So you want to work in the games industry, do you? Well, who wouldn't? Long hours. Poor pay. The constant threat of being laid off, and spat out into an unfamiliar and unpredictable job market, with no easily transferrable skills (unless you count bitterness, resentment, and a depleted fight-or-flight response).

But hey - at least you get to tell everyone you work in the games industry, and can laugh along with them as you become the butt of everyone's jokes at parties and family gatherings.

With that in mind, just what sort of roles are available to those who wish to work in gaming? We've compiled a list of some of the jobs you might choose to aim for.

GAMES TESTERAn entry-level position for many who wish to get into the industry, the games tester is one of the most poorly-paid and demeaning jobs in the developed world, second only to being the man who cleans out Gerard Depardieu's lunch trough.

Games testers are required to be in the office at 4am every morning, rarely getting to leave until gone midnight. Once they arrive for the day, they are forced at spear-point to descend into shallow mudpits, and prevented from escaping by a burly mute in a vinyl lamprey costume, who is known as Jambo Pelm.

The only thing games testers are given to eat from dawn to dusk - to sustain them through those relentless and gruelling hours of testing - is a handful of small, brittle fossils, wrapped in parma ham, and drizzled with a mysterious, sour oil. Should they not finish their meal (which is served to them on a dirty polystyrene ceiling tile) they will be stripped semi-nuddy, dragged into the middle of the nearest bluebell glade, and ridiculed by a coterie of their peers.

Potentially the most destabilising aspect of being a games tester is the constant threat from your bosses of "Bronk's arrival", if you fail to perform your role adequately. Who or what Bronk is will never be explained, but it shall be heavily implied that the arrival of Bronk is something to be feared. "Do your job good or you'll regret it bad when Bronk arrives" is a sign that hangs in the foyer of most games development studios.

With those sorts of working conditions, it is little wonder that so many games are released full of bugs.

GAMES JOURNALISTFor many young gamers, being a journalist seems like a dream job - getting to play games all day, and being paid to give your opinions, without needing any actual convictions, or any particular grasp of written English. Regrettably, the reality is very different.

Most games journalists live on a constant knife edge, being required to get the balance between appearing independent and principled, while not upsetting too many apple carts.

Giving a major game a low review score can result in devastating retribution by PR people - it is not uncommon for games journalists to be dragged from their beds, bundled into the back of an unmarked van, and driven to a remote warehouse, where they will be flagellated by a cackling, pilled-up twerp, armed with a length of knotted twine. Others have been shouldered into alleyways, and been furiously towelled off using a nylon swatch.

PR PERSONMany see public relations as a glamorous profession, but when it comes to games industry PR, glamour rarely comes into it.

Professional games PR people are forced to travel door-to-door, extolling the virtues of the gaming they so hate to anyone who doesn't immediately slam their door shut. Many are so worn down by the constant rejection that they have taken to hissing their message through letterboxes and gaps in french doors, while weeping openly.

In extreme cases, they've been known to scrawl gaming propaganda on their naked torsos, and press them desperately against windows, whilst the people within attempt to eat their dinners, or wash their dogs. For many, this has resulted in literally pushing their internal organs past their spines, causing their coccyx to distend in a condition known as "PR pot back".

INDEPENDENT GAMES DEVELOPERFor some, being employed within the games industry is just too much, so they seek to take an independent route, producing games without having a boss, Jambo Pelm, or Bronk, belching clouds of moist carbon dioxide down their napes. Being self-employed may appear to be a life of leisure - take holidays when you want, choose your own hours - but in truth, it is perhaps more stressful than any other gaming role.

Most independent games developers choose to work on projects which are personal to them in some way - digging deep into their broken souls to dredge up their most traumatic memories, for the purposes of turning them into a cutesy platform game, or bleak choose-your-own-adventure. This has resulted in titles such as I Wet Myself At School Quest, Super Daddy Never Loved Me Brothers, and Penis: Penis-Penis.

Unfortunately, few of these games are the sorts of things anybody in their right mind would want to play, which means that years of development rarely results in a big pay day. By the time most independent games are released, their developers have been reduced to selling parts of their body to German cannibals (starting with their hair, fingernails and teeth - which are typically used as ingredients in aphrodisiac casseroles during abominable Teutonic sex rituals).

OFFICE YOWERIAs most of us are aware, the majority of games developers traditionally employ someone to dress as the president of Uganda, Yoweri Museveni.

The Office Yoweri is typically suspended from ceilings via a special harness and track system, pulling himself around the office to inspire workers with quotes from the real-life Museveni: "When I was the minister of Defence in 1979/80, my in-laws used to bring me milk and flour from Buhweju - that was my food since the salary was not enough to buy food in Kampala"; "Africa is tired of leaders who cling to power against the wishes of the masses"; "Politicians here in Africa do not have a good reputation".

To counterbalance Museveni's homophobia - in 2014, when asked if he disliked homosexuals, he responded by saying "I never knew what they were doing, but I've been told recently that what they do is terrible, disgusting." - the Office Yoweri must intermittently quote articles from the Ugandan gay rights activist John "Longjones" Abdallah Wambere.

So true. Every wannabe games journalist should be forced to eat this article. Navally.

Reply

Nokia3310

14/7/2015 07:18:48 pm

This made me chuckle.
Mr Biffo, how did you develop the ability to incorporate such bizzare imagery into your pieces?
You seem to just come with this stuff so easily.
I'd be grateful if you could share some tips on how to write creatively.
Thanks.

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Mr Smith

15/7/2015 01:19:28 am

After a lifetime of reading old Digitiser, watching Monty Python, and absorbing the surreal creations of other visionaries such as Dali, Lynch and Yodorowsky, your brain wires end up being refunelled into a formation which produces its own such warped content.

In short: watch El Topo 6 or 7 times in succession, and keep reading Digi, and you'll train yourself into becoming a Loyal Biffo-ite.

It's like my third wife, who convinced herself she could live off eating air. After several years of attempting to do so she finally starved to death. I was very sad.

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Nokia3310

15/7/2015 07:45:27 pm

Thanks for the tips Smith. I'll look into those things.

Mr Biffo

15/7/2015 03:59:13 pm

Are you a Digi2000 sponsor, Nokia? I could try talking about it in a video. Cheers for the nice words, though.

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Nokia3310

15/7/2015 07:43:02 pm

You're welcome, Biffo. I'm not a sponsor since I'm a jobless bum at the moment. But I could do a one off donation. It doesn't even need be a video, a small writeup with a few helpful hints would be much appreciated.
I've been following Digi since the Teletext days and you (and your fellow writers) always nailed it with the bizzare and surreal stuff. I've tried to imitate the way you expertly weave completely unrelated things into a common subject (in this case video games), but I just end up hitting a roadblock. I guess, I just want to find out how I can begin to develop a mind that is capable of producing writing that is very strange, but entertaining to read.

I bought Penis: Penis-Penis when it came out on early access a few months back and immediately regretted my purchase. 4/10.

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Terry Nutkins

15/7/2015 07:16:10 am

I'm skeptical these descriptions are accurate.

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lilock3

15/7/2015 08:30:09 am

Damn it! If only games testers got Parma Violets instead of parma ham then that would be the perfect job for me. Yet again I think I've found my true calling in life, only to have it snatched away from me by cured meats!

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Acid Arrow

15/7/2015 01:55:27 pm

The tragedy is that before becoming mute (due to fruit-based psychological trauma), Jambo Pelm had the most beautiful singing voice in all of Wapping.