The first time someone ever told me "It's okay if
you're not married; heavenly father will assign you a husband in the CK!"--I
was 19 years old.

Yes, 19. With a "1" in the front. Nine-TEEN. And they thought I needed to be
consoled because of my unmarried status.

I should have gotten the big clue and run like heck, but I didn't. After
all, I was dating. A lot. With long-term relationships, and everything. I
wasn't worried.

So I just blew it off.

I wish I'd run...

Rather than go back through all of the stories I've recounted on this board
(don't worry; I'll repeat them if they're topical), I'll give a big summary:

The mormon church treats all unmarried members as if they are children.

(Note: In my stake, that refers to 'never-married' only; divorced folks,
unmarried moms--both are higher up on the 'have a right to live' scale. I've
heard otherwise from some folks, but in my stake, never-married meant "lower
than a snake's belly.")

Amusing anecdote: A 15-year-old girl in our ward became pregnant. I was home
from college (where I'd been baptized) and working full-time. The ward held
a baby shower, but I didn't feel that I ought to attend; I'd never met the
girl, personally, and wasn't making a ton of money, myself... The Sunday
after the shower, I was accosted by a woman in the ward:
"Why didn't you come to Betty Boop's shower, and bring a gift?"
I was caught completely off-guard, and stammered, "Well, I...I...I don't
even know her, or her family, really, and I didn't think I'd be missed...she
doesn't know me..."
"Nonsense!" the woman thundered, "since you're both the same age!"
I was 25--ten YEARS older than the teen! But, as an unmarried woman, I was
deemed her equal.

Ward and stake singles' activities are planned and held the way Primary and
YM/YW activities are: Everyone meets at the church building; rides are
arranged by the "leader," (or the event is held at the church building); all
events must be on a 'calendar' a year in advance--which eliminates most
seasonal or community events, since the dates can't be determined before
they're announced. During my stints as singles' ward activities chair, or
stake singles' activity coordinator (before we had the singles' ward), I
tried to inject some life into the same old grind of board game night, movie
night, dance, Fast-Sunday dinner...and again the next month...and again the
next month... (Even the movies had to be Disney or old, old
classic...'Wuthering Heights' from 1939 had to be stopped in the middle, so
we could be admonished that Cathy Earnshaw should *not* be drinking an
alcoholic beverage to ward off a chill, when she's brought into the Linton's
home, injured...)

We had one bishop who delighted in bringing his family's home movies of
their vacations for all of us to watch, as a "fireside" or "FHE." I made
sure I was on the refreshment committee for those nights, with lots and LOTS
to prepare...!!

Anyway, all changes that would make the activites more age-appropriate and
fun were either complained about or totally forbidden... Meet at a theater,
to buy tickets to a current movie? No way! Schedule an all-day outing to
Point Pelee Park in Canada (not very far...and long before
9/11...)--shocking! (but we did it!)

I was met with opposition at every turn, until I was finally released when I
flat-out refused to comply with a bishop's demands.

Activities such as decorating the inside covers of copies of the BoM for
missionaries--with crayons, markers, glitter, and Polaroid photos of
ourselves...and testimonies, of course (I'm in doing refreshments, again!);
making love-bombing cards or treat plates for inactives; "parties" where
you're not allowed to sit and converse, but must play long games like
"Trivial Pursuit" or "Pictionary" in teams all night; museum "field trips,"
where we all walk together in a big lump from one exhibit to the next;
putt-putt golf (again, in big, clumpy teams)...all things you could easily
do with a Brownie or Cub Scout troop--these were the activities the singles
were supposed to enjoy.

Our comments and opinions were not respected in RS; rolled eyes, and even
audible comments like, "What does SHE know? She's not even MARRIED!" were
common.

Lack of respect for college-educated women who were supporting themselves:
Weekly comment in the 'family' ward (I'm not kidding!), "So, do you still
work at that...uh...PLACE?" Me: "Yes; it's called a school, and I am the
teacher..." They persisted in treating me as if I were some migrant
fruit-picker, who roamed from job to job as the seasons turned. I worked at
the same job for 23 years. I swear to God, *every week* in the family ward,
that dialog played itself out.

