6 Common Misconceptions About Polyamory.

I used to be one of those people who couldn’t comprehend how it would be possible to be in a non-monogamous relationship.

I’ve always held pretty liberal views on relationships, but I remember making certain assumptions (internally) about what an open relationship might be like.

In the past year or so I have learned a lot about it by spending time in the community. I am by no means an expert on polyamory, nor do I mean to tout it as some sort of lofty ideal that is somehow “better” than monogamy.

My aim is to bring more awareness and invite conversation about the nature of this lifestyle.

I believe that part of the reason it is easy to make certain assumptions about these kinds of relationships is because there are many different relationship structures that fall under the general heading of non-monogamy (or polyamory).

I also have noticed poly-related articles and shows popping up in mainstream media more frequently: it’s certainly a hot topic. Despite the fact that it is becoming more mainstream and acceptable, mainstream media likes to dramatize certain elements and downplay others, potentially giving the rest of the world false impressions of what polyamory is.

It’s important not to assume that if someone says that they are poly, it does not mean that they are automatically sexually available.

The same as polygamy.

It’s not a “cult,” type of thing, nor is it related to any form of religion. It also does not always consist of a “poly-family” structure, where a bunch of people live in a house together. (Note: polygyny is when a man has more than one wife and polyandry is when a woman has more than one husband).

A way to prevent divorce or breakups.

A key element of ethical non-monogamy is that it (ideally) eliminates cheating. But this doesn’t mean that going from mono to poly will somehow “save” a given relationship, nor does it mean that crappy things don’t happen in poly relationships.

Poly people still get jealous! The difference is that there is (often) more impetus to really confront and discuss jealousy in poly situations, so that such feelings are less likely to escalate to a place where it is problematic. In this, it can encourage a practice of self- and other-awareness. It means that whatever feelings are behind the jealousy (insecurity, possessiveness, inferiority) are examined, and that there is a focus on knowing the difference between attachment and love.

About avoiding commitment.

I don’t think this needs an explanation, I just really don’t like it when people equate non-monogamy with less commitment. I don’t see how the two are related at all, since a commitment between two people is a commitment between two people when and how they decide that they want it.

Put simply: when one spends time with in a community where there is extra incentive to be open, loving, accepting and compassionate—well, this can be contagious!

Polyamory is more about…

Freedom of choice.

The fact that we know we have a choice to be with others—whether or not we do this—can be empowering in itself. It places the focus on authenticity and mindfulness in relationships, meaning that we can design relationships around our own preferences and needs rather than forming them based on other people’s preconceived notions and expectations.

This includes one person’s ability to fully honour their partner’s choices, letting them be free and have space, whether this is to be with another or not.

Flexibility.

There are varying types, styles, degrees and structures of polyamory. There are open relationships, “monogomish” relationships and people who refer to themselves as “poly singleish.” Polyamory is a conceptual term that refers to a spectrum of relationship types rather than one concrete structure, and one can choose the structure that works best for them in their lives at a given time (including monogamy).

Learning to love (yourself).

All relationships are about learning and growth. When there is an explicit need to discuss everything out in the open, one’s capacity to love (themselves), practice compassion and engage in ongoing personal growth comes to the forefront pretty quickly.

Presence and authenticity.

Real love is about authentic choice. It’s about feeling fully empowered in yourself, and in the knowledge that you are free to choose to be with the person next to you at that moment, whether you have other partners at a given time or not.

This is a topic that is always rife for discussion, and I’d love to hear your comments below.

85 Comments

My partner and I have been married for 5 years and poly for life. While we have been polyamorous together things have been a bit difficult, running into issues here and there. After we changed our 'rules' to be simply just open communication and honesty things got a lot easier. Thanks for your posting, we love reading about other people in similar relationships and how to navigate the emotions behind everything.

I wanted to comment on this article but the whiteness of the image and the flaming heterosexuality has burned my retinas…

Seriously, for those who claim they've never seen polyamory work, consider the depths of the closet that most poly people are in. I suggest you stop looking primarily at straight, white, beautiful couples who try bringing in a 'third' to spice things up.

From a fat, old dyke who has been happily, successfully, and ethically poly since 1997.

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Renée Picard is a freelance writer and editor. She prefers real conversation over small talk, red over pink, ocean over mountains. She leads life with a soft-but-fierce heart. For her, writing has always been an instinct, a craft, a heart-thing.

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