I left my house during the day today, for the first time in a few weeks. I felt an air of superiority to everyone I met. I was contemptuous of them. Humanity is an ignorant, parasitic blight, and I was the only one that realized it was doing something about it.

talk about ignorant

I think it was Lestat in The Body Thief who despaired about being Human. It’s summed up pretty well in there.

I did feel a sense of control and… lightness, as I walked about. The knowledge that nothing can really be done to you is somewhat empowering. What can anyone do to me now that I’ve decided to die?

Must be a manic phase! I’m starting to get excited. All my plans are coming to fruition. At first glance this might seem simple, but the subtle complexities are not apparent to those who haven’t tried before.

The desire to speak to all your friends and even enemies rears its head. That old friend you have to say good bye to. That ex-gf you called a bitch and didn’t mean to. Your Uncle you never hugged. The mailman you never thanked…

I actually start to see all these as subconscious procrastination measures. So I reject them all. Well not All of them. I want to say goodbye to my two best friends…

I ALSO want to leave a YouTube suicide note. Not sure if anyone else has done it or not. I feel safe in doing it because the time it takes to verify the UL and post it is sufficient enough to allow me the ten or so minutes I’ll need to die.

I hate in movies when they cut everything unrealistically close, but there are so many things I need to do at the last minute to ensure I am not interfered with.

The YouTube video, REDDITing of my first post-death post, and final phone calls all have to happen immediately prior to launch. If any oxygen reaches me before death, I may end up in a paralyzed or vegetative state. Neither of these appeal to me, so timing is going to become critical.

When I was a kid, I would ball myself up in a blanket, and cry out to gods I didn’t believe in to kill me. I would have settled for a meteor, lightning, SIDs, a random car accident… Anything.

I didn’t even know why, except that I hated everything. I hated everyone. I would alternate between wanting to die and wanting everyone Else to die.. I think there was a Calvin and Hobbes about that.

I was filled with hate, and today, I sometimes get a taste of that hatred, in one form or another and I wonder: Where did all that Hate go? Did I expel it, or most if it? or did I simply hide it somewhere?

I know my family is gonna’ freak out over this. I try not to think about it because it is not a pleasant thought. So I thought about simply “disappearing.” Sadly, in order to ensure my privacy and thus completion of this act, my room is the best place to do this. So I apologize for being selfish even in death, but why break my personal patterns now, right?