As the years went on, and I wasn't married (and was eventually booted out of
the Singles' ward that I helped create), my self-esteem eroded until I no
longer recognized myself. I was, one day, shocked to realize the difference
between the 'me' I saw on Friday and Saturday night, singing in coffeehouses
or at jams with non-mo friends (who I found after being kicked out of the
singles' ward...but that's another story)--and the 'me' of Sunday morning,
directing the music, then shuffling off with my head down (often out the
back door, to get a bagel and herbal tea durning Sunday School!), slinking
into RS (if I came back), and then hopping out the back door before anyone
noticed me--and made a crack about why I was single, or why I didn't do
this, that, or the other thing; why I didn't donate more money/time/free
music lessons/whatever to their cause-'o-the-moment...

As I said, I was shocked. And scared. If I kept going to church, would the
real 'me' disappear altogether?

It seemed likely.

So I left--and never looked back.

Whew!! That was a long one!
Let's hear from some other singles' about their experiences...

:^)

Subject:

Re: So, hypocratus, you want to know what it's like to be single in
mormondom? Chime in here, folks

Date:

Jul 11 02:28

Author:

freeatlast

Hey Deenie,

My wife's cousin left too because of the way she was treated as a single
divorced mom. She now is learning all the hidden secrets of the church.

I don't know all the particulars. My wife just talked to her last weekend.

Subject:

I spent 20 years as a worker bee oops I mean single adult ..

Date:

Jul 11 04:55

Author:

DoubtingThomasina

Like you Deenie I have had loads of self esteem
destroying experiences as a single member of the lds church.

Not being able to drive I often needed a lift home from church activities.
If a married man gave me a lift I was nearly always put in the back seat of
the car. Yes, I was 20, and yes the guy was often over 50. Hey but I was
single therefore obviously desperate and you just never know when I might
suddenly have had the urge to start an affair with a bald aging overweight
priesthood holder. Of course we also had to remember the "appearance of
evil." You see everyone in the "world" looks at a car with a male and a
female in the front seats and thinks "Oh that must be two mormons going off
to have an affair." For the record any affairs that have occurred in wards
that I have been in have been between married couples.

On one of these occasions a priesthood holder was giving me a lift to
church. He said he felt it his duty to point out that since I wasn't
exceptionally attractive I had better work on my talents. He also gave me
tips on how to improve my personality. Afterall I was nearly 21 and time was
running out. He made me feel terrible and once we arrived at church I just
cried my eyes out in the ladies. If I ever meet this man again I will be
sorely tempted to kick him where it hurts the most.

Church was the only place that anyone made any real reference to my marital
status.

Didn't you just hate those patronising articles in the Ensign. "Even though
you are single, you too are important." The church really regards being
single as a disability.

I finally got married at 39. However I still didn't fit the mould. Other
women my age were about to send their sons on missions and the women with
babies were all in their early twenties. Of course I had to put up with the
"So you just have one child" comments too. Or "My sister was 39 when she got
married and she still managed to have 3 kids."

Thankfully after leaving the church there are no moulds to fit into. As you
said Deenie, it is great to finally be ourselves again.

Subject:

I hate to admit this, but here goes.

Date:

Jul 11 06:53

Author:

Cheryl

My biggest worries as a young pre-teen mormon girl
were first, that I might be "an old maid," and second, that I might be
unable to produce children.

Sad, isn't it?

I knew that ALL mormon girls must grow up to be wives and mothers otherwise
they were nothings. I lived with TBM relatives in Provo for a couple of
summers. The girls clicked their tongues and sadly sighed about the
chorister of that ward, a lovely single lady about age 25 or so.

Comments I heard:

"How sad for her. All of that musical talent wasted."

"She's nice looking. I don't know why she couldn't get a husband."

"Too bad she missed her window of opportunity. No one would take her now
that she's an "old maid."

Subject:

Re: So, hypocratus, you want to know what it's like to be single in
mormondom? Chime in here, folks

Date:

Jul 11 07:40

Author:

lightfingerlouie

Your stories are always painful to read. You bring out
the reality of Mormon culture----control, arrogant leaders, and mind killing
boredom. The Mormon church refuses to let anyone be an adult. Singles get
even more of the sickening and stupid control.

