This Blog is Dedicated to the Investigation, Transformation and Correction of the Human Constitution as the Entity of Separation that it has become - to Shape, Manifest and Establish a Physical World and Reality that Ensures a Dignified Life for All Living Things from Birth till Death

zondag 30 november 2014

2014 From Jealousy to Self-Expression -- Part 2

How I Faced and Stopped the Jealousy Demon within Myself - See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/09/2014-from-jealousy-to-self-expression.html#sthash.IGTxqhLj.dpufHow i

How I Faced and Stopped the Jealousy Demon within Myself - See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/09/2014-from-jealousy-to-self-expression.html#sthash.IGTxqhLj.dpuf

In the
previous blog "2014 From Jealousy to Self-Expression", I opened up
and investigated the emotional experience and reaction of jealousy, as I came
to the realization that jealousy is an experience that I do often entertain in
my mind, but at the same time it is an experience that I had been hiding from
myself, because of how I have judged Jealousy as being something 'bad' and
'negative' and because I never wanted to face such 'negative'/'bad' sides of
myself. Obviously though, I did have to come to terms with the fact that as
long as I am judging things that exist within myself, and based on that
judgment, go and hide those things from myself - then essentially I will be
living a lie and so I will be accepting a limited version of myself, because in
order to change, expand and develop myself as a being, I have to face all of
myself, not only the parts that I have defined as 'good' and 'positive'.

If
anything, since having started this process of investigating and changing the
emotional experience of jealousy, I have been very grateful to myself for
having applied the self-honesty required to be able to see how my own mind
works and so be able to pick up on and become aware of when it is that I step
into the experience of jealousy and actually stop myself from getting carried
away by it and so change myself in those real-time moments.

Afterhaving written the first blog within this
process of Changing the emotional experience of Jealousy, and so within that
blog having established a platform for myself of first of all understanding how
and why it is that I will sometimes react with jealousy when I see another
woman - there was a real-time event that opened up in my reality where I had to
'prove' my understanding and awareness of how jealousy works and my commitment
to change Jealousy within and as myself to myself in one moment. These
real-time moments is where I essentially make the decision of 'who I will be'
and 'who I am', because when and as the experience of for instance jealousy
comes up within myself and I am becoming aware of it coming up within myself, I
have two choices that I can make -- I can either let myself be 'swept away' by
the experience, as per how I have conditioned myself each time the experience
came up within me in the past, and so accept and allow myself to 'become jealous'
- or I can apply my awareness of Jealousy being a mind-construct and in that
moment apply the Tools to be able to release the mind-construct and so make the
decision that I will not allow the mind to define who I am and how I will
experience myself in that moment.

So, the
moment went as follows. I was out with a few friends and sitting next to me in
the car was X. X had just met up with her boyfriend and she was still busy
sending messages to him on her phone. As I was looking at her being preoccupied
by her phone and smiling and giggling at the conversation that she was having
with him on the phone, I specifically noticed how her expression showed that
she was enjoying herself and also earlier that evening when I was seeing her
interacting with her him, she looked like she was enjoying spending time with
him. So in that moment in the car, there was a thought that came up within
myself of 'I don't have that', wherein I basically created the idea in my mind
that I don't have or experience that enjoyment that I am seeing within her in
my own life, to which I within myself reacted with an experience of feeling
inferior and feeling like my life is 'worth less' than her life - and so
essentially I was then feeling jealous of what I saw within her and what I
believed she has and I don't, because I wanted what she apparently has.

Eventually
I started feeling this experience of anger coming up within myself in relation
to her - where, she was doing small movements, like, flashing the light on her
phone around or not hearing someone when they asked her a question, and that
triggered anger within myself - specifically in relation to a backchat in my
mind that 'she is too preoccupied by her feelings in relation to her boyfriend
and the conversation that she is having with him to notice or care about what
is going on around her'. So here, I saw and realized that there is something
going on inside of myself that needs direction - because here I am getting
angry and upset over literally the smallest, insignificant thingsand I am channelling my anger towards this
other person - which implies that there is something inside of myself that I am
actually being angry about - something that I am not directing inside of
myself.

So then I
started applying self forgiveness - first on the anger that I was experiencing
towards X and then on the jealousy that I had been experiencing, which was in
fact where the anger was actually coming from.

And as I
furthered in my self-forgiveness I saw and realized that what I had actually
been doing was that, when I was looking at her and how she was expressing
herself in relation to her partner and her relationship, I had been
deliberately creating the idea in my mind that her life is so much better than
my life --- which, if I actually had a self honest look at my own life, is not
the case at all. I mean I am in a stable relationship, I have a partner that I
am satisfied with. But somehow I had been looking at her and how she was living
and expressing herself as if there is something special about it and as if her
life is this movie screen that is resonating light - and in comparison my own
life looked rather bleak.

