Suit of the Week: Burberry Prorsum

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For busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional.

We’re having hot and humid weather here in NYC… so what better day to blog about tweed suits? I’m liking this little number from Burberry Prorsum (from their Fall 2012 collection, I believe). The whole thing looks very British to me, from the tweed, to the bow at the neck, to the slanted flap pockets, to the peplum flaps on the skirt, to just the look of everything. The jacket (Burberry Prorsum Jersey Tweed Jacket)is $2495, and the skirt (Burberry Prorsum Jersey Tweed Skirt) is $995 (both available at Saks).

I really really wish they hadn’t added the little flounces to the skirt. Flounces on the jacket…okay. I can dig it. Flounces on the skirt…I would try to remove. But I don’t want to spend $1000 on a skirt I would want to self-alter!

TJ: I’m going camping at San Simeon State Park and am thinking about stopping by Hearst Castle beforehand. Has anyone been to Hearst Castle before, and if so, was it worth it? Which tour would you recommend? I’ve never been to central CA before — are there other recommends for things to do around there? TIA!

I love Hearst Castle! I did two of the tours–the main/general one and then one of the specialized ones where you see more of the interior. There’s also a garden tour if you’re into gardens. I’m really into mansion tours–I love Newport, for example, but even the people in my group who were not still enjoyed it. We were camping at Julia Pfeiffer, which is in Big Sur. Big Sur is gorgeous and just north of San Simeon. Lots of great hiking. There’s also a beach with lots of elephant seals somewhere near there, and that’s worth seeing.

Hearst Castle is an interesting thing to see — I like imagining what life was back way back when this was a place where rich folks lived. Stay in or visit Cambria. It’s a nice little town with lots of art galleries (fabulous art glass pieces) and some very great restaurants. The Cambria Pines Inn has fireplaces in your room.

Would def recommend booking in advance. It sells out quickly, especially during peak summer times. Check out a Budget Travel Article from 2007 or 2008 (just search on their website)…they had fantastic suggestions for places to stay, things to do and places to eat in the Big Sur area (which is slightly North).

I am generally uncomfortable driving the coast route at night–there’s a lot of locals that go fast, it’s dark and curvy, people tailgate…so I would plan your driving around that.

17 Mile Drive in Carmel is also awesome and just a few hours North, as is the Monterey Bay Aquarium.

Also, not sure if you are from CA, but Coastal fog (June Gloom) is no joke–it’s wet and cold…so plan for that. June Gloom can last well into July too. Have so much fun!!!

The Big Sur coast is a must. I don’t think you need to go all the way to Monterey/Carmel as its pretty repetitive and I think the most spectacular scenery is further south, closer to San Simeon. But definitely go driving up the coast from San Simeon.

Hearst Castle is great. I also recommend Sebastian’s, which is down in historic San Simeon, for lunch. Go see the elephant seals, which are amazing. Cayucos is also a charming little beach town, complete with a pier; be sure to go to the Brown Butter Cookie Company. You might also be interested in exploring kayaking in the Morro Bay estuary, or hiking in Montana de Oro. Also, if you drive up through Big Sur, stop off at Lime Kiln, which is a fun little state park.

Bring warm clothes AND sunscreen — it will probably be cold and sunny, which is a pretty dangerous combo for sunburn! Have fun!

The colors are great. Any tips on how to style for work? If I wear a navy jacket over, does it have to be the *same blue? If I wore a kelly green jacket, would I look like a wanna-be Augusta golfer? Does it look suitable for an industry conference meeting?

Pretty! Because of the two blues in there, I would pick a navy that is close to the one in there, but it doesn’t have to be exact.

A cream blazer would also look nice with the dress. Maybe also a light tan. As for the kelly green, I wouldn’t worry about looking like you a Masters winner. Their coats are more a of a hunter green than kelly :-)

I would only wear it to an industry conference meeting if the attire were business casual and the atmosphere in general were relaxed. It is a beautiful dress, but kind of loud, so it would depend on how much attention you’d like to draw to yourself.

Just thinking outside the box, but if you got a eggplant blazer that would be a fun way to introduce another color.

Or a white or tan blazer might lighten it up for the summer. For an industry conference, though, I think I’d stick with a navy or even maybe a black blazer (but I agree the navy doesn’t have to match exactly).

