Positive thoughts on my life.

September 2011

09/29/2011

So I didn't feel like walking yesterday morning but then I turned on some music and started dancing

and then I sent that picture to my cousin and she told me to listen to some song that would make me want to do a "high kick" so I did! And you know what? I did do a high kick!

I did several. Max took pictures! I kicked my foot so high I almost fell over. I'm limber. My cousin even texted me back after seeing one and she said, "Gawd. You are limber!!!!" Yep. 4 exclamation marks! I think I made my boys a little nervous, too. See? That would have been a perfect time to be wearing a utility helmet! I could have been injured. My kids always tell me I am gonna hurt myself when I swing on the counters in the kitchen but you know,I enjoy taking the chance. I like to kick my heels up! It's fun....but the way I do it and the fact that I fall a lot...well, there is a possibilty of serious injury. Maybe that is what makes it exciting!! Anyway, I laughed and drank coffee and folded laundry. I think by 6:30 I had washed and folded 4 loads and drank an entire pot of coffee and was feeling pretty darn good! So when my friend showed up to walk she asked, "Are you ready?" and I said, "yes!" So we went to walk and about half way down the driveway she said, "I didn't really want to walk today." and I said, "neither did I". we both laughed and kept walking and then decided to walk the long route for our punishment. It was almost double our daily route. You know what? It was good!! Then we came home and drank coffee!!

See? double the walk! and double the coffee! double the pleasure! it was a good morning. Then I took a nap....not intentionally. I just happened to sit down for a few minutes and woke up 2 hours later. Being me is exhausting. I don't even know what happened to the afternoon because when I woke up I was kind of a zombie all afternoon. I did do some things but I don't even know what they were. By the time I drove home from Sam's football practice, I could barely keep my eyes open though. I came straight home and laid down and was asleep by 8. and slept pretty much straight through until 4 this morning. I am refreshed! BUT!! this morning I am listening to the soothing James Taylor so as not to wear myself out by the time the kids get up. No high kicks for me. I did spray down the kitchen counter though...I am still appreciating having one this morning. I have a lot to do today and also, I need to save my energy for tonight. It's concert Thursday with cousin Reg! Road trip!! Hurray! Some people live for the weekends but not me. I kind of like Thursdays quite a bit! Enjoy! Hey, and if you haven't done one for awhile....try a high kick!

09/28/2011

Good grief. I woke up every hour on the hour last night. I was so tired before I went to bed, too. I contemplated getting up at 1:30....and at 2:30 and finally crawled out of bed at 3:30...... and here I sit talking to you!

HI!!

I don't know what the problem was. It could have been that I was just so excited to get to go to bed because I had such a great day and I was exhausted! or maybe it was because Max has to sleep with every window of the house open and the fan on that I was freezing...almost to death....and had to readjust the covers every hour on the hour. I don't mind feeling the open air! I actually love it. It's kind of like camping and I have a big goose down comforter but I also kick it off and then freeze plus I think it was in the upper 40's last night. I should have just busted out the sleeping bag. Oh well, the coffee is great this morning....and warm. I am probably gonna regret forcing my walking partner into walking yesterday. I can assure you that today I will be the one whining about going. The sad thing is I am actually planning a time when I can take a nap! I tricked myself into getting up by promising myself one. I was all like, "oh hell, just get up! You'll have time for a nap today!" and then I told myself, "OK, GEEZ!! But do we have to walk this morning?" and then I answered, "Yes." and I said, "shoot." See? It's nice to have another adult to talk to. and ya know what? I'm not taking a shower!! I've all ready decided. I may mop the floor though. I think it's been a month or longer but now that I've said that.....well, I don't think I will. I don't like being told what to do. I'll show myself!! I think it's gonna be a long day at this rate. Hurray! More of life to sieze!

