Unpredictable Things That Make My Flesh Crawl

In a moment of masochism, I decided to write about the things that make my flesh crawl. Not things like vomit or blood, not “Jackass” type things… Just things that other people probably wouldn’t guess could turn me off so badly. Or something. Anyway, here they are:

1) Women dressed as men. By this I do NOT mean women wearing trousers, women wearing ties, or even butch lesbians with suits and crew-cuts. Or even bona-fide, pre-op transsexuals. I mean “normal” women wearing fake moustaches. Oh My God. I’m sure I’ve seen Lucille Ball, or somebody, dressed as Charlie Chaplin… Ughhhh, I can hardly type I’m cringing so badly. And didn’t Kim Basinger dress as a man, with a fake moustache, in “9 1/2 Weeks”? *shiver*. Fake beards, fake sideburns, ugh. Any type of fake facial hair on a woman is just revolting. Especially if she is otherwise feminine and even wearing lipstick. Yuck.

2) Electronic “voices” in music. Like when Cher goes “One more time”. Noooo, no more times PLEASE! I think Herbie Hancock used a “Vocoder”, or so I’m told, to pollute his music with “Is it a guitar talking?” effects. I know I’ve heard others. Ewwww! WHY am I doing this to myself? I feel sick just thinking about it! I think I’ve got this revulsion because I heard “Sparky’s Magic Piano” too much, as a child. Damn near shit my pants every time it came on the radio. That is one evil record.

3) Old people rapping. You must have seen it, on kids’ TV shows that try to be “hip” with an older character, or maybe on a show where the host decides to be “cool”… Somebody kill me. Old people should do anything they enjoy, hang-gliding, bondage, line dancing, anything. Anything but child-molesting and rapping. Please.

4) Scat. No, not playing with poo – I can handle hearing about that, even if it isn’t my bag. No, I mean SCAT as in some pillock standing with a Jazz band going “Wee do be do bop, hee shoe be shoo wop. Babba dee babbadee WOO!”, like the most irritating, disgusting “Blogmella, please come and punch me in the face” loser on the entire planet. I officially feel like I’m going to blow chunks now but I must be brave…Let’s go on…

5) Men in V neck sweaters, with no shirt or T-shirt underneath. No. Please. As an example – Michael Douglas in “Romancing the Stone”, when he dances with Kathleen Turner, in “Disco Dad” stylee. And he has a horrible thin sweater with nothing under it but his chafing nipples and the impending possibility of a spark igniting the nylon fabric, as his chest hair becomes statically charged. I sat watching between my fingers saying “Tell me when this bit is over…”. I swear, it was making me ill. And all the time that V showed us that there was nothing underneath. Ewwww!

6) “The Scent Of A Woman”. Possibly the most off-putting film ever made. I HATE Al Pacino now. I couldn’t sleep with him for a million pounds. Every time he said “Hoo haa!”… ARRGGHHHH. My Granddad was blind, I have nothing against blind people but that film was about the most creepy weirdo I’ve ever seen. Must Not Vomit On Keyboard.

7) Pillow fights. I don’t mind the idea of people hitting each other with pillows, that’s allowed – UNLESS THE PILLOWS HAVE FEATHERS IN THEM. How could ANYONE risk the pillow splitting and the air filling with FEATHERS?! And they do it in film and on TV, like it’s just normal, or like it’s funny or romantic. It is utterly disgusting. Imagine feathers going into your nose or mouth…Oh lord, I’ve never typed an entry where I suffered so much just THINKING about the subject matter. Ugh.

8) Gospel Rock. Starts out OK, lulls you into a false sense of security and then has some cheesy, unnerving chorus about Jesus. The first time it happens it is almost FUNNY it’s so bad. But after that the full horror sets in and I realize that ANY God related rock tune could be played to me in Room 101 and be assured to have the desired effect. “Why should the Devil have all the best tunes?” is a stupid question, that we could apply to drugs, whisky, or hookers. There are plenty of perfectly good hymns about Jesus, go to Church and sing them. Gospel Rock is the spiritual rapist of the music world, getting you to groove along for a bit and then slipping Christ into you when you least expected Him. Creepy. And enough to turn you Atheist forever.

OK, I’ve had enough. I need a cup of tea. Do you have any weird turn-offs?

I stupidly took my mum to a production of Carmen at the Albert Hall but it was horrible because it was in ENGLISH and full of Daily Mailers and then it got about ten hundred times worse because they started clapping along in time with the famous bit.

Number 8 – Driving back from Dallas and tuned in 3 Jesus rock stations in a fuckin row. OK, I know it’s the middle of the bloody bible belt, but enough is enough already. Fortunately the next station was old school head banging heavy metal which got us through the far side of Waco.

Bad one for me is men with squeeky voices. Men should have deep sexy voices, Brit accent is a definate plus. Men with sqeeky voices I have to leave the room. I flirted on line with a guys for a couple of weeks before we agreed to meet at a coffe house, when he opened his mouth and started talking I just got up and walked out, no excuse or explanation, my skin was crawling and I just couldn’t be there.

OH MY GOD! And you know what? Brandon had already heard of this, because kids in the year below him at school are doing it! They come up and “side hug” people and say “Christian side hug!” but luckily they are taking the piss when they do.

Those fake “rappers” make me want to cry. Can’t they see how obscene their “act” is? The whole idea that people who front hug are being dirty and that “Jesus didn’t hug like that” WHAT? And they way they try to look hard and they pretend to be shot. Fucking hell. I’m horrified.

Take it from me – you have to hit someone pretty darn hard to cause a standard feather pillow to break open and scatter its contents. The victim will likely have a bloody nose as a result of the force needed – and bloody feathers will clog a vacuum cleaner in nothing flat – again, I know these things…

Nudity or sex scenes in movies and TV. I don’t mind a good kissing scene, but when the clothes start coming off and people assume awkward positions I want to gak all over. Porn is one thing…a movie with an actual PLOT and dialog shouldn’t involve a game of hide the sausage.

No, not measure. It’s when they put those huge holes in their bodies, big enough to put a coin through. I’m fairly certain it’s called gauging. I’ve seen them so large you could stick a couple of fingers through. *shudder*

OH! Yeah, I know what you mean. I am amazed my kids have managed NOT to have this done, considering the number of tattoos and piercings they have. I don’t mind it but I can see how it would make you feel odd.

I love reading your posts and comments because it takes me back to being in England last year. Sigh.

Ok, my turn-offs? People that are dramatic and HAVE to be the center of attention. I have a friend that when she walks in the room she immediately says something loud so that people will look at her.

People that have lost a lot of weight but still dress as if they were fat. Buy a magazine or watch “what not to wear” and get a clue! You’re hot now, so have some fashion sense!

And of course, good-looking, charming men. Come on, guy, there are dozens of men just like you. In fact, just thinking for 5 min. I can think of 3 guys that are almost exactly the same. You might listen to cool music, drive a cool car and get women like water but you’re about as special as polka dots. :D