I Guess Malia Obama Making Out With Some Dude At The Harvard-Yale Game Is News So Here You Go

It’s no secret I’m no huge fan of Ivy League schools, but I will admit that they hold the most storied and historic rivalries in college sports. Yankees-Red Sox? Giants-Eagles? They’re both nothing compared to Harvard-Yale. While normal rivalries oftentimes lead to fights breaking out in the stands or on the fields, Ivy League rivalries always spur fights over which school’s alumni can win more Nobel Prizes.

Sometimes through the hatred in the air at rivalry games, love can be found among like individuals. And sometimes, that love happens to have congressionally-approved Secret Service protection.

Malia Obama’s gonna remember her first Harvard-Yale football game — and so is the guy she made out with during the tailgate party! Barack and Michelle’s oldest was pregaming with friends Saturday outside the Yale Bowl in New Haven, CT, and wound up kissing a mystery guy who seemed to be pulling for Harvard, too … based on his crimson tee.

That’s some real invigorating journalism right there. I’ve heard more hard-hitting analysis in the high school gossip spewed by the cheerleaders who wouldn’t go to prom with me. What were you going to tell us readers next, how totally cute he was?!?! Like OMG I can’t even! Still, this is the coolest thing to happen at Harvard since Mark Zuckerberg straight up stole the idea for the same Facebook on which you probably found the link to this article.

I don’t know if I should be impressed by or scared for this dude. Yeah, you hooked up with a former president’s daughter, and not many people can say that. Obama seems like a pretty chill guy, too; maybe he’ll invite you golfing with him and Joe Biden. On the other hand, if he doesn’t like you, he might still be able to order a drone strike on your dorm room.

Either way, I know exactly what I would do if I was swiping through Tinder during freshman move-in day — mile radius set to one, obviously — and had the old leader of the free world’s daughter come up.

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Previously known for being the 4th best improv comedian in the state of New Jersey, he enjoyed a brief career in politics by serving on his fraternity’s eboard until a scandal not as bad as the Lewinsky scandal, but more memorable than Whitewater lead to his resignation. Now, he spends his time making God awful jokes in chapter meetings, rooting for a shitty New Jersey hockey team, and serving on the congressional committee set to determine whether Oprah Winfrey should be classified as a cult or a religion.