Blog

I just realized I've been so behind on posting this month. This month has been a doozie. The last post I published was in the aftermath of the election and let me tell you, that wound is still open. It's been hard to function, to go about everyday life, and find hope to carry on. This was especially hard for my bachelorette party which had been planned for months to occur on the weekend after the election. In my ideal mind, we would be celebrating my upcoming nuptials as well as the election of the first woman present. It was like I had been holding my breath for three months and I was hoping I'd finally be able to feel some relief and de-stress with my best friends.

Asking for help is something no one ever wants to do. Especially when it comes to addiction. For me, it has always been hard to ask for help. My ego has always been in the way. Growing up I was scared I would look stupid in school if I asked questions everyone already knew the answer to. It was one of my biggest fears and it led to me getting behind in some subjects because I wouldn't speak up when I didn't understand. I was terrified of looking and feeling stupid because then I would believe that I really was stupid.

This week I had the pleasure of attending the Moments of Change conference that comes to Palm Beach, Florida each year via the Foundations Recovery Network. I arrived at the beautiful Breakers Resort on Sunday and stayed until Tuesday. I've attended in past years and always look forward to listening, learning, and networking with people in in the treatment and recovery industry.

Did you know that during the first four months of this blog's existence I was too scared to write a post about sobriety? You can go back to the beginning and see for yourself. Even though the name of this blog was always Sober Señorita, I wasn't sure how to go about addressing the "sober" part. For the first few months, I concentrated on the señorita part, talking about my life in Cancun, my experiences living as an American girl in Mexico, and how very different it all was. If I'm honest I didn't talk about my sobriety because, 1. I wasn't 100 percent positive I was going to stay sober and 2. I didn't know what to say about it.

At the end of this week I was in Orlando for work and had planned my trip around an event hosted by Advanced Recovery Systems. The event was the screening of a new film by Greg Williams called Generation Found. Just a little background, Greg Williams is the man behind the amazing film The Anonymous People, a film about the addiction epidemic that is currently plaguing the U.S. That film also encouraged everyone in recovery to openly tell their story.

After a few conversations last week with fellow sober women including my sponsee, I got to thinking, there are some absurd things that keep me sober. There are a lot of things that keep me sober: my recovery program, exercise, my health, my relationship, and being an aunt to my nephews, just to name a few. But the following reasons are somewhat untraditional and it’s possible not everyone can relate. In sobriety everyone has their own story, that’s what makes it so important that everyone shares their experience, strength, and hope. On some days here are the absurd things that keep me sober.

Reading literally saved my life. What do I mean by that? I mean when I got sober in 2013 I had a lot of time to myself and the internet was my friend. I read addiction and recovery information, blogs, memoirs, and any other kind of book I could get on my kindle while living in Cancun. I still read as much as I can, but I hardly give reading the attention it deserves on this blog. But that’s going to change. I want to share with all of you books that have made an impact on my life, ones that I couldn’t put down, and ones that I simply enjoyed.

Every time I get to spend a few hours alone with my significant other I am reminded of just how lucky I am he is mine. Although we share a house and a bed, and both work from home, Fer and I very much have our own lives and enjoy our own space. That’s why we make it mandatory to have at least one date night per week where we aren’t allowed to touch our cell phones for a certain period of time (this is admittedly hard for me haha). As our hot, steamy end of date night winded down on Tuesday night, we were both giddy, laughing, and talking. We had just completed our bedtime rituals – face washing, tooth brushing, face cream, etc. As I lay my head down next to Fer I ran my tongue along my squeaky clean, freshly washed teeth. My mouth tasted like mint and my lips had just been applied Chapstick. I turned to Fer and I said, “You know what I love about sobriety?” He looked at me and said, “What?” “Brushing my teeth,” I said. Fer scrunched up his face, laughed and said, “I know! Never having that gross taste of alcohol in your mouth anymore?” He always knows just what I mean. “YES!” I said.

