Effort to change irresponsible relative has limits

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Sunday September 15, 2013 5:42 AM

Dear Carolyn: I think I overstepped the in-law boundary.

My loving wife has a younger brother who lives near us. Brother is in his mid-30s but still
lives at home with their mom. I have tried to encourage him to move on and out of mother-in-law’s
house, to no avail. The three of them (my father-in-law is deceased) are always arguing about his
lifestyle, the women he dates (much younger) and how he doesn’t clean up.

So, here’s the issue: While my mother-in-law was away on a trip, my wife asked her brother to
baby-sit for us (we have two children younger than 5). He said he was busy (“new girlfriend”), but
I called him to encourage him to reconsider.

He did, but after the kids fell asleep, he called someone else over to baby-sit —a 19-year-old
cousin whom we don’t trust.

My wife was upset, so I had a few not-so-kind words with Brother. He hung up on me.

Well, it has been over a month with no contact. Mother-in-law is back, and she and my wife are
upset that he won’t attend any family functions because I told him not to come over to our house
unless he apologizes and starts getting it right.

I guess I should have let their family drama play out as a spectator, but now that I am in it,
how do I gracefully get out of it and return them to their previous dysfunctional selves?

— Mouthy Husband

Dear Mouthy: I see overstepped boundaries, but kicking out your brother-in-law till he “starts
getting it right” wasn’t one of them; you had justification to do that.

It wasn’t your place prior to that, however, to “encourage” him to support himself or even “
encourage” him to baby-sit after his initial refusal.

You can’t get in his business and then ask for favors. Each action undermines the other, because
he’s either irresponsible in your eyes or not.

Your path out of this dysfunction is for you to be consistent, starting now: Buy Brother lunch,
and spell out that you’ve been wrong to pressure him, be it to move out or baby-sit your kids or
change whatever aspect of his life you all have opined on uninvited.

Then explain that, with the baby-sitting incident, it wasn’t his life anymore, it was your
children’s. Say you’d like to hear that he gets that.

Obviously, this assumes that Brother will agree not only to meet you but also examine even one
of his dubious choices — a lot of assuming. You can only try though.