YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A very kind British bloke we'll call Sweeney Todd recently sent Your Mama a covert communique informing us know that rock and roll heiress turned jewelry designer and property developer Jade Jagger has listed her louche London home with an asking price of £1,500,000, a figure our bejeweled abacus reveals converts to $2,471,970 at today's rates.

It probably goes without saying the Jade Sheena Jezebel Jagger is the party princess progeny of mammoth mouthed Mick Jagger and the wonderfully bizarre Bianca Jagger, who the children will recall was recently booted from her rent controlled apartment on New York's posh Park Avenue.

Thirty something year old Miss Jagger spent much of the last ten or twelve years earning a good living as the creative director of the old-school and very expensive British jewelry company Garrad. Somehow she managed to design gem encrusted jewelry while living the hedonistic life of a well-heeled hippie in a converted barn on the Spanish island of Ibiza. However, a couple of years ago, with her two daughters reaching their terrible teenage years, the single mommy relocated the family back to London where they settled in a modest house on Keslake Road in quirky Queen's Park where some of her neighbors are reported to include 007 hot-bahdee Daniel Craig, naughty and outspoken singer/songwriter Lily Allen, novelist Zadie Smith and super slim actress Thandie Newton.

Listing information indicates Miss Jagger's brick built house measures in at a modest 1,989 square feet and includes just 3 bedrooms and two garishly glitzy bathrooms, including one where in the absence of gravity one could snort cocaine off the mirrored walls and ceiling.

The front of house is surrounded by a garden with high hedges which may (or may not) provide enough privacy and protection for Miss Jagger to sunbathe in the nood. The ground floor consists of just two large rooms divided by a long and narrow entrance and stair hall. At approximately 600 square feet, the reception room–which we call a living room in the good ol' U-nited States of America–is large and high enough for Miss Jagger's glossy black dining room table topped with two insanely terrific gold statuettes. Several sofas and chairs provide plenty of lounging space, but curiously, there is not a coffee table in sight.

The kitchen features a complicated and spectacular tiled floor, a big mama sized Aga range, a few other chintzy looking appliances, a marble topped Saarinen dining room table surrounded by four of those great looking but ridiculously uncomfortable Philippe Starck ghost chairs. Have any of the children ever tried to sit their fat asses down on one of those chairs? We have, and the seat is so narrow that even whisper thin model Kate Moss' teeny tiny toosh would spill over the edge of the damn thing.

Upstairs, Miss Jagger's two gurl children, who have reportedly begun to cut quite a rug on the London party scene even though they've barely received their womanly gifts, each have their own room that shares the above mentioned mirrored bathroom. Now hunnies, pleez, what teenage gurl wants to be showering, shaving, pooping and primping in a bathroom where they can't help but see every unflattering angle of themselves? That's right, no teenage gurls we know.

Miss Jagger has created quite a master suite for herself which includes a colossal king sized bed, walls covered in grass cloth, a naughty black crystal chandelier, a walk in closet and a bathroom that is both larger than either of her children's bedrooms and features a gold plated stripper pole smack in the middle of the room. In. The. Middle. Of. The. Damn. Room. As if that were not tacky enough someone has seen fit to place a pair of white chairs so that Miss Jagger's stripping spectators can sit back and enjoy the show. Klassy.

The entirely uninviting and not particularly private rear garden has a large tiled terrace, a patch of lawn for the pooches and some pretty paltry landscaping around the perimeter.

Now that Miss Jagger has lately become deeply involved in designing and developing slick and sleek apartments buildings in New York City, could it be that she's selling house so that she can uproot her family to live across the pond? Or perhaps she's headed back to her converted barn on Ibiza? Your Mama hasn't a clue, but we do know that wherever the glammy gal lands, she's sure to make a serious splash on the beau monde social circuit and will likely do up her house like a damn night club. But what else should we expect from a boho babe who had Andy Warhol for a baby sitter?

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen children, Your Mama has got to be snappy here because our good friend Fiona Trambeau is winging her way down from San Francisco for a visit and we had best get to the airport to pick her up on time. Lahwd have mercy on our snarky soul if we make Miss Thing wait at the curb for even two minutes clutching her tatty snakeskin handbag, clenching her big teeth and looking like a damn street walker–and you know she will. We'll pay for that perceived indignity all weekend, so it's imperative we show up on time or better yet, early. Plus, poor Fiona is mortally afeared of aero-planes so we are quite sure she's gonna show up acting a halacious hot mess because, you know, a big nerve pill, several vodka gimlets and a ferocious fear of flying do not mix well.

Anyhoo, thanks to a man we'll call Nashville Ned we have learned that unapologetically patriotic and award winning country singing superstar Toby Keith and his wifey Tricia have put their Nashville nest up for sale with an asking price of $1,595,000.

Property records show that the Dixie Chicks detesting cowboy purchased their 3,428 square foot house on bizzy and wide West End Avenue in September of 2006 for $1,350,000. Listing information reveals the three story, tile roofed Tuscan inspired residence includes three bedrooms and 2.5 bathrooms. It appears to Your Mama that the Keith crib is part of a tightly packed three house development of similarly styled houses, although as far as we can tell, the Keith couple own only the one.

Whatever the case, we do not think this is Mister Keith's primary residence. Not only is it hardly large enough to house he, the wifey and their three children, property records reveal the well booted country couple also own an 8,714 square foot house that sits on 160 acres in Norman, Oklahoma where we believe the family bunks down. Therefore, we'd bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly that this modest mini-manse acts as a crash pad for when Mister Keith has bizness in the country music capital of the world.

The floor plan indicates that the residence is entered on the middle level through a shallow barrel vaulted entrance hall that either shoots guests down a wide stone stairway to the lower floor, into a guest room (with private pooper) on the left or to the right and into the master bedroom with its surprisingly beautiful bronzy colored walls and rather unappealing four poster bed. The master bedroom is comprised of a bathroom with separate tub and shower, a walk in closet and, strangely, the stacked washer and dryer. We can understand having a second washer/dryer set in the master bedroom for washing the undergarments, but this appears to be the only washer/dryer in the house which means that Paulette the Laundress will be hanging out up in the master bedroom and watching her stories on the boob toob while folding clothes on the bed. Uhm, no. The master bedroom also has a private stairway to the third floor where the floor plan shows a windowless office, a large walk-in cedar closet for stashing out of season fashions and an exercise/media room. This would also, if so inclined, be an excellent location for the sexually adventurous to build an s/m dungeon or some other fetishistic hideaway.

