18 April 2012 4:59 PM

Depression can fell the strongest of people

The Bath and England rugby prop forward, Duncan Bell, has said that he will retire from playing rugby at the end of this season. He has been battling with depression for many years and will now develop his company, Bell Financial Services.

Prop forwards are tough. They don't come tougher than that. They're as strong as Sumo wrestlers but they run fast as well. In my school days, if a prop forward was bearing down on me in a rugby game, I would wave him on. Duncan Bell, as a professional, can't do that. When he meets another fast Sumo wrestler, he has to stop him.

Terry Pratchett fans will recognise that I take after the wizard Rincewind in his 'Discworld' novels. He was renowned for his cowardice. So was I on the rugby pitch. (Being very short-sighted didn't help: I couldn't see the ball.) Duncan Bell is renowned for his strength and courage.

So how does it happen that a giant of a man, in physical stature and bravery, could be felled like a tree and come crashing down?

He has played for Bath over 200 times and represented England five times. Another England forward was a general practice patient of mine. It was scary just being in the same room as him, nowhere near a rugby pitch. Duncan Bell would go head to head with these Leviathans week after week - and also in training.

Bath chief executive, Nick Blofeld, describes him as a 'larger than life character'. There was clearly nothing obvious socially to indicate his inner torment.

People who are in emotional difficulty do not necessarily bow their heads and weep. They may be determined to put on a brave face to the world. They may do their very best to socialise. They may even be the life and soul of the party - determinedly so - until the mask comes off when they are on their own.

I cannot write about Duncan Bell. I do not know him. I would not write about him if I did. But I can write about my own experience.

Thirty years ago I was the senior partner of a group medical practice that I myself had created. I chose my partners and the staff. I had a wonderful wife and three exciting children. We had a lovely home and a beautiful cottage in the country. I had everything I could possibly want - and more.

So why did I stand on the edge of the platform in the tube station? And, later, why did I go to Belfast at the height of the troubles to try to get myself shot?

I didn't throw myself under a train because I didn't want to distress the driver or any witnesses. For the same reason, I didn't use other methods of ending my life if it would cause other people to suffer. Inevitably, my family would be distressed but maybe the Belfast ploy (I described myself as an investigative journalist) might disguise my true intention and leave no argument over payment of my life insurance policies.

It sounds all very melodramatic and pathetic now. But, at the time, it was very real to me. I had everything on the outside but nothing on the inside.

I had previously discovered various mood-altering substances and processes that temporarily dispersed my gloom. I think I was born with an involutional melancholia, a moroseness that turns itself inwards into my spirit. I see that now as evidence of my addictive nature.

I always need something to change the way I feel and give me the sense that life is worth living.

I don't call this 'depression' because that word means too many things to different people. It is easily confused with sadness that can happen to anyone as a result of unfortunate events or circumstances.

This desperate sense of inner emptiness had no external cause. It was part of me.

In due course it formed the basis of my clinical understanding that led me to establish an addiction treatment centre.

Nowadays, despite the destruction of that centre and the death of my wife, I am in good spiritual shape. I have no religious belief. I take no medication. The principle that works for me - and for many other people - is that, on a daily basis, I feel better when I take the focus off myself and reach out to help other people anonymously. This is totally separate from my professional work.

It seems that Duncan Bell has discovered that approach for himself. He has helped the Rugby Players Association to produce a video for use in their mental health seminars.

Good for him. That shows real, fundamental, down to earth courage and strength. I wish him well.

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DR ROBERT LEFEVER

Dr Robert Lefever established the very first addiction treatment centre in the UK that offered rehabilitation to eating disorder patients, as well as to those with alcohol or drug problems. He was also the first to treat compulsive gambling, nicotine addiction and workaholism.
He identified 'Compulsive Helping', when people do too much for others and too little for themselves, as an addictive behaviour and he pioneered its treatment.
He has worked with over 5,000 addicts and their families in the last 25 years and, until recently, ran a busy private medical practice in South Kensington.
He has written twenty six books on various aspects of depressive illness and addictive behaviour.
He now provides intensive private one-to-one care for individuals and their families.

He has written twenty six books on various aspects of depressive illness and addictive behaviour.

He now uses his considerable experience to provide intensive private one-to-one care for individuals and their families.