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Paul Ryan’s Woodchuck Encounter

18 July 2018, 6:57 PM

Nightcap for 2018-7-19

APERTIF:“I always knew I was a star And now, the rest of the world seems to agree with me.”– Freddie Mercury

The End of Straws

Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock or you just-so-happen to be one of those people who prefers chugging their Frapaccino, you’ve probably heard about this widespread ban to push society to stop using plastic straws.

I’ve heard through the rumor-mill that this call for reform stemmed from various sources, the funniest being that it originated from a 6th grader’s essay on wastefulness. Another theory is that it came directly from an episode of Ninja Turtles.

Whatever perpetuated this call-to-action, I see nothing wrong with it. Even if actually diminishing your use of those convenient drinking-slurpers does nothing to contribute to saving the environment, it’s a good means of practice. It’s teaching people to be more cognizant of Mother Earth and our role in it.

But how much does banning straws REALLY help the seals or the trees?

Well, Starbucks recently imposed a band on straws and the results proved to be worse than if they had stuck with the slurping-sticks in the first place.

If you live in a place rampant with bears, then you probably are familiar with how domesticated they have become.

I don’t mean domestic in that they’ll come to have afternoon tea with you or sleep in your bed. I mean, most black bears have learned to coexist among humans by taking full advantage of our trash.

In attractions like Yellowstone National Park, It is so common for bears to rummage through your car, tent, and trash that fines have been imposed on humans who don’t take the proper protocol to lock their things up.

In fact, one man in Colorado came to his car one morning, only to find that a bear had somehow gotten stuck in the damn thing and had completely destroyed the interior of his car.

So, bears getting into your stuff isn’t uncommon. You know what IS uncommon? When a squad of woodchucks eats your car.

But that’s exactly what happened to Paul Ryan recently, which sounds like an article straight out of the Onion. Surprisingly enough, this story is all too true.

Bohemian Rhapsody is a foot-stomping celebration of Queen, their music and their extraordinary lead singer Freddie Mercury. Freddie defied stereotypes and shattered convention to become one of the most beloved entertainers on the planet. The film traces the meteoric rise of the band through their iconic songs and revolutionary sound.

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