Top Five Answers to ‘How are You?’

Often when I walk by people I know and say “Hello,” they say something like, “How are you?”, “How ya doing?” or “You have something in your teeth.”

I am never sure if “How are you?” means the same thing as “Hello” in this context or not, so I usually say “I’m good. How are you?” They, of course, usually don’t reply because they are too far away from me by then or because they didn’t want to have a whole conversation with me in the first place.

The fact is, though, that they are the ones who asked the question, so I feel it is my duty to reply. But while my answer is always “I’m good. How are you?” there are plenty of other responses I would prefer to give.

In order to help others with these difficult situations, our judges have put together the Top Five Answers to “How Are You?”

First a few honorable mentions:

I have a toe cramp.

I’m ticklish.

How much time do you have?

The pizza is in the chicken coop (said in a quiet but very serious tone as if you are in a spy movie).

47.

My back itches. Do you mind helping me with that?

Taller than my brothers.

To be honest, I’m glad you asked. I’ve been meaning to talk with you about this for quite a while now. I am putting on a one-man show, “Nick Claussen: The Nick Claussen Story,” and I would like to offer you a special discount on tickets. How many can I put you down for?

And now our Top 5!

5. How am I what?

4. No.

3. Why are you asking? Is this part of a survey? Are you the person who keeps calling me?

Ha! I love these. I don’t usually talk to people when I walk so when someone asks me how I am, I get so flustered that I can’t think of something to say until I’m yards down the street and it’s way too late. And then if you do say something, you have to do the awkward turnaround and shout thing, and half the time they can’t even hear you.

If I’m somewhere I know I’ll be spoken to by a lot of people, my go to response is usually, “well I’m here.”