Are you a dynamic self-starter who is passionate about customer service? Our guide to the wankiest job adverts

Most people don’t live up to the bullshit demands that a job advert insists upon, despite lying convincingly on their c.v. that they have all the required attributes. Here is The Bluelands Gazette guide to the meaningless drivel that you might come across in the search for your next exciting career opportunity.

Dynamic self-starter:
This sounds like they are looking for someone with the entrepreneurial acumen of Richard Branson, when the job in question is Assistant Manager in a shoe shop. Don’t worry too much about this requirement if the most challenging aspect of the job is stacking shoeboxes with the bar code facing outwards. The only dynamism you’ll need is remembering to offer shoe polish at checkout.

Passionate about customer service:
Anybody who claims they are passionate about customer service is a liar, or a desperately sad, dead-eyed, humourless greyling who thinks serving customers constitutes a meaningful existence. All you need to do is bring people their shoes without looking as if you’d like to kill them.

Your next exciting career opportunity:
Hate your current job? Experience the horror all over again with this job, which will be more of the same, but more disappointing, much sooner.

Proven track record in sales:
No one can really prove how much they sold in their last job, so just lie in the interview.

Hungry for success:
This means they are looking for someone happy to work 60+ hours a week and avoids lunch breaks by having soup intravenously dripped into their veins at their desk. They are cold-hearted bastards who will hoof you under a bus at the first sign your sales are slipping.

OTE 80K+ (also known as ‘uncapped commission’)
Wow, the sky’s the limit for the successful candidate, right? Wrong. It’ll take years to get anywhere near the temptingly astronomical commissions being promised here. Just because it’s theoretically possible, doesn’t mean it’s physically likely. Although, if you are a psychopath who wouldn’t hesitate to steal clients from colleagues and lie to get a sale, you’ll probably do well.

Competitive salary:
This phrase is reserved for industries where all employers pay roughly the same, i.e. not much.

Equal opportunities employer:
This is as pointless a statement as informing people that the flight they are on is non-smoking.