Baroque, I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit, you are talking to him because of the lonliness, talking to him is instant gratification, because he is appearing to make you feel better, you are happy, but then you come down from it, and you feel worse.

Getting over this is like getting off of a drug, you are addicted to him, you are addicted to the attention he gives you. But, like any drug, it makes you feel worse after.

Why are you talking to him. I want you to post in here, why it is you are contacting him. Why would you do anything he says? Why are you allowing him to treat you like shit? WHY. You NEED to answer these questions. This is not LOVE. He is using you, treating you like anything. Like GT said previously, he put a time limit on his love, he told you he fucked his ex. Aren't you worth more than this?

And if his family doesn't want him to talk to you, they are doing you a favour!

You have to block him, if he wants his stuff back, he can contact one of your friends. By begging him to get back with you, you are giving him the power. You are playing into his games.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling this way? I can guarentee you, that if you can back with him, that's when people will walk away. Do you think he is worth loosing everything for?

baroque

Feb 23 2009, 09:45 AM

deleted!

baroque

Feb 23 2009, 09:49 AM

deleted!

roseviolet

Feb 23 2009, 10:00 AM

Wow, the fabulous advice & support just keeps flowing in here.

((((((((((((Baroque))))))))))))))))))))

Do you watch Project Runway? Because I was just reminded of something I heard Tim Gunn say on that show last year.

I'm guessing you've been to the zoo before. So you've probably walked into that one building where they keep the monkeys. And the first thing that hits you when you walk in is the STENCH. It's terrible! It smells soooooo bad! You feel tempted to leave, but you stay. The longer you stay in the monkey house, the less you notice the smell until eventually you don't notice it at all anymore.

And I think that's part of the problem. You've been in the monkey house too long. You don't usually remember that a better world is just waiting out there for you - a place where you can breathe easier than you imagined possible. It's all waiting for you. You just have to take those steps. You need to walk out & fill your lungs with the sweet fresh air of freedom. And then you must make sure you DON'T turn around & go back into that monkey house!!!

I know that deep down there is a voice inside of you that is crying out, begging you to leave. This is a good voice. A voice that is speaking out of pure love for you. This is the voice that doesn't want you to walk on eggshells anymore. This is the voice that misses your laughter. This is the voice that wants to feel you walking tall. Listen to that voice. It's always with you.

And stay out of the monkey house! Tell yourself that every time you're tempted to communicate with him. STAY OUT OF THE MONKEY HOUSE!!!!

To the amazing people in here giving such priceless advice: I can tell from what you've all said that you've learned this the hard way. You've lived through very similar situations & have felt this pain first-hand. I just wanted to acknowledge you - all of you who've also been there before, who finally allowed your inner voice to come through & say "No more", who started on the path to a happier healthier life. You are all amazing & I'm honored to be in your company.

girltrouble

Feb 23 2009, 01:38 PM

*sigh* rosey, i lurve you.

as an aside, and slightly OT, can i say in instantly lose trust in any guy who calls his ex gf "crazy" in a bad way. rarely (like .02%) are they really crazy, usually it's the guy driving them nuts. and it's totally self serving-- they use it to absolve themselves from their part in a fucked up history....if there are fire arms involved, and she brought 'em to the party, then you can say she's crazy. otherwise, stfu.

that is a BIG TIME PET PEEVE of mine.

/rant

baroque

Feb 23 2009, 01:42 PM

deleted!

Persiflager

Feb 23 2009, 02:59 PM

Wooo! Go baroque! That is really, really good. You are totally an intrepid explorer, and he is a scummy swamp-person on the road behind you shouting "Hey! Don't go over there to that cool stuff! Come over here so that I can drag you down into my rancid swamp!"

I also meant to post earlier to say how impressed I am that you've managed to stay professional and not let this crap affect your work.

