Huffington Post – Masturbation is a touchy subject, which is why “Octomom” Nadya Suleman avoided it for all of her life. But her debut in a recent self-pleasuring porn video turned Octomom into something of an advocate and she hopes that future generations can handily avoid her mistake. She shares the same opinion as former Surgeon General Dr. Jocelyn Elders, who came under fire in 1994 for encouraging schools to teach masturbation. “I believe it is in universities, but I think it should be incorporated into high schools as well,” she told The Huffington Post while on a class field trip to a children’s museum with her kids. “It’s natural.” But when it came time for Suleman to let her fingers do the walking on her own private parts, she was a little lost. Luckily, she said, she got a metaphorical road map from porn actress Jessica Drake, a contract star at Wicked Pictures. “She was like a professor to me,” Suleman confessed, before moving into another part of the museum so her kids wouldn’t hear her. “She was so patient and kind. I thought I was doing everything wrong.” The results were much better than she expected and she has since become a convert to self-gratification. “I never anticipated these results,” she said. “It was shocking!”

Imagine if there was a class on masturbation? Probably coulda saved me a headache or 2 and got me a head start. There was probably about a week long period, maybe 10 days, where I just had a permanent erection in 7th grade. I went around trying to put my dick inside anything I could. I was legit beating my dick – not in the metaphorical sense. I was punching it trying to make it go away. And then I don’t know what happened. I just got some up and down rhythm going and next thing you know I learned what the fuss was all about. It was like an out of body experience where I blacked out and when I woke up I had a mess on my hands. I was like OHHH now I get it!

Anyway yea, if someone could have shown me the ropes those 10 days would have been a lot easier. And forget about it with chicks. You need a goddam professor with a PhD to teach you girls how to pleasure yourselves. Scientists legitimately have been studying it forever and can’t figure it out. Engineers have created electronic appliances to achieve the job. Professors probably had an easier time decoding the Rosetta Stone than they would teaching chicks how to get off.

PS – Good luck ever trying to find an acceptable situation where a teacher at the head of the class sits there explaining how to beat your meat or flick your bean. That won’t be awkward.

So would you get a final grade in this? Because if masturbation counted for GPA I would've gotten into fucking Harvard no question. But it probably would've be very awkward for my parents to open up the mail at the end of the semester and see my report card is all Ds except for an A+++++++++ in Masturbation 101

Speaking of flicking the bean, there's gotta be some better phrases for chick's pleasuring themselves. Opening the curtains? Playing the claw game? Tapping the Rockies? Damn it, I suck at this. There's a million for whacking off, but not many for the ladies. Any really good ones out there?