Annabelle and Scarlett Darling are sisters who are very wise and love telling others what to do through a hilarious advice blog.

Annabelle & Scarlett vs. Reality

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About this blog

By Annabelle / Scarlett

Annabelle and Scarlett Darling are sisters who are very wise and love telling others what to do. They are very good at fixing others, themselves, not quite so much. Annabelle - who trained as a life coach - says that's how it's done. Both are in
...

Annabelle and Scarlett Darling are sisters who are very wise and love telling others what to do. They are very good at fixing others, themselves, not quite so much. Annabelle - who trained as a life coach - says that's how it's done. Both are in their 30s, although Scarlett is quick to point out that one of them (not Scarlett) is heading out of her 30s. Fast. Please send your questions to annabelleandscarlett@gmail.com

I was thinking about past lives and why on earth we sign up for the life we have now when we were probably burned at the stake or abducted by aliens or eaten by wild dogs in the last go-round.

Of course you were. Can you explain reality faster so we can get to my keys?

Then I thought about how, despite the fact that we sometimes have nightmares, we’re happy to go to sleep at night. At least I am. I love going to sleep.

I’d sleep better if I could find my keys.

So I figure, the only way we’d sign up for all these lives is if they’re actually just dreams. And we know they’re dreams so we’re all “yay! sleep!” And when we get stuck in a rut, it’s because we’re having a recurring dream. So our whole life is however long it takes the real us to sleep. We’re like eight hours old in Keanu Reeves years.

That’s nice.

So Annabelle, there are no keys.

I know that, Scarlett. If there were keys I wouldn’t be asking you to help me find them!

And if there are no keys, but you need keys, we can manifest them, like in your Quantum Physics for Dummies book. Annabelle, you are sitting on your keys.

Quit it, Scarlett, I’m serious.

So am I.

Wait - how did you… Scarlett! Manifest a cheesecake!

I can’t.

Why ever not? Why something stupid like a set of keys when we could have cheesecake?

Because I didn’t see you sit on a cheesecake when you came in.

Fine. I'm going to the cupboard to look for something cheesecake-like while you look for a question.

Q: My in-laws gave us a painting as a wedding gift. It’s unbelievably ugly and gives me nightmares. They keep asking where we’re going to put it and if they should send someone to install it (did I mention it’s six feet across?). What do I do? - The Scream in Scranton

S: Get a fake apartment, where the painting and a few fake cans of food can live. They can visit you there.

A: You can say it was stolen. I heard about this rash of art thefts in France. Do you live in France?

S: If not, you could move to France just long enough for it to be stolen.

A: You could perhaps just be honest and say how much you appreciate the gift, but it doesn’t exactly match your decor. I’m thinking France might be easier.

S: Did you hear about the museums where paintings mysteriously showed up, on the walls? That might be what happened. In-law troubles would make you do something roughly that desperate.

A: Yes! You could just drop it off late at night at a local museum and “donate” it.

S: Tell your in-laws it’s “on loan.”

A: That sounds very fancy. They’ll be impressed that they gave you a loan-worthy painting. Until of course the museum asks you to take it back because it’s scaring everyone.

S: That’s why some paintings in museums are on loan from an anonymous collection. You can’t tell them who you are or they’ll make you take it back. It’s an art thing.

Q: My co-worker brings her dog to work. We do not have a dog-friendly office, but she convinced our boss that it’s a therapy dog. The rest of us think she’s faking and she just doesn’t want to leave him home alone to eat the couch. How can we make her stop? - Cubicle Carol

A: I’d bring Peanut to work with me if I wasn’t worried he might get thrown out with the coffee grounds.

S: You’d never get the hair net off him.

A: That’s not funny, Scarlett.

S: Try bringing a pot-bellied pig to work and see how that goes over. Say it’s a therapy pig. The only way they can stop you is to get proper paperwork on all therapy animals. Annabelle might have one you can borrow.

A: I don’t, but if when you’re done with the pig it needs a home, give me a call.

S: Of course, it might turn out to really be a therapy dog, at which point you’ll feel like a jerk - and have a pig. Nothing is as comforting as a pot-bellied pig when you’re feeling like a jerk.

Q: If spring never comes do I still have to do spring cleaning? - Ms. Not-So-Clean in Cleveland

A: We were raised to clean only on an as-needed basis. Our mother wasn’t terribly domestic so we weren’t schooled in that ritual.

S: Our neighbors tried to convince her to get a cleaning lady, but she thought that was horrifically sexist and wouldn’t hear of it.

A: Everything was horribly sexist to her.

S: I think people clean in the spring because they can open their doors and windows and shove everything outside. Wait till it’s warm enough to do that.

A: Yes, do that and then just hose it all down.

S: You’re starting to think about where you’re going to keep that pig, aren’t you Annabelle?

A: Maybe.

If you have an extra apartment in France that allows pigs, or a lead on easy-remove, hedgehog-friendly hair nets, or have a question you need an answer to, please email us at annabelleandscarlett@gmail.com - or follow us on Twitter, @fixitsisters