A weekend of undercooked teams fumbling for cohesion

The scene at Old Trafford later if the Maguire/Mina/Boateng/Godín/Alderweireld-less One’s mood funk continues.
Photograph: Paul Ellis/AFP/Getty Images

IT’S BACK!

The Fiver’s entire modus operandi is to shamelessly eke out a living off the back of football, so it’s slightly troublesome that the football – the Premier League football – is back yet we aren’t actually ready for the football at all. The transfer window has only just shut and, even if the José Mourinho glowering window definitely hasn’t, virtually all we’ve got left is to see how everyone does in the actual games.

A fair consensus might be that, for now, not many people will do very well at all. The prospect of sitting through a weekend of undercooked teams fumbling for cohesion looks about as appealing as a trip to the funfair with Manchester United’s manager who, by happy coincidence, gets first dibs at entertaining us this evening. Whoever made the decision to put a grossly undercooked United, some of whose key players only bowled back up at Carrington on Monday, up against Leicester on a Friday should receive a Masters in the art of José trolling; if white smoke from Old Trafford might usually suggest a big new signing, any emissions later will simply be because the Maguire/Mina/Boateng/Godín/Alderweireld-less One is still simmering.

Benítez might start with the one about how his boss, having denied him the funds to significantly strengthen his squad, shelled out £90m the next day on House of Fraser. A versatile signing, House of Fraser should never be underestimated and can do a job in most departments – except on the pitch.

It all makes for a weekend where traditional underdogs – Wolves, Fulham – hold the whip hand while their supposed betters grasp for a way through their mood funk. On the other side of it there is, at least, rather a long stretch of football – whether or not anyone wants it quite yet.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

“My ambition is to transform House of Fraser into the Harrods of the high street” – Newcastle owner Mike Ashley rubs salt into the wounds of Rafa Benítez.

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FIVER LETTERS

“As a long-suffering Fiver reader I’m obviously aware that a) your ability to click send anywhere near the appointed 5pm is roughly zero and b) your desire to clock off early doors in order to hit the tin means that said clicking almost always happens somewhat prematurely. However, choosing to click send at 4.14pm on a transfer deadline day which unusually had a 5pm cut-off is up there with Diana Ross in 1994 as an #epicfail” – Nick Payne.

“You know it’s been a cracking transfer window when the only positive story, quote, bit or bob in the last two months is about your captain’s fiancee giving birth to their second child” – Graham Haslam.

“Has Noble Francis been given an extended summer holiday because of the World Cup?” – Jason Steger.

BITS AND BOBS

Maurizio Sarri has rolled out the welcome mat for Kepa Arrizabalaga by telling the £71.6m goalkeeper he is not as good as his predecessor Thibaut Courtois. “For the moment he’s not Courtois, for sure,” said the Chelsea manager. “I hope he can improve very fast.”

Mr Roy has signed a one-year contract extension to keep him at Crystal Palace until 2020. “It is a club that has been close to my heart since I was a youngster growing up in the borough of Croydon and, having stood on the terraces in the 1950s, it is a wonderful thing to be managing my boyhood club all these years later,” he droned.

Pep Guardiola is unhappy with Argentinian FA top suit Claudio Tapia after claims Manchester City’s manager was approached to be Argentina’s coach but earns too much money to be a candidate. “I’m a little bit disappointed because he cannot say, the president of Argentina, that I cannot contact Pep because his salary is amazing, to know that he has to know my salary,” Guardiola bridled.

Barcelona have made Lionel Messi feel even more special by making him their new captain, replacing the departed Andrés Iniesta.