Remember how I told you that my surgeon wants me to lose weight, 7.5 kilos by the 10th of January, 2017? Remember how he told me to ‘just stop drinking alcohol’?

Remember me thinking, AS IF that is going to work.

Well bloody hell.

6 days of no alcohol and I lose 1.2 kilos!! WHAT?

That’s it?

Ok, people MAY have told me previously that this was the way to lose weight but I really enjoy a drink here and there. I am a great dancer and singer when I have had a couple of drinks. I love those little bubbles tickling my nose……

Live kinda sucks at the moment. I know, it sucks for everyone. I also know, I am one of the lucky ones but, that does not discount my current mood with life.

My passion has gone. There is little to no energy for the day. I have started smoking cigarettes again, drinking too much alcohol, no money in the bank, very little weight loss after walking more than 5kms a day, no excitement about anything, fed up with oncology visits (only four left), seriously dull fiction book, nothing capturing my interest on TV, Foxtel or Netflix, reduction on my food intake but still not much of a weight loss, painful teeth, blocked tear ducts that the optometrist ‘sort of’ fixed but need more painful work, unfinished back garden, Brady upsetting the neighbours with his barking, sore and bruised nose from falling on it last weekend……….. yep, I could go on and on. Oh, and the big issue, AM STILL FAT!

So, I decided a while ago that I was going to be completely healthy and refresh my body. Why on earth would I decide then to take up smoking again? Who knows. I know the dangers of smoking and cancer and chemo and death. The thing is, I dont give a shit about anything at the moment. I wish I could but I can’t.

I have no passion. There is nothing right now that excites me. I am trying to focus on my upcoming November wedding in 2017 but all I can focus on is the fact we have no money, I am fat and our back yard is totally unsuitable for my budget reception.

NO, I am not looking for sympathy but maybe blogging and letting it out might release some of this built up crap that goes on within me.

I am so sick of being so tired. Today, I couldn’t go to work simply due to a headache and tiredness. Who on earth needs to call in sick for these issues? Me! I slept until midday and even then, I could have slept even longer if I didn’t have an oncology/herceptin appointment. I love my work/job but I just couldn’t do it today. If I didn’t have that oncology appointment, I’d probably still be in bed.

Every day my bestie/cousin and I email each other with how we are, whats going on and we list a minimum of three things we are thankful for for the day. I would be lost and even worse than what I am without that.

I think I need to find not only a passion but, I really need my energy and motivation back. I know I’ll find it eventually but wow, these negatives in my life are totally blocking all that I need and want right now. This is a time that I should be joyous, happy that I still have my life, nearing the end of my cancer treatment, a beautiful home, sensational Sam, amazing daughter and mum and sister…….. But right now, it all kinda sucks.

I thought chemo was bad but look at this burn. What you can’t see is the blisters that have popped and are now open wounds. I have a wedding to attend tomorrow and I have this kickarse burn with peeling and blisters. Lovely look hey?

Yes, I am thankful for my life and that surgery, chemo and radiation therapy have saved my life but geez, this really kinda hurts.

Both photos show the burn but not the blisters. Anyhoo, I’ll take it over anything worse.

Last night, I finished a book I had started the other night. I had almost read the whole book on Tuesday night but decided, for what ever reason, to not finish it until last night. Well, let me tell you, I bawled and bawled my eyeballs out. Ok, not literally **spoiler allert** , like in the book – but I have not cried like that since eight months ago when I was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer.

So, heads up on what not to read while dealing with any type of cancer is this.

What made me NOT buy this book initially was the name of the author. He cant help that he was born with the shittest name ever. This is the name of my ‘sperm donor’ that I have nothing to do with. This was the reason I put my back to this book for so long but eventually, it wore me down and I bought it.

Who the hell buys a book about a cancer person while dealing with cancer? That would be me hehe. I thought I had dealt with everything and could get through this book without a tear. I dislike teenagers which is what this book is based on, which is another plus to avoid tears.

Well blow me down with a feather but did I burst the dam last night. I cried and cried and cried at the end of this book. Keep in mind that I am not an overly emotional person!

To cry over a book that some dude called, unfortunately, John Green, wrote, had me in tears over teenagers is totally inconceivable. But I did. I cried so much and for over an hour. Totally exhausting but do you think Dr Hands woke once? Nope.

I shant blame him though because I did quite sobs. I totally recommend this book to anyone who needs a great laugh and a super cry. This dude with the shittest name is quite the author. I just pity him that he was given this name. I also forgive him.

Right, following all this, my amazing and gorgeous mum took me out today to cheer me up with a manicure and painted nails followed by coffee and a gluten free cheese and butter muffin. I didn’t think I was up to this but man, this made my week! I had an absolute blast today with my mum – having laughs, pampering, coffees and muffins and genuine love.

This is what life is about isn’t it? Loving and smiling and laughing no matter what is going on.

I am a man who believes romance should never die, movies make for a great night, custom suiting is a must and creating a legacy is one's purpose. A man who holds true to this understands the gentleman's lifestyle.