Family Vent: Baby brother, who I am 10+ years older than but am also really close to, is graduating next month with a very specialized degree in the arts. He has no real plans, except to slum around the college town where he lives and work retail part-time. I know the job market is tough, but he seems so sure that something will just fall into his lap… because, you know, he’s entitled to it (now, he didn’t say that, but that’s how it’s coming off). He’s very smart, and school work has always come very easily to him. But his career of interest is very competitive and it was like pulling teeth to get him to complete a resume for a potential internship – an internship through another family connection! Which didn’t come through because by the time he got the ball rolling – his senior year – he wouldn’t be a student anymore and was thus ineligible. Ugh… I know he can get the type of job he wants, but it’s not going to be given to him wrapped up in a pretty bow.

Anyhow, I realize he’s only 21… but when I was his age, I had goals and plans of action, and he seems content to let someone drop a wonderful gift in his lap and will laze around the beach until then. OK. Vent over.

That sucks. I totally get you. My much younger sibling dropped out of college because she doesn’t know what she wants to do when she grows up and has been working retail 10 hours a week while living at home. It’s been 3 years. She got a perfect score on the SATs, so it’s not like she’s not school-smart. SIGH.

I too am singled out by my sibling because I do not have a job. I keep hearing about it from her and my parents, but I do what I can, but the job market is lousy for people with BA degrees. It is even worse when you are young and beautiful, because the men who are in charge of the interviews always want to see if I am “available” which means that if I am not I will not get past the first round of interviews. I have had my share of negative experiences with these type of nutless men and resent that I need to be the cute “little lady” to move forward in the job hunt.

This is a good place to vent and I understand your frustration with his lazy entitlement. But you are not his mother. If you continue to nag and line up his opportunities/deadlines etc like some sort of lifetime guidance counselor, he will never ever become the independent adult you want him to be. At some point, he has to jump into the ocean of life and figure out how to sink or swim on his own. This is that time. If you keep throwing the little arm floaties at him, he will never swim. Now, if this were 2 or 3 years later and still nothing, your frustration would be a little bit more justified. It’s not unusual for a 21 yr old arts major to not know what he wants the next step to be. Let him work retail for a year or two and see if he figures it out.

Also, he is not you. Just because you did X and it got you to Y, doesn’t mean he should be doing X or that he even wants to get to Y.

Your heart is in the right place here, of course. I’m an older sister too. It can be tough.

Yes, I agree with most of it – hence the mostly anonymous vent. We were also raised very differently – my family was mostly broke in an 800 sf house (1 bathroom + 6 people = not fun times) until I left for college – then “moved on up” and was solidly middle class for his life. Oh, and the internship thing – I only got dragged into it when he told me at 9pm he needed a resume by 9am the following morning. Oh, baby brother – my big fear is he’ll rack up tons of credit card debt on top of his student loan payments.

I have a similar younger sibling. My parents provided room and board when she “floundered” after college, but charged rent and required her to have (and pay for) health insurance. Eventually (after about 2 years) she got tired of waitressing and substitute teaching and realized her friends were living in their own apartments and buying nice things with the money they had from their “real jobs” and she got her act together. Went to grad school, took the time to get good internships while in grad school, and just graduated this weekend and has been actively applying for jobs and working connections on her own.

In hindsight, I think my parents were smart to let her flounder about wasting her education for awhile. She is much more mature now and serious about her career in a way that I don’t think she could have been 2 years ago. And in the grand scheme of things, she’s only 26. So those “wasted” years didn’t really set her back anything.

KP I can relate – same problem, but mine is 19. KLG thank you so much for the story! I’m doing the “let him flounder” thing right now (our parents aren’t around so I’m the support), so this tells me there is potentially hope while I continue to use the “I don’t care what you do, but do something” angle.

Something else to remember is that boys just don’t mature as quickly as girls. And while girls are more likely to be responsible because it’s socially expected, boys will wait until they want the benefits that being responsible brings. It has to do with brain wiring, hemisphere crossover, and evolving to have relationships (girls) or desire (boys) be the motivating forces. (Disclaimer: That’s a pretty broad explanation, and outliers come from each sex.)

My beloved older brother who is quite a bit smarter than me (which I’d never tell him to his face), was a total mess from approximately 21-31. I mean…for big chunks of that he vacillated between living at home and living in apartments with friends whatever. He had a few different jobs, most of them dead end. He was overweight, ate like cr*p, and generally didn’t take care of himself. Yet, he’s a great brother who was always there for me when I needed him, no matter what.

But then, at about 28, he woke up. He got his MBA at night, started eating right and exercising (has lost over 100 pounds), and now has a good government, career trajectory job. Frankly, he’s an inspiration right now. Sometimes, you just have to give people time — especially if what they’re doing isn’t self-destructive like drugs or alcoholism or anything. People just take different paths.

