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Mama Diaries: Faith in Me

As we enter Breast Cancer Awareness Month, we’d like to repost one of the most heartfelt diary entry of a mama who had gone through cancer, twice. It is something that had touched many hearts in the past and felt it would be a good start to the month of October. This mama dairy was submitted courageously and anonymously and we hope you will appreciate the realness in her words.

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be. Douglas Adams

I thought I had done my time with crisis 11 years ago when I had found myself in the grips of anxiety and depression. It was a journey…one that took months..years actually..to feel that we conquered that dragon. Those years were hard but I came out the other side with a deeper faith, a cemented relationship with my husband and the feeling that I had earned some hard fought for strength.

Fast forward to 2 years ago. I remember the day I found the lump in my breast… it’s so cliche but I really did know it wasn’t good. It just didn’t feel right…it burned and felt incredibly hard. And while everyone told me it was sure to be nothing, the feeling in my gut told me otherwise. Those weeks of waiting were filled with me bargaining with God…And when I was told that I had breast cancer the words were crushing. I had thought I had prepared myself for this. The fact is, you just can’t. We innately hold out hope for the best.

I was scared…terrified actually. Our kids were 15, 13 and 10…still ages where their biggest worry should be what outfit they should wear the next day… It felt unfair that their world was rocked. It felt unfair that my husband once again had to take up the sword again as protector, encourager, advocate and master of all to our kids. Hadn’t we gone down a hard enough path years earlier? I guess deep down I felt sorry for myself. I had been taken down a couple pegs 11 years ago… and now again? The strength that I had thought was now woven into my being, no longer felt reachable.

That’s where all the credit goes to my peeps who didn’t let me get comfortable in that hole of fear and self pity. They helped dig me out and get me back on my feet, promising to walk with me every step of the way. And with that support, we just did what we had to do. Albeit it in a bit of a fog, I went through chemo and then a double mastectomy coupled with reconstructive surgery. Many of those times literally felt like I was watching someone else rather than myself. I suppose that’s the positive of having a ton of appointments/tests/treatments/consultations. It’s a bit of a whirlwind and you just do as you’re told.

It’s been the after cancer part that has been a crazy time of processing what the heck just happened. Who am I now? I am different. Period.

The new ” me” physically feels grateful and cheated at the same time. So weird that the two emotions can co-exist so easily. The grateful part is simple…and obvious: I have my life. I am on the “other side”. There aren’t words to explain the amount of grateful I have in my heart.

The cheated part sneaks in when I look into the mirror…I’m still shocked. These two fake breasts make me look normal on the outside but truthfully they feel anything but. They aren’t me…there’s no feeling…that area remains completely numb. Kinda gives new meaning to bolt-ons. They honestly do not feel like a part of my body. The new layer of fat on my body, thanks to the hormone therapy I’m on, is ridiculously uncomfortable. The hardest part is the guilt. Why do I care that I’m different physically? I should just be grateful that I am alive. And I am. And yet the feelings are in there…and they run deep. That’s the part that still plagues me. In these moments I feel like cancer not only took my breasts but left me with a wounded body image. The challenge continues and I feel like the ending to that story is still to be written. Self love is going to take a bit of time, but it’s going to happen. Time is a healer and I rest on that and my faith to recognize that my body has faced an assault and I need to be patient.

Some have suggested that this was a blip in the road. Yes and no… Maybe more like being put in front of a mountain and told you need to get to the other side. It’s like climbing to the top and pretending that the view still looks the same as before. Not possible. Cancer has changed me and while I deny it defines me, its mark has been left…in how I view life, in how my decisions are made, in how I process life.

I am humbled at how those who love me (and many who didn’t even know me, let alone love me) cared for me. And, at the end of the day, I recognize that I was stronger than I thought. Those days of working through the crippling anxiety prepped me for this hurdle. I may not have enjoyed that process (at all!) but I am grateful that I had some tools to meet this dragon head on. And not only to meet it, but to slay it…that’s been our family saying throughout the process. Slay the dragon! And is it possible that my faith in God is even more meaningful and pivotal in my life? My relationship with husband even more solid (honestly he’s got the “for better or worse” commitment DOWN!)? My love for my kids more fierce? YES! And while I would never EVER give cancer any creds I can say that beauty can blossom on the most dark places. My faith in the goodness of people’s hearts has been re-ignited. My passion to focus more on relationship and less on the other unimportant things has taken root. Indeed, beauty shines as a beacon in amongst the turbulence that life can throw you. I know this to be true. xo