Sunday, December 6, 2009

Two years ago today...

Wow, it's hard to believe that two years ago today Brett and I learned of the loss of our first babies...identical twins. I had no idea that I had miscarried, and we learned when we went for a "routine" ultra sound to see the babies...only to be told "I'm so sorry, I don't know how to tell you this..."
Those words as loud today as they did that day in the office. And then walking out the office knowing we had lost our babies. Something I never imagined would happen.
It's hard to lose a child at ANY time of year, but when it's Christmas...something about that just really hurts. Watching people full of joy and cheer and you know you are walking around with this smile but huge scars inside. I've become so much more sensitive to others wondering how many other people walk around with that same pleasant "hiding" smile.
That loss was the hardest day of my life. Then to have to drive to the hospital a few days later for my D&C...when we left that evening I felt like I had left my soul in that hospital. And the many months to follow were a battle to find myself again. Thank heavens for a wonderful husband and family. Those friends who stuck by me were angels too, and I am grateful for those who continue to remember our first babies with us.
I thought that Zac and Evan were "redemption" for this loss in some strange way. No, of course their lives never replaced the lives of our first children. But I was certain that because of such a painful loss we would not be put through something like that again. And then week 23 brought the fear and questions. I am so very grateful for the three days we had with Zac. With memories together. Touching him, smelling him, loving him, and watching him look at us with his precious little searching eyes.
This year has been difficult. This Christmas continues to feel difficult. And I struggle with making this a special year for our precious gift Evan while struggling through the sadness of our losses.
Yesterday Brett and I went and bought a REAL christmas tree. I just couldn't face our artificial tree...not after all that it reminds me of. And we had such a good time picking out the tree and getting it set up. I've yet to decorate it, but boy, my house smells good. And now I think I want to do this every year!
I was remembering back to when I was a kid and my parents would "drag" us to however many tree lots before purchasing a tree...and I remember being so cold and wanting to go home so bad. But you know what...after yesterday...I cherish that special memory!!!!!! And now I want to carry that on with our son! Thank you mom and dad for leaving us with so many precious memories...even though at the time we thought it was just "horrible". hee hee hee hee.
We are off to a memorial candle light service this afternoon being put on by Mourning Glory. They did Zac's funeral arrangements. It is going to be tough...but once I realized the date of today...I knew I couldn't turn down the invitation. It's just nice to have a place to go where we not only remember our children, but a place where we can celebrate our children too. I may not have the house full of children I dreamed of here on earth...but I sure do in heaven!!!!

About Me

After 10 years of unexplained infertility and after our 1st IVF and then loss of our first babies - a triplet prior to 6 weeks and then our identical twins days before 12 weeks (Dec. 6 '07)...round 2 of IVF blessed us with fraternal twin boys - Zac Michael and Evan Brett. After delivering the boys at 28 weeks 1 day (March 6, 2009 - Zac 2lb 5ou and Evan 2lb 9ou), and three days after their birth, Zac went home to heaven to be with his brothers (March 9, 2009). 66 days in NICU and 2 weeks before my actual due date...our precious son Evan came home weighing just under 5lbs! Our story and journey from the beginning can be read here.