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Friday, December 8th, 2006

8:41 pm

Top 10 (Underrated) Hot Chicks in Movies I'm not talking about your standard Jessica Simpson in "Dukes of Hazzard" or the cliche Jessica Alba from "Sin City," and certainly not Angelina Jolie in "Taking Lives," although those are all fine examples of lovely ladies. These are your underrated women, often forgotten and left out of "Hottest Actress" discussions. That shouldn't be. I'm here to remind you.

(In no particular order)

1. Cameron Diaz in "The Mask"-I never think she is hot, except this movie, her first. But wow, she looks great in this. Red dress....lovely. Gold sparkly one, excellent. You know you wanna re-watch this now.

2. Salma Hayek in "From Dusk Til Dawn"- What a great movie too. Salma Hayek is hot in everything, but if she comes at me with a giant snake, in an outfit like that, I don't care if she's a vampire, I am NOT running away.

3. Jennifer Aniston in "Along Came Polly"- I guess she is pretty popular, but I think she get's overlooked. I saw this on TV the other day, and when she is wearing those red boy shorts, damn. This guy knows what I'm talking about.

4. Nikki Reed in "Lords of Dogtown"- She is young. That's ok, I think she is of legal age now. She needs to be in more movies, because everytime I see her I am reminded of how hot she really is.

5. Megan Fox in "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen"- Gay movie, I know. But she is hot, I swear, I wouldn't lie. Saw her in a Maxim article, I believe, and again, she was hot. Luckily she is going to be in the "Transformers" movie, so soon everyone will know of her hotness. Just remember you heard it hear first.

6. Gabrielle Union in "Cradle 2 the Grave"- This movie was on TV the other night, and luckily I flipped onto it just as Ms. Union was performing a strip tease. Yes. Lucky me.

7. Hanna Verboom in "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalo"- Horrible movie, I know. But she almost makes it worth watching. No, seriously, she almost overshadows Rob Schneider's most horrific role since he was in "Surf Ninjas." Remember that movie?

8. Brittany Daniel in "Club Dread"- This movie is underrated, I swear. She is also hot in "Joe Dirt," which is on TV every month, so you no doubt have seen her before. She has a twin sister too (Sweet Valley High represent!). Hottest twins ever? It is very possible.

9. Amy Smart in "Outside Providence"- More well known (and still hot) in "Starsky and Hutch" and "Road Trip," she plays 1970's stoner sexy so well.

10. Jessica Böhrs in "Eurotrip"- You know, Mieke, the girl that the guys go looking for. People have seen this movie, right? Apparently she is a German pop-singer too? Hotter than Hasselhoff, that's for sure.

1. Wet Hot American Summer- Holy hell, so funny. This is one of those movies that gets funnier the more times you watch it. You will be using quotes from this movie, no doubt. All those guys from Stella and The State are in this. It's on Comedy Central a decent amount of times, so try to catch it next time it's on.

2. Slapshot- Seriously, if you haven't seen this movie, how can you call yourself a fan of comedy movies? THE BEST hockey movie of all-time, hands down. The Hanson brothers are cultural icons. Just an all-around hilarious movies, chock full of great quotes.

3. The Edge- O man, such a high quality movie. Your grandparents will even like this one. Anthony Hopkins is a great actor. Alec Baldwin is excellent in this movie too. This one is on TV alot too, so keep an eye out for it.

4. Escape from New York- Kurt Russell as Snake Plissken, rescuing the President from New York City, which has become a maximum security prison in (I love watching old movies that are set in the insane, nuclear future) 1997. Snake is one of the most badass movie characters. Stay away from "Escape from LA."

5. Pecker- NOT A PORNO! Comedy Central used to show this movie all the time, but I haven't seen it in awhile. It's a sorta artsy movie with Ed Furlong and Christina Ricci. It's funny, believe me, and "Shopping for Others" was a big source for killing boredom while in my high school years.

6. Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels- C'mon, you know Guy Ritchie is cool, even if he now is mostly Mr. Madonna. It's funny, with interweaving plots and some violence. Yes, it's British, but put your bias aside for two hours.

7. Big Trouble in Little China- Kurt Russell as Jack Burton. Damn, Kurt Russell must be a badass in real life, cause he is also awesome as shit in this movie. Not to mention Lo Pan is one of the gnarliest villians ever. http://www.jameshong.com/Lo%20Pan.jpg . All the proof you need.

8. Red Dawn- 1980's Republican war propaganda aside, this movie kicks ass. Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey before "Dirty Dancing", not to mention C. Thomas Howell, Lea Thompson, and Charlie Sheen. I watch this movie at least once a month. And go win a bet with this; Red Dawn was the first movie released with a PG-13 rating.

9. The Jerk- Steve Martin's first starring role. Classic. Just rent it, or wait for it to be on AMC. But make sure you watch it. So many funny lines.

10. Army of Darkness- Bruce Campbell in all his B-movie badass glory. Another candidate for most badass movie characters of all-time. Laugh out loud funny, with great battle scenes as well.

Much respect to "Cabin Boy," cause Chris Elliot is wacky in that movie. Go watch that one too.

House Band of the Afterlife... ...otherwhys known as deceased musicians that kick ass...no disrespect to any that didn't make the list, they are no doubt rockin out somewhere too...

1. Dimebag Darrell, lead guitar- Bringin' the shred. Dimebag will melt everybody's face off, just like he did when he was alive. His inclusion makes "Walk" a must on the setlist.

2. Joe Strummer, singer- The Clash kick so much ass. Now we can include reggae songs and Joe can show he wasn't just a punk singer. Although I would love to hear this band play "Train in Vain," cause that song is amazing.

3. Joey/Johnny/Dee Dee Ramone, singer/guitar/bass- Wow. Three of the original Ramones. That saddens me greatly. Joey stands in the front, all tall and lanky-like, Johnny to his right chugging away at guitar, and Dee to his left, keeping the tempo and keeping the songs flying with his "1,2,3,4!" Not to mention Dee Dee can bust out his Dee Dee King rapping.

