Welcome to my home in blogland. Here, I strive to make you laugh like never before, cry warmhearted tears, get silly, and be naughty. Together, we'll uncover sweet morsels in the light and dark. You'll leave craving chocolate. That's a given. I'm a bad influence. Oy vey, am I a bad influence! {But I do recommend fair trade and organic varieties.} Please enjoy the samples, and may you fast become addicted. You're most welcome to return.

My Story, Yours Too.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Dear Holidays

Dear Holidays,

How’d you get here so fast? Let me help you < pause > slip out the back door. Oops, sorry. I forgot I was wearing stilettos. Well, while you’re down there, I’ve gotta say something. Who invited you anyway? What with all that tinsel and sparkle, you think you’re hot to trot. Sweetie, you’re wrong. You don’t bring on the cheer. You incite increased need for Prozac. You multiply family tensions one gazillionfold. All this forced focus on love and happiness just makes us think about our losses and what we don’t have. Face it. You’re a downer, darling.

Financial problems torment us already. There you go, sauntering in, all flirty and stuff. Next thing we know, we have to buy gifts for people we don’t even like. Plus, we have to see them, and eat with them, and even hug them.

On the other hand, ever been alone between Halloween and Valentine’s Day? I can’t even grab a bite to eat without incident. Apparently, it’s unacceptable to eat alone, especially during you. Waitstaff never get it. I always have to overemphasize the “one” factor.

“Yes, I want a table for one. Yes, that’s ‘one’ as in ‘one.’ Me. Yep. I’m alone again this holiday season. Just seat me in that decrepit booth in the corner. Toss me a box of tissue and a bottle of booze. Got any soda crackers? I’ll be just fine. All one of me.”

Oh, quit looking at me with sympathy. I could be on a date, but have you read my dating stories? Check out the archives...See, I don’t have it so bad now, huh?

Sure, I could be with family too, but I’d be instructed to thank Jesus. Now, that’s fine for Christians, but gratitude towards Jesus does nothing to further my dreidle game.

This brings me to potato pancakes. [We're ignoring my dreidle game, 'cuz I'm still perfecting it.] I do love latkes. Those are scrumptious, especially when drowned in the apple sauce-sour cream combination. But have you ever tried making a batch from scratch? It practically takes an act of God. I’m not quite that good.

What’s up with fruitcake, anyway? It’s got no business calling itself a cake. Cake is not ugly or yucky.

Alright, I’ve knocked you down long enough. Come on in, and leave the chocolate-peppermint fudge on the counter. You can come back next year, but only if you bring some more.

It's so nice to see that you are already knee deep in the holiday spirit!

I used to travel a lot and I have no problem eating alone in a restaurant or going to the movies, ON WEEK NIGHTS! Go on a Friday or Saturday night and you're the only one out on date night ALONE... Better to get room service or fast food.

Put me in a coma on the day after halloween and don't wake me up until the day after Valentine's Day...

Holidays make me sad. Everybody has a family, but me it seems. And all the ones that do and should be thankful, complain about them. But those suckers are eating turkey on Thanksgiving and Christmas...I eat leftover Chick-Fil-A (with extra pickles and full fat mayo!!) That's what I call a tradition!!! ...jealous much?

I always look at the ones who say: "table for one???" and say: "NO!!! PAR-TAY of ONE!!!" ;}

Fruitcake IS disgusting! If you lived near me, you could sneak over to my place and hide out, ya know. I promise you wouldn't have to buy me anything or even give me a hug (though I know you'd wanna shower me with hugs and kisses cuz you luv me...heehee.)

I hate this time of year. Being alone sucks and without children there is no real reason to celebrate anything. My dad loved it but since he died I put a boycott on everything holiday related. I prefer the tradition of your chosen people - a movie and chinese food. Now that is how you do a holiday. If we lived closer we could get drunk on cheap wine and argue over the last eggroll.

A friend says she spends a very happy Thanksgiving and Christmas in the local Metroplex, seeing movies all day. Then for dinner she goes to a relative she loves very much, her grandmother, and they have a private feast of their favorite goodies...no turkey. Sounds good.

I have a couple of friends who put out a call for other "single friends" to join them on holidays. One has something at her home (with everyone pitching in with food--very low key.) The other reserves space in a restaurant. Make that Par-tay of one into a bigger par-tay, if you don't like being alone! You'll "make somebody's day," and probably improve your own, as well! Somebody else can make the latkes!