Who pooped on this Chicago man's Tesla?

When Karl Marx wrote about the proletariat rising up against the ruling class in the 1800s, he had no idea what luxury, electric-powered cars were and he also had no idea the revolution would start with someone landing a hot dookie on a man’s Tesla Model X in Lakeview. Viva the revolpooption! Robin Hood? More like someone who might be named Robin just let one loose on a the hood of a man’s car? (I’m so sorry).

According to a hilarious Craigslist I hope isn’t fake but probably is, Michael, the owner of said Tesla, is not happy at all, writing, "I am seeking people out here to see if anyone has any information about who may have taken a gigantic shit on the windshield of my brand new Tesla Model X,” before adding, “this is not a joke.” As his post recounts, the fecal incident happened near Stratford Place and Broadway, where his car was parked.

Following a "third date" with a woman "who was very conservative" at Lakeview bar Rocks, Michael found "two sizable logs and smaller ball which rolled down to my wipers." "Pee was not visible leading me to believe that *perhaps* someone had shit in a container at home and then threw it on my car later," Michael speculates. The post continues, "I had to use a redeye magazine and a bottle of water to clean it off and that sucked.” Which, well, screw you buddy, this paper is for reading. We were on your side! (But really, good on you for getting a second use out of newsprint.)

"Taking dumps on a person's car is something children do, not adults," Michael claims in the post, which makes me think we had wholly different childhoods. In his defense though, such a messy discovery is pretty shocking. Michael admits as much, "Now I know a lot of people might find this funny [Editor's note: It truly, truly is] but my date was really traumatized by the whole thing and I have zero leads."

If anyone has good enough info on the poo poo platter left on Michael's car, he's willing to offer a reward, explaining, "I am not going to mention dollar amounts here but I work in the medical community and trust me when I say I think the amount I have in mind will not disappoint. After all, I do own a Tesla" (hyperlink added by RedEye). As if anyone was starting to feel bad for the guy, he adds, "I am so greatly saddened this city has been over run by thugs and poor people who are having too many children. I cannot be surprised that Donald Trump is doing so well when I see my car had someone shit or toss shit on it in clear view of the public."

Actually, with that kind of attitude maybe more people should go colon bowling on this guy's car. Just my take here. Read the entire post here or with the screengrabs below.

Josh Terry

Josh Terry

Josh Terry

Josh Terry

RedEye has reached out to Michael for comment. As of press time, he has not responded which makes us believe that this post, while hilarious, stinks as much as the fictional number two dropped on his fake Tesla's not-real windshield.