‘Places you’ll only visit due to random misfortune’: an alt guide to Canada’s cities

Canada Day 2017 is also the countrys 150th birthday. To mark this special occasion, we present this handy guide to its biggest urban centres, as found in The CANADALAND Guide to Canada

Welcome to Canada! While many people think of it as a vast expanse of snowy wilderness, 75% of Canadians actually live within 90 minutes of the US border which they desperately cling to for warmth and television shows.

Most Canadians dwell in a series of cities that you may find yourself in due to layovers or random misfortune. It is difficult to tell one from another … this may help.

Ever had a kebab the size of your arm? Toronto has! How about poutine with pork three ways? You betcha! Fourteen-day green juice cleanse? Theyre right next door! The city has a particular penchant for novelty baked goods, pretentious fusion, and the needlessly wheat-less. Since the citys food is the only thing that has ever brought residents any semblance of joy, they stuff chow mein burritos in their mouths like theyre not all on the slow, inevitable road to oblivion.

Amalgamations revenge

Toronto is a composite of boroughs and cultures stitched together. After decades of unhindered suburban sprawl, its many communities were suddenly amalgamated into an incoherent and ungovernable behemoth in 1998. Want to extend the subway system by a few stops? No problem. That will be done in 20 years or so.

Junkies: Vancouvers downtown eastside is home to a sobering number of heroin addicts, and a visit to any Hastings alleyway will mortify even the most hardened street-dweller. This is terrible, remarked a scandalised Snoop Dogg in a 2016 Instagram video as his SUV drove over piles of syringes. You need to clean this shit up.

Teen millionaires 2.0: Huffing the northward-drifting fumes of Silicon Valley, local gurus and thinkfluentials all want to score big with the next Hootsuite or Plenty of Fish. Know what Retsly, Zeetl, Tingle, or Yiip do? Thats OK, neither do their employees.

Kitsilano: A charming middle-class neighbourhood, popular with young parents, filled with parks, beaches, and beautiful heritage homes all of which will be wiped off the face of the earth by a cataclysmic 8.0+ megaquake.

Yaletown: Formerly the citys rail yard, Yaletown has transformed into a neighbourhood filled of trendy bars, parks, spas and boutiques, and is set to transform again when an earthquake rips the earth open like a zipper, as one scientist put it.

Gastown: Home to some of the citys most popular historic sites, restaurants, profit-free tech startups, and least earthquake-resistant buildings. It will not be spared in the destruction.

Enemies of Vancouver

Vancouver has more homeless people than anywhere else in Canada; it also has more empty homes than anywhere else in Canada.

Glorify yourself in Ottawas 14 national museums. Roughly 7.3 million people visit the capital region each year and millions more will come to worship at your altar. Force the Royal Canadian Mint to only press coins with your visage. The Canada Aviation and Space Museum should show the latest in ballistic missile technology on loan from your friends in North Korea. The National Gallery of Canada should showcase only boring art that makes people feel comfortable (so no changes needed there).

Leave: Montral is the most charming and sexy city in North America. It is sophisticated, civilised and cheap. After a weekend visit or a university degree, many will try to stay. Remember: you may love Montral, but it will never love you back. Au revoir!

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