What if, instead of yelling our contempt at the people who consternate us, we quietly said, “Nevertheless, I love you”? What would the assholes think about that?

NGOs with attitude should be kicked straight outta the UN.

Don’t be angry with slaves: pity them, for they are but servants to the tyrant. Damn, that was a tough day at work.

Is there a Christian line of succession, e.g. God, Jesus, Holy Ghost, the Virgin Mary…? If God dies or is killed does Jesus take over, then the Holy Ghost, etc.? At what point does Barack Obama become acting God? What about Kanye?

Rejected Nas album titles: Jagged Little Ill, Triumph of the Ill.

Keep the home fires burning, but don’t burn my home fries!

New elements for the Periodic Table, 2015: idriselbium, bromancium, kardashium.

New dishes for my pun-themed restaurant: Baklava to the Future, Mongolian Custard Fuck, Mumford and Plums.

Despite well-intentioned efforts by people like Jimmy Carter, Habitat for Humanity is consistently outfunded by Habitat for Inhumanity, which has branches in nearly every country in the world.