Denied
Son, the age of sail has been over for a long time. I hate to enable your move into an industry that will just fail your needs. Sending engineer drawings of buggy whips to you instead.

I wish I had three hula hoops.

S. L. Saboviec

02-01-2013, 03:34 AM

Granted. Genie is evil and has made them all interconnected, simply because she can.

I wish my cat didn't flip out near meal time.

Robbert

02-01-2013, 04:33 AM

Granted. Set a good example yourself.

I wish I would receive an invitation for a romantic weekend in Reykjavík.

Lady MacBeth

02-01-2013, 07:44 AM

Granted. Your invitation got delayed in the mail however. It was for last weekend. Now you've angered the love of your life and you're in trouble.

I wish Robbert hadn't angered the love of his life.

S. L. Saboviec

02-01-2013, 07:48 AM

Granted. Instead, he bored her and she ran away with the busboy because "he has pretty eyes."

I wish that I was an astronaut.

Reziac

02-01-2013, 08:57 AM

Granted. You are an astronaut. Shouldn't you have wished for a spacecraft too? That orbit doesn't look real stable.

I wish I had a starship. No, silly genie, a WORKING starship.

Liralen

02-01-2013, 09:48 AM

Granted. It is hijacked by Lord John Whorfin who insists on calling you "Monkey Boy."

I wish the attorney who keeps telling me he needs to talk to me about working for him would GET ON WITH IT and hire me for a decent salary!!!

Robbert

02-01-2013, 03:24 PM

Granted. You're hired for a decent salary. You GET ON WITH HIM really well and accept his proposal. A little later you're back to square one--earning peanuts again.

I wish I were vaccinated against whooping cough.

iLion

02-01-2013, 11:11 PM

Shazaam!! Done! Nurse Brutus is coming to your home in the morning to give you the newly developed 45 shot regimen. Sorry it stings so much and makes your arm, butt, and privates so difficult to use forever after - but it is still in beta. And you won't cough ever again. Probably.

I wish the calendar was 2 days of work and 5 days of weekend.

Liralen

02-01-2013, 11:14 PM

Granted. Wait until you see your paycheck.

I wish all physicians would take their Hippocratic Oath seriously.

JoBird

02-02-2013, 10:21 AM

Granted. All the ones who did not are now dead. Don't worry, there are still a couple of doctors left on the planet--somewhere.

I wish I knew everything.

Nymtoc

02-02-2013, 12:26 PM

Granted. But as soon as you do, your brain explodes. At least you die knowing what RIP means.

I wish people would remember the lessons of history and not keep making the same damn mistakes again and again.

Robbert

02-02-2013, 02:48 PM

Granted. There is peace on earth. After a day or two, people are getting bored and no longer care about history. Well, the moral of the story is that making mistakes is what makes the world go round.

I wish the Scandinavians were the chosen people to reform other nations' welfare system.

Reziac

02-02-2013, 08:41 PM

Granted. The Viking system now has all the world's welfare recipients in thrall.

Granted. Genie forcefully helped itself to that missing piece of confidence. Liralen is fuming. Order is restored.

I wish my knickers weren't pink.

Nymtoc

02-03-2013, 04:46 PM

Granted. They are lavender.

I wish extraterrestrials didn't all have big slanty eyes.

S. L. Saboviec

02-03-2013, 06:50 PM

Granted. Aliens no longer have eyes. From now on, anal probes on abductees are even more unpleasant than they were before.

I wish I knew how to speak French.

PorterStarrByrd

02-03-2013, 07:04 PM

Denied
Aliens cannot speak French though French are aliens (go figger)

I wish my head was carved into Mt Rushmore

Reziac

02-03-2013, 08:37 PM

Granted. You now sport Washington and Lincoln on each ear, and Jefferson and Roosevelt on your cheeks. Wasn't that a trifle painful??

I wish I had a monument on the moon.

Nymtoc

02-03-2013, 08:55 PM

Granted. Genie whisks you to the moon in a second. You deposit something (unspecified here) on its surface and cavort with joy. Alas, Genie has no way of tranporting you back to Earth again. You (and your pitiful deposit) become your own monument on the moon.

I wish the Super Bowl could take place without anybody going nuts.

Reziac

02-03-2013, 10:00 PM

Granted. They all go to Disneyland instead.

I wish the 49ers would win the Super Bowl (and that I'd get to watch it :( ).

Robbert

02-03-2013, 10:26 PM

Granted. Genie just called CBS headquarters. They will broadcast a censored version.

I wish the 49ers will display impeccable pitch manners.

Nymtoc

02-03-2013, 10:44 PM

Granted. All the players study Miss Manners before the game begins.

I wish Robbert knew something about American football. :poke:

PorterStarrByrd

02-03-2013, 11:08 PM

Denied
Any involvement of Europeans or British with a game so far superior to kick ball, sometimes called soccer, would cause them to try to take over. Our players would have to wear short pants and silly shirts and drink a lot of beer. None of that would help the game at all.

I wish there were tighter boarders (correct spelling) keeping out European sport fans.

Komnena

02-05-2013, 04:35 PM

Granted. No European sports fans are allowed into this country. The tourism industry suffers and everyone knows you're responsible. Cheers.

I wish I had a pink elephant.

PorterStarrByrd

02-05-2013, 05:30 PM

Granted
When you discover just how much goes in one end how much comes out the other you are going to have a hard time getting rid of it by hiding it among the other elephants in somebody's yard.

I wish peanuts were edible.

druid12000

02-05-2013, 06:07 PM

Granted. Genie assumes you mean the styrofoam packing peanuts...et voila! I have created a banquet for you and written down several recipes to get you started. Anything can be made palatable with the right sauce. Digestible is another matter entirely.

I wish hoop skirts would make a comeback.

PorterStarrByrd

02-05-2013, 06:14 PM

Denied.
with world population growth continuing, we would soon run out of room on the earth.

I wish bunny rabbits were easier to catch.

druid12000

02-05-2013, 07:58 PM

Granted. Genie has gone a step further and coated you in bunny rabbit lure (don't ask what it's made from). Now they'll just come to you. See, there's one now, and look another...wow, there sure are a lot of them, and they seem really intent, let me check the bottle of lure...oh my, mating... Sorry my friend, you are about experience something no other human being has experienced and I do not want to see this.

