You ARE Enough. Always!

Monthly Archives: May 2015

I often wondered why I seem to be “addicted” to my narcissistic ex. I loved him. Deeply. And we shared some truly amazing times together. Often though, and because of all that happened, I became hyper vigilant. On more than one occasion, he accused me of being obsessed with him. And he was right. To a degree. I drove myself sick with worry and paranoia. I found myself doing and saying things, that was totally out of character. As the saying goes, when you go looking for things, you wont like what you find. So it was with us. I was so disgusted with my behavior, that I brought the matter to the attention of my therapist. His response? The behavior was characteristic of people who had gone through the same experience.

Then I came upon the article below, also written by Shahida Ariba. Read the post before this one, and it will make things clearer. I must have re read items 1-4 more than 10 times. Now, I understand why I was willing to accept intermittent rewards, the constant switching between hot and cold, withholding of affection. The days and nights spent alone with no contact. Many of you might not relate to this post. It’s for me really. A reminder of how I desperately tried to put the pieces of my life back together. How I tried to understand what got me to such a dark place in my life. There are so many deep-seated, long-standing issues that needs to be dealt with. In comparison to the changes that need to take place, it’s still early days yet. See you on the other side.

Your Brain on Love, Sex and the Narcissist: The Addiction to Bonding with our Abusers

by Shahida Arabi

Many survivors of narcissistic abuse are confounded by the addiction they feel to the narcissist, long after the abusive relationship took a toll on their physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Make no mistake: recovery from an abusive relationship can be very similar to withdrawal from drug addiction due to the biochemical bonds we may develop with our toxic ex-partners.

Understanding why we are addicted permits us recognize that our addiction is not about the merits of the narcissist, but rather the nature and severity of the trauma we’ve experienced. It enables us to detach and move forward with powerful knowledge that can propel us towards greater agency and healthier relationships than the ones we’ve experienced in the past. In addition, it challenges the victim-blaming discourse in society that prevents many abuse survivors from gaining…

Like this:

As fate would have it, I was in a close, intimate relationship with someone like this. He was clever, or thought he was. He excelled at manipulation.I figured out really quickly what was happening. Things went downhill rapidly. I experienced every stage outlined below. No one will ever believe the things I suffered at this man’s hands. I was forced to seek help through therapy, workbooks, online, and face to face support groups. I was dying trying to handle what had happened alone. The anger I felt towards him, was turning me into someone I didn’t recognize.

Think you might be in a relationship with a Narcissist? You’re not crazy! Read this article by Shahida Arabi. And make your own judgements. Take what you want, and leave the rest. The article is profound, in-depth, and eye-opening. The emotional and mental separation is the hardest. Along the way, I learned that you don’t have to stay in relationships where you’re not valued. We teach people how to treat us, and what we allow, is what will continue. Oh, and a word to the wise: ” When people show you their true colors, don’t try to repaint them”

In popular culture, the term “narcissistic” is thrown about quite loosely, usually referring to vanity and self-absorption. This reduces narcissism to a common quality that everyone possesses and downplays the symptoms demonstrated by people with the actual disorder. While narcissism does exist on a spectrum, narcissism as a full-fledged personality disorder is quite different.

People who meet the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder or those who have traits of Antisocial Personality Disorder can operate in extremely manipulative ways within the context of intimate relationships due to their deceitfulness, lack of empathy and their tendency to be interpersonally exploitative. Although I will be focusing on narcissistic abusers in this post, due to the overlap of symptoms in these two disorders, this post can potentially apply to interactions with those who have ASPD to an extent.