Posts Tagged ‘fretting’

I went away last week for 5 days of retreat time on Vancouver Island with a friend of mine. The first two days were absolute bliss…we talked, we walked, we saw the sights together and enjoyed all that the community had to offer.

Wednesday we had a lazy start to the day then went to an open air market about an hour away for lunch and a wander around. Lunch was great, the market was fun and then we poked our heads through a doorway and explored some more market area. When we’d had enough wandering about we decided to head back to the car and meander back where we’d come from.

She was walking ahead of me down these long, wide stairs. There were four of them. I only stepped on three of them. I missed a step and fell hard onto my face. The bridge of my glasses was embedded into my forehead and I started to bleed. A lot. Caused quite a scene at this market. The bridge of my glasses is scratched up as is one of the lenses. I bled for quite some time. My forehead has an abrasion on it. As does both knees and my left hand.

The shock was incredible. I was handed clean serviettes and told to apply pressure. A zipper bag filled with ice was given me. I was examined by two nurses (one of whom was traveling with me). I was asked questions to determine how alert I was. I think I passed them all, at this point I can’t quite remember when I heard. What I do know is that I was embarrassed at how quickly it happened, what a scene I’d caused and what a mess my face had become.

My friend drove us to the hospital half way home. I waited an hour in emergency as the bleeding lessened and the swelling increased. I ended up in hospital for 3 1/2 hours and was treated very well. The nurses were helpful, the doctors were kind. I got a tetanus shot and got to experience skin glue. It burned as it was being applied but has done a great job of keeping the skin together as it heals. I’ll likely have a scar but it will be hidden by my glasses.

The good news is, nothing was broken. The unfortunate news was my body’s reaction to the shock. It’s now 4 days afterwards and I’m still feeling it.

I need new glasses.

The morning after the fall I woke feeling like I’d been hit by a car. Arms and legs ached. Face was swollen and sore. Jaw throbbing.

I contacted one of my Wardens and she made arrangements for the two services this morning to be covered. I slept in on a Sunday, something I haven’t done for a very, very long time.

Yesterday I went for a walk through the community. Not as long as I’d have liked to, but as long as my body would allow me.

So the benefit of this experience was that I have incredible friends. I have the best Wardens, Licensed Lay Ministers and congregation. I will heal from these scars. Eventually the pain will go away. Gravity is still not my friend. That’s not new, but it bears repeating.

Two days after the fall I had to fly home. I was terrified about the stairs into and out of the small airplanes on which I’d be flying. I took my time, accepted help when it was offered and made every single step. Yay me. It’s the small things, you know?

The flight had three parts to it, one of which I had to change planes. And the last leg of the flight was turbulent, but we survived it. After we landed I was helping the lady sitting in front of me put on her cardigan and she elbowed me in the nose. I saw stars. She apologised and I told her she didn’t cause the injury, it was already there. But yes, my nose hurts.

My friend collected me at the airport and I drove home. It was good to rest in my own bed. Bathe in my own tub. But until the glue falls off I can’t submerge my face or wash it properly. THAT is starting to bug me. But the wound will heal, the scar will get smaller and life will continue.

I do want to go back where I was on retreat, but not to that open market again…and I’ll be very wary of stairs, especially cement stairs, from now on.

All my life I’ve been an emotional eater…food was used as punishment and as reward. Over the winter my eating habits were atrocious…I would eat non-nutritional food far too often and usually I’d eat mindlessly. This winter was a tough one because I couldn’t get out and walk, which is one of my favourite forms of self-care.

So winter finally ended and Spring is trying really hard to get to the East Kootenays and especially the Elk Valley, but we’re getting there. I’ve discovered the trail system that links around and through the community. During Holy Week I discovered a new trail that I hadn’t hiked before and I hiked it. It rained and snowed, but I hiked it.

Easter Sunday I went out and hiked it again, and went a little bit farther. Again, it rained, but I hiked it.

I’ve been out every day this week (granted it’s only Wednesday) but each day I’ve gone a bit further or tried a new path or link.

Today was a crappy day. I had an argument with a friend and I can remember a time when I would have eaten my feelings, as much fat and salt as possible…the emptier the calories the better. But today I didn’t do that. I went for a walk instead and had a conversation with them (they weren’t with me, this conversation was in my head). Originally the walk was going to be around the block…and then it was to the end of the street…and then to part of the trail…and instead of turning back I kept going and walked/hiked a 5 km loop of trail and then came home again. I was gone just over an hour.

