Posts from the ‘Absurdity’ Category

Morning People

You know who you are. You’re the ones that in a scant few hours will be bounding happily from bed, a smile on your collective delusional faces, ready to face the new day with unbridled enthusiasm. You actually look forward to what the morning hours will bring. You delight in the dawning of a new day and in watching the sun rise..of hearing the birds begin to chirp as they herald in the new morn. You greet everyone you meet, without any regard for some of our suffering, with a cheery hello and say things like “Isn’t it a beautiful morning?” or “Did you SEE that sunrise this morning?”. NO, we didn’t see it, we were too busy trying to pry our eyelids open so we could go out and play in traffic while still trying to wake up.

You people are the scourge of my existence.

I’m a night owl living in a morning person‘s world. Trust me, even with the rising popularity of all things vampire themed, it’s still not easy to function in a society that is still selfishly geared to people who spring out of bed, eager to greet the day each new morning. We all know the ones. They actually smile when their feet hit the floor. They grab a cup of coffee and appreciate the sunrise with enthusiasm as they ready themselves to effortlessly slide into the ebb and flow of another day. They even look FORWARD to it! I have it on good authority, that some of them actually hum their way through the dawn hours and greet a new day with a spring in their step. It’s HORRIFYING!!! I didn’t believe it for years either, but trust me..these people are everywhere!

Then there’s me and my kind.

While the above mentioned anomalies emerge eagerly from their warm beds, I’m still blindly swatting toward the offensively obnoxious sound squawking at me from the direction of my alarm clock, in a desperate effort to hit the snooze alarm button for the first time. Somewhere in my sleep fogged brain, I delude myself into believing that if I can just go back to dreamland for another 9 minutes, I’ll be more ready to face the coming dawn. Alas, therein lies the problem. Whether I’ve had 2 hours of sleep or 10, I am never a happy camper when forced to wake up in the morning.

Try as it might, my brain just refuses to function at full capacity when a new day is dawning. It’s as if a switch has been thrown and the mind that was so active and productive from midnight to 3 am is now a totally different creature. To say I drag myself out of bed is probably being generous. It’s not pretty. I do a slow slide out of bed (or off the couch where I fell asleep around 3am) and then stumble toward the bathroom, usually stepping on a bone my dog has so thoughtfully left for me to find. As I start to hop on one foot and utter things that would make my Mama wash my mouth out with soap, I manage to stub the toe on my other foot against the door frame. Now that I’m limping, whimpering, and still bleary eyed, I somehow manage to navigate my way toward yet another morning in paradise to begin my day.

In an ever-increasing politically correct world where it’s considered rude to say or do anything that might offend anyone, I want to know where is the concern and compassion for those of us that hate mornings. Where is the justice and equality?? Where is the outrage for a good half of the population that is suffering?? Why are we, ones that thrive when the sun goes down, being discriminated against in such a cruel, cruel manner? I think I have an excellent case if I wanted to make the argument for discrimination against night owls.

Trust me, I know. All you chipper morning people are shaking your heads and thinking..”Why don’t all the non-morning people just get jobs that require working at night?” Problem solved! Right?? Wrong! Since the entire world basically functions on the insane scheduling of daytime hours, that just wouldn’t work. When we’re up and ready to go, you’re asleep and visa versa. Chaos would ensue, hell would surely freeze over if all the people who prefer the night and do their best work then tried to adjust their working hours around the time when they are most productive.

I’ve done a lot of thinking when I’m up and lucid in the middle of the night. I could be persuaded not to raise a ruckus and keep things civil if we all had a little more equity. So, I have a proposal to make.

Let’s split the difference.

Every six months, just like daylight savings time (and we know how well THAT works out), society switches schedules. Instead of everyone working 9-5, for half the year, everyone will work 9 PM until 5 AM. It’s only fair. Actually it’s more than fair. Think about it. Not only would the people who thrive at night be able to make up for their lack of sweetness and light when forced to get up early with enhanced productivity, but the morning people would STILL get to see their sunrise, it would just be at the END of the workday rather than at the beginning!!

I know, I know..I’m brilliant! You’re asking yourself why I didn’t come with this idea sooner.

We’ll blame it on the mornings. Just imagine what I could up with when I’m actually awake!!

Some of you are aware that I have a certain affection for a damned Yankee and regularly immerse myself in travels to the great north for an infusion of ummm..Northern hospitality (yeah, we’ll go with that for now). I realize that male/female interactions in and of themselves can be a bit of a challenge under the best of circumstances..throw in a few regional and cultural differences and it’s not only like we are from Mars and Venus, but from different galaxies altogether. (mine, of COURSE, being the totally normal, sane universe and his being full of nuts, but I digress)

Now, while I can be and often am, an intellectual snot in regard to grammar or in my manner of speech, there are times..albeit few and far between..when my Southern roots and upbringing take over. (I know, it’s a great shock…stick with me on this) It seems that when I get excited, agitated or irritated, I can become a tiny bit regional in the way I express myself. Apparently during these times, I might have an itty bitty tendency to utter a phrase or two that those living above the Mason Dixon line do not employ in their day-to-day communications.

I know, I know!! It’s hard to imagine, but amazingly true. Different areas of the country have trouble understanding the true meaning behind some of our more beloved Southern phrases. Personally, I think we are simply a descriptive, imaginative group of people who just choose to use particularly apt colorful words to express ourselves on occasion. I just don’t see where the confusion comes from. In my eyes, we’re very easy to understand! Fiddle-dee-dee!

