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So, lovemaking, in the eyes of those we might call some of the ‘original Tantrikas’ (and who exactly they are is debatable which is why I have created an entire series of interviews from teachers/gurus/etc from all different Tantric paths so you can get a broader understanding for yourself)...

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It is 2:30 in the morning and I just got off the most remarkable call with one of my clients.
Yes. You read that right.

I got a text message reaching out for help in the middle of a late-night relationship challenge and I felt compelled to answer the call. I am so glad that I did because not only do I LOVE helping couples navigate challenges right in the heat of the moment, but I also shared some advice with them that I know will be powerful for many of you.

With their blessing, I wrote about what they experienced so we can all benefit from what is unfolding between them. Because of the nature of their experience I have changed the names for privacy.

My clients are an amazing couple who were totally and powerfully swept away by their intense love for one another and, of course, the promise that this was truly 'the one' and they would live happily ever after. As with any time when love comes on so powerfully, I knew they were in for a challenge as love would surely bring them all the rest...

The woman, we will call her 'Jessica', called me and was totally hysterical. They had just had an argument, in fact, they had been arguing a lot lately and she was getting scared that maybe she had opened her heart too easily and had surrendered to a man who really may not be as 'conscious' as she had hoped. He was defensive and angry and he wasn't willing to see or take responsibility for his patterns that were getting in the way of them connecting.

Mid-way through our conversation, the man, we'll call him 'James', came home and joined the conversation with his side of the story. He felt she was hardening, focusing constantly on her work and not creating a space for their love to be nourished. Because of this, often when stuff would come up between them he would not feel safe, he felt she was coming at him with a hard energy and making him wrong for his feelings.

It was a big mess. They had gotten to the point where they both felt unsafe and misunderstood and they were certain that they knew what their partner was doing 'wrong' and exactly what they could do to change it and they were looping in these awful arguments as they tried to teach one another about their 'blind spots'.

I began to ask Jessica why she felt like it was her job to make sure that James understood where he was being unconscious. Eventually we unraveled that she was scared. She was scared that if he was unconscious about this small thing that came up in the argument, then some part of him was unconscious and delusional, she can't trust in or surrender to a man who is unconscious because if he does not see this now he will eventually believe something about her that is totally untrue and hurt her and essentially tear apart her life.

...once she started speaking it was clear that she was no longer talking about James.

Something magical was happening. Their love was revealing one of her deepest patterns, the one that has held her back from opening her heart fully to any man... love will do that.

You see, thing is, on some level she is right. James does have a layer of unconsciousness about what was coming up in their arguments, and that is exactly why she chose him. That unconsciousness touched a part of her that felt comfortable, that on an energetic or sub-conscious level felt familiar and safe, that likely mirrored a pattern she experienced with someone she was close to in her early life. So, when she saw this part of him it unearthed all of the times she has ever lived out this pattern. She began to see in James, every man who had ever hurt her. What she does not know is that every time this has happened in her life, she has called for it, she has called for it because of her desire to break through and allow love in.

What comes with this unearthing is a feeling of annihilation, of being completely unsafe and out of control... the thing that terrifies us the most, and the very same thing that those of us who long to be touched by true love long for.

Her natural defense is to create distance because touching the 'nerve' of this deeply rooted pattern, being faced with awakening beyond it threatens everything she knows. So, she uses the coping mechanisms she has used her entire life, since the very first time she felt this fear. She goes numb in her body, she starts to 'coach' or 'teach', she focuses on what he is doing 'wrong' and tries to 'solve' it for him, she absorbs herself in her work, she begins to shut down physically.

And it works like a charm. As she reacts this way, he feels less and less safe, becomes more angry and distant, begins to protect himself and the man that she once surrendered to is suddenly nowhere to be found. She is once again stuck with someone who is 'disconnected', 'unwilling to see his stuff' and whom she feels totally justified in closing her heart to.

And so it goes on. Pattern safely back in place. Back on track to live a life never knowing why true love seemed always just out of reach.

What a shame.

What I was able to invite both of them to do was acknowledge and become aware of this loop.