My youngest brother took two stabs at college in his early 20s…unsuccessfully. Lived at home for awhile, drank too much for awhile, dated a series of girls who were equally aimless…everyone in my Type A family fretted quietly behind closed doors.

He’s now 30, graduating from a decent public university with a scholarship for a masters. He’s got a son, a kick-a$$ SO who will become his wife in the next year or so, and totally has his act together.

People mature at different speeds, and sometimes they need to slip a little before they realize that things aren’t as easy as they thought. As hard as it is, I’d let him make a few mistakes, and bite your tongue when he’s doing something that is clearly stupid. The good news is, many people have recovered from mistakes they made in their early 20s and it doesn’t sound as though he’s making any catastrophic choices that he couldn’t bounce back from.

I’m the “and spouse” for a wedding in SF in early July. The wedding is at a church, followed by a luncheon reception at the Fairmont Hotel at 1pm. I’m thinking of wearing a navy sheath dress with a white cardigan and strappy navy sandals. 1) does this work for SF church/Fairmont lunch? 2) will I freeze? I know SF can be cold in July, right? I’d rather not buy something new, but am not sure whether this calls for a summer dress or a winter one. (Heh heh – or can someone style The Skirt in Storm for this occasion??)

I have the Skirt in storm! Do you have a bright colored silk shell, like in coral or something? I think you could wear it with a shell and with the cardigan or with a fun striped blazer (or seer-sucker) if you are concerned about being cold. Pair with fun, bright pumps or sandals, chunky jewelry, and a metallic pump and you’ve got a great look.

On the other hand, I think a navy sheath dress and a cardigan should be fine. I was in an outdoor wedding in the SF area in July a few years ago, and I was just in a strapless dress with a wrap and I don’t remember being particularly cold (though I am from the hearty north. :-P)

Depends on the cardigan and the sandals. If they’re the kind of sandals you could also wear to the beach, I’d pick something dressier. And if it’s the kind of cardigan you would also wear grocery shopping, again, I’d pick something dressier. But if it’s a “fancier” white cardigan and dressy strappy sandals….that sounds fine. SF in July can be 50 or 80, and even 50 and 80 on the same day, especially in different neighborhoods. I’d wear a summer dress (it IS summer even if the thermometer disagrees!) with a light trench coat, if you have one.

Excellent. And I may try the Skirt/coral shell combo to see if I like it better than the navy dress (I have such a shell and have yet to wear it with my Skirt.) Jay – Yes, the sandals are satin, 3-inch heels purchased to go with a navy formal gown several years ago, so they will dress up the sheath rather than dress it down. Good point, though – shoes matter, and I am terrible with shoes generally.

yeah, i think it’s cold for summer, so it’s the cognitive dissonance that makes it feel even colder to some people, but you’re right, it’s not really “cold” relative to many other climates! ;o)

But it can be downright freezing if you come for a visit with only short shorts and tank tops in your luggage and head out to the top of Nob Hill on a windy day! (not that I have family who have done this, even though we told them what clothes to bring)

As Mark Twain famously said, “The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.” The hotter the valley gets, the more air that area pulls from the west, i.e. our nice warm air. Something about high and low pressure. Which means we have to pull air from the west… which is the Pacific ocean and COLD. SF doesn’t get warm until the valley cools off.

I don’t know where you live normally, I’m from the South and when my husband and I went to SF last July (late July at that) we were freezing. I wore a jacket and scarf every day we were there. It was in the mid to low 50s for the duration of our trip. If you are from somewhere where July normally means hot/humid/miserable, don’t expect that in SF. It is also windy, so a fitted skirt would probably be good so you don’t have a Marilyn moment at the wedding.

Reposting this from the morning thread because it got stuck in moderation for hours and then buried…

Anyone else see the WSJ article about how work-life balance isn’t just for the married-with-children folk?

I know it’s not really news to the hive, but I wish a copy could magically land on the desk of a partner in my office, so he’ll stop making comments like “of course you can take on this umpteeth must-be-done-now assignment, it’s not like you have anything better to do! you’re young and single!” while he then goes next door to discuss preschools and weekend playdates with the married-with-kids associate.

Yes! People get to have lives outside of work, even if that means your adult soccer league and not Junior’s soccer game. I love my kids and all, but sheesh, other people picked other hobbies and need time for them.

Thanks for pointing us to this interesting article. I think it did a decent job of NOT pitting single childless women against those with kids. It’s just so frustrating — I cannot picture how we can break the cycle of 10- to 12-hour workdays. It is expected in so many places, and when one of us drops out, another one is happy to step into her shoes.

