Sleepless in Osaka

Being a new father has taught me a lot about myself, and the world. And most importantly, babies. Most of us already know that babies are new, precious, fragile lifeforms. They have to be clothed and fed and bathed and all that. They also taste delicious with a nice guacamole-based salsa.

But perhaps the most important thing I’ve learned about babies is that they’re fundamentally stupid.

Okay, maybe that’s not the best way to put it. Forgive me for my sins. But it’s true! Why did I come to this staggering conclusion? I’d say more than why, the when is more important. The other day, around 3AM, as I’m trying to put my daughter to sleep.

Usually, putting baby to bed is not my job. I have to catch the train at 7AM to go to work Mon through Fri, so I get the free pass. And if she cries during the night, I have no idea. I’ve always been a heavy sleeper. I slept through the ’94 LA earthquake. I’ve slept through dorm fire alarms. If you’ve ever lived in the dorms, you know that these are loud enough to wake up dinosaurs. If the zombie apocalypse happened overnight, I’m pretty sure I would sleep through it. Even if I had an army of zombies gently chewing on my legs.

But this particular day was a Friday, so I couldn’t use the work excuse to retreat to bed early. Also, I was trying to be more helpful in a vain attempt to get laid more and end the dry spell be a good husband and father. I noticed my wife 3/4ths asleep as she tried to rock the baby to sleep. “Here, I’ll take over” I valiantly offer, and my wife hands me the football, says thanks, and passes out in bed. Like, I think she fell asleep during the half-second she was in the air before she hit the sheets. So, I was going to be on my own here. But really, how hard could it be right?

Heh. That’s all the parents with experience who are reading this, laughing at me now. You have no idea, amateur.

She already looked sleepy. She was yawning and her eyes were half-closed. My wife had suggested to rock her to sleep, but I was feeling tired so I decided to sit down. Apparently, this was completely unacceptable, as baby opened her eyes and stared at me for 4 seconds before starting to cry. …What? Daddy is not allowed to sit down? Okay, sure. Stand and rock. Let’s roll, baby. My wife brings up my history of ballroom dancing – surely that would be a good way to put baby to sleep right? So I do a mini-waltz in the confined space of our apartment, and sure enough baby gets sleepy again. She actually goes to sleep! Nice! Now just put her down and enjoy a nice relaxing evening with my wife…

Oh, but wait! Just kinda glossed over that “put her down” part there didn’t I? You see, babies sleep fairly lightly. You know how, in the Princess and the Pea, the princess can’t get a good night of sleep because there’s a pea stuffed under like 10 mattresses or something like that? If the princess had been a baby, I’m convinced she would have felt the pea on the other side of the continent. Or maybe just a particularly biting solar wind that just happened to pass through our galaxy. Or hey, maybe God sneezed. Either way, baby’s waking up.

So I try to put her in her crib. But because my hands aren’t made of feathers, and I’m not resting her on a bed made of Scarlett Johansson’s soft fluffy tits, she wakes up. Her eyes open slowly as she looks around, and while she can’t talk yet the facial expressions are easy enough to understand. “Hold on, what’s this…is this…is this the crib? No! No motherfucker, no! Oh, if you thought I could cry before…wait’ll you get a load of me now!”

Basically, baby is crying because she is sleepy. She was asleep, but because she woke up due to a random shift in the Earth’s gravitational pull, she is now crying herself awake. Brilliant. Once a parent fails the put-down stage, he has to go all the way back to “coerce baby to sleep” stage. Like getting to the final castle in World 8, dying, and then having Bowser drop you off right back at World 1-1. This is why I call babies stupid – sleeping is the most basic of human functions, right? We sleep even when we don’t want to! And babies can’t even get that right!

It definitely gives me an appreciation for just how dependent babies are on adults for their everyday needs. It’s amazing that these small, helpless little creatures eventually grow up to become fully-functioning human beings. …For the most part.

After two more passes at trying to get baby to sleep in the bed, my wife takes pity on me (she was able to sleep for 2 hours while I struggled with the Baby Sleep final level), puts her to sleep and manages to get her in the crib as well. I think she did this within 30 minutes, but by this point it was 3:30AM and neither of us knew our own names at this point.