The wide staircase sweeps guests down from the entrance to the lower floor where the main living and entertaining space is comprised of a 40+ foot long, stone floored and dramatically decorated living/dining room combo which features a soaring wood beamed ceiling, a fireplace, a row of french doors leading to the itty bitty backyard and equally tiny swimming pool and two large and wonderfully simple chandeliers. A powder room for guests has been tucked up into a corner of the dining room, a particularly risky location for all the obvious reasons.

The stone floor in the living room has been continued into the galley style kitchen where cabinets have been fashioned from PeckyCyprus and a giant magazine rack has been affixed to one wall. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter do not choose keep all our printed publications where we make meals, but we can certainly appreciate having a commodious rack like that could be invaluablet for sorting and organizing all the New Yorkers and gossip glossies that arrive in our mail box every week. A large walk in wine room between the kitchen and two car garage will make all the wobbly winos (who claim to tipple and toss back for the flavor) go weak in the knees.

Who knows why Mister and Missus Keith would choose to sell thei Nashville pied a terre just two years after purchasing and at a time when real estate values are sinking like the damn Titanic in most parts of the country. Then again, it's unlikely Mister Keith needs the proceeds from the sale of this property to pay the water and eklecktrick, you know?

Now we gotta run and stash a few vomit bags in the big BMW before popping down to the airport to pickup Fiona Trambeau who will very likely lose her breakfast of nerve pills and booze on the ride home.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Today we're going to spread our celebrity real estate wings a little bit and discuss Bay Area bizness tycoon Tom Perkins, a filthy rich financier who recently put his big house in the super swank San Francisco suburb of Belvedere Island on the market with an asking price of $20,500,000.

For those not familiar with Mister Perkins let Your Mama give you the Reader's Digest version of his rather extensive and impressive rezoomay. After helping to steer Hewlett Packard into the personal computer bizness in the 1960s, Mister Perkins went on to make mountains of money as a Silicon Valley venture capitalist who provided start up cash for companies such as AOL, Amazon.com, Netscape and Google. Some of the more quirky elements of his life story include being convicted of involuntary manslaugher in France due to a death that occurred in a yacht racing accident and his brief marriage to ridiculously prolific romance novelist Danielle Steel who may have inspired him to write his own tawdry novel in 2006 called, not surprisingly, Sex and the Single Zillionaire.

Mister Perkins also spent a rumored and reported $100,000,000+ to build Maltese Falcon, the largest privately owned sailing yacht on the planet that includes a staggering 11,000 square feet of interior space and requires a crew of at least twenty. However, only two short years after dropping the luxe and lavish boat into the water he has put the 289-foot feat of oceanic engineering up for sale at a figure some yacht brokers are whispering is somewhere around $150,000,000€, a grotesquely large number that Your Mama's bejeweled abacus tells us converts to $187,360,500 at today's rates. Nothing like having a little pocket change to indulge one's hobbies.

Anyhoo, we're not here to blather on about a boat but rather to wag our tongue at obscenely expensive real estate. Not only is Mister Perkin divesting himself of his big boat (so that he can get into sports submarines, whatever that is), he is also looking to unload his spectacular mansion on Belvedere Island with it's crazy intricate paneling and enviable views across the San Francisco Bay and towards the gorgeous Golden Gate Bridge.

Located on the choicest section of Belvedere Island's Golden Gate Avenue and just down the block from mining mogul Robert Friedland's$65,000,000 residential extravaganza, property records show Mister Perkins' palatial digs measure in at 7,535 square feet and include 7 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms. A closer look-see at listing information reveals that the bedroom breakdown is more complicated than it sounds. The main floor includes a good sized guest suite and private pooper, the second floor has two wings, one for the master suite with its dual bathrooms and commodious closet space and the other for three family bedrooms, two bathrooms and laundry facilities. The lower floor features the sixth bedroom and attached terlit and has been designated as a "maid's quarters," while a "chef's apartment" rides astride the three car garage.

Although the day-core is not our cup of tea, we find the living and dining rooms to be elegant in the way that only the houses of the very rich can be and we're absolutely breathless over the manly looking library with its hidden wet bar and we're faint with glee over the dee-voonly detailed linenfold paneling and intricately carved mantel in the living room. These rooms reveal the subtle hands of a skilled tradesman and the very expensive vision of a deft decorator, nice, gay or otherwise. However, what in heaven's name happened in the study with its upsetting cacophony of visually vexatious fabrics? And do not even get Your Mama started on that bedroom with its rose colored carpeting and disturbing balloon curtains surrounding the four poster bed. Lawhd have mercy children, that room has us pouring an early morning gin and tonic to get through to the next hour.

Other rooms and amenities on the meticulously renovated and maintained main floor, according to listing information, include a temperature controlled greenhouse (for the orchid lovers, natch), a powder room, and a kitchen with attached butler's pantry and laundry room. The lower floor features a large entertainment room, a second full kitchen, full service wet bar for all the boozy types to sidle up to, a temperature controlled wine cellar (almost all rich people require wine cellars nowadays), and access to the stone terrace which leads down the hillside to the swimming pool and pool house, a real rarity in this neck of the woods due to the damp and chilly climate. The almost one acre grounds include rose gardens, level lawns for drunken games of croquet, stone paths meandering up and down the sloping lot, flowers, vegetable gardens and fruit trees. A damn Garden of Eden, children.

Additional features that will please and impress potential buyers is the alarm system, the fire hoses designated for each of the three floors and the two safes, because let's be honest children, when your pockets are deep enough to fork over twenty million clams for a house, one safe is simply not enough to stash and secure the family jewels. Okaaay?

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Last week we had a discussion about the Park Avenue digs of New York Yankees' soon to be dee-vorced third baseman Alex "A-Rod" Rodriguez recently listed with an asking price of $14,000,000 during which mentioned that the bay front Coral Gables mansion that he once shared with his soon to be ex-wifey Cynthia had also been tossed up on the market with an asking price of $14,876,000.

