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It’s been a fucking roller coaster the past week. I don’t know how I managed to survive it really. Maybe because the ride is still moving.

All I really want to do is eat. I just want to go to the store and buy three bags of chips and sit on my couch and eat them.

I want my life back, so I’m not going to do that. I need to make some changes. Not even that….stuff just needs to get decided and I need to focus. I need to decide to be happy maybe. I don’t know.

I need to re-learn what makes me happy? I went to a workshop the other day and was balling my eyes out when the guy said everyone’s definition of success should be ‘to be happy’.

I want that kind of success. I want the kind of success that makes me happy to jump out of bed in the morning. I don’t think I’ve ever had that..have I? If I did it feels like forever ago.

Why do I feel like more than a mess than ever? Hhmm..maybe has to do with the fact that as my employer was threatening to fire me in not so few words…all I could think was, ‘Great…someone else I’ve let down.’

I just can’t focus on anything. If I”m doing one thing, I think about the other thing I should be doing. I feel like I have ADD, but I don’t think that’s what it is. I used to be so with it. What the fuck happened?

I`ve spent over ten years stuffing my face with food instead of dealing with the emotions behind why I was eating. and now I`m getting better at not stuffing my face and letting the emotions surface. And its scary and it hurts like hell and I`m breaking down. I don`t have time to be everything to everyone and do everything and..and..and..

And I am working on it. I`m`doing the homework`. I don`t want to do meds. Those are an absolute last resort for me. I will figure this out. I will get through it, but I need support not accusations. And one of the problems for me is admitting I need help. And for sharing more than I have. I haven`t even shared how it`s really made me feel with myself until recently.

And that`s just one more issue to add to my bottomless bucket of issues. Being able to accept friendship, true deep friendship from someone isn`t easy for me after what happend in all my past relationships. Everything is coming to a head right now.

I don`t want to take stress leave. I don`t want to admit I need it. And the last thing I wanted half an hour before I walked into the docotors was for someone to make me feel like I shouldn`t consider it as an option, that I should just buck up and deal with life. I`ve been bucking up and dealing with life for the past 10-15 years. And I had countless bags of chips and pizzas and cheese and sausage to help me get through it. And i don`t know. And I`m having a hard time finding my footing trying to find what will help me get through it. Blogging has been a big help. But it`s not helping me solve all the problems I need to to make room for the rest of them.

I spend my rides to and from work crying. I dont focus on anything at work. If I`m at work, I`m thinking of finding another job and/or starting a business…that I’ve been trying to start for over a year but I’m so damned scatterbrained I can’t even figure out what they hell it is I’m selling. When I’m focusing on trying to fix one thing, I’m thinking about how I should be focusing on something else. When I’m with my daughter, I can’t even enjoy being with her because all I think is I need to find another job closer to home. I could go on writing for the next two days summarizing how each task, object I look at, stuff I smell, taste, hear..is just compounding on me.

I’m a problem-solver. It’s what I do. But I don’t have the time to breath, let alone try and figure out which ‘problem’ to solve first. So, for me. Stress leave is my best alternative. I don’t intend to use it sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I intend to use it to solve as many of these problems as I can so I can get to a normal and hopefully happier life. I’ve only just begun to touch the surface of all these emotions and look at me. How am I supposed to get to the root of them all and really deal with them if I don’t have the time working a full time job to deal with it.

People actually take years off work or school (if they are able to) to deal with eating disorders. It’s not uncommon. For everyone else, it can take someone up to 7 years to recover from an eatting disorder. I think the average is two to three years for recovery. Food is everywhere. Food is necessary to life. Having an eating disorder, is not like being an alcoholic or having anxiety. You can’t just avoid or abstain from food. You can’t just take meds and stay away from triggers. Food is always there. And it takes a lot of conscious effort to not eat a whole brick of cheese when you reaized you fucked up by signing something you didn’t read and you now owe Rogers an extra $420 + because you were so stupid to not read the contract. So on top of dealing with all the emotions, I have to constantly be vigilant of my hunger levels and fullness levels to be sure I don’t slip back into that. And while I’m working on this I’m still dealing with body image issues.

This nervous twitch is getting worse. My title to this post is indicative of that. I didn’t know what title to give this post, and I just spazzed, and that’s what came out…along with me turning on some other weird screen.

So that’s what will stay.

I see the doctor in an hour. I don’t know what to say or expect or what I even want out of it. I don’t want meds. I’m worried she’s going to prescribe meds. I don’t know…maybe I do need meds. Just feels like another failure if I do.

Doesn’t help that it looks like the amazing housekeeper I found quit after one day. Family emergency….who knows…

So, place is a disaster, and I’ve got a friend trying to ‘motivate’ me to do more and I just want to smack her.

DH was sweet the other night and actually asked “What can I do to help?” Huh..nice..my reply was ‘everything’. He’s made a better attempt at cleaning the kitchen, but he has his own issues….which is just more added to my plate.

Maybe I just need to write and write and write…but one can only write so much.

My mom called…fun…just a matter of time…and I know I can`t handle her this time…not at all

Friend is getting under my skin..stop asking me questions I have no answers to! fuck..if I knew what I wanted or hoped for i wouldn`t feel so fucking frustrated.

Thank god the tv decided to turn itself back on (it`s been dead for over a week! Resurrected itself last night..died a bit..then came back on this morning) just in time to babysit my daughter.

Another thing to make me feel like shit…I`m using tv to distract her so I can do stuff on the computer…sigh..

My head hurts…

Oh lovely..now she`s just telling me to get my shit together and essentially stop bitching and just do what I need to do and cut the other crap.

