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Simpler if Sadder

Families have tensions. What’s interesting about our family is that
we seem now to have fewer. Let me get this straight before I go any further. I would not wish this to have happened, not ever. But it has, and now we’re a few months down the road. I have some new perspectives. Perhaps for the first time there’s something positive in what is coming out.

So, tensions.Take the members of a normal, functioning family. They love each other and are connected by that gossamer like bond of family. That gossamer cord. Parent to child, parent to parent, mother to father, sister to brother, sibling to step parent; these many and various bonds form the intricate web of familiar interconnectedness. Each and every day brings stresses and strains and each and every day those bonds may stretched til taut by dispute and equally they might be be slackened flaccid by lack of attention. Family life is the edd and flow of tensions in our web as we divide our energies between those we love around us.

I was a father and a husband, now I am just a father. The web is simpler now.

Whilst I think of her all the time I don’t need to think of her needs anymore. It’s just the girls’ and mine. I’m just a dad.

The bonds between me and the girls grow thicker. And sure, in time, there’ll be tensions new between us. But in the meantime I find that life is less complicated than it was. I wouldn’t have asked for it, I don’t care for it, I’d switch back in a breath. But now it’s here I’ll try to embrace it. Simpler, and sadder.

And in that instant I’m instantly aware of the severed cord that trails behind me. Ah well. It was pretty good up until then.

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3 comments

I just want to thank you for giving us, the millions of fellow netizens out there, the privilege of sharing your journey through sorrow, grief, abject fear, and the gut-wrenching shock of losing someone who made the world seem the right way up.

I lost my mother when I was seven and reading your wonderful blog reminded me of the grief and the coldness of those dark times. My heart really does go out to you and your children. My wife lost her first husband and the loss will always touch her in some way.

And happy cycling in France if you can. We circumnavigated France by bike in 2008 and it has permanently changed my perspective on life.

My hope is that you and your children find that your cycling trip becomes the beginning of charting a new course through life.

I too appreciate your writing, your willingness to share your journey with loss and your willingness to let it move and change as you go. There is a raw truth in your words, I say that because I honour and value it, there seems no need for you to attach to what should be or ought to be. This gives love and loss new meaning – it gives it life and movement, it seems very healthy to me.

Too many times I have become ‘stuck’ with loss, unable to find my voice looking for some sort of acceptance or guiding light from outside of what to ‘do’ or feel. The courage to go with your gut, say it how it is, to not know, to change your mind………..that’s the way to roll……. the only way out is through and you seem to be doing such a great job of living with loss……living with it, letting it change you, not hiding, running, attacking or changing it – to me you can only do this if your heart is in it and it seems yours is.

My heart also goes out to you and your children and I have great admiration for what I can only describe as a sense of an open heart, despite the hurt and lost love. This surely is the way to go, however hard. Best wishes to you all.