Slow & Solo - The (almost) Guilt Free Travel Alternative

Ellen Singer (EllenS)

Acknowledgement: Thank you to all the Slow Travelers who took the time
to share their insights and experiences with me as I developed these notes.
You enrich my travel regularly on the both the main site and the message board,
and I appreciate your willingness to both pay back and, at times, pay it forward.

My first trip to Italy, in October 2001, was also my first time traveling
alone internationally. Although I'd often traveled within the United States
and Canada on my own, it was usually for my job and, therefore, I had specific
objectives to accomplish, places to go and people to meet with. I'd only traveled
on my own for pleasure on a couple of occasions, and then for only a few days
at a time.

That first trip to Italy was an eye opener for me. I discovered that I
enjoy travel alone as much as with others. I learned that while I do have
boundaries, they are broader, higher and more flexible than I thought. I realized
that the same things that had been holding me back from trying solo travel
were, in fact, among the most freeing aspects of it. Finally, and perhaps
most importantly, I returned home understanding myself a little better, with
enhanced self-confidence and the willingness and desire to push myself even
harder the next time.

I've talked with many solo travelers over the past several months to learn
why they strike out on their own and what they have learned from their experiences.
Although their backgrounds, ages and nationalities are different, some common
themes emerged.

Why Travel Alone?

From the practical to the whimsical, there are a variety of reasons to
travel solo. Sometimes it comes down to a choice between going alone or not
going at all, because you have more time or money to devote to travel than
your companions do, or because a spouse has died or a relationship ended,
or because your interests, desired destination or style of travel doesn't
appeal to others as much as it does to you. Whatever the reason, what is it
that we get from traveling alone that is different from traveling with others?

Efficiency

Most of us have limited time and money for travel, and going alone allows
us to focus precious resources on the things that are most important to us.
For example, a full service hotel is a must for some, while others prefer
to save money on accommodations in order to spend more on meals, or transportation,
or other priorities. It seems inevitable that when we vacation there are more
things we want to see and do than there is time to accomplish them. Compromise,
by definition, requires giving up some personal needs or desires to find common
ground with others.

Traveling solo doesn't solve the "too much to do, not enough time" problem,
but it does mean that everything you do is what you want, and you set the
priorities. Removing the distractions caused by companions, however pleasant
they may be, enables the solo traveler to maximize their time, money and enjoyment.
According to Bill Thayer of Chicago, Illinois, "when we travel with others,
our social side takes over; we talk to each other about various things. This
detracts from our concentration on what we're seeing" and, as Bill points
out, we can talk with these same friends "at considerably less expense and
trouble at home." Furthermore, when traveling solo our reactions to what we
see and do are ours alone, uncolored by the responses and opinions of others.

Freedom & Flexibility

Traveling alone means you get to make the schedule, set the pace, and change
everything whenever you want, for any reason at all (or for no reason at all).
You can be responsive to opportunities that arise more easily than you can
when there are other people to consider.

The first time she spent time alone while traveling, Dorothy K., a Slow
Traveler from Vermont, said "I spent quite a bit of time on my own and got
into the habit of taking long walks all over the city, savoring the air and
the sounds and the light in a way that is quite different from the experience
you have with a companion. I also got addicted to discovering the unknown
around the next corner and allowing myself to follow a ray of sun wherever
it led me."

There is also the pleasure of just being out of touch for a while. Most
of us live very connected lives; between cell phones, pagers, fax machines,
handheld e-mail devises and lightweight laptops, it's often nearly impossible
to just "get lost" for a while. A little bit of isolation can be a welcome
break.

Adventure

Some solo travelers say they are often more willing to try something new
when they are alone than when they are with people who know them. Some believe
it's less stressful to risk being wrong or making a fool of themselves when
no one they know is watching. Others feel so restricted by the expectations
or needs of friends and family that they find themselves avoiding the very
adventures that enticed them to travel in the first place ("what if I got
injured doing this - who would look after my children while I received help?").

Experienced solo travelers suggest:

Try on new roles for yourself, or live out fantasies, as a way to make
the most of your time alone. This can happen entirely in your head or you
can play it out like an actor researching a role or a writer developing
background for their next novel.

Do things you don't have ready access to at home or wouldn't normally
do even if it is available, especially if it is a specialty of the location
you are visiting (take a hot air balloon ride, walk somewhere you would
normally drive, go to an opera in Italy or a soccer game almost anywhere
in Europe, etc.).

Accomplishment Without Guilt

One of the greatest gifts of solo travel is the absence of guilt. No matter
what happens, you're not responsible for ruining anyone else's trip or wasting
their time or money. Your choices, good, bad or indifferent, impact only you.
Your successes are yours alone, your failures as well.

You discover strengths in yourself that you never knew you had. Inevitably,
at some point in your first solo journey, you face at least one of your fears
and work through it. The sense of accomplishment and self-confidence you gain
from that is invaluable.

