ALL HAIL THE KING!

We love beer. Not just any beer, however. We love Budweiser, the king of beers. We love it so much that when there’s nothing else around, we’d rather just have no beer (or nose beers for that matter). Sometimes you bend and figure you’ll have a PBR or a Miller Lite or a Coors but it just feels wrong. It’s like making out with a girl who has really short hair. It feels OK at first but then you touch her head and it feels like you’re making out with a weird boy.

Craft beer is much worse. That’s like having sex with a tranny. Again, everything seems okay at first glance and if you’re really thirsty, you think you’ll be able to get over it but then you try it and are immediately overcome with regret. Traps are gay.

If you like fancy beer, you don’t like beer. It’s not supposed to be flavorful. We want maximum beer into maximum belly and hoppy flavors slow down the process. In Britain they don’t even like it cold because that prevents chugging. That’s a bit much but we agree with the sentiment. It’s a drug. Do people have strawberry cocaine or appleberry heroin? No. They want to get down to business. That’s what real beer drinkers do.

There is already a king of beers. Why would you ever settle for a prince or a pauper?