Who Hijacked Our Country

Friday, April 30, 2010

George W. Bush: Yes, We Miss You

What’s not to miss? The economy was booming, and our treasury had a record surplus. Remember how the economy skyrocketed as soon as Bush got inaugurated? I don’t remember any exact statistics, but there had to be a tremendous surge in new hiring.

As conservatives are always reminding us, government regulations strangle the economy. Workplace safety rules are well intentioned, but — you know the drill here — “you’re only hurting the people you’re trying to help.”

One of the first things Bush did in 2001 was abolish a bunch of workers’ safety regulations that Clinton had just signed. His main target was office-type jobs. Tough shit for those sissy white-collar dweebs and their constant wailing and boohoohooing about “repetitive stress injury” and “carpal tunnel syndrome.” If those are real injuries, why don’t they describe them In Plain English?!?!?

Well, when those cumbersome regulations were lifted, bazillions of new jobs were created so fast, you just about had to jump back and get out of the way.

And let us Never Ever Forget: There were no terrorist attacks on American soil while George W. Bush was president. There have been plenty of domestic attacks during Obama’s presidency, of course. We’ve been the world’s favorite doormat and punching bag for these fifteen disastrous months. But again, there was not a single attack when George W. Bush was president. Nobody would dare!

And unlike the whiny socialist we’ve got in the White House now, you never ever heard George W. Bush apologizing for America. Nosireebob! Some of those pansy Democrats probably thought he should apologize. But By God he never did.

And the Bush family has paid a high price for some of George’s painful tough decisions. Laura Bush’s face has been completely immobile — she looks like a fuckin’ cadaver! — ever since that horrendous poisoning incident in 2007. “Vee vill neffer forgiff you for vat you did to us sixty-five yearsss ago!” thundered Klaus as he sprinkled poison in Laura’s drink. And her next drink, and the next one, and the one after that…

Yes, George W. Bush alienated people when he made difficult decisions and stuck to them. But look at all the disastrous things that have happened ever since Obama became president. It’s been a never-ending tragedy. The entire global economy went into meltdown! Obama gave trillions of taxpayer dollars to Wall Street and then just fiddled while Main Street burned. And then he ruined the Greatest Health Care System in the World. And as Rudy Giuliani keeps reminding us, the terrorist attacks have been merciless since January 2009 — one right after another, day in, day out…

Thursday, April 29, 2010

The Shocking Horrifying Truth About Obama’s Kenyan Citizenship

We already knew that Barack Hussein Obama was born in Kenya, into a primitive tribe of Communist Muslims. But it gets even worse. There’s more; so much more.

Tom Tancredo, in his never-ending quest for the truth, has discovered something even more devastating: Obama has been purposely withholding his birth certificate, just so he can stir up the Right and get them spewing and foaming and drooling even more than they already were.

What an evil genius!

Here’s part of the exchange between Tancredo and Alan Colmes:

Colmes: “You’ve seen he was born in Hawaii; he was in two Hawaiian newspapers within two days of his birth.”

Tancredo: “Anybody can put an article in a newspaper. Just show me your birth certificate!…..Now they very well not want to show it because they want to propagate this whole thing that’s going on about birthers. … They may be doing it for that reason; I don’t know why they don’t want anyone to see it. … They want it propagated because you know — "

Colmes: “It makes your party look nuts!”

Well there you have it. Obama engineered this entire charade from the getgo, just so the Right would look like a bunch of bug-eyed blithering tinfoil-hat-wearing nutcases.

Mission Accomplished.

And there’s more shocking news, this time from Alabama. Tim James, running for governor of Alabama, said in an ad: “This is Alabama; we speak English. If you want to live here, learn it.”

WTF??? I’ve gotta think about this. Now, if English is what they’re speaking in Alabama, then what the fuck are the rest of us speaking?

If y’all don’t towk just lahk us, then you jus’ git. We don’t fancy your kand around these ports. Y’all don’t come back now, you heah!?!?

