My name is Sally, and I’m emotionally autistic.

One of my friends likes to describe me as ‘emotionally autistic’*.

He’s joking (I think) but it would be fair to say that I’m a reasonably private person.

I’m opinionated, and I’ve never knowingly passed up an opportunity for heated debate, but when it comes to the warm, squishy complicated business of fears, feelings and so on, I’m much more likely to go home and throw crockery against the wall than to talk it out.

I might skirt around the edges, but I really don’t feel any desire to blog about the years spent in foster care, or how I felt when my husband cheated on me, or the day the dog peed on my brand new sofa (I’ll let you decide which was more traumatic). I’m not the blogger who is going to post about my fear of commitment, or falling out with that friend who turned out to be a crazy stalker lady.

It’s just that lately, I’ve been feeling a bit inadequate about my little blog.

In recent weeks, as we’ve been checking nominations for the MADs, I’ve read some amazingly powerful pieces of writing on blogs. Things that have inspired me, things that have moved me to tears, words that have illuminated the darkest corners of people’s lives and souls.

Every time I open Google Reader lately, someone else is putting some incredibly personal, painful experience into words. As Tara from Sticky Fingers commented somewhere yesterday, every week we’re learning more about these bloggers we love. I admire them, and I admire the talent that lets them portray their experiences so powerfully. It’s amazing. It really is. It’s just not me.

Part of me is just too Northern to post that sort of thing. Perhaps part of me is just too scared. And part of me thinks I haven’t really got it in me.

I don’t particularly have body issues. I’m not going to win any modelling contests any time soon but I tend to think if you have four working limbs, five working senses and a couple of brain cells on top of that, you should count yourself lucky. I’m not always happy, but I’m pretty sure I’ve never been touched by depression. My only chronic health issue is an allergy to feathers. Hardly rock and roll.

So while I read your amazing blogs and I love them all, I can’t help but feel that my post about not being able to put together a Transformer (and don’t think I didn’t spot Liz showing off in the comments there) looks a bit weedy in comparison. My blog is mostly about pirates and picnics with the odd bit of monkey porn thrown in for good measure.

Seriously, is it enough? How much does a blogger have to reveal to engage with their readers, do you think? (Just for the record, Karin, I’m not suggesting a stripping-themed Vlog It Challenge for next month) What are the things that make you feel like you have got to know more about a blogger? And where do you draw the line about what you do and don’t share? Does it change?

If it helps to increase my “revealing” credentials, I will tell you that I chatted to Flea’s head teacher today for five whole minutes and only as I walked out of school did I realise that I hadn’t fastened the top three buttons on my shirt this morning. Oops.

Sally is a full-time blogger and founder of the Tots100, Trips100, Foodies100 and HIBS100 communities, along with the MAD Blog Awards. She spends a bit too much time on the Internet. She’s also a very happy Mum to Flea, the world’s coolest ten year old.

74 Comments

Susie

22nd April 2010 / 3:49 pm

LOL-I say each to his/her own and what feels right for them.
I am a very open person-so I easily share personal stuff. But if you are not, then why should your personality be any different on your blog than it is in real life.
I find your posts entertaining and funny.
And if and when you have something emotional you want to share and get off your chest-am hoping you won’t think twice about doing it. It’s cathartic-very.
I also think that many people know how to read between the lines and learn things about you from things you don’t say as well.
🙂

I think there is a time and a place for things especially things that concern our past good or bad. I don’t write about my past to much because I know some family members do read my blog and I have a highly strung, bitter family and I can’t be arsed with them ringing or emailing to say “wow did that happen” or “I’m sorry” The past is exactly that.
I wish I could post a little more about my life however I am sure it could help someone. But just like real life I am choosy about who I tell things to.
When I read about you being adopted I immediately thought someone else has possibly had the same feelings as me, maybe not but you never know.

Honestly I think that if you write well it doesn’t matter a hoot what you write. Sometimes I read posts by bloggers (they know who they are) whose depth and skill takes my breath away. Sometimes I read posts by bloggers which make me laugh and laugh. Sometimes I read posts by bloggers which are so eloquent I wonder why I even bother. Sometimes I read posts by bloggers that make me angry. Sometimes I read posts that make me go ‘ahhh.’ And sometimes I read posts by bloggers that make me think ‘eh?’ We’re all different, innit.
I do think, though, there are some bloggers who may be trying a little too hard, who are revealing a little too much about themselves. If they feel better for writing it then great, or if it’s cathartic for them, fantastic. But for me personally, I sometimes feel a little uncomfortable if I’m seeing more of a blogger than their gynaecologist. But that’s just me.
You have written posts with astonishing depth, and you’ve also written posts that are funny. I don’t think you’ve written any that make me think ‘eh’ yet. Except for the Transformers one. JOKING.

