Woo-hoo, it's blogpoll time! A couple beers, a well-thumbed copy of Phil Steele's guide, and some random conjecture later and the House Rock Built is making its debut splash in the blogpoll. For those of you who don't remember from last year, I have a very, very, very, ridiculously scientific way of determining my preseason top 25. You see, since there's nothing to judge any of these teams on yet, we have to use math, science, astrology, conjecture, heresay, and spreadsheets to come up with something approximately resembling a sensible arrangement of teams. In case you need a refresher on my category names, here's a handy guide that will help you out:

CIVFLYP

Completely Irrelevant Velocity From Last Year's Performance

WLBGB

Won Last Bowl Game Bonus

SAWO

Score At Will Offense

CDG

Casualty from Draft and Graduation

FSDD

Freaky Shut-Down Defense

VCC

Very Compotent Coach

SMFE

Show Me First EscrowA little more complicated stat, these are points I'm purposely withholding from a team until I've taken a look at their performance. Like Mark May, I'm old school Missouri, I demand that you show-me before I give you props. If after a few games, I see that the team has it together, these points will be added into their score.

VQB

Veteran Quarterback

If it's not obvious, this is intended to be a mockery of the convoluted logic that dictates preseason polling. Not to say that I'm not taking this seriously or that this is a joke ballot... it most certainly is not. It's just an exaggerated breakdown of the voodoo math that goes into assigning a preseason rank. By and large, it looks quite a bit like the AP preseason poll, which is probably because about 30 of the writers pay me a hefty royalty to use this very spreadsheet. But let's keep that under wraps. Scouting out any crazines...

Hawaii is #8. Okay, that's crazy. But, to be honest, they really have everything that makes for an attractive preseason team. They have arguably the most battle-tested quarterback in the league, a lot of "completly irrelevant velocity from last year's performance", and that all-important bowl win last year, which somehow is a huge factor for preseason polling. I'm keeping them there... for now.

Auburn gets a boost. Eh. That might mean there's something wrong with me. They were #1 in my preseason poll last year.

No Love for Florida. Come on, coaches poll. #3? I mean, look at this. That's a full half page of lost lettermen. Sure, sure, they've got great depth and recruiting and momentum, but I'll believe it when I see it. I'm holding 15 points in escrow until Urban can show he can pull another rabbit out of his hat.

"Hand", "Sticky Situation", "Gets Off Easy", and "Hookers". Make Your Own Headline

The good news for Darrell Hand? He gets to stay on the football team. The bad news? He still has to pay Frank.

Now there's a head-scratcher. In case you haven't heard already, DT Darrell Hand was officially handed down his punishment today for his, um dramatic re-enactment of "Pretty Woman". The punishment: he gets to stay in school and will miss three football games.

Those of you keeping score at home, that's one semester suspension from school and athletics for having a spliff in your car and 180 minutes of benchwarming for cruising for hookers. You figure that one out.

Anyway, I did my heavy-handed serious piece on the whole situation over at the Fanhouse, so you can go over the gory details and the potential fallout from this decision over there. Here at the HRB, it's all about fun and games and fart jokes, so I'll lay off anything too preachy at this venue. The bottom line, though, is that there are four possible explanations for what happened:

1.) The University magically decided to take a different approach to athlete suspensions and show more care and common sense than in the previous cases, which were brutal by even the strictest standards. They also decided to do this without telling anybody and the day before a football player got busted. Prognosis: Uh, not likely.

2.) Since soliciting a prostitute is not strictly addressed in the parameters of du Lac (the holy parchment for disciplinary action), whereas there is clear verbage on more commonplace malfeasances like smoking a doobie, Hand skated by on a technicality. Let's call it the Farmer Hoggett Exemption: if there's nothing in the holy parchment that specifically forbids it, then it's OK. Prognosis: Uh, also unlikely. I got busted for holding and booking bets on unsanctioned giraffe races on North Quad my sophomore year, and I'm pretty sure there's nothing in du Lac expressly prohibiting that.

3.) The old "selling your soul for football glory" thing...

4.) There's more to this case than we know about, and a thorough review of the case and its circumstances showed that Hand's specific situation was much different than what the headlines will tell you. There is enough exonerating evidence to show no criminal misconduct (i.e., Darrell just told the hooker a dirty knock-knock joke instead of requesting sex for money). Cooler heads prevail and a slap on the wrist is issued.

Please, little baby Jesus, let it be number four. I've always felt that this needed to be done anyway, especially since ResLife (as you students and alumni can undoubtedly confirm) has always had a "shoot first, ask questions later" policy in terms of doling out discipline. If it took the time to hear out the merits of the case and take it for its individual circumstances, well, that would just be a big leap forward for the way student affairs are handled at the dome and a very good sign. At this point, we'll just have to wait and see what more information is released. If we don't hear anything by the time Hand is running around decleating offensive linemen, then popular opinion (and mine as well) will start swaying toward any combination of the other three alternatives.

Ugh. Enough of that. Time for fun and games. My ultra-scientific blogpoll ballot will be released later tonight. In the meantime, be a good Christian and put down the hashpipe and get yourself a streetwalker.

Monday, August 27, 2007

The House Rock Built is Deep Undercover

Well, ladies, it's football season, so it's time for The House Rock Built to emerge from his watery lair at the bottom of the swamp and entertain you kiddos for another fantastic football season. My first assignment? A dangerous secret mission deep in the heart of enemy territory. That's right, clones, The House Rock built is currently holed up in a hotel in none other than Ann Arbor, Michigan. But don't worry, readers, I made sure I was up to date on my immunizations before I stepped foot in this lovely hamlet (she is a whore, you know...)

A routine business trip put your enterprising editor right in the belly of the beast, and so far the subterfuge is going well. So far I've hoisted some pints with mgoblog at the local speak-easy, gave a loving vaffangulo gesture to the Big House as I drove by, impregnated several Wolverine co-eds, and, most importantly, I'm currently in the process of getting my smoking room at the Holiday Inn Express condemned by plowing through three packs of Parliament lights while blogging. I'm doing this for all of you. You're very welcome.

Anyway, so far I've survived. Any requests for specific defacement of the Michigan campus can be made in the comments. I can't promise I'll get to all of them (I can only muster up so many deuces, dammit. I'm not a machine), but I'll give it my best shot.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Posted With Just a Teensy Bit of Comment

All this excitement and teeth-gnashing and what-have-you about Jim Harbaugh's recent world bridge-burning tour with Michigan has inspired me to come out of hibernation and make a mockery of the whole subject. Oh, and maybe profiteer a little bit on the thankless labors of teenagers (hereinafter referred to as "pulling a Michigan"). You see, I think that Jim Harbaugh should put his money where his mouth is and try to impart some change on the system at his alma mater. My first suggestion would be to make a large donation to the University of Michigan earmarked for creating a new study center for athletes to help them get that ever-elusive Michigan diploma. Well, if the only thing keeping him from doing that is the inability to come up with a clever name for the new facility, well worry no more, Jimmy. The House Rock Built's got you covered.

Big 10

The M ZoneSure, they're Michigan fans, but this site cracks my shit up. Besides, what divides us is less significant than what unites us: we're brothers-in-arms in the war against the dastardly, plagarizing ESPN network.

Maize & BrewThe hardest-drinking college football blog on the internet not named House Rock Built.