Man, is it Thursday already? If you and I are here, it must be. (I didn’t do any humping on Humpday, so my timing’s off.) But I’m ready, able and willing to give you the best advice you can get for free on the Net, so let’s get cracking, you crack whores and sore bores!

Beer Abby:

I see all kinds of blog and group posts showing two pieces of art that are the same or similar where people call them “swipes.” This implies that one artist “stole” from another. This is not possible as I learned in class that there is no such thing as theft in art. What do you think?

Bill Left

Philodox, OH

Dear Bill:

What was your teacher smoking? The only people who think there’s no stealing are those who steal or have nothing worth stealing. ‘Nuff said.

(And yeah, I just stole that from Stan Lee. See? Proof.)

Hey, Bru–

Why hasn’t someone shown up on PAWN STARS with one of your valuable comics or artwork of you? Bet it could fetch a pretty penny.

Bill Stupay

Las Vegas, NV

Hey, Bill–

That’s easy–nobody wants to part with anything of me! People would rather starve than have to give up their Bru.

Mr. Bru-Man:

Got any tips for Christmas shoppers?

Bill Melater

Buyitnow, CA

Mr. Bill:

I have three: 1. Make a list so you know what you’re going in for and don’t get distracted or go over-budget, 2. Research each item online to make sure you get the best price and choose the right (well-reviewed) retailer or e-tailer, and 3. Stay the hell outta my way!

Yo, Bru-Hed–

What’s really the difference between conservatives and liberals?

Bill O.

Foxtown, Australia

Yo, Bill–

Basically, conservatives are considered “right” and liberals are considered “wrong.” That’s all ya need to know.

Mr. Hed:

IIf you’re such a conservative, why aren’t you against gay marriage?

Bill Proposal

Propeight, CA

Mr. Bill:

Simple logic:

1. Whatever a couple pillow-biters do in their bedroom, they’ll do whether they’re married or not. So any legal bond between them has no bearing on me whatsoever. Just like what I do in my bathroom with a jar of Albolene and a copy of Hooters has no bearing on them, whether I’m dumb enough to get married or not.

2. Everyone knows that straight chicks love gay guys. The more they hang out together, the less chance I have on hitting on ‘em (the chicks, that is). So if more gay dudes got married, I would have a much better shot at more available ladies! They would have to travel solo or with other straight skirts, which increases my chances of scoring some strange.

3. The more lesbos that get hitched, the more likely they’ll end up in boring, sexless marriages like most straight couples, which means the lipstick hottie-types will be more willing to try the “other team” —mine. Which means I have a better chance of convincing and consoling a lonely lezzy that she’s made the wrong choice, thereby getting the chance to satisfy her needs–and my fantasy. Win-win.

Lastly–

4. The economic benefits! More marriages equals more wedding planning, which equals more business for DJs, bands, florists, halls, hairdressers, decorators, designers, printers, tux renters and dressmakers, you name it. Just the job jump-start the economy needs. And let’s not forget divorce lawyers! Why should heteros have all the misery of being locked in loveless marriages and trapped in domestic boredom? Equal rights apply just as much to the acceptance of misery as the pursuit of happiness!

Dear Bru-Hed–

But what about the sanctity of marriage and the church?

Father Bill

Jerusalem, NY

Father Bill–

I’m not talking religion here. I’m talkin’ legal marriage. In the eyes of the state and nation, not your god or gods. Religions have been excluding people from day one–Jews can’t get married in a church, Catholics can’t get married in a Hindu temple, Muslims can’t get married in a synagogue, Buddhists can’t get married in a mosque, and so on. Hetero churches can still exclude homo couples and gay churches can exclude straight couples. Every religion can continue their centuries-old hypocrisy of exclusion while preaching love. Church and state are still separated and each religion remains separated from each other. Everyone’s happy and stays miserable. Easy-peasy!

Bru-man:

Who will you be voting for next year?

Bill Richardson

Disgraced, NM

Bill-boy:

I think Captain America should win Best Picture! Though I’d consider X-men: First Class just for January Jones’s jello juggies. Woo!

Okay, babes and boys, one more for the virtual road:

Beer Abby–

Does anyone read the ever-changing disclaimer at the bottom of each of these columns?

Bill Elder

Hilarious, NY

Dear Bill–

Considering all the free art and comedy that’s not been taken advantage of, I’d say no. This is also why people get ripped off every time they buy something because nobody ever reads any small print for anything! Unless, of course, they’re as smart as me.

And speaking of smart, I’m giving you brainless holiday gift-seekers another chance to pick up THE COLLECTED BRU-HED for a Christmas discount! That’s 128 punny pages of parody and comedy under color covers! Original price is a (perfectly reasonable) $13.95, but mention you saw it on this column and get it for just $6.00–US postage included! That’s more than 60% OFF! Offer expires December 24th, 2011. Find out more and place your order here TODAY.

THANKS and make sure your trees are trimmed and your decorations deployed by this weekend, so you stay on my Nice list!

-Bru

DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a certified pastor, priest or podiatrist. All information herein is meant for entertainment and angering the easily-offended only. All material sent to us becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered for publication. No guarantees unless you send heavy metal CDs. We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and comedy. Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and/or Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced in any way, not even with Silly Putty®. Contents copyright 2011 All Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. If you mention you actually read this, you’ll get half off a portrait of me and a hot bimbo (or himbo). Ex-seltzer!