Drama, trauma, greed, and crisis at end of life present angst and opportunity. In fact, these are the elements of a Greek tragedy in which power, control, sibling rivalry, patriarchal privilege, and other thorny issues threaten to tear families apart. The inheritance battles escalate as the older adult loses mental capacity. Growing a thriving collaborative trusts & estates practice in service to these conflicted families is a way to make a profound and lasting impact at a critical time. Transforming regret, repression, and depression into full self-expression – especially when it is messy -- is cause for celebration. During this training, Estate Planning Lawyer and Mediator of Estate Battles John O’Grady equips you to begin to navigate the epic conflicts about death, taxes, and inheritance so those you serve can address the underlying conflicts, salvage important relationships, and welcome a measure of inner peace, love, and understanding.

“In most cases, the conflict is not about who inherits the dining room table. It’s about the issues under the table that are just now seeing the light of day.”

I will be on my colleague Gail Rubin's radio show A Good Goodbye October 30, at 4 Mountain, 6 Eastern. Listen in here. If you cannot listen in at that time, a recording will be available afterwards at the same link.

October 30 is the 14th annual Create a Great Funeral Day; the interview is in honor of that holiday. I registered the day well over a decade ago to remind people to consider the benefits of creating your own funeral or memorial service, regardless of age of state of health.

Why would you want to make those plans? Just a few reasons:

You relieve those you leave behind of many decisions during their time of grief.

You give the bereaved the emotional satisfaction of knowing they are carrying out your wishes.

You may open up new areas of discussion with your family.

You are able to create an event that truly reflects your life.

Reviewing your life for the purpose of creating the service allows you to evaluate how you want to use your future.

And this gentle reminder of your mortality has an effect on your decisions about today.

For some previous blog posts about creating your own funeral, click here. For more about my book on the topic, go here.

The insanity crept up on us slowly; we just wanted what was best for our kids. We bought macrobiotic cupcakes and hypoallergenic socks, hired tutors to correct a 5-year-old's "pencil-holding deficiency," hooked up broadband connections in the treehouse but took down the swing set after the second skinned knee. We hovered over every school, playground and practice field — "helicopter parents," teachers christened us ... ."

But the hovering behavior does not only go down the family tree, it also flies up into the parent branches. Adult children are overprotecting their aging parents. I suppose we can call a person doing this up-the-tree overprotecting a "helicopter child."

The motivations for hovering over and around one's parent are many. Just four are mentioned in "Overprotective children do more harm than good" (Gainesville Sun): old-age myths, the widowed parent, reparenting your parents, and emotional baggage. A bit of elaboration on these four reasons adult children overprotect . . .

One of our culture's old-age myths is that cognitive decline is inevitable. Children who believe this may infantilize their parents, not accurately assessing their parents' abilities and capacity for autonomy.

When one parent dies, adult children may move in "too fast" in an effort to be supportive.

Popular wisdom tells us that roles are reversed as parents age so that we as adult children become the parents. This reversal is not really accurate because the dynamics are different. Nevertheless, this misconception can lead children to attempt to parent their parents.

Conflicts that developed in the past may influence how the child treats the aging parent, so that the child's behavior does not fit the situation or the needs of the parent.

Of course, there are many other reasons a child may hover. A few that come to mind right now: need to be needed, guilt, tendency to martyrdom, or lack of ability to listen to or read the parent.

The balance between autonomy and support is a delicate one in any relationship. In the case of aging parents, that balance can be particularly challenging. And there are ways to frame the challenge that can make it easier.

Pattie Porter continues to offer valuable interviews related to conflict resolution. In April, she will be offering four related to conflict in families and between generations. Information below. (In February, I was pleased to be a guest on her program; links to listen to that program titled "Brains on Purpose: Traits and States to Shape Your Conflict Fate" are here.)

We hope that we, and our family and loved ones will come together in the kindest ways when someone we care about is dying. We hope the shared experience of loss will bring out the best in us. But grief and loss brings all kinds of feelings to the surface.

People, as individuals and as members of families, do not handle wealth in ways monolithic. In this blog post, Matthew Wesley describes three types of wealth behaviors and attitudes: The Silver Dagger, The Silver Spoon, and The Silver Ladder. I was happy that he wrote

In recounting this typology, it is important to remember that life is never as simple as a typology would have you believe. There most often are elements of all types in every particular situation. That said, a typology can be a useful tool to simplify complexity.

