the silent screams and musings of Michael Murphy

"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... 'til you climb inside of his skin and walk
around in it." -Atticus Finch, To Kill a Mockingbird
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E-mail me at strayhugs@yahoo.com

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Introverts catch a lot of shit for being introverted. The whole world seems so enamored by extroverts – the people we know who just want to be around people all the time. While we introverts might not want that, it doesn’t mean we’re depressed or suicidal or anything wacky like that. There are some things you should know about us.

1. Small talk sucks. We’re just not very good at it. We’re typically the big-thinking types. We like big ideas and theories. Small talk is uncomfortable. We don’t care about the weather or how your cat has been doing.

2. Being alone is fine. Seriously, we’re doing okay, even if we hole up in our houses for a while. We don’t need other people for stimulation. We find that ourselves.

3. We aren’t rude or uptight. We might seem like that at first, but get to know us. We’re still a fun bunch of friends, we just don’t always acclimate to unfamiliar settings and people so quickly.

4. Sometimes, we swing both ways. We might be introverts, but sometimes we are just so the life of the party. We do this willingly when we’re up to it, but we can’t always keep that kind of energy going. If we throw a party, great! But give us some time to recover.

5. We have friends. And they like us! Probably. People hear the word ‘introvert’ and think of the goth kid sitting alone at the food court. That’s a whole different thing entirely. We love having friends, and our friends love having us! We put in a conscious effort for people we think are worth it.

6. When with the right people, we feel safe.
Having the right people in our lives is amazing. we really give our best selves to the best people. We shine in the right company. But sometimes it takes a while to find those people.

7. We like to write things out. Writing is easier than talking for us sometimes. Email is the best because it helps us get the thoughts out of our heads without being interrupted. Thinking about giving us a call? Try a text or email instead.

8. We’re super productive. Sometimes at least. Usually in our alone time, we’re able to really rock and roll on projects that we need to finish. The solitude helps us, as we tend to be a bit more distractible than most.

9. If we don’t like you, you won’t know it.
It’s the truth of the matter. We hate conflict. So even if we don’t like you, we’ll still be nice. It’s a lot easier than being real with you. Especially if your feelings are inconsequential enough that confronting you on your bullshit isn’t even worth the time. Sorry. Well, not sorry.

10. Networking events suck. Seriously. Is there a mailing list we need to opt out of? There are few things more uncomfortable than a networking party. Except maybe a dentist’s networking party that we’ve just been accidentally invited to.

11. We don’t like crowds. Though I find that after a few beers, I can tolerate it. Introverts tend to get overstimulated easily, so big crowds aare tough to deal with.

12. Sorry, we probably weren’t listening to your story. We care deeply about our friends, but people outside of that circle will have a tough time maintaining our attention. It’s not that we have ADD or anything like that, we just don’t really care about you. On the plus side, we won’t judge you, so feel free to tell us all the fucked up things you said to your ex.

13. Don’t make a fuss out of our birthdays.
For the longest time, I had a great deal of difficulty understanding why I hated my birthday so much. Everyone I ever knew would come out and party with me! But then I realized: that’s the problem! We don’t need to make a fuss out of our birthdays, so please don’t do it to us.

14. We don’t want to make a fuss out of your birthday. We can quietly honor the annual birthday, right?

15. If we’ve chosen to be friends with you, appreciate it. We value our alone time. If we see you often, it means that we really love you. Just don’t get too bummed out when we don’t hang for a week at a time sometimes.

Read more at http://higherperspective.com/2015/01/introverts.html#XQmiEbs8YKGzTOz3.99

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

When I put her on, the colors and images were brilliant but I could eventually see the surface of each lens and the wear and tear they've been subjected to. There was one small, almost unnoticeable crack in the corner. A dark crack that I became fearful would catch dirt periodically, or worse, spread like a spiders web, threatening all that I see.