I’m starting to cringe at things. You probably wouldn’t notice if you were around me. And I’m finding there is a lot of stuff setting me off. It’s becoming impossible to live in my house..even though I”ve hired a housekeeper. What’s the point in spending the money when the house is a disaster again within 12 hours? Mention the word diet to me and I’ll tell you how I feel about them. If you insist on keeping talking about dieting and eating habits, I start to shut down and I’ll do my best to smile and nod at you. So far I haven’t started yelling at someone to SHUT THE FUCK UP I DON”T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR STUPID DIETING PHILOSOPHIES WHEN I”M IN THE MIDDLE OF DEALING WITH AN EATING DISORDER! I don’t have the capacity to deal with it.

I’m on the verge of a fight with my mother. I’m not looking forward to tomorrow. I have to make my way to work after having only been in the office since Thursday. I have today, Wednesday and Friday off too..so I really should try to make an appearance tomorrow.

Booked an appointment with the doctor for Wednesday. I need Dr.’s notes anyhow for massage and orthotics. But I really need a break. I can’t tell my parents though. They have a problem with me taking a sick day for a legitimate cold. Very old fashioned mentalitiy. I can’t take it.

I had a break down on Thursday. I was having a pretty good week. Just came back from a group therapy session that went well. I felt like I was getting a good grasp of this Intuitive Eating thing. And I am. It’s a success, I know.

But I can’t handle everything else. I’ve been using food to cope and ignore everything around me. Now as I become more aware of what I’m feeling and why, I’m completely overwhelmed.

I had a problem with my cell phone bill. Called them, turns out I signed something I didn’t read because I was too trusting. I got mad at them, but even more mad at me. And then, looking at finances, realizing we really need more money to make ends meet. And how am I supposed to do that? Trying to balance finding a job or work that I love and enjoy while doing everything else. But that won’t bring in as much money as if I work a regular 9-5..and we’re not talking a few bucks, we’re talking a $20-30K difference.

To realizing I’m the only one who cares and who can or will do anything about.

To looking at the disaster my house is in even though I just spent $90 the day before to have someone clean it.

To getting a text message from my mother that sent me over the edge.

I sat on my kitchen floor and balled my eyes out. Banging my head on the chair leg (not hard to hurt myself, it was more the rythym of it I found soothing. Or something.
Eventually hubby came back in and saw me and I had to eventually calm down.

But things haven’t gotten better. Nothing has changed. I’ve overeatten a bit, but not to the point where I feel ill like I usually would have.

I didn’t go to work Friday. I knew if I did, I would quit, and I can’t afford to quit. We need the money. I need to make money. I don’t want to work..well, not there. I don’t want to commute. I can’t. I cry the whole way down and up.,

When I’m not with my daughter, I wish I was. When I am with her, I am busy working on the computer trying to find another job or working on a business that is not going anywhere.

I’m so scatterbrained, I don’t know where to focus my energy first. I’ve lost my ability to prioritize my life. I’ve lost control of my life.

I’m a problem solver….or at least that’s what I used to be. But I don’t know how to solve this problem. I have to call and see my medical doctor this week. I don’t want meds, I just need a break. I need to figure out what I’m going to, or rather how I’m going to get back in control of my life.

Maybe I’m afraid of going because she won’t agree with me that I need a break. Or that she’ll suggest meds. I don’t want to go on meds.

It may be postpartum depression actually. I think I’ve been avoiding admitting it. I don’t know. I’m just a mess.

I don’t want to feel what I feel. I want to forget. I want to just eat, and drink and not think of what a failure I feel like. And not think of how unhappy I am. Not think of how it feels like there is very little to do and how I can’t change it.

I’m a problem solver. It’s what I do for a living, and it’s how I approach everything. What’s the problem, what are the options, creatively think of a solution, apply the solution and problem solved.

It doesn’t work that way with feeling though. Emotions cannot be rationalized. I don’t have a solution or a reason or a logical explaination as to why I eat. Other than I eat when I’m upset, or stressed, etc. I don’t have a solution to ‘fix’ my ‘weight’ problem.

I can take an organization, understand how it works, what it’s weaknesses are, improve it and make it run more efficiently, but I can’t do that to me, to my life.

This post was inspired by effortlessly perfect ‘s blog post, The Day After . :

I don’t know if what I hit was rock bottom. But I know I was in that position. Waiting for rock bottom, or some major life event to kick me into recovery…although most of that time I didn’t know or acknowledge that I had an Eating Disorder. I was in therapy for almost 6 months before I got there. Then I went to a group session with others learning to eat Intuitively. And for the first time, I truly realized I wasn’t alone. My therapist told me all the time, but I never really believed it. I left that group session feeling completely overwhelmed with emotions. And that is when I started my blog. But those first few days, maybe even the first week, I felt shattered. It felt like my whole world was caving in on me. It was also the same time I think I admitted to myself that I had a problem and it wasn’t my fault.

I’m not sure when everything changed from ‘rock bottom’ to ‘recovery’. It wasn’t a day, or a moment, it happened slowly over several days. It may even still be happening. I don’t feel like I’m as close to rock bottom as I was those few days, but I’m not sure if I’m completely in recovery yet either.

Like someone else who commented on the original post, I have doubts that I can ‘stick’ to recovery. But that may be because I’m holding on to ‘recovery’ the way someone may hold on to a diet. Maybe I’ve caught a glimpse of something better through therapy and recovery and I need it to work. I think that may be next on my list of things to talk about with my therapist. Isn’t embracing recovery similar to embracing diets and food as a crutch?

I don’t think the day after is going to be a sunshiny day. But I think that several days, weeks or months later it will be. Recovery is a process, and just like an alcoholic, we may always be ‘in recovery’. We will have dark days, but those days will hopefully get to be fewer and farther in between, so that it is easier us for see the sun through those dark clouds.