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I am happy to announce that my blog is now self-hosted! It was a random step really and a big one. A few days ago, I decided I wanted to buy a domain and put my blog on a website. I want this website to have everything about me from my writing, my blogging, my graphic design and even my crafting. I wanted to mash everything that is me into one place. I guess it’s like a mark of a new beginning. A step towards a certain direction that could be wrong or could be right, who knows?

There’s nothing worse than overestimating your value to someone and fooling yourself into thinking you’re special. We argued again about the same things we always argue about. I accuse him of not teaching me better and he accuses me of not taking advantage of given opportunities but never once does he ask how or why or what. He never asks why I feel the way I do or if there is a better way he could help me understand. It is always about him being right and me being wrong. It’s been a few days now and we’re still ignoring each other; at least I’d like to think that he cares enough about me to ignore me. I know I’m ignoring him completely.. er.. somewhat. Maybe he doesn’t care at all and I’m just lying to myself.

Does he think about me; about how we’re not speaking? I know I do..

He always tells me how I’m his queen and how talented I am and how much I have potential but when push comes to shove he just wants me to be like him, exactly like him. Often times it feels like I’m trying to fit myself in a skin suit that doesn’t belong to me. If I’m being honest with myself, I’d say I hate that he’s ignoring me and I him. I hate that messaging him would mean that I’ve lost some sort of unspoken battle between us and messaging him first would mean that I am weak and lack dignity or self-esteem. I hate that he’s involved with everyone else but me.

I wish I could make him understand how he makes me feel. How his methods sometimes make me feel stupid and incapable. I wish he’d stop trying to change me into something that I’m not and just accept me for who I am. I am emotional and sometimes irrational. I speak with my heart instead of my head and only later do I realize that I’ve made mistakes in my choice of words. I don’t strive to be his equal but I don’t want to be treated as someone who’s less. I can admit to my faults when confronted with them properly instead of having my head bashed in with how bad I am at something and how I lack the skills to do something. I hate that he’s so arrogant that he can’t see the mistakes he’s making. In trying to better me in ways that I don’t understand, he’s at the risk of losing me and my interest but how arrogant I must be to even think that he cares about losing me. Does he care or am I just another pawn to be cast aside in his game of Kings and Queens?

All I know is that I am foolish.

At least that is how I feel but would he chase me after an argument like he would anyone else? I feel expendable and if I were to walk away would he lift a finger to stop me? Why do I care if he did or didn’t? Maybe because I fooled myself into thinking I was special and started to believe all the things he’s been feeding me.

Recently, I’ve felt as though my life has come to stagnant halt. My days have become boring and nothing more than monotonous, repetitive routine of doing nothing but sitting in bed all day and wasting time on the internet. After graduating college, I thought my life was going to be exciting. I had my degree in one hand and great plans in the other and I was quick to look for jobs, eager to start my career in Graphic Design. A few years down the line, mainly two, and here I am, a 24-year-old girl stuck at home with nothing to do but dream of plans and projects and a bright future absent the confidence and motivation to take charge and make things happen for herself.

When did I become this person? How did I become this person? All my life I’ve been dependent on someone to do things for me and it turned me into this lazy, self-conscious person with no real social skills to speak of. Maybe I’m being too harsh on myself but sometimes discovering the truth is usually harsh and difficult to accept. After a year of working with someone who I felt was constantly pushing me down, I realized how much of a push over I really was. I allowed a person to walk all over me, to silence my voice and impede my growth and progress but then I stood up and decided that enough was enough.

You know how they say about each ending marking a new beginning? The next few months after I left my magazine, what felt like the only major thing I’ll ever be a part of or create, life slowed down to a near stop. My days grew boring and time was wasting. I felt myself withering away into nothing until an opportunity presented itself. My younger brother was planning to go to Japan to study but instead he switched to the USA and I realized that I can go with him. I can go to graduate school. So, I started researching the matter, my other brother was already there attending VCU and my sister was going to UVA so why shouldn’t I get the chance to go to? My heart raced with the growing excitement and increased nervousness. The prospect of going to another country, to a different culture, to a place that is usually afraid of people like me, is frightening. All the stories I’ve heard, the stuff in the news, one could only imagine what’s going on in my mind!

