Category Archives: Random Thoughts

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
And I write this quote with an absolute right to do so. It is MY FREEDOM OF SPEECH that allows me to. I look at the things that I’ve written and will continue to write and know in my heart that I will/would not be silenced…‪#‎JESUISCHARLIE‬ We Hear You!!!

I’ve always kind of wondered about what goes on within a man’s essence? What is the make up of his very being? This questioning of the male genetic compound initially started when I realized that some guys just liked/ loved some females harder, better, gentler, more respectful, than some others. It could be regardless of if they were doing very similar or even identical things for him. Regardless of whom others perceive to look better, regardless of the one in which others perceive to have the more likable personality. It’s all about what makes sense to that ever confusing individual of a man.

After years of really trying to process how all of male complexity works I’ve come to understand that the male mind may truly be something in which I may NEVER understand, but its puzzling factors extend far beyond women, Their poor misguided complexities even lead carry over onto their very own offspring.

I guess, that over the years, I must’ve noticed this issue passively but nothing stood out as prominently as when My son and I had to make a visit to our cities Juvenile Court Division to get some adjustments made to the very small child support order that his Father had been compelled to pay when my son was about 7 months old.

I can almost laugh at this now, (no really I can’t but I wish that I could) but even though his Fathers payments were less that $140.00/mth. (and that was over 18 years ago) he still managed to find himself with about 3 more biological children, 2 stepchildren (that he refers to as his own) and $22,000.00 in arrears for our child add those facts to the fact that he had a son born prior to the one we had together making my son, his second child, well then, I can see, where some comedy might be able to be inserted given the fact that we’re now talking about a family unit akin to what a small orphanage must be like.

But anyways, not to digress, It was at this court hearing that my son, Trenton, and his first sister (from his bio dad) were able to see one another. This is something in which they had not been able to do in quite some time. To capture the moment I took a picture to capture the moment. They kinda look alike don’t they?

(“She lives with their father and is wearing the New “KOBE BRYANT” or LBJ or whatever expensive NIKE basketball player tennis shoes on her feet (that she confirmed her ‘daddy’ bought her). Whilst on the very next day i had to take out a loan (with interest) to pay for the 2 installments of the college tuition that is owed to the University our son is attending this semester (& the next) his freshman year and beyond… I post this only because I don’t understand, and would like someone out there to tell me how a male picks and chooses which children they will love and take care of over those in which they do and will not.

If you have any relevant insight into matters such as this, please use your words to Speak Up! – Thank you in advance!

NOTICE: Their Bio Father Jimmie L.Campbell Jr is absent, from these pics, because that’s just his way, his “M.O” for being ABSENT is just simply “His thing”, and has been that way for years, and I am sure, will continue to be that way for years to come… I guess by this time I should just give up all hope of him being my son’s Dad, because really, I’ve already done his job.

It’s been a hectic start to this month, and one hell of an end to the last. Some new things have begun and some old things have past. Our world is in CHAOS, a turbulent sea, it feels like we’ve been shoved right in, but still… somehow, we left me!

I see myself waving for help, but still I turn and walk away, and sit down at the side of the shore just trying to contemplate. Have I been good to them? Is it me, they truly need? They look safe out there afloat using common sense to kick and breathe.

HE turned 18 a few months back and then graduation came, and off to college he went and things just don’t feel the same. Not quite an adult myself is when his appearance was made, demanding all that I could give; he kinda grew up along side me in a ways. I did my best to raise him and I have to admit I’m damn proud! But I’m still young, but feel stuck, and as he growing up I swear I just want to stand still and SCREAM OUT LOUD!!!

There’s and emptiness that fills the silence that used to occupy my son’s constant space. It uses the voice of my precious baby girl to spew It’s vials of distaste!, “You’re wrong about everything!”, “There’s nothing you understand!” “See Ma, THAT’S why WE CAN’T GET ALONG!” she a 14 year old with serious hormonal changes, (and if I slapped her I know I’d just be so wrong). I watch her sometimes whilst she’s asleep and think about how she was JUST my Babe, and I smile at the sweetness still reflected in her eyes, and wonder at how fast things change.