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

James Bopp, Jr. — The Biggest Douchebag You Never Heard Of

Most Americans — of all political stripes — think the Supreme Court’s “Bribery is a Family Value” decision was a crock. James Bopp, Jr. had been planning and engineering for years to get this issue brought before the Supreme Court.

He isn’t exactly a household name — Yet. But that’ll change. His “work” has just begun.

There are still some types of bribery that the Supreme Court hasn’t legalized yet. James Bopp, Jr. will fix that. Ultimately, he wants to legalize not only bribery itself — he wants the people making the bribes to stay hidden under their rocks. No public disclosure. No right to know. Those lowly peons don’t need to know why Congress suddenly voted against a law that most voters were in favor of. Or vice versa.

No more “follow the money.” No more microscopic letters at the bottom of your TV screen saying “this sleazy pack of lies was paid for by _____________________.”

But don’t worry, that’s a long ways off. It’s all part of his ten-year plan.

For now, the next phase of his ten-year plan will be heard by the Supreme Court today. He thinks that when somebody has signed a petition to get an initiative on the ballot, that person’s name should remain private. Presently, your name and address are public information when you sign a petition. You’re taking part in the political process. I wasn’t aware of that myself, but I’ve never signed any petition that I was ashamed of or wouldn’t want other people to know about.

This whole can of worms got opened last year in the state of Washington. The state legislature passed a law granting unmarried couples (which includes those wicked homosexuals) almost as many rights and benefits as married couples. Again, that’s Almost. Washington doesn’t have gay marriage. This law was nicknamed “Everything But Marriage.”

Needless to say, this was too much for the local snake-handling inbreds, who immediately got a referendum on the ballot to overturn “Everything But Marriage” and bring Washington back home to Jesus.

The referendum lost. Everything But Marriage is still the law, and the sky hasn’t fallen or anything.

But the can of worms was now open. A gay rights group created a website called Who Signed. If the referendum succeeded in overturning Everything But Marriage, they were going to display the names and addresses of the petition signers on their website. Again, this is already public information under state law.

Anyway, the "I'm a bigoted sickfuck but I don't want my friends to know" Brigade is getting their day in court. The Supreme Court will hear the opening arguments sometime today. They’re expected to make their ruling this summer.

Barack Obama — The Twerp Factor

I used to love P.J. O’Rourke’s articles in Rolling Stone; and before that he wrote for Lampoon Magazine. He’s entertaining even if he’s a rightwinger.

Like it or not, shit like this is important to American voters; whether it’s conscious or subliminal. Americans want their president to be tall, well built, firm and decisive — Dirty Harry in a suit. It’s OK to be smart, as long as you don’t talk like some sort of intellectual elitist who thinks too much.

The 2004 presidential election might be the only time in our history where the shorter candidate won. The 1988 election was a choice between two ectomorphs. We elected the taller ectomorph.

Somebody once wrote that when Michael Dukakis was in high school, he probably raised his hand to remind the teacher that she forgot to give a homework assignment over Christmas vacation.

O’Rourke obviously isn’t trying to give helpful hints to Obama; but everyone can learn from negative feedback. After allowing the health care debate to rage on and on and on for a year — and here’s hoping his upcoming speeches will be more effective — maybe Obama could learn from O’Rourke’s description:

“The secret to the Obama annoyance is snotty lecturing. His tone of voice sends us back to the worst place in college…At the lectern is a twerp of a grad student—the prototypical A student—insecure, overbearing, full of himself and contempt for his students.”

I’m not saying I agree with this, but this is how a lot of people perceive Obama. I don’t want him to pretend his IQ suddenly plummeted to room temperature and start talking like Jim DeMint or Sarah Palin. But I do wish he’d start being more direct, more firm, more “of the people” in his speeches.

