Category Archives: funny

What the hell is up with people naming their kids these days? While i understand the urge to give your child a moniker that is unique and special, i think people are just going overboard without any thought to how the name will affect their children in life.

What’s in a name?

A name is meant to honor someone important, carry on traditions, or to relay characteristics you hope your child to have. A name will follow you your whole life. In cases of job applications, it is often the first clue a perspective employer will have about your identity. Judgements are made based on names alone. In job related cases, getting the first interview/callback is the first step to securing a position in an organization. Unfortunately, racism and bias exist. A field study was conducted in the United States in 2010 to examine this trend. Results showed that applicants with white-sounding names are 50 percent more likely to get called for an initial interview than applicants with ethnic sounding names. So names like Ben or Amy have a 50% more chance of a call for an interview, than a Shaniqua, or Diago etc. even though there is no way to determine race by name.

If this is true, then can you imagine the case where someone names their child after a t.v, movie, or book character, or something similar. Who is more likely to get a call back? Tom or Katniss?

Celebrities are on a whole other level of “out there” Now you might say, “why the hell would a child of a celebrity need a job” Or “they can get whatever job they want because of who their parents are”. While that may be true, some stars fall from grace and lose their money….and even if they don’t, they should try not to be assholes when naming their kids. Here’s an example of some celebrities who gave their kid’s odd names: (some were from Cracked.com)

Nicolas Cage. He named his son Kal-El. (yup, superman)

Jason Lee (my name is Earl/Mallrats) named his son Pilot Inspektor

David Duchovney & Tea Leoni named their kid “Kyd”

Sylvestor Stallone named his child Sage Moonblood

Shannyn Sossamon named her child Audio Science (they looked up names from the dictionary)

Frank Zappa has kids named Moon Unit, Dweezil and Diva Thin Muffin

Penn Gillette has a daughter named Moxie Crimefighter

Actor Rob Morrow named his child Tu…Yes Tu Morrow, god kill me now!

Jermaine Jackson named his son “Jermajesty”

Alicia Silverstone named her son Bear Blu

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian named their daughter North…as in North West

Bob Geldof has a daughter named Pixie, and an adopted daughter named Tiger Lilly (is the daughter of inxs frontman michael Hutchence)

While browsing through my dashboard the other day, i came across some of the search terms that brought visitors to this site and realized that a lot of the people who end up here are a little strange. (Click on photo to enlarge)

Hmmmm

Looks like a lot of people are concerned about their pooping habits, I’m glad my post on Coffee Shits helped so many people out!

The weirdest one that keeps popping up is centered around the awkward family photos blog i covered that included a family in the Garden of Eden “nude colored felt costumes” At least, that’s what I’m hoping this person (although it’s more likely that it’s more than one person) is searching for, otherwise…ugh! It just grosses me out every time i see the search term.

A long time ago, being a celebrity was something that many people strove for and most people never achieved. In order to become a celebrity, one had to have made contributions in a certain field to be considered worthy of notice. Politicians, artists, Literary figures, brilliance, athletes and of course actors were oftentimes the professions of these celebrities. As time went on, we became fascinated with fame, and in due course crime and infamy. Notoriety became the new subject of fascination, and “wholesome” genres of yesteryear were abandoned for the shock value of reality television.

It all began innocently enough with talk shows, yet the clamor for “dirt and secrets” soon gave way to daytime talk shows such as Donahue, Geraldo and Sally Jesse Raphael. Not to be outdone, smaller scale affiliations started to introduce viewers to a more explosive and controversial side to reality and came up with the Richard Bey show (a talk show which incorporated elephant noises when overweight people walked on stage) to the more popular Jerry Springer show.

After the daytime crap shows came what (at first) seemed to be a new type of reality show; the competition. Here we see the birth of Fear Factor, Big Brother and Survivor. Surely taking a bunch of strangers and having them compete for cash prize must be a good idea right? Right? after all, when these people are done the show they will go back to their dreary lives and forget their 15 minutes of fame…..

