Interviewer: Today we have an exclusive. An interview with the universe - famous coach of the Kol-Kanta Kite Riders "Johnnie Pukanon" and the owner of the team known simply as "The Bad Shah". Also sitting nearby is the Kite Rider's associate coach Mr. Pukanon (Junior), the Kite Rider's assistant coach (Mr. Pukanon's friend), the associate assistant coach (Mr. Pukanon's cousin thrice removed ) and mm...this other gentleman here whose name I didn't quite catch.

Mr. Pukanon (coach) [turns towards interviewer]: Frankly, I have no idea as to who that guy is.

The Bad Shah: [Hushed whisper] What do you mean you do not know who that guy is? I have been paying him $500,000 for the last two seasons. I always thought he was someone from your side of the baraat.

Mr. P: [Ignoring the Bad Shah]: Yes so you have some questions. Please shoot.

Interviewer: So sir. The Kol-Kanta Kite Riders have been doing horribly in the league this year once again, even worse than they did last time. The fans are again upset. They are saying that with such an internationally renowned coach who uses the latest laptops and boasts of the most advanced cricketing strategies, how come every match the Kite Riders end up looking like novice schoolboys?

Mr. P:[evil smile]: First of all the fans need to understand that I am very very special. Unlike other coaches who use common sense and cricketing knowledge, I always go "lateral". For instance, rather than analyzing the playing styles of our opponents I have been looking at weather patterns and historical data. Who do you think was responsible for the Kite Riders only win so far, that is the one over the Queen's XI? It was me. Because of my masterful weather analysis I was able to perfectly guess when the rain would come, and thus was able to manipulate the Duckworth Lewis rule so as to win the match with minimum effort.

The Bad Shah: That's why I love this man. He is just so smart. You know everything he does is guided by this ancient Chinese philosopher General Tsao who wrote this book called "The Art of Making High-Fat Chicken". Though I have not read it (just like I never read my scripts) I hear it is a marvelous book with an amazing recipe for making a ham sandwich. And hamming - that's something I am the expert in.

Interviewer: So Mr. P if indeed you are playing the weather, how come you thought it would rain in the game against the Raju-sthan Royals and based on that assumption (proven false later) you chose to bat second even though the pitch dictated otherwise? Not so smart right?

Mr. P: There are limitations to my powers of course. If Bad Shah hires my neighbor (and also childhood friend) from Ostralia who does a mean rain-dance for $50,000 I think we can make sure this does not happen again.

The Bad Shah: Sure. Whatever you want.

Interviewer: But how can you justify the other tactical mistakes committed? Like not picking Ajantha Circus for the first few games instead preferring the Great Moses. Like sending iconic player The Dadu, who still despite his advanced age is still one of the best batsmen in the franchise, after the dodgy Dodge and the talentless Lakme Suckla in the batting order. Like selecting all-rounder-who-does-not-bowl SuchJoy Banjar, the barren, whose recent performance was so exceptional that even the franchise who came last the previous year would have no more of him. And if that was not enough again drafting in all-rounder-who-cannot-bat-or-bowl " The Loin" Ajit even after he gave 17 runs off 1 over in the last match he played. I think the fans deserve an explanation.

The Bad Shah [getting angry]: What ! Who are these fans? No first tell me who are these fans? Tell them to buy their own teams and run it as they wish. Aare yaar bahoot tashan hain. Bahoot passionate hain hum. What do they think about themselves?Look if you guys have any problems then suck on this. Yeah you heard me right. To quote a great man "Khayega kela?"

Mr. P [quietly]: There is no need to get agitated. Lesson number 43 of General Tsao. Keep poker face when clueless and pretend to be in control. I will answer your questions. Or at least a few.

Playing SuchJoy "Sab Banjar Hain Sab Banjar Hain" was a sign of pure genius. On my part of course. True he was discarded by the worst team last year. But have you seen this "worst team" play this year? They are rocking. So I decided to give Banjar a chance today because I was sure that everyone who was associated with the said "discharged" franchise would do well this year. Okay so he scored at a strike rate of 22.00 but then it could well have been 220.0--after all what's a decimal point here and there? As to the Loin. He bowled one over in the first game for 17 runs. In today's game he gave 14 runs. He is such a young man with such potential surely you notice the improvement!

The Bad Shah [even angrier]: I do not understand why we need to explain all this. Look here kaun kambhakt jeetne ke liye khelte hain. Aare hum baazigar hain. When we lose we win. Samjhe? We entertain. What's better than one clown? Two clowns. What's better than two? Three. Now do you understand the selection process? Aeeeeee..aeeee....Gagan Chopra...

Interviewer: Well coming back to the Dadu. Dadu, despite all the humiliation that has been heaped on him, has performed pretty well definitely better compared to the much-hyped MainKhullam. Yet to have his captaincy stripped away from him seems unfair. If the captaincy is going to be rotated as a matter of principle, should it not be taken away from underperforming MainKhullam and given to someone who is doing better?

Many have been saying that all this Dadu drama is a part of Kol-Kanta Kite Riders conscious decision to distance itself from the city so that it can move elsewhere, a move which has been hinted at by the dropping of the Kol-Kanta from the franchise name.

The Bad Shah [lips curling]: Aieeeeeee..I love Kol-Kanta. Even if I leave it, I will sing:

Yeh dil deewana, deewana hain yeh dil,

Maine Kol-Kanta ko chhoda , uske gali main dil ko toda

Phir bhi pocket main dhadakta hain yeh bill...

I am at heart a Kol-Kantan no matter where I go. After all both of us share the same penchant for hyper-drama. As to Dadu, he will always remain in my heart. Somewhat like my dead girl-friend in the movie "Khich Khich Hota Hain" who was always with me even though I get married to someone else. As to Dadu's losing the captaincy, choti choti deshon main aise baade baade baatein hote hi rahete hain. It's not a big deal , at least nothing as big as me not getting a FilmFart award.

Interviewer: So in essence you are saying that the Kite Riders do not want to win. They are just content with staying in the headlines.

The Bad Shah [getting back to good humor]: "Aap ne pe haskar jag ko hasaya, Ban ke tamasha mele main aaya." No honestly okay. Maybe it's time we won the game just to show them that we can do it. Mr. P, make some plans so that we win at least one more game.

Mr.P: Not a problem. Give me about $500,000 more. Get me a rain-dancer, a sports shrink, two fire-eating circus artists and a right-handed pace bowler who can wriggle his ears. To quote from that great movie Triplicate "Bebe, ab main tujhe dekhaonga ke tera babloo apne bheje se mannu ko kaise harata hai."