Monthly Archives: May 2011

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I AM OUT OF GREY SHIRTS GUYSMAKING GREYISH BLUE ONES NOW BECAUSE I THINK THOSE ACTUALLY LOOK THE BESTTHE COLOR I AM REFERRING TO LOOKS LIKE THIS

THEN WHEN I RUN OUT OF THOSE I WILL PICK A NEW COLORI CALL THISTHE CIRCLE OF LIFE

okay so anyway there’s this pregnant chick

she’s wearing maternity clothes and getting odd cravings and whatnotpretty standard pregnant shitbut this is a fairy tale so she also lives next door to a witchand also this witch has a MEGA SWEET GARDENseriously there is a wicked hurricaine of like beets and tomatoessitting around being lush as shit up in this gardenbut the lushest shit of allis this patch of lettucebut it is not just any lettuce my friendsit is some kind of crazy superlettuce called RAPUNZELnow i know what you’re thinkingyou’re thinking HOLY SHIT ISN’T RAPUNZEL THE NAME OF A CHICK IN SOME FAIRYTALE?WHAT A COINCIDENCEyou need to calm down my friend you’re embarrassing yourself

but anyway this pregnant chick is staring out her window into the witch’s gardenand she starts coveting the SHIT out of that rapunzel over thereshe’s like OH MAN I WANT SOME OF THAT SO BADI COULD LIKEMASH IT UP IN A TUB OF BEN AND JERRIES ICE CREAMTHROW SOME BREAD AND BUTTER PICKLES ON TOP OF THAT SHITBAMFIVE STAR FUCKING CUISINEi’m sorry if I seem like i am being really harsh on pregnant ladiesbut the point I am TRYING to make is that this particular pregnant lady is EXTREMELY UNREASONABLEshe is so extremely unreasonable that when the rapunzel does not immediately teleport into her stomachshe decides that she is going to dieand so she just sits right down and starts dyingall sullen and shitand then her husband walks in like WHOA STOP DYING AT ME WOMANand she’s all WAAAAH I WANT SOME SPECIAL LETTUCE OR I AM GOING TO SAD MYSELF TO DEATHand the husbandwho is as dumb as his wife is unreasonableis like well I guess my only option here is to steal it from my neighboryou knowTHE FUCKING WITCHnot like there are lettuce stores or seeds I can plant or anythingnothis witch’s garden is the single source of rapunzel IN THE ENTIRE GODDAMN UNIVERSE

so the husband goes ahead and jumps the witch’s fencegrabs a handful of lettuceand jumps outand he brings it to his wife who has all her salad shit READY AND WAITINGand she eats that shit upand he’s like awesome now I can go to sleepbut NOPENOPEWIFE WANT MORE RAPUNZELso he goes out to steal some more vegetablesbut WHAT DO YOU KNOWi guess the witch installed an alarm system or somethingbecause when the dude shows up to get the lettuce she is all NOPEand he is like come on my wife is being so unreasonable help a brother outand she’s like ok you can have as much lettuce as you wantBUT I GET YOUR FIRSTBORN CHILDand the husband is like SWEET FEWER RESPONSIBILITIESand the deal is sealedand then later the wife gives birth to a babyand the witch teleports into the roomall like THIS BABY IS NAMED RAPUNZEL NOWYOINKjust like merlin in that other story

so then the witch does the sensible thingwhich is put baby rapunzel in a towerwith no doors or stairs or anythingjust a window like 20 stories upwhich rapunzel is supposed to let her MASSIVE HAIR down out ofevery time the witch wants to come upwhich sounds kind of painful/repulsiveand also begs the questionhow did she get up there in the first place?clearly the witch can’t flyor she wouldn’t be wasting her time CLIMBING SOME FUCKING HAIRdid she just like throw her really hard when she was a babyor use one of those barrels from donkey kong or what?i mean can’t she teleport?didn’t we establish that?why is she wasting her time with all this hair all over the placehair is just a glorified bundle of problemssilky smooth problems

anyway one day the prince is walking all over the woodswhat prince, you ask?the fucking prince okevery fairytale has oneif he is not mentioned directly then he is probably crouched in the bushes somewherebein’ princelybut yeah he’s princing around when he hears rapunzel singing some sweet tunesand he is like OH MAN I LOVE SINGINGWHERE IS THE SOURCE OF THIS NOISE I WANT TO PUT MY DICK IN ITand he finds this tower and he’s like aw fuck how am i supposed to get up thereif only there was one of those barrels from donkey kongbut then he hides behind a tree and the witch shows upall like RAPUNZEL RAPUNZEL LET DOWN YOUR BRAIDSOR I WILL GIVE YOU DOUBLE-AIDSand she climbs up and probably molests her stepdaughter a bitand then leavesand the prince is like ohhhhhhso he runs up to the tower likeRAPUNZEL RAPUNZEL LET DOWN YOUR HAIRI MUST ESCAPE AN ANGRY BEARand it’s like BOOMAND SOME HAIR COMES OUTand the prince climbs it all nimble and shitand he gets up to the top and he’s like well heyand Rapunzel is like what’s thatand the prince is like oh that’s my dongand Rapunzel is like what’s it forand the Prince is like it’s for sexingand Rapunzel is like ohuhand the prince is like I CLIMBED YOUR HAIR WITH MY DICK IN MY HANDSDON’T MAKE ME LEAVE HERE WITH A FOOT IN YOUR ASSso they have sex and it’s greatand then the prince is like mani would like to have this sex on a regular basishow about we climb down your hair and you come back to my placeand rapunzel is like you are forgetting somethingyou are forgetting that the hair is attached to my head how the fuck am i supposed to climb downand the prince is like oh uhi’ll bring you a ladder?

so the prince leavesand the next day the witch shows upall like RAPUNZEL RAPUNZEL LET DOWN YOUR DREADSOR I’LL GRIND YOUR BONES TO MAKE MY BREADOH SHIT WRONG STORYbut she gets up to the top and Rapunzel is like hey sohow come it takes so much longer to haul you up than it takes to haul up my secret lover who you’re not supposed to know aboutand the witch is like WHAAAAAAAATTHAT’S ITCUTTING OFF ALL YOUR HAIRTELEPORTING YOU TO THE DESERTFUCK THIS FUCK EVERYTHINGand then she ties the hair to the windowsill and waits for the prince to show upWAITWHY DIDN’T RAPUNZEL DO THATSHE TOTALLY COULD HAVE CLIMBED DOWN HER OWN HAIRbut i guess spending your whole life inside a tower does not make you great at problem solving

anyway then the prince shows up with a ladderhe sees the hair already waiting for himand he climbs uponly to have the witch jump out like SURPRISE ASSHOLEand he’s all like FUCK THIS I’M NOT GOING BACK TO JAILand he jumps out of the window and happens to land in some bramblesit’s okay though because he manages to break his fallWITH HIS EYEBALLSand then he goes blind obviouslyso he just starts wandering all over the placebumping into trees CONSTANTLYrocky and bullwinkle did a pretty good version of this actually

but so eventually the prince somehow manages to get to the desert where rapunzel isi guess because he wants sex SO BAD that he learns SONARand he meets up with Rapunzelwho is now raising their two love childrenand she sees him all blind and shit and she runs over and cries on him SO HARDthat the tears get in his eyes and unblind himand then he takes her back to his kingdom and they live happily ever after i guess

Oh hey guysyou bought a bunch of norse crisis flowchart shirts recently(thanks by the way)so i’m almost out of grey onesin fact I am out of grey ones in most sizesbout to do a new runthis time in weird flecky bluebecause this short asian chick showed up at a concert in my dreams and told me toI AM RUNNING THIS WEBSITE AND I WILL RUN IT THE WAY I WANT

Okay so Cinderella right?

WRONG

ain’t no cinderella assholesbitch is called Ashputtle and that is the way things areI can understand the confusion thoughboth names start with a synonym for charcoaland end with some babyshit nonsensebut I think ashputtle does a better job of capturing the abject misery of this chick’s lifeso we’re sticking with that

okay so Ashputtleshe has got to have the shittiest dad in the history of both dads and shitand there is a long and storied history of both of these thingsher mom is pretty rad thoughbut OOPS GUESS WHATin the first paragraph of this story HER MOM GETS SICK AND DIESshe’s all lying on her deathbed like honey i will watch over you from heavenain’t nothing bad gonna happen to you shhhhhand then she dies

here’s the thing thoughMOMS LIEno sooner is her leprotic corpse in the groundthen the dad starts banging this new twank with a couple of shitty people for kidsthese shitty people are also hot chicks so it kind of balances outbut not for Ashputtle who basically gets shat on by the whole family from then onactually that is when she gets the name ashputtleeveryone is like HEY ASHPUTTLEWHY DON’T YOU GO PUTTLE AROUND IN SOME ASHESALSO:WASH OUR DISHESGET OUR WATERCOOK OUR FOODOH YOU’RE DONE WITH YOUR WORK?NO YOU’RE NOT TAINTFUFFLEPICK THESE LENTILS OUT OF THE ASHESHIYAAAAAAAI’m pretty sure the dad has just entirely forgotten he has a biological daughterbecause here is the thing about biological daughtersyou feel kind of gross when you try to sleep with themwhereas he has two guilt free hot chick pseudodaughters as a result of this new marriagethink about it from his perspectiveTHREE SMOKIN’ VAGINAS FOR THE PRICE OF ONEAND THE PRICE IS REAL LOWBECAUSE LOVE IS FREEwait what am i saying love is not involved in this at all nor is it freethis guy is a really awful person is what i’m trying to sayoh yeah also ashputtle doesn’t get a bed she just sleeps in ashesin order to be inkeeping with her whole theme i guess

so anyway one day the dad goes out to townand he’s like hey hot daughters do you want giftsand they are like PRETTY DRESSES AND BOYSand then he’s like hey ashputtle what do you wantand asputtle is like uh just give me the first branch that knocks your hat off on the way homenot like you’d spend more than zero dollars on me anywayand the dad is like tru dat

so he comes home with pretty dresses for his hot daughters and a broken stick for his real daughterand ashputtle takes the stick and immediately plants it by her mom’s graveand it grows into a tree because she cries on it so muchi think it’s a laurel tree?if it isn’t i am officially editing the story to say it isanyway some doves come and live in that tree and they grant her wishes apparently

but so one day there is this bigass party at the king’s housecause his son is trying to find some trick to bangand the hotdaughters are like HEY HEY HEY LET’S GOand ashputtle is like can I comeand the stepmother is like NAW GIRL YOU UGLYand ashputtle is like PLEEEEEEEEEEASEand the stepmother is like finebut only if you can pick this entire pot full of lentils out of the ashesin TWO HOURSBWAHAHAHAHAHAso ashputtle sits down for some serious beancountingbut then she has an ideashe’s like OYANIMAL PALSGET IN HERE AND HELP ME WITH THIS SHITso her two birdpals bust inand they bring along all of THEIR birdpalsand in like an hour all the lentils are well and truly sortedso she goes back to her stepmom like ok I did itcan i go to the danceand her stepmom is like what?noyou’re still uglyprobably even uglier now actuallytell you whatif you can pick TWO pots of lentils out of the ashes in ONE houryou can goWHABAM

so Ashputtle summons her animal pals ONCE AGAINand they can understand english for some reason stilland they sort all this shit QUADRUPLE TIMEso that it all gets finished in LESS THAN HALF AN HOURand she goes back to her stepmother like eh?eh?and the stepmother is like NOPE STILL UGLYHAHAHAHA ULTIMATE PRANKand then she high fives her evil daughters and they go to the dance

so meanwhile ashputtle goes to her sadness tree on her mom’s graveand she’s all like hey birdsI know you are probably tired from picking up lentils all daybut if I bust a sweet rhyme for you will you get me a dress?and the birds are like BOOM PSH BOOM BOOM PSHand ashputtle is like yoI need sweet duds for to cover my breastsso would you birds please go out and get me a dressand the birds are like YESSSSSSand they go and they come back with the pimp daddy of all ball gownsand ashputtle puts it on and probably washes her face or some shitand OFF SHE GOES TO THE PARTY

okay so plot twistturns out ashputtle was hot all alongshe just needed a showershe shows up to this dancey party and the prince is all SPROINGOH MAN GOTTA STOP MAKING SOUND EFFECTS FOR MY PENIS IT IS A BAD HABITANYWAY GURL LEMME DANCE UP ON YOU N SHITso they dance ALL NIGHTand every time some other dude tries to cut inthe prince is like BITCH GET AWAY SHE’S MINEbut then at the end of the night ashputtle is all tired so her intelligent solution is to just run the fuck awayand hide inside a dovecotewhat a dovecote is I don’t knowbut I am assuming it is a bigass box made out of doves(thank you in advance for correcting me in the comments)that’s right guysthere’s no midnight stipulationthere’s no pumpkin carriage or any of that nonsenseDisney invented all of that shitto justify a totally stacked broad RUNNING AWAY FROM A DUDE WHO SHE IS MEGA INTOBECAUSE HOW ELSE DO YOU EXPLAIN THATOH SHE DOESN’T WANT HIM TO KNOW SHE’S ACTUALLY HER SISTERS’ BITCHBIG DEAL YOU’RE ABOUT TO BE QUEEN CHILL THE FUCK OUTbut so she runs awayand the prince is like WHERE DID SHE GOOYDUDE OVER THERE(he happens to be talking to Ashputtle’s dad by some weird coincidence)COME BUST OPEN THAT BOX OF DOVES FOR MEUSE AN AXE IF YOU HAVE TOso they bust it openBUT ASHPUTTLE IS NOT THERESHE SNUCK OUT THE BACK BECAUSE APPARENTLY THESE THINGS HAVE BACKSand when they get home she is already at homechanged back into her old dresssleeping in the ashes like usual

oh but so apparently this party is a three day thingso the next day they leave ashputtle home alone againand they go to the partynow let me tell you what I would have done in this situationI would have immediately set the house on firethen put on my sweet dress and gone to the partyfucked the shit out of the prince and not had any problems ever againand that’s exactly what ashputtle doesminus the fire or the boningshe just goes back to her mom’s grave and she’s like BIRDS A BEAT IF YOU PLEASEand the birds are like BOOTS CATS BOOTS CATS BOOTS CATS BOOTS CATSand she’s like yoI didn’t know this party was a multi-day thingso could you please hook me up with some wearable blingand the birds are like OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHand they leave and they come back with THE ILLINEST DRESSwhich ashputtle puts on and then quickly runs to the party

so this party is basically a shot for shot remake of yesterday’s partyexcept instead of hiding in the ruined dovecoteAshputtle runs and hides in a mega sweet pear treeand the prince is like HEY RANDOM DUDECHOP THIS TREE DOWNWITH AXES IF NECESSARYjeeze dude chill outbut so they chop down the tree but ashputtle IS NOT THEREshe climbed the tree over the palace walls and ran homeand when everyone else gets back she is changed back into her shitty grey gownsleeping in ashes as per usual

SO THE NEXT DAY IS PARTY 3: THE PARTENINGand it goes much the same way as parties 1 and 2the stepsisters go outthe birds are like BOW WAP BOW wikiwikiand Ashputtle’s like GET ME A DRESS FROM PHARAOH’S TOMBTHAT’LL SUCK THE PRINCE’S DICK FROM ACROSS THE ROOMand the birds are like AWWWWWWW SHIIIIIIIIITand they come back with a dress that is like if you stapled dresses 1 and 2 togetherthen shot them with a sex gundipped them in goldbatterand then had someone make a really sweet dress because those dresses are ruined nowand then she goes to the partyand she dances with the prince and then runs awaybut the prince is too clever for her this timesee he coated all the steps in the palace with TARDUDE THAT IS A LAWSUIT WAITING TO HAPPENbut all that actually happens is Ashputtle has to leave 1 of her shoes behindand the prince finds it and he’s like aww yissthis will make finding her SOOOO EASYnot like i’d recognize her face or anythingbecause I was busy staring at her tits for the past three nightsOBVIOUSLY

so the next day the prince goes romping all over towntrying to find a chick whose foot fits in this shoeand for some reason the VERY FIRST PLACE HE GOES is ashputtle’s housei guess cause he hears that is where hot chicks are atbut anyway he goes in and he’s like i’ve got this slipper does it fit anyoneand the older stepsister is all let me tryso she takes it into the back roomand her foot is totally too bigso her mom is like dudedudecut off your toetotally worth itand the daughter is like i dunnoand her mom is like DO IT OR I’LL FUCKING CUT YOUso she cuts off her toe and stuffs her foot in the shoehobbling out trying to ignore the painand the prince is like WOO GOT IT ON MY FIRST TRYLET’S GO HONEYand they drive away in his carriagebut on the way they pass that laurel tree from earlierand the birds are sitting in like YOHER FOOT’S TOO BIG AND HER FOOT’S TOO WIDEUNLESS YOU WANT A SASQUATCH TO BE YOUR BRIDEand the prince looks down and blood is literally SPURTING OUT OF THE SHOEand he’s like WHOA WHOA WHAT THE FUCK IS THISWE’RE GOING BACK TO YOUR HOUSE AND I AM GETTING A DIFFERENT WIFE WITH CLEAN FEET

so he goes back to the houseand he’s like got any more daughtersand the mom is like YUPand so she takes the shoe into the back room with her other daughterand HER foot doesn’t fitso the mom is like ok honey i’ve got a clever planhe noticed when your sister cut off her toe so here’s what we’re gonna dowe’re gonna cut off your HEELNO ONE WILL BE THE WISERand the daughter grits her teeth and does itand stumbles outside dizzy from blood lossand the prince is like WOO ALRIGHT LET’S GO LET’S DO THISand they ride away in the carriagebut they pass the birds again and the birds are like YO YO YOTHE BITCH BE LYIN’ CAN’T YOU SEEHER FOOT’S OUT OF PLACE LIKE A DICK IN A TREEi am imagining these birds as the beastie boys by the wayanyway then the prince looks down and blood is spurting ALL THE WAY UP THIS CHICK’S LEGand the prince is like HOLY SHIT HOW DID I NOT NOTICE THISGOD DAMMIT DRIVER TURN AROUND MORE BULLSHIT IS HAPPENING

so they get back to ashputtle’s house and he’s like yoquit fucking arounddo you have any more daughtersand the stepmother is like nopejust some ugly strumpet who sleeps in ashes and we beat her with broomsand the prince is like SEND HER INso ashputtle comes outand WHAT DO YOU KNOWTHE SHOE FITS HER PERFECTLYEVEN THOUGH IT WAS STOLEN FOR HER BY SOME FUCKING BIRDSTHESE BIRDS HAVE AN EYE FOR FASHION LET ME TELL YOUso then the prince is like alright is your foot bleeding or anythingno?goodLET’S GOand they drive by the laurel tree and the birds are allIT’S BEEN A LONG STORY AND WE’RE SICK OF WAITINGGET BACK TO THE CRIB AND START SEXCAPADINGand that is exactly what they dobut only after a longass weddingwhich the stepsisters show up toonly to have their eyes pecked out by those fucking magic dovesand everyone lives happily ever after

so the moral of the story isif birds are not doing your biddingit is because your flow is not sick enough

