Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

I am very good at procrastinating 😂 @MB95im just studying, ive already finished the 2 quizzes, I just have to write out a few glossary terms but theres only like 5 and ill do that in between posts so no issues at all.

Yes definently can relate. when we hide it for so long it becomes our new normal. even without trying to hide it we still manage to do so. Unfortunatley because I have become so good at hiding it my supports struggle to get the full picture when I say im really struggling because I still smile and can still laugh even when im at my lowest, ive always been that way and was one of the ways I coped (laughed so it didn't seem like I was depressed)

no, your post makes sense, its tricky when we say we don't have supports etc but then we get 'spotted' with other people. I guess something to keep in mind is there is a difference between uni study mates and someone you really trust to talk to about whats happening. My family and I when we go out we seem very close but in reality my mum and I have a strained relationship and with her along with the rest of my family I feel I cant talk to them. I think it comes down to who we trust and therefore who we expose our true selves too. hope that makes sense..

To me it sounds like a panic attack which can be helped in various ways. I can share some techniques and your psych seems like she can also help you as well.

I know you mentioned you don't know whats causing your anxiety atm but im wondering if its the thoughts and feelings that your 'lying about your mental health' This is what it comes across as being a possibility to me but what are your thoughts?Could I ask if you have a diagnoses for your mental health? just so I can get a better picture of what you may be dealing with when it comes to the ups and downs?

Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

No worries about the posts and of course every person and their family will be different.My Mum is actually quite naturally anti-psychology or medication or any practitioner help really. It took her a long time to accept the fact that she couldn’t help and I needed more specialist support. Even now, she wonders if I’ll continue medication and seeing someone regularly. So to get her to see someone is basically out of the question. That being said, she tried once because all of my drs told her to, but never again. I came to accept the fact that no matter what I said or did, she wasn’t going to change her mind and so now I don’t take responsibility for her feelings and I’m able to let her deal with her own feelings because there’s nothing I can do, so I’ll just focus on my own.

But how are you going tonight? I know you said you feel like people think you’re lying but I agree with everything @scared01 has said. And so see coming on here as a bad thing. It’s great! You’re actually actively seeking help which is a massive achievement.

Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

I love it @scared01 ! Procrastinating from studies is always the best.. and worst! 😂 Are you at uni or still in school? If you're at uni what are you studying? I'm not sure if I've ever asked?

Yeah, I feel like people don't know how to support me because I am so good at pretending everything is okay. People are always comparing themselves to me and saying I have my shit together when it is so goddam far from the truth! I just feel guilty for not being able to tell them but also kind of annoyed that they just assume I'm fine. I'm always the one people come to for help (which I do love and appreciate) but sometimes I just wish they could tell I'm struggling just as much, and alot of the time I'm finding things even harder then them. Like no ones problems are worse than anyones, we all deal with things differently but sometimes I just feel like saying to them that I'm struggling to even stay alive at the moment. I don't know, I don't mean to sound like a bitch. I just wish people understood that even those who seem like they have their shit together are also struggling..

That totally makes sense!! There are only two people I've ever shared things with and would call my true supports and they're my two best friends but they live in Canada. Like I get along with people at uni and I guess you could call them my friends but I'd never share personal information with them.. it's so weird! I guess I just really don't want my psych to think I'm lying to her and don't need her help because I really do. I've had enough people give up on me and really don't want her too as well!!

My psych has mentioned a few ways to prevent panic attacks or try calm down from one - particularly the breathing. But I often find they come on fairly quickly and then I really struggle to stop them. I'm getting a little better at it but I guess today I just forced myself to go to my appointment and ignore what was happening when realistically I should have taken a moment to calm myself down a bit first. If you feel like sharing some tips though then I'd love to hear them! 😊

I hadn't actually thought about that as being a trigger.. but honestly, now that you mention it I think that could be it. I've always struggled seeing my psych but the anxiety around it has just grown into something else recently. I feel like ever since I told my parents I've been seeing a psych it just got worse because I feel like I'm going behind their back for not talking to them instead so I feel really guilty about it and then when my psych saw me with my friend from uni and with our group it just got worse again from there because I felt like she was judging me and was thinking I was a liar. It's weird. I'm scared to look like I have my shit together around my psych but then I'm scared to look like I don't have my shit together around every one else?!

As for a diagnosis, I've never actually asked my psych before because I don't know how to ask her? But my GP has put in my records that it's anxiety and depression so I guess my psych would say the same?

Thankyou so much for always sharing your own experiences with me @Alison5! I feel like we are fairly similar and that our families have quite a lot in common. So I do really appreciate when you share because I feel like I can really relate to you so get alot out of it. I do wish my parents would see someone but I'm not sure they ever will. I just wish they could understand why I can't talk to them about things. Especially my mum, she feels really hurt by it which I hate. I know we'll all eventually get there and one day I'll open up to them more but I just really find it hard not to blame myself at the moment or regret telling them. I'm trying really hard to just focus more on myself at the moment though and am thinking of talking to my psych next week about the guilt and asking if she has any recommendations on how I can deal with it? Unless you have any?

As for tonight, just talking to you guys and knowing there are people out there is really helping so thankyou so much for responding guys, I REALLY do appreciate it!!! I also just got off the phone to my grandad and just hearing his voice lifted my spirits. Made me homesick, but has reminded me of how lucky I really am to have the family I do 😊 I was pretty low before but just chatting here and having that phonecall makes me feel less alone so THANKYOU!!! ❤

Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

Just caught up on that thread - and just had to say, you guys are all amazing. I love the generosity of spirit and power of shared experiences that you see on this board every single day, it reminds me how incredibly lucky I am to be part of such a great community.

I read this phrase of yours, and it resonated so deeply with me; "I'm not sure.. like every now and again I feel like I'm making progress and like I'm feeling more positive towards things and believe I can get through things but then I just crash completely"

I have had times in the past where I felt the same way , and I think many people will really be able to relate to it. I also had to share this with you:

Recovery, and building new skills, and life in general to me is rarely all in a straight line. Lots of bumps along the way, but I think that's totally okay.

Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

I guess I just struggle alot when I feel like I'm failing at something and people are relying on me to do well (e.g. my psych in this case). I'm just so scared of letting her down. I hate not being able to keep up with peoples expectations, whether they be my own or from others. So when I go backwards it just makes me feel like a failure and then it keeps spiralling from there. I just thought I'd be better by now and past all of this. I cannot wait for the day there is pie - I am going to pig out! 😂 I really LOVED that so thanks for sharing, I've screenshot it as something to look at when I need a reminder. I really am trying but guess it's just alot harder than I expected to work through everything.

As for today, the numbness and anger at myself isn't as intense as yesterday. It's still there but mostly I'm just physically and mentally exhausted. I couldn't wake up thismorning and was late to my uni classes. I freaked out because I was and almost drove straight back home but I made myself breathe and push through it and go to class and I'm so glad I did - felt like a small accomplishment. So I really am trying, it's just exhausting and takes alot out of me.