On February 18th, 2011, our lives were changed forever when our son Christian Taylor Buchanan entered the world. He was born with a bilateral cleft palate and lip and almost completely blind. This blog is the story of his life, the joys we share, the challenges we encounter, and the amazing and trying journey ahead of our family!

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Christian Taylor Buchanan

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Just The Way You Are - Disability Etiquette

Quite
often, I am approached in public about Christian. People ask questions and they
want to know more about him, about his condition, and about his abilities.
Sometimes when I get approached, people apologize for being intrusive, or they
ask me if I mind them asking questions. And many times, when young children
approach Christian, they ask questions that make their parents feel very
uncomfortable! I have received many apologies from embarrassed parents. But
honestly, I don’t mind.

Most adults who ask do so because they are
concerned, because they see an innocent little baby, and I think they just want
to know that he is ok. Once I tell them how healthy he is, and they see him
smile, the questions turn into conversations about my amazing son! And
children, well, they are just being kids! Curious, intrigued, and confused. One
little girl, no older than three, saw Christian one day and walked right up to
me and said “What happen?” I have done this plenty of times, so I didn’t have
to think about my reply, “He was born like this, Sweetie.” So then she asks,
“He a baby?” And I explained that yes, he was a baby, he was my son. Then she
pointed at his eyes and said, “I no like that!” Her mom’s eyes got big and her
face turned beet red. I said, “No? Me either! It’s not fun!” and I smiled at
her. That was all the information she needed. She walked away and began
playing.

Many people feel uncomfortable
asking questions about Christian or talking to him when they first meet him.
Many will look, but avoid conversation at all costs. And in all honesty, it is
just because they don’t want to hurt my feelings or they just don’t know what
to say. I want others to understand that approaching me is exactly the same as
approaching any other mom out there who has her baby in tow. I am a proud mama,
I love my son, and I will be glad to share him with anyone who wants to know
more about him!

Tndisability.org has a piece on its
website about “Disability Etiquette.” The whole concept is to teach others how
to approach someone with a disability. Someone with a disability does not want
to excluded from life because others are afraid, so this site gives suggestions
on how to shake that uneasy feeling that so many people get when they are
around a person with a disability.

The
very first page reads, “Remember: a person with a disability is a person with
feelings. Treat him or her as you would want to be treated, and then let common
sense and friendship break down any barriers you may encounter.”

The
site offers suggestions on how to approach persons with all different types of
disabilities, and I urge everyone to read each one, but for sake of space, I
want to share with you the standards they put out that apply to all.

1.A handshake is not a standard greeting for everyone. When in
doubt, ask! A smile and a spoken greeting can go a long way! Some people may
not be physically able to shake your hand, or they may just be uncomfortable
with it.

2.Speak directly to the person with the disability. Sometimes
we feel more comfortable talking to those accompanying him or her. But it is ok
to speak to the person. I enjoy when people talk to Christian. It makes me feel
like they recognize him as a person, and I am sure others would feel the same.

3.Don’t mention the person’s disability unless they bring it
up first. I’m kind of torn on this one. I don’t mind when people bring it up to
me, but there is a proper way to do it. “What’s wrong with your kid?” is
obviously not appropriate, but when it doubt, this rule is probably the best
way to go.

4.Treat adults as adults. I will add to this, treat children
as children, and don’t treat anyone differently!

5.Be patient and give someone your undivided attention. This
is important to someone who may speak slowly or with great effort.

6.Don’t pretend that you understand what the person is saying
if you don’t. Simply ask them to repeat or rephrase. I know a mother whose son
speaks sign language. He speaks some as he signs but he is hard to understand. She told me once
that most people just laugh and kind of “agree” with whatever he says because
they can’t understand him. Not only does it aggravate her, but she informed me
that her son thought people who did that were just flat out being dumb!

7.It is ok to use common expressions like “See you soon” or
“I’d better run along.” When Christian was first born, a good friend of mine
from another state called me to ask about Christian and she asked what color
Christian’s eyes were. Immediately she realized what she had said and started
apologizing. She was almost in tears because she was afraid that she had upset
me, because we don’t know what color Christian’s eyes would be. But it didn’t
offend me. I know that it is just one of those things that you ask when a baby
is born, and it doesn’t bother me. It also doesn’t bother me when people say
things like, “Christian! Look here!” or play peek-a-boo with him. He actually
likes playing peek-a-boo!

8.Relax! We all make mistakes. Apologize if you forget some
courtesy. Have a sense of humor and a willingness to communicate.

There
may always be that one person who gets upset no matter what you say, but I
promise you, follow these guidelines and you will be fine. And by all means,
approach a person with a disability! Talk to them. Treat them as what they are:
a human being, someone worth getting to know, and a creation of the Almighty.

3 comments:

I just saw your video and I am so inspired by your stregnth and love. I felt an immediate connection with you as I had a baby boy on February 18, 2010 (also knowing that my son had severe problems). Kyle only lived for 11 days but those 11 days truly were a miracle as he wasn't even expected to survive his birth. I am so blessed that I got to meet him. You can read our story:http://teacuptalkwithellie.blogspot.com/2012/02/evaluative-month-of-february-blog-3.htmlMuch love and blessings to you and your family!Kim Callahan

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About Me

I am a Christian, mother, wife, daughter, aunt, sister, and friend to some amazing people. I am a student at Nashville School of Law. I work at a daycare. I am passionate about disability advocacy and education.