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Topic : Sex

Are you getting enough? Maintaining the sizzle? Or just too tired to even think about it?

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No Sex

I don't know if I'm unique in my situation or not but I feel pretty confident that there aren't a lot of men in the same situation. As a result, I find myself not knowing what to do. Here's my story. My wife and I have been married for over 18 years. We're both in our mid to upper 40's. About 4 years ago my wife began getting very depressed and started seeing a therapist. To make a long story short, she has since recalled that she had been a victim of sexual abuse when she was a child (maybe as young as 6 years old). Because of this, for the last 3 years, we have not had sex at all. On an intellectual level, I absolutely understand why and support my wife wholeheartedly. However, on a more intimate level, I feel abandoned and I feel ashamed for feeling that way. My wife is still in counseling and slowly making progress, but I don't really see any light at the end of the rainbow. How do I continue to cope with my feelings? Help!

quote

1My husband and I have been married for 17 years. About 10 years ago we tried the "swinging" and I got involved with someone that almost ruined my marriage. Luckily we moved away and things got back to normal. When we, being military for 12 years, finally moved home for good, we decided to try it again, but our marriage was not stable due to an affair that my husband had had. First mistake I know. We did it for awhile and I began to hate myself for it and got nothing out of it. Now my husband wants to go to a club for swingers only and I don't want to. He says if I loved him I would just try it once. He also has "fantasies" he wants to have fulfilled. I don't want to do it anymore but since I won't do the things he wants he wants to leave. I love him with all my heart but I don't want to hate myself for doing something just to make him happy. Am I wrong for this? I need to talk to someone about this since I don't feel comfortable talking to my friends since they don't know anything about this other lifestyle.

If he loved and respected you then he would never ask again. If he is having fantacies or if he is bored in the bedroom try and spice things up together. If he still cannot respect your feelings then walk away with your dignity and respect for yourself.

Bachelor Parties..........

I told him I did not want him to be around strippers. He said that he couldn't prevent everyone wanting to go to a strip club and that is just what guys to on bachelor parties. So I tried to compromise. I said if they go there is to be no touching either way. No lap dances no getting on stage. If he has to go then he needs to respect me. Well, somebody else bought him the dance so he says what was I suppose to do about it. But to try and get them back to the cabin??? For what every man there was either married or engaged. He knew how I felt about it before he went. But that is just how bachelor parties are.

You said "that is just how bachelor parties are...." but I want to tell you that is a load of crap that men tell their girlfriends/fiance/wives so that they can be naughty and get away with it!! Bachelor parties can be fun without being perverted. If someone else buys a lap dance, he's got to be man enough to say, 'thanks, but none for me!' and mean it. That is what a respectful and respectable man would do, if his fiance requested it, when faced with a lap dance.

When my husband's friends planned his bachelor party, there were strippers involved, but to be honest it didn't bother me. It didn't bother me because I had a gut feeling, an instinct, that he would be respectful of my feelings. He had a great time without getting nasty. Men are visual, I had no problem with him viewing the strippers. He came home to me!

Anyway I just wanted to get the point across that if a guy says he was forced to have a lap dance he's full of crap. But also, whats so wrong with a lap dance, anyway? These women are working a job, they are just trying their hardest to make as much money as they can. Its all an act, they don't really 'like' the guys.

Wife's past haunting her.....

I don't know if I'm unique in my situation or not but I feel pretty confident that there aren't a lot of men in the same situation. As a result, I find myself not knowing what to do. Here's my story. My wife and I have been married for over 18 years. We're both in our mid to upper 40's. About 4 years ago my wife began getting very depressed and started seeing a therapist. To make a long story short, she has since recalled that she had been a victim of sexual abuse when she was a child (maybe as young as 6 years old). Because of this, for the last 3 years, we have not had sex at all. On an intellectual level, I absolutely understand why and support my wife wholeheartedly. However, on a more intimate level, I feel abandoned and I feel ashamed for feeling that way. My wife is still in counseling and slowly making progress, but I don't really see any light at the end of the rainbow. How do I continue to cope with my feelings? Help!

I disagree- I think that there are MANY men in your situation.

My advice to you is to ask your wife what you can do to that will make it possible to regain your intimacy. You should offer to go with her to an appt with her therepist where you can both talk about this. Let her know how much you love and care for her. Start by gently suggesting cuddling one another before falling asleep or while watching a movie, and don't pressure her for sex, just cuddle. She might feel that if she cuddles with you, that you will expect sex, so she might just avoid it altogether. You have been patient, but you are in this together, so its okay to talk about your needs, too. Thats what marriage is about, working together. I wish you the best.

