It’s official! As of July 1 2017, WomenSV has graduated from fiscal sponsor DVIC–many thanks for their support these past 2 years! We are now our own independent, 501 (c) 3, tax-exempt public charity with our own Tax ID Number: 81-5015102.

From our roots at Los Altos Community Foundation to becoming our own independent public charity, we continue to honor the strength and courage of the 850 survivors who have reached out to WomenSV for services.

Will you help us continue providing our helpline, weekly support group, police/court accompaniment, safety planning, and ongoing education and support around domestic violence to so many of our community members who are trapped in abusive relationships and struggling to get free?

Checks can be made out to WomenSV and sent to P.O. Box 3982 Los Altos, CA 94024 or you can click on the Donate button.

Thank you so much to all of you who have supported WomenSV over these past 6 years and made this moment possible!

To the innocent or uninitiated, it may seem that women in middle-to-upper income areas do not need help, even if they are experiencing abuse. After all, they have money, connections and resources. They also live in nice neighborhoods. They should be able to handle it themselves right?

“Why would I want to help those women when there are so many other people who really need help?”

Quite the contrary, abuse is devastating to every woman and child, regardless of income level. Pain, terror, suffering and lethality risk are the same no matter what neighborhood we come from. The more money, status and power an abuser has, the more tools he has at his disposal to coerce and control, the harder it becomes to leave and the easier it becomes to hide the abuse.Beautiful homes on big properties are idyllic with a partner who loves and respects you. But they take on a different character when there is abuse. As a number of WomenSV survivors have said, “There are places that don’t have cell phone coverage. “There is no one there to hear you scream.” Children become the ultimate hidden victims of abuse in every neighborhood, rich or poor–doomed to bear silent witness and at risk for repeating what they have seen.

Who speaks for them?

In terms of financial resources, women’s abusive partners have very often taken total control of the joint finances, forcing them to sign restrictive pre-and-post-nups. Effective measures are taken to destroy their credit, career, social network and reputation. Most survivors have had their lives threatened. Some have had their children taken away by partners who are doctors, lawyers, engineers or CEO’s. They use their public image and professional credentials to disguise a darker side that is much more threatening and frightening. With so much at stake, so much to lose, it often becomes the lesser of two evils to stay.

The Outcome

Many survivors in our community once lived in nice homes and have since ended up penniless, homeless or reduced to living out of their cars. These women move amongst us every day and we would never guess, because in affluent areas, that sort of thing is not supposed to happen. And if it ever does happen, it’s certainly not talked about in polite society. This is how the abuser gets away with it. Because abuse thrives in secrecy, silence and isolation. It could be your own sister, daughter, best friend, and you may not even know because the secret is too painful, too shameful and too risky to reveal.

As difficult as it is to live with an abuser, no matter how much money she has, it is virtually impossible to leave without outside help and support. She is often isolated, terrorized, made to believe there is no way out. Shame and fear keep many women silent. They are afraid to reach out and share the truth of their partner’s darker side–especially if he is prominent and well-liked in the community. No one could ever guess there was a dark side revealed only behind closed doors.

What does WomenSV do?

WomenSV is the only program in the state, and one of only a handful in the country, designed to help this invisible population. In the past 6 years, WomenSV has helped over 800 women and done trainings for thousands of providers to help them deliver more domestic violence and trauma-informed services.

At WomenSV, women find solace and encouragement in the stories of women who have come before them. They find resources, connection and validation for their experiences. Some end up working for one another–doing house sitting, childcare, starting businesses together, rebuilding their credit, their careers, their lives, creating a sisterhood of survivors–strong, powerful, courageous in their determination to free themselves from abuse–for their own sake, and for the sake of their children. They learn they are not alone. They find friends, allies, connection and most importantly, hope.

Ruth Patrick is the founder and director of WomenSV. Her background is in education, social research and domestic violence consulting. She has a Master’s in English literature, as well as a teaching credential and the 40-hour California state certification in domestic violence training. She is also a published author of a fantasy novel about child abuse (Prisoners Under Glass, ScrollPress).

Ruth previously worked at Stanford’s Center for Research in Disease Prevention, interviewing physicians and therapists to create a curriculum designed to prevent eating disorders in adolescent girls. She then taught this curriculum in the Santa Clara County and San Jose School districts. She discovered that some students had difficulty concentrating in class not because they had ADD/ADHD but because of the trauma they were experiencing at home as a result of being exposed to domestic violence.

She also uncovered a gap in domestic violence services in the northern part of Santa Clara County and in affluent communities in general.

Ruth’s teaching background heavily influences the WomenSV mission which is to raise awareness in the general community about domestic violence in middle-to-upper income areas, to educate clients and providers about the impact of domestic violence on women and children, and to connect individual clients with resources to help them deal with affluent abusers more safely and effectively.

