Meanwhile, laying right next to me is my boyfriend. He looks like this:

I know what you’re thinking. I’m lucky, right? I know.

Not only does my model boyfriend look like a model, my friends look like this:

I never sought out to have friends with such perfect bodies. Quite the contrary actually. As an FFK (Former Fat Kid) I’ve always identified as a fat person. But for some reason when I grew up all my friends became hot skinny people. This could be for many reasons. Maybe it’s because I am a terrible, superficial person. Maybe it’s because I live in a city and people who live in cities get skinny from running all over the place and going on trendy diets. Perhaps it’s because of my educational background at Ivy League schools, where everyone was obsessive compulsive about everything, from their grades to their caloric intake. I have no idea why everyone around me is so skinny. Sometimes I resent it because I tend to be the chunkiest person around and I’m not even fat. Sometimes I appreciate it because it inspires me to keep in shape and think of kale as an acceptable meal replacement. All of this will lead to me living a longer, healthier life, aside from the mental anguish that comes with not having perfect abs.

For full disclosure, this is approximately what my body looks like right now:

I’m not showing you this because I want you to tell me how gross/amazing I look (please don’t). I’m showing you this because intellectually I know I actually have a pretty normal body. Put me in an airport in Iowa and I’m pretty much the skinniest person there. But I am fat by West Hollywood standards. Gays in major cities live in a warped bubble where we are freaks if we don’t somehow magically look like underwear models.

I, like many Gays, have a terrible relationship with my body. You know why? Because I’m a Gay. Why do Gays hate their bodies? Allow me to explain in list form.

Why The Gays Hate Their Bodies

By Orlando Dumond Soria

1. Because we are surrounded by images of perfect bodies.

Because men are inherently superficial and inferior to women, we rely on visual cues for arousal. Marketers know this and they use hunky pictures of gay men to get us to do stuff. Like go to clubs, buy underwear, and drink more alcohol. This teaches us that we are only having fun if we look like models. Which is probably true.

2. Because we compare ourselves with our partners.

Same sex couples compare themselves with one another. It’s a one-to-one comparison. Comparing a boyfriend’s body with his girlfriend’s body is like comparing apples and oranges. Comparing a boyfriend’s body with a boyfriend’s body is like comparing apples and apples. And nobody wants to be the apple that’s a weird ugly shape and lacks the ability to get a proper tan.

3. Because if you’re a gay guy with a boyfriend, this is what he sees every day in the locker room:

I’m not kidding. You should see my gym’s locker room. Everyone is a model. Straight girls: imagine if your boyfriend went into a room full of hot, naked girls every day after he worked out. Would that not, like totally freak you out? Gay guys are pretty good at not ogling each other in the locker room (this conditioning comes from trying not to look gay in high school locker rooms). However, there are naked dudes all over the locker room. Naked dudes with perfect bodies. Trust me, your gay boyfriend has taken a peek at those perfect bodies and he’s comparing you to them. Which is terrifying because they’re perfect. I’m getting scared just thinking about it.

4. Because these are our most cherished community leaders:

(He’s a bartender).

5. Because gay people are more successful than other people, which makes them more competitive, with each other, which makes them more competitive about what their bodies look like.

Let’s face it, Gay people are better at life than straight people. They eat better, wear better clothes, and go on more glamourous vacations. I don’t really know why, it’s just a fact of life. But with this great privilege comes a great burden. Not only do we have to make tons of money to pay for all these stupid clothes and vacations, we also have to work out for hours on only 80 calories a day to prevent ourselves from being socially ostracized.

6. Because we are always running around with our shirts off.

I have no idea when it happened, but at some point shirts stopped being an option at Gay parties. When so much of socializing is done sans shirt, it heightens the pressure to be totally skinny.

Sidenote: I saw this image about six years ago and I have never been the same since. It speaks to me on so many levels. Oh, that I were that towel, being waved in the wind by those caramel hunks. Dreamz.

7. Because of fear.

Brian Moylan over at Gawker cites fear as the number one reason gay men have such hot bodies. Fear of being alone. Fear of being rejected. Etcetera. While I agree with this wholeheartedly, I think fear can be used as an explanation for pretty much every single thing in the whole world. The only reason I do anything at all is fear. Fear of being homeless. Fear of being a failure. Fear of alienating everyone in my life by going too far with my love of 80s fashion. If I wasn’t completely petrified of everything, I’d never get out of bed in the morning.

8. Because all our friends look like Ken Dolls.

There was a New York Times article a few years ago about how people with skinny friends tend to be skinny. This article affected my former roommate so tremendously that she watched me intently every time I ate something, fearful that I might eat too much and get fat, therefore causing her to gain weight. I believe there is truth to this theory. If you’re constantly surrounded by people who workout and eat lightly, you’re going to end up just as skinny as they are. It’s like a positive version of peer pressure where everyone ends up looking like Malibu Ken.

9. Because our most cherished teachers look like this:

(He’s a personal trainer).

10. Because we have nothing better to do.

Because of all their money, intelligence, and free time, Gays love hobbies. Being manic about our bodies is just another activity to add to our list of Gay Cruises, hipster-indie concerts, and gallery openings.

That concludes my list of reasons Gays hate their bodies. I hope my overwhelmingly bitter and insecure tone didn’t make me seem bitter and insecure. I’m actually not that annoyed that I hate my body (the hatred keeps me energetic and vibrant). However, I do think we need to take all of this body mania with a grain of salt. I appreciate that Gays are so body-oriented because it forces us all to be really physically fit, which leads to a happier life with more wardrobe options. Ultimately our body dysmorphia is a good thing which will force our community and outlive our straight peers and take over the world.

Like this:

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520 Responses to Why The Gays Hate Their Bodies

I know the feeling, even though I am straight, I recently went to Las Vegas and felt fat as a cow. Everyone takes care of their bodies, not here in Texas (well where I live). This makes sense. But, we all have insecurities, we need to embrace them. Ricky and his boyfriend are so cute hot!

I’m not convinced that this is a uniquely Gay condition- it’s a universal condition- I believe a human being’s greatest need or wish is to be Accepted. And the fear is Fear of being truly Authetic. I have it to a degree and so does every person I know… But gays are still the most ostracised, so no wonder you guys try so hard to compensate.
All I can say is I’m really impressed with your article and your courage in writing it- and I can’t wait for the day that we can just be ourselves- and absolutely DELIGHTED with Who We Are. Yeah!
Ps. I love my gay friends soooo much just wish they could see what I see 🙂

Doris, I live in Las Vegas and I have to assume you must not have stayed on the strip? If you had you surely would have been horrified at some point in your escapades when you suddenly realized you were surrounded by a pack of carnivorous fanny packing, “we comb your hair when you can wear a hat?”, wildebeests that may resemble human beings of the American variety. Do not be fooled Doris, these creatures are dangerous and dress horribly/possesses many chins

addendum: cause we toggle between narcissism and shame; when we’re narcissus-bound, we feel like Pericles (or, Narcissus I suppose) and try to get our outsides to match. when we’re shame-bound, we feel like the troll guarding the bridge from the billy goats gruff and so we try to change our outside to hide our insides. either way; mirrors = the enemy.

I love that people like CHRISTOPHER defend this as being humorous and ironic. First of all people look up the definition of irony, one of my biggest pet peeves is people who don’t use the word IRONY correctly. Secondly since when are body issues and the stereotypes perpetuated by our own community something that should be given a HUMOROUS spin? This article is disgusting the the “writer” (and I use that term loosely) is obviously sharing something about himself in this article even if it is trying to be in the guise of humor.

Sort of vapid, but partly true. I know it was written to be humorous, but there are a lot of hurting guys out there…so for them:
Best advice for anyone made to feel so terrible about themselves is to find new friends or community. What others think of us and how they treat us does matter and no man is an island. So surround yourself with positive, kind, encouraging people (gay or not) who care much more about you than your appearance. May sound trite, quaint, and Mayberry, but there are kind, wonderful people wherever you go. Makes friends with the elderly whom society scorns and hides away in homes and assisted-living communities, learn from their lives about things that truly matter and make a difference. Volunteer and help save animals. They will love you unconditionally no matter your appearance, a model for how we should treat each other.
Make peace with your body and love it for the amazing thing it is. Run a race, do yoga, eat healthfully, respect it and do fun, active things and it will look as it should (maybe not like an underwear model or go-go boy, but are you either?)
And don’t live in fear! Living in fear and letting it motivate everything you do in life sucks all the joy out of any endeavor, especially a relationship. Find someone who loves you when you’re tubby! Maybe hard in Weho. Body dysmorphia is rampant in our culture and treated cavalierly but I would look into professional counseling and therapy as it may prove highly beneficial and lead to finding lasting happiness.
Don’t make your role models and social leaders bartenders and personal trainers unless they are thoughtful, kind, intelligent, inclusive persons with character, grace and humility. Otherwise I guess just enjoy their nice abs as you would beautiful flowers or art, with admiration, not with a possessive craving or narcissistic competitiveness.
Seek to live a life of quality and depth. Move if you have to. Dis-identify with the inane and useless parts of our bizarre, pre-established sub-culture and embrace the parts that are worthy like advocating for equal rights or helping marginalized LGBT persons.
Stop looking in the mirror for fulfillment and complaining about genetics. Live from your heart with an attitude of gratefulness for health, (if you have it), or anything good in your life, (no matter how small), and be a person of substance, maybe even a leader in our community who stands for something more than being sexually idealized.
Some men are only a big as their muscles. Others are as big as their heart.

I’m drunk and probably only semi-coherent, but I stumbled upon this and am touched/touching myself.

CJ- truly beautiful. The bitch of comedy and poking fun is the undercurrents of odious truth. They say comedians are the most depressed. The article is hilarious. And clever. And Orlando I’m sure weho is treating you well enough. that’s all anyone can ask for in our community as it exists now. to be treated well enough. even those of us with best intentions somehow tread all over others.

our community is set up as a hierarchy where you are either beautiful, young, connected, a breakthrough talent, quirky/weird/out there enough, famous, or politically savvy enough to make a name for yourself or you are nothing. there is no normal, average in our community. normal stays at home feeling shitty or goes to straight bars with straight friends because they never found a niche. luckily they are somehow the cool kids at the straight bars, oftentimes all of a sudden the skinny ones or the pretty ones or trendy ones.

getting old sucks. I’m not even 30 and still totally attractive and yet can’t help but feel the pendulum swing against me. it’s harder to maintain the six-pack, tan, and perfectly tousled hair when the muffin top, nose hair, and widow’s peak start to grow.

CJ, if this had been his conclusion, I’d have liked the article a whole lot more. But his a raging fat-phobe. Your comments deserve to be a published article in its own right. Or better yet, team up with marcusmillsrealty (who commented below) and write an article with retorts and reparations. You both have some worthwhile solutions.

Beautifully put, CJ. As someone in their 50s, I watch my weight and exercise more for the benefit of staving off diabetes and other heath issues that are risky. I also get the benefit of feeling like I’m still in my 30s and looking good. We all have to learn to accept ourselves but also seek to make the best of our potential at whatever level suits us. As someone who lived through the ravages of AIDS as a survivor–poz over 30 years now–I saw many friends and lovers who lost their physical beauty to disease and had to cope with that impact on their self-worth, so I know the danger of placing our value only on the external package. It’s more a journey than a destination, but important to always keep that in mind.
Bart L

Amazing comment.
It makes me very sad to read that the author lives in fear. Fear, while an amazing motivator, is not an emotion to be lived in. Learn to love yourself for whoever or whatever you are and everything else will fall into place.

I couldn’t agree with this more. While it isn’t true that all men with muscles have the emotional and intellectual depth of a puddle, there are a lot of us that get so caught up in this, that they focus on the outside, rather than what is really important.

I find that if a person who is physically beautiful, isn’t a good person, they become ugly in my eyes.

At the same time, I am no better than this author, because I too, look in the mirror and lament about how fat I am (in Gay terms). But what stops me from living a life completely based on a diet book, is that I enjoy eating. I love it. So, I’m not going to limit my life just because an underwear model doesn’t want to sleep with me.

Because the truth is, that if a man wants to cheat, he will. The shape of your body won’t matter.

As someone who lost over a hundred pounds and enjoyed the feeling of being skinny then moving to la going to weho and feeling fat again i can totally relate to this article even down to the fear of 80’s fashion overkill..great article

I would cite ‘ego’ as one of the reasons that us gays tend to be obsessed with our bodies. I feel that most gays enjoy being oggled at, but as soon as they notice someone oggling at them, they may look away or give a nasty look back. I am guilty of this as well. There is a sense of security in feeling like one of most attractive people in a room…

Given how many beautiful underwear models/porn stars/bartenders at the ‘top’ of our food chain end up committing suicide, I would say that there is only a ‘false sense of security in feeling like one of the most attractive people in the room.’ All of that beauty is masking the feeling of ugliness that is so deep rooted (thanks to churches or families or, gasp, the gay community itself, that there aren’t enough gym routines in the world to ever be free of it. And so the only option is suicide. Actually, there was another option all along – namely, rejecting the entire notion that physical beauty rules anything – and a quick look at Congress or at corporate CEOs confirms that success is predicated on a balance in life – physical beauty is but a small portion of ultimate success and those who don’t develop ANY other aspect is the equivalent of a one-legged table that will eventually fall over because it is ultimately completely useless.

i CAME OUT AT A VERY EARLY AGE. i HAD 9 SIBLINGS AND AFTER HIGHT SCHOOL I JOINED THE ARMY. WHERE I REALLY CAME OUT WITH AVENGENCE. i MOVED TO ca IN 1980. aND SANFRANCISCO WAS THE GAY MECCA OF THE COUNTRY. SO THATS WHERE I LET MY HAIR DOWN. tHREE YEARS I STARTED SHOOTING CRYSTAL METH WITH MY LOVER AND FRIENDS,……SHARING NEEDLES. SO LONG STORY SHORT I WAS INFECTED WITH HIV., THOUGH AT THE TIME, IT WASN,T EVEN KNOWN AS AIDS. AT THAT TIME IT WAS THE HTLV3 . IT WAS A MANDATORY BLOOD TEST THEY WERE DOING ON ALL GAY MEN THAT WENT TO A FREE CLINIC TO BE TREATED FOR AN STD. IMOVED BACK TO CT. IN 1990. TWO YEARS LATER I CAME DOWN WITH PHENOUMA. AND WAS TOLD I WAS FULL BLOWN. MY LIFE HASN,T BEEN THE SAME. I LIVED THE GOOD GAY LIFE IN CA TILL I MOVED BACK HOME SURROUNDED BY WHERE YOU GREW UP, WITH MY BROTHER AND EIGHT SISTERS. iHAD TO RESIGN FROM TRAVLERS, WHICH IS WHERE I WORKED. MY POINT IS TO NEVER GIVE UP. IV,E LIVED WITH FOR ALMOST 35 YEARS NOW. AND IM CLOSER TO MY FATER NOW THATBEEN. MY ONLY BROTHER DIED AT 49, AND HERE i STILL AM. MY INFECTIOUS DEASISE DOCTORS CONCIDER ME A WALKING MIRICLE. aND SAY iM A POSTER BOY, FOR SO
sAIDS. IM SORRY, IGOT SOME OF THE DATES WRONGL I MOVED BACK TO CT. IN 1990

From one FFK to another: Thank you for capturing the sentiment that I, and so many others, have a very difficult time explaining to people outside of our bubble. The bubble is fabulous for so many of the reasons you cited; but it is also a trecherous land of ego-deflating judgement. Nonetheless, I wouldn’t trade it for any place else!

Ha! I love how I find this in the middle of my search for a gym…because in the gay world being slim is not enough. I need muscles! And then I can be right there with you when they gays take over da planet.

I am going to have to argue with generalization number two. For men (not just capital-G men), getting and staying fit reverts back to the cavemen ability of killing the moose and bringing home the bacon (if you will). Thus straight women finding muscle power attractive in a potential mate. For me, I had a more rigorous work out routine when I was single to keep up with the WeHo debutantes and bulge out in the singles scenes. Now, that I’ve attracted a mate, I only go to the gym because I like how it makes me feel (and how it makes me look is a welcomed side effect). I never compare myself with my partner, in fact, we are the worst at getting each other to indulge in pints of ice cream.

I have to agree , my spouse(male) have been together for 6.5 years and we don’t compare our bodies or wealth with each other. We do however are fit and active in and out of the gym. We love the mental health factor and the secondary physical appearances too. I personally love the gym and running for the fact that it does help with my depression that runs in my family. It is the one thing before medication that had a huge positive impact in my mental outlook. Yes there are times that I look at the other hot male physics but I’m not dying to be a weho drone. You are conditioned to your surrounding, my surrounding is not weho where your life is and only that for the majority who live there, but do what makes you happy.

This is the shallowest, most pathetic piece of vapid dribble I have ever read. You most certainly do not speak for all of “The Gays”…gay men are a cross section of ALL men. You speak only for the shallow, empty, surface-dwelling, insecure trash that people with whole personalities and fully-formed intellects disdain.

You are going to be a disaster when you’re not young and pretty anymore.

good lord THANK YOU. while the writer of this crap whittles all gays to a superficial stereotype, maybe he should get some self confidence and find a circle of friends that don’t resemble a gaggle of Bravo cliches. “Because of all their money, intelligence, and free time, Gays love hobbies. Being manic about our bodies is just another activity to add to our list of Gay Cruises, hipster-indie concerts, and gallery openings.” Jesus. you keep perpetuating this crap.
“Let’s face it, Gay people are better at life than straight people. They eat better, wear better clothes, and go on more glamourous vacations.” this constitutes being “better at life??” you’re a miserable, self-loathing guy who needs a new barometer to measure the things that matter. this article is stupid, shallow and frankly sad.

Amen – how did this vapid superficial queen go to an Ivy League school? This is badly written and evidence of severely misaligned priorities. This article makes me want to puke. Not to mention, if you look like that picture – including your face, you need to shut the f*ck up about your insecurities or see a psychiatrist for BDD (body dysmorphic disorder)….and rewrite your priority list – which is way out of whack & being dictated by outside sources rather than coming from within. If you’re so gay, you should’ve watched an Oprah show in the last 25 years & learned some of this. It’s really pathetic to have such a pretty outside (and a “perfect” bf) and such an insecure twat — and all the queens posing here agreeing with you saying “OMG that’s exactly how I feel” – grow up! There is more to life than being a vapid superficial body queen. And since you are – and have a great BF – GET OVER IT! As the non-caucasian guy posted below… you are in the position to change this (which isn’t even necessary but IS changeable). You can’t change the other physical appearance obsessed traits in the gay community like race or penis size.

I dunno… would you chastise a woman for thinking this way about herself even though she was pretty? I do agree that perhaps he should look into casting a wider net when looking for friends in the city (I mean, I have larger friends in addition to the MetroWeekly models NY seems to breed), but even though I repeatedly am told by people that I’m skinny and by the guys that I date that I’m muscular, I still kind of look at them with this same grim disbelief. I even had to restrain myself from putting the word muscular in quotes.

Sense of humour, people! And, at the very centre of this article lies a bit of truth. I don’t care if you are the most wholesome fag around- which I consider myself- there’s always a sense of dread for not being as buff and good-looking as others, as we may not attract a partner. And then again, grab a sense of humour! Sheesh!

Anyone with a ‘whole personality’ and ‘fully-formed intellect’ does not have ‘disdain’ for people that are different than themselves. Get over yourself.

That being said, all sorts of people have issues with their bodies, and this article is very accurate. Just because you think someone is shallow, doesn’t mean they are, it just means your a judgmental douche.

Yes, people with a with a ‘whole personality’ and ‘fully-formed intellect’ can have disdain for others – like republicans, child molesters, nazis etc… yes, people are able to judge and dislike others even if they are open minded.

This article is very accurate? For who? The small population of body obsessed queens? Ok fine then.

And “shallow” is not as relative as you want it to be. This bitch is shallow – period. Saying this is not being a “judgmental douche” – it’s a basic observation straight from the definition of the word.

I’m still digesting how I feel about it, but my first instinct is to feel indignant too. I feel like it makes light of a real issue and lumps all gays (especially FFKs) into one category…like we all have the same annoying beautiful friends and have the same shallow standards and all have, quote, “nothing better to do.”

Big problem with this article: it equates “the gays” with “young metropolitan scene gays”. Try applying this image with queer community groups from small or medium size towns, University groups, non-‘scene’ bars, gay geeks, and a whole whackload of others. My partner –who is a very handsome, but very geeky guy– and I are sick of always feeling like we don’t fit into ‘the gays’, when there are so many of us out there who DON’T belong to this narrowly defined sub-demographic.

Guess what? I don’t know any bartenders. I have no desire to see a trainer. And I’m still pretty damned “gay”: musicals, fine dining, art on my walls, flowers on my table. And I DON’T hate my body, even though I have a bit of flab, skinny arms, and am starting to lose my hair at 26 — to grow shoulder hair instead.

So take your vodka tonics, tank tops, treadmills and shove it! You and your friends do not define the entirety of The Gays.

The average gay man is, somewhat unsurprisingly:
– average weight
– average looking
– average financially *
– average in nearly every other regard

But,
– likes dudes / cock

If I were to make the same generalizations as the author, I’d be saying all gay men look like lumberjacks, that they mostly work in computers/tech or retail, and that they don’t care what your body is like. But I know better than to think that’s the whole story, probably because my gay milieu doesn’t get depicted on TV and is subject to less strategic marketing.

For those pointing out that this is supposed to be funny, you’ll have to forgive the nay-sayers for being mega bored with humor this boilerplate / problems this banal. Orlando knows that his problem isn’t his body, but it’s also not really the pressures which he elects to surround himself with. It’s plain old self-absorption. Almost no one really likes their body, but most of them do not rank it highly as one of the problems in their lives.

* (Peeve: The “fact” that gay men make more money was first fabricated by an anti-gay family research institute in the 80’s. But glossy gay mags seized on it (ads $$$) and repeated it constantly in the 90’s. It’s been disproven repeatedly but thanks to glib pronouncements from gay yuppies it will never go away. The author lives in the US. Poor gay men exist in the US in the same staggering proportions as poor everybody does, but they are disproportionately the people who are really affected by lack of equality and protection. So don’t make them invisible.)

Tongue and cheek huh? I don’t think so. The blatantly (attempted) “funny” or sarcastic comments are obvious…but the overarching body obsessed point is not a tongue-and-cheek joke. This person (who has body dysmorphic disorder based on his picture) really believes that the most important thing in the world is his body…and provides his supporting “evidence” from within his narrow lens of perception from his superficial gay bubble. I hope he doesn’t get any actual disease or other true problem in his life & realize what his priorities should be. Actually, I take that back – I hope does.

