Sunday, December 20, 2009

Temporary manual labor, once thought to be the most secure form of employment, has decreased by 11% this year, according to a report released by the Hiring Occupation Business Observer (HOBO). The report goes on to suggest that this 11% decreased in reported unemployment has trickled over into an 11% increase in unreported back-alley sex labor, including but not limited to:sexual massage; genital stomping; semen ingestion; double-fisted anal penetration; rabbit stuffing (anally); semen ingestion (anally); single-fisted anal penetration; watching the 1st season of “House” on DVD (anally); bringing coupons to a grocery store only to find out that they expired the day before…followed by triple-fisted anal/penile penetration; watching Taylor Swift host SNL (not inherently sexual, just self-degrading, which some people get-off on); and sock-puppet theater (inside someone’s ass).

(Subliminal "Goatse", a common hobo back-alley trick

Temporary manual labor, however, has consistently been a safety net for the unemployed, divorced, homeless or otherwise socially unbound individual. For instance, during the Annual Convention Congress of the Hoboes of America, held on August 8 1894, it was declared that “Always try to find work, even if it is temporary, and always seek out jobs nobody wants. By doing so you not only help a business along, but insure employment should you return to that town again.” However, during the Annual Convention Congress of the Hoboes of America, held on August 8, 2009, it was declared “Does anybody have any spare change? Wait, of course no one does, we’re all hobos…Anyway, as I was saying. Always try to find work, even if it’s temporary, and even if it’s “Things I do in a back-ally to buy alcohol, including but not limited to:sexual foot-massage; genital mutilation; conducting model trains while not wearing shirts (with mutual touching); quadruple-fisted anal/penile penetration; baby stomping; watching an entire season of “How I Met Your Mother” (which isn’t inherently sexual, just self-degrading, which some people get-off on); reading Sarah Palin’s book “Going Rogue” (which is both inherently sexual AND self-degrading); biting the head off of a squirrel; and stamp-collecting (inside someone’s ass).”

Reverse-goatse, a less-subtle back-alley hobo trick

This obvious shift in hobo-attitude over the past century cannot only be blamed on the hobos themselves. Once the pioneers of entrepreneurship and freedom, hobos have become imprisoned by their poverty instead of being empowered by their freedom. According to the HOBO report, this shift in hobo philosophy can be traced back to the Great Depression, where the population of hobos quadrupled, thereby flooding the hobo job market. This led to a dilution of the once proud hobo culture, and ushered in the redefinition of “odd job” from “occasional job” to “occasional job of what I believe to be of a sexual nature but I’m not sure because there is nothing inherently sexual about pooping in a fish-bowl.”
Though the Great Depression eventually ended, the deterioration of the hobo culture did not. Still to this day, finding work as a hobo is harder than ever. Misleading and ironic businesses, such as HOBO (Home Owners Bargain Outlet), Hobo Internet, and the Hungry Hobo (restaurant), further mock the plight of the traveling tramp who’s simply down on his luck. Trashcans now come equipped with hobo-proof lids. People no longer throw their trash on the side of the road, and it’s now illegal to throw away plastic bottles. With all these classic hobo jobs now obsolete, where else can a hobo go to make a quick buck, other than a back-alley?