Mindful Parenting

By Christopher Joseph

“Every day our children spread their dreams beneath our feet – we must therefore tread softly!”

This quote by Ken Robinson, who is a world leading speaker on the development of education, creativity and innovation, is pinned to the back of my kitchen cupboard along with a few hundred other ones! But, this one in particular strikes me every morning when I reach for the breakfast bowls. It serves to remind me of the great responsibility that I have as a father. Sometimes the enormity of this responsibility feels overwhelming and at times even a burden, but at other times I realise what an incredible opportunity I have to contribute to the nurture and development of a young individual in this world, and then I feel very privileged. Sometimes I get it right, sometimes I don’t, but my intentions are always positive.

I have two children with my wife Sharon. Aled is six and Anwen is almost three. Aled goes to a local Welsh school and I currently share the care of Anwen with a local childminder, as my wife works as a full-time teacher.

The quality of the time that I’m able to spend with Aled and Anwen varies immensely, and what I’ve come to realise is that that quality is dependent not on the activity we’re engaged in but on my own state of mind when I’m with them. If I have a lot on my mind, then the degree to which I am able to be fully present in body and mind, and parent mindfully is severely eroded, and looking after them can sometimes feel like a chore. If I am able to be fully present, however, and completely engage with them, then the time we spend together can transform into what can often feel like a spiritual practice.

Over time I have learnt that the degree to which I am able to maintain this open and aware presence for them is dependent on two main factors: The frequency and depth of my own mindfulness practice and the amount of ‘other stuff’ I have going on in my life. This ‘other stuff’ more often than not relates to my work. As a friend recently commented, running stress reduction mindfulness courses can actually be very stressful! This is because it involves all of the things such as marketing, administration and accounts that go along with running any other small business.

But, so what? Isn’t it quite natural for us to have things on our mind? Does it really make a difference whether we are fully present for our children or not? As long as they are safe and have toys to play with it’s okay, isn’t it? They know we love them, don’t they? …Maybe!

These justifications of the mind are quite natural but then, as so often happens, something comes along and cuts through it all, and the veils of delusion fall away. This happened to me recently when I read an article by Buddhist monk and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh. (http://www.dailygood.org/more.php?n=4765a).

In his article he says:

“The most precious gift you can give to the one you love is your true presence. What must we do to really be there? Those who have practiced meditation know that meditating is above all being present: to yourself, to those you love, to life.”

He then asks: “Do you have enough time to love?”

My honest response to this was: “Sometimes!” And, furthermore, the stark realisation that I took away from this article was that love was an ongoing process that could potentially imbue all of my communication with my children, in all of its forms, be it verbal or non-verbal. Love after all is a verb. This, however, is only true if I am able to be present for them, and if I am not present, then how can I love?

It’s not easy of course. It never is. The things that often preoccupy my mind when I’m with my children and sit with me during meditation are the things that pay the bills! But, a question that I always carry with me, and one that I don’t think we should stop asking ourselves is: “Can I simplify my life?”

The answer for me at this present time is yes! I have already simplified my life since leaving behind the pursuit of an academic career in University. I am far more centred, content and happy since doing so, but there is always more that I can do, and am going to do, to simplify it further.

One of the corner stones of mindful parenting in my opinion, therefore, is our ability to be present for our children. I think that a big part of ensuring presence is not just practicing the art of present moment attention through meditation, but also taking whatever action is necessary to provide ourselves with enough space in which to be present in. What this means in practice for me is allocating sufficient time to simply be with my children, as free from distractions as possible, rather than trying to cram parenting time into an already busy schedule. The most precious gift that I think we can give our children, or anyone for that matter, is the ability to be present for them.

I think space is very important. Not only do we need to give ourselves space to parent mindfully, but I think our children also need space to be children mindfully! It’s a challenge as a father these days not to be overly influenced by the negative media portrayal of the so called ‘state of our society’, and the perceived dangers that are supposed to exist ‘out there’ for children.

The word balance comes to mind here, and that of course means different things to different people. As an example, we live on a road in a modern housing estate which has a cul de sac at the end. We have let Aled play on his bike out on the pavement by himself since he was 4, but we wouldn’t let him play on the busy mountain road behind our house. So I think with space comes the necessary boundaries which serve to define that space. I therefore believe that the provision of clear boundaries is also an important part of mindful parenting. Personally, however, myself and my wife try and establish these boundaries based on our own perceptions and experiences of the world and potential dangers that may exist rather than what we read in the papers.

My son has a veracious appetite for asking questions and uncovering how things work. I think, in part, this is due to the space he has been given when growing up to explore, to experiment and to discover, as well as to make mistakes and to learn from those mistakes. I haven’t always got it right by any stretch of the imagination. Sometimes I’ve been over-controlling, over-critical, I’ve shouted and I’ve smothered rather than supported them. These times have largely been born out of my own fears, and my own negative mental states, rather than anything terrible Aled or Anwen have actually done. I often find myself apologising when I feel that I have acted unskilfully, and I think this is also another important part of mindful parenting – admitting when you’ve got it wrong and taking whatever action is necessary to make amends.

I feel that the desire to try and control situations and my children’s behaviour is strong as a parent. I believe this is mainly due to a failure on my part to see things from their point of view, to recognise their needs as well as my own, and to my resistance in accepting who and what they actually are at this very moment – i.e. children. What I have come to realise over time is that through trying to control their behaviour to meet my own expectations, by repeatedly telling them what to do, I am inadvertently and subconsciously sending them the message that I don’t trust them to decide for themselves. Children do of course need guidance since generally they don’t possess the maturity to fully appreciate the consequences of their actions on themselves and others. I believe this guidance, wherever possible though, should come from exemplification in our own behaviour as parents and role models, rather than from controlling commands or critical comments.

