Thursday, September 29, 2011

So yeah, you would not believe the amount of flak I take on this blog...particularly since no one really even reads it besides Josh and Paul. But I finally caved under the constant barrage of complaints....

Turtle Blood Award - Week 2 => McGibblets making a strong comeback after a rough week 1
Turtle Blood Award - Week 3 => Buffalo Renaissance has put up such an astounding performance that from this week forward the Bear Grylls Turtle Blood Male Performance Award shall be renamed as the Bear Grylls Buffalo Blood Male Performance award, because Bear Grylls is the only thing Buffalo would have trouble stealing victory from in the 4th quarter. Congrats Paul!

Speaking of congrats, Bring it on just returned from his honeymoon to discover his entire team is on the IR. Ouch.

Speaking of honeymoons, Balls and Shaft is getting married this weekend! It is my personal goal to ruin his wedding day by humiliating him on the fantasy football field....

Who is that hot chick with Ryan from The Office?

On to the football...

THE SEVEN TIERS OF LUCK

What is luck? The Webster's Definition is "a force that brings good fortune or adversity." In fantasy football, as in life, sometimes you need luck to win, and sometimes luck is the only thing that keeps you from winning. Every game has some semblance of luck, and this week it is my goal to place every team within the SEVEN TIERS OF LUCK, as defined by me. The scale runs from negative from positive in a continuous manner...

Named after a man who had it all but has slipped to new lows, The Corey Feldman Failure level of luck is reserved for those who just....can't....win.

Only one team falls into this category, and that is Fell off my dinosaur. Some might argue that the performance Dinosaur was actually the result of a terrible draft and some poor waiver moves, but I think its just luck.

Tier 2 - George W. Bush Lose/Lose Level

Poor Dubya. The man did his best. He was out there, involved, trying hard to formulate sentences, rule the country, kill terrorists, and seem cool. That is a lot of responsibility. He put forth the effort, but no matter what, shit fell apart around him. But did he quit? NO. Why not? Cause he is George W. Fuckin Bush.

Two teams fall into this group. Bring it on, whose team has been viciously and repeatedly raped by knee injuries is a definite, and keeping him company is Vinegar Strokes, a team with a lot of heart, but who cannot seem to get a win. In week 3 he put a respectable 147, but was trounced by Buffalo Blood.

Tier 3 - The Treasurer Level

No one wants to be the treasurer. President? Hell yes. VP? Sure why not? Treasurer? No thanks. Sure you are important, but no one cares and that just makes it more important for you to let people know you are important...

This category is solely occupied by McGibblets who was so embarassed by his week 1 performance that he came out like a crazy person in week 2, only to fall dramatically back to reality in week 3, despite screaming "look at me! look at me! i had 191 points last week!" over and over again.

Tier 4 - The semi-smart, kinda popular, sort-of athletic guy you saw at the coffee shop that you think was in your high school but you aren't sure level

You know this guy. Well you knew him. Well you saw him. He was definitely there, cause he is in your yearbook. Did he he do much? Nope. Never really dated any popular girls, went to parties, but didn't go crazy. Played sports, but wasn't a star. Got good grades, but not valedictorian. Essentially, he just existed, under a luck-proof umbrella. He is in the 4th row, on the left side, next to a girl who took Latin all four years of high school.

This category is populated by Cunning Linguists and Balls and Shaft. Both were definitely all-stars when they were in high school, but in this league, they sit in the middle of the class, I think....

Tier 5 - The "Chuck" Level

Chuck was a lowly member of the Nerd Herd at the local BuyMore electronics store. Then one day he was given the gift of super spy knowledge, and before he knew what happened he was fake-dating a super hot CIA agent and traveling the globe fighting evil. Sadly, he never really got the super hot CIA agent into bed, and no matter how hard he tried, he was still just a nerd...

Le Toux is a FF Chuck. Am I super lucky? Yes. I put an astounding two goose eggs on the board, won my game, and still outscored two other teams. That is fucking amazing. Will I remain that lucky? Will I land the CIA Agent seen above?

No. I am still just a nerd. And I love my super hot doctor wife anyways....

Also in this group is SackedBySuggs. Alternative group name options include "Yeah we wear purple. What of it?" "The Maryland State Flag is Beautiful!" and "Fuck the Steelers"

Tier 6 - The Tom "I am a douchebag and you are still wicked jealous of me" Brady Level

What a fucking assbag. I just hate Tom Brady. So let's all take a moment to remember this fine day...

In this group is You Will Lose. He is forever man-bonded to Tom Brady. Yeah, in that way. Sick bastard.

Tier 7 - Justin Timberlake Tier

He can sing like an angel. His dancing makes women rip their panties off. He is filthy rich. He is in movies...

And this....

Thats right. Buffalo Renaissance, that sneaky son-of-a-bitch, is grabbing the metaphorical breasts of this fantasy league and squeezing them on national television, smiling while the league just looks on like we have no say in the matter....luckiest bastard alive.

COWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I promised a twin pack of COWS this week, but the jury is still out on the winners...

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Anyone who is going to be at Balls and Shaft's wedding next weekend, please bring your dues. Work guys, you can bring the money to work if you want.

At the end of week 2, one man stands alone at the top of the pile. Cunning Linguists, by some feat of luck or magic, is the only team at 2-0. I would love to say that is was because he was the team that had the least amount of points scored against, but that distinction belongs to Vinegar Strokes with a mere 223 points scored against, combined with an even more mere 221 points scored. Even more shockingly, Fell of my Dinosaur has a shockingly low point total at 203. You have to try to not score 100 points a week.

