35 thoughts on “Narcissists Hate Seeing You Happy”

Tink

November 8, 2017 at 7:20 am

It’s a very heartbreaking situation for any children of the narcissist. As an adult of narcissistic parents and mother of five, I will never understand the jealousy and envy my mother shows me whenever I show any happiness or contentment with my life. What mother would not want her children to be happy? Isn’t that the whole point of raising children? Raising healthy, happy, productive adults? I can’t explain how hurtful it is to have your own mother demean and belittle you and your children for being happy with life, no matter what life is throwing your way at the time. It’s sick and childish and extremely damaging.

Tink: I completely agree. What mother doesn’t want the best for their child? Looking back at my childhood as an example, my mother wanted more for the siblings (my older brother and my youngest sister) who responded to her controlling personality. My twin sister and I were the difficult ones. We actually had our own brains and opinions, so we were punished constantly – just for that. We’d ask questions about our mother’s sanity but were told to shut up and not to rock the boat. It was ridiculous. However, in the meantime, we did try to do our best and it was pretty damn good. We blew our other siblings out of the water when it came to grades and sports. And, I think if we had failed, then we would have been more accepted. What we constantly find is that we attract similar people like our parents, lazy, critical and ones who use us and our ideas, then take all the credit. This is a pattern I have identified in my life and am trying to break it by attracting stellar people who practice excellence, accountability and transparency.In business affairs, I’ve had to cut business ties with lazy people. OF course they got angry, (I sign in itself) but I look at the facts – one guy did nothing he was contracted to do for six months! Nothing. The weird part is the contract was over and he still got mad. I guess he was afraid I’d sue him. And I should have. But I don’t like doing that dance of revenge.

I agree with Cassie. Get out if you can. It doesn’t get better. If you can’t find help, learn ways to handle the craziness. You may have to seat yourself as his boss at home. In business these people have to defer to a boss and the boss knows how to handle his type. Spent 31 years with mine, he only had one friend, I wasn’t it. I kept him in line, it was like raising another child. Will never do that again in this or the next life. He hated seeing me happy so I kept my happiness to myself when he was around. What kind of life is that

Just comming out of a 30 year marriage to a malignant narcicst. It feels like I am an earthquake victim that has been found , rescued and brought to the surface to breathe. I did not know of thus term, I thought it was my imagination,

Sophia, I am the same. 30 year difficult marriage. Best decision I ever made was to finally (finally!) divorce him. I have been FREE for 25 years now. When he died, about 12 yrs. ago, was when true freedom came.

It is impossible to escape a narcissist’s abuse when you have children with him. The smear campaign is the most detrimental. Not only to complete strangers get fed lies and horrific stories, my children (two sons) have heard and hear all the disgusting lies. I feel like I cannot crawl out from under the sewage he spews and my sons are beginning to disrespect females, and other people, mimicking their dad’s sick and twisted behavior.

Cassie, get a good lawyer who can argue the case that your sons are being lied to about their mother and that it’s colouring their view of women. This is considered child abuse if it’s not true. If you don’t do something now, then you are part of the problem and you will add two more misogynist men to the world who will cause more pain to women. Get full custody now and get them into therapy. You know it’s happening, do something about it!

That’s my mother! She never once tried to cheer me on. When I did something well, she tried to copy it or sabotage it. For example, the last time my children and I were at my parent’s, I made a dessert for everyone that I have been working on for years. The next evening she ‘tried’ to make the exact same dessert. She brought to us like it was a surprise ‘Look what surprise I made you’. My dad just looked at me awkwardly, like ‘Is this okay?’ But it wasn’t okay. It was embarrassing. It was insulting and petty. She had this stupid smug smile on her face. My entire childhood was made up of this kind of thing. She would get rid of anything that made me happy – pets, plants, toys. Everything was about her. Anyway, I haven’t been back there for years. I can safely say I won’t miss her when she’s gone.

do we have the same mother?????????????
They all do the same, crazy rubbish. But doing it to a child? It is evil. Pure and simple. At least as an adult I could come back at her….but as a kid, what could I do? Well. I stayed in my bedroom till I was 18 and then left. Only, I didn’t leave. Carried her with me in my head. Only no contact started me on my path to healing.

