This is a very interesting question that I have been wrestling with for some time now. The big issue that lead me to ask this deals with re-enacting our abuse in various ways and why we would feel driven to do that.

I have been trying to sort of lay out a process that I have gone through many times before in the past, in another thread. It involves me developing some sort of crush on a heterosexual male. I have a terrible tendency to spend far too many hours of the day fantasizing about sexual scenarious with the guy and overanalyzing (I am thinking of renaming that 'microscrutinize') his every move and his every word, and it is quite compulsive. I used to think I had OCD and that's all it was, but that doesn't fit enough, if any, of the OCD criteria.

What's interesting, is that the situations that I get caught up in seem to very strongly mirror my abuse. It all started out with me feeling an odd and powerful attraction to my neighbors body, and I was extremely curious about it, always looking at him but pretending not to. It was at this point that I believe he began to groom and eventually seduce me.

It's beginning to appear that I keep trying to relive that exact same excitement, and the similarities are becoming quite striking. That may be why I find these "crushes" to be so troublesome, because they can never proceed the way I am wanting (which is in a way that I am not even aware of), which may be to be seduced by this "heterosexual" male. I am thinking about it as I type this, and I must say I believe that the answer is yes, I am waiting for him to seduce me.

It seems as though this desire is never met, and that leaves me with one question-

Am I stuck waiting for my abuser to come back without even realizing it?

When I think about it, the abuse was a regular physical outlet for me and I was unable to resist. I remember I tried to say no once but he was persistant. It was a big secret and I dared not speak of it, and it went on for several years where we would have physical contact about every other week, then every month, then every other month, then a few more times in the coming years until eventually not at all.

There appears to be a recognizible psychology here that seems to shout out the word "conditioning". It's almost as though I have been taught to anticipate the physical "pacification" but I'm not allowed to know when it's going to be available, but apparently I am to understand that it WILL happen, because it always eventually did. I was sort of "trained" to be able to go longer and longer without contact until eventually I will be able to wait for it FOREVER. When viewed in this way, it is easy to see how it could do so much damage. I was sort of abandoned with this desire that I wasn't even aware I had, because I was told to hide the desire where it can never be seen, which unfortunately means that eventually it will become hidden from even myself. It is almost as though my abuser taught me how to wait forever for him to come back, and I will be his again.

I am taking the necessary steps to move past this by making the decision to deploy the 'causality manual override' device. What I mean by this is that I am going to make the connection and believe it to be the cause even though I am not sure if it is correct. I don't care if it is not correct because I can change it later if I learn otherwise.

The question now becomes, "How do I stop waiting for my abuser to return?" This is very intriguing to me because at least for now it shows promise to possibly break this bind that causes me so much pain, humiliation and isolation, and hopefully for many of you guys as well.

I welcome and encourage anyone's feedback on this, so far it feels like another one of my recent and numerous epiphanies.

Hey CB, not quite the same but you did kind of give me that epiphanie as well. With my one and only girlfriend she was very very aggressive sexualy, she always initiated and well pretty much just took me, it became such a huge problem later because I would just passively accept the sex rather than any kind of mutuality to it. I'm sure she started to think that I didn't want it and was just doing it for her rather than us. Eventually she just stopped and that was very confusing for me. I guess the "that's all I'm good for" really came into play and my self esteem took a nose dive. If she wasn't going to use me then what good was I. After we broke up I'd meet girls and I'd always be waiting around for them to just take me, never happened and I could never initiate myself, I guess I was thinking that this was the way it was with all girls so it really was a confusing. Waiting for them all to use me.

The epiphany though is that I'm starting to get it, not all people are like my rapist, not all of them will abuse. Kind of sad really that this is what my view of intimacy boiled down to. I'm learning that this is not the way it is, that normal people actually care about what I want and they want a connection with me rather than just using me.

I'm starting to see that there is so much more involved with a true relationship, true intimacy. I want that, I know it can be so much better than what my first experience was. Love, what a wonderful thing to think about. That's what I want, not a re-creation of a rape.

Very hard to change that thinking that's plagued me for so many years.

What you seem to be dealing with is a lack of closure. Remember that as abused boys so many of us thought that the abuse would never end. I certainly felt that way. It didn't occur to me that perhaps I would outlast the abuser, since it began when I was 10 and he was already about 50. That started the tape in my head that got me thinking that all my life was just somehow "in between" episodes of abuse. The abuse was what was real.