Whoa… Calm down. The guy wrote a light-hearted piece, which to my mind does a pretty good job of explaining urban gay men’s obsession with our bodies. (And I think there’s enough evidence that is a fair assertion.) He certainly didn’t insult anyone, and expressed no disdain of anyone. He simply tried to explain why he and a whole lot of other gay men (of which I’m one) are body obsessed. I’ve got a lot of respect for a writer who is willing to publicly discussed his or her insecurities. And if that irritates you go read something else and quit hurling childish and churlish insult at a guy you don’t know.

It amazes me how this “body hatered” is so common between gays, all over the world. I’m from tel aviv, Israel and I share the exact thoughts and feelings. It’s a huge comfort to know that I’m not the only one. It feels like a second outing! Gush! Love you so much for this text. And yes – you are gorgeous ans super hot so shut th F up bitch! 🙂 xoxo

Trust me honey, women have the same problem. I think everyone does (unless you actually ARE an underware model….and even then, who knows what is going through their heads?!) You are gorgeous, believe me!

While taking this with the grain of salt I’m imagining you intended, I noticed you mentioned WeHo, which may be part of the problem (along with LA in general), if that’s where u live. Not to do that whole nauseating SF vs. LA thing, but it seems there is a much more tolerance, sexualizing even, of a large range of body types, among gay men in SF. Sure there are plenty super-body-conscious gym bunnies in SF, but many of them actually socialize (& sexualize?) with guys who don’t necessarily look just like themselves. Hot is Hot! And there are a lot of different kinds of hot going on up here. And there’s a lot of inter-mixing of the hotness. Yay. (And, beyond just shirtlessness, there is, of course, San Francisco’s famous tolerance for nudity of all types, but that’s another discussion altogether.)

(BTW, other than your own pic, I thought most of the guys you posted were kinda “ewww!”)

[Full Disclosure: Commenter is a hairy, overweight (SaFK or Still a Fat Kid) 47yo gay male who is perhaps too apt to take off his shirt in public, as he is an overconfident, egotistical Leo-type & lives in the protective bubble of the SF Bay Area.]

It may *seem* that way, but your experience as a 47 year old gay man in SF is completely different than that of a 20-something or 30-something that doesn’t identify with the bear community. I have never felt under more pressure to be skinny, and I mean really skinny, than I do here in SF.

Aw Josh, I’m really sorry to hear that. Maybe you should look for some other people to hang out with. Many (of not most) of my friends are also in their 20’s & 30’s. And while some may identify with the “bear community” (whatever that really is; I consider myself post-bear — HA), as many do not. And these friends run the gamut from very skinny to very, um, not skinny. And I see a lot of friendship that seem to transcend body type/size within those age groups. Hopefully u can find a group of friends who want u to be whoever YOU want to be.

Seriously, people. It’s pretty impossible to be a young person and not compare yourself with other young people, even if you’re okay with your body (and, everyone, even if you’re okay with your body, you still compare, you just don’t feel bad after.)

This is compounded in a major city, which tends to attract metropolitan types, many of those who are actors, singers, models & athletes (all jobs with pretty vapid body distinctions) and people who like to sleep with actors, singers, models & athletes, so they make themselves look like actors, singers, models & athletes. That makes it so much harder if you don’t exactly love the way you look.

Look at the pants on the hipsters in SF (bear with me). No person in their right mind would wear pants tighter than tights. I’m not talking about normal skinny jeans- the guys there (gay and straight) wore pants oh-so-tight, & always with a flannel shirt that I was convinced was hiding the moose knuckle to end all moose knuckles. I’m not kidding, and this seemed to only be a bay area thing. I was totally out hipstered in SF while wearing American Apparel. My tightest pants might as well have been gauchos. This is terrible, but it definitely crossed my mind after a while there that perhaps my skinny jeans were inferior skinny jeans. I groaned at myself too. But peer pressure makes most people try to assimilate. It just happens.

Some people look around and see people. Others look around and see lives they could have other than theirs. Just because you’re the first (and obviously, better) type of person doesn’t mean you need to ream the second type.

I live in SF as well, 28,PhD student, and over the years have lost 20 pounds here and there. I agree that SF is more tolerant then LA. I still feel that body obsession is still very common. Some of us don’t mind a little belly, but I have met guys who only date other “athletic” men. I work out a lot and watch what I eat but I don’t have a 6-pack. Im fine with that but I feel the dating scene can be hard in SF, because thats what many guys my age want. Its frustrating at times as I wish guys would give me a chance instead of want to see what my waist size is. Gay men don’t understand that some men are genetically more prone to have a thin body frame and easier time toning up then others. Sexy does not mean skinny, and when gay guys understand that more fully and can accept it, then maybe so many of us won’t be single anymore.

Matthew, if you’re a PhD student, forget guys who look for the 6-pack. You’re fit, likely handsome and damn, you’re a PhD student. You should know by now that being single is not a disease. For some, it’s bliss. Embrace you and perhaps you might accept yourself enough to attract like-minded people. You deserve more than dipshits who can’t see past looks.

Velvet Rage is a pretty good one, but there are many books that pick up on the fact that many gay men, like many others for various reasons, don’t have a positive sense of themselves in any respect, and don’t know how to develop one. I was amazed that the 25 yo kid who came over yesterday for a little fun time kept asking if I minded if he was heavier than me. Omg, the guy was 6-2, and 205. While not an underwear model, he was completely in the realm of healthy body weights, especially given that muscle is heavier than fat. Maybe he was 5-10 pounds over the model ideal, but as I said to him, not everyone is Ryan Lochte. Though I share the pain of poor body image with many folks, I continue to travel the road of self acceptance. Accepting others, with their imperfect bodies or short temper or other-than-me economic situation or anything else that I could use to exclude people from my life, helps me to accept myself.

Really lost me at #5 – I know plenty of gays whose lives are messes, whether they’re outwardly pretty or not. In fact, many of the very pretty boys I know are horribly fucked up, mainly for the reasons you cite above – they have no real measure of their humanity other than how many hits they get on Grindr or how many men think they’re hot enough to sleep with (but not date). Not all gays are like this. In fact, the -majority- of gays are probably not like this. You recognize that you live in a bubble but have failed to extrapolate from that realization that outside of that bubble, things are very different.

All of that said, many of the things you state above are true for an awful lot of people, just don’t think this rises to “The Gays” in terms of generalization.

What do you have against straight people? You’ve made some very negative comments about heterosexuals. I am not impressed and I’m a heterosexual woman. FYI, straight women have been dealing with this issue since the beginning of time. I am certain there are a portion of straight men that do too. Your comments about saying “Gays are a superior type of human being” is called racism & your bitter and jaded attitude will not help you live longer…just the opposite.

He said we “eat better, wear better clothes, and go on more glamourous vacations.” Aside from being tongue in cheek, it’s also rather true. Facts ought not be construed as an insult. They’re just facts.

And the concept of “gays being superior” isn’t “racism.” Because we are not a race, you see. I think you were grasping for “snobbery” perhaps?

@RS No no, they are facts, not opinions, Google is your friend. @Offended Straight Person I’m sorry that you felt offended by what the author said which caused you to bring up women’s body issues or anything related to straight people in general, but as the article states, it’s about gay men’s bodies, sorry sweety, take your opinions elsewhere, they might hold value there.

And it’s not accurate at all… gays actually have lower salaries on average (not from discrimination – but because they don’t prioritize work and tend to be in lower end jobs)…this is all publicly available information that has been published in journals and picked up by the press. Gays have WORSE health than straight people because they smoke more, have higher rates of HIV and use more drugs & alcohol (again, public info – CDC & academic journals will tell you this). So the “tongue-in-cheek” joke that gays are “superior” is actually an ironic totally mistaken statement on the main dimensions that you judge “superiority” on. And, yes – there are some companies who advertise a lot to gays because gays like to travel more – does that mean gays “take better vacations”? No – it means that without kids or a strong career focus (i.e. no vacation days) them down – they have nothing else to do. So, my facebook news feed is cluttered up with gays on vacation constantly just as it is with straight people posting their baby pics. People do different things with their time – which one is better / more important exactly? Self-obsessed vacationing or bringing a new life in the world? And – FWIW -you don’t need a perfect body to go on a normal vacation – many vacation spots are not full of tropical beaches & gays sitting on the beach lathering on the Snooki brand sun tan accelerator. If you go to most places in Europe (where you can actually – god forbid – learn something about history) you won’t be going in the ocean.

@ please. . .. The Majority of the research assessing that Gay males make less has been discredited for methodological issues. There is a decent amount of research (with its own problems) suggesting that gays do make a significant amount more AND that they have more disposable income (for reasons already stated by your lovely self who i assume is all for Gay adoption) . . . That all aside, companies estimate its over 600 billion $ in market value… which is third only to black and hispanic buying power.. I recognize youre upset- but there isnt really any need to say that this article is more than just an interesting reflection from someone who has a particular perspective – One which he IS VERY open about by posting his details about who/ what he is and looks like etc.

One last ‘fact’ to correct is your bit about career focus; theres a book called the Velvet Rage that i’d recommend to you – its really fantastic and interesting. The reason im bringing it up is that it points out that its very typical for gay males to occupy the upper most posts of organizations and job fields – and one of the most sound explanations for this is that the shame that comes with growing up straight in (what is presented as) a straight man’s world causes a deep need/ desire for avoidance and coping mechanism to survive the pain. One of the easiest of which is one’s work . Becoming the ‘best’ at one area to make up for feeling/ being told that you’re ‘laking’ in another… think for example of the cannon of a gay kid being the best school athlete so that his secret is hidden and so that hes able to still receive praise/ worth acknowledgements from his parents/peers. its a fascinating read, and i’d love to hear your thoughts on it after wards.

Lastly, you might find the UofT Professor and author/researcher Richard Florida very interesting.

okay so let’s start with the obvious, to be part of “the gays” you must first be a man. secondly, you must be under 40. thirdly, you must be white. next, the presumption is you are in a hetro-normative monogamous relationship. odly enough what disgusts me the most is the statement that “gays are more successful.” WTF, just like the rest of American society most queer identified people are working class. this article is a perfect example of why I distance myself from “the gays.” there’s no awareness of how diverse the suppossed gay community actually is; there’s the hint of what I call ‘the but for’ mentality. but for my sexuality, I would be at the top of the social pecking order: straight, family oriented, white collar, young and married, white man. unacceptable belief systems on sickening display here!

I think this really does speak to a lot of gay men, and it doesn’t surprise me that it does. However much we like to pretend that we’re strong, independent GRRRLs, at heart I think we all care what others think of us to some degree. In my own experience, I started caring about what others thought of me when I spent years and years hiding the fact that I was gay. And it’s been almost impossible to escape that mode of thinking since I came out. Of course, it is true that the drive the look fit pushes many gay men to make healthier choices that totally ensure our future world domination, so in the grand scheme of themes maybe it’s not so terrible after all. But — and here’s where I finally have something new to add — this reminds me of an article from 2007 in the Journal of Men’s Studies called “Out of the Closet and Into the Gym.” I’ll link below. But basically, the question this article leaves me with is this: are we re-creating a hetero-normative identity in our obsession with a specific body type? This could get me going on a lengthy commentary on the porn industry’s obsession with “straight dudes” and what those fantasies say about us… but I’ll leave that for another day. Here’s a link to the article for anyone who wants to check it out: http://mensstudies.metapress.com/content/627p76x407m7923j/

As a FFK, I totally get it. When in LA, I was told I was fat (at 5’9″, 130 lbs and in speedo-ready shape) by a guy who was 40 lbs heavier than me. He was just jealous that I didn’t exercise and could inhale a buffet without gaining weight.

Being an armchair psychologist, I’ve come to realize the secret is accepting who you are (and someone will love you for it), whatever shape you are.

This is why I fucking hate most gay men. Don’t throw me into your superficial, insecure beliefs just because you aren’t truly happy with yourself. If you feel the need to demean, and abuse your life/mental state then keep me the fuck out of your standardized category that you have attempted to throw all gay men into.

Speak for yourself. Don’t generalize and use the gay community and your Ivy League pedigree as a buffer to make terrible arguments that just solicit the fake sympathy and shallow reassurances from your fellow insecure narcissists.

Body size is thing – what I wouldn’t give to have white skin as a gay man. Lord knows not a single pic here is of a man of colour. You think your pain is something, try having a physical trait that cannot be changed (e.g skin colour, small penis, etc.).

amen! while i love my skin tone, a caramel drizzled almond, and wouldn’t change it for the world, it is very marginalizing to have the modern day gay community center itself solely around white men. i can’t tell you what’s worse: reading profiles that say “not into blacks” or having the same guys message me because “you’re not really black, black”. we have accomplished a lot as a community, but we still have a long way to go. as sad as it sounds, being such visually oriented beings, i think it needs to start by featuring more models of color from a variety of backgrounds in gay friendly advertising [read: travel, fashion, liquor].

Ummm DUDE. start hanging around with NORMAL gay people. I have a gut and I never want to get rid of it. And I have a great bf who loves my body. The big cities and their worship of bartenders and other idiots who I would never hang out with are chock full of people who ENABLE our community to get sucked into this whole body image thing. It’s patently absurd.

I think you have confused “being gay” with “being gay in L.A.” The problems you list do not afflict my gay brothers where I have lived (SF, Wisconsin, Houston, and Boston.) Gay bears and gay geeks run in packs from SF to Seattle.

I lived in Boston and found that it was much like what is depicted in the article. Houston, not so much because it is so spread out but there are pockets there as in SF and Seattle but not like West Hollywood, DC, Miami and many other cities. LA is probably tough but NYC is as well. It is all how we see ourselves and how we BALANCE our lives by having women friends, straight friends, family, and interests outside they gayborhood. Once can’t ever live a healthy life without having balance and never leaving one’s inner city neighborhood isn’t the way to achieve that.

So much so, that as an ex-Wehoer (who was originally from Boston) having no dating advantage in Boston with the Bear obsession which is probably in direct rebellion of the fit stereotype. And of course, most people are in the happy medium. Entertaining article, a bit thought provoking, but not as harsh as the offended straight women should go on a rant. She should get over herself and realize the gays have it tough, and a little tongue-in-cheek proudness is not offending anyone!

Oh, it just occurred to me that there was one MORE thing that was completely wrong with this depiction of ‘what our friends look like.’ Where are the women? Don’t you have ANY friends who are women? Perhaps if your circle of friends included women, you might find a bit more balance in life and some genuine perspective.

Most of the blog compares gay men to straight people, not taking into account the numbers involved between the dominant group and the gay minority. Nor does he consider subcultures such as bears, geeks, indie kits and so on.

“Because we compare ourselves with our partners”, as does every straight person with or without a sexual partner. A beautiful “Apple” can still be with a ugly “orange” and the orange will still rate herself and will then question if Apple will leave her for a more attractive orange.

I thought this line was very telling “Because if you’re a gay guy with a boyfriend, this is what he sees every day in the locker room..” and ”Trust me, your gay boyfriend has taken a peek at those perfect bodies and he’s comparing you to them…I’m getting scared just thinking about it.” this suggests he is deeply insecure with his form, relationship and doesn’t trust his boyfriend. Maybe he’s been stung in the past, or he himself has partaken in the locker room.

He idealises Muscle Mary’s, referring to PT’s as “cherished teachers” and Barmen as “cherished community leaders”. He surounds himself with “beautiful people” as it makes him feel better about him self, giving him a sense of worth. He also talks about being healthy and living longer, yet the gay scenes he refers to are known for pill popping to injecting steroids (not judging, just pointing). Finally anytime he refers to food it sounds like he has an eating disorder.

Friends (PT’s, Muscle Mary’s/Chelsea Boys, Gogo Boys) who work out 6 nights a week find it increasingly harder to hold meaningful friendships and relationships. They will use their bodies to get attention, but this soon wears off and will need a new fix. As exercise addicts they have a very rigid fitness schedule to which they always adhere. This might be a symptom of OCD, the exercise is intended to relieve feeling of anxiety about some feared consequence other than weight gain – the question is, where is this anxiety coming from?

Gay culture is geared around sex: from mags, to fashion, to clubs, to porn and most importantly youth – often mixing the lot. Gay men “like” (have little choice but) to look good to feel young, sexy and relevant.. In short we have permitted our own culture to enslave us.

While many of your points are generally true, I think some of the points are unique to West Hollywood. You have an amazing body by “normal” standards, and people in most cities would judge you as “not a supermodel, but pretty damn good!” If you are fat by West Hollywood standards, then you have to get out of that place. Sounds bad for anyone’s mental health.

What’s most embarrassing about your post (which, in terms of grammar, syntax and pretty much all the basics of what constitutes good writing, is so pathetic), is that you try to lead us into the topic with a hokey sort of “self-inclusion.” At one point, you show us a picture of your half-naked body. What’s most pathetic is what follows your picture: “I’m showing you this because intellectually I know I actually have a pretty normal body. Put me in an airport in Iowa and I’m pretty much the skinniest person there. But I am fat by West Hollywood standards.” Dude, you ARE NOT FAT IN ANY WAY. I don’t *believe* you when you say that you are “fat by West Hollywood standards.” I think you’re a transparent opportunist who’s trying to write some culture piece and needs to find a way in. It’s rather disgusting that you would trivialize the experience of people with weight issues by suggesting that you, the douche in that photo, could *actually* be considered fat, even in LA LA Land. My God, for your sake, get a fucking clue and don’t write anything like this again. You can’t take stuff like this back, idiot.

Um, I hate to burst your bubble, but I’ve been through West Hollywood and lived in the valley most of my life. He’s actually kind of right to a point.

I’m not fat. I’m actually at a healthy weight being 5’6 1/2″ and between 130-140 pounds. The doctor’s happy with my weight, and I’m happy with my weight, but if I’m in West Hollywood, I usually get comments about going to the gym because I’m gaining too much weight, or that I have a tummy. And heaven forbid if I decide to stop and eat there. I’ve even had a WAITRESS question my order and suggest a salad instead. If I remember correctly, I believe she said something along the lines of, “Are you sure want the pizza? You look like need to lose a bit of weight. Maybe you would prefer a salad?” And this was from a girl who looked like she needed to lose a lot more weight than I did. Especially since this was when I was doing synchronized swimming every day and was much more active than now. I’d hate to see what they’d say now.

I’ve found, that for a girl, unless you’re somewhere between a 0-3, you’re fat. I run between a health 5-8. If you’re a guy and don’t have at LEAST a six pack, you’re not hitting the gym enough and you’re fat. And in my experience, many of the people in West Hollywood that I’ve run into are very superficial and WILL consider you fat if you don’t have the so-called ‘perfect’ body…even if you’re at a healthy weight, in good shape, and are comfortable in you’re own skin.

Admittedly, it has been a number of years since I’ve spent any time there other than just passing through, but I still know people who live and work there.

They have had similar experiences. Including a friend of mine who really is a size 3-4 and 5’7″. She works at the subway across from the gym she works out at and is often told by her boss and coworkers that she needs to eat less and work out more. She’s getting too fat and they have to make a good impression on the customers. She’s also had random people on the bus tell her the same thing.

If your work can get away with saying things like that, and random strangers do as well, what does that say about the superficiality of the general population in that area?

This is the saddest article I’ve ever read. If your intention was humor, there was a bit of it — but it was all still sad because there ARE a ton of gay men who buy into all this body crap. I’m a gay man as well, and I’m fortunate enough to be an independent thinker — so I’m able to dismiss all that ridiculous crap about how I’m supposed to have a fabulous body [or wear the right clothes, or drive the right car, or drink the right liquor, etc etc etc]. It’s so insanely vapid [and sad, and self-defeating] to think of your body or looks or accoutrement as the most important thing you have to offer the world! Sure, there are gorgeous models in magazines — but those publications are not guidebooks that you’re required to adhere to. If you’re fortunate enough to be destined to live to an old age, your looks and body are going to be un-pretty in your later years — what are you going to do then, my dear? You’re a human being, and you’re supposed to be multi-faceted and unique — please expand your horizons and stop worrying about your looks. I’m 50, so-so looking, and overweight — I’m dieting and working out for health reasons, but I’m not on some desperate quest to attain perfection.

This sorta sounded awful but I give you credit for being candid and honest about the subject. I used to be obsessed with how I looked and realized it never really made me any happier nor did it attract the people that actually brought anything substantial in my life. I can’t even say the sex with “hot guys” was even all that worth it for all the trouble and starving I went through. I am in shape but no longer obsessed. Training has become a very personal process where I use it to complete training in a competitive discipline I enjoy (speed skating) with no interference on image coming to cloud the experience. Through the process I have found like minded people who have so much more to offer and no they don’t all look like ken dolls and I am very thankful for that. I can’t say what life is in Hollywood as I have never lived there, but seriously, there is more to life than being a model and some people really don’t care that much about that or being surrounded by those types of “professionals”. Sure I will look, but no oogles and no feelings of being threatened by them on my part. I hope that much detachment to you as well. There is so much more out there.

Gays are better at life? Or better at distracting yourselves with shallow childish affairs of lust and $? In addition your $ goes to vacations because most of you dont or will never have children. however, your body isnt gonna look hot if you hate it. Learn to love yourself and you will and can look anyway you like. I have alot of SUPER hot friends and all the str8 guys I have met who are super hot (Im a str8 sexy girl) they are actually not shallow and they value and need things beyond hot bodies. They just work harder at keeping thier hot bodies .

Nadia this guy is self obsessed jerk who is NOT representative of the gay community. Neither gays nor straights are ‘better at life’. Don’t lower yourself to his level play his inferiority/superiority complex games.

My gut reaction wants to tell you how shallow and vapid this sounds. Comparisons made within this article are stigmas our community is attempting to escape, followed by the Dear Straight People…as if addressing them for comfort.

Your article simply states the problem without being said…your insecurities have clouded your judgement of yourself and others. Does it feel good to fall back to the development issues of your youth or have just never let go.

What makes those that are fit, trim, and healthy so vibrant, appealing, and stunning generally is the level of confidence they carry (cause if it just the muscle to someone thats just as shallow).

Coming from the 30 yr old still labeled a ‘twink’ imagine the issues of a skinny guy, as you commonly pit your articles culprit…unable to gain weight, muscle mass, etc. Instead I gained confidence for who and what I was…not making judgement of my community or its members and certainly not labeling me for my metabolism.

Saddened by just another vapid article blaming all the same stigmas for not controling your emotions, fears, or mouth. Even more so that it just shows from replies and post that just many we can’t appreciatte who we are and how we look. I doubt this article helped find you the confidence you needed, but maybe hearing your not alone is what you needed to change you into the person you want to be.

