Our Family Life Today Interview

Question: Stacy, you mentioned that your daughters stay home under your protection. Do sons need this same protection? If not, why not? – R4md Mom

Hi R4md Mom,

What a good question! First, let me point out that when I say we “protect” our daughters, I do not mean that we treat them as perpetual children who are not allowed to make mistakes, do things on their own, or face any sort of danger. My adult daughters are protected just as I, as a woman in the family, am protected; and they are also treated as adults. (By the way, being an adult does not mean you “do your own thing.”) Our girls are very capable, intelligent, strong, outgoing, and connected to our family.

Here’s one example: My 22-year-old daughter (who still lives at home) is getting ready to launch her own sewing business (with the assistance of her younger sister, Jessica). This was her idea, her talent, and her love. I do not sew! She runs most of the errands and does most of the grocery shopping for our family (because she actually thinks it’s fun!); she enjoys a rich and wholesome social life among other Christians, both within and without our church; and she enhances our family table with her gourmet style cooking and delectable desserts (just ask the boys at church!).

When she runs errands or goes to different events, she almost always brings along a few siblings. She loves photography and her favorite thing to take pictures of is…you guessed it…her family!

Tiffany is one of the piano players at our church, helps with homeschooling, and teaches historical dancing to willing learners. Tiffany’s creative flair, sharp wit, and challenging theological debates with her father add excitement to our family! She is hardly a pampered princess pining away in an ivory tower! She is an active, creative, vital part of our family! Though she is looking forward to being a wife and mother, she is not obsessed with the idea. She’s content with where God has her.

Her talents and skills add to the way our family is able to minister to others. Next month she will be traveling to another state to spend time with a pregnant mother of many little ones who is having a difficult pregnancy. She’ll help run the household while this mama gets the bed rest she needs for a healthy pregnancy.

Our other daughters are also very, very talented and amazingly capable (and you should taste Melissa’s scones!) Did I mention they are cute too? (how’s that Jess?). But, since Tiffany’s the oldest at home, and her birthday is coming up, I thought I’d brag on her a little! ;-) Love ya, Tiff!

Though we live in a society that wants to blur the differences between men and women, most of society still protects women to some degree. For instance, women are especially warned about walking alone at night, while men are not usually given the same warning or offer of protection. In fact, a man who asked for that sort of protection would probably be viewed as a wimp!

When we lived in Houston it was suggested that women walking to their cars at night from the mall ask a security guard to escort them to their vehicle. It was generally understood that women were more at risk of being harmed, raped, or even kidnapped than men were. Surely, either sex could be assaulted – especially in a bad neighborhood or in a city; but it was generally expected that a woman needs an escort, or some sort of extra precaution, and a man does not.

A special measure of honor is given to a lady, “the weaker vessel,” by a gentleman. Interestingly, this is unique to the Christian lifestyle. Heathen cultures do not honor or value women – and even their version of “protecting” women has more to do with selfishness and possessiveness (kind of like protecting your livestock) than it does truly protecting or valuing them.

Matthew Henry had this commentary on 1 Peter 3:7)

She is the weaker vessel by nature and constitution, and so ought to be defended: but then the wife is, in other and higher respects, equal to her husband; they are heirs together of the grace of life, of all the blessings of this life and another…The weakness of the female sex is no just reason either for separation or contempt, but on the contrary it is a reason for honour and respect: Giving honour to the wife as unto the weaker vessel.

There’s a book I’d like to review soon called Unprotected that gives very real examples of how vulnerable young women are in university settings. The author exposes the hook-up culture with very candid stories of real heartbreaking accounts. Some of the examples are shocking. It’s written by a campus counselor who got tired of being limited by what type of counsel she could give her students. Pills, abortion, and condoms were ok, but God, the Bible, and real facts about STDs and immoral lifestyles were forbidden.

Granted, many of the issues in the book cover problems that both young women and young men face on American campuses, but the vulnerability of the girls was particularly disturbing.

While we must equip both our sons and our daughters to be strong lights in a dark age, our sons are likely to be called to lead and provide for their families, while our daughters are likely to be called to be helpers. Even if they’re never called to marriage, our hope is that our daughters will feel welcome and content as helpers in our home – or even in the church. If God were to never bring them husbands and we were to die (the grand “what-if” question we’re asked), and nobody was willing to take them into their own family, then we are perfectly confident in their capabilities, and especially in God’s provision.

Our daughters are much more capable of taking care of themselves than I was at their age and I still managed to find a very good job (without having attended college) when I had to. College and being groomed for independent living isn’t the magic pill so many people think it is. Sometimes it can even make one less equipped for life’s trials. Talk to women who were raped while living alone; indoctrinated by feminist, atheist professors; or duped into putting off marriage or children (for the sake of a degree or a career) until it was too late.

Our sons must learn not only to protect and provide for themselves, but also to protect and provide for a wife and children. It is consistent with our beliefs to expect a young man to learn to “fend for himself” or “make his fortune” (at the right age) in preparation for leading and caring for a family.

For the record, how we raise our daughters is a personal choice. Yes, we believe keeping daughters home and protected until marriage is a “better” choice, but we realize not everyone will agree. And even those who do, may not agree with what that looks like exactly. At the same time, we do NOT believe that families who choose to send their daughters away to college are in sin. They very well may be – just as some who keep their daughters home may be in sin. Only God knows our motives.

But according to the Westminster Shorter Catechism, “sin is any want of conformity unto, or transgression of, the law of God.” (1 John 3:4)

There is no law that says “Thou shalt not send your daughter away to college.” For us, it’s kind of like homeschooling. We do not believe that it’s inherently sinful to send your child to a government school. However, since we are given the responsibility to train up our children in the ways of God night and day (Deut. 6:7-9), and to ensure that they grow up with a thoroughly Christian worldview, we feel like the best (if not the only) way to ensure that this is done (especially these days) is to teach them at home.

We are certainly willing to defend our case for why we believe what we believe, but that does not mean we are condemning anyone who believes differently on areas that are not sin. I have found it amazing how little grace we’ve been given by other Christians for the way we raise our daughters.