All I know is, if I ever get assigned to sleep duty again, I’m gonna turn on Japanese TV and sit baby in front of the tube. If that doesn’t put her to sleep then I don’t know what will.

Heh, don’t feel too bad – you’re not alone. My bundle of joy is not quite three weeks yet and I had a c-section which makes everything twenty times harder for me. He’s totally worth it though, even if I have no idea what I’m doing. Waking up every two to three hours to breastfeed is crazy – and then I get to play the baby sleep game over and over… and over… Heh, I’ve just accepted that for the next couple of years, I’ll closely resemble a raccoon. …And then I want to have another one…

Regardless of how many different stories I hear about “Man vs Baby” it seems to always be the same. You think someone would make a guide book, or at least a wikipedia article, about how to coax a baby to sleep.

Haha, I remember those nights. I had to pace up & down the passage at home gently rocking away, prolly about 30 mins worth before he’d finally go off. Of course, I have the grace, dexterity & soft touch of an Uruk-hai, so he didn’t appreciate the unceremonious dumping back into the crib…..so start again.

Grace of an Uruk-Hai? Dang man lol. But yes, while I have no kids (Way to young, I’d be a teenage mom XD) I have baby sat the little monsters before with a friend. I kid you not when we put her little sister to sleep after about an hours worth of time she exhaled a little too loudly and suddenly she was looking up at us with the devil in her eyes. She started to shriek like killed Santa by beating him to death with Barney in front of her. We weren’t able to get her to sleep again. That was a miserable day so kudos to you parents.

i’m not there yet,.. hope when i do, i get my mom to help,..
what i think is amazing, are baby’s ‘grab” reflex… you put a finger in their palm and they’ll grab,.. even if you put your finger on their soles, they’ll try to grab with their toes…

Hoo boy have I been there done that! You’ll find that after a certain amount of time it can help to just put them down and leave the room. I know if sounds cruel but if you pick her up every time she cries she’ll end up crying to get her own way. I’m not one of those “leave the young’un to fend for itself!” fathers, but still…

I guess he never will. Live goes on and Az is now a dad and gets into this more and more. You think of your kid almost all the time. Been there, done that. Some things you did before, now seem just unimportant.
Look for another blog ;-) if you want to read about stuff without babies.

Oh man do I relate to this. And it’s worse than being back in World 1-1, because now your baby is more tired and angry than she was before she fell asleep the first time.

I’d recommend getting a rocking chair, if you can. That way you can rock the baby and sit at the same time. The main hazard is that you’ll have a tendency to rock YOURSELF to sleep before the baby goes out. Protip: Don’t drop the baby.

I check your site maybe once every 2 months and every time I do there’s a new post. Are we linked psychically or something, Az? Congrats on your new baby man. I remember reading your blog posts way back when; this whole site is kind of nostalgic to me. Just wait until your daughter starts talking, the cuteness factor will go up 100%.

it takes practice to do the “lay baby down maneuver”.. try bending yourself as close as possible to lay her down, lay her down with your arms under her and sloooooowly pulling your arms free.. thats how we had to do my little one. :) Glad to see you’re adjusting to daddyhood well!

Ah yes I remember it well. We described it as the age of bone-crushing exhaustion. Don’t worry it will all change in a few months. Note that I said “change” not “get better.”
Our pro tip; running water. Or the vacuum cleaner. Oddly, anything but quiet. The baby still remembers the comfort of the womb, which is surprisingly LOUD. Constant white noise while you rock her. I would sit in front of the bathroom sink for 10 minutes, then sleep on the cold tile holding my child wrapped in a blanket. Hey, sleep is sleep!

You can also try holding her so that her ear is next to your heartbeat. This might allow you to lie down with her on top of your chest. Be sure not to fall asleep and roll over on her!
And the “dry spell” will end when your wife isn’t so damn exhausted. Take it from me (who had a kid who didn’t sleep through the night until she was 14 1/2 mos. old), sleep deprivation IS considered a torture in civilized countries!

