My Wife Wants Me To Tie Her Up?!

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I’ve seen this question in a few places where all of a sudden a wife lets out that she wants her husband to tie her up. Note: I’ve been seeing these WAY before 50 Shades of Grey was even a concept. I am not writing about that book! There are a billion reasons why you shouldn’t read it, go read Pulling Back The Shades if you want more info. But what about these genuine wives who have a real desire, not brought about by some piece of fiction, to try this? I’ve been that husband who sat there and thought, “Is this OK“, “What do I do?“, “How do I start?”
I like to pull Bible passages when I can, but the Bible is pretty silent on most sexual practices. There are prohibitions against things like bestiality and incest, against adultery, impure thoughts and practices, but what about what happens in a marriage bed between mutually consenting adults?

What does the Bible say

Let marriage be held in honor (esteemed worthy, precious, of great price, and especially dear) in all things. And thus let the marriage bed be undefiled (kept undishonored); for God will judge and punish the unchaste [all guilty of sexual vice] and adulterous.

– Hebrews 13:4

Now, most people take this to mean that outside of the specific prohibitions in the bible, and any obvious extrapolations of said prohibitions, everything is fair game. I think we have some basic rules we can all agree to:

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her – Ephesians 5:25

She comforts, encourages, and does him only good as long as there is life within her. – Proverbs 31:12

Everything should be done in love and respect, no harm involved.

Therefore encourage (admonish, exhort) one another and edify (strengthen and build up) one another, just as you are doing. – 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Everything we do should be to encourage, build up, each other, never to bring each other down.

Now, I know these verses are not specifically about sex, but again, I believe the underlying principles are still in effect.

So then, what do we do with a topic like bondage? Well, let’s define it first:

What is bondage

Bondage is the tying, binding, or restraining of a person for the sexual,aesthetic, and/or psychological pleasure of the parties involved. Rope, cuffs, bondage tape, self-adhesive bandages, or other restraints may be used for this purpose. Bondage itself does not contain sadomasochism.

– Wikipedia

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that Wikipedia is not an excellent source of reliable information, but I believe this is a pretty apt description. I particularly want to point out that last sentence: Bondage itself does not contain sadomasochism. BDSM can contain bondage, but bondage does not necessarily lead to BDSM.

Often, when people hear bondage, their mind all of a sudden jumps to chains, whips, paddles, canes, sharp things, pain, etc.. But I’d argue this is a twisting of the real meaning and a lot of people who participate in bondage would be appalled if they believed people thought that was their goal.

So, if bondage is for restraint, for binding, limiting their movements/actions/choices. How can this be building up our spouses?

People like bondage for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it’s just aesthetic (they like the contrast of soft skin vs course rope, either the one doing the tying, or the one being tied), sometimes they just like the feeling of being sort of cocooned, it’s like being wrapped up in a warm blanket for some. It reminds them of a simpler time in their life. There is also a complex chemical reaction going on at the same time, which I am not well versed enough to discuss, but I’d say the vast majority of the people I’ve had a chance to hear/read their explanations, it’s much deeper than that.

By far, it seems there are more women wishing to be tied up than wish to do the tying, substantially more. And I think there is a clue there? I think it’s because there is a part of every woman that wants to submit (yeah, I know, that’s not a popular thought). I think God made us in these roles. He made Adam to rule the garden, to care for it, to subdue everything in it, and then he placed Eve within that garden. She was designed to submit, to help Adam to become what he was intended for, and more and more in this day and age, staying in these gender roles becoming harder and harder to do. I think many men and women are calling out for some way to reclaim that feeling. For women: of Eve being able to submit, completely, knowing, trusting, believing that Adam would care for her, protect her, guard her from the world. For men: to feel like they are the masters of the domain God has given them, that they have a spouse that trusts them to care for them, to protect them and respects him.

Why do you want me to tie you up?

It seems for many, bondage is a symbolic expression (consciously or subconsciously) of that lost state. I asked my wife once, “Why do you think you like being handcuffed, or blindfolded, or tied with ropes, or whatever?“ Her answer was a simple “I like feeling that you are going to take care of me.” It is a conscious decision of hers to place herself in a place of complete vulnerability. She has to trust that I will let her go, that I will not harm or hurt her and she is dependent on me (during that session) to provide, to give her pleasure.

And to be honest, she loves to do it. This is not something I have ever forced on her, she requests it. Why? It’s freeing for her. She literally has no responsibilities during that time. When is the last time you had zero responsibilities? I mean, we’re responsible for things even while we sleep! I’m not sure I completely comprehend what sort of a break that is to a homeschooling mother of 4 young kids; to have between a half an hour and a couple of hours of blissful lack of any sort of responsibility and/or decision making. But, I tell you, the evidence of these sessions is undeniable. Her orgasms are quicker, stronger, and the next day she is more relaxed, smiles more, and generally just happier than if we had just had a week long vacation (though, granted, vacations with 4 kids aren’t very relaxing these days).

The closest thing I can relate this to in the Bible is this:

For My yoke is wholesome (useful, good—not harsh, hard, sharp, or pressing, but comfortable, gracious, and pleasant), and My burden is light and easy to be borne. – Matthew 11:30

When Jesus first said this, I’m sure many people thinking “How can a yoke be wholesome/useful/good? He wants us to go from slaves to the Romans to slaves to Him.” But Jesus said the burden is light and easy to bear. You know why? Because when we let our self, our will, die, and let God take over, everything becomes easier. Don’t get me wrong, your circumstances will probably get harder, but life is easier, because He is in control, we don’t need to make decisions, only follow what the Spirit is telling us.

