Saturday, August 23, 2014

Never Good Enough. That one stands out for me like a sharp knife. Empty. Crushed.

These things.... the pain that we hide. And what it does to us. Pain has a voice, whether it be distrust, fear, or anger - but believe you me --- it has a voice, and it demands to be heard.

This song resonates with me so much. I can see my childhood in it. My hiding places. I can feel the fear that I had as a child when I listen to it. How sad, how truly sad. I can say that today --- my connection with this is brief, and I can come back up into today's reality --- but I remember the time when I could not. When fear was my every breath. This is why I write of transformation ...of healing, and growth, because I've lived it. I've crossed that great divide and embraced that searing pain. I know that it is possible to come through it -- I'm living proof.

I've had the occasion as of late to bristle up with a bit of that pain once again from days of old. See our journey is a path that we walk, and things along the way - awaken us from time to time to our pain. I'd had a perception about someone that was totally off, and it was out of my past pain. The beauty in this is that this person cared enough about me to let me be where I was, and love me through it. She saw that I was reacting out of pain. Old pain that didn't fit who I am. The pain that I carry still in some area's of my life still has a voice. I don't like this - but we have blind spots at times, fueled by old pain.... and I'm being healed. Praise God!!! Oh how God answers prayer... it totally amazes me.

My childhood was pretty horrific by some's measuring stick. It certainly wasn't the "white picket fence" kind of life - albeit we had a white picket fence. I lived in a house with a very mean and vindictive mother. She has since my adulthood shared with me that she hated me when I was a child. I knew this intrinsically - and I don't think her and I ever bonded as mother and daughter. This affected me greatly. One can only imagine. My Mother was narcissistic. It was completely her world and I was in her way. There were the occasional occasions when I was useful to her, and when I could be utilized at a tool for manipulation. She taught me well in that area. However, I did not get love nor nurturing that I so desperately needed and deserved. It has shaped my life... and made growing up especially difficult for I've sought many a thing to fill up that void. A void as big as life itself... and then some. All the while -- thinking there was something wrong with me. That's what children do, they blame themselves - they don't have the capacity to do anything else rationally. Their little brains just can't handle any further functioning. So they become bad, act out, get mean, angry, depressed, and the like. It's an inward spiral. It's self-hate. All because of the lack of love and affection that is so necessary -- and so naturally needed. So deserved. And, it wasn't my fault. I did not know any better. This is why I clung so to my father. My only source of love and kindness. Thank God for my Father.

Thus is where the addiction began..... to numb the catastrophic hurt. My Mother did not love me, and I knew it. What in the world does a child do with such information? Turn it inward. Useless, no good, worthless, never amount to anything.... the voices would take over. And I had her telling me that I wasn't who and what I should have been told, reinforcing the pain, concretizing my beliefs. I literally grew up a hull of a human being. So confused, scared and empty. The only antidote was to get and stay high. This was the only time that I didn't feel pain. The only time that I didn't feel lack. If I could get high enough. I had to be pretty high to not feel the amount of pain that I had -- pain of my person hood. Pain for just being alive. I had been told that I was a mistake, and trust you me, I felt like one. That's what my identity seemed to be -- one big mistake - and so I made them in the attempt to be perfect. If I could be perfect, no one would see how afraid I was, how horribly void I was as a person. Try being an addict with a case of perfectionism. It's a nightmare. Trying to follow rules while high? It's just down right insane. So that's how I felt most of the time, and therefore, I never, ever measured up... to my or anyone's scales. How could I?

Jesus has brought me so far. Praise His holy name. I am not the person that I used to be. As I write that and recall -- I see and know that I've been healed so much. From so much. I had a break through just the other day with my precious friend. As much healing as I've done, there's still more pain in there. Pain that was still affecting my life. Pain that affected my thinking and how I reacted to someone that is dear to me. Fear. As God has been trying to let in light there is still fear. As much as I think I have peace, God illuminated me. That's healing. God used my friend to heal me. I had to bristle up with the pain again for a bit -- but I'm so much lighter now, like a weight has been lifted off of me.

What are you holding on to today? What didn't you get as a child? And perhaps you were one of the lucky ones that had the Cleavers for parents! I sure didn't. However, I'm here to tell you today that God is still in the healing business. He is still in the miracle business. I had one just the other day.... it never ceases to amaze me how beautifully God answers prayer. How lovely the answers come, and how awesome He heals!!! God was right in the middle of myself and my friend the other day -- and He healed me from the inside out. He took my yoke. He relieved a burden that I wasn't even aware that I was carrying. He opened a door that I didn't even know existed. It's blocking me from trusting - people and most definitely God. I just feel so much lighter in my spirit. Like a flower that 's bloomed.

