"I choose to do these things not because they are easy but because they are hard..." (inspired by JFK)

Friday, July 28, 2006

I've not been online much as this computer is sick and we really need a new one.It crashes 8 or 9 times on start up and someyimes I just can't face going through all that!

My friend K in Canada is in the hospital and I'm very worried about her. I thought I was going to lose her but as usual she is fighting back. We talked the last two nights on the phone and she she sounded great; we had a laugh. I love her so much! She knows everything about me and she accepts it and loves me as I am. That's a great gift and i treasure her.

I'm packing for our two-week holiday to Northumberland. I love going away but i hate the packing. I wish the packing fairies would do it all for me.At least the girls are old enough to pack for themselves these days.

My friend T visited this week; we had a lovely time. We went to Speke Hall and on the Ferry across the Mersey. It was great to spend time with her.I'm going to miss her loads while we are away - wish she was coming too LOL.

I'm hoping to take LOTS of pictures; Northumberland has wonderful scenery to say nothing of old castles and coast.

The heatwave continues here and although I'm hoping for slightly cooler weather I don't want it to rain on our holiday.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

I am annoyed with myself for being insecure and jealous. I hate it when I get like this. I can hear the "sensible" part of me telling me to grow up and stop being so childish - then the other voice takes over and i get afraid.

I really get on my own nerves at times like this; must be even worse for other people!

Friday, July 21, 2006

The Open Golf....

It took me a long time to get to work today. The traffic trying to get to Hoylake and the Open was terrible. What scared me was the lunatic behaviour of some drivers on the motorway. At one point I thought I was going to die! For various reasons (non intentional) I ended up driving through Hoylake. It looked pretty and very continental with lots of pavement cafes and loads of happy-looking people milling around in the sunshine. I saw several rickshaws in the West Kirby and Hoylake area!! What a fun idea someone's had!

At lunchtime I walked around the marine lake, enjoying the sight of numerous dogs having a dip in the water. I hope one day there'll be another dog in my life.

S's concert on Wednesday night and her Leavers assembly last night were great. She did so well. It's the end of an era though as she moves up to High School. She did really well in her SATS and both she and K got excellent reports. I'm proud of them.

I'm feeling sad though, as I see them grow up I feel them slipping away from me. I'm going to be a terrible empty-nester, I suppose.

Hurray, it's the holidays; I'm now only working four more days until the start of September thanks to all the extra hours the council owe me. Even after taking this time back I'm still 30+ hours in credit with them.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

We are roasting here in our heatwave conditions! I've just spent a very uncomfortable 90 minutes in the hairdressers getting my hair coloured and it wasn't fun sitting having a bow dry on a vinyl chair in 34C temperatures!!

It's hard to sleep at night. The fan does help but i tend to wake up when it switches itself off. I don't qite feel safe leaving it running all night.

Tonight we are going to a "Last night of the Proms" concert that Sian is in; I think we'll all melt in the heat. I almost wish i was at work as that is air conditioned.

I keep looking everywhere for Charlie and even talking to him still. We got his ashes back and are going to scatter them in the Lakes on Sunday I think. P posted a photo of him and a little tribute on the Corner and A (site owner) started a little "In memory of Charlie" thread. I'm touched that so many people understand how it feels to lose a much loved pet - and have been kind enough to send me their thoughts.

Friday, July 14, 2006

I have had such a busy day today at work - no time to brood on Charlie, which was good. The Open Golf Championship is being held near where I work and it has thrown the locality into chaos. Local residents aren't sure how they'll be affected and are coming to us for advice and help. We aren't even sure if we'll find parking spaces near the library next week....!

S came home from her adventure holiday. She was very upset about Charlie. Apart from that, she was full of all she'd been doing.

K and P were wonderful last night. K went to the vets with her dad and stayed in the room stroking Charlie until the end. P and K came to work because they were worried about me driving home upset and K chatted about school to me all the way home...keeping me distracted. I love her so much...she's been so mature and kind to me. I even got two hugs - without having to ask!!

My friend AS sent me some flowers - the most beautiful bunch in a gorgeous glass vase. We've not met but I think the world of her...she's special.Phil's friend G sent me a card - despite the fact he and i have had cat v dog arguments over the years! I've had such kind messages from my "blogger" friends too...thanks, everyone. I am truly blessed with my family and friends!

I've been thinking a lot about the Kipling poem. Despite the sadness that comes from losing our animal companions, all the years we've had loving them and caring for them and being loved in return outweighs that sadness a thousand times. Charlie was a rescue dog who'd been ill-treated and I know he was happy with us. So I'm going to make sure I keep thinking of that in the days to come.

I'm looking forward to the weekend as I'm not working and S is home! Plus it's going to be SUNNY!

Thursday, July 13, 2006

My dog, Charlie, who died today. Thanks for 17 years of love and loyalty, Charlie. I'll never forget you. When I came home tonight the house was so empty without you.

The Power of the DogbyRudyard Kipling

There is sorrow enough in the natural wayFrom men and women to fill our day;And when we are certain of sorrow in store,Why do we always arrange for more?Brothers and sisters, I bid you bewareOf giving your heart to a dog to tear.

Buy a pup and your money will buyLove unflinching that cannot lie--Perfect passsion and worship fedBy a kick in the ribs or a pat on the head.Nevertheless it is hardly fairTo risk your heart to a dog to tear.

When the fourteen years which Nature permitsAre closing in asthma, or tumour, or fits,And the vet's unspoken prescription runsTo lethal chambers or loaded guns,Then you will find--it's your own affair--But ... you've given your heart to a dog to tear.

