30 Tricks You Can Steal From Social Butterflies for Approaching Anyone

Naturally, you want to make a good first impression with this person, but you have no idea how they will react to you. Will they like you? Will they reject you? Will they think you’re an idiot?

The fear of looking like an idiot by saying or doing something stupid is uncomfortably real. Maybe you have had it happen in the past. The thought of having it happen again is making you nervous about approaching someone.

I used to be terrified of approaching people too.

I would sheepishly stutter my way though an introduction. I would make futile attempts at small talk, only to flounder awkwardly. After enduring much frustration, I eventually stopped trying. I figured you couldn’t get hurt if you just watch from the sidelines and avoid putting any skin in the socializing game.

That’s not a fun way to live.

After all, a wealthy life is not just defined by how much money you have. It is also defined by how rich your relationships are with your friends and loved ones. Every relationship starts with you approaching someone whom you’ve never met before or the other way around. But most people don’t have the courage.

I decided to work on my social skills. They don’t teach you how to approach people in school, so I learned from others whenever I could and experimented. I tried different ways to make a memorable introduction, to keep people engaged, and to leave people wanting to come back and talk again.

It took me years, but I eventually found a system that works–a system I’ll share with you today. So grab a cup of coffee and make yourself comfortable.

You’re about to learn how to approach a stranger with confidence, charisma, and even a little flair. These techniques will work regardless of whether you’re at a professional event or a hot singles’ party.

Are you ready?

First step? Don’t do that to strangers.

How to Approach Anyone

1. Tackle approach anxiety

Are you deathly afraid of approaching people? If so, then you may a bad case of approach anxiety. As with most fears, the way you conquer approach anxiety is to desensitize it.

That is, you shouldn’t treat other people like a total stranger. If you want to have a fun conversation then act like you’ve known the other person your whole life. It will lead the interaction with the right vibe.

Also, think of your conversation as a chance to make the other person feel good about themselves.

You need stories ready to make the conversation interesting. They don’t have to be dramatic or funny. But they should serve as fun conversational starters. That way, you’ll have something to fall back on when conversations turn into a lull.

Obviously, you’ll scare someone if you don’t. People are naturally wary about meeting a stranger at first. The way you ease their wariness is to have a relaxed smile that seems natural, not with a serial killer grin.

You don’t have to start a conversation in a witty way in order for it to be memorable. Don’t memorize lines. Just start with “Hi!” and you’re good to go. Of course, as you become more comfortable with strangers, you can add more flair to your bantering.

Always, always, ALWAYS pay attention when the other person introduces their name. Obviously, most people take their name very personally. So remembering someone’s name correctly will no doubt leave them with a good impression of you.

Dale Carnegie famously said that a person’s name, to that person, is the sweetest and most important sound in any language. Think of how you feel when someone remembers your name towards the end of a conversation. Feels pretty good, doesn’t it?

I know this advice sounds obvious. But then how come so many people absolutely SUCK at listening? It’s sad but true. So if you train yourself to be a skilled listener, you’ll no doubt instantly standout among the crowd. Listen more often than you talk.

It’s tempting to think that the world revolves around us. Not surprisingly, a lot of people talk about themselves non-stop because it feels good to them. However, being a good conversationalist means talking less and listening more. So don’t be a conversational narcissist.

If you don’t, then sooner or later people will realize you’re just a fool desperately trying to look smart. If you don’t know something, just admit it. Most people will be glad to explain. That way, you’ll actually learn something (and end up being smarter for real).

By filler, I mean the “umm’s” and “ah’s” people utter when they’re trying to think of something to say. Then there’s the dreaded “like” filler, as in, this is, like, the most annoying filler, like, ever!

22. Leave interrogation to the police and interview questions for hiring managers

Remember how I said you should ask really good questions to direct a conversation? It’s a good strategy, but don’t overdo it. If you barrage someone with too many questions, they will feel like you’re interrogating them.

Mix up your questions with some non-questions. Better yet, expand on the conversation based on what you’ve heard from the speaker to show you’ve have been paying attention all this time.

I used to worry about what to say whenever there is a pause in a conversation. I’ve since learned pauses are OK.

Admittedly, it feels a lot less awkward being in silence with a close friend than an acquaintance you have just met, but don’t worry, there are ways you to end the silence quickly and restart the conversation.

Yes, we’re back talking about hands again. This time we’ll talk about where to put your hands while you’re talking. Your body language says a lot of things about you.

You may think your words are wowing your listener, but if your body language is conveying a different message altogether from your words, then you’ll be fighting an uphill battle for the entirety of that conversation.

Smartphones have somehow managed to connect people like never before while simultaneously destroying face-to-face communication.

How often do you go into a public place (e.g. a train or a park) and find virtually everyone in sight to be thumbing away on their phones? In the age of rapid digital communication, it’s the simple look-them-in-the-eye conversation that is bound to be memorable.

As Michael Caine once said, “The basic rule of human nature is that powerful people speak slowly and subservient people quickly–because if they don’t speak fast nobody will listen to them.” Are you powerful or subservient?

This is, once again, another obvious-sounding advice, but how obvious is it really? I know many people who speak as if they are unsure of everything they say.

One way you can tell is they tend to raise their voice at the end of a phrase, the way you would with a question. Only instead, they do this with EVERY SINGLE STATEMENT they say. It’s as if they are asking you for permission to speak.

