We are talking out loud about senior sex, celebrating the joys and addressing the challenges of sex and aging. Joan Price is the author of Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex and Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty. This blog presents senior sex news, views and reviews: reader questions; expert tips; and reviews of sex toys, books, and films that interest sex-positive Boomers, seniors, and elders. Join us!

Saturday, May 26, 2007

I was recently interviewed by Karen Rayne, Ph.D., a sex educator for teenagers and their parents who has a blog about adolescent sexuality . I'd like to repeat that interview here and get your comments:

Karen Rayne: Why do you think senior sexuality is important?

Joan Price: It's important because we've been seen by society and by the media (and sometimes by ourselves!) as asexual, unsexy, and altogether icky if we are sexually active and enthusiastic about it. We need to change that, not just for those of us who are already in our golden years, but for all ages. I offer this plea to young people: Help us change our society's view of older people as either sexless or ludicrous and disgusting for wanting sex. Realize that our bodies change, but we're still the same lusty and loving people that we were when we were your age.

Karen Rayne: What do you see as the life-long path that can lead to healthy senior sexuality?

Joan Price: Acceptance of our own sexuality and open-mindedness about any consensual sex taking place between people of age to give consent -- and by that I mean emotional age, not legal age of consent necessarily. I know that at age 17, I was fully ready to engage in sex with my 19-year-old boyfriend. We had been dating for two years, and only waited that long because we were scared to death that either my parents would find out or I'd get pregnant. (The first happened; the second didn't.) I fear for girls who become sexually active before they're emotionally ready, though -- to please a boyfriend, or because "everyone's doing it." I encourage teens to talk to older, trusted adults before becoming sexually active, and definitely to use barrier protection (condoms) every time.

Karen Rayne: How can parents and teachers best help children and teenagers start down that road?

Joan Price: I was a high school English teacher for 22 years before I switched to a writing career, and I still have a great love for and enjoyment of teenagers. When I was teaching, many students talked to me or wrote in their journals about their relationships. Sometimes they confided intimate details that they didn't feel they could tell their parents. I encourage teachers to make themselves accessible and safe, letting their students know they're available, opening up topics in class that let the teenagers know that the teachers understand and have useful perspectives to share. I encourage parents to do the same thing, but realize -- and please accept this -- that as open-minded, accessible, and loving as they are, their teenaged sons and daughters might feel more comfortable talking to a different adult. (I'd love to hear from teenagers about how they feel about this topic.)

Also, see your body as a lifelong source of sexual pleasure, and see the beauty in older people. I know it's difficult, when our society and especially the media stresses that beauty and sexuality are the domain of the young. For your own sake, please reject this notion. As you age, welcome the new image of sexuality that you'll see in yourself and in your peers.

I also invited Karen's readers to visit this blog:

As young people (and I'm talking to both teens and parents!), you may resist reading about people who are 60 or 70 or older talking so openly about their sexual attitudes and experiences, but I think it's very important that we talk and you hear us, just as you want us to hear you.

I look forward to reading the comments of the teens and their parents who visit us here.

.... "At what age do you plan to retire your genitals?" That's what Joan Price asks those who consider sexy seniors "icky." Price, author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty, says, "The main misconception is that seniors are either asexual, pathetic, or ludicrous because they're still interested in sex." She was so frustrated with the lack of positive images and information, she wrote a book about what she calls "ageless sexuality." Price tackles a myriad of subjects from serious issues like dealing with painful intercourse to spicy stories of threesomes.

Price's book and accompanying blog, [Betty] Dodson's work, and [Deirdre] Fishel's documentary have all kick-started a much needed dialogue. They not only prove that seniors do in fact have fulfilling sex lives, they can also empower older folks to get busy.

However, there is a serious lack of resources for the complex sexual issues facing people over 60, including illness and disability, hormonal changes, a decrease in libido and arousal, and the effect of common medications, not too mention coping with major changes to the vagina post-menopause, including dryness, atrophy, and a thinning of the tissue that can cause tearing, discomfort, and pain.

Taormino quotes Betty Dodson as saying, "Sex is such an important part of intimacy and bonding, of touching and feeling connected with a partner, of accepting our bodies and the wonderful physicality of which we're capable." Exactly!

Egner cites a recent poll of more than 10,600 American adults that found that "sexy is more an attitude than it is a perfect physique." More than 76 percent said a woman can be sexy if she was a size 14 or larger (well, sure!) and that "women (84 percent) are much more likely than men (63 percent) to say sexiness derives from an intangible quality ... rather than looks.

