Mom shares tips for traveling with children

I am not an expert at many tasks. My desk is in constant clutter, my fashion sense leaves much to be desired, and my ability to decorate cakes is on par with a 7-year-old.

But traveling with children? Solo? For thousands of miles? For a month?

I've got you covered, baby.

Just call me the Martha Stewart of the highway, the Bob Villa of hotel reservations or the Bobby Flay of fruit snacks.

I'm positive this type of travel is not recommended by AAA (or even my mother) and has never been articulated in a travel magazine. But out of necessity, it was our best option to get us from Point A (Montana) to Point B (North Carolina) via Points Q, F, W and K.

With a short jaunt to the south side of sanity.

Here is the to-do list:

1. Pack like a pro. Pack by days, not by child.

• Step 1: Go to a dollar store and buy Ziploc bags large enough to hold a yak.

• Step 2: Wash all the clothes and don't let them wear anything cute for a week.

• Step 3: Pack clothes in one bag for everything you will need in a day — PJs, day clothes, underwear — for you and the children. This was especially helpful when I would roll into a hotel at 9 p.m. I'd grab the rolling suitcase encasing one yak-sized Ziplock bag and one with toiletries, and I'd be done.

2. If you have room in your vehicle, pack a baby potty for those inopportune moments when the toddler just fell asleep or you are on a mountain switchback with no facilities within a state line and your 5-year-old swears she can't hold it and will explode at any second. I also line it with a plastic store sack to ease the clean-up. You laugh, but one day you will leave me millions. (Don't forget: Leave me millions. And not millions of potties. Dollars, people.) And know that kids can pee. A lot. Quite frequently. So just know that you will be at one with rest stops and gas stations. For that reason I also recommend having rolls of paper towels, baby wipes and hand sanitizer.

3. If you know you will be traveling through toll country, get a roll of quarters and don't let your kids buy candy with it, because somewhere down the line there may be an instance when you will be 50 cents short and it will be for the grace of all things good that the toll lady lets you hand in your last penny and gum wrapper and kindly tells you to stop soon to get more change because there's another toll gate ahead. I seriously wanted to kiss her forehead and bless her. Or something.

And, equally important, the don'ts:

1. Don't tell your children about the questionable 2-star "nowhere near you need to be" hotel you accidentally bid on using Priceline. Your 10-year-old may be terrified to sleep and cling to you — all night long — because someone at any time could break in and murder us all.

2. Don't attempt a road trip of great length without knowing your kids' limits. If your children get bored after being in the car for 10 minutes without electronics, you might want to stage an intervention. Since we live in Montana and routinely travel for hours, my children are pretty good to stare at trees and such. I usually don't jump to the DVD player or other electronics until the day's midpoint. They have to entertain themselves with things we packed or by listening to stories or music. Check out your local library (or download podcasts) for great kids' stories that are interesting to all ages. Consider "The Magic Tree House," "The Little House" books and, my children's favorite, Bill Harley.

3. Don't always count on your GPS or magic smart phone for directions. There were a few times when I was very grateful to have a paper map. Computers and satellites are smart, but not that smart.

4. Don't kid yourself that it will all be awful, or it will all be side-splitting fun and mirth. Either way, you'll end up miserable. Whatever you do, get enough sleep and eat well enough that you are fun to be around. Don't zone out, but be aware of things you can talk about while stuck in the car together for days on end. Know that your itinerary is merely a suggestion and can be changed. On the way home, the kids wanted to stop at the famous Corn Palace in South Dakota. Was it interesting? Sure. Was it basically a grain-decorated souvenir shop? Uh-huh. But, it surely wasn't a waste of time because the kids got to stretch their legs and see various hues of corn glued to a wall.

And maybe after you return home and are catching up on mounds of laundry, you'll hear the kids laughing about the time Mom drove up the exit ramp or got lost in the middle of Nowhere, Iowa. You'll realize that it's not even about the journey or the destination — it's about the memories. And you were there.

Elizabeth Hill loves spending time with her family and making others laugh.