That last one you shared made me realize why I noped out of contact during my first pregnancy whennmom decided to inform me "I'm a little hormonal right now and I will be for a bit after the baby comes out" as one massive broom to rug sweep the shit she was going to pull in the months ahead.

They know. They know exactly what they're doing and it's sickening they pick at the weakest of times. I'm sorry you've experienced the same bs treatment, it's tough to feel that invalidated.

My mum did the same to my older bro. His wife had serious problems during birth and resulted in her being suicidal for months after the birth. My mum lied and made it all about her when she went over to see the kid one day while my bros wife was about to kill herself.. nmum made it up that my brothers wife was banning her from seeing the kid and spouted “it’s my grandchild” statements. Tore my family apart and found out later my mum lied about it all.
I was also in jail for a while, my mum and dad didn’t know til the day I got out, first thing my nmum said was “you’ll never understand what you put me through”.. had a lacerated kidney and busted up from a fight in there and was met with that as I walked thru the door. I was 20 and just made a silly mistake. The reason I didn’t tell them is bc my nmum had manipulated me into thinking my dad was always about to die from a heart attack which was my fault and any stress will kill him, so when I got sentenced to jail I thought the best thing was to not tell them so I did it solo to not stress my dad out. My dad is now 84 this was 20 years ago and I’m NC with both. How’s that for nparenting at its finest!
Hope you get thru yours. Only way out is NC

I can relate to your first pregnancy. When my brother and his wife had their first child Mum was just peed fucken off as she wasn't told and invited first to the hospital.

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I still remember when we got there, the drive to the hospital. Constant yelling at my Dad and Me on the way to the hospital. Ok we arrive at the hospital, my bro is holding his first born, you know the baby that everything is about and my Mum's first grandchild well my Mum is just screaming there at my brother not even acknowledging the child until later. So these are the kind of memories she is good at destroying.

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I didn't appreciate it at the time as my so called significant milestones were ruined but it forced me to explore further and find a different sense of appreciation for my parents as the word hate is very strong. For me it also different as we are from a different culture living in Australia. I came here at 3 and didn't appreciate the challenges for them as I was getting hurt emotionally and had been since a little child.

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I know Mum won't ever get it but I have learnt how to communicate with her now which is significant but me and Dad get what's happening and he hasn't wanted to talk out of shame and I didn't understand that.

I remember way back before I left to go overseas for a holiday, my Nmum threatened to “get rid” of my dogs if I went away. My pets are like my babies so that upset me and I ended up crying. I remember her getting in my face and telling to “Stop crying or I’ll really give you something to cry about,” and then quickly after that “now shut up before your father gets home”

I also had the first one here. Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about. That and "shut up you're embarrassing me" followed by a little whack. Apparently there was nothing to ever cry about. Even the day I attempted suicide in front of them, I was causing too much of a scene and I just had to behave for them. They stopped screaming when I stopped crying and left.

When I'd call her out in her own lies though, she would get very upset and cry loudly. Then I was forced to apologize for causing the problem by Edad.

A close friend of mine tragically and suddenly died a few years ago. I was in her room talking with her when I received the news. I frantically texted my friends to find out what happened, and I was crying. My mother’s response not even 5 minutes after I found out was “Are you just going to sit here and cry?”. Cold as cold can be. I couldn’t believe it.

Another time my car slipped on some black ice on the highway. I almost went over a huge bank and would have certainly died. I was about 2 minutes from home and I came into the house crying. I was so panicked and upset and she says “you’re alive aren’t you? You’re the most dramatic person I know.”

I’ve learned to hide my emotions. When I feel something, i put on a straight face and completely dissociate.

But of course... she cries every time we fight. And of course.. I’m left feeling guilty and shameful. This type of abuse is SO damaging.

YUP. My nmom loved to tell people how dramatic I was, and yet she literally referred to herself as a "volcano" when she would scream at us--it became a threat, that if we didn't do what she wanted, she was going to become a volcano.

If I ever dared to show emotion or cry, she immediately mirrored the emotion, but on a much larger scale so that the attention was on her. I came home crying because I got bullied at school? She would start WAILING about how HARD it was for HER that HER DAUGHTER got bullied. Fun times.

If you have the balls to do this (or you get fed the fuck up), next time you fight and she starts crying...

Let ALL that rage out. Yell at her how she’s a piece of shit for calling you dramatic when she’s free to cry and have emotions — she’s free to be a human being. Meanwhile she’s shut you down for being human.

Or just wait until she’s crying in an argument and call HER a crybaby. Test the waters on how much of a gaslighting bitch she’ll be after that.

