Because our hearts pump normal, human blood, we have a little crush on Western New York Flash forward Alex Morgan. Because we follow sports closely (and have Kate Upton Google Alert boobytraps set up on every corner of the Internet) we know that the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue goes on sale tomorrow, and because God is looking out for us, Alex Morgan appears in said issue wearing a painted-on bikini.

Our friends at SI Hot Clicks were kind enough to leak the photo and an interview snippet on Friday. From that interview, a condescending question with an awesome answer:

SI.com: What was more intimidating: posing in bodypaint or taking on Japan in the World Cup finals?

Morgan: I have been playing soccer my entire life. I know how to stay calm and not get too nervous for games. That’s why I would have to say posing in bodypaint was a little more intimidating. It was a completely new experience and definitely took some getting used to before I felt comfortable in bodypaint. I had to look in the mirror every five minutes to make sure I actually had a swimsuit on.

I’m still not entirely sure why the SI swimsuit issue exists. For the longest time I thought maybe female sports fans who subscribed to the magazine used it as a shopping guide of sorts to keep abreast of the latest bikini fashions, but then they started just dumping paint on ladies and glitter-gluing sand to their boobs and it lost me. I mean, it found me on a personal level, but it lost me intellectually.

Not trying to be a prick, Brandon. I’m just not a leg-man or ass-man, I love me some boobs on a girl and there’s a certain expectation for an SI swimsuit model to fill out a swimsuit (ala Kate Upton) even if she’s not technically wearing a swimsuit. Different strokes & all that I guess.

Im happy they picked one of the few girls that doesnt look like a water buffalo or handball player.
But if youre going to do the fake nude thing, you might think about some chick with something mroe than A cups. Bodypaint demands breasts to be just a bit pendulous not someone out of Barely Legal Teens.

And dont give me this shit about bodyfat. There are plenty of real nude calendars with athletes all over the world for hte past decade and even when its tall dorky italian basketball players there are still quite a few nice breasts included.
Pole vaulters, rugby players, tennis, volleyball, track, curling, netball (!) skiers and figure skaters, you name the sport and theyve dropped their drawers for a little cheap publicity.

The only thing that came close to this was the cover of the curling calendar which featured a naked curler holding a broom from behind who looked like a 10yr old with no ass, no hips and no sign that it was indeed female. It was like pedobears dreams picture.

I dont mind small boobs especially as women get older but it makes no sense to do these half assed nudeds where you are trying to tittilate when you have nothing to tittilate with.

Btw, this ISNT going to do shit for women’s soccer.
Take a look at volleyball, both court and beach and ask yourself why the sports gets such good ratings (ok, theyve really cleaned up the game the past 20yrs and its a much more entertaining game with the rule changes) and why even pingpong is getting with the game.
While female indoor volleyball players are top athletes, they also have short shorts, sleeveless and tight shirts and each girl usually adds touches to their hands like tats and nail jobs because the cameras are always doing closeup on hands.
Female soccer players wear knee high baggy shorts that look like it was created by some mullah and loose baggy shirts. Even handball players look more feminine.

The FIFA fart WAS right, you want to get more people to watch women play, look at the amish unis they wear and do something about it. Im not saying to dress up like track and field athletes but its as if they go out of the way to look the dikey part.
And I fail to see the prudes reasoning how sexier unis takes something away from them as athletes when posing nude for magazines doesnt.
Take a look at the woman who is the fastest, at the one who jumps the highest and the one who jumps the farthest, those women have done those feats half nekkid (ok, 75%) and no one considers them less of an athlete.