And then I told them the most important part of all:

'You both have to give up thinking that your job in this relationship is to 'transform' or 'fix' one another in ANY way, your job is simply to love. Yes, Jessica, what you are seeing in your man is real, and it's valid that you see it, and there will be moments where your greatest growth is sharing honestly with one another what you see...

Right now what we know is that he is defensive... can you love him anyway? Can you feel the discomfort that is alive in your body during these moments? This is what will transform the dynamic and let love in.'

3) is a fancy defense mechanism of my own to allow me to steer clear of being with the uncomfortable emotions that are coming up for me in that moment.

So, here is the advice I gave them for stepping out of the loop:

*you can, and should print this out and try this at home ;)

The minute one of you gets snagged by something that feels 'unsafe' or 'off' about an interaction with your partner (the kind of moment that would usually lead to a 'fight'):

If you feel compelled to 'call out' your partner OR 'coach them through what you see them doing' OR rage OR defend your point of view STOP --> bring the attention back to yourself. This is NOT about your partner, it's about what the story between you has to teach you about yourself. This is a blessing. Without this moment, you would never have gotten to know this part of yourself (don't use the blessing bit to bypass the intensity of your emotions please).

Name what you are afraid of. This one can be a bit tricky and you can begin with saying what you are feeling. For example: 'I'm feeling so angry, I'm afraid that you will never understand me'.

Be with it and hear your partner if they have something to share (partner, please only share in this same manner for now).

Now, put your bodies together. Yup. Forget about making your point, forget about somehow making your partner into who you want them to be, just HUG them.

And breathe.

The entire talking part of this exercise should only take between 5-10 minutes (which will save you a lot of time if you are currently butting heads and looping in arguments that can eat up hours).

WARNING: When you hug, especially if you are angry or hurt or any other intense emotion... it will BURN. This is PERFECT! The hug is NOT a resolution, it is not reserved for the moment when you feel close again. It is meant to be smack in the middle of the intensity that you are used to playing out in a certain way.

The opportunity is for you to make a different choice. To step right into the fire and rather than disperse all of that powerful energy that is between you as you start to touch those hot buttons, you learn to use it. To meet the intensity of the emotion and actually learn to be present to it (which is different than repressing and expressing it). By being present to it, you allow it to undo you. You let it burn. This burn is, from a Tantric perspective, literally burning away old ties, contracts with old behaviors that quite simply have been leading us away from love and awakening rather than towards it.

*Know this: I am not trying to say that there is never a time for talking it all out, there definitely is. This is one way to experiment that I have found effective. With practice and guidance, you can learn when this is the right way to approach a conflict and when other experiments will be more beneficial.

Extra Credit:

Sure you spend time watching TV together, arguing, getting the kids to bed, sharing a meal, talking about practical stuff but are you devoting enough time to love?

Get out your calendars (especially busy people) and calendar at least 5 minutes each day to get naked and hold your beloved. This does not have to be sexy time, just time for sharing love and harvesting your connection. Little is more important than your intimate relationship, if you don't invest in the love it won't grow.

Plan at least one hour a week that is just about loving, intimate time together. Not dinner, not a movie, not 'doing' anything but being together and enjoying, loving one another. Ideas: share a bath, go for a walk, shower your partner with kisses, give them a massage, blindfold them and caress them with rose petals... if you would like this time to include sexy time, add an additional hour.

Give this a try and let me know how it goes! I genuinely LOVE hearing about your progress and what works for you.

Just in case you are skeptical about whether or not this stuff really works…Here is what they both shared with me after our session:

From Her:

“Loving you so much. We made love last night before bed and felt much better. No one else I know could have so skillfully done what you just did. Your guidance and support was absolutely invaluable.”

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So much of how we are showing up sexually has been implanted by ideas from our friends, magazines, society. So little of it is coming from within. In fact, most of us have no idea how we would behave sexually if we had not been guided by these external forces. Everything from the idea of what an orgasm should look like, to how often we should have them, to what our lover should do to give them to us, to how big or hard their penis should be or what is the best shape for her breasts.
What I have found is that actually what I have truly been craving sexually, what some small part of me deep inside has been calling for, was actually almost completely different than what I thought I wanted and how I was operating sexually.

