Tales Of A Lesbian's Journey Through Life

Category Archives: Lezzie Central

Recap of last lesson: Coming to terms with your sexuality (whatever it might be), is going to be one of the best things you can do for yourself. Knowing exactly where you stand will help you overcome future obstacles.

Onto Lesson Three: Coming Out

WARNING: this will be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. And results aren’t guaranteed.

You now know, for a fact, that you are gay. There is no denying it. And you’ve accepted yourself for who you are. That’s great, really, but that alone won’t give you a happy life. It’s not enough to be knowledgeable of your sexuality – you have to be able to live freely.

And living freely means telling the people closest to you that you’re gay.

This isn’t going to be easy. There is no way to sugar coat the potential disastrous outcomes that can result from coming out, especially if the people you are coming out to are narrow-minded.

Then why come out at all?

Who wants to live in a closest their whole like?! Honestly, no one. No one likes hiding their true self from people, especially family and friends. It involves constant lying and paranoia, and that kind of stress can ruin your life. You may lose friends or family members when you come out to them, but wouldn’t you rather be out and be proud then hiding away like a coward?

Clarification: not all people who are still in the closet are cowards. Everyone has to come out at their own time, when they are ready to do so.

But if it is your time, and you are ready to come out, I hope this blog post will help.

Many people might try to come out to their parents first. I actually do not agree with this. Parents can be some of the most difficult people to come out to, and you have to really be mentally prepared to deal with the outcome. I suggest coming out to a really close friend first, especially if you are in your teens/early twenties. Usually, for adults who haven’t come out yet to their family, they live on their own. So their friends are more likely to be knowledgeable of their sexuality because they are living a life separate from their parents. But many younger individuals, especially if they are underage, live under the thumb of their families.

If you are young, or still live with your parents, tell your closest friend first. This friend should be someone you trust, who is your friend because they like the real you. But, how exactly do you come out to them?

You should go out to lunch or coffee with your friend. This puts you in a public setting where most people tend to feel calmer. Do not, and I repeat, do NOT come out to someone over text message or email. I have personal experience with something similar, and I can tell you that only bad things will come of it. This needs to be face-to-face. You may not want to do it at your house, or theirs, because you do not want families’ opinions to get in the way, or accidentally come out to someone you weren’t ready to come out to. Unless you live on your own, that is.

Tell your friend that you have something important to confess to them, and that it is difficult for you to tell them. Because, trust me, it will be hard to come out to someone for the first time. You might choke, or chicken out, or open your mouth and no words come out. If the friend you pick is really your closest friend then, guess what? They probably already know you’re gay, or they may have figured it out by how nervous you are. They may interrupt you at this point, and point out that they have known or that they have just guessed.

If they don’t interrupt, then you cannot escape saying the words “I’m gay” – and I can tell you not to just blurt it out, but at this point your nervousness is so intense you probably will blurt it out. And all you have to say to your friend is: “I’m gay, and it’s who I am. I value our friendship, and I hope this doesn’t change our relationship.”

Now, if they are really truly your friend, they won’t care. They shouldn’t care. Being gay doesn’t change who you are – it doesn’t change your personality or make you become someone you’re not. If they’re your friend, they will understand that this is a turbulent time in your life. They will accept you for who you are and embrace your sexuality as a point of worth in your friendship.

If they do not do any of the above, they I hate to tell you this…they aren’t you friend. You should drop them, immediately.

Friends are the easiest to come out to, though. Usually you pick your friend’s in accordance to your likes, dislikes, and personalities. So your friends are more likely to take news as good news.

It’s your family that will be the hardest. But here’s a little insider tip: your family members may not take it well at first (mine didn’t), but eventually they will. They will have their “aha” moment. One day, maybe without warning, they will turn around and start accepting you, without any explanation. Mine did. This means that, internally, they have accepted that which they cannot change, and have decided that it isn’t really such a big deal.