4. Jam Master Jay, DJ- Jay also played drums, keyboards and bass. I read that the Run BMC look was based on his personal style of clothes. In other words, Jam Master Jay was the man. I wanna see everyone rockin laceless Adidas, The Ramones included.

5. Bob Marley, singer- Imagine the duets him and Joe Strummer would have. Bob can write the songs too, political ones no doubt. "One Love" with Marley, Joe strummer, and Joey Ramone singing, Dimebag soloing and Johnny Ramone powerchording, all with JMJ scratching in the background and started off, of course, with Dee Dee's count off? It sounds crazy, and yet so beautiful.

6. Jim Morrison, singer- Every group needs a heartthrob lead singer. Imagine "Light My Fire" with this group? The fuckin 7 minute version, none of that 3 minute radio-edit crap. You gotta love that deep, baritone voice. I want this Jim wearing his leather pants and no shirt look.

7. Jimi Hendrix, lead guitar- Oh you know we have 2 lead guitarists. Dimebag and Hendrix guitar duels? Yes please! Imagine the jams. Everytime I hear his version of the "Star Spangled Banner," it gives me goosebumps.

8. Ronnie Van Zant, singer- Ronnie needs to be included, of only for the possibility of hearing "Freebird," cause you know those assholes that always yell for it no matter what concert you're at have to die someday too. Imagine the triple guitar in "Freebird," but with Hendrix, Dimebag, and Johnny Ramone. So awesome.

9. Sid Vicious, bass- Sid Vicious was punk rock. So what if he couldn't play the bass much? And he gets to sing that Sinatra song, "My Way," cause you know that is fuckin rad at the end of "The Great Rock 'n' Roll Swindle."

10. Dennis Wilson, drums- Beach Boys, man. Plus we need him so that he can help arrange the vocal harmonies with Morrison, Strummer, Joey, Ronnie, and Marley. And he sang "Do You Wanna Dance?", and that song is awesome. A multi-instrumentalist, not just a drummer. A badass too, not just a multi-instrumentalist. When (former friend) Charles Manson showed him a bullet and said,"It’s a bullet. Every time you look at it, I want you to think how nice it is your kids are still safe," Dennis kicked his ass. BADASS.

I'm sure people are missing, but this is my ideal post-mortem band. I can't even imagine what the setlist would be, but it would kick ass without a doubt. Heaven, Hell, or wherever, we know these guys are in a good place, no doubt jamming with each other. Just the thought of it makes me smile like a Cheshire cat.

1. Last 10 minutes or so of "The Last of the Mohicans"- From when the tribe takes Duncan and gives back the girl. That music (you know which music I'm talking about) starts playing, and from then until the end, almost no words are spoken. The scenery in this movie is amazing, and it's such a sad, excellent ending to an awesome movie. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ToipONg1w74 . There ya go, if you lazy bums won't rent it.

2. Dennis Hopper's speech in "True Romance"- "True Romance" is such an underrated movie, definatly one of my all-time favorites. Such an amazing cast, and with Tarantino writing it you know it will be awesome. When Hopper is giving his speech about Sicilians to Christopher Walken, oh fuck. " I haven't killed anybody since 1984." Walken is genius.

3. When the Goonies enter the wishing well- From Mouth's (aka Corey Feldman) "So I'm taking it back. I'm taking them all back," to Mikey (aka Sean Astin) and his "Don't you realize? The next time you see sky, it'll be over another town. The next time you take a test, it'll be in some other school," this is the most powerful scene in a great movie.

4. Quint's speech in "Jaws"- Telling Brody and Hooper about the USS Indianapolis, the ship that delivered the atomic bomb. "So, eleven hundred men went into the water. 316 men come out, the sharks took the rest, June the 29th, 1945." Amazing.

5. Bill the Butcher ruins Leonardo DiCaprio in "Gangs of New York"- You know what I'm talking about. When Leo tries to kill Bill, and he gets his ass handed to him courtesy of about 10 Bill the Butcher headbutts. No doubt the best headbutting scene in movie history.

6. "Raiders of the Lost Ark" duel- Guy pulls out sword, swings it around menacingly at Indiana Jones. Indy pulls out gun and fuckin kills him. BADASS.

7. Pool scene in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High"- Come on, this is classic. Phoebe Cates is so hot in this. Not to mention this has been ripped off many times and is basically the original of all those teen movies. "Doesn't anyone fucking knock any more?"

8. Curb stomping scene in "American History X"- So graphic and violent. This scene is just insane. If you have seen this movie, you won't forget that scene. Ed Norton really is a great actor. In this movie it seems like he plays two different people. But yea, this scene, wow. Insane.

9. King Arthur vs. The Black Knight- "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" has so many great scenes, but this is perhaps the best. Hilarious. "Tis but a scratch." And how great is it when the Black Knight kicks King Arthur? Monty Python is genius.

10. "37?"- Like the above movie, it's hard to pick one scene from "Clerks," but you really can't top "37." If you've seen the movie, then you know. If you haven't seen the movie, go see it now! "In a row?" Fuckin customers.

Special shoutouts to "San Dimas High School Football Rules!" from "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure", the game show from "Mallrats", when Hannibal Lecter says, "Hello Clarice" in "Silence of the Lambs", and when Pee-Wee Herman jumps off the train while the hobo is singing in "Pee-wee's Big Adventure."

1. Saves The Day- With the new album, it's safe to say that the real Saves The Day is back. Nothing will be able to top "Through Being Cool," but this is totally a step in the right direction. Pop-punk to the nth power. Chris Conley writes great lyrics. Often called a Lifetime ripoff, but I feel they are the Lifetime of this generation, only with longevity.

