Interviewer: Today we have a special treat for our listeners. Right now in the studio we have a man claiming to be John Titor, time traveler. For those unfamiliar, John Titor is the name used by a man who posted on early internet bulletin boards around the year 2000, claiming to be a time traveler and making predictions about the future.. So John, why have you chosen to reveal yourself again, here at the beginning of 2017?

John Titor: I have just returned from the future of your timeline and felt I needed to warn the Nation that you must not Inaugurate Donald Trump as President this week.

Interviewer: I believe a great number of people feel that way, but do you have a particular reason?

John Titor: Yes. His disrespect for women will cause “pussy grabbing” to become a national pastime. He will pass what comes to be known as the “Prostitrumption” Act. This bill will force women to have sex and get pregnant in order to solve the Social Security Crisis.

Interviewer: That sounds incredible. Can you tell us more how this comes about?

John Titor: Yes. Currently the Social Security administration predicts that system will be bankrupt in 2034, largely because there are now only two workers per retiree paying into the system. Trump’s plan is to use a combination of borrowing and increased birth rate to create the number of tax payers needed to save the system. Trump will claim that elderly families, deprived of Social Security and Medicare, would go bankrupt and, “that would be wrong.” He will declare it to be a national crisis that demands a national solution.

Interviewer: a National Crisis?

John Titor: Yeah, Trump used that term often. In fact he will get into a protracted trademark battle over the term with the Democratic Party.

Interviewer: Surely there are protests and demonstrations against this new law?

John Titor: No, not initially. No one will realize it is coming. Trump will promise to publish the bill and then discuss it for months. Instead, the “Prostitrumption” act will be passed in the dead of night on Christmas Eve, 2017 through a budget reconciliation process. Trump will rely heavily on the precedents set by Obama and the ACA. He even told the public the problem was so urgent that they needed to “pass it so they could see what was in it.”

Interviewer: So what, exactly, is in it?

John Titor: The bill will set up government exchanges where all men and women can register and be matched with a daily sex partner, and be tested for pregnancy. The bill also nationally rescinds rape laws and outlaws contraceptives and abortion. If you don’t provide proof of daily sex, you pay a yearly fine of $400 or 1% of income, whichever was larger.

Interviewer: That’s horrendous to even contemplate. How will Trump even get this through congress?

John Titor Many congressmen will already secretly support it, though many will suspect Trump used NSA collected information to blackmail reluctant members of congress and the court.

Interviewer: Won’t people resist?

John Titor: Actually a lot of men, especially married men, are pretty excited by the idea. However, the law ultimately will never have more than a 40% approval rating. Trump will respond to his critics by saying “If the Federal government can make you purchase Health Insurance to keep you healthy, it can make you have sex so we have enough people to keep Social Security healthy“

Interviewer: So how is this daily sex verified?

John Titor: You must go to a federally approved center and be observed in the act. Though later, after years of website issues, you can use a webcam in your own home to allow the observation.

Interviewer: Isn’t that a huge invasion of privacy?!?

John Titor: Yes, that was a widely held opinion. But the current public accepts Nude scans by the TSA at airports. Most simply just accept “Prostitruption” as well, thinking that the “pendulum will swing back”, or that the checks and balances of the system will correct this.Interveiwer: Do they?

John Titor: No.

Interviewer: But how often a person has sex is certainly no one else’s business! Certainly not the government’s!

John Titor: I agree. Trump will claim that how one paid their medical bills once used to be no one else’s business as well, and that the public should embrace progress.

Interviewer: What happens once a woman becomes pregnant? Is she still required to have sex daily?

John Titor: If she provides proof of pregnancy the Tax she owes is pro-rated to just the period of the year where she is able to conceive. Mind, if a women fails to conceive after a year with the same person, she is forced to find a new partner or pay the tax – this will anger many who bought Trump’s initial assurances that “if liked your partner, you could keep your partner.”

Interviewer: So only women owed this tax?

John Titor: Actually that will be another huge point of contention. Those who oppose the law feel men are paying the tax unfairly, because they can’t avoid the tax by carrying a child to term. Trump tells them that anyone can avoid the tax simply by having daily sex at an exchange – which they shouldn’t mind as it is something that they probably wanted to do anyway. However, the public exchanges weren’t a real option. All exchanges will charge a mandated fee, ironically called a “premium”

Interviewer: So the exchanges will essentially be government sanctioned pimps?

