Archives for January 2012

I wasn’t sure what I was going to write about today. If you are a regular visitor to my blog, you probably noticed that it’s been quiet here in the past week. I’m feeling a little lost (again) as I ruminate on all the feelings I was having last week. I’ve been reflecting a lot on my journey so far and where I want it to take me. And honestly…I don’t know.

I don’t know.

I DON’T KNOW.

And not having a plan, a goal (other than the obvious weight loss goal) or a purpose makes me itchy and fidgety.

I don’t know who I am right now as I struggle to identify with this new body and new way of life. There is a lot of fear for me in getting to goal. I’ve never known a life that didn’t include dieting. But what kind of tangible goal can I attain from this other than physical and mental changes? Should there be one? Shouldn’t every journey end with ‘something’ to show from it?

I’ve been feeling lost and desperately searching for some kind of divine inspiration to keep myself on the right path. I’m pouring through old posts to reignite my barely flickering flame as I struggle through these cold, winter months that pull at my emotions, sap my energy, and cloud my mind with self-doubt. Nothing is working.

And this morning as the idea of even beginning to write a weight loss post nearly brought me to tears, I saw this:

I don’t know who I am right now – but I know who I want to become.

Driven

Healthy

An inspiration

A mentor

A role model

A person with anxiety disorders under control

A success

An imperfect being at peace with their life

I don’t know where these labels will take me – if anywhere at all. Or if there will be anything tangible other than smaller clothing. But I know it will be the me I was always meant to be and I will be where I should have always been.

I can’t wait to be welcomed home.

• • • •

It should come as no surprise that my case of the blahs is in part due to being frustrated with the scale. I had a good start to the month with a two pound loss but little by little it has petered out. I didn’t lose anything this week. But I have an extra day in February to make up for this, right?

Oh and that commercial? That’s an actual Medifast success story. Jessica Westmoreland lost 85 lbs on the Medifast 5&1 Plan. Since losing weight with Medifast, Jessica has shown us all how to “Become Yourself” by starting her own law firm, becoming an athlete and planning her upcoming wedding.

Great work, Jessica. I’m looking forward to joining the ranks of the Medifast success stories.

If you’re interested in trying Medifast, I have a great deal for you! Use the code TURNIP56 to get $50 off an order of $275.Check out Medifast’s new customer savings program!

*FTC Disclosure: Medifast provides their products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. All thoughts written here are mine. I love complaining so I would tell you if I didn’t like something in the program.

On Saturday we got a decent amount of snow that kept us indoors most of the day. It gave me the opportunity to sort through all the clothing in the house. Specifically it was my clothing that needed to be sorted the most. I was so excited to weed out all the clothes that are now too big for me. I was looking forward to selling some stuff on eBay, taking some to donation or giving away some clothes to friends. This felt like a graduation of sorts, finalizing this process, and in some ways making an honest woman of myself. I was so excited.

And then I wasn’t.

As I sorted through the clothing, there was little joy in it. Rather there was anger, shame, confusion, mourning, doubt and an avalanche of fear.

Anger for all the things that have happened to me over the years that caused me to use food as therapy. Anger for the people, places and things that make me want to numb myself with food. Anger at myself for, in some ways, letting those people and things win and own a piece of my soul.

Shame that rather than resolving my issues I allowed myself to take the easy way out and eat myself into XXL shirts, size 24 pant and size 11 underwear.

Confusion because I still struggle to identify with this new and ever shrinking body. A body that at times feels so foreign to me that I have to fight the urge to reject it with every fiber of my being. Its mentally and physically exhausting to make peace with what I was and who I am becoming. And for as much as I value and want what I am working towards, it is a place of raw and exposed nerves. I often long for the comfort and shelter that old, overweight me provided.

Mourning the lies I used to live with. Mourning the passing of the days in which I could tell myself I’d change tomorrow or the next day or the next. Eulogizing my self destruction and the devil on my shoulder that pushes me down. Grieving the loss of the warm comfort that washes over you once you resign yourself to defeat and accept your loss.

Doubt is the voice in my head telling me I will need these things again one day.