2. Alkaline Trio- "Crimson" no doubt left a lot to be desired, but Alk3 writes great, morbid, catchy punk. They carry the torch that The Misfits once lit, not My Chemical Romance, not AFI, and certainly not fuckin Aiden. Sometimes I do miss the booze-soaked songs from the early years, but to each his own.

3. Brand New- From what I've heard of their new stuff, Brand New is not going away anytime soon. Jesse is a brilliant song writer. Brand New put out a great pop-punk album, then a great darker rock-emo-whatever album. I'm sure they could make a great hardcore album, a great metal album, a great rap album, whatever.

4. Dillinger Four- A true punk band. Gritty, political, satirical, catchy all describe D4. They put on a great fuckin show too. And they have the best use of sound clips in their songs by far. How about a new album guys?

5. HORSE The Band- I'm not sure what to call these guys. Hardcore, I guess, but with Nintendo-like keyboard songs. An amazing live band, the CD's aren't half bad either. Great musicians, even though it sounds like the words won't make it out of the singers' mouth because his teeth are clenched so tightly.

6. Paint It Black- True hardcore from Dr. Dan Yemin. Anything this guy touches is golden. Short, angry as fuck, political hardcore. I'm not sure if any song clocks in over 2 minutes. Paint It Black is proof that hardcore is not dead.

7. None More Black- They get a lot of shit for being to poppy. What the fuck is that all about? That throat from Kid Dynamite is too amazing to waste. None More Black definatly plays a melodic, poppy, punk, but it's awesome. Definatly stoked for the new album.

8. Thursday- Thursday write's great, thought-provoking, deep lyrics. Who cares if they are popular or on MTV or the radio? Not me. "Full Collapse" is a masterpiece of an album.

9. The Lawrence Arms- Gritty pop-punk. Old stuff material is good, with the smooth Chris songs and harsh Brendan songs, but the new record with both guys singing together is great. Everytime I listen to my Lawrence Arms albums, I pick out a great new line or have a new favorite song. An important as hell band.

10. Teenage Bottlerocket- I've mentioned these guys in a few other lists, and it's cause they fuckin rule. With no more Screeching Weasels, these guys seem to be the last of the Ramones-core punk bands, and they do it fuckin stellar. They are touring the US this summer, check them out. This means you!

1. The Ramones- Literally, considering that 3 of the originals are dead. I wish I had gotten to see The Ramones live. They truly are timeless. New kids will always be getting into The Ramones, and that is awesome.

2. Guns N' Roses- It doesn't matter that the new CD might come out, that isn't GNR, you need Slash, Duff, Izzy, and Steve Adler. THAT is Guns N' Roses. It makes me sad to see Axl parading around this fake ass imitation. Still, even if they make an album of ducks farting on a snare drum backed by Italian folk songs and banjo, nothing can fuck up the legacy left by "Appetite for Destruction."

3. Kid Dynamite- God I wish I had seen a reunion show. Kid Dynamite is so fuckin good. Melodic hardcore that kicks ass. They don't get us much love as Lifetime, and I don't understand why.

4. Naked Raygun- Chicago old school punk. Apparently had insanely violent, wild live shows. I was born 10 years too late. The Misfits apparently stole the "whoa's" from them. Go pick up their album "Understand?", you won't regret it.

5. The Misfits- Just cause they borrowed the "whoa's" from Naked Raygun doesn't mean they don't fuckin rule. The current, touring Misfits, get ready, ARE NOT THE MISFITS! The Misfits are only the Misfits if Danzig is singing. Fuck Michael Graves.

6. The Doors- You may not like them because of the organ, but The Doors are good. I would love to have seen "Riders on the Storm" live. Jim Morrison was awesome, without a doubt.

7. The Clash- God I hope they don't tour with Tim Armstrong singing. You cannot replace one of the greatest men ever, Joe Strummer, with Tim Armstong. Nothing against Rancid (everything against The Transplants), but they just don't quite stack up to The Clash. Fuck, the way that the punk rock house band in the afterlife is shaping up, death ain't looking so bad.

8. Minor Threat- The forerunners of Straight Edge, hardcore, and the DC music scene. Ian MacKaye, we salute you.

9. Smoking Popes- Again, a reunion show I would have died to have seen. The Smoking Popes are so good. They need way more attention. The crooning vocals over that music is awesome. Come to the east coast, please.

10. The Police- The Police are quality. People hate on them for some reason, maybe because they don't like Sting. Come on now, The Police wrote awesome songs. Look at a list of their hit songs and see for yourself. Face it, The Police are fuckin good. Haters.

1. Dawn of the Dead- The 1978 version, although I felt that the newer one was a pretty good re-make. Still, you just can't beat the original. Not to mention this is everyone's fantasy, being locked in a shopping mall. Well, aside from the whole brain eating zombie's trying to get to you. The chaotic ending with the biker gang is awesome too. Awesome movie. Night of the Living Dead and Day of the Dead are worth watching too, but Dawn is #1.

2. Halloween- The best slasher/psycho killer movie, no doubt. Michael Myers kicks Jason and Freddy's ass any day. This is great cause he is a real person and not some demon zombie dream monster or whatever. Not to mention the score is one of the best, right up there with the theme from Jaws.

3. Texas Chain Saw Massacre- Again, the original 1974 one, although Jessica Biel was hot in the re-make. When they pick up that crazy hitchhiker guy, jesus christ, that guy is either one hell of an actor or he is really fuckin crazy. And the dinner scene, just madness. Such a great movie.

4. The Exorcist- While I don't believe in demons and what not, this movie is still pretty creepy. Linda Blair played that little girl so excellently. Such a big deal is made about that deleted scene where she does the "spider walk", and I gotta admit, it's a cool, creepy effect.

5. Phantasm- I honestly couldn't even tell you what this movie is about, it really makes no sense, but Angus Scrimm aka The Tall Man is so creepy, he will stay with you forever. It involves (literally) Jawas like from Star Wars, that creep show called The Tall Man, and this gnarly little flying orb that drills into people's heads. So weird, so awesome, so worth seeing.

