The door knob rattled matching her own nerves. I force myself to keep my chin and eyes down. Hands in lap. Chest bear save for the necklace he bought me last year on our 3 year anniversary.

The door opens. Slowly. Always slowly. He knows whats happening inside of me and he loves to exploit that. Jerk. Ugh… but I love it. I can’t wait to feel his hand on my chin. Permission to me to look into those beautiful endless eyes.

He takes his time, as usual. He slowly undresses. And stands over me. I don’t know how long this goes on. My body aches so badly for his touch. But I’d just give anything to just look up at him! But I dare not sneak a peak before permission is granted. It’s ok. It makes it better. And he knows it. Oh how he loves what he does to me. Can you imagine having power over someone without even touching them? It’s haunting.

“Baby girl.” He whispers… The huskiness in his voice makes it almost inaudible at that decibel… but I know exactly what he said. I hear it in my sleep sometimes. I wake up in tears when I realize he’s not holding me. But he’s here now.

Finally! I tremble as his hand guides my gaze up to his. It never ceases to amaze me how powerful this moment is after all these years. I couldn’t live knowing this moment would never happen again. This. Like gravity… a law of physics in my life. Always, with no exception pulling me in.

As I match his gaze he gets bigger and bigger. Maybe I do hold some power after all. He taps the side of my face with his growing cock. I follow the cue and devour it. I’m instantly wet. And he instantly snaps to full size. My insides want so much. The desire within me is growing in volume that it consumes my ears… Of course in reality all that is escaping from me are the quiet moans as I take him deep into my mouth. I grab both sides of his hips with my two hands. It came out a little more forceful than I expected it to. I steal a glance at his face to see if he noticed. He most definitely did! He leans down. With one even motion he cups my elbows and lifts me off my knees and throws me onto the bed.

It hit me like ton of bricks last night… or should I say this morning. It was 3 am and what I needed hit me like a ton of bricks.

I need to be baby girl.

I need to curl up in someone’s lap and have them pet my hair and stroke my cheek and call me baby girl.

I want to collapse against daddy’s chest and know that nothing can harm me. I want a moment when I’m baby girl with no responsibility but being daddy’s good girl.

Sigh.

Here’s the thing. Life isn’t bad at all right now. There’s just a lot of stuff to do. I’m starting my own business. I’m making big decisions. I’m making things happen. I’m doing a good job. I’m forging through. One step in front of the other and it’s not that hard. It’s just a lot.

I’m catching myself self sabotaging a little. And I know now what it is. I need a moment of no decision making. I want to be broken and in a mess and just give it all up. For a few moments.

Vanilla monogamy is tough. And I was told after finding my kink passion that it would be. That sooner or later I’d miss it. That I’d crave it. And I believed them. But what i didn’t want to admit was that I might NEED it.

Do I need it? Feels like it. I know I want it. And I know I’m craving it. I know how amazing it would be to let myself play that role with someone I love and trust as daddy. It’s weird to say “play the role” when I would really be it… A little girl in need of some protection and love and attention and security.

So…. mitch called me last week. He said he wanted to start thinking about us maybe sort of getting back together. Vague as shit, right? But… you guys know what I went through. I couldn’t just say no and hang up. It wasn’t just my curiosity that made me say “Yeah, we could talk about that.”

Two days later he texted me and said he was on his way to Little Rock. He had friends to catch up with and he wanted to meet up with me too. Whao.. I haven’t seen from this guy since March and he wants to get things going again AAAAANNNNDDD HE’S ON HIS WAY TO ME???

I didn’t know how to feel. It’s like my feelings short circuited and shut down.

“Okay, yeah. We can do dinner.” Whats the harm in that?

He picks me up. He walks up to me and hugs me and kisses me. Kisses me like he owns me. I’m hesitant, but my reflexes were too slooooow and I kissed back, but it felt all wrong.

It wasn’t til I was sitting across the table from man that I realized just how much anger I have for him. I am so so so so so mad! How could he do what he did? He’ll never understand what shape he left me in. NEVER. I’m sure that forgiveness isn’t impossible, but it surely wasn’t today. We had our meal and I tried my best not to talk about the break up and just talk about us now. And what he was thinking and about his expectations and such.

When I said the word expectations all he answered was that he expected we would have sex tonight (Sunday night). I was a little taken aback as I was referring about how he thought we were going to pick up a relationship long distance and if he expected us to be exclusive or what level of commitment he was sitting on. Um… sex? Tonight? Really? Like, sex with mitch was fantastic, don’t get me wrong. And this week I have been in a MOOD! But… it couldn’t have been more of a turn off. I quickly set him straight on the issue. That I’m unsure of where I stand on the boundary front, but that I wouldn’t expect sex tonight if I were him.

