I overheard a “Dr.”, presumably a psychologist, asking people to sign up for her course on getting over breakups so they could “never have their heart broken again.”

On the spiritual side of things I read quotes like “no one can hurt you” which is a great example of the simplistic, reductive, and one-dimensional misrepresentations of the Wholehuman experience.

The commodification of pop-psychology, self-help, and spirituality have produced “teachers,” “seekers,” and authors that regurgitate misinformation out of the wholehuman context – espousing high-minded ideals at the expense of understanding the relational, developmental, and conditional aspects of being human.

Shares and likes and followers, sellable soundbites, and towing a “spiritual line” seem to be more important than the complex, nuanced, multidimensional, and often messy Truth of human relationships.

On a stripped down basic level we are all trying desperately not to get our hearts broken by other people, by life, and by ourselves. But the fact of the matter is, if we are truly living, open, and vulnerable, embodied and integrated — our hearts will be broken over and over again.

Not only because of the loss of a loved one, or when a dream dies, or when another human being does something hurtful, but because when we are committed to the Truth and seeing our responsibility and in devotion to Love, it is inevitable that we will have to let go of aspects and ideas of ourselves that just don’t work anymore.

And another layer of bullshit to shed or another distortion we can’t take with us can sometimes equal sorrow, heartbreak, grief, and discomfort.

While we are hardwired to avoid these things, they are actually essential to the demonstration and reception of our own love. They are THE access points for deep self-compassion.

I’ve seen time and time again in my own life and with the women I work with, when we embrace the parts of us or the wounds which have been unconsciously running the show, we can tenderly hold ourselves while we simultaneously grieve through letting go.

When we finally show up for our #wholehuman experience without shoving it to the side or calling it “not true” or dismissing it as some irrational “story,” the heart that breaks is the heart that opens and how the LOVE gets in.

All freaking love. All truth

Megyn

Tell me about your own heartbreak in the comments below. I love hearing from my readers!

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Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.

When in relationship to life and as a result other human beings, your soul pulls you toward the maximum growth potential for expansion, love, and union — this is why romantic relationships are such catalysts for change and so intoxicating.

But until we’ve cultivated an intimate, integrated, whole relationship from within, we will (mostly unconsciously) create toxic relationships with people who can’t meet us and who don’t truly love us.

We will chase, pine for, and hold on too tightly to people and circumstances that show us where our self-love gaps are; we will be drawn to mirrors of the potential we’ve yet to discover within.

We will get instant gratification and falling-in-love-highs confused with genuine respect, admiration, and compatibility. We will “fall in love” with how people make us feel as opposed to liking someone in their totality, and then consciously discerning “Does this relationship make sense?” “Is this match truly nourishing?” I know, not the romantic fairytale we’ve all been brainwashed by.

In order to choose people from our wholeness as opposed to our wounds; in order to unconditionally love and see people clearly, without the obstruction of projections, fantasies, and expectations, we must deeply meet, see, and know ourselves. This is the foundation of all true intimacy.

Seeing ourselves is much more than working on mindset, or awareness of our “stories”, or “mastering our thoughts”, it’s an intimate channel with our vulnerabilities; it’s an open, honest, dialogue with our deepest, disowned, wounds, shadows, and soft spots, while practicing radical compassion, acceptance, and responsibility.

This means understanding the feelings and beliefs, which come from old conditioning, that hide underneath the thoughts and the emotions. It means not making ourselves “wrong” or “shifting perspective” or calling our experiences “not true” or “not real,” but an ability to sit with the discomfort of our raw, human, messiness while demonstrating a tenderness perhaps we’ve never experienced before.

This is not to say that choosing a relationship from our wounds is “bad” or “wrong,” but we will perpetually be dancing on the edge of communion with our soul. The purity of our spirit: love, peace, ease, trust, and expansion will always be just out of reach.

Whereas choosing from wholeness doesn’t imply there is no effort involved, or that we won’t feel hopeful, or get disappointed, or have our hearts broken, but the need to cling, chase, or grasp onto what has run its course, or was never a match in the first place falls away as we’ve become more deeply rooted from within.

