Whitechapel - OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)2015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/
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OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=353944#Comment_3539442013-06-17T15:28:45-05:002013-06-18T09:34:10-05:00oldhathttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75
Well now.
Our Extreme Overlord Si is finding himself incredibly damn busy, what with acquiring more Urethral Attack Maggots, directing an ape who can shoot and other things he can't talk about ...
Our Extreme Overlord Si is finding himself incredibly damn busy, what with acquiring more Urethral Attack Maggots, directing an ape who can shoot and other things he can't talk about (Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies) and it seems that I have been given permission to open up a few threads, the Open Mic being one of them.

The THREE ACT SPEAKEASY is here for you to vent, to express, and to learn. This is your chance to perform -- but you're also in the audience, guv, and are expected to behave as such. So your skits at the steely Whitechapel microphone will ALL and ALWAYS be divided into three sections:

2: The Huzzah. Wherein you tell us something which goes just a teensy way to mitigating the effects of the psychic turd you just laid on our heads. Perhaps it's a tiny hint of hope in an otherwise bleak situation. Perhaps it's an unrelated Thing Which Happened which made you smile rather than frown. Shit, maybe it's just a silly joke. Show us you can cope as well as carp.

3: The Applause. You will choose one of your fellow whitechapellers, from this same thread. Doesn't have to be the person who posted before you - just someone whose story touched you. And you will offer them a word of advice, or comfort, or support, to help them with their own SECTION 1 Whinge. Doesn't have to be much. A sentence, a word, a bloody emoticon - whatever. Just a paltry donation to the art of Thinking Of Others. And try to avoid schmaltz, please, or the Urethral Maggots will feast anew. Circle of life, kids.

ALSO, because we haven't done it in a while and because we are all old and forgetful, show me a picture of yourself if you want. I'd like to put a face to the words. And no cross-posting from the SPIT thread, either. I'll know.

Naturally, the first person to respond here is excused from Stage 3.

Begin.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=353955#Comment_3539552013-06-17T18:03:20-05:002013-06-17T18:07:14-05:00hankhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=79
The shit:
Well, work continues on at a weird pace with lack of prioritization. I'm wrapping a project, so not forced to wade in and hammer priorities down.
I am spending a insane amount on ...
Well, work continues on at a weird pace with lack of prioritization. I'm wrapping a project, so not forced to wade in and hammer priorities down. I am spending a insane amount on doctors after the Colorado Debacle* which is annoying but needs to be done.

The good:Drawing a bit more.Got a meaty raise.Have a wonderful girlfriend who is amazing.I get to keep my job and move to another state.

The middling:Moving to Michigan to be where my kid can reach me. This is good for the kid and seeing him, but Michigan is incredibly safety net void.

Applause:

Yay @oldhat! Use your arse eels for good.

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OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=353965#Comment_3539652013-06-17T19:19:15-05:002013-06-17T19:24:29-05:00Rachæl Tyrellhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=552
Bad:
Medical stuff.
I'd planned on exercising a lot while on prednisone, but ended up ill and felt awful for nearly a month while the prednisone was making me feel limber, so I've lost a lot ...
Medical stuff.

I'd planned on exercising a lot while on prednisone, but ended up ill and felt awful for nearly a month while the prednisone was making me feel limber, so I've lost a lot of ground I'd covered when I'd been exercising regularly. My vision seems to be getting progressively worse, as does the pain and weakness. But then, maybe it's just the approaching summer. Summer always makes things worse. Also, the Prednisone withdrawal is making me a crazy emotional person and everything fucking hurts.

Last week there was some crazy sudden storming going on, and the air pressure shift was so sudden that my head felt as throbby painful awful as it did when I had the Lyme Disease brain swelling. Instead of laying down I kept trying to function through it, and by the time my fellow came over, I was not making sense, slurring my speech, and stumbling around like I was drunk. I had to lay on my back for 45 minutes to become normal again. It's frustrating and scary, and I worry how much slow brain damage I'm suffering while I wait for answers to come though.

Today I saw the new pain medicine doctor, and she gave me some crap pills to take at night before i sleep. WORTHLESS.

And money. No credit card. Nothing left in the bank account. Just some spare change and maybe a food stamp card with some money left on it. I'm tired of having hair conditioner be something I have to consider if I can afford. I've got a pile of things I've been meaning to mail people for MONTHS, and it's just sitting here because I can't afford all the postage and packaging. ARGH! I'm really really hoping that these money possibilities work out. Being poor is something I can weather, but being THIS poor for most of the past 10 years is fucking exhausting and demoralizing and I can feel it changing me.

Also, someone I used to be very close to is doing very very very poorly when it comes to drug related things, and I'm really quite concerned that it isn't going to end well. It's frustrating to see someone refuse to look for help (but at least is turning to me as the one person to be honest about things with). I am constantly on edge that at any moment I'm gonna get that phone call.

Help me out here, Flecky. What do I do with an ex-junkie who is a junkie again, but is determined to quit without help? The only way they quit before was due to incarceration, so I can't see how "on my own" is the way to go. All I do is keep explaining what a worthy human they are and how much they need to treat themselves better instead of punishing themself so much.

Good:

This week I was asked to take part in an invite-only erotic art show, asked to possibly do a photo gig in Toronto in the near future, asked to accompany a performance artist to the Seattle Erotic Art Festival, and asked to be a guest on a WFMU radio show again! The fellow got us guest passes to see Chelsea Wolf and SWANS play last week, and also just got us tickets to see NIN in the fall! And our trip to LA and San Francisco in August is ever closer!

The prednisone withdrawal might FEEL awful, but it LOOKS GREAT! I've lost a great deal of weight from the weaning off, and my summer clothes all fit now!

I met the downstairs white people, and I helped them clean up the back yard! I'm so excited! I will BREAK MY BODY FOR A WEEK with yard work if that means I can have a place to sit quietly outside under a tree.

The past two years I've been crawling out of my isolation shell-shock and learning again how to interact with humans. It's taken a really long time to shake off the awkward when trying to be social, and not feel like i'm wide eyed and clumsy, bleating loudly at random intervals. But i'm getting there!

Applause:

Hooray for moving to be closer to the kid! It's awesome to see someone actually altering their life for the good of their offspring. It doesn't happen enough.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=353972#Comment_3539722013-06-17T22:00:00-05:002013-06-17T22:11:15-05:00chris ghttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1829
Boo: Oh boy, still no new job. I did get a phone call the other week from the temp agency asking if I was available (I was) but the job they had for me was from 2:30-11:30PM and I wasn't feeling it, ...
Huzzah [disguised as more boo]: I heard my former boss is getting restless and would like to start his business all over again. This gives me hope that I will have a steady-ish job again soon, but it is also stupid of me to be waiting/relying on that for my meal ticket.

Glukakke, Rachel, Vornaskotti - Thanks for the advice a few weeks back, Glu. I did not want to but I did end up unfollowing dumb innernet crush from all social media things. A few days later she noticed and unfollowed me back, lol, so I figured "that's it, then." We could've been friends but it's too late now. Pretty sure I did her a favor because this kind of thing doesn't even make a dent/difference to girls like her. Now I have that damn habit of checking on her to see if she's posting hot pics. I guess I am the pathetic one for still checking her out. I'm also not sure that lifting your shirt up in order to get validation via internet is as attractive as I thought ( It is hot though). I hate how that makes me sound fucking conservative because I'm all for doing whatever the fuck you want but I guess am still processing this silly, confusing experience of the last few months. Clearly, I don't understand women as much as I thought. Anyway I have been through this kind of of amateur Chasing Amy-esque shit before and have gotten over it every time. But now that I'm 28 I'm really getting too old for this shit. Obviously I still have a lot to fucking learn.

Also; I have finally started going out to this huge park at night and running a few miles a week. Barely done it twice but I am enjoying the hell out of it already and want to do it all the time if I can. The first time crippled me, but by the second week my legs recuperated and I was able to endure more. It feels fucking great.Also; Some passes for SDCC are going on sale tomorrow morning and I don't have much cash but I really fucking want to get at least a 1-day pass. I seriously fucking love the 2-hour trek on the road, and then hanging out all day with friends and taking in the insane atmosphere, followed by another 2-hour drive back home at night. It's a good time that I hope I don't miss out on this year because I NEED to escape and be around my people so bad. It will be good for me.

Also as of a couple weks ago I have allowed myself to fuckin live a little and walked into a bar and had a pint of guinness. It was badly poured and not worth $5.45, but I was able to enjoy Star Trek while a lil tipsy. I had a couple more beers over this past weekend so I guess you could say I'm trying to loosen the fuck up again. Maybe even get in touch with my old, evil bastard self. I miss that guy. I need the old Blade Runner. I need your magic.

Applause: Robin: Aha, glad you have taken your rightful place at the WC throne, Robin! It was inevitable, really. I have the utmost confidence in you!Rachel: Hope you get through this shit and hang in there. I know you have done it before! I too, know that goddamn feeling when you can't afford something essential. I ran out of my brand of hairspray and I am budgeting around in my head for the day I can go buy it. The shallow, vacuous tart in me feels like I can't live my life if my hair isn't right. But as Emma Frost once said "We must be nothing less than fabulous!"]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=353973#Comment_3539732013-06-17T22:00:46-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Dextrahttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=279
Bullshit: I'm suffering from art block like it's nobody's business. I haven't had the motivation to draw in weeks. My anxiety issues have had me on a rollercoaster for a while now. Some days I'm ...
Yay, shit!: Eh, nothing really spectacular going on. I sold a few shirts today, that was nice. Thankfully, the couple of wildfires near Colorado Springs are contained, so we don't have a repeat of last year's bullshit. I do have a wonderful boyfriend who makes me very happy. And even though he makes weird faces at the interwubs (see above).

That's good shit, man!: @Rachael - I saw your pictures, and you do look great! I feel your pain on the money front, though. I've been there many times. And improvising hair conditioner isn't as fun as people seem to think it is. "Just use an avocado!" No, dammit, that's my lunch!

@hank - You asterisked the Colorado Debacle but didn't explain. Not that I blame you for not wanting to explain, but I'm just saying. I am glad you survived, though. I'd have hated to clean that up. ;)

Oh, and me. All amazed by sunlight and such:

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OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=353986#Comment_3539862013-06-18T08:38:33-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Alan Tysonhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1299
I'm gonna make a full post later on today, but for now I just want to say, where everyone can hear it:
Long Live the Goddamn Bartender.
Long Live the Goddamn Bartender.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354000#Comment_3540002013-06-18T11:21:00-05:002013-06-18T11:22:04-05:00fleckyhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8949
@Rachael: For some reason, since I got clean I've been a bit "shy" about dumping my history on here, but it never used to stop me in the past :) Anyway, you know my story: I had to reach a ...
I couldn't have done it by myself, which can be the hardest thing to admit. So I just got honest with the drug agencies. Maybe your mate could do with some substitute prescribing, do a detox in the community? I had to go into a gritty detox place and then go to rehab, because I just couldn't hack-it in my old environment. Before I got clean I started doing N.A., prob' because I was pretty desperate at that point.

Anyway, it's true: getting clean is the easy bit, it's staying clean which is the hardest. And as much as I fucking hate people at times, I can not do this shit alone.

Anyway, tell your pal that if I can do it, then anyone can.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354001#Comment_3540012013-06-18T11:31:33-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Rachæl Tyrellhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=552
Ha ha ha.
"Just use an avocado!" No, dammit, that's my lunch!
Yup, @Dextra, that's totally where I'm at right now!

"Just use an avocado!" No, dammit, that's my lunch!

Yup, @Dextra, that's totally where I'm at right now!]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354005#Comment_3540052013-06-18T12:17:50-05:002013-06-18T12:20:17-05:00texturehttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1472
The Huzzah: Loving the life of an itinerant arts journalist - this week I'm covering the Edinburgh Film Festival and putting together quotes for a piece on the future of cinema (which, if you're a ...
The Huzzah: Loving the life of an itinerant arts journalist - this week I'm covering the Edinburgh Film Festival and putting together quotes for a piece on the future of cinema (which, if you're a film maker, you can contribute to here). This opportunity - a 12 month placement on a free paper as a paid Staff Writer - has been incredibly challenging, and the level/pace of work has had its drawbacks, but it's also been an absolute revelation to be working at something I enjoy doing, for the first time in my life, for a pay cheque (no matter how small).

I've been podcasting, writing features and reviews, doing news pieces and developing new content streams for the paper, and I really feel like it's improved my game as a writer. I'm also getting the re-writes on my novel done, and feedback thus far's been great. I'd rather it hadn't taken 6 months to finish off, but all things considered, slow progress is better than no progress. It's a transitional phase, for sure - I've had to scale back involvement in other projects, and some (like Weaponizer Magazine) are on indefinite hold. But in general, it feels like things are moving forwards.

I am making music again, and am approaching readiness on EPs for three new projects (a solo single, a new rap duo, and an industrial duo). It's probably the work I'm most proud of, musically, since 2007. When it will see the light of day is another matter, but that's how it goes. I feel incredibly blessed to be working in the creative industries, to live in a city with a vibrant cultural life, and to share that existence with a wonderful girlfriend who is incredibly loyal and supportive.

The Boo: Still struggling to pay the rent, and the existential terror induced by the lack of decent money, the extra hassle of trying to balance a freelance portfolio with money commitments, and just keeping all the balls in the air on my various projects is fairly heavy. Plus there's the feeling of slippage from my friends and family, and from communities (like this one) which I value - so much of my current creative work is still 'under wraps' that it feels strange, like I've been in hiding for two years. Hopefully that will all change as the various bits and pieces see the light of day. I've struggled with depression and anxiety for the past six months, but feel like I am, in some way, starting to overcome my self doubt again. I can never rely on that feeling sticking around, but while it's there, I'll use it, goddamn it.

The Applause: Flecky, I just want to say that your courage and honesty are so inspiring. I'd also like to use this space to thank everyone who chimed in on the whole 'what next for Weaponizer' debate - the future of the project is still in abeyance, thanks to your enthusiasm. I'm working on solutions. But it's no small thing to say that the efforts and support of Chappellers like Fauxhammer, musehick and others are what has kept me going, and made me determined to find a way to make it work. You guys are awesome, and I will always have so much love for every member of this community. Also, oldhat - it's fucking cool that you're now Our Glorious Leader. Three cheers!

You guys have always been massive supporters of my music too, for which I'm hugely grateful. If anyone fancies a wee sneak preview of one of my new solo tracks, go here. It's the first time I've sung on a track in ages, and it's a Thom Yorke cover, so it makes me somewhat nervous. About 100 free downloads there so feel free to grab a copy if you dig it, but please don't share publicly, as the EP isn't out for a couple of months.

If anyone wants a look at what the label's been up to of late, we just released the new Mild Maynyrd album (by Dan Black, another Chappeller). All proceeds to charity. I'd be hugely grateful if you'd listen and share, as we're trying to raise money for Myeloma UK and some US charities... and it's beautiful.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AT ALL TIMES, WHITECHAPEL

edit: here's me reading poetry with the crazy eyes

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OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354006#Comment_3540062013-06-18T12:21:50-05:002013-06-18T12:24:49-05:00Littlepurplegothhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=10699
BoO% : coming back down to earth from something. Final nail in the barrel. Last piece falling into place. Realising that the respite of DP doing a freelance bit cash wise, doesn't actually help me ...
Yay? 1: The evening that threw it all into relief. Not having to watch my language and being able to just be me... getting to flirt back with someone pretty without having to worry about social approbrium. Being the person I am and not having to watch my instincts, my 'lovieness', my tactile nature all the time. Meeting new people,getting to meet people you've talked with online but never 'met'...

Yay? 2: knowing that I won't be putting myself through applying for anything that is 'ordinary'. Not shop work, not bar work, nothing that anyone can turn around and tell me I'm over qualified for it. I'm going to get knocked back pretty much 100% so fuck it I'll get knocked back from interesting things that would challenge me, appreciate my brain, possibly appreciate my body, and at least pay properly on the slight chance that they bother to call me to interview or whatever and decide I'll fit.

Yay? 3:Knowing what the next art thing will be. Getting a clear head on what I'm going to prep as a 20' for next summer (realising that if I can find the money it doesn't matter a jot that I'm not flogging my way on the circuit for nothing where I don't fit...) In spite of abject misery its all confined to home-related stuff and I'm actually rather cheerful and focussed and... whether its hysteria or happiness I have yet to decide.

WHoOp! :Rachael...Tree to sit under. all the rest. Dex. looking so yummy in pictures! I won't stalk, promise.... but I want your hair colour (if I ever tried that it would just be... well, very short!) Tex. wow...

I don't think I've got any sort of picture I can add... not clipping as I'm in broken glasses today (because part of the good evening was not getting, um, home again until the next afternoon and having to sleep in my lenses cause I hadn't planned to be out!) I'll have a dig and see if there is anything I can add to flikr for here that is acceptable.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354018#Comment_3540182013-06-18T14:22:14-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00texturehttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1472
@Littlepurplegoth I will happily write you a reference, if that would help. Your advice and support via Twitter's been awesome and I'm happy to talk that up as freelance editing / consultancy. No ...
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354030#Comment_3540302013-06-18T16:46:26-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Fauxhammerhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=27
+: Weight down, words typed up, getting caught up on some brilliant TV (Justified, Hannibal, Arrested Development).
-: On Chantix again to kick the butts. The nausea in the mornings is brutal, ...
-: On Chantix again to kick the butts. The nausea in the mornings is brutal, there's a rotating cavalcade of sleep disorders, and my mood, while not set between "Self-Annihilation" and "Warp-Spasm," is all over the place. And I like smoking. No--I love smoking. I've no direct motivation to quit, so even with the drug killing the effects of the nicotine, the habit still drives me to bum one at work. We'll see.

x: @Rachael--Prednizone gave me the skin of an angel. I looked like Clay Aiken. @Dextra--Blocks are douchebags. @tex--I said it before and I'll say it again, Weaponizer was a big aid in getting me disciplined, and any way I can return that is no problem. @LPG: Good luck on the hunt--don't settle if you can't help it!]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354038#Comment_3540382013-06-18T19:13:53-05:002013-06-18T19:38:01-05:00razrangelhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2075
Sometimes the up and down division just makes this exercise so so so much harder. I have so much blargle in me that I need to spew that I want to share that... ugh stopping to call it good or bad ...
POS: All of my needs are met. I am highly unlikely to not have a roof over my head, running water, ample food... if I need to see a doctor it'll be taken care of, if my truck has issues, same thing. Something way untoward could break this, that's always the threat of life, a disaster, a disease, a tragedy. Yeah, there is only so much room for error. But compared to a lot of people, I've got a LOT of room for play. My dad has good days and bad days and we just have to see to the day to know which it is. My mom just finished the school year so she's home for the summer. OB is home but out of the home most days during the day. Sis is keeping it together somehow. God knows how but at least her hubs is getting back to work. Niece is on summer break.

I just... I just...

NEG: I just hate it here. Or I don't hate it, it's just too comfortable that I get a heatedscreamingfury when little things get on my nerves. OB is his regular crazy schizo self, but the bigger deal to me is that it completely disengages his ability to empathize and know when something he's doing or saying is aggravating someone else. Or when he's asking too much of another person; or to realize that he would be better off and so would everyone else be if he could just figure out how to solve whatever obstacle is in front of him at the moment. He's so fucking helpless it drives me nuts because he turns around maintains his right-ness about absolutely everything, never apologizes, never admits that something might be beyond him. And the only thing is that he's sick so I have to let it go, let it be - I am the asshole for holding him to a certain paradigm of behavior that is impossible for him. But my patience is so fucking shot with him. I fucking hate listening to him getting my mom to drive him everywhere, pay for everything and then get mad at her when she refuses to lend him money to buy a love spell from a psychic or some new shit....

I have no room to talk. I need my mom for everything. I walked away from providing for myself, from solving my own crap. At first it was a respite from the self hate and just my fall back position to pull myself together. But now it feels like I'm tangled up in my safety net and I have no idea how to get on my own two feet again. What is it like to work a full day? What is it like sleep a full eight hours during the night? What is it to eat reasonably, work with people, see a doctor regularly, meet new people and maybe date them? I've been floating for so long I drifted away from all of my known markers.

The wheel keeps turning and I'm too dizzy to tell what it means that my schedule will become completely centered around my mom next week. She'll have surgery on Monday and from then on be unable to take showers alone, required to keep the wraps dry, prohibited from moving her left arm and likely in a lot of pain. So I must step up and do her work. Cleaning, shopping, cooking... She's long worked herself to distraction on a zillion projects. I can't even keep focus for one. But I have to pick up the slack. I don't know about doing that and getting everything else rolling - career, fitness, health.

If this were a theatre project I could make it work like a motherfucker. But it's not. It's just me. And I don't know how to make me work. And there's only a little incentive to get to work. (And the risk of incurring more depression if I try anything...)

I am not liking how I look these days but here goes, a pic of my friend Susan and me all gothed up and headed for the club. The amazeballs closet-room is Susan's.

I swear to god the linking for photos and videos on whitechapel is the most pissy, inconstant %@#^%^ GAH I didn't do it wrong it just doesn't feel like working for me this time. Fuck. pic here: ]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354040#Comment_3540402013-06-18T19:39:04-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00oldhathttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75
Fixed. In future, right-click the image on the facebook page and click on "copy image URL". That's the sweet one you want.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354042#Comment_3540422013-06-18T21:13:03-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00razrangelhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2075
Alrighty. Thanks, Robin.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354063#Comment_3540632013-06-19T11:50:44-05:002013-06-19T11:52:51-05:00oldhathttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75
Okay, I guess it's my turn...
ARGHFUCK
- A bit of post-travel blues after the brief NYC trip.
- My beautiful garden is overrun with weeds and bugs have been eating my vegetables. I'm fixing ...
ARGHFUCK

- A bit of post-travel blues after the brief NYC trip.

- My beautiful garden is overrun with weeds and bugs have been eating my vegetables. I'm fixing on it, but this is making me angry and sad.

- Weight is still shit. Almost convinced that losing 10lbs is just not going to happen.

