Thursday, January 19, 2012

Single Syllables Reign in Republican Candidates

Folks, the tally is in. If you want to run for US President on the Republican ticket, you have to have a mono-syllabic name.

Rick, Mitt, Newt, and Ron should prove my case. But let's go a little further. What happened to Michele Bachmann? She had too many syllables in her first name, that's what. And just 50% more than the other candidates. More than enough to turn voters off. Next time, she should run under her high school nickname "Mich."

But it wasn't like people threw her over like bad stew for no good reason, oh no, because Michele was courting disaster from the day she was born. Let's bring in my friend and numerologist, astrologer and plant healer: Julianna De La Fontana.

The other strike against Bachmann was too few letters in that same problematic first name. "The name Michele with just one "L" says De La Fontana, "made voters suspicious. If her name is lopsided, is it possible that her judgment as president might be missing some essential consonants as well?" De La Fontana went on to say that poor Bachmann had another strike against her, this time by too many letters, AND that extra consonant. "The extra "n" in her last name, creates more imbalance than the American public can endure." This of course makes perfect sense as she was the first to leave the race. Such a shame, she had great hair, a winning smile, and ideas we have not seen in politics.

All of the candidates still in the race have one thing in common: monosyllabic first names. Clearly the stars have aligned in some way. Even Rick Perry, now fallen on the wayside, still had some luck with his first name. Ron Paul might be the luckiest with two monosyllabic names, and a folksy manner that harkens back to the earlier time and charm of a man who darn tootin' shoulda run for office: Will Rogers.

But the race will really heat up when one of the four current candidates lands his party's nomination. If Rick Santorum gets the nomination, we'll have a three-syllable last name vs. Barack's two-syllable last name. It just doesn't get more exciting than that.

I'm sure there will be more to come when running mates are chosen. Let the best syllables win!