December 23, 2010

And if you’re not in a relationship - or not in the relationship that you’d like to be in, you may be feeling going through one of those Beggar-At-The-Feast moments.

Not fun, eh?

So, here’s something you might like to think about instead:

Christmas, and the summer holiday period, are the two biggest times for relationship breakdown.

Come January 3rd, ‘Family Law’ lawyers can look forward to a load of new work.

Why?

Because Christmas, and holidays, are times when fantasy and reality collide. Everything has to be perfect, especially if the run up has been anything but perfect.

It all relates to the little known disease of “fairytale-itis”.

It’s a nasty disease, to be sure.

And one not best treated with either drugs, or a sharp dose of reality.

Fairytale-itis is something most little girls contract in childhood. It lies dormant until they kiss their first frog, or Beast, or handsome prince.

Then it triggers all kinds of madness including:

Not seeing the person in front of your eyes

Putting him at the very centre of your world – and yourself on the periphery

Disregarding your own needs and wants

Doing more back-flips than Andre the seal for a few lousy scraps of affection

Need I go on?

So, you don’t have the relationship you think you want this Christmas.

I hate to tell you this, but …

That’s probably cause for rejoicing.

Why?

Because, Ms Partner-Pleaser, the relationship you think you want is NOT really good enough. It’s just not good enough for you. It’s based on what you think you can have; that is, what you would be willing to settle for.

It’s not based on the…

joyful 100% unconditional love and acceptance of you that you DESERVE, just because…

Now, all you need to do is ATTRACT that person who will cherish and adore your perfect imperfection.

But here’s the deal:

Before another person can cherish and adore your perfect imperfection, you have to start doing that for yourself.

And that’s why Fairytale-itis is so pernicious. Fairytale-itis tells you that you only have to be as pretty and sweet as you possibly can be, and then sit quietly on your hands… and wait for someone to sweep you off to that “Whole New World”…

That one never works.

(The Whole New World where you can gape at them adoringly, have their babies, clean their palace, and walk in their shadow.)

Besides,

Princes have big heads, low concentration spans and, to top it all off, they are very, very self-indulgent.

Is that what you want?

I thought not.

Quality men, on the other hand, will be magnetized by your quietly confident – or noisily confident, if you prefer – perfect imperfection.

December 22, 2010

“It’s like I’m standing on the diving board”, she said. “I’ve been standing there for so long now, and I still can’t find the courage to dive. Much as I want to.”

Everything Susie said was self-critical. She should have jumped by now. She should have left her abusive husband.

She wasn’t prepared to cut herself any slack at all.

Intellectually, she knew everything I - or anyone else - could tell her.

But, still, there she was, paralyzed, by the knowledge that she had to dive. (Because it’s not what you know with your head that matters; what matters is getting your heart to the point of letting go of this relationship that does NOT work.)

Susie’s knowledge hadn’t percolated through to heart level, yet.

She remained poised on that diving board, agonizing over her next move: should it be a forward dive, or a backward dive, an inward dive, or an armstand dive…”

She asked me: “How did you find the courage to leave?”

I found myself laughing as a vision popped, unbidden, into my mind.

You see, the truth is, I didn’t find the courage to leave. Not really.

I stood on that diving board, and stood on that diving board, every muscle tensed for action and…

Eventually, the time came when I fell off.

Period.

Think about it for a moment. You stand on that diving board. Either you face the water or you face the steps back down to the ground). You concentrate so hard on what you have to do, and the difficulties of what you have to do, that every muscle is quivering.

You stand there, and stand there, thinking about how you have to get the dive absolutely right. So you focus on getting yourself into the perfect position.

And because nobody’s there to fire a starting pistol for you, you can carry on standing there, focusing as hard as you can on the dive you’re going to perform, desperately straining every muscle…

After a while, your muscles go into spasm.

That’s more or less what happened to me.

One fateful day, while I was still up there focusing on how and when I was going to dive (and, BTW, I hate heights, they make my head spin) I ended up with severe cramps and, …

I just plain fell off that diving board.

It didn’t happen as the result of a conscious decision.

I have to admit that it wasn’t graceful or elegant.

But, here’s the thing, it didn’t have to be.

It wasn’t the Olympic games. There were no medals to be had for the quality of my descent. There was absolutely nobody to watch or judge me; except me.

Once I started falling, I was too busy organizing my body to worry about other people’s judgements.

And, you know what?

The landing wasn’t too bad, at all.

By the time I entered the water, all the mental preparation I’d done, made it rather easier than I’d feared it might be.

Sure I made a bit of a splash, but that was no big deal. It’s not a spectator sport.

The water was more welcoming than I’d thought.

Coming back up to the surface was easier than I’d imagined.

Staying afloat was less trouble than I’d anticipated.

And I realized, the important thing had never been making the perfect dive off that diving board.

The only important thing had been whether there was water in the pool, or not, to cushion my landing. And, of course, there was.

Whether you jump off that diving board, fall off it, or hang on up there with your muscles in spasm for that little bit longer, the fact is, you’re safe.

You will be okay.

I hope you’ll take your leave of that diving board in 2011. You’ve no need to stay up there any longer.

You’ve done your time.

Your life is waiting for you down in the pool.

When you are ready to take your leave of that diving board, I’d love to help and support you. It will make the process easier for you, and the landing softer.