Oh but he seems to forget about all the booze and designer drugs and chronic singularity. Those three elements alienate most in the gay community to lives without families, and loaded with many other health issues besides obesity-related ones. Therefore, I think the breeders still have us on the health side of things. Especially where mental health is concerned.

No. The people who disagree with this article are truly happy with themselves and have self-worth. And you know what? “Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good fucking life.” It’s true. I presume you have 2 hands, 2 legs, and a good head on your shoulders. Use it and stop seeking so pity.

What a load of supercilious crap. Having read the article, it makes me wonder what “Ivy League” institution the author claims as his alma mater; his attempt to rationalize the vapid banality of gay culture falls short—intellectually and analytically.

While this is catered to West Hollywood and the image-based autoeroticism of Southern California culture (that has been exported around the nation through trickle-down memes), it sends a terrible message: you are only as valuable as your fuck-quotient. If you use the FQ to validate your purpose in life, you’re going to wind up like the author—a shame-based narcissist whose ego is constantly fed by sources of supply. In his case, the supply is determined by a narrowed view of attractiveness perpetuated by a sociopathic corporate culture. It wasn’t until 1984 and Calvin Klein’s underwear ad campaigns that we started to see these versions of maleness as the archetype of masculine beauty.

Sorry, Orlando, but you’re the antithesis of the problem. I’d suggest some therapy to get over your “fatty” issues and look to something other than jealous paranoia of your boyfriend’s potential infidelity to find some meaning in your life. It’s crystal clear that you’re lacking character and are addicted to the nonsense because you dread what you might face in its absence.

Was Vito Russo “lacking character” when he held up a mirror to his generation’s own brand of self-hatred? Did Larry Kramer need to find some “meaning in his life” for pointing out the insanity and vapidity of his own generation’s sex-obsessed culture? Were they shame-based narcissists for holding up a mirror to what was around them? Did they “need therapy”, need to get over their ‘issues’ as they related what they saw via their personal experiences and frustrations with their own gay culture? Damn right they needed therapy. It takes courage to crash the party and say ‘This is insane and we can do better’. You are obviously impressed with what you perceive to be your own superior intelligence and Ivy League education, but a simple history lesson will demonstrate that they (and many others I haven’t mentioned) similarly dealt with the same kind of self-aggrandizement you’re serving up right now. They were told they were crazy, paranoid, shame-based narcissists, especially Mr. Kramer. Well, the jury is in. Mr. Kramer was right about his generation. And so is this author. He may not speak for everyone, but he speaks for many.

Why are gay men somehow expected to divorce themselves from the basic human emotions/insecurities that every other human being on the planet is entitled to have? Let’s just forget the ‘gay’ thing for a minute, and talk about the ‘human’ thing — the author points out that no straight woman in the world would be comfortable with her husband/boyfriend spending a great portion of his life surrounded by female porn stars. It would be unacceptable to her and no one would say she is being ‘paranoid’ or needs therapy. Similarly, no self-respecting straight man would allow his wife to shower with horny Chippendale’s dancers after their workout. And herein lies the double standard the author is trying to point out. Straight people in relationships are allowed to have normal, healthy, human emotional responses. A woman would not be called ‘paranoid’ if her husband spent half his life at the Playboy Mansion. Would he be comparing his wife to the Bunnies? Of course. Would that elicit very understandable, very human emotions, insecurities, jealousies, threaten her sense of security in her relationship? Of course. So why then are we expected as gay men to somehow ‘rise above’ or circumvent these feelings that are essentially human? Why is it, for the author, ‘paranoia’, or a symptom of something deeply broken and not relate-able to any other human being? To suggest otherwise is exactly what the author is aiming to point out. It’s a double standard, because we are expected to blithely divorce ourselves from our own humanity, in a way that straight people don’t have to. It is weird. It’s crazy. I hate to break to you, but beneath our gay identity is a human one. And we’re not so special, so unique, so super human that we are immune from being like everyone other feeling human being on the planet.

I suggest you watch the VITO documentary that is currently playing on HBO if you want to see the stark contrast between what it was like before body fascism infected the soul of the gay community. Vito, like the author, mined his own perceptions, feelings and vulnerabilities to mirror us back to ourselves. He thought we could do a lot better, he tried to unite a diverse community and had something they don’t teach you in an “Ivy League” school — emotional intelligence.

I think, for the most part you hit it on the head, especially if you live in a GayCenter and by that I mean the Gayborhood, the Gay Ghetto or any place in which gay men congregate in numbers enough to skew a part of town to the point where there are “gay gyms” etc. I have lived in many and have always thought “how do these people live outside of the bubble they spend the majority of their time in?” I think the answer is, they don’t. I mean, they don’t care about leaving the bubble. They are fully satisfied running from one to the other i.e. DC to New York to Ptown to Miami to Palm Springs to LA….and so on and so forth.

Most cities of decent size have a gay centric neighborhood, that is the way it has always been and most likely the way it always will be. If you choose to live, work, and play in a city with a large gay population you will probably relate to this article more so than those who do not. There is comfort in the fact that the younger queer folk are not as readily adopting the past gym buff body aesthetic that has ruled for the last 20 years.

There will always be muscle guys and gym bunnies as long as there are people who are obsessive, sex addicted, egotistical, driven, health obsessed and shallow. There will also be those who will want to sleep with them, look at them, watch them naked and spur them on.

I am bouyed by the crazy popularity of the whole bear scene which has been like a “coming out” of sorts over the last 5 years. The huge bear parties and functions have created a place for those who will never be gym bunnies or who obsess about their bodies. It is refreshing and I support it and I hope it balances what has, until recently, been very much as the article describes.

As long as mass media controls the images we see there is little hope that things will change anytime sooner but new apps like Grinder, Scruff, and Growler are creating a new place to meet the less body obsessed….I hope.

I all seems to be getting a little personal.. I don’t agree with the remarks made, but I do think the points made were personal to him. Whether you agree with them or not we should (preachy) respect this is his journey.

Disclaimer: I’m not a hippie, in fact work in the media industry and partake in gay, fisty, bum love, so going to hell. Peace x

Um no in reality the guys who disagree (haters in your mind) are not fatties. In your self acknowledged shallow neurotic world they may be fat but your world is a psychotic delusion, its not reality. You’ve built it up to make yourself feel better about your lack of real worth. The gay world also isn’t better than the straight world. Its another delusion your suffering. Perhaps a little help with a shrink is in order for you.

Lol… this kind of made me think about MY self-image. Hmm nope! still remaining comfortable in my own skin and always will. Sometimes I wish I could gain an extra 10 pounds… but in the end I’m happy with my image and so not miserable. Man, you need to find some f*cking GOOD ass confidence in yourself and stop comparing your life to other men and BE HAPPY. For the most part, people don’t even care about how many times you hit the gym because they’re too busy focusing on their own life. But I forgot, of course only the superficial people would care (not ONLY just gays). This is also why we lack good things in this world LOL.

Stop living up to peoples expectations because by the time you’ve pleased a great deal of others expectations, you’ll be old and wrinkly if you don’t quit it. Your body is perfectly fine to me, and you’re a good looking guy. Don’t waste it.

And shit, whatever happened to personalities? It seems to me that personality is close to being non-existent. Shallow…

Although, I’ve never been fat or even remotely “over-weight”, I still relate to this article, from a reversed perspective. Where gays are wishing to be skinnier, I’d actually like to be gain a few more pounds and look a little fuller. And, yes, I do sometimes compare myself to my model-looking boyfriend. I look at him sometimes, and wish I was even HALF as beefy and cut as he is. All in all, thank you for this article. It was thought provoking, and absolutely hilarious to read!!

Let me start by saying that I, like the writer, am a good looking, gay, white, former fat kid who does really well for himself in the world. If I wanted to, I could absolutely buy into all of this. But I don’t.

I was not looking for differences. In fact, I read the piece because I knew we’d have similarities. I’ve been a binge eater my whole life. Finally lost weight by working hard and exercising in 2004. In 2009, however, I let that combine with my stresses and pressures and developed a harmful eating disorder. I threw up at least twice a day, fucked up my teeth, and lived my life trying to please people…constantly telling myself that pushing myself would eventually make me happy. Spoiler alert: it didn’t.

I share this with you so that you know I completely respect and understand his desire to share his struggles. I appreciate that honesty, and his humor, but it needs to be reframed and we can’t let it go unnoticed that it was presented in a way that demeans our community.

Here’s a comment I loved from another reader on a friend’s facebook page that totally captures my perspective on how this hurts our community:

Comment—-

Ok…um…where do you start with a confused piece of trifle like this? Can we first just examine the assumptions that he makes about what “gay” people do. In the article he uncritically assumes that gay people are 1) in urban areas, 2) gym members 3) successful and, based on the pictures he uses 4) white. He is completely feeding into the same problematic cultural stereotype that he is supposedly railing against: treating the gay community as though it is this extremely homogenous group of upper middle class, urban-dwelling white people who spend all their time at bars and the gym. And even within that myopic understanding of what it means to be gay, he’s still wrong.

In fact, I would say that mainly, the reason why gay men treat their bodies the way they do is because they feel that they have to. Because heterosexist society says that gay men are obsessed with sex, valueless except for their sexual desirability, promiscuous…and actively promotes and force-feeds us that image of ourselves as a way of dismantling our self-esteem, and motivation to demand our rights. Clearly, this Ivy-League-educated idiot has taken the bait.

Cultural stereotypes are self-reinforcing. Imagine quickly a gay person who just moves to an urban area and has never interacted with a gay community before. He’s probably going to walk into a gay bar and start making BJ jokes because that’s his expectation of how it should go (thanks society, for filling my brain with more lazy, crass and completely uncreative sexual innuendos than I ever hoped to hear). Then, the other new kid hanging out at the other side of the bar hears him, and now has evidential proof that this is in fact how gay culture is. It’s the same thing with gay men and the gym. No one wants to be the one to opt out because everyone else is still opting in. It’s a ridiculous expectation but we all play along because everyone else is still playing and no one likes to play alone. And this piece of crap, which claims to rail against this, is actually contributing: making something proposed into something real.

Meanwhile, there’s a black kid in some rural area who’s experiencing gay desire and saying “wtf?”

—And back to me–

Adding to all this, the author ends with this:

“Ultimately our body dysmorphia is a good thing which will force our community and outlive our straight peers and take over the world.”

I get that it’s all in good fun, but he clearly is still buying into this gay stereotype! I’m not arguing people shouldn’t be healthy or look beautiful, but the article is a microcosm of obsession. Not even a WeHo obsession (let’s give this city more credit than that), but a horrible obsession we as a community need to fight so that people like him (and me) who have so much to be thankful for don’t end up unhappy for no fucking reason.

Everyone has their own internal struggles with what they think physical “perfection” is. I also understand what body dysmorphia is. As a young kid, my family migrated over from the Middle East & landed in the fourth largest city in the US with one of the largest gay populations. As a young foreign gay teen, I was eager to explore what I was feeling inside & broke into the gay scene. I quickly realized it was a very shallow scene & was ultimately a very degrading experience for me. I know that it isn’t like that for everyone, but it effected in me in ways that i’ve only recently realized & came to terms with. When I was younger, physical beauty definitely fueled my fire to get to the gym & focus on what my body looked like, as my face was given to me & at least my body was something I could mold into what I though others would find attractive. I was blessed to find a great group of accomplish, older gents that paved the way & so I was fortunate to learn from their mistakes & of course made a few of my own along the way. I won’t deny physical beauty is something that most are after when cruising the bars, so the mentality of looking like what I want to attract plays into this article, I think. Look at grindr for example, first question is do you have a pic & will block you if you do not fit the mold of what they want physically. & that’s right to do so.
I am blessed & lucky to have a boyfriend that thinks I am the best looking man in the world & tells me that daily. I tell him he needs to get his eyes check, daily. I happily look at myself & see an average, slightly goofy looking Middle Eastern guy, who is intelligent, happy, successful & is surrounded by people who love me for me, even when at times the only “six-pack” i’m sporting is the one I drank. & I love them for what I “see” in them, beyond merely judging anyone based solely on their physicality. I look at my boyfriend everyday & am in complete awe over him, not ONLY for what he looks like (& he is gorgeous), but for the positivity he offers in my life. & no, I have never compared myself to him, with no plans to do so either. I have friends who do that constantly with potential partners, to no avail. Comparing an apple to an orange, an apple to an apple or a bear to a twink is still a comparison, & at the end of the day is not worth the mental, physical or emotional toll it takes on you. Acceptance is the key. Acceptance of who you are overall & the ability to look past someones physical beauty & truly “see” them for who they are & what they bring to your life, holds more value then comparing yourself to your boyfriend, bartender, grindr trick or local gym bunny.
I am fortunate to have many groups of friends that encompass the whole spectrum of gayness…from old & hot to young & skinnyfat, porn star to midget, lipstick lesbian to post opp tranny. Open your eyes & realize that the world is beautiful & ugly at the same time & ultimately what you make of it. Don’t waste another day dwelling on what you see in a magazine & think that’s the “right’ way to be. Eat well, exercise & stay healthy, for you & no one else. You only have one life, one body & perfection should be based on your definition, not the other way around. In the end, you have you & as long as you’re a good person with positive morals, convictions, confidence & are happy with yourself, then why the hell would what anyone thought of you matter anyway?
Oh, and please….please, please, please before you write another article, PLEASE do NOT state something as fact, without being able to back it up.

Dude, you hate your body because you’re a douchebag who surrounds himself with muscle queens who spend all their time at David Barton and circuit parties. I’m gay, “skinny” (get a dictionary, because you’re using the word wrong), and I do 99.9% of my socializing with my shirt on. It’s an option. Step outside your hermetically sealed homo-bubble and you might not be such a terrible, superficial asshole.

You start your article with “Because men are inherently superficial and inferior to women” and then look for other reasons to explain your self-loathing? You sound like a sexist brainwashed feminist bitch who grew up on Feministing and wishes he could be rid of his oppressive penis. I didn’t bother to read the rest of your tripe.

I really, really want to believe this story was written tongue-in-cheek but I cannot find a single reason why it would have been. If this was a piece meant to provide some insight for anyone, you failed, and miserably at that. It’s shallow, one-dimensional, and perpetuates some of the worst aspects of our marketing-driven culture while simultaneously presenting itself to be a counterpoint or investigation into it’s subject. A perfect illustration of the potential worthlessness of an Ivy League education. If it was supposed to be funny, it wasn’t. FAIL.

You couldn’t be a bigger or more pathetic narcissist. Look up “humblebrag,” you walking cliché. You are going to be embarrassed of yourself in 15 years, when I hope you will have have some perspective on your idiotic ideas about what other men are like. Note to rest of world: Only a tiny subset of gays in isolated metropolitan communities feel like this attention-whoring idiot.

As a fellow gay FFK with some body issues myself, I was expecting to sympathize with this article. As a balding FFA (fairly fat adult) with friends of all genders, sexualities, and sizes, however, I can’t say that I did. I enjoy being a part of the gay community, but it’s difficult to feel proud when it’s so often characterized as a highly exclusive party on Fire Island. I understand that this was supposed to be tongue-in-cheek, and it’s an entertaining read, but I can’t help but wonder if maybe gay men’s common obsession with body image would actually dissipate if more highly visible, Ivy League educated gay writers would first educate themselves about the wonderfully diverse world of underprivileged, non-urban, and non-self-image-obsessed queer folks outside of their perfectly manicured group of friends.

Thank you AJ!
The only other person to mention the Velvet Rage in these postings!
It’s all there. Let’s hope that we can learn from it to become a happier, more self accepting and functioning bunch. We all deserve to treat ourselves and each other with self respect, dignity and love. God knows, we’ve had enough hate from everyone else over the years.
Sx

“Let’s face it, Gay people are better at life than straight people. They eat better, wear better clothes, and go on more glamourous vacations. I don’t really know why, it’s just a fact of life.”

Consider that straight people have children? That they are extra mouths to feed? That money is spent from diapers to college funds? That when the parents come home from a long day at work, they have to cook dinner, help kids with the homework, drive them to soccer games, and deal with all sorts of issues that comes in different stages as children grow up? Then try and put them to bed at a decent time. Do you honestly think they’ll have time to hit the gym and wear glamourous clothes on top of this? Get real, it’s a fact of life that gays have it easier.

It has a lot to do with your own self confidence and how you portray yourself, never mind what anyone else thinks. Sadly we’ve become a bunch of sheeples, in order to try and validate our existence on this planet. Just be happy with yourself, and your partner should be too. that’s the secret to a long and good life.

Just kidding. But, you do seem like an asshat. As a gay man who doesn’t identify with a single word you’ve written, I’d like to suggest you seek help. Seriously. I see some folks trying to “get your back” by claiming this article is satirical, but there’s really nothing funny about it unless you’re a mean girl. Mean girls suck. Stop being one. Grow up. Evolve. Leave the petty high school inferiority complexes behind, turn on the tv, and eat a plate of fucking nachos. They’re delicious.

I don’t agree with this at all. It’s a total overgeneralization. I’m very happy with my body at 6’2″ 210 lbs. Although I’ve been called fat a few times by people, my doctor says that I am in good physical condition and I’m sure she knows my health much better than rude queens or bitter girls do. 99% of the time someone calls you fat or ugly, it is because they feel that way about themselves, so they call you that to lift themselves up.

The secret to happiness is feeling good about yourself, not caring about what other people’s perceptions are. If you feel good about yourself, and are polite and respectful towards others, people will be drawn to you.

I was bullied on a daily basis until 9th grade, so I learned a long time ago not to be bothered by people’s criticism by looking within.

Would it shock you if I said I don’t really find the men in those pics you posted to be all that attractive? While they look clean and presentable, they also look very airbrushed and superficial, and have fake tans. I prefer people who look like real people.

Dude, you’re talking about West Hollywood. LA and OC are exceedingly image oriented. I grew up in Irvine but moved to San Francisco at 25 and I’m much more comfortable here. There’s still beauty to be seen, but it’s not so important. I visit Newport Beach and most of the straight guys look like those pictures. You’re just in that culture. I think applying its peculiarities to “gay” in general might be a mistake.

This article is fucking disgusting. Way to perpetuate stupid stereotypes about gay men. We don’t all have tons of money and we aren’t all affluent white guys with time and money to burn.There are some legitimate criticisms you could make about the causes of gay body image issues but instead you just fed into the bullshit that causes these issues.

You forgot to mention how gays look up to impossible female icons with unattainable beauty standards, much in the same way straight women are told to look to anorexic supermodels as the body ideal. In this way, gay culture, sadly, has a LOT in common with straight female culture.

I have a theory about this, and it’s that when seeking a male mate, you need to be dressed and presented really well in order to be attractive. I think that’s one of the reason’s that gay men and straight women dress up so well, because there’s something about looks in the way that a man may first assess you as a mate. I don’t know if people agree or disagree with this. Thoughts?

Body image has always been an issue within the “community” Let us be honest about that if you don’t have those issues, good for you. It sucks to be dissatisfied with your body. This article while meant to be funny, unfortunately does apply to a substantially large cross section of gay people who primarily or completely have their personal worth determined by others or themselves, by the way that they look. There’s no reason at all for the blatant indignation that’s being expressed in some of these comments if you feel like the sentiments expressed in this article don’t apply to you, but that doesn’t make it less true for the people that it does apply to (which from my personal interactions with other gay men I can attest to it being many) Instead of writing this article off as rubbish it should serve as a forum form legitimate debate on why body image is such an issue for many gay men. Nothing changes if nothing changes…

I’m more interested in nit-picking the punctuation and grammar (period goes inside the parentheses, “et cetera” is two words, and what’s with capitalizing “gay”?) than your body flaws! 😉

My main response is to the commenters, who I think should do a better job of recognizing a tongue-in-cheek tone. At worst, there’s a bit of humblebragging going on here — but the self-deprecation runs deeper…

I am somewhat floored by many of the reactions here. This is a post that so clearly strives to use the tactics of the funniest and most interesting comedy out there: hyperbolic exaggeration of a very real issue mixed with a healthy dose of self-deprecation and criticism. I’m not saying that it achieves this goal 100%, but some of the reactions are really critical of the wrong problem.

So many of the replies are focusing on how shallow the author is. But in the article he completely owns up to the shallowness. He acknowledges the unrealistic expectations (that’s kinda the point of the post), but confesses that he is guilty of being a part of the broken system because of the immense pressure he feels to look a certain way. This is not a treatise on the intricacies of gender politics, masculinity, and the Queer Identity at large — though it does touch on all of those topics. This is a personal essay on a blog (a fucking blog!); for those new to the genre, the artistic goal of this type of writing is generally to entertain while, hopefully, shedding light on a topic of interest to the readership. Of COURSE it’s a generalization. How in the hell would people write anything if they catered to every faction of people who might buck the trend about which they are writing? Can you imagine that list of caveats…that tedious opening paragraph acknowledging every category of people who might have a different view…the laborious qualifications the reader would have to wade through just to be assured that, GASP, this MIGHT NOT BE 100% APPLICABLE TO MY PERSONAL CIRCUMSTANCES AND WORLD VIEWS RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT? Boring.

Also, just to put a finer point on this notion of shallowness: the problem may stem from a very easy-to-identify root cause (in this case the gay world’s (not all of the gay world, obviously there are notable exceptions to the rule, and there are plenty of gay men and women (and I should note bisexuals and trans folks as well) who find themselves in circumstance markedly different than those in gay enclaves like WeHo or Chelsea (or similar “gayborhoods” in other large cities), who are not always represented by blanket terms like “the gay world”, and who are perfectly happy with their bodies and have no hangups whatsoever.) (See what I did there? No? Okay…I was using multiple parentheses and lots of unnecessary words to illustrate how obnoxious it is for casual writing to be disrupted by qualifiers and caveats, which is something I complained about in the previous paragraph) vapid and disgusting obsession with image), but it’s still a problem. Or, simply, knowing why it sucks doesn’t stop it from sucking.

I count myself amongst the large group of gay men who do not harbor or completely identify with the body image issues that the author enumerates. I do not constantly compare myself to guys at the gym. I don’t even go to the gym. I don’t weigh myself or obsess over my body fat percentage. I don’t have a six pack. I don’t manscape. I don’t spend hours at the gyms or thousands of dollars on aestheticians. In short, I LOVE my body just the way it is (it might not be perfect, but it sure as hell gets me laid). Well congratu-fucking-lations to me. Who cares? No one, that’s who. And I sure as shit don’t care if you have a float in the same self-love parade. Just because you’ve made peace with your body does not mean that this is not a legitimate, widespread, and pressing issue in our community. It is a fact that gay men are far more likely to have eating disorders than straight men. This author is pinpointing some of the issues that are at the heart of the gay male’s contentious relationship with his own body. You might not find the author’s humor that LOL funny, and you might be lucky enough to have dealt with your own shit and ignored all this body-image noise, but what he’s talking about has more than a mere kernel of truth, and we should acknowledge that. And, no, I’m not saying I agree with his resignation and final acceptance of himself as yet another cog in the machinery of self-loathing, but I do think that he at least attempts to raise questions about a complicated issue. It deserves more than a “this doesn’t describe me specifically so it must be wrong and the author is a sad, delusional wretch” reaction.