I’ve been doing this for so long, on my own, but with the help of God, and my Mom, she’s been my “Lamb in a Bush”, Lord knows she deserves applause… But I AM NOT strong, I just deserve an award because I can put on a Damned good show, its been at those times I’ve appeared to have strength, that I’ve been at my ultimate lows.

So now I’m supposed to reach out to extend a hand to save us all, don’t they know I’m not who I appear? I know not what I am at all? I have lost my sense of identity, and I don’t know where to go from here. I’m having this thought while I sit on shore and the other me swims aggressively to get near.

If it was just that one, that image of me, who desperately wants to cling to life I still just might turn around and walk away. There seems there’s no purpose for you anymore so what would be the reason to stay?

However as I saw 18 year old HIM and 14 year old HER still calling out “MOMMY…..!” I knew that my life was not in vain and that they just might still need me! ~ So I got my ass up and sprinted into action, waded into the water, and grabbed my babes in a quicker time than time allowed, I adorned them, as they hugged me, and I basked in the warmth of “Their Smile”.

She’d spent the better part of almost 2 years mourning. Like the old dog in China who hadn’t left his deceased Masters grave in over a period of about 6 years, she mourned. It was quite pitiful, but even more so, because she couldn’t even claim the protective instinct of a simple, faithful, old dog. She was a human being Dammit, and if she didn’t do something about the things in which she was (or was not) currently doing, she would soon forget it, and so would everyone else.

There were still a few folks that hadn’t YET, completely forgotten about her, in fact, from time to time, she preferably thought of these individuals as friends. However, there were some that could now, simply be marked off as former acquaintances as during her mourning, they had fallen off by the wayside, and could no longer be called upon. This, though, was not the time to let one’s mind linger upon them.

THIS, was a time of decision, and the decision to make would be simple. Was she going to continue to live her life mourning over what was, OR was she going to now live and rejoice in what would be sure to come???

“While it is possible to live vainly in the memories of the past, one must also realize that the currents of life do constantly move forward with or without the consent of those who choose to acknowledge and live in it…

Though understandably basking in the familiarity of what is already known and experienced can be soothing, it should also be understood that what is missed by not experiencing the things that could have (and very well should have) been experienced can be damaging. In life, there are some things that we are very well meant to be exposed to, but having that thing called ‘free will’ at times hinders us, and that, my friend, (although a great option to have) is not always a good thing.

Free will however, does also enable us to make the choice to continue to lie in yesterday and soak up the misery or memories, or make the choice to finally “Wake Up And Get Down!” “

I, like many others that I know, have faced some severe blows and setbacks during my time on this earth, and I used to question it all with a loudly (or quietly) expressed WHY ME???

However, as I move forward facing day after day I notice the question has changed from me wondering “WHY ME???” to “WHY NOT ME???” As inevitably, pain does began to subside, and time does began to heal.

And with this change of one moment stretching towards the next, I have also been able to bear witness, and thus testify, that there has been Absolutely NO BURDEN placed upon me in which I could not bear!

That same strength and power has also been gifted to you.

Therefore, I can say with absolute certainty that if YOU are struggling with issues and hard times, please note that like with all things that have occurred, “This too shall pass!”

All that You have to do is keep on keeping on, and watch these words that I state come to absolute fruition…. One day, you’ll gladly/proudly be able to pass these words of knowledge off to someone else, just like I have.

Just keep living and I guarantee, you’ll see!

Thanks for reading!

Sincerely,

ME! Trenni/ Trennell Marie

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A few days ago I was speaking with one of my intellectual, educated, well established friends about my current station in life. We talked, at length, about where I hoped to go, the things I thought that by now, I would’ve achieved, & the challenges and difficulties it seems I’ve been forced to endure…. Patiently, my friend, took the time to Encourage, Interject practical advise, and above all else, LISTENED!

Since that day, I’ve gained the ability to lose the ‘tunnel vision’ of darkness that has plagued me for far too much time now, and see things from completely new perspectives.

Isn’t it amazing how a few expressed & spoken words can bring forth such a difference in one’s entire outlook? One never truly realizes, how deeply their words or actions can affect another. I guess it’s why the 10 commandments can be summed up, ultimately, into 2 parts… the first being… “Honor God” & The second being “Treat Other’s in the ways in which you’d like to be treated.” In doing these two things, I can bear honest witness and say that “Miracles do happen, each and every day!” It is within us as individuals, to open our minds and our hearts, in order to bear witness.

