Monday, July 9, 2007

Living in the Moment

Here is an article by Ana Quindlen someone recently emailed me. For those of us that have grown children, so much of what she says rings true and for those who have young children, this is a great reminder to live in the moment with your children.

Anna Quindlen, Newsweek Columnist and AuthorAll my babies are gone now. I say this not in sorrow but in disbelief. Itake great satisfaction in what I have today: three almost-adults, twotaller than I am, one closing in fast. Three people who read the samebooks I do and have learned not to be afraid of disagreeing with me intheir opinion of them, who sometimes tell vulgar jokes that make melaugh until I choke and cry, who need razor blades and shower gel andprivacy, who want to keep their doors closed more than I like. Who,miraculously, go to the bathroom, zip up their jackets and move foodfrom plate to mouth all by themselves. Like the trick soap I bought forthe bathroom with a rubber ducky at its center, the baby is buried deepwithin each, barely discernible except through the unreliable haze ofthe past.Everything in all the books I once poured over is finished for me now.Penelope Leach., T. Berry Brazelton., Dr. Spock. The ones on siblingrivalry and sleeping through the night and early-childhood education,all grown obsolete. Along with Goodnight Moon and Where the Wild ThingsAre, they are battered, spotted, well used. But I suspect that if youflipped the pages dust would rise like memories. What those books taughtme, finally, and what the women on the playground taught me, and thewell-meaning relations -- what they taught me, was that they couldn'treally teach me very much at all.Raising children is presented at first as a true-false test, the nbecomes multiple choice, until finally, far along, you realize that itis an endless essay. No one knows anything. One child responds well topositive reinforcement, another can be managed only with a stern voiceand a timeout. One child is toilet trained at 3, his sibling at 2.When my first child was born, parents were told to put baby to bed onhis belly so that he would not choke on his own spit-up. By the time mylast arrived, babies were put down on their backs because of researchon sudden infant death syndrome. To a new parent this ever-shiftingcertainty is terrifying, and then soothing. Eventually you must learn totrust yourself. Eventually the research will follow. I remember 15 yearsago poring over one of Dr. Brazelton's wonderful books on childdevelopment, in which he describes three different sorts of infants:average, quiet,and active. I was looking for a sub-quiet codicil for an18-month old who did not walk. Was there something wrong with his fatlittle legs? Was there something wrong with his tiny little mind? Was hedevelopmentally delayed, physically challenged? Was I insane? Last yearhe went to China. Next year he goes to college. He can talk just fine.He can walk, too.Every part of raising children is humbling, too. Believe me, mistakeswere made. They have all been enshrined in the, "Remember-When- Mom-DidHall of Fame." The outbursts, the temper tantrums, the bad language,mine , not theirs. The times the baby fell off the bed. The times Iarrived late for preschool pickup. The nightmare sleepover. The horriblesummer camp. The day when the youngest came barreling out of theclassroom with a 98 on her geography test, and I responded, "What did youget wrong?". (She insisted I include that.) The time I ordered food atthe McDonald's drive-through speaker and then drove away withoutpicking it up from the window. (They all insisted I include that.) I did notallow them to watch the Simpsons for the first two seasons. What was Ithinking?But the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make whiledoing this. I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularlyclear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. Thereis one picture of the three of them, sitting in the grass on a quilt inthe shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4 and 1. And I wishI could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how theysounded, and how they looked when they slept that night.I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing:dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little moreand the getting it done a little less.Even today I'm not sure what worked and what didn't, what was me andwhat was simply life. When they were very small, I suppose I thoughtsomeday they would become who they were because of what I'd done. Now Isuspect they simply grew into their true selves because they demanded ina thousand ways that I back off and let them be. The books said to berelaxed and I was often tense, matter-of-fact and I was sometimes overthe top. And look how it all turned out. I wound up with the threepeople I like best in the world, who have done more than anyone toexcavate my essential humanity. That's what the books never told me. Iwas bound and determined to learn from the experts. It just took me awhile to figure out who the experts were.

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Welcome to my blog. As a result of my passion and love for sewing and designing children's clothing, I started my epattern business - Nanoo Designs. I use this blog to share my business news, sewing projects, events in my life and other things I find interesting. It has been a great joy to connect with others through this blog and Nanoo Designs.