A Freelance Writer's Blog.

New Moon Knocks the Socks Off Chastity

Fanpires and Wolf Packs ascended the theaters nation-wide last night for a midnight glimpse of Stephanie Meyer’s New Moon– the latest installment in her best selling Twilight-series about Vampires, Werewolves and Love Triangles. And as much as I’d like to say that I’m not a fan, about three things I am absolutely positive:

First, Twilight is about Vampires.
Second, there is a part of me, and I don’t know how dominant that part might be- that is prone to obsession over fictional characters.
And Third, I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with Jacob.

But seriously. How did I become such a dork? I’d like to say for the record, that I am a cool person. I have never liked Star Wars too much or known enough about Star Trek to name all of the characters (Mom), and I have absolutely never dressed up like any of these characters, not even a cape or wand accessory for Harry Potter.

But there is something about the Twilight Series that brings out the “New Kids on the Block” reaction in me. I bought my ticket for the New Moon premiere as soon as they went on sale; I began standing in line at 6:00 p.m. for a midnight showing; and I’ve even taken sides again- but this time, it’s not Joey over Donny, it’s Jacob over Edward.

I almost teared up when Jacob came on screen, I tore the hair from my own head, came close to fainting and almost lost my mind. Wait. Tiger Lily, I have lost my mind.

This could be me. Sanjaya girl.

I blame the Twilight pushers (Reagan, Traci and Brooke) who gave me a thirst for something that can never be satiated. I mean, it’s a story about chastity and blood-thirsting that never truly delivers. It’s like blue balls for girls. And we love it.

It’s a story of unrequited love and all that star-crossed lovers BS that gets girls going. Edward, the brooding and good looking “bad boy” Vampire loves Bella- but he won’t do anything about it- for the entire movie. They embrace, breath really hard at one another, occasionally exchange a pained-but restrained kiss, and then never go any further. I’ve admitted on more than one occasion that while reading these books, I would think, “Just do it!”

Right before they stare and don’t kiss– again.

Then, to spice things up- Meyers adds a love triangle. (And cue Jacob the Werewolf.) He’s the ripped 17-year-old with with dark hair who is totally willing to “make it happen.” (Thanks to J-Keaton for this phrase. It just means what you think it means.) But Bella won’t have any of it. She’d rather lead him on and then go back to her non-delivering Vampire.

The brunette who gets it all wrong.

The blond that proves not all of them are dumb.

Women watch all of this for transpire over the course of two hours and then go home husbands who are now loving the Twilight series too, even though they’ll never see the movies.

Tiger Lily to those people that have touted this book as a “good message” for teenage girls. It obviously makes all women crazy and absolutely has the potential to ruin a promise-ring ceremony.

Tiger Lily to 30-something women everywhere who are getting their kicks from a young-adult book series– myself included.

And most of all, Tiger Lily to all of the men who make fun of us. You’re getting more than Edward or Jacob ever dreamed of.