Now, I do not want to raise bondage on some kind of a pedestal, but I can’t help but see a parallel. I’m sure some people are asking “How can you like being tied up/blindfolded/cuffed/whatever?” Because the bondage is light. It’s sort of a trade: my wife trades emotional/mental bondage for physical, and apparently the physical bondage is much easier to bear.

Now, I’m sure some people are thinking “this guy is just justifying tying his wife up and using her”. Believe you me, when you are in the position of the person doing the bondage, yes, it is fun, but not for the reasons you think. I seriously enjoy the pleasure my wife gets out of this activity. That is what turns me on. But, I also want to say, that during these sessions, guess who gets to pick up all the responsibility she is free of? Yep, that’s me, and I do it willingly, because I love her and want her to have that break. It is my responsibility to make sure that she enjoys herself, is not hurt or harmed, if something happens in the house (some emergency), I need to be able to get her out in seconds if not faster (and yes, I am prepared for that). I never do anything I know for a fact she is not 100% willing to do. Any if anyone is wondering when it’s my turn to be tied up: My wife has absolutely no interest in switching roles. I’ve offered, she wants no part of it.

Now, obviously, this isn’t for everyone. My point here was not to convince anyone that bondage is something you should try. My point is to say, that I think you can do it in a loving, Christian marriage, and feel guilt free from participating in it. Sometimes people are worried that enjoying bondage makes them weird, twisted, a freak, broken. There are so many more people doing this in healthy marriages than you would believe.

Now, In some marriages it probably isn’t advisable. If you have trust issues (either you can’t trust, or your spouse is untrustworthy) stay away until the issues are gone. If you have been sexually assaulted in the past, be careful: some have found the experience a way to sort of claim back some part of themselves, but others prefer not to even mention the topic. Maybe ask a therapist. I’m not qualified to answer those types of situations.

Lastly, just so no one gets the wrong idea this isn’t a night occurence: this is a once a month at most activity for us, and usually doesn’t go beyond Velcro cuffs and perhaps a blindfold. We don’t have dungeon gear, I don’t own a single flogger or whip. I don’t even own metal handcuffs, they just look too uncomfortable.

Your Turn

So, I hope that wasn’t too much information, I tried to be as generic as possible. I am curious about people’s thoughts. This is a topic that doesn’t get addressed much in our circles. I’d love to hear your comments. You can comment below anonymously if you like, I don’t need to know who you are. Just interested in the discussion. Do you agree with me, disagree? If I see a ton of “unlikes” and “unfollows” I guess I’ll know the answer, but I’d much rather know the reasons, I promise not to get offended. However, if there is interest, I’m more than willing to post more topics like this. Topics a bit outside of the usual fare in Christian marriage blogs, where there are many questions, but not too many answers.

59 Responses to My Wife Wants Me To Tie Her Up?!

I’m a guy that would LOVE for my wife to want this. I would find it a huge turn on to have her trust me so much, and submit to me so deeply, that she would give me that much power over her body. And I would use that power to bring her pleasure, I would show her that even when she makes herself that helpless before me that she has nothing to fear from me at all. She is mine, and I love and cherish her and will not hurt her even when it would be easy to do.

She is not comfortable with the idea right now, but she does really like it when she puts her arms above her head when we are in the missionary position and I hold her arms down.

She likes it when you hold her arms above her head? I’d argue that you are already there. It doesn’t have to involve ropes or anything extravagant to be considered bondage. To me, that is a clear sign right there that she is submitting.

She may be uncomfortable with the idea, but she is already going through with it.

I mean, I’ve been pregnant for an eternity and am huge and uncomfortable and sick and congested and can barely breathe and have a horrendous cough…and the drive has been MIA for many months…and this comment sort of got something rumbling that hasn’t been set on like that in who knows how long.

It could just be that you feel a desire to be taken care of and protected, and many people feel that being dominated in some way makes them feel just that: protected and taken care of.

We played with bondage while my wife was pregnant as well. Just small things: blindfold, arms tied outstretched away from her body. Don’t do anything too restrictive, be very conscious not to impede blood flow or breathing. But, feel free to play with simple things. It might help to return some of your missing libido.

Thanks for being so honest and willing to talk about this issue. I completely agree with your wife. it is the complete lack of responsibility that for me make it so special. We have not done this yet but have discussing it and hopefully we will do this activity.

First, great post, and not too much information well thought and well written and bold; I like that.

Second, I wouldn’t give too much worry to the “nay-sayers” — If you are sharing a ministry that has been laid on your heart from God, then you know that you know. (Jesus was ‘full-up’ with attackers too, taking heat from them is just part of being a disciple of Christ.)

Third. Being willing to trust (submit to) your husband with all of your body is a demonstration of ultimate respect for him. This isn’t the ‘surface’ submission of knowledge coming through the head that is acted to try and ‘change’ him or given in pretend in order to ‘get’ something. I know there is this kind of submission because I tried to walk in this for many years. The orgasm (if at all) is as surface and short-lived as the submission.

There is a different type of orgasm that comes from true submission of the heart. The depth of the trust and respect I have for my husband is what determines it.

