It Makes People Squirm, and I Wish It Didn’t!

Stacy Stuff Headline

Depression. Anxiety. No one ever really wants to talk about them. In fact, I asked no less than 7 other fellow accounting professionals who I know are either currently suffering or have in the past if they’d let me mention them in this article, and only one was comfortable enough to say yes.

I get it - I totally get it. Many people still perceive depression as something you can just “get over”. Or as a sign of weakness. Or… whatever. It doesn’t really matter, right?

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote an article about how it can be hard for me to find the time to get in a bike ride every day, and while I was talking to some colleagues, I mentioned that for me, finding that time isn’t just about looking good in my favorite pair of jeans - it’s about mental health as well.

Here’s the deal. I thought I’d share my story with all of you - when I say it’s about mental health, I mean for real. Getting on that bike is the way my doctor and I weaned me off of Wellbutrin.

Depression and anxiety run in my family, and I’d never experienced either until after our daughter was born in 2002. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had a serious case of post partum depression. Our son was born in January of 2009, and it wasn’t until a few months after that I figured out that I’d had it with our daughter - and I only did after I went to the doctor for help.

It took me a while to recognize that something was wrong, even though the signs were there all along. (Warning, this might be TMI for some) I would panic if I couldn’t get to my breast pump EVERY TWO HOURS to pump - even though Arik took a bottle of formula or milk, he didn’t care – he just wanted to eat. I wouldn’t carry him in my arms over concrete - only in his car seat carrier to take him to the car or in the Mobi wrap when I had to go in the basement, because I was afraid I would drop him. Then there was the utter pit of despair I fell into when I thought I might not pass my Advanced QuickBooks Certification Exam. The final straw - or straws, I should say, was when he finally started daycare and I would have these debilitating anxiety attacks if I wasn’t at least in my car to go pick him by 3pm, if not already there by then. For the record - that time came from nowhere. There was no reason that I had to get him at that specific time. Our daughter got out of school at 4pm, and I could pick him up either before her, or after. It didn’t really matter. It was nothing but my depression and anxiety causing all of it.

Another thing? It was really, really hard to run a business with that going on. Self doubt, no motivation. The mysterious physical aches that made it so difficult that I was barely able to get out of bed. I look at my year over year P&L and 2009 has the lowest numbers in the 10+ years I’ve had my business. It wasn’t hard just because I had a new baby. I had plenty of friends, family and a fabulous daycare to help with him. It was the depression and anxiety. I wasn’t working as fast as I normally do, I had to check my work more often, I was struggling to make basic business decisions and wasn’t interested in getting new clients. It was all so overwhelming.

Finally - I went to the doctor and explained all of this, and we decided, at the time, to try Wellbutrin and therapy. We tried a low dose, and chose that one because it had the least amount of side effects. Within a week, I remember texting my husband and telling him: “I love these meds. This must be how normal people’s brains work!!!” After just a few weeks, I noticed the difference. Better concentration, the anxiety attacks were dwindling, I had more motivation and the therapy was giving me the tools to deal with the attacks when they did happen; to recognize and avoid triggers. I was more efficient at work, seeking out new clients, looking at streamlining the processes I had in place, and rewrote the ongoing five year plan I had for Kildal Services LLC.

My doctor had mentioned that because of my family history, I would most likely be on some sort of med for the rest of my life, but at 36, I wasn’t really ready for that as an option. Don’t get me wrong - if that’s what it takes, then I’m a firm believer in Better Living Through Chemicals. However, in 2012, I approached my doctor and my therapist and asked what we could do to start weaning me off. After much debate and research, we decided on a plan that involved drastically changing how and what I eat, adding some amino acid supplements and rigorous physical activity, and the key, we decided, was that it had to be something I LOVED. There were some false starts – like when I hired a personal trainer and didn’t enjoy or really benefit from it, but I finally found that just getting on a bike and going is what works.

For about a year now, I’m off meds. I try to ride 8 -12 miles every day, but that doesn’t always happen. I rarely have anxiety attacks, I’m probably happier and healthier than I’ve ever been in my life. I can, however, tell when I haven’t been on a bike in a few days - less focus, I’m jumpy, I snap at my kids more and slack off from work - I can literally feel myself sliding down that slippery slope. All of that doesn’t mean I won’t someday be taking Wellbutrin, or something else. I’m pretty sure that I will.

Carrie Kahn was the one that agreed to let me use her name, and I thank her immensely. She went through a similar experience as me – she went on meds after her divorce, and with the help of her doctor and exercise, recently weaned off as well.

I’m sharing all of this with you not because I think everyone should exercise to get off meds - that’s missing the point. I’m sharing this because I think depression is a common issue that makes people squeamish to talk about and I wish it didn’t. I’m sharing this because I’m hoping that if you see parts of yourself in any of this, you’ll seek out someone to ask for help.

Editor's Note: It takes a special kind of bravery as well as a concern for others to share this kind of a personal story, and in our opinion that makes Stacy a very special person indeed.

We at Intuitive Accountant hope that publishing such a story will not only 'get the message out', but in some small way help others gain the confidence they need to seek assistance if they are suffering from these all too common conditions.

Tags

Comments (16)

Stacy, this could be my story

From everything you wrote (except for 2 pregnancies) I was saying "Yes" "This is Me too!". Especially the lack of motivation. It's comforting to know Im not alone in this in the world of accounting.

Elizabethmore than 3 years ago

RIDE ON!

Right on; Ride on!

Shea O'Nealmore than 3 years ago

Family and Depression

Both sides (Mother and Father) of my immediate family suffered from Depression. My mother grew up during the war when Hitler reigned in Germany. She remembered her mother sending her to feed the prisioners. Her brother was hidden in the countryside of Germany when Hitler's men came door to door looking to recruit men. My father on the other hand, joined the army at 19, to get away from his alcoholic parents. Then at the age of 46, he committed suicide. My older brother was 24, I was 21, my younger sister was 17, and then there was my younger brother who was 5. Yes, my family has dealt with these issues too. Both parents are deceased. My siblings and I are survivors it never is forgotten and depression can come back.. Today so much is happening to teenagers committing suicide because of peer pressure. The best thing one can do is recognize it and get professional help. During my parents era, depression was taboo and went undiagnosed. Not anymore, it is everywhere. For those who have it in the familes, be aware and take action before it is too late

Debimore than 3 years ago

True Courage

This was a great story of courage and hope for anyone who suffers from depression, but more than that, I admire your tenacity for writing and posting about a topic that would make most people uncomfortable to talk about in public. You are a true inspiration!

Scott Cytronmore than 3 years ago

Don't give up!

My family has issues with depression and bipolar disorder. Cousins have been hospitalized at times. Mom was a Valium addict. Myself, it wasn't until about 5 years ago that my psychiatrist changed my meds one more time, and within 3 days I found myself, amazingly, saying to myself "I think I feel happy?!"In those subsequent years, I find myself discovering attitudes and habits developed during many years of undiagnosed illness and inadequate meds (not for lack of trying - the knowledge and meds just didn't exist.) Too many times I was told I had nothing to be depressed about, get over it. For me, it got bad enough at times I thought about driving into bridge abutments, or an isolated canal and just disappearing.I managed to keep my business together enough to feed myself and keep a roof over my head, but I hurt some clients along the way. I can't go back, so I just focus on taking good care of clients now.I was 55 when I got those new meds, and they're still working today. I knew something was wrong, decided not to have children in my early 20s (that would have been a disaster.)If you have a story to tell, and you got the right help, you'll probably get the same amazed look from folks I get, and affirmation on my persistance in getting help. If you had suicidal thoughts, you know some of the signs - watch for them in the people you're connected to, come alongside and encourage them to talk to someone. Mental health problems are just as real as diabetes - and just like diabetes, they doesn't go away by themselves, but they can be managed, and life can be worth living.I hope this helps someone.

