Behold the unfortunate tale of Mouthless the Wanderer and his crippling fear of spiders, featuring Jeff the Sheep.

Spelunking with Spiders

“Please, no spiders. No spiders…”

Mouthless’s eyes widened as he peered at the gaping cave entrance, eager to get inside and start mining away. If he could just sneak around the entrance and find some iron, gold then he’d be able to keep his shop in town stocked and he’d get rich without facing any of the wretched spiders known to surface around these parts. Empire Minecraft’s own hard-working, spelunking, mega-mall owner, Mouthless thought, and he imagined whatever a smirk would feel like paving its away across his face. I like the sound of that.

“Baa baaa’a a baaa ba baaaaa?” Jeff the Sheep said, prodding Mouthless to get a move on with a tap of his knee by his hoof.

Mouthless awoke in his bed – his blue, rectangular eyes wide with excitement, the feeling of butterflies in his stomach, and the lyrics to Slade’s ‘Merry Christmas’ in his head. This could only mean one thing…

“IT’S CHRIIISSSSTTTMMMMAASSSS!” he screamed, jumping off his bed and slipping; hitting his chin on the hard, cold floor. He let out a yelp, scrambling onto his feet. His Christmas hat bobbed in the air as he did so. He made a mad dash for the coat hanger.

“Come on, come on, come on. Where is it?” he muttered to himself as he searched for his Santa jacket. He looked down. “Oh.”, he said, realizing he was already wearing it. He ran to the door, punching it wide open and straining its hinges. He put his black boots into the cold snow and smiled.

“It’s Christmas.” he said with excitement. “It’s really here.”. He sunk his boots deeper into the white snow and wiggled his toes. “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S CHRISTMAS!”.

Nothing. Just the ‘baaa’ of a nearby sheep atop the hill he lived in.

“Oh, shut up, Jeff.” he shouted, turning around. “I bet you didn’t get anything for Christmas! You’re just a sheep!”. He punched the air.

Jeff looked over the hill, down to Mouthless. He raised an eyebrow. Atleast, it looked like he did. He picked up a present in his mouth.

“Baaaa.”

“Well, yeah. OK. You did. But still – you’re just a stupid sheep. It’s not like it’s going to be anything good.” Mouthless said to Jeff, his blocky neck beginning to feel the strain of looking upwards. Jeff kicked snow onto Mouthless’s face. “You probably just got grass, or something… Now where is everybody?”.

He ran towards a staircase he had constructed himself that lead up to his Christmas tree. “Be like Sonic.” he said, still running. “Gotta go fast.”.

He ran up the stairs, stumbling multiple times as he did so. He reached the top, panting. The bobble of his Santa hat hit his face. He blew it out of the way and raised his head, still leaning on his knees.

“Oh my…” he said, gasping for breath out of excitement and his fifty meter jog. “I can’t believe it.”

There, splayed out under the tree, was an assortment of presents. The wrapping paper was red and green. He stood there in shock, raising himself up. He couldn’t wait to open them. He bathed in the excitement for a moment. What would he get? A new set of diamond armor? A new diamond sword? A clock? Maybe he could even get that Ore Buster he’d always wanted…

A vibration tickled his feet. He took a step forward. The vibration intensified, continuing for about two seconds before the stairs began to shake violently. That was when he realized; there wasn’t any snow. Someone had been here before and done something that they needed to clear snow for. But what did they do…?

The ground exploded beneath Mouthless’s feet. He was sent hurtling to the right, his eyes wide with shock. The person had rigged TNT under the bridge.