Asking your husband to bind you is that demonstration of complete and utter trust. It says I can’t trust you with any higher of an act – all of me is everything I have to give.Robyn Gibson recently posted..See the best and leave the rest

I enjoyed your article. We also enjoy bondage as a play thing. This is not something we do all the time but we both enjoy it. I as the man do like the control and my wife I think likes the loss of control and the helplessness of it. I would like to read other articles from you on this and similar topics.

Paul Byerly shared this, so I had to come over and check it out! You’ve written a thoughtful post about a difficult subject. Good information to think about, regardless of how people feel/think about this topic.Gaye @CalmHealthySexy recently posted..5 Ways “Hotel Sex” Can Boost Your Marriage

I’ve been wanting to try this. Where do you get the cuffs? I”m assuming this is for non penetration activities? And I’m also assuming the cuffs aren’t holding the females hands behind her back? I don’t mean to be nosey, just trying to get some ideas of the best way to try it out. I’ve been thinking of pulling out a couple scarves to have my husband tie my hands to the headboard, but velcro might be a better option in case of fire… hadn’t thought about an emergency situation.

I was trying to figure out how to respond to this, but it always ended up being very long for a comment, so I think I’ll just write a part 2 on the subject. Maybe deal with more…mechanics, less theory/theology. Stay tuned…

Thank you so much for writing this!! We greatly enjoy bondage and a variety of activities that would make most Christians eyes bulge! But here’s the thing: God gave me to him and him to me. And we feel that pleasuring each other sexually, in what ever ways we find enjoyable and pleasurable, are pleasing to God. We have a similar story as yours. For 8 years I turned him down constantly! About 18 months ago I made the same promise your wife did: I would never say no again. His response was a lot like yours. But it completely revolutionized our marriage. As I provided for my husbands sexual needs, God started to increase my desire. Now my desire is higher than his at times! And I have never felt so close to my husband. If we go more than a few days without having sex, I see the negative effects in ALL areas of my life.

I too feel the exact same way as your wife about bondage. It makes me free to enjoy the moment. I have some guilt issues about past sexual choices. Even though I’m married, I have a hard time not feeling guilty about sex. Being restrained takes away my choice in the matter amd leaves me free to just thoroughly enjoy what my husband is doing to my body. And I won’t deny that my husband taking charge, even in everyday situations, turns me on insanely!!

Thank you for your honesty. Amd you are not alone in your situation, actions or feelings. We too are walking this amazing journey.

Yeah, I know what you mean in regards to generally unaccepted activities. My wife once let it slip that we were participating in a 10 days of sex challenge to two of her sisters. Well, they thought even that was absolutely ridiculous and out of the norm (as if sex was some sort of mild torture), I could just imagine their response if they knew the whole playbook.

My wife’s turn around has been a little slower than yours it seems, but that’s OK, I am extremely content with where we are (though looking forward to progressing further). We’ve had 2 pregnancies and births to deal with since she made that choice, so that tends to set us back a bit, plus we still have a baby sleeping in our bed and waking during the night to feed, so it’s completely understandable that her libido isn’t back yet. We’re both hoping it returns one day and wasn’t permanently damaged by “the pill”.

My libido picked up greatly after the birth of our second and last baby. I don’t have 4 kids, only 2, like your wife so I can’t imagine her exhaustion. However, I also homeschool them and I’m a nurse who works 2 12 hour shifts on the weekends. So I understand where you guys are!! I would encourage you and your wife to continue to pray. I prayed that God would increase my desire for my husband. I even made it a point to try and fantasize during the day about him doing things to me to get myself worked up! Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. And I struggle with having a VERY hard time having an orgasm. So sex can be frustrating for me. However I’ve seen the positive effects of connecting with him that way on a frequect basis. So if it’s been a few days I say “honey, we need some time!” It seems the more we do this the more my desire increases.

Hang in there, keep praying and keep honoring and cherishing your wife. As you have seen, God is mighty and can do great, amazing things!

Wow, we home school as well, but I don’t think she’d be up for working on top of that.

Pregnancy/birthing, I’ve noticed, completely changes the nerves responsible for orgasm. I mean, before we had kids, I knew exactly what to do to effect an orgasm within a minute or two. Often I didn’t understand what other people were talking about when they mentioned orgasm difficulties in women. I think I may have arrogantly believed that I must just be really good.

These days (after 4 kids) things are completely different. My wife opts out of orgasm half of the time because, in her mind, it’s not worth the work (I’m always up for it), and because it will be easier to achieve next time. And when she does want one, it’s generally 15-30 minutes of work to achieve, but man, just watching her have an orgasm is worth it!

Only a thought, not a sexual advice, but a safety advice (and I’m serious about this): if you tie someone for fun you need to be sure that if something happens to you, the other person is able to rid himself, otherwise she/he could have a big problem… like I said, is a safety advice, not a sexual advice.

What a brave post! I’ve always had major trust issues as well as problems feeling trapped–so bondage was near the top of my list of things I would never, ever do.

As our marriage began to grow and I learned to trust my husband more, I decided to give him a gift. On Christmas morning, he found a couple giant spools of gift wrap ribbon in his stocking. Although we both knew the bonds of gift wrapping ribbon weren’t likely to actually secure me, my husband recognized what a display of trust it was when he saw the ribbon.

Wow, what a Christmas gift! No, not the ribbon, but the trust given out! That’s just amazing. Good for you!

I’d say almost every time, my wife could get out of her bonds without too much trouble (the rest she’d have to struggle a bit, but then could free herself). It’s not important that it be “actually secure”. It is the game and the trust involved that makes it special.

Thanks for the post. I’ve been mulling all of this over. I have seriously considered this and would like to at some point but I don’t trust my husband, especially emotionally, and talking to him about that lack of trust and why I have it makes him angry. I did go back and read your last year’s Father’s Day post, which I liked except for this: “We want you to show initiative in the bedroom, we want you to be willing, we want you to be the inner slut (just for us) that we know (or at least we hope) lies buried under all those layers of mom, church school teacher, nursery volunteer, food committee leader, etc, etc, etc..” I think your use of the word “slut” reveals what a lot of wives believe their husbands, or any man, REALLY thinks about a woman who enjoys sex and gets into it as much as they do. Webster’s defines a slut as “an impudent, shameless, or morally unrestrained woman; a promiscuous woman; Synonyms are bimbo [slang], chippie (also chippy), doxy (also doxie), fancy woman, hoochie [slang], hussy, Jezebel, minx, quean, floozy, tramp, trollop, wench, whore. What woman wants to be any of that? By using the word “slut” you are implying that there is something ‘not good,’ amoral or downright ungodly about a wife who would initiate or enjoy the very acts you suggested. This makes me SO ANGRY! Even today, when so many consider themselves sexually enlightened and with all the blogs out there, I often get the feeling it’s still a double standard when it comes to women all-out enjoying sex. A lot of men need to get over themselves. God created both genders with the parts and ability to fully engage and fully enjoy a mutually satisfying relationship, physically, emotionally and spiritually. When we see husbands loving their wives, not just with words but with ALL they are, like they want us to do sexually, (Jesus didn’t hold back emotionally or in any way), and when men quit thinking it’s all about them and measuring us against their idea of what sex is and isn’t, and when they quit trying to subtly manipulate their wives to get what THEY want, then and only then will you start to see women who are totally free to love sexually.

First off, my apologies to you. I had hoped that I clarified what I meant by that word by saying “Just for us”, and I hoped that I have been more than clear about my belief that sex is not a shameful activity, quite the opposite. It is clear, by your response, that I was not as clear as I had hoped. I will attempt to do better in the future or find a term more suitable.

What I was trying to say is that there should be no fear of shame, of regret, of anything negative while in the context of married sexuality.

Let me be perfectly clear: I believe there is absolutely nothing wrong with a women who likes sex, who initiates and/or enjoys sexual play. I think it’s healthy, I think it is the way God designed us to be, and I think only society has robbed us of the freedom of being able to express that freely within our marriages.

Now, I agree, there are many men who are only out to please themselves, but there are also many men (myself included) who adore their wives and seek their pleasure above their own. Honestly, I could have sex a lot more than I am now, but I take time to be aware of her feelings, her level of energy, where her mind is, and often I am the one to say “get some sleep”.

Now, if you have a better term for what I meant, please enlighten me, and if it suits, I will use it. If not, I will have to continue reclaiming words, framing them within context, to do my best to convey the ideas I am talking about.

But, I want to thank you for telling me what you are thinking and feeling. I will never learn how to improve this blog if people just storm off in a rage without sharing. That means a lot to me.

Now, about your issue with your husband: I would humbly suggest that the reason he gets upset about the lack of trust is because it shows a lack of respect (rightfully or wrongfully, it doesn’t matter), and that is probably what he craves more than anything else in the relationship. He is feeling attacked. How are you talking to him about it? Telling him how you feel isn’t going to help him much, because we can’t control your feelings. Telling him behaviors that he doing to cause those feelings is much more helpful.

For example: Saying “I feel you don’t value me” is not actionable. Saying “When you roll your eyes at me, I feel like you don’t value my opinion” is actionable (stop rolling your eyes at me).

Likewise, don’t just tell him what is wrong, but offer a suggestion on how to fix it. To use a poignant example: Telling me the word “slut” makes you angry is only helpful to a certain extent. Suggesting an appropriate alternative word gives me direction. Now, granted, you may choose a word someone else is deeply offended by (as you can see by the comments, no one has argued in the last year about my choice of terms), so much of it is just personal preference.

In fact, I chose that word because my wife likes to hear it in the heat of passion. I know some of the things we do in the bedroom, some people would consider them amoral and wrong (if you don’t anything beyond missionary position for the purpose of conception, someone is going to find it morally reprehensible), but I don’t believe those acts are wrong or sinful, and neither does my wife. So, for us I think perhaps it’s a bit of rejoicing that we are free of those restrictive thoughts. We have sort of reclaimed the word, as it were.

I love that word in the heat of passion too!! To me the word “slut”, as used in our society, means someone who enjoys sex. Yes that’s me!! I work with young people and they even use it in referring to men. They use it when referring to a male or female who has sex with a lot of people. That person does this because they always want sex and are always aroused. So, when my husband uses it in the heat of passion it’s something like ” are you MY little slut?” To which my response is an excited “YES!” Because I am. I love sex but that desire is strictly in response to and reserved for my husband. So, in our bedroom it’s a loving term. A term used to show how far we’ve come from the couple who used to be angry, divided and hurt about sex to the couple who openly, happily and enthusiastically enjoys each others bodies.

