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My mom is experiencing this, on the one year mark of my brother’s death. You don’t expect to outlive your kids. And some friends of ours just lost their 33 year old daughter last week. I know they are reeling from the shock of that.

Jenny, any chance you’re in VA or NC? I’m in northern VA. Dawned on me – some of us may be close enough to meet one day. Obviously, don’t give full details here online, but Sandi could certainly figure it all out for some of us through e-mail communications. BTW – Sandi, feel free to give my e-mail to any of the ladies routinely visiting here, should anyone ever request it.

After I left my last comment, I noticed my wink and smiley faces stood out in the postings. That bright yellow is hard to miss. This brings me to my method for the way we’ve handled our grief. A sense of humor is very high on my list of gifts from God. It’s a must! Even in the very early, dark days of our grief, we made sure not to suppress a laugh or stop a smile. Studies show people can detect a smile in someone’s voice, even recognize different types of smiles based on sound alone. And no surprise, some folks are “smilier” than others. It’s not quite as easily shared in writing, though. For this reason, I like the youthful smiley icons. Jenny, nice to hear from a fellow southerner. Guess you’ll truly understand any reference to certain behaviors or phrases. Cornbread used to be on our New Year’s Day menu but after the desire to cut back on carbs, we tend to skip it now. But we still love it. Thank heavens for Cracker Barrel.

I totally agree with having a sense of humor. I would have never made it this far without my humor. God had blessed me with some sarcasm as well..which has enabled me to made others smile in the worst of times. My family shares my humor and I am careful to not offend, but laughter is the best medicine!! If I were techy smarter, I would also add the smiley faces!!

Sandi,
I do understand how others and things in our life can trigger the sadness. When I read your comment, it all made sense how sadness appears when I am reminded that my best friend is no longer here on this earth for those times when I need a pat on the back or listening ear. Sam was a great listener. He did not always immediately respond, but after thinking things over, he would speak to me in words that always amazed me. I was overwhelmed with how much Sam cared about whatever situation I talked about and how he loved me enough to offer words with so much wisdom. I still talk to Sam and ask myself what would he say. Of course it is not the same, but it makes him seem closer to me. I do my best praying outloud as well. I think God put Sam in my life for so many reasons and I am realizing now that God is a great listener and he cares about me so much.God will never leave me and is always ready to hear my worries, concerns, fears and celebrate my joys. I really didn’t understand this type of love until Sam came into my life.
As always, thank you for this place to put my thoughts into words and for the opportunity to share with others that are traveling the same journey. As Robin said, I too wish we could all sit together one day and share. In the meantime, we have a safe haven here.

I feel the same, Jenny. Even though I’m in a different place after 10 years, I do like sharing and talking with everyone here. It’s comforting. I only wish there were a way we could all do it in person over a cup of coffee or glass of wine.

Is anybody worried about facing the new year? All we’ve ever done in terms of ‘celebrating’ is make sure to have collard greens and black eyed peas. I’m a southerner so it’s a must-do for drawing in good luck and money. It could happen! 😉 A few times over the course of our 36 years, we’ve joined others to ring in the new year but we’ve never found it a need. It’s nice if something becomes available to us, but we’re also o.k. with just watching t.v. and getting to bed at 12:01. 🙂

Robin,
I am a southerner as well!! I laughed at the collard greens and black eyed peas because I do the same. I am still waiting on the money..haha!!
Last year I was anxious and very fearful of the new year because Sam died in 2010 and I could not bear the thought of a year in which he didn’t live. Last year on New Year’s day I ran a new trail honoring Sam. I realized Sam will be with me forever and the date doesn’t matter. Entering a new year was a tough hurdle, but I made it. Today I am not as anxious, but as you well know feelings can change in a second when living with grief. I have days were I feel very confident, strong and have so much peace…then wham out of the blue something changes and I have to pull myself up again. This week has been filled with the rollercoaster ride. I just keep telling myself one foot in front of the other.
We still have a couple of days to prepare our collards, black eyed peas and of course my favorite…cornbread!!

Thank you, Sandi. Another Christmas is behind us. Seems a shame to wish holidays away but it’s how most of us survive the early years following loss. Hope everyone found they did better than they’d anticipated in moving through this one.

I keep a little newspaper clipping on my fridge which reminds me about this passing of holidays and time. The single frame cartoon depicts a homeowner standing at his front door, impatiently looking at his watch as Father Time stands before him. The bubble above Father Time says, “Alright, alright! I know when I’m not wanted.” The sash across his chest has 2001 boldly imprinted – the year our daughter died. What are the odds of that type of cartoon appearing that year for me to find? It was so appropriate for us – worst year of our lives and it could not leave fast enough to suit me.