[Ohh girltrouble, I'm with you on the 'crazy' ex-girlfriend. That's always been a major red flag to me, and sadly I've always been right. I have known boys with genuinely crazy exes, but they didn't refer to them that way.]

starship

Feb 23 2009, 03:13 PM

(((baroque)))

god, i <3 busties

girltrouble

Feb 23 2009, 09:36 PM

where is my pugs?i miss you sassypants

i'm so happy for you baroque. we're pullin' for you, chickie!

QUOTE

I know that deep down there is a voice inside of you that is crying out, begging you to leave. This is a good voice. A voice that is speaking out of pure love for you. This is the voice that doesn't want you to walk on eggshells anymore. This is the voice that misses your laughter. This is the voice that wants to feel you walking tall. Listen to that voice. It's always with you.

this almost made me cry, damn you, rosey.

kittenb

Feb 23 2009, 10:49 PM

baroque - congrats on the time you have been able to fight the temptation. Any progress is progress. Keep up the fight you intrepid explorer! Please keep us posted.

By the way, thank you for the offer but I cannot knit and I have given up on crocheting a sweater. I will stick with crocheting socks, toys, small blankets and scarves. No blocking needed and guage isn't as important.

culturehandy

Feb 24 2009, 09:06 AM

I'd also like to know where things with Pugs are at, how are you feeling dearie??

Baroque, how are you finding things today??

RV, I've never thought of things in terms of a monkey house metaphor, but damn if I don't love it. What a good metaphor!!!!

roseviolet

Feb 24 2009, 09:44 AM

I, too, was thinking about Pugs this weekend. I'm afraid that Sunday may've been the day when she & Mr. P were supposed to have their wedding, so it could have been an especially tough time for her. LMP, wherever you are, we love you!((((((((Pugs)))))))))))

(((((((Baroque)))))))Stay strong!

Thanks for the sweet compliments, everybody. I don't know about you, but sometimes silly things like the monkey house metaphor help me a lot when I'm going through a tough time.

sybarite

Feb 24 2009, 03:34 PM

Baroque, your last post sounds so strong and positive, which is awesome. Keep on taking care of yourself and let that intrepid feeling grow. I found work a solace actually and am glad you do too (((you)))

GT, totally (totes even ) with you on how insidious the crazy card can be. I have heard it used, unwarranted, to dismiss women too many times. Same ballpark as calling women hysterical in the 19th century if you ask me.

(((RV))) for your comments as much as for the metaphor... and back atcha too.

candycane_girl

Feb 24 2009, 07:33 PM

Just to let you all know, Pugs replied to one of my posts in the Bloody Grrrls thread yesterday. As for how she's actually doing, I don't know.

baroque

Feb 25 2009, 02:15 PM

deleted!

LoveMyPugs

Feb 26 2009, 07:06 AM

QUOTE(roseviolet @ Feb 24 2009, 09:44 AM)

I, too, was thinking about Pugs this weekend. I'm afraid that Sunday may've been the day when she & Mr. P were supposed to have their wedding

It was actually supposed to be this Saturday, February 28th.

As of right now, my situation hasn't changed. I can't find a place to stay. Mr. Pugs and I are still playing house.

Persiflager

Feb 26 2009, 08:16 AM

((((pugs))))

That sucks major balls. Have you made any plans to get out of the house on saturday?

girltrouble

Feb 26 2009, 03:33 PM

(((((((pugs)))))))

so sorry. i'm with persi. can you find somewhere else to stay for the weekwnd?

roseviolet

Feb 26 2009, 04:02 PM

((((((((((Baroque))))))))))))Hope you're doing okay today.

((((((((((((Pugs)))))))))))))Add me to the list of people who think you need weekend plans that will get you out amongst loved ones. Do you have some girlfriends to hang out with? Maybe you could spend the time with family? If you're in the mood for a road trip, you can drive the 6 hours down to my house. We can go to Drag Queen Bingo or just plant ourselves on the couch & watch bad movies. Whatever you want.