6. The Lost Boys- I guess this isn't really a horror movie, but it's a vampire movie, and easily my favorite vampire movie. Not to mention it features hardcore 80's style, complete with Alex Winter (Bill S. Preston, Esq.) in his only other movie appearance that anyone has seen.

8. Hellbound: Hellraiser II- I like this one better than Hellraiser for one simple reason: MORE CENOBITE ACTION. Pinhead is awesome, end of discussion. Clive Barker's idea of Hell is also awesome. Just a bloody, weird film.

9. House of 1000 Corpses- This is pretty much a Texas Chain Saw ripoff, but that's what Rob Zombie was going for. Definatly pays homage to old horror movies. Pretty violent movie, and Baby's laugh is annoyingly evil. Haven't seen Devil's Rejects yet, but I hear good things. I love the police officer execution scene, panning the camera out for what seems like forever until BANG, back into real time.

10. Scream- Come on, when we first saw this movie, it was awesome. I recently watched it again, and it's definatly a hip, smart movie. It pokes fun at itself and other slasher movies, but it's great. Funny, with a fresh (at the time) cast, this helped bring back the slasher movie genre, and was no doubt the best of them. I don't wanna hear about I Know What You Did Last Summer, unless it has something to do with Jennifer Love Huge-tits.

5. Best Interest, "Magic Sticks in December"- Quite possibly the worst name for a song ever, but give it a chance. Very catchy music, similar to Rufio, but without that shitty bland vocalist. It wouldn't be hard to imagine this song on TRL I suppose.

6. Samiam "Dull"- Samiam is so underrated. Kinda punk, indie, whatever, I don't know, call it emo if you want, it's good. Samiam is influential, for real. One of those bands that should have been popular. I hear they are making a new album?

7. 2*Sweet, "To the Victims go the Spoils"- They remind me so much of Saves The Day, which is good. Pop-punk does not have to be bad. This is proof. Seriously.

8. Ice Cube and Dr. Dre, "Natural Born Killaz"- Gangsta rap. This song gets me pumped up. Has one of those old school gangsta rap beats, not corny at all, just hardcore. Violent and memorable lyrics. The opening gunshot sound alone gets my blood flowing.

9. Warren Zevon, "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner"- Come on, you know Warren Zevon. You probably know this song too. But you can't deny, it's a fuckin gnarly song. "Patty Hearst, heard the burst, of Roland's Thompson gun and bought it," is one of the best endings (hell, one of the best single parts) of any song ever.

10. Millencolin, "Bullion"- I first heard this song on some Vans compilation I got back in the day. This is just a fun, catchy, awesome song, easy to relate to. Listen to the damn song. "Bullion" fuckin owns you.

Download (downloading is bad and top10lists does not condone downloading), rip, burn, purchase, steal, stream, listen, or whatever else you gotta do, but get these songs.

Essential Movies... ...that should be viewed before the completion of high school, but preferably before

1. Stand By Me- The ultimate coming of age movie. I remember seeing this when I was young and not really understanding it. Watching it now, such a powerful, awesome movie. River Phoenix was a great actor for such a young kid. Best Stephen King movie (even though Pet Cemetary had the awesome Ramone's song).

2. Goonies- I thought that everybody had seen this movie, but apparently I was wrong. Several of my college buddies had never seen it before...what cruel parents! When I'm a parent, Goonies is required material by at least age 7.

3. The Kevin Smith series (Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma)- When Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back was released, it automatically replaced Mallrats as the "gateway" Smith film. I like Strike Back, but that's a shame. The hilarious Mallrats led to the more adult themed (but equally funny) Clerks, which led to the romantic Amy, and then finally the religious Dogma. Strike Back is great, but seeing the other first just makes sense (to learn the characters, stories, etc.).

4. Fast Times at Ridgemont High- Funny, classic movie. Spicoli is one of the most classic characters in movie history. Phoebe Cates and the infamous pool scene is excellent. Serious themes also abound, but no doubt Sean Penn steals the show.

5. Endless Summer- I don't care if you are a surfer or not, you need to watch this movie. The landscapes are just amazing. The classic story-telling voice of Bruce Brown makes this a soothing, relaxing, and fun film.

6. The Breakfast Club- Come on. I feel like I'm insulting your intelligence by telling you about these movies. If you haven't seen this, what are you waiting for? Probably THE classic teen movie.

7. Pee-Wee's Big Adventure- Pee-Wee Herman was awesome, at least before the whole masturbation thing. This movie is just crazy. The whole Pee-Wee Herman concept just seems so drug-inspired and insane, you can't not love it.

8. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure- The Keanu Reeves character (you know, the one he plays in every movie) makes its debut here. George Carlin is awesome as Rufus. This movie is seriously funny. Re-watching it after not having seen it since I was a little kid, it's probably even funnier than I recalled. Excellent Adventure > Bogus Journey.

9. Silence of the Lambs- Maybe the best movie ever made. Hannibal Lecter may be the ultimate movie bad guy. I wish I was old enough to have seen it for the first time in the movie theater. It must have been amazing on the big screen. Smart, thrilling, entertaining, just a great movie. Does anyone dislike this movie?

10. Outside Providence- The best of the "stoner" movies. Funny but not ridiculous, and the romantic story line is good too. Even if you really aren't a fan of drug-themed movies, this one is worth watching. It was the 70's what do you expect?

You've probably seen most, if not all, of these movies. Go watch the ones you missed.Now.

1. The Simpsons- THE cartoon. Funny, offensive, smart, everything. So many characters, such a big world. The Simpsons are a part of American culture. They will not go away. I am excited for the Simpsons movie. Funny for kids, adults, everyone.

2. GI Joe- This was the shit. The GI Joe movie is also an awesome movie. How can you not love the little tips at the end of episodes during the first few seasons? "Knowing is half the battle!"

