How Couples Can Cope with Different Libidos, Sexual Desire

Using a simple scale can help you figure out who's right - or wrong - for you.

I’ve learned from counseling countless men and women that everyone needs to know what I call their ‘Sex Number.’ Simply put, on a scale of 1 to 10, how sexual do you consider yourself? I use a simple 1 to 10 scale frequently when working with clients to help them figure out where they fall on this basic scale.

Knowing your sex number is crucial for many reasons. If you’re single, you need to ask yourself what number range you want your future partner to be in. Once you’re in a relationship and tied down because of the emotional attachment, realizing that you’re sexually incompatible can be extremely frustrating. If you’re the one who wants more sexual activity because your number is significantly higher than your partner’s, you might find yourself doing any of the following: constantly pushing for more sex; taking your partner’s lack of interest in having sex with you personally; or looking outside of the relationship to get your sexual needs met.

If you’re in a relationship already, I’m sure you could come up with the number that you believe fits your partner. (I hope for the relationship’s sake that your numbers are in a similar range). The next time one of you tries to initiate sexual activity and the other isn’t interested, remind yourself what your sex numbers are. The most important benefit of knowing your sex number is that it prevents everyone from taking sexual interest and libido levels personally. One member of a couple I saw in session recently said, “I stopped feeling bad that he never seeks me out because I realize he’s a 2 and I’m an 8.” I’ve spent almost two years seeing this particular couple, and it’s the intervention where I asked them to state their sex numbers that has proved to yield the most significant impact. Who knew, given all the years I spent studying complex theories in grad school?

If you are very sexual, you have a significant need to engage in sexual activity regularly and frequently. If you are not very sexual, you have a need to have your partner understand that you have a low sex number and don’t want to be pressured to be sexual when it’s not really something you want. Everyone understands that a very sexual person is going to feel frustrated if the partner isn’t very interested in sex, but many people forget to think about the frustration the less sexual partner feels. After all, who wants to be pressured into anything, disappoint your partner or be made to feel guilty if you’re simply not an extremely sexual person? For the less sexual partners of the world, many of them would rather give up sex altogether than continue to argue about it.

What should you do if your sex numbers are very different but you’ve been together for a long time and don’t want to end the relationship? If either or both of you feel significantly frustrated by the difference in sex numbers and the discrepancy has been the source of more hard feelings and awkward or angry conversations than you can count, the two of you need to find a way to compromise so that both of your needs get met.

Discuss a Menu of Sexual Acts

One way to compromise is to broaden your range of activities that the two of you consider sexual. In addition to the obvious sexual activities, add other forms of touch and intimacy into the equation. Include light touching and massages, as these activites reinforce intimacy. If the more sexual partner wants more, the more sexual partner can masturbate, for example, while the other watches. In order for this to work without producing unnecessary drama and tension, the two of you must first discuss what you want from the encounter. Person A says, “I’d be up for some light touching, and I could kiss you while you masturbate if that’s okay.” What, you ask? This doesn’t sound romantic? Don’t dismiss deliberate conversations about sex because they prevent a lot of negative feelings in the long run. When you first learn to start discussing sexual plans with your partner, it can feel awkward and uncomfortable; once you get used to talking about sexual acts, the conversations will become automatic to the point that you don’t think twice about it.

Rethink Monogamy

The vast majority of romantic couples in American society report that they're monogamous, despite the fact that a high percentage of individuals within those couples secretly seek out sexual adventures with others. Secrets, of course, are bad news for the obvious way that they can destroy intimacy. If you and your partner have vastly different sex numbers and the less sexual one isn’t interested in compromising to have more sexual activity, you both should consider creative ways that the more sexual partner can get those needs met. If you’re a couple who would consider letting each other have the occasional sexual dalliance outside the relationship, make sure to keep the lines of communication open to avoid growing apart. Perhaps you’re a couple that must set specific rules: never engage in sexual activity with the same person more than once, only seek out adventures on vacation or far away from home, and so forth.

