Thursday, May 29, 2014

You guys, I could not be more confused about what day it is. I tend to post M,W, F, and then I got mixed up because of Memorial Day and posted Tuesday, but in my head it was definitely still Monday. Now it's almost Friday and my first world problems are making me feel foggy and off-balance.

I'm also meant to be on a conference call in exactly nine minutes, so this has to be quick. Because I definitely thought today was Wednesday.

I'm also up to my eyeballs in a huge work project (hence my bribing my 5-year-old with Nintendo time to be quiet during said long conference calls), so will you bear with me and check back for just outfits and Freaky Friday for the next week or so? I've got to put something on hold or my very serious business job will start bleeding into my blog or vice versa, and I'm fairly sure my client doesn't want a 5,000 word piece on why I hate Crocs.

As much as I would love to write that.

Keep up with me via Instagram, Facebook, and a very pitiful Twitter account and we should be back to normal in a little while.

Necklace: Craft fair. It's literally just a letter pendant on a leather cord. See also: Things I could have made myself but instead purchased from other people.

I wore this on one of those multipurpose days when I was hauling kids to baseball practice and grocery shopping but also having dinner with friends. Skinny jeans and booties forevaaaar.

Sorry if none of this makes sense. The last two days have been very warm and I'm still acclimating and I feel sunburned and a little sundrunk. I need a nap. Like I'm literally just waiting around for my daughter to get home to be in charge so I can sleep.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

So I'm a big hat person. I live in them all summer long because a) they obviously keep the sun off my face and b) the idea of blowdrying my hair in the heat is akin to the idea of baking cookies on Jae's scale of "Crap I Don't Need to Do to be Happy."

Therefore, much of the summer is spent with a hat jammed on my head. Here's the thing though: I used to think I was definitely NOT a hat person. Excepting a weird phase when I was 12 when I wore a yellow bucket hat everywhere, I went much of my life thinking that hats were for other people. I have large features, and so hats (especially growing up in Canada, where that meant toques) looked weird on me.

Now I love hats and I want you to love them too. So much of feeling confident in one is in choosing the right type of hat for your features and face shape. Once you've nailed that, you're good to go.

A rule of thumb: For me, pulling off hats also amounts to hair and makeup. I usually leave my hair loose and wavy or in a low, messy bun (again, no blowdrying in the summer) and put a little more effort into my eye makeup when I'm going to be wearing a hat. It makes it look "on purpose" rather than "I just shoved this on my head and ran out the door."

The second rule of thumb is to choose a hat with a brim in proportion to your features. That's why I look sucky in toques (knit hats, for you Yankees). Large features = larger brim. Small features = smaller brim. Yay!

Alright, face shapes:

Heart-Shaped Face

Hey, let's be friends, because I have a heart-shaped face too. That means you have wider cheekbones and a prominent chin, which can make your cheeks look even wider. Luckily, we can rock a classic ball cap like it's our job, which makes me happy. I lean toward vintage caps that add a little height to my face.

Oval Face

If you have an oval face and your forehead, cheeks and chin are all pretty proportionate, you're in luck because you can wear just about anything. Just be conscious of anything with height, since it can make your head look longer. Instead, go for a shorter brim and forehead -- military hats and even rounded straw hats will look best. Just keep the top of the hat (the distance between your forehead and the top) pretty short.

Round Face

Look at you, you little baby angel. If you have a round face, rounded hats will make you look -- you guessed it -- round. Since you have full cheeks and a rounder chin, you'll want something that balances out those rounder features. A brim that slants over one side of your face can help create some angles. You look uber cute in a straw fedora and I am jealous because I do not. You can also choose a hat with a higher, square top to add length to your face.

Square Face

If your face is pretty angular with a strong chin, you want a little femininity in your hat. Don't get me wrong, you look like a total boss in a vintage ball cap. But some softness can help counteract a strong chin. If you do a ball cap, pick one that's a bit girly and you're good to go, otherwise floppy hats are your friend.

