Left of Center (Turner) and Center of Center (Phelps) are screenwriters with satirical views on random headlines of the day. As one conservative Republican puts it: "..to me, it's not funny." and "...I think it is a bad reflection overall and frankly doesn't make me guffaw."

Friday, May 28, 2004

An Open Letter to the Makers of Adult Diapers

Dear maker of adult diapers,

I've taken to wearing adult diapers, you know, for the convenience factor. I think nothing could be more disgusting than having to use a public restroom. You never know who or what was on the seat before you. And urinals? Not for me, mister. I don't trust the splash-back factor. No, I'd rather just wet myself. It's easier that way. What about the itching, you ask? It’s no itchier than pouring honey and an ant farm down your pants.

I want you to know that you can freely use this letter in any of your marketing campaigns. I’ve heard that customer testimonials are very effective. If you want, I’ll read the letter on the air during the Super Bowl while demonstrating my use of your products. I have a lot of good ideas for using diapers. For example, I bet your butt falls asleep on a park bench, while you're feeding squirrels. Not mine. A little tip for you, if you're feeding squirrels in diapers, and you like to eat the nuts as much as the squirrels do, use almonds instead of peanuts because they pass through easier. You can just reuse them. Just pick 'em out. The squirrels don't mind. Oh yeah, right, like you've never done that. Maybe you could dramatize this example in a clever commercial featuring a talking squirrel, you know like the Bud frogs, and then run it during the Super Bowl. I’ve heard that people eat a lot of nuts when they watch the Super Bowl.

There are lots of reasons to wear adult diapers. You know when you're dating some pretty girl, but she or a federal judge or her father told you to stay away (I think the judge actually used the words "cease and desist")? You know how you have to wait in the bushes for her to come home? Doesn't hiding like that make you have to pee really bad? I used to hate that. Not anymore. No siree, I can stay in those bushes from the time she comes home, to the time she goes to sleep. Sometimes we watch Seinfeld reruns together. I can't hear the words through the living room window (damn that double-paned glass), but Kramer is still funny, even without sound. I love that show. What a bunch of losers.

And another thing, I don't have to waste time on silly things like washing my underwear. You might find more uses than I'm thinking of right now. Like, the other day, a Jehovah's Witness came to my door, looking for donations of food. I said, "wait one second, I'll give you a bag filled with Almond Joy. I know how much Jehovah likes that."

I hope this letter is useful to you. I think it is filled with many tips that might one day be proven to save lives or even be used to find uranium underneath the surface of Jupiter.