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Friday, January 28, 2011

How To Enjoy a Beer in the Shower

So our good friend Das Auto posed a great question yesterday in the comments section.

"As much as I would like to entertain the notion of drinking a beer in the shower, I'm a bit skeptical of this concept.

First of all, the issue of temperature is a rather prominent concern of mine. I need my beer *ice* cold for the purpose of maximum enjoyment of the beverage, but I need my shower absurdly hot to enjoy being pelted with water. I could see the conflicting temperatures being problematic.

Second of all, where do I put the beer? My bathroom doesn't seem designed for this type of activity. The soap dish is awkwardly shaped, and the side of the shower is too narrow. Putting it on the bathroom counter would work in a pinch, but then I'd have to exit the shower to retrieve it when I want a sip. This would cause me to get the floor all wet! I don't feel inclined to hold the beer while showering because this decreases my self-cleaning efficiency drastically, not to mention the heat-transfer I mentioned earlier.

So as you can see, I'm having difficulty figuring this out. How does one properly drink a beer in the shower?"

Personally, I prefer to park my beer next to the shampoo, as it provides a nice splash barrier, or beericade, just in case things get a little out of control with my loofah. Yes, I have a loofah. Kiss my well-Irish Spring-ed ass.

There’s no real strategy here. I try my best not to fill the bottle with tap water. But, alas, I’m in a shower. It happens. I sip, I get clean, and I get the hell out. Especially considering the pitiful amount of hot water available to me.

As always, Safety First.

If I was feeling particularly reckless, I’d probably pack a sippy cup. Who cares if I look like an overgrown, drunken toddler? It’s either that, or foray into the land of aluminum, but I’m just not a big fan of canned beer. But, if I had a feeble grip, or was prone to hydronarcolepsy, I guess there wouldn’t be much choice. However, suffering from either of those, I’d say my most pertinent worry would be to avoid prison showers.

Brandon brought up a good point in utilizing the shower caddy. However, it must be a fairly big shower caddy. (There are good prices at Target for the perfect caddy.) Big enough, anyway, to not seep shower water into your precious, precious beer. We're drinking Sam Adams, not Keystone Light (the water of beers). No water allowed.

Great, you might as well be drinking a Coors Light with all of that water drowning out your beer. Never do this.

Also, depending on how drunk you are, you run the risk of drinking your shampoo or soap. Always Shower Responsibly.

Speaking of soap,don't forget the soap dish. This is an equally terrible place to put your beer.

This thing already makes you look like an asshole when you try to reach for your soap and the bar just slips off. You want the same thing happening to your beer? This sweet liquid of the gods is for your mouth, not for the drain. Never put your beer here either.

So where can you put your beer? Well, unless you want to wash yourself with one hand, you have to be creative. If you don't care about looking classless, which might already apply if you're drinking in the shower, there's the infamous beer on the toilet trick.

What? You're not drinking OUT of the toilet. You're just using it as a big porcelain coaster. As long as you don't lick the bottom of the bottle like a retard, you're going to be fine.

Ultimately, how you shower with a beer depends completely on your bathroom/shower setup, which is entirely unique. So while I can't give Das Auto a definitive answer, I can say that creativity goes a long way. Especially if you want to reach for a really, really cold beer, but don't want it to get warmed up by your hot shower. How do I do it? I accomplish this by utilizing what makes us different from the animals, the ability to make and use tools.

The ever classy cardboard box stand, with an empty Kleenex box full of ice. Judge all you want, but the beer stays cold, and my shower stays nice and toasty warm.

So, how else would you guys shower with your beer, and what's your alcoholic drink of choice (shower or otherwise)?

Warning: We are both idiots, and wholeheartedly admit this. Do not attempt to drink in the shower without first consulting your doctor, or some other legal shit that keeps us off the hook if you hurt your dumb ass. Basically, we're not held liable for any awful mishap you have if you attempt this.

I'll address the temperature thing. The hot shower contrast with the cold beer is amazing. If you're worried that the beer will get to warm... drink faster. I also don't set down my beer while showering till it is empty. Wash afterwards. Beer is the drink of the gods so it obviously takes president.

You guys have really taken this drinking in the shower thing to a new level. I have had the occasional beer. Generally I do this when I'm on one of those out of town excursions and I'm trying to get a hangover. I've always put it on the opposite end of the shower from the faucet and then I'll aim the showerhead down as far as I can. Some water does get in there but not as much as you'd think. Besides, after a weekend full of imbibing I'm probably a bit dehydrated anyway.

I turn on the shower to get the water nice and hot. While waiting for that I am chugging an ice cold Heineken that I just pulled out of the fridge. By chugging it, I get a buzz and then fun things might happen in said shower especially if you have a hand held!!! hahahaha. You guys are too funny!

Haha.. love the empty Kleenex cooler-box.. You guys rock. Me? Why I have the butler stand outside the shower and as a sip is needed, a sip is given.. Of course he keeps the beer in an iced bucket.. For real guys, would I lie? :-)

The important thing for bottled beer drinkers (which is the only mother fucking way to drink a beer, in my opinion... you "canners" have no idea how contaminated that aluminum makes beer taste) is to put a snuggie coozie on the bottle (for grip purposes) and put it either in a shower caddie (well damn done) OR just take it with you into the shower with the preordained intention of killing it as you let ultra hot water hit the top of your head. If you can't drink a beer that fast, you can wait until you're out of the shower and sip one with your quiche, you panty waist...Coolest site I've see today, hope you'll follow me back to mine, because I'm coming back!

For I was blind, but now I can see! I thank both of you wholeheartedly for your detailed recommendations!

The suggestion of innovation really intrigued me. As it turns out, I have the tools and materials required to create a makeshift beer stand similar to the one in the picture! I'll be getting on that once I find my duct tape, and once I've had a few beers!

Wow...you got seriously inventive! I just go with the shower caddy or the ledge closest to the front of the shower and therefore less likely to get water spray in it. I love me a shower beer. I get that beer ice cold...the shower steamy and it's damn near heaven. I'm not in there for too long and I don't take all that long to drink a beer so it warming to undrinkable temps is rare.

All I'm hearing is shower snobbery but I reach for my beverage lying in the bath and at least half the time I find it and don't knock it over, but seriously this is an excellent post and I live for the days of showering again.