Game of Thrones S05E08 recap and review: 'Hardhome' (Spoiler alert)

Target acquired

Speaking of hit lists, time to check in with Arya Stark at Ninja Junior High. She's practicing the Game of Faces, spinning a bullshit hard-luck story in which she's a street kid named Lana. An urchin begging for money to buy oysters. It's a bit... fishy. Anyway, Arya is living out the lie in her mind, complete with costume change: she's becoming the oyster mogul of Braavos, building an empire out of nothing.

Jaqen is like, "We're gonna take Lana out for a test drive." Arya is all, "What's the mission?" Jaqen is like, "You'll find out..."

Sure enough, there's Ary-- er, Lana, plying the streets of Braavos, yelling, "Oysters, clams, an' cockles!" When a customer asks for an oyster, Arya expertly pries one open and hands it over: ninja training is obviously quite meticulous. The customer, whom Arya later calls The Thin Man, is an insurance broker who doesn't pay out when a ship sinks. That's when the surviving wives and kids of those lost at sea call... the A-Team. So now Ary-- er, Lana has to insinuate herself into The Thin Man's daily life until... poison! Arya adds the vial of poison to her inventory and walks away, hiding a smile.

The Waif appears out of nowhere (because this is Ninja Junior High) and tells Jaqen that Arya isn't ready for this level of ninja-ing yet. Jaqen implies that, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.

You have a visitor

Back in Church Jail, ex-maester Qyburn visits Cersei: "Bad news. The trial is soon. The High Sparrow has been reading Jordan's recaps, so the case against you is substantial. Fornication, treason, incest, and the murder of King Robert."

More news: Grandmaester Pycelle has summoned Cersei's uncle Kevin Kevan to serve as Hand of the King and preside over the Small Council. Meanwhile, says Qyburn, Tommen has been pining away in his room. Cersei decries the bogus nature of this whole situation. Qyburn says that there may be a way to get her out of jail. Cersei retorts, "If you suggest a rock hammer and a poster of Rita Hayworth, I'll instruct you to perform an autoerotic act that most deem physically impossible. Also, confessing is out of the question because fuck the High Sparrow."

Qyburn says, "I'm working on it. For now I must leave, but here's... Mean Nun."

Cuts you up

Another dark and awful place... oh, it's Winterfell! Reek is slinking into Sansa Stark's bedroom/cell with some tea. Sansa asks, "Theon/Reek/Whatever, why did you bitch out so hard when I asked you to help me?" Reek's like, "There's no ex-cape. Not ever. Theon tried to flee, but I got caught and then... well, it's a pretty famous scene. "

If Reek was looking for sympathy, he chose the wrong bedroom/cell.

Reek agrees: "I deserve to be Reek.I did some effed-up stuff. Like killing two randos and passing them off as Bran and Rickon. DNA testing hasn't been invented yet so I got away with it." Sansa demands to know where they are, but Reek has no idea because Bran's storyline hasn't made it into this season yet.

Elsewhere in Winterfell, Roose Bolton is going over his master plan for dealing with Team Sexy Witch Religious Fundamentalism: wait. Wait for Stannis Baratheon's army to freeze to death or mutiny. Oop north, that'll probably take around 11 and a half minutes. Psycho Hobbit would prefer that the Bolton-led army ride out and kick some Southerner ass: "Hit first, hit hard, and leave ... waitforit... A Feast for Crows." Hobbit reckons he can beat Stannis with 20 good men. I'm guessing he doesn't know about the witch.

Bad dads

Team Dragon Mama! Tyrion Lannister is drinking with Daenerys Targaryen. They're discussing whether or not Tyrion should be executed. Tyrion reckons Dani's and his dads were in lockstep on the issue. Dani asks why Tyrion killed Tywin.

Tyrion says he wants to see if Khaleesi is "the right kind of terrible: the kind who prevents his people from being even moreso." He tells her that Varys the Spider is the one who encouraged him to seek her out: "He was my traveling companion before Ser Jorah seized that role for himself. Varys and I hadn't even decided which of us was Chris Tucker and which was Jackie Chan. Anyway, he's probably the only reason you survived past infancy."

Eventually, Dani decrees that Tyrion shall be her new advisor... and that he has to be sober enough to advise in complete sentences.