// Photo by Liuda (so appropriate that I happen to be wearing Gary’s 51 / 49 shirt).// This post was musically fueled by LEGENDARY – WELSHLY ARMS, which I’ve dubbed the @GaryVee soundtrack (discovered from #DailyVee).

What if I went… all in? All in on me? On that thing in my heart that keeps pulling at me?

Most of my life I’ve tried to be very anti-self-centered. Very notme. Very you and listen to you and make sure I’m on good terms with you.

Which is cool: it’s great to focus on and help others. But priority one should not be you: it should be me. (And you, not me, should be priority one for you.)

But I don’t write that, or any of this, to tell YOU that; I write this to make a statement for MYSELF.

I had a realization after watching a short video snippet of @GaryVee on Facebook. A lot of his content is very motivational for me, but this one kind of hit a new spot. He didn’t share anything I haven’t heard him say before. But he talked a lot about listening to yourself, deserving your losses and wins, regret, and doing that thing you’re scared of.

While I was watching that video, I realize I’ve barely taken any risks in my life. I’ve barely had the option to even fail at anything. Which means: I haven’t been doing shit. Even with a few achievements and overcoming personal obstacles here and there, in the grand scheme of things I’ve barely pushed myself to the capability that I have.

I don’t want to berate myself for living so stagnantly, as that won’t help me. Yet, if I don’t do something with what I “know,” then it’s only going to get worse. More stagnancy, more regret, more missed opportunities, less … life.

So why am I so afraid? What do I have to lose? What’s the worst that could happen?

I could theoretically dive head fucking first into EVERYTHING I want to do, all the shit I’m scared of doing (but WANT TO DO) …

… Fall flat on my ass …

AND BE COMPLETELY FINE. Brush myself off, go to bed, wake up the next day and say…

“Well, that didn’t work. What’s next?” Shrug it off and move on.

SERIOUSLY? I’m putting things off for weeks… months… YEARS.

Because of what… a fear of what someone will say? Of “messing up”?

This WHOLE line of thinking stems largely from a lack of belief in myself. I’ve had shit self-esteem most of my life. Grade A people pleaser.

I’ve spent far too long recognizing things that I’m doing wrong or are no longer in alignment … and done nothing about for one reason or another.

But rather try to justify this and that… I want to move on, move forward with the key points from GaryVee’s content that punched me right in the heart today.

Go Insular: Ignore Anything Anyone Thinks About You

He talks about “going insular,” and essentially ignoring anything anyone thinks about him.

He’s never had a mentor because, “I don’t value anyone else’s opinion more than my own. … This is why that’s important: If I lose, I deserve it.If I win, I deserve it.“

For most of my life, and still to this day, I have relied on so many people for almost every part of my life that I’ve barely built the foundation for supporting myself, having faith in myself, believing that I can do what I set out to do…

… And believing that I will be FINE when I fuck up. I have been TERRIFIED of messing up – to the point that I would SOONER ask every person that I knew what they thought, trying to get that green light, the “go ahead,” the “yay go do it!” before I chose to do it or not to do.

THAT IS NOT THE WAY TO LIVE. It has to START and END with me, my heart, my intuition. There’s always room for input, for feedback, for suggestions, for advice, for guidance … but never ABOVE what I think of myself. Relying on what you think is a surefire way to be a slave to the whims of others’ opinions and beliefs, which are heavily jaded by their experiences, their upbringing, their own limitations.

Deal With Your Own Losses By Yourself

“Eliminate fear by not giving a fuck about anyone else’s opinion. My losses are mine. I’ll deal them myself.“

It’s incredibly important for me to step into everything I have been learning through EOL programs and communities, to step into my heart, and to follow the nudges and the intuitions. Even though I don’t yet necessarily see the end gain at the end of those intuitions, it feels like the best thing I can do for myself.

It’s important for me to do that, to go as far as I can in what I feel called to do, to embrace failure, to embrace the losses, and learn how to deal with them myself.

Pay Attention to Your Inner Voice

“Patience and inner voice makes you unbeatable. … I never did anything, anything, ever, ever, that I didn’t want to do. Because I just didn’t value someone else’s opinion over my own.“

I have been learning to listen to that inner voice, but now it’s time to actually listen to and trust it. Like actually listen to it.

Seeing the amount of self-confidence Gary has almost hurts with how much I wish I had it to that degree. Wanting it and pining over it, however, is not what gets me to “find” or “build” that kind of confidence. But it at least makes me aware of a value or attribute that is so important for what I want to experience and become.

I’ve had a lot of incredible insights by spending more time listening to myself; to the point that I actually get very frustrated with myself on the days that I don’t make listening to that inner voice a priority. I feel like I’ve “grown” more in the past 1-2 months than I have in almost the entire previous year.

I believe now that if I start listening to that inner voice and take action and move into whatever it “says,” that I’ll create a more fulfilling life, a more abundant lifestyle, and have a bigger positive impact on the world around me.

Regret. Is. Fucking. Poison.

“What’s way more scary than failure: REGRET. You just don’t know it yet. Regret is fucking poison. And you start feeling it when you can’t do anything about it.“

This is the core of this entire post. Regret. I’ve been sitting on my hands for most of my life, trying to avoid messing up. Not speaking up. Not stepping forward.

Not taking the LEAPS I feel called towards.

I’ve been afraid to say the wrong thing, to hurt someone. Afraid to mess up. Afraid to be laughed at.

… As a result, doing nothing because of it.

Yet, one critical consequence of that thinking is that I am paying for it with my life. Literally. I have spent weeks, months and years at a time avoiding my life. I can’t get those hours back.

So why the fuck am I doing that?

I am at least fortunate enough to be aware of it happening at the age that I am. I would be a damn fool if I don’t embrace that right now.

You Can Always Go Back (and Survive)

“You can always settle into the norm. You can always get the safe job. You can always go back. But you can never be back at this place where you can take high risks.”

This has been really helpful, in a way. Realizing that even if I mess up in some epic proportion, I can simply go get a job elsewhere. Doing the most menial and unfulfilling of things if I really must.

Something to help me get my foundation and start again.

So there’s really no reason not to wait. No reason not to take the risk.

If I fuck up: I can always go back (or to something else).

Go See How NOT Scary It Is

In another video, Gary Vaynerchuk says …

“Tomorrow… go and do something you’ve been wanting to do… that you’re desperately scared about what your parents, the world, the market, your social media followers will think… DO IT and then see how NOT SCARY the negativity actually is.” – “There’s just decisions, no right or wrong.” – “Do one thing that makes you uncomfortable. See the reaction from the audience and your inner family and your friends… And realize very quickly that it wasn’t as scary as you thought… that “feedback”.”

More than anything else in this post: this is the call to action. It’s always been there, but these videos have hit pretty hard. The only thing that matters now is whether or not I actually do something about it – or just talk about it.

Doing the Thing: Let’s Find Out How Scary It Isn’t

This, like all of my posts, are for me. And for whatever reason, putting it down on paper (pixel) helps to make it more permanent, more real, more … committal. A decree, if you will.

