The gift list of flowers, chocolate and diamonds runs through a man's memory like a ceremonial chant when holidays roll around, but do you know where to deliver the roses to? Or if she'll actually like a sentimental gift that isn't made out of gold? Find these answers and more by delving into the female psyche with Esquire's Guide to Things a Man Should Know About Women.

Jan 29, 2007

Women can tell if a man is the kind of man who likes women.

Women like a man who likes women who like to eat.

An unsolicited kiss is to a woman as free playoff tickets are to a man.

Even better: flowers on days that aren't Valentine's Day, anniversaries, or birthdays.

Speaking of flowers, they are most effective when delivered to her workplace.

Going shopping with more than one woman at any given time will consume a minimum of seventeen hours that could have been spent napping.

Contrary to popular belief, an out-of-shape man is just as unappealing to a woman as an out-of-shape woman is to a man.

Women want you to pay for dinner.

It's pointless to argue with her if you're not going to win.

You're not going to win.

A good woman is as excited about a gift that costs nothing as she is about a gift that costs a lot.

Women have to pay more for their haircuts, dry cleaning, and shoes, and this upsets them.

Women have to buy new outfits every season, and this makes them happy.

Should you hit it off with a woman, perhaps think you are soul mates, and fall into bed in an unclothed, heavy-breathing, romance-novel tangle, and, in the heat of it all, she moans, "Daddy," do not even attempt to put your pants on until you are in the car.

The idea of love at first sight, though attractive to women in theory, terrifies them in practice.

The quirky perfect gift that shows you've been listening is worth twice the value of anything you can find at Tiffany's.

Of course, it doesn't hurt if the quirky perfect gift happens to be from Tiffany's.

Gifts that may be quirky but never perfect: a blender, a beater, a vacuum cleaner, or a waffle iron.

While yes sometimes means no, no always means no, as does her ordering the garlicky pesto sauce, twirling her hair around her finger while gazing absently into space, and getting up from the table to go to the ladies' room and never returning.

Third-date don'ts: See first- and second-date don'ts, plus don't start talking about how you never want to have children or, for that matter, how you want to have children immediately.

Women, much like men, are human, and thus appreciate it when you ask them questions about themselves.

Most women do not like ice fishing, golf, bowling, or poker, which is why every man must take up at least one of these hobbies, because, while uninteresting, they allow for the woman-free consumption of liquor and the unfettered discussion of, you know, women.

Those few women who do like ice fishing, golf, bowling, or poker are the reason God invented the Elks club.

Never ask a woman why she's mad at you, as she will only get madder at your not knowing.

One follow-up to an unreturned phone call is acceptable; two is stalking.

If you're single, the tango will do the trick. If you're married, the tango will also do the trick. Possibly even with your wife.

Women do not desire to be introduced to a new brand of perfume.

Women do not wish to be trifled with should they, on occasion, order dessert.

Less than .05 percent of the male population is attractive enough to ignore chivalry, and most women over the age of twenty-five prefer to admire such men from a distance.

Don't kiss and tell, even if you're really proud of yourself.

Love does not mean never having to say you're sorry. It means having to say you're sorry over and over again, in new and different ways, every day, every week, every month, even when you don't want to, every year, until God grants you his mercy and you finally, blissfully die.

Showering a woman with gifts after the first date is the romantic equivalent of a comb-over.

Women who come from big families are more fun.

Women who have two or more brothers are less likely to be disgusted by you.

Women, despite all your years of trying to understand them, including your intimate familiarity with Freudian psychology, the occasional intelligence-gathering glance at Cosmo, and the memorization of these seventy-three things a man should know about them, will always remain a mystery.

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