As we were making our way back to my apartment he puts his hand on my boob and tries to start rubbing. I throw his hand off. And he said “what’s wrong babe?” “I’m just not sure about all that. I haven’t seen you since march WHEN YOU BROKE UP WITH ME.” Then he puts his hand on my crotch. I yell “NO” as forcefully and summoning as much authority as possible. And you all know about my submissive when it comes to men, especially lovers (ex or not). I had to dig deep for this, but I was amazed at his forwardness.

He drops me off saying he has committed some time to his old roommate while he’s in town and asks if he can come back later that evening. I tell him it just depends on how late it was… it being a school night at all. I know it hasn’t gone well this far, but I wouldn’t mind another conversation before he leaves town again.

It isn’t til 10 that he asks when is “too late.” At 10:30 I head to bed and I tell him this much. “So… I can’t come over?” “Goodnight.” Eye roll. I’m kind of mad at this point. Don’t tell me you are coming back and then expect me to stay up for you. No sir.

THe next day I don’t hear from him til the evening. He asks if he can stay the night… but it won’t be til late. More committed time to another buddy in a town about an hour away. I said he could… I’m still wanting that conversation.

He doesn’t come in til 11pm tho. I know at this point a productive conversation is impossible. He tries his handsy shit again, and I have to tell him to quit being so pushy.

I felt like the whole weekend was one big booty call. It made me feel shitty. He never once made me feel respected, valued, or cared for… That from the guy that says he wants to try a relationship again?

I feel like if I can control one it might take the edge off the other. I’m still in so much pain. My constant state of being is being broken. My heart is aching all the time. Sometimes its a subtle throb and other times I physically have to stop and catch my breath while holding back tears.

So… Celibacy. 4 months. Let’s hope it’s the road to some healing. Or in the least help me find a better pattern… Find a better MO when it comes to dating and finding someone to spend my life with.

I don’t feel pathetic making that a goal in life. It’s very human. That constant search for my other half. It’s instinctual. I do hope to have peace about it tho. I hope it becomes somewhat less nagging in my heart and brain (and ovaries).

It’s not like it’s my only goal in life. But I won’t deny it’s HUGE! I’m okay with that. But peace would be good. Less pain would be great.

After the date we spent the night together. It was our first night spent together. Normally we do our thing and we part ways for the night. Not this night. He had been asking this for this for weeks. Sweet, huh?

4am I wake up to him on top of me. I try not to react in a panic. I just kind of shoo him off like I’d do with my puppy…. small tap tap tap on his side. He does this not so subtle move 2 more times. Or was it 3? I do the same tap tap shoo shoo. Trying not to make a big deal so I can drift back to sleep. I couldn’t have been sleeping long… 2 hours since we drifted off maybe? I was way out of it. And also way disturbed by how he’s going about this.

He mumbles something under his breath. Something about being a boy and how he’ll just keep trying, poking, pawing, prodding if he stays. He leaves.

He left. After our first real date. During our first actual night together.

I’m a highly seduce-able woman. I mean, to a dirty fault. But there are a few buttons you have to hit first. They are ALL over me, so just pick one. Two for good measure if you like. I assure you climbing on me won’t get you there. Going straight for my un-swollen and un-provoked clit… it won’t help you either. Especially from a dead sleep. It’s hard to even apologize for not going for a round two without the tiniest of effort.

We just had the conversation that night about how I worried about being only wanted in the physical sense. How guys tend to stop making an effort after a few months of a physical relationship. My insecurities were laid out on the table. He looked hurt that I even said I was scared of that being a possibility with him….

Even after all that he couldn’t spend just 2 more hours in my bed til morning light before leaving?

Actions speak louder than words, as they say. And these screamed at me.

In the next few days I told him I decided to go celibate. (I decided on 4 months… couldn’t even commit to 6! But that is a whole other post.) He still assured me he wanted to spend time with me. And because I know it can be a lifestyle change for some I told him he didn’t have to feel bad for seeing other people.

After all, I kind of changed the terms of whatever we are… I went from wrecking ball, only gonna get sex to prove to me you like as you say. So… I gave him an out if he wanted it. And an open option. At least I won’t be worried about my health in the mean time. He assured me he wasn’t dating any one and he still wanted to hang out, date, and get to know me.

