finding my way home

>Wonderings & Ramblings

>Rocking my youngest child to sleep tonight, holding his hand in mine, I wondered-If I died tomorrow, would he remember me? He is 16 months. What about my two and a half year old? What would he remember?It wasn’t really a depressing thought, but it made me realize that with an uncertain future, I can never forget to love with all my heart. Every moment I am able to. My older ones would remember me of course, but even at that… I want to make sure that when my time on this earth is done, I want everyone to know that I loved them with my whole being.Live every day as your last ‘they’ say. To me, this means making sure people know they are loved. And valued, and important.I was walking home from the store yesterday, one of those rare moments that I was without children to care for. They were all at home, and so was my husband.I’ve learned when I walk, to allow my questions and analytical thoughts to just float away. Sometimes, when silly things come to the surface, like ‘hmm, should we paint the inside of the garage? I wonder if I should plant beans or peas? Hey, when did that house go up for sale….?’ etc, I say ‘shhhhhh’ and let them go.Then something amazing happens.That something that I’ve had a hard time understanding and that I keep telling myself to NOT try to understand…. Sparks of the Divine begin to appear.I walk and allow my eyes to see all the colours. The hundreds of shades of greens worn by the trees, the grass, and all the other mid spring foliage. Tall trees and shrubs moving slightly in the breeze. The growing things all around me almost vibrate with energy.At first I feel scared. I try to rationalize… then once again, I just let the thoughts go.Its like a slight lifting of the veil… the manifested Divine, present in everything. In that moment, I feel like everything loves me, and I love everything.As long as I don’t walk into a parked car, or trip over the curb, this feeling can last me all the way home, and it has a few times now. Yesterday evenings was the strongest so far. But also, it was the first time I had walked without pushing the double stroller which chauffeurs my two little ones in quite some time.This feeling is most pronounced in the evening, between 5-7… when the sun is not so high in the sky. When shadows grow a bit.In the bright blasting light of the mid day sun, I don’t get the experience as often. But once the light takes on a gentle cast, or if it is a cloudy day, I begin to feel that sensation.There are days of course where my mood is such that I wont allow myself to be open to anything. We all get wrapped up in some self indulgent misery from time to time I guess, lol.

For here we are so blind and foolish that we never seek God until he, of his goodness, shows himself to us. It is when we do see something of him by his grace that we are stirred by that same grace to seek him, and with earnest longing to see still more of his blessedness. ~ St.Julian of Norwich-Mystic and Visionary