Thursday, January 22, 2009

Google is one big Great and Powerful Wizard of Oz, answering questions from the masses behind the magic curtain. As it happens, I have Google Analytics installed on my blog which tracks not only how many visitors drop by but what web site they click in from, how long they stay, which of my pages they look at, what color their eyes are . . .

Okay that last part isn't for real but it's nearly true. I can see what queries people use to arrive at my blog and let me tell you it's eye-opening. You'll never look at humanity the same way I promise you.

So thanks to Jennifer at Family Musings' gentle prodding I'm sharing some of the searches with you--and I swear on a stack of Bibles that I have not made any of these up nor changed so much as one word of them.

These are questions I got during December 2008 and yes, there really are people out there who are asking Google these things and they're probably in line behind you at the grocery store.

Here they are, along with the answers I would give if I had the chance.

How far does the Alaska darkness go?-All the way to the border, then it goes through customs and becomes Canadian darkness which is subsidized by the Canadian government and worth about 2% less than its American counterpart.

Where do I buy dried sea slug in Alaska?-Dried sea slug? Dang, I just ran out or I would have loaned you a cup, Dude.

Who was the first person to cut down a tree in Alaska?-An Aleutian man named Koyukuk in 9845 B.C. Really. Didn't you see the press conference?

Do houses in Alaska have showers?-No. It's too cold to shower when we don't have any hot water. We're still working on that whole indoor plumbing thing . . . they're hoping to have it installed in most homes by 2012.

Does Alaska give you ten thousand dollars when you move there?-Sure, but only if you live in Barrow. Heh. Yea, Barrow's the place you want to be.

Can you wear burgundy shoes with a purple dress?-Yes if your name is Liberace, otherwise a resounding NO!

Can you wear velvet in May in Alaska if the temperatures are cold?-Not apparently--unless it's held together by duct tape--otherwise you'll be completely overdressed.

4. Safety Issues

I want an injury so I can have a cast.-Now you are aware that technically you can get a cast without having to break your own arm, right? Whatever floats that boat of yours my friend.

Can Muggles be bit by werewolves?-Gosh, I'm not even sure where to start with this one.

Can you die of hiccups?-Happens all the time and the FDA is in the process of passing a ban on them.

Can you die from a box jellyfish?-Sure, the Miami Herald had a piece about a lady in Tampa who had a jellyfish from the gulf infiltrate the sewer systems, crawl up the pipes, right into her toilet and got her when she wasn't looking. The encounter killed both the woman and the jellyfish so PETA is looking into the situation as well. You'll never use the restroom at night without turning on the light again my friend.

5. Celebrity Gossip

Does Catherine Zeta Jones have permanent eye liner?-Yes, and she's had her eyeballs surgically enhanced with food dye to make them appear more luminous.

Doesn't Patrick Dempsey's wife look like the jealous type?-She is. She's VERY jealous of women bloggers with suh-weet blogging skills because that's all Patrick ever talks about any more. Forget those Grey's Anatomy women all he ever says now is how hot mombloggers are. It's mombloggers all the time with him now.

How can I get Candice Olson to come to my house?-A trail of upholstery tacks leading up to your front door usually does the trick.

Who is sexier: Spiderman or Superman?-If you have to ask I'm ashamed for you.

6. Cooking Tips

How did they cook vikings?-With herring and cabbage?

What's wrong with eating cheddar cheese popcorn?-Nothing if you care absolutely nothing for the environment, democracy or fluffy white bunnies you sicko.

Why do children need to go to bed?-I'm trying to fathom the individual who would even question the beauty of the system.

9. Shopping Tips

What department of Lowes has the lazy susan bearings?-Aisle 17--though it might take you a while to find them, they're tricky so you'd better look good and long . . .

10. Miscellaneous Advice

What do I do to acorns so they bring good luck?-Uh, that's kind of the thing about good luck charms, they just have that stuff built right into them already, it's not like you can buy a jar and brush it on or anything. Or am I wrong on that?

What would you do if you loved hockey and wanted to play hockey but everyone made fun of you because you couldn't skate and had hand-me-down skates?-[sniff] I'd think about learning to skate.

Why can't people teach boys manners?-I think it's rather that boys have a set of manners all their own and they're wondering why we don't follow their system.

What would be a cool city name?-Planning to build one soon Mr. Trump? Then I'd suggest Scribbitonia.

What are some names for my new venus fly trap?-Besides the obvious "Flaming Killer Jaws of Wicked White Hot Death"? I've got nothing.

This may be hands down the funniest thing I've read in a long time - both the questions and your witty answers. I started laughing at the "one big cookie cutter" response and didn't stop! Thanks for a great morning pick-me-up!

Do you get a lot of tourists in Anchorage? In Juneau, tourists sometimes ask whether they can use American money there. If I worked there, I would want to say, "Yes, of course you can, but the exchange rate isn't very good..."

I just laughed until I cried, but two favorite were "Who was the first person to cut down a tree in Alaska?" and "How did they cook vikings?" I also really liked that you ended your dried sea slug answer with Dude.