WWE - Ian Clark's Amnesiac Raw Recap

Tonight's Raw will be completely kickass, greatest Raw ever, but you won't remember any of it. As was the case last week for Dolph Ziggler. He's been diagnosed with retrograde amnesia, and before anyone thinks WWE's crossed the last stage into full-on soap opera territory, it's not a storyline. He's actually got a serious concussion, putting his spot at Extreme Rules in jeopary. Speaking of Extreme Rules, tonight is the last Raw before it. Any matches that are on the card will likely see their last developments unfold tonight.

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Raw opens with a summary of last week's Raw, then Jerry Lawler standing in the ring. He announces Jericho vs. Fandango for ER, then introduces their dance-off. Fandango makes his way out first, followed by Jericho, with Edyta Sliwinska of Dancing With the Stars. Fandango hypes up his dancing ability, to which Jericho responds that he's already become WWE Musical Chairs champion and WWE Price is Right champion, before promising that at Extreme Rules he'll create a new sensation, the "I just kicked your jack ass all over this ring." I think that makes "jack ass" two words.

Fandango goes first, standing and staring as the music plays, then calling for it to be cut off. "Shhhhh... hush, hush, hush. I'm trying to create a masterpiece out here, I need silence. I need to focus. Focus." The same track starts playing, and Fandango busts out some more not particularly breathtaking dancing. Summer Rae trips and hurts her ankle. Edyta comes to her aid, and the trainer checks on her. As Jericho starts to take a look, Fandango boots him in the head and starts punching him. He culminates his strikes in a kick to the gut, sending Jericho to the outside, where he follows, throwing Jericho across the announce table and then into the steel steps. He punches Jericho, then whips him into the barricade. He grabs a piece of the flooring that was set up in the ring and cracks Jericho across the head with it. He slides back in the ring, where Summer Rae reveals the injury to be a fake, and they dance their way out.

Match One: Ryback vs. Zack Ryder

Take care, grow your hair, then job everywhere.

Ryback with a boot, shots to the back, punch to the kidney, whip, misses a clothesline, Ryder leaps, Ryback swats him out of midair, Ryder with punches, Ryback with a clothesline, Shellshocked for three.

Winner: Ryback

They show a recap of HHH vs. Lesnar to date, starting over a year ago.

Match Two: Tons of Funk vs. Primetime Players

Young and Tensai start off, Young with a kick, Tensai with a chop, rolling senton, Young with an elbow, O'Neill in, Tensai clotheslines Young out of the ring, O'Neill with a kick to the back, punches, clothesline in the corner, boots to the gut, tries for a spear, Tensai ducks, Tensai in, clothesline, then another, t-bone suplex, avalanche, punch to Young, headbutt to O'Neill in the ring, Young with a punch, O'Neill with a rollup for three.

Winners: The Primetime Players

Damn...

The replay shows that Darren Young punched Brodus Clay with his comb.

Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler bring us up to speed on Dolph Ziggler's concussion. Apparently he was actually concussed on Smackdown by a kick from Jack Swagger.

Matt Striker introduces Theodore Long to give an update on the Extreme Rules match.

Matt: "WWE.com is reporting that Dolph Ziggler will not be cleared for Extreme Rules, so we've been told that you have an announcement concerning the World Heavyweight Championship."

Teddy: "I do. Concerning--"

Zeb Colter (who has just entered): "Whoa. If Dolph Ziggler cannot compete, then the appropriate thing to do is strip him of the title and give it to the man who put him down for the count in the first place. He only has the title because of us anyway."

AJ: "Let me get this straight: First you kick my boyfriend in his beautiful face, and then you try to take the easy way to his title? Classic. You shouldn't be rewarded, you should be suspended. You should be fired."

Incoherent bickering breaks out.

Long: "Quiet down! Let me make this clear: Dolph Ziggler will not be stripped of his title, but at Extreme Rules, Jack Swagger will face Alberto Del Rio in a #1 Contender's I Quit Match. And Big E. Langston, you will be in action against either Jack Swagger or Alberto Del Rio."

