Wednesday, January 27, 2010

1. I'm kind of disappointed that I haven't heard a word from the step dad over the last few months. I didn't really blog about it in detail, and I still might, but basically he has had a really hard time dealing with my mom's passing. In a nut shell, he isn't dealing with his grief at all and it turned him into someone I didn't know and I was the unfair target of his anger. It kind of came to a head this summer, well, and I haven't heard from him since August. I thought maybe my birthday he would reach out...nada. Thought maybe Christmas.....nada. Oh well, I just pray that he is getting the help he needs and live my life the best that I can.

Oh and FYI, yes, I've tried over and over since she passed to maintain the relationship only to get burned over and over so after long talks and some insight from my grief counselor it was suggested that for my own progress I needed to step back until he's able to get help or get past his anger.

2. Still waiting on my condo. I knew it was going to be a wait and I'm doing OK with that... but of course I'm getting ants in my pants. Last night I found myself browsing the isles of Big Box Home Improvement Store just to get ideas and see how much some things would cost to upgrade & replace. It was AWESOME! I'm thinking I may have to ditch the whole accounting thing and become a contractor. We shall see how I feel about that when I actually have my own home to maintain.

3. The guy situation. He really seems to be trying to win me back, even from afar. Last week I got a super exciting gift from him. This gift may just involve me spending this coming Saturday at an amazing day spa up the the mountains. This general location also happens to be one of "our" spots.... one of our fist dates, return visits for romantic getaways and hikes in the woods. I am so looking forward to the day of pampering I can hardly stand myself. He sure knows the way to this woman's heart is thru the spa! lol. I'm only 1/2 kidding, I know there is more to this than being wooed by amazing thoughtful gifts from 1/2 around the world.... but I'm sure not going to turn it down.

4. The Mrs just sent out her Valentine Swap partners and I'm really excited. I participated in her Christmas swap and it was a lot of fun. To me, it's so interesting to see what someone you only "know" thru a blog come up.

5. I have some good stuff to look forward to. My most awesome bestest cutest funnies Granny is turning 90 next month! Sheesh that's old! I'll be heading over to the other side of the state to celebrate with her and the rest of the fam. I'm about due for another dose of good family time. You know, those people that totally get my sarcasm (because they are the cause of it!), know my history and where I'm coming from. Dysfunctional as we can be, these people have got my back and I love them.

6. I love Skype.

7. I have written about my fitness goals for awhile. That’s because I had some bumps in the road, lost ½ of my previous progress, two months of maintaining only over the holidays (but good god, with all the cookies I ate it’s a miracle that I managed to offset that with the exercise), but this last week I finally put my heart and soul into it and I made progress!! Lost 2.8lbs but better than that my measurements changed and I’m back to the same lean muscle mass that I was in August and within half a pound of being at that same weight again too. I don’t have a lot to lose, but round about 12 lbs to get to my comfortable weight and a size where I’m fitting into all my clothes again. *whew*

Bring it on 2010. I feel in a generally good mental state to tackle some of the challenges I know I have coming up…. I’m prepared. I will prevail. I will be living the best life that I can.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Is my mind playing a trick on me or am I ready to let go of a past hurt?

The Ex and I have slipped into what feels like our old relationship flow. As much of a flow as there can be with him being deployed, but since the majority of our relationship has been apart this feels pretty normal for us.

I knew we'd be in contact while he was deployed, we did leave it as "friends" after all. This is feeling a lot different than friends. It feels like we're partners again. He's looking after me even from the other side of the globe, we're sharing the sweet nothings and tenderness that certainly isn't something I do with "friends", to the best of his ability he is letting me know if there are going to be communication issues and then checks back in as soon and as often as he can. THIS is the man I loved, not the man that broke my heart. It’s a bit twisted that it is happening now that he is deployed, but I feel like he’s putting in the effort to “prove it” to me…. that is the feeling I had been trying to get all summer/fall.

It's so easy for me to get wrapped up in this and feel like all is OK and back to what it was before our difficulties hit last spring. Is that just a trick my mind is playing or is it OK for me to let go of that hurt from the past and just be OK with this? Am I creating a situation in my head that doesn't really exist because that is less painful than dealing with reality? Or am I at that point that I've worked thru my feelings and can finally let the hurt go and take him back as he's been asking? Is this the bolt of lightning/slap in the face/sign in the clouds that I've been waiting for? Could the sign really be as simple as me feeling content?

You know, right or wrong, good or bad choice, for now I’m OK with not feeling so damn heartbroken and hurt.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Patience is a virtue.... good things come to those who wait...blah blah blah.

