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How To Make The Most Of Your College “Social Experience”

Rape Culture. College. Rape Culture. Parties. Rape Culture. Academics. Maybe you’re a freshman joining the BEST SORORITY EVER OMG, maybe you’re a frat boi looking for a good time, maybe you’re always in the classroom, or maybe you just like standing in crowded, sweaty, dark rooms in your free time. Either way, you’ll probably come into contact with the most important aspect of the college experience: Rape Culture Social Life. To help you out, I’m going to give you some of Rape Culture’sBrock Turner’sEli Capilouto’s the best tips to survive any of the various social situations that might pop up in the frat house or around campus.

Make sure you chug your hooch and quickly go back for more. This shows respect and appreciation to your host. Besides, it only tastes like blue Gatorade so it probably not that strong, right?

Always accept any drinks handed to you. Again, this shows respect, and not doing so is a total party foul. Frat bois and other bros are only ever there to make friends, not for any other motive. So take the favor. You don’t want to seem closed off or rude, do you?

Never go in packs. Men often find the gaggle of girls intimidating, so be sure to spend enough time alone walking to and from parties so you seem more approachable. Can’t find your friends at the end of the night? Ditch ‘em! They’re probably being just as social as you, and wouldn’t want you to interrupt anyways.

When you are walking alone at night, make sure you distract yourself so social anxiety doesn’t get the best of you. Literally do not pay attention to your surroundings whatsoever. However, keep your phone in your pocket! Talking on the phone makes you seem closed off so any potential friends won’t want to bother you. Besides, it’s even more fun to be surprised by a new acquaintance on your midnight stroll, than be actively watching out for one.

Alcohol is your friend. It helps you make better decisions and be more social, and guys love that. Drink up!

Feeling awkward and like no one wants to talk to you? Take a cue from tip #2 and get a drink to offer a stranger. Still not feeling confident? Put a little something extra in your alcoholic icebreaker! My favorites are “roofies” and “special k”. This loosens people up and makes it easier to make friends. Heck, you might even get laid!

Are you a professor and can’t seem to translate your confidence in the classroom to social situations? Don’t fret! Feel free to pursue students; it’s harder to say no because of your authority. This technically isn’t allowed according to UK’s code of ethics, but the administration is super chill and just wants to see you succeed in your sexual conquests.

Remember, if you ever feel like you’ve been violated or assaulted, it probably was just a fun night of drinking and roughly twenty minutes of action. Don’t think about it too hard–coming forward could tarnish the reputation of a bright athlete, a trusted professor, or even the university, and by extension our glorious overlord, Eli Capilouto. On the flip side, if you’re facing sexual assault accusations, you can rest easy knowing that Capilouto will protect you and your reputation over any request for transparency and the best interests of the victims, even if you are found guilty during the university investigation.

In all seriousness, be safe in situations involving alcohol and always watch out for yourself and others. If you or someone you know has experienced a sexual assault, or sexual harassment, check out these non-mandatory resources and report systems: