I have more of a reason to be depressed now. Mom and Stepfather are fighting again. Mom thinks Stepfather was talking to a woman on the Internet or something, while Stepfather was actually talking to his brother. My Mom constantly goes on edge whenever she thinks Stepfather is cheating on her. It's really sick because he loves her too much to cheat, and no matter how many times he shows it, she gets pissed off, the two of them start cursing and yelling and driving me up the goddamn wall...

You know what, someone put a damn bullet through my brain, because I'm sick of this bullsh*t!!!

My mom came up to my door just now and knocked on it really loudly since my door is usually kept locked. She told me to open the door, but I get scared of her when she's angry. I told her I wouldn't open the door while she was angry and she stormed off. She's probably cursing Stepfather out again.

You know what? I f***ing hate my family. My mother's side is full of eccentrics, and my father's side is full of people with issues. Well, at least my father's immediate family has issues. I have yet to meet my dad's brother and his family. You know what, screw them too! They haven't see me since I was a goddamn baby, so screw them!!

Why the hell is my family so f***ing messed up, anyway?! What the bloody hell did I do in my former life to deserve this family???!!!

Crap and a half! It's been almost two weeks since my last entry! Well, school's been going alright, I guess. I haven't really made any friends, but I get along okay with other students. I've been a bit slacking in my schoolwork, too. I plan to amend that quickly. The sixteenth was my twin sister Lena's death day anniversary. I had an incident in English class because of it. Thankfully, I was outside the classroom when I broke down. I was sent to the student services office by Prof. Rosen, who was very helpful and kind. Unfortunately, because Prof. Rosen is also teaching my ORSEM (orientation seminar) class, the ORSEM counselor for my section wants to see me in her office on Monday.

Earlier this week, I took one two sedative pills before history class (they're prescribed by my psychiatrist) and I fell asleep several times. That's been cleared up, though... not much more to say... I feel very depressed for some reason... :(

Yesterday's classes went fine and dandy. I'm almost done with all my homework due Monday and Tuesday. It's mostly reading, anyway.

Anyway, let me explain the above title for this entry: I wanted a FrozFruit bar from the West Building's ice-cream machine. Instead of giving me one strawberry bar, it gave me two! TWO! I couldn't think of what else to do with the second bar, so I ate it. I could have given it to someone else, but it was morning yet and only someone as crazy as me would have wanted ice-cream that early. -_-;

Today was shweet. I went to two different yard / garage sales and got some kewl stuff: a squeaky Pac-Man toy from 1982, a stuffed-toy Mew keychain, a Twilight Zone comic book, a semi-cheap action figure of Venus di Milo from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation, and a plastic replica of one of Raphael's sai. I also went to BJ's with Mom and got three books by Gary Paulsen (The Hatchet and its sequel were great when I was kid!), plus three action figures from the new TMNT series!!

The TMNT figures from BJ's were sold in a three-pac, titled "Shredder's Revenge Set." It came with Leonardo, Donatello, and Shred-head himself. I got them mainly out of sentimental value. You see, I used to own a crapload of TMNT figures based on the original TV show when I was little. But then Dad took them away from me, saying they were his because he bought them and I didn't. Real sensitive fella, huh? Idiot did the same damn thing to my Disney Adventure magazines. Good thing I took the ones I wanted from his house before I stopped talking to him.

Anyway, my new Turtles figures, including Venus, are sitting on my bookshelf. The Set ones are sitting in a display that came with the box. It's made of cardboard and the inside looks like Shredder's lair. I intend on getting the other set at BJ's, which has Michelangelo (my favorite turtle), Raphael, and a Foot Soldier. It's $15, so it may take a while for me to get it, seeing as I have no job (no time, no talent). I have asked Mom to help me buy a new set of shelves, though. That's to help me display all my little toys and stuff. I've got a lot of them because (A) I'm a spoiled brat and (B) I'm a pack-rat. :P

I'm thinking of submitting a guest review to x-entertaiment.com about the Pac-Man toy I bought. If they accept guest reviews, anyway. They like reviewing 80's crap and stuff. Plus I love that website; it's so freakin' funny as hell. I'm probably going to visit it once I'm done with this entry.

I rejoined the Clock Crew today, which is a group on Newgrounds.com of Flash movie-makers. I can't make Flash, but I love the Crew. I had joined a long time ago, but then I got distracted and didn't speak with them for a while. I reannounced myself today on their BBS at Clockcrew.net, although I didn't receive much enthusiasm at all. I'm not that surprised as I wasn't around for very long at all to begin with, but it's kind of a let-down too because most of them regarded me as unimportant. Like they were snobby or some sh*t. I was somewhat disillusioned by this because I thought they weren't like that at all. :( Ah, screw it. Since when does anybody REALLY like me, anyway? Not even in real life, man. I must really suck or something...

Well, the first day actually went smoothly. I have no Wednesday classes, so Thursday was my second day, and that went alright even though I spent all afternoon buying all the books for my classes. I got home around 6:00.

