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NEW RULES STARTING NOW ON THIS BLOG YOU MAY ATTACK ME. LEAVE ANY COMMENT YOU WANT DIRECTED AT ME. YOUR FREE TO EXPRESS YOURSELF. I WILL NOT DELETE IT.
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(Please accompany your Children while here this is still an adult humor blog)

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Saturday Snickers

When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter. During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked. Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first." +*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ In the early 60s I was assigned to the 55th Air Rescue Squadron at Prestwick, Scotland. In the interest of community relations, we had a gathering of Scottish people as guests in our club. I noticed an older lady with an empty glass and asked her if I could get her another drink. She said, "Yes, please, I'm drinking Gin and Sweet Vermouth. Please ask the barman not to put any ice in it, it's giving me heartburn." ~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade. In this manner, he traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me. And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an "epiphany", a moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear. Yes, hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do... Quit drinking before noon. +*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ One guy was explaining to his friend how the life often compensates for a person's natural deficiencies. "You see," he said, "If someone is a bit blind he might have a very good sense of hearing, or if his sense of taste has gone, he may have a keen sense of smell." "I agree with you," said the other. "I've always noticed that if a woman has one small breast , the other one is always just that little bit larger." ~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#There was this guy who went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. First off the dentist said, "I'll give you a shot to numb your jaw." But the guy said, "No, please don't do that, I'm afraid of needles." The dentist said, "OK, I'll get out the gas to put you to sleep." However the guy said, "Nope, I'm allergic to the gas." So the dentist said, "Just a minute, I'll go look for something else." After awhile he came back with a couple of pills. The guy asked, "What kind of pills are those?" The dentist said, "Viagra." The guy said, "WHAT! Why these?" The dentist said, "They won't help the pain, but they'll give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth. ~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said, "But you just got a new pair last month!" "Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident," stammered the private. "Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?" "No, no nothing of those..." said the private. "Well then, what is it?" "I'd rather not tell you sir..." "Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the medical officer, ready to stand up, "I've to see my patients now." "No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl," blurted the private. "Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?" "You see, she crossed her legs....." +*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband couldn't find any work. His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: "Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..." Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the black man coming over the top of the hill, who is stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill and lands at his feet! "Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home, while the Black man yells at him. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make some nachos. "But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things" she inquires? "No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message. As I ran home, I kept hearing Him yelling, "That's nacho cheese!" ~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#Weird Fact :In 1982, Larry Walters tied 24 weather balloons to his lawn chair in Los Angeles and climbed to an altitude of 16,000 feet+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, Cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining About being broke and not feeling well?~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today ? +*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ Weird Fact :According to research, the most productive workday is Tuesday and the least productive is Friday.~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#Weird Fact :18% of an Americans income is spent on transportation+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ Penny dropped in on her neighbor and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room. "What's wrong?" she asked. The neighbor told her that she had "morning sickness." Surprised, the neighbor said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant again!" "I'm not," the harried young woman replied, "I'm just sick of mornings." ~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#The softball game between members of our church and a local synagogue was tied until the bottom of the ninth inning, when our pastor hit the game winning home run. He jokingly attributed his success to the benediction he had given before the game. The following week we presented him with a trophy inscribed "Most Valuable Prayer."+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dog's cross- eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?" "Well" said the vet "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes. "Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down." "Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man. The vet answers, "No, because he's heavy."~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

Divorce laws can make you crazy. One state says you can't get a divorce unless you can prove adultery. That's weird. The Ten Commandments say you shouldn't, and the state says you have to.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ Q: What do you get when you cross a cat and a turkey? A: A pussy gobbler.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from playing bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. "Well, your honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, . . . if he could fuck, he could fly." +*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ A woman strode angrily into the large store and slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?" The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for 'cats'?" ~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly,"without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married." "Honey," he replied with a grin. "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"