Sal, you are down-to-earth, honest and have a very dry sense of humour. You entertain and create debate, as well as remind us of how important many mundane things are by making them fun and interesting. There’s as much power in what you don’t say, as what you do. Please don’t change anything! Flea would never forgive you.

I have come to the decision lately that trying to be open and emotional doesn’t work for me. When I write like that *I* feel like it comes off as contrived even if I am sincere. It isn’t who I am as a blogger. I much prefer to put a smile on someone’s face, then make them feel sorry for me.

Well, I’m an American. I’m an open book…mostly. I am insecure so I write about it. I need help so I write about it. I’m so proud that I could burst so I write about it. But I have no deep dark recesses needing to be aired. I just blog about my life, my wobbles and my immediate family. I too find some bloggers amazingly honest and emotional. I’m not like that but they take my breath away.
I do find too, in this “crazy world of mummy bloggers” there are some people who are writing to be noticed. They’re writing controversial things to stir the pot and draw traffic because they want more from their blog than just nice comments. But hey-ho, there’s nothing wrong with that. I just find it less than genuine.
I can guarantee you that next month’s Just Vlog It will not be a strip tease challenge…I’ll save that for the end of the year extravaganza! Thanks for the idea! And ps…I love your blog…you make me laugh and you make me hope that my daughter and I will have the kind of relationship that you and Flea have. There…I went all emotional on ya! 😉
Karin

I think (I hope) there’s room for everyone. i agree with Liz – there’s a whole range out there which is great.
I’m probably one of the ones that go too emotional – but that’s just me. It’s the way I am. I’ve been trying to rein it in a bit and go all happy happy tra la la with some nice little anecdotes but that’s as hard for me as emotion is for some people.
I’m trying to mix it up. I like anecdotes too – don’t get me wrong – and I think readers do too.
I’ve been self censoring a lot lately. I’ve written posts and my finger has hovered over the publish button and then thought twice. I’m not saying that just for a few more hits on my blog.

your blog will only be authentic (and therefore readable) if it is true to you – so ‘don’t go changing’ as hte song says. Your blog is so popular because it comes from the heart – its the ordinary of the every day you are able to make extraordinary. So don’t be intimidated, don’t be persuaded, and be yourself. It seems to be working so far!

I agree. I did write a post about my pregnancy which I thought would help other women going through that experience, but in the main, the past is the past, and I’m not a big believer in raking things over for the sake of it – only if I thought it would help me majorly, or someone else, perhaps.

You’re right – perhaps being genuine and authentic is more important than how much you reveal. I’m guessing (or at least I hope) that people who know me recognise me and my voice in this blog. I don’t censor myself in that way.

Thanks. I think it’s interesting this idea that you still feel you know a blogger even if they’re writing about the everyday – it’s more that you think the writer is being honest, would you say? I’d agree with that, I think.

I think the line changes on a daily basis. Sometimes I look back on my posts and wonder why I wrote them, that they are too personal and should be kept sacred, other times I think they are altogether too trivial. I often wonder what on earth I’m doing here and never really know where the next post is coming from. I enjoy your blog because it’s honest, it’s tells us a lot about you without being being unduly revelatory (for you) and it makes me laugh. Did you read Julia’s (JfB57) newbie post today? It crosses a little with this subject.
Px

I probably reveal too much. I know I do. But I don’t seem to be able to do anything other than be honest in that respect. I guess I wear my heart on my sleeve, I will write what I feel. I am so self-censoring in the rest of my life. I feel like I can be free on my blog, most of the time.
That being said there are things that are off limits. I don’t write about other people without their permission. I don’t write about my marriage in great detail, anything on that score needs to be respectful to my husband and we talk a lot about everything I write before I write it. I don’t write about aspects of my past that I know would make my loved ones uncomfortable. And I certainly wouldn’t write anything that might be read as hurtful to someone else.
I know some people probably read my blog and find my style too emotional. But at the same time others seems to connect with it and it means something to them. So I guess I’m doing ok.
And as for you lady, well I get to see your warm and squishy side occasionally so I know it’s there. Your blog is you and that’s why I love it x
So I guess I

I read a blog because I find it interesting or amusing or well written or because I can relate to the blogger, but we all have our own reasons for reading the blogs that we do. Just keep doing your thing and those readers that enjoy will stay tuned…I think your blog is thought provoking and touching and shows you as admirable woman and mother.

