I choked on my halo, fell to Earth, and met some sailors. Here's what happened next.

Monday, August 04, 2003

Well, here's all the latest from Wedding World:

Thanks to the logistical wonderfulness of the State Department, and my own infectious impatience, Matt and I have changed our plans. We'd decided to get married in December, but instead we're going to do it over Labor Day weekend. It'll be a small, intimate, dignified ceremony, featuring...Elvis. My mother is so proud.

That's right, due to Skye's mad planning skills, Matt and I will be married at the Viva Las Vegas Chapel in Las Vegas, Nevada. Elvis will perform the ceremony, along with two songs of our choice. Skye will serve as maid of honor in a beer hat, Merrill will be best man, and J.B. will give me away like I'm a free sample of cube cheese at the supermarket. Afterwards, we will dine at a restaurant that hopefully contains neither go go dancers nor salmonella. The bridal party will stay at the Westward Ho! casino and hotel, home of 99 cent Heinekens and wood-paneled walls. Hey, if logistics prevent a nice wedding, you may as well go whole-hog awful.

We'll be married at about 5:30 pm PST on August 31. The Viva Las Vegas Chapel may provide free webcasting, in which case I encourage all of you to tune in. If not, please raise a Heineken at 8:30 pm EST in honor of the happy couple. Also, Skye has offered to film the event, so I will hold a screening party when the film is available in a few months.

I highly recommend running to Vegas: the marriage license application can be downloaded on the Internet, and is shorter than most video club membership forms. This also means the State Department can process me sooner and I can get to Colombia in October or November.

Instead of a poll, here are some stats:

Number of men who checked my hand for a ring: 12
Number of women who checked my hand for a ring: 5
Number of people who asked about a ring: 3 (all men)
Number of people who believe this is an elaborate practical joke: 3
Number of bridal magazines in my apartment: 8
Weight of bridal magazines: 37 pounds
Chances I'll have a big foofy wedding and not fall on my ass at any point: Slim to none