Beginnings to me have always held a special importance. The blank page or untried experience holds a certain magic. Purity. The promise of what lies ahead …. unknown. Then again starting over is not always something that is easy either. I find myself holding on to what I had because I am afraid of what I have to let go of in order to start over. Fear of the unknown can keep you from ever beginning again.

Lately I am discovering that even though relationships that held so much promise have ended, I now have new growth of who I am and what I want. That it was time for certain things to end, so that I could be ready for what is yet to come. I find myself so often asking God to please reveal to me what he has planned for me. I have had to become comfortable in just being present and embrace today. That I have to no longer bang on the door that He has closed, so that I could walk through the new doors that He is opening. That I just have to have faith in His promises and trust in His timing. Believe me, that is not easy for me at all.

In learning to begin again, I have become more open to just LOVE. To not expect to be loved in the way that I think I should be loved, but to just let love be free and untrammeled. To each day choose to see that open slate that is full of possibilities. Sure there are days when something has ended that I look back with regret and disappointment, but then I get excited at what is yet to come! YOU JUST HAVE TO BEGIN AGAIN!!!

Recently I went to the beach. Having not been all year I could not wait to put my feet in the sand and just feel the gentle breeze and hear the sound of the waves. It just speaks to my soul. I love the absolute serenity that comes with just being in nature. It gives me a chance to turn down some of the clutter in my head and just let God speak truth to me. I am always amazed at the grace that God is willing to give no matter what the circumstances.

While sitting on the beach I reflected back on some of my recent dating experiences. I have to say that I was never a huge fan of dating in my twenties and certainly find it interesting in my fifties. I have discovered that the rules haven’t really changed much and some of the men are still like boys that are in their twenties. It has been fun and interesting to meet new people and to get to know them. It just shows me more and more that we all have had our joys and disappointments in life and they have made us to where we are today. I have learned that I had to put myself in a healthy place so that I was not bringing any unnecessary emotional garbage to the relationship. That it was absolutely necessary to own my own emotions and not try to blame or change anyone if I did not like what they were doing.

Most of all what I have learned so far in dating is the word GRACE. The ability to have enough grace to embrace who they are. Most of all to not judge. You can try to observe or guess what someone is thinking or feeling, but unless they tell you themselves, you are basically guessing or judging. It takes grace to not go to that place. One lesson that I have had to learn and seems to be necessary is to have the grace to let them not be a part of your life anymore. They have their reasons and most of the time you will never know what that reason is. It sure is a disappointment at the time and I have had to accept that sometimes it just is what it is. It has absolutely nothing to do with you and you have to know YOUR truth! Your truth that you are being the best you can be. That everyone is a season that can be quite brief or last a lifetime. I am so thankful for each experience and hope that I handled each one with as much grace as possible.

I think another walk on the beach feels good about now. It does feel good to know that God will continue to pour his grace all over me because he loves me that much. He loves you that much too!

Lately I have come to understand more that everyday we have a choice to make. Choices on which my happiness largely depends, involve judgments about the people I encounter as I travel through life. Whom can I trust? Who will bring out the best in me? Who will betray me? Who will save me from myself? These judgments are important in direct proportion to the closeness of the relationship. If I am deceived by a salesperson, I have lost only money. If I give my heart to someone unworthy of the gift, I lose more than I can afford.

I realized that my journey over the last two years has had me look really hard at the choices I have made. Because of my own fear and grief, I chose to have men in my life, and even clients in my profession, that were not supportive of me. I only want to look at the good that is in people. I also realized that I search and search for just a grain of good, so that I do not have to look at the whole person. I did not realize how much it was hurting me to let that person keep taking and me just giving and giving. I knew that in order for me to be a happy and loving woman, I had to heal me. That I had to fully look at who I was and say “NO” to being the only person that was doing all the giving and keeping the relationship going. It had to be reciprocated. It had to be two people who truly wanted to be together. Sometimes you just get so caught up in the idea of romance you do not look at the character of the person you are trying to have a relationship with. Thank goodness I have so many friends that love me enough to speak truth about what they are observing, but most of all I had to listen to what they were saying and realize they were right. The hardest step is doing something about it. Also I knew that God was showing me the red flags, but I just did not want to see them. I think God is willing to let us go down a path with someone so that we can have that experience and learn from it. I have to thank God for getting me back on the path that I am supposed to be on.

