Sunday, February 26, 2006

Renee always said she wanted to see a comic book convention. This weekend, I called her bluff. Thanks to Art Asylum we scored a couple of passes and Renee brought her camera. It was exhausting but fun.

So, for a change of pace, this entry will be almost all pictures. There will be captions where necessary but not much more than that. I'm too tired.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

A lot of my friends in the toy industry worry that the days of the action figure are over. Kids have gone to video games and adults have moved over to statues. I never believed them since there are better figures out there than ever before. But when I look at these commercials from the 80's, I start to see their point. Look at how many figure lines there used to be!

And if you're not a nerd, look at how many breakfast cereals, American Express Cards, One To Grow On spots and mulleted kids hawking encyclopedias there used to be.

Friday, February 24, 2006

We're on full sketches now. I got some great notes on this so it will change soon but here's the basic idea:

(OPEN ON: A SMALL COFFEE SHOP. JOHN IS SITTING AT A BOOTH. DAVE ENTERS AND WAVES TO GLADYS THE WAITRESS AND HOLDS UP TWO FINGERS. SHE NODS. HE WALKS TO THE TABLE AND SHAKES JOHN’S HAND WITH A BIG GRIN.)

DAVEHey buddy, great to see ya!

JOHNHi, Dave.

(DAVE SITS DOWN.)

DAVEWhat’s it been? Two months? I don’t know why you picked this place though, the coffee sucks.

JOHNGive me my mail, Dave. It’s illegal, it’s immoral, and if I don’t get it back, we’re not friends anymore, get me?

DAVEOkay, okay. I thought this might happen.

(DAVE HAULS A GIANT MAILBAG ONTO THE TABLE. GLADYS PUTS DOWN TWO CUPS OF COFFEE, FILLS THEM AND LEAVES. )

JOHNThat’s a lot of mail.

DAVEWell, you’re a popular guy. People like you. I like you.

JOHNShut up.

(JOHN RUMMAGES THROUGH THE BAG. HE PULLS OUT A LETTER THAT HAS CLEARLY BEEN OPENED AND RESEALED.)

JOHNDave, this is from TBS. I had an interview a year ago and I never heard from them again.

(JOHN OPENS THE LETTER)

JOHNYou see? This is a job offer! I could have been a producer!

DAVEYou would have hated it.

JOHNWhat?

DAVEThey would have moved you to Atlanta and we couldn’t hang out anymore. I’d have to pass your empty apartment every day. It wasn’t worth it.

JOHNI can’t believe you could be so selfish- what’s this?

(JOHN PULLS OUT A CARE PACKAGE. IT IS A BASKET OF DEAD FLOWERS. HE READS THE CARD ATTACHED.)

JOHNThis is from Lucy! She wanted to get back together! This was sent eight months ago!

DAVEIt wasn’t meant to be.

JOHNI went to her wedding last week!

DAVEAnd didn’t she look happy?

JOHNWhat else did you do?

(JOHN DIVES INTO THE BAG. HE PULLS OUT A FORMAL LOOKING LETTER AND READS IT.)

DAVEOh, you don’t want to read that.

JOHNNanna died?

DAVEYeah, I hate to be the one to break it to you, buddy.

JOHNLast year!

DAVEYou weren’t in a good place then. I mean, you just lost that job in Atlanta-

JOHNThis is from her attorney. She left me two million dollars! (READS) “If you do not claim your inheritance in thirty days, all assets will revert to”-my cousin Stu! Oh, perfect!

DAVEWow.

JOHNYou cost me two million dollars.

DAVEI gotta plead ignorance on that one, I swear. I stopped reading after the first paragraph.

JOHNYou’re not supposed to read it at all!

DAVEHey! I was just looking out for you, trying to protect you, you know, as a friend! And what about all the great times we had? Remember when I stopped you from killing yourself?

JOHNBecause I had no job, no girlfriend and nanna wouldn’t return my phone calls.

(JOHN SIGHS AND PULLS OUT A MANGLED LETTER.)

JOHNThis is from the state.

DAVEWell how do ya like that?

JOHNYou know what this is? This is a felony, Dave. I’m not screwing around, it’s-

(JOHN READS THE LETTER.)

JOHNOh, this is a good one. As a public service, the state feels it’s my right to know that my mailman-

(JOHN POINTS AT DAVE.)

JOHN-is a child molester.

DAVEWell, I didn’t want to brag.

(JOHN JUMPS UP FROM THE TABLE.)

