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Does My Low Sex Drive Mean He is the Wrong Guy?

Hi Evan,

Love your blog! It seems that, after searching through your archives, many women have asked about what to do when their boyfriend has low-to-no sex drive, but what about if the tables were turned? I’m in my early thirties, and have had many long-term relationships–some great, some horrible, some somewhere in between. No matter the circumstances, I have always lost interest in sex a few months into the relationship.

I warned my current boyfriend of this very early on. He is a wonderful guy. He makes me feel safe, confident, and loved. There are no games and there is no low-level anxiety and insecurity lurking here. I’ve explained to him that I sometimes need help to “get in the mood” by him initiating sex. He has said that he feels it’s useless to do this as there’s a 90% chance I’ll turn him down. I feel horrible about this and sometimes feel it is my “duty” to have sex. At the same time, he is resistant to giving me what I’ve clearly asked for multiple times. We have been together for a year and three months at this point, and we seem to be lacking some communication here, as well as intimacy. Does this mean the chemistry is gone? Is this potentially the “wrong” relationship? –Anne

You meet a man.

For the first few months, he’s the most charming man in the entire universe. He texts during the day, he calls you at night, he makes plans in advance. Dates last for full weekends. In your experience, this guy is the best communicator you’ve ever seen. You two can work everything out and you always know where you stand with him.

Eventually, he changes.

He doesn’t text regularly. He doesn’t want to talk on the phone. He sees you as much, but doesn’t linger as long. You get the sense that he’s pulling away, but he swears he’s not. The more you push him to explain why he’s cooling off, the more he shuts down.

One of the best parts of healthy relationships is that you don’t get rejected by your partner.

This is who he is, he says. There’s nothing to talk about, he says.

How do you feel about the prospects for this relationship?

I mean, he’s a good guy, but he’s not the same guy you dated at the beginning. And while you don’t expect the fireworks to continue, at the very least, you expect him to care about your needs and make you feel safe, heard, and understood. His failure to do so casts a large shadow over your relationship and puts your future in doubt.

You’re well within your rights to want more from your boyfriend.

And your real-life boyfriend is well within his rights to want more sex from his girlfriend.

Both communication and sex are cornerstones of romantic partnerships and, if either of them is neglected, it can cause a major rift. Hey, if two people want to have sex once a year and they’re both cool with it, fine, but, in general, couples have to attempt to meet each others’ needs. You’re not meeting his right now.

I’m not “blaming” you. What you’re feeling is natural – to you.
“No matter the circumstances, I have always lost interest in sex a few months into the relationship.”

There are many reasons for this. Some people have low sex drives. Other couples become so familiar, so it’s hard to get as excited on a regular basis. My sex life admittedly dropped after my wife moved in. But, even so, neither of us ever claimed to have “lost interest in sex”. Not entirely. Not the way you claim.

So, to answer your question, is this the “wrong” relationship?

At the end of the day, a man needs a woman who makes him feel sexy and attractive.

It may be, but not because of your lack of chemistry. It’s the lack of communication and creativity that is killing you.

Let’s face some facts here:

1) You have an unusually low sex drive – with everybody. Your boyfriend shouldn’t take this personally. But that doesn’t mean that he has to accept the status quo. If I were you, I’d be talking to a sex therapist or getting my hormones measured. Because even if you’re content with your lack of sex, few men will be.

2) You two haven’t figured out a healthy work-around for this problem. You’re not wrong that you need help getting into the mood. Many people do. But one of the best parts of healthy relationships is that you don’t get rejected by your partner. Of course, sometimes, one of you is too tired or in a bad mood. However, if he makes a move and 90% of the time, your answer is no, it makes perfect sense that he’s not inclined to do it more. He needs your help. He needs your signals.

And if you can’t give him signals, since you’re never “feeling” it, then maybe the simplest solution is to put sex on your calendar every Friday night. Busy married couples do this all the time. Scheduling sex means that you’ll anticipate sex all week. It means he knows he’s not going to get shot down when he makes a move. And who knows, maybe if the sex is good, it’ll mean that you even want to do it more.

