cooper was my first-born. he was born too early and didn't stay with me long enough. but he teaches me lessons every day. he has helped me be a better mom to mason. and a better person. this blog is a love-letter to mason, so that he will someday know what kind of impact his big brother had on his life. and on his mom's.

03 September, 2010

mason and sleep

baby boy you have never been a great sleeper. i suppose it has something to do with me. but it also has a lot to do with you. i never wanted to put you down. never. never. never ever never. and i don't regret that i never did. but you and your sleep have been a source of tension for me and your daddy for your entire life.
right now you are on my lap. oh my god, no you aren't. i just wrote that out of habit. you are actually in my bed. alone. i nursed you down and here i am with free time and no baby clinging to me. no baby stuck to my boob. no baby on my lap. or in my arms.
i am waiting for you to srart crying. no. screaming. you scream. you scream as if you are being set on fire (that's how jude's mom erica describes it...gotta give props). so i have been terrified your whole life to leave you. i cannot handle that scream. you need me. you need to be touching me. and i am ok with that.
it took a long time for me to get there, though. i still remember the few times i tried to put you down in your crib and leave you there. the look on your face sends chills down my spine even now. you would reach for me and scream with your red face. tears running out of the corners of your eyes. the outside corners. i sat there and patted your bum and "shhhh"ed you and told you it was ok. but it wasn't. it was wrong and terrible and i hope that you do not remember it. i only did it a few times. for maybe six minutes each time before scooping you up. and sometimes you fell asleep. you even slept for a long time once. it sucked. i hated it.
so i let it go. and i just figured that if you need to nap on me and sleep on me, then that's my job. and i will be ok and so will you. someday you will sleep alone.
and that night, i'm sure i won't get any sleep.