Praise God...One day, there'll be no more rooms with unknown pain in them. I wholeheartedly believe this. I love God so much -- and I love my Mom. I know what she went through as a child, and pain is generational. What we don't know how to heal we continue. Forgiveness has meant everything for me. If it hadn't been for God's amazing mercy and forgiveness I'd not be where I am today - sharing like I do - in healing and in health. Love is the answer. Love is always the answer. Perfect love casts out all fear.... and Jesus is my peace. He is the author and finisher of my faith, and without Him, I really wouldn't have been able to have did anything. Not of my own accord. How precious He is to me. How He renews and restores my hope. How beautiful He makes life. That's what I've done with my Kid fears...............<3

Friday, August 22, 2014

This little book is called, "Jesus Calling", by Sarah Young. I adore it. I read it most mornings. I particularly like this entry. This book is to me, like Jesus Himself is speaking to me.

I've had the occasion as of late to have a few people pretty much tell me that I'm not healed because I'm not speaking it - or either I'm not believing it - etc. It seems to me that I'm having other people's beliefs placed upon me. I've even been told by someone that I love dearly --- that my pain is a "demon". I do not believe this. I went to see my Pastor over that one. It upset me quite a lot. Matter of fact - I'm upset now -- because I believe that I'm being told to believe things that just aren't agreeing with my spirit man. Not that what has been told to me isn't perhaps biblical, which is what is difficult -- but the reason for this blog is for those of us that haven't received healing --- what are we to think/believe? Is it that our faith isn't strong enough? Or is God at fault here? I know that I am not alone in this query.

I love God. I trust God unequivocally. I've been saved since I was a child. I've loved God my entire life. I'd say however, in these last three years though that I've come to know the Lord in such an amazing way -- and it's dramatically redefined my life. I am no longer the human that I once was -- and I mean even in christianity - I made plenty of mistakes - and there were times when I rarely drew a sober breath. Yet, I still loved the Lord. I'm not certain how those two things coexist - but knowing that I was and can still be contumacious, but that God loves me still. I have learned in grace that I don't have to work for my salvation - Jesus sealed my heart, and your heart -- and finished the work -- at Calvary.... There isn't one single thing that I can or have to do to add to that -- He doesn't need my help. This is what grace is. It's all about faith and we're all given an equal measure. Yet I've been put through an ordeal because of someone else's beliefs to the point where I've stressed myself out so much trying to express my faith to God - because I am not healed. It has a ring to it of failure on my part. I mean if it hasn't happened.... doesn't it have to be someone's fault? Isn't that what I'm being told? Isn't there blame to be lain?

I'm here to tell whomever today that I don't accept that. Nor do I look to God, my precious Redeemer -- with any lack. Of any kind --- pain - sickness - depression - whatever. There are those that would say I should just stop taking all of my meds... but God gave us physicians. I know that Jesus is the ultimate physician. However, we are all different, and different for a reason. My pain has taught me a great deal about life, and about compassion for others. I would not trade what it's taught me -- because I know people that have no compassion - and they are lacking. I also know what man might use for evil, God uses for good. Jesus is light, and there is no darkness in Him at all.... so then is pain darkness? I don't know - but I do believe that He heals each of us differently. My pain isn't a severe as it once was - and my addiction has been taken from me. Praise God!!! However, some still don't see the forest for the trees. God has reasons that He does things in the manner in which He does. I don't have crystal ball to know why - but I trust His precious will. I pray for it, in my life. I refuse to believe that I'm not doing enough, don't have enough faith, or just simply am not enough on any level period -- whether it be how I speak, think, walk, talk, or otherwise - that has hindered my healing. I will wait on God and when He deems it, He will heal me. I will not accept that I am deficient in anyway. I am a child of the most high God! My high priest sits at the right hand of God and I will be healed when God sees fit, not when others think so.

Jesus is so precious to me. He is the heart of my life. My love for Him guides everything that I do. Yes, I'm worthy of healing, and I'm ready to accept it, I believe in it, whole-heartedly. If you've read my blog then you full well know that I believe in miracles and have experienced them - and there will be more in my life. I know it. I'll be patient, renew my strength and share the Lord with anyone any chance I get. And I do. I am on a path as our devotional for today says. I do have a purpose. I know that my Redeemer will show me where it is that I am to go -- and I will go. I will go no matter what anyone else thinks, or what they say. I do not particularly care what others think of me, or whether or not I'm healed. This is between God and myself. He's my Beloved, not theirs. It's a shame that people push their belief upon you. I share, if it means something to you - beautiful, if it doesn't - that's okay too. MY aim is to inspire thought, and introspection. Heck, just roll some thoughts around about God. That's all I ask. See what feels right for you.