I am so happy someone else gets the whole “Babies are intelligently stupid!” thing. I have been ranting and raving about this for years, about how I just can not understand how so many other creatures on this planet give birth to offspring that are READY. TO. GO. out of the womb and we have these.. little slugs that don’t know how to do anything (not even poop. Srsly. It’s not suppose to be… some sort.. of cheese curdle consistancy).

Obviously I am not a parent. You can all rest assured I have no plans to become one.

I can’t say I feel your pain, I have no children. My parents apparently used to drive me around to get me to sleep. Apparently this worked very well. However, I don’t think you have a car. I think there is something online that is supposed to soothe a baby back to sleep without you having to get up (plays soothing sounds and lights)

Ever since my sister had a baby and we started babysitting her, I’ve wondered this:
Why do babies cry when they’re tired? Why don’t they just got to sleep? It’s so incredibly illogical. Now, I’m not expecting babies to be logical, but it just doesn’t make sense.

Yeah, like some people above said, you’ll get laid when your wife isn’t so tired. My recommendation? Take over baby care completely (no cop outs) for at least one day per week, even get your wife to pump or just use formula, so she can sleep for awhile. It will earn you many many bonus points.

Any kind of soft continuous noise that drowns out in the background tends to put babies to sleep (I speak from childhood recollection, not because I actually have any experience). I guess you could try the following:

1) Play some classical music on low volume.
2) Sing a lullaby or hum while putting your baby to sleep.
3) Take your baby out on a drive around the neighborhood for about half an hour.
4) Record the sounds of a vacuum cleaner or the low rumbling noise from a drying machine and play it on loop.

Couple of tips from a dad who decided to let my better half sleep while tanking out the nights and trying to get a sleepy baby back to sleep.

Get a rocking chair or something you can rock your little one to sleep in. The old image of a small rocking crib you can rock with your foot is iconic in the West for a reason, it WORKS. Rocking chairs can cut it in a pinch (but I don’t know what costs are over there.) but I do bear in mind that space is at a premium in Japan so I don’t know if you’ll be able to make it happen. It’s worth it for your peace of mind, and like I said, if you can’t do that, get a small porta-crib you can rock her to sleep in.

Second, and this is one I’m glad I learned before my daughter was born is how to bundle a baby. Bundling reminds a baby of being in the womb, snug and warm, and I’ve used it as the ULTIMATE TRUMP CARD when my daughter was being fussy, five minutes bundled would usually calm down my daughter in no time, especially if I’m holding her. If it didn’t, then it was something else (colic, for example) and I’d just figure out what it was and deal with that, then bundle her back up.

Another tactic I had was to set up a list of things as sort of a protocol of ‘what can I do to stop the crying’ because it’s not so magical as Hollywood portrays the relationship between parent and child, it usually involves a lot of guesswork on our part trying to figure out what’s bugging the little one, so it’s not just one option at hand if you’re looking at your fussy daughter going ‘wtf do I do now?’

Babies are sexist! I was on vacation with some friends who have a 4-month-old, and the dad could only keep him happy by walking/slow-dancing. Mom, she could get away with sitting most of the time. That said, one thing they both noted was that after a good, solid crying session, he’d sort of pass out, just from the exertion of it or something. BTW, always happy to read your posts, whether they’re about ‘the octopus’, kancho, or babies.

I’m so glad I never used a crib. Kinda surprised you do. After all, it was because my godfather was Okinawan and my step-father was Japanese that I was never in one myself. I nursed the babes to sleep, fell asleep and honestly, I’ve slept better since I had kids than I did before. My body learned how to sleep more efficiently somehow. Never wasted time rocking (after all, babies are almost always hungry and it’s hard as hell to sleep when you’re hungry) or having to leave the room. I think my husband’s had to help at night less times than I have fingers and that’s two kids in. I was immensely grateful for the help on those nights and they were basically all in the first eight weeks before I learned to cosleep for real instead of the dumb bassinet-by-the-bed thing that my cesarean left me stuck with until I could move on my own.

