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At BloodCenter of Wisconsin, The Wisconsin Donor Network and Wisconsin Tissue Bank, we understand how difficult it can be to lose a loved one. We deeply thank you for your loved one’s gifts, and we hope you take some comfort in knowing that it can help save or improve the lives of others. To help you and your family during this difficult time, we’ve created online support resources that include:

Suggestions on how to cope with your loss, including helpful checklists

Grief resources including websites and books

Links to local support groups

Tips for writing to transplant recipients and donor families

Information on the Threads of Compassion program

You may also consider asking your local hospital for information about groups/resources available in your area and other donor family resources. When you call, ask for the Pastoral Care or Mental Health Department. The Wisconsin Donor Network (WDN) and Wisconsin Tissue Bank (WTB) are also here for you with donor family support services at: (414) 937-6999.

How to Cope With Your LossWe have compiled a series of checklists and suggestions that we hope will be helpful to you, especially in the days and weeks immediately following the death of your loved one.

Checklist of things to be doneMany people find a checklist helpful during the difficult first several days and weeks following the death of a loved one:

Choose a mortuary. Family, friends, hospital staff, or your clergyperson can help with this decision. The funeral home will work with you in making funeral arrangements.

Make a list and contact other family, friends, employers, business colleagues by phone. You may want to ask other family members and friends to help you with these phone calls.

Notify the school that children are attending.

Have someone keep a careful record of all phone calls, flowers, food donations, and people visiting.

Coordinate special needs of the household, such as childcare, cleaning, groceries, shopping, etc.

Write an obituary. Suggest including age, place of birth, cause of death, occupation, college degrees, memberships held, military service, outstanding work, and list of survivors in immediate family. Give the time and place of services and any other special comments.

Select pallbearers and notify them.

Contact an attorney who may be able to assist you with any legal issues.

Contact your local social security office if you are eligible for benefits.

If your loved one was living alone, notify the landlord, utilities, and tell the post office where to send the mail. Take precautions against theft.

What to do when you go home from the hospital

Decide on the type of funeral service and where it will be held. Talk as a family and decide if you’d like an open or closed casket, burial or cremation; and church, funeral home, or graveside services.

Find a funeral home. Feel free to check out a few funeral homes before making a decision.

Make an appointment with the funeral home of your choice. While you are talking to the funeral director, ask about the deadline for the newspaper obituary.

When you make funeral arrangements, be sure to have the following information about the deceased with your: - Date of birth - Place of birth - Education level - Mother’s maiden name - Employment - Death certificates (request approximately 12 to 15 certified copies) - Picture for the newspaper (optional) - Clothes for your loved one - Burial policies

Begin gathering photographs for a slideshow and picture boards.

Notify family, friends, and schools (if appropriate) and give them the arrangements.

Appoint someone to keep records of food, calls, cards, and visits to the home.Ask someone to spend the first night with you.

What you will do at the funeral home

Be prepared to select and buy a casket and/or a vault.

Set the date, time, and place for the funeral.

Sign the contract agreement with the funeral home.

Inform the funeral director if you want flowers or if you prefer that donations be made to a favorite charity.

Create the obituary for the newspaper with the funeral director.

Select a cemetery if one has not already been selected by your loved one.

At the cemetery

If your loved one has a gravesite or mausoleum, ask the consultant at the cemetery to show it to you.

If your loved one does not have a gravesite or mausoleum, be prepared to buy one.

You will need to pay for the opening of the grave.

Take care of yourself Grief is different for everyone and you will work through your grief at your own pace. Here are some suggestions to help you work through the grief process:

Be gentle with yourself.

Take one day at a time.

Be willing to surrender to the grief process.

Allow yourself the time and right to grieve.

Remember that most of the time people do not know what to say to you during this difficult time. Try not to take anything personally.

Find someone you can talk to. This will help you process your feelings.

Create “Grief Rituals.” Some examples of rituals:

Buy a special candle and light it at times that are special to your loved one’s memory such as his or her birthday, Father’s Day or your anniversary.

Write a special note in a balloon and let it go.

Help feed the hungry/homeless at a holiday such as Thanksgiving.

Create a scrapbook of memories.

Donate gifts in your loved one’s name.

