The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice

Every morning, it starts over. We get a chance to shape the lives of our children. The way that we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.

Think about when your kids make a poor decision… they spill milk on their homework (when they aren’t supposed to be eating or drinking near it), they break your favorite picture frame (when they shouldn’t be throwing a ball in the house), they don’t clean up their room, they track mud into the house… each thing after you’ve told them time and time again what to do. Your first reaction “Ugh! I wish that you would have listened to me… this would not have happened!”

I get it, because I did this, too.

Last year, Mickey and I started trying something different. We looked at the ACTION, not our kids. Instead of reacting with anger, we reacted with empathy. I stopped yelling, stop reprimanding, but instead, just gave the consequence with sincere empathy.

THESE FOUR WORDS WILL CHANGE THE WAY THAT YOU PARENT:

“I LOVE YOU AND…”

You are telling them that you love them even though they have done something that you aren’t happy about. That doesn’t change how much you love them.

When our kids do something that I disapprove of, I often start with “I love you so much. Your choice today made me really sad, and it wasn’t what I expected from you” or I will discipline them and talk to them afterward. I tell our kids, every day, “I love you all the time. I love you when I am happy or sad. I love you when I am excited or angry. I love you when you make good choices and bad choices. I love you when you are home or away” … (the list goes on & on).

Our kids do it, too. Just yesterday, Ethan (our 5-year old) said, “Mom, I’m sorry that I wasn’t nice to you today at lunch. I was mad because I wanted peanut butter and jelly. I love you all the time, even when I’m mad at you.”

You can’t take it back.
I was a teacher and one time I had a conference with a student and his family. When I told his parents about his declining reading score, he looked right at his son and said “Do you even try?” and looked back at me and said, “Sometimes, he can be so dumb.”

I was dumbfounded.

What on earth is going on here?! I used that opportunity to build up the child and explain his many, many strengths. The point is that you can’t take it back. You can’t take back words like “lazy” or “dumb” or “thoughtless” or “mean” – once they are out there, they stay out there. Your kids continue to hear these words in their heads.

Instead of “You are so lazy. Get up and help me!” Try “You work so hard. Can you give me a hand? It will get done so much faster.” I can (almost) guarantee that it will work 100% better than going the negative route. Instead of tearing them down, you are building them up and achieving the same end result: they are helping you.

Today, use your words to help your kids. If you are looking for more on the subject, check out the course Parenting Manual 101.

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About Becky (Your Modern Family)

Hi! I'm Becky Mansfield ~ founder of Your Modern Family. I am the wife to Mickey & the mom to four little blessings! I am a teacher turned play therapist and stay at home Mom. I love to share my organization tips, kid ideas, money-saving tips and recipes with you.

Reader Interactions

Comments

You are right, there’s always a better way to express what we are trying to communicate because they are learning from us. And our goal as moms is to teach them to treat those around them with respect and that starts with the kind of respect we treat them with.

Oh my goodness. I don’t know you and I NEVER comment on blogs but today my heart has been so heavy with my lack of skills as a mother yet my deep desire to do it well. And i found comfort and more importantly hope in your words. From a stranger to another- a simple thank you! For the spirit of God just spoke to me through you.

Great theory but let’s talk about reality. If my kid is being lazy I am not going to sugar coat it, I’m going to tell him he’s being lazy and needs to get off his a** and do his chores or homework.
I am so tired of reading articles on how we should talk to our kids vetter, build them up, make them feel like rockstars and not ever hurt their feelings. My job as a parent/step-parent is to raise my kids to live in the real world where life isn’t fair and words can be hurtful but to still stand up and know they have meaning and have self confidence to keep trying.
I’m not saying we should tell our kids they are dumb and worthless, I’m saying if they spill the milk after being told to move it they should hear that they should have listened and now they don’t have any more milk. Then, make them clean it up. Next time, they will probably be more careful.

Consequences (for spilling the milk) should always be proportionate and loving. Label actions ( lack of listening, refusal to do chores, etc.). but do not put negative labels on your children. Teach them that “the real world” is not always respectful and kind toward others, and show them how to listen to the truth about who they are when the world wants to step on them. Teach them empathy, not reaction toward others. Show them how to listen to others by listening to them. And remember that spilled milk is no where near as important as them knowing that they are loved without exception.

