Problems in a Marriage

There I’ve written that what make a marriage healthy is love, friendship, communication, understanding, and trust.

Love is never the source of problems, as it is a pure adhesive that helps bond two individuals together.

It is primarily the lack of love and the misunderstanding of the marriage contract that causes problems.

There are also some problems in a marriage that are not dependent on the status of love in the relationship.

They are the problems of incompatibility, poor communication, behavioral and sexual problems, the financial state, and others.

However, most problems in a marriage arise due to problems in love, which we may call love problems.

Love Problems in a Marriage

I did not mention ‘misunderstanding each other’ as one of the primary problems because I believe it depends on the love that the partners have for each other in a marriage.

If there is love, there would be understanding between the partners in a marriage.

Many problems arise in a marriage due to lack of love. The spouses experience or get involved in some of these love problems:

Abuse

Violence

Humiliation

Constant fights

Perpetual disagreement

Insensitivity

Intense dislike

Ego clashes

Lack of trust

Lack of respect for each other

Much more can be added to this list.

Lack of love in a marriage also creates a negative environment, and induces negativity in the partners. They then exhibit behaviors that are harmful to a marriage, such as:

Nagging

Abusing, name-calling or insulting

Complaining

Annoying with bad habits

Constantly blaming

Constant fights

Using harsh tones

Criticizing

Threatening

Violence

And so on.

What People Think When They Have Love Problems

Some love problems take place in a marriage when one or both the partners start doubting the other.

They even start comparing each other competitively, or start keeping an account of what each one of them does to keep the marriage intact.

Some people even feel that their partner does not reciprocate or love them like they do.

Some even begin questioning themselves whether they have anything in common with their partner that justifies their being together.

You may also realize that you cannot talk about some topics with your spouse because both of you end up having arguments or fights.

You begin to feel that the other person does not understand you as an ideal partner should.

You also think that arguments and fights are bad for your relationship and you try to avoid them. Later with time, the list of such disagreeable topic grows to the extent that you both can’t talk to each other.

Such thoughts and problems distance you and your partner. You become detached and start feeling miserable in the marriage.

And, since you both do not feel connected, your sex life suffers. That’s the last blow to an already devastated relationship.

20 Practical Solutions to Love Problems

Once you identify, accept, and understand the love problems that risk your marriage, you can look for solutions or ways to resolve them.

These are no fit-for-all solutions. Different individuals with different experiences and cases would have their own set of solutions.

Here are some common and general practical solutions that help you restore the love between you and your spouse, and thus eradicate the love problems.

1. Your communication with one another should start from the moment you wake up. Tell your spouse that you like him or her and express your love by using any medium.

2. Do some random acts of kindness, or love and surprise your spouse. Taking your spouse off surprise creates a good feeling, which makes you feel connected.

3. Take your spouse out to a park, restaurant, or any public place you like where you can sit and talk about your issues, disagreements or woes. Since it is a public place, you’ll be embarrassed to shout and scream at your spouse.

4. Make it a rule not to criticize or blame each other. Never use any words that your spouse finds offending.

5. Don’t use phrases or sentences implying that your spouse always does what you don’t like, and never does anything that you like.

6. Give each other respect and time to speak. Don’t interrupt your spouse while he or she is talking; keep your reactions to yourself, and later express your views.

7. Listen to your spouse attentively, even if you disagree. Don’t do any other activity while listening. Be responsive through positive body language.

8. When you agree on certain things, express it. That sends a message that you’re willing to work on the problem together and resolve it.

9. Plan to spend time together in advance so you’re alone together at home, and address your sexual needs. This can act as a change maker, and reduce the tensions and hostility between you and your spouse.

10. Help each other out – it could be cooking in the kitchen, cleaning the house, working on the computer, cleaning the car, or anything that you think your spouse needs help in and will like.

11. Show concern for each other and ask for small things they require. Take pains and make efforts to make your spouse feel comfortable. Even picking up things, or switching on or off the lights when your spouse needs it – can be of help.

12. If your spouse is ailing, remember the medicines schedule or the doctor’s appointment. Either remind your spouse or help yourself personally.

16. Try to change yourself and your ways if you feel it is needed, and would change the face of the situation. Even small positive changes will send big positive signals to your spouse.

