16 Very Real Thoughts Every Woman Has While Trying to Stick to Her Healthy Eating Resolutions

It's the New Year! The clock struck midnight on January 1, and suddenly, it became time to change, because January — technically speaking, a very unfortunate month (read: crappy weather in most of the country that leads you to want to permanently conceal your body in sweatpants with a muumuu over it for decorative flair and plant your ass on a couch for two months) — is, according to the Gregorian calendar, a New Beginning. And so you shall begin anew! By eating healthily! ...to the best of your ability. Surely every woman has gone through the cycle of being force-fed the idea that January 1 is the time to clean up her diet, only to realize that being force-fed anything is utter BS.

1. I'm supposed to start eating healthily now. The messages are literally all around me...SHAMING ME. Log onto Facebook? Just how guilty are you feeling from your holiday binge-fest! !? Start your diet now or you'll turn into a rhinoceros who makes the ground crack with every step she takes!!!!! What, Facebook, have you peered into my kitchen the past few weeks and watched me house meat and booze like I'm storing it for the winter (I am)? That's creepy. Also, it's very shame-y, and I'm a body positive feminist, so no thank you!

2. OK, but screw the messages on social media! I'm eating healthily for me!!! But you know what I can also do for me? I can learn how to bake delicious treats to generously provide for my friends and family (and maybe, uh, me). That was my other resolution, right?! To learn something new? Another thing I can do for me is lie prostrate on the couch while I detox my memory of 2016. I promised myself this would be the year I am less stressed out.

3. January 1st has passed...so....uh....I'll start tomorrow? Or on a Monday? That's a better time to start something, right? Or the next time that there's a full moon? Or how about on my next birthday? That's my very own personal new year, right?

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4. I will meal prep. I will meal prep. I will meal prep. In my mind, I'm so good at Pinterest-perfect Sunday meal prep that bloggers come down from the internet's Castle of Inspiration and ask me to be the star of their Instagram ads. I put salads in mason jars, and I do this on Sunday nights (in my mind).

5. But Sundays are for watching television shows! There's logic here, I swear: Sundays are for Game of Thrones ten weeks out of the year, so therefore, all Sunday nights must be reserved for watching epic television, because having a schedule is good.

6. And Mondays are for The Bachelor. Whoops, Mondays are booked, too! Again, schedules. Organization. Structure.

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7. OK. You know what? I like salads! This is true: When I eat vegetables — or just generally healthy — I feel great. I feel like a superwoman. I'm a grownass lady, and I know that when I treat my body like a garbage disposal, it feels like a garbage disposal that is not just a garbage disposal, but a corpse that is decomposing amongst the living. I recognize this. And I choose to fight against this.

8. Oh, hey, it's happy hour! Which is a social time. Socializing = happiness! (They call it happy hour for a reason, yes?)

9. OK, OK, I'll juice cleanse the next day. But, ugh, I'm a logical woman and I know that many juices can often be high in sugar, and the only weight I'll lose is water weight. And I'll feel like another version of my zombie self: a personality-less, miserable wretch of a non-human who is passing out everywhere. Also, solid food is good. Hard pass.

10. How about this: I cut out all of these things I like instead?! Wait, that sounds like a short jet ride over to the Land of Misery.

16. Oh, hey, here's a better idea and ~healthy eating resolution~: Rather than dieting and restricting my life of any modicum of joy, I just try to eat my best and be balanced to the best of my ability so that I don't feel like shit and I feel confident in my body but I also enjoy my life. I attempt to exercise self-control, but I don't punish myself miserably when I have late night sweet potato fries. I try to silence the critic in my head but will probably fail at doing that sometimes because I'm human, but for the most part, I will do my best to feel good as a whole. Cool, sounds good. CHEERS, 2017.

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