Happy belated 4th and summer in general, folks! I’ve been busy with other things, but vanity, like rust, never sleeps. So, let’s take a look at how things are shaping up out there:

Here’s a thought: What if all of us *are* awesome? It would explain why we look so average to each other, wouldn’t it?

Momma be wasting $$$ on vanity plates instead of spending it on something nice for her family. For shame!

Well technically you were parked, but let’s not quibble. But this plate begs an important question: Yes, you drive, but do you drive well?

Wow, it must have been the incessant buzzing of insects that comes with summer what put me in this frame of mind. Now I can’t get this infernal buzzing out of my head. Well, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em, I say:

We’re a pious lot here in Pennsyltucky, even when we’re committing one of the Seven Deadly Sins. So, look upon these with Agape, yes?

Make a joyful noise and all of that, eh? Well, I feel ya on that one, pal! Why, I even saw Stryper back in the day, so I get where you’re coming from.

It took me a while to figure this one out, but months after I first snapped this pic I realized it meant “Church of God Pastor.” I guess the spirit was not upon me when I took this picture. Does this mean Predestination is a thing, then?

Okay, I’m pretty sure this wasn’t an official vehicle of the Papacy but an ironic statement about the little white Nissan that bears it. That, or the Pope was *really* diligent about his advance team covering the region for last fall’s Philly visit. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen it since then. Hmm…

I know some of you heathens are laughing. That’s ok, though, I could use the company once I get to where I’m headed.

Willkommen! I know that Volkswagen has had a (well-deserved) image problem as of late, but I still can’t help have a soft spot for the “People’s Car.” I grew up in a Volkswagen family, and while their reputation for Teutonic Kraft has always been a bit overrated (the local Volkswagen specialty shop’s owner would practically hug my late father whenever he came in), I still have an irrational, unshakeable fondness for the things. And apparently, I’m not alone in my affection:

I enjoy a nice, relaxing drive in a vehicle, too. But, I wouldn’t go so far as implying that rolling around in a VW is like being back in the Mommy Place.

Short and to the point, sir/madam. Well done. Brevity is the soul of wit and you have made you case brilliantly.

It’s cold out there – really cold. Still, some dream of a summer-y ride about with the top down and nothing between them and being crushed but a roll bar of dubious efficacy. Yup, some dream of tooling around in their jeeps! And of course some dream of doing so in a vain fashion. Let’s take a look:

It’s still more than a month until Valentine’s Day, but love, like vanity, is a 24-7, 365 kinda thing. Besides, I have a feeling we won’t be feeling very loving after Iowa and New Hampshire this year. So, let’s get a jump in things, yes?

At first I thought this plate was referring to someone who enjoyed acting out the part of a poorly made-up lizard man nemesis of James T. Kirk. Then I realized it was a declaration of someone’s love of running. That is much, much better.

Which kind? India stains badly if one is not careful, but it does have a certain…Victorian charm I suppose. Ball-point ink is an underappreciated artistic medium. And tattoos are, well, ubiquitous. But, considering I love the Beatles, I can’t get too self-righteous about folks loving things that are everywhere these days.

The Mountain? Really?!? The Hound, I could see, but the Mountain was a right proper bastard from the get-go. Poor form, sir/madam, poor form.

Happy [Winter Solstice Celebration of Choice Here]. Or however you spell celebrations that are aimed at distracting us from just how truly awful winter and its short, dreary days really is. Making fun of things can help with that, too. So can music. And when we can combine music and mockery, well, ain’t that just solid gold my babies? Let’s take a look:

Yup, there’s only one Elvis. And he’s dead. You do know that, right? Right?!? Actually, don’t answer that. It’s better for all us that way.

Hello! It’s been almost two months since I did one of these here vanity plate posts. First, it was the Pope. Luckily, that went off without a hitch. But no sooner than that had passed than I found myself wrapped up in all things Halloween-y. And that…flew by. Good lord, where does the time go? Well, even as it passes us by, vanity, it would seem, is here to stay. To wit:

Here’s a name that means “God will lend.” Good plan, I hear he doesn’t charge interest (well, the New Testament and Quranic versions at least).