What I realized is that sometimes things have to go wrong before they can go right. Sometimes we have to let the wrong people walk out before we allow the right people to walk in. Sometimes we have to feel weak in order to know what it’s like to feel strong. Sometimes you have to be broken to realize you’ll never be shattered.

What I found was that letting go takes love. Love of the person that you are trying to have a relationship with to accept them fully for who they are. To be willing to realize that they have their own struggles and limitations that are keeping them from loving you. When you let them go does not mean you stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else. To let go is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization I can’t control another. To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself. To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive. To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies. To let go is not to deny, but to accept. But most of all to let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

When I let go and made good choices I allowed an abundance of love to come into my life and to be the true woman that is in the picture above, throwing her arms wide open and is free and happy at all that life has to offer.

For now I choose LOVE, JOY and FREEDOM, opening my heart and allowing WONDERFUL THINGS to flow into my life! How about you? What are you going to choose for YOU?

My husband used to tell me all the time that he had a guardian angel and that it also was taking care of all of us too. I have always believed in angels and now truly feel that he has become one of the angels that is always nearby. The second anniversary of his death is tomorrow and I can’t help but think about our life together and replay the last two years without him. It has been a time of overwhelming grief and times of absolute happiness. There were so many things he taught me about life that I didn’t always let sink in, but now I really get what he had to say. These are a few of the things that I learned from Ed that speak to me today as it did when we were together:

Lesson #1 Life is what you make it. Some stuff just happens, but most of what will happen in your life is because you made it happen (consciously or not). Most things start with an idea. So be imaginative; be positive; and dream big dreams. Whether you know it or not, life conspires to make your dreams come true!

Lesson #2 Tempis fugit. That’s Latin for “time flies.” When you are young, it seems like there’s all the time in the world and sometimes time seems to drag on forever. As you grow older, however, time has a funny way of speeding by and it gets faster all the time. And you can’t get it back! Try to live every day like it may be your last. Do something you enjoy. Make time to be with your friends and family. It goes by all too quickly.

Lesson #3 Do something. (see lesson #1 above). Many people think life “happens” to them and there’s nothing to do about it. Well, that’s just wrong. To make things happen the way you want them to happen requires some effort. Wishful thinking may point you in the right direction, but nothing takes the place of hard work and planning. Set goals for what you want and work toward the goal. It may not happen as soon as you like, but persistence in the end will pay off. Some say that success is 2% inspiration and 98% perspiration. Work hard. Work harder than those around you. You may succeed, where others fail, because you did the extra work. There is a good feeling you get when you’ve given something your best effort. You will also value things that you had to work for much more than those you are given.

Lesson #4 Have confidence in yourself! I know that I am smart, talented and a good person. If you have self-confidence, you will succeed. If you doubt yourself, or expect to fail…see lesson #1 again!

Lesson #5 Trust your heart and your instincts. Know what is right from wrong, good from bad, and a myriad of other things that are mostly contained in these “lessons” .

Lesson #6 It’s okay to fail. It’s okay to make mistakes. Somehow people have the idea that it’s a bad thing to goof up; something to be embarrassed about. Well, I don’t think there’s ever been a person on the planet who did not make mistakes. In fact, some of the best lessons are learned from trying and failing. The key is to not keep making the same mistakes over and over.

Lesson #7 (And this is a corollary to lesson #6) Look down the road and keep your eyes open. Life is like a journey. If you see a pile of stuff in the middle of your road, go around it. Don’t step in it if you can avoid it. Again, it’s okay to make mistakes, but planning and preparation can save you some trouble at times.

