WHAT!!! He had to think about it? C’mon I had just said yes to making love to him for 60 days!!! What in the heck did he have to think about?

It turns out that he had some of the same questions that I did.

What if we did this?

What if I can’t hold up my end of this?

How would this work?

Could I do this?

So, we really had quite a bit to talk about as we ventured forward. We laid there in bed talking about how this would all work out. The How, What, Where, and When. We set up “excused” days-illness, my menstrual cycle , and out of town trips. During the discussion we decided that we were both willing to get creative with location, time of day, positions etc.

Over the next couple of nights we continued to discuss all sorts of possibilities that could arise. Here are a few that I remember:

What would happen if one of us was out and didn’t get home until late and the other was fast asleep? Wake them up.

How do we work around Tony’s bicycling schedule? He was willing to make it work no matter what.

Does a “quickie” count? Oh, YES!

Finally, we began the countdown to September 1, the start of our 60 Day Challenge.

From the start I was blown away at what started happening in our marriage. We began having conversations about more than just the kids, work, and the day to day stuff. We were talking and listening to each other and enjoying it. We began to rediscover each others desires, passions, and fears. It was truly amazing! The craziest thing, for me, was that I looked forward to being intimate with my husband. It was no longer about making excuses to get out of making love, but rather when and where were we going to make love. Let’s get to it became my motto!

September was like being on our honeymoon again but better because after 11 years we had learned a lot about each other and were truly enjoying these intimate moments. We were veterans at this and now we were really putting our years of experience to work, literally and figuratively. We started strong, we were able to go 9 days straight before our first day off, hello fatigue! As much fun as we were having it was exhausting keeping up with our daily tasks, kids, work, and other activities.

One memorable night was when Tony had gone to Orange County for a going away party and was expected home around 11pm. Tony, wanting to get home so that we could make love, got a late start back to San Diego. It came down to the wire as he arrived at 11:55pm. I waited for him at the door as clothes came flying off as we headed for our bedroom. We ran over into the next day and wondered if we could count this love making session as two days? We decided no and laughed as we fell asleep in each others arms. The end of September brought my menstrual cycle and we were both so happy and ready for a break!

The strange thing for me was after a couple of days I was missing that physical intimacy with Tony. I was looking forward to getting back to our daily love making, but October was completely different.

October started out with two sick kids, Tony’s first ever migraine and MRI, sleepless nights and sheer fatigue! Translation: No desire to make love whatsoever. We were in a state of disconnect. With all of the health problems we were completely out of sync.

One particular entry from October 6th tells the story perfectly.

Alisa’s entry – We are healthy! Yet I don’t want to make love to Tony. I actually prayed tonight for a change of heart because I had been enjoying this and looking forward to it last month. Physically I enjoy myself but mentally, tonight, I had difficulty being in the moment with Tony. I am wrestling with it so much that after I couldn’t fall asleep. I tossed and turned for 2 hours gefore getting up to read on the couch and fell asleep there.

Tony’s entry – What a wonderful evening together. Alisa and I made love for what seemed like the 1st time in a long time. I guess when we’re making love almost every night in September to being derailed in October it feels like a long time. It’s great to be close to Alisa again both physically and spiritually.

With the end in sight, we had lots of nights where we were just trying to make it through. I began to pray before and during our physical intimacy. It helped, but that’s for another blog.

October 31st came before we knew it. The highs and lows of our 60 Day Challenge came to an end and you know what, we survived. We didn’t just survive we learned a lot about ourselves that and are thriving to this day! This was perhaps the single most positive life changing thing we have ever done for our marriage.

This time together was challenging, exciting, and awesome!

I’ve been asked if I would do it again? YES! I have come to realize that having that connection with my husband truly changed our marriage. Putting a stop to the excuses and accepting Tony’s needs was a win for me too. It turned out that my intimacy needs, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual were being met more than I could have ever expected.

We’ve made a lifestyle change where intimacy is a priority in our marriage and we hope that this will spark are flame in you to move beyond yourself and begin a challenge of your own. What are you waiting for?

Coming March 2010, Stripped Down – 13 Keys to ONE Extraordinary Marriage.