For example, I used to be very attached to my explosive clitoral orgasm and I would often get into patterns with the men I was with where I would basically demand that they go down on me and bring me to an orgasm before I took them inside of me. It was always ‘my turn first’ as it were, and I considered myself to be lucky to have partners who were willing to 'make sure that I was satisfied'...

As I began to become more in tune with the messages in my body, that began to feel less authentic and I found myself opening up in different ways… I even noticed when I did follow that old pattern, I would become wet, but in some ways my vagina would be tight when I took my lover inside of me, rather than warm and open and receptive. I noticed that it was when my lover paid attention to my breasts that my vagina would actually become totally receptive so that when I did take him inside of me, I was sensitive to him and I felt like I was inviting him in to a rich landscape. My vagina would become so sensitive in fact, that I ultimately became orgasmic from the moment he entered my body.

This was a huge shift and it came not only from allowing myself to listen to the messages of my body, but also from giving myself permission to do it differently. The book Tantric Orgasm for Women played a huge part in me discovering that I was not alone in this and reading it helped me to give myself permission to try things radically differently and say 'yes' to the voice inside of me.

Again, it is when we begin to truly connect within that we are able to hear these messages that we have overridden for most of our lives.

Want to use this article? You can as long as you include the following: Charu Morgan has dedicated her life to Tantra. Over the past 10 years she has studied and shared Tantra worldwide. Best-known for her candid Memoirs of a Tantrika blog and her down-to-earth approach, she is committed to educating modern minds on the ancient secrets of Tantra through coaching, events & home-study courses. If you would like to discover how Tantra can Transform your life, register online for the Memoirs of a Tantrika weekly ezine at www.embodytantra.com and receive your free audio report Better Sex, Richer Life through Tantra.

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It has become clear to me that no matter what the exact issue that brings a client through my door, everyone is grasping for the secret to having a deeply fulfilling experience in lovemaking.
People often want to believe or are searching out a technique that, once learned will finally satisfy their partner and transform their experience.

...and there are some techniques out there that are interesting and worth exploring, but the big secret is that great sex does not come from learning something you can 'do' differently. It comes from how intimate you are with yourself.

Our culture has little tolerance for dedicating any time or energy to fully experiencing our bodies because we have become so result oriented. God forbid we step away from our computer and the possibility of accomplishing one more thing, in order to nourish ourselves!

If we do take the time to nourish ourselves, it comes in the form of a spa treatment, a nice meal out, a ball-game, a Yoga class, etc. And all of these things are WONDERFUL! But how many of them really turn you on? I mean how much of your life touches you in your sex? Seriously, take a moment to think about it. When you are not engaged in having sex what percentage of your life are you experiencing the wholeness of yourself including your sexuality?

...I thought so. Way too little.

The worst part is that we have almost no experience of the potential of our bodies, no relationship to our own sexuality (other than a few goal-oriented masturbation sessions), and yet, we expect our partner to be able to satisfy us and take us to new heights... and if they can't, we whisper about it to our friends and long for our partner to change.

The good news is that getting in touch with your body and your sexuality is EASY. Yes, it is. Whew! All it takes is a curiosity, an investment in those possibilities that you feel within you, but often don't listen to.

Try this:

Take the time for a walk in the park or on the beach, while you are there, take a moment to pause and be silent. Allow yourself to notice what you feel through each sense in your body. What do you smell? How does the air feel when it touches your skin? What colors and shapes do you see? Sounds do you hear? Allow yourself to truly absorb all of the sensations of the moment and through this begin to discover something new inside yourself and your relationship to all things.

"All around you, in every moment, The world is offering a feast for your senses. Songs are playing, tasty food is on the table, Fragrances are in the air, Colors fill the eyes with light.

You who long for union, Attend this banquet with loving focus. The outer and the inner worlds open to each other..."

It is so simple that it is almost deceptive because we are not accustomed to allowing life to be simple.

And it is from this place of truly feeling ourselves in a new way, and coming into intimate contact with the world within and without that the great secret to lovemaking is revealed: attunement.