3. South Park- I thought that South Park was starting to get weak, but I liked the past few seasons, and this one is definatly off to a great start. Funny as all hell, yet you still get a nice little message at the end (they must have ripped off GI Joe).

4. Family Guy- I gotta admit it, South Park shit on Family Guy last week. It's true that most of the random clips are interchangeable, but those random scenes are what makes Family Guy. Sometimes it's great to just kick back and laugh your ass off and not have to think much. And what's funnier than the greased up deaf guy? http://greasedupdeafguyattack.ytmnd.com/

5. Thundercats- O hell yes. Thundercats was awesome. Sure it's a pretty big Star Wars ripoff, but if you're gonna copy something, what better than Star Wars? Not to mention Cheetara was smokin hot. And yes, cartoons can be hot. See Jessica Rabbit for details.

6. Scooby Doo- Everyone loves Scooby Doo. I don't even know if they still make new ones, or how old the original ones actually are, but it's still fun to watch. You know how it ends, with the mayor being the monster, but you just gotta watch it to hear them complain about "those meddling kids."

7. Clerks- It's a shame they only aired 2 episodes of this on TV. I got the boxed set, and it is damn funny. A cult classic, like much of Kevin Smith's work. I guess the jokes are more adult-oriented, but this doesn't diminsh the overall funny-ness.

8. Pinky and the Brain- Damn, I wish they aired re-runs of this show. Such a funny show. Watching it now, there was so many jokes I would never understand as a kid, but were for some reason still appealing to me then. Kids will laugh at anything.

9. Recess- Recess came out when I was older. This was definatly a kids show, but I could appreciate all the different stereotypes, areas, and jokes of the playground. A tad bit exaggerated, but you will no doubt recognize at least one character that you had at your own school.

10. The Ren & Stimpy Show- Gross-out humor is still funny, and this was the best cartoon at that. I had one of those Stimpy dolls that farted when you squeezed his stomach. Charming.

1. Social Distotion "Live at the Roxy"- Mike Ness' voice is flawless live. Anyone that has seen Social D live knows this is true. They do Cash better than Cash (blasphemy, I know. Suck it).

2. Eric Clapton "Unplugged"- Yes, Unplugged is live. Eric Clapton is a wonderful guitar player. This is best known for the song "Tears in Heaven," but is by far not the only good one. Blues is meant to be heard live. Clapton proves this.

3. Kiss "Alive"- How many bands best CDs are live CDs? I'm not sure, but Kiss may be one of them. Talk shit on them if you want, but you all know Kiss is the shit. Released in 1975, and it still rocks your face off.

4. The Ramones "Loco Live"- Ramones live songs are all played faster. Doesn't matter, they are still as catchy and awesome as the studio versions. And it wouldn't be the Ramones without the counting off of every song. We miss you Joey, Johnny, and Dee Dee.

5. Alice in Chains "Unplugged"- I didn't really get into the whole grunge thing. I was basically just listening to the Ramones during that time. But yea, anyways, Alice in Chains were good. This CD is way better than the very overrated Nirvana Unplugged. Hell, Alice in Chains was way better than the very overrated Nirvana.

6. Bad Religion "Tested"- 27 songs. Fast and melodic, with smart, socially charged lyrics. Don't forget the first rule of Bad Religion shows: no encores. So don't bitch about this not having your favorite song on it.

7. Bad Brains "Live"- HR was an insane front man. Many people argue that "The Youth are Getting Restless," another live album, is better, this is so raw and hardcore, yet, you can't not love it. Listen to this album, and then I dare you to say something bad about Dr. Know.

8. Metallica "S&M"- This is that live CD recored with the full orchestera. Even if you aren't the biggest Metallica fan (myself included), the sound is big and tight. If at all possible, download this one and stick it to that asshole Lars.

9. Face to Face "Live"- Face to Face is so good. They just fuckin are. This has all the hits, minus "Disconnected." And they do one hell of a Social D cover. Admit it, Face to Face is good.

10. MxPx "At the Show"- MxPx I'm up in the air about. I'm not a big fan of the Jesus songs. They do one hell of a "KKK Took My Baby Away" cover though. Some of the songs are fast, tight, quality punk rock songs. Ok, ok, I'll admit it, this CD is pretty good.

Good bands have good live CDs. Good Charlotte does not have a live CD. Any questions?

1. Why do people like Larry the Cable Guy?- Redneck is NOT COOL! This goes for you too, Foxworthy. But seriously, it is not cool to be a redneck. Period. Git-r-done is not funny. It's uneducated stupidity. Hell, the guy isn't even from the South, he was born in Nebraska. Verdict: Larry the Cable Guy sucks.

2. Why tobacco?- Why do people start smoking?- Is it to look cool? Honestly? This isn't the 1950's, this isn't Grease. At least cocaine users can say they use for the high of it. Cigarettes, not so much. And then there is chewing tobacco, or dip. Would a girl ever want to kiss a guy with black shit in their teeth? Ladies, seriously, would you?

3. Why do emo kids wear skin tight girl jeans?- It might be to not "conform". It could be because they are testicle-less. I think it's the later. How the fuck do they even get into those jeans? Where do they put their dicks? That cannot, repeat, cannot be comfortable. What band made this popular, I need to know.

4. How is country music popular?- I know the answer to this is because much of America is uneducated, but I want to believe that's not the case, that we are better than that. But what else explains the fact that singing about trucks, drinking, and being a redneck equals cool? I could honestly make a song called "I Left my Baby by the Barn," and it would probably be played on country radio. As ridiculous as that sounds, can you dispute it? Not when there are songs called "The Watermelon Crawl" folks, you just can't.

5. Why do people litter?- I'm not even some Green-peacing, save the planet guy, but it just seems rude. Doesn't it take more energy to roll down that window, reach out, and throw that cup into a patch of grass than it does to just leave it in your car and carry it in your house with you?