- Wench stuff bugging me now that I'm back in to things. Those that know me (and that's most of you) know that I'm not really the type of person that likes putting myself out there. Having to throw myself in to things going "LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME, HEY THIS IS WHAT I DO READ ME AND PUT ME ON YOUR MAILING LISTS HEY HEY" puts me WAY out of my comfort zone and making me feel some pretty big anxiety, as there's a sense that if I stop doing that I'll lose what little success I've been blessed to have. I'm also feeling that, since many people within the industry have found my personal twitterfeed, that I can no longer be myself, flaws and all, online. The oldhat feed is, bit by bit, dissolving in to nothing and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

- Haven't heard from the stalker in a week, but I know he's out there. He's responded to my Wench posts via e-mail. This has stopped creeping me out and I'm now MIGHTILY pissed off. If I run in to him I will be sure to tell him that he has one more area in the city to watch his back and that if I hear from him anymore I will be forwarding his e-mails to a recruiter that he's working with to apply for his dream job (he overshares in his e-mails). Almost fucking done playing the ignoring game.

...rawr?

- NYC was terribly short, but wonderful to go to. It was so wonderful seeing friends and loved ones and walking around a city that I feel more at home at than the one I'm currently living. I always feel creatively recharged when I go there and damn, this was no exception.

- I got to see the Ghostbusters Firehouse in TriBeCa!!! I've been in love with the ghostbusters since I was a toddler and I was numb with excitement to just SEE the building and go up to it. It's a functioning firehouse with the ghostbusters logo as their official crest! And they sell t-shirts! I bought one and it is now my favourite "loaf around the house" shirt. Glorious.

- Wench stuff IS happening. I'm judging an event on Friday and am currently writing answers for an interview thing to be featured on a "Sites We Love" column for a HUGE internationally recognized food and drink magazine/site. So hey, things are good. I've also been feeling the embers burn on that book I was starting to write. Will set up a gameplan today and get working on it. Will also instruct friends with my number to harass me until I start working on the book again.

allo

@Faux, isn't getting caught up on good TV brilliant? I almost like being in a cave for nearly a year and emerging to check out new shows. Good luck kicking the smoking.@LPG, feel free to use me as a reference if you want.@texture, You're an incredibly talented and amazing fucker, Bram. @flecky, you have no idea how inspiring it has been to have a peek at your journey. You're a fookin' superstar, man.@Chris, hopefully you find a job soon! And good on you for unfollowing that gal. That only could have led to poison. And hooray running! tracking how easy it gets over time is pretty fun!

BLAH PIC

]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354069#Comment_3540692013-06-19T13:50:18-05:002013-06-19T13:52:38-05:00Bombus Hortorushttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2485
Good
Feel much, much better than I did a couple of weeks back. Was fairly shocked at how destructive and toxic my thinking had become. Snapping out of that feels like waking up from a bad dream. ...
Feel much, much better than I did a couple of weeks back. Was fairly shocked at how destructive and toxic my thinking had become. Snapping out of that feels like waking up from a bad dream. It's not necessarily that the issues aren't there, just that I want to deal with them more gently and more constructively than before. It feels like that pays dividends very quickly, just allowing myself to be happy for a while without having to smash myself up against the rocks of some ill defined sense of ambition I don't even understand. My girls helped me in the garden at the weekend, I showed them things and answered their questions and hatched plans with one of them to go collecting shells from the beach for decorating the pots, and when they ran off I felt a surge of sadness at how I'd been shutting them out for so long but also pure joy at realising that there was no need to let that carry on. Yes, I still have a long list of things to fix, but I'm building now, not tearing down.

I also had a really nice few pints with Iceland Bob last week, and spent Saturday night in Brighton dancing my heart out.

Just.so.tired. and very run down... have ulcers and sore throat and back pain that's been going on some time. Need a bloody good rest. Work is somewhat challenging also...

Applause

@oldhat I totally sympathize with garden pain. So many times... I don't know why people keep at it, except it's so rewarding when it does come together.And fuck the stalker, at least you have a nuclear option...

@hank great that you'll be near your kid@littlepurplegoth the thought of applying for work terrifies me totally, probably why I've stayed in the same place for ever... @raz yay for gothing up...

@everyone peace and goodwill...

Edit... Christ, trying to do this on a tablet is retarded...]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354077#Comment_3540772013-06-19T17:19:00-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00mister hexhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4411
First of all, MY MAGNIFICENCE CANNOT BE CAPTURED IN ONES AND FUCKING ZEROES. So NO PICTURE, for NOW. IMAGINE I AM SUFFICIENTLY GORGEOUS ENOUGH TO BREAK YOUR FUCKING EYEBALLS.
(Now that THAT'S out ...
(Now that THAT'S out of the way ...)

NO

- Health problem. Solved but had to include the bean-counting Mengeles known as DOCTORS into my life, which I dislike intensely. Anti-biotics. Internal infection. Nasty stuff. Gone now but troubling, to say the least. I always expected my guts were cleaner than a sewer but I was mistaken.

- Weather continue to be iffy at best.

(I also dislike this bifurcation of topics but I`m a well-known crank.)

FINE!

- Ladyfriend`s awesome.

- Creativity + Confidence is High.

- Family is OKAY, although my dad is getting Irish fucking Mist in his eyes and my Sainted Irish Mother wouldn`t have liked that. A bit sentimental in his ould age and pissing about with the family dynamic, just because he thinks he MUST. I dunno. A bit conflicted, for reasons I shan`t share. Suffice to say, somebody`s getting a better deal than they should and somebody`s getting screwed for no reason and I might be in a position to ... aw, whatever.

- Goin`on a trip to Quebec!

WITHOUT DOUBT!

oldhat - Keep leaping from success to success. Let me know when I can surprise this stalker. I imagine it will be quite a surprise.

- flecky - Anyone can make the shot ONCE. Zen masters do it everyday and you, my friend, ARE FOOKING ZEN.

- JP - PERSPECTIVE. - everyone I forgot - HA! I`LL NEVER FORGET YOU!]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354097#Comment_3540972013-06-20T05:18:12-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Fauxhammerhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=27
@oldhat YEAH, ABOUT THAT: I pulled the plug on the Chantix, because I got the badmind in the very worst way yesterday. I'll try something else. I know that feel about self-promotion, too. I'm half ...
@JP Glad to hear things are looking up. A night with Bob will do that, I hear.

Here's a picture of me and my cat.

]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354120#Comment_3541202013-06-21T02:37:53-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00sneak046http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4574
@oldhat
No solution, just unsolicited advice, but I follow a few 'public' accounts of ppl who also have private feeds so I wonder if you have considered maybe going private on your oldhat twitter ...
No solution, just unsolicited advice, but I follow a few 'public' accounts of ppl who also have private feeds so I wonder if you have considered maybe going private on your oldhat twitter - and I'd also consider blocking users if you aren't comfortable with them seeing your tweets. That's why you have the Wench feed after all.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354221#Comment_3542212013-06-23T16:33:43-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Alan Tysonhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1299
AAAAAAAAAAH!
You ever have one of those days where everything you do just seems to disgust you? Not like you feel depressed or anxious or embarrassed, but more like a day where you feel like you're ...
AAAAAAAAAAH!You ever have one of those days where everything you do just seems to disgust you? Not like you feel depressed or anxious or embarrassed, but more like a day where you feel like you're watching yourself from behind a soundproof window, and you just keep screaming "do better, you moron!" but you (on the other side of the glass) don't hear it, and just keep acting like a moron? That's been my day today. It's not that I can't seem to do anything right, I just keep feeling like I'm being an asshole to the people around me without meaning to be. It's been going on like this for a few days, but today just seemed to be the day that the levee broke and all my stupid just fell out for all the world to see. Mean, thoughtless things kept falling out of my mouth, I had no energy to do the things that needed to be done, and for whatever reason I felt like the Wolf in Red Hot Riding Hood every time a girl passed by me, and I hate guys who do that. I'm glad I've got tomorrow off to just hole up for a bit in the apartment and hopefully let my shit evaporate out.

Also, my head looks like a watermelon that someone stuck about forty rubber bands around the middle of. So you know, that's cool.

EEEEEEEEEEEE!

I've got a new story idea that I'm really excited about, and amazingly, this one doesn't want to be an HBO TV series or a long-running comic book. I'm pretty sure it just wants to be a 500-page novel or so, which is refreshing to me. I have a bad habit of dreaming too big, so it's a nice surprise to get excited about something small. Also, the pen-and-paper game that I've been fiddling with for a long time just went through it's first round of real play-testing, and it was just as much fun as I wanted it to be. There's still a lot of work to be done in ironing it out, but I feel like if I work hard enough, I could have a salable game by the end of the year, maybe even something I could put up on Kickstarter. So that's got me feeling like I can accomplish something, and that's a feeling I haven't had much of this last year or so.

YOOOOOOOOO!

Fox: For what it's worth, and I know I've said this before, but you're seriously one of the strongest people I know, just for persevering through all the medical shit you've had to put up with. And you're right, from the photos you've put up on Tumblr that I've seen, you look fantastic, and you weren't hard on the eyes to begin with.

Chris: Cutting out dumb, unhealthy crushes is hard as hell, and I may have to do much the same before long, so I have a decent idea of what it's like. I guarantee you did the right thing, though.

Dextra: I feel you completely on the art block. I know I said earlier that I'd just gotten a new idea, and that's true, but having the idea and having the energy to work on it are, some days, diametrically opposed. It'll pass, though, all blocks do in time, and when you next put pencil to paper it's going to feel amazing.

Littlepurplegoth: Yay for not having to hold yourself back! I'm not exactly the most intimate guy on the planet (lo-lo-lo-la Lola?) but I know what it's like to have to keep your instincts in a shell for other people, and it's complete bullshit. I'm really glad you don't have to worry about it anymore!

oldhat: FUCK YES THIRSTY WENCH! Also, while my first wish is that stalker dipshit would just disappear and never return, my secondary wish is that I get to hear what you do to him if he Crosses The Line.

Hex: Glad to hear you got your guts cleaned out, even if it sounds like it wasn't a pleasant experience. Keep yourself healthy, man, I want to see you the next time the winds blow me up north!]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354226#Comment_3542262013-06-23T18:23:11-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00allanahttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4019
Alan, I like your titles so much I'm stealing them.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Tomorrow's the fourth anniversary of my dad's car accident. I have a bottle of Bombay. I'm maybe going to ...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!Tomorrow's the fourth anniversary of my dad's car accident. I have a bottle of Bombay. I'm maybe going to open it right now, because today was a total wash. I started an almost-full-time-job last week and it's cool but I forgot how drained you feel, or how the weird anticipation of the weekend just makes it tense and awkward. It's too hot to do anything and we mostly just drank and watched teevee for two days running. If there was actually anything to get done (of course there is, I'm a damn grad student, fuck) I did not do it. I just hate my sense of motivation most days.And money problems means my boyfriend still doesn't have his own computer, so I still feel this sense of obligation, like, it's the weekend, I should let him have it, but then I never get anything without it to hand. So I'm sort of casting about feeling useless and sweaty (the humidity of this third-floor apartment is pretty bullshit) and thinking I should try to stay sober long enough to get something done. But fuck it.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!It's cool to have a job? That looks great on my resume? I guess. Nothing's particularly wrong in my life, I'm just in a funk. I have great music on and as soon as I'm done here I'm gonna play Tetris for like two hours. Positive!

Yoooooooo!Toronto people: I want to hang out for serious. I wish I was coming home for Pride. But maybe we can do something the first week of August? I'm planning to spend serious time in town.Alan: I feel you on "those days." Fuck.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354257#Comment_3542572013-06-24T15:44:48-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Fishellehttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8854
Wooooooo!
I got to help out with the local arts festival and got paid to do so again this year. The extra bit of income will be nice. It was a blast. I was working in the kid's area, and it's always ...

Wooooooo!I got to help out with the local arts festival and got paid to do so again this year. The extra bit of income will be nice. It was a blast. I was working in the kid's area, and it's always a joy to see children running around exclaiming their enthusiasm because they can draw on EVERYTHING. I dig kids. Everything is still magic to them and it's wonderful to see.

Moving time is drawing near, which is good. Got pushed back a little so I can attend a friend's wedding, but not too far into August, I'll be out of Salt Lake. This place has been good to me in many ways, but I am definitely ready to move on with my life post graduation.

UghExhausted, sunburned, and I haven't got a weekend without obligations for the rest of my time in Utah. That's no biggie, though. Sort of feels like I've accomplished something. Single, which is also fine, especially since I'm moving so soon. All in all, I should be pretty content. There's just one thing, an I hesitate to bring it up on whitechapel. But I need to talk about it somewhere and this box is here for me to fill.

I've been Mormon my whole life. I've always been okay with that. Hell, I even embraced it, believed in it wholeheartedly, defended it even when I could understand other people's arguments against it more than the one I was trying to see. But lately, for no particular reason I can gauge, I'm having a really hard time with it. Maybe it's just that life is good so I have more time to question things. I dunno. Whatever it is, wearing "modest" clothing, not drinking, not smoking, all the dumb stuff that used to make sense to me is just getting so much harder. It's not even that I have any interest in doing those things, it's that I feel separate an alienated from the people that I identify with an because I don't. Even though I know no one cares if they're any decent. It just feels like too much to ask of a person, too much of the world I'm not allowed into.I'm getting to the point in my life where it's really hitting me how the next thing I'm supposed to do is get married to a Mormon guy and start wearing garment and having kids. And I keep thinking about how if I did that it would mean raising children to believe in the same things I grew up believing, when I'm not sure I believe them myself. And that I would have to marry another LDS person, which really limits my options. I have never been attracted to a solid Mormon guy in my life, with the one exception and he turned out to be an asshole.Maybe it will help to move out of Salt Lake, maybe Ohio won't feel quite so much like the people who are religious must be pitted against those who are liberal intellectuals. But maybe it will be worse.I feel like I've never been trusted to make a decision about so many things, growing up in a culture where everything that could possibly be bad is forbidden, and it's really getting to me. But at the same time, there are still things I believe in here, things that have made me who I am.More than anything else the thing that's keeping me from just quitting on all of this is how I know my family would take it. Leaving the Mormon church seems like an inherently selfish thing to do when I think of my parents and my siblings. Is it fair to make them have to question things that heave held them together just because I am? Probably not.

I don't know that I really want a ton of feedback on this vent, I just sort of needed to get it out. At least refrain from celebrating and telling me to dismiss the institution simply on the basis that you are not a fan of it, yeah?

ApplesauceOldhat - a much as I like having the ability to retweet you, it will be good to lock things down. I am a fan of you in general, which includes your twitter feed, though, so I hope you don't feel the need to hide you're awesomeness too much.

Alan - I've had those days as well. People will understand and accept apologies where nessecary, I'm sure.

Flecky - You've been on my mind a lot lately as a friend has been getting back into drugs he shouldn't, and I've become aware of Salt Lake's heroin problem. Keep fighting the good fight, and congrats on the success so far. I want your story to end well as much as anyone does.

I would shout out to more of you, but I'm doing this on an iPod since my laptop died on me, and it is a pain to try and navigate the site while writing a post on this thing. Know that I read your words, and I love you all.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354335#Comment_3543352013-06-26T20:51:44-05:002013-06-26T21:45:03-05:00oddbillhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4272
Bad
Not much. I could complain, because who can't? But I won't.
Good
Beginning to get, after many years, the truth behind the idea that to accomplish anything creative you need to just show ...
Bad

Not much. I could complain, because who can't? But I won't.

Good

Beginning to get, after many years, the truth behind the idea that to accomplish anything creative you need to just show up, even when it isn't working, and just grind. Beginning to be able to shut distractions out.

The other thing

I've returned here pretty much specifically to empathize with Fishelle.

I was Catholic for my whole childhood, and my family is still pretty Catholic. Crucifix in the bedroom, pictures of the Madonna (no not that one) here and there. I stopped being Catholic in my heart some time around the end of high school, beginning of college. Sort of. I did and I didn't. I stopped being able to believe in the specifics. But I'm sure some of the core of that has never left.

For example, I really don't believe there is a god anymore. Just not at all. I don't think whoever Jesus was that there was anything supernatural about him. He was maybe charismatic. Maybe he never existed. I could be convinced of that. I just don't know, and it hardly seems relevant to anything to me anymore.

However, this whole recent switch of popes has been unexpectedly inspiring to me. I know this new one isn't with the gay either, and patriarchy, etc. I get it.

And it reminds me of all the genuine good I encountered growing up with Friars and Nuns as teachers, among people who genuinely believed that the poor should be helped, that no one was above or beneath needing love, that mercy was preferable to justice. There is a shitty vein in everything, sometimes several, but it doesn't mean there is nothing of value there, that there is nothing in the body worth preserving.

Fishelle: It sounds like more than whatever the core of grace is inside the Mormonism you've grown up with, the thing that is bothering you is not so much that, but the ways in which the restrictions around it separate you from the lives you see other people you like engaging with. I'm not Mormon so I don't know what deeper role those rules might play in the kind of life you might want to build. I tend to be down on the superficial magic of religions but I'm not down on the deeper virtues. There are ways of living you can't achieve without self sacrifice and discipline. Atheists and agnostics tend to accept that when looking at a vaguely understood Buddhism or athletic or academic practice, in which rigorous thought and physical discipline and deprivation are required. But they tend to discount those things when attached to Christianity or Islam. But it's the same mechanism, and there is real value in it.

That said, you are also incredibly young still and I think people get more value out of that kind of devotion when they start following it out of an adult decision, something you can't really make if you've known nothing but what you were raised in.

So, and this is my opinion, a 43 year old grizzled unmarried semi-misanthropic atheist, so take it in full knowledge of it's source, but I think you should step away from your family and your community's expectations a bit. I'm not suggesting you should sever ties or deliberately antagonize them. But you are an adult and it is your life. You shouldn't follow a cultural script unless you are making an informed decision to do that. You should drink coffee (it really sucks ass at first, but keep with it. It rewards patience) and alcohol (but not too much, except sometimes, so you know what too much feels like. But don't do too much right away. Do too much later, and then don't do it too often after that.).

Move away from home. Your head will never clear until you do.

Don't ever cut off or resent your family. You'll always need them and they will always need you. But you don't owe them your future. Not even your parents. That's the deal. You get born, they have to raise you, but then you get to be yourself. The core of what they taught you is you, you can't leave that, their stamp is in you, but they don't get to dictate what you do with it.

Maybe you'll end up a functional non-believer in an open relationship with a Rastafarian software developer. But you'll be one of those with a Mormon moral core, and the virtues your parents gave you.

Or maybe in ten years (you'll still be incredibly young in ten years) you'll end up back in modest clothes with a Mormon husband. If you end up wanting that, that'll be a good thing then.

But you are not responsible for your parents or your siblings questions. If you go walkabout, and end up living a really un-Mormon life, and are nonetheless successful, happy and fulfilled, it is not to either your credit or your fault if that causes your parents or your siblings to question choices they made or didn't make. Their questions are their own. It would be selfish of them to guilt you into choices you'd rather not make just so they can stay comfortable. But I'll bet they aren't doing that. I'll bet you are anxious about breaking rules and are putting imagined angst on them to give you selfless reasons to NOT act.

So I think you shouldn't do that. I think you should move away from home, make friends, try things, and build your own life. I think you shouldn't feel pressured to marry anyone. I think you should do things until you figure out which ones are fulfilling, and do those more. And I think you should go visit your family for the holidays and let them stay in your place when they visit you. Read dangerous books. Draw naked people. Go somewhere you can legally have a pot brownie and ONLY EAT A QUARTER OF IT! (Srsly. Just a quarter. o___O). Sleep with weird sexy boys (but safely!). Don't dive into all this stuff at once, but wade in and try it out.

When you come out of that I'll bet you are a whole, confident person and this question of obligations to tradition won't even be a thing anymore. You'll know who you are and what you want to do. You'll also know, thanks to your family and your religious upbringing, what is right, what is good, and what is mercy. Lots of people have all the drinking and fucking down cold, but they never learn those things. You learned those things first, so you will be able to do the dangerous stuff better. You'll know when to let up. And you'll still be a good person.

Don't smoke though. That's for losers.

:P

The beard is NOT CGI. It just keeps coming out my face I can't stop it.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354340#Comment_3543402013-06-27T00:16:14-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Rachæl Tyrellhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=552
Oddbill: CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP! Well said, sir. Well said. I heartily concur with everything you said.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354342#Comment_3543422013-06-27T01:06:01-05:002013-06-27T02:40:48-05:00dnewlinghttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=10558
The Boo: A scammer stole my visa card numberand I had to cancel that card. It would be so nice to borrow some urethral attack maggots so I could throw them at that scammer.
The Hurrah: I am ...
The Hurrah: I am discovering the art of zentangle and really enjoying it!

Chis G: I sure can empathise with you. I know all about how tough it can be finding work!]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354344#Comment_3543442013-06-27T02:16:14-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Scrymgeourhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4141
@Oddbill, good dissection on how to usefully use religion! Although smoking is both big and clever ;)
@ Fishelle, all the best
@ Fishelle, all the best]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354347#Comment_3543472013-06-27T05:06:03-05:002013-06-27T14:04:20-05:00Vornaskottihttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6665
\o/
I just looked at the Excel of terrors, where I keep track of my weirdly fluctuating finances, and it really hit home. There will be one totally wild card bill from the dive school on July, but ...
\o/

I just looked at the Excel of terrors, where I keep track of my weirdly fluctuating finances, and it really hit home. There will be one totally wild card bill from the dive school on July, but after that... damn. The spiralling finances rebounded in the spring, and starting from August, after I've paid the rent, bills and loan instalments, I'll be left with 2-3 times the money I've had to use in a median month since 2010. From this mont's salary I'm paying back my last "pal-loan" I had to take earlier this year. This means, amongst other things, that I can soon buy another pair of presentable pants, sneakers without holes in them, and my credit cards and account won't be in the red in the end of every month. There were no gimmicks, no sudden windfalls or things like that. Just working up, euro by euro, out of the swamp. One day now I just may be able to relax a bit. feelsgoodman.jpg

Life and relationship with Adventure Girl is good. Scary good. We do our little adventures from rock climbing through geocaching and dumpster diving on a weekly basis. I don't think I've been physically in a better shape in my adult life than I'm now, even the damn knee has stopped hurting. Mentally also. We also keep finding more and more points where we connect, which I find amazing since I'm a difficult motherfucker. AG is immensely productive and practical, and she's made a good amount of money gathering up clothes and stuff from dumpsters and recycling centers, repairing them and selling them in a flea market. I've sold my stuff there also, and for weeks now that's mostly where the money for food and necessities has come from. I've never been happier in a relationship, and I have the good sense to be grateful for what I have now.

