To the surprise of absolutely nobody - except perhaps those Americans whose paranoia impedes their ability to inhabit the real world - President Obama's Tuesday speech to the nation's schoolchildren, released in advance yesterday, turns out to be nothing more than a nonpartisan paean to hard work and personal responsibility.

But that won't stop our most noisome fellow citizens from mining the Obama text for its dastardly implications. One might argue that the text is blander than vanilla ice cream, and that it couldn't possibly serve as fodder for the irrationally indignant. Oh ye of little faith. I simply assume that all kinds of new talking points will soon provide fresh grist for Fox, the talk shows, the viral emails, the blogosphere, and the cable TV bookers. Consider these italicized possibilities...

Obama text: "Hello, everyone - how's everybody doing today?"

Real Americans should be outraged by those provocative opening words. The presumptuous attempt by Barack Obama to directly address our precious children by saying "hello" is further evidence that he and his socialist bureaucrats seek to build a socialistic personality cult in the tradition of Joseph Stalin, Saddam Hussein, and Kim Jong II. This is why we need to take back our homeland, and defend it from tyrants abroad and here at home.

Obama text: "When I was young, my family lived in Indonesia for a few years, and my mother didn't have the money to send me where all the American kids went to school."

This kind of foreign, exotic talk does not belong in an American classroom, and has no business being forced upon our children against their will. Indonesia is a faraway land where terrorists killed several hundred people in an attack in 2005, yet Obama in his school address flagrantly betrayed his oath of office by failing to admit to our children that he has yet to arrest and execute those who committed those heinous acts. He's probably waiting to read them their constitutional rights and offer them therapy. That kind of liberalism is what happens when you don't even attend the same school as "the American kids," as Obama himself just admitted.

Obama text: "You'll need the insights and critical thinking skills you gain in history and social studies to fight poverty and homelessness, crime and discrimination, and make our nation more fair and more free."

The president's attempt to use insidious negativism to indoctrinate our children is further proof of his ultra leftism. We intend to take back our country from his shameful message that America is crime-ridden, biased, impoverished, not fair, and not free. Bravo to those American parents who insisted on keeping their children home so that the budding minds of our nation would not risk being exposed to a false litany of all that is supposedly wrong with America.

Obama text: "We need every single one of you to develop your talents, skills and intellect so you can help solve our most difficult problems."

What problems? Come on, this is America. We need to take back our country from the crowd that always blames America first.

Obama text: "At the end of the day, the circumstances of your life - what you look like, where you come from, how much money you have, what you've got going on at home - that's no excuse for neglecting your homework or having a bad attitude."

It's a disgrace that a president for the first time is seeking to impose federal behavior requirements on our children. In our shining city on a hill, we have always been free to have bad attitudes - one of our Founding Fathers, as a youth, even chopped down a cherry tree - but that kind of freedom is no longer an option in Barack Obama's America. Instead, he now appears to hate the Founding Fathers. And there was absolutely no evidence in his school address that misbehaving children would not be sent to his death panels.

Obama text: "I hope you'll all wash your hands a lot, and stay home from school when you don't feel well, so we can keep people from getting the flu this fall and winter."

It's an outrageous insult to Americans as parents that Obama would dare to imply that our children are germ-infested robots who will only sanitize themselves if commanded to do it by the personality cultist-in-chief. The washing of hands, as a parental directive, is a sacred family value, and it is a mark of how far we have fallen as a nation that someone raised in Indonesia - as opposed to, say, Indiana - should presume to bring socialism into the family bathroom.

Obama text: "I expect you to get serious this year. I expect you to put your best effort into everything you do. I expect great things from each of you. So don't let us down - don't let your family or your country or yourselves down."

Who is he to "expect" anything from our children? Who is he to usurp our role as parents, and clearly imply that the IRS will raid our personal bank accounts if our children fail to meet his exotic standards? It is the height of foreign ideology and big government for a president to suggest that he is someone that our children should look up to. That is an alien concept that happens only with communism and fascism, or either. Americans need to exercise their Second Amendment gun rights at the town halls and tell their representatives that they're fed up with Obama's incendiary dictator talk.

Obama text: "Thank you. God bless you, and God bless America."

Surely the Founding Fathers did not intend for a president to bless this country without first producing a birth certificate.