Traveling alone is the ultimate self-indulgence; I do what I want to do,
when I want to do it, how I want to do it and for as long as I want to do
it. I can turn on the lights or the television in the middle of the night
and not worry about disturbing anyone else. I can eat in bed, skip a meal,
or keep going when others would quit - and I'm not infringing on anyone else
in the process.

Lessons Learned about Solo Travel

Attitude is what stops people, not logistics or practicalities. The
details can be planned for those who prefer planning, or they will fall into
place for those who prefer more spontaneity. There are high cost and low cost
alternatives. A trip can be as short as a weekend or as long as you want.
With rare exceptions, the particulars don't make or break the experience,
attitude does. Even when bad things happen, the way you deal with it can make
the difference between a mere hiccup and an entirely failed experience.

Even more important than attitude, however, is self-understanding.
When you are relying entirely on yourself, it is critical that you know what
you like and dislike, what you fear, and what you need to feel safe, fulfilled
and happy.

"My work demands a lot of highly concentrated interaction with other people",
the focus is on "meeting the needs of the other person and not using the interaction
to meet my own needs." By contrast, "doing things by myself where I have only
my own needs to meet is very relaxing." Gedlin, a Slow Traveler from Pennsylvania.

Common sense can carry you a long way in the world. Dorothy K quotes
an Arab proverb: "trust in God, but keep your camel tied." Particularly in
the area of personal security, trusting your gut is often your best defense.
Yes, try new things and have adventures, but keep in mind that when you travel
alone there's no one watching your back. Develop and honor your instincts
about people and situations.

Eating alone was the most frequently mentioned aspect of solo travel
in my conversations with fellow Slow Travelers. Several pointed out that it
can be more difficult to get good service in a restaurant when alone. Unless
you are an unusually hearty eater the server is virtually guaranteed a lower
bill, and commensurately lower tip, than a table for two or more. You can
try chatting with the waiter, engaging them in some way, but you may not win
them over.

Many also noted the discomfort of being stared at, but people aren't watching
you as much as you think they are. They're much more likely to be thinking
about themselves than you, since most of us are pretty self-absorbed. If they
are thinking about you, it's just as likely that they are envying your solo
status and self-confidence as feeling sorry for you because you are alone.

Some suggestions for beating the eating alone blues include:

Try ordering "to go" meals occasionally.

Sit at the bar where there are others eating alone.

Carry something to read or a journal to write in, something to focus
on other than your discomfort at being alone.

Ask to be seated at a common table, pick restaurants where everyone
sits at common tables.

Converse with the waiter; ask questions about the food, the neighborhood.
They live there and may be willing to share insights or hints.

Take "half board" at a hotel or pension and dine with other guests.

Ask to be seated at a booth if they are available. They offer more privacy,
room to spread out and the security of "walls" around you.

Look into room service if it is offered at your hotel; you may be surprised
to learn that it doesn't cost much more than dining at a restaurant.

Language skills, even very basic words and phrases, are more important
for the solo traveler precisely because they have no one else to fall back
on. Also, as a solo traveler you stand a better chance of learning a new language.
"You never learn a new language by speaking your own", says Bill Thayer. When
we travel with companions, we tend to speak our own language. Alone, we're
more apt to try the language of the place we are visiting, whether out of
necessity, or because we feel freer with no one we know to see/hear our mistakes.

Some suggestions:

Carry a dictionary and/or a phrase book with you at all times.

Ask someone how to say something, or pronounce something correctly,
in his or her language.

Make a list of key words and phrases on an easily accessed index card
(not as obvious to predators as pulling out your dictionary).

Remember that struggling to communicate can lead to some funny situations
and you can meet people who might not otherwise have interacted with you.

All those hours of playing Charades and Pictionary will come in handy
- gestures go a long way toward facilitating communication.

Solo travelers mentioned safety and security, both physical and emotional, as often as eating alone. The best advice is to look for the best in people
and situations but prepare for the worst.

Some suggestions:

Listen to your gut. If a situation doesn't feel right, get yourself
out of it.

Planning helps many people to feel in control and, therefore, to feel
safe. For example, especially at night, know the bus schedules and stops,
the address of the place (or places) you are going to and the location of
taxi stands before you set out.

Make copies (electronic and/or paper) of tickets, reservations, passport,
visas, credit/debit/ATM cards in more than one place. Keep an electronic
file that you can access from the Internet (e-mail it to yourself if necessary
and keep in your current mail folder).

To minimize the down time associated with lost or delayed luggage, write
down the brand, size, and color information about your luggage, and/or carry
a picture of your luggage that you can match up with the examples the airline
uses. Before you leave, make an itemized list of everything that is in your
luggage so it will be immediately apparent if anything is missing.

Make a list of key names, numbers and addresses on an index card or
other easily accessed medium to avoid digging around in public looking for
things, and being distracted when you need to be alert to your surroundings.