Fear that I will fail. Not just at keeping the weight off but my ability to not transfer old behaviors into new problems and creating a bad example for Izzy. I fear will let my food addiction continue to manifest itself in other areas of my life. As I struggle with acceptance of my new life, I have to take stock of my habits on a daily basis. I have noticed an increase in my negative ADD behaviors. With that comes an increase of my (usually mild) OCD tendencies. Fear of the uphill battle ahead of me long after the pounds have been shed. Eliminating these items from my life is a very final and scary indicator that the me of the past is gone. But one slip could create an onslaught of poor choices. Then where will I be? Fat, naked and exposed.

I’ve been holding on to these clothes for years. Piles of jeans and shirts in various sizes that no longer fit at various stages of my life. What was I keeping them for? The contents of these boxes are relics of a life gone by. They are the belongings of a dead person long overdue to be buried and largely forgotten. They are useless and taking up space.

Much like all my reasons and excuses for holding onto the feelings associated with them.

One by one, box by box, I will free myself from the relics of a life no longer lived. I will release these things into the world and start anew. The pain of the past will not win. I will reclaim my soul and be at peace with who I am becoming.

• • • •

On Sunday we took Izzy to the Please Touch Museum in Philly. I took the opportunity to recreate a photo that I first shared with you when I began this journey.

*FTC Disclosure: Medifast provides their products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. All thoughts written here are mine. I love complaining so I would tell you if I didn’t like something in the program.

Last week I told you all that we were going to attempt to teach our dog Tuna some new tricks.

Currently on his trick roster:

Sit

GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN!

Stay

Poop in laundry pile

Come

Steal kid’s food

bark incessantly at the neighbor’s dog

Tricks we we hoping to teach him:

Speak

Roll over

Shake

Stand on hind legs

Sing

Tricks we successfully taught him:

…..

Um…yeah – Cesar Millan I am not.

Tuna definitely loves his treats! We just stink at dog training. We’re going to keep trying though. He’s a smart pup with a lot of energy and definitely motivated by tasty snacks like Milkbones, Pup-Peroni and the Milo’s Kitchen Meatballs.

I’d definitely recommend any of these treats for dog training! Tuna practically starts drooling as soon as he sees the bag!

Disclaimer: This shop has been compensated as part of a social shopper insights study for Collective Bias. All opinions and embarrassing admissions about wanting to taste test dog food are mine.#CBias #iLoveMyK9

My husband is a truck driver. He delivers bulk items for a beverage company in our town. So as you can imagine many of our evening conversations center around where he was today, what he saw, what he delivered and new products on his truck. He also talks about an ongoing competition he has on FourSquare with a woman from Pennsylvania. He is constantly trying to oust her as mayor of the places on his routes.

Enthralling stuff. 😉 (In his defense, my work stories are even more boring.)

My husband loves his job and this has not gone unnoticed by Izzy. She often points out trucks on the road, asking what they deliver. This question can be sort of challenging when we come upon a pest control truck with rats and roaches plastered all over it. When she asked why that truck delivers bugs I replied, “Well, it’s not so much that they deliver the bugs. It’s more like they deliver the bugs to heaven.”

She seemed satisfied with that answer while I asked myself “What the hell is wrong with me?”.

Over the weekend we saw this truck:

“Look mommy! That truck delivers butterflies!”

I stopped myself from correcting her. I smiled as I reminisced about my childhood literal interpretations of the world around me.

I remember when I was a child I took everything so literally – which only fed my rampant imagination. I remember riding the school bus and seeing a yellow sign in the neighborhood that said “Watch Children”. From that day forward I stared anxiously out the window as we rode down the street waiting for clock-faced children to appear.

They never did.

Or the time someone described little blonde-hair, fair-skinned me as tow headed. I rushed to the bathroom every morning for weeks to look in the mirror and ensure that my head had not in fact turned into a toe overnight.

My head is still perfectly round and pie shaped. I’m undecided if this is the better scenario.

If you had told me it was raining cats and dogs you would have found me gazing at the window and silently wishing for a smashed-face persian cat with long, luxurious locks to which I would affix endless amounts of silky, pink ribbons.