John Titor: Yes. Only no one having sex gets any of the money. All of the money in a premium goes to the government or to the exchange. The “Prostitrumption” act will provide rebates via the tax system for those who prove to be low income, but those rebates will not even begin to cover the exchange Premiums and associated Deductibles.

Interviewer: Deductibles?

John Titor: Deductibles are to cover the extras - room décor, outfits, cleaning. Every exchange plan covers the pairing services, but the government allows exchanges to recoup some of their additional costs - to a point – by allowing them to charge a deductible to be reached before such services would be all inclusive.

Interviewer: So the poor …

John Titor: No, the poor won’t be able to afford to comply even with the help of the rebates. Most will end up paying the tax. Ultimately the public exchanges will fail, but I think it was mostly because the people who sign up for them are –well -- ugly.

Interviewer: Ugly? You must be joking…

John Titor: No. I am not joking. As public exchanges failed, Trump introduced a new fee to every premium to pay for Viagra and porn in order to help matters along.

Interviewer: They will force people to pay for porn?

John Titor: Many will complain that doing so is against their right of conscience, and that performance issues are a problem for an individual to solve. Trump justified it by saying, “If Obama can introduce a fee for contraception, then I can have a fee for porn and Viagra too. But hey, maybe if you ask nice I will give you an exemption if your particular sex exchange is church run. ”

Interviewer: So there will be church run sex exchanges? I can’t imagine any church doing so…

John Titor: No, of course not. Trump was referencing exempting the Catholic Nuns from the ACA contraception fee only if they got health insurance from a church run plan. There will be, of course, an explosion in private firms offering “exchange” services. Such firms will have fewer problems with VD, but as public “not-for-profit” exchanges fail, the private firm’s “premiums” will just skyrocket.

Interviewer: Amazing. What about women who are barren?

John Titor: The law will make no provision for personal characteristics, preferences or abilities. Trump pointed out that Millionaires who had no need of health insurance or those who preferred simple and cheaper catastrophic plans weren’t exempt from Obamacare and neither were the young who had little need of insurance. So the elderly, Lesbians, Homosexual Men, medical problems, cripples and so on were similarly not exempt- all had to pay the tax or find some way to comply with the daily sex mandate. Opponents of the law will become outraged when Trump starts issuing waivers to friends and family allowing them to avoid the law’s provisions.

Interviewer: Surely this will be contested in the courts?

John Titor: Yes, but the Supreme Court, now filled with Trump Appointees, and still led by Roberts, will uphold the law. Roberts believes he has a duty to interpret every law passed by congress as Constitutional if possible, even if must change the meaning of words, or the words themselves. Remember how a “penalty” in the ACA became a “Tax” in Constitutional terms, while remaining a penalty to pass other legal restrictions? Something similar occurred with the “Prostitrumption” act.

Interviewer: But the Constitution doesn’t contain anything that would allow the federal government to force people to have sex, much less collect fees for it!

John Titor: Yeah. Trump will agree that the Constitution doesn’t contain anything authorizing the Federal Government to coerce citizens into having sex, but that it also doesn’t authorize forcing them to buy a product either. If the ACA is constitutional, so is “Trumpstitution.” Like Obamacare, Robert’s found a way to make it so. Judge Robert’s decision argued that because orgasms were the “payout” for sex, they were income and therefore taxable.

Interviewer: But what about the American People? How can they accept such utter hogwash as legitimate judicial reasoning?

John Titor: Obama has already weaponized the Federal government through the IRS, EPA, NSA , DHS and other agencies, so the ability of the citizenry to resist will be limited. Trump will even make a point of using the IRS to deny tax status to women’s groups that trying to organize and fight the bill. Again Trump will cite the Obama administration’s actions against Tea Party groups as justification.

Interviewer: Still, surely, there will be people who refuse to comply!

John Titor: Yes. But unless they prove they have sex daily, they still owe the tax, which the IRS will collect using all of the means at their disposal. The easiest methods are simply deducting it from your refund, or having your employer garnish your wages. Failing that they take it directly from your bank account, finally simply sending a SWAT team to confiscate property directly if you have no money in a bank.

Interviewer: Didn’t anyone resist violently?

John Titor: I never saw any coverage of that in the Mainstream media. Occasionally I would see something on Facebook or YouTube, but it would be quickly taken down as “Fake news”

Interviewer: I don’t know what to say. I am totally shell shocked that such a thing could happen. You said that rape will become legal?

