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Tuesday and Thursday I will hopefully be able to practice with aikido program based out of DU. Hopefully has to stretch for now, as the pain in my joints in almost excruciating, mixing with altitude sickness. Ah the joys of being home and making the five thousand foot altitude transition..

My doctors upped the dosage of my Lortab. Drosyness , upset stomach.. ugh. More misery. I could barely keep my eyes open today, sleeping about fifteen hours (this for a person who has survive off four to six hours the last month or so..). If I were to go to aikido in this state I would be an extreme danger. I wil have to attend aikido and try to work through the pain. I started a thread based on this choice. I've looked and looked, and can find relatively no resources for non medical techniques to control pain.

It's come to my thinking, musing really, that some people don't realize the physical limitations of their partners. I got to thinking about this after refusing Kosa Dori (I think). I don't believe Sensei would have approached me to try the technique if he had realized how much pain I was in. Admittedly I did snap at him when he told me I needed to do more warm up techniques. I was tired and hurting and trying hard not to take out these things on others. I'm not sure anyone could understand. Not to say that it is a matter of worthyness or experience or anything like that. Gah.. I don't... have the words to express it. Perhaps I am closing my self off again, trying to limp away like some wounded animal. I feel off balance, like I'm spinning away from the calm current that I had been working with two weeks ago.

I'm losing connection again.

Somehow, whether or not the rising sun brings answers, or yet more questions, I know that I cannot stop fighting the pain in my body. Oxymoron if there was ever one. In yoga and meditation they teach us that there has to be balance between the mind, ego and body. Why then must I fight to maintain my quality of life? I'm just beginning my life on my own and the odds are slowly staking against me.

Maybe I'm ranting.
Maybe I'm rambling.
Maybe this is all a dream..

Maybe I'll wake up tomarrow cured.

Maybe I won't.

And maybe... just maybe I'll be able to sleep easier tonight and start anew in the morning.