He’s personable and very articulate, but he sounds too much like a college professor at a faculty meeting. And this does NOT resonate with the public. He’s nowhere near as bland as, say, Bill Bradley — whom Molly Ivins described as “all substance and no Elvis.” But he should come out swinging sometimes; put more oomph into his speaking style.

There’s a lot at stake in the next few months: Wall Street reform and other raging issues, the Congressional election campaigns coming up. We already have millions of Americans who think Obama is a Communist Muslim terrorist who was born in Kenya. We don’t need a few million more Americans thinking he’s a twerp.

And WTF kind of name is Andre Bauer??? Well, which is he, a frog or a kraut? Why couldn’t the people of South Carolina elect an American to the position of Lt. Governor? Anyway, look at his picture and try to guess how far past the Arizona state line he’d get before It Happened: “Get out of the car, Wetback! What country were you born in? Show us your papersss!!!”

Did you ever have the pleasure of watching a brutal bloody fight between two people you hate? Check this out — Somali Islamic terrorists versus Somali pirates. Come on, stomp that motherfucker! Fuck him where he breathes!

Mentzer Media is the ad agency that manufactured a few “veterans” out of thin air so they could slander John Kerry in 2004. Mentzer Media’s newest sleaze venture is a “grass roots” organization called Stop Too Big To Fail.

You guessed it. What they really want to stop is the proposed financial reform that would PREVENT another meltdown requiring a billion dollar Wall Street bailout. Stop Too Big To Fail is spending $1.6 million (so far) on TV ads. The ads will warn viewers that the proposed financial reform is a “bailout fund” and they’re telling Congress to “vote against this phony financial reform.”

Now this probably has absolutely nothing to do with anything, but the Stop Too Big To Fail ads are only running in three states: Nevada, Missouri and Virginia. And these three states just happen to have a Democratic senator who's being targeted by the Right. (Harry Reid, Claire McCaskill and Mark Warner, respectively.)

The co-founder of Stop Too Big To Fail is also the leader of another Astroturf group, “Consumers for Competitive Choice.”

Get ready for the next round of spontaneous demonstrations. Soon your town will have throngs of Wall Street lobbyists and their gullible sycophants, yelling and carrying signs saying “Keep the government out of my bank account!” and “Your money, your problem.”

Here’s another link with more information on Stop Too Big To Fail and other rightwing stealth groups.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

WellPoint Eats Its Young

To paraphrase George W. Bush, you’re either with us or you’re with the HMO butchers. Or as Helen Hunt said in As Good As It Gets, “those fuckin’ HMO bastards, pieces of shit.”

WellPoint uses a computer algorithm that specifically targets women who have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. WellPoint then cancels the woman’s health insurance, using whatever flimsy “reason” they can dream up. Good thing we don’t have any of them socialist bureaucrats standing between a patient and her doctor.

Here’s the pattern: The woman has a well-paying job and a health insurance policy with WellPoint. She pays her premiums on time and has had no health problems. Shortly after being diagnosed with breast cancer, WellPoint’s army of “investigators” will pore over every detail of her life, determined to find something — anything — that she “omitted” from her application form. When they find it, or pull it out of thin air if they have to, her insurance policy is canceled.

“Aha, you purchased a bottle of Ibuprofen in 1998. You didn’t tell us about your pre-existing headache condition. Gotcha!”

This time-honored practice is called rescission. Tens of thousands of employed, insured and paid-up policyholders have had their health insurance canceled through this process. But it’s just now come out that breast cancer patients in particular were being targeted by WellPoint.

Now, for the low-IQ inbreds who hold up signs saying “No on Obamacare,” “Socialized Medicine!” “Your Health, Your Problem” — maybe they’ll have some constructive advice for these women.

Why don’t they tell these cancer patients, face to face, to get up off their dead asses, put down the bong and get out there and get a job.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Introducing: The Incredible Shrinking God

Some of these wackjob politicians are funnier than any standup comedian. Senator Jim DeMint (R-Dildo) told the Christian Broadcasting Network that “the bigger the government gets, the smaller God gets.”