I wish I wasn't so tired.

Liralen

02-06-2013, 02:28 AM

Granted. However, the side effect is you're now as wired as if you'd been mainlining truck stop coffee -- the hypercaffeinated hi-octane stuff -- for three days.

I wish for all the people in my life to be serene and rational and good humored . . . and sane

JoBird

02-06-2013, 05:03 AM

Granted. Wait. Where'd you go? Oh, good grief. That's right. Now *you* can't be in your own life. Hmm. Okay, moving on.

I wish I had your powers, Genie.

Nymtoc

02-06-2013, 06:36 AM

Granted. But did you read the fine print in the contract? A new genie must spend 10,000 years in a bottle before he or she is permitted to emerge and grant wishes. Enjoy.

I wish I could finish this damned manuscript.

Liralen

02-06-2013, 07:21 AM

Granted. It's done. You didn't say anything about it being any good . . .

I wish carbs weren't so damned tempting . . .

Robbert

02-06-2013, 01:34 PM

Granted. From now on you can resist the temptation. No longer relying on carbohydrates though, will make you stick-thin.

I wish New Zealand wasn't that far away.

Nymtoc

02-06-2013, 02:39 PM

Granted. It has drifted northward and is now within 100 km of the British Isles. Its movement has completely disrupted the world's climate, which is changing at a disastrous rate, with temperatures soaring, and everyone blames this on you.

I wish people would stop obsessing about the private lives of others.

me-a-monsteR

02-06-2013, 03:35 PM

Granted. But we need a sacrifice: you must expose your private life to everyone here for the wish to take effect.

I wish I had an endless supply of toothpicks.

Robbert

02-06-2013, 05:06 PM

Denied. Start with the basics, for example, wishing for an endless supply of toothbrushes.

I wish stubbornness could be cured.

druid12000

02-06-2013, 06:42 PM

Granted. For this to work I need you to put on this blindfold...good, now take this homemade tail with the push pin...spin you around a couple of times. Now, if you do manage to pin the tail on the live donkey in your living room, and you survive the resulting kick, you will no longer be stubborn. Of course if you don't survive, that works as well :D

I wish pelicans weren't so ornery.

JoBird

02-06-2013, 06:56 PM

Granted. May they now be known as Lap-Pelicans.

I wish I could visit the moon.

Nymtoc

02-06-2013, 08:33 PM

Granted. You are there now. AWers heave a sigh of relief.

I wish that when I publish my novel New York City would give me a parade up Fifth Avenue, complete with bands and confetti.

S. L. Saboviec

02-06-2013, 09:22 PM

Granted. The publishing of your novel coincides with the Macy's Day parade and everyone smiles and assures you that it has nothing to do with Thanksgiving and everything to do with your novel being published. No, really. It's great.

I wish the TV show Angel hadn't ended so terribly.

druid12000

02-06-2013, 10:45 PM

Granted. The producers have decided to resurrect the show (so to speak), but only if Angel agrees to get back together with Buffy. They were meant to be together :e2kissy:

I wish people would just accept that we're all alone in the universe and stop wasting my time with alien babble.

(They made me say that...Help!)

Liralen

02-06-2013, 10:55 PM

Granted. Now people waste your time with babble about how awesomely important it is to be chosen by the Omniscient Being of Their Choice as the only *intelligent* species in existence in the entire universe -- and how you must now believe in their OBofC, obviously.

I wish I didn't have to keep up this awful family facade . . .

JoBird

02-06-2013, 10:58 PM

Granted. Your family is gone. You miss them now. Sigh. We never know what we have till it's gone, do we?

I wish that I had Jesse's girl. She's watching him with those eyes and she's loving him with that body of hers, I just know it.

Liralen

02-06-2013, 11:10 PM

Granted. You also have Jesse's STDs.

I wish wishes were real.

JoBird

02-06-2013, 11:14 PM

Granted. They are real. And in the spirit of fairness and equality all people get one wish. Uhm, let's see here, yes, it looks like you've just used yours up by making them real. Thank you. Next!

I wish I could be a kid again.

Liralen

02-06-2013, 11:25 PM

Granted. Enjoy perpetual pre-pubescence. Shame you didn't make this wish before you caught Jesse's STDs.

I wish I could use Mr. Peabody's Wayback Machine for one week

Robbert

02-07-2013, 04:09 PM

Granted. You go way back in time--or to be more precise--to the time you were conceived. Genie offers you to borrow the Machine for a bit longer, or do you fancy coming back to clean up the mess?

I wish gazumping would be outlawed.

PorterStarrByrd

02-07-2013, 04:16 PM

Granted
Now all outlaws gazump and all gazumpers are added to the post office wall art gallery.

I wish the wheels would go round and round.

druid12000

02-07-2013, 07:57 PM

Granted. Here is your new skateboard! Just hop on, a little push with your right leg, yup, there you go....oh yeah, those wheels are going round and round...probably shouldn't have tried a hill on your first outing *oh no, tip back, tip back...*.
-911 what is your emergency?
-um, this guy tried riding a skateboard down 'Suicide Hill' and he's stuck in someone's house.
-Do you mean they have him hostage, sir?
-No...have you seen the Looney Tunes cartoons where Wile E. Coyote gets body planted into a rock...kinda like that.

I wish Porter will make a speedy recovery.

CDSinex

02-07-2013, 11:57 PM

Unsure: The Genie wonders if by "recovery" you mean back to "normal" If so, why bother?

I wish knew the optimum time to put out onion sets.

druid12000

02-08-2013, 01:09 AM

Granted. Yesterday would have been great, actually it would have been the best possible time in probably the history of creation. Oh, sorry...maybe I can take you back in time, he he, it worked out so well last time :)

I wish good Kharma on all AWers.

PorterStarrByrd

02-08-2013, 01:25 AM

Denied
Silly boy 'Karma' is merely 'balance. If things are going well they will be replaced by bad stuff, which will set things up for a good something which ... no matter what you do, you point the poor sap you're wishing this on toward sadness. I won't be a part of your bi-polar torture of someone.

