First of all, that would be a hella fucked-up toddler. Second of all, there's no way Lady Gaga weighs 200 pounds unless she's eight feet tall and nobody has ever mentioned it. Or if she has adamantium claws (plausible). But anyway, her big fancy manager Troy Carter "jokingly compared Gaga to a '200-lb toddler,' but on a more serious note, he refused to accept that she has 'made it' as a full-blown superstar." Whatever you say, bro. He also had this to say about the protests against Gaga's Indonesian concerts: "It's less about Gaga than it really is what's happening in the world right now as a whole...This is a microcosm. It's a generational divide. Jesus Christ got crucified. It happens." 'KAY. So if Gaga's a 200-pound toddler with half-blown superstardom, what does that make Jesus? [HuffPo]

A few preview clips from Bristol Palin's upcoming reality series Life's a Trip reveal that Bristol thinks she's "failed as a mom." And her failure is all Levi Johnson's fault: "I failed as a mom because I picked the worst possible candidate in the world that I could have been dating and got pregnant with...Tripp was what God gave me...I just wish anyone else could have been his dad." Okay. There are a lot of things I want to say right now, and I hope you guys appreciate my restraint. [E!]

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Here are some pictures of Gwyneth Paltrow's house, which—fun fact—looks exactly like if Gwyneth Paltrow got on the wrong side of a witch and the witch transformed her into a house. [HuffPo]

The Spice Girls are NOT on the official list of groups slated to perform at the 2012 London Olympics, and that is totally unacceptable, according to the Spice Girls. "I don't know exactly where this list has come from," says Sporty Spice, "and obviously sometimes things come out that aren't quite right. But I'd be really upset if the Spice Girls weren't included in the Olympics, whether it be the opening or closing ceremonies or any other playlists, because I think we absolutely represented Britain in the '90s. We literally flew the flag—and Geri even wore it—around the globe." Culinary tip: After a couple of years, spices tend to lose their flavor, but did you know that you can release some of their essential oils by heating them up in a dry pan? [PopWatch]

Jason Segel is "totally smitten" with Michelle Williams, and Michelle Williams "hasn't been this happy in forever." Picture an "awwwwwwwwwwww" stretching around the curvature of the earth and onward into eternity. [People]

Helen Mirren, James Franco, Penn & Teller, Olympia Dukakis, the New Kids on the Block, and Steve Harvey will all be receiving stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in 2013. Then they're all gonna FUCK!!! [AP]

President Obama is in ur house stealin ur birthday presents. [DailyIntel]

This headline made me laugh for an hour: "Woody Allen dislikes own films, but won't retire." [Yahoo!]

Anna Kendrick has never watched Glee. Fun fact: this is literally the only thingAnna Kendrick has never done. [E!]

The Black Keys are suing Pizza Hut for diarrhea using their song without permission. [AP]