Trying to approach life & its challenges from an awakened perspective

The Art of Being Alone

What does it truly mean to be alone, and to be happy? How many of us can truly say that we have perfected that art? So many people are constantly looking for fulfillment and happiness through external forces; whether it be trying to complete themselves with a love partner, or trying to validate themselves with a career. But we all know that true happiness comes only from within.

I have witnessed so many people in my life, go from relationship to relationship, always filling the void from the last, with the next, but never taking the time to stop and realize that they themselves are the only one who can truly fill that void; never allowing themselves the freedom and the opportunity to explore what true self-fulfillment and happiness really means. I remember telling this to an ex-boyfriend years ago. It was obvious to me that he was not happy with himself, with what he had accomplished in his own life, and he was instead trying to find that happiness with me. I knew that could never work. And I was right. You cannot depend on another person for your happiness.

I have been single for the larger part of my adult life and I have lived alone for the past 8 years. Although in many moments I have not been happy about this fact (believe me, I’ve been downright bitter at times!), and it was certainly not what I would have chosen for myself, I know that I have been fortunate to have this experience. Being on my own for so long has forced me, even if reluctantly and sometimes kicking and screaming, to learn to be happy with myself. For years I have not had someone to come home to, nobody to whisper sweet nothings to, nobody to have dinner with and tell about my day. I’ve had nobody to take vacations with, nobody to cry to or hold me when I’m sad or to take care of me when I am sick.

And believe me, for a long time this was agonizing and heartbreaking. But the silver lining is that I’ve had to learn to be that support for myself, to be my own best friend, to make myself laugh. And after many tearful, lonely nights I am happy to say that I have come out the other side and I have found happiness within myself. I now have moments where I’m completely alone and laughing out loud, and I have to smile to myself. I am at peace.

So many people are terrified of their own company. The thought of being at home, by themselves, with nobody to talk to, is debilitating for them. So they do everything possible to avoid just that; they create an overactive social life so that they are always with friends, or they become workaholics so they can drown themselves in their jobs, or sadly many even become alcoholics; but all with the same goal: to avoid the pain and darkness that they feel by being alone. Much of this is self-conscious, but sadly it is self-defeating. While one may feel comforted by the presence of other friends around them or sadly by alcohol, they are not dealing with the true loneliness within, and so that comfort will only be fleeting.

So if you find yourself alone and sad about it, it’s ok. Don’t be afraid of it, instead embrace it. Face the darkness that you feel when you are completely alone and be one with it. Walk right into it, fearlessly. For it is by being one with it, that you will eventually conquer it and start to see that you can fill your own heart with light.

73 Responses

Your post almost made me cry because I could feel your aloneness! I too have been single for awhile and most the time I am truly happy being with myself, but still have those moments when I’d love to be held and told that everything is going to be alright.

As I know after today having a family pet to comfort you is nice until they pass, then your on your own again. The pain returns. We are always alone, and never alone.

SO I go back to your 365 ways to raise your vibration and practice a few of my favorites. Tonight I think a walk on the beach is in order! Or meditation, or maybe both! Cause darn it I’m worth it 😉

jeannie beautifully written and so true with every word you wrote. its so comforting knowing that folks from high school and facebook community that i know well and not so well are along side me with similar perspectives in this journey called life. thank you for opening your heart as there is no better way to be. even though it can be scary sometimes.

What a wonderful post Jeannie. You have captured the truth of the fact that there is a great difference between being lonely and being alone. I think you also have shown us that it is important to develop a character which is comfortable being alone – in fact it is often in solitude that we really get to know who we are. As your title says there is an art to be being alone and when you practise the art you character is strengthened and developed and you learn who you really are.

[…] What does it truly mean to be alone, and to be happy? How many of us can truly say that we have perfected that art? So many people are constantly looking for fulfillment and happiness through external forces; whether it be trying to complete themselves with a love partner, or trying to validate themselves with a career. But we all know that … Read More […]

I really enjoyed this, thank you. I think that it is important for us as human beings to have a social life, however, I absolutely agree with you that people over-schedule their social lives to avoid being with themselves. Only when one finds oneself can one be with and help others. If we are not satisfied being alone with ourself, how are we to be satisfied being around others? Thanks for the post!

It’s interesting to me how I used to feel that way, running from sinking into the quiet. And now that it’s all changed and my home is filled with bodies and noise, I ache and long for that time when it was just me. I want to go back and tell myself, enjoy, be selfish, indulge, treasure the space to think and just be. Treasure and trust.