So I struggled with my fears and looked past the crack, and the images I saw were startling. Brilliant colorful tattoos, a beautiful, photogenic smile, a sweet inevitable "whoop" forever preserved within the annals of recorded YouTube history.

Within the bright flash of reflected light is a happy glimpse of both Daniel and Angela, each in their own lens, smiling, vibrant and full of life. Each with their own heart affecting struggles and each a beautiful result of determined and vigilant parenting.

Brilliant parallels between a daughter and her father. A unbreakable bond steeped in unconditional love and appreciation for each other. A relationship where patience, love,
logic and reasoning were oft practiced. Ironic when compared to the darkly frayed relationship between mother and daughter dwarfed by a history rich in tragedy and sorrow. In the background lies another, distant family headed by her brother with whom a complicated, sometimes volatile bond hangs on for dear life.

Other, unapologetic samples of past relationships litter the landscape. Failed way points with seemingly important life and love lessons rationalized from each like a pillaged carcass. The story of each told with no small excitement to recount her "been there, done thats"; she was her greatest historian. More than a few times that dark crack became noticeable, exposing the ugly truth of my jealousy of ghosts with no more claim to her present than I held over her future.

With this flaw present in my character, I began to write checks with my intentions that my heart eventually couldn't cash. My rose colored glasses became clouded with doubt and ballooning insecurities borne from my own complicated past. I dwelled on what seemed all the right things and procrastinated on the most important thing (communication). With no progress to be enjoyed, before I knew it I got good at spinning doom, living on an unhealthy diet of assumptions (all negative) and torturing myself with ridiculously realistic nightmares of my unworthiness.

It wasn't all gloom and doom. There were insanely fun and happy times which is what made the need to separate from a such a torturous "union" such a desparate and essential bid for self preservation. With the distance of time, an accepted engagement to another and..., well... the distance from her moving, I can honestly scratch my head at the impossibility of pin pointing any one single element as the driving force behind our misfortunate end.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Dear Reader. It's October, 2012 and how I have missed you!! (Sarcasm, there is no reader, self amusement evident, I hope). I have two out of three fortunate finds this lovely Fall! Certainly not in order of importance, I'll get the negative one outta the way first.

My internet service provider sucks the raw insides out of an oyster, sucks the butt out of a cat with a Tim Allen manufactured industrial high powered (double meaning intended) vacuum, sucks the fun out of a party, just all that and a bag of stale chips kind of sucking. The said service is provided by Clear.com. It used to work (I swear) much more frequently but for months, maybe close to a year now I have suffered continual failure of service and paralyzing helpless from their support "team", termed loosely on purpose.

Having said that, Comcast has approached me a 2nd time and have offered to pay $2,500 of the $2,734.00 initial installation fee necessary to provide my place of resident Business Class service, leaving me with an initial bill of $234.00 for construction and then a monthly bill of $131 after that... Hmmm... can't quite convince myself to unass the money, so to speak and yet I concur that my current ISP sucks... well, we covered that, didn't we?

So, with that unsolved mystery out of the way, I need to quickly pour my love for the 1st revelation discovered during this beautiful fall season! The Avengers movie! Never has a comic movie please me more with its choice of eye popping characters and actors, it depth of story and ability to keep every character involved even if on rotation and finally the SPOILER ALERT (you've been warned) incredibly pleasing faithfulness to the continuity of story lines long ago fleshed out within the pages of the comic from which this very satisfying theatrical achievement is adapted. It is so nice to see them honor decades old continuity, especially since it still rings true today.

Subtle scenes like the slow spread smile on Thor's face post bitch slap by a rampaging Hulk, the back and forth aggression crackling alive between various pairs Cap and Tony, Fury and Thor, Loki and Natasha, etc., the Hulk's sort of super hero approved opportunity to let loose and "smash" as Captain America orders him and Tony Stark's burgeoning ego that is not only prevalent throughout the romp, consistently and enjoyably challenged. The movie makes me hope for a DC infused Justice League of the same caliber. The Batman has been dramatically justified under Christopher Nolan's direction in my humble opinion. Superman looks to be getting the same treatment following what I thought was an enjoyable performance directed by Bryan Singer and embodied by Brandon Routh, only after reading some reviews I have to agree it is Salkinds/Donner's version redux. Still enjoyable though.

