Characters and backstory of Xena: Warrior
Princess are the property of Renaissance/MCA/Studios USA. This story
is not meant to infringe upon their rights. This story was not written for
monetary gain. Anything not copyrighted to the above mentioned parties is
copyrighted to me. If you wish to archive or link this story, please
contact me.

Content Disclaimers

This story is rated PG-13 for
innuendo galore.

This story contains themes and descriptions of a
loving, sexual relationship between two consenting adult women. This story is intended for a mature audience
with an open mind. If it is illegal for you to read this story for any
reason at all, please close this web page and find something that is legal for
you to read.

Author's Note

This Uber-ish parody is the result of some absolutely insane ramblings produced during a XENA Palace chat. The innocent (and their sanity) have been protected by changing the names of the individuals involved. And you wouldn't believe how many times we said, "We're only talking about plumbing,
geez...." <BG>

Honestly, this story all innocently began
with a discussion on remodeling something or other. Then one person made
one innuendo and another made another. Before I knew, I obliged and picked
up the ball and ran with it. There's nothing explicit in this, but like
the show, as some said, it's all in how you read it.

Upon hearing the very feminine voice on the other end of the line, Xena: Master Plumber sits forward on her chair.

XENA
(perking up)
I have many skills. Which ones do you require?

GABRIELLE
Plumbing. You know...wells, depths, fluids....

XENA
Sounds like plumbing to me.

GABRIELLE
I don't want just anyone to look at my pipes...you are qualified right? Do you do plunging? I think my pipes need plunging and I have this dripping crack.

With a smug grin, Xena: Master Plumber sits back in her chair and props her feet up on her desk.

XENA
Oh, I'm sure you can ask several that have been satisfied...I am confident of my abilities to handle your leakage situation. Plunging? Yeah. You know...it's important to have a good plunger around. Plunging is a science.

GABRIELLE
Oh? Are you well equipped?

XENA
Well, my fingers are nimble, my hands are sure, and I never tire. I never leave a job unfinished. I have many tools.

GABRIELLE
Can you tell me a little about your knowledge and skill? How exactly would you solve my problem? Can you tell me about plunging and leaking?

XENA
Oh, yeah...sure. Well, when plunging, you have to make sure to cover the hole completely with the plunger to assure maximum suction.

Gabrielle, who is sitting nervously on the edge of her chair, listens intently.

GABRIELLE
Hole? Suction?

When the caller shows an interest in the science of plunging, Xena: Master Plumber becomes confident. Her voice lowers in register to a near purr as she continues in an attempt to impress the potential client.

XENA
And then you have to really put your back into it when plunging. You have to make sure that the down stroke is forceful and the upstroke gentle and slow. It's the only way to clean pipes.

The timber of the Master Plumber's voice sends a curious tingle down Gabrielle's spine. Thinking about her pipes being plunged and her leaks being fixed, she closes her eyes.

XENA
(continuing)
You have to watch, though...sometimes you have to gag off the other end because it ruins the suction on the hole.

GABRIELLE
(blushing with a strangled choke)
Gag?

Not noticing the odd tone of the caller's voice, Xena: Master Plumber continues.

XENA
Snakes are good for cleaning pipes as well....

Desperate to have her problems solved, Gabrielle interrupts the Master Plumber.

GABRIELLE
What can you do for the leak?

Given a new opportunity to demonstrate her vast knowledge, Xena: Master Plumber becomes excited, for her juices begin to flow.

XENA
Well, you have to make sure to find the source of the leak. Once you find it, you have to make sure to plug it up real good. You have to watch, though. Some leaks are smaller than others. You'd want to use a plug appropriate for the size of the leak. Otherwise, you'll just make the leaking hole bigger...and sometimes that isn't preferable.
(a beat)
You don't want to stop up the leak too quickly either.

Gabrielle's breath becomes hitched. Her fingers begin to play with and wrap around the curly phone cord.

GABRIELLE
No, of course not. Please...this is fascinating. Do go on.

Spurred by her caller's interest, Xena: Master Plumber complies.

XENA
Sometimes things have to be flushed from the pipes. Flushing relieves the pressure. And always take your time. You don't want to do a shoddy job. And don't forget, sometimes you have to plug up both holes to get the right results. Examining the substances in the leakage through smell or taste can give you a hint as to the cause of the original leakage.

GABRIELLE
Is that safe?

XENA
Oh, the best plumbers are *always* careful and thorough. They take their time to ascertain the cause of the leakage and to administer the remedy.

Gulping at the thought of having all of her plumbing problems solved, Gabrielle sits back, no longer anxious, hearing the confident tones of the Master Plumber on the other end of the line.

GABRIELLE
What if a plunger won't do the job? What do you do then?