Recent presentations and trainings on Domestic Violence in the Affluent Community include:

A day long seminar for psychologists sponsored by the Santa Clara County Psychological Association for Continuing Education Credit

A training for El Camino Hospital nursing students

A presentation for the Counseling Psychology students at Santa Clara University

A presentation for the Forensic Psychology students at Palo Alto University

We are so grateful to our wonderful sponsors for donating over $1,000.00 in prizes for our Women Rising event:

Thank you…

…to the Los Altos Community Foundation which sponsors our WOMEN/SV program. LACF has donated a free membership with lots of ways to get involved in our community–about 20 different programs—there’s something for everyone! Tons of opportunities to meet new people! And parties and mixers…Come for the wine–stay for the hors d’oeuvres!

…to Kelly for her elegant jewelry

…to Sheri Dodsworth, cpa, accountant, inventor, and co-chair of the los Altos Community Foundation for donating her elegant and practical Port-a-Vault designed to organize and carry all your important documents

…and to the gentleman donor who wishes to remain anonymous for his handcrafted fly box for fishermen/women. Something classy to hold your lures when you go fly fishing—for ladies who like to fish or have sweethearts who like to, it could double as a treasure box it’s so beautifully made! Kind sir, thank you for thinking of the gentlemen in our audience!

…to Jamie’s Main Street Café for donating her restaurant today and for the gift certificate for a delicious lunch—don’t forget dessert!

…to Cook’s Junction for the gift certificate to get something saucy for your kitchen

…to Know Knew Books for TWO $50.00 gift certificates! Bringing back the joy of flipping through pages in a bookstore!

…to Bus Barn Theatre/otherwise known as Los Altos Stage Company for TWO pairs of tickets to see Harold and Maude

… to the Los Altos Town Crier for a one year subscription for new subscribers—be in the know. Get the news while it’s still new!

… to the Chamber of Commerce for a one year subscription for new members—get invited to all the best parties, meet all the movers and shakers in our town. Become one of them—a mover or a shaker!

…to Maltby’s—with entertainment on the weekends—so come on down!

…to Stuart’s Apparel—Get yourself or your honey something nice!

Thanks to all of you for making this special day that celebrates women and healthy relationships even more special!

Last week on Thursday , Feb 14, Women SV, along with several other women’s groups “convened” the community at Main Street Café in downtown Los Altos.

And what a huge success it was, thanks to all the wonderful women—and men!! —who turned out to express their idea of what healthy love looks like. It was SRO—Standing Room Only!! —as you can see from the pics:

And the paparazzi were out in full force! Here’s the link to the Patch coverage which includes a brief video clip:

We all shared songs, read poetry, spoke from the heart. And everyone who participated got a rose, thanks to a generous donation from Trader’s Joes.

People are still talking about the spirit of love, solidarity, and connection that filled the room, proving once again there are no strangers at Jaime’s café—only friends we haven’t met yet. In fact it was so successful that Jaimie says we can do it all again next year. Thanks Jaimie! Thanks to everyone who was there that day—in person or in spirit—and who helped us show the world what “true love” really looks like!

Sarah’s story: One woman’s escape from domestic violence
Written by Ruth Patrick
WEDNESDAY, 06 FEBRUARY 2013

The names and some of the identifying details have been changed to protect the confidentiality of the client, but the essence is true.

Sarah entered my office. She was 40 pounds overweight, with the bent shoulders and apologetic, beaten, hunted look in her eye of a woman who has lived with an abuser for a very long time – 27 years. It’s the look of a woman who has been blamed for everything from his cut in salary to his drinking and their son’s shameful B+ average on his last report card.

Her personality, her spirit, her joie de vivre have been depleted, eroded as a result of living under the tyranny of threats, intimidation, severe punishment, shame, humiliation and constant criticism.

And lurking in the background has been the threat of physical abuse.

He once punched her in the stomach when she was three months pregnant, saying she was incapable of “clear communication.” This is a doctor who also serves on the board of a local philanthropic organization. He has power, money, influence and credibility. She has lost much of hers, due to post-traumatic stress disorder. All he has to do is remind her of the importance of “clear communication” to send her into a state of panic and terror.

She learns that her husband’s abusive profile matches that of a pit bull, subject to frequent, intense rages, and there is even a health condition associated with it: rheumatoid arthritis – which she has. She learns that there are many types of abuse – physical violence is only one of them. And bruises and broken bones heal. The scars from emotional abuse can last a lifetime.

Through the curriculum I teach in my support group, she is beginning to identify the types of abuse and realize that it is not her fault, and that she is not going crazy. She feels validated for the first time in her life and has found in the support group other women she can identify with.

Because of her damaged self-esteem, anxiety and depression – and to build her inner strength for the divorce process – I recommend therapists skilled in domestic violence and lawyers who understand it.