I mean Take Survivor for instance, The first winner pretty much walked around nude the whole damn show, wagging his peen in everyone’s way…if i did that on the street I’d be arrested. How was this not sexual harassment of some sort? Plus it was supposed to be a family show.

Just dropping the kids off at the sandbox

That’s alright, i’m sure everything else he did was on the up and up….Oh no wait, he was arrested and charged with tax evasion and served jail time TWICE…but he said it was because he was gay. On top of all of this, he still managed to appear on another reality show, The apprentice. So much for fading away into obscurity for winning a game.

Now a show that gave us that gem so early on in the game couldn’t have possibly given us another right? I mean what could be worse than honoring a guy that really didn’t do much in the first place? How about giving a racist, bigoted, uptight crazy bitch a talk show?

Oh Elisabeth Hasselback, one of the most asshole-y people on the planet, she was a rude bitch on survivor and continues to be a rude bitch on the view. Yet she’s not fired, why? Because people still continue to watch that shitty show and continue to enable her career. Kudos to Bill Maher for not punching her in the face when she wouldn’t shut up about a joke he made and she took it completely out of context:

She also tried to take on, Whoopi Goldburg, Rosie O’Donnell, Kathy Griffen, and Janine Garofalo…i think she just hates anything funny.

In the last few years we have been bombarded with reality t.v aimed at a younger crowd. Teen Mom and 16 and pregnant, for instance seem to be aimed at the under 18 crowd. The show’s stars and producers tell the media that their intent is to warn kids to have safe sex and wait to have kids. Some of the teens like Janelle Evans and Amber Portwood have lost custody of their children and have both been in jail, yet they are still being pursued by MTV and its affiliates as well as being paid for appearances in magazines and other forms of media. I could fill a whole other blog on these two shows alone. The worst part with these shows is the sheer fact that these kids are being used by adults.

Watch me!

So to recap, we started off with reality shows based on interviews and talk shows, graduated to competition shows, reached the horror of teen pregnancy and child exploitation (don’t even get me started on Toddlers and Tiaras..i had to stop myself from even going there) and now we end with..Socialites. Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, People famous for being rich and nothing else…..

What’s that blinking light? That’s hot!

I have no idea anything is being recorded, i just pose like this at the end of my bed before i have posed sex with my boyfriend every time !

Oh Man! these two are sure a piece of work, and the public keeps lapping the shit up! After the release of Paris’s sex tape, she had a steady stream of shit shows for years. Plus an album or two! And don’t even get me started on Kim, I’m not even sure what she does, except wander around wearing different wigs and using different accents to scare the crap out of her family. (seriously, watch this clip to see what it looks like to watch a mind snap)

Like this:

So about 2 years ago, i wrote a post on Food that i love that is no longer made. Well my friends, the day has come where one of my old favorites has now come back. That’s right, i’m talking Fruit Filled Mini wheats!

Last year, All Bran came up with a somewhat tasty, yet still inferior version of this. This is probably when the Kellogs people were like “Fuck that noise! That’s our shit man! (this is in no way verbatim, yet i’m still pretty confident this is how it went down)

So i promptly went out and bought a box. You see, there’s nothing as sweet as looking at the little mini wheat guy on the cover of the box, biting into the middle of a filled mini wheat and imagining that the little guy is being torn apart in my mouth. I can almost hear his sweet sugary little screams.

O.K, so i know I’m sure to get a lot of flak for this one touchy ass subject but what the hell, you don’t like my opinion, no big deal. Here’s the thing, i hate the automatic tipping thing. See when people go to a restaurant and get shitty service and then feel the social need to tip for service. Now i don’t do that. You can call me an asshole, or cheap, or whatever you want but I’m not going to just automatically tip because society tells me to tip. Fuck that. Now you may say, “oh, she doesn’t tip because she never worked in that industry!” well my friend you would be wrong. I have worked in restaurants, and yeah, some wait staff work their ass off and deserve to get a little sumthin’ extra, but for the most part, most people couldn’t give two shits about you and when that shows, i don’t tip.

