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Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist

Category: Mental Health

Satisfied Customers: 7663

Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.

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Dating a women for 9 months alot of fun,taking it slow and

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Dating a women for 9 months alot of fun,taking it slow and layed out all the groundrules up front,She was the first coworker I ever dated,asked more than 20 employees before I asked her out about character and her outlook on life..Felt safe.4 months in i developed health problems,she stood by my side and got me through a tough period.The last month of our relationship we had a few rocky moments,nothing like cheating but she says she was feeling manipulated and wasnt comfortable continuing on..Took my lumps thought it was over,5days later she says we can talk,and need to but she just cant play games.We talked in general and txt of course but still couldnt find the chance because of work to have the conversation..On her birthday I surprised her with cake and cards and gift certificates and she came at me and tried to kiss me on the mouth like everything was okay I turned my head,she kissed me on the cheek,and looked surprised then she commented I seemed so distance.Leaving she walked me to the car and we hugged and she tried to kiss me on the lips again,I kissed her but not as passionately as she kissed me.Leaving she stood in the driveway and looked like she was going to cry I felt like an ass,that I should of put aside my being hurt to make her day special I wanted to talk but didnt want to ruin her birthday..I returned to work 9 days later we talked about alot of things in general and made plans on a saturday about doing something the next day.I told her I was moving to be closer to her and she was put off because she thought that i never wanted to move because her area is congested I explained that it wasnt for her but would benefit her I needed to be closer to work..On sunday I couldnt locate her,not at home and didnt answer phone I sent a txt to see if she was alright and that i was there for her.4 hrs later she replyed everything in not alright and she wouldnt be at work on monday because she was having trouble sleeping and thank you..I returned to work to find out she went on a date with a coworker who just divorced because he is a drunk he has 2 kids and is in debt..Her choice stunned me more than finding out through the grapevine of the date..I confronted the man in a friendly way about what was going on ( i do have to work with the both of them for the next 4 years) and we agreed to be civil and left it at that..She now walks around like I never existed,She butters everyone up and talks loud about how great she is doing,but everbody at work says she always does this to mask her pain..I dont want to get into we were made for each other and all that bogus crap I am 48 her 44.but her friend says she was always worried that if I knew her past she was afraid I wouldnt date her and she couldnt figure out why I was with her because I didnt date girls like her..(SELF ESTEEM)..I have gone NC but have to go out of my way 5 or more times a day to do it,Its a small company,She saw me with another employee and later went to him and asked was he talking about her and he stated no but told her you have a man who cares deeply for you,Its just a simple talk to fix this and she said I know ,theres alot to it and walked away.Everyone who asked me about the break up I tell i care about her deeply and i dont want to talk about it..Am I doing the right thing with my attitude and feeling like an idiot at work because i know im the butt of the gossip,it hurts,Seeing her,I can get over that,her not acting like iam there at all,devestating,If she wants to date its her life,I hardly see him..I dont want to screw up a chance to possibly talk in the future and clear the air,I am not really asking for much taking the time to work on my listening skills...Hurting and not looking forward to work anymore..

Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that I can help.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

This woman is very hurt because she seemed to have backed off on the romance. One important event occurred on her birthday when you turned away from her kiss. A birthday cake, cards, and gifts don't mean anything when the one you love doesn't accept your kiss.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

She already has issues of low self-esteem which are connected not just to her past history, but more likely to being rejected or unloved when she was young, which probably had a lot to do with her later behavior.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Feeling rejected by you, it was quite natural for her to go out with someone else. That he was someone you had to face at work made it that much more like she was getting back at you for rejecting her.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

She doesn't really want to date others. She wants you to love her and not reject her. That is a major issue in her life.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You could heal this if you want to by asking her out again, telling her how much you care for her (if it is true), and spending some quality time with her, listening and being physically close (hugging and cuddling at least).

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you keep in mind that she responds very strongly to rejection, then you will find the key to keeping you in her heart.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that this relationship will work out, but you have to show her how much you care. You are stronger than her and if you want her in her life, you can have her, but you must understand her emotional frailty and support and love her and don't let her feel that you do not care.

Great anwser about her birthday,I was confused about her not being comfortable with me,I have always had problems with affection and or pda,not a close family upbringing,but continue to work on it even if i slack off every once in a while due to laziness.so backing off and NC is the right way and to continue when asked telling everyone I just want the best for her even though you can see how this is wearing on me..All her former BFs have dumped her they couldnt put up with her but I see her trying all the time through therapy and reading to better herself.Maybe I wont get the chance to talk directly to her.I did leave a letter at work with no negativity telling her and thanking her for being there for me and for sharing her life with me.No begging,didnt ask to get back together,I apoligized for my part of not making her feel important,I didnt use my health as an issue but I did let her know that i wouldnt Apologize being i needed to take care of myself..first then her..

I think that "no contact" is not constructive at all and will probably drive the wedge between you deeper and deeper the longer you avoid her.

You say that you would not make health an issue; however if you tell her that youo need to take care of yourself first, then you ARE making it an issue. You are also discounting the fact that she stayed with you and supported you when health was an issue.

Thanking her for being there for you is a way of holding her at arms length and only acknowledging part of what she means to you, as if she was a caregiver rather than someone you care about deeply.

This will probably not make her feel better, but rather feel devalued, as if she was no more than a caregiver (which is a lot but she wants you to define her as more than JUST that).

Remember, she has self-esteem issues that she is trying to work on, and you have issues of finding it a bit difficult to show emotion and affection.

The ability to show proper affection will go a long way in healing you both and making the relationship flourish, in my opinion. Let me recommend a powerful book that will give you a great deal of guidance:

I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

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35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.

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