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Topic : 05/30 "Butt Out!"

Number of Replies: 275

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Created on : Friday, January 11, 2008, 01:07:38 pm

Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date 01/18/08) Do you have someone in your life who’s so annoying and frustrating that you just want him or her to go away? What do you do when that person is your ex and the parent of your children? Todd says his ex-wife, Nicholle, needs to butt out of his life, even though they share custody of their two daughters. He says he’s tired of her showing up unannounced, so she can be with the girls when it isn’t her time. Nicholle says Todd and his new wife, Michelle, fail to keep her informed about the girls -- like the time their little girl was in the emergency room. Both parents agree that the girls feel upset every time they have to go to their dad’s house. Cameras capture a typical custody exchange. What is the cause of the chaos? Dr. Phil points out the mistakes these divorced parents are making as he tries to get to the bottom of the threats and name-calling. Can these co-parents learn how to get along with each other for the sake of the kids? Then, meet a mother who hates her son-in-law so much, she refuses to have a relationship with her own daughter unless she divorces him. They face off for the first time in three years. Talk about the show here.

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01/18 "Butt Out!"

I can so identify with Todd and Nicholes situation. I too would prefer to not speak to my ex. I would actually prefer to communicate thru text messaging or email to arrange visitation. My ex is obnoxious and truly believes that I still want him back. He is easily angered and can become violent if I say the wrong thing. I have found it best for us to simply not be around each other. Besides, I get the ebbey jebbies being around him anyway. I find everything he says boring or simply stupid and I can't stand his live in girlfriend. She is always, honey this, sweetie that and then when I am not around she is trashing me. I want a peaceful life for my kids. The only way I can provide that for them at this time is to just keep him away from me. And if he asks me one more time about my social life, or trys to give me advice about my social life I may have a complete melt down upon his weazily head!

Butt Out

I so relate to this! My son got divorced in October and they have joint custody of two children. The ex wife will stop at nothing to get her way. She tells the 12-year-old daughter everything; the entire adult issues and treats her like a confident. She would just as soon not deal with the son who is 10 because he has ADD and is a handful. When the kids go to her house for the week she interrogates them and uses them as pawns. She is extremely manipulative and a psychopathic liar. Everything that you state to not do in your Post Advice Parenting is exactly what she continues to do. The kids are paying the price for this. Recently the house was sold and per the divorce degree proceeds are to be split 50/50, all the paperwork was done and signed and at the last minute she refused to sign the funds distribution. She continues to bring up in every correspondence that my son cheated on her. The thing that she has conveniently forgotten is that she was married when she met my son and slept with him. But she tells the kids that my son doesn't care about them and their family and that he had affairs (not true) while married to her. She tells the kids my son is going to hell. Her sister, brother, sister-in-law and best friend will have nothing to do with her anymore because of the things she has done to the kids. During the divorce she faked a heart attack, three times had cancer and going to die (this really makes me angry because my daughter is a cancer survivor), seizures and claiming she was raped as a child. No proof of any of this. But these are the things she tells the kids. Tells the kids that her family doesn't have anything to do with her because of my son. The kids seem to feel that they are responsible for their mother's happiness and they need to take care of her. She has stripped the 12 year old of her innocence. My son does not involve the kids in adult issues and tries very hard to keep the information at kids level. He gives them allot of individualized attention and quality time. But this situation will never turn around, I am afraid it will just get worse as time goes on. My concern is the kids. I would love to tell her to "Butt out", but she is their Mom. I just wish she would get help. Unbelievable as it may sound, she is a school teacher!

I can totally identify!

My Ex is a control freak, narcissistic, sad man and if he can make our life out of sorts in any way he thrives on that. His attorney is more than happy to take his money or actually his Dad's money to keep matters stirred. His attorney has so few clients she needs to keep this one on the hook to pay her bills. I no longer have any retirement, or savings due to the on going legal action. In fact I'm also nearly $25,000. in debt over it. Nearly $200,000 has been spent to date on just legal fees. That money would have been much better spent for college, a backyard playscape, a special SpaceCamp summer trip or better yet retirement! Much like the earlier poster I too have to limit his contact to emails and text messages. Just when I think things are starting to settle down, his harassment, manipulation and or taking me back to court over the fact that he still wants custody starts up again. All very sad for us. Our son is only 6 and the divorce was over three years ago. When will this end?

never understand

I don't understand any of this. Granted after being married, you may realize that you made a mistake, however, you did think enough about the person to marry them in the first place. If you have children, you are suppose to put your children first. To cause conflict and not get along, is putting more on your children. Get out of your way, and think of the children. Also if you thought enough about marrying the person, they couldn't have been that bad to begin with.

