Obama’s Final Party Announced

January 2017 will definitely see an onslaught of A-list tourists at the White House. But they’re not coming for the inauguration. As the locals say, “Hell to the naw, we ain’t!”

President Obama and first lady Michelle Obama will host a goodbye party for close friends and major donors Friday, according to the person whom the Obama’s paid to leak the story to the media. The Obamas themselves confirmed during an interview with People Magazine last month that they’d have one final bash at the White House to suck up money for the President’s library fund. The President told a young fan that they’d have a “grown up” party to “hit it and get lit before packing their shit.” Mrs. Obama said she was going to be honoring her husband’s legacy by importing “some of the finest weed evah, we gonna get high as the national debt up in this bitch. I mean CHOOM GANG high, muthafucka!”

Of course, there’s no official word from the White House yet. Typically the Obama administration keeps a tight lid on details of White House orgies/smokeouts until the 11th hour. But the big names thought to be on the guest list have been slowly trickling out this week.

Old standbys such as singer Usher and actor Samuel L. Jackson will most likely be there, according to some homeless guy squatting in the McPherson Square Metro Station. Also currently practicing their sweet moves are media titan Oprah Winfrey, who snagged an exit interview with the first lady last month on her fellow invitee and bestie Gayle King’s network CBS; actor Bradley Cooper, who showed up to the French state dinner sans underpants (but is expected to be wearing a lacy set from Victoria’s Secret this time around); Beyoncé, who sang at both of Obama’s inaugurations, and her husband, rapper Jay Z, both of whom move in the same circles with the Obama’s and the Castro family of Cuba were invited. Mrs. Carter (Beyoncé) is expected to perform her song “No Angel” which includes the lyrics: “First both of my legs go back on your head, and whatever you want, yeah baby, I’m bad” in support of female empowerment, decency and wholesomeness.

Raoul Castro was invited to take the place of his brother Fidel, but we at the Post hear he is having visa issues. We’re also hearing that Stevie Wonder, who has performed at the White House, director/fanboy J.J. Abrams and director George Lucas make the list, as well as Mariah Carey, who is hot off a memorable performance on Dick Clark’s Wrecked New Year’s eve (rumor has it, the voluptuous diva was spotted exiting a marijuana dispensary on Christmas Eve – ho, ho, ho! I guess the chimney wasn’t the only thing sucking up smoke on Christmas morning – if you know what I mean!)

If this star-studded shindig follows the traditional Obama script, cellphones will be confiscated at the White House security gate and social media crumbs will be few. But afterward, tales of the president’s dance moves and sore feet will make the late-night talk show rounds. Asked about the accuracy of those glowing reports, rapper Ice Cube, who attended last Obama party, said, “Sheeeee-it. Man, nigga too white to dance – he got so much honky in him that he could be on that TV show with Anthony Anderson, what they call it? ‘Black-ish!’ Yeah, that’s the one!”

The White House party will act as the end of a goodbye tour of sorts for President Obama (a tour kicked off in January of 2016), who will head to Chicago to, as he said, “to smoke some weed and bust a few caps in Rahm and Zeke’s asses.”

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