As some of you may know, I work from home most the time. I only have to commute into cesspool city once a week, and for that I am grateful every day.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have shit to complain about on that one day, though.

Significant Other and I normally catch the same train home, which leaves the station a little before 5pm. Recently, the company that runs the trains has instituted a quiet car during commuting hours in the morning and evening on weekdays. It’s only ONE CAR out of the five or six that make up the trains at this time. ONE CAR. And usually the conductor will announce it, but it’s always the same: the first car when heading in to work in the morning, and the last car when heading out in the evening. IT’S NOT THAT FUCKING HARD TO REMEMBER. Especially if you ride the same damn train and sit in the same damn seat every day.

But for some reason, on the train SO and I usually catch, there is a group of teenagers stuck in adult bodies who act like they’re still in goddamned high school. You know the people: they always have to sit in the same seats, they have to save seats for their friends, they will talk THE WHOLE HOUR RIDE HOME, and the rules do not apply to them. If I described that, would you not assume these were teenagers with no regard for others? But no; all of these people are old enough to be my fucking parents.

There is only one fucking quiet car on the train, and I like to sleep on the ride to/from work, because I’m a tired Anger Ball from raging all day. Now, the quiet car is supposed to allow for people to talk, QUIETLY (sensing a theme yet?), but nobody seems to have an indoor voice on this train. SO and I have sometimes caught the train after this one, or even the train AFTER that one, and nobody on those trains seems to have this goddamn problem. Everyone on those trains is quiet or able to talk in a whisper.

NOT THESE ASSHOLES, THOUGH. I know EVERYTHING about their fucking lives. Things that I never needed or wanted to know about ANYBODY. Breaking news: There are at LEAST four other cars you can sit in if you want to talk. GO TO ONE OF THEM, BEFORE I THROW YOU ONTO THE TRACKS.

The worst part is that if SO or I try to get the conductor involved, these people just up their teenage antics. They see us talking to the conductor or calling him/her over, and they immediately shut the fuck up. Then the conductor looks at me like I’m fucking crazy, maybe repeats the announcement that it’s the quiet car, and leaves. THEN THESE ASSHOLES START TALKING AGAIN.

Oh, and apparently sitting right next to the person you want to talk to automatically makes you gay with them or something, because these assholes sit across the aisle from one another, which means they have to talk louder to have a normal conversation.

I’m sorry, but in the fucking quiet car I should not hear your conversation over the noise of the train moving. THAT IS NOT WHAT THE QUIET CAR IS FOR. Let the people who want ACTUAL QUIET enjoy the goddamned quiet car. Don’t just continue sitting in it because those are your seats or some shit. Breaking news: We’re not in high school; there are no fucking assigned seats. GO. SOMEPLACE. ELSE.

The other thing is that on this train, there are about three stops before the first major stop, where most people, including SO and I, disembark. These assholes also get off at that stop. The moment we pull out of the station before our stop, they all stand up, and for some reason decide it’s no longer the quiet car at all. People come up from further back to stand and wait by the door and are talking to people sitting four rows away, over the tops of people who ARE STILL SLEEPING OR TRYING TO READ. BECAUSE THEIR STOP IS NOT THE NEXT ONE. I don’t know, as far as I fucking understand it, the quiet car rules are not “only if the train is in motion” or “only when you feel like being quiet”. THEY ARE FOR THE WHOLE FUCKING TRIP. SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTHS FOR TEN SECONDS. Just because your stop is next doesn’t mean it stops being the quiet car.

I’ve never seen a bunch of adults act so consistently like children. I mean, this happens every goddamned week. The people who appear to have assigned seats (I roll my eyes every time I type that, but it’s true; they sit in the same place every day and save seats for their friends. I want to barf just thinking about it) are generally tolerable, which means I can sleep through their incessant chatter. But the other day there was some asshole talking loudly on his cell phone, although luckily after an announcement from the conductor he put that shit away. I haven’t confronted anyone yet about their intolerable noise, but only because by the end of the day (we don’t have this problem in the morning when everyone is so tired they pass the fuck out) I’m so fucking frustrated from work that I’m worried I won’t be able to control my rage and ask politely but sternly. I’m worried I’ll just curl my hand into a fist and beat all these people to death. So generally I just simmer in my rage until I pass out from exhaustion and wake up just before our stop.

HOWEVER.

That does not make this shit okay, and, as with the movie theater and cell phone use thing, where I hit my limit and now I ask people immediately to put their phones away instead of giving them three strikes, I feel that I’m reaching the breaking point with this, too. The problem, though, is that the noise level is relative to where you are to the people talking. If they’re sitting behind you, they’re going to sound louder than people sitting eight rows away, even if both are speaking at the same volume. So my problem is if I want to tell one pair of assholes to shut up, suddenly I have to get up and tell forty pairs of assholes to shut up, because everyone in that car for the most part is a goddamned child who will say, “Why are you yelling at me when 38750398461 other people are talking?” Well, asshole, if you’re sitting right behind me, I can hear every detail of your pathetic life, whereas I cannot hear all the inane details of the conversation in the back of the train. THIS SEEMS OBVIOUS TO ME, but people are selfish assholes who can’t think of other people for ten goddamned seconds.

Frankly, what the trains SHOULD do is make the quiet car completely quiet. No talking at all, no cell phones at all, nothing. COMPLETE SILENCE. I’m blissing out just imagining this right now. If there are FOUR (or more) other cars in which to talk, at any volume you wish, why can’t we have one for the actual adults who don’t have problems keeping their mouths shut for an hour? Let me tell you, the quiet car is ALWAYS full, too. I’m sure it would be full even if they changed the rule to complete silence. And everyone in that car would be a lot fucking happier if that were the case.

Maybe I’m expecting too much from adults. I mean, I can sit still for a long time, and I don’t have to fill silence with bullshit. But apparently few others are capable of this. I mean, these people who talk for the whole train ride aren’t ever talking about anything interesting or important. Now, look. I don’t think every single conversation has to be profound. But if you’re going to talk for an hour in the quiet car of a train, it better be fucking worthwhile and interesting, because EVERYONE IS GOING TO HEAR IT. I don’t want to hear about your kid’s little league game. I bet your fucking friend doesn’t even really want to hear about it. So shut the fuck up.

But it just blows my mind because it’s not like the entire train is a quiet train. It’s just one fucking car. And yet these people are so oblivious or inconsiderate that they just continue to do this shit every day instead of moving to another car to have their vapid conversations. Like…I just can’t wrap my brain around being that big an asshole.

You would think I’d be used to this shit by now. But people just find new ways to be bigger and bigger assholes every day. I guess once I reach my limit and snap at them all, maybe I’ll finally get a fucking hour of peace and quiet. But more likely, since their maturity level is that of teenagers, I’ll just have to deal with passive-aggressive bullshit instead. Hooray, something else to look forward to!