Anecdotes of a Hotel Night Auditor

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Luna Is About To Break

When I made it to work at 11 last night the maintenance guy told me Luna is telling everyone, including hotel guests that I am cutting the bottoms of the garbage bags, and causing the garbage to spill everywhere when she takes the bags out of the cans. I didn’t do that, but I think it’s a great idea. Those bags are so thin and weak that all it takes is one item too many items stuffed in the can to cause the bag to tare; it happens to me regularly. He also told me that Luna is telling people that I am stealing the breads and bagels, because we are going through more than usual. Luna likes to save everything that she doesn’t use during breakfast, and save it for the following day. I go through everything that Luna tries to feed people and I throw away all of the old moldy bread that she intends to put out for guests in the morning. I also throw away the left over eggs, sausages, and cinnamon rolls. The cinnamon rolls get hard like hockey pucks if they don’t get eaten in the first hour that they are under the heat lamps. I can’t understand why she insists on serving that crap to people. Now she is telling management that I am taking all of that food home. I need to eat steel cut oats, and cut out sodium and sugar from my diet. The food we serve will kill me if I eat it regularly.

I decided since she is back to her old tricks, then I will go back to mine. I locked the pantry door, shut off all of the lights in the dining room, and locked her out of the office where I have all of the keys locked away, other than the set in my pocket. If she wants to get access to the pantry, she will have to ask me to let her in. I know she is not scheduled to arrive until 5:30am, but she always arrives between 4:30 and 5:00. I plan to keep myself busy delivering bills when she arrives, which will force her to wait until I am done, and ready to help her. If I do this just right, I think I can make steam burst from her ears.

At 4:50, Luna arrived to work. As soon as I heard the doors open, I delivered the bills. I could hear Luna call for me as I walked up the stairs. “Can you please unlock the door?” She shouts. I ignored her, and went on with delivering the bills. Ten minutes later I came back to the office, and Luna was sitting at the television, waiting with a scowl on her face. I walked into my office and ignored her. Luna approached the desk, but I kept myself in the office. “Will you please unlock the door?” She says again, sounding irritated. I refused to acknowledge her until 5:20, at that time I walked to the bathroom. When I did my business, and when I walked out of the bathroom, Luna was standing near the door waiting for me. “You don’t think standing next to a bathroom door like that is a bit creepy?” I asked. “Shut up and let me in the kitchen.” She scolds. “Perhaps you should change your tone.” I said. “I don’t have to change anything. Open the door for me.” She demanded. I looked at her with a serious look on my face. “Why did you tell people that I am sabotaging your job?” I asked. “Shut up.” She replies. “How about you tell me why you are telling lies about me.” I said. “I don’t have to tell you anything, now open the fucking door.” I smiled at her, making sure to look as much like an asshole as I could in the process. “Say please.” I said. “Fuck you asshole.” She barked. “I guess you misheard me. I said say please, not say something that will encourage me not to help you.” I said. “Open the fucking door right now.” She said with hatred behind her tone. I walked over to the kitchen door, and she followed. When we reached the door, I pointed at it. “This door?” I asked. “What other door would I be talking about.” She scolded. “I just want to make sure we are on the same page. So this door is the one you want to open?” I said. “Yes! Now open it!” She screamed. I started putting the key in the slot, then stopped myself. “Are you mad at me?” I asked with a giant grin on my face. Luna turned bright red, stomped a foot on the floor, and marched back to the main doors where she exited the building. I unlocked the door, and went back to the desk. I watched Luna pace back and forth in front of the smokers bench for fifteen minutes before she decided to re-enter the building. I almost got her to steam. Maybe next time.