JOHNYou know what, Dave? I don’t want to be your friend anymore. And I know I don’t want you to be my mailman. I’m moving to Atlanta and starting over. You should just be glad I don’t have you arrested.

(JOHN STORMS OFF. DAVE SITS FOR A MOMENT AND MOTIONS TO GLADYS.)

DAVEHey Gladys, this coffee isn’t too good. Can I get a latte?

GLADYSA what? I don’t got time for this. The bank keeps telling me they haven’t gotten any payments on this place. Those bastards are gonna shut me down.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

My name is Jonathan Clarke. I never liked it. Jonathan is a wimpy name. The kid from "Who's the Boss" was named Jonathan and he turned out gay. With a "Flock of Seagulls" hairdo. I think that proves my point.

So I go by Jon. Even my wife calls me Jon. My mother calls me Jonathan and it sucks all the confidence right out of me. Point #2 against.

I've been Jon Clarke on this blog since the beginning. Thanks to that, I'm now the #1 Jon Clarke on Yahoo (#5 on Google). I thank Bryan Murphy for making me care about such a trivial thing.

I used to separate the two names. Jon when people call me on the phone but Jonathan when I had to write it down. You know what? Screw that. I don't want to see that name anymore. From now on, I'm using Jon all the time. On stage, in print, everywhere they don't ask me for my social security number. That's my decision and it is final. Thank you for listening.

Some people think my name is John Clarke. It's not but hopefully mentioning it will trip off a few search engines and send more people here.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Things are still busy but I think we've heard enough about my life for a few days. Instead, check out this article on the new 2 disc All the President's Men dvd. They should shut down the media today and make every reporter watch it. Hopefully, they'll be reminded how the job is supposed to be done.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Bill has been building this for awhile and the result is a lot better than posting movies on this blog has been. "Planet of the Apes" is also premiering there today and we're planning more shorts for you soon.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Friday, February 17, 2006

Last night's class was fantastic. Bryan Tucker came by to listen to our sketches. He's currently a writer for SNL but he's worked for Mad TV, Tough Crowd and Chappelle's Show (this link proves it). He couldn't have been nicer, finding something positive in every sketch and always offering ideas to sharpen them.

We all went out to a late dinner afterwards and he told fantastic stories about these shows and his previous life in stand-up and sketch. He emphasized the need to get out and peform to raise awareness for your writing. Which is precisely why I've been persuing stand-up.

Anyway, here's the sketch idea I like the best. It may be something only I find funny or it may be great. You decide:

Bob Newhart at the ApolloTwo guys are ‘sweeping’ a comic off stage. The crowd is really crazy.

Backstage all the other comics leave. The producer says he has one guy ready to go. The guy’s a pro.

The mc announces the next comedian; Bob Newhart. Bob is meekly brought on stage. He stammers and the crowd starts booing.

Bob starts a bit about being an accountant. An audience member shouts, “Reparations!”

Bob tries a phone bit. “I think it might go a little something like this.” Someone in the audience screams, “Who is you talking to?” someone shouts. “You ain’t got no phone!” Thecrowd throws vegetables at him. The sweeper waits in the wings.

Bob yells at the crowd. He says can’t work under these conditions. He’s only there because he owes the mc seven hundred dollars. And that’s only because Bob is so addicted to crack. The audience laughs. Bob says he’s serious. He can’t go three hours without hitting the pipe. The audience falls out of their chairs.

A new sitcom is announced on BET “Keepin It Real with Bobby N.” Newhart is on the poster holding a crack pipe.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Toy Fair has ended. I went to Art Asylum's party Monday night at the old Limelight and stopped by the Javits Center yesterday. It was great reconnecting with old friends and discussing future projects. And it felt good just to walk around and see what companies have planned for 2006. I know that doesn't make a funny anecdote but that's what happened.

However, during the show, Art Asylum and Diamond Select released the first of their "Star Trek: the Next Generation" figures. As you can see, they are gorgeous. I wrote the copy on the packages but so far I haven't found any good pictures of that. There are fantastic shots of the figures and a great review over at Michael Crawford's site. By the way, this site is the best if you're interested in action figures at all. Michael gives the most insightful comments on toys and covers them from every angle. Every angle except the copy on the package.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

My second or third post ever was on my friend Steve Klausner's movie Headspace. It's being released this week and he now sends me this message:

"My movie has, mercifully, made it through the NY Times reviewer. If we quote it selectively, "unsettling...gratuitous violence...gore", it sounds like the results of the 2000 election presidential election in Palm Beach County! "

From the Times:

'Headspace': It's All in His Head. Or Is It?

