Why We're So Hard On Ourselves

Since affirmations are designed to replace the negative self-talk most of us use, the question naturally arises: How come we're so negative in the first place?

A 1988 book by John-Roger and Peter McWilliams, You Can't Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought (Prelude Press, $15) gives one of the best answers to this question.

''As an infant, we get unconditional, almost never-ending praise,'' the authors write. ''Goo-goo ga-ga. Once we grow a little and begin exploring our world, our primary form of interaction with adults - the symbols of power, love, authority and life itself - is usually corrective. Don't do this. Don't do that.''

As we grow up, the authors say, we unconsciously start to add up all the times we're called ''wonderful'' and all the times we're called ''bad.''

''The bad seems to outnumber the wonderful by a significant margin'' and eventually we may become convinced we are essentially bad, unworthy.

Before the quit-blaming-parents crowd goes ballistic, let's put this in perspective. The authors aren't saying that bad parenting makes for negative self-talk; they're saying that normal, corrective parenting typically is interpreted by child-size brains as a good vs. bad scenario. After all, we were only kids.

The authors say we may grow to believe that we're just basically unworthy, ''and from this fertile ground springs our negative thoughts.''

''Sure, we have a lot of positive thoughts, but the negative ones tend to be more believed. A positive thought, checked against this belief of unworthiness, is labeled ''False.'' A negative thought feels right at home. The unworthiness proclaims it true, accurate, right.''