Incidentally, the author is a stone-cold fox hottie pants. I only point this out to further illustrate that beauty is, indeed, subjective. What I see when I look at the picture of him is a bone-worthy fuck fantasy; what he sees when he looks at his own picture might be that, but it might also be something else entirely, and that’s okay. That’s his shit to deal with.

To the straight folks who were offended by the author’s admittedly-cliche-but-also-clearly-tongue-in-cheek-and-not-to-be-taken-too-seriously jokes about the superiority of the Gays: please save your indignation for things that are actually offensive, like politicians who say stuff like “forcible” and “legitimate” rape.

And lastly, to the few people who could not believe that someone who disagreed with them could possibly go to an ivy league school: WTF? Where did that even come from? Why are you so obsessed with who should and shouldn’t be able to get into an ivy league school? You know they accept people from all walks of life…with different views…different incomes…different backgrounds, right? I’m only pointing this out because the response “WHAT IVY LEAGUE SCHOOL WOULD ACCEPT YOU?” is just…weird.

Yes, Ivy League schools are full of people with body image issues and eating disorders… they can score high on the SAT and get good GPAs too. It is just a surprise to most because people who go to Ivy League schools (a) write better (b) have other priorities than their bodies – since they need to actually study / get good grades rather than be in the gym all the time.

You really think this is using “tactics of the funniest and most interesting comedy out there”? I think you might need to go see some stand up in 2012…this is barely passing for funny 1992. Well, it’s passing for a 16 year old trying to be funny. (again reinforcing the good looking = not funny correlation that has been around since the beginning of comedy) That’s generally around where many people (gay and straight) stop maturing or developing their sense of humor…that’s why a lot of people do NOT find it funny. It has a thin layer of self deprecation (which isn’t even appropriate bc this guy is ridiculously good looking) & mild exaggeration of “facts” about bodies in the gay world.

And yes – it is a blog – and thus receiving comments like any blog post – that disagree (or agree, in some cases). That’s the point of a comments section on a blog. Comments are actually much worse on news sites.

I totally see your point(s), and after a day can admit that my post was clearly reactionary, though I would point out that what I was mostly responding too was the poor level of reasoning in the responses, not the fact people were disagreeing. Yes, comments on news sites are much worse, but they’re not nearly as self-congratulatory. In any case, your post pointed out to me that what I wrote was rendered somewhat unclear and unhelpful by the vehemence of my stances. I hope that I can clarify a few things that will add to the conversation in a more positive way.

Though I didn’t specify stand up comedy in my post, I agree that I should probably see more standup for a better frame of reference of the entirety of comedy that is currently popular. And, just to clarify, I wrote that the author “strives to use” aforementioned tactics. I agree that it was not 100% successful and could have been much funnier. I think it is very safe to say that there is a rich history of self-deprecation in comedy (Phyllis Diller comes to mind for obvious reasons…Louis CK…Joan Rivers…etc) and that very funny people often resonate with audiences because of their complicated mix of bravado and vulnerability. And I do think that regardless of your view as to whether or not he was funny, the author was attempting to straddle that fine line – to me, that’s the most interesting part of the post because it gets right to the heart of what I think is a legitimate issue.

In the reply above you mention that the writer’s thin layer of self-deprecation is not appropriate “bc this guy is ridiculously good looking.” I agree that he’s ridiculously good looking; that’s sort of the heart of the matter, right? Though people may be considered beautiful by most widely accepted standards of beauty, they can still feel like they are not good enough. Your comment is essentially saying that if a person is attractive, they don’t have a right to low self-esteem. Unfortunately that’s not really how self-esteem works.

I dated a guy with purging-type anorexia for a very long time. People would constantly say things like, “how could ______ have an eating disorder, he’s so hot?” or “_______ looks fine, why is he so worried about his weight?” Those comments tended to make my partner feel worse because then, on top of already feeling shitty about his body-image, he felt like his own feelings were not valid, that he was stupid, and that he was completely alone and isolated because no one could truly understand how he was feeling. It was heartbreaking to witness.

Thanks for reading. I hope I was able to add something of better value to the conversation after more consideration and reasoning.

This writer sounds like a sad precursor to the late Bob Bergeron, the looks-obsessed gay guy in NYC who tried to write a book about “hey gays! it gets better after age 50!” and then realized he didn’t believe a word of it and committed suicide just because he couldn’t deal with the mundane tragedy of slowly growing old. Dude (writer of this column) — get some perspective, as a youngish GWM in WeHo you are living in the most body-obsessed and homosocial (friends who are all kind of twin-like) subculture of the most body-obsessed city in North America. The gay pride parade in any other city around the country will show a lot of people that are not like you.

Brilliant post, it really touched a nerve this morning. I was going to comment here in full but it ended up so long I just wrote my own blog post instead. I reblogged that image of you (sorry…) for illustrative purposes but if you’d like me to remove it please let me know!

First, I have to compliment the author on having SO many replies and comments; it means that people pay attention enough to read and comment, even if some (many) criticize. In LA, it doesn’t matter as much what they say, as long as they are talking about you. 🙂

I’d like to chime in as a licensed psychotherapist, specializing in gay men, who lives and works in West Hollywood, for the past 20 years.

I think we have to apply Critical Thinking here. When we are self-empowered in our way of living, we can consciously choose whether we want to be a part of the “gym scene”, or not. My book (“Self-Empowerment: Have the Life You Want!”) emphasizes that while eating healthily and exercising is something doctors (and even the First Lady) recommend as being a “good thing”, being a “Physique Fascist” is not. Eating healthy and exercising were never designed to make people feel bad about themselves; it was about honoring the body so that we feel good, and function well, and looking “aesthetic” like a statue or a dancer or an acrobat is just a by-product of healthy body systems. We each have a right to be the kind of gay man we want to be, and it’s our choice what recreational activities we want to associate with.

Self-love and self-acceptance are not just the purview of the Young and/or Beautiful. We all have a birthright to live the life we want. As Jerry Herman said, in the gay-affirmative musical, “La Cage Aux Folles”, “I am what I am, and what I am, needs no excuses.”

For gay men (especially “my” local WeHo/LA ones) who are having trouble achieving the body image, social life, dating life, career, and self-acceptance that they want, may I suggest we meet and work together. I’m here to help, over-40 physique and all…

Read Brené Brown: “Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance. Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life-paralysis. Life-paralysis refers to all of the opportunities we miss because we’re too afraid to put anything out in the world that could be imperfect. It’s also all of the dreams that we don’t follow because of our deep fear of failing, making mistakes, and disappointing others. It’s terrifying to risk when you’re a perfectionist; your self-worth is on the line.”

A friend posted this article to FB, and I posted this in response.
“Almost all of his bullets are about how all he sees are “perfect bodies”, and how all his hot boyfriend sees at the gym are other “Perfect bodies”, and how all his friends have “perfect bodies”, and how our community leaders (Bartenders?…Ha…ha.) have “perfect bodies” and how that makes “us” afraid and competitive.

It’s small minded and vapid, just like the gawker article(which was considerably worse), b/c he take a small cross section of gay men, and paints a picture that “THIS IS WHAT WE ARE LIKE”. No it’s not. I am sick of White, upwardly mobile, “pretty boy” gays, 1-whining about how hard gay life is when you don’t have a “perfect body” and 2- thinking that they can speak for “The Gays”, while ignoring about 80% of the community. I didn’t see any men of color in these pictures. (I saw tanned White guys and White-Latino guys [I see you, Ricky], but no Men of Color). Almost all the pictures are of guys between 25-35. With the exception of the “Community Leader”(grumbles) and his little chest fuzz, all the bodies were hairless.

How am I NOT supposed to think that despite his “educational background at Ivy League schools, where everyone was obsessive compulsive about everything”, that he’s not completely clueless? And incredibly sheltered! AND delusional! “But I am fat by West Hollywood standards.”. Well then those standards suck. Ever think of taking your 4 pack and v-lines and 200k dollar ivy league education and moving to another city? Or just moving to another part of town? “Gays in major cities live in a warped bubble where we are freaks if we don’t somehow magically look like underwear models.”…No dude, YOU live in a warped bubble. And it’s a little sad, because you know you do and you CHOOSE not to broaden your experience.

The issue isn’t that he’s body conscious because of his friends and images around him. This issue is that HE hates fat people and people who don’t conform to his ideals or look like him (which he thinks, deep down inside, is what everybody SHOULD look like, at the very least). That’s why all of his friends are “prime” age, hairless, white, ivy league, good side of town, single issue voting, sheltered people who are arrogantly unaware of other struggles and identities WITHIN the gay MALE community, never mind the rest of the GLBTQ, or the world.

He should get some friends of color, Asian, Black, BROWN Latino. Get some friends who are a little skinnier and a little thicker. Some FAT friends. Some friends who know how to throw down in the kitchen. Some friends with tattoos. Some REAL community leaders. Go out to some gay bars where the bartenders DON’T look like Mr.Muscle Peach up there. Some community college friends. Some artists. Some undocumented immigrant friends. Some friends that don’t live, and aren’t welcome in, West Hollywood. If he was single, I’d tell him to go on some dates with guys that are not “The norm” (or rather, HIS norm). Broaden his experience.

But don’t look me in the face and tell me “Gay men hate their bodies”, and expect me to have any kind of sympathy, when your cross section of gay experience is so small that you are the “chunkiest” of your friends…BITCH- Please.

Maybe if he spent more time CELEBRATING the body he had, and the diversity of bodies in our community, instead of quietly judging other people, and himself, he’d be a little less “body conscious”.

Hey loved this, very funny and pretty spot on lol I will be RE posting this on My face Book…So sad that gay guys are not comfy in there own skin, I mean come on we are gay after all… Even if we are “out of shape” “Gross” “ugly” whatever, we are gay men GODS CHOSEN lol we are fabulous and add so much to the world, so why not be Happy AKA Gay! Come on boys you were born this way embrace it, rock that muffin top lol.

I couldn’t agree more with everything you said. I’m a bigger guy. I’m gay. I have great-looking friends and not so great-looking friends. i hate being the fat gay guy with all my hot friends. I want to lose weight. I wanna be the guy that gets all the hook-ups. I wanna be the guy that always gets called to hit the club or bar. I don’t wanna be the guy that’s out of breath when he runs to his car. I don’t wanna be the only guy that’s fat in the group. I wanna fit in with the rest of the gay community and take my shirt off and dance and be hot!

I wanna be the guy that gets the guy.

I’m a smart, good-looking guy with a great personality but my body is holding me back. I would kill for a body like yours. I need to improve my appearance for my health most of all, but also for my psychological well-being.

Wow…issues?!? This author is a status-obsessed, self-loathing gay with major jealousy issues. You know what’s actually unhealthy? Being obese…in some states 70% of adults are overweight and will actually probably die from complications related to their weight. I work out because I love my body; I love seeing beautiful men, and I love that my boyfriend gets to see such beautiful people at our gym everyday. And what kind of person with an “ivy league” education who surely took, you know, like at least one course that involved critical writing would quote a source that describes one gender as “inherently inferior” to the other?!? Get over yourself, and stop acting like some jealous wife. Seriously the snarky self-loathing really irritates me. He manages to belittle both the amazing actual gay activist,s community leaders, and even teachers by denying their very real importance to wide swaths of the gay community while snubbing potentially very smart and involved bartenders and personal trainers out of sheer class snobbery and personal envy.

I think a stocky guy who carries himself confidently is WAY hotter than the guys shown on this page. Give me some meat on them bones! The perfect body is quickly going out of vogue, it seems to me. Well-muscled pretty boys have their place, mind you, but a gay guy who’s focused on anything but the gym is the true hotness in 2012 and beyond.

I so resonate with this and have managed issues with my body since I came out! Ironically these issues were not there before I came out! Believing I wasn’t good looking enough or muscley enough to be attractive to someone! Its not a nice place to be in emotionally I can tell and still now the demon comes out to compare myself with the hot guys and say to myself that’s why are you are still single!

I don’t even want to get into this fake debate : maybe if we just tried to resist the social pressure of the so-called community and our constant desire to comply with the norms and rules that are imposed on us…
We sure can be more dangerous to ourselves than any homophobic bastard,
Let’s be free spirits, for God’s sake! Enjoy life and be good to yourself and the others, in the end, what else matters, after all?

Wow! You have said everything that I have been saying to my boyf – especially the oggling part, although this is the reason why we are currently breaking up as he can’t stop himself. Just wished I had read this before and been able to show him – may have made things slightly different!

Perhaps the reason for your break up is your insecurities because there is no harm in looking at other men if you’re young. Its healthy & normal. Acting on it depends on your agreement with each other. If you choose to buy into the body beautiful or choose to live somewhere where the gay scene is run by it then you can always choose to move if it doesn’t make you happy.

This is bullshit. Please stop pretending that you speak for ALL gay men. Nobody voted for you to do so; you’re self appointed which says volumes about your ego!

Anybody can choose to or choose NOT to buy into the body beautiful – women have the same choices too. A bartender maybe YOUR most cherished community leader however I prefer to choose Harvey Milk. You may want to look him up. First openly gay man to be elected to public office and died for his beliefs & your freedoms. Now stop being a self obsessed drama queen. You should try to get attention for doing something worthwhile not YOUR neurosis about your body or the bodies of other people.

Dude, don’t you suffer that much. I’ve spent years killing myself at gyms (not only making my muscles explode in many ways, but making my eyes pop out in the locker, and comparing myself with those genetically fit guys). I never got to be a skinny one, I just became some kind of muscled Hummer… Well, I’ve grown up, I’ve forgotten gym, thou I still have some kind of healthy behaviour. But I’ve grown up, literally, laterally. And guess what? Now there’s a bunch of young, fit, beautifully built guys who come after me like pretty little lambs. Now I’m a fucking BEAR… and guess what? Everything has become so fucking easier!!! And I’m not even an old fat man. I’m just… a grown one XD
(Sorry for my English, that’s what we Europeans call “a good level” XD)

It’s also entirely possibly that gays of this ilk hate their bodies because THEY HATE EVERYTHING after a three-day White Party coke binge. The next time one of my friends complains about needing to lose a few extra pounds, I’m going to point them here and say, “You could always have a lobotomy like this guy, but look how vapid, annoying, and shockingly out of touch with the world it leaves you.”

I grew up in a rural community and I’m so happy I wasn’t raised to constantly compare myself to everyone around me to feel good about myself. Perhaps you ought to do the same. It’ll be good for your psyche.

After reading this piece and the comments, I have to agree with many that it is not funny or relate-able unless you are in the subgroup of gay men to which the author clearly belongs. I’m certain I would find, as I do most cliques, that you all are a bunch of needy, self obsessed douche bags who have no time for anyone who doesn’t look like a clone of yourself. The pictures of your idols? In my opinion, they are gross.

Here are few timeless sayings that bear repeating:

Beauty is only skin deep.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Beauty is but an accident of youth.

It tickles me how many gay couples look like brothers. It is clear they are complete, narcissistic tools, so very in love with themselves, they must find a partner that looks just like them.

Not my thing. I have no “type” and have referred to myself as an equal opportunity slut. Don’t care if you are 6’4″ inch, bald, beautiful black man or a 5’2″, 120 lb, hairless Asian. If we click, we are going to have a good time but if the author dare step out with someone outside his social circle, he should be prepared to be ostracized by the very folks the author cites as his circle of “friends”. But that’s not likely to happen outside the anonymity of an out of town bathhouse.

I use quotation marks because I’ve been around the block a few times, and from what I’ve witnessed, the second you fall out of that circle due to age, weight gain, illness, job loss, you are dead to your “friends”. They will ostracize you and shame you out of the group.

How do I know this? I have friends who look like the author and try desperately to keep up with the unattractive, to me at least, Ken doll look. But they’re not very happy and when they need someone to really talk to or just crave some non-judgmental company to hang out with, they look no farther than me and the other social outcasts I tend to prefer.

We return them their self worth and send them back out into the world to wreak havoc on others psyches with their bitchy, mean girl ways because that is really what they are. Teenage girls. No disrespect to teenage girls but there is a striking similarity to the way these boys act compared to their high school aged female counterparts. Don’t believe me, just read the comments from his defenders who deride anyone critical of this article as fat, old, and gross despite the fact this is anonymous and very few have pictures of themselves attached to their posts.

And remember. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and no matter how bad you think you look, there will always be someone in the room who thinks you’re the hottest thing going. And for that, we should all be grateful.

Yeah its all good, but somehow, everyone looks the same in a lot of clubs LOL What is all of that? Were is the personality ! This feels like a commercial for clone like sheep with no backbone ; ) Lets all look the same and be the same

I sincerely hope no one who isn’t already gay friendly reads this garbage, as its arrogant and self-important rhetoric seeks to (purposefully??) undo years of positive gay rights activism. Disgustingly shallow.

I think that was properly hilarious!
Well-written, witty and oddly familiar.
It is very difficult to explain the hard life of the gays.
I live in bloody Melbourne where; especially in the Summer, there are practically the men of the Locker Rooms you spoke of just filling the streets (Slight exaggeration) so I definitely understand and agree.
But my question is …Why do we do this to ourselves?!? Haha!

It is nice to see someone get it all down. I have a slim, tall boyfriend who can eat whatever, whenever. i am short, stocky and just look at food and it sits on my hips for months. But when I am going through a “OMG how fat am I” moment I remember that my BF is still with me and he doesn’t want the mirror image of himself but does find appealing a broad shouldered, chunky monkey! They do say opposites attract. And I think I would rather have a slim tall BF than be one.

This article is pure trash. What about the gay men who don’t even have enough to eat every day. Do you know that gay men are highly overrepresented in homeless populations? What about them who would feel lucky to have enough to eat every day! Not all of us gays can afford (in more ways than one) to give a crap about what we look like because we are too busy surviving. Don’t generalize the community. Some of us love ourselves the way we are.

It’s not only “gay bodies” but look at what the “industry” does with straight women…look think, wear this, have your hair this way, etc. Will the “industry” ever focus on people, straight or gay, that are ordinary, average, has poundage, etc???? As my mama told me a long time ago, a person is all about their heart….what is inside…the shell or their outside makes no difference.

Sadly, in SoCal… this is pretty much par for the course as far as superficial, insecure gays go (which, in my experience, is about 75% of gays here in SoCal). It is also exactly why I firmly believe that we as gays need a cultural Renaissance. More and more I see gays across the board leaving out whole sections of the gay community because of the exact tripe this article spews… I mean come on.. how are you gonna decry the plethora of pics of hot guys we are forced to look at and then for every bullet point put pics of hot guys?. For too long the Weho-dominated physio-socio “elitists” (and I use the term sparingly) have set the bar for what we as gays are to aspire to. It is time we as gays step it up!

Orlando, you are spot on with your comments and not to mention cute. You have a perception that many don’t ever get to understand about themselves. Being a former fat kid, I can totally relate. Unfortunately, I have to go to the gym now to avoid being shunned from the community. Take care. 🙂

Just wait until you wake up one day and turn 45. You start working out like a mad man, and maybe even get a body better than you ever thought you could have. But you’re 45. And the moment anyone under 40 finds that out, you become that wiser, older advisor. Or invisible. Yeah. Mostly, invisible.

As a gay man who moved to West Hollywood when I was 19 yrs old….and am now 52 yrs old, I can attest to the truth in this article. It does not get any easier, either. At some point, however, you have to face yourself in the mirror and learn to love yourself just the way you are. Having basically grown up here, I understand the body-worship craziness in WeHo. While it can be fun as a young queen…..it is certainly not reality. Stick around long enough and you’ll have to eventually accept and love yourself just the way you are.

I agree with almost all of this for sure. My body image issues started when I was much younger. My parents are not the healthiest people I know (mom has a hernia that cannot be repaired and has lost weight the extreme way and dad just had stints if that tells anyone anything), but they were never I guess conscious of what would happen later with how I ate and how it would affect me. I went through HS feeling like the fat, ugly kid I was. I heard it repeatedly how fat and ugly I was even though there were guys much larger than me weight wise I was still the fat one, the ugly one. Our rural HS had no access to gym’s that were usable by anyone just off the street so unless I picked up a football or basketball or even a bat there was no chance of me learning about how to exercise, how to use the machines, or what I could do at home that would break me into exercising regularly.

I expected things to change a little bit in college, but I was thrown into a helluva situation which made me feel worse. I guess its an effect that happens to anyone in college. My first roommate experience saw me living with a tall fairly built guy who played football in HS and had attempted to play for our school. All of his friends he met during the early move in period when he was trying out were all, of course, former HS football players who were built the same or better than he. I was met with ridicule immediately for not knowing what to do in the gym and not taking part in going to the new gym built on campus nearby. Since I wasn’t the one bringing home a girl every night or had a gf already who I was having sex with in my bed for him to walk in on he decided to move so he could share in having sex in the same room as his friend who would be with a girl doing the same thing. I never made friends at school really. My first year here I was immediately told by a sorority how ugly and disgusting I look. Another told me how fat I was. It was so shocking how openly they would respond to someone they didn’t even know, but I guess the fraternities used them as a way to weed out the losers, which I guess I was to them. They did as they were told to keep me from talking to those guys about joining so I avoided them all together later. My campus, just like many I assume, looks like someone shook the Abercrombie Quarterly out over it. Guys who work out all the time or worked out at home and came here looking great but even with all the beer they still have their perfect bodies had a profound effect on me that many times I was neglected by professors or people I wanted to be social with because I didn’t look a certain way. Even if I went to the gay club here I was met with outcasting because I wasn’t skinny with a six pack. I was usually asked why I was there or asked to just leave. Many times I just wanted to die. I did attempt to kill myself many times just over the way I look. I’ve tried and failed many times, but still continue to just get bigger and worse looking. I think over many times “if I was better looking I’d have a better job” or “I’d have a larger group of friends that love having me around or respected me”.

I still to this day hate the way I look. I’ve exercised, I’ve dieted and still cannot lose a pound. I’m depressed and anxious more now then I was before because, unlike many here on this blog, I’m living the life of a lonely person because I’m socially outcasted for my weight and looks. I just know if I remotely looked anything like the person who wrote this blog I’d probably be more successful and have an enjoyable life, and probably wouldn’t have tried to commit suicide all those times I did. I just know for a fact if I was a body double of this blogger I wouldn’t be in the situation I’m in now because I would have a great job and friends to help and my family would acknowledge my existence. For me though its too late. I’m never going to know love and I’ll never know what its like to have friends.

