Miami Dolphins at New York Jets Preview

The last time the Dolphins met the Jets, in Week 3, Reggie Bush had to leave the game with a knee injury, Derrelle Revis tore his ACL, Ryan Tannehill threw a back-breaking pick-6, and Dan Carpenter forgot how to kick field goals.The Jets won in OT 23-20.

The Jets love to talk shit. It's what they do. And even though they were able to squeeze out the win a few weeks ago, the fact remains that the Dolphins have their number. As bad as Miami has been in the last decade, they've excelled at keeping the Jets out of the playoffs a few times. And ain't nothing sweeter than shitting all over their hopes and dreams. Rex Ryan's record against Miami so poor, he hired Tony Sparano to be his offensive coordinator. We're not saying that's the reason he hired him. But it's the only logical conclusion we can come up with. Bottom line: fuck those guys. Silence them by playing better. Period.

2. LaMontelle Pussyhammer needs to bring THE HAMMER

The Dolphins, who started off the season crazy good in the running game, has since morphed into parakeet shit. In the last three games they've combined for 190 yards. LaMontelle has been very un-LaMontelle lately (17 yards on 12 carries against the Rams? The shit, LaMontelle?). A lot of that has to do with his injury, and a lot of that has to do with defenses clamping down on his nuts and forcing the Dolphins to throw. But now, the Fins face the Jets, who have seen their once mighty run defense turn into a big giant fart sound. The Jets are ranked 30th in defending against the run and are allowing 147.7 yards per game. With all the shit-talking being directed at Bush this week, the Jets are primed and ready for a good ole fashion tea-baggin. Pussyhammer style

3. Ryan Tannehill will need help from his suddenly amazeballs no-name receivers

The Jets love to blitz the shit out of opposing quarterbacks, and while Tannehill has been good against such defenses, New York was able to rattle him a little in their first meeting. This will be Ryan's first divisional road game, but he's got balls of titanium, so that shouldn't be much of a problem. Even without Revis, the Jets pass defense has been pretty solid. They gave Tom Brady all he could handle a week ago, and were able to hold down his best receiver Wes Welker to just six receptions.

Antonio Cromartie will likely be covering Brian Hartline this week. Hartline has had a solid season thus far, and there's no reason he shouldn't be able to shake the Baby Mama Maker for a bunch of catches and gains. Meanwhile, Davone Bess and Anthony Fasano will have to step up and be go-to guys for Tannehill, who will be facing a defense that loves to blitz and disguise their rush. While Bush needs to be the focal point of the offense, Tannehill will no doubt be called to make a few plays.

4. Dolphins run defense needs to keep punching dicks

No matter how stout an opposing team's running game is, when it's come against the Dolphins, it's morphed into turtledick. Paul Soliai and Randy Starks have been manimals all season, holding down running backs and eating their livers with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Now they'll be facing back Shonn Greene, who has been a pile of shit all season until recently when he started to be Good-Shit again. He ran for 161 yards against the Ravens but then was held down to just 50 yards last week against the Patriots.The good news for the Dolphins is that Jets center Nick Mangold has been limited in practice due to a bum ankle. Our guess: Against Miami's defense, we're gonna see Runny-Shit Green instead of Good-Shit Green.

5. Mark Sanchez needs to prepare his anus.

Crazy how much of a pass Sanchez has gotten in the media. He's been pretty awful. Sure, he's won some games, and the Jets were able to ride their once-great defense to two AFC championship games will keeping Nacho in a protective bubble, but those days are over now. Sanchez currently has a7 4.6 passer rating, which is atrocious. Sure, he threw for 328 yards last week against the Patriots, but that's because New England's secondary is a pile of ostrich shit. The Dolphins secondary is mostly shit too. Maybe not a pile of ostrich shit, but certainly a bucket of ostrich shit. They're currently ranked 28th in the NFL, giving up 248.8 yards per. Look for Sanchez to go to tight end Dustin Keller early and often in this one. Obviously, the pass defense will only be good as the pass rush. The Patriots were able to get to Sanchez last week, and even forced him to kick the football out of the end zone for a safety.

Cameron Wake needs to unleash his awesomeness all over Nacho on Sunday.

Prediction Machine* prediction: These two teams are so evenly matched in mediocrity, even Vegas has no clue what to make of it, so they made the Jets the 2-point favorite. That's probably based on the weather, New York's homefield advantage, and the Dolphins' kicker being slightly shittier than the Jets kicker. Jets 19 - Dolphins 14

*less of an actual machine than a really, really, ridiculously random guess