Find a tree in the woods, tie a yellow ribbon around it, and go frequently to remember. (This is especially helpful when ashes have been scattered and there is no gravesite.)

Offer a scholarship in your loved one’s name.

On his or her birthday, holidays or your anniversary, buy your loved one a gift and donate it to a hospital or nursing home.

Hang a Christmas stocking for your loved one and fill it with special notes from family and friends.

Buy a Christmas ornament each year to remember your loved one.

Create a memory ceremony, which can take many forms. You might consider an actual ceremony in which you place a flower in the room, write a poem, journal, plant a tree, write a letter to the deceased, pray or adopt a cause (MADD, e.g.).

Be prepared for a range of emotions and physical symptomsIt’s normal to experience a range of emotional and physical expressions of grief. Emotionally, you may experience:

Sadness and/or depression

Forgetfulness

Guilt or anger about what happened or didn’t happen in your relationship with the deceased

Unexpected anger towards someone else, God or the deceased

You may cry easily and/or unexpectedly

Mood swings

Discomfort around other people

A desire to be alone

A sense of death being unreal or that it didn’t actually happen

“If only” thoughts

Fear of what will happen next

Doubts or questions about why the death occurred

Desire to run away, or to become very busy to avoid the pain of the loss

Feeling like you are “going crazy” when overwhelmed with the intensity of the feelings

Physically, you may experience:

Tightness in your throat or in your muscles

Heaviness or pressure in your chest

Inability to sleep

Periods of nervousness or even panic

Lack of desire to eat

Desire to overeat

Visual or sound hallucinations of the loved one who has died

Headaches or stomach/intestinal disorders

Lack of energy

Inability to concentrate

Talking with children about death

Death is a difficult topic for anyone but talking with children about death requires even greater sensitivity. By addressing the concept with honesty, children are better able to understand the changes the adults in their lives are experiencing.

Children need to talk about their feelings after the death of someone close. One of the greatest gifts we can give to children is to honor their grief and teach them ways to communicate their feelings. These guidelines may be helpful.

Age differentiations

A child’s understanding of forever, irreversibility, causality, and transformation varies depending on age and maturity. Although these age differentiations have been classified by experts in child psychology, keep in mind that the age categories are generalizations. For example, a mature five-year-old may be able to comprehend more than a less emotionally-mature six-year-old.

Ages 0 to 3

Following a death, most children this range will understand that the routine in their home has changed. They will not comprehend that someone is dead, but they will understand the sadness. The chaos and emotions in the household may cause some anxiety.

Try to:

Keep your routines as normal as possible

Keep the child around familiar people

Hug and cuddle your child often

Ages 3 to 6

Children in this age range tend to think that death is reversible because they see “reversible” death in movies, cartoons and even in religious stories.

Exercise care in using specific explanations rather than over-generalizations like

“Grandpa died of old age” or “Grandpa is sleeping.” The child may generalize this information to mean all older people are awaiting imminent death.

Suggestions:

Explain the difference between being old and sick

Monitor “magical thinking.” The child may feel she/he caused the death by wishing the person dead. The child may also try to “wish” the person back to life.

Comfort the child by allowing free expression of all emotions including anger, fear and sadness

Ages 6 to 9

Most children in this age group understand that death is final. Honest, direct, age-appropriate communication with the child is extremely important. These kids can understand basic physiology and the results of traumatic accidents. Children in this age range may respond well to books and stories that explain death.

Suggestions:

Validate all of the child’s feelings and share your own personal responses to death

Help the child to say goodbye by coloring a picture, writing a letter, saying prayers, etc.

Consider allowing the youngster to participate in funeral planning by doing something such as choosing the flowers

More tips for talking with children about death:

Talk less and listen more

Encourage children to express feelings

Give the child your undivided attention

Empathize

Be patient

Control your anger

Avoid arguments and criticism

Ask them questions

Donor Family Support – Grief Resources

To help you easily find resources and information that may be helpful to you and your family during this difficult time, we’ve created lists of online links and books about dealing with the death of a loved one.

Online donor family support resources

Below are a list of online resources that can help you move through the grieving process:

Sometimes, donor families want to write to transplant recipients and their families to share information about themselves and their loved one. For some donor families, sharing information with the transplant recipient helps them move through the grieving process. The choice to write or not to write to the recipient is totally up to you.