17. Whenever you feel you’re falling for a conflict, take a deep breath and move out of the situation till things settle down. Keep yourself busy, or note down everything being said and think of how to resolve those issues.

18. Hold your urge to give immediate reactions. Such reactions often watershed all the efforts you make. Think and speak, and be careful not to hurt the sentiments of your spouse.

19. Gain trust of your spouse by being honest, truthful, faithful, and by keeping your promises.

20. Have fun and humor in life. The lighter moments of life, which consist of jokes and laughter will reduce your stress and bring love to the fore front.

These solutions to your love problems will clear all the cobwebs and envelope you and your spouse in love that will remove all negativity in you. It will also help you get rid of bad habits and behavior that hurt the love in a marriage.

You and your spouse will find the solutions to the love problems in marriage only by working together with the best of intentions. It has to be a two-way approach.

If you believe in God, pray together. Care for each other and share your love with each other. Remember, that the love problem you’re facing is only due to the lack of love in life. Do anything to fill your life with love.

Let go of the past, and learn to forget and forgive. Start anew NOW! It’s never too late.

Of course, if you think that things are going out of hand and nothing that you do works, then don’t hesitate to take help from your counseling therapists.

As I said earlier, every problem has a solution. Have the belief that even the worst of conflicts and disagreements can be resolved.

I agree that sometime it is better to walk out of the relationship, but it depends on many factors, complications, lack of interest, and the will and efforts of one or both partners involved.

Go out for a date, or spend time together being at home helping and loving each other.

Ah, how can I forget this – February 10, 2013 is the “World Marriage Day.” So, happy marriage day all of you married lots.

Go celebrate your togetherness and oneness, making your bond more scared and filled with love!

Over to you –

Do you think love problems in a marriage can be resolved? Have you ever yourself or seen anybody else face love problems in life? What more solutions would you suggest to tackle and settle the love problems in a marriage?

About Harleena Singh

Harleena Singh is a positive thinker and a freelance writer. She loves to write inspiring and thought provoking posts on self-improvement, family, relationships, health, and other aspects of life. She's not another personal development guru, but just an average person with great life experiences. She's also a blogger, who loves to share her blogging knowledge and experiences. Network with her on Twitter, Facebook, and Google+..

Posted:February 8, 2013

31 Comments

I just thought should I comment here or not ’cause I’m not that knowledgeable to talk about marriage yet

Yesterday I had to deal with some problems of a friend and few relatives. I’ve seen though the real ’cause is there, two of ‘em pointing finger at each other and recalling nasty past incidents. I was amazed, oh my gosh, how they lived 30 years together They weren’t together at all but just pretended.

Well, I can’t advice them what to do there as I’m still a small boy to talk about it all but I just whispered ‘em both how I feel about ‘em. Hope they got it and sometimes people just worry about how the world defines them as a married couple, instead of how they live together.

If I’m old enough to ask them to come here and read this piece, I’d do Harleena You know in our culture, adults don’t listen to youngsters much.

If we ’cause the problems in our lives, I think we can solve it too The thing is solving is quite harder. Need patience + understanding and that’s what most people lack.

I’d read other comments for sure I hope many ideas will come through which might helpful for me in future

I’m glad you commented because I knew this would be an off topic post for you. But I see that you’re quite sensible to understand how a marriage relation-ship should be steered to really lead a happy life instead of pretending in front of others.

Mayura, you may find plenty of married couples who’re living together for decades but still either do not understand each other or have love problems in life. You need to follow some simple basics for a marriage to work and be successful. I’m sure you’ve spotted them out and marked them for reference in future.

Long time ago I read this quote – Growing older is no guarantee of growing up. And I’ve seen this holds true. So maybe you’re wiser in these matters than the older folk you meet.

Definitely, if we create problems, we can solve them too. Solving the problem becomes a bit easier if we accept the problem. Many a times it’s difficult for us to accept that we can do any wrong or create a problem. And, we our ego doesn’t let us resolve the problem, fearing acceptance would hurt the ego. So, as you mention, understanding and patience are the tools that help us solve the love problems.

