THOUGHT PROCESS

Wednesday, 31 October 2007

well...I have been thinking strangely enough about why I do not have the ability to desire relationships that are longer than the time that it takes to pull up my pants! and only really have "drive by shags"!. This I put down to possibly two events that have occurred in my life, the first my fathers death which happened 10 years ago from cancer which left me traumatised and literally made me realise that I had to grow up and finally be a man!. The loss of my father could have resulted in a psychological reaction which in some way on a sub-conscious level made me in a way think that all men are going to leave me sooner or later, so it would be better for me to take control and not go through all the heartache and just engage in fleeting physical contacts with men!.The second possible theory is that my only long relationship that I had which lasted two years and ended ten years ago when my boyfriend was incarcerated because of his drug manufacturing habits!..it was a blessing for me because it gave me thinking time and a new perspective on the relationship!

In retrospect I do not know what I found sexually attractive about this guy and now feel that in some way I was suffering from a lack of judgement and a blindness to the truth, the guy was hopeless in bed ,he only liked vanilla sex,made me feel like a whore, never took me out to dinner , and also had another boyfriend who also shared our bed!!!

I'm not bitter because at the Manchester Gay Pride in the Hollywood Showbar he walked in with this current boyfriend looking extremely fat and acting un-characteristically camp and his face resembled a baboons arsehole!! So really the two events could combine to produce what I am today..sad really that I am left feeling emotionally isolated and with emotional scaring!.