Tag Archives: original music

Watered down acrylics…I was so hesitant with every decision I made for this painting. Normally I would give up and wait until I felt less of a need to control and perfect things, but I needed to show something for my time and kept at it no matter the hours wasted.

This recorded poem song was a surprise. I really enjoyed playing/singing without feeling the distress so intensely shape the outcome. Unlike today where I was left physically and emotionally exhausted, and still didn’t get the result I’d been working for…lol Next time I guess.

When Halfway Up

You don’t leave what you love hanging
Broken on a string.

Hanged and halfway,
Haunting the between gray.

I have sought so many ways
To let you know I’m here.
To see the side you’ve yet to see,
True version of me, clear.

For the next nine Mondays I’ll be continuing with the NAMI Peer-to-Peer class I signed up for a month ago. The first class was just an introduction. There are lots of other people and I hope to make at least one friend, but whatever happens I look forward to whatever information we’ll be given. Relapse prevention is what I’m most interested in learning about. As we’ve been told, I’ll take what I need from the course and go on my way. It’s free so there is no loss.

I also had two interviews this week. Both were a bust, but I had to go since it’s been several months since my last interview. I cancelled the voice lesson this week because of them, but will try to pick it up next Friday and see how I feel…Today was nice though. Several new little songs. Nothing makes me feel as alive as when I’m singing at my piano. That might be a small thing to live for, but it’s enough for now.

Something silly I painted on a piece of brown paper bag earlier this summer.

Of the newer songs I’ve worked on, this one is a favorite. It was the final poem I wrote from a collection stemming from the time at my previous job.

Good Will

Unnoticed and unneeded… The daily nightmare your fears Could never dream.

And would your future dare have me Continue to live as I know not to be? For one breath – one instance beyond all defeat… How can hope be worth anymore my belief?

I am the only one left to deceive – The only one who has not given enough To keep.

A lot of new paintings and music on the way. No good news as far as finding employment, but I’m still managing to live and tolerate this waiting. Therapy is going very well and I hope for good things once my classes begin next week.

These are photos I took back in July while outside at my family reunion. I had to get away for a little while and found some peace in looking up at the clouds that day.

A new poem song below. I was feeling weak when I recorded this and you can hear it in my voice, but it fits for the moment it was written–when I was trying to get through something that felt impossible to beat. I say I wish I could go back and fix all that I’ve ruined, but I don’t mean it anymore. It wouldn’t make me worth anything more to those in my life and I would still have difficulty forgiving myself as I do now.

To Wish Upon

Let go of the night.

But I would breathe again if I
Could just keep closed my eyes

And be safe and found
And be filled with the sound of sky…
The hidden space of time before time,
Before life…before light…

If I could just keep closed my eyes.

—

—

I’ve enrolled in a water color class set to being early September. One night a week for about two months. I’ve been discussing a lot in my sessions about how I’ve lived so far without fun or enjoyment of my own life ever in mind. I do things that I think are expected of me rather than building decisions around what future I want for myself (something I’ve never seriously given thought to). So having made this choice to take a class for something I’m actually interested in was a big step for me. There’s always risk of regret, especially when I feel undeserving to begin with, but I am looking forward to the class and hope enough others are registered to see it through.

To act upon a thought.
A dear friend I once fought.
I tried despite knowing they’d
Already won.

—

This video clip was done when I was working on the song arrangement still, explaining my comments at the end.

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Things feel all over the place here at home. My mother, the only person around me on a daily basis, is getting frustrated with me and my depression. I try staying out of her way, keeping the door shut during really bad spells, but it’s not enough. She wants to see and be around no more of it and I understand. I wish I were gone too…I’m sorry I am this way and can’t will myself past it. Besides sticking with my medication and going to my sessions, I don’t know what else to do.

This is painted on an extra piece of the wrapping paper I’d painted and used for the gift package I put together for my mother some weeks ago.

I know my songs, poor live recordings already, have probably gotten worse- looser and overall messes, but that’s what would define me as of now and apologizing for it changes none of that. I’m basically running my self down physically by eating little and over exercising, all to feel as though I’m getting somewhere and to numb feeling so badly about all that’s happened. It’s hard to hide and every time I go a little too quiet, my mother brings up some random talk of the hospital.

It really doesn’t matter to me what happens now. Going to therapy as I used to gave consistency, which is gone now. And the more I think of the beginning and where I was when I sought help, what I’ve done since and am at this moment is nothing to be proud of or deserving of more time.

So, that’s what this poem below is about; my expectations and where I’ve failed. some lines were left out as lyrics in my recording, but the point is there.

—

My Constant

Remember?

I started out tied down,
Lights out in a locked up room –
But however it was, I wrestled my way through
To the outside for you.

Less with the expectation I would be taken a saved life.
I needed someone to witness and hear why it is
I deserve to die.

Yet I am here to say it,
By this needle and thread I survived.
Losing myself to the same shameful loops –
Wasted time of a fool, I survive…

And still you remain at the corner of mind
Refusing to refuse
Of all people, all us pieces, all us problems – Me

How is it you believe? Is it honor?
The patience and strength far and ever out of my reach?
Strangled by your dreams and those of the angel
I only wish I could be…