Bring commonly used over-the-counter (OTC) medications with you, as
well as band-aids. The last thing you want to be doing when you're not feeling
well is dragging yourself around a strange place looking for a pharmacy
and translating labels looking for a pain reliever, laxative, an anti-diarrheal,
etc. This is a time when you'll really miss a travel companion if you haven't
planned ahead.

Be doubly aware of your surroundings, check the window and door locks
in your room/apartment immediately upon checking in to ensure they are in
working order. Consider the layout of the hotel and ask for another room
if you feel uncomfortably far from the stairs/elevator or an emergency exit.
There is a lovely, major brand American hotel in Minneapolis that I refused
to stay in because the design of the building results in long hallways with
several turns. Many rooms are a long walk from an exit and I could not see
more than a few feet behind me or in front of me, and I didn't feel safe
walking "blind".

Particularly if you will be away for an extended period, consider renting
or buying a cell phone to stay connected. Also, for those on long journeys,
it's a good idea to have someone at home acting as your contact. Keep this
person apprised of where you are and how you can be contacted as well as
any changes in your itinerary so that if something happens your steps can
be traced back. If you truly want to get away from it all, have friends
and family check in with the contact person to keep tabs on you (but remember
to bring your contact person a really fabulous thank-you gift.)

Try not to get distracted - it makes you vulnerable. Be aware of your
surroundings at all times.

Don't drink too much. It's fun to let go of some inhibitions, that's
one of the reasons we drink, but it also makes you vulnerable when you are
alone.

Limit hiking to areas where there are other people around if help is
needed.

Prepare ahead to drive alone - get good maps, plot your route, pull
over and check as often as needed, rather than get hopelessly lost. Let
other drivers pass you if you need more time to read signs and orient yourself.

Minimize the stuff you bring, because you've to take it with you everywhere
you go (no one along to watch it while you run to the bathroom) and there's
only you to hoist it up the train steps or into the overhead luggage compartment.

Depending on the situation, consider quietly asking for directions rather
than pulling out a map.

Be aware of local social customs and expectations - eye contact is not
always a good or welcome thing. Smiles can sometimes be misinterpreted.

Organize your money ahead of time, know what you have and where you
put it. Leave flashy jewelry at home.

Many travelers report feeling more safe and secure in foreign locations
than their own home city - but that may be because they just don't know
enough to be afraid. Try to find a balance between fear and recklessness,
between too much knowledge and not enough.

Language (or lack thereof) is a safety issue - write down and memorize
key phrases, have them readily accessible.

Have an idea of how long it should take to get from your arrival point
(airport, train station, marina) to your accommodations to avoid getting
ripped off by unscrupulous taxi drivers.

Carry yourself with purpose and confidence - people tend to believe
what they see.

Don't share too much information with strangers. In a casual conversation,
there's no need to share last names, or phone numbers, your address or where
you are staying. If someone gets too inquisitive too fast, back off.

One of the best aspects of traveling solo is the opportunity to meet
people that you probably would not if traveling with companions. Some
thoughts on how to encourage this:

Walking tours are a good way to learn about a place and meet others
- the pace is more conducive to conversation.

Check the SlowTrav calendar and look for others who will be in the same
place at the same time, arrange a get-together.

Take a class - cooking, language, gardening, whatever interests you.

Look up and around you - don't have your nose buried in a book.

Wear or carry something that is unusual and may elicit comments from
others.

Help someone else out - you often get more than you give. If you see
someone who is lost, offer to share your map to help them get oriented.
Strike up a conversation with those in line around you and suggest sites
they may have missed or restaurants you particularly liked. Offer directions
or information on public transportation if you can, or help someone figure
out the ticket machine in the train station.

Ask for help - most people genuinely want to help each other if they
can. Ask specific questions that they are likely to be able to answer ("do
you know a good place near here for gelato", "where can I find inexpensive
clothing", "what site has impressed you the most in this city/country",
etc.)

Downsides, and how to overcome them

A few last thoughts about the most frequently mentioned issues that solo
travelers face.

Sharing the Experience: The desire to share a particular experience
with someone else (a meal, a view, etc.). "Keeping a journal and taking photographs
helps to share the details later." Colleen, SlowTrav moderator.

Cost: The cost and, sometimes, small size of single hotel rooms.
Research and negotiate, try other alternatives like convents, pensions, B&Bs.
For size issues, consider paying a little more for a "double room for single
use".

Loneliness: First, know that it will pass. "It helps to go out and
mingle, whether it be to a cafe, or a restaurant, or a park, or a grocery
store." Holly D., Slow Traveler from Reno, Nevada. If you are an animal lover,
keep treats in your pocket to make new acquaintances (Dorothy K). Research
ahead of time and know where there are bars or other businesses that cater
to your countrymen (Irish bars in NYC, for example, or an American-style diner
in Paris, God forbid).

Anxiety: Being responsible for everything with no relief in sight
can be tiring. Keep things as simple as possible: "I pack light, I don't create
a convoluted itinerary, and I don't over schedule my days." Colleen, ST moderator

Planning ahead overcomes a number of potential problems and safety issues,
and provides options to choose from.