Two pieces of insubstantial but mildly amusing drinking-related “news” out of Dartmouth (where Keggy the Keg was recently snubbed in favor of a moose as the school’s non-color unofficial mascot):

First is the seminal game-changer of a study published in the Journal of Common Sense Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine by two Dartmouth pediatricians showing that there is “a correlation between alcohol companies’ annual advertising expenditures and underage drinkers’ preferred brands.”

Call me crazy, but is that not the point of advertising? Obviously ads shouldn’t be aimed at underage drinkers (and they’re not), but it’s no secret that underage drinkers can view alcohol advertisements, and those ads wouldn’t be very good ads if they didn’t instill some level of brand loyalty in all viewers, regardless of age or legal drinking status. Tacking on the underage factor to this study seems like a cheap reason for MomBlog Nation to get all hot and bothered that Smirnoff Ice is ruining our nation’s vulnerable youth.

If that isn’t hand-wringingly terrifying enough, the study also concludes that “respondents who said they had a favorite brand were significantly more likely to report having engaged in binge drinking than those who did not specify a favorite.”

Unfortunately Ivygate’s in-house pediatrics correspondent is off this week, so I’ll be doing the analysis in her place: This is basic logic, just presented backwards. It’s impossible to pick a favorite brand if you’ve never had a drink, or if you drink so infrequently that you can’t compare one brand of alcohol to another. Having a favorite brand does not make someone more likely to binge drink, but binge drinking (more experience with different types of alcohol) makes it more likely that a person will have a favorite brand. Please put away your pitchforks and tell us something new.

IvyGate readers, we’re about to save your social lives. You can thank us later. Well, you can thank us later if you can still access your computer, because the Social Media Sobriety Test might alternatively decide that you’re too much of a drunken fool to use the Internet.

The Firefox plugin, which was launched last week, forces you to pass simple tests to “prove you’re sound of mind” before you can log onto Facebook and tell your freshman-year boyfriend that his new girlfriend looks like a wombat with a bad haircut. Users choose their “hours of intoxication” and the sites they know they should stay away from, and voilà, an instant beer buffer.

So far the plugin works like a charm, albeit a slow charm that takes so long to load that most drunk people would probably just fall asleep first. That must be part of the strategy.

But make no mistake: this program means business. IvyGate gave it a test run in the middle of the afternoon (we need to be protected from ourselves 24/7, so it’s not that weird), and we have to say, it’s hard. We swear we weren’t drunk. But trying to count steadily to thirty seconds when a bear in a party hat keeps rolling by holding a sign that says “8”? That’s like trying to tell the difference between your third and fourth toes without looking at them.

On the one hand, this is good news for all of us, and more importantly for everyone who knows us. No more late night trips down stalker lane. No more tweeting stupid shit like “I can’t find my feet” or “@FratBoyJohn you have weird nipples ha haha haah.” No more singing along to “Chocolate Rain” at 3am with the speaker volume cranked up to 150 decibels. No more Facebook-messaging the male college dean to ask him if he’s pregnant.

On the other hand, though, we suspect we might be shooting ourselves in the foot by posting this. Drunk college students are our favorite kind of people, and if everyone just went to bed every time they got crapulous, our jobs would probably be a lot harder. And what if you’re just a genuine idiot? No Facebook after 10pm? Morons, take heed.

I guess there’s a reason Michelle Obama is skipping out on her Princeton reunion this year: Troy Patterson reports in GQfrom the front lines of last year’s festivities. Hey, remember reading I am Charlotte Simmons? Well, you will in a second!

Who fuckin’ tonight? Who fuckin’ tonight? Who fuckin’ tonight? An older guy—identifiable by the pattern of his orangeand-black blazer as an ’84—wiggled his head to the groove, bald spot mirroring red light. A girl in a white miniskirt rocked out by back-kicking with a bandaged ankle while swinging on crutches. Behind the cage for the sound engineer’s booth, a kid pissed in a cup, tucked himself in, popped his collar, and briefly humped the nearest girl.

This is a reporting coup, or something — Patterson tells a heartbreaking tale of staggering drunkenness, with ambulances rolling up and Shirley Tilghmann in attendance. The story ends with a young man asking our author the time — just after 5am! — and declaring it’s “time to get the party started.” Perhaps all these recent college grads are trying a little too hard to recreate the college experience. Then again, Patterson — Princeton ’96! — was out at 5am too, if only for reporting purposes. Michelle Obama aside, I guess we all have our vices!

Another day, another drama for Cornell’s beleaguered frat scene, which never quite recovered from the sort of perfect storm of in(s)anity that this past winter in Ithaca brewed up. First Kappa Sigma lost its charter, now we hear, once again, Alpha Delt is losing its raison d’fratre, and for a long, long time! An anonymous tipster declares:

you may be interested to know that alpha delt was given over 20 weeks of social probation meaning that they are not allowed to have a social event until next spring. Chances are they probably wont be able to make it through the period because none of the bros in the house understand the severity of the situation… ie if they have one social event they will be kicked off campus. only time will tell though i guess we’ll have a better indication of things next spring we’ll see if they can even make it through the school year.

We’ll take that with the grain of salt the eight to twelve implied [sic]s should indicate. But, hmm! Tipsters, please let us know about the latest twist in the Cornell saga — after all, what’s a frat with twenty weeks of no partying? One even less popular than it already is:

The guys in my house all think that cornell would be a happier place without them around as no one really likes them. the guys in the house are losers.

From the statements made in recent days, it is clear that the Greek Leadership Council and other involved student groups also share this goal and are committed to working energetically to achieve harm reduction.

Remember that whole drinking-age-of-21 thing we have here in the US? You know… absurd, internationally-unprecedented, and more to blame for binge drinking and drunk driving than testosterone and Grand Theft Auto put together?

