Twisted

How could you be so twisted? I gave you absolutely everything. I opened my heart to you and gave you a perfect love which is beyond compare. I let you in to my world and shared everything with you. Nothing was kept from you. I knew that you were the one, the one person who amidst all the treachery and deceit in this cruel, harsh world who would take care of me. I recognised that you would shield me and protect me from the perfidious foes that lurked seeking to destroy me. I gave you everything that I had. I poured my love into our relationship, investing in it because I knew that this time it was my soul mate who stood before me. You made me so happy because you knew what I needed. You gave me what I wanted and also what I needed and you lifted me heavenwards with that beautiful brand of love that only you can possess. Our relationship was built on the firmest of foundations and promised a glittering and marvellous future. We had so much in common. You liked what I liked and I liked what you liked. So many times I would remark to my friends that it was such serendipity that we had found one another. There is so much hurt in the world, so much darkness beyond the front door and we found one another, two shining lights that when combined we burned brightly and brilliantly.

Nobody made me feel the way you did. At times, eloquent and articulate as I am, I struggled to find the words to convey what you did for me. Your selflessness and devotion were breath-taking and naturally I reciprocated. I put you first. From the moment I rose until the moment I let slumber take me, I had you and only you in my thoughts. As our mighty empire grew around us, I planned for us both. I looked forward and constructed a happy, fulfilling and most of all loving future for us both. We had no need to look back at the past. We had both been hurt by those who acted to their own agendas. I suppose that is why we found such a need in one another and one that we could both address. It was as if we had been cut from the same cloth. Two pieces of a fabulous and stunning garment that just needed to be stitched together and once combined cloaked us in magnificence. Our brilliance was never ostentatious. Most definitely other people would look upon us and comment as to our satisfaction, but not smugness. People would remark about how happy we looked and they were genuinely delighted for us, there was no envy in their words or expressions. We had it all. We had found one another and I believed in you, I believed in us. I gave every ounce of my being to you in order to ensure that what we had did not crumble to dust. I strained every sinew, fired every synapse and poured my very essence into us. I could not have given more of myself to you. From the material to the ethereal I ensured it was all directed onto you in order to ensure you knew how deep and perfect my love for you was and is. I melded with you, combined, conjoined and became one because I knew. I knew with a certainty that I had never met before that this time, this time I had found my angel, my muse, my protector and my soul mate. Such was the treasured nature of this find that I knew I had to do everything in my power to maintain that you and I remained as one. There was no hope for anything else. I could never do anything to hurt or harm you and thus spoil this most precious union. Every waking moment was dedicated to preserving our special relationship. Each word, each act and each thought revolved around the concept of us and I wanted more than any desire that I have ever known to keep us together.

Yet you destroyed that. How could you? How could you render into the dirt and ashes what we had? How could you betray me so viciously? How could you twist what we had built together so that it was no longer recognisable? A warped and corrupted image of what had been so magnificent, so perfect and what I thought was so impregnable. You perverted our creation, the poison which flowed so readily and alarmed me with the speed by which you were able to summon it. The toxicity which clouded my vision, stinging my eyes, filling my nose and mouth as I choked on the malevolent fumes. Where did this come from? I had never seen this about you. In all the time we spent together, and we spent a lot of time together, not once did I see anything that would indicate that beneath your beauty and your tenderness lay this vast repository of hatred and malice. How could you be so twisted as to unleash all of this against me after everything that I had done for you, after everything I had done for us? It makes no sense. There is no logic in what you did, no rationale for taking what we had and then rending it apart, pouring acid upon it so it melted into awful shapes, searing it with flame so that it bubbled, cracked and split becoming something terrible and fearsome. So many times I have asked myself why did you do this? We had the world beneath us and then for some incomprehensible reason you wrapped your hands around it and began to dismantle and destroy it. No sane individual would do this would they? Only someone sick would act this way. Someone who has something very wrong with them would let me down in this way, after giving and promising so much, to then cast it all asunder. A twisted and hateful game is what you made the concept of us become and your warped actions have exacted a severe cost to my well-being. You have tried to break and destroy me. Why did you do this after all that I have given you, after everything I have done, after all the love, affection and dedication that I have shown to you? Only someone twisted could behave this way.

Do I speak these words or am I hearing them? Perhaps I speak them as they are spoken to me as I look into the mirror? Are these my words, your words or do they belong to both of us?

