Malaysia being quite tolerant, one can easily buy pork and grog, but there are also many halal restaurants, since over half the country is Muslim. Apart from traditional Malay food places, there are also European-style restaurants albeit with halal menus.

For example, there are many Italian restaurants. But how do you make a halal ham and pineapple pizza? Introducing... chicken ham! These off-white salty cubes are almost totally unconvincing as a substitute for genuine ham cut off a real squealing pig.

A more successful experiment has been beef bacon. In fact, I think maybe I prefer it to real bacon - it's not as greasy and has a definite bacon taste, although delightfully smokier. A lot like beef jerky, come to think of it.

"SPECIAL CRUSTS STUFFED FULL OF CHICKEN SAUSAGE!!!!"

Even with my fairly cosmopolitan palate I found this concept a tad too frightening to contemplate.

Now for those of you who are now thinking "Muslims don't eat pig meat, how silly", I'd like to retort: there are many people in the world that would think Westerners are silly for not eating dog. YMMV, but so does theirs.