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Wednesday, 15 August 2012

The Moonstone, Part 2: Satan among the Sofa Cushions

Oh, Miss Clack. What a gem (and by gem, I obviously mean twat). I found her so ridiculously hilarious that I laughed so much I gave myself a coughing fit- and a really odd and random coughing fit because I don't even have a cold or anything. By jove, Wilkie, I can't believe you've written a character maybe even funnier than Mr Fairlie (maybe. He was pretty hilarious.) But oh, miss Clack and her tracts... I'm fairly convinced they're what did Lady V in (LADY V! Betteredge must be so so sad...) but I wouldn't have been without them- Satan among the Sofa cushions is my personal favourite, but of course we shouldn't forget about Satan under the Tea Table, or Satan behind the Looking Glass...

ANYWAY, going backwards slightly, can we please talk about the fact that I'm not entirely sure that Rosanna is dead? I mean, she might be, but also there's absolutely no evidence that she actually is, so I'm very very suspicious about that whole thing. Also I'm now suspicious of Ezra Jennings, Dr Candy's assistant:

"His assistant- a certain Mr Ezra Jennings- was at our disposal, to be sure. But nobody knew much about him in our parts. He had been engaged by Mr Candy under rather peculiar circumstances; and, right or wrong, we none of us liked him or trusted him."

You see?! I'm sure he'll never be mentioned again, now, but still, I remain suspicious of him. AND EVERYONE.

And then also still in Betteredge's section, I felt totally vindicated cause in the comments of my post last week we were all having a discussion that Rachel had sold the moonstone so she could fund an abortion of... I'm gonna say Franklin's baby, and while that was not exactly proven to be the case (although it wasn't UNproven, so let's keep that in mind) Cuff did say this:

"Sometimes the money is wanted for purposes which I don't suspect in this case, and which I would shock you by mentioning."

Which I totally read as funding really really illegal abortions, but which now that I think of it could basically be anything scandalous, like hiring a hitman or something. OMG did Rachel hire a hitman to take out her mum?! (No. In fact, I don't even believe that Rachel has it. No matter what Clack thinks.)

So, Betteredge's section was all fine and good, and ended with a fun little like 'I might not be a reliable narrator, so watch out!' thing, and since the next part was narrated by a woman, I was like 'ooh, maybe she's our Marian!' She is so not our Marian. Not in the slightest, but fortunately she is a lot more hilarious than her, only, you know, unintentionally. Also, she has a total ladyboner for Godfrey:
"It is in the completeness of his daily life that the true Christian appears. This dear man was very complete." Or:

Only, of course, shiiiit, Rachel and Godfrey just GOT ENGAGED FOR NO REASON, and I feel like there could be some bitter, very non-Christian jealousy emanating from Clack for the rest of the time she's with us. Or at least that she'll get even more hilarious, which I can deal with.

Speaking of Rachel, WHAT IS UP WITH HER?! She seems to basically have manic depression, and she was all like 'ooh, Godfrey got tied up, how exciting!' and then when she found out that it was over the moonstone, she was like 'oh the humanity, I must stop all this before anyone else gets hurt!' and I'm just like DUDE, what did you think it was going to be about? The trousers at that weird group Clack and Godfrey both belong to?! OBVIOUSLY HE WAS ALL BLINDFOLDED OVER THAT EXTREMELY PRECIOUS STONE THAT YOU FUCKING LOST! (Too many capitals? Maybe.) I sense her acceptance of his engagement is all about residual guilt over his ordeal. Just saying. NOT that I think she's got the moonstone, and in fact this is about as far as I've gotten trying to figure out what's actually going on:
Cuff thinks Rachel has sold the stone
Clack thinks Rachel has it cause she hates her
Rachel thinks Franklin has it for some reason
and the lawyer (who I think gets his own narrative later which is good cause he seems fun) thinks that Godfrey is most likely to have it.

So basically I have no idea what's going on, but does it really matter when there's CLACK?! I don't even care about the mystery anymore, I just want Clack to keep saying things and being a terrible person, and Christian ('I realised that she hadn't even given me my inheritance', 'I'm only doing this because Franklin Blake is paying me'- naughty materialistic lady!) And also I like not knowing things, because at the end of it all, I want to be like this:

I'm totally using this again. Just to warn you.