Wow! It’s magic! Kids, don’t try this at home.

Here’s Jim DeMint up on stage, holding a great big bloatedgovernmentin one hand and a little teeny weenyGod in the other.

But wait. ***POOF*** Now he’s got a teensy shrunkengovernment in one hand — tiny enough to be drowned in Grover Norquist’s bathtub — and a giant omnipotent angryGod in his other hand.

Fun for the whole family.

DeMint also said the teabaggers have God on their side:

“I really think a lot of the motivation behind these Tea Party crowds is a spiritual component. I think it’s very akin to the Great Awakening before the American Revolution. A lot of our founders believed the American Revolution was won before we ever got into a fight with the British. It was a spiritual renewal.”

Hmmm…“the American Revolution was won before we ever got into a fight with the British…”

Too bad all those killed and maimed Revolutionary soldiers didn’t get the memo.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The Frank Luntz Guide to the Care and Feeding of Wall Street CEOs

Last week, Bitch McConnell was the laughingstock of the country when it was revealed that his Senate speech against financial reform had been lifted word for word out of Frank Luntz’ handbook.

Several months ago I did a post linking to Frank Luntz’ strategy memo, after it got leaked to the media. Now that the Wall Street vs. Main Street battle is heating up in Congress, I’m linking to it again.

It’s one of those F$%&#! .pdf files, but it’s short — 17 pages — and doesn’t take more than half a minute to download.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Muslim Fanatics, Christian Fanatics: Separated At Birth

For years, people have wondered whether there’s really any difference between the flaming Fundamentalists of these two religions. We’re all familiar with Freud’s projection theory: that we repress the things that we dislike about ourselves and see them in other people instead. (That’s not the exact wording of course.)

And I’m only talking about the twisted sickfuck fanatics of these two religions, not the billions of regular people who are Christian or Muslim.

But the narrow-minded hatred spewing out of the religious fanatics — they call their god by a different name, but other than that I don’t see a shred of difference.

Let’s see, God is pissed at the United States for passing socialized medicine, so He punishes — Iceland??? And it wasn’t just Iceland that suffered for America’s evil. Tens of millions of Europeans were grounded for several days because planes can’t fly through volcanic ash. And the volcanic ash even extended south to Kenya (Obama’s birthplace; pretty clever there, God; OK, I get it now). Kenya’s horticulture industry has been shut down by the ash, causing thousands of workers to be laid off.

It seems God is punishing everybody except us, and we’re the perps. He does indeed work in mysterious ways. If God was in a bar and got in an argument, He’d probably say “Shut the fuck up or I’ll go over to that guy in the wheelchair and punch him in the face!”

Anyway, back to the main premise: What exactly is the difference between the Rush Limbaughs and Pat Robertsons and James Dobsons and their sickfuck counterparts in the Muslim world?

If the United States wasn’t a secular democracy, the above-mentioned buttwipes (and their inbred minions) would be every bit as murderous as al Qaeda and the Iranian Revolutionary Guard. IMHO.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Beware of Hatriots

Bill Clinton gave a speech yesterday on the Oklahoma City bombing. The fifteenth anniversary will be the day after tomorrow. (Here’s another link to Clinton’s speech.)

Clinton said:

“One of the things that the conservatives have always brought to the table in America is a reminder that no law can replace personal responsibility. And the more power you have and the more influence you have, the more responsibility you have…I'm glad they're fighting over health care and everything else. Let them have at it. But I think that all you have to do is read the paper every day to see how many people there are who are deeply, deeply troubled.”

For a perfect example of power without responsibility, take John Boehner (please!). On the news the other night, he was giving a speech about all the recent threats and violence. He went on and on and on about how “the American people” are furious about Obamacare and “big government,” and then he finally got around to saying “well, I mean, ahem, of course we don’t condone that sort of thing, but…”

Clinton also fired back (figuratively) at Michele Bachmann for her constant references to “gangster government.”

