Saturday, March 5, 2011

My friends found out about my blog

Once upon a time, when I was at David’s house I showed him my blog and I was reckless because I didn’t cover the URL on time so he remembered it. That was about two months ago.

After returning back from Budapest, I noticed that David and Lucy were kinda strange. Simply said, I suspected but I wasn’t sure.

First, I didn’t told them about coming out to my parents. I didn’t tell them because my father asked me not to tell them, and I didn’t feel comfortable because they know them and they see them almost every day in the neighbourhood.

And then, one week ago I found out that David, Lucy and other friend (to whom I also came out) found out and was reading my blog and they didn’t told me because they read the post about my parents, and thought that I’m not telling them everything.

When I found out, I was very disappointed with them all and I thought I have lost my blog. I wanted to keep my blog private and even though I tell them almost everything, simply said, I wanted to keep it my ‘own’. I wanted a free will to write about anything I want without them commenting: “You should’ve said like this, like that blah blah blah…” and so on. Also, there are some secrets other doesn’t want to know from the other people and there is a lot of details from Mike’s life I don’t want them to know, because it’s his privacy and I respect that. That’s why I’m keeping myself anonymous.

So, when I found out, I thought everything is over. Three years of blogging (well, not that regularly but still three years) and I started to love this blog more and more with every day. I enjoyed writing and I had plans with it. As I said, I have ambitions to write a book some day and I will use this. Also, few days ago I was reading my posts about Mike (when we were in relationship and when I was blinded and happy) and it really made me feel better and simply I keep a track of my life.

This blog has become my online diary (even though I have my own diary) and I’m so glad to see how many visitors I have during a day, reading the comments, see that someone cares. Simply, you feel better and I thought that everything is over.

Also, Lucy got hysterical because I wrote about her and Ben (the friend I also told and I never mention him so now it’s the time to name him). So, his name is Ben, he knows about me and Lucy has a crush on him and they had something. It’s so complicated, they were friend for more than 14 years and a lot had happened between them. David found out about this and then Lucy told me (actually, she confirmed my doubts). I was sad because of her, and this is also one of the reasons why I would like to keep my blog away from my friends. I need my freedom of writing and with them reading this, it's simply not the same.

Later, that night, I changed my URL, my RSS feed and moved my blog to another location and talked a lot with David. He promised me that he won’t ever search for it. He understood how this is important for me. But in any case, because I know him and I know Bed is very curious and I didn’t want to ruin our trust, I changed URL. I lost some visits, but not my followers, blog buddies and my posts. I’m really lucky because David, Lucy and Ben don’t know anything about Blogger, following, reading, RSS feeds and so on. So, now the blog and my freedom of writing are safe. But in any case, I will follow visits from my country, to see is everything really okay. Until then, I’m still blogging.

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