Mr. President, You Forgot To Address A Few Points

FROM THE CHEAP SEATS

January 22, 2004|By Jerry Greene, Sentinel Columnist

Stop the presses!

(I've always wanted to run into the pressroom at midnight and yell that. But the problem is that they would either recognize me and laugh or not recognize me and throw me on the ground and pound me silly in case I was a terrorist. After all, I certainly have the physical profile of a terrorist.)

But I digress. My intent this morning had been to lead with a discussion of NASCAR's latest demonstration of its Rule No. 1: "It's our sport and we can do whatever we want." But that will have to be shoved aside to react to President Bush making "steroids in sports" part of his State of the Union speech.

He covered all the really important national concerns: homeland security, continued tax cuts, sanctity of marriage and whether Barry Bonds should have to wear a tattoo that reads, "Better living through chemistry?".

And forgive me for saying so, Mr. President, but you are not fooling anyone by saying, "performance-enhancing drugs like steroids in baseball, football, and other sports." You owned a baseball team. It's baseball that concerns you.

But that's OK. You are the prez. If you want to spend twice as much time talking about steroids in sports as you did talking about Social Security reform, you can do that. It was your speech. And clever move inviting Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. The Democrats got John Kerry, you got Tom Brady. Advantage, Bush.

Again, I digress.

The point is that there were so many other things you could have talked about. And don't tell me these other things wouldn't be pertinent. It's just like any episode of Law & Order when Sam Waterston tries to object to new evidence and the judge says: "Sorry, Mr. McCoy, you opened that door."

You opened that door, Mr. President, so here are 10 things you need to address:

TOP 10 STATE OF THE UNION TOPICS

10. About Michael Jackson -- He will be on the first manned mission to Mars (if "manned" is the proper term). But he can't take friends.

9. About Pete Rose -- He can't get into the Hall of Fame or manage baseball but you will give him a Cabinet post as your Ambassador to Las Vegas.

8. About mad cow -- The Canadians did it.

7. About MDD (mad Democrat disease) -- Howard Dean must be put down for the good of the nation.

6. About celebrity weddings -- All celebrity weddings do not become official until after 72 hours under the new "Britney Spears Lemon Law."

5. About Philadelphia -- Will change the name of the city to Loserville.

4. About Ted Williams -- Thaw him out.

3. About American Idol -- You interrupt your speech to sing, "The Yellow Rose of Texas," and if Simon makes one snide remark he'll be making his next appearance in a spider hole.

2. About Alex Rodriguez -- Despite Texas being the best state in the universe, A-Rod gets a presidential pardon that allows him to move to Boston so he can get into the AL Championship Series and fulfill his dream of losing to the Yankees.

And the most important thing that must be in your next State of the Union address:

1. About the Tour de France -- Move it somewhere where they love Lance Armstrong and never eat snails: the Tour de Boise.

No need to thank me, Mr. President. It's my job. It's what I do.

HEADING FOR HOME

My bad: No, this is not another apology about my NFL playoff predictions. Near the end of Wednesday's Cheap Seats, while noting the great rating WKMG-Ch. 6 got for the AFC Championship game, I meant to say "44 percent" of the sets in use were tuned to the game. Somehow it came out "4 percent," which would have been correct if I were talking about a rerun of The Mullets.

In my current role as UCF men's basketball supporter, let me tell you that ESPN.com made the Knights the first school in its "Cinderella Watch" column. Who hates Cinderella?

But the Orlando Seals hockey team would like to point out that it has an announced attendance average (actually tickets sold) of 3,136 for 13 home dates -- better than the Knights' last two crowds.

Why doesn't the NFL play its Pro Bowl this weekend without the Super Bowl players? Then they could use it for even more Super Bowl hype -- and we might actually watch. Emphasis on might.

The dude that plays "Da Bull," a mascot for the Chicago Bulls, was arrested for allegedly selling marijuana from inside his car. The NBA spin probably will be that at least he was trying to keep it off the streets.

NASCAR NOTIONS

The new "not-really-a-playoff-system-but-feels-like-it" idea that NASCAR decreed as law got bumped from the top of the page by the prez but there are a few observations to make:

This change is all about attracting TV viewers who don't watch races now, meaning it has nothing to do with current racing fans. NASCAR fans are not fools. They know this is not about them. Still, they might like it later even though they don't like it now.

What will prevent "non-playoff" drivers from making deals with "playoff" drivers? You know, stuff like, "I'll do my best to block the other guys but I'll let you pass for a chance to date your sister."