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Wednesday, December 5, 2018

Doing Better

I’ve been thinking about my journey lately, and I can’t
really complain. I’ve published three books. I have a sequel in the wings (not
until at least 2020, alas). Working full time has definitely slowed my process,
but even there, I still have no complaints. I’ve put together a book a year
since 2009 plus a handful of extras.

I don’t know how others are doing, but things seem to be
going cautiously well for me. I feel like that’s a somewhat controversial
statement in our current political climate, my home state going through
disaster after disaster, and the actual climate, but things are okay. I know it’s
crazy to say, but I have finally sorted out something big.

When I first started writing and querying, I would always
wonder if my writing was “good enough.” I’d get a rejection and it would say something
like “sorry to say, I’m passing at this time,” and I would say to myself, “was
it the project or was it the writing? Can someone tell me if it’s the writing
or the project, please?”

The funny thing there, is that people did. They did say “your
writing is great, but not this project.” Agents and editors said this a lot,
but it wasn’t enough. It never passed through my thick skull. I always assumed
that the agents were just being nice. When I read reviews of my work, I only
ever found resonance in the negative, letting it outweigh the good reviews,
even though there were more good reviews by a factor of ten.

The problem for me has always been my own demons, but I feel
like I had to go through those things so I could be in this position where I’m
writing what I need to write. I’m telling the stories that burn in me, and if I’m
not marketable right now, that’s fine. The only thing I can control is the
thing I create. Everything else will come, or it won’t. I have no control over
editors or agents. I certainly hope I will connect with them through a book,
but I can’t control that.

I’ve spent my time focusing on craft. I’ve sought out critiques
anywhere I could get them, and bit by bit, I’m starting to understand how much
I have sought agents and editors for validation of my writing. I can definitively
say, that’s the wrong approach. If my words are finding fertile ground in your
heart, I have another gem that’s finally started to sink through my thick
skull: if there is a hole in your heart, no amount of accolades that can fill
the hole. No amount of external positive things can actually give you self
worth.

I know, this got deep fast, but hear me out. I’d been using
publishing as a way to fill something inside me that was empty and broken.
Publishing couldn’t fill that hole. At first it felt like it did, but as time
went on, it became increasingly clear that I was playing a shell game with my
heart, skipping from good review to good review like I could tie the sinking
ship of my heart to the words of a stranger and that could somehow right the
ship of my life. Inevitably, each sank as the feeling of joy wore off, and
worse, my ship got bigger and heavier so the next positive thing I needed to
keep my head above water had to be bigger than the last. It’s a bad cycle.

The truth is, if you don’t feel like enough without an agent
or publishing contract, you certainly won’t feel like enough with it. I’ve
talked about this before in other IWSG threads, but it bears repeating. It’s
something I still struggle with, even as I move forward. So that’s the big one
today. (I’m super excited about my current manuscript! I really love this
story. It’ll be interesting to see how this next part unfolds.)

I'd say that's one scary thing about pinning your hopes on others' opinions - you might think a certain thing will give you validation, but it doesn't and you think "what next"? It's hard to be strong enough to tell yourself that you're good. No easy answers here, but I'm glad you're making progress with the WIP. Good luck going forward!