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GingerClive on "Facebook exclusive scares the shit out of brummies"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=73210#post-214541
Sat, 08 Mar 2014 13:17:11 +0000GingerClive214541@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>A report, kept confidential by British authorities for fear of Brummies fleeing the city and inflicting their accent on the rest of the country, has been leaked in a thinly veiled message on facebook's trending topics.</p>
<p>"Malaysian Airlines loses contact with jet, world's top dogs descending on Birmingham" was disguised by being split into the top two topics, but Brummies are now heading for Tamworth, or if more adventurous Weston Super Mare, and hoping Aston takes the hit.
</p>Titus on "'Fussy' dung beetles refusing to eat shit any more"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42232#post-185486
Tue, 09 Jul 2013 00:56:05 +0000Titus185486@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>I will know this government has a sense of humour when it suddenly and loudly bans copropahagy as 'dangerous', just to see how many teenagers then start to take it up and how many of them claim to get 'high' on it. And how long it would be before the Daily Wail got all excitied and hysterical about the issue.
</p>sydalg on "'Fussy' dung beetles refusing to eat shit any more"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42232#post-185404
Mon, 08 Jul 2013 11:27:42 +0000sydalg185404@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>A bit of Monday morning coprophagy gets the week off on the right note.
</p>Oxbridge on "'Fussy' dung beetles refusing to eat shit any more"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42232#post-185400
Mon, 08 Jul 2013 11:19:19 +0000Oxbridge185400@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Bumped by spammers, I'll be bound. This was FP a year ago.
</p>Lindy Moone on "'Fussy' dung beetles refusing to eat shit any more"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42232#post-185393
Mon, 08 Jul 2013 11:04:49 +0000Lindy Moone185393@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>How, how does one get bumped by Spam after a year?</p>
<p>I will add stars, just because I can...
</p>Wrenfoe on "'Fussy' dung beetles refusing to eat shit any more"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42232#post-185392
Mon, 08 Jul 2013 11:04:15 +0000Wrenfoe185392@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Scatalogical starz
</p>nickb on "'Fussy' dung beetles refusing to eat shit any more"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42232#post-185390
Mon, 08 Jul 2013 11:00:51 +0000nickb185390@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>yes
</p>brianflan on "Chimp Death to cause new GFC?"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61094#post-177739
Mon, 13 May 2013 08:29:59 +0000brianflan177739@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Many thanks commentators, </p>
<p>Got 2 out of 2 FP which can only mean.....</p>
<p>standards are obviously slipping, good chance for second raters to at last shine!
</p>Sinnick on "Chimp Death to cause new GFC?"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61094#post-177675
Sun, 12 May 2013 09:48:49 +0000Sinnick177675@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Great FP, missed this earlier.</p>
<p>Oh, and welcome. FP after just 3 days of being active here ? Splendid !</p>
<p>Great opportunity at the moment for newbies, with some of the regulars drifting off ...
</p>Username on "Chimp Death to cause new GFC?"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61094#post-177668
Sun, 12 May 2013 08:53:47 +0000Username177668@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Lovely concept, well executed.5*
</p>brianflan on "Chimp Death to cause new GFC?"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61094#post-177551
Sat, 11 May 2013 09:06:54 +0000brianflan177551@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>I was hoping Spielberg could see this. I'm sure, he's an avid reader of News Biscuit. There's a film plot in there somewhere..........
</p>Wrenfoe on "Chimp Death to cause new GFC?"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61094#post-177406
Fri, 10 May 2013 08:13:43 +0000Wrenfoe177406@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>I even felt a little sad that Buttercup had died (-clearly my grip on reality is slipping)
</p>reforse on "Chimp Death to cause new GFC?"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61094#post-177398
Fri, 10 May 2013 07:31:04 +0000reforse177398@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Nicely done
</p>Gerontius on "Chimp Death to cause new GFC?"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61094#post-177393
Fri, 10 May 2013 07:16:11 +0000Gerontius177393@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Good work Brian - grand idea.<br />
Bad day for Wall St and share prices.<br />
Let's hope Buttercup is just the first of many.<br />
What the world needs right now are more primates working at the NYSE.