I learned today that I don’t have to eat my feelings. I can walk them. I’m still learning to feel my feelings, but today I learned a new way to express myself. It may not seem like a big deal to you, yet to me it’s huge.

I am strong. I am capable. I am in control of myself. And my food choices today have all been healthy. This is a good step in the right direction. I’m proud of me…and it isn’t often I say that.

I should be sleeping…in fact, I should be fast asleep in my comfortable bed.

Instead I am downstairs, puzzling over why I’m not sleeping. I’m tired. In fact, I’m more than tired…but here I am, wide awake and not the slightest bit pleased by it.

My brain won’t shut off…I need a dimmer switch, or a pause button so I can properly turn it off and sleep.

The past month has been a veritable roller coaster of emotions…I presided my first wedding and baptism in BC. Both were incredible experiences. I have my second wedding this Saturday. I have been to the doctor to address some of my medical issues and surgery will be needed in the next while. It’s day surgery, but recovery will be at least two weeks…likely in November.

I’ve learned I have sleep apnea and am using a CPAP machine. It’s taking a bit of getting used to, and is meant to improve my quality of sleep, but right now I am dragging through most days.

Yesterday an empty glass bottle fell from the top of the fridge onto my right big toe. It hurt incredibly…so much so that after a few hours I took myself to hospital and discovered that it’s not broken, but there is soft tissue injury. The bruising is horrific, and the toe feels better, so long as I keep it elevated. When I try to walk, it’s not a pretty scene.

I’ve become used to walking everywhere I live…and today I had to drive to a local appointment…which I knew I needed to do to get better, but it sure did bug me. I guess what it comes down to, I don’t like being less-than-abled. And I certainly don’t like asking for or accepting help.

I have incredibly kind parishioners who have offered to help with errands, etc., and me, Miss Independent, prefer to do it myself. Which, for now, I can do…albeit slowly. Under doctor’s orders I have to rest my foot for a week, staying off it as much as possible. I’m used to walking every day and not being able to do that is throwing off my much-needed routine.

Argh.

My Mam turns 80 on the 23rd of August and I am flying to Ontario on that date, spending 6 days there. While there I will see some people, but not everyone I want to as there’s just not going to be time. And as we plan for the celebration for my Mam, I can’t help but remember my Dad and how he made it to 79 11/12. I’m convinced he died because he didn’t want to write his driver’s license exam. In fact, he died of pneumonia.

I miss my Mam. I miss my brother. I miss my best friend. I miss my grands. And yes, I miss many people in Ontario. But Fernie is home to me. I have an incredible congregation and I’m making friends. I have traveled the area and am learning my way around. My sense of direction isn’t getting any better. Every day I stop and look around. I live in the Elk Valley and am surrounded by mountains. Every day they change. They are a part of me. And I can’t imagine living anywhere else.

Perhaps I’m feeling homesick for Fernie before I go back to Ontario? Is that even possible?

After my Dad died I wanted to do something to memorialize his 80th birthday. After a great deal of prayerful consideration and lots of research I decided to get my nostril pierced. It would have driven him batty that I did so, and I must confess, that’s part of why I did it. Every time I see it, I smile.

For my Mam’s 80th birthday I wanted to get another piercing to mark the occasion. So again, after prayerful consideration and a lot of research I decided to get my daith pierced. The daith is the thick cartilage in the ear. Daith piercings have been used to alleviate migraines, which I’ve been getting. And I must admit, while the initial piercing did hurt like mad, I have not had a headache since. The ring that sits flush against my ear is barely visible, but it reminds me of my Mam. I wonder what she’ll say when she sees it?

If I had to name one emotion right now it would be unsettled (is that an emotion)? My pain level is higher than usual due to the healing ear and healing toe. I know my pain will get better just as my toe and ear will heal. I’ve realised that when it comes to personal illness, I’m not the least bit patient. I want to be well, and I want to be well RIGHT NOW.

So I’ve journaled about my frustration, and I’ve prayed. I tried yoga, but hyper-flexed my sore toe when I stood up…yet another brilliant move. I’ve made a list of things I must do this week. And a list of things that must be done before I fly out next Tuesday.

I can do the things that need to be done. I know I can.

But first I need a good night’s sleep.

So, I’ll bid you good night and try this sleeping thing again…g’night.