(v) to slug or chase someone’s clubs around a golf course while doing the backbreaking work no player cares for.

(n) the servant who chases or schleps clubs around a golf course while doing the backbreaking work no player cares for.

So nice, they named 'em twice. Regardless if you spell it with a “y” or an “ie”, the story remains the same.

EX: Showing up, keeping up, and shutting up are unwritten caddy rules which were made to be broken.

What is Caddying?

To caddie is to slug or chase someone’s clubs around a golf course while doing the backbreaking work no player cares to do.

It is an important part of golf's heritage of master and slave.

While it can be easy under the table cash for the keen and clever, it will be a toothless dead-end job for those refusing to read the colorful graffiti on the caddieyard wall.

What are the merits of Caddying?

Caddying gives you the opportunity to meet successful and influential people, many of whom are boring and unhappy. To work for such folk for even 3 to 4 hours will be complete torture, a lesson in life of who never to take crap from or agree to work for again.

Potentially young loopers can earn caddie scholarships although this may be at the cost of their adolescent innocence.

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The caddy is as old as the game of golf itself.

Caddying is a part of golf's love of servitude, "the way golf servants were to be enslaved".

Catching loops helps adolescent kids learn many games - an opportunity for young people to get hip to the real world's lovely aspects of classism, racism, cronyism, nepotism, and the gulag police state.

Isn’t the Caddieyard all but dead?

Almost, but it is the resurgence of the caddieyard that is the only hope for golf to be charismatic again.

History proves the most memorable golfers with cool swings and personality got their start in scummy caddieyards the world over. Visit CaddieDigest's Caddy Shack of Fame page for undeniable evidence of why loopers do it best.

The caddie has been a part of the game ever since the beginning. The Rules of Golf defines a “politically correct version” of what the role of a caddie is, but you are smarter than that. The truth is all too obvious.

Basic duties of a caddy include enduring any time you are forced to: carry a golf bag anywhere, risk advice giving on golf shots, touch dirt, handle a rake, wash anything, pull a flagstick, etc.

As a caddy you can earn your keep by allowing the player to believe that they are all powerful.

If a player enjoys his or her round of golf, you probably will have not.

Even if you did find any amusement out there, you are wise enough to mentally prepare your psyche for a letdown in compensation.

Yes it is true - you and your player are a team on the course. HE is the star player, owner, hot cheerleader, and coach all wrapped up in one. YOU are the pee-on water boy and there is a stadium full of drooling knucklehead caddies stalking your jobs, envious to replace you.

In victory, all glory shall be the the golfer's.

In defeat, you will be verbally assaulted fired without hesitation or scruples.

The Caddiemaster title alone alludes to everything you need to know about the profession.

A Caddiemaster is scorned to recruit, coddle, and coerce a golf club's caddy program.

It is a must the Caddiemaster conspires effectively with the cold-blooded Golf Professional and his underling Stasi force. Together they can divide and conquer a caddieyard. They play a major role in their club membership's favorite games of domination and subjugation.

Unprofessionally trained per usual, caddie programs can bring riddance to slow play and significantly reduce the hours of golf round boredom.

It is a general rule of thumb, the more obtrusive a caddie program is the higher a golf club's reputation becomes as a 1st class operation. Simply put, the scummier the caddieyard, the classier the club’s reputation is.

Every club has it's own specialized tactics of dehumanization for caddies to fall for, be sure to learn them quickly.

Choose your words wisely when dealing with the Caddiemaster. Anything you so much as mutter can and will be used against you.

The following questions may be only discerned using common sense. If you are caught asking the wrong person the following questions, you may loose everything:

The amount of dirt and filth you're going to encounter on the course is appalling. A 20" x 40" spotless white cotton towel is the only thing you should ever handle!

Always take the freshest white towels from the club locker room or pool, if time permits, be sure to check out the memberships’ daughter talent pool.

If the club requires that you bring a towel from home, present the filthiest shred of cloth you can find, the moment your player breaks a bead of sweat - offer him your dirt rag claiming how expensive doing one's laundry can be these days.

If the club doesn't provide water buckets on the course be sure to spit shine every piece of filthy golf equipment your player hands you. If these golfers have any standards of hygiene, much of your workload may be relieved.