The novel is coming back to what I hope is the second-to-last round of corrections - this time mostly language and grammar. AG did an incredibly cool cover for it, exactly the kind I've been thinking about for ages. I set up a Facebook page for myself to anticipate the novel coming out. It felt surprisingly icky, which is weird since I'm certainly not averse to self-promotion online. I use it to plug my other art and stuff, such as Viihteen Uusi Aalto, which has been publishing an album per month as promised.

I also got the first paying assignment from the research diver side! This is paperwork, but after that there will be some actual field surveys. Making money from diving just feels... weird, since usually it's a massive money sink. But damn. Actual science that interests me for money. Daaaaayum.

/o\

The weight loss is now a few kilos behind the schedule. Turns out that ironically it's hard to diet when you are low on funds. I've bought my lunches on vouchers I get from work, and when I burn a voucher for 9,70€, I sure as hell won't be getting just two pieces of lettuce for the money. Plus the constant background stress over money and the need to schedule and juggle a dozen things makes turning food into something difficult a thing I just don't have energy for.

Speaking of energy, that's kind of running low. Not for the adventures and sports, but getting work type of stuff done. I'm in a serious need of an holiday, a retreat to a cabin in middle of the woods with good books, fishing gear and the woman, but sadly I won't be having any before the Christmas. All my paid and unpaid holidays are eaten up by the dive school, and I'm still facing an autumn where I'll have to shoehorn in three weeks of school, and to do all of those hours back. It's been a great ride, but frankly I'm waiting for it to be over already. Well, at all other times except when I'm actually at the school, doing something awesome. :) I'm having visions of next year when it'll be just the one dayjob, eight hours per day, and maybe some diving work in the summer. I almost believe I can swing that ;)

o/

@Fishelle: A crisis of faith is a difficult but I think in the end a healthy thing to go through. Had mine, actually a couple of them. You end up coming through to the other side refined, or at least that's how I feel. It's not a black and white thing in the end, but a process.

@Chris G: No problem - letting go is sometimes a bit hard, and sometimes one needs if not a kick on the arse, at least a prod :) Good luck for the job hunt, that shit can be nerve wracking...

@Flecky: During the years I've been here and followed your posts, I've found myself wondering a few times about what the future will bring for you. This is what I hoped it would. Congrats man, you are a fucking inspiration.

]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354357#Comment_3543572013-06-27T08:25:54-05:002013-06-28T20:33:36-05:00icelandbobhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=5250
Hello everyone
It´s been a while hasn't it? I kind of lost track of this place for a long while, but decided to venture back after Robin announced that she was wielding a mighty Mod battleaxe to ...

Hello everyone

It´s been a while hasn't it? I kind of lost track of this place for a long while, but decided to venture back after Robin announced that she was wielding a mighty Mod battleaxe to the place. I thought to myself "OK, this has become interesting. Maybe I should come back, like the prodigal son."

There has been a lot of shit going on in this world over the last couple of months. I suppose i best get everyone up to speed.

BOO

Where to start

- Friends of WC will already know that My wife, Sigga, and I have been trying a kid now a a couple of years now. But to no avail. We managed to save up the $4000 for the first round of IVF proper in May. I can tell you it's not walk in the park. Numerous tests, a LOT of daily hormonal injections, and the harvesting procedure... well let's just say that the needle used to the internal anaesthetic is HUGE (And it still hurt like hell, according to Sigga).

After all that.... and it didn't work. you're very much aware that it's a crapshoot (Odds are 40% at best), but it devastated both of us. Sigga was in tears for days. Didn't help that one of her "best" friends marched over to our house the day after the news to cheerfully announce that she was pregnant. thanks for that.

- As for me, well things have been..... hard. they have been for a while now. Last time I was one here I talked about I was having some real problems with sleep, rage, about how I was fraying at the edges, etc...

Well it's been all downhill from there. Since I last spoke, I got screwed by my boss at work and tricked into transferring to the worst department of the Company (This has to be done, or we'Re going to have to let people go, etc). Of course it was all bullshit and now I'm stuck in a job that i utterly despise, with no prospects attached to it. Think of the job that the Eminem character was doing in "8 Mile," and you can get sense of the crushing drudgery of it all. My current boss speaks very little English and it´s hard to communicate with each other. She was surprised to find that I was not a newcomer, but had been with the company for 6 years. I have been looking for other work, but nothing has been suitable, apart from minimum wage factory work. Right now, I seen no way out from this.

And then at the beginning of May I received a tax bill for $1200. This was for all my work with my local paper over the last tax year. This may not seem like much, but the fact is that in Iceland i count as working poor, and I now have to work overtime in a job that I hate to pay it off. But i came to the horrid realisation that, despite at times it being a 2nd full time job with all the stress and hassle it entailed, writing and managing for the paper has meant that i was paid less than minimum wage. It became completely unviable to keep on doing it.

So I ended up quitting the paper. The only thing I had going for me that I actually had a fair bit of professional pride in, the thing that gave me the urge to try things and possibly move to other publications, was gone.

Since then I've just sank further an further to the point where now I can't seem to/want to get out of this mire that I'm in where I veer between utter self hatred and the idea that life is meaningless, and a total numbing of the senses. If I try to write anything down, I now find it almost impossible without me deleting it going "what's the point? what's the point of anything??" I just find no joy in just about anything i actually like in life, and can't bring myself to muster up disdain for anything that deserves it. I feel utterly hollow and burnt out with it all. And when i look at all the cool, brilliant stuff that the likes of Bram, The Outer Church, and so many other people seem to write with such verve, I feel like a total fake and just pretty much want to smash my head against a wall until it stops.

All I want to do is hide away from the world. Have signed off most social media with people I know as I just can't handle it right now and have no desire in me to go out into the world and see any gigs, people, or any of this festival nonsense. For example, there are major festivals in Iceland over the next month that i could/should be covering, but I'm not going to any of them. I spend most days/evenings in bed. Sometimes i just wonder if it would be better if i didn't exist, like James Stewart in "It´s a wonderful life." Take today - I'm typing this when i should be at work, but I've been in a gloom for nearly 3 days now and I couldn't face it, so I called in sick. I've spent most of the morning staring at the wall.

I saw my therapist on Thursday and he was a bit shocked at the state of me, which was a little bit unnerving (He had a car accident so we hadn't met for over a month). He's basically going, yup you are definitely depressed. He's holding off medication for now, but if things don't pick up this summer then this may be an avenue I have to go down. Sigga is trying to get me to engage with people and friends, which is good i think, but just the thought of speaking to oxygen thieves that pass for the cultural scene in this country just makes me even more miserable.

So yeah - no baby, writing is pretty much down the pan, shit job, depression. No prospects. the works

WOO!

Despite all this, i still managed to go to the UK for a holiday a couple of weeks ago. It was fun at times. As he mentioned I did meet Mr JP Carpenter for a beer and a chat. Nice guy. He needs to make more music. And I managed to actually get a small bit of joy out for Listening to the new Boards Of Canada while taking the family dog for a walk in the park.

YO!

To all the peeps out there, try to stay strong. @Rachæl Tyrell - How the hell you keep your head about water I will never know. The stuff you have would have felled a supposedly stronger person a long time ago. If i win the lottery I'll shove a several thousand $$$'s your way.@razrangel - I get that feeling of being hemmed in with a difficult situation. I suppose it doesn't count for much but the fact that you are aware fo the need to do something is a sign that you are getting somewhere. @Alan Tyson - I get you man. you almost feel that you can't have friends, because you're always thinking to yourself "Sooner or later, I'm going to say or do something stupid, and then it's over" you end up being so hard on yourself, that you actual friends get worried about you. Then you end up saying something stupid. It´s a ball-ache. And no your head does not look like a water melon.@flecky - you keep at it man, or so help me god, I will come down there and bore you to death with my stories. @Chris - Don't give up hope with your job prospects. It will happen for you. @Oldhat - The Ghostbusters Firehouse in TriBeCa?? Jammy Cow!]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354360#Comment_3543602013-06-27T09:19:04-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00dorkmuffinhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6719
@Bob, welcome back! We've missed your face around here.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354361#Comment_3543612013-06-27T09:37:55-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00icelandbobhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=5250
it's a pretty face isn't it?
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354363#Comment_3543632013-06-27T10:46:27-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00fleckyhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8949
@Bob: Yes it is!
@Vorn: And your one of the people who encouraged me to get through the darkness. Cheers!
@Vorn: And your one of the people who encouraged me to get through the darkness. Cheers!]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354367#Comment_3543672013-06-27T12:37:41-05:002013-06-27T14:10:54-05:00Bombus Hortorushttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2485
I'll do this the other way round...
Here's looking at you, kid
@oddbill *claps* as a pretty atheistic agnostic type, it took me a long time to break away from the militant Dawkins-esque ...
Here's looking at you, kid

@oddbill *claps* as a pretty atheistic agnostic type, it took me a long time to break away from the militant Dawkins-esque attitudes I had to religion, especially Christianity and Islam, to a more rounded view of their virtues, as you've described... guess you came from the other direction, but think you're absolutely right that you can't and shouldn't dismiss the positive aspects of it out of hand. Doesn't mean I believe any of it to be literally true, and there is a great deal I find repellent about organised religion but I can admire Jesus as a revolutionary figure and enlightened person and I get that many religious people have a genuine desire to be good and compassionate. But that was a beautifully written post.

@Bob dude, I'm so sorry to hear some of that and my heart goes out to you and sigga. I know I've been really fortunate in that area, but not without a lot of pain and heartache along the way, and I can imagine what you're both going through, especially if someone was insensitive enough to announce a pregnancy of their own on that manner. My partner cut people out of her life entirely for that kind of thing. If you ever want to vent, happy to have a beer via Skype, you know where I am. Meanwhile, hugs and warm vibes to you both.

And the other stuff... fuck, no, don't believe it. I've met many bullshit artists in my time, you are not among them. No way. You've got a passion and verve and knowledge around music that just pours out of you, I could listen to you share that for hours (and have!) and not get bored, and you're safely one of the warmest, most genuine people I've met in the last few years. You may not feel that, but it's true. And hell, when it comes down to it, everyone's winging it to a degree, the most successful people are just winging it on a slightly different plane and on a higher pay grade. Anyone who doesn't doubt themselves, doesn't question, has an unshakeable self belief, I'd bet anything that that person's an insufferable tosser.

Yes, it does sound like depression, recognising it for what it is is a crucial step to beginning to deal with it, but man, sorry you're having a hard time and again, you know where I am if there's anything at all I can do.

@fishelle, that's all pretty heavy going, I don't think I can add to what Bill said, but I hope you can find a good way through.@vornaskotti - cool on the money front. Think I've got about 2 years to go before I get to that sort of equlibrium unless I can stop myself being so sodding high maintenance... @alan - yeah, I had a few weeks like that. It passes. Thank fuck. And good news on the story.

Round up the usual suspects

Just frazzled. Work has been mental, I'm out 14 hours and then I get home and my partner's been really struggling to get the kids sorted and to bed, and dinner made so it's basically juggling children, trying to wash and tidy up, keep my garden alive, if I'm lucky get a bath, and get to bed for ten, which gets me six and a bit hours sleep (assuming the baby sleeps) and then I'm out again... so the week is just a solid blur, with no room to do anything other than more or less cope. Writing this on the train, not much else I can do in the narrow (ergonomically horrid but apparently just the right side of legal) seats... I made the decision not to fight it, and to roll with it for the time being because being angry was killing me and all, but physically, I feel shattered and burned out even if mentally I'm doing much better. Desperately need to order a new mattress as well, ours is broken, and killing my back... but had no time.

Here's to the start of a beautiful friendship

I'm still managing to remain a calm and mostly pleasant human being. This has lasted nearly three weeks. I like it. My partner likes it. My daughters like it. We're doing ok.

Have slowly, gently, started mending things and sorting stuff out. Ordered a cable to wire up my study to the broadband, bought a tarpaulin to patch the roof, began work on getting my music back online after its demise, started playing with music software again just to get the feel for it, made plans for the garden (I want to make some sculptures to make up for the lack of plant stock-stylised birds and animals made from wood, wire and metal). Also finally booked some leave from work and a chalet in Wales for a week so I get a chance to decompress. And had a good talk with my boss on Monday, stated my career frustrations and how I felt about stuff, and felt a lot better for it.

So yeah, and it's nearly the weekend. Nearly the weekend. If I can get up early, throw myself at my workload tomorrow morning, I might just head into the weekend with a sense of being nearly in control again, which would be blissful even if transitory and probably not fully true. But I CAN DREAM.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354372#Comment_3543722013-06-27T14:03:27-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00mister hexhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4411
THE DAFFY DUCK TRIFECTA (this is the good one because they're crazy)
I'm due to leave sometime tomorrow for Mah Ladyfriend's house in Quebec, with my nephew driving. (We might go at three in the ...
I'm due to leave sometime tomorrow for Mah Ladyfriend's house in Quebec, with my nephew driving. (We might go at three in the morning, as we're both night owls who hate traffic and it's a five hour drive.) This will be awesome, as it is Canada Day weekend and it will be nice to see a Part of Canada that isn't all covered in shit, like downtown Toronto. Vacation, all I ever wanted and all that. So that'll be fun. It's only for the weekend but it'll be fun.

Health seems proper. Rode my awesome bike a bit when the weather's nice. I used to go for long rides. I should start doing that again. Drinking less, enjoying more.

Been doing some writing and have been getting weird flashes of creativity, like my brain sets a stopwatch and says "Go" and then it's a Mad Minute, all gunsmoke and explosions and when I cease fire, there's something there that's at least interestingly destroyed enough for my liking. Submitted a couple of things to a friend of mine and am working on a couple of others to send out.

THE LEONARD NIMOY TRIUMVIRATE (this is the bad one because logically, I'm completely fucked.)

I'm worried about leaving my dad alone for three days. I'll miss my cat. I fooking HATE travelling and long car rides are the WORST WAY TO TRAVEL other than a fucking trebuchet. There are other things I could be doing than drinking in the sticks with a bunch of French Canadians, swatting mosquitoes and listening to the clangerous filth called "the radio". Lovely a place as it is, I can't help but feel out of place there, even though I'm very much wanted there.

I have ... (counts) ... FOUR cigarettes and almost eighty-five cents to last me until Four A.M. , when my pay comes through. I'm on the wagon today, as I have no money to buy beer. The beer I bought when I had money is in my girlfriend's fridge and she's in Quebec. (I'd break a window but she has an alarm system.)

I got more problems but I'll address them below :

SPECIAL GUESTS : THE LOGICAL EXTENSION!"

@depression - my thoughts on this are so scattered right now, I can't force them to make sense. Does that make sense? Bob, stay in there. You're my reason to go to Iceland one day. (Not really.) JP, glad to hear things are moving along. Keep going, mate. Alan, remember me? Yeah, I'm the king of Saying Stupid Shit. I'm saying it right now! (I guess what I'm trying to say is I empathisize and I want you all to feel better.)

@employment - Jesus, I need a new job. One of my coworkers threatened to punch out another one. To everyone feeling the employment pinch (and that's pretty much everyone). I need to upgrade my computer skills, like, SERIOUSLY. Anyone willing to help would be greatly welcomed and showered with kisses or something.

@faith and such - militant atheists should be crucified and loudly, in my opinion and I say that as a weird agnostic Zen Fascist. Don't ever mess with other people's beliefs. I also think that Holy Rollers should STFU already. Keep searching for answers, Fishelle, keep asking questions, be true to yourself.

@EVERYONE - you people are a huge inspiration to me. Everyone of you, so unique, so special. Strange, compassionate, eccentric and wonderful. Please everyone stay safe and amazing.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354376#Comment_3543762013-06-27T15:30:03-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00texturehttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1472
@icelandbob Dude, sorry to hear things have been going bad for you. On the journo side of things, if its any help at all (and it probably isn't), my job is also sub-minimum wage and I could well be ...
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354381#Comment_3543812013-06-27T20:11:27-05:002013-06-27T20:15:53-05:00Greasemonkeyhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4625
All right, third time typing this. Fuck the post-eating Internet.
THE PLEDGE:
Just crossing the finish line on a painting which has taken thirty-three months to complete. Enjoying breaking out ...
THE PLEDGE:

Just crossing the finish line on a painting which has taken thirty-three months to complete. Enjoying breaking out the special brush which I use solely for signing my name.

THE TURN:

There was another suicide in our building on Monday. Someone jumped off a balcony on the 28th floor after a standoff with the cops, and the body landed in our front courtyard just as my wife was leaving for work. It's the second horrifying splattery corpse she's seen up close in two years. Management always hushes this shit up when it happens, and I've heard stories of other jumpers that we haven't seen. We need to get out of this neighbourhood.

And if you're ever contemplating killing yourself, and if you care anything for the people close to you, don't jump off a high building. You'll end up looking like a ten-foot deep dish pizza, and your mum or your spouse or kids will have to try to identify your selfish, sloppy remains.

THE PRESTIGE:

@Fishelle: Preacher's kid here. Quit going to church as an adult.

Yeah, being part of a religious community is a pretty big deal. People with a secular background largely assume that you can just uproot yourself from your church life and move on without a ripple, so I hope you're able to hear the phrase "Why don't you just leave?" for the hundred thousandth time without committing bloody atrocities.

Bill's already said all the smart and relevant things about family and friends and one's moral core. I'll add that as an artist you might find weed enlightening, but don't let anyone force a joint (or anything else) on you. And don't smoke the synthetic blends that're sold as incense. They're made from artificial psychotropics sprayed onto dried herbs, and the high is nasty, paranoid and psychotic.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354382#Comment_3543822013-06-27T21:52:53-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Argoshttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=7792
First off, so many hugs to all, seriously. Extra hugs to Bob.
@Fishelle - Oddbill speaks wisely. All I want to add is - don't be afraid to step out the box a bit, and just do what feels right. ...
@Fishelle - Oddbill speaks wisely. All I want to add is - don't be afraid to step out the box a bit, and just do what feels right. I was raised Catholic, embraced it when I was younger, and then left it when I got older and started doing things that I earnestly felt in my heart weren't wrong, but that the church wanted to make me feel absolutely guilty for just for thinking about it. Experimenting is okay, in moderation, like Bill said, and you might find that things you grew up believing were totally wrong, are actually okay.

You also might find out you're not okay with them, and that's okay, too. I'm kind of stuck in that middle ground where I did have an experimentation phase, so I'm the wild child of the family, but didn't experiment nearly hard enough or early enough in my life to be as wild as some of the people I know, so I still have that "late bloomer" thing about me when I'm with those people. But some of those people are really just the other extreme of the uber-religious people I once knew.

Point is, it's okay if you want to branch out and find out what it is you want. It's okay if you don't. It's okay if you leave the church, and it's okay if you end up embracing it again.

GOOD - I have a job doing something I like. I actually fall asleep quickly most nights and no longer have insomnia (ie: it was never really insomnia, I just had too much free time).

BAD - There are some awkward things going on at work that I'm too tired to write in detail about at the moment, also I'm still adjusting from going to unemployed and largely sedentary to working a physical job 5 days a week. I still come home tired but at least I'm not being cranky at Edgar anymore.

Also I'm seriously considering seeing a therapist about medication because at the moment, nothing major is wrong with my life (not like the last two years, at least), yet I still find myself wanting to cry sporadically most days, dwelling on minor things for days on end, and filling up dead time with suicidal ideation. Not wanting to actually act on it, but you know. I read a blog post by stephen fry about his depression and he mentioned that medication made his suicidal ideation go away, which is a vast improvement even if he still gets sad some days. I'm hoping that by expressing that here I'll have made a first step to actually doing something instead of waiting for the "blue spell" to go away, which is what I usually do. I know there's no magic pill, but I'm at a point where I really feel like I've done what I can to improve what I able to improve, and I still get extremely sad, so I wonder if I just have a chemical imbalance. Especially since multiple of my family members are on meds, so, genetics might be there, and I know a low dose of prozac has done wonders for my mom's anxiety. I'm otherwise still functional, getting stuff done at the new job and what not, so we'll see.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354383#Comment_3543832013-06-28T00:49:06-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00DavidLejeunehttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4220
Hey everybody. I'm going to try to stick with the three acts, but I might get a bit overly spleenventy.
The BooYay
I quit my job of the past three months today. I'd met with a recruiter ...
The BooYay

I quit my job of the past three months today. I'd met with a recruiter yesterday in hopes of finding a better job and what he told me boiled down to "My company has video game company clients, but we don't really help them with QA recruiting, and unfortunately, your years of game QA experience will not be considered relevant to regular software QA unless you can get some certifications, so I don't think I can help you." Which got me thinking more heavily about where I am, and where I want to be, and how working at the job I just quit was going to help get from here to there, and the answer is: It Won't. It will only make it harder. Which is something that I'd basically known since about the second week I was there, but I kept hoping that the problem was more me than the job, and that once I started doing the compliance work that I'd believed I'd been hired to do that it would turn around and I'd enjoy it again. But I was wrong. I had thought they'd hired me for my compliance experience to help them with their processes (my compliance experience was pretty much exclusively with the Xbox 360, and they're responsible for testing a PS3 and PS4 SKU. My processes were the only relevant thing.) To build a more efficient, more effective internal compliance team. After meeting with the QA Manager today and expressing some of these thoughts he came back with "It was never intended that you be giving feedback on our processes. You were hired to do the test plan, and that's it." When I asked about things like SCE Devnet access (a necessary part of testing Playstation stuff, since you sometimes need to ask Sony for clarification about what certain requirements mean, or for risk assessment for certain issues) the response was "Your lead has Devnet access, the programmers have Devnet access. You don't need it. You're just here to run the test plan. If you can't do that, you should try and find work elsewhere." I said I'd have a response by the weekend. Five minutes later I sent an e-mail to the staffing agency representative giving my notice, and asking for my last day to be tomorrow. About 30 minutes after that, the QA Manager comes in and asks for my badge, and says they'll be letting me go at 6.

So that happened. I still haven't told my dad, in whose house I've been living the past few months (and many more months than I had originally planned, thinking that my experience would net me a solid job relatively quickly) and I'm not sure what his reaction will be. I'm expecting disappointment, but not anger. He's seen how this job has been effecting me emotionally over the past couple of months (I've been skipping work pretty frequently because I just can't muster the energy to get out of bed and go there; and he doesn't know this, but I full on broke down crying in my car over not knowing what the fuck I'm even doing any more a couple of weeks ago), and I've told him more than once that it's a dead end that I hate working at. And I have something of A Plan...

