Suicidal again

I'm sitting here at the computer and I feel like crap. I haven't been suicidal for the past few days but today my suicidal feelings came back, and they're strong. I'm constantly thinking about killing myself and wanting to do so. I wish that nobody cared about me so I could leave this life without hurting people, but theres no way to do that and it makes me annoyed.

Does anyone else feel like they are being dragged down and you are struggling to stay up? Because thats how I feel. It's strange because there's nothing in my life that is so bad, it's just that I feel empty and apathetic towards life and I don't see a reason for me to still be here. All I do is watch tv and go on the internet, and it is a waste of life. Even so, I don't really want it to change. I have had a few jobs in the past and I was good at them, but since my time in hospital I've had a lot of anxiety towards working, and I don't think that I could handle it.

To make matters worse, I have a neighbour that I used to go out with and I still have feelings for her. We haven't been a couple since the start of the year, but I still think about her everyday and wish that we were back together. We're still friends and we see each other nearly every day, which is good, but I still miss being with her. Unfortunately I don't think she feels the same way about me and she's moved on. I wish I could move on also but it's hard because being with her was the best thing I've ever had in my life and she is an amazingly beautiful person. I don't know what to do about it.

I wish I had something better to say, something positive and uplifting, but I don't. I don''t even know if I should be posting this, it's just a useless rant and it doesn't help anybody. Even so, I need to get it out. To anyone who read my post thanks for listening, you're a champ. And thank you all in advance for any advice or help that you can give me. I don't know what else to say, so I'll leave it at that.

Post as often as you like or need to. I go through this a lot. I don't get up to do much. It's a cycle. When I feel better, I poke around here and do something small. One of my biggest obstacles is chronic pain that keeps me from doing much. It's a cycle and it now prevents me from working.

You said you've thought about working. Would a part time job be a solution for you? Maybe 10 to 20 hours a week. Enough to get out and about, but giving enough time to rest each day.