I was feeling a little guilty yesterday after posting about my mother in law because on Sunday I met my step mom at Sam's football game! I love her, too! She is one of my favorite people in this world. We had a great afternoon! I wanted to share that with you but didn't because.....

and I hadn't seen my own mother in weeks. I felt guilty because she lives so close and I neglect her.....so, yesterday, I was near her office so I called her and she came outside and we had a delightful conversation right there on the sidewalk! She's cute!

It's nice having 3 moms. What a gift! Don't you just love all the women in your life? I do! I'm blessed!

I'm also blessed today because somebody did the dishes last night after I went to bed.....

No worries, People. I put them all away while the picture was loading. I knew I shouldn't think about it because then I would talk myself out of it like I did mopping the floor. I'm kind of bummed that isn't going to get done today. So the counter is clean! Hurray! See? There are so many ways to find joy in this world. A clean counter is one. Some people don't even have a counter, you know?

What is giving you great pleasure on this fine day? Tell me something good!!

09/27/2011

Hurray! It's trash gathering day! Did I tell you I missed trash day last week? Big mistake. Huge....well, for me, anyway. I can hardly wait to drag the barrel to the curb. I'm giddy! There is nothing worse than coming home to an overflowing trash barrel. You know what is nice though? Coming home and finding that someone has mowed and weed whipped for you! Especially when the weeds were 3 feet tall! Thank you, good kind neighbor!! I love acts of kindness. It renews my hope and belief in this world. It's a good thing. I am still beaming!

You know what else I love? My mother in law!!

I knew from the moment I saw her that she was mine. We have a connection. ...both beautiful strong women. I have missed her. I spent the afternoon with her yesterday. We laughed and laughed. She has always had the best advice for me throughout my life. Now she is going through a something. And I hope I helped her a little bit. I told her the scariest part of being a mother is worrying that one day something might happen to one of my children. I cringe at the thought. The love is so deep. It would be devastating. Well, when I lost my husband, she lost her son. She is devastated. She all ready lost her husband....when she was my age. He was young too. Only 52. She is a testimony that life does go on and happiness can be found. I'm gonna write her a letter today. She loves letters. I'll remind her of all the positive, encouraging words she has shared with me for the past 30 years. I love her. .....and I have always felt the love she has for me. It's a true gift.

Well, I need to get ready for the day! I love this day all ready. A friend drops her kids off in the morning a few days a week because they need a ride to school...and today's one of them. They are great kids and they brighten my day right off the bat. We drink coffee and have wonderful conversations and I make them laugh which makes me happy. The days they come are some of my favorite days of the week. She thinks it's a burden to ask me to help. I think it's a gift that I get to. Silly woman. I know this though. They don't want to see me braless in my pajamas and starting with a shower does make the day more pleasant....married or not. My good friend told me that now that I am single, I actually need to shower more....it kind of makes sense, huh? It does. Think about it.

09/25/2011

I'm laying here in my bed. Anxiously awaiting sleep. I may have just screwed up because I just ate a handful of peanut brittle. Now I am flying high on a sugar rush.... And I need to brush my teeth again. We had a perfectly delightful weekend full of friends and fun and adventure! I'm tired now and I'm thinking of everything I need to do this coming week. Well, I'm saying I need to do it but I have also realized in the past several weeks that it doesn't really matter if I do anything at all!! Life goes on whether I am doing or not doing. I have spent countless hours in this room lately. Hiding. Avoiding life. I realize though that I have a choice. I can lay here or I can get up! Either one! A few days ago I decided to seize my greatness! Remember? Well with that mindset I feel better!! I have turned it around. I'm not pathetic!! I never was. I told myself I was but I wasn't! This week I will focus on my power and my joy and my ability to get things done! And I will use this room for sleeping whenever I need to.... Not thinking and beating myself up! And even though I'm not married, I will take a shower because it just feels better! The thing about checking out is that now I have a million things that I should have been working on or didn't do. It's a really good thing that I have the ability to do it all! I have a purpose!! Hurray! Do you need a new mindset in some area of your life? It's a choice, people. Have a great Monday!!