Dieneke Heeremamore than 3 years ago

Now that's good service

Good on you, Stacy, for making a difference in our community.

Lisamore than 3 years ago

Thank You!

Ms. Kildal, this article really hit home for me, I have anxiety and sometimes panic attacks due to having an underactive thyroid (Hashimoto's) and 5 kids ;). It is truly a challenge dealing with it and am still looking for other outlets, besides medication, to control my issues. This just motivates me to try more active outlets. Again, thank you for sharing your battles and victories with this sensitive subject. Take care!

Anxiety

Thanks for sharing this Stacy. I'm sure there are others with the same problem and they will benefit from your courage I. had significant anxiety for years and now control it with a low-dose antidepressant and an anti-anxiety medication if needed.

Karl Irvinmore than 3 years ago

Thanks you guys

Thanks to all of you for the incredibly kind comments. Not sure about brave - it's just that I don't understand why it's not talked about more often. Especially when it's an issue where talking actually helps the people suffering! As I'm entering my 10th year of running my business, I'm finding that it's so much easier to do it by sharing experiences, both personal and professional. Again, thanks so much for the comments and encouragement!

StacyKmore than 3 years ago

An Inspiration to Me

Thank you so much for sharing this story Stacy. I have a family history of depression and I, myself, used to suffer from panic attacks. You bring up a very good point about others not sharing or talking about the subject. I think in certain professions (accounting being one of the primary ones) we have historically been "taught" about professional presentation and appearance. Certain topics are taboo.

Unfortunately, more often than we probably realize, the need to put up a front has caused more pain and unfortunate incidents to occur. We, as professionals, need to reach out to others when we have a problem whether it's physically related or business related.

Darren Sanfordmore than 3 years ago

Thank you for opening up to us.

Thank you Stacy. My mother had post partum depression and struggled with life long depression and mental issues. In spite of my outgoing personality, I realized I have this in common with my mother, and that my default space I go to when things get quiet and I"m alone is depression and it's companion loneliness-my life long struggle. Exercise, periods of therapy (success coaches as I call them, because I thrive when I take advantage of therapists), and meditation have helped. It's also why I like to create opportunities for QuickBooks consultants to get together face-to-face so we can help quail some of this depression, loneliness, isolation, and hopefully create bonds and friendships that help us professionally and on personal levels. Thank you for sharing your experience.

David Gutierrezmore than 3 years ago

Depression

Great article! Incredibly brave, to open up about this subject. I, myself, suffered a massive bout (couldn't really eat...trouble sleeping), once, due to a break up. Neither meds (hated them, but this was decades, ago) or therapy helped. It lasted for about 4-6 months. And, I already had an exercise outlet (avid whitewater kayaker...as in every weekend, every vacation etc...). Maybe that is what brought me out?

Just last night, after a Wednesday of working on various and sundry clients...trying to solve issues, at 7:15 pm I gave up and charged off to a dance class. So, Thursday morning, clear headed, I'm ready to do it, again.

Christy Bertanimore than 3 years ago

Exercise

I totally agree with the exercise idea-and biking is my exercise of choice as well. I live in NE Iowa, however, so it isn't possible to ride outside year round; I put my road bike on a trainer for the winter months. It gets really hard to find the time during tax season, but I am definitely a better person to be around when I can find the time. Thanks for sharing, Stacy, and also Carrie.

Kathy Gundersonmore than 3 years ago

Thanks for sharing

It is indeed brave to share vulnerabilities to a group of peers, especially on a subject that is so personal in nature and not one that is normally discussed in a business setting. Thank you for that. And even if depression, or its less obvious manifestations is not an issue, your message about exercise is spot on. And I just noticed your article on exercise.

Thanks for sharing stories of real-life.

David Glantzmore than 3 years ago

Thank you

Stacy, this is just another way you demonstrate how to be genuine, authentic, and help others become better. Statistically, there may be >10% of the QBPA community that deals with this. Your authenticity is another way you demonstrate leadership amongst the community. Thank you. Keep it going !