@justy84wvu: Your response is incredibly disheartening. You should know that you are not the only one who feels this way (or has felt this way) and that weight loss is not impossible, it is just a lot of really fucking hard work. I was around 325 at my heavies and now fluctuate between 175-185, but that process took years. You have to be ready for the long haul!

Check out my blog (fatqueer.blogspot.com) where I chronicle that process and my progress. Or feel free to email me (FQ0001@gmail.com) if you need someone to chat with, or want to talk/have questions about anything weight loss/weight/being gay and fat/etc. related. Seriously, I’ve been where you are. I’ve had those same thoughts. But it’s no the death sentence you might think.

Some friends found this “article” funny, I find it a sad account of a person, who though self-admittingly looks “normal”, must suffer from body dysmorphia disorder and who would like to generalize this to all gays. Most likely it’s his own issues that make him want to tell us why the rest of the gays have the same body problems and obsessions, but noooooo, it’s ALL gays who see themselves fat, compete with their bf who’ll look hotter, see every other man as a body building model but themselves as a fat cow, and their ivy league education fkd them up. Well, dear, no NOT all gays are the way you are. We might want to build up to look more attractive, just like any other person in the world, or we might build up to feel more secure against the ones we think might bully us bec we are gay, but the extent to which you take it is sad, and I think you need better friends around you to tell you you look good, a better bf who won’t compete with you (IF that’s what he does, tho I think it’s all in your head), and definitely a good therapist to help you out. Then you might find more healthy ways of looking at well-built gays, and at yourself.

I am in the same body shape as you, What I find myself saying is that I am “straight skinny but gay fat” and all my gay friend think its hilarious and that I’m being a jokester but I truly feel that way.

Clearly, this article is written from the perspective of someone who lives in a big city. As with any big city, there will be more competition. So, one has to do what is believed to be necessary to stand out (even if a bit obsessive). So, though it doesn’t refer to all gays, it certainly has truth.

I’m a straight woman, and this article made me so sad. I’ve dealt with having a bad body image in the past as well, although I am a healthy, thin person. It may be all you’ve ever known, but it’s not a nice way to live. I don’t believe that having a bad body image makes you more “vibrant.” In my opinion, you seem a bit narcissistic, and I think you would be a happier, healthier person if you projected some of that energy outside of yourself.

I lived on Bondi Beach for two years, I am not fat by any standards but I’m not ripped either. Heart to Muscle ratio is something all gay men should consider a lot more! We are victims of our own standards at the end of the day and by the way, I have no complaints about your body – it’s perfect.

This piece is spot on. I’m fortunate enough to live right on Commercial St in Provincetown, MA for 1/2 the year. There couldn’t be a better place to watch all this unfold. Jacked up, juiced rippling bodies in tiny swim suits from May until September. Makes one feel totally inadequate but then they are vacationing here and I own a place and am retired at a young age due to lots of hard work instead of gym time so I’d rather be where I’m at. Interestingly the Bear Week crowd seems much happier, adjusted and friendlier than the adonis folks.

As a 50+ year old I wonder what will happen to all these young fellows as life knocks them down, when their parents die, careers don’t work ou as they dreamed, friends disappear, etc. Will they still have perfect bodies? I also note how financial strapped many of these guys are. If they spent as much time working with their brains and as their brawn many would be much farther ahead in life. All that said, gotta go work out!

oh for crying out loud. Orlando, you’re cute. witty. but this article is kinda lame. why, cos it only makes everyone reading more self conscious about their looks. the fact that you are addressing this only feeds into people’s insecurities. gays, go workout. don’t kill yourselves. also, work on your inner self just as hard as your physique. balance that shit out and quit whining about how fat you think you look.

Body image is not the only thing that dominates the gay community. Drug and alcohol abuse is rampant. You won’t find a single gay venue in NYC or LA where alcohol consumption is not the center of activity on the weekend. Then you have severe mental health problems that many gay men face but hate to discuss openly and honestly. They treat their mental health problems with alcohol and promiscuous sex, but that never makes them completely happy. They continue with this cycle until they’re too old to for the drunken hook up scene, so then they whither away from the scene on to groups like SAGE.

Very sad comment supporting the idea of WeHo as the apotheosis of gay male body self-image disorder, despite his attempt at humor. Yes, we all suffer from some form of this, but this reaffirms for me something many years of experience in both geographical ‘sides’ of the gay community in LA: The more perfect bodies are very often uncomfortable in them. When value and friendship, not to mention narrow ideas of sensuality are based on superficial aesthetic models, these basic human issues get pushed to extremes. No wonder LA gets labeled superficial.

Okay I am guessing this is supposed to be satire. (Or at least I am hoping it is.) Even as a satrical article it is still really poorly written and just not funny. Satire is supposed to be somewhat intelligent. This reads like something I wrote for a high school sociology project, last minute, and write before I got on the bus to school.

if it is supposed to be serious, I can pull this article apart for the obvious. It’s sexist, elitist, racist (why is there only pictures of white guys?), and I’m tasting a little bit of internalize homophobia here. Yes, gay or straight or white or black or asian male or female or whatever, body image issues is a horrible horrible thing.

If it is supposed to be funny, it’s really distasteful. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, mental health issues are huge problems in the GLBTQ community, and this mindset of striving to be “perfect” is not helpful or productive. I have first hand expereince there.

I think that I would be able to take this better if the author was a fat cow. He is quite hot, actually. Living in Wilton Manors, I deal with this body stuff every day. Some days, I’m too fat to leave my apartment. However, on the flip side of that, it makes me feel better that even hot people think that they are repulsive sometimes too. I wish I could get over this and accept myself, because life would be a lot more fun.

I thank this article for tackling fatphobia in society and as a result, yes, in the gay and greater queer community. The LGBTQ community is thin-obsessed for several reasons, one major one being the enormous emphasis we place on personal construction of aesthetics (often used as a defense mechanism or a historical reflex- to gain personal status in a largely heteronormative and alienating American culture). However, to speak to this history of American culture, it is obvious that this article was written by a white, middle-upper class gay man for the main consumption of other white, middle-upper class gay men (preferably with an Ivy League education). I’m sorry but, “Because of all their money, intelligence, and free time, Gays love hobbies. Being manic about our bodies is just another activity to add to our list of Gay Cruises, hipster-indie concerts, and gallery openings.” Oh, if only all “gays” could afford the luxuriously lifestyle of intelligence, money, and free time and dabble in hipster-indie concerts and the cutting-edge gallery openings. The unfortunately reality is that not all gays come from the same privileged socio-economic background to participate in what is historically classified as “white culture”. If gays are writing articles about the systematic pressures placed on homosexual bodies by American culture, it might be useful to look around and ask why all of “the gays” at the hipster-indie concert are all white guys with bulging wallets. This isn’t just coincidence. This is the racially blind hypocrisy of the greater gay community and the undercurrent (whether we want to talk about it or not) of this article.

I thought the article obviously tackled an issue that the author holds very sacred to the health and sustainability of a more body-positive LGBTQ community- but, one of the greatest injustices of the LGBTQ community is preaching “acceptance” “love” and “what’s on the inside”- from yes, a bunch of good-looking, white, politically conscious and unfortunately wealthy activists. If we want to build a community that does not alienate anybody for who they love, how they love, what they love, or how they look- we need to ACTUALLY DO THAT. And it is difficult for me to take seriously any article written about social oppression (in this case, fatphobia) in which the author does not effectively check his/her own privilege first.

As a gay resident of New York City, I have to say that I know and see plenty of guys who do not fit the description of the ‘typical’ gay man you claim inhabits the city. Go into any gay bar/club in Manhattan or even in a city like Chicago and you see all sorts of guys with different body types, young and old. If you are that concerned with how your body looks and is perceived by others, then maybe you should hit the gym more and do something about it rather than sitting at your computer and complaining about it. Since you claim that you do not consider yourself overweight, I am not sure why you would even care. Unless your criteria for a man is as shallow as how you infer the entire gay community is in this blog entry, then you should focus on finding people who are less concerned with how big your muscles are and more with your personality and character. I am fully aware of how shallow society can be, but this goes for straight and gay individuals alike.

I’m an Former Small Town Fat Kid Living In The Big City (FSTFKLITBC), and IMO this piece honestly depicts the confidence struggles of a modern ‘big city’ gay. ‘Big city’ pains (like First World Pains) are a real–if somewhat indulgent–phenomenon. You could easily supplant this article onto the struggles heterosexual women face in the city (i.e. balancing pressure to have a career versus have a family, competing for male attention, the financial pressures of staying on trend – not to mention endless wedding-related events, etc.). You speak the truth.

What about bears? They love their boyfriends fat and unwaxed. And they always look happy. Queers come in all shapes and sizes. The problem is a Hollywood problem, not just for gays but everyone in that culture. Having a healthy normal body is good enough in most other cultures. I live in Montreal where most gay guys have normal healthy bodies. When you see someone who is too beefed up, too tanned, or his teeth are too white, you immediately recognize that this person has a self-esteem problem – and its tacky. These people look good in photos, but in person they just look fake. Forget going to the gym. Keep a kettle bell and chin-up bar at home, go jogging, and do yoga. That’s all you need. You also might want to consider moving out of that toxic culture.

I think the author is taking some very big liberties with the gay community’s ethos here. I’m left with the opinion that the author is battling some very real body dysmorphia issues most likely left over from a childhood as a heavy person. I understand all too well residual effects of adolescent trauma, so I’m sympathetic. But to suggest that all gay people are insecure about how they look is not really fair. I don’t believe that “gay people hate their bodies.” I believe that when the author refers to “West Hollywood” he’s referring to a very small strip of heavily populated bars. Not everyone goes to them, not every one cares about how they look. Perhaps a little therapy and communication with your partner would help the author rid himself of his insecurities, because from what I can tell, he has a very aesthetically pleasing body that I’m sure is the result of hard work. Why isn’t he proud of his accomplishment? I’m 6′ and weigh 185 pounds. I don’t have abs, but I don’t have a paunch, either. I’m what one might call “average.” I have a happy relationship with my partner, I have lots of friends, and go to lots of parties – and I never feel inadequate or shameful about my appearance. I never feel compelled to take my shirt off, and when I do, say to go into a pool, I am not worried about what anyone else may be thinking about the state of my body – because I am with people that I know and trust as my friends, people that I know like me for who I am, not what I look like. Be warned that fear is a powerful emotion that can control and blur. But only if you allow it to do so.

I am a gay man in my forties who never, ever sees men who look like this in my world. Start going to some bear runs, hanging out with chubby chasers, attending Hotlanta (so all your models won’t be so light-skinned). Having been out for well over twenty years, there is nothing about this article that rings true to me.

Whilst I am straight, I do feel I need to comment here: there is nothing wrong with your body, but those swim shorts? Seriously? Therein lies the rub! That, my friend, is probably the only thing that you need to change.

But he’d be more accurate if he acknowledged that his discussion focuses on certain types of white gay men. His discussion does not consider how non-white gay men deal with body-image issues at all. For many non-white gay men, things are a little different.

he underlying message here is only 20-30 Something, White, Able, Thin, Beautiful, Successful cis-men are gay. Way to perpetuate the division in our community Mr. Orlando. I am all for joking and poking fun at the gross imagery and expectations in our community but this is a awful way to do it. *vomit*

I’m sure I’m not the only one, but I also live in Weho. I can definitely relate, even though I’m a straight girl. I run many, many miles simply to not be “fat,” and yet I feel like a fat, ugly cow every single day given the amount of people who walk around LA with virtually 0 physical imperfections. I’m a healthy size 6/8 and 137 pounds. My boyfriend says I’m sexy and my friends agree, but the pressure is most definitely ON both men and women! It’s most certainly a struggle, but I applaud you for being so honest about your own feelings and for making a thoughtful, yet light-hearted post.

(As a side note, the 24 hour fitness in Weho is ridiculous. I don’t know how people actually work out there with all the dazzling gods roaming around…)

I agree a lot of gays experience body dysmorphia, but I don’t really agree with a lot of this article… I think the closing paragraph actually really pissed me off, haha.

Personally I think our vanity and insecurities don’t lead us to be healthier.then our straight counterparts. I kind of find it insulting for someone to suggest it. I will say the author made a lot of great observations, but didn’t seek to at all to question anything critically.

I think as gay men who are sick of hating ourselves, we need to stand up and say there are more ways to be beautiful than to try and look like a kendoll. Physically, I’m in the same boat appearance wise as the author, and everyday I try and challenge my internalized loathing towards my own body, and to be frank, starving myself to be skinny is something I’ve tried and done. Not all gays can go to the gym(I work so much I don’t have time to do the things I enjoy, let alone excercise), and I’d argue most gays don’t look like models, nor should we waste so much energy trying to. In fact, I loathe that gays are so body manic, because I’ve seen how many of them treat others, and it disgusts me. We should work towards accepting our bodies, as a part of a healthier mind, along with being physically healthy(which doesn’t mean having a six pack or being a toned oiled up jock, or super skinny). People have different body types.

On a second note: I don’t know any gays with extra spending cash, other than those dudes on the A-List. I mean, if gay= being rich, then I’m so gay, I shouldn’t have any debt.

I wish this article left off on a more body positive note, and I hope that the author will write a second part to explore this a bit further. Other than that, this is kind of a shallow read, and doesn’t do anything to attack the issue it seeks to problematize. Sorry. :/

pathetic. the story, the “lives”, the responses. completely external shallow pretentious self loathing materialistic pretentious ostentatious empty. what a bunch of fucking losers. why i avoid LA like the plague that it is…

It is an issue of patriarchy, for which there are two rules: Men on top. Second, among men, the only proper relationship is competition. As gay men, we are little better than women in this warped order. We are not considered part of the ruling class. We are left to dwell on superficialities, like looks, or fashion, because like women, that is what we are allowed. We compete with each other, attacking sideways, rather than aim our outrage at those who oppress us.

This is the most vapid, icontrived piece of fluff I have ever read. I know it was meant to be humorous, but I did not find it funny. There really is nothing in here that gay men don’t already know, and it seemed like an excuse to just show pics of hot guys…

PS: I went to an Ivy League school, too, but you can’t give it any credit for being naturally handsome or having the kind of body the rest of us unathletic types would have loved to have. (I look far better now, or at least fit, through much dint of effort, not to mention access to high-end hair styling products, but still.) And every angry person on here needs to stop taking the article so literally. You are so clearly trying to make fun of your insecurities alone, but it has the foreseeable and unavoidable effect of making the rest of us feel truly inadequate for not looking like you or anyone else in those photos.

Orlando, you have done nothing if not prove that gay men are just as judgemental as any rightwing conservative finger-wagger. As an adult gay man, I find this article insulting. You are not the center of the universe, you are not special, you are simply a narcissist who cannot see past your own body. And that’s all your life seems to be – your body. How sad a creature you are, especially when there is so much work gays have yet to do to win the respect of those who wish we didn’t exist. You may be good looking on the outside, but you are rotten inside.

Gay men are their own worst enemies. How can we expect to be accepted by society at large when we discriminate against our own…based on such superficial things such as body type, age, looks, clothes, etc. This piece merely perpetuates gay mens’ obsession with image.

Usually when I read your posts I want to steal your furniture, but this time I just want to give you a big hug. (Ha! Freudian slip of the keyboard: At first I wrote “I just want to give you a big rug”!)

I am overweight and look nothing like a model, and yet miraculously I still seem to have fun. You have some good insights here, but sadly you seem an awful lot like one of those guys who only talked to me/hit on me after I lost 100 pounds in 2003.

I’ve found that gay men can be that way in ALL aspects of their lives. They compete not only in appearance, but (perceived) bank account, career, circle friends in which they travel, their homes and material possessions, all trying to one-up each other. Probably why all my friends are straight. And I think it stems from having been on the bottom rung of the ladder growing up as gay men in a hateful society, so that when you finally find a circle of like gay friends, you suddenly have the chance to be on the top rung of that smaller ladder; the big fish within your little pond. And so many gay men don’t care whose feelings they hurt to get there.

What we don’t see in the comments and replies is that, deep inside, the article could pertain to young girls and young women. Acceptance of one’s reality is very hard for all of us. Instead of stressing on what is beautiful or perfect, we should all strive to be healthy, beautiful inside, caring and helpful. Perfection is for those insecure about how others perceive them. I am not perfect but I strive to be someone who cares, helps and understands everyone.

I went to this article for and insightful article about gay mens body issues cause that is an issue for the majority of gay men. I can. It believe the limited perspective of the author who while trying to be funny has actually reinforced why he has all these body issues. Humans come in all shapes and sizes and have very different priorities than the gay men selected in the article. They are not the people I would live my life with and I feel bad for people who feel this is the only way to live life. I play rugby and we have guys on the team who are twink to bear and each size person has a place on the team and we are all in shape, healthy, and strong regardless of waist size. I have a husband who at 53 would put all of the men in the pictures above work harder at the gym.. Love yourself, eat healthy, and get exercise and say good by to these demons

Orlando Dumond Soria, this made me want to wretch. Your view on the topic is so damn myopic it is saddening. I don’t even quite understand your reasoning behind writing such an article, beyond self-indulgence, perpetuating myths and stereotypes, and disingenuously parading yourself as somehow more self-aware than all of those gay men around you who are somehow ‘plagued’ or oblivious. But it is clear, my fellow gay man, that you are just as much a perpetrator as you are an observer, and you give no perspective on how a gay man can free himself from our own bondage of body dysmorphia and self-destructive, superficial behavior. Therefore, I am going to assume that you are smugly comfortable immersing yourself in the cesspool of the gay hegemony. Wake UP, and look at yourself. Take a good look at yourself. Is THIS what you really want? It’s not what I wanted, and I am grateful to have separated myself from it.

Well, as for number 5, I think you got it up-side-down. The reason gays have better vacations, better cloths and well better everything compare to straight people is the fact that we have less expenses:
1. Smaller families (if in a relationship) to support (meaning no children or lower amount of).
2. We usually can share our clothes 🙂 (they can’t).
3. We put in 2 male salaries which is more then male+female total income…

This is such a disgusting article. People write trash like this and it only furthers the stereotypes that not only straight people have towards gay men, but the same stereotypes that gay men have toward one another. In this whole article you talk about your goals being “your goals” because of what other gay men are going to think about you if you “fail”. I’m sorry but at the end of the day what people think about me is the last thing on my mind before my head hits the pillow. More importantly I shape my life around BEING A GOOD HUMAN BEING over BEING THE PERFECT KEN DOLL because let’s face it NO ONE IS PERFECT. The only reason so many gay men are obsessed with their bodies is because they are seeking attention and feel validated from being objectified and why do they do that….because that is what GAY MEDIA tells them they should be doing. They should be working out, watching what they eat yet going out 5 nights a week to get drunk in a bar filled with the same egotistical/yet insecure clones, and having meaningless sex and all the while trying their best to come across as “masculine” or “straight”. It’s disgusting because this is all perpetuated by our own community, instead of saying “be your fabulous self and who cares what anyone else thinks” it’s more of “try to look and act like a porn star and people will pay attention to you”. All I know is I am happy with who I am and I don’t need the validation of shallow people who only care about tans, abs and ass to feel like I deserve happiness and success. By the way…if the “writer” of this article REALLY wonders why he has attracted so many people that “look like models” etc. it’s most likely because they’re all as shallow and brainwashed as he is…as they say “birds of a feather…”. And for the record YES I do watch what I eat, and I do stay physically active (I have never stepped foot in a gym), I drink but I do not go out and get wasted with shirtless men dancing and sweating and grinding all over the place (sorry I think it’s the epitome of tacky) and at the end of the day I care more about what my pets think about me than what some shallow and pedantic gay men do.

Looking forward to his next essay:
“Next to my friends I look like the picture of wisdom, empathy and thoughtful goodwill, but if you were to take me out of WEHO and put me into, well, just about anywhere else on earth, I’d come off as a nasty, hopelessly superficial, two-faced cunt. I guess I’m what’s known as ‘gay nice'”

I’m a white, gay, good-looking guy in L.A. and I was in WeHo this weekend at the Abbey having drinks with friends. I could obsess over the same shit, if I wanted to, but the truth is, that world really is a shallow, unhealthy bubble of ego and narcissism, centered around sexual hookups and gossip. I always leave there feeling a bit dirty and glad to be heading home to Echo Park (where gays come in all shapes, ages and colors)
Being “Gay” doesn’t mean the same as being a “WeHo Gay”.

To elaborate, consider that this phenomenon is actually much more general: gay men have their unattainable image of the skinny underwear model, straight men have their unattainable image of the steroid-buff weightlifter, femme women have their unattainable image of the pencil-thin model, and butch women have their unattainable image of the ultra-macho dyke. Body image issues plague all segments of society, and while its worth acknowledging the specific ways that they affect particular groups, we also need to recognize that they hurt everyone, even/especially the models whose bodies must fulfill these unattainable images.

I have to admit that before living in the US I never really cared about going to the gym at all. When I moved here and started seeing the pattern of the gay community about being in shape and get muscles, I felt the pressure to do it too and I did. I started going to the gym, I got a personal trainer and I was getting results. But my laziness and procrastination has always been stronger in me, so I haven’t been in a gym in two years. And even though I am lucky with my metabolism and I can’t eat pretty much anything I want, I prefer to have healthy eating habits, but that’s because I care about my health. It’s true, many gays want to have a great body and to be around by others like them. But not all of them are like that, and I feel very blessed to have gay friends from all different shapes, colors and mentality. I don’t want to generalize that all the pretty boys are selfish, because that will be also a lie. My personal mentality is: “give everybody the benefit of the doubt until I get to know the person better”. That’s my opinion.

I believe that someone was correct when he said it all boiled down to fear, fear of not being good enough, not being pretty enough, not being cute enough to get a partner, to succeed, to be liked. When you are brought to believe you are less than others, you strive in every way to be a litte more than others. So, life as a gay man can start off being a race, but a gay man who is moving toward a stronger spiritual life and living more authentically, would look more like you. Why, because if you don’t feel like working out, it’s not a bad thing. You do what you feel like you want to do it, and strive to be your best without failure attached to the outcome. We are all made in God’s imagine, straight and gay. So, we are perfect just the way we are.

This analysis is remarkably unreflective for someone touting an Ivy League education. The author dwells on the superficial to the exclusion of root causes. The self-esteem deficit attributable to the homophobia so many of us face in adolescence leads us to overrate the qualities of the high school jock. We chase the approval of jock surrogates into adulthood, seeking validation on terms that even the very attractive, like this author, find unattainable. The solution lies in creating the conditions in which LGBT teens can learn to love themselves, and value the fullness of the beauty that makes us so fabulous. The philistines invidiously preoccupied with the requirements of maintaining a perfect body are not the ones a thoughtful young gay man should idolize.