Our last major argument right before we went NC and I was totally calm and chill until she started crying (get this - because I asked her to apologize).

I completely lost it. I know it didn't do anything to change her, but it felt good to finally redirect all of the gaslighting bullshit on her that she did to me for YEARS. I cussed her out. Told her to stop being so fkn dramatic. Told her to stop crying. Told her to grow a pair, and that if she couldn't handle being yelled at then she shouldn't say such hurtful garbage. Quoted her verbally abusive statements verbatim, and watched her stutter now that I'd beaten her to the punch.

It's amazing how quickly she was able to compose herself once she realized I'd completely seen through all her crybaby bullshit. Am I proud that I did so in front of my little sister? Not really. Did it feel good? Nah.

I could’ve written this myself! Feels so good to hear how it’s played out almost the exact same for somebody else.

When I moved out without telling her until most of my stuff was already safe, she called me in tears asking how could I do this “to her” after all she’s done for me? I started off calmly trying to explain but she wouldn’t let me get a word in without straight up denying and invalidating everything I felt, once again, as if it was even surprising at this point.

Finally I just exploded on her telling her the same stuff about how it’s not fair she’s allowed to be as nasty as she wants and everyone else is expected to just suck it up, she should be able to handle a taste of her own medicine. She hung up on me so I called her right back and before I could speak she said, “why are you even calling if I’m such a cold heartless piece of shit mom who never cares about you?” and hung up again.

I never said any of that but ok. Like op, I tried to just send a few loving yet distant texts over the next few weeks and each one went ignored. Evidence leads me to believe she’s either blocked me or just plain not reading them.

I did feel bad at first but the more time passes the better I feel. Thank fuck I don’t have to put up with it anymore. I can just ignore her and go on about my own life too!

Yes, this absolutely happened to me, too. And did until I recently went NC with her. She berated anyone that had any feelings. Growing up, we all - me and my two brothers- had to tip toe around all of her feelings. And let me tell you, her emotions were severely unbalanced and scary.

This was ingrained in me so much that I realized recently that I tease my husband for tearing up at emotional shows (like This Is Us, for context). After a bit of therapy, I really internalized this. And today, I sincerely apologized him for this awful habit. I know I’ll be more cognizant in the future.

My final word: feeling your feelings is primo! I hope you are working on bearing your emotions too :)

My final word: feeling you feelings is primo! I hope you are working on bearing your emotions too :)

This is beautiful to me. Coming onto /rbn I started to worry that I was also a malignant narcissist, since I was raised by them and have always been attracted to them, it would be natural for me to develop some of these tendencies. Then I read the helpful /rbn thread that addressed this very fear and learned that the difference between myself and the narcs is that I am willing to apologize, take accountability, see my own part in things and if I hurt you, even if it was by accident, I will apologize and try to make it right. I wasn’t 100% on the accountability thing and in danger of slipping into narc behavior before I found (was referred to?) /rbn. My husband and best friend have both reported progress: now if you tell me I hurt you I will immediately humble myself and try to make it right. I am modeling the behavior in my own life that, if my nmom could perform, would heal our NC to an LC or even regular contact with boundaries. She hurts me because she has been hurt. Excuses like that may be the reason to react in so and so way but it doesn’t make that reaction justifiable.

Good on you for seeing your learned behavior, taking the steps to address it, and then apologizing to the person you love for hurting them. It is tough work being self aware in this way so kuddos to you for taking these steps. This is something narcs cannot do.

She hurts me because she has been hurt. Excuses like that may be the reason to react in so and so way but it doesn’t make that reaction justifiable.

This. This exact statement is what sets you apart from any narc (and any person who uses past trauma to justify toxic behavior). Just wanted to offer a hats-off to you because a lot of people never ever come to this realization and it's even harder to attempt to repair your behavior.

Omg I didn’t know this was abuse?? My nmom always said she’d give me something to cry about or say I’m being too emotional. Or that I’m too dramatic, etc. Once I told my brother something when I was like 12 that she told me and she acted like her whole life ended, like she couldn’t trust anyone and was sobbing in front of my grandmother.

She didn’t even really hug us. I remember growing up I didn’t like hugs / they felt awkward. Naturally I had a totally different view point than her. I encourage emotions in my partners and friends, I love hugs now. But in the back of my mind sometimes I’m insensitive because I was taught to be that way.

Classic narcissist. My mom hardly ever gave me hugs or held me when I was having a hard time. She once told me about how often she held me as a child but I couldn't remember it happening. I don't think my parents ever physically comforted me when I was a child. No wonder I need therapy.

I HATED hugs growing up! It felt like an obligation when greeting/leaving someone, and not comforting at all.

