Ex-Wives Of Rock – Season 2, Episode 3; Appetite For Destruction

One-Sentence Summary: Athena’s ex is begging for a comeback, which is about as likely to happen as Scorpion’s return to the Billboard Top 10.

My Thoughts:

Rachel: Can we please discuss how bad my powers of observation are? It’s just dawned on me that each episode is named after a rock song. Was it always like that or did they just start this season? Eh, doesn’t matter. My memory is terrible too, so I won’t remember the answer anyway. Let’s get to the reason we’re all here…

Strippers vs. Mud Wrestlers

We start with a recap of all the ways Athena’s ex, James Kottak, has fucked with her over the years from cheating on her to squelching on child support to publicly outing her as a drunk and unfit mother, which he followed-up with flowers and an invitation to meet. This dude is a lunatic. I don’t want her to meet with him, but we all know she’s going. And she goes because she’s curious about his level of “ballism”. Must incorporate that into my vernacular.

Anyway, Douchey McDouchington shows up and demands the waitress give him her tie. This happens partially because he’s a douche and partially because he’s drunk – which is really just a douche exacerbater. New word. And there’s that whole it’s 10am thing and the other my-ex-is-newly-sober thing just adding to the pile of douchey. He says that the lawyer thing is driving him and his hair crazy, so they should just work this out together. He apologizes for going against their vows (aka: cheating). Athena is stunned. Then he says she brings out the insanity in him. She recommends that he stay away from her then. He just wants to be able to talk to her… and you know, pick up where they left off. He must be drunk AND high. She’s not trying to hear this. She’s there for the kids. He says he is too. Let’s all pause and laugh at that one. But bottom line, she’s not interested in being his after-party when all the random chicks have gone away. Go girl.

Bobbie is doing a photoshoot for a coffee table book about rock-n-roll in Los Angeles. It’s going to be a sexy shoot which makes her uncomfortable because she’s unhappy with her body… though she does nothing about it. I feel you girl. I’m typing this from a prone position in my bed thinking about how another day has passed without me seeing the inside of a gym. The inside of a fridge, however, is another story. Regardless though, she’s hot so it’s all good.

Athena heads off to see Sharise and fill her in on the craziness that is her ex. Sharise says they always come back. Yep, the infamous boomerang. I am far too aware of that phenomenon. Sharise says it’s in the rock star handbook to blame the women for their mistakes. Sounds about right. But the real shocker is that Athena is considering James’ offer. No no no no NOOOOOO!!! Sharise says that Athena should enjoy the feeling of having him come back and apologize, but she needs to kick him to the curb. Indeed. She also thinks Athena should start dating again. Would help. Just do anything or anyone that isn’t James Kotakk.

Bobbie actually makes an appointment to see her personal trainer, after a 2-year hiatus. Aw man, now I feel like I have to do something. Maybe I’ll do squats while I watch. Or maybe I’ll just stick to the arms tonight and tone them by opening a bottle of vino. Anywho, Bobbie says she just wants to look good, which is why she’s back at her trainer. That and she isn’t having enough sex to keep in shape. As her trainer stretches her out, she tells him about her upcoming book and spills a few of the stories. You know, like how she had a threesome with Ashley Hamilton and his BFF; although Ash – I can call him that, right? – mostly just watched. She also dated Rod Stewart, Ash’s stepdad, and was asked out by his actual dad George as well as Rod’s son. Damn girl, this is gonna be some kind of book. With that, her book agent, Adam, calls and tells her that she has a publishing deal. Woot! And she’ll be getting a $50k advance. I guess all the schtupping paid off, literally.

Back at Sharise’s office, the conversation naturally turns to Bobbie and her book. Sharise is not going to let them call her a stripper. Bobbie “trying” to change it isn’t good enough. She needs to actually change it. But they’ve been friends too long for her to write Bobbie off totally… she just won’t talk to her until the book is changed. Mature.

Athena’s next stop is NAMM in Orange County to help endorse Rikki Rockett’s line of drums. Bobbie is also there to represent a bass guitar that has her face on it. Aaaaand so is Sharise. Oh boy. And when she runs into Bobbie, she gives her nothing more than a nod. Ouch. Yep, Sharise was serious when she said they were on a break. She walks away and Bobbie tells Athena that she’s trying to get it changed. Try harder, methinks. Athena tells Bobbie to figure it out and then bows out so she can make her plans for the evening…

… with James. ATHENA! NO! He shows up to the bar and orders a bottle of Jack with a bottle of Jim on the side. Way to respect your sober ex-wife. He wants to figure things out for their kids. And he’s crying… Really, dude? He loves her and there’s a bond between them. He broke that bond, she tells him. She just sees him as a giant tornado and knows she can’t take that on. Yeah, he reeks of the desperation of not wanting to be alone. I think he’d fuck her over again in a heartbeat. She tells him he has to stop drinking and go to counseling. He has to change. I think we all know he won’t.

Bottom Line: I know it’s far harder when it’s your ex, but rarely does a boomeranging man do much more than cause you pain when his reality smacks you in the head.

Why You’re Here

We take the best parts of some bad tv, break ‘em down over a few glasses of vino (funny flows better when wine flows freely) and share them with you so you don’t have to waste hours of your life watching on your own. You're welcome.

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