​Do you have an “inner critic”? It’s possible that you do and don’t realize it. I say that because I believe it’s something that everyone struggles with at various points in life. An inner critic is that inner dialogue that seems to drive your thoughts, behaviors, feelings, actions- primarily about yourself. Interestingly enough, your inner critic often sounds like yourself. That is why it’s so tempting and hard to dismiss. It makes you hesitant to question the inner critic or even talk back to correct it. In reality, your inner critic comes from a lot of different places. It may come from negative or hurtful things your parents have said in the past. It may come from society. It may come from past hurts and past traumas. For instance, your inner critic might tell you things like:

​ “Of course they don’t like you.”

“You can’t do that.”

“Why would you even try that?”

“You’re not worthy of this.”

​So you’re probably noticing that your inner critic is problematic for a lot of reasons, mostly because your inner critic is usually wrong. A negative inner critic has the power to keep you from growing, keep you from trying new things, and generally keep you from joyful and positive experiences.
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However, if you don’t tame your inner critic and get it under control, it will control you. So, how do you control your inner critic?

Notice and identify your inner critic. You need to be able to notice when your inner critic is activated. If we are not mindful, we will not notice the inner critic but it’s essential that you learn to realize when it’s happening. Meditation and mindfulness practices are a great way to gradually help you to begin to notice your inner critic a lot faster.

Learn about your inner critic. Sometimes, you might feel hesitant to learn more about your inner critic because we’ve been told that if there is something bad or negative inside of you, it should be ignored or not talked about. However the opposite is true. You need to lean into your inner critic and get to know it so that you’ll know exactly how to combat it. Journaling is one way to gradually get to know your inner critic. Whenever you notice your inner critic is being activated, write it down. After a few journal entries, see if you can identify patterns in the inner critic’s dialogue.

Start fighting back against your inner critic. Once you feel confident in your ability to identify and know your inner critic more, you can start to fight back. This can be done with affirmations. An affirmation is simply a positive (or even neutral, if positive feels too strong) statement about yourself or your current reality. For example, if my inner critic has told me that I’m not good at something, my affirmation might be “I have many strengths,” or “I can practice to become better.” Either way, the affirmation is used to combat the negative idea that your inner critic has given.

Flood your inner critic with positive vibes. In addition to fighting back against your inner critic, you need to totally drown your inner critic out by surrounding yourself with positive people, positive images, positive environments, positive feelings, etc. When you flood your inner critic with positivity, it loses its power and gradually will have no option but to become more positive and useful.

Want to learn more about controlling your inner critic? Check out episode #28 of 'A Different Perspective' Podcast.

Talking about suicide is hard, for several reasons. Not only are we constantly combating the stigma of mental health in general, but we also are frequently turning our backs to the reality of suicide in our communities. No one wants to talk about if or when they may have felt suicidal. Rarely do we hear about those lost by suicide or the impact that was had on their friends or family members. Suicide has a way of leaving an eerily quiet and lingering trial of guilt, sadness, shame, and isolation, which further perpetuates stigma.

I know there has always been this myth that “Black people don’t kill themselves.” Well, I’m here to tell you that is false. Rather, I’m here to reveal that we all knew it was false all along. In fact, many of us have been impacted by suicide in some way and those around us may not even know. We like to pretend that WE or those we love will never and would never even consider suicide because it’s very difficult to imagine that someone would want to end their life. We like to pretend this doesn’t happen to us because we are constantly telling ourselves that we are strong and that suicide is a weakness We like to pretend this doesn’t happen to us because we have religion and our relationship with God is “supposed to” shield us from any pain that we can’t handle. We like to pretend this doesn’t happen to us because we tell ourselves that it could always be worse. Pretending that Black people don’t die by suicide makes it so that we don’t have to confront the pain of our lives or the pain of our loved ones. Pretending that we are immune from thoughts or death by suicide creates an illusion that in the long run only hurts us.

The reality is that there are several factors and circumstances that put us at risk for suicide. These include psychological distress, substance abuse, access to weapons and firearms, social isolation, homelessness, exposure to violence, family dysfunction, maladaptive coping skills, and exposure to racial inequality and oppression. We are also much more likely to die by suicide if we have previously attempted suicide. Black communities are further put at risk for suicide because of the limited access to mental health service that we frequently experience, due to lack of proximity of services, lack of insurance for mental health coverage, stigma, and distrust of mental health professionals.

So what are the facts about suicide in the Black community?

​In 2015, 2,504 African Americans died by suicide in the US. Of these, 2,023 were male (80.79%).The overall suicide rate per 100,000 was 5.66.

​In 2015, there were 481 African American female suicides in the US. The suicide rate of African American females was the lowest among men and women of all ethnicities.

​In 2015, researchers released data showing that there were more suicides among African American children ages 5 to 11 than among Caucasian children. This was the first national study to observe higher suicide rates for African Americans than for Caucasians in any age group.

​While the majority of studies show that African American men are more likely to die by suicide while African American women are more likely to attempt suicide, recent research has observed that Caribbean black men in the US have the highest attempt rate for the African American community.

​For African American youth (ages 10-19), the rate of male suicides (5.59 per 100,000) was 3 times higher than that of females (1.87 per 100,000).

​Males accounted for 86.9% of suicides completed by elderly African Americans (ages 65+). This percentage is mirrored by the suicides completed by elderly Caucasian men.

​Firearms were the predominant method of suicide among African Americans regardless of sex or age, accounting for 46.64% of all suicides. Suffocation was the second most prevalent method (27.75%).

We have to keep talking about suicide. We cannot afford to be silent about this because being silent has never made suicide go away. If anything, our silence makes suicide more likely to happen because it allows us and those we love to go unnoticed and suffer alone. Talking about suicide is key in the prevention of suicide.

If you know someone who is considering suicide:Listen.
Be sympathetic.
Offer hope.
Take them seriously.
Get them help.

If you are considering suicide:
Talk to someone.
Be honest.
Take this seriously.
Ask for help.

To hear more about how suicide impacts the Black community and to learn probable reasons for why death by suicide among Black children is on the rise, tune into episode 20 of ‘A Different Perspective’ podcast.

