Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Maternity pants are cute...on pregnant women. They are not so cute on women that had their baby seven months ago. Hence, Project Healthy.

I was going to call it Project Skinny, because my main goal is to lose twenty pounds. I changed my mind because this project needs to be more about lifestyle change than losing weight. I know how to get skinny. Crash dieting was one of the main activities in my sorority. However, that weight usually comes back, and I enjoy eating too much to go down that road again.

Project Healthy is starting with what will probably be my biggest challenge: NO MORE SODA. I drink an embarrassing amount of soda every day. It's truly shameful. I'm pretty much going cold turkey; I'm using coffee to fill the caffeine gap, but other than that...NO SODA. Because if I have one, I will have four. I need a support group and a sponsor.

Next Wednesday I will start Step Two: Goodbye Beef. Beef in itself is not bad, but every way I like to eat it is unhealthy. I forsee much ground turkey in my future.

Edited to add: Tiffani is getting healthy for 2010, too! Anyone else on board? There's nothing like support and accountability!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I don't know Brandy personally; we've never corresponded. However, I've read her blog for a long time, and when you follow some one's blog for awhile, you feel like you know them. Please send your kind thoughts and prayers her way. And as she says, tell someone you love how important they are to you.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He’s a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He’s the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He’s the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He’s a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He’s made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He’s listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He’s recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He’s the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I’m overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren’t sure what’s happening. He’ll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what’s going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as ‘brandy’s hot awesome dude’). If you don’t pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven’t seen it, google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I’m throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn’t a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It’s just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven’t already?

My Christmas Eve started how Christmas Eve should - with excessive drama and physical pain.

In the morning, the Peanut was chewing on my finger when all of the sudden I felt something sharp. After a few minutes of trying to figure out what the heck was in his mouth, I realized that the sharp was coming from his mouth. His first tooth had poked through, and my finger was bleeding.

Know what is awesome about teething babies? Nothing. They are fussy and whiny and only want mommy to hold them at all times. They also don't sleep well. In all of his first Christmas pictures, his facial expression ranges from "vaguely pissed off" to "screaming like a banshee." Oh Christmas memories!

None of this stopped me from proudly telling people that my son has his first tooth. I don't really understand why I am so proud because it's not like he really did anything. He didn't learn a new skill, he woke up one morning and something sharp was jabbing though his gum. Yet I am proud of my little dental wonder just the same.

In addition to the joys of teething, we had some additional drama to deal with. I wasn't directly involved, but I was definitely affected by it. I'm not going into it, but it sucked and it's far from over.

Then we made the trek to my parents' house. It was dark, windy, and snowy, three things that make me an incredibly nervous passenger. Throw in some curvy back roads and it's a recipe for anxiety! As we got closer, the headlights shone on a sign that said "Cemetery." Ah yes, Cemetery. As in, the cemetery in which my father is buried. Merry Effing Christmas.

It's the first Christmas without him and I'm just not sure how to deal. I feel guilty that the Peanut's first Christmas is colored by the sadness of my dad not being here. I feel a little jealous of my friends who have both of their parents still with them. But most of all, I just feel sad. I miss him every day, and at times my heart hurts so much that it stops me in my tracks.

The rest of the holiday time was better, despite my mother's attempts to be the Craziest Grandma Ever. I ate a lot, reached new levels of lazy, and watched Deadliest Catch to the point that I may never be able to eat seafood again. Now THAT is my kind of holiday.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Nothing says "Christmas" like staying up all night playing video games.

For some unknown reason, I still have my old Nintendo gaming system and most of my games. Because we are now on vacation, we're feeling the pressure to spend numerous hours being unproductive. Thus, we hooked up the NES.

Within minutes, the Hubs was online looking up the cheat code for Contra that gets you thirty lives (up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b,a, start - in case you were curious).

