What Chilli wants…my thoughts

Ever since I read this book recently, I had been planning on writing about single women and the search for the perfect man. I know, I am not a single woman, haven’t been one in 15 years now but as a woman who is more or less happily married, I might know a thing or two about men. I would tell any woman, if you want to get married and settle down, you would do good to go and talk to someone who has been married a long time…at least 10 years. Ideally 20 or more if you can find such a person. Why? Because these will often be folks who can give you some real info, not that crap pumped out by self-help guru’s and folks like Patty of the Millionaire Matchmaker who have never been married. Look, marriage in many ways is like having a child. Yes there are professionals who understand marriage and parenting without ever having experienced it but folks who have experienced it often have a lot to share.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night since elder boy had to head off really early to catch an early morning flight in Boston. I tried to go back to sleep and sleep decided to go MIA so in the absence of sleep, I decided to catch up on my television viewing. Turns out in the middle of the night, there are not a lot of great options and so I landed on Vh-1 and caught some piece of fuckery “What Chilli Wants”. Chilli is a former member of the 1990’s group TLC and is now looking for a man to settle down with. I know…its vh1. Anyway Chilli is working with a coach who from what I can gather will help guide her in the right direction. Now I will admit I did not see the entire show but often these types of shows don’t require you watch from beginning to end to figure them out.

Now to start off with Chilli seems like a nice lady, she is clearly attractive despite rocking the baby hair…um, what the fuck is up with that? But..and if you a 30 something woman, it’s a big but, she is a single mama. Look, there is nothing wrong with being a single Mama but self-awareness is a great thing. Ladies when you hit your 30’s and still aren’t married, you are now competing not only with other fabulous women in their 30’s but also babes in their 20’s. Seriously a man in his 30’s and this is not a race thing cuz despite the fact that all we ever hear about are lonely Black women and Black men partnering with White women, the truth is whites got it tough too, but that is another blog post.

So if you are a single Mama in your 30’s despite still having a fabulous figure you are actually already coming with a slight disadvantage as far as the pool of men who might want you. I met the Spousal Unit when elder boy was 3 and remarried when he was 5, I suspect had he been older that could have changed the dynamics greatly. In my informal poll, women I know who were single Mamas who did marry someone other than their kid’s father seem to have greater luck when their kids are younger. It’s hard enough for a man to step in and know he may need to parent a child that is not his but make that kid a pre-teen or teenager and it gets harder, not impossible just harder.

So now that we have established what Chilli is working with, lets see what it is she wants. Well she wants a fine man who has a 6 pack, loves God, non smoking, non drinking, has money and oh…he can’t eat pork. Look at that list again and see if you can spot the items that seem based on fantasy island. Look, I can dig the fact that non smoking and non drinking are on the list, those have the ability to impact quality time spent together. But 6 pack abs? For real? Chilli, you are cute and all but do you realize that outside the entertainment world that real men past a certain age well, they might not have 6 pack abs….hell they might not even have a 4 pack. Bodies change and no it’s not about letting yourself go but in the real world at a certain age to maintain those 6 pack abs might require a man who spends all his time at the gym. Do you really want that?

By the way what is up with the no pork? I gotta be honest if you said you are a vegetarian and wanted a fellow non meat eater I wouldn’t even blink, but shit like no pork sounds pretentious..again, do you really want a man? I got to be honest Chilli you seem like you still working with the checklist of a young girl and not a grown woman. It’s ok though because many women do the same thing. For some reason women the idea of Prince Charming is drilled into our heads at an early age and in some cases we never let go then wonder why we aren’t happily married. Well for starters maybe we need to toss out the fucking list, men rarely have a list, hell men generally know in a short span of time if a woman is potential wife/mama material but ladies we are so caught up in the fantasy that we let good men pass us by. Often for superficial reasons, I have joked before, I almost turned the Spousal Unit down when he asked me out. Why? For starters he is only 5’9…never mind he is taller than me, even wearing heels he is still taller than me. Like many women thoughI wanted a tall man over 6 ft tall..funny thing is my first husband was well over 6 ft tall, even still has a full head of hair (how many women won’t date a bald or balding man..I am married to one) yet we did not work out. Yet when I let go of my childish ideas of what a man should be, I found one.

So to all my single ladies maybe its time to do away with the list because really most of the things we tend to put on the list are silly…as for Chilli I hope she finds love thought she is going to have to be willing to adjust her needs and wants. Otherwise Chilli will be a 40 something single Mama looking for love.

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Loving this post! I do not know anyone married 20+ years. I only know of people married 10+ years so my help and advice has been limited to friends married almost 5 yrs which probably is not good either. Thos married past the 10-20+ yr mark do not like to discuss their marriages but they like to tell me what I’m doing wrong all the time which is fine but tell me how you got your man, what worked for you, and how you sustain your relationship.

Yes, I too am more than willing to hear your two cents on single mothers dating (I’m one of them *wince*). Chilli, I’m sorry to say, is mad delusional: a six-pack that doesn’t need to be refrigerated and no pork…oh, word? chile, WE DON’T HAVE those options! I myself just need the basics: fidelity, strong moral fiber, likes the kiddos, etc. (But first, for the next couple of years or so, I must groom myself to be wifely–turn my Esther on, as it were.)

Also, I may need a canteen and a TomTom to search for the 20+ year married couples…I could be wrong *shrug*.

“Yet when I let go of my childish ideas of what a man should be, I found one.”

Well said! If you had told me 5 years ago that my now-husband would be white, 2 inches shorter than me, and slightly balding, I would have told you off. I thought I knew what I wanted, but the universe knew EXACTLY what I needed. With his intangible qualities (excellent morals, intelligence, education and goals to continually progress, incredible sense of humor, unwavering love and respect for me) I know that my future kids and I will be OK.