I'm only missing one book, and that's for my English class today. Hopefully Prof. Rosen will understand that the book wasn't in the Hunter Bookstore nor in the Shakespeare and Company bookstore at 69th St. and Lexington. I'm also hoping no one else has the book either; that way I won't look irresponsible, which I wasn't in this case.

Apparently students from Marymount also purchase their books from Shakespeare and Company. My high school medical illustration teacher, Mr. Pakter, made a big deal about that school. His best female students end up there. Too bad I'm not interested in being hit on by boys from West Point. Stepfather's Younger Son almost went to West Point, but he's now in Citadel. I think he's nuts, honestly.

I've been babysitting a nine week-old puppy named Sunny (short for Sunshine). She's been a pain in the tail. She whines, barks, and bites, plus she has to go to the bathroom every ten minutes. She's supposed to go home today via my mother. I hope that's still the plan. But Sunny is still a very cute and loveable pup. She's a beagle-terrier mix, a natural-born explorer.

Anyway, I have to go. I have to take Sunny out in the yard again and make sure I have everything ready for today's class. Bye!

Well, it's around 8:20 as I write this. I have to leave for college today at 9:15 so I catch the express bus, ride for 45 minutes, then walk for ten blocks and get to my first class. Then one hour and fifteen minutes later, I go to my second class, and after another hour and some odd minutes, I go home.

I had a nightmare last night about what my first day would be like. I kept saying the wrong things and made two enemies. It scared me like you wouldn't believe. Dear Lord in heaven, please don't let that happen to me at all, let alone today. And please grant me the ability to always pay attention in my classes, and to do my schoolwork and homework above and beyond the expected requirements. That is all I ask. I don't care if I make friends or not, though that would be nice. Oh, and please don't let me come into contact with Hansel, my ex-boyfriend. He attends Hunter too, and I never want to see or hear from him again. I especially don't want to hear from his ex-girlfriend, who also attends Hunter. Please let me do well. Thank you and amen.

The sirens are screaming and the fires are howling,
way down in the valley tonight.
There's a man in the shadows with a gun in his eye,
and a blade shining oh so bright.
There's evil in the air and there's thunder in sky,
and A killer's on the bloodshot streets.
Oh and down in the tunnel where the deadly are rising,
Oh I swear I saw a young boy down in the gutter,
He was starting to foam in the heat.
Oh baby you're the only thing in this whole world
that's pure and good and right.
And wherever you are and wherever you go,
there's always gonna be some light.
But I gotta get out,
I gotta break it out now,
Before the final crack of dawn.
So we gotta make the most of our one night together.
When it's over you know,
We'll both be so alone.
Like a bat out of hell
I'll be gone when the morning comes.
When the night is over
Like a bat out of hell
I'll be gone gone gone.
Like a bat out of hell
I'll be gone when the morning comes.
But when the day is done and the sun goes down,
and the moonlights shining through,
Then like a sinner before the gates of heaven,
I'll come crawling on back to you.
I'm gonna hit the highway like a battering ram,
on a silver black phantom bike.
When the metal is hot and the engine is hungry,
and we're all about to see the light.
Nothing ever grows in this rotting old hole.
Everything is stunted and lost.
And nothing really rocks
And nothing really rolls
And nothing's ever worth the cost.
And I know that I'm damned if I never get out,
And maybe I'm damned if I do,
But with every other beat I've got left in my heart,
You know I'd rather be damned with you.
If I gotta be damned you know I wanns be damned,
dancing through the night with you.
If I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned.
Gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned.
If I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned,
Dancing through the night
Dancing through the night
Dancing through the night with you.
Oh baby you're the only thing in this whole world,
that's pure and good and right.
And wherever you are and wherever you go,
there's always gonna be some light.
But I gotta get out,
I gotta break it out now,
Before the final crack of dawn.
So we gotta make the most of our one night together.
When it's over you know,
We'll both be so alone.
Like a bat out of hell
I'll be gone when the morning comes.
When the night is over
Like a bat out of hell
I'll be gone gone gone.
Like a bat out of hell
I'll be gone when the morning comes.
But when the day is done and the sun goes down,
and the moonlights shining through,
Then like a sinner before the gates of heaven,
I'll come crawling on back to you.
I can see myself tearing up the road,
Faster than any other boy has ever gone.
And my skin is raw but my soul is ripe.
No-one's gonna stop me now,
I gotta make my escape.
But I can't stop thinking of you,
and I never see the sudden curve until it's way too late.
I never see the sudden curve 'till it's way too late.
Then I'm dying at the bottom of a pit in the blazing sun.
Torn and twisted at the foot of a burning bike.
And I think somebody somewhere must be tolling a bell.
And the last thing I see is my heart,
Still beating,
Breaking out of my body,
And flying away,
Like a bat out of hell.
Then I'm dying at the bottom of a pit in the blazing sun.
Torn and twisted at the foot of a burning bike.
And I think somebody somewhere must be tolling a bell.
And the last thing I see is my heart.
Still beating, still beating,
Breaking out of my body and flying away,
Like a bat out of hell.
Like a bat out of hell.
Like a bat out of hell.
Oh like a bat out of hell!
Oh like a bat out of hell!
Like a bat out of hell!