Lesson #8 You can’t always get what you want, but you can usually get what you need. (With apologies to the Rolling Stones.) It’s true and you must be careful. Sometimes what you want turns out to be something you really don’t want when you get it, so be careful what you ask for! Learn to distinguish what is important from what is not. Advertisement, and generally trying to keep up with the status quo, drives us to want things. Learning to be happy with less might be better in the long run.

Lesson #9 Things are not always what they seem. Often times people are only concerned with the appearance of things. It could be called “form vs. substance” or “Don’t judge a book by its cover”. Try to look beneath the surface to the “quality” of things. Quality is something hard to define, but you’ll know it when you find it. This applies to people, too. Remember that Satan was the most beautiful Angel, but beneath his looks…pure evil.

Lesson #10 Be ready. Things don’t always happen when you want them to. It can be very frustrating that you can’t always make things happen on schedule, but it’s a fact. It is like the “fishing theory”. If you want to catch fish, you have to be in the boat, on the water, with your hook baited and be ready. You never know when things will happen, but if you’re not ready and in the right place at the right time…poof! Opportunity lost. Another “non-fishing” aspect of this lesson is that things will happen that you totally do not expect. When they do, and if they are things you would like, you have to grab on and go! You might get taken somewhere you never expected. There is a poem that said: “If you will not when you may, then you may not when you will.” That’s an old English way of saying that you have to seize an opportunity when it’s there, because it may not be there when you want it to be.

Lesson #11 Be honest. Be honest with yourself and with others. Truth is not always easy. Truth is not always what we want to hear. In the long run, you’ll sleep better at night. Besides, it’s easier to remember the truth than to remember a lie.

Lesson #12 The “Pig Theory”. There are two parts to the pig theory. Pig theory #1 is that you never try to teach a pig to sing. It only wastes your time and annoys the pig. Pig theory #2 is to never wrestle with a pig. You only get dirty and the pig enjoys it. In fact, if pigs can be avoided altogether, life is better. Of course, in dealing with humanity (especially in a public sense) pigs cannot be avoided altogether. An interesting twist is the “Vampire Theory”. Jerks are like vampires. If you hold up a mirror to them, they can’t see themselves.

Lesson #13 Guard your heart, but not too carefully. No one likes a broken heart, so there may be things you avoid for fear that you will someday be sad. Well, life is sometimes sad. Bad things happen. That is a guarantee. It should not prevent you from living and loving. The depth of your sadness is the opposite of the heights of your joy. So it’s okay to laugh and it’s okay to cry. That is what makes life very sweet.

Lesson #14 Never stop learning. Read books. Travel. Expand your horizons. Try different things. I once read that we are God’s eyes. We are nature looking at itself. So don’t shut off your brain. Keep learning and experiencing new things! Brush your teeth using the opposite hand and do some crossword puzzles. If you don’t exercise your mind, it may grow dull.

Lesson #15 Learning how to say “goodbye” is a necessary life skill.

Some lessons in life are just hard, but I love the amazing strength and courage that comes out of those lessons. I could not have made it through to where I am today without the absolute love, support and guidance from my friends. Recently I read this in a book and then it all made sense.

A warrior of light knows that he has much to be grateful for. He was helped in his struggle by the angels; celestial forces placed each thing in its place, thus allowing him to give of his best. That is why, at sunset, he kneels and gives thanks for the Protective Cloak surrounding him. His companions say: “He’s so lucky!” But he knows that “luck” is knowing to look around him and to see where his friends are, because it was through their words that the angels were able to make themselves heard. –Zahir, Paulo Coelho

I am forever grateful that God has placed angels in my life. I just have to recognize those special moments and be thankful for all the love and life that is all around!

I don’t know what I would do without my friends. They are there at the right time to give me a hug or enrich my life. The best part is that they love me enough to kick my butt sometimes. That they speak absolute truth. Often I can go down a path and my friends will let me go there for awhile and then all of sudden they find a way to get me back on track to where I really need to be. Their encouraging words and compassion just speaks volumes to my soul.