Sublimate Your Sexual Energy

The first time I ever considered the various ways an individual could sublimate sexual energy, I was in a supervision session in grad school with one of my mentors. She shared with me that her own romantic relationship had become fairly unsexual over the years, and went on to explain that she had found a way to sublimate her still-strong sexual energy into making art. The benefit of sublimation, a high-level defense mechanism, is that you can choose to sublimate sexual energy into whichever behaviors turn you on, so to speak. For some, it may be art; for others, it may be woodworking, exercising, making music, or writing. It's important to note that all of the behaviors I'm suggesting actually produce a tangible result, so the mental energy isn't wasted on feelings of frustration, sadness, or anger. Bottom line: If you have decided that you want to stay with your partner for the long haul, despite the difference in sexual interest, sublimation of your sexual energy is one of the healthiest ways to manage your sexual thoughts and feelings.

Consider ending the relationship.

As a therapist, I'm hard-pressed to believe that ending a relationship for sexual reasons is a good idea. Given that the are so many alternatives (sublimating the energy, changing the parameters of monogamy, and compromise), my hope is that couples find a way to keep the good parts of the relationship rather than throw it away. Yet I also know the reality, that sometimes the dynamic between a couple gets tarnished to the point that going separate ways is worth considering. If you and your partner have tried hard - and tried many different ways - to compensate for the difference in your sexual numbers, have a conversation where each of you discusses the pros and cons of splitting up.

Ultimately, sex is always a delicate a subject, and navigating it within a couple requires that everyone be careful and sensitive as they set out on the course to get their needs met. Be mindful of the ongoing need to change and adapt, and your life will reward you!

Great post, Seth, thanks -- I have a question about your experience using 1-10 scales with your clients. Have you ever had cases in which both people in a relationship report the same number (or close to it) despite significantly difference levels of sexuality? It could be as simple as "everybody thinks he or she is average," so both members would say five or six (for example). But I can imagine it may go deeper -- the low-sexuality partner may not realize how much more sexual many other people are, and the high-sexuality partner may have the opposite misperception.

In other words, I'm curious how often the theoretical problems of defining the endpoints of the scale -- which is often more of a theoretical concern than a practical one, I admit -- does show up in your experience? (Even if it did, I'm sure you'd draw the difference out in other ways -- my question is merely a matter of my curiosity, not a challenge or a criticism, I assure you!)

This is the paradox of a self-defined scale. While it happens that people with differing actual levels will perceive the same number, I think that may actually be of more therapeutic value than if they report a 3 and 9. It is obvious to the couple that something is going on so an obvious numeric discrepancy doesn't have the same shock value as does both of them being a 5. With the same reported value, now we need dialogue to get to the root of the issue. Just my take on it Mark. I think it is a great question with much opportunity for discussion. I wonder if having the couple rate each other would provide substantial value also.

I consider myself highly sexual. I have taken to seeing other married people as a way to deal with my high sex drive and my husband's low one. Nobody involved in the married and dating lifestyle wants to split up and destroy their families, and this is a viable alternative. It also gives one the ability to talk to people who are just like you struggling with mismatched sexual drives.

I have considered this as well. Does your husband know, or are you going the discreet route? I also would never want to destroy my family, but a sexless marriage is...well, you already know.

I don't know if you'll even see this comment since the article and your reply are from a few years ago, but I would really like to know if it's possible to live that way and not have everything come crashing down. Thank you for sharing your experience.

I am a little skeptical about the long-term consequences of the sublimation strategy. I know a woman who employed this strategy for more than 15 years--pouring her energy into art and into parenting. First, her life was out of balance and her energetic parenting was, by her own admission, too energetic. Further, the whole thing fell apart ultimately. She found a colleague arousing and suddenly the resentment toward her sexless marriage became too acute to contain. It is true that her years of sublimation were artistically productive, but in the end,she found that her artistic outlet was not an adequate substitute for erotic outlet.

I'm thinking along the same lines as Hank. Sublimation can work for a time, but not for years on end. Also, the "getting your needs met elsewhere" deal will usually work for only so long. If the other spouse has agreed to this, it's usually only a matter of time before jealousy seeps in. If it's done under the radar, most people will eventually get caught and then everything blows up anyway.