My mother Always says that “GOD provides proof to the truth!”
And in that regard with the things I’ve been both told and shown I am inclined to agree!Today, for example, I came across a quote by ‘George Eliot’ that literally grabbed my attention as though it was written specifically for me. The words read this —–> “IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO BE WHAT YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN!” Upon reading this, I knew that in order to obtain the things that I ultimately want, I must start RIGHT NOW with being who it is I choose to be! It is since I experienced this revelation, that the feelings of inadequacy, the tunnel of darkness & the feeling of being completely out- of- control, has given way… I am ready to do what I must!

Yesterday, and the decisions made then, are now a thing of the past, the only thing one can do is move on from those moments and live in today (lol, as if we really have a choice to do it any other way, anyway).

Sometimes we view life as though it is a courtroom, wanting evidence and proof, to co-sign our decisions to do the things we choose. Other times we just move ahead making rash judgement’s, not necessarily caring about how we affect others, or how later, we affect ourselves,

Now, it is not my place to critique or how ‘you’ live, as for me, however, I think I’ll try a new approach, rather than to keep on doing what I’ve already done and failed to achieve I’m going to try out the alternate and see where that leads.

In conclusion, I’ll leave with this… “What is done today, defines who one currently is! Tomorrow may come, but, for some, it may not. Therefore, I believe it wise to choose, in this very moment to be who you want, and it’s almost miraculously occurs that who you want to be, becomes exactly who you are! ~ Thank you George Eliot, for bringing that all to light.

Isn’t it funny how we as individuals,can come up with prejudices about whole groups of people or things in which we ‘unknowingly’ don’t understand?

As it was just yesterday, that I was sitting here, on the PC as I am doing now, laughing my ass off with tears rolling down my eyes at the post that was being written about my very good friend (we’ll call him “Aluta”), who I’ll mention, is from Ghana, West Africa, one of the main ports in which African slaves were kidnapped from and brought here to the America’s. The people that live there now could very likely be distant relatives to the African Americans that I am descended from, associate with, and live among.

You see, “Aluta” and I belong to a “Special Interest Group” and they actually thought that he might be a homosexual!!! Not saying anything against the LGBT Community but plainly and specifically speaking against the presupposition’s that people make.

Here’s the thing, “Aluta’s” “American English” and understanding of it is a bit different. In the area which he was raised, he was taught to speak “British English” (also commonly known as “The Queens English”). As one should know, there are certain words, terminologies, analogies, and metaphors, that mean completely different things when spoken by a North American to a British Citizen, and vice-verse.

When I told him about the things that were being said about him (albeit, funny as hell simply because his words were misconstrued and misunderstood), he was appalled! As in Ghana, there is (for real) no such thing as being professedly, “GAY” and living a long life to tell about it. As in truth, your family, might be one of the first to String you from a tree!

GHANA is obviously NOT AMERICA & is profoundly different with the acceptance of the things in which the United States ‘outwardly’ pride themselves on not condemning.

It is an embarrassment for an entire family to have even one member be perceived as being “gay”. It speaks volumes that resonate throughout the entire Ghanaian Community. Also, It is not thought of as being “funny”, “freaky” or being on the “DL (Down Low)” to see two Men or Women stand in very close proximity to one another, nor is the draping of someone with their arm around the neck of someone else as a conversation is being had. People shower AND Breastfeed their babies, without feeling inhibited, and in some areas it is even acceptable to walk around without clothing to cover parts in which the American culture dare not publicly expose.

I know, that other misconceptions have been made about other people concerning things from sexuality, religion, political affiliation, race, gender, and a wide array of other things, amongst people in which the majority of us share our recent culture and history, simply based on a misunderstanding.

It is the reason that I feel the need to write this post. Prejudice’s to me, are very real and prevalent but are more often than not~ petty, simple minded and just plain wrong. We, each and every one of us, are ALL INDIVIDUALS. and do things that are unlike anyone else. Does that make either you or I inferior to another? I think, No, I KNOW, that it does not!