The biggest problem for me is that I recently signed up for a health insurance plan that I'm going to pay out of pocket for due to the health plan offered by the staffing agency being essentially worthless. It kicks in on Monday, at about $300 a month. I have more than enough savings to cover it until the end of the year (when it'll switch to an ACA Silver Plan that I'll be able to get largely subsidized, if necessary), but the combination of that, rent on my storage unit, car insurance, phone bill, internet bill, and other expenses means I'm going to be burning through my savings much more quickly than I'd like. And I'm not eligible for unemployment since it was a voluntary termination.

The YayBooI quit my job! No more with the crushing depression (at least not about having to go to work at a place that I would happily watch burn to the ground), the awful eating habits, the limited exercise, the severely limited ability to see my friends or do the things that I enjoy in life, the brain vitrification that has made it harder for me to think creatively or take the time to act on those occasional sparks of ideas when they happen. I'll probably need a couple of days, but I think I'll be able to get my head straight and give that android game I've been working on since October the attention that it's been lacking since I started working again.

I have A Plan! I am going to try and get one or two of the certifications recommended by the recruiter I spoke to and make myself a more enticing hire (ISTQB Certification is recommended, and appears to be very easy to get. I did a sample exam blind and got 60%. A pass is 65%. The exam has 40 questions, so I only needed to get two more right (arguably only one more. I'm fairly certain that one of the questions I got wrong was wrong about me being wrong). An hour or so of study and I could probably get 80% or more without issue.) I'm going to start going to some of the monthly IGDA-LA events and get my face known. I am going to start more aggressively contacting recruiters. I have skills, I just need people to notice me.I wrote a DevBlog of sorts for my android game over on the G+ page I set up for my indie gamedev project, Whisky Neat Games. (Please follow it! Tell your friends! I am terrible at marketing myself! Also I need a logo!). Once I get another thing operational in the game I will do another one that won't be a mass of re-edited tweets. I also have an idea for another game, but I'm going to have to learn Unity to make it, and 'from scratch' game takes precedence over middleware heavy game.

The YayYay@Argos: Having a job that you like is the best thing, isn't it? Or at least ranks amongst them.

@Alan: I know that screaming behind the glass feel. I feel it much of the time.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354405#Comment_3544052013-06-28T18:32:43-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Argoshttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=7792
@David - omg yes, it's amazing. It sucks up most of my time, so it's nice that I'm spending the majority of my daily hours doing an activity I like rather than doing something I hate just to pay the ...
On that note, good on you for quitting a job that was causing mental deterioration. Having to use up your savings for everything will suck, but you're free! Best of luck with the certifications :)]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354428#Comment_3544282013-06-29T16:59:26-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00oldhathttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75
I just got back from a surprise camping trip and am now at my cottage for the weekend, where Internet is cell phone-only and I can't respond at length to people.
I'll be giving big responses (and ...
I'll be giving big responses (and my own open mic contribution) later, but for now all I have to say is this:

This is Whitechapel and you are all amazing.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354435#Comment_3544352013-06-30T00:46:07-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00razrangelhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2075
Hey look at me posting on Saturday night like this was a good old fashioned SNOM! Only thing is I've nothing to drink. *sadnesses* I have a headache so it's just as well. But I'm listening to ...
Tell ze whip you love it! I love the whip! *whipcrack* You lie!Umm Keepin keepin on. Glad to be of service etc. Working out how to be productive without overwhelming myself and without dodging the rather huge mess that is my life. It took a long while to be able to face each task. But I've gotten a few things done that I had been putting off for several months like pulling files from my ancient computer to load on the new laptop and adding applications I've needed. I've gotten this done largely by mixing in pointless fun things. An hour on something useful, an hour on something stupid. Repeat. I don't get a lot done, but more than zero which has been my pattern for almost a month.

I finally made it to the gym today after more than a month gone. It feckin hurt. I couldn't do everything. But I'm up for more.

Livin without putting on shoes this week has been nice. I don't like wearing shoes, barefoot hippy me, though I always do when I leave the house. So days without shoes are days I don't leave the house. It's a silver lining kind of thing.

No more Coltrane. Now some Dexter Gordon, which ain't half bad.Tell ze whip you hate it! I hate the whip! *whipcrack* You lie!This whole month, man. I've wasted months - fuck I feel like I've wasted whole years. I've... wallowed. This month was a lot of that. Barely able to get out of bed some times, staggering to a few commitments I made and then running away again. No, no, NO I do not like this. I don't like where this is going. I don't want to go easy on myself. Fuck, it's getting things so damned easy that keeps me comfortably fucking numb.

And this past week... I don't DON'T want to come off as whining. I'm just doing a lot of stuff that isn't for me, and it's all stop and start. I have to take care my mom. She can't move her left arm post surgery so she can't dress or bathe and definitely can't do all the mom stuff like make meals or clean. So that's all me. And I am SHIT at helping out with other people while taking care of my own stuff. When I stage manage a show my own life goes to shit. I can't get to the gym, I can't clean my room, I eat like shit and barely keep up with hygiene. It's a fucking disaster. But I've figured out how to survive while stage managing. These days I start to write an email and then stop to help my mom get into the bathroom and back. I'll open a Japanese lesson and have to stop to go help mom do her exercises. I have to abort taking notes on voice acting podcast to go fix lunch... UGH.

I hated taking care of my little brothers when I was 10. When I was 15 I worked out that it sucks to be mom, and by 18 I was sure that I had no interest in having kids. I slid around a little in that during my 20s but held onto the fact that nothing ever convinced me I wanted kids or a family to look after. And now I am dead sure. I am a fucking heartless human being and I DO NOT like picking up after other people, cleaning an entire house because other people can't be fucked to wipe a counter or sweep the floor on their own.

I just want to kick everyone out of the house for a day so I can do my own stuff. I'll never catch up - hell, I started a few years behind and even accepting that I have to start in the place I am, I've lost my momentum completely. To say nothing of what an asshole my brother is. GAH. I'd love to have the love my mom has, but I don't. And while I'd go easy on myself for such a failing in the abstract - not wanting to create a family, whatever that's just how I am - I don't like that I am this way when it comes to reality. My fucked schizo brother is for reals a living human being and I feel more charity for people on death row than for him. That's not right.

Onto some Rebirth Brass Band, which means time for hugs all around.Tell ze whip you are indifferent to it! I can take or leave the whip! *whipcrack* You lie!Fuck, all of you are just awesome.@Alan - hell yeah get your story out in the world, excitement is YAY!@allana - *hugs* on shitty anniversaries. But it is a good thing to have a job (that doesn't hate you and want to steal your soul).@Fishelle - *hugs* I see a lot of what you're saying. I would have the same sharing thoughts as oddbill but a. I'm a girl and b. ultimately came 'round to digging on Catholicism, but with a lot of asterisks. Maybe... look for the things that move you about your religion, and look for things in the outside world beyond. The outside world isn't bad but it is terribly confused and just, I don't know, stuck on itself. But keep that need to be moved, to be joyful if not ecstatic, in mind and you might find that your religion had the right idea all along - which you'll know because when you go out into the world you see God everywhere. Keep checking in with yourself and like Bill said, don't imagine you owe anything to anyone else.@dnewling fecking scammers@Vorn - hurrah for Adventure Girl and good times! That's some special business right there.@Bob - damn that's a lot to fret over. But can I say? It's really good to hear from you. I mean really good, been missing out on what Our Man in Iceland is up to. Just a little bummed it's bad news. I expect having to give up the writing job was inextricably linked to depression (definitely sounds like it from my own bouts which is not remotely medically useful), which is not to say it was the wrong choice. But maybe that you could do with some long deep breaths and considering that your brain is giving too much weight to certain risks or setbacks, or more than necessary anyway. Goddamn depression makes judgment calls like that really treacherous.@JP - glad you're up to being a good solid human. People find it easier to give you what you need that way. }:> *hug*@Hex - needling you about travel is such a fun game it's hard to resist...But I still expect you survived with little consequence.

Aw yeah some Avishai Cohen.@Greasemonkey - awesomeness and applause on finishing a thing!! Woot! And meep and *hugs* on the darkness your building seems to possess. Rise above and maybe get away...@argos - right on for having a gig you enjoy. That's tough to find! Now, go forth and settle that mind that gets lost inside itself!@David - if I had any money I would TOTALLY be calling for meetup just to toast you on getting out of a sucky place. Finally!@Oldhat - woot for nature! And thanks for sharing some pics on Twitter, a few pixels of paradise did wonders over here. }:>]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354442#Comment_3544422013-06-30T04:40:48-05:002013-07-01T05:59:17-05:00fleckyhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8949
I'm going to dump this in segments, so please forgive.
HEART AND SOUL:
It's probably been the toughest few weeks for me since I was in detox last year. All of it, just tough. A few days back I ...
HEART AND SOUL:

It's probably been the toughest few weeks for me since I was in detox last year. All of it, just tough. A few days back I was just broken. My feet are fucking fragged from the consequences of my using. On some days I can handle it - most in-fact - but sometimes it can be unbearable. I went into a spiral of self-pitying horror, ended up a wreck on my bed, squirming around in physical and mental torture. It was like I was still using, and I had cravings real bad. I was on the phone to people just groaning, saying I can't take anymore, and that I was going to go to a doctor and take whatever drugs they would give me. I didn't, because I'm someone who can't take pain-relief responsibly. They give me even a hint of an opiate and it's game-on for my addiction.

Thanks to the people who helped me through a day of hell! I probably could have grinded my way through it, but support from other people got me to the end of the day without fucking-up and their "love" relieved my madness.

I've got a new-found-respect for this "thing" I've got. Call it a disease, whatever. It's freaking hideous. I still see myself as a total monster at times, which is waging war with my soul. I'm so angry a lot of the time. The other day I stormed-out of a self-help group, telling people to go fuck themselves. I must have looked a right crazy walking round town to cool off. But I did, went back, and told them why they were seriously pissing me off. The crazy thing is, my anger is valid, but I just need to learn to manage it in a more responsible way.

People say I'm a nice guy, a decent bloke with a code of ethics and morals. I've got to learn to see this and not just think I'm some monster who belongs in a sewer writing poetry, periodically going up for scraps of food, singing songs to women from the roofs of buildings and scuttling for cover when they look-up all tearful and say: "Who's there, don't be afraid. Show yourself, oh beautiful monster!" I know it's funny, but that's how it feels at times.

I was with a lady-friend the other night, went for a meal because it was her birthday. Three drunk guys passed passed us in the street, saying some some stupid, idiotic bloke crap at us. Christ, you know when you can feel violence in the air? Like an electro-static charge - deadly stuff. I just had to stand there and feel it. Not act. Suck-it-up. If I'd lost it it would have been bad. For them. For me. And it wouldn't have been nice for my friend.

So, yeah; I've been feeling like fucking and fighting recently. Maybe I should go-out and get laid, but I don't think I'm up for making a remake of Shame at the moment. Ha!

THE SOUND OF MUSIC:

Music, as always, is helping me no-end to get through all this. A crazy thing, too, is that the self-help group I stormed out-of: I start co-facilitating a new one later this week! Madness! The staff at the center seem to think that when I speak people seem to take notice of me and that I give off a bit of an authority. Who am I to argue, so I'm going to give that a try. I'm also going to see what I can do this week with all the training I did for my voluntary work.

So I didn't relapse into hell this past week, and this is fucking good. I've had - and got - more hardships, but you good folks have had quite a hefty dose of mine. Anyway, the good thing about pain is when you emerge from it you have the epiphanies. They flow like melting chocolate. And they're great!

THE DAY OF THE LORDS:

@oldhat: Thanks for the service, for helping to keep this thing going.@Bob: Good to see you back here. Keep on fighting the depression. I have faith in you.@oddbill: That was a good post, and respect to you for sharing to help Fishelle out.@mister hex: I hope you've been having a good weekend, matey.@all: Your good people, so just keep doing what your doing.

EDIT: I just got back from a doctors. She reckons I've got some sorta chronic fibrosis going on with my feet. Gonna try some ibuprofen gel, see if that helps some. I can live with that today :)]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354496#Comment_3544962013-07-01T18:50:37-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00mister hexhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4411
This will be muddled and not on-format. Sorry in advance.
A friend of mine died. OD'd. Not a close-close friend but one I knew and enjoyed. Hadn't seen him in a while, chatted electronically a ...
A friend of mine died. OD'd. Not a close-close friend but one I knew and enjoyed. Hadn't seen him in a while, chatted electronically a bit. He had addiction issues, he got clear of them, he relapsed and .... died. Cops found his body and he was "not responding." His name was Patrick. My name is Patrick.

I survived Quebec. A kid nearly put out my eye with a sparkler. Not a child, a kid. Ten, twelve or so. Don't tell me he didn't know what he was doing. I told him to cool it. He got all cocky. I felt the heater on the hairs of my mustache and saw the psychotic little gleam in his inbred eye. I was ready to kill him, LITERALLY MURDER HIM. Luckily, he could run. I was told his dad was in jail, arrested at a local place the week before. I don't care.

I come home to find out my friend died. My friend Patrick.

My nephew had a GREAT time. He relaxed, I could see it. HE NEVER RELAXES. It was like uncoiling a massive industrial spring or a roll of especially nasty concertina wire. He gets along famously with my girlfriend and her whole lovely town. I wasn't sure he wanted to leave (In fact, push came to shove and a wee bitta luck, I would've been walking back or taking the train on his dime.)

My dad fucked up his wrist somehow. The cats didn't fight while I was gone (but they both assured me that they still fucking hate each other; they just have an armistice when I'm not around.) The house is surprisingly clean.

And my friend Patrick is dead.

@grease- yeah. You gotta get outta that fuckin' neighborhood, man. The real estate market can't be so desperate that you can't find a better place. I'll put out some feelers.

@flecky - hope you're doing okay. And the understanding that one can be a horrible fucking person at times is a valuable insight that most people rarely achieve.

@ oldhat - hope you had fun. You deserve ALL the fun.

@ everyone - Hope y'alls well.. Don't nobody die no more.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354507#Comment_3545072013-07-02T02:38:19-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00fleckyhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8949
@mister hex: I'm real sorry to hear about your friend. Seriously. And thank you, I'm doing OK. Hang in there, lad!
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354528#Comment_3545282013-07-02T15:04:57-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00icelandbobhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=5250
@Mister Hex - Man that's the worst. I'M so sorry to hear about your friend. Hope you're holding up well with it all.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354530#Comment_3545302013-07-02T16:11:23-05:002013-07-02T17:52:48-05:00oldhathttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75
GRRFUCK:
- Been either crying or on the verge of crying for a while. Sometimes I know why, others not. I thought it had to do with Lady Troubles, but this depression seems to be sticking around. ...
- Been either crying or on the verge of crying for a while. Sometimes I know why, others not. I thought it had to do with Lady Troubles, but this depression seems to be sticking around. I'll...figure it out. I guess.

- Wench stuff is annoying me still. Getting fucking sick of this feeling that when I progress even a little bit everything else seems to take a huge step away and I'm back to this shitty level. I'm feeling really really really really burned out. I'm staring at study materials for a Level 1 Cicerone test and am not sure that I'll pass the test and not even sure if I should bother. As I e-mailed to POS, herding Llamas in Romania is sounding pretty fucking good right now. And this constant feeling of not being "in the club" may very well annoy me enough to break out of this.

- Weight. I'm so disgusted with myself.

Eh...fuck it:

- I made the spontanious decision to go camping with some friends last week. Less than 12 hours notice and I was out in Algonquin Park for three days. No phone or internet service, just a fire, a tent and a beautiful lake to swim or go fishing in. I can't express just how much I needed that. It was good to be in friendly company (My friend, her fiance, someone I haven't seen since high school and a new person). It was a lot of fun.

- After camping I spent the long weekend with family. Relaxing.

- I'm in SAVEUR Magazine's "Sites We Love" column. Soon I'll be in Now Magazine for a "Ladies of Beer" feature.

- got a paid gig writing two articles a month on beer. More details later.

- Friends.

Let's go bowling:

@Fishelle, you and I talked. Wishing you best of luck in whatever you do. <3@Flecky, Keep going strong, Flecky. @Raz, glad you liked the pictures. :)@Hex, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Hang in there.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354536#Comment_3545362013-07-02T20:59:57-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00trini_naenaehttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=183
Boo:
Depression is kind of getting at me, I'm spending too much money, my future is generally uncertain job-wise, my apartment is a mess with no sign of me being able to handle it, I'm appalled with ...
Depression is kind of getting at me, I'm spending too much money, my future is generally uncertain job-wise, my apartment is a mess with no sign of me being able to handle it, I'm appalled with the way I look, I'm getting nowhere with my art, and other general crap of the same sort. I miss having regular access/time for stuff on the internet, and I don't enjoy the resulting completely out of touch-ness of what is going on around the world that is the result of not going online for a week at a time.

Yay:Regardless of what may happen in the future, my job is going well now. I seem to be getting on well with most people, and I even got a guy who vaguely looks like Joshua Jackson to consider watching Fringe. There's also a guy at work who looks kind of like the main character in the British show Spy. Amusing. I think there might be an interesting blog post about observations from working in box store retail. If I get around to it. Occasionally I do fun things with fun people, and that is nice. The pastor of my parents' church came over tonight to facilitate a family meeting which involved my mom, sister and I telling my dad that yes, indeed, he is an asshole who doesn't listen to us, or care about us, and will try to force us to do what he wants (again), and the pastor telling him that he needs to change. And he is going to work with my family to make that (possibly) actually happen. Will there be progress? I don't know, but the pastor has called him on stuff before and might actually improve things. I'll take it. As much as I don't agree with the pastor on all sorts of things (being a generally conservative Christian), I respect him because he actually helps (and sides with) my mom when it comes to my dad, and seems to be able to catch what my dad is doing and explain to him why that isn't ok.

Y'all are Good Peeps:@oldhat: Thanks for setting up this awesome, and kudos to being a fabulous Mod. (@Alan Tyson too: The Goddamn Bartender. Hmmm, I like that.) Major major happy dances for all the good things going on with The Thirsty Wench. You deserve it! And yeah, self promoting is hard. (I'm doing a great job of not doing it at all right now. Derp.)

@hank: Best of luck in Michigan. Yay for being near the kid.

@Rachael: I wish I had something worthwhile to say about the medical stuff and the endless lack of money. I'm super glad that things are going well with the fellow at least.

@flecky: Somehow you keep going, and I've got mad respect for that.

@razrangel: One day at a time. I believe you can do it, even if it take a lot of time to get there. I hope this helps.

@JP Carpenter: I'm glad things are going better for you and your family.

@mister hex: I'm glad to hear about the things that are going well, sorry to hear about your friend Patrick dying.

@fishelle: Whatever decisions you make about your life and your beliefs, I'm hoping the best for you. I kind of know how it feels to live in two different worlds at the same time, and there's nothing wrong with doing that either.

@oddbill: I have mighty respect for your ability to get to the point of just grinding things out. It's hard to get there. Kudos.

@Vornaskotti: Adventure Girl sounds completely amazing. I'm so happy for you and all the good things that are going on.

@icelandbob: Damn. Hugs? You really sound depressed, and I hope you get the help you need. And that things start getting better.

@everyone: I've read your post and have had reactions and am crossing my fingers for you, because as stated above, Y'all Are Good Peeps. I just can't respond to everything. (I wish I could.)]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354540#Comment_3545402013-07-03T02:18:12-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Scrymgeourhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4141
@oldhat, I've never seen a llama in Romania, but they have sheep and very very very cheap beer
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354578#Comment_3545782013-07-03T21:31:17-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Fishellehttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8854
I just want to thank you all for being so kind and giving me advice. Oddbill especially, of course, but I also especially appreciate the tone of everyone else's posts telling me it's also okay to go ...
To Bob: We've missed you. I hope you can start to get things sorted soon. You and Sigga are in my thoughts.To Hex: I'm so sorry for your loss.

Since my last post (good and bad, because they're hard for me to separate):

Called the police to stop a friend from killing himself one night. Turns out he wasn't actually going to do it, he just made it sound like he was. He's still talking to me, so I guess that's good.

Had a little alcohol at a friend's party. Not having that be one more thing I've never done is helping me to feel a little less resentment toward the religious stuff.

Had a solid chat with some fellas I go to church with on Sunday. Feeling less decisive about all of that stuff, but I've got time to figure it out. And even if I'm not sure any of how I felt had to do with God directly, it meant a great deal to feel the love and friendship of those two men who basically visit me every month because the church asks them to.

Been sort of burnt out on art since graduating, but I'm starting to feel the fog lift. I've got things to make art about, an that is something that always makes me grateful for hard things in life.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354597#Comment_3545972013-07-04T11:04:45-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00oldhathttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75
Re: earlier rant.
]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354607#Comment_3546072013-07-04T16:43:20-05:002013-07-04T20:05:18-05:00Greasemonkeyhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4625
@Oldhat: Beer, pizza, comics. Soon.
@Fishelle: You're welcome. If you have any questions about stuff that's outside your experience, and you want frank answers, ask 'em here.
@Hex: well, that ...
@Fishelle: You're welcome. If you have any questions about stuff that's outside your experience, and you want frank answers, ask 'em here.

@Hex: well, that sucks. Sorry to hear it. Beer and pizza and comics with Oldhat and me, soon.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354654#Comment_3546542013-07-06T07:16:45-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00mister hexhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4411
NO, SIR. DON'T LIKE IT!
I NEED A NEW JOB. Seriously, it's killing me. I can do it and all and I'm even getting good at it again, like crazy good. But jeez, the management is FUCKED. A ...
I NEED A NEW JOB. Seriously, it's killing me. I can do it and all and I'm even getting good at it again, like crazy good. But jeez, the management is FUCKED. A million-dollar renovation and IT RAINS IN THE STORE EVERY NIGHT AT PROMPTLY 11:30. (A freezer unit defrosts and frozen crap on the pipes falls down from an open ceiling tile onto the floor, right outside the back-room. And no one thought to address this issue? Really? My BOSS does things that, if anyone subordinate to me did, I WOULD TEAR A STRIP OFF THEM WITH THE LASH OF MY HORRIBLE VOICE and if they weren't crying before I finished speaking, then they were made of molybdenum steel.)

Still finding equilibrium with my relationship with my dad. He gets chatty everytime I make dinner and then gets huffy when I say I can't talk right now, or gets offended when I just riff on shit like a comedian. (Which I am, natch.) He wants it to be like a debate or at least a panel discussion. To me, it's a minor annoyance and a minor appearance. We'll get there but yeah, they'll be lots of crying.

