Letting go: 2. Life

It’s been two years since my divorce, the best, the most significant and most life-changing decision I have ever made in my life. And more importantly I followed through with it until the end. There is no denying that little piece of joy that flickers in my heart. It happens every time I think of my ‘lucky’, if not timely escape, from the beast that had done nothing but devour me.

I know now, that if I had let things go on, today, I would have absolutely nothing. Probably not even my sanity.

He knew no end to draining me of all my resources and emotions. Every day I am so grateful and thankful for my resilience. My inner resolve and free spirit, gave me the will and the strength to save myself and set me free

When we think of erosion, we can imagine pictures of the sea stealing back land by gradually wearing down the cliffs. But what’s not so easy to comprehend, is the same erosion happens in an abusive relationship. One person always gets worn down, whilst the other continues to be relentless and strive.

Memories

Memories keep flooding back, causing shudders to run down my spine. Ones that are constantly flashing up reminders different events and situations, that have been locked away like time capsules in my head. Thousands of tiny fragments, made up of images, conversations, arguments and feelings of real discontent. They burst like fireworks in front of my eyes; bringing on pangs of silent agony.

Each time it happens, it is a painful reminder of how much and how deep I let him cut me. His sharp words, his attitude and his appalling behaviour hurt me.

But now, each little nugget makes me question why I took on the responsibility of his actions, rather than blaming him. Maybe, I thought it was easier to do this, just so that in my mind I could be free. But in actual fact, I have been punishing myself by taking on his army of demons.

I see him now for what he really is, not that I had had any clouded ideas beforehand. And I accept that he was a master of disguise and I was drawn in. Jekyll and Hyde was the nickname I had for him, as a joke. But in the end it was a very accurate description. I had enabled his capacity to feed, and I gave him a good food supply… But that’s all I’m guilty of. I didn’t make him the person he was, or make him do what he did, or think the way he thought. He did that all on his own. Driven by some incredible greed to swallow up anything that was good.

He did not want to fight for me.

He already knew he had lost me way back along the way, so there would be no point. But he simply could not control his urges to hurt me more, by any means he thought he could get away with. However, I played his game better than he did. So, so many of his antics backfired on him. I foolishly allowed the blame rest at my door. I did not speak out or voice to anyone, how he had literally driven me to that point of no return.

He was a very cruel and manipulative man, a true narcissist through and through.

It took a long time, before I finally labelled it for what it was… mental abuse.

Mental abuse

How stupid I have been. Stupid for taking the blame for his actions. It was mental abuse, and it had started from pretty early on. For ages I have been giving out the impression that I was ‘okay’ with this, but in actual fact I was totally churned up. I was incensed by the sheer fact, that someone would want to treat me so badly. Someone, who was forever expressing his ‘love’ for me! A man I asked nothing of, but took so readily…

Only now, do I really view that period of my life with real clarity. I thought I had done so before, but now my eyes are really seeing things, for what they were and are. Now I fully appreciate the damage, that his persistent chipping away had done to my confidence, my trust and my self-belief.

So much so, that I not only felt it, but I believed in my own unworthiness, instead of questioning his.

This has got to end. I am still allowing him to destroy me from within. I am letting all those negative memories and images from that life invade my daily being. It has soaked up so much of my time and energy, battling with negative thoughts and reliving bad experiences for more than just the second time.

I have continued to emotionally beat myself up on his behalf, and by opening that door, I have enabled others to think they can do the same thing.

The damage

There is no doubt of the damage he has done. He has left me deeply scarred with many insecurities, weaknesses and fears deeply etched in my mind. He has damaged my belief in men, being who they say they are, and saying exactly what they mean.

This last year I have forgotten how to celebrate and enjoy my newfound life and liberty. I have stayed being caught up in the past. Somehow, I let his demons in and they took over and took a firm hold. Of course, no good has come of doing this or being this way. But at least now I can openly admit, that I have just successfully managed to further maim and cripple myself. By holding to things and memories, that have no place in my present. I must forever remind myself when these thoughts appear, to acknowledge that that was my old life. I am a survivor and not a victim.

This mental and emotional intrusion, of my past into my present day has got to stop. It will always be where it is now and where it belongs… in the past.

Yes, I have been incredibly fucking stupid…! I have been struggling with this pain for far too long, and now I need to let it go.

It is time to forgive myself.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(31stDecember 2016)

Update:

I am pleased to say that part of my ‘life laundry’, included virtually eradicating any evidence of my ex-husband from my life. I was brutal, I had to be. Even things that I loved were gotten rid of, if they were tainted with any negative connection to him. It took a while to go through everything, but it was not only necessary, it was essential.