2nd Never carry a ball marker nor mark any golf ball anywhere:

Never lug any divot tool or fix any impact mark on any green. This is the player’s job - you got your hands full.

If time allows, wait until the final putt is made and as the group is exiting the green, audibly declare which unconscious player didn’t fix their impact crater.

To stand on of a golf course amongst these chops is hazardous enough. Why dare risk thigh, chest, or buttock puncture wounds?

4th You had better have a comfortable pair of kicks:

It is true, as a caddy you will never walk more in your life. Don’t be caught dead wearing golf shoes or anything that looks like a sandal. Fresh white tennies are the only way to go. If you toil in a rainy climate get some galoshes or back up Gore-Tex® kicks.

In general, proper rain gear is not something you should concern yourself with. The instant a drop of rain falls, the golf round should be over - no ifs, ands, nor buts.

It always helps to pre-round interview potential players by explicitly questioning them about their personal “Rain/Mist Policy”?

While on the course, if you ever hear anything even resembling the echo of thunder or perhaps you witness trace gleams or electric flashes - drop every metal death rod immediately and run like hell for shelter!

5th Never pay for any required caddie uniform:

If the club is not willing to clean mandated uniforms daily do not submit to them. Abstain from purchasing any things they tell you to.

You’ll probably want to ignore your Caddiemaster on when you should check in or where you should wait for your day's loopage. It’s best you only appear minutes before things get busy, then just stick your face in everything and everywhere.

If things are slow, lifelong loopers will resort to bootjack loops by feasting on arriving players in the parking lot. The instant a golfer surfaces from their vehicle, they are assaulted for their golf bag, tee time, and playing partner information. This method of finding work is for dead-end lifer caddies only. Only scum resort to this method of attaining loops. You dear looper, you must abstain from conducting like utter T.

When the Caddiemaster tries to give you an assignment, investigate whether the bag really exists. By chance you actually accept the job, be sure to confirm if the player has been sighted on premise walking under his or her own power. Adjust the carrying strap and wrangle that cumbersome bag onto the nearest golf cart. Count the clubs in the bag, if any player has more than 14 clubs, forfeit the job at once.

Don't arrange the player's clubs.You are not their mom!

If the pig of a player doesn't keep their sticks in order don't waste an instant trying to make sense of their mess.

If the player is rude enough to arrive with dirty clubs, refrain from cleaning any mess that pig makes throughout the round. Little piggy players need tough love!

Any driver and putter headcovers should be abolished for any round you work, never acquiesce to fondling either of these ridiculous club headcovers.

If the player has iron covers, self-inflict booting it and get out of working that loop. Seriously, 5 seconds of vomiting pain is better than working an iron covered bag:

If the custom at your club is to carry putters, or in other words, to handcuff caddies with cart riding player's putters, simply do not submit.

This stupid custom came about as a way for caddy's to trick cart riding players into believing they were better served by the looper. The truth is, this custom is a waste of precious time, resources, and energy.

It is your looping duty to retrain inefficient players to carry their own damn putters. There's plenty of other work to do besides needlessly batton-ing putters 18 times a round with each chop in the playing group.

A general rule of loopage, one you should forever subscribe to, is just how much you have your hands full. You are never to carry accessories like scorecards, pencils, golf tees, ball markers, divot sanders, and or divot tools – nada, nothing extra. Simply come strapped with a clean towel to fend off the golfer's filth!

Never commit your player's name to memory. If you need to get their attention use steely eye contact, firmly say 'HEY', or make clicking noises with your tongue.

It is the player who must break any and all eye contact made. If they piss you off, mispronounce whatever the bag tag claims their names to be.

When the round is about to begin always wait until you actually HAVE to say hello.

If you can, avoid giving them your real name.

Sometimes they'll even try and get a handshake out of you. Don't be fooled!

Your player may want to warm up on the range or “roll a few” on the practice green prior to the beginning of the round. Screw them, they can go toil on their own, you shouldn't be anywhere near that bag until the 1st tee is clear.

When the 1st tee is free, the torment can commence.

CaddyDigest Caddy Manual – The 1st Tee

THE 1st TEE

1) Take note of the number and brand of golf ball your player is using for the round, high chances are you will find dozens of the same balls within their golf bag.

