Even though there are very happy
men and women who do not have much interest in sex, I think that one’s sexual
satisfaction can be a very important factor in whether or not some people feel
happy with their romantic relationships; married or not. To directly answer your question, my opinion
is that some marriages do fail because one or both partners are unhappy with
their sex life. However, the reasons
behind such unhappiness can have a variety of sources, including past sexual
experiences, communication issues, and even the loss of sexual attraction
toward one’s partner. Let’s start by
examining how often married people actually have sex and their levels of sexual
satisfaction, what sexual difficulties they may experience, and then explore
what societal and gender-based factors may be exerting influence.

The average frequency of sex per
month is around “7 times” for most men and women in the USA; which equates to 1
to 2 times per week. Although married/partnered
men and women in the United States report similar levels of sexual satisfaction
in their coupled relationships (around 85% are generally satisfied), men report
“always” having an orgasm nearly 3 times as much as women. Men also report being “extremely physically
pleased” and “extremely emotionally satisfied” more often than women do. Additionally
U.S. men report less sexual difficulties than women. The two areas where men report greater sexual
difficulties than women, are climaxing too early and having performance anxiety
during sexual intercourse. Another
primary sexual difficulty reported by men is having trouble keeping an erection.
U.S. women report a lack of interest in sex, being unable to orgasm, feeling
that sex was not pleasurable, and experiencing pain during sex at least double
the rate reported by U.S. men. And
nearly a third more women report having trouble lubricating than the percentage
of men reporting having difficulties keeping erections.

Now let’s switch countries and
examine marital sexual frequency and satisfaction in China. According to the
book “Sexual Behavior in Modern China,” Chinese men and women report engaging
in sexual intercourse an average of 5 times per month; or about once per
week. On average 61% of Chinese couples
reported having at least a “good” sex life.
When we break it down the data looks like this: 26% of Married Chinese
couples reported having a “very good” level of sexual satisfaction; 35%
reported having a “good” level of sexual satisfaction; and about 26% reported a
“fair” level of sexual satisfaction. When the data was separated by gender, women
were generally less satisfied than their husbands/partner with men reporting
higher percentages of having a “very good” level of sexual satisfaction (M=28%
vs. F=17%); a “good” level of sexual satisfaction (M=49% vs. F=42%); whereas women
reported having a “fair” (F=34% vs. 19%) or “poor” (F=2% vs. M=1%) amount of
sexual satisfaction more often than men.
Regarding sexual difficulties among Chinese couples, only sexual pain
was examined by the study cited above. It was found for Chinese females, sexual
pain was occasionally experienced 36% of the time, with 2.5% experiencing
frequent pain.

One cannot determine which comes
first, a lack of happiness or lack of sex, but research has found the two to be
related. According to the research
behind the book “Sex in America: A Definitive Survey,” happiness with partnered
sex (married or dating) is linked to overall happiness with life. In general, happy people experience physical
pleasure and emotional satisfaction in their sex lives. Happy people also reported having sex more
often than unhappy people; most extremely happy people reported having sex at
least once a week (72%), whereas only 27% of unhappy people could say the
same. This same trend was found in the
Chinese sexual survey study; with increasing rates of sexual satisfaction reported
as the monthly frequency of sexual activity increased. This was true for both Chinese men and women.

So what could be some of the
factors behind unhappy sex lives? In
general, unhappy people tend to report greater disinterest in sex, have trouble
having orgasms, may experience pain during sex, do not find sex pleasurable, and
often feel anxiety during sexual activity. Some people have suffered sexual assault, were
sexually abused as children, or have had other harmful sexual experiences. Such experiences often have deleterious
effects on the way people view sexuality, how their body responds to sexual
activity (ex., experiencing pain, having difficulty achieving orgasm, or
difficulty with erections or vaginal lubrication) how they form and maintain intimate
relationships, and may negatively impact their overall well-being and trust
toward others.

Although sexual dissatisfaction can
be related to negative past experiences for some individuals, the most significant
factor related to sexual dissatisfaction for both U.S. and Chinese men, besides
erectile problems, is how often they actually engage in sex. However, for both U.S. and Chinese women, the
data paints a different picture.
Although more sex throughout the month generally equals greater sexual
satisfaction for both genders in both countries, women from both the USA and
from China are less physically and emotionally satisfied in their sexual
relationships. So what’s the problem? The problem is communication and foreplay; or
more specifically the lack of communication and foreplay. In China, around 15% of women report having never
engaged in any act of foreplay (i.e., embracing, caresses, kissing, teasing,
etc.). Women from both countries rate
foreplay (and after-play) far more important for their overall sexual
satisfaction than do men; and would like it to last much longer than it
typically does. Even though there is a
significant positive correlation for both men and women regarding sexual
satisfaction and communication, women express a greater need to feel that their
partner can communicate and cooperate with them during sex. In other words, women want to feel that their
sexual needs and satisfaction is equally as important to their partner.

So in conclusion, yes, I do feel
that some marriages fail because one or both partners are unhappy with their
sex life. However the reasons behind
that sexual unhappiness can be due to negative sexual experiences from the
past, physiological problems (i.e., erectile difficulties, pain during
intercourse, lack of proper lubrication, etc.), or are simply the result of an
unequal and unsatisfying personal relationship between two partners. I feel it’s
important to stress the fact that marital satisfaction is not always directly
related to sexual satisfaction. Many married couples are happy with their
marriages due to the family networks they have, the children they’ve brought
into their lives, the mutual support they feel from each other, their shared
life-goals, and their similar morals and values. Sex for some couples just isn’t all that
important. For the couples that do see
sex as an important part of their relationship, what seems to be the keys to
the kingdom of sexual satisfaction is frequency (with most preferring to have sex
at least once a week), a sense of egalitarianism (gender equality),
communication, and foreplay/after-play (i.e., emotional and physical intimacy).

I’d like to end with some advice
for the men reading this. If you’re concerned with your partner’s sexual
satisfaction, don’t spend your time worrying about how big your penis is, or how
many sexual positions you know. Instead,
spend more time asking your partner what they like and what turns them on. Spend far more time engaged in acts of foreplay
(and no, fondling her breasts is not enough!).
Women’s bodies take longer to warm up to sex than men’s bodies do. The vagina needs much more time to adequately
lubricate than a penis needs to become engorged. If sexual activity begins before her body is ready
to, she is far more likely to experience sexual pain. And if you’re a man who ejaculates much
quicker than you’d like, don’t let the sexual experience end there. Sex doesn’t have to end when a man ejaculates,
and shouldn’t. Often a woman doesn’t
experience an orgasm during sexual activity, simply because the man she was
having sex with gave up after he ejaculated.
So if you come too quick, keep the sexual action going by stimulating
your partner with your fingers, through oral sex, or simply by kissing and caressing
her body while she stimulates herself with her fingers or a vibrator. In my experience (and throughout the
literature on the topic), sexually happy women equals very sexually happy men:)