I recall being a "Young Adult." That was so typical of the church---you were
not an "adult" to them at all. They wanted to control everything. What they
really meant was "Old Adolescents."

God I hated Mormon culture. It still brings waves of nausea over me every
time I think of a church activity.

Subject:

Thanks Deenie

Date:

Jul 11 12:41

Author:

hypocratus

Thanks for this post and sharing your story.
Fascinating to read how messed up the Morg(ue) really is. Sounds like a
fertility cult like the worshipers of Baal. Oh wait maybe that's why Baal is
on LDS temples?

Subject:

I have a lot of feelings on this issue--

Date:

Jul 11 12:52

Author:

cl2

I could go into detail about the stuff I experienced
and my friends experienced. The whole notion of one and only, etc. The girls
that got married had an attitude of "you just are not righteous enough." It
has been very eye-opening to read this board even about that one subject. As
a single you are always trying to figure out what you are doing wrong that
God hasn't brought your one and only.

I gave up marrying who I wanted to (nonmormon) because of that idea and was
single until age 27 when I married my gay husband. He was a REAL CATCH
considering most of the guys in the singles wards. A lot of the good catches
were all wrapped up in their "status" as they were worshiped and fought
over. Even my ex was fought over. There were a lot of girls in the singles
ward who hated me because of him. Little did they know.

My nonmember boyfriend (the one I speak of above from the past) asks me now
why I married him. I have many reasons, but one was that at that point, my
chances of marrying were getting pretty slim and I did love him (and I had
to save him), but he really was a catch considering the environment in a
singles ward.

I had/have a lot of divorced friends and I went to singles activities with
them before I got married, so when my husband left, I refused to go to
singles activities. I'm not divorced yet (after 13 years of separation) and
I've had many of the singles say, "if you'd just get divorced, you could go
to these activities." NOT ON YOUR LIFE.

Everyone is suspicious of you--taking their husbands. The men won't talk to
you because their wives will get angry at them.

One of the worst things that happened in the singles ward was when the SP
talked to us at a fireside and told the girls to shower, wash their hair,
curl it, dress nice, paint our fingernails as though that was the problem.
When our bishop found out, he was furious. For the most part, all the girls
in the singles ward were the cream of the crop--intelligent, independent,
dressed impeccably. You don't find the dowdy married fashions in singles
wards. These were SHARP girls. AND the pickings were not good.

Two guys that I "dated" didn't marry until my marriage was over--in their
50s. They were enjoying the worship from all the girls who were vying for
their attention.

Subject:

Our whole singles' program was the same way--

Date:

Jul 12 10:36

Author:

Deenie, the dreaded single adult

Lots of women (not all, but lots) with college
degrees, homes of their own, new cars, good jobs...

...and lots of men (not all, but lots) who were chronically unemployed, or
worked as paperboys (over age 40), grocery baggers. Taco Bell counter
guys...obviously, these were (mostly) not returned BYU grads!

There were a few who just paraded around, admiring all the attention they
got from the single women.

There were a few who turned out to be gay, to everyone's surprise--but I
don't recall anyone being told to marry a gay man (it may have happened,
behind closed doors). cl2, your story amazes me every time I read it. At
least you got 2 lovely children out of the deal...and I'm glad you're
finally with the man you deserve!

:^)

Subject:

Re: Our whole singles' program was the same way--

Date:

Jul 12 14:02

Author:

Lillium

I had a friend at work who went to those things and
ended up married to one of the chronically unemployed. She was such a fun
nice person, and very pretty, I always wondered why she ended up with him,
but now I know. The pickin's are slim. She used to try to get me to go,
thank goodness I never did.

Subject:

It is one of those experiences that you can't explain to

Date:

Jul 12 16:15

Author:

cl2

anyone else until they've lived it. Just like going to
the temple. I said in a post the other day that I'm glad I waited and went
through the temple. I'm afraid that I would have always thought there might
be some truth to the church because I had never gone to the temple. It all
seemed so "special"--once you've experienced it, it is such a HUGE LETDOWN
and you couldn't explain it even if you tried.

