Britain's Got Talent RECAP

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Britain’s Got Talent – Recap Week 4 Auditions

It’s been an exciting week in the UK – The general public buzzed off three blokes called Ed, Nick and Nige and gave their Golden Buzzer to a previous winner, Dave. There wasn’t the merest whiff of entertainment during this election malarkey though, so let’s back away from “Juggling Expenses” and back to Juggling Dogs – hooray!

AARON CARTY is a beefy 29 year old ex-policeman from London. Aaron is tanned a shade somewhere between a sun ripened tangerine and an Easy Jet plane. And this is before he dons his “stage persona” of Beyonce!

He performs an utterly majestic dance act in drag to a thigh kicking Beyoncé medley. This could be one of the best - slash - worst things to grace Saturday night telly screens since Noel Edmunds’ and his Crinkly Bottom. Its 3 yeses with David morphing into sinister sex predator mode, telling Aaron; “Feel free to arrest me anytime”. There is a niche channel 5 sitcom in there somewhere.

DANIEL CRUTE aka LEOPOLD ALEKSANDER a 40 year old builder and labourer from London. Daniel performs a ‘Strongman’ act using a frying pan and Amanda to demonstrate his strength. Amanda must be eternally grateful she was clad in leggings and not wearing her bra free nipple clinger dress tonight. Else Mr Strongman may have had an eyeful of Mandy’s boobage tangled in his impressive moustache to contend with.

Four Big Strong Yeses send Daniel into the next round where we hope he will balance Ant and Dec on each elbow.

VLADIMIR GEORGIEVSKY is 45 years old, originally from Russia and now lives in Swansea. Vladimir resembles a mad scientist from a bad Sci Fi movie crossed with a Geography teacher. The deceptively agile ex Russian performs a comedy trampoline routine for the judges. It is actually a bounce-tastic GENIUS act and could only have been more entertaining if he had Amanda join in with her braless frock.

ITV helpfully put a “Do not try this at home” disclaimer across the screen just in case any daredevil kids try bounce from their bunk bed onto next door’s gazebo. David hails Vladimir as his “favourite act today” and it’s a very easy comedy bounce with a genital crush manoeuvre into the next round. Way to go Vlad!

DYLAN BYRD a 16 year old student and dancer from County Cavan in Ireland has travelled on a plane for the first time, to try and impress judges with his dance routine. Simon can’t quite believe young Dylan has never left his native Ireland before and frowns, obviously trying furiously to imagine a world without private jets and bulging bank balances.

Dylan’s unique Freestyle dancing to Bang Bang seems to be wowing the panel – until Alesha buzzes that is. Alesha OBVIOUSLY doesn’t know how the show works and mutters about the dance not being up to “show standards”. Oh Leesha dear, this show is the flag carrier for the insane, if you want serious DANCING sod off back to Strictly love!

Simon saves the day and tells young Dylan “I find most dance acts boring but you were brilliant” Dylan makes the next round with three yeses – and throws a verbal nuclear warhead to Alesha by saying she was his inspiration. Oh Alesha you mean hearted wench you!

Never a show to miss a chance to whip up a montage, we now have a Medley of Mean Alesha...

ARUN SHENDURNIKAR – 76 year old train driver from London does a musical performance on the bongo drums to Abba – ‘Lay Your All Love On Me’. Alesha hates it. Inexplicably, 3 yeses from the rest of the panel though.

JOANNA CAMERON – 63 year old comedy stage hypnotist from Virginia, USA. She performs a hypnosis act using audience members and various props. Basically, she sends people to sleep by boring them into a coma. Could she be related to that Mr Cameron who won the other big talent contest of the week? Alesha hates her too. But to be fair, so does everybody else.

ENTITY ALLSTARS are a 20 piece dance troupe from Essex aged between 10-16. Simon is reminded by a note hastily shoved at him by a producer that this group includes Lewis Platt, brother to X Factor finalist Lauren Platt. Entity perform a hip hop routine for the judges who love the talented moves from the young dancers.

It’s time for Alesha to end her Mean Streak as she dives like a particularly enthusiastic Tom Daley at THE GOLDEN BUZZER!

The stage resembles the time the punch at the school disco was spiked with absinthe as the 20 members of Entity leap and fall around in a whirlwind of joy and tangle of limbs. Well done guys – straight through to the live shows!

Next up MITCH AND CALLY THE WONDERDOG are stage-bound to impress the judges. Mitch and his long haired Jack-Russell, Cally are attempting to break a world record for ‘most balloons popped in one minute’. Simon seems keen and proudly announces: “This is really for Great Britain isn’t it?

We may not rule the waves any more, but fear not world, Britannia just KILLS at dogs popping balloons.

