EEN SOVIET RUSSIA, CAR PORNS YOU

This is the first full-length trailer for Black Lightning, which has way less black people in it than Black Dynamite. Produced by Wanted‘s Timur Blackmambatov and directed by Alexandr Voitinsky and Dmitriy Kiselev, it looks pretty good for a reported $8 million budget. The trailer is in Russian without subtitles, but from the looks of it, the plot’s pretty close to Transformers. The main guy, we’ll call him Shia LaBovnik, sees a hot girl. Naturally, he wants to impress her by having an awesome car, but his dad buys him old sh-tbox instead, probably because he’s poor. Luckily, the sh-tbox turns out to be magic, and when the fight between good and evil comes to Earth, the hottie will be glad she chose the doofus with the magic sh-tbox and not the first greasy stud to roll down her block in an IROC like my mom did. Then there’s a lot of flying and magic and yelling and explosions. And as the trailer ended, Michael Bay stood up to give an impassioned speech about how if he can change, and you can change, we all can change, and then he pulled up Megan Fox’s skirt to flash everybody and everyone cheered.

I don’t know what “ning” is, but I don’t think it’ll look as cool as my Zepplin posters.

By: Jirish

10.19.2009 @ 4:00 PM

The hegh’bat is the Klingon ritual suicide. Tradition dictates that a close friend, or eldest son must assist. That person’s role is to hand the dying Klingon a knife so that he can plunge it into his heart. The helper then removes it and then wipes the blood off on their sleeve.

Is that a euphemism for having sex with a first-timer?

By: ChinoMoreno

10.19.2009 @ 4:04 PM

*Kanye grabs Klingon’s knife*

I’m gonna let you finish but didn’t you see me do this better in the last thread?

*gives knife back, shuffles off*

By: Jacktion!

10.19.2009 @ 4:05 PM

This movie wanted to be called Supervolt. Black Lightning was Aquaman’s idea.

By: Burnsy

10.19.2009 @ 4:06 PM

The swimming pool is the safest place to be when black lightning strikes.

By: Burnsy

10.19.2009 @ 4:07 PM

Fuck, sorry Spaz.

By: Donkey Hodey

10.19.2009 @ 4:10 PM

Lightning is damaging to all electronics, but black lightning is especially good at disabling car alarms and security cameras.

By: ChinoMoreno

10.19.2009 @ 4:11 PM

Black lightning strikes the Moneytree every Thursday when it gets it’s check.

By: Donkey Hodey

10.19.2009 @ 4:16 PM

Colleges have taken to photoshopping black lightning into their meteorology program brochures to showcase their diversity.

By: El Topo

10.19.2009 @ 4:19 PM

Black Lightning was to blame for the Watts fires.

By: spazmodic

10.19.2009 @ 4:20 PM

Black lightning, if harnessed, is a tremendous source of black power.

By: Shop 101

10.19.2009 @ 4:20 PM

Black lightning stole Ben Franklin’s kite.

By: spazmodic

10.19.2009 @ 4:21 PM

‘sokay, Burnsy.

Black lightning has a massive charge build-up and is praying for release.

By: spazmodic

10.19.2009 @ 4:22 PM

Unlike black lightning, I gotta go to work now.

By: ChinoMoreno

10.19.2009 @ 4:25 PM

The safest place to be during a black lightning storm is at your local child support services office.

By: ChinoMoreno

10.19.2009 @ 4:26 PM

New Up!

By: Charlie Br0nze

10.19.2009 @ 4:31 PM

You guys are incorrigible. Are Burt Reynolds’ 70’s sideburns gonna be in this?

By: Jacktion!

10.19.2009 @ 11:26 PM

What’s the difference between DC superheroes Batman and Black Lightning?

Batman can go out at night without Robbin.

By: spazmodic

10.20.2009 @ 12:21 AM

I’m going to submit a revision, just for the hell of it (and still fuck it up):

Black lightning occurs when a positive charge has no chance of release.