Thursday, December 2, 2010

Today in playwriting class the prof asked everyone to write down the "problem" in the play we've written, "how the problem gets worse," and then some other stuff. Then we had to go around the room and share.

After I said my piece the prof and I had this exchange in which my genius was totally misunderstood.

Prof: Wait, um, can you go back to the problem again?Me: "Lenore is emo because she hates the suburbs"Prof: Uh..what is that...emo?Me: Yeah.Prof: Oh. And then it gets worse because...?Me: "Because she is attacked by a coyote."Prof: Uh huh...gooood. Next?

And then I tried to explain to her how the dad is searching for the dustpan because the broken glass is a symbol for the shattered pieces of the American family. But clearly it just wasn't working out. Maybe I'll be understood a hundred years from now.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Would you like some tips on how to tell people how you enjoyed your thanksgiving break? Now, repeat after me: "yeah, it was fuuuuuuuun, yeah, just kind of, you knowwwww, relaaaaaxed, and ate some good foooood. yeahhhhh, saw my friends from hooooome. it was just really nice. and how about you? you get to relaaaaaaax?"

Be sure to not mention any specifics and move the conversation quickly on to how cold it is outside.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales, enough! Looking at 3 billion different images of your face on Wikipedia is not going to make me donate! In fact, all it's going to do is make me take screenshots of your face and complain about it! Okay?!

Saw this ad in the Village Voice and I knew immediately it was something evil:

"Drop that dreidel and hold on to your latkes. We’re heating up the holidays with Hanukkah’s hottest Hebrew hotties! Our evening of music, laughs and burlesque will keep your dreidel spinning all night long."

After global warming and puppy mills, the nation's top priority must be to DESTROY this show and make sure no human eyes never see it. Oy.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Who had to read this book, The Handbook of Semiotics. I am at the library and this book was on the table when I got here. Here is a random selection:

There are two directions of heuristic influence between the semiotics of language and theory of codes. One is that the linguistic model of the double articulation of language has become paradigmatic for the study of other semiotic systems; the other is that the metaphor of language as a code has led to specific views of language derived from the more general theories of codes and information.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Yeah, I was just gonna say that, like, just going off of what (INTELLIGENT CLASSMATE'S NAME) said, when (MISPRONUNCIATION OF AUTHOR'S NAME) was talking about (IDEA YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND) it reminded me of this book we're reading for my (UNRELATED SUBJECT) class, about the notion of (BUZZWORD). And I just thought it was interesting that, how, it just talks about (LONG AND INCOHERENT EXPLANATION OF ANECDOTE). And so it just relates to that whole idea of like (POOR REPRESENTATION OF THE ACTUAL IDEA BEING DISCUSSED) and (BUZZWORD) and what you said earlier. That's actually kind of what my concentration is about, kind of that intersection of (RANDOM BULLSHIT) and (RANDOM BULLSHIT). And so yeah, so...(RANDOM MUMBLING)....(BUZZWORD)....(MISPRONUNCIATION OF AUTHOR'S NAME)... like just that whole idea.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I picked up this coupon brochure on the way to work this morning and I was so pleased. When I got to the office I definitely waved the brochure in front of everyone's faces and said "Scaaaaaary saaaaaavings." I am the office darling.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

I've had some weird memento mori moments recently and both of them were dumb.

The first occurred in a pet store, obviously. Ashley and I were passing one of these hideous monsters in a tank with some other fish

when all of a sudden it just fucking inhaled this little baby fish! And when he spit it out, the tiny fish had no more head! I was like "Holy shit Ashley, did you see that?! I can't believe we just saw that!" And she was like, "Jordan stop staring at it, God." Then she went to look at the birds. All the while this half a fish was just like floating at the top of the tank and getting blown around by the filter. I was memorized.

The second momento mori moment happened this morning when I was walking to class. I was walking toward Broadway when I heard a very loud thud. When I looked at the intersection, there was a guy flying through the air! It was a biker, and he was in the process of being hit by a fucking TAXI! It literally looked like this except with a taxi instead of a regular car obv:

Instead of dying, the guy just got up off the ground, gave a thumbs up to the cabby and walked away! Meanwhile I was just standing there like "*GASP*" Literally, I think I said something like "JESUS!" I couldn't even help myself. I told people about it when I got to class and they were like, "Fuck, man, wow..." and I was like, "I know!"

