News from Hell A

Birdy, Birdy in the Sky

PASADENA, Ca. – Birds like Joe Mayberry, but he doesn’t necessarily like them. Well, it is actually difficult to say for sure that they like him, but if going to the bathroom on a human is a sign of affection in the bird world then they definitely like Joe. For the past year, every time Joe goes outside he is immediately swarmed by birds and they do their business all over him. It’s a pretty messy situation.

Mayberry initially thought the whole thing was some kind of a fluke – perhaps some new flock of birds had moved into his neighborhood or the birds were ill– but when it happened time and time again no matter where he was at, Joe realized he or the birds had some kind of a problem. “This has ruined my life,” said Mayberry. “I’ve lost my girlfriend, my job, and now I am agoraphobic. It’s like having a terminal illness.”

Joe contacted L.A. Animal Control about the issue a few months ago, and after they stopped laughing, they told him that there was nothing they could do about it. “One of them told me to wear something that was easy to rinse off and they started giggling and hung up,” said the distraught Mayberry.

Scientists at UCLA have taken some interest Joe’s problem, but they are at a loss to explain the oddity. “We tried several things, including having him dress up as a bird, but nothing has worked thus far,” said Dr. Greg Mendel, a professor of zoology. “I came up with this idea to cover him with cow crap, but he didn’t want to do it. And now I’m stuck with a pile of manure in my office.”

They say, however, that every cloud has a silver lining, and every bird crap covered man is…well,…a bird crap covered man. But Joe has managed to make some lemonade out of his lemony predicament: he is now being hired to stand in parks and be shat on. “They use me when they are cleaning statues. They want to clean up Mt. Rushmore and they offered me some good money, so it looks like I’m going to be spending my summer in South Dakota.”