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I’ve started to understand something in keeping this blog that I want to mention.

Those that aren’t here, that don’t see me on a regular basis, they don’t understand what I’m actually like in my day to day life. This blog, this space of mine dedicated to my inner thoughts and purging of emotions, is just that. It’s a mirror of what is in my head at that particular time that I choose to write. It’s a glimpse into the workings of a mind that has suffered a tragedy such as this…it’s not the entire photograph of my thoughts. It’s a peak out a window in a speeding train, only to head back into a tunnel left wondering what the entire landscape must be like.

It’s easy to believe that I am always sad, or frustrated, or angry. I often am for hours – days – at a time. But most of the time, like the days that just passed, I’m filled with a hope that hasn’t always been there throughout this past year.

I believe my fate is laid out before me, in quickly drying cement. Sure I can carve my thoughts into it in the knick of time, but it’s still going to be what it was meant to be, no matter how quickly I try to leave my mark before it hardens.

Part of why I keep this blog is to help me process the times that I don’t feel so certain, times where I’m having a harder time seeing that faith that I try so hard to hold onto. I need to get it out of my head and through my fingertips into typed words on a screen so I can stop thinking about it. Once it’s out there, even if no one reads it, I can move on from it so much easier than if I had kept it in.

It’s my therapy, my only outlet where I’m not judged openly.

The downside to that is that those that do read it, those that only have this as a window into my life, believe that it’s how I am every hour on end.

The truth is, there are days where I am there and can’t get out. But the days that I’m not, the days where I’m filled with hope and find myself smiling more than crying, they’re much more frequent then the days that I have a hard time breathing.

I would never give up this space and the people that I’ve met through it. I wouldn’t be where I am now – able to face the day with actual hope – without it. It was never meant to be a miscarriage blog, and I certainly don’t plan on it staying that way, either. I’m doing everything I can to get it back to how it started.

For what it’s worth, I never got the impression that you were a one-sided sad person. No one-sided sad person would have living room dance parties, or take so many beautiful pictures of herself, vacation, cows.

Although a one-sided sad person MIGHT like the taste of apple-walnut-licorice juice. Damn hippies.

I don’t believe that you’re always sad, frustrated and angry. I believe that you are sad, frustrated and angry (at times) but that you’re also happy and confused and shocked and excited at other times. This is the safe place. This is the place to let it all out. No one suffering from a chronic health problems truly unloads all of their feelings and all of their negativity to those around them in real life; infertility and loss just have that extra added bonus of real-life people having even less sympathy, compassion and time for our woes than they would if we had a “real” disease. And so the blog – and the internet in general – becomes the outlet to really let those things rip. I get it, because that’s what my blog is to me, too.

If you blog, you get it. If you don’t, nothing anyone can say will explain it. You’re exactly on track, just keep knowing what you already know and keep doing what you must do to clear the muck and mud from your brainy bits

Hey there Courtney! Sara sent me a link to your blog recently and I’m hooked… 🙂 This particular post really meant a lot to me b/c I am feeling the same way about my blog right now! I think I may have gotten lost along the way over the last few months – but ironically while driving to work this morning I was just thinking of how good it feels to vent and how people must think I’m just a miserable, whiney brat!!! But then I got to work and here was my reminder email about your blog and I started reading and thought, “I’m not alone!!!” 🙂 I know our stories aren’t the same, but the sentiment here and throughout your posts really comfort me because I am like you – I need to get it out there. I’m not quite so comfy w/my blog to have it public (for lots of reasons) but I’ve sent you an invite and you’re welcome to browse through if you’d like. Not sure if Sara told you, but I miscarried on my first pregnancy a couple years ago. I am so sorry that you are going through such a time as it is to miscarry – but it is so brave and inspiring of you to have this blog and the hope that you do have. Thanks for sharing your journey… it’s great to connect w/you via blogging :). And btw, you look fabulous… so beautiful! xo