Well apparently, in the wake of three poisoned freshmen at Pike, the Hanover Police do. After an intense meeting with Greek organization leaders and other concerned Dartmouthians, the fuzz has just announced that they will begin “sting operations,” as part of an ongoing campaignto stamp out illegal alcohol consumption on campus. How? Espionage. Really:

As part of the compliance checks, Hanover Police plans to send non-police operatives posing as underage individuals into Greek organizations’ physical plants during parties to see if they are able to procure alcohol, he said. Hanover Police could then use the information as cause to arrest individuals or bring further legal action against Greek organizations.

Essentially, that cutie you were trying to bed at the PhiDelt-post-renovation-party could turn out to be a glock-packing snitch; rather than buzzed and laid, you’ll end up in a 5-by-5 cell. Repercussions of the new Mission-Impossible infiltration scheme will be even harsher for the frats themselves. 100 G’s harsher:

Greek organizations can be tried as corporations, and can be charged with reckless conduct, a felony-level fine, for providing alcohol to those underage…With evidence that Greek organizations are supplying underage individuals with alcohol, the organization can be fined from $2,000 for a misdemeanor to $100,000 for a felony.

Naturally, this new police policy is incredibly stupid. Even more naturally, the Dartmouth campus is in uproar, with students, alumni, and faculty alike protesting in droves. John Alekna ’10, president of the recently immolated Phi Delt, hits the nail on the head:

This will drive drinking underground.

Alumni Joe Asch ’79 is the coolest 52-year-old we know:

How does this help kids deal with over-consumption? This will make kids hide, they’re not going to stop.

Dunster House was the drunkest house at Harvard this weekend, where Halloween went terribly awry for one delightfully impaired student who shall be known only by the first initial of his last name: U. In the wee hours of morning on November 1, an email shot through cyberspace:

I hope your Halloween 2008 was eventful, since you probably don’t remember much of it. A few events in my room during this night is quite regrettable. Since you were blacked out, I think a summary is in order. Best of all, there are two exciting parts to your adventure in my room :

Part I.1. You puked everywhere outside the hallway, making it almost too nauseous to even enter my own room2. You puked onto the futon3. You puked all over my hallway right outside my bedroom4. You puked in my bedroom onto my computer chair, where I found you with your pants to your ankles in your underwear sitting on top of your puke5. You puked all over a bunch of my sweaters and jackets

Part II. [I leave my room, leaving you asleep with the trash can next to you and return in 2 hours to find that:]1. You puked all over the table I had put across my bedroom door to make sure you don’t make your way there again2. You puked all over the floor of my hallway3. You took multiple shits in the hallway in front of my bedroom door, then proceeded to step in the shit and smear it all over my bathroom floor.4. You smeared shit onto my sink, but I wiped this off out of necessity.

I found you sitting on top of the toilet, with your jeans at your ankles. Hey, at least you made it to the toilet?

The embattled puked-upon emailer (henceforth Mr. PU) delivers the “good news” after the jump. Also: Photographic evidence from the scene of the stench (SFW, but NSF-lunch-break)

In a move perfectly designed to conjure “Animal House” jokes, James E. Wright, President of Dartmouth College, signed the Amethyst Initiative. This petition, introduced this summer by John McCardell, President Emeritus of Middlebury College, is designed to “reopen public debate over the drinking age.” So far 129 college and university presidents have added their John Hancocks to this measure to curb binge drinking by maybe getting kids to start drinking earlier.

Though Dartmouth is the only Ivy on a list of signatories that includes schools as disparate as Hampshire College, Duke University and SUNY Purchase, UPenn President Amy Gutmann agrees the drinking age should be lowered to 18. Why didn’t she sign the petition? The Daily Pennsylvanian will answer that:

Gutmann did not sign the initiative because she has not seen conclusive evidence confirming its claim that the higher drinking age causes increased levels of binge drinking

So why is Gutmann in favor of lowering the drinking age, if not to stop young people from drinking? Well, Gutmann–by way of the Daily Pennsylvanian–believes in a little thing called freedom.

It is “unrealistic” to expect people who can vote and serve in the military “not to be able to take a drink,” says Penn President Amy Gutmann

After the jump, Cornell President David Skorton refuses to sign for no articulated reason.

Princeton’s dukes of drunk, Mike and Will, continue the 24-beer Newman’s Day challenge, with live and increasingly messily typed updates after the jump. For the morning liveblog click here. For an explanation as to why anyone would ever do such a thing, click here.

4:50PM: Pikes by the Pool

Mike: With Will in class, I’ve been looking for someone else to talk to about Newman’s Day. Luckily, I ran into a friend who told me Princeton’s Pikes were set up outside a dorm with a kiddie pool, grilling, and shagging golf balls down between the other residence halls.

Newmans Day is a booze-based holiday at Princeton inspired by famous words almost certainly never spoken by Paul Newman, “24 beers in a case, 24 hours in a day. Coincidence? I think not.” This year, we commissioned Will and Mike, two Princeton participants, to liveblog their beer-soaked adventures. Live-streaming updates after the jump.

7:00AM: Baseball Bats and the Finer Points of Vomiting in Public Places

Will: I woke up to the dulcet tones of a baseball bat striking my front door. The engineer living down the hall was having another long night. As he paced, swinging his baseball bat around his head like a spastic monkey, he spoke to himself–”Maybe if I write a short introduction. A short introduction will be fine.” As I prepared for a day of abusive drinking, I realized that he was discussing formatting decisions…while swinging a baseball bat, at 5am. It was going to be a great Newman’s Day.

Mike joined me almost an hour late, which meant I had a one beer lead on him and a chance to start watching my collection of Beavis and Butthead.

Unconditional Raves

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