Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Here we go again...

So, what can I say? It's a BOY! I knew it, deep down. And within the first 20 seconds of the ultrasound I thought I caught a glimpse, but it was confirmed about 5-10 minutes in when she froze a shot on the screen and said, "See that?" Yep.

He's perfect, though, and that's what's important. He even made us laugh a couple times, with his feet positioned up by his head for a while, and it was cute when he grabbed at his feet with his hands. He also showed his stubborn side, as many a nudge from the ultrasound tech did nothing to move him into a different position so she could get a better picture of his heart. She could see that everything was fine, but she explained that seeing everything live and in motion is a little different than when the doctors look at the pictures later on. So, there's a chance that they'll call me back in for a quick couple shots of the heart, but nothing's wrong--it's just for their peace of mind if the shots she got aren't quite enough.

Ultrasound pics are tough to see sometimes, so even I can't give you a full rundown of what's happening in these, but here's what they gave us:

The head is obvious, but I'm not sure if that's a shoulder and arm or what...

Profile...his hand is up by his mouth, I think.

You can't see it as clearly here as in the printed version they gave us, but this is a bottom view...and right in the middle are the telltale goods.

Limbs...I'm thinking these are lower legs and feet.

The last picture has a bit of a funny story. I told the tech that one of my favorite pictures from Jacob's ultrasound was of his little feet, and I showed her with my hands how his feet were positioned. Well, right about that time she scanned back to the feet and they had moved into almost the same position after not being like that before. And as an added bonus, his fingers just moved into the shot a little bit, too...

Tiny baby feet!

There was also one angle I saw that I'm pretty sure was a profile view of the butt, and it was the cutest little butt. Jacob's is still adorable, too, even at this age, so that must be one thing we definitely make right :)

I don't quite know how to describe my mindset at this point. I didn't cry or anything when we found out. I can't say I was excited, either, but I was happy and relieved to see he was healthy and perfect. Still, I found myself momentarily wishing it was a dream or that I could hit the rewind button and time things differently at the time of conception. But obviously there's nothing that can change this, and 20 weeks from now, I'm sure I wouldn't want to anyway. He will be loved so much when he gets here, by all three of us, no doubt about that.

At this point, I guess I'm just....sad. I feel stupid and like a bad parent saying that, but it's true. I feel like there's a little missing piece somewhere. All of the girl things I glanced at out of the corner of my eye for the last 4+ years (you know, the cool girl toys or the tiny glittery shoes) were fine to stay on the periphery because I still had a shot at having a girl later. It was fine I couldn't do that stuff then, because I hoped there would be a time I could. And now, it'll probably never happen and it'll take some time to learn to live with that. I don't think I can do this again, and I'm not sure I'm prepared to risk having a third boy. And as we know, there are no guarantees with this sort of thing, so it would be a risk. We'd also have to do it relatively quickly, but I just don't think the timing would work. Add in that we'd need a new vehicle, possibly a bigger house, and a lot more money, and it just doesn't seem feasible.

I don't know how to explain the fact that I am both happy and thankful for a healthy little boy, but also sad about the little girl we won't have. Perhaps the best metaphor I can give is this: Imagine that you're a kid and you have complete faith in Santa to bring you this amazing present that you want so badly. When Christmas Day comes, Santa did bring you an amazing, awesome present, but it's not the one you wanted. You absolutely love the new present, as much as you would have loved the other one, but at the same time, the present you wanted had some great features that you really hoped to enjoy. So even though the present you got is awesome in every way and you're grateful to have it, it doesn't entirely change the fact that the one you wanted was uniquely special in its own way and you don't have it. This is obviously a far bigger thing than a simple Christmas present, but that's the closest situation I've been able to compare it to. It's just a disappointment despite the fact that it's surrounded by something great.

It's hard to sort of be in this one alone, since Craig can't really relate to the emotions I'm going through right now. He got his boy, and he's about to get another one. I asked him this morning how he'd feel if Jacob had been a girl and we found out today that we were having another girl. He couldn't really say. See, it's just not that simple.

Like I said yesterday, I take some comfort in the fact that God's got everything under control and there's a reason He didn't send us a girl. There's a purpose in giving us a second boy, and I need to accept that and hope it means amazing things for us in the years to come. I prayed for a girl and the fact it didn't happen means that it really wasn't supposed to. And while that reality breaks my heart, it doesn't mean that we'll be any less excited when our little guy joins us. I'm excited to see what he's going to be like, what he looks like, and how Jacob will be with his little brother.

We have a lot to look forward to and a lot to plan in the next 20 weeks, and I'll delve into all of the great things about having another little boy soon...