Egner interviewed me about how non-physical qualities become even more sexy as we age. On page 2, he writes,

But as we get older and gain status, emotional security and hard-won wisdom, we're looking less for hotties and babymakers than for compatible mates that will help create durable and rewarding relationships, says Joan Price, author, blogger and self-described "advocate of ageless sexuality."

Such considerations feed our personal ideas about what is sexy. Other factors include our awareness of our own changing bodies.

"We have wrinkles, sags and bags. If having perfect faces and unlined bodies was a prerequisite for sexiness, we'd be out of the story already," says Joan Price, 63, who wrote about evolving sexuality in her book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty. "We yearn for the same touch and intimacy but we have to first internalize the changed idea of what sexy is. We have to see ourselves as sexy."

Price recalls asking her 70-year-old husband Robert, whom she married last May, to explain exactly how he could consider her to be as beautiful as he claimed when she could plainly see all her lines and physical imperfections whenever she looked into a mirror. (So don't expect those sorts of questions to go away anytime soon, guys.)

"He told me, 'If I am to know myself and accept my own aging process, how could I want anything less from you?'" Price says. "I tell that story sometimes when I'm asked to speak somewhere and women always ask, 'Does Robert have a brother?'"

"When two people who really accept themselves come together, that's where good sex happens," she adds. "The most powerful sex organ is the brain."

With this article, though, is a slide slow of the so-called "Sexiest Women Over 35," which I found very disappointing. Why? The oldest "woman over 35" is Elle Macpherson, who is just 44 (a teenybopper in our world). Why isn't Sophia Loren (73) on that list? Julie Christie (66)? Lena Horne (88)? Or any of the other women listed on my post, How Old Are They Now?

Or does "over 35" have a nine year cut-off date?

This list is one more reminder of how much work is left to do in tearing down the stereotype of sexiness as synonymous with youth, and substituting real live role models of sexiness twice as old as the youngsters MSN.com chose as the "sexiest women over 35"!

Sunday, May 13, 2007

I am 26 and have no problem getting dates with women my age. I'm a young professional and have confidence in my abilities with women my age. However, I am incredibly attracted to older women. I don't want to say anything to friends because it feels abnormal, but I find such beauty in maturity. I work in a professional environment where I am around professional older women all the time. I can't help but fantasize about them. I'm sure part of it is that my hormones are going crazy, but there really is something more to it. There is something about a woman who is well versed, educated, smart, and mature that drives me wild. Is this wrong? And if it's not, do older women even take men my age seriously? When I'm talking to someone my age, it's easy to read and give signs, because it's commonplace for people in my age group to make a romantic connection - it's on people's minds. In conversation with an older woman, that assumption isn't there. Is there anything you feel will work better for making a signal to an older woman? Are there any phrases (not pick-up lines) that would serve as cues? What should I look for?

Sean, I'm discovering that many young men are attracted to older women for exactly the reasons you say: "something about a women who is well versed, educated, smart, and mature." Believe me, many women would jump at the chance to get to know you if they knew about you. Some suggestions for approaching an older woman who interests you:

1. Converse, listen (very important!), and flirt as you would with a woman of any age. Yes, she'll recognize the signs. She might be shy about letting you see her signs, in case she fears she's misreading yours, so keep her talking.

2. Don't rush things along -- she wants to know she interests you as a person, not just a potential bed partner.

3. Look into her eyes a lot. Really listen and respond to what she's saying.

4. Lean towards her to give the body signal that you're interested. Watch for these signs from her: eye contact; leaning towards you; arms relaxed (not crossed in front of chest); playing with hair, clothing, or jewelry.

5. After a nice, long conversation, where you feel there's a connection, you might ask her outright: "I wonder if there's any reason I should not ask you out."

6. If she says, "I'm old enough to be your mother," you can ask, "I really like the maturity and intelligence of older women. The question is, am I too young to interest you?"

7. If you're really brave, carry a copy of my book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty and carry it around. When she asks about the book, say something like, "I find older women very attractive, and I hope this book will help me understand them better -- in all ways."

I wrote about the experiences of Judy, 62, who loved men in their twenties in Older Women, Younger Men last September. Let's keep talking about this, because I know it is a fantasy of many older women and younger men, and for some, it's a passionate reality.

Friday, May 11, 2007

I was in the hospital following my cataract surgery, woozy from the sedative. Robert held my hand, attentive to the nurse who was reading us a checklist of postoperative instructions.

