I am the Président of a very important European country. Many Americans disparage my country by saying it is no longer great, but that is only because we were enlightened enough to relinquish our empire many years ago while you are even now expanding yours. Do not imagine that our influence has been diminished - if anything, we are more important than ever because thinking people recognize us as the conscience of the world.

However, my desire is not to impress you with my importance - that would be distasteful, non? I am writing about a much more urgent matter. I suppose even you have heard the ravings of that boor in Iran. The man has absolutely no savoire faire. Can you imagine in this day and age saying that another country should be wiped off the map - even if everyone does agree? That kind of talk went out in 1945. It is impolite.

And then he had the temerity to suggest that this same sh-tty little country be moved - to Europe! I cannot believe the effrontery of this man.

To make matters worse, they say he is building an atom bomb. So a madman with no manners will have the atom bomb! Completely objectionable! And he will have to test it somewhere. He could test it in Europe!Quelle catastrophe – our vineyards!

My friends at les Nations Unies are considering an attempt to convince him to abandon this project, but I can tell you right now what his answer will be: He will say he has no atom bomb, and that even if he were building one it would be irresponsible for him to stop now because he would already have invested so much time, money and effort - if he were building one, which he is not. He will lie. What else can he do?

I do hope that before it goes out of existence, that sh-tty little country will do something about this horrible threat to our civilization. If it doesn’t, I expect your cowboy will do so. Of course you understand we would do it ourselves except that we are having a slight problem with a very small portion of our population (perhaps you heard something about the burning cars – blown out of proportion, or course).

Alas, you do not care about saving French lives. If you did you could never boycott our wines.

Ma chère Sophie, they tell me your president listens to you. Please make him stop this madman.

Jacques

Dear Jacques,

I wonder where you got the idea that Americans are not concerned with saving French lives - we’ve always saved them in the past, a circumstance for which you can’t seem to muster the energy to grumble a simple merci. (And here I thought chutzpah had already been adequately defined.)

While I’m flattered by your suggestion that I might be able to convince the president of anything, let alone dropping the mother of all bombs, you should be careful what you ask for – a less indulgent Tante might try to convince him to make your country go away, just to show the rest of the world that the US means business, the party of Jimmuh Carter notwithstanding.

OK, let’s assume that your favorite tiny Middle East democracy does decide to bring about that which the Castrato Chorus at TurtleBay can’t accomplish with talk. One morning the world awakens to headlines describing twelve simultaneous, huge explosions in the Iranian desert. CNN reporters can’t get anywhere near the sites due to extremely high radiation levels. The UN is called into special session and sanctions are invoked against the only non-Moslem country in the Middle East because its statement lamenting the necessity for the deed is deemed insufficiently contrite. Next, a resolution proposed by France is passed, calling for the U.S. to pay for the clean-up of the entire region by French firms under contract to Kojo Annan. Later in the day the Loutish One appears in a fist-shaking interview on al-Jazeera screaming, “Wait ‘til next year.” The international professoriate speculates as to the essence of his subtext even as they organize a boycott of Israeli products, while President Bush’s favorable ratings plummet following 24/7 programming about leaked secret communications between Jenna Bush and the wife of an unnamed former ambassador.

Why doesn’t somebody do something!

As for the idea that your favorite nation would ever move to Europe, don’t give it a fleeting thought. Your sh-tty little country won’t have to accommodate any more Jews – you’ll always have plenty of room for the burqa and hijab crowd to expand.

If I were you, right now I’d be more concerned about kiss-and-tell from a certain talkative deposed dictator.

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