Renee's maternal instincts continue to be utterly ignored. Meanwhile, Juan Pablo acts like Cassandra's just like the self-sacrificing Marmee from Little Women and not, you know, a woman who left her kid at home to compete with 24 strangers for a man's attention. But Renee is optimistic that he'll stop fawning over Cassandra's motherly abilities and notice her. "The second he doesn't feel it or see it [with Cassandra], he's gonna send her home! Immediately!" Renee says hopefully. We're rooting for you, Renee.

4. Most American Idol-esque Tragic Backstory
Shortly before Elise's mom passed away from cancer, she wrote a letter for Elise to be on The Bachelor, which is kind of touching, and kindof a weird thing to waste energy on if you are dying. (When asked how her mom's doing, Elise tosses off, "She's dead, honey." OK, weirrrrd.) Despite this, Elise is a pretty strong candidate for later-episode villainy, judging by the shade she throws at Chelsie.

6. Moment At Which I Would Have Promptly Shit Myself, Threw In The Towel And Returned Home To Marry The Mouth-Breather Who'd Been Hitting On Me At Office Parties For Two Years
Chelsie's challenge. Fuck THAT.

Cassandra gets a low-key ethnic dinner by a roaring fire and kitchen dancing, and Chelsie gets utterly shafted with this Fear Factor bullshit. I'd rather eat a cow eyeball milkshake with Joe Rogen sweating all over me than bungee jump.

Sharleen, who says, flatly, "That's a compliment," every time Juan Pablo gives her a compliment instead of simply saying "Thank you" or "Stop talking and remove your shirt." The best moment is, after she kisses Juan Pablo, she becomes more or less incapable of human speech: "Can we redo a retake?" This is almost enough to forgive later in the episode, when she pretends she doesn't like the cameras. Then you'd be dating not on ABC like the rest of us Muggles, Sharleen. Also: That weird kiss. Perhaps Sharleen is a robot.

24-year-old teacher Chelsie: "I think if we jump off a bridge together, we can pretty much get through anything." You're right, Chelsie. If you can make it in a completely overproduced, over-the-top "romantic" social vacuum where the only hardships you face as a couple are whether you will dance to a private Brad Paisley concert or a private Kenny Chesney concert while nearby swans poop diamonds out of their buttholes, you can definitely make it in Real Life, which is full of babies with croup and dead-end jobs and mortgages and a high divorce rate. Same thing!

Make arepas for breakfast as a cover for seeing all the women without makeup and bras in the morning. Tricky, tricky, Juan Pablo. These bitches never leave the house without shellacking every exposed area of their bodies. Renee is the only one who's chill with being seen au natural. RENEEEEEEEEEE.