It will never happen, but one way to solve 10-12 hour work days and possibly cut unemployment is to require all employees that make less than $75,000 (or whatever number) to be paid overtime if they work more than 40 hours per week. Suddenly a lot of companies would hire more people because they won’t want to pay overtime to the low-level people that used to be on salary.

Yes, I found that article very interesting. When I was an associate at a firm, my friends and I would joke around about buying picture frames and leaving the photos of the adorable children in them and claim them as ours so that we would stop hearing, “Well you are single, so you have time to do X,Y, and Z, and while you are at it, A,B and C.”

Back in 2001, when I was laid off, my supervising partner told me that I was chosen to be laid off because I was single — apparently the burden would not be as bad for me as it would be for people with wives and children.

I read the article with interest. I guess I couldn’t understand why a person who co-founded a viable law firm is labeled as a drop-out. In my eyes, working for oneself is the epitome of success. Double standard maybe? Or maybe even a NYC/brand name firm bias? The lawyer profiled seemed successful and happy and balanced. She networks and she “plays.” Why do we all think work is something to be endured, and that she who is most miserable wins?

Does anyone have recommendations to a 4th year associate who wants to go in-house? I am not in biglaw, and while I really would like to work for an energy company, I do not have a lot of energy experience (other than reviewing pipeline easements). SO, I know when my little application comes across the desk I probably appear to be someone who needs to be trained from start to finish, and I get kicked out of the process without even being considered for an interview. And for those of you who are in-house do you prefer it to firm life? Ups, downs? and do you recommend?

I went in-house at the end of my 4th year from a boutique firm. The best way to get your resume noticed is to have a contact. In my case, my sister-in-law worked at the company (in another division), saw the job post and sent it to me. I then emailed my now supervisor my resume, and the rest is history. In my experience, sending a resume to HR almost guarantees that your resume will be discarded.

I’m a 5th year (former midlaw, now small law) who has been applying in-house and I have gotten some interviews from applying online with no contact. That said, none of those interviews has yet to result in an offer… Not sure if whether it is personality, experience, etc. that is stopping me.

It does seem that it is my cover letter that has gotten me the interviews. I am very careful to outline whatever experience I do have that fits. So in your case, I would certainly mention your work with pipeline easements when applying to companies to which that would be relevant.

Even if you are required to submit through their on-line process, it helps for someone within the company to pass on your resume to the hiring manager. I work at a large company. Our HR department screens all resumes. Frankly, given the volume of submission, this makes a lot of sense. However, you are dependent on HR to put you in the pile of resumes that goes to the hiring manager. If you can bypass that step, it really helps.

I moved in-house after just over 4 years at a firm. I thought the work was more interesting at a firm, but I like the predictability of my hours and the fact that it easy to have a life outside of work now.

I love being in-house. * My hours are predictable. I still work 50+ hours/week but rarely work past 6:30 p.m. and almost never on weekends. The flip side is I feel I have much less flexibility for arrival/departure every day than I did at my firm.

* The work– supporting the business– feels more purposeful than what I was doing at my firm.

* I learn a lot from our business people.

* I get to work on a really broad array of matters, so I’m always doing something new and interesting. This is a function of our legal dept, though; other in-housers are extremely specialized.

* Culture, yay! (Translation: the type of abusive behavior that’s par for the course at many firms is not tolerated here.)

@Wannabe – re your relevant experience, it’s really going to depend on the type of legal group the company has. Many large companies have huge legal groups where the lawyers are highly specialized (e.g., Oracle has a Senior Counsel for European Data Privacy). Other companies, usually smaller but some large, too, have smaller groups where the lawyers are generalists. You probably have a better shot at getting in with the latter because they may be more focused on your willingness to learn than your specific experience. (OTOH, lower-level specialized positions may open up where a company is willing to take on a junior lawyer w/o specific experience– for example, I saw a handful of lower-level positions at MS recently that didn’t seem to require highly specialized experience).

As far as looking for jobs, keep an eye on the job postings at acc.com. I don’t think you have to be a member to search them.

Just wanted to post about last week’s Anne Klein suit of the week. I ordered it, plus three other suits that were on sale at Lord & Taylor. The featured suit is going back–the beige color just did not work on me, as I had suspected. I’m pale with brown hair. My husband told me I looked like I was wearing carpet (love those honest critiques). However, a similar Anne Klein suit in a darker color fit and is a keeper. Thanks Kat–there isn’t a Lord & Taylor in my city, and I’m really pleased with the shopping experience I’ve had with them!

I just graduated law school. Over the past year it’s been: I’ll be happy when I get a job. Check. I’ll be happy when I finish Big Project. Check. I’ll be happy when I finish finals. Check. Now it’s I’ll be happy when I move (end of June) and I’ll be happy when I finish the bar. The finish line keeps moving! Clearly, the problem is in my head. So – coping strategies?

Are you unhappy in the sense of depressed or just dissatisfied or restless?

Assuming not depressed: This is just life… the finish line will always keep moving until you die. Then it is finished. But I do think you should revisit this after the bar. And I can predict what will happen then, based on how I felt about 2 years ago: There will be no more big life goal to strive for, just ongoing “project” type goals. The first few months to a year of this can be hard when you are accustomed to the type of schedule you’ve been on. You may feel alittle adrift, lacking in purpose. Then you will get over it and set new goals that are not educational in nature. You will want to buy a house/take a crazy vacation/get past X trial/get better at Y skill. You will never be done as long as you’re living.

This was me. EXACTLY ME. I kept telling myself “I’ll be happy when…” but despite passing each goalpost, I never was suddenly happy. I was depressed, and getting worse with each passing month without help. I strongly suspect you are depressed. Get thee to a therapist and consider medication. I deeply regret waiting so long to get help, as I was so much worse by the time I finally realized that there were no more goalposts for me to hang all my hopes of happiness, and hit bottom.

This is the story of my life and once I didn’t have a particular goal (real job, degree, bar exam) to work for, it didn’t magically clear up.

Assuming that’s the case for you, I’ve found hobbies with some end product or goal to be helpful — such as crafty things like knitting (I’m going to make a sweater) or goal-oriented physical activity (I’m going to be able to increase how much I lift, or I’m going to bike 100 miles over one month).

Take it one day at a time! I say I will be happy with diferent thing’s over different times. First doing well with school, then getting a good job, then with a boyfriend that adore’s me and want’s to marry me and treat me right, and then with a nice house and children and then going on vacation!!!! Yay!

Good for you for recognizing this and addressing this. I don’t know how to fix it, but you are smart to do so. My former husband was like this. So is my father, who is on his fourth wife and 12 gajillionth business. You don’t want to be like that.

Have you given yourself time to actually celebrate all of the accomplishments you’ve achieved? If the first thing you’re worrying about when you finish one thing is moving on to the next, you’re not going to a great job of letting the joy of accomplishment “sink in.” Take a night off after you finish something and re-focus. You’re not going to ever feel happy in a “I’ve done everything I could have ever wanted!” sense (because then, it’ll be time to retire!), but you should let yourself feel happy in an “all right, I’m on the right track and I’m doing great” sense.

I think it stems from being very goal oriented and it seems to only be a problem if you are unhappy in the present. It’s okay for the finish line to keep moving because that keeps you motivated and continuing to strive for success. However, it is also important to relax a bit and focus on the present and the positive things you have in your life right now. It seems like you you are missing your life go by because you as so focused on the future! Take some time to appreciate what you have now. “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” Sorry, couldn’t resist :)

late to this, but wanted to say i commiserate – i’m five years out from this and i still very clearly remember thinking of all the great things in my life that were going to happen “after the bar exam.” part of it, i think, is that i had trouble visualizing what life would be like during that next stage – or really, what would happen when life wasn’t neatly divided up into stages anymore and i was out of brass rings to grab. turns out it’s just, well, life. and it’s good.

Posted this on an earlier thread but I think I was too late. THE skirt – how does the cotton one hold up? does it get so wrinkly during the day that you really shouldn’t wear it to work? I am in desperate need of a khaki colored pencil skirt and found the cotton No. 2 from Jcrew to get way too many wrinkles for my liking. Also, how does the skirt run? FWIW, I am a size 2 in Jcrew but have long legs. Will the skirt be long enough for me? TIA!

One of the magical things about THE skirt is that it doesn’t really wrinkle. But I think if you change it to cotton, I don’t think that would remain. Plus it wouldn’t be like wearing secret sweatpants.

But, with free returns and shipping, what’s the harm in trying? (Oh, and on my 5′ 3″ frame, THE skirt ends up a bit below the knees, if worn below the true waist.) Not sure about you, but it would probably be okay, its pretty long. But again, never tried the cotton one.

TJ re cell phones and service. I am on the verge of making the leap to a smartphone — I know, I’m very late to the game. It’s like it’s 2009 or something! I’m looking for phone recommendations, but more importantly, I am interested in your takes on various service providers.