It’s interesting though that I was recently involved in some counselling with an ex-work friend. He is in a very toxic relationship where the partner simply wants no part of love, in their marriage. She refuses to seek any outside help, refuses him any sexually outlet, very demanding, rules him like a dog and their relationship is going …. nowhere.

During my sessions with him, I think I touched on just about every one of your points

Sadly, my advice to him is to leave or he’ll end up destroyed from the inside. A sad suggestion but some people just won’t allow themselves to see truth.

A loveless marriage definitely has more chances to fail than a relationship built and filled with love. Without love, a marriage simply becomes a legal contract of compromise – a body without soul. The way one perceives or carries out his or her part in a marriage also depends on own past experiences. We mostly imbibe our notions of love and marriage from our parents and peers very early on, and they remain in the subconscious to spring out later. However, people do learn and change for better.

A demanding and authoritative partner needs a submissive partner. All goes on well until when the submissive partner tries to have his or her own standing and freedom. Mostly, people commit this mistake very early on in their marriage while accepting the submissive roles, only later to find themselves suffocated and unable to change the mindset of their partner.

In such cases, I think there could not be many choices other than what you suggested to your ex-work friend. The only other way is to completely remove or lower one’s ego – you’ll never get hurt then. But this solution is more spiritual in nature and doesn’t work in normal life, for many.

Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experiences that really contribute to the post.

Yeah, I get what you mean by the ego part, Harleena. That’s more Buddhist teachings and somewhat challenging to put into place when the partnership has/is fallen apart due to a total lack of respect, understanding and willingness for it to succeed.

I hope it did contribute a little bit to the conversation I love it when you visit my blog and stick in your $0.02c worth. Gives other insights.

That’s right. It’s difficult to live in a hostile and indifferent environment and ignore it too. Marriage is after all a double’s sport, you can’t play it alone, right?

I’m glad you like my contribution. I understand blogging as sharing of personal thoughts and views, and I take it seriously. My intention is to help anybody in anyway, which you also did by contributing to this discussion. Thank you for your insights, Martin.

You’re right; communication is the backbone of any relationship. Lack of it will break or crack the relationship. But here in the article I talk specifically about the love problem, which is among the many other problem factors that affect a marriage.

You’ve really nailed it down with this one, Harleena. Anyone having being in a bad marriage, like I have, can recognize all the symptoms that you are mentioning here.

As you mentioned in this post, to me marriage needs to have two important components in order to work, and it’s love and communication.

If one of them or both are missing, it’s be very, very difficult to make marriage work.I think that by nature, communication is tougher on men than it is on women, because men tend to keep things into themselves much more than women.

I think that it’s us women who can help those guys to open up more and thus, facilitate the communication in the marriage.

I’m glad you like the post. Yes, I’m sure those who’ve been in a bad marriage would be able to relate to this post. Then it becomes more relevant to those who aren’t yet married or are still in early phase of this special relationship, isn’t it?

I totally agree with you that love and communication do keep the marriage fresh, positive, healthy, active, and alive!

Don’t ask me how men are with regards to communication in a marriage – your description of them fits my husband well. Though I’m glad he knows when to use this tool so there’s no lack of it.

And why not, women are supposed to be better communicators and I definitely do the part you speak about. Though I wouldn’t say all men don’t score much on communication in a marriage – so don’t feel bad when you read this comment, men!

At times the misunderstanding in the relationship can be because of the third person who is a part of the family and these people cannot be avoided or cannot be moved out of the house either and here in the culture we live in this is a point of discussion in most of the families if not in all the families.

The pragmatic approach which we have adopted as a set of protocol and which over the years have grown stronger is Listening to those people but not paying attention to them and the byproduct has been that whenever my husband has any issues with any of my family members, I listen to his words and keep my anger in control and vice versa but most of the times he has to prove that he has good listening skills. Because of the work pressure and because of my jabbing he has surely become a good listener.

I wanted to wish you Happy marriage day therefore delayed the comment so “Happy marriage day” to you.

I’m glad you like the post. I agree that there could be many external factors that can create misunderstandings in a relationship and it can also be due to some other person whether known or not, family or friend. It is all the more frustrating when you have no control over these factors, and you even can’t avoid them. So, the only option left is to face them, with a strategy.

