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The accident happened. If I had been home; if I had spoken to him that day; if he hadn’t been fighting with the girlfriend; if he hadn’t been texting while driving. All of these ifs,but none of them really matter.

I’m angry that things keep happening to me. I feel as if have no control over anything……

My body betrays me – it yearns and aches and tightens. At night, my mind wanders where it wants and I awake covered in grief. Memories are inconsistent: there are times I vividly recall the past; other days, what I need to remember is locked behind a wall and I can’t reach it.

Often, my quicksilver emotions surprise me: the bittersweet sting of a happy memory pulls me into that sad place; or fear creeps in (dressed as something else), so it isn’t as easy to recognize….

I am learning to be more self-aware. I think of it as a “full body scan” or like taking a complete inventory. It doesn’t solve anything or make things better, but it does help me to understand what is happening.