Voicelessness and Emotional Survival

Voicelessness: Narcissism

Many people spend a lifetime aggressively trying to
protect an injured or vulnerable "self." Traditionally, psychologists have termed
such people "narcissists," but this is a misnomer. To the outside
world it appears that these people love themselves. Yet, at their
core they don't love themselves--in fact their self barely exists, and what part
does exist is deemed worthless. All energy is devoted to inflating the self,
like a persistent child trying to blow up a balloon with a hole.

Because they need continuous proof of the significance of their voice,
narcissists must find people, particularly important people, to hear and value
them. If they are not heard, their childhood wound opens, and they quickly begin
to melt away like the Wicked Witch of the West.
This terrifies them. Narcissists use everyone around them to keep
themselves inflated. Often they find flaws in others and criticize them
fiercely, for this further distinguishes them from those who are defective.
Children are ready targets: narcissists consider children flawed and
lacking, and therefore most in need of severe "teaching" and
correction. This negative picture of children is a sad projection of how
the narcissist truly feels about his or her inner self before the self-inflation
began. But the narcissist never recognizes this: they consider
their harsh, controlling parenting magnanimous and in the child's best interest.
Spouses receive similar treatment--they exist to admire the narcissist and to
remain in the background as an adornment. Frequently, spouses are subject
to the same barrage of criticism. This can never be effectively countered,
because any assertive defense is a threat to the narcissist's wounded
"self." Not surprisingly, narcissists cannot hear
others: spouse, lover, or friends, and especially not children. They are
interested in listening only to the extent that it allows them the opportunity
to give advice or share a similar incident (either better or worse,
depending upon which has more impact). Many engage in "sham"
listening, appearing to be very attentive because they want to look good.
Usually they are unaware of their deafness--in fact they believe they hear
better than anyone else (this belief, of course, is another attempt at
self-inflation). Because of their underlying need for voice and the
resultant bluster, narcissists often work their way to the center of their
"circle," or the top of their organization. Indeed, they may be
the mentor or guru for others. The second they are snubbed, however, they rage
at their "enemy".

What makes it difficult to help this type of narcissist is their self-deception. The
processes used to protect themselves are ingrained from childhood. As a
result, they are absolutely unaware of their constant efforts to maintain a
viable "self." If they are meeting with success, they are satisfied
with life regardless of whether the people around them are happy. Two
circumstances bring this type of person to a therapist's office. Sometimes a
partner who feels chronically unheard and unseen drags them in. Or, they have
met with some failure (often in their career) so that the strategies they
previously used to maintain self-esteem suddenly no longer work. In the latter
situation, their depression is profound--like cotton candy, their robust
false self dissolves, and one is able to see an accurate picture of their inner
sense of worthlessness.

Can such people be helped? Sometimes. The critical factor is whether they
ultimately acknowledge their core problem: that as a child they felt neither
seen nor heard (and/or their self was fragile as a result of trauma, genetic
predisposition, etc.), and they unconsciously employed self-building
strategies to survive. Acknowledging this truth takes much courage, for they
must face their underlying lack of self-esteem, their exceptional
vulnerability, and significantly, the damage they have caused others. Then comes
the long and painstaking work of building (or resurrecting) a genuine,
non-defensive self in the context of an empathic and caring therapy
relationship.

Recommended Books on Narcissism

(For other books on this topic, see Amazon link below)

The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatmentby Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman. While
billed as a book for therapists, The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis
and Treatment is clearly written and accessible to
non-professionals. There are many case examples and little
jargon. An excellent choice for those wanting to learn more about the
consequences of narcissism.