Things Ann Coulter Said While Watching The U.S.-Germany Game

“I’ve held off on writing about soccer for a decade—or about the length of the average soccer game—so as not to offend anyone. But enough is enough. Any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation’s moral decay.”—Ann Coulter, June 25th

Ha, they come out holding kids’ hands for the introductions. There is no place for children in sports. Gross, some of them are girls. Boys and girls shouldn’t be on the field at the same time. I bet most of them are orphans, too. Lousy orphans.

Wait, both of the coaches are German? I can’t believe my research assistant didn’t tell me that! This sucks even more than I imagined.

Look at the white guy with dreadlocks! He must live in Colorado, that turncoat state full of immigrants from Mexico and Amsterdam. Soccer is the only sport in the world in which a player can play while having dreadlocks. Thank God for football and basketball.

O.K., see, like I guessed: they are playing both national anthems before the game. In real sports like basketball and hockey, they only play “The Star-Spangled Banner.”

The announcer is British? If he starts using the metric system, I’m done. Foreigners shouldn’t be allowed on American television.

Borrrrrring. I’ll say this, though: at least the players are thin.

Remember when we beat the Germans at those wars? War is the best.

Half time, finally. It’s been at least five years since the game started.

Look at all these dummies in Kansas City and Chicago watching the game together. How do you say “Get a job” in Spanish?

O.K., they are back. What are these substitutions? In legitimate American sports, everyone plays the entire game, and then they all die of wounds and exhaustion afterward. These quitters are why we’re a second-rate power.

Still tied. I am so glad I wrote all that stuff about how dumb ties are. This is working out perfectly.

Oh, gee, the Germans accidentally knocked the ball into the goal. I don’t know how to feel: somewhere Angela Merkel is happy, but somewhere else Hillary Clinton is sad. Tough call.

Like I said, no one gets hurt playing soccer. Oh, fine, that serious-looking guy just broke his nose again. And those other two guys just concussed each other. Hope their moms have the minivans fired up to take them to the hospital. They’ll probably get better health care in the favelas than we do here in the land of death panels.

I wonder what Beyoncé and Lena Dunham are doing right now. Probably watching this game. Losers.

Just a few more minutes and then the U.S. will lose and we won’t have to think about the World Cup again until a Republican is President.

What is this extra time? In Reagan’s America, forty-five minutes meant forty-five minutes. It’s like giving kids with learning disabilities extra time on their tests. I wish I’d known about this for my column—it would have been perfect.

O.K., it’s over. Oh, look, I’m trending on Twitter.

Ugh, they LOST and Americans are cheering? Thanks, Obama.

Hmm, odd that no one got ribbons or juice boxes at the end of the game. Maybe I should issue a correction? Nah.