I think as someone has already said that there is room for all.It is easy to think there is a blue print but there isn’t. Some days the posts are really funny & other (like today) they are more emotional. We can’t have emotion all day every day. It’s about light & shade & you are part of that tapestry!

I think a blog should be whatever you want it to be. readers can tell if something is forced or not genuine. People read you because they relate to what you have to say and/or you make them smile/laugh/cry. I love reading your blog, so don’t change it 🙂

Ah but we’re all different, not only in what we write, but also in what we experience. I think it’s a little presumptious of people to conclude that some bloggers are ‘trying too hard’ to ‘reveal all’. Is that assessment based on what their own personal limits or experiences are? For me a blog that constantly swears, or one that constantly tries to sell me something is a huge turn off. I’m not one for baby blogs – I don’t have babies. I’m not one for blogs that constantly talk about parenting issues. That’s not for me. I’m obviously not the reader for those blogs.
You love what you do, your blog is authentic to you. Isn’t that all that’s required?

Sounds like we’re about to reach the age of the shock blog – more details than you can shake a stick at… and I apologise for the lady bits / laptop post, I was just trying to move on from the horror of having electronic gadgets stuck up my whatsit!

Surely the whole point of a blog is that it is a reflection of who you are. I’m open, and can be shameless when tiddly. But then I’m rarely tiddly while blogging, so I’m not so shameless on here. Plus I’m (perhaps over-) concerned with what you’ll all think of me, so I tend to self-censor the stuff that might make you not like me…. and then there’s the fact that people I know in “real” life read my blog. And I’m not sure I want to tell them about my lady-bits and laptop (or whatever….).

I probably overshare on my blog but I think thats because I find it far easier to write down what I think and what I feel than to thrash it out face-to-face.
Everyones different and has their own reasons for their blogs.]
Do what feels right for you
ps – i’m a massive fan

I feel that I know you as much as some of the bloggers that reveal lots (and make me sniffle) and I think doing that through humour is probably harder. I read different blogs for different reasons and they’re not really comparable. I know that the good ones are those that I go to as soon as a link is up for a new post but even they are really different. I wouldn’t want to read super serious and emotional stuff all the time. Having said that you’re good but we all know Flea is the mastermind behind it all.

@porridgebrain Sorry form IS weird. Hmm. I don’t think it’s a case of revealing “too much” is it?
It’s about doing what you’re comfortable with. For me, I know I skirt around emotional issues with humour. It’s what I do in real life, it’s what I do on the blog. That makes sense, and seems honest to me.
Other people are far more open in real life, and translate that to their blogs. Or maybe they aren’t, and their blogs are an outlet. I think it’s amazingly brave – I just hope that there’s room for all of us. sometimes I can read some of those posts and think, “Bloody Hell, what the fuck am I doing, pratting on about Transformers?”

Erm, okay, I don’t think the post is about what we don’t want to read. It’s about what I write – and do I feel my blog posts measure up to the emotional weight of some others, and does that matter?
I’m not talking about my experience of reading posts at all. I don’t particularly want to say what I do and don’t feel comfortable reading – as you say, it’s a personal judgement call and I wouldn’t want to make anyone feel criticised.
But as I said to Josie in a comment that appears to have disappeared (arse!) it’s not about saying someone like you, who does blog in quite an open, emotional way is sharing TOO much or trying TOO hard, it’s just expressing that feeling I sometimes have of, “Oh. And there’s me pratting on about Transformers. Great.” The contrast seems particularly marked because of all the blogs I’ve been reading with the MADs, I guess.

I’m similar – but I keep a diary. I’m very nervous of what I post online that’s personal – of course, having a stalker is probably part of that *Sally waves to her stalker* but I’m quite private anyway, so perhaps I’d be like this anyway.
ps – your blog is great too.

Yes, I think you’re right – being genuine is the most important thing. In fact the only blogs I DON’T read EVER are the ones that are overly mannered, that assume some persona for satirical or whatever reasons. It just grates with me – what’s the point?

