Friday, February 17, 2012

Week in and week out, we see goals warranting raucus celebration from the players who score them. Certain stars have a preferred celebratory gesture they like to display to the world after netting. We're here to decide if these gestures are cool or tool. I'll judge and you can feel free to judge:

1. Andrei Arshavin Arsenal

VERDICT: TOOL

Shooshing People:Definitely tool, since most of the time all we want is for Arshavin to shut up and lean back so the other players on the bench can watch the first-team play.

2. Nani Manchester United

VERDICT: COOL

Flying: Nani's acrobatic goal celebration is definitely cool. Not only does he do the patented back flips which other stars are prone to, he also adds a little Portuguese flavor and twists in mid-air. You've got to be cool to do that.

3. Alessandro Del Piero Juventus

VERDICT: COOL

The Tongue (and Scream): Ale Del Piero's forceful tongue scream is cool for a few reasons: 1) he's the man 2) he scores great goals and 3) he deserves to wile out in a feverish manner because he's so dedicated to his side. Everytime the little captain scores, it's like his whole being explodes out of his mouth. Props to passion.

4. Kaka Real Madrid

....

Being Religious: Are you religious? If yes: cool. Are you not? If no: tool. I'm not very religious...so yeah.

5. Luca Toni Whereabouts Unknown

VERDICT: TOOL

The I'm Fu*king Crazy Ear Thing: Though Luca Toni nearly crazy eared Roma to the Scudetto a few years back, his hysterically seemingly confused crazy ear celebration is tool. It's very strange and erratic, for such a clinical stirker on his day.

6. Miroslav Klose Lazio

VERDICT: COOL

Fist Pump (Jump Optional): German hitman Miroslav Klose has had a consistently cool celebratory gesture throughout his illustrious goal-scoring career. What's better than a strong fist pump toward your fans? Nothing when you score like a madman! Even though he is a Lazio man, Klose gets the nod: cool.

7. Francesco Totti AS Roma

VERDICT: COOL

Thumb In Mouth: What did you think I was going to say? As a Romanista, I love seeing this celebration. Especially when Totti hits a penalty and stands at the spot with thumb in mouth and one finger in the air (pictured above). It's both humilating for the goalkeeper and delightful in nature, since it's for his babies!

8. Cristiano Ronaldo Real Madrid

VERDICT: TOOL

Grabbing Gods Balls or Boobs(?): It's Ronaldo, so it's tool - plain and simple. I found this celebration to be amongst the strangest out there. Granted, I haven't seen him do it in a while, it is still totally weird and deserving of a tool status.

9. Peter Crouch Stoke City

VERDICT: COOL

The Robot: Even though Crouchie doesn't show off his smooth moves after netting anymore, this was definitely a cool celebration. Who does that? Someone who's confident, buries a goal, and is a cool dude. Part of the attraction also comes from seeing a tall man dance a hilarious dance.

10. Yuto Nagatoma Inter Milan

VERDICT: COOL

Bowing Like a Gentleman: Nagatoma does not really score too much, but upon this goal, he shared a gentlemanly Japanese bow with colleague Javier Zanetti. I thoroughly enjoyed it, thus deeming it cool.

11. Alexandre Pato AC Milan

VERDICT: TOOL

Making a Heart <3: Pato, Pato, Pato...Just stop. This is the most annoying celebration in the world and I know you are better than it! Stop the tool!

12. Vincenzo Montella

VERDICT: COOL

The Airplane: Montella's trademark celebration was aeronautically sensational. Every time the little airplaner scored, he would lift off toward the sideline in celebration. It was emphatic. Bravo, Aeroplanino.

13. Ronaldo

VERDICT: ULTIMATE COOL

Finger Wag: Brazilian legend Ronaldo's patented Finger Wag celebration was exceptional. It was as if the jovial Brazilian was shaking his hand saying "you thought I wouldn't score?? Ha ha!" This air of confidence is the definition of cool.

14. Giampaolo Pazzini Inter Milan

VERDICT: COOL

Two Fingers To Eyes: Pazzini comes off as the ultimate bro (aka tool), but his goal-scoring prowess and resulting celebration, I have to admit, is cool. He's a great finisher when on form and the two fingers to the eyes to me says "keep your eyes on me b*tches" or "cry tears babies." I like it since he can back it up so well.

15. Tim Cahill Everton

VERDICT: COOL

Corner Flag Destruction: Nothing is more exceptional for a striker of smaller stature than being able to score a majority of your goals with your head. Cahill's explosiveness and fighting nature in the box erupts at the corner flag upon scoring when he dukes it out with the inanimate object. The passion is clear and also the fact that you wouldn't want to mess with Cahill evidently results in a verdict of cool.

16. Robbie Keane LA Galaxy

VERDICT: TOOL

Somersault Cowboy: Robbie Keane's excitable somersault then gun celebration scares me. I find it weird and would run if I saw someone spinning towards me in such a manner. You're not a karate master gun-slinger or anything...just a great scorer. There's got to be something different he could do right?