I always know that I’ve managed to befuddle the poor man and crossed the communication great divide when I hear a silence on the other end of the phone line, or when I’ve sent a text message and finally get a reply questioning my sanity. Of course, to be fair, he tends to question my sanity with frequent regularity even when I’m making perfect sense. If I’m being totally honest, I will admit that at times (not often, mind you), when I’m visiting New York and Connecticut..I “might” turn on my Southerness a bit more, just for effect. I can’t help it, Yankees are so much fun to play with. It becomes almost a challenge to take some of the stoic out of those that need a stick-ectomy (for those of you that can’t figure that one out, it encompasses taking the stick out of one’s butt and learning to laugh at one’s self rather than being so serious all the time). Besides, I’m constantly fielding requests when there to just “say something” so they can hear my “cute little accent”. So, being the polite compliant belle I am..I oblige them in my own sweet little innocent way! Bless their hearts.

So, I send a perfectly innocent little text message to the Connecticut Yankee..something along the lines of..” I swanny (and yes that actually IS a word, albeit a Southern one, you Yankee smartass..she says with great affection) I am going to have to kill you yet..wink”

Okay, that isn’t along the lines of, that IS the actual text message. There is silence for about 5 minutes, then I get this in return from said Yankee..

“What the HELL kind of word is that??”

I then had to send the definition of the word “swanny”, using it in what I thought was a great sentence that entailed describing a certain body part that can be truthfully declared as something I find VERY appealing. For those of you that don’t know, the definition of swanny is to declare, affirm or swear something. I’ll let y’all use your massive imaginations to fill in the blanks about the actual content of my text or to construct your own sentences…I don’t text and tell.

It must take very little to amuse me, because I was literally laughing out loud (and not in an emoticon type of way), but rather in a manner that made everyone on the train from the airport look at me like I had lost my mind. I hate to tell them, but I misplaced any sanity I had a long, LONG time ago and have found I don’t miss my mind at all anymore. I’m better off without it and fixin’ to get even more outrageous with age. I want to be a “character” when I grow up. (i.e.-“She’s a real character, isn’t she?”)

Now I ask you…if you heard these phrases, wouldn’t they bring to mind a picture that is MUCH more descriptive and easy to understand than conventional speech? Here is just a small sampling of a few things you might hear come from a Southerners mouth…

“she was as ugly as the backside of a barn”… or

“you look like you’ve been ridden hard and put up wet”…

“It smells like something done crawled up here and died!” or

“that girl needs some meat on her bones, bless her heart”…

“we’re smack dab in the middle of something good”

“That’s about as useful as a trap door on a canoe!”

“You look about as happy as a tick on a fat dog.”

“He’s busier than a one-legged man at a butt kickin’ contest!”

“Don’t you piss on my leg and tell me it’s rainin’!”

“Excuses are like backsides. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.”

“You could start an argument in an empty house.”

“That boy’s more slippery than snot on a glass doorknob”

“If his brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose”

“You could start an argument in an empty house.”

********************************************************************

I know, by now you’re all fit to be tied and bless your hearts, probably in a tizzy..but butter my buns and call me a biscuit..I just don’t think this is such a conundrum. Dang, most of you are as wild as all get out and this ain’t your first rodeo..so go with the flow and get yourself all gussied up. Good Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, tomorrow is another day.

Don’t go throwing a hissy fit, it’s not worth getting in a pickle over! Daggumit, Lawd have mercy! Goodness gracious and shoot fire, it ain’t nothing that can’t be fixed with a glass of sweet tea…join me on the porch and we’ll mull it over. Butter would melt in my mouth when I set my mind to somethin’!

Have a good ‘un and y’all come back to see us, you hear?

Now I ask you…HOW simple is that?? It’s JUST plain boring English after all! Feel free to use any of the above “Southern-isms”. Don’t mind the occasional strange looks that might follow, they’re just jealous they aren’t so inventive and descriptive!

Tongue in cheek Disclaimer: No one living above the Mason Dixon line was targeted or harmed in the writing of this bit of fluff andit is all in fun. I happen to absolutely adore and delight in the differences of personality that all the regions in our country produce. It’s a small part of what makes life an interesting adventure.

(For the record, this particular bit of writing seemed to send spell check into a tizzy of its own, apparently IT doesn’t speak plain, simple English either!!)

I don’t mind getting wrinkles. The way I see it, wrinkles are just a natural part of going through life. I’ve earned the smile lines on my face from seeing the world through a slightly sarcastic wit and with humor. I’ve even earned a worry line or two as I’ve raised my children or navigated my way through any pitfalls and challenges I’ve encountered. I wear my wrinkles with pride.

I don’t even mind too much the fact that on some days my “get up and go” seems to have done “gone up and went” and left in its wake a sore muscle or two where previously I would have been none the worse for wear. I’ve found ways to work around sore backs or the occasional lack of energy when I’ve been overly ambitious and forgotten the day before that even though my mind still THINKS like a 20-year-old, my body works like a 40 something and will loudly let me know when I’ve done more than I should. I just plan for recovery time and keep the Tylenol handy as needed.

For the most part, I enjoy this stage of life very much.

What DOES bug the holy heck out of me, is not being able to SEE anymore!

I’ve never had great eyesight. I’ve been very nearsighted since 5th grade, a legacy from my Mom. I started wearing contacts in 6th grade and have never looked back (so to speak). The fact that I don’t have and will never have 20/20 vision has always just been a constant in my life and not such a big deal. I have slowly come to the growing realization over the past few years however, that I can no longer see anything right in front of my nose without wearing my Dollar Tree readers. I am officially now blind as a bat, without the benefit of sonar. It turns out that aging is not indeed for wimps.

