162: Nutrition

I’ve been accused of many things in my life. Sometimes by friends, other times in Grand Jury proceedings. I’ve been accused of being insufficiently sensitive to the plight of others, and of course, it’s mirror accusation, being hypersensitive to my own plight. I’ve been accused of being to sexy for my shirt, but not sexy enough for my baseball cap.

I’ve been accused of being “Satan’s Spawn” (I get that one a lot). I’ve been accused of being “way too cheerful” at funerals (especially when I do the Macharena), and being too tall to qualify for the “little people” discount at movies. People accuse me of being tacky for insisting on going “Dutch” at dinner parties I throw. And people accuse me of being gauche when I go door-to-door for my campaign, ask people where their bathroom is, and then actually take a bath.

But the one thing I’ve never been accused of is being gullible (although if anyone ever did accuse me of being gullible, I’d believe ’em!!). But gullible is how I feel whenever I find myself believing another news report on some new nutritional discovery. I read these reports, then rearrange my whole life based on them. Less yogurt, more figs, less broccoli, more pez, etc. Then, a week later, a new report comes out completely repudiating the miracles discovered in the last one. A recent example is Green Tea. These were the findings of two studies:

February 2002 – Harvard University Green Tea Study: We have discovered
that Green Tea contains millions of flavanoids, coaguloids, and anti- Armageddons. This potent nutritional combination means that those who drink one gallon of Green Tea or more per meal can expect to have 83% less cancer, 96% fewer heart attacks and almost no Elephantitis. Green Tea Drinkers will have the same rate of gout. But their gout will be what we call “Happy Gout,” whose only symptom is a constant state of sexual ecstasy.

Further, Green Tea drinkers will think more clearly, have better complexions, and are less likely to be hit by a train. They learn foreign languages more easily, especially Portugeuse, and 67% of them have “wicked abs.”

Upon reading this study, I immediately gave up all other beverages, as well as going to work and communicating with my family. All I did all day was drink Green Tea. And although my abs did not become “wicked,” I wasn’t hit by any trains (there were two close calls) and thus I thought maybe Harvard was right. Then, two months later, I open the paper to read:

May 2002 – Yale University Green Tea Study: After reviewing the results of our new study, we recommend that all boxes of Green Tea have a mandatory skull and crossbones on them, except maybe we should add a harpoon going through the skull, to show just how toxic this stuff is. Our study shows that Green Tea’s deadly combination of free radicals and, what we call “Angry Rotweiler” cells, creates a potion more dangerous than any daisy-cutter bomb.

Green Tea drinkers are 84% more likely to contract rickets, 90% more likely to develop beri-beri, and almost 100% more likely to get “Green Teaitis,” a particularly nasty form of Gout whose main symptom is intractable post-coital depression. Further, Green Tea drinkers invariably wind up with what we call “Grandma Abs,” which can only be described as gruesome.

So now what do I do? It seems these contradictory studies only pertain to food. You never wake up to read the following headlines:

PEOPLE WHO HAVE 2-TON SAFES FALL ON THEIR
HEAD 40% LESS LIKELY TO DIE OF SEVERE HEAD
INJURIES, SURPRISING PRINCETON STUDY REVEALS