Yup. No special technique, no following steps 1,2,3 and boom! As you become more intimate with yourself you will naturally become more intimate with the world. As you become more intimate with the world you will begin to notice how to simply allow yourself to come into an attunement with this moment in your body. As you attune to the moment, you become more sensitive to, and can easily attune to your partner. It is from this place that true lovemaking happens.

As you become more and more sensitive, you will even begin to 'hear' what your partners body is telling you. A longing for a caress here, an invitation for a deeper more vigorous movement, a call to slow down, and so on. You become one of those rare people that you have heard of in the myths that friends have told you about that past lover who just magically knew what to do, how to touch and who drove them wild.

You can only become aware of these responses in your partner, you can only come into this level of attunement when you have an intimate relationship with yourself.

In many ways you will practice this attunement in every moment of your life. Life becomes your greatest lover, even just the breath moving in and out of the body is recognized as the sweet pleasure that it is, and sharing with another human being is a delicious expression of this loving.

Want to use this article? You can as long as you include the following: Charu Morgan has dedicated her life to Tantra. Over the past 10 years she has studied and shared Tantra worldwide. Best-known for her candid Memoirs of a Tantrika blog and her down-to-earth approach, she is committed to educating modern minds on the ancient secrets of Tantra through coaching, events & home-study courses. If you would like to discover how Tantra can Transform your life, register online for the Memoirs of a Tantrika weekly ezine at www.embodytantra.com and receive your free audio report Better Sex, Richer Life through Tantra.

Upcoming Events with Charu

Beginner Tantra for Couples

Sunday August 9th 6pm . Culver City

$100 per couple / $75 when you register before July 26th
click here to register:

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I have said it before, and I will say it again... the bodies have a language of their own. Most of us have stopped listening when our bodies talk and because of that we have suffered. We have suffered because we have isolated ourselves, not only from each other, but most importantly from ourselves.
The other day my man and I were making love and he paused, as he often does, and rested inside of me. With him resting inside my body I began to receive information from his body into mine. An entire symphony of information. It felt like a blooming, it began from his penis and then spread out through my body... reaching to the top of my scull and the tips of my toes, pressing against the inside of my skin to the outer edges of me.

He began to move again and it was as though the information withdrew or pulled back as he pulled back to thrust into me. It was startling and unsettling. As he continued to move gently in and out of me I noticed that I was consistently experiencing this unsettled sensation of trying to receive the information, but not being able to 'pin it down' or absorb it. Fascinating.

Now, I there are other times when he is moving and I can fully receive what his body is sharing with me, and other languages where I can feel the building of fullness with the intense movement... moments where the way that he is penetrating me feels almost blinding and that feeling of losing control is profound in its own way...

And yet, this experience, which I have often had, of longing for him to stay still so I could drink in this deep knowledge of my man, inspired me to share with the world how important these moments of pause can be.

Many of us are caught in a habitual loop of feeling that we always have to 'do' something in lovemaking. That there is some great technique that will wow our lover and make them love and approve of us or satisfy them beyond belief. And sometimes within that we are missing the simple magic. We are railroading over the very connection that we so long for, the connection that nourishes and enlivens. The connection where two human beings actually enter into a union and open to one another. Perhaps open and share in a way that is not possible with words or in daily interactions (as we know them).

So, I would like to invite you all to explore the stillness. Allow it to teach you about what is possible between two bodies as it re-sensitizes you to the moment.

Men ~ it is important to understand that I have just exposed a valuable secret to lasting longer in bed... when/if you feel you are moving toward ejaculation and you would like to postpone it... don't leave your woman by thinking of baseball or whatever techniques you have created to repress the energy. Simply allow your body to relax, be still. Yes, your erection may shift and change while you are still, you may not be as hard as when you are thrusting... this is okay.

Take this time to look your woman in the eyes, caress her body and allow yourself and her to simply relish in the connection between the two bodies. When and if it feels right to move again you can, as the bond between you has ripened you may notice a new richness as you move inside of her. You may even notice that your penis is more sensitive to what her body is truly longing for. Within lovemaking you can pause as many times as you like and you may even choose to experiment with completing your lovemaking this way, simply allowing the charge you have built from moving the bodies to nourish you rather than ending with a big explosion.

