CollegeHumor: Jamie Schuh Contributionshttp://www.collegehumor.com/user/6845334
Funny Videos, Funny Pictures, Funny Links!/post/6851245http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6851245/interview-the-internet-on-harry-potter-fan-fiction
Mon, 26 Nov 2012 18:55:01 -0500/post/6851245http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6851245/interview-the-internet-on-harry-potter-fan-fiction
Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 -0500<p><i>In &quot;Interview the Internet,&quot; Jamie Schuh investigates the sub-cultures and unique characters that populate the strangest corners of the Internet.</i><br />
<br />
What do teen girls do alone in their bedrooms? Look up chloroform recipes? Kiss their Justin Bieber posters are whisper &quot;tomorrow you will be mine?&quot; Yes, probably, but also teen girls are writing fan fiction about boys kissing each other. Not all of them, sure, but a lot of them. A friend of mine, who we will simply call &quot;L,&quot; because she has a grown-up job and life now, was writing sexy Harry Potter stories a few years ago, mostly about the series&#039; male characters rubbing their wands together (a few selections are still online here). On a quest to find out what was so titillating about wizards humping each other, I sat down with L to ask her about her secret life as a fan fiction writer. Here we go!<br />
<h3> CH: So, I know you got your fan fiction start with the world of &#039;N Sync, everybody&#039;s favorite tousled-hair-and-matching-velour-tracksuit boy band. I once had a sexy dream about Joey Fatone, so I sort of understand the hormones aspect. Who wouldn&#039;t want to write about getting into a hot tub with Justin Timberlake? But what got you into slash (the term for stories about dudes boning down on each other)?</h3><div class="media"><div class="embed center"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/47/90/0992dd128ee431d47d52e92faeefc9fe-interview-the-internet-on-harry-potter-fan-fiction.jpg" width="290" height="207" alt="Interview the Internet: On Harry Potter Fan Fiction - Image 1" /></div></div>L: Yeah, I was introduced to fan fiction through the &#039;N Sync message boards and fan sites. The stories were chiefly about a Mary Sue character magically getting to know Justin and falling in love. I don&#039;t remember a lot of the fan fics from that period, but I remember FictionLyn. She was the E.L. James of &#039;N Sync fandom, and I was banned from her message board for arguing with other fans over her merits. My fourteen-year-old self was not here for boring, unoriginal stories. So, enter, slash fan fic. I don&#039;t know how it happened, but one day it seems I just decided I would rather read about JC fucking Justin than about Justin fucking some dumpy girl he picked out of a crowd at a concert.<br />
<br />
<h3>CH: Rightly so, JC did once have abs you could grate cheese on. So, how did you end up writing about Harry Potter? Also, what was it about the Harry Potter books &#150; a children&#039;s series, I might add &#150; that got you thinking about butt-sex?</h3>L: When the boy band thing fizzled, I was left without a fandom. A lot of my friends were reading Harry Potter, so I did, too. By the time I finished <em>Goblet of Fire</em> I was like, &quot;Harry and Draco should totally fuck.&quot; And Harry/Draco has been my <span class="caps">OTP</span> (&quot;one true pairing&quot;) for a decade now. Why Harry and Draco? Well, I could repeat some of the justification and theories in the fandom, like how Harry&#039;s rebuff in first year ultimately led to Draco joining the Death Eaters, but I&#039;d like to preserve as much dignity as I can, and just say that I thought it was hot.<br />
<center> <img src="//www.harrymedia.com/data/media/420/I_LOVE_HARRY.gif" title="//www.harrymedia.com/data/media/420/I_LOVE_HARRY.gif" alt="//www.harrymedia.com/data/media/420/I_LOVE_HARRY.gif" /> </center><br />
<br />
<h3> CH: OK, so what&#039;s the Harry Potter fiction world like? How do new writers get their start? Where do people publish their steamy bits?</h3>L: It&#039;s not hard to find places to post your stories &#150; fanfiction.net still exist, but Livejournal was always more of a mecca for slash. Most of the stuff that I read and wrote was posted on a Harry and Draco Livejournal community. Skyehawke.com was an invite-only site, so usually the better-written stories were posted there. I stopped updating a story about four years ago, but I still get a notification that someone left me a review on it every few months.<br />
<br />
<h3>CH: Let&#039;s get to the crazy stuff. What&#039;s the weirdest story you&#039;ve ever read? And what&#039;s the strangest you&#039;ve written?</h3>L: It&#039;s the Internet. Rule 34, right? I remember reading a Harry/Dobby fic where Dobby (a house servant elf) is caught exiting Harry&#039;s bedchamber one morning by a very alarmed Ron Weasley. There was also a Harry/Giant Squid fic that I wish I could forget. On the Harry/Draco front, I read a story where Harry effectively falls in love with Draco as a ferret.<br />
<div class="media"><div class="embed center"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/93/81/435c8ba6abce1f4b78fd8aaaf6ae6574-interview-the-internet-on-harry-potter-fan-fiction.jpg" width="290" height="193" alt="Interview the Internet: On Harry Potter Fan Fiction - Image 1" /></div></div><br />
<br />
<h3>CH: I&#039;m sort of regretting that I asked that now. Speaking of, has there been a story you&#039;ve read that you thought pushed it a little too far?</h3>L: Some of the gross stuff is the cross-generational fic and incest fic. To each his own, but reading about Dumbledore and Harry, that&#039;s kind of gross. Also, reading about a time-traveling Harry that ends up fucking his father. That&#039;s taking it too far.<br />
<br />
<h3>CH: I am wholly regretting asking that. Thanks L, for sitting down with me over the Internet and explaining your creepy world to me. Just kidding, after all, that E.L. James lady made a buttload of money with her <em>Twilight</em> fan fiction story that became <em>Fifty Shades of Grey</em>. Also it got everyone&#039;s mom all steamy for a while. Maybe one day you&#039;ll do that too.</h3><br />
