FreeMarketDuck.com

Idaho's Weekly Journal of Local & National Commentary Week
2815

U.S.
Constitution declared unconstitutional...
not signed by its authors, or anyone else(April 26, 2006)

"The
appearance of prints of the Constitution in modern times which bear
signatures of the drafters of the document does not affect Spooner's point
(i.e., the legitimacy of an unsigned contract)...the intent of this latter
day device can be interpreted to be little more than an annotation and not
an attempt to assert that there is a contractual connotation, as in the
signatures gracing the Declaration of Independence."
-- James Martin, Lysander Spooner - No Treason

"The
Constitution was not only never signed by anybody, but it was never
delivered by anybody, or to anybody's agent or attorney."
-- Lysander Spooner, Attorney (1808-1887)

Since 1677, there has been on the statute
book of England, and most states in the U.S., in substance if not literally,
a statute that declares no action shall be brought to enforce contracts,
especially the more important contracts, unless they are put in writing, and
signed by the partites to be held chargeable upon them...

...And yet we have what purports, or
professes, or is claimed, to be a contract -- the U.S. Constitution -- made
219 years ago, by men who are now all dead, and who never had any power to
bind us, but which (it is claimed) has nevertheless bound many generations,
consisting of many millions, and which (it is claimed) will be binding on
the many millions that are to come; but which nobody ever signed, sealed,
delivered, witnessed, or acknowledged; and which few persons, compared with
the whole number that are claimed to be bound by it, have ever read, or ever
will read, or see...

...And of those who ever have read it, or
ever will read it, scarcely any two, perhaps no two, have ever agreed, or
ever will agree, as to what it says. -- Lysander Spooner,
Attorney (1808-1887)

So your point is?
The point is: by what authority is the U.S. dancing around in Iraq,
professing to introduce a Democracy -- Alexis de Toqueville's "tyranny of
the majority" -- and by what authority does the private Federal Reserve
continually counterfeit The People's paper money (a supposed mercantile
receipt not backed by any collateral except hot air) to finance this global
excursion and 15,000 other "earmarked" deficits to the tune of $9 trillion?
-- FM Duck

Washington,
DC. -- “Who signed the U.S. Constitution? Not me. Did you? Did
anybody?” asked former U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr.

Cars, buses, taxis,
and the entire U.S. government slammed on their brakes early this morning as
everybody in the nation pointed to everybody else and asked, “Hey, did you
sign the U.S. Constitution?”

So far, the
collective answer has been a resounding, “No, not me.”

The FBI, now
working illegally with Detective Harmon Tardio of the recently-declared
illicit Washington DC Police Department, searched for fingerprints on the
219-year-old piece of parchment.

“My Crime Scene
Investigators,” stated Detective Tardio, “have roped off the Constitution
and are utilizing the latest forensic techniques in an effort to match
possible traces of DNA with the DNA of any of the American Founding Fathers
who authored the U. S. Constitution. At this point,” continued Detective
Tardio, “the only fingerprints on the U.S. Constitution belong to one Jose
Carmen San Diego, janitor at the National Archives Building in which this
sacred American document has been locked up since 1952 like a pheasant under
air-tight glass. The titanium case is filled with inert Argon gas so the
paper doesn’t rapidly deteriorate and the words lose their true meaning.”

Ex-Chief Justice of
the now defunct U.S. Supreme Court, John G. Roberts Jr., declared the U.S.
Constitution null and void late last night. “The Constitution was allegedly
adopted by who knows whom on September 17, 1787, as the foundation for the
establishment of the United States of America. However, there is no valid
contract between the so-called citizens of the United States and whoever
claims to be their government,” declared Chief Justice Roberts. “In
general, written contracts – especially of this magnitude – are only binding
on those parties who signed it, whether directly or through power of
attorney. Since nobody signed the U.S. Constitution – not even its authors
– this contract is not binding on anybody.”

“Oh no,” cried
newly appointed U.S. Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito. “Does that mean
I’m out of a job?”

