New Girl recap | “Quick Hardening Caulk”

In which a medicated Jess confesses her feelings to Nick and complications ensue.

Last night’s New Girl episode induced, amongst me and my fangirlish brethren (sistren?): screamy voice messages, giggling, hand-clapping, and obsessive rewatching. If you don’t like that sort of thing, this would be a good time to go get a cup of coffee and play some Words With Friends. The rest of you – gather ‘round. We have much to discuss.

Opening scene: Nick’s bar. 80s music plays as Schmidt drowns his sorrows in the sweet, emerald green oblivion that is melon liqueur. Melon Ball shots, to be precise. Nick questions his choice. “That is four proof, okay? That is safe to drink to drink while you’re pregnant.” [The opinions of Nick Miller do not necessarily reflect those of responsible adults and/or actual OB/GYNs.] Clearly, Schmidt is sad about Cece’s impending marriage. Schmidt denies it. There are so many other things to be sad about. “The Hobbit wasn’t very good. If I wanted to see dwarves in a real time dinner scene, I’d’ve gone to Korea Town. Booyah! BALL ME!” Oh, Schmidty. Where in Korea Town are you going?

Schmidt grabs the bottle of Midori and proceeds to nurse directly from it. “Can you get these toppy things off, Nick?” Jess tells him he looks like a lab rat. Nick says he’s adding it to the bill. Wait. Holup. A bill? Nick is charging his buds for drinks? The same Nick who once peed in the register? “Yeah, once. You think I was sober for that?” Seriously, though. Nick is actually trying to be good at his job for a change. He’s getting his shit together. Jess gazes at him dreamily as he starts talking about an idea he has for a new promotion: Guys’ Night!

All this talk of Nick being ambitious and driven has made something clear to Jess: she wants him. Bad. She tells Cece, who is spectacularly unsurprised. As it turns out, chicks dig men who work hard and have goals. Nick wanders into the room with a basket of laundry. Jess looks at him like he walked in carrying an armload of flowers and puppies. Men who launder are sexy. True fact. Then Nick asks where the iron is and Jess is forced to yell at him to leave. Lest her impulses get the better of her, no doubt.

At the bar, Nick introduces Schmidt and Winston to Shane, his new manager, who happens to be quite the hottie. It all makes sense to the guys now. Especially when Shane grabs Nick’s face mid-sentence and starts sucking on it. Is Nick’s new boss sexually harassing him? No. You can’t harass the willing. Nick has been serving her more than tasty beverages, it seems. And that bar top? Will never be the same. Shane: “I hope you gave that bar an extra wipe down.” Winston and Schmidt recoil in horror.

Sleeping with the boss? May not be Nick’s smartest idea ever. He doesn’t care, though. “I know this isn’t going to end well. But the whole middle part is gonna be awesome.”

To cheer Schmidt up, Winston takes him on a field trip to the aquarium. He is such a good bro. I would love for someone to take me to get snow cones and look at sea creatures when I am feeling down. Winston is the best. Schmidt, however, remains in a funk. Until. He spots a sexy, sexy lion fish. “So beautiful. Exotic. Perfect curves.” Yeah, this isn’t weird at all.

Schmidt decides he must have the lion fish. An aquarium worker informs him that that is not possible as it is a protected species. He’s obviously just being a meanie. Worker: “I’m so sorry, sir. This fish is protected by the great state of California.” Schmidt: “Gimme it!” Worker: “No?” Schmidt: “WHY CAN’T I HAVE THE THINGS THAT I WANT?!” Life The Aquarium is so unfair!

Nick enters the loft carrying a punching bag on one shoulder and a tool box in his other hand. Because … you know what? Who cares. He should just do that all the time for no reason.

Speaking of doing things for no reason, Schmidt has installed a fish tank in the middle of the loft. Nick is vehemently opposed. “NO! Absolutely not. You know I don’t trust fish! They breathe water. That’s crazy.” Schmidt says the tank is going to be the home of his lion fish, with its pert, round fish breasts. Just because he’s been told he can’t have it doesn’t mean he’s given up. He might not be talking about a fish.

Jess can’t seem to focus on anything Nick is saying. Nick notices that she seems a bit distracted. And fidgety. “You okay? You haven’t stopped moving since we’ve been talking. Nice looking dress. You look good in it.” Jess flees to her room.

Nick follows and asks if he can have a ride to the hardware store. He wants to get stuff so he can put up a punching bag at the bar for his Guys’ Night promotion. Can he? Please? Have a ride? Jess might be about to pass out. Especially when he puts his hands on her face to pick an eyelash off her cheek. Jess: “Why do you smell so good?” Nick: “Because I did laundry! I smell like a baby in a damn meadow.” See previous statement about men who launder. Also? Check it out. His undies are blue now. He unbuckles his belt to show her. “Hey, how do you put your underwear back in? It feels like it’s too big to put back in now. It’s tricky to get it in.” Is it, Nick? Fine. Jess will give him a ride. To the hardware store. Can they also stop to get a salad? He is killing Jess here! Also, he’s thinking about taking a vitamin. Jess storms off. Why must he be all hot and grown up now?!