Stupid prejudice’s cause a wide array of unnecessary dysfunction, whereas if we took just an extra moment or two to ask questions, and attempt to understand another’s frame of mind, then we possibly answer the Late Rodney Kings question: “Can’t We All Just Get Along?”, with an Affirmative. “YES”!

I implore you all to please open one eyes, mind, heart and ears before opening our mouths (or in some cases typing with our fingers out into cyberspace) words, that can NEVER be taken back.

As it is, “When we make attempts to ill- perceive that we often make an ASS out of U and ME. (ASSUME)

BEING A WOMAN… has to be one of God’s most challenging roles. From the moment Eve took the first bite from that apple, we have truly carried the weight of the world on our shoulders.

Men look at us and say that they are the ones, cursed by God, with hard labor. I say, though the words are true, how many men truly follow through with the action???

From the moment we recognized our nakedness, we were damned! Do you think that Eve looked at her body and said… “Wow! I am perfect”? I think not! At the time that she exchanged her first words to Satan and followed his advice, she began to fail to see the exquisiteness of God’s creation. After this, her body became less and less the classic example of perfection and has diminished to what we have today.

Now, we attempt to beautify, our bodies with makeup that ruin our skin, fake hair that pulls out our own, acrylic that weaken our nails, and eyelashes that when loosened will irritate the hell out of you. We color our eyes with contacts, and many times end up with an eye infection and we attempt to painfully contort our bodies to fit “THE IMAGE!” What image? (you may ask) And I’ll answer, “I honestly don’t know! I don’t think any of us really do!”

Contrary to what this sounds like, this is not a rant meant to influence women to change their ways or their attempts at perfection. It is however, something much more…. Please read on.

To talk about how hard it is to be a woman, to speak of raising kids, to comment on how it is to be a wife or to be single, to speak about the trials of working and maintaining a home, or to speak about how men don’t understand us would be redundant. Therefore, it is not my goal to waste your time or mine with repetitive words that we’ve all spoken amongst ourselves, and will undoubtedly hear again.

Instead, my goal is to remind you, how wonderfully amazing, the girl, the female, the woman, the double X chromosome, really is!

Do me a favor… Take a moment for yourself, go somewhere where there is a mirror, and you can be alone. (For the guys, when the female you are with is ready take a look at her and follow these same steps~ when/if she allows you to) Free yourself from all that binds you (yes, that means take off your clothes!) Look yourself directly in the eye, and slowly inhale, then exhale. Inadvertently, your eyes will drop down to the rhythmic rise and fall of your chest. Inside beats the heart of courage, and strength, and within those depths exists life itself, this is your essence! Because, of this heart you have been given absolute power. You have the ability to create life, sustain life, connect the past to the present, and connect the present to the future. With this heart you have the ability to power your mind.

Your mind gives you the ability to conspire and inspire, and with your mind your mouth and your hands have the ability to move. You can and will impart knowledge, speak of peace and love, initiate happiness, or cause great pain. You can be vivacious and full of sass, or you can be quiet and seductive.

Your hands have the ability to heal a sick child or friend, to impart meaning with words unspoken. You can cause your significant other to feel a great deal of pleasure OR by applying the right pressure to the right parts, you can incense them with your wrath (lol) causing a sensation of complete distress unlike any other. (not recommended) You, WOMAN hold the capability to make others feel great love for you or be the cause of your own dismissal. You can be admired or abhorred.

Now put your hand over or under your left chest (depending on how far your boobs sag) and feel the strength, the intensity, of all of your virtue, beating just underneath. THIS is your source, your essence.

Now, (for those who aren’t prudish) take a look at that triangle between your thighs, (now I know some of y’all out there thighs kind of cover up the place that I’m talking about, and some of you others have stomachs that overlap.., lol but you know what’s there) Realize this, there is no woman on this earth who was born absent of this part. What it can do, has been, can, and will be done again, by all of the women before you and all that come after. Contrary to what you may have heard, this place is NOT what defines you. This place is just a detail in your anatomy, it holds no real resource, it holds no real meaning, because without your heart, it just becomes a cold, barren, orifice. ( & Unless you have the misfortune of meeting a Necrophiliac, It becomes meaningless.)

