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On Wednesday, Davis and I decided to spontaneously take off work and go to a demonstration together. We had a fun day, topped off with dinner, a movie, and a bunch of very hot, lightly kinky sex. We're embarking on something we've been wanting to do for a long while, sex-wise, and it's nice to have a thing that really feels like ours.

We also talked a lot. I think he's actually doing ok. We talked just a little about Clay, for logistical reasons, and he handled it fine. I asked, again, if all of this is really healthy for him. He said that he has a lot of hope that he'll have a life partner some day, whether it's someone new or whether he and I figure out how to make that work for the two of us, but that for now he is happy and is becoming more comfortable with things.

It amazes me, how good redefining our relationship has been for us. It's like we woke up. I feel like we're more present with each other. I no longer feel conflicted all the time. More and more, I find that I'm thinking of him as my boyfriend again, not as my ex... it's just that that means a different thing now. We saw each other again on Thursday night.

I had off on Friday, and had a leisurely, lazy day at home until Clay got off work. We went back to his place, talked, kissed, fucked, and were generally just incredibly sweet with each other. I spoke of how wonderfully reassuring it was to see that our initial electric passion for each other had successfully mellowed into comfort without guttering out, and he concurred whole-heartedly. I took him out for a type of food he'd never had before, something cheap but delicious. Eddie, my roommate, called, wanting a ride to the queer dance party we were all going to, so we went back to my place and Clay got to see my house and meet my roommates.

The dance party was a hit -- not as crowded as last month, but still nice and full-feeling, great energy, great flow to the music. Lots of our friends were there, including a couple of people Clay already knew. I got to introduce him to Gia, Eric, Helen, and Dexter, all in one go. There wasn't a huge amount of conversation -- it was pretty loud, after all -- but he seemed to have a good impression of everyone and vice versa.

I took turns dancing with Clay, Gia, and Eddie. It was so interesting, to feel the different energy with each of them, to feel how the ways I moved my body changed. I also danced alone, and multiple strangers told me what a good dancer I was. That sort of thing never happens to me, but I wasn't surprised. I felt much more connected to my body and fully in the moment than I normally do on the dance floor, not unaware of myself but not self-conscious either. I felt so good that it just seemed natural to hear that I looked good too.

At one point while we were dancing, arms around each other, Gia told me that she'd missed her passion for me and was so overjoyed to have it back, because I deserved it. She said that she felt like herself again, that she wished she'd gone back on the hormones sooner, that it felt right.

I rested my head against her chest and actually cried a little there on the dance floor. So many difficult emotions, so much want, so much waiting. She apologized for saying such things to me in public rather than waiting. I said that I didn't mind, and I really didn't. I checked in with Clay, but he hadn't minded seeing me be emotional with her... he was smiling quite a bit at us actually, and she smiled in a similar way when he and I were together. Compersion central up in our little poly circle.

Back at my place, later in the evening/early morning, Gia and Dexter and I had a lot of fun making each other feel good. I felt very desired, by both of them, and loved watching them together as well. Gia left around 4am to go home and see Eric and Bee (Eric had spent the night with Helen).

I invited Dexter to stay, and he did. We curled up around each other and dozed until late in the morning. When we woke up, we just laid in bed and talked, touching each other lightly. I'm honestly not that sexually attracted to him, but I'm very very comfortable with him, and I like him a great deal, so that counts for a lot. Things were just starting to get sexual again when Gia showed up for our date, around noon. She had dressed up, and looked amazing. In contrast, I answered the door in a state of complete dishevelment, wearing a robe that I held closed with one hand. She didn't seem to mind.

I invited her upstairs, where Dexter lounged in my bed, still as naked as he'd been when she'd left eight hours ago. In a sweet tone, I asked him to keep her from being too bored while I got ready for my date. I took a shower, then took my time picking out my clothes, remarking out loud over my choices and grinning, as they gasped and moaned on the bed. I suggested that perhaps they ought to fuck, and my plan was well received. With their permission, I took pictures. They looked amazing together, but mostly it was just *fun* to be so unabashed in my voyeurism.