We’ve hung out a few times since. He’s tried to make a move. And I brushed him off a few night’s in a row before reminding him of my decision. He looked at me as if I was saying it for the first time. He had hurt and confusion in his eyes. Like I was rejecting him personally. I feel okay making a selfish decision like this. And I understand it would be hard not to take it personal. And I know some part of him thinks he can seduce this decision away. (And don’t get me started on this issue. That one is definitely another post on it’s own.)

We had a date with our dogs at the dog park set up for the following day, for yesterday evening… but he bailed. Coincidence?

So I’ve had an interesting thought swimming in my brain the last few days.

A dude cleanse.

And I don’t mean friendships. Or dates even. Strictly sex. I haven’t made anyone wait since I’ve been divorced. No one. Why? Because I’m a dude. I want it more than they do. But look at this pattern I’ve got myself in.

He wants to be my daddy. And I’d love that. He would be a good one. I know he would be. One major catch tho. He works in Tokyo and travels a shit ton. I need some skin on skin time to know whether I can have him as my daddy on a permanent basis. Could I handle being collared by someone so far off?

panman

He wants to scene me. And that is all we would be. Play partners. Him and mommy are still together and seem to be doing good I guess. I wish they would just close off their relationship and he would stop tugging at me. I want to scene with him. I just know that it’ll be more drama than its worth. I don’t want mommy mad at me. panman wants me to be a permanent fixture in his life, but how can that work. Counter intuitive to this particular blog post, I’m completely monogamous when my heart is involved.

Trip

Some desperate guy that messages me randomly and I don’t know why. He says we should hang out but then never follows through. More of an annoyance actually. I think I’ll ghost him. I don’t normally do that, but he is so so random. I don’t understand how someone I don’t know at all will come at my beck and call… any time of day or night. Wish I could say I haven’t tested him on that… I don’t know him that well, but he’s handsome and nice and strong and has a good job and all this surface stuff that makes the desperation vibe feel out of place.

coach

This guy lives 2 hours away and works 1 hour away. He expects me to always do the leg work. “come see me.” Boy, please! I ain’t that desperate. Plus, if I go down there I KNOW that he’ll want me to pay for a hotel room because he lives with his brother and heaven forbid anyone know I exist. He thinks I’m an idiot. He’s the biggest mooch I’ve ever dealt with. I pretty much just keep saying no.

R

I don’t know why he isn’t jumping at me. He always says he wants to. And he never ever follows through. Normally he can’t. He works to much. But now he has fallen into a better position with more money and less hours and still… where is he? I’d love to try a relationship with him at some point. I just don’t know why he drags his feet. I suppose he could just be a huge liar. And say he wants wants wants us to happen but really could he just be too lazy or un-enthused to make it happen? I don’t get this one. I swear he says he wants me and loves me even. But I don’t know why there’s no follow through. Is he waiting on me? I feel it when we are together. Something good and solid could be here. I’m confused tho. Obviously my reading skills are off on this one. But surely that connection I feel isn’t fake. That would be hard to fabricate, right?

trey

Oh trey. Gah, you are growing on me. I haven’t seen him since Sunday and truth be told I kind of miss him.

stephen

What in the world are you doing messaging me. You live in Ohio. lol I don’t get it. Just boredom??

m

Why do you have to string me along. I had (have?) so much love for you. The what ifs… and maybe down the roads… are driving me insane. I wanted that with you… want? Last June I wouldn’t given ANYTHING to have it. And still you say let’s try in the future.

—-

I’m so jumbled up by mitch. I feel like I’m clinging and could cling to anything right now. I feel like Velcro. I could stick to anything. And things are sticking to me. And all that’s happening is I’m getting a little dirty. Sigh. My nerves feel shot. I feel all over the place. flailing. I’m sad. I just thought mitch was going to be it… now I’m in the muck again. And I’m allowing all of it to happen. I am letting myself become this girl. Some of it is fun, but mainly I’m just passing the time. I’m just covering up the hurt I feel. I’m using and being used. I know I am. I just… don’t know what else to do right now. Feels like I can’t help but go down this path…

I’m on self destruct mode. I need a handle on at least the food. R has agreed to help me with that. I always love when a Dom is going to take control for me in that department. I have no control. I still wear his marks. I’m beginning to think they are permanent.

The trickiest part of wearing his marks is maneuvering them around Trey. I’ve walked the edges of bdsm in our conversation. He knows I’m into something of the sorts. But he doesn’t know I’m an active participant right now. And even with all the honestly I’ve done I haven’t explicitly said that I might be having/had sex with someone else too.

