What’s On Tonight: President Obama Set To Interrupt Terry’s Nap

State of the Union Address (ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox, Etc., 9 p.m.) — President Obama will say some things, one half of Congress will stand, the other will sit, some talking heads will prattle off some talking points, and someone behind Obama will make a goofy face during the speech that will be GIF’d and go viral by night’s end. DEMOCRACY. Democracy, however, means no New Girl or Brooklyn Nine-Nine tonight. THANKS OBAMA.

Supernatural (CW, 9 p.m.) — What? Sam and Dean Winchester are going directly up against Obama? This is what’s wrong with the CW generation. They don’t understand how Democracy works because they’re too busy watching that Padalecki fella take off his shirt.

Justified (FX, 10 p.m.) — When they should be watching Boyd Crowder take off his shirt (TRAITOR TO AVA!). Obama won’t interrupt Raylan Givens, NO SIR, because Raylan Givens will be sidelined by NO ONE, except maybe Art, but even then, only after a long, exhausting conversation.

The Kroll Show (Comedy Central, 10:30 p.m.) — In tonight’s episode, Amy Poehler grinds up on her boyfriend, but you don’t have to watch the episode to see that. EW has a preview right here.

LATE NIGHT LISTINGS: Letterman has Eric Stonestreet; Leno has Wanda Sykes; Anna Farris stops by Kimmel, Fallon is joined by his replacement, Seth Meyers; Louis C.K. is on The Daily Show, and Conan has Anna Kendrick in the SECOND POSITION behind Greg Kinnear. Oh, Conan. GET YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT, MAN.

That’s a common complaint from conservatives, but you know, it’s actually largely true.

The Republicans were handed an economy that was thriving, that was putting up government surpluses for the first time in seven decades and was on track to pay off the entire deficit right about now, but Bush turned that into record deficits and debts, and let the entire economy nearly collapse.

And now, once again, a Democrat has come into office to clean things up. And we’re getting there. Pick your economic indicator — GDP, GNP, UE, NYSE, whatever you want — and look at where we were when Bush entered office, where we were when he left, and where we are now, and then tell me the Republicans didn’t fuck it all up.

And that’s just the economy. I’ll leave aside for the moment how Republicans botched the hunt for Bin Laden, stormed into an unnecessary and massively expensive war in Iraq built entirely on lies, used gay bashing as a re-election theme, nearly managed to put Social Security on the stock market right before it imploded, and, oh yeah, ignored warnings about the 9/11 attacks on New York *and* nearly lost the city of New Orleans as well.

Meanwhile, President Fascist O’Muslimblack has committed what unpardonable sin, exactly? Cleaned up all their shit, killed Bin Laden, and given people affordable private-market health care? Truly, he’s history’s greatest monster.

And, yes, as he’s cleaning up the latest Republican fuckup, he’s had to do it with the single most intransigent opposition party in the history of this country, a party that has blocked the most routine of executive appointments, a party that set all-time records for filibusters, a party that has bragged about turning routine acts of governing into “hostage taking” opportunities, a party that shut down the government so that poor people wouldn’t get health care, a party that has repeatedly said no to every single proposal — even policy proposals that originated on their side of the aisle, like health care and cap-and-trade — just because it wants, above all else, to say “fuck you” to President Hitler McBlackistan.

So Republicans – really, GWB, inherited a thriving economy and broke it all by themselves. Nope, had nothing to do with a ridiculous housing bubble demanded by damn near every one left, right, and center for the past 30 fucking years, and massive banks taking on ridiculously risky loans because shitheads like Barny Frank assured everyone the government would get their back. Oh yeah, and e-commerce was for reals yo, until GWB and them Rethuglikkans fucked it all up. No, no dipshits creating a massive tech bubble there.

But never mind, it’s all fixed now, now that we’ve figured out how to shove damn near everyone in the U4-U6 categories of unemployment. And GDP is going up (because the government is spending borrowed money hand over fist. It’s ok, Paul Krugman assures me printing money isn’t a bad thing because we’ll be a reserve currency forever and ever and live happily ever after. He has a Nobel and everything, who are we to call him a fucking hack?) And we’re getting set to legalize illegal immi – sorry, forgot that’s racist – undocumented workers, increasing the labor pool for low-skilled workers which will result in huge GDP gains, which in turn means higher wages for everyone! That’s how the labor market works, right? If you push millions of extra workers, willing to work for peanuts and live in shit conditions, into an already tight labor market, then the supply of labor goes up and therefore the demand, right? That’s how that works, isn’t it?

And we’ve got cheap healthcare. I mean, if you qualify for Medicare. And for the rest of you, sure, your premiums have gone up, but look at all the bennies you got! What’s that, these mandatory items have no practical application to you, so essentially you’re paying more for stuff you don’t use? Well, that’s how risk pools work, fuck actuary tables, you just get everyone together, pay for every illness, and it all works out in the end!

It’s a great thing we have a man like Obama, willing to close down human rights abuses like Guanta-oh, no, sorry. Well, he ended the debacle in Iraq (leaving a government singularly incapable of running the show in place), and didn’t have the State Department pick fights in Syria, stirring up a revolution in a foreign country that was no threat to us, leaving over 100,000 dead in a year. Nope, no sirree, didn’t do that. And did you hear he’s getting us out of Afghanistan? I mean, I know way back in the day he said that was a legitimate war, but a man can change his mind, sort of like how he told Hill-dog an insurance mandate was blatantly unconstitutional, then realized the errors of his ways after taking office. That’s not spineless waffling, it’s bold leadership. Like in the SOTU, when he said he’ll sign an executive order raising the minimum wage for federal workers. Article One, Section 9 of the US Constitution? Man, fuck that noise, we need someone in there who’s willing to do whatever is necessary, not worry about weak shit like whether he has the right to draw funds from Treasury. Or direct a court to make certain judgments on NSA wiretapping (hint, only Congress has the vested authority to do that.)

I just love how Obama now tries to take credit for the booming natural gas industry while he has done nothing but try to shut it down. No jurisdiction over private lands is the only reason he, his overly aggressive EPA, and heroes like Mark Ruffalo and Hayden Panettiere haven’t accomplished shut down drilling in places like Midland, TX where, coincidentally, the economy is booming and starting wages for fast food workers are $11.00-$15.00 an hour, which is a good bit higher than President Obama’s $10.10 federally mandated minimum wage.