A few years ago a friend of mine called off her engagement about a month before the wedding. On the day that would have been her wedding day, we gathered together a bunch of gal pals and got her an un-wedding cake from a local bakery. It was a tough day for her, but she said it was a lot easier because she was surrounded by people who love her.

rose beat me to the punch...i hope you are well pugs. know you are loved.

culturehandy

Feb 28 2009, 07:13 PM

((((pugs)))) hope you are well hun.

Baroque, how are you holding up??

foryoursplendor

Mar 1 2009, 10:35 PM

Ok so its taken me a long time to be able to share this stupid video that I made. I had a terrible boyfriend a while back. I drew some mean cartoons about him, made up a little song and put it all into a video. It really made me feel a lot better. I went from absolutely hating him to feeling indifferent

That hat. Oh my god, that hat! That was great. Thanks for giving me my first laugh of the day, FYS.

zoya

Mar 3 2009, 07:01 AM

ok, this is so insignificant compared to everyone else's stuff, but I just need to vent...... went to the movies last night with a couple of girlfriends for a special screening.. during the previews, in walks R, a group of friends with him, and sits right in front of us. They didn't see us in the theatre, as it was dark, so they had no idea - but afterwards, when we were walking out and getting ready to call a taxi, they walked out. We all chatted for a bit (everyone knows each other) then they offered us a ride - they were split between two cars, and one of my friends engineered it so that I'd end up in a different car from R... it was so rough, because his group were all going back to his for drinks - and going to that movie, with those friends, then going back to his after, was exactly the type of thing that I'd be part of just a couple months-ish ago. Since the whole break-off thing, it's been total cold turkey - this is the first time I've run into any of them.

Also, part of the group was this girl that I'd always had kind of a vibe that she was kinda gunning for R... I mean, it's obvious that he's known her for awhile, and his other friends are pals with her too - and clearly he chose to be with me and made no effort to hide it or anything if we ran into her, so I wasn't worried - but I'd just always had a vibe about her. While I was around, we'd run into her out and about and chat, but she never came back to his place to have drinks or anything (a normal occurrence with that group of friends) Last night, she was one of the people driving, (R and some other people were in her car) and telling everyone they'd meet up at R's, and she certainly wasn't as chatty with me as before when I was with R, it was almost like she was acting guilty or something. Plus one of R's friends' girlfriend, who'd never known this girl when I was hanging out with R, was now kinda chit chatting with her, while being a bit awkward with me. I don't know that anything is going on between this girl and R, (they weren't sitting next to each other in the movie or anything) but it's obvious that they hang out in the same group more now just by the way she was talking about things.

It just hurt. I know I conducted myself well, I was just probably a bit more quiet than usual- but it just sucked. It's so easy to say to myself to just get over it, this is just how things get. People don't know how to act, things get a bit weird - it's rough, though. I know that I couldn't expect him to ask me round or something like that - but it just hurts to see that whole dynamic that I was a part of that got cut out cold turkey by him. And it's completely obvious to everyone that we don't talk anymore at. all. That pretty much sucks. We barely even said Hi to each other.

He's had these friends for years, I've only been here for a little over a year, so it's just a much easier thing for him in that respect. Sometimes I wish I'd just stayed stronger about not crossing the line into a physical relationship for longer (hey, a month is a long time for me!) and just stayed friends with him. At least I'd have his friendship now and not be in a place where we can't be friends.

anyway, sorry, just needed to get that off my chest. No, his actions weren't consistent with someone who wanted to be in a relationship, I get that - but I do miss him as a person - interacting with him on a creative basis, talking, etc. A lot. and seeing that clearly he doesn't feel the same hurts a lot too.