I am not necessarily happy to be on my own, but I am content with it. After years of not just living on my own, but of living a more hermetic lifestyle, I can honestly say I find the thought of sharing my space with another on a more regular basis quite confronting. The state of peace I have come to experience from living a solitary life is too precious to endanger.
But I never say never…..:-)

A very well written post, filled with realities of what we must face in life! A person who cannot face alone-ness or a person who cannot face people, are equally doomed to the negative emotion which comes from not dealing with such problems.
It sure pays to be able to do either, comfortably!

Damn this was deep. These words spoke to me. Thanks for recommending I read it. I went for a walk a few weeks ago with an old friend of mine. The first mile we walked together. The second mile I walked alone. It seemed like an eternity to me. The thought of being alone with my thoughts terrified not comforted me. I need to learn to be alone with myself and find solace in that. I find it all too comforting among others. Me time is so important I will be alone for several hours I think I will put the phone on silent and see how I prevail. Thank you!

Like you, I’ve spent a good portion of my adult life *alone*. I am very comfortable with who I am as a single person. Almost too comfortable. It was a big issue in my relationship that just ended. My *independence* and *self-sufficiency* was a bit daunting for him (a type with rescue tendencies), as I did not need rescuing. I love my alone time/me time, but I know a lot of people (including my Ex) who have a hard time being by themselves.

This is a great post! I completely agree. We often get attached to external things, people, places for happiness but like you said, they are fleeting and before you know it, it’s gone. I’ve been seeing this and experiencing this in my life and I’m still learning how to make peace with it. Thanks for sharing your story and I am happy you made it to the other side.

I live alone on the edge of a floresta, in a foreign land with not even a television…and I have never been happier. Like you, I had to learn to be alone…not easy. But also like you, I find myself laughing out loud with the sheer joy of life. What you shared is right on target. I shared it with my readers on FaceBook. Most people ask me, “how can you stand the silence?” I wonder how they stand the noise? Thanks for sharing this and for your visit to my blog. Hugs, pat

Yes, I did really enjoy this post. I very much agree with everything you have said. One of my good friends is separated and looking at divorce (which I’ve already experienced) and I am constantly tell her this. Her husband kicked her out of his bed and she thinks she can solve her problems and ignore her pain by just jumping into the beds of others.
Thanks for sharing 🙂

Hi jeannie,
I am happy for you that you have discovered happiness and most importantly in yourself.The true journey starts when we shut our five senses to the outside world and focus on the real sense and that is our mind.The most important journey is inward for in our minds lie all the real secret.There is a saying by swami vivekananda that if you can control your mind you can control the world.All the needs,wants and desires flow from our mind and once we have control of that then we want for nothing.Only in solitude and silence can you find peace and maybe a connection to the one or the place from where we started our questI wish you the best in your journey .
satish

Thank you for this light in the dark. I still struggle with acceptance and forgiveness even if two years have passed since a very important relationship ended in my life. Your words give me hope that even the most bitterly hurt heart can learn to let go and eventually laugh again.

I’m working on forgiving right now. I know I’ll reach the stage where I can look back at my ex in fondness. Once I reach the stage where I can look forward to what lies ahead, I’ll know I’ve made it.

I’m learning to breathe again and to find the gratitude in everyday things that make my life a good place to be. Thanks for reminding me that people heal and find happiness in time.

Thank you so much for your beautiful words. Yes, it is true that even the most shattered heart can heal. Keep focusing on the positive and practicing gratitude, every day, and you can turn your life around. Much love and light to you.

So well said Jeannie. As an INFP and highly sensitive/empath, I celebrate solitude. It’s in those moments when one can truly see and be themselves, to come closer to that awareness of self we all seek. Thank you for these words!

[…] We must resolve the unresolved pain, anger, and fear that dwell in the darkness deep inside of us. We must face loneliness. And not only must we face it, but we must walk through it, however painful, and truly conquer it. […]

I am also happy being alone. Single. I’ve got a lot of responsibilities, and while my sister was living with me for 3 years (which helped with my mom, who isn’t in the best health) we couldn’t get along and fought constantly. Made me miserable. And Bitchy. With a capital B. I’m the only personin the family who works.
I recently took 10 days off to go on vacation and while I stayed in town, and while I’m never far from home because the hose and shopping and my disabled mom are my responsiblity, she went out every night spending time sleeping over at one boyfriend and another. I had to be home every night be 7 o’clock to make dinner and look ater mom. I blew up, she moved up. left cigarette burns in my rug, couch, oriental throw (including being covered with dog piss). She took off, havenj’t heard from her since. Still got stuck with her cat, but that’s ok because I will make sure her pets don’t suffer, even if she takes the cat.
I realized the workload I carry without her was the same as the workload I carried with her here. But I am finally at peace. It’s great. I’m content with myself, haven’t had a relationship with a man for 10 years, and that’s ok. Am quite at peace with being alone and solitary. Yeah, it can be lonely, but I make a phone call, get on the net, although I seldom spill my guts like I am now.

