I’ve sat and looked at this screen, day after day and hour by hour, so unsure of what to say. It’s a frightening thing, being so unsure of what to say. I know that in what seems a lifetime ago, the words tripped over themselves trying to get onto the page. Perhaps even more frightening is being afraid that what I say is just taking up someone’s time without purpose.

OMG I thought, what if, after all this dithering around, what I write is just a waste of time. Now I realise that it isn’t. I’m writing for myself at the moment. I have to, at least until my “mojo” decides to get itself together and understands that this is what writing is all about. The courage to keep talking about what I think about – whether it’s a story or a “simple blog” – is the key to the magic.

So, for today it’s a simple blurb to say “hello”, “I’m here, not quite sure if you will hear me or not, but that’s okay. I’ve made the first step, a giant leap for me today”

Image courtesy cover_not_living_in_fear..anon

“Laugh, even when you feel too sick or too worn out or tired. Smile, even when you’re trying not to cry and the tears are blurring your vision. Sing, even when people stare at you and tell you your voice is crappy. Trust, even when your heart begs you not to. Twirl, even when your mind makes no sense of what you see. Frolick, even when you are made fun of. Kiss, even when others are watching. Sleep, even when you’re afraid of what the dreams might bring. Run, even when it feels like you can’t run any more. And, always, remember, even when the memories pinch your heart. Because the pain of all your experience is what makes you the person you are now. And without your experience—you are an empty page, a blank notebook, a missing lyric. What makes you brave is your willingness to live through your terrible life and hold your head up high the next day. So don’t live life in fear. Because you are stronger now, after all the crap has happened, than you ever were back before it started.”
―Alysha Speer

I’ve read some amazing blogs during my “sabbatical” which have made me hope to visit strange and wonderful places, see the wide vistas, empty ranges and places filled with flora and fauna I have never seen before. There are too many writers out there to thank for this inspiration, yet to one and all I say a heartfelt “Thank You, I will visit these places, not just in my mind from your words and photos, but in person, to feel and experience these people and places”.

I’ve read about your battles with your demons, whatever they are. I’ve felt the strength you’ve shown in writing about it. I’ve felt my struggles are pitiful when aligned next to yours – and in the end I know that I have to put that aside too. We all have a right to our struggles, our physical demons. We can allow ourselves to be overwhelmed by them. We can use the pathos of our situation to keep calling people back, or we can simply say, “Hey, this happened and it can happen to you, so keep going and after you’ve told me about it, leave it and keep going.” Our stories are important – to us, and sometimes to others, so if we are unsure, write for yourselves. Write your hearts blood on the page, your fear, shout out and tell the world, because it’s the silence which is deadly. It’s that simple thing, the silence we strive for at other times which is often holding us back.

The silence of emptiness.

Image courtesy of maxresdefault

“All that is left to bring you pain, are the memories. If you face those, you’ll be free. You can’t spend the rest of your life hiding from yourself; always afraid that your memories will incapacitate you, and they will if you continue to bury them.” ― J.D. Stroube, Caged in Darkness

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This caught my attention and I thought, Wow, that’s exactly what I was thinking. So I know that I’m not alone.

I’m simply human – I fell off the bandwagon in truth… not once but several times. I have the bruises and scars to show for it! Today was just one more day in the struggle to “be”. It’s boring in its simplicity, my damned back is being a pain in ways I never believed possible. Simplicity itself – I leaned on something which moved when I thought it would stay where it was. I fell… right on top of new bruises from the day before and pain flared majestically through the synapses of my brain once more. I should be used to it, but the odd thing is, you never become blasé about pain. Ask any of the people out there with Fibromyalgia…. I have it and it doesn’t take a holiday, it just decides to let you think it might be going away… til it returns once more.

I realised I said it “majestically flared through new synapses of the brain” and I realise it is that and so much more. Colours you never imagined fire through your vision and logical speech and thought are devoured in an instant.

