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Thursday, October 21, 2010

You’ve had enough of this shit. You and your bros are at the bar just having a quiet little evening aka challenging each other to #130 pitcher chugging contests, when you feel the vibration in your pocket. It’s a #122 text message from your fucking slam piece. “Where R you?? I thought we were supposed to hang out tonight!!” Fuck this bitch. You guys have been banging for the past two months and in a drunken moment of insanity, you actually agreed to the ultimate bro hell: a relationship. Ever since then she’s been crazy as fuck. She tries to get you to meet all her friends, hang out before midnight, and even be seen at the Caf together. And worst of all, she expects you to be sober the entire time. This shit just isn’t cutting it – you’re a fucking bro – you weren’t meant to live in society’s fucking cage of monogamy. As you read the text message you snap – tonight, much like every night, was made for you and your bros to get fucked up and hook up with slam pieces.

Through the haze of chugging three pitchers, you see a familiar face across the bar. You don’t remember her name, but let’s be honest, outside of your favorite porn star, what girl’s name do you remember? Then it hits you – that’s one of your slam piece’s friends. Sure she was annoying as fuck when you met her, but she might as well have been wearing one of Big Ben’s favorite DTF t-shirts because she was looking for some dickin’. You approach her and within 10 minutes, you’re getting fucking dome shots in the girls’ bathroom. Thirty minutes after you emerged from the ladies room doing “The Dougie” while your bros #4 chanted your name, your slam piece calls – she’s fucking pissed. You don’t pick up the phone and don’t even fucking bother listening to the 5 minute long screaming voicemail. You just send her the three words that make you a free man: “We’re done bitch.” Serves her right. That’s what she fucking gets for trying to control you. While bros hate being trapped in a relationship – you better fucking believe they love dumping bitches.
Now I know what everyone out there is saying – “How the fuck would bros ever get into a situation where they would have to dump a bitch? Bros don’t have girlfriends, they have slam pieces!” While this is by definition true, there’s a problem. Slam pieces realize bros are the most genetically perfect human beings so they naturally get attached. They don’t want just a #31 one night stand, they want the whole fucking thing. Sadly, there is only so much bro to go around, therefore we have to step up and do the right thing. We have to let those bitches know when we’ve used them up. Bros get such a fucking high by seeing how devastated a girl gets when she finds out she’ll never get to bang them again. The more she cries and begs to stay together, the more he realizes, “I’m really fucking good at banging!” So how does a bro dump a girl? Let’s take a fucking look!

Loud Public Dumping – Everyone says the smart thing to do when you’re breaking up is to do it in public - that way there won’t be a scene. Well, bros do that shit in public, but they do it to make a scene. By dumping a girl at the bar, while everyone and their fucking mother is around to witness it, not only do you let the World know that you’re single and ready to bang some strange, but that you are the one that did the dumping. Slam pieces fucking love a bro who’s in charge, so this shit just makes you even more of a bang-magnet.

Ignore Her – Say it’s past the point of a public dumping and you just want to move on and really never talk to her again. In this case, it’s best to just ignore the shit out of her. When I say ignore, I don’t mean just wait longer to return her phone calls or text messages – I mean just straight up pretend that she never fucking existed. Like say you run into her at the bar - treat her like a stranger. When she comes screaming in your face about why you won’t talk to her, ask her what her name is. She’ll probably call you an asshole or some shit, but just tell her that’s not your name and introduce yourself. If she doesn’t get the picture by this point, make it clear that you’re single and ask her if she’s got a boyfriend. By acting like she doesn’t exist, eventually she won’t. It’s like David Blaine shit, bitches.

Cheat on Her - Sometimes, bros just need to do the honorable thing: bang another slam piece. Now this is tricky - since bros are the smartest people on the fucking planet, they always get away with #65 cheating, but when you’re trying to dump a bitch, you WANT to get caught. Perhaps the best method is by banging one of your girlfriend’s roommates, #59 Sorority sisters, or even one of her real sisters. This ensures that she will definitely find out. In addition banging one of her close friends will be easy as shit since all girls fucking do is gossip, so they will have definitely heard how fucking awesome you are at banging. She’ll usually be so embarrassed that she’ll never want to speak to you again, which is obviously a fucking jackpot. Side effects for her may include years of therapy, but don’t worry - her future husband/ “taster of your dick” will pay for that.

