I am often preoccupied with thoughts of Phil. These ruminations fluctuate from nostalgia and regret to bitterness and angerâ€” but mostly, I struggle to understand the ease with which he flippantly smuggled me into and left me alone in the Chinese countryside for the sake of a short-sighted laugh (my success and ultimate affinity for this place and its people notwithstanding). Though perhaps a simple prank gone wrong and something for which he may one day be forgiven, these days I try and focus on the reasons I hate Phil. Here are five of them.

1. His stupid face.

2. That annoying sound he makes when he laughs.

3. He’s a shameless war-profiteer.

4. He wears cargo shorts.

5. He never really understood me.

Update: Phil has reared his butt-shaped head in the comments section below, and I would like to remind you all that he is not to be trusted. I only read the best literature, and he is not as well-intentioned as he might want you to think. And he is definitely the one with the stupid laugh.Â

13 Responses to Five things I hate about Phil

Hey there Rog-
good to see you’re still as slow-witted as ever. How’s China? Bahahahahahahah!

Three things people should know about Roger:

1. He once read “Eat, Pray, Love” and told me it was a “pretty good read”.

2. He is actually the one with the annoying laugh. Imagine a drunk hyena, then give it a bullhorn.

3. As far as my leaving him alone in the Chinese countryside is concerned, he was totally asking for it. Also, I didn’t mean to take his passport with me, and when I lost it in Uzbekistan it was a complete accident. I swear.

For the Soup? Damn i wish i could go. I’m a little hot right now (I had an issue with the Ningbo PSB yesterday. Found some Quaaludesâ„¢ in a credenza, things got loose). Doin fine now, though, just fine.

I remember Roger’s state when i found him outside the old reggae bar. He had fallen into the little pool they had there. I pulled him out, gave him a Hong Mei and well … I don’t know Phil personally except through the effects of his friendship that were clearly marked all over Roger’s body and psyche …

I hope you can explain yourself someday Phil, if not to us, then to the god you pray to.

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[…] Finally, not a day passes without thought of Phil. These ruminations fluctuate from nostalgia and regret to bitterness and angerâ€” but mostly, I struggle to understand the ease with which he flippantly banished me to this place (my success and ultimate affinity for this place and its people notwithstanding). Though perhaps a simple prank gone wrong and for which he may one day be forgiven, these days I try and focus on the reasons I hate Phil. Here a five of them. […]