Monday, May 19, 2014

So I bought this cardigan last September, thinking it would be my favorite cardi in the world because it had leather inserts and we all know how much I enjoy leather. When I got it, I realized that literally the only thing it really went with was a white tank top. So I wore it like that all winter long and last week I went to pull it out of my closet and was like "NO I SHALL NOT WEAR YOU WITH A TANK TOP TODAY!"

Commence musical montage where I try it on with every piece of clothing I own.

I finally found a match with my favorite camp shirt, so hallelujah, my leather cardigan is a one trick pony no more.

Friday, May 16, 2014

I just remembered why the month of May is the woooorst. Is it me or is there a crazy influx of everything? My 5-year-old's preschool graduation was yesterday and then next week is completely booked up.

Can I just say my that the worst people in the world are officially parents who film entire school programs on their iPads with the cover open? No, you go ahead and take up literally three feet of wingspan in front of my face. I came to watch the entire thing on your screen anyway. Reality check: Preschool graduations aren't that great and your kid isn't that interested and you'll actually never watch a grainy, shaky video of your child singing "Kookaburra" from the back row again. Film one song and cool it.

Clearly I had some feelings after yesterday's activities. So glad that's over. The only part I filmed was when my kid stood up and said "Hi, my name's Andrew and when I grow up, I want to be a cowboy."

Perf.

Hey, this swimsuit is awesome because it makes you look like the quarterback -- complete with jock strap.

Sometimes, I don't have funny quips for clothes. I honestly just look at them and am like "Ugh, what the heck is this slop?"

This is one of those times.

Lipboob. So hot right now.

Enjoy the pentagram this swimsuit burns into your chest, witch.

The description for this romper says that it'll keep you "cool and dry."

I'm not going to get into specifics, but I would argue that there's parts of this outfit that look neither

cool nor dry.

Ahem.

You know I love me a wedge/high top/sandal/Vibram hybrid.

From the "Saved by the Bell Goes to Hawaii" collection.

Other times this would be appropriate for a grown woman:

-You're a Fly Girl.

-You're part of the title sequence for "Blossom."

That's pretty much it.

You're cool, but are you see-though flap on your pants for iPhone usage cool?

Hey, the Green Lantern needs to kick back on the boardwalk too (nerd humor).

Yeah, so sorry if posting gets a little sporadic around here while I schlep kids to various activities and unnecessary school functions for the next two weeks. Seriously, I'm dying for June, after which I'll start complaining that my kids are bored and driving me crazy.

Monday, May 12, 2014

We were at church yesterday and the woman speaking said something along the lines of "I've heard that some people don't like Mother's Day" and my husband shot me a very obvious look. I swear I don't hate it, it's just a lot for someone like me who is very uncomfortable accepting compliments. Also, I feel like more often than not, you end up doing everything a mom does on a regular day, but you have to slap on a smile because you're supposed to love it more than usual.

Whatever. I'm just in it for the presents. My daughter wrote a hilarious book about me and how I love to watch Shark Tank and eat shrimp from Costco, both of which are completely accurate. And my son made me a picture frame, and in addition to my beloved Naked 3, my other half got me a shower speaker so I can blast "Fancy" by Iggy Azalea while washing my hair and a pair of leopard print Reefs because I never shut up about how much I love my Reefs.

I also ate pie and got a three-hour (!!!) nap, so I'd say it was pretty successful. How did you guys do?

I felt like I should have worn something flowy and serene to show everyone what a sweet mom I was, but in the end I was like screw it, I wanna wear a pencil skirt. And very high heels.

I guess it's back to normal life now. Hope you guys all felt loved and well-rested and amazing yesterday. I know that 24 hours definitely isn't enough to thank moms for all they do, but maybe it's enough to wrangle like, at least a week of good behavior from your kids.