John Titor: Yes. A police report of the rape is considered proof of sex that day. However, Trump will be disappointed with the statistics on conception via rape. Turns out most American men are unwilling to rape women. Who knew? Trump will reinstitute Obama’s polices on immigration and a number of Islamic populations from Europe will flood across the border, fixing the statistic to Trump’s satisfaction. This will give rise to a case contending that rape by multiple parties should count towards proof of multiple days of sex, but the courts will find that multiple instances on the same day count as one day’s activity.

Interviewer: So did this all work? Will more babies born? Is Social Security saved.

John Titor: Oh sure. The birth rate will shoot up, and combined with unfettered immigration social security stays solvent. But the child care causes a new problem.

Interviewer: Child Care?

John Titor: Married couples will remain responsible for their own kids. Kids conceived to Unmarried Mothers will be eligible for welfare. This, of course, leads to rapidly rising costs, both public and private, for daycare and other child related expenses such as schooling. Trump will declare these rising costs to be a National Crisis and introduce the “Barefoot and in the Kitchen” act requiring women to stay home and care for their children. The new Muslim populations will heartily approve and sweep Trump into office for a second term. This in turn leads to the “Population Control Board” making a new rule that denies women the right to vote.

Interviewer: But the 19th Amendment guarantees that right.

John Titor. Yes it does, but the actual words of the Constitution really will not matter anymore. The Robert’s court, 7 of whom are men, uphold the rule with a three word opinion; “Bitches be Crazy.”

Interviewer: Doesn’t repeal of an amendment require a ¾ vote of the States?

John Titor: Sure. And the ACA was deemed a tax bill whose entire text originated in the Senate. The Constitution says that can’t happen either. The willingness of the population to accept these usurpations renders the Constitution meaningless.

Interviewer: So why are you coming here to reveal this information now, instead of time traveling to before the election?

John Titor: I can’t risk a President Hillary. Trust me, I experienced that timeline as well, and what she does is much worse than anything I just described.

I think the better lead in would be: "Hi, John. What brings you back to us? Reviews from the future still making the 'ol butthole throb since your last set of predictions were such a stupendous failure? You have a lot of redeeming to get to!"

"...because there are now only two workers per retiree paying into the system."?

Umm, try pretty much 1:1 future boy!

Everything that follows is fantastic parody! The ObamaCare template of the “Prostitrumption Act" and it's language, like: "if liked your partner, you could keep your partner"!

The funniest parts to me are:

John Titor: No, the poor won’t be able to afford to comply even with the help of the rebates. Most will end up paying the tax. Ultimately the public exchanges will fail, but I think it was mostly because the people who sign up for them are –well -- ugly.

Interviewer: Ugly? You must be joking…

John Titor: No. I am not joking. As public exchanges failed, Trump introduced a new fee to every premium to pay for Viagra and porn in order to help matters along.

Interviewer: They will force people to pay for porn?

John Titor: Many will complain that doing so is against their right of conscience, and that performance issues are a problem for an individual to solve. Trump justified it by saying, “If Obama can introduce a fee for contraception, then I can have a fee for porn and Viagra too. But hey, maybe if you ask nice I will give you an exemption if your particular sex exchange is church run. ”

Interviewer: So there will be church run sex exchanges? I can’t imagine any church doing so…

John Titor: No, of course not. Trump was referencing exempting the Catholic Nuns from the ACA conception fee only if they got health insurance from a church run plan. There will be, of course, an explosion in private firms offering “exchange” services. Such firms will have fewer problems with VD, but as public “not-for-profit” exchanges fail, the private firm’s “premiums” will just skyrocket.

And, of course the big finale!

Interviewer: So why are you coming here to reveal this information now, instead of time traveling to before the election?

John Titor: I can’t risk a President Hillary. Trust me, I experienced that timeline as well, and what she does is much worse than anything I just described.

I think the better lead in would be: "Hi, John. What brings you back to us? Reviews from the future still making the 'ol butthole throb since your last set of predictions were such a stupendous failure? You have a lot of redeeming to get to!"

John Titor would remind you that he comes from a different timeline where events happened differently, and he has no way of proving he is a time traveler because of it. . Timing in particular could change.. and who says there won't be a civil war and an Russian nuke attack? I mean it would only be a decade late.

I think the better lead in would be: "Hi, John. What brings you back to us? Reviews from the future still making the 'ol butthole throb since your last set of predictions were such a stupendous failure? You have a lot of redeeming to get to!"

John Titor would remind you that he comes from a different timeline where events happened differently, and he has no way of proving he is a time traveler because of it. . Timing in particular could change.. and who says there won't be a civil war and an Russian nuke attack? I mean it would only be a decade late.