Now I enjoy it and understand it. You hug people you care about, and it feels nice!

I was upset this summer, and my new boyfriend just held me and stroked my hair, and I told him “is this what being comforted is like? Is this what normal moms do? This is AWESOME!! EVERYONE SHOULD FEEL THIS!”

I used to hide in my room and cuddle my cat when I was upset growing up, because my mom would tell me I had no reason to be upset and make me feel worse.

Amazing how some boyfriends are so gentle and caring. When I was younger, my hair was pulled a lot when my nmom was annoyed with me so I remember I HATED people playing with my hair. Girls braiding etc.

Recently when I’m just laying down, my boyfriend of 2 yrs just pets my head. IT FEELS SO GOOD. Like I just feel so relaxed and actually enjoy it??? I think I trust him completely and i feel like a cuddly cat myself. lol. Just to be able to curl into someone for affection when things are hard and even when you just want affection. I have a habit of hugging him all the time now. Only him though.

She didn’t even really hug us. I remember growing up I didn’t like hugs / they felt awkward.

YOOO I REALLY THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE.

Don't get me wrong, I love hugs. I hug everyone. Shit I hug people I've never met before (if they're willing). But I never realized how weird it was that I can count on my fingers how often I've hugged my mom. It was always so awkward.

Side note, idk if I love it or hate it that I can un-ironically say 'I wasn't hugged enough as a child'.

Yeah. I wasn't allowed to feel any emotion around her. Sad? "You have NOTHING to feel sad about! You have EVERYTHING here that I never had as a kid!" Angry? "I'll give you something to feel angry about!" Tired? "The fuck do you feel tired about? The only one that should feel tired is ME since I do EVERYTHING for you!"

Yeah, reading some of these posts has brought me back to my childhood and has made me realize how much of a narc my mother was.

The sentence about being tired hits home. She was (still is) the only one who in her eyes was allowed to get tired because she works. Never mind that we all worked, she thought of everyone else’s job as a joke

Any time i was emotional and or tried to tell my parents how i felt i would be “putting on an act” or lying or over exaggerating. BUT when they got emotional i needed to listen to whatever they wanted to rant about which i now see as emotionally abusive.

Oh God, this. This so much. I wasn't allowed to express negative emotions growing up, especially once I passed puberty. To my Nmom, no pain existed except hers--which to be fair was real. She has, like, every medical condition under the sun and none of these conditions were her fault. However, I think when some people suffer too much they become self-absorbed to cope, and that's what happened with her. She basically just called me melodramatic when I first got my heart broken in college. Thank God for my friends; otherwise I would have felt so alone. However, whenever she felt lonely or wanted to talk and cry about how her dad died when she was 10, I had to be her therapy session.

Then a few years later both my husband and I were laid off and lost our home (moved in with inlaws) and I was severely depressed--think hours of uncontrollable crying every single day, severe insomnia, hair started turning white in my twenties. When I tried to talk about what I was going through she told me I was being dramatic or I didn't have enough faith, then launched into stories about how her health problems were acting up. They take and take, but they never want to give.

Oh yeah. The double standard is ridiculous! My NFamily is allowed to be as angry, and mean, and as problematic as they want, but if I ever get into a bad mood, I'm a "huge, out of control problem who has nothing to be stressed about." Honestly...

My nmom told me if I had to cry, to do it quietly and preferably out of her sight, like in my closet. Anger was treated the same way. My emotion regulation skills were absolutely nil by the age of 9, and I'm nearly 40 now, still working on accepting and validating my own human emotions.

Then you have suppressed emotions growing up and you don't know why but now you're an alcoholic and taking meth or gambling or anything else that boosts the dopamine for a price.

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Unfortunately if you have an iq or brain left after hurting yourself so much through that medium you will begin to realise that you were never taught but that you parent expressed it through a beer or using others to deal with their emotion.

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Then it is clearer to you and you realise you are 34 living in their home still and you've tried committing suicide a few times because of them and that you learnt this subconsciously through your nmum that when shit is too hard just die and blame others as a kid. Then you realise they are that simple when you sell the brand new car they bought you and gamble it and then steal money off their credit card for a final binge before commiting suicide when you take 4 grams of coke and overdose instead then wake up going wtf am I doing? Then you get home a few weeks later and they are more concerned about what someone else in the Serbian community will now think of me.

Some how you've believed you are the problem but your only problem was listening because you wanted to be equally heard as well. Those are years I will never get back. All I wanted was the damn fucken basics and I wasn't leaving till I got them or made sense of it and let myself accept it .