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55 thoughts on “Twisted”

These are not my twisted words……..they do not belong to me………..but within these words, I see a glimmer of my own synopsis and views depicting my relationship with one of your kind….. however my views have now been verbally twisted by a warped, corrupt charlatan……..in my opinion, these are definitely twisted words from a twisted mind……..Diva

Narc Affair, I agree. My narc lovingly filled in my gaps and cracks with sugaring paste, then he rained down on the whole affair until it dissolved away, leaving me in pieces. I will heal the pieces properly, myself. Had I been intact in the first place, I would have repelled him. In my mind is the image of an aware and thankful empath. This is the point from which I now take my bearings.

Merripen
Love your analogy of our cracks being filled with sugared paste and then the cold narc rain washing it all out again. It’s is sweet, beautiful and glittering, but it is doomed in the storms of devaluation.

Thank you, Windstorm2. These analogies that we conjure up seem to at least lend shades of color to what we suffer, bringing a richer experience for ourselves and everyone else who read them. I use analogies to deflect my pain into descriptive rivulets., which I revisit at my leisure. It damages me less to absorb it that way.
Isn’t it just like everything else in the bizzaro-world of narcissistic entanglement, that which is given is taken back (plus tax) and that which is done has a biter/dark intent behind the sweet/light. A toxic yin yang.

Hi K …not all empaths just the codependant ones. I know many dont believe themselves to be one but i believe most that are targeted are codependant in some way or vulnerable. Theres cracks in their wholeness and the narc comes in to glue those cracks up. There are many empaths a narcissist wouldnt bother with bc theyd see right thru them and wouldnt give a narc the time of day. A challenge is only good if theres a chance of winning.

Hello narc affair
Now you have me thinking…I just went on Amazon and checked out Chained: The Narcissist’s Co-Dependent. Jinkies, I don’t want to be a co-dependent; I googled CoD and it ain’t pretty! Narcissists are fuel junkies but I think you are right, if there is no chance of winning they will look for a more emotive fuel source elsewhere. Ok, back to Amazon I must go!

Hi K…i dont look at codependant as a dirty word. Many think the term as victim shaming but it isnt. Its a state of being. Id never tell someone theyre codependant but it is my belief most ensnared are codependant in some area of their lives. Theres a reason they stayed thru devaluing bc anyone with a healthy self love and boundaries wouldnt stay. They are getting something from the narc and are codependant on that. Empathy alone imo doesnt make one stay with a narcissist.

Staying in a situation because you gain a benefit is not necessarily codependent. If so, then all people would be codependent. And it is possible to be in relationships with narcs where you do not suffer abuse. It depends on the nature of the relationship.

narc affair
That makes complete sense. I wanted a family so I put up with the abuse. How stupid was that! There may be a CoD that I know and she is a wishy-washy-waffle and, sometimes, I just want to slap her across the face, like Cher did in Moonstruck, when she slapped Nicolas cage and said, “Snap out of it.” She gets angry with me because I am against child abuse and she excuses it. She should get a job with the archdiocese. The catholic church loves people who help cover up child rape. I ordered Chained from Amazon, so that should help clear up any CoD issues.

WS2
A healthy balance between interdependency, independence, and dependence is optimal and I think it is part of the human condition, unless you are a recluse. Now that school has begun, I am down to two narcissists (I am their toaster/friend) and because I am a NISS there is no abuse. However, I am limiting my contact because I don’t have the energy for them anymore.

K
I understand you limiting contact with your friends. Narcs require a lot of energy and I have to be in a good mental state to interact with mine, especially in person. One of my narc friends lives in NY so we just text or talk on the phone. Phone calls with her don’t require much but repeated agreement since she pretty much does all the talking! 😄

You are welcome, HG. Your books articulate the underlying issues surrounding NPD in a way that other authors can’t capture. Not only are they interesting to read, they are very clearly written and, as an added bonus, you do not need an expert/dictionary to translate the text.

Hello WS2
My daughter’s 6-year-old friend has a grandmother who is a narcissist (all the family members that I have met are narcissists). Since school started, we no longer have Friday playdates and I only see the grandmother monthly now; she runs the book group I am in. I think the 6-year-old is a narcissist too. All I do now is observe. And I avoid the other narc by volunteering for Bingo on Thursday nights, so no more knitting with her.

K
I feel for you. I never stayed in those groups with narcs. Especially women narcs. Women narcs usually are really uncomfortable around me. I think it makes them nervous that I see they them. I don’t react like they expect me to. Maybe I’m sexist when it comes to narcs, but it seems men narcs have more self assurance (sometimes comically so and totally unwarranted!). Women narcs seem to have a chip on their shoulders. If you don’t buy their bs, they can get really hateful.

Teach your daughter about narcs and how to identify them, just like you would with bullies and jerks. We all have to live and work with all of them, but once we’ve learned how to spot and deal with them, it’s just another part of life. I was talking to my daughter just this week about how she needs to teach her daughter about narcs. My little granddaughter is the sweetest natured, caring little empath I’ve ever seen. I hate to think of how she could be taken advantage of if she’s not taught properly.

