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Comment of the week

"It's the end of the first quarter, and you're already busing out the 'Max Bacon is sizzling' line? As fun a name as that is, there's not really too many directions you can go with it, especially not in the positive. 'We're at the half, and Max Bacon is killing the visitors like high sodium and cholesterol!' 'Third Quarter is up, and Max Bacon is hot like a grease fire!' 'The game is up, and if one thing's for certain, it's that Central wishes they were kosher right now ... or something ... Bacon, right?'" --pugfuggly

Main content:

I won’t waste my time or yours trying to explain the Gasoline Alley plot that led up to this — it’s all summarized in the first two panels here, and it took months, and Slim and Clovia were very angry with each other about it — but I do think it’s worth pointing out that all this drama has very suddenly been resolved with no action on the characters’ part, and with enough time left over to slip in a joke about toilets to boot. It’s kind of disorienting to see it all end so abruptly, and on a Thursday too. I’m thinking that the original ending, which involved yelling and knives, was nixed by the syndicate at the last minute. The remaining three days until the next plotline starts will just consist of Slim and Clovia standing around awkwardly.

For Better Or For Worse, 1/5/12

Ha ha, For Better Or For Worse, remember that thing? When it stopped with the ongoing storylines and became mostly reruns of young versions of the Pattersons talking in weird fake cute-speak it stopped being all that interesting to me, but I still feel compelled to read it daily. I also feel compelled to try to figure out, based on the art, whether we’re seeing old strips or new ones injected into the old continuity, and I think these are the latter, and I’m thinking: what if Lynn Johnston suddenly feels compelled to seize the reins and start aging the characters all over again, only this time John and Elly have a contentious divorce, leaving April to vanish in a limbo of never-was and Michael and Elizabeth with terrible emotional scars? Except look how they turned out when their parents stayed married, maybe they’ll be healthy, functional adults this way, who can say. Michael’s already showing a streak of self-loathing that, with years of therapy, might serve as a counterweight to his unbearable smugness.

Gil Thorp, 1/5/12

I’m extremely amused by the low-key Mudlark reaction in panel two, though you know that deep down they’re thinking that a Pokémon tattoo would be kind of awesome. They’re also playing it cool so as not to anger the disembodied claw-thing that’s casually draped itself on Punisher t-shirt dude’s shoulder.

Mark Trail, 1/5/12

“Yes, why don’t I come and hang out with you and Sally and your blind dog for a few days? Sweet Christ, I’d do anything to get away from my wife and adopted son.”

Beetle Bailey, 1/5/12

After billions of dollars were spent, the Defense Department began to suspect that Camp Swampy may not have been the best test site for its robotic supersoldier experiment.

Your comments of the week momentarily, but first: EXCITING NEWS! As you may know if you follow along with these sorts of things in the comments and/or forums, Mid-Atlanticon, a meetup of readers in the greater Potomac/Chesapeake region, has been in the works for a while now, and the details are at least ready to unleash upon a waiting world! On Saturday, May 22, 6 p.m., dinner and drinks will be happening at the Capitol City Brewing Co., right next door to Union Station in D.C.! And who will be drinking and dining among attendees? Me, that’s who. Also, there is a zoo excursion in the works in the afternoon (which I will unfortunately not be able to attend). Details are here in the forums. If you’re coming to the dinner part, please e-mail faithful reader and tireless meetup organizer bourbon babe, unbuckled ASAP at bourbonbabeunbuckled@yahoo.com so she can get an accurate headcount to the restaurant. So excited to see you all!

“If you rolled unmodified 3s in intelligence, dexterity, and charisma, you’re a plugger. You are required to make a daily saving throw vs. spontaneous organ failure.” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“Timmy, Timmy, Timmy — sure Olivia put up with your ‘it’s okay to touch it, we’re “married”’ for a little while, but the girl’s got prospects. She can’t wait around for you to get taller and wear less stupid hats forever.” –Megan (Best of Fates)

“Cherry’s expression in that ‘Get my hair done’ panel makes her look like she banged her head on the countertop after her usual breakfast of corn flakes swimming in vodka and lightly sprinkled with crushed Valium.” –Paul1963

