I had an encounter with a transgender woman I need advice/wisdom

So for close to a year now I've had a curiosity with "t girls". It started off by watching regular straight porn which I do once in a while like any regular guy would, I enjoy it. One day it came up as a reccomend video I didnt know untill a few minutes into the video that she had the extra appendage. I was freaked out at first but also oddly turned on by it. I came and didnt really understand why this was doing it for me I was confused but, It was doing for me what regular porn was not for a while, which was a strage excitement that got me off.

Although it was stimulating, Every time I would finish I would immediately be grossed out at what I had just done. I'd turn it off and wonder why I would do this in the first place. I thought To myself its like taboo material you know? Something naughty your not supposed to do and I think that's what gives me that excitement, like the first time I discovered porn, it was a big turn on. I do not like men at all, the masculine body does nothing for me, that I know forsure. when I do look for it "she" has to be passable in other words you wouldn't be able to tell she was a man except for downstairs obviously, those are the only ones I like. If "she" looks to much like a man still it ruins it for me and I move on to the next video. I'm comfortable enough with myself to know it's just fapping material for me nothing more... until one day I got into in my head that I'd like to try it, the idea really turned me on.

A good while had passed before the idea popped back into my head, and of course it was starting to turn me on. I went looking online for someone who met my check list and found somebody. When this happened it suddenly got very real and I was both scared and excited. I figured I'd chicken out as I'd never done it before and probably wouldn't get a response anyways. To my surprise they agreed to meet and for some reason it seemed like a good idea to me also I was horny so that made the choice easier. I took a shot of liquid courage and smoked a bit before meeting this person. We met they were nice and attractive but also I knew in the back of my head she was not like every girl I'd been with before at this point. We had a few drinks which made me calm and more open to what was about to happen.

We went to her place and immediately my heart was racing. I was scared but also excited to finally itch this scratch I had. We sat on the couch and watched TV for a while, she offered me another drink I said ok. At this point I was on a really good buzz she placed her had on my lap next thing I know she was giving me oral. I was ok with this but I knew at that moment I was not going in her and she was not going in me that was forsure. I said ok I'll get this and then be on my way, I got into it and started to touch her aswell I figured I'd do that much at least, plus I was in the mood and drunk. As she was doing her thing she placed her body over me like she was wanting me to do the same to her. At first I was like naw I dont think I'm gonna do that, I had come to the decision that oral was all I wanted, it had gotten to real at that point and I was feeling strange. That last drink kicked in and well I said f$%# it if I'm gonna try it once I might as well give it a shot I'm already here. I gave her oral for about 2 minutes which was very weird for me not what I had expected. I finished first as she had been giving me oral for a while and just like when I watch the videos at home, i became very grossed out about the situation and deeply regretted doing what I had just done. I never in a million years thought I'd do that and it was not kool I felt like I had betrayed myself.

I told her that I had to leave, and that it wasn't her fault or anything she did. I just had to excuse myself from the situation. When I went home I layed down in bed and felt really bad like I had just betrayed myself in some way. I felt gross and zoned out. The next morning was just as bad I felt like I'd lost my man card, like I was less than i was before i did that.
Later I realized it was just an experience nothing more and nothing less. I had to try out in order to really know that this wasn't for me. I'm just feeling weird at the moment, floating I a sea of regret. I'd just like to know what to think of all this. If anyone has any wisdom to give me. Its been 48 hours now.

Also I needed to get this off my chest I couldn't tell anyone I knew about this I dont think they'd understand. And I'd feel like a weirdo. I thought It would give me that rush, but in the end it was too real. I did not enjoy what I did and will not be doing this ever again.

I think you're going to have to frame it as sex is sex and it doesn't really have anything to do with logic or right and wrong. Arousal is a feeling, plain and simple. Like emotions, it needs to be regulated with your rational mind so that you do not behave in an undesirable way. You failed to regulate it. That's all. It doesn't make you a bad person. You didn't hurt anyone. But now you are left with regret for something that you can't undo.

I think you're going to have to frame it as sex is sex and it doesn't really have anything to do with logic or right and wrong. Arousal is a feeling, plain and simple. Like emotions, it needs to be regulated with your rational mind so that you do not behave in an undesirable way. You failed to regulate it. That's all. It doesn't make you a bad person. You didn't hurt anyone. But now you are left with regret for something that you can't undo.

Yeah you're right, it was just a physical exchange in the end. I have come to terms with what I did, and feel less regretful about it. I'm happy it didn't go any further then what happened initially. Although I cant undo it, I'll be giving my decisions a lot more thought in the future.

I think a lot of us in this world have done something that we later regretted doing but as I've always said, better to regret and have done then to not have done and been plagued by what-ifs.

Like a lot of us in this world, in time your experience will fade from your memory and your guilt will diminish until it's extinguished. Forgive yourself.

IMO its only a bad thing if you keep doing what you know is going to cause you this kind of anguish so if you have a voice in your head to experiment for that "rush" yet again, then maybe you'd do well to talk to someone professional about either learning to partake without the guilt or helping you to not give into the urge.

I have a different take on it. Why exactly did you feel bad or shamed? Are you scared someone you know is going to find out and judge you over it? Are you scared of being placed with a label? It is because you've been taught that this is wrong and can't overcome that stigma in your head?

You enjoyed a sexual act with another person. Yes, it might not have been the norm, however it was your own private business and it was your own choice.

You do however, need to be careful on how you go about this. You can't be having sex with strangers and not using a condom (Yes, even with oral!!).

But as for the rest of it, I think you need to sort out in your own head why it is you feel shame. It almost sounds like someone who hasn't come to terms with their own sexuality yet and is struggling.

First is self acceptance of who you are. That is more important than anything else.

You are having an internal struggle and you need to get to the bottom of it.

I have a different take on it. Why exactly did you feel bad or shamed? Are you scared someone you know is going to find out and judge you over it? Are you scared of being placed with a label? It is because you've been taught that this is wrong and can't overcome that stigma in your head?

You enjoyed a sexual act with another person. Yes, it might not have been the norm, however it was your own private business and it was your own choice.

You do however, need to be careful on how you go about this. You can't be having sex with strangers and not using a condom (Yes, even with oral!!).

But as for the rest of it, I think you need to sort out in your own head why it is you feel shame. It almost sounds like someone who hasn't come to terms with their own sexuality yet and is struggling.

First is self acceptance of who you are. That is more important than anything else.

You are having an internal struggle and you need to get to the bottom of it.

I felt bad because in the end the curiosity and thrill got the better of me. After my experience with this person I knew it wasn't for me. I'd never do this again. porn is one thing, no participation needed safe. It's another thing to do it in real life, I did not enjoy it after the fact.

I know I'm not gay, I dont like guys. As for t girls all it was for me was taboo material to spank to. After some deep thought, I'm taking it as just a physical exchange between two people nothing more nothing less.