“The Apprentice L.A.”: Sell to live

Amazing, but true. The big reveal in last night’s episode: turns out Trump’s a Cylon.

For whatever reason, that didn’t surprise me as much as I thought it might.

I kid, of course. Trump’s no Cylon. Cylons are too smart to create robots as obviously artificial as Donald Trump.

And, perhaps as befitting an episode that was going up against the season finale of Battlestar Galactica, Sunday’s entry was a decidedly low-tech affair.

Nothing fancy. Few bells and whistles. (Aside, perhaps, from the rather unimpressive “AdWalk Technology” that enabled the contestants to process credit card payments ANYWHERE and tap computer screens on their chests … or, something. I wasn’t entirely clear.)

This was all about sales. Cut-throat, hate-your-neighbor, stab-your-buddy-in-the-throat-for-a-dollar sales. No customer cards. No honey-bee outfits. Just sell, baby.

To paraphrase Alec Baldwin: “First place is a beautiful helicopter ride. Second place is, ‘You’re fired!’ ”

Candidates fought it out to sell as much of … something (again, not entirely clear) … on the Universal Studios lot as they could, with bonus points awarded, apparently, for whomever could use the word “process” the most. (As in, “Through this entire process …”)

My favorite part of the show, as it turns out, was the part where Frank accidentally called the show a “competition,” then … robotically, almost … the talking points subroutine kicked in and he immediately corrected himself back to a “process.”

Hmmm … maybe that Cylon idea isn’t so half-baked, after all.

This week’s vital stats:

Teams recalibrated: At Trump’s insistence, Arrow — or, rather, team leader James — dispatched Nicole (Tim’s lady love) to Kinetic to balance teams out. This leads to major fireworks between Tim and Nicole, who feels Tim didn’t do enough to “fight for her.” I’d go into it more, but in candor the whole thing bores me.

Why James Ditched Nicole Instead Of, Say, A Hump Like Frank: James told the team he needed Frank’s “hands.” I have no idea what that means, even a little, but it was an endless source of amusement throughout the episode.

Project Managers: James (Arrow’s carry-over) vs. Angela (Kinetic)

That’s Just Sad Moment of the Week: At one point, Trump refers to his show as the “No. 1 show on television.” This led directly to the week’s most watchable moment as the candidates fought to decide whether to laugh or not.

The Task: As stated, both teams had to sell … I think memberships(?) of some kind to the people innocently showing up for a day of escape and fun at Universal Studios. Most sales in gross income wins.

Weirdest Place For A Business Meeting Ever: Arrow set up its brainstorming session around Frank’s bed in the mansion. I’m not kidding. And while the meeting was going on, Frank kept leaning back on his linens, taking lazy pulls from a beer bottle. Ladies, that one was for you …

Arrow’s Horrible Plan: Set up a very obvious kiosk right around the entranceway and pester the people until they coughed up a hundred (or so) bucks.

Kinetic’s Horrible Plan: Nicole pressed the idea that the four of them use their feminine charms, coupled with a sense of whimsy, by tooling around on roller skates. Angela — who I’m not sure if you heard or not, but she used to be an Olympic hockey player — of course had to like the plan.

Things Are Going Badly At Kinetic: The clunky AdWalker Technology (which bore a striking resemblance to the old Al Franken one-man mobile uplink unit from his “Saturday Night Live” days) went a long way toward covering up the team’s “feminine charms.”

Also? Arrow found it easy to poach their customers, since the customers didn’t know there were different teams, necessarily, and drifted over to the kiosk when the rollergirls were otherwise occupied.

Angela’s Boardroom Strategy: Blame Nicole for coming up with the rollerskates idea.

Everybody Else’s Strategy: Blame Angela.

Nicole’s Edge: Tim sneaks over and tells her, through the hedge, that James — who as the winning manager gets to sit in on the boardroom showdown — is going to grill her over the rollerskate thing.

Tim then lies to his teammates that he leaked this vital info, but they know. Oh, boy howdy, do they know. Frank is beside himself with rage. Really, I’m not kidding.

Pre-Boardroom Prediction: Angela’s in serious trouble, because — while Trump obviously has a massive crush on her (in a jock kinda way) — she’s the project manager with no one else obviously to blame (sted Nicole, who probably gets a pass because she’s new to the team). Plus, she just hasn’t been that strong a player, and Trump will probably feel she’s “let him down.”

Spouse’s Position: Concurrence.

The Showdown: In perhaps the lamest showdown yet, the candidates meekly lobby lame charges back and forth, with Angela getting the worst of it with damning charges such as “Since she was the project manager, I’d fire Angela.”

Angela meekly leads the charge against Nicole, only to find she’s alone. Trump also establishes Nicole’s bulletproof early by engaging in witty banter about her “relationship” with Tim.

Sensing she’s toast, Angela shrugs her shoulders and accepts her firing like a jock.

Prediction Record: I’m 8-2. Wife remains a perfect 10.

At the End of the Day Update (Yes, it’s back!): James drops one to increase the season total to 12.