In the years that I have been a psychologist, one thing I have learned is that many people are afraid to go to mental health therapy. I can recall several clients who have come to see me and later admitted that they were afraid to even consider coming. Luckily, they decided to push through and soon realized that coming to therapy was one of the greatest decisions they had made.
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There are many reasons why going to therapy can seem “scary” or produce some fear. If you are (or have been) afraid to go to therapy, rest assured that you are not alone. Below are the most common reasons I believe that many of us are afraid to go to therapy. I hope this list eases some of your worries and pushes you further toward the decision to say YES to mental health therapy.

The Fear

The Reality

“Therapy is for White people.”

​According to the Health and Human Services Office of Minority Health, “African Americans are 20% more likely to experience serious mental health problems than the general population” (NAMI, 2017). This single statistic is significant enough to demonstrate that people of color often have mental health needs that are unmet. While popular culture and society has made it seem as if therapy is “a White thing,” the truth is that mental health therapy is for anyone who has a need or desire to improve their mental health. Tools for improved mental health and overall well-being (i.e. therapy) are for us too.

​“Therapy is expensive.”

​Mental health therapy can be expensive, which becomes a huge barrier for many who are in desperate need of the service. What are the best ways to combat the costs of therapy?

If you are a college student, utilize the free or reduced costs of psychology services at your college or university.

If you are employed with benefits, check out your EAP (Employee Assistance Program) or similar mental health benefits, as they often offer up to 5-6 free sessions.

​The feeling of embarrassment about going to therapy comes when we or those around us attribute therapy to weakness. While you may feel initial embarrassment about going to therapy, the feeling of reward and satisfaction that you will receive once you have progressed through therapy will outweigh that temporary feeling of embarrassment. Also, therapists and mental health professionals are all legally bound by confidentiality, which means that your therapist will keep your information private and no one will know you are in therapy unless you tell them. Ultimately, there is nothing embarrassing about making the decision to take care of your mind and body.

​“Needing therapy means you are weak or broken.”

​Needing therapy actually just means that you are human and at times will need some help. In many communities of color, there is a belief that we must be strong at all times and resist the help of others. This is a very unhealthy belief, because the reality is that with the constant struggles many of us face, we will need some help at some point. “It takes a village to raise a child” and similarly, it also takes a village to maintain the responsibilities of adulthood and everyday life. No one is meant to handle the challenges of life alone. For many, therapy is the help they have needed.

​“Going to therapy would feel like a betrayal to my family.”

​Many of us find a need to go to therapy because of past family conflicts or traumas that have hurt us in some way. At times, telling your therapist about these past issues can feel like “telling on” your loved ones, or as if you are betraying them. However, it is possible to love your family while also acknowledging that there were things that didn’t go well. Communicating with a therapist about these issues may actually help you to feel more loving toward and connected with your family, in addition to helping you heal.

​“I don’t want to talk to a stranger about my problems in therapy.”

​Your therapist will always start out as a stranger, but often ends up becoming a very close confidant. While it may feel more comfortable to talk to someone who is familiar about personal topics, utilizing the perspective of someone who does not know you personally is one of the key elements of mental health therapy. We benefit most from someone who is unbiased, and an outsider to our lives, as they will be able to offer a different perspective that those who are close to us may miss. Aside from that, remember that you have the power to pace therapy sessions as fast or slow as you need. If you don’t yet feel comfortable discussing certain things with your therapist, let them know.

​“I’m afraid I may lose control of my emotions in therapy.”

​Emotions can feel overwhelming, especially at the time you feel the need to go to therapy. While it may seem that it’s safer to hold them in, the long-term effects of holding emotions can be tragic. Your emotions won’t hurt you anymore than they have hurt you while you were holding them. Therefore, meeting with a licensed mental health professional to share and discuss your emotions is healthy and extremely safe. Your therapist has been trained to know how to understand and help you cope with the release of your emotions.

​“I won’t find a therapist that really gets me.”

​This is a challenge for many people of color who desire to meet with a therapist that will understand their culture and experience. It can be discouraging when you are unable to find the right type of therapist, but I encourage you to not give up and continue to look for what you need. Have you tried therapist directories such as ABPSI, Psychology Today, or Therapy for Black Girls? Have you asked your insurance company or physician for referrals? Have you checked on social media for mental health professionals using hashtags such as #minoritymentalhealth, #Blackmentalhealth, #blacktherapists, etc.?

​“If I go to therapy, they will ‘put me away’ or take my children.”

​Fear of being institutionalized, hospitalized or “put away” is a common fear, especially when you are or have previously experienced suicidal thoughts or severe mental health symptoms. While therapists do hospitalize clients when needed, this is rare. There are many other steps that are taken prior to hospitalizing or removing children from your home and your therapist will likely do everything possible to utilize those first steps to ensure that nothing happens against your will. Being hospitalized, institutionalized or having your children removed from your care are absolute worst case scenarios that are not common in your everyday, typical therapy session.

​“If I go to therapy, then I will get a diagnosis.”

​Yes, you will likely receive a diagnosis when you go to therapy. Receiving a diagnosis could be beneficial because a diagnosis is simply a label for a particular set of symptoms you exhibit. Even without the label, you had the symptoms. The diagnosis itself changes very little about what is currently happening for you. Once you receive a diagnosis, remember that this diagnosis does not become who you are. Most mental health diagnoses are temporary and with therapy, you will learn tools to cope with and treat your diagnosis. So, with receiving diagnosis comes insight and a new path that leads to good healthy living.

Listen to Episode 19 of 'A Different Perspective' podcast to learn more about overcoming fear of mental health therapy.

Intentionally choosing to thrive in your current life is revolutionary. I say this because we (and our ancestors before us) live in a time and a society that often seems to be full of hate, fear, and distress. Living in this type of environment causes us to unintentionally get into “survival mode”- which puts limits and constraints on the potential and quality for our lives. When we live in a racist or otherwise oppressive society, it often means that we also live in constant fear and anxiety for our livelihood. We are encouraged to become smaller, different, or told to be less threatening. We then begin to internalize these messages from society, and even encourage our children and loved ones to live in fear, with anxiety, and with limitations.

This sick and limiting cycle is often the result of intergenerational experiences of racial trauma. If you have not read Dr. Joy DeGruy’s “Posttraumatic Slave Syndrome” or even just watched some of her YouTube clips on this phenomena, you should! Dr. DeGruy has done an excellent job at explaining and characterizing the exact effects that extreme racism and oppressive conditions have had on Black Americans. The unfortunate part is that these conditions persist, and so do the effects. Fortunately, many psychologists and other mental health professionals are finally catching on to the fact that racial trauma is real and needs further research and study.

