My Bipolar Diagnosis and “The New Normal”

Having bipolar is a game changer, but you still have the power to decide where to set your goalposts for a fulfilling future.

By Robin L. Flanigan

It took a long time for Gretchen to come to terms with having a chronic mental illness. But lately, the 41-year-old from Illinois has been looking beyond her bipolar. With the skills and support to manage her symptoms, she’s ready to make the most of her life and her abilities.

“There’s an end point to ‘I survived the day,’” she says, referring to her post-diagnosis bunker mentality. “Now I’m more focused on what I can do to thrive.

“I’m not necessarily letting go of my struggle with bipolar disorder, but I am learning to thrive inside of it.… I feel more optimistic than I have in a long time.”

In other words, Gretchen has embraced her “new normal.” The phrase describes a foundational shift that creates a new baseline moving forward—which is what happens when bipolar symptoms turn our expectations upside down. Basic milestones like getting a degree, keeping a job, sustaining a relationship, and buying a home can begin to feel out of reach.

A bipolar diagnosis doesn’t mean you have to say goodbye to your hopes and dreams. Mental health experts agree that with patience, commitment, and a plan for setting realistic goals, you can still map out a deeply satisfying existence.

And sometimes, the difficult process of re-evaluation can yield new and more meaningful aims.

“This is really about a process of adjusting and readjusting,” says Holly A. Swartz, MD, associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine. “It might take a little longer, and you might need some accommodation to get there, but it’s reasonable with this disorder to expect that you’ll get where you want to go.”

Letting go

It’s common, and even healthy, to mourn the might-have-been, Swartz says.

“We call it ‘grief for the lost healthy self,’ the process of people adjusting to what they could have become, or would have become, without the illness,” she explains.

“It’s important to take the time, to give oneself the space to be sad before moving on to make adjustments, before thinking about how you can have a really fulfilling life.”

When bipolar symptoms stalled Victoria Maxwell’s television career, she allowed herself a grieving period. She considers that time as a crucial part of her recovery.

“It allowed me to honor the things that I’d been able to do, to cherish them, and also then to be able to move forward,” says the actress from British Columbia, who worked office jobs while she tried to find her feet.

“If I was always hanging on to the past, I wouldn’t have been able to see other opportunities…. When I stopped comparing myself to my old self, my ‘new normal’ became less painful.”

When I stopped comparing myself to my old self, my ‘new normal’ became less painful.

It was clear to Maxwell that she could no longer tolerate the financial instability, unpredictable hours, and frequent rejection of her former life. Once she’d learned the tools to maintain stability, she was ready to explore how she could honor her creative spirit and still stay healthy.

Now 46, she travels as a mental health educator, giving workshops and performing her one-woman autobiographical shows.

“The more I learned to respect and accept my limitations, the more I could transcend them,” she reflects. “It became easier to set myself up for success.” Success can be defined in many different ways. For Gretchen, it can be simply completing everyday chores such as doing the dishes or taking out the garbage.

“One of my favorite quotes of all time is ‘The ordinary can be like medicine,’” she says.

That line by Native American poet and filmmaker Sherman Alexie has become “like a mantra,” she continues. “It seems very plain, but it’s the ordinary stuff that’s gotten me away from behaviors that were more harmful … and allowed me to take better care of myself.”

Keep it real

When it comes to reassessing the future, there’s a Goldilocks principle at work. Lower your expectations too much and you’ll stay stuck. Aim too high and failure is almost certain. The just-right plan balances where you want to go with what you’re capable of right now.

Sheri L. Johnson, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of California at Berkeley, says goals “give life meaning and help people feel that life matters.” Studies suggest that people with bipolar tend to be highly goal-oriented and reward-driven— but not always in a healthy way.

According to Johnson’s research, people with bipolar endorse higher ambitions for external achievements like fame and financial success than those without the disorder.

“When a goal starts to take over someone’s time day or night, takes priority over having good relationships, or costs too much money or energy, that’s when we would worry,” Johnson says.

Goals that are more manageable are more likely to be met. It’s important to recognize when a goal is temporarily out of reach because of bipolar symptoms, or more fundamentally unmoored from reality.

Gene admits he’s prone to “pie-in-the-sky dreams” that frequently change. More than that, major accomplishments set him grasping for more grandiose targets— like Icarus soaring toward the sun, only to tumble into the sea. “When you achieve a high goal, it makes you think you can achieve even higher goals, and you develop this platform of success that can’t be sustained when depression hits and the engine’s not firing on all cylinders,” he says. “Sometimes you need to tone things down a little bit, keep it real.”

The 50-year-old says his ordination as a minister was one of those high points. He was pastor of a country church in Mississippi in 2009 when his behavior spiraled out of control. Within a year, he was living in his car. Gene moved

Gene moved to Florida to live with a childhood friend. He became certified as an educator and is now teaching 7th- and Photo: Courtesy 8th-grade science.

He’s learned that the better he matches his plans to what he can reasonably handle, the better he’s able to function. He’s quick to point out, however, that scaling back doesn’t equate with failure.

