There was this really, really popular preppy-ish girl in my junior high school who came back from winter break one year with short, bright green, hair, a star tattoo on her arm, a sudden interest in classic rock and a sudden disinterest in being really damn popular. Since she wanted to be an outcast and I was the outcast of outcasts, she started talking to me and we became friends. She told me that her boyfriend was a dropout who got high and played bass in his parent’s garage all day and that she really wanted to drop out of the 8th grade and move to Las Vegas to bartend. She always carried a pack of Swisher Sweets, always wore dark blue lipstick and told me she was going to take taxidermy classes. I thought she was the hottest, most forward bitch in Los Angeles County. She was the Drew Barrymore to my Sara Gilbert (but without that fucking my dad shit). But then I killed our friendship when she told me that she cut herself all the time and I told the counselor. Being a narc ass bitch cost me a friendship with the most popular unpopular girl in school! What I’m trying to say is that if I was 12 or 13 again and Miley Cyrus went to my junior high school, I’d probably think she was the hardest, baddest whore in the 818. But then I’d kill our friendship by telling the guidance counselor that she’s a forest fire starter.

Rolling Stone wet farted out a few leftovers from their “confessions of an 8th grade badass“ interview with Miley Cyrus. In the outtakes, Miley says that she thinks, like, coke is gross and like, weed is made from the greatest stuff off on Earth, and like, her Wrecking Ball video is like next level Sinead O’Connor shit. Miley also became Smokey Bear’s enemy #1 when she said that she throws cigarettes out the car window.

On how she only likes happy drugs: I think weed is the best drug on earth. One time I smoked a joint with peyote in it, and I saw a wolf howling at the moon. Hollywood is a coke town, but weed is so much better. And molly, too. Those are happy drugs— social drugs. They make you want to be with friends. You’re out in the open. You’re not in a bathroom. I really don’t like coke. It’s so gross and so dark. It’s like what are you, from the ’90s? Ew.

On how she’s addicted to fame and gets the shakes if the paparazzi aren’t trying to take her picture: I said I was going to take a year off before I made this record. But it’s hard to take a break. It’s almost depressing when you’re not working. You’re so used to people calling your name, and that energy, and when you don’t have it anymore … That’s why I never complain about people wanting autographs or pictures. Because if there were a few days where no one asked, I’d probably be like “What the fuck’s going on? Do people not like me?” I hate the paparazzi — but when they’re not sitting there waiting for you, you’re like “Who’s bigger news? Who are you trying to get a picture of?”

On how her video for Wrecking Ball is like a reboot of the Nothing Compares 2 U video: It’s the opposite of the VMAs. It’s like the Sinead O’Connor video [for "Nothing Compares 2 U"], but, like, the most modern version. I wanted it to be tough but really pretty — that’s what Sinead did with her hair and everything. The trick is getting the camera up above you, so it almost looks like you’re looking up at someone and crying. I think people are going to hate it, they’re going to see my ass and be like, “Oh my God, I can’t believe she did that” — and then when we get to the bridge, they’re gonna have a little tear and be like, “Fuck you!” I think it will be one of those iconic videos too. I think it’s something that people are not gonna forget. Hopefully an artist 30 years from now will be like “Yo you remember that Miley Cyrus video? We gotta do something like that.”

On people saying she’s “playing black” (copyright: Basement Baby): Me and [producer] Mike WiLL were talking about it. He said, “For me, my biggest achievement has been working with a white girl—but for a white girl to work and associate with black producers, you’re being ratchet.” He’s like, “Why am I on the come-up if I work with you, but if you work with me, it’s like you’re trying to be hood?” It’s a double-standard. I didn’t really realize it, but people are still racist. It’s kind of insane. Like if I had come out [at the VMAs] with all white-girl dancers, and done the fucking “Cha Cha Slide”— same outfit, same everything — it wouldn’t have been bad. But because of who I came out with, people got upset. Because they were girls from the club. They had thick asses. They were twerking. That’s what I want, though — I want real girls up there who can really party. The Baker girls [her backup dance crew, the L.A. Bakers] don’t give a fuck about me. They love me, but they’re not kissing my ass. They’re just excited to not be dancing at the club.

On how she thinks sticking her dirty yeast muscle of a tongue out all the time is cool: I just stick my tongue out because I hate smiling in pictures. It’s so awkward. It looks so cheesy. Now people expect it — like, “Put your tongue out!” It’s just easier that way. Taking pictures is so embarrassing. But there’s also something about it that I think is cool. Every other girl is so serious — like this is my moment on the red carpet, I’m in my ball gown, looking pretty. There’s something empowering about what I’m doing right now. Especially having “short hair don’t care.” I think it’s empowering for girls. Because there’s not one thing that defines what beauty is.

On how she wants you to want to hang out with her: I want to be the cool chick that everyone wants to be friends with. I want the people who watch my shows or watch my videos to be like, “She looks like the most fun person to hang out with ever. I want to be that girl’s best friend. I want to party with her.” It’s like, if you’re hanging out with Beyoncé, it’s almost like you’re hanging out with a goddess. She’s like a real queen. It’s a different realm. Where my thing is kind of the opposite. My shtick is I’m the homey.

On how she’s the “classic artist” to so many people: It’s coming out soon, so right now I’m listening to it 20,000 times to make sure it’s perfect. I have to make sure every detail is perfect. There are albums that people still are listening to, like Michael Jackson’s Bad, because it’s so fucking dope. I want people to listen to my album like that. There’s a line Ludacris says on my album that goes, “If I die before my time, at least I’ll still be living through my music.” That’s something I’ve said over and over again. Like, I have one Pixies record that is a time for me — from the time I was 16 until I was 18, the Pixies is all I listened to. And I’m going to be that artist to so many people, so I want to make sure my record is the best it can be. I’m trying to set a new standard for pop music. So it has to live up.

On how she’s a forest fire starter: The thing about L.A. is it’s pretty much always nice out here. Even when it was 100 the other day, I loved it. It felt good. I worked on my album in Philly, and I would take the train to New York on the weekends, and I’d get off the train and immediately want to die. I would just hate my life. And I’m from Nashville, which is kind of similar — when it’s hot, it’s fucking miserable. But Nashville at least it kind of rains in the summer. I don’t even remember the last time it rained out here. I always wondered how those big-ass fires start in L.A., and then I’ll throw my cigarette out the window or something, and I’m like “There it is.”

If you said, “Watch out we got a real badass over here” after each of those quotes, you gave the perfect response.

Miley also said that she thinks cats are creepy and she doesn’t trust small dogs. She’s terrified of chihuahuas. Bitch, the feeling is mutual! If my chihuahua saw Miley’s gutter ass rat lizard mutated Chinese Crested ass coming at him, he’d scurry to the nearest Catholic Church.

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