I ignored warning signs early on. From the start, this person disrespected me and was emotionally abusive. I found out later that he even slept with my best friend when we first got together. I was fooling myself thinking that I had found what I had always wanted. It was reinforcing all the crap from my childhood -- feelings of insecurity, shame, etc. I spent many lonely nights, crying, wondering what was wrong with me. Why was I so unloveable?

There are people out there who will accept you. As I stated earlier, I have a partner who knows all about my abuse and is very patient. Not everyone is going to pack their bags when they hear about your past. If they do, they were never the right person to begin with.

My partner and I have a mix of friends, both gay and straight. One night, all of the men got together and we had a discussion about sexual abuse. Out of six men, 3 of us had been abused. One was in a very happy, long marriage and his wife knew all about his abuse.

I'm not trying to paint this rosy picture that everything will be rainbows and sunshine. Who's life is, really? What I'm saying is when you're looking for that relationship experience, don't ignore healthy things such as mutual respect, acceptance and love. They do exist. Not everyone is going to run when you open up about sexual abuse. If they do, they were never the right person. True love and understanding is about acceptance. For yourself as well as the other person.

I'm not talking about people running away because I tell them about the abuse. I've never had a dating experience last long enough to get there.

I'm talking about people finding out that I'm not the image they initially see when they meet me. I project a sense of confidence, masculinity and strength that some people find very attractive. But when they start getting to know me, they start to find that underneath their perception of a masculine confident man, is a timid boy with no experience in relationships. They're not attracted to that. THAT is why they run.

It's a fucked up catch 22. I'm a 41 year old man without experience, and I can't get experience because I'm unable to find someone who is willing to be with a man who has no experience.

D

Originally Posted By: jbodean

Magellan,

I ignored warning signs early on. From the start, this person disrespected me and was emotionally abusive. I found out later that he even slept with my best friend when we first got together. I was fooling myself thinking that I had found what I had always wanted. It was reinforcing all the crap from my childhood -- feelings of insecurity, shame, etc. I spent many lonely nights, crying, wondering what was wrong with me. Why was I so unloveable?

There are people out there who will accept you. As I stated earlier, I have a partner who knows all about my abuse and is very patient. Not everyone is going to pack their bags when they hear about your past. If they do, they were never the right person to begin with.

My partner and I have a mix of friends, both gay and straight. One night, all of the men got together and we had a discussion about sexual abuse. Out of six men, 3 of us had been abused. One was in a very happy, long marriage and his wife knew all about his abuse.

I'm not trying to paint this rosy picture that everything will be rainbows and sunshine. Who's life is, really? What I'm saying is when you're looking for that relationship experience, don't ignore healthy things such as mutual respect, acceptance and love. They do exist. Not everyone is going to run when you open up about sexual abuse. If they do, they were never the right person. True love and understanding is about acceptance. For yourself as well as the other person.

I understand what you are saying, that you don't feel like you can get to a lasting point in a relationship. I didn't start dating men until I was in my mid-20s. I felt so behind everyone else. I didn't have all of the experiences of the whole dating rituals that most people have by that age. I felt very awkward and insecure and did not pick up on social queues like when I guy looked at me a certain way or showed body language to let me know he was interested. I felt clueless.

There were many times when I felt like I was looking at the world through glass that I couldn't break through. Like I could watch everyone else have these enriching experiences that I could never feel for myself. Part of was fear: I was so afraid to put myself out there because of the fear of being hurt. Part of it is also that the places I was going were not the best to find someone interested in a long-term relationship. I'm not saying that you can't find someone decent at a bar, but there's a lot of people just looking for a hook-up and not interested in anything past a one-nighter.

Have you tried any sort of groups, such as volunteer work to meet people? San Fran is such a busy city with a lot of activities, I'm sure there are groups where you can meet people that share your interest. Don't give up and don't be so down on yourself. Don't give up and don't let the fact that you haven't found the right person convince you that you are unloveable. You are anything but.

And I'm 41, and still clueless as you felt when you were in your mid 20's. I've been 'dating' for 20 years.

20 years down the drain. I have nothing to show for it. Nothing.

Therefore, there's something magnificently wrong with me, and i'm just unlovable. No one wants me.

No one.

Originally Posted By: jbodean

Magellan,

I understand what you are saying, that you don't feel like you can get to a lasting point in a relationship. I didn't start dating men until I was in my mid-20s. I felt so behind everyone else. I didn't have all of the experiences of the whole dating rituals that most people have by that age. I felt very awkward and insecure and did not pick up on social queues like when I guy looked at me a certain way or showed body language to let me know he was interested. I felt clueless.

There were many times when I felt like I was looking at the world through glass that I couldn't break through. Like I could watch everyone else have these enriching experiences that I could never feel for myself. Part of was fear: I was so afraid to put myself out there because of the fear of being hurt. Part of it is also that the places I was going were not the best to find someone interested in a long-term relationship. I'm not saying that you can't find someone decent at a bar, but there's a lot of people just looking for a hook-up and not interested in anything past a one-nighter.

Have you tried any sort of groups, such as volunteer work to meet people? San Fran is such a busy city with a lot of activities, I'm sure there are groups where you can meet people that share your interest. Don't give up and don't be so down on yourself. Don't give up and don't let the fact that you haven't found the right person convince you that you are unloveable. You are anything but.

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