I made my mom wear an adult undergarment (depends) last night. She has been having so many accidents in the past month that I reached my limit on how many times I could clean the bed, her and the floor. I helped her to bed and 8pm and I told her I would change her at 6 am. It is now 2 am and I can't sleep, I feel so guilty! Did I do the right thing by trying to help myself regain a bit of sanity? She would call out at night for me to come and lift her out of bed and help her into the bathroom and put her on the commode. Then I would have to lift her off and hoist her back in bed. Even with all this effort she still had many accidents throughout the night.

9 Comments

This is a situation no one chooses to be in ...you suggesting she wear them, and her at the point where she needs them.

What I do with my clients, I do not call them diapers, pull ups or any other term that suggests there is something shameful in needing them like a baby. I just call them briefs. Tell your mom that these briefs will help her at night so she's not waking up to wet clothes, or a wet bed. And along with this, maybe a bedside commode can help eliminate the accidents she has on her way to the bathroom.

Dianes, I'm thinking that you're not so much feeling guilty for having to put your mother in a diaper, rather you're just feeling bad that it's come to this. That the mother you once knew is having to wear a diaper, and you had to be the one to put her in one. Unfortunately we're all gonna have to face it someday ourselves. It's life. It's getting old, and it stinks.

There's not guilt for not knowing what no one ever taught you or not understanding what no one or the circumstances kept you from having insight about. Fear of not being perfect will kill you. Obligation to attempt to be perfect will burn you out. Guilt for not being all of the ifs, oughts, shoulds, coulds etc. will drive you insane. When you have done the best you can with what you know at that time and are able to do at that time, then you have done the best that you could have done. period. If there are lessons to be learned, fine learn them but don't beat yourself up for having to learn something, etc. Instead of passively self-victimizing onself with passive words like ought, should, could, etc., take charge of things by using active words in your thinking and talking like "I will", "I can", etc. You'll be surprised how much more internal energy you probably will feel from using active verbs instead of passive verbs which so often are burdened down with fear, obligation and guilt, i.e. better known as Emotional F.O.G. which people use to emotionally blackmail us.

I really tried - I did make a wrong decision more than once, though...I'll blame the steep learning curve and the fact that Mom and I were not that close before it all started to fall apart. I did not understand that much about how she thought and why she was the way she was...

You can take her to the doctor's and see if there is any treatable cause of incontinence, but you and she MUST get some sleep, even if you are the only one who recognizes that. I can't tell you how guilty I feel when I think back on all the times I let my mom keep doing the unreasonable things that finally cost her her home and her independence. I tried - sometimes she was just absolutely within her rights to do what she wanted - other times though, if only I could have been firmer maybe some things would be better now. Or maybe not, but I will always wonder.

No one WANTS these unwelcome changes of aging, but it does not help to pretend we do not have to take steps to deal with them. You can reassure Mom its not her fault this has started happening to her, you can call them "hospital pants" instead of Depends or dipaers, and say they are just until we can find out what's wrong, but yes, you have no reasonable choice but to insist and sleep and sanitation.

Let me let you in on a something. Do not feel guilty about anything you do. That guilt will eat you up and spit you out. We do what we have to do and that's that. I have realized this to be the most crucial part of caretaking.....lose all guilt.

I can't imagine life before "depends" were invented! Don't feel guilty about using them. It is the logical next step when someone can't get up alone during the night, and it may prevent her from falling. Soon you will both sleep better. We use an insert "poise" or generic brand, and it contains a lot more liquid. Another thing that helps me sleep without worrying is a motion detector which I have in her room. It sounds like a doorbell ringing in my room and alerts me if she is trying to get up. Feeling guilty seems to be universal when it comes to caring for our parents or spouses. I wonder why that is? They should be feeling guilty for having us take care of them and not be able to do the things we used to do. I think it is just part of life. good luck with your mom.

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