So how could I possibly follow up a thinly veiled attempt at a movie review of an exciting and spectacular movie? Well, it is Fall, and people tend to fall in love. I had someone last fall who I thought I could bring myself to love on the caliber necessary to perpetuate a union. That did not happen. And heading into the fall of 2012 I was sure to revisit my favorite Fall in love pastime with Warcraft 2. Well, I am not professing having fallen in love (for I feel those are strong and commitment infused words) but I certainly feel head over heels for a woman! Not just a woman, not just a mom, a special, sassy, classy and zazzy lady!! Someone who's worldly wit and an attractive charm that can only be tempered from years of parenthood smithing.

Her name is Lesley Reed Medina and I am quite the smitten kitten for her. When we first began messaging back and forth, it was simple, courteous greetings, salutation, daily blessings and an initial trading of simple yet helpful in painting the background of our lives for the other to see, factoids. What eventually took place after we became more comfortable with our knowledge of each others lives, works, daily routines, hobbies, dreams and desires was a developing bridge from both sides toward a common ground. We expressed ideas, our wishes to be better people, how hard we work, how hard she has and continues to work to be the wonderful parent she is to her daughter and son, etc.

She has shown me so many things. One sharply beloved enjoyment is Blue October, a local band that has achieved a huge and devoted following. My favorite work being "She's My Ride Home", an amusing and hypnotic stab at quintessential lovers as murderers. It is hauntingly beautiful. Of course I've always loved tattoos and have long flirted with vetoing my distaste for needles in exchange for some ink and she is practically covered! Beautiful and Gorgeous are often words I share with her and they cannot begin to aptly describe the work she's commissioned.

Right now I couldn't be happier. For once, I'm hoping Murphy's Law keeps his hands off.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Hmm... I just read in Psychological Science that my "ideal self" image, which is what is expressed in most on-line social networking sites (like myspace) is not actually what is expressed in Facebook. Instead, because of the structure, nature and POWER of contact that Facebook is designed to give us, we let slip the expression of our "actual-self" image.

Which basically boils down to, because I do not engage in the return of Farmville gifts, pass around questionnaires or send a plethora of "join my fill in the blank cause" invites, I can be classified, with an alarming degree of accuracy, as either anti-social...

Sunday, February 22, 2009

In reading your bit on the upcoming, highly anticipated Watchmen movie I’ve been given a revelation that we are not so far from knowing what our world would be like with superheroes who go over the edge and how the public responds.

Just think of any of the many celebrity, actors or popular public figures that we watch day in and day out and how, every now and again, one of them lets slip, showing the humanity and sometimes the insanity behind that mask.

Think Mel Gibson and his tirade about Jews. Here’s a guy whose work I enjoy immensely, acting and directing. Don’t get me wrong; he spewed forth some wicked venom that fateful day, but I’m already ready to forgive him whenever the rest of the world decides to. In the end, they were just words and he’s an actor/director, not the head of a super secret organization like the KKK.

Or think Wesley Snipes and his tax evasion adventure. Consider Eddie Murphy’s indiscretion with a hooker/tranny. George Michael, Russell Crowe, Isaiah Washington. I still want to believe that Joaquin Phoenix is just putting us on when he parades himself around in shades and an unkempt shaggy beard. I still want to believe that Christian Bale, who has portrayed my all time favorite comic character in the truest, most exciting and closest matching of continuity I have ever witnessed, will one day be able to distance himself from the most viral, crazy, non-stop temper tantrum one has ever witnessed.