My Mother is a covert narcissist, all my life her vicious put downs robbed me of any self esteem and confidence,and I subsequently married a sociopath who continued the abuse and scapegoating,which I thought I deserved.
My grown up daughter who was always defiant and bossy from a young age has all the same characteristics as my Mother and Husband. I do not have a normal relationship with her,she has used me up and now has thrown me
under the bus!.
Life is lonely but at least I can live in peace

It’s amazing how once we can detach from these emotionally destructive people our life improves. I agree with Tia, my parents have thrown me under the bus- I would rather be thrown under the bus then to have their toxic fumes in my life. Be glad your done with the narcissist- go live your life on your own terms and be happy! My heart goes out to everyone dealing with this!

I sometimes have the urge to seek revenge and sometimes even approval (which I will never get from them, my dr told me), but I know it will only drag me in deeper into the mess. They pit each sibling against each other. No matter how hard I tried, I was never good enough. But the ironic part is the harder I tried the more jealous they got and the more vengeful they got. When I was getting married my dad kept his promise to NOT pay for my wedding. We had a civil ceremony and a small dinner after ward. I didn’t complain. Until, my brother had two beautiful weddings (yes, two! One abroad and one here!) a few years later. All these people were invited and he and his wife had planned and was getting everything I ever wanted in a wedding – the white gown, the church, the reception. Why? I just couldn’t understand why? What did I do that was so horrible not to deserve what most girls get? It was just so sick. The whole time I was sad, but my brother was gloating. He always got twice as much as me. One wedding would make me jealous, but two made me so, so hurt, and humiliated. But I had to keep up a front. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and revealed to my mom how my brother sexually abused my sister. Without a blink she said, Well, now he’s married and he can do that to his wife. That said, we went of to the church service. She probably said to herself that I was trying to ruin it. Maybe I was, because of the rage and injustice I felt. It was all so evil, and none of them belonged in that church. The whole time my brother had this smug look on his face, kind of like when he finished the last of my favourite cereal right in front of me when we were kids. That’s how they got away with this crap because it was so horrendous that nobody would believe it. And they were so evil they would make things up about us to justify their abuse and selfishness.
I, too, suffer from envy. But I think it stems from being constantly put down compared to my siblings. I was, indeed, the scapegoat so got the brunt of the attacks – physical and psychological. I have to snap myself out of it when I see someone doing better than me, and know that jealousy is a sign that that’s what I want and I need to work for to achieve it, not take the success away from someone else by being bitter and vengeful. But on the other hand I think I stop myself from success because I get this horrible feeling that they will (as they have) somehow get involved and sabotage me and my efforts. That’s the truly frightening part. In the past I’ve got emails out of the blue from my mother trying to cause a stir over nothing. Those are the times I am frightened of.
I’ve never been a religious person, but I have been spiritual. I do pray and truly believe that God was the only one who got me through some of those horrific times. He was there when I felt so alone. I don’t have many friends because I understandably have trust issues, but I love my daughters and try to do everything I can for them. I want my daughters to do better than I did. That’s how parents should feel about their children. They should make their lives easier, not try to tear them down.

Your story is very heartbreaking. I’m so sorry you’re surrounded by people like that in your life. But I want you to know that I think it’s wonderful that you prioritize being a good mom to your daughters. You’re the winner. You, Lisa. 🙂

Thank you. It’s a year later and I feel better about myself. I’m finally starting to seperate myself from my family. It makes me feel better to say that empathy just skipped a generation because my father’s parents were very supportive of me. My mom’s family was messed up, so maybe that permeated into the rest of the family.
Just keep with the good positive energy.

