Lt. Horatio Caine Sinks a Three for Justice

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Like most Real Americans, I spend my Sunday nights watching CSI: Miami, the top procedural crime drama on television. It’s particularly great because of the exceedingly clever and highbrow line readings of star David Caruso, who plays Lt. Horatio Caine.

In this season’s premiere, Caruso validated my love of the show by displaying his own love of basketball. He initially sizes up the shot like he’s never seen a basketball before, but that form doesn’t lie. This is a man who knows his way around a court, even in an all-black suit. Plus, Horatio Caine doesn’t miss shots “for Jesse,” who apparently really loved basketball played with no defense.

The only bad thing about this scene is that it took place at the end of the episode rather than the beginning, where Caruso could have rattled off an awesome pun as he took off his sunglasses. But all is not lost. There are plenty of opportunities for awesome basketball openings for future episodes. Here are just a few possibilities:

1. Bald Guy: Looks like he was shot in the middle of a basketball game.

Horatio Caine: He crossed over … to the other side.

The Who: Yeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!

2. Bald Guy: He was bludgeoned in the head with a 20-lb weight.

Horatio Caine: That’s what I call … a flagrant foul.

The Who: Yeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!

3. Bald Guy: There’s a trail of blood from the court to this parking space.

Horatio Caine: Someone just got whistled … for a double-dribble.

The Who: Yeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!

4. Bald Guy: The victim was the biggest star in the NBA. He’d just signed with the local team.