Dear Jonny, Problems In The Bedroom

My fiance has always been honest and straightforward with me about his desire for sadomasochistic games/role playing. I’ve tried my best to accommodate him, I really have, but that stuff just isn’t my cup of tea. It basically freaks me out. He’s been cool about it and very patient. Here’s the problem: I just recently found out from a reliable source that he’s been visiting “all male” bondage clubs for the better part of a year. My first reaction was anger and disgust, but now I can’t help but feel very guilty and even more confused. I love this man a lot, I want him to be the father of my children, so I’m feeling helpless here. I don’t know what to say or do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

– Beth

Dear Beth,

It sounds as if your fiance has a very strong predilection toward a particular sexual fetish. It sounds as if he’s tried very hard to include you in a world you want no part of. And it sounds as if he cares enough about you to remain in a relationship, despite your refusal. Visiting a club is normal behavior. Visiting an “all male” bondage club is normal behavior for certain people. But being in a monogamous heterosexual relationship while secretly visiting an “all male” bondage club is abnormal – if not alarming – behavior. If your fiance is the sort of person who has been honest and straightforward about his sexual fetishes, then a cool, direct confrontation should prove productive. At that point you two will decide to either break it off, or attend couple’s therapy (as well as sex therapy) and tough it out. Personally, I think your fiance is transforming into something that does not include you, and if you do not address this issue immediately, it’s probably not going to work out. Good luck.