My mother would even tell me (even if my friends and I were having A LOT OF
FUN) that we were all bitter because we weren't married yet. I had a cousin
who later confessed to me that she thought I was an old maid when I got
married. She asked me how old I was when I did get married and she happened
to have gotten married at that same age--but since I was one of the few
older cousins I was looked upon as an old maid.

I had friends who sent me letters, etc., and talked about how I hadn't found
my one and only yet.

After I got married, then the truth came out. They were all done having kids
by the time I had my kids. I stopped at 2. They all had 5, 6, 7. I had a
career, a nice car, dressed nice. They were poor. Some of them finally told
me that they just wanted me to be as miserable as they were.

Then to live in a married ward and see how many VERY UNHAPPY women there
are. Since my husband left and I'm inactive, I still have women who drop in
to tell me how unhappy they are. Not long ago, one came to tell me her
husband has been cheating for years and they put on a show at church. My VT
who just died--her husband treated her like sh*t. The most wonderful women
in my ward are very unhappy. My ex and I used to lay in bed at night and
compare how happy we were in our marriage compared to others in the ward and
there he lives on my property in a motor home--and we get along great. We
baffle everyone who knows us!

BUT--those singles wards. There is no describing them. You really have to
live single in the LDS church to get a taste of how badly singles are
treated.

And, Deenie, like others have said, you really need to write a book of your
experiences. Sell it in Utah!!!!!

Subject:

Yes Deenie

Date:

Jul 12 17:50

Author:

hypocratus

could write a book and maybe incorporate some of the
other RfM people's stories as well. Maybe a book on why you need to find
yourself first, find what you want out of life first, then get financially
settled, then have marriage after looking for the truly right partner. A
book to empower singles in the LDS church and singles in general not to be
so blind, not to rush into bad marriages, not to be desperate, but to
motivate them to get a life so to say.

Subject:

"The men won't talk to you because their wives will get angry at
them."

Date:

Jul 12 14:28

Author:

munchybotaz

That happens everywhere. I'm 47, been divorced since
1990, and except for my work crowd - which seems to be a weird little bubble
of all-around enlightenment - I've always felt like an outcast among
couples.

I was at a neighborhood barbecue, getting food, and struck up a conversation
with a guy across the table. Well ... you should have seen his wife come
shooting across the yard, like he was Brad Pitt!

The men won't talk to you, and the women don't either.

Maybe I'm jaded, but I don't believe most couples are happy together and I
think snubbing singles is more about envy.

The grass is always greener, don'tcha know. Getting married is one of the
best ways to find that out.

Mormons just have an extra belief that helps them feel better about being
stuck with someone they don't really like anymore.

Subject:

That happened to my mother after my parents split up: after going to
church with those #@*&^$@*(&%^$

Date:

Jul 12 17:08

Author:

flattopSF

people for years, they shunned her for the same
reasons you listed. The women saw her as competition and the men saw her as
temptation. As if any of those fat slobs was worth chasing!

I saw them all as a pack of scumbags.

8^D

Subject:

As an interesting side note . . . I've said this before

Date:

Jul 12 18:46

Author:

cl2

My husband was so well liked in the ward--I had many
people tell me that he was the nicest man they had ever met. I also had the
girls in YWs telling me other women were flirting with him. I always got a
chuckle out of that one. Some of the YW had a crush on him.

So when he left, all the girls in the singles ward who hadn't married yet
and had been interested in him and the women in my ward who were unhappy or
divorced were salivating. Most people thought, "He finally left that b*tch."
(I'm very reserved in person and keep to myself.)

Women were coming out of the woodwork flirting with him. I was so disturbed
I wanted to stand on the roof and shout, "It wasn't my fault." Then when I
got over it, I watched the antics.

