failing upward

what it’s like to be afraid of a blog.

I mentioned yesterday that I took a three-month blogging hiatus for personal reasons. While I don’t want to go into all of them, I will say that a big part of my problem was that I was just plain scared of my blog.

Which is super dumb because my blog can’t, like, hurt me or anything. For crying out loud it isn’t even a tangible thing. And I created it. But regardless, I was (and am still a little bit) afraid of it.

So. What’s does it look like to be afraid of a blog?

1. A blank draft page shuts down all of your brain cells.

I never realized how much power a set of HTML code could have over a person until I tried to blog and the mere sight of a blank draft paralyzed me. What once came so naturally to me — stringing words together to form coherent thoughts — was suddenly impossible. I would get a blog idea, open my dashboard, see the blank page, and then…

2. This leads you to believe your blog will steal your other powers.

First writing, then what? Speaking? Spelling? Breathing? I wasn’t sure how far my blog was going to go, so I felt it was best to play it safe and keep my blog at a distance. I can’t afford to have my blog shut down my lungs on top of my brain, too. That would surely kill me.

3. You forget that you ever blogged in the first place.

I would have conversations with my friends about their lives, and they would casually mention the blogs they follow or their Bloglovin’ feeds or whatever. And I would nod along stupidly, drool a little bit, and then utter something along the lines of:

“Blogs haha wow blogs those are cool blogs what is a blog can you tell me more about your internets.”

4. You admit defeat.

Your WordPress app’s dormancy then defines your blog’s (and your, by extension) state of life. Blog post ideas float into your head and so quickly out, because your brain’s muscles have atrophied from months of non-use. Your future flashes before your eyes and you see yourself explaining to your grandchildren, “I had a blog once…oh yes, your grandmother knew how to blog. And then one day… it just…left.”

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The thing that sucked the most about being afraid of my blog was that I was afraid of something that was so inherently me. Without getting too psycho-babbly, that’s fodder for a chaise lounge and a paid professional, right? Like being afraid of my blog made me afraid of a little part of myself.

And that reminded me of the reason I started blogging in the first place — because I can’t afford therapy.

So, I diagnosed myself in need of some therapy and got back on the horse. And here we are.