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Dear Carolyn: I was in a relationship that ended (mostly mutually) almost a year ago. She took
me for granted, and I became a version of myself that I really hated (a doormat).

I moved away not long after the breakup, and we haven’t seen each other but are still in
contact. I still care about her but have no interest in dramatic history repeating itself.

The problem is, she is troubled — childhood trauma, personality disorders — and leans on me
every time something bad happens.

She lashes out when my support isn’t “enough,” and every so often she lashes out at me for not
visiting her — which would require a significant trip and at least a one-night stay. She becomes
belligerent and confrontational, and I think her expectations of me are unfair.

Most of the time, she is a good, caring friend. But I am growing tired of the guilt trips and
confrontations.

I don’t want to cut her out of my life, but I don’t know how to deal with the situation.

— D.S.

Dear D.S.: You’re standing by an unlocked exit, saying, “It stinks in here, but I don’t want to
leave.”

She is still taking you for granted. If that is what you want, then who am I to talk you out of
it? But you don’t owe it to anybody to take such abuse.

If your history with and fondness for her oblige you in any way, in fact, you owe it to her not
to take her abuse.

Having a loving doormat handy is one way that emotionally unhealthy people postpone doing the
hard work they need. Meanwhile, people who need professional mental-health care are often the last
to admit this to themselves. You cushion her from her truth.

The enabling mimics an addiction, sating you both short-term but stunting you both over time, so
it must stop.

It is easier than you might think, especially because you moved. That means your “still in
contact” is happening via communication technology, meaning you can choose not to respond.

“I’ll be happy to talk to you when you’re calm,” you say — followed by silence when she isn’t
calm and support when she is.

When your “support isn’t ‘enough,’” this is your new mantra: “I’m not equipped to give you the
help you need.” Suggest she see a therapist, but don’t serve as an untrained substitute.

If she doesn’t respect the new boundaries you set, then use that unlocked exit, for good.

And, if you find you’re not able to set or enforce these boundaries to begin with, then consider
therapy of your own. Saying “no” when your well-being demands it isn’t mean; it is a gesture of
strength and love.