Plainly put, if I manage to somehow wander out into the world without one of my several dozen pair of reading glasses close at hand, I’m a menace to society. At the very least, I’m prone to severe fubars when it comes to deciphering details on packages or when reading menus in restaurants. My grown children have many stories of horror where they have had to read menu selections to Mom in full view of the public.

Now, finally to my problem de jour. Texting.

I’m hip..I really REALLY am. (quit laughing) I was geeky when geeky wasn’t cool and have maintained my stellar dork status throughout my life by staying current with new technology. I twitter. I blog. I instant message with a favorite Yankee frequently. I get it. While I still enjoy reading an actual book over owning a Kindle or iPad, and on occasion still would rather compose an old-fashioned snail-mail letter or send a handwritten card vs. an e-card, I for the most part, love the convenience of all things electronic. I will admit that I do have my own way of doing things and might put my own twist on how I use all these “timesavers”. Nonetheless, I stay well versed in most of the newest and at times silliest trends and innovations that come down the proverbial pike.

Texting, however, has become quite a challenge at times. I sit and watch my kids as they text. The blur of their fingers as they massacre the English language in 160 characters or less, yet can still manage to broker world peace, carry on a verbal conversation AND order pizza at the same time, astounds me. Without a single thought or even a glance most of the time, they can fly on tiny keyboards of varying designs and most of the time, I can even make out the real meaning of what they meant to convey as pertinent information in their texts to me.

Here’s where my individuality (you do remember that dying trait, don’t you?) comes in. My phone has dual keyboards. I love the versatility and many possibilities of it. Not only do I have an actual numerical keyboard to make calls with, I also have a full QWERTY keyboard at the ready for texting or composing my version of War and Peace should I so choose to do so on the flea sized keys. Instead of using the itty bitty “full” size keyboard though, I prefer to use the wonders of “predictive text” instead when I send my pearls of wisdom, edicts from Mom, sarcastic thoughts or purely flagrant flirting out to the world.

This is where the problem begins.

It turns out to my absolute amazement, that predictive text, ISN’T really all that predictive when it comes to putting together words that actually make sense when composing a text message. Who knew?? Apparently everyone but me.

Obviously whomever predicted how most people speak was from Mars (or a man). They also were obviously in severe need of a Magic 8 ball if this is their version of prediction.

Call me crazy, but when I want the word “it” in a sentence, for some reason, I find no rhyme or reason as to why, my phone insists on putting “ht” in as what it THINKS I mean to say. HT isn’t a word in any language I’ve ever encountered, yet my SMARTphone, insists on putting it into everything I write. My shortcoming in not always having reading glasses around when I might need them (insert, all the time) means that anyone receiving my texts has to learn to decipher what I meant to say rather than the cryptic mess of characters they might actually receive. I choose to think of it as creating my own language. Heck, that’s what the kids do with LOL and LMAO and TTFN, so why can’t I invent “senior moment texting”?

Other common words that are likely to be inserted by mistake include, but are not limited to…”nope” for “more”, “of” rather than “me”, “tie” instead of “the” and the ever popular “duck” rather than, well you get the idea. Suffice it to say that I’ve discovered the HARD way that predictive text was not really designed with sexting in mind either.

Most of the time, the people I’m texting are either related to me or are as “mature” in years as I am and have known me a long time, so they are used to whatever might cross their screens and knows what I meant to say and interpret it pretty well. They already know that I use correct grammar and spelling in my texts because the teacher in me will not allow me to use “text-speak” with a clear conscious. Well, I TRY to use correct spelling and punctuation, when I can see what I’m doing and the crack predictive text will let me. On top of it all I think I must type with a Southern accent, so that might lead to a tad more confusion at times when colorful, apparently obscure (for Yankees anyway) phrases emerge from my brain.

Anyway, life goes on and I’m adapting in my own special way. I just simply pretend I MEANT to send whatever gibberish I convey and keep texting. After all, if I can’t dazzle ’em with brilliance, I’ll just baffle them with BS instead, as the saying goes.

One of these days they’ll invent a keyboard that isn’t meant for fingers the size of gnats and a TV sized screen for we baby boomers that might be becoming a bit challenged with our eyesight. That way we can see what we’re doing and keep up with each other and all these young whippersnappers that are coming along behind us.

To paraphrase a movie quote from Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes, “I’m older and I spend more money”!! I may also be a tad meaner, but that’s an issue for another day. There HAS to be a growing market for those of us that are slightly sight challenged by our years of experience. (we’ll go with that. See, I CAN be politically correct at times!)

As for the attempts at marketing a phone meant for MY parents, the Jitterbug is a dance, not a phone. Please don’t insult our intelligence, however fleeting it may be. I refuse to be uncool, even it if means I keep sending my own unique brand of communications via text. Perhaps my new way of text-speak will become an overnight sensation.

Once again with the turn of the calendar, it’s the day to celebrate all things Irish and in the process, all things green. Why Crayola alone makes 20 different green crayons in varying hues, so there must be something to all this green fever!

Our language is liberally seasoned with metaphors, idioms and phrases all revolving around our obsession with the color of money and luck.

We are taught that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, but the green green grass of home is a good thing.

You can turn green with envy when the green eyed monster rears it’s ugly head.

Dr. Seuss pointed out that despite Sam I Am’s obsession with Green eggs and ham, that it’s probably not going to be a hot seller on the menu at IHOP or Waffle House anytime soon.

And while we’re waxng poetic about the green green grass of home and how green the valley and we play on fields of green.

We don’t know for sure, but it’s entirely possible that the Green Eyed Lady of Sugarloaf song fame…

”Green eyed lady, ocean lady…
Soothing every wave that comes” …just might have been Green around the gills if she were also prone to seasickness beside that ocean.

