Saturday, July 30, 2011

so a couple of weeks ago, I read THIS. and it got me thinking. I struggle with looking at myself too closely because I really worry that the truth I find there will be as black and dark as I suspect. I hate most...okay, ALL...pictures of myself and I really have some serious self-esteme issues. I don't see myself clearly. I am self-depreciating. that said, I am evolving. changing into someone who appreciates myself. and in learning to forgive myself, I am learning to love. I don't hate all pictures any more. I am good at many, many things. I am passionate. predictable. unpredictable. unique and ordinary all at the same time. I am opinionated, yet swayed by a good argument. I am an early adapter. I love, love, love three brand names - mac, starbucks and paul frank, yet I don't understand people who advertise for free. I am a complete walking contradiction. and that's okay with me. for today.

so I made a video to represent my self-portrait. lots of pictures of me {I fight saying "ewwww"}, but I am beginning to like what I see. I fought to not include pictures of my family, especially the kids. it's so easy for me to deflect. but I included my creative passions - teaching, playing piano, media stuff at church, making things with paper, writing and inadvertently photography. and I included just images of things I love. coffee. my desk at school. reading. my computer. tulips. chocolate covered cherries. walking.

and then there was the music. I chose three songs with great intention. the first is "wade in the water". it's an old southern/black gospel hymn that just has the potential to morph and move into wonderful things. this rendition I recorded at the end of church one sunday. I was on keys and I hit play on my iPhone record button and the band just played. it's not a great recording, but I love it. then the second song is "one day" by matisyauh. there is something about the lyrics in this song that I love. it's a feel good thing that goes beyond a well crafted song. look it up some time. better yet, look up the video. it's darn good. then the last song is "come thou fount" by sufjan stevens. I first heard this rendition during an episode of friday night lights {season 4, by the way!!} and I fell in love with it. I love that show, and it's my favourite hymn.

so we're going to see if I can embed this. {and yes, I am editing to fix the quality!!}

I found that doing this was hard. I had to look closely at myself. I had to really reflect. but I think I learned a few things. taking pictures of myself {and then looking at them} is less foreign. I have always been very cognisant of my creative skills and talents, but I saw myself in a bit of a new way. as a finisher. an athlete. strong. independent. able to think in different {but good!} ways. now I just need to embrace this new/old me. she's always been there, just a bit scared to come out.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

why, oh why, is areosmith stuck in my head. like songs from high school? well, I had my first "back-to-school" nightmare/dream this morning. I HATE THOSE! and they involved teaching music {which I have to do in the fall for the first time EVAH!}. and I have learned that the way to combat the dreams is to plan. plan. plan. so I woke up this morning planning a music curriculum for grades that I think I'm teaching! and it involves a combination of reading music, rhythm and music appreciation. and it's the music appreciation that I'm excited about. starting with our current decade and working back...and introducing kids to madonna, kurt cobain, the beatles, mick jagger and the rolling stones and why steven tyler was on american idol. this could be fun! plus, I teach jr high drama, so I think I'm going to roll together a bit of a fine arts program that will not be so scary for me! 'cause if I'm having school dreams on july 27th, I'm a bit freaked out!

so I started this post at 6am, and here, at 11pm I am finally finishing it up {so there is absolutely NO flow with this at all!!}. drove to kelowna and back today - dropped my mom off at the airport and picked john up. the boys were so happy to see him! and then we drove back {okay, I drove and john slept!} and then spent like 5 or 6 hours at the pool! friends of ours are here with their kids until friday, so I suspect that it's going to be go, go, go for the next few days, heading into the august long weekend.

that all said, I have had some time to get my brain rolling in these last few days. I have the start of a plan. okay, more like a goal. and it's starting to come from a place where I am thinking and cultivating my self-portrait. long story. needs it's own post. and a link. and some time to explain. regardless, there is lots simmering in my little old head and I can't wait to have it sort itself into some kind of coherent thought that I can share with you. in the next few days, I promise!

but for now, some lovely holiday pics {nate's been camera shy lately, so lots of ty!}:

