If you are going to have me insert things various inches into various orifices, a little heads up before the appointment — or even before you use the words “insert” and hand me mutant q-tips — would be greatly appreciated.

Will do! And the oatmeal and sriracha was at toward the end of a 50 day course for NOLS a number of years ago — after many days of oatmeal. I don’t know how good savory oats would be here in the front country.