Lisa, we dealt with the same. We left that fake loving family that sat in church worshipping their version on a god 6 years ago, while they continually attacked mine. Probably started because about 30 years ago I let the grandfather know he could eat shit and piss up a rope when he decided to make fun of me in front of others, thinking I would take it to keep peace in his family that I married into. Didn’t go like the old geezer planned. It happens. They hate me but pretend they’re full of love to all their flying monkeys. I took their daughter, my wife, with me. Never looked back. My wife is a twin, and her sister can’t stand my straight honest you’re-a-bastard approach. The sister is the real narcissist, but the Mom is right up there. Also, and this is what infuriates them, I just don’t care now. Gone fishing, and living.

Does anyone else on here have a problem with voicing their opinions and ideas on social media then dealing with any subsequent responses? I have it in my head that I’ll ruin my career if I say anything a bit edgy, even though it’s how I truly feel. This sounds sad, but once I do say something and someone actually responds in a positive way, then I respond, I get antsy when they stop a conversation we’ve been having and don’t respond to my post. I’m so afraid I said something wrong or offensive. Is that weird and desperate?
Have any of you overcome anxiety? If so, how?

When I started writing my blog and making videos years ago, I had some similar worries. I was also socially anxious growing up and it took me A LOT of self-work to get to a place where these things don’t elicit anxiety anymore.

The thing is, even if one is rational, reasonable, respectful, helpful, caring, considerate, and so on, there will be people who disagree or dislike whatever you’re saying or doing. Especially on the Internet—which seems to be even worse these days. A lot of people are so quick to act out their unresolved issues by attacking others, trolling, purposefully “misunderstanding,” “outing,” going on witch hunts, or being mean to others in other ways.

That said, at the end of the day, whoever they are, they’re just people on the Internet. Not to say that they are “less human,” but they are not your family or friends or people you really care about or care about you. Most interactions on social media are not that important on a greater scale of things. Also, you have some control over your online environment, so you can choose where to interact with people or block people who are being toxic.

People will think what they will think. Some will like you and will be respectful to you. Others will dislike or ignore you. Many of them have the same worries and anxieties that you do, so they are preoccupied with that. There are many possible reasons why someone may not respond to your comment. One of them may be that they think what you said is inconsiderate or incorrect. But there are many other possible reasons, too.

It seems you are generally afraid of people having a negative reaction to you, so I would suggest working on that. It’s a learned reaction to a social environment, so resolving the initial, underlying issue and retraining yourself to react differently would help tremendously.

Meanwhile, if you can endure and get more comfortable with the thought of someone disliking or misunderstanding you—and trust yourself that you will be okay even if they dislike you—you will become increasingly more resilient to it.

It’s funny how, these days, if you experience a perceived rejection you automatically thinks it’s because the ‘rejecter’ read a comment you made on your twitter and was suddenly so horrified about you that he decided he wanted no more to do with you.

Good points! I am sympathetic because I am like MK – or used to be. When I began to understand my own dysfunctions (people pleaser, always agreeable, non confrontational), I started to enjoy commenting on different sites. I had to learn who I was, what I thought on controversial subjects. At first when people attacked me, I was upset for days! I didn’t mind logical arguments, but trolls would call me an idiot, or senile, or ascribe beliefs to me that were not true.
I find that this helps me a lot and I would encourage others to do the same. It’s good practice for standing up for yourself, and for quickly disengaging those who are not seriously interested in debate. Having different positions on a topic is fine. Trying to control the discussion with epithets and profanity is not.
I do have a strict rule of no politics on Facebook. These friends are for support and encouragement, not honing debate skills.

