Oh, it is ON now!!!

In my last post, I talked about the broke-ass Nikki Sixx lookalike who came to audition for us on Saturday. This is a follow-up to that post, because this asshole did the unthinkable:

He called us out.

We had band practice last Thursday night, so we got together as usual and ran through some new music we’re writing. As we were winding down, our drummer Rowdy noticed that she’d had some missed calls and a voicemail from the guy – I’ll call him Kenny Y, or “KY” for short. While the rest of packed up and prepared to leave, she listened to the voicemail. Then she looked up and announced “Y’all have GOT to hear this!” She put her cell on speakerphone, and this (paraphrased) conversation started spilling out:

“Hey, this is KY…you told me on Saturday that you’d call me in a couple of days to let me know something, and it’s been like 4 or 5 days since then and I haven’t heard from you. I don’t know if you’re lying to me, or if you think I’m some sort of chump or whatever, but I wanna let you know that it’s really unprofessional of you to leave me hanging like this. Just tell me what’s going on. Hello? Is anyone there? Yeah, I hope you’re not lying to me or whatever. Call me back.”

He left this same message, nearly verbatim, on 2 of our phones while we were rehearsing. Now, I don’t know about the rest of you, but if you call me a liar, you better damn-well be sure of it or I will lose my shit. Rowdy isn’t called “Rowdy” because of her diplomatic skills or her soft touch. We call her The Pitbull because she’s the one we sic on people when people ain’t acting right. Rowdy is unafraid to get in someone’s face, man or woman, and can back it up. One night at a gig, a bunch of guys started a mosh pit near the stage, and it started spreading outward to the tables were people were just sitting and drinking. One guy nearly bowled over this tiny girl who was sitting at a table, completely uninvolved with the moshing. Upon seeing this, Rowdy went to confront the guy, and I stood a few paces behind her, watching. DWW said “Maybe you should step in there and help her.” I said “I’m not watching to help her – I’m watching to help HIM. Rowdy will kill that guy if he steps to her.” That guy was wise – like an antelope on the Serengheti, he recognized danger, and lifting his head, he bounded away at top speed. However, I’m not so sure that KY has these natural instincts. And needless to say, Rowdy was calling KY back even before the full weight of his message had sunk in.

He answered the phone, and Rowdy immediately laid into him about basically calling us liars, and reminding him that since we didn’t have any information to share with him, we hadn’t called him yet. Not to mention the fact that it had only been FIVE DAYS! Desperation much? The fact that he called to find out what the deal was is fine; in fact, it’s kinda professional. But if you’re calling to find out your status with something, it’s a good idea to not accuse the people you’re talking to of wrongdoing. As she tried to tell him to relax, he got belligerant with her, causing them both to raise their voices, and he repeated his claims that we were unprofessional and liars and making him out to be a chump. And to her credit, Rowdy refrained from verbally gutting him like a catfish. Instead, as things got progressively worse, she simply said “You know, let’s just end this right here. We obviously have a personality conflict, so let’s just call it quits.” and hung up the phone. Case closed. After all, we most likely were not gonna go with this guy, but dammit, we have a process, and we were gonna let him know in due time. About 5 or 10 minutes passed, and lo and behold, KY called BACK! This time Rowdy let it go to voicemail (after the rest of us vehemently refused to talk to El Pollo Loco), and she checked the message afterwards. Folks, let me tell you – I’ve heard a lot of disgruntled voicemails in my time, but this one really takes the cake. It’s both enraging and wildly entertaining at the same time. I’ve never heard so much stupid, misplaced anger in my entire life. While listening to it, my emotions went from amused to pissed to bewilderment to outright anger to plain ol’ laughter. I can’t do it justice by transcribing it. If you want to know what he said, listen to it for yourself. Some warning, though, before you go a-clickin’ on the link: the link will take you to Myspace, so if you shouldn’t be going to Myspace at work or whatever, consider that. Also, the message contains some very….colorful language. Make sure you’re alone or you use headphones, ’cause this is definitely not PG-13 shit. He gets vile. Go to the site, and click on the very first song in the song list (it’s called Declined Disgruntled Singer or something like that). When you’re done laughing at that, make sure to click on the band’s blog post titled “Audition Blues”. It’s basically the exact same post that I made here, but here’s the kicker – HE RESPONDED TO IT!

Oh yes, he did.

This part didn’t make it on the voicemail linked on the band site, but it was by far the best part of that whole craptacular message. At the end, after he had finished spewing forth all his hate and anger, there was a pause, maybe 4 or 5 seconds at the most. Pure silence. And then, in a slightly different tone of voice, Mr. KY uttered the single most hilarious phrase I’ve ever heard after a venom-laced diatribe:

“Mom? Is that you?”

Mr. Rock Star? Mr. God of Singing? Mr. Throwback to 80s Hair Metal Madness? He lives at home with his mom, a fact confirmed by Rowdy when she described calling him on the day of the audition to confirm his appointment time, only to encounter what she describes as a bad version of Katherine Hepburn on the phone line, who went on to explain that SHE was on the phone, and no Rowdy COULDN’T talk to ol’ KY, and that he doesn’t need to be making any long-distance phone calls, and then repeated all this when Rowdy asked if she could give him the message that she called. (Now THAT was a run-on sentence, people.) At that point, apparently KY picked up another extension in the house, and screamed at his mom, calling her a whore or a drunk or something similar before turning his attention to his caller – who then said “Call me back when things settle down there.” I can’t make this stuff up.