JUNE 29, 1998:
The Massachusetts Youth Soccer Association has announced that all its
teams will not keep score in their post-season soccer tournaments. The
tournaments will have no winners, but more importantly, no losers. The
association has also decreed that if one child gets a trophy, all the
children must get trophies. Furthermore, the organization is encouraging
parents to cheer for all the children equally. Dean Conway, head coach of
the association, calls this scheme a "non-results-oriented initiative."

I can imagine the meeting that sprouted this idea. First, some
bony-legged, sandal-wearing parent stands up and yells, "This winning has
gone on for too long! We must put a stop to it! Who's with me?" Then, more
bony folk stand up, roar in approval, and start pumping their fists in the
air. A cheer breaks out: "Never win! Never win!"

Massachusetts soccer parents, listen to me: We've got an
American-invented, non-competitive, feel-good field game already. It's
called Frisbee. There's no cheering, no time limit, and no special shoes.
You can play Frisbee in flip-flops. Just change your soccer league to a
Frisbee league. Problem solved.

To their credit, some of the Massachusetts soccer kids are bucking the
new system and keeping score in their heads. They'd better be quiet about
it, though, because the next logical step would be for the wacky parents to
run out onto the fields and destroy the goals. And if the kids start
kicking toward imaginary goals, there's nothing left to do but take away
their balls.

The soccer league can have an all-or-none trophy rule, but I guarantee
that as soon as the tournament's over, the minivans and SUVs will peel out
of the parking lots and head for the nearest trophy shop, where the size of
the trophies purchased will be limited only by the size of the parents'
pocketbooks and their vanity. Kids who never got their shoes tied right
will go home with trophies taller than Danny DeVito.

What I want to know is, how can this soccer controversy be happening in
America, in June? I just want to break down and cry when I see a group of
perfectly good children wasting their time playing soccer during baseball
season. I say it's a crime against nature to put kids into a sport that
won't let them use their hands and makes them hit the ball with their
heads.

Give any child a ball. Does he put it on the ground and kick it? Nope.
He picks it up with his hands. Throw a ball to any child. Does he
run up and bonk it with his head? Nope. He catches it in his hands.

I admit it: I don't get soccer. For crying out loud, our opposable
thumbs and large brains are the main things that set us apart from the
lower animals. Soccer mocks the human body's basic design and endangers the
all-important noggin. You might as well have a sport that only lets you use
your butt and the back of your neck.

I know why the non-competitive parents like soccer. At the little-kid
level, nobody gets singled out or embarrassed in soccer. No soccer child
walks up to the plate, all full of bright-eyed determination, then follows
with three ugly whiffs. No one has to walk back to the dugout, head lowered
and bat dragging. And no one has to listen to a keening cheer turn into a
collective moan when a ball rolls right between the shortstop's legs,
allowing three runs to score.

From the sidelines, soccer just looks like a group of little kids
running up and down a field. It's cute, and it's nap-inducing. That's good,
right?

Nope. Soccer is brutal. Consider this: When a kid bonks a soccer ball
with his head, the force can be as high as 208 joules. That's greater than
the force generated by any ball other than a golf ball, and it's enough
force to break the long bone of the leg. I didn't just make this up: It
comes from the subcommittee on headgear protection at the American Society
of Testing and Materials Conference in December 1994. Besides concussions,
this kind of head-banging can also cause trouble with jaws, teeth,
eyeballs, ears--basically all of a kid's head parts.

So, you parents who're looking for a kinder, gentler, more sensible
sport: Think baseball or softball. Besides letting the kids use their
God-given phalanges, the leagues require 'em to wear helmets, gloves, and
gonad protection. We even let 'em have snacks when they're in the dugout.

Visit Walter's Web site at http://www.nash-scene.com/~housesense. Or
e-mail him at walter.jowers@nashville.com.