“Just when you think it can’t get any worse, it can. And just when you think it can’t get any better, it can.” ~ Nicholas Sparks

Everyday it seems MS puts me to the test then waits to see how fast I fall apart. This morning I woke up to both of my hands not working. I could not control them. I tried to make a fist and nothing happened. The only movements were some feathery sporadic involuntary twitches. No matter how hard I tried, I could not manipulate them to move. My hands felt like they were paralyzed.

It just seems so unfair. Just as I am beginning to accept my walking and energy limitations, my hands are starting to fail me. I was so frightened. My heart jumps around every time MS tries to work its black magic.

I felt like crying but didn’t because I realized, how in the hell do I wipe my face if my hands are immobile. So I stayed calm and waited. After about ten minutes, the dexterity in my hands returned and I was able to start my day.

Lately, whenever these types of events occur, I have decided to reclaim the moment by quietly bowing my head, clearing my mind and thinking positive thoughts. The days when MS is trying to control every part of my body and I have lost all hope, I close my eyes and fall into my dreams.

My dilemmas have never been solved by my newfound exploits but they do provide me with moments of clarity that allow me a chance to decide the best move to help ease the situation.

These moments have also helped me remember my adage. You have to fight your fears, contest your nightmares with love and faith, and live in the moment.

Nicole, I understand how scary it is to see your life changing and feeling as though you don’t have any control. I am just getting thru an MS exacerbation and learning how to handle a new symptom that is plaguing my life VERTIGO. I can not imagine not being able to move my hands, but I do understand when a symptom appears. You inspire me to keep going and just breathe. Wish you all the luck & blessings dealing with this disease.

When MS first fully hit I went from walking to wheelchair and diapers in something slightly over 3 weeks. It was terrifying and all we could do was try to keep up so I could keep teaching my university students. In a 5 week class, I walked in like a regular person week 1, with a walker week 2 which was amazingly hard for me to accept. Week 3 to week 4 I transitioned to a wheelchair and week 5 one of the students had to literally move the chair because I couldn’t.

Would it have been better to not teach and just deal with my illness? Maybe, probably, who knows? It was a crazy, intense, scary time and we were just trying to cope. What I know is I can’t give up and they got to watch me not give up and there is a lot of life lessons in that. Things are physically much better now but life is mostly a decision to as much as possible get off the couch and embrace it. If ever I can’t, I’m going to be writing and communicating as much as possible and however possible. The disease can’t beat the me-ness of my reality! Or yours!!

Nicole, so many times I read your blog and it’s exactly what I’m going through at that moment, too. When something doesn’t work correctly I’m learning to stop and wait. Too many times, Hubby has come home and found me fast asleep in my wheelchair in the bathroom doorway because I stopped and waited too well. I am so thankful you got your arms back. I lost control of my left hand and developed full body tremors about 2 years ago. Of course, I’m left-handed. I’ve been doing crossword puzzles to learn how to write again. Got mad because I couldn’t crochet anymore, but I hadn’t learned to knit, yet, so I’m learning to do it right-handed. The tremors make that an uphill battle. Once I’ve crossed that bridge, I’ll try to learn to crochet again with my right. Thank you for sharing your amazing attitude toward this nightmare. Sometimes that’s just the encouragement needed to keep fighting.

I totally sympathize. I lost feeling in my hands back in March, and was worried it wouldn’t come back, but steroids helped! I couldn’t imagine how I could live life with both an MS-induced seizure disorder AND an inability to feel my hands. Meditation helped a lot.

If this is a new symptom for you, please, please, please contact your neurologist today. Quick treatment is the best possible way to stop the paralysis from returning and persisting.

Nicole, I can imagine how terribly frightening this was for you. All I have left is my hands and arms, my eyes, and my voice. It isn’t much but I have learned to function with just these 3 things. I can still dress myself (sort of,) drag myself on and off the bed and the toilet, feed myself, and swim (sort of.) It allows me a certain level of independence, which is good because I get no help from my husband. He chooses to look away while I struggle, and pretend this isn’t happening. I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t move my hands/arms. I’m glad you regained control. It makes us appreciate the small things in a greater way.