Zayn Fan

In a nutshell, Zayn Malik’s new CD is about sex, sex, being depressed because fame is hard, sex, having sex, having sex with super models, thinking about sex, One Direction, and being depressed because sex. It’s like the fever dream of any 15 year old with a penchant for broodiness, ethnically ambiguous bone structure, and Garage Band.

First of all, almost every single song is written like it was an AIM away message from 2000that is, LiKe tHiS. Second of all, it’s not that the album is bad. In fact, some of you might love the the painstaking obviousness to Zayn’s interpretation of being young, beautiful, rich, and incredibly sexually active. But some of you are not me. So please, before you yell at me for being harsh, do keep in mind: fuck you.

MiNd Of MiNdd:An unnecessary intro that adds zero value. SKIP.

PILLOWTALK:Only relevant because Gigi Hadid was in the music video. SKIP.

iT’s YoU:SO SLOW and sad. Really sad? Kind of beautiful. In a sad, sad, not beautiful at all way. Is it over yet? Oh. No, I’m at 0:09 seconds FUCK. (Alright, not going to lie I had to skip this one because I just took a bunch of Adderall and the slowness of this gave me a panic attack.)

BeFoUrWell, here we are, starting off on the wrong foot again. This synthesized vanilla BS opens with “I don’t drink to get drunk” and I CANNOT RELATE to that at all????????

sHeIt’s about some complicated girl who doesn’t know WTF she wants, but needs like, a lot of attention. He calls her crazy which is kind of offensive (#feminism), but this shit’s definitely 10000% about Gigi, and she’s definitely 1000000000000% eating it up.

dRuNkFinally, a jam I can get behind because it’s about my own true love: drunkenness. Except then the DUMB af lyrics come in. Red eyes, late nights, amnesia, I need you. So this isn’t about alcohol at all. It’s a poorly disguised metaphor for “love.” The Weeknd already did this but it was about cocaine and WAY better.

INTERMISSION: fLoWerI instantly feel stoned. Love that. Sidebar: is this song about ISIS? Just curious, no judgement.

rEaR vIeW:Nothing to do with asses. Bummed.

wRoNg:Only good because Kehlani’s on it. Who is Kehlani? Exactly.

fOoL fOr YoU:That sound you hear in the distance is me, sobbing that this isn’t over yet.

BoRdErSz:*Fashions earphones into a noose*

tRuTh:The tRuTh is that all these songs sound the same, and I think that’s my problem with it? Like Zayn, babe. BABE. Babe. All you did was go from one ripped off, commercialized version of pop music to another ripped off (non)commercialized version of R&B. How is that better? Because you’re living your tRuTh now?

IUcOzAdE:I just can’t get over the fact that this title isn’t a word, so tbh I audibly huffed, crossed my arms in revolt, and didn’t listen.

TiO:At this point I am not only bored, but I am bored and kind of aroused. Which is something I haven’t felt since I discovered John Mayer and it’s really freaking me out.

BLUE:Another sad song. Called “BLUE.”

BRIGHT:Sort of chill. Seems like something I would enjoy listening to after accidentally snorting some molly off of a gypsy’s hand in Copenhagen, you know?

LIKE I WOULD:This is supposed to be one of the shining stars in the album but I threw up in my mouth while listening to iteither because I’ve been taking shots of vermouth (it’s all I had in the cabinet) since I started on this journey 17 songs ago, or because this type of stifled meaninglessness disguised as creative maturity is just too hard for me to stomach.

SHE DON’T LOVE ME:Zayn sings but all I hear is and

Not a boy band member, not yet a solo star anyone over the age of probably 17 (just guessing) is willing to take seriously. But seriously, Zayn Malik has had sex, everyone! And he has no idea what subtlety is.

In case you were wondering how much of a walking joke one young pop star can become, now you know.

Separately, Gigi Hadid and Zayn Malik are two exceptionally beautiful people. Together, the pair look like a piece of artwork. Wearing designer duds and making out all over the place with a backdrop of Naples, Italy, they are almost too perfect to handle.

