The Truth Of How Guys Deal With Breakups

A lot of women come to me feeling very confused about their guy’s actions after a breakup… and the question usually goes like this, “How do guys deal with breakups?”

Now, most of the time, if a woman is asking me this question, her boyfriend is doing one of four things:

The Usual Ways Guys Deal With Breakups

He cut off all contact and is ignoring her

He seems like he’s being a huge jerk to her all the time

He started having tons of one night stands with different women

He jumped headfirst right into a new relationship

And I totally understand why those actions would be confusing to a woman who just had her relationship end. Many women wind up totally lost as to why he would do those things if he cared about her, and wondering if her ex still loves her – or if he ever cared at all.

Here’s the source of the confusion: it’s not about you.

Take The Quiz: Is He Selfish?

His Actions Aren’t About You Or Your Relationship

The problem with that mindset is that it assumes he’s doing these things specifically to get a reaction out of you. That mindset looks at his behavior and makes it about you, when it’s really all about him.

All of the actions listed above are in response to one thing – how he’s feeling inside himself. If you start to look at them through that lens, they all make perfect sense.

Every one of those behaviors from him is a way of dealing with the emotional turmoil inside himself. Let’s go through them one by one so you can see exactly what I mean (and stop being confused by his post-breakup actions, so you can stay strong after your breakup).

He Cut Off Contact

If he wound up cutting off all contact with you, it means he doesn’t want to deal with the negative emotions he has surrounding your breakup.

He knows that talking to you is only going to make him feel worse – and he also probably knows that it’s not going to accomplish anything.

If he doesn’t want to get back together with you, he knows that if he talks to you, all it’s going to do is make him feel horrible – and he wants to avoid that.

He’s not trying to be a jerk – he’s just trying to preserve his emotional sanity and wellbeing.

A lot of the time when a guy cuts off contact with a woman after a breakup, she assumes that he never cared about her at all. Far from it.

It’s not that he never cared about you – it’s that he’s trying to give himself space to heal. If he keeps talking to you, he won’t be able to do that.

Watch The Video: How Do Guys Deal With Breakups: What Every Woman Needs to Know

He Seems Like He’s Being A Huge Jerk To You

If he comes off as being a massive jerk to you after breaking up – chances are it was really rough on him.

The more of a jerk it seems like he’s being, the worse he’s feeling about the breakup. Some people lash out to avoid dealing with negative emotions inside themselves – it’s their way of trying to cope with their inner anguish.

It doesn’t excuse his actions if he really is being a huge jerk – but it does tell you why he’s doing it.

Note – I’m not saying that it’s ok for a guy to be a jerk after a breakup – far from it. What I’m saying is that his jerky actions are about him… not about you.

In fact, you can take this principle and apply it to your whole life. Have you ever had a complete stranger act like a huge jerk to you – like yelling at you over something really minor or having a huge angry blowup over nothing?

100% of the time – that huge angry blowup from a stranger is about what’s going on in their life – not about you. How could it be about you anyway – since it’s coming from a stranger?

If someone has a strong emotional reaction to something seemingly minor – it’s all about how they’re feeling inside and the problems they’re dealing with – and completely not about you.

When you realize that it’s not about you, you can approach from a position of sympathy – and sidestep 99% of their anger.

It’s the same with your ex. If he seems like he’s being a huge jerk to you – it’s about what’s going on with him, not about you. When you realize that, you can rise above it and not let it affect you – rather than playing back into it and making yourself feel horrible.

He Starts Having Tons Of One Night Stands

Guys that do this are usually the type that need external validation to feel good about themselves. His feelings of worth and self-esteem come from positive attention from women – and when you guys broke up, he lost his source of self-esteem.

When guys who think that way suddenly lose their source of self-esteem, sometimes they panic and wind up sleeping with tons of different women in an attempt to “prove” to themselves that they’re a worthwhile person.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t work. Deriving your self-esteem from outside sources and validation never works out in the long run. True self-esteem has to come from within – it can’t be taken from without.

