Happy Wednesday morning! I had another special time at Morning Watch, even though there were a couple of glitches getting started. It’s such a special time for me, in the secret place with God. I know I’ve said it before, but I must say it again; it’s not’s a duty, it’s not a chore, it’s my pleasure to spend the early Wednesday morning hour in fellowship with the Lover of my soul, and those who are lovesick for Him. This morning was particularly healing for me, singing songs that have been lifting my soul and bringing me through everything.

I had a dream last week…not a bad dream, but waking up to the devastating truth that it was not real brought back all my first feelings of sorrow and grief of having lost my baby. I dreamed that I was having a baby and woke up just as I was about to deliver. And even though there were silly, nonsensical happenings in the dream, it felt utterly real – so real that I was completely dazed when I woke up. But then the weight of reality hit me like a hammer: It’s not real. I no longer have a baby. I lost her. And I heard again the words that the doctor had spoken to me, “Amanda, there’s no heartbeat.” I immediately got an aching tightness in my chest and it was hard to breathe, and I thought that I was going to burst with sobbing so I quickly got out of bed and went downstairs. All I could think was, “Why, God, would you let me dream that?” And as I sat there with my cries trapped in deep in my chest, and feeling like letting go and giving up, I heard the words of a Jon Thurlow song:

It’s not so much that I’m holding on, but that I’m being held on to. And just when my heart would faint, He is here with His rod and His staff and comforts me. He is with me in the night, in the valley of weeping, turning it all to joy. He doesn’t just give me mercy; He is Mercy. He is Joy, and He is Love, and alive in me. When I can’t find strength, strength finds me. And “I’m holding on to the love that has laid hold of me.”

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The thing about experiencing tragedy at the end of the year is that you can easily forget all the wonderfulness of the previous months. 2012 was a great year for us…getting settled in our new home, starting homeschool, introducing Judah to baseball and discovering his talent for it, letting Bella have at try at soccer and me at coaching, a summer full of fun, getting Bella into dance and watching her do something she loves, joining a homeschool group, having tons of birthday party fun, the homegoing of my grandmother, and so much more.

One of our greatest joys was discovering that we were expecting our 4th child. It was a very special time for us. Bella was getting ready to turn 4, and as the time grew closer, I asked her what she wanted for her birthday. Her response was always the same, “A baby sister.” It had started early that year when I was grocery shopping with the kids. We were in Sam’s and passed by a mother that had a tiny little baby girl in a stroller. Judah looked at me and said, “Look at that baby girl Mommy…I want a baby sister.” I reminded him that he had one, that Bella was his baby sister, but he responded with, “No, I mean a little one like that,” pointing at the newborn. From that moment, both Judah’s and Bella’s desire for a new baby sister only grew, and spread to Justice, and eventually to me and Jason.

So it was very special to us when we discovered that I was pregnant the week of Bella’s birthday. We shared our happy news at her party, and from then, our excitement and joy only grew. The kids talked about our new baby every day, especially Bella, who would often cry at bedtime that she missed her baby sister. (From day one, it was a baby sister. It didn’t matter how many times we explained to them that we didn’t know yet if it was a boy or a girl; they were certain it was a girl. And so were Jason and I.) She couldn’t wait to have her and made sure that every night when we prayed we thanked God for our new baby. And by the time Christmas was here, even Justice was saying that what he wanted for Christmas was his baby sister. She was already very much wanted and loved.

There are no words for the grief we felt when we got the news that are baby no longer had a heartbeat, so I won’t even try to convey it. Instead, what I’d like to share is the joy she brought us in the 12 weeks she was in our lives. Although we didn’t see her, or hold her in our arms, her life touched ours. She is forever a part of our family for she was created for eternity. I don’t understand why things happen the way they do, but what I do know is that my baby’s life will glorify the Lord. In this I have comfort, and I have joy.

So 2012 was a good year for us, a very good year indeed. It brought laughter and tears, and joy and sorrow. It brought me my second daughter, and her name is Arianna Joy, and I am forever grateful for her life.