The Secret to a Happy Marriage: For Women

Make your husband your priority.

The market for marriage advice seems bottomless. I myself have written more articles than I can count on the topic (and I will probably continue to write more!). I have studied the love languages and the personality types and read book after book after book. But it recently it occurred to me that perhaps it can all be boiled down to one idea, from which everything else flows:

Make your husband your priority. Before your job, before your community work, before your children (gasp!), before your girlfriends, before your sleep (!), before your….

This is THE secret to a happy and successful marriage. (If I could bottle it, I would make a fortune). But, like much of Jewish wisdom, this is a simple concept to grasp and a difficult one to implement on a daily basis.

What does it look like practically?

Before your job: Yes, you need the income. Yes, in order to receive your salary, you need to do good work. But work needs to be left at the office. Your husband should not feel like he is competing for your attention with the brief that is due the next day. You may get more external reward for successfully completing a project in your workplace but your real effort belongs at home. It’s a funny thing; my husband frequently counsels men that when their wife calls them at work, they need to take the call (sometimes the obvious needs to be stated!) and they need to switch gears to husband mode. The same is true for us. No deadline is more important than our husband’s needs, our marriage’s needs.

Before your community work: We don’t have to be like Mrs. Jellyby in Bleak House to be guilty of neglecting our family for the “greater good.” Popular wisdom has it that women have a hard time saying no. I don’t have the scientific evidence but speaking from personal experience, that seems to be true. There are so many good causes out there, so much need within the Jewish community and the broader world at large. It’s good to give, it’s important to give; it’s setting a great example for our children. But only if we have the time and energy to do it with no cost to our marriage. If our work for the community starts to take precedence or takes a toll on our relationship with our husband, we need to pull back. It’s difficult. There are no plaques for being a good wife but this is the relationship that will outlast all the dinners and galas and other fund-raising events. I’m not putting down community work. I think it’s crucial and I like to think I am doing some myself but we need to keep our priorities straight.

Making your husband your priority is the ultimate expression of true love.

Before your children: This is a very difficult area but essential. We can’t ignore our husbands to focus on our children. It is not healthy for our marriage and it is not healthy for our children. They need to learn that the world does not revolve around them and they can be patient and wait while their parents are talking. Obviously we have to use age-appropriate judgment but I’ve heard mothers of infants explain that they need a few hours a day to play with the baby and therefore have no time for their husbands. This may be radical but very young babies do NOT need a lot of play time. They are content to sit/sleep on your lap while you converse with your spouse. A stable, happy home is a much greater gift to your children than an extra 15 minutes of floor time.

Before your sleep: This needs its own category because we are sometimes sooo tired that it’s hard to function let alone give our husbands attention. But we need to combat this. We need to find time every day to connect, to pay attention, to focus. We need to stay alert to hear about his needs and his day and we need to also conserve energy (take a nap!) in order to preserve the intimacy in our marriage. This is not an area that can be neglected until the children are older.

Before your needs: This is a broad, all-encompassing category which really suggests the attitude we should have. We want to give to our husbands. We want to do what they need or require, not in order to get back but because we care about them and this is an expression of love. It’s not difficult to rise above our own needs to take care of our children. Our many sleepless nights attest to this. But, when it comes to our marriage, to our most crucial relationship, we seem reluctant to make the effort. And we start to keep score. (Would anyone ever think of keeping score with respect to their children? Of course not. We know it’s a losing battle!) The true secret to a good marriage is to be a giver. Barring abuse and severe psychological disturbance, this will work every time. To paraphrase the Talmud, if you attend to his needs, then he will attend to yours. But it only works if that’s not your goal, if your goal really is to give to him.

Making your husband your priority is the ultimate expression of true love. Otherwise we are just fooling ourselves and it is really about me. Like I said, it’s simple to grasp but really difficult to implement.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

Visitor Comments: 24

(17)
Anonymous,
December 29, 2013 6:18 PM

What about learning

I am addressing husbands that are not learning fulltime. My husband, since we recently relocated and, for intents and purposes are retired, has taken to learning with incredible dedication. When he comes home he listens to shiurim online. I am SO THRILLED for him, but it has taken some time away from what I was hoping would be an "abbreviated" "shana rishona" since we really didn't have one when we were first married. I encourage him because I see how happy it makes him, but he does participate in other things as well. But his learning has taken over any chance to schedule time together. I tried suggesting we learn something together, but we can't find a mutual sefer/topic. Does anyone else have this issue?

