Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Spartanburg Police have been on the lookout this past week for a giant walking pitcher of red liquid. Reports indicate it has been a virtual rampage of tens of thousands of dollars worth of destruction to private property over the past several days in mainly suburban homes around the downtown area of Spartanburg.

"We were just standing there in the break room making some kool-aid when all of the sudden it was like an explosion." Mary Collins, an eye witness to one of the incidents commented. "We thought it was terrorists at first, but then we saw a giant red thing, and he yelled in this booming voice, 'Oh Yeah!' ..I thought we were all dead for sure."

Police detectives say the incidents mostly happened in kitchens, or when someone was making a glass of kool-aid. "We set up a Sting operation, trying to trap the suspect," Sargent Waters told reporters today, "We prompted his appearance in a house in Hampton heights by pouring up some of the kool-aid beverage. We had a SWAT team laying in wait inside the suburban home."

The Kool-Aid man was arrested and given a psychological evaluation which resulted in discovering he suffers from dementia.

"I think he was just confused, and he certainly didn't want to hurt anyone" local psychologist Bill Kerrnal remarked. "He's into his 60's in age, but also has lived very much a life of hard knocks. We'll do our best to keep him from going to prison over this. He needs help, and being locked up like an animal won't do him, or anyone, any good."

For now, what the future has in store for the Kool-Aid man will be left up to the local courts to decide, but Spartanburg residents can sigh in relief that it's safe to enjoy a nice glass of kool-aid again without having to worry about doing major construction repair to their homes.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

The Spartanburg procrastinators club was scheduled to hold their first meeting over the weekend at Sonny's brickoven pizza downtown, and part-time organizer Jeff Parsons was hoping for a high turnout.

"We had a lot of people that said they were attending on the facebook event page we created for this." said Parsons, "I admit the event should have been promoted earlier then a few days prior though. I just have so much stuff going on right now, and I only organize for this group in my spare time really."

Attending the meeting were Parsons and three others, who were unaware of the event itself, but just happened to be at the pizza place for drinks that evening. The group decided to postpone the event for a yet to be decided upon date, in the near future possibly, sooner then later hopefully.

"Possible future events will be posted probably at least two weeks or so before the event itself more then likely," Parsons added, "unless a mutually convenient date is agreed upon by whoever thinks they might could meet wherever, whenever, or whatever. I'm sure it'll all come together sooner or later."