Jesse Eisenberg’s “Marv Albert Is My Therapist”

ME: Everything seemed to be going pretty well. I took her back to my apartment— MARV ALBERT: Off to a great start! ME: We were on the bed— MARV ALBERT: Great hands! ME: Thanks, Dr. Albert, but she suddenly got, like, freaked out and made some weird excuse— MARV ALBERT: An explosion of emotions! ME: Yeah! MARV ALBERT: Pandemonium! ME: Right. For no reason.MARV ALBERT: No choice but to foul! ME: What? MARV ALBERT: You’ve got to foul! ME: What are you suggesting? MARV ALBERT: With the game on the line, you have to foul! ME: I would never hurt her. MARV ALBERT: Then that’s the ballgame!