How to Stop Being Manipulated by a Martyr Complex Sufferer

We’ve all come across Martyrs in our lives. These are the people who come across as being unusually helpful, agreeable, self-sacrificing, and even “saintly.”

Due to specific cultural, societal, or religious upbringings, these people have adopted the following false beliefs and perceptions about life:

They must willfully suffer in the name of love.

Everything will fall apart if they aren’t there to hold it together.

They are responsible for everyone else’s well-being and happiness.

Other people are responsible for their unhappiness, hardship and mistreatment – not them.

Because they sacrifice so much, other people must agree with, obey or appease them 100% of the time.

If they are no value to anyone, they are worthless.

Those suffering from the martyr complex also possess a deeply neurotic core belief that “they are bad” and thus must reassure themselves of their innocence through self-sacrifice and displays of self-aggrandizement. Unfortunately, the Martyr’s deep-seated belief that they are inherently “unworthy” means that they unconsciously attract/set up situations where they will be abused or taken for granted – consequently manipulating and guilt-tripping others – thus reconfirming their belief that they are “bad” and therefore deserve “bad things.”

Essentially, if you live with a Martyr, you’ll find that they are constantly finding ways to prove that they are good, while at the same time inviting situations that make them feel “bad”; for example, staying in abusive relationships, allowing themselves to be used, stirring up unnecessary arguments, creating drama.

So what can you do if you’re on the receiving end of a martyr complex? We’ll explore that in this article. However, if you feel as though YOU are the one struggling with a martyr complex, please read this and this article.

How to Live With, Love and Interact With a Martyr Complex Sufferer

Try searching “how to deal with a martyr complex sufferer” online, and you won’t find a lot of useful advice. In fact, there is virtually NOTHING (at the time of writing) on the topic that I have found that is remotely useful. Most people recommend “just ignoring” these types of people, and in my experience, that is completely useless, not to mention destructive.

So this article, I hope, will be a like a nugget of gold.

I’ve had a lot of experience with Martyr’s, and I’ve seen this complex exhibited in both sexes, a wide range of ages, and many different races – and I’ve also lived with them before. What I’ve always found is that Martyr’s tend to be sensitive types of people that suffer from low self-esteem. Thus excessive self-sacrifice is used as a way of regaining that sense of “goodness” and “worthiness” that they feel they lack. When a Martyr’s sacrifice is not acknowledged (and to them it must be frequently acknowledged with a 100% outpouring of gratitude … OR ELSE), they build up an immense amount of anger, resentment and bitterness. This later erupts in fierce arguments, silent treatments, emotional manipulation and blackmail (such as causing others to feel guilty or ashamed), and health problems.

I know all these things because I have been there before and continue to deal with Martyrs in my life. When you do not give a Martyr his or her sense of worth through praise, adoration and worship, there is hell to pay. Why? Because you are depriving them of the one thing they desire the most: to feel good about themselves.

So what do you do? Most people either play the Martyr’s game, or completely reject them altogether and verge on blatant exploitation. But luckily these are not the only two paths – there is actually another path, which I call “the path of the middle” which causes the least amount of harm to you and to them.

The more you take from a Martyr, the more they’ll expect from you, and the more likely they will feel resentful towards you and create drama in the future. Of course, I don’t mean completely rejecting anything a Martyr has to do or give to you – I actually recommend that you accept something from them once in a while just to let them know that you aren’t completely snubbing them. But ensure that you don’t rely on the Martyr, because you could very well be perpetuating their complex. This is very important. You need to learn to be as self-sufficient as possible.

For example, if you live with a parent or family member that is always cooking for you, tell them honestly that you would prefer to cook your own food for most of the week and give them a reason why (e.g. you want to be more independent, you want to learn how to cook, etc.). On the other hand, you could volunteer to help each time they cook, taking away their individualistic desire to self-sacrifice.

2. Acknowledge or agree with them, but don’t fulfill their need for pity, approval or sympathy.

For instance, if you have a friend who tells you how she stayed up all night knitting a blanket for the local fair that you run, don’t give her pity or sympathy (after all, that was her own choice). Instead acknowledge details about the situation, e.g. “Yeah, it’s going to be a big fair” or, “It must look really nice” or, “What yarn did you use?” NOT, “Oh, you poor thing” or, “Wow, you must be feeling so tired” etc.

