Team Whatever Is Least Likely To Kill Me

As all of you with internet access knows, the third Twilight movie Eclipse came out. I saw it this afternoon since I am a huge fan of terrible movies, and this movie did not disappoint. The usual suspects are back; Bella (Kristen Stewart), Edward (Robert Pattinson), Jacob (Taylor Lautner), and the rest of the vampires and werewolves. There is also new werewolves and vampires, but more on them later.

The movie opens with a guy walking in the pouring rain, without a hood or a hat or an umbrella, when he is suddenly attacked by something. He see’s that his hand has bite wounds, and then we are treated to about 2 minutes of him moaning and crying and attempting to act like he’s in pain. Then we go to Bella and Edward in a field. A sunny field. And sure as heck, he is twinkling. Bella is studying for her finals, and Edward is laying there smelling her hair. While it would be romantic, it just looks contrived and really creepy. Eventually he asks her to marry him, and she brushes him off. Guys, please take note. Asking a girl to marry you while she’s studying for her high school finals is not a good idea.

Then Bella winds up in Florida where she says goodbye to her mom who just can’t seem to make it to her own daughters graduation, even though she has a beach front house. At this point I mentally checked out. I can’t for the life of me tell you what happened. There were too many cut scenes, too many characters, and too much plot. Bella is in danger! Bella is in love with two deadly beings! Oh my God where did all of these “baby” vampires come from?! Before you’re given a chance to really care one way or another about any of the new characters, they are killed off within a half an hour.

What I really did notice about this film, was how God awful the hair and makeup were. Bella had on a different wig in almost every single scene, even if it was just a cut from her being outside to being indoors. The wig was constantly changed. You can tell, and it looks like a wig too. I realize Stewart cut her hair in order to play Joan Jett for another movie, but surely this juggernaut of a franchise could have afforded better wigs. It wasn’t just her, either. All of the Cullen cove sans Edward had it even worse. Carlisle, the father figure in the cove, had the silliest blonde wig I have ever seen. And his pale face makeup was even worse. It was distracting how bad it was.

On a very positive note, this was the best Twilight movie so far. The acting improved for everyone in the cast, Stewart especially. She wasn’t blinking or stumbling over all of her lines this time. She sounded like she was trying to care, and it did show. The director, David Slade (who did Hard Candy, an amazing movie), did a really great job on making this film. I really hope he stays on to film the last movie, because he clearly has the best grasp on the work. And while that’s not saying much, remember that the first movie was unintentionally funny, and the second one was *boring*. This one was funny in parts, but it really did improve, greatly.