It’s hard to believe that it’s been over 4 years since my divorce, and almost 4 since I started my life over. I am also very conscious that it’s all part of my incredible journey. It was just a very long pitstop.

When I was a child, Christmas was a time when families got together to spend time, not just for a few hours or a night, but for a week or so.

It was time to really catch up with distant relatives and friends, and really let your hair down, because the car was parked, and you weren’t going anywhere.

Christmas cards, were filled with real sentiment, almost poetry, not just the few words today which don’t express anything heartfelt. Cards were important, they said I am thinking of you at this time, and were not just for people you hadn’t seen all year.

Everything, pretty much shut down, except the emergency services and essential workers. Christmas was a proper holiday for everyone else, shops closed early, pubs were only open for a few hours, so if you forgot anything, then tough you did without it! There was no 24 hour convenience stores or petrol stations open, which by the way, used to only sell fuel and a few car accessories. And then, the streets would be all but silent, because everyone would be indoors, enjoying themselves.

But now, people have multi-sites to visit within a set time, eating in one place, then eventually settling somewhere else. Trying to please too many other people, rather than actually just pleasing themselves for once.

Is it all about doing the right thing or being seen to be doing the right thing? And who is it right for?

All the hype that is built up, in September glittery signs and wrapping paper makes an entry mixed in with Halloween costumes, that’s now also part of Guy Fawkes night! These last two being an opportunity to turn your kids into beggars, and allow them to worship the dead! I can never get my head round that! I know all around the world Halloween means something different, but that doesn’t apply here.

Anyway, sorry I digress. I am absolutely horrified at the small fortune that some parents spend on an individual child, just for Christmas. Worse still, if it is the child specifying something expensive, as no longer are they satisfied with simple gifts that have fun, practical or educational value, everything is fast, hi-tech, and becomes obsolete so quickly.

People have finally wised up the all the chain stores, with inflated prices that get slashed a few days later. Now, the first sales begin weeks before Christmas, and by 9:00 am Boxing Day they are in full swing. Having been spurred on by the amazing “Black Friday” frenzy, madness ensues, where everyone just has to have that “must have” item, or they are buying the Christmas presents they didn’t get before. People are still filling up shopping trolleys at the supermarkets, as though they are planning for some horrific event; how much more can they eat? And how much of that is wasted? And once all that is done, we can sit back with a drink in hand and reflect on how absolutely exhausted we are.

All festivities have long gone, Christmas is ‘so’ yesterday! The ho ho ho has got up and gone, until next year.

For me, this period of time between Christmas and New Year, is ‘quiet time’, nothing much really happens, except maybe catching up on a few people. But otherwise for me, it’s a time to take it easy, get my house upstairs in order, seriously recharge the batteries, and everything is on a go slow, until New Years Day. I’ll drink to that! Sx

Sharon Carter-Wray

(30th December 2014)

Unfortunately since I first wrote this piece, I have come to the conclusion that Christmas is down to just a few hours now…

Everyone still comes together to sit at the table, but their minds are elsewhere, focussing on social media outside the home, rather being socially interactive within. Let’s face it, how many people remain sitting at the table, after the meal has been cleared away? Or take the opportunity to continue the conversation in a group facing each other? Instead almost as soon as the meal is over, everyone escapes back to their own little world. And all the preparations, the worry, and the stress slinks away into nothingness.

The crazy thing, is all the big companies tempt us with their glitzy adverts, enticing us to come see more, come buy more. But no one thinks about the real cost of making these adverts and how as a consumer they’re going to pay for it. I would rather they didn’t bother, but instead do price reductions across the board.

People force themselves to do things or accommodate people they would normally do their best to avoid, and all for the sake of … keeping who happy?

I am not anti-Christmas, but I am anti what it has come to represent. I feel for the people who feel they are compelled to go through the whole process, probably pushing their own financial boundaries, just in order to keep a child happy. Or to able to give a child something they were denied themselves as children, whatever their reasons, if everything is accessible and afforded them, it’s only teaching children to have no value for money, or for how it was earned. It saddens me that children still have all these expectations in a time when people are surviving on credit, or are literally living hand to mouth each month.

For me, I have a few unhappy memories at this time of year, so it’s never easy anyway. But for the moment, there is something missing, not just by physical loss, but the whole spirit of how it used to be. Maybe when I feel that spirit again my outlook will change, but at the moment it’s very hard to see past that. Sharon x