The non-Christians we know are curious about our lifestyle and love being around our family and especially our daughters. They ask all sorts of questions and we’ve had more opportunities to witness about Jesus because of the wholesome presentation and availability (for hospitality and service) of our daughters than any other reason. I’ve decided that sometimes the heathen are a lot easier to deal with than go-with-the-flow Christians. I’d rather minister to a teachable heathen over a prideful, defensive Christian any day!

Update: Tiffany became Mrs. Benjamin Hector on on May 15, 2010. To God be the glory!

73 Responses to “Protecting Our Daughters”

I’m working on a post right now on stay-at-home daughterhood. Would you like me to e-mail it to you, for possible posting on your blog? Just let me know if you’re interested in that! :) I’d be honored, if you would be interested in doing this, but please don’t feel pressured!

It’s so sad how our culture today doesn’t protect females like it once did. At the time of the Titanic, if a woman was traveling alone, she was seen as being unprotected, and so they would assign a member of the crew to be her protector. How beautiful that is! If only our country was still like that. Chivalry is a beautiful, yet oftentimes longlost art. What a shame! I believe that one of the main reasons for this is feminism. Feminism has fashioned women into being men, and so men don’t really feel like they have any duty to protect them anymore(not that most feminists would even let them protect them anyway!).

It’s also tragic that more Christian families don’t homeschool. I have no desire to be judgemental towards those who don’t, but I have to say that they’re truly missing out on something wonderful. Government schools(public and private) are really nothing but ungodly, unBiblical indoctrination camps, designed to fashion children so that they’ll be useful to the State. In God’s Word, we’re warned that bad company corrupts good morals, and that’s exactly what’s happening in countless government schools today.

Thanks again for this great post!

Blessings,Rebekah

P.S. My mother and I wear dresses and skirts exclusively, as well. What a joy it is to be a lady! :) It’s so great to meet likeminded females, such as you and your family! May the Lord richly bless you!

Stacy, thank you for this great article. It’s enlightening and lovely to hear more about your family! I’m especially glad that you let your daughters choose and wish to protect them at the same time.

As to women and protection, I too am glad that our society still protects women. No matter how important it is for women to be equals in politics, it is very true that women are still physically weaker unless they train hard.

Rebekah, just to let you know a little about my life and raising: I think you’re wrong that most feminists don’t let men kindly offer protection. Only radical, ultra-wild feminists do this, whereas the majority of people, feminist or otherwise, understand the importance of needing protection.

One thing that most all feminists do exhort, and that I agree with, is that women should learn good defense tactics. If there is one thing I think it’s vital for all women to remember, it’s that a good man will not always be there and we need to be prepared for anything. I’m right now trying to get in shape, both for health and safety reasons. Believe me, there are all kinds of ways for women to strengthen themselves: I’m using my father’s weights for lifting and building muscle, excercising my legs to move fast, strengthening my fists for gripping, and going over defense tactics in my mind (if I’m ever out at night and alone outside my car, I carry my keys in my hand rather than my purse; I hear that keys can be a powerful weapon for stabbing an assailant.) I will never deliberately place myself in danger, but I need to know how to defend myself if the unexpected occurs.

I also must disagree about public schools. Sure, they have their faults, but the fact of the matter is they can be a good preparation tool for life. I’ve been public-schooled my whole life and wouldn’t trade it for anything. I can’t tell you how many beloved memories I have: wonderful teachers, friends, and counselors have helped me become the person I am today. Was it ever hard? Of course, but this was a training tool. I used to be quiet and terribly shy, but the presence of friendly people warmed me and the presence of aggressive people taught me to stand up for myself. Now, I would never let a bully hurt my self-image because I know I’m more than they say I am, and this is a lesson I could not have learned if I stayed home. My parents are very protective, but they’re also realistic and they knew what public school could teach me: not only did it teach me to relate to others and defend myself, but it also helped me in scholarly matters that my parents could not have. I have a few learning disabilities, you see, and my parents would never have understood what caused them or how to help me if the professionals at school hadn’t identified them.

Basically what I’m saying is, my family is a non-homeschooling family and God has protected and blessed us. It is possible to have a blessed homeschooled life or publicschooled life, as long as you trust in God.

Oh, and just a minor note: when it comes to clothes, I’ve never really cared for pants either (this drove my mom crazy when I was little, in the winter!) I prefer skirts too, and shorts in the summer.

Hope this wasn’t too long a post, just wanted to share my experience as a woman with different upbringing!

I have read your book on raising daughters. Would you be able to share with us some of the ways you teach your sons to be Godly Men?

I only have daughters, but as our oldest is now “finished” with official homeschooling, but still learning every day, my husband and I want to know what to look for if and when a man might seek a courtship with her.

Of course, we have a good idea, but I was wondering as the mother of three sons what you do with them to prepare them for marriage or single adulthood.

Thank you for your genuine and grace-filled position. Although I agree with how your family has approached this issue, I know that many Christian families do not and it is so refreshing to see a grace-based non-condemning attitude in your heart. My family is very young (20 months and one due any day) and even in the short time that we have had children we have been ridiculed and criticized for our decisions — and all from Christians. This has been very hard on me, especially since a great deal has come from Christian family members. I have been so tempted to “give in” to “keep the peace” but God has just not given my husband or I that freedom from the convicitions that He has laid on our hearts. Your site, along with so many others that you are connected with, daily give me encouragement to stand fast and hold tight to the promises that God has given me for my little blessings. Thank you.