Racial trauma can be understood as a subset of trauma, as it specifically addresses traumatic experiences that are related to race, racism, and race-related stressors. Therefore, racial trauma can be defined as racial experiences of real or perceived threat or danger. These experiences can be directly experienced or the witnessing of someone else’s experience. This can also be triggered by hearing about the racial experiences of others. These racial experiences often cause feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, fear of safety, and perceived shortening of life expectancy (i.e. “I may not make it to 25 years old.”). Racial trauma rarely involve a single event, and is more likely to be a culmination of racial experiences, resulting in insidious and chronic stress. These racial events include individual racist events, consequences of institutional racism, effects of cultural racism, daily microaggressions, and perceived racism.

​It would be difficult to find any person of color who lives in America and has not experienced some sort of racism, or race-related stressor. Therefore, it is likely that many of us experience and are impacted by varying levels of racial trauma. Likewise, it is common to encounter individuals who have experienced other traumatic events at some point in their lives. More frightening is the idea that there are many people of color who experience racial trauma, in addition to other non-racial traumas. This means that there are even more disturbing consequences for their lives.
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Knowing this information about trauma, racial traumas, and knowing the conditions of the society in which we live, I want to us turn our attention to thriving. “The art of thriving” explains the manner in which one chooses to push toward a life of optimal health, wellness, and one that exceeds beyond merely surviving. While we may not always have control over the systemic or external conditions that surround us, we do have control over the following:

"The Art of Thriving"

Live in “what is…” not “what if.”
It’s important for us to learn to build our lives around what is, rather than what if. Many of us are notorious for living a life of what if- “What if this happens,” “What if that happens,” “What if this doesn’t work,” “What if this goes wrong.” The problem with what if is that it leads to infinite possibilities, most of which never happen. Entertaining multiple what ifs leave us feeling anxious, emotionally distressed, and can lead to depression, as we begin to feel hopeless about the future and out of control. Today, start to put more energy into what is happening right now. What is happening right here, right now, in this very moment? Practice living in the present moment, because every moment of life truly should be enjoyed in the present.

Celebrate the wins.
When we live in a world and society full of oppression, chaos or toxic energy, it’s very easy to notice the negative things happening. Sometimes it’s a lot easier to find the negative than the positive. So, where are the wins? Today, start to be intentional about finding the wins. Moments of peace, joy, laughter, etc. are not distractions. They are necessary to find and incorporate balance in our lives. We all need some wins and we need to get really good at finding them. Find your balance between happiness, joy, humor, and a healthy dose of awareness in what is happening in the world.

Feed and nourish yourself.
We must get into the habit of feeding and nourishing ourselves with holistic wellness and care, i.e. self-care. Our physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual selves need to be fed and well nourished. When we are well fed and nourished, we are then better able to sustain the stressors that come into our lives. It’s like a protective bubble or protective shield. When we are physically fit, emotionally healthy, have positive relationships, have good role models, when we feel good about our jobs, etc., negative things don’t impact us as much. Today, figure out in what ways you can begin (or continue) to feed and nourish yourself (this may help!).

Strengthen your sense of agency.
When you are marginalized or oppressed, you become accustomed to feeling like external factors have a very unfair, unjust and controlling influence on your life. Yes, there are many things that are out of our control and have the power to influence our life in negative ways. This compromises our ability to develop our own sense of agency- the belief in the choice and control we have in our lives. So, thriving comes with strengthening this sense of agency. We tend to have a stronger sense of well-being when we feel that we have control over our own lives. Today, find a way to take back your agency by noticing what you do have control over in this moment of your life. Tap into the choices you have or the moments where you can take control over your life. Steer the direction of your life in your favor. Don’t give away your agency to the ills of the world.

Live in accord with your values.
Whenever I have a client who is having trouble redirecting their life, I always encourage them to tap into their values. What do you value? What matters to you? What is important to you? What principles do you live by? How do you want to be remembered? What do you want your legacy to be? Our values are important because they guide our actions, influence our behaviors, drive our perceptions of the world, and have a lot of impact on the decisions we make. Today, figure out what it is that truly matters to you by getting to the core of what you value in this life.

Do what makes you come alive.
As Howard Thurman once said, “Do not ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and then go do that. Because what the world needs most is people who have come alive.” Instead of figuring out what you can do for the world, do what makes you come alive. Do the things that you are extremely passionate about, the things that bring you happiness and joy- because this is the very gift that you need to give to the world, society, and your community. This is what the world and those around you need to see so that they, too, will feel encouraged to come alive.

I know a lot about trauma. Over the past few years, I have been lucky to have learned so much about trauma, in all its forms. Learning about trauma has served several purposes for me. At one point in my career, I worked closely with traumatized youth, many of which were children of color and had been physically assaulted, emotionally abused, neglected, homeless, sexualized, and harmed in ways one could hardly imagine. I don’t do that type of work anymore, but I’ll always be grateful for those experiences. More recently, the role trauma has played in my professional life has helped me to better understand all the ways that Black people and communities have been impacted by trauma. The answer to this question is remarkably profound, as our community has been impacted by many forms of trauma (i.e. single traumas, complex traumas, collective traumas, racial traumas, intergenerational traumas-similar to Dr. DeGruy’s theory of ‘Posttraumatic Slave Syndrome’).
​
The layers and depth of our trauma are real and I found myself digging deeper and deeper into the layers. I don’t think I was alone in this. I noticed a collective “call to action” in the Black community to unearth the truth regarding all the ways in which we have been harmed throughout our history. Many of us were learning more of our history by reading and teaching others. We watched Root. We watched videos of police brutality. We performed spoken words of our pain. We listened to Kendrick Lamar, A Tribe Called Quest, and Solange. Even our artists, athletes, and beloved celebrities were in on the awakening. It was actually a magical time. We all collectively became conscious and “woke up”. No one could take that knowledge and awareness from us. We are a much better people for this awakening.