Maybe it wouldn’t surprise you to know that my favorite movie is Reservoir dogs. When Mr. Pink launches into the famous “i don’t tip, i don’t beleive in it” scene, i thought i had finally found my kindred spirit. Cheers to you mr Tarantino. He brings up a lot of interesting reasons why he doesn’t tip, let’s check some out.

1. Why do we choose to give gratuity to some people in the service industry, but not all?

lWe tip the wait staff, hair dressers, and delivery guys (see, i don’t tip them either cause it’s their fucking job description to DRIVE the food to me! seriously wtf?) but we don’t tip the chef, who does way more work,(yes they have a higher wage) the bus boys (have a lower wage) or the dishwashers who work way harder then the wait staff. We tip cab drivers, but not bus drivers. Are we saying that dealing with the public automatically means you should get a bonus?Is it “harder” to work with the public than in a cramped, hot back room? because a lot of people have to deal with the asshole public every day for minimum wage and don’t receive any gratuity whatsoever!

2) Sales and service.

So if the number 1 occupation for non-college women is Waitressing (i couldn’t verify that, i did verify that it was sales) then what about the other women who work in other sales? The average wage for sales staff at clothing stores is the same as restaurants before the added tip. These people are on their feet all day, dealing with customers, same thing right? Oh, and i don’t take sex into consideration when/if i consider tipping, like I’m not gonna give you an extra tip if you are a single mom vs if you are a bachelor. Same goes for the bar. If i have 6 drinks at the bar and i have had to get up and go to the bar to get four of them myself, chances are you aren’t getting a tip, but maybe the bartender is. I’m not talking some crazy packed dance club either, I’m talking a normal lounge type setting that’s pretty slow paced.

3) On the receiving end:

Yeah, i get it. Some customers are rude ass twats, yelling at you, freaking out over every little thing (like, as if you cooked it right?)calling you names, being racist, etc. That’s too bad, really it is. Wait…you don’t think others deal with that sort of shit? Convenience store workers usually make minimum wage to work awful hours, shift work and get Robbed at gunpoint, but yeah they don’t get a fucking tip either. Oh, and this is the gateway job that most kids get. Nice huh?

4) But they work really hard……

o.k i can give you that, some of the wait staff truly work their ass off to make you happy from the minute you step in there until you leave, and i understand that that may be difficult to do all day long. I understand the physical strain on the body from standing/walking all day long, I’m not arguing with any of that. The argument is why? why do some people get it and not others?if they are friendly with me and come by a couple of times during my meal then i absolutely tip them. And i usually over-tip when i tip. So before you think I’m a cheap asshole for not tipping, just remember that the attitude we receive from shit staff will not improve if we keep on automatically tipping them. This is the same as letting some asshole kid get away with back-talking their whole lives with no consequences. Why should they be nicer to customers if they still get an extra tip at the end of the day right?

5) In all seriousness

Here it is folks, time to get a little scholarly.In the united states, in services where tipping is expected or a common practice. Employers have a pay scale based on the assumption that the tips employees receive will round out to an appropriate rate of pay, so these people really do need tips to make up the extra amount that is considered an appropriate wage. In Canada, Quebec and Ontario allow employers to pay lower Minimum wages to workers who would reasonably be expected to be receiving tips. In Ontario, the minimum wage is $10.25 per hour, with exceptions for students under 18 years old and employed for not more than 28 hours a week, who are paid $9.60 per hour; and both liquor and restaurant servers, who are paid $8.90 per hour.(1) Who do we get mad at then? The companies that exploit the social constructs that have been in place since the 1800’s? or the government that allows this practice of under payment to continue in jobs where post secondary education is not required. Although considered a “norm” in North American society, when asked about tipping, people profess their reluctance to ending the practice. They admit to feelings of confusion over what is an “appropriate amount” and it can also create awkward social situations in times when we feel that we did not receive good service.

