Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Personal: The Bro Code

For all of those people who didn't know, I have a slight obsession with "How I Met Your Mother" so I found a group on facebook that had a almost complete list of all the Bro Codes and thought I would share it with you. There is a lot, BEWARE.

Article 1: Bros before hoes. Always remember, girlfriends come and go, but your boys are always there. Breaking this rule is to commit the cardinal sin against Team Testosterone.

Article 9:If you go the bar with your buddies, you must buy a round of drinks at least once. The Bro with the better paying job is required to buy the first round. If the other Bro is temporarily out of money or left his wallet at home drinks can be lended yet in the long run these drinks must be repaid, later that night by wingman services or any other act of entertainment or at the next gathering.

Article 17:When out with the guys, never accept a call from your girlfriend—unless she's dying or trapped under a burning fuel truck, and if that's the case, make it quick.

Article 18:Always allow a buffer zone at urinals and on couches.

Article 19:Never share a bed with a guy, unless there's no way around it.

Article 20:Bros Before Hoes. I know, I already used it. I can't stress it enough, though. It is absolutely infuriating how many of my guy friends have become insufferable ***** since they've gone out with someone.

Article 21:In a 6 person hot tub, there should be a maximum of 3 guys.

Article 26: A Bro will, in a timely manner, alert his Bro to the existence of a girl fight. A Bro must never hesitate before communicating the possibility of fisticuffs between two humans of the female variety [[HENCEFORTH "GIRL FIGHT"]], in an effort to make possible and probable that another Bro or Bros can partake in observation. A timely manner is open to interpretation based on the initial Bro's viewing and processing of the potential feminine conflagration. Said Bro must use any and all methods of media distribution at his disposal, including but not limited to: telecommunications, elbow nudging, fiber optics, the Broney express, and postcards. If an informed Bro is unable to witness the girl fight firsthand, the spotter Bro is responsible for documenting and relating details of the girl fight via pictures, video*, or barring any other reasonable method, interpretive dance and/or pantomime. Tabling Bro obligations to witness a XX chromosomal scuffle is not only condoned, but encouraged, and in some cases, required. Please refer to the Brobligation rubric as elucidated in AMENDMENT 83: "The REALLY hot sister and other hump trumps."

Article 27:A Bro should never carry a woman's handbag

Article 28:A Bro should never go tanning.

Article 29:No Bro should dye their hair

Article 30:A Bro should never refer to an athlete as a "stud"

Article 31:A Bro should never cry during a movie. In the event that he does, he must under no circumstance admit it to anyone other than a girl he is trying to score with.

Article 32:A Bro should not "pop" his collar.

Article 33:A Bro should not speak more than two languages.

Unless

1. He has lived for a minimum of 9 months in a country whose main language is one of those languages2. He uses the extra language as a means of picking up women who only speak that language3. His job requires him to know more than 2 languages4. It is a means of only to impress women and nothing else

If in the occurrence that a Bro knows more than 2 languages, it is the given right for said bro to invite other bros to parties where this language is spoken, having said bro escort and be the official bilingual wingman.

Article 38:A Bro should never use the following words: fantabulous, ginormous & fierce.

Article 39:A Bro should never wrap a towel around his head after leaving the shower.

Article 40:A Bro should never "sip" and alcoholic drink through a straw

Article 41:A Bro should never wear a blouse.

Article 42:If you are not living with a girl you should not have tampons in your bathroom.

Article 43:A Bro should not wear crocs.

Article 44:A Bro should not wear a leotard or do pirouettes.

Article 45:A Bro should never wear a sweater over his shoulders

Article 46:A Bro should not eat grapes from the vines

Article 47:A Bro should never rollerblade

Article 48:The word cute should not be used other then describing a chick they want to bone

Article 49:If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

Article 50:A Bro should never, ever wear capri pants.

Article 51:A Bro should not wear flip flops with a suit.