Look, I’m sorry about the bloomin’ Transformers. I thought it was good blog fodder anyway. That post made me laugh, a lot. I also cried when you wrote (a little while ago) about your dream. So, you see, you can elicit an emotional response. You also get loads of readers who clearly like what you write, even if it is about picnics. Mmm picnics.
I only reveal what I feel like sharing and I’m always fully aware that my blog is public. I’ve just written a weepy post, next time I’ll attempt some comedy, mix it up a little. As you always say your blog, your rules. I’m prattling now. I’ll shut up x

Write what you want innit.
There’s lots of things about myself that I don’t reveal on my blog. Perhaps my boundaries will shift as I go along, perhaps they won’t. Either is o.k. It feels a bit like any relationship really – as I get to know my readers better – perhaps I’ll feel happier revealing more. Except it doesn’t really work like that does it because theoretically anyone can read your blog…
For what it’s worth I think your blog is really accomplished. What always comes through very strongly for me is the obviously deep and loving bond that you have with your daughter. You write about her so affectionately and it’s lovely without ever being too much you know?

I think you should only share what you feel comfortable with, but when people share painful experiences, it makes me feel somehow closer to them, more connected to another writer who has been through bad stuff, too. (As pretty much everyone has.) And when I’ve written about my own difficulties, the sense of connection from reader responses has been so rewarding and made me feel far less alone – though it’s often been scary to press “publish”.
And I’m Northern and everything! 🙂 Though I have had a lot of therapy, which makes blabbing about personal stuff seem like a more normal thing to do, and means I’m almost always “in touch” with my emotions. For better or worse.
Having said that, I feel much, MUCH more comfortable writing about things than talking about them and sometimes write about things I would hate to talk about.
You’ve done a great job of building a popular and funny blog which reflects your personality (including how comfortable you are/not with sharing personal stuff) and that’s your niche. I think being consistent and true to your own style is the important thing.

you write what you write – some blogs are deep and meaningful, some blogs are mostly amusing, some blogs are just photos, some are just life and they are all okay – its okay for your blog to be whatever it is because it is yours and from the sound of it it would not be yours if you were weeping and wailing and gnashing teeth…I like your blog just how it is 🙂

“…too Northern” – made me laugh.
I’ve shared some very intimate stuff on my blog. It felt fine, while I was on a different continent to most of my readers, and totally anonymous locally. But now I’m going to CyberMummy, it begins to feel very different. And I think it will change my blog forever. I found a huge safety in being anonymous. Even when I got to “know” other bloggers, it was all by email. Once I’ve put faces to the names, and have had real life conversations, I sense I won’t be able to write in quite the same way any more. I’m looking forward to meeting these friends in reality, but Cyber Mummy represents a loss as well as a gain to me.
Ooh, that was a bit too honest and open, so I’ll press “post” quickly, and click away to another blog. And by the way, I think you DO reveal deep stuff about yourself. You just do it in a different way to the splurging cheaper-than-therapy way that lots of us adopt.

I enjoy good writing, and that’s why I look forward to your posts. I love their light-hearted feel, and the fact that I get an insight into Flea’s world – I think you tell a story brilliantly.
There are a lot of amazingly powerful and emotional posts out there, and sometimes I wish I could deliver that too. But I’m far too self-conscious to reveal too much, and a lot of people I know (including in-laws and colleagues) read my blog, so I feel constrained by that.
If I had to read emotionally-challenging posts all day I think I’d go crazy, so I’m glad that there are plenty of bloggers out there who each offer something different.

Yes, I think you’re right – I’m always aware anyone can read this blog – clients, exes, relatives, potential clients. So there certainly ARE boundaries. I don’t particularly want to be sitting in a meeting negotiating rates and thinking, “Gosh, I wonder if that man has read the post I wrote this week about sex toys.”

Diane
As a long-time fan of your writing (although I was only thinking this morning that you’re insane because wasn’t it you who said Angela Chase would have married Brian? Anyway, I digress) I do know what you mean.
I think if you’ve been through experience X and you write about it, then knowing other people understand that experience or share it can be a very powerful thing. And writing is great because many of us do feel more comfortable typing about difficult things than we ever would talking to someone face to face.
For me, though, I’m not able to completely cast off inhibitions in any setting, real or virtual. I think that’s the word I’m looking for – inhibited. I’m always second guessing what I write, and editing and removing things which I feel expose too much of what I feel about something or someone. I’m a careful writer, always have been – but as you say, that reflects my personality.