Economically speaking it also creates a division among class. The reality, whether we like it or not is that minorities lead the poverty scale in North America. Many do not get to eat out very often. Even if it is at a regular family type restaurant such as Denny’s, Perkins, Smitty’s etc. Does this mean that if they feel they can’t afford their food PLUS tip that they don’t deserve a night out to eat? Researcher Yoram Margalioth presents an interesting study on Why we need to end tipping here:The Case Against Tipping

Countries that do not practice expected tipping: Note, some have a gratuity included in the bill. This money usually DOES NOT go to the servers, and additional tipping does not occur.

China

India

Japan

Singapore (tipping is not allowed but a 10% gratuity is added at restaurants)

South Korea

Taiwan

Australia (very rare and when used it is a reward for exceptionally good service)

New Zealand

Bolivia (5% included in the bill)

Brazil (optional 10% included in the bill)

Belgium

Finland

France (varied amount added to bill)

Germany (very rare and when used it is a reward for exceptionally good service)

Austria (very rare and when used it is a reward for exceptionally good service)

Ireland

Italy (some have added gratuity)

The Netherlands

Spain (depends on the locale, higher class restaurants may include a gratuity)

In the early 90’s women decided they would like to have a tattoo in a place that doesn’t get stretched out of shape when they get pregnant or older. The lower back proved to be the perfect spot for this. Due to the fact that the style of the time consisted of midriff tops and low rise jeans that constantly showed off the tattoos, the women who had them were stereotyped as sluts or whores, hence the term “tramp Stamp”. It quickly became popular with woman and was considered by many to be very sexually appealing. A running joke is that the stamp indicates a target, and that the larger the tramp stamp, the bigger the slut.

Exhibit A: Not a huge slut

Exhibit B: Comes with her own handlebars

Where's the clutch on this bad boy?

Now that we have established the hierarchy of the tramp stamp, let us delve into the elusive world of the male tramp stamp, or as it is better known the “douche Cartouche” No matter how hot the guy is, he immediately turns into a complete douche as soon as he unleashes this beast upon the world. Let’s take a peek shall we?

This guy is searching for the proper ratio of short shorts to tattoo douchebaggery.

Hey man, can you rub some lotion onto my totally awesome tat?

Imagine seeing this shitstorm at the music festival? I’m sure the dude behind this guy was expecting drunk women, drunkenly teetering on their boyfriend’s shoulders, maybe even showing a little boobies? Certainly not this ass’s ass.

Lift me higher boys!

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na Butt-man Butt-man

Come around to the front and i'll show you my "boy wonder"

I’m pretty sure that this guy isn’t even wearing pants.

i wonder if i'm oily enough?

The loner. Don’t feel too bad, this guy was gonna be alone no matter what.

Why doesn't anyone want to play with me?

The douche cartouche is rising in popularity, what was once elusive has now evolved into a horrible plague on mankind. Douches all over the world are embracing the placement, hoping to pass it off as a ironic statement to gender trends. Hipsters are using it as product placement, juicers and gym rats use it to highlight muscles. Ah what the hell, i don’t pay attention to those wankers anyway, as long as it doesn’t invade the rest of the men.

Like this:

Thanks to Lady Gaga’s song Born this way i am now familiar with the proper term for these ladies. Urban dictionary defines A chola as: a firme hyna (latina) that wears a lot of makeup: thick eyeliner, liquid eyeliner on top going out of your eye dark brown or red lipstick and eyebrows drawn on or really thin. We mostly have permed hair with crunchy gel or straight and arched on top.

Why yes, i am VERY surprised!

For obvious reasons, whenever i see these chicks on the bus (i call them main street cholas) i can’t stop staring at them. I think to myself “what the hell? do you know what you look like? you’re eyebrows look fucking RETARDED!” most of the times these girls wear HUGE gold hoop earrings and hoodies, they look the “gangsta” part, and i laugh my ass off.Just look at these girls! Seriously, what the fuck is up with the eyebrows? and the black lipliner looks like they drew it in with shit, why the hell is it all black? I’m pretty sure this is eyeliner.

