A Caveman In A Spaceship.

All the hopes and dreams and innermost feelings that I, Dave Hill, can muster.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

An Unfortunate Beverage Decision

I’ve just returned from a long walk in my scenic Brooklyn neighborhood. It is hot as balls outside. In an effort to avoid passing out on the sidewalk, I stopped off for some ice cream and a bottle of water. I was going to get some sparkling water of some sort but then I saw a bottle of this stuff called Metromint, which- as the name suggests- is basically water with mint flavoring. It sounded kind disgusting at first but then I decided to keep an open mind about things and also reminded myself how sometimes I like drinking water right after brushing my teeth because the water has kind of a nice minty flavor. I decided to buy a bottle of it along with a pint of coffee ice cream.

As it turns out, there are several problems with the Metromint water. Dammit. For starters, it cost $2.50. Unless it’s going to give you superpowers or a handjob or something, this is way too much to be paying for a bottle of water. I felt like kind of a douchebag actually paying for it but I was too lazy to carry it all the way back to the cooler.

Once I got outside, I decided to give the Metromint water a shot. It pretty much tastes how water tastes when you drink it while chewing gum. This made me instantly think about how I could have had the same water drinking experience by just buying a regular bottle of water and 25¢ pack of gum, which would have been quite a savings over the $2.50 bottle of crappy mint water I held in my hand. Making matters worse, since I wasn’t actually chewing gum while drinking this particular bottle of water, it seemed more like someone else had dropped their piece of gum into my bottle of water. I had to keep reminding myself that this was not the case as I drank my overpriced bottle of Metromint. I guess the thing to do would have been to just stop drinking the bottle of Metromint altogether, but since I had already paid $2.50 for it I figured I had no choice but to suck it down (I am a cheap bastard). Plus, the label on the bottle said something about mint having healing powers so I figured it couldn’t be all bad.

Once I got home, I checked out the Metromint website to do a little more research on the product. Based on all the pictures of dudes hanging out with hot chicks while drinking bottles of Metromint that they had on the website, the Metromint water is pretty much guaranteed to get you laid, which is great. I will let you know what happens. So far, so not good.

Rocket From The Tombs And Other Stuff

Last night I headed over to Southpaw in scenic Park Slope to see Rocket From The Tombs (Rocket From The Crypt got their name from them, in case you were wondering), the legendary new wave/punk-type rock band from the same town I am from, Cleveland. They rocked balls.

I have been a big fan of singer David Thomas, who went on to form Pere Ubu after RFTT split up, for a long time. He’s a super-talented and- as best as I can tell- super intense dude. A few years ago, one of my rock bands, Uptown Sinclair, opened up for one of David’s projects, David Thomas and Two Pale Boys, at the Beachland Ballroom in Cleveland. David was kind of a dick to pretty much everyone in the building (to be fair though, the crowd hadn’t shown up yet, so I’m only talking about like seven people really) before the show, but when he went on later that night he was so awesome I didn’t mind his earlier dicky behavior at all; which is not to say being an awesome artist gets you off the hook for being a dick- it’s just that he was so great he could have walked off the stage and kicked me in the nuts and I wouldn’t have minded too much just as long as he kept singing while he was doing it. Anyway, here’s to art. Or something like that anyway.Yesterday during the day I was busy with my various plots for world domination but I did find time to do a little laundry while I was at it. In between cycles I wandered over to the park in my neighborhood, where I happened upon the dead bird in the photo above. I’m not sure whether he got sick and keeled over, got run over by a car, or maybe just lost his will to live somewhere along the line. I like how- even in death- he looks like he’s flying though. You can’t keep a good bird down I guess. Not even one whose head is starting to rot. Speaking of dead birds though, sometimes I wonder why we don’t see more of them lying around. Where do they all go? This is one of the many things that keep me up at night.Also at the park, I happened upon these two pairs of shoes on a park bench. I looked around for their owners but they were nowhere in sight. The woman’s shoes are Nine West, a reputable and affordable brand it is my understanding. Normally I would think two pairs of shoes sitting alone on a park bench was a sign of something gone wrong. But in this case they feel more like a sign of something gone right. Really right. I’m not saying the couple who left the shoes behind ran off for some hardcore boning or anything, but maybe it was fun walking home barefoot. It usually is (unless someone has stolen your shoes or something, which has never happened to me but I could see how that might suck, especially if you had just bought a sweet pair of Air Jordans or something). Then again, maybe the couple woke up the next day and were all like “What the fuck? What happened to our shoes? And you're not Danny!” Then maybe they went and got breakfast, eggs maybe.

