Some Arizona State Kid Is Advertising His Finals Week Drug Deals Via Twitter, Is Probably Actually A Cop

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It’s Finals Week across the country, and that means the Adderall and Vyvanse markets are booming. Students who spent all semester skipping class, drinking themselves to a BAC higher than the absolute best GPA that is now mathematically possible for them to achieve, and just good old-fashioned not paying attention in class, are desperate for the smart pills.

One person with an excess of ADD meds has taken to advertising this fact, and their availability on Twitter. The “dealer” submitted an anonymous post to @ASU_Uncensored claiming that he’s got educational enhancers for anyone who needs them. He even added a little tag line at the beginning.

“Finals are a bitch.”

So succinct. So relatable. I bet this guy’s a marketing major. Or, you know, a cop.

"finals are a bitch, if anyone needs reasonable priced addies/vyvanse lemme help some fellow crammers out. fav and ill follow."

My first thought is that this whole thing is sketchy as hell. Obvious, I know. Here’s some advice, kids: never attempt to acquire drugs via an anonymous person on the internet. Your best case scenario is that it ends with a successful exchange, but an extremely creepy interaction. The worst case is that it’s actually a cop you get molested and murdered. When an arrest isn’t the worst possible outcome for buying minor drugs, you should probably avoid that interaction altogether.

My second thought is that there’s at least a 50% chance this is some worthless Tempe cop trolling ASU kids for easy busts. Who has Adderall and Vyvanse? I’m not buying it (metaphorically), and ASU students shouldn’t buy it (literally). Pretty much any student who has actual friends should know someone with ADD meds they’re willing to sell, and thus do not need to resort to getting in touch with some creep on Twitter. Conversely, anyone with ADD meds should know at least 15 people who would be willing to buy. I say this from experiencing the latter for five years of school. Word of mouth had all my Adderall sold within like two days. The person selling is either a creep, a cop, or a collector of human skin. Stay away.

If this is an actual person selling meds via Twitter, they might want to reevaluate their decision making abilities. They have ADD, so maybe they simply weren’t paying attention to what a horrible decision they were making. Take your own medication before you start selling it.

Rob Fox (né Bacon) is Director of Video Content and a Senior Writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He is a graduate, without honors, from the University of Missouri. His fake best-selling novel series, The Frat Romance Novel, has been self-described as a "pioneering achievement in satirical erotica." Rob is originally from St. Louis, and currently lives in Austin, Texas. He still has not admitted to his family what he does for a living, and is prone to having wet nightmares ever since losing his virginity in a haunted house. Email: rob@grandex.co