Dear Orlando,
Thank you for writing this piece. I’ve had all of these thoughts and more running through my head for years. Your approach to this whole topic was thoughtful, insightful and hilarious. My hat is off to you sir! Sidenote: I go to the same gym as you and I’d like to blame a lot of my problems on that place. Seriously everyone looks like/is a model. It’s overwhelming. And lately one of them with a large Jesus arm tattoo has been glaring/frowning at me. For no reason. Maybe he’s spacing out to his Kelly Clarkson jams and not aware that he is making direct eye contact with me. I’ve started going later in the evening to avoid all the models…it’s helping…a little bit. Still, it’s hard to feel good about yourself there. Another sidenote: I often found myself checking you out at this very gym hoping to make some flirtatious eye contact. Nothing ever came of it. I just thought you were one of those annoying hot guys…Sooooo, thank you for making me realize that this whole darn thing is about perspective. And also, now I know that the annoying hot guy who didn’t respond to my crazy eye contact is quite witty and funny and has something to say. Bravah!

this article is stupid. I’m gay, living in los angeles, and I don’t experience any of this bull shit. Please do not generalize to “the gays” because I am a gay that isn’t any part of this waste of internet space article.

i totally agree. this article is total hogwash. I live in LA as well. I know tons of gay men who don’t step foot in a gym who are completely fine with their bodies and tons more gay men who don’t go to the gym and look better than their gym-bunny counterparts. also i know tons of straight men obsessed with their bodies.

this is a gross and dangerous generalization of the gay community. and I love your shamless ivy league plug. also, i work in the art world and i sniff out your kind all the time because you never buy and just want to look cultured. your clearly not as deep as you fancy yourself to be if you consider bar tenders and personal trainers teachers and idols? give me a break.

this type of thinking keeps the gay community locked in a cycle of habitual dating, gymming, tanning, drinking. and its on par with the jersey shore. leads to the sick queeny infighting.

we should be spending our spare time not on cruises and shopping but on cultivating our spiritual selves, learning love and tolerance, and not comparing our bodies to a dolce ad.

Seems like some major body dysmorphic disorder/first world problem lamenting going on.

I too was confused if this was satire, honest, or link-flame bait. There’s definitely truth in the article, but the tone and point of view were a big turn off.
But as others have said, it doesnt really dive into the self hatred or shame of gay men’s body issues. Or the slap in the face it is to people who are truly struggling with their weight, see Orlando’s picture, then probably want to throw their laptop out the window.

But I have no Ken Doll looking friends

I go to a neighborhood YMCA where its just a lot of average moms and dads working out.

I’m probably 2 missed paychecks away from not being able to pay any bills or rent.

And if you’re not white, well its almost a double whammy since the gay media and the body images the market are almost always white males.
—
Also its interesting how the AIDS crisis has transformed the gay community’s idea of body image over the past 30 years.

This makes me want to see someone carpet bomb West Hollywood. I’m sick of you white, cis, assimilationist fags. You disgust me! Quit fat-shaming! Do you realize kids are killing themselves trying to look “attractive”? Not to mention the shame you hetero-normative assholes put on queer kids who don’t fit your idea good looks. Fuck you, you shallow prick! I really don’t think queer kids are killing themselves because of bullying. It’s because of dickheads like you who make them feel ashamed for who they when you’re supposed to be an ally.

I know that you mentioned that you didn’t write this to be told how wonderful/gross you look, but I just had to say a few things. First, I think you’re totally hot and truthfully, most of the other guys you showed are just way to built up for my taste of beauty. Personally if neither of us was taken, and you were willing to give me a shot, I’d snap you up in a heartbeat. i think you’re gorgeous. (And NO, I’m NOT just saying that to make you feel better about yourself. That would be a very stupid thing to do.)

And second, speaking as someone who is attracted to both men and women, I know exactly what you mean about comparing yourself to the people you’re attracted to. When it’s different genders, it’s not really possible. Both people are just too different in appearance. Now, when it comes to comparing two people of the same gender, it’s very easy to do. I’ve found that what works for me is to just appreciate that we’re different. (I know, I know…much easier said than done. Or written as the case may be.)

Just do you’re best to just appreciate that they’re different, you’re different, but you’re both beautiful in you’re own ways. Pretend that you’re comfortable in you’re own skin and the differences between you and others, and eventually you will be.

And yes, I do know this one from experience. As a formerly completely terrorized young bisexual, white-looking (though I’m a mutt), pagan who grew up in a mostly Hispanic neighborhood, I have my share of image issues to say the least, even though I’m not really fat. To say the least, I got very good at pretending to be comfortable, and sometimes it’s even true now. It’s just taken a long time and is still a work in progress.

Body image affects everyone, not just gays. Whether you’re a man, women, gay straight, or somewhere in between, the media shovels what we’re SUPPOSED to look like down our throats…and we take it and then run with it. I’ve found that the best solution is to either ignore the media, (which, admittedly, is very difficult), or to start pretending (also hard, but doable).

After reading many of the comments left as a response to this post I am disheartened. If we can find no rational discourse within our own community, how can we ever expect the larger world to engage in the same. It quickly devolves from differing opinions and points of view, to name-calling, death threats and hatred. Find some balance. Learn how to express opposing opinions without needing to vilify those you disagree with. We are in the midst of a culture war right here in the United States of America, that could impact all of our lives and yet we waste so much energy being divisive and tearing the community apart. Allow for multiple opinions and points of view, learn to communicate with respect and gain some perspective. The right wing is ready to follow Russia’s lead and send us all back to the stone ages, the Republican party is poised to un-do the amazing advances our community has made under our current President and we can’t even broker a polite discourse within our own community. Can’t the gay community do better than this? Take it on as a challenge and let’s see what we can do….

hahah mate spot on not only do we have the same name (Orlando) but looks like we think the same way but let me just say this to be loved dose not come from the out side but the inside so no matter what one looks like on the out side dose not mean they have it all..I to have a boyfriend that is hot and got a nice body but im not loving him for his looks but what he brings to the table.

You might be onto something. I am gay and could be the filthiest creature in my circle. Not that I consider it a compliment, but being gay doesn’t necessarily mean that one obsesses over one’s body. Cultural context is important as you pointed out. It is just another fact of my life that I am genetically bare-bones skinny and actually wish I had more flesh on me.

Sidenote: I feel no shame in saying that you look totally hot! Better than the pictures posted even, except maybe the bartender. 😉 I could kill you and have youe body grafted over me, but that sounds creepy and gross. 😀

This article is useless. Yet another tongue-in-cheek article by some wanna be witty queen. The closest kernels of truth come from #5 and #6. He forgets to add that some folks were bullied as a child while others had weight issues and they use the gym as a place to gain confidence and physical strength against a homophobic violent world

This was a perfectly good article idea wasted in a poor attempt to entertain the gays more than inform them. What a pity.

Please see that this is a post done with humorous intents. The author is clearly smart enough to know that he is not speaking for the entire community. Also, contrary to many enraged commenter claims, he does not ever attack or shame overweight people. Instead, he is using humor to lightheartedly put a mirror up to gays everywhere to point out the superficial nature of many different communities.

Also, if you want to express anger at what you perceive to be the message of a post, there is no need to act like preteens on youtube and rageface/faceroll your way into looking like an idiot.

I read this, laughed, read some of the comments some of which really made me think, now I’m off to in n out. Why? Because I could give two fucks if the Ken Doll in the corner thinks I’m hot or not, only thing I care about is if my drink is strong, if the DJ is going to be playing good music, getting to pizza rustica & making sure my friends get home safely. If a guy comes along and something beautiful comes out of it, then that’s awesome but not required.

But I’m sure as hell not going to be stressing over body issues just because I want approval of someone that doesn’t matter to me.

I know what you mean – I am female, but having had been in same-sex relationships (am bi), and having these ridiculously attractive girlfriends who are toned/flawless skin/amazing hair ALL THE TIME compared to…me…who is healthy and not below average looking, but has a major McDonalds addiction and studies/works full time…well, needless to say it can get REALLY disheartening.

I love the fact that the guy who wrote the article is absolutely gorgeous and spends a lot of time at the gym!! It’s like Kim Kardashian complaining about the fact that she thinks she has a big boodie and posting an image of it saying to people not to judge ahaha!!! So definitely empirically speaking the article is non sense but whoever wrote it definitely a cutie! GREAT! So now we can go on hating more our bodies now that we were shown what “intellectually I know I actually have a pretty normal body.” Zero intellect in posting the pic and in expressing what a NORMAL BODY is……
The more I think about it and the more I think we can ALLLLLL be GREAT WRITERS and having a column!! VIVA the internet!

If you have body issues now, looking as good as you do now, what’s gonna happen when you’re 40, 50, 60? Since we gays live so much longer than straights, according to you, then you may even live into 90s. Are you planning to kill yourself before then? Maybe, you should stick to going to the gym more often and not bother writing, because this is crap – trying to be funny but failing miserably, trying to be clever but lacking in intelligence, generalizing our community to the point where it’s offensive. With gay bloggers like you, who needs Ann Coulter. Gross….

For all the negative self loathing that you’ve vainly and gratuitously expressed about your privileged life, you’re largely contributing to a positive feedback mechanism by affirming stereotypes of gay men and contributing to the cycle that you find so troubling. The use of hyperbole in this article is apparent to me, but it largely comes across as being used to persuade yourself from the grand presumptions about gay men’s lifestyles that you purport. What you’ve presented is a perspective that only perceives a young adult bracket of the gay male population. Furthermore, from the pictures accompanying your sardonic text, it excludes gay men who aren’t white. But it shouldn’t bother me as a reader, because it has been declared by you from the start that your article is about your fight with your ego.

I had hoped that your article was about your perspective with which you could share to other gay men a rallying sense to fight what you percieve as a ubiquitous set of unrealistic expectations on physique in gay culture. But it’s evident from your rhetoric that by harking your exclusive and elusively sought Ivy League education and speaking from a position oblivious to people outside your socio-economic class that you have only written this on behalf of your disposition. Writing is a form of communication that presupposes an intent to share knowledge and meaning. Understandable that publishing online is far more easily done than traditional means, but if this is your public means to present your self doubt, please stop because it appears polemical by your exclusive stance as an author.

p.s. by mentioning that you work out at a gym, your body should have released unto thee endorphins which would counter much a negative insecurity

This is a depressing post. I know about all the things you wrote about and I feel it. But I can’t really take a lot of the insecurities you talk about seriously anymore. If I did, I’d probably be as neurotic as the person you describe. What’s sad about it is that what began as a culturally isolated phenomenon has set a precedent for a lifestyle prescription for gay men all over the world. Guys work out obsessively to look the part, give up their intelligence in order to look like Greek statues, become neurotic beings scared of their own reflections. It’s sad. Gay men are not necessarily better looking, more confident, or have more money than straight men. That’s all part of the marketing myth. You don’t need 50 pairs of designer underwear. You don’t need a tub of moisturizer that costs more than the price of a novel. What you need is a new outlook on life. And it’s not because you’re gay. Blaming gayness for your insecurities is like blaming sugar for making donuts exist.

By “lampooning” the lamentable Cosmo Magazine self-frivolization of gay men (+admitting yr guilt in participating in this culture) you’re also digging the gulches even further. Yes, instead of encouraging more thoughts about literature, politics, science, etc. your column is encouraging people to direct more anxieties towards their (caucasian) queer bodies, not less. That’s you’re self-aware of doing this does not excuse you at all. Thanks for nothing.

I hate to admit it but I really dislike my body. Guys who think they are fat (to some degree) are not always the disheartened ones. I’m a skinny guy who hasn’t yet figured out the best way to build muscle. I’m not anorexic. I’m more small chested (not flat), toned but small arms, etc. A straight guy at a party recently said that he didn’t believe I was gay because it didn’t look like I’d ever tried to “really” work out. He thought that all gays only went out in public if they’d forced themselves to look like models first. To a degree, that’s true. His comments and your great post both reminded me of the comic anxiousness I witnessed in the weeks leading up to Pride Week. Friend worried about being judged. Anyway, I do go to the gym but there I’m still in the phase when I feel a sort of paralyzing fear when Adonises are surrounding. A former boyfriend (who I’d call an Adonis) once said that I’d look better than him “if I tried. Why are you not trying?” I’ve only found the guys who are willing to criticize, not those ready to be a helpful gym buddy (unless you’re already an Adonis). It’s all about the friends you have, though, right? Also, I’ve also reach my late 20s. Even a couple of years ago, no gay guy seemed to mind my body. It’s the same body, I actually have abs now, and a lot of kale and water keep my face looking pretty young, but at the mention of my age (28), I’ve been told to start hitting the gym so that I’ll look both “like a man” and “like a real gay”.

I recognise the light tone of this article, so it might come on too strong to say it suffers from several sweeping generalisations. Not every gay has a boyfriend, look like a model, has money, intelligence and hobbies. In fact, I think body dysmorphia (which is a term wouldn’t use in this context as it relates to an individuals disorder) is just part of a bigger problem, and that is making sweeping generalisations to begin with. Which, with all of this supposed intelligence should be a thing of a past, don’t you think?
Let’s call it the right name: it’s not body dysmorphia but a cultural fallacy in thinking (body fascism, an ideology).

There is no question this author takes a myopic view of a very painful issue, but the problem is hardly his fault. The issue is a lack of compassion for self and others that leads some to stake their sense of worth on superficialities. The solution lies in greater acceptance of self and others, and appreciation of those qualities the reptilian brain overlooks. I grant that a few preening guys treat other gays with disdain if they aren’t physically perfect, yet most of us treat each other with respect. We must do better, but don’t shoot the messenger because he struggles with an issue that vexes nearly all of us to some extent.

The problem with this Soria guy playing the “looks = status” game is that he can’t win. Most people can’t, of course, but he _definitely_ can’t win. His face is about a 5 under the right light, he has zero muscle and he is rocking what appears to be a 2-pack. All the talk about how much he has to suffer to be gorgeous only makes him look like a gay Samantha Brick.

Which is why I would expect him to drop the shallow, ‘my looks are my worth’ crap and learn that behaving like a high school girl that wants to be popular but isn’t will never, ever make anyone happy. Ever.

Or he can continue to play this game he is on. And he can continue to fail.

I like the spirit of this post, but at the same time, you see a bit unaware that the images you chose to include in the post subliminally reinforce the fear and doubt your writing decries. I also think it generalizes far too much. Nice try, though.

Here’s the actual truth. Become fabulously wealthy. Then you can have whatever you want. Your hot model boyfriend cheats on you? Buy another one. Someone offends you? Ruin him socially with your connections. Someone calls you fat? Pay the bouncer to kick them out of the club. Ultimately the gay world revolves around money and the power it brings. Those who focus purely on aesthetic appearance never have the education/background/hope of having such wealth so instead they focus on something they can control but will ultimately betray them to loneliness. Oh, and the author sounds like a douche bag. He probably has a LV bag and a pair of Guccis and thinks he is the one percent like so many lost, vapid gay men.

I know what you mean. Most people met me first, then several months later they meet my husband, and they say “That’s YOUR husband!?” As if to say “How did a troll like you land that?” It’s pretty much the worst feeling ever.

I recently published a book on sexuality and fat, Fat Sex: The Naked Truth. I had throngs of people wanting to be interviewed about their experiences. Straight women and men, and lesbian women, that is. In the year I spent interviewing people I found one gay man willing to be interviewed. One. In looking for at least one gay man to interview I encountered some perspectives I only saw in the gay male community — while in the straight and lesbian community there are preferences, and some people have issues with those preferences — it’s a mixed bag. In the gay male community there was nearly a fear to speak up. An invisibility that seems far worse than what straight women experience — who are often quite invisible. Lucky I found one brave and very vocal soul. But he described a great deal of bigotry and pain. Very disturbing.

Honestly, as much as there is this type of gay running around, there are plenty of gays that DON’T look like this as well. You know, people with fairly normal bodies and who aren’t OBSESSED with looking that way. Gravitate toward these kind of people, have a great night out, and if you look like you are having a great time, people will gravitate to you anyway. I know this is easier said than done, but its your choice. Either the vapid life where your image rules who you are, or a personality that embodies who you are. Its the life you choose to lead.

Interesting piece. I’m lucky that I actually like and accept my body as is. It’s trim but athletic, I don’t have to do much but have always been an active person. I never really fell into the whole muscle worship thing, I guess I was working on my intellect and humor. But I understand the fear thing, and wanting to look good. Thanks for the gut level honesty, delivered with a wink.

I don’t agree with much of this other than fear. Speaking for myself, I never grew up with any self-esteem. I find this to be a common thread amongst homosexuals. That doesn’t mean that I displayed having no self-esteem, but what I displayed was my ego. Arrogant self-criticism is a function of my ego.
It wasn’t until I reached 30years of age that I ‘undiscovered’ the difference between ego and self-esteem. Today I am perfect with all my imperfections.

Gay men do not follow the typical psychosocial stages that heterosexuals follow. Therefore is something is corrupt in let’s say adolescence, It will continue to be corrupt through out life. The essence of shame and guilt build negative ego, while too much positive praise build an arrogant ego. Living in the two extremes of the ego is brutal and ubiquitous to the gay community. Think of promiscuity, body image, and drug addiction 🙂

You need to step outside of your microcosmic hellhole, and stop writing about yourself for a while. Or gay people for that matter. You don’t get to speak on behalf of anyone with such treacherously narrow-minded views. Go read some Larry Kramer.

I used to live in LA so I get where this bullshit comes from; but it is just that, BULLSHIT. Go hang out with some bears or hippy, hairy otters. Move to San Francisco or Minnesota. You and your community are just shallow queens. You don’t represent all gay men, you perpetuate stereotypes. It’s men like you and ideas like yours that had me NAIR-ing my body at 15. Now I am a happy, healthy and hairy otter who teaches yoga.

Stop including all of us in your body image issues.

I am not fat, I am also not waxed and ripped. I love myself and maybe you should too.

It is not healthy to stress out about your body, nor is it heathy to be ripped like crazy and only eat protein. So you are just kidding yourself if you think your body issues keep you heathy. HEALTH is not equal to SKINNY or RIPPED. Health is much more intricate: some people need to be bigger or smaller to be healthy.

You are a stupid and predictable queen, please stop projecting. I really hope no young gay men take you seriously, YOU ARE A HORRIBLE EXAMPLE! Go see a psychologist.

>>>Well those grapes are sour.. . . Gay men make 30 cents extra for every straight man’s dollar. So the ‘better at life thing’ is fine. Obviously this number is biased towards out gay males but that is clearly who his target audience is. The’ Apples to apples’ thing totally makes sense, the comparison is way easier when the component parts are so similar. If anything, I think that its because this DOES happen that you get an interest in sexual dimorphism in our homosexuals at all .. . to avoid the comparison.
His article was light hearted and a playful way to bring up some of the unique characteristics of dating the same sex. Dealing with shame that comes from growing up in a straight man’s world has many forms.. . and i think his article addressed them a lot better than the ever annoying hyper politically correct asshole who feels that pointing out how important avoiding the word “ALL” is … Broad strokes are a wonderful way to start a painting, and *Nobody* likes pointillism past grade 5.

Not completely agree with all of this. There are a lot of communities out there. For one, the bear community, which I am a part of. Let me assure you that many of the ultra-skinny guys and hairless guys in the community you are talking about are not wanted by most of the guys I know. First of all, these are not “perfect” bodies. Many are on the “too-skinny” side. Also, simply because someone has a thin body does not equate health. I know many larger guys that are very healthy. As far as being gay being better than being straight…I hope this is a joke. This is the type of statement that makes many in the straight community dislike the gay community. This is the stereotype…vapid, shallow, gay men running around f*&ing every guy they meet. That isn’t who I am and its not who the people I know are. We do not just value what is on the outside. You can be gorgeous on the outside, but if you have not self-worth and do not see the beauty of what is on the inside what is the point?

Hi, I read this post earlier today and thought it was open and honest. But I thought it was a bit stupid as well, playing the ‘witty’ card, without being very clever. Has the writer never had the idea it was ‘all in his head’? That he needed some perspective? In my experience I look good when I feel good and the other way round. If you take care of yourself, body and soul, your self perception will improve.
Having a body as shown in the pictures above isn’t on the same level as wearing clean underwear, is it?

So I really like this list for its satirical slant but I can’t help but feel like this is somewhat lacking, especially since you make it clear that you dont’ gravitate towards anyone that looks like a Ken Doll i.e. white only. Open your eyes to the rest of the color spectrum and maybe you won’t be so obsessed with your body too. The rest of us aren’t.

HELP! Your post is like a slap to my pretty face (according to few people). I really need to hit the gym asap. I don’t have a model boyfriend but I have my older husband that still maintaining his six packs (ok, i admit that he has 7 packs) three times a week at the gym. While the only thing I maintain is my one pack (belly). LOL

I went through all of that angst when I was in my gay twenties. After doing some modeling and dancing on pedestals in clubs in NYC, I finally reached my forties, and became invisible. I then realized that all of that angst and body consciousness/dysmorphia was ridiculous. I am now more attune to what is truly important in my life. it is such a relief to be out of that loop.

ONe. I know plenty of gay dads that are VERY out of shape. So don’t worry. Straightyfication is getting us one by one. Kids make everybody fat… even if your circle of friends is still skinny.

And two. MOST gay people don’t have such fabulous lives and hobbies. Your bubble got the best of you on that one. In fact… there was an article in the new york times about gay families and kids growing up with gay parents and most were located in the south.

You seemed to have forgotten the entire existence of anything other than the twink/gym bunny culture… gay men are as visually diverse as straight men. The bear culture in most urban areas is pretty well developed, where guys with extra hair and extra fat are not scoffed at or made to feel insignificant.

Orlando, you should learn to meet a few of them. Perhaps then you won’t be stuck in your incomplete view of who and what gay men are.

Wow. I thought this was a pretty accurate and relatively sensitive article about a serious topic that affects a lot of gay men. Sure it was written with a tongue in cheek tone. But why all the hate? I’m guessing you must have hit a nerve. I hope the negativity of these comments dont get to you, and you keep writing. This is good work.

