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A Slightly Modest Proposal

February 24, 2014

For too long, the inequity of random homicides has plagued our country. But now a solution has been offered courtesy of the Stand Your Groundless Fear of Black Coalition, the billionaire Smoke-and-Mirrors brothers, and the good people at the National Cowboys-and-Dead-Indians Rifle Association.

For a limited time only, professional black men, those who have earned advanced degrees and have befriended countless white Americans, will be given the opportunity to shoot white boys without retribution. Special concessions will be made for those of mixed race who can verify that a former president failed to pull out after raping his kin.

Once eligibility is confirmed, these select men will be trained in the art of ignorance and learn how to track unsuspecting white boys with the recently declassified privilege whistle made from an alloy of unstable compounds that, when optimally crafted, emits high pitch sounds audible only to those whose childhoods have marched along unobstructed. To ensure that a significant number have been sacrificed, some black men will receive special training to recognize the inherent danger in groups of white boys listening to Chopin at unreasonable volumes. Others will be trained to identify the most dangerous dissidents, the urchins clad in long-sleeve shirts, shorts, and flip flops who walk home alone in snowstorms with bags of trail mix.

There are limitations to who will be shot however. Because shooting them while handcuffed is too easy, we will refrain from this practice. Those walking peacefully to safety after natural disasters will be spared unless the disaster is man-made, say a fracking explosion. Killing boys who seek help in the wake of car accidents is still under consideration depending on the make and model. Proof of insurance and registration must be reviewed, however, which creates an undesirable lag between the time they present themselves and are shot.

Act fast because space is limited. Too many black boys are dying unfairly without earning their place instead the criminal justice system. Killings will begin soon and occur in the whitest places in America. It’s time for black men to step up and restore our traditional family values. Let’s take back our country one white death at a time! Please visit us at Americaisfailingusall.com to apply.