Please Tolkien-ites out there- don’t be mad. I dig all the Lord of the Rings movies, and I’m a total fan of Hobbits. More the actual Hobbits themselves. I’ve never read any of the books. I’m more in love with the charm of the Shire and their furry big feet and their love of second breakfast. I’ve been partaking in second breakfast before I knew it was a ‘thing’.

We went as a family to The Hobbit over the weekend and overall it is a good movie.

But- my rambling brain and simplistic mind have a tendency to wander during long fantasy movies. I can’t help it. Also, the last 45 minutes I needed to pee, so I was really distracted. I hate getting up during movies, so I stayed in my seat and suffered. Thank heavens none of the final scenes had a rushing river or waterfall.

Spoiler alert-

Okay really? Is there a spoiler alert when it comes to a movie about a book? I mean, you either already know what’s going to happen or nobody really cares if you end up knowing what’s going to happen. AND, this is the first of three movies, so it ends in a cliff hanger of sorts. So you’re not getting any closure or resolution any way from the end of the film. I’m not sure how you can spoil a ‘non’ ending.

I was delighted to see that Hobbit Frodo makes an appearance in this picture. He’s my favorite Hobbit. Not only does he sport the Hobbit-Michael Landon shag so nicely, he has deep blue eyes and a miraculous complexion. Since this movie is to take place several years prior to the Lord of the Rings series, but in reality, the actors in this movie are a good decade older than they were in the LOTR movies, it’s a little unnatural. And Gandolf is starting to show his age more than his 800 years or whatever. But in Elijah Wood’s case, he has aged backwards. The boy doesn’t look a day over 19 and he’s already in his 30s. Did I mention his complexion? Seriously, what does this guy use? I want some.

I think Elijah Wood would make a fabulous addition to our family. He could be an older brother to Emma and Owen and like a little pet for me. I’m not sure where my obsession with him comes from, but it is purely platonic, you can understand, right?

Okay, then there’s all these dwarfs showing up at poor Hobbit Bilbo Baggins’ house. I don’t blame him for being upset that they went through his pantry and ate all his food and messed up his doilies and bathroom with goodness knows what #1 and #2 a dwarf can make. I can only imagine what dwarf poop is like. And we aren’t talking cute little lawn dwarf garden gnomey types- these are rugged, outdoorsey, stinky hairy dwarfs. What is up with their facial hair? They all have weird names like Dingey, Wingey, Flingey and Thrain. Sort of. The head dwarf is named Thorin or thomething. Every time thomeone talks around him it thounds like their lithping.

So they go on this ‘unexpected journey’ which sounds like the only person who wasn’t expecting it is Bilbo. Everyone else was expecting and planning on it. But it would be weird to call the movie, “An unexpected journey for Bilbo Baggins but all the other characters know about it.”

Let me summarize- on their journey, they encounter trolls, goblins, orcs and elves. Elves are good. But the dwarfs are pissed at the Elves for not helping them out when the dragon invaded their mountain village long ago.

Elves are probably the most in conjunction with my lifestyle. I would be a vegan elf wearing long yards of chiffon and skilled artisan crafted gold jewelry. And by the way, during the entire Cate Blanchett elf scene, I kept obsessing over HER complexion. I know she is the spokesmodel for SKII skin care and I kept looking at her milky white skin. Trust me, I’m very close to ordering some for myself, but I hesitate, knowing this is a movie folks, I can’t be suckered into every product especially when there’s CGI involved. Have you figured out by now that between Elijah Wood and Cate Blanchett I’m considering kidnapping them both and wearing their skin? It’s kind of obvious isn’t it?

The arch enemy of the movie is the Pale Orc. He’s a nasty bugger that has a bone to pick with Thorin head dwarf. I won’t go into details, but Pale Orc looks like they took the skin from my abdomen and peeled it over his body. It’s pale and full of silvery stretch marks. Not pretty. Not that orcs are ever pretty, but this one is particularly ugly. I think he could’ve been a little uglier and hairy-er. They kind of held back on this guy if you ask me. I remember in LOTR when the orcs rose out of the ground all muddy and gooey. This guy was quite dry and non-muddy. Maybe he is an orc that bathes?

Lots of dirt, orc snot and dwarf hair later, there’s some epic battles and a goblin king that kind of looks like Jabba the Hut in a diaper. Or Old Uncle Bob with a giant goiter. It’s not pretty.

I saved the best for last- Gollum. Poor little Gollum. Maybe some of you aren’t so sympathetic to him, but I see an infant old man child that needs some klonopin and maybe some long johns and a poncho. His big blue eyes, not like Frodo’s blue eyes, but still, they tug at my heart strings. And then greedy little Bilbo had to go and steal his ring. Hindsight says that was a big mistake. But just watching little Gollum shed a tear made me think of Dobby in Harry Potter. Of course, Dobby had more teeth and even a pillow case to wear. I still think Gollum would be friendlier if someone brought him a Snuggie. It’s probably really cold in that dark, wet cave.

By the time the movie ended, not only did I have to pee like something fierce, I had that movie snack malaise that comes with the poor decision of snarfing down a tub of buttered popcorn and a KitKat bar. The only thing in my favor was that the tub was being shared by four people and McSweetie hogged most of it. I’m sure he thought he was doing me a favor.

I was happy to find a restroom which of course had a line and no toilet paper. Also, getting actual food in my system was necessary. If they show a Hobbit movie, that’s 3 hours long, there should be an intermission with tea and scones provided.