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December 31, 2014

Goodbye, 2014

I write this with heavy eyes. The year started with a gamble and a promise. I ventured to a foreign land to educate myself and to be with my loved one.

"One last try," we mused.

In a place where sand and water calmy settled beside a city flattened by a concrete hand, my eyes devoured Bondi blue skies and classic architecture; my senses awakened to the taste of fresh salmon from the supermarket, the smell of good coffee from Africa and the sound of different accents.

I found my place in the academe. I became the student I have always wanted to be, excelling and for the lack of better phrase, having fun while learning. But things never go your way and these little epiphanies can only sustain you for so long. Even though a scholarship was granted as a reward for my efforts last semester, I would not pursue it. They say if you really want something, you will set your heart on it, work hard for it, fight for it, care for it and treasure it. There were many ways we could have stayed together. There were many visa options. But we chose not to. For the first time in my life, I gave up on something that could have taken me to a better country with flouride infused tap water. Yes, they have flouride in their tap water and we can't even get a proper water system.

Time has changed us. Together with him, in the place where we thought we would spend the rest of our lives, I had never felt more alone. But how could that be? We knew each other so well? With all our similiraties, I am certain that one would think we grew up together. Our tastes may have evolved, but our cores remained intact. We knew what the other was thinking, feeling and doing. We could spot even the most miniscule change in each other's facial expressions, non-verbal cues and even the change of rhythm in each other's voice upon encountering different scenarios and different people.

Somewhere along the way, our paths went off course. A traumatic event for example, such as losing a child, may have a different and worse effect on the mother than the father. People may change faster than needed. That's when I realized, we have become very different people in very different stages of our lives. We were so focused on being together that we had forgotten how to grow together.

I came home with a bitter realization, but with an honest heart. I had to live for myself. We have both known this for a year, but we didn't want to face it. We were physically together with happy memories here and there but generally, we were unhappy with ourselves.

We bade each other farewell and understood that we needed space from the relationship to let each of us grow. We don't want to close doors. I don't want to say anything with finality, because we'll never know what the future lies ahead. All I'm certain of is, I don't think we can be together for a very, very long time.

It has always been a gamble between us. I came home feeling bankrupt, but I'm rebuilding myself. I see it as an opportunity to be whoever and whatever I want to be and be wherever I want to be. I have never felt freerer and more honest with myself. I can truthfully say, I felt relieved and so much happier now.

I recall my time with him with a smile. He is such an amazing, intelligent and caring person and I will always love him from the bottom of my heart. We have never stopped loving each other and that's what really matters in the end.