As the country shuffles awkwardly towards the amusing spectacle of a general election, the chattering classes will begin their waltz. Where once it was debating chambers and town halls that provided the cut and thrust of political fencing, today the cosmic indignities of modern life have rendered face-to-face communication a thing of the past.

Earnest souls, keen to struggle over our collective being, congregate on forums across the electronic ether. It can be an intimidating environment. Enemies are easy to come by. Allies far harder. If the virtual world is to achieve any semblance of decorum, it will have to fashion some sort of murky best practice. Netiquette if you will.

As ever, balance is key. Stuffiness cramps our respective styles and induces orthodoxy. "Anything goes" threatens incoherent anarchy and prison-rules wrestling. Fortunately, Winthorpe, thanks to his impeccable sense of rhythm and astonishing croquet technique, is on hand to offer a few suggestions.

• Let us begin with a cardinal sin. Emoticons and the insertion of a virtual smile should be considered the calling card of the outright nincompoop. Inexcusable, without exception. Imagine dining out of an evening, looking to your left and catching the eye of this court jester :(

• Enthusiasm is acceptable up to a point. A very low point as it happens. You wouldn't speak with your mouth full, so there's really no need to post as if under the adverse effect of amphetamines. Winthorpe counsels no more than one post every two hours, ideally a good deal less.

• Know your turf. The ghastly necromancy of advertising is ever present. Should your online tastes match Winthorpe's, then there's an above average chance your words will appear next to gruesome adverts for hair replacement unguents or potions for erectile deficiencies. Beware this juxtaposition and learn where and when to make your point. Timing is everything – holding forth on Isaiah Berlin's magnificence at the local Londis would be a fruitless experience, much to the nationwide grocer's eternal shame.

• Think initially in musical terms and then try to manifest the prose equivalent. In the presence of intellectual heavyweights, one should try to give the impression of profundity and possessing a mind that can contemplate the infinite. Rendering Chopin's nocturne no 7 Op27 in C# minor would achieve this distinction. Of course, if you're a cheerful chappie who's more interested in perfecting his arm ball than hitting the books, you can easily feign these depths by asking ludicrously pointless questions – What is art? Who should I vote for? Where are my elbows? These sorts of inquiry will have even the most colossal of brains gasping in admiration.

• In contrast to this serious fare, when tomfoolery is necessary, aim to keep it as daft as possible. Any sort of idiot-jazz will do. In the event of conversation getting heated, Winthorpe likes to finish his posts with a passionate appeal to a virtual cricket umpire – How's that! Plum LBW! Stumped! If the victim of your online flipper refuses to walk, you may be facing the terrifying prospect of dealing with an Australian. Should this be your fate, you're on your own. God's speed.

• Always try to keep it snappy. Brevity is the mistress of style.

• Speaking of which, what of the dark art of trolling? The act of taking an outrageously contrary position for the simple purpose of courting attention is frequently cited as the lowest form of online endeavour. This is where Winthorpe takes leave of conventional wisdom. He rather approves of the practice. Kingsley Amis had it that "if you can't annoy someone, there's little point in writing". While one would never dream of advocating needlessly unpleasant bile, as long as the lark is carried off with enough panache and good humour it can be a laudable enterprise. It also has one distinct virtue – it encourages disagreement, which in turn demands debate, the lifeblood of an online forum. Threads that tail off in agreement are strangely listless affairs.

• Mutual appreciation is singularly unpleasant, much like dancing with a blood relation.