Just by way of background, I currently have a family plan (2 phones), 1 for me, 1 for my parents (who take care of our kids, and they’re on a fixed income). I have had Sprint for the past 11 years, and generally been okay with them, but I don’t know if should make a leap somewhere else. I would ideally like to have my own data/messaging plan with really no more than 700-900 minutes, and keep my parents on the plan with no data or messaging. Believe me, they have no interest in those things, so this would not be a hardship. Does anyone have any suggestions/recommendations regarding company or plan? OR, if anyone has a creative solution they would like to share, I am alllll ears. I guess I’m trying to avoid paying $130++ per month, if it’s just me wanting the data. Thank you!

I also meant to say, I don’t need one for work, so there is no compensation offered there either. I would just mainly like to have mobile access to my emails. My husband has one for work, so we do not share a plan.

I love the iphone. I really might be drinking the kool aid but all other smartphones are inferior as far as I am concerned. I try to like them, I play with them when I get the chance, and they are just no where near as good as my iphone, in my very humble opinion.

I have at&t and I can’t say I hate it. For the most part I have no issues. Customer service is great. Coverage is fine most places, but I think this is something that will vary location to phone company. My bill with at&t is actually not that bad (around $100/mo) b/c with a smart phone you don’t need a lot of minutes. I have the lowest permitted plan and with unlimited texts, you get unlimited wireless calling to any number on any plan; plus your minutes roll over month to month. So the 350 minutes or whatever I get ends up just accumulating month to month b/c so few people even have land lines anymore. If you go to the next plan – which is 450 or 500 min – you can also pick your top 5 numbers, land or cell, and call them all you want, which pretty much covers all your bases.

I’ve got Sprint, and don’t have any complaints about the data plan. I believe the Sprint doesn’t have the fastest network, but it’s definitely fast enough. Sprint is also known for not limiting data usage, like the other guys do.

As for plans – I don’t think you have to switch everyone on your family plan to a data plan, especially if no one else has smartphone. You should be able to keep a family plan and just add a data plan to one line. I think it’s something like $15/line for the data plan, but might be a little bit more.

Verizon. I like it. Driod is great, but I’ve heard good things about the iPhones. Tell them that you have Sprint now, but you’re thinking about switching and ask what they can do for you. Checking flyers/paper for an event or promotion helps as well. You don’t need to have data on all the phones, in network calls are free, and they’re normally 2 year contracts. I got 2/3 smart phones for free (mail in rebates… I guess people forget?) and I think we pay about 110/mo for 4 phones, 3 smart phones and 1 regular cellphone, with the smallest amount of minutes.

No dice on interview yesterday. Sigh. Was also rejected for a government position for which I qualified at 105/100. Was beat out by somebody with 10 point preference/my 5 point preference didn’t cut it. Sigh. Wondering when a bone is going to come my way. Feel like I’ve just been battered by the waves for a long time now.

The worst part is that the final round was supposed to be today, and they said they would formally let people know either way by COB yesterday. Of course, nothing. I just waited on the hook all night and assumed when it was 9PM and I hadn’t heard anything that I wasn’t coming in today.

I am keeping all this stuff in mind for if (ha) I am ever in a position to hire somebody. I feel I will go on a personal crusade to make sure everybody is a) informed, b) informed when I say they will be, and c) informed in a respectful way.

Family issue threadjack – my parents are going through a difficult divorce, prompted by my father’s affair. Throughout my dad’s affair, he gave his girlfriend roughly $50k. He has had previous affairs, and I don’t know how much money (if any) he’s given those women. It was a rough time for my mom, and really the entire family, but divorce proceedings started, and I think all of us were looking to move past this. I am extremely disappointed with my father, but have been trying to move past it and will still meet him for brunch, see him at holidays, etc.

My father (who was laid off in 2001 during the tech bubble burst) has been operating a consulting business for the past decade. During this time my mother has fully supported the family (my siblings were still in school/living at home), paid all the utilities, etc. And during all of this time my father has been sending nearly 50k (in small increments) to his girlfriend, rather than help out with the bills. He has apparently been dipping into his 401k to pay his personal (credit card) bills.

I just found out that my dad is not being fair in divorce proceedings. My dad has removed my mother from his health insurance and backdated the change so that she currently does not have health insurance and cannot sign up for a new plan. He wants to give my mom a fraction of the value of his business, despite the fact that she was fully supporting the family so that he could embark on this endeavor. He doesn’t want to give her a percentage of his 401k, despite the fact that she was a stay at home mom for years and therefore not contributing to a 401k. It’s gotten to the point where he’s willing to go to trial (seriously, potentially spending 30k on a trial) to spite my mom. AND he’s asking my mom for alimony because he hasn’t earned enough on his own in the last decade to support himself.