MY HOUSE IS A FUCKING MESS. Seriously, I gotta police that shit, man.

My friend died. We had the same name. He was one helluva character. I'll miss him.

I'LL TEACH YOU TO BE HAPPY!

His funeral was in Halifax. The day before, their big fireworks display was scheduled but cancelled on accounta rain. So on the day of his funeral - FIREWORKS. Fitting. Very appropriate. He's at the Big Karaoke Jam In The Sky.

Fun with the Ladyfriend, like, A LOT. (Oh, not like that. But like that, too.) We get along well together. I'm off to her nephew's birthday party today. It'll be fun.

Writing going surprisingly well. Dug up a lotta archival material (Seriously. I am the worst librarian EVAR) and was surprised at how I'm not half-bad. Am repurposing things, to effect. Have figured out some themes I seem to be drawn to and the Big One is RECONTEXTUALIZATION. Something One Way Or Something Another Way. What seems normal is out-of-place and vice versa. (Probably watched the Wizard Of Oz too many times as a kid.)

IT'S POWDERED-TOAST MAN!

@Grease - Jawohl! Summertime! We have options, vis a vis venue! Lemme know! *salutes smartly!*@ oldhat - Nice. Open it up to anything. You got something to say. Wenches cannot live on beer alone. @Flecky - Sir. You are an inspiration. To me. To others. To everyone. Keep inspiring. Yer alright, mate. @ Fishelle - Alcohol won't kill you. (Yes, it will.) Well, TOO MUCH will. But a little bitta poison can be the cure. And once you get past the taste, you get to enjoy the taste. @ WHITECHAPEL RAMPANT - Thank you for your kind words. Meant a lot. Don't nothing bad happen to y'all, y'alls good peoples.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354663#Comment_3546632013-07-06T13:54:53-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00dorkmuffinhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6719
One of my college roommates was killed in a car crash in Belize. She was traveling. She was 24. I don't like all this "was" business.
And now, to go hang out with a bunch of mostly ...
And now, to go hang out with a bunch of mostly strangers at my friend's wedding.

Breaking format because ow.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354667#Comment_3546672013-07-06T18:18:13-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Argoshttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=7792
Holy shit, ((hugs)).
Too many friends dying for you good folks.
Too many friends dying for you good folks.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354672#Comment_3546722013-07-07T05:05:30-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Bombus Hortorushttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2485
24 is way too young. Sorry and hugs.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354674#Comment_3546742013-07-07T06:43:50-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Alan Tysonhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1299
Strong hugs.
Strong hugs.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354714#Comment_3547142013-07-08T00:41:12-05:002013-07-08T00:41:31-05:00Vornaskottihttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6665
o/
@dorkmuffin: Oh... fuck :( Very sorry to hear that :/ What is it with this summer and stuff like this :/
\o/
We wired a small bay in the sea for electricity, and didn't burn down ...
o/

@dorkmuffin: Oh... fuck :( Very sorry to hear that :/ What is it with this summer and stuff like this :/

\o/

We wired a small bay in the sea for electricity, and didn't burn down anything. One of the biggest causes of stress and worry for me this year is gone - we got our research diver school experiment going, the one we need for graduating. We originally planned to set it up on last November, then last May, then June... first it was the Game of Thrones winter that messed things up, then it was... well, the experiment is rather intricate and requires a shitload of things to go right, and no plan survives contact with seawater.

This was our hail mary to get this going. There were only four of us and we basically went to the site to fail, nobody (except one young, optimistic dude) expected things to work out. In the beginning it looked like it wouldn't. We were supposed to set down a number of underwater pumps, plastic troughs, buyous and other hardware on the seabed without disturbing it, spaced evenly, with electricity - and shit just started falling apart like in all the previous tries. We were almost set to give up, had a couple of words with our teacher who managed to give that one last nudge. We did a complete overhaul for the pumps, containers, pretty much everything, loaded all the shit on the boats and started setting it up. Everything kept going frighteningly well this time around. In the end we had a few dozens of meters of rope stretched taut over a small bay which is our experiment site, there were extension cords dangling down from the ropes and going into the sea. Everything was set under the water and above it, but I still had a small pause when I was holding the plug and about to connect the electricity. When I did, I half expected an arc lightning and a few explosions in the bay, but... everything just worked. Better than in our original plan. The next day we took 40 initial samples, and even our self made sampling equipment and the method... just worked. The rush of pure feeling of accomplishment was surprising. This was some really difficult shit, and we got it done. Now we just need to hope that a freak storm won't rip down the rope and the cords...

For the record, this is how I look when I'm very very happy. On our way to take a second day's samples with a colleague.

/o\

Money and lard, money and lard... The "no pal debts" thing didn't last long, ironically because of work. I'm heading out to Comic-con so I need some padding on my credit card, and some clothes in which I'm borderline presentable. Like jeans that don't have holes in them. The buddy loan is budgeted, I know where and how and when I can pay it back, and I keep reminding myself that in spite of this step backwards, the trend is still up in the big picture. Still, my head is whistling the FAILBOAT theme.

I'm still fat. The weight hasn't changed in a month. Blargh.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354721#Comment_3547212013-07-08T03:05:11-05:002013-07-08T03:20:03-05:00chris ghttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1829
Meh?: Not sure what's been good lately. My mom has taken a trip out of the country to see family and handle her inheritance business. She may be out all month so sis and I have the house to ...
Aw, shit: Jeez, I'm already going 4 months without a job. If we're being honest I'm pretty sure I'm being a bit of a lazy fuck about it. But it's also not fucking easy. I don't know who I have to lie through my teeth to to get a damn job around here. It's fucking LA for fuck's sake. I'm really pissed at myself for turning 28 and being in this shitty rut. I could have sworn I had my shit together for a few years there. But then the places I worked at shut down and it was all so sudden, what can ya do, right? I hope I can scrape some confidence together because I'm dreaming more and more lately about having my shit together for ME and not my family so I can one day be able to move out and live on my own some-fucking-how. I don't know!Also still slowly trying to get over my mental problem/bout with obsession of the last few months. Kinda wish I could obsess over someone newer and better to get this shit out of my brain. It really did a number on me and I feel so unhealthy about it. Karma came and went for the person and my mind's still not at peace. Just need a job and to get out more and I'll be fine, I'm sure.I've also got to scrape together some trip money for Comic-Con in a couple of weeks. Other years were not such a financial hassle but now that I'm a brokeass fuck it looks like I will be feeling the pinch for wanting to go this year :\

You!:Bob: Glad you're checking in here, man <3 Hex, Dorkmuffin: Sorry to hear =[Robin: Hang in there! My bitchass panicked a little when the scale said 150. I've been steadily 145lbs the last few months but the running has made me hungrier days after.Generally glad everyone is hanging in there and keeping strong and checking in. We've all got varying levels of fucking SHIT to deal with but don't have to keep it inside.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354737#Comment_3547372013-07-08T13:00:44-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00oldhathttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75
Ah, what the hell. It's been ALMOST a week...
BOO:
- Weight still up. But see YAY for more on that.
- Been less sad and more "feeling numb and on the verge of hitting whoever looks at ...
BOO:

- Weight still up. But see YAY for more on that.

- Been less sad and more "feeling numb and on the verge of hitting whoever looks at me funny".

YAY:

- Going to the gym for the first time in nearly a year. I miss punching things and the owner is letting me train and figure out payment when I can (I'll be giving her beer anyways). Hopefully this will fix the two above problems. Now if I could just remember my locker combination...

- Feeling better since I made that announcement on facebook/twitter regarding the Wench stuff. It'll still be beer-related, but different and more of the rules of Calvinball. And glad that I finally said "You know, I know longer give a shit if I'm on your press list".

- Interview with TV person on Wednesday. The ladies beer organization I'm a part of got called up to meet with someone thinking of pitching a show. If all goes well I may be in a show.

- Have an idea for a photo set.

- Talked with an expert on Mesopotamian culture on the origins of beer at an exhibit at the Royal Ontario Museum. Interesting.

CLAP CLAP

@dork, talked to you off this, but I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Hang in there and keep the distractions up.@chris, We'll both get there. Glad to hear that you're getting something out of running. And man...I know about family being enablers for crap food. My dad does that a lot.@trini, hope things go well with your dad. This thing with the pastor sounds promising.

@ALL, thank you all for the wonderful support in me tending bar here. Means a lot. You're all stars.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354807#Comment_3548072013-07-10T00:48:21-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Dextrahttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=279
The Good:
Kind of having a hard time with good things right now. I have friends and family and a boyfriend that love me very much. I have a comfortable place to live. I'm not hungry. I'm sober ...
Kind of having a hard time with good things right now. I have friends and family and a boyfriend that love me very much. I have a comfortable place to live. I'm not hungry. I'm sober and not on the verge of self-destructing. These are all very good things. I cling to these things.

The Bad:

I seem to have developed some sort of weird brain fuckery. For the last few years, I've had little odd things - twitches, quirks you could say - that I couldn't really explain. I get headaches a lot. Sometimes they turn into really bad migraines. They've been getting increasingly worse over the last year. And the pain is bad, and the nausea is horrible, but it's the after effects that were really starting to worry me. Because they were getting worse and lasting longer and increasing in weirdness.

About 3 weeks ago, I had a really bad one. The pain was unbelievable. I can't even compare it to anything else. Except for maybe if my brain exploded and my skull remained intact. I was horribly ill. I'd say it lasted a good 12 hours, pain and puke wise. After the pain subsided and I slept, I woke up and had to deal with a new set of problems. I was extremely dizzy. Like gravity was on a mission to take me down. I was kind of numb around the edges. Like I'd been taking some heavy duty painkillers. Which I haven't. I'd only taken Excedrin.

What made me call the doctor was when I realized how much worse this was than usual. What made me just get in the car and go over was the fact that I couldn't make my mouth talk. I knew what I was trying to say, and I could type or write it down, but when I called the clinic, I stammered for a solid minute trying to ask if I could come in as a walk-in. The words just weren't coming out. Probably shouldn't have been driving, but I wasn't about to sit around waiting for hours for my roommate to get home.

Finally get to the clinic, regained most of my ability to talk, though I found myself stammering and mangling a word here and there. Doc did some tests there, ruled out any heart problems or stroke (which crossed my mind as a possibility). Took some blood, gave me some pills for the nausea and sent me for a CT scan. Which that was all on the 3rd, and being as the 4th was a holiday (whoo 'Murica), it pretty much meant a 4 day weekend.

Now I'm just waiting. I'm still waiting to find out when my doctor can see me because she wants me to come in to discuss the results of my tests. If everything was normal, they would have told me over the phone. So I'm in a state of limbo waiting to see what's doing this to my brain:

There are a couple of possibilities just due to family history, but realistically, it may be a long process of elimination to find out what's going on. Thankfully, the company I work for pays for short term and long term disability for its employees, so I'm not freaking out about money. For now. It only pays at 100% for a few weeks and then it gradually tapers off from there. I'd like to be working. Or at the very least, be able to pull in some commissions so that I'm not feeling like a fucking useless lump. But what's pissing me off is that it's affecting my ability to draw, too. I managed to do a rough sketch today that was ok, but it took me longer than usual, and my head was suffering for it after. Last few days though, not so good. At all.

What pisses me off is the irony of this happening now. I've spent the last four years since I moved to Colorado trying to better myself. After my fiance died in 2007, I went into a serious self destructive mode that lasted a couple of years. Less said about that the better, but when I finally decided to get my life back together, I was serious about it. I moved away from the bad influences, sobered up, started taking better care of myself, basically started my life over from square fucking one. It was hard. And I'm not nearly done. But hell, I quit smoking last year after 20 years of that. And now, I've got Hank, who is the most wonderful man on earth to me, and we're working on being together, even though it's going to take time.

So after all the hard work and doing better and getting life in order....this has to fucking happen. And I don't even know what "this" is yet! Hell, for all I know I'm going to go in there and get told "Well actually, it appears you don't have a brain in there anymore, it liquified and you shat it out your ear a while ago. You're running on a pair of C batteries, and the contacts have rusted." That would be a relief, actually. Whatever it is, I'm hoping it's something at least manageable. So that I can start behaving like a normal person. So I can leave the house without being afraid of having some weird episode while I'm out somewhere, or god forbid, while I'm driving.

So that's where I'm at. And sorry for the mile long ramble, but I'm frustrated as hell with it all. Been stuck at home for most of the last couple of weeks. Keeping a diary of all my symptoms, which aren't going away like they usually do after a day or two. Some days are better than others. But I'm getting antsy being alone at home most of the day, not knowing what's going to go weird next.

The Hugly:

@dorkmuffin - I am so, so sorry to hear about your friend. Losing someone you care for is the worst feeling in the world.@oldhat - High fives and hip bumps for the good stuff. Hugs for the shitty feelings. Please don't hit me. :)@chris g - Ruts are motherfuckers. But eventually you level out. Just gotta keep trudging along.@Vornaskotti - Friend debts are so...dirty, aren't they? Even when you know your friend knows you're good for it, you still feel like a bum. Eventually, you pay them back and it's all forgotten, so don't stress it too much. @Everyone else - I smother you with boobs of friendship and shit. I'm very tired now. Don't draw dicks on me while I'm sleeping.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354847#Comment_3548472013-07-10T10:48:37-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Alan Tysonhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1299
@Dextra: I've had migraines that have messed with my functioning a bit before, albeit never to the same extent you had. I know how scary that can be. Sincerely hoping it's nothing life-altering. ...
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354854#Comment_3548542013-07-10T12:48:19-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00chiasluthttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=936
Pro Column:
I'm on my third medication (Effexor, after Prozac and Wellbutrin) in my new journey to help me with anxiety and depression, and so far it seems to be the one with the most mild effects, ...
I'm on my third medication (Effexor, after Prozac and Wellbutrin) in my new journey to help me with anxiety and depression, and so far it seems to be the one with the most mild effects, good and bad. No show-stopper side effects and it seems to be taking the edge off the anxiety. Work is slow and often boring, but I'm getting paid to write to-do wiki articles, so ... cool.

Group Hug:@Dextra - Really hoping your physicians are able to help you out with the mysterious medical issue. It sounds really scary and frustrating.@dorkmuffin - I'm so sorry for your loss.@All Y'all - Endure and thrive. You guys are inspiring.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354933#Comment_3549332013-07-11T15:22:52-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00mister hexhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4411
@chiaslut - Bike thieves are horse thieves and regardless of your views on Capital Punishment, In the Old West, HORSE THIEVES
WERE HANGED FOR A VERY GOOD REASON. Ya steal a man's horse, ya might as ...
WERE HANGED FOR A VERY GOOD REASON. Ya steal a man's horse, ya might as well be a murderer.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354936#Comment_3549362013-07-11T15:38:01-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Greasemonkeyhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4625
Catching a bike thief in the act and giving him a good punching, is one of my fondest memories.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354964#Comment_3549642013-07-12T09:36:39-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00chiasluthttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=936
@hex & Greasemoneky - It turns out vivid, violent fantasies around catching bike thieves in the act is quite popular. Many people tell me about them when I mention my stolen bike. I have bloody ...
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354965#Comment_3549652013-07-12T09:37:57-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00oldhathttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75
I usually walk everywhere, but I guess I would have the same fantasies if I woke up in a motel bathtub with no legs.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354968#Comment_3549682013-07-12T10:40:09-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Mark Rhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=198
Jumping on with Mister Hex a bit...
As a rider, it's my thinking that there's a certain circle of hell reserved for horse thieves and bike thieves. May they all rot there for eternity.
As a rider, it's my thinking that there's a certain circle of hell reserved for horse thieves and bike thieves. May they all rot there for eternity.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354971#Comment_3549712013-07-12T12:02:56-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Greasemonkeyhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4625
I caught this lowlife just as he was wheeling my bike away from the back of the 7/11 where I'd parked it. Many punches ensued.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=354984#Comment_3549842013-07-12T16:03:16-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Bombus Hortorushttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2485
Beginning to see the light
I went to school with my four-year-old daughter today, for a "bring your dad to school" day. I had to get somebody else in the office to swap days off, which ...
Beginning to see the light

I went to school with my four-year-old daughter today, for a "bring your dad to school" day. I had to get somebody else in the office to swap days off, which they did, which is incredibly nice of them, and I'm extremely pleased I was able to go. Apparently, she was jumping up and down when they were calling the register, pointing out of the window, and saying "my dads' here". Which is very sweet. So yeah, I've been doing the proper parenting thing today. And some work in the garden, I've potted on my lupins, my penstemons, my little mini tomatoes. I've also cleared out one of the beds which had really gone overgrown. So that's pretty good. I also sorted out a proper wired ethernet connection in the study last week. This means I'm no longer having to argue with my partner about the positioning of the router, I've got a reliable, fast connection, and I've moved a spare wireless router down to the study as well, so I can use my phone, tablet over Wi-Fi, sodding hell I'm fully self-sufficient. So that's all pretty good, I think I'm making progress in a couple of areas, even recorded some guitar music last week, even though it was shit. But it's a start, at least I managed to get set up and hit the record button without the usual stupid mishaps (except the soundcard having literally fallen out of the PC, how the fuck?). I've got one more week of work, and then I'm off on holiday for two weeks. We're going to a chalet in Wales, which I'm really looking forward to. Mainly because it's right next to the beach.

Some people work very hard but still they never get it right

Money. My car's in the garage at the moment, there's been a persistent coolant leak for the last couple of years, which recently has got worse, to the point at which it is losing about a litre of fluid aweek. The garage told me that the head gasket is going, and water is running down the back of the engine block. To fix this properly, would cost about £700. That's completely untenable for a car of this age (it's 17 years old...), the alternative, which I'm trying, is just stick a bottle of radiator sealant in the engine, and hope that it does the trick long enough for me to be able to afford another car. But that's not likely to be soon, I've got the house insurance to pay, we've got to have a whole bunch of work done on our bathroom, hopefully by this time next week I'll have a shower again for the first time in well over two years. We also need new mattress, which again. I'm finally about to order because the current one is broken and is literally causing me to wake up in pain several times a night, which clearly isn't any good for my well-being. All of this means that affording food and bills and all of the other stuff is somewhat challenging. I know that I've got a hell of a lot of work to do to pull my finances into some sort of sensible shape. I don't have good self-control, I appear to have been granted insanely high credit limits on just about everything, as I've always had a spotless credit record, but I really need to break out of relying on that and get myself on a sound footing. Not exactly easy when I'm the breadwinner for six people. I don't know, I will get it sorted out, at least I've started to budget and track spending and planned spending, which is starting to make a difference as to how I think about things. It's just that I've never been very good at this kind of stuff and really would rather not think about it all. But hey, needs must.

And parenting - eldest is being more challenging than usual - REALLY damn rude and provocative, turning procrastination into an art form, and conspiring with the second-eldest to pick on the four year old. I know a lot of it is perfectly normal sibling behaviour, but I find the picking-on really upsetting, as they'll be cruel to her, or exclude her or con her out of something because she's too young to understand what she's agreeing to. And then she'll get upset and they'll hiss something vicious like 'run to your precious daddy then' at her... and then I'll get really cross with the pair of them, which I suspect is what they're trying to engineer. Which I don't want to have to keep doing. Just wish they'd be nicer to each other.

I have six weeks left of my thirties. I don't like that at all...

How does it feel to be loved?

@chiaslut - I hope your bicycle thieves live long but empty and unfulfilled lives, and further, wish that they become afflicted by a peculiar sexual dysfunction, that causes them, just prior to the moment of climax, to picture the person they're having sex with as Rush Limbaugh smeared in his own excrement.

Also, good luck with Effexor. It worked for me for a good while but just make sure your doctor reviews it - had some pretty grim side effects and withdrawal is, eh, interesting...

@Dextra - ouch. Hope you get some good answers on that.

@Flecky - takes a lot of strength to turn away from idiot bloke drunks. Good luck with the group too and kudos for Joy Division titles... @Trini - boo - yeah, can relate to all that. @Hex - sorry about your friend@vorn - WIRING THE SEA IS COOL]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=355010#Comment_3550102013-07-13T13:49:32-05:002013-07-13T13:50:18-05:00Flabyohttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1306
Slowly Improving
I've basically finished my first iOS game. I need to do a bunch of admin things, and then I can prep it for submission. It isn't something I expect to sell crazy numbers or ...
Slowly ImprovingI've basically finished my first iOS game. I need to do a bunch of admin things, and then I can prep it for submission. It isn't something I expect to sell crazy numbers or anything, it's really more of a 'prove that I can make a game from start to finish on my own' kind of project. It's turned out pretty good in the end, and I've learned a whole bunch of stuff.

I've also got a pretty decent idea for what I want to build next, and how to go about prototyping the core of it very quickly in order to tell if I'm on the right lines. Might even get that done ahead of the next meetup of the local indie game developers that we do once a month.

Mental ParalysisI am, however, suffering from some crippling self doubt about the whole thing. It's pretty silly, I know this is within my capabilities, I've kinda *shown* that it's within my capabilities. Yet I can't seem to convince myself that this is actually the case. I have real self-esteem issues when it comes to my work, part of the reason I got so aggressively defensive at times in previous jobs I guess.

The main stumbling block is I can't decide on a good name for my studio, and until I have that I can't do all the important stuff like getting a domain name, webspace, virtual office front etc... that I need in place to actually ship a finished title. My games are going to be simple little things, mostly at the puzzle or light action end of the spectrum, nothing massively complex or 'core'. I quite liked 'Misbehaviour Tree', but it's one of those words that would spell differently in different countries and I don't know if that's a good idea or not. Other possibles have been 'Strange Vale', 'Rocket Knife' and 'Brain Ink'.

I suck at naming things.

Also it's really nice weather here at the moment, but all my usual drinking buddies are either away on holidays with their kids, or nursing injuries which are keeping them housebound. Sat at home with some beers feeling depressed looking at photos of friends at BBQs on beaches on Facebook. Bah.

Around and AboutTo those suffering from the loss of friends, it does get a little easier with time. I'm still at an age where a friend dying is highly unusual and I'm not sure I coped that well with it last year when an old flatmate of mine died. It made me a little closer to some friends, and less close to a lot of others, as my 'link' to that circle of friends was gone. Not much consolation beyond 'I know that feel' I know, but it's there for what it's worth.

