Tuesday, December 12, 2017

How to react when your friend or loved one comes out as transgender: A PSA

On
behalf of all my trans friends, and the global trans community, I am making a
PSA on how to react when your friend or loved one comes out as transgender. Because
I have heard stories, and it's clear ya'll cisgender have no clue what you're
doing.

There
is a world if difference between how cisgender and transgender people react to
the news that someone is coming out as trans.

Transgender
people say stuff like:

"That's so exciting!"

"Congratulations!"

"I'm so happy for you!"

"Oh my god, finally. Kidding, that's
awesome!"

Cisgender
people say stuff like:

"I'm so proud of you."

"I accept you."

"I support you."

"That's okay."

"I still love you."

"You're still the same person to
me."

Now,
its clear that cisgender people 1) mean well and 2) are surprised. However,
these responses are a bit grim. Despite their intended positivity, they reek of negative overtones. Mostly
because they are statements that SHOULD be a given.

If
you say you support someone who is trans, it implies there was a chance you
wouldn't. If you say you still love someone who is trans, it implies there was
a chance you wouldn't. And, quite frankly, if there was a chance you weren't
going to love said trans person after they had come out, they probably wouldn't
have come out to you at all. They would have held you a 'fuck off' party, with
banners telling you where to shove your opinion.

'I'm
so proud of you' is, well, its as patronising as shit. Same with 'That's
okay." Trust me, no one was asking your permission.

'You're
the same person to me' is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, its saying
'I'm not going to be a raging sexist and treat you differently'. And on the
other, your trans friend is thinking: "But you're going to use my correct
pronouns, right? Cause I'm not afraid to slap you."

When
someone is coming out as trans, they are not asking your permission or looking
for praise. They may not even want your support. Primarily, they are telling
you for one specific reason: So you can address
them by the correct gender pronouns in the future.

Coming
out as transgender is exactly like winning the lottery. It’s the best thing
that has EVER happened. Its freeing, it's exciting, it’s a bone-deep relief. However,
there is also a niggling fear that everyone is going to turn on you and demand
money, that this lottery win is going to turn into a fight and reduce any
previous harmony into a squabbling mess.

Treat
someone refusing to use someone else's correct pronouns like someone who is
refusing to deal with people unless they give them money. Imagine if you won
the lottery and suddenly your friends and family refused to talk to you unless
you paid them? Yeah. Exactly. If you see someone else refusing to use correct
pronouns, treat them with the same distain. Tell them its not cool, its petty
and cowardly and lazy and they need to grow the fuck up.

It
doesn't matter if you don't believe in playing the lotto. Just don't play. It doesn't
entitle you to other people's money. Likewise, you aren't entitled to have an
opinion on other people's gender. If you can't use correct pronouns, its
reasonable for them to cut you out of your life, because you are being a
complete sociopath.

So,
assuming you aren't an asshole, you might be wondering how you SHOULD react.
Take all your direction from trans people. This is exciting, it is a joyful
thing to be celebrated. (Also, try for ten damn seconds not to make it about
you and your feelings.) Practise the following:

"That's so exciting!"

"Congratulations!"

"I'm so happy for you!"

"Oh my god, finally. Kidding, that's
awesome!"

Next,
of course, come the questions. You are going to have questions and that is
natural. Some are okay, and some are not okay. DO NOT ask about surgery, its
none of your business. If you are close to someone, you might be able to ask IF
they are going to start hormones, you may not ask WHEN, since thy may not plan,
or be able to, take any.

You
can ask when someone realised they were trans, however it does sound like
you're about to start a debate, so tread carefully and don't be surprised if
you see wariness. It might be worth asking their pronouns, as if they are
gender queer, they may be using alternatives to he/she.

Also,
its not your transgender friend's job to educate you on all things trans. You
have a phone or a laptop. Google that shit.

So,
what can you talk about? Well, I've yet to meet a transgender person who doesn't
like talking about their new clothes. Transgender girls might be excited to
talk about makeup with you if you are also a girl. It might be nice for you to
offer to take them shopping, or to do things that are gender coded (eg: girls sleep
over, coming over to watch 'the game' with the boys).

The
biggest, kindest, most important thing you must dois think before you speak.
Using your friend's correct gender will become second nature eventually, but for
a little while its going to be like a chipped tooth: weird and frustrating.

Also,
when you get it wrong, just say: "Sorry, I mean X." and continue. Don't
make a big fuss. Don't apologise profusely. Don't make excuses. You made a
small mistake, you corrected it. Move on. Please do the same if you are
corrected by someone. Say: "Sorry, yes, X." and continue talking as
normal.

So,
there it is, people. Your guide to other people coming out trans. You have no
excuse not to get this right from here on out.

Honestly,
the most important thing to remember is that your friend is happier now. They
were suffering before, in silence and solitude, and now they are beginning to
strip that pain away. Treat it as the good news it is.

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About Me

Born in 1985, Talitha is a geeky Australian writer who spends an unhealthy amount of time reading and watching horror movies. She also loves fresh water shrimps and snakes, and lives in a house dominated by various tanks housing both. She advises that shrimps are the best companions for writers; as they always look like they are typing. Snakes, on the other hand, simply knock everything off your desk—including keyboards, mugs, entire computers and shrimp tanks.
Talitha’s other interests include entomology, rock climbing, reading, web design, photography and video gaming.