Holy matrimony, eh? Two souls cleaving together, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others . . . What a cheering thought for a winter's day. You know you're supposed to start this column with a question.

I'm sorry. Why's wedlock in the news, then? Is this another Tiger Woods story? No, Labour and the Tories are at "war" over marriage, in the words of the Daily Mail. David Cameron reckons the government must "celebrate" and "encourage" "a good institution which helps people stay together, and commit to each other". He's promised tax breaks for married couples and those in civil partnerships. Children's secretary Ed Balls, meanwhile, merely says that marriage "is really important".

That doesn't sound like fighting talk. Balls and his department are drawing up a green paper on the family. Rumour has it that it will include plans for squads of lesbian bishops who will tour the country and forcibly dissolve the unions of blameless middle-Englanders.

Are you sure about that last bit? Well, at the very least Balls does not believe that couples should get special support just because they have signed a contract. "You cannot say, 'We will have a family policy which is only about marriage,'" he says. "That ignores the wellbeing of relationships where there is not a marriage, either due to divorce, separation or whatever." Cameron describes this as a "pathological inability to recognise that marriage is a good thing".

Do either of them have the faintest idea what they're talking about? Unusually for politicians, yes. Balls has been married to fellow minister Yvette Cooper for 11 years. Cameron tied the knot with stationery mogul Samantha in 1996.

Do say: "I'm getting married in the morning, ding-dong the bells are going to chime."

Don't say: "I was going to get married in the morning, but my accountant advised me to wait until after the general election."