Sunday, August 24, 2008

Sometimes you see someone who is just straight up uuuuuuggggly. Later on, you may try to describe to a friend that person's appearance, saying something like, "Dude, I'm telling you, this person I saw was ugly." People are curious by nature, however, and as such, your friend may wonder exactly how ugly this person was, and in what way. Are we talking Frankenstein or Linda Tripp? In this case, you may be at a loss for words. As usual, I am here to the rescue with a guide to the different ways you can describe a person's physical unattractiveness, listed from most offensive to least.

10) Tore up from the floor upThis is the worst, because it eliminates the possibility that any part of the person is attractive or even acceptable, including their ankles, elbows, and ears.

9) Weather-beatenEver seen a picture of someone who's just survived a major hurricane or tsunami? They don't exactly look like models at a fashion show, that's for sure.8) Fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way downMeans the person was born ugly and then it was all downhill from there. Combines the worst of both worlds: bad genes and a bad environment.7) Jacked upImplies that it's just wrong that any person is that ugly, a slap on the face of God himself. Similar in offensiveness to "train wreck."

6) Broke downNot good for a car, even worse for a person. Conjures up the image of a ratty rusted-out 1968 VW Beetle sitting in some dirty hippie's front yard.5) Wrecked/Busted/BeatThese all fall into the category of something that's not working properly or has been damaged. Not the most flattering way to describe a person.4) HaggardA bad one, but you can often deftly play it off by saying, "Oh, I meant to say she looks like Mariska Hargitay...from Law & Order: SVU." You know, because "Hargitay" sounds like "haggard-y."3) Penny pieceJust like a "dime piece" refers to a girl who gets a perfect 10 out of 10, a "penny piece" refers to one who gets a totally imperfect 1 out of 10. Would be more offensive if more people knew what it meant.2) StrugglingThis one depends on how you say it. If you drag out the "u," as in "Damn, she's struuuuuuuugglin'!" it might move up the list a few spots.1) Great personalityThe most polite way to avoid calling someone "ugly" is to complement some other aspect of that person, usually their personality. If you need to describe someone and the only adjectives you can think of are the ones listed above, the "great personality" route is an old standby that always does the trick. Please note that it does not matter if this person's personality is really that great, you just want to take the focus off his/her looks.

About Me

I am the world's foremost expert on the buffalo phenomenon. Depending on who you ask, I am an engineer, a redneck, a visionary, or just a straight-up ridiculous human being. Things were a lot simpler before this blog made me a major celebrity, that's for sure.