Hold on to your Kids

Why Parents Matter

Random House, Inc.A psychologist with a reputation for penetrating to the heart of complex parenting issues joins forces with a physician and bestselling author to tackle one of the most disturbing and misunderstood trends of our time -- peers replacing parents in the lives of our children.

Dr. Neufeld has dubbed this phenomenon peer orientation, which refers to the tendency of children and youth to look to their peers for direction: for a sense of right and wrong, for values, identity and codes of behaviour. But peer orientation undermines family cohesion, poisons the school atmosphere, and fosters an aggressively hostile and sexualized youth culture. It provides a powerful explanation for schoolyard bullying and youth violence; its effects are painfully evident in the context of teenage gangs and criminal activity, in tragedies such as in Littleton, Colorado; Tabor, Alberta and Victoria, B.C. It is an escalating trend that has never been adequately described or contested until Hold On to Your Kids. Once understood, it becomes self-evident -- as do the solutions.

Hold On to Your Kids will restore parenting to its natural intuitive basis and the parent-child relationship to its rightful preeminence. The concepts, principles and practical advice contained in Hold On to Your Kids will empower parents to satisfy their children’s inborn need to find direction by turning towards a source of authority, contact and warmth.

Something has changed. One can sense it, one can feel it, just not find the words for it. Children are not quite the same as we remember being. They seem less likely to take their cues from adults, less inclined to please those in charge, less afraid of getting into trouble. Parenting, too, seems to have changed. Our parents seemed more confident, more certain of themselves and had more impact on us, for better or for worse. For many, parenting does not feel natural. Adults through the ages have complained about children being less respectful of their elders and more difficult to manage than preceding generations, but could it be that this time it is for real? -- from Hold On to Your Kids

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Some part of this book's thesis is, of course, valid, but to the scientifically literate mind, it is very problematic. Neufeld uses very little support (and for the most part none at all) for his claims, some of which are not only extreme but actually run counter to established research. I fear the effect this book has when not consumed critically. It is fear-mongering and emotionally appealing, but it has little to stand on. Neufeld has never published anything in a scientific journal (that I could find), and this should ring alarm bells. If he had been honest about this book being based on his subjective practice and as having little scientific foundation, it would have been more palatable - though still problematic. However, he repeatedly states opinions as facts without any regard for the consequences of such over-confidence. The book also offers very little in the way of practical advice, hiding behind the idea that such a thing is not possible when organically applying attachment principles. Better to read the peer-reviewed research on parenting and attachment than to rely on a book filled with pseudo-science, false claims, and helicopter parenting fallacies.

Most AWESOME book on child-rearing I ever read. it has created a relationship with my child that is better than any of my friends and their kids... These two men are brilliant and beautiful souls. Thank you Gordon Neufeld and GAbor Mate. <3

Incredibly creepy text by two male authorities who compare the relationship to one's children to a romantic relationship and describe peer attachment as akin to sexual infidelity. Authoritarian, reactionary, hostile to the notion of children as people, and -- unsurprisingly -- repeatedly invokes the misogynist work of Robert Bly.

A patron review from the Adult Summer Reading Game: "A very refreshing analysis of how to turn the tide against peers replacing parents in the lives of their children. Some central themes around building relationships and keeping children close, and a new chapter on keeping close in the digital age. A must-read for all parents!"

I say this quite seriously - all new parents need to read this book, a full decade before their newborn will be entering the hallways of increasingly peer-oriented middle school. You will be glad you did and your kid will thank you for it when he or she is twenty.

The information and insights contained in this book are priceless - it will change the way you parent, for good. The structure of the book is not perfect and the opening chapters can seem repetitious but they lay the foundation for the practical guidance towards the end of the book. The approach outlined in the book has transformed our family life by giving us the knowledge to make appropriate decisions on how our child spends his time and more importantly, who he spends it with.

Awesome book, very practical and useful for anyone who is involved in caring for children including parents, extended family, teachers, and child care providers. It is a must read and it is life-changing.