A blog out of Bellingham, Washington

“The Hobbit” Redux

Ok, so, last month I wrote about my experience having seen The Hobbit in IMAX 3-D at the new local multiplex movie emporium, wherein I put forth the proposition that these new generation of movies, with their myriad visual technology gimmicks, more closely resemble amusement park rides than cinema. (This was actually a follow-up of sorts to a post I wrote in November 2011 in which I declared my preference for old school 2D analog film.)

Well, this morning I read a piece at McSweeney’s by Martin Azevedo titled “An Unexpected Screening Format Decision” that perfectly captures the absurdity I see in these current trends in movie making.

The whole thing must be read to fully appreciate it, but here are some of my highlights:

“Two tickets to The Hobbit, please.”

“Which version would you like to see?”

“Which version? What do you mean?”

“At 1:30 it screens in theater seven in 3D with THX sound. At 1:55 it screens in theater one in 48-frames-per-second IMAX 3D with 16 Channel Dolby sound and seat-quake technology, for a special fifteen-dollar admission. At 2:20, it screens in theater twelve in conventional 2D digital projection.”

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”Which version would you recommend?”

“I’d wait for the 4:15 screening in theater fifteen, presented in 2D Action Focus format. It has a running time of 70 minutes with no dwarf songs, Silmarillion flashbacks or long nights of dramatic hesitation experienced in real time.”

“I was hoping to get started by three o’clock.”

“Would 3:05 work? In theater eight, we’ll start the Extended Journey Final Cut version in Hi-Res Digital Cinemascape. It expands each of the epic battle scenes by showing their impact on minor characters who had to stay home.”

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“Have you got anything that runs two hours or less, balances character with action into a compelling fantasy narrative, costs eight to twelve dollars, can be seen with the naked eye, won’t trigger my epilepsy, and starts before three o’clock?”

“Oh—my mistake! With your nephew, you’ll want the Frodo Family Edition, playing at 1:45 in theater three. It runs 110 minutes, features two extra dwarf songs, and introduces six animated talking animal characters. Also, CGI safety rails have been added to the treacherous cliff passages. And Gandalf’s pipe blows bubbles.”