Devastated

Sometimes I feel like I should crawl into a hole and never attempt to have a relationship of any type with anybody.

Sometimes…. Well, probably more than just some- times.

Like it would be best if I didn’t have any feelings at all because, damn it, feelings just seem to get in the way.

Like I’m just too far damaged by past relationships to have any hope for the future.

Sometimes the most hurtful things said or done pass unnoticed, and no one understands why they hurt so much and nothing seems like it will ever be bright again.

It had been a horrid day, but I’d been determined to salvage it. What I had planned to be a wonderful evening wasn’t meant to be. I was already feeling vulnerable and a little anxious after writing a check for $30,000 to pay off the last of the home repairs, but instead of cautiously celebrating the end of an era, I ended up feeling ignored, unappreciated, taken advantage of, and angry. And that’s when the hyenas moved in for the kill.

They eat their prey alive.

Tonight, my confidence has been shaken more than anything and any way in the past several years. At first, not even for any reason that anyone can guess, but since the hyenas, I suddenly have no idea what’s real and what’s illusion or if there’s any truth to any of it.

If it’s all true—or any part of it is true—then every- thing I have worked for is pointless.