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Archive for August, 2009

The essentials of self-care ought to not be underestimated. There is present in many cultures, the belief that self-care is somehow selfish while, of course, the antithesis is ironically true. To neglect self is selfish – a neglected self, even if he or she appears to be selflessly serving others, will spread relational toxicity wherever he or she goes.

Here are three essential elements of self-care:

1. Rest. A healthy person will rest before he or she needs to do so. Somewhere in the rhythm of a busy life the healthy person gets the rest and recreation required for restoration.

2. Clarity: A healthy person does all he or she can to minimize mixed messages, unclear expectations, and confused boundaries. Karen Miles, the Australian writer and expert on the impact motherhood has upon women regarding identity and career, talks about “interrogating reality” as a sign of relational health and caring. (www.karenmiles.com.au)

3. Community: A healthy person finds a place in a small community of good friends where he or she can regularly “download”, be energized, contribute to others, and receive from others in a mutual, respectful setting where all the participants are completely equal.

“I have been divorced for several years and really would love to meet someone. I used an Internet dating sites and was being very careful. A guy responded claiming to be honest, decent, not into playing games and God-fearing. So we met. It was so good that by the end of that meeting we were both very comfortable and were going to give a relationship a try. We held hands and kissed and couldn’t wait to see each other again. Then I sensed something was amiss: he didn’t call when he said he would. He also said he would hide his profile but he did not. He did send me a mail saying he wasn’t ready for the complications that having someone in his life would bring. I have been devastated. After holding my hand and kissing me and saying some amazing things that any woman would want to hear, I don’t get it.”

Rod: He is probably married. I have heard SCORES of such stories. Sadly it makes very little difference he is “Christian” or not. I hate to stereotype these matters but many men are in it for the chase but do not want a relationship. Guard your heart by waiting for weeks and months before you even touch each other.

Jean: It is commendable that you were very careful with the Internet dating site and finding a man who said he was honest, decent and God-fearing would have indicated a potential partner for you in your search for someone new. However it would be good to consider that ‘getting to know someone’, becoming friends and discovering what they are like ‘in the real world’ is what sets a foundation for a more lasting relationship.

Gideon: I believe what you went through is considered the norm in internet dating, in the sense that it affords people the opportunity to scope out, check profiles, ask questions via emails, and essentially, minimize the fear of asking people out on dates. In your situation, it’s really no surprise to see one or the other person wanting to back out after the first date. I suggest that you make it a rule of thumb to leave some room for trial and error. After all, isn’t that what dating is about, looking to see if compatibility can exist between two people? Contrary to the Internet’s “instant gratification” method, building relationships always takes more time. Another recommendation might be to hold off on things of an intimate nature during the initial dating phase. Certainly you’ve taken the time to read and examine one’s profile online. So why not take even more time getting to know each other on a one-to-one basis, without having to get too intimate too soon? It would save both parties a lot of pain and heartache if things don’t turn out well. But ultimately don’t lose heart, as there are plenty of fish in the sea to be had… or in this case, the world-wide-web.

Personal Responsibility appears to be sadly lacking from many letters I read. Living the “blame-game” poisons vision (until it is destroyed), leads to thinking like a victim (and then behaving like one). It makes people hypersensitive (picky, irritable, short-tempered) in close relationships. Perhaps saddest of all, avoiding personal responsibility takes the fun out of living. I reverse this toxic condition (when I notice it rearing its ugly head within me) through simple, but not easy, shifts in my attitude:

1. I acknowledge that I am where I am because of my own set of choices, my own deep-seated emotional make-up, and my own complex history, and I take full responsibility for who and what I am.
2. While I cannot be held responsible for the choices others have made and which have influenced the trajectory my life, I am responsible (as an adult) for my reactions and responses to their choices.
3. I shall ask the question “what is my role in this?” when facing situations where I feel trapped by unpleasant realities or circumstances.
4. I shall remove my focus from others and what others may or may not have done, and consider my role, my part in how things develop in my life.

Long before there were computers or the Internet my sister was Facebook. Hardly a birth or birthday on three continents misses Jennifer Arthur’s attention. She remembers wedding anniversaries for at least half of Durban and, now that she is on holiday in Australia, I am sure she gathering friends and addresses and birthdays all over the Central Coast. If you met my sister on a bus between terminals in a busy airport and shared the briefest moment of chitchat you’d be guaranteed a Christmas card from her forever.

She is a living switchboard connecting people whether they like it or not. Family members or old friends, who for whatever reason try to get away, have no hope. She’s onto them – writing, phoning, being so nice they come sprinting back into the fold.

