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Author
Topic: Thowing in the towel.....for now... (Read 12431 times)

I am just too tired of trying to find someone. Poz Personals & PositiveSingles.com have been exhausted. Anyone know of another place a Heterosexual Poz Male can find a mate? Really just tired of it. I mostly just want to give in and accept the fact that I will most likely remain alone, maybe then I can just move past this "topic". So much has changed, I find myself not as able to be flirtatious with women because it can't go anywhere. Anyhow, this is not the place to mope...I am just tired of this already.Sorry....needed to vent somewhere.M

If I may make a suggestion ... Perhaps you should consider not throwing in the towel and giving up , rather just put it on the back burner for awhile .

There came a time when i was faced with the same dilemma as you are and found my self feeling isolated and upset with the situation . It wasn't pleasant but I found in time that I could be just as happy as a single guy as I was partnerd .

I can also say with certainty that if I ever do find a special person again it will be all the better because of what I learned living single .

I got use it now, look on the bright side, I can leave my underpants and socks lying around as long as I want.

Mops may be we should start a hetro male section

As a gay guy living alone, I can tell you that many of us leave our socks and underwear lying around. That clean gene does not trickle ALL the way down

I've often wondered whether POZ Personals ought to have a forum for discussion about dating (only that). Sometimes when people open up to each other, they might be able to forge alliances and who knows, form social groups for mingling with/meeting people of the opposite sex. Not sure such a forum would fly here, but it's something to consider.

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"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

There's a rule that me and mine have had for some time, long before I tested poz. "He'll always show up when you're not looking". HIV notwithstanding, no one wants a partner who looks emotionally desperate. For better or for worse, nothing looks more emotionally desperate than allowing yourself to become caught up in the ebb and flow of whoever happens to be online at the moment. I'm not saying "throw in the towel", but I am saying that sometimes the best way to find someone is to dial back your engagement in the search. Keep checking those websites, and whatever alternate forums you use, but check them less often and invest yourself in something else for the time being. You'll probably find that you happen across that special lady when you're just looking for a hookup after a long day at work.

Surely you didn't just say that!! I don't doubt that it is more difficult for a straight male to find someone, but don't discount the difficulty some gay men have. I can tell you that as a negative and now a poz gay man I have had extremely bad luck in the dating department. And for all practical purposes have accepted that having a meaningful relationship is probably not in the cards for me. And I am not saying that as some naive twink but a guy whose been around awhile. Straight or gay we all face our difficulties in dating.

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"Let us give pubicity to HV/AIDS and not hide it..." "One of the things destroying people with AIDS is the stigma we attach to it." Nelson Mandela

I mostly just want to give in and accept the fact that I will most likely remain alone, maybe then I can just move past this "topic". So much has changed, I find myself not as able to be flirtatious with women because it can't go anywhere. Anyhow, this is not the place to mope...I am just tired of this already.Sorry....needed to vent somewhere.M

mp - Vent away buddy. By the time you read this, I would hope the pity party is over. Keep in mind that its not easy to find a suitable significant other regardless of our HIV status.

Like a wise friend of mine once told me and I now see it as being true... dont try and it will happen. That sounds like crappy advice but it does seem to be true. She will not come knocking on the door out of the blue, you have to get out and about but dont make it the focal point of your day.

I hope you dont mind me responding if this is intended to be a Hetero only thread.

Yeah, its kind of like when you try so hard to remember something and you can't, then you stop thinking about it and it comes right to you. Keep your cosmic self open to the possibilities, but maybe for now, let the women come looking for you?

odyssey

*As for this being a hetero only forum, isn't that a tad discriminatory?

Hey Mpos, I know this is bothering you because you've brought this up before. I wish I had an answer for you... you know my deal and situation, I wish it was the same for you. Is your profile just not getting any hits or is it just a matter of not meeting someone compatible?

I would think being in New York would give you some advantages over someone living in Dresden, Tennessee.

Matty, Woods, I'm just just trying to make light of an issue that does bother me, so don't take too seriously any thing I say on this thread. ( you know laughter is best medicine and all that, just my way )

Any how, someone said don't look desperate, women can sense it, well I have a shower, clean shave, tidy my hair( that doesn't take too long ) look in the mirror , every thing is perfect. But soon as I step out side the front door this F.....g big sign appires above my head that says " he's desperate " which every woman can see..