At the time, we had little information about the E. Sunrise Avenue estate. However, listing information has been beefed up and we now know the "Old World Mediterranean" mansion in suburban Miami was built in 1952, measures in at approximately 8,310 square feet and includes six bedrooms, five full and three half bathrooms.

Property records show the once convivial couple scooped up this property in December of 2004 when they paid an even-steven $12,000,000 for the 1+ acre property which records also show sits just a few short blocks from the much more modest crib of C-Rod's parents

Listing information shows the renovated and rehabbed residence features a stone floored entrance hall leading to a double height living room with a disturbingly modern and entirely unnecessary row of skylights and an area rug so dizzying Your Mama almost tossed up the candy bar we had for breakfast. The dining room has been wallpapered in a very Palm Beach Chinoiserie style wallpaper that has been smartly toned back with a well sized sisal rug under the too-traditional dining room table.

The eat-in kitchen appears to have been outfitted with pickled wood cabinets, marble counter tops and some rather unfortunate bar stools. Other rooms at the manse include an den/library/office and a media room.

The walled, gated and seriously secured property includes a large circular motor court with additional parking on what we think (but do not know for sure) was once a tennis court, all of which is surrounded by towering palm trees and all sorts of tropical foliage that provide the property with the kind of privacy often craved by rich and famous folks. The backyard offers a free form shaped swimming pool overlooking the Biscayne Bay and it appears to Your Mama there are docking facilities for at least four boats. A pool side pavilion provides an excellent place to get out of the scorching southern Florida sunshine and where we imagine might be a lovely spot for Sven the scantily clad massuer to stop by and give Your Mama a full body rub down.

Although the soon to be ex-Missus A-Rod asked for this property in the dee-vorce, it appears that in the end she's not interested in keeping the couple's house of connubial bliss and in fact, it's reported that C-Rod is out shopping for a new home in the Coral Gables and Coconut Grove areas.

As for A-Rod, when not (allegedly) slinking around and getting himself in some sticky and sweet situations in Noo York City with the soon to be single and man-eating Madonna, word on Miami's art deco'ed Ocean Drive is that the third baseman shacks up on swanky Star Island, the guard gated and pill shaped island where all manner of rich and famous folks like Gloria Estafan and Rosie O'Donnell have homes. It's also where, as far as we know, basketball giant ShaquilleO'Neal is still trying to unload the monstrous mansion once rumored the erstwhile Mister and Missus Rodriquez were interested in purchasing.

It was recently reported here, there and everywhere that the peripatetic pair listed the 5 bedroom and 3.5 bathroom house in Los Angeles' Westwood neighborhood that they bought only last year and where they filmed their most recent reality show embarrassment Home Sweet Hollywood. (Sorry Tori hun, although Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter are both unrepentant reality show junkies and we think you are a-may-zing, we just don't care for those stinky reality shows you've been doing with your huzbeau.)

It was only a matter of time before all the whispers and rumors would start circulating about where the couple would be moving next and according to multiple of Your Mama's gorgeous informants Mister and Misses McDermott signed the purchase documents for big house in Encino just last week. Yes, children, Encino.

At this point we are unable to confirm the purchase with property records. However, two of our most reliable sources–the wickedly well informed Lucy Spillerguts and an often in the know gal we call Junebug–swear on their mama's lives that the couple scooped up a walled and gated house on Encino'sEncino Avenue. Information we received from Junebug reveals the property was originally listed at $3,895,000, was later reduced to $2,995,000 and that the McDermott duo paid $2,495,000.

Listing information for the property reveals the so-called "Tuscan Villa" was built in 2001, measures in at a celebrity-sized 6,718 square feet and includes 6 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms (plenty of room for Candy to come visit), 4 fireplaces, and a 3 car front facing garage.

While the house hardly compares in size or day-core to the obscenely over sizedHolmby Hills mansion in which Miss Spelling was reared, it does include a dramatic double height entrance hall with inlaid stone floors, a curving Scarlett O'Hara style staircase and a long, tubular chandelier that, for better or worse, looks like a column of sparkling diamonds.

Most of the downstairs rooms, including the formal living and dining rooms, the library, the eat in kitchen and family room all appear to have a complicated, and in our humble and meaningless opinion, a not very attractive parquet flooring.

While we appreciate that the large eat in kitchen includes all manner of high-grade appliances and has not been completely ruined by a gigantic and potentially lethal pot rack looming over the work island, we don't think this food preparation center is going to win any kitchen design awards. Functional, big and boring is how we would describe this kitchen.

Upstairs, the long master suite includes a sitting area focussed on a fireplace and a flat screen boob-toob that looks like it's mounted off -center of the mantel, a balcony overlooking the ratty back yard, and an unnecessarily glitzy hotel-like master bath that looks like it's straight out of the 1980s and which we seriously hope Mister and Missus McDermott will have done over by a nice gay decorator right away. Much to our own surprise (and chagrin), we do, however, like that wall to wall leopard printed carpet. Grrr.

The private backyard currently includes a large covered terrace where Dean can paint Tori's toenails in the shade while the kiddies frolic on the jungle gym, a built-in barbecue center, a swimming pool and spa with one of those horrid child safety fences (surely there is a more pleasing option than this), a putting green (pleez!) and a large lawn area that looks like it could use a drink of water.

Now that Miss Spelling has left the West Side behind in order to become a Valley Girl, we expect she'll soon be pushing strollers around the Sherman Oaks Galleria and shopping incognito at the Van Nuys Costco where she can get a family sized bag of frozen potstickers for like four bucks.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

It's been a little while since Your Mama has done a little mish mash. So here we go...

1.Thanks to all the many emails, text messages and phone calls we've received in the last 24 hours, we can finally clear up some of the confusion we had regarding the many recent reports of Oscar winning hottieHalle Berry and her Canadian-born baby daddy buying a big spread in St. Hippolyte, a wee country town about one hour north of Montreal that one sassy French Canadian told us is "the middle of nowhere."According to listing information we located online (which was also sent by a number of convivial Canucks) we've learned that the property in question (pictured above) offers "sixty-eight acres of privacy and seclusion" and includes a 2,500 square foot modern architectural hoose with 3 bedrooms and just 1 bathroom. Although the bathroom is dee-voon, we wonder if Miss Berry will have a few Canadian contractors up there tout de suite adding a private pooper to the master bedroom.

