One day there was a fat little penguin named bob. bob was a very fat penguin. he was black and white and he lived in antarctica. antarctica was very cold. the penguin bought a winter jacket so he wouldnt be cold. the jacket broke, so he was cold. it was very cold. the penguin started crying and his tears froze. then the sad fairy came and took him to florida because he was sad. florida was not cold. florida was warm. the penguin was happy. the penguin went to the beach. the penguin got sunburned really bad. the people on the beach laughed at him. they said ha ha ha. it was very mean. the penguin was sad. then the penguin died because it was so sad. it was very sad. then the doctorss that healed the penguin...

One day there was a fat little penguin named bob. bob was a very fat penguin. he was black and white and he lived in antarctica. antarctica was very cold. the penguin bought a winter jacket so he wouldnt be cold. the jacket broke, so he was cold. it was very cold. the penguin started crying and his tears froze. then the sad fairy came and took him to florida because he was sad. florida was not cold. florida was warm. the penguin was happy. the penguin went to the beach. the penguin got sunburned really bad. the people on the beach laughed at him. they said ha ha ha. it was very mean. the penguin was sad. then the penguin died because it was so sad. it was very sad. then the doctorss that healed the penguin...

All the way back to full health. The penguin was happy. After the doctor helped him, he traveled to Texas, because he heard that it was warm there too. When he got there, he bought some courage. And by courage, I mean a gun. It was a nice gun. A .357 Magnum. He liked it so much, he bought another gun. A Desert Eagle. He took his guns and hijacked a pickup truck. Ironically, there was an “Insured by Sam and Wesson sticker” on the back. When he got the truck, he started driving back to Florida. To kill those bastards that laughed at him. As he arrived to Florida, he realized that the people who made fun of him were not just ordinary beach goers, but actually they were members of the independent party, headed by Ralph Nader!

The penguin was so shocked by his discovery that he decided to infiltrate the independent party. The penguin knew he would need a better disguise, so he went to Hogwarts and asked if anyone knew a good transmogrifying spell. The penguin realized that Hogwarts was imaginary and that he was also incapable of holding a gun to hijack a pickup truck with, so he and Hogwarts vanished in a puff of reality. The penguin’s equivalent in an alternate dimension, the duck, took over for the penguin. In this dimension ducks were capable of running for presidential office, so the duck ran against alternate-dimension Nader as a progressive, cus he thought the granger movement was the shit, and won. He then became the first duck in history to become the president. Nader was depressed because he lost to a duck.

Because he was so depressed, Nader decided to kill himself, and make it look like a murder, committed by the progressive duck. He set up a complex Rube Goldberg device, where he would light a wick, and that wick would burn through a string, and that would pull the trigger on a .357 Magnum and a Desert Eagle (I skipped a couple steps) then, that noise would set a 45 second timer on 5 lbs of TNT which would destroy the guns.

MEANWHILE – The duck was making changes to the country. He made health care available for everyone in the country, and made unemployment a thing of the past. He even made peace with the French after 6 years of bloody war. He also destroyed all the Walmarts and Kmarts, because the latter sucks, and the former is evil.

Then he was assassinated by a liberal idiot who didn't like to see what he thought would be great actually playing out. He realized that he was going to die, so he hid in his bathtub. Meanwhile, everyone cowered, and everyone screamed, for the flying monkeys heralded it: Hilary was coming! Her maniacal evil laugh struck fear into the hearts of everyone. Then Reagan came back from the grave. In a bitter election, Reagan received the electoral vote of every state except France, which as part of the peace treaty crafted by the duck was under US rule. Hilary Rodham Clinton was banished to France, which was then blown up. Reagan lead the country to prosperity. Until he saw a duck. The duck was just sitting there, with banners all around him that said "Labor," "Socialism" , "Progressive" ,"Liberal." Reagan gave him one that said "Reality Deficient."

Children, this is what happens to hockey players, druggies, and Hillary Clinton.

then the penguin decided that all forms of government suck. he dropped an atomic bomb on the world and blew it up. he went to pluto and tried to make it a planet again. but he had blown up the earth with all the scientists on it, so pluto was doomed to be a dwarf planet for ever. that made teh penguin sad. the penguin then met an alien named harry. harry had a big head and green skin. harry smelled funny. harry abducted the penguin and took him to the andromeda galaxy. the only problem was that it was such a long flight and on the way there the penguin died. harry was sad. when harry got back to his galaxy, he got beat up every day by his friends.