6. Why is hockey not popular in America?- I've been a hockey fan for many years now, and I must say, the new NHL is more exciting than ever. There may be too many teams, but the play has never been better. The shoot-out, which I was originally not a fan of, has won me over. It's exciting. ESPN needs to devote a little more time to hockey, and NHL needs to spend some dime and market some of the stars. If more people saw this ( http://youtube.com/watch?v=pnfjwK8ya6Q ), I'm sure hockey could win some fans. Give it a chance people. And on that same note...

7. Why is NASCAR so popular?- NASCAR is NOT a sport. You will not convince me other whys. Guys drive around in a circle. End of story. Save me your arguments that they have fast reflexes, are driving dangerous speeds, and make difficult maneuvers. IT TAKES NO ATHLETIC ABILITY TO DRIVE A CAR! 79 year old, 280 pound women drive cars. They do not do between the legs dunks, throw balls 90 mph, or drop into 30 foot waves (yes, surfing is a sport). But they fucking drive.

8. Why do they teach us script?- Cursive, script, whatever. Remember learning that shit back in the day? And the teacher would say how you need to learn it because that's how you write when you're an adult? That is bullshit. The only thing you need to learn to write in cursive is your name (signature, dumbass). Everything else, you can print. 80%+ of all stuff is on computers now anyways, and do computers use cursive as a font? No. Christ hell, school and its busy work.

9. Why go greek?- By greek, I am talking about sororities and frats. Why do people feel the need to join them? Just to have access to alcohol and parties? You can get into most parties anyways, especially if you are a girl. I don't wanna hear that they join because it looks good on paper or for charity reasons or so that they can get a job. Work hard like everybody else. Paying for your friends (I'm sorry, your "brothers") does not make you the man.

10. How do meteorologists get paid when they are always wrong?- Maybe I should be asking myself why I'm not getting into this field. Seriously, how often is the weatherman right? This might be up there for best job EVER. Get paid for guessing the weather, regardless if you are correct. I need to get paid to guess the outcomes of sports games, instead of LOSING money on them.

Best "Best of..." CDs Greatest Hits CDs. For the casual fan who only enjoys the hits. For the hardcore fan craving b-sides. For long road trips so that skipping tracks is out of the question. Go get these.

2. The Ramones "Hey! Ho! Let's Go:The Anthology"- Something like 60 songs on these two CDs, so you get a good bang for your buck (I've always wanted to say that). It's the Ramones, what else needs to be said. Good fucking punk. They wrote the book.

3. The Beach Boys "Greatest Hit Volume 1"- I've always liked the Beach Boys, and not just cause I'm a surfer. The smooth harmonies are just so damn catchy. Put this CD on straight through and you'll be surprised how many Beach Boys songs you know the words to. Seriously.

4. Minor Threat "Complete Discography"- Hardcore at it's finest and most true. If you aren't listening to Minor Threat, ask yourself why. "Always gonna keep in touch, never want to use a crutch!" sXe

5. Poison "Poison's Greatest Hits 1986-1996"- This is probably the first list of all time to have the Beach Boys, Minor Threat, and Poison all in a row. Fuck it. Poison kicks ass. Glam-pop-cheese-metal at it's finest. Also, Poison was the greatest VH1 Behind the Music ever. And someone say something bad about "Every Rose Has It's Thorn."

6. The Cure "Galore"- Any CD with "Pictures of You" on it should be purchased, even if it is the bastardized radio version. Some label The Cure goth, some post-punk. Whatever. It's pop music. It's fuckin beautiful, melodic, moody, catchy, etc etc. Basically Robert Smith > you.

7. Screeching Weasel "Weasel Mania"- I only recently got into Screeching Weasel. Basically, it's pop-punk like the Ramones. But I'll be damned if the song "Racist Society" isn't a social commentary and a half.

8. Face to Face "Shoot the Moon"- I love Face to Face. Catchy, fast, and loud. Ironically doesn't include the song "Shoot the Moon," which is a good one. Face to Face is just plain fun. You can't help but get into "Disconnected."

9. The Doors "Best of The Doors"- Jim Morrison was the man. I guess I'd fall into the "casual fan" category with The Doors, but they are still awesome. I read an article in Guitar Magazine talking about how Morrison recorded vocals for a song while getting head in the studio from his girlfriend. I bet Mozart didn't think of that.

10. The Descendents "Somery"- Humerous, but at the same time smart. Blink no doubt owes a lot to The Descendents. It doesn't take an expert to see the genius of songs like "All." There ya go. You already learned the words.

Desirable Mutant Powers... You know you have always wanted some kind of mutant/magical power. It's possible you've had debates with your friends over what powers would be best to have. Here ya go, end of debate.

1. The Zack Morris "Timeout!"- You've seen Saved by the Bell. Another great TV show that should be purchased on DVD. Remember when Zack would out of nowhere bust out a "timeout!" and then break the fourth wall and talk to the viewers, while everyone else around him stoped? BEST POWER EVER! Imagine the possibilities! You can stop time! You just can't top that! Zack Morris, hands down, best mutant ever.

2. Shapeshifting (aka morphing)- You get to be anyone, or anything else. How cool is that? Again, the possibilities are almost endless. Too bad you can change yourself into Einstein and still be a dumbass. If only you could get people's skills too and not just look like them. Ah well...

3. Flying- This is usually the one people will say first, along with the next one. It would be incredible to fly, there is no denying that. Just gotta be careful you don't get mistaken for a terrorist jet and shot down.

4. Invisibility- I think the reason this one is so popular is because guys are huge pervs. People that say they wanna be able to turn invisible will no doubt then also explain how cool it would be to watch girls naked, etc etc. I guess it would be a cool power, although personally I'd rather have powers like The Shadow, so you could cloud people's minds...which brings us to...

5. Mind Control/mind reading- Oh yea! Manipulating people's minds? That is a pretty evil power. I'm not so sure I would want to read everyone's thoughts about me, but a cool power nonetheless.

