Modern Mothers Understand Equality

Annie Urban blogs about parenting, feminism, social justice and the intersection among them at PhD in Parenting.

April 30, 2012

Elisabeth Badinter argues that attachment parenting is “tethering women to the home and family to an extent not seen since the 1950s.” She calls it “voluntary servitude” and, like Erica Jong in her essay on the Madness of Motherhood, she worries that this obsession with perfect mothering amounts to a reversal of the progress her generation made. I appreciate the ground work of these second-wave feminists, but mothers in the third wave of feminism are charting a new path to equality.

Attachment parenting represents a third wave of feminism that charts a new path to equality.

Too often the discussion about women’s choices (stay at home, go back to work) ignores the role of fathers. To achieve meaningful equality, we need to push for a society that values fathers who strike a balance between their career and their family life too. Women shouldn’t have to be equally uninvolved parents to reach their goals; they should be able to ask their spouses to step up too.

Having children involves rewards and sacrifices that should be shared by both parents. I took some maternity leave and breastfed both of my children for more than two years. My husband washed the cloth diapers and took six years off of his career to stay home until our youngest was 3 years old.

For us, attachment parenting wasn’t about perfection. It was an investment in our relationship with our children, and it was the easiest way to parent. Who wants to get up to make a bottle at 2 a.m. after a hard day at work, when you can just roll over and flop out a breast? Who wants to lug a Pack N Play, stroller, high chair, bottles, Thermos, formula and more on a family vacation, when you can just pop the baby in a sling and go?

Attachment parenting can make it easier for a working mother to bond with her children when they are together, but it isn’t something she can do alone. It requires a partnership (at a minimum) and a village (ideally) that rejects traditional patriarchal models of motherhood and instead adopts a nuanced flexible approach to balancing work, family and community.

My generation of feminists certainly struggles with work-life balance. But my hope is that our struggles, and our victories, will pave the path for political and societal changes that allow our daughters to have both the career and the family that they want, and for our sons to do so too.