09/24/2011

Friday. I woke up and put a smile on my face even though I didn't really want to. I had stayed out til 2 with Reg on Thursday. We went to a concert which was worth the late night but I overslept. See? The good thing is now I know how to sleep past 3:30. I may have to move back my bedtime a bit every night!! I could have been grumpy but when I looked in the mirror, my hair was kind of tossled and I smiled at myself and I thought it was cute. And then I was so tickled with myself that I just kept smiling all day!

I walked with a friend although I didn't really feel like it. That's the glorious part of walking with a friend...we encourage and push each other to do it! Usually one of us is like, "let's not walk today" and the other one says, "we ARE walking" and we do then we both feel better when we are done. The other night at the concert, I turned around and noticed a guy waving at me with a big smile on his face. I didn't recognise him so I walked over to him. He said, "IT IS YOU!! You walk at the lake every morning don't you?" I said, "Yes. I do." He said, "I knew it! I'm a park ranger. I see you and your friend every day!!" and I was all like, "Well, hello!!" Since we smile and wave to each other every day, it was like we are friends so we talked awhile. It was nice! See? It's nice to be pleasant to people you don't know. Just think if we had scowled at him every day and flipped him off. He might have kicked my ass in that bar! Hurray for pleasantries! Speaking of.....after our walk, we had coffee! It's our favorite part of the morning. I love our chats.

and I love this pic. Look at it! I don't have fancy deck furniture, the cooler doubles as a table! and my jeans double as sweatpants! Hey, they are just as warm and just as comfortable. I have everything I need. It's a nice feeling! We drank so much coffee we both decided to go home and clean. I put on my boots!

And so did she!!.... but she dressed up a little more because her house is cleaner and her boots are newer and well, she is married....so she has a reason to shower!

I don't know about her but I got a lot done! I put everything away and vaccumed the dog hair and paid some bills and made dinner. I even washed the blankets in the house and hung them on the line and washed the windows in my van... and then I layed on my back and ate this entire bag of M&M's and didn't feel guilty one bit!

It felt good to accomplish so much..... So much better than laying in the dark in my bedroom. To celebrate at the end the day, I put on my cape and my helmet! Notice how Asa isn't suprised at my antics?

Well, you should have seen his face when I actually started flying around the kitchen! It was kick ass!

I may do it again today!! Just the thought of it makes me smile all ready!

09/22/2011

It's not a bad thing that after I wrote about eating healthy foods yesterday that I layed on my back and ate an entire bag of Doritos, is it? Hey I ate yogurt and blueberries too! and some cottage cheese covered in jalepenos! Those Doritos were good though...evidently. The good thing is that the entire bag is gone so hurray! I woke up with this song in my head:

I haven't listened to it for awhile. I have no idea why it was stuck in my head. It took me awhile to find it. Maybe it is a love song from my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! The only One who will never let me down and the only One who I have recently turned my back on....because I am angry. It's a stupid thing to do. I know this. I don't need a lecture. You know, I talk a lot about authenticity on here. Truth. Being real. There are a lot of things I don't talk about though. I focus on the good things because those things make me feel good. They make me happy. It's funner. And truly I am a fun, happy kickass woman. I know this. It's a blessing to be me! You all know my husband just died and here I am smiling and jolly and still finding joy in every day. It's probably hard for some people to understand how I can be this way but it authentic. Those smiles are real. The laughter is real. The joy is real. I will survive.... and grow and be awesomer than I once was. I mean no disrespect to my husband. He was a good man. I do miss him. But things weren't perfect. He knew this. I told him once that my true story was in telling his story and he told me he wouldn't mind if I did and that I should but I couldn't because that would mean exposing an ugly truth that I didn't want to face. I spent a lot of years protecting him and our family from that truth. It was exhausting and probably stupid because I am sure I wasn't fooling anybody except maybe myself. He was an alcoholic. He had a disease. He could function on a daily basis but he was a sick man. I was ashamed of his behavior quite often. The man I loved died way before July 28. I tried to save him and I couldn't. You don't even know how many times I tried to convince him to get help and come back to me. He chose not to. Not because I wasn't enough but because he was weak. I was enough! I didn't deserve that. He was stupid. I know he loved me and he loved his kids but he was powerless over his addictions. His weakness gave me strength. I know I am a strong woman and I can handle what I am left with. The load I am carrying is nothing I haven't carried alone for years. It's actually lighter because I don't have to worry about losing him any more. That has come to pass. I knew it would and so did he....and sadly, so did our kids. You may wonder why I am sharing this. It's because I have finally started to face the truth and I have been having a pity party for the past two days but I woke up today and decided you now what? He ain't worth missing. I can do this! The shit he put me through was horrible. I didn't deserve that. I am worthy of all the good this world has to offer and I will seize it and I have so much to offer and sitting in my bedroom crying is serving no purpose at all. I don't even know what I am actually crying about. Is it that he is gone? or for the relief I am feeling for having that chapter of my life closed. Maybe the tears are for the years of sadness and anguish I held inside. I'm tired of being angry. It feels good to be authentic and let go of that secret part of my world. I will find a way to share that story and maybe help somebody else because that is what amazing women do....and like it or not, I am one of those women! I am ready to be awesome. Yes. I am enough. And all I am thinking right now is LOOK OUT, WORLD!! WOOHOO!

