I AM CAUGHT BEHIND THE FORMER IRON CURTAIN, AND MY POSTS CAN'T GET OUT.

I'LL TRY AGAIN NEXT WEEK FROM FRANCE.

SORRY 'BOUT THAT

Are People Really That Stupid?Fortunately, the answer to the above question is usually "No." However, people do enough fairly-stupid to seriously-stupid things to keep the rest of us entertained most of the time. Unfortunately, the human race is in the middle of doing a couple of really stupid things that may result in wiping ourselves off the face of the planet. Given this scenario, the blogger might be forgiven if the subjects he covers range from the sublime to the ridiculous. Feel free to join in. Maybe you'll say something smart.

A road trip of a couple thousand kilometres to central British Columbia last week allowed me to hone my skills at one of the favourite pastimes of Canadians: complaining about those asses who turn what should be a pleasant journey into a dangerous and nerve-wracking experience. (Pause to allow blood pressure to return to normal.) That’s right, I’m talking about the 5% of drivers who haven’t quite realized that there are other humans on the road with them, and that a certain amount of mutual consideration is what greases the axles of society.

This week, we’re going to look at three of these types I ran across (yes, ran across, not ran over. I ain’t admittin’ nuthin’), and discuss what might be done about them, besides consigning them to the seventh level of whatever purgatory they believe in.

1. The Lallygagger.

Lallygagging is a subtle technique, not dangerous in itself, but it has the insidious effect of causing other drivers to break the law. Out on the highway in an area where there are few opportunities to pass, and stuck behind a slow-moving vehicle, some people just seem to give up. They fall back farther and farther behind the slow one, watching the scenery, or texting their friends or whatever. So far, no problem.

Then along comes a sign indicating a passing lane in 2 kilometres. What most people do then is speed up to position themselves close behind the slow vehicle, so they can pass immediately, thus allowing those behind them a chance to do the same.

The lallygagger? He just keeps driving at his own pace, half a kilometre behind. So when the convoy finally reaches the passing lane, everyone first has to pass the LG, then roar up the road desperately trying to catch the slow vehicle before the lane ends. Like as not one of these cars ends up doing a ditch-defying pass as the lane squeezes closed. Since the slow vehicle is often a loaded 28-wheel super-B-train lumber truck, this can cause much more excitement than the average human heart needs in its lifetime.

The other effect of this activity is that because everyone is racing ahead to catch the slow truck, the usual sorting procedure that is supposed to take place in passing lanes doesn’t happen, so a third car may now become the slow vehicle, holding up all the other drivers.

The very worst of Lallygaggers is the sort that wakes up at the beginning of the passing lane and has the, “Oh! I’m really driving much faster than this,” reaction, and goes speeding ahead (not fast enough) to pass the truck, thus letting no one else by.

Solution?

There is no solution for these people. They are just plain selfish, and they aren’t really doing anything illegal.

All right, that’s my politically correct answer. The other one involves an AK-47.

2. The Tailgater

Speaking of how close people drive to each other, let us discuss this standard offender. Of course for the Canadian driver it’s only a bad habit. Not like in Europe, where tailgating is a way of life. Until you’ve driven down the slow lane of a deserted Portugese freeway with someone riding your bumper (not passing, just sitting there five metres behind you, kilometre after kilometre) you won’t understand what I mean.

But in Canada, the tailgater is just the guy who’s in a hurry and thinks that he has to be as close as he can, so in case a passing zone comes along he can get by as quickly as possible. If you disregard the possibility that you might brake suddenly to avoid a moose, he’s got a point. Besides the one on the top of his head. Unless you’re in the fast lane on the freeway, and it’s his cute way of informing you that he wishes you to get out of his way. In spite of the fact that there are seven cars immediately in front of you lined up to get by that truck in the slow lane. In that case, jump straight to the AK-47 gambit.

Fortunately there is a solution for this problem, already enshrined in the safe driving rules. Follow my logic, here.

Since it is assumed that there is always the possibility that another driver will make a mistake, the good defensive driver is expected to take responsibility for preventing an accident, no matter who is at fault, right? Of course.

In a tailgating incident, the law states that it is the responsibility of the driver behind to set the distance between himself and the car ahead. I believe one car-length for every 10 kilometres per hour of speed is the usual benchmark. However, if this driver does not set a safe distance, what should the good defensive driver in the front car do? He should take that responsibility himself. Since he cannot control the distance apart, then he must adapt his speed accordingly.

How would this work out in a real-life situation? If you follow the laws correctly, a driver who looks in his rear-view mirror and sees a car travelling 2 car-lengths behind him should immediately assume a speed which is safe for that distance. Which would be 20 km/hr. Danger removed.

Now, I know what you’re going to say. If this policy were to be followed, the number of road rage incidents would far outstrip any safety benefits accrued. However, I think if everyone was directed, nay, forced by law, to act this way, the offending tailgater would be much less likely to take offence, and many accidents would be avoided.

And if that doesn’t work, there’s always the AK-47. You know, sometimes I begin to see the American way of problem-solving. It’s so direct and simple.

3. The Slow-Mo Drag Racer.

I’m not talking about a teenager in the car with the flames painted on the side, burning rubber as he blows by you at a hundred klicks over the speed limit. I’m talking about the slow driver who pulls up on the freeway beside another slow driver, then slows just enough to stay there. Kilometre after kilometre, with other cars crowding up behind, too Canuck-polite to flash their headlights and blow their horns in good European fashion.

I suspect drag racers are basically asleep at the wheel (or talking on their cell phones) and just don’t notice what they’re doing. The other day I was in the slow lane and a driver cruised up behind me in the fast lane until he was exactly in my blind spot. He then stayed there for 6 kilometres (I clocked him) before finally passing me. Don’t tell me he was paying attention to his driving, or frozen in awe at the sight of my admittedly patrician profile. He just wasn’t paying attention at all.

The polite solution is the headlight-flashing trick. Of course, if this guy is not paying attention, he won’t notice. Likewise honking your horn, which rarely does any good, and just adds to the noise polition. Tailgating of the aggressive sort, combined with the two above techniques sometimes wakes him up, and you can always give in to the temptation to give his bumper a little nudge. Why did you have that hundred-kilo ‘roo-guard welded to your front bumper if you’re not going to use it?

And as a last resort, a few 7.6 mm rounds squeezed off past his left ear might wake him up. If it’s night, I have found that tossing in a few tracers in can really grab his attention.

If all us regular good drivers were to take the above hints to heart, driving would be a lot more pleasant, and everyone would get to their destinations much safer.

Yes, all in all, it was a fairly pleasant road trip, especially since it gave me the opportunity to let my imagination run wild.

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Gordon A. Long is a semi-retired teacher living in
Delta, British Columbia. There he indulges his life-long interests in writing,
theater, photography, travel, dogs, and sailing (not necessarily in that
order).

He also runs Airborn Press and helps beginning writers with
editing, proofreading, designing, publishing and marketing their books. His
business experience includes providing technical and management services in the
theatrical and convention field for forty years, from school and amateur
theatre all the way up to the 2010 Olympics.

Has he invested in the Stock Market? Yes. Was he successful? Yes. Did he
make a killing? Not a chance. He isn't that smart. Or that stupid.