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Topic: They need to have a sibling (Read 13647 times)

Aaaargh! They're trying to "sell" you on their point of view, don't think you can win when you try to "sell" them on yours ... not impolite of you, but futile.

May I suggest "It's not in the cards for us." If pressed, lie. OK, call it a 'white lie': "Medically, it's not in the cards for us ... I really am uncomfortable talking about it." and refuse to carry the topic any farther.

If you're one of those who insist on only telling the truth, then tell the truth: "I'm not comfortable talking about it." And if that risks offending, so be it.

If the purpose of having me was to provide a playmate for my cousin C - nine months older I was a miserable failure for 16 years.

16 years of meTrying to drown herSlamming her head into concrete pool deckwashing her mouth out with soapThreatening to tell people with both knew embarrassing thingsme showing her up in school

16 years of hertrying to drive my head through a concrete deckher trying to drown meher calling me all sorts of names (the reason for me washing her mouth out)Throwing me down the stairsHer threatening to tell people we had in common all sorts of embarrassing things.Her getting me punished because she took my little sister out on the roof (at least they didn't jump off and try to fly)her showing me up socially (She went to my Prom - I didn't go to my Prom We went to different HS)

Then we had a knock down drag out fight when I was about 16 and she was 17 over my SAT scores and her going to my Prom - decided the whole thing was stupid, went down told the family to stop comparing us, went to a movie and have been best friends ever since.

What does hating your cousin have to do with people being told their child needs a sibling?

My ex was an only child. He's one of the most friendly, gregarious people I know, there's no way being an only child stunted him socially. Although he'd occasionally be a bit wistful about all my siblings, then he'd remember how one of my sisters and I have nothing but bad things to say to and about each other. There's no guarantee siblings will like each other let alone be willing playmates.

What does hating your cousin have to do with people being told their child needs a sibling?

My ex was an only child. He's one of the most friendly, gregarious people I know, there's no way being an only child stunted him socially. Although he'd occasionally be a bit wistful about all my siblings, then he'd remember how one of my sisters and I have nothing but bad things to say to and about each other. There's no guarantee siblings will like each other let alone be willing playmates.

She's offering her own experiences to show that being born close in age together does not mean that kids will become playmates for one another - and others in the thread have posted that they have been told they need to provide cousins for their nieces and nephews to play with.

My friend Amy has fond memories of playing with her same-aged cousins and kids of her parents' friends. Which is great when that works out. But it seems weird to me to purposefully try to manufacture that situation, straight from conception. I remember being at her house shortly after she was married, and another married friend of hers was there, and Amy said, "It would be great if we had kids around the same time, so they could play together!"

But it wasn't so much, "it would be great if the stars aligned and this happened," it was more like, "are you interested in coordinating such a thing." I guess asking is better than assuming or demanding, but the concept of "coordination" had never occurred to me before and I was kind of like, . The other woman handled it very tactfully (basically NO) and then bean-dipped.

Plus, yeah, there's absolutely no guarantee that the kids (siblings, cousins, friends' kids) will actually get along. For contrary children like me, knowing that I was "supposed" to get along with someone would actually nudge me in the opposite direction.

I remember when I first got pregnant with my first child, my then best friend also happened to get pregnant at the same time and our due dates were a few days apart. A relative of hers asked us "Did you plan this?!!"

I was shocked that she was serious. My friend and I were close, but I could not imagine that she and I and our husbands would be at dinner one night and say "Ok, look at the calendar, find when both women are going to ovulate around the same time and let's all get busy during that week without contraception."

It just blew my mind that that was something that anyone would think we would do.

I thought that was just one person's odd question. It never occurred to me that other people might purposely do that.

It just seems like a lot of pressure. What if one miscarries? What if one gets pregnant more easily? It's like a race and competition, but with human lives and human bodies. It just has the potential to be so painful when it doesn't all go "according to plan."

I remember when I first got pregnant with my first child, my then best friend also happened to get pregnant at the same time and our due dates were a few days apart. A relative of hers asked us "Did you plan this?!!"

<snip>

Two stories: 1) Two guys who were best friends in college, got married within a month of each other, and announced that they and their spouses were pregnant within a week of each other. They and their spouses were together with a mutual friend, who commented on this and said "Do you guys do everything together?" There was a milisecond's silence as everyone realized the multiple meanings of that question. Then, there was much laughter.

2) I know of a set of identical twins who married sisters. There was a year's gap between the weddings, due to the ages of the sisters, but the first two children for each couple arrived much at the same time (a month apart for the first, six weeks for the second). I sometimes wonder how much genetics has to do with that, and how much it has to do with the amount of time they spend together.

In neither event, insofar as I can tell, was there planning. And I cannot picture anyone asking that question in all seriousness.

We have one DD, and it's very possible she'll be an only. While we still hope to have another, we're fine with a single child. Imagine how "spoiled" she's going to be if we don't have to wait for a younger sib to be old enough to do whatever activities she wants to do!

Even so, I've gotten a few questions and comments about having another, and do I hope it's a boy this time, or we need a boy to balance things out... Only from people who don't know we've been trying unsuccessfully for a few years, so whatever - they're obviously not close enough to know that kind of personal information, so their opinions really have no impact on me. I consider it just the generic stuff near-strangers say to make conversation. But then again I've never had anyone close to me try to push a birthing agenda on me so I don't know what I would say to that!

