living fully. fully living.

On clearing out the crap…

I feel like I spend the majority of my days recently on the verge of crying, but never actually doing so. I just don’t have the time for it. There’s always something more pressing that needs tending to. Right now, it’s my eight-month-old and two-year-old daughters that will.not.nap.

I’m making every attempt I can to disengage from everything that “triggers” me and that has meant a significant downturn in the amount of news I’m willing to let myself read. Basically, I’m going all “konmari” on my emotional and mental health. If it doesn’t spark joy, it’s out. It turns out that my personality type (typically ISFJ, sometimes INFJ) gets really triggered by willful stupidity. So you can imagine how frustrating my life is right now, considering the current political climate we’ve thrust upon ourselves. It’s been quite some time since I’ve felt truly joyful or happy. It’s hard to feel that way when I’m constantly tired and stressed and sick and busy. That’s not to say I’m unhappy with my life. I have a beautiful life…my husband and my children are everything and, for sobbing out loud, I’m living in Japan! My life is everything I’ve ever hoped it would be in so many ways.

But my current life comes at a cost. I missing my partner in crime, my daughters’ father, my helpmate. When he’s gone, everything is harder. Obviously. Despite having “signed up for this”, it doesn’t ever get any easier. We’re nearing the end of this deployment and the tail end always feels the hardest. I get angry and frustrated more easily. My daughters lose their cool more easily. No one is sleeping well. We all just want something, but to be honest, we don’t really know what it is we want.

This whole year has been awash with incredible highs and overwhelming lows. It’s been hard to take the time to process all of it. My mind feels excessively cluttered and my heart is taking a beating from that. I’m sure that’s the reason I continuously want to minimize everything in my life. I look around my house and I just see STUFF. Everywhere, every surface is littered with things. It’s like I can’t get any part of my physical or mental or emotional space under control enough to relax into it.

We’re moving (yet again) in a few scant weeks and I’m already looking forward to the pre-packing purge. There’s just so much stuff in the house and I don’t want it anymore. But while I wait for my husband to return (and hopefully purge a ton of his stuff too), I’ll be spending time on my mental health and decluttering the crap from my heart and mind.