Blog

And then this happened...

Last night's girls night was HEAPS of fun. My friend who just had her baby on 5th March really let loose and shook off 12 months of 'being sensible' while she was pregnant and breastfeeding. She stopped breastfeeding last week, so this was her first time at having a few drinks in nearly a year! Here's a pic of us at the first bar of the night (before we moved on to another venue for some serious dancing).

Friday 27th April 2012

We got home at about 3am, which was an epic effort since I got up at 6am on Friday morning! I was very proud of myself for being the designated driver and still cutting some wicked moves on the dance floor whilst being totally sober. I seem to have turned a new leaf that's clearly working, as this cleaner and healthier me is feeling so much more energetic!Anyway, onto the topic I really need to discuss. I'm very concerned about my husbands' health lately. And by health, I mean I think he is depressed and I don't know what to do about it. It mostly has to do with him feeling trapped in his job. I've mentioned before that he works in the Emergency Services, and absolutely hates it. He is tired of the shift work, of being tired ALL the time. He's tired of having to see 'first hand' all of the nasty stuff we all just watch on the news and think "gee, I'm glad that's not my family". Last night he saw someone who had just had their face smashed with a mallet, and their eyeball had exploded from the crushing of the eye socket. He hasn't really had any training on how to deal with the affect of this stuff on his own mental health. He has been applying for new jobs for the last 7 months, and so far has had no bites. Part of this is because all he has been applying for various government jobs that have a 6 month 'short-listing' period, and it's taking ages to find out if he has made any progress on any of the applications. He really just wants to buy a business and work for himself, but we can't afford it right now.And I feel like an asshole today for unexpectedly turning on the waterworks after my efforts toward BD'ing was rejected again. His libido is barely there, and it's causing a bit of friction in our marriage because we are on two different levels. It's been like this for a couple of years. Again, I blame his job. It seems that the only time he is relaxed and happy is when he's on annual leave from his job. He's a completely different person when he's not doing shift work, he is much more in the mood to play! So there I was in tears and explaining to him that I'm just trying to get us back into a place where we are "us" again. I said to him that we are never going to be as young as we are now, so we should be enjoying each other more and appreciating what we have. I told him that even during times in our lives when we have stress, we should still be able to share these loving moments together, as it helps. After about 30 minutes of silence from him he finally starts to talk. He tells me that he feels trapped in his job, he feels like he hasn't had a proper nights' sleep in years, he's stressed about his Mum, he's stressed about IVF, he's stressed about money because all of our savings are going toward IVF, he's stressed because he doesn't know what new career path to take, and he is feeling down about all of the shit he has to deal with at work. Queue more tears from me. These tears were not about my own frustrations, these tears were about how worried I am for his mental health. Not knowing what else to say, I suggested he try to get some counselling, and/or ask for some time off work for stress-leave. He says he just can't see the value in talking to a stranger about his problems. He actually said to me that it's "weak" (even though he knows how much the psychologist helped me last year). And nothing I say or do can convince him otherwise. He said that he wouldn't be able to get stress-leave from work unless he was suicidal, or if he had witnessed something extremely distressing. [I'm bloody crying again as I'm typing this! I just have no idea what to do with him (or for him)]. I gave him a big hug before he miserably went off to work another afternoon weekend shift - the 4th shift of a 9-day-straight stint before his next day off.

After he left, I spent some time prepping my wood project and had the whole afternoon to think about this... and here I am reaching out for some suggestions now, through my blog. I understand that there's only so much one person can do to help another, when certain issues can only be fixed if they're acknowledged and dealt with by the person with the issues. But this is my husband, and his stubbornness about 'getting help' is affecting everything in our lives. I fear that he is depressed. Does anyone have any experience in dealing with this kind of depression in a partner who won't get professional help? It is so difficult to remain upbeat and positive, when all he can see is doom and gloom. Maybe I need to go and talk to the IVF counsellor myself in order to get advice on how to improve our stress levels (they told us we could chat to them anytime for free). While I was painting, I was thinking back to all these great moments that Chop and I have had together, and remembered how carefree we used to be. I wish I could just snap my fingers and get us back to that carefree existence again. I'm actually kind of nervous about posting this blog because it's extremely personal, while "yes" it relates to us needing to reduce stress levels before beginning IVF, it is also something I'm not too sure my husband would appreciate me placing in a public site. But then again, I've written a lot about the emotional struggles we've had before, so I guess this is all part of our journey. Ok - so if you're reading this, then I've obviously hit 'Publish'. EEEEEEP!!!

Related Posts

6
comments

Ask him to please, just try. Even if he is not diagnosed with depression, a therapist can help! You both are under so much stress, of course you're showing signs of depression. That's normal! Tell him that a therapist is a *trained* stranger, and that they may be able to give him specific methods of dealing with all of the things going on in his life.

I saw one while in grad school, and it helped me realize that I wasn't a horrible, lazy, unmotivated person - but that I profoundly did not want to follow the career path I had chosen. My grandfather's girlfriend of 40 years saw one while he was dying of lung cancer, and it helped her be in the place she needed to be to both support him during his last months, and cope with his passing.

I see it as a sign of strength to actively find ways of being a healthier person. Tell him that his happiness and health are so important to you, and you want him to value himself as much as you value him.