At the hardware store, Nick is pulling some very heavy chain. Manfully. Jess is u̶n̶d̶r̶e̶s̶s̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶h̶i̶m̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶e̶y̶e̶s̶ ̶ watching. She decides they have to go, but Nick says they have a lot of stuff to get. Like a long shafted drive drill and a nut wrench. Jess: “Quick hardening caulk?” Nick: “You don’t wanna wait forever for that caulk to harden.” True. Jess needs to go cool off in the AC section. “Just remember, you caught him pleasuring himself to a mail-order steak catalog.” ????

Nick needs the cart. He’s got a big old pipe! Jess is so flustered at the sight of this that she knocks herself out with a piece of lumber.

Meanwhile, Winston has got something for Schmidt. A clownfish! Isn’t that nice? No. No, it is not. Schmidt: “I don’t want some janky, freshwater bitch fish, Winston. I want a lion fish!” Winston says cut the crap. They both know this is about Cece. Schmidt: “Cece the woman? You can’t put a woman in a fish tank, Winston. That doesn’t make any sense.” Yes. Winston is the one who is not making any sense. Schmidt reminds Winston that if there was something that would make Winston happy, he would absolutely help him to get it, no matter how stupid it was. Winston is forced to concede that point. Winston: “If I was doing something stupid, you’d definitely be involved.” Schmidt: “ Damn right, I would be. And I would probably be there to make it even stupider.” Fine. Winston is in. Man, I love these guys.

Jess is tucked up in bed with a massive bruise on her chin. Nick has brought her some hot soup. Jess is high on pain meds and low on inhibitions. She likes Nick. Like, a lot. In fact, “I wanna have SEX with you!” Nick: “Do you know what you’re saying?” Jess: “Yah-huh.” Nick: “Are you sure?” Jess: “I wanna have sex with you. Sexy time for you, says me. You are a beautiful white man, Nick Miller.” She’s doing her Judy Garland voice. Nick: “Yeah, it’s the pills.” Pain Med Jess is very grabby, it turns out. And determined. She tries to pull Nick into bed with her. Nick is trying valiantly not to take advantage of her since she is obviously impaired. Nick: “Hey, Judy. Let’s get ya to bed, doll. You are way too drugged up for this.” Jess: “This little piggy went to market!” Nick: “This little piggy can’t be touched by you right now.” Then there’s a bit of a scuffle and Jess ends up headbutting Nick, who plunges his hand into what is apparently some boiling hot soup.

Out in the living room, Winston and Schmidt are wearing wetsuits. Stupidity has commenced. Especially since Winston apparently left his cellphone in his pants and now Schmidt has to help him wrestle the wetsuit down over his hips. Nick doesn’t know what the hell is going on, but he has no time for this nonsense. Winston: “THAT’S MY ASSCHEEK!” Nick: “Stop saying that’s my asscheek and stop touching his butt!” Winston notes that Nick has a significant shiner. Schmidt is like, aw hell no. Nobody touches his boy. Schmidt: “That means we mean bidness. We doin’ this?” Schmidt. Always ready to bring more friendship stupidity.

Nick wants to know what it means if a girl on pain meds says she wants to have sex with you. Winston desperately hopes he’s not talking about Jess. Nick had no idea that the girl in question felt that way, so he sought, um, other opportunities. But if he’d known this girl was interested, he would totally prefer her. “If a girl on painkillers says she wants to have sex with you, is that the drugs or is that real? And if so, how do I end things with Shane before Jess finds out?” Oops.

Just then, Jess emerges from her room. What happened to Nick’s face? She does not remember bashing him in it. She can’t even feel her jaw because of the pain meds. “It’s like it never happened.” It’s like it never happened? Nick makes the freaked out face to Winston and Schmidt. What is going on here? Jess says she’ll see them at Guys Night. The guys tell her she should stay home and rest, but Jess just smiles and tells them they’re sweet. Nick is deeply confused.

Winston and Schmidt go to the beach to try to catch a lion fish. Instead, Schmidt gets stung by a JELLYFISH! Right in his face! AAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH! “It buuuuuuuuuurns! It buuuuuuuuurrns!” Schmidt needs Winston to pee on his face to neutralize the sting. Winston already went in the ocean, so he’s out. Schmidt: “You peed in the ocean? Disgusting!” (Ocean: disgusting. Schmidt’s face: A-OK. Got it.) Winston: “Look, this may be a dumb question, but would a number two help?”

