The Iron Warrior

U2 Saves FBI from Embarrassing Court Case

*** The Tin Soldier is intended to be a humorous and entertaining look at issues and events at the University of Waterloo. As such articles should not be taken to represent real events or opinions, and they should not be associated with the University of Waterloo staff or administration in any way. Any similarities to real world events, people or corporations is purely coincidental – or non-coincidental but meant in an entirely joking manner.***

U2 — the band, not the really cool plane that was used during the Cold War — has managed to save the FBI from a lengthy court case with Apple that would have cost taxpayers millions, if not billions of dollars, stretching out over many decades in a protracted passive-aggressive legal battle. U2’s spokesperson is quoted as saying that “Apple’ security is once again [really goddamn] easy to crack. It took us about 20 minutes to compromise the desired phone, along with every other iPhone in the world.” To clarify, U2 is a band, not to be confused with the secret government aircraft that was used to photograph Russian missile sites in Cuba during the Cuban Missile Crisis, which is itself not to be confused with the SR-71 Blackbird spy plane that could travel at over Mach 3.

The band says that all it did to secure the information was pick up their ultra-secure emergency phone that is connected right to Steve Job’s grave and ask really nicely for his eternal spirit to let them romp around in the operating system without any repercussions, in a manner very reminiscent of the United States’ foreign policy towards the banana republics in the 1960s and 70s. However, whereas the US used their massive economic power to perform tasks like devalue copper to crash the Chili socialist government, U2—who play music, don’t take high-quality high-altitude photographs—just uploaded their newest, most screechy album while downloading all of the personal, impersonal, and metadata on every phone in the world until they stumbled across the one that the FBI wanted.

The FBI says they are very thankful to U2 (that’s both the plane and the band, as both provide important services to the US’s national security), especially since they can now get around those “[annoying tech people who seem to want nothing but to make our] lives [difficult].”