Wednesday, May 18, 2011

It’s been five years today since you died. I still can’t believe it. May 18th comes every year and I remember you are no longer with us (not saying I don’t think about you every other damn day, but this day is more heart wrenching then most).

You’ve missed a wedding. You would have loved J. I mean over the moon loved J. You wouldn’t have been able to understand his Aussie accent, but nevertheless you would be the one to sit and listen as he went on and on. He missed out on meeting you, and I hate that. I hate that he never got to meet you, and hear your laugh. I talk about you so much to him so I can remember the good things and share them with him.

You’ve missed a divorce. I know that you would have been really bummed out about that one, but my brother and the boys are doing great. They are really good boys! Jes is a big old sweetie, and Char is so silly.

You missed your first great-granddaughter. That one is a killer, because she is the apple of all of our eyes. She was born almost a year to the day after you died. G would have made your heart melt, like she does Pop. She would have had you wrapped around her little finger.

Mom misses you the most, I’m sure of it. You were her best friend. You two talked every day, and with all of the health issues that have plagued her over the past two years, she really could have used your support. Pop is a soldier, though. He has really taken on your “role” and does all the family things that you used to do.

I don’t think it will ever get easier, just less painful I guess. I try to picture you, Moo-Mama and Sissy playing bingo in heaven. Sometimes when it got really bad for me I wished so bad that God (or whoever it was) would have taken me instead of you. You were one-half of the rock in our family, and the broken piece that left when you died will never be able to be replaced.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

I figure I should post something since I’m getting tweets from friends making sure I’m okay.

I’m okay.

Really, I’m fine.

That’s kind of it. I’m fine. I’ve been sleeping too much, but that’s the medicine, not the depression. Lithium controls the “highs” of Bipolar (still kind of wondering why I was prescribed it when I don’t get “highs”, but it is the gold standard medicine), so it tends to make you sleepy.

Like I said in my last post (over a week ago? Really?), the meds have given me singular thoughts. My brain isn’t all aflutter with thought after thought. It’s more along the lines of Sling Blade now. I’ve gone kind of..blank.

Mmm hmmm….taters

I choose stupidity over depression for now. It sucks because I loooove to write, but the thought of moving forward, albeit in a drug-induced haze, beats crying half of the day away and thinking of suicide. Even the huge task of moving back to Australia isn’t anxiety propelling. There are just talks for now, and it feels like I have a future. I haven’t felt like I have a future for months and months.

I have been reading all of your blogs, even though it takes me up to a week. I am reading line after line because sometimes the words don’t sink in all the way. But I am there, I’m just in the background.

I’m really hoping that after another few weeks or month(s) the meds will finally level out and I will be an okay Hed without the drug fog. Maybe then the urge to write will come back. Maybe then I will be out and about and I will have stuff to talk about. Right now, all I can talk to you about is my sleep patterns and how my appetite has come back (Tiramisu cake pops from Starbucks are manna from heaven). I hope to see you all soon!

PS-I’m still on Teh Twitter if you want to talk or anything. It seems I’m good at 140 characters, maybe just not a whole blog post hee hee…

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Lithium makes me sleepy. All the time. If I’m not napping I’m crashed out on the couch, too tired to move. On top of that, it has given me focus, but on an extreme level. I have singular thoughts now-which should be a Godsend-but they are keeping me from any thoughts that have depth. I can’t read blogs or books at the moment because I’m re-reading sentence after sentence. What I mean is, I’m not scouring my brain for stories or ideas to write with. Everything in my head at the moment is pretty simple-minded. Even now I’m using a lot of effort to just finish this paragraph.

When I was depressed, feelings were all on the surface. It was like they were a needle poking me in the arm. They stung and they hurt. Now it’s like my arm is in a cast, and I can’t feel the needle at all. In essence this is a good thing because I’m not breaking down at stupid shit, but the numbness takes a bit of getting used to. I know there will come a time where I will forget how much I hurt and want to go off meds because I will want to “feel” again.

I’ve been sick since Sunday. I think I may have a stomach flu of some sort-compounded with the meds’ side effect of nausea-I am not a happy camper. I had to reschedule my psych appointment on Monday, and I hope I’m feeling well enough for my two appointments tomorrow-one being the "results" doctor. I’ll let you know what he says, and if I’m dying or anything.

So, in short, apologies if this whole post didn’t make sense or is fragmented. I stopped and started it like three times so I could try and stay on point. The shitty thing is, when I was depressed I was so aware of how I was feeling that I could write and write. Now that it is lifting, I am drawing a blank. I know the good outweighs the bad here, but I hope I don’t lose my writer’s brain. That would suck ass.