Article 52:No Bro should wear a speedo to the beach

Article 53:A Bro will, whenever possible, provide his Bro with protection. In the event that one Bro finds himself lacking the necessary prophylactic accoutrements needed to complete the act of coitus in a safe and effective manner, he is in the right to expect his Bro will use all measures within or without his means to provide the aforementioned prophylactic in a timely yet discreet fashion. When a Bro signals his need using previously agreed upon code words and/or body signage, it is understood that his Bro will discontinue all present activity [excepting the act of coitus itself [whereby which Bro vows to finish as quickly as possible]], in order to respond with a panoply of options at Bro-in-need's location. A Bro must patronize the most rapid method of transportation available while endeavoring to assist his Bro. In no instance may a two-wheeled bicycle be used* as this is not only humiliating, but also potentially harmful to the perineum - a zone of tissue perilously adjacent to noted sexual organs. In the event that a state, federal, international, or galactic law is breached due to recklessness, unacceptable levels of speed, and/or the hijacking of an airborne vehicle(s), it is understood that the primary Bro will shoulder any associated legal fees or fines. However, any costs or damages incurred from the use of public transportation are the responsibility of the secondary Bro alone as this is an instance of Quid Pro Bro. Upon arrival at the primary Bro's location, the secondary Bro must exercise complete discretion so as not to disrupt the primary Bro's "flow." It is understood that a Bro will engage in all training necessary to achieve this objective, including, at minimum, a five month Ninjitsu curriculum mastering the twin arts of stealth and secrecy.** Once the primary Bro has been supplied with the necessary prophylactic(s), the Brocedure is deemed complete upon exchange of the traditional, though in this case silent, "high five." Tacit in this unspoken ritual is the understanding that said episode will never be spoken of again, unless it's part of an awesome story. * Unless a bicycle is the ONLY form of transportation, as in some Cambodian villages **

Article 54:No Bro should make a kissing face in a photo.

Article 55:No Bro should wear girl jeans

Article 56:A Bro shall never reveal the score of a sporting event to another Bro until that Bro has thrice confirmed it's cool.

Article 57: A Bro may not speculate on the expected Bro/chick ratio of a party or venue without first disclosing the present-time observed ratio.

Article 58:If a Bro, for whatever reason, becomes aware of another Bro's girlfriend's birthday and/or anniversary date, he shall endeavor to make that information available to his Bro, regardless of whether he thinks his Bro already knows.

Article 59:One Bro makes a solo attack.A Second Bro provides a crutch,A third Bro rounds out the pack,But a fourth Bro is one too much

Article 60:Should a Bro be near to closing with a girl, his Bro shall do anything within his means to ensure the desired outcome, up to and including the seduction of said girls wildly unattractive friend/cousin/sister.

Article 61:A Bro shall honor thy father and mother

Article 62: In the event that two Bros acquire the same target, the Bro with the longer dry spell has dibs. Should the dry spells be of equal length, a game of discreet roshambo(rock paper scissors) shall determine the outcome

Article 63:In a scenario in which two or more Bros are engaged in entertainment of the adult variety, one Bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in any capacity, including but not limited to; the high-five, the fist bump, or the congratulatory gluteus pat. Winking is also a no no.

Article 64:A Bro must provide his Bro to a ticket to an event if said event involves the second Bro's favorite sports team in a playoff scenario

Article 65:A Bro must always reciprocate a round of drinks among Bros with the proviso that no existing wager supercedes this purchase and exchange of spirits.

Article 66:If a Bro suffers pain due to the permanent dissolution of a relationship with a lady friend, a Bro shall offer nothing more than "that sucks, Bro" and copious quantities of beer. A Bro will also refrain from pejorative commentary - deserved or not - regarding said lady friend for a period of three months, when the requisite BACKSLIDE WINDOW has closed.

Article 67:Should a Bro pick up a guitar at a party and commence playing , another Bro shall point out that he is a tool

Article 68:If a Bro be on a hot streak, another Bro will do everything possible to ensure its longevity, even if that includes jeopardizing his own records, the missing of work; or temporary immigration to a foreign country.

Article 69:No Bro should ever get a pedicure

Article 70:A Bro should never highlight his hair.

Article 71:A Bro should not talk to another Bro in the bathroom.

Article 72:A Bro should never sing show tunes.

Article 73:A Bro should never eat out of another Bro's hands.

Article 74:Two men should not share an umbrella.

Article 75:A Bro should not have "an outfit".

Article 76:A Bro should not wear a white belt.

