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25 September 2012

the undergrowth

I would be lying to you if I pretended to be perky or whatever, in reality I am in a formerly-terrible state, currently-not-good-state, but I am getting better, so I will be better soon. Mostly I spend my time working and watching Breaking Bad and sleeping, and staying up to the point of exhaustion so I'm not kept awake by my own duress. But I'm going to be fine. Some days are harder than others, you just have to fight through them and acknowledge you aren't okay and that you can't help not being okay, and acknowledge it can't last forever. Because it can't, because I've been here before, and I haven't been here for a long time, so hopefully when it's passed I won't be in it again for a long while. So I'm taking it one step at a time. This is what I'm occupying my time with. And then this. And then this. Every breath means I'm still here. So there's that.

Anyway, to distract myself in the long periods of time I spend on the computer for work, avoiding most of the internet (because I am quite certain I feel so terrible because of internet things) I went fake shopping. Not for anything in particular, really, just instinctual things that make me happy, or if not exactly happy, then comforted, because they remind me of home, because they remind me of familiar things, like the overstuffed clawed Victorian chair in my bedroom my mom reupholstered to a blue fabric similar to that Topshop dress (which is very similar to the more expensive Kenzo dress I adore, but will never be able to afford). And the gaudy oversized jewelry, reminiscent of my grandmother and also my mother's tacky costume jewelry that I can't help but love. I don't believe in guilty pleasures. It's alright if it's fake if it's sincere in its own way, an honest commitment to gauche. And the sequin jacket, well, sometimes you have to force yourself to overdress to sew yourself back together, to remind yourself you don't actually have to wear the same pajamas for 4 days in a row. It's kind of sartorial, therapeutic bootcamp. And nothing says "Damn you, you are going to be okay if I have to drag you out of bed myself" than sequins. And well, I just like wedges the best out of all possible shoes. So.

I hope you are well and safe and whole, and I will feel better, so please don't worry too much about me if you have been worried. I will be o.k, I know it.

It's good to know that you're still here. When I'm depressed I like to think of the letter Stephen Fry wrote back to a depressed fan (http://mindovermatterzine.tumblr.com/post/14684180745/a-letter-written-by-mr-stephen-fry-to-a-girl). Time will pass. It has to get better some day. Take care. *hugs*

well, the collage sure is pretty and I'd love to prance around in all those things in a pretty forest or city somewhere...but your text is... less happy. i think you're smart to at least distract your mind with images you like and an engaging narrative (breaking bad I mean). all i can really do when i'm down isn't change my sad thoughts but distract them with sensory niceness.

You sound way too much like me right now. Everything I seem to say or think doesn't feel quite...natural right now and I just wanna go hide in a cocoon of soft pillows with a huge jar of nutella and Miyazaki films or something. Here's hoping you and I will feel much better soon :)

I'm kinda with you on the whole "overdressing to feel better" bit. If you happen to glance at yourself in your bedroom mirror or whatever, it's pretty hard to feel down when GLITTER! and SEQUINS! are shining all over the place. It's like wearing five hundred tiny, tiny, happy-mirrors.

And you might've heard all this before, but just ride this wave out, dude. It'll get better soon.

I was feeling a little/a lot blah and I wrote something in my journal about wearing these beautifully flamboyant outfits and covering myself in sequins as a sort of armor.

Because even though it's not much, on days when I don't feel like facing the world it's nice to have a beautiful outfit that not only protects you but also feels like something I'm sharing with the world.

Hey Arabelle hope you feel better. I'm as sure as you are that you'll get through this (': I know you don't want people to contact you on tumblr but I had a question about your zine. I just wanted permission from you before I fanmail your zine account so I don't get blocked... and if you'd rather me wait until you open up messages again my question can wait. Thanks so much for being honest in everything I've seen from you.

I've been checking up on your blog every day for the past two weeks... Nothing. I don't want to be one of "those people" pestering you to post again (I hate myself writing this just a bit), but I want you to know that I'm looking forward to your next post -whenever that may be. Seriously, take your time :)In the mean time I stalked your youtube a wee bit. I hope you don't mind *creepy stare*

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About Me

Hi! I'm Arabelle Sicardi. 21 yr old goat with great ambitions. I'm queer and Taiwanese American. I am obsessed with the following: cyborgs, bad Prada jokes, feminist makeup theory, and myself. Sometimes I get to write, style for, and otherwise #impact magazines and brands of note. This blog is my notebook on narcissism.

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For my disclaimer, disclosure and privacy policy, please click here. If you would like to use my photographs for non-commercial usage please link back to me with credit. Items with an asterisk indicate products sent for editorial consideration. Sponsored posts and content are always indicated as such. This blog utilized affiliate links but they do not inform my opinion on products I wear or recommend.