I started feeling really brave this weekend about welcoming you into the world. Looking at boy things is still a little hard, so I mostly looked at girl things yesterday, but I felt like it was a pretty big step. I looked at crib sheets, and a few outfits, and I was even okay to flip through the small Carter’s catalog that came to our house. If you are a boy, then I will eventually be okay to look at boy things, but maybe not right away. There are lots of fun girl things for if you are a girl, though!

I can’t believe we find out in at most nine days whether you are a little boy or girl. I know we were planning to wait until we were seventeen weeks, which would mean we’d still have 21 days, but that’s hardly anything! We leave for Disney World in 17 days, and then we get to announce you to the world! I’m so excited to go on a vacation with just your dad, and to take you on your first Disney trip! We’ll do all sorts of fun things and eat all the best food, since I can’t go on any of the big rides.

Little bean, we love you so much! I will do my best to keep you safe. We’ll see you soon!

May 10, 2017

Oh little bean.

Let me tell you all of the excitement we’ve had in the past 48 hours. When I woke up yesterday morning, I stood up to go to the bathroom, and felt some liquid go into my underwear. It felt like kind of a lot, so I woke up your dad and told him we needed to go to the emergency room. We went, and waited for a million, trillion years, and finally got an ultrasound, where they said your fluid levels looked good, and we concluded that basically I had just peed a little. Welcome to pregnancy. It’s magical.

After I got back to the room, the doctor came in with the nurses and said you looked fine for now, but that there was something else they needed to tell us. They said that you have cystic hygroma, which (we were told yesterday) was abnormal growth on the brain, that may or may not be fatal. So essentially, there was a good chance we would lose you at some point. I went home kind of disbelief, but not the same kind of disbelief I had when we lost your brother. Yesterday it was more of, no, that doesn’t feel right, the baby is fine. I just didn’t feel like there was anything wrong, whereas with Carter, I think we kind of knew the whole time that it wasn’t going to end well.

I did a really good thing and stayed off google all day. I came to work, didn’t focus on it too much, and then had daddy’s friend from work come give me a blessing. But I was kind of terrified, because in the ER I had asked the doctor, does the baby have it, or is it just that the baby may have it, and he said that you for sure did. He talked to Dr. Chavez, who said he wanted to see me today, so I called and made an appointment for this morning. It was a long night and morning, waiting to see the doctor, but I’m so glad we were able to get in early this morning.

This guy is a saint, baby H, let me tell you.

The first thing he said when he came in was that he almost called me to see how I was doing. That’s a big deal. Not a lot of doctors would care so much to call their patients on the day they aren’t in the office. Next, he asked what the ER doctor had told us, and told us that what the guy said was not entirely accurate. It’s not a growth on the brain, it is abnormal swelling of the lymphatic system, and it’s not always fatal. It can be, but it can also be a sign of Down Syndrome, Turner Syndrome, or some other syndrome. The only way we will know if it is a syndrome is by waiting to get our genetic test results back, which should hopefully be within the next week. If the test results do show something, then we will just have to go from there. If they don’t, he’ll send us to a specialist for an ultrasound, and see what they can find.

Dr. Chavez said he was very frustrated with the report the radiologist sent in. The radiologist didn’t specify where the abnormality was, or how big it was, only that it was there. He was frustrated, because we just had an ultrasound a week ago, and he didn’t see anything abnormal then, so whatever the radiologist saw should have been laid out more clearly, rather than just saying that you have cystic hygroma and leaving it at that. I (conveniently) drank 32 ounces of water 45 minutes before the appointment and didn’t use the bathroom, so we asked him if he wanted to do an ultrasound, and he said yes. He took us in and started looking, and still seemed frustrated. Finally, he said “so if I’m really looking for it, I could see how they would think this little fluid buildup could be something. It’s a stretch, but I could seem them thinking that was something.” He measured it, and it only measured about 1 centimeter, which is good. If it is really a cystic hygroma, and it was closer to 5 centimeters, then we would have to have a really hard conversation about what to do with you. If it is 2 or less, then there are other things that could be done or (if it’s not chromosomal) it could possibly go away. So I was happy that it wasn’t huge, but even happier that he kind of seemed to think the radiologist was off his rocker. He said multiple times that the radiologist is not a fetal radiologist, and is definitely not a high risk fetal radiologist, so there’s a chance the guy didn’t really know what he was talking about. He said, had Dr. Hutchison looked at the ultrasound and concluded that, he would have been more likely to believe it, but even then, Dr. Hutchison is the one who thought areas of Carter’s heart looked enlarged last year, and they weren’t.

Don’t get me wrong, little bean. I am still scared that this could end badly. I am absolutely terrified to lose you. If you have down syndrome, I don’t care! I just want you to be here and healthy so I can kiss your little face all over. But you and I had a lot of good talks before you got here (if you are who I think you are, anyway) and I don’t see this, the complications or any syndrome, in the cards for us. I just really don’t. I feel really good about you and this whole pregnancy, so I think it will be okay.

It has been an exciting few days, that’s for sure! But we are fourteen weeks pregnant today, and you are growing and moving so much! You are a wiggly little thing, just like your brother. I’m trying to eat healthy and exercise for your sake, but the doctor said to eat more ice cream, so I guess I just have to follow orders. We’re excited to get the test results back, so we can know if you are a little girl or boy, and to find out if we’ll be blessed with a different kind of parenthood (other than the different kind we are already living). Stay safe little bean, we love you so so much!!

How far along? : Fourteen weeks!!! So dang excited!!!Baby is the size of: a peach!Total weight gain/loss: Who cares!! But uh...still like four pounds. I definitely have a belly though..Sleep: Sleep shmeep. Who needs it. Actually, me, that’s who. Not super tired, but not sleeping well still!Best moment this week: Seeing you two times! You’re so wiggly and cute. And stubborn!! Roll over so we can see your face, for Pete’s sake!Movement: Yes!! Just barely, but it’s so wonderful.Symptoms: None, really. Still sensitive to all the smells, but that’s it!Food cravings: Cookies and subway!Food aversions: Anything super smellyWhat I miss: Carter, working out hard, and having a naive and easy pregnancy.What I am looking forward to: getting these dang test results back so we can know all the things!