Have to vent about DH. He's driving me a little crazy.

For the last few weeks, my DH (dear husband) and I have been in a funk and almost everything has been setting us off. Especially when it comes to stress from LO, who also seems to be in a funk probably from our moods. It's a viscious cycle.

The other day, we somehow got on the topic of our OAD decision and the reasons to support it and DH (dear husband) says "Well, I think the only way I would be okay with having a second baby is if one of us stays home and can be with them more." Which is a completely fine statement to make but I had to comment back that we seem to be having enough trouble with one at home as it is and we look forward to bedtime. And he replies with "well I think it would be different if we did it all the time." Okay, maybe, but I doubt it. It doesn't really make any sense to fantasize about something like that when it cannot be a reality because we need both incomes to pay our bills. It's not about sacrifice, it's about simple mathematics. Not enough input, too much output. And I know he would rather I stayed home because most fathers do, but my job is the one that provides our good benefits and he knows I'm not the type to be staying at home. Definitely not insulting anyone that is a SAHM (stay-at-home mom) but I know that I personally cannot handle it. I'd be ready to fly out the door solo as soon as DH (dear husband) gets home every day. Many other moms are much stronger than I.

It just bothered me. I know it shouldn't and I know I'm being an emotional trainwreck but I feel like he's playing mindgames with me. Like he really would rather have more kids and he's only going along with being OAD because we can't stay home with them.

TIA (thanks in advance) for letting me do this. I feel like I don't have many people to talk to these days.

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DS 07/12

When people ask me to do ridiculous things, I don't do them. Even if they're addicted to morphine.-MilaMeow

Comments (15)

i can actually relate in a way to some of your conversation. my DH (dear husband) and i both work full-time, and while that has worked really well with one child, i would not have wanted to work full-time with two kids.

my DD (dear daughter) gets a perfect amount of our time and attention with us both working full-time, but i don't think either kid would get enough attention if there were two.

so in my mind, the only way i would have been up for having another kid was if i could stay at home for 1-2 years with the new baby, which was realistically not going to happen for a variety of reasons.

when i see friends who work full-time having a second child, i am not envious at all, since i know i would not have wanted that for our family. but i have been envious of friends who stay at home and have another child, since that would have been my ideal for kid #2.

luckily, i am very happy and at peace with being OAD now, but just wanted to say that i do strongly relate to that issue. hope that makes sense.

It does, thank you! It's funny, hearing you say it sounds a lot better than DH (dear husband) because I know that both him and I are not "kid" people if that makes any sense. We were never the ones to offer to babysit my nephews before LO (little one) or get excited to play with the children at the party or anything like that. I think it just bothered me to hear him wish for it when we're just coming to peace with our situation. There are A LOT of different factors that go into our decision and I don't think getting hung up on stuff that we can't really change is a great idea. Our personalities, finances, goals...etc. Sorry...rambling...

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DS 07/12

When people ask me to do ridiculous things, I don't do them. Even if they're addicted to morphine.-MilaMeow

Maybe your husband feels frustrated about the situation too. He probably could have chosen his words a litte better, though! If you need your job for the benefits and wouldn't be able to pay all your bills on one income, it is rather pointless to fantasize about what life would be like if you could stay home. Maybe he feels bad that he doesn't make enough money on his own to support everyone. I think men feel this way more often than they will admit.

My husband and I both work full time, as well. Our main reason for being one and done is day care tuition. We can't afford two in day care at the same time. It would sink us. That is the main reason, but I also can't imagine trying to balance working full time with two kids. Most days I don't get home until around 5:45-6:00 due to commute. So I only get a few hours a day with him during the week. It would break my heart to have that precious little time cut even shorter. I know there are so many women who have a similar schedule who have 2-3 kids, but I don't know if I'm cut out for that. The three of us are happy with the way things are now. Even though I only get a few hours in the evening with my son, he gets plenty of attention from us because those two hours are usually filled with quality time together.

Maybe your husband feels frustrated about the situation too. He probably could have chosen his words a litte better, though! If you need your job for the benefits and wouldn't be able to pay all your bills on one income, it is rather pointless to fantasize about what life would be like if you could stay home. Maybe he feels bad that he doesn't make enough money on his own to support everyone. I think men feel this way more often than they will admit.

My husband and I both work full time, as well. Our main reason for being one and done is day care tuition. We can't afford two in day care at the same time. It would sink us. That is the main reason, but I also can't imagine trying to balance working full time with two kids. Most days I don't get home until around 5:45-6:00 due to commute. So I only get a few hours a day with him during the week. It would break my heart to have that precious little time cut even shorter. I know there are so many women who have a similar schedule who have 2-3 kids, but I don't know if I'm cut out for that. The three of us are happy with the way things are now. Even though I only get a few hours in the evening with my son, he gets plenty of attention from us because those two hours are usually filled with quality time together.