The timing of this post is perfect for me. I just watched Return of the Daughters yesterday and I’m now working through all the extra features. I loved this beautiful movie from Vision Forum about protecting daughters, although it challenged me. I have lots to think about. We, however, have no daughters. Only 4 sons. I was happy to see you address this issue, Stacy, but I wish there had been more about sons. Most of your post was about daughters. Would you consider posting a follow-up with more details about sons? We talk about this issue frequently in our home. Will we homeschool our sons for high school? What should they do for college? How do we help our oldest son make the transition from childhood to manhood? It is hard to know how much to shelter and when to let them begin to “fend for themselves” more, as you put it. Molly in GAhttp://www.counterculturalmom.blogspot.com

Thank you for this post – I loved it! I have been reading this blog for about a month now after getting your latest book, another source of grace for me! :) I have appreciated and learned a lot from many of your topics, but something about this one really prompted me to write and say thanks! I have one daughter, age 4, and this helps gives me a vision for what she could be like in her later teens. This is definitely not how I was raised, though I did grow up in a christian family. THanks for great thought provoking ideas that push me to go to the source – His very Word – for ultimate teaching and truth. Again, thanks for your passion for biblical femininity and your boldness to teach it!

Stacy,I really appreciate this post. Since I was not raised this way, it gives me a lot to think about. I have read your Raising Maidens of Virtue book, and greatly appreciate that as well. But, here’s a question, how do you start this training and thinking while they are still young? Are there resources to use, or ideas you have? I want to begin to express these ideas and virtues with my daughter (she’s 5 now), but feel at a loss in how to begin. Any thoughts? Thank you so much!Blessings!

Bless you! I am glad to know I am not alone in lately finding other Christians much more condemning than the un-churched! Your post is like a salve to my soul; knowing I *can* raise these daughters, by God’s grace, even in the midst of persecution. Thank you!

Hi Stacy- ( I have no idea how to leave my email address for you. Do I write it out in the post?) Anyway, I loved this post. You and I are sort of “neighbors”; we live in roughly the same geographical area of Illinois, only we are out in the northern fringes of this area! We have homeschooled for nearly ten years now and I totally agree with you that other Christians can, BY FAR, be the most difficult people we ever encounter in our homeschooling. We live in a small, fairly isolated rural community where EVERYONE sends their children to the public school. We were the only homeschool family in our church for years, and the sense of isolation and lonliness we have had has been crushing at times. Many of the people who have lived in this small, rural farming area all their lives cannot begin to understand why we wouldn’t want to send our children to the school here. But having been in this town for almost 20 years now, the “fruit” in the lives of nearly all these “churched” children is literally nonexistent. We have seen family after family raise their children here, sending them to the public school and living very worldly lives in general, and then watch those same children walk away from their faith as soon as they turn 18. I am so thankful we did not choose that path, even though it’s been so hard for us here sometimes. The fruit we are beginning to see in the lives of our older children who are nearing adulthood make us feel like all the effort and sense of being completely misunderstood has been more than worth it. You keep doing what you are doing in regards to how you raise your children, because it greatly encourages our family when we meet families like yours and what you described!! I am eternally thankful for the growth God has brought into our lives through these difficult circumstances, and I would encourage other, young homeschooling moms who are just starting out on their homeschooling journeys to “hang in there” when criticism inevitably comes your way! You will be thankful for the rest of your lives that you did! Susan

Any way you can up the font size on this post? I’m linking to it from LAF, and I really enjoyed it, but it was very hard to read–so tiny I had to get right up to the screen to see it–LOL! ;-) Blessings, Jennie

Thanks, Jennie. I thought I had fixed it when someone else mentioned it, but I guess Blogger was acting weird. It seems to be a problem with the font selection. I tried to make the font for the captions smaller, but then it shrunk the font for the whole article. Anyway, I just enlarged the font on the whole thing – that was the only way I could get it to work.

The strange thing is, it wasn’t small on my computer – it looked fine. Tiffany said it’s because I use Internet Explorer and everyone else uses Firefox. :-)

First of all this a very good article and its important to make that disctiton as so many people confuse protecting with coddling.

Something I might add though to your comment “Heathen cultures do not honor or value women – and even their version of “protecting” women has more to do with selfishness and possessiveness (kind of like protecting your livestock) than it does truly protecting or valuing them.”

while this is true of some cultures I believe its importantfrom aministry standpoint to understand that some religious cultures seek to “glorify” women as divine or see so called “empowerment” as protection when it not.

How true that it is easier to talk to a teachable heathen than a go-with-the-flow Christian. I was one of those who were indoctrinated by feminism on the college campus. I tho’t it was bunk then, but it was still irritating to only be taught one side of the story. I married before I had my B.S., but I wasn’t going to be like those women who dropped out of college when they married. I stuck to it and finished my M.S. as well. Now I’m a contented homeschool mom, happily allowing my degrees to collect dust.

I was introduced to your blog by a friend. Thanks for sharing your beautiful family and thoughts with us.

I do have a question…I am in the thought process of this post(I am new to the protecting daughters theme)…do any of your kids desire to go to college? If they did, how would you approach this? Would you limit the colleges or say no ?

“Now, I would never let a bully hurt my self-image because I know I’m more than they say I am, and this is a lesson I could not have learned if I stayed home.”

Hi Jennifer,

I disagree with a lot of what you say about public schools vs. homeschool, but let me just address this one sentence above for now. I happened to be the victim of bullies all through elementary and junior high – even some in high school. I was vulnerable to their lies about me because, at the time, I wasn’t a Christian and my identity was not in Christ. That’s the only “self image” we should have.

You say that you couldn’t have “learned this at home” and I must say I passionately disagree. Our homeschooled children are able to embrace their identity in Christ by being home with a family who loves them, encourages them, trains them, corrects them, and prays for them all throughout the day. They get the same continued encouragement and reinforcement from our friends from church and in the community. There is no way in the world our children would have a better training ground living amongst (mostly) heathen teachers and students every day; and being indoctrinated with biased curriculum with a politically correct agenda. No way.

Melissa and Molly, we’re not sure what we’ll do when our two youngest sons reach adulthood (they’re 11 and 2). Things were different when our oldest son was growing up (he’s now 24) because we had a home business at the time and he could work for his father (we owned Homeschooling Today magazine and a bookstore). He was a self-taught computer designer with a lot of talent. He lived at home and learned as he went.