Wow, never have I heard being alone put such a way. I have never felt at ease with people, it was only in my alone-time did I ever feel truly myself. No one has ever made me feel comfortable, quite like being alone does.

[…] time of loneliness, of being completely on my own, for years, before I could come to understand the importance and value of being happy on our own. It was only by walking through my own darkness that I was able to find the light, and in doing so […]

[…] So many people are terrified of their own company. The thought of being at home, by themselves, with nobody to talk to, is debilitating for them. So they do everything possible to avoid just that; they create an overactive social life so that they are always with friends, or they become workaholics so they can drown themselves in their jobs, or sadly many even become alcoholics; but all with the same goal: to avoid the pain and darkness that they feel by being alone. https://jeanniepage.com/2011/04/09/the-art-of-being-alone/ […]

This is beautiful. I used to think that my completeness relied on helping others or “fixing” friends or romantic partners to only see how much better their life could be. The truth is that many of us are used to living unhealthy codependant lives filled with guilt trips associated with every emotion we feel thinking the emptiness we feel could only be filled by somebody else. Once we realize this and start finding peace with being alone, we are no longer lonely. In this way we can attract another individual who has gone through the same growth process, and truly start a healthy relationship that will last, instead of the pitfalls of serial dating people who are afraid to be independent and only feel happy when they are with you. We are all guilty of this and it hurts like hell to go through this realization, but trust it gets easier with each life goal we accomplish for our selves. Stay strong everyone, growth hurts but you will some day reflect on your journey and be thankful to release old ways of thinking and feeling.

Dear Jeannie, I realy liked your story, but like you know loneliness, why you didn’t mentioned darkness inside and pain hoe some black hole inside eating your hapiness… Anger and revenge is driving your mind… How you starting to see and feel strange things… I was in that place more as 10 years… Till now even… Feeling…its amazing… But sad because sometimes on the morning you don’t know who you are…

Thanks for the words of wisdom! Was feeling down on myself because I have been single so much of my life & my best girlfriend is getting married on Saturday, I am the Maid of Honor, so happy for her but also makes me dwell on where my future is going & will I ever find that special someone. As you make it sound being alone helps you to really get to know yourself & only we can make ourselves happy, thanks again!

correct! It actually feels wonderful when i am alone…. Totally free to make my plans… Its just awesome to be alone cause the time seems to be stopped and feels like there is nothing that you cant achieve…. I hope you post more articles of the same kind….

I have been alone for most of my life. Even in childhood I preferred my alone-ness. It was always drummed into me that I had to mingle with other people in order to find happiness. When I believed this and tried to befriend other people, it proved disastrous. I belong alone since people have always been a source of irritation and hurt to me. I am now 65 years old — and I am proud to call myself a misanthrope. It protects me.

While surfing the net as I always find myself doing for inspiration, I found your blog and I am so glad I did!!! All my life I have loved and sought out solitude for as long as I can remember. People always thought I was shy and introverted but I’m not!!! I absolutely need quiet introspection. But in order to conform I started interacting with people in ways that were perceived as being outgoing. What a BIG mistake! After many failed relationships and friendships that should never have been, I began to realize that I was wiser as a child than I was for most my early adulthood. Now at 50 I’ve begun to understand that I was so happy in my solitude as a child because I KNEW who I was as a person. I enjoyed my own company and that was when I grew closer to God. It is okay to be alone and people should understand that it is often a choice not a circumstance. I nurtured real relationships and raised three beautiful daughters who now have families of their own. It only happened when I became happy with me…as I am. I still choose solitude whenever possible and my loved ones now know it’s just who I am! Sorry for the novel but I’m smiling knowing I’m not “alone” 🙂

Good for you! It’s absolutely a choice, and a healthy, happy one! I now have a loving partner and it took me a while to adjust back to that, but I’m very grateful for the years I spent on my own. Best growth of my life.

I have been going through loneliness for a few years. One of the things that I learn is to treat yourself good. I smile more than before. I am trying hard to put away the pasts. I hope to have a new relationship. It is not easy but l am looking forward to.

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