Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother,and said, 'Here - try these on.' She did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'

'Ever since that night we never had any problems.' 'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here - try these on.' She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.' Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.' Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here-you try on mine.' He did and said, 'I can't get into your pants.' Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will.'

Sydney was giving a lecture on :involuntary muscle contraction: to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject, so the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked "do you know what your a---hole is doing whilst you are having an orgasm ?" She replied, "probably golfing with his mates"