The Entire Lohan Family Should Probably Get a Restraining Order On Each Other

Michael Lohan stormed into Lindsay’s apartment yesterday to stage an intervention, then she tweet-ranted, “I NEED A RESTRAININGORDER! MYSISTERANDFRIENDTOO!!!!! HE’S NUTS!!!” and Dina fumed, “He has absolutely no rights to do this! He’s a three-time felon.” Michael then went directly to TMZ to explain himself. Also on the topic of dysfunctional families, Jon Gosselin is broke and selling his Beemer for cash. Michael Douglas’s crystal-meth–selling son, Cameron, is in limbo regarding which prison he’ll be residing in for the next 60 months. Hulk Hogan is suing Wells Fargo over his son’s insurance coverage in a car crash. And Heather Locklear could have been sent to jail for driving over a street sign then bolting from the scene, but now it’s looking “unlikely” that she’ll facecharges.

When an ABC News interviewer asked Naomi Campbell about the “blood diamond” she allegedly received from deposed African leader Charles Taylor, she stormed out and and punched the camera in the producer’s hands. Iron ChefMasaharu Morimoto “spent weeks studying kosher principles” to properly butcher a 70-pound tuna for the Lubavitch Youth Organization’s dinner at Cipriani Downtown, where Mayor Bloomberg was in attendance. Prince and Taylor Swift are slated to perform for Bill Clinton, Sarah Palin, Ben Stiller, and Kathryn Bigelow at the Time 100 gala. Gwyneth Paltrow grants her wisdom to those who need it most: people with allergies. Amanda Peet birthed a baby girl. And Arabic news network Al-Jazeera is organizing a panel discussion with Michael Moore and OliverStone.

The “mystery blonde” spotted strolling around London with Chace Crawford is a British actress named “Tessa.” Just in time to promote the new season of The Hills, Stephanie Pratt posed nude for PETA’s new iPhone app (while holding a strategically placed bunny). A shirtless and pink-mohawked Jared Leto performed with 30 Seconds to Mars at Roseland Ballroom. Ashton Kutcher drew a crowd of over 400 (paying $350 each) to hear him talk about technology and media at the Edison Ballroom, with one attendee noting, “He’s a better tech guru than actor.” After being closed down by the NYPD just last week, M2 reopened for lesbian-lifestyle magazine GO’s nightlife awards, where Avatar’s Michelle Rodriguez D.J.’ed. Vivica Fox is launching a line of wigs. Katy Perry sported light-up Lucite heels and Miranda Kerr wore white before MemorialDay.