Persiflager

Mar 3 2009, 08:54 AM

(((zoya)))

That really sucks, especially when you're (relatively) new in town. But yay for having nice girlfriends to go to the movies with, and to organise the car-sharing for minimum zoya-pain!

girltrouble

Mar 3 2009, 12:28 PM

((((((Z)))))))

maybe you'll be able to get back to that friendship after more time has passed, you know?

it's only been a couple of months, right? those people all know each other, so you can always move that direction when things are more solid. plus, you have to think, if everyone is a bit weird about being around you, it's cos they know how much he liked you, you say that he was uncharacteristically open about how he felt about you. you know friends rally around their friend after a break up, that's to be expected, particularly with guys, and they don't know how you are going to react, but he can't show if he misses you as a friend. with guys, especially since you broke up with him. there is a lot of pride there, his masculinity, is involved--believe it or not. with guys it's keeping up a certain facade. give it time and that will fade, you'll be less of a threat to that, and you can rediscover a friendship there.

but his friends-- they just want to keep him from hurt like your friends did with you. but i think that your friends fell in together so easily--that's a very good thing. again, give it more time. i have a feeling when everyone feels like the "danger" has passed, you'll bump into him and his friends, and it will be fine. you'll get to hang out at his place, but minus a LOT of the hurt you feel now-- and that's much better for you, chickie.

i know it doesn't feel like it, but you're still fresh off this one, still licking those wounds. i know i get the urge to hit that rewind button and think of how i should have done it, or push that fast forward button, to get to better times. you'll get there, but you know you need that time. you might find it's not what you want or need.

Persiflager

Mar 3 2009, 02:52 PM

Finally got home and could watch FYS's video, huzzah! That is magnificant.

futura

Mar 4 2009, 05:25 AM

((((Zoya))))That is rough.

(((Pugs)))

zoya

Mar 4 2009, 08:00 AM

GT - He actually broke up with me. I was cool with going along, I thought we were going along - slowly, but just seeing where things went. I didn't really have the inkling that his backing off wasn't just the sort of normal pull away a bit for a day or two then bounce back like he usually did. After about 3 weeks of very little contact and seeing him twice, I could just feel something was up. Then we had "the talk" then we got through new years parties, then he broke up with me.

StarLightBright

Mar 4 2009, 03:35 PM

lol Xs are some how always around and they can some how always find a way to get to our heads...I've figured out that the only way to get rid of an X is to accept it and move on and have NO contact with them at ALL thats what kills it all having contact with an X is the worst thing to do...i have non with mine anymore...and the worst thing ever to do is to sleep with ur X...

bunnyb

Mar 4 2009, 05:55 PM

yeah, zoya, just so you know .

(((zoya)))

auralpoison

Mar 4 2009, 06:11 PM

Nice ouroboros, Futura.

(((((Zoya)))))

baroque

Mar 4 2009, 10:39 PM

hi all,

(((zoya)))i hope you're feeling better. seeing an ex seems to stay awkward and sometimes painful for a long time. i've found, though, that the first run-in is definitely the worst. you already know this of course, but it will be easier later.

that is my sad attempt at a response - they'll get a little more wordy as time goes on. but at the moment i'm sort of eyebrows deep in a pretty awful depression. it got really scary for a while but i think i'm holding steady now. i'm sorry i never updated - i would come here and open a box and then honestly couldn't think of a single thing to put in it. i've been lurking though.

not sure how to talk about anything i'm feeling, so i'll just say this: i'm trying. and i read this forum, every day, and feel thankful that there are so many people out there that are kind enough to support each other. it's very reassuring and makes me feel far less alone.

xoxox

ps if you're interested in how much of a damaged romantic i am, you can go here and read all my maudlin shit. myfreckledthroat dot blogspot dot com

Persiflager

Mar 5 2009, 06:28 AM

Wooo, hey baroque!

*waves wildly*

It's good to hear from you - I've been thinking of you, and hoping you were ok.

How's work going? It sounded as if that was helping you get through the days.

I know it all feels so horrible and unending now, but it. will. pass.