I continued to dig deep into the understandings of our traumas and pain, until I realized that with anything, balance is needed. I noticed myself moving in a direction that also elicited a different type of pain. In the world of clinical psychology, we call it secondary or vicarious trauma, which occurs when one becomes traumatized by the witnessing or secondary experiencing of a traumatic act. In my studies and deepening understandings of trauma, I became moody, emotional, and I had difficulty relating and socializing with people who did not look like me. I felt worried about the well-being of my family, friends, and community because we were Black. I did not feel safe. Again, I was not alone in this, as I also noticed a wave of collective re-traumatizing as we all worked to increase our awareness of our trauma and pain. I noticed more students of color come into my office, with complaints of symptoms of posttraumatic stress syndrome (PTSD) that was brought about by their own new awareness of their world. Very quickly, our awakening had turned into something painful and difficult to manage. This led me to wonder: What does healing look like for Black people?

​How do we heal? How do we continue to learn and educate ourselves without the chance of being re-traumatized? Can we heal? These were only a few of the questions going through my mind at the time when I decided to shift my focus from trauma to healing. Now, I guess I see this as a new “call to action”- one where I challenge us all to collectively shift our focus from our trauma and pain to our healing. We have proven time and time again that we are able to move collectively (because, being Black is lit) and I believe we can do it again, for the sake of our own healing. Our livelihood and strength as a community deeply depends on our ability to heal ourselves and regenerate our community. This is the time.

​Ironically, I know that many of us are reluctant to shift our focus from trauma and pain to healing. I understand that for some, contemplating that sort of shift in focus can feel like one is “selling out” or that we aren’t able to handle the pressure of staying awake. Being conscious is like wearing a badge of honor or declaring some sort of prestige. It’s something that many of us brag about because we know just how difficult it is to keep your eyes open to the injustices of the world. But like many things, our concept of wokeness and consciousness needs to change, and instead should include an aspect of wellness. Instead, our awakening should be necessitated by essential self-care and wellness so that we are able to sustain our new found knowledge, insights, and education about ourselves, our history, and our community.

Imagine a world in which Black people were consciously aware of our history, struggles, pain, while also keenly aware of the value and need for healing and taking care of ourselves. Imagine what it would be like for us all to start taking our healing and wellness so seriously, that it has no choice but to greatly impact our children and their children. We will be better parents, better leaders, better teachers, better friends, and better people. We will be better to ourselves. The healing will be exponential, as the impact of our growth and improvement begins to impact the lives of others around us. I get excited when I consider the power and strength that may come from our community as we begin to make this important shift to healing. For me, this does not seem unattainable or impossible. I believe it is possible for us to begin to shift our focus to healing, so that we can begin to experience life in a much healthier and well-adjusted way. We deserve this. We need this!

Our healing must be holistic, meaning that it must encompass every and all aspects of health and wellness. In my clinical work, I frequently teach others about the eight domains of wellness- physical, emotional, social, environmental, spiritual, occupational, intellectual, and financial. Being aware and giving attention of all eight of these areas of wellness will ensure that we are achieving healing and wellness holistically. A great way to begin approaching holistic healing and wellness would be to ask yourself the following questions:

​In what ways can I enhance my (insert each aspect of wellness here) health?Where can I establish more healthy boundaries in my life?What brings me joy?What will move me forward in life?What is good for me?What does it look like when I take care of myself?

Another great way to begin approaching holistic healing and wellness would be to take part in the #21DaysofSelfCare challenge. This is a challenge I created to help myself and others jumpstart a self-care journey. It teaches you about all eight domains of wellness and how you can begin to incorporate these aspects into your life now and for the future. You can learn more about the #21DaysofSelfCare challenge here.

It would be hypocritical for me to ask you to challenge and commit yourself to healing without doing this for myself. So what does my healing look like now?

Drinking 80-100oz of water a day.

Hot tea every morning.

Physical exercise at least 3-5 times each week.

Setting boundaries around negativity and toxicity around me.

Limited amounts of political news, mostly in the form of podcasts I trust.

More balanced reading, to include more pleasurable fiction.

Creating work (podcasting, writing, etc.) that fuels my passions for the Black community.

Loving on my dog and fiancé, every single day.

Eating well.

Social media breaks.

So what will your healing look like? How will you begin the shift from trauma to healing in your life? Let me know here, here, here, or here and please encourage others to join us in this collective move toward healing.

Want to hear more about trauma and its effects?Listen to Ep. 8 of 'A Different Perspective' podcast.
​*Subscribe to the podcast, on iTunes, Google Play, or Soundcloud.

Image: "A nest for a dream." by Tsoku Maela, From "Abstract Peaces," 2016

Ever since I listened to A Seat at the Table, the one thing that has been on my mind is that dealing with difficult emotion is both challenging and incredibly human. It was right around this same time when we learned that Kid Cudi was voluntarily hospitalized in a psychiatric setting for suicidal thoughts and depression. At that time, it became very apparent to me that difficult emotion is something that we all will experience at some point in our lives, and at varying degrees of severity. Because of that, it is something that we must recognize, acknowledge, and learn to accept. ​​

Sometimes, we mistakenly assume that a “good life” is one that is absent of negative emotion. Usually, the category of “negative emotion” includes sadness, anger, jealously, envy, guilt, shame, loneliness, boredom, worry, or fear. Many of us assume that if we experience any of these emotions, at any point of our lives, that something is wrong or that we are weak. For centuries, generations of us have been told that being strong means to show no emotion, to avoid vulnerability, and to never be challenged by adverse situations and life circumstances. In reality, the truth is that living a full life means that all of us will experience a range of emotions that will not be limited to only positive vibes. Most of us will experience challenging and difficult situations that may call for us to experience emotional pain, and that is a very healthy part of life.

Not "Eliminate"... but "Manage"

Whenever I meet a new client who comes to me for mental health counseling/psychotherapy, one of the first things I say is this:

“I am not a magician, so I cannot make the difficult things in your life go away. I cannot make your difficult emotions go away either. But we can work together to help you manage them, because they are a valuable part of life.”

Every day, both personally and professionally, I meet people who attempt to stuff and suppress their difficult emotions, with the hopes that this process will make them all go away. Within our families, friendships, and even through the media, we are taught that we should be able to “control” our emotions. We are also taught that if we avoid feeling our difficult emotions, that they will eventually go away. Unfortunately, none of this is true.