Like I said above, I’ve generally been trying to rise above my disappointment and anger towards my father, and also stay out of all things related to my parents divorce, but I am just floored by what he’s doing. I think I really need to take a step back and not speak to him for a while. Has anyone navigated that with a family member or close friend? If so, any advice on how to communicate that decision to them would be appreciated.

My dad played the same games but wasn’t quite as egregious in his behavior. I stay out of it and I tell my mom that I don’t want to hear about it. I try to be really upfront with my dad about him being a jerk.

For example, my mom remarried pretty quickly (within 3 years of the divorce) and so my dad got out of substantial alimony payments (during the marriage, my dad made 3x more than my mom). My dad then semi-retired and sued my mom for alimony–five years after the divorce was finalized! On my next call with my dad, I said “so what’s up with you suing Mom for alimony?” He man-splained about semi-retiring and expenses. Me: So, you aren’t over Mom, is that it? Him: No, I’m over her. Me: But then why are you suing her? It sounds like you just want attention. If you were over her, you wouldn’t be suing her. Him: more man-splaining about how Mom took him to the cleaners (really, it was a pretty fair split according to state laws) Me: Actually, it was a pretty fair split. I think you’re just being a j*ck*ss. Why don’t you move on already? Him: I am moved on. Me: If you really had moved on, you wouldn’t be suing her five years after the divorce was final. Have you considered going back to therapy? Him: I don’t need therapy. Therapy blah . . . feminists . . . blah . . . man-haters . . . blah. Me: Fine, don’t go to therapy. Just stop being a j*ck*ss.

I think my dad dropped the suit. I didn’t hear anything from either of them about it.

Short paragraph describing ongoing problem. Short paragraph describing our various joint solutions. Short paragraph describing parent’s many broken promises re: jointly-agreed solution. Short paragraph describing my decision (no contact in my home or theirs, willing to meet in neutral location). Love you bunches and wish it didn’t have to be this way.

And then…I fielded many letters, emails, and phone calls telling me what a horrible person I was for taking this position, including many statements that there was nothing wrong with ‘problem’ and that I was being selfish, immature, and overly dramatic. (Also, un-Christlike.) It was classic deflecting technique.

I chose a letter because I wanted to 1) set a precedent for communicating, because that parent still had the power to make me cry, and 2) have a trail for them to re-read once things had calmed down.

For the record, it did help, but not for several years. Where bad behavior had been 8/10, it’s now 2.5/10. That parent knows I will walk away again if I need to. My kids were helpful in this – I never restricted my parent’s access to my children, but when asked “how on earth will you explain this to your children,” I answered, “I am saving our letters and will allow them to read them when they are old enough.” I do think that idea – that grandchildren might look and judge – is what prompted change and thus partial reconciliation.

As you cut off contact, I think it’s important to make it clear to your father that it’s not necessarily because of the divorce – that it’s because of his lack of integrity toward his wife as he prosecutes that divorce.

Uh…bully for him that he wants to do all this stuff, but he’s probably going to have trouble convincing a judge that this is a valid plan. Not to mention the fact that he’s almost certainly violating the court’s pre-trial order.

I’ve never cut off a close family-member. But I’d say go ahead and do it for awhile, and tell him exactly why — maybe it would be a wake-up call.

My father was like this too. I don’t think she can be kicked off the insurance without her knowledge or notification. Even so, the court can force him to add her back on. If she hasn’t raised this in court already, please do. Your mom needs a really good and proactive attorney.

Here’s a fun one… my computer cr*pped out… I can run it in safe mode only. Computer tech person by phone said that all he can tell me without charging me is to backup everything on an external and reformat. I backed up on my external but I do not have windows 7 or 2007 office (they were put on my computer by my last job) so I can’t reformat. Looked online and it’ll cost about $400 to buy the software or about $600 for a new computer with the software. Additionally fun, this comes in the same day as this morning’s fun trip to the car mechanic who showed me that I needed 4 new tires and alignment, costing me about $550.

No real point here I guess but to vent to the maybe 2 people who might read here this late but am super frustrated and feeling sick of the life raining that’s been happening… plus, since I have no tv or stereo or whatnot and I now live solo, the laptop has been my only source of entertainment other than the book I just finished. Guess I’m goin to bed at 8 tonight.

