3 Things You Must Do Before You Get Married

No doubt you've read at least one clichéd list telling you to do something like "Take a road trip!" before you walk down the aisle. And, yeah, you should take a damn road trip. But it's far more important that you check off these must-do's—according to experts, each one will up your chances of having a happy marriage that goes the long haul.

By
Christie Griffin

Apr 16, 2010

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Must-Do #1: Make exciting things happen—on a regular basis.

Every time you experience fun, new things together—like riding a roller-coaster or dancing until 3 a.m.—it triggers the release of two brain chemicals called dopamine and norepinephrine, which mimic the high you feel when you're head-over-heels in love. If you have a few people in your crew who are always throwing parties and inviting you and your guy along on their crazy adventures, you may be used to sitting back and waiting for fun, passion-boosting opportunities to come your way. But as time goes on, those friends may not always be there—and if you're not careful, you could easily become a couch-bound couple in a few years. That's bad news, because without regular infusions of those thrilling brain chemicals, your chemistry can fizzle. The solution: start making thrilling plans more often. "By getting in the habit of seeking out adventures on a more regular basis, you're guaranteeing that you and your man will feel perpetually love-buzzed," says Yvonne Thomas, PhD, an LA-based psychologist specializing in relationships and self-esteem.

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How to do it: You don't have to organize rock climbing outings to be a source of excitement. "The easiest way to become more adventurous is to just make small changes that are outside your routine or comfort zone," Thomas says. So if you and your guy are meeting up for drinks, suggest the place with the mechanical bull and challenge him to see who can ride the longest. Never done karaoke together? Invite a bunch of friends to meet you at a bar and drag him on stage for a duet.

Must-Do #2: Vow to never fake it again.

Sexual pleasure, that is. A recent Cosmo poll revealed that 71 percent of women have bluffed their way through an orgasm. Anytime you moan when you don't mean it or hold back instead of asking for what you want, you're putting your relationship at risk. Shannon Fox, psychotherapist and coauthor of Last One Down the Aisle Wins says that women who don't communicate in bed think of themselves as performers, not as partners. "Young women worry that they have to fit into an image that turns men on. So they'll wear this, say that, touch this, do that…and they would rather just fake their pleasure than speak up for themselves. And then the guy has absolutely no idea that she's not as satisfied as him." Putting your own pleasure aside night after night will eventually lead to frustration and resentment on your part, which can backfire in countless negative ways.

How to do it: You've gotta confess to your guy that you're not as satisfied as you've pretended to be—but bring it up outside the bedroom, such as over cocktails, so it won't be so awkward, advises Fox. "Talk positively so that he knows you're not being critical of him," Fox says. "Tell him you want to have an amazing sex life together and focus on the things he does that turns you on." Use phrases like "I get so horny when you…" and "Remember that one time we…" Men love it when women talk about sex and we guarantee he'll be eager to please you more—if you just give him the chance.

Must-Do #3: Be known for your "thing."

It's natural to get wrapped up in your relationship, especially when you're in that crazy-in-love phase. But it's important to keep doing the stuff you've always been passionate about, whether it's updating your vintage jewelry blog or sweating it out at your tennis lessons. "The healthiest couples are those who maintain their own identities and don't lose themselves," says Thomas. "They still nurture their relationship and support each other, but they have their own separate passions too." According to a study from the journal Personality and Individual Differences, people who "are true to themselves" behave in more intimate and less destructive ways with their partner, and in turn feel more positive about their relationships.

How to do it: Broadcast your favorite interest in a big way—which means doing more than just Tweeting about it. If foreign films are your thing, start a monthly movie viewing at your place. Or if you've started making your own fashion designs, create an online boutique on Etsy.com, make some business cards, and start spreading the word. The friends and connections who you share your passions with now will be the ones later texting you to come to a film festival or asking you to help them pick out a great dress. Which is exactly the kind of support you need, even when a big part of you is tempted to spend the whole weekend in bed with your guy.