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I want to run for prom king at my high school, but I’m not the most popular. What could I do to make myself seem better to increase my chances of winning?

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I think the way of approaching this is to do as the pros do. If you have seen any political campaign you should know that one does not win by making oneself look good, but by making one’s opponents look bad (often by calling them a “Commie” or something else decidedly un-American). How do you accomplish this, you may wonder? Oh, my naïve friend, you do this through the planting of evidence and spreading of rumors. Here are a few I have graciously thought up for you.

If you are running against the stereotypical jock type, you want something that will emasculate him, or something that would play against his type. You have to be careful with this, because if you choose the wrong kind of thing it could help your opponent instead of hurt him. For example, you could start spreading a rumor that your enemy enjoys knitting. No one likes knitting. Who will believe he likes knitting, though? Everyone, after you break into his locker and toss in a few balls of yarn. Next time he opens it, his dirty, sweater-making secret will be revealed for the entire school to see.

What if there is a generally nice person who is running? Well, no one likes violence against animals—or more accurately, no one except him, after you’re finished. An easy way to spread this rumor is to ask him if he loves animal cruelty while you have a recorder running on your person. He will probably say, “I don’t love animal cruelty.” Edit out the “don’t,” and you are good to go. As with the other example, you will have to spread a rumor, but this time you have proof from your nemesis’ mouth.

I think you’re getting the idea here. Don’t just stop at these though—really get creative with it, and get to know your own style of subterfuge. Also, you don’t have to do just one—a few can really grind your foolish foes into nothing. I mean, you don’t want some kind of well-dressed insurrection going on. Good luck, future king.

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Question 2:

I keep getting bullied because I own and drive a scooter. How can I get people to leave me alone for my vehicle choice?

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I’m not going to lie about this one; it’s going to take a whole lot of time and effort. It’s a tall order. We are going to have to change the image of scooter pilots (I know that’s not the title of one whom operates a scooter, but wait for it) to all of America. To do this, you are going to need to pen a screenplay titled “The Scooter Pilot” (I told you, you impatient bastard). Write this with a hardcore summer blockbuster-type feel in mind. Your main character is going to have to get so extreme, the X-Games guys will see him and find themselves wanting him. He’s got to make ladies swoon and men want to be him. Think “Drive,” but replace a sweet muscle car with a scooter.

Once you have your script, you may wonder how you are going to get it made, seeing as you aren’t a big-shot screenwriter. Not a problem (at least for me)—you’ll need to get your hands a bit dirty. Everyone knows there are a few action stars in Hollywood that have enough pull to get any movie done—we know who they are— but for legal reasons I’ll go ahead and leave them unnamed (just a warning: Mel Gibson does not count. Only pick him if you want to be hated more). Now, you have a few options here. You could dumpster dive to find some kind of incriminating evidence, snap some incriminating pictures, or steal something very important to them. Once you get them seeing things your way, they will take care of the rest. All that’s left is to sit back, take some more bullying for the production cycle, and then watch those vehicular-minded emotional assassins wilt like a plant before a righteous drought of realizing they were wrong. Yeah, wilt you douchey flowers…

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Question 3:

I’m a girl and I really like this guy, and I want to go out with him. I know it’s kind of weird for a girl to ask out a guy, so what should I do?

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Straight up, what I’m about to suggest, if ever found out by your target (or significant other, whichever you prefer), will result in him requiring years of therapy. Go ahead; take a minute to crush down any moral qualms that may be arising.

How good are you at breaking and entering while going undetected? Depending on how you answer that question, this is either going to be really easy or not so much. I’m going to suggest that you incept this fellow, through a series of tapes you will play while he is sleeping.

You will want to start by making your tapes. Grab some sort of voice recorder and start speaking (in a gentle yet seductive tone) about yourself in the most embellishing way you can. Think about all your good qualities, and really throw some hyperbole their way. If you struggle coming up with enough, make up some—this is brainwashing. You can really go as far as you want with it. You’ll need to make anywhere from one to six tapes (depending on how much you come up with) that last about four hours or so; any more may get a little risky.

Now’s the tricky part, and seeing as I don’t have the floor plan of this guy’s house or any knowledge of the surrounding landscape, breaking in is really going to have to be all you. What I can do however is suggest general sneaking advice. Go with soft-soled shoes (or remove shoes altogether), to eliminate as much footfall as possible. Have an escape plan, which means knowing where any large windows may be and figuring out the fastest ways out. If you don’t like the escape plan thing, bring chloroform; it’s like a stealth mulligan! It’s also a good idea to bring something that can distract an animal, because he may have a pet.

After about two to five weeks of playing your sultry tapes into his brain cage while he is asleep, you should become his default dream girl. As long as he has some form of courage, he should be doing the asking pretty soon. There you go. Problem solved.

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Question 4

I finally worked up the nerve to ask the prettiest girl in school to the prom, and she said yes! The problem I have now is I don’t know what to do at the prom. How can I keep her from thinking of this as a mistake?

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If there is one thing 80’s movies have taught us all about the prettiest girl in school, it’s that she is always with the biggest asshole in school. It’s just what their instincts tell them to go for. You seem like a nice guy, so what this means for you is that you are going to want to completely change yourself, like a human douche my ride if you will. This means everything from wardrobe to personality.

Let’s start with wardrobe. The 80’s movie douche bag comes in three main varieties: jock, rich guy, and tough guy. I’ll cover this unholy triumvirate so you can choose, as they are all extremely different. If you go jock, prepare to be married to a letterman jacket of some sort, which can only come off if you are wearing something underneath to show off your muscles. Rich guys always wear a long sleeved shirt with a sweater tied around their neck, which can only come off if you are wearing something underneath to show off your muscles. Finally, there is the tough guy, who wears a leather jacket at all times, which can only come off if you are wearing something underneath that shows off your muscles. See what I mean? Completely different. Oh, a convertible of some sort is also a must.

Now that we have what you will be wearing out of the way, let’s get into how you will be making everyone’s life a living hell. If you see someone walk by in the lunchroom wearing glasses, and he/she is carrying a tray, you hit that tray out of their hands. Follow that up with a swift “nerd” calling. That goes for if someone is carrying a heavy load of books as well. Just generally knock things out of people’s hands. You are also going to want to kill all of your wit from your speech pattern, because wit is for nerds. It’s also a good idea to get your friends to agree to laugh at almost anything you say, or any hand knocking you may do, it really sells the image.

Do all of these things and she should be eating out of the palm of your hand. That is of course unless some kind of John Cusack or Michael J Fox looking person shows up.