A Valentine Story

At least, that was what she told everybody including me. But in reality, we were more than that; we were best friends indeed but with benefits. We had a friendship without limits. Only she was not aware of the benefits. Maybe because things only happened when she (and I) was (were) intoxicated. But never sober. Afraid perhaps? Didn’t want the consequences and complications the truth may bring? I don’t know. If she said we were only best of friends so, be it.

Things were not that complicated in the beginning. She was just a neighbour, and I was just there watching. I watched her spins her web, and before I knew, I was caught in it. Not that she was trying. That was one thing she never did, try. It just happened. We sat with each other (if she had nothing better to do) we talked, we drank, we kissed we smoked, philosophized, and argued and told each other we didn’t care. She had boyfriends, I had a girlfriend. But we spent Christmas, New Year, Valentines and almost every minute (she could spare) with each other. If only it stayed that way.

But little boys do grow up. They start to see things differently. They start wondering why she didn’t know that she was his first kiss. How could she forget things like that? It supposed to be important. He became tired of watching who will be the flavour of the night and if it didn’t work out the way she scripted it, he had to jump in to save the day. Always on standby, always waiting, but no recognition, Status undefined. Except for the fact that she would break any relationship if the contract includes: “forbidden to see me.” And the knife cuts both ways. I would ditch any girl who wouldn’t allow me to play with the vampire girl. My excuse: I have known her longer than anyone except my own mother. Sometimes, I’m good at fooling myself.

So, one night in pathetic attempt to wake her up from her years of slumber I poured my heart out to her.

I thought she would listen, or at least echo my feelings. Only it didn’t really work the way I pictured it was going to be. She laughed at me and said she didn’t understand. Why complicate the matters when there was no need to do so. She asked why I could not stay the same; she thought we were doing okay, why suddenly she could not recognize me anymore? “Where is my best friend?” she asked.

I told her that her best friend was gone. He grew up and vanished. That the reason why she could not understand was because her brain was closed, And she never did try to put herself in the shoes of others, that she was selfish and had Peter Pan’s Syndrome. Boy, I was courageous and foolish and there was no way back.

The drugs came shortly after. From there it went downhill. The only one who stayed was Rachel (my girlfriend) she, the vampire girl would not even speak to me. The last thing she said was: “Jim, I cannot understand. Why? You are my best friend.” The next day she had a new boyfriend. Is that fair?

The vampire girl disappeared one day. She sold her house next to mine. After more than a decade of living next door to her, suddenly she was gone. No explanation, no reconciliation, no goodbyes.

Up to now, I often wonder what happened to that girl…where she is… if she still remembers me… if we will meet again someday. I certainly hope so. She’s my best friend. Still.

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THE PAINT IN CHURCHES GETS WORN AWAY QUICKER THAN IN OTHER BUILDINGS. I THINK IT’S THE FRICTION OF THE SOULS. THEY GRIND THEMSELVES AGAINST THE CEILINGS AND WALLS.

IF I COULD REACH FOR SOMETHING BRILLIANT, THAT WOULD BE THE HOME WHICH BEEN DENIED TO ME AND THE PRESENCE OF THE PEACE I'VE NEVER KNOWN...

Why I write

I write to exorcise some ghosts (there are plenty) to make peace with my past, to keep sane, to let skeletons out the closet and occasionally let them dance naked, to vent. I write because I don’t know any better.

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Healology

“Growing up, I always had a soldier mentality. As a kid I wanted to be a soldier, a fighter pilot, a covert agent, professions that require a great deal of bravery and risk and putting oneself in grave danger in order to complete the mission. Even though I did not become all those things, and unless my predisposition, in its youngest years, already had me leaning towards them, the interest that was there still shaped my philosophies. To this day I honor risk and sacrifice for the good of others – my views on life and love are heavily influenced by this.”

― Criss Jami

Musing

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

“I have this strange feeling that I’m not myself anymore. It’s hard to put into words, but I guess it’s like I was fast asleep, and someone came, disassembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again. That sort of feeling.”

- Haruki Murakami

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeoning of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

what are you afraid of?

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Kindred Spirits

Introversion

“...I also believe that introversion is my greatest strength. I have such a strong inner life that I’m never bored and only occasionally lonely. No matter what mayhem is happening around me, I know I can always turn inward.”

what i’ve been doing…

We were born to be free, to expand our horizons by going where we have never gone before, and not to hang out in the relative comfort and safety of the nest, the known. There is a place within us that is courageous beyond our human understanding; it yearns to explore beyond the boundaries of our daily life.

- Dennis Merritt Jones

Once I had started my solitude, I realized anew that it was easy for me to become accustomed to this state and that the most effortless existence for me was in fact in one in which I was not obliged to speak to anyone. My fretful attitude to life left me. Each dead day had its charm.

- Yukio Mishima

It well may be,
That we will never meet again,
In this lifetime.
So let me say before we part,
So much of me,
Is made of what I learned from you.
You’ll be with me,
Like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end,
I know you have re-written mine,
By being part of my life…

I'm Michelle. This is my blog. I write about women and fatness, expound upon semi-coherent thoughts I have in the middle of the night, and offer tough love to those in whom I am disappointed; they are legion.