Mario Testino / Vogue

The drop-dead gorgeous duo posed for a major spread featured in Vogue’s May 2016 issue. The photos feature them kissing, laughing, kissing some more, riding motorcycles and just looking plain dreamy. The whole thing has an amazing “Roman Holiday” vibe to it.

Mario Testino / Vogue

Both Malik and Hadid took to social media to share images from the spread. For Malik’s part, he left the three images without captions, but paid homage to his supermodel girlfriend with a sweet solo shot:

The 56-year-oldrecord sat down with the mag to discuss the future of Harry Styles and the rest of the boys’ careers on Thursday, saying:

“I don’t know if it’s a hiatus or a breakup, to be honest. In a weird way, I don’t want to know. I don’t think they’ve had enough time to experience what it’s like not being in the group to really answer that.

OMG, it’s a TRIAL SEPARATION!!!

Cowell continued:

[Harry]’ll work out what kind of record he wants to make because he’s got great taste — which is always a help. All the writers and producers want to work with him, understandably, but he probably won’t rush into it.”

The Muppets stopped by Greg James‘ show on BBC Radio 1 on Monday to promote their new series on HBO, but couldn’t pass up the opportunity to treat the host to their rendition of the Made in the A.M. single.

And while Elmo and Phoebe may be cute, Greg is downright smokin’ once he starts showing off his own vocals! LOLz!

Ch-ch-check out Elmo, Phoebe, and Greg’s version of History by One Direction (below)!!!

So Gigi and Zayn just shipped off to Naples for an Italian photoshoot that will be featured in the May issue of Vogue, and Im noticing theres kind of a disparity between their lives and mine. The pictures feature the couple sporting fashion trends for spring (a lot of plaid and leather, apparently) while looking extremely hot and as in love as ever. I want to be happy for them, but I just dont think this whole situation is fair given the fact that Im not in Italy, had to go to work today, and need to do laundry later.

The pair worked with Mario Testino, a revered high fashion photographer, who styled the shoot to depict a traditional afternoon in Southern Italy. Theyre romantically posed in front of stunning vistas and also captured in action shots including riding a motorcycle along the coast, laughing in the streets, hooking up in a glam hotel room and doing acrobatics in bed. This is all incredibly charming, but I just waited 45 minutes in line for a Sweetgreen salad, so Im not as thrilled as I could be to see their vacation.

Dont get me wrong, I still love Gigi and Zayn, and this photoshoot is technically gorgeous in every way. All Im just saying is that maybe we could keep the playing field a little more even next time by inviting me and Harry Styles. Or me and any member of One Direction really. Im reasonable.

Clearly, Gigi didn’t appreciate one particular Twitter user — who has since deleted the remark — which read, “practice how to walk properly instead of having a new bf every 2 weeks.”

“I’ve dated 3 guys in 3 yrs, hun,” Gigi clapped back, referring to her exes Cody Simpson and Joe Jonas, as well as her current ex-boybander beau. “My walk can always get better; I hope the unrelated bitterness in ur heart can too.”

… Ouch.

This isn’t the first time Gigi has taken to Twitter to defend her relationship with Zayn. Last December, she tweeted — then deleted — her thoughts on their budding romance, after some criticized her for dating the former One Direction band member a month after splitting from Joe.

“There’s just no need to be judgmental about situations that are not your own. Let live,” Gigi tweeted at the time. “Sometimes life just happens. For whatever reason in whatever timing. And sometimes it doesn’t make sense til it does. That’s it.”

“If there was a real way to sit with each one of you and tell you my side of things, I would. But there’s not, so I won’t,” she added. “I’ve found the only way to happiness is by living as though the microscope isn’t there.”

Zayn confirmed he was dating Gigi last month. The two are now comfortable showing PDA, judging by this sweet snap Gigi Instagrammed of the “Pillowtalk” singer kissing her on the cheek while she cuddled with her cat, Chub, who unfortunately died recently.

