Noonday

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

By A Thread...

Dear Ones:

That is how I FEEL this week. Like I am hanging on by a thread of hope. Do I BELIVE God is big and He can do anything. Absolutely 100% with out a doubt. I just don't know how he intends to do something BIG. You see I would love for it to be these girls are ours forever. That would be my idea of BIG. I honestly feel if these precious girls leave our home I will feel the grief of losing a child. I know healing the broken hearts our family would feel if that is the situation would certainly be BIG! Does God intent to heal birth mom and restore things that way? That certainly would be BIG! I just do not know. I know my flesh repels the thoughts of the latter two. Not the most spiritual way to think I know but I am just being transparent here.

Last Friday we started our 2 hour visitation and it went just like we thought it would. Baby girl screamed. Nothing was different. We talked with our case worker to see if 2 hours was really necessary since nothing changed. They brought her out to us 4 times to calm her down and then as soon as she was calm they would send her back in. The case worker seems to think we need to continue. My husband told her then we would not stay for the visit to be a human pacifier. He said we would be back to rescue her but he did not like what it said to baby girl that we would repeatedly send her back in there. Each time she came out it took longer and longer to settle her down. The case worker also said for us to work it out for Baby girl to come hungry so birth mom could feed her and bond with her. This is where my flesh gets really ugly. I hate that thought! She has never fed her or cared for her needs and I am selfish with this. I am really having a hard time surrendering this. I do not even know how to explain it.

I still really am having such a hard time. So I ask that you continue to pray for our family. I feel like a spiritual weakling right now because my flesh just feels so BIG right now.

This is where it gets tough...we have had several foster children in our home we the desire to adopt and the Lord has blessed us with two adoptions, one through foster care and one through an adoption agency.

Our adoption through foster care was the hardest experience of my life! Little man came to us at 6 days old and it was a fight for his life from the minute he entered our home. Birthmom never left the hospital with him, so he was OURS. And even though the state had removed 3 girls from her prior to this they still said we needed to give her a chance. I felt it was at our sons' expense...and when they did the visits and wanted me to bring him hugary I was FURIOUS to say the least. But God knows, and honestly every time she tried to feed him the case worker would end up stepping in and doing it because something wasn't working....God knows. I know it is difficult to hear that, I have been there. There were many times it felt like we were loosing Boo, even up to the finalization date...but in the end God allowed us to be his parents, and we are looking at his 3rd birthday next month. God is soooo good!

I will say it again, this is just so hard....I need Him to be my all and all. Ephesians 3:20 is now the scripture that I am praying each day as we wait. He is able to do "immeasurably more than all we ask". Praying for you today sister!!!!

Praying for you during this difficult time. We are in the same position for our foster baby girl. As much as we would love to keep her, we just don't know what will happen. We don't know if her bio mom will have enough strength to do the right things. All I know is we are loving her and feeling blessed to take care of her, and learning to trust God more and more as her story unfolds.

I wish I had seen this earlier. I agree with AJH's comment and your husband saying you all will not be a human pacifier (what a WISEman)

I understand 100% you not want her birth mom to feed and nurture her but again...it wont work. I think since your daughter is with you all the time she is VERY much a momma's girl and nothing this stranger can do will make it better.God is working, I see it, the case worker might up the anti but God is working and it is for you in the end. Praying big for you!!!!