This isn’t an ideal solution, but it may be a creative breakthrough for you. At the end of the day, a man needs a woman who makes him feel sexy and attractive. And if you simply can’t do that – not with him, not with anyone – I don’t think the solution is to keep shopping around for the mythical guy who makes you permanently horny; it’s to figure out why no man seems to be able to do the trick, and learn to find a compromise that works for both of you.

If that sounds impossible or unpleasant, you have one option left: find a man who is okay with sex once a month and doesn’t mind being consistently rejected by his wife.

Comments:

1

Ruby

“I’m in my early thirties, and have had many long-term relationships–some great, some horrible, some somewhere in between. No matter the circumstances, I have always lost interest in sex a few months into the relationship”

I also wonder if there aren’t some psychological issues going on here, since it sounds like she has a more normal sex drive in the beginning, but then loses interest as all of her relationships get more serious. It’s one thing for one’s sex drive to diminish as a relationship progresses, but she’s saying she has “always lost interest”, and that seems extreme. Maybe she has unresolved issues about commitment?

Anne said: (original post)“I’ve explained to him that I sometimes need help to ‘get in the mood’ by him initiating sex. He has said that he feels it’s useless to do this as there’s a 90% chance I’ll turn him down.”“At the same time, he is resistant to giving me what I’ve clearly asked for multiple times.”

Your boyfriend is not resistant to giving you what you asked for (initiating sex). He’s resistant to getting turned down9 times out of 10.

I suspect most men are resistant to getting turned down by their girlfriends 1 time out of 2.

Anne said: (original post)“No matter the circumstances, I have always lost interest in sex a few months into the relationship.”

Have you looked into the potential causes for your low sex drive? If your low sex drive can be cured, treated or managed, that may be simpler than trying to find a man who shares your low sex drive.

Anne asked: (original post)“Does this mean the chemistry is gone?”

I suspect that your sex drive is usually low, but it increases to a more normal amount as long as the chemistry lasts. When the chemistry (inevitably) wears off, your sex drive returns to its usual (low) level.

Most relationships (including mine and Evan’s) survive the end of chemistry without any problems.

Could it be that the OP is not suited to monogamy (or long term monogamous relationships)? It sounds like to me she likes the novelty of being with new partners, and gets bored really fast if she’s with the same guy… I don’t know much about open relationships, polyamory, or swinging, and I’m sure it’s a difficult line to tread. But I agree with Evan, that it would be unfair to keep him if he has to suppress his sexual expression and desire. If that were me, I would feel like I were not truly living. If he’s unhappy, then you’re unhappy.

Sorry, I’m not trying to hurt or insult you, I was just thinking maybe you can look into alternate lifestyles to see if that will make you happier.

With my last bf, we did end up having sex once a month or so – even though I normally had a high sex drive, it just disappeared when I was with him. The problem was that he was a nice, kind man who treated me like gold, so I kind of talked myself into being with him even though i was barely attracted to him – I had been burned before, and here was this guy who was really into me. After we broke up, I had my usual high sexdrive again. So is this woman dating men she’s not that attracted to? I don’t know. I do know that I’m never going back to dating a guy just because he likes and pursues me – I deserve to be with someone I want to sleep with regularly! Yet women too often get bullied into thinking they’re shallow and superficial if they toss a nice guy over this key issue.

OP – I also think this is more of a question for a therapist (and one who specializes in sex) instead of a dating coach. I don’t know. I think there are a million reasons “Why?” that we could ponder on the blog (you subconsciously like to control your partners, you subconsciously need a reason for a breakup in case he just doesn’t like you, you fear commitment…) idk, but that “Why?” seems very specific to you, and it could just trying to conform to the LTR that you don’t actually want, and you are prolonging “flings”.

And, I think you are wrong on your part. You told your boyfriend the wrong thing. “I lose interest in sex” is a definitive, conversation-ender. You need to figure out a way to turn this around and find some things that actually turn you on. Weekend getaways at a hotel? Massages? Naughty email banter over your lunch break? Being cooked for?

Is it possible you just don’t know what you like, and/or are dating guys you don’t like because the chemistry was there at the start? There is some truth to the idea of self-fulfilling prophecies, but if I were you, I’d read some books and consult a therapist for at least 3 months or something to get an expert’s opinion.

