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Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The past week has been jam packed with adventure and ups and downs. I don't even know where to start! I've promised a post on perfectionism, but I may have to postpone because I feel the need to summarize the past two weeks of my life.
It has brought up a lot of different triggering situations that have tested my resistance against ED. I'm happy to say, that despite being forced into high-anxiety situations, I've been able to withstand using behaviors.
Which brings me to the positives and negatives that have occurred recently:
I'll begin with the negatives as to end on a positive note.

The first, and possibly most disturbing situation that has happened, was a fight with my best friend. He turned on my rather suddenly, in what I perceived as a betrayal of trust. I was broken by words that were truly quite malicious, and felt at a loss as what to do to remedy the situation. Not only did this bring about a sense of being powerless, it also made me paranoid that I was wrong in feeling hurt by his words. In the end, the situation has been forgotten, but not without a renewed awareness that not everyone deserves my trust.

This one is a combined positive and negative: my medication for anxiety and depression has been switched as I had lost faith in it's effectiveness in treating me. I am now on a new drug, I'm, not sure if I'm assigning side affects that don't actually exist to the meds, but I am convinced that I've been more edgy and lethargic since I've been taking them. I haven't given up hope that they won't help though!

Lastly, I had experienced debilitating abdominal pain, which forced me to double up for hours. My doctor determined it was heart burn and prescribed Zantac and I've been fine ever since. Weird, right?

Now, for the positives!

I met a really amazing guy, who is a perfect gentlemen to me, and he makes me really happy. So that is definitely something that has been putting a smile on my face lately.

I had the opportunity to attend a seminar to empower young women at Kean University and gained so much for the experience. I'd love to summarize the whole event in a late post, because it really deserves it's own focus. I think anyone reading could gain something from hearing about it(:

I ran a seven minute mile the other day! I know that it isn't that fast for seasoned runners, but for a beginner such as myself, I was really proud of that accomplishment.

I've been taking risks- in fashion, in food, with friends, and life in general! I'm testing my boundaries and loving it.

Now, to finish things up, some eats pictures.

Whole Wheat oatmeal cookies w/ Three Berry Blend, so good.

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THE fear food, Mom's homemade Mac and Cheese.
Ate every bite and proud of it.

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I've been trying to bring chips to lunch lately, one day I brought these
spicy Thai to go with my roasted pepper and tomato soup, delicious.

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Meal I cooked by myself! A big deal for me because I'm a horrible cook.
Salad, steamed carrots and tempah with Kashi pilaf

Friday, May 13, 2011

Hello gems!
So I don't have time to do a proper post but I wanted an opportunity to send a little shout out.
I was tagged in the Lovely Blogger Award by two of my favorite girls, Bryana and Kimi<3

Post linking back to the person that gave you the award

Share 7 random things about yourself

Award 15 blogs

My seven random facts are:

I am very ticklish! All the guys in my school constantly poke me and make me squirm. It can be annoying.

I love to smile and laugh. Whenever I can, I laugh, and I make it a point not to take life to seriously. I am not afraid to look stupid if I'm smiling about something stupid.

The word that people most often describe me as is cute. I have mixed feelings about this, because on the one hand it's flattering and adorable, and on the other, it's kind of condescending. Either way, I try to take it at face value and just enjoy the compliment.

Until I was in first grade, I lived on a huge property that shared a border with a farm. My early memories are of clambering to the far end of my back yard and looking at the cows that ate out of my compost pile.

I have been a part of student council for the past three years and I love it! I was Head of Fundraisers, President, and Secretary. Next year, I'm running for Sophmore class president.

I wear the colors grey, white, black, and blue most often. I usually only wear pink when I'm in a bad mood. And my go-to shoes are Sperry Topsiders! I have two pairs and adore them.

Final fact(: I swam on the local swim team since I was eight years old until this past year, that's six years! I loved every second of it and there's nothing I enjoy more than being in the water.

And there you have it! Seven lovely facts about me(:
Because many of you have been tagged before, and I'm being lazy, I'm just tagging anyone who so wishes to participate in this award.

I'm going to a sleepover tonight, and I'm a bit nervous, but I don't want ED to be around, I just want to have a good time with my friends. I'll be thinking of how all of you have my back, and I'll try my best to just be Emma<3Have an amazing weekend!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Hello dolls!
First and foremost, I want to wish everyone a belated Happy Mother's day! I hope that all of you were able to spend some time with you mom, and that she had a great day(:

This past week has been filled with highs and lows, but, I'm happy to say, mostly good things.
I've really been trying to challenge myself, and my dietitian has given me a "goal sheet" which has been helpful in visually my progress and ways I can improve.
My goals for the next week are:

A maximum of two tablespoons of nut butter a day

Fulfill my meal-plan

No weighing

Try new "combo" foods

1900 calories completed before my night snack

I want to explain a bit about my goals, and the progress I've had in trying to reach them.

