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My 2nd question is: Hi everyone!I dont come on these boards often, but hope someone can help me out this time! Heres the dilemma:I had been dating (online dating with Match.com) a guy from June-August of this year. In August we decided to make things official and give the relationship (thru Match.com) a go. He is a complete doll, and worships the ground I walk on. He cares a lot about me and the feeling is mutual. The problem is.... We have now been official for almost 4 months, and he has not even mentioned me meeting his family or friends yet? He hasn't met my family yet, they do live 2.5hrs away (his family lives in our city) but I have asked him if he would be interested in meeting them one weekend, and he agreed to but then schedules conflicted and he had to work, which I understood.

I guess in a sense I just feel like a secret to his family. He tells me they know about me and I sometimes doubt that but then I remember it's on facebook and he has family members that are listed as his friends.... so it's out there. And all of my family know about him and are waiting to meet him, but like I said there is some distance there, so it's not an easy task. I just want to tell everyone about him, cause Im happy for us and where we are and how well we work together, but I feel like he isnt interested in the introduction to his family/friends..

I think Id even be satisified with meeting his friends at this point. At least it would be something. And with the holidays upon us, Im obviously not going to get to share in that family time with them .....unless hes waiting until then, but thats also hard cause Ill want to be with my family as well. I thought if we would have met each others families by now, we could have compromised on going to visit at both places, but it seems out of reach at this point.

Ugh, Im just frustrated that I am dealing with this, when I feel so in love with someone and want to shout it from the roof tops and it feels like he doesnt feel the same, yet shows and proves to me that he loves me a lot. I have never been with someone that has been this loving and caring. This is the only thing right now that is really getting in the way. I brought it up today for the first time and he got kind of upset about it and shortly afterwards decided to go home, and not much words were spoken ......... now Im at a stand still! I can understand if he wasnt close with his family... but he is! *sigh* any words would be appreciated! Thanks for reading!..

Comments (4)

Thanks for getting back to me! I do live in the same city as him and his parents and one of his two best friends. I have casually brought up the 'so when do I get to meet so and so, since you met a few of my friends' and he asked me, I dunno when do you want to meet them? And I said to him, that I thought that was something he had to decide and it was sort of left at that. That was asked.... probably in September'ish. If not before. And nothing has come of it.

He doesnt seem them a lot due to his work schedule. But he does talk about his colleagues and I shouldnt say I havent met no one, because last night he introduced me to his roommate (he just moved in with him this month) and his roommate also works with him. But they arent close. They just happen to be acquainted. I see him usually only on weekends.

We both work long days.

I think he probably go upset when I asked him about it because he probably wasnt expecting it. I dont know if I mentioned, but this was also our first small argument, and it was kind of out of the blue. So maybe it caught him by surprise. I dunno.

I realize 5 months isnt that long to some people. To me it is. It has never been that way for me in relationships, but I understand everyone is different. I guess I just want to live up to his parents expectations cause now Im starting to doubt my profession and who I am, and it makes me wonder if he thinks his parents wont approve of me.....Im really puzzled... but thanks for your input!.

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Comment #1

Honey, please don't start doubting who you are on account of a man, whatever your profession is. His parents will like you if you are nice and easy to get along with and they see that you make their son happy. Or they will be the type of people who will not be satisfied with any of his girlfriend choices - it comes down to who they are. Maybe they are difficult to please and that is why he has been slow about introducing you? When it comes down to it, don't worry about their expectations - just concentrate on being the best person you can be - being a person of integrity and a kind human being tends to work pretty well. Remember: Men are attracted to women who likes themselves; so don't go down the dark highway of self-doubt..

As for meeting your boyfriend's friends/family, I would continue to bring it up and let him know that you want to meet his peeps - I think that is perfectly reasonable since you can judge a person by the company they keep..

Best wishes,.

Coolas..

Comment #2

Well, your family knows all about him but they haven't met him yet, right? So it's very possible it's the same way for him, too. So don't assume anything about if he's "hiding you" from them, or them from you for that matter, or that he's not interested or vested, etc..

Point blank, he has no obligation to introduce you to anyone in his world. It's very nice if he did, and doing so would make you feel more "solid" in his life, I'm sure, but he doesn't "have to," you know. Not before engagement, and then he does because you need to be made aware of the family dynamics and structure that you would potentially be entering into on a permanent basis..

But dating/relationship? No. So it would be a better thing to re-frame your expectations of how this happens, and maybe learn about tone, timing, and presentation in your communication that will help you from now until forever..

