Expected to CO a 5yr old???

July '13 a lot of stuff went down between my cousin & me & my sister. We have always been close, although she's a pain in the ass, as we often lived together as children (her parents were alcoholics).

Anyway this Cousin (c) was getting married, wanted us to be bridesmaids (I think just because my sister & I look so similar, we could be a matching pair) BUT she expected us to do nothing in helping her plan the wedding except look after her kids - a LOT. She said as we weren't much fun she was going to get another friend to plan her hen do, help her with decorations etc. Well I'm a chef & had just started a new 60/hr week job, my sister also works in hospitality & it was difficult to find time to see her & help her as she wanted. As my sis & I were both single at the time she expected us to be able to come at her beck and call, cut out the 1 morning a week we played sports together to do things for her, feed her kids & take time off work to do these things (but not actually do any of the bridesmaid stuff you'd expect, she had other friends to dress shop etc with!)

So suffice to say, eventually shit hit the fan, she refused to pay back the money my mother had lent her, and asked for more to put a deposit on a house (this was my mum's inheritance - her dad had just died! ) and when we explained that we wouldnt AT ALLbe able to do a full weekend hen do - 2 weekends off in August just isn't possible - got very angry, spiteful, bad-mouthing us to everyone.

We stopped speaking to her (who needs that kind of drama in their life! ) BUT we all missed her kids...

Recently due to a change of schedule I have been running into them a lot. C just ignores me (fine!!) But her almost-5y/o Daughter (Dne) keeps waving & shouting hello. I miss her, but everyone says these kids are collateral damage. It hurts this little girl so much, she sometimes cries when i dont speak to her.

I'm a new mom myself & the thought of making a little one cry is heart-breaking - but C doesn't want me to talk to her, she pulls Dne away & tells her to stop.....

Should I CO Dne and accept that she is collateral damage in this sorry affair? ?

You need to change your thinking.
You aren't cutting a 5 year-old out of ...

Posted
06/16/2016

You need to change your thinking.

You aren't cutting a 5 year-old out of your life. You are repecting a decision made by the 5 year-old's parent(s).

If the 5 year-old waves to you, smile and wave, but don't approach her or talk to her.

I had thought of it that way. I would expect my LO (little one) to do as I asked & others to respect that decision! My SO (significant other) told me that at that age a child pretty much IS it's parents, they aren't separate like 2 adults. I only try to ignore her because if I respond she tries to run over & starts squealing.

Sounds mean but as she's so young I am just waiting for Dne to forget me. I don't like to see her upset or being yelled at for trying to talk to someone that she had been told was someone to go to (and the amount of times that little girl has been told "leave mummy alone, go to OP/OP's sister it's no wonder she wants to come over!)

Poor little kid. Unfortunately thougth, if you don't have a relationship with the parent, you need to respect that parent's desire that you not have a relatiohsip with the minor child. Your cousin sounds like a selfish piece of work.

I guess it does seem 'enmeshed' to treat a cousin that way but my mother looked after her so often that my cousins were like. . . half-siblings. She desperately needed to pay a debt and came to mom for help. Big mistake but she believed she could trust her.

We definitely stayed away from their private dealings, but she chose to badmouth us as in proxy for our mother. Also we didnt WANT to surrogate to her children 3 days a week but felt duty bound to as she had a tendency to palm them off to ANYBODY if she didnt want to look after them for whatever reason.

Thank you bbc, I knew what I needed to do. I've been so damn emotional since having my DS (dear son) it was making me cry every time I saw them & I just needed the confirmation I think. My SO (significant other) said we would want our boy to obey us - whatever we told him - and for people around us to back it up, so to just suck it up! So I will!

It sucks big time. If she does say hello, I would just respond hello back and then keep going on with my day. You can't have a relationship with her but you don't have to ignore her and run. Say hi and walk away.

I very much disagree with the notion that kids are automatic collateral damage. It depends on the kids parents - some are ok with letting you still see the kids, others are not. Since she is not, wave, say hi, but not much more unless her mom allows it.

--

"Anyways, if you stopped tellin' people it's all sorted out after they're dead, they might try sorting it all out while they're alive”

I agree with others - wave back, but don't push.
I very much disagree wi...

Posted
06/17/2016

I agree with others - wave back, but don't push.

I very much disagree with the notion that kids are automatic collateral damage. It depends on the kids parents - some are ok with letting you still see the kids, others are not. Since she is not, wave, say hi, but not much more unless her mom allows it.

Thanks everyone. I just want her to stop! she gets Smacked round the legs every time she tries to say hello, and I get the death stare but the LO (little one) still wants to say hi to her auntie!

I think I'm just going to go with a middle-distance smile & hope we can all make the silent compromise on that....

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