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Category: Tinder

There’s something I don’t get. We’ve just been through this huge #Metoo campaign and unless you live on Mars, you have to know about it. And I want to believe that men are starting to take note. They’re finding their way and rethinking what is … Continue reading Maybe they’ll never get it

And Tinder is all about looking for sex. Raunchy, quick, no pretending, don’t ask names, let’s meet immediately and get it off, sex.

So while I thought I would go on glorious dates and be wined and dined and showered with gifts, really, I had men who just wanted to fuck me.

Men who wanted to send me photographs of their purple warrior. Their meat thermometer. Their lady boner.

Photographs of dicks, up close and personal, did not turn me on.

Especially when they belonged to strangers.

Even when I changed my profile pic and made myself look demure and old fashioned and just, well, unsexy, they kept on coming.

Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.

So I deleted Tinder.

I was not going to find love on Tinder.

Or was I? Am I?

Right now I’m on a plane heading to Cape Town. The man sitting next to me is on his phone. He’s on Tinder, of course, and swiping furiously.

I’m looking over his shoulder.

Ever send dick pics, I ask?

Only to my girlfriend, he replies.

And winks.

He’s not the man for me. He sends dick pics and he’s hogging the damn armrest. Also, he keeps adjusting his schlong. But he is rather gorgeous and has told me there are lots of fully clothed, older, handsome, single men in Cape Town.

So I’m reloading Tinder. I’m only going to be in the city for a few days and I’m going to swipe right on every single interesting intelligent well hung man I come across.

‘What’s the worst thing that could possibly happen?’ I asked my girlfriends as I downloaded Tinder on my phone.

They all rolled around laughing so much that I got pissed off.

‘You will start to hate men, Violet. Do not, we repeat, do not do it.’

I ignored them as usual and downloaded the app.

Andy, Robert, Jon, Kevin and someone called Bulldog all looked fantastic. Rich had amazing muscles and Rambo had class drinking skill. Sipho in his cutaway shirt was hot, and Jesus with his tattoos drop dead gorgeous.

Nice, but I carried on swiping, looking for a teeny bit of substance. I found it.

Clyde liked eating pussy.

Wayne could cook but his speciality dish was not food.

And Mpho’s hobby was anal.

Suddenly BB’s pic popped up on my screen and I got all excited and swiped right.

‘Jesus Christ Violet.’ His response was immediate. ‘I’ve been trying to get you to like me for years. ‘

‘Sorry babe,’ I typed. ‘Just trying to figure out how this thing works.’

He deleted me. BB deleted me!

No problem, Tinder allows you to move on swiftly. I found Steve. He had an interesting profile even though his pic was him kissing a fish. I thought I would risk a hello.

What I didn’t know was that I sent the ‘hello’ 47 times and super-liked him even though I don’t even know what that means.

He reported me for stalking.

As if I would stalk a guy kissing a fish.

I swiped right (or is it left?) on a good friend’s boyfriend and only afterwards did I realise it was him and OH MY GOD WHAT WAS HE DOING THERE ANYWAY. I’m gonna have to talk to her.

And then it just got worse. I was matched with Yossi, Raffi and Eitan, three Israelis but each of them was looking for a single, slim polite white woman and I realised Yossi, Raffi and Eitan were, in fact, all the same 103-year-old fat and sweaty disgusting wanker.