Bullying among homeschool moms

This isn’t the kind of thing I usually write about. If you’ve been here very long, you know my posts are usually informational. I try to be encouraging. And, generally, try not to bring anybody down.

However, something is troubling me today, and I wanted you to know.

It’s time to start a conversation. Because things just aren’t right.

Get ready for a longer post than usual. And thanks for reading all the way to the end.

In the last few years, I’ve noticed something. Or maybe I’m just now paying attention.

More and more rude status updates on social media. More and more mean things written as comments, too.

Have you?

You know what I’m talking about.

Snappy criticisms. Snarky comments. Nasty references to other people.

Sure, sure. They’re JK. Or end with a smiley. But, sincere? I think not.

With the homeschool year just beginning for so many, I’ve begun hearing folks talking about things that went down last year, too. And I have to tell you, I don’t like it. A woman I hardly knew approached me at Target the other day, apologizing for something I wasn’t even aware of. Um, thank you, lady. But, wait…what?

So, I’m a realist. I know this happens. And I know it isn’t limited to homeschool circles, either.

And in case you find me judgmental, let me stop you right now. That’s not what this is about.

But I care. And, the honest truth is, I guess I’m a little over-protective, too.

You see, this is my space. My community. My people. It’s about tradition, too. And it’s undermining a pattern of community and sharing that has been the trademark of homeschooling for so long.

When I began homeschooling, a small group of moms gathered at a nearby park once a month for conversation. Everyone was invited.

There was a sign-up sheet for field trips. No pressure, but everyone was invited.

And, occasionally for a party or two. No pressure, but everyone was invited.

You had a question, it was answered. By another mom who cared. By someone who remembered where you sat, and wanted to make your seat a little bit more comfortable since she’d been in that same seat before.

You had a baby, you got a gift basket. You were sick, you got a meal. You had a question, they gathered ’round to help.

Everyone was invited to everything. And everybody came.

You were supported, you were loved. Everybody cheered. Yea, that’s right — everybody.

Today, the growth of homeschooling equals more people, more groups, more discoveries, more opinions. That’s okay. It’s all good.

But, in another way, it’s also not okay.

It’s not okay for us to compete so much. To clash so publicly. To judge so much.

Actually, it’s not okay at all.

If we have learned anything along the way, ladies, it’s that homeschooling is different for everyone. Surely, we all realize there is no right way, and certainly no wrong way. We know this, right?

If we remember anything, it’s that homeschooling is still good, no matter how it is done, and by whom. We know this, right?

If we do anything right, it is by recognizing that all children deserve the chance to belong, to be included, to be successful, to join in, and that the mistakes of us moms must never impact our kids. We know this, too.

So, I’m thinking some of us have forgotten.

Or we’d never be acting this way.

So, let’s turn this around. I’m happy to shine the light on this problem if it may be of help to others.

I’ve been poking around some, and I don’t find that much has been written about this crisis. I see that Upside Down Homeschoolingwrote about it once. And Busy Momalluded to it, too.

So, I’m writing about it today. And I’m asking you:

If you have an opinion (a helpful, thoughtful, honest one), post a COMMENT.

If you know a solution (a real one, not a cheeky one), post a COMMENT.

If you have a reference to an article, link or blog (one that helps, not for self-promotion), post a COMMENT.

Or, if you just plain old have something to add to this conversation (without bashing), post a COMMENT.

I’ve started it. Now, let’s finish this together.

And if you feel led to share this post with others, do it now. A conversation is only that when we start talking to one another.

Love,

Dr. Marie-Claire Moreau is a college professor who traded in her tenure to become a homeschool mom 20+ years ago. The founder of homeschool groups and organizations, she works to advance home education, and is an outspoken supporter of education reform coast to coast. Her book, Suddenly Homeschooling: A Quick Start Guide to Legally Homeschool in Two Weeks, is industry-acclaimed as it illustrates how homeschooling can rescue children and families from the system, and how anyone can begin homeschooling within a limited time-frame and with no teaching background whatsoever. A liaison for regional school-to-home organizations and a homeschool leader in Florida, Marie-Claire also mentors homeschool families nationwide. A conference speaker, she has appeared at FPEA, H.E.R.I., Home Education Council of America, Luminous Mind, Vintage Homeschool Moms, iHomeschool, and many other events. Her articles have appeared in and on CONNECT, Homefires, Homemaking Cottage, Kiwi, Circle of Moms, and hundreds of other blogs nationwide. Marie-Claire can be reached at contactmarieclaire@gmail.com.

