I know I'm not keeping up. I'm trying to read everyone on my google reader and I get so enthralled with everyone's posts, I run out of time to write my own. And, being honest with y'all, I've been pretty darn boring lately. Case in point...

Oprah's cancelling her talk show doesn't bother me except for the fact that she is now free to pursue her real goal - World Domination. Mark my words, there is nothing that woman can't do.

I haven't seen "New Moon" but I am very excited to go see "2012". Nothing turns me on like a movie with no vampires.

I'm gathering low-carb, sugar-free recipes for Thanksgiving Dinner. There are some unusual ingredients on my list. I'm hoping, firstly, that the cauliflower mashed 'potatoes' aren't grounds for divorce... and secondly, that Claim Jumper is open on Thanksgiving Day. Just in case.

Look closely at these images. Yes, it's the same girl in both pics. This is Filippa Hamilton, a Ralph Lauren model. What happened to her between pic 1 and pic 2? Did she develop an accelerated case of anorexia or contract a flesh wasting disease? What ailment is it that makes her head bigger than her pelvis?

Filippa was the victim of Ralph Laurens overzealous Photoshop staff. They were given a mandate to make Filippa look like a cardboard cutout because THAT is the image they want to portray. Because THAT is what they think sells their product.

To make matters worse, RL then FIRED Filippa for being... wait for it.... TOO FAT.

If that 120 pound, five foot ten 'twig' is FAT, then there's no hope for me... I am gargantuan by comparison. I have worn RL in the past but who could possibly fit THOSE clothes?

RL did suffer a bit from the media backlash. They issued statements and withdrew the picture but not before I saw it.

As a result they have officially joined my "Companies in Cahoots With the Devil" list. I'm throwing out all of my RL products. Except my decorative throw blanket, I like that. And my cotton sheet and pillowcase sets... they were expensive... and my plaid sweater, it's really warm... or my jacket... it goes nicely with my cords... and my jeans... they fit so well, but everything else... IS GOING!

When my daughter asked me what she should do about her friend using bad language around her, my suggestion was that she politely ask the friend to not say words like that in her presence. I told her that most people respond well to this request. I also mentioned that it wouldn't hurt to cultivate new friendships with less mouthy friends. I suppose I should not be surprised that my suggestion morphed between leaving the house and arriving at the schoolyard. What she said: "My mother said I can't play with you anymore unless you quit using bad language."

Perhaps her courage failed her when she approached the girlfriend, peer pressure weighing heavily on her, so she chose to remove herself from the (perceived) prudish request and instead placed the blame for it solely on me.

As a mother, I am accustomed to taking the rap for things. I've had many a conversation with teachers, grocery managers, checkout operators and youth leaders attempting to readjust their opinion of me, formed from the unfortunate choice of words my children have used. Like... "My mother told me if I didn't finish cleaning my room, I would not be allowed to eat for a week. That's why I don't have any lunch."
And, "My mother gives me so many chores... scrubbing the floors and toilets, walls and ceilings, that I don't have time for homework."
And, "I was going to hand in the $20 I found on the deli counter at Albertsons but my mother wanted it."

This is the one that had me on the phone for half an hour: "My mother told me to hit back. It's called 'self-defence'."This is my all time favourite delivered to the school counselor... "I got this (horrendous black and purple) bruise from walking into a door. My mother didn't hit me or anything." (The child walked INTO a DOOR.)This doesn't mean that the kids don't stick up for me at times. I have overheard C telling someone that I make a pretty good loaf of banana bread... "It tastes good, if you ignore the hard brown bits and if she uses real sugar not that fake stuff, and if she doesn't put that organic muck in it... it's not that bad."

Now that Michael Jackson is IN again, my large MJ cd collection is impressing my daughters no end. Surprising because, just a few months ago I was constantly being told to, "Stop with the eighties music already!"

Nowadays, I might be the teensiest bit cool. I can even sing "Billie Jean" all the way through without a kid sneer.

I wonder if I was so musically fickle at that age?

(Picture of C with the Beehives after their Thriller dance at the Halloween party. Truly scary. I mean the amount of hairspray that went into this. Scary. )

We went to a ward Halloween party. The church had been turned into a haunted house and the place was filled with the sound of kids screaming. They had games and music and fun and food. Enough food to feed a couple of third world countries. I can't tell you how much I love that about our church...

Meet Agent M from Men In Black:

Meet Zombie C...

And Queen of the Undead, A...

No smiles. Staying in character.

'Twas a great night trick or treating. A bountiful haul. I paid the kids for their candy (I do it every year, and because they love cash more than sugar, they take the money with obscene amounts of glee.)
Now, what to do with the candy? Maybe I could give the lot to Cheryl who is sending her candy to the starving children in Africa. Because every starving child needs candy. Let's face it.

The Ready Store

Hilariosity...

Daughter: Mum tried to throw me off the top of the Empire State Building but there's a fence around it so she couldn't.--------------------

Son: What was Jesus' real name?

--------------------

Son: (At the Christmas tree lighting ceremony) What's happening now?Mother: They're about to light the tree.Son: On FIRE?(It's hard to adequately portray the glee with which this was said.)--------------------Daughter: Who is Tiger Woods?

Sister: May I have some of your cake?Sister: From the bottom of my bottomless stomach... NO.--------------------Son: (observing the High School classrooms) I know why the windows don't open. So the kids can't escape.--------------------Son: (upon discovery of contraband in pants pocket) I was just looking at it! Only a gangster would take a cap gun to church!--------------------Daughter: Hey! You can't copy what I wrote! That's polygamy!--------------------Daughter: Isn't Mark Twain like, "old" and "dead"?--------------------Grandmother: I'm 84 but I've got a good life... I've got my family, I've got my friends... Wait, no! All my friends is dead!--------------------Sister: I'm going to open the door but I'm sitting on the toilet so don't look, ok?Brother: okSister: I TOLD YOU NOT TO LOOK!Brother: But you're blocking the view!--------------------Sister: I spoke to her and she agreed.Sister: Is she awake?Sister: No, I talked to her self-consciously.--------------------13 yr old Daughter: What do I do with the bun in the oven?Mother: ...choke...--------------------Child: It's the shape of a box, only it's round.----------------------Child: Can I have some chocolate?Mother: Eat lunch first.Child: I did.Mother: What did you have?Child: Nothing.