John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

"I don't know what to say" is often the best thing to say. (Published 4/28/2015)

Q:

My cousin's husband was murdered. She and her husband were a wonderful couple, educated and successful. The killing was brutal. I grew up with my cousin, but as adults we haven’t been close. I don't know what words of comfort I can possibly offer. I cannot get my mind around the senselessness of this loss. I'm hurt for my cousin, and furious at the person who did this with no regard for the devastation he was leaving behind. What can I say to her?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

Thanks for your note and question.

We can't begin to imagine the depth of your feelings about this diabolical event.

What we have just said may give you some guidance as to what you can say to your cousin. You might say to her: “I can’t begin to imagine what this has been like for you. I don’t have words to express my feelings for you and certainly about your husband. I know we haven’t been very close as adults, but I do recall our childhood together, and my heart goes out to you.”

If you are physically near her, the first thing you’d do is offer a hug, and then say those words if they ring true for you, or something very close to that that represents how you feel.