Writings > Entering the Daylight

29 Mar 2004

Long ago, I wrote of a man who had been searching in the darkness, but
found the light in another person. Oh how wonderful it would be if the story
had been that simple...
- gile, March 29, 2004

What one sees as a thousand points of light, another sees as nothingness.

You thought she was the one to show you the light. That she was the one to
lead you out of the darkness. You couldn't have been more wrong. What you saw
as light in her, was only your blind faith. Light, it was not. Darkness of a
new kind, it certainly was. A darkness that even seems appealing at first...

You come to it, drawn by that appeal. Before you realise what you have
fallen into, everything closes in on you. You then become transfixed on
her — the one you follow blindly. But you don't want to leave, because
it looks like the world around you has become enjoyable. In fact, you have
many a wonderful experience with the one you follow. There are many firsts,
and you start to think about forever.

Underneath, however, you've become hopelessly dependent on her. She is the
one thing that will create or destroy you. You want her attention, but you
never want her to think badly of you. At the drop of a hat, you'd come to her,
putting her before everything, including yourself. You lose sight of
everything except her.

Your mind puts thoughts of mistrust and uncertainty in your head. You do
your best to push them aside, but they keep coming back. It makes you wonder
whether or not she's completely honest with you. But, you rationalise, you've
always been completely honest with her in everything, so she should have been
as well. Her, however, you can't
be sure about, nor will you ever know.

Anything that comes between the two of you is pushed aside. You start
failing in your work, and you still think it's for the best. Then that day
comes. The day something monumentally bad happens. Something outside of
your relationship with her, but very important to your life nevertheless. It
is now make-or-break time, and unbeknownst to you, she's made up her mind:
You're history. She drops the occasional vague hint, which you pick up on but
choose to ignore. Then, just as you think things will get better, she says
the immortal four words that have meant the end of everything they ever
referenced: "We need to talk." You now know it's over, but you go into it
thinking that good things could still happen. Before you know it, she's
dropped you like hot glass and leaves you to clean up the mess on your own.

It's here that you start to think about what's really important in your
life, and whether or not you are where you want to be. And, in your
emotionally unstable state, this is where the big changes happen. Here is
where the realisation hits you like a bus:

You are the only one who can lead you from the darkness.

There, at that moment, you finally understand what you've been doing. You
chased the darkness, afraid to go into the light. At the centre of the path
of darkness you followed, you stop. You can't continue to live like this, or
you'll just get taken in again. You sit down, saying that it's time to stop
the running in the night.

You start to wonder if it's the right thing that you're doing. But before
you have the time to ponder that question, something catches your eye. It's
the light, coming over the horizon. Soon, you are engulfed in light, and you
finally get to see what you've been running from. Now you wonder why you
didn't do this sooner.

You can see the darkness disappearing in the other direction. You turn to
it, and say the thing that you have wanted to say for so long to all of the
pain and heartache you endured: Goodbye.