Whilst being in the depths of my depression and feeling the pain from Fibromyalgia, I’ve had no means of real escape, or anyone to whom I could really talk to, or even understand a part of what I was going through. I have been very much alone with my illnesses mentally, physically and emotionally, and writing this blog is part of my healing process.
Writing this is so important for me, and I hope by doing so, some readers may identify with what I have to say. Sx ☺

Thursday, 6 November 2014

When is enough finally enough?

I guess this a question that we all have to face at some time in our lives, with jobs, houses and problems etc. But what about when we have to face that question when it's on a really personally level? Like staying with the the person you have shared a whole life with, loved or married? How easy is it then? Because when you are in a close relationship, it generally goes without saying, (and I think maybe more for women than men) that we; already tolerate too much, compromise ourselves too much, bite our tongue too much and make sacrifices at a personal cost too frequently.

For me, I realised several years ago, that I had to save myself or face being unhappy for the rest of my life. The decision was pretty clear cut, once I made it. But as the saying goes, "Hindsight is a better advantage point" .

It was a very long and dark road that I took to get here, and only now can I openly confess that I should have brought things to an end, way way back. But I took my commitment to my marriage seriously, after all it was not on 'my 1-10 things I had to achieve in my life' list. But I did it all the same.

Our relationship before marriage was not always perfect, but our relationship after marriage was not exactly what I had pictured, and eventually only hi-lighted the huge crevices between us. "We grew apart" is such an appropriate phrase, as that is what had happened, but we also grew in completely opposite directions. We became more of our real selves. He became more selfish, and self assured; I became more confident and assertive.

Thoughout my marriage, partnership or relationship, I had always felt so alone. But a few years back, it became quite apparent that this was not just an emotional state of mind, it was indeed a physical fact. Any quality time that we could have for us, was completely consumed by his own constant need for self, whether that be his work, sailing, playstation or biking. So I had to make do with whatever was left over. I became a widow to them all! And I had been silently grieving since the day we married. I wasn't meant to have such an empty marriage, it just wasn't meant to be that way; I married for all the right reasons, but of course it was 2nd time round for him. He'd been there, done that, had his kids, blah blah blah. I never appreciated just how important that was at the time, or in fact the size of the monster I had 'really' taken on.

There are many instances where I should have drawn a line, but I didn't. But the final blow was after a discussion with his daughter, who was visiting for the first time in ages. It wasn't an argument, or disagreement, it was more that I would no longer bite my tongue and just listen to bullshit anymore.

But anyway, something minor grew into something major, very quickly and gathered enough momentum to take aim and strike. This was furthermore compounded by the fact that my husband, without 2nd thought sided with his daughter; even though he was fast asleep when she kicked off. No questions were asked, but many assumptions had been made, doubt had been cast and blame looked squarely at me. And I looked at my husband in absolute disbelief.

Only then did I truly see what had been in front of me all these years. I had always said, that no matter what the situation, if ever there were a problem between his family &and I, then he would always side with his family. Regardless. And in those few short moments, I realised how right I was; that I didn't have a husband or in fact a marriage anymore. Months later, I learnt the truth about that night, that he had filled her head with everything I had said to him about being unhappy, and turned the tables saying everything was my fault. So he'd discussed our private life with his daughter, some one he hadn't seen for 18 months, someone who showed little regard or respect for him at the best of time.