Listing information also indicates the gated estate was listed at $1,850,000 (Canadian, we presume), offers deeded access to nearby Lac à L'Achigan and comes with its own "five acre private spring fed lake." At the risk of being completely and utterly incorrect, we're guessing the Lac Molson that was referenced in other reports is this private 5 acre lake.

Thanks to our ever intrepid research superstar B.S. Beaverman who forwarded the snaps. Although we're not into a Canadian winter, we have just three words to describe this property: Gor. Jee. Uhs.

2.Yesterday we received a phone call from our fine friend Fiona Trambeau, a woman of loose morals who swears it is her sworn duty to ferret out and feel up all the heterosexual men in San Francisco, who hooked us over to a juicy article in the NY Post about jet setting human rights advocate Bianca Jagger getting evicted from her rent stabilized apartment in New York City.

The Nicaraguan born British citizen who is known to keep an apartment in London also held a long term and rent stabilized lease on a posh Park Avenue pied a terre for which she paid $4,614 per month.

According to Miz Jagger's landlord, the ex-wife of Mick Jagger stopped paying rent a few years back, a scenario which tends to piss off landlords, particularly the ones who own rent stabilized units. The two parties fussed and fought until 2006 when the dispute wound up in front of a judge who ordered the rich bee-hawtcha to pony up the back rent. The former model and Studio 54 fixture pushed back claiming she was unable to live in the 18th floor apartment because an asbestos and fungus contamination rendered the apartment uninhabitable.

So back to the courthouse they went where Miz Jagger and her high priced attorney appealed the earlier decision that required her to cough up a big wad of cash for unpaid back rent. However, her appeal was shot down because Miz Jagger holds a B2 (tourist) visa which requires her to maintain a "principal, actual dwelling place" outside of the United States and, of course, New York City rent regulation laws require the lease holder maintain the stabilized unit as a "primary residence." And as we all know from filing our taxes, you can't legally have two primary residences.

There is no word on whether Miz Jagger will choose to lease a market rate apartment in New York.

3.Hollywood's most famous Scientologist Tom Cruise seems to have brought some of his real estate crazy to New York City where his much younger wifey Katie Holmes is currently appearing in some Broadway play or other. The couple–who last summer were widely reported to be looking at a number of very high priced rentals including the $200,000 per month penthouse at the Trump Park Avenue–are now reported to be shacking up in one of the better buildings in the East Village where the people at Page Six in the NY Post say Mister Crooz has owned a 10th floor apartment since 1985.

Page Six also reported yesterday that one of Mister and Missus Cruz's chattier neighbors claims, "Tom and Katie now keep five units in the building." The nosy neighbor went on to say that one of the units has been turned into a playroom for Suri, another into a gym and two others are utilized for staff.

Listen children, given that one of the Crooz's mouthpieces denies the couple is snatching up apartments in the 12 story East Village building and given all the real estate rumors that have circulated about Mister Cruise–remember last year when we all thought he wanted to buy a big spread at The Dakota?–who knows what's true and what's not about his downtown living situation. What we really want to know is if they chow down on pierogi at Veselka.

First there was all that freaking out in the quiet Hollywood neighborhood where The Hills' resident "fashion designer" Lauren Conrad purchased a $2,360,000 Spanish style house in early 2008. Some of Miss Conrad's neighbors were all kinds of pissed about the marauding paps busting up their bushes, fervid fans standing around gawking and tour buses trolling up and down the narrow residential street. And who could blame them? The din became so deafening that the usually very upright Los Angeles Times saw fit to write an entire article about the reality television brouhaha.

Now we hear from a gabby gal named Veronica Vociferous that many of her neighbors in L.A.'s Hollwood Dell neighborhood are all upset and atwitter over MTV's plans to film episodes of The Hills at the Bryn Mawr Drive house that The Hills' dark haired drama queen AudrinaPatridge recently scooped up for a $1,290,000.

The Hollywood Dell Civic Association recently sent a letter of protest to neighborhood residents, a copy of which we received from Miz Vociferous. The letter asks residents to contact the Film LA Community Director and some Sargent at the LAPD to register their displeasure, concern and complaint about their fear of film crews clotting up the narrow and twisting roads that wind through the usually very quiet neighborhood, not to mention the ensuing meelee of picture snapping paparazzi and breathless fans who think standing outside a famous person's house is anything but outrageously stoopid.

Could it be that all those whining and bickering gurls on The Hills have finally had their fifteen minutes? Jeezis, Mary and Joseph we sure hope so.

Thanks to Candy Canuck, we were linked over to a recent and brief article in the Montreal Gazette which reports Oscar winning actress Halle Berry and her Canadian-born male model baby daddy Gabriel Aubry have recently purchased property in St. Hippolyte, Quebec. According to the wee article, Miss Berry's French Canadian hideaway home cost a million smackers (Canadian, we presume) and sits on 63 acres overlooking Molson Lake.

Naturally we took to the internets to see if we could sort out some of the details and, curiously, the only Molson Lake we could locate is in the province of Manitoba, which is nowhere near sleepy St. Hippolyte which sits in the northern reaches of the province of Quebec.

Now children, we freely confess to not knowing shit from shinola about rural Canadian geography, but can someone who does please help us out here? Are St. Hippolyte and Molson Lake actually anywhere near each other?

Whatever the Canadian case, as far as we know, when in Tinseltown Miss Berry, her new baby and her good looking baby daddy all bed down in the N. Doheny Drive compound she bought from former child actor turned racecar driver Frankie Muniz in July of 2005.

SELLER: Estate of Ray EvansLOCATION: Angelo Road, Beverly Hills, CAPRICE: $9,995,000SIZE: 4 bedrooms and 5 bathroomsDESCRIPTION:Designed in 1952 by architect William Beckett, the mid century modern house & separate guesthouse w/ pool on almost 4 acres. The main rooms have 12-foot ceilings & the other rooms are all in original condition. The property has panoramic views from downtown LA to the Pacific Ocean & is located less than 5 minutes from Sunset Blvd. Rambling pathways traverse acres of hillside property & lots of mature landscaping. Extremely private.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: It seems too seldom that Your Mama gets to pontificate and blather on about the home of a public figure in which we would actually want to live. Such is the case of the beyond bee-yoo-tee-us Beverly Hills property being sold by the Ray Evans estate with an asking price of $9,995,000.

