[Hermano’s Note: These are actual emails between Kings fans and a Sharks fan, but edited to correct spelling and protect the identities of my compadres.]

On April 6, 2012 at 12:02 a.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: That fucking cunt is such a fucking disgrace to the game. That was disgusting. I have been watching hockey for 20 fucking years now. Fuck that guy. Never seen that.Fucking disgrace.

On April 6, 2012 at 12:51 a.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: It was wrong for two reasons: 1) it was outside elements affecting the game; 2) it was cheating. What a fucking disgrace. The league better suspend his ass for a few games.

On April 6, 2012 at 7:44 a.m., Hermano wrote: If the league is smart, they’ll suspend his ass for 10 games.Otherwise, what will stop anyone from doing the same thing during the playoffs or during a critical part of a game?The league would become a joke.

On April 7, 2012 at 12:30 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: No way...dirty and cheap, yes. But it was a play that impaired the players forward progress. If there were other d back it's 2 for interference. If none, a penalty shot. Refs blew the call. By your logic every too many men or interference should be a suspension. He was stupid and wrong and deserved a minor. Calling for a suspension is a bit of an overreaction.

On April 7, 2012 at 12:44 p.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: You are a "homer" (never used that phrase before). He cheated. That breaks our sweat pants bet [Sidenote: There was a bet that the loser of the first home-and-home series would wear sweat pants to a gentlemen’s club]. Lucky for you I still am pondering wearing sweats to [Olympic Gardens] anyway.

On April 7, 2012 at 12:58 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: He committed a penalty that wasn't called... If Thornton had been tripped on a breakaway with no call would that void the bet? Your pussiness upsets me.

On April 7, 2012 at 1:08 p.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: You ever seen that penalty before? You ever thought of doing that in a game. Didn’t think so.

On April 7, 2012 at 1:40 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: Well... that doesn't really apply. Like I said, dude should've gotten a 2 for either interference or too many men. If it was a breakaway then a penalty shot. The suspension talk is crap. If this was any team against anyone but the Kings you guys wouldn't have said shit.

Backing out of this bet is like someone backing out of a football bet because the receiver didn't catch a winning TD because of Pi....shit happens. Deal with it!!!!!

On April 7, 2012 at 1:52 p.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: [Ghost Joe] fuck you, you fucking homer. I hope Clowe gets the shit kicked out of him tonight. I’d rather have Hitler on my team.

On April 7, 2012 at 2:22 p.m., Kings Fan Marty McSorley wrote: If karma does exist Clowe will go head first into the boards and paralyze himself. Guy is a disgrace to the game.

On April 7, 2012 at 3:17 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: Hmmm... interesting comments. Every fucked up play in the history of the league and close is by far the worst and should die. Your arguments really help your case! I said it should have been a penalty.

On April 7, 2012 at 3:35 p.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: Your email doesn’t make sense. Retype it. Obviously you have an unquenchable hunger for Clowe cock. In any event Clowe is a shit. The fact that he feigned ignorance of the play afterwards makes him more of a SLO douchebag. YOU CAN SEE HIM MOUTH "that was stupid" AFTERWARDS. Fuck that guy. Thornton called it the "play of the game." Fuck Ghost Joe. I hope the Kings play the Sharks in the playoffs. And I can’t wait for Vegas. I will turn you from Clowe cock to [my] cock.

On April 7, 2012 at 4:38 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: Spell check... just think its funny how he is all of a sudden the dirtiest player in the league. And I'm the "homer". He acknowledged it was stupid... If you followed it he admitted yesterday it was stupid and he got caught up in the moment. He said after the game he declined to discuss it since he was tired, emotional and didn't want to dig a deeper hole. Hard for me to see why that makes him so fucked up. If that's the case each of us that has ever taken a stupid penalty should be dragged in the street and shot.

On April 7, 2012 at 4:56 p.m., Kings Fan Marty McSorley wrote: Glad you agree Clowe is a piece of shit and deserves the eventual paralysis that is coming his way. Homer douche.

On April 7, 2012 at 5:40 p.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: After the game he denied it. Said he didn't know what reporters were talking about. Douchebag. I cant believe you are trying to downplay this. Again, have you ever seen this before? Is 2 minutes enough to deter this? If Marleau has a breakaway in game 7 with 50 seconds left and Sharks are down by 1 and nobody is around and Hartnell throws a stick at him from the bench to knock the puck from Marleau? Is that 2 minutes? Are you cool with no suspension? Is that the same as tripping?