I wish I had a jumping bean

druid12000

02-08-2013, 01:36 AM

Granted. You have a jumping bean..............................um.............. .......why did you want the jumping bean?.....................................Whoa, look at the time, Genie's got places to go, people to f*ck with, have fun with your bean.........................y'know, I could make that bean do lots of stuff....just saying.................................Oh, for crissake, why just a f*cking bean???!!!!
*Genie weeps*

I wish people would be kinder to Genie.

Nymtoc

02-08-2013, 02:10 AM

Denied. Genie can take care of himself.

I wish people would make wishes that have a real chance of being granted, instead of pie-in-the-sky, space-adventure, magical-mystery type wishes.

Granted. Genie picked pale blue for the odd chance of being in a good mood. Blue whenever you're in a temper. And indigo blue for those moments when you're in a really foul mood.

I wish I had a barrow with front-wheel drive.

PorterStarrByrd

02-08-2013, 04:07 PM

Granted
I worked something out with the barrow genius, trading speed control and forward gear (whatever those are) for the front wheel drive thingy ... never was much good a mechanic myself.

I wish I had a better hamster. This one keeps dying.

JoBird

02-08-2013, 05:42 PM

Denied. If you have a hamster that keeps dying that means it has to keep coming back alive also. That's the best hamster in the world. In fact, Genie remembers that hamster. Genie is the one who granted the hamster's wish to "be immortal."

I wish I were immortal.

Liralen

02-08-2013, 06:41 PM

Granted. You forgot the part about never growing old though, or generating enough income to live comfortably . . . it's gonna be a long eternity.

I wish there was a pot of my favorite coffee magically ready for me whenever I wake up in the morning.

PorterStarrByrd

02-08-2013, 06:57 PM

Granted
but you for got to give me an adress so I just took a wild stab at it. Do live in Botswana?

I wish I knew how to play checkers.

Liralen

02-08-2013, 07:03 PM

Granted. It's your new obsession. Sadly, moose do not understand the game so you become the crazy old guy playing checkers with himself.

I wish I didn't feel quite so lazy this morning!

JoBird

02-08-2013, 07:07 PM

Granted. Here are some drugs. Don't thank me. The first batch is free.

I wish the radio would play my favorite song.

Liralen

02-08-2013, 07:16 PM

Denied. No. No Teletubbies Song. Nope.

I wish I had all the house repairs done.

PorterStarrByrd

02-08-2013, 08:06 PM

Denied
You are going to have to pick and choose the candidates and organized their campaigns by yourself. I don't turst politicians because they don't stay bought.

I wish the cow in my garage didn't smell so bad.

Robbert

02-08-2013, 08:20 PM

Granted. Devour! Oh, you live solo. Okay, invite your neighb–ah no, you don't have any. Or just leave the door open and the wolves will see to it.

I wish I knew how to give Porter a hard time.

Nymtoc

02-08-2013, 09:19 PM

Granted. He delights in coming on like a crazy old coot, so the way to give him a hard time is to treat him like a normal person. It will infuriate him.

With a monster blizzard approaching the East Coast, I wish I had a protective zone around me, so that I could go outside and do whatever I want without being affected by the weather.

PorterStarrByrd

02-08-2013, 09:28 PM

With a monster blizzard approaching the East Coast, I wish I had a protective zone around me, so that I could go outside and do whatever I want without being affected by the weather.

Granted
You'll find three fifths of that kind of protection on your front forch. Hope thay are you brand ( ol' Sawtooth)

I wish more pins would fall down when I bowl than when I sew.

JoBird

02-08-2013, 09:29 PM

Granted. All of your pins will now stick inside of you when you're sewing instead of falling down.

I wish I had one of those 3d printing things and that I could make ice cream with it!

PorterStarrByrd

02-08-2013, 09:31 PM

With a monster blizzard approaching the East Coast, I wish I had a protective zone around me, so that I could go outside and do whatever I want without being affected by the weather.

Granted
You'll find three fifths of that kind of protection on your front porch. Hope thay are you brand ( ol' Sawtooth)

I wish more pins would fall down when I bowl than when I sew.

PorterStarrByrd

02-08-2013, 09:38 PM

I wish I had one of those 3d printing things and that I could make ice cream with it!

Granted
Your ice cream tastes suspiciously like ink.

I wish I could identify what is on my porch right now.

Lady MacBeth

02-09-2013, 07:44 AM

Granted. As you live in Quebec, it is likely snow.

I wish people would discuss the weather so that it sounded more like nursery rhymes.

Liralen

02-09-2013, 08:20 AM

Granted.

There was a curmudgeon Canuck
Who lived in the blizzardy North
When asked, "does it suck
He replied . . .

Oh, wait. Nursery rhymes. You wanted nursery rhymes, not limericks.

I wish cold weather was done for the year.

druid12000

02-09-2013, 09:42 AM

Denied. It's sledding weather...YeeeeeeHaaaaaa!

I wish we could choose our families.

Nymtoc

02-09-2013, 10:32 AM

Granted. But you have only two choices: either the Corleone family or the Manson family.

I wish all the Bigfoot believers would either produce solid evidence or shut up.

druid12000

02-09-2013, 10:38 AM

Granted.
*crickets*
It's kind of soothing...
Hold the phone...get your camera...there! Did you get it?
*crickets*

I wish people would stop being so rude when walking by my sno-cone stand.

Liralen

02-09-2013, 08:28 PM

Granted, but you'll have to compromise. Try offering different flavors. Only serving yellow sno-cones . . . . What were you thinking?

I wish I didn't freeze up when having to climb a ladder.

Robbert

02-10-2013, 04:17 PM

Granted. Practice, practice, practice, and one day you'll climb down the ladder, "This was one small step for A woman, a giant leap for feminity."

Granted. It's just a short trip to the unemployment office once a month.

I wish the gutters on my house were self-cleaning . . . that ladder thing :(

Robbert

02-11-2013, 12:30 AM

Granted if you can spare a few quid. You'll need to buy eight level indicators and eight ventilators in the 3-5 KW range. Give Genie a shout once you've got the material.

I wish I could quit my job as Director of Public Obedience.

Lady MacBeth

02-11-2013, 06:39 AM

Granted. You are now Director of Public Disobedience. Genie can't wait to see how that goes.

I wish I had a personal chef to cook dinner for me.

