Life Is Fraught
With Peril

Please bear with me. This is the first fan fic I've ever written, and it's not really very fannish. Any and all comments welcome, especially with my
rather pathetic attempts at Spanish, since all I know are really dirty words
and they aren't appropriate.*covers her ears*

She was walking slowly down the street, hampered by her short, heavy legs.
Her tennis shoes reflected a multitude of colors that, although still visible
to the human eye, lit her up like a Christmas tree to his immortal senses. He
could smell her heart, beating fast from the exertion of walking too quickly,
and he could smell her blood, almost covered by her shampoo, her deodorant, her
body wash. . .all of the things mortals used to cover
up the stink of their own existence.

A street lamp hit her
hair just so, and it was like a volcano suddenly flared up in front of him. Thank
you Lady Clairol, he thought with a cruel smirk as he thought how easy it would
be to take her. The red glints faded as
darkness engulfed her again, although with his vampire eyes she may well have
been standing still in a flood light. On its current whim, society would dub
her "overweight", and nutritionists would probably call her
"obese" and make her eat spinach all day. Of course, in his mortal
days, she would have been called a beauty, and would have posed in front of the
greats. They would have sketched her soft
curves lovingly, caressed her heavy white breasts and hips with their gaze,
comparing her to Venus. Now they would have to air brush out about 18 inches to
even find her passable.

Vachon smiled to himself, remembering. In those
days, men could dominate women simply by the fact they were granted a penis at
birth. Now that women were claiming to actually be human, men had to control
them in other ways. Forcing them to vomit after every meal, or pray for the
insanely high metabolisms that were cursed in his day, was the closest they
could get to actually controlling a situation. But this one had a normal
metabolism, and no self control which with to eat only lettuce, and no desire
to vomit whenever she did eat something considered a snack by most men.

So, she would be easy to take. She probably hadn't been adored by a man in
years, if ever. And, she was going to one of those fancy colleges that charged
more than kings saw in his day, so she was probably considered a nerd as well
as chubby. Mortals and their slang, he liked it almost as much as their blood.

She was mumbling something to herself in a seductively deep voice, and
smiling as she walked. Probably amused by a remark she'd heard some handsome
man make to his pretty lady. Probably putting herself in the lovely's shoes,
since, despite what women today said, he knew things hadn't changed that much
since he'd been brought over, and all women wanted to be beautiful. They
all wanted to be worshipped as sex goddesses no matter how "educated"
they were. How else would he keep finding victims. . .er, lovers?

Her pace started to slow, and she was eyeing street signs, so he figured she
was close to her destination. He would have to make his move.
. .now.

"Hello, lovely."

"Christ." was all he got for a response. What the fuck?

"Sorry, he's out for the day, may I take a message?"

She just kept walking. No, really, what the fuck??? He was almost, but not
quite, at a loss for words.

She stopped dead in her tracks. Blue eyes met brown, and he felt a jolt. Dios her eyes were gorgeous.

"Look, I am not an extra with huge, miracle-bra tits in Zorro. Nor are
you Antonio Banderas. Even if you were, that's not
the point. Don't start speaking to me in Spanish, and expect me to cum all over
the spot. I've already heard it all. From 'Hey baby, come check out the Puerto
Rican Pipeline', to 'Baby, I'll patrol your border anyday'.
I've known nobility from Spain
to chettos from the ghettos, and the ones I liked
didn't hold my interest just because they could insult me with pet names in
prettier languages than English. Thanks, please drive through."

With this, she kept walking.

He kept standing, stunned.

Suddenly she stopped, and turned. "Oh, and by the way. You're really
good looking. Stop acting like a frat rat and actually talk to a woman's face,
and maybe you'll get somewhere next time. And just because you're a vampire,
not all women will trade in their lives for one hot orgasm. That's
why God created batteries."

How the fuck did she know all of this????

Somehow they'd drifted almost to the door of the apartment complex which was
obviously her destination.

She turned and smiled at him, a smile bright with humor
and intelligence, and offered him his hand. He kissed it out of instinct, still
too confused to even begin to know what had just happened. Once more that deep,
sexy voice growled at him.