A Stone Giant, Zombies, and other weird things - Adversaries that Paul must defeat to free Gwen.

The Plot:

Here we have an example of Charles Band getting creative, honestly this is not a good thing. Granted, only one segment of the film (with the hard rockers) was directly his fault, since each part was written by a different person. It is much like one of those writing assignments you had in English, where someone begins the story and each following person adds a paragraph. Remember the guy who always had Hulk Hogan bust in and start beating whatever characters four other people had fleshed out? Well imagine some whacko scientist cloned him, sent all the clones to screenwriting school, and then actually produced the movie they wrote together (each adding a paragraph of course). Yes, it's that bad.

As this absurd plot would have it, Satan has been listlessly plodding through the centuries in search of a worthy opponent. Bypassing some promising types like Christ, Joan of Arc, and Teddy Roosevelt he finds Paul. What in the hell is Satan thinking? So what if Paul can meld with his computer, it's a computer. Not a holy sword, nor a magical tome, not even a blessed elixir. I'd be damned if anything which manipulates ones and zeros would be my choice of weapons versus the Devil.

Despite not understanding the "magic" of computers, the fallen angel turns Cal into a bracer that Paul then wears on his arm, matching the rest of his blue suit. Handsomely equipped he is sent to face the terrors of the aforementioned annoying screenwriting guild and I refuse to describe everything they came up with. Suffice to say that he usually conquers each challenge by tapping a few buttons on Cal and shooting blue beams at it, then he does a glittering dissolve back to the staging area. Get used to the dissolves, there are lots of them.

Finally Paul is sick and tired of this (join the party bud), he challenges the hulking Dungeonmaster to unarmed combat. Winner takes all, loser is tossed into a river of lava, whatever. Why Satan is vanquished by taking a dip in molten rock is beyond (maybe I mean below) me, but then again so is this film.

Things I Learned From This Movie:

The Prince of Evil is completely mystified by computers. (Which clears Bill Gates of some serious allegations.)

Midgets are kleptomaniacs and are able to outrun a full grown man who is in top physical condition.

Dead bodies do no make comfortable beds.

Hard rock groupies should trim their fingernails more often.

Satan likes to make puns - bad, evil puns...

Cops hate jelly doughnuts.

Satan needs to invest in a thesaurus.

Laser weapons have recoil, lot's of it.

Deities do not have very much practice at hand to hand combat.

Stuff To Watch For:

5 mins - I don't know what this has to do with the movie, but I like it.

15 mins - What in the heck is going on?

34 mins - Why did Einstein go to Hell? How is this fair?

38 mins - They probably have herpes or something like that, you are dealing with Satan here.

41 mins - What about the dead body? These cops should call the station or an ambulance right? Anyone with me here?

47 mins - Paul ran just over one mile in five minutes, through city streets.

53 mins - Thermonuclear or geothermal? I'm confused, but this is not any drastic change from the last fifty-two minutes.

56 mins - Now when exactly was Satan a "lad?" In an alley? What?

Ending Credits - I feel like someone (a very large someone) has been sitting on my head.