Kris Humphries’ New Wife Is Very Popular

In case you weren’t aware, New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries married Kim Kardashian over the weekend, in a wedding ceremony that reportedly cost close to $18 million. Of course they didn’t pay for any of it themselves, because E! wants to be able to call everything they paid for an exclusive and that RU486 advertising money has to go somewhere. In all, I wish just one of the helicopters flying overhead had been loaded with napalm.

As The Superficial points out, it’s pretty bad that an $18 million wedding didn’t include first class airfare for the groom’s parents. Mom and Pop Humphries, as well as Kris’ sister Kaela, flew coach from Minnesota to attend the lavish wedding, and while I can’t prove it at all, I’m going to assume that Khloe Kardashian spent $1 million on a private jet to take her from the couch to the car.

But the biggest news from the weekend had nothing to do with the wedding. Instead, it’s all about how Kim became famous in the first place – porn. The website that hosts Kim’s infamous amateur sex tape experienced quite a boost in traffic.

TMZ has learned … roughly 2 MILLION people visited KimKsuperstar.com between Friday and Sunday night … a HUGE boost from the average weekend traffic.

In fact, the site only averages 300k unique visitors PER MONTH — so it seems all the fanfare from the wedding led to some serious handfare across the planet. (Via TMZ)

Handfare! BOOSH! Good one TMZ and your RANDOM CAPITAL letters.

It’s great that the sex tape still draws a lot of traffic, because it will be important for Kim’s and Kris’ child to one day understand where mommy’s fame came from. You know, after they explain why the mean people from E! came and took everything away and how mommy’s lawyer wants more of daddy’s NBA veteran’s minimum contract and Rent-A-Center ad revenue.

HILARIOUS UPDATE: Ray J, the gentleman whom the new Mrs. Humphries let flop around on top of her for fame, apparently texted Kim on her wedding day. The text? According to Radar: “And to think you really have me to thank for all this ;-)” God, I love disasters.

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I’m going to speak some vulgar truths here — the Kim Kardashian sex tape was filmed at the peak of her obscurity and hotness, but is completely ruined by her going OH BABY I’M GONNA CUM I’M GONNA CUMMMM every twenty seconds. You are such a fucking liar, Kim Kardashian, Ray J is dog humping you and trying to lick off your chin, you did not have 40 orgasms in the last 20 minutes.

By: Kris Humphries

08.23.2011 @ 2:49 PM

Wait, Kim’s not a virgin???

By: Brutus Ballsack

08.23.2011 @ 3:04 PM

So, Brandon, you seem like an expert at recognizing a fake orgasm, personal experience?