“They are not gangsters. They were elected. They are not doing anything they were not elected to do.”

He specifically mentioned the Oath Keepers and the Three Percenters in his speech.

“Ninety-nine percent of them will never do anything they shouldn’t do, but there are people who advocate violence and anticipate violence.”

He also pointed out the obvious — or at least it should be — differences between the original Tea Party and its current namesake:

“It was about no taxation without representation. It was not about representation by people you didn’t vote for and didn’t agree with, but can vote out in the next election.”

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Happy “Teabagged Enough Already” Day

Ah, April 15th, the day millions of teabirthers have been longing for. Time to water the Tree of Liberty with the blood of those socialist tyrants who have ruined America.

As much fun as it is to shout and wave a bunch of inflammatory signs — and the more mis-spelled words, the merrier — let’s re-examine a few sentences from Obama’s SOTU speech a few months ago:

“Let me repeat: we cut taxes. We cut taxes for 95 percent of working families. We cut taxes for small businesses. We cut taxes for first-time homebuyers. We cut taxes for parents trying to care for their children. We cut taxes for 8 million Americans paying for college.”

And the clincher:

“And we haven't raised income taxes by a single dime on a single person. Not a single dime.”

But hey, enjoy the festivities. Don’t let a bunch of boring facts ruin the party.

As much as everybody bashes the IRS — what’s not to bash? — I’m in favor of one action they’re finally taking. Slippery employers who reclassify their workers as “independent contractors” instead of “employees” — Fun’s Over, Asshole.

For years, columnists and pundits — the late Molly Ivins among them — have been ranting against this slippery tactic. Employers who stoop to this lowlife stunt can save themselves a fortune — at everybody else’s expense.

If you’re an independent contractor, you’re your own boss. Nobody tells you what to do or when to do it, what to wear, when you can and can’t go on vacation. You have autonomy and independence, but there's no safety net.

Employees, of course, are under the boss’s thumb. But if they get sick, they MIGHT have health insurance provided by the company. If they get downsized, they’re eligible for unemployment benefits. If they’re injured on the job, they get workers’ compensation.

It was just a matter of time before a bunch of sleazewipe employers decided to have the best of both worlds. And now millions of workers have all the autonomy and independence of an employee, combined with the security and safety net of an independent contractor.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

“Twilight” = Satan

I haven’t read any of the Twilight books or seen any of the movies. But their popularity has been a Godsend for the economies of several Washington towns that had fallen on hard times, particularly Forks and La Push.

Twilight author Stephenie Meyer, along with J.K. Rowling (for the same reason), is one of the top complaint-generators among the Salem Witch-hunting community. The Twilight series was number five this year on the American Library Association’s annual list of “challenged” books.

This list also includes To Kill A Mockingbird, The Catcher In The Rye, The Color Purple and other threats to America.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The Free Republic of Oklahoma

Who knows what this new nation will be called — West Taliban, Teabagistan, Aynrandland…

All that matters is, the good people of Oklahoma are going to be Free! Next stop — Liberty! Godfearing self-reliant Americans can only take so much before they rise up in rebellion and break free from their communist oppressors. Socialized medicine, a colored boy in the White House — Enough!

Some Oklahoma teatards and legislators are talking about creating a militia to fend off them mandates from that there federal gummint. Al Gerhart of Oklahoma City, head of the Oklahoma Constitutional Alliance, said:

“Is it scary? It sure is. But when do the states stop rolling over for the federal government?”

Uh, let’s see, maybe when these same bastions of self-reliance and bootstraps no longer need jillions of dollars in handouts from that wicked federal government they hate so much. As we all know — this has been posted on countless blogs and online news sites; Google it — the red states contribute a lot less money to (and siphon a lot more money from) the federal government than the blue states.