Well, have not had much luck with support groups for POZ folks, because they are normally geared to specific sexual orientations or gender. IE: TS, Gay, Women but VERY and I mean VERY rare to find a selection of groups geared towards hetero men. I did go to one once...it was at 3pm in the afternoon at the Gay Men's Health center in NYC. That was the only one available. So if you don't work, great, but if you did, you were shit outta luck. But I went once and did not feel it for myself. What also troubled me, the gentlemen leading the group was not a Poz himself. I did not realize it until the end and was kinda put off. I guess because he made it seem like he could relate, but I could not see that as possible. However, he was a real nice guy, good heart and obviously cared a lot.

Are searching in POZ dating sites only? That in itself seems limiting. On TV commercials they have eHarmony which includes the involving process of personality profiles and does not accept gay clients. There is another which offers more and better dates, more relationships and more marriages than the other sites.

I heard on the radio the other day that 87% of all people who have profiles online have exaggerated their profile information. Guess I'm not really a millionaire...

During the holiday season, we have 3 personality types:1. The happy couples with plans and families2. The singles groups of friends who already have plans3. The single person with no place to go and someones dad sets a place at the tableThe holiday season leaves no room for singles meeting other singles.

Three years ago, I bought a 1 year membership on gay.com. I ran a search of all available men within 50 miles (which included San Francisco). From that list, I eliminated everyone who for any reason would not be compatible so 1200 gay men became a list of 4 who may be interesting. Everyone says they are looking for someone with personality and a sense of humor. Each of those 4 got an email from me. The one who read, "I am bold, brash and obnoxious in public" responded, we made a date and are still dating. He is HIV negative- go figure Have the best dayMichael

Are searching in POZ dating sites only? That in itself seems limiting. On TV commercials they have eHarmony which includes the involving process of personality profiles and does not accept gay clients. There is another which offers more and better dates, more relationships and more marriages than the other sites.

I heard on the radio the other day that 87% of all people who have profiles online have exaggerated their profile information. Guess I'm not really a millionaire...

During the holiday season, we have 3 personality types:1. The happy couples with plans and families2. The singles groups of friends who already have plans3. The single person with no place to go and someones dad sets a place at the tableThe holiday season leaves no room for singles meeting other singles.

Three years ago, I bought a 1 year membership on gay.com. I ran a search of all available men within 50 miles (which included San Francisco). From that list, I eliminated everyone who for any reason would not be compatible so 1200 gay men became a list of 4 who may be interesting. Everyone says they are looking for someone with personality and a sense of humor. Each of those 4 got an email from me. The one who read, "I am bold, brash and obnoxious in public" responded, we made a date and are still dating. He is HIV negative- go figure Have the best dayMichael

Hey choof-

Hate to point out where you're wrong in an otherwise excellent post, but eHarmony does accept gay clients now. They lost a lawsuit allegedly discrimination based on sexual orientation and now allow gays and lesbians on their site. Just thought everyone should know so they know eHarmony is an option even if they are queer. Though I don't know why a queer person would want to give their money to people who hate them anyway?

Hate to point out where you're wrong in an otherwise excellent post, but eHarmony does accept gay clients now. They lost a lawsuit allegedly discrimination based on sexual orientation and now allow gays and lesbians on their site. Just thought everyone should know so they know eHarmony is an option even if they are queer. Though I don't know why a queer person would want to give their money to people who hate them anyway?

odyssey

I didn't know that... Although I am a fan of personality profiling, I did a lot of work to find the perfect match on gay.com. A gal from days gone by found a man on eHarmony but after 3 years of a relationship that was second best to a warm bath and a good book, her sister talked about suing eHarmony because the man lied and misrepresented his intentions. He was really in love with his mother. The point I was trying to make was a person who is living with HIV should not limit themselves to poz dating sites. Have the best dayMichael

Well, have not had much luck with support groups for POZ folks, because they are normally geared to specific sexual orientations or gender. IE: TS, Gay, Women but VERY and I mean VERY rare to find a selection of groups geared towards hetero men. I did go to one once...it was at 3pm in the afternoon at the Gay Men's Health center in NYC. That was the only one available. So if you don't work, great, but if you did, you were shit outta luck. But I went once and did not feel it for myself. What also troubled me, the gentlemen leading the group was not a Poz himself. I did not realize it until the end and was kinda put off. I guess because he made it seem like he could relate, but I could not see that as possible. However, he was a real nice guy, good heart and obviously cared a lot.

