Ugly fat people fearful for sex lives as government proposes minimum alcohol price

The government is proposing a minimum price of 40p per unit of alcohol in England and Wales in an effort to stamp out ugly and fat people having sex.

Ministers say the proposal would help cut down on the number of people who are admitted to hospital as a result of chewing off their own arms after waking up next to a hideous freak with no recollection of how they got there.

Prime Minister David Cameron said the government wanted to reverse a drinking culture that last year contributed to millions of alcohol-related sexual encounters that at least one of the participants deeply regrets.

“The only thing worse than waking up in agony next to something that looks like it was sculpted out of plasticine by a four year-old, is waking up on your own with a clear head.”

However, it’s not all bad news for those people that the majority of society finds completely odious, after it was revealed that the heavily subsidised House of Commons bars would remain completely unaffected by the introduction of minimum pricing.