Another example could be your partner telling you “I spent all morning scrubbing the kitchen – 3 hours non-stop. Now my fingers are swelled up.” In response to this, you could acknowledge or agree, e.g. “Yes, I noticed that it was really dirty. I would have liked to help” or, “It smells nice – did you use tea tree oil?” NOT “Wow, I’m sorry that I didn’t do it earlier!” or, “Thank you so much, you’re an angel.”

With the Martyr it is much better to express your appreciation of them through actions rather than through words. Also, by not giving the Martyr pity, approval or sympathy, you don’t set yourself up to be guilt-tripped or manipulated, and you don’t actively enable their self-destructive behavior. Instead, they have no choice but to deal with the unnecessary extremity of their actions.

3. Be courageous and speak to them honestly.

First of all you need to realize (and probably already do) that being honest with anyone feels uncomfortable. If you open up to the Martyr in your life about how you feel, you will likely be met with denial, tears, or offense – or a combination of all three. Even so, if you care about the Martyr in your life, you need to plant that seed within them, letting them know that they really do have a problem which needs to be worked on. Here are some do’s and don’ts when it comes to having a heart-to-heart with the Martyr in your life.

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Organize or find an appropriate time to talk (that is not full of distraction or drama). The kitchen and bedroom is a good place, as well as the outdoors (in a quiet place).

Open the conversation by telling them how much you value them and appreciate their effort.

Follow by letting them know that you’ve noticed how their behavior tends to be unnecessarily self-sacrificing, and the detrimental results of this behavior on both you, your family/friends, and them.

Be aware that they will most likely go into denial instantly. On the other hand, they will probably point the finger at you and start criticizing your flaws to take the attention off them. Be aware of your own tendency to get offended and defensive (which will ruin the entire conversation), so acknowledge what they say, agree with them, but re-establish what the conversation is about.

Give them clear examples of their behavior. Be aware that they will try to argue their case, and listen to it (because there is a chance YOU could be wrong). But also remember to keep on-course and give them good reasons why you are bringing the subject up.

They might lapse into self-pity, in which case you can comfort them, but also talk to them about the need for them to take time to love and appreciate themselves rather than always expecting others to.

If they agree that they have a problem, talk about how to resolve it. E.g. They could go see a therapist, or they could enroll in a self-help course, or buy a book on the topic. You could even volunteer to let them know in the future when they are slipping into the Martyr role to give them helping hand.

Don’t:

Don’t become defensive, angry or argumentative. YES it is tempting, but you need to start the conversation from a place of calmness and understanding. People who suffer from martyr complexes are almost always completely unaware of what they’re doing. Their behavior is the result of a lack of self-awareness and self-love.

Don’t criticize THEM personally, only their BEHAVIOR. Talk in terms of “I’ve noticed that the behavior you show …” or “Your behavior is unsettling …” INSTEAD OF “You are manipulating me,” “You’re always doing this …”

Don’t talk to them when they are already stressed out or busy. Have the conversation in the right time and place.

Don’t expect the conversation to go perfectly. Likely it will be challenging, and you might need to revisit it quite a few times before it sinks in. In other cases (in the instance of old people), the conversation could be completely pointless in terms of expecting them to change. But being open about how you feel really helps to clear the air and it helps to encourage the Martyr in your life to be more self-aware in the future.

Keyword: Understand

Understanding why a person in your life has a martyr complex is the best way of forgiving them, loving them and living with them. This doesn’t mean that you need to approve what they do, or allow yourself to be manipulated, but it does mean that you can experience more freedom and happiness, not letting pent up emotions ruin your mental and emotional health.

So let me know below in the comments what you think: at what point is it worth ending a connection with a martyr? And how have YOU dealt with Martyrs before in your life?

