8/24/12 6:17am

THIS ISN'T A POEM JUST SOMETHING ON MY MIND THOUGHT ID SHARE.

I wish there were something I could say or do to remedy the feelings I have inside. Ive allowed myself to become so afraid of failure that id rather be lazy and deal with people's harsh words than to try and fail. At least them saying cruel things to me have a reason this way ya know? I see so many things in the world that others don't see. Ive said time and again that others don't take the time to see me. I cant fully blame them anymore. Ive just gotten so used to the way things are that I leave no room for surprises I guess. Id like to think that people love me and care about me enough to surprise me or learn things about me, but the truth is that everyone has so much going on in their own lives they just cant allow themselves to get wrapped up with my non life. There are so many things Id like to say but who would care? You may read these words and it evokes some emotion but then what, where do we go from there. No where. That's where. Are you going to call me on the phone? Come by and see if I'm home? No. Because you either don't care or assume that Ill always be there. Its a shame the things people put so much time into in contrast to the things they take for granted. I am one of those people. I'm guilty...and I guess I am worse off than you because my eyes are wide open. I fit in well with the masses but the truth is I am pretty unique. Ive yet to meet another person like me. I'm not saying I'm so self involved simply that I'm self aware. I'm aware of what you think....I'm aware of what you don't consider. I don't share myself with others anymore because...well because who honestly gives a shit? We all have things, experiences, emotions because we are all human. We can say that our past is worse than someone elses but who are you to judge that? The feeling of pain is still there. The damage is still there....you don't feel it because you weren't there. You aren't them. I may share similarities with people that allows me to relate but no matter what they say or what I do...there isn't another me out there. You want to know how I know that. It has nothing to do with biology. Its the simple fact that there is not another soul who can listen to me talk or watch my actions and agree with everything that I say or do. If I raise my arm right now there isn't another person out there raising theirs in the exact same way or for the exact reason I am. So there isn't another me out there. I sit and I hope...and I sit at I wish....but reality sits with me. Its what keeps me breathing. Its what keeps my fingers running across this keyboard. I wish I could go to therapy sometime...or find something to occupy my time that would take away the dis-function in my head...within myself. I say dis-function because there is a constant tug of war in my mind. I keep my head held high like everything is fine...but who do I do it for if no one is looking and I know the truth of it all? I cry sometimes and lately I cant say for sure if its from happiness or sadness. I watch allot of movies. I can take moments from each one and patch them together into my life story....some of the pieces are still missing. When I find one I cry I guess because its bittersweet. I'm happy to have found another piece and sad reliving the memory. I wanna be a writer....but there's so many rules and guidelines....everything is about money but I know people find me interesting. And I want to share with you but I'm moody...I don't always want to have to meet your eyes....or feel you when you study me. Maybe I want to let it go like ashes in the wind....let all of this be carried as far as it goes. Not saying it will go any farther than its starting point....but I want to give it the chance....as if it has feelings...now I'm personifying my thoughts...as if each one has its own life ha ha. Wow. Its things like that...the realizations I make as I ramble that make me laugh...in that short chuckle is happiness and then its back to reality. People often say you must choose to be happy. How can you choose something you don't fully understand. Everything comes with a warning. These warnings aren't necessarily to frighten you but to prepare you and open you up to possibilities.Happiness has its own warning label...I think it reads "Warning: Don't forget there is a wide range of emotions that humans are equipped with and happiness is more often than not short lived". I want to be happy but I'm comfortable with reality and the fact that nothing is predictable.