Big E: "What do you mean 'or'?"

Long: "That decision will be left up to a vote on the WWE App."

Match Three: US Champion Kofi Kingston vs. Damien Sandow (non-title)

Sandow comes to the ring, refusing to sing a song, then promises the end of Kingston's title reign.

After a commercial, Mark Henry hits the ring with a strap. Josh Matthews introduces a clip show of Henry whipping Sheamus. Henry then introduces a replay of himself pulling two tractor trailers on Smackdown. I think that was actually legit. Matthews asks Henry how that will translate to a win.

Henry: "I'll to better than that. I'll show you. Put this strap on. I said put it on! Two men bound by a twelve foot strap. Come here, Josh. (Shoves Matthews to the ground) Now you walk around the ring and you touch these corners consecutively. (Henry demonstrates) And that's how you win. C'mere. (Henry frees Matthews, who runs quickly) Like a rat. I'm feeling awfully generous. Why wait until Extreme Rules? How about Sheamus, you come out here right now and you let me finish what I started last week. (Sheamus doesn't appear) That's what I thought. Sheamus knows where his bread is buttered."

Sheamus hits the ramp at this. "You know, Mark, you may be the smartest man in the world, but you're obviously not the brightest. If you thought what you did to me last week was enough to stop me from competing, you're dead wrong."

"You're doing a lot of talking and not a lot of walking. Get on down."

"You're pretty brave with a strap in your hand. You think that's a fair fight?"

"Now you're scared. Want to trade in your green for yellow?"

"You talked me into it. Back up so I can get in the ring. You know what, Mark? I totally forgot. I was out here earlier and I left a present for you under this ring. Why don't I go get it for you?"

Sheamus pulls up a strap of his own, they start beating each other with their straps until Henry bails.

They show the premiere of a trailer for some kind of Randy Orton movie. I didn't actually watch it.

Match Four: Antonio Cesaro vs. Randy Orton

Lockup, break in the corner, Cesaro with a side headlock, Orton whips his way out, Cesaro with a shoulder tackle, Orton with an elbow, Garvin stomp, Cesaro with a shoulder tackle, headbutt in the corner, stomps, whip, European uppercut for two, chinlock, Orton punches his way out, t-bone suplex, kick to the face, clothesline, then another, whip, Cesaro holds on, punch, Orton with the snap powerslam anyway, hangman's DDT reversed into a rollup for two, Orton with an RKO for three.

Winner: Randy Orton

Match Five: Heath Slater vs. The Miz

Lockup, Slater with a rear waistlock, Miz twists the arm, Slater elbows his way out, Miz with a knee lift, boot to the face, charge, miss, rollup for two, Miz combo for two, knee, whip, reversed, Miz with a kick, 3MB grab Miz's leg, Slater with a superkick for two, mounted punches, more punches as Miz makes it to his feet, Slater with a neckbreaker for two, chinlock, Miz elbows his way out, snapmare, Slater charges the corner, Miz dodges, clothesline, boot, hanging clothesline, top rope double axe handle, figure four blocked, Slater with a punch, goes up top, Miz crotches him, ten-punch, superplex blocked by Mahal, Miz punches him, throws Slater into the rest of 3MB, back in the ring, Miz with a dropkick to the knee, Figure Four for the tapout.

Winner: The Miz

Match Six: Elimination Tag: The Shield vs. Team Hell No and John Cena

Ambrose and Kane start off, apparently Ambrose has Kofi Kingston for the US Championship on Sunday. Kane with a shoulder tackle, side headlock, press to the corner, Ambrose with punches, Kane reverses with punches, Bryan tags in, kicks in the corner, arm twist, armbar, cover for one, Ambrose elbows his way out, Reigns in, Cena in, throws Rollins to the corner, running bulldog for two, front facelock, commercial.