Comments

Wonderful article! I have been thinking many of the same things that you said and have been wondering about how to address the issue myself. You did a great job tackling this subject! We are all in this together . . . no one has all the answers and no one has the perfect situation. I think one of the best things we can do is just pray for each other on a daily basis. I think if we stopped and prayed before posting a comment (or INSTEAD of posting a comment), it would make a huge difference. Prayer is much more effective than comments 🙂 Anyway, thanks a lot for sharing such a great article.

This is nothing new. I’ve experienced this over and over again in the past seventeen years of homeschooling. The difference today is that it is not as anonymous as it used to be on e-loops.

Yet, I’ve experienced this first hand in homeschool groups too.

– Moms with gifted students looking down on those who were struggling to teach learning disabled children.
– Moms who judge other moms based upon income.
– Moms who use one method of homeschooling dissing moms who use another.
– Moms to do not want to listen and share in life, but prefer to dominate and control.
– Gossiping in general about one another
– Cliquish/exclusionary behavior
– Self righteousness.

It’s a tough topic. I’m not sure there is an easy answer. It’s sin. We all need to grow in following the “One Anothers,” of the Bible.

This is a great post. It truly is happening. I have seen it done to a really awesome blogger. It’s so sad and heart breaking. I think people forget others have feelings. It’s absolutely terrible. Common sense if you don’t have something nice to say then don’t say it. These are great reminders. I am going tweet this 🙂

Good for you! I’m not a homeschooling mom, but this post could be written for moms/women in general. (My children are grown.) I don’t get it and I never have. We need each other, and our children need us to show them we need each other. They are watching and if we want bullying to stop among them, we must show them a better way. Nicely done!!

I love your manifesto, Marie Claire! I think we should all strive to be more like that, more supportive and less judgemental. I think James 3:3-10 certainly applies here. With today’s technology, not only do we need to tame our tongue, but our typing fingers as well.

Women in general need to be reading this. I have NEVER understood all the catty behavior among women. It makes no sense. Aren’t we all in the same boat? Whether I homebirth or you hospital birth. Whether I homeschool this way or you homeschool that way. It seems to me the goal is or should be the same: Supporting each other on the journey.

Thank you for writing about this unfortunate reality…I’ve seen people that have that “holier than thou” attitude, they believe their way of life is the only way. We should learn to help each other without being judgemental. Love should lead the way.

So true, and not just on the internet. We just joined a homeschool co-op and it’s pretty clear there are “ins” and “outs” and “cool girls” and “mean girls” and thankful some plain old nice, welcoming folks too. 😉

I think I must hang around in nicer homeschool circles than you ladies, because I really don’t see more of this than the “old days” and my oldest is a high school junior so I’ve been doing it for a while. I actually find it nicer and more supportive these days as more people are homeschooling, as it’s less “one size fits all” than it was when I started.

I remember attending a local homeschool support group once and being very warmly greeted by the hostess in her home. She was wonderfully friendly until a few minutes into our introduction when she asked, “And what church do you attend?”. I told her that we didn’t currently attend any of the local churches and she literally stopped smiling and froze in mid-gesture as if I’d admitted to belonging to a serial killer fan club. She uncomfortably walked across the room and struck up a conversation with another woman, and didn’t speak another word to me for the rest of the evening. Despite my warm invitation to the group before that day, I was never invited to another of their functions again. That was my “good old days” of homeschooling.

I am quite grateful for the internet, social media, yahoo groups, Facebook and the many ways I’ve found of connecting with HS families who are fun and fit us well.

I think any time you expand a population by ten times, you’re more likely to have a few skunks. That said, I don’t think the current crowd is any worse than at any other time. I do see other trends and I’m not a fan of all of them, but I don’t think anybody is any meaner than at any other time.