Count your blessings everyone. I've counted twice recently. Life is so fragile. You just never know.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Well I guess it's about time that I tell all of you about my double life.

Since the beginning of the summer, I've been writing on another blog. It's called Brother Brother, and I write it with my brother, Caleb. If you want to read it, here's the address:http://bestbrothersforlifelong.blogspot.com/

We'll be updating it pretty regularly. I'll still be posting here too. Enjoy!

2. Which man said the following: "I mean, I can pay for sex! She's got to offer more than that. I want to say to her, 'You are competing with 50 thousand prostitutes in this city, and that's a losing proposition.'"

a) dark man on the leftb) huge white man on the right

3) Which man said the following: "I want her to like me for me."

a) dark man on the leftb) huge white man on the right

The answers are:

1. g2. a3. b4.

So, to recap, these guys talked about sex, gloria steinem, workouts, Billy Graham, fashion, and the gays. The small dark man valued prostitutes more than his girlfriend, and the huge white man was the sensitive one.

When the full moon rises, pre-heat the oven to 350 farenheit. When the clock strikes twelve and the planets align butter the cookie sheet. Cast three incantations then put twelve clumps of dough on the sheet, spaced one inch apart. Wait for the dough (and the dead) to rise.3. Cookies shaped like witches hats

1 witch's hat2 base the shape off of that3 cookies4 children to eat them (1 kid doesn't get one, whichever is fattest he could stand to lose some weight, survival of the fittest after all)

Whichever way you like it. Which witch would you choose? Choose the one which apeals to you. I'm from Wichita. Bake until golden brown. Or black like midnight! Heee hee ehe eheeeee4. Goblin's Gauntlet (Martini)

"I couldn't sleep for days after I read this cook book. i kept thinking that it was going to get me in my sleep or that it would use me for my toes in the stue" - Loser

"This is such a great book. It scared my taste buds off! i especially loved the Dead Man Tar Tarred and feathered. A winner for the whole family! My kids are actually eating proteins!"- Concerned Mother

"Buy this if you want to live. " - Partners in Rhyme

"Don't buy this if you want to die" - Others

Back Cover:

What can't they do? From the makers of the best-selling Partners in Rhyme poetry band, comes this book that will scare you silly! You will love it. They've done it again! Actually it's their first time making a cook book, but you know the one. Or should they call it SPOOK BOOK! They did call it that. And here it is. If you want to read it your'e half way there alreayd! It's mostly picutres! All you have to do now is flip the book over open it and feast your eyes (and your taste buds) on these delightful gems, or shall we say scary gems. Recomended by zero uncool chefs and 30 hot girls (hot ghouls).

I recently visited a dear friend at her home. In the course of this visit I was able to catalog some of her family's precious relics. If you are a cultured person like me you will agree that they are fabulous.

This stunning "Home is where the Hanukkah is" glazed platter promotes traditional Jewish values of family and tradition while appealing to today's hottest pottery styles.

Retail value: priceless

This unique cookie jar, shaped like a dreidel, the four-sided spinning top played with during the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah features a classic design, time-tested for at least a millennium, and is sure to make a splash in any modern Jewish home.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Well, you may or may not know that I am gainfully employed this summer; regardless, I am gainfully employed.

Today I attended a very large, very important division-wide meeting. A very important slide show was presented, and some very important people in the company spoke. It was all very important.

Unfortunately, I did not know what was going on because of some cultural and/or language barriers.

For instance, what is "multi-channel distribution"? And what is a "strategic initiative"? Or how about a "workflow application"?

I was so distressed! Was I supposed to understand "proprietary accounts"? And "revenue drivers"? And "online database reference providers"? Would I ever understand?

Ultimately, I decided I would probably never feel comfortable with those terms. Nor would I ever be happy at a meeting like that one. Not a problem. I prefer words like "squeegee" and "quandary" and "ragamuffin" better anyway. A life under fluorescent lights is not for me. I'm just too silly!

Anyway all, I hope your love reaches your target audiences and that, going forward, your team-oriented approach to inter-connectivity yields organic growth. Also I hope that you are happy and good to everyone.