Oh sure, with material success, its own column, acres of cars and a nice microwave oven, The Mill may look like your standard, sunny, successful, transfer talker-upper. But under its Colgate-smiling, can't-complain surface, the Mill's blood boils. Oh, how it boils. There are, of course, the average aspects of life that get the Mill's knickers more twisted than a night out in The Bloated Liver, like pants, dead celebrities hawking products and fat-free yoghurt. However, what really sends the Mill over the edge and hurtling towards a life spent filing its early morning doodles from behind 11 bars is the boneheads who think it's OK to flap their gums at gigs.

There is nothing those Madison Avenue grave robbers won't stop talking about while man's greatest achievement unfolds before their ears. "Oh my God! My hairdresser is actually going to kill me when she sees the state of my hair." Not if The Mill gets there first, love. "Serenity now! Serenity now!" But that's no use, it doesn't work. It just bottles up the anger and eventually you blow. Relief only comes with the writing of rumours, which brings us to the point of today's piece.

And where better to start this morning's ruminations than with the man who kept the Mill in business during that first shaky year, Harry Redknapp. The newly anointed manager of QPR has decided that the best way to help the club avoid the relegation slag heap is not to buy a decent defender or even a fertile forward but to cram another twinkle-toed midfielder that doesn't do very much into a squad that is dangerously short on twinkle-toed midfielders that don't do very much. And is there any one better at being a twinkle-toed midfielder that doesn't do very much than Joe Cole?

Redknapp certainly doesn't think so and thus he will "jump" at the chance to work with Cole once again. One person who may not be "jumping", though,is Cole. So excited is he at the prospect of being reunited with Harry that he has twice given the thumbs-down to the offer of recreating the duo's halcyon days at West Ham. Another player who may or may not – depending on which is your tabloid of choice – be joining Cole for some push-ups and a fat-ass wage in west London is the Marseille version of Darren Bent, Loïc Rémy.

Speaking of the Bentmeister General, there is about as much love for him around Villa Park as there is for a boot stamping on a human face forever and so the striker could well be doing his diva thing for every Premier League club come January with the notable exceptions of Arsenal, Aston Villa, Chelsea, Everton, Fulham, Manchester City, Manchester United, Newcastle United, Norwich, Reading, Southampton, Stoke City, Sunderland, Swansea City, Tottenham, West Bromwich Albion, West Ham United and Wigan Athletic.

Of course, Paul Lambert's unwillingness to play the striker for a side with the joint-second worst scoring record in the entire history of football has nothing to do with money. Nothing at all, nothing at all, nothing at all. But if Bent were to play say, oh I don't know, three more games, it might just activate a certain rumoured clause and allow the Sunderland supremo, Martin O'Neill, to save his job/club/the notion that he is good in the transfer market by bringing in Swansea's City striking sensation Danny Graham for a price of around £5m.

Oh and in big club want big/overrated-because-he-is-young-and-British-and-can-run-with-ball-dead-fast player EXCLUSIVE! Gareth Bale is doing one from northern London to northern Madrid. And its not because he doesn't love the club, or because the fans aren't the best fans in the world, or because the manager isn't the best manager in the world but because he is the type of new-age, free-thinking, free-wheeling, Freethought Association of Canada newsletter subscribing chap that is "open to new experiences".

He just wants to dip his toes in those marvellously murky waters of the Madrid mud and who is the lowly Mill to argue with that? In more bad news for Spurs fans, it seems Jermain Defoe is staying at White Hart Lane. "I'm not leaving Tottenham, I love the club and to score goals at a big club like this is fantastic. If the opportunity comes to leave the club it won't be happening. I don't want to leave, I'm a Spurs player – and I'm happy." So expect him to be plying his trade in west London come transfer deadline day then, eh?