Fucking and Feminism

Ladies, be warned: Your pussies are causing the downfall of society. If we keep posing for nude photos, sucking cock (and enjoying it), and getting Brazilian bikini waxes, our hard-won feminist gains will disappear, according to the latest generation of scolds and alarmists, writers like Ariel Levy (Female Chauvinist Pigs), reality show rabbi Shmuley Boteach (Hating Women: America's Hostile Campaign Against the Fairer Sex), and Pamela Paul (Pornified). To them, fucking freely is bungling our climb toward equality. These well-intentioned prudes proffer a false choice: Be the next Jenna Jameson or support Hillary for president. There's no room for a lusty woman in office (never mind Mary Carey's political ambitions), and certainly no credence given to strippers or adult performers, who they see as airheaded sluts.

We're in the middle of a culture war around sex, and it goes beyond left vs. right. Many of the voices quick to excoriate you for buttfucking, baring your boobs, having a threesome, or public sapphic smooching come from the left. Levy argues that women have to (and want to) out-'ho ourselves to fit into our increasingly raunchy, male-identified sexual culture. She cites Paris Hilton as a lead "pig." That the devil-may-care heiress wasn't chastened for her slutty ways irks those who think women should never flaunt their bodieseven voluntarily. Blogger Twisty of I Blame the Patriarchy (blog.iblamethepatriarchy.com) incited feminist ire when she wrote, "There's a reason that deep-throating a funk-filled bratwurst makes a person retch." Holier-than-thou pronouncements of sexual superiority don't scream "sisterhood" to me.

There's a world of difference between being branded a sex object and choosing to be one under certain circumstances. Recall Tad Friend's classic 1994 "do-me feminism" Esquire article, in which Lisa Palac said, "Degrade me when I ask you to" (emphasis mine). Women's true desires may not make for perfect propaganda, but sex is justifiably complex. I may like to get spanked until I scream, but I still deserve to be treated as an intelligent human being. Submitting sexually doesn't equal becoming a doormat outside the bedroom.

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Men are also unfairly judgedas brutish horndogs selfishly out to get as much sex as they can. The truth is, they're confused and constrained by the "macho" role too. Recently, a man asked me whether wanting to get fucked up the ass by a woman was "normal." Men have plenty of desires that aren't sanctioned by popular culture, leaving them to wonder if any woman will embrace such kinks as men wearing women's panties, getting tied up, or being penetrated with a dildo. On the other hand, women often question whether our dirtiest dreams (especially those involving BDSM) make us unfit as future leaders.

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Feminists are just like any other women, with a range of sexual desires and practices from doggy-style to bukkake, and it'd be a shame for us to hold back in a misguided attempt to live up to the legacies of Susan B. Anthony and Gloria Steinem. We can choose to be celibate or to have someone come on our face. Having a full range of sexual options should be a high-priority feminist goal.

According to Boteach, "No single factor has led to the greater debasement of women than the widespread availability of casual sex. If a man can get a woman without having to earn her, what incentive does he have to try to become a gentleman?" Aside from the obvious insult to both sexes, Boteach misses the real point: What good is power in the boardroom if we have to lie back and wait to get fucked? Why can't we pursue pleasure as aggressively as we pursue promotions?

Sara DeKeuster is one of my heroines. In 2005, in The UWM Post, an independent student newspaper, she ran a photo essay exploring her rape fantasies. The uproar was instantaneous. One blogger, Kyle Duerstein, wrote (but later deleted), "Sara DeKeuster ought be[sic] raped today. And after that, she ought be [sic] raped tomorrow, by someone else . . . she might be killed by her attacker. Maybe then, she'll get it, and if not, she'll be dead, and the world will be a less f*$!ed up place." The Women's Resource Center claimed the spread created a "hostile campus" and was "an active act of harm." In response, DeKeuster evoked Cindy Sherman: "I am not sorry for my art! It would be like saying I'm sorry for being a woman and that I like sex (or to be fucked rather)."

Thankfully, many of us are exploring our kinks in all their flavors. I'm thrilled with the thriving sexually explicit blogosphere, from Inside the Velvet Rope (redvelvetropeburn.com) to masturbation blog Wank Log (wanklog.blogspot.com), but feel we're only halfway there when almost every erotic blogger is forced to use pseudonyms for fear of exposure.

I encourage all men and women to make the sexual choices that are right for them, regardless of what's "cool." I can't tell you how to fuck. Instead of looking to gurus, activists, porn stars, and how-to books, you'd be better off looking inside, spending some quality time with your fingers around your cock or pressed against your clit figuring out what sets you off. Forget about the judgments of your friends and neighbors (who are probably just as wild in the sack as you are).

The feminist sex wars were largely fought before I was born, yet sadly, women continue to battle each other over what we do in bed, as if coming up with the most politically correct form of orgasm will automatically solve other inequities. I believe in advancing the cause of sexual freedom for everyone, by increasing our knowledge and offering room for fantasy and safe, nonjudgmental experimentation.

Sexual freedom is not the only, or the most pressing, issue facing American women today, but it's vital to any true feminist movement. Excoriating other women and berating them for a host of erotic sins creates unnecessary divisions and puts people on the defensive. No one has the right to tell you how to fuck.