It's like the paternity equivalent of fan fiction: Earlier this year, a Canadian woman named Karen Sala filed a claim naming Keanu Reeves as the father of "at least one" of her four adult kids (she's not big on specifics). The reclusive actor, 45, has insisted he's never met her and has no idea who she is, but he agreed to undergo a DNA test to clear his name.

Well, the results are in, and it turns out there's no need to break out the cigars: TMZ says the test proves that Keanu isn't the dad.

Sala, who was looking for Reeves to pony up $150,000 per month in child support, retroactive to June 1988, and $3 million a month in spousal support, retroactive to November 2006 (no, the "Whoa"-spouting "Matrix" star has never been married, and yes, that really does say $3 million), is scoffing genetics, schemetics.

"This is not about revenge or an attack on his good character -- it's about closure and getting some peace," Sala said outside an Ontario courthouse last month. "This is a personal journey."

Which reminds us: Last night, we dreamt about being adopted by Brad and Angelina. We're currently awaiting a call back from our attorney so our personal journey toward their luxurious French chateau can begin.