Dear Abby: Bride resists mom's attempt to keep stepmom in shadows

Dear Abby: “Disappearing Stepmother’s” June 9 letter brought back memories of my stepdaughter “Amy’s” wedding. Her mother also tried her best to prevent us from being involved. However, Amy included all four of her parents in the wedding. Dad and Stepdad walked her down the aisle together, and her mom and I lit the bride’s candle together (though I’m sure she gritted her teeth when she did it).

The bride needs to develop a backbone and stand up to her mother. The dad (who’s paying for half the wedding) should at least put his foot down about the guest list, and invite whomever he and his wife would like to be there. Wedding photos can be of the two families separately, including the stepmom. Otherwise, resentment will linger and poison the relationship between stepmom and stepdaughter. — Another Stepmom

I encouraged “Disappearing” to attend the wedding to support her stepdaughter and inject a dose of reality into the “fantasy,” and readers were quick to share their views:

Dear Abby: I work in the wedding industry, and all too frequently I see the engaged couple manipulated by a parent in order to hurt the former spouse and alienate the stepparent. It is the bane of my professional existence. They cause so much stress for the couple that I’ve had brides break down and cry in my office and choose to elope rather than deal with the drama.

Parents must realize that their children are loved by many people, and the best gift they can give them on their wedding day is to set aside differences and old grudges in order to support the couple as they begin their marriage. — Frustrated Wedding Planner

Dear Abby: First wives hold the upper hand in many instances. It’s something you never really get used to — you just live with it.

When your husband’s daughter matures and is a mom herself, things may change. They did for me. — Survivor in Alabama

DEAR ABBY is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.