Edward D. Wood, Jr. (1924–1999) was an American director of moving pictures (or "Walkies") and considered by many to be the greatest interpreter of film and breadcrumbs. He left his mark in the woods on the way to the witch's house where he met Tiny Dr. Tim Burtoni, his maker. He was a known cross-dresser. You think we're joking but we're not. Seriously.

Contents

Biography

Ed Wood flipping through the latest issue of Masturbation Aficionado on his sofa.

Ed Wood was created by scientist and part time magicianTimothy Burtoni, who gave him the name of Edwardius Diane Holzenberg III. Most of his body parts were of Romanian descent. His creator often dressed him up in girly clothing, such as dresses, skirts, stockings, lingerie, bikinis, angora sweaters, pajamas and gloves. It is often theorized that this is why Edward grew up to become a transylvanian.

At the age of 35, Edward was given a Kodak movie camera, but joined the army by accident before he could put it to much use. It is a well-known fact that while fighting in World War II, Edward was less afraid of dying than he was of wearing male undergarments.

After the war, Edward joined the circus to appear as a sideshow freak. His act consisted of eating living trees. Presumably because this wasn't freaky enough, he later became a secondary transvestite. Dressing up as a woman first, quickly followed by dressing up as a man once again. The circus audience loved this act so much, that his star rose to incredible heights, and so did his wood. The next logical step for Eddy was to make a career in showbusiness, thus becoming a director of scientific porno and softcore fiction.

Edward met actor Béla "The Count" Lugosi in a café on the corner of Sunset Blvd. and Sesame Street in 1956. Ed convinced him to star in his new film Plan 9 From Outer Space], which was to be set on the moon. Sadly enough, Lugosi was killed in a bicycling accident the next day. Wood, who already shot some scenes with Lugosi that very morning, subsequently hired an obvious stand-in to complete filming.

Death

Ed Wood died in 1999 when he was filming a movie about rabid dogs. All of a sudden, the trained pack of Shitzus attacked Wood and his crew, as they were all eaten alive. A funeral with 10 people was held in a Stucky's parking lot. However, Wood's ghost has been spotted on occasions at a gay porn video store. Wood's ghost states he will visit Uwe Boll, a director who was inspired by him on his birthday to help him make a Bio-Dome prequel. Only Boll's freind Ronald McDonald is aware of this.