Five Ways to Help your Child Wind Down for Sleep

I have a child who worries. She ties herself up in knots over little things and it always seems to become especially overwhelming at bed time.

I also have a child who sometimes just can’t switch off. He can’t lie still, he can’t stop getting up and down, he just can’t go to sleep. And the more he stresses about it, the worse it gets.

When our kids were babies we always helped them to sleep when they needed it. And over the years we’ve come up with several ways to help our older kids wind down and relax enough for sleep.

Here are some of the ways we use to help kids sleep…

Audio Books, Podcasts and Music
This is my go to idea for kids who are not reading independently yet. Having something to listen to and focus on can help quiet and over active mind and over active body. Being transported into the imaginary world of a story distracts you from your worries and gives you something other than getting out of bed to focus on. Listening to quiet, calming music can also have the same effect.

Books and Reading
The rule in our house is that you may read for as long as you like, as long as you are quiet and not disturbing anyone. Yes, sometimes that means my worrier reads late into the night, but we know from experience she wouldn’t be sleeping even if she wasn’t reading, and in fact she would get to sleep later after all the worrying if we didn’t let her read. So we let her slip away from her worries into the world of books until she can’t keep her eyes open any longer and she sleeps.

For younger kids who are not reading on their own yet, we pop a pile of favourite picture books beside their bed and leave them to it. They know the stories well enough to not need the words read, and just the act of focusing on the book helps them to calm down and get ready for sleep.

Drawing or Journaling
Sometimes when your head is whirring with ‘stuff’ you just need to get it all out before you can switch off and rest. I know that is true for me as an adult, and it is also true for my kids. Writing or drawing their thoughts can help get them out of their head and help make any worries seem not so big and scary.

We try to make sure that each of our big kids had a small notebook and allow them to have it and a pencil by their beds. When they are little I just encourage them to draw whatever they want. As they get older I encourage them to write a list of words, any words, whatever comes into their head. It doesn’t matter how they are spelled or whether anyone else can read them, just write. As our girls have grown up they now sometimes use their notebooks to write stories, or write letters to me or their siblings. Often the letters or stories are never read by anyone else but they help get thoughts, ideas and worries out of their heads so they can let them go and sleep.

Being Still
Over the years I’ve found that one of the biggest things that stops my kids falling to sleep is not being still. Tossing and turning, sitting up, fiddling with this or that, getting a drink, switching ends of the bed… when your body won’t switch off and slow down, then your brain won’t either. So anything that helps our kids keep their body still also helps them to relax into sleep.

Being still is not always easy for kids, especially if they have a head full of worries, so trying a few things to help them relax their bodies to stillness helps a lot. A small item to hold in their hands like a soft toy, or a squeezy ball, can help them keep the rest of their body quiet, but still release any tension and movement. An easy relaxation game like starting at their toes and making each body part still as you say goodnight to them is an easy one for kids to practice on their own after a few goes with adult help. Something as simple as asking them to listen to all the quiet noises of the night can also help them focus on something and keep their body still.

Parenting
As much as I would love it to be true, my job as a parent doesn’t stop when my kids go to bed. If my kids need my help or support during the day I give it. If they need my help or support to fall asleep, regardless of how old they are, I give it.

My end goal is to help my kids learn the skills and techniques to help themselves to sleep, but to do that, especially in the beginning, it often means I need to be there there to show them and support them. I also want them to know that it is ok to worry sometimes, that it is ok to take a while to fall asleep, it is ok to find this stuff hard sometimes. It is not something I want them to feel bad about as that just adds to the problem.

Sometimes just spending five minutes helping them calm down by talking to them, drawing on their back, rubbing their feet, reminding them of things they can try, or just being there, reassures them and gets them to a place where they are better able to try again to help themselves towards sleep.

Do you have a worrier? Or a ‘can’t sleep-er’?
How do you help your kids wind down and get ready for sleep?

this is great…i don;t have a worrier but my kids do really need time to wind down each night or the sleep process takes a long time. They always go to sleep to music and we have also found that reading really helps settle them. Adults like to wind down before bed so it makes perfect sense that kids would need that to!

katefsays

It really does make sense. I know that I often take forever to wind down enough to sleep so I have to accept that same trait in my children!