It does sound like a lot of you are getting down with the business of sorting shit out though, send me some of your positive vibes, I could do with some :)]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=355041#Comment_3550412013-07-14T09:05:53-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00razrangelhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2075
HUGS
Hex & Dork... There's never anything truly useful to say to someone who's lost someone in their tribe. Maybe some kinda funny to lift the spirits at least for a moment. But I'm not a ...
Hex & Dork... There's never anything truly useful to say to someone who's lost someone in their tribe. Maybe some kinda funny to lift the spirits at least for a moment. But I'm not a terribly funny person. But I'm glad you are in my tribe, however distantly. Take very good care of yourselves, ok?

GOOD THINGSI've pulled of cleaning maybe a fifth of the kitchen, but it's a huge part of the visible section and it makes walking into the kitchen that much nicer. It's been tough and unfun but it's an actual THING that I'm doing and letting cleanliness be its own reward is kinda ok.I've barely worn shoes all week. I don't like shoes.Mom got her stitches out, doctor and nurse were very excited to see how well she was healing. I'm excited too.I've read a couple of really cool plays. Art and especially theatre make me very happy. I'll be doing some theatre talking with my company today. Looking forward to it.With any luck I'll see PACIFIC RIM tonight. (*knocks wood*) I'll pretty much see anything Guillermo del Toro's name on it - and mecha versus kaiju? SO FUCKING THERE.Some weird, interesting conversations online. I barely leave the house any more so I mostly only talk with my family, which can easily become The Most Obnoxious Thing Possible. But there were exchanges with a director of the Internet-only drama THE BOOTH AT THE END, the guy behind LARPTrek, and whoever is at the other end of the Godchecker twitter. That last one was particularly weird because it has indirectly resulted in Catholics favoriting my tweets, other Catholics telling me just how wrong I am, atheists calling me names for having faith and other atheists favoriting my tweets for... oh well fuck I don't know anymore.But seriously, LARPTrek... I'm not funny but this side had me cackling late into the night. The holodecks are offline so to pass the time Geordi teaches his crewmates the ancient earth entertainment known as LARP. Hilarity ensues.

BAD THINGSKeeping up the momentum and desire to clean is flippin hard. I don't wanna. It's hard work, family people instantly do the work. Oh, on and on and all the complaints that mothers have had EVER about keeping house. ALL AT ONCE. I already didn't want to be a housekeeper or a mom and this is doing nothing but give me resolve.My feet hurt. Being on my feet for several hours without shoes is tough on fucked up feet like mine.Life is still a complete disaster and mostly suspended until I can get the kitchen back to a less chaotic state (clearing out all the shit in order to clean means relocating a lot to the dining room table which has meant a lot of dinners 'round the TV). So to get my life back I have to finish the kitchen. Please see above where I DON'T WANNA.Have not gotten back to the gym this month. Fuck I really wanted to get back on that thing. FUCK.Still have a huge desire to kick everyone out of the house for a day.Crazy brother is still crazy.Zimmerman decision. The fact that the trial had to come about at all... Goddammit.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=355173#Comment_3551732013-07-17T12:44:36-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Alastairhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=287
So. my life hit the fan. Those of you who are my friends on facebook/twitter We've been trying to keep this quiet. So keep it on here/PMs please
my extremely long term girlfriend and i parted ...
my extremely long term girlfriend and i parted company. 7 years over. and now.... well now. I'm moving to fucking Canada. that was what caused the split. me wanting to get away, her not. anyway. the paperwork is started. and this time next year i'll be in (probably. hopefully) Toronto. maybe Vancouver. depending on jobs...

anyway. thats my life right now.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=355181#Comment_3551812013-07-17T15:05:03-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00oldhathttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75
Ah fuck...I'm so sorry to hear that, Alastair...
If you end up coming to Toronto I'll buy you a pint.
If you end up coming to Toronto I'll buy you a pint.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=355191#Comment_3551912013-07-17T18:52:49-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Argoshttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=7792
:( 7 years, that's a rough one to end. I'm sorry ((hugs))
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=355208#Comment_3552082013-07-18T09:59:11-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Alastairhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=287
thanks guys. it'll be a long road but i'll get there
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=355233#Comment_3552332013-07-18T16:03:16-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00tapheadhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2284
Oh shit, hang in there. It's gonna be rough, but it'll get better. :/
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=355266#Comment_3552662013-07-20T00:51:59-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Vornaskottihttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6665
Alastair - well shit. Life will be feral for a while, but it'll find a new direction. :/
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=355277#Comment_3552772013-07-20T13:10:13-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00dnewlinghttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=10558
We've just had our third tremor in two days. That's getting a bit too often for my liking and I'm getting worried.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=355292#Comment_3552922013-07-20T20:36:32-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Alan Tysonhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1299
Damn, Alastair... I'm sorry to hear that. Here's genuinely hoping that the move will help you some - sometimes starting new can lessen the pain of an ending. Either way, good luck, man.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=355295#Comment_3552952013-07-21T00:19:15-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00dnewlinghttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=10558
The Boo: we just had our biggest quake yet - 6.5 on the Richter scale.
The Yay: It was deep, so we got off with minor damage.
The Yay: It was deep, so we got off with minor damage.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=355321#Comment_3553212013-07-21T21:51:18-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00razrangelhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2075
Where are you @dnewling? I haven't heard of any earthquakes other than in China in the last couple days. My personal observation - so not scientific, but still - is that earthquakes in some parts ...
Goodness o the week: niece hung out over the week. Lightens up the mood often enough.Progress in the kitchen cleaning project.Tiny but definite income that let me daydream for a few days. I may yet spring for a massage at the least.Theatre works - talking about a play, talking about a company-created project.The interview between Steve "Spike Speigel/Starscream/Duke/TOM/and a whole mess more" Blum and Crispin "Alucard/Holland/Red Arrow" Freeman was amazing all the way through, but in particular this final part was just excellent for me to hear.Created my very own Tumblr finally! Naturally it's long after everyone else made theirs and subsequently moved on from it as my former evil overlords bought it out. But now I have a place for my beloved drinky-time hobby.Took some of the tiny but definite income and bought some stuff I've been desiring - new exercise shorts, yummy foods to prep at home and wine. Not quite as exciting but necessary - and I'm terrifically relieved that I can do this without incurring more debt (I hope *knocks wood*) - the truck will finally get some needed maintenance & repairs.Turned in audition. The first one in a very long time. Deadlines are amazing. I don't think it was great (my audition) but the guy wrote back saying "nice work." Of course, he's just they collecting the auditions, someone else will review and cast based on them. *shrug* It's nice when people make the time. And the most important part of the exercise was just setting up my home "studio." I can see what will and won't be a problem and proceed with more info now.I did see PACIFIC RIM a week ago and it was FUCKING AMAZEBALLS AND YOU SHOULD ALL SEE IT AGAIN. I plan to see RED 2 on Tuesday with my brothers.Finally started watching FARSCAPE on the Hulu. Enjoying it muchly.

Ills of the week: Niece can be a terrific pain. She's going to be 11 in two months. She's launching headlong into attitude and full blown sensitivity. She can be a snot but GAH one word of sarcasm and she's in tears. I'm not good with kids for this very reason. Hell I'm not good with adults when I see this "I flubbed everything but if you don't tell me I did a good job I'm going to cry..." coming at me. I tend to get even more coldhearted at that point. }:/OB. So sick of him I'm sick of complaining about him. There are societies that said that the mentally ill were touched by the gods... Buh? How does that work? Because he's just obnoxious as shit. Your friend singing the Tim Leary song "I'm an asshole?" He doesn't know. Oh man, trust me, he does not know what it truly takes to be an asshole. (and it's better that way, I'll concede)Took a gander at hotel rates in a few different cities, at airfare rates, resort packages, wine country tours, spa packages... I can't afford shit. And it made me really bummed out to realize that I haven't really traveled for fun at least four years. Once that thought made itself known wanderlust bit hard and deep. My skin almost feels like it's pressing in on me as I try my best not resent waking up in the same house, in the same corner of the world every fucking day.The kitchen still isn't fucking done and there is SO MUCH else that needs attention.I am getting fully sick of making dinner for the family. I just actively don't want to. Bleh. Dad is being a complete prat. He's such a self-righteous git sometimes and his crankiness is turned up to 1000 these days. He completely mean to my mom, not really able to take care of himself but doing what he can to "live his own life" while maintaining his crankiness if dinner isn't on time, we don't read his mind and attend him right when he wants in the way that he wants.... Ugh.I am really terrified to weigh myself. I haven't been to the gym in two months.

Gotta go... @Alastair, hang in there. That's a painful situation, for sure. But at least you know what's what and there is no guess work necessary. Take good care of yourself - and hell, treat yourself some ok? You don't have to explain yourself to anyone for a little while.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=355432#Comment_3554322013-07-24T00:03:47-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00dnewlinghttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=10558
@Razrangel. The quake was near Wellington, New Zealand; 6.5 and equivalent to 100 Hiroshima bombs. We were so lucky it was deep and not under the city, otherwise we'd be in a disaster zone and it ...
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=355492#Comment_3554922013-07-24T19:16:04-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00rickiep00hhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2930
Where the fuck am I? Who are all you people?
In parts because fuck you I've been gone for like two years.
Firsties, the Worsties:
- I've been bad. I haven't been keeping up 'round here. Oh, ...
In parts because fuck you I've been gone for like two years.

Firsties, the Worsties:

- I've been bad. I haven't been keeping up 'round here. Oh, sure, I see some of you sexy folk on the Facebooks or the Twitters or the Tumblr (the latter of which I've grown entirely too fond of), but there's so many new people--and so many of the old regulars have shuffled on to "real life" or whatever--that I've been loathe to come visit much. But, here I am, now, and I'm looking to make up for lost time.

- A ton of my friends are having family/relationship issues, and it's really painful for them and difficult for me because I feel so lost when I try to help them. I generally listen as well as I can, but the two most prominent examples are hundreds of miles away, so contact with them is not only sporadic but also mostly text-based. Talking about divorce and/or insane step parents and/or depression and all that over the internet makes me feel so ineffectual, even though my sympathies and empathy is heartfelt. And now I feel bad for making this one about me. Whatever.

- My own depression has been a pretty odd adventure. I'm on Venlafaxine--the generic of Effexor--and it does pretty well so long as I take it exactly on time. If I don't, I get brain zaps and mood swings and tremors and I do and say stupid shit like telling my wife straight to her face that I'm a burden and dead weight and I should probably just die. Needless to say, that doesn't really fly well. So then she gets all anxious and it affects her life and it's all one swirling ball of shit. But I'ma keep taking my pills because it keeps me from wanting to die every ten minutes.

- I've spent a lot of time over the past year or two just... fucking... loathing the world. And this is beyond the typical "the world sucks none of it matters just kill everyone and be done with it" shit that I went through with depression. This is so much more disciplined. I've become much more liberal as I've aged and my daughter has grown, and now I'm just so fucking angry at the US's inability to do anything sane on a state or federal level that I'm considering dropping out of school and just moving to an iceberg in the North Atlantic. Failing that, I'm going to graduate and we're going to look into moving to some part of Europe that hasn't yet started the slow drag to the bottom that the US is taking. I see the shit that we're doing to our own people (not to MENTION what we're doing around the world) and I just... I can't even comprehend how people have failed their own species so badly.

- This one sort of straddles the good/bad fence (heh), but I've recently decided to be more open about my sexuality. I've realized for a long time (since I was 18 at least) that I'm bisexual, but I didn't really come out to anyone til I was about 22 or 23, and I still don't typically lead a conversation with it. But, I still haven't told my parents, and I'm getting to the point that I feel like expressing myself outwardly a bit more, and moving to a more neutral gender space to follow my orientation... maybe even more feminine. The difficulty is that I clearly won't be able to keep a lid on it if I'm around my parents much. And I admit that as a 31-year-old adult, I can live my own life and all that, but I still love my parents. I mean, sure my dad's a raving bigot with more guns than he can possibly use and my mom's a fundamentalist with medicated anxiety issues, but they can't be that bad, can they? (They can.) In any case, I feel like I'll be alienating so many people from back home just by cutting my hair different and wearing more girly clothes. It's creating a lot of stress where there probably shouldn't be, but I still feel like it's something I need to do just to stop lying to myself. (The body image issues that are beginning to tie into this are a post entirely their own. I don't know if I'll extrapolate that here. Maybe in a few weeks.)

- Late last year/early this year as a part of the Fuck the College Student agenda, the gov't capped the Pell Grant system behind some esoteric equation I don't understand beyond it having something to do with your Expected Family Contribution. Therefore, after this semester, I am out of Pell Grant money. I'm creeping up on the Stafford Loan undergrad limit. Since we only have one car, I don't have a job (the wife is the breadwinner, I'm the homemaker.) Shit in that area is going to get tight in a real hurry, and I still have four semesters left. Giant pain in the ass.

- I came home after a 10-day vacation to discover my computer no longer turned on. One new motherboard later, it does, but I'm slowly piecing together my workstation, and it ain't fun. Using the same computer for Adobe shit, Pro Tools, AutoCAD, Office, AND all my videogaming sort of sucks when it comes time to reinstall. First world problems, but dammit, my summer vaction time is important to me.

Secondlies, the Something Positive that Rhymes with Secondlies:

- Beyond the withdrawal symptoms, my depression meds and therapy are working FUCKING WONDERS. The meds stop the morbidity, so I can actually work through problems. The biggest downside to that is learning how to cope with having emotions after fifteen years of undiagnosed depression. It's like trying to catch up after fifteen years of being in a jar filled with your own piss; everything still reeks and has this tinge of yellow, but at least you're not in a fucking jar anymore. And I still have to fight with motivation sometimes, but it's better than never getting out of bed (or out of my chair, in the event that I drug myself out of bed.)

So yeah, folks that think you're depressed? Getting worse? If you have the means, get checked out. At least go in and talk to someone trained to deal with the shit that's shooting around in your head. We're not supposed to go through it alone.

- This is going to sound really superficial, but I now have almost enough guitars. Between the wife and I we have five electrics, an acoustic, and a four-string bass, so I can leave the electrics in pretty much one tuning and never have to worry about moving more than one knob each. Plus, they're all significantly different body styles, so we have just about every tone we can think of covered. I don't know why this means so much to me, considering I don't have a band and I'm hardly even writing music anymore, but it does. If I had a bucket list, "owning all the guitars" would definitely be on it, and I'm really close to being able to check that one off.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=355493#Comment_3554932013-07-24T19:16:18-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00rickiep00hhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2930
- I'm writing. Like, I'm legitimately writing, revising, and submitting work. Only one (non-paying) publishing credit so far, but the poetry world kinda blows for getting money. AND I'm taking ...
- I'm coming up on a year and a half of vegetarianism, and it's awesome. I feel great, food is good, and cleanup is a breeze. I've cheated now and then and almost every time I've regretted it thanks to the backlash from my digestive tract. I keep meaning to take the next step and go dietary vegan, but goddammit cheese is too fucking good. (Also milk and eggs are in just about everything.)

- I bought a bike. A nice bike. Not a glorious bike, but the nicest bike I've ever owned. I'm planning on commuting to campus with it, which is about 5.5 miles one way. I'm increasing my time a bit, and I should be good to go by the end of August, when school starts. I still have no idea what I'm going to do when snow flies, though. But I've lost almost ten pounds since I've started riding, and it's hard to argue with that.

- Since deciding to come out more publicly, I feel a lot less strained. Even though I know that in actual productive conversation orientation rarely comes up, it's so good to not be terrified of hiding it, worrying about what happens if for some reason it does (Which, of course, lends itself to the negative aspect of it above.) It still feels awkward, though, being relatively new to the LBGTQ world as a whole. Eventually I'll get on my feet, though. Figuring out where to take my wardrobe and style is going to be a little taxing, though. Eh. I'll get there.

- Overall, life is pretty fucking good. I mean, all that stuff up top blows, but at the end of the day, my wife and daughter rule, I have just about everything I need, and I have very few wants left. I have a lot of stuff to be thankful for, and I'm really happy for the first time in a long, long fucking time.

Thirdsies, Some Wordsies (For People What Need Some Wordsies):

First, anyone feeling depressed--do whatever you can can to get help. I know I said it before, but it's so so important. Even if you don't think you'll go through with suicide? Talk to someone. See what's available. There's other ways, and chances are real good that you mean a whole lot to someone. Just because you can't see a reason to live now doesn't mean there isn't. Yeah, general platitudes, but as someone who's been there and been lucky enough to get through it, you just gotta keep on trying. It's hard, but it's better.

Second, Robin--You'll pull through. You always do, because you're you. Ain't no one gonna mess with a tall woman with an ax and boxing training. Not even god hisself. Besides, who would hand out the genital-mutilating animals with you pacing around, hurling empty beer bottles at everything that moves and muttering things about hops steeped in unicorn blood?

Third, the old guard regulars--Hey. I still keep up with most of you through various media, even if I don't say much. Once I get my civilian drone network up and running, I'm sure we'll have lots more contact.

Fourth (and finally), new folks I haven't met--Hi! I'm rickiep00h. Clearly. I'll try to be less of a rat bastard than I was when Warren was around. I realize that doesn't mean much to you, but I assure you, it does.

OH! Si! I STILL HAVEN'T FINISHED YOUR FUCKING WEBCOMIC. It better be good all the way through. I got my eye on you, you shifty bastard. (I have read your Badlands run, and it was a lot better than some of the other Badlands stuff has been. If that's anything to go by, WYWH ought to be a fun little romp. We shall see.)

Picture... picture... OH!

Me as of this morning, freshly shaved and seeing what I can do with my mop of a haircut until I can figure out what to ACTUALLY do with it.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=355495#Comment_3554952013-07-24T19:40:51-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Rootfireemberhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1551
The Bad
-Speaking of Insane Step Parents...I think that says it all. The shrinks are stopping singing look on the bright side of life, and I kinda wish Warren would mysteriously appear and just do ...
-Speaking of Insane Step Parents...I think that says it all. The shrinks are stopping singing look on the bright side of life, and I kinda wish Warren would mysteriously appear and just do his gruff old man thing and get my stepdad to shape up and be human again. Fuck you, ASSHOLE MAN, TO THE EEL PIT, or BEHAVE and be decent to your family! RAWER. Sometimes it doesn't seem real. Sometimes when I think about stuff or talk to mom or group it feels too real and I want to curl up and cry. Its like living in a house made of glass shards, and knowing that underneath your feet is a time bomb. I don't know how things will go.

The Good=Just being able to spill my guts to folks does help. Makes me feel more stable, less stuck in the middle of nowhere at the center of a chaotic whirlwind. I've also made friends with a girl in my therapy group, and my second job is doing well, and FUN, and I'm learning more and more about programing and computery stuff. Like, as horrible as hometime is, being at job #2 is just ....awesome. Even if I have to wake up at stupid in the morning to do it.

Applesauce@Rickie - It might just seem like facebook or text or whatever. But sometimes just knowing someone's listening to you and not (I hope) staring at you googly eyed and such and being rational and normal helps. It might not seem like logical help, but it helps anyhow. @dnewling- Glad you survived the quake. I always worry when people I know go through quakes; havung never experienced them my thoughts are probably a bit off the wall. Ehugs and such.

@Folksies with Depression-Get help if you can. If CBT doesn't work, -it doesn't do crap for me- try other therapies. DBT's helped me and is worth a look, at least. If your therapist or counselor is a ass, find a new one. There are good people who want to help, and a lot of it is finding the right people who jive with you, and can understand your style of thinking and behavior and what'll work for you. Try to remember that it is okay to take time and do things for yourself, too, and to give yourself a break.

@Everyone -I try to sneak online to chat when I can. Miss you all and enjoy seeing you folks around even if I can't always stay a lot. I like knowing you folks are 'there', wherever there is. I enjoy reading about your lives, good and bad, and knowing that you guys really are out there and awesomely brave, creative folks. I really wouldn't be here without you guys, so many times over.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=355496#Comment_3554962013-07-24T19:49:31-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Argoshttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=7792
Not going into detail because I'm bit too tired too, but needless to say - I'm loving my new job, but I hate my coworkers. Today's lunch break involved reminiscing about frat parties, followed by ...
@rickie - good to see you back!! Good luck with all the sexuality stuff. I still can't come out to my parents about being pansexual, and I've tried. But I've got enough friends where I can express all that with and be all LGBTQ goodness with, and that helps. It also really helps that my husband is really supportive of me when I'm feeling more boyish and genderqueer.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=355638#Comment_3556382013-07-28T00:10:51-05:002013-07-28T03:47:38-05:00dnewlinghttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=10558
Aftershocks continue, but no more earthquakes right now, thank goodness.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=355651#Comment_3556512013-07-28T10:49:49-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Alastairhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=287
welp. not getting into Canada any time soon.
so... kinda adrift and a little shellshocked.
so... kinda adrift and a little shellshocked.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=355653#Comment_3556532013-07-28T14:23:47-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00hankhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=79
The Torrential Downpour
My sleep and exercise schedule is still fucked, not sure how long it will take to fix it. The Neurologist keeps trying to put me on shit that has side effects like ...
My sleep and exercise schedule is still fucked, not sure how long it will take to fix it. The Neurologist keeps trying to put me on shit that has side effects like uncontrollable anger, suicide risks or increases depression. Not ideal. I'm 1500 miles from Dex and I miss the fuck out of her.I need to go to Michigan in August and burn 2 days of leave to do so. Harumph.

The gentle summer rainThe malaise is lifting, this might be the return to normal that I needed.I am writing like a mad man, mostly political and civic opinion oriented stuff, as I don't seem to have the ken for fiction. Doing it on Tumblr, which is probably the wrong medium for it, but I like the interface.I see Dex in a little over a month.I may have found a place in Michigan I can afford and my budget looks livable, if I can kill off the CC Debt from being sick.My kid will be with me 50% of the time once I am there and it will be a big help to both of us.