Friday, May 9, 2014

Hey, it's the Friday of the Mother's Day weekend, everyone. Here's hoping that all my mama friends have an excellent time. Mine kicked off yesterday, when my husband sent me off to Sephora with instructions to finally go buy Naked 3 (which is an eyeshadow palette, and not something creepy) and it is BEAUTIFUL. I seriously cannot wait to play with it today. I resisted buying it because I thought it would be too pink and I now understand the error of my ways.

I also bought that navy blue midkini from Wednesday. I didn't mean to. It just happened.

I don't have much else planned other than a spin class and a new book for the weekend -- just the way I like it. I also want to sleep in and eat something good. I've become a lot easier to please over the years, I think.

Anyway, let's kick things off with a Mother's Day reminder that while your spawn may have caused you stretch marks, at least you don't dress like this.

'X' marks the spot... heh heh heh.

Also, programming note for those who wear leggings as pants: If they fade like this in the thigh, it's because they're too small and I can probably see your underwear. Size up.

Speaking of swimsuits, can we talk about the tan lines here? When my brothers and I were kids, we'd draw faces on each other's backs (usually when someone fell asleep in the sun) and let them burn and laugh because that's what five siblings do to each other. This suit would be AWESOME for a smiley face.

Sigh. So many missed opportunities.

The closest to becoming a mermaid you'll ever get.

Is it me, or do designers just get uber flustered when designing plus size clothing?

"Sir, we have a plus-size order coming in."

"Yes, well, uh, plus size women like um, lamp tassels and rosettes, right? Oh screw it, just staple the crotch and let's get out of here."

There's no way to not look like your head is on backward in this coat.

This could not be more Duggar-esque.

Speaking of weird TLC families, I've now successfully spotted two of the wives from "My Five Wives" out and about during the last couple of weeks. It's become a Pokemon-like game for me: Gotta catch 'em all!

Look: I own a pair of leather pants. I wear them all the time. But they are a beast to get in and out of and make me sound like a sea lion in a wetsuit when I try to peel them off. Let's now just imagine that times 40 because these are leather overalls.

You'll be the prettiest little grease money at the Sons of Anarchy body shop.

Seriously, happy weekend you guys. Hope you get the respect, love and adoration you deserve NAY COMMAND.

And if not, enjoy the inevitable fight you have with your husband when he realized that he screwed up. Then, enjoy exploiting that screw-up by getting what you want on Monday.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

I know, I know, I'm sorry: It's time to start talking about swimwear again. I know it's the first week of May, but it's going to start heating up and it's good to have a month head start. I know I've been looking around.

Let's just take a moment to thank our lucky stars that there is so much CHOICE when it comes to women's swimwear now. It used to be that everyone had to wear those high-cut Baywatch bathing suits and that wasn't even a good look for the women actually on Baywatch.

Therefore, there is way too many options for you to be scared of swimwear this year. I've been seeing cuts, colors and styles for literally every body type and issue. Moral of the story: Nothing should be between you and the beach (or local pool) this year.

Quick disclaimer: Because swimwear is so touchy (hi, let's hang out almost completely naked) I really don't judge when it comes to swimwear styles. I think it's one area where you should wear whatever makes you feel amazing, whether that's one-piece, tankini, bikini, whatever. Just as long as you're not getting into the pool in like, shorts and a t-shirt because that's comfortable for no one. I don't believe swimwear is like, this personal crusade that defines your whole belief system. It's just a bunch of Lycra, so whatever.

Moving on: Here are some of my fave swimsuit trends this year. Seriously, I am actually overjoyed at all the cool stuff designers are doing to acknowledge that we aren't all shaped the same. Thanks, guys.

I love: Feature Tops

This just in: I have small boobs. But I'm pretty "whatever" about it. And I've come to appreciate the fact that girls will small boobs can pull off looks that some of our generously-endowed friends cannot. I love love intricate feature tops like this one. It adds a ton of interest to the suit (and a little visual pick-me-up). This is adorable -- I'm also loving flutter tops and sweetheart necklines this year too.