Back on, Bryan has Ambrose in a surfboard, Kane tags in, dropkick, Bryan back in, Ambrose presses him to the Shield corner, Rollins in, stomps, Reigns in, throws Bryan to the mat, clothesline, chinlock, Bryan elbows his way out, Reigns with a palm strike for two, Ambrose in, running dropkick, Rollins in, dropkick for two, chinlock, Bryan elbows his way out, Rollins with a punch to the back, Ambrose in, punches, elbow for two, stomp to the gut, then another, STF, Bryan to his feet, elbows his way out, Ambrose with a knee lift, Bryan with a running knee, Kane in, punch, whip, clothesline, another clothesline, side slam, punches for Rollins and Reigns, boot to Ambrose, DDT for two, goes up top, clothesline, chokeslam blocked by Rollins, Kane throws both of them over the top rope, punch to Reigns, follows, throws Ambrose into the barricade, punch to Rollins, one to Reigns, throws Rollins into the ring post, throws Reigns across the steps, announce table, throws the top of the table into Ambrose, the referee calls for the DQ.

Kane Eliminated

Commercial.

Back on, Reigns with punches to Cena, shot to the back, suplex reversed, Rollins in, goes up top, knee to the face for two, another cover for two, stomps to the back, chinlock, Cena to his feet, tags in Bryan to break the hold, Bryan with a punch, dropkick to the rest of The Shield, punches, whip, reversed, Bryan floats over, suicide dive to the rest of The Shield, punch to Rollins, missile dropkick for two, kicks in the middle of the ring, Rollins with a punch, Bryan goes for the No Lock, Rollins turns it into a whip, reversed, Ambrose in, Rollins with an enziguri, Ambrose hits his finisher for three.

Bryan eliminated

Cena with a spear, punches, Reigns in, punches to the back, stomps in the corner, Rollins in, stomps, foot choke, Cena with punches, dual shoulder tackles, protoplex, five-knuckle shuffle, AA interrupted by Ambrose, who he throws over the top rope, clothesline to Reigns, AA to Rollins for three.

Rollins eliminated

Goes for an AA to Ambrose, Reigns tries to interject, the referee stops him, Reigns shoves the referee and spears Cena anyway, drawing the DQ.

Reigns Eliminated

Ambrose covers Cena for two, slaps, Cena locks in the STF, Rollins and Reigns storm the ring again drawing the DQ.

Winners: Team Hell No and John Cena (Cena survives to the end)

Triple powerbomb to Cena. Ryback hits the ring, poses, then leaves, then thinks better of it, grabs a chair and hits Cena in the ankle with it.

After a commercial, Ryback tells Matt Striker that he's tired of playing by everyone else's rules.

Match Seven: Big E. Langston vs. Jack Swagger

Lockup, break, lockup, both men go back and forth to each of the corners, Swagger with a snapmare, shoulder tackles blocked, Langston tries the same thing, same result, Langston with a knee, punch to the gut, shoulder tackle in the corner, whip, charge, misses, Swagger tries the Patriot Lock, blocked, Swagger drops Langston's throat across the top rope, body slam for two, commercial.

Back on, Langston with a gut breaker for two, Swagger with a punch, Langston with shoulder tackles in the corner, then a full-on spear, whip, spear misses, Swagger with a splash, clothesline, Swagger Bomb for two, punch, then another, Langston with a punch, clothesline, sets Swagger up top, superplex for two, pulls the straps down, Big Ending blocked, Swagger with a chop block, Patriot Lock, Langston makes it to the ropes, punch, presses Swagger over the top rope, follows, throws Swagger into the barricade, charges, Swagger ducks, Big E. hits the floor in the crowd, is counted out.

Winner by Countout: Jack Swagger

Del Rio hits the ring, Swagger with a belly to belly, Patriot Lock, Ricardo Rodriguez hits him with a bucket, Swagger boots him, Del Rio with the cross arm breaker, Langston breaks it up, punches to Swagger, Swagger with an elbow, Del Rio with an enziguri to Langston, clotheslines Swagger out of the ring.

