Good Kisser will never be track one on any future Usher Best Ofs, but he’s done worse than this. One More Day’s good, and in 1995 it would’ve been a surefire Number One… yes, I know I’m suggesting it sounds a bit dated there. Fact is, it does, but it’s more retro than irrelevant. I don’t know when “X” replaced “and” or “featuring” in an artist’s credit, but I’m not sure I approve. The song’s good, but seriously, what the hell is going on in the video?

I don’t mind Make U Bounce, even if it is a bit silly. Oh… oh, this is unexpected. The same daft lyrics from Coldplay, but the tune’s actually quite good. I think Bono did the “walking down a busy street singing his song” bit better when he did I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For; this video feels a tad self-indulgent…. although you could argue that by their very nature, just about every music video ever is self-indulgent. Chandelier the song is good, but Chandelier the video is incredible. The dancer performs moves that disagree intensely with the laws of physics, not just once, but throughout the video. Amazing. It’s one thing to sing in a Transatlantic accent, but Iggy Azalea is Australian and raps with a full-on American accent. In general though, I honestly don’t know what to make of Problem.

Yup, I like Right Here. There are lots of things to dislike about Somebody To You; the repeated “yeah, YOU”s, Demi Lovato’s vocals being shadowed by the Vamps’s lead singer when really it should be her part, but look at what the Vamps have achieved in the last year – they’re going to look back on this when they’re ancient and think “how the hell did we luck out that much?” Also, the Vamps single is better than will.i.am’s, although I’m not entirely sure that will.i.am has a concept of “good” and “bad”; more a concept of “they went that far with their song, which means I can take my song about three miles further down the road and it’ll still work, probably.” It’s My Birthday was Number One the week before my own birthday, and to be honest I’m actually relieved as hell that this wasn’t the chart-topper to mark such a milestone.

Is Your Love the best thing Nicole Scherzinger’s released so far? You bet your life it is, but if you don’t want to bet your life there are cheaper options available. Rixton’s single is a hell of a lot better than I feared it might be too, they sound a bit Maroon 5ey, but good Maroon 5 rather than She Will Be Loved Maroon 5.

Well, this is interesting. I’m now 40 years old, and that was where the project should originally have ended. That was the plan, anyway – every single to reach the Top Ten during my lifetime and STOP THERE. As you can see, I stuck to the original plan like a limpet. God’s sake, Simon…