1) Nut butters have become a safe way to get my servings of fats in, so, for the time being, my nutritionist and I have decided to limit my nut-butter consumption to two tablespoons a day. This may seem restrictive, but if I want more peanut butter, I will let myself have it! But, honestly, I've become comfortable with supplementing my fat intake with butters and I need this change.

As for 2 and 3, they are fairly obvious, but it's good to be mindful of these goals. I've tried to keep my weighing to a minimum, although I have had slip-ups, because it really doesn't accomplish anything besides reinforce the fact that I'm maintaining, which is totally pointless!

4) This goes along with number one. A lot of my fear foods are centered around an avoidance of "combination foods." i.e. fats and starches together, etc. I've become attached to my staples, while avoiding other, perfectly healthy and delicious options: I'll show a bit of my progress in pictures further on(:

5) The purpose of eating 1900 calories before my night snack (aka after dinner) is to limit the risk of me binging or overeating. Because I don't count calories, I know that my night snack should really only consist of 3 exchanges (a milk, starch, and fat/fruit). I haven't had too much success with this goal, but I am trying to work on it. Never the less, my overeating episodes have reduced in the past week!

My mommy's edamame salad, in the construction phase
It is SO good and awesome to pack for lunches

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And because my sweet tooth could never go completely into remission, a new creation! One cup greek yogurt, mixed with two tablespoons of peanut butter, and a cup of So Yummi pudding (which is vegetarian and all natural!). It reminded me of when I used to eat my grandma's chocolate pudding and mix milk in it.

That's all for today girls, I may post soon about perfectionism, and with a couple exciting things that are going to be happening soon for me. In the meantime, have an amazing day!

Monday, May 2, 2011

Yesterday was one train wreck of a day. It was a wake-up call to how much anxiety can rule my life and how I use my ED as a coping skill.
I woke up extremely anxious yesterday morning and could not identify why. I began to have cyclical thoughts, which I have not experienced in a while, and was scared about the extent to which I was feeling anxious.
I went for a run and calmed down a bit but at that point ED was screaming to be allowed in. I ended up restricting in an effort to feel more in control of my emotions.

Logically, I realized that this was stupid and that not eating makes me more anxious. I know that not eating takes away from my energy and if I want to continue having great runs like I did I need to keep eating.
My therapist and I have discussed before that there seems to be a wall between my cognitive, rational side and my irrational, anxiety ruled side.
While I realize and recognize perfectionist and ED actions it is hard for me to use this knowledge to challenge these emotions.
I was able to have dinner, but only completed about half of my meal plan. This is a huge step-back for me considering that I normally meet or exceed my exchange requirements. I know that this is just a slip-up in my road of recovery but I feel guilty and ashamed about how I let ED take control. I know that I am better than this!

Despite the fact that I experienced a difficult day, I am glad that I am back on track today. I am proud that I'm trying hard to get out of this drained-anxious funk and am trying to rationalize ED and perfectionist thoughts.
I can do this!
I had a fear food for lunch: Bagel!: and finished my meal plan. On top of that, I didn't isolate, went to work and a documentary with my mom.

There are two sides to the coin, and although my low days suck, I can push past them.

Sorry for this rant! I just need to let this out. No questions tonight lovelies- thank you for all the support once again.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

This is going to be a downer post but I just need to relieve some frustration.

I am frustrated that I still had an overeating episode although I ate intuitively all day.
I am angry that ED still has control in my life.
I am impatient with the fact that the weight I've gained in recovery still hasn't redistributed.
And I'm even more annoyed that my digestive system is still off balance.

The worst part is that my solution to all these problems is to go back to ED behaviors.
Yet, ED is the one who caused the problems in the first place!

I am at a healthy weight and want to maintain but it's hard to resist urges to lose, considering I could lose 5 pounds and still be considered healthy, and it's difficult to rationalize my fears of gaining. I could gain five pounds and still be in a healthy weight range, but ED has deemed anything above my current weight to be taboo.

Sorry for the randomness of this post, but I needed to air my worries.
If you read this rant, do you have any suggestions?

On a side note, I've really enjoyed reading everyone's posts, and I also appreciate all your thoughtful comments!