Defiance: why it happens and what to do about it (ages 3 to 4)

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Why preschoolers defy their parents

Your preschooler refuses to leave his friend's house, ignores your request to put away his toys, and pushes his trucks down the stairs despite your repeated instructions not to. Why is he being so defiant?

Less dependent on you than he was as a toddler, your preschooler now has a stronger and more secure identity. He may even be developing a bit of a rebellious streak. He’s also learning how to control his impulses, which takes time and practice.

What you can do about defiance

Be understanding
When you ask your preschooler to come and have lunch and he yells, "Not now!" and then cries when you make him come anyway, try to put yourself in his shoes. Give him a hug and tell him you know it's tough to stop while he's having fun, but lunch is ready.

The idea is to show him that instead of being part of the problem, you're actually on his side. Try not to get angry. Be kind but firm about making him come to the table when he must.

Set limits
Preschoolers need – and even want – limits, so set them and make sure your child knows what they are. Spell it out for him: "We don't hit. If you're angry, use your words to tell Yen Yen you want the toy back" or "Remember, you always have to hold my hand in the car park."

If your youngster has problems abiding by the rules (as every preschooler does), work on solutions. If he hits his little sister because he's feeling left out, for instance, let him help you feed or bathe the baby, then find a way for him to have his own special time with you. If he gets out of bed because he's afraid of the dark, give him a torch to keep beside his bed.

Reinforce good behaviour

Rather than paying attention to your preschooler only when he's misbehaving, try to catch him acting appropriately. A simple "Thanks for putting your shoes on the shoe rack!" or "It's so helpful when you share with your meimei!" will go a long way towards encouraging him to do more of the same.

And although you may be sorely tempted to give your child a verbal lashing when he engages in less-than-desirable antics, hold your tongue. When a child behaves badly, he already feels terrible. Making him feel even worse may only produce more negative behaviour. Stay calm and set a good example to him of how to behave.

Remember, too, that disciplining your preschooler doesn't mean controlling him – it means teaching him to control himself. Punishment might get him to behave, but only because he's afraid not to. It's best for your child to do the right thing because he wants to – because it makes the day more fun for him or makes him feel good.

Empower your preschooler
Providing opportunities for your youngster to make his own choices allows him to use some of his newfound independence in a controlled environment. Instead of telling him to put the jeans on that you've selected, for instance, let him choose between two pairs you've picked out. Ask if he'd like bayam or carrots with dinner, and which of two stories he'd prefer at bedtime.

Another way to help your youngster feel more in control is to tell him what he can do instead of what he can't. Rather than saying, "No! Don't kick the ball in the house!" say, "Let's go outside and play football." If he wants an ice-cream as a snack, tell him he can choose between a bit of tau fu fah or a slice of apple.

Choose your battles. If your fashion-savvy preschooler wants to wear his green camouflage sweatshirt with his orange striped shorts, what harm will it do? Sometimes it's easier to look the other way – when he splashes in a puddle on the way home, for example, or stuffs his puppet under his bed instead of putting it on the proper shelf.

Distract and divert. Avoid situations that might spark your preschooler's defiant streak. Why risk taking him to a fancy restaurant when you could just meet your sister for an early picnic in the park? How realistic is it to expect him to behave in a clothes shop or sit quietly during an hour-long community meeting?

If you're walking through the shopping centre and spy a toy shop that tends to send your kid into a frenzy, quickly steer him in a different direction or divert his attention ("Amir, look at that fountain! Do you want to go and see if there are any fish inside?").

Be realistic about his age and stage. When you ask your preschooler to make his bed or sweep the patio, make sure he knows how. Take the time to teach him new tasks, and do them together until he really gets the hang of it. Sometimes what looks like defiance is simply the inability to perform a task that's too difficult.

Finally, understand that your preschooler’s perception of time is very different from yours. Rather than expecting him to jump up from a game at his friend's house to get in the car, give him a few minutes' notice to help him change gears. ("Daniel, we're leaving in five minutes, so please finish your game.") BabyCenter expert and co-author of Asian Parenting TodayJennifer Hor stresses that this will allow your child time to prepare himself for the transition. This, in turn, usually cuts down tantrums and defiance.

There's no guarantee that he'll break away from his fun without complaint – in fact, he'll probably whine all the way home. But as long as you're patient and consistent, your youngster will eventually learn that defiance isn't the way to get what he wants.

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