It's really up to him when he wants to invite you to meet his family, not you. Your job is to be lovely you when you're with him so that he wants to and you get that invitation. And make no mistake, since you haven't said anything about particular family or cultural customs, it's an invitation, not an obligation..

Probably with his family, the best thing to do would be to lead by example and invite him to meet yours first. If it's important to you that dating (online dating with Match.com) partners meet family after a certain amount of time of beign exclusive, then SHOW THAT by being the one to initiate that on your part. Make the visit as pleasant as possible. They already lean towards liking him because I'm sure you gush to your fam about him, so it should go well. And then when he sees how well that goes, he may be much more inclined to want you to meet his..

As far as the friends, I'd suggest the same new attitude on your part as for the family, knowing it's a request and treating it as such. Say, "You know, I really love the time we spend doing fun things and getting to know each other more and more. With the holidays coming up, maybe we can do a joint little get-together and each invite some of our friends, that might be fun." And ask what he thinks about that. Soon as he gives you the thumbs-up, start planning and inviting right away..

The reason the last conversation took a nose-dive and he hasn't talked about it again is because of the angry (yes, angry) expectation behind your discussion. That did not have any place becoming an argument, the request was just not handled well. .

Wouldn't you prefer it if he invited you because he wanted to, rahter than because you pitched a hiss about it?.

On the other hand, if even after you show him the importance to you of family and invite him to meet your family and the stress-free invite to have a little joint get-together he still doesn't make any kind of noise about you meeting any of his people throughout the holiday season (becuase a massive amount of socializing is doen then), regardless of how much you like the guy, it may be time for you to start looking for someone new, because then you're really not on the same wavelength at all and your responsibility in dating (online dating with Match.com) is to find the best match for you, not just one you like..

Good luck,.

CL-Breaking Up Is Hard to DoCL-Understanding MenCL-Ask the dating (online dating with Match.com) DoyenneRead This First: How to Get Over Your BreakupWe waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love. Tom Robbins..

Comment #3

Your right, my family hasn't met him yet. I did in fact invite him to a family get together of mine, and he said he would see providing his schedule didnt conflict and it did, so he was unable to attend. So I did extended the visit first before ever having this conversation with him. As I previously said I understand work can get in the way of life sometimes, so I didnt make a fuss about it at the time, I just explained to my family when I showed up why he couldnt make it and everyone moved on with their lives.

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I dont necessarily think hes hiding me from his family, but I guess it bothers me that my family knows about him and when I have conversations with my family, they often ask how hes doing, to be considerate and I know nothing like that happens with his family cause Im usually with him when they call (or so it seems).

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We dont live together, and we are from a small area in Canada. Pretty well the entire population here believes that meeting each others family and friends is important and done WELL BEFORE the possibility of engagement. If engagement comes out of this relationship (thru Match.com) then great, but I dont try to focus on it, I'm a very go-with-the-flow kind of person.

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Everyone needs to date, to see what they are interested in, if it becomes long-term thats wonderful. If it doesnt then it's a lesson learned. But it would be nice to see where he came from, and to see that side of him. I am the type of person that enjoys having a connection with the family and spending good times together. As you mentioned it would make me feel very solid.

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As far as meeting friends. He has met and hung out with several of mine and has had a great time. I would consider them my family here, considering my real family does live 2.5 hours away. Its nice to meet friends, so that you can get to know them and have something else to do on the weekends, such as visiting, going all out for dinner together, etc.

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I know it's up to him when he wants me to meet his family it just bothers me that he often says in conversation oh when you meet my mom blah blah blah or oh when you meet my brother.. blah blah blah and nothing ever comes of it?.

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The joint get-together does sound like a great idea. IF we lived together. But we dont. So I dont know how well that would work.

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Since my last post in this thread we have discussed how the topic came up that day and he has apologized for the way he reacted, as did I, I just told him I dont want to argue about it, I just want to understand. I didnt get much answers from him, but I'm learning to accept that it will happen when it happens. I know I cant rush these things and I know it's not important but, it bothers me when my friends/family keep saying you havent met his family or friends yet?! it makes me feel ab-normal in our relationship. Now that probably isnt the best way to look at it, I know this, but I cant help what I feel.

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I have thought that maybe he hasn't taken me to meet his family yet because of family customs and thats fine. I will understand, but I also think thats needs to be vocalized to me. Its wonderful that he respects his parents/families customs but at the same time, I feel I too need to be respected and not feel like a secret .........

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Thanks for your input though. Always appreciated..

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Comment #4

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.