17. Henrik Larsson

VERDICT: COOL

The" O" Face (Tongue Optional): Larsson's famous "O" face will go down in history as a cool celebration. The man was simply a scorer. He scored on various different teams and popped his "O" towards the sideline without fail. Being such a reliable scorer makes Larsson's famed celebration worthy of this rating.

Mixed Feelings

Mario Balotelli Manchester City

VERDICT: COOL/TOOL

Not Celebrating: Part of me hails the contrarian actions of Balotelli following one of his usually well-taken goals as cool, but the other part believes only a tool wouldn't celebrate such a fantastic moment with and for his teammates and fans. The Balotelli enigma continues.

Alan Shearer

VERDICT: COOL/DORKY

Hand to the Sun: Shearer's famed raised hand (or pointed finger) had its moments. On one hand, it's cool, since ol' Alan was a great scorer and hero to his side in his own right. On the other hand, it's kind of dorky...it reminds me of watching your dad celebrate something. Dad did it! I guess Shearer was young once, but I only remember him old. Sorry older fans! Much respect though.

Fabio Borini AS Roma

VERDICT: UNDECIDED

Hand Bite: The verdict is not out yet on the young, excitable Italian. His youthful vigor and goal-scoring tally is cool, but, we are left wondering what the hell he is thinking by this celebration. "Bite your hand, opposing team!" New taunt? What will these kids think of next?

Ronaldinho Flamengo

VERDICT: COOL/DORKY

The Rockstar or Call Me Ladies: Ronaldinho gets a cool and dorky nod from me because his celebration can be interpreted differently. The goofy rockstar gesture with his delightful brilliant smile is definitely dorky (that's so 90s dude). But on the other hand, Ronaldinho, the known clubber and Brazilian party-man extraordinaire, could be saying "I scored ladies....call me tonight!" That's cool I guess.

Pablo Daniel Osvaldo AS Roma

VERDICT: COOL/TOOL

Machine Gunning: Osvaldo's Machine Gunning goal celebration falls on either side of the spectrum. On one hand, it's pretty cool if you're a Roma fan, since we yearn for a consistent scorer (both guns blazing or not). On the other, he's kind of a tool. What is this a Martin Scorsese film? Keep gunning buddy.

Mirko Vucinic Outer Space

VERDICT: SPEECHLESS

Pants Off-Put On Head: I'm not entirely sure how to interpret this. Though he only does this for Montenegro, his home country, what gives? Did he lose a bet? Five times? Oh Mirko.

Well, we have a full docket here, folks. Please post your ratings in the comments sections so I can see how far off base I am!

Disclaimer: I'm sure I missed some classic trademark celebrations. So, rather than bemoaning my ignorance, why not suggest some celebratory gestures to the rest of the readers?

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

When the team you love is not in the Champions League, the pointlessness of every match other than the final strikes you.

I realized this morning the Champions League Knockout Stages had already begun. The fact that I came to this realization after the competition kicked into high gear yesterday made me wonder why. The answer: my team's not in it. Roma is not there, so really I could care less. I look forward to seeing a cagey final, but other than that, I have no desire to follow along.

Any other fans out there feel the same way? United fans I know you're feeling this, where you at? To all those out there whose team is relaxing midweek: here's to next year!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

I have been following the Houston Dynamo - Montreal Impact - Brian Ching three-way with curiosity since their tango began during the MLS expansion draft some months ago. Basically, the overview of the situation is:

1) Houston put Ching in the draft expecting no one to take him.
2) Expansion team Montreal scooped up Ching expecting to a) keep the hard-working forward or b) deal him back to Houston and make out better than one draft pick would have gotten them.
3) Ching is in the middle of a confusing situation wanting to go back home to Houston.

Brian Ching: Kicked in the face by Houston, this time around

As of late, Ching played against the Dynamo in a preseason friendly, and currently has been given leave by the Impact to head back Houston to negotiate personal terms, since both teams are feverishly working on a deal. Great news for Ching, who did not want to leave home in the first place. Great news for Montreal, who are likely to get more than the bargained for upon selecting Ching. Great news for Houston, because...?

Why is Houston pining to buy back Brian Ching? First of all, the Dynamo put him in this position by exposing him to the expansion draft. It was a risk they took. Second, he's 33 years old and pretty much at the end of his career. Does it make sense to spend more to buy him back given these factors?

What's glaring in this interchange is the mistake made by Dynamo leaders to let this happen. They will lose more than they gain in this interaction because of their mistake. The willingness of Houston to go above and beyond to buy Ching back, is baffling. They made a mistake, they need to let him go.

One point we must acknowledge is Brian Ching's attitude during all of this. Though it was clear he wanted to be at his home in Houston, he put his knuckles to the brimstone and did his job in Montreal. He acted like a true professional throughout. Credit must be give to the humble forward.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

This just in: Fabio Capello has resigned from his post as England's manager.
Over the past few weeks, we've heard grumblings of unhappiness from the Italiano because of the English FA's decision to strip John Terry of his England captaincy. For the second time.