It was a rough week for real players as well, with Michael Vick and Mario Manningham getting concussed, Jamaal Charles and Domenick Hixon tearing ligaments, Tony Romo breaking a rib and using the chunk to puncture his lung, Cam Newton is wearing a boot, Antonio Gates is missing practice with a severed foot, and the entire Detroit Lions team has a sore shoulder.

The fantasy team that took the biggest hit is Bring it On, who lost his first round draft pick. Le Toux Legit 2 Quit dropped Peyton Manning (undisclosed neck injury) to pick up Rex Grossman to back up Romo. It was not a banner week.

I do not have time for recaps, but I just want to touch on how really, really, really, ridiculously lucky McGibblets was last week. I mean, shit.

I sent out an email about waivers because there was a little confusion last week. Every free agent locks at kickoff on Sunday, so if you need to get someone make sure you get them before kickoff. More info below.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Congrats to Bring It On who tied the knot yesterday with his lovely Irish lady Louise. Those who know John know how happy Louise makes him and how much better he has been at fantasy since he met her....hmmm. Have fun in the Dominican!
Here they are with the Princeton marching band who decided to randomly show up at the wedding.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

One time I was at a bar with George Lucas discussing life, politics, women, and gardening when the subject of sequel quality came up. I contended that he waited too long to finish the Star Wars saga and really didn't bring much to the table with the new movies. Fans were clamoring for more and he should have struck when the iron was hot. George did not take to well to this, stating that he made Natalie Portman a star, he is richer than God and can do whatever the fuck he wants. He said "The longer I waited, the more ridiculous shit I knew I could brainwash people into paying to see."

Exhibit A:

Then he swished his beautiful hair back, punched me in the face, had his way with my woman, and walked out.

And so with that I mind I decided to really make you guys wait this one out, knowing that only anticipation can overcome the lack of quality that is sure to be painfully obvious throughout this post.

Week 1 is behind us and what a week it was. Some close, hard fought games and some totally ridiculous blowouts, both in fantasy and in real football. Lets all take a quick moment of silence for Hines Ward, who is still unconscious from this hit:

Fucking asshole.

This weeks "I got knocked da FUCK OUT" Award, a new concept inspired by this hit, is awarded to none other than MCGIBBLETS, who has a terrible team and is not afraid to show it. Good effort...

I would like to take another second to honor the recipient of the first Bear Grylls Turtle Blood Award - SackedBySuggs. A Thursday-to-Monday sandwich of points with Aaron Rodgers and Wes Welker as the bread. McGibblets never stood a chance.

Sidebar: Look at the awesome things that come up when you Google (TM) image search "McGibblets" (Safe search off of course)

All in all, I think this clearly shows that except for really blasting Dinosaur and McGibblets and predicting Buffalo Renaissance had some nuts, I have no idea what I am talking about.

Also I need to apologize and eat shit on calling out Vinegar Strokes for taking Benson in the 6th. I was wrong on that one.

Leonard Hankerson was a healthy scratch this week, but I think he is definitely going to break out next week.

Game Recaps:

Le Toux Legit 2 Quit vs. You Will Lose

With the assumption that any loss will force "You Will Lose" to change his no longer appropriate team name, I was really pulling for myself to win. Sadly it was not to be, Matt's QB in tight pants, Tom Brady bailed his ass out with a totally unsportsmanlike and uncalled for beatdown of division rival Miami. Matt, when asked if he thought Brady could put up 31 points, laughed audibly and began the name-change process for his team. And yet here we are. I like to see that type of defeatism in my competitors already, but it would have been nice to eek out the win.

SackedBySuggs vs. McGibblets

Enough Said.

Vinegar Strokes vs. Fell off My Dinosaur

A hard fought, low-scoring affair of angry redheads, this matchup has a couple factoids worth noting:

Vinegar Strokes pulled out the win, but will need to step it up next week to keep the streak alive.

Balls and Shaft vs. Cunning Linguists

The closest matchup of the weekend, this one came down to the wire. If it wasn't for stupid Nate Kaeding I think the Shaft would have won out over the the Linguists in the battle of the strangely sexual names. A rough start for championship hopeful B&S, and something strong to build off of for upstart Linguists. Shaft made some big changes on the waiver, and will be hoping for a stiffer performance next week, after a somewhat limp showing.

Buffalo Renaissance vs. Bring It On!

Team 3-Johnsons came out strong and showed why they received the highest overall draft grade with a comfortable dismantling of Bring It On. Owner Paul Miller was said to be quite nervous and angry at Sean Payton, Drew Brees and Mark Ingram for their poor play calling and execution at the end of the Thursday night game, where Ingram got stuffed at the line by a resolute GB defense. Luckily for Buffalo R, the rest of the squad picked up the slack.

and finally the...

Cheerleader of the Week!

Brittnay (pronounced Britt-NAY) Robertson, 26, of Gainesville, Fla, is "super-proud" to represent the storied and noble Jacksonville Jaguar franchise. Brittnay, a 2008 graduate in International Studies from UF reflects on her path to cheering...

"I've spent approximately 3 years trying to find a job in the cesspool that is Florida, and in the end, all I had to do was pretend to like the Jaguars, wear skanky clothing and jump around with a smile on face. They give us full benefits plus a 401k. I mean, shit, right?"

Brittnay is seen above, pretending to be happy that she is forced to cheer for Luke McCown, when, even to her, a complete football novice, it is clear that he is a piece of crap. Later that night, it was rumored that McCown selected her from the field as the girl he would take home (his right as starting QB, according to popular media), but was rejected by Brittnay who was quoted as saying...