The friendship that is just so sweet is the one you can develop and cherish with someone who truly wants to share their life with you. That is so willing to open their heart and just let you in. Most of all that you get to laugh and just enjoy life together. You are willing to let them be whoever they are and they know that life with you is all they want. It is a friendship that is based on trust and love for each other. I think the part that I love the most is that smile you give them from across the room that only they understand. I don’t kid myself that it takes a great deal of work to get to that place where you feel that comfortable with someone. It is just so sweet when you just wake up one day and realize how much that friendship makes you a better person. That you could get through anything as long as you never let the friendship fade.

My heart will remain open to friendship and who knows how much sweeter life will get. You are LOVED!!

Recently I went to a conference where one man spoke of developing an infection and waking up four months later in a hospital room paralyzed from the neck down. He had developed an infection on his spine. The doctors told him that 99% of the people do not ever regain the ability to walk again. Another man spoke of being in an automobile accident and his car burst into flames. He has severe scars over a large part of his body. They did not think he would live nor be able to recover enough to live a functioning life. I listened to these men talk of the painful rehab and determination that they were going to walk again. They would not take no for an answer. They had a life to live and family and friends to love. They overcame all of the odds against them. It got me to thinking that even though my situation is not nearly to the magnitude of these men, I did know what it felt like to be faced with a life altering event that can leave you paralyzed emotionally and affect you physically. You have to make a decision as to whether you can make that first step to recovery. It requires digging deep within you to work through the pain so that you can take the next step to a healthy loving life. It also means that you are going to have set backs, but you just have to learn from each of those experiences and not beat yourself up that progress is not being made.

I knew within me that LOVE was absolutely the answer. That every step I wanted to take would have to be in absolute love. That if I walked in the direction of the desires of my heart I was going to create a path to be the woman I wanted to be. I do know that I do not want to make this journey alone. I just feel that when you have this much love you want to have a partner to share it with.

God made us to have relationships. I will have to say that to start a relationship with someone is quite exciting and scary at the same time. For me, I love the part of meeting new people and learning about their life and experiences. You have to be open to the possibilities that this friendship could be quite brief or last a lifetime. I do see the struggle with taking the first step toward investing your heart into a relationship with someone that you don’t know whether he is going to love you back or decide to not pursue the relationship any further. Not everyone is willing to walk the path of letting go and just seeing where love will take them. It is a shame that our hearts are so guarded. I have faith that God knows the desires of my heart and He is preparing me and the man that I am supposed to share my life with. That for now, I am going to take each step along the path of love, friendship, and happiness and enjoy the journey!

Recently I have been thinking about my relationships. We have so many different types of relationships in our lives. The special ones you have with your children, your parents, your friends and then there is always that really special relationship you have with someone to share your life with. It is amazing the expectations you can put on someone to fulfill your life with your own idea of what your happiness is. You then have the other person establishing their own set of expectations of what they need from you too. It seems that we all have our own idea of how we think we should be loved. That can either ruin a relationship or enrich it. What if we just allowed love to just manifest itself and let it be free and untrammeled.

Lately I have felt that God was telling me over and over that He wants me to “just love”. To love without even getting a reply. To just let love flow out like a river and let it go wherever it wants to go. I try to not question God when I clearly hear something, but I wondered how this could be possible for me to do. What I knew was that God had been doing a mighty work inside me to allow love to coming pouring out. He showed me that I could let go of expectations of other people and really allow them to just be who they are. To love them, and most of all to be so happy that they have blessed my life and the other people around them. I have watched many a person’s whole body language and thought process change when you allowed that space of no criticism, no judgement, no expectation and just gave them love, grace and peace in that moment. To see them and love them in the way that God does. Sure there are times when self just gets in the way. You want them to please you, give you love back, and make you feel good. It is hard to not go to that place. I do think that God puts the right people in our lives so that we do get the love we need.

I have complete faith that God knows the desires of our heart. He wants to fill each and every one of us with His love, so that we can go out and … Let Love Flow …. through us to others.

