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Wednesday, July 9, 2014

this has been a rough year.

There are days that I want to take this blog down.
I want to be able to provide you, the readers, with happy posts.
I feel like I neglect you all for such crappy material I'm posting.. but this is my life.
It seems that 2014 isn't being as kind to me as I hoped and I've been through a lot so far.. and it's not slowing down.

I have osteoarthritis and tendinitis in my knee. It scares the crap out of me and leaves me in a lot of pain majority of the time. I can't imagine the remainder of my life dealing with this & I want answers on how to live with it. I want to run with my kids, I want to do the things that a Mom would do with her kids - without being in pain. Aside from the parental concerns; I'm in my 30's .. I want a normal life. What is normal anyway?

There are days I wonder about the direction of my life. I look at all the times I've just wasted being unhappy and complaining. I look at all the bad times and wish I had a magic clock to rewind so I would do so many things differently and at the same time - I don't regret anything. I'm in such a dark place right now with just everything.

There are so many different things going on in my life aside from the current knee stuff. I battle the infertility daily. I'm tired and I want to just walk away. We all know I wont though and I'll give myself the chance to do two rounds of invitro before really walking away. This is hard too knowing this is my last year to try to have a biological baby.

So much has changed this year.. and it all seems to be so sad and negative.

My family life is even worse with my immediate life. My living situation with all the roomies isn't any better. It's a daily adjustment, aggravation and I don't want to vent about it on the blog. It's not fair to them to be talked about on here. {both family and roomies} So I bottle it up. Talk to my close best friends and push through. At the end of this I just want to hurry up and move past all the bullshit.

I also am waiting for the upcoming announcement of orders with my husband & it's even more stress.
2014 wraps up shore duty for us on top of everything else. It's just overwhelming. I wish I had the support group that I needed to try and change this negative outlook. It's all on me to make each day count and move forward.. believe me I am trying.

I just want to say that I'm thankful that you guys are still reading my blog and cheering me on. I really really need the support right now. So please keep me in your prayers. Please don't give up on me. If we are friends outside of the blog, I really need you right now.