Things will be different with the two younger ones and we’re still praying through all the details. Any ideas?

“Do any of your kids desire to go to college? If they did, how would you approach this? Would you limit the colleges or say no?”

There are many opportunities for “college from home” these days. That would be our preference for our daughters, and possibly our sons. However, if we had a son who wanted to be a doctor or something that would obviously require his physically being in college, at least for part of the schooling, then we would encourage a local college if possible, where we could still have a major influence in his life.

Again, we’re still working through all the details of this for our boys, since this isn’t a road we’ve walked yet.

Stacy, you said, “You say that you couldn’t have “learned this at home” and I must say I passionately disagree. Our homeschooled children are able to embrace their identity in Christ by being home with a family who loves them, encourages them, trains them, corrects them, and prays for them all throughout the day.”

I would be tempted to do the same for my own children, Stacy. I know every family and circumstance is different. When I say that I could not have learned what I have at home, I mean I, personally, could not have learned this at home. What worked for me wouldn’t work for others, and vice versa. Plus, there’s the matter of whether or not a child will stay protected at home once they reach adulthood. If they have no plans of doing so and intend to move out before they are married, I think they might as well go to public school and begin to get used to people of the outer world who don’t necessarily share their beliefs. Since I’ve always planned to go to college and get a job once I reach adulthood, there was no point in my staying home for education. Plus, my parents just weren’t trained teachers like some parents are. Believe me, my experience has been one of amazing worth, countless friends, endless adventures and wonderful teachers. My parents have always played a part in it and I have them to thank for it.

“There is no way in the world our children would have a better training ground living amongst (mostly) heathen teachers and students every day; and being indoctrinated with biased curriculum with a politically correct agenda.”

Indeed, it’s such a shame not everyone can have a positive experience in public school. My teachers were wonderful people who encouraged my writing gifts and buoyed my confidence. I was a quiet and obedient girl who had more interest in reading books than chatting during class and my teachers always appreciated it. I will say my parents and my faith had great parts in this; my faith in God was my armor and my knowledge as a child of Christ was, indeed, my true image of myself.

Oh and btw, Jayne, thank you for mentioning sexual and physical disorders. Indeed, you’re right that this is a very unfortunate affliction that some children suffer. Some extremely rare cases even include babies being born with more than one pair of reproductive organs. The good news about this is that even those children have only one inherent gender which can usually be discovered by simply looking at their internal organs. Ex: one baby boy appeared to be born with female parts. Once the doctors did an X-ray, however, they discovered he had no womb, uteras, or anything of the sort, and so were able to determine that his real organs were just late in developing upon his birth. (The problem was soon fixed, and last I heard he was developing as a very healthy little boy. Praise God, His true design will not be hidden!)

Stacy, you also said further down, “However, if we had a son who wanted to be a doctor or something that would obviously require his physically being in college, at least for part of the schooling, then we would encourage a local college if possible, where we could still have a major influence in his life.”

Would you do the same if you had a daughter who wished to be a doctor?

I’m not sure what you mean by “allow,” but we would definitely discourage a daughter from seeking a career outside the home. It is our conviction that women are called to keepers at home. I realize this means different things to different people; however, since our family believes that Scripture calls most women to be wives and mothers, it makes sense to prepare them for this wholeheartedly.

What a wonderful post!I am 27 years old, married with a 3 year old daughter, 1 year old son and baby on the way. The idea of a girl not going to college, but being trained in the ways of Titus 2 never crossed my mind until I had my own daughter and realised I do not want her to grow up as I did. It was my father who encouraged me to date lots of guys, wait to settle down and be sure above all to finish college! But I am so thankful for women like you (actually, families like yours) who have opened my eyes to how awesome the role of a woman (even a young unmarried woman)truly is. It’s just amazing to me to hear of daughters rejoicing in being female and staying at home – keep posting this stuff, women like me need help and encouragement!!!

Hello, Mrs. MacDonald The girls in my family wear skirts all the time too! It’s wonderful to hear about a large family that believes like we do (there’s 8 kids in my family…I’m #3) I had seen Tiffany and Jessica’s blogs awhile back, but lost them… do they still have them?Thanks, Achaia

As a rather young guy who is in secular graduate school and attended a Christian college, I would say without hesitation that conservative Christian women are criticized far more often for their beliefs than men. I suppose I can coast by as an “ignorant” male. I also admire people and families who stick with their beliefs even though I may disagree.

Allow me to offer a few comments on the broader area-

I am happy that you included the caveat about other beliefs on this matter. So often, all I hear from conservative Christians is condemnation for any Christian that dares attend a secular educational institution. In turn, I’ve criticized many for “putting their heads in the sand.”

What really needs to be stressed is how one uses the Christian faith in secular culture. How does it apply to modern scholarship, ethics etc…? Christianity is intellectual. This is what I couldn’t find in so many churches. My generation asks serious questions, and the church is in danger of becoming ever more irrelevant if it continues to offer “glib” (however true they may be) answers.

We as Christians are making a difference at universities- maybe it’s small for now, but we do impact people with our faith. I’ve had the privilege of knowing several Christian women who maintained a vibrant faith and were serious about their academic studies. One can be a Christian woman and pursue advanced studies (college, graduate levels); the two are not incompatible.

Stacy,Thanks for addressing some of our questions. You asked what we plan to do with our boys….like you, I am not sure.

My oldest son is 11, so we still have time. It seems from what you’ve said that boys do not need to be sheltered in the same way as girls, especially as they enter adulthood.

I know my husband wants our boys to go to college. It can be quite a stigma, especially for a man, not to have a college education. It is very important to us that our sons be able to support their families on a single income, and we feel a college degree will most likely be a help in that.

I know some boys become entrepreneurs and skip college, but I don’t believe we will encourage our boys to take that route.

That said, we need to be doing our very best now to prepare our boys to go out into the world and stand fast for Christ. I desire greatly that my boys will not just “hang on for dear life” in our ungodly culture, but that they will have a transformative effect within their sphere.