So in pursuit of scary things, or things that probably aren’t that scary once I start…

In pursuit of learning that I am stronger than I realize, that I CAN trust myself…

I am taking another step forward towards doing the thing:

J&J Finals with Leah! • Photo by Ariel Penu

Embracing West Coast Swing in the fullest possible way.

As a dancer, as an instructor, as a competitor, as a community leader.

If I don’t start saying and embracing THOSE FOUR qualities of my WCS pursuit… It just gives me an excuse not to go all in. If I don’t say it, then I don’t have to face it.

For years I have been trying to “find my thing.” My passion, my whatever. And here WCS is, waving its hand like a fucking maniac.

Nothing has touched my heart in the way that West Coast Swing and dance has.

Will this be a thing that consumes my life? No idea. Will I do more than just WCS? Probably.

But for now: let’s do the thing and see how NOT scary it actually is.

AND LISTENING TO MYSELF FIRST, LAST, AND ALWAYS.

I commit to taking risks, to pushing myself out of my comfort zone, to doing things differently than what’s been done, to testing, to learning, to failing, to winning.

So my FOUR of WCS:

DANCE → I may not have a ton of dance proficiency compared to some of the other dancers out there, but that doesn’t mean I can’t learn. And I can only learn by jumping in and starting.This means taking the time to practice on my own, when nobody’s watching, to researching and learning more about this dance.

TEACH → I may not be an experienced instructor yet, but that doesn’t mean I can’t learn. And I can only learn by jumping in and starting.This means having the courage to actually teach when I’m not yet ready, when it’s imperfect and messy.

COMPETE → I may not be the “best dancer” out there with a ton of skill or confidence on the competitive floor, but that doesn’t mean I can’t learn. And I can only learn by jumping in and starting.This means getting on the competitive floor as much as possible: Jack & Jills, ProAms, Strictlies, Showcases and whatever else. Anything that gets me into the spotlight and builds confidence – and references for realizing I can survive failure.

COMMUNITY LEAD → I may not have experience leading a community of dancers for WCS, but that doesn’t mean I can’t learn. And I can only learn by jumping in and starting.This means stepping up to the plate to actually be a face for the community, to put my personality into it, to sharing my beliefs, and having the courage to try new things – and things that have never been done.

My “one thing” all seems to point towards the Fort Wayne Westies right now, and to pour all my heart into this project. Into creating a space for Westies to learn and thrive.

I take inspiration from a lot of different people and existing communities, but I also want to have the courage to try things that have never been done before, to see a future that doesn’t yet exist, to encourage others to step into the kind of dancer and person they want to become.

Since the beginning of this website, I’ve been trying to figure out “that thing.” It’s clear WCS is “that thing,” but I’ve decided that I will use austinpranger.com as a platform to share my experiences in ALL THINGS AUSTIN. West Coast Swing. Dance. Mindset. Heartset. Entrepreneurship. Travel. Whatthefuckever comes to mind.

This website has now just become a bucket of all my experiences and projects for personal and professional means.

I don’t want to EVER feel like I have to hide ANY part of who I am, any thing that I pursue, because I’m afraid “potential clients” or “potential friends” not liking me for something I pursue in a different area of my life.

I feel like there is more I could say about the thing, but I will stop here for now. Yes, WCS has been a thing for a while. But this is about stepping into it 100% and using it as a medium for incredible personal growth. It’s about stepping into the inner voice, the heart, the intuition… and following it to wherever it leads: West Coast Swing and all other things.

So, welcome to Day 1 (kind of but not really) of my “Westie Journey” (name of the thing to be determined, lol). Updates to come on this marvelously exciting, silly, interesting, and messy journey. I don’t know where it will go, but it’s about time I find out. Because I will be perfectly fine no matter what happens.

I am experiencing, more than ever, the impact of clinging onto the “facts” of who I am. I caught myself in the middle of a disempowering habit and forced myself to shift my direction in that moment.

I was returning a message to a friend online who was offering me a lot of encouragement and support for sharing my secret online, stepping into my truth, and making progress in big areas in my life.

Almost immediately my message went towards deflecting some of that encouragement and support, going on about “how other areas of my life weren’t making much progress” and other things that essentially indicated I wasn’t happy, despite sharing that secret that I had been harboring for years.

I was mid-message and I internally I went…

“No, wait a minute. That may be technically true that I’m not making progress in select areas of my life. But I did just open up about something really deep and personal, something I’ve hid for years. I did just spend around a month really listening to my heart. I have been spending a lot of time going inward and trying to understand myself.”

And my internal dialogue continued for another moment…

“How is this helpful for me to continue to whine and complain about not making progress in my life? How is it helpful to keep justifying to myself for being quiet and shy all the time? Even if some of those facts are “true,” how is that actually helping me? Am I benefiting myself by sharing those facts and thinking about them on a regular basis? Is it not also true that I have made progress? And more importantly… Isn’t it true that by saying those things, I am perpetuating that situation in my life for another moment, another day, another month, another year?“

I really sat with that for a couple of minutes and hit backspace on everything I was writing. I could still feel that pull to justify the perceived “truth of my situation” and lean on those thoughts in my head that clawed at me to say, “but I still have THIS and THAT problem.”

I restarted with a thank you. And I took a moment to be selfish and to recognize and step into all of the things she was highlighting about my growth these past few days and weeks.

It was as though, in that moment, a fog had lifted and I was stepping into a more empowering state of mind. It felt a lot better to think and talk from this way, rather than what I had been doing on default and autopilot for so long. It’s what Kyle Cease talks about with “what feels Light and what feels Heavy.”

I could spend all day arguing and confirming all of the “facts” of my life, but that is not actively orienting me towards a lifestyle that I want. Each time I say one of those “facts,” it not only perpetuates that fact, but I am simultaneously spending my TIME and ENERGY on perpetuating it. And each time, it depletes my mental energy and capacity to move forward in a productive way.

I could just decide not to say those things. Whether they’re true in all facets or not does not matter: not saying them does not make me a liar. When I choose not to say them, think them, or believe in them, I am simply choosing not to continue down a path that is destroying me.

This is what Jordan B. Peterson talks about with his message to “stop saying things that make you weak.”

Because, as he explains in one of his lectures (below), saying things that make you feel weak end up disaligning you from the core of your being. The more you say things that are “as true as you can say them,” they can align you with the depth of who you are.

The moment I step down a path that makes me feel much more empowered is the moment I feel more inclined to do the things that will actually help me create the life I want to live and become the person I want to be. I may have to practice this regularly and be vigilantly aware of when I am saying things that make me weak out of habit, but I know this is the way I will keep myself on the path towards that ideal life.

In a nutshell: whether or not those things I wanted to habitually reply to my friend were true, saying them would make me weak. It would perpetuate my situation instead of empowering me to become better. So I’m choosing not to say them.

And I’m striving to move forward, to the best of my ability, to stop saying, thinking, and doing anything that makes me feel weak like that. I don’t have to say anything different, I can simply start by not saying those things.

It’s worth the pause to ask ourselves, is what we’re saying making us weak?