Many days, I can’t help but wonder what our lives could be like if we embrace the idea that life will include both ups and downs, happiness and sadness, joy and dismay. I truly believe that if we are able to accept our difficult emotions as being an integral part of life, then they may begin to feel and look much different. I realize this can sound confusing or paradoxical even, but many times, the very thing we try to avoid is what we need to embrace the most. It’s like the elephant in the room: it is big and takes up so much space while we try to ignore it, but once we acknowledge that it’s there, it’s not so big anymore. It becomes quite manageable and we eventually learn ways to manage the discomfort. Sometime it may eventually fade away. Believe it or not, our emotions operate in the very same way. ​So what contributes to difficult emotion? The list is endless, but a few of the most common contributors include:​

Abuse

Discrimination

Oppression

Bullying

Traumatic experiences

Death of loved ones

Relationship difficulty

Life transition (i.e. changing jobs, moving, beginning a relationship, graduating from high school or college, etc.)

​​It would be odd for someone to not experience negative emotions in response to these various circumstances and conditions. In that way, our negative emotions serve to alert us that something has happened, or that maybe something did go wrong in our lives. We can think about it like an alarm system that gives vital information about our bodies and mind. Without being aware of these emotions, we may miss an important piece of information about what has happened, and what we should then do to resolve the affliction and heal the wound.

How to deal?

​I realize that there are so many questions that we may have about mental health and how to handle difficult emotions. This is especially true when we are not used to dealing with our emotions or sharing them with other people. But here are a few things that could be helpful to consider:

What is the difference between general emotional discomfort vs mental health crisis?​Emotional discomfort is a very normal and healthy part of our mental and emotional health. When we experience emotional discomfort, we are likely experiencing emotions like anger, sadness, guilt, jealously, envy, worry, etc. General emotional discomfort usually accompanies difficult situations, challenging circumstances, school or work stress, death or loss, and other life transitions. This type of emotional discomfort is usually not chronic and is more likely to fall in sync with other life events or circumstances.

The experiences of general emotional discomfort and mental health crisis are very different. We may be experiencing a mental health crisis when emotional distress is chronic (consistent and unwavering for several months or more), seems to alter usual temperament or personality, and begins to interfere with our ability to function, be productive, or complete activities of daily living. Other hallmark signs of mental health crisis is active psychosis (auditory hallucinations, visual hallucinations, delusions, extreme paranoia, etc.), self-injurious behaviors (i.e. cutting oneself with sharp objects, burning, etc.), suicidal thoughts and homicidal thoughts.

At what point should I seek help?

Many times, general emotional discomfort needs patience, time, social support, and really good self-care (keep reading for tips on this) for it to pass. However, it can be beneficial to seek the help of a mental health professional for these experiences.

If we are experiencing a mental health crisis, this generally requires the help and assistance of a qualified mental health professional. Therefore, if you or someone you know is experiencing any of the symptoms characteristic of a mental health crisis, seek help immediately.

What help is available?

Professional mental health support usually falls within one of the following categories:

Mental Health Counseling/Psychotherapy- Counseling or psychotherapy is typically what is seen on television and in the media as the primary form of mental health support. This involves speaking with a licensed mental health professional on a weekly, biweekly, or monthly basis about any distressing thoughts, feelings or life circumstances that may be contributing to our current emotional distress. This form of mental health support is usually temporary (6-12 weeks) but can also be long-term (several months or more). The time spent in mental health counseling/psychotherapy really varies based on our mental and emotional needs at that time. As someone who is a licensed mental health professional and who has also benefited from counseling/psychotherapy in the past, I recommend this type of mental health support for everyone. Speaking with a mental health professional can help improve our ability to understand our thoughts, emotions, and other life circumstances. A mental health professional can assist in developing coping skills to handle current emotional distress. These coping skills can also be used for future experiences of emotional distress. Mental health counseling/psychotherapy is also ideal for receiving help in dealing with any past traumas or other adverse experiences (i.e past abuses, previous deaths and other relationship losses, etc.) that may still have lingering effects on us.

Psychiatry/Medication Management- Psychiatric medication management is another form of mental health treatment that involves using medication to help alleviate distressing mental and emotional symptoms. Medication management cannot be facilitated by every mental health professional, and is generally provided by a licensed psychiatrist, psychiatric nurse practitioner, or a family physician. For many people, chronic emotional distress or other serious mental health conditions (i.e. Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, etc.) may not be easily alleviated with mental health counseling/psychotherapy alone. For these instances, medication is extremely beneficial. Alternatively, medication can also be used to relieve temporary emotional distress (i.e. grief after death of a loved one or a ended relationship, situational anxiety around public speaking or flying in an airplane, etc.).

Crisis Stabilization/Psychiatric Hospitalization- Crisis stabilization or psychiatric hospitalization is the most extreme form of mental health treatment. Typically, this form of treatment is needed when we are experiencing a mental health crisis (as was explained above). The purpose of this form of treatment is to stabilize us (primarily with medication, intensive counseling/psychotherapy, and medical supervision) to our pre-crisis state, with the hope that we will then seek continued mental health treatment via counseling/psychotherapy or medication management. The length of crisis stabilization/psychiatric hospitalization can range from a few hours to a week or more, depending on our mental and emotional needs at that time.

Do I need medication?

This is a question that I receive often, particularly from people who are skeptical of the effects of psychiatric medication. For some reason, our society does not have a positive impression of psychiatric medication and those who choose to use it for optimal mental health. However, I have found that psychiatric medication can be very beneficial and even life changing for many people. Therefore, the decision to utilize psychiatric medication is personal one that is best made by yourself and with the support of a licensed mental health professional. There should be no shame in making a decision to enhance your own mental and emotional health.

For those who remain skeptical and wish to seek alternative methods, I suggest mental health counseling/psychotherapy, in addition to the very best self-care possible. Often times, mental and emotional distress is linked to our lack of care for ourselves. At the very minimum, prioritizing adequate sleep (7-8hrs per night), proper eating habits, and consistent physical activity can be enough to positively impact your mental and emotional health.

What is “self-care” and why is it important?Simply put, “self-care” is the practice of taking care of yourself. The best self-care is holistic and involves care for physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual health and well-being. Unfortunately, many of us have been taught to believe that self-care is “selfish” or a sign of “weakness.” In reality, the practice of self-care is vital to our overall health and well-being. Therefore, the act of self-care must be deliberate. It cannot be something that happens by chance, or “if time permits.” It must take priority in all of our lives. Inadequate self-care leads to deficits in all areas of health and well-being, particularly for mental and emotional health. For instance, many people do not realize how essential, sleep, eating, and physical activity are for our physical, mental, and emotional health. If these three things are not taken care of consistently, the body and mind cannot function properly. This leads to a variety of physical ailments, and an increased risk of mental and emotional health conditions. Therefore, quality sleep per night (which typically ranges between 7-9 hours for adults), proper eating habits, and regular physical activity are the minimum requirements for adequate self-care. What else should be included in our self-care practice?