(((baroque)))

P.S. By the way, there's a depression thread in 'Our bodies, Our hells' if you want more specific advice from others in the same situation. Are you getting any help at the moment?

baroque

Mar 5 2009, 01:18 PM

hihihi - so sweet of you to reply. i sure hope it gets better soon. i'm a drag, this is a drag, i'm a total zombie and i want to have a day that doesn't include crying.

i'll read the depression thread for sure. i've also been looking at books on being addicted to people. i have this resistance to buying into the idea, but i'm not sure why.

and yes, wellbutrin wellbutrin wellbutrin.

any ideas of good break up films or books to make me feel better, anybody? i've already read shopgirl like 6 times.

kittenb

Mar 5 2009, 01:26 PM

baroque - I am glad that you checked in as well. It will get better. It might not be as soon as you want it to be, but it will get better.

Persiflager

Mar 6 2009, 05:11 AM

Hmm, good breakup films and books....

When I'm in the initial crappy pit of awfulness, I usually just want things to distract me, so I go through a lot of DVD boxsets. Anything that's kick-ass and not soppy, so Buffy, Alias, Veronica Mars. Films-wise I go for anything funny or action-filled that doesn't require much introspective thought, so Underworld, Anchorman, Kill Bill etc. For books I go for a bit of Agatha Christie or Stephen Fry - they always cheer me up.

Last time I came across the breakup girl website and got addicted to reading through the archives of advice letters.

Anyone else got any ideas?

period_monster

Mar 6 2009, 05:30 AM

not exactly the right medium, but Veruca Salt's Resolver has helped me through a couple of relationship ends. You might want to check it out... Music to get off your ass and get good and mad. Seriously, the soundtrack of a couple of sad months of my life.

candycane_girl

Mar 6 2009, 12:02 PM

I always liked Closer because I kind of felt that it was anti-love. It just shows how much it hurts and how no one is ever better for it in the end.

girltrouble

Mar 6 2009, 12:56 PM

usually i can rattle of a list of films for any occasion, but that is a rough one. i usually don't like sap, romantic films so it never occurs to me when a film is anti love. wasn't there a few abusive boyfriend/revenge movies a bit ago. you know there was one with j lo another with what's her face judd...

but hooray for you, baroque. it does get better, it may not feel like it but it is what is best for you. you are saving yourself so much time not retreading this a couple of times. my break up with mr. t i think has took for real this time. it's probably too soon to tell since last time i was serious i was away from her for close to a year, and then, stupidly got back together with her. *sigh* i hate that i keep making the same mistake. my problem isn't that mr. t is bad per se, she's just not very good for me. she's super supportive, but she's got a knack for self-sabotage, and well she pulls me down into that. it's hard to explain, but her impulses are probably the worst for me--

--and we've been hanging out lately. no romantic feelings, i remind myself why i can't date her, and work hard on my own shit, and that seems to be the trick, i just don't want to have to climb out of that same damn hole for the 5th time. there is a reason i broke up with her....

ok: new rule. i can hang out with her only once every 2 weeks for the next 3 mos.

bunnyb

Mar 6 2009, 01:10 PM

Baroque, this blog (well, the replies) has a few suggestions for what to read, watch and eat (there's also a follow-up). It's written by the author Justine Picardie who writes a newspaper feature: Bibliotherapy, what to read when... this particular one is "what to read when your husband left you for another woman..." and is actually biographical.

