Archive for June, 2009

Wealthy, massively deformed Englishman, Joseph C. Merrick III, today attempted to purchase the corpse of the deceased “King of Pop” Michael Jackson, first offering the sum of $500,000 to the UCLA Medical Center where Jackson’s body is currently being held, then later increasing his offer to up to $1 million. Merrick’s publicist said that Mr. Merrick “has a high degree of respect for the memory of Jackson,” that he “is fascinated by the historical significance of his remains,” and that Merrick “hopes to add his corpse to his collection of rare and unusual memorabilia at his Leicester compound.” The UCLA Medical Center’s chief administrator Edward Davids says they have no intention of selling the corpse, and will keep it stored in their pathology collection.

Simultaneously astounding fans and repulsing his critics, Rev. Smith upped the ante on rival shock rockers last night by performing an on-stage stunt widely viewed as both morally base and physically impossible. Launched on stage from a cannon amid massive pyrotechnics, Smith, naked and covered in chicken guts, proceeded to writhe around on stage for nearly ten minutes to the bombastic sounds of his hit song “Chewbaccalypse” before strutting his way up to the microphone and promptly biting off his own head. Smith’s Dayton, OH, show scheduled for tonight has been canceled.

God has a plan. Our pathetic, puny human minds cannot comprehend the utter and sheer brilliance of God’s plan (and God made sure of that by only equipping us with pathetic, puny human minds), but rest assured that God does indeed most certainly have a plan. And here’s one thing we can know about God’s plan: it involves torture. Lots and lots of torture. Sure, torture is generally regarded by us comparatively dim-witted humans as the most morally vile, reprehensible, and cruel behavior possible. But this must only show our lack of intelligence, because God can’t get enough of the stuff. In our latest four illustrated stories from Revelation, God continues to pour down wave after wave of horrible torments on mankind.