Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Lucky You

Due to the sluggish financial market the Halifax staff have little to do. They are under strict instruction to only authorise two mortgages this year and can only lend to people who don’t need loans*. The financial advisers have all been made redundant and now the entire business is propped up by the canteen staff who have diversified by setting up a radio station in the basement of an NCP car park in Buttocks Booth just off Lumbertubs Lane. They broadcast daily, via telegraphic transfer, to five mountain goats on a farm in Southwold, Suffolk.
Scottish widow Sandy and Co-operative Carol provide the morning entertainment with a breakfast show. They are a tight team; they have a mutual interest in investing extra digits in their hedge funds and have bonded over unit banking. Alas, they are so enamoured by one another that they have failed to notice the potential threat of a hostile takeover bid from tea boy, Derek. He has coveted their breakfast slot from afar and, in an effort to remove the women from the helm, he has sabotaged Sandy’s liquid assets. He completes the arm’s length transaction by passing Sandy her mug. The mug handle breaks causing hot tea to spill across the mixing desk. Carol and Sandy are unfazed by life’s little dramas. They have each other and therefore the accelerated depreciation is negligible. They smile sweetly and, still laughing, still singing from the same spreadsheet, they tell Derek that life is better with a beaver.

p.s. As an aside, my WV is "unbig", which unfortunately reminds me of a detergent commercial currently running here where -- and I swear on everything I hold dear -- the announcer proclaims that things have never been "gooder". Gooder. shakes head

Mr Awkward: I think I must have misread the advert, because you are quite right - hot tea hurts. Perhaps the mug actually contains whiskey? This would then explain why the team at the Halifax believe they are competent enough to run a radio station.

Pearl: Gooder? It's not going to catch on, is it?! 'More gooder' has a better ring to it... if you're going to get it wrong then at least be lavish with the wrongness.

If you happen to richAnd you feel like a night's entertainmentYou can pay for a gay escapade.If you happen to be rich and aloneAnd you need a companionYou can ring (ting-a-ling) for the maid.If you happen to be richAnd you find you are left by your lover,And you moan and you groan quite a lotYou can take it on the chin,Call a cab and begin to recoverOn your 14-karat yacht! WHAT!?

I think it's misleading to even suggest they've got the wireless in Halifax. Last I saw, families there huddled around the hearth listening to the cat's whisker were literally listening to the cat's whisker. "A good meow is as good as Variety Bandbox any day," said Braithwaite.

I suspect the woman at the back of the pic (Shirley Stash from Admin) is furtively sabotaging them with that innocent-looking machine she's tinkering with. It's feeding expletives and flatulent sound effects into Sandy and Carol's console and any seconds now mayhem will take over....

It's always a bad sign when finacial ads become quirky & funny.They want us to cuddle them!Odd at the momoment, they no longer try and impress us with their professionalism & skill.Maybe because they realise we know now that it was they that caused our lovely Recession.It must be especially annoying for several people I know locally who have just been sacked from Halifax HQ.

Tony: They know that we're gnashing our teeth to be sfter them, hence why they're ensconced in the basement of the NCP carpark.

Eryl: I hope Sandy was generous with the port... even if it was cheap.Did she also shrink her acrylic tank top?

Mr XL: AND the Halifax will be launching the new Corgi account to commemorate the nuptials. Details coming soon... but it will involve percentages, division and a few graphs - plus a swing-o-meter linked with the housing market. Please do not ask me for an analysis. I am not good at maths.

The new boss thought that one person could easily do the job of four part-time admin workers, including me. So we were made redundant and replaced by one dynamic woman. Well, she was supposed to be dynamic but I gather she was totally knackered after a month or two.

Mitzi: Howard's extras were less exciting than one would imagine... they were nothing more than a CD of Halifax staff covering money related tunes by Pink Floyd and the Flying Lizards in the style of the Cheeky Girls. Sad, but true.

Wendy: Close to Cadbury Hill! Please bring back some Creme Eggs.

Roses: Is that them outside now...? They are wearing dark suits and sunglasses? Ah... no... it is just people turning up for the hose and spanner convention next door. Weird. It happens every weekend, you'd think I'd be used to it by now.I will keep some caramel digestives on standby just in case.