I know How You Feell Not Likeing Son-in-Law

I know how it feels not to like an in-law. I have a Daughter-in-law that just makes me so angry. Her family comes first and to heck with my sons family. They have 2 children together and she has 1 from a previous relationship. I consider him my grandson also. But for some reason she does not let me see the kids. At one time we lived 3 blocks from each other and I was nor allowed to just pop in and see the kids, I was told that I was not allowed to come to their house unless I was invited, (by her). I was not allowed to be at the hospital when the kids were born. Her mom and Aunts were but not me and my daughter. She had both c-section, so when they took her back to deliver them my son called me and I was there right after they were born. I ask my son what did I do to her that would warrent her treating me this way. Their first child was very sick when he was born and was in and out of the hospital for the first year and half after he was born. I was not allowed to go and see him . I didnt see him or get to hold him until he was almost 8 months old. they dont know me and are scared of me when I am around because they dont know me at all. the second child they had will be one in March and I have seen her twice and held her once. There is always some excuse why I cant hold her. My son just lets her do it and does or says nothing.

She wears the pants in the family. She does not work, sits at home all day and does nothing. The apartment is a mess all the time, she never cleans it. She never cooks. My son works long hours then has to come home and cook and clean. I finally decided last month that I had had enough, No more worrying about when I am going to see them, it stresses me out and upsets me to no end. They can live their life I will live mine. They never came to my house at Christmas or even bothered to call. I think of this woman and I get so mad I could see red. I dont say anything to her cause if I do then she makes my sons life a livin hell. So if anyone can help with on what to do so I can see my grand babies I would be for ever gratefull

01/18 "Butt Out!"

I know how it feels not to like an in-law. I have a Daughter-in-law that just makes me so angry. Her family comes first and to heck with my sons family. They have 2 children together and she has 1 from a previous relationship. I consider him my grandson also. But for some reason she does not let me see the kids. At one time we lived 3 blocks from each other and I was nor allowed to just pop in and see the kids, I was told that I was not allowed to come to their house unless I was invited, (by her). I was not allowed to be at the hospital when the kids were born. Her mom and Aunts were but not me and my daughter. She had both c-section, so when they took her back to deliver them my son called me and I was there right after they were born. I ask my son what did I do to her that would warrent her treating me this way. Their first child was very sick when he was born and was in and out of the hospital for the first year and half after he was born. I was not allowed to go and see him . I didnt see him or get to hold him until he was almost 8 months old. they dont know me and are scared of me when I am around because they dont know me at all. the second child they had will be one in March and I have seen her twice and held her once. There is always some excuse why I cant hold her. My son just lets her do it and does or says nothing.

She wears the pants in the family. She does not work, sits at home all day and does nothing. The apartment is a mess all the time, she never cleans it. She never cooks. My son works long hours then has to come home and cook and clean. I finally decided last month that I had had enough, No more worrying about when I am going to see them, it stresses me out and upsets me to no end. They can live their life I will live mine. They never came to my house at Christmas or even bothered to call. I think of this woman and I get so mad I could see red. I dont say anything to her cause if I do then she makes my sons life a livin hell. So if anyone can help with on what to do so I can see my grand babies I would be for ever gratefull

I think you are doing the right thing by not allowing this to affect you any more. It is a hard decision to make but one that you seem to have realsied is the only way you can go on without self-destructing. There may not be any answers for you as to why you are treated this way and it appears from what you say that your son is weak and unable to change things himself. Just remember this is not your fault, you havent done anything wrong. Give them their space and then concentrate on all those that love you and not waste your energy on those that do not care.

You are obviously a caring and sensitive grandmother and I think you should keep on looking at the positive things in your life and channel those feelings into that part and let go of the things you cannot change. Good Luck

Butt Out

MollyMouce, I agree, the kids do come first which is why I am limiting contact with my ex to text messaging and email. Our kids do not need to see their father trying to hit me or hear him screaming at me and calling me names. They need us both to be calm. And I am calm away from him. Peaceful in fact. I don't speak negatively about my ex or his girlfriend in front of my kids. I encourage the girls to love their father and to be patient with him when they are upset at his behavior. but this is "My" life now. He is not an immediate part of my life he does not have the right to tell me what to do, how to do it and when I should and should not date. I have butted out of his life because we no longer share our lives as husband and wife. He needs to butt out of mine.