Sometimes when we had the flu she would have a go at us. When she got it, she acted like she was dying and was in bed yet for us it was a no no. Then she would yap on the phone to people how she was dying off the flu.

I still love my Mum as I learned to look past her which is something I didn't understand for so long.

If I expressed any emotions that she didn't share, or that were in negative response to something she did, there'd be mocking, yelling or physical violence. I never existed to her as a separate person, only as an extension of herself, so an extension of herself should only ever have feelings that make her feel good and validated.

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It's a shit way to grow up, and I still struggle at times to own my emotions and express them clearly.

I feel you. I tried commiting suicide a few times but now I question if I learnt that off her when I saw her try as a kid? But I subconsciously forgot. I think that makes total sense as she taught me then when things are too hard that is what you go and do. So I did because my coping tools were shit as my Dad conditioned me to just listen to her as he was like me too. A very emotional quiet intelligent guy. Just has a bad way of expressing it.

I can relate. Whenever I was upset as a child, if I couldn't turn off my emotions within a moments notice, my Nmom would take out a kitchen knife and hold it up to her wrist saying she was going to kill herself if I keep crying. I can remember once when I was maybe 6 or 7 years old and my mom left me at home alone with my younger brother-- my brother couldn't stop crying for whatever reason and my reaction was to go to the kitchen, take out a knife and threaten to shred his stuffed animal. I didn't even realize how messed up that was until really recently. Well, I knew it was messed up long before really recently, but I didn't make the connection.

Yes. So you know the movie, “Memoirs of a Geisha”? There’s a scene where a Japanese family hosts an American(?...basically white) soldier that killed the husband in a battle and the family is kind to him even though he’s like the enemy. My mom has been praising that scene as the epitome of human emotional “growth” in that that Japanese family have a lot of pain but they suppress it in order to take care of their guest, who basically caused all their pain. You know, something to strive for I guess? Apart from the convenience of not having to deal with everyone else’s hurt feelings when you trample on them, I think she really believes that if you pretend to not show any emotions, they will go away and also make you a better person.

I can attest to emotional abuse and suppression. She either hated men, or felt that men should be useful for only certain things. That meant being providers, joining the military, being straight, ritualized haircuts, marrying within their race, and never showing emotions. She called me a wuss for itching my god damned toe once. Any hint of humanity, or vulnerability was a threat to the vision she had for what others were allowed to be.

I still lie to my mother, because if I do't she'll pick apart any interest or passion like a hyena chewing on a dying gazelle. It's the only alternative I have to NC, because if I try Nc, she'll start screaming and get violent.

Her children were tools to prop up her sense of empty pride, they were not allowed to be complete human beings. That's one thing about narcissists, esp. those with a favorite child and a hated child; If the narcissistic parent doesn't see you as their child, they see you as their competition.

Yep my bro was the wunderkind and I was the hated child.
She does the same shit around tearing everything apart you’re interested in. Although I’m nc now, I ended up in a good spot bc she hadn’t worked for 46 years bc her and my ndad lied, cheated and stole of everyone (me included) to survive, so she would try and give me business advice. Luckily I have multiple biz and became successful which in their eyes was just not possible so I shut them down at every turn when treating me like a child, which after years of abuse was actually extremely satisfying!

Wow yes. Any time I cried as a kid (and this still continues) I’m screamed at with “why are you crying,” or “stop being so hysterical,” “you have nothing to cry about” and “why are you upset I’m helping you.”

I’m still not allowed to show any emotion other than complete joy. If I pick up the phone and say hi in a tone that isn’t 100% happy, I’ll immediately be asked “what’s wrong/what’s with your voice/why can’t you be happy/why do you always have an attitude/why are you so mean.”

I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety throughout my teen and now into my adult years and the low points are always difficult because I don’t have the energy to pretend (or not as well as I normally do, I suppose” and it’s just more draining to deal with.

All my life, I’ve known that I can’t cry in my house. I cry in my bathroom with the door locked and run the tap, and pretend I just washed my makeup off or took a shower if my face is still red afterwards.

It takes a toll on a person. You don’t really feel at home when you can’t express a full range of emotion. You don’t feel at peace when you’re always tense and anxious about how someone will read your tone and body language and be punished if it’s not “correct.”

I stay at my boyfriends place sometimes and I feel more at home and at peace in his apartment than I do in my own bedroom.

It’s a process to undo these things. I still feel overwhelming guilt when I’m upset (on the spectrum of angry to sad), that I don’t deserve to feel that way, that I never deserve more and should be grateful for whatever I have. I’ve been working on not repeating these behaviours out of anxiety, since I now have the tendency to always (and I mean a l w a y s) anticipate something being wrong and over analyze messages/tone/body language from other people in an overly personal way. Not that I get angry the way she does, but that other people are always upset with me.

