Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Not sexy: the girl who thinks she knows sports, but doesn't

Some guys are into a girl who loves sports. She'll watch the ballgame with you, talk strategy with you over Grilled Salmon and Pilaf and bang you while wearing a football jersey.

I am not one of those guys. Hearing a chick talk about sports is about as much of a turnoff as unshaven armpits after a trip to the gym.

And it doesn't stem from the, "A girl should be girlie and talk about shopping and makeup and Rachel Getting Married" argument. It more comes from the fact that I have a hard time telling a girl she's fucking wrong.

I was talking to one of my girlfriend's friends the other night. The Giants game was on and I was watching closely. The friend then starts saying how frustrating it is when the Giants keep giving up so many runs and the offense better keep up this offensive output if they want to compete in the AL West. And it's a good thing Sandoval's been pitching well lately.

BITCH, YOU ARE WRONG! (I smiled and nodded my head).

It's nice that a girl wants to keep up, but dammit, I know far too much about sports to be talking to a girl about it. (Eeesh, did I just go there).

In all fairness, there are women who know sports well and can talk a good game. I've never met this woman, but I'm sure she exists outside of REM sleep.

The girls I know -- even the ones dubbed "sports fans" -- just can't keep up, though. And I don't expect them to. I've wasted more days, years and living-room furniture over sports than I care to think about. Girls just don't have that sorta time. They have to paint their toenails and shit.

I'm an asshole and I have no idea how to talk to girls. That's already established. But I really don't know how to talk to a girl about sports. Because it's frustrating for me to hear about UNC's historic football program, how Brett Favre will do good things this year for the Packers and how maybe this will be the Royals' year.

Sweetheart, this won't be the Royals' year. Why don't you go watch The Notebook and make some crab cakes?

The other thing that really bothers me is the questions they ask. Like, it's one thing to ask "hey why do you think they're bunting right now?" - I'm fine with that... it's the questions like "if they take a pitcher out, are they allowed to put him back in?" or "has anyone ever hit a foul ball, and then the ball bounces off one of those wires that's holding up the screen and come back down and hit the batter in the head?"

Agree completely. Every once in awhile my wife will try to ruin my viewing pleasure with non-sensical questions. One of the conditions of our marriage is that she is not allowed to be anywhere near me on NFL Sundays.

Similar to Peter's comment -- I went to a big college basketball school for law school. We are having a party 3rd year for a big NCAA tourney game and a really good looking girl sits and watches. I decide to talk to her and she says, "You know, I have never watched a game my entire 3 years here." So is that sort of complete ignorance of sports better or worse than a woman who pretends to like sports? I can see both sides to that argument.

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