The conventional wisdom holds that the average scientist is a sweaty, heaving nerd in a lab coat — a sticky, awkward, bearded trekkie with oversized square glasses and a piece of an onion bagel lodged in his hair.

That’s true, but he’s also drunk and horny.

The proof is in the extraordinary lengths science will go to in order to

1) Prove that drinking is good for you

and

2) Check out the sexxy lay-dayys

Witness:

A team of Spanish researchers studied the habits of more than 15,000 men and 26,000 women and discovered that boozing — and I mean really BOOZING — is good for your heart. If you’re a man, that is. YAY MEN!

The researchers, led by the Basque Public Health Department, placed the participants into six categories – from never having drunk to drinking more than 90g of alcohol each day. This would be the equivalent of consuming about eight bottles of wine a week, or 28 pints of lager.

For those drinking little – less than a shot of vodka a day for instance – the risk was reduced by 35%. And for those who drank anything from three shots to more than 11 shots each day, the risk worked out an average of 50% less.

Using tape recorders hidden in their handbags, the researchers took note of what female clubbers were wearing and how many times they were approached by men asking them to dance.

For the purposes of the study, each arm accounted for 10 per cent of the body, each leg for 15 per cent and the torso for 50 per cent.

Women who revealed around 40 per cent of their skin attracted twice as many men as those who covered up.

The researchers did find, however, that exposing more than 40% reduced women’s chances of being mobbed by sweaty douchebags in nightclubs. The lesson — as always — is that science is staring at your ass. And drinking.