News services don't regularly report on stories from the "Insane Times," so why was this news? McNabb should have never responded to this nonsense.

Some jabs:

* When Terrell Owens gets back on the field, I'll pay attention. Until then, the fact that he threw himself a birthday party isn't news. It's embarrassing, but it's not news.

* Money talks but as news, it walks. Sports is a business, and salaries and contracts and budgets are daily offerings. Not news. Yes, jealousy plays a part here. I suggest that someone (agents) create a nice little Web page where all the stuff about the zillions of dollars, the kind of money I won't make in 10 lifetimes, and the people who play with it, is listed. Anyone who cares can go find out. Leave it out of the regular news.

* Too many body parts. Mr. Crumpacker of this fine organ-EYE-zation wrote about a sportswriter's need to know details about athletes' body parts. Spare us the high ankles and the MCLs and the planter box bursitis. Way too many details about far too many things that don't matter.

Left hooks:

* CDs? C-don't! Other than the Super Bowl Shuffle (simply the greatest sports video ever) any time an athlete does a CD, or a video, vaporize it from the real news department. Note to Bengals fans. In the wake of this abomination, the team has no chance in the playoffs.

Along the same lines, when an athlete opens a restaurant or a car dealership or any business, it's always mentioned. That's called free advertising. "Smith, who recently opened his Burgers N' Buicks Beefatorium . . ." Not news.

* Olympics stories, too early and too often. I do not care where the torch starts or stops, where it finishes or who the hell carries it. Cute little Olympics mascots? Paper shredder, now. The journey of the Olympic flame was a story when some Greek guy ran many miles barefoot over rocks. When some C list celebrity totes it three blocks, it's not news.

The knockout punch:

Anything figure skating. If someone isn't hit with a pipe in this ludicrous exercise in boredom, it's not news. Stories about the judging or judges? The worst. Go ahead and name the top figure skaters for 2005? Right, exactly. No pipe, no popularity.

Oh sure, you might see the Campbell's Souper Sparkly Skate Wars for Flabby 40-year-olds on some weekend afternoon, but that's not news, or good TV. It's only a way for old skaters to make a few bucks.

PRO STUDS OF THE WEEK: Dallas and Pittsburgh won important games and they'll have to keep winning.

PRO PALOOKAS OF THE WEEK: My San Diego Chargers will not make the playoffs in the wake of an all-time lung spew against Miami. Good, maybe Martyball will become something admired at the junior high level in whatever city he retires.

LAST WEEK:
2-2-1 in pros (-40).

OVERALL: 73-63-1.

STARTING BANKROLL: 1,000 simoleons.

CURRENT BANKROLL: 1,460 simoleons.

(Point spreads are based on an early version of an official Las Vegas betting line. Home team in CAPS.)

NFL

JAGUARS (-16) over 49ers: The oddsmakers can't go over 20 on a spread but this game deserves it. The Fool risks 80 simoleons.