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Winning the day

Hi everybody...wondering if I could get your help or thoughts. After years of struggling to persuade anyone on the topics we hold dear, I have sought out books on psychology to try and figure out new approaches (as well as, of course, listen to Freedomain and read the board ). I was curious if anybody had come across any great books or resources on persuasion strategies and if they have tried them when discussing politics, religion, parenting, the family, etc. and noticed any positive effects.

- don't use words or technical language that the person will most likely not understand

- don't talk negatively (or gossip) about others as those thoughts will be assigned to you

- focus the favors you provide to strangers, then ask quickly for a return favor

I think a part of me will never let go of the idea that reason and evidence will win the day when arguing, but that is to neglect the reason and evidence of unconscious impulses that drive most people's responses. I am wondering if we should put more effort in to the way in which we interact with others, even if it may be a bit manipulative...or is it and would that be a bad thing?

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I can't say that being deceitful is at all a good strategy, because it colors your character and your reputation from others. People will pick this up, perhaps not consciously, and it is very likely to be exposed with any idea that is more controversial..

The way you present your opinions or arguments is very important to how people perceive them.It essential to frame what you are saying in the best possible ways because of the framing effect. To make an analogy: when a chef cooks a meal, they make it look really appetizing because not only does it make people want to eat it but it also makes the meal taste better.

Being curious about their views and their arguments also helps a lot. I've found that there are many people who aren't very good at presenting their views will have an idea that turns out to be great, but it takes a little bit of effort to understand what they are trying to say. I'm very understanding of this as a person who spent most of my time in school presenting ideas, concepts, and arguments that people wouldn't at all understand.

What is also great to do is to give ideas that have logical implications, and not state them. If you are really being convincing, the person will likely figure out these implications out themselves, and that is far more satisfying for them as opposed to having someone tell your them explicitly. There are also times where people draw great implications or ideas that you hadn't, which I just love.

The toughest people to do with are people who for some reason think they can reason, but make a whole lot of nonsensical arguments that appeal to others. It is important to have strong posturing in these instances, and to just keep asking questions. It is really difficult to do, but be confident in your position, and when someone says something in response that is difficult to answer or that you can't answer, don't become anxious, rather become more curious and ask questions.

Lastly, be in the moment, and be aware of what you mind and body are telling you. Don't attempt to be central planner/controller of the discussion. I sometimes find that I can get into this zone where it doesn't feel like I am not doing much at all, all of my focus is on the other person, and the discussion is incredibly insightful and productive. It feels like the other person is convincing themselves through reason and evidence and the role I play is more like a lifeguard.