First, let me apologize as I realized after I posted that I still have a lot of anger concerning our marital situation which can sometimes come across as being down on men. Although I have confessed being a ‘gatekeeper’ and asked for forgiveness, not only has it not been given, it would appear my husband is doing the same to me and, somehow, the excuses he uses (tired, not interested…) he legitimizes even though the same excuses were never legitimate for me to use.
I would love to suggest an alternative word for slut but, alas, I cannot come up with one. I was looking for an antonym but found none. Having a conversation about which words one might like to hear used in the bedroom could go a long way in being non-offensive.
As for me talking with my husband, I know he needs respect because we have had that conversation but, he refuses to tell me what that looks like TO HIM. Yes, refuses. How can I perform a positive action when I get no help in what it could be, other than watch my tone of voice, which I am working on. On the other hand, I try to tell him not only how something makes me feel (or lack of feeling) and but also give examples of what that action, or not doing that action, looks like. Again, he refuses to act. For example, I might say, “I really want us to have a mutually satisfying sex life but it’s really difficult and takes a long time for me to become aroused when you show me attention or affection only when you want sex. Please, can you do this (hug, touch, make a suggestive comment, send a text, call me, pick out an outfit, JUST SAY WHAT YOU WANT to do earlier in the day, etc…) if you’re interested?” I can’t read his mind and he makes NO outward signs he’s interested. Like, he’s ignored me for days (weeks, months…) then, after watching tv for hours he looks at me and says,’you want to …?’ Really? And this has been going on for decades. Sorry to get off on that. I appreciate your blog and what you’re trying to achieve. I sometimes think it’s just too late for us.

No apologies needed, but I appreciate it. Marriage problems have a tendency to flow into every aspect of life.

I did want to say that forgiveness is not your responsibility. You apologized and asked for forgiveness, that is your job. You did that. He is only hurting himself by holding into past hurt and not forgiving. Don’t let him take you with him. Know that God has forgiven you, and live accordingly.

I agree with Cristi, I’ve seen marriages turn around after 30+ years, its never too late. But, you cannot change your spouse, only yourself. See my post about changing your spouse, often, the only thing you can do is model the correct behavior for him and grow closer to God. Many spouses have changed based on that and prayer.Jay Dee recently posted..My Wife Wants Me To Tie Her Up?!

Thanks, Jay Dee. I was just talking with God about the situation the other day and know I have not come to the point of forgiving myself for the times of sexual rejection and hurting my husband because daily I am seeing and living with the results of my behavior. I will read the ‘changing your spouse’ post. Thanks.

Like the original commenter and the Webster dictionary, I find the term slut to mean “promiscuous woman”, and last time I checked, promiscuous means sleeping around, having sex with many people. It has nothing to with enjoying sex. In fact many people I know who would be described as “sluts” actually abhor sex – but they use it to get ahead in the world (not christians I should probably say).

When you say you want your wife to be your “inner slut”, I think many people find it offensive because by the word’s definition, you’re not actually saying you want your wife to be horny and come after you sexually and to really enjoy sex, by it’s definition, you’re saying you want her inner promiscous side to come out.

Personally I’m not offended, but being a spelling/grammar/definition nazi, I find it an incredibly poor choice of words due it’s actual meaning. But as long your wife (or husband in the other commenter’s comment) and you are both happy with it, that’s up to you, but I’d consider changing the word used to something that means a horny woman not a promiscous one.

I’m one of those “young people” who uses it to refer to men as well as women. I don’t think gender should matter – man and women should both like sex but should both show restraint and only desire it for their marriage. The only difference is for most young people, they tend to call a promiscous woman a “slut” and a promiscous man a “man-slut”. But it does not immediately equate to people who always WANT sex or those who are always aroused – it just purely refers to those who are promiscuous, many of women actually really don’t want sex and/or aren’t much aroused, but do it for a negative form of control and power.

I mean hey, I understand. My first husband said a lot worse to me as “compliments” but I never realised just how degrading and disrespectful it was until he was no longer in my life.

LKI, my heart breaks for you. I don’t know your situation but I can say for certain it is never too late. God is an amazing God who can do above and beyond what we dream. Even those things that seem impossible. Obviously your sexual problems in your marriage are just a symptom of some deeper, hurtful issues between you two. Have you read the book “The Five Love Languages”? It was SO helpful for us. It’s by Gary Chapman. He also wrote a book called “The 4 Seasons of Marriage”. It is also a great book. It seems like from your comments your husband is not responsive to fixing things. There is a section in the 4 seasons book that addresses this specifically.

I will be praying for you two. I pray God restores, heals, and turns your marriage around.

Cristi, thank you for your encouragement. I’m not sure there’s a marriage book out there that I haven’t read and tried to implement. My husband read a little of the ‘love languages’ book and no others but my love language is quality time and that seems to be a concept he can’t grasp. And, yes, I would venture the sexual problems are only a symptom. I have done, read, said all I know, gone to personal counseling more than once, sought healing in a lot of areas. I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes and am far from perfect. All of this has been going on for years. He “doesn’t have any issues or problems except for me” and that’s a quote. I sometimes feel like I’ve died and gone to hell yet he can’t understand why I’m depressed because ‘he loves me;’ but I’m the one who needs to be fixed, not him. Words are cheap. Action is costly. I’m not sure what God is trying to teach me through this but I hope it’s good for somebody. Thanks for your prayers!

LKI: I hesitate to write this but I’m trusting that you’ll hear my heart of love. In our marriage I read all the books too; none of them “worked.”

