Woman Eats Only Starbucks for 1 Year Is Year’s Dumbest Story

The story of a woman who ate nothing but Starbucks for a year is this year’s (yes, this year: 2014) number one dumbest story being reported in the news. The story about the woman whose “name” is “Beautiful Existence” is so dumb that it’s actually difficult to put into words. Some may ask: “well, if you think the story is dumb, why are you reporting on it?” The answer to that question is because we report the news, and this, somehow, unfortunately, is not only one of the most popular on Google News, but it’s also viral on Facebook.

Existence has offered not only the dumbest story of the year, but also the year’s dumbest quote. When asked why she ate only Starbucks food for one year, she offered this nearly incomprehensible and drastically grammatically incorrect response:

WHY? am I doing this challenge? Or WHY? will I do any challenge in the future? Because I LOVE being human and I LOVE the privilege of being able to ask the question WHY? in the first place!

Let’s examine this rationale, shall we? First, let’s take the reason “I love being human.” If someone loves being human, there are so many other things they could do besides eat Starbucks for one year. They could start a non-profit organization, run a marathon or partake in a project that results a modicum of social value. The second reason: “I love the privilege of being able to ask the question WHY?” is no better, first and foremost because she’s not the one asking the question. This reason is like infinity of mirrors reflecting back nothing but a whole lotta dumb.

The other issue to take into account here is that Starbucks’ food is nearly inedible. Their “egg” sandwiches taste like a dollar store sponge dipped in dishwater, and they don’t even offer ketchup packets to cover up the horrible flavor. What kind of place serves egg sandwiches with no ketchup packets anyway? It’s barbaric!

Existence spent six thousand dollars buying Starbucks’ crappy food for an entire year. That money could have been given to a charity or better yet- a local food bank. That kind of money could have purchased an entire year of lunches for 40 needy people, a week’s worth of groceries for 276 people or a week of care for 4,000 disaster victims. Instead, if fed one person a year of terrible-tasting food so she could receive 15 minutes of fame.

What makes matters even worse is that this woman actually has a PhD in some unspecified field. One might venture to guess the PhD is in psychology and this stunt is actually an experiment to see how dumbed-down our culture has become. If that’s the case, then this story is retracted and Experience should be lauded for her brilliance.

A woman who eats only Starbucks for one year but also has a PhD is a symbol for a new breed of stupid news. Her story is definitely the year’s dumbest story, no matter what else unfolds in 2014.