Hey Jared Kushner, It's STFU-Thirty, AND YOU'RE LATE!

Oh good, Jared Kushner decided to pick today to come out from the hidey hole where he back channels with Russians and the Saudi Murder Prince while lustily fingering the security clearance unlawfully procured for him by an unelected president.

That's just super.

It was at the Time 100 event, not because Jared was on the Time 100 this year, but we guess because he was on it in 2017. His profile back then was written by Henry Kissinger, who predicted he would be a "success." We guess this happened during a part of the event called "The Time 100's Biggest Bloopers, OMG" ... oh wait, hold on, Wonkette has just been informed that Time was being serious when it invited Jared.

Our bad.

Say something stupid in reaction to the release of the Mueller Report, J-Kush:

You look at what Russia did, you know, buying some Facebook ads to try and sow dissent and do it, it's a terrible thing. But I think the investigations and all of the speculation that's happened for the last two years has had a much harsher impact on our democracy than a couple Facebook ads.

You know, that was not actually the question. The question was if Jared might feel like he was being stupid and naive taking all those meetings with sanctioned Russian bankers and looking for back channels to the Russians during the Trump transition, knowing what he knows now. We understand that Jared may not have felt comfortable giving a truthful answer, considering how he probably has a lot to hide, but we are so very fucking tired of Trumpers and their Greenwald-ian fluffers acting like the "investigations" and the "speculation" (read: journalism trying to figure out what the hell was going on) were somehow worse than the actual Trumpo-Russian crimes themselves.

Because, to be clear, the "couple of Facebook ads" were a Russian troll farm operation that was part of a "sweeping and systematic" campaign directed by the Russian government to damage American democracy, as the Mueller Report put it. Those "couple of Facebook ads" were actually a full active measures operation that reached 126 million Americans on Facebook, not to mention who they reached on Twitter, Instagram and probably Tinder (probably not Tinder), in order to sow discord among American voters. The project started in 2014, but by the early days of 2016, the Russians directing the operation had laser focused away from just sowing discord, and zeroed in on directing people TOWARD VOTING FOR DONALD TRUMP (Jared's father-in-law) and away from voting for Hillary Clinton. (Also, they openly acknowledged in their internal communications that they were cool with Bernie in the Democratic primary, and wanted to drive a wedge between Democrats.)

Of course, that wasn't the only part of the Russian active measures campaign. Another huge chunk of it involved Russian military intelligence hacking Democratic emails and releasing them through various cut-outs (most primarily WikiLeaks) at well-chosen times during the Democratic primary and general election season, so as to create maximum damage for Hillary Clinton and help to barely squeak Donald Trump (Jared's father-in-law) into the Oval Office based on 70,000 extremely questionable votes in three Rust Belt states.

Another huge chunk of it was the SEVENTEENFUCKINGMILLION approaches the Russian government made to the Trump campaign, as detailed in the Mueller Report, seeking leverage and sanctions relief and promising dirty dirts on Hillary Clinton in return. As we all know, the Russians had varying levels of success with this. Hey, JARED knows something about those, since he was the target of so many of them, probably because when you're a spy looking for an easy mark, chances are YOU WENT TO JARED at some point in your career! (No really. US Intelligence has intercepted foreigns talking about Jared being the ENTIRE WORLD'S patsy. It is really fucking embarrassing.)

We still don't have all the answers on exactly why Russia's goal of undermining American democracy really found its wings in supporting the Trump campaign, but when you consider that THEIR FUCKING GOAL WAS TO HURT AMERICA, it's kind of alarming to realize that a Trump presidency was a natural next step in Russia's wet dream to break America from the inside out.

We bet a lot of those answers are in the counter-intel part of Robert Mueller's report -- the part we haven't been allowed to see; the part that the 40 FBI agents embedded in Mueller's operation transmitted to different parts of the FBI; the part that deals with the question of whether Donald Trump himself (Jared's father-in-law) is a literal actual agent of the Russian Federation, either wittingly or unwittingly.