There is tension between Sarah and her 12-year-old son, who is beginning to imitate some of his father’s abusive behaviors. I put her in contact with a parenting coach to help rebuild her self-esteem and teach her how to set boundaries.

Through the specialists I connect her with (lawyers, coaches, counselors), she begins to build a network of support – the antidote to the abuser’s tactic of isolation.

In the past four months, Sarah has lost 30 pounds, regained her health and resumed correspondence with her high school sweetheart, who she says is the true love of her life. She is taking her power back, reclaiming herself.

It will be a long, difficult road to freedom for Sarah, but she is taking it one small step at a time. With the right resources and support, the women in our community are learning that there is freedom, peace, safety, healing – and even joy – on the other side.

Ruth Patrick is a domestic violence consultant and founder and director of the Los Altos Community Foundation’s Women-of-Means Escape Network, Silicon Valley. For more information, email womensv@losaltoscf.org or call 996-2200.

Dear Congresswoman Eshoo
Thank you so much again for that lovely personal letter you sent me in support of my program, Women-of-Means Escape Network, Silicon Valley (WOMEN~SV), a non-profit program funded by the Los Altos Community Foundation.

As you’ll recall, our mission is to raise awareness about domestic violence in affluent areas and to offer women information and resources to deal with it more safely and effectively, not only for their sake but for the sake of their children. Because whether women live in a studio apartment or on a ten acre estate, one thing domestic violence victims all have in common is living like prisoners in their own home.

I am very excited to report that Senator Jim Beall, Supervisor Joe Simitian, and retired Judge Len Edwards (who created the Santa Clara County Domestic Violence Council) have offered their support of my program as well.

I also started a monthly column in our local newspaper the Los Altos Town Crier on domestic violence in affluent communities. If you have time, here is the first one: http://www.losaltosonline.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=44772&Itemid=47

After the shootings in CT, I noted that President Obama and Senator Feinstein will be initiating a dialogue about strategies to prevent this kind of tragedy from happening in the future. I would very much appreciate being a part of this dialogue for the reasons I outline below:

With regard to this horrific massacre in Connecticut, the shooter killed his mother first and then 20 children at the school he went to/his mother taught at (according to some reports). And he apparently used a high powered weapon that belonged to his mother (she owned several).

People are talking about gun control. But I am wondering if domestic violence is a factor here. I realize this is speculation, but for a young man to kill his mother with her own gun and then to turn it on students at his mother’s school suggests something was terribly wrong between them. This young man committed the ultimate form of domestic violence–murder–before going on to take the lives of many innocent children.

As a country, I hope we can open a dialogue about healthy versus unhealthy relationships and start educating our children about what they look like–not just between husbands and wives but between parents and children, and children and their peers, since bullying is the gateway behavior to domestic violence.

Sadly, school may be their only exposure to this kind of information. Yet it could end up saving lives, once they understand concepts like compassion, nurturing, respect, forgiveness, equality, the right to peace and freedom and safety at home, in school, in the workplace. 1 in 3 children raised in an abusive home will grow up to become a victim or abuser. 1 in 3 women will be a victim of domestic violence in her lifetime. Could this young man be one of those children? Could his mother be one of those women?

With many families, school may be their only opportunity to learn that abuse is wrong, no one ever deserves it, and there are other, healthier ways to treat people and be treated.

Teaching these fundamental values and human rights can help better inform and influence the way children learn to treat their parents, spouses, sons, and daughters. And if they learn there is another way, that it won’t always be like this, that they do have options, it might just prevent them from taking their own lives–or those around them.

President Obama talked about making changes in response to this tragedy. Stricter gun control may be one of those changes. But people pick up guns for a reason. We can’t just say he was crazy/a monster/had access to guns. We must ask, Why did he start by killing his mother? What were the family dynamics? According to some reports, his mother was very “controlling”, and possessed a disturbing collection of assault weapons which she shared with her son. People who knew him said he was brilliant but “remote” and a “goth”, an outsider. And she home-schooled him, which in this case would have isolated him even more. I want to know why he was described in this way. Was he bullied? Was he abused? If so, was there no one there to witness it, tell him that it was wrong and he didn’t deserve it? Was there no one to validate his experience, no one to show him what compassion, love, mercy look like? No one to teach him there are other options besides abuse, retribution, hatred, revenge, murder? Was there no one at all?

One healthy adult can make all the difference in a child’s life. When the family fails, that healthy adult could be the teacher. Isn’t “Respect”, just as important to learn as the other “3 R’s”? I hope that educating our children about what healthy and unhealthy relationships look like and offering more resources to help children and young adults that are being abused will be some of the changes President Obama considers.

If you are inviting a dialogue about different approaches and strategies that might help prevent a tragedy like this from occurring in the future, I would very much appreciate being allowed to participate. I believe systemic change must be a part of it–starting as early as elementary school. Otherwise we are only treating the symptom, not the root cause.
Sincerely,
Ruth Patrick