“‘Getting my hair done’ is just Cherry’s code phrase for ‘getting the physical attention I desperately need, and that my husband will not provide, from Gus the gas station cashier.’ Mark’s unexpected pronouncement that he will be home for a while left her with no time to call Gus and cancel their standing Tuesday afternoon rendezvous. Fortunately, Mark will not notice that she did not actually get her hair done.” –Brian

“I hate to be catty, but what the hell is Cherry going to do to that hair that hasn’t already been done?” –mustang

“Are we talking about the same person? ’Cause the Lu Ann I know can barely master the intricacies of converting oxygen into carbon dioxide. If you get my drift. Which she wouldn’t.” –boojum

“I sure hope that the ‘Sassy runs off without her collar’ storyline will be settled with violence, or at least a board meeting.” –chrishocker

“The fact that Jules can make shoes that drive a man mad is an interesting plot twist. Perhaps — I hope — Judge Parker is about to move down into Lovecraftian terror, as Jules finally cobbles together that one pair of shoes that not only drives you mad, but summons the Great Old Ones from beyond? Those rugose, squamous shoes that you can hear walking across the floor in the small spaces of the night, echoing footfalls of gods of madness. It will end with murder, unspeakable depravity, and finally purifying fire. And Sam Driver will watch it all with his arms crossed and a smug expression.” –Vosh

“Honestly, this will just recycle the Rusty is nearly killed by a station wagon story we saw 30 years 6 months ago. The set up is exactly the same. Just replace ‘station wagon’ with ‘horse’: (1) Mark works on something that isn’t safe for young kids to be near; (2) Sassy runs towards the danger; (3) Rusty follows; (4) Mark yells; ‘No’ or ‘Look out’; (5) Rusty gets stuck; (6) Mark saves Rusty; (7) Rusty forgives Sassy; (8) Sassy wonders how she was foiled yet again.” –Thomas B.

“Mary’s look of absolute panic in panel 1, combined with her submissive ‘I surrender’ pose, makes this entire storyline worthwhile. For a split second, Mary remembers: ‘Oh, yeah, I’m alone in the apartment of a crazy lady — one of those hot-blooded gingers, no less — and no one knows that I’m here. Maybe I’ll just give her $40 and run for the door.’ Between the first and second panels, Mary regains her smug superiority because she remembers that she’s invincible.” –Joe Blevins

“I was puzzled as to why Jack was so shamelessly kissing Margo’s ass until I got to the last panel, where it was revealed that Margo had a viselike grip on Jack’s hand the whole time, ready to snap off a finger at the first hint of anything that’s not complete compliance. ‘Don’t we always agree, Jack,’ indeed.” –Lawyerbob

“Mark Trail remains a seamless blend of new delights and old standbys; reading it is like pulling the middle lever on the soft-serve ice cream machine (when the left is ‘poo’ and the right is ‘horror’).” –Dragon of Life

“Tommie doesn’t understand why Margo and Lu Ann are fighting, but she instinctively understands it may be interesting and she has no place being part of that.” –Chip Whittle

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I may have missed this earlier, but it appears that the hilariously surnamed Parker brothers are hilariously named Moe and Joe. What whimsical parents they must have had, to give them rhyming names! Clearly the only way they had to rebel against their twee upbringing was to grow facial hair and generally dick it up out on the lake, with their big motors. Still, we can see a bit of their wacky heritage out on display in the rapid-fire shirt exchange they made between panels one and two, just for absurdist fun. Mark and Senator Hatcher just stand there with their hands manfully on their hips, their low-key masculinity offering a counterpoint to their desperate antics

In panel three, Joe, or possibly Moe, shows that he’s well acquainted with the most up-to-date way to effect political change, which is to buttonhole one of your elected officials and scream at him.

For Better For Worse, 2/6/10

FBOFW reruns are like comics methadone: not as good as the real thing, and yet I still can’t seem to taper off. I do enjoy them for their sociological insight into late ’70s/early ’80s Canada, anyway. Today we learn what the main characteristic of a dark, seedy Montreal jazz club of the era was: omnipresent menacing mustaches.

Marmaduke, 2/6/10

Come now, Marmaduke’s lovingly curated collection of human femurs is a work of art, not a mere job. I mean, I at least hope that nobody’s paying him for it.