At the same time I’m excited about the adventures and the new experiences and about the many people I’m going to meet and the many friends I hope to make! I want to relearn my craft, to delve into its depths and learn all its secrets! I want to rekindle the lost passion and love that I had for Design! I want to break out of my shell and learn new things. I want to use my new-found knowledge and confidence to make my projects come to life. I’m excited about this and nervous. I don’t want to have monotonous days with reoccurring routines of me staying in bed all day and dilly dallying on the internet.

I want to do something with my life, I want to be someone and take charge! so this is the start of my journey. A new milestone.

Time for some random updates. Since I don’t really have anything specific to blog about this week, I figured I’d share a few recent happenings, so here we go:

#YesAllWomen

Last week I made a post [Which you can find here] on the subject detailing in it my thoughts on the social movement that was in response to the horrible crime that happened due to some boy who had his ideals and priorities mixed up. I was honestly expecting some kind of interaction but mostly I was expecting an uproar and people telling me how I was wrong and how I’m horrible for having these opinions but instead there was nothing. It’s safe to assume that the post was simply ignored which doesn’t really bother me all that much. I guess it’s mostly a relief.

My Weekend

On Thursday morning, we started packing for our family resort trip which happens a few times in the year. We were kind of excited, more so than usual, mostly because this time I had board games and cards. We arrived at the apartment which was much more spacious than the usual sweet my dad books on these trips. The rooms were bigger, the apartment itself was nice to sit in and there was a perfect place to set up board games for an all nighter. The weather wasn’t half bad. It was warm outside but there was that occasional cool breeze that felt like a heavenly release from stifling heat.

My cousins, siblings and I walked around and mostly headed towards the marina where there were many shops and cafes there to hang out in. We always had a usual spot to sit at and just hang out. Back at the apartment, we mostly spent the night playing board games and playing cards and all in all, it was quite the weekend. The drive back is usually the fun part. Loud, silly music is played in the car and we sing at the top of our lungs, enjoying ourselves and the company of family. It was a good weekend.

IKEA Corner Desk – DIY Repaint!

So I’ve been working on moving into another room which will gain me bigger space, privacy and a proper desk to actually start crafting! I already bought the bed, I got a shelf unit, a set of drawers and a desk but then I wanted to get a corner desk. It took a few trips to IKEA to actually find it but every time it was either not available or not available in the color I want it in so I decided to do something crazy! I got the corner desk in black and decided that I was going to paint it white. Sounds easy, right? Wrong. There was definitely a lot of sanding involved, a lot of back aches, arm cramps and bruises plastering my legs from bumping into everything. Not to mention the mess of black dust and primer that stained my legs and arms. It was difficult but it was fun and while I was done with the hard part today, the hard part being the biggest parts of the desk, there was still the other half.

Luckily, the other half consisted of smaller pieces of shelves and wood so the sanding won’t take as long as the first time and I am rather glad that the paint and primer that I picked out dry very easily.

More Crafting Stuff!

Last week I ordered some more paper and stickers from Simple Stories and today was the day I got my stuff and I’m so excited! Not only that but I also got my SMASH* Date Stamper and my first ever kit from Studio Calico! The only thing I’m missing is a few stamps and some inks so I went to Ebay and bought the small sets of Distress inks and a few stamps from Tim Holtz Ideology. My collection is slowly growing!

Okay.. So.. I am writing this while my heart is racing a thousand miles because I’m pretty sure that you won’t like what I have to say and let me be clear that my opinions and views are my own and you have every right to disagree and even discuss and maybe you’ll convince me but please, I urge you, please do your best to keep it civil and refrain from hate and flame. I am going to try to go about this as sensitively as possible, so here we go:

So, #YesAllWomen.. A social movement, a call for action, that was created and sounded against the horrible actions of Elliot Rodgers and his manifesto that spoke of what he thought of women and what he thought it took to be someone in life. Normally, I don’t concern myself with Feminism and Feminists as most of the ones I’ve met are radicals of the movement. From what I read from his manifesto, he was a misguided boy with misguided ideals. He was shy, self-conscious and a defeatist who often quits something after convincing himself that it was pointless to pursue given that there was someone else better. His hate and envy grew with him and his priorities became more blurred and confused. He lacked a true identity and any true goal in life other than ‘getting with girls and making it with the cool kids’ but this post is not about him really but more so my thoughts on t his social phenomenon that is #YesAllWomen.

