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Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Bud the Crud and the Vampire Werewolf Wars (excerpt)

Things to Do in Your Room While Waiting for a Vampire

1.Pace. But believe me this looks a lot more fun in the movies when you might walk back and forth a few times before something miraculous happens or some brilliant idea just comes to you. In real life, you'll just do a lot of walking and a lot of worrying.

2.Practice Yo-Yo. But don't drop it on the floor. That's a good way to get Mom charging up the stairs and to start a second round of 'talks' (which by now will sound more like screaming).

3.Write a letter to Grandma. Then give up when you start thinking this might be your last letter to Grandma and maybe you should be writing a will instead so Crazy Sanchez doesn't get all your comic books. There's not too many ways to go once you start thinking like this.

4.Collect dust bunnies. You may keep a clean room, but you can bet there's a whole gaggle of them waiting for you under the bed. And an old GI Bob action figure. But don't get too excited, it looks like your cat gnawed on it because there's teeth marks all over it. And thinking about all that will just make you sad.

5.Eavesdrop on Mom yelling at Dad downstairs because apparently Dad was home when I snuck in, but is so honking oblivious that he didn't notice. I'm sure you can guess she didn't say honking, just like I'm also sure you know what she really said.

You'll have to move closer to the door when she starts saying things like `bad example' and `my mistake for marrying such a colossal jackrabbit' and that this was `all Dad's fault'. Which is fine with me if I got to share some of the blame. Sorry Dad.

6.Finally, you can quietly, and I mean quietly, go to the bathroom, wash up, and brush your teeth. (Just don't try it on tip toes because it's harder than it looks and you'll just stumble and bang into the wall and get Mom all riled up again). You can put on your PJ's and turn on your nightlight just like you're getting ready for bed. Just don't actually get under the covers. Don't look at how big and full the moon is. Don't start thinking about how one way or another this will all be over soon. And don't, for Peter's, Mike's, and Greg's sake, do not actually start to relax. Because you'll do what I did and fall asleep again and it'll be too late.

Excerpt from Bud the Crud and the Vampire Werewolf Wars. Due out soon!