Thank you for your candor. Your post may sound superficial to most people, but it really isn’t an easy ‘lifestyle’. At two percent body fat, you’d think I’d just relax, have a donut and enjoy my abs, but it doesn’t work that way. I work at a gay porn studio for Jack’s sake. Now if you’ll excuse me I must garner up enough energy to burn off the spring roll I had for dinner. (This is not a joke)

I only just realized who you are, Orlando. I’ve watched Emily since the first episode she was on Design Star and still DVR “Secrets Of A Stylist”. If you are the “fat, unattractive one” in your group, then there’s no hope for me. By those standards, I am a Quasimodo. I am a Dalek without armor. I am Jabba the Hut. I used to ask god every night why I wasn’t born looking like someone like you. If you are the fat, unattractive one…. sheesh.

You lament shitless gay men becoming a fad you don’t understand yet post a picture of yourself sans shirt in speedos and beg no one judge you? Your blog reeks of whine and particularly cheese. This only goes to perpetuate the hypocrisy of your bubble gay rhetoric. It opens no doors of thought nor does it advance any new dialogue. It’s purely vain and full of narcissism.

oen thing i havent heard many people consider is the problem of gays who are considered “too skinny.” might sound impossible for most people, but i am a young gay man who is pretty thin and ive constantly struggled with poor body image and low self esteem because i am not super cut and beefy like many guys would prefer. being a naturally thin and smaller person, i doubt i could ever really look like any of those models in that picture of you’re so – called “friends,” no matter how gym sessions or protein shakes i took on. i understand that for most gay guys that isnt the problem, but issues with negative body image can cut both ways. the ideal of a perfectly muscled male body can be hard to attain for both bigger AND smaller guys. i cant tell you how many judgmental looks and comments ive gotten from other gay dudes just because of my natural physique, as if it was some moral failing on my part. yet i feel like very few gay guys empathize with my predicament, since it seems that for most people the problem is keeping off weight instead of putitng it on.

unfortunately this article sums up many things which frustrate me about contemporary gay culture – materialistic, shallow, and shockingly judgmental. for a community that has had to struggle so much with persecution and hostility from the culture at large, you would think we would focus more on supporting each other and developing positive friendships and connections rather than trying to tear each other down. obviously people have innate preferences for the kinds of bodies and physique which they are attracted to. but i think this glorification of a certain kind of body can be really damaging and destructive… not to mention all the emphasis on masculinity and “Straight acting” which glorifies really butch guys while denigrating men who arent as gender conforming and would be considered more “feminine.” see: http://gawker.com/5924960/when-gay-men-think-baseball-caps-make-them-masculine

overall i often feel alienated from the mainstream gay community because i do not feel welcome or appreciated in part because i dont live up to this ideal standard of beauty or masculinity. not just as a potential lover but even as a friend and acquantaince. Not Cool.

thats retarded.. if u have friends only because ur skinny then they arent your friends.. u work out because u want to be healthy because u want better for yourself, u want to suceed in life. mentally, emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually. i am so happy that i dont have too may gay friends and if i did.. i wouldnt give a fuck if they thought i was fat. substance over superficiality goes a long way and if ur sucked into this mentality only shows that ur weak and have foundation of knowing who you are and what you bring to the world..i did however like that last line about taking over the world.. there is actually a secret 😉 😉 fb group of gay mexican jews trying to do the same thing.. *rolls eyes jk

I could relate with a lot that was written. I lived in West Hollywood, Miami, and NYC before moving to Charlotte. When I lived in NYC, I felt a certain pressure to look perfect. In some ways, that was good because it kept me on my toes as I also was a fat kid. When I moved to Charlotte, I walked less and guys seem to have more to obsess over then their bodies (like how big a house and yard they have). The good to that is less pressure, but easy to put on the pounds.

The bottom line. I have to be happy with who I am and that includes my body type. Unless I plan on spending a lot of time and money, I just might have to be happy at 175, 5’8, and 50 years old. We are all going to get old and when we are 75, we might need more than a skinny body to make us happy.

1) I am surrounded, like you, by images of society’s concept of “perfection.” Somewhat modified, conceded.

2) I do not compare myself to my partner; my partner does not look like me. I am attractive enough, but generally the body types I like are not like me. I am not entirely secure – I am human – but I am secure enough to know that some people will not find me sexy at all and some people will.

3) Locker room jealousy? It’s already enough to have pointed to the surrounding “perfect” images. Get over it.

4) My most respected gay leaders are my gay elected officials I support, my gay yoga teacher, my gay teachers from high school. If your most respected leader is a bartender – and God bless bartenders, I love them – you need to change your own perspective while not assuming it is everyone’s perspective. (That’s sort of an overall lesson here – it’s amazing how self-centered this post is, how unaware of how the rest of the world works or what it thinks.)

5) Do you know poor gay people? Do you know dumb gay people? Do you know stupid gay people? Surprise, they exist. You should voluteer outside your closed-off, potentially shallow (I don’t know you, maybe you have depth? Maybe?) little world and discover just how inane this list is.

6) See #5. Some people have other things to do.

7) Fear. Fine. Conceded. Quite often inflicted hateful outside forces; too often inflicted by nonsense bullshit like this post, trying to suggest there is a gay hegemonic world when there simply isn’t. Live your life, if you must, like this, but don’t assume it applies to everyone. Shockingly, the world over, there are a lot more points of view than yours. So myopic to suggest otherwise.

8) Idiotic. I can’t even.

9) See #4.

10) We have nothing better to do? Who ARE you? There is still AIDS, there is still poverty, there is still Celine Dion, and you think there is something to do to make this world better by eradicating those things; you don’t think we still don’t have anything better to do than spew out nonsense like this point?

In conclusion: I’m a gay white upper-middle class white guy who struggles with his body image but doesn’t have the raging insecurity to suggest whatever I think about myself must be what holds true for the rest of the world or the hubris to suggest that it should. Get out and do some good in the world, maybe open your eyes, and you could even find some beauty inside, not outside, yourself that you seem so desperately in need of.

You forgot to mention growing older, as in, over 28, and the loathsome spectacle of wrinkles and thinning hair. Every gay man over the age of thirty should commit suicide to prevent the culture from being destroyed by the merest suggestion of maturity and mortality (personally, I’ve been meaning to bump myself off for the past forty years. I just never seem to find the time; I’m too busy enjoying life. Sorry about that…)

it’s clear that people with body dysmorphia are the gate keepers in the fashion industry, as exposure of the capers of the horndog photographer terry richardson are beginning to surface. i’ve wondered for a long time exactly who it is who enforces the skinny rules and i think it’s somewhere between the photogs, for whom it is a sexual conquest, and the magazine editors like anna wintour and nina garcia. it definitely is a criterion of photography, and not real life. in hollywood, i bet it’s agents who tell people — as i recall jennifer aniston being told — lose 30 pounds or you’re not going to be cast. again, a criterion of the photogs, which in hwood are the producers and directors who sort headshots into two stacks: fuckable and unfuckable.
it’s all bullshit and i’m sorry to think you have been hornswoggled. let it go.

Everyone would love to be in better shape than they are. As a gay male, I understand that this pressure is far more intense in the gay community. Many of us have gravitated way more towards the superficial than the cerebral. Those of us who have skinny friends have sought them out. I can’t tell you how many online conversations I’ve had or overheard where gay men have declined friendship with other gay men who don’t fit the “hot” mold. Being skinny doesn’t mean you’re healthy any more than having a hot body will secure you a partner. In fact, many gay men with “hot” bodies flit from partner to partner because they believe “looks” are all that matter. I believe the gay community is in desperate need of an awakening. We’ve been living in the land of fairytales for way too long. That’s precisely why I’m writing a book to address some of these belief structures so more gay men can start living happier and much more fulfilling lives.

I understand that this article was clearly written to engender responses but not all gays hate their bodies. The bears do not. In fact, I think many in the gay community place way too much emphasis on the superficial over the cerebral. It is for this very reason I believe many in the gay community are in desperate need of an awakening. Being skinny is no more an indication of health than having six packs will give you a meaningful relationship. In fact, it appears many of these “perfect” boyfriends continually flit from relationship to relationship because they value “looks” over substance. This article reaffirms my need to give gay men a refreshing perspective to help them rethink the way they see their world. Until we address the issues of shame, self-worth and values in our community in a very meaningful way, we’ll only be doing ourselves more harm than good.

To each his or her own opinion. My opinion? You tread where I won’t, and for that I openly respect you. This post made me smile and weep at the most appropriate moments, leaving me with a smile of agreement–and a bitter sense of acceptance for such a human truth–after its conclusion.

LOVED This Article! BUT:
The Number One Reason Why GAYS [fags, and I am One…] Hate Their Bodies IS:
BECAUSE THEY ARE SO INCREDIBLY SUPERFICIAL!!!
I ALWAYS Say:
Down with Body NAZIS!!!
I’ll take Intellect, Artistic Persuasion and a Conversationalist ANY DAY over some Buff, Gym-Crazed, Male Model!
Just sayin’….

Remember when Chris Rock pointed out the difference between “black people and n*ggers?” Well, there’s a difference between gay people and trashy fagg*ts. I love gay people, but this here, folks, is a trashy fagg*t trying to attain some Abercrombie ideal that will never be realized because let’s face it, he’ll never be a straight, white, privileged, upper middle class,18-25 year old ivy league athlete with a porno body and model face – he can only emulate the image of power the best he can, an image dictated to him by gay media messages meant to project a ‘healthy’ body type (that itself is a dated reaction from the 80s and 90s to the ravages of the AIDS crisis.) I’ll bet my left testicle that the pretty white “intellectual” author and half of his so-called pretty white “friends”, once mid-life and gravity hits, will be among those sad old men at gay bars ogling the fresh meat because they lived their lives through revolving doors of superficial narcissism and sexual technology that becomes more obsolete with each passing day.

Although I understand that the writer of this piece feels this way, he is being disingenuous and, frankly, more than a little insulting to those of us who don’t have body-dysmorphic issues. I respect his right to write this clap-trap and I trust he’ll respect my right to call such.

I feel compelled to leave a comment not because of the main posting itself, but because of so many of the other comments I’ve read below the piece. Whether or not you agree with the author, whether or not you feel he is over-generalizing and lumping all gay men together when he’s talking about a small subset of gay men…you ABSOLUTELY are entitled to your opinion. But by calling him “superficial”, “vapid”, “moronic”, etc…you’re not displaying that you yourself are NOT part of the group of gay men of which he’s describing. Clearly by attacking him and his comments so viciously, you’re displaying your own insecurities. If you disagree, and I would say that about some of his points I certainly would, there is a way to voice your opinion without making yourself sounds like a bigot.

I will not say that I would agree with everything he says in his writings. I’m a bartender at a gay nightclub/bar in Montreal (not only a large metropolitan area, but also a large magnet-city for gays all over North America due to it’s culture, history, and more open minded atmosphere stemming from it’s European roots). I’ve met, I think I can safely assume, every kind of gay man that exists (with the possible exception of the rare gay man that does not consume alcohol). Because although we have a nightclub that caters to a younger crowd, we have a complex, and have a pub which provides a niche for an entirely different sort of clientele, and yet more with a rooftop terrace. I’ve met a lot of clients who treat the employees of the complex as little more than moving blow-up dolls. Cookie-cutter gays who have no substance, exactly the way many of the people who have left responses seem to be treating the author here. I’ve also met people who (wrongly, in my mind) treat our staff like Kings. Which corresponds to what Orlando himself was saying.

I could go on at length about every point made in his post, and about many of the comments made underneath. But that’s not why I wanted to comment, and I already feel like I’m rambling. To sum up, all I really want to say is: if you think you’re not a member of the superficial, ugly-on-the-inside group of gay men whom seem to be the stereotype of our kind, and you’d really like to point out your issues with this posting, then make it known by presenting your opinion in a way that is honest, respectful, and dignified.

Come on guys, just because you disagree doesn’t mean you have to be an ass.

Orlando, to you I say this: I understand a lot of your points, and I hope that you can find a way to live HAPPILY. If fear is your motivator, I’m not sure you can say that you’re happy right now. But if you think you are, or that you’re on the road to being happy, that’s what really matters.

To all the delusional people who quote bears as an example of inclusiveness, you obviously never went to a bear bar or a bear party. Bears can be amd usually are just as nazi about their arbirtrary set of body image prerequisites as their sex pack brethren, in their case, body fat 25%+, older than 32 and body hair.

I was cracking up reading this because it’s exactly how I feel. I was also a fat kid (30 pounds more than I am now) and I went through a quite harsh anorexia problem (literally counting calories and doing exercise all the time and not taking my t-shirt off at ANY time, not even the beach). Even nowadays I have the same problem but it’s come sort of a mission of mine to balance it out.
Yes, I agree it’s harsher for gays than normal guys. But I think it’s also a matter of working your mind and accepting you are the way you are. Nowadays I use my doctor as a reference point. If I’m healthy, with good vitamin levels, healthy weight and blood pressure, a good amount of body fat that is appropriate to me, then I accept it. Honestly – who gives a damn about the models. I’d rather date an intelligent, fun, cultured, sweet man who’s fat than a beautiful guy. You can find one that is both, of course, but it’s up to you to decide what is the part that is more relevant for you when you decide to stick with the guy!

FINALLY, there’s something good about being gay in Alabama…I don’t have to deal with this everyone-looks-like-a-model crap. Now, if I could just get over the fact that pretty much all my family and co-workers believe that me and my monogamous partner of 3 years are living in complete debauchery and face an eternity of hell…

FINALLY…a reason to be happy about being gay in Alabama. Few of my friends look like models. Now, if I could just get over the fact that most of my family and coworkers think I will spend an eternity in hell…

I’m sorry, but anyone who read your article and didn’t get the dual natured satire/seriousness shouldn’t be reading blogs to begin with. Your point was so clear and well-developed, and completely “comedieducational.”

Thanks for sharing this amusing piece.
However, it lacks a bit in the exact and complete department. There are gay people out there who are happy, feel comfortable in their “average” bodies and couldn’t care less what others think about their looks. Not all gays are gym bunnies, not all gay guys are fashion victims, or rich for that matter, and not all gay guys are on a diet. Please don’t mistake your microcosm for being representative of the entire spectrum of gay people, and above please don’t project those notions to the public. I think those stereotypes you exposed are very damaging to the rest of the community.
In case you wonder, I am not talking out of frustration: my boyfriend is very good looking, and I am a very average looking guy, but of the many reasons we are a couple none has to do with how we look.
Thank God, there exists gay guys who are not shallow!

I think the article makes so many overgeneralizations on so many levels.

First of all, most mature, rational people, either male or female, do not feel the need to look to the outside to make themselves feel good about themselves. Perhaps withholding praise might work on someone who is very young or someone who has very poor self-esteem, but anyone who needs other people to validate their own self-worth has major problems.

le funny and sarcastic, the author is too young to recall that what sparked the whole body image craze among gay men was a reaction to the AIDS epidemic: that one project an instant image of health to signal that one was not shriveling to death.

I see that this article is getting a lot of negative responses. It goes to show that everything is subjective. I completely related to what you have to say. I am a FFK (former fat kid) myself. I’m guessing that you live in Manhattan? For many of us, you are describing a reality. Manhattan is a microcosm of beautiful gay men with ripped hot bodies…It’s true! Of course there are all different types here as well, but there are a plethora of beautiful gay men here in this city. It really does have an affect on your self-esteem to be bombarded by “perfection.” I look around at my friends, my dates, the people at my gym – and they are exactly what you are describing. Maybe I am too? But, I would never know it. With that said, I try to make myself feel better by realizing that body and looks are not everything. I will say that a lot of these guys try to project this wonderful image – and whether it is reality or not – really doesn’t matter. I just wanted to let you know that I definitely understand where you’re coming from.. and I agree with a lot of what you have to say. Thanks for sharing!

“For full disclosure, this is approximately what my body looks like right now”
*sigh* Shut the fuck up. Also, if you’re waking up next to a boyfriend who looks like that, SHUT THE FUCK UP VERY QUICKLY.

Oh, and the bartender looks dumber than a sack of hair.

This blog entry is one of the reasons I hate most gay men and also a reason while I probably won’t see the year 2020.

The reason this article is getting so many negative responses is because it’s so true to life and all you politically correct faggots out there (including me) want it NOT to be true, because it’s NOT politically correct. Tough shit. You’re never going to deal with your body issues until you acknowledge the fact that you HAVE body issues. Most of the Adonises you see out there can’t maintain a relationship for more than two weeks. Most of the long-term relationships you see around you are REAL people with NORMAL bodies.

Of course we all want to be gorgeous; some of us have the willpower, some of us don’t. But do you really think gorgeous = true love? It doesn’t. Gorgeous = lots of mediocre, risky sex, lots of groping in dark corners and Sunday morning remorse. If that’s what you really want, get your ass into the gym, shave your chest hair, get a nose job and a two hundred dollar haircut and play Fag Fantasy with all the other delusional wanna-bes on Saturday nights. On the other hand, if you want to really love and be loved, get your heart and soul into a place where you can examine them honestly – are you a person you could truly love? Are you willing to value somebody for his virtues rather than for his six-pack?

Of course you’ll say yes, but really? Frankly, maturity sucks – big-time. But the alternative sucks even worse. You will get exactly the kind of relationship you’re ready for, good or bad, whenever you’re ready for it. Everybody who’s in a relationship knows that; everybody who’s not thinks it has something to do with what brand of underpants they’re wearing.

I could go on about this forever, but I’m going out for dinner now with my partner of three years. Trust me, neither one of us lives up to the homosexual, physical ideal, but we’ve found something in each other that is even more important. I love it when he scratches my head. He loves it when I hold him a certain way at night and listen to him talk about his drams. Such trivial stuff, so seemingly unimportant – but in the end, so much more important than muscles and/or how big your dick is…

I don’t think this article reflects the majority of men in America. I went through my body dysmorphia stage in my mid teens, and by the time I was 18, I was happy with what I looked like. It seems very immature to me, now that I’m 31, to worrying about what others think about you everywhere you go. I’m comfortable in my own skin, and if someone else doesn’t like it, ON TO THE NEXT Perhaps it is true of men in Los Angeles or New York, but many of the men there look fake to me anyway. Los Angeles is famous for being the capital of plastic surgery and breast implants in America, and anyone who compares themselves to LA people is comparing themselves to artificiality

I love how your comment is laden with judgment. There are great and “real” people in every city, including LA. Your comment is proof that there is at least one person full of judgement, where ever it is that you live.

Here in Killeen, Texas, a little bitty city right next to Fort Hood – we’ve spent the last year and a half building a really tight knit gay community. Most people think there are probably 5 gay guys here at most, but we’ve managed to find somewhere around 300 locally (remember it’s a small town in Texas) who are part of the group, and probably another 50 or so who are still too afraid to join but remain connected. We spend time having discussios with one another, going out to a movie, throwing a house party, a theme party (ever been to a Ramen party? FA-bulous!), “HomoLatte” (a coffee-house themed party), BBQs, etc. Basically, we’ve to a certain extent been able to chuckle at the West Hollywood gay mindset (Dallas, Tx is kind of our West Hollywood) and be about more important things like community, encouraging people in their journey, being there for one another and the ins and outs of the silliness of gay life. Do we have beautiful gay guys who are fit and in shape? Absolutely! And do we have slutty guys and bears and leather types and butch and femme and whatever? Sure we do. But in our group, a big, fat gay guy can sit down with a fit, put-together gay guy and they can laugh and joke and have a great time. Shows like “The A-list” are a complete joke to us (but we watch them, of course, for a good laugh). The point is…being skinny and beautiful is all good and well – but if you get hit by a bus or get Cancer and go through chemo – that body is going to suffer and you better hope that you’ve invested in something a little more longstanding than “look at my arms!!!” I liked this article, really. But being skinny and having beautiful friends is not the pinnacle of success for gay men. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

I totally agree with te fear part of this! I’ve read this article severald times mostly with friends! And the part on fear basically describes me! I do so much (I hate to admit this!) because I fear of looking bad to a department, homelessness, being lonely, and just wanting to be extremely successful! So fear of failure! It’s almost rediculous how much fear controls my life! I hate my body and start 5000 diets a year to lose weight, tone my body and keep in shape!

Let me just say it is in my personal experience that if you don’t look like those guys, you’ll be called a “woman”. It has given me a complex that goes back to when I was “In The Closet” and everyone was calling me “You’re the gayest guy I’ve ever met”. I think the body obsession comes from having to show we’re still men (though we aren’t often treated that way). I think somewhere in all of us, we feel like we weren’t treated with respect because we were “different” growing up so we lost believing in the image we saw in ourselves of the perfect male, and so we chase for it, and we rip each other to shit including ourselves, when we somehow still feel we fall short of being a man.
I’m sorry but I completely understand the Author’s frustration here and I think its about time SOMEONE fucking said it and expressed their body issues. How the fuck is anyone going to “love themselves” when our VERY CULTURE is pushed by the idea that gay men are “kind of men” – when I see those gay guys out there acting like queens but showing off their abs like they are macho, I am disgusted, and yet for a guy like me who tries to live with his average body, I FEEL emasculated when the boys with abs are PRAISED while I am called “Tranny” and it makes me completely question myself as a man all together. NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT because Oooooh don’t piss off the sleeping dragon (AKA Marketing) … but you can’t get around it, those billboard advertisements are IN OUR FACES everywhere we go, and what’s it make the average guy feel like ? ……. a little bitch, less than a straight man and less than his gay peers. Go on boys and shit on me for saying this one – cause at the end of the day I don’t know what anyone’s buying into anymore.

Jeez you are so effing handsome. Just know there are always (millions of) guys who are so much uglier, more unattractive(Im a good example). And bodies you can train and make but not much you can’t do about your face… 90% of plastic surgeries look super fake and artificial and disgusting but you are super handsome damn (and hence the model boyfriend)

Most of the people in the pictures you posted would not only eat 80 calories! They would all eat over the daily recommendation of calories to build muscle!! What do you want to look like a pre pubecent anorexic boy?? And im gay and dont feel that pressure! Very dublin stupid article

I’m guessing the writer is oblivious to the idea that not every gay looks like a Ken Doll or aspires to?

Or that the Gay-American-A&F-muscle-mary look is, in some parts of the world, considered quite unattractive?

I feel a bit sorry for a whole generation of gay guys who have spent half their lives in gyms, worrying about how they look, only to end up looking as outdated and cliched as a hanky toting 70s leather queen.

Sorry to be blunt, but as we say in London, that gym bunny look is just a bit ‘naff’

I think I’m the only one that doesn’t find it bad.Imagine if we had fell for the “it’s superficial” talk, gays would be guys with disgusting bodies.I’m tired of this PC bullshit that dismiss beauty.Aesthetic is one of the few things that makes sense in this world.

You will never be able to form a serious relationship then if that’s how you think. What you look like is merely a shell for your true self. It’s the personality of your partner that creates compatability, not simply what they look like. When you really like someone’s personality, they become more sexy in your eyes.