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About Aletheia Luna

Aletheia Luna is an influential psychospiritual writer whose work has changed the lives of thousands of people worldwide. After escaping the religious sect she was raised in, Luna experienced a profound existential crisis that led to her spiritual awakening. As a spiritual counselor, diviner, and author, Luna's mission is to help others become conscious of their entrapment and find joy, empowerment, and liberation in any circumstance. [Read More]

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None is this works. They’re toxic people and you need to distance themselves from them eventually no matter who they are. They’re usually by far not worth the time and effort required and will fight you the whole way. They have to realize and seek help on their own merit or it never ends.

Don’t feel bad about accepting “gifts” as you’ve well and truly already paid for them by being emotionally abused and guilt tripped. If anything, take what you can and then quickly RUN. Close that door for as long as it takes. Let them boil in their own self pity.

You look at the root causes but I’ve got to say I only really care about the outer expression. This behavior, whatever the reason, destroyed my marriage. My wife’s martyrdom seemed only a part of the equation that more often appeared as endless complaining, controlling, micro micro managing, muttering, grumbling, negativity, nitpicking, constant correction all wrapped up in a nice bundle of ‘this is all your fault’. Is that a martyr complex ? Could be. Or it’s a kind of OCD and rage. Martyrs love being miserable almost as much as they love making you miserable. But since no one can ever feel as sorry for them as they do it’s a black hole of need. At least that’s how my wife was. Why solve or just attempt to address a problem when you can spend a million times more effort whining about it? They don’t want it fixed they want to complain about how you don’t fix it. And even if you did you failed at it according to her because everyone secretly hates her. Anyway the basic question you have to ask yourself is would even go on a date with a martyr if you this is what they were or if they were unable to hide it? Probably not. So whether there’s some way to fix it or cope with it or ignore it, the price is far too high.

My girlfriend has this in spades. Self induced stress that she has to deal with. Never apologizes, question her at your peril. ” have i got to do everything? ” is something I hear a lot. She can find offence anywhere, anytime. It seems to come in waves every few weeks.

The bottom line is Martyr’s actions can be seen as helpful by some, but the motivation is usually to focus away from themselves and instead control others. It’s a defense mechanism that people learn through truama. It does not make you crazy or mentally ill. Helping someone to become more independent is not on their agenda per se. Surrounding themselves with “needy” people to feel good about themselves is more laymans terms. When it becomes such a trait that it interferes with work, family, friends, then it probably has blended in with some narcissism or borderline personality. Just remember, personality disordered people lack the ability to be aware of their behavior, however they are able to react to and orchestrate via through others via acting out the drama.

I believe my Mother is so deeply rooted into her martyrdom that nothing can be done. She has eliminated anyone who can really help her and embraced those who “help” with their own agenda and schemes and of course will eventually harm or hurt her.
70+ years of her low self esteem has taken her to a place she would fight to the death to protect that carefully built lifestyle
I considered buying her a hairshirt.

I totally see my older siblings described here, and a bit of myself. Tho more so in them. Very controling, full of rage, blame, and absolute refusal to accept responsibility for the damage these & other things cause (like their divisiveness). As we are all adults, and they have harmed me so much (euthanized my dad, cut me off from access to my mother, and completely closed to reason), I don’t see a future as a family. Why bother? I do pity them & know they suffered from my parents, but so did I, and they had each other for support, while after they left, I had no one on my side (even when they were there, they only stuck together.) so one family death is suddenly death of an entire family… but no funerals. (Even Dad did t want one). I’ll battle my own tendencies & hope anyone out there reading will do the same, because this martyr shit is so destructive…

Would it be appropriate to send my brother this article? My sib is in raging denial. He wants to ‘move on’ from the latest upset, as usual. He needs to apologize to me too. At this point he is accepting No responsibility for his actions. Won’t even discuss it. Seems only aware of his being hurt, noone else’s. Always there are justifications when he fully believes. He needs to take a look at himself, as he has multiple health issues that are distinctly possibly exacerbated by his issues and seeking behaviors. I wish for him to be able to live a fuller life. It’s hard to help if he won’t listen at all, and I am not sure I can take care of myself with the craziness. However he is my bro…..