Along those same lines, those church-going family-values red states have much higher rates of divorce and teen pregnancy than those devil-worshiping blue states. But I digress…

As noted above, Al Gerhart is from Oklahoma City. And his biggest fear is the federal government??? I seem to remember that Oklahoma City actually had a tragic event awhile ago; something a lot more traumatic than a government mandate. Let’s see, what was it again? Uhh, it was about fifteen years ago, come to think of it the anniversary is coming up in a few days. Oh, now what was it? Oh well, it’ll come to me…

Oklahoma legislators who are in favor of this new teabirther militia include state Sen. Randy Brogdon (who’s also a candidate for governor) and state Rep. Charles Key. Birds of a feather.

With so many red states flaming away, you kinda have to feel sorry for Mississippi. For decades, no matter how low a state might rank in a certain category, it couldn’t be any lower than forty-ninth because Mississippi had fiftieth place locked up solid. Hence the popular expression “thank God for Mississippi.”

But Mississippi’s claim to fame might be in jeopardy. Texas is busy rewriting our history textbooks; future students will learn that Jesus walked across the Atlantic, followed closely by George Washington on the Mayflower, and together they drove the swarthy savages from God’s Country and established Freedom.

And the governor of Virginia is trying to pretend slavery never existed. So, what about poor ol' Mississippi? Is Mississippi going to just take this lying down?

Monday, April 12, 2010

How to Guarantee Mine Safety

The following letter was published in our local paper yesterday:

“I have a simple resolution to the dangers in mine safety that won’t involve new rules or inspections. Just pass a single federal law that says all management and owners’ offices must be placed on the deepest level of the mine, and the problem will solve itself.”

Sunday, April 11, 2010

GOP: A “Mainstream” Nominee for Supreme Court

With a perfectly straight face — they must be world champion poker players — Republican leaders have said they want a “mainstream” nominee for the upcoming Supreme Court vacancy, and they will filibuster the nominee only under “extraordinary circumstances.”

Trouble is — who is mainstream enough to suit the party of teabaggers, birthers, racists and Salem Witchhunters? There just aren’t enough Real Americans out there.

Republicans recited their usual soundbite about “judges legislating from the bench.”

Jeff Sessions (R—KKK) said: “If we have a nominee that evidences a philosophy of judges know best, that they can amend the Constitution by saying it has evolved, and effectuate agendas, then we're going to have a big fight about that because the American people don't want that.”

Two questions:

1. How the fuck does he know what “the American people” don’t want? He’s obviously projecting his own backyard onto America as a whole. This method isn't very reliable, especially in this case. Most Americans continued their schooling after the fourth grade, can find Canada and Mexico on a map, and were born of parents who weren’t cousins or siblings.

2. Where was this dildo when the Supreme Court recently made their “Bribery Is Now Completely Legal” ruling?

Friday, April 09, 2010

America’s Most Effective Weapon Against Iran

Iran would lose $100 million per day if only the United States would impose a strong cap on carbon. Iran has the world’s second largest oil reserves. Their oil production is worth $120 billion per year.

If we can reduce global warming pollution by 80% by the year 2050, Iran will have lost $1.8 trillion in oil revenue by that date. That’s over $100 million a day.

The same effect — in much smaller dollar amounts of course — would apply to that commie America-hating regime in Venezuela.

If any conservatives were to stumble on the above linked article, their reactions would fall into one of two categories: “Uhh, too many big words. What’s it mean?” or “NOOOOO!!!!!”

So, are there any Democratic spin doctors out there who could take this and run with it? If the Democrats had anybody one tenth as shrewd as Karl Rove or Lee Atwater, America would be bombarded 24/7 with “You’re either in favor of a carbon cap or you’re with the terrorists!” Etc.

Just a thought.

And speaking of “just a thought” — Massey Energy owns that coal mine in West Virginia where scores of people have been killed. And this accident is only about the umpteenth tragedy to occur in one of Massey Energy’s mines. Now, I don’t suppose there’s any sort of connection here, but Massey Energy has also been spending jillions of dollars to defeat any and all efforts at curbing pollution and promoting renewable energy sources.

Now — going waaay out on a limb here — if Don Blankenship, CEO of Massey Energy, had spent just a teensy weensy bit less money trying to squelch clean energy legislation, and a tiny bit more money to upgrade the safety of his mines…

This is a very powerful message put out by VoteVets.org and Operation Free, telling us pointblank how our oil addiction is sending billions of dollars to Iran. Clean energy legislation is our only way out of this stranglehold.

I hope you'll link to this video and/or forward it to your friends. This message needs to get out there.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Arizona Cracking Down on Payday Lenders

Finally, some good news about Arizona. This state is a hotbed of rightwing activity. Everyone’s heard of Sheriff Joe “Have You Killed A Swarthy Immigrant Today?” Arpaio. And there’s a rightwing Republican who might unseat John McCain this November because McCain is too liberal. (???)

Several years ago Arizona established a 36% cap on annual interest rates. Payday lenders were granted a temporary exemption from the law, and that exemption expires this June. Arizona’s payday lenders often charge more than 400% annual interest. (No, that wasn’t a typo.) And now they’re wailing that a 36% cap is so restrictive, they’ll just have to shut down their entire loanshark operation in Arizona. Good fuckin’ riddance.

Checksmart is a nationwide payday lender that operates in eleven states, including Arizona. Make that ten, as of this June. Their CEO, Ted Saunders, sobbed that consumers “are looking for a dog to kick. They want to find a villain. They’ve done a good job of painting a big X on my back.”

Bang!

Arizona won’t be the first state to get rid of payday loansharks. North Carolina — another state you don’t associate with meddling socialist bureaucrats — and the District of Columbia have already done this. Hopefully more states will follow suit.

If the Republicans were still in power, the payday loan industry could have fallen back on the banking industry’s favorite tactic: bribing Congress into deleting all of those pesky state laws. When it comes to state versus federal authority, the Right has two soundbites: “States’ Rights!” and “a patchquilt of state and local regulations.” And whichever soundbite they’re blurting out at the moment, they completely forget about the other one. It never existed.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Governor McDonnell: “Slavery? Huh? What? Oh, That…”

“Understand the sacrifices of the Confederate leaders, soldiers and citizens during the period of the Civil War, and to recognize how our history has led to our present.”

For some odd reason, he didn’t mention anything about, uhh, what’s that word again? You know, when millions of native Africans were captured, shackled and brought over here on ships, and a lot of them died on the journey over here and the lucky ones who survived were herded into American plantations to become slaves — Slaves, that’s it! Slavery!

Anyway, that long dark chapter of Confederate history wasn’t important enough to be worth mentioning in McDonnell’s “Whip up the good ol’ boys” speech.

“There were any number of aspects to that conflict between the states. Obviously, it involved slavery. It involved other issues. But I focused on the ones I thought were most significant for Virginia.”

As you know, the Supreme Court has legalized bribery. But they haven’t legalized money laundering. Not yet anyway.

Money laundering, of course, is when a shell corporation is created by somebody who’s made a ton of money illegally. A drug kingpin, for example, could say “You’re accusing me of selling drugs??? I made this money through my tireless hard work at the ZYX Corporation, located in a post office box in the Cayman Islands. Any other questions?”

The corporate — and still legal — version is when a large company or wealthy individual decides to purchase an election by paying for a multimillion dollar advertising campaign. But they don’t want the lowly public to know that “ExxonMobil spent $300 million to defeat clean energy legislation.” (That’s just a made-up example.)

So they turn to their friendly neighborhood money launderer — the U.S. Chamber of Commerce. All Exxon Mobil (continuing the same example) has to do is donate their $300 million to the U.S. Chamber of Commerce. Then the only information voters have is that microscopic lettering at the bottom of the screen saying “this sleazy mudslinging intelligence-insulting commercial was paid for by the U.S. Chamber of Commerce.”