There is no 'right' way to make love. Explosions are wonderful, fucking is wonderful... and now you can begin to explore this concept of stillness and see what the process reveals to you about lovemaking and the possibilities.

Want to use this article? You can as long as you include the following: Charu Morgan has dedicated her life to Tantra. Over the past 10 years she has studied and shared Tantra worldwide. Best-known for her candid Memoirs of a Tantrika blog and her down-to-earth approach, she is committed to educating modern minds on the ancient secrets of Tantra through events, workshops & home-study courses. If you would like to discover how Tantra can Transform your life, register online for the Memoirs of a Tantrika weekly ezine at www.embodytantra.com and receive your free audio report Better Sex, Richer Life through Tantra.

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Some of you may know that today I celebrate four years with my incredible man! It is so amazing to share with a man so dynamically and fully. Of course, I credit Tantra for giving me the tools and the context for showing up and allowing the relationship to undo me, rather than make me smaller or box me in.
I think there are a few major mistakes that we all make when it comes to relationship:

One thing is that we think relationship is there to make us happy... of course relationships can awaken us to joy and happiness, but anyone who has been in one knows that is not all there is to it.

In Tantra, it is thought that a Tantric relationship is one which specifically provokes old family dynamics and habitual responses. Within a conscious, Tantric relationship we are given the opportunity to meet those 'trigger points' head-on, learn how to stay present within them, and open to a new, perhaps unfamiliar way of showing up.

A way that is beyond 'trading needs' and that takes us into uncharted territory where I don't count on my partner to 'complete me' as we see in so many movies, I go deeper with my partner by honoring myself, knowing myself and loving beyond my fear of losing.

This requires great courage and when you show up for relationship in this way, it can be the greatest teacher, perhaps the only teacher you will ever need.

I am not the woman I was four years ago. Throughout this relationship I have become aware of some very limiting patterns that I have been ruled by for most of my life...because of my strong Tantric practice both before and during my relationship, I have broken through many layers that have kept true, authentic love at bay. I am consistently surprised by what is possible between two people and by the true beauty of man.

When relating is dynamic in this way, and nourished in a foundation of a deep honor and respect for yourself AND your partner, the honeymoon never ends. Every moment is a delicious surprise, you are consistently challenged and invited into new landscape. Passion, desire and absolute love live here.

Want to use this article? You can as long as you include the following: Charu Morgan has dedicated her life to Tantra. Over the past 10 years she has studied and shared Tantra worldwide. Best-known for her candid Memoirs of a Tantrika blog and her down-to-earth approach, she is committed to educating modern minds on the ancient secrets of Tantra through events, workshops & home-study courses. If you would like to discover how Tantra can Transform your life, register online for the Memoirs of a Tantrika weekly ezine at www.embodytantra.com and receive your free audio report Better Sex, Richer Life through Tantra.

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In the West, Tantra has sadly come to be known purely as a sexual practice. It conjures up images of orgies and casual encounters in the name of something sacred.
Nothing could be farther from the truth. Tantra is a path of meditation above all things. An offering of tools to support you in becoming more aware, conscious and alive. To bring you home to the present moment. What sets Tantra apart from other meditation paths is that it acknowledges the importance of being alive in a body, being a sexual being. Many modern 'seekers' find ourselves 'top-heavy', focused on opening our heart, third eye and crown chakras in an effort to experience perpetual bliss.

Problem is that this bliss becomes a way to disconnect, a way to escape. It is not grounded in the body and because of that it cannot be integrated. Tantra recognizes that by using the very energy that makes us human, we can ground ourselves in our humanity and experience the divine here on earth. We can begin to integrate and LIVE a life grounded in a spirituality that is deeply rooted in our bodies.

If you feel that you have a deep connection to your spirituality, but in your very human life you are:

not experiencing freedom or abundance in your work

feeling isolated

in a space where you understand mentally what you 'should' do or feel in any given situation, but notice that your relationships with family and friends are not as enlightened as you would like them to be

are touching deep fulfillment and aliveness during yoga class, while reading Eckart Tolle, or during your favorite meditation/prayer practice... but are not feeling that kind of fulfillment, pleasure or joy in your relationships and sex life

...then it's time to dive in and experience what Tantra can offer you

All of my upcoming events offer a safe environment for you to have an embodied experience of your divine nature and begin to integrate that experience into your interactions with others. We will use breath, movement, sound & partner meditations throughout each event, the foundation of the work is one of deep respect and reverence. You don't have to work for years to receive the benefit that comes from Tantra, shifts made from this space are directly integrated into how you live your life. You will find that you feel even closer to the teachings and practices that are important to you.

