This Blog is Dedicated to the Investigation, Transformation and Correction of the Human Constitution as the Entity of Separation that it has become - to Shape, Manifest and Establish a Physical World and Reality that Ensures a Dignified Life for All Living Things from Birth till Death

Pagina's

donderdag 5 juni 2008

2008 chat and self forgiveness

on the chati dont speakand seeing others speak amongst each other, makes me wonderwhy cant i speak, why dont i speaki dont seem to understand, am i being patheticacting silent so people would notice me firstrather observingwaiting, trying not to speak as reaction rather self expressionbut i go comparing my waiting with andrea or jack or people who are 'more self realised' than me and i think hmmm they speak more they joke around. why dont iwhat is it that i cant seem to have fun or ...i guess i still see fun as something to be experienced in a group of people

bernard was on chat, but i missed himi noticed later, he said something towards me he said that my writing seems to be assisting me bigtimeand i felt warm when i noticed that bernard gave me notice.then i experienced something weird in me as me, like him in me. but it wasnt me, it felt kinda uncomfortable, so it must be my mind. but it was so real.i thought maybe it s bernard standing in me as me. ...but why?why would i need that?maybe just me saying i separate bernard from me by thinking i need himnot trusting meand now i feel good about what i write, because bernard gave me confirmation so i m writing from a feeling .

i forgiv emyself for acceptin gand allwoingmsyelf to make a mental picture in my mind of bernard based on what i ve read about him, as spoken by hitler or winged or other dim beingsi forgiv emyself for acceptin gand allwoingmsyelf to separate myself from bernard by wanting attention from himi forgiv meyself for accepting and allowingmyself to see bernard as the leaderi forgiv emyself foraccepting and allowingmyself to think that a group needs a leaderi forgive myself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to see desteni as a group and bernard as the leaderi forgiv meyself for accepting and allwoingmsyelf to think bernard is better than me and i should try to please him or be like himi forgiv emyself for accepting and allowignmsyelf to like it when i see that bernard gives me a compliment or says my namei forgive myself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to see bernard as better than everyone elsei forgi vemyself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to want bernard to see me while i go in my life so i may feel approved of constantlyi forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to want to follow bernards lead and placing my self responsability in his handsi forgiv emyself for acceptin gand allowingmsyelf to think that a being standing in and as me can be experienced as unpleasant or intrusive unless i allow myself to experience myself in that wayi forgiv myself for not accpetin g and alowingmyself to realise that only the mind consciousness system can be intruded and influencedi am life and can not be influenced because i am stable

speaking of whichi m feeling weird nowi am hereand there s stuff happening around metv is on mom infront of it cat is miauwing and licking his pawme typingbut it s as if understanding is gone, or i m being influenced by something i m not aware ofam i in my mindi feel kind of fear....i m imagening myself this what i write being judged thru eyes of desteni forum members...as an escape to not have to realise myself here fullybecause of fear of the unknowni d rather feel good about myself , within the approving eyes of the image of bernard and desteni forum members i have in my mindjudging ,yeswho am ihere?i am one and equal to bernardi am one and equal...i feel some kind of weird exitement in my genital area and my throat, unclarity'of mind'

i forgiv meyself for accepting and allowingmyself to define myself according to what i am doing right nowi forgi vmeyself for accepting and allowingmyself to define myself according to what bernard said to mei forgiv myself fo racceptin gand allowingmsyelf to define myself according to the reaction i experienced towards what bernard saidi forgiv eyself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to feel exitement towards bernardi forgi veyself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to feel arousal towards bernardi forgiv emyself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to be influenced by bodily sensationsi forgi vmeyself for accepting and allowingmyself to think i m going really fast in processi forgiv meyself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to like to think i m going really fast in processi forgiv meyself for accepting and allowisngmyself to feel better than everyone by thinking i am faster and more insight ful than them, which is reinforced by what bernard saidi forgive myself fo raccepting and allowing myself to want to go fast in process so i can feel speciali forgive myself fo racceptin gand allowingmsyelf to think i dont know who i am anymorei forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear my surroundingsi forgi vmeyself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to define myself according to what my human fysical eyes seei forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing msyelf to want bernard to read this and again 'think that my writing is assisting me very welli forgive myself for accepting and alllwoingmsyelf to want bernard to notice mei forgiv meyelf for accepting and allwoingmsyelf to want others to think about mei forgiv emyself for accepting and allwoingmyelf to place myself outside of myself by trusting what my eyes seei forgi vmyself fo r accepting and allwoingmsyelf to feel confused about what my eyes seei forgiv eyself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to feel separated from what my eyes seei forgi vemyself fo r not accepting and allowing me to realise that i am not here, i am hiding in my mind consciousness system because i fear something , because i dont want to realise something about methat s why i keep thinking about what i m writing , thinking about bernardbecause i fear self realisation, i fear realising i am alone and bernard is just a picture in my mindthat my system as who i ve allowed myself to become needs to sustain itself, confirmation, a pillar to build ona link to the world of systems

i forgive msyelf for allowingmyself to fear realising myselfi forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to fear realising myself as aloneall onei forgi veyself fo rallowing myself to fear the image i ve created in my mind of what it meens to realise myselfi forgive myself for not allowingmyself to realising that who i am as self realisation has nothing to do with fear or an image, nor with others as comparison as images as the mind as who i ve allowed myself to becomei am not feari am herewithin this momentas the living word as life within myselfi am no thought i am no emotion i am nofeeling