I am officially on a fairytales kick right nowthat is what I am doingI’m gonna dig into my Grimm books some time in the next few daysbut i figured I’d start out with a pretty perfect storyit is perfect because it involves breaking and entering little kids getting murderedand best of allBEARS

that’s rightit’s motherfucking GOLDILOCKS time up in this bitch

alright so Goldilocks rightshe’s got to have one of the stupidest names of all timewhat the fuck was wrong with parents in fairytale timesit’s like they just named their kids after the first fucking thing they sawLITTLE RED RIDING HOODSNOW WHITECOWSHIT DOUGLASokay that last one wasn’t realbut anyway Goldilocks is running through the foresttrying to escape her shitty namewhen all of a sudden BOOMhere’s a bear’s house come looming out of nowhere

now when the fairytale says bear housewe all know that what they really mean is DARK-ASS CAVEbears do not live in housesnot even these bearsi mean these are pretty remarkable bears but living in a house?fuck thatgrow some thumbs assholesthen maybe you can take out a goddamn mortgage

but anywayGoldilocks rolls up on this sweet bearhouseprolly with a sign out front that says BEAR HOUSEor maybe just some dead bodiesand she’s like this looks like a job forBURGLARYso she busts out a window and she jumps insideand starts running around putting things in her mouthseriouslythe first thing she does is she sees some porridge on the tablePORRIDGEfucking WARM-ASS BREAKFAST CEREALleft untouched on the tableclearly a trap left by the bears so they will have something to get furious about when they come home and someone has eaten itwhat other explanation is thereyou are bears and you build a houseyou build tables and chairsyou make porridgeTHEN YOU LEAVE TO GO GET SOME REAL FUCKING BEAR FOODSALMON AND BEES AND SHITTHAT IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE A MAGIC BEARTRUST ME I KNOW ALL ABOUT THIS SHIT

anyway there are three bowls of porridgeand she burns the shit out of her mouth on one of themand then another one is too coldand the third one is great so not only is she a thief but she’s a picky bitchanyway then she’s all bloated so she has to go sit downso she finds some chairsand she’s like THIS CHAIR IS TOO HARDTHIS CHAIR IS TOO SOFTI’M GONNA DO A CANNONBALL INTO THE THIRD CHAIR AND BREAK IT BECAUSE FUCK THISand then she’s tired from ruining all this property so it’s naptime

now a normal person would go back home for naptimebut Goldilocks is not a normal personshe’s a fucking sociopathshe’s one of those people who breaks into your house when it’s getting fumigatedand just hangs out eating your sandwiches until she dies from the poisonous gasyou come home from vacation all sunburnedand here is this twitching eight ear old girl on your couchcartoon network is still playing on your televisionsandwiches all stuffed into her gaping maw

ANYWAYGoldilocks goes upstairs and starts sitting on bedsOHHH THIS ONE IS TOO HARDTHIS ONE SUCKS TOO MUCHTHIS ONE OVER HERE IS GREATand she passes the fuck outAND THIS IS WHEN THE BEARS CHOOSE TO ARRIVEyou stand there and try to tell me they didn’t plan thisthree bears show up at this house and they make a big show of going over the carnageoh man she ate all our nutritious porridgeoh man she fucked up all our chairsGOOD THING WE DON’T EAT PORRIDGE OR SIT IN CHAIRShm i wonder if when we go upstairs we will find someone sleeping in one of our bedsHMMMMMoh by the way I guess I should mentionthat the bear who gets fucked over the mostthe one whose porridge gets 100% consumedand whose chair gets brokenand whose bed Goldilocks is at this very moment sleeping inis the BABY BEARyeahGoldilocks has actually TAKEN FOOD FROM A BABYMASTER CRIMINAL OF THE FUCKING CENTURY RIGHT HEREbut anyway yeah they go upstairsand they make a show of checking all the bedsand WHAT’S THISHERE’S GOLDILOCKS SLEEPING IN THE BABY BEAR’S BEDand she wakes up and there are bears all the fuck everywherelike BITCHDIDN’T YOU SEE THAT MOVIE WITH THE GUY IN THE MOUNTAINSWHERE HE GETS EATEN BY BEARS AND SHITI THINK IT WAS CALLED CITIZEN KANE OR SOMETHING?and Goldilocks is like ROOOOOOOSEEEBUUDDDDDDDD

now this is where tellings of this tale tend to divergeyou see some people say Goldilocks jumped out of her bed and fucking ran for her lifeactually when i say some people I mean everybodyeverybody says thatbut everybody is WRONGyou wake up in the body of an eight-year-old surrounded by bearsand YOU try and make a daring escapefuck nobitch gets eatenas well she shouldand the bears live happily ever afterhaving reset their cunning human trap

so the moral of the story istaking candy from a baby is easyi do it all the timebut taking porridge from a bear baby?TOTALLY FUCKING DIFFERENT

I admit I was a little harsh on Thorthe fact of the matter is I really don’t give two shits and a saggy fuck about accuracyaccuracy to the myths or to the comic bookstillthor?TOTAL PUSSNEXUS

anyway speaking of accuracytoday’s greek myth will probably include some roman namesit will probably be inconsistentI need you to prepare yourself for thisso that when it happens you do not accidentally shit yourselves with rage

HERE WE GO

so Hermes is flying around being a dickwhen he notices that Apollo has decided to be a cow herder guy for a whileexcept he’s a really shitty cowherdbecause he totally forgets about his cows while he sits aroundbusting sweet lyre solosand the cows all wander offso Hermes is like SWEETFREE COWSDUNNO WHAT I’M GONNA DO WITH THEMBETTER STEAL THEM BEFORE I FIGURE IT OUTso he just steals him some cows

but then he looks around and he’s like FUCKsome old dude named Battus saw the whole thingso he runs over to Battus like hey dudeuhfree cow if you don’t tell anyone about thisand Battus is like SWEETYOU GOT YOURSELF A DEALso then he leavesand hermes is like hmhere’s a perfect opportunity to be an assholeso he turns into some other dudeand he goes up to Battus like heyyyyy brooooogot some cows stolen from me this morninglooking for those cowsdo you know where I can find those cows?I will give you TWO COWSand Battus is like oh yeah they’re right over thereand Hermes is like GOTCHA ASSHOLEand turns him into stoneBAMthat’ll teach him to respect peoples’ property!except he can’t really respect any properties when he is MADE OF STONE now can he

but anyway then hermes flies awaypresumably just leaving the cows thereand he goes straight to athenswhere he sees some hot chicks praying to athenaand he’s like hmit’s been many moons since I tapped the ol’ sex kegVROOM VROOM HERE I GOso he descends to earth in all his pimpest attiregot his fancyass robesrod that puts people to sleepfinger combs his hair down a littleand he sets off to make sweet love to this chick he saw named Hersebut see there’s a problemwhich is that whoever designed Herse’s house is an idiotand in order to get to her bedroomyou have to walk through the bedroom of her sister Aglauroswhich sounds more like the name of a lesser demon but heyWHATEVERso but anyway hermes walks inradiating divine light and whatnotand Aglauros is like who the fuck are youand Hermes is like bitch I am motherfucking hermesmaybe you’ve heard of mei am the messenger of the godsi am here to deliver a message to your sisterif you know what I meanand Aglauros is like i only let my sister get fuckedin exchange for BUNDLES OF GOLDand Hermes is like whatfuck that I don’t pay for itand he leaves

MEANWHILEMinerva (that is Athena but with a fancier name)is chilling up at her templeand she sees this shit going downand she is like FUCK this shitfirst of all why is hermes trying to fuck one of my priestessesSECOND OF ALL why is this Aglauros chick trying to SELL HER SISTER’S MEAT TUNNELGRRRRRRRso she shows up at the house of this chick named Envywho happens to be eating snakesand she is like yo envygo put a bunch of envy all up inside Aglaurosand Envy is like psh whatever fineand she goes and does thatand then Aglauros wakes up and she’s like I ENVY MY SISTER SOOOOOO MUCHHHHHHand then Hermes shows up and he’s all heyback to fuck your sister againi don’t mean to imply that I fucked her beforebecause I didn’ti’m the messenger god but I am incapable of getting past some greedy bitch in pajamasand Aglauros is like LESS TALK MORE GET THE FUCK OUT OF HEREand Hermes is like whoa thereyou are getting dangerously closeto being a megatwatoh shit i’m sorry i forgot to calibrate my twatometeryou crossed the twatline DAYYYS agosorrycarry onand Aglauros is like I AM NOT MOVING FROM IN FRONT OF MY SISTER’S DOORand Hermes is like that sounds about rightand then he turns her to stoneand then he turns aroundand FLIES BACK TO OLYMPUSWAITHOLD ONI THOUGHT YOU WERE TRYING TO GET YOUR DICK SUCKED HERMESISN’T THAT WHAT YOU WERE TRYING TO DOWHERE DID THE PLAN BREAK DOWNOR WAS THIS THE PLAN ALL ALONGPRETEND TO TRY TO FUCK THIS CHICK’S SISTER SO SHE’D BE A BITCH SO YOU COULD STONE HERI’M SO CONFUSED MY EYES ARE VOMITINGIS THIS WHAT CRYING IS?

anyway yeah then he shows up at olympus and zeus is like HERMESTHANK GODS YOU’RE HEREHELP ME HAVE SEX WITH THIS CHICK I FOUNDbut that’s a story for another time

so the moral of the story isif any of your social interactions start to go sourjust turn everyone into stoneand it will look like you meant to do it

Alright so good afternoon guysI hope you are having a good raptureI’m autoposting this in case I ascend to heavenalthough honestlyi do not expect my blog’s readership to be noticeably effected by this cosmic eventI hear ragnarok is scheduled for next thursday at three thoughso uhwatch out for that

But so Ho-lee shit

I don’t know why they even called it thorI probably would have titled itLOOSE CONFEDERATION OF WUSSESi meani understand it’s an adaptation of a comic bookwhich is an adaptation of the actual mythand that’s why I’m not going to complain about little thingslike how loki is not Odin’s sonor how Odin has no need to crown a new king because he’s NOT DYINGor how the frost giants are only like 7 feet tall topsor how Sif is supposed to be thor’s wifeor how they call the Aesir “Asgardians”or how Heimdall allows thor on the bifrost with Mjolnireven though that would fucking BREAK THE WHOLE THINGor how Mjolnir is apparently “forged in the heart of a dying star”instead of by some goldhungry dwarves who keep getting bitten on the eyes by fliesor how they decided to invent Fandral the Dashingand Volstagg the Fat Idiotwhile simultaneously ommitting Tyr, Baldur and Freyror how Thor refers to Midgard as “earth” or how they came up with some bullshit called the Odin Sleepwhich is basically just extended plot device nappytimes for Odinor how people are actually afraid thor might die at any pointdespite the fact that he is not prophesied to die until FUCKING RAGNAROK

no

I’m not going to complain about any of those thingsi’m not even going to complain about how the only two characters I likedwere a dimensional gatekeeper who says maybe ten words over the course of the movieand a female poli sci major with the same first name as the main male protagonist from PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

and to be fair, they actually did Loki pretty spot onhe started out with a really clever ploy:get Thor to idiot his way all the way out of asgardand then Odin Nappytimes happened so that made things work out even betterand thenright when he has the opportunity to put the win in the baghe just stats shitting all over himselflike literallyhe contracts the frost giants to come kill his sleeping dadhe BRINGS THEM INTO ASGARDthey get into the sleepytimes roomand BAMthat is when loki kills all of the giantsto make his father proud?POINT ONE:NOT YOUR DAD ASSHOLEPOINT TWO:WEREN’T YOU TRYING TO BE KING A MINUTE AGO? THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF DOING THATPOINT THREE:YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO BRING THEM ALL THE WAY HERE TO KILL THEMTHERE IS A WHOLE ICEWORLD FULL OF THESE FUCKERS JUST RIPE FOR THE MURDERING

but againnot complaining about Loki’s shitty planbecause that’s pretty much the only kind of plan loki ever makesnoyou wanna know what pisses me off?I’ll give you a hint:his name is in the titlegive up?ahem

THOR IS A HUUUUUUUUGE PUSSYhugewe’re talking hotdog down a hallway statuscucumber down a mineshaftwhateverpick any phallic objectpair it with the cavernous passageway of your choiceand you’ve got a pretty good idea of Thor’s MO in this movieseriouslyhere’s what happens in the movie:Thor’s gonna get kingedbut then OH NO OOPS GIANTS ATTACKnow instead of being king thor gets pranked by loki into attacking the giantsand Odin who for some reason DOESN’T WANT ANY DEAD GIANTS ANYWHEREbanishes himthen falls asleep because i guess banishing makes you tiredLoki decides he is kingwhich pisses everyone else off but they do not respond with violence for some reasonthor prances around on earthtalking in a british accentoccasionally behaving in an anachronistic mannerpunching a couple dudesbut ultimately adjusting remarkably quickly to a world with domesticated electricity and laws against murderhe falls in love with some chick who ALMOST has the name as the author of Pride and Prejudiceand she falls in love with him because pecsthen there’s a huge fire robot and a handful of punchesthen thor proves that the power was inside him all alongor actually it was in mjolnir which is programmed to return to his hand as soon as he becomes pure of heartthen thor goes home and punches loki a lotwhich isn’t much of a feat honestlyloki is trying to blow up Jotunheim with the bifrostwhich is a gun now i guessbut then thor becomes king by destroying that gunbridge and his dad wakes up and loki falls off a cliffWHATEVER

if I had written this movieit would have been ten minutes longhere is the script:

THOR: Hey dad i just found some frost giants trying to steal our shit so I killed themODIN: THIS IS TROUBLING INDEEDTHOR: I figured I’d go over to Jotunheim and kill all the other frost giantsODIN: SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN SON(They high five. Thor goes to Jotunheim and kills all the giants. FADE TO BLACK.)

now ok I realize this is more of a gripe about ODIN being a pussyI mean what Aesir wants peace with ANYONE EVER?but i swear Thor is a huge pussy tooI mean he finds himself in new fucking mexicosurrounded by puny earth people who hit him with TWO CARSand he miraculously agrees to wear shirts and not constantly kill peopleto prove my point I am going to be taking selected quotes from the IMDB pageand rewriting them as they should have been written to begin with:

Thor: How dare you threaten the son of Odin with such a puny weapon!Darcy: [Darcy tasers him]Thor: I’M THE MOTHERFUCKING GOD OF THUNDERThor: [Thor bites off Darcy's face]

Thor: [tasting coffee for the first time] This drink… I like it! More![smashes the cup]Jane Austen: What are you doing?Thor: It was good, I want another.Jane: Then ask for one, don’t smash the cup on the ground.Thor: DON’T YOU TELL ME WHAT TO DO. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.Thor: [Proceeds to rampage through the diner, chucking patrons out of windows]

Thor: For the first time in my life, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do… Thor: Oh wait.Thor: Punching.Thor: How could I forget?Thor: [Resumes Punching]

Thor: Can I come home?Loki: The truce with Jotunheim is conditional upon your exile.Thor: Oh. Well … Uh…FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKTHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATThor: [Punches straight through Loki's sternum and then flies back to Asgard]

sothe verdict:thor is a pretty good movieif you’re really into movies that suck a whole lot

HIDE YOUR WIVES AND DAUGHTERSSET FIRE TO YOUR VALUABLESLOKI IS COMING AND HE IS SWINGIN’ DICKSERIOUSLY SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET REALTHIS IS A MYTH THAT IS LESS A MYTH AND MORE A RAP BATTLE BETWEEN LOKI AND EVERYONE

so this myth picks up right after that other onewhere thor ruin’s some guy’s whole house and livelihoodin order to get a pot big enough to brew nordic megabooze inthey are putting that pot to good usecause everyone is at this bangin party at Aegir’s placejust getting trashed and yelling about violencewhich is not much different from what they are doing AT ALL TIMESexcept that EVERYONE is therei don’t even know who half these assholes arebut one asshole I DEFINITELY recognizeis LOKIthis dude is sitting in the middle of the rad festivitieswith a stick up his butt that it SOOOO LONGthat it shoots out of his mouth and kills one of the serving dudesand everyone is like LOKI WHAT THE FUCKWHAT THE FUCK LOKIMAJOR PARTY FOULGET THE FUCK OUT

so loki leaveshe leaves for about TEN MINUTESat which point he turns around and walks back to Aegir’s placeand he goes to the doorman and he’s all hey mancoming to this partyand the doorman is like fuck youand loki is like no no nofuck YOUand the doorman is like RIGHT THIS WAY SIRand loki comes back in and he’s standing in the doorwayand everyone is like WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HEREWE TOLD YOU TO LEAVE LIKE THREE MINUTES AGOand Loki is like chill out guysyou knowthere was a timewhen Odin and I were best broswhat happened Odinwas it because I ruined everything over and over again?why can’t we be pals again?and odin is like fuck it whatevercome sit down at the tableand FUCKING BEHAVEunfortunately BEHAVE is not a word Loki can hearso he goes about trying to shit in everyone’s mouthswith his wordsbasically with the same end goal as Eris in that one greek mythexcept WAYYYYY BITCHIER

so Loki’s like OH MAN ALL YOU GODS ARE SO HELLA TIGHTCHEERS TO EVERYBODYEVERYBODY EXCEPT FOR THAT ASSHOLE OVER THEREWHAT’S YOUR NAME ASSHOLE?BRAGI?SOUNDS LIKE AN ASSHOLE NAME TO MEand Bragi is like man what the fuckwe kicked you out of the partywe let you come backand this is the shit you pull?come on manand loki is like I’M NOT FINISHEDYOU ARE ALSO A HUGE PUSSYand Bragi is like how about I pussy your face into pulpand Loki is like THAT’S PRETTY BIG TALKFOR A PUSSYYYYYYYYYYY

so then this chick Ithun chimes inlike Loki seriously dudethis isn’t even cleveryou’re just fucking yelling at dudesand Loki is likeSLUTand this chick Gefjun is like seriously everybody calm downand Loki is like YOU FUCK LITTLE BOYSand then Odin is like AMATEUR HOUR IS OVER PUSSPANTHERSTIME FOR THE ALLFATHER TO RIP THIS MOTHERFUCKER UPTHIALFIGIVE ME A BEATand Thialfi is all like BOOM PSH BOOM BOOM PSH wikiwikiand Odin’s like YOI KNOW THERE’S A LOT OF BAD BLOOD BETWEEN USBUT I’M NOT EVEN SURE THAT YOU HAVE A PENISCAUSE I HEARD ABOUT HOW YOU FUCKED A HORSEAND WHEN THE BABIES CAME OUT, YOUR HORSE-VAG WAS THE SOURCEand all the gods are like OHHHHHH SNAPPPPPPand loki’s like UH UH CHECK IT OUTI’LL FUCK YOUR OTHER EYE OUT AND I’LL MAKE YOU MY BITCHYO I HEARD YOU ONCE DESCENDED TO EARTH AS A WITCHTHAT WOULD SEEM TO PROVE THAT YOU LACK A DONGEVEN THOUGH I’M TOTALLY LYING ABOUT ALL THIS SHITand then frigga is like this is pretty stupidand Loki’s like YOU’RE A SLUTand frigga is like bro if Baldur were here right nowand not deadhe’d totally whup youand Loki’s like HAHA JOKE’S ON YOUI’M THE DUDE WHO KILLED BALDURyeah that’s righti’m so intent on ruining your partyI WILL WILLINGLY CONFESS TO MURDERand Freyja is like dude are you seriously confessing to murder right now?and Loki’s like LET’S PLAY FILL IN THE BLANK:YOU’RE A SLUTOH MAN I FORGOT TO PUT IN ANY BLANKS SORRY

and this whole time this god Njorth who now one has heard ofhas been warming up his sick burns on the megahearthand now he brings them to bearall like LOKIYOU ARE CALLING ALL THESE WOMEN SLUTSBUT LIKEYOU FUCKED A HORSESOKIND OF A DOUBLE STANDARD THERE BUDDYand Loki’s like OH YEAH?WELL I HEARD A BUNCH OF CHICKS PISSED IN YOUR MOUTHand Njorth is like seriously where are you even getting this shitand Loki is like PS YOUR SON FREYR IS A PIECE OF SHITand then Tyr steps up to the micand he’s like yo:Freyr is actually a pretty cool dudeand Loki is like WHAT’S THAT HANDY MCHANDS?I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER ALL THE HANDS YOU’RE MISSINGand Tyr is like ok yeah i lost a handbut I lost it while imprisoning the SHIT out of your horrible wolfbabyso you can fellate my fistand Loki’s like uhwellYOUR WIFE’S A SLUTat which point Freyr steps in and he’s like dudeyou are walking on thin icewe’re like this close to chaining you up like your wolfkidand Loki’s like WHATEVER DUDEAT LEAST I’M NOT GOING TO LOSE MY SWORD RIGHT BEFORE RAGNAROKSERIOUSLY YOU HAVE THE LAMEST PART OF THAT PROPHECY AMIRITEand then some dude Byggvir is like I WANNA PUNCH YOOand Loki’s like who the fuck are youseriouslyand NO ONE KNOWSso then Heimdall is like dude Lokimaybe you need to quit drinkingyou are being kind of belligerent manand Loki is like YOU’RE OUT OF ORDERand then Sifwho is thor’s wifeis like lemme just pour you some more booze there lokiwe’re cool right?and Loki’s likeI WILL GIVE EVERYONE THREE GUESSES WHAT YOU AREBZZZT TIME’S UP YOU’RE A SLUTand thor is like aw hell nooylokishut your mouth before I hit you with my hammerand Loki’s like PUSSYand thor’s like HAMMERand Loki’s like PANSYand Thor’s like HAMMERand Loki’s like YOU GOT PRANKED BY A GIANTand Thor’s like HAMMER HAMMER HAMMERand Loki’s like you’re not even listening to me are youand Thor’s like hammer?and then Loki is like alright shitlicksit’s been realbut i gotta go make fun of some horsesor maybe fuck some horseshaven’t decided yetbut anyway peaceand the gods are like UH NOPEYOU MAY RECALL HAVING CONFESSED TO MURDER A FEW MINUTES AGOand Loki is like aww fuckand then they tie him to a rock with his son’s intestinesand drip poison on him foreverand he has siezures and those are earthquakes i guess

so the moral of the storyif when crashing a partybe sure not to admit to any felonies

okay so today’s myth is brought to youat the bequest of a very special ladyshe is so special that her name is Avalancha “The A is For Excellence” Raptorfaceand she wants me to tell a myth aboutrainbows?HOLD ON RAINBOWS?ARE YOU TRYING TO SABOTAGE ME HERE RAPTORFACE?fuck it whateverI’m just going to have to make this simple uplifting mythas METAL AS POSSIBLE

okay so there’s this motherfucker who calls himself Nanbozhogreat job on having a shitty name assholeevery time i hear that name it is like someone is driving a unicycle into my dongwhile honking the national anthem on a bike horn and pieing me in the faceWITH LIVE BEESi don’t know guys I feel like maybe I’m trying too hard

anyway nanbozo is sitting in his idiot shack by this dumbshit waterfalland one day he wakes up and he is likeTHERE IS A PROBLEMTHESE FLOWERS ARE NOT ENOUGH COLORSTIME TO MAKE EVERYTHING SOOOOOO PRETTTYYYYYYseriously guyswhat the fuck am I supposed to dothis is a myth about a guy PAINTING FLOWERSand the end result is RAINBOWSI’m sure if the Michigan indians had known about sparkle ponies and twinklebabiesthose would be in here toobut anyway nanbozie grabs his special flower painting paintsand he goes out to paint the FUCK out of these flowerswhich honestly are pretty drabi mean they’re all just this kind of off-whitelike an eggshell whitebut leaning a little bit more towards beigeAHHH SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING TO MENONOI DON’T GIVE A SHAGGY SCREAMING FUCK ABOUT COLORSokay but uhso he’s painting the flowershe paints all the violets violetand the venus flytraps and the piranha plants he paints green and redand the pansies he paints EVERY COLOR OF THE RAINBOWexcept there aren’t rainbows yet so I guess HE CAN’T DO THAT NOW CAN HEbut anyway this dude apparently has some kind of serious ocdbecause he is painting EVERY SINGLE FUCKING FLOWEREVEN THE REALLY BORING ONES LIKE DAISIESDAISIES ARE JUST WHITE WITH YELLOW IN THE MIDDLEDID HE JUST RUN OUT OF IDEAS?WAS HE GOING FOR SOME KIND OF NOVEAU MINIMALISM?WHAT THE HELL IS NOVEAU MINIMALISMDOES IT EVEN COUNT AS NOVEAU IF THIS IS A FUCKING CREATION MYTH?anywayenter: two asshole birdsthey’re bluebirdsof coursenot like they’re gonna be crows or dragons or anythingand these bluebirds are just having SUCH A GOOD TIMETHAT EVERYONE ELSE’S GOOD TIMES ARE AT RISKlike when you are in line at the supermarketand you start moshingexcept in this casewhat these birds are doingis repeatedly divebombing nanbizza’s paintstrying as hard as they can to punch each other in their little bluebird heartsTHIS IS A FUN GAME THAT BLUEBIRDS PLAYbut so yeah nanabobo is like HEY STOP THAT YOU CRAZY KIDSGET OUTTA HEREand the birds are like fuck fineyou sure are crabby for a dude who paints flowersWE’RE LEAVINGand they leavebut not before getting totally covered in all manner of paint

so they leave and now suddenly they are the main fucking charactersyeah these two dumbshit birds with no respect for personal space or propertythese are our protagonistsso they’re all covered in paint so they’re like LET’S TAKE A SHOWERTOO BAD SHOWERS HAVEN’T BEEN INVENTED YETGUESS WE GOTTA USE WATERFALLSso they go over to the waterfallbut then instead of taking a showerthey decide to just start dive bombing each other IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING WATERFALLnow i don’t know about you guysbut i think watching two tiny birds get beat down by a fucking waterfallwould be HILARIOUSunfortunately that is not what happenswhat happensis that all the paint gets washed off these fuckersIN PERFECT SEQUENCEforming

…

wait for it

A MOTHERFUCKING RAINBOWWWWWW

And nanbazilla looks up at the rainbow and he’s likeniceRAINBOWS FOR EVERYBODYand from then on everybody gets rainbows

so the moral of the storyis if you just go around throwing paint on animalsmaybe god will run out of ideas for natural phenomena and just use your shitand even if he doesn’t at least you get to throw paint on animals

Shirts are in the mail!if you preordered a crossdressing shirtmake sure to dig around in your envelope for your thank you notethey are handcrafted and dripping with organic gratitude

SO GRETTIR THE STRONG

he is the dude who steals fire punches kids in the headand for some reason has a really bad reputation in NorwayAND NOW HE’S AT IT AGAIN

so it’s around christmastimeand Grettir shows up at the house of some dude named Einarhe’s all yo dude lemme crash in your houseand Einar is all i’d rather not I hear you are a wanted criminal who punches orphansand Grettir is like whoa dudethat sounds like something an orphan would saymy orphan punching arm is getting kind of itchyand einar is like I made a pile of all the bedstake themdo whatever you want with them

so but actually this ends up turning out pretty well for Einarbecausein the words of this saga:“in many parts of norway at this timeoutlaws and criminals would suddenly appear”that’s rightthis is the period of Norweigan history that inspired Gauntlet: Legendsso everyone is just chilling outgoing about their businesswhen BAMCRIMINALSWHERE DID THEY COME FROM?WHO KNOWSTHERE’S PROBABLY A GLOWING SHED ABOUT THIRTY FEET UPHILLCONSTANTLY SPAWNING THESE FUCKERS(if you have never played gauntletlet me explain it real quickit is basically a thing you can spend an infinite amount of time onthat contains absolutely no funsort of like mashed potatoesit’s rad having a big bowl of mashed potatoes at dinner with all your brosbut when you are eating mashed potatoes alone in the dark at 2AM there is a problemanyway I have a copy of it for the PS2 if anyone wants to buy it)so these criminals have names pretty surebut i’m not picking up the book to look them upit doesn’t matter because (SPOILER ALERT) they dielet me explain to you how that happens because that is surely the most excellent part of this myth

ok so this brigand rolls up with his posselike yo Einarword on the street is that your wife has a vaginaand I was just telling my crew the other dayvaginas are my bread and butterand I’ve already fucked all my bread and butter to pieces so how about that vaginaand Einar is like now normally I would say yesbut only if you were asking me a completely different question about something elseand this brigand is like ok well option twoI stab your face offand Einar is like these are not great options you are giving mei think I need to consult with my resident badassHEY GRETTIRand grettir is like wutI was just about to go see if I could steal honey from some beesmaybe kick some bears in the nutsnothing terrible has happened to me recently I think i’m losing my edgeand Einar is like no time for that what should I do about Mister Mcstabberson here?and Grettir is like oh him?dude whatever just ignore him he’ll go awayand Einar is like by go away do you mean stab my face offat which point the dude is like T MINUS TEN SECONDS TO STABOFFand Grettir is like dude chill outwe are not fighting dudesare are all real groovy pacifists or whateverand the berserker is all like I bet I could kick your assand grettir is like“What is tested is known”which is the Medieval Norse equivalent of“That is not what your mom said last night”and the berserker for some reason gets the idea that Grettir is stallingso he does what any reasonable person would do in this situationhe starts EATING HIS SHIELDhe just basically stuffs the edge of his shield as far into his mouth as he canand gives it a taste of the ol’ tongue tornado if you know what I meanif you know what I mean you’re a fucking pervert and I am not letting you near my shieldsanyway this is the moment Grettir has been waiting for I guess?because he just walks over to the berserkerchecks him out for a secondthen SIDEKICKS THE SHIELD THROUGH HIS FACEand then as if that wasn’t enoughhe grabs what’s left of the dude’s headpulls him off his horsesteals his swordand then decapitates him with itall in the space of like three secondsat which point the dude’s homies realize they are in wayyyyy over their headsand they get the fuck out of thereand Grettir is like should I chase them?nahhhhand he goes back to causing problems for a while until he dies

so the moral of the story here is pretty straightforwarddon’t put weapons in your mouthi feel like you guys could have figured that out on your ownbut if that’s truethen why did anyone bother writing this myth?

so here’s a myth today to make up for the myth blogger wouldn’t let me post yesterdayWOOalso:most of the shirts are going to get mailed out in a couple hoursbut if you ordered a purple, a light blue, a light green,a medium white, or a medium or XL pink,the earliest I can get those in the mail is tomorrowbecause my shirt wholesaler is being a huge bitchANYWAYtoday’s myth comes from a bookwhich was purchased for me by human machine gunCHET “Read my lips: I am going to punch you in your lips” KAPOW

OKAY SO THERE’S THIS DUDE GRETTIR

he’s a pretty Norwiegan dudebut like old-style Norwieganwith all the murdering and the swords and the swimming through ice cold waterand not being in a death metal bandbecause he is too busy being in a death metal LIFEGrettir means Snake by the wayand his full nameand by full name I mean his name with a sweet nickname attachedis GRETTIR THE STRONGso Snake the Strongso Solid Snakeexcellent

anyway this particular story takes place in the middle of a much larger storywhich is basically just about how much ass Grettir regularly stompsbut also about how thoroughly shafted he gets by everyone at every turnseriously this dude has the luck of the Irishduring the potato faminetoo soon?

so Grettir is on this boat with a bunch of Merchantswho the fuck knows where he’s goingprobably he is trying to hit up king Olafyou rememberthe guy who is all about chucking horsecocks at dogshe’s kind of related to Olaf or something?to be fair I think he’s also related to a guy named Ivar Horsecocklotta horsecocks in Norwaybut yeah he’s on this boatand everyone on this boat is coldbecause that’s what happens when you’re on a boat in Norwayand they’re all like BOY SOME FIRE SURE WOULD BE NICEand then they look up at a hill on the other side of the bayand there’s a BIGASS FIRE over thereand they’re like MAN WOULDN’T IT BE COOL IF SOMEONE WENT AND GOT THAT FIREand Grettir is sitting there like MANwouldn’t it be cool if you guys stopped being pussies and went and got the fire?and they’re like WHO’RE YOU CALLING PUSSYPUSSYand Grettir is like NO ONE CALLS ME A PUSSYbut I have a bad feeling about thislike I’m pretty sure this is going to end with me having some really shitty luckand you guys not giving me any props for grabbing the fireand the merchants are like NONSENSEGO GET US FIRE

so Grettir does the sensible thingwhich is strip nakedand put on just some pantsand a cowl which is like a robe but just for your faceand then he jumps into the FREEZING COLD WATERand he swims across the bayand jumps outand runs up to the place where the dudes are atand woo look there is fire

uh ok a little backstoryapparently the dudes with the fire are the sons of some dude named Thorirwhich seems to be a pretty popular name in these partsbecause people wanna be named after Thorand if anyone actually named themselves Thor THOR WOULD RUIN THEMThorir sent his kids to go work for king Olaf because he figures he owes Olaf a solidbecause they are old buddies and one time they maybe built a boat?so anyway that’s why his kids are there

so Grettir just busts straight into the hall with the firehis cowl is frozen to his head in some kind of crazyshapehe’s hugehe looks like a fucking trolland everyone is like GET AWAY FROM HERE YOU TROLLTHIS IS WHAT YOU GETYOU GET BEAT WITH FLAMING LOGSso everyone is hitting him with flaming logs but he doesn’t give a shitbecause he’s fucking FROZENand in the process they set their own hall on firebut Grettir doesn’t notice that because he’s too busy walking out with some of their fireand then he puts it in a barrel or something and drags it back across the frozen water to his merchant buddiesand they’re like YESSSSSSSS

but then the next morning they go to hit up the fire dudesand WHAT DO YOU KNOWEVERYONE GOT FIREDthere is just some bones and some ashes and whateverand the merchants are like GRETTIRWHAT DID YOU DOand Grettir is like SEE I KNEW YOU GUYS WERE GONNA BE LIKE THISFUCK YOU GUYS I’M LEAVINGand then the merchants devote all their time from that day onto telling EVERYONE what an asshole Grettir is

so Grettir gets sick of this bullshitand he goes and hits up King Olaf like yoperhaps you have heard of me?and Olaf is like yeah you’re that asshole with the burning right?and Grettir is like WRONGI came all the way here to clear my name so you better cut the bullshitand Olaf is like dude I’m gonna be honest with youI don’t think you burned any dudesbut it’s pretty hard to prove that kind of shitwe don’t have cameras or policeor likea judicial systemso how about we make you hold a red hot iron barlike in that Arthurian legend about a couple of sexhungry emokidsand if it burns you we know you’re guiltyand Grettir is like SOUNDS AWESOME

so Grettir starts preparing to get his hands burned offby like praying and not eating any food and whateverand then the hand-burny day arrivesand he’s walking down the aisle to get his hands burnedwhen this BUTT-UGLY KID runs up to himlike OYOYGRETTIRYOU’RE TOTALLY GUILTY WHO DO YOU THINK YOU’RE FOOLINGFUCK YOU FUCK YOUthen he actually gives him the fingerthat is a direct quote from the textapparently they not only had the finger back in medieval Norwaybut they had enough of them to give awaybut so this pisses off Grettir so much that he punches the kid in the head and the kid diesat which point everybody starts punching everybodyand then Olaf is like GrettirbuddyI was trying to help you outwith some red hot iron for your handsnot much I can do when you start using those hands for punchingand Grettir is like COME ON MANGIMME ANOTHER SHOTand Olaf is like naw man no can doyou are one unlucky son of a bitchlooks like everyone is gonna have to hate you forever nowso go ahead and just get the fuck out of herego to IcelandI think there’s a prophecy that you’re supposed to die there or somethingso that’s funand Grettir is like FINEI’m LEAVING

so the moral of the storyyou can’t get absolved for murderif during your murder trial you keep murdering peopleorto be more conciseyou can’t have your cake and murder it too

re: shirtsthey are almost donethe dude forgot to buy like half of them though so that’s happening tomorrowand then everything should go in the mail by fridayHOPEFULLYSORRY ABOUT THE DELAY GUYS I AM TRYING VERY HARDAND I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT TRYING HARD IS WHAT MATTERSALSO I’M GOING TO BE ANNOUNCING SOMETHING REALLY COOL VERY SOONBUT NOT TODAY MY FRIENDSNOT TODAY

anyway here’s a story I had no idea existed until someone mentioned itin the comments on another weird story i had no idea existed until someone emailed meso yeahhere we go

so will-o-the-wisps right?first of allWOWthat name pretty much used up my hyphen budget for this entire mythnot sure what i’m gonna do when i have to mention them againbut second of all do you guys know what these things are?they are basically just fireif fire was an assholewhich it pretty much isbut not like thissee when our story beginstwo of these fuckers are getting a ride in the middle of the night from some boat guyand they get to the other side and he is like dudescould you hook me up with some payment?dunno why he didn’t ask for payment BEFORE taking them across the rivermight have saved him some troubleexcept WHOA WHAT’S THIS?these wisp dudes just have a couple mini seizures and BAMgold comes out of their bodiespretty sweet right?

WRONGbecause the ferry dude FREAKS THE FUCK OUT about thishe’s like YOU IDIOTSTHE RIVER IS MAGICIF GOLD GETS IN IT IT EXPLODESPAY ME IN FRESH VEGETABLES PLEASEand the wisps are like dudeif you’re not going to accept this FUCKING GOLD that we shat outyou are not getting ANYTHING AT ALLand they start to leavebut whoa what’s thislooks like they CAN’T MOVEwanna know why? because the boat dude is magicthat’s whyactually lemme save you guys some trouble real quickEVERYONE IN THIS STORY IS MAGICEVERYONEyou can’t take a shit in this place without it gaining the power of speech

anyway the wisps are like fine dude we’ll get you some fucking veggiesand the ferryman is like okit’s gotta be 3 onions three cabbages and three artichokesdon’t ask whyjust do itand then he boats away to try and get rid of all this fucking gold he has

so he finds some rocksand he dumps his gold into a crack the rocksand then he’s like well that was easyand goes homeBUT LITTLE DOES HE KNOWTHERE IS A SNAKE LIVING IN THOSE ROCKSa GREEN SNAKEand so all the gold hits the snake on her head(yeah this is a girlsnakejust to head off any confusion at the geckoi mean getgohaha get it those words kind of sound the same)and so the snake wakes up and she is like hm what is this that hit me on the headonly one way to find outI BETTER EAT ITso she doesand WHABAMsuddenly she is glowing?well shitif she wasn’t magical before SHE SURE IS NOWbut i mean she was magical beforerememberEVERYONE is magicalthis is a snake that can turn into a fucking bridge ok?but we’ll get to that later

what’s important right now is that the snake goes out hunting for more goldbecause apparently gold is SOOOO TASTYand what she ends up finding are those two wisp dudesjust chillin out in the nightbeing fire and everythingand she’s like dudesdid you see any gold go by here?and they’re all like WHABAMGOLD ALL OVER THE PLACEand the snake is like mm thanksand the wisps are like hey brodo you know where we can find this chick lily?and the snake is like oh yeahother side of the river dudesand they’re like SERIOUSLY?BALLSWE JUST CROSSED THE RIVERAND WE CAN’T TAKE THE BOAT BACK CUZ THE BOATGUY HATES USand the snake is like chill outi’m a bridge remember?and the wisps are like actually we never knew that but that is useful info yesand the snake is like also there is a gianthe has a shadow that can carry you across at like dawn or whateverwhen his shadow is super longalso i probably don’t need to tell you thisbut that giant?SUPER MAGICALand the wisps are like ok cool thankslooks like we can’t really do anything til tomorrowbetter go play pranks on the elderly!so they go off to be dicks somewhere elseand the snake decides that now that she is made out of lightshe should totally go explore her dark-as-fuck lairso she does

HOLY SHIT THERE’S A LOT OF STUFF IN THIS SNAKE’S LAIRthere’s basically this bigass templewhere there are all these dudes made of precious metalsthere is a gold dudeand a silver dudeand a bronze dudeso it’s like the olympicsbut with dudesoh yeah except there’s also a fourth dudewho is made out of the other three dudesnot like voltronbut likehe is made out of a combination of gold silver and bronzeall winding around inside his bodyso i guess like if someone melted the olympics in a bucket

but anyway the snake is hanging out thereand some old dude comes in with a lampand the kings are like fuck you old dude we don’t need your lightwe already got a glowing snakeand the old dude is like you know my lamp only lamps when there are other lampsand the kings are like oh yeahwhy was that again?and the old dude is like BECAUSE I AM MAGICand the kings are like righthow could we have forgottenand then they ask him a bunch of stupid questions that I ignoredand then he leaves and now HE is the main character of this story

so apparently the old dude’s useless lamp is not as useless as it seemsbecause whereas when there is other light it is a lightwhen there is no light it just straight up turns everything in spitting distanceinto PRECIOUS METALSguys this story is confusing as fuck to readbut it would make such a rad animationi know one of you has to be an animator or somethingthis could be your career right hereI’m serious I would love to see someone animate this storyI’d buy the shit out of ithere is the version I read go nutsbut anyway he goes through some underground passagesturning everything around him into a glittering panorama appropriate for a stereotypical gold rush miner’s fetish magazineand then finally he gets homeand PLOT TWISTit turns out his elderly wife is the elderly person the wisps decided to prank!THAT’S RIGHTTHE EVENTS IN THIS STORY ACTUALLY DO HAVE SOME RELATION TO ONE ANOTHERKIND OFbut yeah the old dude gets homeand his wifewhose magic power is being a WHINY TWATis like HUSSSBAAAAANNDDDDDDTHESE WISPS SHOWED UP AND COMPLIMENTED ME A BUNCHAND THEN ATE ALL THE GOLD ENCRUSTING THE WALLSAND THEN SHAT OUT A BUNCH OF GOLD COINS ON MY DOG MOPSAND MOPS ATE A COIN AND NOW HE’S DEADALSO I MAY HAVE PROMISED TO PAY THE FERRYMAN WHAT THEY OWE HIMNOT SURE WHY I DID THAT I GUESS I GOT DISTRACTED WHILE THEY WERE EATING MY WALLS AND KILLING MY DOGand the old dude is like bitch calm downI got a lamp and I am not afraid to use itand BAMout comes megalamp: ultra editionand all the walls turn to goldand their dead dog Mops turns into onyx(the first time i read this I thought mops was just some mopsand i was perplexed by the huge deal everyone was making about thembut really that is their fault for naming their dog mopswhat’s nexta cat named brooms?a parakeet named dishwashers?)and then the old man is like ok so i’ve got to handle all these problems nowhere’s what you dofirst of all go get your magic basketbecause it’s not appropriate to walk around out there without being magical as fuckthen put our onyx dog in italong with some cabbages onions and artichokes for the ferrymanand bring the dog to Lily who lives across the river and Lily will reanimate himLily will do this using SCIENCEoh wait sorry i misspokeI mean MAGICwhat the fuck is science why did I even say that?

so now it’s the next day and the old woman walks over to the rivercarrying her magic basketin which everything becomes incredibly lightEXCEPT VEGETABLES WHICH BECOME RIDICULOUSLY HEAVYseems like the worst basket to carry vegetables in but heyif a magic basket is all you’ve gotyou use the fuck out of that magic basketbut on the way she sees that giantremember?the magic giant with the magic shadow?well the magic shadow is like HAHA RUINING YOUR DAYand grabs a bunch of vegetables out of her basketand eats themand the woman is like fuuuuuuuckI don’t have enough vegetables to give the dude nowbut this basket is so heavy i don’t want to carry it back to my housemight as well just give the ferryman whatever I’ve gotso she goes over to the riverand the ferryman is there like supand the old woman is like vegetablesand the man is like NOT ENOUGH VEGETABLESand the woman is like well can we have this debt be on layawaylike can I give you these ones and go back and get some morecause this shit is HEAVYand the ferryman is like finebut you gotta make a pact with the riverand the old woman is like what’s the consequencesand the dude is like nothingIF YOU KEEP YOUR WORDand the woman is like oh yeah whatever that’s easyso she goes to shake hands with the riverand WHABAMher hand comes out all black and shriveledand she’s like AAAAI’M SECRETLY RACIST THIS IS THE WORST THING YOU COULD HAVE DONE TO MEand the dude is like chill outit’ll get WAYYYY worse if you don’t give me those three vegetablessee it’ll get smaller and smalleruntil it finally disappearsbut you’ll still have the handlikeyou’ll be able to pick up things and whateveryou’ll just have an INVISIBLE HANDso the womaninstead of being like SWEETI CAN USE THIS TO SCARE TODDLERSis like OH NO OH FUCK WHAT WHAT OH NOand she goes and runs off and then I guess kind of forgets about it?because she sees some hot dude in a shiny breastplate fresh off the ferryand she runs over like hey boywhat’s your storyand the dude is totally sullen and not answering questions and whateverbut then he sees the stone dog in her magic floating basketand he’s like WHAT’S THATand she’s like i’ll show you mine if you tell me yoursyour story that isbut actually the guy just whines a whole bunch about how he misses this lily chickyou knowthe chick everyone is trying to go seei guess he’s in love with her or somethingand maybe he used to be a king?it’s never really made clearbut seeing as everybody is either kings or magic or bothpretty safe to assume he’s a kingactually i should tell youright now this dude isn’t magic at allbut it’s cool because he will be later

ANYWAYthey realize that they’re both going to see Lilyeven though this dude JUST came from thereso they start walking togetherand GUESS WHATwho do they run into but those FUCKING WISP DUDESthey’re invisible right now because it is daytimebut that does not stop them from causing a ruckusso now THEY’RE going along with the chick and the dude tooand they get to this SWEETASS BRIDGEthey are like why did we not notice this bridge beforeit is so sweetyou know why they didn’t notice it before?because it is a magic bridge made out of the green snakewho is all hopped up on gold so she looks super pretty todaybut they don’t realize that while they are stomping all over her spineand it’s only once they’re on the other side that she stops being a bridgeand slithers on over and is like hey guysi was that bridgejust in case you thought I was a snake who was not magicnopetotally magicgot bridge powersjust letting you knowso are we gonna go see this lily chick or what?

so they all go to lily’s garden or whatever this place isand Lily is this super hot chickwho gets hotter when she is sadand is sad ALL THE TIMEbecause her magic power is the raddest of alltoo rad for one woman to handle:she can touch people and then they diealso she can touch rocks and they come to lifewhich is why the woman brought her stone dog therebut for the moment she has totally forgotten about thatand is like HEY LILY DO YOU HAVE ANY VEGETABLES I CAN BORROWI KINDA OWE A GUY A LOT OF VEGETABLESand Lily is like shitgood luckall i got is bigass treesoh and this dead birdit was my only friend but it tried to motorboat me and my tits killed itnow i play this harp and cry all the timeand the woman is like TOUCH MY DOGand Lily is like only if I get to keep itand the woman is like sure whateverso BOOMnow there’s this butt-ugly pug and Lily is playing with it having a balland she’s like old womango take this little bird to your husband and make him use his lamp on itthen i can bring it back to life and have TWO FRIENDSmeanwhile the emo king stumbles in like LILY WHY WON’T YOU PAY ATTENTION TO MEWAAAAAAand he bullrushes her and she sticks out her hand like NOand kills himand he falls over and she’s like fuuuuucki sure wish I’d been nicer to him NOWand the snake is like HOLY SHIT LEMME MAKE A MAGIC SNAKECIRCLE AROUND THIS DUDEIT WILL KEEP HIM FROM DISINTEGRATING WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWNTHAT’S A THING THAT HAPPENSHOLY FUCK SOMEONE GET THE DUDE WITH THE LAMPHE’LL KNOW WHAT TO DOand the old woman is like ok guyswe were talking about my hand a second agowhat happened to thatwhat’s this bullshitwhere are my vegetablesand the snake is like BITCH ENOUGH ABOUT YOU GO GET THE WILL-O-THE-WISPSaw fuck i went over my hyphen allotment now i gotta go into debt with a wealthy hyphen-sharkFUCK I DID IT AGAINanyway the woman goes to get the wispsand then what the fuckBAMhere comes the lamp dudehow did he even get here?who knowsall anyone knows is that his lamp apparently sparkles when people are in dangerlike a bat signal of deus ex machinaand then birds always show up and take him where he needs to beso now here he isand he’s like ALRIGHTGUYSI GOT THISMY LAMP IS BASICALLY CONSTANTLY SHOOTING OUT GENIES AT EVERY AVAILABLE SURFACEI’M SURE THERE’S SOMETHING I CAN DOand then the wisps show up like how can we helpand the dude is like SHUT THE FUCK UP AND HELP ME STUFF THIS GUY IN THIS BASKETso they take the old woman’s basket and stretch it out and stuff the dude in thereand then they drag everything to the river and the snake conjures a bridgethe bridge isn’t even the snake apparently it’s just a bridgebecause the snake has to stay coiled around the basketwhat the fuckbut yeah then pretty soon they’re on the other sideand the snake has to sacrifice herself for some reasonshe’s all like i’ll sacrifice myselfbut you guys gotta gather up all the rocks from the riverbankand the old man is like seriously?all the rocks?why?and the snake is like i dunno mani was about to die and I kinda couldn’t think of anythingI choked okjust get the fucking rocksand then BAM they’re underground and in that chamber with all those kingsand they’re all super restlessoh yeah there’s some kind of prophecy about all this shit anywayalthough I figure in a place with all this magic going on everywhereprophecies are not that unusualWEATHER FORECAST TODAY:PARTLY CLOUDYCHANCE OF GLOWING SNAKEBRIDGESMETAL KINGS WILL RISE FROM THE EARTH OR WHATEVER

but yeah they’re down theresaying stupid shit to the lantern dude againand he’s all like THE TIME IS AT HANDand oh yeahthe composite king is a total assholehe thinks he’s going to rule over everythingBUT GUESS WHAT COCKMEATTURNS OUT DIVERSITY IS NOT APPRECIATED IN GERMAN MYTHSYOUR ASS GOT EATEN BY WISP DUDESor at least the gold parts of your asswhatever the point is he collapses in on himself as he tries to stand upand it’s pretty gross actuallyoh yeah also the old man tells lily to touch the princewhich brings him back to life but he doesn’t have a souland that makes her real happy and she hugs the old manwhich i thought would kill himthat would have been pretty funnybut nope he’s finehe’s just TOO FUCKING MAGICAL FOR THIS SHITbut yeah then the temple rises up out of the earthand the old dude’s cottage gets trapped inside it I thinkand then because of his lamp it turns into sweet silver radnessand they break out somehowand the whole time the old woman is like WAAAA WHAT ABOUT MY HANDand at this point the lamp dude is just like BITCHJUST GO JUMP IN THE RIVERALL IS FORGIVEN FOR SOME REASONI GUESS BECAUSE THE AUTHOR IS TIRED OF YOUR WHININGand then the and then he turns to the soulless king and is like alright prince emotime to get a soul or somethingbecause the three most important things in lifeare Strength, Wisdom, and Charismawhich are represented by these three kingsfuck Dex and Intgo over to those kings and they will give you presents for some reasonso the prince goes over thereand the gold king gives him a swordand the sliver king gives him a sceptreand the bronze king gives him a wreathif I was an immortal metal king about to rise up and rule the worldi would not give these things awaybut that is just me I guessmeanwhilethe dead snake becomes a first class suspension bridge all the way across the riverand then the giant wakes up and starts freaking the fuck outknocking huge crowds of dudes off the bridge with his shadowand the new king prince dude is about to try and kill the giantbut the old lampmanwho apparently knows about ALL THIS SHITis just like dudechill outand then all the people who were busy crossing the bridge suddenly see this sweetass templeand they go over to check it outand they almost trample each other except then the wisps start shitting gold on everyone and it distracts themand everyone lives happily ever afteruntil the lampman’s bat signal goes off again and he has to do more crazy shit

so the moral of the storyis don’t take ferriesthey are way overpriced and you can probably find a snakebridge or a giant shadow for free anyway