So after he has all his random one night stands and flings they’ll start to feel hollow to him – and he’ll be left to face the negative feelings inside himself. He can’t run from them forever – because they’re inside him, following him wherever he goes.

He Jumped Right Into A New Relationship

There are a couple different scenarios for this one: either he dumped you and got into a new relationship right away, or you dumped him and he got into a new relationship right away.

If he dumped you – then I’m sorry to say that he probably met someone new that he wanted to be with and ended things with you because of it.

That sucks – and I’m sorry it happened. Everyone’s been through something like that at one point or another and the only thing to do is work through the pain of the breakup and move on.

If you broke up with him – then this is a very similar situation to the guy who goes out and has tons of one night stands with different women.

He’s trying to fill the hole in his life that you occupied. He took a lot of his self-worth from the fact that he was in a relationship – so when you ended things he felt a strong need to get his source of self-worth back as quickly as possible.

That means going out and finding someone else to be with as quickly as possible. And from your perspective I totally understand why it might seem like he never cared about you.

But when you look at it from his perspective – he’s trying to fill a hole in himself because he feels horrible about himself if he doesn’t.

It says nothing about you or the relationship you had – and everything about what he needs to feel good about himself.

Here’s the main point to take away from all this: after a breakup, if he does one of these four things, it’s because he’s trying to run away from the negative feelings of a breakup.

And the truth is, no matter how fast you run, you can never run away from negative feelings inside yourself.

You can try to cover them up, or bury them in sex, or alcohol, or any other kind of escape… but after you get tired of running the negative feelings will still be there inside you waiting to be addressed.

The only way to deal with negative emotions is to acknowledge them, face them head on, and work through them.

So don’t worry about his actions post breakup – they don’t mean anything about you and they don’t say anything about what your relationship really meant to him.

When you have the empathy to realize that everything he’s doing stems from negative feelings inside himself that he’s trying to deal with, then everything becomes clear – and you never have to feel confused or awful about how a guy deals with a breakup ever again.

I hope this article helped you understand how guys deal with breakups. It’s important to realize that as time goes by after a breakup, your chances of getting back together quickly get smaller and smaller until there’s no chance at all. If you don’t do something right now, chances are you will lose him forever, so don’t miss this chance to discover how to make him see you as “the one” and want to be with you and only you. This secret formula to get your ex back in your arms for good will work, but only if you discover it right now: Do You Want Your Ex Back? Use This To Get Them Back…

He broke up with me dated for 4yrs I was going through so much stress my contract ended had no job I was so stressed to a point where I would drink he was not there for me I would drink and we would fight everyday about small things I would call him everytime I had him as a friend cos I would spend most of my time witb him I.had no friends so I needed him like dat so he would get ennoyed suddenly he would get angry wen I call him . I got drunk I sweard at him broke his door at his place I felt so alone and angry that his not there for me when I needed him . The he said his haad enuf with me why am im taking out my stress on him his done he sees that its not gona work . After 4 yrs he only sees it now that its not gona work becouse im going through a rough patch instead of supporting me as a real man he chooses to run away from me. Said he cant stand my behavior I drink and fight with him . Thats was his excuse blocked me ddnt take my calls afterwards.

Breakups are nothing but major feelings of the heart. This is not exactly what you are feeling today you will feel the same tomorrow. The better way to come out from this feeling is to think lil more positive. This way God gives you an indication that the Supreme has decided something not better but the best one for you.

Im heartbroken as we speak. Met this guy about 12 months ago, yeah he was great we got on like a house on fire, my kids loved him. Im 45 he is 28. Big difference I know but he is really mature. Anyways, as we went along a few things about hime emerged, but his own hoensty. He had just come out of a long but hard relationship, but it seems he had cheated on her with another girl he claimed to have been in love with. I knwo I knwo, all these signes. And then there is this non girlfriend he was planning to have a baby with. COnfusing right? Any from early on I realized he was EU, emotionally unavailable stemming from a troubled and abusive child hood. Well relationship went along and I tried so hard to understand him and give the space the EU people need. But soon we started bickering and then he started shutting down, and then one day he ups and just vanishes for three days with no account, to this day. He needed space… OK, i could not take it much more, as I am a highly emotional person, and spoke my mind. Her turned it on me, and well here i am, he broke it off. I know Im better off without him, but damn it hurts like hell. Just venting..