Look at this section from page 13 of Volume I of the Mueller Report:

" ... whose purpose was to review the results of the investigation and to send -- in writing -- summaries of foreign intelligence and counterintelligence information to FBIHQ and FBI Field Offices. Those communications and other correspondence between the Office and the FBI contain information derived from the investigation ..."

That's the part most likely looking at questions like why Donald Trump jizzed classified information all over the Russian foreign minister the day after he fired James Comey; why he rolls over like a Pomeranian every time Vladimir Putin walks into a room; why he constantly does Putin's bidding and seems to see foreign policy through an acutely Kremlin-infected lens; and why he -- AND JARED -- seem to undermine American foreign policy at literally every turn, in service of Putin and the Saudis and any other thug dictator who tells them they're pretty.

AND SO MUCH MORE! All the little questions the Mueller Report seemed to leave hanging, they're still out there. Where's the part of the Mueller Report about why Moscow's Alfa Bank was communicating almost solely with a Trump Organization server? And whose bidding exactly was Cambridge Analytica doing? Maybe they're still being investigated ... somewhere.

Or maybe there's something about that in those 12 redacted cases Mueller transferred out of his office, all of which are listed as ongoing in the Mueller Report.

Point is that of all people alive on this earth right now, Jared Kushner needs to STFU about what is and is not hurting America, and stop protecting his beloved fucking Russians.

You guys, hi, hello, it is almost the holiday weekend, so we are going to share you a real video posted last night by "Doctor" Sebastian "Don't Call Me A Nazi" Gorka, that hilarious old knucklecuck. We guess now that he had to give up (or gave up voluntarily!) his Fox News contract, he just makes videos for the Twitter. Hoo ... ray?

Anyway, Gorka is super-excited that Donald Trump issued that order last night, giving Bill Barr all kinds of new powers to expose the Deep State for what it is and PROVE once and for all that the gremlins who live inside Trump's diarrhea are correct when they say Hillary ordered the Deep State to do an illegal witch hunt to Trump, yadda yadda yadda, you've seen these people huff paint before, we don't have to type it all.

Here is the video, after which Wonkette will either transcribe it OR we will provide our own dramatic interpretation. Which one will it be? We don't know! Would you be able to tell the difference between the two? We don't know!

We want to say right here at the outset that we hate Julian Assange. Aside from the sexual assault allegations against him, and aside from the fact that he's just a generally stinky and loathsome person who reportedly smeared poop on the walls at the Ecuadorian embassy in London, while reportedly not taking care of his cat, an innocent creature, he acted as Russia's handmaiden during the 2016 election, in order to further Russia's campaign to steal it for Donald Trump. All signs point to his campaign being a success!

So we are justifiably happy when bad things happen to Julian Assange. We are happy his name is shit the world over, and that any reputation WikiLeaks used to have for being on the side of freedom and transparency has been stuffed down the toilet where it belongs. We are happy he looked like such a sad-ass loser when the Ecuadorian embassy finally kicked him out and he was arrested.

And quite frankly, we were OK with the initial charge against him recently unsealed in the Eastern District of Virginia. If you'll remember, he was charged with trying to help Chelsea Manning hack a password into the Defense Department, which is not what journalists do. Journalists do not drive the get-away car for sources. Journalists do not hold their sources' hair back while they're stealing classified intel. Assange is essentially accused of doing all that.

Now, put all that aside. Because -- and this is key -- journalists do publish secrets they are provided by sources. That's First Amendment, chapter and verse, American as fucking apple pie and fast-food-induced diabetes. And that is what much of the superseding indictment of Assange unsealed yesterday was about. (And nope, it wasn't about anything regarding Assange's ratfucking the 2016 election or Hillary's emails. Why would the Trump Justice Department prosecute anything about that? It's all about the older Chelsea Manning stuff, the stuff the Obama Justice Department considered charging Assange with, but ultimately declined, because of that little thing called the First Amendment.)