Tuesday, March 27, 2012

How to Give Yourself Happily Ever After

How often do we despair because of where we've "ended up." As in, "I never thought I'd end up divorced." Or "I never believed I'd end up the wife of a philanderer."

The thing is, we haven't "ended up." We're here...sure. That's the bad news. The good news is we don't have to stay here. "Here," isn't where it ends.

It's an important thing to recognize. It's what keeps us moving forward – this notion that we're in a hellish place but this isn't the end. And it's something that's all too easy to forget. We get stuck in thinking that life will never get better. He'll never stop cheating. You'll never be able to trust him. Pretty soon you've gone down the well-worn psychological path that leads only to a life lived alone, homeless, with nothing but feral cats for company and plastic bags for shoes.

So much of healing isn't about what's actually happening...but rather what we tell ourselves. And telling ourselves that it will never get better is disempowering ourselves in the worst possible way.

If there's one thing I've learned through all this, it's that the only thing I can control is myself...and that includes my thoughts.

Yeah, I know it's hard to stomach that when your husband seems to be the one pulling the strings. Our healing seems dependent on his behaviour. And there's no question that someone else's crazy can seep into our own lives...especially when we share a roof, bank account and possibly offspring with that person. But the way to survive – and certainly the only way to thrive – is to control your own story.

I recently read about a woman who was diagnosed with cervical cancer. Well, she thought, this is the end. She fought the disease but only to buy herself a little more time. The thing is she beat the cancer. Completely gone. Her end...wasn't. The story she'd told herself turned out to be wrong and she felt discombobulated with this new reality.

None of know what our ending will be. We only know the chapter we're on right now. And we're the ones controlling the letters on the keyboard. Keep creating your own story, with you as the triumphant hero who overcame tragedy to create a life rich with meaning and moments worth savoring. If someone else is trying to write your own, push his aside. Relegate him to the second-man status. See his behaviour as what it is – his own story full of failings and missteps. He controls his story...and you control yours.

14 comments:

I appreciate your journey and your blog as I have just found out about my husband's infidelities. I am devastated beyond belief and I honestly don't know how I'll ever forgive him. I know he's really remorseful, really trying--he's in IC and sobs daily at the pain he's caused me. And he's committed to me and our marriage and as he's trying to get to the "Why's", I just find myself MORE angry. I know the "Why's" matter (he's had no contact with her) but still, he has broken his vows. He has destroyed what I thought was a "perfect" marriage. I had no idea. I did NOT see it coming. I honestly don't know if I want to work things out with him. I know what HE wants--how do I know what I want, when this is all about HIM?????

You don't know what you want and it's crazy to expect someone who has undergone what you've undergone to know. The women who simply storm out the door? Or those who toss him to the curb? Maybe they have clarity...but I doubt it's without some sort of regret down the road. Most experts, which includes marital counsellors as well as those of us who've walked the road, say to give yourself a good six months before you make any big decisions. It's tough to keep yourself in something of a holding pattern when you want clarity NOW but it allows those feelings, which will change as quickly as the weather in Maine, to ultimately settle into something that resembles an actual decision based on careful thought and not a knee-jerk response to pain. That's not to say you can't still decide you need some time away from him...or that he needs to move into the spare bedroom or whatever. It simply means nothing more or less than that you need time to sort through this. In the meantime, he has time to show you his remorse and give you transparency. This also gives you the chance to really sort through your feelings and determine what you think you can get past...and what you can't. None of this is easy...but time makes it more clear. You'll find many posts on this site that discuss this further. Elle

Inflicted -- I'm so sorry you've been unwillingly recruited into the club. I'm so, so sorry. Many of the books I read said give it a year before making any major life decisions and that is what I did. However, I just passed my one year Dday anniversary and I'm still not ready to make any major decisions. So, I'm still not making any. I'm just taking my time and I will decide when I'm ready to decide.

Elle -- I came across the following quote in a comment on the "Life After Tampons" blog. I loved it so much that I printed it out and it goes well with your above post. They are words to live by. Here it is:"Remembering that I am the author of my life and I make my own decisions in my own time. I can do whatever I want to do. What you think of me does not matter at all."

Life After Tampons?? Is it a menopause blog? Very curious... Thanks for that quote -- very true (though it's hard to make myself believe it sometimes!). And thanks for offering up your support to Inflicted. Sucks to be here...I know. But we're a nice bunch!

WOW! So glad I found you! I have been writing a blog about my husband's affair. Started 4 months ago. Found this because I recently wrote about Hysterical Bonding and when I googled it, your blog popped up. I love that you're sharing a map through the maze to others just beginning the extraordinarily complicated journey to healing. It's absolutely crucial to have a solid support system when dealing with a wayward spouse.http://ayearaftertheaffair.blogspot.com/

It never occurred to me that there would be a blog out there that could help me thru this terrible experience. But in my search for spousal support for sex addicts I found you, thank you all so much for sharing your experience cause as I see myself in your posts I know I'm not crazy and there are others going thru the same thing. Although I've caught my husband talking to other women on line a number of times over the almost 30 yrs of our marriage I never thought it went further than that. I did it all from anger to kicking him out and even "acceptance"....thinking it was just a flaw in his personality that he felt the need to talk to other women. And then my world came crashing down when he finally admitted to multiple one night stands and after all the years if dealing with this I feel like I'm at ground zero