Also, unicorns are totally real. I saw Legend. I know what’s up.

So when Izzy went on to tell me that she would like us to buy a truck, put our names on it, a picture of a butterfly and deliver pink, blue and purple butterflies, I considered the possibility. Izzy explained that I would be the driver (because daddy already has a job driving and he can’t work two jobs. But that ‘he’s still our families. he’s just busy.’) and that she would deliver all the pink butterflies door to door.

For a moment I let my inner child set about cultivating a business plan for butterfly home delivery. Perhaps we’d have a ‘frequent flyer’ program to encourage repeat business?

Last week I talked about how important it is to give even after all the holiday food drives are over. It’s really important to Christian and I that we instill this spirit of giving in Izzy. I want her to know that there are some kids out there that don’t have as much as she does and that we should help them out.

After we realized we didn’t have much in the way of canned goods to collect around the house, we headed to good ol’ Walmart to pick up supplies.

And you can’t go to Walmart without having a dance party in the clothing section.

Check out Walmart bringing back the part of the 90’s that no one really wanted to revive!

We wanted to focus on supplies for babies and young children for our donation and headed to the baby department.

We also grabbed up lots of soups and canned veggies for our donation.After we checked out Izzy rounded out the giving by putting some change in the CHOP change bucket.

And on the way home, we were rewarded for our good deeds by getting stuck for a half hour in traffic for what turned out to be a fender bender.

FBD services all of Delaware with donation drop off points throughout the state and two large warehouses on each end of the state. They have a lot of great food programs for people of all ages. I like FBD because they aren’t just giving out food. They strive to educate adults and children about proper nutrition. They also offer programs that help low-income individuals learn skill sets that enable them to make a living wage.

And while we were at it we decided to round up some clothing to drop off at the local mission.

FBD has huge warehouses to store donations in Newark and Milford. I had never been to the actual warehouse before and I was very impressed! This place is absolutely HUGE.

See this green door right here?

I bet you they have a video camera at this door. And if they don’t, well they missed one hell of a YouTube moment with me today. There is a sensor that causes the door to roll up for easy access. Well it pretty much scared the pee out of me because I wasn’t expecting it. I screamed and ran away.

Izzy asked if we were going to go shopping here. It’s set up like a real grocery store!

I was so impressed with the inside. There is food from floor to ceiling. I got a little vertigo looking up at the top shelves!

I’ll be back – coming through this door!

Izzy too, when she is old enough

And this is just the sign of a nearby business. Its been there for ages and I still giggle like a 12 year old whenever I see it.

I hope you’ll take some time to donate your food, time or money to the Food Bank of Delaware. The folks are really friendly and they need all the help they can get. Hopefully you will never find yourself in a position to need their help. But won’t you feel good accepting their help if you know you contributed while you were able?

A snapshot of hunger in Delaware:

The Food Bank of Delaware provides emergency food for an estimated 241,600 different people annually

About 17,500 different people receive emergency food assistance in any givenweek

44% of the members of households served by The Food Bank of Delaware arechildren under 18 years old

6% of the members of households are children age 0 to 5 years

6% of the members of households are elderly

About 19% of clients are non-Hispanic white, 71% are non-Hispanic black, 4%are Hispanic, and the rest are from other racial groups

Among all client households served by emergency food programs of The Food Bank of Delaware, 72% are food insecure, according to the U.S. government’s official food security scale. This includes client households who have low food security and those who have very low food security

32% of the clients have very low food security

Among households with children, 68% are food insecure and 30% are food insecure with very low food security

33% of clients served by The Food Bank of Delaware report having to choose between paying for food and paying for utilities or heating fuel

21% had to choose between paying for food and paying their rent or mortgage

32% had to choose between paying for food and paying for medicine or medical care

22% had to choose between paying for food and paying for transportation

19% had to choose between paying for food and paying for gas for a car

Naturally, I follow a lot of weight loss blogs. I don’t discriminate. I like blogs of people that use brand name diets that are not Medifast. I like blogs that don’t use diets at all but choose instead to use old fashioned calorie counting. I’m interested in blogs that showcase non-traditional plans (hello? cave man diet?). I enjoy blogs that utilize none of the above and focus on something entirely different – perhaps not even losing weight at all but instead choosing to give up the battle and just be. I find inspiration in their motives, theories and struggles. I applaud, support and respect whatever their efforts might be. I appreciate each blogger’s unique journey for what it is – their journey.

