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Topic: My Wife passed 7 months ago (Read 10033 times)

Hi Everyone,My Wife Janice, passed away on the 6th December 2016. Janice had MS for 40 years, but she got an infection which turned to pneumonia and she was gone within four days.I struggle to get through every day without her. Although I was her main carer, we had nurses and carers in most days, it was like Piccadilly Circus, most days, now it is just silence, I can't stand having to go out, as I hate having to come back to the silence and the emptiness.

I miss her so much, my Daughter, tells me that I should snap out of it, how do I just snap out of the grief I feel in the loss of my Wife.I have not seen my Daughter and Granddaughters for ten days, I phoned her this morning, but got the answer phone, I sent her a text, asking how they were, as I had not heard from them, I got the reply, " We are ok, we are busy " this has hurt me and upset me so much, I just feel that I am in the way, I feel like a burden, I feel like I should not be here.How can you put a time on grief, I can't turn it on and off to suit her. My Wife was everything to me. I am sorry that this is so long, but I just needed to tell someone how I feel today, I know you are all going through the same thing and I am very sorry

Sending a welcome hug There is no set time limit on grief and you are very early on your journey - that's not long atall. Some people seem to think everything is 'ok' after the funeral, but that's not the case atall. And when losing your partner everything has changed - like you say, their absence is so prominent.You could try the radio or TV in the house, to bring some background noise. It's really good if you can pop out for a bit, it will help on your journey rather than being confined to the houseWe have several people here who understand. It's a tough journey which can be a rollercoaster but you're never alone here xx

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Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. Hold on in there xx

Hi woody.I understand that feeling of not wanting to go out because of coming home too an empty house.I work and for me Fridays were particularly bad,I used to hang around putting it off as long as possible and where previously like my colleagues I had watched the clock and left as soon as possible with the prospect of the weekend ahead,found myself resenting them still being able to do that.I had our dog to go back too but after he also died it was even worse for a while.My solution was to treat myself ,so I had something to at least look forward too once i got through that door. Over time I have got used too it.But it is very early days and no matter how long it takes you can't snap out of it,but you can slowly start to build around that huge gap losing a partner leaves in your life.I decided to go back to the places we loved and to do the things we planned or dreamed of doing and live life for both of us.Even just planning how to go about this on my own occupied my mind and passed the time.I also have the TV on in the house and for much of the time and for the most part it remains background noise.I,m not a joiner but others here have joined local area interest groups or done voluntary work .Others taken up new or older hobbies.I started carrying a camera round which not only overcame my anxiety over being places alone by giving me a feeling of legitimacy but gave me an interest.Over time you will find your own way,but in the early days,and this is still early days,taking tiny steps and getting through one day at a time is an achievement.

Hi Karena,Thank you very much, for your reply. Also for sharing your experience with me. The problem with grief is, it does not come with a user manual, so we have to learn from other people's experiences and muddling through as best we possibly can.You always have it in your mind, that you will be together forever, although my Wife had MS, we had no reason to think that her life was going to end so quickly, within 4 days of contracting pneumonia, she was gone, I just was not prepared for that, I know that none of us are ever prepared, but it's when it's so sudden and unexpected.I hope you are enjoying your photography, carrying a camera with you all the time, is when you get the bests Shots, as they are not planned subjects. I was a professional photographer, in the 1970's, I still enjoy it, but purely amateur basis now, but have not been able, or should I say panic to go out and do it.I also played drums in bands in the 1960's, but playing has been difficult since my accident, I taught my Granddaughter to play drums when she was 6 years old, she is nearly 15 now and a good drummer. I play bass guitar, but quite badly, very rusty, as have not played for years. I have many hobbies, but have just not got the inventive at the moment, as taking them up again feels like a betrayal, as we used to do things together and I find doings things on my own and going out on my own, I feel very guilty, as it just does not feel right.Sorry I am rambling again, I tend to do that, I don't know if it's because when you have nobody to talk to, you have to say as much as you can. Thank you for listening and I really appreciate the support

