I thought “My mom says I’m good looking” was the worst thing ever said on The Bachelorette but then that same guy started talking about how his “love tank” hadn’t been “depleted” and I threw up. Man, they really picked some winners for Des.

To be honest, I always have a hard time paying attention to these season premieres. All the guys look the same and most of them behave like asses. The guy who kept pestering Des to go to a “Fantasy Suite” on the first night though, that might have been a new low.

I mean, first of all, the guy who works in social media and speaks in hashtags? #ew. He makes me embarrassed to work in that industry. Thank goodness for the digital marketing analyst with the tragic family history. He needs to represent my people. We’re not all obnoxious. Hey, I know! Let’s all go and report his Twitter account for spam!

I also hated the guy who loves hot yoga and handing out free high-fives on the street. I punch strangers who approach me on the street. And the “tailor/magician”? One of those is a job, the other is an embarrassing hobby. It’s like me saying I’m a digital content strategist/cat aficionado.

You know, I liked Des when she was on The Bachelor. But I lost all respect for her when she didn’t send the shirtless guy home on the spot. When he asked “Will you accept these abs?” she should have said “#hellno”.

The lowest of the low, though, was the dad who pimped out his tiny son as a prop for the show. The little tyke stumbled out of a limo and awkwardly handed a flower to Des as she cooed about how cute he is.

Another weirdo was the guy who tried to dip Des (the dance move, not like, in chocolate) and freaked when her heel got caught on her dress. He obsessed about it for the rest of the night, and eventually Des sent him home.

I really don’t know who stayed and who left, but does it matter? It’s too early on to matter. But stay tuned, because I’ll be recapping this nonsense all summer! It’s a public service, guys.