And this, once again, isn’t easy of course. I think that mindful parenting is possibly the hardest work in the world, but it’s also potentially the most rewarding. In many respects I think mindful parenting follows the Breathworks 5 Step Process of Mindfulness. Firstly we have to bring awareness to our parenting, not only present moment awareness, but also awareness of their needs, our needs and the interrelation between the two. Secondly we have to be open to the unpleasant aspects – and I don’t just mean the dirty nappies! We have to be mindful of the expectations that we carry for our children, no matter how subtle, and the ways in which these expectations can serve as obstacles to our full acceptance of them and their behaviour in the present moment – they are after all, as well as being ‘little angels’, individual human beings who are constantly developing and growing up in what is an ever increasing complex world. Thirdly, we should seek out and fully appreciate the pleasant aspects; the cute smiles, the innocent comments and the unconditional love. Fourthly, we must try and hold both the challenging ‘unpleasant’ aspects of parenting and the pleasant rewarding aspects together in some form of equanimity, without being excessively swayed and consumed by one or the other. And, through doing so, we arrive at the fifth stage of choice – the choice to respond creatively rather than react habitually to whatever parenting situations arise.

It is often said that life’s a stage and that living is a dance. As a father who is trying to parent mindfully I feel that my role is one of a support dancer in the wings: supporting them where necessary, picking them up when they fall over, and above all letting them dance their own dance in their own way on their own stage of life.

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Chris is an excellent mindfulness trainer. His teaching, which is borne out of life experience, has a delightful quality of being clear and accessible whilst being delivered with warmth and humour. He is a gifted communicator with a calm and reassuring presence who has helped many people through his work.

Vidyamala Burch, founder of Breathworks and author of 'Living Well with Pain and Illness', ‘Mindfulness for Health’ and 'Mindfulness for Women'.

The Breathworks programme has given me an awareness of my body, my pain and the world. I feel that I can now respond differently to my pain. I already feel great benefits now, and I believe that with ongoing practice my life will be greatly improved. Chris is an excellent trainer. He communicated brilliantly. His understanding of mindfulness and the course was outstanding, and I felt that I could trust him with any concerns I had during the course.

This course has given me tools to deal with depression and has raised the importance of my well being. It has enabled me to find perspective and to pace my life in such a way that I don”t fall apart. Chris was excellent. He was empathetic, concise, funny, interesting, and could explain the different aspects of the course very well. He clearly knows his stuff and I”d like to attend more courses to improve my knowledge. He was also available at the end of the telephone or e-mail if need be… Thank you.

From the Breathworks course I feel that I have gained more self awareness, skills to cope better, and reassurance that it”s not just me who feels like I do! Chris has been a great trainer. He has been using innovative ways to help us remember key points such as the water tanks for the ”bigger container” and cushions for ”primary and secondary” suffering – they really did help… Thank you very much. I think I will take what I have learnt with me for the rest of my life.

Breathworks has given me a chance to put into practice, discuss and report back on methods that have helped me feel calmer and cope with anxiety. The routine of the programme has pushed me into practicing these methods regularly which will all round be beneficial to me. The material was explained well and methods were recalled on throughout the weeks. Individuals were given time and chance to speak without feeling pushed and Chris made it a comfortable environment in which to practice in… A successful course! Thank you.

On this course I have learnt techniques for being mindful in everyday life, such as mindful communication, and I am better able to respond now to certain circumstances, rather than react! I also found it very beneficial to be able to speak to others on the course. Chris is a very effective communicator, and I found the practical examples he gave to be extremely useful. He had a very calming influence on the group and he made me feel comfortable, and I felt as if I could mention as much or as little as I wanted too… Very good course, and I would recommend it to anyone wanting to spend some time with (and on) themselves!

I feel that I’ve got a sense of balance, perspective and an awareness of being a ”bigger container” from the Breathworks course. Chris communicated creatively with humour, confidence and humility… The course was most enjoyable.

The course has given me better tools to facilitate a more serene lifestyle, building my awareness, and learning to make time for me. I feel I have gained a broader perspective on things. I enjoyed Chris’ subtle yet effective methods of demonstrating key points of the course. He showed a lot of patience and fully supported my progress.

I feel more calm on a day to day basis as a result of practicing the techniques from the Breathworks course in everyday life. Chris is a very calm and easy going trainer. He delivers the material well and explains things carefully. I decided to enrol on the course following a recommendation during a CBT session, and I feel the two work well together.

The course was well structured and fun… I have learnt to take some time out for myself. The CD’s are really good for helping with the home practice. Chris was very good at recapping from the previous week, jogging the memory and then building on that information. He made us all feel at ease which enabled us to talk quite openly.

The Breathworks course has given me positive and constructive ”tools” for life and new ways of seeing the world. Chris was a super tutor. He made me feel involved and welcome even before the course began. He gave excellent and really thoughtful explanations and obviously really cared about what happened on and through the course… I have already recommended the course to others.

Through the Breathworks course I”ve recognised the benefit to my overall mood of stopping and giving my brain a chance to rest, reflect and be calm. Chris communicated the material really well – he organised the sessions to cover all the material while remaining relaxed and open to discussion. I thought Chris paced the course well, and broke it up into clear sections, with a clear theme to each section, with images and role play to leave a memorable impression. Thanks – I”ve really enjoyed the course… It’s made a difference to me.