Case Number 05592

GODZILLA VS. HEDORAH

The Charge

Our environment is doomed!

Opening Statement

A threatening new creature rises from Japan's sludge-ridden Suruga Bay, feeds
on the noxiously fuming smokestacks of Osaka, and sprays an acidic cloud that
dissolves human flesh on contact. Who can save Japan now? I'll give you one
guess -- and no, it's not Raymond Burr.

Facts of the Case

Well, it all starts with an old weather-beaten fisherman who complains to the
wise and worldly Dr. Yano that the heavily-polluted water of Suruga Bay can no
longer sustain fish. He has fished out something, though: a weird and
icky black tadpole, about the size of the fisherman's forearm. Of course, it's
not a tadpole at all, but a strange new species that is composed of minerals and
which thrives on pollution. The tadpole-things demonstrate their ability to
combine with one another, growing at an exponential rate, ultimately emerging as
a hideous giant creature. Dr. Yano quickly dons scuba gear to better explore the
bay, and has a run-in with a man-sized monster that emits an acidic cloud. The
creature grows to a tremendous size, begins sucking down the exhaust from some
towering smokestacks, and generally wreaks havoc.

Now, before we go any further, did you know that "hedoro" is the
Japanese word for sludge? That's OK if you didn't, because young Ken Yano,
perpetually clad in snug-fitting short-shorts and bearing a girlish high voice
as a result, knows threatening sludge when he sees it, and has appropriately
named the odd creature "Hedorah." Ken has plenty more precocious
insight for his doctor dad and, in addition to his creature-coining prowess,
also seems to have a sort of psychic link with Godzilla, who rises from the
depths to challenge this new monster threat. The first encounter is won by our
radioactive hero, but as Hedorah continues to feed upon gunk and grow ever
bigger, he gains the upper hand on Godzilla via a barrage of acidic sludge
attacks, noxious vapor sprays, and an unexpected laser weapon. Just when it
appears things can't get worse in the Land of the Rising Sun, Hedorah
shape-shifts into a flying fright that terrorizes the citizens, reducing them to
acid-eaten skeletons. And when all hope seems dashed, Ken Yano perks up again to
offer a way to kill Hedorah. But will his plan work? Will Godzilla survive this
cataclysmic clash? And can mankind clean up its act?

The Evidence

From the above synopsis, this seems like a rather compelling Godzilla gig --
but, sadly, it's not so. In fact, this 1971 film, released stateside as
Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster, is polluted with so many on-screen
oddities that while you're trying to figure it out for yourself, you'll just
swear that somewhere Gilbert Gottfried is screeching, "What the
f***?!"

The film begins with a title sequence that is a blatant rip-off of Maurice
Binder's James Bond opening, complete with a Japanese girl singing "Save
the World" (in Japanese) amid a hemorrhage of color splashes; she chickens
out, though, by not taking off her clothes. We also meet a would-be hero and
brother to Dr. Yano, Miki Fujiyama, who likes to hang out in cheesy dance joints
hallucinating about dancing skeletons and fish-headed club-goers. (I think
there's some symbolism at work here but you might need to be stoned to tune in
to it; I was sober and completely lost through that sequence.) There were also
several animated interludes clumsily inserted throughout the picture, seemingly
to deliver some sort of ecological moral, that make us wonder if a young Terry
Gilliam made an un-credited contribution.

Adding to the confusion here is the ambiguity over how many Hedorahs
there really are at any given time. By the film's conclusion, it appears there
is only one very large Smog Monster; one that towers over Godzilla. Earlier in
the picture, however, it seems there were two slightly smaller (yet still
monstrous-sized) Hedorahs, one that slithered about along the industrial coast
and another that flew about the city proper; these ultimately joined to form the
larger monster that Godzilla battles to save Japan. (Hint: watch the film with
the original Japanese dialogue, augmented by English subtitles, to draw out
subtleties such as this that the English dub ignores.)