It's only 9pm, but I can tell you how this is going to go:

Numerous unhealthy snacks will be consumed. "Numerous" meaning a larger number than the ALREADY large number of unhealthy snacks consumed.

There will be much swearing, and at some point either the dog or the baby will be accidentally awakened.

In one to three hours, we'll have to make a Mt. Dew run so we can stay up and finish this last level.

Controllers will be thrown.

"I'm going to bed as soon as I beat this (boss, level, game)" will be said frequently.

Modern technology will be abused. This means we will go online to look up cheat codes (see above) and the best ways to beat various levels.

In a Mt. Dew induced frenzy, new-old Nintendo games will be ordered off of ebay.

Gifts will remain unwrapped, dishes unwashed, carpets unvacuumed. But Mario will save the Princess and Mike Tyson will be Punched Out.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Although his occasional bouts of douchiness do piss me off, they give me an opportunity to exercise one of my greatest skills. Listed on my resume between "proficient in Microsoft Office" and "experienced grant writer" is probably my greatest skill: "excellent at holding a grudge against husband well past the appropriate time."

I don't really remember what he got all pissy about (something about taking out the trash?), but all I know is EFF HIM I AM SLEEPING ON THE COUCH WAKE YOUR OWN SELF UP FOR WORK JERKOFF.

I also may clean the kitchen and take out the trash just to show him how much better I am than him at being a responsible adult and also life in general because I am awesome and he sucks.

DID YOU HEAR THAT? I AM AWESOME AND YOU SUCK.

This grudge will last until sometime tomorrow when the Hubs will look at me and say, "Really? You're still mad about that?" and then I will feel kind of stupid. Because honestly?

Monday, December 21, 2009

Today, I took my nephew to see The Princess and the Frog, because when it becomes to being an aunt, I am kind of a BAMF.

The movie was ok. I thought it was kind of...I dunno, weird maybe? that they finally have an African-American Disney Princess, and she spends most of the movie as a frog. It was fairly enjoyable, though, and Nephew loved it, which was the point of the whole thing.

Afterward, I had to go to Target, which I have officially renamed The Seventh Circle of Hell due to the ridiculous amount of people there. And of course, I was just there to get some tampons, but I got sucked into buying other things, because that's what Target/TSCOH does to you. I had to buy a Baby's First Christmas ornament for Peanut so I would not be a Bad Mom, and I still needed to gifts for my in-laws...$60 later I was out the door. Those were some expensive tampons.

Now that that mess is over, I really need to do the dishes and clean. However, I would really rather just sit in the recliner and crochet. That's all I want for Christmas, damn it.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I recently read a post on a message board where a woman in her twenties complained about being single. More specifically, she complained about the fact that "everyone" was married and she was not. And it! was! not! fair!

I have been married as many years and I have fingers on one hand. And I love it. The Hubs is amazing. A few months ago, we had our first child. I love being a mom. The Peanut is equally amazing. Overall, life is good and I feel blessed.

However, this life is not always what it is cracked up to be. As I write this post, I am home with a sick baby. Barney and Friends is on, I haven't showered, and I have a huge project to get done, oh like NOW, on which I am way behind. Hubs and I had a huge fight last night because at 10:30 pm he asked if I would mind baking cookies for the Christmas lunch at work - The lunch that was happening today. My suggestion of going to by some Soft Batch did not go over well. Peanut has been having explosive diarrhea, and every time he falls asleep, the dog barks and manages to wake him up. YAY FOR MARRIAGE AND BABIES!

I read blogs by some amazing women. Some of these women are single and child-free. They have great careers. They are able to do as they please - go to amazing parties, go out for drinks after work, go see a movie or concert whenever they feel like it. I get to go to Target when we're out of diapers. And sometimes, I get a little bit jealous of these ladies because their lives seem much more exciting and glamorous than mine.