It all started about a year-and-a-half ago. I got a ride from a coworker to a local garage to get my car picked up for some repairs needed for it to pass inspection. It was on the way in that I saw this:

I love “Coming to America” as the next person raised in the 80s, but not as much as this guy. And I’m willing to bet that it was a guy. Honestly, I can’t see any woman putting that on her plate. I could be wrong, but somehow I doubt it.

Shortly afterwards, I started this blog. It was then that it suggested by the good folks at WordPress.com that a recurring feature is a good way to attract followers and build a “brand” for one’s blog. All of this had merit, but, more than that, it meant that I would get to make snide, bitchy remarks about people’s vanity plates. And oh Lord in Heaven has the Harrisburg area been obliging! I’ve posted almost 150 of these pictures – three per post with very few exceptions – and I still keep coming across more. A friend of mine recently pointed out the obvious in that we’re so close to the DMV that is makes it exceptionally easy for people to get these things (Harrisburg is Pennsylvania’s state capital). Still, it’s remarkable in a way how strong everyone’s desire is to stand out. I’m sure some clever soul could produce some riff on this being part of the Society of the Spectacle. All I can really do is chuckle. And, as snotty-nosed as I can get, I realize that I’ve got my little vanities as well. But still, what else am I gonna with my time? I’m too old to go out blowing cash on decadent pursuits every night. I’ve neither the constitution nor the wallet for that. No, instead I’m just sitting in the balcony, pointing and laughing for fun and entertainment.

Hardly a novel approach, I admit.

And really, when you come across gems like these, how can you resist?

Some seem to want to hitch their wagon to a strong identity:

When Branding Goes Very, Very Wrong.

Some plates (unintentionally) cultivate an air of mystery:

Either this person owns a Brown Newfoundland dog or is proud of being born in Newfoundland. Considering the jokes that other Canadians make at the expense of “Newfies”, I’m guessing the former. Still, one never knows.

And still others seem to beg your indulgence:

Ok, fine, I’ll hear you out. But this had better be damned good – I’m on a clock, you know.

Yup, Harrisburg and its surrounding area has vanity. Lots and lots of vanity. So, if you’re looking to score a few points with a quick anthropological or sociological study or just looking to kill time with a cheap, easy, and wholly legal hobby, it’s the place to be! Toodles, all!

Evening all. Today’s assignment is take a single word from a list and write something around it. I chose the word “Home.” It’s meaning has started to change for me.

If you had asked me five years ago where home was I would have said “Pittsburgh” or “western Pennsylvania.” Now, I’m not so sure. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy to go back to Pittsburgh to get together with my college buddies and had a lovely time visiting relatives up in Mercer County. Even better, I got to bond a little with my niece and nephew on Labor Day. It was a lovely time, and I felt the bittersweet tug of remorse that one does when leaving a place where one is loved. And yet…

And yet I found myself eager to get back to settle back into my routine here in Harrisburg. At first I thought this was just going to be another stop in my life; a place with a job that would lead to another place with a better job. That hasn’t turned out to be the case. Instead, I found myself battling some personal demons (a story for another time), buying a house, and building a small but steady circle of friends and acquaintances. I used to scorn this town. Now I kinda miss it and the people here when I’m away. Maybe I’m starting to make my peace with things. Maybe I’m just getting old. Maybe both. No matter how you slice it, though, it’s a funny old world.

The other day I was driving to lunch with my coworker and he surmised that the reason that the Harrisburg Area has so many vanity plates is its proximity to the DMV building. I can’t believe that I never thought of that. Kudos to my coworker, and shame on me for missing the obvious answer. Shame, shame, shame. Alas, many of my fellow people here in the greater Harrisburg area feel no shame, only vanity. Here’s the evidence:

Ha ha, so clever! Except you know, when you’re parked and someone walks by and takes a picture. Then it’s the other way around. Not so clever now, are you? Not so clever now?!

