If This Is The Last Year In Existence Then Business Better Pick Up

January 10, 2012

Happy Tuesday!

You’re not quite at 2/5’s through the week, but you’re going strong or at the very least you’re going. Right? I mean you can’t be stopped and reading this. Unless this is the last thing you are reading right before you suicide yourself. In that case, I’m honored. I guess there’s two ways of looking at being the last thing someone reads before they decided to end their life. 1. Your writing was what they wanted to read last as the metaphorical eternal taste of mortality they take into unliving. 2. Your writing drove them to kill themselves. Now, the second option sounds way worse than the first and it is, but it does mean your writing does produce a reaction, a BIG reaction. Most writing elicits no response. Think about how many things you read on a given day. A political article, movie news, a tweet, a status update about someone’s bustling new marriage with pictures, and although some of those could be so depressing you may want to kill yourself – you don’t. That is until you read this KSWI post and you do. And that means, I was doing something on a different level, a higher level of depressing or something. But it was more and different and that sometimes is good enough. Just like Wednesday, which is the day you are striving to reach right now. It is more of the same shit like Tuesday is and it is a little different because it is closer to the miraculous weekend.

After reading all of that, you’re a fraction closer to the weekend and potentially enjoying in the comfort of the flesh: yours, someone elses, two other peoples, your own while you watch two other people enjoy each others and maybe there’s whip cream.

ANYWAY!!!!

Nothing is going on.

I watched Alabama beat the shit out of LSU last night. I didn’t go to University of Alabama. I’ve never even been inside the state of Alabama. I didn’t have any money on the game for Alabama. This all means, I couldn’t careless about how “great” it is that Alabama won. It was a shitty game. The OSU/Stanford game was much more exciting and that’s really because of OSU. Andrew Luck is boring as sin and looks like a jock version of the main kid on Freaks and Geeks.

I don’t know what that means in the grand scheme of things, but I can’t get it out of my brain when I look at him. Plus, Stanford? Boring. I don’t want my football players coming from Stanford. I know people say, “well, John Elway went to Stanford.” And I tell those people, “hey, can you be useful for a second and suck a bag of dicks or die in a house fire?” And then the cops are like, “what did you say?” And I’m like, “Freedom of Speech, pig! Ever heard of it?!” Then I’m in jail and there’s a fat trucker who was smuggling heroin pooping a foot from me and there are all these gangs I have to think about joining and possibly becoming a Muslim. And why? Because people feel the need to defend Stanford?! It’s not like you went there! Fuck Stanford. Fuck it in its ass.

Did you know the guitarist for Sleater-Kinney is funny? Who knew?!

There she is! Carrie Brownstein is/was the guitarist for Sleater-Kinney. That band is pretty much broken up, but we’re not here to talk about that. We’re here to talk about Carrie… Carrie Brownstein! I mentioned yesterday that I had been watching Portandia and I was finding it funnier than I previously expected to because I haven’t watched a Saturday Night Live episode in the past 4 years where I haven’t wanted to jump off the Sears Tower while the final credits rolled and since Fred Armisen is on that show and Portlandia is his show with Carrie I wasn’t expecting a whole lot, but it is really good.

While watching the show, I started wondering why I thought Carrie looked familiar. I thought of movies and television shows and I couldn’t place it. That was until I finally went on the information nexus – google – and found out she was in a band I listened to some times back in college. So… that’s interesting, right?

Carrie being in Sleater-Kinney makes some of the show make more sense. She plays the guitar a couple times on the show and now it makes sense that she does play the guitar really well and should incorporate it into the show. Also, random musical people are on the show and it would make sense that Carrie knows them and not that Fred Armisen has been stealing contact numbers from SNL’s database of late 90’s musical guests.

Also, I ended up reading Carrie’s wikipedia page, which is what you do when LSU’s offense is so fucking boring and ineffective that they can’t get past the fucking 50 yard line for 3.5 quarters of a football game. I found out that there’s been this on going like cat and mouse game with Carrie and her being gay. What?! Actually, it is kind of “funny” that her Dad apparently first heard about Carrie being gay through an article that Spin magazine wrote about Sleater-Kinney. That’s probably a pretty unique experience only her Dad has ever had. Not too many people who read Spin magazine have ever learned their kid could be getting sexy with a member of their own sex. I’ve never had a subscription to Spin, but I’ve read my fair share of them over the years and at the most I’ve ever learned is that Kurt Cobain was actually a righty even though he played guitar lefty. As interesting as that is, it really pales in comparison to finding out that someone you helped create into existence is having sex with different people you previously thought they were having sex with.

Anyway, Carrie actually says she is bi-sexual, which is cool because that means… I still have a shot. AM I RIGHT?!

I’ve never met Ms. Brownstein, but she seems like a catch. Superficially, she’s quite attractive. Unsuperficially, she’s a great musician, funny, creative, successful, college graduate, self-motivated, goal oriented, well-dressed, cool friends, supportive family and every Wednesday morning she eats two eggs over easy and a piece of dry toast while reading her emails, but if it is raining out or snowing she’ll take her breakfast to eat by the window and watch the weather play in freshness of a new day… or so I’ve been told?