Hi I have just came out of a 12yr relationship which now I understand he was/is a narcisstic man,reading lots of posts online has made me understand what these people are capable of,I am early stages but now know after the 1000th time I know to keep my distance,with no contact or communication,I do have a question though,are narcisstic folk born this way,or do they learn to be nasty and calculating,to me its like the lights on but no one’s home,its their world and that’s it,do they learn this behaviour from childhood,or is it some kind of mental illness,or is there no explanation at all,it would be interesting to know why they are like the way they are,Liz

Yes, my Narcopath hates me and yes, I am happy. He’s a sibling, which is good: I haven’t lived with him for decades. It’s also bad: the family dynamic lives on, honed to precision since infancy. How sad for dysfunction to be born in tragedy (deaths of other siblings), and require the death of parents to end the misery of a life entwined with a Narcopath.
Perhaps the saddest part is that all the signs were there – in hindsight – but we didn’t know what it was until it was too late. It was too late to save his family. Too late to save my parents’ financial legacy.
But not too late to save myself.

Just watched “the mask” fall off of my husband after 25 years together. I can’t believe That I fell in Love with a person that doesn’t exist. Still going thru, shock disbelief, until I stumbled onto this website. Thank you all for having the courage to discuss this insidious disorder. I can see everything as plain as day now.

Even natural joy and exuberance of the small child is a threat to the narcissist mother. She had to (and did) find many devious ways to ‘bring me down’. Curiously, my golden sibling (who has had everything she wanted lavished on her – is a very miserable and envious person – so my sister also has to join in with the ‘bringing down’.) You are right – they HATE to see anybody happy – but for the Scapegoat to be happy, despite their best efforts -( for me disownment, dis-inherited, stolen from, lied to, smeared, kicked when I was down (lost count of how many times that has happened) destroys THEM – IT REALLY DOES. And I did not have to do a single thing. Which is kind of poetic justice in a way. For me, no contact (nearly 2 years) has been a time of grieving, seeing what I have lost and coming to terms with it. It’s working. I am happier than ever – stay away from people who do not want the best for you and crap on your joy – ESPECIALLY if it’s your own family. It is NOT NORMAL. Thank you for your very interesting post.

Your article was very interesting and helped me realize that I believe my husband fits this description. He seems to be an unhappy man that comes from within since I met him 10 years ago. He has even made comments that he can’t stand happy people. He is always saying how he can’t understand how someone can be so happy go lucky all the time when he feels that his life is a constant struggle. I am working on my Bachelor’s Degree in Social Work and I include him in my plans with school most of the time. He seems to acknowledge me about anything to do with school, but then almost instantly changes the subject as if he doesn’t care. We get into many fights because I get so tired of hearing him criticizing me, the kids, or anyone else that he wants to bitch about. I believe that it does make him feel better about himself by putting us down. He is always criticizing the guys that he works with. You can tell it makes him feel better when he bitches about certain guys at his workplace. Sometimes I think that he does not appreciate me because he acts like he is better than me. I don’t know for sure, but your article was informative and I think you nailed it! Thanks!

wow what a eye opener to me.i was in one of these damaging relationships for 4 yrs.he slowly and cleaverly nearly ruined me to the extent that I questioned myself to be wrong in everything.he called me behind my bk and I was left with little friends and I shut myself away in fear.iam just coming bk to life and slowly building my confidence back as he even tried to plan to put my son into care.an evil man.in the end I phoned the police who are now going to prosecute him and get a injuction out on him.i will find myself again but it will take time.

