Thank you for expressing interest in Goblin Hoskins University. We don’t receive many inquisitive young _human_ applicants, but don’t let that discourage you. Many of our human graduates go on to lead very fulfilling and entertaining lives.

As you can see from our grasp of words like “inquisitive” and “applicant,” Goblin Hoskins University is a school of higher learning, with the distinction of being the only such school founded by goblinkind.

The story of that founding begins with professional goblin con artist Bulygyrt the Bold. Under the name Argosy Hoskins III (and while wearing a false beard), Bulygyrt was hired by the Royal University of Ragmark as a professor of panbiological entropy, a discipline he made up but which sounded impressive in a course catalog. His cynical lectures on everything from humans to hookworms endeared him to both students and faculty, giving him enough influence to persuade the school into funding his (entirely fictional) studies on the moral and ethical decline of unicorns.

After faking his own death in a unicorn-related explosion, Bulygyrt took the money and founded his own university. He originally planned to buy several blocks of property in Malverna’s Pipefitter’s District, but since boxes of matches were cheaper, he embarked upon the more economical real estate venture known as the Great Malverna Fire of 194 A.G.

Bulygyrt had long dreamed of a university of his own, one that would teach goblin ideals. Humans, as you’re no doubt aware, have monopolized higher education for hundreds of years. Bulygyrt held strong opinions about that. As quoted in his biography: “If humans can educate themselves to earn more money in competitive careers, surely goblins can educate themselves to steal all that extra cash.”

Our motto, “You Can’t Handle the Truth,” stems from an exciting curriculum of clandestine activities. Studies in arson, backbiting, deceptive economics, kidnapping, and black marketeering have long been student favorites. But perhaps you’re looking for something a little more respectable. Our new Legitimate Business School has been favorably reviewed by nine mercenary outfits across the Continent, and our magical studies program offers courses such as Kleptomancy 101 and Reverse Engineering Magical Runes which have received top marks from legendary necromancer Rufus Blackheart.

Of course, campus life is far more than just class and studies. As a new student, you would live in the dormitories of infamous Nyarmire Hall (formerly the meeting place of the Leadworkers Guild, Malverna Chapter). Strategically located within the burned out ruins between Old Spigot Street and St. Pancreas Hospital, it’s surrounded by a stimulating array of interesting historical sites, taverns, and houses of ill repute.

Goblin Hoskins University prides itself on its diversity, accepting students from clans and warrens as far north as Sherep and as far east as the Palisades. Our standards for human applicants are particularly strict; traditionally, all human students must be disease free and weigh over 250 pounds. Participation in the New Student Orientation Feast is mandatory. I’m sure you’ll do fine.

Again, thank you for you interest. We hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,
Yogmirth the Perverse
Dean of Admissions

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Andrew Kaye is a writer from Northern Virginia. When he isn't toiling away on his latest story, Andrew draws cartoons, edits the online humor magazine Defenestration, and teaches his son how to babble incoherently. Feel free to bother him at his livejournal (andrewkaye.livejournal.com).