Dibidi Ix

The makeshift racks and stands had everything from Victor Wood karaoke compilations, wrestling pay-per-views and movie “sequels.” The real “treasures,” though, are to be found at the back of the racks.

Just behind the Jason Statham compilations and the “50-in-one” Chinese kung fu movies were the merchandise that kept the enterprise going. Some other vendors would brazenly and bravely display the DVDs for all to see. The nondescript table became a Disneyland – more like mall-wide sale – for anything and everything pornographic. This was all part of “Dibidi Ix.”

I guess it’s part of his sales tactic to assume that every passerby is a pervert, so it’s a simple matter of approaching people and appealing to everyone’s inner sex maniac. The DVD collection he was holding had just about every type of porn a typical onanist would be interested in: lingerie slideshows, tentacle sex, cheerleader meets football team, Catholic schoolgirl bondage, Western cowgirl epic, simulated incest serials, barely legal, sex scandals, and I can make out a pony somewhere in that catalog of porno-copia he was trying to sell to me.

“Pang-jackol, sir!” His sales pitch was starting to get interesting, if not pathetic. Porn may be degrading to women, but there’s also something degrading – if not humiliating – about turning to erotic or pornographic videos just to release pent-up sexual tension. He produced another set of videos: hidden camera videos, local porn, interracial, and covers of DVDs showing farmgirls, silicone-enhanced bikini models, French maids. He was getting predictable, and yes, his next sales pitch involved gay videos.

“Sir, boss, sir, dibidi ix? Dibidi ix?”

Porn may be degrading and demeaning, but all cats are the same in the dark in more ways than one. Nothing’s ever new in porno anymore, and the novelty of watching sex acts in rewind and fast-forward at multiple speeds (including slow motion) grows stale. No, wait: sucks and blows. Even if the cover of one of those lesbian hentai tapes he was hawking had the title, “Dora the Explorer.” I’m not sure how that blends well with remastered “Taboo” editions featuring Kay Parker, and those blasted Hayden Kho-Katrina Halili sex videos.