Sunday, July 24, 2011

so I was suppose to do a sexyback11 update on thursday, but I was a tad busy! I did weigh in though, and I was down the two that I was up last week {or was that the week before???} needless to say, I am back on track. I didn't walk enough last week, mainly due to vacation prep, bad weather and deck building. I know, excuses. I hear ya. needless to say, after 13+ hours in the car on friday with two small boys and my mom, I have been sleep walking for the last few days! I am having a hard time catching up on my sleep. that said, I did make it to the workout room this morning and I walked for 40 minutes; then I hopped in the pool with the boys and swam for 20 minutes or so. tomorrow we have a 18k walk. HOLY SHNIKERS!! so today we plotted out a flat 6k route along the lake that we'll head out and do tomorrow morning while the boys are in helicopter camp.

it's been hot here in southern bc and I am loving the heat and the wineries - we scoped an amazing bottle of rose/red {the sunset} at silver sage yesterday. PHENOMENAL! john flies in on wednesday...I can't wait! {and then I'll have some time to blog and post some pictures!}
xoxo

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

so I want to preface this a bit. I've been going back and re-reading my posts and like I said, these stories were not to be "on-the-edge-of-your-seat" page turners, but I'm hoping that they tell the story of what I learned. because I needed the reminder that when you stop and listen, you learn about the character of others or just an insight into their lives. that fascinates me. the people who live on our planet all have a story to tell. it's sometimes about just being there to listen and observe through the obvious. this is what I learned. and I hope that some of it is coming through.

for me, talking to strangers, is kinda about conquering my biggest social fears. I am good with meeting people when I'm introduced and I'm good with introducing myself to people who have some sort of connection to myself - parents of students, other teachers sitting at my table during a pd session, new neighbours. but I don't talk to strangers on the bus. I don't talk to people on airplanes. I don't make small talk with people in line. I don't talk to strangers. this is changing. I am trying to push myself out of my comfort zone.

all that said, on my last day in vegas, I had great plans to hid out in denny's, then go see a movie. I had negotiated a later checkout and had about six hours to kill before my shuttle was taking me to the airport. so on my way to denny's, I wandered around all the stores in ph {'cause there's ac!} and did a bit of shopping {found a GREAT dragonfly tank top in a tattoo store!}. and then I scouted out the movie theatre so I'd know where I was going after I fed myself. but next to denny's is hard rock cafe. and I had won at the slots the night before, so I could afford to go a bit pricer than denny's so up I went! they stopped me at the door to take my picture for some 40th anniversary thing {ha!} with a stringless guitar.

so the kindle and I sat down at the bar. and then I met hugo, the bartender. and because the place was empty, we sat and chatted for a long time. I learned that he makes a good margarita. and that he was teaching computer stuff in a university in mexico at the age of 22. I learned that he moved to chicago and worked for apple. and I got tips on how to buy good tequila. and I learned that when the recession hit, apple asked him to take a pay cut that wasn't going to even pay the bills. and that now, working two jobs in vegas, he's happier and making as much money as he was when he was working for apple. I learned that two margaritas at 2pm is an okay thing when you're on vacation. and I learned that it's okay to talk to strangers and not read my book. because the things people want to talk about are sometimes more important. and that spending 90 some odd minutes in a restaurant can make a difference in how I see the world. I will go back to hard rock cafe the next time I am in vegas, because the food and people were just that memorable. all that and hangover 2 wasn't as good as the first movie was!!

Monday, July 18, 2011

it's hard to believe I've been home for a week, not that this past week was bad or anything, just busy. deck building, fence issues, nate's birthday party {he turns 8 on friday} and prepping for our family vacation that starts with 3/4 of the family on friday! the boys are home with me for the next few days. I have plans to kick them outside this afternoon!!

so, the last of my vegas stories. I met some incredible wait staff while I was on vacation and this is only because I was alone. I was talking to one of my friends about it this weekend and we were saying that when you're with someone, you really don't pay attention. I don't typically engage in conversations with bartenders and wait staff. and this is because I never eat alone. got me thinking. I know all the people who work at my starbucks. why's that? well, when I go into the store, I sit up at the counter and talk to them. okay, that and I'm a regular. they make my drink when I walk in the door. and yes, there's the whole element of service staff knowing that their tips are tied to good customer service, but when you come from the land of plenty {alberta!} and jobs are a dime a dozen in a lot of ways, general customer service goes out the window. so perhaps I'm easily impressed. that said, I was still impressed.

