John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

The key to recovery is willingness. You can only set an example, you can't do it for them. (Published 8/18/2015)

Q:

How can I help my daughter who is grieving the death of her daddy (my husband of 46 years)? You see, she was drinking heavily and had overdosed on her medications the day he died. She had been with us for weeks prior to my husband's death helping me and her sister care for him, but she was not coping with my husband's illness and pending death. She was so out of it the day of her daddy's passing that she wound up in the hospital in ICU. She is so guilt ridden that I'm not sure she will ever recover. She lives several states away from me in a very small town. Her mental health is declining and it's been a year since my husband's death. She can't seem to forgive herself for her actions.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Janice,

Thanks for your note and question, and obvious concern for your daughter.

One of the more difficult things in life is the attempt to help others, whether or not they have asked for such help. In your note, we can’t tell if your daughter is seeking help and if she would willingly accept it.

The best thing you can do is to get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read at least the first 58 pages [Part One] and then send a copy of it to your daughter with a note saying, “Here’s a book that I found helpful in dealing with my grief, I thought you might find it helpful too.”

If she’s willing to start reading the book, hopefully she will be inspired to take the actions the book outlines that will help her deal with her broken heart.