Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Most Alarming

Dear City of Duluth, County of St. Louis, State of MN, and all federal employees working for Mr. Obama,

They're just windows. That's what I'm getting put in. Apparently one of you bastards likes to make up rules about "having your house up to code" and so I went out and got smoke detectors for all the bedrooms. I was told to do this by the Home Depot "initial window measurement guy". Those were the new rules. Got a small house? Well, it looks like you will now have four smoke detectors installed in a twelve square foot area.

If the shit goes down in that twelve foot square area, WE ARE COVERED.

But then the "final window measurement guy" came yesterday.

(Hey, final window measurement guy? Yes, I got home two minutes late, is that why you seemed so surly? Was it just because I was the last call of the day? Or was it because we entered the house together and my dogs REALLY GET EXCITED when I get home and after ten hours, THEY ARE FULL OF PEE. Here at Castle Disaster, as long as you don't get any on you, it's considered a good day. Get the hell over yourself!)

Anyway, "Final window measurement guy" asked about my CO2 detector.

Really? Apparently, they are now "code".

So, I want to know, from one of you pencil pushing twats, what the next golden item on the list is going to be? Or is this some master plan by Home Depot to nickle and dime me every two weeks by telling me, incrementally, what I need to get this hovel up to snuff.

Have you been reading this blog? Death by carbon monoxide is better than death by a thousand cuts any day of the week. Let's face it, I haven't gotten four straight hours of complete and total relaxation for almost a year. If the damn CO2 alarm goes off, I'll probably just yank the battery and go back to bed.

And seriously. if the smoke detectors go off, do you really think I'm going to call 9-1-1? I'll tell you what is essential around this house. Have you heard of "earthquake kits" for people living in an earthquake zone? It's what they grab when they're running out of the house during an earthquake. Well, I have a "house on fire" kit by the back door. It contains passports, cash, pet leashes, my kid's immunization records, a box of graham crackers, Hershey Bars, marshmallows, and campfire roasting sticks, cuz if this bitch goes up in flames? I'm making smores!

I know this is frustrating, and I sympathize, but CO and fire detectors can help save your life, which is worth saving.

If you need help paying for this I can see what I can do. I could mail you one if you need it. I'm serious.

Last year my elderly mother, who sleeps on the ground floor, had trouble sleeping, so she got up and went into the kitchen and had a cigarette, and went back to bed. The next morning my brother, who sleeps upstairs, smelled that the gas stove was on a bit, leaking gas! My Mom sleeps on the main floor and could not smell the gas, and that is what disturbed her sleep, and there could have been an explosion from her cigarette!

My brother bought a CO/smoke/gas alarm for the kitchen, and I helped pay for it.