I understand exactly how you feel because I am 48 and was dating a man 34 for almost 2 years. He recently broke up with me because he felt that I didn’t “hold him down” at a time when he was down emotionally. And instead of talking to me about what happened, he ignored me for an entire day and then texted me to break up the next. We were going to meet up this weekend to return stuff that belonged to the other person and I texted him asking if we could have a conversation when we met. That led to a lot of name calling and right now I’m hurting so bad. It has even messed up my sleep for the past two nights and I NEVER have a problem sleeping unless I’m ill. Break ups hurt so bad and I just want it all to be over!!

Spent a year & a half with a woman who I truly fell in love with. Got to know her family well, helped her with many projects and spent a lot of time with her. She was loving in return, but extremely tight-lipped about her past. I truly wanted to move to “the next level” of our relationship, but could not – needed to know what was hidden. Finally learned that she was living the “hookup” lifestyle for about a decade and wanted that buried. I probably could have digested that if she had only been forthcoming when I questioned it (hell, her longest relationship was with a guy that not even her best friend knew about, who she’d meet up with for sex for over 6 yrs – no mention of that). She got indignant about me even mentioning this guy’s name and we are done – even thought I was “the love of her life.” I’m successful, good-looking and trying to be a decent guy in this life, but 90% of the women I’ve had relationships with have carried the double standard that I need to be fully vetted to enter their lives, while they can hide/lie/withhold any mention of their earlier lifestyles, STDs and financial net worths. It’s difficult to emerge from such experiences & not feel hurt, fooled & just plain beta-stupid. If you care about someone (male or female) it’s important to provide each other with a fair amount of transparency, in terms of who you are and who/where you’ve been. Also, if you’re earnestly attempting to make real changes to your wants & lifestyle, away from what they have been, MAKE IT KNOWN. The realities of our pasts – GOOD OR BAD – are bound to catch up with us sooner or later. This will only serve to damage trust in your relationship on both sides. It will also cripple both people in going forward. I truly love / loved her. Now we both don’t tust each other & we are done. If she could have only talked to me, I would have been able to process it. I could never move forward & marry my life to someone hiding major issues. Now I’m messed up. Will try not t become jaded & untrusting in future endeavors – BUT THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME A WOMAN HAS EXPECTED THE WORLD FROM ME & WITHHELD MUCH IN RETURN.

I can truly understand the importance of transpirancy….if they love you then why do they have to hife something? Moreover it’s ussless putting yourself completely for someone. .you only end up being hurt..too happened a couple of times with me..im too done..n trust me you can never trust people again..something similar happened to me…the only thing i don’t believe if they can’t be true then why do they fake around n hurt..asswholes.

My partner just left me after 23 years. I have one child from a previous relationship and we have one together. He gave no indication that anything was wrong. My mom passed and the night before she was buried was the last night that he slept in our bed. So this was a double whammy for me and I am miserable. I understand that he is already living with someone so obviously this relationship was already established. My heart is broken – I don’t know how else to describe the feeling. But life goes on right? I have not reached out to him – I am done – but that doesn’t make me feel any better. Any reminders – pictures, fish tank, clothing – everything is gone. I would like to think that I hate him but if I did it wouldn’t hurt so bad. Relationship was just one big fat lie. The only contact that I will have with him is if someone one gets married, gives birth or dies. I don’t know if I’ll ever have another serious relationship again.