She’s from Sleater-Kinner! She’s funny! Portlandia is on Netflix and new episodes are on IFC!

On a related note…

That is a Northern Lights Suplex and it doesn’t have anything to do with Carrie Brownstein. I lied. Sue me.

Either way, I wanted to talk about how angry professional wrestlers are.

No one is as fierce of a competitor or as angry of a human being than a professional wrestler. I know it’s fake, but I mean in the context of the show itself if it were real.

Have you ever been in a fight? If you have – good. If you haven’t – pussy! What are you a yellow bellied chicken?! Anyway, just imagine you have been in a fight for the purpose of the following rant.

So you’re in a fight. You’re standing across a ring from a person who wants to beat you into submission or into unconsciousness so much so that you can not move either shoulder off the ground for 3 seconds. If you think about it, that’s fucked up. That’s pretty much an inch from death. Beaten so badly that you are laying flat on your back and cannot even move a shoulder for three seconds. That’s pretty fucking horrible.

A professional wrestler can just kick you in the stomach and keep kicking you in the stomach or the chest or the face until you’re out. But no! Pro-wrestlers are filled with such anger that kicking you or punching you is simply not enough. They actually are taking their time to grab a hold of you and then with all the muscle and athleticism in their body going to lift you up and slam you to the ground in the most violent and creative ways possible. Like look at the Northern Lights Suplex. That’s one of a 1000 suplexes! Could you imagine being so fucking angry at someone that you legitimately will stop punching them in the face or kicking them in the chest, so that you can grab a hold of them by the waist and then you will explode upward and backward and flip them over your own height and drive them into the ground below and you’re upside down now?! That’s fucking crazy!

Or what about…

A flying hurricanrana off the top rope.

Imagine how much you would have to hate this person you are fighting to reach a level of violence where you pick up the other person and put them on the top rope of the ring. Guys do superplexes aka a suplex off the top rope all the time and intentionally put guys up there so that they can perform a suplex (as ridiculous as they are) now on an even higher height to do that much more damage. I guess if you were in a fight at work, you would be so pissed that during the fight you would actually drag the person up onto your desk as well as yourself, so that you could then throw them off of it and drive them into the ground with the added force of gravity and falling from a height because that’s how much damage you have to do to this person at this point in the fight.

That’s just the superplex or something of that nature. Imagine once you’re up on your desk or on top of a table in a restaurant with your battered adversary, and you’re not satisfied with simply throwing them off that object to the Earth below. You are so riled up you have to jump up and catch the person’s neck with your own thighs and then perform a backflip and using your swinging momentum catapult them off of that table/desk/turnbuckle. That’s unbelievable! You are so pissed you are willing to do an acrobatic maneuver and potentially risk your own life in the process – that’s how angry you are.

It doesn’t even have to be that elaborate…

Just a good old fashion running leg drop or in this case an “Atomic Leg Drop” because Hulk Hogan is the greatest leg dropper in the history of leg droppers. Could you imagine knocking someone down in a fight whether it is with a punch to the face, a smack from a steel chair (Imagine beating someone with a steel chair? … Actually, I can imagine that.), or in this case kicking the person in the face with the sole of your boot… and you’re so fucking jazzed up like “No! Godfather Part II is not better than Godfather Part I!!!!!” that you knock them down and then you take a step or two back to give yourself some room to get a bit of a running start to then jump up and propel yourself to your greatest height to only come down crashing on their head and neck with the weight of your extended leg? That’s AMAZING! Truly awe-inspiring.

I mean all of the moves are like that. Imagine just being so pissed you take someone you are fighting and you throw them into the ropes as hard as you can so that their own momentum carries them into and then off of the ropes meanwhile you’re waiting for them with an outstretched arm to clothesline them across the face and neck region. Unbelievable. That’s like “I caught you keying my car and I was served divorce papers on the SAME FUCKING DAY” type of angry.

I love it.

Lastly…

You want to know something that is great about dogs? If you take a dog some where and it smells like pee or poop then they will deduce that they should pee and poop there. That’s brilliant. Humans wouldn’t necessarily do that. If you took a person into a house and there was nothing in the house, but one room stunk of urine and feces – our first reaction would not be “oh, this is the bathroom”. Our first reaction would be to leave said room forever and never go back or do I have to clean up that room? I guess that’s also a good thing that we don’t do that because it would probably cause some terrible problems in our advanced civilization.

Hey, Ted, what’s up?

Uhh… not much, Gary. Is it just me or does it smell like shit in here?

Yeah, Ted. It smells like shit. It also smells like someone soaked this room in piss. Not even just one living thing’s piss, but multiple owners’ pisses. Numerous piss smells.

That’s what I thought. Someone really is going to have to do somethi… Gary?! What are you doing?! Are you peeing on the wall?

Well, I had to go and it’s not like anyone is going to notice. Stop being such a prude, Ted.

2 Responses to “If This Is The Last Year In Existence Then Business Better Pick Up”

Except if it’s raining in the said place that smells like pee or poop. Then, in my experience, the dogs will deduce that they most definately DO NOT have to pee or poop there, but rather that they should do it somewhere else. Like inside. Where it’s warm and dry. Say, on the carpet…..