It’s official. Australia are now only average as a cricketing side.. They’ve had their pants pulled down and been spanked by an abusive father. It hurts kids, but get used to it! This is what being a The England fan is all about!

The reasons for their collapse are many. They lost two champions in McGrath & Warne, and any side would struggle after losing them. They also seem to be moving into the old The England selection mentality, by chopping and changing players in the same way Zsa Zsa Gabor changes husbands.

Here is my in-depth, hard-hitting, journalistic reasoning for the current series loss.

Hayden is old and fucking stupid, so deserves to burn in the fiery depths of hell.

Katich should probably be captain, and remember to stop chasing really wide ones.

Punter needs to concentrate on his batting, it’s the only thing the boy does well. He’s a fucking useless captain.

Hussey should be replaced by his brother, until he remembers how to score runs.

Pup Clarke to move up the order, and stick as vice captain.

Andrew Symonds is a prize cock and needs to fuck off and get fit, both physically and mentally.

Brad Haddin, one thinks, should have a long look at himself, and realise it’s not Adam Gilchrist in the reflection. Stop it you fucking cud chewing cowcock.

Brett Lee. Shoot the damn dog. Shit, shit, shit.

Mitchell Johnson is their only decent bowler at present, and needs to be left as a shock not stock bowler.

Nathan Hauritz is not good enough to trouble the North Midd 4th XI, so why he’s playing for the “Number One” side in the world, I’ll never know?!

Peter Sizzle wants to spend a season playing first class cricket for Victoria. Has real potential, but no way near enough experience..

Their is a bleak outlook for Australia for the near future. I predict a three nil drubbing at home, and am pretty confident, that they’ll win fuck all in South Africa. Not the best preperation for an ashes tour.

Check back later for my appraisal of the South Africa side, and Suave’s Suavest 2008 XI.

UPDATE!

After reading mediawatch, the daily news column of Football365.com, I found something to delight me further, even though I feel like dog turd.

Australia: Their Year In Sport
Rugby Union: Beaten in September’s Tri-Nations final.

Rugby League: Beaten by New Zealand in September’s World Cup final – a shock result described as the ‘most significant upset in the history of international rugby league’.

Cricket: Beaten in India and then on home soil by South Africa – their first series defeat in Austraila for 16 years.

Oh yeah, just wait you… Ballsinher, Milfinhouse and Bonnie will crush the Saffers in Sydney and then in Safferland and finally they will win the Ashes for the first time overseas in four years and we’ll see who’s shite then… Don’t forget who beat NZ and WI in 2008! WI overseas too! Who’s Number 1! Who’s Number 1!

i hope england selectors are watching this burning, sinking ship and get their picks right by the ashes. and the picks don’t include the sherminator or matty prior. i would add monty too but apparently he is only hopeless against india. and simon jones needs to be back. someone who can make the ball sing and dance.

Thanks kids. Although I now have The Gris’ flu, so am wrapped up in a duvet, not feeling anything now! Hopefully, I’ll feel better once I’ve got drugs, and copious amounts of them, in my system! THen I’ll be writing more hard hitting shit!

Well said as usual. How Hayden has saved his place for Sydney I will never know. If the selectors are too stupid to keep him, he should man up and quit. The rest of the world never want to see him bat again.