We are deep into the first year of the 2012 campaign — haha, only 18 more months to go! — and already the Republican Base is so depressed and disgusted by their awful slate of candidates that some experts believe the GOP won’t be able to get anyone to the polls, because of mass suicide and intentional Hoveround-Rascal collisions. This is what happened to Jesus’ dinosaurs, according to the Bible! And we all know that, according to both the bible and many popular comic ...

ON WISCONSIN! The state Department of Regulation and Licensing and the Medical Examining Board said Wednesday that they had opened investigations into eight individuals who allegedly wrote doctor excuse notes for protesters at the state Capitol during rallies in February. Last month, the Department of Regulation and Licensing said it had identified 11 people who may have provided the medical excuses, and it asked them to submit information about their activities at the Capitol. […] ...

WorldNetDaily has a sense of energy about it these days, fueled by the discerning public’s new appreciation for the art that is birtherism. “Compare the Flex Belt & Contour Belt – 2 leading ab belts,” its front page proclaims, educating the abless on exciting innovations made in 2003. Yesterday, it announced that stuffy American scholar Charlie Sheen had seen Donald Trump on teevee and begrudgingly accepted the birthers’ conclusion. Today, it says chief MSNBC ...

Have you heard about America’s new king and queen of hearts, Bill and Kate plus Eight? They are getting married very soon! And until the divorce in a few years and the tragic aftermath when Kate runs off with an Arab playboy and Bill falls in love with a tampon, this may very well be the most romantic moment in history! Because there’s something very special when an inbred bucktoothed descendent of Henry VIII or whatever finds a poor girl dressed in rags cleaning the floor of ...

Leading fake presidential candidate Donald Trump, who is best known for his work in television in the role of “Montana Max” on Steven Spielberg’s animated series Tiny Toon Adventures, notified CNN he’s still keeping a team of sexy investigators on the sexy beaches of Hawaii to track down President Obama’s sexy past. “At a certain point in time I’ll be revealing some interesting things,” Trump said. Cool! Was it that the president played a lot ...

Janet Napolitano has had a major breakthrough, people! A few days ago, Janet slipped and hit her head on her bathroom sink while trying to drink out of the toilet like an animal does, and bam!, an image of the flux capacitor a terror alert system with only two terror-colors appeared in her head. It was magic: one color was Elevated, and the other was Imminent. (Janet quickly realized that this new Terror Rainbow would create enough Panic to power her DeLorean torture machine, which she ...

Would you like to read a long and enjoyable essay on why Ayn Rand was probably the most evil troll of the post-Hitler era? (Now we don’t have to compare her to Hitler!) Here’s the piece, on The Awl. You will enjoy it, we bet! Also, it gives us an excuse to post this video that’s been floating around the last couple of days. Watch Ayn Rand explain why most of the useless-eater population needs to die! It adds a lot of weird despair and pathos hathos (sorry spellcheck ...

Evil muppet billionaires David and Charles Koch own the Koch Industries megacorporation, and most of the employees of that conglomerate got written instructions from the Koch Bros. listing the candidates and measures to vote for. That’s illegal! Put the Koch Brothers in prison for CRIMES against AMERICAN DEMOCRACY, quick, before they hobble away slowly! Here is what The Nation found out: “On the eve of the November midterm elections, Koch Industries sent an urgent letter to most ...

Donald Trump has drawn a lot of attention in a slow-starting race for the GOP nomination. Roughly a quarter of all Americans (26%) name Trump as the possible Republican presidential candidate they have heard most about lately, far more than volunteer any other candidate. Among Republicans, 39% name Trump as most visible – more than all other possible GOP candidates combined. To be sure, Trump is standing out in a contest that has yet to draw much public interest or media coverage. In ...

Happy third day of Passover to all our Jewish friends and a hoppy almost Easter to “everyone else!” Jews eating matza and the celebration of when Jesus returned to say “howdy” to all his followers before going away again are two exciting occasions that mark fertility, horny rabbits, and most importantly, spring. Before we enter the sweat feast that is D.C. in the summer when thousands of young impressionable political science majors will come to D.C. to flaunt their ...

As you can see from the amusingly edited birther video above, birthers are definitely not happy with Michele Bachmann, who was presented with President Obama’s birth certificate by George Stephanopoulos and was forced to admit people should probably just “move on.” Did she just sink her campaign before it even really began?

When Andrew Breitbart got his hands on a video of a speech on race by a woman named Shirley Sherrod, he knew he could edit it so as to make the NAACP seem racist. It was pretty obvious what was going on, but after wimpy fertilizer king Tom Vilsack got scared and fired her, and the NAACP got scared and attacked her, the media eventually absolved Sherrod of the dumb, baseless charges against her. These days, Breitbart is still trying to attack Sherrod and the alleged “corruption” ...

Do you love to combine time-wasting, ineffectual things? Then you won’t want to miss today’s Barack Obama campaign appearance/”Town Hall Meeting” on Facebook. Wow, that is the Holy American Trinity of useless computer things, right there. Don’t forget to sign up! Maybe Barack will “friend you back.” (Not really.) [Facebook]

Shocking new photographs from Barack Obama’s African Past reveal that he was actually a Somali pirate in Hawaii during his youth, the feared “Child Scallywag of Honolulu.” Here, pictured with Liz Phair in the early 1990s, the dread pirate O’bamar prepares to raid a British crown colony of landlubbers and then head off to the Indonesian pirate lair of “Singapore” to live under the Socialist doctrine of rum, sodomy and the lash. And even now that he’s ...

Playgirl is still alive somehow. And we guess it’s because it does stuff like this: finding Michele Bachmann’s 28-year-old son and asking him to pose nude in their publication, for publicity. He said no, of course. But considering Bachmann has five children and has foster-parented 23 others, something she brags about on the campaign trail, statistically there’s a pretty good chance one of them would do it if enough were asked. The real scandal here, though, is that, while ...

Egypt’s toppled president Hosni Mubarak is “clinically depressed” as he remains in a Sharm el Sheikh hospital, a senior Egyptian official told FOX News Tuesday. Doctors said the ousted leader spends all day in bed and is eating very little with his wife Suzanne by his side, the official added. Look what you did, Obama’s Muslin Brotherhood! Taking away Hosni’s country from the poor man is eating away his soul and will to live. Hurry up and give him back his ...