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The Corrupted Wishing Well

Having been a vet of this site since... um, a few years ago, I remember the forum game Corrupted Wishing Well. I'm sure you all remember it, and if you don't then scroll down like three topics. You'll see it. Anyways, this forum game works by fulfilling the wish of the last poster and detailing how said wish goes wrong, often with hilarious and reference-riddled results.

For example:Person 1: I wish I had Pokemon Sun!Person 2: Granted, but it's a hacked version of Heartgold. A bad hack, at that. I wish I had a pet cat.Person 3: Granted, but it's a feral cat that gives you rabies. I wish I wasn't so addicted to forum games!

... and so forth. If you understand, let's begin. If not, I suggest you look at the previus Corrupted Wishing Well topic.

Wish granted, but you must spend the rest of your days descending into madness as you attempt to find an objective answer to the age-old question: How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?