The original premise was
to provide twelve facts about yourself, followed by answering twelve questions
from the person who volunteered you to take part.

I’m also going to cheat
and refer you to my previous blog post 7x7 which covers the first seven, and
here are another five for good measure;-

8. I once thought I would
be cool and dive off the top board at the local baths. You know the 10m one.
What a walk of shame that was, climbing back down again in front of everyone.

9. My biggest faux pas was
asking friends we met at a wedding when the baby was due – and she wasn’t
pregnant.

10. My second biggest faux
pas was when my girlfriend’s, rather large friend said she wanted a mini (the
ones before BMW made them cool) and I asked if she was sure she would fit in a
mini.

11. When I was 13 and
three quarters, I really did start monitoring my penis growth on a chart like
Adrian Mole did. Gave up after lack of progress.

12. Someone once put their
false teeth in my pint and I was dared to drink it. Yes, I did, every drop. I
must have been really drunk that night.

Ok, so now for the
questions that need to be answered

If you
could have an audience with any British monarch which would it be?

As a relatively staunch republican (with the
exception of Kate Middleton and her sister’s bottom), I’m not really that into royalty.
However, I share a birthday with Henry VIII, so I will choose him. I’m sure we
would get on and must have an astral connection anyway. That might explain why
I occasionally feel the urge to decapitate my wife. (Its ok, the feeling is
mutual)

What
is the most frightening thing that has ever happened to you?In all
honesty, apart from coming in to land in a plane during very windy weather, it
would be the first time my daughter had a febrile convulsion. We didn’t know
what was going on and really thought we were losing her when she had a fit at
18months. That was scary. However, once we understood what was happening we got
used to having to apply rectal diazepam every time she fitted. We got some
strange looks when she had one in a restaurant in Gran Canaria though. Kind of
put a few people off their dinner.

If you
appeared on DesertIsland Disc what would your luxury be?

It would definitely have to be a nice comfortable sun
lounger, one with a cushion. If I’m going to be stuck there, there’s no way I’m
running up a tab of £4 a day to hire one.

What
kind of museum or gallery exhibition would you cross a city to see?

I think
the Egyptian stuff always has an air of intrigue about it, whether it’s the
stories of curses, ancient aliens or their feats of construction. Either that or
Boat-Shed-Boat, which is obviously art. Isn’t it ?

What
would you choose as your last meal?Gee, that’s one order where I wouldn’t mind waiting
an extra hour for a table. I do have an interest in food, so it really depends
whether you go for an exquisite Heston BloomingMental fine dining experience or
something more mundane. I’d probably sit looking at the menu for fifteen
minutes, hum and hah a bit and then opt for the cheeseburger because I couldn’t
make up my mind.

If you
became leader of a political party what would your slogan be?

Vote for
Me and Beer is Free !

What
piece of music makes your pulse race?

Another
tough one. It’s definitely not Westlife though. I actually think it would have
to be some rock thing with a guitar riff. Ah, but wait, I shamefully forgot the
most rousing song of my nation “The Flower of Scotland”. That is really
powerful, especially pre-Football or Rugby, gets me all into a frenzy, before the inevitable
disappointment.

What
human quality to do value most highly?

For me, it’s pure and simple honesty. I can’t stand
those who choose to spend their lives conniving, backstabbing and lying for
their own good. What goes round comes round – and its heading their way one of
these days.

What
is your greatest regret?

Regrets, I’ve had a few,

Most of my life,

Working on the highway.I should, have jacked it sooner,

Cause I’m really not,

Much of a crooner.

Can
you do a forward roll (if yes, photographic evidence is required)Possibly,
but given the lack of space and my benign paradoxical positional vertigo,
health and safety dictates it is not safe to do so. I can pat my head and rub
my tummy at the same time though.

What
would you like your epitaph to be?

Bottle-in-front-of-me

1970 to 2135

Who knew large amounts of wine and
Pringles

was the secret elixir of youth?

What
ingredients do you rate in a blog?Wit,
wisdom, satire and a touch of innuendo. Shit it’s actually Viz I should be
reading.

Ok,
twelve questions coming up.

This time
one victim will be the person who made the remark "Cheesy Bum Cheeks" on
twitter the other night. She knows who she is.

And
another, The Brighton Dad has just had a baby, so may not have time for such an
epic meme.

Will i forever now be known as cheesy bum cheeks ?Great post Mr Bottle ! Fancy sharing a bottle of red and having a viz night ? Oh and not only can i do a forward roll but can still perform high quality cartwheels having once been a county gymnast ! X