Choose from wholeness, from the heart, from your wise-woman self and watch the miracles of love unfold.

If you find this concept confusing or aren’t sure if you are loving from your wounds; if you find yourself repeating the same toxic relationship dynamics, this is the work I do with women in private coaching and in the Wholehuman Tribe.

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet while I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Get exclusive love notes and for your eyes only updates, stock my Instagram, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness.

I used to jump to forgiveness before I was ready because all the “gurus” and teachers I was plugged in to were waving spiritual wands and proclaiming “Choose to forgive so you can set yourself free.” But I noticed that the simple mindset shift or decision to engage in forgiveness, never miraculously took the emotional juice away.

Forgiveness is a process and a feeling, not a choice, that take time through intentional healing, processing, and releasing.

Soundbite spirituality and self-help often portray forgiveness as a choice to “set yourself free” or even worse, something that you “already are.” But what most self-help and spiritual axioms are talking about when they speak of forgiveness, is actually releasing.

True forgiveness is a process of acceptance, love, and even gratitude for the transgression, either perpetrated by another or by ourselves.

Therefore, forgiveness is not a thought or an idea that we can just implement because we decide to; because we decide we want to “free ourselves,” or because we want to move on.

Forgiveness is a process of healing whereby we honor, acknowledge, and release all the emotions, feelings, and beliefs brought up in the present moment that have more to do with stored grief material, and wounding from our conditioning (think childhood).

Forgiveness is a “greater understanding” that does not occur instantaneously. It is the end result of a choice to NOT be held hostage by self-judgment, or resentment towards another, and to begin a healing process so we can transcend lessons and grow.

True forgiveness, therefore, requires intention, attention, and time.

Just like the other high-minded spiritual abuses ideals: “you are already love, compassion, peace, and abundance. . . don’t you get it?” these concepts are true on a high-level, but the way in which they are presented is oversimplified, reductive, and does not represent the whole, complicated, messy, multidimensional truth of the human experience.

Humans are relational beings.

Like it or not the conditional, limited, dual-reality of our being here, gifts us with the vehicle to experience the experience of our eternal, love-based Self. Therefore, if we are wounded (we all are) the wounding is on the relational level, and as a result must be addressed and healed within relationship, primarily with ourselves.

The problem with this kind of language, is it dismisses the fact that the person sincerely wanting to create more fulfilling and peaceful lives, has an unconscious map of their world that prevents them from connecting to the compassionate, love-based, “eternal truths” of their nature so they can forgive, understand, and move on easily.

Blindly accessing love or forgiveness, or even simply engaging in a new belief without first reconnecting to and releasing the un-grieved debris or trauma that is re-opened up and festering in the current situation, has a consequence: the spiritual intellectual gets jammed up into his head further, dissociates more, and compartmentalizes away another layer of trauma only to relive the pain over and over again.

The unconscious patterns of recreation show up in our lives when we learn how to take the spiritual “high road,” before we learn how to truly address the core wound or belief.

Without first taking the time to honor, understand and build a bridge back to the fractured, wounded, hurt parts of our humanity, the genuine seeker will at best be muscling his way into feeling what he “thinks” he should believe, and eventually he will be confronted by his own shame, and sense of loneliness from the spiritual self-abandonment inherent in “choosing forgiveness.”

Important side-note, postscript, codicil: I say all of this as someone who forgave a person who I once thought was “unforgivable” and deeply believe that the restorative powers we are all looking for reside not in choosing forgiveness, but in the healing process of self-exploration and self-connection we take to get to forgiveness. For what most deeply lies beneath all of our resentments, hurts, wounds and traumas is essentially shame, therefore the person who is in most need of your forgiveness and compassion is YOU.

+ FREE access to the private #wholehuman Facebook group

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All my love! Thank you for being here!

I respect your privacy and sanity. Unsubscribe at any time. I promise, I will still love you.

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.

A few weeks ago, I felt like an adolescent girl held hostage by hormones: on the verge of crying every few minutes, super tender, for no reason at all.

I. Was. Just. Over. It.

Overworked. Overstretched. Over dead-lined. Overtired. Overexposed.