Then i started to remember the mid 90’s. Now, i wasn’t the most well behaved teenager, but i never got into any trouble with the cops or anything, was never in a gang, but my friends and i used to fight other girls pretty often. (cause we thought we were tough shit) I used to wear Nike track pants with skin tight white tee shirts and the matching Nike jacket….Hmmmm i had long hair that i used to gel the shit out of when it was wet. The result was that my hair would be rock hard and crunchy. I used to wear scrunchies on my wrist in case i got into a fight. And as for make-up…i know i used to wear really bright red lipstick…wait….didn’t i wear lipliner?, no not lip liner………oh god…..where is my grade 11 photo?

It occurred to me the other day that there are so many things that piss me off, it would take a long time to list them all on the site. So here is a list of things that piss me off in no particular order:

People who leave toast crumbs in the butter/cheese whiz/peanut butter container. USE TWO KNIVES!!!!

People who read over my shoulder when I’m on the computer.

People who spell “Light” as “Lite”

People who use the term “Literally” for everything, even when it is NOT literal.

Biting into a jellybean/chocolate only to find out it is coffee flavored

People who don’t know the difference between it’s/its, their/there/they’re, and your/you’re

Having facebook friends that you would never, under any circumstances talk to in real life.

Couples who say “we’re pregnant!” No you’re not, She’s pregnant! (also not telling the difference between we’re,where, and were)

Freezer burn on ice cream

People who do not pronounce words correctly. This pisses me off so much i am actually going to insert a list within a list.

MINIATURE. The word has four syllables not three. “Min-e-Ah-ture” NOT “Min-a-ture”

MISCHIEVOUS. I know the word isn’t used very often but when it is, it drives me nuts that people say “Mis-chee-vi-us” instead of “Mis-chi-vus”

PREVENTIVE. Please say “Pre-ven-tive” not “Pre-vent-ti-tive”

REALTOR. For some reason, people always feel the need to add an additional “a”here. It’s “Real-Tor” not “Real-a-tor”

TICKLISH. I’m not “tick-i-lish”, I’m “Tick-lish”

REGARDLESS. This word is a bonus because most people have no problem pronouncing it, the problem is when they decide to add the NON word “IRREGARDLESS” Listen up people. THIS IS NOT A WORD!!!!! Please stop saying it in sentences when you speak to me or i may have to punch you in the throat.

If you don’t know who the Black eyed Peas are, you must have been living under a rock for the last couple of years. Their annoying, auto-tuned repetitive jingles are all over the radio, commercials and tv shows. The band consists of Will.I.Am, Fergie and two other guys that no one seem to ever be able to name because let’s face it, they are not what sells the band. No, what sells this band is outspoken Will.I.am and his outrageous cries for attention and Fergie, the lone girl of the group who tries to sex up every song with either 1: her strong woman persona, or 2. her pouty woman persona. To be fair, i do think that Fergie has a good voice, unfortunately her talent is being wasted; the rest of the band is all smoke and mirrors and when she does do a solo song, all her BEP bad habits come into play. I’m not sure there is any hope. Plus she pees her pants on stage

Uh oh, Where's my champagne to cover this up?

Taken from a Men’s Magazine: Black Eyed Peas singer Fergie has confessed to urinating on stage during a recent concert. The sexy singer said she had to douse herself with champagne in front of hundreds of Australian fans to disguise the fact. She is quoted by Scotland’s Daily Record newspaper as saying: “I had a few drinks before going onstage, but I didn’t think to go to the bathroom. “We were jumping around and my bladder just started… you know.”

Anyway, enough about Fergie and on to the Thievery!

