It is once again my pleasure to address the graduating class. There is no need for any of you to stop staring hypnotically at your phone. You can follow what’s about to happen at hash-tag “Like, sooooo boring.”

As is our tradition, I will now tell you all the secrets to life while you text with friends about that party last night.

To get rich without hard work, simply play the lottery 13 million times.

​Inside every old person is a fossilized teenager who knows exactly what you’re up to.