The other day I heard some dude identified faggot tell his friends that his classroom was recently split up, boys and girls, but he laughingly said that he didn’t know which side of the room he should go to! Isn’t that funny?

But I get it, or least I think I do. I understand faggots hearing their entire life about how feminine they are. Turning that around and being a nelly faggot who becomes ‘one of the girls’, I get it. But I am worried that faggots of today are taking this completely out of context and male chauvinist asshole faggots now think they can’t be called out, because, hey, there just ‘one of the girls’. Right?

Could this also be where some (a lot?) of this false idea of some sort of gay mainstream trans-friendly “community” comes from?

I am wondering if the feminization of faggots, has gone too far.

Have the origins of this campy queen culture been lost in the sea of str8 actin gay dudes and mainstream assimilation?

It’s late and I am going to go to bed, but I feel like I will talk about this more, soon.

The other day I took a few (12, maybe) condoms over to this punk house and everyone was so amazed at where ‘all those’ condoms came from. Between yesterday and today I have had a bunch of people come up to me and have a conversation with me, the entire tone of the conversation being general amazement.

But, it was only like, 12 condoms. Is that really a lot? I mean, I recognize that I generally have more condoms around the house than most people I know, but it is kind of terrifying to think that 12 condoms is really ~*a big deal*~.

I have this friend. We will call him Banana. Banana and I are not friends IRL (In Real Life), however about once a month we will spend the night over at someones house and cuddle. No sex, only cuddling, which is sometimes pretty nice. I just left his house and tonight I saw a really, really shitty side of him that I had never seen before. I don’t need to describe it in too much detail, it was mostly the same awful, Transphobic faggot asshole shit that we all hear everyday.

But this time, it was slightly different. Normally, people will beat around the bush, when implying that I am a certain gender because of my genitals. But as I am cuddling Banana in his fucking bed, being all sweet and shit, he flat out insists that my gender is invalid, because of my genitals. He then insisted that because I didn’t wear wigs, big shoes or dresses all the time, that I couldn’t be a ‘tranny’.

Let me take this time to talk about how much I can’t stand faggots using the term Tranny. I hear so much venom and confusion every time they drop the T-bomb, but every time I tell someone this, I am instructed that because they are ho-mo-sex-u-al, they are automatically the Trannies friend.

If I hate Banana so much and find my self so disgusted with him, as I do, why can I see myself going back, in a month, for another cuddle date? For some reason this is stressing me out a whole lot. Somewhere, did I think it was okay to let my defenses down, just because cuddling was happening? Do I really need cuddles that bad?

I, really, couldn’t be more tired of hearing the terms “male bodied” and “female bodied” from well meaning people. A) My genitals are none of my god damned business, unless you plan on having them in your mouth ASAP, B) I really don’t understand how any ‘well meaning’ person could think that a penis makes you ‘male bodied’ or a vagina makes you ‘female bodied’.

Please stop policing my genitals. Thanks.

(post thoughts: The more I thought about this, the more I realized that no matter what, someone elses genitals are none of your fucking business. I think its completely valid to be surprised the first time you encounter someones genitals for the first (or second, third, or fourth) time.)

Genitals are a really interesting thing, which I have been thinking about a lot. When I talk to people about genitals and how offensive it is when people refer to people by their genitals, they usually come back with that sounds a lot like “but I need to know what they have, to know if I am attracted to them”. Part of me wants to think that is complete bullshit, sexuality is clearly more complicated than just genitals, but also, sexuality is really confusing, so who am I to say that. I don’t date people, or really even have sex with many people, but when I am interested in someone, I don’t think about genitals at all. That seems so simple to me. To me it seems like you can make anything physically work for you. But, you can’t really make a shitty personality work for you, so you should be more worried about that and less worried about their sun-don’t-shine parts.

