Questioning Surrender and Surrendering Questions

It’s frightening how alone she feels while in the midst of so many people she knows and cares for. It seems as this is a recurring sentiment among people. How is it that we can feel alone while surrounded by people we know and people we care for – not only that but those people know and care for us. But, the question is, how much do these people care about us? Or how well do they know us? Perhaps the answer lies in another question.

How deep do we let people know us; and, consequently, how much do we let them care for us?

Maybe therein resides the solution to loneliness… vulnerability. Yet, that doesn’t seem to settle well within my soul. I’m unsure but for some reason this emotion of loneliness seems a distant cousin to another issue – why is it always easier to write, express, paint, and create out of a place of negativity, of darkness, of emptiness? Why do the words flow smoothly and effortlessly when I am frustrated, hurt, empty, disappointed, lonely, abandoned, angry, rejected, distraught, sad, exhausted, and at wits’ end?

Is it when I come to a place of despair that I surrender?

Why then, is it easiest to surrender our lives to someone, to God, when we are so pungently aware that we have lost? It makes sense, then, that it is difficult to surrender our lives to Him when we still are living in the false reality that we are winning, that we are victorious, that we are invincible – we are living the li[f]e. So, if creating something that is considered “art” and expressing myself is easiest at the deepest hole, at surrender, then how can I live my life in constant surrender? How do I live in constant surrender before I’ve lost completely? How do I surrender during the mountain top experiences? How do I surrender when things are going well? What does that look like? How do I lay down my life when it’s so easy to carry on my own?