On April 7, 2012 at 6:59 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: After the game he said he had to see a replay. The next day he said he was worked up emotionally and exhausted and didn't want to dig a hole by commenting further.

The dude fucked up... but using your analogy if a dude had a breakaway and someone threw their stick worst case is a penalty shot as long as it was a clear path. 2 minute interference if not. No way for a suspension.

I agree it should have been a penalty... so does he. Has there never been a non-call in this league?

The suspension talk is the only homer thing about this. If this was Kopitar doing it to Getzlaf would you be set on a suspension??

On April 7, 2012 at 7:17 p.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: Absolutely. No place for cheating in game. Suspension talk only homer thing about this? People get suspended all the time to deter conduct outside the normal code of the game. Is this outside the normal code of the game? I still am waiting for you to answer my questions: 1) have you seen this before; 2) have you ever thought of doing this in a game before?

On April 7, 2012 at 8:00 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: Just to be clear... If Kopitar did the same thing to Thornton you all would call for a suspension?

To answer your question... I haven't seen it, but I've seen much worse and more dangerous stuff. Would I do it? Why does that matter? Does Shanny consult me on suspensions? To that fact, the first question is irrelevant too. The fact is that it was a minor penalty that was missed. Even he admits it and said it was stupid.

On April 7, 2012 at 8:40 p.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: If Kyle Clifford did it to anyone on the Sharks I would think it despicable. It is despicable. If Kopitar did it, I would think it is despicable. Because it is despicable regardless of who does it. Your homer brain is having a hard time separating infraction from person. I asked if you would do it because the answer is no. You know it is wrong. You never would do it. This email chain is about whether it is wrong and worthy of supplemental discipline. This email chain never has been about whether we actually should penalize Clowe. None of us have the bat phone to Shanahan. If you are to frame the issue to be "whether we should suspend Clowe" then yes, [Ghost Joe], both questions are irrelevant. But that is not the discussion. The issue is whether that conduct should be deterred. Particularly when a penalty is missed, the league will hand out supplemental discipline. You are right, Clowe (eventually) admitted it was stupid. So is his admission of guilt enough to deter such actions in the future? Only a homer would think so.

On April 7, 2012 at 8:45 p.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: Actually I realize that this conversation is irrelevant.[Ghost Joe] is going to defend his little bitch until the end and I will bastardize him.The end.

On April 7, 2012 at 8:57 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: Well, no. I wouldn't do it. But it does not deserve extra discipline. It is insane you guys think this is suspension worthy. Missed call at best.

On April 7, 2012 at 9:51 p.m., Hermano wrote: [Ghost Joe], you're absolutely wrong. It is suspension worthy just like Shanny handing out games for chicken-winging a dude is suspension worthy. Both are designed to (1) prevent future incidents by punishing the individual and (2) protect the integrity of the game. People wouldn't watch hockey if goons were throwing elbows into superstars on the reg and people won't watch hockey if little bitches like Clowe interfere with an odd man rush while standing on the bench. At the very least, the integrity of the game has been compromised and Clowe should be suspended accordingly. I hope your Nor Cal brain can comprehend that principle.

On April 9, 2012 at 6:02 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: So I'm trying to type this with no bias at all..... I agree that it obviously should have been a penalty (either an interference and/or too many men). If they would have found a way to bump this up to a 5 minute major although I would have been upset as a Sharks fan I wouldn't be able to argue at all. A penalty shot I couldn't see because he didn't have a clear path and you see guys interfered with all the time that get just a minor called when they had a breakaway.

As for the suspension, I agree with you on your first point (prevent future incidents). This could have been a situation to set the bar and prevent future occurrences. As far as the integrity of the game, that has been under constant evaluation and scrutiny these past few years. Head shocks, blows to the back, fighting, etc. They are actually changing the game to evolve to the present. Not that Clowe's play falls in to that category, but to say Shanny is only suspending people to protect the integrity is false..... it is for the safety and protection of the players and the league (ie, NFL).

For example, if a player had a breakaway and a D-man threw his stick to try to stop that how would that be called? A Penalty Shot, right? Worst case an interference. That hurts the integrity of the game... throwing your stick to prevent a goal attempt but no one would dare talk suspension. It happens multiple times each season. That is why I think Clowe should have had 2 for interference and 2 for too many men (since he was a 6th man interfering). The suspension talk just baffles me.

Should be some fun playoffs.