Through the Tantras (techniques) you will begin to let go of the 'shoulds' and wake up to allowing life to evolve. When you are in connection with your body and in harmony with life, when you recognize the divine on a visceral level with those you interact with, you have moved beyond 'trying to live in alignment with your highest self' because you have simply remembered and embodied both your divinity and your humanity.

What a relief.

Would you like to use this article? You may as long as you include the following information along with the article: Charu Morgan has dedicated her life to Tantra. Over the past 10 years she has studied and shared Tantra worldwide. Best-known for her candid Memoirs of a Tantrika blog (soon to be published as a book) and her down-to-earth approach, she is committed to educating modern minds on the ancient secrets of Tantra through events, workshops & home-study courses. If you would like to discover how Tantra can Transform your life, register online for the Memoirs of a Tantrika weekly ezine at www.embodytantra.com and receive your free audio report Better Sex, Richer Life through Tantra.

Upcoming Events with Charu

Beginner Tantra for Couples

July 5th 6-8:30pm . Culver City $100 / $75 if registered before July 1st

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Lately, I have noticed that I have been rather negative. Thinking negative, sludgy thoughts, speaking of the things that are not going the way I would like in a negative way, and in many ways hanging out and bathing in this well of negativity.
It occurred to me that I have probably been creating a negative cloud around me and I should refer back to tools such as; the power of 'thinking positive'. Problem is, that whenever I consider tools around 'positive thinking' or 'gratitude' it makes me want to vomit. Seriously, something just does not feel right about it. Something is off.

When I have an internal 'yes' for something there is no stopping me. I can feel it in my body, in my teeth, how right it is and the universe moves in order to support me in that yes.

I often feel this 'yes' when I meet a teacher who I resonate with, a person I want to spend more time with, a work partner... and, of course, I feel this yes for Tantra.

Yesterday, within my sludge of negativity, I had a fantastic day of delicious meditation. I began in the afternoon with my meditation on the goddess Tripura Bhairavi, which I learned from a recent workshop with Parvathi and have taken on as a 40 day practice to embody the qualities of this goddess in my life... I then gave a private session where my client and I delved into Bio-energetic techniques to build the charge of life force and arousal in our bodies before allowing it to flow through us... and finally, I attended Dawn Cartwright's Friday Tantra Experience class where we awakened to the Sutra 'Unminding Mind, Be in the Middle, until...'

By the time I arrived at class I was already buzzing. Within the first five minutes I felt something crack open inside of me and I was alive with absolute love and gratitude... I did not think this, it was an actual physical sensation. I felt my absolute devotion to Tantra on a cellular level and my love for Dawn, for my beloved, for all my friends... and even for the strangers who shared in this evening with me. Ahhhh.

...And suddenly I knew why I feel sick when I think about positive thinking or gratitude lists...

What I am longing for, what I know to be real and true in my body, is so far beyond my negative thoughts, so far beyond changing my behavior or thinking in any way, what I am longing for isn't even on the same planet as these concepts. What I am longing for is simple, it is effortless, it is absolute reality and it awakens through my body. Once I touch it, everything is transformed. Negative thoughts are not a 'problem' because the story has dissolved. I don't need to 'think positive' or 'be grateful' because I am fully embodied. The wholeness that I experience is in itself a radiant love and gratitude, and I don't need to name it.

This is what I am holding for. This is what I surrender everything to. This is what Tantra has given me.

Be guided to let down the internal barriers that have been recreating the story that we are alone and unsupported and wake up to the reality of Life's Embrace. Life is loving you, life is supporting you all we need to do is say 'yes'. Allow me to create a space for you where you can experience Life's embrace on a visceral level. Creating a body-memory that you can take with you.”