I’m honest in the fact that I want to keep it casual while I’m living on Heartbreak avenue. But to be honest, I don’t know that I’d be interested if I wasn’t suffering right now.

He’s a great guy. He’s funny. He’s sweet. He actually makes enough money to support at least himself. He’s happy. He’s quick to compliment. I haven’t had this great of a combo in quite a while. QUITE!

Such a girl move to not be interested in the guy that would be perfect, huh?

Anyway, back to the self destruct topic. Just feeling out of control. Not sure what I need to reign it in. I guess there is a sort of cycle about the chaos… The next step in this cycle is some sort of simplification. Cut the extremities. But I’m just so sad and can get a little lonely. It’s hard to cut that off. I’m being incredibly selfish right now. Ugh. I hate when I have to go find my big girl panties.

When someone doesn’t see you as an individual. You are a body part. You are a female place holder. Anyone could fill this void. Not even a warm body is a requirement.

2.

When you are being used by someone who cares and appreciates you. They are using you in a dirty, degrading, fuck-toy way but they value that you let them do so. The using is going both ways. And really, you aren’t being used at all. It’s just an illusion. It’s kink. It’s sexual preference.

Don’t come at me if I could be replaced by any face or body or blow up toy. If you care then I will give you anything and everything. Nothing I wouldn’t be willing to do to make you happy. NOTHING. All you have to do is be inspired (by me) to want things. And I’ll be inspired (by you) to hand it to you.

This post is inspired by a guy I barely know. I get a few superficial messages from him a few times a week… I went on two dates with him before he left town for work. He asks for pics. There’s no effort in it. All taken for granted. He expects it. I hate that. Show me you care. Just a little. Ask me how my day was. How my week is. How my heart is.

I’m a slut in the fact that I love sex and the dirty kind and a lot of it. But not in a way that I’ll just break it off at your command with no forethought or care for me. Even my rebound neighbor has to try harder than that.

Truth is I’m feeling a bit disposable today. And that’s not a nice feeling. It’s not one that makes me feel like I have worth.

Self doubt, self love, and self worth have taken a nose dive. And I know… I’m just heartbroken. I’ll be okay.

Yeah, I crave company. I crave not being alone. But I don’t need anything that’ll make me feel more disposable and more broken. At least there’s still a shred of self worth enough to know I could make this worse.

And it’s my own damn fault. I should’ve stayed under the radar for a few more minutes. I mean… some of these are just coincidences… the universe sent out a vibe on me…. pulled them all in.

It’s too easy to lean on this attention. But it’s not helping anyone. And these guys don’t care about me. I mean, they can say they do. But where have they been? where do they go? i’m no one’s priority. I’m not an idiot.

I went to a party this weekend. One of my guy friends… who has quite literally made his way around my entire friend circle to some extent was all over me on saturday night. I know this guy… so I just took the attention and flirted back. It’s not harming me what so ever. I have his number. This will roll right off my back. Slick as a dick… Whoops. Typo. Slick as a D-U-C-K.

It turned into a hot tub party. So… I’m not gonna lie… it got steamy. It was turning into a more fun night than I expected. I knew that this was all tease. I had no intention of following this through. It would be a bit desperate on my end for sure. Like, I said… he’s gotten around my friend circle… and even if he only got all the way with one, he has tried to get with all of them in one way or another.

This guy is HOTT. Bicep for daaaaays. That is a weakness of mine FO SHO! So, yeah… I’m soaking this up! He got a bit too close a few times… too close for being in public anyway. I had to literally back up a few times. I’m sure we looked pretty trashy. But EVERYONE was wasted.

I heard he was dating someone that I didn’t know, but I know this guy. If he is dating someone, he’s not committed. And she knows it. He’s open like that. Super casual. He just is. Anyway, he’s all up on me in the hot tub when his current main squeeze shows up! Whoops! I have no idea if she saw us. Or if she cared. Or whatever. I don’t think he knew she was coming. I certainly didn’t!

I do know that he’s got to look like an ass to all his other friends. I mean, he wasn’t shy about being all up on me the ENTIRE night. I took my cue… I got out of the hot tub and joined the gay guys in the kitchen… It was fun too. But he didn’t waste any time letting her fill the spot I was currently in.

Like the rest of the raining men.

Over all the night was pretty fun. But I cried all the way home. I miss mitch so fucking much. The pain is overwhelming in some moments.