</p>Wrenfoe on "Chimp Death to cause new GFC?"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61094#post-177388
Fri, 10 May 2013 06:58:56 +0000Wrenfoe177388@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Wonderful concept :)
</p>brianflan on "Chimp Death to cause new GFC?"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61094#post-177387
Fri, 10 May 2013 06:47:51 +0000brianflan177387@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Shock waves ran through Wall Street today sending a panic amongst even the most experienced investors, as news emerged that Buttercup - the first female chimp to sit behind the big curtain on the New York Stock exchange trading floor and press random buttons to control share prices - has died. The death of the previous chimp in 2008 Groucho, a 23 year old chimpanzee released from a laboratory in Nevada, caused the Global Financial Crisis.</p>
<p>With no substitute chimp, due to lack of federal funding, US president Obama broke off his engagements involving the Syrian conflict to assign renowned investor Warren Buffet to lead SEAL Team 6, now bored after doing lots of stuff other than killing people, to the Congo to hunt down a replacement. Attempts at buying one from a pet store have become problematic due to the Democratic Ethics Committee describing purchasing chimpanzees as a ‘slight on animal sales.’</p>
<p>Mark Pye, a Wall Street analyst, paid tribute. ‘While Buttercup’s tenure was short, it was a breakthrough for equality that she became the first female chimp to sit behind that big curtain and press random buttons to control share prices. It is now vitally important that a chimp is found quickly to prevent the catastrophe of 2008 repeating itself. If we do find ourselves back to those dark days, the President will have some explaining to do why as to why no back up chimp was in place.</p>
<p>In response to the news, the Dow Jones was down 9% the NYSE fell an incredible 14%
</p>Titus on "Outdoor Toddlers are Prolific Pet Killers, Study Says"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55785#post-161233
Tue, 05 Feb 2013 10:59:13 +0000Titus161233@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Yup - well said Golgo13.
</p>Jeremy Hunt on "Outdoor Toddlers are Prolific Pet Killers, Study Says"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55785#post-161226
Tue, 05 Feb 2013 09:02:25 +0000Jeremy Hunt161226@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>''Otherwise the danger is it can come across as a cloud of sentences orbiting a theme nucleus.''</p>
<p>Quite.
</p>ゴルゴ１３ on "Outdoor Toddlers are Prolific Pet Killers, Study Says"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55785#post-161225
Tue, 05 Feb 2013 08:04:35 +0000ゴルゴ１３161225@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>The stuff that works best on this format is the stuff firmly grounded in parody of print news, rather than spoken word news. </p>
<p>It looks to me like you've got The Day Today in your head which I love, but it's hard to make it work without the deadpan whithering delivery and video clips. </p>
<p>Overall it seems to lack focus - and a punchline. Surrealism is not banned and can work within a parody news article, but it's better if a point is made (maybe even a satirical point but could just be a joke or a pun that ties it together) somewhere near the end so people can go "ah!"</p>
<p>Otherwise the danger is it can come across as a cloud of sentences orbiting a theme nucleus.
</p>Quaz on "Outdoor Toddlers are Prolific Pet Killers, Study Says"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55785#post-161217
Tue, 05 Feb 2013 03:30:59 +0000Quaz161217@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Twisted, stars.
