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Thursday, November 29, 2012

LIKE LIKE LIKE: Harper Beckham

I don't have a daughter but if I did, I'd want her to look just like Victoria and David Beckham's littlest. This child is just SO GOBBLY!!! (remember that word?)I heart her and her chunky thighs and her adorable wardrobe.

DISLIKE DISLIKE DISLIKE: Kristen Stewart

There is nothing this girl can say or do that will make me like her. The End.LIKE: Jim Toth and Reese Witherspoon on a lunch date.

He had me at the suit. The way he is looking at his wife. That he is taking his wife out to lunch. IN A SUIT. She had me at the peacock blue/green heels and that insanely amazing handbag.DISLIKE: Jim Toth's mustache. Ew.

LIKE: That this one may be pregnant again. I can hardly wait for the "outfits" to begin again.DISLIKE: Jared Leto.

Someone needs to explain whatever THAT is to my 16-year-old self. Because Jordan Catalano and I are horrified.

{I'm good at leaning on walls in the halls at school. Or sitting here, brooding. Over lost eyebrows.}

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

That’s my sister and I, six years ago.I was 7 months pregnant. Or 17 months. What’s the difference, anyway? My scale couldn’t tell you.I’m willing to bet $1 million dollars that the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade was playing on the tv to the left of us. My mom either took this picture or was in the kitchen stirring mashed potatoes and making the best gravy ever known to man. Probably all of the above.My hand is bandaged up because I had just come back from the emergency room where an ER doc had picked poppy seeds out of a profusely bleeding gash in my hand and stitched all back up...seedless. Yes, I was the dumb one who sliced a bagel…while holding it in my hand. And the knife? Sllllllllllllllice. Right through the bagel, into my hand. I know you are looking at the title of my post right about now and wondering if I am a sick, sick girl. Keep reading though. I’m getting to my favorite part.My favorite memory is right before this pic was taken. My hand hurt so, so bad. And even though it was my left hand, I was surprised to learn how many times a right-hander depends on their left hand in everyday tasks. So my sister sat cross-legged on my bed with me. She did my hair. She helped stuff my pregnant belly into a dress. She did my makeup. And naturally, because this is my sister we are talking about, she cracked jokes the whole time, and made fun of my makeup saying things like “YOU USE A TOOTHBRUSH AS YOUR EYEBROW BRUSH?!”And I had to defend myself and say things like: “WHAT?! It wasn’t like a USED toothbrush! It was one of the ones the dentist gave out. Besides, it works really well!”And the tears of laughter only got worse when she read my…ahem…eyebrow brush said “Dr. Smith” on it, with the ever so convenient phone number personalized right next to his name, so I could easily remember to schedule my follow up visits. I’m pretty sure this means Sephora has me black-listed now.But my point in all of this?Some of the best memories of a holiday can come from where you least expect it. Like toothbrushes in your make up bag.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

When I was pregnant with my first, I soaked up all the parenting books, overflowing with their advice on how to get the baby to sleep through the night or proper swaddling techniques or burping techniques or get-the-baby-to-stop-crying techniques.

It's all garbage.

Look, if you are pregnant right now and reading this, I am going to save you a lot of time and tell you everything you need to know right here.

1.) If you are pregnant with your first kid, do not do ANYTHING except sleep. Just sleep, and sleep, and sleep. If you get up and the clock says 10am, fluff your pillow and go right back to sleep. May I even suggest having someone take video of you sleeping? It will be a great memory to treasure...and cry over....in the months ahead.

2.) That said, sleep deprivation is torturous. If you have a kid that sleeps through the night, get down on your knees every hour on the hour and thank your lucky stars. Don't ever complain about anything ever again.

If you have a kid that doesn't sleep through the night, quickly disassociate yourself from any friends who have kids sleeping through the night, as that will only make you feel even worse than you already do on zero sleep. (Oh yes, it's possible to feel worse.) It is perfectly ok to make yourself feel better by making predictions about all those parents with the sleeping kids...like they will probably have a horrendous time with potty training, or their kids will be the weird ones who eat boogers and like it.

3.) Realize that anything you think is weird and swear your kids will NEVER do, they will do. Like eat their boogers and like it.

4.) Never do anything productive like clean out and reorganize cabinets full of toys. 5.) If you ignore my advice on #4, this will happen about seven minutes after you are done putting the last airplane in the newly created "Airplane Bin".

6.) Do me a favor and look up "airplane bins" and "at the end of her wits" in a baby book right now.

7.) I told you those books are garbage.

8.) Set your expectations low for the day. For example, "Today I will wipe away the crusty eye boogers from my eye." That way, anything else you accomplish for the day is bonus and you feel good about how productive you are.

9.) Throw away any and all pre-pregnancy shirts now. Trust me on this. Even if you lose all the baby weight. Something really weird happens once you have a baby: all your old shirts become belly button baring crop tops. It's the strangest phenomena I've ever seen.

