LaRosa's Sweet Spot: July 15, 2009

You're at work and you just need an online shot of some kind to get you through the rest of the day. For some it's grotesque Hollywood gossip delivered by a thirtysomething juvenile delinquent with a far-too-active photoshop pen. For others, it's a sporcle quiz asking for the names of all the schools of Hogwarts or the countries that consume the most beer. For me, it's both, but sometimes it's not enough. I need something more. Something that truly gets the juices pumping. Something (gasp!) tennis-related.

What I want, I get. And this week, I share my bounty with you. Now of course I'm not going to send you to just any old tennis site. Anything and everything you could ever need including instruction, interviews and brisket recipes can be found right here at tennischannel.com (and I'm not just saying that because I'm both contractually obligated and wearing a Tennis Channel electric dog collar). I'm giving you the truly sick. The truly twisted.

Ladies and gentlemen, my secret stash of the most awesomely bad tennis sites on the web:

Bethanie Mattek-Sands greets you looking like Neo from the Matrix, with the biggest sunglasses, hair and hoop earrings you've ever seen. All against an ominous red storm cloud. Click on her and it takes you inside, where she's holding a flaming racquet and sharing face time with an alligator (not in the same shot! Safety first, people). You'll find these images in her media gallery as well, mixed in with wedding pics and pics of her dogs. There's even a link to where you can suggest ideas. My one and only – don't change a thing. I love her so much it hurts.

Clearly a work in progress, but where else are you going to find both officially licensed Vince Spadea merchandise (autographed copies of his book "Break Point," t-shirts that say "Spadea Ain't Afraid Of Ya") and a blog by the man himself? Okay, there's only one entry but it starts with "No webmasters, no sideshow people, straight up Vince writing you from a local florida coffee shop" so you know you're in for a treat. You're welcome.

Oh yeah, the official site of "Jelena's World," which was either the number one movie in Serbia for months or just grazed the top ten, depending on where you get your news. Either way, you can find the trailer here (Jelena lounges under bed sheets, Jelena holds Sony Ericsson phones up on red carpets, Jelena hits a ball or two), along with making-of clips, songs, and photos from the premiere. But wait there's more! Starting now, you can watch the whole film for just 3,49 Euro! Oh you so know you wanna…

TC stalwart Justin Gimelstob loves him some Twitter. He's on it. A lot. Even during his own matches (which I think is genius, I'm sorry). Some recent gems: "Having a sick bonding session with mom at breakfast." "just learned some great beauty nuggets from @alexiswolfer, like how to keep my legs super smooth by shaving 2 days in a row!" "I crushed a huge bowl of clam chowder." Can 4,498 followers be wrong?

Not a twisted tennis site? You obviously ain't lookin' in the right places. Try searching for the key words "Clijsters" and "bear." Or "Sharapova" and "Japanese." See a new take on grunting by searching "Hetnet" and "tennis." Or a frisky new side of Marat Safin as he helps close a TV show ("safin's," "credits"). Search "tennis accident" for an impromptu on-court bird funeral. But don't scroll too far down or you'll find some nasty spills that may keep you off the court forever. That means you, Mary Pierce.

1. www.the-white-mile.org/whitemileenlish.htm
“A mile can be very long, especially if it is a white one.” What? So leads off Patty Schnyder's "White Mile," the cryptic book she's writing with Rainer Hoffmann that has yet to see the light of day. But thank God we have the accompanying site, a virtual haunted house inhabited by bats, cockroaches, Jason Voorhees and Schnyder in full tennis gear, all set to a Twin Peaks soundtrack. You can get lost here for hours. Much like, I would imagine, if you visited Patty Schnyder's mind. I'll tell ya, it's a glorious place to be.

Run, don't walk, people. Tell 'em James sent ya. And then for god's sake, get back to work.