I dedicated most of today reading anything that I could, by Yasmin Nair. Yasmin is such a god damned beautiful writer. Fuck! Her piece “Why India’s S.377 ruling is not Stonewall” is especially beautiful. I would love to see more people writing about this thing we are seeing LGBT folk call everything ‘the new Stonewall’. I would love to see someone who was a good writer talk about it, but seriousally, if you want a ‘new/another stonewall’, make it fucking happen. Start a fucking riot.

Today I was sitting in on a Queer youth groups discussion on relationships and it just made me really sad. I was hearing your typical mainstream gay shit and it was so disappointing. One person talked about how sex was not valid unless you knew the persons middle name, which got me to thinking and I don’t think I know the middle name of anyone I have had sex with. I hardly know most of their first names.

I am so sad that the grasstop orgs have done such a good job of de-queering sex for so many young people. Sex should be fun, adventurous and (safe sex) with folks you don’t know can be so healthy (I think)!

Another said you shouldn’t date if you don’t know their last name. One person started talking about how wrong they felt it was that people in the “lgbt” community dated folks so much older than themselves. To top it all off, I had to listen to someone talk about how the “correct plumbing” was important to them in a relationship.

Correct plumbing. Yes.

This meeting was so frustrating and mostly made me want to cry. Basically these folks only view the most boring, heteronormative relationships possible as valid.

If I had a dollar for every person I have met on the street and then instructed for me to feel their crotch, only to find an erection, I would have so many dollars. I don’t know what it is about me that makes people think I want to feel their erections. I mean, its funny to me, so I always do, but still, they don’t know that!

Also, do men really get erections just be seeing someone/something they wanna get at/fuck/whatever? How do they get anything done? Do I just meet the people who easily get boners, or is this a regular occurrence for men? I can’t imagine having to go through my day, getting erections at anything I thought was attractive. That must be so distracting!

It turns out I do not like plantains. I thought this was the case, but we dumpstered a whole crate the other week so I figured I would do something with them, before they got destroyed by flies. Fried plantains are a very confusing texture and taste and ketchup does not help. If ketchup can’t fix it, I don’t know what could. I hope my compost pile appreciates all those plantains.

Yesterday I met someone and we had a conversation in the middle of the street. After feeling his erection (quite large) and asking me if I could handle it (the answer was “no!”), he then leaned into to whisper something to me, but ended up just licking my ear. It’s funny how certain things, in certain situations can differ so much. During sex time, my ears are my favorite thing to be bitten, licked, whatever. But in the middle of the street, it makes me want to vomit. Maybe it does not help that I did not find this man attractive in the least. Well, he told me he would be gentle with me (at first, at least), which is kind of sweet. I guess.

You fucking faggots. I hope you were having fun at the pride bar crawl on the 17th as a Trans mentor for many websites was attacked, beaten with a sledge hammer, gang raped and buried alive, then she crawled for about three miles (because her knees were smashed) to find help, but died in ICU at 2:11am

I hope you fucking choked on whatever drink you were having at 2:11 that morning.

I was thinking about this the other day and realized that I have never had sex with anyone who understood my GenderFucked-ness, or got it, or even tried to get it.

Sure, I have fucked a (very) few people who would use my proper gender pronoun, but it was always clear they were only doing it to entertain me. They are the type of people that probably explained me to their friends as ‘a dude in a dress’, or used terms like “man pussy”.

That fucking sucks and I hate it so much.

Maybe that is why I have such a disinterest in sex. Can someone who ‘gets it’ please come and wildly fuck me so that I can possibly be interested again?

Last night was pretty awful. I met up with this person who was supposed to just be a one night thing, but that one night didn’t end up with the sex, so now we are friends, who don’t have sex. Pretty lame. But anyway, we went to this pretty awful (straight) bar by my house and I got the “Are you gay? Well don’t hit on me and we are cool) comment a few times from this guy. Why don’t you ever hear that from someone who is actually attractive?

At some point my friend said something like ‘you worry about things too much, you just need to go with it sometimes’ (referring to my thoughts on assimilation, awful faggotry, homelessness, etc). I probably should have hit him.