Our local jails: the internet reviews

By By LYNSI BURTON

on March 25, 2015 12:36 PM

Several on Yelp weighed in on King County Jail, giving it an average 1.5 stars. Here's one dissatisfied guest:

"I
was a guest at the King County Bed and Breakfast in 2001.

Not the most welcoming place I have ever visited. Both the bed and the
breakfast were well under par. Why my rectum needed to be inspected before I
was offered my lovely jumpsuit and plastic sandals is beyond me.

Several on Yelp weighed in on King County Jail , giving it an... Photo-904721.106043 - seattlepi.com

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Now for another detailed one-star review of our very own KCJ:

"Stopped by to check on any service enhancements...sprang a
surprise inspection on New Years Day. ...

Breakfast was served promptly at 6:45 a.m. Cold sausage disk and Cheerios. The
milk was all I enjoyed while I donated my meal to the craziest looking guy in
there (a safety must!). Again, I enjoyed the climate control of the cell - warm
at night and comfortable during the day.

The complimentary hygiene package was the same despite requesting a softer
toothbrush and better whitening toothpaste. The sack lunch after my
arraignment was a snore-fest, so it was also donated to a different inmate with
facial tattoos who apparently told the 911 dispatchers to send more cops so he
can "[hurt] (paraphrasing) them too." For the record, this language
was strong and inappropriate, but he exhumed the right amount of crazy for my
free lunch. [Ed. note: You mean 'exuded'?]

I would have given them 2 stars this time because of the entertainment -
no one
knew why I was arrested during booking - A real laugh-riot. Shades of
early slapstick listening to 3 yukos debate my charges. Even the
young lady printing me cracked a smile and said I'd get off.....since
when did
failing to use a blinker become reckless driving and domestic violence. I
guess I should just be lucky I wasn't gunned down in the bushes.

Check-out was as usual....slow. The concierge was a large obese man who took
about 4 donut breaks during what should have been a 15-minute process.

Literally, when you're fired as a Wall-Mart [sic] greeter, they lobotomize you, slide
you into a blue uniform and sit you in a chair here."

Now for another detailed one-star review of our very own KCJ:... Photo-1564780.106043 - seattlepi.com

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Take this 3-star review (edited for spelling and some punctuation):

"The
King County bed and breakfast and kinda lunch is stellar. Parking is ZERO
problem - you will be escorted by your very own private driver and taken to a
VIP entrance in an alley through two very heavy metal doors that will remind
you of the scene from Rookie of the Year when Henry came to his first day
playing for the Cubs at Wrigley Field mixed with Wizard of Oz. You will
get a free physical! You will meet incredible anti-drug and anti-alcohol role
models! Free clothing, that, yes, sadly must be returned upon leaving the
facility. Caring and engaging staff will never let you go anywhere
without your very own personal escort. Great community living! This
place is great for networking for those in the business of scumbaggery. I
will admit, the service is a little slow though.

I personally would not go back. I know folks that have made multiple return
visits, they can't seem to get enough of the services there! I think many
of them have met their domestic partners there! Who doesn't love a good love
story?!" less

Take this 3-star review (edited for spelling and some punctuation):

"The King County bed and breakfast and kinda lunch is stellar. Parking is ZERO problem - you will be escorted by your very own private driver ... more

Photo: Gilbert W. Arias, Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Take this 3-star review (edited for spelling and some punctuation):... Photo-907256.106043 - seattlepi.com

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One Yelper gave it 1 star with two check-ins, accompanied by an extensive review:

"If jail has taught me anything... it'd to abide the law and you won't have to
stay in the horrible place. I figure with as many taxes as I pay, you
think this would be somewhat nicer. The nicest person here is the doctor that
checks up on you to make sure you don't need any meds or special care.
Once you're out of that room, you get a newb scanning your prints on a
high tech machine that you roll your palm over and over and over and over
again, not sure if it's the nervousness of the newb that is scared to touch you
because 'you're in jail, you must be bad' or does the machine only
look cool and just really suck. I've been here twice... last I checked my
prints are still the same.

Back to the holding cell. Four phones, one the buttons barely work. The other, the ear piece barely works. The third, mic hardly picks
up your voice. And the fourth has someone calling everyone they know
trying to get someone to put money in their books.

One Yelper gave it 1 star with two check-ins, accompanied by an extensive review:

"If jail has taught me anything... it'd to abide the law and you won't have to stay in the horrible place. I figure with as many ... more

Photo: Reed Saxon, AP

One Yelper gave it 1 star with two check-ins, accompanied by an... Photo-5575132.106043 - seattlepi.com

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The same Yelper gave some tips for KCJ survival (as always, excuse the grammar and spelling):

"1. depending on what side of the building you're in, you can look out the
window and by the flow of traffic or even casted shadows you can tell what time
it is (there's no clocks in jail).

2. jailmates are the best tv guide and these guys know how to pick up
signals on the ol' boob tube like a pro.

3. save all milk cartons during lunch. then ask the over watch for
a pencil. rip apart each side of the milk cartons and write on each one
2H, 3H, 4H... 2D, 3D, 4D,... 2S... 2C... BOOM YOU HAVE A DECK OF CARDS! **MIND
BLOWING**
other pieces can be used for chess or checkers.

there are a few other tricks but perhaps i shouldn't share those publicly...
jail survival tips:

1. wheel n dealin is your friend. people will trade food for cookies,
cookies for oranges, save your sandwiches - cuz you can trade that for more
water flavoring cuz if you think your home sink water is nasty... wait til you
try jail water.

2. save your paper bag from lunch. keep your stuff inside. and under your
pillow. cuz if someone tries to take it while sleeping, you'll hear the
crumpling and wake up and catch em.

3. if you need privacy while showering or duecin... put the garbage can in the
doorway. people will respect that and stay away.

4. don't piss in the pooper and don't poop in the pisser. you don't want to
find out why. less

The same Yelper gave some tips for KCJ survival (as always, excuse the grammar and spelling):

"1. depending on what side of the building you're in, you can look out the window and by the flow of traffic or even ... more

Photo: Reed Saxon, AP

The same Yelper gave some tips for KCJ survival (as always, excuse... Photo-5575124.106043 - seattlepi.com

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Another KCJ Yelper:

"i understand that jail
isn't supposed to be a comfortable or welcoming place but the attitude dished
out by some of the the officers is far unnecessary - not everyone in jail is
some punk convict. and the food... damn... worst stuff ever. everything is over
salted and HAS to be intentionally made to taste like crap. because even 'just add water mac n cheese' tastes better right out the box! why
even bother putting fake chocolate pudding in the tray or salad with watered
down, what i think was supposed to be ranch? the only good thing to eat was the
oranges - which i'm not convinced that grew on a tree!

the gym mats that acted as mattresses were
next to useless and the bed sheet for a blanket does not suffice for a source
of warmth in a cold cell. i'll give it to them that the facility and cells were
clean - thanks to the inmates that clean up after dinner.

Here's an abbreviated one-star review that nine people on Yelp claimed to have found useful:

"One special evening i was escorted by the local police dept.
to a secret garage door entrance in the downtown region of Seattle. My driver
at the time proceeded to open the passenger door and manhandle me ... into a special room where some older ladies i like to call them
my concierge examined me before entering the establishment. ...

I was escorted into
another special room filled with phones without receivers and that smelled of
urine and feet. The man that I sat next to looked to have no teeth and seem to
be homeless he asked me what i was in for and if i knew where to get some crack
cocaine, interesting. ...

I had asked if i could get a cleaner jumpsuit that didn't
stink of mothballs and feet they said "NO" god the service in this
place sucks. After that I was then placed into a elevator where i was
eventually lead to my room (cell) thinking great now i can get a good
nights rest. That wasn't the case because my room (cell) was filled with a few
gang members and people that smelled like a dumpster. ...

I'm
such a foodie so i was hoping to get a good meal for breakfast. I was given a
tray of what looked like wet dog food some greens a piece of cake and a apple
on top of a packet of orange drink yes orange drink not juice to wash it down. ... Then after breakfast we where then escorted into a
elevator to a activity area. The activity area consist of a basketball court
which was fun and was the only highlight of my stay at King County Jail. ...

King County Jail your food is
terrible terrible if u call that food the service sucks and it smells
like feces i will not be returning back anytime soon and i demand a refund or
the money i had before i was checked in that i suspect my driver (officer) or
your attendants (guard) took thx one star. less

Here's an abbreviated one-star review that nine people on Yelp claimed to have found useful:

"One special evening i was escorted by the local police dept. to a secret garage door entrance in the downtown region ... more

Here's an abbreviated one-star review that nine people on Yelp... Photo-1668191.106043 - seattlepi.com

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The Spokane County Jail collected an average of 2.5 stars on Google.

One dissatisfied reviewer who gave it one star (and needs to become familiar with punctuation):

"My husband was in there and his whole pod was on
lock down for 23 hours a day for months this place is inhumane not enough time
to call mail takes forever to get to inmates and the staff called me 3 times to
reschedule visits. I can understand if you are a violent offender than you
should prob be locked down for 23 hours a day but not for someone who wrote a
few bad checks come on seriously? time to move up into this century spokane
county jail hire more staff and build a better jail!" less

The Spokane County Jail collected an average of 2.5 stars on Google.

One dissatisfied reviewer who gave it one star (and needs to become familiar with punctuation):

The Spokane County Jail collected an average of 2.5 stars on... Photo-5345451.106043 - seattlepi.com

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Here's a two-star assessment on the Spokane County Jail:

"Definitely not customer-oriented. Staff is rude and lazy. Food is OK but
the amount is just enough to not to die from malnutrition. The booking is
always crowded and it takes forever to check in." less

Here's a two-star assessment on the Spokane County Jail:

"Definitely not customer-oriented. Staff is rude and lazy. Food is OK but the amount is just enough to not to die from malnutrition. The booking is ... more

Photo: Reed Saxon, AP

Here's a two-star assessment on the Spokane County Jail:... Photo-5575141.106043 - seattlepi.com

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Google reviewers gave the Washington State Penitentiary in Walla Walla an average of 3.7 stars:

"Stay was great, originally had a 30 year
sentence but had it reduced to 10 for good behavior."

