Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Waking Up

In the past week, I have gone down in the dumps. I thought I already hit rock bottom last May. But last week gave a new definition to "rock bottom". Rock bottom felt like shit. It was when I was reduced to nothingness last week that I forced myself what I refused to do before: remember the bad times.

I think I have already written about it in this blog. How I just can't remember anything but the good times. Last week, though, after learning the shit talking and going through the name calling and the accusations, I forced myself to remember what I have went through for the past 3 and a half years. Fortunately for me, I have recorded those times. Those times when I have needed to defend myself. Those times when I was forced to be a jealous person. Those times that left marks which resulted to a person I didn't like anymore: possessive, jealous, unappreciative, and just doesn't know how to trust.

Right after reading my blog, I had an epiphany: I put up with shit. Shit, I later admitted to myself, I didn't want to put up with for the rest of my life.

And so I surfaced after that. I finally woke up from my nightmare.

This week, I am happy to get my life back. I talk to my friends and everytime they listened to my opinion and not shrug it off, I feel better. Everytime I plan gala with them not having to think of anyone else (and definitely not having to wait for anyone to make that decision for me because he drives anyway), I feel better. Everytime I eat too much rice and no one is breathing down my neck, I feel better. Everytime I tell them something and I didn't need to defend myself and was understood, I feel better. Everytime I am allowed to sleep alone in my apartment and not having someone shout at me and question my decision, I feel better. Everytime I stay lazily in bed in the morning not worrying about someone else's schedule, I feel better.

I remember praying to God to give me something, a sign or whatever it is I need, in order for me leave things behind, leave them as they are, not expect anything more. Last week, He gave me something so painful. However, He answered my prayer. He gave me that pain so that I can start moving forward. So I will force myself to do things I am not strong enough to do. God made me strong once again.

I am happy to have done it. I am happy to be the one to step out of my craziness. I am happy to make that decision for myself. I am happy to wake up.