Cab adventures at NAB

(Note to reader: This is a TRUE story. If anything, I cut some craziness out!)

Fade in

Int. cab - evening

John, (46) dark haired, handsome, enters the cab.

John

Palazzo, please.

Once the door is closed, the driver guns it, throwing John back in his seat.

Driver

God damn, f**king, sh*t!

The driver seems oblivious, or so John believes, to the looming white van already in the lane he is zooming in to. The van screeches veers away.

John

(suddenly nervous)

Uh, is Everything ok?

Driver

I sat at this f**king light for three cycles last time and never got a God damn green light!

John, noting that they are not near a light, assumes the driver means some future, upcoming light.

The driver suddenly veers off hard to the right on a side route, taking John through an under ground path that could be a short cut or a trip through Vegas hell.

A speed bump looms, but instead of slowing, the driver speeds up, bouncing his vehicle and poor John in the back seat.

Driver (CONT'D)

(child like voice)

Wheeee!

Recovering, John tries to quickly re-evaluate his odds at surviving this trip. The driver sees another cab pulling up in the neighboring lane. He accelerates again, and John begins to wonder when they start using the close cement walls as bumpers.

Driver (CONT'D)

(suddenly)

I hate California drivers.

John isn't sure this is a reference to the other driver or that he has had some psychic moment and knows that John is from the very state he is criticizing.

John decides to try a friendly tact.

John

I like how you drive!

(beat, no response)

You're very aggressive, and I mean that in a good way!

As if John didn't say anything, the driver continues.

Driver

California drivers have no f**king clue how to drive.

John

(strangely defensive)

I'm from Oregon.

Driver

That's good.

(beat)

These f**king Californians slow down for everything.

The driver shows what he means, John suspects, by NOT slowing down, or stopping, for a stop sign. Another speed bump comes up. The cab hits it hard.

Driver

(again, in child like voice)

Wheee!!!

Recovering again, John starts to worry. The cab has burst out in some back alleyway, seemingly heading in the right general direction, but on such a different route that no other cabs are visible.