The whole of London to be converted to runways

An artist's impression of Pall Mall with Bucking Palace converted into Terminal 650.

A massive swathe of London is to be converted into one huge airport with seven hundred runways after an argument between Boris Johnson and Patrick McLoughlin escalated. Please note, that Patrick has no relation to Colleen Rooney nee McLoughlin. This has been proved on Who Do You Think You Are.

"Boris yelled 'well lets have seven hundred runways and be done with it!'," said Jeremy Bovis, a building contractor, who had been at the meeting waiting to hear how much work he had coming. "I was surprised to hear that. I was even more surprised when McLoughlin agreed, grabbed a piece of paper and signed a contract to do it!"

The contract is worth three hundred billion pounds to Bovis. So he's keen to keep to the letter of the contract.

"I have to build seven hundred runways within the M25," said Bovis. "Plus associated support buildings. I mean, you can't get to all seven hundred runways from one terminal building can you? Even with the underground."

Starbucks have already approached Bovis, looking for space for fourteen hundred coffee shops. This has prompted a horde of other retailers to come forward, with companies like Victoria's Secret and Tie Rack expected to outnumber the corner shop supermarkets in London for the first time since 2005.

"With a contract this big," said Bovis, "I can afford pretty good lawyers, so I don't expect the government to be pulling out of it easily."

Patrick McLoughlin, for his part, now wishes he hadn't got into a slanging match with Boris Johnson.

"He doesn't debate fairly," said McLoughlin. "I've had more comprehensible debates with a five year old child. And now look what's happened. All in all, it's been a pretty poor first day at work."

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