WS2
Male narcs are less catty and more comical from my experience. Females seem to show/express their jealousy quite openly. My MMRN’s niece and her (grand)mother would one-up each other with cakes, cookies or stuffing. The females definitely have chips on their shoulders and they can get very hostile. Two lesser female narcs have punched me, so I just punched them back. Bitches!

My daughter is learning already. She calls narcs “psychopaths”. She knows who all the narcs are (her dad, aunt, etc.), she knows the monologue, thanks to the playdates, and she knows ALL about fuel. Last week, after school, she asked, “Mom, do psychopaths interrupt you all the time?” All I could think about was 5 Conversational Derailments, and I said, “You are so smart, because that is one of the signs of a narcissist.” Three of her classmates are on my watch list. 2 girls + 1 boy. Please, make sure your granddaughter learns how to protect herself, too. I don’t want any more hearts broken.

the emptiness is self-denial (self-oppression), a compulsively murderous person is self-murdering. addictions come from childhood trauma. the sociopath can never self-heal because they’re addicted to power.

Hello Jenna, and thank you! I am actually quite a private person, so sharing on this kind of forum is something very foreign (intimidating) to me. However, after reading everyone’s entries for only a week or so, I received such clarification (mostly from HG’s writings), as well as a rush of emotional shoring-up (from the words of you in his community), that it seemed the only logical thing to move my recovery forward. I am less afraid of that journey, now. Again, thank you.

You’re welcome merripen. We’re glad to have u here. It took me abt a year of reading and learning and consults to understand who i was entangled with. Now, i feel i am pretty much over him. But i continue to interact here because i enjoy interacting w and teasing hg. I also feel attached to many friendships i have formed here.
I am glad u no longer feel as intimated to share. Most of us are very supportive i guarantee u that.

Jenna, I am glad you are out there (in here) and I already feel the support that you expressed. I am glad that you have mostly recovered from your narc. I am on a similar mission, to figure out who I was entangled with. I thought I had him pigeonholed, but after reading more of HG’s books, it is beginning to look like I am wrong. I think a consult will help me, too. Good advice.

Here is the first poem, he ever sent to me. Unfamiliar with Pablo Neruda, I fell apart with passion but when I read it and now, though its still a beauty, the meaning has changed; it reeks with his envelopment and sums up everything :

I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.

I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,

and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.

Hi K. So telling, right?!!! But at the time , I was sucked in by it. I just can’t believe how illuminating this site is. My head is still tied up in him but I could never feel emotion for him ever again now that I really understand. I learned here how they use music and poetry to express the feelings that they think are appropriate to render us helpless. So true for my x Narc. Even now hoovering with music that goes to my trash bin but now I am sure that he’s probably BCC’ing others and it’s a matter of who responds first! Won’t be me as tempting as it still is.

Lisa
Don’t feel too bad, I was sucked in by my MMRN. I had no idea I was being hoovered! This site is illuminating and my head is still wrapped up in the whole ordeal too. Just like you, I will never feel the same about him ever again, and they do use all kinds of tricks to lure you back in. No matter how tempting it is, resist! That’s my motto. We have to keep our fuel to ourselves from now on. The hell with them!

Thanks, K. You’re 100% right about the fuel and when I think of all the hours and years I wasted on him I get sick to my stomach. All the time I could have spent with my little boy when instead I was going in circles on a phone call , crying to a maniac, fighting and never resolving anything . He’s in my head constantly. I don’t feel love anymore and I fully understand who he is but the curiosity and wonder still gets to me. I have toyed with the idea of contacting the last girlfriend whom he said he had before me, 6 years ago. I recall him brushing over it when we met. How it ended amicably. Yet she lingered. Over liking his FB posts. I got jealous and demanded he “unfriend” her. I am now convinced that she must have been going through her devaluation while he was seducing me and I want to ask her about him. I want proof and further clarity. When I see her on social media , she seems so sweet and I empathically recognize her self- help posts as a reflection of someone that’s been through what I have and has been healing. Thoughts?

Lisa
Oh, the wasted time spent on them! Please, don’t beat yourself up too much. Spend as much time as you can with your son now. And you are correct, the fights never get resolved. They get fuel and we go crazy. The curiosity and wonder amazes me too. Don’t feel too bad about him being in your head because it will take time, lots of time, before he fades away. I think you are right; she was most likely being devalued while he was seducing you. And the ex lingering over FB is a red flag. It may be risky to contact her, but if you feel strongly about proof and clarity then you can try it. Just be cautious and have low expectations. I spoke to my MMRN’s IPPS after our break-up and it wasn’t all pretty, so be prepared. However, I am glad I did it.