I’m sure you’re doing just that and it’s working for you. There are many ways to attend to and resolve issues, but there’s no denying that listening is a great art and skill that helps in all fronts of life. Of course, sometimes that can even test your level of patience, but in the end it pays off.

Thanks for highlighting issues in marriage other than love problems, but yes, if you do not tackle these, they can then cause love problems in your marriage.

Wish you too a happy marriage day – a day which very much needs to be promoted and publicized in today’s world.

Nicely explained article. I think to solve any thing we should know the root cause of it. I liked the way you presented the article staring from causes, causes that are common in many relationships problems and then you gave the points on how to solve problems.Great!

I think in many relationship there are some very common problems like communication gap, trust problem, Not giving time to each other….I think the best solution is problem solving at mutual communication between the partners.

You mentioned it in your article that couple should sit some place where the can comfortably talk about their problems in life.True, that is a great solution.

Some time i believe a counselor or psychiatrist can help alot ,it is required when a couple have tried all things to solve but not getting solution .In this place a counselor or psychiatrist can play a great role.

You’re right; you can only solve a problem if you accept that there is a problem. Then the next step is to identify and define the problem. Once that is done then you know what to look for to solve the problem. Also, sometimes the problem has many layers or at times you misunderstand the symptoms to be the problem. So, as you rightly said, we need to get to and know the root cause of the problem.

You’ve very correctly diagnosed the common problems in a relationship. I’m also of the view that there’s no harm if you seek the help of a counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist to solve the love problems if required.

Communication is key in every marriage. Sadly many of us come to marriage not know how to communicate effectively. At times, we revert to the communication patterns our parents used – which are not effective.I love the points you’ve made, Harleena. Happy Marriage Day to you. ♥

You’re right. Communication is on of the key elements of a good marriage. And definitely what we observe and learn in our childhood remains in our subconscious which influences us greatly later when we grow up.

However, this post concentrated on love problems and the lack of love. I’ve seen families who do communicate but still do not love each other to the core. And such couples are bound to have some or the other problems in their marriage.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and a belated happy marriage day to you too.

Very rightly said – marriage is defined by the way you handle the problems. But first, there will always be problems in a marriage. There are hundreds of reasons for that, small or big. However, your reaction and action to these problems define how your marriage will be.

I’ve learned a lot from watching the marriages in my family. Some have fallen apart, while others were dissolved due to death. Either way, the marriages were and were not great role models for me.

I think ‘love problems’ happen in a marriage because a couple grows apart. Perhaps, one spouse is shifting and changing their life, and the other spouse isn’t on board with it. Maybe when you got married, you attracted a partner who was your match at the time. Maybe you didn’t see the ‘red flags’ because you were too blinded by love or the need to escape your situation. The latter is no reason to get married.

I think if you deeply love someone, you’ll find a way to resolve your marital issues. If not, it may be time to say goodbye to the relationship. It’s a good idea to learn your life lessons and move forward. Please note: if you don’t learn your lessons from your first marriage, you’ll repeat the same pattern in your second, third, fourth, etc. marriages.

My advice to anyone who’s experiencing love problems in their marriage would be to spend time apart so you can figure out what you want. You can also meditate on it and go to couples counseling.

Something like this happens all the time. Misunderstanding is one of the biggest culprits. Many of the times, its about money as well. I could be wrong but a after a while love begins to fade away and more dependency and getting used to comes in. Who knows. But misunderstand is one of those things that can happen with anyone and if this happens with whom you are married to then all sorts of issues can creep in. Constant communication is going to be the key in this type of situation. I really like the practical solutions to the love problems, makes a lot of sense.

Harleena you covered about everything here. Great post. To me this is the most important, “There I’ve written that what make a marriage healthy is love, friendship, communication, understanding, and trust.” Without any of these a marriage will not last.

One that comes back to me is marrying for the wrong reasons. For myself when I got married the first time having a father that drank I was always thinking that I could help someone. Found a man that I thought I could fix. I felt sorry for him, because he never really got any love from his parents.

If i loved him enough he would learn to love back. You can not fix someone, so never marry someone you think you can fix. A person is who they want to be. I learned the hard way, so if someone finds themselves in a bad marriage and it ends in divorce, before marrying another person, work on yourself and understand why you made the mistake that you made. Once you understand this you can have love again, but it is going to be for the right reasons.

