Wednesday, December 21, 2011

I wanted to write the following in the satirical style of most of my recent posts. I truly did. The fact that over the weekend another high-profile dictator died at the ripe old age of 69 made my fingertips yearn to write a completely non-sensational post entitled "Another Man, 69, Also Dies." As I considered the logistics of writing such a piece, however, I realized that Kim Jong-il is a man that does not need a literary device like satire to mock his story--he mocks it himself in ways that completely overshadow anything I could ever wish to make up about him.

(On another note, the more people I talk to, the more I realize that few people understand that the previously written-about African man dying from a game of hide and seek alludes to the death of Muammar Gaddafi, and that BP did not actually make a new grade of gasoline comprised heavily of human shit and oily pelican tears. So for those who do not understand satire, are not familiar with news, or just happen to leave your head in your ass so that you don't lose track of it, I will preface the following by informing you that Kim Jong-il, Dear Leader of the great-ish nation of North Korea, died this past weekend.

With that said, I would like to tell you all the story of one of the greatest men to ever live.

Depending on who you ask, the late North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il was born on February 16, 1942. Personally, I prefer to ask the North Korean government, because their version of the story is way more awesome.

According to his official biography, as well as North Korean documents, Kim Jong-il's birth occurred in a secret log cabin at his father's military base, conveniently located atop North Korea's sacred Mount Paektu. His birth, naturally, was foretold by a swallow, which I assume implies that Kim is an extremely strong swimmer. After all, making it from the tonsils to the fallopian tubes is no small feat.

Kim's birth, according to the North Korean documents, caused winter to change to spring and a double rainbow to form over Mount Paektu. I am also partial to the view that Kim Tokyo-drifted out of the womb before exercising his groundhog-like influence over Korean climate patterns, and made everyone in the country, as well as one American man on YouTube weep openly, but I'm promising to try really hard to stick to North Korean facts here.