Occupy Wall Street Using Prostitutes to Deter Rapists

NEW YORK – In an effort to cut down on the rapidly growing number of rapes occurring at Occupy Wall Street demonstrations, organizers are encouraging sex workers to join the protests where they will be paid to help absorb the pent-up sexual frustrations of troubled revolutionaries who are unable to control their urges.

Organizers say they purchased a stable of prostitutes with proceeds from a generous donation from former President Jimmy Carter. With the number of rapes at the protests climbing, many revolutionaries said they approve of the prostitutes and hope they’ll act as a cold shower for rapists who’ve behaved in ways that many consider inappropriate. Chartreuse, a revolutionary from Westchester, New York, has been living at the Occupy Wall Street site for three weeks. She told the Daily Rash she feels the prostitutes are a brilliant idea.

“The news about rapes escalating out of control was beginning to tarnish the image of our people-friendly revolution. I’m as concerned about rape allegations as anybody else, but we are here for a reason and we can’t allow our movement to be sullied by a handful of rapists. Having prostitutes available not only offers a release for the rapist, but it’s a welcome safety measure for female and male bodied people who aren’t comfortable with the prospect of having sex against their wishes in a tent with a nameless stranger.”

Krispee Kreem

Sex worker Krispee Kreem spoke with the Daily Rash after relieving the frustrations of dozens of rapists for eleven straight hours. She talked about how enthusiastic she is to earn money while participating in a grass roots movement to protest greed.

“I am so thankful to be given this opportunity. It’s so much easier to ply my trade here instead of the dark alley behind the package liquor store in the South Bronx. Many protesters have taught me lots of stuff about being a revolutionary. I admit that in the beginning I was just here for the money, but the protesters say I play an important part in the revolution against greed. Today I honestly believe that God has brought me here to help change the world one rapist at a time.”

Abraham Snootz is an Occupy Wall Street organizer. He admitted that there’s still some “tweaking” to be done with the implementation of prostitutes in the organization’s efforts to deter rapists.

“Because of President Carter’s bountiful donation we’re able to pay our sex workers a generous weekly wage and supply them with birth control, McDonald’s gift certificates and a copy of Saul Alinsky’s ‘Rules for Radicals’. Because our girls have already been paid, rapists can access our sexual release services free of charge. But we have noticed the number of men claiming to be rapists is growing by the hour. I guess it’s possible that all these guys claiming to be rapists truly are, but the group consensus is there are some non-rapists taking advantage of the opportunity to fornicate for free. Although at this time our policy is to take a person at his word, we’re working on ways to weed out the real rapists from the wanna-be’s.”

John Doe (not his real name) is a bona fide rapist with a photo copy of his release documents from Sing Sing Correctional Facility. He recently completed his second rape sentence and boasts of dozens of rapes that he got away with. He complained to the Daily Rash about the phony rapists in line at the fornication tents.

Rapist John Doe (Not his real name)

“This really pisses me off. I guarantee you there’s not one guy in line who’s ever raped anybody before. Not one. I’ve been standing in line for six hours and I’ve got documents that prove I’m a rapist. I shouldn’t even have to stand in a line.”

John Doe looked over the dozens of men lined up at the fornication tents.

“Why are they wiggling their fingers at each other? What the hell is that? Rapists don’t wiggle their fingers. And you wanna know how I know that? Cause I’m a rapist!”

Mr. Doe grimaced as he puffed on a marijuana cigarette. Although he showed several protest organizers his prison release records he had yet to be moved closer to the front of the fornication line.

When asked about using prostitutes as a rape deterrent, a protester summed up the group’s attitude.

“We’ve learned that male bodied members who are inclined to force others to have sex with them have a problem that can be worked out in the fornication tents. This way we can still depend on them to help support our cause once we determine what it is.”

[…] Now, rather than borrowing $40,000 per year, you’ll only be borrowing $36,800 per year. Problem solved! Your son can now happily stumble back to his OWS protest and resume braiding Plunger’s armpit hair in the shelter they’ve carved out of elephant dung, used needles, Molotov cocktails, and the tears of a dozen or so rape victims [10] [11]. […]