The problem was 2-fold: In most (if not all) marriage/relationship books, there is a similar pattern: Author introduces the particular problem they are addressing. Author gives a ‘recipe’ for each spouse to follow. Author gives case studies for proof. endof. Now, you can read the ‘wife’ parts, but my problems (emotions) came when I would read the ‘husband’ parts of the said book – AND how all the examples in this particular marriage book seemed to work for ‘all’ other husbands – especially the case examples in the book. BUT not mine. It always seemed that the particular ‘skill set’ of this marriage book solution, never quite fit ours. So, for many years I stopped reading marriage books b/c they only seemed to make matters worse.

2nd fold: I had been reading from the wrong perspective. I wanted to “make” a better marriage … and THIS is how we were going to do it. I had been reading from the perspective of how HE could be a better husband to help us make a better marriage. When really what I needed to focus on was, how to be a better wife and a better me. A better wife makes a better marriage.

What tipped me off and took me down my memory lane was when you said that your man only read a little of the Love Language book. It was THAT VERY book that God used to teach me. And He said:

“You are reading this book to get something and not to give something. I CAN’T bless with that attitude.”

ewww, ouch and ick. (even as I reveal this about myself, it still feels a little yucky) BUT, I listened to the Lord and re-read it with a different mindset (and it wasn’t easy). But with God’s help, I tried to learn what HIS love language was … and DO it; instead of trying to teach him about mine.

And it made a difference.

Lastly, I don’t know how many times I said your EXACT words: “I’m not sure what God is trying to teach me through this but I hope it’s good for somebody.” LKI: if you are my somebody, please listen to my words. If you are not, then I have misunderstood and please forgive me.Robyn Gibson recently posted..My mouth … my marriage ~ June 10, 2013

Jay Dee: I would just like to say thanks for the post. Both my husband and I grew up in a very legalistic church and I think so often in the Christian community anything considered fun must be a sin. I applaud your freedom in Christ! And I think you and your wife are enjoying each other just as the bible intended. Cant wait to read part 2

LKI: I would just like to say this in love. My husband and I have been married for 26 years and in that time every single fight or disagreement can be traced to one single thing. I do not feel loved and he does not feel respect. I can not think of a single time when this was not the case. I know a bunch of books have been mentioned already and I am going to mention one more. and that is “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerich. It was truly a life changing book for me. Its a book that shows you how you get into that “crazy cycle” and how to get out of it. And that crazy cycle is this “without love she reacts without respect, without respect he acts without love”. Here is a youtube video that kinda explains http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DsloYxkA_JQ hope this helps you.

I read that book and found it no help at all unfortunately. Our problems are reversed, I feel I have absolutely zero respect from my husband at times, and he claims he doesn’t feel loved. I found it didn’t really offer much help when the feelings are reversed.

I feel trapped because he can be very controlling when it comes to certain areas of our lives, which I feel as a woman, I should be responsible for (eg telling me how I *must* do the housework etc) but at the same time, refusing to take the lead in the decisions that I fell as a man are his domain, eg making big life decisions. He is the world’s biggest procrastinator, literally runs away from making decisions, but at the same time, he won’t allow me to make the decisions because he’s the man and it’s his job to.

I can’t make him see that he either needs to make decisions, or delegate them to me. Instead of making me and the kids (and himself ultimately) suffer by him refusing to make a decision until it’s too late and things are totally messed up….. all the while he needs to stop micromanaging and controlling the things the few things I am responsible for like the housework etc.

He knows I respect him. I constantly praise him (which has repeatedly said is his love language, and I’ve had this confirmed with his family and closest friends). He knows I will (as I always have) back him up no matter what decision he makes. He knows my feeling is I honestly don’t care what he decides – I will support him no matter what he decides and will love him no matter what he decides – but making us suffer by not making a decision is crushing me.

I know the underlying problem. He has self esteem issues that existed long before I met him, and his way of dealing with things is to run and hide, even though it has cost him greatly in his life. But I go out of my way to constantly reassure him and build him up. He knows I completely respect him. But I’m tired of the kids and me suffering from his unwillingness to make decisions. One of the big things now is he has cost a lot of money (and I mean a lot!) by refusing to make decisions by deadlines, and now we can’t afford the bills, and the kids and I are missing out on really important things (eg therapy, school things, etc) because we don’t have the money.

He is very respected by me, yet he is stuck in this perpetual cycle of being terrified of making the wrong decision so refusing to make any decision at all – which is ridiculous, because he knows I’ve always backed him up even when a decision hasn’t worked out, and most of the time there is NO wrong decision – whether he decides one thing or another, neither is wrong, neither is even any “worse” than the other, it is merely the lack of decision that is damaging.

So I tried the Love and Respect book, and all it did was say keep doing the things I’ve always done, and everyone knows, you don’t bring about change when you keep doing things the same way.

We’ve tried counselling too, but I do everything the counsellor says, he does not, and nothing changes

I decided to ask my wife this question. Her answer was that she thought the trust you gain from those activities extends beyond the bedroom, and trust is a fundamental building block of any relationship, but especially in marriage. So, for her, this has a direct, positive impact in the rest of our relationship.

