A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his
presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed
to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
Social Security check, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place
for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person
to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than
28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses
required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is
the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press
buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me

2-- To query a missing payment.

3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.

6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my
computer
is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to
the Authorized Contact.)

8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
7.

9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then
be put
on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While
this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play
for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman)

JUST GOTTA LOVE SENIORS!

so here is Billy Connolly on Retirement

What do retired people do all day?
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop.
I was only in there for about 5 minutes,
when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior
citizen a f***** break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi
turd. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a s---head.. He finished the second ticket and put it
on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20
minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus. I try to have a
little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my
age..........HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going
up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the
garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened
the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people
in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and
stealing from me. "

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock
your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them
now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two
Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd
shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

TrueStory. Once again: Don't mess with old people

As Time Passes . . .

A group of 40 year-old buddies discuss where they should meet for
dinner.

Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthof zum
Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and
nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once
again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is
agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because the
food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed
upon that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because they can
eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once
again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is
agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because the
restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once
again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is
agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because that
would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

thanks once again to Bruno de Bruin for sending 1
& 2, and to Uncle Hermann (aged 87) for the third one