Stepping Off: Help! Save me from delayed-onset domesticity!

I once set myself on fire boiling water. I’m not kidding. It was an honest mistake involving a cropped t-shirt and a moment of distraction.

I was never domestically inclined. My childhood daydreams were populated by dragons, unicorns, and pop stars. Baby dolls and Betty Crocker were not invited. As I grew into a young adult, my aversion to the expectations and trappings of the traditional mom/wife role took root in earnest. By the time I graduated high school in the late 80’s, I was a pretty hardcore career gal – more interested in becoming a big shot in the world of New York fashion magazines than settling down in a house with a white picket fence.

As it turns out, I didn’t make it to New York. Instead, I accidentally fell into a career in promotions and advertising. I met a boy, married him, and had a little girl who is now 5 years-old. Our house didn’t have a white picket fence, but it may as well have.

When my daughter was born, I left my 60-hour work week at an advertising agency and became a full-time stay-at-home-mom. The shock of the transition rocked my world – shaking me to the foundations of my personal identity. Though I will be forever grateful that circumstances allowed me to stay home for the first few years of my daughter’s life, I knew early on that the whole June Cleaver thing wasn’t going to work for me.

About a year before I filed for divorce, my husband said something during a routine argument that may have been – for me – the straw that broke the camel’s back. In a moment of complete exasperation, I demanded that my then husband tell me what he thought my life’s priorities should be. His answer – “Taking care of our daughter, taking care of the house, and cooking a meal once in a while.”

In retrospect, I realize that such a list would be music to many women’s ears. There’s nothing intrinsically wrong with making childcare, housekeeping, and culinary arts the focus of your life. In one sense, those are three very “real” and worthy pursuits – certainly much more commendable than many of the “faux” goals so-called professionals pursue. But something in the dictate struck me to my core. The fact that anyone would attempt to forcibly shoehorn me into a life that didn’t include any of my personal passions – reading, writing, entrepreneurship – left me reeling … and angry.

I’ve been divorced now for almost a year. Ironically, despite my increased responsibility in terms of bringing home the bacon; I’ve also experienced a sudden, inexplicable interest in domestic pursuits like decorating, entertaining, and (‘gasp’) cooking. I’ve even caught myself clipping recipes!

Some readers may ask, “So what?” It’s a fair question, but one that – if you knew me – you wouldn’t bother to ask. I’m sure members of my family still wonder if I’ve been replaced by a pod person.

Considering the question as I prepared to write this post, the only explanation I have is a renewed interest in nurturing. Whether I’m planting flowers in our little patch of garden, feeding the wild birds, making pancakes for my daughter, folding the laundry, or mixing my beau a Friday night drink; caring for others gives me a great sense of comfort. Something about simply doing what needs to be done – even in the midst of a chaotic life-in-transition – provides me with a small bit of solid ground to stand on. There’s something calming about performing routine, no nonsense tasks consciously and with care.

Now, if I can just figure out why my smoke alarms go off whenever I turn on the oven, I’ll be in good shape.

How do you feel about the nurturing tasks in your life? Do you embrace them or grin and bear them? Does anyone nurture you? Do you take time to nurture YOU?

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I love to cook. It’s therapy for me, and I love to create my own dishes. Watching my husband and son devour something I made, with gusto and obvious enthusiasm, just brings me so much joy. Like you, until recently I’ve never been the domestic diva, preferring to fulfill career goals. But now that I have the time to cook dinner, I’m really enjoying trying different dishes out on my family. And I’m looking forward to planting a garden this spring. I’ll never be the canning or crocheting kind (mom tried to teach me, bless her), but having a house full of clean laundry, and a family with full bellies, brings me satisfaction.

Karen

I love nurturing, it’s what I do. I do not feel nurtured by anyone and no I do NOT nurture myself as much as I should. This is a year for me to do more of what I love and to put myself back on my to do list. I’ve been nurturing everyone else for far to long.

Allis

HA you’ve been reading my mind, methinks.

I never wanted to get married or have children, as I was SO afraid of being “shoehorned” (nice) into that a-typical happy-cheery-wife-soccer-mom bit.

Well I did get married, I’m about to birth our second child. And I rarely cook (DH is MUCH better at it than I could ever be). I do clean, but DH and I split the chores. I think I’m more into nurturing the kid(s) than he is (not by much), and that really, REALLY shocks me. My family constantly asks me if I was brainwashed. I mean I never really thought of myself as a maternal person, but I do think everything’s worked out for the best 🙂

I always thought I wanted to be a SAHM. The whole cooking, cleaning, child-rearing shebang.

Then I had two stepkids, and a domestic life. Turns out I didn’t want what I thought I wanted. I didn’t want to stay home and cook and clean. Mainly because I have no talent for either. I can cook a few things, but most of the time he cooks. I clean because I hate having a messy house, not because I want to. To quote my Grandmother, “My idea of cleaning is to sweep the room with a glance.”

