BITE-SIZE STORIES FROM A LARGER THAN LIFE EXPERIENCE

SBM (Straight British Male)

Ladies (lady-like men, I’m sorry, you’re excluded from this. This one’s literally only for those card carrying members of the TV (tits/vagina) club) Ladies!, I have found them, the elusive attractive straight man who dresses with all the style of your gay besties, but at the end of the day only wants the gentle (or maybe not so gentle) touch of a woman’s hand to tickle his pickle. I know what you’re thinking, “that’s just not possible, no such male exists!” But I tell you, it’s true. TRUE!

Seriously, when I got here I strolled down the sidewalk all excited about London and the load of historical crap I was gonna get to see, and then, like the miracle of a Celine Dion birth, all these sharp, pulled together men kept passing us by and…ok listen, I’m gonna sound a little narcissistic here for a moment. I may have looked a teensy bit rough after 32 hrs of no sleep and a backpack the size of triplets bouncing on my newly concave ass, but I wasn’t just disastrous, none of us were…I don’t think…anyway, not a one of these guys looked twice at any of the 3 of us. Not only that, but my gaydar, though granted frequently broken beyond hope, was at a solid flatline. What did this mean?! Who were these…these freaks I found myself resisting the urge to stop on the streets and ask where they’d gotten their shoes, or bags, or…that insanely cool bomber jacket. Oh I’ll tell you who, the British He-te-ro-sexual Male, that’s who. Day after day, train ride after train ride I witnessed it, them flaunting their masculinity beneath military inspired trench coats, perfectly fitted trousers made of “British cotton” for that extra little snug, and that tousled hair that somehow looked like they just woke up and it fell into a casual part.

So ladies, if you’ve ever looked at your best gay after he outed the man you thought was interested in you from across the bar as actually only wondering where you got your top and said, “why are all the cute ones gay?” I’m here to tell you, you’re only a quick hop across the pond from a whole new sea of men that will probably get as much pleasure in UNdressing you as they do dressing you. 😉