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(By Scott Campbell) Newcastle striker Papiss Cisse has been discovered giving blessings and reciting sections of the Torah at a local synagogue. The devout Muslim was seen entering the Graham Park Road Synagogue in the city, where he exchanged greetings with local Rabbi, Dr. Robert Ash, before settling down to …

(By Scott Campbell) Mick Harford has sensationally declined the chance to be Joe Kinnear’s footstool at Newcastle. The former Luton Town and Chelsea striker had previously operated under Kinnear’s heels at Luton and Nottingham Forest, and had played underneath him at Wimbledon. In a statement, Harford stated: “I have taken …

(By Neil Renton) Newcastle owner Mike Ashley and his Director Of Football Joe Kinnear have been unmasked as the duo behind Daft Punk. The pair were approached while discussing transfer targets, and why you never see white dog poo anymore, in a Yates pub in the North East of England by …

(By Greg Thomson) DIRECTOR of football Joe Kinnear is believed to be encouraging the Newcastle players to take up smoking. Kinnear is devoted to his old school methods and firmly believes that the team who smokes together, wins together. Head scout Graham Carr has confirmed the former Wimbledon boss is a …

(By Scott Campbell) French fashion house Givenchy, today gave the first details of their Autumn menswear collection, by announcing that Peter Beardsley, the former England playmaker, would be the ‘face’ of their latest campaign. Hexham-born Beardsley, who collected two First Division titles and two FA Cups whilst playing for Liverpool, …

(By Mark Hodge) JOE Kinnear has insisted that he invented the concept of time and was a founding member of the suffragette movement. Newcastle’s new director of football, made the extraordinary claims while speaking with TalkSport. He said: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. “I used to phone Sir …

(By Martin Pattinson) LETS be honest, Andy Carroll is the best thing since sliced bread. He makes Wayne Rooney look like a League Two standard striker. His immaculate ball control and prolific scoring record makes him a dream striker for any manager. Former Geordie legend Alan Shearer is clearly impressed …

(By Martin Pattinson) JOE Kinnear has hit back at fans criticising his impending appointment as Newcastle director of football, claiming he is “more intelligent” than his critics. In a 15 minute interview with TalkSPORT, Kinnear displayed some of that much useful intelligence by lying about players he claimed to sign …

NEWCASTLE have refuted claims that employing professional failure Joe Kinnear will undermine their existence. Kinnear, who has no respect within his own household, never mind the game of football, has been working as a failed person since 2009. But owner Mike Ashley insists Kinnear’s appointment, as director of football, signals …

ALAN Pardew has confirmed that he is happy with having his life, family and dignity taken away from him. The Newcastle manager insists his position at the club has not been weakened by the appointment of footballing dinosaur Joe Kinnear. He said: “I spoke to Joe this morning. “We had …