so on my birthday, I was in the shops at the forum {in caesars palace} and I happened upon a little restaurant. since I was hungry and in want of a nice meal, I went in. and trust me, the kindle was in my purse. took that thing everywhere! pj clarks is this little bistro-esque place with a bit of an italian feel - red checked table cloths, wait staff in long white aprons and bow ties. kinda felt a bit fancy, but not. {I know, my descriptive abilities are lacking!!} okay so it was lovely. I had some clam chowder, little fish tacos and a glass of malbec. and I chatted with the waiter, who couldn't quite figure out what I was doing there alone and the bar manager, who was from montreal. it's not like there was a big story here, but it was the start of these conversations. and the start of me being okay with being alone. and the start of me doing something new. listening.

so the next night I went to isla in treasure island. I had been there before, the first time I was in vegas. that was the night of the tequila tree with my boss and colleagues. the big joke is that I ordered a meal that I didn't remember. but the different flavours of tequila were wonderful! that said, two days before I left for vegas, a groupon showed up in my inbox for isla. I like deals, so I bought one! and when I got there, it was pretty quiet, so I sat up at the bar. and I chatted with the bartender. she asked me a lot of questions about being a teacher and what I see as the differences between the american and canadian school systems. she was telling me how when her kids were in school, she made sure that she was active in her kids schools. and how she sees now that young parents in vegas are working two + jobs and working jobs where they can't be present in their kids schooling. and then she poured me a wee shot of some lovely tequila. you know, the kind that doesn't need salt and lime. the good stuff. and this time I remember my meal - a lovely plate of chicken enchiladas! and the best part was the chilli chocolate lava cake and some sort of divine ice cream. the meal was incredible and the company was most excellent.

there is one more part to this three part story, but it's getting long {and late} so I'll write up the next one in a separate post!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

so I officially kicked ass in my 12k this morning. {okay, and note here that the two pounds I was complaining about yesterday were missing today. damn bloat.} first, I rolled out of bed at 6am and I hit the pavement at 630. I did two loops - an 8k loop, then a 4.5k, with a stop at home in the middle for a water and bathroom break. but perhaps the thing I was most proud of was the fact that on my own, I held a 10 minute kilometre. I SO want to finish this race in august with a time of 3:30. I really do. I feel stronger, fiercer and more on my game than I have ever before a race. next week is 18k. the boys and I will be in osoyoos with my mom, so she'll get my butt moving!

as far as the sugar thing went today? a tiny {for real tiny!} piece of cake at my grandma's for her birthday and a mid-afternoon mini-sized blizzard at DQ. not awful, not great. room for improvement. that said, I was more in control than I've been in a while. it feels good!

I do have a few more vegas stories, but my brain has been lost between grocery shopping, trip planning and birthday parties {nate turns 8 in less than a week!!}.

Friday, July 15, 2011

#1 - I was up 2 lbs. GRRRRR. okay, so maybe being up 2 lbs after being in vegas for 4 days isn't the end of the world, but it is to me!! for me, training is not conducive to weight loss. never has been. it's never been my optimal weight loss method. but my time, energy, pacing and all of the walking is really good this time around. I feel fitter, leaner and stronger, but I really wish that the numbers on the scale would match. super irritating. oh, but I should just own the fact that I had one or two margaritas on my trip and maybe some onion rings.

#2 - I have been walking. 6k on wednesday and 8k today. 12k tomorrow. I am actually looking at doing another half in december - in a warmer local. the winter training in edmonton is not pretty and not happy. so if I can train for september, october and november I'd be happy. fall in edmonton can be lovely. that's the plan, we'll see! let's make it through the training for the half coming in just over a month!

#3 - I totally can't remember what I was going to write about for #3! seriously. I'm sitting here and my mind just went blank. so I guess I am just going to leave it!