When they were done, and Gia had put herself back together, we saw Dexter out and decided to walk together to get brunch at a place about 15 minutes away. The walk was lovely, the food was lovely, it was a beautiful warm spring day. On the way back, we stopped and saw some friends of mine, who were busily gardening.

In my bed once more, we held each other and talked some more about this huge change in her desire. She confirmed that she had, in fact, essentially been straight for the last year or so. That she'd wanted me for me, for the closeness, but that it had been strange and different. She said that she'd thought, from time to time, of confessing to me her fears that she would never go back to being bisexual. She never did because she was afraid that, if she said those words, it would lead to a conversation that would result in us breaking up, which she absolutely did not want.

She told me beautiful, deeply reassuring things, and I cried just a little more. I told her how difficult it had been for me, and yet how it had shown me that I could go through the pain and come out the other side, stronger and knowing myself better, knowing our love better.

She cuffed me and tied me down, then proceeded to do all sorts of terribly painful and enjoyable things to me. She wrote her name on my back in welts, and her bouncy enjoyment felt so real and so wonderful. She scratched hearts into my back and, with each one, whispered that she loved me. *dreamy sigh*

Recently, I heard a cover of 'Here Comes the Sun' that got to the guts of it, for me. Having gone through the dark weather and coming out on the other side. That last post - wow, yesss, the lushness of fresh spring rain

your poly dynamics do sound really good and you seem to be doing well handling them, so kudos! sounds like you'll have a lot of fun at the party and after it. enjoy!

Quote:

Originally Posted by baggagepatrol

i love that you just used the phrase "boy-howdy!".... That is a keeper. I have such mad respect for the way that you live your life annabel, and am so happy that you are enjoying this new connection!

Quote:

Originally Posted by fuchka

recently, i heard a cover of 'here comes the sun' that got to the guts of it, for me. Having gone through the dark weather and coming out on the other side. That last post - wow, yesss, the lushness of fresh spring rain

Hooray Annabel!! Everything sounds amazing, and I am so so happy for you. I was reading your post and my officemate asked me why I was grinning like a fool.

Eee, thank you.

I've been doing a LOT of grinning like a fool lately.

Clay and I haven't seen each other since the dance party this past Friday. He invited me to an event on Monday, but I turned him down to go to an exercise class with Gia instead. I wanted to see her, wanted to have the workout, wanted to try to make that night more of a regular thing for she and I. We had a lovely time, but I have to admit that I've kind of been kicking myself for missing the opportunity with him. He and I are both VERY busy right now, and scheduling time together has been nigh impossible.

I started missing him badly on Tuesday night, and it's been an on-and-off ache since then. The thing that makes it ok is knowing that he feels the same way. He takes the time to tell me about the ways in which he's missing me. We always have good chats, whether they're quick check-ins or longer talks in which we share things about our lives and about our desires in this relationship. We both seem to be very good at making the other feel valued and respected... *sigh* It's really nice.

I just looked back at my chat log and we had two 45-minute conversations online today. That's an hour and a half of talking! And it's been just enough to make me feel calmer and a little more peaceful, not enough to actually sate me. There are things that I want to talk to him about that I'm only going to feel comfortable saying in person. And, of course, it's only in person that I can touch him, kiss him, just revel in his proximity. WOW, do I have it bad. Again, the only thing that keeps this from being awful is the fact that he freely admits to feeling exactly the same.

During our last conversation, just now, I explained that I think I need to know when I'm going to see him next (I'd given him some possible dates, at his request, but he hadn't responded with a workable option yet). If I know when to expect it, I can look forward to it. In contrast, when things are open and nebulous, I become preoccupied and feel lonely. He said that made sense, and promised to look at his schedule and give me a firm date very soon. I feel a little bad for trying to pin him down, when he has people out of town that he also needs to coordinate with, which is of course going to be trickier. On top of that, his work schedule just changed so that he only has a single day off per week, he's responsible for a major portion of a BIG event coming up soon which has been stressing him out, and he's starting to get a cold. Bleh. But mostly I feel good for identifying what I need, communicating that, and having him hear, understand, and agree to meet it.

First off - I am so happy to read about the good things going on for you!

