Thursday, January 10, 2013

Last week, Zoo With Roy sent me a direct message on Twitter that read:

“Do you have any interest in writing Bachelor recaps for ZWR? I’ve done them in the past. We can use Google Docs.”

Now I’m not sure what kind of flirt ZWR is – or if he knows anything about the ancient art of wooing – because if I were asking another dude to write for my blog (sic), I don’t think I’d attempt to seal the deal with, “We can use Google Docs.”

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe Google Docs is the preeminent document-sharing tool on the Internet and ZWR has its exclusive rights. (Personally, I’ve always preferred to use SharieDoccies.com, but that’s just me.) I just think the penguin’s offer might have been a littttttle more appealing if he closed with, “We can make loads of wet, hot cash!”

But I’m too old to play games, so after thinking about the offer for approximately 13 seconds, I agreed.

There was only one small problem: I ALSO have a blog(Editor's Note: the site is hilarious and I love it)where I write Bachelor recaps.

For the past two years, I’ve been building up a HUGE following at TVMyWifeWatches.blogspot.com, where my mother and her one friend who knows how to use a computer occasionally read my posts. The comments section is always flooded with hilarious stuff like, “Evan, call me. Your father’s stuck in the bathtub” and “Hey Ev, do you remember where we put the snorkel after the last time your father got stuck in the bathtub?” and “Hey, it’s Mom again. Did I ever tell you that when you were a baby we couldn’t find your dork for 16 months? Call me.” Oh, we have lots of fun over at TVMWW.

But now I’ve got an opportunity to reach THOUSANDS of readers. An opportunity to sell out my own fans (AND YES, TWO FANS IS TECHNICALLY PLURAL SO FANS IS THE PROPER TERMINOLOGY) and write Bach recaps here for a much larger audience.

BUT I CAN’T DO IT.

I CAN’T SELL OUT.

That’s not true, I can sell out. The only real problem is that ZWR is PG-rated and TVMWW can best be described as a “Total Slutwagon.”

So how ‘bout a compromise? For all you prudes out there who like to use condoms and watch PBS, you can read my recaps here. But for those of you who like to Ride the Rails ifyaknowwhatImean (I don’t, that makes no sense), head over to TV My Wife Watches dot blogspot dot com for the ill nana.

Okay, Sesame Street? Let’s do this!

So the show started and Sean met a few chicks and they all sucked and then this one lady walked in and she had the absolute BIGGEST _____ and Sean was like, “WHOA DOGGY!” and I was like, “HOLY ____! DID YOU SEE THAT LADY’S WAMMERS???” and my wife was like, “This is a commercial for dog food,” and I was like, “I LOVE CHINESE FOOD.”

The prettiest lady was definitely _______, who was wearing this _________ that really showed off her _____ and made me wanna come up behind her and _____ her hair and start singing, “I Ain’t Too Proud To _____,” while smelling her ______ and slowly whispering, “Seriously, I ain’t.”

Also
There was a lady with one arm. Like, an actual woman who only had one arm. You know how most people have two arms? Well, she had one. Although technically I guess she had one and a half arms, because on the part of her arm where her second arm was supposed to be she had half an arm. But she still referred to herself as only having “one arm” so who am I to argue? She was very sweet and nice and I’m really pulling for her, but the lady only had one arm she’s got no shot.

There was another lady from Slutsville, Montana, who attempted to have sex with a wall. I liked her A LOT. Sean on the other hand gave her the ole heave-ho, BECAUSE HE IS NOT SMART AND I HATE HIM.

That’s not true, I like the guy. Yeah, he’s a little boring and he loves Jesus a little too much, but he played linebacker at Kansas State so that’s pretty cool plus he has the most aggressive little goat nipples I’ve ever seen.

What else, what else? Hmmmmm, there were a few black chicks, but not the kind of black chicks that I’m into WHICH WAS VERY UNFORTUNATE. And there was a “Jumbotron Operator” although they never told us which Jumbotron she operates. Based on her lousy posture and overall clammy demeanor I’m guessing she operates the smallest, lamest Jumbotron ever. Do the Milwaukee Bucks have a Jumbotron? She got sent home. I talked about the lady with one arm already, right? Ummm, I think there might have been a lady with four feet? Honestly, I can’t remember. Between watching the Bach and looking at Twitter and trying to figure out how to set up Google Docs, the hours from 8pm to 10pm lon Monday were VERY stressful.

So if you didn’t watch the premiere…it doesn’t matter. Even though it’s a new seez with new ladies with new sexually transmitted diseases, it’s still the same lame show produced by the same lame white people.

I absolutely loved it.

THERE’S A LADY WITH ONE ARM! THAT’S UNPRECEDENTED!

DID I MENTION THAT I HAVE A BLOG??? HEAD OVER TO TVMWW FOR LOTS OF D-JOKES!!! CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME LEARN HOW TO USE GOOGLE DOCS???