High maintenance

Then he immediately adds, “She probably is. Women that pretty usually are.”

I quietly smiled to myself. Not because she was or wasn’t “high maintenance”—I hadn’t a clue either way—but because it reminded of a friend I had in graduate school…

[Experiments in maintenance]

It seemed every few months or so, he’d come up with a new hypothesis on social interaction. Like any good experimentalist—and unlike me because I was a theoretician—he would then apply that to his latest girlfriend. One particular time it was: “a girl just wants to know what you’re doing” and he’d call her before we’d go to lunch. (I forgot how that one collapsed.)

This particular time it was, “Terry, you should date ugly women because they’ll be low maintenance.”

That experiment failed.

Not only was she not “easy on the eyes,” over the summer she fell into the impossible dilemma of being “in love with two guys at once.” He was like, “Here, let me make this easy for you.” and dumped her on the spot. I was so glad when that happened. She was also dumb as a stump and she had a shitty personality—well shitty enough that I actually couldn’t talk to her with any civility. I need friends to gauge looks, but bad personality gets me every time.

The one thing I learned: don’t apply experimental design to create generalizations on social interactions because people are all over the place. I don’t know if there is a correlation between beauty and maintenance, but the instant you think there is, Murphy is going to screw you over with a girl who is ugly, dumb, boring, and unfaithful.

Coming from a lineage of southern debutants and growing up in the land of “Camero hair” I can say with good certainty that high maintenance is usually visible to the trained eye. If the lady in question has a lot of make up and highly accessorized and over coiffed, legs are free of hair, then it is safe to assume she is high maintenance. In particular, the finger nails are a dead giveaway. If you want to get technical then the equation to determine high maintenance would go something like this: the time it takes to get ready / each factor in the maintenance routine = the degree of high maintenance. Obviously, the more factors involved in the maintenance routine, the higher the maintenance or overall high amount of time even with few maintenance factors. Also, there are some girls who must perform a complete maintenance routine before stepping out the door, and others who only perform such routines for weekend outings or special occasions. Hope that helps.

Certainly these girls can maintain themselves. It just means you will not have much spontaneity in your time together and you will be late a lot. There are just limitations that come with the right shoe, the right wardrobe and the right make up.

Ideally, you should aim for a hybrid. One that can ditch the maintenance for a weekend of camping or canoing through the swamps and can realign when the times comes. I have a few HM friends who will not forgo their routine for anything. The good news is that hiking boots are more fashionable these days and come in an array of colors.

There is a fine line you cross as a woman to the HM side and I have been toying with that lately. It started by getting the brows done-which requires maintenance. I have been contemplating getting nail tips (not big ones) done, too, but know that will be a disaster and I won’t be able to code as fast.

One other thing that you should consider as a male, is that your biggest participation in the life of HM female is that of providing validation and affirmation. You will be asked about style, make up and anything that goes into the HM routine. Be prepared to be lambasted if you don’t recognize new efforts and existing efforts; salon day for example. As a male you will need to train yourself to make regular affirmations.