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Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Ya I know...

I've been slacking in a major way. O asked me today if I was going to blog, and I told him honestly, I wasn't sure there hasn't been a lot going on worth it. He looked at me, giving me that look I honestly hate and told me he felt it was a good idea. Seriously tho, life's been good and quiet recently and I've been happy with the silence. Omega came down with a cold recently and for some reason thought sharing the germs would be a good thing...because now I have it. Oddly enough last night when he was attempting to cuddle, my nose was dripping on his arm (ya gross) and after he showered, he kept to his side of the bed the rest of the night.

I dunno if it's the new year getting closer or what but I can remember being excited when January 1st rolled around. Now it's more like this year wasn't too bad, ups and downs, but I wonder what the next year will bring? Will it be more ups or more downs? Will things just moderate into a routine? Dunno...that's the thing about beginnings I guess, they're always kinda scary.

At least they are to me.

At home O and I are doing fine, and parts of relationship are much the same as they were before he entered rehab, but improved. He's backed off a bit of his micromanaging me for the time, and has said that he does trust my judgment. He still gives me tasks to complete, which does include blogging and it seems to help me manage the day. He doesn't say anything if I spend time playing games on facebook (which I really play too many of), as long as I've done my chores and a healthy meal is cooked. He seems more relaxed and happier than he's been in a long time and it strikes me odd how I got used to his moods before. Just kinda went along with them, but now it's different, much more like he was. I guess I'm happier too.

One thing I do struggle with is that I've gotten used to my maintenance whippings, maybe too dependent on them and now they've had to stop. O's therapist (and he doesn't disagree) that he still has a lot pent up rage and he's afraid he could get out of control. He's been taking walks (when the weather's decent) back to using his treadmill and there is punching bag in the basement. Which is all great...for him. I've been looking for ways to help myself more and not to rely or be a burden to him, yanno something else he'll have to worry about. I guess I've been meditating twice a day but so far it doesn't seem to help me much. Exercise and mouse just aren't on speaking terms but that might have to change.

O and I are supposed to work out New Years resolutions, I think I'll be posting my own list soon enough. I'm now really thinking about things I want to accomplish for the coming year, and maybe instead of calling them resolutions maybe I'll just call them goals for the coming year. Aside from the normal lose weight, quit smoking, and become a vegan, maybe I should make them more reasonable, like eat healthy balanced meals, lay off junk food, seriously cut back on smoking, maybe adding a few more rules to that.

I do want most of all to be a better slave, and wife to Omega. Tho, I know he'd say I was fine in both areas, I guess I feel I could improve more.

As for trust, it's slow, but I'm starting to trust him more, and remembering that he does have good judgment most of the time. It's just hard, when he tells me that he's going to a meeting, part of me wants to come along to make sure that's what he's doing. The therapist has told me that's normal and I shouldn't worry about it but it bothers me. Sometimes I really wish my brain just had an off switch, but I know that's impossible. Maybe the biggest thing I could wish for the new year is patience?

11 comments:

Goodness... if patience could be a permanent thing, I'd have mastered it by now. I'd be able to tell you its origin, how it function, and how to develop it within yourself, but you know what? The universe played a nasty cruel joke on us when it created patience... because it's an ever elusive thing. It can be in your grips one moment and out of your sight in the next.

You know? I think the universe is a sadist come to think of it... hmmmm... blog material maybe? LOL

I've got a sort of idea for the maintenance thing... think of the one thing you, O, or the both of you together do that makes you feel the most submissive (that doesn't require him to do something the therapist thinks will be bad for him) and try to incorporate that somehow into your maintenance. Just a suggestion....

mouse, those sound like worthy goals, I should add patience to my list also. The great thing about a new year is it does feel like you can start out fresh, an opportunity for change unlike any other time of year. Best wishes for the coming new year!Ally

patience? Ya, we both know I have none of that. However, I think you have more patience than you realize. You're a strong woman and a strong slave. And hey! We always have those FB games to preoccupy and drive us crazy while we're waiting...

***edits post because i just wrote what spirit wrote. thats what i get for not reading others comments first***

mouse and Omega,I don't want to pry where you don't want us. And I don't don't don't want to make trouble for you. And it's not just because I am nosy (though of course I am, but also concerned about you and I care.

You haven't written very much about Omega and the problem besetting him, although you have referred to it a lot, and it's the foundation of what you are going through right now.

I want to know more. Can you tell us more? And if not, please go ahead and delete this message and pretend I never asked?

Hmmm, much to think about here,,, patience is a virtue, you are already exhibiting the quality and it will continue to grow I am sure.

Perhaps a few minutes on the treadmill will help burn off some energy and settle your mind,,,until maintenance can return. I will support your effort and commit to something to, help settle the demons for awhile.

I have a couple of suggestions concerning the maintenance spankings. WAAYY back in the mists of time (after I'd brought home a pterodactyl or the like for dinner) when we engaged in play I was worried about going too hard. I'm a fairly big guy and my Ladies are petite. I liked to go hard, had partners that liked to go hard, and I was worried about going TOO hard. I stumbled acrossed a flogger with several dozen strands about 12 inches long. The strands were made of silk. My oartners were thrilled for me to go as hard as I possibly could with that thing. One described it as "Being beaten with a cloud". Believe me, all the rage in the world isn't going to damage you so long as he doesn't hold the fall and hit you with the handle. And I would bet the night would end brighter for him too, than when he uses the punching bag. Punching bags never seem grateful for their attention or eager to show that gratitude.

If you're really looking for the pain, I suggest you do pursue exercise. My Ladies do. They recently took themselves to the gym while I was away a few days, and I can tell you they are good and sore tonight. LOL.