<br />
</p>nonadultcomedy
]]>
/post/6845320http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6845320/my-toddlers-tiaras-obsession-is-reaching-critical-mass
Tue, 06 Nov 2012 18:07:55 -0500/post/6845320http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6845320/my-toddlers-tiaras-obsession-is-reaching-critical-mass
Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 -0500<p><br />
It began to hit me when I looked up at the clock and realized I had been bedazzling a tulle skirt for the better part of two hours: my weird obsession with over-the-top child beauty pageants &#150; specifically, the abomination known as <span class="caps">TLC</span>&#039;s &quot;Toddlers &amp; Tiaras&quot; &#150; may be getting out of hand.<br />
For Halloween I had planned to dress as one of the spray-tanned, fake toothed, Pixi Stix-gobbling, Mountain Dew-chugging little girls featured on the show, and the details were of utmost importance. Little white frilly socks must be tracked down, the skirt must pouf out in just the right &quot;cupcake&quot; style, my curls must be shellacked with hairspray, and I must seize the stage of life as my imaginary mother shouts &quot;<span class="caps">WORK</span> IT <span class="caps">SMOOCHY</span>&quot; from the wings.<br />
<br />
<img src="//24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lt300nKYuM1r2unpio1_500.gif" title="//24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lt300nKYuM1r2unpio1_500.gif" alt="//24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lt300nKYuM1r2unpio1_500.gif" /><br />
<br />
But I&#039;ll admit that my unadulterated love for the show has earned me some side-eyed looks and disgusted questions of &quot;&#133;why?&quot; so I wanted to pinpoint exactly what turned so many people off about the show, and why I just secretly wanted a pink bedroom full of trophies and crowns all of my own.<br />
First, I needed to find a pageant virgin, and luckily I was able to talk the dude I am dating into giving it a shot. What good relationship doesn&#039;t begin by sharing a special moment where you must unwittingly watch a five-year-old girl do a Madonna dance routine (complete with cone bra outfit) onstage?<br />
So we watched two episodes, one that was set in Tennessee, and another in our own backyard of Brooklyn, New York. Every episode begins by introducing the three little girls that will be followed by camera crews over the next few days. They are either really cute little kids that just want to play and have fun, or awful little pieces of <span class="caps">DNA</span> barf that cry and scream forever.<br />
<br />
<img src="//24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lthwq9e34H1qcndato1_500.png" title="//24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lthwq9e34H1qcndato1_500.png" alt="//24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lthwq9e34H1qcndato1_500.png" /><br />
<br />
Pageants always begin with a &quot;beauty&quot; routine, and then either her talent, some weird swimwear thing, or an outfit of choice. At the end, the kids get crowns, or they don&#039;t get crowns, or they do get crowns, but they still cry because they didn&#039;t get a Grand Supreme crown, and then the show is over. Basically 97 per cent of all episodes end in tears.<br />
So later, I asked my dude his thoughts and he ranted and raved about how contests like this are designed to tear down a child&#039;s self-worth at a young age, and could later lead to eating disorders and delusions of grandeur, and blah blah blah.<br />
But to sum it up, he said: &quot;‪[The show] made me feel like a dirty old man and it made me uncomfortable‬, but it got better once we started making out.&quot;<br />
<br />
<img src="//25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mcm3lqsJmu1r98rjpo1_500.gif" title="//25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mcm3lqsJmu1r98rjpo1_500.gif" alt="//25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mcm3lqsJmu1r98rjpo1_500.gif" /><br />
<br />
Point taken, but wasn&#039;t it the goal of our country&#039;s founding fathers to create a land where people were to be awarded for their looks and wealth? Or furthermore, doesn&#039;t the Constitution say that even fuggo babies can be covered with blush and bronzer and made to look decently attractive? Is it not our right to parade our crotch spawn around to live out all of our failed dreams? This is America, after all, the land of opportunity and Go-Go Juice.<br />
<br />
<img src="//cdn2.holytaco.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/TLC.gif" title="//cdn2.holytaco.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/TLC.gif" alt="//cdn2.holytaco.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/TLC.gif" /><br />
<br />
If anything, child beauty pageants represent the complete opposite of my childhood, where my dentist once called me &quot;a handsome young man.&quot; I was an ugly kid with Will Smith-caliber ears, a low threshold for discomfort and an even lower ambition to win awards. If I was ever entered into a pageant, I surely would have thrown up down the front of my dress, tripped off the stage, broken my neck and died. My little coffin would have been adorned with an honorary sash that said, &quot;Well, she sort of tried, I guess.&quot;<br />
<br />
<img src="//media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbxg2rhFO31rtc9of.gif" title="//media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbxg2rhFO31rtc9of.gif" alt="//media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbxg2rhFO31rtc9of.gif" /><br />
<br />
So maybe the reason I love to watch &quot;Toddlers &amp; Tiaras&quot; is because it&#039;s like looking into a world that I&#039;ll never know. Was my mom trying to live through me when she signed me up for a hip-hop dance class to awkwardly perform to Boyz II Men&#039;s &quot;Motown Philly?&quot; Was I begging to wear fake nails and hair extensions while I was digging up worms in the backyard and throwing my cat off the swing set? No, my formative years were spent shoving hot dogs in my face.<br />
But there&#039;s still plenty of time for me to take a name for myself as a pageant coach, right?</p>nonadultcomedy
]]>