I wish Chilli success, but given that so-called dating “reality” shows have a losing track record, I’m not going to waste my time watching to find out.

I didn’t recall who the heck Chilli is, but remember well the girl group she sang in, TLC. The late “Left Eye Lopez” was such a star and a wild child in her personal life that she overshadowed Chilli and the other girl.

So, out of curiosity, I googled a bit. This Chilli had a long term thing going on with Usher, but supposedly walked when she discovered he messed around. You know how these stories go, there’s always the backstory. I watched a couple interviews and the trailer for What Chilli Wants. That was amusing, especially when her matchmaker got frustrated with her “lists” and endless requirements for perfections and said something like, “date Jesus!”

The thing is, I couldn’t get a ‘fix’ on her personality. It’s like Champ at VSB often says, “what do Beyonce and Jay-Z talk about?”

Magnify that ten times, no, maybe 100, for Chilli.

That chick comes across as sooo boring (which could just be bad PR handling), but if she really is, maybe that’s one of the clues of what anyone, woman or man, need to do to keep a partner and relationship. Like you said, a 30-something woman no matter how attractive will have to compete not only with her age group but the 20s girls. At the least she should have a variety of interests and opinions to share beyond her career goals and other me-isms, ie, me wants this, me wants that, me me me.

You know my situation, which is why I always come to you for advice. I’m dating someone 9.5 years younger than me.

Although, I’m 33 and I’m riding on the fact that I look several years younger and I’m pretty fit. I’m gonna ride this out until I can’t anymore. LOL. Am I living in a fantasy world?

Seriously, though, I don’t think it’s an issue of adjusting one’s standards as it is about being REALISTIC. Why does a man have to have a six-pack? When women in their thirties have these unrealistic goals, it does make one wonder whether what these standards mask severe maturity issues.

I happened to land on this show the other night also (after a tragic run in with Brandi & Ray J–why o why do they need a show??) I had to stop watching after her date with the guy who seemed rather nice, because I knew that if she hadn’t found anything wrong with him, we wouldn’t have a whole season of shows to muddle through.

Her check list was completely and utterly unrealistic — I’ve been married 10 years, and sure — I had a check list, but it was realistic at the time (i was 21 – married him at 23). Job, your own place, own car, no crazy exes, no bad rep (since we went to the same school, that was easy to verify), funny, can’t be a liar, and a few other random things.

Seemed to me that Chili was being picky for the sake of being picky. I mean what’s wrong with a man eating pork? Especially if he cooks it, cleans up after it & has a dedicated *pork pan* (if that’s even an issue). Seriously though — she’s in ATLANTA…in the south. Pork is a staple — it seemed to me she was throwing out unrealistic wants (not needs) as a road block because she isn’t really ready for a relationship. Usher wasn’t what i’d call a prime catch, besides all that he was young, able to be controlled, and probably when he finally got drift that she was a bit bossy, and all relationships aren’t like that, he was ready to go.

You also forgot to mention that her list required the guy be “super fine, and packing”. I am not in Atlanta (where supposedly ‘fine’ is overflowing) but I can’t even remember the last time I ran across a man that was super fine, or one that I anticipated was packing (besides, how is she screening for that one anyway???).

I can’t say that I’ll tune in again – I’m so tired of celebrities with their “waaa waaa, it’s hard being a single celeb” dating shows.

Vonnie, I hear ya girl. At a certain age super fine men are hard to find and if they are single, what’s wrong with them. I don’t know but past a certain age, super fine means nothing. I just need you to be attractive enough, that I don’t need to put a mask on you to start visualizing someone else. Really if I were single, I would want someone who is there with me for everything. I am talking a man who will go out and get ya tampons, hell a man who when you tell em tampons he knows what you need. A man who will do your laundry or as my hubby did recently a man who will help you take your extensions out.

6 pack abs generally don’t do any of that. Nat you are right its not about settling its about being realistic. I think too many females greatly overestimate what they bring to the table. The book I mentioned in this post is a must read for single women, I often joke and I am not lying had my Mama not strongly suggested I at least go on one date with my hubby I would have passed him up. Why? For really superficial reasons, in the end he was exactly what I need and continues to be.

Both men and women seem to have certain visions of what their ideal partner should be. Lots of people are unrealistic and simply plain shallow.

I’m very petite, barely 5’1″…this is mostly why I prefer taller men. My husband is 6’4”. He turned 40 this year, but he’s still in pretty good shape and has all his hair.

I’m still in my 20’s. Most of the guys I know (including men in their 60’s) feel entitled to have the “perfect 10”. They want a girl with big boobs, an hourglass figure, and looks that will stop traffic.

Never mind the fact that they themselves are often average or below average and don’t have much to offer…but they expect a gorgeous wife or girlfriend who will whip up delicious dishes, wear sexy lingerie, and rock their world sexually. They rarely give the women on their level a chance. I stopped fooling with boys and found myself a real man.

Like you said, there are the women who are way too picky. I don’t believe that anyone should “settle”, but some people are single because they have unrealistic standards. Some women can be just as elitist and shallow as the men I talked about…they want a man who drives a Mercedes/BMW/Bentley, they want a doctor or lawyer, they want a man without kids, they want a tall man with a perfect body and mind-blowing bedroom skills.

Then when they cannot find anyone to meet these expectations, they wonder why they’re still single. I have more respect for single people who are simply content to live their lives and don’t have an entire “list” of what they want their ideal partners to be.