I’m sorry you went through this. It’s just not okay.

Editing to add because it just hit me and now I feel a bit nauseous remembering this—whenever I am upset my dad likes to tell me that he hates my face. How he’s “asked me to not make that face.” How I should smile and be happy and not “put him through this.”

And this isn’t a scowl or frown or some cartoonish idea of an expression. This is my resting face. Not smiling and not frowning, and not pretending. Just, neutral.

Oh, my emotions didn't count and I was told more than once that I can just get therapy later on because it doesn't matter what happens to me right now.
Also any time that I cried as a kid/teenager it was me attacking her/guilting her/doing something wrong by her, and got me screamed at. Quality parenting right there.

Yes. Anytime I would cry or be sad my mom would flip the entire thing around and make it about her. For example if I told her I was feeling depressed, then she'd freak out and start crying about how it had to be cause she "failed as a parent" or that it was cause I hated her and was ungrateful and then I'd have to comfort HER. As a result I do not share any of my insecurities or negative emotions with her. I'm not sure if this is a sign of nmom since I am rather new to this sub.

My nMom does the same thing! She always turns it around to be about her and I used to try and comfort her telling her she was a great parent, but I don't do it anymore and because I stopped doing it, she flips the script to be about her even more. I'll tell her that not everything is about her and she'll even admit that others tell her that not everything is about her, but she just doesn't get it.

I recently tried to tell my mom I was depressed and her response was, "I hope we all get into a car accident and die..." Then she went into her rant about how she worked so hard to make a good family for us and goes on and on about her being a failed parent in hopes of me coming to her defence.

When my Nmom was losing an argument, she would just start crying and talk about something that was sure to gain her pity. One time I tried to talk to her about how I was depressed. She replied by crying and saying “I see that picture on your wall (of me in cheerleading in elementary school) and remember how I supervised your practices even when my mom was dying.” This was all a way to get me to forget about my problems and throw my pity at her.

Yup. Probably one of the most unhealthy things my mother did was make me feel guilty about my own emotions. I wasn't allowed to be sad/angry/frustrated/upset over anything because I was "just a kid and had no idea how bad other people have it", etc., etc. I especially have issues with anger, because I used to get in trouble for being angry (even when it was totally warranted) so ever since I was a kid, feelings of anger are always accompanied by anxiety and panic because I feel ashamed for being angry, which makes me angry at myself, which in turn makes me more ashamed, and I'm sure you can see how destructive that is. My brother and sister both grew up with anger issues. When you live your entire childhood having all of your emotions invalidated, it's a recipe for disaster.

Meanwhile, mom can rant and rave and flip out over whatever she wants because she's an adult. I want to know where it's written that kids aren't allowed to have emotions.

Oh absolutely. If I ever cried or got upset, I was doing it to manipulate her. When I first moved out, I had a moment of clarity one day when I needed to cry about something. I had moved in with my grandma, and she was gone and wasn't going to be home for several hours at least. I could not cry until I closed and locked my bedroom door. That's when I knew something was wrong with me.

I wasn't allowed to get angry. She could start screaming with the change of the wind but if I showed even a speck of displeasure to her it would just magnify and prolong her fury. I have a very clear memory of her coming into my bedroom when I was about eight and apologizing for yelling (again), and I said "it's ok" (again), and she said "no, it's not ok" (for the first and only time). I wanted to scream "OF COURSE IT'S NOT OK, BUT I'M NOT ALLOWED TO SAY THAT!"

About ten years ago I realized I was treating my husband the way she'd treated me. I had been so angry with him for paying a bill that I'd punched the fridge and almost thrown a plate at him. I was horrified. I didn't even need him to tell me that if it happened again he'd leave - I clamped down on my anger so hard it took all my other emotions with it, and it's taken a decade of work to get them back. At one point my therapist had me pick a book to read and try to identify what the characters were feeling and why, because I'd forgotten and couldn't recognize/identify my own feelings anymore. Anger took the longest because I was so afraid of letting myself feel it. I can feel it now and express it with calm words, but I'm still earning my husband's trust back and he still gets edgy... because it's not ok.

I'm not NC with my mom but I'm damned close. She's invited me to dinner Christmas eve, but made it clear it was only because my sister the GC meth addict will be out of town. I'm thinking I'll stay home and blame it on the snow over the mountains.

