RELATING.

Oh no! The talk

Finding the right time, place for tough-love words

February 05, 2003|By Sarah McAdams. Special to the Tribune.

I'll never go to My Pie Pizzeria again.

It has nothing to do with the food, but whenever I even drive by the Lincoln Park restaurant, I cringe, look away and hold my breath. It's been almost six years, but the desperate pain I felt sitting there one night, not eating pizza, comes crashing back every time.

My then-boyfriend and I had gone there with the intention of having "the talk." You know, the where-is-this-relationship-headed-it-doe sn't-seem-to-be-headed-anywhere-good talk. The details would surely bore you (but oh, that poor waitress, those poor people sitting at the next table); suffice it to say: I thought it was over and I was not happy about it.

And it's not as if he was just some guy; I ended up marrying him. But although it worked out in the end, although the conclusion of that one talk was "let's keep talking," My Pie has become as attractive to me as, say, the "eat sheep eyes" challenge on "Fear Factor."

Experts assure me that this reaction is normal. When it comes to having difficult relationship talks, the place--as well as the time and the words--are extremely important to the mental health (now and future) of all parties involved.

There is, you could say, an art to breaking up.

"Breaking up doesn't have to be an utterly miserable experience, but generally it's going to be a fairly unpleasant one," says Lisa Daily, author of "Stop Getting Dumped!" (Plume, $11).

"After all, one person is completely aware that their action is probably hurting someone else and the other is being rejected. Nobody likes to be on either end of that seesaw. The key to less painful breakups is to make it quick, be kind and close the door to that relationship completely."

The best times, places and ways to close the door? Here are four fail-proof strategies:

- Get some guts. Translation: Don't do it on the phone, don't do it over e-mail, don't do it via fax. Instead, do it in person. "Be direct, calm and practice what you want to say," advises Don Gabor, communications trainer and author of "How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends" (Fireside, $12). "It's best not to beat around the bush when ending a relationship," he says. "Instead, just speak plainly and to the point."

My friend Peter (name changed to protect the cowardly) tried this once, several years ago. Recently, another friend of ours was at a party and exchanged background info with a woman who said something along the lines of, "Oh, you went to so-and-so college? Do you know Peter? He dated my friend for a few months and then just disappeared. She still tells everyone she knows never to date him." The bottom line: If you're a jerk about it, it might come back to bite you.

- Choose the location wisely. If it's warm enough that your teeth won't be chattering, walking in a park is a great way to have a serious relationship talk, says Daily.

"It's crowded enough to ensure you won't have a big scene, but private enough your dumpee won't feel like they're naked in a football stadium," she says. "Also, a park gives them and you the chance to leave once the deed is done. There's nothing more horrifying than being dumped by your girlfriend or boyfriend, and then having to sit around making small talk for another 20 minutes while you're waiting for the check to come."

Another effective locale? Their place--especially if you fear your significant other may have an emotional or physical outburst. However, "being in public by no means guarantees a quiet response, so be prepared for an emotional scene," Gabor says. "Choosing to break the news in the other person's home, on the other hand, allows you to leave after you have said your piece and lets him or her react in private."

- Choose an uneventful time. Obviously, no time will seem like a good time to break the news. The best you can do is "avoid breaking up at a sentimental time such as a holiday or birthday, during an illness or during a stressful time at work," Gabor advises.

In general: Choose a date with absolutely no significance. I know the importance of this firsthand. I broke up with my high school boyfriend during our senior prom. That was more than a decade ago; I'm still wracked with guilt.

- Don't set yourself up for an encore. If you're sure it's over, there are two phrases to avoid at all costs: "I need some space" and "I think we should see other people." Each will only drag out the inevitable, boosting the misery quotient for both parties. Instead, make a clean cut. Say, "This is not working for me." Stick with it and keep repeating if necessary.

"If you end up getting sucked into a situation where you have to list reasons, you may find yourself in for an encore," Daily says. "Say, `we fight too much' or `you don't seem happy' and your partner will offer to change, taking all the air out of your breakup and landing you right back in the relationship."

No matter what tactics you decide upon, at the very least, learn from my experience: Don't have "the talk" at one of your favorite places. Just as you'll return again and again to that restaurant where he proposed, you'll never again step foot in the eatery where you (almost) broke up. Trust me; I used to love that pizza.