Sound familiar? If so, that tape may still be playing in your head. The broken boy inside you doesn't see any tangible reason to think that things have really stopped.

One way to get past this may be to visit places where things happened of the neighborhood where you grew up. Such a visit will amaze you. The steep dangerous hill you remember from boyhood will turn out to be a gentle slope. You will see how things have changed. All that can serve as tangible visual evidence that the bad days really are over.

Have you seen Scott's (BruisesSpirit) thread on plans for such a visit? This might help you as well.

Much love,Larry

_________________________Nobody living can ever stop meAs I go walking my freedom highway.Nobody living can make me turn back:This land was made for you and me.(Woody Guthrie)

Thanks guys, I realize that what am talking about amounts to a need for closure.

What I am really hoping to hear is how many other guys out there might be stuck trying to repeat these sort of re-enactment cycles. I can't imagine that I am the only one who might be repeating unhealthy behaviors due to lack of closure (or I certainly hope I'm not the only one).

Coming back to this fear or reenactment, I can tell you that yes indeed, I had terrible problems with this as late as early last year. In November 2005, for example, when I was back in the States to disclose to my parents, we were sitting around their kitchen table one evening when I was totally flooded with fear and just fell apart. My Dad asked me what was wrong and I told him, "I'm afraid it will start all over again. I can't make him stop." Yep - present tense, and I had dissed right back to Little Larry, even though Big Larry knew very well that the abuser had died in 1994.

My T helped me to see that this was a closure issue, and a T that I sometimes see in PA (that's where I am right now) told me last week that the big steps in my recovery mostly seem to involve returns to PA, "where it all happened".

Visiting these places is something that works for me in drawing a line under these episodes, at least so far as fear of reliving them is concerned. For example, the fading of my problem with flashbacks seems to go back to February 2006, when I was back in PA and went to see the abuser's grave. I scattered the ashes of a letter I had written to him over his grave, and the whole exercise seems to have convinced Little Me that we could throttle back on the need to relive the past through flashbacks.

Much love,Larry

_________________________Nobody living can ever stop meAs I go walking my freedom highway.Nobody living can make me turn back:This land was made for you and me.(Woody Guthrie)

Larry has basically said most of what I was going to say about what you've posted here. I'm going to suggest one other thing in addition to that.

Has anyone ever suggested confrontation? This doesn't have to be direct confrontation between you and your abuser. You can write a letter to him that you aren't obligated to send. Just because you write a letter doesn't mean you have to mail it.

Another thing to try with this letter, is writing it with your non dominant hand. I have seen this used as a way to allow the boy inside to speak.

One thing I personally struggle with is that I now am fully aware that what happened to me was abuse. I have doubts that my abuser sees what he did to be abuse. I very strongly want to let him know what I know... and what he did was wrong... Because I too lack closure.

Thanks so much guys, that's exactly what I needed to hear. It's so strange sometimes how much pain we create with just my own thoughts. The feelings of isolation can be overwhelming even when I am surrounded by people who care.

My best friend is visiting me from the Phillipines, and he brought me a hand rolled cigar and a bottle of absin+he (shhh... I know it's naughty) and he understands me so deeply that he can sometimes tell what I'm thinking, word for word, just by looking at me. For example, today we were at "booger king", and a handsome-ish fella came in the door. I guess I was staring a bit intensly and my friend, "Big G", says, "Look at me look at me look at me look at me". I looked back at him and asked him what the heck he was talking about, and his response was, "That's what you were just thinking about that guy". I don't know why I was shocked but I couldn't believe how accurate he was. He was so incredibly dead on, those three words were actually being repeated in my mind as I was looking at the fellow coming in the door! He's a one in a million kind of friend.

I like your idea about the letter, I am going to give that some thought.

I realize that the results of whatever method I chose to obtain closure are entirely unique and personal, but what kind of results should I expect? What did you guys get out of it? Perhaps it is inappropriate to be anticipating anything specific and may end up being counterproductive to my efforts.

I'll check out your link Larry, thanks. If I am having trouble coming up with thoughts for my own personal closure I'll ask for help finding yours in the archives.

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