Wednesday, March 22, 2006

File under TO for Totally Oblivious

TO is in Dallas. This is great news for ESPN, Donovan McNabb, and Jerry Springer fans. Since I am a Jerry Springer fan I get the willy-nillys just thinking about what could happen. Because once the warm fuzzy Terrell Owens disappears, we get the cold, manipulative, money hoarding jerk we all know and love.

Week 1: TO preaches the gospel of Bill Parcells. TO says “I believe I was sent here by God, like the three wisemen and I have come back to my star.” A reporter asks who then Baby Jesus would be, TO incredulously looks back and says “ME”. The reporters are befuddled by how TO could be four main characters in the nativity at once and the interview ends.

Week 2: TO runs a perfect route on a second and 6 and Bledsoe pump fakes to him before going over the middle to the tight end for the first down. TO shakes his head and smiles. Later he catches a TD. He then runs out the star and does pushups on the star while saying, “Terry Glenn DID catch TD’s, D-I-D, DID!”.

Week 3: TO catches two touchdowns despite a three interception game from Bledsoe. TO says, “You do what you can with what you got. TO’s here so we got a lot.” Woody Paige’s head explodes from the excitement of writing a piece that people might read. Additionally, ESPN sends Sal Palantonio down to cover the proceedings.

Week 4: TO sits the first quarter for missing curfew. He was out with Rosenhaus and his new client Marcus Vick. TO gets in the game and promptly misses a block for Marion Barber. Barber is crunched and coughs up the ball. In a thriller the Cowboys pull out the win. TO leaves quickly with Vick, who, according to Rosenhaus, is “learning to be professional from TO”.

Week 5: TO meets with owner Jerry Jones. TO says he deserves to be treated like the “best wide receiver in the league”, slaps himself in the face, and says “best player in the league”. Jones, visibly tense from an earlier botox injection, massages his head furiously as his hair plugs tighten. TO then offers his plan to be paid in 25% Croatian Kunas, 25% Indian Rupees, and 50% Euros, claiming “TO’s going international baby”.

Week 6: An early bye week for the Cowboys, with the Eagles in town next weekend. Sal Palantonio has been living in the boiler room in Texas Stadium for the better part of the month. He has been giving live reports from Cowboys practice for over three weeks. McNabb refuses to speak about TO to the media from the set of his new Chunky Soup commercial with a newly 450-lb Jerome Bettis. Louis Farakhan offers nuggets of wisdom to both men to heal their communities against the white devils. ESPN interviews TO and Rosenhaus. It goes well but is cut short when Rosenhaus is informed Marcus Vick exposed his “happy meal” at a local McDonald’s.

Week 7: People realize that by God, there is a football game attached to all this madness. TO catches three passes, while Terry Glenn has a career day against the Eagle’s secondary. TO leaves Texas Stadium without speaking to reporters. Parcell’s credits the offensive line for giving Bledsoe the protection to make the throws.

Week 8: Rosenhaus, in his strangest PR stunt yet, claims that TO was so upset with his performance that when Rosenhaus came to visit, TO had been standing naked in front of a mirror before sleeping 20 hours in his Hyperbaric Chamber. This is the top story on ESPN and John Clayton spends half the episode explaining the advantages and disadvantages of a hyperbaric sleep. It is roundly agreed amongst reasonable people that ESPN has no interest in football.

Week 9: TO catches two touchdowns and makes a game saving tackle off a Bledsoe interception. In the post game press conference TO says, “How many players out there on that field? How many offensive lineman? How many receivers? How many TO’s? How many players make that tackle? One, just one…TO! I ain’t seen no one else run after him but TO. Why? Cuz TO want it worse than anyone else. Now pay TO his Kunas!”. Owens then exits and before slamming the door, takes off his shirt and says, “Jeff Garcia’s still gay”.

Week 10: The Cowboys play the Cardinals so basically there is no storyline. The good news though is that ESPN execs churn out a TV movie, “TO: Misunderstood”. A buff Todd Bridges plays TO, complimented with a post-rehab Gary Busey as Coach Andy Reid and Stephen Baldwin as Drew Rosenhaus. Surprisingly the movie is better than “3” and “Season on the Brink”. However, that is like picking between Kid ‘n’ Play, Kris Kross, and Rex ‘n’ FX as the most influential artist of the early 90’s.

Week 11: Drew Bledsoe and TO meet to discuss the season and the run to the playoffs. Later that week, the Cowboys dismantle the Giant’s thanks to a career day by Bledsoe. Bledsoe credits his linemen and the receivers for running the routes. TO, finishing with six catches and 1 TD, is furious he is not singled out, completely forgetting that he humped the goal posts in the end zone after scoring and that not singling him out might be a good thing.

Week 12: TO holds an impromptu press conference at his home gym. In between sets of pec flys he explains his unhappiness with the quarterback situation. Additionally he claims that Parcells is a “good coach”, but not a “great motivator”. TO then moves on to the bench press where he says he could make Parcells a Hall of Famer and Bledsoe an all-pro. Later at the leg press he calls Larry Allen fat and mentions Bledsoe is light in the loafers. The Cowboys lose on Sunday.

Week 13: By this point no one is speaking to TO. While wandering around Texas Stadium, TO walks into the boiler room and finds Sal Palantonio. TO takes pity on him and offers him the exclusive scoop on TO in Dallas.

Week 14: ESPN focuses NFL GameDay, NFL GameNight, SportsCenter, Outside the Lines, BassMasters, ESPN Outdoors and Stump the Schwab on TO. After reading excerpts of the interview with TO, Larry Allen confronts him. He dumps TO out of the water bath and pins him to the ground. TO, expecting a confrontation has brought pal Marcus Vick with him and upon site of him, the situation quickly dissipates. It’s the first time a gun has been in the locker room since Barry Switzer was coach. On the way out, TO says to Bledsoe, “I know you liked that.” Everyone scratches their heads.

Week 15: Donovan McNabb laughs heartily as the Cowboys slip from the playoffs. TO challenges the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders to take the spotlight from him. He is then reminded by Rosenhaus that they simply don’t have time for such pettiness if they are to be sure that no NFL team ever dares to sign TO again. Then they meet at a posh eatery with Stalin and Beezebul to talk shop.

Week 16: TO breaks his finger in a routine practice drill. Despite doctor’s recommendations that he can play, TO insists that it really hurts. Parcell’s, disgusted with his receiver, threatens to harm all of America by doing color-man work on Monday Night Football.

Week 17: TO ends the season on the bench. With the Cowboys out of playoff contention, Drew Bledsoe mulls retirement. Parcells thinks about it as well. Jerry Jones returns to the same logical man that thought Dave Campo could coach the Cowboys and somewhere, Paul Tagliabue laughs. Next season TO discovers the value of foreign currency, pulling down massive amounts of Guilders for the Amsterdam Admirals catching passes thrown by their young QB, Marcus Vick. In my mind, this has been the best football season ever.