Inventing the news so you don’t have to

Following news from Venezuela on Sunday when the President, Nicolás Maduro, came under attack from drones, Theresa May has sent him a message to wish him well, but has also given an uncharacteristically unguarded and scathing assessment of the incident to reporters.

‘I saw the video footage,’ snapped a somewhat tetchy Mrs May ‘And if you ask me it was nothing really. The attack from these drones seems to have lasted about three seconds in total. Well let me say this. As the Prime Minister of Britain, and for two years now I have been under a constant attack from drones twenty-four hours a day.’

Nigel Farage, Boris Johnson and the curiously odd scary one, Rees-Mogg, spend all day on TV and in the papers droning on and on about Brexit negotiations and how I’m presiding over a rudderless shambles.’

‘And if it’s not that shower then it’s the bloody idiot, Mr Weetabix Head in The White House, droning on about how brilliant he is and what a great job he’s doing. Christ on a bike… but it doesn’t half get you down! I’d like to see Mr Maduro dealing with what I’m having to put up with day in day out. He doesn’t know he’s born!’

Commentators have been quick to suggest Mrs May’s outburst is down to the colossal pressure of her job, but Chancellor Philip Hammond doesn’t agree. ‘That’s not it at all be honest. It’s really her total lack of ability as a credible leader that’s at the bottom of all this. Oh, and please can you not print that bit?’ he said.