Granted, these people aren’t throwing cars around or vaporizing a crowd of happy stalkers just because they can. But it’s not hard to imagine a more extreme offense being handled with a more extreme punishment, like serving some real hard-time or even death row.

Or what if a kryptonite horse crippled Superman? If art imitates life, his life would still end and his legacy would remain heroic.

All of the efforts of both you and your mother have finally paid off. You now stand here a man, capable of controlling your own destiny. (and MAN is that a scary thought!)

I have an opinion I wish to share with you that stems from my childhood and how I’ve been able to exercise some control over my own life and destiny.

I have found this world to really be a “survival of the fittest” kind of place. If you think about it, I know I have, that’s not a very attractive idea. First of all, it means that someone who is “fit” must mean he is attractive, intelligent, confident, charming, ambitious and courageous.

I have come to terms with myself and I know that I am not the most attractive bunny in the playgirl magazine. My intelligence comes and goes, don’t get me wrong, I have my moments but they are few. Confidence? No. I am far from confident. I constantly second guess my own decisions and I do not take criticism very well.

Charm? Hmph. I can pull of charm but it’s only a matter of seconds before one can see through my lackluster brand of charm. Ambition I lack, sorely. I define myself as a creature of comfort so I have no deep seeded desire to go out and earn as much money as humanly possible. And I am not courageous. I have my moments there too, but they are few.

So how do I get by in life, knowing I have not even ½ the major characteristics to attract mangled animal carcass, let alone a decent, attractive member of the opposite sex, (or the same sex, heck, I’m not picky)?

Well, okay, maybe I am picky. Anyways…

My super secret mutant power is… kindness. You know all too well how “kind” I can, or how “kind” I try to be. Let’s not even include how I’ve helped you and your mom (and to be fair, you guys have helped me out plenty of times in return). I’ve tried to be there to help so many people in my life I can’t count. Harry, Lisa, Robin, Chuck, My parents, Jenn, Teri, most students you can think of, My best friend Mike, his wife and kids, O.J. & Lena, Karen & her family, Sherri and her family, there are too many to list.

Chris, I am not a very special guy. I mean, I AM, but I’m not. What I mean is, what makes me special is my constant endeavors to help people whether their needs are great or small. Whether I’m lending money, doing physical labor for, or simply just lending an ear. This is what separates me from the rest. That’s my secret.

There are so many idiots, @holes, selfish, gluttonous, self-centered, egotistical little black holes running around, sucking up the life and positive energy from everyone around them, oblivious to the damage they cause that they are like a mass of black goo thrown up on a wall. And on that wall, by trying to go against the grain, by trying to be the one to offer the shirt off my back to help anyone in need, I stand out like a white blip of difference.

If you can’t make a difference with attraction, charm, confidence, ambition, courage or intellect then you have to find a way. If you find that way, whatever the way that works best with you, when you finally feel a sense of self worth, then that’s the day you have truly become a man.

Chris, congratulations on graduating from high school. Now is your time to go forth and walk the path. Your journey will be difficult. Everyone’s journey is difficult. Know that I am here for you with whatever questions you have, challenges you face and tragedies you must endure.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Prepare yourself. This is a rant and a depressing diatribe at that. This isn't going to be one of those helpful columns. Instead, I'm genuinely asking for your opinion. Notice I said opinion and not a cliché pat on the back, aw shucks; it'll be all right kinda crap comment.

I’m referring to the crapshoot that is dating.

Sometimes I think the gulf between the sexes is too wide. It boggles my mind how different we are from one another on just a general basis. Then you throw in the specifics like hobbies, mannerisms, life philosophies, views, ideas, perspectives, the works and we're suppose to traverse each other's psyche like a mental minefield in hopes of finding enough commonalities to bond with each other?

It all sounds like too much work.

We've all sat around day dreaming of, without investing the sweaty legwork of time, money, anguish and heartache, that perfect person who instantly knows, understands and LOVES us completely. This daydream-spawned personality is perfect and loves us for our imperfectness, including all our little quirks and inconsistencies. The problem with this daydream is, while temporarily satisfying, it eats time like a pothead at a buffet. It also periodically brings into sharp relief the reality that we DON'T have someone and that depresses us further.