So what I
realized was that, with being honest with myself, actually the reason why I had
been doing that in my mind is that I was deliberately distracting my attention
away from my own life because the reality is that I will much rather preoccupy
myself with reacting emotionally to other people, with for instance feeling
jealous about how I am seeing someone else live their life, than take
responsibility for my own life and actually direct my own life and take my life
into my own hands to give to myself what it is that I actually want in my own
relationship for instance. I mean, the truth is that I don't really 'feel like'
paying attention to myself and my life and putting in the effort to give myself
the things that I need and want - so within my thoughts, feelings and emotional
experiences,I will create the illusion
in my mind that other people's lives are much more interesting and just better
and superior, so that I can then react with emotional experiences of for
instance jealousy and inferiority and thus take my attention away from myself
and my life and so give myself an excuse to not have to actually take
responsibility for myself and for creating and developing and building the life
that I want for myself.

So here
what I realized when looking at this experience of jealousy, and specifically
looking at what I am actually doing when accessing that experience of jealousy
- is that I am deliberately creating a PERCEPTION in my mind that another's
life is more/better/superior than my life, just so that I could emotionally
react to that perception and so that, within and as that emotional reaction, I
can in a way 'forget' about and look away from my own life, specifically by
focusing my attention onto how another person is living their life.

And this
because, what this reaction and experience of jealousy in relation to and
towards another person's life is actually hiding, is a fear of failing in
relation to my own life. I fear taking specific steps and I fear taking
direction and making specific decisions and moving myself within my own life
because I fear failing and failure and I fear the future- which is why I would
then rather try to distract myself from looking at myself within and as own
life, through using thoughts of judgments, ideas, perceptions and comparison
and emotional reactions and experiences of jealousy - so that I could in a way
abdicate my responsibility and avoid taking responsibility for my life and thus
avoid facing my fears of failure and of the future.

So I was
applying self-forgiveness until I no longer experienced the anger, resentment
or jealousy towards this other person and until I was stable within myself --
which I established through realizing and facing this point of what I was
actually doing within myself - which was deliberately shifting my attention
away from myself and my own life onto thoughts and perceptions about someone
else's life so that I could avoid, 'run away from' and suppress the fears that
I experience within myself in relation to my life.

At this
point I realized that it is simply unacceptable for me to not just be honest
with myself and to so deliberately try to abdicate my responsibility for myself
and my life. And, in the face of this truth of myself, it would be unacceptable
for me to turn my back on reality to continue participating in the illusion of
Jealousy - illusion, from the perspective that the emotional experience of
jealousy turned out to have nothing to do with this other person's life being
apparently 'better', 'more' or 'superior' than my life, as it was just me
looking for an excuse to not have to deal with my own fears. And so this was
the point, where I understood that further allowing myself to participate in
jealousy would be unacceptable -from the perspective that I would damage my
integrity and decency as a being - that I was able to stabilize myself and
release the emotional energy of jealousy and the anger and resentment that I
had been generating with it.

In the
next blog in this series from Jealousy to Self-expression, I will be having a
look at the point of 'self-enjoyment' as the expression in the event in my
first blog and in this event that seems to be the activating point for my
reaction of jealousy - which thus implies that that is the specific expression
that I am not giving to myself and so is at the starting point of why I would
react with jealousy when I am seeing other women expressing self-enjoyment.

The
following is a slightly elaborated version of the self-forgiveness that I
applied in that moment and that assisted me in releasing the emotional reaction
of jealousy:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to feel angry at X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to define myself within and as this reaction of anger to and towards X
without investigating or understanding where this anger is coming from and how
I have generated this anger within myself

I forgive myselfthat I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and
understand that I am reacting to X with anger because I am actually feeling
powerless and inferior and fearful within myself in relation to X and what I am
seeing when I am observing her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to look at X's life and her expression and react with a thought in my
mind that her life is so much more and so much better than my life

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to then react to the thought that X's life and her expression is so much
more and better than my life and expression with an emotional experience of
inferiority, fear and powerlessness, because of now having defined myself in my
mind as 'less than' X and so believing myself to be of inferior value, and
therein then triggering a fear within myself of being less valuable than others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to believe my life to be less valuable and inferior to X's life

