Not really. Dan Ebberts has a technique on his motionscript.com site, but ultimately the pitfall is going to be in the evil combination of a few circumstances. for the most part the failure here is the text layers, which either require you to pre-compose or create another instance of sampleImage() intra-layer to derive their bounding box dimensions - AE doesn't do this natively. Furthermore you may run into problems if your funnel is not solid throughout, as in that case you will have to add even more code to decide on which side of the "line" presenting the wall your words actually are. another level of complexity is introduced by the wiggle - if it is created using an expression, you'd have to tie it in with your collision/ avoidance algorithm and either simulate physically correct bouncing (velocity vector, tangentiality checking) or find a way of keeping the "flow" by modulating the wiggle. All of this makes it not that terribly feasible to use expressions - at the point you have your code working in the way you want, you could have done it by hand. Looks good on paper, but not practical (unless someone has a pre-fab setup and would be willing to share it with you).

Besides Mylenium's great advice, and checking out Dan Ebberts' site (which should be done, regardless), have you considered doing this in a 3D program? Creating your cone primitive, and setting up some rigid/soft body dynamics with gravity would chop the mountain back down to a molehill.