TIP: Prepare 1 or 2 get-out-finding-a-ball-free pills and very carefully introduce them into a round when needed.

2) You should line on any side of the tee you wish. Whether for a better view, to find shade, or perhaps you’re already sick of looking at your players face.

TIP: Don't bring the bag close to the tee. A player will butt into whatever extreme side of the tee box you seek refuge in. If any tall stiff or fat lard blocks your view, declare aloud their accountability if the ball is lost.

3) Beware that your shadow's path never falls near the teeing area. On hot days, find shade at all costs!

TIP: Stay well clear of golfers for they will use any discernible excuse for their abhorrent shortcomings. Nobody wants to hear their whining! It behooves you to allow these crybabies as little ammunition as possible.

4) Stay still and remain quiet once the player has addressed their ball. Exclusions include whispering any good jokes to your caddie peers, making hilarious faces to one another, and or performing any rituals needed to avoid ingraining that chop’s zigzagging swing path in your mind.

TIP: Listen for the mishit or the flush long-and-wrong as the golf ball’s snake hiss will tell you everything. If there's a bad bounce, that is chances’ fault - not yours! Nobody can see that far!

BONUS TIP: Never strain your eyesight for any golf shot ever. If the sun is in your eyes, you may have to actually take in one of your players’ so-called swings to garner their misdirection. Again being on the golf course surrounded by these hacks is hazardous enough; you alone are responsible for your eyesight and health.

5) Help fellow friendly caddies by never turning on them or snitching them out, ever.

TIP: No matter the overabundant propaganda, on the golf course as in life, it is caddies vs. players. Save all rivalries for within the safe confines of the caddieyard. Solidarity is your only chance for survival.

6) Begin moving as soon as the final player begins their backswing. Snatch the club out of their hands and move it. Be prepared to BS the path you walk at any moment. Never walk even with any player as they tend to contrive conversations that will render you a depressed lifeless shadow of your former self.

TIP: Walk with other friendly loopers; run fun loving smack constantly in your local colloquialisms or caddieyard lingo.

BONUS TIP: If you are alone out there, God help you! Your imagination will be your refuge - your imagination will set you free. Run scenarios and commentaries in your mind to keep yourself amused. As you become a more seasoned caddy, unconsciousness loopage shall become your Zen-like looping state of being.

HAZARDS & OUT OF BOUNDS

1) If your player hits a ball into a water hazard or out of bounds be prepared to lose your sanity trying to retrieve it. You may have to face oncoming traffic, venomous reptiles, loose impediments and cliffhangers.

Note: There is no end to the average hacks yearning to keep and hoard every golf ball they come in contact with. Whether discolored, oval shaped, cracked or decrepit there seems to always be enough room in their bag for it.

Fact: Chops never meet golf balls they don't like.

2) Inform your player immediately if you believe the ball is in a hazard and or out of bounds. Prepare to be yelled at. Just repeat without emotion that their ball is out of play. Better to take your medicine now than to have the player retrace their steps.

Note: Make them play a provisional OR they may claim your life inconsequential!

3) If you are uncertain whether the ball went out of bounds, assume it's outtie-5 and signal so. If you are forecaddying perhaps this the opportune time to covertly plant one of your get-out-finding-a-ball-free pills.

Note: The #1 priority is to get through the round intact suffering as little pain as possible, any moral objections to ball fondling be damned. Your survival and bottom line are the ends which trump all means.

CaddyDigest Caddy Manual – The Fairway

THE FARIWAY

1) Walk well ahead, behind, but never alongside your player(s).

TIP: If somehow you got suckered into carrying the bag, rattle and make those clubs chirp like a flock of birds. Train the players’ ears as to how slugging golf bags are for the birds.

BONUS TIP: Be wise of your tracks, sometimes the overabundant gravity paid to golf rounds will make you feel as if you are walking through a minefield, every step life and limb.

2) When proceeding off the tee, move briskly to your player's ball (especially if you have an idea where it is).

TIP:Anytime you can, cheat ahead of the group as perceptions of how fast the round moves will naturally speed up.

3) As you approach your player's ball, yank the electronic range finder out and dole them a ballpark figure. Again if the club doesn't allow these devices to be used, train your eye for prognosticating rounded distance (doing this will save you thousands of pointless miles walked).