And as unique as each blog and blogger is, almost all have one thing in common:

They hate your diet.

I’ve never been a competitive person. I never played sports and I rarely enter contests that require a voting process. I don’t enjoy competing for trophies, badges, or status (unless there is money involved, then you can sway me 😉 ). I especially do not enjoy every day competitions that come with keeping up with the Joneses. I don’t care how much your house costs, how new your car is, what label is on your clothing or if you have a stable full of Lipizzaner stallions. Those things are so far off my radar that most times I could not even tell you what is considered luxury and I am generally unimpressed when people name drop and brag (though I am polite enough to pretend).

So it wasn’t until I became a mom that I realized how competitive people can be. Who’s baby has what car seat, who walked first, how high can they count, who’s baby is bilingual, who already has their ticket stamped for sainthood. I thought surely none could be more pious than the American parent.

Then I got into the world of the weight loss blogger. And let me preface by saying: y’all still rock. I’ve got mad respect for all you do and continue to do. But there seems to be this unending competition of diet vs healthy choices and frankly, I don’t understand it.

I’ve written in the past about ‘diet’ being a four letter word. I do not see it as such. It’s just a word. But among the weight loss bloggers it seems that if you use a ‘diet’ program versus a ‘healthy choice’ regimen you are not allowed in the inner circle of success stories. You are tolerated yet still somehow on the outside.

It’s wrong.

We are all looking to each other for support and inspiration on this journey and I think it is wrong to criticize and judge other people’s methods of weight loss and/or means of getting healthy. Whether you are using a food delivery plan, counting points or calories, restricting certain foods or whatever your choice is – only you can say whether it is right for you. Though I will make an exception in the case of things like the HGC diet, or when you are sprinkling magic powders on your food or something insane like the Cotton Ball diet (in which you eat actual COTTON BALLS!! Can you hear me screaming?).

While some one else’s method may not be for YOU, it is unfair of you to shame those who choose to use them. I’ve done them all the only plan I have ever been successful on is Medifast. And Medifast is not for everyone. Just as other ‘healthy choices’ (ahem. Medifast IS a healthy choice) such as calorie and point counting is not for everyone. Some people need a little extra help. I am one of those people.

I’m an obsessive over-eater. Calorie and point counting only exacerbated the issue because I was thinking about numbers incessantly until I’d give up and binge. On Medifast I still have to think about numbers and I still have to plan and make healthy choices. I’m still learning how to eat and more importantly think differently. Being on a plan like Medifast has allowed me the space to identify and work on the issues that caused me to become obese in the first place.

Okay, maybe that’s a tad ambitious. But my point is that Medifast, a so-called ‘diet’ *gasp!* helped me go from an absolute disaster (that by all rights should have just had a lit match applied to it) to a manageable state of chaos. Once I hit goal, I will transition from the plan foods to real-world foods. I now have the peace and the tools to carry this journey through to the end. I’ve worked very hard on my ‘diet’ to fix not only the way I eat but to fix ME. And I think we all know that at the root of any successful weight loss plan is a person that has fixed themselves more so than their food.

My ‘diet’ is no better or worse than your so called healthy choices. It just happens to be what is working for me. I won’t try to convince anyone here what the better option is because only the individual can decide that. But I hope that you can see that this is the right choice for me and thousands of others that have gone on to live and maintain healthier lifestyles long after ceasing the program because of their choice.

I’m not interested in competing and arguing over who has the better plan. Weight loss is not one size fits all and there is no single ideal plan suitable for 100% of the population. So I don’t hate your diet, plan or choices. I respect you for answering the call to action and support your efforts whatever tool you’ve decided to use.

But ask me for a recommendation and I think you will know what I will say. 😉

• • • •

Slow week this week. I’m only down one pound. It’s been stressful around here (a post for another time). And while I am happy to say that I’ve stayed on plan, the bummer is that when I am stressed, my body hangs onto the fat.

