3 Little Pigs....Italian style..

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick
pig and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said,
"I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said,
"Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig
let the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow
your house down." And he did !!!

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's
house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our
houses down!"

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said,
"I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and
the stick pig were
so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.

Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These
pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living
crap out of him, then one
of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the
wolf, then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those
guys?" they asked.

"Those were my cousins from New York... the Guinea Pigs"!!!

"I would be most content if my children grew up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough bookshelves." — Anna Quindlen

I don't want that much organization in my life..I don't want other people thinking for me...- Jimmy Buffett -

I really didn't want to do this, but, it's your fault.
A penguin's car broke down, so he had it towed to a mechanic. The mechanic needed an hour to determine the problem, so the Penguin went across the street to get some ice cream while he waited. Since penguins just have flippers and no hands, he got ice cream all over him.
After an hour, he returned to the garage. The mechanic said "It looks like you blew a seal"
"Oh no", said the penguin, "it's just ice cream".

A scientist cloned himself but the experiment created a duplicate who used very foul language. As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed it out the window, and it fell to its death. Later the scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

A ship carrying a cargo of red paint collided with a ship carrying a cargo of purple paint. Both crews were marooned.

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why?! I'm a fun guy!"

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?" The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So... the one flies over and the other one swims through -- which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets da woim."

A scientist cloned himself but the experiment created a duplicate who used very foul language. As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed it out the window, and it fell to its death. Later the scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

A ship carrying a cargo of red paint collided with a ship carrying a cargo of purple paint. Both crews were marooned.

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why?! I'm a fun guy!"

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?" The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So... the one flies over and the other one swims through -- which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets da woim."

The Reluctant Vet
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black lab, the lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. He challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

It was because previously to YOUR joke, we had a standard for jokes here. Admittedly it was quite low, probably immeasurable by modern science, but we had a standard. You flung down the bad joke/pun gauntlet with that one. En garde

It was because previously to YOUR joke, we had a standard for jokes here. Admittedly it was quite low, probably immeasurable by modern science, but we had a standard. You flung down the bad joke/pun gauntlet with that one. En garde