I really enjoyed this article about how better deal with self-sacrificing people. I think with the evolution of feminism there has been a lot development in this area with woman, and thus I have seen it much less esteemed. I have been in a few situations like this in former work relationship where because I was very passive in not expressing the problem of self-sacrifice and not confronting the problem it turned into a lot of built up resentment and revenge. The problem really got resolved when I forgave and implemented many the strategies above. Really finding harmony in what is needed and I feel from that experience I have better learned to not take the sacrifice from the offers of self-sacrificing woman.

Now I didn’t mean to say all woman are self-sacrificing as a stereotype, it’s just been expected by society and gender roles to be the “nurturer”. Although feminism collectively has helped desolve this problem quite a bit.

I have noticed in my own journey of de conditioning from masculinity that a similar expectation towards men being the “provider” causes a Martyr Complex with men. Where society expects woman, to a degree, to sacrifice in areas like housework or nurturing. Gender Role expectations for men dictate that it is good to conform to the self sacrifice of things like work.

For example I got to see my Grandpa say to a family member that “I work hard for my money”, so in revenge “I’m going to starve you out of the house because I’m the one slaving away at my job”. Many men also work gruelling jobs like construction and painting and are quite frankly miserable and use this sacrifice to justify manipulative behaviour as well. From my own experience I find it more difficult to get through to fellow men that it is not needed to sacrifice in a job than it is to woman in my personal experience from deeply understanding gender roles.

What are some similar experiences with Men Self-Sacrificing that anybody here has experienced?

Unfortunately, the martyr in my life is my mother. I love her, but her behavior (to which my dad is an accomplice, he has something different) is so deeply ingrained that I fear what might happen if I bring this up. I have brought it up in arguments, but that is not productive.

Our family is close to self-destruction. Last night my sister attempted suicide by running towards a window. They were there, and tried dragging her in, but if I had not heard the commotion and ran upstairs to help, she may have completed. This is one of the many dimensions this problem has manifested in, and I am trying to do what I can.

I also question myself; mental illness in the form of depression, chronic fatigue, and anxiety plague me. Medication helps, but I wonder if I am destined for this. I believe if I can fix this, I can fix myself. The psychological impact of being around all of this emotional turmoil is harrowing. All said, the behavior exhibited by my mother and kin is on a much higher level, but to what degree can I trust myself? Am I rational, and are the solutions quite as simple as I believe them to be?

My other sister was the original black sheep. She was into drugs at an early age, and has caused immeasurable harm to herself, and our family; yet, the blame isn’t hers to shoulder, not until it is equally assigned to her enablers, my parents.

The enabling of these two sisters comes in many forms: financial support without any attempt to restrict it to essentials, child care, shelter, jail bonds, and a general lack of spine required to stop them. I mentioned my dad is equally guilty – he has been the financial support. I’ve even witnessed him being complicit in borderline illegal activity rather than have the courage to say no. The infuriating part is that when I call him on this he reflects it on me.

Yes, I have faults, but I have never accepted the victim label. I have paid back any money I’ve borrowed, yet I am lumped in their category. Unlike them, I have never engaged in destructive behavior, done hard drugs, been a raging alcoholic, and/or forced others to suffer. By others, I mean their children. They are the ones who I truly want to save. It may be too late for the others.

I know this is a rambling comment, but I wanted to demonstrate how all of this has its roots, and who suffers the repercussions. I want this madness to stop with my generation. I just need a lot of strength, and prepare to endure the worst. Maybe that means I’m a martyr as well.

WOW. JUST WOW. I’ve been reading quite a few of your articles. and i just happen t0 click on this randomly…but the first parah just floored me. Having been an old soul ,an outcast and a suffer of the martyr complex, I’ve realized, why I’ve always complained about having felt good for helping in NGO’s ,As though feeling good about my selfworth was a bad thing … AS if, helping others was for a selfish reason. NOw I understand, why I have always felt that way. and yes I”m glad that I realized the self-love part before I came across your lines. But Thank-you for writing an article, that helps me better understand the personality I possessed before. I totally can identify with all the needs, and I also understand my mothers way of living better… I”m just glad I’m out of that phase though.Everyone requires love. But first it must come form withing one-self for oneself. And praying for the safety of others each day without their knowing is the deepest most purest form of love I’ve come-across. Because that doesn’t make me feel like I’m a better person like I:m worthy no, instead it subdues that overly-sacrificing nature of mine and instead its quite humbling . to pray for the world because, when you’re praying for peace to befall on this world and our brotherly humans alike ,it doesn’t make your ego feel good but your soul somehow finds peace too. by prayer I do not mean some earthly personification of the idea of god. Just a prayer send out to this vast universe.

God in hevan, this is my mother in a nutshell. Trying to start a writing/art career with a parent like this sure is interesting. I can’t discuss my progress or plans like a normal aspiring author is supposed to, because I run the risk of her deciding to “help” (without telling me). Thanks so much for writing this, I’m glad I’m not alone.

If you are the one who has the complex it isn’t always necessary to “come out” as such, unless you want to right many of the wrongs you’ve unconsciously wrought to your close family and friends. In such a case you follow the instructions above (finding a good time and place), but reversed.

I’ve got two martyrs in my life: mother and sister and both have the added personality trait of revenge. Fun for me: NOT. I’ve adopted the first approach for some time now: not accepting things from them and doing my best to be very self-sufficient. Down to the basics now. What was hard was that I had to give up my nephew in the dog form. I love him so much but couldn’t handle the constant manipulations from the sister just to see him. So for two years I have not seen him. And coincidentally, just as this article comes out, he has been dropped off with me for a month. I guess after the human niece and nephew were born, she couldn’t handle three ‘kids’ at once. Still waiting to meet the little humans, who are 2 and 1 years of age, but at least some of my ‘punishment’ (with her need for help) has been lifted. I guess time sometimes is the best thing to give these types so they come around when they’re ready, or more in this case, when they need help.

Very interesting article! In my country we name those martyrs complex sufferers “narcissic perverts” because they exploit each situation as something to elevate their low self-esteem. I haven’t found anything in english to explain the concept to my english friends so your article might be useful if I ever talk of them to an english friend again, so thank you!

I once knew one which caused me a lot of harm because she were insisting that I was the one with a martyr complex (fact is I have always been willing to change my habits, control myself and engage in peaceful talks) yet she made me felt like it was never enough, she was just taking more responsibilities without telling me anything. And ignoring her was indeed one of the worse idea…
I don’t see her anymore so I can’t tell if she changed but I’ve heard that she still got in trouble with a lot of people in the meantime. However, I like to think that the more people notice a martyr complex sufferer’s bad habits and tell them peacefully, the more they might be prone to seek help for their problem. Unfortunately I wasn’t in the position to give her this lesson, but who know, maybe someone will tell her and she will change.

My mother also used to act like this at some point, but I left her to face her own problems and it seems that she moved forward since then, so perhaps we can stop a martyr’s complex by letting them face the loss that they fear the most. It might seems mean but since my mother got away in a better state than this other person I knew I wonder if this isn’t a good solution… Even though I’m still somehow filled with guilt of leaving my mother.

In any case, I hope that all the people dealing with one of them find the support that they need. And I wish them a dose of bravery to face martyr’s complex sufferers because it can be hard at times, but don’t give up!

Excellent article. My mother has a martyr complex.
A couple of years ago, my sister and I were so irritated at one point that we had a kitchen conversation with her. Unfortunately, I wasn’t as aware then as I am now, so we didn’t stay calm, we just exploded. I wish I had read an article like this one at the time. We are still in touch but she’s deep in denial and I think she will probably never try to get some help. I try to act like what you describe, it seems the best thing we can do.

Hi Aletheia, thank you for the article. Very interesting (being a martyr myself, unfortunatelyl) to see things from the other perspective. One thought struck me as I read, though (and admittedly I only had time for a quick skim read – perhaps I missed something). You made a very valid point at the beginning, namely that martyrs feel an intense need to “do” for other people in order to prove their worth (to those other people/to themselves) – very, very true….But your article (again, unless I missed it – apologies if I did) didn’t suggest the one thing that might help a martyr feel secure: namely to be told/shown that their importance/worth isn’t based on what they “do”, but on who they are (and yes, they will struggle hugely to believe this, but it’s what they need to understand). If they can be helped to feel more secure by just being, rather than doing, it goes some way to alleviate the drive behind martyrdom behaviours…..namely to be seen, and to feel valued. And that obviously doesn’t take anything away from the fact that martyrs absolutely do need to help themselves in this regard, and find their own self-worth, rather than constantly looking externally for that approval. Just a thought….(and thanks again for the article, and its precursor).