Oh my god yes. I always thought that it was just my mom trying to make me a stronger person. I never realized how abusive she was until after I moved out and my grandma got sick, she pretty much raised me. When my grandma died, my mom WASNT GOING TO TELL ME! Her boyfriend called me hours after the fact because he realized that my mom was hiding it from me! When I got there I had been crying and as soon as she saw me, yelled at me for crying saying that I wasn’t allowed to cry at all while I was over there and that it was stupid of me to come to my grandpas house with all that emotion. After that I felt so numb that I never ended up ever really crying over her death, I felt extremely robbed of my grief. So yes dear OP I truly understand your feeling

I don't know why it should be that feeling feeling sorry for oneself isn't a good enough reason to cry. It was a sort of "Get over yourself" thing with her. Yet she could cry at the slightest thing, and it was "But I'm sensitive."

My therapist once asked me if I ever enjoyed a good cry, and I told him about this. We spent the rest of the session unpacking the damage mom had done. We talked about how tears are a release of harmful energy and chemicals in the body. About how it is as necessary as exhaling or bowel movements. And about how you can choose a safe environment to have a cry in and just really let it out. Pound a pillow, have a scream, jump up and down, whatever!

I'm happy to say I now enjoy a good cry any time I need to. It is such a release.

We just moved cross country when I was 35 weeks pregnant. My Mom has tried calling me several times to tell me how worried she is about our move, my pregnancy, etc. and that she just can't be comforted. Meanwhile, I'm the one pregnant and moving cross country and I have to hear about HER concerns? I have told her such limited info.

She told us our house wouldn't sell (we accepted an offer within 48 hours and it will be sold in less than a month after listing it) and volunteered only to help the day we were leaving the keys with the real estate agent. She was beyond herself that my mother in law was helping me and decided that "we left the house for other people to finish." I don't know who these mystery people are that would help us "finish" our house, but it is the narrative she created since she couldn't rush in and save the day.

She has also told me the gender of our kid is wrong (we did chromosome testing...), my kid will be in the NICU (oh my word), and that our kid will be most conveniently born over Thanksgiving holiday (three weeks early) because it was most convenient for her schedule. She also told me that she tells all of our family that we didn't pick a name, which we have had for months, and called her a different name.

When I was growing up, I was always too sensitive or told I was messed up. It is a form of gaslighting that you are describing.

Emotions in my household were always treated as something exclusive to NMom.

Whenever she was sad, or angry, or having an 'off-day', we were all expected to just deal with it. Cater to her, coddle her, or avoid her (depending on how she was feeling). If we didn't do that, she turned on the waterworks and pulled her token "Y'all don't care about me" line. When she was having a good or happy day, we walked on eggshells because the slightest misstep could send her spiraling into her bullshit again. All her feelings were always out in the open, and she expected everyone to just deal with it because... well, because she was a narc and demanded that from us.

But GODS FORBID any of us ever showed any emotion. Good or bad, they were always used against us. First it was with me and E-stepdad and later with my little sister. She baited us like only she could, and then weaponized our responses. If someone dared to be happy or excited about something, she crushed it until we were miserable enough to manipulate. If we were sad or angry, she either used it to play the victim or played off of it until we were once again at her mercy. An entire childhood of that taught me to hide any and all emotions from anyone and everyone.

Now that I'm older I've learned to bypass those defense mechanisms (combination of therapy and a wonderfully supportive partner), but I still have trouble being honest about how I'm feeling. It's scary, and it used to cause a lot of problems in my relationships with other people.

My mom is like that too. I got the "I'll give you something to cry about" as well. She straight up laughed at me when I tried to stand up to her, claiming I didnt pay bills, and so my emotions didnt matter. Shed straight up yell at me for crying when she was already yelling at me for something else. I remember displays of anger were strongly discouraged (ie, "stop making it everyone else's problem), meanwhile I dont know how many times my parents lost their shit and did exactly that, make it my problem.

100% yes. If my mum cries, the whole world has to drop what they were doing to make her feel better. If I show emotion - including happiness sometimes - around her, I'd either be told to stop being so emotional or I'd be told off for being happy because I'm "ignoring her". (This is a common one because sometimes I talk about something from the internet. She doesn't understand the internet, so doesn't always understand what I say, and therefore I'm being selfish, ignoring her and not letting her speak. Perfect logic as always).

Yup, this is a big thing for me too and it frickin sucks. I’ve been told time and time again that I’m “hard to read”. When I did theater and choir in school, I was always told I need to show way more facial expression. Everytime I’ve gone to a salon and gotten my hair done, the hair dressers are always wondering why I don’t look excited about my new hair looking great. Now, I’m learning American Sign Language and struggling with using enough facial expression (which is extremely important in ASL), so literally people sometimes don’t even understand what I’m trying to communicate because I’m so good at hiding my emotions.