Oh, and a hint–babies hit deep sleep about 10 minutes after they fall asleep. Try the Happiest Baby On The Block for ways to get baby to sleep if you aren’t able to use the magical power of boobies to do it ;) It works like a freaking charm.

sorry to hear about the dry spell. that, coupled with the nightly wakeup calls, must be rough. you can try getting one of those baby hammocks. my baby cousin used to be the exact same, wailing like nobody’s business if someone wasn’t carrying him. he liked the feeling of being weightless, i think.

hi, Az, I have been a long time reader of your blog (also I never commented) from Australia. I love your entertaining , yet honest, commentary on Japanese culture and life in general.

I created a fan page on Facebook dedicated to you (your blog). It would be awesome if you could join (or for that matter any fan of Az).

I took the liberty of using a photo that feature you and “Watson” as the fan page title photo, I hope you don’t mind. Figure that photo was posted on your blog publically, should be ok? If not, plesae let me know and I will take it down.

Hello Az. I don’t have kids myself, but I’m the oldest of 4 an my mom used the same method on all of us to get us to sleep.
She’d rock us to sleep in a room lit by the light of an aquarium. She’d also play a Tropical Rain CD (cassette for me). Like everyone else I recommend a rocking chair.

Definitely swaddle her and get some white noise going, it’s like the womb. Also, don’t rock her too much or else she’ll get used to only falling asleep when she’s rocked. Once you stop, then you’re back to cry-town.

I started reading your blog when I was a freshmen in highschool and you were still a school teacher. Now Im about to graduate college and you’ve had your first kid. Time sure does fly! :D Congrats on your baby, and I wish sleep-filled peaceful baby nights ahead of you (as futile as that may be).

Good to see you back to writing Az! Started following you about 6 years ago…this blog has dfinitely changed focus, huh? Somehow I STILL havent made it to Japan, but one of these days, its going to happen, damn it! Good luck with the new family and Ill be looking out for your updates.

One of the tricks to putting the kid to sleep in a crib is to NOT HESITATE in your movements. That is what the baby feels, the hesitation. Remember, there was a lot of movement in the womb. Lots of steady rocking and other movements. Put the kid in the crib in one swift movement and then WALK AWAY. If she cries, let her for a couple minutes and typically they learn to go back to sleep on their own. If not, repeat as necessary. Don’t worry, every parent gets the hang of it. :D

Long-time lurker – originally discovered you between vacations to Japan. I just found you again, after seeing whatever Gaijin Smash turned into (I don’t read German). I hope all those old entries aren’t lost? Anyway, just dropping by to say I’m glad I re-found you and CONGRATULATIONS on the new baby! Looking forward to read more of your stories as time goes on.

Az, don’t know if you will get to this in time but i hope everything is alright. i wish you and your family and everyone you know and hold dear are safe and did not get too affected by the tsunami. Hopefully i pray to god you guys survived the quake. best wishes and all my support,

Are you ok? I just watched the news about the earthquake and tsunami. I hope you and your family are alright and alive. I’m praying for you guys right now and PLEASE update so we know you’re well and alive.

Here, here, Az. I hope you and all of your family there are safe today! They’re not really mentioning where all this has affected besides Tokyo on the news here, but I’m assuming the damage is more widespread than they say.

Osaka is pretty far away from the eastern seaboard so there shouldn’t be too much need to worry about a tsunami but the quake would still have been scary. I agree with the others though. We all hope you’re doing alright.

Azrael! This has nothing to do with your article; I became concerned when I saw the news this morning! Are you all ok? Post quickly, please! I have no idea how close you are to (or if you are in) the area that has been devastated by the earthquake and tsunami. Please update ASAP!

I really hope they’re okay. I know he’s been too busy with job and the new baby to post a lot recently, but Az and his wife and baby were still the first ones I thought of when I heard about this awful earthquake. I really hope Az will have a chance to let us know that they’re all safe and sound. :(

Az, Az’s MILF, Az’s baby Anna, I hope you and your family and friends are all right..please give us a sign! You will be in my prayers tonight, as all other people affected by this disastrous catastrophe and the people of Japan.
I hope ya’ll are alright!!