Obama marries ‘Clock Boy’ in private ceremony

WASHINGTON — Proving that true love knows no political bounds, President Obama has married a former Texas high-school student in a private ceremony at the White House.

Ahmed Mohamed, who was briefly detained by Irving police in September after bringing to school an item said to resemble a hoax bomb, is “the one,” according to White House press secretary Josh Earnest.

“[Mohamed] is a good kid, with an adorable, rascally smile, and he shows a huge amount of talent for taking apart household electronic devices and putting them back together,” Earnest said. “It’s no mystery why he caught the eye of the leader of the free world.”

During a toast at Monday’s intimate reception, surrounded by a small circle of friends and a reluctant ex-wife Michelle, Obama spoke about his decision to tie the knot anew.

“The usual band of cynics are calling this a love affair designed for the media, a marriage of convenience, a ploy to boost my legacy as a lover and protector of disaffected youth,” he said. “I want everyone to know the truth: Ahmed is my best friend, my soulmate.”

“Even before I read about Ahmed’s victimization at the hands of feral redneck cops in Texabama or Arkansippi or wherever he had the misfortune to call home, I knew he was out there, somewhere, waiting for me to pluck him from obscurity,” he continued. “He may be known as ‘Clock Boy’ to the rest of the world, but to me Ahmed is the wee tinkerer of my heartstrings, the tiny engineer of my soul.”

Mohamed’s father and publicist, Mohamed ElHassan, has expressed approval of the marriage, saying that it will “do wonderful things” for the Ahmed brand and may even lead to a second World Victimization Tour starting as early as summer of 2016.