Had we ten million clams, and we most certainly do not, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would snap this place up faster than a pill popper could crush and snort an 80mg Oxycontin tablet. We know y'all are whining and rollin' yer eyes and acting all superior about how mid century modern is so damn tired that it was tired 5 years ago, but frankly we don't care. We love it anyway. Plus, good design transcends trend.

Anyhoo, the children may not recognize Mister Evans' name, but certainly many of you will recognize some of the Oscar winning musical masterpieces he wrote such as Doris Day's Que SeraSera, Dinah Shore's Buttons and Bows, and Nat King Cole's Mona Lisa. Mister Evans lived to the ripe old age of 92 before he went to meet the great composer in the sky in 2007.

Your Mama was first notified about this property several days ago by someone we'll call Peter Passesalonginformation, and with the help of Our Fairy Godmother in Beverly Hills we were able to locate listing information which reveals that the Angelo Drive compound was designed by little lauded mid-century modern architect William Becket. It appears the house was built in 1952 by and for Mister Evans and his wifey Wyn.

Information Your Mama located on the handy dandy interweb tells us the Evans residence sits on almost four acres of prime property and is comprised of three separate pavilions which meander down sloping landscape. The upper most structure contains the the carport, entrance and living spaces, and the middle structure the sleeping quarters. A glassed in bridge connects the two upper units. The lowest and smallest structure, adjacent to the gorgeously glam oval shaped swimming pool, was intended for guests.

Fortunately for guests, the driveway continues beyond and around the living and sleeping pavilions and curves down the hill to the guest house. While it's wonderful to provide guests a perfectly private space to do the dirty and the nasty, it's not so hospitable to ask them to clamor down a dark hillside after a boozy night of barbecue and backgammon.

Listing information indicates the residence includes 4 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms. To be honest children, we're not sure if all those bedrooms are located in the sleeping pavilion or if those numbers include the bedroom(s) and terlit(s) in the guest quarters.

We're loathe to speak ill of the dead's day-core, so we'll not discuss the bothersome beige carpeting in the living room or the upsetting chandelier situation in the dining room. What we will say is that the Evans residence looks to be the home of a thinking person who cared about and paid attention to art, architecture and design but did not take it all too seriously.

We'd be delighted to see this property after the next owner dumps a good sized wad of cash into updating and upgrading the services and systems and hires a nice gay decorator to do William Beckett (and Ray and Wyn Evans) proud.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Oooo-weee children, hold on to your britches because real estate gossip Max Abelson at the New York Observer is on a roll this week. First was was the much ballyhooed rumor about Aussie actor Hugh Jackman being in contract for a minimalist's wet dream of a triplex in one of the Richard Meier designed green glass towers, then it was news about L.A. based billionaire Eli Broad trying to sell off his pricey pied a terre at the seriously swank and super swish Sherry Netherland and now he's reporting that AOL/Time Warner widow Courtney Sale Ross has "very, very, very quietly" floated her vast doo-plex at 740 Park Avenue onto the market for an undisclosed number believed and reported to be well in excess of $60,000,000.

Back when Time Warner chieftain Steve Ross was still among the living, the couple reportedly combined two already elephantine units–one said to have been 14 rooms and the other 18 rooms–into one titanic two-floor mansion on the 12th and 13th floors at the stodgy, restrictive and obscenely expensive apartment tower. Michael Gross, a man who several years ago chronicled the comings and goings of the residents in a lush and fascinating book, was reportedly told about the Sale Ross residence that one of the dining rooms and a kitchen were combined to create a children's room, one of the living rooms was converted to a screening room and one of the bedrooms was "sueded," whatever that is.

Upon hearing the rumor, Mister Abelson flipped his well worn rolodex and managed to get on the horn with the listing agent, the venerable Edward Lee Cave, who told him, "It's going to be the most expensive apartment ever sold in New York." That means the duplex will need to sell for more than real estate mogul Harry Macklowe's multi-unit purchase at the much maligned (but almost entirely sold out) conversion of the The Plaza Hotel.

The very philanthropic Mrs. Ross, who founded the very expensive Ross School in hoitytoity East Hampton, is perhaps selling because, as Mister Cave told Mister Abelson, "Her offices are downtown; her daughter is downtown." Not sure what that means, but okay.

Whatever the case, Mister Cave claims he's only going to show the gargantuan apartment to "10 people who are appropriate to see it," but conceded to Mister Abelson that, "If somebody very, very, very important calls me, I will run it by her."

With so many thirty and forty million dollar plus apartments on the market in New York City, it remains to be seen whether this one will garner much interest or if it too will linger and languish. However, never underestimate the pull, prestige and mystique 740 Park Avenue offers to all those bizness barons, telecom tycoons and cash rich executives who would give their first born–not to mention more than sixty million clams–to own and occupy a legendary and leviathan doo-plex in a legendary building on legendary Park Avenue.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to a little birdie we'll call Benny the Bluebird we've learned that hair challenged Oscar winning actor Nic Cage is flipping a lavish Middletown, Rhode Island estate he scooped up only last year. A recent report in the Boston Globe and a little look-see at the current listing tells Your Mama that the trophy property mad Mister Cage, a man whose real estate portfolio seems to be in constant flux, has put the 26.77 acre estate on the market with an asking price of $15,900,000, which is just $200,000 more than he paid for the historic Craig Road residence.

Built of stone and textured brink in the late 1920s and called Gray Craig, the monumental house spreads over four floors and measures in at a robber baron pleasing 24,664 square feet.