"Normal daily activity is fine, such as walking or light reading. Nothing strentous or jarring for one week, such as lifting heavy weights, bending all the way over, jogging..." she read in a crisp, clear voice.

Suddenly her voice lowered, becoming girlish and tentative. "Sex..." she paused, then whispered, "Do you want to know about sex?"

"Yes! Read the part about sex!" Robert and I almost yelled.

"You may resume sexual activities after one or two days," she finished in a whisper, then raised her voice to the pre-sex level to read the rest of the instructions about bathing, protecting my operated eye, and treating discomfort.

"She almost skipped the sex part," Robert said to me afterwards.

Why did the nurse feel the need to ask our permission and then whisper this one bit of information? I guess I should be used to this assumption that people of our age (63 and 70) are no longer interested in sex, and that approaching us with sexual information is embarrassing -- but I wish this would change!

I keep saying that my mission is to change society one mind at a time. But darn, it's taking a long time! Join me, please!

Thursday, May 10, 2007

I just got an email from Dean, who describes himself as "a very active 70 year old" from Kansas. He asks this:

Joan: I have had sex with ladies 40 to 74 in the last ten years. However I am diabetic and take pills for high blood pressure, so due to those two items I am as you guessed, impotent to the Nth degree. I have had and given oral sex to several partners but I feel like they feel that this isn't normal. My question, I guess, is, does granny really like this or is it that she feels, well, that's all he can do? Can you come up with a ball park figure in percentages of the lassies that do and don't get excited about oral sex? I have known ladies that were extremely sexual but would have nothing to do with oral. Is this very much the way granny thinks? Joan, I love the ladies and they like me, but what's a relationship without a little pandering?

Dean, I imagine our readers will have plenty to say, but let me start out by saying that calling a woman with whom you want to have sex "Granny" or "Lassie" just isn't sexy! I don't know how you interact with these women, or what you call them during pillow talk, but your wording here makes me wonder!

As far as whether older women like oral sex, there's no percentage I can give you. I can tell you that the better the man is at giving oral sex -- the more he tunes in to the sounds and movements that show him what she likes -- the better she'll enjoy it. That means not developing a one-technique-fits-all approach, but gathering many skills and the most important skill: being attentive to her cues and responding to them.

I'd like to recommend a book to you, Dean, and to every man who wants to understand better what a women enjoys during oral sex: She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner. This book is clever, practical, and full of tips and techniques guaranteed to help any man become a better lover!

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Natalie Angier explored that question in "Birds Do It. Bees Do It. People Seek the Keys to It," published in the New York Times on April 10, 2007. This exploration of sexual desire concluded that although sexual desire is universal, what turns us on (and how we know we're turned on) is as "quirky and personalized as the very chromosomal combinations that sexual reproduction will yield."

The article says,

For researchers in the field of human sexuality, the wide variance in how people characterize sexual desire and describe its most salient features is a source of challenge and opportunity, pleasure and pain. “We throw around the term ‘sexual desire’ as though we’re all sure we’re talking about the same thing,” said Lisa M. Diamond, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Utah. “But it’s clear from the research that people have very different operational definitions about what desire is.”

I suggest that not only are our reactions varied and individual, but they vary even more as we age. Certainly I would have answered the opening question differently thirty years ago. I would have said, "Sexual desire is a driving urge of attraction. I feel tingling in my genitals, and a feeling of physiological hollowness yearning to be filled. I fantasize touching my lust object, kissing him, discovering what he looks like, smells like, what noises he makes, how he makes love."

Today, at age 63, I'd answer differently: "Sexual desire is a yearning for intimacy, for touch, for bonding with my beloved man.I fantasize arousing him, connecting with him, becoming joined in intimacy and ecstacy. It is both physical and emotional, though without the electric arousal I used to feel -- that takes much more warm-up."

What about you? how would you define and describe sexual desire now, compared to when you were younger?

If you'd like to answer Richard A. Lippa's survey on sexual desire, which is mentioned in the NYT article, click here.

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Join me in talking out loud about senior sex! I am an advocate for ageless sexuality and the author of The Ultimate Guide to Sex after 50, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex, and Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty. I edited Ageless Erotica.
This blog offers news, views, and reviews related to sex and aging. I hope that by bringing the topics that concern us out in the open and sharing our attitudes and experiences, we'll start to change society -- one mind at a time!
You can read more about me at http://www.joanprice.com.

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