I know this post is sounding complainy, but that's not really my intent. I wouldn't trade my life for anything. I just want to let all the beautiful single girls out there know that this is a great time in your life, so embrace it! Go out and have fun, and don't worry about marriage and kids just yet. Enjoy your freedom and have some adventures! Because believe it or not, you will miss your singlehood when it is gone.

And for those of us fortunate enough to be happily married and/or with children, we have to remember to be thankful for what we have, even on the fighting, no sleep, explosive diarrhea days. Because they are precious too, and there are lots of people who would love to have what we have.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

What? you ask. How could that be!? I can already tell from the short life of this blog that you are supremely likable.

All I can say is: I know. I'm shocked, too.

Anyway, this person doesn't like me. I'm not entirely sure why, it's not that we know each other all that well. This person is a friend of a friend, so I see them somewhat often. They've never come out and said they don't like me, not even to said mutual friend, but I just KNOW I'm not liked. I am fluent in passive aggressive. I'm married, after all.

I've decided to deal with this person by being as absolutely nice as I can be whenever I see them. I am full of smiles and compliments. How have you been! Love your shirt! Here, want half of my Snickers bar?

Do I do this because I really want to be this person's friend? Do I do this in the hopes that my sweet and sunny personality will win this person over, and they will suddenly become Team Me?

No. I do it just to bother PWDLM (Person Who Doesn't Like Me). They already dislike me for no discernible reason. Why give them a reason? It's more fun to be nice and watch them squirm. And if this person were to complain about me to someone else, what are they going to say? That I complimented their sweater? How mean!

Being this nice to someone who so obviously doesn't like me brings me so much pleasure, I almost feel like a jerk for doing it. No wonder they can't stand me.

Friday, December 11, 2009

I have a disease. It's really a pretty serious illness. Not a lot of people want to talk about it, because of the shame that is attached the disease. But today I have decided to be brave and talk about my illness.

I have Drive-Thru Amnesia.

Yes, it's true.

When I order my food in the drive-thru, the person on the other side will say, "Ok, that will be $5.16. Please pull around to the second window." And then, IT HAPPENS.

I immediately forget the window at which I am supposed to stop. Was it the first window? The second? Do I sit at the first window and wait? Do I drive up to the second window and hope they will let me pay there, even if I'm wrong?

It's not easy living with Drive-Thru Amnesia. I have learned to depend on visual cues and lucky guesses when going through the drive-thru. Despite my illness, I am still driving-thru at least twice a week. I won't let Drive-Thru Amnesia hold me back from enjoying a delicious Dunkin' Donut. And I won't let Drive-Thru Amnesia stand in the way of those delicious McDonald's fries that will probably give me heart disease.

This fine piece of reality programming is MTV's newest show in which a bunch of people are thrown in a house to see what happens when people stop being polite yadda yadda yadda. Except unlike the Real Worlds of recent years, this show is awesome. AWESOME, I tell you. It's Keeping Up With the Kardashians awesome. Fist-pumping awesome.

This should tell you everything you need to know about my taste in television.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Yeah, I've done this before. I've even maintained a blog for an extended period of time. But they all seem to fall by the wayside. After some deep analysis and self-reflection, I've figured out why.

I am a bad blogger. I suck at blogging. I don't always post regularly, I forget to respond to emails, and I don't keep up with my comments.

I am a bad member of the blogging community. I'll read your blog, but I won't remember to comment on it. I'll join blogging communities and not contribute anything to them. I'll set up a Twitter account and forget to update it.

Why am I starting a blog all over again? Despite all of my shortcomings in regards to blogging, there's something inside that needs to come out. I need to write, even if it is just about the mundane details of my life. And they are mundane. Brace yourself.

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Who sucks?

I'm hopelessly addicted to pop music and reality television. I am a sometimes adoring wife to my husband, and before the year is out I'll be a mom to two kids under two. So basically, I'm crazy. Throw in a full-time job and a blog, and well...sometimes things get messy. Stick around for the train wreck! Email me at ireallysuckatthis {at} gmail {dot} com.