PS
Ignore this part; I am just making connections to help me learn.

“WHY ARE THE ARGUMENTS NEVER RESOLVED”

THE RULES OF EX CLUB – NO. 12 There is no concept of an ex in the narcissist’s world; they always remain attached to us.

Thansk s, K. She has an Instagram account and I was thinking of reaching out in a private message to her. I doubt she’s in touch with him anymore, which would prevent me from trying if she was, and from what I see, over the past 6 years since their break up, she’s improved her health and her appearance. She looks radiant and happy but lots of posts about self help stuff and I can tell she’s been through something heavy. I wonder what HG would advise ? 🙂

Lisa
You are welcome. It is good to read that she looks like she is doing well. Think about what you want to achieve by reaching out to her, and if you feel that it may help you get the answers or clarity you need, then do it. Just be cautious and be prepared to hear feedback that you may not like. She may ignore you, too. I do not regret talking to my ex’s IPPS at all, but that is my experience. Be prudent and whatever you write/text may not be kept private, so keep that in mind. If I had to guess what HG would advise, it might be along the lines of: Put your energy into moving forward; do not lament the past.

Oh, Lisa, thank you for sharing this!! It is an unveiled menu. Like K, I think Pablo Neruda’s sublimation in this poem is very telling.

Mexican poet, Octavio Paz wrote a short story called “My Life With The Wave”. It is a beautiful, dark, surrealist journey into similar places and is also rich with visual imagery and personification. You will enjoy it with this new sight that we are developing.

K, your delicious visual imagery of the Dark Carnival is spot on. I’ve described the damage I experienced as a phantasmagoria of abuse, a time-lapse permeative poisoning. It became very much like a bad trip, and just as you expressed, the specters follow me, still. Your encouragement is a brilliant beam of light, which makes them scatter. Is it selfish to say that your parallel/twin-suffering somehow helps me heal my own? Because it does, so thank you for being in the Dark Carnival with me. Perhaps part of the illusion was also that we were alone in our suffering, because it really seems like there are a lot of us here.
Maybe it was half-price tickets at the gate?

Thank you, Merripen!
To make the horror more palatable, we can cloak it with a bit of magical mumbo jumbo in hopes of easing its assimilation. Phantasmagoria of abuse and a time-lapse permeative poisoning are excellent collective nouns! And a fantastic way of describing your NPD experience. A bad trip it is, indeed. The light is here and it will chase away the shadows as we walk through the Dark Carnival together. There is no selfishness in your words, only hope. You are not alone; many here have suffered, and are still suffering. We are all on parallel journeys and I will be right by your side, as we heal together.
Next time I will pay full price at the gate; no more freak shows for me.

K, I appreciate your company, as well as your hope and rich words of demystification, as we move forward. Thank you. And you are right, I have wrapped bits of this unpalatable mess in cotton candy, to help in its digestion. So no more freak shows for me, either.

Oh my god. This has just left me in tears – first of joy and then of loss. It was a compressed experience of the roller-coaster ride (maybe Tower of Doom?) in just the few minutes it took to read. Wow, HG, those are some powerful words, more so, because of your ability to flip the logic of what we thought we knew about the experience and see its skewed perspective from the dark side of that mirror. Every entry I read is helping me learn.
…now i have to blow my nose

K, you are so right. He uses words like a paintbrush and a scalpel. And wow, did it my logic need flipping to help me move forward! I never realized (when I was in it) the duality of everything I was experiencing. The words and actions were all mirrored in some perverse way, or other. What a hall of mirrors, what an echoing chasm we were in, all alone the whole time, with just ourselves and our misconceptions. It is some comfort (albeit cold) to know that we were always alone, even in the heart of the illusion, so we should be able to comfort ourselves now, cuddled here in the heart of truth.

Merripen, his words are brilliant and they illuminate the spectral world of the narcissist. You are correct, when you are in it, you can’t see it because the fog is so thick. The duality is fascinating; it is similar to a twisted mirror image and our perceptions are completely skewed and we were all alone the whole time. It is like a Bad Trip in the Dark Carnival; all smoke and mirrors, freaks included. We are left with night terrors and memories of ghosts. The logic here is excellent; you are in the right place and you will be able to navigate your way through the maze soon enough.

The words belong to both of us, but the narcissist is saying them because of disappointment in unrealistic expectations which were never verbally promised.
The other is let down by unrealistic expectations which were verbally promised…but on top of the ‘let down’ is the attempted destruction of the other.