</p>birdw0rks on "Outdoor Toddlers are Prolific Pet Killers, Study Says"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55785#post-161126
Mon, 04 Feb 2013 18:57:43 +0000birdw0rks161126@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p><em>From our correspondent in the American Colonies.</em></p>
<p>Wild, outdoor children could be killing far more cats and dogs than previously estimated.</p>
<p>That’s according to a new study published this week in Unnatural Miscommunications that says toddler predation is the single greatest cause of pet mortality in America, more than overly-constricting Halloween costumes, GMO foods, alien abduction, or wind turbines.</p>
<p>It is estimated that some 50 million feral children and upwards of 1 billion owned children exist in the United States. The city of New York may have as many as half a million stray 5-year-olds alone. But the study calls into question the so-called Trap-Spank-Return policy for managing these strays, which is designed to reduce the destructive behaviour of outdoor children without killing them. Some experts argue that when urban communities of feral kids endure they serve as a magnet for parents seeking a place to dump their unwanted offspring. The study’s surprisingly high estimates of pet deaths supports this – large groups of cruel, fur-tugging toddlers could represent dire consequences for cats and dogs allowed outside.</p>
<p>A recent statement by the Inhumane Society’s conservation director, Peter Futt, identified a middle ground in this heated arena:</p>
<p>“Is there such a thing as a cat-person or a child-person? It’s not about toddlers versus cats, it’s about trying to slowly eradicate both.”</p>
<p>But many people involved in pet stroking are far less accommodating. Marjorie Johansson, author of “Wagsy”, a book about her experiences as a professional cat fondler, had this to say:</p>
<p>“As a pet lover, I see firsthand the damage children do to cats. Letting even domesticated toddlers outside, free to roam the gardens where cats provide a valuable service reducing local bird pest populations, is by far the most egregious way to harm pets. People who would never dream of shoving their kitten headfirst into a high-speed blender, ramming on the lid, and turning it on at the megapuree setting go ahead and let their children outside, which more often than not accomplishes the exact same outcome, but in a slower, more horrifying and gruesome way. And the impact of that can have further ramifications. If that cat is a single surrogate mother to an otter pup or baby marmot, those lovely, little, fluffy, cuddly, young animals will starve to death with their tiny faces practically torn off with grief.”
</p>geokay on "Cornwall Tourist Chiefs ready to exploit "The Dead Badger Factor""http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54401#post-157031
Wed, 09 Jan 2013 20:00:26 +0000geokay157031@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Concerned that a possible badger cull in August 2013 may affect visitor numbers to Cornwall, the county’s tourist chiefs are planning to use the cull to create a Badger Bonanza of attractions.</p>
<p>A spokesman said today; “Some may view the slaughter of thousands of badgers across the county at the height of the tourist season as a problem but we see it as an opportunity”.</p>
<p>“We have seriously looked at proposals to vaccinate badgers instead of killing them all but frankly there are no Tourist Industry marketing jobs in that”.</p>
<p>“We are in conversation with Olympic organisers to hire tiered seating units which can be placed at shooting sites and we could even sell season tickets for dedicated fans of shooting defenceless animals. Events like this would provide a useful boost to our already vibrant night time economy and for the police officers who would be deployed to ensure civilised behaviour it would be a welcome change from collecting vomit-covered and drunken teenagers from the streets of Newquay.”</p>
<p>“The tradition of ‘blooding’ young supporters viewing their first kill could be borrowed from our friends in the fox-hunting fraternity and badger blood may well become a new and eco-friendly form of body art, replacing tattoos (so tasteless) and face painting”.</p>
<p>“Nor will the gourmet be forgotten; badger burgers ("Big Brocks") are just one of the exciting food ideas we are looking at and hugely enjoying experimenting with. Though our food technologists did have initial problems with fur removal the use of industrial blow torches is now proving effective and gives an authentic smoky barbecue flavour to the finished product. We are also negotiating with Iceland Foods for the supply of frozen “Badger Bit Bags” to their stores and our marketing slogan “Good Food In Black and White” really sums up the spirit of this enterprise”. One local chef was unsure however; “There will be so many badgers and there are so few recipes”.</p>
<p>There are also plans to introduce “Plant a Badger” – a game which is already popular with farmers in many parts of rural England. The rules are simple; kill a badger and then plant it at the side of the road so it looks like a victim of a passing car. Points are awarded for artful display (loose body parts can be hacked off and then sold on ebay) and for the excited looks on the faces of passing children. Extra points are, of course, awarded for planting your badgers on main tourist routes through the county and for the length of time it takes the police to find your badger and then not investigate this breach of the Wildlife Act.</p>
<p>In a separate move the council today announced the immediate closure of its Ethical Marketing Department.