One of the girls who liked him before we got married and works where he does
invited him to, get this, pot luck night after the singles ward met. I
mean--we are in our 50s. She said, "He had been voted onto the island." He
considered going. HUH??? I said, "You really want to go back to an activity
like that and YOU ARE GAY?" (Well, so are many of the guys going to the pot
luck. Yep--the same people we went to the singles ward with--still in that
same mindset. And we will have been married for 24 years in September.

Anyway, I got the last laugh on the women in the ward who wanted my husband
. . . hahahahahahaha (and, no, I NEVER felt threatened!)

Subject:

rebuked by the temple president WHILE IN THE TEMPLE

Date:

Jul 11 13:21

Author:

Ben Ben

This story is soooooo unbelievably ridiculous...but it
is absolutely true. I WAS THERE!

My good friend and I tried to make a habit of going to the LA temple each
thursday night while we were in our singles ward. We were about 24 years
old. One such Thursday night, our bishop from the singles ward saw us at the
temple. As a temple worker, he encouraged us to become temple workers
too--so we did!

The next Thursday, we showed up as instructed. We were then told that we had
to get set apart by the temple presidency. So we went down to his office and
had to wait in the waiting area until the president arrived (It may have
been the first counselor on duty that night).

Anyway, when he finally walks into the office, he looks at me and my friend
and gives us a disgusted look. We were sort of surprised by this reaction.
So then he asks us what we were doing there. I honestly don't remember if we
had the opportunity to answer before he laid into us or not but the
following is what he said to us....WITH AN EXACT QUOTE THAT I WROTE DOWN IN
HIS PRESENCE SO THAT HE KNEW I WAS GOING TO QUOTE HIM:

He said: I know your type. You are from a singles ward aren't you? [yes.]
You aren't even trying to get married. Look at you. You are returned
missionaries and you need to be getting married. All you think about are
yourselves. [um...this is a weekday night, and here we are trying to sign up
for being temple workers...yes...how truly selfish of us]

Then, he lays into my buddy because his wrinkle-free shirt had a crease in
it.

He said: look at you, you are here with a shirt that has not been ironed [at
this point I sat back down in a nearby chair. If my friend wanted to take
this abuse, he was free, but I was no longer going to be on my feet until he
addressed the reason why we were there.]. He continued for a few more
minutes (no moments...but minutes).

Finally he says, AND I QUOTE...he said "Now don't quote me on this, but
there are a lot of airhead women out there too." This is directly in front
of his (no exaggeration) 22 year old single female secretary who had been
listening to this whole thing.

He saw me writing this statement down on a piece of paper that I had. He
sternly asked, "What are you doing?"

I looked him straight in the eye and said, " I am writing that quote down."
I think this jolted him back into reality of just what he had been doing and
finally he re-asked us what it was that we needed. IMHO, I think there are
many people out there who, like this ass, instantly judge and rise to anger.
All they see is a white hot flash and assault a victim until something snaps
them out of it.

There are soooo many examples of verbal assaults against singles in the
church. The TBMs will just accept this treatment and never try to change
thngs. sometimes they will complain to close friends, but very few open
their eyes to realize that such treatment is not appropriate from anyone!

Subject:

This was the attitude of our stake leaders--

Date:

Jul 12 10:50

Author:

Deenie, the dreaded single adult

They decided to do a "cleaning out" of the singles'
ward, sending everyone over 30 to the 'family wards.'

Never mind that our singles' ward had been originally set up for ages 21-??,
they decided it would be better to have it be 18-30.

They had a big "joint priesthood and RS" meeting, where they pretty much
told us all off, just like your temple pres., and then announced that they
were going to "force [us] out of [our] complacency, and compel [us] to
choose a mate."

Yeah, right.

They proceeded to call each over-30 ward member by name, announce their age,
and tell them what family ward they were to attend. People were crying; some
got up and ran from the chapel; it was a nightmare. No one knew that they
were being 'released' from their callings THAT MINUTE--the whole RS
presidency was in shock (and an angry confrontation ensued when the 'new' RS
president and her crew came over to the 'old' RS presidency and demanded
that she hand over all materials RIGHT NOW...).

I have never, before or since, seen such chaos in an LDS chapel.