---

They told him don't you ever come around here
Don't wanna see your face, you better disappear
The fire's in their eyes and their words are really clear
So beat it, just beat it

You better run, you better do what you can
Don't wanna see no blood, don't be a macho man
You wanna be tough, better do what you can
So beat it, but you wanna be bad

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right
Just beat it, beat it
Just beat it, beat it
Just beat it, beat it
Just beat it, beat it

They're out to get you, better leave while you can
Don't wanna be a boy, you wanna be a man
You wanna stay alive, better do what you can
So beat it, just beat it

You have to show them that you're really not scared
You're playin' with your life, this ain't no truth or dare
They'll kick you, then they beat you,
Then they'll tell you it's fair
So beat it, but you wanna be bad

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right
Just beat it, beat it
Beat it, beat it, beat it

Beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right
Just beat it, beat it
Beat it, beat it, beat it

Beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Just beat it, beat it
Beat it, beat it, beat it

I was clearing all the messages from the message board I have (I'll post the link sometime) when I found this review I wrote on the movie "Identity."

---

May 19th, 2003

I saw the horror flick "Identity" today. In fact, I just got back from the theater. Man, I'm telling you, that thing scared the spit out of me. It's about these ten people who get stranded at a motel in a rainstorm, and just like Agatha Christie's "Ten Little indians," they all die horrible deaths one by one. The freaky part (at first) is that a corresponding numbered key is found on each person as they die. Example: first, this whiney actress gets her head lobbed off, and there's a key with a number 10 on it. This husband of a newlywed couple gets stabbed to death next, and he has a 9 on him. This keeps going and going until there are seemingly only four people left. We then find out (here's the next freaky part, though not the last) that this entire scenario is being played out in the mind of a serial murder convict with TEN multiple personalities, whom are dying off one by one as he is being interrogated the night before his scheduled execution. The motel is really his brain, and the people are each of his personalities. Near the end, only one personality is left. Her name is Paris, and she is a prostitute, though not a typical one-- she has a good soul, and doesn't even act "friendly" to any of the main characters. Anyway, she manages to get away from the motel. The interrogators think she's the only personality left, so they think the killer-personality is dead. So instead of sending the convict to his death, they send him on his way to a hospital. On the way, in a van, a final scenario with Paris plays out in his mind...

Now, listen to this. The convict's mother was a prostitute, just like Paris. He never knew who his father was. She abandoned him when he was nine, and was killed. One of the original ten personalities was a little boy named Timmy, who is the same age as the convict when he lost his mom.

So inside the convict's mind, we see Paris at her new home in Florida, attending to her orange trees. She's digging in the dirt with a hand-rake (or whatever those things are) when she uncovers a motel key with the number 1 on it. She looks up, and there stands Timmy, holding the hand-rake like a weapon. We then see clips showing young Timmy getting the other personalities killed, an evil smile on his young face.

Back in reality, the convict is having spasms. His psychiatrist opens the window to check on him. Big mistake, as the convict has taken on Timmy's role. Timmy says to Paris: "Whores never get a second chance." And as Timmy kills Paris, the convict kills the van's driver and his psychiatrist.

Very, very spooky stuff. IMO, the best horror plays on sanity and pushes it to the limit. This movie has done very well with that. I loved it. It was really good, though not great. I feel it was lacking something, though I can't put my finger on what...

"As I was going up the stair,
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
I wish, I wish he'd go away."

Well, I have only five days left until I start my first day of college. I have two classes a day on Monday, Tuesday, and Friday, three classes on Thursday, and no class on Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.

Yesterday, Mom and I went to Hunter to go over my routes to, from, and through school. We also paid a visit to what I think has got to be the greatest sweet shop in the world: Dylan's Candy Bar. There's candy motifs everywhere you look, plus candy-themed music playing throughout the store, and even TVs showing candy-themed videos. They've got practically every popular candy you can imagine, in every flavor. To top it off, they even serve ice cream! I talked to John about the possibility of him visiting the place. Celebrities have actually gone there and signed packages of candy to be put on display. Even Monica Lewinsky has candy there... surprisingly, her candy didn't consist of chocolate cigars. >;)

I got Garbage Pail Kids bubblegum from that store. Yes, they've re-released those cards and stickers! I added them to my collection of stickers Topps released in Mad Magazine. There was an ad in the card pack for this new card game being released in 19 days from now called Creepy Freaks. I checked out the website, www.creepyfreaks.com. While the monsters are interesting, the 3-minute video they had turned me off. It was an animation of these established characters doing an actual battle. It's like a rip-off of Pokemon severely diluted with gross jokes. *shudders* The story about the characters and how they became in involved with the monsters is completely unoriginal. The characters feel like their personalities came from the Official Book of Cliches. Kids might like this (emphasis on "might"), but parents definitely wouldn't. In other words: DON'T BUY CREEPY FREAKS.

Oh, one more thing: the new boat is huge. 31 feet long. And it wasn't a duck decoy, it was a small painted clay duck that looks like a drake mallard. I like it a lot anyway.