</p>victimms on "Badger Parade Culled off yet again"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49005#post-141370
Wed, 03 Oct 2012 08:11:57 +0000victimms141370@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>.
</p>Yikes on "'Fussy' dung beetles refusing to eat shit any more"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42232#post-120780
Tue, 01 May 2012 10:12:39 +0000Yikes120780@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Very funny.</p>
<p>Wouldn't like to be reincarnated into one of those!
</p>Vertically Challenged Giant on "'Fussy' dung beetles refusing to eat shit any more"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42232#post-120777
Tue, 01 May 2012 09:56:35 +0000Vertically Challenged Giant120777@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>I was trying to remember what it was I'd contributed to get a hat-tip.</p>
<p>If it gets used this time around that would suggest that it was just my line holding it back last time.
</p>Oxbridge on "'Fussy' dung beetles refusing to eat shit any more"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42232#post-120760
Tue, 01 May 2012 09:01:43 +0000Oxbridge120760@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Yeah, but I took his 'it all tastes like chicken shit' joke out this time.
</p>ゴルゴ１３ on "'Fussy' dung beetles refusing to eat shit any more"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42232#post-120659
Mon, 30 Apr 2012 12:30:13 +0000ゴルゴ１３120659@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Nice concept. You have the "Shidas touch"...</p>
<p>btw, this had a hat-tip to VCG last time you posted it...
</p>writinginbsl on "'Fussy' dung beetles refusing to eat shit any more"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42232#post-120650
Mon, 30 Apr 2012 12:06:51 +0000writinginbsl120650@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>very funny and clever</p>
<p>stars</p>
<p>disappointed not to see idea being poo-pooed somewhere tho
</p>Oxbridge on "'Fussy' dung beetles refusing to eat shit any more"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42232#post-120642
Mon, 30 Apr 2012 11:35:17 +0000Oxbridge120642@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>To zoologists, they are nature’s great recyclers, the 5,000 or so species that feed on faeces and maintain the ecological balance of the deserts, farmlands, forests and grasslands of the world. However, this may be about to change, as a younger generation of dung beetle tell their parents they 'are not eating that shit'.</p>
<p>The generation gap has truly struck in the Scarabaeoidea world. Older dung beetles point out that millions of generations before them have been happy to eat shit and they are lucky not to have to eat or drink anything else, because the dung provides all the necessary nutrients. Young dung beetles, however, are not listening. </p>
<p>‘My mum keeps on how there’s so many different kinds of shit,’ said an Onthophagus gazella in Kenya's Masai Mara. ‘Lion shit, zebra shit, elephant shit, rhino shit … well I don’t care, it’s all basically shit. Why should I put up with this shit because everyone else did? It’s just like Nazi Germany. I imagine.’</p>
<p>Religious leaders have tried to comfort any dung beetles who don’t like the taste of shit, saying that their role on Earth is ordained by God as a way of keeping the circle of life going. However, in today’s more open society, even lower order animals are wondering if the creator of the entire universe really would have such a warped sense of humour.</p>
<p>Mother dung beetles increasingly feel trapped between their demanding offspring and conservative older dung beetles. 'Roller' species of dung beetle have long derided the 'tunnellers' as stupid and 'dwellers' as plain lazy. Now they are turning their wrath on their great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandchildren.</p>
<p>‘When I was a youngster two months ago, living in a steaming puddle of hippo urine, omnivore shit was a treat to relieve a monotonous diet of decaying leaves and passing millipedes,’ said an old Euoniticellus intermedius. ‘We didn’t have two turds to rub together. And now these little shits are even turning their feelers up at fresh leopard shit. That’s seriously good shit that is. Shit.'
</p>Major Clanger on "95% of women prefer rabbits in the bedroom to a horse in the living room"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37484#post-105785
Sun, 15 Jan 2012 13:06:13 +0000Major Clanger105785@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Like it.
</p>