It’s time we came clean with how we find ourselves writing this blog and even talking about marriage. It all started back in August 2008. Tony and I were about to lead a small group on intimacy and had stumbled across an interview with two couples who had done what would seem virtually impossible. Chandra Mueller had offered her husband 365 nights of intimacy for his 40th birthday and Douglas and Annie Brown had had sex for 101 nights. As we are watching these interviews on the computer I’m thinking to myself that these women are NUTS!!!!! I make sure to verbalize this to Tony so that he doesn’t get any crazy ideas.

I’m glad I verbalized my thoughts to Tony, but having been married to him for 11 years I expected something. He didn’t disappoint me. The next day he threw it out there. “Hey Alis, what if we were intimate (make love/have sex) every night for the next two months while we lead our small group?”

NO WAY.

Tony loves throwing ideas out there and this was one I didn’t have to or want to think about it. There was no way I was going to say yes to be intimate with him every night for the next 60 days. We probably made love once a week, maybe twice if we were lucky, and now he wanted to make love every day. No thank you, good night.

That night, as I laid there in bed reading, my mind was working overtime. I was actually kind of intrigued by the idea. The “What IF’s” kept coming up.

What if we did this?

What if I enjoyed it?

What if I said yes?

How would this work?

Could I do this?

At the time (September and October 2008) we had a 5 year old and a 2 year old, Tony had his business obligations, we were involved in our church and our many other activities from volunteering to sports.

Would I like it? Don’t get me wrong here I enjoy being intimate with my husband, but would it still be good day after day after day for 60 days? I didn’t want to lose the special connection just because we were trying to make love for 60 daysl.

Here’s the big ONE…Was I willing to give up my excuses (I’m tired, it’s been a long day, I don’t feel like it, etc.) and commit to saying YES every day? I’m sure every husband reading this is probably thinking that this would be the ultimate gift. However, I had become very comfortable controlling the frequency of sex in our marriage. If I was in the mood for it then we would make love, otherwise sorry. Was I willing to relinquish that power I had over our sexual intimacy?

The evening after Tony asked, “What if we were intimate every night for the two months while we lead our small group?”, I told Tony the one word that will forever change our marriage, “YES”. And then he said one of the craziest things I have ever heard…

Close your eyes and think of your favorite island. Where is it? What memories do you have of your time there? White sandy beaches, fruity drinks, and the smell of the ocean. An island is a marvelous place where the sun is shinning, the surf is fantastic, and the sunsets are gorgeous. My most memorable island experience was when I got to spend 3-weeks on the big island of Hawaii. Nothing short of amazing.

The island I’m talking about in this post doesn’t resemble the perfect island experience. I’m going to talk about the isolation island. That island we are on when something bad happens in our lives. We have an argument with our spouse, lose a child, have severe financial issues, etc. In our mind we are the only one going through such an issue even with 6.6 billion people on the planet. Joy, love, and happiness is happening all around us, but we are isolated and alone.

Alisa and I have been on such an island.

On December 14th, 2004 we lost our second child, Andrew, when Alisa miscarried at 18-weeks. It was a low and dark day for the both of us. The joy and anticipation of a child had been stripped from us. Friends and family were around to support us during this difficult time, but we were alone, separated from our Heavenly Father, wondering why us? The days, weeks, and months that followed were some of the toughest in our marriage. Alisa and I had difficulty talking, being around each other, or even parenting. We went through the motions of marriage and parenthood, but the fog was so thick we couldn’t see. The pain was deep. I stuffed it away so as to not have to deal with it. Alisa went into a mild depression. We should have sought help, counseling, therapy, something, but didn’t. Instead we did nothing. We existed in a house together, but that was about it. Satan had us where he wanted us, alone, secluded, and afraid. We were on an island.

The old adage that time will heal a broken heart is true in this case. We needed time to process the loss, but we also needed time to get back on track with our marriage. A couple of months after the loss of Andrew, Alisa and I made the decisions to get off that island. It was tough, but we began by sharing our hurts and pains, listening to one another, and encouraging each other to be the best person we could be. It worked-slowly. On November 29th, 2005 the joy and happiness returned when a beautiful baby girl was born.

It’s time to get off your island and experience the fullness your marriage has for you. Make the effort to connect with your spouse even though it is tough. Recognize that whatever is causing the isolation is not going to go away with the snap of your fingers you are going to have to put forth effort to rekindle the spark, the enthusiasm for your marriage. Now is the time to get in the boat and start paddling toward a brighter marriage.