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Thursday, May 29, 2014

I'm not the hero you want, I'm the hero you deserve

As a follow up to yesterday's post about the frozen yogurt place's policy on military discount (requiring the military member to be present), I have good news! Thanks to an awesome blog reader who sent them an email, they have changed their policy and apologized for having that way in the first place. See, my blog isn't just annoying gifs. I'm helping more people get discounts on low fat yogurt!

Yesterday was one of those days with my kids when I seriously considered just going and sitting on the back deck and letting nature take its course inside. I know the baby is recovering from being sick, so I expect her to be whiny, but she was really over achieving. Faith is turning four on Sunday and apparently that means she no longer listens to me and challenges every single thing I say. Even if I tell her to do something she wants to do, her knee jerk reaction right now is to say "Nooooo, I don't WANT to do that!" Sometimes I wonder why we are going to such lengths to get her to talk more.

As a sneak peak in my glamour-filled life, I got both cranky kids down for a nap after Faith's gymnastic's lesson, and I did a treadmill walk because you know, busted back. After I finished that, my lunch just beeped in the microwave when I heard the baby scream like she saw a ghost upstairs. Once I got her calmed down, I figured I'd take a shower. She spent my whole time in the shower with her snot streaked face pressed against the glass, so that's my excuse today why my legs aren't shaved well. I'll come up with another excuse tomorrow.

After I got dressed and calmed down the baby, I went in to get Faith up from her "nap". I could smell an issue before I even opened the door. When I opened it, I saw her emptying out her whole fucking closet all over her room. I asked her "What are you DOING??" and she just looked me right in the eye and said "I'm making a special big mess!" like it was no big deal. Oh, and she had shit her pants. Not just in her Pull-Up, she had in her words "smushed it around!", so it was mashed all in her pajama shorts as well. She did that right next her to potty.

As punishment, I took away her favorite toy and told her she could have it back after three days of no poop accidents. She didn't care at all. At some point she has turned into Cool Hand Luke.

Also, the dog threw up in the kitchen because I was ten minutes late on serving her dinner, and the baby blew out her diaper while sitting on my lap while I was trying to finish dinner.

This has been your daily dose of blog-delivered birth control. You're welcome.

What has been the worst (or grossest) thing to happen to you so far this week?

25 comments:

I've had nothing gross happen this week, thank god. Although my son still has bed wetting issues so there are weeks when I feel like all I'm doing is washing piss sheets.

Probably my grossest mom experience was when my middle kid was sick. Really sick. Two separate nights she not only barfed all over herself while sleeping (and didn't wake up) but also shit herself. ALSO! As in addition to the barf. Cleaning barf and shit from a top bunk and also off a sick kid with long hair is no picnic. And of course, the hour was 3 am. On a work day.

Back in the day, I was babysitting, and one of the kids I was sitting had a blowout. Didn't even occur to me to put the kid in a bath. I just used baby wipes on the whole thing. Obviously this parenting thing is for me.

Yesterday, my toddler was clearly feeling the poo vibe. While doing bear butt time outside, she pooped all the way down her leg, which is really no big deal. I cleaned her up and dumped her back outside while I tried to get the vegetables watered. When I turned around 2 seconds later, she had squished dog poop in her hands and rubbed it all over her belly. I quickly cleaned her up and dumped her in the bath. When she protested all I could say was "babies who play with POOP have to have a bath." I scrubbed her so hard... So much poop.

Oh my god, that's horrific. My greatest fear is that I'll miss a pile of dog poop in the morning during pick up and my kids will either squish it between their toes or try to play in it. You lived my nightmare.

I don't have children but I'll share something gross I had to do with my cat. A few years ago he was peeing all the time over the shower drain instead of the litter box. While I was glad he was considerate enough to do it in a place that was easy to clean, I was concerned enough to take him to the vet, who suspected it was a UTI. (He's a male Siamese mix, which makes him pretty high risk for these). The staff at the vet's office tried to get a urine sample but apparently my cat had emptied his bladder right before we left and they couldn't even get anything with a catheter. So they sent us home with a little cup that I had to place over the shower drain to catch my cat's urine and then drop off at the vet's office. On top of that, my mom was coming down to visit that day, so I had to tell her not to run the shower lest we lose a urine sample.

Oh dear god, birth control indeed. Thank you for not posting pictures. We had a 3-year-old at the daycare once who shit himself, and then tried to go to the bathroom to clean himself up, but ended up trailing poo behind him all over the floor because it had run down his leg and onto his shoes. But yours is definitely grosser.

It's seriously the worst when you give kids punishments and they don't even care. It's hard to think of a better punishment on the spot. Nothing gross so far this week, I have my hopes pinned on the bachelorette party this weekend.

Yesterday my youngest got oatmeal everywhere at breakfast, so I took off her diaper and went to get her a new one. By the time I had returned, ONE MINUTE LATER, she was shoved in a corner between the TV and my favorite chair. As I picked her up, I realized that this was, of course, because she was pooping--she proceeded to poop on the floor, get her shit stained feet all over the chair, the TV stand, and the TV, and then continued to drop poop nuggets like an obscene version of Gretel as I hustled her to the bathroom. As a bonus, her poop (WHAT HAVE I BEEN FEEDING HER?!?!) was so thick it stuck like tar to the shower and I had to scrub to get it all off. It was an awesome morning.

Neighbor's kid was visiting and had diarrhea (in the toilet) without my knowledge. He went back out to play and our dimwitted golden lab slurped up the contents of the toilet and then shook her very wet, now very brown muzzle back and forth and back and forth, coating the bathroom with some other kid's liquid poop. Top that.

I have a poop story, which is more interesting because of the mystery involved then because of the gross-out factor. I was a camp counselor during summers between university at a daycamp where we had two swims a day - one morning and one afternoon. The twenty kids in my group were between five and seven years old. For a period of about three weeks, after every single afternoon swim, we would find that one kid had pooped in the pile of towels in the classroom we used as a changeroom. Figuring out who it was became the obsession for the staff.. there were charts at one point. We couldn't attribute one single suspect because we had a lot of kids who were all there for the same period of time. What motivates a kid to take a poop in a pile of towels? More intriguingly, without coffee, how does a kid poop at exactly the same time, every single day???

Awkward transition here but congrats to the reader that fixed the military discount situation. That was crazy. Can I do God's work by eating froyo or only by selling it?

I'm so glad I don't have a gross story to share this week. But I'll tell you, my youngest is all about the mess too. She's now 5. Whenever we get the playroom all cleaned up while she's asleep (because she won't "allow" it when she's awake) and she walks in after, she starts screaming and flailing like some crazed fundie worshipper. Then she overturns all the toy bins while shrieking, "I WANT A MESSSSSS!" None of my other kids were like this. She and Faith would probably get along great.

Oh no! Poop and puke! Don't you hate it when kids act like they don't care about a punishment?! It makes me feel so out of control:/ Especially now that I have a teenager and he is much bigger than me. Hard to look up at someone and be in control;)