How Confusion Improves Your Emotional Intelligence.

First thought: The hypnotists use a confusion technique to put you under their spell. Milton Erickson, a great hypnotist and therapist, noted that few things get our attention easier than confusion. How? Confusion is generally dangerous and we all want to be safe. So when someone who usually makes sense says something a bit confusing we pay much closer attention to what he or she says. We focus more strongly and strong focus puts us in a trance state.

Second thought: Cognitive theorist Jerome Kagan, leading authority on confusion, notes that infants in their first efforts to understand the world accept what is as normal and what should be. Doing so makes their world less confusing.

Kagan then makes the point that we like change, but only small changes. Changes that shake our world view shake us in painful ways. Kagan says when that happens we cope with anger, fear, or despair. Anger if we can blame someone else; fear if we can run away by denying what shakes our world view; and finally, despair when we blame ourselves and cannot right the wrongs we think we have done.

As a foster parent, I saw how too much change drove some of our foster children to act out. Living with new parents meant living with change. Most threatened were the foster children in our care who had been seriously abused. More than having to cope with a new environment, living with parents who didn’t abuse was the scariest change for these foster children. Why? Living with us created uncertainty about their parents’ love.

John, one of our foster children pleaded with us to,”Just hit us hard, you are nicer than our parents and that hurts.”

The physical pain was more bearable than the thought that parents were not supposed to be abusive. That also explains why some of our foster children purposely behaved badly. It provided them with a rationale for their parent’s neglect or abuse. John’s insight into the problem, did not keep him from angry acting out.

Complicated? You bet. Instead of fearing confusion, remember it is just a signal to think harder and more deeply. That is more easily done if you have strong self-soothing skills. So think of buying my e-book Self Soothing Create Calm in Your Life . Better than a latte and costs less.