The Dave Hill Explosion: Thurs. Aug. 3 At The UCB Theatre. Please Come Or I Will Stab You.

Attention People Of New York City:

Hello. This is your man Dave Hill writing to let you know that on Thursday, August 3 at 9:30pm, I will be returning from my self-imposed exile to once again bring you another exciting installent of the motherf%#king Dave Hill Explosion, which will take place at the popular Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre over there on West 26th Street. As pretty much everyone in North America has noticed, there has been no Explosion in the month of July. This is because- in an effort to reach a higher state of being and stuff like that - I have been living in seclusion in the woods just north of the 79th St. Boat Basin for the past couple weeks and surviving on nothing but wild berries, cicadas, and a handful of Zagnut bars I bought on the subway. By day I have been communing with small woodland creatures and a fun-loving Springer Spaniel who answers to both Ricky and Mr. Ruff Ruff The King Of Full-Time Fun Who For Whatever Reason Will Not Stay Away From My Self-Tanner. By night I have pretty much been working on my abs, writing silly little love songs, and building up my tolerance to handmade poisonous darts. Anyway, my point is that I am a better man today than I was even on Wednesday and I am going to take everything I have learned out in those woods and put it right back into bringing you at least five bucks worth of entertainment. My guest on August 3 will be Haley Joel Osment. Just kidding. But when the time is right, I will let both you and myself know who the exciting guests will be too. Brace yourself. I hope you can make it. Talk about good times- this is an example of that. Oh yeah, here watch this video.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Let Me Break It Down For You

This morning I woke up early and went to the grocery and totally bought the fuck out of a few things. The original plan was to just get some milk and then the next thing I know I’m buying banans and celery and bread and peanut butter and jelly and also the above product, Sunbelt Fruit & Nut Granola Cereal. It was only $2.19 a box (cheap for granola cereal and just cereal in general, especially here in the big city, where they charge the fuck out of people for everyday food items and other stuff besides that too). I figured since it was so cheap it probably sucked or something, but then I was all like “Fuck it, I’m gonna give it a shot.” And boy am I glad I did. The cereal was seriously good. I had two bowls of that shit and everything. Anyway, it was a nice little suprise for me and I am really excited to eat some more cereal tomorrow morning. I’ll let you know if I feel the same way in tomorrow morning, when the world could be totally different.

I was seriously thinking about buying another one of those Entenmann’s Chocolate Fudge cakes again too, especially after talking with a friend about them last night and totally being on the same page about the general greatness of cake and this specific cake in general. In the end, I decided to distract myself and not buy the cake though because I thought this might be better for my crimefighting skills. I can already feel the difference. But for the record I still really like cake. I bet you do too.

File Under: Do Not Even Get Me Started On This Topic

Monday, July 24, 2006

Not In San Diego Anymore

Last night I took the red-eye flight from San Diego and got into JFK this morning. On the plane, they were showing a movie in which Bruce Willis plays a tough-talking cop with a mustache who has pretty much zero tolerance for bullshit. I didn’t plug my headphones in though, so I couldn’t hear anything. But I didn’t mind because it seemed like it was probably one of those movies that is better with the sound off anyway. Also, I’m not sure what the title was but the color in the movie was tweaked so it was kind of muted and blue-ish green or something. I’m guessing the movie people thought it would seem like a better movie this way or something but I don’t think it worked. Bruce Willis’ mustache, on the other hand, really seemed to help take things to the next level.

I am having trouble forming sentences right now partly because of the whole red-eye thing and also partly because of whole Bruce Willis' mustache thing, but here is an update of sorts on other events:

Yesterday was the last day of Comic Con in San Diego. I had the great idea to drink a bunch of vodka the night before so I was feeling like a superstar most of the day. The picture above is of me standing on the balcony of my hotel room in the morning. Yes, I know I look seriously gay. The weather was so nice in San Diego that I thought about sleeping on the balcony my last night there but then got worried I might sleepwalk and fall the 22 flights down to the cement so I decided against it. Anyway, moments after taking this photo I spilled hot coffee all over my privates. I was wearing only boxers at the time so it was a pretty direct hit. I would describe it as a generally negative experience.