My purpose for this particular blog however is for believers - believers that are still in search of healing. Don't give up, and don't let anyone tell you that your not doing something right. To me, that's wrong in itself. Make your petitions known to God and be patient --- He's still in the miracle business. He's the same yesterday - today - and He will be tomorrow - a Healer, our Great Physician, our Comforter, the giver of precious peace, and the all consuming One. I owe everything in my life to Him. I write about Jesus to inspire others, not to tell anyone what they "should" be doing, ever. I don't wish to every offend anyone. It's my joy I try and share, most of the time. I realize, acknowledge that Jesus is still in the healing business..... I know it's happening to me, little by little. It's my healing, not anyone else's. We are all different in God's eyes, all precious in His sight. I trust, and honor this. To me, whether He decides to heal me or not, He's precious in my eyes, and heart - pain or no pain. It will be used for God's goodness, I promise you that. And I will be at peace.... because Jesus is our peace. I realize that through Jesus's stripes I am healed... I am healing. I realize the power behind those words. I say them. I whole-heartedly believe them. I breathe that life into my body. Yet when I still have pain, I just accept that there's a reason that the Lord knows why. I'm still at peace. Some folk don't understand this. And this is perfectly okay. It's not their pain. It's my walk with Jesus, not theirs.

My Jesus is amazing. Your Jesus is amazing. Let's let that be our focus. Whether or not we're healed - well I think that's God's business. I trust and know - He's sitting at the end of my life just waiting for me and He sees all. He and only He knows the reasons for why things are the way that they are. I pray for His wisdom, not man's. Many times I don't trust man's wisdom, mainly because we are so short sighted and singularly minded.... That's the beauty of the Lord. He not only has my heart in His hands, He has yours and your neighbors. Isn't that lovely? Those of us that know that kind of love and protection. There is no fear there. Just safety. Surety. It allows me to trust and love on a level I've not loved since I was a child, with an innocence so sweet. It's beyond words for me, and I "do" words.

I pray that you find that peace and loved feeling today. No matter what your circumstances. No matter how low you may feel. No matter how much life has beaten you up. Our Redeemer lives. He lives inside of us. Shine. Just shine. Rest in His goodness, and know, He's got this....... today - tomorrow and forever.

Monday, August 18, 2014

I didn't entitle this blog specifically as to what kind of pain for a reason. I say this because I think we all experience it the same. Pain - I believe is universal. I believe it to be a language that we all understand on some level... albeit emotional, mental or physical. I believe it all depends upon what we do with it is what matters. I suppose I have to believe this way --- because I've had to embrace it head on, full blown. If I don't watch closely - it will try to own me. It's an everyday struggle for me - and it has been for a long, long, time.

Pain sharpens the mind. It can't but not. It whittles away at your sanity. Chip by chip, by chip. Hour by hour. Sometimes, minute by minute. Depending upon how intense it is. However, the oddity of it is in the severity of it all - to look at you, no one would dare know there's anything going on at all with you. You "look" - fine.... Except you don't act, nor can you -- act or BE -fine.

Fine. What a word. What a lie. How many times it's told. Repeatedly. Who is really - fine? I just don't see it. Maybe it's me. I've been touched by so many, experienced so much, that I honestly don't know too many people that could ever really categorize themselves as - fine. Ever. But we say it. Over and over. We don't even admit it to ourselves - because I think we believe that we are fine when we say it!

I've just came off of a seven day horror ride of varying degrees of headaches. It's finally subsided, Praise God. I didn't think it would ever stop. I found myself in that pain state thinking that it would never end, and what would I do? Along with the pain that I already have (which has not been bad praise God) is a great deal to contend with for this small human. I wonder sometimes how I ended up with all of this? I know that such questions have no real answers and if they did, it wouldn't change the facts. I'm grateful that I understand this - for some search and search only to be bitterly disappointed when the discover that understanding doesn't bring change.

I suppose through my searching to find answers for this debacle of searing pain I did discover it's source - and have had to make some changes - however small, but changes no less. I have TMJ and my jaw is completely jacked-up. I knew that it was out of whack but not to the degree that it was going to cause mind-blowing pain like it has. I've had some worries too and that has caused some grinding which has increased the problem. I'm having to wear my mouth guard 24-7 now. It's an inconvenience, but it's a hellofa lot better than the migraines, facial, and neck pain. This also leads me to address the things that I am obviously powerless over. Yes, you read that right - I - the Queen of peace, have been worrying.