“we need to be doing our very best now to prepare our boys to go out into the world and stand fast for Christ.”

I hope this is a preparation that girls get as well. As a woman, I am very eager to stand strong as a Christian in the world and I hope that young women will be trained to be an example to anyone, wherever they are.

“boys do not need to be sheltered in the same way as girls, especially as they enter adulthood.”

Boys most definitely need protection, especially as they enter adulthood. They don’t need the same physical protection that young women do, but they desperately need strong SPIRITUAL protection. When I look at the world and advertising, it becomes clear that so many things, from binge drinking and aggressive driving to sexually explicit commercials, are aimed at young men more than anyone else. Young men face a different world of danger every day: that of mental and spiritual snares and dangers. As young men mature, they need to be taught how to channel their natural aggression, passion, and physical lust. If they get caught up in the wrong company (as it’s so easy to do!) both their physical and spiritual health could be thrown into great danger. Never forget our young men; if Satan doesn’t try to put them at the mercy of dark aggression, he may try to place them in charge of it instead.

I’m not sure you and I are on the same page. Please allow me to respond to your comments.

You said, “I hope this is a preparation that girls get as well.”

Of course! But I only have boys, no daughters. I was referring to Stacy’s specific question, asking me what I was planning to do with my boys. If we ever have a daughter, we will, of course, prepare her to stand fast, too!

Also, I’m not sure you understood me with the second quote. I wrote: “It seems from what you’ve said that boys do not need to be sheltered in the same way as girls”

I was trying to see if I understood what Stacy was saying, not suggesting that boys don’t need anything from us parents as they enter adulthood. In Stacy’s original post she wrote:

“Our sons must learn not only to protect and provide for themselves, but also to protect and provide for a wife and children. It is consistent with our beliefs to expect a young man to learn to “fend for himself” or “make his fortune” (at the right age) in preparation for leading and caring for a family.”

This whole concept about sheltering girls and when/how to send boys forth into the world to conquer is all new to me.

I agree that boys/men can fall prey to temptations, just as girls can. Nevertheless, they can’t stay tied to mommy’s apron strings forever. At some point they need to make their way in the world, to prepare for the family they themselves will lead.

I hope and pray (and diligently strive) to train my boys in such a way that they will be able to stand strong against those temptations, even at a young age. I want my boys to see those so-called temptations as the lie that they are, that my boys might not even BE tempted by unholy, empty living.

Daniel was 14 years old when he was taken into captivity in Babylon. We do not need to assume that just because our boys are young that they cannot have the character needed to stand strong in their faith for the Lord.

I am sure my husband and I will want to have a lot of influence in our boys’ lives….but just as this idea of protecting girls is new for some, the idea of letting boys “fend for themselves” is new to me. I am hoping this discussion will help my husband and I to get a better grasp of this progression when it comes to our four boys.

When I look at my own heart, I am not worried that I will throw my boys out to the world and have too little influence. I worry that I will seek to keep them as little boys for too long, not allowing them to become men soon enough.

I am grateful we still have several years to think and pray through all of this! I am gaining so much from this discussion.

Molly, I have no doubt at all that you train your boys diligently and that Stacy does as well. I hope I didn’t give the opposite impression. My comments were made more towards daughters and sons in general, not primarily yours or Stacy’s. I’ve just heard certain people talk about shielding daughters so much and toughening sons, I was afraid both young men and women were being overlooked in different ways (not by anyone here, though). I was just letting out my concern in general; sorry I wasn’t clear!

What an excellent post and I agree that Christians (or at least those that profess to be Christians)can sometimes be meaner than non-Christians.

Our daughter is a pre-teen and we are exploring the idea of not sending her off to college when she’s an adult. She enjoys being at home with her family and heartily agrees with this idea.

I was thinking about the dangers you spoke of in sending a daughter off to college and also what you spoke of concerning how the world thinks sending a young daughter off to learn to fend for herself is the best thing for her.

I’ve seen this mindset in operation and the disasterous results. I know a young woman who didn’t want to be sent off to college, far away from home. She wanted to be a housewife. She was sent off anyway. She met a young man, married, and found a good paying job. A year later she became emotionally attached to a man where she works and now is comtemplating divorce from her husband. It seems clear to me that sending her away to learn to make it on her own in the big, wide world was not beneficial to her.

Thank you for writing on a topic that is not popular but is so very worthy and true.

Your post has reminded me of how deeply I feel about this. I just wanted to let you know how glad I am that you and Dad decided to train me at home, under your protection and guidance.

Who knows where I would be right now if I’d been let out “to the wolves!” How incredibly thankful I am to you and Dad, that you cared enough about me to protect me.

God has been so good to me. In the past few months especially; He has truly revealed to me the beauty of a woman’s role – at home with her family. I really and truly cannot think of a place I’d rather be.

Thank you for investing in me, loving me, and training me up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

Very well said. Thank you for sharing. We are feeling God move in our hearts about not sending our daughters away to college. If they do it’s a Christian college, but even at that we are just not sure it’s right for our daughters.

Hi Stacy, I’ve been following you and your husband and family for a few years now, beginning when I found your Homeschooling Today magazine in our local library! I have been encouraged by your articles and more recently, by your blog. Thank you for taking time out of your busy life to reach out to us!

This topic about daughters is interesting to me. We have four daughters and one son whom we’ve always homeschooled. Our oldest daughter, Hana, is a freshman at a state school this year; our youngest just turned three. I love being a home-making mommy, much to my surprise, after my government school upbringing, and I am doing my best to inspire my daughters likewise. I do teach high school, however, making sure my children have a presentable transcript in case they choose to go to college. And as Hana reached college age she definitely leaned that way. I am not opposed to college if it is used correctly. My years of public school and college created in me a disdain for home-making. I felt a career and ‘making it on my own’ were of utmost importance; women who stayed home (like my Mom) were inadequate and being just a mom and wife was so passé. On the other hand, I know a homeschool family who did not prepare their daughters for the college option and we felt that at least one of their daughters should have gone to college. I have talked long and often with my older girls about the value of having a skill, such as they might get at college, in their back-pocket, such as a teaching or nursing degree; a skill they can use in ministry (i.e. working as or with missionaries) until their husband arrives, and on a part-time basis if their family runs into hard times. Hana is studying music education so she can have a music studio out of her home someday, and my second daughter is thinking along the same lines. We’ve also talked at length about the secular culture on campus, its danger, even its appeal, and how to recognize it for what it is. And hopefully, my children can be a light for Christ in a generally dark setting.