I guess I’m just feeling overwhelmed… between the 2 jobs thing not working out, the car, and now this, I’m kinda shot. add in that I spent 5 days with my mother beforehand and my self-esteem was already pretty eroded. *shakes head* I just sound whiny now, I’m sorry…

I sympathize on surprise car repairs. Hubs took ours in for a quick oil change before he deployed and we walked out with $3000 in repairs. We haven’t had the car serviced in awhile and it turns out there were about a million things wrong with it that we had to get fixed before they turned into something worse.

I feel you too. Liking the saying of, just say FOOEY and move on. I really do want that on a mug.

aw, K! The crazy thing is, I know *exactly* how you feel!!! I’ve had crazy stress, and finally had a plan for this week, and then MY computer decided to freak out on me, so I’ve spent the whole week dealing with it, instead of doing all the stuff I planned to do! Plus, other terrible news I don’t want to get into. All this to say: I know what you are going thru, whine away, if it makes you feel a tiny bit better, sending lots and lots of internet hugs, and ‘when it rains it pours’ really really really s*cks. :o( more hugs.

As Roseanne Roseannadanna used to say: It’s always something, if it’s not one thing, it’s another. Either you can’t get a mortgage or it rains on your zipper. (sorry, a little attempt at comic relief ;o))

somehow, the commiseration -does- super help, thanks. Just spent 2 hrs trying to run every virus and malware scanner I can find for free to see if that makes a difference. Otherwise, I’m not sure what I’ll do since I can’t afford anything, I just drained my meager savings for these tires, but I can’t not have a computer since I need it for job searching, as well as using it as my only tv/movie/music source. I had come to terms with thinking that the Universe wanted me to dance in the rain for a bit (which is why it kept the rain coming), but in this kind of pouring, I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll drown! …and while Roseanne might have a point for the general public, for me, it’s more like, “if it’s not one thing, it’s my mother.” ;)

I know, it is so frustrating, and that gnawing feeling in my stomach when that “bad thing” happens on my computer screen? the mega-worst! plus, the being sooo worried about money. It’s really not fair. But, don’t drown! I’ll keep treading water, if you do, too!

If your hardware is good, I would second wiping and installing Linux, at least until you have the money to get a new OS. It’s free, and some versions—particularly Ubuntu—are relatively simple to use and install. It’s certainly a way to get your computer up and running again, and who knows; maybe you’ll fall in love with Linux.

(Someone above mentioned Finding Nemo and the “Just Keep Swimming” motto—I have to agree, repeating that one helps me sometimes when grad school has beaten me down into the ground.)

I’m there with you – my car (12 years old, 180k miles) had an awful clunk yesterday, and is now out of commission as the stabilzer rod thingie needs to be replaced. Luckily, I have a place than can do it at cost (work connections), but the confluence of [part won’t be in for a few days + they’re busy with more important inspections+holiday] means I will be driving the old family minivan for a week while I wait for it to get fixed.

I know I’m lucky to have the access to the vehicle, and be able to wait for my cheap(ish) fix, but I just want to buy a new car (which I can’t presently afford to do). Which I might be able to afford if I got a new job, which I have been looking for with only a few nibbles. Sigh.

can’t use the library here, they check ID and library cards upon entering and require them for everything. can’t get a library card without an instate drivers license and can’t get that until I have a job here… otherwise I’d be there now…

That is the most intense thing I have ever heard. Doesn’t it kind of defeat the point of the library? Or violate some sort of librarian code of ethics? I can’t imagine the library in NYC without the homeless, unemployed and illegal immigrants as 3/4 of the patrons.

You simply need an Ohio residence and the fee to get a driver’s license. You can prove the address for most places like libraries with a utility bill. And if they’re giving you that much hassle – move out of NE Ohio! It’s a big state and the economy’s better in most of the rest!

That sucks! Are there any little computer repair places near you that could look at your laptop? We have one here that’s just a bunch of geeks who are good at working on computers and they don’t charge a lot.

No that is not true! The key can be reused. People have to do that when their computer crashes all the time. I think that there are limitations as to the number of computers it can be installed on. So obviously if they are not using the sfyware anymore, you can.

The big question is, did you not get a copy of windows with your computer fir just such scenarios?

Sorry I’m posting this so late but if you just need a copy of Windows 7 you can install and use it for 30 days without a key (usually). If you need a copy go to used bookstore and look in the computer section. A lot of the training books for the MS products come with free trial versions (30-120 days depending).

That’s not a perfect solution but it will get you part of where you need to go.