09/21/2011

I have lost a lot of weight. The other day I got on the scale and weighed 127 pounds. I think I weighed something like that when I was in college. I decided 127 pounds was too small. I don't want to look like a waif! A gal at football practice confirmed my suspicions and told me I look aenorexic. I think the final straw was when I was dancing in the mirror in my underwear and noticed that they are too big. It kind of grossed me out. So I started eating.... really crappy food. I ate a whole tube of cookie dough....the large tube. I went to a soccer game and ate a hot dog AND a tray of nachos. I can't remember the last time I did that. Yesterday, I ate a grilled cheese sandwich with 3 slices of cheese....the cheese was oozing out of the bread....it was delicious. But then I came across this.....

This picture was taken last October. It was my 'before" picture when I started Weight Watchers and stopped eating food like that. I weighed 150 pounds. It took me 4 months to lose 12 pounds. It was hard work. My goal was 138 pounds. I felt good. Not because the number on the scale but because I was eating really good healthy food....lots of vegetables! Remember? I stopped eating candy and sugar. I did that because I didn't enjoy the highs and lows of the sugar swings. I stopped eating chips and most processed foods. And then I started walking.....for health reasons and I love it. I made some major positive healthy changes in my life. It's perfectly normal to be smaller when you make those changes. It's not a gross thing to strive for health...and I'm not aenorexic but I do need smaller underwear. And I may need to start some upper body toning excersizes. So you know what? I'm not going to sabatoge my efforts. I'm going to get back on track of eating good food and moving my body intentionally and I will accept whatever my body decides to weigh. I may throw out the scales. I should do that today. Maybe I will!

P.S. You know what makes me happy? Having a great friend who took me in her arms last night and two stepped me across the kitchen floor. She's great. I've been missing the two step. She knew that.

09/20/2011

Good God! I need to stop and take a breath. All this happiness and joy has worn me out. I know it has because I've been crying. I must be tired. I've been laying in bed again. I slept the day away yesterday and the night! I even let a friend pick up the boys from school. It's a major breakthrough for me to actually let somebody help me. I've had lots of offers from loving people to help me. I like to make it seem like I can do it all though. I have to admit that it felt good to accept the help and I know it made my girlfriend happy to be able to help me. That is what friends do for each other. It is one of my greatest pleasures "to do" for others.....lend a hand, be there. I'm not sure why I deny the people I love the same pleasure. The good thing is I got plenty of sleep last night and I feel better..... although I do have a stuffy nose. A cold. Luckily, I have several boxes of Kleenex! I may use an entire box today! I know this! I have a walking date this morning that I am looking forward to. And it is trash gathering day! AND I am open for all good things to come my way so I will just breathe and let them happen. Some days you just have to do that....and it's ok. I just had an epiphany! It's just like being open to the love and helping hands of friends....you have to be open to the love and helping hands of God to be blessed. That's pretty deep. I like it. It makes me excited for this day and thankful for that revelation. I am open.