Also it has been wicked cold in the past week and that has put a damper on my running. However I scored some great UnderArmor cold weather gear at TJ Maxx this weekend that I can’t wait to try out. I’m hoping this does the trick for me because the chill is very painful and even after being indoors for hours I’ve been experiencing extremely cold and numb extremities. If I don’t see an improvement with the new gear I will be going to the doctor. It’s pretty concerning to not be able to feel your toes for hours at a time.

*FTC Disclosure: Medifast provides their products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. All thoughts written here are mine. I love complaining so I would tell you if I didn’t like something in the program.

This place is going to the dogs! Okay not really but I sorta felt like I was required to use that phrase in a post about our dog.

Based on actual events.

As you may know, we adopted Tuna a few months after our dog Tai had to be put down. [serious sad face!] He’s a lively Jack Russell/Pug mix and despite the looks, he’s a pretty smart dog!

Since he’s such a lively dog, and since he has the basic tricks like ‘sit’ and ‘stay’ down, we thought it would be fun to teach him some new tricks.

Currently on his trick roster:

Sit

GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN!

Stay

Poop in laundry pile

Come

Steal kid’s food

bark incessantly at the neighbor’s dog

Tricks we are hoping to teach him:

Speak

Roll over

Shake

Stand on hind legs

Sing

It’s a pretty ambitious list but with some help from a variety of Milkbone treats, I think we can persuade him to pull a few of these off. So Izzy and I headed to Wal-Mart to grab some tasty snacks.

Tuna’s not exactly picky when it comes to treats but I thought I’d get some variety to entice him.

I was really excited to find a generous $2 coupon for Milo’s Kitchen treats on one of the treat boxes.

Milo’s Kitchen treats are an all-natural homemade style treat. I like the idea of these treats because I actually recognize all the ingredients listed and they are all things I’d eat…of course that is not to say I will be trying the chicken meatballs. But I’m not embarrassed to tell you that they smell awesome!

We also picked up some Pup-Peroni in the Lean Beef Flavor. Because…well, Tuna is a fatty. A certain 3 year old was put in charge of feeding him and he seems to end up getting four days worth of food at one meal.

After we finished picking out treats, Izzy wanted to see the fish section.

What’s dat fishy doing mommy?

Uhhh….they are just snuggling…upside down…next to the filter.

Not cool WalMart. Not cool.

But onto happier things! Tuna is super excited about his treat and we are excited to work on new tricks.

Stop back next week to see if Tuna has learned some new tricks. In the meantime, I’ll be doing laundry. Guess who found a pile in the pile?

And if you’d like to see more of our shopping experience, you can check out the album here.

Disclaimer: This shop has been compensated as part of a social shopper insights study for Collective Bias. All opinions and embarrassing admissions about wanting to taste test dog food are mine.#CBias #iLoveMyK9

My little turnip helped me make the first step in fulfilling my resolution. On Saturday Izzy and I went roller skating. It was her first time and we had a blast.

We were both nervous at first. I explained to Izzy that if she fell, it might hurt but she’d be okay. She hung on my arm like a little monkey in a tree but quickly got over her fears.

Finally we were both brave enough to leave the carpeted area and try the rink. I was so nervous. All I could think about was falling and how awful it would be if I fell. Because if I fall, Izzy falls. I can’t fall.

It was during a round of roller skating hokey pokey, I was reminded of why I do all of this. It’s not to be thin. It’s not so I can fit into smaller clothes. I’m not doing it so that I can run 3.1 miles in less time than it took me a week ago. It’s not so I can join a roller derby team.

I’m doing it for her.

She is the reason I’ve confronted my demons. She is the reason I want to run and roller skate and pay attention to what I put in my body. She is the reason I want to be healthy and live my longest and best life.

She is the reason I can’t fall.

She is the reason that I’ve put my whole self into this dance.

She is what its all about.

• • • • •

The picture says it all. Down two more pounds this week – twenty five to go!

*FTC Disclosure: Medifast provides their products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. All thoughts written here are mine. I love complaining so I would tell you if I didn’t like something in the program.