Thursday, April 29, 2004

Eddie and the Turd, p.1

Eddie hadn't seen a turd like this in a long time. He'd been sitting in the recliner, one leg tucked under his lanky body, the other hanging over the leg of the chair. The recliner was reclined, but the only thing on the leg rest was a stack of comics, read and ready to be re-read, when he felt the pressure in his intestines. Eddie got up from the chair, after a quick glance at the bottom of his socks, admiring how dirty they were, and headed down the hall to the bathroom. He liked to let his memory wander back, whenever a bowel movement approached, to what he had eaten earlier in the day that might be making its exit from his body, via his rectum, in mere moments. This time, Eddie had reasoned, it was corndogs.

Eddie was 21 and he lived alone and he was the king of his world.

He didn't take anything in the bathroom to read, because he'd been reading before he got up to go to the bathroom, so what was the point? He would crap fast, and he would be back in the recliner reading, and life would go on, just like the song said. Eddie liked to play music, liked to have it playing all the time, and today it was the Beatles. Eddie liked the Beatles, and he liked the Beatles a lot, even though Paul was a bit of a pretty boy.

So he crapped and he stood up to turn around to take a look before he wiped (and looked at that too) and flushed and walked away. But he had to stop himself, had to stop as he reached for that first handful of paper, had to stop and look at the turd in the toilet. It was long, and it was kind of messy, not entirely solid, and it curved up over and past the hole the water flushed down into, and the tip at the other end, the last end that came out, poked out of the bowl water at Eddie. It was a good seven inches long, no, more like eight, and it was thick, it had left him a little sore. He hadn't thought much of it as it happened, but yeah, thinking back on it now, it had felt like a long turd. And even though it wasn't entirely solid, it had managed to stay in one piece. A turd like this hadn't come out of Eddie in a long time, and he took it as an omen of good fortune to come. It put his mind at ease regarding the events of the recent past.