I grew up with a narcissistic mother, obviously did not know that was the case until much much later in life after moving far away for 30 yrs. I knew I had to come home and be around my family, I knew the secret to why I felt so worthless and ashamed, lay within the family dynamic.
I’d spent my entire life trying to make myself invisible in the company of certain women, building their confidence downplaying any compliments directed at me, women scared me, particular women, who I now realise were also narcissist, on reflection that is.
As I reflected on my relationship with two of my sisters, one thing stood out clearly. I had to play invisible in their company, I had to never confront them when they tried to drag me down and hurt me, experience had taught me, that do to that, I would be character assassinated and everyone believed it, even my favourite brother.
They were jealous of my closeness to my brother and destroyed our relationship. I took one of those sisters under my wing in my late teens, she had lost all her friends due to her vicious tongue, but she was my sister, I believed it was my role to look after her.
She bad mouthed me to my friends and boyfriends, but I still stood by her, gave her money, took her on trips, even bought her a ticket to fly out and stay with me and nursed her through withdrawals from heroin and how did she repay me? By telling me that my favourite brother hated me, while staring steadfastly at me to see my reaction. When I cried, she looked surprised and said, oh look what I’ve done to you. Some time later during a phone call I told her how she had hurt me, her response was to scream down the phone ‘What about me” then slammed the phone down. There’s more to this story but it’s too complicated to go into here. When I returned to my hometown I cut all ties with her. I then observed my other sister, who was always putting me down, even had the gall to tell me on one occasion that ‘she didn’t want to see my face all day’ and this, at a lunch with my friends that I had invited her to, I told her ‘I don’t care if I never see your face again’. No response. She was always a bully, always creating the drama triangle pitting one sibling against the other. She’d claim that she was not in touch with any of the other siblings, while in the background she was, stirring up trouble between the two until they fell out for years, then ask why you fell out. She’d try to convince me that I imagined it when she insulted me, or I was ‘too sensitive’. Arrange to meet at a particular location, then call to say she was waiting for me somewhere else, some distance from where we’d planned to meet, then deny that we’d planned to meet in the place we had arranged. On one occasion she told me she wanted to meet a good friend who was visiting me from overseas. I agreed, the night before she cancelled, then months later told me that she had repeatedly asked to meet this person, but I had never got back to her. When I told her that I had invited her and she cancelled. She denied it repeatedly.
After some time observing her, I knew I had a narcissistic sister who was out to bring me down, she hated the entire family, apart from the one wealthy member of course, who she sucked up to and bad mouthed behind their back. She hated her success. She once told me, that if everyone was like her, the world would be a better place, I couldn’t help but laugh out loud at that comment.
This is just a snap shot, I can’t go into the more devastating attacks because it still upsets me. Need I say, that in my younger days I was a model, I can see how that could make a sister feel insecure, but I always down played it to avoid making anyone feel less than, I know that looks are not everything, it was a job.
The most important part of my post is about educating myself as to why I became a magnet to Narcisists. I seem to almost always have one in my life, male or female. I still ignore my initial gut reaction, giving the benefit of the doubt, wanting to be sure I am not labelling anyone as something they are not, however, given enough time, my gut instincts are proven correct.
I now want to heal and discover what it is in me, my behaviour, my beliefs, that attracts this type of person to me and why I engage. I am on the road to recovery, my confidence is returning, my sense of self getting stronger, and reading as much as possible on the dare I say ‘victim’ of these people, they can’t do their damage unless they have a suitable victim and that is not going to be me. I have cut all contact with those two sisters, starved them of their ‘supply’ ignore all their attempts to re engage. Something I thought I could never, after all people who cut ties with family are seen as cold, ruthless. I don’t care, nobody knows the damage they caused but me and I will not put myself in a position for more of the same, simply to appear as someone who values family no matter how toxic they are. I wish everyone good luck and hope you can set yourself free too, it’s the most liberating experience.

I have a narcissist mother in law and a few weeks ago l finally stood up for myself after 20 years of trying to establish a good relationship with her. The fall out was everything we are told about these people and she ticks every single box. My husband and l are very happy but he never had the courage to challenge her because she wasn’t abusive to him, only me. So that’s made me the villain in all this despite the fact that he did support me, obviously l brain washed him right? Her daughter tells me she gets the same treatment as l do but won’t challenge because she’s scared to. She says her parents are too powerful…… and l understand her fears but l am not going to be treated like this anymore. However, am l jumping for joy? I wish. Instead l feel very sad that my efforts were always going to be futile. Should have trusted my instincts years ago, it’s all rather sad.

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