When couples come to my office before using a third party method, they are usually most concern about what they should tell their future child. Involving a
third-party in family building naturally raises issues that can make
prospective parents feel uncomfortable. The American Society for Reproductive
Medicine (ASRM) acknowledges the “psychosocial, emotional and ethical
complexities of third party reproduction” and the importance of psychological counseling prior to
participation in third-party reproductive procedures. The groups
asserts, “Experts agree that the more the intended parents feel comfortable and
prepared for third party family-building options,the more likely it is that they will be fulfilled as parents
and will make decisions that are in the best interest of the child.”

One of the first
issues intended parents must prepare for is if and how to disclose, or tell the
child, about their donation conception. The ASRM (2013) states, “While ultimately
the choice of the recipient parent, disclosure to donor-conceived persons of
the use of donor gametes or embryos in their conception is strongly
encouraged.” The ASRM also recognizes a practice gap among reproductive
physicians on the timing and extent of disclosure, based on recent competence
assessments. Attending psychological counseling
prior to treatment provides an opportunity to discuss disclosure issues and other concerns parents may have about third-party family building methods. Counseling
should cover the timing and method of disclosure, developmentally
appropriate language to use and how to respond to unexpected questions or
emotional reactions from children. Parents are well prepared if they understand
how genetic differences affect family dynamics and learn social skills to
manage their privacy. Donor-conceived children face unique developmental challenges across
their lifespan and psychological education plays an important role in supporting families long-term.

A common
misconception parents have about disclosure is that they believe telling the child is a one time event when the child is "old enough". It's intimidating to imagine sitting the child down at a certain age and telling him his conception story. In reality, talking to a child about his conception is a process that should unfold
naturally over time and go beyond the storybook stage. When should parents start talking about it? The optimal time
for parents to begin talking about donor conception is during the pre-school stage.
Children told at an early age accept the information more effortlessly. Parents
may even tell children as soon as they begin talking to them. Phrases like, “We
are so blessed to have you. Our special gift”, or, “We were so lucky to get
help to have you.” Even though psychologists do not fully understand the extent
that infants absorb information, verbalizing at this stage is two-fold; It may help
parents to process and get comfortable talking about conception, as well as plants
seeds of understanding with the child. As they grow into toddlerhood, children are
content with simple stories that explain their origins. Currently, there are
over a dozen storybooks published for donor families of pre-school aged
children. Stories may be sufficient until children are able to comprehend more
complex information, beginning around the middle school years. As the donor
conceived child develops, his cognitive understanding of conception increases
and different aspects of identity emerge, opening up new opportunities for
communication and parental guidance.

During middle
childhood, disclosure can become more complicated for a family, especially if
unresolved infertility grief is involved. Based on Erikson’s psychosocial model
of adjustment, the child will begin to conceptualize her origin-story sometime
during middle childhood, ages 8-12. During this stage, it is important for
parents to pay special attention to thier child’s emotional reactions. The child
will be grappling with issues like ambivalence and begin to make social
comparisons. Imagination may take on a strong role in anonymous donation and
grief may emerge in unexpected ways. Families dealing with infertility grief may
be resistant to open communication with their children. They may be unable or
unwilling to recognize a child’s psychological needs which could interfere
with the parent-child relationship. A counselor can help parents work through
any residual grief or denial that may be getting in the way of acceptance.
Acceptance makes communication with a child easier since parents who have worked through their own grief are more flexible
and capable of validating the child’s emotional reactions. According to sociologist
H. David Kirk, non-genetic parent-child relationships benefit when families
engage in distinguishing behaviors. Parents who are able to distinguish and honor
the child’s genetic uniqueness, while also celebrating their shared traits, have
a positive outcome on the child’s adjustment.

Families with
genetic differences have unique challenges, but with education, awareness, and psychosocial skill development, parents can successfully guide their donor-conceived children through various developmental
stages. Counseling or consultation with a
specialist in third-party family building can help a donor family work through challenges and enjoy a healthy parent-child bond. For more information subscribe
to Jana M. Rupnow’s newsletter by entering your email in the box below.

Jana M. Rupnow is a licensed professional counselor in private practice with offices in Dallas and Richardson, Texas and nationally and internationally for consultation on Skype, Zoom or Face time. Jana specializes in infertility counseling and provides screening for third party reproduction according to ASRM guidelines. She is highly recommended by endocrinologists across the country for her professional and personal experience with infertility, adoption and non-bio family life. 214-520-4141 (tel) jana@janarupnow.com (email)