The wandering thoughts of a child of God, a wife, a mom to two homeschool graduates, one of which is a missionary wife bound for a foreign field, and a Grandma to the sweetest little girl! I'm a friend, a homemaker, a gardener, a woodwife of sorts, an aspiring herbalist, an artisan, crafter, and vintage gathering repurposer, the occasional writer of a fairytale or poem, lover of happy endings, somewhat of a hopeless romantic and a woman interested in traditional, sustainable skills.

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March 14, 2014

Sometimes, I just want to write...I need to write. I'm not good with words out loud. They choke in my throat and trip over my tongue. My mind is thinking of the "right" way to say things but it usually doesn't come out that way.
So, I write...I can change it and tweak it until it says what I want it to say. At least in my mind, I understand all the nuances that may be lost to those who read what I scribble. It's the meandering. The pondering too much. Then, when I open my mouth, no matter how well I think I have prepared for this verbal thought, it stumbles out in a sentence that sounds like it just crawled out from a rocky cave. Not well formed or eloquent...not even really me...just a crude fragment with a few hesitations and stutters. At least that's how it sounds to me. The fear of making a mistake or sounding stupid manifests in what tumbles out.

Strife. Stress. Bickering and bitterness. Things I usually try to avoid. But other times, I meet them head on with a return fire that spews as much venom as the initial strike. Justification...that's what I'm saying...if you're going to stir it up, prepare to defend your stand because I'm gonna defend mine. The walls of this fortress have been thickening over time and they've stood strong through a lot.

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie.

True enough if you've ever seen a loyal dog roused by what could be perceived as an attack on it's master.

But metaphorically, it's a warning to heed the frenzy of barking, maybe even growling, that comes with the bleary eyes, tail tucked or pointed straight, the hair on it's back rising in a vertical spine like a razor back hog. It reflects the stir of activity and angst that flows from the stirred ashes of a long dead fire to fan the flames of anger, bitterness and unforgiveness to life once more. Not easy. I try. I try again.

Into the glow of plans for a new life and a new family come the dark clouds that rain on everyone's parade. As though the plans for a life together, at least started in a foreign land far away from family...new babies grown before we meet them, and the matriarchs on both sides of the family dealing with the ravages of time on their health and mind, weren't enough to cause me to reach for the light in order to hang onto hope. This.

This ugly thing that I've kept from those who might be most hurt by it for 23 years. I've protected and hidden the dark, horrid truth so the cycle could be broken. But there are those who could not be protected...those whose existence has been shattered by the knowledge for over a decade. They can't let it rest. They have to share the miserable tale so that all may be hurt by it as they have...raw, dirty, hateful truth...but to share the pain seems to ease the burden. Selfishness at it's best, this tale of yore. Now into the light and glory this thing hangs on the air and draws strength from the doubt and fear and disgust of it's gloom. It serves no purpose...it only shares the sadness like a blanket of smoke...and isn't that just what darkness wants? To steal the light? To hide bushels of glory behind this one huge cup of hurt?

Let it go. I know that's the thing to do and I really thought that's what I was doing by keeping it from my most beloved ones...after all, it's not my sin...not my burden...but it's become a pain for all of us...from the dark deeds of a few, generations are affected...and the joy is stolen, at least for a time.

I have a hand to hold, a palm to nestle in, that others may not know...maybe they did know but they've forgotten in the shadows where the colors, like the joy, seem so much more dim. My refuge and strength. My Protector who tells me in Exodus 14:14 to be still and know that He will fight for me. He's got my back. Thank you.

Feedjit

What's this all about?

Keeping a journal or diary has never been easy for me. I loved the idea of it but remembering to do it daily was a problem. Then I'd feel guilty; procrastinating, thinking I'd make it up the next day only to find that a week had flown by without so much as a word from me! The worst part was that I couldn't remember some of the clever things I'd planned to say about the mundane experiences I'd had that made me...well, me. I think I'm a different person than I was all those years ago...expanding on old interests and learning new ones...teaching my little women and learning from them as well.

That time was longer ago than I care to think about. But the idea of putting down my thoughts where I can find them again has been ruminating lately so I decided to try it again in a newfangled context. What follows are the occasionally profound (said with tongue in cheek), often tedious, possibly interesting wanderings of a thoughtful mind.

Perhaps some of the musings that pass this way will inspire you, touch your heart, or brighten your day. So keep an open mind as you ponder my meanderings.

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Ponderings of others

"If I'd never met you, I wouldn't like you; and if I didn't like you, I wouldn't love you; and if I didn't love you, I wouldn't miss you, but I did, I do and I will."

"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous." ~Ingrid Bergman

"A true man does not need to romance a different girl every night. A true man will romance the same girl for the rest of his life." ~Ana Alas

"Love grows by giving."

"The love we give away is the only love we keep."

"The only way to retain love is to give it away." ~Elbert Hubbard

"A smile is almost always inspired by another smile." ~A

"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul." ~Judy Garland

"Love can make you do things that you never thought possible." ~Phil Collins

"The kiss~a sweet discovery of oneself after a long search." ~A
"Love is, above all, the gift of oneself." ~Jean Anouih

"If you think you've given something your all, but your all is all about you, then you haven't truly given anything." ~A. Gimbledorf

"You don't love someone for their looks, their clothes or their fancy car but because they sing a song that only you can hear."

"Unless your heart, your soul and your whole being are behind every decision you make, the words from your mouth will be empty, and each action will be meaningless. Truth and confidence are the roots of happiness."

"Until one is commited, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness...." ~William Hutchinson Murray

"Life is confusing enough; Let's try not to muddy the waters with obscure statements that make folks scratch their heads in bewilderment." ~A. Gimbledorf

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