Hair colour counts for so much more online than IRL when you opt for a shade that subverts expectations, it becomes a symbol of rebellion

Denim hair is the latest online hair trend, and became more than simply a hashtag when Kylie Jenner did it last week. Like rainbow hair, it is less about what you look like IRL and more about what looks good on Instagram.

This internetification of our physical appearance means we are bound by the logic of the web: the bigger the wow factor, the bigger the impact.

Rubenesque hair, as seen on Instagram.

The rise of the selfie also means the focus is now on your shoulders and your head portraiting. In this context, individual features (your lips, your eyes) become more important and your hair becomes the ultimate accessory.

It also helps that it looks really good: the way the shades fall within the locks of hair is positively Rubenesque. Plus, it looks even better under the Instagram filters Ludwig and Mayfair. The colour now commonly recognised as Denim Blue – a dusty grey/blue, has been popular in our salon for a while now, explains Alex Brownsell of Bleach. The colour denim is being seen as high fashion for the first time, featuring a lot on the catwalk by super modern brands such as Vetements.

Hair: the ultimate accessory.

But what does it mean? Well if the wearing of denim has connotations of being an outlaw when the colour is transported to your hair, that meaning is underlined. In this context, celebrities like Jenner and Joe Jonas dying their hair shades of grey and pink (shades that suggest a subversion of the norms), can be seen as the hair equivalent of raising a middle finger to the world. Online, your hair becomes a coded symbol of rebellion and freedom.

Once the preserve of young fan armies, former child stars are winning over new and older audiences with their fresh takes on pop music. But is their cred merely manufactured?

The life of a teen star used to take place in two acts. In the first, they would reach unfathomable heights of fame as an all-singing, all-grinning puppet for Simon Fuller or Mickey Mouse, living out a highly merchandisable bubblegum dream. In the second, once they had turned 18, they would do something sexy-messy with their hair and make new songs where theyd sing about how badly they wanted a bonk (women) or stand meaningfully in a polo neck next to someone playing an acoustic guitar (men).

The play nearly always ended the same way, with the quest for grown-up acceptance feeling hollow, a lack of acceptance from the real music establishment, and often with some kind of public breakdown. Ben from A1, Abs from 5ive, Robbie, Britney, Christina, most of the Spice Girls, the Jonas Brothers, the Olsen sisters, various members of S Club juniors and seniors, Hilary Duff, the cast of High School Musical: we have seen the same story play out so many times it feels as if were rewatching an old film.

Yet in the past year that scenario has been turned on its head. The most inventive music and interesting stories to emerge in pop music have come from former child stars. In nightclubs from Peckham to Miami, on the covers of style magazines, in academic thinkpieces, its been graduates of the Disney Channel, Nickelodeon and talent-show academies who have been fuelling popular culture. The narrative has changed, a third act added to the story the one where the child star strikes out as a groundbreaking artist in their own right, with the traditionally cool music world doubled-up in praise for them. Its more than just stars trying or being told to be mature, or growing with their fanbase their audience has actually shifted. Before, the only adults at these gigs were parents accompanying their kids; now music fans who left their teens behind long ago are baying for tickets, too.

The starkest version of this transformation is happening right now, as Zayn Malik, formerly one-fifth of One Direction, releases his debut solo album. Not long ago, images of Malik were being emblazoned on to pencil cases as he played out a part in a global tween fantasy. When he dramatically quit 1D last year, however, everything changed. At first it seemed as if things were heading towards a case of classic post-boyband stress disorder. Malik spent a few months posting embittered tweets (Remember when you had a life? he tweeted at former bandmate Louis Tomlinson), dumped his fiancee, Little Mixs Perrie Edwards, and the tabloids started to run stories about his meltdown.

But Zayns life was not in meltdown. He was holed up in his London mansion to record a solo album (Mind Of Mine, which came out yesterday). As opposed to his previous life in 1D, where his every move was masterminded by big teams, Zayn wrote all the lyrics to every song himself (which is also presumably why they have titles such as rEaR vIeW and fLoWer) and recorded half the album with Malay, the architect of Frank Oceans edgy R&B sound.

