Friday, September 26, 2008

gonna work it on out

The great thing about cancer is that the pharmacists know it's tough-times u.s.a for you, and subsequently send you home with enough painkillers and anti-anxiety/depressants that even wall street would be jealous. Suffice to say it keeps one adequately hammered.

The thing is, 95% of the time I'm sad and self-medicating these days isn't the fact that I have cancer... it's the same shit that's always made me a sad pathetic mess.

People who disappoint you before Cancer will still disappoint you after you have Cancer.The things that hurt you before Cancer will still hurt you after Cancer.

The friends that listen to you bitch about your boy troubles will stick around to listen to you bitch about chemo farts, but you'd be kidding yourself if you think relationships will change and people will magically love you once you get some weird fatal disease. I know you've fantasized about it. Don't lie.

3 comments:

one thing i never understood was people who would purposefully claim "sickness" as means to get attention or whatever strange form of attentiveness they needed from other people. or people who assume they have some great understanding of the human condition because they educate themselves about a disease. i remember watching my mom give my grandma injections of morphine and then wanting to kill the girl who sat next to me in my literature class talk about how the biography of a breast cancer survivor was dramatized because nothing could ever be that bad. worst part was, it was worse.

kaylin. you rule. & i love listening to anyone (sick, well, farty, fuzzy, old, ugly, sexy, what have you) bitch about boy problems. and yes, i have fantasized about sick-love. unfortunately, people are often cowards, especially when you need them to be the most brave. but i love you and think about you all the time and send you as much positive energy as my jaded, bitchy soul can summon.

and fyi everyone self-medicates, one way or another. everyone. whether it be through exercise or marijuana or clonepin. i like all three. except for exercise.

Cancer changed alot. I got the brunt of the cruelty. Lost a lot of friends...had some even say "Don't talk to her, she'll be dead in a year." It was a rude awakening to reality and people. You really know you your true friends are after going through something like this. It's a renewal, a new insight...sometimes a blessing in disguise to a fresh start. Surround yourself with those who DO love and support you...cus the ones who stick by you all the way, are there for life. :)

Cancer though...makes you STRONGER. That is something you might not have as been before. You're going to walk away from thic Chica an even more amazing person.

I am an artist and writer diagnosed with a rare form of bone cancer called Ewing's Sarcoma. This is an attempt to document my process and provide inspiration for other twenty-somethings who refuse to go the way of headscarves and hospital gowns. I mean, really? Cancer is fucking hilarious.