The stake followed up by forbidding any activities for singles over
30--apparently, we were just supposed to seek each other out, marry the
first one who rang our doorbell, and start producing children! One guy was
called in and chewed out for making a 'directory' of the stake singles over
30.

It was the first step on my way out; with no church activities to take up my
time, I learned to play another new instrument (the hammered dulcimer), and
found out that I was really *good* at the folk music I loved so much! I
started performing 'out,' and made lots more 'music friends.' Church began
to fade in importance; I was having a good time elsewhere.

So--I know how you and your friend felt, Ben Ben; it happened out here, too.
(Makes me wonder if there hadn't been, at some point, some kind of directive
from Salt Lake about *making* the singles get married...)

:^)

Subject:

Re: rebuked by the temple president WHILE IN THE TEMPLE

Date:

Jul 12 12:54

Author:

luminouswatcher

I just love it when the Holy Ghost grabs you and puts
the words in your mouth. Only in God's true church would this kind of
inspiration happen. I just love the gospel and every thing it brings into
our lives, and for loving priesthood leaders who wear the mantel so
gallantly. Oh, and I love my mom and dad ...

Subject:

Re: So, hypocratus, you want to know what it's like to be single in
mormondom? Chime in here, folks

Date:

Jul 11 13:22

Author:

Maddie

I was only a young adult for three years, but it
seemed like once I turned 18 my senior year of high school, all my YW
leaders were asking me when I planned to go to BYU and get married.

Mom was constantly trying to hook me up with the RMs from "good, Mormon
families," even though I'd told her time and time again I wasn't interested
in dating at the time (because I was secretly seeing a couple girls behind
my family's backs).

Once we moved back to Enon from VA and I was around other adults again who
had known me all of my life, the questions were a little more bearable, but
seemed to come ten times as often. I was pressured to go to the young adult
word out here (I never went). Everybody else in my age group was either on a
mission, or married with kids they couldn't afford already, so everybody
wanted me to go and pick out my eternal husband already.

I never seemed to fit in with the adults, and they treated me like some kind
of little kid slave--I was always stuck watching their kids while they were
learning things in the adult classes, and while the girls my age who were
married were spoken to as equal adults, I was never allowed that sort of
treatment.

It was really frustrating.

Subject:

Sounds like

Date:

Jul 12 11:04

Author:

hypocratus

a singles ward is a big drama mess of mostly (not all)
immature young adults who never learned how to get through adolescence!

The desperation of these people on one hand, but hmmm perhaps a great place
to "fake the mormon thing" and get desperate mormon girls to fool around:)
JK! I would never step foot in a LDS worship center.....ever!

Overall it just sounds like one big F'd up group of people with a few
exceptions such as you Deenie!

But I am finding what you said to be true along with others here. I notice
many of the men are no longer college oriented, career motivated, that well
educated. I am talking about 30 and under. I know more girls that are LDS
that are getting an education or at least an education that they can use
unlike a lot of the men. Sad fact is that many of the girls still won't wise
up and leave the Morg even with the education. A lot of the younger guys are
more into having dead end jobs or starting their own company (which can be
successful).

From listening to those who still attend singles wards (people I know) it
really sounds like a jumbled mess of chaos. RMs wanting to be worshiped,
thinking they are God. The girls are sexually immature (mentally) from years
of repression that they don't know how to deal with these guys who have been
away from society for 2 years including Morg society.

If the LDS church would let there kids interact more with real world people,
have more activities with us "sinners", sit down and talk to the kids about
how things really do operate in reality then maybe then these kids would be
better adjusted to handle society, themselves and other LDS people. Maybe
singles wards would be more than silly little games and who made out with
who. Maybe they can find their soulmate based upon intellectual
conversations with opposite sex instead of makeout to see who will marry me.
Hey its just a thought.

BTW Deenie, how old are you now?

Subject:

I feel your pain Deenie....

Date:

Jul 12 13:46

Author:

MAR

I was that single female (with no interest in marriage
or kids) for awhile in a family ward. Hell, absolute HELL! I married a
non-member (on purpose--I wasn't about to live with a priesthood holder).
Nothing really changed--I used to duck down in the pew to hide from Sister
Busy Body, who would ALWAYS come over and insist I sit with her and the rest
of the Farkle Family (all 7 kids worth). NO FREAKIN' WAY!!! I am sooooo
happy now that I am out! Hooray! I jump for joy on a daily basis!!

