Throughout the ages philosophers have pondered mankind’s great metaphysical questions. What is the meaning of life? What is man’s purpose on earth? How does one get a Jamaican woman to like you? The latter is possibly the most difficult conundrum of them all. How does one court and win over God’s most complex and wondrous creation – the Jamaican damsel?

Here at ThingsJamaicansLove.com we’ve spent a lifetime pondering this very question and we’re keenly aware that there are many frustrated men out there looking for guidance. Alas, young Romeo, we dont have any definitive answers for you. The best we can do is to give you a few suggestions based on a lifetime of research and (occasionally painful) experience.

First of all, you’d better be prepared to spend some money. The worst thing a Jamaican woman can say about you is that you’re cheap. This is not to say that Jamaican women are materialistic, let’s just say that Jamaican women prefer a man with a certain, shall we say, generosity of spirit. After all, in a bad economy, spending money on a woman is a very “tangible” way of showing your appreciation. As hard-working, ambitious creatures Jamaican women appreciate a little generosity and will gravitate towards a man with whom they can share their burdens and improve their circumstances.

Given the Jamaican female’s appreciation of a generous man your best bet is, very early in your courtship, to offer to pay for your lady’s rent, hair and nails. This will establish your kindness and, if you’re lucky, she’ll be the independent type who’ll be deeply impressed but will politely refuse your generosity. If you’re unlucky, she’ll be the licky-licky type who will gleefully take up your offer and empty your wallet faster than a pickpocket on a #75 bus to Papine.

The next thing you need to know is a hard-to-explain-but-nonetheless-true quirk of the Jamaican female psyche. A Jamaican woman will not want you unless other women want you. You could be dumb as dirt and ugly as sin, if she sees other women showing you attention, she’ll be inclined to think that you’re worthy of the same from her. Similarly, if you’re handsome and accomplished but no one is checking for you, she’ll assume that it’s because no one wants you and the reason is that there’s something horribly wrong with you that she hasn’t found out yet. (Maybe you’re cheap).

So how do you get out of this situation if you’re a nice guy, but no woman is currently showing you any attention? TJL’s advice for solving this chicken-and-egg dilemma is to get an attractive female friend to accompany you to a party where you know the object of your affection will be present. Have that friend drape herself all over you and hang on your every word. The women in the party will eventually notice and begin exchanging theories as to why your companion is so attracted to you: “Him mussi have money”, “Him mussi full ah lyrics”, “Him mussi have a donkey b#ddy”. By the end of the evening, without a shred of evidence, they’ll have concluded that you are a cross between Warren Buffet, Denzel Washington and Ron Jeremy. Congratulations. It should be much easier to approach her now that you’ve adjusted her perception of you.

Next, when courting a Jamaican woman, you should ensure that you treat her mother with respect. In your lady’s mind, how a man treats her mother – a woman who he is not seeking to seduce and to whom he is not related, i.e. a woman he has no particular incentive to treat well - will speak volumes about how he treats women generally. So mek sure yuh regularly sen’ howdy fi Mama and occasionally send her a few Julie mangoes from your backyard.

Having won over Mama, another good way to help your cause is to win over your lady’s girlfriends. Jamaican women frequently travel in groups (some say “packs”) and the opinions of a woman’s friends are often of critical importance to her. You are therefore well advised to try to get them on-side from early. One approach is to try to win over her entire crew because, having charmed them en masse, there’ll be no one left to object to you. Alternatively, you can try charming the girl in the crew with the strongest personality. As the “alpha female”, once she tells her friends how great you are the rest may fall in line. Or maybe they won’t. The critical thing to bear in mind, however, is that if the crew decides they don’t like you, your chances of winning over your beloved will be about the same as the PNP winning Tivoli Gardens in the next election. i.e. Slim.

The problem with the aforementioned approaches (charming her friends and mother etc) is that they’re difficult to pull off. You’ll have to be a genuinely great guy to succeed – which rules out most of us. If you can’t win over her mother or her crew then you may want to try the “lame antelope” approach.

What is the lame antelope approach? Well, its similar to the approach a lion takes when hunting a herd of antelope in the wild. The lion will ignore the strongest antelope and seek out the weak, the sick and the lame animals in the herd. Having done that, he’ll separate a straggler from the group and go in for the kill. No, we are NOT suggesting you stalk and kill anyone’s best friend. Pay attention. We simply mean that, in your lady’s group of friends, you should identify the girl who is easiest to approach and then seek her help in getting to your real target.

The lame antelope is most likely to be the girl who is easiest to win over. There’s always at least one who’s a little sweeter, a little kinder and little more gullible…oops…I mean more gentle, than the others. Well find her and pay attention to her; listen to her problems and do nice things for her. The news of your sweet, thoughtful nature will filter back to your real target (the strongest antelope) and, because the news comes from someone she trusts, she’ll assume it’s true. Hopefully.

These tactics may seem less than ethical but wooing a Jamaican woman is like a caveman hunting a wooly mammoth with a stone spear. It’s a hazardous venture and sometimes requires a man to be ruthless. In addition, being a nice, ethical guy probably won’t help because Jamaican women don’t necessarily want a nice, ethical guy. They may say they do, but this is mostly rubbish and should mostly be ignored. What many Jamaican women want is a man who challenges and excites them. Those qualities are personified by the Jamaican “bad bwoy” and if your reputation is too clean and you don’t have a few bad habits to make you interesting then you may end up alone. The solution? “Rough up” your image a little bit. Have a couple of outside kids with various women, spread a rumour that you did some hard time in a US prison and drive a car you cannot possibly afford. Trust us, this kind of “mix-up” attracts some women like honey attracts bees. But bear in mind, as Junior Gong says, “If you use cheddar as the bait, you recruit a rat”.

Note: Jamaican women are crazy and have no idea what they want. This is a random observation and we have no idea how you can use it to your advantage, but it would be remiss of us not to let you know.

You should also be aware that once you get into a Jamaican woman’s good books you need to work hard to stay there. Don’t mess it up. Once her perception of you has been fundamentally altered it will be difficult, nigh on impossible, to change it back. As my granny used to say, “Sorry cyaan buy solja lorry”.

Finally, you need to know that Jamaican women are accustomed to dealing with Jamaican men. This means they’ll be well aware of, and have very low tolerance for, your tricks, stratagems and almshouse behaviour. They’ve already heard your corny lyrics, they know you’re trying to use their friends to get to them and they know you don’t actually like mama’s sweet potato pie. This just means you have to be twice as sneaky to get to them. We’re kidding! Before you resort to some Oil of Get-di-Gyal from an obeahman from St. Thomas we suggest that you just be a nice guy and try to win her over with your good ways. However, there are no guarantees whatsoever with this approach and from our observation it fails just about as often as it succeeds. So if it doesn’t work, we suggest you try to charm her mother, win over her friends and spend some money on her. Good luck loverboy!