You can be a greenhorn, have a green thumb, or wait in the green room if you are a celebrity. You can get a green light to proceed in life or traffic. We love to have plenty of greenbacks in our pocket, especially in this economy.

According to Celtic myths, the Green Man was the God of Fertility. (I wonder if they had green M&M’s back then…)

Green has long been considered a metaphor and symbol for fertility and this was evident in the fifteenth (15th) century as Green was the preferred color for wedding attire.

The symbolism attached to the color Green continues to this day even though it has now taken on more modern meanings.

For instance, did you know that green M&M’s have long been the subject of myth as they are considered, by some, to have magical aphrodisiac powers? As to whether or not this is true is, of course, subject to interpretation, but I for one, always save the green M&M’s to eat last, just for luck. Apparently others must do the same thing because in 1996, a commercial was released that asked “Is it true what they say about green ones?”

Hey, can’t hurt to try and M&M’s are MUCH cheaper than oysters or that famed little blue pill (not to mention less slimy!). There is also the extra added benefit that if this rumor isn’t true, you still have chocolate to console yourself with. “Melts in your mouth and not in your hands” might not just be a slogan! I’m just sayin’….

Perhaps that why Kermit was always lamenting that “It ain’t easy being green” and explains why Ms. Piggy was always in hot pursuit of his cute little green tooshie. He is, after all, the very essence and symbol of fertility and the perfect aphrodisiac personified in amphibian form. I ask you, how could a mere female pig be expected to resist that??

Green occupies more space in the spectrum visible to the human eye than most colors, and is second only to blue as a favorite color. Green is the pervasive color in the natural world, making it an ideal backdrop in interior design because we are so used to seeing it everywhere.

A few fun facts all surrounding the color green that you might not know…

Interesting information about green:

Green was the favorite color of George Washington, the first President of the United States.

The color green signifies mystical or magical properties in the stories of King Arthur.

Green is one color that means “low” or “guarded” in the color-coded threat system established by presidential order in March 2002. This system quickly informs law enforcement agencies when intelligence indicates a change in the terrorist threat facing the United States.

Green is the color used for night-vision goggles because the human eye is most sensitive to and able to discern the most shades of that color.

Bright green is the color of the astrological sign “Cancer.”

Green ribbons have been used by a range of environmental groups to symbolize organ donation and transplant, awareness of Bipolar Disorder, solidarity with Chechnya, and support of farmers in America.

NASCAR racers have shared a bias against the color green for decades. Reportedly, it began after a 1920 accident in Beverly Hills, California, that killed defending Indianapolis 500 champion Gaston Chevrolet. It was the first known racing accident in the United States to kill two drivers, and Chevrolet reportedly was driving a green car. Tim Richmond once refused to drive a car sponsored by Folger’s decaffeinated coffee because the primary color was green. He wound up in the Folger’s regular coffee car – and its red scheme. But the fear of green cars is fading, primarily because sponsors are willing to pay $15 million to splash their colors on a race car. Green is now the primary color of cars driven by Mayfield, Marlin, and J.J. Yeley.

Green in athletics and sports:

In auto racing, a green flag signals the start or resumption of a race.

The green belt in Judo symbolizes green trees. Just as a green tree is the tallest living thing, so should our own pursuit of knowledge be, aiming high and keeping the goal of our achievement (top of the trees) in high esteem.

Green as a signature color:

Kermit the Frog

Companies or brands identified primarily with green:

H&R Block

BP

Heineken

Starbucks

The Masters Golf Tournament

Rolling Rock

Garnier Fructis

John Deere

What it says about you when you buy a green vehicle…

There is no question that the vehicle you drive is an extension of your personality — an unspoken, but clear message to the rest of the world.

The message you send by driving a vehicle that is Dark Green: Traditional, trustworthy, well-balanced.

If, however, your vehicle is a Bright Yellow-Green, you give a different impression: Trendy, whimsical, lively.

The color green is said to affect us physically as well in these ways:

Soothes

Relaxes mentally, as well as physically

Helps alleviate depression, nervousness, and anxiety

Offers a sense of renewal, self-control, and harmony

Green is the color of the Heart Chakra, also known as Anahata.

This chakra is located at the center of the chest area and is linked to the heart, lungs, circulatory system, cardiac plexus, and the complete chest area.

The Heart Chakra bridges the gap between the physical and spiritual worlds. Opening the Heart Chakra allows a person to love more, empathize, and feel compassion.

Gemstones that will aid the Heart Chakra include jade and malachite.

And finally, just so we don’t leave anyone out…

Green around the globe:

Green is used worldwide to represent safety.

In several religions, green is the color associated with resurrection and regeneration.

In Ghardaia and other parts of M’zab, houses painted in green indicate that the inhabitants have made a pilgrimage to Mecca.

Green, blue-green, and blue are sacred colors in Iran, where they symbolize paradise.

As the emblematic color of Ireland, green represents the vast green hillsides, as well as Ireland’s patron saint, St. Patrick.

In Japan, green is regarded as the color of eternal life.

In Aztec culture, green was considered to be royal because it was the colour of the quetzal plumes used by the Aztec chieftains.

The solid green flag of Libya is currently the only national flag of a single color.

In China, jade stones represent virtue and beauty.

In Portugal, green is the color of hope because of its associations with spring.

In the highlands of Scotland, people used to wear green as a mark of honor.

There is a superstition that sewing with green thread on the eve of a fashion show brings bad luck to the design house.

I don’t know about you, but I’m going out to buy a ton of M&M’s and test the theory. Personally given the whole aphrodisiac thingy, I’m thinking we should all dye ourselves green for the day. Hey, if it works for Kermit, who are we to argue with success??

