December 6, 2012

And now, a very special pre-holiday present for my readers: a piece of writing that may or may not have been published in a humor zine back in 1995.

(Just found it amongst other files - cannot trace to whether it was presented elsewhere).

Either way, here's a glimpse into my mid-20s mindset; all grammar and punctuation kept as is.

Enjoy!

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SCROOGE WAS RIGHT!Most people, when they celebrate Christmas, usually put on someinspirational music like "Silent Night", or "Twelve Days of Christmas", or THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY CHRISTMAS album, I usually crank up "Don't Believe in Christmas" by the Sonics, or "Christmas in Prison" by Willie Nelson, or even Monty Python's "Christmas in Heaven". Call me cynical, but Christmas ain'twhat it used to be.Sure, I got a lot of loot Christmases past, and there are good things about Christmas (free stuff, the birth of our Savior, and that song where the dogs bark "Jingle Bells" all easily come to mind), but my attitude these days is more Ebenezer Scrooge than Bob Cratchitt.First, Christmas comes earlier and earlier. Stores usually begin putting their Christmas stuff up in late July/early August, and then before their Halloween stuff. I say, let's just change Christmas to August and be done with it. Besides, it's a lot warmer, you don't have to worry about snow, and I personally would love to have a scantily clad Playboy Playmate in mystocking. It's really hard to take Christmas seriously when, in September, Carson Pirie Scott & company does their window display, and all the people stand and stare like sheep. It makes it hard for a guy like me to visit all the naughty bookstores.Another thing I don't like, quite frankly, is this whole "let's be nice to the world" attitude around Christmas. Sure, yeah, I'm all for being nice to the world, but it's out of a "if we do nice stuff, we'll get nice stuff." Parents, let me give you this advice--if your kid acts perfect from November through December, he wants something. Just make sure that they behaveJanuary through October. Also, ladies and gentlemen, there are poor people and depressed and lonely people the other months of the year. Live the Christmas spirit all year, people.Thirdly, everyone wants to get into the act. Do we really need more lame-o Christmas albums? (I'm looking forward to Pearl Jam's Christmas With Vedder. Eddie, get a life and a friend, pal). And if I see one more TV show rip off "It's a Wonderful Life" (which, as a movie, stinks) and/or "A Christmas Carol" (Charles Dickens should rise from the dead every time this really excellent book is butchered by some hack screenwriter), I'm going to goTerry Rakola on someone's heinie. (If you can catch that reference you win....an actual autographed letter from me. Maybe even a two page letter).Basically, I think Christmas has gotten way out of hand. I mean, I realize that a baby isn't as aesthetically pleasing as a fat guy in a red suit who, any other time of the year, would be charged with breaking and entering, but people have lost the point. Christmas isn't about one day, it's about a way of living every day. People who act like total inconsiderate fill-in-your-own-obscenities-here decide that, on one day a week, they are the most humane. It's kind of like adopting a child for one day, and dumping it back at Dr. Satan's House of Child Abuse for the rest of the year. It's got to stop.Do I like Christmas, the holiday? Not really, since there's a lot of hullabaloo about it. But as a spirit, a way of being, I dig it. People, pretend every day is Christmas, and we'll all get along, and be nice to each other, and stop wars and stuff.God bless us, every one, except for that Urkel dude. He annoys me.

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NOTE: After reading this, I am honestly surprised I lived into 1996 and beyond.