HK,
December 30, 2013 8:14 PM

Uncommon Sense

You may find this interesting to hear since these kind of things are not typically said in the Jewish world (especially the mainstream one). It's interesting how many of us run to do things without actually considering if it is something God wants us to do. There are most certainly cases where if a husband learns throughout the day (which is commendable providing its legitimate and not causing stress to the family) he may have to take a break (so-to-speak) in order to spend time with his wife. God does not want us to get married and then involve ourselves in activities (even holy ones such as praying, learning, working on our character traits etc.) to the point that the marriage is not being properly tended to. When I first heard of the concept it took me a while to realize just how true it is. Everything we do boils down to "Is this what God wants me to be doing right now?!" I think many people would be surprised how their lives/marriages would improve if they considered that before deciding to do something (even a mitzvah)

As a disclaimer, I am certainly not one who knows enough to give advice, these are ideas I have heard from the Rabbi's I trust when it comes to advice.

(16)
Anonymous,
December 22, 2013 4:57 AM

My wife is in the marriage for herself

Thanks Emuna. My wife is surely not in this marriage to give to me. It's all about her. Thanks for clarifying that for me.

(15)
ZZ,
December 21, 2013 3:40 AM

Old school

I had spectacular 28 years of marriage, my husband was always the first, before me. But, he knew how to appreciate me too.You have to be compatible, we were. He fought cancer,I was there, as his rock. Takes two to tango, let the woman show the way.

(14)
GINETTE COHEN,
December 20, 2013 6:04 PM

it depends of the personality of the husband

When your husband is totally ignorant of your needs but tends to satisfy only his, when he feels that you belong to him like an object with no spiritual needs, when you find yourself pregnant and totally happy with this new baby who gives you the inconditional love, so you survive by taking care of this new miraculous life and you forget about this possessif husband who is so selfish that he just accepts the situation as it is without trying to fix it. if your husband has to be a priority of your life he needs to fulfill the same standard and obligations.

betty,
December 27, 2013 9:25 PM

I fully agree with you Ginette. It looks like we are neglecting our husbands when the babies come along, but that is not the case. We crave the love and human touch, which we get from our children. Husbands, please note, we are not ignoring you, you are ignoring us. It works both way . How wonderful it would be if couples put each other first and that way when the baby came along, both got from the child added love, not instead of..

(13)
Anonymous,
December 19, 2013 9:29 PM

Maybe not.........

I believe that whoever is is need becomes the priority. If the baby is crying, he/she is the priority, not anyone else. And so on, the weeping child, the confused teen all before any hopefully mature adult male or female! Life is a two way street, everyone requires attention, not just a husband. I recently met a young Jewish woman who announced she had no intentions of marrying a Jewish man! Why? Because, she said, most Jewish men are Momma's boys! Mother's who made them a priority...... so their wives should do the same? Let's get real, here......

(12)
Hanna,
December 19, 2013 10:36 AM

They shall become one.

I absolutely agree with Emuna Braverman.I have been happily married for thirty seven years following the old recipe in Bereshith/Genesis 2:24. It has worked for me and I know that it will work for you too. This is what it says:

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and cling to his wife and they shall become one flesh."

To become one in everything you do is the key to a happy marriage.

(11)
Michoel,
December 18, 2013 6:20 PM

It's good but...

spouses should not be calling each other during work hours. It think this is particularly an issue with stay at home moms. Women need to realize that their husbands have obligations and pressure at work. If a woman calls and then while the husband is on the phone with her, the boss comes over, it forces the man to be short with his wife and that causes bad feelings. Have a specific shot time to call during lunch break and that's it.

(10)
Michael in Minnesota,
December 18, 2013 4:46 PM

Why just women?

I wonder what, if anything, in this articlew could not apply to husbands?

(9)
Anonymous,
December 18, 2013 4:40 PM

Wow

Zvi, I really feel for you. This was an excellent article and you said it so nicely.

(8)
Jaya,
December 18, 2013 7:03 AM

Priority

What an excellent piece of writing . Convincing , correct and worthy of following .

Anonymous,
December 18, 2013 2:00 PM

Excellent article

I absolutely agree - I watched my mother do this for 42 yrs with my father - they had a wonderful marriage - if only I could do so well, still trying :)

(7)
rachel,
December 18, 2013 1:56 AM

why not the same advice for men?

Had you asked my late father for his advice for men to have a happy marriage, it would have been the same.

