Monday, December 28, 2009

Is this a problem?

I'm of two minds about the dating thing these days. On the one hand, I find it difficult to completely abstain from online dating. I'm worried about becoming a hermit and I don't meet very many eligible types otherwise. On the other hand, I'm not sure being a hermit is such a bad thing. I have a lot of admiration for the "hermits" whose blogs I read. They seem independent and self-assured. I find it difficult to sustain full independence and self-assurance when a boyfriend is hanging around, which is a sad state of affairs indeed.

Not sure where to start with these tales, but why not here: the sad, sad fact is that if I spend too much time thinking about Kent I start to tear up. Yep, the very thought of him makes me weepy. I do my best not to spend too much time dwelling on this obviously idealized relationship. I mean, how ideal can it be when the fellow always had plans to be 100% unavailable for a tremendously long amount of time? It shouldn't detract at all from the reality of the relationship that was, but it's really not helping to keep missing him. (To give myself credit, I'm not actually fantasizing about seeing him. Too overwhelming.)

This somewhat pathetic frame of mind makes dating unattractive. Still, some friends are encouraging me to get out there. I actually have a very mild flirtation/friendship going with a fellow who has a long distance girlfriend. Not healthy at all but since I don't really want a boyfriend, it's fine. I certainly could have upped the intensity but I declined to do so. It may be wrong, but it is a little helpful to the ol' self-assurance to spend time with someone who obviously finds me attractive.

The online dating thing, however, is absurd. Yesterday, I chatted with two guys who wanted to ask me out. One did. The one with whom I have little in common, but who will almost certainly harass me until I finally officially decline to go on the date--or do go on the date and have a terrible time. But he got my number--why? Because he asked. He wasn't terrible, but I can see the writing on the wall.

The second guy was more suitable, we had more in common and a more interesting chat. He's one of those guys who, solely based on my pictures, can't believe that I don't have a million dating options.

Aside: I am well aware that my looks/personality combo isn't to everyone's tastes, nor should it be. However, in the online dating venue, it's not uncommon for random guys to tell me I'm "hot." I don't know what to make of this. The comment often comes from young guys who I will never meet. I suspect it's just a line. I have actually argued about it with some guys. I'll grant that I'm pretty--which is easy enough to judge in a photo--but hot? To me, unless you are posing in your sexy bikini, swim trunks, etc., hot is kind of impossible to tell from a photo. In real life, I can believe it when someone tells me I'm sexy, but isn't that situational? I dunno.

Anyway. I don't have a million dating options. But I don't have one with this guy either. He wrote "i dont suppose i could convince you to go out..." You don't suppose? But--aren't we both on a dating site? Maybe you should try! Eventually, he did try (after I said, "ask me") and it led to a 20 minute date venue negotiation. Tiresome. He didn't bother to ask for my number, offline email or IM address--not to mention my real name! He is one of those in-reality-unavailable internet guys, despite his proclamation of my extreme attractiveness.

Odds are, I won't hear from him again. My current stand is--I am here. You want me, come and get me. I'm not pursuing these guys. If they want me, they can come and get me. That is really all I have energy for right now anyway. It's hard work being a hermit.

Last things--I am getting a cold. I have an invite to a NYE party. I sort of want to go, but I'd have to drive, which seems like a bad idea. I seem to not like my job at the moment (evidence: zero focus), which is a bummer. Knitting continues well. I owe both parents phone calls, but what else is new?

And--tomorrow is the fifth anniversary of this blog! Wow. I am actually going to post tomorrow, so save your congratulations for then.

Why is it, if single women don't date, we're hermits? I'm not (currently) dating anyone, yet I have a VERY full social life that encompasses and include women and men friends, theater subscriptions, exercise and volunteer work. Although I have a big job, it's not all about the career. Yet, I, too, feel like I have to push myself to go out and not be a "hermit." Why is that?

C.Kim--Oh, I'm pretty busy in that way too, though I wish I saw my friends more often. Maybe we're just trying to come up with a positive--or non-threatening?--way to say that dating isn't the central part of our existence.

Happy 5th! I have read your blog off and on for a couple years (can't remember how I got here but liked your writing) and wanted to say something.

Don't envy people who you know only through their writings for their self proclaimed independence. Everyone's different, but the more someone talks about how wonderful and full and perfect their life alone is, the more I think "thou doth protest too much." People who are really happy about that kind of life probably wouldn't feel the need to justify it so much.

I am not saying that one could or should NOT be happy with themselves, everyone should! But I see so many friends or anonymous writers on the internet who seem to fall back on this idea as a security blanket to convince themselves they want to be single, when in reality it seems that they would prefer otherwise.

Why would anyone have shame in admitting they want to find a relationship? Is being happy and healthy and balanced in your own life exclusive of wanting to share it with another? I don't understand this at all. Yet it seems to be that way for many people. Perhaps they fear the stigma of desperation. Desperation is not an attractive quality - but I think it has nothing in common with knowing what you want and being comfortable with that.

In several years I dated a number of women who held this attitude - and frankly, that attitude of "I don't need anyone else" didn't exactly have me holding my breath for our next date. I know what I want, why should I waste my time with someone who either doesn't want this, or is so uncomfortable with their own desires that they can't admit it?

I don't think dating should be the central part of one's existence. At the same time, though, if finding a mate is important, then you must put yourself in situations where you will meet new people. That doesn't need to be inorganic (such as dating services) but you do need to be "out there." Unless you're really lucky, finding the right person is a numbers game. The more you play the better your chance of winning.

It sounds like maybe you're not really over Kurt if you still have this sort of reaction when you think about him. My own experience (having had failed relationships that took a while to get over) is that it helps a lot to keep trying to meet people and go out with people even if my heart really wasn't in it. Nothing prevents you from moving on more than allowing yourself to keep your emotions tied up in a relationship that you know rationally is gone.

So I hope you don't become a hermit and cheers to 2010 and maybe something new to be grateful for.