Adequate amounts of sleep.

Proper eating habits, which include consumption of fresh fruits and vegetables, daily hydration via water consumption, and limited intake of sugars, excessive salt, and high fats.

Regular physical exercise.

Routine prayer, meditation, and/or quiet time.

Leisure reading.

Pleasurable and healthy interactions with family, friends, and other loved ones.

Routine physical/dental/vision/mental/spiritual check-ups.

Enjoyable activities and hobbies.

Personal and professional goal-setting, for fulfillment of passion and life purpose.

​A little over a month ago, I saw a tweet from Dr. Steven Perry that has bothered me ever since.

While Dr. Perry was amazed and inspired by what he witnessed, I was heartbroken. What he saw as the “ladder to success” I saw as the road to destruction. ​​Dr. Perry seems to operate on a premise of respectability politics, one that attempts to police members of marginalized groups by teaching and encouraging social values that are compatible with mainstream values. While this sounds promising, the core of respectability politics occurs at the expense of learning to understand and love one’s own innate or inherent cultural identity. Because of that, respectability politics are risky.

The reasons for respectability politics...

While I am typically unapologetic about my criticism of respectability politics, I do realize that often times, these “politics” have derived out of legitimate fear and concern for the well-being of our loved ones. For example, it’s common to hear a parent instruct their {Black} children not to wear hoodies in stores, or to say “yes ma’am/sir” to law enforcement. These instructions are meant to guide toward success and steer away from misfortune. Sometimes, these instructions are given to prevent very real threats to livelihood itself.

While these instructions to be respectable provide some ease of worry and anxiety for parents and loved ones, they come with a cost. I believe that every time a young Black person is persuaded to change themselves in order to fit in or be safe, they are disempowered. That simple and seemingly innocent instruction to change or be different gradually becomes an attitude of inferiority, then a belief in inequity, and then a mindset of defeat.

This is dangerous. The benefits of respectability politics do not seem to outweigh the cons, particularly when we have be given countless examples of how being respectable was not enough to protect from prejudice, discrimination, harm, or loss of life.

First- & Second- Order Change.

There are concepts in psychology referred to as “First- Order Change” and “Second- Order Change.” First Order Changes are generally employed to achieve a balance or establish some sort of equilibrium within a system. In general, First Order Changes are linear, simple, require less consideration, and are met with very little resistance. Responding to racial discrimination with respectability politics is a First-Order Change. It’s a linear, simple, minimally resistant solution to experiences of racial discrimination.

​On the other hand, Second Order Changes are quite the opposite. Second Order Changes are non-linear, complex, require much thought and consideration, and are generally met with resistance. This is because Second Order Changes challenge the very foundation in which a system is created and maintained. This is generally how real change is made. Teaching and encouraging Black individuals to resist mainstream standards and to embrace their cultural uniqueness is a Second Order Change.

We need more Second-Order Change.

It is not enough to teach Black people to be “respectable” in order to attain success. Instead, we must encourage adequate racial socialization of young Black children, which should include the following:​

Knowledge and teachings about one’s history and culture.

Messages and practices that encourage racial pride.

An honest (yet age appropriate) understanding about experiences of racism, prejudice, and discrimination.

While this does not ensure that Black children will not face harm, ridicule, or discrimination because of their race, it will ensure that Black children have the tools and skills to handle such experiences. Additionally, adequate racial socialization will help to buffer some of the negative impacts of racial distress they experience, resulting in a lowered risk for mental health challenges. Ultimately, adequate racial socialization leads to healthy racial identity development, and pride and affection for one’s own culture. Empowerment comes with learning to embrace one’s culture without internalizing the negative biases and beliefs that come with forcing one to be respectable (or less of themselves).

Cultural pride is necessary for optimal mental health and well-being. Respectability politics only strips one of the ability to feel pride, strength, and power in simply being themselves. The lack of cultural pride and empowerment can lead to underdeveloped identity, misplaced emotionality, and a host of other mental health concerns. ​Healthy children and adults are ones who are happy with themselves. No amount of respectability politics will ever be worth more than genuine satisfaction and contentment with one’s self and culture.

Let’s choose to end respectability politics by replacing them with love and acceptance of ourselves and each other.

I don’t often watch television, but when I do, Being Mary Jane (BMJ) is always on my must watch list. I am finally catching season three of BMJ (thanks, Netflix!) and could not help but share my utter amazement at the show’s ability to capture so many facets of POC womanhood. BMJ is not only funny and entertaining, but also continuously captures some of the most complex and challenging aspects of POC woman identity.

What I have appreciated the most with season three of BMJ is the show’s focus and attention to mental health. Because of that, I want to talk about three very important themes that came to mind as I enjoyed BMJ (without any :::SPOILER ALERTS::: for those of you who are not caught up yet!).

Theme #1: "Strong Black Woman"

The image of the Strong Black Woman is one that has continued to evolve throughout generations of Black womanhood. It is one that has developed from experiences of oppression and obstacles, particularly of the simultaneous subjection to experiences of both sexism and racism. From that, Black woman have come to take pride in rising above obstacles, overcoming challenges, and always making lemonade out of the lemons that were served.

There is a lot of pride that comes with the ability to remain strong during Black womanhood. Additionally, this collective source of strength and pride has shown to push Black woman to many heights, including to be known as America’s most educated group. With that, the image of the Strong Black Woman also has the potential to bring isolation, confusion, loneliness, and depression. One of the most threatening dangers of being the Strong Black Woman is the misconception that Black woman are always strong, and should be capable of handling any and all struggles and obstacles. This can lead to a belief that the need for help or support is akin to weakness or personal failure. The need for assistance and support becomes overlooked and it is assumed that everything is fine, when this may not be the reality.