The "lifestyle"

1My husband and I have been married for 17 years. About 10 years ago we tried the "swinging" and I got involved with someone that almost ruined my marriage. Luckily we moved away and things got back to normal. When we, being military for 12 years, finally moved home for good, we decided to try it again, but our marriage was not stable due to an affair that my husband had had. First mistake I know. We did it for awhile and I began to hate myself for it and got nothing out of it. Now my husband wants to go to a club for swingers only and I don't want to. He says if I loved him I would just try it once. He also has "fantasies" he wants to have fulfilled. I don't want to do it anymore but since I won't do the things he wants he wants to leave. I love him with all my heart but I don't want to hate myself for doing something just to make him happy. Am I wrong for this? I need to talk to someone about this since I don't feel comfortable talking to my friends since they don't know anything about this other lifestyle.

Its not like you didn't give it a try...you did... and it caused all kinds of problems for the two of you... It sounds like your husband thrives on chaos or something?! Why in the world would he want to do something like that, something that he knows has caused problems in the past? I urge you to stand your ground. If he is willing to leave your marriage because he wants to swing, this guy isn't worth keeping anyway. I know this must hurt, this is your life, all that you have known for many years...but why should you have to do something that makes you hate yourself? You don't have to. For him to give you an ultimatum like that, its just low. Thats emotional abuse. You don't deserve that kind of treatment. Many men have fantasies.... but thats all that they are, just fantasies. He is willing to throw away your whole marriage to fill some fantasy? And I'm willing to bet that if/when he does ever fill these fantasies, he's going to be so dissapointed that its not as exciting as he thought it would be...and by then, he will have given up everything. Atleast you will still have your self respect. Don't give in, love yourself!!

Sex

This is my first time posting on this board, but I'm hoping for some help. My boyfriend & I have been together for about 11 years. He would like to have sex every minute of the day if he could. When I don't want to have sex, he will accuse me of cheating on him, threatens to find someone who will satisfy him, and is generally not a nice person. Even after he says these horrible things to me and usually makes me cry, he still expects me to have sex with him. I can have sex with him in the morning and if I don't have sex with him at lunch he starts his tirades. I really don't know what to do, we have a child together and can't stand the thought that he is willing to leave his child because I don't have sex with him when and how he wants it. Any advice?

You've got a couple of choices....

This is my first time posting on this board, but I'm hoping for some help. My boyfriend & I have been together for about 11 years. He would like to have sex every minute of the day if he could. When I don't want to have sex, he will accuse me of cheating on him, threatens to find someone who will satisfy him, and is generally not a nice person. Even after he says these horrible things to me and usually makes me cry, he still expects me to have sex with him. I can have sex with him in the morning and if I don't have sex with him at lunch he starts his tirades. I really don't know what to do, we have a child together and can't stand the thought that he is willing to leave his child because I don't have sex with him when and how he wants it. Any advice?

Your choices are to start to develop thick skin- meaning don't allow his hateful words to bother you, or, you can take your child and move forward in life and have a healthy and happy existance.

Your boyfriend sounds like he is very insecure and immature. What do you do when he is calling you names, do you plead with him that its not true? What you should do is just ignore it. When you tell him its not true over and over, you are giving him his "pay off" as Dr. Phil would call it. He needs to be told constantly that you only want him, its like an addiction. Because of his own low self esteem, he eggs you on until you promise many times that you are not cheating... And then he will start all over again.

Dr. Phil had a couple on his show where the wife did the same thing that your boyfriend does, and his advice was the same thing, stop giving her the payoff. I know its difficult, but there isn't any other way to stop it.

thanks

Your choices are to start to develop thick skin- meaning don't allow his hateful words to bother you, or, you can take your child and move forward in life and have a healthy and happy existance.

Your boyfriend sounds like he is very insecure and immature. What do you do when he is calling you names, do you plead with him that its not true? What you should do is just ignore it. When you tell him its not true over and over, you are giving him his "pay off" as Dr. Phil would call it. He needs to be told constantly that you only want him, its like an addiction. Because of his own low self esteem, he eggs you on until you promise many times that you are not cheating... And then he will start all over again.

Dr. Phil had a couple on his show where the wife did the same thing that your boyfriend does, and his advice was the same thing, stop giving her the payoff. I know its difficult, but there isn't any other way to stop it.

