Question: My 14-year-old son knows the rules. He can’t go over to someone’s house for a party or group gathering if the parents aren’t home. One night, my son asked me if he could go to a friend’s house with a few other kids. I told him to check with his friend to confirm that her parents would be home. He claimed that they would be. I also told him that it is his responsibility to call me if he arrives at the get-together and the parents are not home. Should I trust my son, or should I call the parents in advance and confirm that they intend to be home?

Answer:I have a mantra that I tell all the kids with whom I work: “When your parents aren’t anxious, life is beautiful.” I refer to this mantra because in this situation, your anxiety is likely to get the best of you and your son.

This is a good opportunity to sit down with your son and define the rules more clearly. Let him know your concerns. You may even want to re-write the rule on the spot. While the intent of the rule is good, how you or he will go about determining whether parents will be present is vague. It also puts a lot of responsibility on your son to blow the whistle on an unchaperoned get-together, which is difficult when peer opinion means so much.

Consider taking the pressure off of him by letting him know that you will monitor these situations. Explain that whenever he goes somewhere, you might check around. He may at first take offense at your “lack of trust,” but let him know that your job is to ensure his safety. You can trust him and monitor his whereabouts, either from afar, by calling other kids’ parents to corroborate stories, or up close by taking a drive past the home. If the situation is as he says, then everyone wins. If it is not, he can blame his hasty exit on your check-up. If the idea of your drive-by monitoring upsets him, offer your alternative to monitor from afar and leave the choice up to him. He’ll feel somewhat empowered, and at the same time, it will relieve your anxiety.

It’s a great opportunity to teach teens about the Law of Cause and Effect. For every cause (action) there’s an effect (consequence). If the parents aren’t home and something happens, teens could be held responsible. They need to know their actions have consequences. Perhaps, if they knew this, they’d be able to make better decisions.

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