Tuesday, March 31, 2009

"Glycerine Queen" / "All Shook Up" [Bell, 1974]Late one stormy night while digging around in a friend’s attic, I found this gem of a 45 buried amongst discarded lamps and chairs, antique paintings of old ships, a static electricity ball, and a map that supposedly leads to One-Eyed Willie’s legendary record collection. One-Eyed Willie, for those that don’t know, was the most prolific record collector that Astoria, Oregon has ever known. Sure, this record’s a little beat up, but if what the map tells me is true, underneath the hideout of an evil family of escaped convicts lies One-Eyed Willie’s legendary lost 45 collection. I can imagine the adventure I might have as me and my rag-tag gang of friends out-wit Mama Derringer’s goons, befriend her giant, deformed, candy-loving son Rick, and discover the basement where One-Eyed Willie died the lonely death of any true collector, still clutching a photo of the girl that let him feel her up in high school.Whatever, I probably won’t bother since I got this new 45 to go home and listen to. I don’t even know what kind of shit that dude was into. Now hit play below, and be sure and do a good job gluing the penis back onto that statue.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Portland, OR middle school. “Ms. [redacted], what’s on your iPod?” [student thumbs through band names until one catches his eye. Listens.] “These guys aren’t heavy metal.” That’s right, it was a between-class POP QUIZ you little fucker, and guess what? You passed! Ms. [redacted] is just looking out for your future. Too bad she isn’t accepting “I dunno” as an answer to Yeah, but how rad are these guys? on the bonus question (would have accept “pretty rad”, “totally rad”, or a decent rendition of either Beavis' or Butthead's trademarked dance.) Ah well, you’ll do just fine still, just promise you won’t ditch your group to play keyboard for U.F.O. like theirs did.

Hit play below then go ask that girl to the dance - braces means her parents have money. "She's No Angel"

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Remember how I thought that Shari’s down off 405 in my hometown was a Denny’s, and how I always confused the dad from Empty Nest (and also Soap!) with the eagle from the Muppet Show? (hint: Richard Mulligan was white) Well, it shouldn’t come as any surprise that, at one time, this song was incorrectly filed in my brain as Elvis Costello. Whoops. Can you blame me though? You can? Is that what that smirk means? Take it easy on me, I just realized I’m not getting a Stuffed Hashbrown Platter outside the Northwest, that Sam the Eagle probably never lectured Kristy McNichol backstage, from his giant blue perch, about her cocaine use as I’d imagined he would have, and that no one knows what the hell I’m talking about.

But you know. You always do. That’s why you’re going to hit play, below. If you’re curious about the b-side, don’t be.

Friday, March 13, 2009

If you were to draw a line on a map, starting in Cleveland, Ohio, then northwest to Minneapolis, southwest to Omaha, up again to Bozeman, Montana, then all the way west to Los Angeles and finally, closing the loop with a point in Austin - not only would you loosely trace the Dead Boys disastrous first attempt at a US tour, it would make the shape of a heart - that could be seen from space, causing the crew of the International Space Station to make international space babies. Or just give each other hj’s. Ahhh, sweet, sweet влюбленность. That’s not gross, that’s the power of viewing giant hearts in zero gravity. Or, with a few extra stops in Tulsa and Jefferson City, a giant pirate skull. But let’s go with the heart shape for now, because there’s nothing to do in Jefferson City, and it’s a fitting icon for the pop transformation Stiv Bators would go through in his post-Dead Boys (yes!), pre-Lords of the New Church (meh) days.

While further facts of space intercourse will have to remain a secret for the time being (if you’re really curious, the elevator in my building goes up to 19! That should be enough time, right?), there’s a million fun facts I could share about this 45. For example, the other dude on there played in early 70’s powerpop’ers Blue Ash. And, did you know this was the best 45 of all time? It’s true… Oh shit, is that security? Grab my pants. Meet me back on 19 tomorrow? Quick, hit play for the tunes below and take it from Stiv, should you ever be run over by a car in Paris, please don’t simply try to “walk it off”, seek medical attention."Not That Way Anymore"

Friday, March 6, 2009

Do you know what I’m holding in my hand? Never you mind that, my other hand. It’s a trophy from the North American High Kick championship… for SECOND PLACE. I know what you’re thinking, “second place? That doesn’t sound like you!” No kidding, but that won’t be happening again, because this year, they’re putting 5% more Lycra into denim, and I’m putting 100% more ass-kicking on the turntable.

What the legendary Jesse Hector and gang did with “You Really Got Me” a good four years before Van Halen gave it the exact same send-up is all well and good, but the b-side is where I really start clearing the cobwebs from my ceiling fan… WITH MY FOOT. So start with a few Dandayamana Dhanurasana's, hit play below, and make sure there’s nothing breakable in the room. See you on the podium.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

I’d walked silently to the north end of the clearing, eyes staring at the faint trail in the forest earth that the crafty Orl Fane had left in his flight northward. I had been so close. I had held the precious tome in my own hands - only to lose it through an unforgivable failure to recognize its brittle truth. The massive form of Keltset loomed silently beside me, the great bulk bending close to the damp, leaf-strewn ground, the inscrutable face almost next to my own as the strangely gentle eyes studied the cracked tome. I recalled suddenly the strange prophecy related to them in the Valley of Shale on that dark, misted dawn over a week ago. It was the Shade of Bremen who had forewarned of the danger in the forbidding Dragon's Teeth - how one would not see Paranor, how one would not reach the other side of the mountain, yet would be first to lay hands on the Sword of Shannara only to allow the precious tome of Youngstown to be irreparably damaged. It had all been foretold, but whether it had been destiny, or simply and act of carelessness on my part, the journey for this magical artifact would end here.

Either that, or I got drunk and dropped it on the ground while I was Djing. Fuck, that’s the second time! At least I have the rips from the lp still… so hit play and listen to it the only way I’ll ever listen to this 45 again, on your computer. Why do you think I came over? Anyone going to eat the rest of this pizza? Ooooh, somebody's a fancypants with their Amy's brand mac n' cheese. No seriously, you mind?