Why you should NOT put yourself out there: Four ways to get you back on track from that breakup.

When you just break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend you either think it’s a breath of fresh air or you are locked in your bedroom for about a month. What these two types of people have in common though is they get lonely after a while. The truth is its hard adjusting to not having someone there. Your first instinct is to get back out there and have as many distractions as possible. But, you should stop yourself from doing that and not put yourself out there. Yes, you read that right. When you put yourself out there after a break up you are extremely vulnerable and things can get more messy. These are four common “put yourself out there” mistakes that you shouldn’t be doing after a break up. We`re here to get you back on track because it isn’t always black and white.

BAR HUNTING

Naturally, our first instinct is to hunt. You want to put yourself out there in order to make you feel better and get a little attention while you`re at it. We are all for getting the girls together, putting your “I`m newly single” clothes on and heading out with some good wine. But, when you get to the bar you are expecting tons of guys to fond over you as if you are the hottest thing that just walked in. Maybe you are, but the point is they don’t know what you`re going through therefore don’t expect them to give you as much attention as you want. They don’t know how you freshly shaved your legs or spent an hour perfecting your makeup. It`s not that you aren’t good enough, it`s that you can`t put all your eggs in one basket. Don’t depend on someone talking to you just to make you feel that little sense of adventure you’ve been wanting. Obviously you can and should interact (you`re at a bar not a library) but having high expectations is when it can turn your night around into a huge confidence bummer. This night is not reflective of you or how good you look but the last thing you want is to stand out as desperate. The best thing to always remember is that when you`re looking for someone nothing will happen, but when you`re not everything does.

SERIAL DATING

This is something most people do in order to try to move on, you`re not alone. Serial dating is intended to try to take your mind off of how much ice cream you have eaten or most importantly your ex. While it could be going great, in the back of your mind you know exactly why you`re doing this. You`re filling in your time to prove to anyone but yourself that you can get back out there. Instead, your time is filled with critiquing this individual left and right. You`re looking for traits that are either like your ex or the complete opposite meanwhile he has no idea this is all going through your head (bless his soul). This makes you preoccupied, which is why most dates after your break up don’t work out. Instead, go out with friends, the mall or a workout class. Getting back out there doesn’t mean going to the closest guy you can find, it means re-establishing your independence and what it`s like to do things for yourself again.

TALKING ABOUT YOUR EX

Everyone will be sympathetic in the beginning but the truth is no one wants to hear about the same stories or same feelings over again. The more you are used to talking about your break up the more it feels ok to throw it into conversations even when you`re with other guys. It will most definitely scare them away and it should scare yourself too. The past is the past and you broke up in order to move forward. Side note: If you feel like you need to talk about it, or unresolved issues go straight to the source. Whoever said you shouldn’t talk to your ex in order to clear your mind was wrong. This is why when people try to cut out smoking they never go cold turkey and you shouldn’t have to but instead ween yourself out. If you take my advice from mistake #2 by keeping occupied with other things than guys, you`ll have more to talk about and think about instead of focusing on the one we shall not name.

CHANGING YOURSELF

Point blank, no one loves the basic girls as much as we all say we do. Each little personality quirk and different look is what makes us, us. Thinking you need to be more like the girl he always wanted will make you lose yourself in the process. If you start shifting your interests and changing your style just because you think it will make you more attractive it will actually do the opposite. Not to mention if a new guy falls for this you wouldn’t be able to keep up this act together for very long. Don’t ever be misleading to try to fit in, you can do it in our own way. Relationships break down for 100 different reasons and it most likely wasn’t because you didn’t dress a certain way or weren’t as outgoing as the person your boyfriend compared you to.

All these breakup mistakes will lead you to be more vulnerable than before and have a harder time adjusting to your new reality. Being in tune with yourself is the best thing that can happen. How do you do that? Take a moment to reassess everything. This might be overwhelming but you can get to the root of what is making you feel this way. Give yourself what your ex never gave you. If that was the new perfume you were eyeing, go out and buy it. If it was some pampering or cooking, go and do these things. You need to grab life by the b*lls again. When you make things happen for yourself your mindset and surroundings will finally change, and girl you know you need it. Ben & Jerry can`t be the only two guys in your life forever.