Incoming… with waves of fear

I’m not going to lie. I am getting a bit nervous about October.

October is going to be a whirlwind in my life. Taking the leap across the great pond to try one last time to put my face and name on the map. I don’t feel I have put nearly the time and effort i need to put into the project in order to sell it. I need artwork. I need so many different things to make my sales pitch the best it can be. I still need one more go around on the script. I need people in my crew to bounce ideas off from. I need to build one hell of a production to show that I am not just some fly by night guy making movies in his back yard. I need my passion and my intensity for the project to burst from the seams.

…but I just haven’t been feeling it. Or, I haven’t had the time to be feeling it anyway. I haven’t had the time. My life has been pretty topsy turvy the last few months with moving and losing our apartment and dealing with everyday life, and a change in day job responisibilities has just made it impossible for me to make Ashio my main priority. With the coming month, and the first two thirds of summer behind me, I am hoping I will finally have the time to dedicate to give my characters the proper attention they need.

I have to remember that these characters are very important people in my life and need my constant attention to make them who they are. Without me, they are nothing.

It’s hard to believe how fast this year has gone by and how little I have accomplished in making this the sales pitch of my life. I have visions of the lobby cards and photos I need for my presentation. And I just have no means of making this happen. I don’t have the people I need to make it work.

I have always had a problem with dedication and outside help. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I am hard to work with. Maybe I demand too much from people. I am just doing what I need to do to make the vision I have in my head a reality. And for certain in this case, I am out of my league and this is way above my head. But still. It is entirely within my means. I think I need to focus on figuring out some test footage. Maybe a small trailer to tease with. Something. I need to focus and figure this out.

I need to build the presentation. I need the time and the means to do it. I need the peace of mind to do it. I need the confidence that is slowly waning, because fear and nervousness is creeping in.

I don’t know. Maybe that’s what I need in order to make my focus kick into overdrive. I really need a roundtable with my crew. It’s really too bad that my crew has scattered themselves to the wind and across the world. I could use the help right about now.