Because we're crazy that way, we spent an hour or more pouring over the online floor plan provided by the listing agent and we counted 28 rooms, 15 fireplaces, 4 stair halls including a spectacular circular foyer with a sweeping high-drama staircase, at least 27 closets including a cedar one on the third level that is larger than many Manhattan studio apartments, a gymnasium with attached bath and sauna, 2 kitchens, 3 beverage bars/pantries and 2 laundry rooms. Although listing information states there are 12 bedrooms and 10 full and 3 half bathrooms, we counted 10 bedrooms in the main house with another 3 in an attached guest house or staff quarters, and 9 full and 2 half bathrooms in the main house with another 2 full poopers in the guest house/staff quarters. Whatever the case, the tri-winged behemoth is plenty large for Mister Cage can easily house his family and whatever entourage he carts around with him.

The main floor includes a 1,134 square foot, two chandelier living room, a smaller and more intimate reception room off the circular foyer, a 43-foot long barrel vaulted library that is rather sadly furnished with a super shiny and ship sized dining room table and a horrid flat screen boob-toob mounted to the meticulously maintained paneling above the fireplace, a long dining room that appears to have a silver leaf ceiling (although we're not sure of that), a glass conservatory, and a large kitchen and keeping room, all of which are connected by a wood paneled central axis hallway and all of which have wood burning fireplaces. Guests are free to use either of the powder rooms off the main hallway, one of which is done up and did over with pink paneling and gold accents that would surely please Marie Antoinette.

Behind the kitchen is a two story, seven room guest house or staff wing with separate entrance, kitchen, living room, den, three bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. Two wood paneled guest bedrooms complete the main floor and share a huge renovated and mosaic tile wrapped bathroom.

In addition to the home gymnasium with its private bathroom and party sized sauna, the second floor features five gigantic bedrooms each with their own fireplace and private terlit room. The third floor offers two more bedrooms, the above mentioned cedar closet, a large undefined room and a gargantuan 2,100+ square foot "theatre" room with an impressively high and steeply pitched roof line. Curiously and unfortunately, there is no bathroom on the third floors which renders the two bedrooms up there only for guest comfortable peeing in bedpans.

Accessed by a steep and wickedly curving staircase, the lowest level includes a brick floored billiard room, laundry facilities, a vault for the furs, jewels and cash on hand, and two more bedrooms each with their own fireplace and terlit room.

It's unclear to Your Mama if Mister Cage and his much younger wifey Alice Kim purchased the massive mansion fully furnished, partially furnished or unfurnished because some of the photographs used in the current listing appear to be the same as those that appeared in the listing from when Mister and Missus Cage purchased the property. Whatever the case, the current day-core seems inconsequential given that the sure to be filthy stinking rich new owner(s) will likely want to put his or her own decorative stamp on the heavily detailed rooms of the mansion.

Mister Cage has lately been divesting himself of some of his luxury properties having sold off his waterfront mansion in Newport Beach, CA for a reported $35,000,000. More recently he listed a 14,306 square foot house located in a gated community in Las Vegas, NV for $9,500,000 and his legendary Bel Air mansion is currently on the market with an asking price of $29,000,000 (reduced from its earlier asking price of 35 million smackers).

Mister Cage owns many other properties, too many to list here in their entirety. Suffice to say he's got at least one house in San Francisco, at least one in New Orleans where he owns the infamous and creepy LaLaurie House, several in Britain including a townhouse in Bath and a recently purchased Gothic castle outside of Bath and some reports say he also possesses a 40+ acre private island in the Bahamas but we don't have any first hand knowledge or property record proof of that.

SELLER: Eli BroadLOCATION: Fifth Avenue, New York, NYPRICE: $15,000,000 (maint/cc = $17,306 per month)SIZE: 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bathroomsDESCRIPTION: A triple mint full floor tower residence with sweeping 360 degree views of Central Park and the City. The apartment has 2 bedrooms, a dining room, living room and library. Distinguished interior design, high ceilings, beautifully proportioned rooms make this apartment one of the most desirable residences to be offered at The Sherry.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This morning we're going to piggy back on the New York Observer's celebrity real estate gossip wunderkin Max Abelson and discuss septugenarian billionaire Eli Broad's New York City pied a terre which has been quietly on the market since August of 2008 with an asking price of $15,000,000.

Mister Broad–rhymes with road, thank you very much–made his billions as a founding partner of Kaufmann & Broad (now called KB Home), one of the companies responsible for building thousands upon thousands of architecturally uninspired tract houses all across America. He also founded SunAmerica, a financial services giant that was absorbed by the even bigger and now beleaguered insurance juggernaut AIG in the late 1990s. Mister Broad, considered by some to be a civic buttinsky, has a long history of hard core commitment to improving the cultural and architectural face of Los Angeles, and he and his wifeyEdythe are very deep pocketed philanthropists who proudly posses one of the largest, most enviable and most valuable modern and contemporary art collections in the world.

According to Mister Abelson, the Los Angeles based billionaire has been trying to unload his 33rd floor cooperative apartment at New York's super swank Sherry-Netherland Hotel, where industrialists, billionaires, foreign potentates and big name celeb go to marinate in the sort of dignified splendor and white glove service that can only be bought by people with behemoth bank accounts. Case in point is the mammoth maintenance and common charges of Mister Broad's 2 bedroom and 2.5 bathroom tower aerie which listing information indicates is a whopping $17,306. Per month. Of course all that monthly money means Mister Broad gets daily maid service and access to room service by Cipriani, but if anyone were to ask Your Mama, and of course no one did, that's a lot of money for an underpaid maid to run a vacuum and scrub the damn terlit every day.

Anyhoo, listing information for the 33rd floor tower unit reveals that Mister Broad's Big Apple pied a terre includes a private landing leading to a dee-voonly paneled library over looking Central Park, a 28 foot long living room with Central Park views and a fireplace, and a decent sized dining room large enough to host a few friends or family for room service from Cipriani, which is located in the high class hotel. A small kitchen is tucked back behind the dining room with an adjacent laundry room. Each of the two bedrooms has two exposures, glittering views and a private pooper, a set up that all the children know by now floats Your Mama's real estate boat.

We find the monochromatic palette in the living and dining rooms to be soothing but somewhat lackluster and while we're sure each of the artworks cost more than our house, we would have preferred to see more vibrant artwork to act as a counter balance to all that taupe day-core and give the rooms a little pizazz. That one red vase in the living room and a few pieces of perfectly polished silver in the dining room just doesn't do it for us. None the less we appreciate that the dining room table shines a mirror, the meticulously engineered paneling in the library makes us pee a little with envy and we're faint over the mathematically precise hang of the curtains in the living room.