Anonymous,No, you're definitely not alone. And yes, you are at Ground Zero. The good news is that there's nowhere to go but up. Well, you could hang around at Ground Zero for a few years and wallow. But I don't recommend it. It's excruciating to be where you are. It's confusing and painful and utterly disorienting to feel like your reality is so unreal. But...you will get through this. For now, don't even think about making decisions about whether to stay/go. Determine what you need right now. If you want him close, then allow him to be close (though I HATE to remind you to have yourself tested for STDs...and use protection until you're both declared "clean"). If you need space, then give yourself space. If you don't know what you want/need, then allow yourself to just take some time to figure it out. It will get clearer as days/weeks/months go by. Is he getting any treatment for sex addiction? Does he admit to it? Are you getting counselling as a couple? There's much you can do to heal. You might want to start by getting the book by Stefanie Carnes (daughter of sex addiction research pioneer Patrick Carnes) called Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts. Right now, you need to take care of you -- your basic needs such as sleep and food and comfort. Then you can move on to the bigger questions about where you go from here.In the meantime, I'm here...and so are a lot of others who come here to take and offer support.Elle

Hi Elle~ Love the blog! My husband and I have been married for a little over 10 years now but have been together for 15. In our dating years there were some issues with cheating on his end. Its funny because when you ask if we stayed, left, or revenge cheated, I did all 3. In the beginning (dating years) it was the revenge cheating. I think at that point I was young and immiture in our relationship and didn't really know how to respond. I was 16 at the time. We decided to stop the games and commit to one another. In 2001 we were married. A year later I got pregnant with our first child. At that time it started again. He worked as a nurse and went out a lot. Between then and the beginning of 2006 there were many women that I found out about. The last affair he had got pretty serious. In the beginning of 2006 I found out I was pregnant again. Our daughter was born in Sept. In June of that year I had moved out of the house and in Augusr I filed for divorce. It was final on Valentines Day 2007. There are many steps one goes through emotionally when dealing with this. When people ask me how I forgave him, because we are remarried, the only thing I can compare it to is grieving. I had to look at him almost as if he were dead to me. The man I knew he could be was not the man he was CHOOSING to be. To make a long story short, he came back to the house in April of 2007. I had NO intention of taking him back. But somewhere down the road we started dating again. We got to know eachother all over again and ON PURPOSE. To this day we work on our marriage and it is better than I could ever immagine. We have had 2 more babies since then and it is great! We actually created a website, www.k6leadership.com, where we posted our video that outlines our story and our purpose is to help couples repair their marriages. If the only reason the Lord allowed me to go through those situations was so that we could help others it was worth it. I love to see other stories that give people HOPE..Thanks for sharing and doing what you do! ~Nikki

Hi Nikki,Thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad you two found your way back to each other. It's critical for both our own healing and our spouse's healing that we acknowledge the point you made: that the cheating spouse is choosing to be that person and that we have the choice to either stay or go. We can't change them unless they choose to become someone who doesn't cheat. And once we let go of any belief that we can control them, we're free to focus on becoming who we want to be – either on our own or with our spouse.It's always wonderful to hear about couples who've managed to not only get past this...but triumph over it.Elle

I has started reading your blog months ago....this morning I spent hours reading the rest of your blogs and the comments......thank you so much for your powerful words. I have 2 pages of notes and of books and blogs to look at. D-Day was June 2008 for me. My story is that my husband and I then spent the next three years off and on again....whew, it was quite a ride and not sure I would recommend it to others, but it is my story and one I was meant to do. So, that being said I feel as if I am still going through things and am still healing. Time to take care of me.

I've been inspired by your blog and survivinginfidelity.com and started my own blog. Going to do 180 and have fun fixing me and moving on until jerkface figures out his own crap, if ever. Anyway, maybe some followers here want to follow cheatersneverwin2012.blogspot.com and offer me some support!?

Hi CNW,So sorry for what you're going through. As you likely know from Surviving Infidelity, you're husband is essentially reading from the cheater's handbook. I think you need to get clear on what you will and will NOT accept. You draw the line in the sand and then it's up to him. But yes, you should do a 180 and take care of yourself. You're no good to yourself or your kids if you're falling apart (I know...easier said than done). Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, be strong for your kids because this is terrifying for them, and recognize that he's the crazy-maker so until he starts making sense you're not playing.Good luck.Elle

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I created this blog because I not only survived, but triumphed over my husband's infidelity. And I believe you can, too.

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We're mothers, daughters, sisters, friends, wives. Wives of men who cheated.
Never did we expect to be that last one.
But here we are.
Along with some wonderful women we've met on our journey toward wholeness, after feeling completely shattered. We call ourselves the "Betrayed Wives Club". But don't feel sorry for us. We're definitely not victims. Nor are you. We're kicking infidelity's (ahem) ass and remain determined to help you do the same.
We're mothers, daughters, sisters, friends, wives.
Wives who have overcome our husbands' betrayal.
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