Friday, 4 November 2011

The Crying Game

Most people have days when they feel 'down' or 'low' or maybe even 'depressed'.
Most people also don't talk about those days.
For most people, it passes as quickly as it came.
I am not most people.

Most of last week, and the start of this week, I was in the manic phase of my Bipolar Disorder.
I do not realise when this happens. I only realise when it stops. And, when it stops, it doesn't just fizzle out or tapper off.. It. Just. Stops.

Everyone's had that feeling when they're falling asleep and then suddenly, without warning jolted awake by the sensation of falling, yes?
It feels a lot like that. Except, you're not asleep. And you're not safely tucked up in your bed, or on the sofa. And you are really falling. Not in the litteral sense of losing balance, of course. It's an internal sense of slowmotion falling. You can see it. you can feel it, you can do absolutely nothing about it.

It hits hard. And fast.
It's unbearable.

You will never hear a sufferer of Bipolar say that they don't like the manic side of the disorder. But, it is distructive. There is a sudden burst of unbelievable energy. Unstopable confidence that knows no bounds. Things you would never normally consider doing seem attractive and exciting. There are no consequences to your actions. Everything is a blur.

The people around a Bipolar sufferer will more often than not state that the depressive side of the disorder is easier to cope with. It's a 'stable' behaviour. There are no surprises in the depression. It is just long, dark and bleak.

I'm quite good at hiding it in public. At home, my husband sees it all. I try to remember to use this blog to air things out a little, but when you have extreems in mood, sitting down to write things like this doesn't often appeal.

Today, I write this as I have been crying for the past 2hours. I had finally plucked up enough courage to speak to my GP again and ask for more help. I called the surgery, but was unable to get an appointment today as they are only taking emergencies. I was told to call back on Monday morning.

The problem is that after months of struggling with the decision to ask for more help, through no fault of my own, I am today unable to get that help. The courage will disappear over the weekend. Honestly though, it already has. To try and regain that feeling.. To start another day that strong.. I know deep down, it's unlikely to happen for a very long time. So I will struggle on.