To come out to your family members, you’re going to want to do almost the same thing as above. Bring your closest family members into the main room in your house, and tell them you have something to tell them. Explain to them that this is very hard for you, that you do not want to hurt anyone, but you have been hiding something for years and you just have to tell them. You can’t keep it in any longer. It’ll be one of the most nerve-wrecking things you may ever have to do, but just take a deep breath and say “I’m gay, but that doesn’t change who I am. I am still the same person I was five minutes ago. I still love all of you.”

If your family is awesome, or if they have already figured it out, they won’t take this news badly. They will be able to accept your sexual orientation instantaneously. If your family is shocked by this news, or maybe is more of a traditional family, you will have some speed bumps. They may have a mild reaction, where they will only take a few days to accept this fact. Or they may have a very severe reaction. You have to hope for the best, but expect the worst. My parents’ reactions weren’t exactly the greatest – there was a lot of crying and a lot of yelling. But almost three years have passed and they have come to accept me, and my partner, fully. Time isn’t your enemy, but your friend. Some family members are not ready to hear that their child is gay, and react badly. They may need some time and space before realizing that they cannot change it, so they might as well accept their child for who they are, and not try to change them.

A good idea is to do some research. There are some books that have a collection of coming out stories. Look online at blogs and videos about people’s coming out stories. Get advice from friends who have gone through similar situations. Go to a LGBTQ group in your school or community and speak with the people involved in it. Knowledge and preparedness are your best weapons. Know how to answer the tough questions family members will throw at you. Know where to go if things don’t go the way you planned it.

We are all hoping for easy and happily received outing. But it doesn’t always happen. Not everyone is going to come out in the same way, and not everyone is going to react in the same way. They may yell at you, they may say hurtful things, they may cry, they may hug you and tell you it’ll be alright. That’s why it’s good to be prepared. Know who to go to, and who to talk to, when things get hairy.

After the hurdle of friends and family, who you come out to next is up to you. It could be your co-worker, your boss, your neighbor…but it’ll be easy. You’ll have this weight lifted off your shoulders from coming out to your family that it’ll be no big deal. All of a sudden you’ll be like “Yeah, I’m gay. So what?” Trust me, family is tough. After you get that behind you, everything becomes easier.

Because it really isn’t a big deal, right? Who cares what anyone thinks? You’re gay, you can’t change it, so might as well smile wide and be proud.

So you can do it. You can come out to the people who you love. And remember, they love you too. They might act shocked, hurt, and defensive, but they love you, no matter what they say in the heat of the moment. Some people just need more time than others. But you can do it – I have faith in you. I believe in you.

And after you come out to the people who matter, and you can breathe again and smile again, you’re on to the next step: knowing your community.

Geez, look at the gaps between my posts! I haven’t been very consistent with my blogging, but I have an annoying friend that keeps me away from my computer – it’s called life. And sometimes, it sucks all my free time up. But I decided to take a break from school this semester, and I do not start until January. I am hoping this will help me increase my posts to maybe a weekly installment? (Hopefully)

Anyway, this summer has been very eventful. Though my new, full-time, doctor’s office job kept me from going on vacation this year, I almost didn’t need to get away this summer. A weight has been lifted off my shoulder.

My mother outed me.

At a funeral, no less!

I was visiting my childhood friend with Em, my fiancée, close by to where my parents live when I was informed my godfather had passed away. Which put me in a little bit of a predicament. I was supposed to be heading home. I had Em with me. My mother told me I could bring Em, which I found a little odd. Even though I have rectified my relationship with my parents (they even helped finance a car for me since mine died), I was bringing her into a situation where none of my other family members had any idea I was gay.

Well, my mother fixed that by outing me to the entire funeral parlor before I arrived. My brother, my uncles, my godmother, family friends…she told everyone! And then my father threatened anyone who had a problem with it.

At a damn funeral!

I have to say that I am very proud of my parents. They went from being very hesitant and kind of harsh to loving Em and supporting and protecting me. They almost brag about it sometimes to their friends. They have done a complete 180 and I don’t know what sparked it, but I am happy we have all settled on the same page.

Honestly, it feels much better this way. I feel like I can breathe again. They are actually excited when Em and I comes and visit. Soon, they will be moving closer to where we live, and they have already stated that they expect us to visit at least every other weekend for dinner. I mean, a complete change since when I started this blog. It was hell for a few years. And we all felt hurt by each other. But they have finally accepted me for who I am, and I am so happy they have!

