Providing

We are at a crossroads. Our baby is over one. Dp has an income but has so many debts he has to pay those and we are behind on rent plus old rent from another place. Those debts weren't created by me or anything we agreed on together. (they were bills an investment start up ideas. ) right when we moved in together he was in the process of selling a property, and then used most of that money for a new apartment for us, plus his 2 kids from before. It was never my idea for him to sell that house, but it's like he blames me for his choice. He ended up not being able to pay the rent on the new place. I helped when I could (tax return, and extra cash, overdraft) I paid one of the months rent which was a lot for me. At that time I covered 95 perent of diaper expenses plus my personal expenses on no income- like I said I scraped from anywhere I could including credit cards. He says because I have a property that I rent out (and barely break even on), that I am not investing in the relationship. It's almost a deal breaker for him that he put 'everything' he had into us and he feels like I am did not return the favor. I never asked him to sell his property. He also sees my old 401k as me holding out on him, like I could help us get out of debt. I don't want to take out of there to pay off what I see as choices he made alone when he was free to be working while I do 100 percent of the childcare. Recently on weekends I get and hour or two free but mostly he is so consumed by his things he is too busy. It's clear I have to start to work now too and I have recenty restarted my small business. He feels like he bears all the responsibility and I feel and not getting enough support from him emotionally, financially anything. He works freelance so it's tricky to predict. Also it's like he blames me for how much the groceries were when we lived with his other kids, and somehow I just don't think I should be responsible for this. I guess we made progress today, I realize it is partly a trust issue. I have seen what he does with money and he just doesn't handle it well. He is finally letting me on board to see what the debts are and do a budget. I am willing to work, and even help out on the old rent debts if I can. To add to this, sometime he berated me for other things and I think that is where the trust issue on my part is coming from. But even so, my approach is work, pay off our debts, then think about buying a house. He is accusing me of not contributing enough when I am doing all I can. I am stupid? Being selfish? Sorry I have posted before but I am really trying to get some clarity. Thx

We are at a crossroads. Our baby is over one. Dp has an income but has so many debts he has to pay those and we are behind on rent plus old rent from another place. Those debts weren't created by me or anything we agreed on together. (they were bills an investment start up ideas. ) right when we moved in together he was in the process of selling a property, and then used most of that money for a new apartment for us, plus his 2 kids from before. It was never my idea for him to sell that house, but it's like he blames me for his choice. He ended up not being able to pay the rent on the new place. I helped when I could (tax return, and extra cash, overdraft) I paid one of the months rent which was a lot for me. At that time I covered 95 perent of diaper expenses plus my personal expenses on no income- like I said I scraped from anywhere I could including credit cards. He says because I have a property that I rent out (and barely break even on), that I am not investing in the relationship. It's almost a deal breaker for him that he put 'everything' he had into us and he feels like I am did not return the favor. I never asked him to sell his property. He also sees my old 401k as me holding out on him, like I could help us get out of debt. I don't want to take out of there to pay off what I see as choices he made alone when he was free to be working while I do 100 percent of the childcare. Recently on weekends I get and hour or two free but mostly he is so consumed by his things he is too busy. It's clear I have to start to work now too and I have recenty restarted my small business. He feels like he bears all the responsibility and I feel and not getting enough support from him emotionally, financially anything. He works freelance so it's tricky to predict. Also it's like he blames me for how much the groceries were when we lived with his other kids, and somehow I just don't think I should be responsible for this. I guess we made progress today, I realize it is partly a trust issue. I have seen what he does with money and he just doesn't handle it well. He is finally letting me on board to see what the debts are and do a budget. I am willing to work, and even help out on the old rent debts if I can. To add to this, sometime he berated me for other things and I think that is where the trust issue on my part is coming from. But even so, my approach is work, pay off our debts, then think about buying a house. He is accusing me of not contributing enough when I am doing all I can. I am stupid? Being selfish? Sorry I have posted before but I am really trying to get some clarity. Thx

When my boyfriend and I decided to take things to the next level and move in together and have a baby, we knew that meant that anything financially from the past became both of ours. We don't fight over who makes more money or who has more debt because in the end we are both there for each other and don't need to keep any kind of score.