XENA
Sometimes you have to take deeper measures and use a snake. I have found in my experience that electric snakes work best in reaching depths that traditional or organic tools cannot.

Gabrielle's blood begins to rush through her body like a thundering river. She becomes excited and she engages the Master Plumber.

GABRIELLE
Oh, I'm sure that hand-powered snakes can be great tools as well.

XENA
Of course. Hand power has its purposes. I've even seen some rentals that are curved or hooked for reaching out of the way places in plumbing systems. The most important thing is that the snake must be strong and flexible, able to adjust to the situation.
(a beat)
When conventional methods don't apply, manual labor at times becomes necessary.

GABRIELLE
(breathlessly)
You must know pipes well.

Not noticing the awe in the caller's voice, the Master Plumber continues.

XENA
If you must resort, or even prefer the manual route, it is good to always remember comfort. Personally, I spend a lot of time on my knees. I always carry a pillow so that I can work for long hours without discomfort. I like getting down to the matter of the problem. And of course...the best plumbers come with their own tools.

GABRIELLE
(picturing the Master Plumber on her knees, working on her pipes)
I bet you do.

XENA
(with assurance)
I have a vast array of tools. Sometimes though, tools and snakes just won't do the job. It is then that the plucky plumber must in a few words - get her hands dirty...
(a beat)
...Or wet, as the case may be.

Closing her eyes, Gabrielle imagines the Master Plumber with a chest full of weapons to battle her dripping crack.

GABRIELLE
(interrupting)
Do you have a good hands-on approach?

In an attempt to sway the client to take her on for the job, Xena: Master Plumber begins to extol her own prowess.

XENA
My hands can work magic. I delve into my work.

GABRIELLE
Isn't that dangerous, though? What if you get stuck?

XENA
I'm always cautious when inserting my hand into any plumbing fixtures. I always have plenty of lubricant.

GABRIELLE
Just how much experience do you have?

XENA
I've installed more bathroom sinks than I can count.

There is a heavy silence as Gabrielle ponders whether Xena: Master Plumber is the right person for the job.

XENA
So...are we all straightened (to use a phrase) on the methodology of typical household plumbing?

Gabrielle snaps out of her daze and clears her throat.

GABRIELLE
Uh...yes, you were very good at satisfying my curiosity.

XENA
(purring)
Gooood....

The Master Plumber chuckles.

XENA
Will you be ready for a one-on-one oral question and answer session?

Blinking mutely on the other end of the line, Gabrielle takes a shaky breath.

GABRIELLE
I'm sure I could handle that....

There is another silence as Gabrielle makes her decision.

GABRIELLE
I think I need your hands on approach.

Xena: Master Plumber slowly raises a brow and smirks when she realizes that she has bagged another account. Her pleasure is evident in her honey-thick voice and her lazy drawl.

XENA
Hands on, eh?

GABRIELLE
On my facilities....

XENA
(warming up)
I've told you all about myself. I think it's your turn...what about you? Exactly what can I help *you* with.

GABRIELLE
My, you are solicitous.

XENA
I do what the situation calls for. I've never come across a dripping crack I can't fix.

GABRIELLE
Really? Can you help me? You seem to be much more knowledgeable about the fine art of plumbing than I.

XENA
Your problem, the plunging and leaking...I can fix. *And* I am known for my care and caution when dealing with delicate pipes. It involves both mechanical contrivances and organic materials.

GABRIELLE
Do you know how to be firm when need be, though, don't you?

XENA
Of course, I can be aggressive when the situation warrants.

There is a brief pause as the two women think about pipes and cracks.

XENA
Why don't you tell me about your leak?

GABRIELLE
Well, like I said. I think I have a leaking crack and I'm sure that my pipes need plunged.

XENA
How long has it been since you've had your pipes snaked or even cleaned by a knowledgeable person...and I'm not referring to your self-attempts with non-organic remedies?

Pondering how long it had been since anyone but herself had seen her pipes, Gabrielle chews her lip as her body trembles with the need for a good plumber.

GABRIELLE
I...I honestly don't remember. No one I've ever spoken to ever sounded like they could handle my problem. I mean, if they sound like they can't help, I'm not going to invite them over here to look at my pipes. I guess it's been so long that I no longer considered it important.

XENA
A good cleaning out every once in a while, is always a prudent exercise.

GABRIELLE
(forlorn)
It's been so long. You are the first plumber I've phoned that seems to have everything I need.

XENA
Hmm...we may have a situation on our hands, then.

GABRIELLE
(sobbing)
I think my pipes are getting rusty. Is there anything you all can do?

XENA
Well, let me consult my manual here.

The Master Plumber opens a drawer and pulls out "101 Ways To Have Fun While Getting Wet."

XENA
Hmm...I think the first thing we will have to do is conduct a preliminary examination of your pipes.

