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I started feeling angry today and quickly wanted those feelings to fade. It’s been about 6 months since the 10 year relationship ended…

Speaking to a friend today, I realised I missed that intimacy of having someone to cuddle and kiss – seems so lame to say it out loud but that’s the truth. It’s not even about sex. It’s just about having someone to look forward to seeing every day.

What made me angry was that I started thinking, why did it take so long for it not to work out? How can you put everything into a relationship and have it fail? They say nice guys finish last but all I could think of was nice girls finish last – such an immature thought. I’d like to think that I’m a pretty decent person and would do anything for the people I love, but I felt like “what do I have to prove?”

This post seems sad… I just wanted to write out my feelings and what better way than on my blog because I don’t keep a diary. I find it’s better to release my feelings so then I don’t have to think about it again.

I was once told that Yiruma’s River flows into you was how I was seen by a loved one. It’s a very powerful piece that can literally make me cry listening to it. I’m listening to Yiruma now and seeing where my emotions take me. Can get lost in music sometimes. I should really start my poetry again.

Rather than being sad and angry, I am lucky I can now readjust my thinking into more positive thoughts. I don’t let any matters get me down like I used to. Momentary lapses of anger do really fade away because it’s such a waste. I think the more I talk openly, the better I feel about myself. The other day, my friend said he loved listening to me laugh. I asked why and he said because I sound happy. My answer to that was “Yeah I’m in Melbourne!”. Seems like such a weird answer (and weird is not the word I am looking for – I just can’t think at this time), but it really has been the positive change in my life – new surroundings, new friends, new mentality – what’s not to love? If I didn’t have the power in myself to make the change, I wouldn’t be happy.

As I slowly meet new people, it’s great to also realise what you want in the next partner. I have a crush (yes I said crush because I’m so high school) who has opened my eyes that there are really genuine nice guys out there. Ones that are funny, creative, easy to talk to, happy and just down right lovely. I hope to find someone like him and you’re probably thinking “why not date him?”. Well, that’s because he lives in another state and right now I think he’s perfect from afar. I don’t think anything will happen (even though people say “never say never”), though I silently thank him for being who he is because he’s just what I needed for confirmation, that nice attractive men do exist and all the ferals who just want sex, don’t deserve my time. I want someone I can enjoy and enjoys my company right back.

So there you have it. Gone into different thought tangents though I feel better getting it out because my mind races from here to there.

Also thank you to all my friends who listen to all my shit and still love me all the same.

Well, I have only believed in this recently. I thought about it more last night with my free time.

Growing up I was bullied, teased from racial abuse, had no confidence in myself and basically had no self esteem. I was a person who lived in fear of what other people thought about me. Of course this transcended into my adult years, until, I met a friend that changed my life. When you meet someone who has an illness, who can be taken away at any moment, and they teach you to live every day as though it’s your last, it really changes how you want to live your life. It’s a scary thought, having a friend that can be taken away at any moment though this didn’t seem to weigh them down. They go on living every day to the fullest. I thought to myself, why am I not applying this to my own life?

My ex thought I was changing as a person and he didn’t like the person I was becoming based on outside influences. I never saw myself as changing. If anything, I was awakened. My eyes were opened and I started doing things that made me happy. At the end of the day isn’t that what everyone wants?

I learned to love myself. I realised that it didn’t matter if people didn’t like me – well, you can’t make everyone in the world like you. I didn’t care if people didn’t like what I was doing – it’s my life, why would it matter to anyone else? The only opinions I should care about are those closest to me. I wasn’t so self-conscious. My self esteem was boosted. I accepted myself.

This brings me to the serenity prayer. I love this prayer and there are many variations though I like how this version is written:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.”

Whether you believe in God or not, is up to you. I think it’s a powerful saying and a great lesson. The way I interpret it is to learn the power within you and know that you have the power to make changes in your life for the better. To learn the power within to make positive changes at that. The things you cannot change are those that are from the past and it is about moving forward and opening yourself up to all the possibility. It is about knowing that you are the only person that can make your life better – not anyone else. Once you can accept this, then you will truly find inner peace and love yourself.

I am the happiest I have ever been in my life and it is positive because I changed my thought processes. I notice many people around me not happy with themselves or not happy with their lives. I hope they learn from what I have to offer to make some positive and powerful changes in their lives. It comes from within and the power to love one’s self.