When the body that lived at your single will,With its whimper of welcome, is stilled (how still!)When the spirit that answered your every moodIs gone--wherever it goes--for good,You will discover how much you care,And will give your heart to a dog to tear.

We've sorrow enough in the natural way,When it comes to burying Christian clay.Our loves are not given, but only lent,At compound interest of cent per cent.Though it is not always the case, I believe,That the longer we've kept 'em, the more do we grieve:For, when debts are payable, right or wrong,A short-term loan is as bad as a long--So why in--Heaven (before we are there)Should we give our hearts to a dog to tear?

When the body that lived at your single will,When the whimper of welcome is stilled(HOW STILL!)When the spirit that answered your every moodIs gone - wherever it goes - for good,You soon discover how much you care,And give your heart to a NEW dog to tear.

I am waiting in work for the phone to ring. I am not sure what I'm hoping for. All afternoon I tried to decide if I should go home...I was not sure I can face the vet's. K rang and said Charlie looked uncomfortable and as if he couldn't get up.That was at 4 this afternoon. I've not heard anything and now it's nearly 6 pm. Part of me wants to at least see him once more to say a proper goodbye - the other part just wants it to be over. I'm ashamed of my cowardly feelings - that I can't face the thought of seeing the light go out of his eyes.I wanted him to die in his sleep one night.

Of course I might go home and he'll be feeling better.....P hasn't phoned me and I daren't phone him. I'm dreading the drive home; i cried all the way to work this morning.

Everytime I've cried in the last 17 years, if Charlie has been there he's come and sat with me. He has always been on my side; never judged me or given me advice but just loved me. He was there when Mum and Dad died; when I thought I might lose K during my pregnancy. He was there through all the bad times in my life...

P is taking Charlie to see "our" vet, John, tonight at 4.20. I don't know what will happen. We found Charlie distressed and soaked in urine this morning. He was trembling and seemed very miserable. He's been doubly incontinent for some time now but it seems to be getting worse and worse. He was always such a clean dog.

I love him so much. He's been my companion for 17 years.I know he's "only a dog" but still...I can't bear to lose him.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

S has called a couple of times and although she says she had a little cry last night because she missed us she is doing ok and having a lot of fun. She was telling me that the food is great and there's plenty of it.

I went for an hours walk earlier.

This afternoon I had a pedicure. I really enjoyed it and felt wonderfully relaxed. Then as I was getting in the car I knocked my toe on the gas pedal and scraped off some polish - damn! I managed to repair it but it's not quite as good....

Charlie just threw up on the hall floor. He is virtually incontinent now - P doesn't think it can be much longer.

Monday, July 10, 2006

I just said goodbye to S. I cried all the way back to the car. I am praying she doesn't have any friendship problems while she is away. Her school friendships are so volatile and things are often more intense on holiday....I don't want to think of her having no-one to talk to if things go wrong.

But on the positive side she's really excited and looking forward to the trip and I'm sure she'll enjoy all the activities as much as her sister did two years ago.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

I have had a great Sunday! I didn't do a lot which is probably why it was good. I had a lie in and read my book; got up and did some baking then just pottered around the house. Watched a "True Movie", pottered some more - then had a shower and we went to see the new Pirates of the Carribean film which was excellent.

Tomorrow S goes away with school for a week...my baby! She's never been away from home longer than a night before and I'm going to miss her so much. She is so excited...I'm praying all goes well for her and the staff keep her safe.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

S on her 11th birthday at a nearby shire horse centre.

I have a friend in hospital. I am worried about her. Lately I don't feel I've been a good enough friend to her.

Another very hot day here in England. Tonight I've been to an induction evening at the high school and we collected S's uniform for september. I have very mixed feelings about my baby going to high school. It's the end of an era. I don't feel she is as ready as her big sister was either but after her tour round tonight and meeting her form teacher she seems fairly ok about everything. It will simplify life having them both at the same school again...but the days of nativity plays and cake sales etc are over for me and i feel a bit sad about it.

At my baby bounce session this morning I was looking round at the mums and babies and thinking how fleeting those days of babyhood are and you just don't know it at the time. I love my girls more the older they get but it's a different relationship - well, I can't reduce them to giggles anymore by pretending to throw them up in the air! We are evolving but I'm not sure yet what we're evolving into!

When will i start to feel like a grown up? Someone who has all the answers? Sometimes i feel the older I get the less i know about life. i am tired of making so many mistakes as they don't just impact on me but on everyone else.

On the exercise front I went for a bike ride. After my course tomorrow I'll swim and then hopefully walk in the evening.

Monday, July 03, 2006

I slept very little! it was so hot. I put the fan on but P started sighing about the noise it makes. He was louder than the fan! So i switched it off. But it was too muggy. On goes fan again...At some point P and I had a chat as neither of us could settle. In a funny way I enjoyed that. It was nice to talk to him again as we've both been so busy lately always running off in opposite directions.

Shortly after the bloody birds started singing!!

The weekend exercise diary - Saturday i walked for an hour and took a bike ride with Sian. Yesterday we walked for an hour or two around the shire horse centre and I went for a short walk just before bedtime.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Well, another weekend is over. Today was S's birthday and i think she had a good time. We went to a shire horse centre; I think i enjoyed it more than she did.

I'm seriously thinking of volunteering to help with the local branch of Riding for the Disabled. I've never got over my horse obsession and it would be good to get some horse time as well as supporting a good cause. I'll make some enquiries.