When media stops being social. Pt. I

When Instagram stories first popped up on my radar, I thought to myself: I am not getting involved with this. This is just another form of media that will suck away my time and attention span. I am going to resist.

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I resisted for about two months before I was right, up in the front, consuming and producing stories for my Instagram followers. Suddenly, everything became important. Making soup became important and worthy of documenting. Going for walks with my husband became important and worthy of documenting.

Little things-- things that used to be simple and all my own-- became packaged and delivered out into the world. My life was ready to be consumed.

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We've seen the good, the negative, and the somewhat weird effects because of that delivery. We've been in public places where people come up to us and classify us as "couple goals." We get the "I love watching your life" comments. I don't fault these people. We put it out there. As much as we think our actions won't affect people, they do. Somehow, I have thousands of people who watch me cook dinner or go out on a date night. I give them peeks into my life. It's on me.

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But recently, I started to feel tired.

I noticed that even though I was creating my own Instagram stories, I went spending just as much time (maybe more) consuming the stories of other people.

Rarely, unless it was a food blogger, did I walk away feeling like I retained any of the information. More than that, I was consuming the stories happening in the lives of my friends. I was peeking in throughout the day to see what they were up to, how their work was going, or what funny things they'd discovered about life that hour.

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Instagram stories became a regular habit in my life. I watched them in the morning, sleep still stuck in my eyes. Lane and I would sit up in bed and you could hear the voices of friends and family floating over the railings of our lofted bedroom.

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I found different feelings starting to sprout up inside of me: exhaustion, sadness, and envy. Never joy though. Envy was a big one for me. There would be nights where Lane and I would both be sitting on the couch, watching stories when we should have just been talking to one another, and our moods would suddenly switch. We'd see our friends on the screen, hanging out and laughing with one another. We'd witness hang-outs we never got invited to. Suddenly our nights became the sagas of Why is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

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More feelings came up. Deeper feelings of bitterness or sadness. Insecurities. It's crazy how social media turn us on or off in this way. One minute we are golden and the next we are in a pit of despair because of something that happened on a screen. You start to ask yourself questions:

What is wrong with me? Do they not like us? You question the things you post online: Am I being inclusive? Am I only posting this to let people know I am doing it? Am I purposefully hoping this story will leave someone else feeling left out?

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It's a nasty cycle. More and more, we are beginning to have honest conversations about social media and how it is transforming our lives. We are reciting the statistics back and forth to one another. There has been a rise in anxiety and depression in the last few years, thanks to social media.

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My friends and I were talking about this other day while we grabbed a coffee. My friend Liz said something that I believe is crucial: we are in control.

No one is forcing us to consume social media. It's on us if we are allowing the snapshots of other people's lives to make us insecure, bitter, resentful or jealous.

At the end of the day, we are responsible for how much we consume and if we keep consuming it after it makes us feel nasty inside.

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So a few months ago, I started taking my life back. Little by little. Piece by piece. It began with Instagram stories.

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And let me tell you, something in me shifted. Something changed and it was beautiful.