The nice thing about our giant homeschool community now is that if people are obnoxious, it’s easier than ever to just click to move past them and on to better people. 🙂
~Alicia

It is so sad that we do this to each other. I just hate it! Part of the problem is that people will say things on social media that they would never say to your face or if they were in your home talking with you. Thank you for taking time to address this.

This is a wonderful article. I deeply feel social media has done more harm to our sociotey than good. For this reason I’ve been social media free for almost a year. Social media is a helpful thing, but it has become something we depend way too much on. We are forgetting how to really communicate with others and hide behind keyboards. I hope and pray that women can live up to a better standard. We must humble ourselves and be more kind to those around us. Thank you for writing this article.

Such a great post! I’m not home schooling mommy but its so sad how ppl treat each other. As a parent we just want to do whats right for our children and its awful for us to ask a question and get hit with responses that make us feel worthless an regretting asking the question bc it only causes stress. This was such a great read and I hope it opens ppls eyes.

Preach it, Sister!! May I also add that just because someone chooses to educate some or all of her children differently, she is not the enemy? I have 3 children, but only homeschool 1 and have gotten nasty comments from ‘both sides of the aisle’. Sometimes I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. It would be nice to hear it’s ok.

Preach it, Sister!! May I also add that just because someone chooses to educate some or all of her children differently, she is not the enemy? I have 3 children, but only homeschool 1 and have gotten nasty comments from ‘both sides of the aisle’. *roll eyes*

I agree, it’s always sad when people turn on one another, especially when common interests and situations should make us more understanding of each other. But homeschoolers backbite the publicschoolers and vice versa, too. Homeschooling doesn’t make you a better person, parent or child; in my opinion, it does position you to be uniquely blessed. Especially since I know such blessing and such wounding personally, I choose to pass on the blessing only–and I’m an EOB (equal opportunity blesser.) I pray for strength continually to meet life and those living it in my circle with grace. It just feels right.

This is why I don’t belong to any support groups locally, I am on 1 fb one and after the response I got for my last question, I am leaving it. Thankfully where I live there is a school board that creates workshops and organizes field trips for homeschoolers. This is a blessing so my kids get to do lots. I meet parents, but don’t hangout. My daughter makes friends, some great ones, but I don’t need to deal with the drama, or be belittled for my choices, chastised for my curriculum selection being too ‘schooly’. Etc. But I can say that for any mommy group. I wish we could just get along! I hate feeling like it’s Jr. High all over again every time there’s a gathering.

HI!! Your article showed up on my FB page, and I clicked because we Home School……..well maybe it’s more of a free range education. We are just at that stage where we are teaching our son about bullying in it’s myriad of forms, and I got him to check it out. Phoenix was under the impression that adults did not get bullied. We live in a super small far flung community, where our major social occasion is our farmer’s market every Saturday. I don’t think I have experienced being bullied, as we all have an extremely different approach, from very religious to punk rock. When we all do get to hook up, I’m certainly going to ask if any of them have experienced this. Thank you for writing…….I’m checking out some of your other stuff now!

As an admin of several groups on facebook – if someone deliberately instigates drama – they’re out. if someone deliberately wounds/hurts/namecalls another member, they’re out. if they want to reapply, they would first have to work it out with the injured party, and the injured party would have to say it was ok. and then they would need to be encouraging and supportive (and not harsh, injurious, or snarky). Life is too short for exhausting drama (especially if the admin gets a 100 notifications from miffed members). Who wants to put out fires all the time? I’m a supportive admin for a 2,000 local mom facebook group – and we are a supportive and informative board. We rarely have drama and if we do, we deal with it immediately. Admins need to be ok in letting some people leave the group (either on their own or forcibly) and not be wishywashy in allowing the same people to create drama all the time.

