Today: The land of misfit (dog) toys.

[tweetmeme source=”elizabethev” only_single=false] Clark’s a bit like a shark smelling blood when it comes to new dog toys. If he senses the slightest weakness in form or construction, he goes in for the kill. His attacks are merciless, swift and proceeded with little– if any– warning. I’ve taken to hiding his tortured toys, waiting for the perfect moment to sneak past him and make a dash for the trash room. Unfortunately, it seems I did more hiding than dashing. In the meantime, Clark has amassed quite the island of misfit toys. Bear in mind, nearly each toy was labeled “indestructible.”

It would seem our French Fry saw that as a challenge. And his bat ears rose to the occasion each time.

And oh, hey look- it's the pillow I made.

I feel like we live at that creepy kid next door's house on Toy Story.

One by one, these poor things met the dumpster today– each one more disturbing than the one before. First went the squeaky toys. As soon as Clark honed in on the squeaker’s location, these toys were as good as busted.

This is the dog toy version of a bladder infection. Get it? Because the squeakers are actually little bladders.... um.

Then came the toys with tails. If we were on LOST, these would be the Tailies of the group. I’m guessing Clark just thought he was following orders, seeing as his own tailed was cropped as a puppy (the tail cropping and tattoo came long before we brought him home). Again, these are pitbull-rated indestructible toys.

We're so cute. Surely he will spare us.

Chomp. What tails?

You’d think for a dog with such large ears, he’d respect a hippo’s right to hear. You’d also be over-thinking the situation.

Now it sort of looks like a guinea pig. Gross.

This sweet little lion isn’t raising his hand because he has a question. He’s just had his innards ripped out through his armpit. The horror!

Yes? May I help you?

Sure. Sure. Unsure. Bahaha. I crack myself up.

I liked that lion. And theeeeeen there’s this thing. Frankly, I was happy when he went after this tennis ball raccoon tail amalgamation. Imagine coming across this freakish thing in a dark corner of your kitchen. If I had a pest control person on speed dial, I would have speed dialed him or her. Once I was done screaming.

Sorry for the nightmares this will likely cause.

I am guessing these guys would scream too. If they had mouths. Maybe this is how the real dinosaurs went extinct: they got mauled by a roving pack of wild French bulldogs. Probably not.

The sock monkey looks particularly gruesome.

Like all the other tear-proof toys in Clark’s bin, this seahorse did not stand a chance. I am sure taking a picture counts as enabling. In other words, this is all my fault.

What a weird little body.

I’ve learned a lot in my first year of dog ownership. Like, it’s extremely hard to look cute while you’re picking up dog crap (pardon me). And fish formulas might be good for your dog, what with the Omega-3s and all, but they smell like decaying barnacles. Also, buying dog toys based on packaging and cuteness alone is a gigantic waste of money. There are very few things Clark Vegas will not destroy– it’s all trial and error, my friends. Unfortunately, one of the few chew “toys” that make the cut these days is a raw bone. They make this vegetarian want to faint, cry and hide in the closet all at the same time.

Raw bones, despite their extreme revoltingness, are quite good for dogs. They’re safer than cooked bones (less chance for choking or splintering), help to clean the woofer’s teeth, and apparently they’re delicious (like, for the dog). And there’s no way to really ruin a bone. Or there is, but that’s sort of the point. He also digs toys made out of seatbelt material, most rubber chews (though they’re not very interesting nor cuddly), and the occasional stick that he somehow manages to sneak into the condo building.

How could you not love a face like that? Clark's pretty cute, too.

But at the end of the day, and after several trips to the trash room carrying armfuls of broken down toys whilst trying to appear not-crazy to the neighbors, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Clark makes our home a little hairier, a lot more interesting, and a heck of a lot more fun.

Also On Tap for Today:

Time to arrange the books on our brand new bookshelves and break out the Christmas decorations (I am freaking out, man!)

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9 thoughts on “Today: The land of misfit (dog) toys.”

My corgi lays on his belly with the same little frog legs…but has a much longer body. Clark is so cute even if he has a destructive nature. Poor dog toys! I bet he’s looking forward to tearing his Christmas presents apart.

I have a year old teddy bear dog (shihtzu and bichon frise mix) that loves to destroy toys. She gets a perverse joy out of it. In fact, recently I gave her a really cute purple elephant. A couple of days ago she brought me an elephant leg. No body attached.

Strangely enough that dismembered leg is now her favourite! 😉

Anywho – like you and despite all the items she’s destroyed – I would never go back to life without her!