Except no, we don’t. Cally, the not-so-wonderdog fails after being distracted and falling over on the slippery remains of a popped balloon carcass. A noticeably disappointed Simon promises Cally can come back for another go if she wags her tail at him. Cally knows which side her bone is buttered and dutifully wags her way to the next round.

DJ JOHN- 45 year old DJ from Newcastle-upon-Tyne is performing a dance routine to a medley of mixed dance tracks. John is obsessed with all things Newcastle and wants to be a star like Ant n Dec or Cheryl Fernandez Cole Tweedy L’Oreal Versini.

Dark Lord of the Home Counties, Mr Cowell cannot understand a single word uttered in John’s Geordie dialect so Dec is drafted in from the wings to translate. No doubt Ant & Dec will bag some award for “Best subtitles” at the NTA next year now.

John cannily isn’t relying on his “talent” to win over the judges and brings a T shirt as a gift for Simon. After surreptitiously checking the label for “Armani” and finding “Primark” Simon throws the garment at a nearby minion for immediate disposal.

Leaping wildly with odd hand gestures, John’s act is basically “Ed Milliband set to music”. He gets through with more yeses than he should from a panel of allegedly sober judges.

Step up most bizarre act of the night. POLLY ROWLEY-SAMS is 30 years old from Newcastle and Polly performs an original song she has written about one a subject the all time greats were too afraid to tackle - dust mites. The Beatles missed a trick not tapping into that vein of song inspiration – “A Hard Day’s Hoovering” would have been a smash. Even though it’s a refreshing change from Ed Sheeran banging on about that stupid love stuff, the judges sweep Polly back to obscurity. Boo.

ELLA SHAW is an 18 year old singer from Blackburn. Ella is performing her original song ‘Summertime’ and plays piano for the judges. The song contains not one single reference to dust mites. This is kind of a shame - but its 4 yeses as Simon calls Ella “ Mega Mega talented”. Well done Ella!

CHLOE CRAWFORD- 26 year old from Portsmouth and currently working as a magician’s assistant in Vegas. Bonus points to Chloe as she rocks up with a giant crate with a “To Simon” gift tag. If it’s rammed full of replacement Zayn Maliks, she will be onto a winner.

Chloe leaves the judges speechless with her illusionist trick with a motorcycle. She would have done slightly better if she had worked dust mites into her act but never the less she is through!

“You bought Vegas back to London” beamed Simon, gratuitously ignoring the fact there wasn’t a bank of neon signage or an Elvis impersonator in sight.

OK WORLDWIDE are Tom from Essex and Stefan, Lorand and Bogdan from Romania who perform a dance, acrobatics and free running routine. Their lively routine is a winner with the judgery. “I like to see something on this show I’ve never seen before” enthuses Simon. He probably means Amanda in a bra.

U.D.I are a 9 piece dance group from Siberia performing a dance routine and light performance for the judges. It’s mildly reminiscent of “Attraction” the shadow dancers who won the 2013 series. This time the group use light to tell a story instead of shadows. The words “magical” “emotional” and “amazing” are bandied about a fair bit betwixt the judges, so it’s no surprise UDI get four of those huge, porky, elephantine sized YESES.

Last of the night is ALISON JIEAR a 49 year old back singing from London. There is the distinct whiff of “Sob Story” hovering around Alison as we are told of her formative years as a *shock horror* BACKING SINGER. It’s not exactly “riddled with a hideous disease and with 27 dead relatives” is it Alison my old china?

Anyhoo, Alison performs a powerful rendition of ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ for the judges who are all impressed with her turn as a leading songstress. No more horrific “backing singer” exile for her as Simon says: “One of the best vocals we've had on the show.” instantly forgetting the genius of Polly and her dust mites. Cruel world this showbiz lark.

“A star being born” adds David meaning Alison is shooting into the next round.

Next week – Will David press his Golden Buzzer? Probably only if a Simon Cowell lookalike performs “Hot Stuff” in Speedos. To be fair, we might press gold for that too.

See you next week!

MARK PONTING – 26 year old supermarket assistant from Bristol. Performs an original 80s inspired song accompanied by the keytar. Even though Simon keeps a permanent memento of the 80s in the form of Sinitta, chained to him like Princess Leia, he is not a fan of this slice of 80s nostalgia. It’s back to applying neon eyeliner and jiving to Kajagoogoo for Mark. 4 No’s.

OLIVER REYNOLDS – 29 years old from Milton Keynes performs a balloon “trick” to music. There is more entertainment on the Asda reduced to clear shelf. The sheer delight of finding an almost out of date scotch egg amongst the dubious mystery packages of “lunch meat” would definitely be superior to this balloonery. Next!