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Welcome to (a preview of) Herman Cain’s America

People of all stripes have been arguing that America’s in a bad place right now. Our deficit is soaring, our rich are hogging up all the yachts and our kids — man, they suck. They’re fat, their music is weird, they cut themselves and they still haven’t lifted the U.S. out of a recession by getting jobs and buying all the CDs and DVDs (that we still think are weird).

Our Congress didn’t help, of course, when they determined that, for school lunches, the two tablespoons of tomato sauce per slice makes pizza a vegetable. (A tomato is a fruit, until you squeeze it and add salt. Then it’s a vegetable, and that is science.*) And, with the double-helping of vegetables that comes with adding french fries, it looks like it’ll be up to our children’s children to stand up to those wendi-jerkoffs on our northern border.

*Today’s science is brought to you by Dr. Papa John, Director of the Hand-Tossed Institute.