I inserted the illustration above for several reasons... one because I think it very indicative of life, period. We don't see other's pain. We don't share our pain. We have personal pain, and universal pain. Yet - we tell each other we're FINE. I've really grown to dislike that word - that lie. It's not as if we're lying on purpose - I don't believe that -- it's just that we don't want to get into what's really going on for whatever reason. However, I challenge you today - to tell the truth. Be honest with someone, someone that you trust. See if your burden isn't lightened just a little bit. Pain shared is pain lessened. We need each other. This is just a fact. I've lived long enough alone - and learned how to do just that -- to know that we're not islands. Life wasn't designed for us to be alone. God gave us companions. At the very least, someone to talk to. Share your pain. See if the other person hasn't had some of the same experiences. Let some of the stuff from below the surface see daylight. You'll feel a whole lot lighter, I promise. You'll be a whole lot less of the walking wounded. I can attest to this because I've lived it. People are suffering in silence, and there just isn't any sense in it. Not when we have a world full of people. There are people that care, you just have to pick them carefully. I think you'll find they're suffering too.

Everyone on some level understands pain - be it a toothache or the loss of a loved one - it doesn't matter, it is a crushing of the heart. If we could stop judging each other for stupid stuff like skin color and what kind of car we drive, we might get to the "heart" of the matter, that we all have scars. We've a wounded world -- just look at what's happened at Ferguson. That's some long time coming expulsion of pain there man. God Bless them, and heal their hearts. We're all standing in a river, dying of thirst. We don't utilize what we have.... and we just bear the pain. I don't know if it is because we think we're supposed to, or no one has ever given us permission to release it. However, I challenge you today to really tell someone how you are instead of the lie, someone that you trust. Start a new journey because you can... don't let the pain own you -- you bring it to the light, and often times that's all it takes for it's release. And try and remember -- others have pain you know nothing about. Always, always --- as you would like for yourself, BE KIND......

Saturday, August 2, 2014

I had a chance to bless someone last night - and it was the answer to a prayer. I'd ask God to bless me so that I could in turn be a blessing and it happened. It wasn't on a huge scale - but it was an answer to a prayer nonetheless. Not that I'd "down-play" answered prayer - ever.

I've been noticing how God has been answering prayer in my life as of late. It seems everywhere I look, it's an answer to a prayer. What a mighty Lord!

Yesterday wasn't the best of days for me. I didn't feel well. I guess I went back to bed three or four times trying to escape a nagging headache. I'd had it since waking up. I've not felt well in what seems days. Not bad enough to really complain - but I don't complain much. I live with pain levels in the sevens most of the time, but I just keep going. I keep a good attitude, and I realize after years of living with chronic pain --- what choice do I have? I can sit around and be miserable - or get up and live life. So, that's what I do -- I live life to the best of my ability. There are some days when I can't -- but they are few and far between.

I had plans with a very dear sister in Christ for dinner. I had to cancel with her the last time due to kidney stones - and I was not about to have to cancel with her again --- headache or not. She is very precious to me --- always encouraging, and always a kind word.

So in the attempt to throw the headache - I'd spent most of the day in bed, which is very unlike me. I did manage to do a little shopping right before going to her house for dinner. I don't know why I did it, but I took out some cash when I paid for my things. No matter, it was my intuition telling me to do it, and I took heed.

We had dinner and lovely conversation about church, God and all that we talk about. except this time which is unusual for my friend - she shared her struggles. She doesn't usually do that. I'm glad that she did, and feels close enough to me to do so - for she can be a very private person.

What is so beautiful is that I'd prayed sometime ago for God to bless me so that I be able to bless someone else. I've prayed for abundance and prosperity in my life - as well as for God to bring new people into my life. God has answered all of these prayers. In such a beautiful way. God always answers prayers in ways we can't always see... and beyond our imaginations. It blows my mind most of the time. However, I've stopped limiting God. Most of the time we only think God is able to do the things that we think of on "our" scale -- and we forget who HE (or she if that's what you need) is. He is not human......

Chew on that for awhile.

The point I'm trying to make is that prayers do get answered. If they're prayed from an earnest heart. I don't know that I've always believed this. I used to say it, but today -- I'm living proof. I'm living proof of miracles, answered prayers, and so much more where God is concerned. If anyone has taken the time to read my past blogs and seen how scattered I was - and in as much mental turmoil they would see the progression of peace in my life. A peace that passes understanding.

I love my life today. I have not always been able to say that. I'm comfortable in my own skin. More than comfortable. I'm at peace. Peace in today's world is priceless. I got a chance to bless someone last night and I never have enough to bless anyone - not like that. But I did last night. It's exactly what I had asked of God -- and much sooner than I ever expected. I'm in awe. It would be very simple and probably silly to someone else.... but to me it was one of God's masterpieces... just for me.