Thursday, March 13, 2008

it's elementary, watson.

This article was printed today (March 13) in the good ol' University Journal. It will probably make the MOST sense to people who go to SUU...but it can still be enjoyed by other people i think. or hope. or demand. or something. Anywho, here it is:

It's difficult to pinpoint exactly what pathway my thought process took to arrive at this subject, but a few days ago I found myself pondering what life would be like if children were in charge of grown-up things.

Really, what would elementary school be like if it was infused with adult-ish elements? Let's consider the possibilities if, say, different groups from SUU found themselves in the realms of childhood …

Student Government: Considering that it's election season at SUU, my thoughts turn to what campaigning would be like among elementary students. Would handing out free stickers successfully secure a slew of devoted voters?

And what about campaign slogans? I can picture the signs now: "I rule and you drool," "David dominates at double-dutch," or "Bobby smells so vote for me." (Heck, if any of SUU's current political parties put up signs of this nature, I'm pretty sure it would secure my vote, at least.)

The University Journal: Just imagine if 4th graders were recruited to write for The Tetherball Times or the He-Took-My-Lunch-Money Gazette. It is difficult for me to imagine a pigtailed, overalls-wearing youngster being the editor-in-chief-of such a thing. And besides, what would the ambitious little reporters write about?

You can only cover a game of four-square so many times without your sports section growing stale, and you run the risk of becoming a tabloid if you keep pandering to the umpteenth news tip from a "reliable source" claiming to have laid eyes on the ever-elusive sand monster.

Athletics: Oh my, just picture the possibilities if the athletics program at SUU was akin to that of a schoolyard playground! The biggest factors in qualifying for a team would be, a) if you can run fast enough to claim the kickball field before the other classes get there, and b) if you invited the right people to your birthday party.

Actually, I think it could do a lot for collegiate sports if football teams reverted to two-hand touch instead of tackling, and if all disputes were solved by games of rock, paper, scissors. Sheer brilliance, I tell you.

The Tipsy Team: I figured if there's going to be an SUU-style athletics program at the elementary school, then there had better be a group of high-spirited fans to accompany it. I mean, what little boy doesn't want a crowd of rambunctious friends chanting "all day, every day" whenever he breaks his personal record in long-jumping off the swing set?

On the other hand, I think it might terrify the little tykes if they accidentally cut in the drinking fountain line and are barraged with a chorus of "PUSH IT" from the sidelines.

Academics: One good aspect of having college-level classes for elementary school children is that they would probably draw the most creative pictures on their scantrons on exam days. The downside is that recess would be out the window, and forget snack breaks or naptime.

And a little kid shouldn't expect any sympathy from his teacher if he doesn't quite make it to the restroom because he was too excited about the Bill Nye video. You're cleaning up your own mess, buddy.

I guess the drawbacks might outweigh the benefits in this situation, so maybe I should hold off on writing President Michael T. Benson or petitioning senate to create another branch of government named the Elementary Assembly. (But if I did, I would demand that a minimum of three representatives from every grade level be appointed.)

But still, even if a full-on SUU-elementary-school integration program wouldn't work out, I can't say I wouldn't enjoy a little more Oregon Trail and a little less WebCT every now and then.