Ashley Madison Profile Captions

The ‘Profile Caption’ is a tweet-style one-liner that users enter to describe themselves. It would take a software bot tweeting user profiles once per second 1 year, 2 months, 8 days, 2 hours, and 24 minutes to tweet all of them.

Some users have entered telephone numbers and other personally identifying details into their captions that complicate analysis and preclude our bot from auto-posting samples at random. We’ll be manually adding interesting ones here as we find them instead.

Matching Pairs

We play cupid and try to match up suitable couples

Most Satisfied Customer

“It is my sincerest wish that everyone who uses this website gets caught”

Least Satisfied Customer

“Looking for Honest Man“.

Cockiest Man

“almost fresh out of prison got another 8 months“.

Lowest Self-Esteem

“Even hitler had a girlfriend”

Unhappiest Man

“4 inches“.

Unhappiest Woman

“j m ennuie avec mon mari en prison “.

Cook Spaghetti (M)

“I want to make spaghetti”

Eat Spaghetti (F)

“I want spaghetti”

Highest Priority

“I JUST GOT OUT OF PRISON AND NEED TO GET LAID”

Lowest Priority

TBA

Most Annoying Girl

“Im like Osama Bin Laden, wanted by every man in America”

Flashest Bore

“executive level job, drives a bmw, have a management job, professional level, have an mba”

Highest Risk Woman

“my husband’s in prison, it’s not dangerous unless he finds out”

Best Risk Manager

“I am a Gun Owner”

Most Considerate Man

“Although I’d like to chat, I would also consider an intimate encounter with the right woman”

Most Considerate Woman

“I need it”

Least Believable Cop

“Laidback police officer”

Most Believeable Cop

“Police Officer for night sticking”

Most Obvious Bot Account

“*bleep* algorithm, identify V8.68a *bleep*”

Copyright in the above comments belongs to the original authors 2002-2015, the long-suffering members of Ashley Madison who wrote them into their profiles. Apart from the final one which we made up and it belongs to us. We’re reproducing the others here uncredited (to protect the innocent) for illustrative purposes. They should not be taken as representing any real people. Yes, real people wrote them, but as we all know any Internet forum has a population of trolls among them, and we can only guess at the numbers of people who will ‘role-play’ on a dating site. The intent of our match-making is to add contextual colour in order that we might re-humanize the victims.