Andy Morris-Friedman: Sidewalks? Who needs sidewalks?

I was furious to read the recent article about new sidewalks along Route 9. I’m tired of the “commonwealth” wasting my hard-earned tax money on things that I don’t use. Why should I have to pay for sidewalks that are only going to be used nine months a year by a few poor people? Walkers don’t need sidewalks; they can use the bike path.

A better, free market solution would be to give those people vouchers so they can buy their own cars. Building sidewalks only encourages pedestrianism and is unfair to the real Americans who drive cars. Sidewalks are just the first step of anti-car extremists. First they want sidewalks on cross streets, then crosswalks on side streets. Where will this end?

The truth is that walking is bad for you. Just yesterday at the drive-thru, I saw someone on a sidewalk and almost ran them over. It’s a well-known fact: the so-called studies that tout walking as “good exercise“ are funded by the shoe industry for the sole purpose of increasing foot traffic. But I digress.

Therefore, I’m calling for a protest march to curb the expansion of sidewalks. Once they see us all marching past the mall, they’ll think twice. Except it might be kind of dangerous to walk there with all the cars whizzing by. So maybe we should wait to protest until after the sidewalks are in place, because that will be a lot safer.