Back then, I couldn’t imagine the next week without our sweet firstborn, much less another month or year. 10+ years later, I’m still amazed our hearts could withstand the pain of her absence. It’s a day at a time; many, many “Just get through this one!”

Robin, I find so much comfort in your words. It is incredible you found that particular cartoon in 2001. Knowing that you have survived 10 years with such heartache can only be by the grace of God. You are helping others by showing the strength God gives you day by day. I appreciate your honesty and sharing your grief with us.
My holidays are going better than I anticipated. Watched a wonderful movie with my parents tonight, The Secondhand Lion. A grieving man wants the pain to end and life to be over. His young nephew says, “I know you miss Jasmine and want to be with her, but if you die, we will miss you just as much.” I realized that as much as I hurt and am overwhelmed with sorrow, my boys will need me for years to come. Sorta a message I needed to hear as my boys grow up and away from home. Some days it doesn’t seem like we can take one more day of sorrow, but by the grace of God we get up and put one foot in front of the other.
Thank you Robin for again writing with so much encouragement.

Robin,
As I’ve said before, I still seem to find myself glad when the holidays are over. Even though its been 10 years, I carried around an underlying sadness this year, tho it wasn’t very strong. It kind of surprised me.

I had much the same experience, Sandi, but as I’ve mentioned before, our daughter plays a huge role in how we process things at this point. She’ll not win any award for ‘warm and fuzzy’. For this reason, my husband and I can’t share the holidays with her in the way you likely do with your children, or the way you have with your boys, Jenny. It’s our reality.

So, even as I thought I had gotten through the holidays (made it right up to yesterday a.m.), I was pulled into sadnes. Doesn’t help we’re experiencing some roofing problems. But that’s a whole other burden – don’t let me go there. Point being, any number of things Influence our pain, whether during the holidays or on a perfectly ordinary day. And indeed, it can certainly take us by surprise.

Hope you’re feelng better soon, Sandi. And glad you did well, Jenny; able to find a message in the movie that registered with your heart in a positive way. BTW the way, my husband and I saw this movie and enjoyed it, though the details are a bt sketchy this many years later. Whatever you do, do not watch Haley Joel Osment in Pay It Forward. We had no idea what it was about and watched it only weeks after our daughter’s death. HUGE mistake!

Robin,
Thanks, I’m doing better. So many different things can contribute to sadness. I’ve found that my body is less tolerant of aggravating issues since my husband died. Or maybe I’m just getting older… 🙂
Sandi

Sandi,
I am not surprised by your underlying sadness, but maybe that is because I am still so early in my grief and wonder how the sadness ever truly goes away…or does it just just lay in wait for something to trigger feelings?

Jenny,
I think we will always miss our loved one, but the sadness is not the same depth as during early grief.

Robin,
I really do appreciate the warning on the movie Pay it Forward! I watched a movie recently that rocked me to the core…never saw the sad part coming when a young woman dies after FINALLY marrying her true love!! Whoa!! I cried for days over that one…so I really appreciate movie and book recommendations.I love losing myself to in a movie and especially books.

To everyone here…I feel really bad saying this, but I am grateful December 25 is behind me…I felt a huge sigh of relief on Dec 26..I finally took a deep breath and started to enjoy the holiday break!
I am extremely busy this week traveling between basketball games to watch my sons play, so life is a whirlwind of travel…but ahhhhh…so wonderful to be lost in sports and not so sad.

I am still reading and posting no matter how busy my life gets, for this is the one place I feel safe and surrounded by friends that understand grief. Thanks to all of you for the post that got me through Christmas.

"Words of wisdom from those who have had to walk through grief: be gracious/patient/forgiving when we forget appointments, change our minds at the last minute, don't return phone calls, act a lil' crazy."
Kelly Schleyer Powers

"You do not work through bereavement. It works through you."
Virginia Ironside,
'You'll Get Over It'-The Rage of Bereavement

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love."
Washington Irving

"I wish you would've told me," she said, "that losing you would be like losing my life."
...taken from author, Mary De Muth's novel, The Muir House.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
Psalm 147:3

"In a world rocky with human failure, there is a land lush with divine mercy. Your Shepherd invites you there. He wants you to lie down. Nestle deeply until you are hidden, buried, in the tall shoots of his love, and there you will find rest."
...Max Lucado,Traveling Light