Therefore I am short one important virtue.

2010 is starting off as a waiting game for moi.

- Waiting for my first care packages to hit their target (check this one off, mission complete)
- Waiting on answers regarding my condo purchase
- Waiting on police departments and insurance companies so I can put an accident from this summer behind me
- Waiting for me to get off my duff and update my blog layout (how many months ago was October?)
- Waiting for a lighten bolt, slap in the face, name written in the clouds, something to help me make some big decisions already.

OK, so two of the 4 open items are actually waiting for me to take action. Hmmmmm....so not only am I lacking the virtue of patience, I'm also a procrastinator. How the hell do those two wide up in the same personality. Talk about a life long conflict.

"How much human life is lost in waiting?" Ralph Waldo Emerson

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Joseph Campbell

Sunday, January 10, 2010

First and most important the cake arrived in perfect condition on the exact day of his birthday. He didn't get a chance for any pictures be everyone was dying for him to cut into it and he was sharing the birthday sugar high.

OMG where was my cake!?
There was some drama and one upset soldier's "friend"pacing in front of her computer this week. There was some issues with the address (no error of mine or the bakery) and part of the info was missing. I get a call earlier in the week from a very irritated sounding Ex "S... basically the address is FUCKED ....." Non of the packages I had sent had arrived and I just knew the cake wasn't going to make it. Thankfully there was enough information and I got a call last night that all of it arrived at the same time along with the cake ON his birthday.

Look at that, birthday cake and packages all on THE day.

REMINDER TO SELF: On some scale this was a case of "...may not always come when you call, but always on time". I'm always amazed how something that throws me off and isn't what was planned reveals itself later to be exactly what it should have been.

Maybe one of these days I'll remember that up front and not get so worked up about things. But that is super hard for me.

** Update**

The birthday cake is on its way and today and they so kindly send along a photo before they send them along to far away lands.

I have to say, if the product itself is half as wonderful as the communication and customer service I've recevied it will be worth it a million times over. I do believe it was the owner, Debora George, that I spoke to on the phone and sent me the emails.

I figured I'd also share the link to the video that I came across when looking for some place that does this kind of shipping.

The cake itself is in a tin, frosted with butter cream and then wrapped in a sheet of fondant so the frosting won't stick to places it shouldn't. They have lots of decorations to choose from including the service branches OR if you can even supply your own photo.

OK enough already. Will update when we get the word from the other side and in the mean time.

I don't have a lot of readers, so would ask that all of you with bigger readership post about this if you feel inspired to share. I would love for folks to know more about this resource! Oh yeah, they also participate with Soldiers Angels if you wish to sponsor/donate.

This will be interesting. At leat I think so, I'm curious how it will turn out.

I sent a cake to the sand box.

Googled some words, picked a link, saw a video. OK, that will work and off I went.

It's the effort that counts, right? Nothing says "Happy Birthday Soldier" like a tin full of sugar and flour, and hopes hopes hopes that it arrives in one piece.

Wire A Cake - HB Bakery Connectionif anyone is curious. I'll report back with at least a before picture, which the company will send to me before my dear little cake takes flight.

I'm obviously still in relationship limbo land but it feels OK for now. Got a very poor quality call (as in I couldn't hear him but he heard me) on Christmas and a clear as a bell call the other day. It makes me happy to hear his voice and that's what I'm rolling with for the time being.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

I finished up my mortgage application paperwork during a lunch meeting with my lender today. I maybe shouldn't have been so concerned about getting that right combo of grape, chicken, and almond on my fork and paid more attention, but it was pretty straight forward. This kind of stuff and process makes sense to me for the most part. Put anything together in a format that looks even vaguely like a tax form and I get all excited so it was painless.

That is until, "What if I want to pick up and move this summer?" popped into my head.... "What am I going to do being tied down like this, I can't just pack up and go!?!"

This is the biggest commitment of my life. It holds me down to one particular place. Even to have a wedding ring, that doesn't mean I have to stay in this same city and neighborhood for a good bit of time.

"Oh my this could be a real issue" says Me to Me.

BUT ONLY IF I WAS THE TYPE OF PERSON TO MOVE ON A WHIM WHICH I'VE NEVER DONE IN MY LIFE NEVER MOVE OUTISDE THIS STATE AND HAVE RENTED THE SAME APARTMENT FOR THE LAST 5 YEARS!

I find it interesting that my brain is making up such unrealistic fears. Why would that even be a worry? Why would I be concerned about losing a freedom that I never even took advantage of in the first place?