Tedious, ungrammatical, unoriginal and tasteless crap from someone old enough to know better.

Monday, November 02, 2015

If, else, sometimes

May I join my friends Theodore and Evadne
Google in wishing a happy birthday to George Boole (no point, he is dead, Ed.)
who celebrates his 200th birthday today.

George is famous for having invented the
game of “Boules” which is named after him, later developed into something
called Petanque by the ungrateful French who resented having a game named after
an Englishman. Petanque comes from the French words “Pet” and “ancien” –
meaning “old fart”. I think that this says a lot about the French and their disrespect
for the sciences in general and mathematics in particular.

Anyway, the games of boules is, as every
schoolchild knows, the basis of modern computer programming. A group of nerdy
men (and the occasional woman) stand around trying to get as close as possible
to a solution and when everyone has had a go they all say “Fuck it, that will
do” and release it as the new version of the software. Sometimes they get so
close to a solution that the software nearly works.

My more fanciful friends, Eric and Cynthia Wikipedia, who run an enormously popular spoof web site report on petanque thus: “When a player loses 13 to 0, he is said to fanny … and must kiss the bottom of a girl named Fanny.” Had this sort of reward been afforded to those of us less than athletic during my schooldays, I would have made more effort to turn up for P.E.

Dear
George was at one end of the scientific spectrum, trying to apply rules of order
and reason to the physical universe. At the other end were the proponents of
the second law of thermodynamics who believed that the natural state is one of
disintegration. Until these two camps can find a common ground I shall not
regret not paying attention to my dear science teachers – it was basically just
RE with Bunsen burners.

I
didn’t pay much attention in French either, and perhaps someone attempted to
teach us how to say “Fuck it, that will do” but I do not remember. My attention
lasted a couple of minutes into my first lesson where Mr Bruce introduced us to
the language of Voltaire and Hugo by declaring “C’est un règle.” Since then all
opportunities to assist a puzzled Frenchman who was unsure what this item was
called have evaded me. I must confess that I have not been over-enthusiastic in
my pursuit of such chances, but I am still ready should the need arise. Do they
still use rulers in school? I suspect their use is in decline, so perhaps Mr
Bruce’s lesson might still be useful as some members of the younger generations
may not recognise a ruler should they encounter one.