BUT…lately, the comparison game has been KILLING ME! And comparison is winning. I begin to get in this cycle of scrolling and scrolling, wasting precious time of comparing myself. To beautiful people…why can’t I look like that? To those traveling….why can’t I feel that freedom and adventure? To those getting married…why can’t I be in that season of life?

It’s a nasty cycle. It makes me feel pretty crummy. And instead of rejoicing with people in their travels, their beauty, and their season of life changes, I get the classic green envy thing going on. It affects how I view myself, how I function daily, and how I spend my time/thoughts.

One thing that has been on my heart is singleness. I have been in a season of singleness most of my life. It’s a comfortable season for me, despite the fact that I desire to be married and have a family one day. I think what I see in a lot of women in my life, or even interacting with women I don’t know that well, is that it’s not that we exactly think singleness is a “disease,” but rather that marriage HAS to happen or else we won’t feel accomplished in life. We won’t feel fulfilled.

Reading the book Captivating by Stasi and John Eldredge, we as women basically have one question on our mind always:

“Am I lovely?”

“If I wear this, will he think I’m lovely?”“If I cut my hair like this, will he think I’m lovely?”“If I act this way, will he think I’m lovely?”
“If I post this picture, will he think I’m lovely?”
“If I’m in a relationship with him, will he continually make me feel lovely?”
“If I give him my body, will he think I’m lovely?”

We want to be fought for. We want to know if we are worth it. I think as women, we put so much of our identity in what guys think of us. We turn to them when we want the affirmation of our worth.

Too many times in my life do I talk to women in my life, and hear the discouraged subtlety of “oh I’m not married yet.” or “I’m not dating anyone.” I feel like in my own life, I get the notion of “okay when I get married, I feel like I’ll have life figured out just a little better.” It’s that end all “life accomplishment.”

My sisters, we don’t have to feel like marriage is the end all. We don’t have to feel that we don’t have purpose if we aren’t married, aren’t in a relationship, or won’t be in one at all. That is OKAY.

Vulnerability moment. Okay so yes, I desire for marriage. It’s such an amazing thing. But my mind thinks that I’m not fully myself until I get married. Like this season of life I’m in right now is when I’m not fully Kelley, but just a sub-par version of myself. I had this realization that, wow I don’t need to look down on myself in this season of life, but pursue the ability to fully be the best possible person I can be, because that is who God designed me to be, whether or not certain people or a certain person is in my life.

I can go into the depths of talking about marriage, but to keep it simple: God didn’t command that we had to get married. But yet it’s such a beautiful thing He designed and blesses. It’s the beautiful representation of Christ and the church, and we get to share in that. But if our mind is skewed in thinking that we have a pretty lame life that we aren’t married or dating or whatever, we need a reality check.

“…Your will be done.”

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.”

“Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.”

(Matthew 6:10, 22:37, 28:19)

Our purpose is so much more than we realize. We are to pursue the kingdom. To serve, worship, and love our Father. Our life is so much more than worrying about the little defeat of not feeling pursued, or worrying about who we are to marry.

Our Lord loves us so much and He knows of our desires, too. Don’t forget that. But don’t feel like you have a lack of purpose. Don’t feel like you’re worthless. You are the perfect you that God has created you to be. And if a guy joins you on that journey, it’s something pretty amazing. But don’t have the feeling of thinking he’s going to fill empty spots within you that makes you feel like you can be fully yourself.

To those dating, don’t settle for a guy or use a guy if you are JUST looking for validation from him that you are good enough and worthy enough. Don’t let the guy you are dating be the number one source of filling the hole in your heart that asks the question “am I lovely?” We need to respect our brothers. Pursue him as the son of God that he is. And also, know and stand FIRM in the fact that your worth comes from God….for God answers our “am I lovely” question.

To end, I was reminded of Nehemiah today. Chapter 6, verse 3: “I am carrying on a great project and cannot go down.”

Sisters. Stand firm. Trust God. Surrender those fears, apprehensions, and worries to Him. Work your bottom off for the kingdom, for you have a great task to do, and cannot come down. And who knows, someone just might join you with that task.

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2 thoughts on “all the single ladies. (and those who are dating)”

I tried reading Captivating once. The problem is that it doesn’t really describe how I perceive myself and it doesn’t really fit me where I’m at. So by the time I made it to page three, I threw the book across the room and decided that I’m better off not reading one more word. I really don’t think there’s a one size fits all way to describe what it is to be feminine or a woman or what women ought to want or to feel that’s proper. I keep on thinking back to Molly Brown portrayed by Kathy Bates, she’s not the kind of woman who fits the mold and that’s what makes her so very interesting as a person. Coincidentally, I found myself writing about the Church’s failure to acknowledge single Christians today. I guess great minds think alike.

Jamie, thank you for sharing. I know I have a lot of blind spots while I read some things. Captivating was perfect for the season I was in. I had such a skewed view of what beauty truly is, and it taught me more about that, how I perceive beauty in myself and what God thinks of it. It also helped me dig out some deep roots of things that have hurt me in the past that explain the things I do and why I do them. I’m not defending the book, and it’s not for everyone, but I do appreciate your thoughts and they make me think even deeper.

We are all so beautifully unique and there’s no clear cut mold of how we women should act or feel or want. Even though Paul talks about some controversial stuff in his letters, there was such a bigger picture than trying to mold women a certain way.

All in all, what I know is that we are beautifully created by our Creator, and we are to pursue Him in everything.