BEP’s Checklist to a hit song:

Go through demos submitted to labels and take one that seems like it won’t be missed

Start song off with either Woo-hoo or another easily shouted word (monosyllabic is preferred)

Add auto tune

Write some words for the song, easier to remember is better

Add more auto tune

Get sexy costume for Fergie, Sparkly outfit for Will.I.Am

When performing stand together, fist pump, and jump up and down in one spot

When confronted with possible evidence of music theft, insist you have written both words and Music, and Deny, Deny, Deny

There is nothing wrong with a band sampling another artist’s music WITH their permission. It becomes a crime when the music is ripped off and the original artist recieves no compensation for their work. The worst part is, in many cases such as this, the original artists are unsigned talent that have no money to sue big bands such as the BEP’s. One way to help prevent this is to make sure people are aware of their actions and attitudes towards deserving talent.

Listed below are some of the examples of why they are being accused/sued for stealing other artist’s music. Have a listen to both and decide for yourselves.

* some of these video’s will bring you to youtube.

Exhibit 1. BEP vs Bryan Pringle

Bryan Pringle – Take a Dive written and recorded 1999

Pringle claims he has been submitting demo CDs to Interscope, UMG and EMI over the last decade, and believes they willfully used his recording for the BEP’s song “I’ve got a feeling.” Although the music is not 100% exactly the same, the hook Is pretty much a copy.

BEP – I Gotta Feeling. 2009

Written by: The Black Eyed Peas, Frédéric Riesterer, David Guetta.

Exhibit 2 BEP vs Phoenix Phenom

Phoenix Phenom – Boom Dynamite. Written and recorded 2007/8

Ebony Latrice Batts, who performs as Phoenix Phenom, and her songwriter Manny Mohr of Aurora, IL, claim that the hit is a little too similar to their song “Boom Dynamite” to be coincidence.To make matters worse, Phoenix Phenom sent the demo to interscope records the Peas’s label, in the hopes of getting Fergie to perform on the track. Instead, Interscope turned them down, and the Black Eyed Peas came out with their chart-topped shortly after.

BEP – Boom Boom Pow – Written by the BEP

Will.I.Am stated that the music was inspired by 1980’s song “Planet Rock ”

Exhibit 3. BEP vs Adam Freeland (case settled in favor of Freeland)

Adam Freeland – Mancry. Written and recorded 2007

BEP – Party All the time.2009

In this instance Will.I.am had stated in court that their manager gave them the beat for the song and they were unaware that it was taken without the owner’s consent.

Will.I.Am did a remix of “I Got It from My Mama” which included a sample from Daft Punk‘s “Around the world.” Daft Punk denied will.i.am use of the sample. However, a music video was produced with the sample included and featuring The Paradiso Girls. The opening scene for all of Daft Punk’s Human after all videos is used for the video

Exhibit 5. BEP vs George Clinton

In December of 2010, Clinton filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against the BEP’s for stealing his song without consent.Clinton alleges that his signature was forged on forms that showed his consent. Stealing from an unknown is one thing, but from a legend like George Clinton? BEP’s are you TRYING to get caught?

Like this:

First i should note that this post is not really an annoyance, if i am annoyed at all, it is due to the fact that we don’t have these awesome commercials/videos in Canada. I mean, what the hell are they thinking over there? These are some of my favorite WTF videos from Asia.

#5 Red Riding Hood Vs Racoon Balls

I`m not quite sure what`s going on in this video, but i love the `home alone` look on the little girls face when she sees this raccoon.

#4 McDonalds Spongebob Commercial

These kids freak out over the happy meal toy

#3 Potty training

This is one of my favorite videos, I don`t know what`s funnier; the hilarious subtitles or the animated feces.

This is the video that inspired this list. I came across it a couple of years ago and never get tired of watching it. It is a trailer for a movie by Noboru Iguchi about a young group of Geisha who are genetically altered to become an unstoppable army. Think of all the crazy Asian movie genres wrapped in one. This Geisha is a transformer, giant, katana wielding, kung fu using, and even FRIED SHRIMP killing machine!