I understand that women have the right to feel safe, that women shouldn’t have to suffer comments or catcalls or any other mistreatment for men, I understand and my aim here is not to belittle that. A lot of the tweets that I’ve read were sad and frightening and given my upcoming trip to the USA, it’s making me quite nervous and scared but what I also see is a condemnation of an entire gender. A lot of these women have had horrible experiences, as have I, but I would never use that as ammo to condemn an entire gender. Monsters will be monsters. Most of you would probably say that this is similar to #NotAllMen but it’s not. I am not defending men or trying to ‘derail’ the conversation but instead thought I’d introduce a new perspective. The problem with today’s western society or society in general is the adaptation of the mentality of “Freedom to ________”.

Women, you’re strong, you’re beautiful but you ask for too much sometimes. You ask for the freedom to do whatever you want, that includes dressing, acting and saying whatever you want but you refuse the idea of criticism. You refuse to acknowledge that sometimes the image you portray has a great effect on how people view you and I know some of you aren’t like that and probably don’t care but sadly this is the world we live in. In my culture, women are encouraged to be modest, to be gentle in voice and in behavior [in public] and men are strictly taught to be respectful and to always act as shields for their sisters and mothers and I never understood why that would be demeaning, how that could be oppressive in any way. I never understood why modesty was so looked down upon in the western world. Each person is responsible for their own actions.

Society and the way things are plays a huge factor. The culture plays a role. I think it’s more look at the life style, look at how it is, what it encourages, what has been made to be important and valuable. I’ll give you an extreme example; to go around fighting for the right to walk around naked but at the same time not expect negative attention to come from it. You condemn men for admiring what society has deemed appealing and ‘sexy’. Yet you yourself show no restraint in how you dress and behave while expecting the world to accommodate you. “I have the right to dress how I want” no you don’t. It’s a privilege that has been misused for ages and the result of it is a culture that is desensitized and can barely show respect for one another.

And what is this incessant need, this obsession to do everything a man does? Why do women have to do everything a man does? Don’t they understand that there are some things a man has to do that a woman shouldn’t bother with and vice versa? There’s nothing offensive about recognizing the differences between you and a man. There’s nothing offensive or demeaning or belittling about acknowledging that while men have a purpose and a role to play in this world so do women. Women these days focus on career and success and being better than men at everything but forget that they have generations to raise and children to educate. Instead the kids are left to learn about the world by other means and end up developing skewed perception and people like Elliot Rodger

I think it’s time for everyone to take responsibility for their actions. Men should stop blaming women and women should stop blaming men. Each individual is responsible for only themselves. Women, it may be hard to hear but you are as much as part of the problem as men are.

Today was one of those days that was just another day. Just another uneventful day with nothing really exciting happened. I mostly sat in bed all day because these days my bed operates not only as my bed but also as my desk. I do pretty much everything on my bed due to a lack of actual desk and desk space to use but that soon will be rectified as I am moving into a new room. So I figured I’d tell you about my week instead.

Most would think that’s exciting and I was just as excited earlier this week, especially when I went to IKEA and started buying the basic furniture that I needed. I bought a 160 x 200 cm bed, a shelving unit with drawers and cabinet accessories, a set of drawers to act as a TV stand and a desk which is a part of a corner desk that, at the time, wasn’t available. I was really excited to put things together and redecorate to make the room more personal to me and I had started off piecing together the unit and the drawers with my brothers.

