Saturday, January 07, 2006

SOMEBODY had to write this, and it might as well be me. I haven't seen "Brokeback Mountain," nor do I have any intention of seeing it. In fact, cowboys would have to lasso me, drag me into the theater and tie me to the seat, and even then I would make every effort to close my eyes and cover my ears.

And I love gay people. Hey, I've got gay acquaintances. Good acquaintances, who know they can call me anytime if they had my phone number. I'm for gay marriage, gay divorce, gay this and gay that. I just don't want to watch two straight men, alone on the prairie, fall in love and kiss and hug and hold hands and whatnot. That's all.

Is that so terrible? Does that mean I'm homophobic? And if I am, well, then that's too bad. Because you can call me any name you want, but I'm still not going to that movie.

To my surprise, I have some straight friends who've not only seen the movie but liked it. "One of the best love stories ever," one gushed. Another went on, "Oh, my God, you completely forget that it's two men. You in particular will love it."

"Why me?"

"You just will, trust me."

But I don't trust him. If two cowboys, male icons who are 100 percent all-man, can succumb, what chance to do I have, half- to a quarter of a man, depending on whom I'm with at the time?

I'm a very susceptible person, easily influenced, a natural-born follower with no sales-resistance. When I walk into a store, clerks wrestle one another trying to get to me first. My wife won't let me watch infomercials because of all the junk I've ordered that's now piled up in the garage. My medicine cabinet is filled with vitamins and bald cures.

So who's to say I won't become enamored with the whole gay business? Let's face it, there is some appeal there. I know I've always gotten along great with men. I never once paced in my room rehearsing what to say before asking a guy if he wanted to go to the movies. And I generally don't pay for men, which of course is their most appealing attribute.

And gay guys always seem like they're having a great time. At the Christmas party I went to, they were the only ones who sang. Boy that looked like fun. I would love to sing, but this weighty, self-conscious heterosexuality I'm saddled with won't permit it.

I just know if I saw that movie, the voice inside my head that delights in torturing me would have a field day. "You like those cowboys, don't you? They're kind of cute. Go ahead, admit it, they're cute. You can't fool me, gay man. Go ahead, stop fighting it. You're gay! You're gay!"

Friday, January 06, 2006

Are you my dog Are y

Are you my dog? Are you my dog? You my dog, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

My badIn the Rose Bowl Texas beat USC 41-38. Did you see that the opening coin toss by the Quaker Oats guy? Oh, sorry, it was former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor.

Hate to hear thatThe story is that Heisman trophy winner Reggie Bush is very upset about the loss; in fact, their hasn’t been a Bush this upset since Dick Cheney took away George W.’s television priveliges

Popped TrojansI haven’t seen USC alumni this upset since they reinstated the luxury tax on yachts.

USC alumni were so upset it put them right off of their Beluga caviar and Cristal champagne.

USC fans were mortified, but due to their Botox injections, nobody could tell.

USC students were so upset they skipped their lanyard-keychain-making class.

USC quarterback Matt Linehart was so upset that today in his ballroom dancing class, the girl had to lead.

USC students are so upset to mourn they’ve tied black cashmere sweaters around their polo shirts.

I haven’t seen Texas guys this happy since their girlfriends said they don’t have to go with them to watch “Brokeback Mountain.”

Quite a statementTo say that the Rose Bowl lived up to its hype is really saying something; it’s like saying Paris Hilton lives up to her skank.

Now that’s badBritney Spears hubby Kevin Federline’s rap single PopoZao is being called by critics the worst rap song ever; that’s like being called the worst hitter on the New York Mets, the most corrupt congressman or the only guy to strike out with Paris Hilton.

You can download Britney’s husband, K-Fed’s, Rap song, PopoZao, for 99 cents or you can make better use of the money and take a blow torch to 99 pennies and pour the red hot coins down your pants.

Britney Spears hubby Kevin Federline’s released a rap single called PopoZao; it is available to buy online for anyone and everyone who has absolutely no taste in music whatsoever.

Britney Spears hubby Kevin Federline’s rap single PopoZao is being called the worst rap song ever; can we please make it illegal for white guys to make rap albums? You don’t see black guys trying to become Polka singers.

I don’t want to say that Kevin Federline’s rap song, PopoZao, is awful, but to get it out of my head I had to listen to Regis Philbin’s Christmas CD.

Dabble dabble dooLindsay Lohan admitted to ‘Vanity Fair” that she has dabbled in drugs. Yeah, Lindsay dabbled in drugs like Japanese pearl divers dabble in water.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

We rockin a 2006 up

How wet and windy was it?It was so windy in Hollywood, in “Brokeback Mountain” even the straight cowboys were getting blown.

It has been raining so hard in California, today Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger actually had to learn how to pronounce the word: saturation.

It was so rainy in Los Angeles people were renting the movie “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo” hoping it would suck so much it would dry them off.

It has been so rainy in Hollywood, Lindsay Lohan crashed her motorboat on Sunset Blvd.

It has been so wet in Los Angeles, Phil Specter shot an actress with a spear gun.

It rained on the Rose Bowl parade for the first time in Fifty Years. It rained so hard fifty years ago Cher’s skin got pruney so she got her first botox injection.

It is so windy in Hollywood, two straight guys were blown into a movie theater showing “Pride and Prejudice.”

It was so windy in Hollywood, two straight guys were blown into a movie theater showing “Brokeback Mountain.”

Imagine?In the New England Patriot’s 28-26 loss to the Miami Dolphins, Doug Flutie kicked the first drop kick since 1941. Now I don’t want to say Flutie is old, but the guy who kicked the drop kick in 1941? Doug Flutie.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget itPresident Bush said that he was 100% right to wire tap; Bush went on the say that when he is 100% right, he is right nine out of ten times.

No ChanceRumor has it that Angelina Jolie is pregnant with Brad Pitt’s child; you have to feel sorry for that kid; no matter how good looking the kid is, people are going to ask; “What happened?” Not niceOn Feb 9th the Chinese New Year starts the year of the dog. And it is the special at the Beijing Sizzlers.

Now that he has a problem withLondon Millionaire Sharon Tendler married her pet dolphin, Cindy; President Bush had no problem with that marriage until he found out it was a same sex marriage.

Oliver StonedAfter the utter failure of “Alexander” the studio took an interesting marketing tact for Colin Ferrell’s latest historical epic “The New World.” Initially the title was going to be “The New Non-Gay World That Oliver Stone didn’t direct.”