It's never rambling here it really helps to talk. Talking through those thoughts, worries or memories is just the way our brains process our loss/making any sense of it. I certainly found that. Theres never a need to apologise here as we all understand - all our losses may be unique but the grief journey has many similarities. And at times it'll just feel good to get those thoughts out of you your mind in to text Unfortunately guilt appears to be a normal stage of grief. I found a poem, which at the right time helped me fight past the guilt. I'll have to see if I can find it. It may be too early for you in your journey, but may help at some stage. Xx

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Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. Hold on in there xx

Hi Emz,Thank you very much for your reply. My Wife Janice, wrote poetry, so I would love to read your poem at some point. I have a lot of Janice's poems that I would like to share with people here. Poetry, can be a great help sometimes.Janice, was also a Spiritualist medium.

Hi Woody.It does take time to get back the interest in anything,and its normal to feel guilty when you do.I don't know if you share her beliefs but I imagined a conversation if my husband and I had any way to meet in another life.

It went along the lines of what did you do in the days you had left.? I went to work,I came home, I shut the door,and I sat around waiting for this day. That was the end of that conversation.Then I imagined another one in which I did more,I went back to such a place and the dolphins were still there.I walked up Cader Idris just as we said we would one day,and I zip wired over a gorge and half way across I saw the rainbow over the waterfall that you sent me when I was panicking,thankyou for that.I only did that because the chance was there and I knew you would have loved to do it. So I did it on your behalf but don't ever ask me to do anything like that again because I hated it.I did courses and learnt about all these things that I can tell you now,did you know how fascinating funghi are.I turned into a Gorilla gardener and there are daffodils all over planted in your name.saw Jules holland,etc etc And so the conversation went on.To me that was a much better one than the first,and I know its the one he would enjoy,the first one isn't a conversation at all.

Don't get me wrong,none of this stuff was easy and it didn't always got to plan neither am I always so up beat about things,even now six years on i have black times but I do know that if it was the other way round I would not have wanted him to feel guilty every time he took a step forward in creating some kind of life for himself.

Perhaps you could take one of her poems or write your own pick up your guitar and turn it into a song.I found a poem in his stuff that had obviously been written at the start of our marriage and ended " who knows what the future will bring" so I wrote more versus onto it about what it had brought.I made a poster from photographs of a place that was special too us and a dolphin and an owl which were symbolic too us then added some lines from his original too it.is on the wall in front of my desk and I look at his words everyday at work .I will try to find the whole thing again.BTW you may have guessed by now I am probably the site record holder for rambling,but I won't mind at all if you take the record from me.That's what this site is all about.

Hi Karena,Thank you very much for your reply. I think you have a great attitude and a great sense of humour. That really made me laugh, ( which is a rare thing nowadays ) when, you are saying about your conversation to your husband ' Yes but don't ask me to do that again " That really did make me laugh, which is what i miss. We used to laugh at really stupid things, people often said we had a weird sense of humour.Not long after i had my accident, when i injured my arm, we went into a shop to buy our Daughter a washing machine , she had just moved into her first house, Janice was in her wheelchair, we asked the salesman the price of this machine, he told us and without thinking, we both said, thats going to cost us an arm and a leg, the salesman, did not see the funny side.Ironic, you should say about turning one of Janice's poems into a song, i have started to write one, but writing verse / poems, songs, has never come naturally to me, Janice could write a poem in less than an hour, i have maybe got the first verse so far, but i will persevere with it.Thank you Karena, you have really made me laugh tonight and i truly appreciate that.

Your memory of the occasion with the salesman made me laugh :-) those are the things to treasure - some people never find that connection. For me, the loss hurts but I'm so grateful to have had that time, lots of treasured memories

This is poem which helped me, its kind of along the lines of karenas thoughts xx

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Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. Hold on in there xx

Well, i am quite pleased with myself this morning. I have managed to post one of Janice's poems here, also, have managed to put my Avatar here.Absolutely exhausted now, all that has worn me out need a cuppa now