As in stimulant? I’m not so sure this plate isn’t just another invitation to get pulled over by the cops. Call it a hunch.

So when you google the term “kneebar” you get some striking images like this one. This means either this person’s talking a heap of trash or is the real deal. You’re welcome to find out but I believe that discretion is the better part of valor in this case.

Gosh, I’m impressed by my middlebrow reference in the title. I know that’s vain, but vanity’s what it’s all about these days. To wit:

Jacari Noir? Jacari Jacket? Banana Jacari? So much mystery in this one. So much mystery.

I’d think twice before associating Jay-Z’s name with your act. If he gets wind of what of what you’re doing, there’s a good chance he’s gonna corporate gangsta on you. You can laugh at that term now, but you won’t be when you’re staring at a couple of seven-figure lawyers from across the table. Plus, you’ll never be allowed to meet Beyonce’. You done been warned.

Clearly this is someone proclaiming their love for Ashbee’s Wine Bar in London. I commend you on picking what is, by all accounts that I’ve read (I’ve never been), a fine, fine establishment. Kudos!

Now, if only I could get this song out of my head. Heh, I kid. It’s a good one to have stuck:

“Zug” is German for “train.” So you’re telling us you see your Mini as a sort of miniature locomotive? I hope you are a woman, ‘cuz otherwise you are selling yourself short on a very Freudian level. That, or you are just being too cute by half.

I hope this helps take your mind of the heat and humidity, if only briefly. If it doesn’t, then go do what it takes to stay cool. You don’t wanna end up like this guy:

Yeesh, but it’s soupy and goopy out there. But you don’t need me tell you that. You already know. I suspect that you also already know that even in this stultifying heat, vanity moves with a savoir faire that cannot be deterred by the elements. Ah yes, this oh-so-human shortcoming is indeed weather-proof. Perhaps this, and not the magic number that is 42, is the answer? Nnnaaahhh. Still, we need something to take our minds of this beastly heat. And so, vanity!:

Their grit and determination were inspiring, and weirdly enough, so is this region’s almost infinite self-regard. And just as the U.S.A.’s women brought that moxie to the pitch, our locals bring their vanity to their cars. ‘Tis a truly remarkable place that way.

All that comes to mind is Peyton Manning calling an audible for some reason. Do you think this season will be his last?

Oh, hey, I remember ROM! It was a crappy toy but the comic evolved into a decent book. I enjoyed it, but not as much you do, apparently. I’m gonna have to go back to the interwebs and find out what was so special about it. I’d catch up on the issue itself, but licensing, y’know?

Ah, yes, I remember these guys. They were an ‘N SYNC tribute group. I always wondered why I never wondered what happened to them.

Yup. That’s how we do here in the South Central of PA. And this is how we do nationwide:

Hello good people! I’ve been away for these past few days, but not by choice. Nope. Instead, I was forced away by a nasty web-hosting site crash. It wasn’t pretty, but it did teach me a vitally important lesson – BACK UP YOUR SITE. Yup. Lesson learned. (Cure the “The More You Know” logo.) Rather than celebrate by trying harder to learn more about site backup best practices, I thought I’d just take the vapid route instead. And what’s more vapid than another feature on the Harrisburg area’s ongoing vanity plate issue?:

*sigh* OK, dummy, I’m gonna explain this to you very, very simply: Ohio State does not care about nor consider Penn State to be a rival. They don’t care. You are just another team that they play. You aren’t Michigan, and you certainly aren’t any sort of potential SEC or PAC-10 college playoff rival. In short, you are an afterthought at best. You don’t even qualify as comic relief. Verstehen Sie?

…Express? Are you telling us to position ourselves relative to something and/or towards a certain direction? Are you trying to say that you claim an interest in all things East Asian? Or are you claiming some sort of heritage from that part of the world? So many questions come from this plate. Well done.