There were certain things that needed to be moved out of the room like old beds, a glass and steel desk that I didn’t want and a giant old TV and such but as the days go by it felt as if things weren’t moving fast enough, they weren’t getting done fast enough which was starting to frustrate me and frustration led to the feeling of today which is ‘Meh’. Nothing particularly special happened today. I had an uneventful day but since I’m sharing my week, let me tell you of another exciting bit of news. I’m applying for an MFA degree in Graphic Design. The opportunity presented itself when my father said ‘no’ to my brother’s wish to go to Japan so instead he’ll be going to the USA and I decided to tag along.

I was going anyway for a vacation but now a chance presents itself to go to school again! I truly can’t wait! Even though thinking about it makes me nervous and anxious. I’ve never been to the US and honestly it frightens me to go but I guess it’s like visiting any other country, we all get nervous at first until we’re comfortable enough to explore.

So a few days ago I turned 24! Yay happy birthday to me! Instead of a story for this week’s post I decided to make a list in celebration of my birthday but it was also inspired by Part Time Monster who made two lists of her own which can be found here & here ! Though my list is going to have a fun little twist to it! At the end of this list I’m going to tag some of my favorite blogges so that they can tell the world 24 random things about themselves and from then on they can tag their favorite bloggers and so on and so forth!

I figured it’d be a nice little group activity so let’s dive into it! Here’s 24 random things about me:

1. I like to idly chew on my earphone wires while I’m concentrating on a task.

2. I hate the taste of meat. If you’ve ever smelled raw meat, that’s how it tastes to me.

3. I can’t sleep without pants on or with super shorts on, It makes me feel watched but I also fear that bugs might crawl in my hoohaa >`<!

4. I am the worst at multi-tasking. If you’re talking to me while I’m typing, reading or doing something else, your voice will not even reach my ears.

5. I’m the worst at math. Trying to do math or talking about math or numbers confuses me to the point of no return.

6. Sometimes when I get confused, or frustrated about something, I feel overwhelmed and so I start to panic which often leads to tears of despair.

7. A friend of mine told me that I wrinkle my nose when I’m typing and concentrating and apparently also nibble my pinky nail! XD

8. Ice used to be a delicious snack for me. During college, I used to stop by Coffee Bean to grab a cup of crushed ice to munch on.

9. I discovered that I tighten my jaw when I’m concentrating on a task like crocheting.

10. I think lame or corny jokes are funny.

11. I have a silent laugh that turned out to be a breathy snicker sort of laugh.

12. I used to talk to myself a lot when I was younger and act out scenes from my favorite movies or shows.

13. In class I needed to doodle in order to properly pay attention to a lecture.

14. I don’t know what thirty feels like.

15. I blush stupidly and embarrassingly easy. .///.

16. I Roleplay but in the form of text and writing.

17. I’ve had two failed engagements which resulted in my fear of marriage or commitment.

18. The color red makes me a little nervous/anxious.

19. I have a ridiculous fear of dentists, bees and heights.

20. I haven’t had a boyfriend since I was 18.

21. I love my cat Reese like nothing else.

22. I love chocolate and fruit combinations.

23. Sometimes my emotions are easily read on my face.

24. I think small talk is sometimes annoying if doesn’t lead to an actual conversation.

That concludes my list! I hope that gave you a little bit of insight into my brain space x3! Onward to the tagging! Be sure to tag me back so I can join your journey and learn more about all these wonderful people!

Happy Tagging!

So.. This weekend was certainly something to celebrate. It was more or less me stepping out of the role of observer into the shoes of participant. Usually I watch the crazy things happen around me while I laugh hysterically at how my sister abuses my cousins on a regular basis but not this time. This time was totally different.

As per every Friday, my cousins, siblings and I headed out to eat. This Friday we chose to have some Asian cuisine. I didn’t really care as long as I had Sushi. That made me a happy camper. In this lovely restaurant, we had taken a room instead of sitting outside. It was a little closed off but you can still hear the people next door and they certainly could hear us. I tell ya, the one thing I hate to have to suffer in a restaurant more than whining and crying babies, it’s loud & obnoxious teenage girls snickering and squealing and going all crazy.

