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Know When to Walk Away

Growing up, few of us learn when to keep going toward a long-range goal and when to consider stopping. Knowing how and when to quit involves initiating a set of steps, a process known as goal disengagement.

One of Streep and Bernstein’s more helpful suggestions is to understand and recognize intermittent reinforcement. This anti-quitting motivator arises when your efforts toward some distant goal pay off once in a while. You’re likely to continue to pursue a goal when you occasionally get some positive feedback, even if the overall trend of your progress is clearly negative. Take the time to step back and see this pattern so you aren’t misled by an occasional positive reinforcer.

You may also be familiar with the psychological phenomenon called the sunk cost fallacy. It’s when you continue behaviors aimed at certain goals for the illogical reason that you’ve already put so much time and energy into them. Examples might be staying in a terrible relationship because you’ve already devoted so much time to it, or spending yet more money on repairing a lemon of a car.

According to Streep and Bernstein:

Quitting sometimes requires a huge leap of faith—imagining an as-yet unrealized future—and a willingness to take on the possibility of failure, along with the emotional fallout that accompanies it. Since persistence and staying put are the default settings for human behavior, successful goal disengagement can stall on the affective, cognitive, motivational, and behavioral fronts. . . . Keep in mind that both letting go of a goal and setting a new one are essentially creative activities that demand that you be flexible in your approach.

One of the most important ideas in Mastering the Art of Quitting—which may seem obvious yet is often overlooked—is that by quitting something, especially if you’ve long been unhappy, you open up your life to fresh, positive possibilities.

With the tools and thought processes clearly laid out in this book, you may find yourself better equipped to know when to hold and when (and how) to fold, and deal yourself a new hand.

As for me, new beginning always takes place after I clear up the old items:) and phenomenon of asking myself "is this really what I wanted so much?" after finally reaching the goal surely rises up if I don't pay attention to the process of life itself and stay only goal obsessed

That's a good question to ask, and then try to remember your answer the next time something like that happens. What I mean is that surely we've all gotten something we really really thought we had to have (whether a "thing" or an experience), and then realized our expectations had been overblown for how happy it would make us. I try to keep such possibilities in mind when I find myself wanting something very badly.

Finishing a book about not finishing what you start certainly doesn't negate the solid advice within the book. They're not saying to quit everything! But to behave mindfully about what you start, how long you stick to something, and knowing when it's time to let go of a particular goal.

Unfortunately, most psychologists are making psychology a pseudoscience by writing and authoring piles of self-help books.

People should learn to be more responsible and fight more often for the things they want. There's nothing wrong with "The Sunk Cost Fallacy" as long as we are aware of what we want and where we want to be.

There's no point in being happy, positive and successful when everyday someone in another part of the world is dying of hunger, terrorism, war and is suffering in misery.

The first thing the average psychologist with a PhD should realize is that himself/herself is as much prone to many biases and fallacies as other people are.

Instead of writing books, they'd better help make a better world by taking serious actions and helping other people.

Everybody can write a self-help book. Everybody can quit a relationship through drinking, drug abuse, fornication and etc.

Of COURSE the world is filled with extreme poverty, disease, hunger, and war. And we ought all to do what we can to help, though there isn't often a huge amount that can be done on an individual level for these very complex international problems.

My ex-husband, when I'd ask him why he was always so glum, told me the same thing you wrote here, that there was no way to be happy with the world in such a mess. I have to disagree. Unless one is actively working on major world issues, then your own unhappiness adds nothing to the happiness of others.

I don't think good psychologists deny their biases. We all have them to a greater or lesser degree, with greater or lesser awareness.

The author of this book never said quit anytime the urge strikes. Committment to a worthy goal or a person is a good thing. But sometimes (if you read the book, you'd understand), it's time to stop.

This was, after all, just a blog post to alert readers to a new book and possibly a different way of thinking. If self-help books aren't always enough to help us change, then surely you can't expect too much of a book review/blog post.

I think not. When I finished reading it, I thought, so when is it wrong to walk away? I studied psychology and this article was just plain embarrassing as it didn't stimulate your mind enough and it didn't answer the question it proposed.

Never quit. And never tell your kids 'It's ok to quit'. Of course one may have a goal very far out of reach, all of us have at least one. However, putting it aside for a time is much better than saying I quit. If a goal is too difficult for whatever reason, one simply can tell that child, It's ok to wait a little for this one. We may need to finish these other smaller things first. And, then we can look at this one again once we have more (time, money, age, materials, education... So on.). But telling them it's ok to quit on a dream, a goal, a want... Nay, always provide positive reinforcement to their wishes and dreams. Unless it's like illegal or something, then, well.. you know, do the right thing.