This is my first time on this site. I am so glad to read this. I’ve had my husband tie my hands as well and probably for the same reasons your wife does. I’m a stay-at-home mom who homeschools three kids, runs the house, pays the bills, cooks, cleans, takes care of the pets, plans our outings, etc. I just want to let go when it comes to the bedroom. My mind is spinning all day long and I just want to see an alpha male in my bedroom, something my husband struggles with being. Call it the “i’m a nice guy” problem and don’t want to feel like I’m being mean to you. We’re working on that. So glad to read so many other Christians also like this experience.

Please do! I haven’t convinced my husband to try bondage but I would love him to be an alpha male in the bedroom and I’m pretty sure the problem is the “nice guy” problem you mention.

Sadly I think churches in the last few decades have caused untold damage by raising young men and women both, to believe that enjoying and desiring sex is wrong, and to be horny and dominating (in a healthy way) in the bedroom, is also somehow wrong.

It is one thing I work on with my daughter, to let her know that desiring sex and enjoying sex is a GOOD thing, just that it is only for marriage and not before.

Yeah, I will. I’ve been working hard to fix this in my own marriage and seeing some amazing results. I think being more alpha male has to happen outside of the bedroom as well, not just there. I will definitely share more thoughts and the results when I can.

What about us girls who want nothing more than to be whipped and slapped and tortured during sex?
My husband and I have only been married for two years, but I cannot find any pleasure in sex unless we have violent rape play.
Does that make me a bad person?

Hi Jay!
I found your blog just one day ago and I just wanted to thank you for your time, words and transparency. I have only been married for a year now, and we’re really having many issues about sex because we’re really different and before getting married we had some partners as we weren’t Christians. I guess God wants us to learn a lot. And I just wanted to thank you for addressing this topic. It has been round my mind since I became Christian as I liked a lot but couldn’t understand really why. I completely agree with your wife, as I have been always the “active” one in bed, just letting all the responsibility to the other person is so relaxing and surprising as the same time (as the other have to think what to do next), and one can just focus more on the pleasure instead of thinking about all the things that go round in our minds (specially if you’re a woman). We haven’t tried yet, and I think first we have to be more confident but I would love to trust my husband that way. I think my husband should read your blog!
Greetings from Spain.

Wow, married and new Christians. That is a lot of life change in a year! Exciting times, though I’m sure it’s coming with some stretching as well. Glad you found the post helpful. Maybe we’ll see your husband in the comments some time.

Thank you for your reply! By the way, I became Christian 4 years ago and my husband 2 years ago (with my help, we were already friends) and one year ago we got married. So the change hasn’t been in a year but as newbie married the change in our life has been really important.

Thanks for the clarification. Being a Christian is a life of constant change, we are continually trying to renew our minds, die to self and live in Christ.

Paul (Saul) went from considering himself basically sinless as a Jewish Rabbi to saying he is the worst sinner of all. As we progress, as we grow our relationship in God, it shines a bit spotlight in our lives onto where we need to change. Marriage has a way of speeding this process up. Living with someone really shows us (and them) those areas we need to change (if we are humble enough to see it).

So I must say, I very much enjoyed your thoughts. Now how does it work in a christian marriage, if I, the husband, want to be dominated? My wife and I have discussed this at length and we’re not sure how it fits into a christian marriage, or if it does at all. It seems unnatural but I am drawn to it.

Like Lisy, my hubby and I were not saved when we married, although my hubby was/is an upright gentleman. We both got saved in the mid ’90’s. That means that I came to this marriage with six years of experience. My hubby, well, not so much. I was the one who introduced bondage to my hubby. It’s me who took control at the beginning of our marriage. I’m glad he trusted me completely, back then and now. He’s a good student. Last year was his first time to take the reins.

I bumped into this blog consequent to a comment in The Generous Husband. And so I cruised around a while, looking here and there, eventually stumbling across this rather old article.

And in particular, this:

> the mantra of those people is “Safe, Sane and Consensual”.

Ah, so…there it is, yet again. The subtle, unintended giveaway that one usually finds, sooner or later. The “tell” (think poker) which reveals the cards otherwise held so close to the vest, identifying the bluff. This is so commonplace as to be considered positively routine.

I am one of Those People.

Those. Them. Not part of Us. Oh no, of course not. No, you must realize, I am one of Them. Those. Those Others. Close your doors, pull the curtains, because Those People are out again. Oh dearie me.

Y’know what? Get over the Us versus Them. I am Christian. I teach rather conservative theology. I write Bible software. And I am undoubtedly, unquestionably, undeniably one of the kinkiest people you’ve ever heard of, much less met, or had post a comment on your blog.

Like it or not, I am one of You, in the only way that “You” matters. You might as well get used to it, and get over it, because Those People are all over the place. They’re right Here, with You. They sit next to You at Bible study, They serve on Your board of elders, and if You had seen that little note She slyly texted to Him on her iPhone at the end of last Sunday’s service, it would have made Your eyeballs blush. And that’s because She and He are part of You, which is to say, She and He and I are all Us. That’s right, THOSE PEOPLE are right Here in the middle of River City. THOSE PEOPLE!