Well now I realize that my fears were founded over this man I met on a dating website, who seemed like the perfect guy but has a martyr complex. unfortunately I am the very bottom on his list of those who he has stacked on top of me and that he needs to help in order to increase his self-esteem and not feel abandoned in particular his daughter whose mother left him and he has basically put in her place as a new wife! I don’t really understand why he wanted a woman but it’s looking more and more like he just wanted someone to have sex with. it’s very sick and it makes me really uncomfortable to be in the situation so it looks like I’m going to have to end the relationship and become completely self-sufficient and it’s very sad because he’s a very caring sweet Intimate man. I think my best course of action is to present this behavior to him, and to let him know that if he can deal with it and let his daughter go off on her own that perhaps we can pursue a relationship later on. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. This is truly heartbreaking.

This is exactly the vibe I get from my mother who has a martyr complex. She desperately wants to be SEEN. But to be honest, I don’t know what that means. I don’t know in what ways does she wants to be seen for who she is and what I can do to help her without harming myself in the process. I’m an empath and this has been a real challenge for me. I have recently decided to simply detach myself from her because I just couldn’t figure out how to traverse this situation without burning myself out. But I’m still very much emotionally tied to her because she’s making me feel guilty. I’ve done what I can to talk to her about self-empowerment without being preachy. I keep on suggesting ways that I think might help her. She simply dismisses them and sticks to her habits, still. She keeps on repeating the same dramatic narratives.

My mum works herself into the ground, works all her days off, does all the cooking and cleaning for my adult siblings who live with her, and refuses to do anything that might give her any pleasure.

She talks about how exhausted she is and looks so tired and sick. She complains about how she does everything in the house but doesn’t ask anyone to help her.

She talks about how she will end up alone but refuses to date anyone. She refuses invites from people who try to be her friend, won’t go out anywhere nice or do anything for herself.

She won’t buy herself new clothes, or spend any money on herself at all, she just gives it all to my siblings. She walks their dog (it’s not hers) and takes care of all the pets, cooks, cleans, does everyone’s washing and ironing.

Last time we went out for dinner, there was something she was allergic to in her food and instead of switching her meal she sat through dinner and wouldn’t eat anything, and I had to watch her go hungry.

My siblings are going to their partner’s parents’ houses for Christmas and I invited her to my partner’s parents house so she won’t be alone, but she is insisting on sitting at home alone on Christmas day instead.

Her behaviour is killing me. Watching someone you love suffer is worse than suffering yourself, and she is forcing me to watch her self-inflicted suffering every day. How do I cope with this? I know my mum will never admit it or change and I can’t stand to see her hurt herself constantly. Please help me.

Zia you sound exactly like me and I am going through the same exact thing with my mother who is also definitely a maryter. She is 70+ years old and we have had problems since I was a child. I have recently distanced myself from her which results in me distancing myself from my father as well who is an enabler. This has been incredibly hard to do but something that needed to be done as all of the stress she causes me was effecting my health. I just wanted you to know you sharing your story or situation gave me some comfort knowing I am not the only one going through this and someone else had also had to cut their mother out of their lives. I will be her for my mother when she is ready for help but until them I need to take care of myself. Thank you for sharing

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Walk the path less traveled

Our names are Aletheia Luna and Mateo Sol and we currently live in Perth, Western Australia.

Our mission is to help others embrace the path of the lone wolf and listen to the soul’s calling. Our goal is to provide a grounded and balanced perspective of spirituality that doesn’t bypass the raw, real, and messy aspects of spiritual growth or psychological development.

We are deeply drawn to exploring and exposing both the light and shadow side of human nature and spirituality. We strive towards integration, balance, wholeness, and embracing both the sacred and wild aspects of being human. Read more.