Sunday, February 24, 2013

There is something you must learn now if you did not know already. You absolutely can not keep a good biddy down. It is just a fact. Abuse her or misuse her but a good biddy will dry her biddy tears, grow her biddy wings again, find your car... and key the shit out of it. No, we are not crazy...just emotional.

Then, directly after keying said car (you know, the one you pretended was so hot and manly, but really looks like a little vagina on wheels) take to your blog. There is no better remedy than trash talk and mindless babble. It will fix any biddy ailment, anytime, anywhere...guaranteed.

Just let it all out...

When all else fails, there is always a bottle of wine and any guy on your contact list who is DTF. I suggest the mass text "Hey, what r u doin? :)" See who bites the bait, if you will.

In the news lately I have been reading about a lot of misguided biddies. Biddies who took the turn for the worst, if you will. I read an article about a kindergarten teacher who (with the help of the school nurse) tried to hire a hit man to kill her ex-husband. Turns out the hit man was actually an undercover cop (ugh, I HATE when that happens). Biddies near and far, please hear this if not anything else: no man is ever worth your jail time. Kill him with your words, not with guns. (Voodoo dolls work too). If only she had read my words of wisdom before she had gone all coo-coo crazy on us. Another biddy lost.

Another thing we must be aware of during this trying time is your inevitable attraction to Taylor Swift's music. It is an embarrassing thing we have all faced. Do not feel alone. At the same time, you must resist the urge to play this distasteful nonsense. You may think posting lyrics of "Picture to Burn" to your Facebook profile is a good idea but trust me when I say you are wrong. T-Swift is a disease, and you absolutely must protect yourself from her and all that she does.

Ugh.

Okay so, you might be wondering why I made the title of this post "It was the best of times, it was the best of times." The entire post is clearly talking about distress and adversity. You know, boys ruining lives and what not. The truth is, I actually began this post with a very different title. Instead, I wrote "It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times." However, I soon realized how untrue that really was. The fact of the matter is that no matter how hopeless you feel, things are never half as bad as they seem. We all feel broken from time to time but that is not a tragedy. It was Leonard Cohen that said "There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." There will be light, there always is. And if you can not see it just yet, give it some time to seep in through the holes.

Friday, February 8, 2013

As promised, I am bringing to YOU my list of the five people I love most in this world (at the moment). With Valentine's day fast approaching I thought to myself, "Self, what better way to celebrate?" I have literally been racking my brain, thinking of who these people are. Who do I love?? I will tell you now, the people that I find tolerable are few and far between. But with a little hard work and a little bit (maybe a lot bit) of alcohol, I put together a cute little list. Here it goes... the five people I love most.

1) Ryan Fucking Gosling

Excuse me while Drake and I serenade Prince Ryan just a little bit...

Okay, Ryan Gosling is one of the most beautiful creatures in the whole entire world. Color me shallow, but that is all you really need in a guy. He is what I would like to call "the whole package"... meaning he's got hot abs & a hot face. I have seen every single one of his movies (I can not tell you what any of them are about but I enjoyed the hell out of them). I was thinking we could have a coffee or drink sometime Ryan...

...that works fine too.

2) Kristen Wiig
Not going to lie, I felt a little sexist when I made this list because I only came up with one woman who I could say with full confidence that I love. I mean there are many women who I like and all that but there are so few women that I love nowadays (hey, I'm not a women's study major, hop off my dick!) However, I have got mad love for Kristen Wiig.

Bridesmaids is and will forever continue to be one of my favorite movies of all time. I do not watch Saturday Night Live but this movie completely won over my affections. Kristen, I am currently accepting applications for a best friend position. Perhaps you should have your people talk to my people? 3) Sheldon Cooper
I freakin' love Sheldon Cooper. I know he is fictional and all that but if there was a way I could make any fictional person real, you better believe I would choose Sheldon Cooper.