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to project that belief onto X when I am looking at her and observing her
expression and then separate myself from that belief in my mind by reacting to
my projection of that belief onto X with an emotional experience of fear of
being less than others, and so within and as that experience of fearcreate the experience that I am in fact
inferior and less than X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a
fear of being less than others to exist within myself

And I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and
allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I create what I accept and
allow to exist within myself - and that thus if I define myself within and as a
fear of being less than others, than I in fact create the experience that I am
less than others within myself because that is what exists within and as myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed
myself to see that I am feeling angry towards X because I am reacting to my own
self-accepted belief that my life and expression is less valuable than hers

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to not see, realize and understand that within being angry with X and
observing her expression and her life within and as a reaction within myself -
I am actually distracting myself from my own life and giving my value away to
X's life and so therein creating the experience within myself that I am less
than X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to not be honest with myself and actually take my own life in my hands
because it is just easier to distract myself with looking at how others lead
their lives and preoccupy myself in my mind within emotional reactions -
wherein I can then give away my responsibility and my power in relation to my
own life and so not have to face my own fears in relation to the future and in
relation to failing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to look at X's life and react emotionally to what I am seeing so as to
distract myself from my own fears - and create a point of blame, wherein I am
blaming X for the emotional experience of inferiority within myself -- so that
I wouldn't have to take responsibility for the fact that this experience of
inferiority is in fact my fears in relation to the future and in relation to
failing in my own life

So I forgive myself that I have not accepted and
allowed myself to take responsibility for my own life by victimizing myself in
relation to my own internal fears - through looking at and observing person X's
life and giving my power away to emotional reactions to thoughts and ideas and
projections in my mind in relation to how person X's life compares to my life
--- instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that I am actually
experiencing resistance and fear in relation to my own fears that I have not
yet dealt with, and that me looking at person X's life and creating ideas,
perceptions and beliefs about who they are and how they live their life and
then reacting emotionally to that, is in fact me deliberately distracting
myself from my own fears and so me not taking responsibility for myself within
and as my own life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to deliberately create the idea and perception in my mind that X's life
is better than my life and that who she is and how she lives and expresses
herself is better than who I am and how I express myself - so that I can have a
point within my mind to give my power away to, by then reacting emotionally to
those ideas in my mind, and so that I would not be faced with my life and my
responsibility to manifest and direct my life in relation to what is best for
myself and so create myself according to who it is that I want to be and what
it is that I want to live

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed
myself to be honest with myself and see, realize and understand that I am
actually afraid of creating my own life and taking my life in my own hands
because I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a
fear of failing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to define myself within and as a fear of failing within and as my mind

And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and
allowed the fear of failing to direct me in relation to my life and myself - by
accepting and allowing my awareness and attention to be guided and directed
away from in every moment seeing and directing my own life, towards looking at
and observing how other people live their lives and express themselves --
instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that as long as I do not fact my
fear of failing and as long as I do not walk through the fear and actually take
my life into my own hands, within and as the realization that my life is in
fact in my own hands --- then I am actually manifesting 'failure' within and as
my life, as I am not actually in every moment directing myself towards making
my life a success

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to define myself within and as an emotional reaction and experience
within myself of anger towards and directed to X in relation to her expression
- where, I believe that I am feeling angry because of how she is behaving,
because 'she isn't paying attention to the people around her, as she is too
busy fiddling with her phone' --- instead of being honest with myself and with
what is really going on in my mind as to the real actual origin and starting
point of this reaction of anger, and see, realize and understand that within
this experience of anger, I am diminishing X within my mind, because within and
as the emotional reaction of jealousy I was placing X on a pedestal and making
her superior within my mind

So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to even consider participating within this emotional experience of anger
towards X instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the anger is a
consequence of not having dealt with and released the emotional reaction and
experience of jealousy, wherein I had accepted and allowed myself to give away
my power to the thoughts in my mind that X is better than me and her life is
better than mine - and where now with getting angry I am attempting to get that
power back by diminishing X within and as thoughts and backchat in relation to
her expression

So I forgive myself that I haven't been honest with
myself in relation to how I gave my power within my mind by reacting
emotionally to thoughts in my mind wherein I was placing X on a pedestal by
believing that she and her life is better than me and my life - and that I have
accepted and allowed myself to go and react with an experience of anger, and
actually take it out and blame it on X, within and as the belief and thought in
my mindthat I am reacting with anger
because of who X is and how she is behaving - instead of being honest with
myself and taking responsibility for this experience of anger within myself
within and as the realization, insight and understanding that I have accepted
and allowed myself to create the experience and backchat of anger, by giving my
power away within and as the experience and backchat of jealousy

