DC Comics: Alphabet of Shame

...and there you go. Not a bad thing to have fun with on a lazy Wednesday afternoon, right?

So, let's see what "Really" happened.

(Following Images are property of DC Comics used for review purposes. Also, they were snagged from all OVER the Internet and emailed to me in many cases by fans, so my thanks go to the anonymous cool people who scan in crappy comics. You rock.)

Arms Fall off Lad. Holy....crap. He's a joke character, I admit but I really couldn't resist.

Hardcore comic book fans disagree with me finding the Black Racer retarded, but then again hardcore Dungeons & Dragons folks didn't always agree with me that their monsters are kind of goofy amazing dumb sometimes. Let's break it down: In the DC Universe, the Black Racer is DEATH. Ok, he's Death the super hero. I kind of thought DEATH from Sandman was DEATH, but whatever, these are arguments for comic book shops to support. Moving on, he's a black man with the name BLACK in his name, which is one of those "holy mother of god" moves you saw a lot in the 1970's that just eased by with racial insensitivity. (Seriously, should I start calling myself "The White Artist"? How well would that go over before I burst into flames?) Finally and most importantly, he's a Primary Colored Idiot who flies around in Medieval Armor, a Cape, and Skis. I'm....amazed.

And yes, I understand that the "modern re-imagining" of him is kind of cool. Final Crisis Black Racer is picture above, who eludes the whole issue of race by actually having a costume that's black.

Secret Fun Fact: There's ANOTHER character called "Brother Power" that may one day edge out Black Racer for the letter B. He's apparently a hippy Mannequin that came to life and well, he's very, very special. If I ever get my hands on his comic books (or scans, why not?) he'll definitely get a tribute, Codpiece style. Until then, apologies to Brother Power fans.

Edit: There's nothing saying I can't change my Alphabet after the fact. I can't believe I did C'est Hay for the letter C. Here he is, the original C in this Alphabet (later replaced, similar to the Juggernaut (Bitch) replaced the Jester (half digested) from the Geek Alphabet).

C'est Hay is an actor made out of hay who holds his audience hostage. Funny and dumb, but not as amazing as something I've already introduced to you guys at length. No...pun intended. As for the Codpiece, just in case you needed a reminder:

He's even more amazing than you can imagine. Check out this article I wrote about him, though, chances are if you're into geeky comic book alphabets, you've seen it already. CLICK HERE, puny human!

Oh Dogwelder.

You're the reason I HAD to do a DC Alphabet of Shame.

Here's Egg Fu, in the least offensive image of him I could find. Apparently in the early days of DC he was just an egg with slightly racist oriental expressions painted on. I mean, can I type "they gave him big Slant Eyes" without a punch to the face? Let's...move on.

I don't really care if Mighty Mouse came out before Fuzzy, Superboy's pet SuperMouse. It's still pretty lame.

Oh man. This was a special find. Sure, he has "Gay" in the name. I mean, when this comic came out it didn't mean homosexual, so what's the real joke here? Am I just snickering at the word gay?

No. The Gay Ghost is a ghost who ENTERS the bodies of other men to fight crime. That's...amazing. And really, really gay.

In related news, I totally know what I'm going as next Halloween.

I really don't want to go into too much detail about a super-villain who gives his enemies AIDS but, yeah, it's totally out there. The less you know about it the better, honestly.

Infectious Lass was really chosen for this because she just jived so well with the HORROR of the AIDS vampire that came directly before her. She's another joke character from the old Legion comics. While I try not to include so many characters that were meant as jokes if I can help it, I think a few of the Legion dorks litter my alphabet. Here are a few that I wanted to include but seriously, enough is enough:

Matter Eater Lad. Weirdly enough this guy's been around long enough to become a "real" character, which kind of hurts my head. He's a guy who can eat anything, like a circus geek in spandex.

You know how Polka Dot Man's entry mentions Plaid? I seriously was tempted to run with the horror that is Plaid Lad.

This is Accordion Boy's only comic book appearance, but I needed to be shared.

If you haven't checked out this goldmine of terrible comic lore, by all means do so.