Overall, I ended up having a really good time at Comic Con and met lots of nice folks and made new friends and whatnot. In an earlier posting I mentioned not being interested in comic books- which is generally true when it comes to superhero type stuff- but I am a big fan of graphic novels and illustration and stuff like that and I ended up finding a ton of it after digging around the convention center for a bit. I even got a cool T-shirt from the Giant Robot booth that has an illustration of a bunny rabbit tearing apart a stuffed animal bunny on it. I’m not sure what it means but I am digging it.Early on during my last day at Comic Con I ran into the guys in the photo above, who- as you can probably tell- were dressed as Jason from “Friday the 13th”, a ninja of unknown origin, and Michael Myers from the popular “Halloween.” I really like Jason, Michael Myers, and ninjas in general so I was all like “Hey, let’s get a photo together.” It happened just like that. Anyway, as indicated in the photo, we had tons and tons of fun together and quite simply cannot stop talking about it.Later in the day I ended up getting the T-shirt I am wearing in the photo above to wear for some of the stuff I was shooting with the Fox Atomic folks. The drawing on it is of a hot chick in tight clothes hanging out with a dragon. I was pretty sure I would never have occasion to wear it again, so I ended up giving it away to a friend whom I guessed might have a more hot chick/dragon T-shirt-friendly lifestyle than I do. I did have time to pose in it with the scary looking guys in the picture before taking it off though. You can’t really tell by looking at it but these two guys were making weird screeching noises the whole time I was with them. I’m not sure what that was about. They seemed nice enough though.

Now I am back at my apartment and giving some serious thought to taking a shower and/or a nap. I will keep you posted on this and other topics.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Still In San Diego. Dammit.

I have just returned home from another long day of acting like a retard on camera at Comic Con in San Diego. The fatigue is setting in. Even acting like a retard will tire you out if you do it long enough (though I imagine people get tired of watching me act like a retard faster than I actually get tired of acting like a retard. Or at least that’s the sense I’ve gotten over the years). I don’t know if I mentioned this yet, but the people I am acting like a retard on camera for are Fox Atomic, which is a part of the big Fox movie company, and also Stupidvideos.com, which- as hinted at in the name- is a website that features videos of the stupid variety. It’s really big with the kids these days.

Anyway, the highlight of today was meeting Chuck D from Public Enemy. I was talking to some nice gay dudes who make some cool gay-themed comic books (One was called Shirtlifter. The drawings were really great and I could really appreciate them even though I am so totally not gay it’s not even funny), and then I turned around and there was Chuck D signing copies of a Public Enemy comic book. I’ve been a big fan of Public Enemy over the years so it was nice to finally meet him though I have to admit I was a bit intimidated and found myself sounding like a fifteen year-old the whole time I was talking to him. He is Chuck D after all. As you can see in the picture above though, we are practically best friends now. We still can’t agree which one of our house’s we’ll be doing Thanksgiving at this year though. But that’s just how it is with me and Chuck- we fight all the time but dammit we can’t get enough of each other. I guess I just can’t stay mad at him.I also met the girls in the photo above who were dressed as characters from some sort of Japanese cartoon or “anime” as the kids call it. They were really nice though the girl with the pink hair kept blowing a coach’s whistle right near my head every couple minutes, which got annoying pretty much instantly. I am really glad Chuck D didn’t try and pull any of that crap.After finishing up for the day, I swung by the pool here at the Marriott where I saw the cool duck in the photo above. He was swimming all alone in a pond right by the pool. I wondered if he was lonely and then I felt a closeness to him since I am all alone here in San Diego too. Despite our closeness, however, the duck kept swimming away from me every time I tried to take his picture. Finally, I caught him when he decided to take a little break under those branches and stuff. In the photo, he looks really mean but in real life he seemed to pretty nice as ducks go and really didn’t seem to have any sinister plans whatsoever as far as I can tell. Still, I can’t figure out why he kept swimming away from me. Dammit I am so tired of his bullshit.

Friday, July 21, 2006

More San Diego Mayhem

Last night I ate dinner alone in a fake Irish pub-type place they had in the lobby of this massive Marriott hotel I am staying at here in San Diego. The hotel is packed both with people attending Comic Con and people attending a school teachers convention of some sort, so I have to dodge either someone dressed as a stormtrooper or a woman in pleated jeans every ten feet or so. Anyway, at the fake Irish pub place I ate the traditional Irish meal of buffalo wings and french fries. I felt like I had taken a journey to my ancestral homeland. It was really, really great for me and pretty much everyone around me.

