A Fifth Season is a place of pause to grieve the death of my first and only child. A season characterized by reflection on the big stuff and the little stuff that this mom encounters as I parent the memory of my child, and my child, in loving return, parents my heart.

What is "A Fifth Season"?

Monday, October 12, 2009

The Laramie Project: Ten Years Later

I attended one of the readings of the play/docudrama about the hate-crime committed against Matthew Shepard that resulted in his death. I went knowing that this play was about the death of a child, and I think I went because it was about the death of a child. To hear the story again, and honor the life of another mother's child.

The acting where I attended was fine, but the words, taken directly from people from the town of Laramie, were powerful, sometimes mundane, and sometimes profound.

There were some who echoed the familiar, "Oh, we're past that." and "We've moved on," and of course when the words of Matthew's mother are read, we hear that many had told her these words. "Aren't you keeping him alive by doing this?" I started nodding as I heard this. "Yes," were Judy's words, "of course I am. Telling his story keeps him alive."

We don't move on, we don't get past, and we don't even seek to put it behind us, rather we carry it with us. When someone says my daughter's name, I might get a tear, but know that I cherish those tears, they are what I have of her and feeling that love for her that causes the tear to fall is a gift. Others cannot hurt us with "reminders," but they can hurt us by ignoring our children.

As she read the words of Judy, there was a point where my throat caught, and The script called for the actress to tear up and say, "sorry." The actress did a fair job, though, I knew her children were all still living. But it was OK, I knew intimately a bereaved parent's emotions and heard Judy's words and saw Judy's tears.

To Judy, who I don't know, but feel I do, "I am so sorry for the death of your son, Matthew. I am so deeply sorry, and I am remembering him with you on the anniversary of his death. I am remembering him with you." Peace.

I took away plenty of other big thoughts which I may write about here, but first I have to sift through whether they belong on a blog that is meant to be about my daughter and place of pause to grieve her death. There's an online community that gathered after the simultaneous performances. If you're interested you can read about it more here.

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Live the Questions Now

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now....—Rainer Maria Rilke

Pure Silence (Rumi)

I have come this timeto burn my thorns,to purify my life,to take up service againin the garden

I come weeping to these watersto rise free of passion and belief

Look at my face. These tearsare traces of you.

From "Thoughts Matter"

When tears come, I breathe deeply and rest.I know I am in a hallowed stream,where many have gone before.I am not alone, crazy or having a nervous breakdown.My heart is at work.My soul is awake.

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Words of Comfort & Hope

"See I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared." (Exodus 23:20)

~Marcel Proust

There is no more ridiculous custom than the one that makes you express sympathy once and for all on a given day to a person whose sorrow will endure as long as his life. Such grief, felt in such a way is always present; it is never too late to talk about it, never repetitious to mention it again.