07/16/12: Your Weekly Horoscope.

An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.

Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.

Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)If you're watching Balls of Fury on cable and you've already seen it a few times before, it's time to re-evaluate your life.

Pisces (February 19 through March 20)You and your co-worker are wearing the same shirt? Beat everyone to the punch and tell them that you did, in fact, write a memo about it, and, no, they did not receive it.

Aries (March 21 through April 19)Get a job, grouch.

Taurus (April 20 through May 20)Don't forget to call your mother once in a while.

Gemini (May 21 through June 20)Birthdays were the worst days. Now you sip champagne when you're thirsty.

Cancer (June 21 through July 22)THE DARK KNIGHT RISES COMES OUT THIS WEEK! THE DARK KNIGHT RISES COMES OUT THIS WEEK! THE DARK KNIGHT RISES COMES OUT THIS WEEK!

Leo (July 23 through August 22)Those pants make you look fat.

Virgo (August 23 through September 22)Can't remember what you did this past weekend? That's because you're awesome.

Libra (September 23 through October 22)If there are tattoos on the playing field, play ball.

Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)No one cares about your opinions on Harry Potter.

Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)You need a haircut bad.

Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)Pour one out for the homies that ain't here no more.