I know you never thought it possible, but little Troy Bolton is about to get sexual and thrilling, all at once. Also today: tons of TV news about renewals and cancellations, plus a sexy little companion piece to the Efron news.

Zounds! While everyone guzzles champagne and lusts after cute French waiters in Cannes, they are also making movie deals. Here's a titillating one: sun-dappled wood twink Zac Efron has been cast in The Paperboy, which is being billed as a sexual thriller. Gurgle. It's based on the early '90s Nintendo game a 1995 novel about death row inmates and a killer-obsessed girl. Maybe that's the part Efron will play? The thing was "developed" by Pedro Almodovar, so it's a possibility! Precious sensationalist Lee Daniels is directing, and Efron will be joined by Matthew McConaughey, Sofia Vergara, and Tobey Maguire. It could be directed by Uwe Boll and costar Katherine Heigl and Patch Adams and I would still see Zac Efron in an Almodovarian sexual thriller. I mean let's be real here. [THR]

The big networks continue to figure out their new schedules and, inevitably, there are some casualties. One major one just announced is ABC's Brothers & Sisters, a Sunday night show about feelings. That is too bad! I have never seen a single episode of that show but I'm told there are Cutegayz™ on it, so I'm sad. Other canceled shows are ABC's V and NBC's The Event and Law & Order: Los Angeles. The LOLA news is a shame, because it's really not a bad show, just like regular Law & Order only not in New York. So now we're down to like, what, one and a half Law & Orders? That is not nearly enough Law & Orders. [TV Line, EW]

Enough with the doom and gloom! Let's have some good news. NBC has picked up the new sitcom from Chelsea Handler. [Stands up from desk, walks out of room, sound of gunshot, crows caw as they fly away, gray world spins on. Beat. Comes back inside, missed self with first bullet, looks at article again, sees that The Chuck has been renewed for another season, goes back outside, another gunshot, loud thump, silence. Then, wind chimes.] [The Wrap]

Oh good gravy. Alex Pettyfer has just landed the lead role in Steven Soderbergh's Magic Mike, the movie based on Channing Tatum's real life experience as a male stripper. Pettyfer will play a young newbie stripper and Tatum will be his mentor. Hahahaha. Whaaaaat? Will Burt Reynolds be in it too, covered in Vaseline? Or will it just be, um, Alex Pettyfer covered in various goos? Look, I know Alex Pettyfer is a big jerk with annoying tattoos and everything, but c'mon. Alex Pettyfer stripping in moody Soderberghian lighting? I don't even... I just... Too bad I killed myself on the back porch just now. Can ghosts go to movies? I'll have to ask the other ghosts. [Deadline]