Thomas McIntyre

Recently, there's been a disturbing trend in the world of car design. One that, in people world, would have SOMEONE getting charged with felony assault. The trend: slashing cars in the face, leaving them with permanent scars that will mar them for the rest of their lives. But who should we send to jail?

If I were less of a sensationalist, I'd just say that the cut lines of many modern hoods are poorly executed and detract from the overall design of the car. But I'm not, so I won't. I will say that designers and/or beancounters (something this ugly has to be cheap, right?) are whittling old toothbrushes into a fine point and shanking your new 3-series right in its moneymaker. Look at that horrible slash behind the roundel!

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And they got the 5-series, too! The horror!

What's most disturbing, however, is that I'm wrong (which I've never been before). This trend can't be cheap, and can't have been perpetrated by the beancounters. I would understand if the accountants said "Make as much of the front plastic as you can!" and the designer fought tooth, nail, and shank to save the front of your car. But that doesn't seem to be the case, because cheap cars are doing perfectly fine. Take, for example, this Honda Accord. This costs much less than a 5-series, and yet—as a result of good design—it has zero unnecessary slashes on its muzzle. Zero.

And Volkswagen, who've been on a "Cut all ze corners!" campaign still manages to make it work on their different body styles of beige.

So this trend must be attributed to the designer.

But lo! It doesn't appear to be the designer, either. Because look at this non-GLA/CLA Mercedes project, the lovely new S-Class. Only two tiny cutlines between the grille and the lights! As it should be! Well done, Mercedes.

But how did you manage to turn this uglier-but-slash-free old E-Class...

...into this, the new-but-unnecessarily-slashed E-Class? Why couldn't you do this one S-Class style?

And it's not a German thing. You can barely tell this S6 has an opening hood!

The Swedes seem divided. Dearly departed SAAB was doing it right before they went under.

But Volvo seems to be jumping on the Merc/BMW bandwagon (something they've been doing too much of lately).

So what the what is going on? Can anyone explain? Are Mercedes and BMW actually cutting corners more than Honda? (Who, by the way, recently made the 2012 Civic, so they can hardly be hailed for always keeping corners intact.) Or is this, as I now suspect, some elaborate early Halloween prank?

If you have a industry knowledge, please let me know. But if you have a vast, intricate conspiracy theory on how this disturbing new trend explains BOTH the Kennedy assassination AND the Denver Airport (and is naturally a result of the coming One World Government), I'd rather hear about that.