John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Is Guilt the Right Word? Answering a two-pronged question from a hurting young woman. (Published 12-6-11)

Q:

My Name is Sammi. I'm 17. My dad passed on Sept. 30. Honestly, I can’t handle it. My dad and I fought all the time. We never got along because of the past. I had a little girl and he was so happy when I brought her to visit, because he thought he'd never get to see her. I saw him for the last time 15 days before he died, and I have a picture with him and my daughter and me. He looked so sick. How do I get over the fact that he's gone? How do I get over the guilt I have? How do I forgive myself for not getting him help when I saw the condition he was in? I’m depressed about all of this and I don’t know how to do this without him!

Hi, it’s Sammi again. Sorry to bother you, but I have another question. My sister is very depressed because our dad died exactly a week after her birthday, and she just doesn’t know what to do. What can I tell her? She hardly went to visit him and she regrets that very much. How do I tell her that none of it was her fault, and that she shouldn’t blame herself?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Hi Sammi,

There’s one thing in each of your notes that really stood out when we read them one after the other.

About yourself you asked: "How do I get over the guilt I have?"

And about your sister you asked: "How do I tell her that none of it was her fault and that she shouldn’t blame herself?"

Both questions are about guilt. But maybe guilt is not really what either of you are dealing with. Guilt implies intent to harm, and it’s not clear to us that either of you did anything with intent to harm your father. As you say about your sister, “She regrets not going over there very much.” Regret and guilt are really different things that produce different feelings.

The Grief Recovery Handbook addresses the issue of guilt—or not—and shows you what you can do to deal with all the feelings you’re having. We recommend that you go to the library or bookstore and get a copy so that you and your sister can start reading it and then taking the actions it suggests.