Tuesday, December 31, 2013

The
quest for a less significant self is an annual thing. It’s a traditional
resolution. No matter how many, or how noble, no list of resolutions is
complete without including weight loss. The old, "I’m going on a
diet," resolution used to suffice. The resolution was kept until
starvation set in on the 2nd of January, at which point all resolving parties
were satisfied they had done their part. Not so anymore. Just resolving to go
on a diet isn’t enough. Gone are the days of the simple, “lose a few pounds”
routine. Now, it must be coupled with, “and shape up.” This has all come about
because of numerous annoying studies
that link exercise with efficient and permanent weight loss.

It
makes sense. And to be honest, the only person I have met that exercise didn't
help is myself. Last year I started out like gangbusters on an exercise program
and actually gained weight. After gaining several pounds I determined what the
problem was: replacing all the liquids and salt lost through perspiration by
slamming down a few beers and scarfing down a couple bags of chips following
each exercise session.Community
gyms and health clubs are available everywhere. Unfortunately, those places are
haunted by folks that don't need the diet or any additional workout. This
creates an uncomfortable situation for those of us that need to get into better
shape before we would feel comfortable about going someplace to get into better
shape. All of us have an inner fear that we might, say for instance, be
trudging along vigorously on a treadmill, when the workout junkie next to us
breaks into a rousing chorus of the old Jell-O theme song. "Hey! See them
jiggle... Hey! Watch them wiggle..."

Are you licensed to run that thing?

It
is that fear which has opened the door for the creation of an entire industry:
the manufacture and sales of exercise gadgets designed to be used in the
privacy of your own home.

There
must be twice as many exercise gadgets and doo-dads as there are diets to match
them up with for the supreme weight loss program. Every piece of exercise
equipment has its drawbacks.

The
old standby, the treadmill, is probably the singularly most common piece of
flab fighting machinery. Easily half the homes, and fully 95% of all garage
sales in America have at least one treadmill. They are sort of a rite of passage
in the progression through exercise equipment. It wouldn't surprise me to
discover that the high-end exercise equipment dealers require a sworn affidavit
attesting to the fact that you have done your time on a treadmill before
allowing the purchase of their better equipment.

“I’m
sorry buddy, but I can’t let you buy this Deluxe Abdominator Pec-Popper unless
you've put in at least 500 hours on a treadmill. Hey, it’s an industry regulation.”The
major problem with the traditional treadmills is boredom. Even worse than that,
treadmills are a threat to the mental health of the family dog. While down on
the treadmill, grinding out your miles, poor Phydeaux is at a loss. The boss is
going through all the motions of a cherished pastime, but nothing's happening. This
is very disconcerting for a dog.

Since
there is little to be done to make walking in place more exciting, treadmills now
offer all sorts of interesting frills. You can now purchase treadmills that
count the distance, calculate calories burned, provide metabolism ratings,
track the time, measure the speed, monitor heart rate, and provide an in-depth
astrological evaluation for use in planning your financial portfolio.

Yeah, sure. Like she needs to lose weight!

In
the event you want to work your arms and legs while straining your back at the
same time, a rowing machine is the device of choice. Many of the finer models
offer the option of an attachable bench so the rowing machine can be turned on
end to provide a "complete gym" with bench presses, curls, dead lifts
and other weightlifting routines. Unless you’re taller than fifteen inches.

A
more recent exercise program involves stepping up on a platform in an aerobic
routine. The platform is sold in a package with an instructional video that
always stars some vacantly happy bimbo named Bambi, or Trixy, or Bubbles. “Here
we go now! Up and step and back and switch and side and step and faster now... Up
and step and back and switch and side and step and…” They maintain this cadence
as if there is some outside chance that a normal human being could actually
keep up.Finally,
after years of experimentation, I have come up with the perfect exercise program.
Three times a week, I take all our various exercise equipment purchased over
the years from out of the closets and under the beds, and set it all up. I then
take it all down and store it again. This provides a rigorous 45 minute
workout, during which my target heart rate is hit and maintained for twenty
minutes, and every muscle group in my body is utilized. What more could one
want?