Drawing strength from the Master Plumber's confidence, Gabrielle dries her eyes and nods as she takes mental notes.

GABRIELLE
Pipe checking...got it.

XENA
Tell me, when will you be available? I'd like your input on the whole process.

GABRIELLE
Well, I'm available this evening or tomorrow. Do you think this is an emergency?

XENA
I would like to take some time to find out know what has and hasn't been done for you before.

GABRIELLE
Well, had some stuff done for me in the past, but it's been awhile since I've had my pipes checked out thoroughly.

XENA
Well, it's only an emergency if there is major leakage and you are having difficulty walking without possibly slipping in puddles.

GABRIELLE
Well, my pipes do sound a bit moist at the moment. They are burbling...does that mean anything?

There is the sound of the phone being set down and some shuffling on Gabrielle's end.

GABRIELLE
No wait, it isn't burbling...just the very faint sound of oozing.

XENA
Oozing? Oh, myyyy...*that* is a problem of another orientation.

GABRIELLE
I know that at least one is leaking as well.

XENA
Well after hearing this, I may have to crawl into the access shaft in order to listen and find the source of the oozing.

GABRIELLE
Well, if you think it's necessary.

XENA
Tell me, when was the last time you checked the access to your pipes? Is it clean? I prefer working in clean areas...so much easier to find what I'm looking for and diagnosing problems.

GABRIELLE
Oh, my pipes are very clean. I even call in a team of women to help me. My basement is spotless.

XENA
What kind of access do you have? Will we have to do any stripping or is there a panel?

GABRIELLE
Well, most of the pipes are in my basement. Upstairs...I'm not sure.

Xena: Master Plumber takes a moment to mentally taste the sound of the caller's name.

XENA
Okay, Gab-ri-elle....

GABRIELLE
Oh, my...the way you say my name...so friendly and familiar. You aren't like any other plumber I've spoken with.

XENA
Well, I am known for my touchy-feely method of diagnosing. I tend to use my hands and fingers to search out for sources of leakage. It is much more dependable than items used by some men.

GABRIELLE
Hmm...well, just make sure when you examine that opening that your hands are nice and warm. You don't want to get a chill.

XENA
That is very kind of you to say. But, it has been my experience that hot water pipes tend to leak more often than cold. It has to do with expansion and the cracking of joints. So chances are that the leak is from a hot source.

GABRIELLE
My source is very hot.

XENA
That's all right. I am accustomed to dealing with hot pipes, so don't worry about my experience in these matters.

GABRIELLE
You sound like you have been doing this for a long time. Tell me, have you satisfied all of your clients?

XENA
A good plumber goes to any lengths and uses any means at her disposal to satisfy her client. I have many that simply call for routine maintenance.

GABRIELLE
My pipes won't be just another set to you, will they? I don't want to be just another account number. Will you remember my name after you finish? Will I just be a card in your Rolodex?

XENA
I don't use a Rolodex...I have a palm pilot.

GABRIELLE
Well, okay. You seem like a nice plumber. Can you do this for me?

XENA
Yes, Gab-ri-elle, I can do it for you. In fact, I can't wait to get my hands on your pipes. There are some things you might want to know about me before we make a commitment on this.

GABRIELLE
(suspicious)
Like what?

XENA
Well, I'm very informal when I work. Plumbing is hot and sweaty work...and at times, I take off my coveralls. Would that bother you?

GABRIELLE
No, no...feel free. I want you to be comfortable while doing your job.

XENA
I just like to save my clients from any embarrassment of seeing me out of uniform.

GABRIELLE
We don't want you to faint from overheating, being near that heat source. I can handle it, I assure you.

XENA
Well then. I look forward to servicing your plumbing, Gab-ri-elle. I'm available tomorrow. I can come as early as you wish.

GABRIELLE
I can't wait for you to come...can you make it as soon as possible?

XENA
I can be there at nine in the morning.

GABRIELLE
I'll be ready to receive you.
(a beat)
Thank you, Xena.

XENA
It will be my pleasure.

After giving the Master Plumber her address, Gabrielle says good bye and hangs up her phone. She sits for a moment with a big smile on her face now that she no longer has to worry about her leaking pipe with the dripping crack. She was sure that she found the right plumber for her job.

As the connection was broken, Xena: Master Plumber looked down at her empty appointment book. She dusts it off and inks in her new client's name. Although she is as experienced as she had told Gabrielle, it had been a long time since she felt an excitement for her job. From the sounds of it, the frantic young woman had quite a mess on her hands and the plumber was more than willing to spend the rest of her life if need be to maintain all of Gabrielle's pipes.

--Maybe to be continued. Who knows what the hell is going to happen?

The authors disclaim any knowledge of plumbing in the traditional sense. A few additional comments were made by hobbes and someone going by the alias of
'guttermind.'