Monday, March 28, 2011

(also "The Night Where Lots Of Pointing At A Banner That Looks A Lot Like That Happened")

Your opener tonight is footage from last week's RAW. Okay. Looks like CM PUNK was menacing Randall K. Orton's wife last week. (seriously? initials R-K-O? seriously.) She is in a large tour bus, no sign of a gym bag anywhere, and she's screaming a lot while CM PUNK looks at her somewhat menacingly. (Funny thing is, this is most certainly NOT the same pair of milk-bags that played Mrs. R.K.O. couple of years ago when WWE ran a HHH/ RANDY K. ORTON half-baked home invasion angle).

When an injured-legged ORTON makes the ring CM PUNK promptly no sells some of Randall's shit and since we are in CHICAGO tonight, PUNK's finisher The "GoToSleep" is cheered mercilessly as it is applied to our alleged face's face, RANDALL K. ORTON. Yea? Boo. Yea, Boo, Yea, Boo?! The waters, they be muddied!

CM PUNK vs. RANDY K. ORTON: MR. RKO will prevail at WM27.

EDGE and CHRISTIAN. Together Again! TONIGHT its the 1st. time in 6 years they are teaming up.! And its next!!!Yea?

Meh.E & C walk the ramp to their respective entrance themes and pew-pew-pyro and their opponents tonight are some Rich Mexican Dude and a Fat Ethnic Guy.

EDGE pins the F.E.G. and Rich Mexican dude runs away. Then he's back. And then he's hurting Edge. And then we go to a commercial.

EDGE vs. ALBERTO DEL RIO for the WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE: EDGE. But X-Tian will turn on him.

Snooki! Next!! Its Snookie and She's SNOOKI Next!!! Snooki!!

And it is SNOOKI! A video graphic of SNOOKI, really. And the video graphic of SNOOKI, is standing next to video graphic TRISH STRATUS & also video graphic JOHN MORRUSSON and they will be meeting some video graphics that sneer and are called LAY/McCOOLDERTAKER with a DOLPH DIGGLER and the VIKI G. But please just forget about MORRUSSON, cause he nearly stole the show at this year's LeROYALE RUMBLE with his PARKOUR (look it up, dumbass) and because this is really just a vehicle to get 'ol Widow Guerrero pinned under the ample thighs of the SNOOKI @ WM27 whilst the dumbass CROWD GOES WILLD! (2 ll's for emphasis, not as in a "Y" sound like as in "Allende" (Ahh-Yenn-Deh).

In a surreal bit, the WWE Champion The Miz is purposely turning the attitudinal "W" on the Spinner WWE Championship Belt upside-down as an "M" for his name: The Miz. ( +1 for the Microchip? )

Eghads, what's this? Sma'Down's THE CORRE? You mean The CORRE, formerly known as The NEXXUS, formerly of The NXT? (don't ask). Basically, its four guys you don't know. A Britt, a South African, a Red-Headed Southern Boy and a Big Black Guy. Sounds like a joke some where in there about them all walking into a bar. But they don't. They job to Santino.

THE CORRRE vs. TheBIGSHEW & OMG ITS KANE: OMG KANE and BGSHEW were dancing for Santino's victory tonight, so I predict more dancing next Sunday. And for Many Moons to come as well.After all, O.M.G. its KANE! And he's DANCING!

BONG! BONG! BONG! ITS THE DEMON! No, not the yard long glass monstrosity of Basement's past, but the UNDERTAKER, brought to you by a Johnny' Cash song. I get it, the Dead Man is being serenaded to the ring by a DEAD MAN! *WHOOOSH!*flame pyro. *WHOOSH!* blue lights. Wha- no Druids?!

Oh no he di'n't! Oh. Yes. He. Did! ITSAHHHHLLLLABOUTDAAGAAAAAAAME!!!! And so now we have dueling entrances between the Phenom and the GAME. These guys have spent more time staring at each other in the ring in the past two weeks than they have been in action in it for the past year....

Michael Cole is Bad now. And Jerry Lawler is Mad now. They're gonna have a match this Sunday at WrestleMania and its perhaps the only feud on the card more than two weeks old. Uh-huh. And BOTTOM LINE is gonna be the Special Guest Referee. Yes, you heard me right. BOTTOM LINE of BOTTOM LINE fame will spill beer, flip the bird and tug on his own striped referee shirt a couple a times for a nice fatty WMania five- to- six-figure check. Who the fuck cares.

After Commercials spends a full two and a half minutes in an un-answered onlsaught of offense, we see that this is a tag-match. And, its, done. SHAMUSSON pins BRYANSON.

US TITLE MATCH- SHAMUS(c) vs. DANIEL BRYAN: Dunno. Don't Care. And That's Just Sad. In a pinch, I pick SHAMUS. Cause we all know DANIEL BRYAN is on to bigger and better things, right? Right? Hello? Is anybody home? Hel--oooo? Huh, that's funny. Something must have cut the power. And the phone's not working either. That's strange. Maybe I should go into this darkened basement and just check the fuse box, or maybe I should go upstairs and check on the baby.... Hmm, I can't decide. Oh well, I'm sure its just the wind...

Safety Break. 'scuse me a minute.

In Memoriam: Bar Fights with BRADSHAW, FAROOQ-FARROQ - IS- ON- FIRE and whomever else. Tonight, WWE's bottle tipping to pour some out homage to those bygone barfight days is SNOOKI & TRISH WTF IS SHE DOING HERE STRATUS in some bar with some dude and some tag team called LAY/McCOOL-McTAKER. Brief amount of screaming/ hair pulling/ the sound of Trish's pro- wrestling legacy groaning like Two Fat Twins dismounting their Motorcycles... ahhhnd its done. (Yup, SNOOKI is stradling Lay and/or/either McCool/ McTaker. Told 'ya, bitches.)JOHN MORRISON with TRISH STRATUS and SNOOKI vs. DOLPH DIGGLER with LAYLA & MICHELLE McCOOL & VIKKI GUERRERO: Team Jo-Mo Tri- Strat-Ooki FTW. The Semblance of Reason is the real loser in this one, fans.

THE ROCK. Ahhhnd suddenly its NineteenNinetyNine again. No. No it is not. But finally he has come back to CHICAGO. It was THE ROCK'S 1st Mania "IN THIS VERY BUILDING". Was it? WikiPedia can always be perfectly & totally trusted in matters such as this and this alone... I'll Fac-Check letter. (Fac-Check cause it doesn't need to be to a "t").

Hmmm. ROCK promises to stick things in CENA's ass. We will see ROCK. We will See.

WRESTLEMANIA 27 MAIN EVENT: THE ROCK!!! JOHN CEENAH!!! oh. and some wwe champion. somehow. maybe. somewhere or something. something something... but THE ROCK!

JOHN CEENAH!!

THE ROCK!!! JOHN CENA!!!! And its now :13 past the hour. What the hell are they thinking? That by way of a ten minute overrun of their normal broadcast timeslot their gonna be able to pepper this turkey? pinch this pimple? squeeze this charmin? No. No they did not.