Article 77: A Bro never cries. Unless it’s regarding Article 31.

Article 78:A Bro should never wiggle out of a pair of pants.

Article 79:No Bro can hit another Bro in the groin unless victim Bro has broken the Bro code.

Article 80:A Bro may never seek entertainment from professional women's sports. Unless said entertainment be comedic or physical e.g. gymnastics, beach volleyball

Article 81:What happens between bros stay between bros...also known as the what happens in vegas stays in vegas rule and the what happens on tour stays on tour rule

Article 82:If a Bro catches another Bro in plagiarism - albeit awesome plagiarism - a Bro shall be required to ask the Bro to cite his source.

Article 83:A Bro can not cock-block another Bro UNLESS sleeping with said girl would break a Bro code.

Article 84:Love thy neigh-Bro

Article 85:No bros night out can start with "the wife put out some cheese" and end "with everyone at home by eleven, booya."

Article 86:If said bros is lost to a relationship, they must void all rights to use the bros code for any purpose and are rightfully subjected to any and all humorous ploys made to said post-bros by previous bros.

Article 87:A Bro shall at all times say 'Yes'.

Article 88:Any bros who notice a fellow bros passed out at any social gathering due to drug or alcohol consumption, is obligated to take humiliating photo's and/or videos of the passed out bros; unless said bros has consumed a whiskey, rum, scotch or other hard liquor to an excess of a ratio of: once ounce:3kg of body mass (7lbs imperial)

Article 89: "A Bro may never pursue the mom of another Bro." Be it here resolved that at no point is it permissible for one Bro to engage in carnal delicacies with another Bro's mother. It is, however, allowed and encouraged for one Bro to graphically suggest to a Bro the athletic feats, animalia, and/or machinery utilized during a fictional encounter with his mom. [[NOTA BENE: It is customary for a Bro to avoid such Brocularity if his Bro's mom is a 9 or better, for fear of Oedipal inducement.]] Should a Bro discover his Bro is in fact adopted, he is free to pursue his Bro's adoptive mother, but only after first corroborating non-biological parentage through notarized birth certificates, hospital records, or comparative dioxyribonucleic acid gel electrophoresis, whichever is easiest. Since the adopted Bro cannot legitimately claim to have shared a canal with his Bro, ARTICLE 89 expressly prohibits the adopted Bro from invoking the Sloppy Second clause in any related filings with the International Court of Bros. Though the mom of a Bro is always off limits, the step-mom of a Bro is allowed if she initiates it and/or is wearing at least one article of leopard print clothing. If she looks good in it.

Article 90:No bros should know any fellow bros weight for any reason. Previous bros code stipulation should only have an assumed weight. If the assumed weight is on the turning point of humility and peace, humility over-rides

Article 91:When bros are up for the same promotion/job position and are subjected to interviews, bros in a prior interview must alert bros of any and all trick questions they can remember. This ensures all bros get an equal chance at the position/title because it is well known fact that the bros performing the interview wants to get the process over as quick as possible and the only way for a fair chance is to make all subsequent bros seem better.

Article 92:When a bros introduces a fellow bros to their hot female friend, the introducer has the rights to the girl. The introduced bros can only attempt to get the girl if the introducer bros gives his consent.

Article 93:If any bros acts out of line and defies any bros code during a multiple bros conversation with any number of girls, the other bros have the right to tell any humiliating stories and facts about said bros for the purpose of ruining said bros chances with the girl(s).

Article 94:Should a Bro (1st, 2nd or 3rd) be hooking up with an unattractive woman, the Bro that notices this must do all in their power to stop said Bro from closing the deal, unless they are helping another Bro with Article 60.

Article 95:Any girl passing out in a non-bedroom designated area of a dwelling occupied by more than one bros is not up for grabs under any circumstances. Additionally, said girl can be subjected to humiliating photos as long as other bros are alerted to its undertaking

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lifeinmagazines brushed back her hair and tucked herself away to reblog some pictures. It wasn't that outside of magazines was especially unbearable. It just couldn't hold the same glamour and allure. Why couldn't we all look airbrushed to perfection and entertain in color-coordinated homes worthy of Martha Stewart Weekly? The world needed more pretty in it. And one day she would have the means to see to that it did.