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

... I explained that I think I need to know when I'm going to see him next... If I know when to expect it, I can look forward to it. In contrast, when things are open and nebulous, I become preoccupied and feel lonely. He said that made sense...

This struck a cord with me. I am a "planner" to nth degree ... and Dude is an "anti-planner" - we are still working on this 2 years in, I'm glad your guy sees sense in your request. (MrS isn't a planner himself, but simply goes along with whatever.)

By the end of the day after I last posted, I was beginning to feel a little worried about not having heard back from Clay about a time we could get together.

I found myself thinking of my ex, Ziggy, who used to always say how very much he wanted to see me but could never manage to stick to a plan to actually do so. I eventually had to accept that he probably wasn't lying, he just truly didn't know what he wanted. In part because of that experience, I can't stand it when people say they want to spend time together but then their actions don't match up. I kept reminding myself that Clay was sick, and that it was completely unreasonable to take it personally. Ugh, plus our schedules just don't mesh well at all, it's a mess.

That evening, Clay messaged me to say how much he wanted me. "I'd be happy to come over now," I replied. He asked if I really meant it, and explained that he was an achey, sniffly mess. I told him that I didn't care, and that all I wanted was to be with him. He told me to come.

It ended up being a wonderful and powerful night. I got to really serve him in the ways I've wanted, he used me, and he said so many beautiful things to me. The "I love you's" are peppered throughout our conversations now, in a way that feels very comfortable and natural. We've talked frequently since then, but I've felt less anxious about needing to be in contact with him, or needing to schedule time.

Clay started to feel better on Monday. We managed to schedule some time together for this Thursday. Even though I was no longer feeling concerned about his interest in spending time with me, it was still very nice to get something on the calendar.

This afternoon (Tuesday), while chatting, we realized that we could squeeze 45-minutes together into our day before I went to watch Bee. We decided to go for it. So, so, so fun!!! His face when we're together, he's just so happy... I know I must look the same. Heh, it's so cliched to be newly in love in spring, and it's so incredible at the same time.

Moving on to other things...

Over the weekend that just passed, Gia, Eric, Helen, Dexter, and I went to another dance party. Eric and Helen were planning to spend some time together afterwards, and Gia asked if I'd like to go back to my place with her. I said I most certainly would, but that I'd like it to be just the two of us (as opposed to inviting Dexter to join us, which we've done a couple of times now). I was craving one-on-one time with her. She readily assented. I took Dexter aside early in the night and explained our plan to him, so as to avoid awkwardness later in the evening, and he was completely gracious about it.

Gia ended up accepting one too many free drinks from friends, and was too drunk to do more than lay in bed with me when we got back to my place. But we actually had a really great and intimate conversation. We talked about what she wants, who she is, and how we fit together. She's been learning a lot lately, and I feel privileged to be a part of it.

Gia and I, plus some other friends, are going to yet another dance party on Friday night (it must sound like that's all we do with our lives, geez). She's making me a costume for it. It's a fetish-themed event, so we may do some D/s stuff there. Clay may decide to come, and Gia has said that she's totally fine with that. It'd be interesting, to be with both of them in that sort of context.

Being with Clay has made me reflect more on my feelings for Eric. I still care for Eric deeply, but there are SO many ways in which he and I aren't compatible and in which Clay and I are. I'm grateful to Eric for not trying to push himself to return my feelings. All that would have resulted is that we would have become enmeshed in something that wasn't really right, and maybe then I wouldn't have then had the time and energy to engage with this wonderful man who IS so right for me.

First off - I am so happy to read about the good things going on for you!

This struck a cord with me. I am a "planner" to nth degree ... and Dude is an "anti-planner" - we are still working on this 2 years in, I'm glad your guy sees sense in your request. (MrS isn't a planner himself, but simply goes along with whatever.)

Thank you!

And yessss, plans, plans make me feel so much more secure. It's important to remember that some people are just wired differently in that regard.

I've been posting in great detail on my tumblr about some of my sexy experiences of late. Let me see if I can find some interesting, non-pornographic details about each of my relationships to post here.