6. Super Strength- Now by acquiring super strength, I assume you are strong EVERYWHERE. No you sick fucks, I'm not talking dirty, I mean leg muscles. Like this would make you run really fast too. So instead of making a spot for super speed, I throw it in with super strength. We've all been in a spot where we wish we could pick up that goddamn bus that's in the way, haven't we?

7. Teleporting- Like Nightcrawler. BAMF. Hell yea. That would eliminate travel costs. You would be a badass at every sport. Not to mention the ladies would love you. This is only desirable if it comes without the blue skin and devil tail.

8. Healing Factor- Like Wolverine. Heal fast. Mad fast, yo. You would live a really long time, basically until you wanted to kill yourself. Become the best boxer ever. Or maybe the best soldier. I'll stick to boxing.

9. Super Smart- Like Beast. I only want this under one condition. I remember in the X-Men cartoons, Beast would be writing 2 different things at the same time, one with his left hand, and one with his right hand. That is so fuckin rad. Way better than patting your head and rubbing your stomach at the same time. Way better.

10. Ground Pound- Like Goro (or Sheeva if you nasty). This is more of a cool party trick, but might come in handy in like, basketball. I always wondered how he teleported through the ground, then fell from the sky for the smash. Imagine the look on everyone's faces when you teleport through the ground and come flying from the air for the monster dunk. Sportscenter for sure.

Jubilee's firework making was #11. Not really. Does anybody like Jubilee?Slut.

Movies I can't help watching when they are on TV... You know you've done it.So you're doing some channel surfing (does anyone say that anymore?), and all of a sudden you stumble across a movie that you've seen hundreds of times, probably know all the lines to, and yet for some reason, you can't turn it off and wind up watching it again.

These are those movies for me.

1. Jaws- This movie always seems to be on either TNT or TBS, I forget which one. This is a great fucking movie. Name me a scene in cinema history that is more excellent than Quint's speech about the USS Indianapolis. And how can you not love the drunken singing of "Farewell and adieu to you fair Spanish ladies..." Christ hell I love this movie

2. Dazed and Confused- Is it just me or is this movie on every week on AMC? Is it just me or is Matthew McConaughey as Wooderson one of the all-time great movie dudes? I don't think I've actually seen this movie other than on TV, with all the cursing edited out. Solid fuckin movie.

3. Die Hard: With a Vengeance- Bruce Willis AND Samuel L. Jackson? Sign me up! And the 4 gallons of water with a 5 gallon and 3 gallon jug riddle is awesome. It has a couple of answers, and it always pisses me off that they never explain it in the movie. Google it if you want the answer.

4. The Breakfast Club- This is a timeless, essential movie. It's not all that funny, but there is just something about it, you can't not like it. Bender is the epitome of badass.

5. Kindergarten Cop- This movie is ALWAYS ON! But it's funny! It features one of Arnold's best lines (maybe best ever?), "It's not a toomah!"

6. Dumb and Dumber- I seriously might know every line in this movie. But I still fuckin watch it. I'm not sure if it's even funny anymore. But I watch it.

7. Goonies- Another movie that is required. No getting around it. One of my all-time favorites. I could watch this on repeat and not get sick of it.

8. Joe Dirt- I think the first time I saw this, it had funny parts. Now, not so much. Maybe I can't turn it off because of Brittany Daniel, who is way hot. Have you seen Club Dread? OK, probably not, but she is hot in it. And that movie really isn't that bad.

9. A League of Their Own- I dig Tom Hanks in this movie. It's a good movie, honest. This doesn't make me gay cause I like this does it?

10. Son in Law- You know, that one with Pauly Shore. Unlike about 165% of the country, I don't hate Pauly Shore. His movies ammuse me. Sure he plays the same character in every fucking movie, but thats cause he truly is the Weasel. If nothing else, watch this movie for Tiffani-Amber Thiessen (aka Kelly Kapowski).

Notice the list did not include The Mummy, The Mummy 2, The Transporter, The Fast and The Furious, or any Cheech and Chong. SO STOP PLAYING THESE MOVIES EVERY SINGLE DAY!

Also, much apologies to Kid N Play for not including House Party, cause that movie is the shit for real.

2. Get A Life- Another insanely funny show that was killed off far too early. It was on FOX back in the day...I remember watching this with my dad and thinking it was funny, and not even understanding it all. Re-watching it as an adult, trust me, is magical. AND it has the best theme song ever, which I won't spoil. Chris Elliot as a 30 year old paperboy=comedic genius...this needs to be reissued on DVD, preferably as a full season and not just a "best of..." which runs for like 50 bucks on Amazon. Bunch of savages.

3. Married...with Children- Al Bundy may be the single best dad in TV history. I've had countless debates with people over which next door neighbor is better, Jefferson or Steve. This kind of stuff keeps me up at night.

4. Roar- Remember that show? With an 18 year old Heath Ledger as a young Irish warrior? This was a good show. Good fighting, hot warrior chicks, and only lasted one season. P.S. What the fuck is with Fox having all these awesome shows and cancelling them?

5. In Living Color- Seriously, just watch 2 episodes on BET. Hell, just watch the opening credits and see all the (soon to be) big names. Classic, hilarious skits like Homie the Clown, Fire Marshall Bill, and Men on Film are still funny to this day. Look out for Jennifer Lopez and Rosie Perez as Fly Girls.

6. Two Minute Drill - I saw a re-run of this the other day on ESPN Classic. I love the people's specialties...so random. The guy that won answered a question on the 1958 San Francisco Giants. I think I'd pick my high school basketball team as a specialty category and I'd still probably get the question wrong.

7. Impossible Heists- This one was on for one season, last year, on Court TV. Basically, 2 teams recreate famous, unsolved heists. Seeing how these people pulled off stealing the stuff was pretty cool, I gotta admit. It made me want to go out and knock off an art gallery. http://www.courttv.com/onair/shows/impossible_heists/index.html ...check it out for yourself...I gotta email Court TV or something and tell them to air re-runs.

