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Hands Off The Belly

I thought this was an article on The Onion or some satirical site, but it turns out to be true. The Keystone state, those of you who went to state schools I am referring to Pennsylvania, has added touching a pregnant woman’s belly without permission to the list of possible harassment charges. While I have been practicing, I have yet to have the pleasure of birthing babies. So as the possible “pregnant belly rubber”, I wonder: hat if rubbing the belly helps the baby or the mother in some way we haven’t considered? I know most of you are dudes but walk with me …

When I see a pregnant family member or friend I have an almost uncontrollable desire to touch her belly. There’s a little voice in my head that says “touch it …touch it …touch it”. Sadly, guys that voice doesn’t exist for penises. Imagine if it did, but I digress. I said an “almost” uncontrollable desire to touch a pregnant belly because unlike this dude for whom the Pennsylvania law was drafted, I always ask to “touch it”. Now if everyone has to ask to touch the belly before doing so, I can see a lot of awkward situations. How embarrassing would it be to be turned down for a feel? Wait …that is the story of most men’s lives. Oh my god! The Pennsylvania law has turned women into dudes and added another thing men can’t touch without permission. It’s both sad and funny.

On a serious note what if touching the pregnant belly has benefits for the toucher, mom-to-be and/or baby? We know the human touch has tremendous added benefits for burned victims, babies in ICU and the sick. Maybe there is something to that “uncontrollable desire” perhaps akin to the domino effect of yawning. I suppose we’ll find out a few years from now when someone does a study regarding why Pennsylvania children aren’t like the rest of us.