You're right, I think he definitely feels guilty he doesn't make enough. We've always been a more progressive family though in that the household chores are more evenly distributed between us and I never expect him to know how to do "manly" chores or be the breadwinner. Team effort! lol

Yes, daycare tuition x 2 would be impossible for us as well and our original plan (when we were still thinking of have 2) was to wait until our son was in kindergarten before putting a second one in daycare, but the idea of what we could accomplish and how much we could be saving has kind of trumped that. I also agree that trying to split your time with two or more children when you only see them for a couple of hours in the evening each day sounds like a nightmare. However, I do think it's interesting that you rarely hear about a working father having those concerns about seeing his family later at night with multiple children. It's usually always the mom guilt.

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DS 07/12

When people ask me to do ridiculous things, I don't do them. Even if they're addicted to morphine.-MilaMeow

I am going to say this...I think it's more about feeling trapped without options than it is about anything else. I relate because I've been there. It put everyone in a funk. You feel very stagnant and, well, trapped. It's hard to get out of and you fantasize about other options because it's your "out" even though it isn't realistic. It's tough for everyone.

I can totally relate. My husband would like one more, but like you said, we have trouble enough with one... and she's EASY! I'm also definitely not the stay at home mom type. I admire stay at home moms like you wouldn't believe, but it's just not me and I know that. Plus I make too much for it to ever make economic sense for me to quit my job, even if we did have 2 kids in day care. I don't really have any advice, but I get it. Hugs.

I don't mean to sound sexist here, but a lot of times men don't think about thinks logically with certain things. It sounds like he wants another child, and he's trying to think of a way to make you agree, or sway your opinion. I highly doubt he's thinking of the long term consequences to having two children. You are already arguing now (and I get it, DH (dear husband) and I do too.. ) and another baby on top of it isn't going to help. If you cannot afford two, you can't. No if's ands, or buts. My DH (dear husband) and I are the same. We both work full time. There is no way that I could stay home. We couldn't afford it, even without having to pay daycare. I make a LOT more money working than I would be worth at home. We'd struggle so bad.

I look forward to DD (dear daughter) being able to do the things she'd like to do because we aren't strapped and "sinking" with two kids. On top of everything, I just don't want two. Like you, I always thought I wanted two, until I had one. Hubby would have more in a heartbeat, but he doesn't think about the long term stress of that on our family. I think after much talking he's finally realized it.

I'd say you need to sit down and have another chat with your husband about his real feelings and see what's going on.

I definitely understand fantascizing about what could be. I do it too. I think what kind of annoys me is he implies that he could also stay home and everything would be just dandy, as if he doesn't struggle with our son's behavior, time management or sometimes staying patient. I know these are things we all struggle with from time to time, but I know he has trouble more than the average parent.

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DS 07/12

When people ask me to do ridiculous things, I don't do them. Even if they're addicted to morphine.-MilaMeow

I definitely understand fantascizing about what could be. I do it too. I thin...

Posted
05/01/2015

I definitely understand fantascizing about what could be. I do it too. I think what kind of annoys me is he implies that he could also stay home and everything would be just dandy, as if he doesn't struggle with our son's behavior, time management or sometimes staying patient. I know these are things we all struggle with from time to time, but I know he has trouble more than the average parent.

My husband wouldn't last more than a day as a SAHD.

When I was on maternity leave, I was alone. Always. I was so tired/hungry/dirty, that by the time he got in the door, I handed her directly to him. He used to get so pissed (and looking back, it was bad of me), but he recently told me after a day home with her when she was sick, that he understood why I did it. He just wanted time to himself. It's hard being "ON" all the time, and us women are better at it.

So if my hubby said "let's have another kid, i'll stay home!" I'd just have to laugh at him.

You're right, I think he definitely feels guilty he doesn't make enou...

Posted
05/01/2015

You're right, I think he definitely feels guilty he doesn't make enough. We've always been a more progressive family though in that the household chores are more evenly distributed between us and I never expect him to know how to do "manly" chores or be the breadwinner. Team effort! lol

Yes, daycare tuition x 2 would be impossible for us as well and our original plan (when we were still thinking of have 2) was to wait until our son was in kindergarten before putting a second one in daycare, but the idea of what we could accomplish and how much we could be saving has kind of trumped that. I also agree that trying to split your time with two or more children when you only see them for a couple of hours in the evening each day sounds like a nightmare. However, I do think it's interesting that you rarely hear about a working father having those concerns about seeing his family later at night with multiple children. It's usually always the mom guilt.

Same here....that was our original plan, too...wait until our son is out of day care before TTC (trying to conceive) #2. However, the thought of paying for 5 more years of day care after we just finished paying day care for our son makes me cringe! 10 years of paying for day care...yikes! And, on top of day care for #2, we have to pay for before/after school care for our son and summer camp. It's just going to be too much. Our savings account is pathetic, and we know we need to build that up.

Yes, and my husband doesn't feel the guilt about only getting two hours at night with our son like I do. Must be a woman thing!

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