Archive for the 'Jokes' Category

Today at lunch, Claire was explaining some of the games she plays with the other kids at Recess. They run around and chase each other, and they take on the roles of different characters. I remember doing this very thing in school, and I love hearing about her adventures.

Her explanations are a riot:

She said they play with Pirates, who are old, but Vampires are older. And then she asked if I knew what you call really old Vampires. She knew, but she wanted to see if I did.

I told her I didn’t know. What do you call really old Vampires?

Grampires!

You can’t MAKE up stuff like this. It’s pure comedy gold.

The best part was she is totally serious. Really old Vampires are called Grampires, and now you know.

The following was sent to me via email from one of my friends. I literally started laughing so hard, out loud, that Claire kept saying, “What, Momma!? What!?” Ha!

(And, yes, I’m curious to see what kind of hits I get from Google Searchers over the next few days…) 😉

Enjoy!

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of used men’s work boots, size 14 to 16.

2. Put them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine.

3. Place a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba,

Big Jim, Duke, Slim, and I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour.

Don’t mess with the pit bulls – – they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don’t think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of ’em in the house.

One of my friends emailed this to me this morning. I laughed so hard I cried. I don’t know if it’s “true,” and I usually don’t post things like this, but this is HILARIOUS.

Read it for yourself:

Get out of the car!

(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida.)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”

The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason that she wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story? If you’re going to have a senior moment . . . make it memorable.