10.) Ignore any advice given to you by other moms who are dressed to the nines, in full perfect makeup, with their perfect kids lined up beside them. Do, however, accept any advice from their nanny, housekeeper, night nurse, or assistant.

Feel free to ask questions, get advice, or complain away to any moms who are tired, hungry, mismatched, or bitter about airplane bins. They get it.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

I was recently perusing my typical intellectual reading(*cough gossip website cough*) and saw a link to a blog post written by Christina Applegate entitled "My Tips For a Working Mother". Yes. Let's do this, Christina. I am a full-time working mother of two. I need all the help and advice I can get.
I quickly dive right into the article.... ....................and quickly realize Christina Applegate, God bless her, has no real advice for me.
So I had to respond:Christina Applegate's working mom advice: Find something you love to do with your daughter!McMommy's working mom advice: Find something to do for dinner! But make sure you defrost it at 6am because when you walk in the door at 6pm and the kids are a meltdown, screaming I-AM-STARVING!-when-is-dinner-going-to-be-ready?!-can-I-have-this-cookie-as-a-snack?-you-are-SOOOO-MEAN-for-not-letting-me-eat-this-cookie-right-now-because-I-am-HUNNNNGRY!! mess?You are already ahead of the game. Even better? CROCK POT.

Christina Applegate's working mom advice:Build a support system!McMommy's working mom advice: Build a support system....Including but not limited to: the help of family, the bribery of a Dollar Store visit, and the victory of good wine on sale. But let's be clear--the Dollar Store bribe is for your child. The wine is for you. And do NOT buy any wine at the Dollar Store. Christina Applegate's working mom advice:The ongoing juggling act and the power of distractionMcMommy's working mom advice: What? That isn't even a complete sentence, Christina!You know the infamous phrase: "I don't know how she does it!" Yeah, well, neither do we. I think my best advice for working moms is that when you feel like you are all alone, doggy-paddling to stay afloat.....comfort yourself by knowing there is another working mom out there who is feeling EXACTLY THE SAME WAY.
You are not alone when you are making their lunches and their breakfast simultaneously...when you are doing the kids hair while also trying to do your own...when you are wiping toothpaste off their cheeks, making sure you signed the reminder binder, and praying the outfit you are wearing isn't the same one you wore on Monday. Because who can actually remember what happened on Monday. There will be many days when you will look longingly at the moms dropping the kids off at school wearing their workout clothes. And imagine how awesome it would be to hit the gym or go for a leisurely run at 9 in the morning instead of sitting at a desk. You are not the only one looking at the clock at dismissal time, wishing you could be there to pick the kids up from school. And I promise you are not the only working mom who cannot volunteer in the classroom every week like the other moms {although you will wish with every star in the sky that you could because you see how excited and proud your kid is to see you there in the classroom.} There will be many a night when you are cooking dinner, helping the oldest with homework, trying to play legos with the youngest and yet you are still wearing your work clothes{please for the love of god just give mommy two minutes to get comfy and throw her hair into a ponytail, plllllllllease} all while you are trying to forget that due to that guy leaving the company today...you now have 17 hours worth of additional work to do. {Did my phone just ding with a work email? Ew.}So amen, sister. It is an ongoing juggling act but it's reassuring to know we aren't the only juggler in the circus. We all have our reasons for working, whether it be for the money, the insurance, the fulfillment, the opportunity, or dare I say.....those initial 3 minutes of uninterrupted bliss when you first get into the office and enjoy a hot cup of coffee in silence. HEAVEN RIGHT THERE.Uh oh, that isn't even a complete sentence.Touché, Christina Applegate, touché.

Monday, November 12, 2012

You love anything lemon. ME TOO. People are lucky we don't squeeze lemon on our cereal.

You hate to lose at anything. ME TOO. Did Grandma tell you yet about the time I chewed up the CandyLand purple Sugar Plum card that sent me all the way back to beginning? Stupid Sugar Plum. Pretty sure you won't be telling someone to go back to the beginning when you are all torn up in a million pieces.

You always look for a shortcut to accomplish things. ME TOO. The triple-washed-bagged salad invention? Made for people like us.

You don't have a lot of patience. ME TOO. I try so hard to help you to be more patient because I know what it's like to have that frustration. But in some ways? Maybe it's a good thing. People like us want it all and we want it now. Watch out if you are in our way. You have a temper. ME TOO. We are quick to react, make no apologies for how we feel, and have even been known to throw a hairbrush or two in the heat of the moment. We also realize when we are wrong.

The other night we were driving home from a full day's worth of activities. You were tired. You got angry. You said some pretty hurtful things to me that made me blink away tears. The next morning, I was sitting in bed with my coffee and you crawled in next to me. You watched a little tv with me and then turned to me and said "Mommy, I'm really sorry for the things I said last night. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry."I wasn't expecting that and suddenly I was blinking away tears again. I pulled you close to me and you wrapped your arms around my neck. I told you I understood. That I get angry too and say things I don't mean sometimes. But your unprompted apology, kiddo? Meant so much to me.And great job on the timing of that apology. Because you puked all over me the next night.