Little Johnny: Actually, I asked you for a Chelsea strip last year but I never got it.

Santa: Hmmm. I’ll look into it. It could just be a simple process error. On the other hand, it could be that your address isn’t on the service specification.

Little Johnny: Eh?

Santa: The service specification. It’s used to define and monitor the services in the distribution and delivery contracts awarded by the commissioning board.

Little Johnny: The what?

Santa: The St Nicholas Commissioning Board in Lapland. It is the governing body responsible for all the Father Christmas franchises globally.

Little Johnny: That’s stupid! How could you miss my house?

Santa: Well if it wasn’t in the original invitation to tender it probably never made it into the service specification.

Little Johnny: But can’t you remember whether you visited my house last year?

Santa: Oh I don’t actually do any delivery. I’m on the requirements analysis and definition side. I work for Seasonal Solutions. We are a global commissioning consultancy which helps the St Nicholas Commissioning Board define its service requirements and commission its distribution partners. It is the distribution partners who deliver the presents but if your house was not listed on their service specification, then, obviously, they wouldn’t visit you.

Little Johnny: Rrrright….. So who’s the real Santa then?

Santa: Ha ha ha. Define ‘real’! Your thinking on this is really quite outmoded Johnny. I find it more helpful to think of Father Christmas as a total brand concept, under which a number of agencies and strategic partners come together to offer a seamless end-to-end Santa experience to the customer.

Little Johnny: Okaaay…. Look, forget the Chelsea strip, it’ll be the Six Nations soon so can I have an England rugby kit instead?

Santa: Our service level agreement does contain provision for mind-changes yes. However, it will have to be dealt with under change control.

Little Johnny: What’s that?

Santa: You’ll have to contact our change control helpline. Calls are charged at 10p a minute from landlines. Call charges from mobile networks vary and may be considerably more. You should check with your service provider before calling.

Little Johnny: This is crap! You’re just a fraud.

Santa: That’s a very serious allegation young man. I should remind you that it is Seasonal Solutions policy to vigorously contest any vexatious allegations against our staff.

Little Johnny: You’re starting to annoy me you beardy old wazzock!

Santa: Ageist comments such as this will not be tolerated. If you persist I will have to terminate this interaction. I should also remind you that it is Seasonal Solutions policy to seek redress, through the courts if necessary, against anyone who abuses our staff.