I’m not quite sure how to keep an adult child home if they choose to continue their education elsewhere. Hana is a strong Christian and quickly hooked up with a Reformed University Fellowship group on campus. She keeps up online with her Christian friends back home for accountability.

I personally would like to keep my daughters home. I think online colleges sound great, too, but Hana was ready to go. The door will remain open for her here at home as for my other daughters, but I am content with her decision, especially as we see God working in her life as she grows there.

Debbie, what a lovely post! I’m glad to see you are so vigilant, yet also open-minded, about your daughters and their future. Thank you for sharing; the presence of mothers like you is very encouraging to me.

Hi ladies,I would highly recommend Raising a Modern Day Knight for all of you who are interested in biblical and current ways of training up our boys. It is very thorough and appropriate with everything from creating a family crest to passing levels of boyhood with ceremonies. My husband and I were just talking about going back through it since our son is now 9. We are desperate to be intentional to raise a godly young man who will reflect the Lord as he becomes a man and has a family.

I so enjoyed the posts about raising daughters and will keep checking back too.

Some of these posts were very interesting. I’m so glad that I found this website… I was homeschooled from my first day of kindergarten through high school (I remember getting the magazine your family used to publish… I thought it was great fun to count how many children were in the family on the cover).

My parents didn’t let me go away to school (I wanted to go to PCC for a time, but I am now very thankful that I didn’t. I’m also thankful that the Lord helped me to keep a good attitude and to realize that my parents had my best interest at heart). I did, however, attend Stetson University. It is 8 minutes from my house. I was able to commute each day, coming home after my classes.

I guess this post is to say two things: first, you can stay at home and be protected, as well as graduate from college. Second: Someone said that homeschooling might not prepare you as well for college as public school. I have to disagree with this. I had absolutely no problem being accepted into college, received almost a full scholarship, and graduated summa cum laude. I don’t say that to boast, just to prove that homeschooling, if done properly, DOES indeed prepare a child for further education.

My brother is graduating from high school (homeschooled, too) in May and he will be doing the same thing I did. He’ll be pre-med, though, so he will eventually need to go away as we don’t have a med school in our area.

Stacey,As someone who as an “unprotected” daughter, I thank you for laying a vision for what I can do to protect MY daughter as she grows up. Also, I was touched by your final paragraph which speaks about the criticism you’ve received from other Christians about your family’s desire to be around each other. I recall going to school with the youngest son of one of the most Godly families I know. But, at the time, I found it weird to say the least that he was so fond of his parents and siblings, particularly since I myself am an only child. While I just found it puzzling, I recall others who actually accused the family’s siblings of being romantically attracted to each other! Can you imagine? But, this type of mockery was common. I’m glad to report that all of the children maintain strong relationships (even though they no longer live close by to one another) and have not abandoned their strong faith or commitment to family.~Bethany

I hesitate to ask you this because in doing so, I have to admit I was reading a blog that I am sure borders on gossip and attacking other Christians and I probably already know the answer, but here goes anyway.

Do you not allow your daughters out of your sight? In other words are your adult daughter not allowed to leave your house without you or your husband?

Also, I remember reading recently (on your husband’s blog I think) the story of your adoption. I don’t remember it being a negative experience, but on another blog I read where one woman said that because of your bad adoption experience, you’re afraid your daughters will get pregnant out of wedlock. Now I realize that isn’t even a logical statement, but I thought you should know what people are saying. If you’d like I can send you the link to where this was said.

How unfortunate that people feel it necessary to gossip and twitter about other Christians. I’m sorry you were exposed to such nonsense. Thanks for asking me directly rather than blindly believing. :-)

“Do you not allow your daughters out of your sight? In other words are your adult daughter not allowed to leave your house without you or your husband?”

LOL! No, this is not true. Our adult daughters are adults. They do honor my husband’s wishes when he requests that they not drive at night etc. And there are times when he lets them know he would prefer to chaperone them for an event or if they are going to a neighborhood that’s not so safe. Also, he doesn’t like me or the girls to drive alone at night.

We do most things together as a family and I suppose that seems odd to many people these days. We don’t have our own individual social lives, but that doesn’t mean we don’t EVER do anything alone. We aren’t joined at the hip – yet we are definitely together ALOT! ;-)

“…but on another blog I read where one woman said that because of your bad adoption experience, you’re afraid your daughters will get pregnant out of wedlock.”

I think this question disturbed me the most. I can’t imagine what would have posessed someone to make such an untrue statement about my adoption experience. My husband recently put up a testimony of my adoption and in it he points out:

“Stacy was placed into the family of her adoptive parents when she was eighteen months old. By God’s grace, they chose to take on a child who was past infancy, loaded with hefty medical bills, and facing future difficult surgeries. Yet despite all that, they brought Stacy home and called her their own. Years later, when God captured the heart of my wife, He revealed to her the providential Hand that had protected and guided her throughout her life…

Since that time, not only has Stacy grown to appreciate her adoptive parents in new ways, she has also grown close to her birth family—especially her grandparents. When asked about her thoughts on God’s providential hand in her life, she says this: ‘I stand amazed and humbled that God spared my life and, by His grace, given me the chance to raise ten beautiful children for His glory.’”

Thank you for your response, Stacy. It makes a lot of sense. As you may already know there are those who have taken an email that you sent your private email list a few years back (as private as a Yahoo list can be) and are examining it for inconsistencies in what you say now.