I love your bloggy and I think you are very open and sincere. Just take a look at any one of your posts! You are funny and honest about the things you want to talk about. Everyone has their own skeletons in the closet that they don’t want to discuss. Even me, though I do like to let it all hang out most of the time, cuz I’m kind of a slob like that. You are awesomeness!! And don’t ever forget it.

Thank goodness, I didn’t worry when I first started blogging, then as I looked around I thought “Oh no, this isn’t deep enough, or emotional enough”.
So I wrote 1 short piece on the loss of my husband, but even that sounded positive. Now I stick to politics and day to day stuff – and now I can do it guilt free!
Thanks!

Blimey, never realised I was emotionally autistic but you could have been describing me in your post.
I just can’t write really personal stuff. I’m a really private person and the thought that this stuff will be out there forever is just….ugh. I also think there’s enough misery out there and people visiting my blog don’t need my woes added.
The one slightly personal post I wrote, that I almost deleted, got the most comments. Everyone shared.
My blog is mostly a gardening one so doesn’t fit the more personal kind of style. Which is one of the reasons it’s a mostly gardening one.
Your blog don’t lack anything just for having posts like transformer toys that you can’t do. People are different and need to read different things. We need lots of different colours and all the shades in between.

To be totally honest. I’m not big on overly emotional pieces – reading or writing them. I’ve blogged about some very intimate things (usually crude) but I try to be lighthearted. I’m rarely moved to tears by things I read on the web but maybe that’s because I avoid the mushy stuff.
Fear not, I met an ’emotionally autistic’ armed robber a few weeks ago. I found her fascinating…..

Must be the Northern in me because I know exactly what you mean. I too have a hard time writing those raw, emotional tales of my life, but really do admire those that can do it.
Also, abolsutely love and agree with what Liz said.
PS I really enjoy your blog and don’t think you need to change a thing. =)

This is an interesting point. I wonder about it a lot myself. I started my blog because I wanted to do more with my writing and include my love for baking. I hadn’t really intended to write about myself. However, as my blog has evolved and I have gotten to know other bloggers in the community, I am writing more and more about me. So I find my blog changing from what I had originally intended. Now I am stuck because I have made it public to family. There are things I can’t write about knowing they might read it. I am talking parents & siblings. So not sure how to deal with that one. Having not really attempted anything “heavy” I can’t say whether I am capable or it or not. I do love reading the more heartfelt posts people put up. Some bloggers are so open and honest. It’s inspiring. I was talking to a friend about this issue the other day and jokinly said “do dildo’s and cake making go?” A wooden spoon in one hand…anyway you get the point!! I have enjoyed Tara Cain’s gallery as that has provided me with a day off from the baking. So to answer your question…..

CJ
I don’t personally think it’s that blogging has changed or become more competitive – it’s just become bigger. As that community grows, there will still be people happy to blog because it’s a personal outlet, and there will be people who want to blog to an audience. Some of those people may feel more secure blogging to a small, very intimate audience, while others want to blog to a wider audience.
To me, it’s natural that those with the third perspective will be interested in publicising their blogs, and attracting more comments, or links. I don’t think it’s a bad thing – it’s just someone who blogs in a different way to that private diarists or the person who wants a community around their blog.
I also find sometimes blogging comes and goes in waves. I’m also finding that as the weather improves, my readership is going down – people have better things to do! But great blogs, like yours, will always retain a solid readership. I must admit, I don’t have time to always comment on every blog I read but I am reading your blog, and I loved, loved the lambing posts, and the post about your husband and how you knew he was the one.
So I think your blog is a great example of how you don’t have to describe things in anatomical detail for them to be powerful or moving.

I think it’s a bit like this – some people find it harder to “share” and I’m like that. I am totally rubbish at sharing my feelings! When reading blogs by people who are really good at it, I cringe – although I am secretly impressed, moved and awe struck! I cringe because I couldn’t do it myself.
Anyhow, I love your blog. And you are sharing. Just because the emotion isn’t obvious doesn’t mean we’re not all reading between the lines. lol!

Late reply, but I’m just catching up. I’m even more northern than you, coming from Scotland. I edit all the time, because like you I’ve got reasons to be guarded online. Also I’m very aware that whatever we put out there is out there forever. That’s why I use LiveJournal.