It’s uncanny. She is always “online” and by this I mean “up” and happy. Unlike computers, my sister is never “down.” I have never met a child who didn’t want my sister to be his or her grandmother. She’s “Granny Goose” or just “Goose” all over the place.

Yes. Long before you ever clicked to be someone’s friend on Facebook you were already on my sister’s list. She is just waiting for you to accept her friendship – then she’ll get your snail-mail address and send you a birthday card until you die – after that, and forever, she’ll send “I’m-sorry” cards to all your relatives on the day that was your birthday.

“My fiancée and I are discussing wedding options. It’s my first marriage, and his third. I dreamed of a big traditional wedding but considering it’s his third, I understand he has done a ‘big wedding’ twice so a smaller wedding would be appropriate. He has two daughters and I have a son. We then got to the topic of the honeymoon his daughter (12) is adamant they should come with. I feel I should draw the line. I am already giving up the big traditional wedding and feel that I would rather have a wonderful honeymoon alone with my husband. My fiancée agrees with the children and wants them with us overseas for two weeks on honeymoon. How do I deal with this?”

USA

Welcome to your life after marriage. I can only assume your future husband feels incapable of taking a stand with his children or that he needs the diversion the children will bring. Either way this will be a rub long after the honeymoon is over.

But go ahead. Draw the line. Be aware you will probably not get your way.

More important than planning your honeymoon, I’d suggest you meet with both his ex-wives and gain some insight about how you all plan to co-parent the children.

ACT, Australia

Your fiance’s children have been through two marriages and are approaching a third. It sounds like there could be anger and insecurity within one of the daughters and perhaps the other too. You are entering a relationship where your wishes and values aren’t considered as important as future wife and potential friend of the girls. I am wondering whether seeking professional help for you both might be an option before decisions are put into place.

Midwest, USA

How wedding and honeymoon decisions are made will set the tone for how the two of you will do marriage. Identify your needs and expectations before the wedding. If you allow his 12 year old daughter to dictate who goes on YOUR honeymoon, she will continue to dictate your marital relationship. Being Flexible and negotiating well are essential components in healthy families, especially when two families join. Giving up what you need or desire most of the time, however, is not.

“My husband is nagging me about my two to three beers every night and a few cigarettes before dinner. He is telling me that I am an alcoholic and out of control. He has convinced my children (22 and 19) that I have a ‘big problem.’ He can have his gin tonic and cigars and my kids say nothing. When I open a beer I get the dirtiest look. They are giving me a complex and my husband is using it as a power tool. I am thinking of leaving for a while as it is blown out of proportion. How do I stop this madness?”

USA

Leaving your family in order to drink a few beers every night may indicate alcoholism as your issue. But you are correct, two or three beers a day is no proof that you are an alcoholic. Yet, as a result of drinking your relationships are more stressed and your drinking is doing little to improve the atmosphere in your home.

If “two or three beers every night” is really not an issue then I’d suggest you stop for six months to demonstrate the powerlessness of alcohol over you. This done, your family will agree that drinking is a choice over which you have total control.

ACT, Australia

“Stop the madness”…what a profound statement you have made! After reading your email, I thought it was a great way to summarize the relational dynamics in your household. But not only in your household but everywhere, where power and control rule how we relate to one another. How we want to change another’s behavior because we are uncomfortable with our own. And how we hurt each other in the process. Your perspective is accurate – and changing the madness takes passion and courage and commitment because there is a way through.

Midwest, USA

Is it madness? Sometimes, although it may be hard to hear, our family, because they know us so well, are able to point out patterns of behavior that are destructive. If this is not the case, then stop drinking two to three beers nightly. You could stop altogether for a few weeks or you could limit your intake to one a night, five days a week. This should discourage the dirty looks and help you from developing a “complex” about it. If this is difficult for you to do then perhaps there is TRUTH to what they are saying. If they love you, listen to them.

1. Do the unexpected – the emotional and relational equivalent of parking in a different spot, using a different stairwell, climbing the stairs rather than using the elevator, or sitting at a different table. This is not to be difficult or to seek attention, but to challenge the well-worn paths that have become too comfortable and predictable for you. Shifting how you relate will be like opening the windows and letting in fresh air.

2. Re-adjust your internal GPS – you make the decisions about how you behave, what you like and dislike, what you do with your leisure opportunities, and the direction you are taking with the years ahead of you. Placing your direction, your likes and dislikes, the use of your time and resources in the hands of others is not an indication of love or friendship. It’s an abdication of personal responsibility.