Men like you are why I try to avoid hanging out with gay men at all costs. You care about what people look like more than how they interact with others.

The perfect body is a complete illusion! Perfection is just a concept that differs from one person to another. What one person finds perfect/attractive, might be completely imperfect/unattractive to another person. I personally don’t find any of the men that you’ve posted in the pictures above attractive. To me they look completely unnatural – too pumped up on protein shake and arrogance. Posing in that “look at me” manner clearly demonstrates just how self absorbed and full of themselves they really are.

For me, the ‘muscle Mary’ look is an instant turn off. By and large, in my experience, body sculptors like that are usually too fixated and pre-occupied with the gym and how they look to care less about anything or anyone else. Would you really want to become like that or be in a relationship with someone like that? I think a lot of that constant preening and gym obsessing is driven by insecurity shame and inadequacy – why couldn’t they just accept the physique that they had in the first place? Why do they have to go to the gym to get a new physique? What was wrong with the one they had?

When you invest the majority of your time into how you look and constantly seek to sexually objectify yourself by posing topless in every other picture, then you’re more than likely only going to attract equally shallow types who are only going to want to use you for your body. What you put out there and how you represent yourself will determine the type of attention that you will attract. What concerns me is that so much investment goes into trying to create this body beautiful/flawless outer self, but what about their mental, psychological or emotional development – what do they do for that? Or is how we appear on the surface all that matters these days?

What we find attractive is entirely subjective – it’s in the eye of the beholder. Personally, someone with a degree of self awareness and emotional intelligence is a far bigger draw than brawn. Sure, there are conventional good looks, the ‘ideal body types’ that are rammed down our throats by the media. However, these are usually nothing more than ‘ideals’ created by media/advertising to try and inflict people with insecurity, to make us feel that if we don’t conform or aspire to them; look a certain way or have the latest must have item etc, then we’re somehow incomplete and inadequate. Once you see through all that media brainwashing it can no longer have power over you.

No matter who you are or what you become there will always be some reason to feel not good enough by society’s standards. Too fat, thin, tall, small – whatever…. the list is endless! It’s this constant trap created by media/advertising to keep us in a state of inadequacy – fearing that who we are naturally is never good enough. They inflict us with insecurity so that we go out and buy their products to try and make ourselves feel better. Media/advertisers will stoop to any level to make a profit! They don’t give a toss about people’s psychological wellbeing or the fact that some people are left feeling so insecure/inadequate that they end up committing suicide. No one is born feeling insecure – it’s all a product of social/cultural programming and conditioning.

Therefore, I strongly believe that until we learn to accept ourselves for the way we are NATURALLY we will never be able to achieve a lasting sense of inner contentment.

We should be encouraging people to accept themselves for the way they are naturally and only investing time and energy into building relationships with people who accept us for who we are, flaws included. All that media brainwashing can go to hell! Seeking to change ourselves through fear of not being attractive or good enough, or trying to be what we think others want us to be, only leads us down the path of eternal self loathing.

I think one reason that appears to be missing from the list is the desire for acceptance. Despite what some people might say gay people are still highly ostracised and marginalised from the mainstream hetero world. Many gay men try to make themselves as beautiful as possible in order to try and acquire acceptance from both the straight and gay community.
The comments re success and so forth, Im not sure gay people are more successful, but they have alot more status anxiety trying to acquire acceptance from people by trying to earn heaps of money in professional jobs and buy extravagant things to impress straight people and the “in gay” crowd.
Unfortunately I am subject to some of these temptations, and I try to shake them off. Its very sad, and I think us gay people need to be happy with who we are as we are and celebrate our own uniqueness. Lets go back to being bohemian free spirited gays like our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters from the 60s and 70s!
.

I figure fat bears who like other bears must be the happiest sort of gay. Lots of them, common body type, and no worries about having to change it. And if they are “successful” and want a hot young one from time to time, money talks.

Was in SF last year. Gloriously seedy place owned and run by extremely rich people. Walked all over downtown, Nob Hill, Chinatown, North Beach. No naked old gay men, just one “touch our junk” male strip club sign. Lots of Asian tourists, and street preachers amid a sea of homeless people. I guess liberalism there is more about indulging postmodern culture than promoting income and wealth equality.

Even if this article was written to be humorous, unfortunately it’s how most gay people think and feel and act and live their lives – appearances are everything and if you don’t accept it and take part and defend it with your life and act as if it is everything to you, then you are not a part of the gay community. If you add in promiscuous sex with anonymous strangers and being hypocrites, then you’ve got gay culture summed up to a “t.”

That’s why more and more homosexual men are choosing to stay away from the gay culture. Unfortunately, despite all the campaigning and screaming and getting up and arms about things, gay culture is all about sex, lies, and appearances. Even gay men who claim to be masculine still act like this. Gay men get mad when someone says they’re “straight-acting” but at the same time they use the word masculine like it’s a set of clothes you can put on. They don’t understand the true meaning of being a man and never will as long as they’re a part of this world. Someone up above said “This is why gay men willingly go to straight-reeducation camps.”

There’s a third way. We can just reject gay culture and all it stands for and still be good men who are homosexual and that’s just who we are attracted to and have relationships with. If there’s any replies to it, it will be a, “You must be old,” or “You must be bitter” or “You must be fat” or “You must be self-hating” but fortunately I am very happy with myself, just very unhappy with a community and a subculture that is everything the conservative media says it is and far worse, in reality.

I can’t say that this is accurate. There are those of us gay guys who actually are found as attractive for having larger frames. I’ve been asked out by guys who want me because I am bigger. I’ve got hair (hate to shave) and a little extra with a good personality. Guys aren’t just attracted to you because you’re a muscular man (if they are then there’s something wrong with them), somebody has to have a great personality to get anywhere.

If you don’t believe me, look at something called a “bear” in the gay community. They’re hairy, chubby, and muscular (not all the time). I know plenty that get asked out on tons of dates because they’re good people and guys like the extra girth. This article is supposed to be humorous but not everyone can understand sarcasm.

To be fair you sound like a complete gay ‘elitist’ hetrophobe!! If anyone straight made comments like the ones you have about gays, then they would be accused of being bigoted and hateful. Hypocritical! As for your article…Gays are addicted to physical appearance because they refuse to or can’t value what’s underneath. All the beautiful inner positive traits are not seen as important enough. Like a moth to a flame they’re hooked on the surface aesthetics. The decent gay lads sadly get dragged into this shallow sub culture too.

This article has some true points described in a shallow manner, the writer just seems to be advertising himself and fishing for compliments.I’m mixed Italian Arab and i have to say, another thing that me and my asian friend have experienced in the gay community e.g online websites, is lots of consistent horrendous racism.Some of it very blatant.Really hurts, So add skin colour-race,to intolerance for age, ‘masculine factor, how emotional you are, looks, wealth, body type etc… So Sad.

Wow your not fat! And I live in West Hollywood so I know that when you said “I’m fat according to West Hollywood” is not true my friend 🙂 there are ALOT of fat people here :p And if you think your fat boy you need a mirror :p I’m a straight girl and your body is better then most boys I’ve seen 🙂

This perception that all gay men are smoking hot, rich, preternaturally talented, and impeccably styled at all times has greatly contributed to my self-esteem and depression issues because I know I can never measure up to even a fraction of this image. I feel there’s an enormous amount of expectations being put on me because gay men are constantly being portrayed as gods.

btw, data doesn’t bear out that gay men on average have more money, have better jobs, etc. It’s just that the media culture of HW and NY give attention to those gay who are successful. Data also doesn’t support the meme that gay men are brighter than straight men.

Gay, straight, whatever, it’s all the same to me. People are people. But this page made me glad I’m a straight male, sorry to say — I don’t give a bleep what I look like nor do I care what anyone else thinks of my appearance.

I don’t know why anyone else would care about such irrelevant things, but no matter your sexuality: being superficial and materialistic is always a bad thing. IMO. Workout and eat right for your health, nothing else matters 🙂

The question is why are gays mostly sluts and have slept with hundreds of guys. why so obsessed. I am gay and believe me I have witnessed this. NOT one gay relationships among about a hundred I know of is faithful…they are full of deception, sneaking abound lying cheating dishonesty…which all amounts to emotional abuse. Please someone explain this and don’t say straights are the same. I know many straights who don’t behave this way and to say so is just a COP OUT and passing the buck.

Great article and certainly thought provoking – I hope anyway to those that have looks outweigh everything else ;). Yes fitness is good, but so is intelligence, exploring spirituality, knowledge – and just being a compassionate human being.

I for one whilst dont like “fat” sexually am attracted to the whole of a person and not just the body. Attracted to the mind as well and that is a more solid basis to be attracted to. Nice person over nice body any day I say.

Oh Orlando,
Don’t you worry about being fat! Your body is amazing. I’d be happy to look like you, and this is an European skinny guy at the age of 24 speaking here.
You are adorable. I love you and your body. If you were my boyfriend, there’ll be no doubt I would love all of you from top to toe.
😀
First, when I read the article, I thought “well, okay seems like he must have a reason for hating his body and being unhappy with himself, but as soon as I saw your picture, I was like “wtf?”. You don’t need to think about that at all. You don’t need to look like a model ( who are these model guys anyway, fake icons made beautiful by retouching. Me and 1000 other men would agree with me here.
Your 10 reasons why we gay guys hate our body are somewhat evident.
I often noticed some of these behaviours for myself. It’s annoying and humiliating to think about our bodies this way and to always envy someone else. Though it could be so easy, just accepting for who we are and love our bodies and treat them like a friend, because we only have one body and one life. 🙂

Well, I’ll tell ya Sorya. Yours is a problem that will eventually take care of it self. As you age, you will drop your intense body interest and OTHER things will take its place, and you’ll gradually start looking like all the other old people out there. It’s called LIFE.

I”ve spent my life trying to be fabulous. I’ve had an artsy career that ended up being very lucrative. My spouse has a successful corporate career. We have a beautiful home, live in one of the greatest cities in the world and until the last few years we fell somewhere between cute and hot. (Never could make the male model grade). But this past year I had an Aortal dissection. A condition that only 40% who develop it manage to survive. Right now I am waiting to have my chest cracked open so that they can do what is necessary to keep it from happening again. It’s changed my perspective on everything. I’ve learned my husband loves me in ways I never knew and I him. I don’t care so much what I look like, or if people think I’m sexy. I’m more interested in loving. Loving my family, my dog, my best friend’s kids, my best friends and whoever else might come into my life. This life doesn’t last forever boys and girls and what you think matters today might be meaningless in 10-20 years. Just try to love your imperfect self and spend most of the energy you do on trying to make that self perfect on loving and you’ll find that you were perfect all along.

I love this article. I first read it about a yet ago, but I find myself coming back to it every so often. It is truly enlightening. I am 5’8″ and very lean, yet I find myself so upset with my body over the smallest things. I am happy to hear that others feel the same, and that, although I am skinny, I can have legitimate fears and anxiety about my body and not feel guilty. Thank you.

Old post is old yeah, but let me be honest here. Being straight the one thing that you kept saying that constantly bugged me was well “Gays have…” treating this condition like its some sort of gay only problem. It’s not.

The idea of being superfical, wanting to look good, and wanting to change and wanting to change yourself is universal with the human race. When compared to movie stars we have already lost the war. The man who goes to the gym and exercises will obviously look better than the guy who does ntohing. It takes time, and for some people that is already too much.

The point I’m making here is that yes gays have hobbies, but so do straights. You kept saying “Because gays have…” like its their only thing in the world, and its like this is their problem only. Its not.

I agree with the previous poster that this is hardly a gay-only issue. I’m a straight guy and I’m depressed on a daily basis by how much I hate my body. I exercise daily and eat really healthy, but thx to terrible genetics I’m still physically below average. Its intensely depressing putting in so much effort just to be less pathetic. I’m 23 and still haven’t slept with a woman. The sad fact is that quality of life is determined by one dice roll at conception- get a bad outcome, and your life is over before it began.

Interesting – and nice photos. I’ve wondered about this because I’m a mom of a girl and three boys all are fairly fit, but it’s my gay son that I hug and feel like I need to tell him he is too thin. I don’t, but I think it. I’ve openly talked with my daughter about her self image and being careful not to compare and contrast too much, but I never had these conversations with any of my boys. Hum.

Wow, Connie – I think your gay son is lucky to have you for a mother. He might have all sorts of body image issues – most gay men do – and a sympathetic and supportive ear is the best medicine. Tread lightly – but go for it!

Men are inherited inferior? Science and history would disagree with you, up unto to that poin I was mildly interested. Women are infant just as shallow as men, it has been proven the that more wealthy a man looks the more attractive they appear to women. Stop making sexist comments, thanks. It isn’t a one way street.

Eugh! Autocorrect, not me. But all I’m saying is that your comment isn’t fair on any young men reading your post, don’t devalue masculinity because Women are just as shallow as men. Which in my opinion isn’t a bad thing, straight men and women are shallow for a reason.

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I wish there was a way to go against body fascism. To an activist against it. I wish all gay men embrace more than just body appearance. I wish I can prove all those gay arrogant men that they are wrong for being rude to less physically fit gay men like me. I want them to regret to the point they bow to me.

The gay life is great when your young, good looking and desirable. I never had to go home alone after the bars closed. I am a former male escort. It was fun cruising the guys at the bars. I am not being pretentious here, but I was never rejected but once. Now that I am 50, and it`s a whole different frame of mind. I have joined the hookup sites and I look a lot younger than my 50 years, but because of my age, the younger guys brush you off. Hey, I was once like that and thought how pathetic the old trolls were at the bar. The gay life is so SUPERFICIAL. If you don`t have huge pecs, huge biceps and a face to match, the younger gays guys want nothing to do with you. It`s so superficial and based on fantasy, but what these young guys don`t think about is one day they will be old. I watch what I eat, keep in shape and take good care of myself, but it`s that haunting age number …..50….that sucks….. many of the guys my age I am not attracted to. Pot bellies, bald, gray. I kinda feel sorry for the 20 somethings. like me, they think their youth is forever and don`t think about aging. It`s a sad lonely life.

Yes, I/we know. But I/we tend not to want to hang out with people who find our preoccupations silly and boring. Especially when we find THEIR preoccupations silly and boring. Get a grip – is being obsessed with your own body any less lofty than being obsessed with cars, fashion, keeping up with the Jones, etc.?

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As a gay man living in San Francisco, I find that guys love their body more than hate, and hate other people’s (read big) bodies with pure vile and hatred. Try going to a bar in Castro on a Saturday night wearing pants larger than 32 and watch the ‘ew’ faces come out.

Even though the article is hillarious, the reality of the gay community nowadays is getting worse (in terms of body image). There is a great majority of muscular guys & muscular “bear” type that will make you feel unwelcome (at the gym, club, restaurant, outdoor venue, etc) and very jugdemental towards people who are not physically gifted nor they don’t fit their body image standards. It is not only the young ones, but, older gay guys are caught up with this body image trend. Also, it seems gay men feel the need to display strength, security, and masculinity through physical appearance everywhere they go.

OOOOHHH!!! Another high school opinion piece based on stereotypes and using hot men pictures to suck people in. Another fabulous effort to drive webbers to this site so they can tell advertisers they get hundreds of thousands of hits every day.

Hmmm…. this is too easy. Its like someone walking in wearing shorts with bruised knees.

1. BECAUSE GAY PEOPLE LOVE SHOWING OFF. BODY, JOB, BF etc. I do it, you do it, we all do it. We all used to be fat little pariahs and now we’re here, we’re queer and we look better than you do so deal with it! I dont know why I and everyone else does it because its almost universally regarded as both annoying and completely transparent… but its our collective pathology.

2. Because gay guys only want to do anything physical with someone who has a perfect body (ideally) completely separate and apart from how their own body looks.

3. Because gay guys who “want a boyfriend” start with how a person looks and work backwards into caring about who a person is.

4. Because with Instagram/FB/Grindr etc. we are not subjected daily to at least 10 guys with perfect bodies where as say 15 years ago it was a lot more rare to see that.

It sounds like you are insecure about your current appearance when you look in the mirror. If I was being completely honest I would say, “Please, stop being a superficial gay.” I’m gay myself and I have come to terms with not bing the super hunky broad shouldered hunk in the gym. I am perfectly content with being an athletic build Latin man with self confidence. It’s not what you look that like matters, it’s how you act around others that matters. If you are one of the men that go around gawking or being jealous at/of “your friends” then it sounds like you need to reevaluate yourself and your surroundings. Gays do not hate their bodies, if anything they are more proud and “straight” forward about the way they are and dress!

As an actual fat gay person (265 lbs on a 5’6″ frame” i find these sorts of articles about being or feeling too fat from gorgeous gay guys who aren’t fat in the least to be somewhat patronizing. “I’m West Hollywood fat” … ooh poor you. Yes I understand that we all incorporate our fat shame thanks to an a-hole society, but some of us are struggling with obesity in a very real way and trying to love ourselves as it. It has nothing to do with having “friends who all look like Ken Dolls” … most of my friends look like average people ranging from skinny to fat. Or course, I live in San Francisco not West Hollywood. I’m fat because I’m addicted to eating and don’t like to exercise. I don’t want to look like everyone else, just to be comfortable in my own skin. There is one plus to being a fat gay guy though. It makes me like other fat gay guys more and find them sexy. We are not all shallow pieces of meat desperately wanting to be a clone of all the gym bunnies of the world.

theet’s face it dude, you can say you hate your body cuz you don’t anymore. You have worked hard to achieve the beautiful body you have today. I know you may not believe it, I’m in the same boat. Its not being gay so much as having grown up as a fat kid, both attributes(or not) I possess. Indeed, gay culture is rife with body worship but the harsh reality we must all face is that beautiful bodies account for such a small percentage of any demographic. I lived in LA so I have been to West Hollywood & let me tell you ; there are few prizes there as well. The hardest part about being gay is the body comparison in choosing a partner. Man vs Woman; there’s only one dick no shame. Just one dick… Insert slot V. Men are competitive, plain and simple but the majority are also lazy. A married friend of mine while on vacation in Vegas noted that the majority of the women were beautiful whereas their wealthy husbands were quite paunchy. Rich is the new and old black. In the end its all about marketing. The gay culture glorifies the body above all else. Its a very shallow premise and does not truely define who we REALLY are. Young gays latch onto the stereo types as an attempt to fit in much like someone who wears a team shirt or tattoo. Its a matter of trying to present an identity. Plain and simple; the majority of people have many positive elements. Trying to depict or objectify which are the most favorable should not be our concern. What other people think of us is none of our business. I prefer not to judge, or at least I keep my mind as open as I can. That being said, in closing, all those ISIS/ISIL Muthafuckas can die for all I care. Be kind to others.

Perhaps us gay people should acrually make over our hearts and souls instead of our bodies, after all whats the point of having good bodies when our hearys and souls are black as hell, i dont know what kind people bring into their life but i keep people in my life who arent superficial pos. And we wonder why it took so long for marriage equality

You’ve got some nerve. Save your pity party for someone else. Your self-deprecating article seeks to bring those you envy down with you. You obviously have a real problem with people who have hard bodies. If you want one, work for one. But, don’t degrade (in parentheses) bartenders and trainers as if they are below you. Image problems aren’t reserved for gay people. You are a fool. Get over yourself.

This article comes off more as boasting about his “hot” boyfriend and the vapid circle of friends he chooses to surround himself with. I agree with many of the posters – save the pity party and get to a gym if you really feel that bad. If you want to feel good about yourself, live for your best you and surround yourself with real, good people who love and care for you regardless of what your body looks like.

Um, can we stop pretending that only pretty people are gay? I don’t watch my calories, I HATE the gym, and unless I’m being paid to dress up I’m rocking sweat pants all day, every day and the most important part is that I love myself anyway. I. Love. Myself. The way I am. The way I wake up in the morning and the way I go to bed at night. And I am proudly gay. I am a part of the lgbt community, and am a loud supportive voice in my local community. I am tired of seeing articles by gay people, who may or may not have grown up like I did in a straight world with everyone telling you what you should like and how you should feel and if you’re different you should hate yourself, writing about why all gay people are, or should be, pretty models. They aren’t. I might not be #bodybeautiful baby, but that doesn’t mean I’m not beautiful.

Honestly, this is one of the most myopic articles I’ve read about gay men in a long, long time. No — not all gay men are like this. Perhaps most gay men in your *zip code* are — but that’s a far more surmountable problem. Gay men are not all yuppies, and we don’t all fall into your age bracket, your world view, or your insecurities. You’ve surrounded yourself with some pretty awful stereotypes, and worked hard to prove them true.

Don’t ever be affraid of what you look like, be proud of your body love yourself first . Many people with the perfect body sometimes are not the happiest and trust me when I say this as I work in the fitness industry, love who you are it’s the best place to start

This all goes away if you don’t just have gay friends … and don’t be insecure, who cares what what other people think, lige yourself and stop comparing yourself to anything other than yourself … life is not a race, the skinny people are not more happy just because they are skinny.

Free your mind and the rest will follow, even your opinion on your body 🙂

This is an attitude I found living in NYC in the 1980s-90s, but today most gay men who don’t live in a big city or aren’t single don’t live with your shallow obsessions. We’re too busy taking care of family members to take vacations, buy expensive wardrobes, etc. Articles with blanket claims about what it’s like to be “a gay” (and does anyone but Donald Trump use that phrase anymore?) is why almost all gay male characters on TV still fit this tired stereotype.

If you are a “Sex and the City” fan, watch the episode of when Samantha decides to get a boob job (Miranda gets married in this episode as well).

Samantha is known for having deluded self-confidence which has helped me navigate the gay world with some success. She discusses in this episode how much she loves her body. But, she’s unhappy with her breasts. So she investigates getting a boob job, which in turn, leads to a breast cancer diagnosis.

Samantha decides to skip the boob job obviously, and realizes what is really important in life. Health, Friends, Love. Not perfect boobs or a perfect body.

“The Gays” is an incredibly ignorant term which makes my skin crawl. It is from the sixties. It was copywrited by Archie Bunker. To.see this phrase in print by a modern journalist is shocking. This jpurnalis should be banned along with that term.

I give thanks I live in SF and my mind is not yet as twisted as the author’s. Dude, you have issues. You are an attractive white male… doing what? you feel “pressured” because your body is not “perfect”? It’s pretty F-ing perfect. Stop whining, get therapy and love yourself.

My biggest problem with this article is that is concisely amalgamates the entire homosexual male population into a single insecure, body-hating category, whilst also simultaneously ostracising the straight community as apparently fearless (“Dear Straight People”). What happened to unique and individual identification. Can we not move towards a unified ‘people community’ where sexual orientation doesn’t segregate us?