“I’ve Given My Child the Family Illness!” (2)

By: Beth McHugh

In "I've
given my Child the Family Illness!" (1) we looked at the role
both genes and the environment play in determining whether a mental
illness will be expressed in any given individual. Today we will look
at how to cope with the guilt that some parents feel when they learn
that a son or daughter has inherited a “family illness.”

As previously discussed, it can be a natural reaction to blame yourself
for the appearance of depression, anxiety, bipolar or any of the host
of mental or physical disorders that have plagued humans for thousands
of years. In dealing with grieving parents it is important to look at
the situation logically, and to shed light on any false beliefs that
the parents may be holding onto that result in false guilt. And believing
that you have passed on a genetic illness is false guilt.

I always ask parents: “Did you deliberately pass on the tendency
in your child to have depression/bipolar/schizophrenia?” The answer
is always: “No”

No, you did not stir the genetic pool at the time of conception and
decide “Let’s throw Asperger’s into the mix!”
Just the same as you did not, and could not decide that your
son would have his father’s blue eyes instead of the mother’s
brown ones. You did not decide whether your child had olive skin, black
skin, or pale skin prone to freckles and skin cancer. No, what came
out at the finale of the birth process had nothing whatsoever to do
with any conscious act of yours. So why suddenly take on guilt for doing
such a willful act as giving them as illness?

Letting yourself off the hook for something you didn’t ever control
in the first place frees you up to devote your time and energy to better
things. Like helping your son or daughter get through the rough times
ahead and work towards leading a happy and healthy life. Educating yourself
and others as to help your sick child is the best gift to give them,
since you certainly didn’t give them the illness they are currently
suffering. You might as well blame your long dead ancestor, if you follow
the same logic. No, best to concentrate on the present and making every
day count.