October 12, 2008

Weepy ...

I've been pretty mellow since I got home.

I spent my first day back, on Friday doing errands for the tattoo shop and also went to The Bay to buy a new suitcase. My old suitcase bit the bucket on the way home ... busted the zipper (thankfully didn't lose anything) and it will cost more money to repair then to buy a new suitcase. I love my old suitcase. It was like a trunk. It had shelves... Yes. SHELVES! It was truly amazing and they don't make them anymore. I will miss it terribly. :(

Sat I spent almost the entire day on the couch. I watched a lot of TV (caught up on my TIVO shows) and cried a lot. I don't know if it was the stress of the trip, combined with hearing that my friends boyfriend passed away and realizing that it was the anniversary of my friend Peter passing ... but I lost it yesterday. Cried, cried and cried some more. I was a weepy mess.

I had a visit from Peter in a dream Friday night. He held my hands and looked at me in that way that he always did. I was happy to have a moment with him but dreams are fleeting. I woke up so overwhelmingly sad. He's been gone 8 years today and I light a memorial candle for him every year and watch a little video I have of him telling stories but it doesn't feel like enough. My heart still hurts.

9 comments:

Anonymous
said...

Mmh...that's not an easy question to answer. Well, when I lost my sister (and her husband and kids, they died in a car accident), I was so overwhelmed with grief, and had such a hard time coping with my family's sadness, that I could not bear to look at pictures of her (or of my nephews and brother in law). I still have a hard time with pictures, and it's been a few years now. My mom and grandma have pictures everywhere in their homes, and they keep pics in their wallets...but I simply can't.

Yet, I feel the need to remember them, and honor them in a way. I spend most of my time abroad, living away from our hometown. I always have something of theirs with me: a necklace or a drawing she made, a pair of comfy socks I've seen her wear at a family gathering, something my brother in law wrote (it was a mundane shopping list for a long time)...anything that fits in a pocket, that I can bring with me, and that isn't too obvious...And when I feel like crying, well... I just do.

I was inexplicably sad too on Friday night and started crying for absolutely no reason. But then i also got upset about the past and death...you are the 3rd person who i know who was upset in the past few days, maybe it is something in the universe?

I've been the same the last few days. Lost two of my best friends in July, 16 days apart, thought I was dealing fine with it, but the last while it's been hitting me with a vengence. Can't recomend anything to help, other than just trudge on through it all.

My mother passed away unexpectedly two years ago, and at first I simply could not deal with it. I didn't allow myself to mourn, which made it all the more difficult to be without her.

I still cry, a lot. But I also am lucky to have a videotape of her from when I was a kid, and a talk she gave on cassette, so I can listen to her voice whenever I need to. I am inundated with her image. I am not the type of person who could live without photos of my loved ones around, even when sometimes it is painful to see them and remember she is gone.

My brothers and I celebrate her birthday with a cake and funny stories. I make a point to utilise gifts she made me (like the blanket on my bed) so I feel connected to her in my everyday goings-about. On the anniversary of her death, I buy her a dozen white roses, her favourite. I used to throw them into the ocean for her, but now that I'm not seaside I put them in a vase and enjoy them as long as they last (this past anniversary, they were beautiful for over two weeks). I also got a tattoo in her honour, something that was meaningful to both of us, to remind me that she's always with me.

my dad died two years ago, and I just found out a few days ago that i'm going to be having a baby.. I think about him all the time, but now it's more than ever. I just try to remember weird things we shared, like listening to van halen in the car, or him cutting out circles so I could make snowflakes. make yourself remember all the things that make you love them. Now that I know i'm pregnant, I know pretty soon it's going to hit me that he won't get to be a grandpa, but I'm hoping so much that the baby will be a lefty, the same thing that Dad and I shared.

Well... When i want to be close to my Dad, i listen to Steve Martin in concert- the one from the 70s, you know? The one that has "get small" etc... When i want to remember my Mom i like to just sit and look at pictures, although the Mom stuff is harder and not as fun for some reason-

hey sarah,sorry to hear you were so sad on saturday, missing friends really hurts the heart.

i usually look at pictures or letters when i want to remember. when my friend helen passed, i was out of town, and came home to a lovely message from her in our voicemail. we saved the msg and i like to listen to it sometimes. she was also a filmmaker, and her films were recently digitized and put on a dvd, so that's something else too.

For some reason I remember their birthdays, not the day they died. Although for some reason the month will roll around that they died in and I will start thinking about them very stongly. Then sure enough I will come across something that lets me know the date they died,(funeral program, journal entry, etc)I don't keep pictures up around the house. We have a black and white photo of our son in a costume from a play he did, and just recently I put up a picture of my grandma who died when I was 13. Weird story... she died in January. About 8 or 10 years or so after she died her jewlery box which I have with her old jewlery in it would chime every January from under my bed. I knew it was her saying hello and I would tell her out load that I loved her and that I missed her. The music part of it was broken and it wouldn't work, and the twirly thing, dancer or whatever it was, was broken off, but every January from under my bed it would ring out for about 15 seconds ( the lid was closed). About 3 yearsor so ago my sister was with me when it happened, of course I had been telling the family about this for years and finally my sister was with me to hear it. We cried and told our grandma we loved her and missed her. I havent heard it since.By the way, I cried most of the day yesterday. Not really sure why. I just felt sad. :(

(((HUGS))) Some days are like that...me, I plant things and watch them grow... My family friend Dick died of cancer, I bought a lilac tree..he had greatly encouraged my green thumb...it started soemehing...