People in cars = sh*t happening

Allegedly, Capello was going into a meeting with the FA today to fight for his captain. Oh my captain! Oh my word, why? His captain, who had sex with a teammates wife (captaincy stripping #1) and supposedly taunted Anton Ferdinand in a racial way (captaincy stripping #2). John Terry deserves to be stripped of his captaincy. Hell, if this was anywhere but England, a country that desperately needs to field their best players no matter what since they find winning impossible, Terry might have been kicked off the team after captaincy stripping #1 (i.e. see team USA World Cup 1998, John Harkes).

Capello resigning before a major tournament is unbelievable. For England, this is terrible. This means a predecessor will have four months to instill his system into a team. This also means there will be so much pressure surrounding a fragile locker room; a media circus! What is wrong with England?

I believe the FA was correct to strip Terry of his captaincy, but they really should have done everything they could to keep Capello at the helm, for the sake of the team's Euro 2012 health. On the other side of the coin, I think Capello is a sleazy moron for backing the proven dirtball John Terry.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Mario Balotelli famously displayed a shirt asking "Why always me?" a few months ago. The answer is clear: because you are a moron. Scott Parker finds himself asking the same question at the moment (minus the shirt). In this instance, the answer is unknown, since Parker is a good, hard-working human.

My plea: lets not highlight the ruthless villains anymore. Instead, lets take a look at the victim, Scott Parker. Even though we all are starting to despise antagonistic players like Balotelli and Luis Suarez, what about the constant victim:

Monday, February 6, 2012

Daniele De Rossi has re-signed with Roma for another five years. The marauding midfielder put pen to paper sometime before Roma's match against Inter on Sunday, but made the news public following the game. Finally, we Roma followers can breathe easy.

It has been tough watching Roma over the past few games without De Rossi (due to injury). The midfield was simply lost without him. His return on Sunday showed how badly we needed him. He commanded the middle of the park and controlled the flow of play with ease. In turn, Inter was dominated. We demolished a top-tier team on Sunday, one week after getting smacked by Cagliari. This feat was achieved largely because of De Rossi's return to the starting XI.

The urgency to have this player in our midfield for years to come was clear. And now we have him! Not to mention De Rossi is at the top of his game this year! Here's to a successful renewal! Sorry Manchester teams and Real Madrid. Cheers to Daniele De Rossi and Roma!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Some January purchases have paid off instantly this year! Here are a few players who have netted with their new club right off the get go:

Thierry Henry Arsenal

Incredible from the Arsenal legend. A dream comeback! To bad his great start has not carried on throughout his spell thus far.

Darren Gibson Everton

The former Manchester United man gave his former team a boast in the standings after his cracker at Goodison Park was enough to see off league-leaders Manchester City. Courtesy of an assist from our boy Landon Donovan!

Djibril Cisse QPR

The enigmatic forward who left Lazio (good move dude) netted a brilliant goal and followed it up with his trademark gymnastic routine. Bravo, weirdo!

Alberto Gilardino Genoa

Gilardino does what he's best at when he first arrives at a club: scores a goal. Then it's all downhill from there with the worst kit number possible, 82. Good goal though!

Michele Pazienza Udinese
The Juventus loanee returned to Udinese with a bang last night, scoring off a Toto Di Natale set-piece. See the goal here.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Was anyone else disappointed to not hear about a failed Tevez deal? I was shocked. My dislike of Tevez is so strong, I take pleasure in hearing that a team is interested in him, then instantly repulsed by him moments later.

Sully Muntari matters
No picture needed, since he doesn't actually matter at all. The Inter and whatever English team he was on want-away really isn't that big of a signing. The fact that Inter fans could care less about one of their players going on loan to city rivals Milan is evidence alone.

Louis Saha is a major signing

Saha in better days...

I like Tottenham, but what kind of move is this? The aging Frenchman is having a torrid year and is not really in good health. The only thing I can see him doing, to quote Soccernet's live commentary, is riding the pine and joining Ledley King in the physio's room.

David Pizarro is actually in football news
I love Roma and am a huge fan of Pizarro, but never in a million years did I think he would be splashed across football's front pages this morning. He's old. He's always injured. He's hardly played this year. If anything, the news should start with "Why, Man City?" I hope he plays the way I know he can, but I really don't see why this was huge news.

English teams don't splash Jan. 2011 cash on ridiculous players

Players in cars - universal transfer signifier

Last January was quite the spectacle in modern football. Moves were made at the penultimate moment, big cash wasspent, and sh*t just happened and surprised the world. What happened this year England??? Only Gary Cahill. Borrrrrrrring.

Inter act like Inter
First they sell their anchor in the midfield Thiago Motta, effectively shocking the football world. Then they pull a Massimo Moratti loop-de-loop and scoop up Angelo Palombo and Fredy Guarin on loan! What is it with Inter and needing to make transfer for the sake of making transfers?