Essays by Janet Mock

Dear Lonely Hearts: I’ve Been There. Never Give Up On Love

I can’t think of Valentine’s Day without thinking of this day two years ago.

I was single, lovesick and beyond weary. Weary of Aaron’s inability to commit to me, to be with me, to choose to make a life with me.

At this time two years ago, there wasn’t an us. I didn’t know the Aaron who’d bake oatmeal cookies for me. I didn’t know the Aaron who’d spend hours editing videos and photos for my website. I didn’t know the Aaron who’d randomly leave love notes around our apartment just because.

The Aaron I knew two years ago was an Aaron who was pretty certain that he wasn’t able to give me what I needed. This disappointment was something he communicated to me time and time again, in big and small ways: Not returning my calls or texts; flaking out on my passive-aggressive invitations to hangout; and outright telling me that he was afraid he couldn’t give me what I wanted.

On Valentine’s 2010, we’d been dating for nearly a year, and in that time I had told him about my journey, about my childhood, about my transition. He knew everything about me, yet was still reluctant to commit to me. And like most women with father issues, I blamed myself, my past, internalizing his rejection, his ability to communicate that he didn’t want to be in a relationship, as a reflection of my self-worth, or lack thereof.

After nearly a year of in-between, no-title, no-commitment dating, I could no longer live in limbo. Aaron had a hold of my heart, but had no desire to take on the responsibility to handle it with care. So with no Valentine and no date, I got a knock on my door.

The person on the other side was Aaron, with cupcakes in his hands. He wished me a happy Valentine’s Day, gave me a hug and swiftly left. I was alone on this day of love with cupcakes that reminded me of all the things I did not have: a relationship, a partner that would challenge, nurture and affirm me, a man who’d actually stay.

It was then that I said, “No more.” No more crying, no more worrying, no more unanswered invitations. Aaron and I would be no more. I committed to leaving him behind so I could hopefully move on with someone who would give me what I needed and deserved.

I cried myself to sleep that night, as I made room in my heart and life. I mourned what I hoped we’d become. I mourned the intimacy, the friendship, the love. But I finally accepted what for months he’d been telling me: He was not willing, able, ready to give me what I wanted.

A week later, my buzzer woke me in the middle of the night. It was Aaron, who – after nearly a year of unmet expectations – said he was finally ready to “make room” for me in his life. It was one of the happiest nights of my life.

Since that late-night revelation, I’ve experienced the blossoming of us. I’ve watched this man, who previously disappointed me, over-deliver over and over again. His love for me, a love that I had once given up on, is the foundation unto which I am able to do what I do. It’s his support and cheerleading that made me step forward with my story, but most importantly it was sharing my story with him that made me fall in love with me all over again.

I’m a relationship person. I’ve always been and always will be. It’s deemed weak in our culture to say that you want a relationship, that you want a partner, that you want love in your life. To yearn for it is a sign a weakness. But I think the real weakness lies in those who deny themselves the opportunity to allow love and abundance in their lives.

I’ve watched my closest girlfriends discover, lose and find love again. I’ve been on the other end of instant messages that said, “You’re so lucky to have Aaron,” as if my apparently perfect relationship has been this fairy-tale romance that appears as a looming judgment or unreachable benchmark held above them.

On the contrary, I’d like to use my relationship, the good and the bad, as an example: Relationships are hard, sometimes they’re ugly, sometimes the man of your dreams, as I’ve learned with Aaron, isn’t always the man you want him to be. That it often takes time for him to figure out what he wants, and how you react to this person’s growth in your relationship is a testament to the kind of relationship you’ll have and the kind you’re willing to work for.

I don’t know why I’m writing this post, but I think I’m figuring it out as I type. I wanted to write to all the single girls and guys out there looking, hoping, wishing for love to know that I’ve been there. Before meeting Aaron and even while dating him, I didn’t know if the kind of love we have now was possible. I spent Valentine’s Day (aka Single Awareness Day) alone, wondering when the kind of love I’d been conditioned to believe was out there for all of us would actually come into fruition.

But despite how dark and lonely and lovesick I got, I never gave up. I had hope that one day I’d be a part of something amazing, a partnership worth investing all of me into. I guess I want to say to all you relationship dreamers out there: Never ever give up on love. Never.

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15 Comments for Dear Lonely Hearts: I’ve Been There. Never Give Up On Love

Nia

Janet!!!!! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!! Every word you wrote about hoping for a love so real is so true and is very relatable. It’s so comforting to know that my dreams of having a committed, true love like this is not wishful thinking and silly. I too consider myself to be a relationship person. I also have been in love with a man that has told me the exact words that Aaron spoke to you. I have not given up on him or on love. But I have come to the realization that if that “kind of love” is going to come to me, I need to be good to myself and love my self greater than anyone else can. My journey of self-love and self-acceptance has been quite a struge. But today I can truly say “I love myself!” In order to feel and recognize the love I deserve, I needed to get to this point in my self discovery. Your words have inspired and encouraged me to not give up on love and the kind of relationship I know I deserve.