Six words that pushed me to action about 8 years ago. And one of my favorite quotes. Because sometimes you just gotta’ have a ‘f*ck it’ moment.

Casey Neistat talks about a gap when thinking about goals in life:

You are “here.” You want to be “there” where the goals are.

The only thing standing between “here” and there” is a bunch of work.

And I’m becoming more aware of a similar “gap” in parts of my life, too. Anytime I’m facing something unusual and particularly weird, it takes me a long time to really make that first step.

There was a time I couldn’t even LOOK at, let alone go into, certain aisles in a store.

But once I made that first step, it started to get easier. The gap between “I want to do X” and “I did X” gets a little shorter.

And moving towards the next thing makes that gap to X shorter yet.

Whether it’s something big or something silly, each time I do something and #EmbraceTheWeird in any way, the gap between “I have this idea” and “f*ck it” gets shorter and the severity of doing that thing gets less intense.

That step makes me realize, “Oh, I didn’t die from that, maybe it’s not quite as bad as my brain wants me to think.” And I start to question my original beliefs and fears.

This photo wasn’t on the agenda today, it just kind of happened, but it’s helped me to realize how short that gap is becoming, just by taking little steps and doing little things on my own. Not just in these #EmbraceTheWeird moments, but in many areas of my life.

Because what do I have to lose? A little bit of comfort? A judgemental person in my circle? A fan/follower/subscriber? I can’t even think of any substantial loss besides having to deal with with embarrassment, teasing, not knowing how to react, etc.

And that’s a silly thing to not be yourself for.

I’m already experiencing first hand the impact of being surrounded by people that are pro-YOU.

People who don’t immediately lead with a teasing remark to put me on the defensive (even if well intentioned). People who don’t make you feel like you’re doing something abnormal (even if by all accounts, you are).

But rather people who cheer you on and help you to feel like being yourself is actually the most normal thing you could do, despite how weird you feel at first.

That gap shrinks so much faster when the people around you are giving thumbs up instead of trying to hide snickers. And sometimes that may mean finding new people to be surrounded by.

What happens when you share your deep secret? That thing you would be terrified if someone found out?

I suppose my heart heard that and said, “Let’s find out!” because at the end of 2017, I created a post about what my ‘secret’ was and shared it with a private Facebook group.

I crafted it over and over until I was like, “Fuck it, no, I have to just say it and be done with it. Stop beating around the bush.” So that’s what I have to do now too, because I was re-writing this blog post over and over and over.

I’m a guy, but I really like womenswear and other traditionally feminine things. I find myself fascinated by all of the options that ladies have when it comes to clothing and I want to be able to incorporate some of that into my own personal style. Colors, flowing fabrics, soft materials, unique designs.

As I’ve explored this “secret” of mine for years, I realized I might be touched a little more by the side of femininity than the average guy – and that has become okay to me. I feel like I may be somewhat more dynamic, more accepting, more open-minded, and more creative because of this.

And when I view my secret, my related quirks, in that light: why not embrace it in every possible way imaginable?

Sure, I may not yet have the courage to embrace it 100%, but simply putting these words out there, it begins the process.

It gives me the agency to start exploring other aspects of this discovery. I can focus less on “what will people think of me? How will I react?” and more on things like, “How can I leverage this unique characteristic to improve my life and to help others?”

And there was another interesting impact of sharing my secret…

I hit publish that night in the end of December 2017, but when I woke up the next morning… I was met with a flood of comments the next morning. No post I have ever shared online has gotten that many comments before, and that by itself goes to show the impact of being vulnerable.

But the most important part of that…

Every single one, EVERY SINGLE ONE, was supportive, accepting, and encouraging in some way.

I had someone offer to help me learn more about myself through a fun Pinterest project, and that was the first time I ever really talked about all of this with another person in such a way where it felt completely normal to do so. Embraced everything I had to say. No judgement when 95% of the pictures I put on that board were all woman or womens attire.

Someone else brought up the idea of doing a fun photoshoot to encapsulate my story with this thing when she hits the road.

I got a lot of great recommendations on who to check out for style and personality that exhibited similar style-choices.

Someone called me out when I liked his post; a warm-hearted challenge to embrace what was in his message: BE THE TRUE YOU.

So many suggestions to start small, to find people that would accept me for exploring this, and branch out as I get more courageous.

A PM from someone who said my post moved them to share something of their own in new places.

Nudges to start my own fashion line, to start something new to bring some ‘zing’ to the men’s side.

My post on Dita von Teese was found by an exotic dancer, despite me having zero connections with her, and when I thanked her for sharing my post, I got the most heart-warming message: how encouraging for me to hear that someone could resonate with what I had to share.

Even the comments that were like, “I would never do that” were like, “YOU DO YOU MAN, GO DO IT.”

I could keep going, but I felt so incredibly supported and loved for something that, for the longest time, has felt like this dirty little secret. Something that I “shouldn’t have” but was stuck with.

It was a HUGE step for me personally to share that. And seeing that level of support put me on a new level, seriously– I’ve felt like a different person ever since that morning. Just a huge air of calm and confidence. A new world is opening up to me. A new world of possibility.

But I also realized that it was still somewhat segmented, compartmentalized. Nobody locally really knew this, minus a few. And by sharing this post today, now I put out that same beacon out to my “local peeps.”

I’m not sharing it to necessarily garner the same kind of support that I got in that Facebook group, but it is an opportunity for the people that see what I said and feel a “hell yeah!” to say or do something to show their support. And from that moment I will recognize that they are someone who is open minded, who is respectful, judgement-free, and so on.

Those are the kind of people I will want to associate with.

And it’s also an opportunity for people to read that and go, “that’s fucking weird, man,” whether to my face or not. And that’s great too, and that’s completely their choice, which I respect. But it gives me the opportunity to, if they unfollow me, unfriend, or just otherwise be a dick about it — to release them from my focus. I don’t want to spend my time with judgemental, negative people.

And by SHARING MY TRUTH, I will act as a lighthouse, a magnet to the people that think the same way, or share similar characteristics of love and support and play and … other awesome stuff.

Yet, I will never be able to “attract my tribe” by hiding all of those unique things about myself. While I can still find amazing people without sharing these “weird” things about myself, it’s when I do have the courage to share the weirdest things that I really find the other people in my life who will shine the brightest.

So I will continue to pursue what this is, I will continue to share parts of who I am in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. But I don’t do it from a place of trying to get attention or even validation anymore. I do it first for myself, to help me accept who I am. Second to find those people in my life that are truly supportive, people that I can go to when I do need support, people that I can support back. And third, to be an example to others who may go through similar tribulations of self-acceptance in their own life.

But the moment those words came out of my mouth in that video…

It was a sense of relief. I had this moment of, “Oh. Now what do I do?” Because I had spent months, years, thinking that this thing would just be something I have to keep secret. And maybe it still will, as I slowly build up that courage to wear whatever it is that I do want to wear. But suddenly, the moment I said it, the moment I make this post, there will be a sense of openness about tomorrow.

What was once forever going to be this thing looming over me is now something that’s a part of the past. It’s done. It’s been said. Now I can move on.

