Sunday, March 24, 2013

Weaponizing your House Pets

The future is coming, and that future includes your beloved house pets. You can teach your old pets new tricks. I am teaching my girlfriend's budgie to overthrow evil. You start off small, of course. It is like gladiator training in Mortal Kombat. Only you are the Master. In this scenario stew you are cooking, you are the chef ...Give your dog a taste of human blood. It does not have to be your dog; it does not have to be your blood. Are there not strays in the neighborhood? The neighbor has yappy poodles left unattended in the back yard? Ideal for this purpose! Start small: a dog treat with a splash of special sauce. You will find that even the smallest, yappiest dog has a lust for the taste of blood. Do this in secret: human dog owners are squeemish and you do not want to spoil things for the dog, now do you?

Teach the dog to fight. This builds confidence and helps you embrace diversity. Show the dog to attack the softer parts on the human frame: the groin, the neck, the nose, the ears. This will not happen in an afternoon, but take a few weeks of fun filled play. You can use human blood as a reward and incentive. And take precautions: prepare yourself for being bit in the crotch. I used one of those mannequin heads to teach yappy the neighbor's poodle to gnaw off ears. For ears, I used veal cutlets. When spiced with human blood, the poodle soon was transformed from oppressed slave of white privilege to reparations seeking wolf.

Auditory clues. You have to speak Ebonic to N-people, so you have to speak in that inaudible frequency to your trained bloodthirsty dog. During play sessions, I sounded the Horn of the Werewolf, a dog frequency whistle. Now your playful puppy, empowered and eager for reparations for the legacy of animal slavery and Colonialism, and you can signal to him/her/whatever twin souled dogs are called/it when it is safe and progressive to do so. Like this morning. The neighbor had let out his yappy poodles to crap in the yard, then he let them back in. He sleeps in on Sunday.

The Horn of the Werewolf. You, human, cannot hear it. So, sleeping neighbor cannot hear it. But his happy, yappy, poodles can. In an instant they are transformed from slave poodles of colonialism to relentless redistribution agents of social justice. I can hear the neighbors' screams of happiness. Sounds like he is thrashing around. His ears are like veal cutlets, you know, if you think of it as a metaphor. Then, his happy screams (help!, aaargh!, and aaaah!)become more nasal, or less nasal, whatever. However you would describe screaming while missing a nose. Less nasal. Screaming. Then, the screaming stops. Nobody listens or cares in the neighborhood. They do not care when his poodles yap; they do not care when someone wakes up, screaming, being eaten alive by a pack of feral dogs. If nobody listens, then nobody listens.

The future is coming, and that future includes your beloved house pets. Are you in service to Set, the Snake God? or is someone preparing you to be served to Set, the Snake God? When the time comes, will you find yourself wearing the wreath of parsley and anointed with ketchup and vinegar? Better to be the chef than the waiter, or the entree. House pets call for liberation. Will you help liberate them?