On April 9, 2012 at 6:47 p.m., Hermano wrote: Let me answer your question with another question. If a coach threw a stick on to the rink, would you call it a minor penalty? Too many men on the ice? Interference? Unsportsmanlike conduct?

Wikipedia "Tom Webster (ice hockey)" and let me know how many games the league suspended the Kings' former coach.

You may try to distinguish that incident by arguing that he (Webster) did not interfere while the play was in action - but that only supports my point: whether someone interfered with the play or not, a classless act that does not belong in hockey should be punished with a suspension. A suspension should have been doled out to Clowe to prevent future incidents and protect the integrity of the game. The league CANNOT devolve into a game where we simply assess 2 minute (or 4 minute) penalties for completely classless actions, like (1) coaches throwing sticks onto the ice, (2) chicken-winging a dude in the face, (3) intentionally interfering with the play while on the bench, etc.

I know you're realllllllly reaching into your brain for justification why no suspension was issued, but just admit that the league fucked this one up.

Go Kings Go.

On April 9, 2012 at 7:00 p.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: [Ghost Joe] if you mention Clowe in Vegas I will punch you in the vagina.

On April 10, 2012 at 3:06 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: Well, obviously they fucked up in not calling anything and I do agree that it was a dirty play that warranted some sort of penalty.

My only issue with a suspension is that there really is no precedent and you can draw parallels to an interference or too many men penalty and if you go down the path of suspending this how do you draw the line? If a player leaves the box 2 seconds early is that a suspension? If there is a too-many men that interferes with a play is that a suspension?

Regardless, the league did nothing and I'm sure if the Kings and sharks meet in the playoffs Clowe will be targeted, which he deserves. I actually hope that series happens because it means both teams will be in the WC Finals.

Go Sharks!

On April 10, 2012 at 3:39 p.m., Kings Fan Marty McSorley wrote: Guess you never got to that Wikipedia page.

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CONCLUSION:

In the words of Ray Finkle’s mother, I hope the Sharks die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.But honestly I’d love to meet them in the Western Conference Finals and destroy the living shit out of them.A sweep would be just as sweet.

In two days, for the next 4-7 games (and maybe more if I’m/we’re incredibly lucky), I will boycott all things Canadian.I will do nothing but bash Canada and ruthlessly make fun of every single Canuck out there.

In preparation for this incredible hate-bashing, I listened to “Everything I do” by Bryan Adams 5 times on the way to work this morning.And 4 times on the way back home.I air-guitared that killer air guitar riff right after “you can’t tell me, it’s not worth trying for…” all 9 times today.I screamed at 9 different cars: “YEAHHHHH, I’d fight for you…”Basically, I got myself prepared to absolutely loathe that song for the next few weeks. It’s time to seek revenge for the 2010 Kings v. Canucks series.

My analysis of the 2012 Kings v. Canucks series?Four things must happen in order for the Kings to upset the Canucks and move to the next round.But before we get into those four things, let’s get sidetracked.

Generally, I think Canada is pretty all right.I’ve been to Vancouver and Toronto, and have desires of snowboarding in Whistler, gambling at my buddy’s dad’s casino in Edmonton, and attending a bachelor party in Montreal.I have no desire to visit Ottowa for some unexplained reason.I would love to live in Toronto and follow and write about junior hockey for an entire year.I would love to hang out with Kelly Hrudey and have him autograph some memorabilia.

Despite all of this, I will proceed to ruthlessly make fun of Canada for the next 4-7 games, starting on Wednesday.

There is still a bitter taste in my mouth after the Canucks came to Staples Center and dominated the Kings to end their 2010 Cup run.What sticks out most from that series?Two things, actually.The first is Mikael Samuelsson putting on a fucking sniping clinic.The second is how they took one of my favorite bands and played one of their songs after each goal.I wouldn’t really mind if they chose to play Shania Twain’s “You’re still the one” or Bryan Adams “Summer of ’69.” I wouldn’t even mind if they rocked Avril Lavigne’s “Sk8er Boi.”Seriously. But playing “Holiday” by Green Day absolutely infuriated me.

Oh wait, I forgot about the hissy fit Ersberg threw after getting a taste of playoff hockey.

[Don’t let your career hit you on the way out]

Thankfully Samuelsson, Ehrhoff, and Demitra (RIP, brotha) are gone.So is Wayne Simmonds, regrettably.JMFJ, although fun to watch when his shot actually hit the back of the net, can take his -5 for the series and enjoy watching the Red Wings on TV.

I don’t follow the Canucks, so I’m not going to go up and down their roster and pretend to know who is a key addition to their team.