Match Eight: Natalya vs. AJ

The Bellas and Kaitlyn are on commentary, Khali and Hornswoggle are at ringside, Natalya with a belly to belly, clothesline, throws AJ to the corner, stomps, charges, AJ huddles up into the corner, slap, Natalya gives chase, AJ with a kick to the gut, throws Natalya into the ring, Natalya throws AJ back out of it, follows, throws AJ into the ring, follows again, backbreaker reversed into an octopus stretch for the tapout.

Winner: AJ

Backstage, Matt Striker asks Chris Jericho about what happened earlier. Jericho says that it was his fault, because in being cavalier about all of this, he's become complacent. He then promises to show Fandango how to dance "Chris Jericho style".

HHH comes to the ring for a confrontation with Brock Lesnar. The steel cage already sits above the ring. It lowers as HHH takes a mic. "Brock Lesnar and I have been at each other for a year now. We've bled, there's been broken bones, careers have been on the line but nothing's been settled. Until this Sunday. I said this ring has been my home, I learned to fight here. But someone I respected very early on in my career told me that to be successful, you have to learn to hate. And so I did. As the years went by, I learned to hate, and nowhere did I feel more at home than surrounded by steel. Where flesh is ripped from bone. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, Brock Lesnar, you're here, I'm here, they're here, and more importantly, the steel is here. So I'm at home. Why don't you come and try to take it?"

Lesnar's music hits, and he and Heyman come to the ramp. Heyman has a microphone. "Good evening ladies and gentlemen--"

"Shut your pie-hole Heyman, no one wants to hear it. We know who you are, we know who he is, Brock, get your ass to the ring and let's do this."

"Yes, you know who I am and who my client is, but do you know what we're about? We're about the perverse pleasures in life, like the fact that you've been forced to use the word 'hate'. Isn't that on the taboo list of words here in the WWE? A globally branded sports entertainment conglomerant, and we're not supposed to use unsophisticated words like hate. But that's where I get my perverse pleasure, because you know as well as I do that you and my client hate each other. And this Sunday, my client is going to teach you the true meaning of hate, because my client is a cage-fighting carnivore, and you're the biggest slab of meat in the WWE. After Sunday, you're going to hate facing your family after Lesnar beats you in the cage. You're going to hate facing your father in law because you know you let the entire WWE down. You're going to hate-- you called it a war, Brock Lesnar is going to win this war. And you hate that one man is going to have to emerge the loser. Lesnar is going to emerge the winner, and you hate that. My client is here ready for a fight, but you are going to have to wait until Sunday because as the COO of this company, you know better than anyone that my client does not fight for free."

"Hold on, you know, I don't know why I hadn't figured this out before. Brock Lesnar, the 325 pound wrecking machine won't face me like a man. And it's got nothing to do with him, does it, Paul? It has everything to do with the fact that you can't afford him to. At Wrestlemania, I did what you thought impossible and knocked him out cold and I beat him. And you know that if he steps down that ramp and faces me in the ring, and maybe, just maybe, I beat him one more time, that doesn't bode well for the businessman, does it? And maybe, just maybe, if I beat him again on Sunday, the sound you hear won't just be the roar of the crowd, it'll be the sound of Brock Lesnar's mistique going out the window. Brock Lesnar still believes deep down that he's the baddest man on the planet. The problem is that you don't. So I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to you Brock. Are you still the beast, or are you going to listen to Paul Heyman up there on the ramp and prove that you are Brock Lesnar, the bitch?"

Lesnar starts to storm the ring, the referees try to block him to no avail. Lesnar stands on the steps weighing his options, then climbs in the ring. Both men start trading punches, Lesnar with shoulder tackles in the corner, back to trading punches, Lesnar with a German suplex, takes his shirt off, calls for Heyman to shut the door, HHH throws Lesnar into the cage, punches, throws him into the door, Heyman falls back, Lesnar falls out of the cage, weighs going back in, but then picks Heyman up and leaves. HHH poses atop the cage as Raw goes off the air.