Sunday, February 14, 2016

Alone.

There are points when I think everyone, deep down, has an overwhelming desire for someone to look them in the eye and know that they aren't really okay. To validate them, to pull them into a hug without any questions and let them cry into their shoulder, to let them know that they are loved and cared for. To know that they have a person who can see through the smiles.

I wish I had a person.

It feels like I have nobody. I don't have anyone to look me in the eye and realize that the smiles and the excessive talking and jokes are all a lie. When did I get so good at lying? It feels like my world is crashing down around me and I can barely stand. I just want to stay in my bed all day and do nothing, I'm tired all of the time. I've been struggling and fighting for so long that it almost feels like I'm getting comfortable and returning home in a way when the depression overwhelms me again. I'm so done with it all and I honestly just want to give in. If I can't make it through the first four years of college, how am I supposed to make it through the three years of law school?

All I really want is to have a person that I know will understand and will just let me cry for a bit, who will really care and won't freak out. I thought I'd found that person, but then she fucked me over and now I feel more alone than ever.