Dean Frederick Whitcomb: Alright, ladies and gentlemen, students and faculty! We’ve got an exciting show! Back with us is our defending champion, she’s a Junior and a major in Victimization Studies. Say hello to Ariel Helpern-Strauss!

[ lights bounce across the board squares, until Ariel presses her buzzer and stops the light on one of the squares ]

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: “She Led Me On”! [ reading card ] “It is the last day of school, a female student asks a male student to help her move her futon-” [ Ariel buzzes ] Helpern-Strauss?

Ariel Helpern-Strauss: Date Rape!

[ sound effect dings for a correct answer ]

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: Well! [ laughs ] I didn’t even finish the question.. but it is Date Rape! Okay, for those of you not familiar with the rules to our game, it’s quite simple. Antioch College defines date rape as: any sexual contact or conduct between two or more persons, in which consent of such contact, which includes: the touching of thighs, genitals, buttocks, or the breast/chest area is not expressly obtained in a verbal manner. If the level of sexual intimacy increases during an interaction: ie. if two people move from kissing while fully clothed to undressing for direct physical contact, and the people involved do not express their clear verbal consent before moving to that level, that too is.. date rape.”

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: Ohhhh.. sorry! Mark, what do you say? Is it date rape?

Mark Strobel: Uhhh.. oh, man! [ beats himself up ] Uhhh.. Date Rape?

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: Ohhhh.. sorry! We were looking for “It is not date rape..” Not Date Rape.

Mark Strobel: [ pounds his podium ] Oh! Man! I KNEW IT!!

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: Alright.. let’s meet our contestants. Mark Strobel, you have been charged in three hazing deaths.. with two counts of hate speech, and one instance of sexual harrassment when you referred to the women’s field hockey teams as, “a bunch of lezbos.”

Male Date Rape Player #2: I sure had a nice time at that ragin’ kegger. May I kiss you on the mouth.

Female Date Rape Player #2: Yes. Kissing me on the mouth.. is sometihng I feel.. com-fort-a-ble with. [ they kiss on the mouth ] Mmmm.. that.. was nice!

Male Date Rape Player #2: Would you mind if we had sexual intercourse?

Female Date Rape Player #2: No..

[ Ariel buzzes in ]

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: Helpern-Strauss?

Ariel Helpern-Strauss: Date Rape! No always means no!

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: That’s correct! Good job, Ariel! A bit of a trick question there! [ final game buzzer sounds ] Well.. it looks like the round is over, and, Ariel, you are still our champion! Now, it’s time for our Bonus Round. You know how it works, Mark. You have thirty seconds to win Ariel’s consent. Are you ready, Mark?

Mark Strobel: Okay..

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: Go!

[ timer plays down, as Mark tries to win Ariel’s consent ]

Mark Strobel: I was wondering if, uh.. you’re not busy, uh-

Ariel Helpern-Strauss: No!

Mark Strobel: There’s gonna be a party at the frat house-

Ariel Helpern-Strauss: No!

Mark Strobel: Can I.. kiss you..?

Ariel Helpern-Strauss: No!

Mark Strobel: Can I put my hands on your buttocks..?

Ariel Helpern-Strauss: No!

Mark Strobel: Do you wanna do it, or what..?

Ariel Helpern-Strauss: NO!!

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: Alright! Ariel! Congratulations! You win a trip.. for you and Mark to.. Acapulco!

Ariel Helpern-Strauss: No-oh!

Mark Strobel: Whoooooo!! Yeah! Hah hah hah! Whoo!

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: You will spend two nights in Acapulco, at the Lover’s Hideaway Beach Hotel!