So, if anyone else out there is struggling with someone who isn’t supportive of your orientation (like parents or friends), know that maybe all they need is time. Time to absorb things, process, and time to see that you aren’t a different person than what they’ve come to know, only that who you love might be viewed as unconventional.

But maybe they shouldn’t come to this realization while attending a funeral….

Seriously. Why couldn’t it have been at a BBQ or something more informal?!

I want everyone who is out of the proverbial closet to be proud of who they are!

And to all those still in there, being gay isn’t a shameful thing. You, too, should be proud of your sexuality.

Remember those who marched at the Second National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights in Washington, D.C., 25 years ago today, for their movement for equal rights still lives on today. This is why we have National Coming Out Day: to commemorate our past generations for providing us with the stepping stones to continue to fight for our rights!

NCOD challenge: Come out to one person today (granted that it is safe to do so within the situation/environment/community!) that doesn’t know your gay. This could be a coworker, a peer, a neighbor. Fly your rainbow flags and smile when someone asks you about it. Love yourself for who you are! ❤

She is a beautiful actress, singer, producer and director. Her works include The Flying Nun, Steel Magnolias, Forest Gump, and the tv show Brother’s and Sisters. She is recognizable not only as a talented woman, but a gay icon. But I don’t think anyone knew how important equal rights were to Sally Field until she announced that her youngest son, Sam, was gay.

If every parent was like Sally Field, this world would be a more accepting place. Here’s why:

Sally Field was the recent recipient of the Human Rights Campaign’s Ally for Equality Award. During her acceptance speech, she spoke in eloquence about how proud and how accepting she was of her son. She admonished parents of gay children that do not accept them, and hoped for a better future for LGBTQ rights.

Her words literally moved me to tears. How desperately I wished my own parents accepted me like she accepts her son. How I wished my coming out was a cause for celebration within my family, and not an event filled with tears and anger. How I wished, like Ms. Field, my parents understood my sexuality wasn’t a choice, just a happening of nature. According to Ms. Field, being a parent to a gay child is a blessing.

How I wish all parents could be like Sally Field. And I know I’m not the only one. But now we, the gay community, have another celebrity to look up to. And hopefully her words, and her actions, and the acceptance of her son will help other parents struggling to accept their own children for who they are.

Lone Star Lesbian

noun

1. A lesbian who has only slept (or been with) one woman their whole life.

Ah, the lone star lesbian. A woman who has only been with one other woman…ever!

This concept isn’t a rarity, however. It happens within heterosexual relationships too. High school sweethearts, your first relationship has been your only relationship…there is a lone star within every orientation!

White table clothes, tiny glasses of pink champagne, mason jars of baby’s breath, and a table full of lesbian couples. All these things that surround me as I sit here, sipping blush wine and experiencing my first lesbian wedding.

Emily’s co-workers, two beautiful and wonderful women, took their first steps as wife and wife today. I felt blessed to be able to witness something I myself will be going through from the perspective as a bystander. It was absolutely amazing to watch their faces as they exchanged vows – how only a few of us can only be so lucky to have experienced a love like theirs.

Kat stood in all of her butch glory, in a black tux with a red bow tie, but I saw the softness in her eyes when her bride, Chrissy, descended the aisle in heavenly white.

To love a woman is a transcendent, spiritual experience. It is something that is hard to describe, but there is absolutely nothing better than waking up holding the soft body of a women. To see her face every day, the smile, the twinkle in her eyes, her laugh, the curves of her body, that nurturing yet fiery personality.

People wonder how a woman could love another woman, but women were meant to love, and how could you not love and admire your own gender the most?

Their wedding was a mixture of elegance, DIY beauty, and simple good hearted (somewhat drunken) fun. Their cake was beautiful…

…and when you signed the guest book, you could dip your thumb in stamp ink and put your fingerprints onto a tree (representing a leaf) that Chrissy painted.

