I have some shocking news. Not every man wants me. And I’m totally okay with that. Which is why I’m always surprised when men take it so very personally when I don’t want them. Let me start with a little bit of history.

Once upon a time I dated a man who wasn’t really attracted to me. He didn’t like my petite figure, my auburn hair, my skin so white the veins showed blue. He wanted Salma Hayek. An exotic, olive-skinned beauty with black hair, huge double Ds and a booty to match. And when I realized his strong preference for women utterly unlike me, I didn’t take it personally. I didn’t think he should learn to like me or adjust his desire. I wished him well, happy to go on my way so I could snag a king with a soft spot for little ole, pale me.

If I meet a man I’m smitten with, but he doesn’t see me in that way…let’s say he happens to mention that he loves big breasts…I do not feel sad, I do not feel bad, and I certainly don’t get upset with him. I do not think that he will NEVER find a woman as wonderful as me, or that he is passing by awesome opportunities because he’d rather not fiddle with small boobs. I believe everyone deserves to get exactly what they want.

This easy-going tendency doesn’t seem to be returned by men. I once had a male friend who was shorter than me, probably around 5’4”. When discussing the opposite sex and what we were looking for, I happened to mention I like men taller than me (I did not say “I like men taller than you”). He was livid. So disgusted at me for saying that height was important. He never got over it, and we’re no longer friends.

I was recently contacted online by a man who didn’t realize he knew me. We had studied acting together eons ago (when I was dating the man in love with Salma Hayek).

His message, however, was not of a neutral tone. He wrote to me, because he was offended by something I said in my profile. I happened to mention that an athletic bod is a requirement. This is not just me being superficial. This is a lifestyle choice. I am active and fit. I want a man who can beat me up a mountain and who can bench press me all night. I want a man as physically active and fit as me. And a beer belly and man boobs ain’t gonna cut it.

In his message he wrote, “So, you’re really looking for someone who is perfect?”

I normally wouldn’t have replied to his message. He is not my type. Older than I’m looking for. Not the physical specimen I’m comfortable with. And to be perfectly frank, I wouldn’t want to wake up every morning to his face. But because I knew him, it felt natural to write back and say, “Hey buddy! We know each other! Remember me?” And at the end of my message I said, “You’re right. I’m looking for someone perfect for me. I wish you the best of luck in your life and love search.”

This did not go over well. He wrote me back and very clearly told me the “things I must already know,” and they went like this:

“You will NEVER (caps are courtesy of him btw) find someone who will love you if you don’t look beyond their biceps and pecs.”

“You WILL (again his caps) miss your soulmate.”

“Obviously it hasn’t worked for you before because you’re still alone. The men with good bodies will always put themselves first.”

Oh…I see…so I should date YOU instead, is that right? Learn to be attracted to you?

First of all, that’s a heck of a lot of assumptions this man is making. He is basically saying that all the hotties out there are incapable of having loving, loyal relationships. Hate to break it to him, but I’ve loved lots of hotties, and the majority have been great to me. It ended not because they were selfish or narcissistic or horrible in some way, but because it just wasn’t a forever fit. And I have many male friends with awesome pecs and biceps who have proven themselves wonderful and perfectly capable of mature, loving relationships.

So what is this instinct some men have to relegate the women who don’t want them to spinsterhood? To feel brave enough to tell these women that they won’t find their soulmate? That they need to do things differently…see people differently?

Well, it all comes down to their own insecurities, I guess. When a man doesn’t want me, I’m secure enough to know that it’s just that man, not ALL men who don’t want me. The man who sets limits on the woman who isn’t interested, who professes to know what’s best or be concerned for her well-being because, well…she’s not into him that way…he hears the lack of interest from her as a rejection from ALL women.

But we aren’t all rejecting you…just me. And I’m pretty insignificant. There is a wonderful woman out there who is waiting for a man just like you. Someone to wrap her up in his unselfish love, and make her laugh, and give her a beer belly to rest her head on. Just like there’s a man who loves my see-through veins, my auburn hair, my compact frame…and that man WILL be fit, handsome, and perfectly capable of putting me first when the time is right. And you can rest assured… I WON’T miss him.

Written by Amy

I am a film, TV and voiceover actress and a fiction and nonfiction writer. You've seen and heard me on television, movies, radio ads and video games. I'm the author of 5 books and counting, and my award-winning short stories have been featured in acclaimed literary journals.

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“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”
– Carl Jung

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