Think before you speak

Published 4:00 am, Tuesday, January 23, 1996

THROUGHOUT THE course of a day, I kept my ears open. And I heard it, over and over. Sometimes I heard it from my friends at school, gossiping in the hall. I heard it in the classroom, on the street, and at my job. I even heard it out of my own mouth:

"She took my man . . . You should have seen her - she was all over everyone . . . She thinks she's all that - and she's nothing but a snob . . ."

Everywhere I went I heard women trashing other women. Though many relationships between women are loving and friendly, when one woman dislikes another, sometimes one or both resorts to vicious gossip.

Kim Kardashian Opened Up About Losing An Embryo And Choosing Surrogacy And More NewsMarieClaire

You Need To See The Romantic Place Where Prince Harry And Meghan Markle Fell In LoveCosmopolitan

8 Things You Didn't Know About Marrying a British RoyalELLE

Meghan Markle’s Life Is About To Dramatically ChangeCountryLiving

A lot of it comes from how girls are brought up. If a boy has a problem with another boy, he learns early on to tell him to his face, or explain with his fists. This is commonly accepted as a "manly" way to solve problems. Girls, on the other hand, are taught to keep their true feelings inside and their hands to themselves, so they gain power over each other in a different way - by attacking each other covertly with words.

The gossiper, however, rarely gains from her actions, despite what she may think. Take the scapegoat strategy of gossip ( "If I talk about so-and-so, who everyone thinks is a jerk anyway, then maybe no one will hear about what I did with Tom on Friday night . . ." ). Not only does this practice serve to grind someone else's self-esteem into the earth, it often backfires. People will talk about what you did with Tom on Friday night, as soon as your best friend, trying to deflect attention from herself, tells them about it.

Alicia, 17, has been a "scapegoat" for years. When asked what people have said about her, she matter-of-factly rattles off a long list of lies, with the weariness of a soldier too battered to be hurt anymore. "People have said I'm bestial, a drug addict, a vampire, a lesbian, a bisexual, a raging whore, that I spend my life at raves . . ." Alicia does not proclaim a sexual orientation but has many gay friends, and she says the rumors that she's a lesbian don't offend her, but the more virulent gossip - like the "bestiality" charge - leaves her angry and confused.

In order to reassure themselves of their status and desirability, gossipers target girls who stand out: girls with unusual lifestyles or thoughts, girls who dress in an unconventional fashion, girls who express themselves in their own way, girls who are confident with who they are.

Rachel, 16, was a target of this kind of gossip. With shorn, obviously dyed hair; a unique, colorful wardrobe; and the depth and intelligence of a philosopher, Rachel is a walking representation of the phrase "Free your mind." She suffered a lot of rejection for it.

"Oh, I've been called everything from heroin addict to slut," she explains nonchalantly. "Another rumor just started since I cut my hair that I'm a full-blown butch." Rachel thinks she knows why she inspires the wrath of her peers: "I don't wear what the magazines say you should, and I have a life outside of school. I'm quiet. I'm different. Since I'm not a part of these girls' little world, they make up their own reality for me."

Being the victim of malicious gossip is a horrible experience. As her reputation is trashed, the target of gossip may begin to believe that she really is as bad as everyone claims. "It made me feel like I wasn't worthy of respect," says Lori, 16, who was mocked behind her back for her scholarly demeanor. "I was hurt and embarrassed. You can lose a lot from people gossiping about you."

Since venomous talk undermines confidence, girls who are talked about often try to change themselves to fit the status quo. Lori, for example, says she tried everything she could think of to fit in with the girls who talked about her, but it never worked.

That's because the problem wasn't with her - it was with the gossipers. Young women who "talk smack" are often the ones with the lowest self-esteem, and talking trash can provide an immense ego boost. The power in vicious words is great, and little is more thrilling than the knowledge that you are holding someone's reputation in your hand. In a society where females often feel they have little control, the power to ruin someone can be tantalizing.

Now Playing:

Gossip is so pervasive that many females engage in it without really thinking about what they say, or the harm it does. But the more some women cut each other down and insult each other, the worse off all women will be. Females who gossip instead of talking face-to-face violate others and cheat themselves. True sisterhood cannot be reached until women learn to communicate with each other up-front and in person, instead of talking trash behind each others' backs.

Latest from the SFGATE homepage:

Click below for the top news from around the Bay Area and beyond. Sign up for our newsletters to be the first to learn about breaking news and more. Go to 'Sign In' and 'Manage Profile' at the top of the page.