It's thinking like this that leads one to understanding why the lifestyles of gays and lesbians is so appealing to liberal minded folk. Now hold your horses there, before you jump on your soap box about how gays and lesbian lifestyles are not choices, they are instead unchangeable genetic maps, blah, blah, (yes, I agree but) blah, understand this: it is folly to simply characterize someone as ignorant simply because they think, day dream, gossip, consider or wax philosophical about it being a choice. An amazing part of the human condition, which deals with all things stress related, is our ability to turn the other cheek. Sometimes a person can accept things so far and no further. Anyone who has come out of the closet to a parent and continues to share a very uncomfortable, “cheek turned in total denial” relationship with said parent knows exactly what I'm referring to.

The appeal comes from the notion that, and I’ll use myself as an example, since women are such a massive mystery to me, another man makes more sense. I mean, here is someone I can relate to before I even open my mouth (jokes ensue). He and I are the same sex. He and I are more likely to have the same mannerisms, like the same things, get off the same way, etc. Now try to remember, I’m talking about a momentary lapse in thought, another daydream borne from our desperate, frustrated selves, tired of coming away from a date scratching our heads and wondering, what the hell just happened.

The problem with THIS daydream is, every man at one time or another questions their sexuality in their life and some get it done and over with pretty early in their lives while others struggle with it for years or longer. I have no confusion as to which way my flag flies. I far prefer the smooth, soft caress of a woman to the bumpy, ugly, hairy stench of my own. In fact, so repulsive are my peeps that I am amazed that all women aren’t lesbians. Who would want to bump uglies with someone already bumpy and ugly…?!

Another problem is I suppose you never know how much in common you should have with a person where you can determine that said person is right for you. We’re all fishing and, never mind if it’s 5 pounds under weight. We’re happy we caught someone at all. We’re SO happy in fact that even if they aren’t right for us, we fight to make it work sometimes because we don’t want to be alone. We latch on and convince the other person that “It’ll all work out, let’s make this work.” What we’re really doing is holding this person until someone better comes along. Of course this is the wrong thing to do to someone else. It’s unfair and I personally wouldn’t want it done to me. To be used like that until they found someone better suited.

Of course I find it amazing that there are couples out there that mutually agree to use each other until someone better comes along. It’s like being alone is so undesirable that their willing to risk the pain and heartache that is inevitable when their partner finds that someone better.

Oh, and married people piss me off. Almost all my friends are married, happily. So if I mope about the fact that I’m single and lonely, I get to be an audience member at an improv display of public affection while they briefly thank God (silently) and each other (publicly & loudly) that they have someone and don’t have to do the single people dance anymore. Don’t get me wrong; my friends are just that (friends) and great ones too, but they’re a constant reminder that I’m not good enough to be married or I would already be, wouldn’t I?

So, being the social recluse that I am, I eventually get so lonely and bored with myself that I start not to care about all those things that make me have such low self confidence and I live the life of a hermit. I start to peek out of my shell and look around, go places, meet people, mingle! Man just saying the word nauseates me. I then meet someone who I have a smidgen of interest in, go out on a date and usually get hurt. Usually it’s me who’s getting rejected. Rare is the case that I’m the one rejecting. So I get hurt and go back to playing spinster once again.

And I suppose this cycle will continue until comes the day I get so tired of being lonely and desperate that I go out much more often until I finally win this crapshoot and hook up with someone just as lonely and desperate but by this time both hers and my defenses are so worn down, we don’t care anymore. So then I guess I have the future of being married to a stranger to look forward to.

When I die, I have SOO many questions for God. This is such a strange life with so many inconsistencies and so many opportunities for hurt and disappointment. God I hope I get the answers to my questions before I die. I think then my life will have meant something.