Wishing you a rainbow
For sunlight after showers—
Miles and miles of Irish smiles
For golden happy hours—
Shamrocks at your doorway
For luck and laughter too,
And a host of friends that never ends
Each day your whole life through!

A budget of 3.6 TRILLION dollars was passed yesterday on Capitol Hill.

We pledged to contribute to another TRILLION dollars to the IMF at the G-20 summit.

We are throwing hundreds of billions of dollars each week, it seems, to BAIL-OUT (not recovery and re-investment) yet another company that is deemed “too big to fail”. In the process, we are now also seeing the government step into the fray in the attempt to legislate the salaries of private citizens.

Our calculators do not even go up to a trillion.

We are throwing around money like it’s a bizarre monopoly game and it’s not real to any of us. It’s so far out of the realm of imagining for any average/normal American, that it’s like dealing in fantasy. I’m not sure that even the politicians doling out our grandchildren’s future have any true concept of the true amount involved. It’s mind boggling to even consider.

…and yet, we “spend” (at least on paper) more and more each day to “solve” our problems. Nevermind the problems that we are creating in the process. The current theory is that we’ll deal with those potential problems when we have to.

It seems that Scarlett O’Hara’s reasoning has taken over Washington and the Congress and administration, along with many Americans, are now thinking…

“Oh, I can’t think about this now! I’ll go crazy if I do! I’ll think about it tomorrow. But I must think about it. I must think about it. What is there to do? What is there that matters? After all, tomorrow is another day!”

To put the concept of exactly how much a TRILLION dollars is into perspective, here are 15 Trivia facts about what that amount of “play” money could do…

A trillion dollars, in one-dollar bills, lined up end to end, can circle the earth about 3800 times.

A trillion dollars, single-stacked in one-dollar bills, would stand about 679,000 miles high; almost three times farther than the moon.

A trillion dollars worth of pennies, stacked in a single stack, would reach about 79,000,000 miles high; over three-quarters of the distance to the sun.

A trillion dollars, laid out flat with one-dollar bills, would cover an area of nearly 4000 square miles; nearly enough to cover the state of Delaware, not once, but twice; and it could cover Washington D.C. with about 2 1/2 inches of one-dollar bills.

A trillion dollars, strung end to end across the United States and stacked in a single-line stack, would build a wall 115 feet high across the country.

A trillion dollars, even in 100 dollar bills, stacked in a single stack, would reach over 6700 miles high.

A trillion dollars, in 100 dollar bills, lined up end to end, would circle the globe about 39 times.

To spend a trillion dollars in one year, you would have to spend $2,739,726,027.39 each and every day.

To spend a trillion dollars in ten years, you would have to spend $273,972,602.73 each and every day.

To spend a trillion dollars in an average lifetime (72 years), you would have to spend $38,051,750.38 each and every day.

The weight of a trillion dollars, in one-dollar bills, is about 1,093,750 tons; about as much as 15 Queen Elizabeth II cruise ships (Gross Tonnage).

A trillion dollars in one-dollar bills would take about 32,000 years to count, assuming a counting rate of a dollar per second, and counting for 24 hours each day, seven days a week. No food, no sleep, no breaks.

A trillion dollars in one-dollar bills, placed on the center line of America’s nearly 4 million miles of roadways in a single-line stack, would create a stack over 1 1/2 inches thick, or 38 layers.

A trillion dollars could purchase over 3 million of the most expensive Rolls Royce autos.

A trillion dollars could purchase over 2.5 million of the most expensive Lamborghini sports cars.

Money, Money, Money by Abba

I work all night, I work all day, to pay the bills I have to pay
Ain’t it sad
And still there never seems to be a single penny left for me
That’s too bad
In my dreams I have a plan
If I got me a wealthy man
I wouldn’t have to work at all, I’d fool around and have a ball…

Money, money, money
Must be funny
In the rich man’s world
Money, money, money
Always sunny
In the rich man’s world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things I could do
If I had a little money
It’s a rich man’s world

A man like that is hard to find but I can’t get him off my mind
Ain’t it sad
And if he happens to be free I bet he wouldn’t fancy me
That’s too bad
So I must leave, I’ll have to go
To Las Vegas or Monaco
And win a fortune in a game, my life will never be the same…

Money, money, money
Must be funny
In the rich man’s world
Money, money, money
Always sunny
In the rich man’s world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things I could do
If I had a little money
It’s a rich man’s world

It’s a rainy Thursday here in Georgia and as I peruse the latest headlines, it seems as if absurdity is, as usual, running rampant. What would we do without a little comic relief to make the world a little more interesting place to live in?

Remember, the truth IS truly stranger than fiction!! (or as we say in the South, “You can’t make this sh*t up!!)

One of my favorite stories this week comes from Florida. A woman called 911 in a panic. Apparently she locked herself INSIDE her car and was starting to get “all woozie and stuff” because it was hot and she couldn’t get out. According to her, the car wouldn’t start and nothing electrical would work!!

I give kudos to the emergency operator for being able to handle this potentially tragic situation without collapsing from laughter. She managed to guide the poor soul through manually unlocking her door and the woman was able to escape the death trap of her own car!! Crisis averted! Start the blonde jokes now, regardless of the color of her hair.

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A totally “normal” gentleman in Britain was caught naked at a beauty spot with a flashlight stuck up his rear. told cops he was DEPRESSED. Herbert Boothroyd, 61, said he had wanted to “cheer himself up”. (UP being the operative word) As two women passed, he continued cheering himself UP and waved hello. He later also exposed himself to two teenage boys as he sat completely naked on a park bench. Mr. Boothroyd was spared jail time however, because the police say he came clean about having the flashlight and stick up his backside, citing depression as he confessed to his transgressions. He got probation for 2 years and was ordered to attend a sex offenders group.