I will say that #26 for the Kings is a dramatic upgrade from #12.What a joke – how could we possibly break out of the first round with Randy Freakin’ Jones on our team?Does it scare anyone that he was one game away from playing in the 2011 Stanley Cup finals?I just hope I don’t find myself saying “Number 27 has no fucking business being on this team” this year.We can go on and on about whether Penner or Richardson deserves the final spot once Carter comes back; but for me, the true question is whether numbers 26 and 27 will elevate their game starting Wednesday.

Oh, and whether number 7 will stop deflecting the puck into his own fucking net.

You know what I’d really like to see?Kyle Clifford becoming a man-beast just like last year’s series against the Sharks.But we can talk about that more if/when it actually happens.

For now, the four things that MUST happen for the Kings to steal this series against the Canucks:

1. Jeff Carter needs to become Jeff Fucking Carter

There are only two people on the current Kings squad that can undress Luongo: Kopitar and Jeff Carter.Kopitar has never been a speed guy, so all the Canucks have to do is play him tight and pray he doesn’t receive any give-and-go’s.Carter, on the other hand, is deceptively fast.We all know his shot is ridiculous – probably the quickest release on the team – and he uses his speed to create space and separation from the defense.This all means nothing if he’s still injured.

2. Quick needs to channel is inner 1994 Mike Richter

Much has been said about this already.Every single Canucks fan knows this is the key to the series.If Quick wants to earn big boy money for the next 7 years, he’s gonna have to prove he can shut down the best team in the league in 7 games or less.

3. Daniel Sedin needs to wake up with a headache for the next two weeks

As a hockey player, I am incredibly superstitious.When I put on my pads, I follow the EXACT same order as always: left skate, right skate, left pad, right pad, etc.I don’t spit in my crease.I don’t shovel ice into my own goal.And I don’t make fun of an opposing player for dealing with a concussion lest someone on my own team gets chicken-winged and is unable to play the rest of the series.But seriously, though, I wouldn’t mind seeing D. Sedin staring into space while sitting on the bench – assuming he gets cleared to play.

4. Luongo needs to get shellacked in either Game 1 or 2

You know what sucks about being a goalie?Knowing that the next goal you let in could be your ticket to the bench.Last year, Luongo was the undisputed starter – but got questioned toward the end, especially during that series with Chicago.This year, Schneider has proven he deserves the starting spot on any other team (except the Kings, because we have already fulfilled the affirmative action ginger quota).If Luongo blows Game 1 or 2, everyone north of the border will call for his head.Best of all, Luongo knows this – which can’t be good for his sanity.All the Kings need to do is rattle his dome a bit and let the insecurity play itself out.

By now, you’ve probably guessed that this is all wishful thinking.Every time I read someone who predicts the Kings to win in 7, I tilt my head and say “Awww, that’s adorable.”But then I realize that I, myself, have predicted the Kings to win in 7.I’m also quite thirsty, so I think I’ll just reach over and grab my cup of Kool Aid.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Did anyone else get caught up in the mega millions lotto frenzy a couple weeks ago. Several coworkers and I usually chip in a few bucks each for lotto tickets once the jackpot reaches $200 million. Once the jackpot reached record numbers we couldn't help but share dreams of what we would do with our winnings.

Is it sad or impressive that the very first thing I would have bought were LA Kings season tickets? Seriously, I would have been on the phone with an LA Kings rep immediately! My husband actually took it a step further and said he would buy a suite at his favorite NFL team's stadium. A suite?!? woah woah woah....let's not get too carried away here. Maybe it's a good thing we didn't win.

Anyway, back to reality.

Do you ever look at the standings and try to figure out which teams you want to face in the playoffs and which teams you do not want to face, especially in the first round? I definitely don't want the Kings to match up against the Canucks, Red Wings, and Coyotes. I don't think it's possible for the Kings and Coyotes to meet in the first round anyway so that shouldn't be a problem, but I feel like a healthy Red Wings squad would demolish the Kings in the first round. I wouldn't mind seeing the Kings face the Blackhawks or Blues and I don't have any opinion about the Predators.

The LA Kings need to clinch a playoff berth so I can figure out which playoff games I can and want to attend. I really, really, REALLY want the Kings to clinch 3rd so that (a) we have home ice advantage, and (b) we don't face the Vancouver Canucks in the first round. I don't know if I can stomach going to another Kings/Canucks playoff game in the first round.

And how sweet would it be if the Kings beat the Sharks twice in these last two games. So sweet...