Great question to address! I tend to agree with Karl R @2 in suspecting a usual low sex drive that increases under high chemistry circumstances.
Now, does it need to be “fixed” medically? Might be worth exploring just in case and see what the options are, but I strongly believe that a lower sex drive should not make oneself unwilling and/or unable to provide sex to ones partner.
I personally usually have a high sex drive with or without any partner, whereas I heard from a couple of female friends that their own sex drive could only be triggered by a partner within a relationship. However like pretty much everybody else, my sex drive certainly decreased as my relationship evolved, no matter how ridiculously attracted I am to my man. My fiance’s sex drive also decreased and we are both affected by fatigue, stress, etc.
However no matter how low my sex drive could drop on a given day/week, I always make sure to take care of my man. Unless I’m sick or really exhausted, I do not see any reason not to at least strip down, tease him a little, and give him a quick hand/blow job. I definitely do not wait for him to initiate as I do not think it would make him feel good to have to beg… or constantly have to go masturbate in the bathroom. Anyway even if I do not feel horny, I do take pleasure in seeing him enjoy my services : )
Yes, to me sex is as much a “duty” in a relationship as respectful communication, day-to-day compromizing, sharing of chores, etc. A loving duty hopefully!

“”I lose interest in sex’ is a definitive conversation-ender.”“There is some truth to the idea of self-fulfilling prophecies”

Well put Angie!!!

If the attitude is one of “that’s just the way I am” how does one move on from there? That kind of stance seems to be one of no responsibility. It also seems as if she is expecting her boyfriend to shoulder the responsibility for making her feel desire. Of course her boyfriend is not going to initiate sex if he is being rejected and to insist that he is not giving her what he has asked for is… can’t even think of a kind word for that. She is setting him up to fail whether or not she is doing it deliberately.

This is an issue that she needs to be proactive in solving. It is HER issue and it was there before him and will be there long after he has gone. If she chooses not to take responsibility then she shouldn’t be surprised when her boyfriend moves on.

I think its really weird to lose interest in sex that early on. However, I do give the OP major kudos for pointing this out early on. That is probably a difficult conversation to have and she did it. It gave the guy a chance to decide for himself and she layed her cards on the table.

Imagine how much easier if every new person you dated revealed their worst flaw early on? “I have a tendency to be selfish”, “I like to gamble a lot”. “I spend a lot more than I earn”. ….The dating world would be a heck of an easier place if everyone revealed their relationship killer secrets early on.

I would never date the OP if she told me that, although I would have tremendous respect and admiration for her for not concealing that fact.

My experience has been, that the first blush of love leads to an easy turn on and so men are conditioned to think that’s how it’s supposed to be always. Women have longer on-ramps. It’s normal. Her partner may not be interested in massaging her or wooing her for as long as she needs to get on the same sexual page. But it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with her. I’m sure there are plenty of us–myself included–who have bought into the idea that it’s our duty to make sure a man is satisfied in the bedroom. What a buzz kill that is. It’s far more interesting when both people are fully present and engaged. That takes team work.

First up, it’s okay to not want sex. There are people in this world who are happy with that as the basis of a relationship. If you’re open to things like polyamory or having mutually-acceptable partners outside, that’s also a solution if everything else works. But the rest of my thoughts assume that sex is something that Anne enjoys, and wants to want.
Second, “sex” or sexual contact can take many different forms, and it could be helpful to get out of the predominant viewpoint that requires it to involve some form of penetration and some form of orgasm from at least the male participant.
Which leads onto my next thought. Anne in the original letter states that:I’ve explained to him that I sometimes need help to “get in the mood” by him initiating sex. He has said that he feels it’s useless to do this as there’s a 90% chance I’ll turn him down.
This to me raises the very important question of what is involved in “get [me] in the mood” and “initiating sex”. Is this clearly communicated, and what is actually happening? Is it possible that “get in the mood” involves some prolonged warm-up, possibly with some horseplay, gentle petting or kissing or just expressing desire by touch and expression? Is it possible that “initiate sex” is being understood by her partner as a much more direct approach than that?
More to the point, I would want to know if Anne has ever talked to her partner about what things really work to get her in the mood, and what doesn’t? I can’t help but feel that a 90% failure rate implies either the statement “need help getting in the mood” is false, or else he doesn’t actually know what to do to get Anne in the mood. As discussed, “initiate sex” can take all sorts of forms, and can be understood in many ways. And a direct approach can be done in different ways, as can a slow build-up with lots of foreplay and pre-foreplay stuff. So it’s not only, what style (direct or slow), but also, what types of moves, touches, contact etc are the best?

