Florida's First Choice for Autism Support

Posts tagged ‘Fathers’

Father’s Day is coming up and I wanted to devote this blog to all the wonderful fathers out there! Earlier this month, I got to visit with local autism dad Olando Rivera, former champion kick boxer and owner of the B.A. Warrior gym here in Tampa. If you’d like to read about my visit and get some great input from a primary source, please feel free to check out here.

It’s no real secret that compared to mothers, fathers don’t receive nearly the same amount of appreciation for what they do. To be fair, there are (mostly cultural) reasons for this. With many families in America, the dad is out working most of the day while the mom stays home and raises the kids. There is no study to support the claim that women naturally have more compassion than men do, though according to this article, women express compassion more often through “nurturing and bonding behaviors,” which is advantageous when taking care of a child with autism. Like most things, however, these are just generalizations, and not always the case. There’s a national trend lately that’s seeing more and more dads act as the primary caregivers in the household. Pew Research reported in June 2014 that at least 2 million men are stay at home dads in the US alone and that number has surely risen since then. So the men are there, and they’re not going anywhere! And this is in no way meant to marginalize the impact or importance of moms; quite the opposite in fact. The mom is the wheel that keeps the whole family spinning, and without them we’d all be lost. This is more about giving thanks to the dads out there, who are just as important and should be respected as such!

To all the moms out there: please, encourage your husband to take a more proactive role in your child’s life. If you read what Olando had to say, follow that advice. His bond with his son is so strong because he got involved, broke down that barrier that so many kids on the spectrum erect, and both father and son are stronger for it. Ultimately though, it’s up to the dads to take that big step. Olando had a great quote: “There’s nothing you can do to change your situation, other than change your situation.” This is very true. A very similar thing happened to my own dad a few years ago. Before I got my diagnosis, my relationship with him was rocky. Not terrible, but we never really connected all that well. After the diagnosis, and after seeing a family therapist, he completely turned things around; he “changed his situation.” Now he and I have a wonderful relationship and I love him dearly. Its stories like Olando’s and hopefully even my own that we’re trying to create more of here at CARD, by raising awareness leading up to Father’s Day.

This Father’s Day, remember to give your dad a big hug, maybe get him a little gift, and most importantly, let him know how much you love and appreciate him!

I want to highlight the importance dads play in raising a child on the spectrum. This is not meant to understate the significance of moms, but simply to give fair representation on both sides of the parenting duo. Perhaps if we in the community start giving them the recognition they deserve, more dads will be motivated to get more involved with their kids’ development. This is something we feel very strongly about, and something we feel needs more attention!

Ever since I was diagnosed with ASD at age 15, I’ve noticed the severe lack of not only father, but male involvement in the autism community as a whole. Why is that? Many researchers in recent years have noted the under representation of fathers in both psychological and sociological child-parent studies. They almost exclusively focus on the mothers, which can be seen as devaluing the paternal role. Some believe that this leads to a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy, where the dads believe they’re not as important in their children’s lives, and as such, it becomes an unfortunate reality.

So what exactly is the role of fathers of those on the spectrum? The answer is quite simple, in theory; it’s the exact same as that of the mother. Reality, however, paints quite a different picture. From what I’ve gathered (and I quite agree with this), many believe that it comes from the pre-conceived cultural notion that the mother has to be the more caring, loving and emotional parent, while the father is seen as the cool, detached disciplinarian. Many dads are also more prone to wanting their kid to be a certain way; i.e. have similar interests and careers when they grow up.

With a child on the spectrum, you can see why this would be an issue. Kids with ASD need that extra parental devotion, since it’s difficult for them in their prepubescent and adolescent lives to develop along the same lines as the general populace without said support. The truth is that mothers in our culture are simply more inclined to do so, while many fathers believe they’re not up to the task, and that they’ve “failed” somehow. The culmination of this is the majority of the time, the kid grows more attached to the mom, ultimately resulting in the widespread belief that moms are better fit to raise their child with ASD.

So now that we know what the current state of fathers is (for many, not all), what can we do to fix it? We can spread the word of course! Showcase the wonderful contributions dads have made to the community, highlight those dads who have gone above and beyond to make a difference in their child’s life, and try to persuade those who are unsure that they are just as important as their wife is.

G. Sosso

***Update: Shortly after this blog was posted an article was released about a study done regarding dads’ involvement.