i’ve turned over enough new leaves to fill a tree

About 8 months ago, my 3 year relationship ended, a fact that has been well documented here. When we first broke up, I was sad of course, but looked at it as an opportunity growth, a chance to be an independent, fun loving single. I was discovering the person I could be without the ex, who was my best friend and pretty much my only social life. It was exciting, and I genuinely enjoyed being single and not dealing with the menz. And I kept that mindset for a good few months, until loneliness, low self esteem, and boredom caused me to start making a concerted effort to date.

With nothing much else to distract myself with, and, in hindsight, an attempt to boost my ego, I began focusing on it more than I should have. When you are in a relationship for a long time, you take for granted the simple fact that you like/love someone that, miraculously, likes/loves you back. But regardless, with school not driving me, and the job hunt a joke in this economy…I have probably given it more attention than it deserves the past few months. Anyways, the point I’m making is that, until I have a full time job again, no dating for the Allison. Nada. I’m in no rush, and even if I met Prince Charming tomorrow, we’ll just have to be buddies and get to know each other that way until I have more stuff going on in my life. I mean, he IS Prince Charming, after all. Certainly he’ll be understanding.

Additionally…I’m not really the person I want to be right now. As I wrote in my last post, I’ve had a lot of free time to re-evaluate my life, in EVERY aspect. And I have come to some ugly, hard truths about myself. Regarding my selfishness, my laziness. My ability to be shockingly inwardly focused, unless, of course I’m focusing on what others THINK about me, in which case I will ONLY THINK OF THAT.

For years I was told by everyone that I was exceptionally bright and mature for my age. That I was ahead of the curve, intellectually. I think I have let that give me a sense of entitlement over the years, expecting that the world owed me something because (at the time) I was sharper than most people my age, not because I had done any hard work. I had a way with words that got me what I wanted, though not really excelling or exceeding expectations at anything, except maybe performing arts. Additionally, this…selfish mentality has affected my friendships as well. I start just expecting my friends to adore me, simply because I’m Allison. And yes, your friends should love you for who you are…but what if the person you ARE somedays isn’t that lovable?

I’ve been thinking a lot about my life, about the person I’ve become, and the person I would like to be. I have a very clear picture in my head of who this person is (think Liz Lemon with more self confidence), but my bad habits keep getting in the way. Trying too hard. Not trying hard enough.

I’ve had this revelations, these “come to Jesus” moments before. Sometimes a couple things change, sometimes nothing will. It is a hard thing to admit to yourself that there are mistakes you’ve been making for the majority of your life. But grand epiphanies can only get you so far, if you don’t have the drive.

And a note to all who measure success simply by what shows on paper in black and white, who are NOT close to me: I’m done trying to impress and appease you. Seriously. Done. No matter what I accomplish, it’ll never be good enough, and I can’t wait until I have a degree/extensive weight loss and/or a mortgage to care about whether or not you are proud of me. You are going to think whatever you think about me, I know that. I’m just done trying to convince you I’m a person of substance. Part of this self improvement is knowing when to stop fighting a losing battle. Make all the assumptions you care to, but I can assure you that at least 50% of them are false.

All these changes and dreams, improvements and awareness, goals and plans: the successes or failures are mine, and mine alone. And I find peace in that.

I ended a year-long relationship last year and went through a similar process of introspection and not dating/dating. And while I’m dating again, the introspection continues and am still wondering many of the same things I was last year. Namely, what I want out of life. Just gotta hope we’ll all be fine. If not, there’s chocolate to help us through it. 😉