Jenna #4 “I don’t know. I do know that I’m never going back to dating a guy just because he likes and pursues me – I deserve to be with someone I want to sleep with regularly! Yet women too often get bullied into thinking they’re shallow and superficial if they toss a nice guy over this key issue. ”
——————-
Very good ! There was a thread on this blog about someone who was with a guy who treated her nice and did all the right things, but she didn’t feel chemistry. Some of us gals shared that we have had the same experience. There were some hostile responses to us for admitting this. (mostly from men, but even a few women) It was implied or directly stated that we were psychology defective, bragging, or even lying, because we were truly the ones getting dumped & just trying to make ourselves feel better by claiming we just didn’t feel the chemistry. I am not sure what the OP’s reason for a low sex drive is, & I agree with what another poster said, this might be better addressed with a therapist rather than a dating coach. But being “bullied” by society into accepting a “nice guy” for whom she has no real attraction to could be one possible reason.
The tricky thing I have learned is, striking a balance between chemistry & compatibility. Too little chemistry, and the relationship will turn into a sexually barren wasteland, too much chemistry and judgement is impaired and one can end up with someone with whom they are incompatible.

I have to say that you are more generous with the OP then I am. It could be that she was just trying to be honest. Of course if the sexual attraction was there initially her boyfriend might have thought that it would be different with him. Sometimes people are blind because they choose not to pay attention or think that they will be the exception. Then when the sex withers away to nothing she can say, “I told you.” And somehow she is off the hook? NO.

If a man told me that he lost interest in sex after awhile I wouldn’t hang around for another date!! There are a lot of things that enjoy that I don’t need to get from a boyfriend, things that I can do with my friends, sex does NOT happen to be one of those things.

Evan, in my opinion sex shouldn’t feel like a duty. It should bring you pleasure to turn on your partner and make him/her feel good. No one should feel like sex is a job. Does it take effort sometimes after a stressful day? Sure. But there are far too many women out there who spread their legs and accommodate a man’s mood just because she thinks it’s her duty. And that’s just arcane. Your OP has communicated to her partner that she needs help getting in the mood. What’s unreasonable about that? I think it’s normal. And though it may mean extra work for him, the result is going to be far more satisfying for both of them. I have no idea if he has made the effort in the past or not to finesse the situation as she doesn’t say. She just says that he’s feeling defeated about it and so doesn’t try. I really can’t believe in 2013 I’m defending the idea that sex shouldn’t be a duty. That’s really bizarre to me.

First off, Evan- I’ve been reading your blog for about a year and a half now and your perspective has been so helpful. I definitely owe my more recent dating successes to you and your work.

To the OP: when I read your post, it doesn’t sound to me like the lower sex drive is the issue. I mean, if you were saying you only wanted sex once a week and he wants it twice, I’d say sure, your drive is lower. But, you’re saying you only want your boyfriend once a month, if that. It sounds to me that you just don’t want your boyfriend. I think for some of us, sex and emotion are highly connected. Sometimes our emotional selves catch up before our rational sides do and the issue shows up physically before we wrap our heads around our true feelings. I’ve had three boyfriends that I lost complete interest in sexually before I fully realized I didn’t want to be with any of them. And I have a really high libido. It sounds to me that as you get to know any of your boyfriends better you lose interest in sleeping with them. I’d guess that you weren’t feeling quite right about any of these relationships and the problem just showed up in your sex life first…

I agree with you 100% I’m with a guy right now that is very very good to me, yet I’m discovered a lack of compatibility and interest. Its been 2 years now and iv completely lost interest in sex with him. Didn’t realize I was disconnecting emotionally until the thought of sleeping with him hurt my stomach.

OP here, and YES! I believe you hit the nail on the head! Not surprisingly, the guy I was with at the time I wrote this post ended up being a lazy, unemployed mooch who felt he didn’t have to work at anything anymore once he nailed me down (no pun intended). Needless to say, that relationship ended long ago.

