Patience Is Not My Virtue

I took a chance and just finally came out with some of my feelings this weekend. I asked yesterday when he was going to find out something on the bloodwork, and told H that "the doc knows what he's talking about" (in reference to the neuro and what he told H at his appt, see earlier post) and his response was, "Oh yeah?" I replied "Yep." It came up again today; I told him I was tired of being teased with his little grabs and tweaks and I needed the real thing. Later he caught me in the laundry room and pulled me in for a hug and some kisses, and even trailed down my neck to the area around my collarbone, which he KNOWS is a huge erogenous zone for me. I was thinking "jackpot!" But once again tonight he came to bed before me, and even though he was awake when I got in bed, didn't even roll over to kiss me goodnight. WTF!?!?! Chalk up another lonely and frustrating weekend for the big loser.

Now we are moving into what I am learning here is classic refuser behavior: He is trying to turn the tables on me. He is whining and complaining that he's "trying to be affectionate" and I'm ignoring him, and that I must not love him, etc. He's all pissy tonight and went to bed mad. Unfuckingbelievable!!!!!!!

When he engages in limited but targeted physical encounters that make his presence known but are not enough to satisfy you (the big tease), within the context of these dynamics - this is, more than likely, territory marking behavior. The behavior is not for the benefit of building long term intimacy, but for reminding you that you are "his".

Additionally, there might be enough oxytocin released in you in response to these encounters to keep you hanging on, hoping for more. These hits can cloud your ability to make a plan to improve the over quality of your life. How? By intentionally and intermittently ramping up those bonding chemicals (but never following through to full satisfaction) you mentally keep hanging on, hoping for an intimate payoff. You used the term "jackpot", and yes - this is called the intermittent reward system - used in gambling (in particular the slot machines).

Pulling the plug on all intimate interaction (commonlly called counterrefusing) is one way to distance yourself, to clear your mind, and to see the relationship in stark reality.

Stop allowing him to engage in territory marking behavior - you take control - and you will begin to gain clarity on what you need to do for the long haul.

I think we attribute all sorts of wonderful characteristics to our spouses, like logic, sanity, etc... when in fact they are OUR attributes. When you come to the realization that he is actually telling you EXACTLY what he feels & wants with each encounter, you will be forced to realize it's NOT what you want/need.

Whatever his reasons for not doing the bloodwork/ignoring the results and for teasing you sexually and not following through. It leaves you in the same place: not getting YOUR needs met.

YOU need to get out and find someone who will be HONEST about this stuff.

<p>You are nowhere near ready to pull the trigger on this marriage, and that fact severely limits your options.<br />You have no leverage to force him into compliance with your model of what the relationship ought be - and, you have no viable alternative / exit strategy if 'what ought to be ' can't be.</p><p>Story "Counterrefusal - The Case For" might be worth a read for you.</p><p>The general idea behind this is putting you in sole control of your sexual persona. It takes all the guesswork of "whether the spouse means it this time" right out of the equation. Gives you certainty, thus freeing you up to think longer term, to think about your future (that would be you 'singular'), to think about how you are going to get to that future.</p><p>Tread your own path.</p>

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