What are my choices when my baby dies?

Your choices about what to do when your baby dies are very personal, there is no right or wrong. You and your partner may think differently, or you may need time to decide what you want.

Many babies who die in the first few weeks of life do so in hospital. If your baby dies in hospital, the staff caring for you and your baby should respect your wishes. Staff will ask whether you would like to spend time holding your baby (NICE 2007, Sands 2014b).

Many parents find touching and holding their baby at this time helps to bring some comfort. The time they spent with their baby becomes a very precious memory (Sands 2014b).

Some babies may have spent all their lives since birth in a neonatal unit. So the heartbreaking moments when your baby is dying, or those moments shortly after death, may be the first time that you have been able to hold your baby properly.

You may choose to wash and dress your baby yourself. You can have quiet, private time with your baby to take photographs (Sands 2014a), handprints or footprints. Creating memories like this may help to provide a focus for your grief, as well as acknowledging your baby's special place in your family.

Will I be able to find out what happened to my baby?

You may be able to find answers by agreeing to a post mortem examination of your baby. However, even a post mortem can't always discover a reason for what's happened. This can be a frustrating and upsetting experience.

Even if no clear reason can be found, a post mortem may be able to answer some questions and rule out some causes (Sands 2014a). A post mortem will seek to:

identify a cause or causes of death

provide information about your baby's development

provide information about any health problems, which will help your doctor to care for you in a future pregnancy (Sands 2014a).

Your midwife or doctor will always ask you if you wish to go ahead with a post mortem (Sands 2014a). Some parents decide against it because of personal, religious or cultural reasons.

To help you make the decision, the hospital staff should give you as much information as you need. You may need a little time to think about your decision, and your views and wishes should be respected.

However, the sooner the post mortem is done, the better the information it offers is likely to be. Staff will tell you when the post mortem results are likely to be available, and give you an appointment to discuss them with the doctor (Sands 2014a).

If you decide to go ahead with a post mortem, you will be asked to sign a consent form before it is carried out. You will probably be able to see your baby again after the post mortem, if you wish to (Sands 2014a). The staff should tell you in advance if this will be possible and, if so, what your baby may look like. If staff advise you against seeing your baby after the post mortem, you may want to say your goodbyes beforehand.

Very occasionally, a coroner may ask for a post mortem to be carried out, even if the parents would prefer that it wasn't. This can be when the death is unexpected and the cause of death is unclear. It's often the case that a post mortem is required by law for babies who die at home from sudden infant death syndrome (SIDs).

What causes a baby to die?

Most babies who die in their first month of life are born prematurely (before 37 weeks) (Lawn et al 2013, Harding 2014, Liu et al 2014), or have a low birth weight (ONS 2014).

The care of very premature babies has improved greatly, but some babies are born before their bodies can cope with life outside the womb (uterus).

Breathing and heart problems are the most common cause of death in premature babies (ONS 2014). Premature babies are particularly at risk from complications such as:

respiratory distress syndrome (RDS) (Lawn et al 2013) or pneumonia

bleeding in the brain (intraventricular haemorrhage)

infections acquired in the womb, or during or after birth

inflammation of the large and small intestine (necrotising enterocolitis) (Costeloe et al 2012).

The second most common reason a baby may die is because of a serious abnormality, such as a heart or lung defect (Harding 2014, ONS 2014).

Tragically, about 500 babies a year die because of an unexpected trauma or event that happened during the birth (Sands nd).

What practical arrangements need to be made?

There are legal procedures to follow and forms to fill in when a baby is born and then dies. It may seem cruel that, at this time of shock and grief, there is paperwork to be done. However, some parents appreciate the formal recognition of their baby's existence and treasure the certificates they receive.

Both the birth and the death of your baby need to be legally registered, and a burial or cremation will need to follow registration (Sands 2014b).

First, hospital staff will issue a Medical Certificate of Death, which you'll need to take to your local register office within five days of your baby's death. In Scotland, it's eight days (Sands 2014b). Hospital staff will help you with any questions you have about following the correct procedures. You could enlist the help of family with form-filling, if you find it hard to face up to.

It's best to phone the register office to make an appointment before you visit. The registrar will try to make sure that you do not have to wait with parents and their babies.

You can register your baby's birth and death at the same appointment (Sands 2014b). The charity, Sands has lots of helpful information, including what the registrar will ask you for.

Once your baby has been registered, the registrar will give you a certificate for burial or cremation. Don't feel pressured to make decisions quickly about what to do next. Your baby's body will be kept safely until you have decided what arrangements you wish to make.

Hospitals do not usually charge for a baby's funeral, although you may be asked for a small donation. The hospital chaplain or ward staff will explain what happens if you decide that you want the hospital to arrange your baby's funeral. The hospital will use its contracted firm of funeral directors. You should be able to choose whether to have a burial or a cremation.

If you decide to arrange a private funeral, the funeral director should give you an idea of the costs involved. If you are on a low income, you may be able to get help from the government with funeral costs.

You can say goodbye to your baby in almost any way you choose. This could mean letting the hospital make all the arrangements, if that's what you want, or arranging your own ceremony. Your own ceremony can be religious, non-religious, traditional or personally designed (Sands 2014b). Sands has ideas and suggestions, including poems and readings.

I can't get over the loss of my baby. Where can I find help?