One other note: “safe, sane, consensual” is a marketing buzzphrase, nothing else. It was coined to help with the PR problem of trying to explain to the vanillas who are still too shocked in their very white-bread, unimaginative, encapsulated worlds to understand what the @#$% is going on in other peoples’ bedrooms and basements. SSC is only marginally related to the real world; you may have heard of RACK, Risk-Aware Consensual Kink, which is a heck of a lot closer to the real world than SSC, and even so… Well, let’s just agree that there are things far beyond merely weird — by vanilla standards — that folks happily do to others and see done to themselves, that are often not particularly safe (except when practiced with extraordinary care, and ya know what? at some point you do that really off-the-wall, dangerous thing for the very first time), sane (noting that psychologists have a very hard time dealing with the choice of constraints as an expression of freedom), or consensual (because such relationships are often built on the explicit choice to hand over the power of consent, even when they’re actually not enjoying what’s happening, and we’re neither kidding about that, nor playing semantic games about it).

Having also read your Part 2, I have to observe that there are among Us couples who don’t use safewords. My woman has never had a safeword. She has refused from the beginning to have or use one. How far beyond the SSC map does that move us? How much should we care? Our answer: Not at all.

I understand you place yourself at the periphery of most of these questions, and that you may not be motivated to step out any farther than basic rope and cuffs, and that’s fine — YKIOK. (Your Kink Is OK.) But you must realize that Those People often go farther than that. Much, much farther. And that’s OK, too. You just have to be able to say YKIOKIJNMK. (Your Kink Is OK, It’s Just Not My Kink.) These are not matters worth breaking faith over, and just as importantly, not worth segregating into Us versus Them. Those People (i.e. me) stand with you in your faith, and stand with you in your church.

Try, if you can, not to see them (me; us) as Those People. It’s demeaning, and for the very worst reasons. The “tell” quoted above is very, um, telling, as much because of its habitual appearance as what it implies.

Wow, I think you read a lot more into “those people” than I intended to put into it. In fact, I wasn’t thinking any of this when I wrote that. I just meant “the people that self identify with the BDSM community”. You may be projecting your feelings of being persecuted a bit here, I have no reason or desire to exclude you from Christianity, or attempt to distance myself in any way. I’m sorry you feel persecuted, that was not my intent at all. I was trying to be kink-friendly.

As for safe-words: yes, some people (by which I mean some people, a subset, a group, not SOME PEOPLE, as in THOSE PEOPLE) decide to forego safe-words. That is one’s choice. I would hope they (sorry, I don’t know how to write without plural pronouns) are careful and aware of the potential dangers and the responsibility. Not that it’s wrong, but it may be wrong for me to point out to beginners that this is a good idea.

I hope you understand my position and my heart towards these topics (again, no emphasis on THESE, now you have me paranoid).

As a woman, I have always been fascinated by this idea, for the reasons you say. Because we wouldn’t do anything violent or hurtful, those aren’t issue for me. For me, I see being tied up as I am free of responsibility while my husband is completely serving me and pleasuring me and that is a huge turn on (in theory anyway, I’m really not sure how I would react in practice because I may be too self-conscious to really enjoy it.) Anyway, I haven’t really ever found a way to bring it up with him

Well, I don’t know if you’ll see this response, but how about sending him the post?
And start simple, don’t need to go full out the first time. Just use a tie to tie your hands, or a scarf to blindfold or something equally “safe” for a starting point.

I also like being submissive to my husband in the bedroom. I feel better knowing there are other Christians out there that feel the same as I do. I just have a question. My husband often likes to be a little rough (I’m not talking beatings or leaving marks). He gets turned on if a certain position hurts me. He also enjoys anal sex and tells me it’s because he feels I am giving myself to him completely, and I enjoy it. I just don’t know if we are doing something wrong as Christians. I’m not really sure I understand why causing me pain turns him on, and in turn me as well.

I think that causing pain to a wife is something a husband should never want. I know my wife likes it when it gets “rough,” but it’s only because it feels good to her. The intensity is up, and I get turned on because she likes it, not because she doesn’t. It appears your husband might be somewhat selfish in doing this. I don’t want to belittle him, or offend you though. I think there is a difference between painful dominant sex and intense dominant sex. I know I never want to hurt my wife in any way (I feel it’s a man’s job to protect and love his wife) sexually, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. There is a line I believe. I know my wife likes to be “spanked” during sex on occasion, but I do it because she likes the intense sensation it brings, not because I want to hurt her, you know?
On a separate note, at the risk of going to far, I wouldn’t be surprised if your husband is watching a lot of porn. I have struggled with this personally, so that’s why I brought it up. Porn comes in all types, but most of it is degrading and violent towards women. It treats women with little respect, and shows a view of control over a woman that is not Christian in nature. The sex acts in a lot of porn show men that are not only controlling, but uncaring. They definitely control the woman most of the time, but they don’t CARE about the woman. It’s the use and abuse kind of relationship. If a guy (myself included) learns to get turned on by this, they begin to think that women want abusive sex (not rough intense sex, but belittling/selfish/painful sex), and sometimes porn makes the point that it doesn’t matter what the woman feels and that it’s all about you. I think a good analogy would be cooking. I don’t get pleasure from making food my wife doesn’t like but eats anyway. I want her to enjoy it as much as I do. I don’t get pleasure from her pain, but rather pleasure from her pleasure. I think you might benefit from having this discussion with your husband. I hope I wasn’t abrasive or too confusing! Blessings to you and your husband! -Doug

There is often a fine line between pain and pleasure. Sometimes a little pain can enhance pleasure. I think it depends on the ultimate goal. If his goal is to increase your pleasure…I would err on the side of saying it’s okay. If his purpose is to degrade or hurt you for his own pleasure…I would err on the side of saying that is troubling.