I know that's what I should do, but at this point in my life its easier said than done. I feel so bad about myself that I can barely make it to work each day. Since I posted the last message we now have posters of naked women on our bedroom walls. I've tried explaining to him that I do not feel comfortable with it but he doesn't care. Before I had children, I weighed about 115 pounds and was very secure with my body, but now I weigh about 180 and I hate myself for it. He thinks that our sex life should be like a porn movie or something. He actually said that most people's sex lifes are like that! I've tried to not let it bother me, but he will get so mad that he starts yelling and acting stupid and I don't want my son to hear all of it.

Sex

You said "that is just how bachelor parties are...." but I want to tell you that is a load of crap that men tell their girlfriends/fiance/wives so that they can be naughty and get away with it!! Bachelor parties can be fun without being perverted. If someone else buys a lap dance, he's got to be man enough to say, 'thanks, but none for me!' and mean it. That is what a respectful and respectable man would do, if his fiance requested it, when faced with a lap dance.

When my husband's friends planned his bachelor party, there were strippers involved, but to be honest it didn't bother me. It didn't bother me because I had a gut feeling, an instinct, that he would be respectful of my feelings. He had a great time without getting nasty. Men are visual, I had no problem with him viewing the strippers. He came home to me!

Anyway I just wanted to get the point across that if a guy says he was forced to have a lap dance he's full of crap. But also, whats so wrong with a lap dance, anyway? These women are working a job, they are just trying their hardest to make as much money as they can. Its all an act, they don't really 'like' the guys.

Just my opinion.

I didn't care if he went to the strip club. What upset me is that we did talk about it before he left. He said he didn't want to go to one, but he did. I told him as long as you don't touch them and they don't touch you I don't care. So when he told me about his lap dance, after I told him not to tell me he said he didn't like it. That was another lie. But still not that big of a deal. What really set me off was when he said that they tried to get the strippers back to their cabin. What do a bunch of married men need with strippers at their cabin for? Especially after they already had their fun. I was upset, but wanting to just drop it, but then he got ticked off at me for crying. I'm sorry, but I think that I should be the only woman to give him any kind of sexual pleasure. Plain and simple. I was hurt, but there was no need for him to get pissed at me when he knew how I felt before he told me. Which I told him not to.

From Lost Cause

Let's hope he is not a lost cause! Communications is the cornerstone of any relationship, platonic or otherwise. How you have a husband and have not been able to communicate is beyond me, but you do, and that is why you have the problem.

Finding a time to sit down with no distractions, (television, others around, having a deadline of some place to be) and sit face to face and make him talk.

When you talk with him, make sure you ask open ended questions, ones that he can't just give a yes or no answer to, and when he does open up and make even a little progress, praise him in some way, not overly praise, but enough to give him the confidence of feeling like wow that wasn't so bad, I opened up, communicated and not in pain! Make sure your first attempts at getting him to open up and communicate are about non-threatening things. Don't make it about sex, in the beginning. When you do finally get around to the topic of sex, make sure it is in a non-threatening place, such as the bedroom. Discuss it when in a park, or in the car on a drive. Some place he is not in fear of having to go right then and perform. Ensure as well that you don't criticize him for his thoughts or actions while getting him to open up. In time, you will be able to talk about things that are wrong, in your eyes, but if he is not a talker, you don't want to scare him off before he feel comfortable in opening up.

You are going to have to have patience, and in the beginning you are going to only get a little at a time, but in time, the more confident he is with expressing himself, he will open up more, and maybe he will begin to flow like a river.

When you do get around to talking about sex, again ensure it is open ended questions, and try and find out what he likes/turn on's and what he doesn't like/turn off's. It sounds like you are a more open person, so let him express his desires before you scare him with yours.

Again, this is not going to happen over night, and you will need patience. I hope this helps. Good luck, and great sex!

Thank you for your response. I like your advice as communication is the cornerstone to all relationships. We have started seeing a marriage therapist for about a month now. He is very open with the therapist but closed mouth as soon as we get home. I have asked him to go out for dinner/wine, etc. so we can talk but as soon as he is out of the therapist office he gets closed mouth again. Last week the therapist asked us to go out and talk about the future of our relationship. When I asked him to go out for dinner with me he said no.... The sessions have been fantastic and he takes full responsibility for the nose dive of our relationship but taking responsibility and acting on it is two different things. So far I have only seen very small steps towards improvement. My patience are starting to get thin because I have tried playing my last trump card which is my sense of humour and that didn't even work! We are no where near making love as we now sleep in seperate bedrooms! He is a nice man but I think we need to think about seperating as it looks like we make better friends then parteners.