When my boyfriend and I decided to take things to the next level and move in together and have a baby, we knew that meant that anything financially from the past became both of ours. We don't fight over who makes more money or who has more debt because in the end we are both there for each other and don't need to keep any kind of score.

I agree with pp. Even if it was in the past it's now yours also. I don't think I would do anything with the 401k. Might depend on how much the debt is and how much you have in it but a 401k withdrawal is EXPENSIVE! If he expects you to help pay it off you should expect him to be 100% in the loop as to the budget and he needs to stick to it.

I agree with pp. Even if it was in the past it's now yours also. I don't think I would do anything with the 401k. Might depend on how much the debt is and how much you have in it but a 401k withdrawal is EXPENSIVE! If he expects you to help pay it off you should expect him to be 100% in the loop as to the budget and he needs to stick to it.

touching your 401k is a bad idea. I wouldn't even do this for my husband who has way more credit cards debt then me. I don't agree that the debt is your until your marriage. How long have you been together? I look at it like previous debt is the responsiblilty of the persons and isn't your problem but maybe thats just me.

touching your 401k is a bad idea. I wouldn't even do this for my husband who has way more credit cards debt then me. I don't agree that the debt is your until your marriage. How long have you been together? I look at it like previous debt is the responsiblilty of the persons and isn't your problem but maybe thats just me.

I also agree (my opinion) that debt is not your responsibility to take on until marriage. Its something to carefully consider. I hope that you two can sit down and make a financial plan that works for you both and your relationship. Money can be so stressful if you aren't on the same page :( Good luck mama.

I also agree (my opinion) that debt is not your responsibility to take on until marriage. Its something to carefully consider. I hope that you two can sit down and make a financial plan that works for you both and your relationship. Money can be so stressful if you aren't on the same page :( Good luck mama.

Do not touch your 401k. Tell him that he will thank you later for leaving that money where it is. And if he is not around later, you will be ever more relieved you didn't cash out your 401k. (you lose like 50% to cash it out in taxes and penalties plus that money is protected in bankruptcy if you ever have to file hopefully you won't). Anyway, IMO what ever debt your spouse had before you married - that is not your responsibility although I guess it is your problem now If you ever want to get ahead. Very kind of you to help him pay it off. It sounds like he being overbearing and manipulative. Maybe go to a financial advisor to help you figure out a plan to get back on your feet?

Do not touch your 401k. Tell him that he will thank you later for leaving that money where it is. And if he is not around later, you will be ever more relieved you didn't cash out your 401k. (you lose like 50% to cash it out in taxes and penalties plus that money is protected in bankruptcy if you ever have to file hopefully you won't). Anyway, IMO what ever debt your spouse had before you married - that is not your responsibility although I guess it is your problem now If you ever want to get ahead. Very kind of you to help him pay it off. It sounds like he being overbearing and manipulative. Maybe go to a financial advisor to help you figure out a plan to get back on your feet?

Thanks I really appreciate the responses. I would love to go to a financial advisor but we talked about it before and he really won't . I was nit going to ask him to help with my debt that I created while we were together but I guess it's fair game if I help with his. This might end up breaking us. We just can't see eye to eye. He talks about building the future but I say our present is empty.

Thanks I really appreciate the responses. I would love to go to a financial advisor but we talked about it before and he really won't . I was nit going to ask him to help with my debt that I created while we were together but I guess it's fair game if I help with his. This might end up breaking us. We just can't see eye to eye. He talks about building the future but I say our present is empty.

Fantastic if combining finances and debts worked for the first two responders but it doesn't have to be that way. That is not YOUR debt. You guys are not married, you have no legal obligation to help him pay it off, and in my opinion no moral obligation either. He incurred that debt as a singleton. Don't let him bully you about it.

Fantastic if combining finances and debts worked for the first two responders but it doesn't have to be that way. That is not YOUR debt. You guys are not married, you have no legal obligation to help him pay it off, and in my opinion no moral obligation either. He incurred that debt as a singleton. Don't let him bully you about it.

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