Susan Boyle Renders The Standing Ovation Meaningless

Remember Susan Boyle? You know the one: Unkempt, single-browed, chastity in tact, could kinda sorta sing? If your memory is a bit fuzzy, perhaps this genius portrait courtesy of Painter of Pancakes will help:

Thaaaaaat’s the one. Well, following her international debut on Britain’s Got Talent a few weeks ago, where she reimagined Les Miserables‘ Fantine as a heavyset, middle-aged virgin (oh, the irony — Fantine was suuuch a sloot), Boyle made yet another appearance on the show last week in her bid to make it to the finals. This time around, Boyle — by now, as recognizable in certain Third World nations as a young Michael Jordan — stepped onto the stage confident, made over, a new woman ready to present herself as the new face of English talent. She then flipped her garbage can lid over, delicately placed a fish skeleton on it, and proceeded to cat-wail her way through “Memories” from the appropriately titled Cats.

Sure, the song picks up a bit in the middle. But Boyle’s performance is strange… she just sort of stands there, Tweedledumstruck by her surroundings, mechanically belting out the song like an old-timey wind-up toy. And while Simon’s original reaction alone makes us thank the heavens for Susan’s mere existence…

…we can’t help but think her ship has sailed. Of course, that didn’t stop the three judges from begrudgingly giving Boylesies a standing ovation. She is their literal cash cow!

Her performance is ahead. And tell us: Do you think Susan Boyle is a one-trick philly, or does this woman actually have a recording career in her future?