Can you count how many times your heart has been broken? I am not sure I can. My mother told me growing up that I had a tender heart and wore my feelings on my sleeve. Not sure what she meant at the time, I did learn over time that I was always willing to show people how I felt and that meant there were times I was going to be rejected. The other person was not going to feel the same way. Thank goodness with age I learned how to guard my heart, but always made sure that I still stayed true to who I was. As I have talked about before my husband of 26 years died of cancer a couple of years ago and my heart was broken. For some time I could not figure out what to do with the gaping wound that at times just literally hurt. There were days when I would just cry out to God to either heal me or kill me because this hurts too much. I knew that God was right there weeping with me and holding me as close as possible.

What I learned is that God loved me enough to heal my broken heart. He started off by showing me that I had love all around and he brought friends and family to be there and speak truth to me. He then started showing and revealing to me who this woman was on the inside. Then He brought me time to heal. Time to love. Time to smile again. Most of all, over time I could feel that gaping wound getting smaller and smaller. It was not always an easy journey and I did often allow loneliness and insecurities to cause me to go off in the wrong direction. Then God kept showing me what was a healthy relationship and where I needed to go to stay on the path of healing.

What I learned most of all during that time was that in order to truly mend my broken heart I had to LET GO of a number of things. That I could not hold on any longer to the past. That I had to be willing to let go of the life I had planned, so I could have the life that was waiting for me. That even though my personal history was rich and full of love, God has so much more that he wants to give me. He just needed me to see that I was a woman that has an amazing capacity to love. That my heart has a new song now. My heart is full, happy and looking forward to what all this life has to offer. I am going to enjoy the journey. I am sure it will be sweet!

I heard once that when a sense of dissatisfaction persists, that means it was placed there by God for one reason only: you need to change everything and move forward. Recently I reflected on how throughout my life there were moments of transition. Sometimes those transitions were quite exciting. The transition from being a teenager to becoming an adult. The transition of single life to being married and sharing your life with someone. The best transition for me was becoming a parent and watching my children go through their own transitions. Then I was faced with the transition of not having them live at home anymore and them being on their own. My new transition is paving a path for my life without a partner anymore.

That required me changing my way of thinking and make some changes within me. Along the way I have felt that a new reality requires a new mentality! That I could not look back anymore. That God was renewing my mind to move me into a new reality. What I had to focus on was that God was taking me to a new place that was filled with new grace and plenty of love.

Then I had to decide that this transition was going to require transformation. That it was going to require me to let go of the past so that I could take a hold of my future. To allow myself to have absolute faith in where God wanted me to go. Most of all I had to make the decision once and for all to say I am not going back! I have come too far to go back. Transitions are not always easy, but I know more than ever that I am going to trust God and KEEP MOVING FORWARD!

Recently I had someone say something to me that I thought at first “that is not true”. Then later I found myself thinking maybe it is true. Was I being objective enough? Did I really not know myself well enough to know if it was true or not? Did I value someone’s opinion of me? I know my whole life that it is in my personality to have others approval. It is something that has taken all of my adult life to work through. It used to be driven by insecurity and fears. Then I realized that everyone is always going to have an opinion about you. It draws attention away from their own fears and emotional issues. There are times when people are hurting and they think that hurting you is going to make them feel better. Sure there are times when we do need to give merit to constructive criticism. As I walked closer in my relationship with God, I learned and embraced that He knows every hair on my head and he made me into the image he wanted me to be. He loves that much! He made me to be tender-hearted and to be someone that would grow and learn to be this woman He created. He has been pruning all of the things that no longer serve me and how to love everything on the inside and out.

The enemy also knows me very well. He knows my fears, anxieties, insecurities, and how to press every single button so that I will not focus on TRUTH. The truth is inside you and it takes tremendous courage to say “NO, I will not listen to lies” and allow only truth to emerge through every part of you. That truth will give you what your heart desires and that is to love and be loved back.

What I have learned is that I will continue to seek the truth and continue to respond in kindness and love. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13) Be kind to yourself and let the love within be what everyone sees is Your Truth About YOU!!!