Have you ever woken up in a panic unsure if what you were just dreaming was actually real or not? Sometimes our dreams can be so lucid it's downright scary. Even more so, when these dreams include drinking or using drugs. Chances are if you're sober, you've already experienced a drunk dream. When I got sober I had no idea what a drunk dream was and it took me months to figure out that was what they were called. Their frequency at the beginning of my sobriety was much higher than it is now. So, what is a drunk dream? Why do they happen and what do they mean? Unfortunately, these traumatizing experiences are a normal part of sobriety. But armed with information, we can expect that this is a part of our healing process on the journey of recovery.

In the wake of the horrific Orlando shooting that occurred on June 12, I had to take a step back and analyze my feelings about this situation. I'm not exaggerating when I say it almost ruined my trip. I was in Cancun that weekend meeting with my wedding planner, my florist, and doing fun stuff like tasting hors d'oeuvres and seeing the terrace where my wedding reception will take place. It just didn't feel right having fun and doing these seemingly unimportant tasks while so many people and families were suffering. Once again we're left with a mass shooting, this one the most deadly ever to have occurred in the U.S.

Today I am 31 years young 31 years ago my fearless and courageous mother gave birth to her second and last child. She tells me she knew I would be the crazy one. Shortly after I learned to walk I began to teach my older sister how to do mischievous things, like open the toilet seat lid and play in the water. Another time my mom was running a bath for me and I snuck into the bathroom and turned the knobs to scalding hot, then proceeded to put my feet in, burning myself and screaming bloody murder. At the grocery store I would run down the aisles away from my mom, laughing my ass off, thinking it was hilarious she couldn't catch me and didn't know where I was.

I talk about my relationship with my significant other often. I've written countless posts about our love, where we came from and where we are now. I've received many messages, questions, and comments about my relationship with Fer and how we've made it through all the dark times and still have such a strong bond. I've been told that it must have been easier for me to get sober because I had Fer to lean on and help me through it. It's also been difficult for me to give advice about dating in early sobriety, or really dating at all, because I never had to do it since becoming sober. I'm often told I don't understand what it's like to be alone in early sobriety, to be heartbroken, or to have to not date anyone in the first year like so many recovery groups recommend. I share my experience as much as I can and give advice where I can too, but they're right, I don't know what it's like to be without my partner in sobriety. I also don't know what it's like to date someone new and explain to them my past, why I'm sober, and interview them about their drinking habits too. It must be incredibly hard. What I do know about is what kind of relationship works for me.

Last year I wrote about an important event called the Heroes in Recovery 6k. I completed the race in South Florida and was able to share my story of recovery while I was there. It was later published on their website. The Heroes in Recovery 6k was emotional for me last year. It was the first race I ran for recovery. It was the first race I ran that I really felt was for me. That I was part of these 23 million people who thrive in recovery, that we really are completing heroic acts, just by living in recovery from our addictions. I was amongst my people and running that race with the support of my sister and brother-in-law really moved me. I suppose it will be just as emotional for me this year. This year I am 3 years sober and in a little better shape physically (last year I was just coming back from my knee surgery!)

This week Fer and I celebrated our 4 year anniversary. I love this time of year because there are so many great moments that come about all in a row - my soberversary, our anniversary, and my birthday in a few more weeks. This year we went out for a romantic dinner and during our quiet time together we really reflected on how far we've come in 4 years. We got to talking about how different our relationship was at the beginning - toxic, argumentative, and plagued by drugs and alcohol, jealousy, and anger. In particular, Fer brought up one incident that still haunts both of us today. You may be familiar with the before and after photo that's on my homepage where I have a bandage over my nose. In August of 2012 after a long night of drinking, Fer and I found ourselves in a place we frequented often, an after hours nightclub in the hotel zone of Cancun.