Luckily, it does get better though. IMHO the less contact with nparents and the more contact with people who accept you and truly care about you, the more you can open up and not have a emotion hiding habit. Also, therapy can help too :)

Denying yourself your own existence and then dying is the worst punishment and what is worse is you don't even know after being so used to it for so many years.

Now I look at my suicide attempts and it fucken scares me that it was because my nmum wouldn't accept me no matter how many different ways I tried to change myself. Shame on me for letting it go so far as all I wanted was a mutual loving relationship.

My nmother’s a covert N (or perhaps just FLEA ridden from her own nParents) so of my two parents, she set herself up as the “good” one and of course we could always go to her dice she needed to be a Good Mother for her identity’s sake. However, she was also the delicate one so I couldn’t actually go to her with any problems or fears because she’d get overwhelmed and something small would become a huge drama.

NFather’s job has us moving a lot and I vividly remember how nmother’s would confide in me every tie there was a chance of moving again and all her worries and fears. Of course, I was sworn to secrecy so while she could dump on me, I had to silently hold her fears and uncertainties along with my own. I wasn’t very old (maybe 9yo) but I remember thinking how utterly unfair it was that she had someone to confide in while I had to deal with my problems on my own. Plus, having vented, she usually forgot about it and I only sometimes heard what the end result was so many times I’d spend two weeks in a knot wondering if that was my last week with my friends when the whole thing was started with a casual “hey, there’s an opportunity in Austin for you,” and nFather had decided a few hours later it wasn’t worth pursuing.

That’s rough, I’m sorry she treated you like that :(
My Nmom was actually the opposite. She got a kick out of seeing others’ emotional turmoil, and would intentionally do things to make me upset/angry/ cry. It was like living in a poorly written reality TV show.

My nDad had a supervisor once that was over a job that was compromised of mostly women. The male supervisor had to deal with women that would cry when he had to deal with issues with them (not doing their job right, dealing with transfers they didn’t want, the negative stuff of a job, etc.) nDad said that the supervisor’s go-to line when dealing with these women was “ok, when you’re done crying, we’ll talk about this like adults.” Ok, halfway understandable. You’re in a professional environment, dealing with work, dealing with employees, you can’t be swayed by every tear a woman produces in that line of work. Women can manipulate people with their emotions like that.

Oh boy, let me tell you how creepy and horrifying it was to hear that exact line his supervisor used on women come out of nDad’s mouth, to me, intentionally, during a lecture/argument, when I would cry. I was absolutely appalled that the line a supervisor used on his female employees was being used by my dad on his own damn daughter. In that moment I wanted to scream at him, “I’m your daughter, not your employee!” But I knew even saying it would have been useless. That was the moment I knew that my nDad didn’t care about my emotions at all.

Yeah she would always point out that I’m crying or about to cry and make fun of it. Of course no one made fun of her when she cried. It’s insane that these people can make others be ashamed of their emotions

Yes nMom was allowed to express the range of emmotions on the spectrum - and she focused on the negative ones (I believe, for attention-getting purposes). The GC had a limitted right to some of that. As SG I had no right really to express any emmotion, she even found my smile and laughter annoying - unless of course she needed a particular response from me for some self-validating reason, in which case I better get it right. eDad was in the same boat as me.

‘Shut up!’ Anytime I tried to make a valid point or have any autonomy. ‘People are going to think you are weird.’ When a pet of mine died and I cried my eyes out. Oh but when I moved out, ‘ You don’t care about anyone’s feelings but your own! Whaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!’

My mom belittled me, mocked me, and refused to validate my feelings/opinions. Often, she insulted my clothes by telling me I looked like a whore, she compared me to a dog once because I developed a fear for looking her in the eyes, she called me stupid, etc.

Out in public, I would get scolded for smiling, laughing, talking, looking sad, or whatever she found inappropriate in that given moment.

I was never allowed to be my own person, and if what I did/didn’t do didn’t fit the image she had created and tried to uphold, I’d get punished and belittled again.

During a fight (I can’t even remember what we fought about), she threw me against the wall and held me there by digging her nails into my throat and upper arm.

When I was little I used to have what I have now learnt was self soothing. I would run to my bed, cuddle my teddy and blanket and cry (I was about 7). I wasn't doing it for attention I know because why would I go to my room to do it if it wasn't genuine?

Well on one occasion I was pulled by my ankle off the couch I was sitting on, I hit my head on the floor and yelped in pain and when my punishment was over and I was dismissed with a "get out of my sight" he followed me up the stairs, kicking my legs on the way up, watched me roll into my blanket with my teddy and ripped them off of me.. then got inches from my face, grabbed it close to his and growled that I ought to stop crying right now. It was pretty traumatic.