Addition: Did anyone else think that the girl who lived in the cottage by the sea was totally in love with Rosanna? Like, she was all 'we were going to go away together and live as sisters' but when they got there they would clearly be doing the lady love? Because... I totally thought that.

50 comments:

THERE'S NO WAY ROSANNA IS DEAD. Thank you for addressing this. Because no. She escaped somehow. SOMEHOW. Oh, and dude, you held on to the Mr Jennings thing! I forgot about him! I was suspicious for like two seconds and then it went out of my mind.

Excellent use of Bridesmaid gif-age.

Remember when she kissed Mr. Godfrey's hand and it was like Victorian porn?

"I put his hand, in a kind of spiritual self-forgetfulness, to my lips. He murmured a soft remonstrance. Oh the ecstasy, the pure, unearthly ecstasy of that moment!"

Also -- NEVER TOO MANY CAPITALS.

(and Megs and I were totally texting about the undying love Lucy has for Rosanna)

Rosanna can't be dead cause it's too obvious! Unless she is. And then that kind of sucks.

I DO NOT REMEMBER THE SEXY HAND KISSING! So I'm glad I now have that quote. Cause I need it!

Also, WAH I WANT TO TEXT YOU AND MEGS!!! I mean, I don't because I think that shit costs like a bazillion pounds per text, but I want to be in a position to text you guys for no monies! WAH FAR APARTNESS!

I love that Miss Clack calls Godfrey her "Christian Hero". Like the dude leaps tall buildings in a single bound throwing handfuls of Christianity over people.

My personal favorite little title was "Satan in the Handbrush". WHAT WOULD SATAN CARE ABOUT A HANDBRUSH. I actually wanted to read that chapter of that book so I could see what the argument against handbrushes was.

and now I'm picturing the Christian Hero. Or at least I'm picturing Superman but instead of destroying bad guys with laser vision and super strength, he's throwing handfuls of glitter at people (glitter = handfuls of Christianity).

Handfuls of glitter OR crucifixes and tracts? I think we all know the answer to that. But I reckon Godfrey can totally leap tall buildings in a single bound, at least in Clack's imagination. The hussy.

YES you also see Clack's total ladyboner for Godfrey (also thank you for calling it that). It's all that trouser talk. Also her tracts are amazing and pretty much I forgot all about the whole mystery and moonstone and whatnot while Clack was narrating.

What is going on with Rachel and Godfrey getting married? I am all in for Franklin and Rachel being an thing and then her buying an illegal abortion and that's where the Moonstone has gone. Obviously all that door decorating got hot and steamy.

Confession: kind of stole the ladyboner thing from someone I don't even know, BUT it's totally something I was say so I've appropriated it for my own use. YOU CAN'T OWN WORDS!

RACHEL DOESN'T LOVE GODFREY! I don't approve of this at all. Actually I want Franklin and Rachel to be married at the end, but ARGH what if one of them took the moonstone? WHAT THEN?! So much unanswered, I can't take the tension!!

Oh, Cry Baby. I may need to watch that again - I had SUCH A CRUSH on Johnny Depp when I was 13. Much like today, really...

The Victorian heroine's ability to stick her fingers in her ears and lalala is unparalleled in my literary experience. Rachel needs a good shaking. I wasn't on board with Franklin until he was all, "I love her sooooooer much!" and someone else [Lady V? (RIP)] was like, "just give her time." Anyone wanna take bets that Franklin uses that as Lady V's blessing later?

As soon as Limping Lucy starting talking about how she wanted to take Rosanna away to London to do needlework together, I was all WOOT LESBIAN SUBTEXT!!! But I figured that was just me, inserting the lesbians where they don't belong. Again.

I love how quickly Clack goes from fawning over her Christian Hero to thinking he's a lost cause. All because he got theater tickets one night. You can't sew trousers into smaller trousers 365 days a year.

I really really really hope that Rosanna isn't actually dead, so that her and Lucy can have a happy ever after!