I am a fairly new homeschool mom. This is our 4th year (my oldest 2 kids were in school until then). I came into this scared but excited. I was excited that there was a huge community in my town. But I quickly realized that I didn’t belong in that community. I have been bullied and attacked in online forums. I’ve been ignored or been given “that” face when I’ve disagreed with something. It all comes down to the fact that I am not conservative in my very very conservative town. I don’t have a problem with people who disagree with me. But I do have a problem with people who treat others this way. It hurts me a lot because I still need support. We still need a community of homeschoolers. But I know I’m not welcome there anymore. It’s making me rethink my decision to homeschool. I hate to think that I’ve been run off by these women. But I don’t want to have to be silent wherever I go for fear of being attacked. I did come into this thinking we were all in this together. But that’s just not the case.

This:
“When I began homeschooling, a small group of moms gathered at a nearby park once a month for conversation. Everyone was invited.

There was a sign-up sheet for field trips. No pressure, but everyone was invited.

And, occasionally for a party or two. No pressure, but everyone was invited.

You had a question, it was answered. By another mom who cared. ”

Is how homeschooling was when I started, and how it still is today in our homeschool group. We started out with 5 moms and have over 60 now. I have never, ever heard of anyone feeling the way you just shared. It is SO sad that it is going on in our homeschool communities, and I pray that it never hits ours!

Thank you for this thought-provoking post. With kids aged 11 and 15, this kind of behavior is an excellent opportunity to model how I would prefer them to behave, and to discuss why people do what they do. I have always encouraged my children to run their own race, and not get sucked into envy-promoting competitive squabbles. Plus, I am fortunate that both kids are intelligent enough to know that gratuitous negativity is a waste of time and energy that could be spent pursuing something much more life-affirming.

Thank you for writing this. It definitely applies to all women. I agonize over how hard it is to find true friends who are women after experiencing initial welcome to the homeschooling community and friendly treatment but exclusion in the past year. I’ve been reading “The Curse of the Good Girl” to help me learn how to raise my daughter to be a courageous, confident woman, and one thing in there is especially relevant to this conversation. “Girls often react this way (get upset during conflict) because they unfairly expect themselves to be perfect friends. But overreactions allow a single problem to call one’s entire self-worth into question, undermining girls’ ability to resolve interpersonal problems. . . you can’t be one thing all the time. No one is perfect. . . Girls (after taking a quiz) . . . realize how much pressure they put on themselves to be that one thing all the time, whether it’s being nice, funny, or a good friend. When you try to be one thing all the time, and when you expect yourself (or other Moms) to be that flawless, you tend to freak out when you do mess up. Likewise, the more comfortable you are with accepting your own imperfections, the less they will shatter you.”
I also think our food (wreaks havoc on our guts, the source of hormones which determine our mental, emotional, physical and reproductive health) hectic lifestyles and too much screen time play important roles in causing more irritability, less conversation & quality time, less time outdoors and relaxing with loved ones. The changes that can be made to help this overall problem are simple, and bring more peace in life even if others choose drama. I will try to keep loving without favoritism and here’s to hoping more do too!

I just want to comment on the idea that homeschoolers used to be nicer and more sharing, etc. My mil homeschooled back in the day, and there were homeschool mommy wars back then, too. They just were not on screen. So, I would say it is human nature, and it hasn’t changed all that much. The positive side of this is that there are TONS of lovely homeschoolers NOW, just as there were back then, who are caring and sharing and kindness all rolled into one. That too is human nature, and I am glad for it.

I think as the number of homeschoolers grow (and it is fast growing), we will see more and more examples of any given human behaviour. So, more bullying. But also, more kindness.

One thing that is mentioned that is very true, is how secular homeschoolers now have a better time than in the past where if you were not religious, you were suspect. Also, it was pretty tiring to have to battle the “stereotype” of a homeschooler. There are so many people who do it for so many reasons that not so many people make those assumptions anymore. But (here’s another theory) perhaps, as the homeschooling community as a whole becomes LESS homogenised, that feeling of commonality is eroded, and perhaps people feel less of a kinship with others just because they homeschool?

I just mentioned this very topic to my husband about an hour ago.
If you wouldn’t say it to someone’s face you shouldn’t write it on fb.
People are very mean. I get sucked into reading it and I know I should just stop.
So, I’m going to bed so I will be ready for a new day with my little student.
Let’s build each other up!