I was allowed to cry, but nfather was the only one in the house who was allowed to be angry. And he pretty much always was. It was understood that no one else had that "privilege." I still have a hard time expressing anger in a healthy way because of it.

My mom very rarely cried herself, but she never liked seeing me cry. She’d let me cry for a minute or two, and then she would ask me to stop, and if I didn’t immediately she’d get more and more annoyed. I can’t remember a single time when she would just let me cry it out. When I cry, it usually takes me a while to calm down, and I really need to cry until I stop naturally. She could never deal with my negative feelings, and sometimes she couldn’t deal with my positive feelings either. If I was very happy, she’d tell me I had to stop acting so «hysterical».

After my friend tragically died in a car accident only a month after their 18th birthday, my egg donor kept being an inconsiderate *insert swear word of your choice*. She dared to call him an idiot and that "his mother is surely on crazy pills now".

I also wasn't allowed to wear black because "I can't mourn him, he's just a friend, not a family member" while she knows VERY WELL that my wardrobe was 70% black stuff. She insulted me for crying for three days, whilst flipflopping from "aww, my poor baby, come give me a hug" (while she knew I HATED hugs from family) to "shut up, there's nothing to cry about".

My nMum ordered my older sister not to cry when our father died, on the grounds that it was her losing her husband, not my sister.

nMum was allowed to have screaming toddler style temper tantrums and epic weeks-long sulks where she refused to speak to anyone, but if we cried we were told to stop making a fuss or we'd get something to cry about.

That I wasn't allowed to be sad or cry, or be angry or yell, or any negative emotion. But sure as shit was she allowed to yell and cry and shout and break things and slam doors and give me the silent treatment.

Still not allowed to show negative emotions even as a young adult, especially anger, but my parents can totally yell at me and tell me they're dissapointed in my attitude if I "talk back" and I can't say or show anything, other wise its losing respect to my elders. Mexican household here.

ohhh yes. she can always say or do whatever she wants ("look what you make me do") but i was never allowed to even cry too loudly or try to protect myself from her constant slapping because she thought it was me trying to challenge her to a physical fight. most of my childhood was like that. i am sending you hugs.

I remember sitting on the couch comforting my crying mom cos she couldn't get the printer to work and she needed to print a college assignment. Stressful, I get it, we've all been there, here's a hug and let's try and figure this out.
I also remember mom dismissively chucking a box of tissues into my lap after she had been screaming at me non-stop for about half an hour and saying "Oh don't give me that tears on your face, honestly!"
Narcissistic hypocrisy is mind-boggling. I'm sorry she won't let you cry. It's important to cry.

I was forced to be happy all the time and would get scolded for being unhappy. However, she would cry whenever people hurt her and was allowed to make a big deal of people being "rude" to her or establishing boundaries.

I was pretty much only allowed to show anger. If I cried I was ridiculed and berated, if I was happy she would find a way to ruin it. As such, pretty much anything that would make me cry turns into anger. Yeah, great for working with other people, etc. Knowing what I know now I can look back and feel the real emotions I had during all those horrid encounters with my nmom and I'm able to see just how truly sick she was. She was f'd up.

Yes. And it was so ingrained that when my father died a few years ago, as soon as my mom started crying, my tears dried up, my emotions shut down, and I automatically started comforting her over her EX husband's death... Never mind that they hadn't been married for nearly 20 years and my FATHER had just died. I didn't get to say goodbye to my dad at the hospital because I was too busy trying to calm my mom's hysterics... She was actually wailing. I still feel angry about it and wish I had gotten to talk to him one more time because what if he could still hear us and I said nothing? She couldn't be the strong adult and remain in control of her emotions just once.

Holy moly YES. I am in my late 40s and still not allowed to have feelings - but man, she can cry and whine all she wants, anytime she wants, and then its like law and religion and we better obey it. I call BS on her now and she clearly hates it (which is her problem!)>

You will realise that having been denied emotion you have been steering your life in the wrong direction. All you have been doing is following thoughts and then probably wondering why you are not happy when you get to x spot or achieve something.

Yep. If I was “caught” not smiling ever I would be yelled at or lectured for how good I have it and there’s no reason to be depressed or act like a b*tch. All I had to do was not look happy, I didn’t even need to open my mouth.

On the other hand, my parents could yell or cry or throw tantrums, slamming and throwing stuff. Gotta love it.

Yes, with my dad. His emotions (to this day) are the only valid emotions that anyone can express. If I express a conflicting idea to his or an emotion I am called emotional, I am told I create problems within the family and then my mental health is questioned.

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