Last year, my kid started cranking the Phineas and Ferb Christmas album sometime in October. OCTOBER. Then came The Polar Express on an endless loop of “hot, hot, hot, HOT CHOCOLATE” and the terrifying dead eyes of the motion capture monstrosities masquerading as children. It was awful, but these movies? These are worse. So much worse. Why? Maybe it’s because of the “stars” in them. Perhaps the plots. All I know is that I would rather watch just the sad song scene from The Polar Express for a week straight without any alcoholic refreshments to assist in the alleviation of my suffering.

ABC Family cooked up this made-for-television movie starring Mike “The Miz, And Also I Was On The Real World Back In 1992” Mizanin as a man with a fiance hiding a family secret from him. HIJINKS ARE SURE TO ENSUE.

This is the second piece of shit to star Jenny McCarthy as Santa’s daughter and Dean “Mr. Tori Spelling” McDermott as her love interest or whatever. THE FIRST ONE WAS SUCCESSFUL ENOUGH TO SPAWN A SEQUEL. Even the trailer is embarrassed.

This one has a dog orphanage. Why they don’t call it a shelter is beyond me, but this orphanage is in trouble! Sean Patrick Flanery grabs his brother and together they wreck holy vengeance upon those who would destroy the puppies and their home! Wait. That’s The Boondock Saints 3: Great Puppy Rescue. This bullshit is set in the Great Depression, when people were probably TOTALLY all about making sure dogs didn’t die at Christmas.

One asshole, played by Daniel Baldwin, files a complaint against all of the decorations that say Christmas. He also hates Christians. You guys, I think this movie might have a message of some sort. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I think the people who made this movie want me to understand something about giving up all of my personal rights in order to placate the majority?