As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie
before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to
the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled
into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking
cookies.

With his last remaining strength he crawled
to the table and was just barely able to lift
his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped
a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite
kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with
a spatula.

A lady is helping her husband installing his computer, then
having completed that successfully, she said that he now
should have a password that he would easily remember, so
that he would be able to use his computer when it asked
him his password.

Being a bit of a He man, he winks at his wife and says "penis",
as he enters the password and presses the mouse button, his wife bursts into a hysterical fit of laughter.......

Mr. Cikoch was a biology instructor at a snobby
suburban girl's junior college. During class
one day he asked his student, "Miss Simison,
would you please name the organ of the human
body, which under the appropriate conditions,
expands to six times its normal size, and define
the conditions."

Miss Simison gasped, and then said, "Mr. Cikoch,
I don't think that is a proper question to ask
me. I assure you my parents will hear of this.
"With that she sat down red-faced.

Mr. Cikoch then called on Miss Hakar and asked
the same question. Miss Hakar, with composure,
replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Cikoch. "And now, Miss
Simison, I have three things to say to you. One,
you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have
a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be
faced with a dreadful disappointment."

There was a lady sitting on a bench when an
old man came over to sit down. He moved over
to her side and said "Do you believe in the hereafter?"
and she said "Yes" Then he replied, "Then you
know what I'm hereafter."

A RVing couple, both born the same year and
month, were celebrating their 60th birthdays.
During the celebration, a fairy appeared and
said that because they had been so loving she
would grant them each one wish.

Very excited, the wife said that since she
had already visited most of North America in
her RV she would like to visit Europe. The fairy
waved her magic wand; airline tickets instantly
appeared in her hand.

Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for
a moment, then said with a sly look, "Well, I'd
like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand, and presto, he was
90.

A RVing couple, both born the same year and
month, were celebrating their 60th birthdays.
During the celebration, a fairy appeared and
said that because they had been so loving she
would grant them each one wish.

Very excited, the wife said that since she
had already visited most of North America in
her RV she would like to visit Europe. The fairy
waved her magic wand; airline tickets instantly
appeared in her hand.

Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for
a moment, then said with a sly look, "Well, I'd
like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand, and presto, he was
90.

Click to expand...

:bravo: Yes. We must consider carefully that which we wish for, LOL.... There are several paths to the same conclusion.

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as
the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted,
it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back
that are killed first. This natural selection
is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest
members.

In much the same way the human brain can only
operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive
intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells,
but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest
brain cells first. In this way regular consumption
of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making
the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few
beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!

A wildlife tale!
A bear wakes up during hibernation and can't get back to sleep.After tossing and turning for quite a while, he decides that he will just go into town and get a few beers and try again.
He brushes his teeth, combs his hair or whatever a bear does before he goes out and heads out.
Before too awful long, he ends up in Boise, Idaho. He meanders around until he ends up in the Bar/Nightclub district, picks one and goes in and sets himself down at the end of the bar.
Bartender walks down and asks "How may I help you?" The bear replies "May I get a draft beer, please?" Bartender replies "Sorry bud, we don't sell beers to bears in bars in Boise!"
Bear says "Come on man, I just need a couple beers to help me get back to sleep?" Bartender says "Like I told you, we don't sell beers to bears in bars in Boise!"
Being somewhat perturbed the bear says "Look I don't want to cause any trouble, I just want to quietly drink a couple of beers and then I'll head back to hibernation!" Bartender again replies "Look, it's like I told you, we don't sell beers to bears in bars in Boise!"
The bear looks around, sees a lady and her fella dancing on the dance floor. He gets up from his stool, walks over, swats the man across floor against the wall with his mighty paw and picks up the lady and finishes her off in a few bites!
He walks back over to his stool and sits down with flesh and blood and a few bits of torn leather miniskirt hanging from his maw (this happened back in the 1980's!) and says "Now barkeep, may I please have a beer without any more trouble?"
The bartender looks him straight in the eyes and says "I told you before, we don't sell beers to bears in bars in Boise! Especially, beers to bears in bars in Boise on DRUGS!!!"
Indignantly, the bear replies "I'm sorry but I do not do drugs!"
The bartender says "I'm sorry, too, but I have to point out that that was a BAR BITCH YOU ATE!!"

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to
pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their
ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send
him out on the balcony and tell him to report
on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents
put their plan into operation. "There's a car
being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An
ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he
called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the
Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know
that?" the startled father asked.

There was a lady sitting on a bench when an
old man came over to sit down. He moved over
to her side and said "Do you believe in the hereafter?"
and she said "Yes" Then he replied, "Then you
know what I'm hereafter."

Click to expand...

Or for more of a hereafter joke:

Him to her in car parked on rural dirt road:

"If you are not hereafter what I'm hereafter, you will be hereafter I'm gone."

"If you are not hereafter what I'm hereafter, you will be hereafter I'm gone."

Click to expand...

Hereafter

The preacher told me the other day I should be thinking about the Hereafter. I told him, "I do, all the time. No matter where I am -- in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen or in the basement - I'm always asking myself,
'Now, what am I here after?'" Inspirational Last Words Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, as the pastor was finishing the eulogy, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Fred had died. He said, "you know, ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read aloud, "you're standing on my oxygen tube!"