“Yes,” replied
former Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. “However, I think I’ve found a legal
loophole in the Magna Carta that allows us to appeal through the official
Traffic Court System in Boise, Idaho.”

Early this morning,
U.S. President George W. Bush, U.S. Vice President Richard Chainlink Jr.,
and all 535 members of Congress were laid off. Each ex-official received a
pink slip and a purple plastic watch for his or her years of meritorious
illegal service.

In an unexpected
twist, a British subpoena issued by Parliament required every ex-U.S.
official in the American colonies to show up to London, England, to explain
to Her Majesty’s government why American rebels have been fraudulently
impersonating Her Majesty’s officers in the Colonies over the last 250
years. The British Writs were issued under the Magna Carta, a 790-year-old
contract that was signed by King John at Runnymede on June 15, 1215 AD and
by every upstanding citizen in the British Empire. “The Magna Carta is
still binding on all the signatories’ progeny, friends, and ye olde American
drinking buddies,” proclaimed English Prime Minister Sir Walter Raleigh
Budweiser the III, lifting a pint in the doorway at Number 10 Downing
Street.

“Yeah,” added
Detective Tardio. “With no American law, we have to fall back on European
law, which, for one thing, means everybody’s guilty until proven innocent.
Lock ‘em up and book ‘em, Sherlock Holmes.”

Many Congressperps
illegally continued to filibuster against their early morning surprise
disenfranchisements. “What about implied oral contracts?” asked Vermont
Senator Sammy Shockbuster, one hand behind his back and the other pointed
toward the ceiling. “Since we’ve been screwing U.S. citizens with big taxes
for over 219 years, aren’t they legally our common law spouses or
something? We don’t need no written contract, right?”

“Yes, indeed,”
added Rep. Philmore Bureaus from Los Angeles, California. “Since all
Americans voluntarily cough-cough pay their taxes, their signatures on IRS
Form 1040 -- or any of the other 200 million different tax forms -- qualify
as ratification of the U.S. Constitution, right?”

“Yeah,” added
Representative Sparky Sodbuster from Montana. “That gives us power of
attorney to confiscate the rest of their sheep and cattle, too.”

“Well, not if said
sheep exercise ye olde First Amendment rights of free speech and decide to
beep against us,” replied Senator Little Bo Peep from South Dakota.

As the debate raged
on on Capitol Hill, citizens across America didn’t know whether to run red
traffic lights or light up a cigarette in the No Smoking section of
government buildings.

“If there’s no U.S.
contract, no valid U.S. Constitution, no Bill of Rights, then I guess I
don’t have to put a nickel in this parking meter, do I?” asked Molly
Metercheater of San Francisco, California.

As the citizens of
what was once thought to be the freest nation on Earth try to figure out the
legal ramifications involved in this morning’s shocking announcement, legal
scholars from every American university met on the soccer field at Harvard
University to devise the quickest method by which every American could sign
the U.S. Constitution and thus make it a legal contract.

Dean Harvey
Hardknocker of the Harvard Law School proclaimed, “I got it. We simply FAX
a copy of the original U.S. Constitution to everybody in America, they sign
it, and FAX it back to my secretary.”

“Yes, great idea,”
added Professor Plum from Federal Grant U. “And next we FAX every good
citizen the Declaration of Independence, the Federalist Papers, the Bill of
Rights, they initial each Amendment, the real estate broker signs on page
five, the building inspector looks for termites, and then everybody Faxes
their copy of the deal back over to www.ye_old_congress.com.”

“Maybe that will
work,” interjected Detective Harmon Tardio. “But until then, we have to ask
permission from Senor Jose Carmen San Diego, the only person whose
fingerprints are on the original U.S. Constitution, and thus the only person
who can claim -- through DNA signature -- a legitimate social contract
with the three branches of American government.”

“But he’s an
illegal immigrant from Mexico,” said Senator Slim Pickens from El Paso,
Texas. “I’ll bet you two hundred dollars he don’t even got no Green Card.”