After that, I went up to my room and just sort of lied around in my underwear, which was prettty great for me and whoever could see in my window I imagine. There are like fifty pillows on my bed here for some reason. I can pretty much only make use of a couple at a time, so I just throw the rest on the floor for the most part. The picture above is of me just totally hanging out with all the pillows and having a seriously good time resting while I plot my next move.

I spent part of today over at Comic Con again, interviewing people and whatnot. The highlight was meeting Stan Lee, creator of Spider Man and a bunch of other comics. He is a god in these parts and has really great hair. I also saw Samuel L. Jackson but he wouldn’t stop to talk to me. Dammit. I am going to stab him. No, not really. But I might not go see “Snakes On A Plane” more than a couple times just to get him back.Another highlight from today was meeting the large red character above whose name I can’t remember. We had good times though. In the photo, I am placing my microphone in a manner in which to suggest that it is the penis of the red character. As you can probably imagine, we all got a big, big laugh out of that because that sort of thing is pretty much funny every single time.I also met these nice people (pictured above), a couple in which the woman dresses as a Stars Wars character and the dude just dresses as a guy who really looks great in a pair of shorts. They seemed to be having a real nice time. Wish I would have gotten their names, addresses, and phone numbers.Now I am back at the hotel again and trying to figure out what to do next. While I do that, check out the picture above that a friend sent me from her trip to Spain. Apparently kids wear thongs over there. The people of Spain- they are so, so far ahead of us.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

San Diego Invasion

Last night I grabbed dinner in the town of Los Angeles with some friends at a place called East India Grill. As hinted at in the name, it is an Indian restaurant. It was pretty great but I weirdly was unable to stuff my face as much as I usually can when presented with piles of Indian food.

After dinner, we went to some bar called El Carmen that specializes in tequila (over 300 varieties, some say). The douchebag quotient was pretty low compared to a lot of bars I have been to in L.A., so as of this writing I would recommend it (but then again what the hell do I know). However, I am generally trying to avoid tequila of late because it pretty much turns me into an instant jackass. I gave in last night though and had some Cabo Wabo, the popular tequila made by the Red Rocker, Sammy Hagar. Sammy makes some sucky music, but his tequila is pretty good. I’ve pretty much decided to stop fighting Sammy and his fun-loving ways even though he did ruin Van Halen and wears Hawaiian shirts all the time (For the record, I am 100% pro-David Lee Roth when it comes to Van Halen, but who isn’t?). If you were going to grill out and have margaritas and stuff, he seems like he’d probably be a good guy to have around. I just wouldn’t let him pick the music though.

This morning I flew to scenic San Diego, a city I have never been to before. It seems like a pretty nice, fun-in-the-sun kind of place. The area I am staying in seems pretty touristy, which I’m not too crazy about. Maybe I will wander out later and try to find the seamy underbelly of this town or something. The truth is, after being away from home for four days now, I’m pretty much ready to just be back in New York. But I am trying to make the most of things. The first picture is of me standing on the balcony of my hotel room, which overlooks a harbor of some sort. Maybe it is called San Diego Harbor. I should look it up or just ask someone in the lobby or something.I am in San Diego for the next four days doing man-on-the-street type stuff for assorted entities at Comic Con, the biggest comic book/video game/other crap convention on the planet. Since I have what I would describe as little to no interest in any of this stuff, it is nightmarish in nature for me. I like drawing though, so I can relate to things on that level at least.

As you can probably imagine, Comic Con doesn’t skimp on nerds. The second picture is of a nice self-proclaimed nerd I met who was dressed up as Doctor Spock, the popular character from Star Trek. He came to this thing by himself he told me. I was stunned.The picture above is of a character named Caveman Robot, a comic book character come to life. As hinted at in the name, he is a caveman who is also a robot. His costume was pretty sweet and appeared to be largely homemade in a really great way. He got really pissed at me while I interviewed him for some reason only I thought he was joking because I couldn’t see his face. It’s weird to have a big guy dressed as both a caveman and a robot yelling at you. You just don’t expect that sort of thing to happen in life. And then it does and something about it makes you feel alive again and not as bummed to be in San Diego all by yourself.For some reason this week, I have been listening to the song “Headmaster Ritual” by the Smiths over and over again. It’s a really good song that seems to be about how Morrissey’s teachers used to beat the crap out of him in school. It’s pretty catchy. I am debating continuing listening to it over and over again while I am in San Diego though because I am worried it will always make me think of Comic Con and angry cavemen who are also robots and- in my opinion- overly sensitive.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Fucking Up Los Angeles