Nadia said: (#16)“Your OP has communicated to her partner that she needs help getting in the mood. What’s unreasonable about that?”Anne said: (original post)“He has said that he feels it’s useless to do this as there’s a 90% chance I’ll turn him down.”

Nadia,
If you are correct, then this couple is having horrible issues with communication. My wife usually takes a while to get into the mood, and I’ve never confused that with her rejecting sex.

Examples of how a woman might request to be put in the mood:
“Could you give me a backrub?”
“Could I get a foot massage?”
“Let’s take a shower together first.”

Examples of how a woman rejects an man’s overtures for sex:
“I’m not in the mood.”
“I don’t feel like it tonight.”
“I’m too tired right now.”

If your boyfriend or husband thought sex with you was a chore, never initiated sex with you, and refused to have sex with you 90% of the times you tried to initiate sex with him … would you feel like he was a good partner for you?

It doesn’t matter whether you’re a man or a woman. In a good relationship, you put effort into making your partner happy. If Anne isn’t willing or able to do that, her boyfriend will find a relationship that does make him happy … with someone else.

Leslie said: (#17)“I’d guess that you weren’t feeling quite right about any of these relationships and the problem just showed up in your sex life first…”Anne said: (original post)“and have had many long-term relationships–some great, some horrible, some somewhere in between. No matter the circumstances, I have always lost interest in sex a few months into the relationship.”

Leslie,
If there are enough relationships to establish a pattern, and there is a pattern that happens in every relationship, then the source of the problem is in the one element to all of the relationships … Anne.

If Anne losing interest in all of her many boyfriends because she doesn’t want to be with them, then she still has a problem. In that case, there aren’t any men out there (including the great ones) who she wants to be be in a relationship with over the long-term.

What is really bazaar is that you are defending a position that no one is attacking. Who here thinks sex should be a duty or chore? Fusee #7 was the only one who wrote about “duty” I didn’t take her post to mean that we as women are obligated and duty bound to have sex. If this is what has your undies in a bundle perhaps you should read that post.

Not to discount the reality of a low sex drive, but I echo the point about self-fulfilling prophesy. She said she warned her boyfriend at the very beginning of the relationship about her waning sex interest. So, gee, what do you know? Her sexual interest waned. I understand wanting to be honest and buffer disappointment, but at the same time you don’t want to inadvertantly influence how your story plays out. I think by making such a negative prediction from the very start, you WILL alter the nature of the relationship. If my boyfriend came out with something like that on the second or third date, I cannot help but think that would have influenced our interactions from then on quite a bit, with me feeling a sword was dangling over us. Not good.

Even if the influence of this prediction is not the biggest factor, I can see where sex would become a chore if Anne is having it with a boyfriend who is feeling understandably discouraged. There’s a good chance that doesn’t feel right being enthusiastic while he believes his partner is just tolerating him, so foreplay might seem rude and pointless to him, so Anne loses out (and sex continues being a chore). Or, he could just be a little clueless about the concept of “foreplay” and needs more specific direction that he can’t just intuit. Maybe he doesn’t realize that foreplay can be started anytime and last ALL DAY if you want it to. Maybe he responds better to being shown rather than told what to do. Or heck, all of the above. Creativity may be all Anne needs yet she will have to lead in this regard given her boyfriend’s confidence is shot to hell.

In Anne’s defense, if it’s the case where Anne is asking for foreplay – with specificity – and her boyfriend is just not willing and just wants to get his rocks off, then I can see where she would feel pretty rejected herself and tune his desires out. In which case, I think we all know what the solution is here (and just so happens to rhyme with hump him).

Frankly, I’m not always rarin’ to go everytime, either. However, I find sex to be fun so I rarely if ever turn it down. If sex stopped being fun barring any stress, injury or illness, I can understand where sex would feel like a waste of time. At the same time, I would have to wonder: what happened to the fun? What what made it fun in the first place? How can I ask my partner for help? I encourage Anne to give these questions some real thought.

@starthrower68 #19:“How did relationships ever survive back when sex was taboo before marriage?”
My guess is that there was pretty much no real relationship before marriage, with the occasional exception due to school or military duties, but both parties would then be apart anyway. Courtship lasted for a few weeks or months with marriage to follow quickly if everyone was on board.