There was a moment where I thought that maybe I don’t need to share this, because I felt really comfortable about what I had just said. It was still awkward, but it felt good to say those words. Even if I’m still trying to figure out exactly what it is I DO want, what it means for me, I felt a sense of relief just knowing that I had said them.

But rather than take the easy way out and not write this post, not share that video… I realized there was a reason to still share this, there’s still some value and importance for putting my truth out:

Shine your light and attract the awesome people in your world.

And to hopefully show others that may be processing their own secrets that they can at least start by finding acceptance in themselves for their own quirks, or to find the courage to share it with SOMEONE they know will support them.

Finding that acceptance within myself was a very slow, very long process. It wasn’t even something I readily recognized as something that wanted to surface, but the hints were there for years. I always admired women’s outfits, feminine beauty, art, design, colors … all of it. But it never really translated into a, “Oh wait a minute, I like it because I want to have that for myself also.“

It wasn’t until I got drunk one night at a friend’s house; an apartment with his roommates, a bunch of guys and one of their girlfriends. Part of that night is a bit fuzzy, ahem, but I remember very distinctly being there and being like…

I totally want to get into her … boots.

And I did. I wore those boots all night.

The days that followed, all I could think about was, “… So this is a thing now, isn’t it?” I didn’t really come to terms with it or face it for a while. I’ve never been big on drinking, but it was that night that I realized that alcohol is a really, really good way to disinhibit yourself. A great way to learn about yourself. I don’t drink often, but ever since I have become keenly aware of what my thoughts are like, what I’m saying, how I behave when I’ve had a little bit to drink. Because I can learn quite a bit about myself, and I can learn a little about what I could be like if I embraced more of a fun, carefree, heart-driven attitude.

“What could this imply?”

Those are words that Kyle Cease shared and I thought about them as I made the video.

What could this, accepting the feminine side of my personality, imply? What could this, liking women’s attire, imply? What could this, being able to share this post, imply?

So many things. So many exciting things. Like… It could imply…

I’m more courageous than I gave myself credit.

I’m unique.

I could just start doing whatever I want to do in my life.

I could develop a very unique style by incorporating different elements of fashion.

That amazing people are out there, I just have to share who I am to find them.

I could accept a whole slew of other “non-traditional” and quirky things about myself.

My entire life could change by truly embracing myself.

Only I am the one holding myself back from embracing the things I want to do.

I could be interested in elements of design.

I might be able to inspire someone to accept or share their own secret.

I could look into getting directly involved in fashion/style design.

I could find help if I reach out.

MY EXPERIENCES ARE MINE TO DESIGN.

Ever since reading those comments, especially the last couple of days as I reconnected with that, I’ve felt this unmistakable energy about me. I just want to be free and creative and playful. I just want to have fun with life. I want to be able to be confident and just act on my intuition and the call of my heart, instead of my fears.

“If I started to explore all of those quirky things…

Where would life go?

Where could life go?”

“I dunno.”

“But it could be interesting.”

And what a delightful proposition: life could be interesting. Not fearful, not stressful. Interesting. No matter what happens, interesting.

I’m excited for what comes next, because I don’t know what comes next. Maybe I start to explore more ambitious clothing choices. Maybe I ask someone to help me up my style game. Maybe I finally dye my hair and figure out how to actually manage long hair. Maybe I just start doing more things that excite me or delight my curiosities. Maybe I just start accepting more and more of my little quirks without feeling the need to explain or justify them in my head.

The trajectory of my life can change so very radically by accepting something like this within myself. Not just because of wearing something different, but because of creating the confidence to be myself, having supportive people around me, and taking on the point of view of a lifestyle that is open, and creative, and playful.

Regardless of what you think of me or my situation, thank you for reading. I appreciate you taking the time to explore but a glimpse into my mind.

But more than anything, I hope you find the courage to embrace more and more of who you are. And that you show your acceptance and support to those close to you. Because those people might need it more than you realize. A comment, a hug, lending an ear, a playful suggestion — it might do more than you realize.

And thank you to the EOL community. You know who you are. (:

Here are just a handful of the comments that I received from sharing my post in that Facebook group. I hope that they don’t mind that I shared these (I blocked out the names, just in case), because all of the comments I got helped me to build the confidence to embrace that secret of mine.

I hope that they can help someone embrace something in themselves too, whether it’s something as weird as wearing the opposite gender’s clothes, or something simple.

Courage: one of my Top 5 Values of 2018 that I am attempting to cultivate deeply into the core of my being this year.

I am not someone who is known for being necessarily courageous. I tend to hide in the back and let others step up to the plate when something needs done. And I don’t necessarily want to do be doing that.

But I also know that I have been able to do things that many people might not, like share some of my deepest truths and vulnerabilities online. I know I’m making progress in this area, but I want to move even faster with it.

The Origin of Dragons

A few months ago I watched an old lecture from Jordan B. Peterson who did an entire lecture by reading a kid’s book about dragons, and unsurprisingly he spun it into a really deep life lesson. Like many of the messages Peterson had, this one stuck with me.

The general idea (and if you are intrigued by this, go watch it yourself because he can articulate all of this so much better) is that dragons exist in your life. They are every single problem or situation in your life that needs to be handled. Some dragons (problems/situations) are small and some are large. Some are a bit quiet and others are a bit loud. Some seem harmless and others cause a lot of problems.

Can you think of a few problems or situations in your life right now that might have these attributes? I can:

I’m about to fall off my parents’ insurance and I need to deal with this. I have not.

My income isn’t where I want it and it’s not sustainable.

I’ve become really bad about taking care of other obligations and meeting deadlines.

The car I’m using is … old. Probably on its last legs and could just stop working at any moment. I haven’t looked for a replacement yet.

I’m usually pretty slow to get around to doing taxes, often waiting until the last few days before the deadline.

“Notes” and “reminders” tend to pile up for days at a time before I clear through them.

Most of those are pretty substantial things I need to take care of. And if I don’t take care of them, they can cause some serious harm. Peterson talks about how dragons can grow. They start off small and sometimes harmless, which is why many of us put off handling those dragons in our lives. But because they CAN grow, they become bigger and as they become bigger… they become stronger and have the capacity to do damage in our lives.

Big dragons can breathe fire and will cause even more damage than we can possibly figure out. In fact, the fact that those dragons are big, alive, and flying around means that they can go around and create even MORE problems than we anticipate. It makes me a bit icky just looking at those items above and thinking about what will happen if I don’t take care of them “in time.”

And this is why it’s important to take care of, to SLAY those dragons, as early as we can. When they’re small and easy to handle. When they aren’t likely going to cause much, if any, damage. Even seemingly “small” problems/situations are worth taking seriously:

A couple of items or clothes misplaced in the room.

Noticing and reading a text but not answering it while it’s on your mind.

Leaving those emails in the inbox.

Skipping a brief practice session in your hobby “just this once.”

Not leaving the house early for an appointment.

All of these have the capacity to become more serious problems, bigger dragons. If we don’t take care of them immediately or as soon as possible, then they are bound to grow – and as they grow, they cause more of a mess in our life and then become harder to slay.