8. Salute Your Shorts- Two seasons of excellence. You can't argue with Budnick's red mullet. Recognize. Best show on Nick

9. Baywatch- This show ushered millions of boys, myself included, into manhood. Could be so cheesy, and that makes it even better. Does anyone remember that episode when Carmen Electera and Hobie win a fucking dance contest? Ri-goddamn-diculous. This show is like a who's who of beautiful women.

10. Son of the Beach- Along the lines of Baywatch, but even funnier (and I think this one meant to be funny). Notch Johnson? Cmon, admit it, that name is fucking genius. Apparently this was on for 3 seasons? Who knew? Why doesn't FX air re-runs of this? Fuckin TV man. Can't live with it, can't live without it.

P.S. Many apologies to The Adventures of Pete & Pete...Just couldn't squeeze you guys in. But you guys kick ass

3. Kevin Federline "PopoZão" - http://www.collegehumor.com/movies/1656067/ - Not just the song. Kevin Federline listening to his own song. Good god. If you can't handle it all, at least fast forward it to the 1:43 mark. Is anyone else crossing their fingers that the Honky Tonk Man busts in the room and hits him in the head with one of the guitars in the background? I'm just saying...

8. Dave Chappelle "Piss on You" - http://youtube.com/watch?v=7fXI0yhEjkU - You have also probably seen this. It is also just as funny as you remember it. Chappelle Show was a tough one not to include on the TV show list.

6. This Is My Suitcase - http://myspace.com/thisismysuitcase - Acoustic, sugar-coated pop music like a motha fucka. Me tested, girl friend approved (bonus points if you knew that was from Kix commercials).

7. Fireworks - http://www.myspace.com/fireworkshc - Take some pop-punk, a pinch of hardcore (gang vocals anyone?), and a heaping spoonful of Can't Hardly Wait, and you got these guys.

8. Teenage Bottlerocket - http://myspace.com/teenagebottlerocket - Ok, so I'm sure a lot of you have heard of them, but if you haven't then there ya go. Ramones-esque pop-punk. Music done right. Your parents could probably listen to this. Honest.

9. Gloria - http://myspace.com/glorianj - Like it says on the page, sounds like Dashboard and Saves The Day. But in a good way. It's fresh (not like 1991 fresh, fresh like new).

10. O. Feez - http://www.cb-ent.com - Alright. You got me. I'll be the first to admit I'm not a big rap fan (if you couldn't already tell by the above bands). But some people like it. This guy is good. Heard him on a free mixtape from South Carolina. Sounds like he should be signed. But what do I know.

There, now go listen. You should have been listening the whole time. Bastards.

1. Lost- Yeah, sure, it has its critics.It's just a soap opera on an island-Well, yea, soap opera's = drama (albeit cheesy), and Lost = drama.They only have beautiful people on the island-And this is a criticism why?

Ok, sure it may be unrealistic, and it may be damn frusturating that the writers may or may not be writing it as they go along, but it is still entertaining. Might be hard to get into late in the series, but those that have watched from the beginning will agree it is quality.

2. The 6:00 P.M. to 8:00 P.M. Block of shows on the Food Network (aka 30 Minute Meals x2, Good Eats, and Unwrapped)- How can you resist that adorable Rachael Ray? Peppy as shit, and she actually makes stuff that you might eat, hell even prepare yourself. Then we have Good Eats with always questionable Alton Brown. Once you look past the corny jokes, it's a pretty good show, entertaining, funny, and -gasp- educational. And then finally we have Unwrapped, hosted by everyone's favorite Double Dare host Marc Summers. He takes us behind the scenes on bad-ass stuff being made, like ice cream, candy, fast food, etc etc. Not really a cooking show, more of an educational thing, but in the "learning new sex position" kinda way, not the "learning new biology stuff" way. And then that idiot Emeril comes on. Turn the TV off and go play outside.

3. The Simpsons- While I will admit that I haven't seen much of the past 2 seasons, you just can't beat the good old Simpson family. Timeless, truly timeless...Family Guy before there was Family Guy...which brings us to...

5. That 70's Show- Again, I can say that I haven't seen much of this past season, nor the season before. But damn that show is funny. All the characters are quality, well minus stupid ass Tommy Chong as Leo. He sucks. But yea everyone else is irreplaceable. And the original Laurie is the best. End of discussion.

6. Deal or No Deal- Talk about your perfect game show. Free money. Read that again. FREE MONEY. No drawbacks, no stupid stunts, no eating grandfather testicles, no voting anyone off. You can't help but yell at the TV while watching this show. Haven't these fucks ever heard of odds? Fuckin Christ! Not to mention it's hosted by Howie Mandel! And has lots of not so bad to look at models. But yea, watch this show.

7. Jeopardy! and/or Stump the Schwab- I put these 2 together cause I like them both equally, and while they are both quiz shows, they are two different beasts entirely. If you are a sports nerd, like me, then you watch Stump the Schwab. That guy the Schwab is the ultimate virgin. If you've seen the show you know what I'm talking about. Jeopardy on the other hand is for regular nerds. I get by because I know far to much random information, and apparently I'm smarter than I think. Alex Trebeck is awesome. End of discussion.

8. South Park- Funny, offensive, and shockingly relevant to todays society. You gotta love the moral at the end of each episode. You gotta love how they always are so up to date. And if ever there was two guys in TV that I wouldn't piss off, it's Trey Parker and Matt Stone.

9. Pardon the Interruption (aka PTI)- Those guys have the best job ever. Argue about sports topics for half an hour. I can't think of a better job. This show blows away that Around the Horn crap. Wilbon and Kornheiser, keep up the good work.

10. The Soup (aka Talk Soup)- I'm still not sure if I like Joel McHale as much as I liked John Henson, but nonetheless, the show works. Funny reality show/ TV clips. Just a funny show, always good for a few good chuckles.