I am in the very same spot that you were on V’day. I am confused and well honestly heartbroken. I do not know if I should continue to hold on or let go. A little about me then the situation I am in right now. I am 36 and already married and divorced twice. My 1st husband I married at 17 for two reason’s. 1st we had a daughter together the second I saw it as my only escape from a very abusive household (Mommy dearest was a saint compared to my mom) That marriage ended when 5 yrs later I came home early to tell him we were expecting our 2nd child and I found him in bed with another woman. My 2nd marriage was well I thought for love we were together 7 yrs before we married which ended 5 yrs after the I do’s. Main reason is I could not have any more children since after my 1st marriage ended I had my tubes tied and he had no children. I was heartbroken after he left however I was able to pick myself up that was 2 1/2 yrs ago. I allowed myself to grieve and find out WHO I am as a person since I had been married or coupled for most of my life. Just this past November I began to ease into the dating scene again I went on two dates then decided I was not ready yet. In March I met the most amazing man we have everything in common I mean everything. Our taste in food, music, favorite movie, our family life’s hell we are only 4 days apart in age and we are both human parents to the same type of furry kid (dog). Our love was very fast and furious we talked back and forth for a week then went on our first date. That night he told me that he felt as if he finally found me and he already loved me. Well fast forward 3 months and he tells me how sorry he is but he is not ready for a relationship like he thought he was. He had just come out of a long relationship 5 months before we met and before that was married for 10 yrs. This guy has been hurt so badly he found out that the daughter he thought was his was not and that his wife and cousin had been having an affair for 5 of the 10 yrs of marriage. It has now been 2 months since we broke up and it stills hurts me as if it was the 1st day. I go through my day to day motions but am not happy at all. I do not understand why I cannot just let go I have never had a problem in the past.

The first time I ever saw him I felt instantly comfortable like I had known him my entire life. Now I just feel empty and extremely confused. I want to let go so I can let go of this heartache but every time I try I feel like I am losing myself. It does not help the situation that everyday he puts up songs on Pandora about losing true love, missing someone, loving someone etc.. I know that these songs are directed towards me since I am his only follower. I have erased the texts, unfriended him on facebook, however I still follow him on pandora. Just today he put up “Never ignore a person who loves you, cares for you, and misses you, because one day, you might wake up and realize, you lost the moon while counting the stars …” I have tried on 3 separate occasions to reach out to him only to be ignored then the next day there are all these new songs about loving someone, soul mates, etc..So I don’t want to give up because I love him in a very different way then I have ever loved anyone but holding on to what if’s are so painful. I do not have any interest in even thinking about anyone else let alone being with another man. I also know he has not moved on and does not want to.

Janet, thank you for your reply. In fact sexual orientation and gender identity are separate things, but some people asked me, in a conversation about my transition: “do you have already a boyfriend?”, assuming that a trans woman is necessarily only attracted to men or desirous to have a boyfriend (I Am from Brazil, Rio de janeiro). I think this is product of a subconscious heteronormativity or heterosexism, assuming that feminine must be attracted to masculine and vice versa, but not in a hurtful way at all. Sexually I am bi, but as for a romantic committed relationship I am lesbian or gynephilic. But the most important is that trans people be included and be accepted in all spheres of our society. Thank you Janet and best wishes.

Wow! This story is inspiring. I randomly found your entry and I’m pretty much going through this exact same thing. My boyfriend broke up with me because he felt he didn’t deserve me. Time and time again I tell him he has shown me more love than anyone else but he must be scared to commit himself fully. No way of totally understanding his side of the story but I hope someday he’ll be ready for me because I’m not ready to give him up.

Hi, Janet. It’s great to read such a beautiful post like this. I am transgender and maybe my situation is more difficult to find love, I don’t know whether you agree with me or not. I consider myself as a bisexual MtF transgender, but I prefer women and I only would be in a committed relationship with a woman (matter of preference). I don’t intend to undergo SRS, but I don’t identify being a man whatsoever. My gender identity is really feminine but I also love women in all senses, including having one as my loving partner! Could you give me your opinion about? Janet I love your posts, you are a very intelligente, smart writer and all I read from you is very valuable, sensible and inspiring, besides you are beautiful physically and as a human being. And congratulations for your work as a trans advocate and pushing our cause to greater visibility. Best of luck!

Hi Isabelle – it seems, like most people, you’re conflating gender identity (who you know yourself to be gender wise) with sexual orientation (whom you’re attracted to). You can know yourself to be a woman and still love women. Nothing is wrong with that at all. We all have different relationships to our gender, our bodies and other people’s gender and bodies. Thank you for commenting!