This one jumped out at me – “Do some random acts of kindness…” I’ve been married for awhile now and I notice and I’m sure most do, that when we surprise our spouse with some unexpected gesture of kindness or bring him home a special treat, it can help to keep the good thoughts flowing. It is easy to get into a rut, especially when you are busy, but taking a moment to think about our spouse and what will make them happy, can go a long way. Thanks for sharing the love this week!

The longer one is married the more chances to encounter problems. Some are easy to resolve others can fester into parting ways and definitely there are times it should be that way.

Marriage is not easy and anyone that thinks that is not married or is newly wed!

I have found that never yelling no matter how angry you are works. It is scary and demeaning. Never grew up with parents that yelled so it was not hard to follow the rule. But a spouse will do things some times that will make you question why you ever got married. When they do things that cause a great deal of grief it can be a time you want to walk away. But I have found when you stop and think about what you enjoyed together and what you both have in common, it all begins to make sense. You could be alone or who else would put up with your stupid moods or like the same things you do, or be there when you need help? When times are not so great, just remembering the good times helps. Always knowing that even the bad times will pass, if you really should be together.

I really enjoyed the article. I was shocked to find out I had made a few mistakes, which I will now endeavor to correct.

But one thing surprised me. You didn’t mention two of the biggest problems with marriage. Those are Sexual Incompatibility and worse yet, Lack of Sexual Desire by one of the members. I have seen a tremendous number of marriages break up over this issue.

One of the main parts is the woman looses her sexual desires, her libido flat line and the male is still ready to perform on a moments notice. A lot of the jokes about a man thinking with the wrong head are very true.

I have also seen this happen the other way, the woman still has a strong libido, but the man for any number of reasons, from medical to physical, is no longer able to perform. She, or He, starts to wander looking for a little companionship. Some times no love is lost and the couple stays together, but more often the one who no longer has the desire or ability to perform loses the mental bond and there is a messy divorce.

A case of He/She cheated on me, when the one being cheated on could not, or would not, take care of their partners needs is a sad thing, indeed.

Now you know I’m not an expert in this area although I have been married. I love the solutions you give and I agree that communication should be #1 and start from the moment you get out of bed. I’m a huge communicator but it’s a shame that most men just aren’t and don’t care to be either. That can be so disheartening for those women who truly want to make their marriage work.

One of the things I included in my free report was an example of why I continue to this day to tell my readers that I appreciate them. If you quit telling your spouse that you love them just because they should automatically know, how do you think that will eventually make them feel?

Why do people stop acting like they love that person after they get married and have even been with them years down the road. That doesn’t mean you stop treating them the way you did in the beginning. I mean my goodness, if you feel it’s too much trouble then why are you married.

Oh, I could go on and on but you did a fabulous job of sharing with people who they can keep the love alive. If you continue to praise that person, it will eventually set in. If not, move on.

What a comprehensive list – I can’t really think of anything to add. At the end of the day, it’s all about communication, sensitivity and understanding – also recognising that your partner is a real human being with flaws, not the idealised angel you thought when you first fell in love and saw them through those romance-tinted spectacles.

As you say, listening is so important – and really ‘hearing’ what your partner is saying, which might be difficult if it’s something you perhaps don’t want to hear! Also there may be times when you just need to give your loved one time and space.

You’ve provided a ton of practical, wise advice here that any couple going through a difficult patch would be well advised to heed, Harleena – good stuff!

Harleena, nice post on marriage, especially since nearly half end in divorce. I think communication and taking one for granted are the 2 biggiest that start a couple on a rocky road that is hard to come back from. #18 is a really good way to try to change the way in which one reacts to the other.

Great views and ideas to solve love problems. These solutions will be really helpful for people suffering from bad relation and people like us who have friends suffering with the same problem, so that we can save their heart from breaking.

You have covered all the possible points here. We think that Communication, Understanding and of course trust are the keys to keep the relation alive. Temper should be controlled sometimes to handle the situation. Respecting partner’s views can really help. We truly appreciate the 20 points you mentioned to save the relation, we must say that they are really applicable to practical life. This post can save many relations or make bad relations better in some ways.