I just had lunch with Jack Blitzer. We were talking about the Axe-Pullman account. And we were in a good restaurant, because Im Brett Deckers. In the good restaurant, where we were having a great lunch while we talked about the Axe-Pullman account, there were cloth napkins. When you have lunch with Brett Deckers, and you talk about the Axe-Pullman account, you had better not sit him down in front of a fucking paper napkin. Because if you do, youll be using that paper napkin to wipe your mouth after Brett Deckers makes you suck him off.

I talk about myself in the third person a lot, because Brett Deckers is bigger than you or me. When I say "He" and Im talking about "me", Brett Deckers, I capitalize it, just like Im fucking God in the fucking Bible. I never say "He" if Im not talking about me, because who the fuck is he if hes not Brett Deckers?

When I go to work, I ride in a big black car. Its got a bumper sticker on it that says "Honk if you want to be Brett Deckers," and its soundproof. It has to be because everyone wants to be me, because Brett Deckers is a Highly Excellent Person. When I turn on the TV and I see little starving kids in Somalia with heads the size of bowling balls and bodies the size of cellular phones, they say to me "Hey, Brett Deckers. Dont send me clothes, dont send me penicillin, dont send me fucking rice. Send me a little piece of your skin so I can paste it to my great big fucking forehead and think about how I can be Highly Excellent like you." But I dont do it, because Brett Deckers doesnt cut off his skin for anybody.

When I get to work my secretary, Rod Masters says, "Good morning, Mr. Deckers." He doesnt call me Brett because he knows if he did that hed come all over himself and ruin his business suit. Hes trying to be Highly Excellent just like me, so he doesnt want that to happen. But hed do it if I told him to. If I went in there tomorrow morning and said, "Hey, Rod Masters, why dont you come all over yourself right now," hed do it. It wouldnt matter if he was on the phone or what; hed blow his load right there. Then Id make an intern clean him off, while I had a snack and thought about how Highly Excellent I am.

When Brett Deckers is at work he doesnt do anything for anybody. People call my secretary and ask what they can do for me, and unless theyre as Highly Excellent as Brett Deckers I tell them to fuck off. On my nephews tenth birthday I called him up long distance just to tell him to fuck off, because what can he do for me? At exactly 12:15 every day, after I get tired of people asking what they can do for me, I take a great big shit. And to me its just a big turd, but to you its a sixteen ounce filet mignon. I can talk about things like my own shit and youll still respect me, because thats how Brett Deckers wants it to be.

After work, Brett Deckers goes to big important parties with big important people  investment bankers seven feet tall and professional basketball players who carry briefcases full of human hearts. At these parties, when everybody else is talking about big, important things, I talk about work. In the middle of a conversation with the president of the Peace Corps, the CEO of NBC, and the Shah of Fucking Iran, I say, "Hey, shut the fuck up. Lets talk about what you can do for Brett Deckers."

At the end of the party, Gloria Steinem comes up to me and says, "Hey, Brett Deckers. Isnt your entire world just a macho power fantasy that equates business acumen with sexual prowess?" And I say, "No, gorgeous" and we fuck. Brett Deckers doesnt make love, because Brett Deckers has plenty.

And when Brett Deckers fucks, I say words like "cunt" the whole time. Big, dynamic, excellent words like "twat" and "ass" and "wad." You think its romantic because when youre getting fucked by Brett Deckers you think what Brett Deckers wants you to think. And when you get fucked by Brett Deckers, I dont fuck you in the normal hole. I fuck you in a special hole that only Brett Deckers knows about. Its a Highly Excellent hole, that no one else will ever be able to find on you again.

And later, when you are pregnant with Brett Deckers Highly Excellent child, youll try to look back on your life and all you will remember is my day at work. And when you try to think of the time we met, youll only be able to remember having lunch with Jack Blitzer and talking about the Axe-Pullman account. And you wont care about your old life, because when youre Brett Deckers, theres no time to be anyone else.

Blackout.

"Brett Deckers: Highly Excellent"
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