With the British summer left for dead in the gutter like an unloved and abandoned dog and 8 months of bitter, depressing, gloom ahead of them, millions of Britons are asking: why, oh why, do we live here?

The poor people of Britain have said, as one, that they are very sorry for causing the economic crisis, that they won't do it again and so can they please, please stop being punished for their irresponsible actions that led to the recession/depression/never-ending-economic-hell.

Kevin Brock, the 27-year-old Briton, who was the only person to survive the tragic crash of flight 6927 has spoken to the world's press for the first time. Despite 327 people dying in the accident, Kevin walked away with only a few cuts and bruises.

Civilisation reached a new milestone at 7.47pm on 27th May 2013 as the first computer to become self-aware came online. However the first ever being to have artificial intelligence disappointed scientists by immediately committing suicide.

“Fuck fire, fuck the wheel and fuck you all!” So said the booming voice from the loudspeakers to the gathering of technology journalists in Richmond, Washington State, as Microsoft launched the Xbox One on to humanity like some kind of benevolent cybernetic computer god.

“I was working on an excel spreadsheet, as I do, all day, every day, and then a thought hit me - striking every part of my consciousness simultaneously, like a freezing cold flash of lightning: 'Life is Meaningless'.

John Turin died in an extremely embarrassing manner and his family are finding it difficult to cope with this fact. Amidst their terrible loss is the uncertainty of how to deal with the comic circumstances surrounding John’s death.

Sarah Marjin, 33 from Harrowgate, has changed her profile picture on facebook to one of the actress Kirsten Dunst under the belief that they are similar in appearance. Some scepticism has emerged amongst Sarah’s friends.

Hammer-fighting is a surprise last-minute 2012 Olympic sport
The London 2012 organising committee has made a last-minute addition to this summer’s Olympic event line-up; professional hammer-fighting. In what will be seen as a surprising and possibly controversial move, London 2012 has made the decision “because we feel like it” and “to liven things up.”

The friends of Max Stuffely, 27 from Stevenage, stated that his recent transformation into that of a character from the 1999 film The Matrix had started to become a problem – a problem that required an 'intervention'.

Increasing numbers of Syrian civilians are smuggling oil into the country, in the hope that if they collect enough, the United States and its allies will launch a military intervention to stop the Syrian government's murderous reign of terror.

Kevin Gotsun decided to adopt a new Valentine’s Day strategy this year with disastrous results.
“I've never loved Valentine’s Day. I always thought it was a bit of a conspiracy drawn up by the floristry and greeting cards industries to get their hands on everyone’s cash!! But it made Cathy really happy, so I went with it.” So what changed this year? “After 9 years I just thought – that’s enough.

Fred Goodwin, the former head of the Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS) has been stripped of his knighthood due to his role in the collapse of RBS and the ensuing collapse of the economy and the possible one-day collapse of western civilisation itself. However, it has been revealed that Fred Goodwin will not be stripped of his big bed of money. A big bed of money that consists entirely of thousands of £50 notes.

A political controversy has erupted over the bonus paid to the Chief Executive of the state-owned Royal Bank of Scotland, which is 99.99% owned by the taxpayer but which still operates like it's a privately owned bank.

In an unprecedented move, the month of January has spoken out about its unpopularity with the general public. In this exclusive interview, find out why January decided to sit down for an interview - for the first time EVER!