09/19/2011

Reg and I went on a road trip to Kansas City over the weekend. This is the way most trips go with us. Reg driving and being all responsible and me riding and amusing us along the way. I think by the look on her face that she loves it. I know I do.

I posted a pic on facebook. One of my friends commented: " Please tell me you didn't stick your head out the window while your friend was driving!" Actually, I did. Is there something wrong with that? Have you tried it lately? You should. It feels good. I've been blessed with a wonderful travelling companion!

When we got home, well, Sam had a football game so we went.....well, I went with Emily.

Our team won! We beat the Gorillas! There is not a better way to spend a Sunday afternoon than to watch youth football! Love it! This is Sam's 3rd year. Most of the other boys have played since the inception of the team too. They are pretty good! Starting the year with a win is a good thing! Hurray! We have good coaches. They don't act like idiots on the sidelines. They just let the boys play. I love watching the coaches on the other side of the field though. There are usually a team of coaches who are dressed in matching outfits, all carrying clipboards and yelling....with smoke coming out of their ears...and making asses out of themselves. I love to see them lose just because it pisses them off . My favorite part is listening to our boys breaking from their huddle. They yell " Clear Eyes, Big Heart. Kaws can't be beat! " I love that.

After the game, we went to downtown Lawrence to eat pizza at Rudy's Pizzaria. We parked 5 blocks from our destination so we had to make a long trek. I always feel honored to be the mother of my children....especially in public. Each one is delightful and I will take part of the credit for that. They make me feel good about myself. I felt so cool walking down the street with them. Emily and I both had on t-shirts and our boots. I felt pretty cool just to be walking beside her. It was the perfect day....one of those days where it just felt good to be alive.

I didn't realize that we both looked like we just crawled out of bed! Oh but who cares? It just made the walk even cooler. 2 confident women with bed head!! The pizzaria was in the basement of a building. You could look up from the tables and watch the people walking by. I enjoyed that. So after we ate, I walked by that window while the kids watched.

Don't I look like big foot a little bit?

I actually put on quite a show for them in the window. I think sometimes my kids don't know quite how to take me. It is fun to be me. I hope some day they enjoy themselves as much as I enjoy being me. I wish that for everyone actually. It's a good thing.

I was kind of dreading coming home because the kitchen was a wreck. I didn't want to clean it but really wanted it cleaned. Who wants to start the week with 3 hours worth of scrubbing? Not me. We pulled up in the driveway and Asa was outside. I hadn't seen him in a few days....and guess what? While we were gone....he cleaned the kitchen!! I was so happy and I told him so. He does enjoy making me happy. It's a good thing! And then a little bit later? Season and Max went to the store and brought home cookies! I was really hungry for cookies. I ate 4 and was perfectly delighted.

09/16/2011

I woke up this morning and skipped to the coffe pot! It's Friday! Hurray! I really have no plans BUT I can tell it's gonna be a great day! I'm smiling all ready. I love it when a day starts out with a smile! I have laundry to fold and a few things to put away and the house will be ready for the weekend....I'm sure it will be full of people. It's a nice gathering spot. It makes me happy that people like to come here. You know what I miss about Kevin? Hugs. So I like to be around others who will hug me with purpose. I'm not used to going days without a good one. Today is Homecoming at the high school so I will go watch the parade this afternoon. Sam will be on the youth football float. He is super excited. I may take him to the game tonight. That should burn up some time. I always feel awkward standing alone at the football games tho. I went to a soccer game alone last night. I love soccer because I understand it and it keeps my attention. It's like the most exciting sport ever. The great thing about soccer is everyone can play and it's a lifelong sport. You can even play it when you are old! It's one of life's good pleasures....right up there with hugs! and coffee! I really have nothing exciting to say this morning except HAPPY FRIDAY, People! Enjoy!