Monday, January 11, 2010

Press Release of the Day: Men, Here's How to Prevent Your Wife from Becoming a Granny Panties-Wearing Slob

Gentlemen, the fine fellas at Just Don't Wife Her (motto: "Helping good guys by exposing Gold Diggers and Users One at a Time!") have some shocking information for you : Once you finally "wife" a lady, she starts getting comfortable, thinks she can start lounging around in sweatpants, dye her hair any color she likes and, worst of all, throw away her lacy thongs in favor of hole-y granny panties.

Clearly these women don't understand the whole point of wifehood: That the whole point of their existence is to please you! To spend their days exercising and waxing and sitting around with foil in their hair to get it your exact favorite shade of blonde (or red or brunette; as a man, you are entitled to your preferences). All in little bits of lingerie with a strings of lace between their ass-cheeks.

It's time to put these sweatpants-wearing bitches in their place. Gently, of course, with positive reinforcement, like a pat on the ass. (Women really dig that.) But let them know you will not stand for "your perfect ten [turning] into a deuce piece, with two stomachs."

All the advice you will ever need to get the little woman back under your thumb after the jump:

So many of you have a beautiful girlfriend and then ... they get
comfortable. Countless women go from looking their best to looking just
like the rest. Fellas we know you can relate. Why does this happen?
What can guys do to keep their girlfriends, fiances and wives as pretty
as the day they met them?

Here are a few tips:

1)Women love compliments. If she asks you about a raggedy outfit. Be
honest. Once you start accepting granny panties and sweatshirts when
she is not working out, you will get this 24/7.

2)If she
wears something hot, let her know right then and there. Say something
like "You look great. Will you look this good for me every day?", then
you go ahead and throw in a kiss, a hug, a booty pat, a neck nuzzle
etc.. This way, you are warning her but you are not coming off as
harsh. But she will think about it before she throws a Tastykake in her
mouth.

3)Suggest that she wears your favorite outfit. Tell
her you really like the way she looks (whatever body part you love the
most). How hot she looks in it.

4)Hair is another issue. So
many times women will try to do something new like change their hair
without saying a word to you. Be vocal about how you like it. If you
love brunette and she goes blonde on you, be honest when she asks you
how you like it. We know, it sounds scary but what if she comes back
with her hair Hot Pink. What will you do then?

5)Keeping in
shape is another obstacle, especially after kids. Fellas, lets be
honest here. Sometimes you too let the fat kid win. [We have no idea what the hell this means] Encourage your mate
to work out by putting down the beer and working out with her. It works
a whole lot better than looking at her with your face set on disgusted.
Remember its not just your average girl it happens to the most
beautiful women in Hollywood as well. Right Jennifer? Okay, maybe she's
out looking for some underwear. We will let you know when she responds.
In the meantime...If you have any advice or stories of how your perfect
ten turned into a deuce piece, with two stomachs let us know.

Astute commenter "THEPOKER" responds: ALL CHICKS GET
COMFORTABLE AFTER THEY LOCK YOU DOWN WITH MARRIAGE...JUST THE FACTS OF
LIFE 1-FIND A FOOL TO TAKE CARE OF YOU 2-WORK HARD TO BUILD YOUR TRUST
3-THEN ONCE HE MARRY'S YOU GO BACK TO YOUR LAZY WAYS...TYPICAL

NB: It's probably a given that if you read Just Don't Wife Her, you're not in any dire need of these warnings because you are nowhere near
having a wife, let alone any meaningful interaction with a member of
the opposite sex beyond "Move your ass" to the female driver of the car
in front of you. Otherwise you would know women now wear yoga pants and pajama pants.