Great, strong and honest article. Ending the relationship due to different 'sexual number'? Professionally, it aligns with my approach as a Marriage Counselor. Your no-nonsense approach indicates that there is a way to provide
effective marriage counseling; a rare commodity in many circumstances.
Thanks for the non-politically correct approach article.
Cheers,
Dr. Joe

I don't see many of them here or anywhere in the psych world, but this is OK. All options are on the table in cases of mismatched sex drives, without shame a partner can express themselves freely. I hinted to my wife of my bi tendencies before we married a few years ago, I'd wear sexy panties to bed, I accidentally left gay porn on my computer, she finally asked me if I was gay and first I said no, and then later I came out to her. She looked concerned about the marriage but we talked it out and I explained i was not going to cheat on her with either sex. She came back with an idea later which blew me away, She said I could have safe sex with men sometimes but she wanted to be present. Unfortunately finding a gay man online who will do to me what I want and not touch my wife is harder than it seems. She only wants to watch. So we found a pro, an escort and gay porn actor and we set it up online. It was amazing and safe and all the awkward rules were fine with the pro, more safety was better for him.

None of these suggestions will work for saving the marriage or relationship. Coping strategies or permission to have fun for the higher drive partner will not work in the long term. The responsibility for the problem needs to lay primarily with the lower sex drive partner as it should be them who need to work up to the level of the higher drive partner, regardless if they feel like sex. Them not feeling like sex and them being in control of the frequency of sex IS the problem here. The lower drive partner needs to change their mindset on the situation, and they need to learn to have sex even if they don't feel like it. It is impossible for the higher drive partner to lower their level. If the higher drive partner does not feel that their lover is engaged at the same level as they are, their union is doomed. If the lower drive partner is not willing for change and will only have sex on their terms, then that partner should consider asexuality.

So, then the higher sex drive partner gets to have all the control and the sex gets to be all on their terms? Or maybe you meant to say that both partners need to change their mindset and learn to be more giving to their partner, whether that means sometimes having sex when you don't feel like it, or sometimes tolerating not having sex every time you get the urge. Because that sounds healthier to me than "it's primarily one person's responsibility and their problem to fix." If genuinely offering to sometimes hold and kiss while the partner masturbates is not giving enough, then consider just how "giving" it is of the higher sex drive partner to be putting pressure on the other partner to always be available in whatever fashion deemed acceptable to the higher sex drive partner to meet their needs (which they should be capable of taking care of by themselves).

I'm trying to stay out of judgment, but your comment fills me with disgust. I have been on both sides of the equation, with the same partner even, and looked at from either side, your attitude strikes me as downright manipulative and abusive.

Submitted by FrustratinglyHappilyMarried on November 15, 2016 - 8:17am

See, I'm a 24-year-old white male of roughly average height/weight. My wife is 38, white, and considered obese in the public eye (but perfect to me). I'm the highly-sexual one, and she has a libido so low, she admits it likely doesn't exist anymore. We both come from very different upbringings and life-experiences.

She was raised with both parents in a highly conservative household, with two older brothers just a couple years apart in age. I was born without a father-figure, and until age 7, was raised by my aunt and grandmother until my mother found a man she would later marry. At age 8, my mother got married, but the man who I was told to call "dad" became mentally and physically abusive. We also took in foster kids, which took away my status as an only child, and diverted all of the attention from me, to my new, unfamiliar siblings, who would all come and go as time went on.

Neither of my wife's parents are the hugging type, nor are they very affectionate, and instead, would prefer to judge the close relationship I have with their daughter. However, my aunt, mother, and grandmother nearly always provided whatever amount of love and affection that I desired (which, I'll admit, is likely much more than average), and are all still my supporters through difficult times.

Now, I can't speak for my wife's adolescent years, as she and I haven't discussed much of that in the five years we've been together as a couple, but mine were absolute hell. As I grew older, I began to realize that the foster kids we took in were all treated better than me. I was given punishments where they did not fit the crime. Went to bed without dinner on multiple occasions because I was forced to finish writing copy-paper-long paragraphs about why I should obey my "father". Some male fosters we had would actually bond with the only male in my life, and he would teach them to use power tools, but exclude me from anything of the sort. When standing for hours with my nose in a corner or paragraph-writing quit working so well, and I grew even older, my rebellion was met with physical abuse. This went on for nine years. I would finally be free of my abuser by age 17 when he would attempt to take my life during an altercation, in front of my mother. That day, she decided to end their marriage, and thus remove our abuser from both of our lives.

I'd like to think that my treatment from 8-17 attributes to my somewhat "clingy" personality. The same as my wife's upbringing speaks volumes about her lack of affection toward much of anyone, including myself.