ETA: I REMEMBERED!!!
I feel icky. that reminded me. my belly is hating me right now, and has all week. so it's time. it's time to mean what I say and show that I can hit some pain. it's time for a commitment to two weeks of NO SUGAR! I would add alcohol to that, but I am going to bc to the okanagan next week and that's where they grow the stuff. I would be setting myself up for failure. but I've done the no sugar thing before and I can do it again. I have no excuses this week {or next}. included in this is me going low-carb. not no-carb, but low on the grains and pasta, high on the veg and fruit. when I did this a couple of months ago, I had a lot of success with limiting my carbs to "grains/pasta/rice" with dinner. tomorrow I am going to the farmer's market to stock up on good produce. I need to lose those two stubborn pounds FOR GOOD. {and then some more!}

I'm not a big fan of shows, but I love concerts. and I enjoy music and I especially good music. so I had decided ages ago to go to the gospel brunch at the house of blues in mandalay bay. I've never been in vegas long enough {or on the correct days!} to be able to go. seriously, it was amazing.

the music was incredible, with songs I knew and some that I've played {like "I go to the rock" from the preachers wife!}. and the food was amazing. southern food. fried chicken. biscuits and gravy. yummo!

but I think that the best part was how they seat everyone. it's random! no seriously. not that you can't sit with the people you come with, but like I was a single, so I got placed with a party of three. this way tables get filled up, I guess. so I sat with a lady and her son and her friend from phoenix. this lady {I'm going to call her china} has lived all over the world. she works for the state department and was just coming off a stint in china. her next stop was the netherlands. and when the music started, she was there with me, clapping and singing, and just having church. in vegas. oh, but her son? that boy had never experienced gospel like that. he couldn't even clap on the two and four. I think she was trying to school him. kinda funny. so the four of us shared a meal together, talked about weight watchers {'cause she was all over that}, and talked gospel music - the good stuff. donny mcclurkin, kirk franklin, hezekiah walker. and when the girl in the super sparkly dress sang an accappella rendition of amazing grace, we had a moment. the kind that gives you chills. it was a lovely way to spend a sunday morning in vegas. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

chicago and san francisco.
in new york, new york.
at the nine fine irishmen pub.
on saturday night.

I walk in, the band is playing. the same band that always plays {I love the predicability of the place!}. there is never a chair to be had - and only a few worth having! so I went up to the bar and somehow ended up with jamison on the rocks! I started talking to the guy next to me {he was from australia} and he was drinking baileys on ice. a MUCH nicer drink than my whiskey!! the man bought me a drink. now, does that really mean much? like did I owe him something after that? duds confuse me. he was a dud. and he just kept hoovering. so I escaped by chatting with the people on the other side of me. chicago and san francisco. I actually called him chicago all night because he was wearing a chicago blackhawks cap, and honestly, I can talk hockey with strangers. so he is standing and drinking with this girl {san fran for short} and they're dancing so I just join them to avoid the dud.

so san fran looks so familiar, but just like she has one of those faces. and I say that to her. not that I know her from somewhere, just that she looks like someone I know. a bunch more australians come in, I chit chat with a girl who says it's her cousins' birthday and I say it's my birthday so I meet the cousin and then introduce all the australians to each other {'cause the first one is still being a dud}. at this point the band takes a break. chicago asks me for a cigarette. I, of course, don't have one. five minutes later, he comes back with a pack of smokes and I left with him for a smoke {like what's it been? twenty years since I had smoked a cigarette. and I remember why I never like it. EWWWW!!!}. at this point, australia gets the point {I think}, which was really my point {holy redundancy, cor!}.

chicago and I start talking. he's wearing a wedding ring. married just over a year. in vegas for some engineering convention. no kids. and we talk about that. how I was pregnant when john and I got married, and if I could have a re-do, that's what I would change. that I would have liked to just been a couple, married, for a while. and we talk about marriage and kids over a smoke in the casino. but he's super drunk. we go back in and some nice lady gives me the "all clear/two thumbs up" on the dud being gone! the band plays some more, we all dance a ton - the german models show up to dance {and they look like 16 year old boys}, all the australians {except the dud, who finally got the point}, chicago, san fran and I. then san fran and I start talking. she buys me a drink because it was my birthday {and it's after midnight now, so really, my birthday is over!}.