Isn't that the truth. Painfully frustrating. I'm still barely past having my HIV cherry popped and I'm debating not going through with my divorce for this very reason (which is actually pretty damn unhealthy mentally) but it's an interesting dilemma. And I'm sure gays and straights do struggle in a number of common areas but there are also differences.

I won't pretend to know what it's like being a gay male with HIV but I have quite a few gay friends and at least within that social circle, HIV is not the social stigma that it turns out to be in the heterosexual world. Not to mention the assumptions/stereotypes that dog the heterosexuals. Don't want it to turn into a flame war though, dating is difficult enough without HIV, this just puts a new wrinkle in it.

Keep your head up M. I actually am talking to 3 different women from Poz sites, just strictly casual stuff since I'm not ready to date and unsure about my long term status with my "wife" but I know they are out there.

I think , hetro male is a forgoten minority when it comes to HIV, never really here much about us, I'm sure it's around 28% of the +ve population in UK

Ah yairs. The plight of the heterosexual male, that most maligned and disempowered group.

And you know, our hearts would bleed for our straight bloke brethren if y'all didn't run the fucking world.

Check out who's running the government in any given nation, chances are it's a straight fella.

Health services, insurance companies, the pharmaceutical industry, FOX news and any other locus of power you might care to mention and I fancy you'll find it's a red blooded man of the straight persuasion calling the shots.

If, by some lucky happenstance, there should be an individual of the non married male variety at the head of things, I've got no doubt that there'll be some ferociously heterosexual bloke behind the scenes calling the shots.

My point? Arrange for more straight men to become HIV positive, get them to join up here and form the majority.

Ya know Matt, this is why I hesitate here. The hate and bigotry that folks like you portray. You are no better than those you berate Matt. Sorry to say. By your words, it appears that BECAUSE I am straight, I am "evil" or just bad. I know you did not use those words, but it is extremely obvious to anyone with a half a brain what your intentions are and it really sucks. I see you said Fox News, as a way of being negative. Right, sure Matt. You are exactly part of the same problem as with any ignorant and small minded bigot, racist, anti-semite or extremist. If I am coming off hard, well, too bad. I am straight...so freaking what! Do I not deserve the same respect? Because a straight person pissed you off, therefore all straight people are evil or bad in your eyes? If you say that you don't feel that way, well, that also makes you a liar based on your generalities above. Personally, I have such respect and admiration for everyone here and in the small world around me, of all colors, preferences and religions. As long as they do no harm to others, they are good in my book. Hmmmm...I wrote this, then was going to delete, as it is written in anger. However, the hell with it, I won't quietly sit by and let someone rip me up because I am not like them. So, let the chips fall where they may...get over yourself soon Matt.By the way, I am not a "maligned and disempowered group". I am me and am part of the same human race that you are. Like it or not.

Ya know Matt, this is why I hesitate here. The hate and bigotry that folks like you portray. You are no better than those you berate Matt. Sorry to say. By your words, it appears that BECAUSE I am straight, I am "evil" or just bad. I know you did not use those words, but it is extremely obvious to anyone with a half a brain what your intentions are and it really sucks. I see you said Fox News, as a way of being negative. Right, sure Matt. You are exactly part of the same problem as with any ignorant and small minded bigot, racist, anti-semite or extremist. If I am coming off hard, well, too bad. I am straight...so freaking what! Do I not deserve the same respect? Because a straight person pissed you off, therefore all straight people are evil or bad in your eyes? If you say that you don't feel that way, well, that also makes you a liar based on your generalities above. Personally, I have such respect and admiration for everyone here and in the small world around me, of all colors, preferences and religions. As long as they do no harm to others, they are good in my book. Hmmmm...I wrote this, then was going to delete, as it is written in anger. However, the hell with it, I won't quietly sit by and let someone rip me up because I am not like them. So, let the chips fall where they may...get over yourself soon Matt.By the way, I am not a "maligned and disempowered group". I am me and am part of the same human race that you are. Like it or not.