(6)
Sigalit Shual,
December 17, 2013 10:35 PM

Good article....

...but why not call it "The Pathway To a Happy Marriage"? Secret implies that no one should know about it, and you obviously want every married woman on board here.

(5)
Zvi,
December 17, 2013 10:13 PM

Spot on

Not too long after our twins (only kids) were born, I noticed my wife's priorities had changed. I was patient when the kids were babies, but when they got to be toddlers, I told her essentially what you write here: that a good relationship between our children's parents is the best thing in their life. Unfortunately she did not internalize this and problems ensued. Fortunately for her (and probably me too) I do not want to see my kids only 2 times a week and every other weekend. My wife makes mothering more than a full time job and even tho she's not working outside the home, she is always tired from her "full time" job of mothering. At one point we had a nanny and a cleaning lady and my wife was still a full time mother. She had to supervise the nanny ! And our apartment was still a balagan/mess because my wife didn't have time to arrange things.I think the over-mothering is bad for the kids too, but my wife doesn't seem to understand that either. and seems to think all I want is for her to do what ever I say. I just want healthy kids and a healthy marriage. Fortunately at some point I insisted that we go out to dinner at least a couple of times a month. That's very helpful, but does not change her "modern" parenting ideas.My wife spends time on the computer searching for toys and games for the kids and consults with them about what to buy. One son just today said to me that buying toys is how parents show they care about their kids. All this does not result in the kids respecting her either ... they yell at her, don't obey her and even hit her. She just thinks that's normal for mothers, and that the situation is naturally different for fathers (because the kids almost always do what I say. I want them to be happy, but respect and responsibility lead to happiness and I don't worry that there might be some tears on the journey.

Anonymous,
December 18, 2013 6:34 PM

Get some outside help

You seem to be showing a tremendous amount of forebearance and patience in this situation. I do completely understand how your wife could fall into this trap (kids really ARE overwhelming, and staying home full-time with the kids was MUCH more challenging and difficult for me than going to an office - I felt like I was going on vacation when I went back to work!). Still, I think it's time for you both to get some professional help with your marriage while there's still time to fix it. I think your wife needs to hear from someone other than you that her priorities need adjustment, and you need to really hear her perspective on what's been happening. Choose your therapist carefully, and consider some childrearing classes as well, to help you both get on the same page. Good for you for hanging in there. Remember why you got married in the first place, and make that extra effort to get back what you're missing now. Hatzlacha!!

Anonymous,
December 19, 2013 3:53 AM

Zvi is right

It is amazing how similar our stories are. Except in my situation I also have to compete with a tv in the bedroom full of new shows (I grew up in a family of 6 and only had on in the living room!) and a public library full of novels. I feel that even many religious women fell for the "have it all" mentality and then when they can't handle everything they think they deserve the first one to be neglected is the husband.My mother never worked and she treated my dad like a king, they are still married after 50 years. Not everything is great, as in every marriage, but divorce or separation was never even a fleeting thought. I come home to a person who just yells instructions from the moment I walk in; half the time I go to bed after her because I am trying to finish house chores to help her.I wanted to go to a counselor but she refused, since she "hardly ever makes a mistake". I spoke to a few of my male friends about it and some said they are also in the same situation. They are all hard working, caring, intelligent, and sensitive guys who basically got conditioned to being last in their wife's list no mater how hard they try.Crying shame...

Anonymous,
December 20, 2013 4:33 AM

newly divorced

Zvi's comments really hit home to me as a recently divorced man. My wife always put the kids interests ahead of my needs and our needs as a couple. Intimacy became the first casualty and ultimately the neglect of our relationship killed it.

(4)
Anonymous,
December 17, 2013 9:18 PM

I needed that. Thanks!!!

Frieda,
December 18, 2013 4:34 PM

Great article!

I wish I could always follow this advice! So So true

(3)
Marianne,
December 17, 2013 9:13 PM

Yes!

What a world that this wise advice is so controversial. But it is wise, nonetheless.

(2)
Dr. Bernie Siegel,
December 17, 2013 8:56 PM

relationship and not your husband is first

if you focus on your mate you are ignoring your marriage and your relationship will end. the third entity is the one both should place first in importance and not create submissive and unhappy mates.

(1)
Robin Rosenblatt, M.Sc.,
December 17, 2013 8:24 PM

Good advise

Good advise if both the husban and the wifen do it. It will make a great marriage.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

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