side note: red bull and vodka may sound like a good idea, but really is evil on all levels. all the sugar and caffeine were WRONG. and maybe one would be okay, but two is BAD. it took me almost 24 hrs to shake off the effects of the sugar and caffeine!!

okay, so here's my "small world" story. san fran and I start talking. and we talk about chicago. how he's totally her kind of guy. but that he's married and she's not going to go there. but she's sad. and conflicted. and I really have nothing of value to say {the sugar and caffeine had kicked in - my mouth wasn't keeping up to the chaos in my brain}. so I just listen. then she says to me that I look really familiar too. and was I here, in this same pub, back in december. and then it all came back to me. we had met before. had a similar conversation. she was just about to go in for major knee surgery. we had danced to, and sang the same songs as we were that night. okay. think about it. HOW STRANGE IS THAT??? very strange. I don't know what it means, if anything, but we exchanged emails. she walked chicago back to his room. and came back down to the pub. and we danced and sang along with the band until the lights came on. and she gave me a hug and we went our separate ways. and I walked back to my hotel because I was getting the shakes from all the sugar!!

I don't believe in coincidences. and this one was too strange to be random. things that make you go "hmmmm".

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

detroit. don't know his real name, so like many of the other people I met, he's just going to be called by the city he's from. and keep in mind, it's not like I'm going deep here with a bunch of life lessons...just telling the stories!!

so on sunday night, I took my $40 and went to play the slot machines. and not just any slot machines, but the star wars penny slots! my friend leanne has schooled me well in the ways of the slot machine! so I sit down next to these lovely people and I start playing. and I lose my first $20. okay, but it's a surround sound machine. and it's old school star wars with han solo and chewy. so I put in another twenty. and then this bonus thing came up. and then this happened:

I KNOW!! who would have thought? so I cashed out and then played another $20, just 'cause at this time I was having fun!! and then I quit and walked away to get my cash. so at this point it was 1130pm and I was starving so I went and sat at the bar at johnny rockets and I sat next to a guy and we started chatting. he's from detroit. apparently cheers for the red wings and didn't have much to say about my oilers! {oh and I should mention that old mr. florida was sitting about four chairs over, totally listening to our conversation and butting in whenever possible!} and detroit is in vegas because his friend's daughter just turned 21.

so somehow we start talking about economics in the us and it leads to a conversation about race {not too sure how it segued!}. I was telling him how there is just, per capita, way less racial diversity in edmonton than in large american cities. I joked saying that three out of the ten black people in edmonton live in my house! so he tells me that he is biracial. that his mom is white and his dad is black. what can I say, my curiosity was peeked. I asked him some questions - not the usual questions you ask strangers - like did he go through some identity issues growing up, which cultural group did most identify with, and what challenges did his parents face as a biracial couple. you know, easy questions! and we chatted for quite awhile. and he told me how his mom was the more "soulful" of the two and how his parents were really involved int he civil rights movement. and he told me how often he gets mistaken for being hispanic!

then he got a phone call and he left. I paid my bill {and gave the waitress a huge tip, since I think that's what you're suppose to do when you win $300} and sat with my book to read & drink dr pepper. then two things happened. the waitress asked me if I was sure about the tip. I said yes, of course. and she told me how she uses some of her tips and the food credit she gets at her restaurant to feed a homeless man that she sees every night on her way home. and that she thinks he's a vietnam vet. and I was a bit humbled in that moment.

and then old mr. florida got up and asked me if I wanted to check out a band playing at harrods with him, and join him for a nightcap. 'cause just when your guard is down a little bit, a dud comes and messes with you and catches you coming up with a lame excuse why you definitely will NOT have a drink with old mr. florida!!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

I've discovered two new things this week. #1 - travelling alone works for me. #2 - I don't like whiskey on the rocks.