The Hedorah creature looks relatively decent, though he reminded me of a
cross between congealed hurl and a loose bowel movement. As with most Japanese
"kaiju" (giant monsters), it's clear there's an actor crawling or
lumbering upright in the rubber suit (it's Kengo Nakayama for those of you who
must know). The flying Hedorah is just a hard rubber prop suspended by wires
that farts out contrails of acidic gas. Godzilla is presented in the classic
design (this one a bit trimmer than earlier versions) and portrayed by Haruo
Nakajima. The effects which surround these two titans are decent, this time
managed by Shokei Nakano (the legendary Eiji Tsuburyaya had since passed on).
The miniatures are obvious, of course; but the explosions and downtown
demolitions are always a treat to watch. (And how many of us have wished that we
could wreak havoc in such a setup?)

Granted, when considering vintage Godzilla pictures, you never go in
expecting anything that would even closely resemble "cinematic
achievement," but you still gotta wonder what the f*** interim
helmsman Tomoyuki Tanaka was thinking (or, perhaps, smoking) when he wrote and
directed this abomination. This film is goofy; there are no two ways around it.
It seems to want to operate on multiple levels -- sometimes serious and somber,
sometimes playful and childish -- and winds up being an indeterminate mess as a
result, much like its titular foe.

For better or for worse, this new disc from Columbia Tristar Home
Entertainment is one of three new releases marking the 50th anniversary of the
Big G. It's a rather competent anamorphic widescreen transfer, framed at 2.35:1.
The image looks quite clean and crisp, free of noticeable source print damage
and compression artifacts. In essence, it's a rather bad movie that looks really
good. The soundtrack is presented in a Dolby Digital 2.0 Mono mix that's
actually more enjoyable with the original Japanese dialogue than with the
typically overacted English dub. Extras here aren't much -- just some trailers,
including a teaser for Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. (that one looks good), one
for Godzilla the Series -- Monster Wars cartoon, Kaena: The
Prophecy, a CGI adventure, Steamboy, an anime feature from the
creator of Akira, and the perplexing Lost Skeleton of Cadavra.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

Well, in defense of this picture, I suppose you could argue that it's
extremely "kid friendly," though I dare say it clearly underestimated
the intelligence of its pre-pubescent target audience. I screened this one with
a couple of youngsters, and they squirmed frequently and furrowed their brows at
the silly goings-on and the dopey music.

How dopey is the music? Well, each Godzilla entrance is greeted by
daffy-sounding French horns and shrill and silly trumpets. As an ominous slick
of floating gunk and junk creeps across Saruga Bay, it's punctuated by the nutty
biiinnng-boiiinnng of a mouth harp, accompanied by a wistful flute. On
the whole, it's a score more fitting of a Gilligan's Island episode that
an entry in the Godzilla franchise. With this score, composer Riichiro Manabe
has summarily dishonored his entire family tree. There was plenty of action and
other goings-on that would have been better punctuated by the familiar monster
marches and ominous overtures from usual Godzilla composer Akira Ifukube (and,
without a doubt, music of that caliber might have saved this film -- partially,
anyway).

Closing Statement

If you're a Godzilla fan and completist, then Godzilla vs. Hedorah
certainly belongs in your collection. If you're a new fan who's been weaned on
the Millennium Series (Godzilla 2000 and beyond) and are curious about
this radioactive rascal's cinematic roots, check out the first film from 1954,
Godzilla vs. Ebirah (1966), and Son of Godzilla (from 1967 and
finally due out on DVD December '04). Stay away from 1969's incredibly asinine
All Monsters Attack (U.S. title: Godzilla's Revenge). After you've
given those a look, then, perhaps, take a peak at this odd outing, followed
quickly by 1968's Destroy All Monsters.

The Verdict

Writer/director Yoshimitsu Banno is charged with premeditated
misappropriation of a successful film franchise, delivering a product more
noxious than a toxic spill. He is hereby sentenced to 20 years of back-to-back
screenings of Godzilla's Revenge.