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Movie Review: X-Men: Apocalypse 3D, or 6 Characters and the Thoughts That Ran Through My Head With Each One

First off, hooray for shooting in 3D. Only a few filmmakers actually opt to shoot their films in the native 3D format, because they think that conversion can save them a lot of money. But shooting in 3D actually shows dimension and depth to the actors' faces, especially with extreme close-ups.

Now down to the nitty-gritty. This movie did not work as effectively as I would've wanted it to. Primarily it's because I slept through some parts. Granted these were very short one-minute power naps, but I slept nonetheless. And that's not a good sign. Any movie that makes me doze off, no matter how short, means it's boring.

The screenplay was penned by Simon Kinberg, who did a great job on the previous flick in this franchise, Days of Future Past. But why was the screenplay for this film not as great? I think it's because Days of Future Past was adapted off an already existing storyline from the comic books, whereas this one was probably just a vehicle used to introduce Apocalypse.

The thing that we’ve spent the most time talking about is not just the visual execution of the character, which is its own challenge – creating a character that’s the most powerful I think of any mutant villain that we’ve seen in the X-Men movies so far. More powerful than Magneto. The kind of scope and scale we’re talking about is like disaster movie, extinction level event. Sort of Roland Emmerich-style moviemaking, which you’ve never seen in an X-Men movie, or any superhero movie, which I think is exciting.

Yes, this film may be apocalyptic visually, what with all the computer-generated destruction and dust clouds going on, but emotionally, I think it falls short. I didn't get the sense of impending doom, the end of humanity. There seemed to be lacking a sense of urgency. I'm not really sure how this could've been executed better. The only solution I can come up with is they should've based it off an existing storyline. But I said that already.

The only good thing in the story, in my opinion, was the humanisation of Magneto. Having him hide his identity by blending among mortals, saving a co-worker's life in secret, and having his family taken from him, adds so much more gravitas to his character, which I think Michael Fassbender was able to pull off. Anyway, instead of more complaints, here are six characters from the film, and the thoughts that ran through my head as I was watching them.

Oh, Oscar Isaac, you are a damn good actor. Such a pity that your acting prowess wasn't able to shine through all that heavy prosthetics. Also, your character's supposed to be the harbinger of doom, right? The end of the world? But you should be way scarier than you were in the movie. All you did was 3D-print some buildings and stuff. Anyway, I'd blame it on the prosthetics, or on the script, or on Bryan Singer's bad directing. Not on you, because I've been a fan since Inside Llewyn Davis.

Okay, my favourite comic book X-Man is Nightcrawler, but you are my favourite live-action mutant, since you sprung Magneto out of the Pentagon in Days of Future Past. See, in the comics, you kind of look like an old man (but I guess that's because of your hair being silver), and I can never really feel your speed because, you know, comic book drawings don't move, and so I have no idea how fast you can really move. Man, you are insanely quick. I guess that's why they call you Quicksilver.

Damn, Olivia Munn. You're still as hot as you were back when I first liked you in Attack of the Show. But the close-up shots where I can see your eyelash extensions bothered me a little. Like, they look really fake. Anyway, when I learned Psylocke was going to be in X-Men: Apocalypse, I was thinking she was going to be Eurasian, like in the comics. So I thought, "Olivia Munn". No other choice. Ten years ago, maybe Lucy Liu? But no, it's got to be Olivia Munn. I used to jack off to Psylocke when I was in grade school. And I used to jack off to Olivia Munn when I was in college. There. Casting choice justified.

When it comes to Jubilee, you really have to go full Asian. How about casting a Filipina, though? I'm not saying Lana Condor isn't pretty. I'm just saying that if Jubilee isn't going to do any fighting, any martial arts stuff, or any psychedelic light shows that showcase her actual mutant ability, then at least give her some sexy shots. Okay, I'm griping too much.

Ben Hardy... any relation to Tom Hardy? None? Okay, so who are you supposed to be really? Are you like the same Angel as in Warren Worthington III? Wasn't he in X-Men: The Last Stand, a.k.a. the third film that everybody hated? This film is set in the 80s, right? And The Last Stand was... 2006? How old are you supposed to be in this film? Like twenties? So if you are indeed Warren Worthington III, then you'd be in your forties in The Last Stand, right? And when Apocalypse gives you metal wings, doesn't that make you Archangel? So you go from Angel to Archangel then back again to Angel in 2006? I'm confused.

So are Nightcrawler, Beast, and Mystique all related? Because, you know, blue?

Okay, are you another timeline anomaly? Weren't you already in X2? And what's up with the teleport restrictions? The comic book Nightcrawler is my favourite X-Man, and as far as I can remember, the only limitations he has with regard to his superpower is he cannot teleport to places he hasn't seen before. If he can see it in his mind, he can go there. So what's up with you not being able to teleport out of an electrified metal cage? That's such a lame attempt to get you to do a cage match with Angel. And I have a problem with your fingers. Each finger should look like a normal human finger, except there's just three on each hand. But your two fingers look fatter than your thumb, which obviously looks like your costume forced you to bunch two fingers together. Yeah, that may be a minor gripe, but I've been bothered by that since X2. I also don't like your hair, but I'll let that slide.

So that's that. More X-Men movies? Yes, please. But better scripts this time. Maybe you can try having the comic book writers do the screenplay? J.K. Rowling's doing it, so might as well give it a go.