Everyone was so beautiful, and not an ounce of prejudice could be found. It really was great, and I felt so lucky to have gotten to experience it.

I love Kat and Chrissy, and I only hope them love and happiness in their years to come as a married couple.

Recap of last lesson: Questioning your sexuality is a natural part of maturing as an individual. So, if you are thinking that you might be gay, it is absolutely nothing to panic over.

Onto Lesson Two: Coming To Terms With Your Sexuality.

There are a lot of opinions out there. Some will tell you what you are feeling is just a phase. Some will tell you that you are just second guessing yourself, and to let that idea go. Others will try to get you to believe that what they are saying is the truth.

Ignore them. Ignore them all. No one can tell you how to feel, who to love. The only person who can uncover the truth is yourself.

If you are struggling to come to terms with the fact that you might be gay, know that you are not alone. Many struggle with these exact issues. And there is a way to deal with it.

You need to spend some time to reevaluate yourself. Go somewhere quiet where you can be alone, and think. This is key! You need to think. Think about who you are, what makes you you. Remember all of the positive things about you, and know that no matter what your sexuality is, it does not determine your self-worth.

Having said that, you will need to do some intense thinking. Imagining yourself as both heterosexual and homosexual – ignore social norms and figure out which one feels more natural to you. When you imagine yourself kissing someone, is it always a girl? Do you find women attractive, and in more than just a physical way? Which gender makes your heart race and palms sweat more?

Homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, asexual, pansexual – they are all just labels used to describe types of love. Focus less on the labels and more on your feelings. How you feel is more important than how other people might label you.

Coming to terms with your sexuality takes time. It won’t happen over night. You’ll go through some emotions, very similar to the Five Stages of Grief. You’ll begin in denial (“No, I’m not gay. I can’t be.”), move through anger (“Why is this happening to me?”), bargaining (“Maybe if I experiment a little I’ll find out I’m not actually gay…”), depression (“I can’t believe I might be gay. My life is ruined.”), until finally you come to the most important stage: acceptance.

Accepting your sexuality (no matter what it is) is a profound experience. It’s this moment where your mind suddenly become crisp and clear. You stop, and realize that, yes, this is your sexuality and that it isn’t that bad. When you accept your sexuality, you will feel this huge weight lifted off of your shoulders. Suddenly, everything falls into place. All your problems have a source and all your feelings have a reason. Suddenly, you can’t stop smiling.

Acceptance of yourself is such a great feeling, it’s almost indescribable. Some people have always known that they were gay. It takes others a long time to come to terms with their own sexuality. No pace is wrong, or too slow. You have to take your time and really feel confident in yourself.

No one can tell you what to be. If you’re gay, you’re gay! You cannot decide to be gay or straight, you can only decide how and when you will accept your sexuality.

And when, and if, you accept your sexuality, it will feel amazing. Your confidence level will raise, and suddenly it will feel like you could conquer the world. You need to realize that you are never alone. Reaching out to others who have gone through this exact process can bring new light to your situation. Finding support forums on the internet or talking with someone you personally know and trust can help you muddle through all the useless stuff and help you find that acceptance.

Like everything in life, there are things you cannot change. You cannot change your sexuality, you can only change your reaction to it. If you choose to accept that you are gay (or straight, or bi, or whatever), it is a huge step in your growth as a person that needs to be celebrated.

Once you have accepted your sexuality, you need to congratulate yourself. Because you are one step closer to your next step: coming out.

I am a total dork, and I am on a local bowling league. The ironic part of this: I don’t even bowl well.

Yup, I suck.

My girlfriend, Emily, asked me to join the league a year and a half ago. I am forever baffled as to why I agreed!

Her average is like 170, she bowls over a 150 each game, and she has bowled perfect games (300) in the past! She used to actually have a higher average (closer to 200) and could easily bowl 190 each game. After she got gastric bypass surgery and lost like 80lbs, she lost the strength she used to have. She had to get a lighter ball and change everything about her technique. But she’s getting back into her swing.

Any-who, I’m literally in the last spot on the league. I am a straight bowler (meaning my bowling ball has no hook, or curve) but the problem is I can’t even bowl straight (and certainly cannot hook my ball). My average used to hoover around 80.

