Tuesday Watch List: Return of the Paltrow

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Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and yank on Tom Brady’s ponytail. Ten years from now, that man will retire and become the world’s dumbest yoga instructor. I can feel it. LET’S GO!

GLEE – 8:00PM (FOX) The Gwyneth Paltrow express shows no signs of slowing down. After dazzling audiences at the Grammys and Oscars and at Jim Bob Gristle’s Old Tyme Country Music Awards, the Oscar winning actress returns to “Glee” to reprise her role as substitute teacher Holly Holliday. And you know Gwynnie just adores her newfound singing career. She’ll muscle her way onto one of her hubby’s Coldplay records and set off an internal war within the band sometime within the next month. It’s a lock. Watch tonight as Paltrow covers Prince’s “Kiss,” which sounds like a rather sultry development. Also up on the cover block tonight are Stevie Nicks’ “Landslide,” “Afternoon Delight” (pray for a Paul Rudd cameo), and “Do You Want To Touch Me,” a song originally penned by Gary Glitter, who was convicted of molesting underage girls in Vietnam. Try not to think about that during the chorus. ANTICIPATION: EWWWW!

DIRTY JOBS – 9:00PM (Discovery) Mike’s mom and dad pop by the show. And thank God his mom finally showed up. This man has cleaned out whale carcasses, shoveled manure, and scrubbed sewers. And do you EVER see him use hand sanitizer? Not pleasant. ANTICIPATION: CUTE!

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF MIAMI – 10:00PM (Bravo – an NBC/Universal network) Adriana hosts an art gallery opening, but everything goes to heck when the artists can’t finish his paintings in time. Well honestly, who holds a show for an artist who hasn’t painted anything yet? Much less one that’s still alive? Any seasoned gallery owner knows you wait until the painter dies, then you go ahead with the opening. No risk of procrastination there. ANTICIPATION: DRAMA!

GROWING UP TINY: KENADIE’S NEXT CHAPTER – 10:00PM (TLC) Seven-year-old Kenadie is growing up with primordial dwarfism. But even that is probably easier to deal with than having parents who willingly named you Kenadie. I assume she has a brother named Linkin. ANTICIPATION: BAD NAME!

THE COLBERT REPORT – 11:30PM (Comedy Central) Your guest tonight is Dan Sinker, who created the fake Rahm Emanuel Twitter account. I love Stephen Colbert and I watch this show a lot, so I finally have to speak up and tell him: Please, don’t interrupt your guests so much. I know that’s part of the act, but at least let them get out one sentence before you jump on top of them. ANTICIPATION: CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM!