Came down with a dreadful cough and cold on 27th December. Lasted all the way through Jan and into Feb. Just as I thought I was getting over it, I came down with it again. Now, today, just when I've been feeling better for a few days, I'm going down with it for a third time.

Today my best friend's husband asked me how it's going, y'know, overall, considering. I made a face, because, yeah. He jumped up and came around the table to hug me, so of course then I cried. Every time someone does something sweet or thoughtful, I cry. I'm just so fucking fragile right now, it's not even funny.

Thanks. I'll be okay, I'm just... mourning. And I'm pretty functional, it's just whenever someone hints that they're thinking about me and they're concerned for me that I go to pieces.

The same friend's grandmother is currently dying of a brain tumor. Said friend also has a three-weeks-old baby. So many partings, and so many beginnings, and I feel like I will emerge cleansed and in a better place, but right now I'm a bit overwhelmed.

Attack egg recently had to bury a decade-long relationship. :/ There are reasons, and ultimately the reasons are on my end, but right now there's a pretty big hole in my life. Anyway thanks for the flowers. Made me cry again, but, yeah, it's appreciated.

No, I meant- what it all boils down to, if you keep distilling it ever further, is that we're not together anymore because this relationship had grown too small for me. Because it wasn't at eye-level, because we weren't communicating at a level I would have found meaningful, because it wasn't going anywhere. And then a bunch of ugly things happened for quite some time and in the end he called it off, and I can't blame him. I wouldn't want to be with someone who so blatantly finds me inadequate, either.

Still hurts, though. Not even that he called it off, but that we came to a point where that was the only logical conclusion.

grmblfjx: because she decided on a whim that I should just drop whatever I'm doing and watch a movie that she considers "essential"? I don't know, it's stupid and if she's gonna get angry over this, it's stupid.

So last night I was just, fuck this shit I am going to ignore you if you're going to be shitty. Today she is pulling the "I'm tired! Stop treating me bad because I'm depressed this is ableist!" And it's just, my god don't you see what you're doing? I have no life thanks to her. I am sick of trying to make her happy when she just lumps around all day. I know it's nothing personal, depression is nothing personal- but I am tired of putting my life on hold and gutting my self-esteem to placate her.

Slept on the couch, fuck it, next time I'm not talking to her for a few days. See how she fuck she fucking likes it. I do not have room for downers in my life who whine and don't want to see results ever. I'm tired of the whole not having ambition bit as "prejudice". Shit, man

I know it's nothing personal, depression is nothing personal- but I am tired of putting my life on hold and gutting my self-esteem to placate her.

The thing is- and this is going to sound weird, but it's something I'm currently thinking about as a result of my recently failed relationship and something my doctor said about self-same relationship- that I think it's possible to enable depression the same way you can enable alcoholism or whatever. My doctor said in his eyes I'm exhibiting some signs of co-dependency. There are limits to the comparison, because depression doesn't work the same way as an addiction does, but I have to admit it's possible that I, by trying to make life worthwhile for my ex, consistently kept things bearable enough that he didn't have to fix his issues.

This is a difficult area and a fine line, obviously, and you'll have to play it by ear. But, speaking as someone who never made it out of my own depression until external pressure forced me to, I do think there is such a thing as accommodating depression too much. It is so, so hard though to tell where the line is between "supporting" and "enabling". :/

So she's asking you to enable her depression? Yeah, it's not going to help her OR you in the long run. Is she getting any help for her depression or does she consider it ableist or too hard or something? I know from experience how fucking hard depression can be, but her attitude to it makes me see red. Depression is something you fight, not something you use as an excuse to be a jerk. If she's too depressed to handle the blows to ego that normal human interactions cause, she's too depressed to date anyone.