Friday, May 29, 2009

More from my cousin, he's a riot!

1/ Walking 20 minutes can add to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

2/ My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.. Now he's 97 years old... and we haven't a clue where the hell he is.

3/ I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

4/ The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

5/ I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

6/ I=2I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. ....apparently you have to actually go there.

7/ Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

8/ I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9/ The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

10/ If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

11/ I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill was enough.

12/ We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our skulls. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

13/ Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look fine

1) My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

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2) My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

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3) Saturday morning I got up early to go fishing, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and tip-toed into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started .....

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4) I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed, and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

5) My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny & sleek that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

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6) When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

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7) After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

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8) My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

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9) I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

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10) A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

About Me

I moved to Florida in 1980. I was born in Vt., but it's cold sooo long, I'll settle for scenic North Carolina.
I enjoy the change of seasons. Spring, summer, winter, and fall, all have such a unique flavor; here it's just too subtle.
I loved to ride horses more than anything.
My dog Junior is a character in my first book, and there will be more of my pets in my next book.
We moved a lot when I was young, from Canada to New York, and from Texas, to Florida. I met all kinds of people, and I find that the more rural it is, the more friendly people are.
I have been married for a long time. So long it's like he's my left hip. But I'll keep him, he can fix anything!
I have a beautiful secret garden, with everything from Plumeria, to Penta. There is nothing better than sitting out there with a good book and seeing the palms and ferns wave in the breezes, in winter, the real time to be here in Florida.
I have written and published my first book in a series that takes place on Lake Champlain in Vermont. My always home. The only thing like the Green Mountains are the Great Smokey's, and a little town called Bryson City, NC. My next home, hopefully!