It took me months to schedule an appointment with a therapist, and was only at BG's encouragement that I went. Later, I only regretted not going sooner.

Tell him that you're not asking him to start a lifetime of therapy, that it can be a short-term measure to help him through this difficult time.

My one caveat is that it's important to find someone that is a good fit. I had a very positive experience with my therapist, but when BG went to the same clinic and saw a different therapist, she was not as helpful for him.

Also, it's a bit huge, but I found the book "A Noonday Demon" to be helpful. You can read the first chapter here: http://www.noondaydemon.com/Chapter1.pdf.

Sorry for the marathon comment. I hope it's helpful.

Also, you look fabulous in that photo above! I'm glad you had a great girls night out :)

I don't know if this may help or not but I realized that my husband always tries to be the stronger person in the marriage and never lets me see him waver. Your husband may be trying to be strong for you because he sees how much stress you are going through with IVF and feeling down about not conceiving. I was the same way. If your husband goes into therapy that may be showing weakness in his eyes and he has to be strong for you. DHs are our rock. I can only imagine how stressful it is to be depressed but still have to be the strong one. My husband never told me he was apprehensive about doing foster care until later because he knew I would change my mind for him so he didn't tell me. He knew being a mom was all I ever wanted and he coudln't take that away. You are right he needs to see a therapist but that is so hard for men to do. Maybe tell him you will be the strong one temporarily so he can get support. Not easy but just a thought. I hope this was helpful and sending hugs your way:)

Perhaps he'll do couples counseling instead of individual therapy? That way, it might not feel as intense for him if he isn't really into therapy. And you'll still get to talk about things thT are worrying you, including his mental health. If you haven't done therapy, please remember that finding the right therapist is reaaaaally important. If you end up going to one and you both don't click with that person, find someone else and don't feel embarassed about doing so.

Hubby and I did couples counseling a while back. It was phenomenally helpful. And I've done individual counseling which was great, too.

Maybe you can get him to just try, like sass said. Get him to commit to going to just one appointment/consultation - just to see what it's like? I can really understand his side of things because I've been there. I've been in a job I hated, and dealing with the stress of IVF, spending our savings, dealing with aging parents that are far away, having a low libido, feeling completely and utterly trapped and out of control of my own life...it's a really tough place to be in. It took me a while to come around to the realization that I needed to make changes, and get help. It's so easy to feel stuck and helpless when you're surrounded by so much stress and so many things that make you unhappy. I would say try to encourage him to get help and/or make changes, but try not to pressure him too much. He's feeling enough pressure as it is. Try to explain that going to a therapist isn't just talking to a stranger - they're a trained professional that can provide tools and coping methods. They're a neutral third party that has no emotional investment in your situation and can therefore see things that you are unable to and can really help you clear things up and prioritize and modify your perspective and help you think of other options that you didn't think of as far as your job is concerned. I only go to mine every week and a half to two weeks or so, but she has really changed my perspective on my situation and encouraged me to make the changes I needed to to be a lot happier with my current situation.

Are there any support groups in your area? Maybe he'd feel better doing something like that? Like a group for people with terminally ill family members, or infertility support?

With all that your husband is dealing with, it's not at all surprising that he's depressed. Given what he has to deal with in his job, I'd also be worried about him developing PTSD. I'm surprised that his workplace doesn't offer more help for its employees to cope with the trauma they see on a daily basis.

I'm sorry that he's not open to therapy and that he views it as "weak." I wish there were some way to make him see that it's actually a sign of great strength to admit that you need help and to ask for it. Unfortunately, my husband is the same. He's a US military veteran who served in Iraq. He has PTSD, which has caused him to have severe, sometimes debilitating insomnia. Certain sights or smells will trigger memories he has of the war and it's very hard for him to deal with. He's prone to depression as well. He did get help several years ago at a psychiatric facility, but he's very much against going on antidepressants and he doesn't seem interested in talking to a therapist these days. He feels it's pointless. Most of the time he doesn't talk about his feelings and I feel that it's a huge victory for him just to admit to me that he's depressed. So I think it's a very hopeful sign that your husband finally opened up to you about what he's feeling. That's a huge first step. Even if he's not yet ready for therapy, if you can keep him talking to you, I think it will help him, at least a little.

I think the others who have commented have given great advice and I don't really have much to add to that. I've been through depression, too, and I know that getting help had to be my decision. No one could make me go and being pressured to get help made me feel worse about myself. You could see if he's willing to go to couples therapy with you. That might be the least threatening option for him. But I wouldn't push it. I would just suggest that you make sure he knows that you're his safe place in this world and that he can always come to you with his problems.

Infertility is a HUGE stresser on a marriage. It sucks. I know that through my journey (many years of infertility - 14 miscarriages - I have 4 wonderful boys!) ... my husband would feel like all I wanted him for was his sperm. Which wasn't the case. But it's how they feel.

Also, my husband has severe depression ... it's hard. If they aren't willing to seek out the help of a psychologist or a doctor, then all you can do is try to convince him to do one or the other.

If you're new to the world of parenthood, or if you want to find some cool family things to do in Melbourne then this blog is for you! Here you will find fun tips, adventures and insights about parenthood.

Hi, my name is Ali. I've overcome infertility and invite you along for the bumpy ride of parenthood. Join me on my mission to make the most of every moment with family!