Mister Abelson dove deep into property records where he discovered that Mister Broad has been shacking up at The Sherry since at least 1985 and the unit being offered for sale is not his first or only high-priced hideaway at the hoitytoity hotel and apartment tower. Records do indeed reveal that in April of 2006 Mister Broad forked over $9,450,000 for a 2 bedroom and 3.5 bathroom unit on the 25th floor. Must be nice.

Mister Broad certainly owns more real estate that Your Mama could ever be bothered to catalog. However, in addition to his pricey pied a terre at The Sherry, he also owns a couple of other notable properties in Los Angeles. As far as we know, his primary residence is a 10,090 square foot Frank Gehry designed mansion on Oakmont Drive–arguably Brentwood's most exclusive residential street–where the children may or may not be surprised to know that Mister and Missus Broad have a stunning Richard Serra steel sculpture sitting in their garden. Like many of the L.A. based billionaires, when the Platinum Triangle heats up like a damn oven Mister Broad escapes to more temperate Malee-boo where he owns a Richard Meier designed compound just a few doors down from fellow billionaire art collector David Geffen's colossal compound on hideously expensive Carbon Beach.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

A quick spin through hot bodied Aussie actor Hugh Jackman'slong IMDB resume and we realize that we've never seen a single movie that featured his bulging biceps, thick thighs or acting prowess. In fact, for better or worse, Your Mama has not even heard of most of the films in which he has appeared.

Our admitedly lackluster research indicates that he of the eye popping nipples and six-pack stomach has appeared in a large number of Van Helsing and X-Men movies (not to mention a Broadway play or two), which explains why we've never seen them. Not only do we not care for the action-adventure genre of which he seems to be king of the heap and contrary to popular opinion we're not much of a theater queen either.

Anyhoo, according to the New York Observer's celebrity real estate boy wonder Max Abelson, Mister Jackson and his sexily squinted eyes are in contract to purchase a tremendous triplex in one of Richard Meier's gorgeous (but over rated) green glass buildings that overlooks the Hudson River on New York City's West Side Highway.

Spreading over three full floors, the unusually large unit is owned by Sun Microsystems co-founder Bill Joy who first put the 11,000 square foot unit on the market in November of 2007 with a blistering asking price of $40,000,000. The price was later reduced to a still staggering $33,000,000 and young Mister Abelson reports that his sources tell him the unit is in contract for something over $25,000,000. A lot of moolah to be sure, but nowhere near the forty mil Mister Microsystems originally wanted.

Mister Abelson's sources say the deal is a bit shaky, but if Mister Jackson does indeed consumate he'll be the proud owner of three floors of over-the-top minimalist fabulousness that features five bedrooms–including the full floor 51-foot wide master bedroom with custom fitted closets, exercise room, sauna and a party sized shower, three terraces, 5 full and 2 half bathrooms, a 51-foot long living room, a 54-foot long dining room, a 51-foot long recreation room and more closets than we can be bothered to count, a storage situation we're sure both Mister and Mrs. Jackman will appreciate.

Not that it's any of Your Mama's snarky beez-wax, but who knew Mister Jackman had this much damn money?

...from our wickedly well informed tipster Lucy Spillerguts that the perfectly pure Texas-based tween singing sensations The Jonas Brothers are moving into a new house in the swanky East Gate section of Bel Air. Listing information we dug up on their new Bel Air hideaway shows that the property includes a four bedroom main house, a three bedroom guest house, a large office suite and a swimming pool where the boys can host well chaperoned pool parties.

The compound-like property was previously owned by producer Jordan Kerner (Inspector Gadge 1 and 2, George of the Jungle, Fired Green Tomatoes and many more.), but records indicate the estate was recently sold for $5,950,000 to a business entity that does not appear to be linked to the Jonas Brothers. We think–but can not say for sure–that the Jonas family has leased the house.

Like most of the posh properties in Bel Air, the house is almost totally hidden from the street, which means all you virginal tweens and teens should not bother asking your parents to drive you by since there's nothing to see but a high hedge. Besides, the house also happens to be right next door to the totally secluded and heavily secured Tinseltown estate owned by entrepreneurial pop diva Jennifer Lopez and her skeletal skinny salsa singing huzband Marc Anthony which means that security in the area is always present, probably armed and not the least bit innerested in dealing with a carload of shrieking gurls or gays.

All the tween pop luvvin' children will recall that the Jonas family were recently reported to have purchased a 7,360 square foot mansion with 6 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms at the Vaquero Club, a fancy schmancy guard gated community in Westlake, Texas.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Early this morning, before the sun was even shining, Your Mama received a communique from Henry Helpsalot who linked us over to an article reporting the recent listing of a colossal Colonial Revival style mansion in Potomac, Maryland owned and being sold by Ambassador Robert Sargent Shriver and his wifey of 55 years Eunice Kennedy Shriver. The Shriver's lavish shack is located in the Bradley Farms area of Potomac where big money and political power mix freely. The 10 bedroom and 11.5 bathroom behemoth is listed at $11,800,000.

In addition to being an ambassador to France in the late 1960s, Ambassador Shriver helped found the Peace Corps and was once a time Democratic Vice Presidential candidate. Missus Kennedy Shriver was born into the politically powerful and clannish Kennedy tribe, helped found the Special Olympics and is, as the children surely know, the mother of California's current first lady Maria Shriver Schwarzenegger.

At first glance, the Shriver family seat appears to have a well worn patina of generations of living. However, listing information for the 6.84 acre estate on hoitytoity Harrington Drive reveals that Ambassador and Missus Shriver actually built their dignified digs in 1986. Designed by Smith Blackburn Architects and measuring in at a boo-teek hotel sized 15,500 square feet (approx.), the stately mansion offers plenty of space for hosting charity events, wining and dining powerful politicos and housing heaps and hordes of extended family during the holidays.

A little look-see at the floor plan reveals a bowling alley style entrance hall where with a swooping Scarlett O'Hara worthy circular stair case that serves three of the four floors. Your Mama is please to see that an elevator has also been installed that services the lower level (read basement and the two main living floors. Apparently all the guest staying on the third can suck it when it comes to huffing and puffing up to bed after a long night of cocktails and crudité with the who's who of Washington.