Becoming the Dragon Slayer of My Own Life

In my pursuit of becoming more courageous, I want to take on the mindset of a “Dragon Slayer” in my life. By becoming a slayer of the dragons in my life, I’ll habitually become more courageous, and be able to yield the riches that dragons protect – the gold that they hoard.

This ties in so well with a snippet from Psycho-Cybernetics, one of my all-time favorite books. Maxwell Maltz offers a “prescription” for courage and self-confidence, two components for the “Success-Type Personality.” Summarized, to become more courageous and more self-confident Maxwell provides the following advice and insights:

Bet on yourself. Don’t sell yourself short. Everyone has strength inside of them, but many don’t think they have it within them. That resources is available to all of us, but only if you act. You are braver than you think.

Dare to take a step in the wrong direction. It’s better than staying “on the spot” all of your life. Once moving forward, you can correct your course. But your subconscious can’t guide you when you’re stalled, standing still. Be willing to make a few mistakes.

Small success is a stepping stone for greater success. We must start small and gradually work ourselves up to bigger wins in our life. Boxing managers do this by carefully “graduating” their boxers from success to success in their fights to create confidence-building experiences. “When beginning a new task, call up the feelings you experienced in some past success, however small it might have been.”

Don’t dwell on your mistakes and failings. Focus on your successes and regularly remember them in times of self-doubt. Maxwell jokes that we should only be self-critical about ourselves “once a year.” The subconscious helps us auto-correct without our needing to focus on it 24/7.

Practice acting boldly and with courage in regard to ‘little things.’ This goes RIGHT back to what I said in What a Teese – Lessons from the ‘Queen of Burlesque.’ What Dita von Teese talks about with “wearing lingerie under everything, every day, all the time” developing courage takes regular practice – it needs to be worked on and “worn” every single day, especially in the moments you wouldn’t need it. And only then will courage be a default behavior for you, not requiring immense effort to call upon in a time of need.

Confront your problems and fears (dragons). A great quote in this section of the book is, “No Captain can do very wrong if he places his Ship alongside that of an Enemy.” All problems in our lives become erased or shrink in size if we confront them, rather than avoid them. “Touch a thistle timidly and it pricks you. Grasp it boldly and its spine crumbles.”

This is all great and helpful for me. In fact, the section on courage in Psycho-Cybernetics is what originally inspired me to make a post. And then I started putting the pieces together and decided: I want to be a dragon slayer.

I mean, dragon slayers are kind of badass. It comes with this grand image of adventure and slaying mighty beasts far larger than you and have the ability to crush or obliterate you … yet there you are, standing your ground with the confidence that you will topple the foul beast and take the gold and riches it has hoarded!

If I take some of that advice for myself…

Bet on yourself:

I can recognize that I have taken some courageous steps in the past, so I know it’s doable because I’ve done it before.

I can recognize that there IS strength inside of me, I just haven’t used it.

And perhaps most importantly: I can and will start doing the things I want to do and trust that the strength will follow, and be created along the way, to stand against tribulation and other dragons that show their faces.

Dare to take a step in the wrong direction:

Rather than spend 90% of my time planning and 10% of my time moving… I can reverse that and plan 10% of the time and MOVE and COURSE CORRECT 90% of the time.

I could just pick one of my “big ideas” and just DO it. Move towards it. Take the next step closer to it. So what if it’s the complete wrong way? At least when I move, I’ll recognize that, instead of playing a million different possibilities in my head.

And so what if someone laughs? I’m moving and doing what I think is best and they’re… standing there laughing.

Small success is a stepping stone for greater success:

Take baby steps. This was one of the most common pieces of advice I was given when I shared something really personal with a massive group of strangers on Facebook. Start small, start where you’re comfortable enough to take one scary step forward, and you’ll build your courage and confidence along the way.

With all of the new things I want to do this year, I will have to call upon previous memories/feelings of success.

Celebrate those little moments I DO have the courage to do something out of my comfort zone.

I think if I only did this one out of these 6, I would be insanely happier this year than any other year. I spend so much time dwelling on the past and things I “did wrong” that I lose so much time and energy that could be spent on something actually beneficial for my life.

Nobody really cares about all of the problems I keep thinking are a big deal.

The more I talk about them, the more they will persist in my life.

Practice acting boldly and with courage in regard to ‘little things.’:

Find moments every single day to do something boldly and with courage; in my room, in my attire choices, saying something I believe in, and so on. Build up those courage muscles one itty-bitty thing at a time!

This is perhaps the most important of them all: actually stepping up to the plate and confronting the dragons, small and large in my life.

Sit down and get to work on those things I keep putting off.

And even work up that courage to share what I’m afraid to share, wear that thing I’m afraid to wear, talk to that person who intimidates me, and so on.

Doing “Comfort Zone Challenges” and embarking on “Rejection Therapy” are both activities that really, really interested me in recent years. But I very rarely did the things I wanted me to do. Maybe I will focus on just a few of them at first (baby steps). But looking back, I do recognize a handful of moments in recent years where I did step out of my comfort zone. And as I reflect on that… I’m realizing that the gap between each step is getting shorter and quicker.

“FAITH is not ‘believing in something in spite of the evidence’, but rather it is ‘the COURAGE to do something regardless of the consequences.”

At this point, talking about becoming courageous is starting to feel repetitive. I think and talk a lot about it, but now is the time to actually BE courageous by DOING courageous things. I can see and feel that this year will be a year of living far more courageously and independently than ever before. But of course, it’s just the beginning and it’s just talk – action is what counts.

But I also don’t want to sell myself short like I often do. I may very well still need to build myself up, little by little, and build those experiences of success.

And to really begin my year of courageous living… very soon I will share the “private” post I made in a closed group that involves being completely vulnerable about one of the “weird” things about me that I’ve been afraid of people finding out. Because the payoff was immense. It was the best way I could have ended 2017 and started 2018.

Here’s to 2018: the year of slaying dragons, doubts, and FEARS. Not by eliminating them, but by becoming STRONGER and more COURAGEOUS than them.

Are you a slayer of dragons in your life or do you need to become one? Imagine what a community of dragon slayers would look like and what they could accomplish.

//

This entire post paraphrased by a Gary Vaynerchuk favorite:

“We’re strong as shit. We’re really fucking strong. We’re just being sold that we’re not, because there’s a lot of money in telling us we’re not pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, good enough. FUCK THAT. I wanna tell you you’re the fucking best, go do shit.” – youtu.be/NfcVRvXhTwg?t=1m33s

The only way to get momentum is to start moving. The only way to take action is to take action. The only way to create something is to create it.

I have to keep it simple. There’s nothing fancy to do in order to do something. You just have to do it.

I’ve been going through a lot of procrastination and putting off genuine things I want to do this past week. The past few days of my Glimmering Butterfly Project haven’t been my “best,” because I could tell I wasn’t living with the heart nearly as much as I could have been.

Last night, I spent a couple of hours curating up a post idea that I had from about a week ago. And it was the most energizing thing I’ve probably done all week. There’s so much excitement that came from creating that post and in eventually finding the courage to share it.

