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Nota Bene

Our modern relationships have nothing to do anymore with the one our grandparents, or even our parents went through. Years of fights for equality have completely changed the relationships between men and women. Sometimes for the best, sometimes for the worst.
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Exploring the highs and lows of relationships

The one

Recently, one of my friends told us she’s pregnant. It’s been only seven months she’s dating her man, and she’s four months pregnant. Of course, it’s an accident. But she decided to keep it. Her man has been really understanding and caring for her since the beginning, and he didn’t run away when he learned the news. But she’s not that happy. When they started dating, she said that she wasn’t sure he was the right guy for her. “He’s not the guy I’ve dreamed of all my life. We don’t have great common points together. We don’t share the same idea” she told us. We replied that he was caring and there for her. Not every man can do this. Yet, I do understand why she’s a bit worried. I suspect she’s not that in love with him. She let herself be loved.

Does it mean we can’t really have the person we’ve been dreaming of all of our life? It depends. I asked around me when people noticed their significant other was the one, and this is what I got.

“It wasn’t obvious at the beginning. We did get along really well, but I never thought I could say he was the one. After one month we spent together, I had to undergo a heavy surgery and stayed three weeks at the hospital. He spent the whole period sitting next to my bed and cheering me up during that time. That’s when I knew that I should never let him go” D., 33, said.

“I knew it the day we ran into each other for the first time. But the time was wrong at that moment. I just had a miscarriage, and one of my friends died. I was completely lost and hated myself. Plus, he was married, and so was I. I was torn between all kind of feelings, and I kept on pushing him back. But he wasn’t the kind of men to be easily discouraged. And even I did hurt his feelings a lot and he felt forced to punish me back for that, we couldn’t get enough of each other and felt miserable when we were away from each other. I realized I had to work on my self-esteem to get out of this situation. Once things were clearer in my mind, we decided to give up the fights, and to give it a go. It took us almost two years to get together. But I know he’s the one, the man I’ve been dreaming of” J., 30, said.

“I had a list of requirements for my significant other, but I never met any man who could match those. After years of disappointment, I decided to lower these a bit. I just expected him to treat me like a gentleman would do. And even with that change, he still wouldn’t show up. Until I met J. He wasn’t that handsome, but he made me laugh and treated me like a princess. He’s there for me, and that’s what really matters” O., 34, said.

“The truth is I never had a clear idea of what I wanted. I had a lot of boyfriends who kept on disappointing me and didn’t treat me well. Until B. came into my life. He put a real mess in it and forced me to change, but to change for a better. During that time, he was there, never criticizing me, cheering me up. Nobody has ever done that with me. I knew he’s the one”P. 31, said.

I am one of the lucky ones. After a 10 year marriage that wasn’t meant to be, I found my soulmate. Yes, I found that one person that I can and will spend the rest of my life with. It’s not easy though and noone should think it is. It takes work. I don’t mean that the relationship takes work (though that is always true of any relationship worth keeping) but I mean that it takes work to find that one special person.

The biggest mistakes I think that people make are that people don’t know themselves and they don’t know what they want. If you want something, anything in life then how can you achieve it if you don’t know what it looks like, you don’t know what kind of characteristics it has and you don’t take your time finding it. As a Rhode Island Divorce lawyer I see too many people broken up physically and emotionally over relationships that didn’t work because they didn’t know themselves or what they wanted in a mate. How can you aim for a target (let alone hit it) if you don’t know what the target looks like?

In short, you can’t!

Yet with all the people in this world, your special someone is most likely out there just waiting to be found or is looking for you right now.

I found my Mrs. Right by taking a long 4 day weekend and working on it. I took the first two days to understand and write about myself. In the first two days I wrote all about myself. I looked at my pros and my cons, my strengths and my weaknesses and everything from my hair color to my body type and my underlying beliefs about life and religion. In the second two days I wrote about Mrs. Right. I wrote about the things she would have to believe in for a relationship between us to work, how she would want to be treated, how she would want to be treated, her hair color, eyes, family values and everything down to the littlest detail.

I knew myself and I had my target. One day I met a woman over coffee who had many of the external qualities. The coffee lasted 6 hours. The chemistry was there, now it was just a matter of learning about this person and whether there was enough of my target soulmate to make things work. As each day followed, I took time to get to know her and she helped me get to know myself even better.

I wasn’t going to “settle” for anything less than my soulmate. I had been unhappy for a number of years in a very difficult marriage and I refused to go through that again.

Three months later, I married this woman. In two months we have our 10 year wedding anniversary and it feels like we just met yesterday.

I can only hope that everyone else finds “The One” that is right for them. Just remember, if you don’t know where the target is or what it looks like… how can you ever expect to hit the bulls-eye?

Why don’t women find their ultimate mate? For the very same reason many men don’t… they don’t take the time necessary to know themselves thoroughly and then know what they are looking for in that ideal mate.