Chick-Fil-A Gays Are The Worst Bowl: Duke vs. Texas A&M

Manua Hiki-Hiki: In a turn of events not even the assholes at Duke’s Fuqua (pronounced: Fuck You) School of Business could’ve predicted, Mike Krzyzewski’s some guy’sDuke Blue Devil football team that apparently exists and isn’t just a camp for the basketball team, will be taking on Johnny Football and the Texas A&M Agatha Christies (a.k.a Aggies) in The Chick-Fil-A Intolerance Bowl.

Duke, up until a 45-7 throttling by Florida State in ACC Championship Game, had been on course for one of their best seasons in many years. However, their luck is likely to only get worse in the Honestly I Always Assumed Chick-Fil-A Was Full of Bigots Bowl. With their leading rusher Jela Duncan suspended for “an undisclosed violation of its academic policy,” otherwise known as cheating, Duke will be even further disadvantaged in an already mismatched contest against Texas A&M.

These days, everything seems to have some sort of measurement system. We have heights and weights, salaries and rankings, Klout scores, GPAs, BACs — it seems like everything must be put into numeric terms. Accordingly, we’ve put together a comprehensive review of 2013, scored with our proprietary scoring system. Every significant event of 2013 will be judged on a scale of -5 to +5. A score of -5 means the event made the world a much worse place, and a score of +5 means the event made the world a much better place. Let’s take a look back at 2013 and see where our world lies after the year’s events. Continue reading →

Before we even start to begin analyzing who we should be rooting for in all these matchups, there’s something that’s been bothering me for the past week, and I need to get it off my chest because I’m really worried about it.

MIAMI — According to witnesses at the Pearly Gate, His Almighty was reportedly overheard giggling fervently as the final seconds ticked down on Notre Dame’s crushing 42-14 NCAA BCS Championship defeat.

God, in all his righteous omniscience and everlasting mercy, had a really good chuckle as Nick Saban’s Alabama Crimson Tide rolled easily to their third national championship in four seasons. The loss, which signifies that maybe there truly is a Higher Power watching over us all to benevolently protect His helpless flock from the pompous self-aggrandizement and arrogant delusion that characterize Notre Dame football fans, has sent shockwaves across the theological community.

EVANSTON — During an impromptu sporcle and boxed wine session Friday night in Willard Hall, freshmen Kurt Friedman and Alec Blomquist decided to search for the supposed kegs brought in on Fridays to the Kellogg building for graduate students.

They heard rumors of the kegs from a sophomore in Plex who stated, “There’s probably, like, 6 goddamn kegs up there. Hell, maybe even some drunk grad students there ready to scrump.”

One is a shadowy coalition of aging individuals who wield tremendous power and influence over an American institution, untethered by the popular will of the people or sheer common sense. The other is the BCS. What if the Supreme Court modeled itself after the Bowl Championship Series?

PLAYOFFS!?!? You’re talking about PLAYOFFS???

Skyrocketing CNN Ratings
People will immediately start paying attention to the bedraggled news network after the Court’s BCSification for the first time since, what, O.J. Simpson took a joyride? CNN will probably kick things off with two hours of live broadcasts from the National Mall for SCOTUS GameDay brought to you by the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, a legal entertainment show featuring highlights and predictions about the day’s constitutional adjudication from a renowned cast that includes Wolf Blitzer, Anderson Cooper, Lee Corso, Richard Posner, Paul D. Clement, and token babe with a microphone renowned journalist Erin Andrews. After SCOTUS GameDay comes to a close with Lee Corso wearing a mask of whichever justice he thinks will write the majority opinion, expect CNN to bring its viewers inside the courtroom to see the Supreme Court nine, too tempted by the promise of television revenue to maintain their no-camera policy, decide this nation’s fate in prime time. Tweens’ hearts will throb as the Chief Justice John “The Sledgehammer” Roberts disassembles decades of precedent, and old men will look at Justice Stephen Breyer and reminisce about the good old days, when being a liberal meant something and the best judges in the land served the highest court. Expect downsides to the television exposure as well, including seeing what Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg looks like in high definition, a page-shaving controversy regarding the length of judicial opinions, and Justice Clarence Thomas’ endorsement deal with Ambien.

Unnecessary Roughness
Now that America’s refs have entered the big time, they better clean up their game. Look for the Court to ixnay any lingering American laws or policies that constitute cruel or unusual punishment, like the death penalty, immigration law, or the past decade of Adam Sandler movies. Not that anything will keep Scalia from taking as many smug smarmy-ass cheap shots as he can. Or Thomas from getting flagged with illegal contact…

Future Chief Justice Tiffani

Decline of the Ivies
Just as Yale, Princeton, and the rest of the Ivy League slowly lost their competitive monopoly on college football, the Ivy League’s iron-fisted control over the Supreme Court will dissipate as the field broadens to include legal powerhouses like University of Southern California, Louisiana State University, Alabama University, and Texas Christian University — currently unranked in pre-season law school power rankings after having produced a combined 0 Supreme Court justices (can you say sleeper!?). Just as college football benefited from a diverse array of competition that infused the sport with new traditions and rivalry, it probably wouldn’t hurt this country if the nine people sitting in a room making some of our nation’s most important decisions did not all come from academic backgrounds like this.

Arbitrary Rulings
To be fair, the BCS and the Supreme Court really aren’t too far away from one another on this one. When you think about it, rulings on pass interference and maritime law are pretty damn subjective. I still wonder what would have happened in Bush v. Gore if a national champion had been crowned by using an algorithm that weighed two different polls and six computer ranking systems, but I know for a fact that Ralph Nader would definitely be the Boise State in that hypothetical situation.

Free Speech
This Court loves expanding first amendment protections almost as much as Justice Alito loves whipping the other justices with a wet towel in the Supreme Locker Room after a long hard day of hearings (I presume). Excessive Celebration penalties will be the first to go, giving way to the tantalizing possibility of Justice Kagan and Justice Sotomayor performing the chicken dance every time they pull off a victory. Kennedy, meanwhile, will probably be selling off all the naming rights he can to the highest bidders, until TD Ameritrade’s logo is emblazoned on all of the Justice’s robes as they walk into the U.S. Cellular Courthouse.

If the Court is a rockin, don’t come a knockin.

Give the people what they want
After a decade and a half of bitching, the BCS finally figured things out. Their solution isn’t perfect, but it’s a step in the right direction. A college playoff is the product of consensus building in order to satisfy the clearly expressed will of the people — fans and authorities coming together with the realization that the current system is broken and needs to be overhauled. Tomorrow, I certainly wouldn’t mind if the Supreme Court acted a bit more like the BCS and came together to uphold a less-than-perfect solution to the more-than-troubling health care dilemma facing this nation, a law that is the democratic product of the express will of the people. Much like a college football playoff system.

For those of you out there in blogosphere who aren’t familiar with the up-and-coming trend of “pregaming,” it is a term that refers to the act of consuming alcohol before any event; it could be a football game, a musical, or even a 250-student lecture. Unfortunately, this trend of pregaming has only become a common cultural activity in recent years. We must wonder: How would history have been changed if previous generations were clinical alcoholics like ours is? Here are the top ten historical events that would have been infinitely better had all parties involved drained several shots of Jose Cuervo beforehand.