Supreme Court guidelines for natural sex

Considering today’s Supreme Court verdict on Section 377 that criminalizes “carnal acts against the order of nature”, there is a lot of confusion on what exactly is allowed and what is not. Here is a quick primer:

You can still marry kids, as long as they are not of the same sex.

Marital rape continues to be legal. It is a natural kind of sex for the kind of men our lawmakers make laws for, apparently.

You can continue to rape your child bride as long as she is not under 15 years of age (or you aren’t a woman).

You have to ignore personal freedoms guaranteed by the constitution whenever you feel the urge to have sex with someone who has a penis (if you have one) or who has a vagina (if you have one) and control your urge, or give in and report to the nearest police station for your crime.

Law must discriminate on the basis of gender when it comes to sex. The constitution does not matter.

Sex between a man and woman for procreation is natural.

If you are a woman and infertile, post-menopausal or on contraceptives, the sex will be illegal.

If you are a man, sex using condoms is not natural, or you’d have been born with one. Also avoid sex except for procreation anyway, which means you will likely get two months of sex in your whole life.

Oral sex is illegal. So is anal sex and a lot of other acts. As a golden rule, if it isn’t a part A into slot B kind of sex that will make little people like you, forget it.

The jury is out on kissing.

If you happen to be LGBT, please close the curtains while having sex. Ideally, close your eyes too, so there are no witnesses.

Renting a home to LGBT people or leaving them alone in your drawing room while you make tea could be aiding and abetting a crime, please consult a lawyer.

You may root for bringing down the age of marriage, putting restrictions on women’s clothing, jobs, use of mobiles, marriages or whatever, your organization may have been implicated in terrorism, or you may have threatened to arm people against the government, but you should be rightfully proud for saving the country from a calamities like consensual gay sex.

Finally, the British are the true culture of India. Kamasutra and Khajuraho are secular scams. The British themselves slipped off the moral path and gave in to gay sex some 46 years ago, but do not lose your moral compass. Keep it pointed firmly to an era where the sex of everyone else was the business of people with the largest mob.

And if you are foolishly angry, watch out, because while nothing happens to Parliamentarians who do unconstitutional things (think UID, ICMS, IT Rules, RTE, restrictions on drinking age for adults under 25….) and while the courts supposedly empowered to strike down unconstitutional laws don’t actually strike them down and kick the can into someone else’s backyard, the fact is that this mockery of the constitution is legal.

However, saying something like “Fuck you Supreme Court” over this would be a contempt of court. If you put your belief that the judge trampled on the constitution onto paper as an op-ed, you’d be an intellectual. On a blog, you’d be a rebel blogger, just don’t draw it as an image, because you’ll go to jail for insulting a National symbol. Get it? Just like it is illegal to burn an Indian flag, but ok to faunt it on your desk next to your paper weight and silver pen while running a scam.

Additional note to MLAs: Kindly do not watch gay porn in the Assembly, and if you must, please make sure there are no media cameras around to catch it.

This post will most certainly be updated. I ain’t done ranting yet by a long shot.

If you can’t make out that this is sarcastic satire, you got bigger problems than the Supreme Court ruling.