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06:59

Uploaded:

2017-11-29

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2017-11-29 16:10

Stevie Boebi -- sassy sex ed YouTuber and self-identified lesbian visited me in Missoula, Montana. It was great. We went hiking, played on Tinder, sang karaoke, ate, podcasted, and talked for days about sex and relationships.

When she sat down with me on the red couch I wanted to know more about her experience as a lesbian, what it's been like to coach lesbian sex 101 online, and what she thinks about her identity. This video is that conversation.

My favorite line:
"What happens before the sex is so important in sex ed." ~Stevie

Dr. Doe: Let's talk about lesbians!Stevie Boebi: How convenient. I love that topic.

D: This is Stevie Boebi. Stevie has a channel called youtube.com/stevie

D: Alright, let's start with the beginning.S: Ok.D: What does being a lesbian mean to you?S: Obviously I speak for all for all of them, so I'm gonna tell you. Umm, for me being a lesbian means being attracted- being a woman and being attracted to women.

D: What do you like about being a lesbian?S: I don't know because I've never been anything else, so I can only hear what it's like to be something else, and it sounds awful.D: I don't identify as a lesbian. I wish that I- S: I know, it sounds awful.D: -I mean, we talk about this off-camera, how much I wish that I was a lesbian-S: Oh god.D: -but I'm not despite my best efforts.

D: Sexually, the distinction for me is that when I go on dates with people who identify as men, I- I know like 'I want to undo your pants and go in there.' And with someone who identifies as a woman, I'm like 'like just leave your pants on and I'll just- I like- I wanna look at you.' And like, we could cuddle, but I have no interest in moving forward. And I- the thing about it is I don't know if that's because I don't have a script for it, if I haven't given myself permission for that, or if it's just not engaging to me.S: Hmm. That's hard to figure out which one it is.

D: Stevie has a series on her channel called "Lesbian Sex 101," and you have talked about fingering women, eating pussy, sexting. So you have essentially written the script for people like me, or people who do identify as liking women, on how to do it.S: Oh my god that's so nice to say!D: Well it's so true. It's so cool that you do. And I didn't realize until I started swiping right on ladies, that there isn't representation- and that like your channel provides that- and there are a few areas where you can go and you can see two women hooking up. But other than that, if you're not being represented it's really hard to follow some sort of script or know how to flirt and ask someone out and, you know, touch them etc.S: And because I've mostly dated women, I am realizing that people that don't only date women flirt and date and pick up on cues in completely different ways. I'm learning that people that are just coming out or realizing they like women might need that information, and it would be good for them to have it, as far as like, because, what happens before the sex is so important in sex ed.

D: So will you teach the Sexplanations audience some of your favorite things that you've learned and have put into those videos, or things that you are going to talk about, as kind of a sneak preview? S: Ohh, yeah, umm there's this one that I- I really like. Cause I was trying to figure out the difference between flirting where someone doesn't feel pressured or uncomfortable, and flirting where someone does feel pressured or uncomfortable, or like the other person's being creepy. And, umm, I was like 'ok, what makes someone creepy?' Compare two people: one person that you flirted with is creepy, one isn't. What did they do differently?

S: And I think it is expectation, and then retaliation when your expectations are not met. So if I were to see you in public, and I were to say, "I really like your outfit! That's really cute," or like whatever it is, and then you just say, "Thanks!" then I should not continue talking to you, because you didn't-D: Because I-S: -reciprocate.D: With my body language?S: Right.

D: But you're also saying that I just received that and I didn't put more energy into the conversation.S: Right.D: Ok.S: So, I guess that is reading body cues too, but, if I were to expect you to flirt back with me, I might be like, "Ugh," and then try again, and then try again, and then you might start getting more angry, more angry, and more negative, and then be like "No, you can't have my number!" And then I would get mad at you and be like, "Don't be a fucking bitch." Right?D: Well see that's-S: That's creepy, that's not ok, all of those things, but it's because I entered the conversation expecting for you to flirt with me back and then retaliated when you didn't.

S: So, when girls come out or realize that they like other girls, they try to like imitate men and how men have treated them in- in how they are pursued by them.D: Mhm.S: And so, they turn into what I call the "predatory lesbian," who's like, saying really fucked up shit and being gross and being creepy, like right when they first come out. Umm, and I'm so fucking guilty of this. It's like adopting the male gaze, you know?

D: So how would you like them to flirt?S: I think it's different for everyone, but you should definitely be yourself. You should not be like 'Oh here's my pickup lines and here's the things I'm gonna say,' you should just be yourself and practice, because I feel like nerves make people not be themselves, and make them say stupid things, and then they beat themself up about it cause they're like 'that was a stupid thing,' when you were just nervous.

D: I have one last question for you. S: Ok.D: Some women who have sex with women don't like the term "lesbian."S: Mhm.D: I think that that's something you really identify with?S: Mhm.D: So can you unpack for me what your attachment to that term is?S: A lot of ladies who like ladies do not identify as a lesbian because the word has kind of been stolen by porn, and, umm, straight people, and just like it- it feels over-sexualized to a lot of people. I find that the women who still identify as a lesbian are usually really feminine women I've noticed, or, umm, people who are older, I think, cause they've always identified with that word, and we're coming up with new words. I mean, if you google lesbian, all you find is porn. So it's like- it doesn't feel like an identity.

S: But I really, really like that word. I think it sounds really cool on my mouth when I say it out loud. I feel like I am a lesbian, and I really just- I really just like it, and I want to work towards making it being objectifying less true instead of abandoning it and making it more true. So, that's why I identify as a lesbian, but, a lot of women who like women who maybe don't identify as really feminine or identify as not a woman, feel like "gay" or "queer" is less restricting. That's cool too.

D: It makes me really excited that people can add more words but that we don't have to take all of the words away, and this is really a space that you hold for people who identify as lesbian, but also the queer community, and I would love to see your videos become that top search, like let's get you above the porn-S: That would be so cool if people searched "lesbian sex" and my videos came up instead of porn.D: Let's make it happen.

D: Stevie, I'm so grateful that you're here in Missoula hanging out with me, helping me with the dating world, all things good. Thank you for talking to me about being a lesbian.S: Yeah! Thanks so much.