All great things must end. And sadly, that includes your lively chat with the lovely person in front of you. But don’t go out with a whimper! Like all great things, you should go out with a bang (and leave them wanting more).

42 responses to 30 Tricks You Can Steal From Social Butterflies for Approaching Anyone

Sometimes the best way to remove filler words is simply to speak a bit slower. Taking your time and formulating every sentence. I have tons of stories and I’m quite comfortable taking control and speaking slowly and clearly, but I need to ask some more questions and spend some more time just listening..

Hey Ragnar! Great to hear you’re comfortable telling stories at a slow and comfortable pace. Not many people I know can do that well so kudos to you!

As for taking the time to listen, I have a rule that I’d try not to talk about myself until I’ve given other people a chance to talk about themselves. You can do this by leading the conversation with good questions. Works every time!

Good article Ivan. The trick I learned based on my own experience of going out and approaching people is this – ‘You MUST get the other person to invest’

The secret to becoming attractive is that a person needs to invest in you. The more they invest, the more attracted they will be towards you because us humans naturally value the things we work towards and value it a lot more.

It’s the reason bantering works, particularly with girls because it provokes an emotional response which in turn gets them to qualify themselves to you and invest

Of course, it’s easier said than done. We need to get over approach anxiety first, but beyond that, it’s all about getting them to talk.

You make an interesting point on getting the other person to invest in you. If they do, then yes that would most likely make you seem more attractive.

That takes time and patience though. And I find that usually only happens after you’ve first shown genuine interest in the other person (i.e. with no hidden agenda). So be patient and keep up your efforts!

There are a lot of variables in order to break it down. Like for example, for someone to invest in you, they need to ‘value’ you enough to want to invest in you in the first place.

So if you having something that the other person needs, they will naturally invest in you anyway with little work from your part.

Otherwise, you will need to add value first by displaying attractive qualities that girls want – Good Physique, health, wealth, hobbies, confidence

Approaching girls gave me a massive realisation of my own value and made me realise what I need to work on. In short, the hotter girl is in comparison to you. The more value you’ll need to build and provide in order for her to want to invest in you.

This principle is universal, from applying to jobs, building a popular blog and becoming an authority figure.

Ah yes, very good points. Providing value to others is definitely a sure-fire way to get people to notice you. Of course, exactly what is valuable depends on the situation. But the general principle of being generous and helpful to others stays the same no matter what.

What a really through list. I was trying to think of something to add here, but I think you’ve covered it all. Like you, I used to be afraid of going up to people and starting up conversations. It can be nerve wracking if you’ve never done it before. In fact, it still can be nerve wracking.

Something I’ve learned a while back is that if you’re at a party and you want to start up a conversation with someone, you just have to do it. Don’t think about it, just do it. The first time is always the hardest. Once you’ve done it that first time, it becomes easier.

Steve, I too still get nervous whenever I’m approaching someone. I guess that feeling never quite goes away. And I agree: no matter how scared you are, you still need to do it!

In fact, the more nervous you are approaching a particular person, you more you need to approach them. We get scared usually because something is on the line, be it our egos, a potential hot date, or an awesome business opportunity.

Your fears are showing you where you need to grow. We both should remember that the more we practice approaching people (and facing our fears), the easier it gets!

I worked with someone named Andrew Elsass who spent a month with one goal in mind: approach at least 3 different people each day. I’m going to make a case study on it and include it in my eBook. A lot of interesting findings and realizations that would shed some insight into approach anxiety.

Wow, what Andrew did sounds fascinating! I imagine the hardest part is just to get started. I know that’s the case with me. As soon as I get over talking to that first person, approaching anyone else after that always seems like a breeze.

I resonate with so many of these points. I went through a very similar journey of feeling scared and introverted and then turning into a socially confident person.

Your point about “one-upppers” is really awesome and not talked about that much. I know someone in my own life who does this shit all the time. Obviously it’s coming from a place of insecurity and a feeling of never being good enough. It’s just great to hear someone talk about it

Thanks for the kudos, Kevin! I thought I’ll do something more than the typical post and walk through the WHOLE approach point by point. I’m glad you like it!

So you’re an introvert too, hey? Me too! Being an introvert can be hard in social situations, especially when everyone seems to be outspoken and interacting with everyone else (except you). I certainly know what that feels like.

Great to hear you’ve went on a similar journey as me to transform your social skills. We’ll have to compare notes some time!

What a great list of solid tips here! I am not a naturally outgoing guy, but I have been forcing myself to use a lot of these for quite a bit of time. Things like active listening and using people names are a wonderful way to really connect with strangers and make an impression that will last.

Love the list and all the links to what seems to be some interesting background material!

Thanks for all of these tips. I used to be very shy and really awkward in social situations, especially going to a social gathering alone. I have gotten a lot better at making conversation. But I typically get into a really long, interesting and meaningful conversation with one or two people. So the title of this post is interesting when it refers to “social butterflies.” I definitely don’t know how to move from person to person for short interactions. I’ll check out the links on ending conversations.

For me, it was all about approach anxiety. Once I learned to stop listening to the little voices inside my head I was much better off. I wasn’t afraid of talking to people, I was afraid of approaching them.

Well said! 30 tricks is a lot but I appreciate most #12 (Empathize and build a connection) as I have developed this habit and seems to work well in making a conversation with ease- that is, when you talk about commonalities between you and the other party.

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