The albums only featured vocalist is Kehlani, a rising rap and R&B star from California, who herself found fame on Americas Got Talent before going it alone and self-releasing a mixtape (it ended up being Grammy nominated). Hes a genius, she says, which isnt exactly the word you might have associated with a manufactured boybander. He knows exactly what he wants and doesnt want, and thats incredibly admirable in an artist. His writing style is very necessary for our generation.

Justin Bieber

That necessary style is diffuse, a sound that reflects the current trend for pop music that cuts across genre but borrows from Disclosure-style house, R&B and reggae. Its lyrics, meanwhile, incorporate adult themes, unshackled from coy pop insinuation: sex so dirty and raw it will piss off the neighbours and a love interest that takes another line of blow from the table.

That real talk seems to reflect the way that Zayn speaks about himself in interviews, too. In a cover story for trendy youth culture magazine the Fader, he spoke about being a working-class Muslim from Bradford struggling with his own existence. He smoked a spliff while he told the interviewer, I love music and I get tattoos and I make mistakes. Its hardly the most rocknroll declaration to be made this year, but no parent paying close attention would have saved an issue for their 1D-adoring children. It was a clever, calculated move that certified Malik as a credible pop star in the making.

Malik was lucky, in that a blueprint for how to evolve deftly from tween idol to respected star had just been engraved on a gold tablet by Justin Bieber. Biebers transformation is probably best summed up by a meme doing the rounds on Instagram. On one side is the caption Beliebers 2014 and a photograph of screaming nine-year-old girls in neon pink jumpers, on the other side it says there are Beliebers 2015 and there is a photo of hard-looking roadmen in puffa jackets and Stone Island on a sofa in a shed.

The gag behind it is that somehow this animated blonde twerp went from being a childrens entertainer to the coolest person in music. Now, the same production heads who love buzzy electronic producers like Hudson Mohawke or Joy Orbison have spent the last six months raving about Biebers record Purpose. Even Kanye West, not known for doling out superlatives to others, tweeted that What Do You Mean? was his favourite track of the year, and Kim Kardashian posted a video on Snapchat of Kanye singing along to it.

Purpose was so popular because Bieber did something on it that pop stars almost never do: he didnt just have hip influences, he struck on a singular new sound. For the album, he worked with EDM producer Skrillex and Grimes collaborator BloodPop to create a digital-tropical lightness of touch, drawing on club culture (cool points!) and Jamaican dancehalls syncopated rhythms (grinding points!) and with choruses that can bust the charts.

Zane Lowe, who hosts the flagship show on Apples radio station Beats 1, is something of a global gatekeeper for what is and isnt seen as proper music. He would never have played 1D, for example, but hes been supportive of both Bieber and Malik, interviewing them and premiering their tracks. You can dress up pop stardom in a hundred different ways, he says, of how theyve gained respect in the music world, but if an artist wants something more meaningful and lasting, there has to be a willingness to try something different and break up the if it aint broke philosophy. Justin and Zayn have done that and made smart decisions, working with collaborators who have brought out a different side. Theyre evolving as artists.

For Gabriel Szatan, editor-in-chief at underground music platform Boiler Room, though, their cross-generation popularity comes down to the strength of the songs rather than being recognised as progressive artists. Its all about the nostalgia they conjure from the fans. I could over-intellectualise about poptimism storming the gates of techno snobbery, he says. But really, bouncing around to [Jack s Bieber-featuring hit] Where Are Now with your mates taps directly back into that dumb euphoria of doing the exact same to Rui Da Silva or Chicane as a kid. Thats why Biebers clout is growing fast.

Ariana Grande. Photograph: Scott Roth

Whether these stars are innovators themselves or just benefiting from working with taste-making producers, brought in by labels to capture a particular sound or style zeitgeist, is a moot point. You cant imagine Malik or Bieber would have got as far as they have if theyd been left to fend for themselves on GarageBand. But whats interesting about these stars, over and above technical ability, is their emancipation. These teen idols were culturally castrated in adolescence, forced to smooth any edges to their personality, so it feels rewarding to hear them make a club banger instead of a faceless bedroom producer youve never heard of. Increasingly, their musical freedom is often coupled with a newfound social liberation: able to say what they want for the first time, former child stars are becoming more and more outspoken on social issues facing young people.