The Myth of the Strong Black Woman directly opposes #blackgirlmagic. While the Strong Black Woman’s strength lies in the ability to show no vulnerability in the face of challenge and obstacles, the strength and power of #blackgirlmagic lies in the ability to accept vulnerability. The need for assistance and support becomes an inevitable aspect of Black girlhood and womanhood. With #blackgirlmagic, it is okay to need help, to experience moments of vulnerability and to express your needs and desires to others. It is expected because Black girls and women are human. We are multifaceted, and all of our complex characteristics are what makes us absolutely amazing.

Theme #2: "You can't have it all."

Throughout the show, we see several of the woman struggle to balance aspects career, relationships, family, and motherhood. At one point in season three, Kara breaks down as she cries “you can’t have it all.” This stood out to me, as it was very reminiscent of quotes I had heard previously from both Shonda Rhimes and Michelle Obama.​“Whenever you see me somewhere succeeding in one area of my life, that almost certainly means that I am failing in another area of my life; If I am killing it on a ‘Scandal’ script for work, I’m probably missing bath and storytime at home. If I am at home sewing my kids’ Halloween costumes, I am probably blowing off a script I was supposed to rewrite. Powerful famous women don’t say out loud that they have help at home, that they have nannies, housekeepers, chefs, assistants, stylists — whatever it is they have to keep their worlds spinning, because they are ashamed; Or maybe a more precise way to say it is that these women have been shamed.” -Shonda Rhimes; Year of Yes.

“I am always irritated by the “you can have it all” statement. And I grew irritated with that phrase and that expectation the older I got, as you’re trying to have it all. And you’re beating yourself up, and feeling less than because you aren’t having it all. Because it’s a ridiculous aspiration; So what I’ve told many young people is that you can have it all, but oftentimes it’s hard to get it all at the same time.” –Michelle Obama; United State of Women Summit, June 2016

With the rise of academic and career advancement for many women, in addition to the pressures of romantic partnership and motherhood, there is a lot to manage. I have (both personally and professional) spent time with many women who strive to achieve optimal success in every aspect of their life. These same women have experienced great despair when they have not been able to “successfully” attain all that they desire.

This expectations feels very similar to the previously discussed assumption that woman should be able to balance every aspect of their life, with little to no difficulty, when the reality is that this is an incredible feat.

So, how can women learn to balance aspects of our lives without pressure to aim for perfection in the process? How can we offer support to women in our lives who are struggling to balance aspects of their own lives?

For this answer, I will default to my very wise FLOTUS:

“So it’s hard to have it all. But that’s where you go back to knowing who you are, and knowing that you’re really living through phases. And if you’re compromising through one phase of your journey, you’re not giving it all up, you’re compromising for that phase. There’s another phase that’s coming up where you might be able to have more of what you thought you wanted. You get to know yourself a little bit more.

So, no, I don’t want young women out there to have the expectation that if they’re not having it all that somehow they’re failing. Life is hard. But life is long if you maintain your health, which is one of the reasons why we talk about health, talk about taking care of yourself. Because you want to get to the next phases in life where you can do more of what you want to do at any given time.” – Michelle Obama.

Theme #3: Self-Care

​Self-care is something I have had to learn and continue to practice on a daily basis. For many reasons, the act of self-care does not often come naturally for POC girls and women. In fact, the act of self-care often elicits feelings of guilt and shame, and is frequently interpreted as being “selfish.” POC women are socialized to care for the needs and desires of others first, which means that we commonly neglect our self-care or we develop inadequate means of self-care.

Throughout the series, we see inadequate means of coping with the daily stress of life, i.e. excessive drinking, misuse of prescription and illicit drugs, overworking and burn-out, emotional withdrawn, and social isolation. While it is common and tempting to place your own needs aside, this is dangerous and could be deadly. Furthermore, inadequate self-care is often linked to more severe mental and physical health concerns, such as depression, anxiety, hypertension, heart disease, etc.

As our FLOTUS, Michelle Obama, has said, we must maintain our health in order to live a long and happy life. Furthermore, it is impossible for us to care for the needs of others when we ourselves are depleted. The prioritization of self-care must be deliberate. The practice of self-care is invaluable to your overall health and well-being. With that being said, please take a moment to think about how well you are taking care of yourself, and consider implementing some of the following into your daily self-care routine:

The recent unfortunate events regarding the Orlando 'Pulse' nightclub shooting has me thinking a lot about the very intricate complexities that can be found in various aspects of our cultures. While I often talk about perspectives that involve my own cultural variables (millennial, Black, woman, heterosexual, middle class, able-bodied, American, etc.), I am always intrigued by situations and conversations for which I am an outsider. This event is one in which I am an outsider.

Many communities have been impacted, both directly and indirectly, by this heartbreaking situation. Particularly, LGBTQ+ communities, Latinx communities (in addition to other communities of color), and Muslim communities. From an outsider’s perspective, I found myself amazed at how these identities and cultural groups have seemed to collide in this one very tragic incident.

There are so many aspects to consider…

What is it like to be a member of the LGBTQ+ community?

What is it like to be a member of the Latinx community?

What is it like to be a member of the Muslim community?

What is it like to be a member of two or more of these communities?

What is it like to be a parent/friend/family member of a member of one or more of these communities?

What is it like to be a parent/friend/family member of one of the victims of this incident?

What is it like to be a parent/friend/family member who has just learned, simultaneously, that their loved one was a member of the LGBTQ+ community and also did not survive this tragic incident?​

​These are only a few of the aspects one must consider when thinking about the complexities of this event; aspects that require you to step outside of your own worldview to consider the perspective of another. A different perspective.

In American society, -isms are constantly present, and we tend to hear them more during the aftermath of events such as these. –isms, such as homophobia and/or heterosexism, islamophobia, racism, cissexism, etc., are often anger inducing, and full of hate and rage. These -isms can also be scary, particularly to individuals who find themselves to be targets of such hate, anger, and gross misunderstanding. I have noticed the tendency for many to attempt to place blame on one or more of the communities impacted by this tragedy. I have noticed the desire to have these communities fight amongst one another, in the attempt to reconcile what has happened. I have even noticed many who are hesitant to accept the fact that all communities involved in this event are victims and are hurting tremendously.

So what can we do?

If you’re an outsider like me, consider being an ally.

Social Justice Ally: A person of one social identity group who stands up in support of members of another group; typically a member of a dominant group standing beside member(s) of a group being discriminated against or treated unjustly.

Oppressed groups desperately need allies.

Allies are invaluable in the fight to dismantle dominance, privilege, supremacy, and reducing the amount of oppression that these less powerful groups routinely experience.