I always fell back onto watching episodes of Sex and the City and a good friend recently bought the entire boxset to help her through a break-up.

kittenb

Mar 6 2009, 04:53 PM

Oooo, I just thought of a great break up movie. If you haven't seen it, now is the time to discover War of the Roses. It is vicious and awsome. It has been a few years but I know that I have never seen an ending like that.

purplestain

Mar 9 2009, 09:30 PM

This might make some people feel worse, but my favorite poem is "Another Birth" by Forough Farrokhzad. A very good translation is on her Wikipedia page (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forough_Farrokhzad#Samples_of_her_poetry_in_English). It has a very strong effect on me, especially the second stanza... I'm usually in tears by the second line. It's kind of my go-to poem for every depressing situation.

roseviolet

Mar 9 2009, 10:36 PM

Interesting suggestions in here. I wonder if "Sita Sings the Blues" might be a good contender, too. I saw it for the first time about a week ago and I really loved it. The woman who made it went through her own terrible break-up which inspired her to make this film. It's funny yet sad yet surprisingly uplifting. You can only see it on-line for free.http://www.sitasingstheblues.com/watch.html

When I'm going through a break-up, I prefer reading things that have very little to no romance in them whatsoever. The Anne series by L. M. Montgomery might be my first choice. Even the Harry Potter series could work, too.

Persiflager

Mar 10 2009, 03:06 AM

((ghosting))

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. There's no need to feel ashamed - we won't judge you here. It sounds like you're ready to follow some of the tips in our earlier posts now (giving him a stupid nickname etc). Ooh, do get rid of his remaining stuff, either by throwing it away or taking it to a charity shop. I'd probably go for a ceremonial deep-clean of the apartment as well, to get rid of any spare skin cells of evilness he might have left behind.

I hate to agree with you on this, but I don't think she was the first one either. I also don't think he sent you those messages by 'accident' - I think he wanted you to know, and he wanted it to hurt you.

Can you get away for a vacation any time soon?

girltrouble

Mar 10 2009, 04:15 AM

so sorry ghosting.

don't be ashamed to post. hell i broke up with my ex untold times, in the 6-7 time range over 2-3 years, so all told you're way ahead of me. heh.

it sucks to have taken him back, but sometimes that's what we need to do to really learn the lesson, so no shame in that. it took you were you needed to go. but do try not to travel down that road with him or anyone else, k?

and persi is right, cheaters tend to be serial cheaters, trust me i was one. it almost never happens in isolation.

what to do now? build yourself a life beyond him and immunize yourself from his lies. work on yourself esteem so that you really love you. this isn't a short term sort of goal, this should be one that you carry in your next relationships too. learn to be a bit selfish in this way. that you loving you is something you go out of the way to do. realize the things you really like about yourself. work on your place-- that's my current project is really making my apartment a place that i love and love to show off, take care of you, treat yourself with the respect he wasn't smart enough to give, and build you up....

much love and hugs!

oh, and best of luck too!

hcbeck

Mar 10 2009, 04:41 AM

QUOTE(ghosting @ Mar 10 2009, 06:48 AM)

i've been ashamed to write here because i had let him in again. it's a terrible thing to have to admit. ...sorry for the too much information. sorry for not writing for a while. i guess i had to learn the hard way.

Don't let any worries of how we judge you stop you from 'admitting' anything.1. We still think you are strong and wonderful, whatever happened this one time2. We won't judge you3. Your post wasn't an admission, you are telling us what happened

You let him in this time. Think about all the other times you didn't. Every time you didn't read a message, or answer a call. If you resisted temptation more often not, that is something to be proud of.

Also don't let posting too much ("sorry for the too much information") or not posting often enough ("sorry for not writing for a while" ) be any reason to put yourself under any pressure. We aren't measuring your contribution to this forum by any kind of yardstick. There is no ideal number of posts or amount of disclosure for anyone in your situation or any other situation. Do what you can, when you can.

I hope you realise how much your posts do contribute to us all here. Imagine the many people who don't yet have the strength to talk about what you've shared with us. From now on, they'll be able to see your bravery enumerated right here in this forum - even if you never post again (even though we hope you will, when you are ready). You might even be getting through to people who might suspect they are treating others the way your ex treated you.

QUOTE(ghosting @ Mar 10 2009, 06:48 AM)

what the fuck do i do now?

Do as much as you can, but don't beat yourself up about not being able to do more. We certainly won't.

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