A small horror film with all the necessary gore and beasties and gratuitous nudity that this not-very-demanding genre demands.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Yes, it's entirely made up by greeting card companies but it has to be done. At least it's a nice day to reflect on the people you have in your life. If you have no people in your life, just read yesterday's post and you'll feel a little better.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Apparantly the blizzard of 2006 was record breaking. It started Saturday night so all I had to do was shovel my walk. Which means I have nothing interesting to say about it.

Every other blizzard I got something. One year we shot our first Play Cole film. One year I took acid. One year I was on a bus to D.C. which gave up the ghost after 15 hours. One year we watched cars plow into two foot snow drifts on Queens Boulevard. One year it rained and turned Rockaway to glass. But the best memory is from the blizzard of 96.

The snow was starting to fall when Walker called me. He had the chicken pox and sitting alone in his apartment for five days was starting to get to him. He begged me to come over but I said no. They were expecting two feet of snow, for crissake. I'd be stuck in your apartment. I can barely see out my window. I'd have to walk a mile to your house in this. No.

He called back five minutes later. There was a girl in the neighborhood that I had been in love with since high school. I won't mention her name but anyone that ever met me in the 90's knows who it was. It was that obvious. Walker tells me she's stranded and has to stay over his place. I left the house that second.

It was the greatest setup in the world. I'd come over to keep him company and there she'd be. We'd get stranded in the apartment and Walker would take his very drowsy medication. We'd put him in the other room and maybe the lights would go out. You could not plan this better. It was the most beautiful raging snowstorm I've ever walked.

I got there covered in snow and found Walker alone. Where was she? Walker had no idea but he was sure she'd be here soon. I was starting to feel duped. We spent the next thirty hours flipping between an ABBA marathon and the Twilight Zone. The whole thing had the feel of a long car trip, the kind where you really get to know each other. I don't know that I've ever laughed harder.

The next day the girl called. She got stuck a few blocks up at a friend's house but was coming by now. The snow was still falling so she couldn't get home. The perfect setup was once again perfect.

You never saw a diseased man spring into action like Walker. I think partially he was grateful I stayed and partially liked the setup so he cleaned the entire place, dimmed the lights and lit candles. He actually lit candles. Then he took his drowsy medication and tried to look half dead.

She arrived looking gorgeous. Seeing as she had been in the same clothes for three days she had no right to look as good as she did. Her red sweater looked as warm and soft as if it had just come out of the dryer. Her eyes glittered in the candlelight. She settled onto the couch and we talked for an hour as Walker prepared to slip into a well-timed coma.

Then there was a knock on the door. There was a knock on the door? Yes, there was a knock on the door. But we're stranded. Who could possibly get to the door? Well, you remember Thaddeus? It was him. He and Mike Doyle decided to drive over and take the dog for a walk. But the bridge was closed. Yeah, they didn't care. The dog likes the snow. They were just heading home. By the way, did the girl need a ride back? Of course she did.

The three of them seemed to fade as they put on their coats and walked out. Thaddeus and Doyle gave me bear hugs, unaware of the damage they had done. As the girl put on her coat she gave me a look. She knew about the setup. She approved of the setup. And if there wasn't a free ride home involved, she would have gone through with the setup. The door slammed shut as they left. Walker hung his head, laughed and fell asleep.

I spent the next six months trying to win the girl or at least recreate that moment but it never happened. I eventually moved out of Rockaway and that ended the flirtation. It's ten years later and when I think about that blizzard now it's not the missed connection I feel. It's laughing with Walker until the tears rolled down our faces. And that's something we still do.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Desk bits are really tough. I still don't feel I've grasped it. This is as close as I got:

Thousands of Muslims around the world are protesting cartoons satirizing Mohammed. We wondered, what other cartoons have angered people?

Calvin and Hobbes said they were bigger than JesusThe Power Puff Girls appeared nude on the cover of Vanity FairA drunken Hagar the Horrible vomited on the Jimmy Kimmel showThe Wonder Twins said they were brother and sister. Then they had a baby.Chilly Willy- too chillyPepe Le Pew hid a girl in his basement for three monthsScooby-Doo said the Holocaust never happened

We've switched to sketches for next week. Finally, familiar ground. I have got to stop going out for drinks after class. At least when I have a 10 a.m. presentation the next day.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Went very well. I spent the entire day practicing my set and listening to Jerry Seinfeld's dissertation on stand-up so I was reasonably prepared and irrationally nervous. Waiting to go up reminded me of the morning before my wedding (they found me wandering the 'el' in Chicago looking for something to eat).