Understand this, contrary to what you have been told. You with all your imperfections, your stretch marks, your rolls, your dents, your moles or beauty marks, your dimples, your coloration, your size, your height, all combined, make ONE PERFECT YOU! Realize your power, own it, be it. Remember girl, that you are one Hell of an individual. Although everyday may not be a sweet sample of faultlessness, remember nevertheless, that you are.

Your power is in your heart girl! Do with it what you must, but take it all in Stride.

(Just thought I’d try my hand at a little something more sensual than my norm. Tell me what you think)

I’m that voice in your ear, the memory you can’t erase. I am the alpha and the omega in the most sensual of sexy ways. I am that morning erection, and all the reasons why you came. I am the sunlight that touches your skin, and the blood that rushes through your veins. I am the song that moves your hips, and the beautiful pain of intensity in your workout regimen.

I am the warmth of a good shower, think of my essence as your steam, I am all that you want, I am all that you could possibly need. Who could ask for anything more? I am the one that whose name intensifies love and the one that you adore. I’m That quiver in your abdomen, when your ears are licked, that’s me! My fingers tease where my hands play and I am that, which makes you scream!

I am your imagination a real life made from fantasy, open your mind, prepare your mouth, and breathe in completely ME!

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It’s crazy how self-absorbed we all can sometimes be, However, I do understand it…. I mean, if you’re not thinking about yourself then (really) who else is???

Life, at times, can seem so damned hard! Concentrating on what “We”, “Ourselves” can do to change the current outcome of our own situations comes naturally. So naturally, that we often fail to realize how the smallest action on “our” part can have the largest impact on someone else’s part.

There is a television show that I like to watch called “Touch”. It is based on a boy (who seems to be autistic) and his widowed father.

This child and his father have connected on some uncanny level through the use of numbers. It seems that his (the boys’) understanding of numbers allows him to see the past, the present, and the future…. The number sequences that he comes up with breaks the whole order of the “Fibonacci sequence” (It’s on Google, look it up!) and can actually interpret the mind of our Almighty GOD!!!

Now, I won’t go as far as to say that I believe, that interpreting Gods’ intentions is actually possible but I do think about how my actions may directly affect someone else…

As many of you may know, my husband and I recently terminated our relationship and I have found it to be quite a difficult situation to work through.

I often think about how if he wouldn’t have done “this thing” or “that thing” then my life, and my childrens’ lives wouldn’t be affected in “this way” or “that”.

I am a believer that out of every situation encountered we are allotted a lesson. The thing in which we learn may be used in the future in regard to ourselves OR someone else, but nevertheless, the lesson learned is one that becomes invaluable.

I speak to people crossing my path each day because it might be that I am the only person that has spoken to them. When I can, I give the man (or woman) begging, on the corner, what I have at my disposal, just because I think that The Omnipotent, the LORD, our GOD, might be testing me!

I smile even when I feel like crying (and that happens way more often than you might ever believe), just because my smile might brighten the day of someone who’s world, thus far, has been dark and dreary, and I believe that God, himself, grants me certain allowances and blessings because of these things that I do.

My children are healthy, and my issues (for the most part) are under control. I see my way through tunnels that previously were completely darkened to both the left, the right, in front of, and behind me… I have hope where I once felt a void, and riches in places I once perceived as being destitute.

I sometimes wonder though, where would I be now if Michael (that’s my husband, @ least legally) had not done the things to me in which he did?

I think that possibly, things could be better…. but I also know, beyond a shadow of doubt, that things could also have been inconceivably worse.

I try to teach my children the basic rule of Karma, that “What goes around, comes around”, and I hope that with this lesson the two of them actually see the truth and wisdom that lies within those 5 words.

“IF I TOUCH YOU…” then it’s not difficult to conceive that someway, I am inevitably, also, touching myself.

If everyone thought about Karma on these terms then (even if it is done for purely selfish reasons) I imagine that your life, mine, and everyone in which we encounter would have a life that is significantly changed for the better.

It is my hope that this small piece of ‘Food For Thought’ both encourages and inspires. If I have TOUCHED YOU, then please, by all means… ‘Pay it Forward’ & TOUCH someone else.

As always, I appreciate any thought or commentary in which you may have concerning this or any article in which I have written. I invite the correspondence as it provokes me to keep writing because you, my audience, are reading, and with that fact, I know, that we are well on the way!