Personally I think he should have been banned from hardware stores as well. He seems to take the term “hardware” to a whole ‘nother level of interpretation. Something like a kid in a candy store perhaps? No telling what he might find to relieve himself next time he’s a bit down in the dumps. (pun intended)

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Back we go to Florida for another sign of the dumbing down of society in general. In the town of Umatilla, a 37 year old woman was arrested after being accused of beating her 69 year old boyfriend in the head while he was in the shower. According to the police report, the boyfriend was taking a shower at the Umatilla home when Sandy Jo ripped the shower curtain off the rod and began screaming at him, accusing him of having an affair with another woman. He didn’t report the incident for a couple of days (ummm..perhaps because he had been beaten up by a girl AND caught having an affair??) As she was taken off to jail, Sandy Jo said she should have hit him harder and was going to get even with him for cheating AND for having her arrested.

I’m betting Viagra had a little something to do with a 69 year old male not only playing house with a psychotic 37 year old, but also feeling cocky enough to bump boots with another woman as well. Moral of the story? Don’t come home drinking and cheatin’ with lovin’ on your mind! (Or take a shower without an armed guard)

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It seems as if there has to be a condition or acronym for everything these days. Apparently it’s not good enough anymore to be a nymphomaniac, now you have PSAS or as it’s more commonly known, Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome. Men, I’m sorry, you can’t claim this syndrome, it’s exclusively a woman thing (as if we need one more thing!) Of course, I’m sure men everywhere will now try to benefit and form support groups to “comfort” and be there for any woman afflicted with this condition. Y’all are good like that.

This alarming condition (that wasn’t “discovered” until 1991?) is one that causes some women to live perpetually at the brink of orgasm. I saw it described as absolutely “nightmarish”, I guess by the women, but I suppose the men that had to service them might find it a bit taxing at times too. I have a hard time thinking that the men would describe it as a nightmare..maybe a dream cum true instead?

Two thoughts come to mind…well, to MY mind anyway.

One, maybe the men that take Viagra and have the dreaded erections that last for more than 4 hours (or priapism) should be matched with women that “suffer” from PSAS. Problem solved.

Two, if you have this condition, I’d buy stock in the Dollar Tree. Just the “up” surge in battery sales from taking care of this would ensure a massive rise in their bottom line! In both cases, my ideas would at the very least keep everyone going and going and going! 😉

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The much maligned Washington, DC school districts are not doing their own image any good. They just can’t help shooting themselves in the foot. Oh wait though, aren’t guns outlawed in DC? I digress, back to the school system.

The school board came out this week with new tougher guidelines for the school dress code. They REALLY mean it this time too! Are they bringing in school uniforms? Oh no! Hats, see-through clothes and accessories with protruding metal spikes are some of the items that are prohibited in the expanded policies. The new policy does NOT however, allow officials to suspend students who do not comply. Boy, that’s a policy with bite huh??

They did also say that school officials should be prepared to provide extra clothes for those that cannot afford new ones. It specifies that it should be “gender neutral” clothing.

Personally I’m thinking if anyone wears clothes with metal spikes or that is see through, they should be REQUIRED to wear gender opposite clothing and be on display. A day of cross dressing just might make them think twice about their outfits in the future. On second thought, with today’s teenagers, it might start a trend. Never mind.

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With the world economy in the state it’s in, this story is absolutely “heartwarming” to those of us with college age kids. Colleges in the South have always been notoriously competitive. Everyone knows that you don’t mess with the SEC when it comes to college football!!

Alabama and Auburn are fighting for the title of most likely to raise tuition this year.

Auburn trustees announced that they spent $500,000 this fiscal year to fly administrators and trustees on their TWO private corporate jets to wherever the heck they flew them to. (Important football games and such I’m sure)

Alabama couldn’t quite match their feat. They only have one jet (must be because football probation cut into their income the past few years), so they were only able to waste…ummmm, spend…30,500 in travel and their trustees were rarely on board for any flights.

These are two universities we are trusting to turn out the future fiscally responsible leaders for the coming years. With these stellar examples being set by their bastions of higher education, what could go wrong??

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Last but certainly not least, a little advice for the men from a couple of newly completed studies that have recently published their results. (I can’t believe our tax money actually pays for some of this) Okay, here we go…

First..if you’re bald, there is now proof that you aren’t scoring as often as your counterparts with hair. MEN with a full head of hair are five times more likely to get a date than those who are thinning on top, a study shows.

This study was conducted by posting identical profiles on an online dating site where the only difference was the photo of the male. One photo showed a male with a full head of hair, the other with the same male sans hair. Over the next two months, the profile with hair received 108 replies, while the bald counterpart only had 22 responses. An expert in such things has suggested that it might be attributed to the fact that hair is associated in nature and history with virility. (think Samson in the Bible) Take it with a grain of salt (or a wig)

Study #2 pertains to a sense of humor. Having trouble getting the ladies to fall into your bed? Try cracking a few jokes!! I kid you not!!! (nudge, nudge…get it??).

It has been shown and allegedly proven (at least a time or two) that funny men laugh ladies into bed because they’re seen as ‘more intelligent’. A study has found that a sense of humor “makes men seem more intelligent, trustworthy, and a better bet for a relationship”. Imagine that!

Personal ads were drawn up for the study and women were asked to rate them and choose the men they would most likely answer or want to date. The men that showed a sense of humor in their ads were rated as more intelligent, despite the fact that the ads contained no clues as to their IQ. They were also seen as more honest and better material for a relationship and for friendship.