*

Gia delights in complex perfumes. She loves picking apart the scents and analyzing them, and she loves how it makes her feel different to smell different. However, she is dead broke. I am not broke, and I find making her happy to be completely delightful. With her permission, I've devised a plan to buy her little bottles of fancy perfume from her favorite company and give them to her at random intervals.

I've bought two, but only actually given her one so far. I wrapped it in tissue paper, tied it with colorful wire, and stashed it in my glove box. Then, when I picked her up from work one day, I asked her to grab something from the glove box for me. Even though she'd known I had planned to gift her with perfume at some point, she was still so surprised and happy.

She's worn that perfume almost every time I've seen her since then. *sigh* It's going to be good to see her tomorrow night.

*

Clay has confessed to me that he's interested in fluid bonding with me. He's been very clear that it's fine with him if we never do that. In turn, I've explained that my answer for the time being is no, but that it's something I'd like and that I'm willing to think about down the line.

There's a number of issues to think through here.

Izzy is the only other person with whom Clay is fluid bonded currently, and they're not really having sex these days. However, his preference is certainly that they will get back to that at some point. As I've mentioned, Izzy is a sex worker. Clay says that she's religious about barriers, but I can't *know* that, not really -- I trust him but I don't know her yet -- and there's no denying that it's a high risk occupation.

Just the other day, the two of them, plus one of Izzy's other partners (who also happens to be one of Clay's best friends) enacted their every-three-months ritual of getting up early and going to the free clinic for comprehensive std testing together. Gotta love that, it's a LOT more than a lot of people do in terms of keeping a handle on their sexual health. But is it enough? I want to do more research on transmission rates and really think about it.

Izzy aside, Clay's a bit of a slut. He's got two other partners in addition to her and me, one of whom he sees fairly regularly, and one of whom he sees more rarely. I have no idea how many other partners each of those people have. He also seems to have no objection at all to casual encounters, as far as I can tell. While I haven't grilled him about it (I probably will before making a decision about whether or not to take this step), my impression is that he hooks up with people at parties relatively regularly, sometimes without knowing them particularly well.

Heh, and what a hypocrite I'd be to think less of him for any of that. I've got three partners and three occasional fwb's at present. I slept with Clay the first night we met in person, after a week of conversation. Hell, I hooked up with Harry at a party within hours of meeting him. I am *definitely* a slut too.

So, yeah, it's not about pointing fingers or judging. But this could be my life on the line here. It could also be my relationships on the line. I'll need to talk to Gia and Davis before making any decisions. I'll be clear with them about the risks. I don't know at all how Gia will respond.

Davis, I feel certain, will be unhappy. Getting an IUD put in, which I did just a few weeks ago, was something that I did at his request, for our relationship (I've never wanted to be on hormonal birth control, so this is the first time in my life that I've ever been able to have PiV sex without a condom). I think that, in addition to any concerns he's likely to have about safety, this will sting for him on an emotional level, the idea that that might not be a special, just-us thing anymore. :/ With that in mind, I'm determined to wait until Clay and I have been together for at least two months before starting to have these conversations. Maybe by then I'll have a better idea of what I think of it all too.

Clay mentioned the idea again the other day, in the context of describing a fantasy. Then he said that he felt a little guilty at the thought that I might feel pressured to do something I wasn't ready for. I told him that telling me his desires is always ok, because I know how to say no, and that it's worlds different from, say, bringing it up when I'm in a vulnerable position, such as during kinky sex. He agreed that that would never be acceptable, and told me how safe it made him feel to know that he can trust that yes means yes and no means no coming from me.

It'd be so much simpler to just leave it at "no". It sure would be hot as fuck to share that with him, though.

*

Davis called me today, needing a ride (his car was stolen, found, and towed to a place outside of town within the last 24 hours, ugh, such a hassle). We talked for a minute, and then he laughed, apologized, and explained that he'd just remembered that his roommate was home and could help. I laughed too, because I do the same thing... when I need help, I often reach out to him right away out of instinct, even if it's not what makes the most sense. What a precious thing, to have one person in the world who you know you can always rely upon.

In the end, it turned out he *did* need a ride, and I left work to give him one. In the car, we got into a brief, stupid fight about directions, and I yelled at him. There was profanity involved. It was brief, but really over the top on my part. I apologized profusely once I'd cooled down.