Courtesy of wildlyfreewoman.net

“I have always been afraid… Always been pretending to follow you closely, always been pretending to sharpen my teeth, when the truth is, I am … scared to death just treading on your shadow.”― Tite Kubo

“No, this is not the beginning of a new chapter in my life; this is the beginning of a new book! That first book is already closed, ended, and tossed into the seas; this new book is newly opened, has just begun! Look, it is the first page! And it is a beautiful one!”
― C. JoyBell C.

It’s no particular secret that I’ve been missing for a wee while. In itself that’s an amusing understatement. In point of fact I haven’t written anything myself since around May. That’s deliberately vague since I don’t really want or need to be reminded that I’ve left everything for so long.

I’ve had many ideas for blogs, written them out in beautiful prose, all in my head and nary has a word made it onto the blog. I’ve even begun any number of items but they’ve never reached the ‘birthing’ stage. Why?

There are a number of reasons, but the main one is simply that I felt my words were irrelevant and not worthy of taking up anyone’s time. That too raises a question, why should I think that? After all, whether anyone reads this or not, is in some respects, not the point of the exercise. Certainly, it’s more than nice if it appeals to someone, preferably several someones. Let’s face it, I haven’t lost my sense of pride, just belief that what I say, counts.

After we moved from Byron to Redland Bay I was overtaken by another bout of “what ails me”. I knew that in time it would go away. Yet I was unprepared for how long it would hang around, zapping me of energy, motivation and ultimately belief in who I was and what I was doing. It destroyed my peace and kept me anchored in pain.

The Duck Pond

Then I attended a wonderful retreat. I could hardly believe my good fortune. I could barely scrape myself out of bed before mid-afternoon each day and here I was agreeing to a program which meant I needed to be out of bed before 7am and eat breakfast – (what, food before mid-day?) so that I could start the program by 9am. None of this sounds very onerous, yet it was a huge challenge, one I was willing to push past all my boundaries in order to attend.

Things didn’t turn out quite the way I’d hoped. I upset someone, perhaps several someones and it was extremely upsetting. I was on the brink of returning home, simply because I didn’t want to ruin the event for everyone else, as it had been ruined for myself. Attempts to apologise (for what I didn’t know I had done), went horribly wrong and someone I admire greatly, who is (was?) a mentor, appears to be not now speaking to me. At least I must suppose so since my attempts to communicate have passed silently with the passing of the days. I still hope but I don’t know.

However, all the above is 2014 and now it is 2015. The energies have turned and not one thing, but everything has now changed. We, all of us, have entered a new phase. All the heavy and argumentative energies we have struggled with for the past several years have now gone and we have entered a lighter, freer period. People will change as the energies have changed. I have changed.

Clourful bejewelled dragons

Like all things throughout history, change occurs whether we will it to be so, or not. These changes are exciting and have given rise to much planning and proposal – No – I’m not getting married, divorced, separated or having a baby! I’m so pleased that’s out of the way!

There is a new website planned and a new ‘persona’ and blog. It will be good for me and for you also. I read a blog two days ago about a “Power Word” rather than a resolution, resolutions which are rarely followed. I chose two words, Attract and Create. They both fit and I’m working on a phrase to link them and yet I know I have no need to do that.

So, I’m back, in the nicest sense of the word, and I will Create blog posts as often as I can whilst I Attract what I need to Create the new website. You will be able to see it when I have Created it and its first blog.

Happy Days Everyone! Happy 2015.

May all your Blessings come to be.

Golden Sorceress, Golden Dragon

“Dare to dream! If you did not have the capability to make your wildest wishes come true, your mind would not have the capacity to conjure such ideas in the first place. There is no limitation on what you can potentially achieve, except for the limitation you choose to impose on your own imagination. What you believe to be possible will always come to pass – to the extent that you deem it possible. It really is as simple as that.”
― Anthon St. Maarten