So, in closing…I conclude that all is not lost for anyone that might be starting to thin on top or be completely bald. The answer is obvious! If you’re not getting laid, rent some 3 Stooges videos and brush up on your yuck (as in HA, HA) factor. (as opposed to an actual yuck, stalkerish or unfaithful qualities of course, those personality quirks just might get you arrested or beaten up by your girlfriend rather than laid ..reference story #1) I’m thinking that sense of humor would trump the bald study thingy hands down. Problem solved for all!

Hmmmm…maybe I should receive a grant for doing a remarkably exhaustive “study” and giving such sage excellent advice that solves all of our dating woes!! After all, I’m worth it!

A Stupid Person’s Guide to Online Flirting 101

(Disclaimer: Not meant for the Habitual Collector of Conquests…Players Are On Their Own When It Comes To Making Total Fools of Yourself and Others)

Flirting has apparently become a lost art. While it’s true that some still appreciate and know how to employ the subtle nuances and intricate dance of approaching someone in a flattering and intriguing manner, of knowing that less is indeed more…it appears more and more as I look around, that flirting is quickly approaching being added to the endangered relationship quality control list. Admittedly..flirting, if done correctly, is a little more difficult. It takes time and thought to actually summon up some imagination, rather than to act like a lounge lizard or truck stop Sally in heat sweet talking as many potential play buddies as you can at one time in the hopes that possibly ONE of them might swallow your lines.

This applies to both women and men. While it’s true, a lot of men would be receptive to a woman offering themselves to them, the old adage is also true. Men do indeed love to date fast women, but when it comes to taking them seriously for anything long term, most will still pick someone that can be a tiger in the bedroom, but one that can be a lady when needed in public. Many women seem to equate a man’s interest in sleeping with them as true love.

I’m sorry to burst your passion bubble, and this really applies to men and women both as well, but having sex with someone and expecting them to fall madly in love with you simply BECAUSE you’ve shared your body with them, is doing the whole relationship thingy backwards and is totally unrealistic. While I’m sure some of you ladies can indeed suck the chrome off a trailer hitch or that you gentlemen are literal non-stop jackhammers of passion, after the sex is over, there has to be more there. You might ACTUALLY have to talk to the other person or deal with life issues.

So, here are a few suggestions at online flirting do’s and don’ts…in no particular order. There are also a few embedded comments in bold that I’ve actually received over time from those that are under the illusion that they might be Don Juan reincarnated. Suffice it to say, none of them elicited more than an eye roll. Trust me, some of this I couldn’t make up if I tried.

1. The first key to successful flirting is not an ability to show off and impress, but the knack of conveying that you like someone. If your ‘target’ knows that you find him or her interesting and attractive, he or she will be more inclined to like you. The wrong way to do this is to send a message such as “you so hot love to poor warm fudge all over you yum I like to add you to my friends list so we can chat.” Now while the warm fudge sounds appealing if you’re offering to buy me ice cream..coming from a total stranger, it will just make most roll their eyes or laugh outloud.

2. Effective flirting really is a skill that requires you to be confident without being over the top. If you overstep your boundaries, it’s very likely that the lady will think that you are “slimy”. If you hold back, it’s probable that she’ll find you “wimpy”. Ladies, the line that you’re walking should be somewhere between “slutty” and “nun like”. Aim for the middle ground. Do not begin contact with someone new by sending them a lovely picture of your meat mallet or love pillows and expect anyone that isn’t pay-by-the-hour, ripe for sexually transmitted diseases, or looking for the affection (insert potential stalker here) they were denied as a child to respond in a serious manner. Do not get offended if there are those that instead of ignoring you, point out your shortcomings or sag-ability factor. You asked for it.

3. Ooze confidence (and no other bodily fluids). Successful flirts have a positive outlook on life. You need to transmit that “feel good” factor. No one wants to pay attention if you’re always screaming that the sky is falling or that someone peed on your parade.

4. Don’t be rude. Flirting does not give you the right to be sexually explicit nor does it mean that you should take offense if your target doesn’t respond favorably to you. If they isn’t interested in your particular way of wooing, save yourself the trouble and move on to your next prospect. If you find that you’re receiving many rejections, you will want to reconsider your approach. Bottom line is, if you wouldn’t say it in real life to someone of the opposite sex, it’s not appropriate or appealing online simply because you’re pulling out your male whore or female slut side and letting it rule and you think it doesn’t count because you’ll probably never see them face to face. Or if you do end up bumping uglies, that you’d never have to see them again.

5. Sincerely compliment something that interests you about them. If you are truly interested in someone, there will be something nice that you can find to say and mean it without using empty words. This is an example of one such approach that starts out okay (for the most part), but then crashes and burns in a spectacular. “My name is Clint. I’m not sure how to say this but Ill just do what I always do, speak my mind.. I think you are a very sensual and sexual Lady. I don’tmean to be vulgar or offend you in any way but d*mn babe I would so love to taste you. Have a great day.”

Take note…apologizing before or after an inappropriate comment is like closing the barn door after the horse has already been knocked up…not worth much. An apology for saying something you already know is wrong is just stupid and shows that you have no concept of what is appealing or not to the opposite sex.

While we’re on the subject, it’s probably also not a good idea to mention your spouse (wife or husband) in a complimentary message to someone you want to impress. For example…”i wish my wife had a body like you let me say you have a fit body i think you exercise every day.” *rolling my eyes* (See “being a sleeze” above)

6. When you decide to flirt or flat out present yourself to someone new as one that might be interesting or of worth, find a spell-checker or get someone that has a passing relationship with grammar to proof-read it for you. Nothing is less appealing than appearing to be ignorant, whether you really are or not. An example…”Eyes closed:-$,heart beating fast8-}…..arms trightly held around ur body pressed mine…>:D<….slowly gently ur sweet lips brush with mine:-*:x:x“.

