So, uh… I wasn’t planning to write about this whole Kristen Cheated on Rob! story, but that was before the people involved started issuing official statements about it. A 22-year-old broad cheated on her boyfriend? STOP THE PRESSES! What’s next, her boyfriend calls a press conference about his premature ejaculation?

Anyway, as Stewart told People after getting busted cheating (Us Weekly got a picture where he might be kissing her boobs) with her married director of Snow White and the Huntsman, Rupert Sanders:

“I’m deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I’ve caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I’m so sorry,” Stewart said in a statement Wednesday. [People]

Stewart’s camp appears to be in serious damage-control mode, with a source telling People magazine that the actress has been reeling from her betrayal of Pattinson, 26, her boyfriend of three years whom she first met while filming the first “Twilight” installment. “It was a mistake and a complete lapse in judgment. “She wasn’t having an affair with Rupert. It was just a fleeting moment that shouldn’t have happened. She never meant to hurt anyone. She’s a good person who just made a bad choice.”
“Kristen is absolutely devastated,” the source said. [NYDailyNews]

She’s all torn up inside! Anxiously twirling her hair and biting her lip, no doubt. She’s probably all full of angst, you don’t have to be a source close to Kristen to figure that out. Meanwhile, Sanders, 41, issued a statement of his own:

Sanders also issued a public apology to his wife and children, essentially confirming his tryst with Stewart and indicating he is trying to mend his broken home.

“I am utterly distraught about the pain I have caused my family,” he told People. “My beautiful wife and heavenly children are all I have in this world. I love them with all my heart. I am praying that we can get through this together.” [NYDailyNews]

Oh sure, two public apologies and neither of you are sorry about that abortion of a movie you made? I mean, as long as you’re apologizing in public, you might as well apologize to the public. Wait, why are you apologizing in public again? Oh well, I guess we’re all in this together. I just hope we’ll be able to carry on after a tragedy of this magnitude.

YES! It has always seemed that way. Pattinson is obviously gay, and his “love” for Stewart has always struck me as a studio contract kind of thing to keep the Twi-hards tied up in bunches. Now that the whole crapfest is about to be over in a few months, a “break-up” has to occur upon the ending of the contract. Stewart’s indiscretion just changed their timetable, maybe. Or, Lord, maybe THIS was part of the plan, too.

When reached for comment, Mr. Pattinson replied ” I have no comment”, while making a face that looked like a cross between someone who just broke their leg and someone who was taking an sphincter stretching dump.

Its quite simple, Rob and K-Stew can’t express emotion on camera so the make up this fake relationship to at least pretend that they care for each other. And now some dude with a camera captured Stewart auditioning for “Snowhite and the Huntsman 2: Eclectic Boogaloo” and tha hole thing just went to sh@t.
Still that public statement almost made my brain shut down.

It’s times like these when I thank god for the unintentional comedy gold mine that is the imdb comments section. It’s where 40 year old cat ladies go to vent their spleens (they are already organizing a boycott of everything Stewart does in the future).