Halloween Offers Lessons In Manners

By GARY WHITETHE LEDGER

Saturday

Oct 29, 2011 at 12:01 AMOct 29, 2011 at 5:37 PM

"Sometimes it's easy for them to get into (thinking) it's Halloween, they're out, they've got costumes on, this is what everybody's doing and they forget the basics that there is a generosity that's occurring."

Caeden DeBoer, 8, and his brother Caleb, 4, will head out on Halloween on Monday night dressed as a police officer and a white ninja.

While Caeden and Caleb will be the ones knocking on doors and collecting candy, their parents, Clint and Tina DeBoer of Lakeland, will be playing active roles of their own.

Clint DeBoer said Halloween gives them an opportunity to impart meaningful lessons to their boys about the importance of manners and appreciation.

"Sometimes it's easy for them to get into (thinking) it's Halloween, they're out, they've got costumes on, this is what everybody's doing and they forget the basics that there is a generosity that's occurring," DeBoer said. "We're reminding them constantly, 'You're getting free candy you did not pay for. This is a tremendous blessing to you. Are you grateful for that?' "

DeBoer said his sons are so boisterous and enthusiastic they have been known to burst right into a house while trick-or-treating. That's one reason Clint and Tina DeBoer follow close behind the boys on their rounds.

Clint DeBoer said they also listen closely to be sure they hear their boys say "thank you" after receiving treats.

"I think that's your job as a parent, to remind them of those things because you want them to grow up remembering the small things like that," DeBoer said, "and I think it will lead to bigger things when they receive stuff that's far greater than a piece of candy."

Berney Wilkinson, a clinical psychologist based in Winter Haven, said Halloween is an excellent chance for parents to teach their children about etiquette.

"What's nice about this type of situation is it creates repetition," said Wilkinson, who writes a weekly column for The Ledger. "For parents, one of the hard things of teaching manners is generally you only get certain circumstances once or twice or so a day. But trick-or-treating is a time when going from house to house you can have a dozen or more opportunities for kids to learn how to say 'thank you' and 'please' and demonstrate those manners."

Wilkinson advises parents to talk to their children about the importance of displaying good manners before they head out for trick-or-treating.

Halloween etiquette involves four elements, said Cindy Post Senning, great-granddaughter of etiquette authority Emily Post: offering a friendly greeting, taking only one of what's offered, saying thank you and moving aside for other trick-or-treaters to have their turn.

Senning, author of "The Gift of Good Manners" and mother of grown offspring, said parents should avoid making manners seem like a burden imposed on their children.

"We don't necessarily talk about it as a topic in and of itself," she said. "But you make it relevant for the kids by talking about what the activity is at the time. I don't necessarily say, 'These are manners for trick-or-treating,' but what I say is, 'Now don't forget, when you get up to the door I want you to look up and give them a big smile and say hi.' "

Senning added: "Don't present it as a bunch of rules. Present it as a way everybody's going to have a better time. Say, 'Wouldn't you feel sad if you gave people candy and they didn't even say thank you?' Kids know how they'd feel. That's what all these manners are about -- improving our interactions."

Wilkinson said learning etiquette is crucial for children's development.

"As humans we're social beings, and research has demonstrated that as humans we don't do very well when we're isolated or when we don't have good social relations," he said. "Manners and etiquette foster social relations and make people want to interact with you. We need that."

For those on the other side of the door, Halloween can bring trick-or-treaters -- especially teenagers -- lacking in manners. Senning advised against dispensing lectures on etiquette along with the candy.

"Typically I do not recommend trying to teach other people's kids manners," she said. "I don't think you'll accomplish anything, and it might set up a negative. What you're not interested in -- this is supposed to be a fun evening -- is confrontation."

[ Gary White can be reached at gary.white@theledger.com or 863-802-7518. Join his discussion of books at www.facebook.com/ledgerlit. ]

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