Main menu

‘The List’

Mushrooms
Taste horrible, look horrible, feel horrible in your mouth. This is a type of fungi, why would you put this in your mouth?

Gherkins
A cucumber that’s been in an accident. No idea what they taste like but the smell is definitely enough to get it onto ‘The List’.

Spiders
Probably the scariest things to exist. Nobody needs that many legs – and stop eating flies; flies never did anything to you! I wish flies ate spiders.

Daddy Long-legs
As above, but with wings. They don’t eat flies, but they always fly near your face because they know it freaks you out.

People with better hair than me
Don’t take that hair for granted. I’m probably going to shave it off when you’re asleep. Sweet dreams!

Traffic Jams
Time in your life that you will never get back. Knowing that you’re going to be late even though you set out in plenty of time. Thinking of alternate routes – that you could have taken if you weren’t sitting in a traffic jam!

TechnologyIt moves on and doesn’t wait for me! I’m starting to understand why ‘old people’ struggle with technology – and for making me feel old, all technology makes it onto the list!

‘Buckley’The surname of whoever signed for, kept, and tried to fraudulently use, my new iPhone, which was delivered to the wrong address by, what I can only assume was, the worst delivery driver in the world.

FrancoThe worst delivery driver in the world.

The Scrap iron man
Probably on the dole. Drives up the street every morning, dinnertime, afternoon and teatime, blowing some sort of trumpet and screaming at the top of his lungs:“ANY OLD SCRAP IRRRRROOOOON!?”Don’t give this man your fridge.