Wednesday, May 18, 2011

When They're Gone: A Farewell To Crazies

I'm really excited for the Rapture. All the hustle and bustle of Christian life will soon be quelled by the Almighty exhuming his professed followers from Earth to Heaven, leaving all the rest to suffer through war, famine, fire, brimstone, etc. You know, the usual.

If you're not familiar with the latest internet crazecrazy person doomsday sayer, you can check out some information here. For the short version, this guy has calculated that the Rapture will occur this Saturday, May 21. At precisely 6 p.m. Local time. Whether that's affected by daylight savings time is still unclear.

If you're note sure what all this particular Rapture will involve, or which 200 million people will be summoned to His side, the San Francisco Chronicle has provided a handy-dandy FAQ for you.

So why is this happening now? Cliff's notes: because the world was submerged under water and all life eliminated exactly 7000 years ago on May 21. Obviously. Oh, and Gays. You mustn't forget The Gays.

To all my Christian friends, I just want to say farewell and it's been nice knowing you. I've been furiously reading the Left Behind books (you may need to try the link a few times, it's a bit overwhelmed with everyone trying to cheat and read the abbreviated version), watching the movie and playing the video games just so I can understand what will come of me in the months leading up to the October 21 obliteration of the world. I do wish we could get one more Halloween in, but I understand there's a celestial time line that must be adhered to. Also, according to the video game, you will be able to drop literal prayer bombs on my head that strike with the power of a nuclear warhead. Now that's gonna hurt, but I gotta say that's pretty damn awesome, so good on ya for that!

To the rest of us heathens, I'm looking forward to actually getting some meaningful legislation passed in Congress. Once the Rapture occurs, we can pass all those pro-gay bills that supposedly discriminate against Christians. After all, you can't discriminate against a class of people that don't exist anymore, right?