And now Congress — led by Rep. Chris Van Hollen (D-MD) and Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) — is getting ready to crack down on this slippery tactic. Needless to say, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce is acting like — well, like a cockroach when you turn on the kitchen light at 3 in the morning.

If this law passes, corporations who purchase the legislative process will have to slither out from under their rocks, into the sunlight, and identify themselves.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Keep Them Government Bureaucrats Out of My Internet Service

Freedom has prevailed! The Tree of Liberty has been watered. The Free Enterprise system has scored a smashing victory against those Creeping Socialists who wanted to regulate the Internet.

Long live the Internet! Well, for now, anyway — until our monthly rates go into the stratosphere while the service plunges south. Or maybe you’ll have the choice of either paying through the wazoo for the same service you’re getting now, or not paying the new exorbitant fees and being relegated to the slow lane. Dial-up speed at broadband prices.

But hey — We’re Free!!!

The FCC was smacked down earlier today by the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia. The American people don’t want none of that there Socialized Internet Service, thank you very much.

The Federal Communist Conspiracy had two goals, and they both went against everything our Founding Fathers stood for:

1. Net Neutrality. This was just a government power grab; an excuse for faceless bureaucrats to socialize the Internet.

2. Expanding broadband service to poor and rural areas throughout America. Let those parasites get their own broadband service.

Two years ago Comcast filed a lawsuit against this government takeover, and now the Court of Appeals has ruled in their favor.

FCC Chairman Julius Genachowski — now there’s a Communist-sounding name if I ever heard one — might appeal the ruling to the Supreme Court. Or he might ask Congress to provide additional authority to the FCC.

Monday, April 05, 2010

America’s Favorite Chicken Hawk Squawks Again

Bill Kristol says America should attack Iran. Once again, a sheltered trustfunded armchair warrior is ready to fight to the last drop of somebody else’s blood.

Appearing on Fox News yesterday, Kristol said:

“I think we have to have a credible threat of force and the preparation to use force against Iran. It would be much better if we used force against — to delay the Iranian nuclear program than if Israel did and there is no evidence that the US government is being at all serious about the use force there.”

Even if Iran were a threat to us — which it isn’t — Iran would not be the cakewalk that Iraq was. (Note to any conservatives reading this: the previous sentence was tongue-in-cheek.)

Iran is much stronger economically and militarily than Iraq was seven years ago. And given the West’s 60-year history of oppressing Iran (Google it), American soldiers would NOT be greeted as liberators, or showered with candy and ice cream by throngs of grateful Iranians.

Nina Easton mildly disagreed with Bill Kristol, but they both agreed that the Obama administration should “curry dissent” in Iran.

Yes, that worked out so well the first time we tried it, in the early 1950s, let’s do it again. And the coup that we engineered in Iran in the 1950s had absolutely nothing to do with the Iranian hostage crisis 25 years later. (Same “tongue-in-cheek” caveat as above, based on conservatives’ complete inability to grasp the cause-and-effect concept.)

Bill Kristol was asked if he himself would be willing to take part in this attack on Iran. Here was his response.

Friday, April 02, 2010

Flood Victims: Say Thank You to Jim Bunning and Tom Coburn

If you’re a New England resident whose home just got devastated by the flood — and/or you live in one of the 5.5 million homes that’s located in a flood plain — you’ll probably have some choice words for Jim Bunning and Tom Coburn. And their mothers.

Unemployed workers aren’t the only people who got kicked in the balls by those two inbred pusbags.

Funding for the National Flood Insurance Program (NFIP) was part of the bill that got blocked by the Douchebag Duet.

According to the Property Casualty Insurers Association of America, homeowners who need to renew — or add coverage to — their flood insurance policies are Shit Out Of Luck.

A spokesman for the American Insurance Association said:

“It’s unfortunate that the NFIP has fallen victim to the political process. Ultimately the people who will suffer the most are property owners who need new coverage or who need to renew their flood insurance policies.”