Portland Relationship Counseling: How to Get Out of a Rut

If I didn’t know it already, my Portland relationship counseling clients would have taught me this valuable lesson: the longer you’re in a relationship, the more likely it is that the mundanities of life will start to overwhelm passion and desire. In short, over time most of us in long-term relationships will fall into ruts. In our couples retreat we often hear that the reason for coming is to get out of the rut.

What are ruts? Quite literally, they are the tracks or grooves made by vehicles driving in the dirt. Sometimes, cars can get stuck in these grooves and need help to get out and get moving again rather than just sitting there spinning their wheels. In terms of relationships, it’s when we stop paying attention to each other because more “important” things – bills, kids, jobs, sports teams, TV shows – start taking precedence over romantic evenings and unplanned quickies in the shower.

Sometimes, couples can live for months or even years without realizing that they are in a rut, but once they do, most want to find a way out. That’s when they go looking for marriage help, in the form of coaching sessions or a couples retreat.

The first things to realize about a rut is that it’s normal. Not in the sense that you shouldn’t try to fight your way out of it, but you definitely need to understand that it isn’t you – ruts happen to just about everyone, and we all need a little marriage help from time to time. That being said, here are some tips to dig out of that hole.

Plan. Life tends to get more complicated as we age. You may have kids, pets, or even a job that take up more of your life and just doesn’t let you have those great spontaneous romantic moments anymore. Well, join the club and get out a calendar, because most other adults don’t have that luxury either – and that’s okay. Scheduling can be sexy, too.

Talk. This is important for two reasons. First, you need to make sure that you’re both on the same page and willing to try to make things better. Second, because talking can not only tell you what the problems are, but often provide you with solutions – especially if you talk to each other about desires that aren’t being fulfilled.

Do. Something new. Something bold. Something together. Even if you have to schedule it, trying something as a couple can really bring you together. Attend our couples retreat, The Getting the Love You Want Workshop.

When all else fails, get help. A big part of getting out of your rut is your willingness to get marriage help. Now, that doesn’t necessarily mean you need a professional, but if things aren’t working, Portland relationship counseling is always an option.