In a nutshell: Superman is a total dick to Jimmy Olsen. At all times.

And yes, the banner to the Alphabet of Shame is a tribute to my favorite retarded Jimmy Olsen story.

Terrible picture, but Kitten is the kid sidekick to Cheetah from the Super Foes....from the Super Friends cartoon. Obscure, I know, but really messed up if you recall the episode. Heroes with young sidekicks...we can run with that. Fetish-themed super villains? Not so much.

Somehow I don't see her getting invited into the Justice League any time soon. Then again, I'd bet money she could whoop Aquaman something fierce.

While Matter Eater Lad was a fan favorite for the letter M, I had to stick to my guns and go with "Miss Manface" an original character appearing in the fairly recent "Batman The Brave & The Bold" Cartoon. The cartoon actually features several of the retarded villains mentioned in the alphabet and is a pretty cool tribute to a simpler time when comic books sucked and we were all alright with that. Also pictured is Miss Manface's boyfriend, Babyface. Seriously, that crap IS amazing.

Nowhere Man is a lot of things, one of them being a porn star. Since he can unattach his body parts and send them on their own little missions...I can only imagine what kind of adult films he makes. Jeez.

It might be just me, but Evil Shamu with Boobs cracks me up. I can't help it.

By the by, those pictured above are called Shamoobs. They increase...buoyancy.

As far as I can tell, besides a mask, the Sportsmaster just dresses up like a hobbyist and...um....yeah. He likes sports. Apparently. Let's move on.

I don't know why this guy counts as a super villain, but Ten Eyed Man can see through the tips of his fingers. How this helps him commit crimes, I really don't know. On the flipside, I do know that going to the bathroom must be an interesting experience. I mean, if he wore gloves he'd be blind, right? The less said here the better.

I really need to sit down and research who owns the copyright on Uncle Sam some day. This is just weird.

Ok, I'll be honest. I really like the Ventriloquist, particularly from the old Batman cartoon from the 1990's. Still, truth be told, he's a positively retarded character at heart. I still love him all the same.

Oh DC, why are there so many Super Pets?

I don't know if the ability to explode once (and then die) is a superpower or a medical condition. I lean towards the latter.

Oh Yankee Poodle. Why? A member of the Zoo Crew, she's pretty much a joke character. Except...what the hell? Wasn't the whole Final Crisis DC Comic event thing supposed to be awesome? Wasn't Grant "the Man" Morrison behind it? What the crap is this?

Behold, in the final issue of the Final Crisis, the epic crossover to end all crossovers, 1 page before the big evil boss is defeated, we see Yankee Poodle (and Pig Iron & Captain Carrot) fighting alongside Superman to save the day in the final act. I'm....speechless. When I was researching goofy characters, I was NOT expecting to see a super-powered POODLE showing up in something fans are calling award-winning. Grant Morrison is...a fan of super poodles? I don't judge.

Come on. They're the reason to both hate AND watch the old SuperFriends cartoon. You know it to be true.

...and there you go. I hope you enjoyed this one, guys and girls. Until next time, watch out for AIDS vampires.

-Jared

Follow-Up: Regrets, I've had a few...

Whenever I post one of these, folks invariably write in to tell me what I did wrong. I don't blame them, I am fundamentally defined by my flaws. That said, when I replaced C'est Hay with The Codpiece because it was just too blatant to NOT include I had a little quick contest. It lasted only about 45 minutes from start to finish but lots of people wrote in trying to guess who I was replacing and with what. No one got it right but as a consolation prize, here are some runners-up. In other words, folks I'm tempted to include but figured I needed to draw the line somewhere. And who knows, I might break down and replace Fuzzy with The Face. It's pretty amazing.

The hell.

I'm....yeah. Let us never speak of this again.

Jackanapes...a gorilla dressed as a clown armed with a machine gun & a knife.

Somewhat amazing.

I just don't GET Killer Moth. He was created to be an Anti-Batman. You know because the opposite of something is the very thing they eat. Like....Cowman would have Grassman as his opposite. Or my fat neighbor would be plagued by Pizza Delivery Man. Or something like that. Nevermind.