01/18 "Butt Out!"

I don't understand any of this. Granted after being married, you may realize that you made a mistake, however, you did think enough about the person to marry them in the first place. If you have children, you are suppose to put your children first. To cause conflict and not get along, is putting more on your children. Get out of your way, and think of the children. Also if you thought enough about marrying the person, they couldn't have been that bad to begin with.

I remember all the wonderful things about my ex that drew me to him. I remember the wonderful moments from our marriage. However, our lives are no longer "together" and I can not allow him to continue to run my life. Putting my children first is my ONLY priority. I never speak badly about thier father or his girlfriend. I never roll my eyes or get sarcastic when the girls speak of them. I simply listen and I remind my girls that their father loves them. I pray every day that my ex will get his life together and become a man that the girls can respect and look up to again.

sounds familiar

I know how it feels not to like an in-law. I have a Daughter-in-law that just makes me so angry. Her family comes first and to heck with my sons family. They have 2 children together and she has 1 from a previous relationship. I consider him my grandson also. But for some reason she does not let me see the kids. At one time we lived 3 blocks from each other and I was nor allowed to just pop in and see the kids, I was told that I was not allowed to come to their house unless I was invited, (by her). I was not allowed to be at the hospital when the kids were born. Her mom and Aunts were but not me and my daughter. She had both c-section, so when they took her back to deliver them my son called me and I was there right after they were born. I ask my son what did I do to her that would warrent her treating me this way. Their first child was very sick when he was born and was in and out of the hospital for the first year and half after he was born. I was not allowed to go and see him . I didnt see him or get to hold him until he was almost 8 months old. they dont know me and are scared of me when I am around because they dont know me at all. the second child they had will be one in March and I have seen her twice and held her once. There is always some excuse why I cant hold her. My son just lets her do it and does or says nothing.

She wears the pants in the family. She does not work, sits at home all day and does nothing. The apartment is a mess all the time, she never cleans it. She never cooks. My son works long hours then has to come home and cook and clean. I finally decided last month that I had had enough, No more worrying about when I am going to see them, it stresses me out and upsets me to no end. They can live their life I will live mine. They never came to my house at Christmas or even bothered to call. I think of this woman and I get so mad I could see red. I dont say anything to her cause if I do then she makes my sons life a livin hell. So if anyone can help with on what to do so I can see my grand babies I would be for ever gratefull

I started reading this and wondered if I had written this and didn't remember doing it.This is so close to what I am going through with my daughter inlaw.I was called when my daughter inlaw went into labor.I was at the hospital,in the labor room, then was asked to leave when her mother,and sister arrived.I wasn't allowed to be in the room during the birth,so I left the hospital and went home.She was born Nov 8.On Thanksgiving we went to their house,however my daughter inlaw stayed in the bedroom with my granddaughter,and we weren't allowed to see her.When my grandson was born I was allowed to be in the room during the birth, but you could see in my daughter inlaws eyes that she didn't want me there.It has been 4 years now and we aren't not allowed to enter their home.We went to my grand daughters kindergarten graduation in June.We stopped by the house first,while at the front door,I could hear my daughter inlaw tell my son that she didn't want us in her house,so we left and went to the school.We sat with my son,while she sat in the back alone.I don't know what I have done to her for her to treat us like this.I have always been nice to her.They even lived with me for 9 months so they could get on their feet ,rent free.They didn't even help with groceries,or house work.She stayed in the bedroom all day,slept most of it,while my son went to work.I know that not every body gets along,but couldn't she at least put alittle effort into getting along.Here it the mdidle of Jan. and we haven't celebrated Christmas with them yet,and they only live 40 mins. away.I just keep biting my tongue to keep the peace.I guess my son doesn't want to see how she is,or he just hopes that it will be ok to go on like this.They have seperated several times,but he goes back to her,I think because of the kids.My grand daughter wanted to know what she did to make daddy go away.So he went back.I guess if you don't want a full blown fued you don't say anything,but still get treated like crap.