Girl Meets Nerd: Game of Thrones Part One

My husband and I love Sunday night television. It’s such a great night for shows, and let’s be honest: TV shows nowadays are almost better than movies. If I were a struggling actor, I’d be on my agent’s ass to get me on TV and stat.

One of those great shows — that if you are not watching, SHAME ON YOU — is Game of Thrones. The third season just ended this weekend, and let me tell you, shit got real this year. In case you are a novice or are not sure what to expect with this show, I have a little recap of season three for you below.

SPOILER ALERT … You know the drill: Don’t read if you don’t want to know what happens. If you read and spoil it, then you don’t get to bitch, because you were warned.

Let’s start with the Starks, because god damn, it #%&@ing sucks to be a Stark right now.

SANSA – There’s an article online claiming that Daenerys Targaryen is the worst character on the show. I disagree, and feel the worst is Sansa. Not that she is super offensive by any means; she’s just useless and is a @#$%ing moron. She finally got out of having to marry that asexual psychopath Joffrey only to still end up marrying a Lannister. As creepy as Littlefinger is, he gave her an out (didn’t The Hound try to get her to leave with him last season?), though that out might not have been super ideal, it would’ve taken her away from Kings Landing. What does she do? @#%$ing sticks around and makes googly eyes at the gay hottie. I mean, let’s not deny all of us ladies have had a crush on a gay before and maybe didn’t know he was gay, but I mean COME ON! Dude (Loras) had his entire wedding already dreamed up. Instead she gets sided with having to marry Tyrion. Now, if I were to get stuck with a Lannister he’d be my top choice by far, so at least that’s one “good” thing to happen to her. Can good even be associated with Sansa? Methinks not. As my husband said last night after she received the one-two cunt punch that her brother and mother were both murdered: “She’s going to kill herself, right?” That might be the first thing he’s said that might actually be right. I imagine if Sansa were real and living today, she’d be writing in her journal listening to The Smiths on repeat.

ARYA–She spent all season hanging out with creepy old dudes. Hot Pie left her to stay behind and bake bread, Gendry left her (though not by choice…), everyone leaves Arya. Her therapy bill is going to be massive when all this shit is said and done. Girl has seen it all. Beheading of her dad: Saw it. Assassination of Robb’s dire wolf: Saw it. The Robb/Dire Wolf hybrid parade: Saw it. I could continue for sentences, but you get the gist.She also had her first legit kill. Her killing of that kid when evading the Lannisters in season one doesn’t really count. Last season she had the face changer kill for her. This time she took that dagger and went HAM on that dude who was smack talking her brother (R.I.P.).She’s angry, and on a journey somewhere with The Hound. I have no idea where her story is going, but she’s pissed.

ROBB– Robb spent all season ignoring Roose Bolton (that was a brilliant idea) and loving up his sexy-pregnant-now-dead-wife. He ended the season murdered at a wedding. To cap it all off, his human headless dead body was then paraded around town with the head of his murdered dire wolf (that was sooooo painful to watch) sewn onto his body. B-R-U-T-A-L.

CATELYN – Not a favorite character of mine, I will be honest, and she didn’t have much to do this season besides side eye Talisa (her daughter-in-law, who in real life is Charlie Chaplin’s granddaughter. FACT.) and be held in contempt by her own son. She seemed to think that Bran and the other one, who finally got to talk an episode ago, Rickon (thank god they sent him away, he was probably more useless than Sansa) were killed by Theon last season. Maybe I didn’t pay enough attention to her, but I don’t think I ever heard her mention Arya or Sansa, did she? What a hater. Anyhoo, I guessed Robb would bite it, I did not however see Catelyn being killed, and that did shock me big time. Though if she would’ve lived I think that scene would’ve been less impactful. (Oh god, that makes me sound a little pervy like Joffrey. Gross.)

BRAN– Bran actually became somewhat interesting this year. He is still being carted around by Hodor, who got to say “Hodor” so many times this season that it caused me to have numerous giggle fits. He sent Osha and his brother, Rickon aka dead weight, away so that he could find his destiny or something like that. This season he got a brother and sister as companions. The sister could probably win a rabbit skinning contest if you are up for the challenge and the brother is Sam from “Love Actually.” Sam (who will not be referred to by his GoT name) told and showed Bran that they are the same. They’re both wargs and can tap into an animal’s mind and control them. Bran being the one-upper that he is tapped into Hodor’s mind … boom! So now Bran is still chasing the three eyed raven or something, and is heading north of the wall to destroy the White Walkers. My one question with Bran and Jon Snow is, did either know they were both right there in the same spot during the Jon versus the Wildlings scene? I mean, it’s not like dire wolfs are just chilling all around the lands there. Bran’s season ended with him off to see the wizard, I mean White Walkers.

JON SNOW– “You know nothing, Jon Snow.” I swear they’re trying to make that a catch phrase kind of like Fetch, and Gretchen was told to stop trying to make Fetch happen, so Game of Thrones, take note. Plus, I feel that might be the only thing Ygritte says. That’s half her dialogue on this show. Jon Snow may not know anything, but this season he knew how to not get killed and — if I’m not mistaken — played the game a little, siding with the Wildlings to keep his ass alive. Jon even got a little something-something this season, holla! Jon ended the season back with his BFF Sam and the brothers of the Night Watch, but he learned never to break up with a girl, ever. Especially a ginger. Those bitches be crazy, shooting arrows at you and all.

Let’s end with two of my other favorite characters on this show, which has a cast of about 300,458,439,574,875,458…

BRIENNE– Oh, Brienne just spent this entire season being AWESOME. That fight on the bridge with Jamie was, in my opinion, when their relationship went to the next level. No, no sex, although, I won’t lie, I’d watch that. The fact that she’s not his sister, I mean, step up, right?! When I was in Chicago in April, my waitress at the Ralph Lauren bar (I’m so fancy you guys) looked just like Brienne of Tarth. I died a little inside from such a sight.

OLENNA TYRELL– This hot bitch. Where to begin? I feel the producers of this show were like, “look at the love the Dowager Countess receives on Downton Abbey. We must find our own sassy grandma!” And find one they did. Olenna Tyrell owned every scene she was in. My most fave was her sit-down with Tywin. I’m excited for more of that next season now that they are family and all.

Next week we will cover the Lannisters and the rest of the “others.”

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Kacie Baum is a professional partier, mother of two pugs, and the wife of Matt Baum. She tolerates the constant presence of the Two-Headed Nerd in her home each week. She did not write this bio. Pre-THN entries of Girl Meets Nerd can be found here.