5 Ways to Get Your Boss Fired

Simple plans to get rid of your ass-face boss.

It’s a one of the most time-honored standoffs in the history of humankind — cobra v. mongoose, Sith v. Jedi, and employee v. boss.

The days of the “instant prank” to get your boss fired are over. What may work on “The Office,” or in some movie from the eighties, though hilarious, will most likely not work today. Realistically, it’s all about the long-con. In order to get your boss fired in today’s business setting, what you need to do is plant the seeds of dissent and make sure they have plenty of water and sunlight.

The key is to make others think that your boss is a weirdo/jerk/douche. This allows you to distance yourself from any backfiring. Then, it’s only a short matter of time before your boss’s boss gets wind of it.

Does your boss have a drinking problem? They do now.

Get yourself a couple of those airplane size bottles of booze. Hard stuff. Jäger, whiskey, vodka. A couple times a week, drop an empty booze bottle into your boss’s trashcan. Preferably, before you know they have meeting in their office.

Your boss is now a raving Nazi.

Now, believe it or not, Hate Groups are always actively pursuing new membership. This should be pretty simple. All you need to do is send a simple letter of inquiry to your local chapter of the American Nazi Party, the KKK, and/or just for fun — the NRA. Just remember to put your boss’s name and business address at the top of the inquiry letter. The minute a press packet with a swastika shows up at the front desk, your boss is a goner.

Did your boss try to molest you? It’s time to take one for the team.

This requires some good acting on your part. Remember it’s all about implanting the seed of dissent. Every time your boss’s name comes up in conversation, become visibly uncomfortable, avert your eyes, and excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. Before you return, splash some water on your face to give the appearance you’ve been crying. If anyone asks you if you’re okay, just reply, “I don’t want to talk about it.” The rumors will take care of the rest.

Your boss is now a serial killer.

This one’s pretty simple. Get your hands on some fake blood. Should be easy to find at any costume shop. Put a little bit on the inside of your palm. Then shake your bosses hand. Wash your hands immediately afterwards. The blood is on your bosses hands now. Feel free to bring it up amongst your coworkers.

Another good tip:Collect your toe and fingernails for a few weeks and put them in a small jar, then make sure that small jar makes its way to your boss’s desk. Then sit back and watch others take notice of his “trophies. ”

Also, a well-placed copy of Catcher in the Rye never hurt anyone.

Your boss is now a creeper.

Most smart phones allow you to download an app which allows you to call others, while making it look like your call is coming from someone else’s phone — basically the plot of the movie, Scream. Find your most attractive coworker and make sure he/she gets a phone call with a lot of heavy breathing around 3AM. Let your mind go wild with this one.