Monthly Archives: October 2015

Yes! For on this fine earth-rotation, Penny Shares Too Much has reached

in my defence, i typed in “drumroll epic”, and not “childhood friend on fire”

♥50 FOLLOWERS♥

So, kneel before me, as I rule your universe of Randomus Shitoneous, and let me lead you into ever rising levels of ridicule and destruction!

We shall defeat our enemies together and rule the world!

Nothing will stop the sharing!

Too. Much. Can’t. Stop.

For example:

Today, I bought a pumpkin for Halloween (the night of slutty minions and penis onesies is nearly upon us),

And as I was walking home with my baby (yes, I mean the pumpkin – *whew*), there was a man walking behind me, and I suddenly contemplated the possibility of him suddenly attacking me and eating me for his Hallow’s Eve banquet.

But then, I realized that I would be fully capable of defending myself, because I could just smash his evil skull in with my giant orange globe, and then scamper away unscathed!

Hurrah for spontaneous weapons!

So, now you know how to survive an unexpected ambush when carrying only a pumpkin. Have a safe and happy Halloween!!!!!!!

I received some concerned stares. So to improve my situation, I said: “I thought that’d be obvious.”

Apparently, it wasn’t obvious. But we continued with the game.

I think some people see me in a different light now.

But I would like to have a chance to explain myself: I am not attracted to fourty-five-year-old men, I swearrr! I do, however, stand by the claim that men who have kept themselves in good shape look, well, the “manliest” at age fourty-five. For the following reasons.

Save me, doctor #ineedhelp

Also: suits. For realz.

Imagine if not all superheroes were gorgeous. Would people still want them to save them? (Don’t answer that. I’m not sure what I’m talking about.)

So, judge me all you want, but I’ve had this opinion since I was fifteen and there’s no swaying me.

I am about to give you important life-advice, and trust me when I tell you: I am a pro.

Not because I am a pro at life, but because I am a pro at failing at life.

So here is a list of things you shouldn’t do. Also, excuse me, since I am in a state of seeing red right now, so my wording may seem less fairy-like than usual.

and pls dont ask how wording can be fairy like. srsly. not today.

Right, lemme start the list:

Don’t replace your laptop with a tablet. Specifically, don’t replace your beautiful, lovely, all-powerful laptop with a hideous, useless, stupid, good for squat SAMSUNG GALAXY TABLET or whatever it is that I spent ALL my savings on.

Don’t listen to the girl at the electronics store who is thrilled that suckers like you have no clue what they’re doing and will gladly buy all the pieces of crap none of the normal people wanted.

Dont be surprised when editing photos, watching videos, even creating a simple Word or Powerpoint document proves to be nigh impossible on your new Samsung Galaxy Tablet that you bought with all your savings.

Please help me.

Don’t have high expectations when it comes to the bluetooth keyboard you paid for specifically to not have to type everything on the touch screen, because it will probably decide to not work for no reason other than it didn’t feel like it. No, it didn’t come with a charger or batteries. And no, I didn’t spill anything on it or drop it.

dont we all just luvvvv inspirational quotes

Don’t rant about your broken keyboard and / or shitty tablet on the internet, because who the hell wants to read something that negative anyway?

Wait…ok yeah I see it now. Sorry. I’ll stop.

So, learn from my mistakes, and just get the laptop. You have been warned. I’m gonna go cry now.

First, I would like to start off with a fun fact you might not be familiar with:

Did you know that sleep deprivation can have the same effect on you as inebriation?

Therefore, I would like to blame the following story on science, rather than my less than excellent judgement:

I’m on fall break right now, so as nature would have it, my sleeping patterns have of course gone to hell.

And, unfortunately, we all know how motivation tends to strike us in the dead of night, when everyone else is sleeping, giving us wonderful ideas of change and excitement and whatnot. Y’know, like going for a short run in the forest, ordering half of Ikea in an attempt to beautify the house, planning future broadway performances…

Now, the problem is that when one has transformed into something that could be described as “nocturnal” at best, “vampire” at most acurate, these ideas like to jump into our heads almost constantly.

So there I was, lying on the side of my face, scrolling through Pinterest, greeted over and over by pictures of smiling, laughing, cool, gorgeous girls, posing in cozy sweaters, grinning seductively into the camera. At first, I continued to lie on my face, unphased, scrolling, drooling, like the sad creature that I was.

After all, why waste time sleeping?

But then, I began to recognize a pattern: Many of these girls had bangs!

Well, I sighed, I guess I’ll never be that stylish. For my mother had often advised me against getting bangs, insisting that they wouldn’t look good on me.

Then, however, a wave of rebellion suddenly hit me: I could rock bangs! I could pull them off! And I would!

And so began half and hour of careful measuring, brushing, snipping, scrutinizing, and eventually, realization.

As I stared into the mirror at this

The beauty.

the gravity of my actions finally dawned on me.

Needless to say, a large variety of profanities followed, as well as a few tears, until I managed to fall asleep, accepting that I was probably going to have nightmares.

I did go to the hairdresser the next day, and look quite human again, but shall we just say: I have learned things.

I would like to welcome you to class, and we will begin today’s lesson in the child-pose.

Bend over and streeeetch, stretch your arms and your fingertips, stretch your freshly manicured nails, imagine a Pumpkin Spice Latte at the other end of the room and stretttch for it.

Keep your head low, and breaathe innnnn…

*thirty seconds later*

…breathe in as long as you can….

…and out…be sure to breathe out all the air, leave your lungs empty, and then keep pushing the air out…

…and just before you faint, I want you to breathe innnnnnn…

Inhale the air, absorb the vibes, appreciate the spirits around you, wonder why on earth you didn’t shower as you keep inhaling and exhaling with your face as close to your crotch as possible…

Now drift softly onto all fours, feel the energy building up around you, and rise gracefully into downward facing dog. Lift your buttocks to the sky, allowing the ceiling to marvel at the two gifts nature has given you. Keep inhaling and exhaling slowly, staying at the edge between consciousness and unconsciousness, letting your mind float in the misty synergy of your environment…

And as you inhale, let the wind carry your feet to the front of the mat, trying not to fall on your neighbor, as this would interrupt the flow of your movement…merge into chair pose, enjoy the burn in your thighs, as this is the world’s way of telling you that you are strong, stronger than anything life can throw at you.

Maybe take this moment to think of any challenge you may be experiencing this week, and realize that you have the strength of mind, the power, to overcome any difficulty.

Relax in this epiphany as we stay calmly in chair pose for a quick seven minutes, relishing the seat that the cosmos has provided you with…

And as you breathe out, exhale any negative thoughts or vibes that you have, and relinquish them into the abyss that is infinity…and come in touch with the life that is acceptance, and breathe in the new, positive energy that your classmates are now creating.

Now jump lightly into twisted half-moon,

and feel free to challenge yourself by lifting your second foot off the ground and merely hovering a few inches above your mat. This can give you a great sense of accomplishment.

And we will do a simple sequence, so follow my motions, and remember to relax and let the air guide you in your endeavors, and we will do this sequence a few times.

Whenever you fall, rely on the mountains and the oceans to raise you up, and continue when you feel ready to embark on the journey, and, um, allow the yoga mat to realine your spine if need be. Silently wait until breathing comes naturally again, and then drift back into motion.

Be connected to the universe, broaden your existence, and gradually, keeping the new-found form of destiny, release yourself into child-pose, breathing the sweat of your armpits, learning to love your natural state of being.