So by “creation creates creations” I mean that the simple act of creating something can create the momentum to KEEP creating.

By the time I was finished with that post, I didn’t want to sleep – even though I was mega tired – because I wanted to keep creating. I ended up falling asleep on the floor for a quick-nap-turned-deep-slumber. But today I woke up with a lot more energy, excitement, and natural drive to get things done.

It was as if the “simple” act of doing something, creating something, opened up a gateway for everything else to follow.

So today’s Glimmering Butterfly Project post isn’t something deep or profound, but the simple act of creating something last night, and now again today… keeps the momentum going.

And I’ll eventually find my stride: maybe I just need to create SOMETHING in the morning when I wake up. Disregard all the things I “should” be doing perfectly in the morning and just DO something. Create something. Say something.

And some days I might not be feeling it, but the majority of the time when I actually put fingers to keys, pen to paper, words to air … an unmistakable drive of creation follows suit.

I’ve been working on a side project on Pinterest for the past few weeks with a new friend I made on Facebook. Part of that has involved a lot of browsing on Pinterest, which means a lot of new discoveries. And somehow I found a picture of Dita von Teese that apparently captivated me, else I wouldn’t be writing this post.

Thinking she was an actress from a show I must have watched (I’m bad with remembering names), I tried to figure out who she was and watched a couple interviews of her. I quickly realized she wasn’t the person I thought she was, but her presentation, personality, and philosophies really interested me.

Even though I might not be able to relate to her in the sense of career, since you know, I’m not working on becoming a burlesque dancer anytime soon, some of the messages she believes in and shared really stood out to me, so I took some of the core ideas and translated them into my own not-a-burlesque-dancer situation.

(1.) Your Everyday Lingerie

Dita von Teese talked about the value and importance of wearing lingerie under everything every single day. While the specifics of this particular example doesn’t pertain to me exactly, the message behind it that we can extract is what’s really important (or relevant).

“Everything has to look like you didn’t try. Like, you just are. The lingerie is one of those things.

“That’s why you must wear it every day and enjoy it and wear things that fit you so that you’re just like, ‘what?’ You know, you didn’t put it on for him, you’re not like stumbling out of the, you know, your bedroom, ‘oh I put this on for you,’ and posing [awkwardly].

“You’re already wearing it. He’s lucky he’s there and getting to experience it. It’s like a guy wanting me to wear little bobby socks and a school girl uniform– I wouldn’t do it because it doesn’t make me feel good and ultimately it wouldn’t be sexy if I didn’t feel good.“

It’s important to be able to BE YOU and be confident as you are, no matter what you’re doing, no matter what you’re saying, no matter what you’re wearing. And in order to do that, you have to do ALL of those things ALL OF THE TIME.

That is what I took away from it.

I am, very rarely, “truly me” in public. I lack the same confidence out in public that I do in my home. I don’t wear all of the things I’d like to wear in public. I don’t say the things that are on my mind or that I feel compelled to say very often – hell, I don’t even SAY anything very often to most people.

When we start doing the things that make us US, ALL OF THE TIME, then it becomes a default part of who we are. Wearing lingerie underneath your clothes all of the time is like setting yourself up to be your “ideal self” at all times, that way when you need it – it’s already there. You don’t have to change. It’s just there. Always.

While I’m not likely to be wearing lingerie anytime soon… this method is something I’m starting to incorporate more regularly by …

a) wearing more and more of the things I actually want to wear, little by little.

Truthfully, I’m not comfortable wearing many of the things I’d like to wear – not yet, and certainly not in most public settings. Anytime I try wearing a new piece of clothing, I usually feel awkward for a while because I’m too hyper-conscious about what people think (even though most people probably don’t even notice – or care).

But the more often I wear it, at home, the easier and more natural I feel when I go out wearing that same piece or accessory. I return to my more natural mannerisms and walk more confidently than I had compared to when I wore it for the first time.

b) talking to myself in the comfort of my room to get used to my own voice and let articulated speaking become a habit, not a conscious thing I have to focus on.

I often feel like a mad man when I’m talking by, and to, myself in my room. But it’s been having pretty profound effects in normalizing my speaking tone and volume. Since I haven’t used my voice as much as the average person, I would often surprise myself when talking to people – and speak faster and less articulated than I needed to.

So the more I use it, the more natural it becomes, and therefore gradually it will become more natural in a situation when I’m with someone else.

c) learning to give myself permission in both small and big things.

It sounds stupid and simple to most people, but I’ve been having to teach myself how to give myself permission to do both small and big things in my life. As a recovering people-pleaser, I still habitually look to other people to get approval or validation on an idea before really accepting it or diving into it.

The more I can start taking action on the little or big intuitions that my heart is whispering to me, the faster I will move in life, the more confident I will become, and the stronger and more vibrant I can become in this world.

What this really boils down to is feeling comfortable in your own skin – or in the clothes you choose to wear, lingerie or not. Because when you wearing your personality, your truth, and your ideal self in every single moment, then it won’t take work to be that person. You will always be that person and it takes no effort.

What are some of the things that we can “wear underneath” every single day? So that it becomes a part of who we are, that it becomes natural and effortless?

What can we start wearing on our soul?

(2.) Glamour: the Power of Creating Yourself

Dita talks about glamour and self-creation – so it’s probably why I’m so fascinated by her without actually knowing very much about her, her work, or her past. Learning to create myself into the ideal person I want to be is something that I focus on a lot.

She openly talks about how she enjoys glamour over beauty, because glamour is the creation of art: it’s man-made beauty, something that takes work to create. And by doing it yourself, you are becoming the creator of yourself.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with spending time and energy into creating yourself to be who you want to be, including any effort that goes into making yourself as visually “beautiful” or “cool” as you want.

I’ve often felt a certain amount of guilt for wanting to “look cool” for whatever reason or in whatever way, but I’m learning that there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to look good. Because when you’re doing it for yourself, when you’re creating yourself, looking good isn’t something that’s done narcissistically because of other people, but because it makes you feel good to look as you designed and to put in the work to create what you envisioned.

As weird as it’s been for me to admit for a long time, I’ve admired glamour and design from visual and aesthetic points of view for a long time. And now I have a new understanding of appreciation when looked through this lense: the art of creating yourself.

Are we actively creating ourselves to be the “beautiful” or “cool” person we want ourselves to be?

(3.) Be Adventurous and Have Fun

“… I’ve bathed in my lingerie before… taken off the stockings, flung them across the wall, having them stick … you know, having a sense of adventure, a sense of humor …”

It has been really difficult for me to let loose and have fun and just be in a good mood most of the time. Not that I’m saying I need to be bouncing around and having a great time 24/7, but I know that I would be a lot happier if I learned how to be more adventurous and have fun at least a little bit more.

So that’s one of my top “questions” this year, learning how to embrace myself in all facets so that I can have more fun and bring more joy to day to day life and in my interactions with other people.

In a different video, Dita talked about her earliest adventures in burlesque performing. It wasn’t something she planned on doing long-term, doing it for fun because she was young.

