Archive for March, 2003

Terrorist organizations worldwide expressed great frustration today at the plan for heightened security at this year’s Oscar Awards show. The US government has long known that anti-US terrorists want nothing more than to strike at America’s most precious resources, it’s movie stars. “These celebrities must be protected at all costs,” stated Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge. “We are pulling security away from other potential terrorist targets all over the greater Los Angeles area,” said LA Police Chief William J. Bratton. “No rogue nation or militant group is going to harm our country’s superstars tonight.”

After nearly two thousand years of espousing a strict policy of neighborly love and nonviolence, going so far as to recommend we “turn the other cheek” when struck by an enemy, our lord and savior Jesus Christ this evening revealed that he is in full support of the United States in making a massive preemptive attack on Iraq. In a cabinet meeting tonight, Jesus himself delivered the go-ahead for war directly to US president and born-again Christian George W. Bush with two words: “let’s go.”

US President George W. Bush today revealed that over the past six months he has been secretly investing billions and billions of taxpayer dollars into gambling on the precise date the war on Iraq will begin. Having used hundreds of trusted private citizens as proxies to place thousands upon thousands of separate bets with Internet-based gambling agencies and private bookies, Bush declared that when US planes begin bombing the bajeezus out of Iraq and its citizens in the upcoming weeks, “everybody wins.”

The Brick Testament celebrates its 100th illustrated Bible story today with the unveiling of nine new stories from the Israelites’ continued wanderings in The Wilderness. Join the increasingly hopeless Chosen People as they desperately rebel against God and then face the devastating wrath of the most loving, caring, and merciful being in the universe.

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith reported today that he is seriously considering getting laser eye surgery. “I read this pamphlet about it at the mall, and it seems pretty cool,” said Smith. “I’ve always wanted to have a laser eye.” Smith went on to describe the new things this surgery would allow him to do. “I could shine it on the movie screen when I’m at the theater. OK, that’s pretty lame,” said Smith, “but I bet it could also work as a can opener if I shoot the laser around the edge of the can.” Smith later added that he would try to use his new powers “only for good”.

The US government today put Rev. Smith’s personal terror alert at “green”, which indicates that there is no immediate danger of a terrorist attack against Smith. “As long as he stays out of major metropolises, especially New York and Washington, DC, the terror outlook for Rev. Smith looks quite good. Nothing to worry about,” said an aide to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Earlier in the month, Smith’s terror alert was briefly bumped up to “blue”, or “slightest possibility of danger”, when Smith entered his local town hall to pay his electricity bill.