I can completely see where the man in this situation is coming from…after consistently getting rejected, you start to think “why bother?”…
I was in a relationship like this with a man who had a very low sex drive, and it made me feel terrible about myself. The most successful relationships I have had have been ones where we both gave ourselves freely, so to speak. Yes, of course there are times when you wont want to, such as if you are sick. But being rejected 9 times out of 10?
LW, I would certainly want to talk to my doctor if I were you. It can’t be fulfillling for you either, knowing that there is an important aspect of your relationship missing. Not to mention, sometimes I think that even if I am not “in the mood”, if I go along with it anyway, I’m usually able to get in the mood pretty fast! Good luck.

I was in a relationship with a man like this. Eventually I couldn’t be bothered initiating any more because he would not respond at all. I felt lonely and unattractive. People think sex is just sex but that side of the relationship is a good part of feeling loved. So I’m going to go ahead and say that sex is a duty for both partners. But I don’t understand why some people are unafraid to talk about sex before it gets to the point of derailing the relationship. The affected person withdraws rather than really confronting it. It’s perplexing for both sides.

#7 Fusee, I feel and think the same way you do. Men look at sex differently with women, as I understand it, it’s how they emotionally communicate with a woman. Not to mention the physical benefits to them. Take that away when in a committe relationship, where does that leave him?

OP, it could come from a more or les serious health problem !
– it could be Candida
– it could be silent Chlamydia
– it could be a chemical (putting hot drinks in plastic bottles)
– it could come from food (eating/drinking lots of soy ?!)
– it could be hormone imbalance (not just testosterone)
– it could be that you are on the pill (most pills kill libido… lame, huh? kinda defeats the purpose..)
Have a blood test specific for hormones, see a gynecologist AND an acupunctor (they can reestablish lost balance in your organs).
Do your research.
There are many conditions that lower your sex drive, and if you have none of them then I think too it’s commitment phobia… a therapist work.
good luck !

I managed to endure 18 years out of 22 without any sex with any one before I cracked and sought another woman. I am still slightly astonished that some couples have non reproductive sex after marriage. Sex is critical to a relationship. Children get warped in an environment where parents aren’t having sex. You can push yourself to stay in the marriage but the stress comes out somewhere in the family. Sex is absolutely a duty and a mutual entitlement otherwise you are not married in any meaningful sense. Sex can be bought for money leaving the relationship unthreatened if affection remains in the relationship but no sex and no affection makes marriage threatening affairs more or less inevitable.

Thanks, everyone, for the feedback. And thank you, Evan, for posting my question! I should mention this too-in the beginning of the relationship, I did, literally, ALL of the initiating of sex. All of it. At one point I had told him that I would like it if he would initiate it, and he told me it didn’t seem he needed to, since I was always the initiator. He never really did. I got tired of initiating. And yes, he knew of my pattern as I had told him early on, but he never initiated! I should have been more clear. There weren’t “nine out of ten instances” that I rejected him. There weren’t even ten instances in total where I would have had a chance to reject him. I certainly agree that there is likely a psychological and/or hormonal component here, on my part. I’m not quite the frigid picture I painted, though.

Anne OP – Thanks for subjecting yourself to such scrutiny on such a sensitive topic. If you have to have done all the initiating — Well UGH ! I am not comfortable initiating until I am WELL INTO A RELATIONSHIP, and even then, if my guy does enough initiating that it’s not necessary for me to do so, I am content to always be the responder. If I am in a well established relationship, and I’m in the mood and he hasn’t initiated, and he’s open to the woman initiating, then I can have a great time being the aggressor in the bedroom, but only IF we have established enough of a relationship where I know he’s really into me. I don’t think I could even BE with a man who didn’t initiate in the beginning. I would be too afraid that he really wasn’t that into me, I would feel desperate, I would wonder if he would think I’m a Jezebel, etc. etc. I could start out really hot for a guy, but if he was super passive and never initiated anything, I would turn ice cold.
You might want to consider a hormonal solution in the future, if you end up with an initiator and still go cold. I had a similar problem towards the end of my marriage, and tho’ it was mostly emotional I do believe there was a hormonal component. I went on BHRT, for other reasons, but I know I feel sexier than I did when I was married. (Kind of a bummer when I’m not in a relationship) It could be the BHRT, or it could be that I am out of my emotionally dead marriage.

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