Five stars.

Google reviewers gave the Washington State Penitentiary in Walla Walla an average of 3.7 stars:

"Stay was great, originally had a 30 year sentence but had it reduced to 10 for good behavior."

Five stars.

Photo: Mike Urban, Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Google reviewers gave the Washington State Penitentiary in Walla... Photo-911441.106043 - seattlepi.com

"Only decent place to
do time in washington. (Referring to the west complex Closed custody units).
Also the most secure, strictist, and violent placet but atleast no SO's walking
mainline and not as many snitches (just cuz they havnt been caught snitching
yet) as the other facilities and for the most part s*** gets handled like its
suppose to and c/o's [correction officers] dont mess with you as much cuz they know they will
probably get assaulted. So compared to what i hear about all the other
facilities (i can only compare to coyote ridge medium complex) i am going to
have to give it 5 stars." less

"Washington
State Penitentiary, one of Walla Walla's oldest Bed & Breakfast
establishments, has been providing stellar service to Washington's criminals
for over a century. Washington State Penitentiary, known locally as "The
Pen" or "WSP," panders to a committed demographic of long-term
vacationers. Stays at WSP can last from as little as a year and a day to five or
six decades. The Pen is in a club of its own, exclusively offering its services
to only a unique fraction of Washington's population.

Amenities at the Pen include three meals a day, private or shared living
quarters, visiting facilities and recreation fields, cultural activities ... and plenty of time to enjoy the company of your peers in a relaxed,
comfortable environment. A typical day may involve a board game or two ... a trip outside to enjoy the weather at one of four recreation fields
or perhaps a pick-up basketball game at one of three gyms. Later, back in the
living unit, one may relax in one of the living unit's day-rooms watching a
sports game, playing pool or ping-pong or simply conversing with friends.

Due to the length of the visits of many guests, The Pen fosters a healthy sense
of camaraderie and friendly competition between different groups of guests. ... No matter who one is or where one is from, the Pen is without a doubt
a great place to develop camaraderie among new friends.

Despite the positive social environment the Penitentiary fosters, a stay at the
Pen may not be the right choice for everyone. The pri less

Here's a rave review of the joint:

"Washington State Penitentiary, one of Walla Walla's oldest Bed & Breakfast establishments, has been providing stellar service to Washington's criminals for over a century. ... more

Let's hope this reviewer for the Washington Corrections Center for Women in Purdy was joking:

"When I was trying to get in, the guy at the door was
extremely rude. I just wanted a place to sleep for the night as my eyes
were tired, and I needed to keep going on through the next couple of nights.

I think the doorman perked up when I said 'who do I have to kill to get a
wink of sleep around here.' Then it was made known to me that this
exclusive club was for women only. I'm the kind of guy that likes the bad
girls. This club seemed kind of lame, like it was filled with stuck up
prudes. How dare they shut me out. I'll take my business elsewhere."

"The
food is terrible, the staff is very unfriendly, they constantly stop you and
ask to pat you down as if you were stealing something or they don't trust you.
The plus is there is cable in every room, but you have to share your tv with
another person. every room has 2 beds, but you can't choose who occupies the
other one. there is plenty of room to walk around or play cards, but it gets
real old after a while. I wouldn't recommend this place to anyone, and I would
definitely look for another place to stay if you are in town." less

"The
first night's the toughest, no doubt about it. They march you in naked as the
day you were born, skin burning and half blind from that delousing shit they
throw on you, and when they put you in that cell... and those bars slam home...
that's when you know it's for real. A whole life blown away in the blink of an
eye. Nothing left but all the time in the world to think about it.

Actually it was just for 10 days, but man this place sucks... Cinder
block walls, concrete floor, solid metal doors, no windows, no way to keep
track of time, lights on 24 hours a day... and they don't serve coffee
with breakfast! ... That kind of sh*t is cruel and unusual
punishment.

*Note to self: In the future do not question State Trooper's lineage
after being read your rights."

"The first night's the toughest, no doubt about it. They march you in naked as the day you were born, skin burning and half blind from that delousing shit they ... more

Photo: Igor Podgorny, AP

Another one who disliked the Spokane County Jail: "The
first... Photo-5375686.106043 - seattlepi.com

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This same Yelper also contributed his two cents on the Geiger Corrections Center in Spokane:

"Geiger
is the nicest correctional facility in which I have had the pleasure to be
incarcerated. Geiger reminds me a lot of the dorms in college minus the
alcohol. In a small campus setting near Spokane International Airport, it
is a work release facility with four bunks to each room. Inmates
are allowed to bring in personal items including TVs.

Some of my favorite things at Geiger were-

* Mondays- Tacos in the cafeteria and Monday Night Football in the TV room.
* Guards that were for the most part pleasant.
* Talking to the federal female prisoners in the yard (just remember to stay on
your side of the sidewalk)