the first 24 hours were rough. it's weird being alone when you're with people all day, every day. and not just people, but people and kids that want your opinion, your emotional energy, your decision making skills, your guidance. and let's be honest, I'm a talker. SHOCKING!! then, all of a sudden {and of your own doing!}, you're alone. I made a new friend on the airplane - she lives in vegas and visits alberta for vacation! but I didn't really have a meaningful conversation with anyone else for 24 hrs. and honestly, I was feeling kinda sorry for myself, mainly because I was so out of my element. and then I had a bit of an "eff this" moment. I could wait for someone to talk to me, or I could go out there and meet some people and find out their stories. so I did. and this week, as I blog, I'm going to share some of those stories with you. I met some incredible people. and I met some duds. and I had a few "holy small world, batman" moments. so yes, travelling alone is refreshing. as in, I feel refreshed. and rested {even though I'm tired!}.

and the whiskey thing, well I ordered the wrong drink in the bar. and drank it anyways. really, I wanted an irish coffee and didn't order it correctly. ended up with a shot of jamisons. ICKY!!! but I wasn't going to waste something I had spent money on, and look like an idiot in front of the bar tender. lesson learned, right? ha!

{the fountains at the bellagio}

{I do enjoy staying at the flamingo ~ there's something so tacky about it!!}

Thursday, July 07, 2011

8 - the number of km I walked this morning.
2 - the number of lbs I am down this week.
3.5 - the number of hours until I'm on an airplane.
6 - the number of hours until I'm in the heat of vegas.
35 - the number of hours until I'm 39 years old.
366 - the number of days until I am 40 years old.
8+ - the number of hugs and kisses I got from each of the boys this morning.
5 - the number of coupons I have for shopping in vegas.

Monday, July 04, 2011

well, it's been a good first monday of summer vacation. the boys and I have been on our own for the last four days, since john has been on days. there've been movies and fast food at the mall, time with cousins and new friends on our street. there have been late nights and even later mornings! a good start to summer.

so I took the boys to my friend's cabin yesterday. it's at a lake, just 45 minutes from town. we were worried that it was going to pour, but the rain stayed away. and the boys played for hours. and we shared a bottle of wine and sat with our books. it was chilly {considering how warm the rest of the weekend was}, but it still provided a well needed rest.

today we cleaned up and came into town to an on-slaught of appointments. both boys needed their eyes checked. and my suspicions were confirmed. yet again, nate needed a new prescription. and once again, it had nearly doubled in both eyes. two summers ago, when he got his first pair he had around a -1 correction in both eyes. last summer, he was at around a -2.5/-2.75. today, he's at -4.5/-4.75. the kid has totally inherited my bad vision. when he sits in that chair, my entire childhood comes back to me - is it better or worse? one or two? sigh. but in good news, ty's eyes are still the same - no need for glasses. yet. we did get a really cute pair for nate today. I am thankful that kids glasses are cute. not like the atrocities I had to wear in the late 70s.

and then it was off to the dentist. the only thing left on the appointment checklist is physicals. I think I'll book them for the last week of august!

Friday, July 01, 2011

happy canada day, peeps. I am grateful that I live in the greatest country in the world. it's the land of good beer, poutine, hockey and snow. the people are diverse and the land is too. I love being canadian and love that I was fortunate enough to be born in this country. it may be cold here, but it's not today, so I'm putting that out of my mind!!!

so I'm suppose to do a sexyback11 update. NOTHING HAS CHANGED!!! I am still up the 2 damn pounds from last week. sheesh. okay, so I ate crap. this week, I have no excuse. the stress is gone and my fridge will be full of good things after the boys and I go to the market. I walked 15km {aka 9.3 miles} today with my mom and sister, so I feel super strong and super fierce. but that damn number on the scale just hoops me up.

let's talk about that 15k - it's the best walk I've done yet. the last kilometre was tough and my feet hurt, but I am doing this better and faster than I ever have in the past. and I'm proud of myself.

so yes, this whole "quality of food" thing needs to change, but I'm doing fairly well in the walking department. or should I say, I did well today! and tomorrow, as I do every day, I get to start again. for that, I'm thankful.

me, on a good day!

about me

I practice intentional poor grammar, get rock-star parking all the time, drink coffee like starbucks is going out of business and title all my posts with song titles.

come, pour yourself a cup, and join me in the general ramblings of my daily adventures and enjoy all the same pictures over and over and over again {some call it redundancy, I call it looping around to what matters}!