Kathiesays

Thanks so much for this post. My 3 yo has always had trouble winding down & being still. He’s just now at the stage where I’ve been wanting to introduce some more independent techniques for him to use. Will definitely be trying some of these ideas. Do you find that the meditation you mentioned works? (although he might still be a bit young for that)

katefsays

The Guiding Star meditation that I linked to is more like a story than a specific exercise so I find that engages my kids better as they get drawn into the story more easily. I’d probably start with some audio book downloads and see how he goes with listening to those, it can take a while for them to develop the concentration to focus on just the spoken story. :)

Ameliasays

Thanks for the ideas, and your encouragement that it is normal for kids to need adult help getting to sleep sometimes. My eldest has just started school and has a bad case of ‘can’t fall asleep’ at the moment, even though she needs her rest so badly! I’ve been spending extra time and trying to let her relax into sleep, rather than making it more of a challenge in a very new routine.
Unfortunately, talking books keep her brain too busy…but we love The Story Home for talking books at quiet time!

katefsays

My ‘Just can’t get to sleep-er’ also just started school and I think it is all the new stuff and anxiousness whirring around his brain that is making it harder to switch off… so I am ok with sitting with him and rubbing his back to help him settle right now. I know it won’t be forever, and I know the extra connection to me at this time when he is away at school for so long is also a good thing.

Great ideas Kate…my teen was always a worrier as a smaller child, especially after i divorced so i turned to some lovely kid’s meditation cd’s…they were just magical and took her to lovely little places and encouraged sleep so well…every now and then i still see her pop one on now to listen to. She still listens to her relaxation music cd’s too!

katefsays

great to hear that your teen is still using some of these techniques… it gives me hope for the future!

Great tips! I’d really like to help my almost 3 year old start to learn how to wind down herself – at the moment she is very dependant on us to help her, and I don’t mind right now, but it would be nice for her to develop these skills on her own.

Rhythm Kate.
Following exactly the same ‘routine’ every night I find is the most helpful in our home. We have ALWAYS finished with the same poem and song. Every night. It’s gorgeous to watch how it triggers their yawns :)
For those nights when they’re super awake. I begin with five deep breaths, while stretching as long/high as we can. Brings them down to earth and gently creates focus.

I have a little worrier, too (he’s 5). He gets it from both his daddy and me.

I found something that works, completely by accident one night. My little guy was so upset/anxious that he had started to cry. I started whispering little affirmations in his ear, like “you are such a good boy, you are a really caring person, I love you no matter what,” etc. He totally calmed down! I do that regularly now. I’m hoping that it works itself into his inner dialogue as he gets older.

Great ideas. I especially find the ‘five minutes’, okay, sometimes 10, theory, works well with my kids. Just having that time and attention from me seems to help them wind down more than anything else.

These are lovely ideas. I especially like the one about drawing on the back. I know both my kids would like that. And thank you for the free audio download resources, I can’t wait to check those out!
I acutally put up a post recently about herbs and things to help kids sleep especially for those who are afraid to go to sleep due to nightmares. Here is the link: http://mamarosemary.com/2013/02/06/nightmares-and-night-terros-whats-a-mama-to-do/
Thanks!

We have always helped Pebble to sleep, she still likes us to sit with her, pat her or hold her hand. She is a wriggler – the more tired she is the more she wriggles. As soon as I can get her to be still she is out like a light! Great tips, thanks.

Brittneysays

I have a two year old that is hyper from the minute she wakes up (no matter how early) an will not wind down until midnight or one. Nothing seems to help, she’s constantly up jumping or playing. As much as I love and encourage her to be her hyper self, bedtime is always a struggle because she knows I encourage her throughout the day. I’ve tried reading, I’ve tried the silent game, I’ve tried rubbing her back and playing with her hair, I’ve tried everything. What can I do now? She’s not a worrier, she just likes to play.

I’ve devoted more than one of my books to stories and poems suitable for reading at bedtime, for just this reason. We had one daughter who all by herself enjoyed going to bed. The next daughter was more like me — it wouldn’t occur to her to SLEEP — too much to DO! I wrote “I Will Not Go to Bed” and “Pretending Sleep” for her. Pretending sleep put her at cause over lying awake. She was consciously, and intentionally staying awake, even though the rules were that she had to be in bed at a certain time. It ends, “And nobody makes me fall asleep but me.”

Bridgetsays

My son is almost 6years old. He has extreme restlessness anxiety and motoric hyperactivity with tic disorder and he takes 3 hours to go to sleep and only if we sleep with him. My daughter is 4 and is asleep in 10mins no problems! I have tried medication CDs and it worked for the first few times he fell asleep 15 mins amazing but now he doesn’t want to play them anymore! We are frustrated because we don’t want him have to sleep with us to go to sleep but I want to teach him to calm and sleep without us! I read to him he reads to me I spend about ten minutes/ twenty in his room tickle his back talking softly done a lot now stuck what to do!! Please any suggestions??

katepicklesays

Bridget that must be really difficult and you must feel really worn out. Does he see some specialists who might be able to help you with ideas that are more specific to his needs?

Maybe a selection of stories on CD or podcasts if he is over the meditation? Probably won’t work forever but might give you a short term break.