JoBird

02-11-2013, 06:47 AM

Granted. Meet Olaf from Norway. His specialty is Lutefisk. Otherwise known as larvae-ridden cheese. Enjoy.

http://cdn-i.dmdentertainment.com/cracked/wong/lutefisk1.jpg

I wish I had an original idea or two in my head.

S. L. Saboviec

02-11-2013, 07:38 AM

Granted. The ideas are genius, in fact. Worth millions. Too bad Genie also jinxed you so that you can never tell a soul what they are.

I wish I'd bought a snowblower before winter started.

Robbert

02-11-2013, 02:57 PM

Neither granted nor denied. Note, you have another ten months and ten days to get your hands on a snowblower before winter starts.

I wish I could predict how the cookie will crumble.

druid12000

02-11-2013, 07:07 PM

Granted. I wonder if Letterman still does 'Stupid Human Tricks'?...

I wish the members of the State government would come down with an acute case of hemorrhoids.

PorterStarrByrd

02-11-2013, 07:13 PM

I wish the members of the State government would come down with an acute case of hemorrhoids.

DENIED !!!!
The Genie NEVER does mean things to people! For requesting such a wish, you will suffer from severe hiccups for the rest you life .. and frogs in your bed.

I wish my camp stove worked ... and my mule wouldn't snore.

Robbert

02-11-2013, 09:13 PM

Granted. Your mule stops snoring. Other than that, may Genie remind you not to wish for two things at a time! Your stove won't work. Happy camping!

I wish Porter's mule will snore all night.

CDSinex

02-12-2013, 02:41 AM

Denied: The Genie, not being a politician, just cannot reverse himself so quickly. That said, Porter's stove will snore all night. I hope that is OK with you.

I wish I had a personal assistant.

Reziac

02-12-2013, 03:17 AM

Denied! The genie doesn't want cookie crumbs in bed, thank you very much. From your assistant or anyone else. (Two wishes denied for the price of one, since the first one came in late.)

I wish I had a traditional Norwegian lutefisk dinner, with lots of butter.

Liralen

02-12-2013, 04:01 AM

Granted. No need to twist that one. Seems twisted enough already.

I wish I burned off calories like my little pitbull, Tallulah does!

Reziac

02-12-2013, 05:17 AM

Granted. You are now hyperthyroid.

I wish I knew why so many pitbulls are named Tallulah.

S. L. Saboviec

02-12-2013, 08:15 AM

Granted. No one will believe you when you try to tell them the truth.

I wish I was a good cook.

Liralen

02-12-2013, 09:13 AM

Granted. If you can read, you can cook. :)

I wish there was a Trader Joe's here.

Nymtoc

02-12-2013, 09:59 AM

Granted. Trader Joe Schlumpf has set up business near you. He trades old inner tubes, defective sewing machine parts, used carbon paper, punctured water wings and rusty nails for similar items from your collection.

I wish I could see the world from a woman's perspective for one day.

Liralen

02-12-2013, 10:05 AM

Granted. Oops. Your day starts with the onset of full-on PMS, complete with the kind of cramps that make you want to cut your guts out. Enjoy being a girl.

I wish that short in my car was fixed.

Robbert

02-12-2013, 03:02 PM

Granted. Since Genie is no expert on electrics, your car now sports a fibreglass body. Hope that solves your ground problem.

I wish all humans had the same skin colour.

S. L. Saboviec

02-12-2013, 07:30 PM

Granted. We're now all luminescent white. Thanks a lot, no one can go out in the sun for more than 5 minutes without getting a third degree burn, which fades within a week to the same brilliant white. At least we don't sparkle ...

I wish that my train was never late.

Nymtoc

02-12-2013, 08:22 PM

Granted. It has come to a permanent halt at your station and will never move again. Never early, never late.

I wish advertisers would stop making outlandish claims for their products.

PorterStarrByrd

02-12-2013, 08:25 PM

I wish advertisers would stop making outlandish claims for their products.

Denied
How would we know what they were selling without those?

I wish my head cheese wasn't molding.

CDSinex

02-12-2013, 09:44 PM

Granted: The Genie removes all of the mold figuring head cheese is gross enough as is. Unfortunately, mold removal is a zero sum undertaking. For something to be free of mold, something else must become moldy. On the bright side you won't have to dye your hair green for St. Patrick's Day.

I wish someone would make a fresh pot of coffee.

Nymtoc

02-12-2013, 09:55 PM

Granted. Someone just made a fresh pot of coffee in East Timor. It is 12,236 km from where you live, but they use the US dollar, so you shouldn't have any trouble getting a cup.

I wish I could buy an air mattress that never springs a leak.

Reziac

02-12-2013, 09:58 PM

Granted. Your new air mattress will never leak. As to your waterbed, tho....

I wish FEMA would recognise that my place on top of a hill in the middle of the desert is NOT in a flood zone!

Liralen

02-13-2013, 06:07 AM

Denied. You know that's not possible, even for 100 Genies and the Big Head Poobah Genie combined. FEMA is all powerful and all knowing. Because FEMA says so.

I wish I knew why unloading the dishwasher seems to be everyone's least favorite daily chore.

JoBird

02-13-2013, 06:18 AM

Granted. Because you live with a bunch of lazy bums.

I wish I could read minds.

Liralen

02-13-2013, 06:23 AM

Denied. The temptation to misuse it would be too great for you to resist; you would become a pariah.

I wish people would ask questions and look for real answers on their own.

S. L. Saboviec

02-13-2013, 06:24 AM

Granted. You now know that you feature prominently in the sex daydreams of the 350-pound Starbucks barista you say hi to every day, that your boss has a whipped cream / foot fetish, and that your mother gave up all of her dreams when she found out she was pregnant with you and never truly forgave you.

I wish for a beautiful diamond ring.

JoBird

02-13-2013, 06:59 AM

Denied. Genie has already granted many wishes to make people gullible, specifically so that the State of the Union goes over well.

Granted. Your car now gets 100 miles per gallon of peanut oil. Hope you enjoy fries.

I wish I could discover a rare painting at a garage sale, buy it for a dollar and sell it for millions.

