These 58 MLB players won’t have a nickname on their jerseys because they hate fun

These players didn’t show the minimum effort for coming up with a nickname.

Not every player in Major League Baseball has decided to wear a nickname on the back of their jersey the weekend of Aug. 25. Don’t worry, though, as we’re here to point out the nickname-less players, team by team, so we can collectively wonder why they are like this.

To save you from having to count: 58 players skipped nicknames for Players Weekend. Well, maybe 59. That one is a judgment call.

Red Sox: Everyone has a nickname, you’re off the hook, Boston

Yankees: Brett Gardner went with “Gardner” which, you know. The Yankees don’t wear their names on their jerseys, but that’s no excuse.

Rays: Corey Dickerson, I get it, your nickname using “Dick” probably was rejected by MLB. I don’t know what Austin Pruitt and Taylor Featherston’s excuses are.

Orioles: Seth Smith, what are you doing, your last name is literally “Smith.” Ruben Tejada will look like a real rube with his real name on his jersey. Wade Miley, Dylan Bundy, Richard Bleier, Donnie Hart, Miguel Castro, and Mark Trumbo: who hurt you?

Indians: Jose Ramirez went with “Ramirez” so I’m not even going to bother coming up with a joke.

Royals: Ian Kennedy and Mike Minor are disappointments here, but at least two Kansas City players made it so their jerseys combine to say “Sledge Hammer.”

Twins: You knew Joe Mauer wouldn’t have a nickname: nicknames are too flashy for him. Ryan Pressly missed an opportunity to make sure no one confuses him with Alex Presley. If the jerseys had been presented differently, we would have gotten a “Buddy Rogers” combo, so I’m docking points for that missed opportunity.

Tigers: Congrats to the Tigers on being the second team all nicknamed up, and to Alex Presley for differentiating himself from Ryan Pressly.

White Sox: And the White Sox make it three teams we’re not mad at.

Astros: You just knew the Captain of the Fun Police, Brian McCann, wouldn’t have a nickname. Maybe he’s been a bad influence on George Springer and Dallas Keuchel.

Mariners: Ben Gamel definitely should have had a nickname, because I assumed he was Mat Gamel. Mike Zunino, you’ve got a Z in your name, like, Z Man is right there if you’re lazy as heck. Just pretend!

Angels: I was afraid Mike Trout would lack a nickname, but he’s got one, so the Angels are in the clear.

Rangers: Nicknames all around.

Athletics: Whether the A’s all have nicknames or not depends on how you feel about Jed Lowrie changing the back of his jersey to “Jed.”