Turning my tragedy into hope

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summer as winter

I took a break. I didn’t mean to. The time just snuck up on me. After two years of spending many emotions tap-tapping them into words; I was empty, quiet, flat. School ended, summer really began in August, and after completing a guide for the book I powered down and switched off. Scott jumped out of planes, and the kids and I did summer.

While most people live for the season where sand, sun and swimming rule, I endure. It’s self-preservation season. Heat is hard on my skin, my legs. I become an observer, watching and waiting. I’m mom. Armed with towels and snacks. I savor summer in snapshots. A lime margarita in the afternoon. An evening bbq with friends. Ice cream cones. A day at Playland where my kids rode the rollercoaster for the first time and burst into thrill-seekers.

School is back on. The leaves, the air carry signs of fall and we will step into the rhythm of routine again. After dropping my kids off I returned home to this sorely neglected place that is my blog. I swear I saw dust fly as I logged in. I’ve missed everyone and I’m sorry I wasn’t around more. But, it hit me about a week ago that my summers come with a ring of melancholy. I wish it wasn’t there. I don’t want it to be there, but heartache reveals itself each year. I try my damndest to stay in the middle, far away from the ring, and not wallow. So. I’ve made it the season of kids and I enjoy them enjoying the summer.

Real posts coming soon. I swear.

swept up

Here are Annie and Benjamin. Back to school. (I was so ready for this)

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15 thoughts on “summer as winter”

I did the same thing too, without meaning too. i just, didn’t feel like i had words to write. i had life, experience and love…but those moments belonged in the present. in the living. they were beautiful and were much, they are apart of me now, but without words to encompass them. i sometimes wonder what our favorite authors would have done with the instantanious society of blogs and such. i love the community, i really really do… yet, for the art of “writing”, sometimes i feel like we need to live more without wondering how to extract the marrow of it before bedtime to hit the virutal rush hour of traffic. all my love to you, dear one. so sorry for the ring. i hope with each leave that falls you return more and more 🙂

Tara, you managed to say what I couldn’t articulate and you did it so well. So, so well. I needed to be present. “In the living.” Each time I attempted to blog my kids were there and I decided that’s how it should be, so I left it alone. Thank you for your words. I felt so guilty! And now I feel less so. Thank you, friend.
And this…” i love the community, i really really do… yet, for the art of “writing”, sometimes i feel like we need to live more without wondering how to extract the marrow of it before bedtime to hit the virutal rush hour of traffic.”…is exactly how I feel.

Yes, to what you said. Exactly that.
And Tara, too. What a beautiful comment.

I’m not equal to the task of responding to your post with such insight and eloquence.
So instead, let me simply say this:

“Welcome back” when you are here; and “You are missed” when you are not.

Of course I haven’t had your experiences; and yet the complexities of summer seem to steal my desire to put to words what I feel. Or at least to put my feelings into words other people might read and understand.

Julie, is it awful to say I’m glad I’m not the only one? With the ‘complexities of summer’ because it is, somehow, always complex. You being here makes me feel less alone, less fuzzy. Just less. In a good way. The best way.
And thank you, thank you for your kind words, your heartfelt words. I’m so glad we ‘met’. We will get there together. I know it.

Oh – I think summer is the weirdest season. So much pressure for TRIPS! FUN! MEMORIES! PHOTO OPS! But it’s just a few very hot months without the structure of school. So that makes sense to me – to devote the season to children. Give them all those trips, fun, memories and photos…so then they can have nicely raised bar to pressure them when they’re grown up.

I’m with you, Kate, and laughed when I read this. Summer is the weirdest season. While I’ve made it the season of kids, it’s partly because it has to be the season of kids. They’re always here, right? We have fun, but I can’t afford a lot of the fun that’s out there. So, we have local fun.
While many mothers I know aren’t ready and are sad, I’m practically jubilant at the return of school. Hurray for school!

I’ve missed you too!! Do you think it’s where we’re supposed to be? In the ‘flatness’? That maybe there’s something important about the quiet? Or do we fight to get to a higher place? I don’t know. So, I guess I’m staying put for a while.
I’ll come by again. Sooner this time. 🙂

This is a real blog post! And I am glad to hear from you.
I also truly know what you’re talking about… I have been on a downhill slide myself. Exhausted, drained, defeated even. Nothing to do with summer really (even though I do NOT enjoy the heat at all), but I am glad that September is here and school is back and hopefully good things will come my way soon…
September always feels more like a new beginning than New Year’s Day for me.
For the last few weeks I felt like “quitting” altogether – social media, writing, … but it seems to be slowly coming back, not quite there yet.
One thing is for sure, though – I was truly happy to see you pop up in my Twitter timeline 🙂

Kerstin, I have always felt that September was my new year. I love the anticipation of what the year will bring. Fall is my chance to start over. Good things will come your way. I believe it.
Please, don’t quit. I know how you feel (oh the social media of it all!) but we need you here. I so enjoy you.

Summers (as well as other seasons) often are filled with memories of fun times cut short by the return to school or the end of the season. I find Labor Day to be a harbinger of the winter to come (and I don’t like winter!) and it seems a lot more like the end of the year than December 31st to me. It is the end of the spurt of green life and growth… the first brown leaves … depress me as it indicates the cycle is over…

Want to point out something…. “This” post of yours… is a “real” post. 🙂

Yes, this!!
Tara, what an amazing comment. You captured it exactly.
I wan’t around here much this summer either. I was with my little boy, in his moments, in my head, but I wasn’t here.
But now as the crisp winds begin to blow again I feel my spirit re-kindle and my words seem to be finding their way back to me. For me, it is fall that brings back hard memories, but it is also fall that reminds me to find my words.
Also? Yay school! I was so very ready, too. 🙂

Heidi Cave

Author of Fancy Feet:

In 1998 Heidi Cave was an active young woman looking forward to all the possibilities life had to offer. That all changed when her car was struck by a reckless driver going more than 100km/hr (60 mph), which resulted in a fight for her life.

Heidi had a choice to make; was she going to be a victim -- or a survivor? read more