It has been almost two months; two months since I last had to help you bandage yourself. You were showing signs of getting better, and I wrote about that glimpse of light. (I’ve also written about the difficulties caused by work when you were ready to return.) You ask me to forgive you, but there’s nothing to forgive – I just want you to forgive yourself.

I’m sad for you

Sadly, it went wrong. Your blood pressure dropped and, just as I was about to leave work, you called to tell me you were on your way to the hospital. I’d wondered if this was coming because you hadn’t been as happy. You’d had some hard days at work, where you were struggling to avoid anger. And the black dog was pawing at the door again instead of continuing to walk to his bed.

As we went to bed that night, you kept asking if I’d forgive you. And as we got ready the next morning you asked a few times again. I think you had to keep asking because I didn’t get the premise behind the question. I’d forgive you, if there was something to forgive, but you don’t need my forgiveness. I’m sad you relapsed. I’m sad that you have to go off work again and that you struggled with three half days. While I know it makes my life harder, I don’t think that you’ve done something I need to forgive.

Forgiving yourself

I love you. Completely. I will stay and support you as best I can. I also realise you don’t need my forgiveness, it’s your own forgiveness you need. The scars embarrass you. When help has come, the blue lights outside our house embarrass you. And the fight within your own head makes you feel even more worthless.

No matter how much I love you, no matter how much I forgive you for what needs forgiving, and no matter what support I give you, it is your own forgiveness you need.

We will get through this

I wish I could give you that. I wish I could stop, and prevent, the panic attacks, the worries about money, your hatred of the work you do … and the situation you are in.

I hope I can emphasise this strongly enough. I love you. I forgive you, and I want to hold you and heal you through your pain. I’m doing my best, and I will support you through everything. Somehow we will get through this.