The tide that lifts all ships

@Raz, income is good, it helps with acquiring more, even if it seems insignificant. Keep at it.@rickie, I'm glad you are able to be out and finding it more comfortable. Being oneself always helps life be a little less fuckish.@my fellow depressed folks, hang in there, get the help you need, whatever you need.@robin, Your tenacity and courage are inspiring. Keep at it, woman.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=355668#Comment_3556682013-07-29T00:32:09-05:002013-08-05T22:29:16-05:00Vornaskottihttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6665
\o/
Got the Adventure Girl back from her travels up north in her native habitat. She left a few days early, and the end of the last week has been typically fun. We've done geocaching and found new ...
\o/

Got the Adventure Girl back from her travels up north in her native habitat. She left a few days early, and the end of the last week has been typically fun. We've done geocaching and found new awesome areas of Helsinki, gone to a techno club and had an awesome time there, spent the hangover day browsing pet stores and planning our aquarium, going on an outdoors gig picnic and doing some fishing and proof of concept perch fillets for sushi; petted wild baby rabbits, gone rock climbing where I again pushed the limits of the fear of heights a bit further by rappelling down vertical walls (and having to actually come down to rescue AG who'se rope got pinched in a crack on the rock wall and she got stuck in middle of the wall), seen some hot air balloons launch from the field literally right next to my house, and so on. I'm still marvelling on my luck of finding such a perfect match for a gf. When we are together, I forget all the shit with finances and timetables, and we'll just head for some adventure or geekery. Makes the Mondays feel good.

We also had an awesome recording session with Viihteen uusi aalto. The Fucking Novel is a bit behind the schedule because some of the proofreaders were on holiday or moving houses, but it's still on track. I'll get the fucker out of my hands by the end of August. My mind is still reeling on the thought of that.

/o\

The same-old same-old with the weight and the money, and a little bit about schedules. There's one period of dive school in August, three gigs from Älymystö, two of which are abroad, and finishing the novel. Also should manage to fit the day job there. Unless everything works like clockwork, this is somewhat suboptimal, although all of these are very fun and positive things.

I went through my finances from the last three years with a tight comb, and it was a rather painful journey through anger, annoyance and frustration to sort of relief and a feeling of freedom. Sort of like the emotional soundtrack of those years in fast forward. I could really see where shit went haywire, but it's hindsight 20-20 speaking. A shit-ton of "if onlys", which I need to remember are quite useless. If I hadn't been feeling totally burnt out and stressed to my limits, I wouldn't need to live on noodles now, imagine that - also, if "ifs" and "buts" were candy and nuts, and all that shit. I think what I brought out of that was some more sense of closure with all that's been happening in the last few years, and seeing in clear cut numbers how much better everything has been since the turn of this year.

@rickiep00h and hank: Congrats on the writing! And rickie, about the vegetarism - I know, right! I never expected any sort of change in how I feel to come out of that change, but year and a change later colour me surprised.

@Flabyo: Awesomeness with the game project! :)

And everybody dealing with bike thefts, yeah - we were once again talking up here what a fucking low-life thing stealing a goddamn bike is. Double especially if it's a sort of lo-fi bike, where you'll just know it may be the only mode of transport the person has, and they probably have no insurance for it either. That's just utterly douchebaggy, considering the paltry sum you'll get from such a bike.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=355694#Comment_3556942013-07-29T13:43:26-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00dnewlinghttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=10558
Mystery.
I am finding that the Little Blue Boys thread seems to vanish when I load the Whitechapel page. Then it appears again. And now it has disappeared again. Has anybody else experienced this ...
I am finding that the Little Blue Boys thread seems to vanish when I load the Whitechapel page. Then it appears again. And now it has disappeared again. Has anybody else experienced this problem?]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=355728#Comment_3557282013-07-30T07:50:42-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00allanahttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4019
The good:
My job ends in two days! Then I'm off to the music festival thingie I work every year. Then I get to hang out with my mom. Then I get to hang out in Toronto.
The bad:
My job is ...
My job ends in two days! Then I'm off to the music festival thingie I work every year. Then I get to hang out with my mom. Then I get to hang out in Toronto.

The bad:

My job is (was!) killing me. Friday was a huge row that actually involved my boss trying to withhold my pay. TLDR: Old senile people are a problem to work with.My bike broke on the way home Friday, third time. This time in the middle of an intersection, in rush hour. My pedals were suddenly only 90* away from each other. The brakes worked though! So this third visit to the bike shop was free, and came with their gravest apologies. Didn't stop me from being pissed off though.Then Sunday night the boy sliced off a chunk of his thumb while making me nachos. He's not so good at heavy bleeding, turns out. Decided to head to the ER last night to see if they could cauterize it, rather than my shoddy bandage-and-pray method. Nine hours later .... nothing. Nine fucking hours in an ER for a fresh bandage and some French laissez-faire advice. I guess the tetanus shot was probably worth it. But I'm still pissed. And the huge scary $1000 out-of-province/what-if-Ontario-doesn't-pay-for-this bill looming over our heads also isn't cool. Also he's off work for a few days which won't improve his mood any, and being bored in this city is already #1 on the list of shit-that-sucks. Me taking off for a week will only make it worse. Trying to finagle him to come with me; depends on how his meeting with his boss goes today. Guh.

The you:

Alastair, what's up? We couldn't possibly have looser immigration laws. What are you, a convict?rickiepooh, welcome back!]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=355733#Comment_3557332013-07-30T10:05:36-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00oldhathttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75
BAH:
- Weight still...weird.
- Catching up with work is killing me a bit. Still have a wedding to edit and an article to file.
- My gmail has been fucking up like crazy the past few months. ...
- Weight still...weird.

- Catching up with work is killing me a bit. Still have a wedding to edit and an article to file.

- My gmail has been fucking up like crazy the past few months. Some e-mails not even being sent. Anyone else having this problem?

YAY:

- Soul-sucking depression hasn't been hitting me as hard!

- In the middle of a 2 day photoshoot. We shot in the clubhouse of a biker gang and despite the client looking rigid and posed in a LOT of shots, I have some really good ones that can be used. I sent a first wave of photos from yesterday out and got a lot of "You're incredibly talented" and "you captured him perfectly" statements. So...I'm happy.

- Finally got the album I did photography for from client. Looks awesome! One shot in particular I'm glad they used!

- Was on my first panel in a beer festival! It went very well and apparently I know how to work a crowd. Managed to get a lot of cheers, laughs and claps and was told that the other panelists. Enjoyed it a lot!

- Have been invited to speak on a panel about Women in the Beer industry this Friday at London, ON for a beer fest. To the point where they're actually paying for my train fare, putting me up for the night and giving me tickets to the fest. First time I've been sent in for something of this sort, so I'm really looking forward to it!

- A half hour before I have to leave the house and go out on the shoot. Screwing around on the internet, sipping coffee and listening to KMFA (my favourite classical station ever).

WHOOOOOOO YEAH:

- Rickie WELCOME BACK! Best of luck with the sexuality stuff. I wish I could offer some advice, but having family in the entertainment industry, they were pretty blasé about me being bi. BUT! A a good and wonderful circle of support is always amazing. And as far as vegetarianism goes...yeah! It's a lot of fun. I'm an omnivore who primarily eats vegan for no other reason than I love it.

- dnewling, don't know, mate. Sorry.

- Allana, hope the boy is able to come back to Ontario with you!

- Everyone, you're all wonderful. Thank you so much for the support. Really.

And here's a pic of me with the homebrewing 101 panel on Sunday.

]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=355745#Comment_3557452013-07-30T13:17:55-05:002013-07-30T13:59:57-05:00dnewlinghttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=10558
@ Oldhat: no gmail problem so far, but I've been plagued by extremely slow Internet links. Apparently there's been a huge cyberattack on Spamhaus that has clogged the Internet.
Update: it's in the ...
Update: it's in the morning paper that there is a new gmail inbox that has been causing problems and takes some getting used to.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=355875#Comment_3558752013-08-02T22:48:01-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00dnewlinghttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=10558
Whoopee - my Internet is working properly again! It had too much malware on it.
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=355920#Comment_3559202013-08-04T17:26:57-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00razrangelhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2075
Damn. I'm watching everything fall apart in real time. It's so immediate I'm having trouble keep track of time. july ended and August rolled through a couple days before I even ...
@dnewling no real quaking for us here. Small things here and there, hard to distinguish from the house settling or heavy truck rumbling by. I'm slightly relieved but if there's another major shaker in the world I'll be back to nervous. *sigh*

BADBrother is still around, still being a ginormous asshole. And I'm still fighting with myself between shunning him and encouraging him eat a bowl of dicks (silently because we live with my parents and they're far too young to hear language like that), and trying to just keep calm and contain the schizo tendencies (as if such a thing is possible) in an effort to keep him from suffering even more. Because even when he's quiet and still for just a moment he realizes just how shit his life really is. The schizophrenia, delusions and paranoia keep him removed from being a 35 guy with no prospects for work, education, relationship or even being trusted by another person. That's a sucky, painful life that I would never wish on anyone. Except for a right asshole. *sigh*

Dad is sick. Again. Nothing unusual but the normal flare up of gout-arthritis. His joints swell, he can't move an inch without screaming in pain. Eating is difficult. Sitting becomes painful, walking is excruciating.... And he throws tantrums because who can hold on to their temper when every fucking thing hurts? But these tantrums have become brutal to everyone else. I have zero patience for them and then he gets mad at me for getting mad at him. And he pushes away my mom who has nothing but kindness and patience for him... so now the last person willing to sit with him through all the bullshit just doesn't want to any more. She sends me or my baby brother to talk to him to find out what he wants. But... he a) relates to us like a parent and therefore doesn't want us kids trying to take care of him and b) sees our inquiries to his state as what he "wants" instead of what he _needs_ which in no way helps get him the proper medical help. But it does help get him chocolate ice cream. GAH. So yeah, he acts like a five year old, but we're not allowed to discipline him like a five year old.

I still haven't been to the gym, really. I went one day at the end of July and haven't made it back. Clearly I have to just buck up and go every flippin day until I don't have to force it anymore. Tied in there somewhere is my girl bits that [censored: TMI] but, also [censored: TMI] and so I'll have to buck and see a doctor just to be told oh well too bad that's just how it goes sometimes. Argh. I don't even want to weigh myself. And I just can't stop day dreaming of what it would be like and how lovely it would be to be fit and healthy and be able to pull on my old clothes and go be fancy in pretty dresses and... *siiigh*

Yeah, the overwhelming portion of my life is a disaster. My professional side is more or less no existent, which is impressive since that's how I would have called it a few months ago but now it really is pathetic. And I keep thinking to myself how other people scrape together ambition and don't let things stop them and how the fuck am I ever going to call myself in that number when I spend all of my time recumbent in my bed poking at various distractions and grumbling about my family. I freaking HATE living here but if I don't get my shit together all I will be able to say for myself will never be distinguishable from the sturm und drang of your typical teenager, who at least has the excuse of child labor laws and curfews. Blah. I suck.

UPSIDESI got to take my dear friend out to dinner at a fancy schmancy place and we had fancy cheeses and schmancy wines and some pretty awesome food in between. I miss getting to do that. I probably won't again for ages to come. I just wanted one completely irresponsible evening for a change. I've limited myself to being moderately irresponsible which is moderately dispiriting and only moderately freeing....

I've started watching MISFITS on Hulu and holy hell it is awesome!! Damned well written and performed! TV of this calibre is very, VERY rare.

Laudits:Allana - yay for vacation! Travel safe and enjoy! And goodbye to stupid killing jobs!Rickie - Good to see you back. Sucks to watch friends and loved ones struggle and hurt. Seems like we should be able to help but really the major thing that seems to do the most is just listening and maybe offering a pint to soak up their woes.Argos - sorry about the shitheads you have to work with. I'm never sure which is better, a great job or great coworkers. Having cool people around me with the same attitude toward the shit job we had with the shit company made staying there much, much easier to bear. Concentrate on the gig and indoctrinate newbs on the essential necessity of not being a dickhead?Alastair: Hang in there man. Breathe and grab every moment with both hands. Something good will crack loose eventually.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=355961#Comment_3559612013-08-05T17:27:18-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00hankhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=79
Malo:
I'm pretty sure I have been radicalized in the last two months. I no longer have faith in my government nor anyone at the Federal level. I just broke off a ten year relationship with a ...
I'm pretty sure I have been radicalized in the last two months. I no longer have faith in my government nor anyone at the Federal level. I just broke off a ten year relationship with a very dear friend because they work for the DEA and don't want to complicate their life. I want recall elections for the entire US government. It kills me to feel this way.

I'm at low ebb about most of the relationships in my life.

Bien:

I have been writing. Yeah mostly political screeds, but writing. 300 words a day minimum, six days a week.

I'm on track to have my move to Michigan sorted by November. A good thing, as I think DC has finally eaten into my brain.

Mas y Minos

I guess one more voice cannot hurt in calling the government out on the bullshit.

@everyone: Thanks for being here and keeping WC running. It's changed since W left, but I think you guys are doing the concept proud.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=356265#Comment_3562652013-08-09T15:19:07-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00dorkmuffinhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6719
FUCK RIGHT THE FUCK OFF, FUCKING FUCK
In two weeks I get braces. I got the estimates for it today. Hoooooly shit ow. At least my dental insurance covers some of it and my job pays okay and they ...
In two weeks I get braces. I got the estimates for it today. Hoooooly shit ow. At least my dental insurance covers some of it and my job pays okay and they have a payment plan. But fuuuuuuuck.

On the one hand, fuck aesthetics, okay so my teeth got crooked, fine. That's not what I care about. What I care about is that in the span of three years, this happened:

On the left, summer 2009. On the right, summer 2012. That is me biting ALL THE WAY DOWN AS FAR AS I CAN on the right. That is me casually smiling on the left. Notice that on the left my teeth overlap. Notice that on the right HOLY CRAP ONLY MY BACK MOLARS EVEN BOTHER TO TOUCH. THAT IS ME BITING DOWN ALL THE WAY. Three years.

That happened over the course of three years. Three. I started lisping. I can't bite things in half. I got my previously perfect wisdom teeth out so that when I get braces I am in them for less time. The gap closed significantly (though not all the way) as a result, but given how quickly shit went south, GUH.

Uh. Cool potential stuff happening for the fellow? Friend called me pretty totally unprompted? I can DRINK now, so I will be making boozy milkshakes whenever I have to get a wire changed on my braces?

THE HUGZ

Normal sympathies for everyone who's dealing with bad shit, but you know what, EXTRA AWESOME HIGH FIVES for the cool shit that's happening for people too. I know people usually reserve this space for e-hugging the people who are sorting through annoying bullshit in their lives, but let's take a moment to appreciate that y'all are some damn fine folks and a few of you are getting the recognition you so MASSIVELY deserve.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=356282#Comment_3562822013-08-09T19:13:38-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00allanahttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4019
Caroline! You're pretty every day. I think we all just take that as a given.
every day. I think we all just take that as a given.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=356531#Comment_3565312013-08-12T22:45:39-05:002013-08-12T23:18:06-05:00oldhathttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75
May as well write this while I'm still pretty wide awake....
BAD:
- I guess I was overdue for a client like this, but found out that some poster photography for an event I did a few months back ...
BAD:

- I guess I was overdue for a client like this, but found out that some poster photography for an event I did a few months back has been scrapped...for a stock photo the organizer found on google image search. On one hand, it bugs me and I hate feeling like I did something wrong or my work wasn't up to snuff, but on the other hand...it was a job, I got paid. Plus *I* like the photos, and since I didn't sign anything saying I couldn't showcase them on my site, I'll do just that. And I get to add a person to the "don't accept work from" list, which was getting kind of lonely.

- Wrote a guest post for a blog about a time when my brother was still alive. It was a good story that I remember fondly, but thinking of him always makes me miss him.

- Always tired. I think it has something to do with all the exercise I do, but am not sure. Most days lately I am physically exhausted.

- Stomach acting up again. The two waves of tests were inconclusive, so I guess I'll be back at them. WHEEEEEEEEE.

- Feeling like I'm getting more writing done when I'm on the move. I sat down and wrote more on a 2.5 hour train ride than I have in weeks. Huh. Weird to think about. Ah well.

- Did another beer fest panel which went great and...damn, I felt like an actual celebrity. It was just wonderful!

- I'm getting more photo work, so that's good.

- The hops are growing wonderfully.

- My cat, who is an incredibly spoiled and grumpy old man to everyone but me (where he's an adorable big kitten who is happy to be around me) is pretty awesome for cuddles. Nice to have that.

- SpiralTwist from here, bought me a book on woman fighters in the civil war! Incredible book so far!

ALLO@dorkmuffin, yeah, time to face facts, gorgeous.

@hank, Hope you like Michigan.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=356573#Comment_3565732013-08-13T15:20:46-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00allanahttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4019
I was gonna ask how the hops were doing. A friend in Kingston is trying it out as well. I desperately want to taste all resulting beers.
Good:
Unemployment, more like funemployment. Planning all ...
Good:Unemployment, more like funemployment. Planning all sorts of crazy shit for the upcoming school year. Academia! It's a thing I give a shit about!

Bad:Oh man am I poor.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=356623#Comment_3566232013-08-14T07:17:36-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Fauxhammerhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=27
Good:
-Booked my trip to New York in September. Got my drinkin' shoes all polished up nice.
-Switched from tobacco to e-cigs, haven't looked back. Cigarettes taste nasty now, which I didn't think ...
-Booked my trip to New York in September. Got my drinkin' shoes all polished up nice.-Switched from tobacco to e-cigs, haven't looked back. Cigarettes taste nasty now, which I didn't think was possible.-Went to a tarot class, cleansing the doors of perception.-Forty thousand words into the novel, which is roughly halfway as I figure it.-Weight holding steady at 225, down from 275.

Not so hot:-Have to go back to court on that speeding ticket; expecting another panic attack at being around all those cops-I've been flaking at work to the point I've had to block Facebook because of Bejeweled Blitz.

Errbody:

You're all goddamn stars, never forget it.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=356853#Comment_3568532013-08-18T16:34:46-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00icelandbobhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=5250
Hi there everyone!
Let's keep this short and mercifully brief....
THE BAD
- Still having some rather dark days that I've gone into in the past. they haven't been as frequent as before, but ...
Let's keep this short and mercifully brief....

THE BAD - Still having some rather dark days that I've gone into in the past. they haven't been as frequent as before, but I'm still having issues around depression/self worth. Ended up spending most of this week in bed. Not good - Absolutely fucking skint. The unpaid taxes from my freelancing writing work have now kicked in big time. Then my work screwed me over so I only had half my wages for August that I normally get. right now am reducing to living like the worst kind of impoverished student, which was only exacerbated when our fridge broke down last week. Sigga has an AMEX so we could buy a new one, but form my budgeting for next month, i'll only have enough money to cover the bills, rent ,food and paying back the taxes. I won't even have enough money to see my therapist. How can it be that I'm working like an pack mule but can barely keep my head above water? I hate being working poor as it odds on to incease you anger and bitterness. All this is not helped by my local vicinity full of new age-y people/arseholes touting austerity and fetishizing poorness as if it were a cool lifestyle choice. Fuck those guys. - My portable hard drive that I keep my music on has packed up and died. Sigga got it for me for my B/day as I was running low on space on my desktop. 300 Gigs of bought/ripped music and I can't get at it. Hopefully I can recover all the data, but it means going to a neck bearded tech wizard who lives in his mum's basement and this will cost a pretty penny. Which of course I don't have. - Bloody cat has run away again!

THE GOOD - Am writing again. It's mainly for my blog to empty all the thoughts that are running in my head and it's still tough to get past the "Why the fuck am I even doing this mentality," but I'm beating myself into doing this. And apparently one of my reviews from last year got mentioned on national radio today, as an example of the best music writing in the country. that's good i guess!

- it looks as if I'm going back to university! yes, in an effort to get some kind of intellectual enjoyment out of my life before i die, I've decided to get a degree in the ol' arts & humanities. Iceland is pretty good for this as tuition fees only cost around $600 a year. Money might be tight by many of my outlays will be fewer as well. I have been wavering a bit on this as I'm a practical type of chap who goes "What exactly will I get out of this degree job wise?" but Sigga and many of my friends have simply said "Who cares? Go and find something that you will actually enjoy doing for a change!" so I guess I'm applying next month and may be enrolling in January. The only thing is what to study. So far it looks like a toss between film studies and English. Any suggestions? - despite being skint I actually went out last night.... and I really enjoyed myself! I'm shocked I know, but it was one of those rare chances I got to go to a fairly proper race and get a bit of cathartic dancing on the go. Lots of hard techno and me showing the kids how it's done!

EVERYYYYYYONE

You're all lovely people keep. Keep strong and pandas and kitten for you all.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=357043#Comment_3570432013-08-21T13:30:30-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00trini_naenaehttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=183
The Bad
The usual stuff. I'm living check to check. I'm tired all of the time. Work is work. I have a mild infatuation with a co-worker who shows no sign of wanting me back. My apartment is a ...
The BadThe usual stuff. I'm living check to check. I'm tired all of the time. Work is work. I have a mild infatuation with a co-worker who shows no sign of wanting me back. My apartment is a mess, and the weather is so hot that anything besides sleeping in my apartment isn't really doable. I'm overwhelmed so on and so forth.

The GoodI'm applying for SNAP benefits, which should make things a little easier financially. I'm losing weight, kind of. I'm trying weight watchers, which isn't really helping since limited computer usage means I can't really use the website, but I've been getting better and better at eating healthy. I'm thinking about/looking into moving to an apartment that is closer to work, since my gas usage has at least doubled since getting my current job. I like the town/area I live in, so that is a bummer, but perhaps things could become better at the new place. I have a new phone, so at least I can have the vaguest of a presence on twitter. I'm aware that the infatuation is just an infatuation, and while distracting, doesn't actually mean anything. I got a little help and encouragement from my mom with my apartment, so I feel a little less like a failure there.

BeautifulThat would be you all! So much happens between postings it feels like there's no way I can respond to you all. But I read all of the posts here and want to give you hugs and cheer you on and give you the encouragement that will make it that little bit easier to tackle the hard stuff and keep on with the good stuff.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=357202#Comment_3572022013-08-23T12:41:31-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Rachæl Tyrellhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=552
This is fucking long. I'm having a time at the moment.
BAD:
A best friend I'd known since highschool had me in her wedding a year and a half ago. This past autumn we went on an ill-fated trip ...
BAD:

A best friend I'd known since highschool had me in her wedding a year and a half ago. This past autumn we went on an ill-fated trip to New Mexico together. When we returned, I explained to her that I felt the trust between us had been compromised. She emailed me back, said she understood, apologized. Radio silence followed. Two months later, I was told by an ex of hers that she was pregnant. She didn't tell me. I wasn't invited to the baby shower or anything. I emailed her congrats, but her terse responses made it clear that she had no desire to connect.

That was four months ago. Nothing since.

I was supposed to be in LA for most of the month of August. Clients dicking the fellow over made it impossible. When I thought I was still going, I emailed an old old friend of mine, a fellow I've known since I was 15. Ignoring the fact that I've been left without response repeatedly by him, I emailed him to let him know that I'd be in town and that I'd love to see him and introduce him to my fellow.