Le sigh.

Yeah I get it. You're a good guy. You don't wear orange on St Patrick's Day, you don't drink cappucino with your steak dinner nor do you smack your girlfriend around when she gets uppity.

And if only all straight men could take a leaf out of your neatly ruled book, then the world would be a better place.

The thing is that I'm not talking to you the really decent fellow. I'm talking to you as a member of the hegemonic group.

So allow me to soothe your white hot rage with a rather tedious anecdote.

When I was at university way back in the 1990s, we had a thing called a "Womens' Room". It was a single space on campus reserved for women students. They ran it and they decided who could and could not cross their delicately scented threshold.

Inevitably some "heterosexual males" objected to this outrageous affront to the status quo and fronted up to a meeting of the Students' Representative Council demanding a "Mens' Room".

Because, y'know, turn about is fair play.

For a good two hours we debated the question "why isn't there a mens' room on this campus?" until a big ol' dyke finally rose up and answered it.

Oh please Matt, you know this isn't common for me. I've very rarely come to the defense of our straight brethren, so back off that insinuation. The fact of the matter remains straight HIV+ males are judged with suspicion on the outside (neg. pop) and shown this kind of attitude you display above when they talk about it. It's a problem is all I am saying.

Oh please Matt, you know this isn't common for me. I've very rarely come to the defense of our straight brethren, so back off that insinuation. The fact of the matter remains straight HIV+ males are judged with suspicion on the outside (neg. pop) and shown this kind of attitude you display above when they talk about it. It's a problem is all I am saying.

So what, now you're a fudge packer?

That to one side, my point remains. Heterosexual men are firmly part of the enforcing group in society and the fact that the positive ones find life a little challenging is neither here nor there.

It really is incredible. Matt, you took my original post and turned it into a hateful thing. Even your reply to me again, was all nasty and sarcastic. You need to get over it already. Not EVERYONE that is straight is like that. Oh, and Cappuccino does not go with Steak, eggs and bacon, yes, but steak no.

JG - I specifically wrote "I know you did not use those words, but it is extremely obvious to anyone with a half a brain what your intentions are and it really sucks" .

That to one side, my point remains. Heterosexual men are firmly part of the enforcing group in society and the fact that the positive ones find life a little challenging is neither here nor there.

neither here nor there? LOL (No I mean it, I actually laughed) Are you implying it kind of makes things just? You know kinda like sweet redemption..... I'm sorry I can't find the helpful correlation between Mpos's difficulties and the Lord of Lords and ever so powerful straight male syndrome you proposed above, why don't we just throw whitey in there too?

Cuz you know they say the white heterosexual male is the most hated of all. So they say...

But I digress, I know it's a combination of Mpos's own feelings regarding his status, problems he's had with this issue, and comments like yours that make this even more of a problem for his psyche. So where does he go? I use to talk to myself in the mirror in these situations....

Mpos,

I'll be honest. I never had these issues and as a result never had to present them here. I have seen this problem brought up by straight males quite often and I wonder how much of this problem was occuring before being diagnosed. It's the reason I asked above "are you just having problems finding pos women?", because that would be something totally out of your control.

neither here nor there? LOL (No I mean it, I actually laughed) Are you implying it kind of makes things just? You know kinda like sweet redemption..... I'm sorry I can't find the helpful correlation between Mpos's difficulties and the Lord of Lords and ever so powerful straight male syndrome you proposed above, why don't we just throw whitey in there too?

Are you sure you laughed? It might have just been a fart.

Who said anything about this being just? I never set out to make "helpful correlations" (going to community college has made you such a clever chap), rather just some pointed and prescient observations.

Quote

Cuz you know they say the white heterosexual male is the most hated of all. So they say...

Glenn Beck speaks of little else.

Quote

But I digress, I know it's a combination of Mpos's own feelings regarding his status, problems he's had with this issue, and comments like yours that make this even more of a problem for his psyche. So where does he go? I use to talk to myself in the mirror in these situations....

Then why not lend him your mirror? If you do, be sure to wipe it down first.