general rants, musings, and observations from a lesbian mom who admittedly overshares. enjoy!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Playing House (a femme's view on a butch's cock)

She said to me, "I can't wait for my business to get going so you don't have to worry about working anymore..."

(...or something like that.)

But I like working.

"Just while you are in school... you know full time... so you can focus on your school."

(It was along those lines.)

But I like working.

I like meeting new people who are becoming new parents. I like talking with women who have never had a nurse explain to them the why or the how of what is happening to their bodies in labor... and delivery. I like looking at a scared father, mother, grandmother, partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, daughter, sister, friend in the face and saying, "Do you have any questions... at all...?" I like seeing their eyes scan the room, and look back at me almost in disbelief that I am asking them if they have any questions. I like waiting... for as long as it takes... for them to reply.

She said to me, "I want to be able to take care of you... and the kids."

(She's the perfect butch to my femme...)

But I like working.

It doesn't even feel like work some days. The nights when I am so busy I don't have time to pee... but I make time to swallow lukewarm coffee by the pints... those are the nights it feels even less like work. Because I know I am busy helping them, the women. I like showing her husband or mother or sister or partner or whoeverthefuck is supporting her... how to help her, so that they can become a part of this process and not "just" an observer. I like the thrill and delight that I see on her partner's face when he or she sees that new life slip out, finally free from confinement... then the look on her partner's face when he or she realizes just exactly how amazingly strong this woman, this MOTHER, really is.

She said to me, "That is... if you want me to take care of you... because I know you don't need me to."

(She knows.)

We take care of each other in too many ways for me to list here. But lately... I've been very interested in our "playing house." I've been studying S and wanting to find ways to put into words what it is about her that makes her butch. At first glance, I think it might appear that it's simply so because she is with me, who is so clearly femme. But... that is not accurate at all, she is not just butch against my femme...

In our playing house I often think about the traditional heterosexual roles in marriage and how I am often viewed as playing the part of the "good wife." Cleaning, making lunch, and always making sure I have a compliment for my husband. It makes me giggle. I was really a shitty wife when I was married to a real life husband, but now I feel like June Cleaver at times. Yes! June Cleaver with an immaculate kitchen and a mouth watering roast in the oven.

And S, is my Ward Cleaver.... wanting to take care of hir lady.

But unlike the Cleavers, we do not sleep in separate twin beds. And unlike June Cleaver, sometimes I wear the dick.

And bingo! There it is. Sometimes I wear the dick. Sometimes this femme straps on a dildo and fucks her butch. How very peculiar. And finally we are not playing house anymore. Finally we are not merely pretending to be heterosexuals. Finally we are free to be.

That's the thing... that's what make me her femme... I have to put my dick on. S doesn't. She has a cock that is more real that that dildo we "play with" on occasion. It gets big and hard everytime we fuck. Some may think or even say that this cock is all in our heads, but it's not, it's very very real and not just in S's head but actually between her thighs and sometimes, if I am lucky she even puts it between mine.

I hope you never stop writing, Elle. You're just too good at it. Your blogs are sometimes outrageous (in a more than good way), and are always thought provoking. I would swear your pen holds courage instead of ink. I enjoy all of your posts, even if I don't always comment. :)

Posting comments makes me feel vulnerable. I hesitate at each one of your blogs, wanting very much to comment and knowing that it would mean so much to you if I do, but afraid of being judged. I love how you are so bravely honest. I'm so proud of you. I love being your butch and feel my true authentic self coming out more and more every minute that I spend with you. I remember my whole childhood (and most of my adulthood) trying to fit into that box of feminine that was pushed upon me. "Don't you WANT to be pretty?" or my girlfriend agreeing with my mom that I would look great with just a little makeup. (I can't wait for the day my mom asks you that question) I've always felt butch on the inside, but I've also very much enjoyed being a woman. I am finally free to be who I really am with you. I look at some of the clothes in my closet now, clothes that I've purchased for a wedding or a cruise, and I know I will never HAVE to wear them again. I know that you will never expect me to succumb to the pressures of fashion for the sake of fitting in. I remember when we first chatted I told you I tell people I'm a butch, but they laugh at me. You promised you would never laugh at me and you never have. Your love and acceptance gives me the courage to live authentically for the first time in my life. I love you.

Your writing is completely inspiring and thought provoking. How you have learned and are learning about yourself helps me to learn about myself. I love this amazing relationship you have with S. Even your relationship with her provokes me to work on being a better person and developing deeper relationships. Be happy, be sad sometimes, crazy, funny, whatever...don't stop sharing.Love~~

Thank you too... to the assholes that I felt like somehow tried to stop me. Thank you too, you all know who you are... who tried to keep me from being who I really am. Thank you for being your psycho assholedness... because it just helped me see who YOU really are and then... I got to see who I really am.

Elle-you are an amazing woman with an open heart and mind. Your writing is amazing and like a previous comment said....this straight girl is also getting "schooled" The love and passion you two have for each other that you are able to put in words, blunt and to the point words, is absolutely amazing. Keep it up!