Vocoder technology adds gravitas to young 'wannabe' MPs

The world of politics is an alluring one to most young people - a glamorous world, full of fame, second homes and undisclosed incomes. To make it in this world there are certain skills required - a lack of modesty, a frumpy style , a voice like an angry bear. But for every vocal starlet that makes it into the halls of power, hundreds are left by the wayside; their dreams broken, instead of their promises.

That could be about to change. Thanks to advances in audio technology, a new belligerent 'vocoder' can transform even the most delicate of voices into the overbearing braying of a cabinet minister.

Jenny Waldgrave is really excited at the news, and spoke of the miracle device in hushed tones. "At first glance, people have often mistaken me for an aspiring MP", whispered 23 year-old Jenny. "I'm 3-stone overweight, I borrow clothes from my gran, I even cut my own hair, using a breadknife."

"Sadly, the illusion is shattered when I open my mouth, I'm cursed with the voice of an angel", sobbed Jenny. "When I think of the endless evenings I've spent practicing...sitting next to the TV, trying again and again to talk over Paxman, only to find myself drowned out by the sound of my own pulse...this vocoder could answer my prayers. It gives me new hope, a chance to live my dream, so that I may dash the hopes and dreams of others."

Soft-voiced Westminster Wannabes are queuing in patient silence for the new device, before leaving in a chorus of deafening, self-satisfied snorts. "This sort of breakthrough would never have happened under a Labour government", roared Bellamy Altrop, a natural falsetto and Young Conservative. "This new horsey bellow spews a lack of style over my lack of substance. To finally have a shot at candidacy…I can’t tell you how much this means to me. At least not from this range, you’d go deaf. My career is about to take off, I’ll shout it from the highest office to the lowest prole. No end of people have told me I'm unbelievable.”

Inventors claim the vocoder can bring a new lease of life to older, more established politicians. Ed Miliband has been working with technicians to perfect a series of Blair covers. “Ed is a great impressionist, he’s recently mastered Blair’s hand gestures, vacant smile and ability to blink occasionally”, explained one industry insider. “But the vocoder is a real boon, you can make every word sound as hollow as the real thing. We’re expecting him to draw in a huge crowd: in principle, he’s already sold out.”