My love for Dr. Cooper is a little bit narcissistic, I'll admit. I think he just might be my spirit animal. I mean, minus the whole physicist aspect and I suppose for argument's sake I will not go ahead and call myself a "genius" (well, I would call myself that but that is an entirely different argument altogether), we seem to be cut from the same cloth. I am incredibly socially awkward (HELLO, that is why I blog) and people tend to find me quite annoying. And here's the part that makes us INCREDIBLY similar...

4) T.I.
Did you think I was going to forget about you T.I.? Many have, I am sure, but trust me when I say I can never forget. I feel like I have taken a few too many lady Viagras because even though it has been years since we have heard from this stud, I still have a raging female boner for him. His name is actually Clifford Joseph Harris, Jr. for long, but his friends, fans and future wifey (me) call him T.I.

I remember they locked you up for owning a machine gun or ten but I do not see the problem. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a man who has a hobby. I miss you, T.I. Come back to Jules... unless you are still in jail. In that case, stay put. I can wait.

5) Benjamin Franklin

GIFS are just too main stream for B Franks. This man holds a special place in my heart at the moment. As us Northeastern folk brace ourselves for this Nemo business (No, I will not make a Finding Nemo joke like the rest of you plebeians on facebook insist on doing. Yeah, that's dumb. Stop), I find that it is important that we honor him for his accomplishments. Along with other discoveries and inventions, Benjamin Frankling made discoveries involving electricity. HELLO, the lightning rod... that is some cool ass shit. As a huge fan of electricity, I want just say thank you and I love your work. And... I am going to miss it very much when we will YET AGAIN be experiencing what will most likely be a week long power outage (as we did during Hurricane Sandy Vag).

I must go now. Too much love, it is making me sick.

But I have to, Ryan. I must now fill every container I own with water and sharpen my bow-and-arrow so I can kill myself dinner for the week.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

First he brought it back... now he decided to take that shit back again. What Justin Timberlake giveth, Justin Timberlake taketh away.

I can not believe I am about to write a whole blog post about Justin Timberlake and company. I will make this snappy, of course. Never did I ever think it would come to this. However, I found this vital after listening to this new nonsense that Justin Timberlake put out...alongside someone who should have been on my "honorable mention" list of my least favorite people: Jay-Z.

...look at you rockin out. "Best rapper alive" MY FOOT. What is even up with those glasses? I can't.

But, I digress. Don't get it twisted, I have never been much of a Justin Timberlake fan. Back in the days of NSYNC he was not my pick... No, people, I only had eyes for one man and one man only. His name was Lance Bass. I wanted to do dirty, dirty things to him. And by dirty I mean hold hands... or feed our Tamagotchis together or something.

...My bad? GAWD GAYYYYY!!!

HE MOVED INTO THE CITY AND NOW HE'S GAY!!! So it turned out that Lance Bass wanted nothing that I have...so I guess I had to move on. But Lance, I just want you to know, if you ever come over to the dark side... you know where to find me.

You best believe that I was not team Justin during the whole Britney break up. That's my girl right there, I will defend her to the death. However, Justin and I put our differences aside when he released his FutureSex/LoveSounds album.

He had some hot beats, not gonna lie to you for a minute. Bravo, JT...BRAVA. But I have said it once, and I will say it again: with great power, comes great responsibility. JT could not live up to his responsibilities as a "Sexy-ness provider," so to speak. It is because of this album that I had such high expectations for Justin Timberlake's new shiz... and he went and disappointed a ho with this "Suit and Tie" bullshit. It was my first boner kill of 2013. Do not get me wrong, a lot of people like this song. However, please tell me I am not alone on this. Please tell me there is someone out there who agrees that JT should take a step back?

Also Justin, the acting thing... meh. I am not really feeling it. I guess it was cool that you played the Napster guy, but please keep your hands off Mila Kunis. She is a saint.

This leads me to pose my final question. Where has all the good music gone? Where is Nelly Furtado and Timbaland? Where is my Eminem (Yeah, I said it)? The Pussycat Dolls? I will even take a lip syncing Beyonce over this crap. I just want some good, catchy, stupid music to listen to and dammit I will get this if it is the last thing I do. All I hear these days is Justin Bieber and that annoying cat Bruno Mars. GET IT OUT!