One woman asks Dr Petra Boynton, the Telegraph's sex and relationships
agony aunt, about whether she should make her boyfriend's sexual fantasies
come true. Should she act them out?

I asked my boyfriend to share his fantasies with me, which he did. I’d now like to make his fantasy come true. What’s the best way to do this?

For many people fantasies are an enjoyable part of life. They can be arousing, explicit, romantic and more. They may give us ideas about what we’d like from our intimate lives, be a form of escapism, or allow us to imagine things we desire but don’t necessarily want to take further. Some people find their fantasies remain the same over their lifespan, or change in content and intensity depending on their circumstances and experiences.

Contemporary sex advice often tells us, however, that fantasizing isn’t just a pleasurable option. Instead we’re led to believe it’s a mandatory part of a person’s sexual life. Often accompanied by a suggestion that you must always be willing to act said fantasy out. The subtext of such messages is if you’re not prepared to both fantasise on a regular basis and take it further you’re sexually unadventurous. This can distract us from remembering we have a choice whether to fantasise or not - and to what degree.

Some people really get off on their fantasies. Others just aren’t that bothered. Some people are anxious that fantasising about someone else is a form of cheating. Others are concerned that a fantasy could lead to them acting on (or at least having to entertain the thought of) desires they find distasteful or upsetting.

People can be turned on by a shared fantasy because it resonates with things they’re excited by, or gives them ideas for things they’d not previously thought about – but realise they like. Or that aren’t all that arousing for them but the thought of making their partner happy is pleasurable.

Sometimes, however, we might feel we have to act out a fantasy because we believe it will enable us to keep a partner with us forever. Or fear we may lose them if we don’t comply. This might be based on our own insecurities, or something a partner has told us.

Thinking about how you feel about the fantasy is important so you both are equally able to say what you do/don’t want. If you feel this isn’t something you would enjoy taking further think very carefully before offering this option.

If you want to take things further your next step is to ask him what he wants.

Does he want to take things further?

He may have shared a fantasy with you, but for him that may be enough. While he might have enjoyed this experience the thought of taking it any further might be something that is intimidating or embarrassing. And potentially distressing if he feels it has become something he no longer has a say in. Don’t assume. Check first.

If he does want to do more than just talk about his fantasies, what are your choices?

You have many options when it comes to fantasies. You might:

• continue talking about what excites you both

• write or read about the fantasy (either other people’s novels or films, or your own creative writing)

• research the fantasy in more depth before acting it out– does it involve just you two (e.g. dressing up/role play or trying something new sexually) or other people? What considerations do you need to think about and can you find advice from those already exploring similar fantasies on websites, forums, groups etc? This previous pieceabout exploring sexual options may help in this process.

Cleis Press have an excellent range of books including fictional works covering a variety of sexual fantasies, and sex guides that might help you explore new things. Greenery Pressalso produce straightforward sex guides, particularly (although not exclusively) on BDSM/Kink topics.

While this might seem stilted these options are all valid in and of themselves. You might find any of the activities above are a turn on and you can decide at what pace and to what degree you want to explore your dreams and desires.

Will it change things?

You may find that exploring fantasies and having to focus on how you communicate may bring you closer and make you feel more connected. Your fantasies may lead to you and your partner making significant changes within your relationship or they might just be something you think about occasionally.

Some people do find that exploring fantasies can raise questions about their relationship overall – particularly about communication and trust. Others note that acting out some fantasies can raise issues with them, which may or may not be a problem but might be also worth exploring with a therapist if you feel uncomfortable or distressed.

Whatever happens it is worth remembering both of you have the right to stop or change your mind at any time, and that a decision to take things further must proceed at a pace you’re both comfortable with. Exploring fantasies should be pleasurable whether they’re complicated or straightforward. If you feel threatened or worried talk to each other and be prepared to step back or try other things.

Hopefully together you will find new things you enjoy that may or may not be about the fantasy he has shared. And with this I also hope you’re able toinvest in finding other diverse waysto show each other how you feel.