Duality Inside – Deviant vs. Normal [NSFW]

Deviance: the fact or state of departing from usual or accepted standards, especially in social or sexual behavior.

We are all deviants. We go against the norm in some way, shape or form. We break rules. We say things that we know might hurt someone. Some of us even have kinky sex.

I used to be a sexual deviant in my younger and more foolish days; of course what was deviant back then is now almost commonplace today.

Back in these darker, more deviant days, along with being in an open marriage and having a moral compass that was definitely more than a bit askew from normal, I was a fetishist and very into the then underground world of S&M.

I won’t get into details here – those are tales for another time.

I tried normal once, for a little over a year about two years ago, after leaving my wild, devil-may-care days. While I liked the fit, smell, taste and feel of it, it wasn’t home. There was always something missing. I felt like a poser.

There is a big part of me that still craves the adventure and excitement that a more unconventional relationship affords; I still prefer being with a dominant man, but nothing on the extreme side.

I find that I have a lot of disappointment with my relationships due to having such a creative mind. None of the guys I’ve been involved with could live up to the images in my mind, nor the hype they claimed.

I wish I could have normal expectations and needs, or better yet none, then I wouldn’t always be disappointed. Why must I always wax poetic? Why can’t I be a normal woman? Perhaps I am my undoing.

Deep down inside I would love to have some semblance of a monogamous, traditional and dare I say normal love relationship, but what is normal anymore? It’s overrated.

The norm these days is a bit more on the deviant side I’m starting to see. Open relationships are more commonplace today, as is the fetish scene. Artists and writers tend to have unconventional relationships as well.

I wonder if I will always have the same pattern – relationship, ending, two-year hiatus, relationship, ending, two-year hiatus… lather, rinse, repeat. I’m tired of that worn out routine.

Why waste time, energy, emotion and my heart if it’s just going to play on like a broken record? This is part of the reason I stay alone.

I never much cared to define my relationships. Sure it’s cute and fun to say I have a boyfriend, but I’d rather have a companion without the label. Truth be told, it’s a fight within myself on this issue. I want a man to say, “This is my woman and I love her” – but I don’t want the relationship defined by societies norms. I want the normal in public and the deviant discretely behind closed doors. Maybe that’s asking too much.

All I really want is a small slice of normal with my life, not the whole pie. Is that too much to ask?

I’m ready for a man who feels the same about relationships as I do. A man who isn’t afraid to go against the grain once in a while and live a creative, adventurous and daring life with me. A man who is proud to have me next to him through every aspect of his life, yet understands and respects my need to go off alone at times to connect with and rekindle the creative in me. I promise all of this and more to the right man.

I’m tired of guys, games, hidden agendas and disrespect. I want a man.

Until I find him, or more importantly he finds me, I will suffer well with this duality inside me and supplement how and where I need to. No regrets. Full steam ahead. Catch me if you can.