I love: Super Chic One-Pieces

If you're more of a one-piece girl, I can totally respect that. I have no torso to speak of, so they can look awkward on me, but I do have one! And how much do I appreciate the fact that one-pieces had a teen movie-like makeover recently? This one could not be hotter with the one shoulder strap and the little peekaboo. Add an oversized hat, a maxi and wedges and I will actually hate you for being so cool.

I love: Flaw-Hiding but Totally Cool Tankini Tops

I'm pretty obsessed with these loose tankini tops lately (which you can find with or without straps). I think they're a perfect way to modernize your swimwear even if you're not ready to put everything on display. They're modest without frumpy, and as a mom who is constantly eating churros at the pool, I can respect that.

I love: Fuller Coverage Tops

Could you not just die from cuteness overload right now? I am definitely into the fuller-coverage sleeve on swimsuits and will definitely probably grab one for myself. Last year I bought a rash guard and loved having something to keep my shoulders covered. Obviously this is less functional, but still so super cute. And there's something so sex-ay about unexpectedly showing a little less skin, you know?

I love: Crocheted Tankinis

You can go ahead and thank Pinterest for this one. There was like, one singular crocheted tankini in existence last year and this year, they're everywhere after it was pinned a bajilion times. Perfect for showing a little skin without committing to a bikini. Just remember that the top is supposed to be a little loose, rather than like, skin tight.

I love: Midkinis

I bought a midkini (a corset-like bikini top that comes lower down on the rib cage) last year and it ended up being my favorite suit ever. I liked that it gave some extra coverage and added a ton of interest to the top half, while looking totally appropriate with more moderately-cut bottoms. It's kind of a vintage-y and girly look that I love. I definitely have my eye on this one.

I love: Ombre Suits

Listen up, girls-who-don't-like-their-hips: Ombre suits are kind of genius. Because they start light and melt into a darker color, they can help minimize parts you might not be in love with. The best part? Ombre is totally on point, so you look really good doing it. Just look for a suit that is lighter at the top -- a pattern like this paired with a deep-v is also super flattering.

I love: Paneling

If you tend to worry about being wide across the middle (or the chest) look for a swimsuit that has panels of solid color down the sides. It'll create a nice, long line of pattern from your neck to your hips and the black is super flattering. I always say it's like the swimsuit equivalent of one of those swimsuit coverups sassy old women wear that have a bikini body printed on them.

Also, plus size girls, I feel ya: Trying to find swimwear that supports the girls and doesn't look matronly is tough stuff. MY only advice is to try on, try on, try on. And then try on some more. Look for moderately-sized patterns and fun details (I love the tie on this one) One shoulders on plus sizes are awesome too!

Alright, does that help remove some swimsuit trepidation? It's pouring rain here, so it's kind of hard to think that we're just a few weeks away from lazy pool days, which I am very excited about. Now -- onto the swimsuit search!

Monday, May 5, 2014

Ahhh I'm excited because it's actually warm and sunny (like, laying out on the grass while my kids run through the sprinkler times) so I'm planning to stay outside as much as possible. Well, after I hit the library and the grocery store MY LIFE IS GLAM OK?

So, in short, I wore this outfit to go see my cute friend and her equally cute new babe in the hospital the other day. I never ever get baby hungry but I'm so glad my friends are still procreating so I can hold and baby talk to something other than my parent's dog. I also am SO much more excited when my friends have babies. Back when mine were little, I was no enthused. If I wanted to look at a baby, I'd just hang out with my own. Now my kids are older I love being the designated baby holder.

Top: H&M here (I swear, all of my friends have this shirt in various colors and patterns. It's super flattering and true to size and $10)

Now, I've already checked preschool and a heinous butt workout off my list, so I must keep up this momentum. And by that, of course, I mean act productive until I remember I have an episode of "My Five Wives" saved on my DVR.

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Jae

Jae is trying to eradicate bad mom fashion, one pair of jeans at a time. What qualifies her to write about fashion? Um, nothing except that she is naturally judgmental and is probably judging you, right now.