Our protagonist, Austin, has the most sensitive male genitalia in the world. I believe the whole package may be sentient, give it time. It gets hard at the sight of hot guys, and his testicles can feel things, like the voices of hot guys. So much so that there are times when I believe that the main character should be Austin’s Package – the other body parts attached to our star are just extra bits that are along for the ride.

Despite the fact that his package can feel sonic vibrations and tingle like an orchestra in motion, Austin himself is a bit of a surly tit. In this story, he has been friends with benefits all this while with Vinnie, whom he met when Vinnie modeled while Austin was doing his “Mom, I’m an artist, I am sensitive!” gig. When the story opens, Austin is miffed because Vinnie is back in town after doing various obligations, but Vinnie is too busy to give Austin some chocolate pudding. Austin doesn’t understand why Vinnie is often needed by other people as, in his own words, Vinnie is the “least charismatic” person ever. Fortunately, there is a new model in town, a “mountain man” called Sean, who is willing to be at Austin’s beck and call whenever Austin wants sex be in a relationship with Austin. So oh, who should Austin choose in the end? Oh, decisions, decisions.

Love Me Like a Rock is like a rejected script of the Eating Out franchise, only with any effort of humor or likable protagonists forcefully ejected from the proceedings. The whole thing is just so superficial, as Austin is basically picking his “true love” based on which guy that would be able to put out to him 24/7. He shows little concern or empathy for other people; it’s all about his throbbing dong and twitching testicles. Then again, to be fair, Vinnie is a bit of a selfish twat too while Sean is a one-dimensional trophy for Austin, one who will always put out when Austin gets the itch. The author practices democracy when it comes to spreading the ugh factor among her characters.

So, who ends up with Austin? Well, who cares. If anything, I hope Austin and his boyfriend will soon meet the business end of Celine Dion‘s tour bus.