There’s a difference between letting yourself down on your goals and deciding to simplify.

Bulbul Bahuguna, MD, a psychiatrist in private practice in Illinois, uses a plate as a metaphor. Imagine responsibilities as food: Too much on one side and it tips, too much on the whole thing and it overwhelms.

Individuals “need to have realistic goals about how much stress they can handle at a time,” Bahuguna says. “They need to prioritize, space things out, and set boundaries. Then they can live up to their highest potential.”

A new path

The potential for inner peace should be considered as well. Bipolar may throw up roadblocks on the path you’ve been traveling, but that presents an opportunity to reconsider your destination. Johnson suggests developing intrinsically motivated goals rather than striving for the typical measures of worldly success.

“Maybe start by being more gentle with, and accepting of, yourself,” she says. “To a certain extent, we all live wanting other people’s respect, but that craving can be more intense if you’re feeling insecure.”

Elaina, a 32-year-old writer from Virginia, felt “defeated” when she gave up her job as style editor at a lifestyle/ celebrity website and, after a decade living on her own, moved back in with her parents. She says cultivating self-compassion changed her perspective.

“I understand now that some things are just out of your control,” she says.

Other early steps in her recovery included learning to trust her medical health professionals and accepting support from family members. She adopted a Bernese Mountain dog so she could be responsible for something beyond herself.

“I named her Hope because I felt like that’s what I needed,” she explains.

Post-diagnosis, her triumphs were modest. She congratulated herself for leaving the house, even if it was just to grab a cup of coffee from the drive-through at Starbucks, then used each small success to build on the next day. These days she maintains a blog and has accepted a seat on the International Bipolar Foundation’s consumer advisory board.

“A good way to set new goals is to look back at the ones you’ve already met,” she says. “A lot of times they’ll be things that, six months before, you didn’t think you could do.”

A good way to set new goals is to look back at the ones you’ve already met. A lot of times they’ll be things that, six months before, you didn’t think you could do.

Reflecting back on positive gains, no matter their size, is critical for the newly diagnosed who “feel they don’t know themselves anymore,” notes Bradley Foster, MA, a therapist in private practice in Toronto.

“A realistic goal for them is to separate who they are from the bipolar disorder. I help them understand they still have a sense of agency. Through that self-knowledge, they can then start to set meaningful goals again.”

Elaina’s dreams include furthering her advocacy work and finding an agent for her memoir. She may be not living the life she once imagined for herself, but she’s at peace with the life she has and the person she’s become.

“Just because I have this illness doesn’t mean I have to feel sorry for myself,” she says, “and I don’t want other people to feel sorry for me, either.”

15 Comments

This is one of the best articles I have read on BP. It is as real as it gets. For several years , I struggled after my diagnosis of BP: Shame, despair,embarrassment, seclusion, poverty. But as time went on, I started a new business and was again able to support myself. Sure there are challenges, but there always have been in reality. While my creativeness and tunnel vision are affected, my knowledge is still there that I have always used to make decisions. I am no longer a wiz kid, but now I am an adult. I am confident in everyone newly diagnosed with BP, you will work through this. Be patient with yourself and let the process play out. Happiness does come.

Goals-schmoals. Only had one survival. That was on top of Mazlos’s triangle. I worked hard just to keep a job through hypomania and depressive episodes to keep that job. I graduated college in four years not knowing what to do got a job and stuck to it.

My goal in life was to make a few friends and have fun. I should have done better at work being bipolar didn’t help being sloppy was worse. I still managed to have fun.

Bipolar definitely took things away from me but I don’t dwell on it I managed to make friends and have a good life, others had it worse. To everyone with bipolar I wish good luck. Life is meant to be lives. Let’s enjoy the good moments of clarity that we get.
When it gets really bad always remember someday it should get better.

I have always been a high goal setter since I was a little girl. In high school I was upset because I got one ‘C’ because the teacher thought I talked too much. I got a ‘A’ on every test and project, I was so upset my mom had to talk to the principal. I still graduated with highest honors and got a scholarship.