TIP: If a player demands the exact distance to the yard, ask them the exact yardage of their last shot. If they dare shoot you a look, refrain from giving this "expert" any additional information henceforth.

4) When arriving at the ball, make damn well sure it's you players’ egg. Lord knows they are too confused and or blind to do this for themselves.

TIP: Do not bring the bag anywhere near the ball. Players have a tendency to make golf bags and clubs fall to the ground.

BONUS TIP: Stay well away from that ticking-time-ball for any penalty incurred will always be your fault! Stand far away on any side of the ball that you wish, again look for shade.

5) Get them to make every shot-making decision possible. The less incite from you the better.

TIP: Avoid answering any questions about wind or flagstick locations. The center of the green is holy ground refer to it often. Once your player has selected their club, step away and try not to laugh.

BONUS TIP: You must try to maintain a straight face. Poker skills will be tested on almost every stroke. The Caddieyard poker training ground will be one of the best places to gain straight-faced skill assets. Skills that will pay many benefits in the future – be it in school, in business, or with your future spouse if you are so damned.

WARNING: If your chop is again playing through trees, turn and defend yourself from all possible ricochets. At times the innumerable hot and deadly rebounds possible may force your cadet submission to an on the ground, face down fetal position. Just drop and cover, for its better to eat dirt than to have your face caved in by some hack's "recovery shot".

6) After your player has hit and everyone's life has been spared, perform any smoke and mirror operation needed to avoid filling the divot(s) they may have produced.

TIP: Even though you may have supplied them with a clean club, they inevitably have nerve enough to hand a dirty club back to you. Do not clean that club, this is their mess! If you go around cleaning up after them they will grow accustomed and step all over you.

CaddyDigest Caddy Manual – The Putting Green

THE PUTTING GREEN

The putting green is arguably one of the most deadly places on the golf course – though let’s be clear, it is not as physically dangerous as it is psychologically horrifying.

You should be especially frightful when faced with your supposed duties here:

1) If your player is first to land on the green, it is your first responsibility to revel and cackle in the face of the opposition.

2) As soon as the ball is on or somewhat near the putting green hand the player their putter.

TIP: If the ball rests just off the green, sell them on how Texas Wedges are the 'it' thing these days.

3) The caddie’s player who putts first, or the caddie caught closest to the flagstick is stuck having to tend and or remove it. This is of course after dropping that ridiculous trunk they tricked you into carrying and catching your wind.

TIP: Leave your clean towel on the golf bag for sometimes they nerve enough to ask that you clean smut and grime off their balls. THEY HAVE tongues, fingers, and spit - again it's their dirt and their dirty doings!

4) If you are not hostage to the cumbersome flagstick, get to the edge of the green.

TIP: Golfers will speak of "line of putt" but those are just imaginary trip wires they use for torturing one another. They extend from each player's ball through the hole, beyond, and anywhere around the green’s surface or in between.

BONUS TIP: Stay the hell away from the hole if you can. When a player is putting keep clear of their line of sight. Try to pretend as if the outcome actually bears any importance or weight in life. Bet amongst your caddie peers to help enhance motivation and prevent uninspired looper acting.

5) If time permits prepare a flagstick sandwich for the following group. The next looper cursed with having to pull that flagstick could catch a two-stroke time bomb from below.

FLAGSTICK ATTENDANCE

1) Take a stab at which player is furthest from the hole as this person is "supposed" to putt first (although this is really up to debate when dealing with men golfers). Also remember, just being present on the putting green's surface alone opens you up to possible accusations of your ruining any player's line of putt anywhere on the golf course.

TIP: Suffice to say, you are damned whenever caught on the putting green’s surface. Take refuge on the fringe.

2) You can try to be aware of all the players’ ball positions but this will turn out to be futile. On putting greens, the amount of ball fondling and hole circling committed makes for complete and total caddie disorientation.

3) When you arrive at the flagstick, it is the exact opposite of home base in "manhunt" or "ghost in the graveyard". You are now IT! Though you may be innocent, you are now vulnerable and open to all forms of criticism and damnation.

4) Before you attempt to remove the cumbersome flagpole, BE SURE to give it a twist. You must deactivate any booby-traps planted prior to your arrival to the flag.