Former Nickelodeon star Ariana Grande is one singer who is using social media to address sexism as if taking her social media cues from smart stars like Lorde, she responded to the endless questions asked about who shes dating with Gloria Steinem quotes. Then theres Carly Rae Jepsen, the teen Canadian Idol finalist. Her 2015 album Emotion, produced by members of Vampire Weekend and Blood Orange, marked her shift from tween Bieber protege to pop/indie crossover artist as did her answers in interviews, where she got honest on issues such as feminism.

The teen idol whose transformation embodies all of this best is Miley Cyrus. She started out as a butter-wouldnt-melt Disney kids star, even wearing a purity ring to signify her virginal status. Then she undid her image bit by bit with every album, until 2013s Bangerz, a record supported by a series of sexually explicit performances and videos that outraged the US. At first her feminist credentials and cultural appropriation of hip-hop were mercilessly debated.

But the Bangerz tour that followed a high-art exploration of music, erotica and psychology placed in the incongruous setting of a tween pop concert silenced the critics and won her a legion of new appreciators. I remember watching this show, including a 50ft dog shooting lasers from its eyes, graphic animations featuring dildo limbs and bestiality, and a magic mushroom trip recreated with Jim Henson-style monsters, and wondering whether I was at The O2 or MOMA.

Miley Cyrus at the 2015 MTV Video Music Awards. Photograph: John Shearer/Getty

Cyrus then spent the next couple of years supporting homeless LGBT youth in Los Angeles through her Happy Hippy Foundation and performing with some heroes of counterculture, including Joan Jett, 60s protest singer Melanie Safka and trans Against Me! frontwoman Laura Jane Grace. Further eschewing the traditional pop artist mould, her most recent project, Miley Cyrus & Her Dead Petz, was a collaboration with the Flaming Lips and featured vocals from indie weirdos such as Ariel Pink. Her record label deemed it so uncommercial they allowed her to release it for free online. Cyrus was no longer the woman swinging naked from a wrecking ball but an important cultural disrupter.

Of course, artists maturing their sound as they get older is nothing new, but the traditional route for a pop star to gain respect from the cool crowd was for them to stop making pop music thats been true across the decades, from John Lennon to Charlie from Busted. Yet none of todays versions, like Bieber and Malik, are disavowing their pop roots. Rather, they are becoming standard-bearers for the genre that made them, mixing up elements of R&B, electronic dance music and hip-hop to change the sound of pop altogether and helping to create a genre-less future.

Now, that cycle continues, as the child stars of today follow Cyrus, Malik and Biebss model. Take Rowan Blanchard, a 14-year-old Nickelodeon star: her life is not that different to how Cyruss was at the same age, except that Blanchard is currently on the cover of style mag Wonderland explaining why she identifies as queer. Her friend, 17-year-old Hunger Games actor Amandla Stenberg, is part of folk duo Honeywater: shes been an active supporter of the Black Lives Matter campaign and posted a series of videos explaining intersectional feminism. Last month she was was on the cover of Teen Vogue talking about American race relations with intelligence and subtlety, in a way few adult stars ever have.

Amandla Stenberg. Photograph: Jon Kopaloff

Completing this new teen set are Willow Smith and Jaden Smith, the children of Will and Jada, who have both talked about their ambitions to deconstruct gender and R&B. Willows self-released, self-produced album Ardipithecus last December was a stroll through various disconnected genres that underlines just how unpredictable pop music has become.

Thats the most exciting thing about the new teen stars: theyve hurled the starting point for the next generation wildly leftfield. What happens now? The next big teen pop album could be produced by Oneohtrix Point Never. Grown adults could be pestering the DJ to play that massive new Halsey tune. Sophia Grace in concert might become the hottest ticket since Radiohead at the Roundhouse. The field of pop is wide open and everyone is game.