We have this guy on our team (Richard) who is a good bowler. He doesn’t always bowl consistently, but I believe he has a super power. He has the amazing ability to watch you bowl and know exactly what you are doing wrong. During bowling, you always hear him telling people to move over two steps or move back a step. The amazing thing is that it actually works!

He’s been helping Emily find “her spot” again. And then, out of the blue, last night he stopped me and said “move over two boards” (boards are the little triangular markers on the lanes and the dots on the floor – they help indicate points of references). So I did, and it felt very strange. I was on the complete opposite side of the lane where I usually stand. I thought I was going to throw a gutter ball. I got up to the lane, took a deep breath, and let my ball go.

And amazingly, I did not get a gutter ball. I got a strike.

The tides have turned, my friends. My average is now a 96, and it’s only going up. I can actually bowl over 100 every game!

Wow, a whole blog post on bowling. Pathetic? Possibly.

The good news, bitches, is that bowling isn’t just about competition. It’s ridiculously fun, and it burns a lot of calories. A 150lb individual who does an hour of indoor lane bowling can burn an excess of 200 calories. I burn a lot more than 200, because I’m a Fatty McFatster.

(A good site to find out how many calories you can burn during an activity is http://www.caloriesperhour.com/index_burn.php. Just pick your activity, plug in your weight and the duration, and you’ll get how many calories you burned. I use this site religiously.)

So bowling is actually good for you! It’s not just an awkward first date affair.

And now you know how dorky I really am!

Fun Fact: Our team name is Dick and the Dykes. Dick is short for Richard and, well, the rest is explanatory. A little devilish fun within the church-going league.

Another semester has started for this college student, I am still searching for a job, and life has certainly gotten into the way of my blogging.

For that, I apologize, my lovely readers.

Two real life followers have begged me, in person, that they desire more blog posts.

My hiatus is officially over, I guess.

Currently I am sitting in a rest stop along the NYS thruway, killing some time before a doctor’s appointment. I am sitting in the back booth in the food court area, people watching, and I am forever amazed by the amount of lesbians I see.

Now, I am a lesbian, so it shouldn’t come to a surprise to me that there are more of us out there. But I guess in my daily haunts, lesbians, besides myself and my girl and a few others, are few and far in-between. It always, without fail, brings a smile to my face whenever I see us lesbians out and about, strutting our gayness.

So here I am, just sitting in this booth looking like a lonely loser, when two lesbians sit across from me. One was clearly one of those “under the radar” girls, or lacking the stereotypical lesbians appearance. Hey, I’m not hating. I’m one of those.

Her partner had messy, spikey, faux-hawky hair, an androgynous body, and an eyebrow piercing. Clearly, she flies above the gaydar.

Now, I am no cheat. I am no lecherous fiend. But I like to admire beautiful women (*hem hem*). I also like my women dyke-y (which Emily is). I probably stared with my mouth open the whole time.

I’m a fucking dog.

I love my girl and I am not in the least bit contemplating leaving her. I want to marry her. But I have the wondering eyes problem. But so does Emily.

Anyway, I love women, and I love confident women. Confidence is so sexy. What I am more attracted to in butch women is not that they look like boys (typical stereotype that I hate!) but that they have this confidence, this swag – they rock the dyke look and they know it. That’s what I love.

I also use the word “dyke” in a completely affectionate way. My girl identifies as a dyke, hell, I even call myself a dyke. It’s one of those double standard words. It’s okay to use the word in lighthearted situations, but that word can also be used as an insult. Some are offended by that word. Not trying to offend anyone. I kind of want to take that word back, make it a positive word.

It’s a slow go, for sure.

I digress, like always. Points to remember form this post: I’m still alive and kicking, butch women are hot, and more lesbians need to go out in public more often. My friend base is mostly heterosexuals – where are all the gays in my city and why can I not find them?!

Maybe it’s just me.

Whatever. I’m back and blogging will become a daily thing for me again! I promise!!!

Alright, I gotta go drive 85 miles on the thruway just for a damn checkup. Peace bitches!