S. L. Saboviec

02-13-2013, 07:53 AM

Granted. Genie informs you that you are now compelled to attend garage sales every weekend for the rest of your life. Once you find the rare painting and sell it, you will keel over from a heart attack just as the money enters your bank account. Enjoy.

I wish I could invent something that will become a necessity in every day life.

Robbert

02-13-2013, 02:35 PM

Granted. You invent Air In Bags™. It's not a necessity yet, but with your determination and expertise, it could well become a much sought-after commodity.

I wish I'll never run out of paper clips.

Nymtoc

02-13-2013, 02:43 PM

Granted. And congratulations! You are the grand prize winner in the Acme Corporation's drawing and will receive 10,000 paper clips a week for the rest of your life!

I wish I could control the world from my computer.

Liralen

02-13-2013, 06:01 PM

Denied. And stop asking for that, Sheldon.

I wish I could draw artistically.

S. L. Saboviec

02-13-2013, 06:48 PM

Granted. You've lost the ability to read to make up for your new skill.

I'm sorry you have no idea what this says, but ...

Robbert

02-13-2013, 10:18 PM

...you should always read the small print before you say anything.

I wish I'll always post in the right thread.

WriterWho

02-13-2013, 11:53 PM

Granted. You're now in surgery to correct your eyesight.

I wish it was summer.

S. L. Saboviec

02-14-2013, 12:23 AM

Granted, but that was an easy one. Global warming is already in effect. Just wait a couple centuries; nobody will want to vacation in the Caribbean!

I wish I owned a rum empire in the Caribbean.

Nymtoc

02-14-2013, 12:46 AM

Granted. And according to everyone who's had contact with it, it's a very rum deal.

I wish people wouldn't give me funny looks when I walk down the street.

WriterWho

02-14-2013, 02:12 AM

Granted. People don't see you. Or talk to you. Or know you exist.

I wish dinner was already made.

S. L. Saboviec

02-14-2013, 03:59 AM

Granted. A delicious and ethnic meal from South Africa, consisting of an impala hoof, mopani worm (extra squishy!), and sauteed warthog. Enjoy.

I wish I could read minds, but only on the train.

Liralen

02-14-2013, 09:22 AM

Granted. All of it, a miasma. The thoughts with the strongest emotions come through the clearest, over all the rest. You never forget any of it either. You dream about it. Nightmares. You'll never feel safe on the train again. Or much of anywhere else.

I wish people would stop throwing trash out of their cars.

Nymtoc

02-14-2013, 09:54 AM

Granted. They deliver it to your front yard.

I wish I were a bookie.

Robbert

02-14-2013, 03:11 PM

Granted. Genie got you in through the back door--you now work for William Hill. When it is discovered after a day or two that you know nothing about odds and probabilities, you're fired. And now listen, why don't you stay a bookworm!?

I wish at least ten percent of the population of the world would buy my next book.

Reziac

02-14-2013, 09:22 PM

Granted. Who knew some people were into being trampled by cows and stung by bees?? (I see Druid and I had the same thought.)

I wish there were no Africanized aka "killer" bees (says the person who used to work for a beekeeper). And that your next book was about how to do away with them, which all beekeepers would buy. In the land of milk and honey they're 50% of the population, right?

PorterStarrByrd

02-14-2013, 09:26 PM

Granted
I have sent a shipment of giant frogs. When they are done with bees, they'll probably start on children.

I wish my Valentine would come out of denial.

Nymtoc

02-14-2013, 09:39 PM

Granted. That moose you've been courting has finally decided to return your affections.

I wish I had no cares.

Liralen

02-14-2013, 11:33 PM

Granted. You've still got problems; you're in a state of total apathy.

I wish greed was completely eradicated.

druid12000

02-15-2013, 12:33 AM

Denied. By granting that wish Genie would be indulging your greed for greed to be eradicated, and one good turn does not bring in the sheaves...or, do not indulge unwisely or the fields will go fallow...f*ck it, Denied, because I can't think of any good sayings. So there. Genie is all powerful. And cantankerous when he wants :)

I wish Liralen would forgive Genie for being a douch-nozzle :)

Liralen

02-15-2013, 08:04 AM

Granted. That one was easy :) Working third shift will do that to you. Besides, Genie happens to know that Liralen somehow missed out on the whole redhead temper thing.

I wish I wasn't craving pizza (gluten free) :(

JoBird

02-15-2013, 08:54 AM

Granted. Unfortunately, pizza is craving you. I'm not sure what that means either. But it can't be good.

I wish I could think up a suitable pen name.

Reziac

02-15-2013, 09:17 AM

Granted. Your new name is Bic Parker.

I wish I had an endless supply of Bic Stics, blue, medium point. And no dried up ink, naughty genie!

Nymtoc

02-15-2013, 09:32 AM

Granted. But coming within a foot of Bic ink makes you break out in hives.

I wish I could climb Mount Everest.

Poetic_Justice

02-15-2013, 09:58 AM

G R A N T E D

But you died of hypothermia at the top. Sorry.

I wish I was asleep.

Nymtoc

02-15-2013, 10:21 AM

Gra.....

I wish I knew how to play the oboe.

Robbert

02-15-2013, 03:16 PM

Pending for your benefit. Genie first needs to have a word with your neighbours. You see, there's nothing worse than having an oboe stuffed down your throat.

I wish I could kick the habit of saying, "wtf!".

JoBird

02-15-2013, 03:47 PM

Granted. Your legs are now long enough to kick yourself in the mouth.

I wish I could sleep in all day.

Robbert

02-15-2013, 07:41 PM

Granted.

I wish ^ won't prove Genie wrong.

PorterStarrByrd

02-15-2013, 09:14 PM

Granted,
But if the little sucker does, it probably won't be noticed among all the other wrongs you collect

I wish I could get my hard boiled egg out of the shell without breaking the yolk.

Liralen

02-16-2013, 12:53 AM

Granted. With a little help from Martha. How to peel hard boiled eggs (http://video.pbs.org/video/2288881564/)

I wish I could spend a month each, learning cooking stuff from Martha Steward and Nigella Lawson and Carla Hall.

Robbert

02-16-2013, 02:40 PM

Granted. You now know how to cook. However, your new skill does not pass unnoticed with the bachelors in town. There is nothing you loathe more than being belittled and in due course you'll be your usual self again.