Your post is on point… dito Heather’s comment above I also never comment on posts but your spoke to me today.
I struggle with the execution of the content….in the heat of the moment its hard to remember, or I remember half and tone down.. how long did it take you and your husband to change the way you responded ??

There are the words I wish every parent could hear… they should be read, heard, seen, every day. We as parents try so hard, and yet we forget the simple fact that our kids learn everything from those around them. I’m not a perfect mom. Most times I feel like a horrible mom, especially when I lose my patience with my son. He’s learned soany bad habits from his cousin that it makes his dad and me so annoyed. But it’s things like this that remind me to reinforce, not get angry. And it’s hard. But I thank you for reminding us that there are better ways…

Thanks for this article. I try my best to be positive with my daughter, even when she is misbehaving. I’m not perfect, but I do try. There are certain words that I never use when talking to my daughter and they are that she’s “bad” or “stupid”. I’ve had to correct my husband several times in the past when he has reprimanded our daughter by calling her a bad girl. I told him that she will start associating herself with that word if we use it, so now he really tries not to say that. However, I was dumbfounded when I went over to a client’s home to shoot their family photos and the father got mad at his sons for doing something and he actually said, “What are you, stupid?” I agree with you that we need to be kinder to our children so that their inner voice will be kinder to them.

I loved reading this article, and wish I could say I am like this. I do love my children more than anything, but sometimes I find myself shouting at them for not listening to me. I have used the word stupid and instantly regretted it. When I think back to occasions where we have had a shouting match it really upsets me and makes me wonder what my kids must think. Also I know that me getting angry and stressed and shouting isn’t helping.
I have vowed from this day I will be a happy positive mummy and not shout or bark orders but talk to my kids, give them some leeway and most importantly have fun with them.
Thank you for your article
Emily
Mummy of a 3 and 4 year old

My four girls are ages one to five…I’m sinking in the quicksand of frustration. My heart is breaking, knowing that my awful words, looks, tone are becoming their inner voice. I want my beautiful, talented, spirited girls inner voices to scream from the mountain tops: I am smart, I am beautiful, I will rock all of my adventures; nothing can slow me down! I want them to be courageous and kind. I want them to find themselves in the service of others.

Thank you so much for this post! I question my parenting skills everyday…this post is definitely an eye opener. I have never insulted my children; but I have yelled and have probably expected too much from my little ones. However,I also tell them how much they are loved often. I will be putting your advise to use immediately. Thank you for this…you aré brilliant! I will also sign up for emails and look forward to learning more. Want I want most for my children is for them to know that they are loved, that they feel
safe, that we will always be there for them and them to grow into independent, caring members of society. I am positive your blog will help us on this journey ?

You are so right, and my heart has been stricken by the realization that even when I didn’t mean to be cruel, I have been. I was raised very strictly and my parents were often abusive, though to this day they still insist that some of it was proper parenting as passed down by their parents. Knowing that I came from a cycle of abuse I have tried to be so careful not to do the same, but when I am angry words just fly out, words that I know should not be said (nothing as bad as “you’re dumb,” thank goodness, but bad enough). Partially due to genetics and partially due to my childhood I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, severe chronic depression, and bipolar disorder. I do not want my sweet girl to grow up to be like me, her life forever blighted by mental illness because of something I did wrong. So thank you for this post. I have shared it with my husband and we will start trying to use loving words that build up instead of words that tear down. Reading it like that, it just sounds so common-sense, and yet for so many of us, it’s not the obvious choice that it should be. God help us all!

Excellent read up……Every parent has a responsibility to make their lovely kids into a loving and kind adult. Parents are the first teacher, I realised this when my 2 year girl shouted on me back – the lesson I learned from that one small incidence was that toddlers do exactly what we elders do. From that day – I never shouted on her and it worked. I agree that there is always a better way to teach them. Thanks for reminding me this again because with my son now u needed to be more patient

I know this is one specific area where God is wanting me to change. I have learnt that we should also ask our children forgiveness for specific times where we were verbally abusive or cruel or unkind. If we dont do this they will be adults with so much baggage and only establish the source much later in their lives. To set up an evening of washing our childrens feet, repenting and asking their forgiveness will bring restoration. Last year during our Church fasting I attempted to being the Holy Spirit to my family. This year I am praying thatcthe Holy Spirit will change me into the wife and mom he wants me to be. Thank you for this post. I do enjoy your choice of posts.