3. Do what you really love to do. Become an expert in what you love. If you don’t know what you love and are good at, you will assume tasks and responsibilities outside of your set of innate skills. Repeatedly landing tasks you don’t want will bring you no joy. Knowing and doing what you love will make you an asset wherever you are, and, as an added bonus, you will be fun to be around.

“I have tried for months to draw my wife’s attention to her weight. She is overweight by several kilos and doesn’t seem to care. This is very important to me. It is not about sex. I just feel embarrassed to be with a woman who doesn’t seem to care what she looks like. Help.”

USA

Please send me a detailed account of exactly the manner in which you have tried to draw your wife’s attention to her weight. Such an account would offer me volumes of material about regarding how you relate, communicate, handle and resolve conflict with each other. It also might become a guide of what NOT to do or say.

The lower your emotional health (the less healthy you are) the greater will be your fixation with her weight – you will believe that her weight somehow reflects on you, reveals something about you, or is somehow your business. If allowed, you will become obsessed with her weight, eating, and exercise routine to the point that it will damage more than your sex life.

The higher your functioning (the healthier you are), the less you will notice her weight and you will certainly not feel responsible for her weight or embarrassed by it.

Focus on YOUR emotional health and not on her weight. If you push her, remember that even in the emotional realm, every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

“My son (13) will not visit his dad as he has done for 5 years since our divorce. He won’t give reasons. I think the visits are an inconvenience and he prefers to stay where his friends are. What should I do?”

USA

Rod: Your letter contains no hint of inappropriate behavior occurring at his father’s home. Therefore, I’d suggest you leave the matter of his visitations squarely in the hands of father and son. When either tries to recruit your support I’d suggest you say things like, “This is a matter for you to sort out with you son/dad and it is best that I leave it up to the two of you.”

My rationale is neither uncaring nor unreasonable and my suggestion is not focused on the immediate. Leaving children to face their own dilemmas, to talk face-to-face with the key players in any conflicted scenario (with teachers, parents, step-parents, neighbors) steels children for future success.

A child who can address, or learns to address, his or her father about such matters will develop life-long helpful skills that will equip him or her to address any matter with anybody.

This is his issue. Unless you want to spend a lifetime saving and delivering the boy from everything tough and uncomfortable, avoid it now.

{I invited, James 15, to share his views…. see below…..}

South Africa

James: It is during the divorce the father may have caused you, his mother, considerable pain. Boys are often very protective over their mothers and care for them deeply. Your son may be trying to be spiteful towards his father for causing you to suffer. This could be a reason for your son not wanting to see his father.

As for what to do now, have you talked to the father about his relationship with his son? The father should extend his hand to his son. If he is maybe lonely at his father’s house, why not let him take a friend along when he visits?

ACT, Australia

As you must have valued your son’s visits to his father, because of the dynamic of shared parenting responsibilities, is it possible to talk to your former partner about this situation? I agree so strongly on the value of friends at this age, and the fact that he has some good friendships can help so much as he grows through the adolescent years. For your son to recognize that both his mom and dad want the best for him would communicate that you value his needs as he sees you putting into place an arrangement that would release him to spending more time with his friends. However, visits with his dad that are fewer and further between, might also be included in the new plan.

Scotland

Joe: I cannot help wondering why a young man of 13 wants to stop visiting his father. Is it really just the “inconvenience”? Have you tried really listening to your son? Have you asked him how things are between him and his dad? If he has been visiting happily for 5 years, what has changed? Is there a new partner, or are there new step/half siblings? And how is your relationship with his father?

Being a teenager is all about having friends, and the beginnings of gradually moving away from family, but not to the exclusion of family. One of the examples your son has had of what happens when relationships get tough, is that you separate and give up. Are there other people that he trusts who can show him an alternative to this? How he can have a more grown up relationship with his dad? He needs this example too!

India

Gideon: Without knowing all the details, if your son is like most 13 year olds, he is probably finding more social interaction and stimulation among his peers. Peer influence is strong at this stage in a young boy’s life. They’re eager to play, hang out with friends at the mall, go to movies, playing sports, and talk to girls. He is a young boy trying to enjoy life and the impact of your divorce may or may not be revealed until later. He is in a period of tremendous growth and change and allowing him the “room” and time to be with friends, or to interact with others apart from his parents, is not entirely a bad thing. If you have had a steady and open relationship with him in the past, trust that a time will come when he’ll be ready to communicate more openly.