Guys’ Night is a huge hit. Shane thinks Nick is a genius. She didn’t know you could make a $22 profit on nachos. Still, judging by the amount of free beer all the dudes are consuming, I think she may not be the best at mathing. Jess shows up and Nick tries to distract Shane by sending her for more cheese. Shane returns and slaps Nick affectionately on the ass. Jess is like, wut? Nick tries to cover by saying it’s a work thing. Shane is like a coach. They’re a team. To demonstrate, he slaps Big Bob, the other barkeep, on the butt. It’s not really working because Shane comes over and starts making out with Nick. Shane: “Yeah, we’re sleeping together.” Jess feels like an idiot. Nick is sorry. Jess says he has no reason to be. He’s a free man. Shane wants to know who this chick is. Nick clumsily introduces Jess as his room … friend. Big Bob takes pity on Nick and tries to help out by smooching him on the cheek. “I’m sleeping with Nick, too!” Nice try, Bob. Jess leaves. Nick runs after her.

Schmidt is in the hospital, having passed out from his traumatic jellyfish sting. Cece shows up with a lion fish. “One of the perks of being a model. You get to meet a lot of sketchy people. The guy who got me this also said he could get me a box of dolphin steaks or a mostly-white baby.” Winston thinks this is sweet, but Cece needs to give Schmidt some space. Cece wants to know why. Winston: “Cece. You’re getting married. It’s killing him.” And there it is. Underneath all the shenanigans and stupidity, these guys love each other. Winston doesn’t want Schmidt hurt any more than he already has been. Cece is sad, but she gets it.

Nick finds Jess back at the loft, eating ice cream. Nick: “I’ve got some explaining to do.” Jess: “Shut up.” She gives him crap about Shane’s name. “Who’s next Cody? Tex? The sheriff?” She’s being bitchy, and Nick takes it at first. But then he gets this look on his face like, fine. If we’re going to talk about this, we’re going to talk about it. Nick: “Hey, Jess. Last night, when you were on pills, you said you want me.” Jess: “Shut up.” Nick: “You put your hand in my pocket and you said this little piggy wants to go to the market.” Jess: “Shut up!” Nick: “Look, if that’s just something you were saying, that’s fine. That’s cool. We’ll move on and not talk about it. But it is something I’ve thought a lot about.” Jess wasn’t clear about what she wanted so his little piggy went to other markets. He just didn’t know. Jess wants to know what the hell he’s talking about. Nick: “Do you want to have sex with me? Yes or no?” Jess: “YES! NO! I mean, yes!” We will now pause for flailing.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jess did want to have sex with Nick when she thought he was getting his crap together. Because it was nice to see him trying at something. But then she found out it was just for his boss. Nick can’t believe this. He ain’t saying she a gold digger, but … Okay. Yeah. He is. He’s saying it. Nick: “You’re a frickin’ gold digger, Jess!” Jess: “WHAT.” If she were a gold digger, why would she be attracted to Nick? She’d be the worst gold digger ever! Nick can see that she’s bugged by his taunt, so he says it again. And he dares her to prove that she’s not.

She steps up and kisses him. At first, it’s tentative and then it gets crazy hot. It’s angry and desperate and it’s like they’re trying to eat each other up. Jess: “Ow! My jaw!” Nick: “Then move your damn head!” Jess: “Then kiss me like a man!” That’s it. Nick picks her up and lays her down on the dining table. (Which, GOOD GOD! Have mercy.) But then, “Ahhhh! My hand!” Jess: “Who burns their hand in soup?!” Nick: “I DO!” They’re still making out and shouting at each other and it’s weird but unbelievably sexy. Jess: “You’re a mess!” Nick: “You are so annoying with your shorts!” Jess: “Why are you so angry all the time?!” Nick: “Oh, just SHUT UP! Shut up and take off your clothes right now, and I mean it. Take off your clothes.” Female viewing audience: “You bet, buddy.”

Nick shoves a bunch of stuff off the table, which is hot as hell. More yelling. Nick is holding the nut wrench in his hand and waving it around, which is unfortunate because he is standing right next to the fish tank. And then … crash! Fish tank explosion. Nick: “I’ll go grab some paper towels.” Jess: “An aquarium the size of sixth grader just broke and you’re grabbing paper towels?!” Now they’re fighting for real. They stomp off to their separate rooms, each refusing to clean up the mess. Schmidt is going to have a conniption when he gets home. It won’t be pretty. Then Nick and Jess stomp back to each other for one last angry kiss before parting ways. They still piss each other off.

In the closing scene, Winston and Schmidt are about to set the lion fish, which Schmidt realizes is actually a symbol for Cece (duh) free in the ocean.

My assessment: A+. This episode delivered quite enjoyably on the will they/won’t they front with Nick and Jess, and managed not to destroy the tension but rather enhance it. Suck it, Moonlighting curse! I also really enjoyed the friendship dynamic between Winston and Schmidt. They are such adorable idiots. What did you guys think?

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Nanea Hoffman is the founder of Sweatpants & Coffee. She writes, she makes things, and she drinks an inordinate amount of coffee. She is also extremely fond of sweatpants. She believes in love, peace, joy, comfort, and caffeinated beverages.

Thank you for writing this! This will be our first Christmas without our mother (she died this August). It has been hard for me with my own depression because I'm that same way. I'll dance through the responsibilities and then WHAM the sadness settles over me like a dark cloud.