Today I spent most of my day in East Los Angeles (or East L.A. as it is known by the locals) doing more investigative research. During my downtime I took a picture of the mural above. I was hoping this was a restaurant but it turned out to be a youth center or something along those lines. Still, I liked the mural a lot, even if it didn’t point me in the direction of delicious snacks. Sometimes I wish every building had a cool mural on it. Visual stimulation leads to mental stimulation. Check out enough cool murals and next thing you know you’re curing some crazy disease or inventing some awesome new nose hair clipper or something. Anyway, something to think about.I had hoped to get some Mexican food while I was in East L.A. (I am practically local at this point) but it didn’t happen. I did get a chance to duck into some store that sold a vast array of meats. That’s where I took the second picture, which is of cow feet (to the left) and cow stomachs, which look like a bunch of wet towels if you blur your eyes a little bit. The cow stomachs are called menudo apparently, just like the popular Mexican boy band that once counted Ricky Martin among its ranks. A hilarious pun I thought of that pretty much covers all the bases on this one is “If you can stomach menudo, you can stomach anything.” Outta the park.Since I didn’t want to seem like some weird guy that just walks around taking pictures of meat (which, to be fair, I am) I ended up buying a bag of peanuts in the Mexican meat store that had the piles of menudo. Behind the counter where the cashier lady was working was a big swordfish on the wall. It made me think of my Uncle Don, who was a great fisherman and had a big swordfish that he caught hanging on his living room wall. He, like the swordfish, is no longer with us. Maybe he’ll catch it again in heaven. But I’m guessing they throw everything back up there. Catch and release for Jesus. That sort of thing.After finishing up my investigative research in East L.A., I headed over to Little Tokyo for lunch. That’s where I took the picture above. I can’t tell whether the Chop Suey sign is in fact a cool old sign or a new sign made to look like a cool old sign. Never got close enough. Anyway, I ended up eating at some Japanese place down the street. Some BBQ beef, some sushi, a Diet Coke (I’m giving it a try. Kill me.) and I was ready to get back out onto the streets for some crimefighting.Instead of crimefighting though, I stumbled upon this Hummer with a license plate that read “Nirvana”, only with a heart for the V. I don’t know if it’s referring to the transcendental Buddhist state or the popular rock band. Either way, I’m guessing both Buddha and Kurt Cobain would not be into this.After all of the above, I headed back to my room at the Le Parc Hotel in West Hollywood, from which I write to you. Due to some error on the part or someone or another, I have been booked into some ridiculously large suite that I don’t quite know what to do with. Even the picture above doesn’t do it justice. I could play racquetball in here. But I probably won’t. I have a lot of walking around naked penned in for later tonight when I have nothing better to do though. There is a huge flatscreen TV that comes out from the wall and tilts all over the place too. Perhaps I will watch some programs whilst I am walking around naked or something. Too soon to tell. Despite being really massive (it even has a fireplace and a balcony), there is no minibar for some reason. What the fuck? I really had my heart set on some Toblerone.

On The Mexican Border

Today I went to the Mexican border to hang out with Minutemen. For real. For the unitiated, Minutemen are people who take it up on themselves to help secure the U.S. borders against invasion by illegal aliens or- in this case- Mexicans. It was pretty interesting. And hot. All I could think of when I stared over into Mexico was all the delicious food that must be just a short distance away once I climbed over those barbed wire fences, but the Minutemen told me it really wasn’t like that and that I totally shouldn’t climb over the fence. I had fun anyway though. It was kind of like being in the popular movie “Kill Bill” and then some other movie that involves the desert at some point.

Anyway, the top picture is of the Mexican border in Palominas, Arizona. The closer fence (if you can see it) is the one built by the Minutemen. It’s not that tall and looks like it would be easy to hop over but the Minutemen were still pretty sure it was a really good fence even though I kept telling them it wasn’t. The fence behind that one is the one built by the U.S. government at some point or another. It’s a pretty crappy fence too, which is something the Minutemen agreed with me about.