Ok first off im a male thats dealing with a 4year realtionship break up and me and this woman have a son …i have no guys friends and dont have male friends or male role models. I cant realate to this article because everthing isnt accurate. .how do i get over this

We dated 5 months. His excuses was always busy with work and family, therefore I think our love is not that deep. But I do see our love is improving slowly . We had good times when we are together 1-2 times a week. He told me he is going to a big conference in Vegas for a week . My instinct and gut feeling is telling me something is not right by his text to me with a kissing emoji or brief hello text . I surf throw fb found him hold hand with other girl that from my town flew in with him. I texted told him I know and saw it all. He is fooling around with me feeling and hurt my feeling . I will volunteer to withdraw from this mess. He called left message denied that don’t know where I got it from. I can do whatever, he doesn’t care. Then he disappeared with no apology. I am frustrated that I was high respect him before and now I am loosing him. Is he ashamed I caught him ? He’s mad because I broke up with him? Or he just doesn’t care?

I don’t know where this comes from because my last 2 relationships are the exact opposite. I am confused, while she is messing around, sleeping with other guys etc. The aproach taken here, and else where on the net is generally very sexist and one sided. At least have the courtesy to take both extremes from both sides. I have had 2 relationships recently that went this path. Woman are just as heartless if not more when it comes to their selfish wants and lusts and ‘coping’. I say ‘coping’ cause ut is utter bs. If you never cared to start off with, then the behaviour makes more sense.

I just broke up with my boyfriend
Yesterday, we’d be almost 4 years
The problem is HIS ex stays with him cause they have a child together, we became very close and we tell each other’s our issues, I know all about
His ex. But what I got so mad ( very first time)
He supposed to come and see me which he usually does on every week of his days off
I broke up with him cause I can’t take it anymore
That he needs to be sneaky when she is around
Okay if you guys have no something why he is SNEAKY?please I am so heart broken and I do love him so much , is it wrong that I broke up with him? I gave him the full trust he needs and he says that I have a trust issue? Please I need an advice, thank you

Trust your instincts…. and honestly having a child together doesnt mean you have to stay together. My parents divorced and stayed together, it was their worst mistake, it only did me harm.
We all deserve a person that truly cares just like you care for him. We all deserve love and care.

in a way yes, you told him your taking your daughter which is his daughter as well. Your literally taking a piece of him women don’t understand how connected a father feels to their children. My ex she decided she didn’t love me anymore she wanted to work and I was a stay at home dad I raised both our boys since birth 7 years and 3 years know I have to move out of the home we just bought I see our boys on the weekends so from raising them since birth being the 24/7 to 2 days out of a week. Thankfully your daughter is very young because seeing her parents like this would cause some emotion problems. I don’t know what the fight was about but you 2 had a baby together I’m sure with how I felt I was destroyed so I can see him being a broken man he didn’t just lose you he’s losing his daughter to.

I have been in a real auto ship with this guy who is 29yrs old I’m 23 for 3 yrs now.we just had a baby and our daughter is 4months old.one day we got into a huge fight I left the house and when I told him I was coming back to pick up my stuff n the baby I was leaving him he flipped out and didn’t let me see my daughter for a whole month it really hurt me b/c he ignored me completely that whole month as I was trying to talk sense into him about how keeping her from me isn’t doing any good because he’s mad I left him.after a month I finally talked sense to him one day in a text message and he let me finally take my daughter but. The day after he got arrrested for drinking and driving I just think it’s pretty coincidence that the same day he finally said yes he was arrested at night.is it normal for me in some way to feel guilty about this?? about how he ended up in jail what does this mean?please help I need a second opinion.

Many males fail to address their emotions in any insightful way after breakup. I believe ladies have more experience with communication that fosters an understating about how and why they feel the way they do, especially after break-up. Most males do not have access to or experience with coping strategies that may, in a sufficient way, alleviate inner emotional anguish; so, sex-as-a-bandaid or other, temporality, self-affirming behaviors or emotionally numbing behaviors (alcohol or drug use) can follow in men more than in women, generally, after break-up. Most women have a supportive social network to fall back on, most men do not. So, the difference in social support, in addressing emotional pain after break-up, makes a big difference. Further, even if a male has a socially supportive network , chances are, in communication between those men after break-up, men are more process-oriented, addressing underlying problems and possible solutions: actionable ends to pursue. Notice how that’s not sharing experiences and having those experiences affirmed, which does a better job of managing emotional pain rather than discussing how to “fix” it.