When a male friend of mine, on a one-cup-of-coffee morning, made a sarcastic, “half-joking” uncool, personal jab. . . instead of feeling centered and grounded and then being able to set a nice boundary, I let him have it. On no uncertain terms, sternly: “Not cool. Don’t do it again!”

Then, he blew up on me.

Like attacked me personally. It was not how I expected it to go.

I thought about how the whole thing went down. Was what I did wrong? Uncalled for? No! Was setting a healthy boundary appropriate? Totally! Could I have handled it mo-better? More lovingly? AB-SO-FREAK-ING-LUTELY!

And, because I am committed to owning my shit, I knew I had to apologize. Not just for him, but for me too.

Within the hour, with uncontrollable tears streaming downing my face I said: “I am sorry! I could have handled that better. I could have said, ‘please don’t say that to me again.’ I understand if you felt attacked.”

I didn’t add any “buts,” no justifications, no pointing the finger back at him. It was just about the fact that I could have been more loving.

I believe he must have felt totally seen and understood because he gave me a big ole’ hug and said: “it’s okay.” In fact, he’s been super tender with me ever since.

Were there issues with the way he handled it? Arguably, many.

But it is not my job to retrain adult men how to deal with their stuff. And thankfully, because I am comfortable with who I am, and I know where my realm of power lies, I was able to comfortably just take responsibility for me.

In my experience, we feel love most profoundly when we are participating in Love purely; when we don’t actually need anything from back from people. This is what is meant by being “whole,” or fully resourced from within: we are our own containers of validation, worth, approval, happiness, and love.

It doesn’t mean we are perfect or don’t have any soft spots, or won’t ever be triggered again. But we are clear that the world is not responsible to provide us with our basic sense of Self. We aren’t relying on other people to make us feel better.

From here, from this kind of self-connection and wholeness, we can be present, and presence always gifts us with clarity and with access to the most loving way to proceed forward.

It is way more empowering to see where we could have acted more in alignment with love as opposed to being stuck in the obsessive rumination of “why we are justified” or “why so-and-so shouldn’t have talked to me that way.”

Own your shit, because I promise, this always feels more loving.

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Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you, as is humanly possible over the internet while I break down overly simplistic, reductive, self-help and spiritual teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my Instagram meanderings, and get access to the Wholehuman™ tribe, a soulful support tribe for real life healing, relationships, and self-love –– with a side of you’re a bad ass, we won’t let you forget it, and maybe some virtual booty dancing.

The original quote I saw was: “Sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through our expectations.”

Sounds enlightened? New-agey-consciously-correct? Right?

But I wholeheartedly disagree with this jargon language. And it’s at the root of most of the confusion within unhealthy relationship dynamics.

All kinds of codependent and abusive relationship dynamics among “spiritual” or “aware” people are perpetuated because this language gets passed around in spiritual memes like it’s above board, and like it makes sense.

And it doesn’t. So why are we pretending it does?

I understand first hand why there is so much misunderstanding. In a past life, I was in a toxic relationship with a “spiritual” man who couldn’t be faithful. When I told him it was a problem for me he said, “your problem is you have expectations. You want things on your timeline”

Yup! No lie!

I get it. EXTREME example. But there is a tendency in this space of “self-help” and “empowerment” for the spiritual intellectual to use concepts like positive thinking, unconditional love, non-resistance, and “no expectations” in order to feel like they are “towing a spiritual line” or to dismiss what is seriously OFF in their relationship dynamics, or to bypass dealing with the feelings of disappointment, or to avoid accountability for the energy they bring into their spaces.

Until we are rooted in our own worth and knowing; until we really trust our Truth and our standards, this kind of language, for the new seeker or someone looking for answers to their relationship difficulties, is a sure fire way to create massive amounts of confusion.

Tell me how long your relationships would last if your partner consistently avoided telling the truth? Wasn’t respectful? Had a hard time with being considerate? Didn’t make time for you? Called their exes and flirted with other people? Told you, your problem is: “you don’t feel loved because it’s your problem.” Seriously, I’ve heard this one gets used a lot.

