Saturday, May 30, 2009

I'm BAAAAck!

I dismantled the original HoseMaster of Wine last April just as it was getting popular. I hate being popular. I was beginning to feel suffocated by the format that I'd created. It had stopped being about wine and was ultimately about the nude photos I used to accentuate the absurdity of wine blogging. I had overlooked the obvious fact that the vast majority of wine geeks and bloggers are emotionally crippled. The sight of breasts on a website devoted to wine criticism was more than most could bear. Truly, I was worn down by the adolescent responses, most of which I richly deserved. But I had painted myself into a strange creative corner and felt the only way out was to pull the plug on the damned thing. So I did.

But a couple of months later I find myself once again yearning for a voice in the wine blogosphere with something interesting to say. A voice that has an annoying way of saying it. A voice unafraid of negative opinions, a voice of satire and strangeness, a voice that sounds exactly like my own. I read wine blogs and I think, "Man, these all sound the same." All those wrongs certainly do make a trite.

So I'm back. I'm starting HoseMaster of Wine all over again. I don't know where it will lead, but I do know I'm going to avoid the use of cheesecake photos. Oh, I'm still looking at them, I'm just not picking out the cutest ones for your enjoyment. At least until Hustler starts a wine blog. (I can see it now, "Beaver Hunt and Beaujolais: Crus'in for Chicks.") I am going to resume making fun of the hypocrisy and inaccuracies and stupidity of wine blogs. I am going to say whatever is on my mind about whatever wine or winery I run across. I will not pretend to be objective or honest or transparent or any other label sanctimonious wine bloggers disingenuously pin on themselves. I will, however, try to be funny. Someone has to do it. "The Dregs Report" was like the Special Olympics for Satire.

I hope you'll join me for my little comeback. And I hope you'll participate, give me feedback, tell your friends, engage in the anarchy. There is so much crap on the Internet. I just hope mine is the most fragrant.

Thinking back, I don't think it was about the breasts. It was your failure to be a full service provider. Where were the pix for the women and gays among us?

And I don't mind your mating Steve Heimoff to somebody, but we don't need another Tom Wark. Better you should mate Jess Jackson to Cher and they can both retire.

You need to give Murphy-Goode some credit. Their ploy was out in the open and has already given them more visibility than the whole gig is going to cost them. Who said we had to drink their wines to enjoy the good laugh they have given us? And I can even drink some of them.

So, welcome back. This little corner of the blogosphere is the perfect antidote to all those folks who think they are going to get rich writing semi-educated wine editorials and telling us which overly hyped wine they like today. I just hope that you will like something now and then. I sure don't like drinking water.

Thank you, Samantha! Say Hi to Randy at Wine Country for me--he and I go back to the times before blogs, screwcaps and 100 point ratings.

Thanks, JV. Someone has to do it.

Charlie, I am a long, long, long time subscriber to your publication and hold it in great esteem. Thanks for visiting my pathetic little show. There are many wines I find that I like, and I intend to write about them, but in my own twisted voice.

As to being a full service provider, that went out the window when HoseMaster of Wine became Government owned and I was forced to make hundreds of layoffs and shut down several plants. But at least you can sleep better at night knowing that as a citizen of this great country you are part owner of HoseMaster of Wine.

Ron, Will do! Cannot believe how many people know Randy, kind of humbling to be under his wing. Great guy and I will have to show him this thread...funny thing is, I was thinking when I read your post about Murphy Goode, "Randy would dig this cat" too funny that you two know each other. Can't wait t read more from you, (is that too much like a "great post" comment?!) but I am pleased that there are going to be less boobies. I'm not fragile, just have a set of knockers of my own, so I'm kinda over it...(shrug) guess there is a fine line between "fragile" and penile impairment.

I grew up in Long Beach--my older sister and Randy were classmates at Wilson High. I'm sure Randy will concede that I taught him everything he knows about wine...I probably should have taught him to write.

Glad to hear about your knockers. Turns out half my readers had them, not all of them women.

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About Me

After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.
I'm living proof that alcohol kills brain cells.

What the Critics Are Saying About HoseMaster of Wine

"If you want a great hoot and howl moment or two...go read the HoseMaster's year-end reflections...that guy is without a doubt the funniest SOB in the blog-world...and thank him for having the brains and balls to target his laser of laughter on anybody...HoseMaster for President...HoseMaster for Blogger of the Year...although he would be the first to say the bar is so damn low for that award, he should win it every year..."--Robert Parker

"No one is immune from California sommelier and wine judge Ron Washam's skewering. He polishes that skewer with boundless enthusiasm and acuity."

--JancisRobinson.com

"As serious as the world of wine is, it does allow time for humor. Each Monday and Thursday, Ron Washam customarily posts a commentary on his needling wine blog HoseMaster of Wine. Washam, a former sommelier and comedy writer – he might say they are closely related – is the most opinionated, humorous and ribald observer in the wine world. His body of work is irreverent and remorseless. It’s almost always satire and parody, though he occasionally drifts into straight commentary, sometimes even with tasting notes. This past year, one of his posts was named the best of the year in the Wine Blog Awards. His success has spawned several imitations, which in their awkwardness show just how difficult satire is."

"Please let this guy write the scripts for Saturday Night Live which has gotten so lame...his newest "wisdom" is worth an Emmy....I wonder if he is the genius behind all those Hitler/Parker,etc. clips? No one else is remotely as funny or as talented.And the wine world sure needs someone to poke fun at all the nonsense and phoney/baloney unsufferable crap out there."

--Robert Parker

"Washam uses his own blog, HoseMaster of Wine, to skewer the industry in general and wine blogs in particular. If your mouse scoots to your browser's close box while reading a wine blog, Washam may be the blogger for you."

--San Francisco Chronicle

"Ron Washam, former sommelier, is easily the most bitingly funny blogger/wine writer that we have ever come across. He is an equal opportunity crusader who pillories big wineries and amateur bloggers alike, as well as everything and everyone in between...One needs a sense of humor and a tolerance for earthiness to enjoy reading The Hosemaster. We must have both because this guy deserves a wider audience, in our humble opinion."--Connoisseurs' Guide to California Wine

"In my opinion, and that of many others, his blog is one of the best. And in terms of satirical or parodic wine blogs, it has no peer. Ron’s alert eye catches every pretense and skewers it with laugh out loud mercilessness."

--Steve Heimoff

"This site should carry a warning label. It's sort of a Dave Barry/George Carlin approach to wine. The Hosemaster (real name Ron Washam) skewers fellow bloggers and industry savants with glee, while offering hilarious wine guides such as his Honest Guide to Grapes..."

--Paul Gregutt, Seattle Times

"Washam is a skilled wine judge (I have judged with him) who is willing to judge wine double blind, in public. To my knowledge, Parker does not do this and never has. So Ron's credentials are in place, and so is his sense of the absurd."

--Dan Berger, VintageExperiences

"...I consider Ron a very talented writer and I’ve long been an admirer of his scathing wit..."

--1WineDude

"And if any free sites think they can conquer the world, there’s always the Hosemaster to take ‘em down a notch."

--Tyler Colman "Dr. Vino"

"Those of you who know Ron either love or hate him, because he throws jabs like a punch drunk boxer, and we’re all in the firing line. He’ll throw them if he hates you, and he’ll throw them if he loves you. He’s a satirist of exceptional quality."

--Jo Diaz "Juicy Tales by Jo Diaz"

"I must say you are an idiot. I've never liked you. I have no idea why people find you funny."