‘What the hell happened to my laptop?!’ (Or: When Mom met Windows 8)

The kids are in bed, Bill’s out playing poker, and the night is young. Momma’s gonna watch some YouTube bloopers! Where’s that laptop …

Bill, what the hell did you do to my computer? You can’t ever leave well enough alone, can you? The faucet’s been leaking for months while the computer’s been humming right along, but which one do you “fix?” Maybe Alice was right about you …

Look at all those squares. This must be that new Windows thing Bill was talking about. Wow, it’s colorful. It doesn’t look anything like the computer. Where’s my Internet? I need my bloopers! Oh, there it is. The “E” is all white now, but it’s kinda the same. I get it. I’m hip.

This MSN thing is just like my Comcast home page. Is Bing like Google? Let’s try it. Y-O-U-T-U-B-E. That worked! YouTube’s right on the top. Let’s click that …

[Hours of YouTube-related fun ensue]

Wow, that last Golden Girls reel was a classic! I have to share this on Facebook. Wait, where are all the bookmarks? There isn’t anything here. How am I supposed to get to my sites? This is stupid. Can’t I just search on the Microsoft’s Google copy for Facebook? How do I get back to that? Where’s the name bar thing?

Seriously, this is getting frustrating. How do I close this thing? There’s no “X” in the corner. Let’s try escape, because that’s what I want to do … Nothing. This is stupid. Maybe if I move the mouse to the top …

Hm. It turned into a hand. That’s weird. Still no name bar though. Maybe if I click …

The hand closed. Now what? The screen gets small if I move the mouse around. That’s weird, too. I can yank it all over the screen! What if I drag it all the way to the bottom?

Hey! I’m back on the colorful squares! I guess that worked, but why they thought the “X” in the corner didn’t work just fine is beyond me.

These tiles are so weird. It’s almost like they’re for some other kind of computer, because they just don’t seem to work quite right on this one. I bet they’re trying to get me to buy one of their new-fangled machines. I don’t want a new-fangled machine! This one is as fangled as I can stand!

Wait a second … that square in the corner … it looks like a tiny version of my old computer, like it’s hiding on there. What if I click that …

I FOUND MY COMPUTER! THERE’S MY INTERNET! It has the name bar! There’s an “X” in the corner! OH, MY BOOKMARKS! Thank Francis! I might not have to divorce you yet, Bill. Now, to post that hilarious video on Facebook and look up my horoscope …

Well, that worked, but why did everything look so square? Actually, I don’t care. I just want Bill to fix my computer when he gets home and make it like before. And then I want him to fix the damned leaky faucet.

Now, how do I turn this off? I don’t see a Start button…

[This story is based on true events, as witnessed by Brad Chacos after he put his mother in front of a Windows 8 machine for the first time.]