I am making a point, that sometimes we use spiritual concepts to avoid being accountable and responsible; to avoid dealing with the relational qualities of being in healthy intimacy.

We have to learn how to be healthy, whole, resourced humans, before we learn how to implement high level woo-woo.

+ FREE access to the private #wholehuman Facebook group

with more personal stories, guidance, and coaching.

All my love! Thank you for being here!

I respect your privacy and sanity. Unsubscribe at any time. I promise, I will still love you.

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.

I always wanted to believe that people were as honest, as sincere, and as apologetic as me. And that was the problem – I thought if I owned my stuff then you should own your stuff too. . . and apologize.

So I would allow people to stay in my life past the expiration date of the relationship, past the mutual growth opportunities, and play the role of surprised-victimized-over-giver-door-mat.

Then I got it: Don’t play with, engage, or argue with assholes, people committed to their illusions, or bad-behavior-participators. Ever!

Why? Because assholes never know they are assholes.

So what makes us think that we can make them realize they are behaving badly? Or acting unconsciously? Or being disrespectful? Or behaving with zero awareness of their impact on other people? Or justifying seriously lame, manipulative tactics to get back into our little corner of the world?

Before I understood boundaries, I thought it was my job to get someone to behave in a kind, respectful manner towards me.

I thought I should point out how they were manipulating, or how unloving and uncaring their behavior was – and then I would get an apology.

It only kept me entangled with said asshole. It actually gave the asshole more fuel for their fire because they had an in: they could keep coming back into my life, acting like an unconscious jerk over and over again because the door was always open. When in actuality, I turned into the asshole that had to make sure they knew they were wrong and or get them to rectify their behavior.

In fact, said asshole, if he wasn’t an asshole, would know his behavior was borderline inhumane, disrespectful, manipulative or unkind and would quickly make amends without you nudging them, and they certainly wouldn’t continue to participate in said behavior.

Remaining entangled in depleting relationships or with people committed to their insanity. . . is insanity.

Trying to get someone to see or admit that what they did was wrong then be sorry for it (so we can feel better) is giving away our power.

Think about it like this: would you behave that unkindly? Unconsciously? Probably not.

Because you aren’t an asshole.

My inquiry into my realm of power was a rather stark realization that I was powerless over other people, and that the best thing I could do was accept that said asshole was committed to their behavior and that I was suffocating my spirit and abusing my heart by waiting for them to wake up and NOT want to be an asshole.

When I accepted that I can’t change people, that this was actually codependent behavior, I was honestly relieved.

I could totally release all focus on them and look at my healing responsibility in the situation. I could settle into what I really believed to be good, kind, respectful behavior and then live in integrity with that in my own life, without trying to get everyone else to believe or behave at with the same values and standards.

Translation: I own up to my side of the street and where my power starts and stops, then discern who fits into my life without making it about them, but rather making it about my commitment to myself and my heart.

This is actually when you are most powerful: we heal codependent behavior when we stop relying on other people to make us feel better.

The warning is this, even when you take full responsibility for your side of the street, for said asshole being in your life, and then discern it’s not working anymore without blaming them and then politely explain what is in integrity for you and that it just doesn’t fit any kind of relationship or entanglement with them, said asshole will probably never hear you.

But at least now you can move on without making it about someone else; just stick to your knowing about what is good and right in your life.

Share this with someone who could use some love from you.

All Love, All Truth,

Megyn

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Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you, as is humanly possible over the internet while I break down overly simplistic, reductive, self-help and spiritual teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my Instagram meanderings, and get access to the Wholehuman™ tribe, a bad ass, non-new-age, private Facebook group where we talk about real life self-love, self-awareness, and self-trust.

with more personal stories, guidance, and coaching.

All my love! Thank you for being here!

HELLO BEAUTIFUL SOUL!

Hi I’m Megyn, Spiritual Myth Buster, Truth Teller and Inner Relationship Coach. I breakdown high level self-help and self-love to make it implementable in your everyday life. Stick around, read for a while, I want to blow your life wide open to love, trust, and the mysteries of Grace.