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Homosexuality and its Discontents

It is not far from the truth to complain that “most gay men want nothing more than casual sex.” Often one hears this refrain from older guys who perceive an alarming level of apparent promiscuity among the younger ones; one hears this also from young boys who seem to come manufactured with a built-in “monogamously coupled” disposition. They can’t fathom the idea of having sexual encounters that mean nothing more.

Then, there are those who are themselves struggling with frequent sexual urges, of which they are ashamed and want suppressed because of the stigma associated with multiple sexual encounters and the glorification of sexual monogamy.

So, in the midst of all these discontents, how does a homosexual find “everlasting romance”!? How does one manage to nurture a healthy, respectful, and loving relationship with another gay man, when apparently, “most gay men want nothing more than casual sex”?

Can there be such a thing as a truly loving relationship between gay men?

Now, I have a two-part reply to this:

First: All good things are rare; like diamonds, gold, or money, so is the case with people (or men) of good values and character. All valuable things come in small, scarce supply.

So yes, due to the nature of this reality, one is more likely to encounter a whole bunch of less-than-ideal options in men before finding the right kind of man who can also respond to you similarly. This is arduous, time-consuming, and a includes a bit of chance, but you can trick the game and increase your chances of finding the “right” kind of man: For example, by surrounding yourself with friends and acquaintances with similar interests; by joining clubs, memberships, or activities that are more likely to be populated by the kind of people you would like; by becoming more visible in your achievements and productivity so that your net is cast far and wide and more people hear about you, etc.

So, it’s a combination of strategy and luck–but more strategy than luck. It still requires you to have all the necessary values and virtues and personality and style of character and appearance in place before you go out seeking for people you can love, and who can love you in return.

So, in short, yes, most gay men–like the larger population in which we all reside–is for the most part uninteresting and mundane. You’ll just have to keep digging deeper, looking harder, seeking farther. You may not encounter your ideal partners 100 times a day–heck, may be not even once a day!

Second: Men like sex! This is a basic truth about our species. The male species enjoy and seek sex far more often than the female species. In the straight world, the female’s general lack of interest in pure sexual pursuits manages to balance out the male’s ability and frequency to have more sex.

However, in the gay community, there is no such counter-foil. Hence, it is easier for men to have and enjoy more sex if they are gay. The power of our hormones and physiology can be overwhelming–even when it involves romances and promises of fidelity.

So, don’t try to fight this fact of reality. Accept this fact and work out ways in which you can manage this reality in your relationships.

By this I mean, if you find yourself in a beautiful, loving, emotionally fulfilling and wholesome relationship, don’t destroy it or let go of it only because you find that you are unable to accept their need to have a momentarily fleeting sexual encounter with someone else, or their need to be in a sexually open (but emotionally closed) relationship–or only because you were unable to forgive him for that one time when he confessed to giving in to his sexual urges.

Accepting that men are built differently than women and that men face different pressures than women will help you verbally negotiate the terms and conditions of fidelity in your relationship. What constitutes cheating? What constitutes love? What are the necessary ingredients of romance in a gay relationship? And more.

The answer to the questions need not resemble the answers that conventional straight communities provide.

Finally, the basic theme of all what I said above is the “acceptance of reality as is–wholly.” The reality of the self (who we are and who we aspire to be)–and the reality of the world we live in (how men are, how gay men are, how most people are, etc.).

2 Responses to “Homosexuality and its Discontents”

Macsaid

I liked your articles about the subject. As a film student i have came across many films based on Homosexuality from all around the world. If you dont mind i would be really happy to interact to you via mail. would like to read more from you.

C. Aoyagisaid

What of homosexual women? (Not that it particularly matters, but I am a woman in monoganous relationship with a man, and have two, soon to be three children) Where do you find (non-culturally ingrained) support for your claim that “The male species enjoy and seek sex far more often than the female species.” What i mean by my parenthesis is, that, by my own experience I find that that is a fallacy, or at least a culturally propagated myth. i.e. women are taught to feel guilt for their desire. Hank (and his wife) and Dagny’s relationship puts a few things in perspective actually- We have Hank who is told he should feel guilty for the sexual desire he feels, and he is simply a savage if he ‘submits’ to them. His wife is an example of a woman who has been taught that sex is simply a tool, that there is nothing to be gained from the physical pleasure between two adults (who I would add: respect each other). Dagny, on the other hand, as an embodiment of reason, has by-passed all the irrational guilt associated with the irrational cultural debasement of all sex, all physical pleasure. She enjoys sex.
I have felt the guilt associated with my un-ending desire for physical pleasure. (In my case it was solely attached to the desire of a single man, but it did transfer when I moved to another, brief, relationship) As a woman, you doubt your sanity, you can be labeled as a sex addict (either by yourself or by those who you confide in), and told that, because you are a woman, that you, determined by your gender, should be seeking a healthy emotional connection over and above a sexual relationship/connection. (I’m very aware of Rand’s position on ‘romantic physical love’ as the ideal of a man subjugating a woman, and a woman hero worshiping a man- this is my rough understanding- and I’m still trying to understand my own position on it- i.e. translate my own experiences and observations)
I will be blunt, and say your rational for saying that a gay relationship and a straight relationship differ is at best lacking. Sex for sex sake is self destructive in any encounter. Sex is an expression of love of your self and respect of something in the other (consenting) being. This goes for all relationships. Sexual release is pleasurable, but simply an act- it is how and with whom that makes it a complete(ing) experience for both men and women. (I’ll note here- if you just want simple sexual release, masturbation should be sufficient- but that is a whole other realm of psychoanalysis- why is it NOT enough for the ever sex ‘obsessed’ man?)
Giving anyone, regardless of their gender (whether physical, mental, or mutually defined) or their sexual preference, the sanction of ‘sex for sex sake,’ ‘sex obsession because I’m a man,’ etc. is a bit silly.
To the point- if one has a reasoned connection between their body and mind, all your ‘reasons’ given above melt away. You said “Finally, the basic theme of all what I said above is the ‘acceptance of reality as is–wholly.’ The reality of the self (who we are and who we aspire to be)–and the reality of the world we live in (how men are, how gay men are, how most people are, etc.). If that is truly the theme that you wish to convey, men (and I include women here), are selfish, rational beings. (Or should be- to put it more straightforwardly, men and women are reflections of their philosophies, whether it is held consciously or subconsciously) If they aspire to be only associated with their physical desire disassociated/disconnected from their mind, that is what they become. If they aspire to become a rational being, in a relationship which celebrates what is great in oneself by choosing to be in a relationship (brief or long term) with another that one respects, then that is what they will become. In end- man is man is man, or woman is woman is woman, or person is person is person. No loopholes for false logic or lack of reason.

I’ve been contemplating this idea as a whole for quite a while, and would appreciate any reasonable, even contrary, responses.

(I, personally, would consider myself (if not everyone), BI. I have been physically (–sexually) and emotionally attracted to both females and males (for, hindsightedly, their values and who they are, physically and mentally) I won’t claim my past decisions were made by anything resembling a distinct logic (this is a recent discovery of my ‘self’), but where i find myself, I am happy, and with my budding logic, acknowledge that I could be happy in any other situation, given my above standards. I respect anyone who chooses to discover who they are and live to the best of their ability [with the clarification that their choices do not, BY FORCE, conflict with another’s freedom and discovery…)- it does not matter to me whether I have chosen to live the same way as them or not.)