It's like beating a dead horse in the ground. If they have tried unsucessfully to do something , common sense tells you you have to tell them to focus on something else or quit. Constant engouragement is just as bad as no positive criticism. All these kids today are overfed awards they didn't deserve just to feed thier self esteem. If one gets an award tey all do.? B/S .They must lern to feel good without the wards all the time. Real life is not that way. There are a lot of successful folks out there who cn feel good that they accomplished things in life on hteir own merit and without all the accolades.

I am somewhat mystified by the comments. I have not read the book, but did look it up on Amazon. It seems obvious that every situation will be different. Why should I set a goal (conscious or not) at say age 18, then doggedly pursue it until I'm 80? If nothing else, life can certainly intervene to detour or change a goal. Hopefully we will also gain some maturity.

Maya Angelou said, "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better." I think that can include modifying goals and directions. If our goals are positive and valid, they are likely to remain in some form (in my opinion).

Many years ago I made a list of goals for myself, and I kept the list. I achieved some, but not all of the goals on it. When I come across that old list now, I wouldn't want to do or achieve those things any longer. My goals have changed. To be stuck aiming for them would be hellish for me.

Sometimes we outgrow jobs or relationships. Usually when people hang on too long, it's because they allow themselves to be manipulated by others who keep the situation parasitic. The truth is, we all have a right to move forward, provided the "exit strategy" has enough integrity to justify the move.

Maybe, but jobs are very different than relationships, so one person's "move forward" might be another person's disaster. I had a friend whose wife left him after 20 years. He wasn't abusive or the type of guy to yell. He didn't drink or do drugs and was fully faithful and generous towards her. She was bored, and though she planned her "exit strategy" connivingly well, it was incredibly painful and disastrous for him. Sometimes quitting is simply selfish.

I have spent a good 35 years being understanding of my son and helping him when I could. I have been cursed at, called vile nsmes a son should never call any female much less his mother, He hss been thrown out of the house , been forgiven and then back and now for the fourth and final time he is ot allowed back in my home. There's such a thing as being a doormat and I refuse to lay down and alow this cycle to continue. I quit. HE's a grown man and must get help . I love him yes. But I will not be abused ever again.

Quitting an unhealthy, negative or dangerous situation is important. However, in the realm of relationships, quitting a person for reasons other than infidelity, abuse or dangerous addiction can lead to a habit of quitting for imagined greener grass elsewhere. Yes, a person can quit and open up their life to fresh, positive possibilities, but since "persistence and staying put are the default settings for human behavior," a pattern of quitting, or chronic discontent, isn't admired or condoned by the majority who value persistence and staying put.

It's not easy to quit your alchoholic grown child. But it has to happen for growth. It's unhealthy to keep someone around who verbally abuses you and emotionally drains you. And since the majority doesn't pay my bills and love me and keep me happy, I could give a flying F--K what they think. There is nothing wrong with admitting defeat and I would think that would be admired and condoned when someone is getting beat to a pulp emotionally.

Susan, your article about this book helps prepare workers for an economy in which experts predict that we will change jobs even more often. A creative approach to career planning will be vital for balancing financial and personal needs for achievement and satisfaction.
In recent years, I've read that the average person currently changes jobs an average of seven times. In the future, that's supposed to increase to an unbelievable twenty or so job changes, across the career span. The knowledge economy, globalization and technology are driving these shifts. This is according to Aaron Hurst's new book: http://purposeeconomy.com/

After 9 years, I quit what was supposed to be a "good" job and after 16 years, I quit what was supposed to be my "dream" marriage and family life. My job was making me sick and my ex-husband's infidelity was threatening to make me even sicker. I don't regret either. I am thankful for all that I learnt and gained from both experiences and for the opportunity for better days. I'm glad I had the chance to quit and move on. There is a time and place for everything and that includes quitting.

I left a good job for me, to live closer to aging parents. I found part-time work yet my goal was to be with Mom and Dad.There was no quitting the goal or reshuffling when family was concerned.
The part time jobs did not make a dent in my expenses so living with my Mom came about and it was my privilege. I loved living alone and having done it for a long time, there was a strain and adjustment in this living arrangement.
Dad was gone when all this happened, and his death left Mom stunned, so since I could jump in I did, feet first. I put this out here because in making the changes I did it more because moving on for all was a necessity rather then quitting.