nothing in here is true

Thursday, March 28, 2002

i love her. i love her so much that i think i had my first crush on a girl named Ilka because Ilka looked like Jodie.

Both tomboys with long hair and cool dispositions, the moment that I met Ilka I fell for her and was shocked at the startling resemblence to Jodie.

Ilka, however, lived near Rich Van Doren, a cute blonde kid who had it all, including the best girl in town as his neighbor.

Isn’t that always the case? How unfair.

Rich and I were friends so all of us played soccer together in the courtyard and this was 6th grade and I had just discovered swear words and I thought that saying them would make me seem older and wiser, so whenever I could I would reel off one four-letter word after another.

I don’t think this impressed Ilka.

I also cheated at soccer.

I camped out right next to the oppossing goalie and waited for the long pass so i could tap it in and score. Little did any of us know, but this was off-sides and not at all fair. But all’s fair in love and suburban soccer, right?

No, not really.

I was so amazed by Ilka that before I would go to sleep I would imagine her getting hit by a school bus right near our tennis courts. In my dream I would be walking next to her before the accident and after it I would give her mouth-to-mouth recessitation and save her life, which, of course, would not only allow me to sorta make out with her, but I would become her instant hero.

Fortunately my dreams don’t come true, and Ilka remained healthy to this very day.

As a matter of fact, after a little Googling, just last year, I did a search for my grade school crush and believe it or not, but I tracked her down.

Ilka, I was amazed to discover, is not only a doctor, but a vetrinarian, a horse doctor, living in the countryside.

We’ve emailed each other several times, and even though we’ve exchanged phone numbers, neither of us have gathered enough courage to actually call each other.

Even though we both said how great it would have been if I had told her in 6th grade about my crush on her.

Let that be a lesson to you, kids. Always tell the hot chick you dig her.

Or forever deal with the fact that it will be the Rich Van Dorens of the world will get to hold her hand on the hay ride at the fair, and not you.

Mad shoutouts to George who stoked the Snoop Fund $10 – you are quite a Soul Brother, thank you. And to AS who flowed the Bad Kitty a buck, thank you, amigo, it’s much appreciated.