(Watching the oncoming hurricane Maria. The 2nd in two weeks – same place)

Death Is Always In My Mind

Death is always on my mindIn one way or another.Lying there sneakily,Shaking meWhen something happens on TV.All around a violence:In the weather, in the city,In our children, in the poverty:Calamity.How to stay calm lamb myself;A question half my brain is taken up with.

And the time!Always the passingWithout chance of stopping;In the stars, the planets;In the ants & stones & plants.Yet a cup of coffeeAnd the world is right.All the worries of the night Transformed, And energy to right my life -If not the world –Uncurled - Thus one goes forward.

Death Is Always On My Mind 9.19.2017Pure Nakedness; Nature Of & In Reality; Our Times, Our Culture II; Birth, Death & In Between II:Arlene Corwin

I am not who you wantI am not who you seek,Do not let me wait,For a love that is bleak,I know my eyes don’t sparkle,Like the stars in the night,Nor the spring of emotions,That keeps your life a light.

You don’t need to look back,My heart can still breathe,Do not even dare peek,If it will eventually bleed,Fly to the sun, the moon, the stars,Dare not wish for my weary arms,Leave me as I am, broken in grief,I promise, this pace, will be brief.

Slap me with the truth and I will say you indeed loved me. Drown me in lies and I'll curse your existence. Or maybe---I'm just in denial, that love is indeed cruel or I am just unlucky. (I am not putting words in your mouth--just tell me you don't like me)

Note: Sometimes---we just don't like pain---do you know your defense mechanism in love?

I’m not someone you fall in love with. I’m the girl you find in the Fall and get sick of by winter. I’m the girl you make empty promises to. I’m the girl who holds onto those promises. I’m the girl who wakes up every morning missing you not knowing if you miss her instead. I’m the girl you stay up until 3am talking to and then the same girl who doesn’t get a good morning text. I’m the girl who gives you second chances because I believe we can make this work. I’m the girl who’s not brave enough to tell you that I’ve loved you since November and still loved you in February…even after you told me you had feelings for him. I’m the girl you use. I’m the experiment. I’m the trial and also the error. I am the girl who breaks her bones while crying into a pillow. I’m the girl who smiles at strangers because they might have it worse than me.But I’m the girl you fucking leave.

Anxiety rolls away in my tummy,My heart flutters,My head screams,It's nonsense,Nothing and everything all at once.There's no reason for it,No understanding,But there it is,Needling me,Torturing me,And there isn't anything I can do,But to ride it out,Smile it away,"Fake it until you make it."But will I?Can I?There is no other option,So I just do it,And hope it fades quickly,God help me.These moments,They just suck.But at least I'm alive,That thought always helps me through it.

Take away the knowledge of knowing whereTake away the burden of knowing what, how, whenTake me away from hereAway from my own skin Being the person I have beenSeeing the things i know and despise nowUnder a layer of truth lies brutal stainTurned up, turned down, knowing pain

You know the feeling that you get when you miss a stepThat feeling when you turned right when you should’ve turned left?When everyone has left, that’s not the type of feeling that you should getDoctors say it’s not normal to feel like you’re falling While lying down in bedThen say the drugs will make you stop feelingAnd it won’t be all that badI do exercises that help me with my breathingAnd I listen to what is saidButYou know that feeling that you get when you’ve tried something for the fifth timeAnd it still hasn’t workedThat feeling when everyone is telling you to stop worrying,And still that feeling lurkedDoctors don’t know what causes that feeling to stay longer that it shouldThey say it’s a chemical problemDo they understand that they haven't really made a breakthrough yetAnd I’m afraid I know the problemThis can only be understood by those who have felt itDoctor, this guessing game, is not working for your patients believe them

When they say it’s hard to wake up, it’s not just physical fatigueWhen they say it’s hard to cheer up, it’s not just a chemical lack of harmonyWhen they say it’s hard to go on, it’s not just the brains longing for the happy pill

The soul is ill

I'm so tired you guys. I can't go on living and no one gets it. Even my medication doesn't know what to do... it's driving me crazy. I'm venting. Gosh I'm useless.

I’ve been thinking about loyalty:A many-sided world of nuances,The subtle differences.We all know it means faithfulness,A sticking-to devotedly.Unfurled it shows its nasty sides,The negatives that worry me:Allegiance and adherence --Ism’s steel prepared to go to warAgainst all criticizers,-Isms’ othersCarving up the brotherhoodOf man.Not for nothingThat a missile system drawnTo sense and intercept an enemy:Is named the Patriot:A system to annihilate.

I worry ‘bout obedience,Compliance and submissiveness.I like reliability, dependability,Dedication if it’s not pervertedDuty, if it leads to thought,A moral sense,An ethic that agrees with life;Loyalty without the strife.Loyalty to think about.

A Thought About Loyalty 9.10.2017Nature In & Of Reality; Out Times, Out Culture II;Arlene Corwin