Spreading the gospel according to Tunnocks of Uddingston,Scotland; creators of the finest confection/biscuit known to mankind.
Currently kebabless, rootless and temporarily boozeless.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Salad Sarnies

I take little delight in the culinary abominations afforded by the vile coterie of perverse vegetablists and lentil torturers, but I am prepared to make an exception for the proper belt and braces British salad sandwich.

The ingredients for the salad sandwich are simple; it is the method (nay, the skill) of assembly that makes the difference between a pale facsimile and the genuine caboodle.

The essential ingredients are: white processed sliced loaf bread, butter, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, and Heinz Salad Cream. Sounds simple enough, and indeed it is, as long as the sandwich is assembled in strict accordance with the method that I describe below:

Each slice of bread, all traces of crust removed, must be copiously spread with butter (margarine or other low fat substitutes are not acceptable).

The lettuce must be English or iceberg (foul tasting leaves like rocket, radicchio, or the truly disgusting lollo rosso, are a strict no no).

The salad mixture must be anointed with a thick smear of Heinz salad cream (use of mayonnaise will result in a swift kick in the balls).

Once assembled, the sandwich must be squashed flat, wrapped tightly in cling film or foil, and stored in the fridge for at least 30 minutes.

The resultant sandwich is a masterpiece. The combination of slightly soggy bread with the crisp tangy crunch of lettuce and Heinz Salad Cream is not to be sniffed at.

If trapped in a hippy commune I could happily subsist on salad sandwiches for a couple of days. Only then would my desire for meat force me to disembowel a crusty long hair or three.

Two slices of pale rye bread ( cut from a fresh loaf - not that brick-like, black, German stuff) A thick spread of mayonaisseSlabs of double gloucester cheeseSlices of pickled beetrootSqueeze gentlyEat