“You’d be surprised how durable babies are. You hold them like they’re Fabergé eggs, and then ― wonk! ― she hits her head on the table and you think, ‘Oh my gosh, did I give her a dent on her head that’s going to be there forever?’ But babies aren’t that precious. Everyone turns out fine. Just love them and make them laugh. I make my daughter laugh every day.”

“So, I don’t breath through my nose, I totally plug my nose, ‘Oh my god, cute baby! So cute.’ And then, I have these wipes and I wipe and I wipe — I wipe too much. At this point they’re going all over the baby, I make sure there’s nothing even around the baby. Then I put this diaper rash thing on that I also use, so I save money.”

“That people think they can talk to you about poop. ‘Oh, you have a new baby? Is she sleeping? Is she pooping?”’ Normally I’d be blushing, but as a parent you just get used to it, and pooping is just another verb in your vocabulary.”

“It was important to me that her first word be ‘Dada.’ I went as far as to try to trick her into saying ‘Dada’ by calling everything ‘Dada,’ from her bottle to diapers to strawberry …I just thought it would be a cute story when people asked, “What was the baby’s first word?” I wanted to say, “It was ‘Dada’. She loves her Dada.” And everyone would go “aww.” But sadly, “Mama” was her first word.

“I play this song on the guitar that I made up that goes: ‘I’m dancin’, I’m dancin’, I’m dance-dance-dance-dance-dancin’ and Winnie just spins around in a circle until she gets dizzy and almost falls, which is funny. But it’s also becoming dangerous.”

“At 10 months old, I had her reading foreign language books — Donde Esta Spot? was a big one. ‘Donde esta Spot?’ My voice gets deeper when I read espanol, and I don’t even speak Spanish. But she doesn’t know that. Then I read French like ‘Bonsoir, lune?’, which is ‘Goodnight Moon’ in French, and I definitely don’t know any French. But I just keep saying things as a question? ‘Bonsoir, lune? Bonsoir, balloon? Bonsoir, oatmeal? Bonsoir, tiny mouse?’”

“Moms should know that even the manliest guys will become softies when they have daughters. Dads immediately fall in love with their little girls, and will let them get away with everything. So moms are going to have to be the disciplinarians when it comes to daughters.”

“People have struggled longer than we did, but there’s shots involved and acupuncture and sleeping upside down. We tried everything. There’s the embarrassment of telling people that we’re having one and we’re pregnant and then it’s not working out. You have to go out and be funny every night and tell jokes and act like nothing’s going wrong. But that’s being a comedian — that’s the job.”

“If you’re lucky enough to have kids, it’s the greatest thing in the whole wide world. You experience it together and it’s the whole reason you get married in the first place. You want to experience these things together. It’s just a magical, fun thing and it makes marriage better.”

“I want to teach them everything I’ve ever learned. I’m going to teach them what a vinyl record is, and I can’t wait for them to eat their first meatballs. I look forward to vacations and family time. I’m going to be that nerdy dad, like, ‘Okay kids, let’s back up the RV, and here we go!’ They’ll be like, ‘Dad, leave us alone. You’re such a nerd.’”

“There are nights when you’re sitting on your couch, and you’re with your beautiful wife — who you can’t believe married you — and your beautiful baby — who you feel endlessly grateful you were able to have — and your dog, and you’re watching Real Housewives getting into fist-fights on TV and you go, ‘How great is my life?’”