The Flaws that Make Us

I can’t say that’s it’s been an easy couple of weeks around here. I jumped into 2018 with big ambitions and a lot of what I considered to be well-thought-out plans. For the most part, January went quite well; the weight started just falling off, I found a whole new sense of inspiration for the book of poems I’m writing, and I worked harder than ever. However, there are a few things I’m struggling with thanks to one obstacle I didn’t plan on having to deal with:

Myself.

As I mentioned last month, I want to start a YouTube channel to go along with my blog. And, as I mentionedjust a couple of weeks ago , I also want to break the habit of comparing myself to other people.

As it turns out…those two things are really difficult to accomplish at the same time. I mean really, really, really difficult.

I tried to film one video. One. A short little two-minute clip of me introducing myself and my new channel. I had my brand new camera and a great lighting kit. I finished up, popped the SD card into my computer, and made it about 32 seconds into watching the video back before I deleted it.

I am well aware of my “flaws.” I’ve been self-conscious about pretty much the same exact things my entire life. The gaps between my teeth. The size of my ears. The weight I’ve gained. My voice. How thin my lips are.

The list goes on, and you get it.

However, I typically get to live my life in a way that lets me avoid overthinking these things. I avoid full-length mirrors, don’t let people record me, smile with my mouth closed in pictures, etc. So, trying to edit that video was an absolute nightmare. All of the planning in the world didn’t prepare me for coming face to face with myself in this completely foreign way. I thought I was past most of the insecurity I used to live with – that somehow this 25-year-old me was much wiser and far more confident than the younger version.

I was wrong.

I fell into a place that I hadn’t been in a long time. I stopped feeling unstoppable and became someone who doubts myself. This is not a person I want to be, so I’ve been trying to put all of this into perspective.

It occurs to me, when looking around at the people I love or just strangers on the street, that the things other people would consider “flaws” in themselves are the things I typically like the most about them. My girlfriend’s scarred hands. My best friend’s two different colored eyes. Freckles, chubby cheeks, smile lines, big hair, unique noses, and on and on. These are the flaws that make us.