FWIW, I wanted a summer baby - DD was born in November. I thought 2-3 years' gap between sibs was "optimal," and at this point it would be at least 4 years and counting. I didn't want to be almost 40 years old with a newborn... ha ha

While I tend to keep my thoughts about my reproductive system pretty close to the chest, DH has no such compunction, and speaks freely about the fact that DS will probably be an only child. We are both open to the fact that our minds may change, but as of now, we have no plans for another kid.

I have been amazed at how many people think it's their business to tell us what they think about only children. I actually had one of DH's friend seek me out at a New Year's party to tell me that I was setting my (as yet not even conceived) child up for failure in life if I did not provide him with at least 1 sibling.

Now that DS is here (4 months old), SIL has decided that, since we have said there will probably be no siblings, she has to start having children immediately so that her children can be close in age to DS. I feel like that's silly, and I really do not want to be in any way, shape, or form, even remotely responsible for SIL possibly having children earlier than she's ready to just because she thinks it's important for her kids to have a cousin close in age (obviously I have no control over what she does, and if she wants children now, that's fine, but don't tell me it's because of how old my baby is in comparison!).

So the reason to have a baby is to give your child a playmate? Not computing! Just because they are cousins, that doesn't make it an automatic BFF playmate confidant. They may not get along or they may be as different as night and day. I don't understand why people assume blood relations automatically mean they will be close.

Exactly! What I find especially funny about this is that DH and SIL each have a cousin who is of the same gender, and born within 1 month of them, so pretty much exactly the same age...and while they were forced to play together as children, they can't stand each other now as adults.

We have one DD, and it's very possible she'll be an only. While we still hope to have another, we're fine with a single child. Imagine how "spoiled" she's going to be if we don't have to wait for a younger sib to be old enough to do whatever activities she wants to do!

Even so, I've gotten a few questions and comments about having another, and do I hope it's a boy this time, or we need a boy to balance things out... Only from people who don't know we've been trying unsuccessfully for a few years, so whatever - they're obviously not close enough to know that kind of personal information, so their opinions really have no impact on me. I consider it just the generic stuff near-strangers say to make conversation. But then again I've never had anyone close to me try to push a birthing agenda on me so I don't know what I would say to that!

FWIW, I wanted a summer baby - DD was born in November. I thought 2-3 years' gap between sibs was "optimal," and at this point it would be at least 4 years and counting. I didn't want to be almost 40 years old with a newborn... ha ha

I had my first, who was quite a surprise after being told we would not be able to have kids, when I was 29. We were fine with an only child, but my exLDH's family was not. It got to the point I thought his mother was going to march us off to the bedroom and demand we reproduce RIGHT NOW! I am glad we only had one as we split up when she was 16 months and being a single parent of one was difficult enough. So 6 years go by and I meet the love of my life and we are going along happily with my DD and his DD and DS for 4 years, then BAM, at 40, I became a mom again. Then the comments started about how there was too big an age difference (11 years and 4 days to be exact) and it is a shame my kids are still like only children , and I just wanted to scream and say Can my uterus ever do anything to please you busybodies???!!!!

My best friend and my husband's best friend (whom he was been friends with since 2nd grade) are getting married.

DH's best friend thinks it would be the best thing ever if we all have kids around the same time. He is actually hoping one of us will have a boy, and the other will have a girl, and then they can grow up together and get married and have kids and make us officially "family".

I told him it's a nice thought, but the odds of us having kids around the same time, that are opposite gendered, and who will fall in love and get married are very slim indeed.

We have one DD, and it's very possible she'll be an only. While we still hope to have another, we're fine with a single child. Imagine how "spoiled" she's going to be if we don't have to wait for a younger sib to be old enough to do whatever activities she wants to do!

Even so, I've gotten a few questions and comments about having another, and do I hope it's a boy this time, or we need a boy to balance things out... Only from people who don't know we've been trying unsuccessfully for a few years, so whatever - they're obviously not close enough to know that kind of personal information, so their opinions really have no impact on me. I consider it just the generic stuff near-strangers say to make conversation. But then again I've never had anyone close to me try to push a birthing agenda on me so I don't know what I would say to that!

FWIW, I wanted a summer baby - DD was born in November. I thought 2-3 years' gap between sibs was "optimal," and at this point it would be at least 4 years and counting. I didn't want to be almost 40 years old with a newborn... ha ha

I had my first, who was quite a surprise after being told we would not be able to have kids, when I was 29. We were fine with an only child, but my exLDH's family was not. It got to the point I thought his mother was going to march us off to the bedroom and demand we reproduce RIGHT NOW! I am glad we only had one as we split up when she was 16 months and being a single parent of one was difficult enough. So 6 years go by and I meet the love of my life and we are going along happily with my DD and his DD and DS for 4 years, then BAM, at 40, I became a mom again. Then the comments started about how there was too big an age difference (11 years and 4 days to be exact) and it is a shame my kids are still like only children, and I just wanted to scream and say Can my uterus ever do anything to please you busybodies???!!!!

The part I bolded reminds me of a book I once read called Birth Order. The author talks about how one's birth order often affects their personality, but that kids born many years after another sibling are a lot more like a first/only child than a younger sibling.