If you work with moneyed clients, I recommend this post. And remember Matt's caveat.

Over coffee a while back, my friend and colleague Andrea Gross described to me an idea. I thought it filled a real gap in successful aging, and could be very valuable to those of us who are growing older (who isn't?) and to our children. Because I was so impressed with her concept and its potential benefits, I asked her to write a guest post describing her idea to you. She agreed! Here it is. Thank you, Andy.

How Do I Want to Live When I’m 91? Why We All Need an Aging Care Directive

Please don’t get me wrong. I intend to live to a ripe old age. But just in case I die young, I’m prepared—maybe not emotionally, but practically.

I have a health care directive that tells what kind of medical care I want if I can no longer speak for myself. I’ve signed a durable power of attorney that names a person to handle my financial affairs if I am unable to do so. And of course I have a will that details how I want my estate to be divided.

But what if I don’t die? What if I wither gradually, remaining mentally competent but a bit slower on the uptake, physically able but wobbly on my feet? In that case, I need a fourth document, an Aging Care Directive that tells how I would like to live, what kind of assistance I’m most willing to accept.

How long should I continue to drive? Do I prefer to remain in my own home, move in with a relative, or

What is my clients’ deepest non-tax concern about passing on the wealth?

Do I understand the strategic considerations of my client?

Can I clearly and simply articulate my client's motivations and purposes?

Do the estate documents I am drafting clearly reflect and explicitly address the deep concerns, strategic considerations, and motivations of my client?

Has my client considered the impact of the inheritance on the lives of the beneficiaries and are the documents structured to address that impact?

How do the documents enhance and support the use of financial capital in the development of the human, social and cultural resources of the family?

How will the administration of the estate serve to enhance, or at the very least not damage, family cohesion?

What has been done to bring the heirs into the planning process and allow them to have some say in the events that will deeply affect their lives? (As Margaret Wheatley famously said "Decisions that are about me that don't include me are not "for" me.")

Are the stewards of the assets well suited to the task and how does the trust structure empower rather than enable the beneficiaries? If they heirs are to receive the assets directly have they been prepared emotionally, intellectually and practically to adapt to that event?

Finally, as a practitioner, as I turn off the lights of my office and head home, can I do so with the sense that I have done what I could to make the world slightly better place for the people I serve.

[The documentary] features disturbing, first-hand accounts from real-life victims, including Hollywood icon Mickey Rooney, as well as in-depth interviews with experts who discuss such key issues as victim profiles, the perpetrators’ modus operandi, reasons for vulnerability, as well as potential solutions to this ever-increasing worldwide problem.

Our film is available to (and is already being utilized by) all scholastic, municipal, non-profit, or other organizations or entities who wish to conduct conferences or forums or classes to educate senior citizens as well as baby boomers so they don't become victims in the first place! The Manhattan DA has it, Penn State Law School has it, Holy Cross College has it --- Please pass the word ..... and hopefully more will take advantage of this important resource.

As a filmmaker, I find that every day on set is a day of learning. I could never have imagined, however, the huge learning curve that would come with shooting the new documentary about the financial exploitation of the elderly, Last Will and Embezzlement.

The film grew out of the financial abuse of the parents of my business partner, Pamela Glasner. I had watched as Pamela helplessly fought for justice and failed to achieve it. The failing was most certainly not Pamela’s.

She suggested we make a documentary about the issue, and I readily agreed. And so, our unexpected and very emotional journey began.

What I learned as we progressed was that Pamela was far from alone. In fact, it seemed that everywhere we looked, people were raising their hand and saying, “It happened to me too.”

Many of my friends and colleagues are wise counselors and decision coaches who help their clients to look at estate planning with a broad perspective, encompassing values, legacy, and other client-centered, extra-legal factors. Nowadays when I see a description of a CLE on estate planning that does not include these factors, I am surprised and a bit dismayed.

Fortunately for their clients, more and more practitioners are focusing on this bigger picture of wills, trusts, and estates. For those who want to learn more about the comprehensive planning, there is an organization about which I have blogged before (e.g., here, here, and here): Purposeful Planning Institute.

PPI has two workshops coming up in Maryland next month. The announcement:

The Primer on Purposeful Trusts workshop will be a four hour interactive and intensive workshop designed for 10 to 16 professionals who assist clients in the design, drafting or administration of trusts. We will cover the Seven Keys of Purposeful Trusts and allow all participants to gain hands-on experience through the visioning exercises and stories which bring the power of these keys to our clients.