After her first acting and performance success, she realized she had this little triumph and simply asked herself “what can I do next?” She went on to do the next thing. And got another triumph. “What can I do next?”

And as a result, what was just a “thing for fun,” and consistently moving from triumph to triumph… she eventually became the “Queen of Burlesque.”

Not every “great thing” we do or aspire to necessarily has be to be mapped out from start to finish. We can simply start by being adventurous and having fun with whatever captivates our curiosity. Who knows where it will lead.

So what can we do NEXT? What fun, adventurous triumph will we seek NEXT?

(4.) Only You Can Dictate What’s True For You

“You can’t dictate to a woman what should make her feel sexy. These are just the things that are true for me. You have to find what’s true for you.”

Each person is going to feel confident in their own ways. Every person is capable of making decisions for themselves, of dictating what their pleasures and guilts are, so there’s no reason in telling someone what is right or wrong – because it’s different for every single person.

This year will probably be the year of “finding what’s true for me.” I’ve developed a pretty good idea over the past few years, but I haven’t truly accepted it within myself and found the confidence to be, speak, and express that truth outwardly as much as I’d like.

In hindsight, it’s not surprising that I find a glamorous burlesque dancer like Dita von Teese as a momentary role model of sorts, because she is someone who is extremely comfortable in her own skin and in openly speaking her truth and being honest about herself.

If we took a moment to truly be honest to ourselves, what’s true for each of us? Are we willing to embrace that truth in all facets of our being?

(5.) Break the Rules – Make Your Own Mark

“Any kind of censorship, it makes you find new ways to get around it. I like trying to get around the rules, and sometimes you arrive at something really cool.

“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.”

You are who you are – and there will always be someone who loves you for it and someone who hates you for it.

This is one of the hardest things for me to really take to heart right now, because I have for a long time been someone who doesn’t like to make ripples; who doesn’t like to cause a scene; who doesn’t like to be seen.

Yet, as I gain more courage in pursuing a life that I actually want to live, I’m realizing that I will need to learn to be okay with the fact that some people will like me and some people won’t.

I can’t please everyone, and by pleasing everyone I can please no-one – not even myself.

And if the life I want to live means breaking a few rules, so be it. Especially if those rules are rules that were made up in my own head, or installed into my beliefs from society.

Dita von Teese holds herself with an unmistakable poise and presence. She is unapologetically herself at all times. She’s not afraid to be elegant, powerful, nor is she afraid to forge her own path by being different.

… But why? A burlesque dancer as a role model?

A part of me wants to justify and explain why I, as a guy, would want a role model that is a burlesque dancer. As if I have to defend myself for that. Why?

Why do I do that? I know most of it’s in my head: it’s probably not as big of a deal as my mind wants to make it.

Who cares if it’s different? Who cares if it’s “wrong”? Who cares if something isn’t politically correct? Who cares if it goes against the norm?

So, maybe that’s why. She’s offered some inspiration and I’ve decided to translate it into what’s relevant for me. I don’t need to feel the need to defend myself for being inspired by someone.

I can be me and I can be awesome without taking away from you and your awesome.

And maybe that’s why I feel compelled to do or share some of my “weird” things about myself, because I’m trying to find the courage to embrace that for myself first. And the more awesome people there are in the world, the more courageous others might become in embracing THEIR awesome.

But I first have to start by embracing my own awesome-self in an unapologetic manner.

Sure, I’m not a glamorous burlesque dancer that wears lingerie underneath everything every day. But that doesn’t mean I still can’t garner something valuable out of who she is and what she stands for.

There’s value to be had everywhere, if we’re willing to look past some of our differences and the things that make each of us unique.

Are you willing to accept value and inspiration from otherwise unconventional places and incorporate it into your life?

Every year I do an exercise I discovered through Brian Johnson of Philosopher’s Notes. (And I’ll share my 2018 results if you’re so curious!)

The exercise, 100 Questions by Leonardo Davinci is designed to get you to think about the questions that are most important to you in your life (at this moment). If you want to skip reading and just get it in video/audio format, check out Brian’s video: xDa Vinci & 100 Questions

Most often, we’re always looking for answers to our problems, but focusing exclusively on the problems can help you to dictate common themes among the very things you’re curious about.

I’ve been doing this exercise for the past 3 years, starting in 2015 and this exercise is one of my favorite “personal development” exercises to do as I’m beginning a new year, or looking for a reset half-way through.

The 100 Questions Exercise

To do the 100 Questions exercise, all you have to do is:

Sit yourself down somewhere quiet with a pen and paper, no distractions, and about an hour of your time..

Write down 100 questions that you’re curious about.

Find the common themes among your 100 questions.

Pick 10 of the most important questions.

Rank those 10 from most important to least important.

On the surface, it looks really basic, but doing this exercise and allowing yourself to really dig in can help you yield some really important discoveries for yourself – or at least get the very things you’re curious about down on paper, which can help your brain to subconsciously start looking for answers.

Once you’ve found yourself an hour of time to be undisturbed, start writing down any question that comes to mind that you’re curious about. It could be anything you’re curious about, from “why is the sky blue” to “what’s the meaning of life?”

You’ll probably find that the first 20 or 30 comes pretty quickly, but the further down the list, the harder it will be to come up with questions. And that’s okay! The harder it gets, the more important it is to stick with it until the end, because this is where some of the deepest questions will surface.

Once you have your 100 questions (sometimes I end up going a few past if I get into a flow or chain of thought near the end), look over your questions and think of some common themes or threads among them. For example, are a lot of them related to money? Career? Travel? Making an impact? Finding friends? Big changes? It’s up to you if you want to write down these for yourself later, but I usually just stick to the next part:

Next, you’ll go through your entire list and pick out 10 questions that are most important for you. This is harder than it sounds. What I end up doing is circling the numbers of all the questions that are still the most important to me, but I end up with 50+ circled that I think are “important.”

For me, I find it easier to type these circled questions up in a word document and then manually start rearranging and removing questions until I narrow it down to my top 10. However you go about narrowing your list down is up to you, as long as you have ten-ish at the end.

Once you have your ten, arrange them from most important to least important.

And now you have your Top 10 Questions of the Year.

Sometimes my questions will be so relevant that I find it beneficial to squish them together for a better question, or tag two very similar questions into one.

I’ve found that my direction for the year is almost paralleled by the questions and themes from doing this exercise. This exercise gets the questions that you’re subconsciously thinking about down on paper and can even help to get your mind oriented towards finding solutions and answers to them as you go about your year.

Each time I look back through the year, I can see various steps of progress that are directly related to the questions I asked in the beginning.

I went a small step forward and printed out my questions and posted them somewhere I could reference often, like my wall, in one of my binders, and somewhere on my website.

//

My Top 10 Questions of 2018

If you’re curious about the questions I asked myself at the end of 2017 to preface the new year, or you’re looking for some starting inspiration, here are the 10 I narrowed my 100 down into:

How do I live a life filled with more fun, joy, and love? What do I feel called to do to bring it into my life?

Have I listened to the heart today? Am I following my intuition before the advice of others?