I had a very hard time choosing a college I was accepted at private art schools and state university’s. My dad thought it was best I live at home and go to community college at first and I hated it. I began drinking and sexually experimenting and got in my first car accident 2 months after I started. It was severe enough to put me in a deep depression and I tried to commit suicide because after starting CBT thearpy my PCP put me on Zolaft. By the beginning of my 2nd year I was in my first manic state; overspending, hallucinations, paranoia, insomnia, rapid speech etc. luckily my family/friends noticed and I was referred to my first psych and diagnosed with hypomania in 2000 and put on depokote and zyprexa etc to sedate me at home causing me to pull out of college.
I got better and transferred to a state university where no one knew me my junior year. Bad idea another relapse because my PCP diagnosed me with IBS and put me in a anti depressant and it through me manic .. Talk about a rollercoaster of rapid cycling with alcohol. Then I came home tried to work went through multiple jobs got depressed forced myself to throw up at work and my mom had to pick me up and say I quit to my boss, I thought I was worthless. I then went to technical school for video production againa grandiose idea because I wanted to be a graphic artist like my dad but I couldn’t draw but liked shooting photos (I never picked up a video camera though people thought I was crazy paying for classes for something I’ve never done). Well I was good really good at it and went to Vegas for New a years for the first time, this little Minnesota girl got a taste of the world and I wanted more! I came home researched and was accepted to a private film school Columbia College for Film/Tv in LA (yet I never had been to California) I was floored and my dad said no but I said I’m 21 I’ll do what I want. Well I went out there to sign up for classes with college friends and a new co worker for spring break. This co worker met my parents blind sided me and my family/friends and locked me in a hotel room in Santa Monica verbally and physically beat me up till I was unconscious. Bless The Lord the police found me in time. I don’t care who you are with mental illness or not that screwed me up. I didn’t press charges I refused care in LA and my parents got that 2am call from the cops. I was escorted on a plane back to MPLS and cried and threw up the whole flight to find my mother in tears and then rushing me to the hospital for my broken jaw, strained neck from being attacked by a hotel telephone and discs damaged in my back and bloody hands.

I had to drop out of college again I got to a size 4 and I’m 5’7 I was skin and bones. But it didn’t stop my goals and dreams I graduated with two associate degrees from 18 to 22.

I got a job for HGTV as a production assistant out of college. A year later was hired by Target Corporation in Advertising/Marketing as a editor and then the next year promoted to a production manager of video at 23. I built my own townhouse at 25 in MPLS lived alone successfully for 5 years till I was laid off. Not a month later I was hired as the post production supervisor I created and produced shows for Travel Channel, HGTV, DIY, GAC, Discovery Channel, Lifetime and Food Network. I was working with Andrew Zimmern, Giada, Nicole Curtis, Amy Matthews, Sabrina Soto and more TV celebrities. Then I had a mental breakdown supervising over 50 people and had 28 air dates in a month over 50 some tv episodes I was managing and delivering to Scripps Network. I had to take a month off go back to part time, got demoted and sent packages via FedEx sitting next to the person who through me under the bud and stole my job but asked me questions all the time on my procedures I created talk about depression plus my boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me and started seeing a new girl and I lived across the street and saw everything. I tried to end my life again but called my sister for help. I became a cashier at local ‘big box’ store making $7.50 I won’t even tell you my old salary it still makes me gag. I was fastly promoted to run the front end operations and make $11.00 well that couldn’t cut my mortgage I ran out of $ and had numerous past doctor bills from my last breakdown and no health insurance. So I went back to producing video/digital signage for casinos and lost my grandma the week I started. Then lost my best friends sister at 30 the next month I went into a ugly downward spiral. So bad my ex had to clean me up because I mixed prescription drugs and Booz all day long and I got sick all over my house and couldn’t even walk upstairs to my bed he had to carry me. Embarrassing and again thank The Lord for him. I couldn’t work, lost my job, put my house up for short sale and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and gained 40 pounds in 2 months now a size 20. The psychiatric drugs made me worse I didn’t sleep for 3 months. Then I started DBT thearpy, bit the bullet moved back into my parents basement, got a loan for my debt and was a food server at a golf course part time. Again what a blow $8.00 plus tips! Finally 2 years later of up and downs I reinvented myself.

I went back to CBT thearpy worked part time for chiropractor and hosted weddings at a local park. I was happy! Barley being paid but on state insurance finally. Then I got I to a car crash a year ago. Not my fault and the guy who hit me lied about his insurance no damage to his truck but over $4000 on my car and $9000 of medical bills my insurance had to pay. Then I found out my doctor I was working for was having relations with his patients. I walked out and quit and his clinic manager followed me.

I was blessed the next week to get hired by a independent surgeons clinic in a local hospital. I was called back the day after my interview for a receptionist to meet with the CAO. She was floored with my marketing/advertising experience offered me a job on the spot with more money after I learned the clinic ropes and asked me to partner in relaunching their website and I’d get a raise. I accepted, 10 months later a new website was launched with me partnering with a old colleague from my past they already hired before I started. I never burnt a bridge not in this small town of MPLS! Sadly I was diagnosed with a virus and infection this winter that affected my depokote levels and anxiety and fibromyalgia. This week is my first week back in 4 months full time. I’m thankful I have a supportive parents, friends and work. In my redirection I found a new church and a CrossFit Gym also great support teams.

I still live at home continue to struggle with goals, letting go of my past, and my new much smaller finances and I’ve cut back on drinking and stay around people who love me not toxic drama. I have bipolar I, generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD and chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia. These diseases are not going stop my dreams and aspirations they may roadblock me but I’m a fighter with a positive attitude (I need to check it daily) and mindful of my choices that they will affect my schedule and health but it is only up to me to control myself and stay on board with all my treatment, drugs and thearpies.

God gave us one life so I live life like everyday is a new beginning and I finally am taking it day by day.

Believe in hope and have faith in your dreams always and you will be successful in life!

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