Subject:

When I was living in Provo...

Date:

Jul 12 14:04

Author:

iBear

...We had a SP tell us (in a stake conference session)
that if we weren't dating at least once a week, we weren't fulfilling our
priesthood responsibility as elders. I am DEAD SERIOUS! I thought it was
funny, but the others in my ward agonized over it.

Subject:

Re: I can sum up the single experience in two words:

Date:

Jul 12 19:15

Author:

Hap E. Heretic

It SUCKS.

Sorry for the bluntness, but, as a single woman, life in Mormonism was
really pathetic.

The lame activities, the patronizing attitudes toward anyone without a
spouse, and the "one size fits all" attitude toward dating, socializing, and
marriage.

The "30 and older" single's dances were like a bad dream.

Everyone from age 27 to 97 in a crowded, stuffy church gymnasium, checking
each other out. The "Kool-Aid and cookies" refreshments. The whole
atmosphere reeking of desperation.

YEECH.

Like Deenie said, it's so easy to lose your "real self" in the mindset of
Mormonism. Throughout my life, I've had an active social life with plenty of
dates. But, as a Mormon woman of "a certain age" I was made to think I was
somehow defective, because I wasn't sealed to a priesthood holder.

And, I can't tell you how many times long-married people say stuff like,
"Well, you know, if you don't get married, there's always the next life".

RIIGHT. Like that's supposed to make me feel better.

I can't tell you what a relief it's been to leave that kind of stultifying
mentality behind me.

Since I've left Mormonism, I've reclaimed the vibrant, confident person I
really am, free of all the negative stereotypes so rampant in Mormonism.

Subject:

I was a 39-year-old divorced mother when I joined the church. . .

Date:

Jul 13 00:58

Author:

JoAnn

and I have to admit that for the most part, I didn't
feel like a pariah for being single.

Maybe I was oblivious to it because I was still reeling from an abusive
marriage and a vicious divorce. Nobody really tried to push me into
"singles" activities (or if they did, I totally tuned them out. This is a
possibility.)

I do remember one time, however, when I was having the mishies who had
taught and baptized me over for dinner shortly after I joined the church. We
were having a good time just chilling out and talking.

Somebody knocked on my front door. When I opened it, I found the stake
patriarch's son standing there - a very sorry specimen indeed: morbidly
obese, poorly groomed with greasy, untrimmed hair, a long, ratty beard,
wearing coveralls that looked like they had come over with the Jaredites. He
talked with a nasal whine and was obviously stunted in the education
department. I have no idea to this day whether he was older or younger than
I. (I heard later that he routinely hit on ALL single females who came into
that ward.)

I said, "I don't believe I was expecting you." He said, "No, I just thought
I'd stop by." I told him, "I'm sorry, but I have company." With that, I
closed the door in his face. (Rude, I know - but I DO NOT LIKE IT when
people just "stop by" and I don't even know them.)

The two mishies were practically rolling on the floor with laughter. "Sister
JoAnn," one of them gasped, when he could finally talk again, "You're NEVER
going to find a worthy husband if you treat guys like THAT!"

I said something to the general effect that if THAT sorry character was the
best that the Mormon world had to offer, I'd just stay single, thanks all
the same.

It was lonely, being single in a church that emphasized marriage so much,
but I don't recall being put down or humiliated like some of y'all have
related. Maybe I was exceptionally lucky and never found myself in a ward
like that.

I did eventually find a wonderful guy - an RM, too - but I think I was
exceptionally lucky. I was prepared to remain single rather than put up with
some jerk just for the sake of being married. Been there, done that.

Subject:

Do you really want to know? I have a hundred stories.

Date:

Jul 13 03:59

Author:

forestpal

When someone asks me why I'm not married, I don't know
which story to tell first.

Maybe if I just dive in and start telling them ALL as fast as possible,
people would leave me alone, and say,