We didn’t end up seeing any Mexicans trying to cross the border but we did see some driving by, which was exciting for me. I took some more pictures too. The second one is of some branches and rocks on the ground and then there is also the shadow of me taking the picture. As you can tell, it is artistic in nature. The picture below that is of my arm. I forgot to put sunscreen on my arms and they got a serious sunburn. It’s actually not that painful unless I think about it, in which case it really is.

As I type this, I am in Los Angeles where I just showed up an hour or so ago. More hijinx on the books for tomorrow. And hopefully more Mexicans. I’m on their side.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

I Am In Tucson

Today I flew from New York City to scenic Tucson, Arizona, a place I have never been before to the best of my knowledge (NOTE: I might have been here when I was little or something and just not remember but I doubt it- I don’t think the family station wagon ever made it west of Wyoming as far as I know). I am here shooting something for a soon-to-be-wildly-popular cable television program that I totally am on.

Along the way to Tucson, I had a layover in Houston (Sorry, no direct flights today, even for huge stars like me), where- against my better judgment and mostly out of boredom- I got a big BBQ’d meat (beef or pork, I’m not sure which really) sandwich at a place called Harlan’s BBQ. It was pretty good but entirely unnecessary. I thought about getting an ice cream cone after that but I pulled myself together and decided against it in the end.

Also in the Houston airport, they hade these cool planes on the floor (pictured above) that I snapped a photo of shortly after eating the sandwich mentioned in paragraph two. I’d love to have planes on the floor in my house someday. There at the airport they weren’t that cool really. I think I like planes out of context better. At the airport they mainly just made me think more about how I was at the airport, which I don’t really like that much. But if you had planes on the floor of your home you could make up fun stories about the planes and where they were going and you could imagine all the people inside the planes too and all the crazy shit they must be up to in their spare time. That would be fun pretty much any time of the day if you ask me, especially at breakfast when you’re too tired to do much else except for eating and making up stories about people flying in planes. Kids would probably really like seeing the planes on your floor too whether they were yours or someone else’s. I imagine they would make up some fun stories about them too. See? Having planes on your floor is pretty much great for everybody. Unless, of course, the planes made you think of Sept. 11 or something, in which you can't come over to my house. The last think I need is your ass bringing me down. I invited you over because I thought we were going to have fun, dammit! And now you're just bringing everybody down. What the hell is wrong with you anyway?

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Shaving The Fuck Out Of My Motherfucking Face

In keeping with my penchant for writing about products of late, I just wanted to point out that I am still staying at my friend Matt’s house and have just finished using one of his fancy new razors to shave the fuck out of my face. The razor I used to make it all happen was not unlike the razor the guy in the photo above is holding only the handle is black instead of silver. It did have that fluorescent green color all over it though, which leads me to believe that it is either extreme or specifically tailored for people with on-the-go lifestyles or something.

Anyway, I got the party started first by taking Matt’s electric trimmer and cleaning up my sideburns a bit. They had been getting a bit fierce of late so I need to rein them in a bit, especially with this heat and all. Once I had that situation under control and rubbed some soap suds on my face (couldn’t find Matt’s shaving cream. Dammit) and then I just started shaving the fuck out of my face, whipping that crazy black and green razor all over the place. Now I have such a close shave that motherfuckers don’t even know what to say about that shit. Also, I made my sideburns about an inch shorter, which makes my face look either fatter or thinner. I can’t tell which just yet. Maybe I’ll just let the people decide.

Okay, well that pretty much covers it for me at this point. I haven’t showered in two days and smell like I haven’t showered in a couple weeks, so I’m thinking of tackling that situation next. I’ll let you know how it goes. Should be a scorcher.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

As Long As We're On The Topic Of Stuff That Is Just Plain Delicious

Yesterday I went with my friend Matt to the popular new Fairway market/grocery store type place in Red Hook, Brooklyn. Matt was going away for the weekend and wanted to load up on going-away-for-the-weekend type foods, like chips and dips and assorted meats and stuff like that. I was extremely hung over and thought hanging out in a fancy grocery store might help distract me from my overwhelming desire to be dead. (I went out the night before and accidentally drank a bunch of tequila and vodka, both of which I rarely drink but for some reason or another I thought it was a really good idea at the time. I alienated a bunch of people in the process. I guess that’s sometimes what it takes to learn some of life’s lessons. My apologies to the handful of people who will probably never talk to me again or at least not invite me anywhere. Also, please note in general that I don’t advocate the party lifestyle, kids, even though- to be fair- it does have its moments).