I wish nobody will notice that my account is overdrawn.

Liralen

02-16-2013, 11:44 PM

Denied. Sadly, much as Genie wishes it were so, Genie has no influence over bank officials. An entity must have a soul -- or something akin to one -- for Genie to be able to exert any influence.

It does . . . and continues to drop and at some point it starts to deposit money into people's bank account. I won't mention what happens to the economy which leads eventually to the earth crashing into the sun. (Always does) But for now, all of the gas has been depleted, and you're stuck at home. (Maybe that's a good thing.)

I wish we could have tiny human pets.

Robbert

02-22-2013, 10:17 PM

Happily granted. Due to a shortage of leashes and collars, though, many tiny ones manage to run off. They form their own republic and quickly succeed in making the ones still held as pets rebel against their owners (peeing on carpets and stuff).

I wish we could go back to the days of vigilantism.

CDSinex

02-22-2013, 11:56 PM

Granted: You now live in Florida.

I wish I had a flat screen TV on my wall.

NathanBrazil

02-23-2013, 06:08 AM

Granted. You now have 434" wide screen TV. (I have no idea) Now unable to pry yourself from your couch, you turn into a hapless shut in. You order a 1000 Squinkys, a Richard Simmon's bot that screams at you incessantly, and 3 (bath)tubs of rocky road ice cream. One of the unusual side effects is that all of your new found poundage is residing in your left butt cheek, unbalancing you, and making it very difficult to walk.

I wish I could have a pair of dem Google glasses.

Liralen

02-24-2013, 02:26 AM

Granted. You also get google-eyes to go with them. People mistake you for a Kewpie doll.

I'm hungry but I wish I could think of something I actually want to eat :(

JoBird

02-24-2013, 04:12 AM

Granted. You have just realized that you want to eat Italian White Alba Truffles. Just pull together about $160,000 and your appetite will be sated.

I wish I knew how to program computers.

Liralen

02-24-2013, 06:48 AM

Granted. You know how to program in Plankalkul . . .

I wish I had a cloak of invisibility

Reziac

02-24-2013, 07:34 AM

Granted. Your cloak is now invisible! Hope you remember where you hung it.

I wish to taste one of those expensive Italian White Alba Truffles.

Nymtoc

02-24-2013, 12:34 PM

Granted. You sneak into the kitchen of the Trattoria Monti, in Rome, and take a bite of the heavenly truffle. It is the best thing you ever tasted!

You are promptly arrested for trespassing, theft and destruction of property and are sentenced to five years in an Italian prison.

I wish I had a Tesla.

JoBird

02-24-2013, 02:25 PM

Granted. You are in luck! There's a little boy named Tesla in great need of being adopted.

I wish deer would stop trying to cross the road.

Robbert

02-24-2013, 02:51 PM

Granted. Since it's also in the interest of insurers to reduce damage caused by game animals, they've pooled their resources and selected you as traffic deer head coach.

I wish monkeys would stop picking their nose in public.

PorterStarrByrd

02-24-2013, 04:56 PM

By some strange circumstance (not to genie) Monkeys no longer pick their noses at all, while zoo keepers can't keep their fingers out of their nostril, except to lick them off. Monkeys shop for their own food.

I wish I had a platypus skeleton.

JoBird

02-24-2013, 05:09 PM

Uhm. Okay, granted. I'm not sure why you want a platypus skeleton, but you have one. Your skin and innards and whatnot remain the same. It's kinda hard to walk and move. Gosh, you really look downright freakish with that skeleton instead of a normal human skeleton. But oh well. A wish is a wish and I'm just a genie.

I wish I could do complicated math in my head instantly.

S. L. Saboviec

02-24-2013, 06:05 PM

Granted. Unfortunately, you've lost the ability to do simple math, so you never know what your grocery bill will be or how to estimate how long it takes to get somewhere, so you now have to carry around $500 and show up 2 hours early, just in case.

I wish to win the short story contest I'm about to enter.

Reziac

02-24-2013, 06:18 PM

Granted. It's a one-word short-short contest. Which word did you pick? TWO words?? Sorry, disqualified!!

I wish there really was such a contest.

Nymtoc

02-25-2013, 06:57 AM

Granted. You enter the contest with the F-word and are banned from further competition.

I wish I could awaken each morning to a robin's song.

Liralen

02-25-2013, 07:42 AM

Granted. The little bastard wakes you up half an hour earlier than necessary. Every. Frickin. Day.

I wish the mockingbirds would get smart and leave Kharma alone. She's caught and eaten quite a few already.

Komnena

02-26-2013, 04:46 AM

Granted. The mockingbirds leave Kharma alone. They stay safely on your car. Of course this means you have to wash the car every day.

I wish I had a limousine and driver for said limousine.

shakeysix

02-26-2013, 06:10 AM

You do! The limmo is a fancy stretch limmo and I myself will be your driver. I need the money. My grand daughter stepped on my eyeglasses and I need 600$ for a new pair. Fasten your seat belt.

I wish Miss Komnena would sit up front with me and help me with this big city driving.

Nymtoc

02-26-2013, 07:36 AM

Granted. And since neither of you has ever been on anything other than a two-lane country road, the whole thing is a disaster. The limo is totaled, but somehow no one is injured, and the two of you return to your little gray homes on the prairie. (I have a feeling I'm going to regret writing this post. :e2paperba )

I wish someone would send me on an all-expenses-paid trip to Paris.

Komnena

02-26-2013, 08:19 AM

Granted. You get a free trip to Paris, Kentucky where you get to see Secretariat's grave.
I wish people knew that Kentucky does have cities and interstate highways.

Nymtoc

02-26-2013, 08:51 AM

Granted. Three people in Indiana and one in Tennessee know that Kentucky has cities and interstate highways, but they never go there.

I wish the New York City subway fare did not keep rising.

Reziac

02-26-2013, 09:00 AM

Granted. The sea rises instead, and the subways are now all boatways. Since they are no longer subways, the fare goes back to rising.

I wish I'd find a farm I could afford to buy.

Liralen

02-26-2013, 09:57 AM

Granted. The main crops are rocks, brambles, thistles and buttercup. There are wild cherry trees and the few cows you can sort of maintain keep pulling down the branches, then eating the leaves which makes them have spontaneous abortions. About the time your chickens start to lay you discover that the yodeling you've been hearing at night is coyotes. You discover why farmers work two jobs.

