Keeping the Madness at Bay

Of course, speaking into the atmosphere (on Sunday) that I wouldn’t do anything with anyone this week b/c of the exam next week has resulted in four different people contacting me for various things. One person sent me a frantic email asking if I was free one afternoon to help her twist her hair. She would have asked someone else but that person was busy moving so she didn’t want to; instead, knowing that my hair is often dressed in twists–she asked me. In fact as per her, I am the only she can ask. Hmmm. Whatever. (My cynicism is rather heavy lately) I had to inform her that my friend does my hair; to which she asked if my friend gets paid. I contacted my friend (ML) to see if she wanted to do her hair and if so, payment would have to be rendered for services done. That was yesterday, I spoke to ML today and she’s down–so email has been sent posthaste to the frantic young lady.

One person is a new convert to graduate school from Algeria who wanted last-minute help for editing/reviewing his English on a presentation he was to make today. I didn’t get that request until I came home from Oakland yesterday and surely wasn’t going back to campus–though I briefly pondered it. A little bit of gchat later and he assured me that he would find another way. I felt bad though.

Another person–good friend ML–texted yesterday to see if I wanted to hit the dollar-theater with her. I had to decline secondary to exam studying. Today, another friend called wondering if I wanted to watch a movie with her but I was at Hillman at the time and surely couldn’t be bothered by movies when I was taking exams. Sigh.

Today was exhaustive. Got up a bit late. Grits. Hillman. Sneezing, watery eyes, stuffy head–even after two 24 hr Loratadines! At some point I felt like screaming. Finally went outside to devour my sandwich and chips. Left for home. Grabbed a couple of slices of pepperoni–stress makes me hungry–which I promptly ate on the way home. Now I’m in my pjs after finishing and I don’t want to study. I’m torn between doing nothing and feeling guilty as the exam is next Friday, and going to a coffee house to go over my notecards though the very thought makes me want to scream and throw something at a wall. I know what this is…this is a bit of burn-out.

My good sense tells me to take the rest of the day off. I’ve done 92 questions. No it’s not the 350 that I will face next Friday. No, I didn’t do a detailed review of all the incorrect questions. Yes, I must pass this exam–so why is my head so adverse to studying for a couple more hours? Even if it’s just note-cards? Could it be the monotony of the past couple of months of studying and past few weeks of pedal-to-the metal studying?

All this coupled with the stress of transitions? I have so much to do. It seems over-whelming. It’s getting harder and harder to keep the madness at bay (lovely line btw). I wish I had someone’s blessing to take the night off.

However, if I do–what will I do? Clean the house? Oh man–not looking forward to that. Or maybe look up some more apartments to see when I’m in Miami? I feel as if I must do something to assuage the guilt of not studying. Have to be active somehow so that I can say–hey–I didn’t study but look at all this other important stuff that I did.

It’s raining. It’s raining. Rain can be good. Rain can be frightening. It can be calming. it can be isolating. If it were sun-shining, I would go for a walk. Walking always calms me down.

Here is a question of universality and moments. The next five hours that I have–what should I do with it? The plan was to clean the house tomorrow night. To study tonight. I can’t bear the thought of either one right now. When I was younger and restless my Mommy would tell me to sleep. Many a time I would wake up refreshed. I don’t know how much that would work now. The next five hours–only to be faced with the drudgery of tomorrow. Good grief. I can’t even look forward to tomorrow b/c tomorrow is full of studying.

I have an inordinate number of friends who either can not drive or do not own cars. This leads me to realize how difficult it is to have someone come and visit me.