Anyway, at the grocery story I was pretty excited by all the fancy food they had there. They had a pretty impressive array of cheeses, which I was pretty into. Still, I lack the necessary maturity and sophistication to shop for high end cheese on my own so I decided to totally not buy any high end cheese. Instead I bought a rack of ready-to-eat BBQ ribs (delightful), some potato chips (an adventure pick- I almost never buy these), and some sort of fruit beverage that I thought might help cure my hangover (It didn’t). Since I am watching Matt’s dog for the weekend, he bought my food for me, which was really nice of him.

The most exciting food item I stumbled upon at Fairway was Butterfinger Hot Cocoa Mix (pictured above). At just $2.19 a box, it was pretty much priced to move. I tried to talk Matt into buying it for his getaway weekend, but he wasn’t into it. Given my compromised state and all, it seemed like something I couldn’t really handle at the moment but I was still pretty excited about it just in principle. After all, I really like those Butterfinger candy bars and I really like hot chocolate, so it only stands to reason that I would seriously be loving that Butterfinger Hot Cocoa stuff. Maybe when the cold weather comes and I am no longer near death, I can get it together to pick up a box or two and invite a few friends over for a delicious Butterfinger-flavored beverage. Talk about a recipe for good times. I just nailed it.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Cake And How It Is Seriously Good

This morning I decided to do a little grocery shopping because I was hungry and- as buying food goes- a grocery store is pretty good place to start. Since I didn’t want to get too crazy or anything, I decided to focus on the task at hand and only buy stuff that I planned on eating immediately. To that end, I bought a half gallon of milk, some bananas, and some Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes with 1/3 less sugar than the regular Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes. Not surprisingly, the Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes with 1/3 less sugar than the regular kind are exactly 1/3 less good than the regular kind. Still, 1/3 less good than the regular kind is still pretty darn good if you ask me, so- in keeping with my uncompromising health regimen- I don’t mind having 1/3 less fun while eating cereal. I ended up putting some of the bananas on top of the cereal anyway and that really seemed to add to the fun in a whole other way because of the fruit element, which is great.

Anyway, in addition to the above items, I also bought an Entenmann’s chocolate fudge cake. It’s not the kind of item I normally set out to the grocery store to buy, but whenever I notice them sitting there by the register I am always reminded how having a nice cake around is pretty much a recipe for instant good times. I guess that’s why they put the delicious cakes and cookies by the register in the first place. Anyway, I ended up buying one and have pretty much been eating the delicious cake and not doing much else ever since. Those cakes are popular for a reason, dammit. Man, are those Entenmann’s people onto something or what. Am I right or am I right? Or am I right?

As long as we’re on the topic of Entenmann’s, I wanted to point out that when the popular Entenmann’s dessert products first hit the market when I was a kid growing up in scenic Cleveland, Ohio, I somehow how thought they made everything right there in my hometown. I’m guessing it was the packaging that got me (which I’m guessing is exactly what the Entenmann’s people had in mind when they came up with the packaging. They are a Savvy bunch). Anyway, I was pretty excited that such delicious cakes and cookies were being made right there in my hometown. It was something to be proud of, I thought. Then one day I found out it wasn’t true and a bit of the magic was lost for me. The cake is still pretty good though. I also eat the cookies sometimes too. Generally speaking however, if you are looking to really ratchet things up a bit on the fun meter, getting a delicious cake is the way to go. I am alone today eating cake and I am having a serious blast. Imagine if I were to throw a couple friends into the mix. Now that would be one good time because everyone loves cake. Buy a delicious cake today and eat with some friends and then you will sit there and think about how you totally know what I am talking about. Just don't buy any of that diet cake bullshit. What- are you f&%king kidding me? That is no fun.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

This Moment In Classic Rock: Rainbow

Yesterday, while auditioning for a Domino’s pizza commercial (Yes, I know that may be the saddest start to any sentence ever), I- against all odds- ran into rock singer Joe Lynn Turner, whom classic rock fans should know from his work with such legendary bands as Deep Purple and Rainbow (He also sang with Yngwie Malmsteen for a bit too). Apparently Joe wrote the commercial for the Domino’s pizza commercial it is highly unlikely I will be in.

Anyway, meeting Joe Lynn Turner (who was super nice and has incredible hair) got me thinking about Rainbow. Joe was the third singer for Rainbow after Ronnie James Dio and Graham Bonnet. Rainbow had some pretty sweet tunes with all three singers, but I’m particularly a sucker for “Since You've Been Gone” featuring Graham Bonnet. A lot of Rainbow fans thought the band had sold out and gone too commercial with this song, but I’m a sucker for this sort of thing so I say bring it on.