That was three months ago. No response.

I've not seen my dad in two years or so. I'd emailed for Father's Day, outlining the issues that we had between us currently, but thanking him for the cool parts of my early childhood. He actually wrote back, thanked me for the email, and asked me for my address so he could send me a real letter. I gave it to him. Then he asked me if I was going to our annual family reunion. I'd not gotten any of the emails about it this year, and it turns out, my dad was the one running it this year and he just didn't invite me. I couldn't afford to go, and emailed him to say so.

That was over a month ago. The reunion has come and gone. No response. No letter in the mail.

I've not been in any contact with my mother for a few years. She's a bit of a Mommy Dearest, like the mother from Arrested Development, maybe some of Louis CK's mom in there, maybe some of Skwisgaar's mom, too. I got an email from her asking for my phone number and address because she was making out her will and I'd not want to miss out on any inheritance, because I "could probably use it." She added that she was "living in hell" and that she wanted to see me. This is an example of a vague suicide threat in crazy mom land. Legit or not, who knows?

I didn't give her my phone number because I get enough drunk-seeming emails from her already, but I did give her my address. I asked that she not contact me unless she was going to explain to me why she thinks I'm not speaking to her, to explain to me what she takes responsibility for, and to be specific. I figured if she could do that, if she had any idea of wrongdoing instead of just crying crocodile tears out of pitying selfishness for being made to feel like she was a bad mother, then maybe, MAYBE, we could actually have a cordial relationship.

It's been over a week now. No response.

I'd been trying to meet up and chat with a fellow I used to be strangely involved with. I've not seen him for over 2 years, but we have remained in random contact. He was a best friend first and foremost, and I really could use some friends, and so could he. He's not doing well with his own demons, and isn't willing to see me because he's "too much of a mess" at the moment. He avoids most of my questions, gives me just enough information to worry. A lot. I can't do anything to help, and he stays away. I can't tell if I'm being manipulated or not. I worry regardless, but I had to stop trying so hard to stay in contact with someone who only responds once every 8 emails, with just enough information to keep me around and nail bitingly upset. I emailed him and told him that I feared I was being a pest, and that when he wanted a friend, he knew where to find me, and I'd be there if he ever needed me.

That was two weeks ago. No response.

I found online the fellow who trapped me in an abusive relationship a seven years ago. I wanted to finally end that chapter already. To do so, I felt I needed to retrieve the one item of mine he bothered to save. (We were forcibly evicted from the apartment I only half moved out of, and he didn't bother to tell me until after it was over and everything remaining was thrown out.) He saved my McKean signed Caged print, and goddammit, I want that shit back. I swiped it from St. Marks Comics in 1998. I'd not had any contact with him in YEARS, so I googled him, found a new website of his, emailed him, and waited. He actually emailed me back, filled with apologies and sorries and details about his life that I don't fucking need, attempts at earning my sympathy and/or admiration and/or empathy (his mom has cancer and he has nerve damage in his drawing arm, guess what, I don't give a fuck). I just want my fucking print, not to have a back and forth. I am curt and polite, I don't chit chat back, I just want the details, I just want my print. I offered to send my fellow to him to personally retrieve it, even.

I've been dragged into this non-committal back and forth with him for two weeks now.

So. Great. The one person who does want to have contact with me is the person who once and picked me up by the throat, threw me down on my bed, and pinned me down while he slapped me across the face; the person who kept me as his isolated and totally financially dependent pet for over two years of leaving me at home alone with no food or money or cigarettes for undetermined periods of time, never bringing me out into the world with him, never having more than $7 in my pocket, never having any idea of where to go or what to do, and not getting any support or alternatives from my family or friends while I ended up a shell of a person.

This is all really wearing me down. I'm pretty alone when it comes to close emotional bonds with other humans. I just don't have any left. None but my fellow. It worries me and makes me rather nervous to not have anyone close to me aside from the guy I'm romantically involved with. It's ..... isolating. It's not HIS fault. But still. It seems very dangerous to me. It's difficult to end up so rejected so often. I keep trying to figure out what it is that I'm doing wrong.

How do I repel people so easily? What makes me so easy to walk away from?]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=357203#Comment_3572032013-08-23T12:41:50-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Rachæl Tyrellhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=552
Also, unrelated....
My back went out yesterday carrying sidewalk furniture up the stairs. It was dramatic. I haven't been able to move much. I'm in a lot of pain.
Also....
I have cleaned ...
My back went out yesterday carrying sidewalk furniture up the stairs. It was dramatic. I haven't been able to move much. I'm in a lot of pain.

Also....

I have cleaned every fucking inch of my apartment, and the cockroaches will not stop. I scrub and soak the floor in bleach and vinegar, I bathe the walls, I clean every corner of every cabinet, and still, they come in droves. In fact, they are appearing in my bedroom now. Every time I move something near my floor, shift my laundry pile, cockroaches scurry about. Move a neat pile of papers atop my scanner waiting to be scanned? 4 cockroaches run away. Nobody on the second or first floors have cockroaches. We've bug bombed twice. The super still hasn't done anything. I feel constantly on edge, constantly paranoid, constantly exhausted. (Neuropathic pains and tingles in my limbs that feel just like bugs crawling on my skin really doesn't help.) I spend so much of my oomph on cleaning up after my roommate and trying to make the apartment SANITARY that I break my sickly self. Having chronic illness and OCD and an insect infestation is really a horrible combination. The fellow thinks my latest manic two week spree of trying to cleanse the apartment is what brought on the current back problem.

And as always... doctor stuff and money.

GOOD:

The fellow and I were on Humans of New York, and gosh, we are cute. (see SPIThread)

The fellow is awesome and helping me out in many ways.

The fellow is making awesome art, and I'm terribly proud of him.

I might end up hosting a figure drawing thingee? Like, host as in "on camera"? Something like that. Maybe.

I've got a neighbor friend, and he's pretty awesome. We are quite different culturally, but still. He's good fucking friend.

I might be on WFMU again this Sunday night / Monday morning. (If my back can take it.)

OTHERS:

Dextra. I hope this all gets answered and those answers are ones that aren't terribly scary and shitty. Having stuff with the brain is frustrating. With most illness, you feel like your own body is betraying you, but with brain stuff, it's like your own IDENTITY isn't to be trusted. It sucks, and I'm sorry, and I have been wondering if you've had any updates or answers yet.

Iceland Bob: I'm really glad you are back. I've missed you. Hang in there, man. I've got to come to Iceland someday and have one of my rare special occasion drinking til dawn outings with you.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=357236#Comment_3572362013-08-23T19:01:36-05:002013-08-23T19:04:08-05:00Cameron C.http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4226
Act I: The Bad
Heh. For once I'm not sure there is too much THE BAD to talk about. My job is pretty shitty, more so the last few months than normal. I work at a large office supply store, ...
Act I: The Bad

Heh. For once I'm not sure there is too much THE BAD to talk about. My job is pretty shitty, more so the last few months than normal. I work at a large office supply store, primarily in the tech section, for those that don't recall. I was offered full time back in jan or feb and then given many excuses by the store manager why he couldn't actually do what he himself offered me (A new excuse each time, often they wouldn't make any sense and contradicted facts and/or actual company policy). Then a few months ago I was promoted to a manager-in-training which was a full time position and ... I am still not full time. I went through a lot of 25 hour weeks in the last few months, had my hours cut by a whole day for a while when another tech opened up his availability, and generally have found the whole experience the most professionally demeaning time I've ever had. The store manager consistently comes in three - four hours after he is scheduled or leaves early. He makes the schedule for the following week and then proceeds to continue to change peoples shifts. He will sometime not schedule any cashiers in the morning, or not schedule any of the managers to close, or make other very silly mistakes with the schedules. I also put in for vacation four months in advance of when I wanted the vacation and it was denied. He will look you straight in the eye and lie to you or say a series of sentences with nothing but meaningless buzzwords in it. He is the worst in almost every sense. However...

Act II: The Good

... I have a job interview next Tuesday! If I get it I won't be able to quit my other job. I'm hoping I can get just a few shifts a week. If I can secure like 15 hours a week at night I can live off that check and be able to pay my bills and still save some money. It will be such a relief. Plus, I will probably then go to my current job and say, "Hey, I don't wanna be your manager monkey anymore, cool?" Well, since that would eventually mean having an actual conversation with the store manager maybe I won't do that... Yet, at least. I will go in to work and change my availability and tell them I got a second job, which might lead to a more productive discussion then me just telling then I don't want the position anyway. WE WILL SEE. The interview is at a theater in the mall. Mostly, I just want some money so I can BUY GROCERIES and also in the same month PAY RENT. That hasn't happened too often this year.

Lets see. What has happened since last I was on the boards?! Hmmmm. Not much, really. OH WAIT.

COMIC BOOKS. A very long time ago I started doodling comic books and released three issues of Scrambled Circuits. About a month ago the fourth volume was officially completed and will "soon" be available in print and, most likely, ComiXology. A collected version of the first three issues will also be available on ComiXology once I fix some technical quirks at their request (Currently 1/3 through editing the 94 page collection).

Scrambled Circuits Volume 4 was written by me and drawn by me and a bunch of fellow Whitechapellains like Chris G, VertigoJones, vklaus, and Ferburton and also JeCorey Holder and Dylan Canfield. This project was first started last February and now, after artist changes and life events and tons of other stuff BAM it is done. Early responses have been positive. For a long time it seemed like it would be stuck in limbo and perpetually "almost done" but, shit, it now IS done. And it's really made things seem pretty awesome in general.

Rick, congratulations! I'm always one hundred thousand percent excited whenever someone feels able to allow themselves to be more open about the parts of themselves they want to express. Fucking shame it seems to always have that caveat concerning parents, right? Good luck! Yeah!

Speaking of parents and stuff... Rachael, damn I wish I had ability to express words and stuff towards your post. :( I did, however, see your picture on Humans of New York! Great to hear some things are going well!

Bob, man, sorry to hear about the hard drive. I've dealt with losing media and more important stuff from a drive dying and it's so frustrating.

The Credits

Here I am, Whitechapel. Freshly watered and ready to get some work done. And drink coffee.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=357280#Comment_3572802013-08-25T04:00:46-05:002013-08-25T04:25:37-05:00chris ghttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1829
I don't even know where to fucking begin...
Earlier tonight I was driving home after running at the park when I got stopped by a cop RIGHT outside my house for "passing two stops" or ...
Earlier tonight I was driving home after running at the park when I got stopped by a cop RIGHT outside my house for "passing two stops" or some shit. I just HAD to go run on a Saturday night when the most pigs are out there waiting in the dark. I left my license in my other pants but my family came out to see what was happening and grabbed it for me. Cop patted me down AND I had my box cutter in my pocket but I told him about it. He let me go so I got off fucking light compared to other run ins where I always end up ticketed. Fucking hell, man. I could NOT handle some stupid expensive ticket right now so Cthulhu must have been on my side tonight. Fuck. I think I'll have to run in the mornings now lest I get stalked in the dark by a fucking cop again. I really did drive home as patiently as possible but got cocky as soon as I got within three or so blocks of my house.

After the cop left my sis let me have it and chewed me out and took my car keys like a fucking teenager and threatened to sell my car when it's so close to being paid off. And mom getting hysterical and crying and both of them pretty much blaming me for not being some perfect grown ass man of the house and not having my shit together at 28. And telling me I should try free therapy or something, what the fuck. Sis said the cop asked if I have a mental problem but she said "he's just cocky." ha-ha, sure I guess. But an event like this is just the opening they needed to rip into me and chip away at every little detail and mannerism and habits of mine. Just generally blaming me for our collective shit loads of neurotic bullshit and resentment. Sister even let out that she tried slitting her wrist a while back but "nothing happened." What an attention whore. Even I would never do that no matter how bleak things seem. God fucking damn it. At least the cop exclaimed about my weight loss when he checked my license. All of this just because I felt like going for a fuckin' run! UGH!

Also: I didn't get to talk about it here at the time but I was able to start a new job but it didn't even last. Two weeks and that was it. I liked it but suddenly some cunty accountant lady was terrorizing and harassing us over the phone like she was the boss of fucking everything. The lady I got hired with cried because it was just this pure fucking hatred specifically towards her from some bitch I've never even met. So after getting bitched at on the phone again we both walked out of there, she doesn't deserve that shit and she got me hired as a package deal with her, so I left too. So goddamn ridiculous. We were really liking it there until this invisible cunt stuck her nose in. I started getting some wicked nosebleeds after working in there. I've never had so much blood pour out of me before. I've been getting them every week or so but I've got it under control. I've gotta keep my fingernails clipped, I must've nicked something to cause me to bleed to damn much.BUT it really is high fucking time I stop relying on people to get me an "in" for jobs and get shit on my own. Sis made the point that maybe I've had it too easy for a while. I don't know. I just wanted to work and chip in and mind my own fucking business. But it is becoming too apparent that I've got to get away but I'm too broke to breathe at this point! Just when I was feeling good and getting a spring in my step from that job. Oh, and those EDD assholes also cut me off. I was only getting like $50 a week on that card anyway. Fuckholes don't know the struggle. Gawwwd. Fuuuuuuuuck. ENOUGH.

Anyway, I'd really like to not exist right now and unplug from everything. Even stupid internet has brought me nothing but mental anguish this year what with that one chick I wish I never met. Even at SDCC I spotted a bunch of friends at the end of the day but it seemed like they didn't really want me around (all girl cliques, amirite). Gonna go ahead and accept that no one likes, wants me around or believes in me. I've been working on a new comic but I don't even feel like doing it anymore since I've gotta keep worrying about finding a new worky dayjawb. Just wanna not fucking be ME anymore. Ya try to sack up but then everything comes to weigh you down and tell you how useless you are.

Rachel - Fuck, sucks how the innernet can catch up with you sometimes. I think my mom just found my dad (who I haven't seen since I was ten) on FB. I want to taker her damn laptop away (well it is mine, I loaned it to her since she killed hers somehow) for fear she might get in her hysterical unstable moods and attempt to reconnect with the prick. That's if she hasn't already. Hope your back feels okay soon :)Ricky - Congrats on your sexuality. You do you!Cameron - Fucking jobs, rite? Glad the comic got finished, it looks good! Thanks for letting me do the cover :DFauxhammer (I hardly knew her!), Robin - Good job with the weight! Now my damn problem is ppl bitching that I'm becoming unhealthy or malnourished or some bullshit. Ugh.Everybody-glad you come and check in when you can. glad I can always come bitch and moan and get shit out of my head here at ye olde WC. Still never even met anyone from here but this has always been the place when there really is no other place for a miserable fuck like me to go to! thanks <3]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=357282#Comment_3572822013-08-25T05:58:43-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00icelandbobhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=5250
Chris, try to hang in there man. It seems that you'e got so many little things weighing down on you right now, that it just seems that nothing is possible or to do something is just too much. And all ...
But people do believe in you. I do for instance, and i would really like it if you could keep existing. This world NEEDS you to exist and do great things. This world is overrun by fools, and there's not much we can do about that (not without a flamethrower), but if you can, try to rise above it all.

Rachel - Oof! a bad back AND cockroaches?? Sounds like hell. When we lived in London, summer was hell with ants trying to get our sugar! You need to move here. With climate change i'M sure it will all go wrong, but since we've moved to Iceland we've never had any kind of a bug problem. It´s great!

Also, as with Chris, people are scumbags. they never call, always promise to write or do things, but they never do. Sometimes it's not even malicious - they're just to preoccupied in their own shit to realise that their lack of communication sends out a negative message to you. And then they get all defensive when you point this out, because when you tell them they KNOW, but they'd rather not deal with it.

Also re: the mommy dearest. We often get calls from Sigga's mum during the week. As she's also an alcoholic they range from "I've aaaaaalways loved you," to barely intelligible rants about how her dad has ruined any chances she has had at a fulfilling life. It's....a pain in the rear to be honest.

Remember this people - 5% of the population is slagheap.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=357283#Comment_3572832013-08-25T06:21:27-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00fleckyhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8949
What Bob just said. This 5% of people who are victimized, self-pitying, passive-aggressive, controlling, in-denial, twisted scum-filth...Jesus, don't get me started. All we can do is keep our neck of ...
Hang in there, Chris and Rachael.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=357295#Comment_3572952013-08-25T21:16:39-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Rootfireemberhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1551
@Chris & @Rach
-hang in there, both of you. Shitty people abound, but at least you folks have whitechapel :)
-hang in there, both of you. Shitty people abound, but at least you folks have whitechapel :)]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=357351#Comment_3573512013-08-26T19:15:11-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00razrangelhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2075
Negs-
I've not just become my own worst enemy, I seem to have taking to salting the fields, as it were. I haven't been able to get myself to do anything particularly productive toward my goals in ...
I've not just become my own worst enemy, I seem to have taking to salting the fields, as it were. I haven't been able to get myself to do anything particularly productive toward my goals in ages and in the past couple of weeks it's been hard as hell just to move beyond checking facebook and watching videos. I have this todo list and I know just what I want to get done next and I just sit there and let time pass by. Fuck...

Distant second: asshole brother is still an asshole. Tired, sick, cranky old dad is still...all of those thing.

Pos-Friends still let me hang with them once in a while and I get to spend a day completely and totally forgetting I have problems or money shortages and what not. Hung with friends this weekend and it was fab. Also got to see THE WORLD'S END which was fucking fantastic and you should all go see it at once.

Go on. Shoo.

Ok, now that you've seen one of the funniest films EVAR, we can continue. One of the studios at which I take voice over classes called me in with a bunch of other students to do some recording. Walla - the sort of ambient chatter of a mass of people talking or reacting to stuff going on - takes a clutch of people in the booth at the same time, and when they turn to people on the high end it's one of the most lucrative gigs around. Of course, this studio doesn't have the money for high end, hence inviting students to do it for free. But excellent practice and a real and true recording session is not to be underestimated. So that was a very cool thing that I got to do.

Have taken on another stage managing gig, though it will mostly kick in this October. Never known a company trying to line up crew this far in advance, but whatev. I won't have to stress out until later. In the meantime I really, really have to get my shit together so I don't hit October and have no time to do any VO or Japanese and thus never really get any done over the course of the whole year.

Oh, also sent a fan tweet to Dai Sato (writer of, among many others, episodes for Ghost in the Shell, Eureka 7, Wolf's Rain and on and on). On the to-do list is drafting a real fan letter (in which I ask him which philosophers he's studied and still likes going back to), but it'll have to be in Japanese so I'm moving very slowly.

Cheers-Rachael, that pic is terrific.

Bob, yay for writing and lots o' yay for seeking a degree and doing something you love! Very, very, very important.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=357712#Comment_3577122013-09-01T04:01:49-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Fauxhammerhttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=27
Good: -Getting closer to my trip. I am going to blow my fucking brains out with Jagermeister. That's what I'm holding onto.
-Turning 39 next week, and I'm meeting it with mixed emotions.
No ...
-Turning 39 next week, and I'm meeting it with mixed emotions.

No good: -My car is fucked again. The overheating issues I'd had warped the head gaskets, which will cost another two grand to fix. For all the money I've sunk into this decade old Subaru I could have bought a goddamn used Mustang. Disgusting, and it gives me the guilt for going away.

-Therapy was brutal this week. I was dodging the question of my mother (recap: she beat the shit out of me until I was too large, then she manipulated me, and I haven't seen nor spoken to her in nigh unto twenty years), and it finally came up. We didn't spend too long on it, but I still felt like I got worked over by bikers.

-Interesting bit of synchronicity, though. My wife got me this birthday package from the lady who taught our tarot class from a few weeks back. It includes a breakdown of one's "soul card", which in my case is The Empress. It represents nurturing, fertility, creativity, et. al.--the mother-y stuff. It dawned on me that I'm very "mothery", in a way. Making sure my friends are all right, taking care of my wife, shit like that. I made the connection, with the therapy shit still fresh, that I think I do that because of the absence of a positive mother figure. I just did it myself, and I give that to my people when they need it, whether they need to talk, need something to eat, or need a momma Tyrannosaurus rex to defend her fuzzy little chicks. That's what I love about tarot (which, I feel it need be said, I do not view in a magical context)--it helps access the subconscious by using symbols to bypass the upper brain, and tells you things you already know.

-Reading the polyamory thread makes me realize how ill-suited to monogamy I sometimes feel. My wife and I are a great team, each filling in the blanks of the other, but sexually we're not all that compatible. When we click, man, do we click, but we're kind of in a stalemate. She'll never initiate, and I'm afraid of getting shut out and feeling like a beggar. I know there are reasons for that, but she won't communicate easily. So in the meantime, I just get more depressed about it. I'll never cheat--at least, I don't have anything a hypothetical Other Woman would want--but I think about other women a lot, and it shames me.

-I'm upset about the above overshare.

-Basically, I'm just feeling like I'm about to buckle under a lot of trivial shit, and it makes me feel like a weakling.

Y'all -@rachael: See above for mother issues, and it sucks when the only people who want to talk to you are the people you don't want to talk to. Hit me up if ever you need an ear.@chris: I know those feels as well. If you do a comic, I'll read that shit and talk it up.@everybody: Keep up the struggle.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=357802#Comment_3578022013-09-02T12:42:27-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00Dextrahttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=279
The good: I'm feeling, for the most part, better. A lot of the symptoms I was experiencing could all be linked back to an anxiety disorder and my depression. The depression I've been dealing with ...
The bad: I was going to leave this alone, but fuck it, I'm hurting. Hank, or the user a page or two back now known as "xxxxxxxxxx", broke up with me a few days ago. Up until a couple of weeks ago, we planned on spending the rest of our lives together. And now...he's decided that he has to go and do everything on his own and "man up" and that he's doing this for my own good and that he's leaving me because he loves me. Doesn't want me getting hurt or hating him or some other ridiculous bullshit. I would walk through the fires of hell for that man, but he doesn't want me to have to deal with whatever the fuck it is he thinks is going to be a big problem. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I've put a good dent in the alcohol supply in this house. But I still love him and I hope I'm able to get him to not toss me aside.

The hugly: All y'all, fist bumps and bear hugs. One of these days, when I write my autobiography and it gets put in the science fiction section for a laugh, I'll buy you all a round.]]>
OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (June/July/August 2013)http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=11098&Focus=357819#Comment_3578192013-09-02T20:00:45-05:002015-03-31T17:15:49-05:00oldhathttp://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75
And, I'm afraid we're done for the summer.