Three years ago today I sat in the Punta Cana, Dominican Republic Airport, alone, weeping, sweating, and with my head pounding. I was emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained. I was so tired of what my life had become. I didn't recognize myself or my life. I'll never really know why that day was the day that my life changed forever, but I know that something inside me shifted that day. Looking back I know it was the culmination of years of binge drinking and abusing my body. It was the the final straw in years of blackouts, tumultuous relationships, and self-loathing. I knew that it couldn't be all there was. I knew deep down inside drinking wasn't fun for me anymore and that it was the only thing that, year after year, kept making my life more chaotic. I knew there had to be more to life than tequila shots, cocaine bumps, and weaseling my way into the VIP section of the nightclubs in Cancun. I wanted so desperately to have a normal life - to sleep peacefully, not pass out, to travel without incorporating a hangover into my plans, to be able to spend time with my family without worrying about what time I could get away and go to the bar.

Last weekend a wonderful friend of mine got married to her one and only. I was invited to be a part of her wedding party as a bridesmaid, and Fer and I were invited to join the wedding guests on the cruise that followed the wedding. We love any excuse to travel so of course we said yes to the cruise. The wedding was held aboard the Carnival Conquest at Port Everglades in Fort Lauderdale and the ship took off shortly after the reception ended.

Micaiah Bilger - "Writer" for Life News - Anti-woman/Anti-Abortion Website Last week I published an article on Ravishly about my abortion that I had 6 months before I got sober in 2012. I wrote straight from the heart on how this procedure was the turning point in my life, leading me to sobriety, and ultimately changing my life forever. I did this for many reasons. One, because writing is therapeutic for me, two because in living my most authentic life I must tell my stories, and three, to normalize a procedure that 1 in 3 women gets in her lifetime, showing the incredible importance of a woman's right to choose. My abortion was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make and I wouldn't wish that decision on anyone. However, it's important for women like me to tell our stories because in a time like now where Republican lawmakers are restricting access to abortion, our world can quickly become a very dangerous place for women - one like my mother saw when she was growing up, where abortion was illegal and women resorted to throwing themselves down the stairs or using a coat hanger to give themselves an abortion.

For me, employment has always been about making money and getting by. During my drinking years I knew I needed a job to pay for things like rent, booze, and drugs, and to convince my friends and family that my life was manageable. I never really gave thought to my future, my "career," or what kind of job would actually make me happy. It wasn't until I randomly got my first writing job in Cancun from friends I used to party with, that I discovered something I really like and thought I might be good at. Add in social media and I thought I really had something I could do for a long time. Writing turned into blogging at a tourism job, and then I created this blog. From this blog sprouted so many opportunities.

"Fun" - double fisting at a concert with a million other people. A little over a week ago I received a detailed message from one of my readers about reaching two years of sobriety and feeling, well, kind of blah. She expressed that she felt that she was finally coming down off the "pink cloud" and that she had been thinking a lot about her former drinking life. She said she is grateful to not have to wake up with a hangover and not be the volatile, messy person she used to be who was surrounded my chaos, but that she did miss being carefree, fun, and spontaneous. As soon as I read her message I knew I had to write about this topic.

g this because I need to hear it. I need to hear that it's OK to say NO. It's ok, it really is. But for a long time I didn't think it was ok to say no. When I was drinking and using, the word no was not really in my vocabulary in the traditional sense of the word. I prided myself on being spontaneous, wild, and ready to say "yes" at the drop of a hat. I said yes because I thought that's what people wanted to hear. I said yes because I thought people would like me more if I went along with their ideas or their plans. I said yes because I didn't want to be held back from anything. I said yes because I was extreme in every sense of the word. So when I got sober, I continued to say yes. I continued to overpack my schedule as had been my norm throughout my drinking years. It was even easier to overbook myself because I was able to show up for everything and not just skate by with a hangover. But I quickly found that this didn't work for me. You see, for years I had packed my schedule with activity after activity. In college I scheduled classes, studying, soccer, drinking, and socializing down to the minute. Free time was a foreign concept to me and so was self-care.