Allies are willing to educate themselves about different identities and experiences based on cultural variations.

Allies are able to challenge their own discomfort surrounding differences in culture.

Allies understand the need to explore their biases and privileges.

Allies actively learn and practice the skill of being an ally.

Allies are committed to action that will result in interpersonal, societal, institutional, and structural change.

When I was a teenager, I would fantasize about growing up during the 1950s-60s. For me, there was something very glorious, epic, and striking about being a part of the Black Civil Rights Movement. I romanticized that time period more than any other because from it I have gathered strength, determination, courage, empowerment, and inspiration. From this time period, I have learned that activism is revolutionary, appealing, effective, and extraordinarily powerful. Still today, I believe that being an activist, especially one who is willing to give your very life for a cause that is much larger than yourself, is the noblest idea I have ever known.

I have grown since then, and so has my romanticized perspective of the Civil Rights Movement. As my life evolved, so did my ideas and my understanding of activism. Now I’m able to see all the other pieces of activism that I was unable to notice before. Now, I can’t help but to notice the heaviness of rage, or how isolated one can feel within such an immense movement. The hopelessness one may feel as they attempt to fill others with hope and encouragement and the sheer hurt that comes with realizing that one’s own worth and value is conditional, are both unsettling. As said by the great James Baldwin, to be Black and relatively aware in America is to be in a constant state of rage. With that, activism isn’t so glamorous.​I was asked to write this piece as my psychologist self, to address the mental health needs of Black millennials who are dedicating their lives to the “good fight” that is so reminiscent of sixty years ago. Yet, as I write and think about this group of individuals, #blacklivesmatter, and the recent death of MarShawn McCarrel, I can’t help but to see myself as a member of this prestigious yet demanding group. So in a way, I am not only offering up advice as a psychologist to a vulnerable group, but more so attempting to see that my brothers and sisters are taken care of, as we journey down this necessary, noble, yet daunting road called activism.

What is Mental Illness?

I typically do not like to talk about “mental illness” without first addressing mental health. Mental illness is a term that many find intimidating because it implies that something is wrong, unnatural, or “crazy.” Instead, it’s much easier to talk about mental health. Why? Because mental health is natural, something everyone has, and something everyone should prioritize. I like the World Health Organization’s (WHO) definition of mental health, as it states:

“Mental health is defined as a state of well-being in which every individual realizes his or her own potential, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully, and is able to make a contribution to her or his community.”​In contrast, mental illness can occur whenever one’s mental health is assaulted or compromised in any way. Based on WHO’s definition of mental health, it seems relatively easy for one to experience some sort of mental illness (ranging from relatively mild to severe) at some point in their life.Unfortunately, mental illness is something anyone can experience, yet something that most are afraid to discuss.

What are the mental health consequences of being an activist?

Remember what I said about activism not being so pretty? Part of that includes the threats to one’s mental health that can result from involved activism. It is difficult and uncommon for one to dedicate a considerable amount of their thoughts, actions, and resources to fighting incredible injustice, yet that is exactly what several of us who are fighting the “good fight” do, constantly. Many people choose to remain unaware or oblivious, because it’s much easier to remain “asleep.” ​It’s undeniable that activists are strong and incredible people. However, in regards to mental health, we are vulnerable and are more likely to have our mental health compromised due to the tremendous commitment that activism requires. Likewise, the presence of certain risk factors will put us at even greater risk. These include (but are not limited to):

Inadequate close family supports

Inadequate social supports

Inadequate financial resources and/or unemployment

A history of other mental health conditions and/or substance use

Medical conditions

History of trauma or exposure to violence/abuse

Being a member of an oppressed or underrepresented group

An underdeveloped or negative cultural identity

So what does this look like?

Most of us are familiar with terms such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or even post traumatic stress syndrome. However, it’s very common for mental illness to manifest in ways that are not always easily identifiable. This is particularly true for children, men, and ethnic minorities. So how will you know when you or a loved one may be burnt out? Look out for the following red flags:

Increased aggression

Increased vigilance and suspicion (i.e. suspicious of other people or social institutions; avoiding eye contact with others; trust and engagement confined to a select few people)

How to incorporate self-care into your lifestyle.

Build your support system.

Ubuntu means, “I am because we are and because we are, you are.” Therefore, no one should walk alone, especially in the journey of activism. Building a support system of individuals you trust is one of the most important protective factors. Quality of the relationship, as opposed to quantity, is key.

Eat right, exercise, and sleep!

Too often, people underestimate the significance of proper eating, exercise, and sleep. These three factors are the foundation to physiological well-being, which is very much related to one’s mental health. Prioritize your physiological health for optimal mental health.

“Good vibes only!”

We come into contact with several different people, situations, or ideas throughout a typical day. Some may be positive, and others not so much. Therefore, it is important to monitor and guard the energy around you. Protect yourself from negativity, and make attempts to surround yourself with people and things that make you feel good! That also may mean scheduling breaks for social media.

Consider going to therapy.

While there are many different protective factors or coping methods to help decrease the impacts of this distress, only true mental health professionals are equipped to handle and address mental illness. Please do not take your mental health lightly. Build up the courage to seek out mental health therapy. Consider “shopping around” because one mental health professional does not fit all, and do not become discouraged if you do not find the right fit immediately.​

Refine your sense of purpose.

Something that many activists have a tendency to do is to define their life purpose by the amount of progress made within the movement for which they are fighting. This has the potential to be dangerous, as associating worth, purpose, and success to something that may be very resistant to change can lead to hopelessness, low self-esteem, anxiety and overwhelm, and a negative self-image. In fact, consider the idea that many of our most influential leaders and activists did not live to see the influence and change they had hoped to make. I can only imagine the toll that may have taken on their own mental health.

This does not mean to no longer fight for what you believe in, but to consider how you may modify your life purpose to protect yourself and preserve your mental health. This can be difficult and take some thought, but I was able to do so in this way: One of my greatest passions is the advancement of Black American, which is a large feat. However, to make it less cumbersome, but my ultimate purpose is to inspire others to feel empowered to live their best lives. I do this simply by living my best life and letting that be an example. This is only one of many ways to refine your purpose so take your time and consider what fits best for you.​In the words of the great Audre Lorde, “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare.” Remember this very important part of your activism. Take care of yourselves.