Nuturing didn’t come easily for me. I was used to being nuturing to people who were my age. Not a 4 and 6 year old. It took a lot of support from Bryan and learning on my part. It was really hard with a baby who couldn’t articulate a thing.

Nuturing for me was a learned thing, it didn’t come naturally. And I still hate cooking. I’m content to pop open a can of soup whereas Bry likes stuff from the oven. And no, I don’t nuture myself. Part of it is that I feel like I’m such a selfish person by nature that I need to constantly tamp down that urge. I went from one end of the spectrum (caring about me and ONLY me) to the other (not giving a damn if I look like hell and feel like it.)

It’s a constant battle, one I think many Moms face, more than they like to admit.

@ Emily – I know what you mean. There’s something immensely satisfying about being able to make the world nicer for someone else.

@ Karen – Glad to hear you’re going to make the effort to nurture yourself. Go for it!!!

@ Allis – LOL: “happy-cheery-wife-soccer mom” I know EXACTLY what you mean. I have friends who love that, but it gives the heebie-jeebies. Glad you’ve got a guy who will share the load!

@ Heidi – It sounds like you’ve made a great effort to provide the nurturing that you do. Thanks for sharing your honest thoughts on the difficulties you faced.

Amy R.

I didn’t want to be a mom either. I was going to be a star on Broadway. Then I met a boy, got married and had a baby. This past year I’ve been trying to find my SAHM side. I’m like you where I don’t want to be told that I have to cook and clean. Yuck. But I’m beginning to realize how important I am to my family and how important it is to feed my family and keep a nice house.

I think some women are born for it and naturally take on the role, and other women work their way into it. Change is always hard, going from thinking of only yourself, to taking care of others but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Lately, I’ve realized that I feel really lucky to be a woman and that my life’s work is going to turn me into a loving and caring person who thinks of others.

Paul Kemp

When I was married, I was the one who did the cooking, cleaning and laundry, so I can relate to your feeling under appreciated. It’s been 2 years since my divorce and from things my sons have let slip, I don’t think my ex has made the transition that you have. It’s definitely not easy being the “house parent” when there are 2 in the relationship and a lot harder on your own. I recently published a book about the whole experience and I’m hoping, besides being entertaining that it will help a little.

@ Amy R – Ahhhh … a star on Broadway. What fun! It sounds like your now the star of your own runaway hit. Congrats to you on that.

@ Paul Kemp – Congrats on your book … would love to know how you find the time to write! 😉 Any transition is difficult, and each of us takes our own path and our own time. I hope, for your sons’ sake that everyone comes around to a place that provides positive support. Good luck!

Abby

I really like the domesicity of it all, though it was a surprise to me. Like Amy, I had dreams of going to NYC to be on Broadway. I’ve always been a bit of a narcissist. I am trying to take care of myself more and pursuit my own interests. It’s funny to me how much those interests have changed since having children.

I think it may all come down to the power of choice. It makes sense that you resisted domesticity when you were having it shoved down your throat, and that once you freed yourself to lead a well-rounded life (yes, I know that’s an awful cliche, but let’s roll with it)you were able to embrace the “tasks” that appealed to you. Also, fear not, there is hope yet: My sister blew up our stove when we were growing up. Twice. Now she’s a pastry chef at two well-known fine dining restaurants here in the Twin Cities!

@ Shangrila – You’re right, of course. No one likes to be forced into anything. To my mind, most domestic activities are done to care for someone else – they can be perceived as “duties” or “obligations,” but I tend to see them as gifts to be bestowed. And no one likes to bestow gifts upon someone with a sense of entitlement. Thanks for sharing the story about your sister … glad to know I’m not alone in my metamorphosis. I doubt I’ll ever become a pastry chef, but if I learn to cook a few simple meals, that’ll be a giant step for me!
🙂

Leena

I can identify with what you have written. I too, never played much with dolls or play-kitchens. In fact, I was almost aghast at how much time my elder daughter spent with her dolls! I went on to study computers and became a software engineer. But my priorities underwent a drastic change after the birth of my first child. Was a SAHM for 4 yrs. I too discovered the “domestic” side of me, cooking for my husband etc. But I know I will never be happy doing just that and so started working again now.

Smudge

Thanks for your post. Overall, I love the message. Try Cardamom in your bloody marys. Careful, a little goes a long way.

But… (not everything before the “but” is BS)

Obviously there’s far more back story here, as this was possibly the last straw, but you “demanded” your husband’s thoughts on your life priorities and then referred to his response as a “forcibly shoehorn(ing) me into a life that didn’t include any of my personal passions.”

A) How does a request for an opinion constitute “forcible shoehorning”?
B) Do those priorities leave room absolute zero room for personal passions? Every responsible parent has to shift priorities, typically with sleep moving down the list. But babysitters, quiet crayon time, and weekends with Dad ought to provide time for personal passions.
C) Priorities shift back as kids become more independent.