Now I realize that many ideas and convictions can change in so many years, but have yours? You give an example of another young lady who became pregnant as a teen and said, “She was not protected by her father. She was allowed to live a very “adult” life at a very young age. She had her “own” friends, had boyfriends and went to parties.”

You said that she wrote poetry before she died where you could “sense the deep desire she had for a relationship with her much-too-busy father. She longed for his attention.”

Then you said it would be “near impossible” for any of your daughters to become pregnant, either by rape or otherwise.” You said, “We don’t do youth group etc. and we do things as a family. They are very protected and sheltered. They’re also showered with love and affection by their father. Not the oooey-gooey kind, but the respectful kind that shows a cherished kind of love. This is the way God intended. I don’t believe young girls need to be out and about unescorted.”

Again, I realize you could have changed your stand since then, but I’m wondering how this is consistent with what you just said about your daughters doing things on their own now.

I appreciate your question very much. I know there has been a huge misrepresentation of our beliefs (purposeful or not is for God to decide – but it’s hard to fathom that it’s unintentional when I’ve contacted some of these people personally to let them know what they’re saying is untrue). Anyway, I’m glad you came to me to clarify.

The email you are referencing is an email I sent to my private email group over 6 years ago.

Someone is trying to claim that what I told you on March 19 is a lie. They are saying that we do in fact keep our adult daughters “in our sight at all times.” To be perfectly frank, they don’t know us and the burden of proof is on them; yet they attempt to use hearsay and disconnected emails from 6 years ago as proof of their accusations. They don’t have all the facts, but they want to judge a situation that’s none of their business.

Six years ago our older daughters ranged in age from 11-17; they are now 17-23 and one of them is married! Things obviously look different now, but that doesn’t mean our convictions have drastically changed since then (though I’m sure some have – we grow in Christ daily). Do you remember every little thing you beleived six years ago?

Not that I can fathom how anyone feels they have the right to demand details of our personal life, but I’ll repeat it again anyway: Our daughters are most certainly allowed to “leave our house without me or my husband.” Our daughter, who is fully licensed, drives alone at least several times a week. Our daughters, with Tiffany driving, have attended functions with church members without James or me. We do allow our daughters to drive (though we wait until they are older and more mature). Our daughters do vote (and so do I). We do not teach anyone that they must “raise their daughters exactly like we do or else they are in sin.”

I have been told that what is said about me is not gossip or slander because I am a “public figure,” but just because someone writes a book doesn’t mean everyone has automatic rights to their personal life. It doesn’t mean they are not human and the Scriptures against gossip and slander no longer apply. Even those who write the National Enquirer, which is filled with all sorts of gossip and slander (against “public figures”), are sinning when they do it (and so are those who read it)!

I do not take offense with the disagreement of my (actual) teachings. I take offense with the misrepresentation of them, and with the public discussion of my personal life. That is beyond the scope of honest critique.

Thank you for going out on a limb and sharing your convictions. I agree with the (many!) other comments – you have addressed this with loving grace and firmness, and truly moved me to tears thinking about the future for my own daughter (and so many others out there who need some kind of protection but don’t even know how to ask for it without being ridiculed!). I’m not sure yet where I fall on this issue yet, but I feel like I’m moving in the right direction after reading your article. God bless your courage and your family! Dana

Does anyone know of any Christian resources I can use to help teach my 5 year old daughter about her body? I am embarassed to admit but I am not equipped to do this and I know the questions are coming. I don’t mean about how babies are made but more like what to call body parts and why we are different. Also why it is inappropriate to let others see them without clothes, etc. I would appreciate any advice. Theresa

I have a quick question for you or one of your daughters. I am mom to four girls and was wondering what books you might recommend for ages 10-15. My husband and I have thrown out the tv and want our girls to read profitable material over the summer. We would prefer biographies, historical accounts, etc to fiction. Just wondering what your girls read and if you have any recommendations or a link that was any good recommendations. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

First of all, sorry I’m ridiculously late (I didn’t find this blog until today…work induced desperate web searching). I’m almost seventeen, and will still be when I graduate high school. I was home-schooled for about a year in late middle/early high school, and it was a complete failure. I was more depressed than ever before, and I won’t hesitate to say that it was a contributing factor in the anorexia that I still have problems with. I admire you for having the strength and patience to home-school your children, but don’t you consider that even for Christian families, sometimes it just isn’t the best thing? I’m doing better in my public school than any other setting. Another Thing. I’m intelligent, want to travel, want to be a successful writer of some type. I have a significant other who wants to marry me, yet we both want make money to mutually support each other. My parents certainly watch over me, but let me have opportunities like going to Europe, to a conference this summer, etc. I’ve always yearned to go to college, preferably far way, though I don’t have a problem with the state university (I live in the city that it is in).

Sorry for the novella, but basically, if one of your daughters not only just wanted to go to college, but deeply desired to go (and I mean away to college, not living at home), would you stop her? Have you really not run into this problem yet?

Stacy,I can’t begin to tell you how much my family & I are being blessed by your book “Raising Maidens of Virtue”! My daughter is almost 8 yrs. old…besides our Bible is there any book/resource that you would suggest for aid in training young girls? Thank you so much & God bless.

As a young Christian woman who was forced to go to college because it is the “norm”, I can tell you from experience that you are dead right about everything in this post. I went to college so far from home, with no rules, and no guidance. I dropped out after a semester. I went to a college called Washington and Lee University because my father went there. With out going into details, it just was a TOXIC environment and I think that most colleges are.

I live at home now, and am so happy. You are doing the right thing with your girls, and I want to tell you what an inspiration you are to me. I want to be a wonderful mother like you! You and your books truly inspire me! Thank you!