It's understandable that you need help after all that you've been through. You are coping with the trauma of loss, you may still be recovering physically from birth, and you need time to grieve for the loss of your baby.

The hospital will have specially trained staff for you to speak to. Depending on when your baby died, this may be a bereavement midwife, neonatal nurse or counsellor. You may want to talk to the hospital chaplain, too.

Accept that recovery will be slow. Grief after losing a baby never goes away completely (Shear et al 2011). Most parents gradually reach a "new normal" in the months following a loss (Shear et al 2011).

If, after a few months, you feel as if you're not coping with everyday life, or things are getting worse, talk to your doctor or midwife. They'll be able to refer you to a bereavement counsellor, who will guide you through the complex and difficult emotions you're experiencing.

What are the implications for a future pregnancy?

When the time comes, the decision to try for another baby can be very difficult. Some women have a strong need to be pregnant again, but, for others, expecting another baby is hard to contemplate. You and your partner may feel differently about when is the right time to try again.

If the reason for the loss of your baby was a genetic abnormality, your doctor may refer you for genetic counselling. This allows a specialist to assess the chances of it happening again, and to discuss your options for a future pregnancy.

If you do become pregnant again, it's natural to be full of fears (Mills et al 2014). As your pregnancy progresses, your obstetrician and midwives will monitor you and your baby closely. If your previous baby was premature, they will be vigilant for any warning signs of early labour. You're most likely to have your baby at full term (from 37 weeks), but there is a slightly increased chance of having another baby early (Bloom et al 2001), so the team looking after you will want to be sure.

You're likely to be extremely sensitive to every aspect of your next pregnancy. This may be wearing, but, hopefully, it will also be reassuring for you. Staying well during your pregnancy, being aware of your baby's movements, and going to all your antenatal appointments can help you to feel more confident and positive about your pregnancy (Lawn et al 2013, Sands nd).

Comments

My son passed away 12 days after being born I was 25+1 week pregnant, I have no idea what brought my labour on :( Iv read the first comment and it says stress? I was stressed as my ex boyfriend wasn’t being very kind but overall I was so happy to be pregnant he was my miracle baby as I miscarried in June and also ivf. I keep getting told I’m so strong and no one can understand why I am not crying all day every day I just feel numb & broken. I had brought every single thing he needed. I also had a classical c section so now can’t try again for a year, is anyone else able to relate?

I had my son at 22 weeks 6 days on July 2, 2018. He was 1lb 5.5oz. It was a rollercoaster. He was so strong to be so tiny. One day he was doing well and the next not so much. He fought ten days before his little body gave out. I have no idea what caused me to go into labor early. I'm thinking stress. Every single day I think of him. I cry and scream and cry some more. I really can't cope. Please someone give me some advice on how to get through this. I'm an beyond broken. I thought he would be my rainbow baby. I miscarried in August of 2016 as well. I'm so scared to try again. I had a C section with him and can never labor again so any baby I carry from here on out will have to be delivered via c section. I'm just so hurt.

Our baby was born on 07 feb 2018... and we have lost our little one on 17 feb 2018 due to cystic hygroma. The thing went inside his neck and he was unable to exhale by his own. He died after the failure of all medications and treatments.. Though we lost him we hope that again he will born without any complications and live happily in this world. The pain was unbearabale. Our eyes always get tears when thinking about him. Doctor said sorry and it was an unexpected one.. But it never heals.. He is always our first baby.. Forever.. I had a c-section delivery and now i'm confused when to have a second baby..

my beautiful baby boy was born on the 5th of march,2018 and died on the 12th of march due to intestinal obstruction. he was suspected to have duodenal atresia soon after birth due to him passing green vomitus and was referred from the hospital where I delivered to another hospital where it was ruled out as some other form of obstruction that required surgery. they couldn't figure out what it was and delayed his surgery until he developed an infection. he died of sepsis and intestinal obstruction. this is the most difficult thing I've ever had to face. the hospital staff just kept saying they were sorry and that I'll have another child. that's easier said than done. this was my first child..I can never get over his death.I hope I can cope but it's hard. it helps to read about other women that have gone through similar experiences because I feel like no one understands what I'm going through. I cry for him everyday. he was and will always be the love of my life.

It’s been three weeks since I’ve lost my baby boy. He was my first child. I’ve never thought something bad would ever happen to my baby during my pregnancy. I feel horrible.
In my country, there are no support groups or qualified therapists about losing a baby. People keep saying “he is an angel now, he will be with you in heaven” but I don’t have a god belief and I don’t find their thoughts useful.
All I think is, why this happened to my baby, why everyone is so happy with their babies and i am not? I keep asking to myself, why me.
He was born on 38th week, a cute little boy, I took him in my arms, tried to breastfeed, loved his cheek and hair but after a few hours everything went wrong and he died. I still don’t know what was the cause.
I don’t know will I ever be ok or have another baby. Even if I will have another baby, it won’t be him and that breaks my heart.

This Internet site provides information of a general nature and is designed for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your own health or the health of your child, you should always consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional. Please review the Terms of Use before using this site. Your use of the site indicates your agreement to be bound by the Terms of Use.

This site is published by BabyCenter, L.L.C., which is responsible for its contents as further described and qualified in the Terms of Use.

Support for your parenting journey. Delivered to your inbox.

My Baby This Week Newsletter

Keep up with your baby’s development with personalised weekly newsletters.