'Pretend You Don't See Her'
by Mina Richardson (minarich15@hotmail.com)
Rating: PG
Category: VA
Spoilers: 'Memento Mori'.
Keywords: Character Death, a touch of MSR, but nothing that you wouldn't see
in the show. This is not a romance, it's more angst than anything else.
Summary: A betrayal comes around full circle.
Disclaimer: Fox Mulder and Dana Scully do not belong to me. They belong to
Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and Fox Broadcasting. The story however,
belongs to me. I am not making any money off of this project.
Archive: Not at Gossamer, I can do that myself, but anywhere else is fine,
just e-mail me first please. It helps to feed my starving ego.
Author's Notes at the end.
Feedback is welcome and very much appreciated!
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'Under the spreading chestnut tree
I sold you and you sold me:
There lie they, and here lie we
Under the spreading chestnut tree.'
from '1984'
by George Orwell
Pretend you don't see her, as she pulls her hand away. Your cheek still
stings where she slapped you. Fire dances in her eyes, and she tells you
she can take care of herself.
But you know she can't.
She's dying.
That's why you're doing this, selling your soul to men who will twist it so
much that it will be virtually unrecognizable.
But you have to do it, to save her.
Your hopes and dreams for perfect life swirl behind her as she turns and
walks away, leaving memories and unspoken yearnings in her wake.
**********
Pretend you don't see her as you watch her every move. She walks across the
street and in a smoke-filled room high above, you watch. She's walking in
from the rain, a rain that doesn't seem to dull her beauty.
You know you should leave, but you're enjoying this small guilty pleasure.
You'll watch from the shadows as she walks down the hall. She'll smell the
smoke from your cigarette and know you were here. But, then, she always
knows when you're near, a blessing and a curse all at once. The flowers of
her perfume, mingling with the smoke of her cigarette becomes a smell all
its own, tainted by the gossamer tendrils that slip from your lungs.
**********
Pretend you don't see her as you watch from the darkness. Dirty little
secrets linger in the air as you enter this dangerous dream come true, about
a partner you never had.
She sits in her apartment, crying over her lost partner. But you're not
lost; this is what you've always wanted, right? The seductive power that
knowledge has to offer, to be able to discover beautiful Truth sleeping
in the midst of Lies. To take that slender hand that has always ruled
justly and help her rise from that bed of death and betrayal like a
Phoenix from the ashes.
Your partner stops crying as she sits upon the couch and lifts her head.
You can see the change in her eyes as she rises from her chair. That terrible
metamorphosis you've dreaded has finally happened. All her tears have only
served to cool the raging fire of deceit in her heart. Cold and unfeeling,
it has been hardened, tempered into the bitter, sharp blade of revenge,
leaving only ashes behind.
**********
Pretend you don't see her as she patiently waits. She meets her informant
in the shadows of the parking garage. His whispers are like poison in her
mind, fevering her into action.
You know. You've been here before.
Every one of his words, like a footstep in the sand, marring the perfection,
changing the way she sees the world, and you. Now, she knows the full
extent of your betrayal, the demon you've become. For no longer does she think of
you as a man. A man doesn't do the things you've done. A man is a father,
a husband, a lover.
You lift your hand up, as if to touch her, but she's so far away. Across
the garage and across the galaxy. You watch her between splayed fingers, as her
heart breaks again and again with each damning truth.
You no longer see the flesh of your white fingers, thinned by smoking and a
guilt you thought you had rid yourself of. The blood of hundreds of men who
have died on your orders covers you hands. A desolating pestilence, thick
and utterly terrible in its beauty.
**********
Pretend you don't see her, as she stands before you, hate filling her eyes.
A man slowly bleeds to death at your feet, his blood added to a pool shared
by men and children alike.
'She isn't supposed to be here,' your mind screams. 'She isn't supposed to
be here.' The day you have dreaded has finally arrived, like the
inevitability of the setting sun.
She screams your name, demanding to know how you could have killed her
partner, a man exactly like you used to be. Brilliant and consumed by his
search for the truth. These past years, you've killed a thousand men like
him, all shadows of your former self. But, every time you kill them, you
kill a part of yourself. And every night those shadows haunt your dreams,
howling in their mournful voices. They beg you and curse you in the same
sentence. You, their murderer.
Now, as she rises from her partner's side, a Venus from the ocean, you can
see the change again. That once cold heart has melted, to be tempered again
as it burns. But not with love, not now.
Rage.
**********
Pretend you don't see her, as you fall to your knees. Blood seeps from the
wound as you sink slowly to the ground.
She stands over you, warm gun in hand. With the highlights shining in her
hair and the tears in your eyes, you can almost see a halo above her head.
She looks down at you, your beautiful angel, and you see something in her
eyes that you haven't seen in a long time.
Pity.
You would laugh at the irony if you could, but you can't. Blood bubbles in
your throat and your head lolls weakly to the side. The world swims in your
vision, and your angel leans forward to look in your eyes. Her brightness
hurts, and you close your eyes, welcoming the darkness's brief respite.
**********
Pretend you don't see her, as she kisses your bloody lips. You awake to her
magical kiss, but not for long. You can feel your life slipping away with
the blood slicking the floor.
But she's there, pushing the hair away from your pale face. She's still
looking down at you, pity and love flashing visibly over her features now.
But, through it all, you can still see her trying to hide the pain.
Pain you caused. You close your eyes. Not because you can't keep them
open, but because you can't bear to look into hers. But whoever said betrayal was
easy?
She calls your name, thinking you're dying. And perhaps you are. She turns
your head with her hands, trying to look in your eyes one last time. She
never knew the price of your betrayal or why you did it. You open your
mouth and try to tell her everything you've longed to tell her. How you did it to
save her, the only woman you ever truly loved.
But you can't. You can't tell her, and she'll never know.
The only thing that you can say is the mantra that's kept you alive all
these long years. The words stick in your throat, fighting the tides of blood
that threaten to drag you into the darkness. You choke over the words, knowing
that they will be your last.
"Pretend you don't see her," you whisper as the clouds roll, and you finally
sink into the absolute blackness of their depths.
-Finis-
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Author's Notes: The title of this story comes from a Mary Higgins Clark
novel of the same name. I haven't read the novel, (although I probably
should if just the title has this effect on me. ) the words merely got
stuck in my head and evolved into this short story. Special thanks to my
beta-reader, Marc Kniola, for the encouraging words and ideas. Thanks!
Feedback is appreciated at 'minarich15@hotmail.com'.