The Highlights

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Thursday, January 10, 2008

Subject: "Hey"

Word to the wise: if you happen to get an email with the subject "Hey", it probably isn't as innocuous as it looks. In all likelihood, that limp little heading is the tip of a mountain of bile. The email you are about to receive probably goes a little something like this:

Subject: "Hey"

Hey Emma,

Happy new year. I just need to get something off my chest. I'm really angry at you for the way you behaved at my new year's party. I'm sorry I didn't confront the situation head-on at the time, but I was just so hurt and victimized by what you did that I could barely catch my breath. I am just such a sensitive person, and you can be such an aggressive, thoughtless monster. I really saw your ugly side that night. But I still really want to work this out and let it go. I really admire you and treasure your friendship. Hope we can get together for a coffee sometime and talk about stuff. Meanwhile, happy new year.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

One Great Thing About All 3 Remaining Democratic Candidates!

HILLARY CLINTON - She makes everyone in America feel calm, safe, protected, trusting, loving towards women, proud of the past couple decades, united, strong, and ready to pile in the van and head to the big game together. She has never lied and never gone back on her word about anything.

BARACK OBAMA - There is definitely substance behind all that style. And it's definitely all very left-wing. Even if you have no idea what Barack Obama would actually do if he were President, you have nothing to worry about. His handsomeness, his awesome ethnicity, and his great left-wing commitment to religion, combined with his awesomely hip youth factor, will get us out of all those nasty international scrapes the next four years have lined up for us.

JOHN EDWARDS - Wait. Who? I'm sorry, I haven't heard anything about him. He must not be good or important, or the media would have informed me.