5) Never offer to attend the flagstick. Remember, during the round you are enslaved; of course the master wants to subject and control you! Never JUST forfeitthem the option.

6) Since many players are legally blind they inexorably petition out loud that you attend the flagstick, in this case you are screwed. Attending a pin is akin to crucifixion and yes you will be scorned with this torture at least once a round.

7) Like most mal-nourished and underdeveloped caddies reaching the actual flag will prove difficult. You must grab hold and tame the flag for it will blow in the wind distracting players who always demand absolute silence.

Shadows, imaginary lines of putts, wind gusts, and your breathing - all subject to player scrutinization throughout this evil ritual.

TIP: Stand so your feet are far from the hole; click them together like an official of the SS, take a deep breath – pucker tight and hold.

8) Once the player strikes their putt, now is the time for some showmanship and a bit of possible payback. Like a prized bullfighter awaiting a bull's attack, keep the flagstick within the cup. If by chance the players’ putt somehow tracks toward the hole you will enjoy maintaining the threat of a two-stroke penalty between you, your player, and their stroke of luck.

9) After all the player's have "holed out" (committed their 3-putt pickup yips and or corruptly given one another putts they never would have made otherwise) you must return the flagstick to the hole.

TIP: Unless you are playing in absolute twilight there will soon be more golfers reigning down on that green. It will probably mean your ass if you try to forego completing this final abusive step – you must jam the stick into it’s hole.

CaddyDigest Caddy Manual – Teamwork & Finish

TEAMWORK

Your ability to communicate in code with other caddies can make working a round more enjoyable and less dangerous.

The amount of laughs you get making fun of the players behind their backs will greatly be enhanced by the levels of sophisticated caddie lingo you attain.

Work as a team on the course. Help each other avoid rakes, flagsticks, dirt, mud, and sand traps.

Put aside any personal differences you and your colleagues may have for the time being, as these are the hours of class warfare - Serfs Vs. Lords

If you are the only caddie in the group - you will have to train your mind mentally to go on hiatus for hours on end.

To avoid doing player's dirty work master the art of shuck and jive. You must look as if your hands are full at all times.

If you got suckered into carrying not just one but two bags, it will be easier to loaf and warily walk the fine line of exhaustion. Players may even start grabbing a few clubs and get hip to what a sadistic ritual carrying bags truly is. At the turn they might get smart and have you put those lugs on a cart, though mentally you should never expect such a miracle coming to pass.

FINISHING A ROUND

1) Thank God you have finished the round! If you are an atheist, thank your lucky stars!

2) Now come the dark and eerie moments when players collude and conspire to underpay you and your colleagues. At this time the atmosphere will undoubtedly turn unpleasant.

TIP:Stand clear and far away if possible, players prefer to conspire in the cover of darkness while committing their sins.

3) Along with your lacking compensation, players may hand you some type of “performance ticket” (sometimes called a caddie chit) with the pretense that they took notice of anything you did out there.

4) Handshakes are a rarity, as most players avoid human contact. Regardless of this cold fact, you’re not going to find yourself caring all that much as you come to realize caddying is hardly ever a fair business deal.

5) Remember to (fake) thank your players and ask where they would like their bags misplaced. Also be certain to collect on or pay off any bets made between you and your co-caddie-misfits. Squelchers be damned in the ‘yard!

6) Don't sweat counting clubs, that's the player’s job. If they had the audacity to show up with a filthy disorganized bag, that's just the way they’re gettin’ it back!

7) Return to the caddiehole. If rent is due perhaps double-dip and turn another loop, otherwise get gone a.s.a.p.

TIP: Avoid all games, conversations, or any petitions for rides anywhere. Be thankful your stuff wasn't stolen while you were out on the course. Make like a ghost and vanish.

HEALTH & HINTS

Doctors agree that walking is one of the best forms of exercise for cardiovascular and muscular improvement.

We at CaddyDigest agree, walking can be healthy but do these doctors load their shoulders with 50 lbs. or more of needless weight surrounded by uncontrollable hack swings and their dangerous golf shots produced?

Fact:In one round of golf you can expect to trudge some five to eight miles depending on the amount of military golf you’re exposed to.