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see the experience of jealousy coming
up within myself towards X or any other person that I am looking at and
observing in my environment, connected with internal backchat that 'they are so
much better than me in their expression and in the way that they live their
life' - then I stop and I breathe - and I see, realize, understand and make
myself aware of how I am, within my 'looking at' and 'observing' this person
and their expression, I am in fact busy creating ideas and perceptions and interpretations
in my own mind which means that I am deliberately creating a platform to react
emotionally

I see, realize and understand that, within applying
and participating within this 'looking at' and 'observing' this other person or
other people and creating ideas, perceptions and beliefs in my mind about 'who
they are', I am giving away my 'energy' and 'attention' and so I am creating
the experience within myself that I am 'less' than this person that I am
looking at and observing --- and so basically within that I am creating the
emotional reaction of jealousy, wherein I 'want what they have' and I want to
be what they are and live what I perceive and believe they are living, as I
have created the perception and experience that their life and their expression
is 'better', 'more' and 'superior' to mine

I see, realize and understand that thus I am
experiencing the emotional experience of jealousy not because the people that I
am watching, looking at and observing are really truly 'more' or 'better' or
'superior' to myself - but actually because I want to react emotionally to what
I am seeing with my eyes, just so that I could divert my attention away
fromthe fears that I am dealing within
within myself in relation to my own life and my reality

So, within this, I see, realize and understand that I
am entirely responsible for having created the emotional experience within
myself of jealousy - as I see, realize and understand that it is not about
another person being or having 'more' than myself, it is in fact about me
deliberately giving my power away through creating ideas and perceptions and
beliefs about the people that I see with my eyes because I don't want to look
at myself and my own life and I don't want to take responsibility for developing
and building and nurturing my own life and expression, as I have accepted and
allowed myself to fear my own fear of failure in relation my the future and in
relation to how I direct and live my life

So here, I commit myself to, instead of creating
distractions in my mind within and as thoughts and emotional reactions in
relation to other people that I see around me in my environment just so that I
wouldn't have to face and experience my internal fears in relation to myself
and my life - be courageous and honest with myself and bring my attention and
awareness back to myself, every time that I catch myself experiencing jealousy
in relation to people that I am observing and looking at in my outside world,
by immediately realizing, seeing and understanding that this experience of
jealousy, wherein I am channelling and projecting all of my focus and all of
myself outward into this image/picture of another person that I am seeing with
my eyes, is based on a fear inside of myself that I am trying to run away from

So, I commit myself to face my personal fears of
failure and fear of the future in relation to my own life - and to stand up
within and as myself as the self-directive principle of myself and my world and
reality -- because I see, realize and understand that the fear of failure and
fear of the future in fact only comes up within myself if and when I accept and
allow myself to give my power away and if and when I do not in every moment of
breath stand as the directive principle of and as myself

Thus, I do not accept and allow myself to give my
power away to this polarity experience of jealousy, as the experience of
'wanting what others have', and fear of failing in my life -- but to rather
remain stable within and as my breath and my moment-to-moment existing within
and as the physical body, wherein I stand and exist within and as control and
power

And within this, when and as I see an experience of
anger coming up within myself, wherein I am in my mind having backchat in
relation to X or any other person in relation to specific expressions that I
see within them, like 'X not paying attention to her environment cause she is
fiddling with her phone' - then I stop and breathe, and I see, realize and
understand that I am in that moment deliberately diminishing this person's
expression within my mind, because somewhere within myself I have accepted and
allowed myself to give my power away within and as specific thoughts and
backchat wherein I had in fact diminished and inferiorized myself, and so this
experience of anger is in fact me within my mind trying to take back that power

Herein I see, realize and understand that the only
real way wherein I can get my power back, is not by trying to diminish others
in my mind and give myself a specific energetic experience of 'superiority',
'power' and 'control', but by in the first place taking responsibility for the
specific thoughts, backchats and emotional reactions and experiences in my mind
that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in and give my power
away to, wherein I am for instance placing other people on a pedestal and
defining them as superior to myself through the perceptions, ideas and beliefs
that I create in my mind when I am looking at and observing them

Thus, I commit myself to not accept or allow myself
to give my power away to the mind-construct of jealousy as the 'looking at' and
observing another person and reacting with thoughts and backchat about her
expression wherein I create the illusion that her expression is in some way
'more' than my expression - to create and develop an awareness within myself in
relation to when I step into this 'looking at' and 'observing', to always make
sure that I do not channel my awareness and focus into what my eyes are seeing,
but that I always remain Here, within and as my own physical body and the
awareness of my breathing