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It's Easier to Leave than to Be Left Behind

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Fri, 2007-01-12 01:03 — Douglas

Last night in Ohio, and a great feeling of ambivalence. Between Toledo and Columbus I've lived here my whole life. And so have nearly all of my closest friends. But I mean to leave and not return. Well, okay, I'll return, but sparingly. And I'm skeptical that I'll see many visitors.
There were a lot of last minute requests to do things today. I had hoped to go to a few of my favorite places one last time this week. But there was more to do to get ready for the move than I expected, so I only got to the Toledo Museum of Art for awhile this afternoon. I wanted lots of pictures to remember the various galleries and general atmosphere, but everyone was very "helpful" and cleared out of the way when they saw I had a camera. After almost every shot I laughed and explained that I had wanted docents, guards, and visitors in the pictures!
Jeremy stopped by to pick up some things I've been meaning to give him for a long time now. He was determined to get everyone together one last time, but everybody we called didn't answer. We went to Ralphie's for some decent chicken and really awful cheap beer. And lots of obscure 80s tunes. After I got home everyone returned phone calls.
What I feel bad about is all the well wishes. I appreciate them, but for some reason this just does not feel like a big deal to me. I'm taking a long drive, then I'll call everyone later. I suppose I'm thinking of it like the last year of grad school - sitting in front of a computer or a book all the time, and only speaking to people online or over the telephone. The physical separation is just somehow immaterial to me at the moment.
Yet I know it shouldn't.
Well, we'll see how it goes. I talked to Jen for a bit this afternoon, and she swears she's going to come out and see me. That should make me happy, but I don't see it ever actually happening.
That's certainly something I haven't talked about with anyone. I'm sure some people have noticed that I'm a little different nowadays, but no one's really commented on it. I guess Becky has, but I think she didn't know me well enough before to know if things were different, or if she just hadn't noticed them before. But I'm deeply aware that I've changed. The only way I saw I could survive the breakup in the fall without utterly hating the person I've cared for the most in this world was to completely tear myself apart and put it all back together. Shatter a soul and rearrange the shards. It's still me, but different parts of my personality have drifted to the foreground, and notable things from before have resided. Maybe that's why this move is strangely so unimportant. I simply don't fit in to my old life anymore. To stay here longer has been unthinkable for months.
One thing I've noticed about myself now that I really don't like: I don't believe a single thing anybody says. I used to be the most trusting soul on the planet, probably downright naive. Now if someone tells me they're going to do something I don't just hold a reasonable doubt, my first and only inclination is that they won't. I guess that's a useful professional skill for a scientist, but pretty shitty in personal life. But I haven't been able to stop it. If anyone returns a phonecall I'm seriously surprised. And everyone that's said they plan to visit I have no doubt will not. If anybody does I'll be really happy to have been proven wrong.
And I don't actually think anyone is going to miss me when I'm gone. And the fact that I can't think otherwise is seriously starting to scare me.