This isn't the first time this has happened between he and I, though it hasn't happened recently. Maybe three times total? I have no idea what to think of it. I never lose control of my temper like that with anyone else. He told me that he forgave me, which was a relief.

I felt even worse for going off on him when he was already feeling so low. He's taken all of this mess with the car very personally. He recognizes that his depression is likely coloring things, but that doesn't change how he feels. This time, I didn't bother bringing up therapy.

Oh! Some good news, though, on the topic of Davis and self-care. After many, many years of putting it off, after some pressure from me the other week (basically, I told him he didn't have a choice, even though I didn't have a thing in the world to back that up with, and it actually worked!), he finally made a dentist appointment. As a result of that, he's going to be getting a bunch of work done over the next month, all stuff that could have been much worse if it had been left to fester longer.

*

Bee is happy and chubby and curious and gives me lots of hugs and babbles all the time and is shy around strangers and is the best toddler in the world.

Argh. What a long, frustrating day it's shaping up to be. And for what a dumb reason.

Clay and I spent the night together last night and had an absolutely delightful time, as per normal. After we went to bed, we ended up talking again about the idea of going barrier-free for PiV at some point (we currently aren't using barriers for oral). At my request, he told me in great detail about his intimate network, who follows what safer sex practices with whom, etc. Some facts to note -- he doesn't have casual sex nearly as often as I thought, instead he engages in casual play of other types (like tying people up). Izzy has about 4-5 regular clients, and isn't taking on any new ones in the forseeable future.

We also talked through a lot of the nuances of our various excitements, fears, reservations, and neuroses about the issue. It was a really good talk, with no resolution provided or expected. He expressed again his worry that talking about it might make me feel pressured, and I again reassured him that it was ok.

This morning, though, I found that I was feeling a little freaked out. This is all really new ground for me, I've used condoms with all of my male partners my entire life except for VERY recently. I wrote Clay an email in which I said that, in the interest of making sure that I don't end up feeling pressured, I'd like to request that we avoid any will-we-or-won't-we conversations about the issue of potentially not using barriers... basically, that he not ask me if I'm thinking about it, not ask me if I've talked to my partners yet, etc. (so far NONE of our conversations have been like that, for the record, it's just been about him expressing his desires and concerns, and me doing the same). I also set a "deadline" of two months from now for when I'd like to give him a firm answer one way or the other. I ended by asking him to let me know what he thought of all that.

He hasn't been online at all today.He's often not online for part of the day, and occasionally not online for all of it, so it's not out of the ordinary. And yet it is KILLING ME to have to wait for his reply. I can hardly think about anything else. Ugh, this is the downside of being this deeply into someone. I'm sure the D/s bent to our relationship has something to do with it too. I'm certain he'll be perfectly fine with my request, but I just really really need him to tell me that.

I just hope that either he responds, or I find a way to stop over-focusing on this, before the dance party tonight. It's actually my birthday today, and a friend has offered to drive us to the club so that I can drink as much as I like, which is exciting. It would be ungrateful of me to not be in a state in which I can have a good time.

Gia is giving me a wonderful, thoughtful gift, and Davis (who already gave me his wonderful, thoughtful gift) has been messaging me with sweet things all day. Dexter wrote me a long, super sweet birthday message too. Clay hasn't mentioned it yet, but, aside from the fact that he's incommunicado today generally, he might not remember -- I only mentioned it very briefly, earlier in the week (I really don't treat it as a big deal).

*sigh*

*SIGH*

If anyone has any thoughts at all about any of this, I'd love to hear them. Am I completely, recklessly insane for even considering fluid bonding with someone who's dating a sex worker (even though he and Izzy aren't having sex right now, I'm treating this like they are, because I know their hope is to go back to it)? I mean, I get that she uses barriers with her clients, and is probably much more careful than someone who just engages in a lot of casual sex might be, but she doesn't really know them as people, it's a business transaction, so who's to say whether they're remotely trustworthy... hell, the ONLY thing we can really know about them is that they engage in a high risk activity (paying for sex).