Tuesday, April 24, 2012

I'm a very positive person. My new favorite way to describe it came from a meme that my friend posted on my facebook wall, with a picture of a half-full glass of juice. Observe:

Yep! That's me these days.
Anyway, I'm also not a religious person. I was raised Unitarian by a pair of very open-minded liberal parents -- one a hippie, one a punk. Work that one out. -- so I'm very spiritual, but I can't mold into organized religion. It's just not for me. But I do like the idea of "The Universe." I believe when you put good energy out into the universe, you get good stuff back. I guess that's what Christians mean when they pray, or what Wiccans mean when they cast spells, or what Buddhists mean when they meditate... okay, I'm not as knowledgeable about that last one. You get the point.
So, right now I am in a time of crisis. It's usually in these times that you have major epiphanies about your life, and you figure out what an idiot you've been and think, "if only I'd been living my life THIS way!!" I know I am. I'm going over and over the ways I handled my now-former boyfriend and my problems, and thinking, "well if they happened NOW I'd know exactly what to do!" But that's the whole point.
We can't spend our lives judging our past, because we miss the present and then the future sneaks up on us.
All we can do is put good energy into the universe and make ourselves open to getting it back.
So, all of this has gotten me thinking about gratitude. It always strikes me, when I'm in a time of crisis, how TOTALLY AWESOME the tiny moments of peace or positivity are. Like when you find five dollars in your pocket from last week. Or like when you are sitting around in your kitchen making food and your roommates are making you laugh, and you just feel unburdened for a moment. Those are the moments that, when everything is going great, sure, you notice them, but you don't feel that huge rush of "Thank you, Universe/God/World/etc." because you are so damn grateful.
I love those moments. Some of my favorite memories are moments like that, which is strange, because they all take place when things are going really miserably.
For me, anything that gives me a break from my anxiety for a little while -- where I just feel safe, secure, and like I can breathe -- are magic moments. I can thank my friends and my roommates for a lot of those right now.
So I'm trying to say "Thank You" as much as I can right now.
It reminds me of one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies, HappyThankYouMorePlease. If you haven't seen it, get your ass to a library or a video store (sob) or an illegal streaming website (okay, okay, we all do it) and SEE IT. It will actively change your life. Anyway, there is a scene where one character, Annie, is on a reluctant date with a goofy guy from her office who completely adores her and finally convinced her to go out with him. She warms to him over the dinner and finally opens up this piece of wisdom:

Annie: About a year ago, I was in this cab, and the cab driver - this Indian guy, started telling me...he started telling me all sorts of stuff. He was just looking at me in the rear view mirror and he said, 'Bliss. Bliss is your birthright.' And I was like, 'Uh...45th and Madison?' And he said, 'You have great potential in this lifetime. The key to your life is gratitude. You do not give enough thanks.' And I said, 'Well, how do I do that?' And he said, 'Simple! Say thank you.' And I said, 'Well, when?' And he said, 'All the time! Like now.' And he said that after I say thank you, I should say more please.

Sam #2: Wait... thank you, more please?

Annie: Yeah! That with gratitude, the universe is eternally abundant. So, I've been giving gratitude a shot.

Thank you more please. Thank you more please. Thank you more please.

That's it. The ebb and flow of the Universe. Thank you, more please. (Yes, it's cheesy, but think about it.)

So, I would like to officially put out to the internet (a direct link to the Universe, as we all know), THANK YOU for my little magic moments of peace and positivity in the past few weeks. More, please?

Monday, April 23, 2012

A big part of my massive life upheaval is doing well in school.
Don't get me wrong. I'm smart. Clever, even, one might say. But I have a nasty habit of being unmotivated -- and preferring to watch youtube videos and, heyyy, write a blog! rather than do my reading and take extensive notes. Who doesn't?
I remind myself of Calvin (of "and Hobbes" fame).
But, I've decided to do an experiment this week.
I must be on time or EARLY for every class -- including daily dance, 9am across town!
And I must be OVERPREPARED.

Now... it is Monday night and so far I haven't gotten off to an auspicious start. I went to both my classes (hoorayyy!) but I didn't do the reading. Luckily, saved by the library! It was one of those bizarre Library Education classes that one expects in high school but in university they are either a godsend or a pain in the ass. We just took our stuff to the library (where I work part time) and my coworker, Mary, explained how books worked. Everyone was rapt, RAPT I tell you!

Then I went to work at said library, and then a friend and I went downtown because I had to buy a new pair of ballet shoes. He is one of my few heterosexual male friends (hey, I'm a Musical Theatre major in New York City, let's be realistic here) and he just lost his cousin over the weekend. So, with the hot mess of a state I was in, and the recent trauma he was going through, we made for a huggy pair.

Day One of my BEAST SCHOOL plan degenerated into me weeping the whole way home and bursting out into a full-blown cry-fest while my roommate hugged it out with me.I hate being this miserable all the time. I'm usually the most joyful, cheery, pollyanna type girl you could possibly be around -- often to the point of obnoxiousness! But losing B, my close friend who passed away a little over a month ago, and then my boyfriend moving away and dumping my ass is just throwing me for the biggest loop. I feel like after blow after blow after blow, my friends and classmates dying one by one through high school (5 in total between Sophomore and Senior year -- I'll get to that in another post) and other various wounds, has finally broken me down.

I know. I sound self indulgent and whiny. It's a real comfort to me, frankly, that EVERYONE deals with stupid shit. Everyone has a huge amount of pain in their life, whatever form it comes in. And it is what makes the good parts of life so darn good. (See? Pollyanna.)

But no matter how much pain I'm in right now, I know I WILL feel better. Just the meanwhile part kind of sucks hairy balls.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

So. This is a blog. I finally started one. After years of resisting Twitter and the like, I'm finally giving in and joining the internet forces, and I will tell you why.

1. I live in New York City. This means that every single day, something happens that either makes me rant angrily or rave blissfully in my head for at least ten minutes. On the subway the other day, I was walking behind a couple who were holding hands, taking up the entire platform, and walking painfully slowly. Meandering I think is the term. For the subsequent ride uptown I went off on a nice juicy rant in my head about Slow-Walkers. Then I thought, Hey, Pieces, why don't you write some of this down some time! So, here I am.

2. I am a Neurotic Mess. I know. You are probably running for the hills now. But the truth is, right now, in this stage of my life, I am a Neurotic Mess. To sum it up, I have horrible anxiety thanks to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder stemming from when several of my friends passed away in high school, and another friend just passed away a month ago. And my boyfriend just moved to LA and dumped me. So, that qualifies me as a mess. Don't worry, though. The good thing is, I have a fantastic sense of humor and irony, and I'm a naturally joyful person, so I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I just thought it would be interesting to chronicle my journey through this rough patch. Probably while holding a glass of wine in my hand.

3. I'm a chatty little thing. I tend to monologize. So, instead of doing this to my friends in person too much, I'll channel all my wise words about life and Law and Order SVU into the internet! Yay!

4. I've decided to upheave my life. This, of course is stemming from Number 2. The good thing about everything falling apart is that the only way to move forward is to make some changes. And I like a project. So, I decided to make myself the project. I made a list of resolutions. They are as follows:

_____________________

I WILL conquer this anxiety

I WILL celebrate the little things

I WILL get nothing below a B this semester

I WILL strive to be the best I can be, FOR MYSELF.

I WILL eat well

I WILL go to bed before midnight at least five nights a week

I WILL drink at least six cups of water a day

I WILL learn how to be alone again

I WILL BE HAPPY.______________________

With this blog, I will hold myself accountable. Let's see how I do, shall we?