Bonus tip: Try to actually spell out words without using chat abbreviations and remember if you’re not talking on messenger, those “cute” little emoticon things just look ridiculous if typed out in a message…especially coming from a total stranger.

7. While I know it’s tempting and fairly easy, especially online, to find one babe/hunk you like and then go through their entire list of friends, putting the same smarmy comment on every hot person’s page you see and begging them to add you because THEY are the one…the epitome of everything you find attractive in a potential conquest…it’s just not very smart and makes you look lazy and/or insincere! *gasp!!* I know, I know…it’s hard to believe that ANYONE online wouldn’t be totally sincere with each and every syllable typed, but yes, I hear it does happen. Not that I’VE personally ever seen it, maybe it’s an urban legend, right along with the fact that pigs don’t fly and that sarcasm isn’t a form of communication and conveys true feelings. If you must go through lists, mining for your targets, at least be original when you post comments. I know it’s hard to believe, but your victim, “might” actually notice a pattern.

8. Humor IS sexy. Not just the forwarding of jokes, but things that show you have a personality or the ability to laugh at yourself. Humor and flirting go hand in hand, just like peanut butter and jelly. You can’t have one without the other. If you’re too intense all the time, that’s a red flag, not a sign of your devotion.

I, of course, am the exception to this rule. After I had to put to rest that NASTY online rumor that I was FUN or that I had a sense of humor (can you imagine someone saying such things about me??) a few weeks back, I can’t afford to have that misconception get started again!! I mean imagine, me?? Fun??? Just ask the Yankee. *wink*

9. Don’t try so hard. There are times when hard is a good thing *wink*..but when you’re flirting, that’s not it. Men or women, when trying to crawl over each other to outslut each other with comments or pictures, just shows that you must be lacking in one or more areas of your life. While I know the reasons some give on here for using fake pictures, none of them hold water. I don’t care if you are worried about someone stealing your picture, put one up of your face that’s not anything you’d be ashamed of someone you know seeing, then if someone uses it, so the hell what? The world will still be spinning tomorrow. It’s just not that big of a deal unless you make it a big deal. Of course, some want the attention of crying foul and getting sympathy.

If you’re butt ugly, but speaking as if you’re God’s Gift to the opposite sex, that’s just false advertising. If you’re that ashamed of yourself, then retreat back into real life and quit leading people on.

The “I have an important job and/or don’t want to take the chance of compromising myself” or “I’ll send it privately because I don’t want anyone to see me” excuse is just pathetic. First of all, you’re just not that important. Secondly, the FBI may indeed wander through here, but it’s highly unlikely you’ll catch their eye unless you’re a 10 most wanted, in which case, your picture is already displayed at the Post Office. I hear these excuses and automatically think…married or hiding from something/someone or a coward.

Obviously I don’t think that tasteful sexy pictures are a bad thing or a bad way of flirting, just remember the basic guidelines…less is more..always leave ’em wanting more, discretion is a good thing, and imagination is always more sexy than the in your face plopping of the boob=age or sausage up front like the blue plate special of the day. That leaves no room for building anticipation and you may just find that first sight is more than enough to make someone positive you’re NOT the “one” from the unattractive appearance of your pride and joy(s). Oh, it might be wise to remember that it’s possible your boss, parents, children, or neighbors just might end up seeing more of you than you’d intended.

10. You only get one chance to make a first impression..make it a good one. Ask questions to show your interest that don’t include wanting to know the size of their ummmmmm…hands or feet…or how many midgets could fit in their bra. (trying to guess cup size for a prize, does not count as a good question).

Use respect and manners. If you wouldn’t approach a total stranger face to face and ask or say something, assume it’s probably not going to get you laid or make you into an instant sex symbol here either unless you find someone that is willing to play you as well. In that case, as long as there is full disclosure on both sides of the intention to bat each other around like mice in heat, by all means…proceed with my blessing. Use each other until someone easier comes along.

If you can’t say something nice, don’t say it at all. Contrary to popular belief, insulting someone to get their attention is probably not the best form of foreplay. I could be wrong though, there are many kinky things that appeal to the masses these days that I’m obviously not privy to, nor do I want to be.

I was going to stop at 10, but here’s one Bonus…

11. When attempting to flirt…do not…I repeat, DO NOT, bug the sh*t out of someone with a million messages. If they reply politely to one with a nice “no thank you”, then don’t continue to pursue them. It makes you look like a stalker and just isn’t very flirty. There isn’t much in this life worse than a pest. This will start to fall into the annoying category if continued. In that case, the “stalkee” has every right to abandon all manners and let you have it with both barrels rather than with what you’re asking for. Persistence in the face of some expression of interest, is okay. Sometimes people don’t pay attention right away. When persistence turns to obsession, then it’s pretty much a turn off. (or a felony) While one message is good, 50 is NOT more better. (yes, I DID write it that way on purpose, for effect…geez)

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Flirting is what makes love or the possibility of love/lust/friendship exciting…whether you’re married and flirting with a spouse, harmlessly flirting with a friend or single and looking. The ability to flirt is the single most important love life skill that every person needs to master. When you are a true Flirt at heart, you can have the love life of your dreams for the rest of your life. Or you may simply get to experience some smiles and enjoy the inner workings of someone else’s personality and thought processes. To some flirting comes naturally. To others, it’s a bit more work and effort to pull it off. The rewards are worth it. Slow down and TRY to use a little common sense and imagination.

~Kath~

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~All really great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction.~ Marya Mannes