Fact: Exposure to caddieyards can limit one’s life expectancy inversely to the sum of years a looper is exposed to the ‘shack.Early introduction to carrying golf bags will reduce your IQ, limit your point-of-view, increase the amount of pointless sports information attained, and exponentially increase the number of vices developed in one's lifetime.

Can we get some health tips please?

Sure...

Take care of your feet. Make sure you only wear the most comfortable tennis shoes available. Keep your feet dry and avoid trench foot at all costs. Gold Bonds is not for the crotch alone!

Dress for horrible weather. Plan on it being freezoid or hotter than hell. Any temperatures experiences between will be fleeting. Prepare for the worst and only work for people with "NO PLAY IN THE RAIN" policies.

Be sure to eat a gargantuan breakfast. You may not even get a few minutes of pretzels and water at the halfway house. Assume you will not eat any food all day and yes, throughout the round somehow you’ll be expected to remain courteous and conscious while your blood pressure plummets to dangerous levels.

On extremely hot days, drink copious amounts of water. If the fountains are segregated between golf masters and servant slaves, shove the cart cleaning hose in your mouth and hydrate yourself.

INCENTIVES & REWARDS

Caddying offers many incentives and rewards to its participants. Hard work and dedication are usually the basis for being asked to participate in special programs or to receive special awards.

The use of blackmail, inducing guilt/pity, drug dealing to, and seducing or pandering to the membership may help in your success as a looper.

Your club may offer some of the following rewards listed below, ask you Caddiemaster for any disinformation:

PROMOTIONS:

When you begin caddying, many clubs make you waste an entire day shadowing (this is when you will be treated as a phantom or ghost). After days of aimlessly wandering the yard you may be called to work a job no one else would ever want. This is your final moment to quit and write off looping forever.

Clubs then classify those dim enough to stick around as class "B" caddies. These caddies are typically child labor law liabilities. They are almost all bored out of their minds and as tall as the golf bag itself.

Caddie classification systems are designed to divide and conquer yards of loopers. Whether they designate you a "B", "A", or worse yet an "honor caddie" you are still lower than life servant scum, you had better stick together.

CADDIE BANQUET:

Your club may host a caddie banquet in the fall or winter, many times as a Christmas celebration. The membership will claim it is to acknowledge outstanding caddies for the season but this is a lie. The real reason for such a gala is to remind the membership of how good they have it.

First they drag you and your co-misfits into the clubhouse to disorientate you. Once you are within their stuffy confines feeling sub-conscious they will ridicule and snicker at you and your lifestyles.

A second rate dinner and bottom shelf drinks are served at the price of your self-confidence and self-worth. The best-dressed looper competition and caddie talent show will be the lowlights of this humiliating event.

Finally the membership may hand out door prizes. This is the hint that you should hit the exits as these “prizes” many times are bottom of the barrel golf equipment liquidations by the Head Golf Profession or un-hit-able golf clubs the members have sworn off.

If there are ever sport event tickets handed out, it will be the one and only year of this occurring. It is inevitable caddie attendance at the game will have the gift giving season ticket holder banished from wherever the sporting event is held.

MONDAY GOLF:

Most golf clubs pretend to close on Mondays. Your clubs may offer "caddie golf" on these days. The membership proclaims it is a privilege for you to be allowed to play on such days. Do not be fooled!

The truth of it is, they want you out there learning the intricacies of the course. Later on, members will hire and underpay you for any in-depth knowledge you might have gained.

Make no mistake, as Monday is a workday no different than any other. You will be treated lower than pond scum and your Caddiemaster will use this 'privilege' as blackmail.

You will also have to bow sheepishly to the droves of members STILL showing up and playing that day. Even if the member groups are slower than your looper group, they will green light right through you and yours.

A question all caddies must ask themselves is "Who the hell wants to be caught dead at work on their day off anyway?”

Acquire friends in the golf industry and avoid playing at your respective course of work - Caddie Day included!

Caddie Day 1997

CADDIESCHOLARSHIPS:

There are rumors of elusive 4-year full tuition and housing college scholarships. They are rewarded based on academic excellence, years of caddie enslavement, and how documented your depressed home life is.

Houghty-toughty associations (those that like their drudges humble and easily controlled) often sponsor caddie scholarships.

If it is a club-funded scholarship, you may actually stand the chance of being awarded the funds, though they will barely cover the fees associated with your massive undergraduate loans.