6/19/09

You've got a friend in me....

My very best friend in elementary school was a girl named Beth Fearnow.She lived two doors down from us on Lemon Road in McLean, Virginia. Her father and mine were in JAG together at the Pentagon, and our mothers used to love to host outrageous cocktail parties every Friday night.(Yep, we were Navy brats.)Beth and I were one year apart, and we were the best of friends – for many good reasons. She had tons of great Barbie clothes, loved to play in the creek in the back yard and didn’t mind getting filthy dirty, was not afraid of bugs, would participate in the torturing of my little brother and his friends, and most importantly, had two older, GORGEOUS brothers whom the neighborhood girls adored.

In kindergarten your best friend looks a little different than it does now.In kindergarten your best friend will tattle on you if you steal the lego-man, if you cut in line, if you take an extra handful of cheese-doodles, and if you color in your neighbor’s journal.Your best friend will wrestle you to the carpet even though he knows you’ll get in trouble.They will race you down the hall, walk you to the nurse or help you give birth to your baby doll in the kitchen free-play area.(Breathe, Janie, breathe! Now, push!)They love your red sparkly Dorothy slippers that you wear every day, and don’t care if the variety of skirts, dresses, leggings or tights doesn’t match the shoes.

We try so very hard in kindergarten to teach the children about being a good friend.We role play what being a good friend looks like; we read stories like Chester’sWay or Chrysanthemum that describe what friendship is all about; we practice every day words that you can use to show people you are a good friend.We decided to take a different approach last week, and asked them what they WOULDN’T do to their best friend.Here’s their list of things you would never, ever do to your best friend.

You never blame things on them if you really did it.

When you are having a sleepover, you never have a pillow fight with them.

You never kick them in their privates.

You never tell them to “look at that” and then punch them in the face.

You don’t take toys out of their hands.

When they are crying you don’t call them crybaby.

You never have a backpack fight with them.

You never pick up a rock and throw it in your best friend’s face.

You never break your friend’s heart.

So, in the beginning, we all know what not to do with our friends.Those things are glaringly obvious, even to a five year old. As we get older our friends become even more important to us.In the teen years, they become the center of our universe - they help us choose what to wear, where to eat, who to date, what club to join and what parties to attend.Unfortunately, the harder a parent tries to steer their children to who they think are the proper friends, it’s really the luck of the draw.We just pray that our children will use their hearts to determine whom they will trust with their friendship.(A lot of praying is involved, I’ll tell you that. )

As an adult, our best friend is someone you call when you have a free moment, someone you share a silly laugh with, someone you cry with, someone you drag to garage sales, or the Goodwill, and someone you vent with.The older I get, the more I value these friends who are so very, very important for my sanity.Your friend listens without judging you, gives you valuable advice without making you feel that what you have been doing all along is just plain stupid, and is there with a comforting cup of coffee and a shoulder to cry on when the bad stuff happens.(And unfortunately, it does happen.)

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand.The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” Henri Nouwen.

87 comments:

My best friend is my husband. I couldn't imagine a better best friend! And we both love "Chrysanthemum"! I reread it just a few weeks ago because I love the Papa Mouse's face as he considers his daughter's challenges while at school. It is beautifully illustrated and delightful for both adults and children.

That quote is dead-on. Wonderful. Since I've moved to KS, my hubby is my best friend. That is, until I get a job and meet more people, then I'm sure some new GF will usurp his position as BFF. :-)

I'm glad the kiddies said they wouldn't throw a rock in their friend's face. However, that doesn't preclude throwing a rock at the BACK of their head. Yeah, we did that to my lil sister, long, long time ago. We got in big trouble. Hey, we were playing a GAME --- your turn to go to the bottom of the hill and we'll throw rocks and try to hit you. Um. Yeah.

I don't have a sister, so friends were always VERY important to me growing up. As a result, I've been conditioned to value them and prioritize them regardless of convenience (or even my husband's aversion to some - guys just don't "get" some of my old friends...).

I love the one about not throwing a rock in your friend's face. That is kind of a nonstarter when it comes to healthy relationships...

Dang it. This is the third post today that has made me cry. This was beautiful. And yes, I truly believe one of the first rules in friendship is not kicking each other in the privates. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Pat yourself on the back and take a bow!! Beautifully written! You know, I just did a post last week about my high school graduation. It was a picture of me and my bestfriend since kindergarden, Donna Nagel. We had a standing date all through elementary school to sit next to each other everyday at lunch, unless my mom made me an egg salad sandwich, it made Donna gag. Life seemed so simple back then. Again, I loved your post today.

Friendship is such an amazing topic; I am inspired by you to write a post on its different aspects and depths... and like I told you, I love it when you pour your heart out... do it more, V...do it more....xx

My first time here. What an incredibly well written and touching post. I've been banging my head against the wall trying to write a post on lost childhood friendships. Very informative and insightful, thank you.

I grew up on Air Force bases. One thing I've learned from reconnecting with my old childhood friends is that I'd pick them again. Kids just know, I guess. The friends my sons have made when they were three are still their very best friends.

I have NEVER had a best friend for all sorts of reasons, too many moves and schools as a kid, a certain shyness who knows the true reason. Friends I have had in buckets full, at work and play, holiday friends, but then I married and had children and now they and JP are my best friends.

Amen to that... sometimes you can't appreciate the real value of a best friend until you're going through those tough times. I think that's one reason we're supposed to experience rough patches in our lives.

A lady at Borders recommended "The Girls from Ames" the other day and I snapped it up. Haven't read it yet, but per the NYT review, it's about the psychological benefits of friends and the girls from Ames, of course.

Don't forget to tip the waitress. I really DO live on tips....

Cause I know you want to buy stuff...

About Me

I am a teacher, a writer, and the mother of three children. I've decided I'll never give up. No matter how many battles I lose; no matter how many tears I shed; no matter how many martinis I have to drink, I will continue to fight the good fight! I love to laugh, believe that every day is a new day, and thank God each morning that I am still here.