They were so loud, I had half a mind to just yell “Shut up!” but instead I retained my composure for the time being. One of my cousins hadn’t arrived yet so when he called to ask which room we were in, we naturally gave him the wrong number and listened to him entering the wrong room. It was, of course, hilarious but that was not the most eventful thing that happened that night. As people chattered among themselves, exchanged stories and general laughter was all around, unbeknownst to anyone I was readying an attack on my cousin who was a seat away to my left.

This opportunity had come to me in the form of an ice bucket and a scoop. Reaching out, I scooped some ice and looked around, my cousin still distracted, wondering how am I going to perform my dastardly deed. I stood up and began to step around and nonchalantly placed myself behind my cousin and with a swift motion, dumped the cubes inside his shirt. The next thing I knew he was flailing about, he fell off his chair and I stepped away laughing so hard, I was sure I was going to pee right there and then. Of course, the whole table roared with laughter and I returned to my seat, trying to keep my bladder under control. Nobody saw it coming and there was cheers all around.

The usual shenanigans went on as it did every Friday and as such, we all ended up having the time of our lives and no regrets.

Wow what a journey this had been. I started this blog a few weeks ago and figured it’d be a good exercise to maintain a goal. It was also practice for the crafting blog that is soon to come once I have a good set up and space. I was new to the world of blogging so naturally I didn’t know about what was going on until adameverhard happened upon my blog and advised me to join. Thank you so much for stumbling upon my new born of a page and giving me that push to join!

I started out excited, the beginning letters were easy and I felt I had a purpose to my day. I had a task to do instead of sitting around and wasting away browsing on the internet. At first I had words for the letters and each word had it’s own story but as we approached the halfway mark, words became tricky and stories became scarce. I noticed a decline in my writing, it felt fake somehow and it made me worry and fear that I wasn’t being genuine enough. I took to my friends, asking them to read my writings and tell me what they thoughts and some had a few harsh words to say but it did help me get back on track. The stories then became personal and I became less afraid of opening up.

Posting everyday for the past month of April was especially a challenge for me because I always manage to quit halfway and never finish. When I reached the letter ‘Q’, I truly thought of quitting then but my close close friend would not allow it. He kept asking for me an entire hour if I had posted or not until I pushed myself to write even if it was about anything so I wrote about the letter ‘Q’. Towards the end of the letters, it became a challenge to find words that related to me, that resonated on a personal level. I wanted to keep it entertaining, genuine, open for conversation and I was hoping that I managed to do that.

I want to send out a special thanks to those who have taken the time to visit my humble little blog and took even more time to comment, like and even share. I’ve come across many creative writers out there that I hope to learn from and I want to tell them all that they’ve done a wonderful job. For me, participating and being part of such a huge group activity was delightful enough so I couldn’t possibly ask for anything more. Thank you to those who made this challenge possible, thank you to all the moderators that visited my blog and left kind words. It is a bittersweet end and I know, if god willed, I will definitely be participating next year!

zeal

ziːl/

noun

great energy or enthusiasm in pursuit of a cause or an objective.

“his zeal for privatization”

Zeal is something I experienced when I first started this challenge, paired with both nervousness, panic, anxiety but all around excitement. I guess you could say that my journey with this challenge was a bit of a zigzag. It was like watching the stock market chart go up, go really up, then down, down some more, through the roof, crashing down and so on. It started with sheer excitement, looking forward to each post because inspiration was there and stories were a plenty and all was good. I felt I was writing from the heart and I was happy to share my experiences and wait for comments and likes. Then the days rolled by and the letters were getting hard to be creative with and some days I’m late. Most days I say up late to write a post and there was this one time where I had to make a post from my phone because I felt so committed.

Mid challenge and a little towards the end, I was starting to feel a little burnt out. I was questioning the sincerity and genuineness of my posts. The confidence that I had started with had crumbled away into dust, turning into self-consciousness and fear and I was very ready to quit. Luckily, I had friends that kicked my butt into gear and I pushed through with my zeal returning to me once more and I must say I’m quite proud of myself. It’s definitely a bittersweet end. I’ve come across a few people due to this challenge and hopefully long term friendships will be made.