“Let’s just be friends.” It’s a phrase the rest of society uses when they break up. It may ease their guilt, but luckily for us – we don’t get guilt. When bros dump bitches, there’s no worrying about her feelings or telling her “it’s gonna be alright” while you gently pat her on the back – there’s fucking #44 tears! After all, being with a bro is the pinnacle of any girl’s life. Despite her violent eruptions and ridiculous claims that we’re “assholes” for sleeping with their sisters, time will pass. You fucking know that some late night down the road you’ll get that text saying, “What are you up 2??” Oh, she’ll be back for another ride on the Pound Town Express alright – they always come back.

32 comments:

Browen Wilson
said...

Great post, NYB. Reminds me of a few years ago when I was "dating" this one slampiece, and she started saying emo bullshit like "oh if you ever leave me I'll cut myself" or "My heart bleeds like my vagina" and stupid shit like that. You better fucking believe I ignored the shit outta that bitch. Who is she to tie down a bro.

Banged a fucking slampiece couple weekends ago. Got like 9 texts from her the morning after so you best believe i ignored that shit. Few days later she sends me an email telling me that i took her virginity and shit and she was scared but she wanted to do it again. Clearly I forwarded that email to every bro on campus

I'm literally going through this situation right now, I went to visit a college campus, got wasted, danced with tons of other girls then dumped the bitch and she is still coming back for her daily dose of boner toner.

this may be one of the greatest posts of all time. Funny shit happened today. So im in class, reading this post while simultaneously texting this slam piece who I foolishly entered a relationship with. I get to the part where nyb says, the three magic words, “We’re done bitch” and i knew I had to end it right then and there. So I sent her the three magic words. Sure enough a minute late she calls me during class, and I knew this would be the perfect time to make this a loud public dumping. So I answer the phone and she begins yelling at me, while I ask, "Who is calling, Do you have the wrong number?" The bro hater teacher walks over to me and threatens to take my phone. I then reminded the teacher my father pays her wage, of course she apologized and sat back down, letting me finish the phone call, which I had then put on speaker phone. After that I hung up, and everyone started chanting my name, Mike, Mike, Mike, as i ran around the room giving high fives. She just texted me back 5 minutes ago, asking if I could forgive her. Its good to be bro

If you truly never want to talk to the bitch again straight up change your number/email/block her on anything. If you have used a fake name and never met any of her friends and pretend you have never met her this will truly freak the bitch out.

Not that a bro has any problems getting a slampiece to board the Pound Town Express but telling a bitch you met at the bars that night you'll date her will have her dripping wet like gutter full of leaves. I tell slampieces all the time that I'll date them and fuck for 3 nights in a row then move on to the next one. I'M not sue whether they're that fucking stupid and believe me or whether they want bro dick. Either way it works.

Ignoring her is absolutely priceless. The bitch goes insane because you're denying her of the three main things she wants: your attention, your dick, and more of your attention. I've learned that ignoring makes even the most 'normal' of girls go completely neurotic. It only makes bitches want the bro even more and a few months down the road all that equals for the slam piece is a one-way ticket to pound town while they think they're rekindling some bullshit relationship. Bros are the shit.

So bros... here it goes. Late one night around 4 am I am sick as shit of my bitch. Obviously she has been trying to bang me but i would much rather drink and let hot ass freshman dance up on me. Shes a great cook and often bakes me rice crispy treats to let me know "she cares". So since since she sucks so much that night my bros and I made a pro con list. Guess which side was heavier. So finally my main bro grabs my phone and says can I send this? I dont even care what it says and i go yea absolutely. I wake up in the morning and it says "Yo bitch, were done. All i like is our sex and rice crispy treats. I need to be single." I love bros.

NYB nailed it. The best way to dump a bitch is to ignore her and pretend like she's a total stranger. This is even easier if you've been banging her on the sly and haven't met any of her friends, because then she doesn't even have evidence that you were together.

I pulled this move on a slampiece my freshman year. Decided I was done with her and whenever she called I'd be like "who is this" and pretend I'd never even met her. She would try to confront me around campus publicly, and I was so good at pretending not to know who the fuck she was that she eventually became known as the "crazy stalker bitch" around school. She got kicked out of her sorority because they thought she was seriously nuts and even got banned from entering my dorm building by the Dean because he was worried she might be dangerous. She ended up transferring out of the school after sophomore year. Not that I give a shit - I pounded like 5 other chicks before she left, including two of her sorority sisters. Bro Life.