Getting back to Joe Lynn Turner however, he joined the band after Rainbow guitarist and band leader Ritchie Blackmore kicked Graham Bonnet out of the band for getting all wasted onstage at Castle Donington in 1980. And Joe did a bang up job if you ask me.

What is my point with all of this, you ask? Well, I’m not really sure. But I hope you enjoy this song and video on some level or another. It sure beats the crap out of the Kelly Clarkson song of the same name. Dammit.

Getting In Touch With My Instrument

Here is the video I mentioned a couple posts ago. It debuted on Salon.com a week or so (maybe you heard of the ensuing pandemonium surrounding this) and now I am releasing it to the masses like a motherf%#ker or something. Anyway, recently- in an effort to become pretty fucking sweet at acting and stuff- I took a class in something called actor's movement. It was really great and that is what this video is about. I hope you like it so much.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Is It Hot Enough For You?

Is is hot enough for you? Now there is one question I find myself both asking and answering with increasing regularity this time of year, especially on days when it is seriously hot outside.

As questions go, “Is it hot enough for you?” is a pretty good one for any number of reasons. For starters, it is has to do with the weather and- as anyone who has ever even tried to have a conversation with another human being will tell you- drawing attention to the current weather situation is a pretty surefire way to get the ball rolling. The problem, however, is that when most people attempt to strike up a conversation with another person by mentioning the weather, they go about it in completely the wrong way by saying something like “Man, it is so how out here today!” Right out of the gate, they’ve made like five or six mistakes and shouldn’t be surprised if the person to whom they’ve said such a thing completely refuses to talk to them at all. First of all, it is an extremely aggressive statement as it pretty much demands that the person to whom it is directed agree with you rather than say how they really feel about the current weather situation for fear that you might stab them or something. Also- given the fact that roughly 51% of the world’s population is female, odds are pretty good that you’ve completely offended the person to whom you’ve made this statement by suggesting they in fact have the appearance of a man. Take it from me, this is not the way to go about impressing the ladies should that be your aim. You will have pretty much torpedoed things from the get go and can pretty much expect to die alone unless you turn things around pretty darn quickly.

Anyway, getting back to the “Is it hot enough for you?” question, it’s pretty much guaranteed to be a winner every time. For one, it lets the person you’re asking know that you are interested in what they have to say about things. “If this guy wants to know what I think about the weather, imagine what other matters he might be interested in getting my opinion on! I am flattered by his interest in what I have to day!” the person will undoubtedly think to themselves and with good reason. Also, asking someone if it is hot enough for them will let them know right away that you are hilarious and fun to be around as the answer to this question is invariably and most definitely “Yes!” “Is it hot enough for me, you ask? That is a ridiculous and hilarious question since it is clearly quite hot outside to the point of discomfort! Who in their right mind would wish it to be hotter? Would your last name be Rickles by any chance?,” your new friend will most likely reply just as soon as they have been asked this great question about the weather. And then they will be left to wonder what other tricks you might have up your sleeve and- in an effort to find out as soon as possible- will jump right into a conversation with you before they know what hit them. It is pretty much off to the races at this point. And all of this is because you’ve just asked them a seriously great question that pretty much never fails to make others perk up and want to be your friend.

Once you’ve got the whole “weather conversation” out of the way, you can dive into any number of other topics you might be interested in exploring with your new friend, such as whether or not the person would be willing to loan you money or what is their discomfort level with the idea of you having sex with their wife. And all of this is because you have taken the time to get started on the right foot with them. Give yourself a pat on the back, fella- you are unlikely to die alone.

Of course, all of the above is only effective for so long because at some point the leaves will start to turn, a frost will slowly begin to cover the ground, and next thing you know it’s the dead of winter. It is at this point that you should seriously consider asking someone this question: Is it cold enough for you?

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Those Wayans Brothers Have Done It Again!

Sunday, July 02, 2006

A New Funtime Video For You To Watch

If you are looking for Internet excitement, you should totally go and watch a new video of mine that is up on the popular Salon website on the Internet. Really, it would mean a lot to me if you did so go and watch it now before I go cutting myself again. Wait, no, that’s too harsh. But go watch it, you know, if you want and stuff. That would be so great.