I wish my house had bigger, more useful closets (for people who wore big dresses, the Victorians sure were stingy with the closet space).

me-a-monsteR

02-26-2013, 03:58 PM

Granted. And as a side-bonus the closets come filled with Victorians in big dresses. Kind of crowded in there, but nonetheless, useful to store Victorians big and small.

I wish I had a blue baloon.

alleycat

02-26-2013, 04:01 PM

Denied. This might not be a great day to be wishing for a balloon (re: see news from Egypt).

I wish potatoes were low in carbs.

NathanBrazil

02-26-2013, 07:36 PM

( Bad Genie. Bad. Denying such a simple wish like a balloon )
Potatoes now have double the carbs and the Djinn council will be visiting you soon.

I wish that time would forever be shifting forward and backward in two second increments. That way I could live out my life in an eternal, befuddled state.

PorterStarrByrd

02-26-2013, 07:45 PM

Granted
no need to get fancy with the time jiggly thing ...

I wish squirrels would SHUT UP

shakeysix

02-26-2013, 08:03 PM

Okay. I had all the squirrels in your area rounded up by the local animal pound. They were anesthetized, their vocal chords severed and then they were returned to the wild. I had the whole thing filmed and posted the film with your name and address on the internet, so people would understand that you acted humanely and not think you were a monster. Unfortunately the thing has gone viral. PETA has loaded up several busloads of protesters and they are headed to your house. With a news crew. Good luck and know that I acted on the most pure of motives.

I wish the gd squirrels would stop tipping my bird feeders.

Liralen

02-26-2013, 09:52 PM

Granted. They've learned the usage of tools and are now disassembling them with teeny tiny screwdrivers, wrenches and hammers. Why are you still sitting at the computer? Go get video!

I wish people were more like dogs. Yeah, I know, you're gonna twist it with leg humping, but if you think about it, there are a lot of human leg humpers out there -- they're just sneaky about it.

shakeysix

02-26-2013, 10:24 PM

true-- but i have never known a human to take a dump behind a decorated Christmas tree! on the other hand I have owned two entirely different dogs who shared that unpleasant habit. However, I digress.

Your wish is granted and it will not involve leg humping. People have become more like dogs. I suggest you get a really tall stand for your next Christmas tree.

I wish my tom cat would embrace celibacy without the expensive operation

PorterStarrByrd

02-26-2013, 10:40 PM

Granted
In replacement of his interest in she-cats he has become committed to creating the largest cat garage band in history. They will practice in your garage until they get it right or Earth runs out of beer.

I wish I hadn't stepped behind the Christmas tree.

Liralen

02-26-2013, 10:51 PM

Genie wishes you hadn't either . . . Now Genie has to wonder what you were doing behind the Christmas tree . . . Since Genie is Genie, though: GRANTED. Makes both of us happy.

I wish the weather would make up its mind -- Spring or Not Yet Spring!

CDSinex

02-26-2013, 11:55 PM

Granted: Although the Genie is quite disconcerted by your request that he assume the task of the lowly groundhog. That being the case, henceforth you will be a permanent resident of Punxsutawney Pennsylvania and every morning you wake-up it will be February 2nd. The Genie suggests you mosey over to the town square and find out when spring will start.

I wish the plum trees would start blooming.

Liralen

02-27-2013, 03:34 AM

Granted. However, it's too early for the bees, so they won't get pollinated and there won't be any plums. This is the kind of crap that happens when you push Mother Nature. Not Genie's fault.

I wish Genie could have a lovely, relaxing day off.

Reziac

02-27-2013, 03:58 AM

Granted. Back into the bottle with you!!

I wish I had a pair of magic bottles like the ones in Wizard War (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hugh_Cook_%28science_fiction_author%29).

NathanBrazil

02-27-2013, 05:29 AM

There was some foul up at the Djinn head quaters and you ended up with a Rubik's cube ( 64 by 64 ) Djinn container. You are immediately sucked in, leaving a trail of purple smoke, and the cube is given a vigorous shuffle.

I wish I owned a pair of Kangaroo Jumps or perhaps a Monowheel.

me-a-monsteR

02-27-2013, 03:46 PM

Denied. Genie has no idea what these items are and currently refuses to Google. There is a slight chance Genie could be bribed to grant this wish. Perhaps with a blue balloon...

I wish Porter didn't look like a certain battery, coz it confuses monsteR into indulging in misplaced fear and paranoia :scared:

Robbert

02-27-2013, 04:22 PM

Tough. Porter was ordered to get rid of his tasteless avatars so as to avoid fear and paranoia. The 'battery' looks like an ideal compromise.

I wish Patti Smith and Neil Young would join my band.

clee984

02-27-2013, 04:31 PM

Granted, but they're both only allowed to play the bagpipes.

I wish I owned a house in Paris.

Komnena

02-27-2013, 06:31 PM

Granted. You own a small house in Paris, Kentucky.

I wish I knew who the next pope will be.

Nymtoc

02-27-2013, 08:35 PM

Granted. You know, but if you breathe a word of it, a posse of men in red hats will descend upon your house, tie you up, lock you in the cellar, feed you bread and water and prevent you from speaking until a decision is announced at the proper time at the Vatican.

I wish Congress more closely represented the people of the United States instead of special interests.

Reziac

02-27-2013, 09:04 PM

Granted, cuz it required no effort. Half of Congress are welfare queens; the other half are liberal wackos.

I wish we'd go back to Thomas Jefferson's vision of government.

JoBird

02-27-2013, 09:39 PM

Granted, we just made the largest land purchase in the history of America. Oh, and something about slaves. You'll notice when you head outside today.

I wish I had x-ray vision, like Superman.

Liralen

02-28-2013, 03:30 AM

Denied. Genie knows you're a pervert.

I wish I hadn't eaten that last piece of homemade pizza before I'm off to the gym *facepalm*

JoBird

03-01-2013, 04:24 AM

Granted. That piece of pie you ate wasn't the last. Genie has generously left another whole pie waiting for you when you get back from the gym.

I wish everyone in the whole wide world thought just like me.

