We’re 2 weeks in. First emotional breakdown was avoided, but the hankering for a cheeseburger and a side of fried chicken is strong. As the days continue I still find peace in my workouts, I find a lot of wisdom in cardio, and the diet is easy to follow. I’m not bored of my meals, but I do crave things I’ve never wanted before. I rarely eat fried anything, crave a cheeseburger once every 3 months and never drink margaritas; but those are just some of the things my body wants. Chocolate is a given seeing as how I know exactly where Carlos has stashed that bag of Dove cookies and cream chocolates I’ve tried to throw away twice. Peanut butter and jelly is nearly impossible to resist; I’m about to ban him from even opening the jar. I want crescent rolls and carbs mostly, but that’s expected since my life is void of any and all simple carbohydrates at the moment.

You chose this.

I don’t miss whiskey or tequila, surprisingly, and my hankering for beer has subsided, but those are things I’ve always known that I could do without. As for the food dilemma, I’m embarrassed by my cravings, which scares me into thinking that the road post-competition, the road that requires me to gain some weight back, will be difficult. I laugh at myself when I tell my boyfriend that I want “real” food, because it’s a 12-week diet. It’s 84 days for crying out loud. How can one be so driven by food that they cannot last 84 days without flavor? We are a society that lives to eat, when I am trying to convince my ever-grumbling stomach that I am eating to live right now.

It will be worth it.

It gets easier when I see new striations or muscles pop out. It gets easier when I get a pump in the gym and my arms get vascular. It gets easier when Los pushes me to squat more than my body weight, or when I can push out 8 reps on the leg press to his 10. It gets easier when I’m busy or motivated, and I’m beyond blessed to have the support I do from a lot of sources I never thought I would, but I still feel silly and irrational when I battle the voice in my head saying “a Greek yogurt won’t hurt.” It will.

This is only temporary; this is only the beginning.

I’m anxious to see where my body is in 2 more weeks time. I keep checking for abs when I wake up like a kid on Christmas morning. I’m just concerned about my history with food. I’m afraid to fail because then this 12 weeks will have been all for nothing (but perhaps not). And I’m afraid to succeed because then comes the 7-8 months of bulking that follows and as I am currently losing a pound a day, how will I be able to cope with the gains?

We’ll see. It’s the only thing I can keep telling myself throughout this journey.