So, I’ve learned my lesson. It took the short, sharp shock of getting my site jammed up in a crash to do it, but I’ve become a little wiser for it. Plus, it reminds me that one should always pay great heed to the New Pornogrpahers. After all, they did warn us about this sort of thing a few years ago:

Once we did sizzle; now we slog through drizzle. Such are the changing fortunes of the weather. It’s been raining, it’s been pouring, but luckily this old man hasn’t been snoring. Sleep is elusive enough as it is. I don’t need any vanity in my life either, but there it is anyway. Oh well, at least I won’t be losing any sleep or skidding around slick roads because of it. Let us spend some of our indoor time productively. But before that, let us waste time looking at silly license plates:

I too enjoy their delicious donut and donut-related products. I hope you brought enough for everyone.

It’s all about the Benjamins, I see. Thanks for adding the C and clearing up any ambiguity for us. Now we know who to ask for a couple of bucks should the need arise.

The good news is that it’ll take relatively little effort to change this to ‘4NEVRUS’ after your divorce. 🙂

It’ll clear up here soon, and then we’ll be back to sun n’ fun. In the meantime, just think back to these two winters and remember that it ain’t so bad out there. Besides, I kinda like overcast days myself. 😉

June looms. It’s getting warm and the ghost of winter is long gone. People are out and about, stripping away clothes and banishing doubt. We are learning to live again, man. In the moment and all of that jazz, y’know? Alas, though, part of living is occasionally embracing folly. And what can one classify as folly? Yup, vanity. Let’s take a gander.

It’s the hippest library in the world. Lots of people with beards and Warby Parkers reading Rimbaud in the vernacular. You’ve probably never heard of it.

Are Steele what? Don’t leave us hangin’ mid-question, my friend. We are dying to know what’s on your mind. C’mon, help a blogger out, won’t you?

Paws free? Do you think that’s wise? You don’t even have opposable thumbs and you’re rollin’ around in a car. You…OH, GOD, IT’S YOU, ISN’T IT TOONCES?!

Heh. Toonces. That one takes me back a ways. Here’s a little late 80s SNL nostalgia for yinz:

Freedom ain’t free, you pay a mighty fuckin’ fee. About $40, or thereabouts.

This event is bigger and better than ever! Registration includes a beautiful evening 5k race along the Susquehanna River, a free hot dog, race packet full of goodies, beer garden admission to those 21+, post-race festivities, and for the first time ever at a race in Harrisburg, a professionally produced fireworks display to cap off the evening! This is going to be a special event unlike any 5k course in Harrisburg and we hope YOU can join us to honor all of our armed forces and emergency responders! For more information, visit our event page at http://ymcarun.com/info-freedom/

Tra la! It’s May! The lusty month of May! That lovely month when everyone goes Blissfully astray! I can’t adequately express how deliriously beautiful this month has been so far. After a dreary, seemingly never-ending winter, this is so refreshing. But the march of vanity is still with us. And that sense of continuity is what buoyed me through the dark months of winter and what now keeps me aware that the bitter and sweet and connected, man. It’s deep that way. That, or I’m just easily distracted by shiny metal objects during any time of the year. I’m guessing the latter – call it a hunch. But anyway, on to the fun!

Welp, Spring has sprung. I can tell because I came back from a run with those itty-bitty black flies mashed on my face. But that’s OK, because that means no more winter! Hallelujah! But the one season that will always be with us is Silly Season. If you doubt me, then take a gander at these plates:

I doubt I’ll take this person up on their offer, but I’m not going to make fun of him or her, either. The last thing I need is a roundhouse kick to the head.

Somehow an image of agents of a vague yet menacing government doesn’t come to mind when I see this plate. Hell, I don’t even see the restaurant chain in my mind’s eye.

Hey, long time no see, buddy! What’ve you been up to lately? We haven’t heard from since you did that portrait of your mom way back when. We gotta catch up sometime soon, man!

April showers have been light, but the May flowers could still be all right. Pardon the bad rhyme, but it’s all I have at the moment. I’ll do better, I promise. In the meantime, here’s to better, brighter, longer, milder days!