Scratch Can Cure That Itch For Hair

August 25, 1988|By Mike Royko, Chicago Tribune

Millions of young men with thinning hair were surely feeling depressed after watching a network news show the other night.

The show was about a prescription drug that the federal government has approved for use as an anti-baldness lotion. That might sound like good news, but it wasn't. Various experts said only a small percentage of balding men would be helped by the drug. And the twice-a-day dousing would be expensive and have to be done as long as they wanted to keep their hair.

Far worse, though, was a series of brief filmed interviews with young women at the beginning of the show. They were asked what they thought of men who were bald or had thinning hair. Between giggles and considerable eye- rolling, they said, in effect: ''Eek.''

As I sat listening to these cruel creatures, I thought of the agony they were bringing to millions of young men. Men who might be worthy, admirable, even heroic. Men who, through some genetic glitch over which they had no control, were born to be bald.

So I decided to write something to comfort these young men and offer them hope for the future. As I do with many complex subjects, I sought the expertise of the prominent psychiatrist Dr. I.M. Kookie. I asked him why these young women reacted so negatively to the very mention of baldness or thinning hair.

''The intelligence of a female can be measured in inverse proportion to her reaction to the sight of a man's naked scalp. Or to put it another way, the more a woman thinks about how much hair a guy has, the lower her IQ is.''

If true, that is a remarkable scientific finding.

''Don't worry, it's true. Only a ninny worries about head hair. Do they care about how much hair a man has on his legs? Of course not. So why do they care about how much he has on his head?''

So you're saying that the more intelligent women are not concerned about male hair growth?

''That's right. An intelligent woman thinks about other qualities that are a lot more important than superficial appearances.''

You mean wit, humor, gentleness, and whether a man is trustworthy, reliable, good and true?

''No, I meant money.''

Money?

''Sure. You ever notice something about real rich guys? They can be bald as an egg and have a face like a newborn bird, but they aren't lonely. Intelligent women know that even guys with hair get old. But money gets younger. Even CDs will give you 10 percent over five years. Those ninnies on that TV show, they think a CD is some kind of disease.''

But what about balding young men who aren't rich? What are they supposed to do?

''It should be an incentive to them. They should learn how to do something useful, like insider trading. Now I got to go pick something up at the cleaners.''