S. L. Saboviec

03-01-2013, 04:26 AM

Granted. Every time you go to the grocery store, seven billion people are in line in front of you.

I wish for love and peace across the land.

Liralen

03-01-2013, 04:35 AM

Denied. That would take a whole armada of Genies, working every moment of every hour of every day of every . . . well, you get the idea.

*sigh* I wish I didn't have to dig a diversionary path for the water to take rather than into my basement.

JoBird

03-01-2013, 04:44 AM

Granted. You don't *have* to. You can always just let the water run into your basement. Wow, that was an easy one.

I wish I had my very own TARDIS.

NathanBrazil

03-01-2013, 05:52 AM

You have been punished for not granting the wish. You get Dartis. That's the one where you are used as a human dartboard every 3rd Wednesday of the month.

I wish I didn't have to wish for something.

Liralen

03-01-2013, 06:03 AM

Granted. All you could ever wish for comes to you without effort, without even thought. You become jaded and apathetic. Ennui. You eat to allay the boredom.

I wish the furnace at my house was working properly :(

NathanBrazil

03-01-2013, 06:40 AM

It does and you are comfortably toasty throughout the rest of your days.

Hey! Something is wrong with my Evil Wishes Magic Eight Ball.

I wish someone would fix my Magic Eight Ball.

JoBird

03-01-2013, 06:57 AM

Granted. You are now a dick again.

I'm on to your tricks, Genie. You twist every wish I make. Well, not this time, buckaroo. I'm ready for you. I'm not going to wish for an end to world hunger. I'm going to wish for *more* world hunger. That way you'll twist it into something positive. So, I wish for *more* world hunger.

Nymtoc

03-01-2013, 09:29 AM

Granted. There is more world hunger--lots more. And it is all blamed on you. Hordes of people from around the world are marching on your house right now. You are holed up inside, quivering with fear as the mob moves relentlessly forward with torches and pitchforks, determined to bring about your doom!

http://i1213.photobucket.com/albums/cc465/muggo5/GENIE1.jpg
You can't outwit the Genie!

I wish I had a pet zebra that I could train and ride like a horse.

NathanBrazil

03-01-2013, 10:19 AM

Granted. You have been miniaturized to fit on the back of your miniature zebra. But you must now resort to using the doggy door to enter your house cuz the knobs are well beyond your reach.

I wish I could create tiny creatures that would carry out my evil deeds.

I wish someone would bring me coffee, fixed just right, in my favorite mug, while I'm still in bed, just waking up . . . (without spilling it, Genie)

druid12000

03-01-2013, 08:19 PM

Granted. In your semiconscious state it looks just like Channing Tatum, but once you rouse fully she is Momma, from 'Throw Momma From the Train'. And she's just as ornery. At least she didn't spill the coffee :D

I wish the gene pool was safe to swim in.

Robbert

03-01-2013, 09:52 PM

Granted. For the likes of you, it's safe. You can only gain.

I wish soya beans had less protein.

Nymtoc

03-01-2013, 10:10 PM

Granted. Soya beans have no protein at all. They are composed entirely of saturated fat.

I wish a rainbow would appear in the sky whenever I want to see one.

NathanBrazil

03-01-2013, 10:51 PM

Genie's on strike. You receive a pair of sunglasses, with hand-painted rainbows on each lens.

I wish I had a pair of headphones that would allow me to decipher chipmunk chatter.

PorterStarrByrd

03-01-2013, 11:01 PM

Granted
but you will never enjoy human poetry again

I wish I knew what milk tastes like.

druid12000

03-02-2013, 02:01 AM

Granted. Genie has brought every beast that produces milk for your whim. Now suck. Oh, this isn't going to be pretty....

I wish I could see into people's souls .

Liralen

03-02-2013, 03:11 AM

Granted. Sort of. Genie is merciful. Sort of. You'll be able to, for a limited time (talk about something that ain't pretty), after which you'll be left to wonder about everyone you encounter and will become a recluse. Your company of choice will be a herd of goats. You'll become known as Old Goat Guy.

I wish dishes were self-cleaning. The dogs do a pretty decent job, but still . . . ;)

NathanBrazil

03-02-2013, 03:31 AM

Granted. Your dishes all have tongues now. A little disturbing for guests but it does save a lot of time.

I wish I could rap like Missy Elliot.

PorterStarrByrd

03-02-2013, 03:43 AM

I wish I could rap like Missy Elliot.

Granted
but I am going to put this one on the back burner until a few weeks before Christmas, when you talent will be most needed,

I wish my skunk has better smelling breath or something.

NathanBrazil

03-02-2013, 03:57 AM

Genie doesn't like the "or something". Too much leeway. You have been placed in stasis until Genie can figure out what to do with you. In the meantime your skunk has finished your latest book, who happens to be a very fast typer, just not a very accurate one.

I wish I could port the negative affects of my next wish on to PorterStarrByrd.

Liralen

03-02-2013, 09:40 AM

Granted. They port to Porter, slip around and come back to you starboard.

I wish I could get this furniture moved (by myself) without re-injuring my knee. :(

druid12000

03-02-2013, 03:15 PM

Granted. Genie has bolstered your injured knee. It now performs like a bionic limb! Unfortunately, your other knee can't keep up and is subsequently injured....Genie could have moved that couch for you :)

I wish I could make withdrawls of gold from Fort Knox whenever I want with no repercussions.

Robbert

03-02-2013, 03:22 PM

Denied. Ever since you returned after your week's absence, your insatiable greed has been brought to Genie's attention. 'Nuff said.

I wish more people knew a thing or two about civil disobedience.

druid12000

03-02-2013, 03:50 PM

Granted. The riots that ensue due to this newfound knowledge are blamed on you and every policing force worldwide are hunting you like an animal.
Maybe you should have wished for a puppy. Just sayin'.

I wish healthcare was accessible to all at a reasonable price.

Reziac

03-02-2013, 06:38 PM

Granted. The insurance and middleman industry has been abolished.

I wish I had my 20 year old body back.

PorterStarrByrd

03-02-2013, 07:21 PM

I wish I had my 20 year old body back.

Denied
She has found someone, actually several someones, actually a whole lot of someones more interesting than you are. Many of them remember her name.