Ugh
What a mess!!
I married my husband 8 years ago
We were complete opposites however I went through the ceremony
I left two years later because he lacked emotional fiber
Well. I wound up going back for another three years trying to work it all out
Still no emotional fiber
My Father passed away and I (of course)
Went down to where I grew up to bury him
I flew to Colorado to my best friends to cope and a week later I found out that I needed surgery
My husband was understanding yet did not join me to be by my side
I returned home after several surgeries and my anger inside was so deep
He tried to be kind yet I was just so angry that I could not even take it
I left again because I had to have another surgery
Again. No husband
I went to return home and he stated that he was totally done and not trying anymore
I was floored
He is not with anyone and the home was in a total disaster mode
I left without a fight and sought out an annulment which he will not sign
I pleaded cried and begged yet he keeps saying I am not signing anything with crap in it
He blocks me then unblocked me several times
I finally blew up last week stating that we were going to go the divorce route and stated why
He said he was blocking me yet emailed me I don’t want to be bitter
I am confused
What is he thinking
He wants to not work on us yet he does not sign docs
What is going on here????

Women I am a man and I have done a few of these and I fully regret them al but they are right it was to help me cope us guys have 3 emotional states in a break up insecurity angre and pure sadness and we think we are doing good to help our selfs cope with the stress and issues we have without thinking about the consequences of the other in the relationship

One thing that I am currently experiencing is when the guy dumps you because he has feelings for someone else ans gets in a relationship with the girl two days after the breakup and gets mad by taking it on his friend almost like he regrets his friend introducing me and him when it isn’t his friends fault he is the one that dumped me for someone else and now he gives me the cold shoulder guys are just weird I don’t understand this

I find this true on how man react because they are to proud to feel heartbroken.Im going to a break up myself and it all strated from me leaving him and moved to a friends house because of an argument. At first couples of weeks he was blowing off my phone to come back home i explaned i need it time because i hated to argue almost all the time he so stubborn that it was not easy to be apart from each other…. later days pass by and stopped talking to me he even blocked me i went to look for him and the stuff where gone from the apartment we where living in and end it up pay for that month i was not living their. When i went Back to clean the apartment i found dress and sweater ask neighbors if he brought a girl over they said yes and a few times. I confrunted HIM ABOUT iT bad idea he keeped makinG exCUses of a friends gf change and left it tHeir but who know. Later i try working thinks out and he keeped telling me how he would want the same how he loves me but keeped pushinG me awaY found out he had been talking to a Girl suppose To make me jelouse but have not done anything with her but i was still blocked phone off. After that i just left him alone stoped calling him or text him. A moth after he calls me and i dont answer then texts me saying how he misses me and are daughter did not reply i call him back a day later i was still blocked. Guys always
think with what they have in btw their legs on with their brain i know he loves me but he tries not to feel it.

What if the guy takes it on himself to really reflect on what he did wrong, seek serious changes and changes himself? What if he doesn’t get angry or vindictive or nasty and tries to make the girl feel better or create respect for the time spent together without ego and uses the opportunity to really change himself whether she comes back or not? What if he doesn’t react to the bitter vengeful responses of the girl and shows that he respects himself, the girl and that he doesn’t blame himself because he did the best he could at the time a d niether blames the girl? What does that say about the guy? I did that and didn’t take the ego path or the needy grovelling path.

I appreciate that a break up can affect a guy and a girl in same ways. that is real life and when your heart is in on the hard work it takes to become a happy couple, an end to that can be devestating.

I am sure that if you are deep into a relationship with someone, it is going to be hard to leave that. You put so much into a relationship only to see it walk away from you at the last minute and it leaves you feeling dejected.

I’m on your side Dorothy, I’ll NEVER, NEVER EVER, EVER, EVER go back with this guy I dating. I finally broke it of for good last week. He said some horrible, I mean horible things to me. No other guy I was dating nor had relationships with never said things to me that he said.