Wow. I have been married for a year and we are in a bad place for a few reasons. I am trans as well. I have been thinking of ending the marriage lately because of changes in my husband. I so wish there was a way to talk to you.

Wow Janet. You are amazing. I first saw your ” it gets better video” and I was blown away. I became addicted and watched them all, and getting inspired, each second by each second of listening to your enthusiasm and how your not a tragically accomplished woman.

And Oh my god,the interview with Clay Cane , and you two describing how you both are not “tragically ” gay or “tragically” transgendered. It was a “RIGHT ON” moment for me. Because I feel the same way.
I just saw the Isis interview, you two rock. Finally , someone told someone else that the “T” word is just as bad as the “N” word. Finally, thank you Isis for telling millions of listeners what that offensive word means to us.

I have so much I want to say, and I can’t type it out that fast. I think by killing the stereotypes that ignorant people lump us all in the transvestite and Drag Queen category is the first move. Once we can get that clarified by having positive women such as yourself and Isis in the media, telling the public that that is not us

So I am patiently waiting for a show like Modern Family ” to have a trans Mom and husband on their show.
I know it’s coming, but it may take a while, it took a while for the gay thing to happen , right?.
At least we had Candis Cayne on a ABC show ” Dirty Sexy Money”., and Isis on Top Model. God Bless Tyra too , she had been a anchor for us all to with stand the current of bad PR.
My herstory, well I transitioned about 8 years ago , and once I let my natural self out and let the security blanket of the old persona go and become vulnerable, then and only then did everything happened. Yes it was rough, but
when you want IT so bad , there is no mountain high enough , no valley low enough (thanks Diana) .
I took whatever positive role models , used them as my muse , and did it.

keep doing what your doing , because it’s awesome.

And yes, like you , I too am a hopeless romantic, waiting for “him” to come along.

By the way, your honey is hot!! Way to go!! Such a hot looking couple. Oh! and by the way, I thought you were
Hallie Berry at first in your “It gets better ” video.

You story is soooo inspriring to me… As a woman who wouldn’t normally talk about my feelings. I’m at a point in my life where I am beginning to understand and become intuned with my emotions far more than ever. I’m realizing that I DO have this desire to be in a healthy, loving and nurturing relationship with someone – something for a long time, I’ve rejected. Unfortunately, I’m not quite sure where this other woman is. We’ve talked about it, but it always leads back to, ‘things are just so complicated for us right now’ — Which to me, comes as an excuse, especially when we’re spending nearly every day together. I’m at that point where I’m beginning to think giving up would be the best option for me — but for my lonely heart… it’s so tough. Thank you for your words… Even if this love, with this person isn’t possible or right… I am reminded that there is love out there and to continue risking my heart for the sake of it. <3 TY.

I am so glad that my friend–Alicia Champion–turned me onto your site. I am a male to female transgendered individual, who has yet to begin hormone treatment and all that. However, my story is quite positive. I am surrounded by the love of hundreds of straight men and women and their respected families. I am encouraged to grow and pursue my dreams as both a trans-woman and model. I have even found love in the form of a dear, dear man who told me that he trusts my heart. He looked past gender lines and we have a relationship/fruendship based on love and goodness.

I am so inspired by you and glad there is just another regular girl doing her “thing”. You’ve even inspired me to write my own blog detailing my journey as it is most positive!

I’ve been telling y’all right from the start how important it is as an affirmation of goodness! how importnat y’alls stories and positive nurturing experiences are! Like i love my God and return to him when i’m down,
L:ike some folks need their sermons and psalms.
Y’all’s shared experieces echo/ edify the same formetioned sentiments to others.
I Know why you write? !Cos you’ve been called to!
God Bless you both!

Like you, love has always been something I believe in. The whole fairytale, against all odds kind of love. But sometimes when disappointment, unmet needs, hurt, loneliness are (what seems to be) the only present companion in my current “relationship” , i don’t know if I still want to hold on to that belief.

My situation is exactly where you were earlier in your relationship with Aaron. The only difference is he said he is committed to me. But I don’t feel it. Often, his actions (and lack of actions) and his words tell me that he maintains distance between us.

We’ve been been together for 6 months… and it’s been like this since then. I don’t know if I can bear it any longer. Right now I’m thinking I’ve had enough. I should take care of myself.

I feel helpless… frustrated… tired… I want to give up.

I’m not sure why I tell you this. I don’t know if I want you to tell me to hold on or to just move forward and take care of myself… I don’t know. I need a friend who truly know what it’s like to be in this situation. Maybe I just need to tell someone who understand what I’m going through.

I feel lighter now that I get it out of my chest.

Thank you!

Thank you for sharing your story. Wish you and Aaron the best of happiness!

P.S.
would love to hear a reply (if it’s not too much to ask)… just say anything. :)