When my grandson is having trouble sleeping I sing to him..old time lullabies, very softly so he has to listen to hear the words. I usually change the words around to make it more personal for him and try to include his name. He is usually gone by the third song.

katepicklesays

I am a lullaby singer too… well I was, now my big kids all just roll their eyes and tell me to hush… unless they are sick or scared, then they are happy to list to my bad singing!

Cindy Dolansays

These (especially the first one) work for me, too :)
One to add: keep the room cold enough, if you can, that a blanket feels really good. I find there are fewer nightmares this way.
If your children are old enough, helping them learn to clear their minds and return their focus to a single thing (e.g. their breathing) can really help (a.k.a. meditation).

Don’t let your children play outside once it starts to get dark, keep the last hour before bedtime calm and relaxed (if you get stressed so will they) and make sure bedtime is the same time every night, with no exceptions, and you follow the same routine.

katepicklesays

Great tips! Thanks for sharing

Roshnisays

I have a 6 year old boy who has a “worry-brain”. What has worked extremely well for us has been: 1) reminding him that it’s his “worry-brain” working, and that’s ok; 2) telling him that being worried is just a feeling and you can overcome feelings; 3) get him to make his body feel calming by taking a few deep breaths and to make his mind feel calm by thinking about being somewhere else – in his case he imagines that he is in his favourite toy store with unlimited access to what’s on the shelves.

katepicklesays

We use your first tip often… I tell all my kids that fear or worry is just their bodies way of dealing with things and that it is perfectly normal and ok. I usually tell my kids to listen to what it is saying and then work out how to deal with it…

Tracey Hutchingssays

Thank you for this post. Sometimes my girls take a while to fall asleep, and I stress about it sometimes. They both have times that are more difficult, but my 2yo in particular loves to take a stack of books with her to bed, even if she can barely read them by the dim light of the hall. One night it was really late and she was still awake… I just lay with her for 15 minutes, and the sound of my heart beating and my arms wrapped tightly around her helped her to finally wind down.

Bridgetsays

I love this read. My 6 year old never stops moving so it’s hard for her to fall asleep. I can’t wait to try some of these ideas this week. Recently I discovered that if I give her two glow sticks to take to bed she will play with them in the dark and fall asleep rather quickly on her own. I don’t do it every night but when she comes out of her room saying she can’t sleep she’ll usually asks for them and it has always worked. She doesn’t come back out again until morning.
Thanks for all the wonderfully helpful ideas

Great tips! Thanks for sharing. I have a 6yr who gets out of bed anywhere between 2-6 times a night. The list includes for a drink of water, go to the toilet (she wants us to take her, even though the toilet is right in front of her room with the light on!), tell us something, too hot or too cold, but the best one we’ve heard was that her eyebrows were keeping her awake! Daddy’s solution…if eyebrows don’t go to sleep they won’t get any ice cream for dessert.

Seriously, we’ve tried her reading in her bed at night, but don’t have a lamp so think we might need to set up a little lamp and bedside table for her, so she can read or journal. :)

Erinsays

Hi all,
Has anyone used any if these ideas with a younger child/baby?
I have an 11 month old who has only ever had success falling asleep alone (or even with me but without rocking, patting etc) when wrapped. These days he is too strong for wrapping and it’s also too warm in his room for that so his sleep has deteriorated massively. U now feed or rock him to sleep and he then wakes about every 2hrs needing to be fed back to sleep (he doesn’t want/need milk, just needs the sucking to get back to sleep – I know because when he was wrapped he happily slept 11hrs with no feed and even before that only woke on e to feed).
So…
I wonder if some of these ideas of helping him relax (he squirms kicks, kneels, thrashes arms and winds himself up rather then down) and fall asleep himself or with me njust nearby?
Any ideas would be welcome!
Thanks.

katepicklesays

Oh I feel your pain, my middle child was a terrible sleeper at that age and it can really get you down!
We use most of these ideas for older kids but some of them could be adapted for younger children. I’d definitely look at using music to create a calm sleep environment and happy sleep association- check out some of the relaxation type music. I’d also adapt the ‘being still idea’ with other ways you could offer that feeling of being wrapped – maybe a sleep sack that encloses his legs, you can even get some that are loose and light but enclose arms and legs, that may help him feel comforted?
I can also recommend Elizabeth Pantley’s No Cry Sleep Solution book if you are looking for gentle options to break the feed to sleep cycle.

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[…] 5. Help your kids relax. Falling asleep is not always easy, I know, because I struggle with it often. Finding ways to help our kids unwind and relax makes it much easier for them to get to sleep. Sometimes it takes a little time and effort to find strategies that work for each child and help them use them, but long term it has made things much easier for us. I talk about some of the ways we help our kids wind down for sleep here. […]