Wisconsin Donor Network handles the written correspondence between transplant recipients and donor families. All correspondence is completely anonymous and identities are kept confidential.

If you would like to write to the transplant recipients, you may send a greeting card or letter.

Here is some general information you may choose to include:

Your loved one’s first name only

Their hobbies or interests, job or occupation

The state in which you live (not the city)

Your family situation such as: marital status and if you have children or grandchildren (do not include last names)

If you are going to make religious comments, please keep in mind that you don’t know anything about the recipient’s religious affiliation

In closing your letter

Sign your first name only

Do not reveal the name of the hospital

Mailing your card or letter

Place it in an unsealed envelope

On a separate piece of paper, write the following information and then put it in the envelope:

Your full name

Your loved one’s full name

Date of the donation

Mail to:

Wisconsin Donor Network / Wisconsin Tissue Bank

PO Box 2178

Milwaukee, WI 53201-2178

Wisconsin Donor Network will review your card or letter first to ensure confidentiality, and then we will forward it to the transplant center. The transplant center will then send it to the recipient.

Because your card or letter must be mailed to Wisconsin Donor Network and then forwarded to the transplant center, it may take a few weeks for your letter to reach the transplant recipient.

Will I hear from the transplant recipient?

You may or may not receive a response from the recipient. Many transplant recipients have said they are overwhelmed with emotion and have difficulty expressing their gratitude in words. Others may take several months or even years before they feel comfortable writing to their donor family.

The following information applies to writing to the families of organ donors only. If you would like to write to the family of a tissue donor, please contact your surgeon. The decision to write to the donor family is very personal.

Sometimes, transplant recipients want to write to donor families to express gratitude. Many donor families have said a card or a personal note from the recipient offers them some comfort. The choice to write or not to write to the donor’s family is totally up to you.

Wisconsin Donor Network supports written correspondence between recipients and donor families. All correspondence is completely anonymous and identities are kept confidential.

If you would like to write to the donor’s family, you may send a greeting card or a letter. Here is some information you may want to include:

Include your first name only

The state in which you live (not the city)

Your job or occupation.

Your family situation such as marital status and if you have children or grandchildren (Do not include last names)

Your hobbies or interests.

If you are going to make religious comments, please keep in mind that you don’t know anything about the recipient’s religious affiliation.

If you want to talk about your transplant experience, consider the following:

Use simple language

Recognize the donor family and thank them for their gift

Describe how long you waited for a transplant

What was the wait like for you and your family?

Explain how the transplant has improved your health and changed your life

Can you participate in activities now that you couldn't before your transplant?

Explain what has happened in your life since your transplant

Did you celebrate another birthday?

Did your son or daughter marry?

Did you become a parent or a grandparent?

Did you return to school or accept a new job?

Closing your card or letter

Sign your first name only

Do not reveal your address, city or phone number

Do not reveal the name or location of the hospital or the name of your physician

Mailing your card or letter

Place it in an unsealed envelope

On a separate piece of paper, write the following information and then put it in the envelope

Your full name

Date of your transplant

Mail to:

Wisconsin Donor Network

9000 W. Chester Street

Suite 250

Milwaukee, WI 53214

Wisconsin Donor Network will review your card or letter first to ensure confidentiality, and then we will send it to the donor’s family. It may take a few weeks for your letter to reach the transplant recipient.

Will I hear from the donor’s family?

You may or may not hear from the donor’s family. Some donor families have said that writing about their loved one and their decision to donate helps them in move through the grieving process. Other donor families, even though they are comfortable with their decision to donate, prefer privacy and choose not to write to the transplant recipients.

Remember –– the donor's family may still be coping with the loss of their loved one, and people manage their grief in different ways. While you may be celebrating the anniversary of receiving your transplant, it is also the anniversary of their loss. Please communicate in a sensitive manner.

Want to become part of Threads of Compassion? Threads of Compassion is a volunteer group that knits and crochets comfort shawls for future BloodCenter organ and tissue donor families. The group meets at the Honey Creek location once a month (we have both a day session and an evening session). The pattern and yarn are both provided, all you need to bring is your talent and choice of tool. For more information call 414-937-3102 or visit out Volunteer Opportunities page.

Requirements Any skill level for both knitting and crocheting is welcome.

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