The public rooms, with their gorgeous shiny wood floors, high ceilings and classic details, include a 32-foot long living room with a large fireplace and an adjacent wet bar. A large sitting room beyond the living room provides more entertaining space and a photo strewn grand piano for all those family singalongs that everyone hates but pretends to enjoy. The library has a second fireplace and another, much large wet bar which will certainly delight all the boozier types out there. The banquet hall sized dining room stretches 32 feet, features a third fireplace and each of the four corners of the room have display niches for showing off the family knick-knacks.

The cooking staff will certainly appreciate the nearly 400 square foot kitchen that includes two large walk in pantries, one larger than most bodegas in New York City. The adjacent octagonal breakfast room is sufficiently separate from the kitchen that one need not be bothered by the chef clanking pots and pans or running the dishwasher.

The second floor includes five en-suite bedrooms all of which have access to one of the four balconies. The master bedroom includes a private study, a large dressing room and bathroom. The third level, tucked up into the roof and not accessible by the elevator, has three more bedrooms, each with their own private pooper. Also on this level are two utility areas, a large walk in cedar closet for storing out of season fashions and six other storage rooms for hiding away all the family heirlooms and unwanted gifts. Presumably this is where all the Shriver and Kennedy children were put up when they were visiting.

The lowest level, which is really the basement, includes a 900+ square foot windowless family/recreation room, an exercise room with bathroom and a staff suite that includes two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a sitting room, office, a couple of storage rooms and laundry facilities.

The Shriver day-core is pretty much what one would expect from old people with old (for America) money. Sorta Bunny Williams with a little Mario Buatta mixed in with dignified early American antiques and a truckload of artwork and framed documents thrown up willy-nilly on the mostly white walls. It ain't Your Mama's decorative cup of tea, but for a house this large it does look fairly comfortable and well lived in.

The grounds include a long driveway terminating in a circular driveway large enough to park all the Kennedy cars, a four car detached garage plus additional parking, acres of rolling lawns for tossing the pigskin or potato sack racing, a tree shaded tennis court with lights for late night mixed double tournaments, a large in ground swimming pool with an adjacent pavilion for getting out of the sunshine.

Although it is widely reported that Ambassador Shriver suffers from Alzheimer's and sometimes does not recognize his family and loved ones, the Shriver family has reportedly chosen to sell the family house because the elder Shrivers have been enjoying spending increased time with their family in Hyannis Port, Los Angeles and Miami.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: When married celebrities go splitsville the dee-vorce often results in their high priced homes being sold off so the assets can be divided. The scandalous and public parting of lavishly compensated New York Yankees third baseman Alexander "A-Rod" Rodriquez and his ex-wifey Cynthia is just one example. Amid continuing rumors and reports of A-Rod hooking up with Madonna the Material Mommy, not only have the one time happy couple and parents of three put their Coral Gables waterfront estate on the market with a $14,876,000 asking price, thanks to a very well connected New York tipster we'll call Mister Greenjeans, we've learned that the Park Avenue digs of the recently dee-vorced duo has also popped up on the market with an asking price of $14,000,000.

A-Rod and the ex-Missus scooped up their approximately 4,600 square foot condo at the Trump Park Avenue building in July of 2005 for a reported $7,400,000. The records Your Mama accessed support that purchase price. The Trump Park Avenue is the same utterly banal CostasKondylis designed apartment tower where records show billionaire drug distributorStewart Rahr owns a 30th floor unit, the dee-voonIvanka Trump shacks up in a surprisingly modest apartment on the sixth floor and where Big Daddy Donald Trump has the 4 bedroom and 6.5 bathroom penthouse listed at a silly-stoopid asking price of $51,000,000, up from the forty-five million he was originally asking for the three terrace doo-plex white elephant.

Anyhoo, listing information and a look-see at the Rodriguez floor plan reveals the fourth floor unit includes three principal bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms plus a staff room and bathroom tucked up behind the kitchen and accessed, natch, through the large laundry room.

The long entrance gallery includes a walk in closet and a windowless powder room that looks like a damn murder scene. While the master bedroom has two and the other bedrooms and the library all have their own private poopers, it concerns and worries Your Mama that not a one of them has a window. No. One. Window. Don't tell me that a few matches and one of those fancy fans in the ceiling can take care of last night's take out Chinese, because you all know from experience, they can not.

Listing information also indicates the Rodriguez residence underwent a "triple mint renovation" which has resulted in the formal living room did over and done up as a casual family room with beige sofas, a beige run over the parquet floors, blue curtains and a big boob-toob. The original kitchen and formal dining room spaces have been opened up to each other and now include an all white kitchen with a gorgeous refrigerator (which the children will note does have a window), a giant industrial stove and marble counter tops. Pushed up against the work island is a dining area and beyond that a small sitting area. A large butlers pantry includes ship like wood work and a wine refrigerator that will make and the oenophiles smile and Mister Rodriguez's library has paneled walls and built in shelving for all 12 of his books.

It's been widely rumored and reported that A-Rod leased an apartment at the Time Warner Center several months ago and without his now ex-wife knowing. Your Mama does not have any idea if there's a shred of truth to that, but rarely wrong celebrity real estate gossip Braden Keil recently reported that the filthy rich ball player has his eye on a 4 bedroom spread at the much ballyhooed 15 Central Park West building. Although both A-Rod and Madonna's people deny the rampant rumors of a steamy romance between the two cultural pop icons, 15 CPW happens to be just a few short blocks from the KabbalahKween'sNew York City crib. Make of that what you will children.Now that Madge and Mister Guy Ritchie have finally copped to their long whispered about dee-vorce plans, one has to wonder now what they'll do with their two-townhouse compound (see above) in the swanky Marylebone district of London where Madge famously installed a very expensive gym where fellow ex-pat gal pal Gwyneth Paltrow is often spotted arriving or departing from what we imagine to be a death defying workout with the freakishly fit 50 year old super star. A local London source we'll call Great Cumberland Kate informs Your Mama that both of Madonna's townhouses appear to be undergoing significant renovations...and interesting, expensive and unusual undertaking in the days and months immediately before the couple announced their impending dee-vorce.