I'd only performed a few open mikes, so I wasn't prepared for the response of a real audience. And I loved it. The good news is I was immediately given another show on March 1 (you've been warned). So I think I can officially amend the letterhead on this box to read 'writer, guitarist, comedian and curmudgeon'. Been a long time coming on that one.

Andrew went up as well. I'm always impressed by his performance. I have to work to control my energy or I'll start speeding up and slurring words. But Andrew has a meter and a confidence honed by his experience on nightly news. When he comes on stage, it's his show. I really admire that quality.

Thanks to everybody who came out last night. And if you missed it, you've got another chance soon.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Look what Vanity Fair is putting out next week. Vanity Fair! This cover is the exact opposite of its title. It's UNfair! Vanity UnFair! How am I supposed to go to work with this thing on the newsstands? I'll walk by one and that will be my day.

Brian tells me the third model was supposed to be Rachel McAdams. Instead we got this Jeremy Piven looking guy. I should be grateful for small favors. If Rachel McAdams were here, the frustrated man's trifecta would be complete and I'd just quit my job upon seeing it.

Please Vanity Fair, put this in a brown bag, up on a shelf, behind the Penthouse Letters, anything. Some of us don't have the time for your nude hypnosis.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Last week, I wrote a desk piece about this for class. It went along these lines:

Host: With the controversy surrounding Bush’s approval of illegal wiretapping, we wondered; just whose conversations are being tapped? The answers may surprise you with our look at “The Celebrity Wiretap Spreadsheet.”

Paris Hilton talks about her shoes. For 48 minutes.Conclusion: Not a threat. Good shopper.

Arnold Shwarzennegar threatens to knock California into the Pacific Ocean with his bare hands. Laughs maniacally.Conclusion: Not a threat. Good Republican.

Michael Moore orders pizza.Conclusion: THREAT. Big fat threat.

Brad and Angelina’s baby is shown through ultrasound. Yes, we can also tap ultrasound. It’s sound. We can tap it.Conclusion: Not a threat. But get to this kid before he’s born in Hollywood.

Gilbert Gottfried calls a 976 number. Rambles for two hours.Conclusion: Inconclusive. No one was listening to him.

George Bush Sr. calls Bill Clinton to discuss relief efforts.Bill Clinton Conclusion: Not a threat. Is finally hanging out with the right crowd. George Bush Sr. Conclusion: SERIOUS THREAT. TALKS TO BILL CLINTON.

Now comes word that this is actually happening. Granted it's being done not by the U.S. government but by a sleazy private eye, but I maintain my prescience. Why not, I could use the ego boost.

Monday, February 06, 2006

You may have noticed the link to Pilartoons on the right. Pilar is a fantastic animator and, fortunately for us, she agreed to do some animation for the group. Here's her first piece. It's a thirty second idea I had and she picked up the audio and ran with it.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

I could care less about the game but somehow I'm going to two different parties. I'm just hoping for lots of boobies and explosions during the half-time show (Janet Jackson had both). Which reminds me; go vote!

Saturday, February 04, 2006

I like traffic. Lots of it. I want to send this blog into uncharted realms of popularity. But, in order to do that, I have to sell out. And I need your help to do so. There are two sure-fire methods to be successful and I can't decide which is right for this blog. You tell me. Would you rather see moreBoobiesor Explosions?

You can only have one. Leave a comment and cast your vote. We'll consider this our next comment contest. You could win SOMETHING CRAPPY!

Oh, and don't say 'exploding boobies'. That both sickens and cheapens us all.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Last night's class was the most challenging yet. We moved from monologue jokes to 'desk bits' (which are basically anything a talk show host does between the monologue and introducing the first guest). You could hear the tension of everyone switching gears so radically. We also had a great writer from Kilborn and Ferguson in to judge them (putting us all a little more on the spot). We all got through it well enough to get a couple of drinks after class.

I did write one new monologue joke and you can have it:

A new study says that alcohol can cause cancer. Scientists say it would have been diagnosed sooner but “we were distracted by all that liver failure”.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Yes, it's happening. After a few open mikes and way too many excuses, I have my first stand-up gig this Wednesday night! I'm excited (is excited the word? No, it's petrified but let's move on) to finally do the purest form of comedy after so many years in writing and sketch. Andrew is sharing the bill with me and you're invited.