If I only completed 1 thing this year, what would make me the happiest? (This was my #1 question last year and what I feel is one of most powerful questions I’ve found in the 3 years of doing this exercise.)

Who do I need to become to realize everything I dream?

What will I do to embrace a life of courage?

What is something about myself that I don’t like … that I could just let go of? What fear or limitation is holding me back that might be imaginary?

When am I most at peace or confident? What’s my environment like? What am I doing?

Who do I envy/admire and why?

What “style” do I want to cultivate for myself, including my attire, interior design, online presence, etc.?

What can I do to become financially independent? How much is needed to live comfortably with my goals?

Some of these questions are similar to the questions I asked last year, but that means they’re still relevant. Common themes that seem to be on the forefront of my focus (and subconscious) revolve largely around figuring out how to be financially independent, how to live a meaningful/impactful/productive life, how to be courageous, how to “embrace the weird,” and personal growth.

One of the messages that has been coming up a lot has been this urge to “clean.”

From physical to mental to digital.

My mind and heart is just itching to not be “icky.” Whether that’s just-waking-up-grossness or a messy room or a mile-long list of tabs and “to dos” to catch up on.

Getting rid of that clutter and junk out of my mind, my environment, and my digital environment makes a huge difference.

I like my environment to be orderly and neat, but it doesn’t need to be perfect (even if it would be awesome if I could get it to that point – I’m happy with “good enough”).

Especially after watching Jordan B. Peterson’s shorts and lectures on the importance of “cleaning your room,” and similar concepts around making your bed, etc., I’ve found a substantial shift in the way my mind works when it comes to clutter.

It just hates it. My whole body just feels off when things are in a state of disarray. I go through these cycles of massively cleaning everything and then letting things gradually pile up over time.

I’m getting better at putting things away and taking care of small things in THAT moment rather than postponing it for a later time. But the piles of physical clutter and digital obligations continue to pile up over time. And often I need to do a big purge. And it’s almost stupid how quickly it gets done yet how big of a mental relief it gives me.

The digital cleaning takes the longest, surprisingly (or not).

So I’m gradually learning the importance of keeping things clean. Not only does it make my physical and virtual spaces more usable, but it keeps the mind clutter free as well. That time when I started unsubbing people on YouTube and Facebook, the “pull” to be on those platforms decreased quite a bit. There’s still some deep-dive cleaning I need to do on my computers; countless bookmarks, digital obligations I’ve set for myself, and other little online projects left hanging in an infinitely open loop.

But my mind and now my heart likes clean, so I will do everything I can to keep cleaning, because it’s an ongoing thing and I’m learning to accept that it’ll be something I do forever. If I fail to do it, then the piles of junk and mental pressure will just keep building until I collapse.

Today was the first time I had ever really woken up and went straight to meditation. Not only that, but I went about an hour with relative ease compared to most of my attempts up to this point. Normally when I wake up, I need to fiddle around on the phone or computer, or walk around, or watch something on YouTube before pulling myself away and sitting down for some time in meditation.

But not today. Granted, I did scroll a bit through Facebook, but even that lasted drastically shorter than usual. It was just enough to get my eyes working and my brain’s gears spinning. But it was almost as if the meditation was calling me to go sit, rather than feeling like it was something I “had’ to do.

The first thirty minutes were rough. My mind was all over the place. And like every time I meditate for a short period of time, I feel like I’m not getting any value out of it. But for the days that I do sit with it long enough, there’s like a threshold that I seem to hit at a certain point. It’s not always the same, but it’s around the thirty minute mark, plus or minus.

Whether it’s something I’m doing that helps initiate it (like focusing on my breaths, consciously orienting myself towards the heart, etc), or if it just happens naturally… I’m not really sure. I think it’s a combination of the two that can impact when I hit that threshold.

I remember trying to find some sort of solution or answer to something. Maybe that’s a sign I wasn’t even using meditation right for me: that I was trying to find a solution before I had even asked a question.

Although true, my Glimmering Butterfly Project has been revolving around following the heart, but sometimes the heart speaks so softly that it’s hard to hear what it’s trying to say over the idle chatter of my mind.

So sometimes I’m finding that I have to be really intentional about the questions I’m asking, how I’m asking them, and being very careful to actually listen and feel what it’s trying to say.

Since I failed to actually write this immediately after I did my meditation, both the question and the answer feel pretty fuzzy to me. I know they were important, but also not necessarily “new” to me, but it’s always good to hear and feel the same message multiple times.

I vaguely remember it being something about how to operate from the heart – because as my last post shared, I haven’t really been on top of my meditations and Kylegos (doing them in the morning as soon as possible).

But once I hit that threshold… That big takeaway that I got from asking that question was completely overshadowed by something else.

The big takeaway was no takeaway at all. It wasn’t the answer I got.

Instead…

It was the feeling I had once I got past those thirty minutes. I just felt calm. I’ve written about it before and here I was experiencing it all over again. It’s one thing to “know,” and another thing to feel. And it seems as though I need to reset myself and get to that feeling once again, every day. Hopefully the gap between a frantic mind and a calm mind gets smaller and smaller with continued practice.

My big takeaway then wasn’t so much that I got the answer to a question or a direction that I wanted to move in… But rather the feeling of calmness allowed me to feel like ME with no strings attached to other people. Normally, my default mind likes to think about what other people are thinking (about me, what I have to say, what I’m typing, etc.).

But by going that far into the meditation and just being with it, it was like choppy waters from a storm (my chattering mind) started to calm down. The storm had passed by simply relaxing in the boat and waiting it out. Sure, I had to use a bucket to pour some of the gathering water out of the boat from time to time, but eventually the storm passed…

And everything got calm.

The pressure and intensity of my own mind, of all the “voices” I constantly imagine people having around me (or thinking about me), suddenly got quiet and distant. Sure, they were still there, but it was like I had moved myself into a different room down the hall from a party I was attending.

I could still hear some of it, but it was dulled and far enough away that I could focus on what was happening in MY room. Just me, by myself. Quiet.

I could think, I could see, I could feel. And once again, it no longer felt like I had to entertain so many different ideas and thoughts and fears. I could just be with myself and get my own answers.

Like a blindfold lifted, I could actually look around and realize where I was, instead of trying to figure out where I was in my head.

I could feel this warmth and confidence that I could just do whatever I wanted. And coincidentally, that was the actual answer I was looking for when I started to shift over that threshold: how do I be myself, how do I connect to myself and operate from the heart (or something like that)?

The answer wasn’t a specific strategy, a specific thing for me to do, or anything like that. The only thing I had to “do” was be in THIS state as often as possible.

Because in this state, I can be calm, I can be collected, I can be confident … I can be ME.

And ME is a blank canvas.

//

Side note that I realized today… I’m feeling a little more collected and calm with my voice than usual. Now this has only really been noticeable in a couple of one-on-one situations and mostly when I’m by myself doing Kylegos, but I think the Kylego exercises are helping me to also become more aware of my own voice habits and allow me to consciously try to improve my speaking habits by slowing down and articulating better.