Now, with all that out of the way, I can explain some other things: When my wife and I first met, it was on a 3D chat site called IMVU. From age 13-19, I used this chat client to talk to people all over the world and make friends, as I was very much an outcast in school and most other social settings in real life. So one day, just a few months before my 19th birthday, we met online. My profile said I was 40, age verified (which required last 4 digits of social security number, I used my mom's years ago when I was a minor, with her permission... long story). She was 34 at the time. Age never came up for several months. During these prior months to meeting in person, we would talk about a number of topics, ranging from the weather, to our feelings, from relationships to sex. Everything you could think of. I found out she was married at the time, but very unhappy, and that's why she was online. I told her my depressing past, and she didn't run away. So it was decided that we would meet. This was the time that I would tell her my true age... there was a week of separation. She later claimed it was the shock of learning that the 40 y/o man she'd been talking to was now just a kid. But after thinking about it, if I could maintain such a respectable and mature attitude, despite my age, that a meeting in person would be good. By this time, there wasn't much more we could talk about over the Internet that we hadn't already discussed, and we had been sexting for weeks even prior to that. It was time.

The day we met, things started out a little awkward, but ultimately ended the way we both wanted it. Sex. And lots of it. It was utterly tantric that day, and throughout the night, with cuddling between for breaks. We lived an hour away in drive time, so our meetings only came every other weekend, and we would do the deed every time, all weekend, only stopping to go out to eat and such.

After about ten bi-weekly visits, she told me she's leaving her husband and moving out. That she wanted me to move in with her. I did. The sex settled down a good deal, but maintained a healthy number of about three times per week. I was happy with this. Elated, even. But then two years later, her job laid her off. She was the only one working at the time, between the two of us, and whatever income I could get, simply wouldn't be enough to cover our apartment, along with bills and other living expenses. We had certainly fallen on hard times.

Not long after she was laid off, we used up whatever little bit of savings she had, and started living off of credit. Thankfully, before it got to be too much, my mom offered to put us up for a while until we could get back on our feet.

Sadly, this move forced us away from all the jobs, as the economy where my mother lives is Flint, Michigan. It's been three years since our marriage, and since moving in with my mom, and we still aren't making enough to move out.

Since the move, is when the sex really started plummeting. Which I can completely understand. My wife had this job for 11 years, and suddenly they don't want her, and we have to move away from everything she knows. Depression was sure to set in.

Three years later, the depression has not gone away, and despite my best efforts to make things any better, I simply can't help. She's tried therepy, medication, you name it. Nothing works.

I've always been a sexual deviant ever since my interest in sex at age 14, but I would not consider myself an addict, as the definition of addiction is to lose control of the thing you're addicted to. Hypersexual might be more accurate, but I would still consider that a stretch for me.

My wife knows there's a problem with our sex life, but I'm always at her mercy when it comes to sexual intimacy. And even at that point, we do it the way she wants it, or not at all. Which, at this point, missionary has lost much of my interest, as this is the position I have been restricted to for over three years now. Oral sex is forbidden by her, both giving and receiving, and she prefers that I don't masturbate because it makes her sad. I've been hiding my masturbation from her for years now because that's what I've been forced to do for any sort of relief, but it's not enough.

There have been times where she'll try to get back into sex, and we'll schedule a day, bi-weekly to have our intimacy, but that only lasts for a few times before she refuses, saying she's sick, or has a headache, and then she completely abandons the schedule that we'd set.

This has happened on multiple occasions over the years, and I don't know how much more I can take. I don't think I can be with someone who has that much control over my sex life, and who uses it as a tool for manipulation when I try to stand my ground and tell her she needs to be more forthcoming on the subject.

I will go months without asking her for sex now because I know it won't happen. She'll even make promises when I do ask, that we can have sex later that week, and the day comes to do it, and she asks if I can wait until the next morning. I say yes, the next morning comes, I'm looking forward to some naked time, and she tells me to wait until later that night. Then the next morning again. The cycle will continue until I let it go and quit asking.

What am I supposed to do in a situation like this? I love my wife to death, and despite our lack of sex, we still get along on every other level, and spend every waking second of every single day together, which, most often is uneventful, but we're still together nonetheless, and I LOVE that about us. I'm just so sex and affection-starved, I'm unsure what to do anymore... especially when everything I've tried doesn't seem to work.

"I'm female. I don't want sex. I want a male to want sex all the time, and I want to choose the time and place to give in to him. There are always plenty of other males if he's not interested at the time and place I choose."