I think its sad that diversity and acceptance is pushed on us when it comes to certain issues but when you bring Christian values into the mix there is no room for acceptance – we're radicals for wanting to have a say in what our children are taught, or the friends that they spend their time with. I watched an ABC Family movie the other night that just got me all riled up. This teenage girl spent the whole movie disobeying and lying to her father and getting into trouble… she never got caught, her dad apologized for being "over-protective" and said she should be able to do what she wanted to… and of course she got the "hottest" guy in school. How ridiculous the whole thing is when you think about it! The media is just perpetuating the myth that parents shouldn't have any say in the lives of their teens. I think the teenage years are a crucial time when it comes to parental involvement. It burns me up inside to see family values being warped by the media. I don't think that there is only one way to raise your kids but I think your family is probably closer to what God intended than the majority of families in our day and age. Keep up the good work!* I am the oldest of five kids(four girls & one boy), I'm 28, married, two sons, my parents still have a 22yr old (working), 17yr old and a 13yr old(boy) all at home. Becoming a parent myself has helped me understand my parents alot more (and the things they have done over the years). May God Bless and Keep you and yours.

I know that I need to pour over your blog to find the answer, but I am hoping that you can give me a short answer (which of course will require more reading). :)

I so agree with everything in this post. I think the thing that grabbed me most is godliness of your daughters. I so worry about my children’s hearts and making sure that they follow and serve the Lord with all their heart. How do you instill that in them? (I have three daughters). Is it in your book (Maidens)? I just got it and have not begun to read it yet.

I also desire the same for our son (we only have 1 at the moment). How to instill a desire in him to love and serve the Lord? Is there a book on that too??

I want my children to have that personal and saving relationship with Jesus. I want them to shine for Jesus (like I can see in the pictures of your children). I just don’t know how. Thank you for any words of wisdom you can share.

Mrs. McDonald, I have a question about adult daughters that is rather sensitive, so I am posting anonymously and would not expect you to publish it. Given the well-documented issues in some Christian marriages surrounding the area of intimacy — which I believe you have covered before and with great sensitivity — how, and when, do you instruct your adult daughters on the issue? Certainly one would not want to spend great time on the subject while a young woman is still unattached, for fear of igniting a flame before its time, but I do believe that there is a place for some instruction and discussion about this beautiful part of God’s design for marriage. I would love to hear your thoughts on this issue if you are comfortable sharing them.

“She was allowed to live a very “adult” life at a very young age. She had her “own” friends, had boyfriends and went to parties.” You said that she wrote poetry before she died where you could “sense the deep desire she had for a relationship with her much-too-busy father.”

what if your daughter has a gift? what if your god has given your daughters the ability to heal, the skills to find a cure for cancer, the words to bring peace to the middle east, the talent to compose music that makes the world happy for centuries, how is your position not wasting what your lord has given for the benefit of humankind?

The difference is in Islamic cultures, if a man protects a woman, he is protecting his “property.” He protects her in the way he would protect his truck or his dog. In Christianity, a husband is called to lay down his life for his wife. There’s a big difference.

Thank you so much for your courage and example! I know how easy it is to become discouraged when our brothers and sisters in Christ criticize you without any Biblical basis. Please do not be weary in well doing! Please do not stop blogging and writing; your words are such an encouragement and blessing to so many.

Before I came to read this blog, I had the same thinking as you! I am so glad that someone else agrees with my thoughts!

My daughter is only 6. I will be keeping her at home until the very day she is married off. We will be talking a lot about homemaking and what God’s will for women are. I will be training her on how to cook, clean, minister to others, gifting to others, mentoring, and reaching out as I am doing right now. (BTW, I am only 29 years old)
She already wants to be a chef when she gets older and wants to do it from home, and I pray that God will continue to put that on her heart until she gets older because that may very well be a calling.

Sure she can go to school but by allowing her to be at home I can keep watch over her. No she won’t be perfect and sinless, but she will have the LOVE at home and won’t need to seek it elsewhere unless she’s looking for a Christian husband. :)

I am absolutely certain God put this on my heart because otherwise I couldn’t have thought of this.

Curious as to whether you would prefer a male or female doc, especially if you were consulting with regards to a female reproductive disorder.
I know I would prefer a Christian female physician to manage my condition. If all God-fearing, home-school raising Christian parents were to follow your “better” way of discouraging women to become physicians, I wouldn’t have that option.

BTW, I am a 23 y/o woman, was home educated through highschool, have a loving relationship with my parents, am very conservative, want to home educate my own kids someday, and am in my 3rd year of medical school. I am quite proficient in knitting, baking, canning, cleaning and all things pertaining to keeping a home (I have not neglected them or put them on hold in order to pursue higher education).

The Lord did not see fit to give children to my husband and me. However, the Lord gave us hearts for teens. We have been involved with church youth groups and Christian Schools for much of our “careers”. Now when I look around at the young ladies in church, my heart becomes heavy. They really have almost no one to look to for Christian womanhood.

Modesty is discussed, but no one seems to detail exactly what this concept means. I have noticed that some people think “immodest” is someone who shows more skin than s/he is willing to show.

Since the Lord has put this topic on my heart, I am working on an outline which I hope to present to the ladies at church. Even though we have no daughters, I have concluded that we need to think of all the girls in church as “our daughters”.

I’d like to point out that even though we may have husbands, they may not always be there to protect us when something happens. Several years ago my husband was in the hospital and I was at home with my four children, the oldest of which was my 12 year old son. In the middle of the night one of my younger kids spiked a fever and I was out of both Tylenol and Advil (having four kids, I was NEVER out of both, but that time I was). I left my oldest with his siblings while I ran out to an all night store to grab another bottle. I parked as close as possible to the door but because the closest open store was not in the part of town we lived in, and not a safe area at all, this guy tried to mug me on my way in. Luckily, I knew how to protect myself and the mugging did not work by any definition.

I am very aware that I could have been killed, just as my husband could have been if he had gone to the store instead of me and the mugger had a gun. My husband does not like guns at all (he grew up in a state where you couldn’t have one, plus he was robbed as a teenager by an armed guy) and he has a phobia about them so we don’t have any. I sold mine shortly after we got married.

My point is that there may be times when we have to be out by ourselves, sometimes in unsafe areas, and therefore we should know how to protect ourselves and have the skills and self confidence to do so. My husband and I are both very glad that I had them when I needed them.