Hey Becky thanks for this article… It’s so easy to get away with scolding as a vent on what the kids aren’t doing right. In the end, we lose sight of the bigger picture of our kids being loved instead of wanting things to be right. BTW for the book you recommended, I clicked the link and it’s empty. Can you advise what is the book title and author? Thanks

If you are going to equip children for life as adults then it is important to be honest or they will not be able to develop the skills they need to deal with the world’s harsh realities. It is important to be kind, and reassure your children that you love them, but you must also be honest with them as well. Spilling milk, don’t over-react certainly, but remind them that you tried to prevent it and that listening to you is usually a good idea. Training them into thinking about the consequences of the little things may set them up to think about the consequences of more important things. People of all ages are human, and get frustrated with each other, and sometimes say the wrong thing, but ardent overpraise where it hasn’t been warranted, and which therefore devalues genuine praise where it has, will just infantilize our children as adults. Getting the balance right is the holy grail for sure.

I found this today after having a tough parenting day. My wife received a text asking if her boy ever did anything to my son to make him want to pick on him and that he came home crying. We had noticed a change in our son the past few weeks, he is very fortunate and talented and through all his little undefeated seasons and all star nominations we get caught up and haven’t had much opportunity to teach learning from mistakes and having humble confidence. I called him an idiot an I thought his eyes were going to bulge out of his head. He’s a good kid and I just want to do right by him.

The statement your reaction becomes their inner voice is so challenging. I get so stressed sometimes but I want to raise children who are aware of good and bad choices and not let bad behaviour define them. Their behaviour changes and it’s not who they are. Found this so inspiring thankyou.

Becky,
I appreciate this article. As a psychologist, I have written extensively about the importance of thinking about discipline as a combination of punishments AND reinforcements, heavy on the reinforcement side. If we want our children to be confident, bold and self-assured, then they need someone they trust to tell them that they are fabulous, powerful people who ought to feel that way. Thank you for your work!

Reading this struck cords with me. One part I wonder if you could reconsider, just rephrasing slightly the responses that you make – I have just been learning about ‘non violent communication’ – Marshall Rosenberg – and he encourages us to use language that doesn’t lay fault with anyone else. So when you say to your children “Your choice today made me really sad, and it wasn’t what I expected from you” Marshall would suggest that we should rephrase and say “I FEEL sad WHEN this happened BECAUSE that I was expecting (and state the expectation). If we blame our children (or anyone else) for how we are feeling “You made me feel…” that too adds to our internal narrative of not being good enough or being responsible for other peoples behaviour and reactions. As a mum to 3, I know that I will feel differently in response to a situation or behaviour depending on other factors – like how tired I am, how much of a rush I am in etc. So sometimes the behaviour will lead to feelings of anger for me, and other times the very same behaviour will not result in such a strong feeling. Non violent communication is amazing and dovetails with your ethos and approach to parenting, I feel hopeful for huge shift in the way that we communicate as parents, and the positive impact that this will no doubt have on our kid’s mental health and outlook in life!

Hi, I am certainly guilty of this =( Thanks for the article. It’s true that you become your kids’ inner voice. I still hear my mother and my older sister’s voices. My question is, for my sons who are 9 and 3, how do I undo any damage I’ve already done with all the negative words I’ve said to them?

[…] We are not trying to create timid children, whose main goals in life are to avoid punishments. We want to create children who are confident, bold, and self-assured. The source of these qualities in adulthood is how the parents talked to them when they were children. As author Peggy O’Mara has famously said, “The way we talk to our child becomes their inner voice.” […]

[…] We are not trying to create timid children, whose main goals in life are to avoid punishments. We want to create children who are confident, bold, and self-assured. The source of these qualities in adulthood is how the parents talked to them when they were children. As author Peggy O’Mara has famously said, “The way we talk to our child becomes their inner voice.” […]

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About Becky

Hi! I'm Becky Mansfield ~ founder of Your Modern Family. I am the wife to Mickey & the mom to four little blessings! I am a teacher turned play therapist and stay at home Mom. I love to share my organization tips, kid ideas, money-saving tips and recipes with you. Read More…