Do not feed the trolls, do not feed the trolls, do not feed the trolls… Hey, have you been wondering what bitter, irrelevant sports columnist Jay Mariotti has been up to since being accused of beating up his girlfriend, then being so wealthy in his beach house that he didn’t need to write, trying to measure his dick against Deadspin’s because he didn’t like the gig that they offered him or the scathing takedown they wrote about him, and starting his own totally original sports media empire that was going to change the way we share news across that Internet thing that all the kids are talking about? Not much. Just writing a bunch of steaming horsesh*t and trying to troll for page views with today’s HOT SPROTS TAEKS.

Most of Mariotti’s rants have been stupid and uninteresting, but his NCAA Tournament piece from Wednesday is a stellar feat in scraping the bottom, even by his means. Mariotti shed his arrogant, out-of-touch and unoriginal sports writer demeanor to take on the demon spirit of a cable news pundit, as he is not pleased with President Obama at all for ignoring his duties as the President of the United States – “FIND THAT AIRPLANE, MR. OBAMA!” – and filling out an NCAA Tournament bracket once again for ESPN.

The Malaysia Airlines jetliner is still missing. Obamacare has become such a tragicomical farce that actor Zach Galifianakis, in some semi-coherent form, was used to educate young people about signing up. Sen. Rand Paul invoked the names of Martin Luther King and Muhammad Ali, who were subjected to surveillance in the 1960s, in telling the New York Times, “The first African-American president ought to be a little more conscious of the fact of what has happened with the abuses of domestic spying.”

Yet the various crises of his job didn’t stop Barack Obama from spending a portion of his presidential work week with an NCAA tournament bracket.

Hot Take Status:

But seriously, it took me five minutes to fill out my bracket. I think ol’ Prez deserves the same.

He filled out all 67 games for the ESPN audience. He explained why Michigan State is his pick to win the national championship, saying, “Tom Izzo is a great tournament coach. He knows how to motivate folks and he knows how to coach. … Bring it home for me. It’s been a while since I’ve won my pool.” He chose Florida, Louisville and Arizona as his other Final Four teams, lauding the work of Florida coach Billy Donovan and Louisville coach Rick Pitino by name. Amazingly, he knew how to pronounce the last name of Kansas center Joel Embiid — “Em-beed,” he said correctly, something even avid sports fans might not get right — knew that Michigan State’s “(Keith) Appling and (Adreian) Payne” have returned from injuries, knew all about Creighton scoring machine Doug McDermott and even knew the names of Arizona’s best two players.

Do you know the names of Arizona’s two best players? I knew only one, Aaron Gordon, before thinking hard and remembering Nick Johnson. The President of the United States knew their names.

Was he prepped by an aide? I wish I could say yes, but the man watches this stuff, studies this stuff, bones up so much on college basketball and all sports that his passion begs a question.

Shouldn’t the POTUS be devoting his time and energy to more urgent matters?

Hot Take Status:

Look kids, the POTUS is being criticized by the POS. Also, I call bullshit on Mariotti knowing any college athlete’s name without Google. If he can accuse the president of locking himself in a room and ignoring global politics for an episode of SportsCenter, then I think Mariotti is full of shit about ever using his brain, too.

Never have we seen an American President so immersed in sports. That might not be relevant if Obama, in the eyes of many Americans, also wasn’t among this nation’s most ineffective and inert leaders. It’s one thing to invite championship teams into the backyard to honor them, quite another to know enough about North Dakota State to forecast a second-round upset of Oklahoma. I am convinced Obama escapes to a private area of the White House and calls sports talk shows, going on the air as “Barry from Bethesda.” Think not? As a panelist on ESPN’s “Around The Horn” for eight years, I was reminded often that Obama watched our program and “Pardon The Interruption.” And while that was cool in a way, it also was unsettling. Didn’t he have more important things to do than watch me yell at Woody Paige for flubbing a name?

Hot Take Status:

But Jay, the entire world stopped spinning for you on Around the Horn, the most important sports news show in history. If we don’t know your take on the scent of Theo Epstein’s balls, then nothing matters.

A president should have hobbies and diversions from a hellish job, I realize. But during his two terms, Obama sometimes has seemed preoccupied, if not obsessed. Any other president, if finding any time to fill out a bracket, probably would spend 90 seconds on it and laugh. Barack is awfully serious about his. “I know these are not imaginative picks, but I think they’re the right ones,” he said, defiantly.

Hot Take Status:

Mariotti knows this for fact, because he spent so much time studying Obama’s daily actions from his house on the beach. But none of this has been anything new. Let’s take this to a new level, Jay. I know you have it in you.

I met Obama when he was a junior state senator in Illinois and I was a Chicago sports columnist. I also might be one reason why he has his current job. At one point, he faced a daunting race against a Republican challenger named Mike Ditka. No one is more popular in those parts than Da Coach, but one day, knowing how sleazy politics can be (particularly in that state), I wrote a column urging Ditka to reconsider based on lies and embellishments that might be spread about his private life. Days later, Ditka bowed out. Instead of losing and fading away, Obama won.

So blame me for President Sports Geek.

And, yes, the Malaysia Airlines jetliner is still missing.

Hot Take Status:

That’s right, Obama is president because Jay Mariotti convinced Mike Ditka not to run against him for the Illinois Senate, and bing bang boom he’s the leader of the free world. Now stop watching sports, Barry, and go find that f*cking plane.

So, is it possible there’s a sports writer walking around who ACTUALLY thinks he’s responsible for this presidency? That’s just him trolling and I’m late to the joke? Right? … Guys? Right?! Oh, dear lord maybe he means it.

It’s more remarkable that he thinks it was his column – and not the fact that Ditka realized he could make a ton of money as an analyst and not ruin his legacy in politics – that caused Mike Ditka to bow out.

That’s what this Crimea situation really needs COACH DITKA. America needs a president that’ll go for it on 4th down and not be afraid to give away an entire draft for a descent Secretary of State. They need a MAN with some FUCKING STONES, and a well groomed mustache. DITKA 2018

I used to watch Around the Horn pretty regularly, and there wasn’t a single commentator on that program that made me turn the channel faster than Mariotti. I’m a Detroit sports fan, so I’m pretty ingrained to hate all things Chicago, but I’d still hate him even if he wasn’t a Chicago guy.

But seriously, shouldn’t a sportswriter who wants to regain a shred of his former credibility be devoting his time and energy to — oh, I don’t know — LEARNING THE NAMES OF ATHLETES, instead of sounding like that drunk uncle we all try to avoid listening to at Thanksgiving?

I’m trying to figure out why you shit on Jay the Joke, but praise Bathtub Boy. Both are equally stupid, can’t hold a job, have no respect in their profession and think their own shit don’t stink. Then I read the first half of the article. Olbermann gets praise because his head is up the ass of Obama, but Marioti gets ripped because he rips Obama.

Listen, stick to covering sports. You clearly ain’t got a clue about the real world

Where exactly did he praise Obama? He’s not that Mariotti criticized Obama, it’s that he did it in a really stupid way. If you knew anything about Burnsy, you’d know he doesn’t care much about politics.

Thanks for lecturing us on what the real world is all about, Guy Who Takes His Cues From Insane Person John Gibson. You clearly have the inside scoop on what’s going down, and you’re certainly not a pathetic failure who will die alone and unloved.

How does blasphemy like this even get printed? Does this heathen not even realize the wrath he will bring upon his head when our beloved God-King discovers this? All hail him who feeds and clothes us, and may he have mercy on this benighted fool as he does on us all. Amen.