I 've been resisting sharing where I'm at. I've taken a path, and it's not the righteous one of here. The last thing I want is for my words to plant any negative seeds. But fuck it, we're surrounded by a world of porn and worse, and I guess temptation is everywhere and you'll encounter worse than my dubious activity, and if my journal is an example of failure, so be it.

So... right at the beginning of this journey, I mentioned my desire to create 'erotic art'. Well, things were going well here, a bout of devout abstinence etc, and then, ironically enough, I read a post in this forum that mentioned an online community of fetishists, and someone getting a date from there. Curiosity overwhelmed, and I checked it out. (see why I'm worried about sharing? one word led me totally astray)

anyway, I was intrigued and intoxicated. I joined. then I bit the bullet and created my first ever erotic art piece. It was like the last 6 years didn't happen. All my fetishes as precise as ever. More so. And with all modesty, it turns out I'm really good at it. really good. insane amount of 'likes', women contacting me from all around the world asking me to do portraits of them.

throughout this process, one of the main precursors to a relapse has been the thought that I AM a kinky bastard, that it's so ingrained in me. And deep down, truth be told, I guess what I was imagining was going down the reboot route, fixing myself, eventually finding the love of my life, healthily and 'normally'... but then to eventually re-ignite my fetishes with her (and probably to explore the erotic art with her)

this new path suggests that I think I will find my partner through these new fetishistic routes. someone who is as into what I am as I am. within this, pmo, pied etc stops becoming an issue.

I've made equivalent friends to here, there. Women so very into the deepest darkest kinks I am. Supporting me and this venture, in some ways the opposite to the angle of here.

It's a crazy process. i don't know where I'm at. When I'm making the artwork, I am a man possessed. I work for 10+ hours straight, constantly in a state of arousal, there's always weed in my life, but then beer comes into play. Needless to say, after finishing a piece, I am SO sexually tense, release is undeniable, and I revert to the only thing I know as release. PMO. I still hate it. If I could do this art without needing release it would be a different thing, but it feels impossible. Last night I was thinking about all this, and then what my next idea for a piece would be, whether I could create it without pmo after and sure enough, it led to pmo.

The fact that after all those years of trying to block out my kinks, they are still exactly, precisely there. in fact, all the more crystallised. can I actually imagine meeting someone through this path? weirdly, yes, I can. I'm no spring chicken any more, and am not expecting to end up with a young inexperienced lass. this line of thought suggests I can meet someone who has an equivalent set of experiences that has led to them having similar kinks, straight out the box. instead of the gamble of meeting someone through more vanilla routes, and then to discover years down the line, that they aren't into anything I am, and indeed that they think it weird, or perverted. I know, I know, it is weird and perverted. this is the influence of the fetish camp, for sure.

So what am I expecting from sharing this here? For people to tell me it's a bad idea? to try and talk me out of it? to counterbalance the other rhetoric of 'do it! do it!' from the other camp..

do i even deserve that?

God I don't know. One thing is for sure, I know this is not the righteous path. The positive feeling one gets from abstinence, from denying sexual thought has dropped. The flip side is the creative and sexual energy surrounding creating the artwork and taking this path is immense and in many ways it is really exciting.

so i went down the rabbit hole. it was fine, it was fun, it was exploratory.

I was making fetishistic art, enjoying exploring and expressing myself. yes PMO became a regular thing again, though still lessons were learnt from before, and it was a relatively controlled thing. I was kinda at one with things, and happy in a way. mainly I liked being rid of the guilt that I allowed to follow me around during the reboot phase. (but countered perhaps with the guilt of knowing what I was now doing was essentially .. not the right thing..)

But then.. last week.. I accidentally fell in love. Well, I thought this friend, a very old and dear, and BEAUTIFUL friend, had fallen in love with me. She's engaged. She 99% *doesn't* have any feelings for me, it's all just in my head and my misunderstanding and misreading things. Anyway, it doesn't even matter. IT FELT LIKE LOVE. the way she held me and hugged me and looked into my eyes, it felt like love.

It felt like the love from the old days, intense, Dickensian, unrequited, deep, beautiful. That these feelings are based on folly is kinda upsetting, but I choose to focus on the positives. I want love again.

In a moment I closed the account from that fetishistic path, and since zero desire to create any of that perverted work again, zero desire to pmo, all inspired by the feeling of love.

well, one thing I know of my self is that I'm a fickle fucker, so who knows where I'll be in a couple of weeks. But whatever, it all feels good. Well I'm tormented, but it feels like the first time in years I've had any feeling for anything, and I embrace the path of madness that is this life

Huh. My first post here was in 2013, and that wasn't even the start of me trying to give up. 6+ years! forget the above post, it didn't last long, I went straight back to being Mr Fetish Artist, after the pain from the broken heart had subsided. I forgot I posted that here.

But I'm back on the train. Something else has initiated it this time - I've given up smoking weed! After 20+ years pretty much daily, I'm now about 10 days in.It's tough, but getting easier. No weed at all, and since I gave up, no PMO either. It's still early days, but I feel quite resolved this time, and not having weed in my life feels like it might make it much easier. I wonder how much the two are linked..? Fetish art site account closed down. no more PMO.

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