I mean, who hasn’t bought condoms and not cracked all the usual jokes. Who hasn’t winked and nudged and haw-hawed all the way to the checkout? I thought so...

But, I wonder, who has stopped to consider the unfunny downside of very-well-endowment?

This young lady, for one (we’ll call her Louise):

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Hi Katherine,

...I'm curious. I have read a lot of, if not all, your blog over the past couple of years but I do not recall reading anything about dealing with penis size when it is at the larger end of the scale. It’s something I feel really needs to be spoken about. I found out through talking to girl friends I wasn't the only one. So I hope this isn't boring but here is my story...

Let me start by saying I am engaged to the most amazing, caring, supportive fiancé I could have ever dreamed for. But let’s just say he is rather well endowed. So much so, that I cried out in pain the first time we slept together, and I'm so glad the lights were not on because there was no way I was pulling attractive faces. When we started dating it hurt during intercourse. It would also cause me to rip at the entrance of my vagina and I would bleed. But I thought as time would go on it would get better. I'm not a virgin and I have been with "larger" men and this had never been an issue. We tried things like lube and me on top, which would make it a little easier, but still far from painless.

As time went on I would tear, then it would scar, then because it would scar it would not stretch and it would tear. This was a vicious circle I could not break. I could not walk or sit the following day after sex. Nine months in it was just too horrible to handle, so I got the courage to talk to a doctor. As my normal doctor is male, I went to a female in the practice. When I explained the issue, she pretty much said "wow that sucks, I don't know what, if anything, would be able to help you”. She referred me on to a gynaecologist. I left in tears.

Four weeks later I went to the gynaecologist but even she didn't listen to me. She said I was just small and to try inserting a larger tampon (never had any issues with tampons, or other penises for that matter before). I tried to explain that I was scarring, and that was the issue, but she wouldn't listen. Then one night out of boredom I was watching Embarrassing Bodies and there was a girl in a similar situation. She was prescribed an oestrogen cream to the scar. This gave me hope. I went back to my male doctor and again explained the problem and asked would oestrogen cream work. He said there was no harm trying. So that is what we did. We stopped having sex for six weeks and used the cream three times a week. It worked wonders! We are able to have sex without the tearing and blood.

Now my next issue to overcome is my lack of libido. My mind now links sex to pain and I find it very hard to get in the mood. Even though I know it is a lot better. My fiancé has been so amazing through this whole ordeal. It made us communicate our issues and feelings on the situation. When I was going through this, all I wanted was to hear I wasn't alone. I could find very little information on the web, and I just hoped you would happen to mention it in your blog.

Maybe by me sending this, it may help someone else who is in that situation.

Hope you were not too bored, and I apologise for all my spelling and grammar mistakes...

Bored? Hardly. This is a good issue. A lot of people have sex lives that are less than wonderful. It’s hard to deal with in a world that’s pretty intolerant of things which are not perfect. We’re surrounded by unrealistic expectations about how things should be but we’re starved of instances where common sense prevails. So much is so true when it comes to sex.

What if sex is just plain painful, not heart-meltingly beautiful or freaking freaky?

What if the mere idea of sex sends shivers down your spine, in a very bad, very unsexy, way?

What then?

Obviously seeking expert opinion helps. Sadly, it may be a case of try and try again, and again, and again until you find someone who understands. From there, at least, it may be possible to treat the cause of your pain whether that pain manifests physically or psychologically.

But simply talking about your problem can be a great comfort. Airing a grievance and finding you’re not alone can be very gratifying. It can be rewarding also; sometimes someone has exactly the wisdom you need.

Hence, my desire to share – with our young lady’s permission – the letter above and my call to you all to answer her plea for help.

Have you been in a similar position? Have you had less-than-perfect sex? How was the challenge overcome? What advice would you care to offer?

131 comments

i've always said, size IS important.my experience with extremes was a woman so absolutely large that the mind boggles as to how anyone got to that point, so sex was less that pleasurable, that was ok, what was more extreme than the physical characteristics was her belief that she was a normal size. conclusion, a person of extremes i guess including her disillusionment.

Commenter

Victorious Painter

Date and time

March 13, 2013, 6:45AM

to clarify, i'm referring to the size of her vagina.

Commenter

Victorious Painter

Date and time

March 13, 2013, 8:19AM

Wow, thanks for clearing that up. I couldn't begin to work out what you were referring to.

Commenter

elenorj

Date and time

March 13, 2013, 11:15AM

Well, the size of her vagina was perfectly normal - for her! It would be that size every day. Not really sure what your point is in relation to the article. Are you saying women with large vaginas should regard themselves as freaks? Maybe it was just a mismatch - could you perhaps have been too small for this woman and deluded as to the normal size of your genitalia? At least, with reference to this article, at least from your side of the story, no physical pain was caused.

Commenter

Susan_66

Location

Melbourne

Date and time

March 13, 2013, 11:27AM

@ Susan_66, the article is about extreme mismatches no? so I provided my experience about the other gender and very large genitalia, my own is a perfect average, I’ve measured, but I expected someone to attempt that side swipe.What I am saying is that people with extreme mismatches should acknowledge the mismatch and work it out right? Not just put your head in the sand and pretend there is no issue wouldn't you agree?I had no issue with the physical aspect, but the attitude and denial was an obvious disappointment.

Commenter

Victorious Painter

Date and time

March 13, 2013, 12:05PM

Well I've attempted to have sex with a guy who had the smallest penis in the world. While physically disappointing his attitude and denial was an absolutely relief.

Commenter

Rachael

Location

Sydney

Date and time

March 13, 2013, 12:43PM

VP, we are in no position to know, but your post has me thinking the size mismatch might have been caused at your end, not her's (or, by your 'end').

Commenter

rudy

Date and time

March 13, 2013, 1:10PM

@rudy try reading my 12.05, it will avoid all that thinking.

Commenter

Victorious Painter

Date and time

March 13, 2013, 2:01PM

I'm sorry VP but I am finding your comment strange and probably quite ignorant and insensitive.. Firstly, it is very rare for a woman to have an extremely large vagina and even if it has been stretched in childbirth it naturally reverts to it's pre-birth size. You may of course be referring to the labia minora which is often torn and damaged during childbirth but can be surgically repaired. If she was actually so large and sex was less than pleasurable, why was that OK? Did you criticise her for it? Were you supportive of her? Suggest that it was a problem for you? Suggest she visit a specialist? You sound a very unpleasant person. It isn't something she can help after all. When it comes to size everything is normal.

Commenter

skeptical

Date and time

March 13, 2013, 2:04PM

Victorious Painter

A 'good' woman knows how to tighten her desirous muscular region. If the one you 'bag' was too big for your little willy, maybe you didn't spend the effort to make her desirous for you.