Believing In Love When You’ve Never Had It Before

Some people dream of sharing that special kind of love, but instead find violence, abuse, and trauma; again and again and again. Sometimes their parental examples sucked, and all they witnessed was abuse, disrespect, and cheating. Sometimes they themselves were victims of child physical or sexual abuse by their parents. When we grow up watching our father beat or cheat on our mother, or our mother cheat on or lie to our father, or our father sneak into our bedroom at night to force us to do sexual things with him; and then have a series of unhealthy, dysfunctional, or abusive relationships; it could be super hard for us to believe in the real thing if it poked us in the eye. So when we find it, we might not trust it, and could find ourselves doubting it, sabotaging it, or letting it go for something more familiar (which, of course, would be re-creating the unhealthy habits and patterns we are used to).

We may also have developed various “coping strategies,” such as excessive alcohol use, drugs, psychiatric medications, or social groups that support its members’ dysfunction (group mind/we can all believe that something really destructive is wonderful — together). We also use our ego to help us “cope.” We do these things in order to avoid discomfort and cover up the truth.

Alcohol, Drugs, and Medication

When we use alcohol, weed, or psychiatric medications to help us avoid discomfort, escape from reality, or cover up the truth; we are reinforcing the problem, and adding layer upon layer to our growing snowball of pain. Since our own healing and growth, and our encouragement of the healing and growth of others, are the reasons for our existence as humans; and since truth, personal responsibility, acceptance of our true nature (spirit), and love are requirements for these attainments; it is important that we recognize and remove all things that inhibit or prevent their realization. Such things could include excessive alcohol, weed (or other drugs), and psychiatric medication use.

Research demonstrates that one in four women are sexually or physically abused, and these are only the reported cases. Through my work, I have grown to believe that it is more like half of them. Men are much more commonly abused than is believed or reported, partly because men are even more embarrassed or ashamed to tell anyone than women are (because they see it as a reflection of their manliness, and think it will make them look weak or stupid).

I once had a friend who had been sexually molested by her father in her bedroom starting when she was eight, then by her best friend’s father in their pool, and was then raped at age 13. She grew up believing that her value lay in her sexuality; and that the only way to get attention from men was to give them sex. I have literally known scores of women starring in the lead role of this social tragedy. So my friend grew up giving sex to guys indiscriminately because she wanted their attention and approval. She then began using alcohol, weed, acid, cocaine, crack, and ice to numb herself, cover it up, and run away from the painful truth. This, of course, resulted in her doing more of the things she was trying to avoid facing, creating a need for more and stronger “coping strategies.” She became suicidally depressed and anxious, and was prescribed multiple psychiatric medications. She was taking Vyvanse, a dextroamphetamine, to help her make it through the day. She was taking Seroquel, an antipsychotic tranquilizer, to help her sleep at night. She was taking Lexapro, an antidepressant, to stabilize her mood. When she had more symptoms, her doctors wanted to increase the dosage of her medications. So she was drinking and doing drugs every day, taking three psychiatric medications, and doing more of the things that caused the shame, guilt, regret, remorse, self hatred, and anger; and hanging out with “friends” who encouraged her in her destructive habits, calling them confidence builders.

Group Mind

When we engage in deviant or socially irresponsible behaviors, especially when they are in conflict with our inner true nature, we often seek others who are doing the same things. We do this so we can all make excuses together, talk each other into believing that what we are doing is good, change things around to make them seem different than they really are, or make ourselves feel better when we would naturally be feeling worse. When we do this, we are not allowing ourselves to experience the natural consequences of our thoughts, words, and actions. These consequences, and the feelings they generate (e.g. shame, guilt, regret, remorse, etc.) are the hot stove effects that would help us learn from our experiences by causing us to pay more attention the next time around in order to stop it from happening again.

So the friend I mentioned above started hanging with a party crowd in high school, did lots of drugs, had lots of sex, and told lots of lies; and selected her “friends,” as they selected her, based on whether or not they would support each others’ destructive habits and patterns. This can be even more harmful than alcohol, drugs, and medication. Together, everyone in the network is encouraging everyone else to lower their vibration, strengthen the problem, and collectively destroy their lives; while calling it health, beauty, and confidence. I have a lot of colorful stories related to this point, but don’t want to give it too much energy.

The Human Ego

The “coping strategies” mentioned thus far have been external ones, and when we choose to, we can eliminate them without too much difficulty. One of the reasons for this is that they do not involve us looking so directly at ourselves; and we can blame these things for our problems. The real challenge comes when we need to face the truth about ourselves and how we have lived our lives, in order to break free from our ego (its issues and defenses). Sometimes we don’t want to face the truth about the choices we have made, poor judgement we have exercised, immoralities we have perpetrated, ways we have harmed others, or the difference between how we want to believe we have lived our life and the ways we have actually lived it. For most of us, it is easier to focus on a problem and work on resolving it if we can blame it on someone or something else. When we need to look at ourselves, we often use our ego issues (e.g. inadequacy, victimization, control, trust) and their supporting defenses (e.g. know-it-all/arrogance, self righteous indignation, controlling style, and distrust, respectively) to help us avoid, deny, or twist the truth into something that makes us look and feel better.

Believing In Love

When we find real love, if we face such challenges, our ego and conditioning will conspire to cause us to doubt it, push it away, or even destroy it. This provides a wonderful growth opportunity! If the love is there, we will know it at some level. This level is our spirit. So if we leave our ineffective, destructive external “coping strategies” behind in order to invest in a healthy relationship, this love will already be transforming our lives in numerous and healthy ways. If we let go of our ego, and plunge into truth, responsibility, and love; risking discomfort, facing fears, and welcoming truth (however painful); our love will help us transform these insidious, often elusive ghosts that have been haunting us throughout our lives. “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that; hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. So why not let the light of truth help us believe in real love! If we do, we will only be healthier, happier, clearer, and higher vibrational! Our love will find a way!

Song Reaches #19 on AC40 Chart This Week

“Our Love Will Find a Way” reached #19 on the AC40 chart this week! This is truly amazing, and radio promoters say they have not seen a debut release climb the charts this quickly in years! Please join me in celebrating this “wonder song!” It is written and recorded at frequencies that tune the soul. Go ahead, check it out! There is something different about it!

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About Dr. Kai Swigart

Dr. Paul David Kai`makani`mele Swigart, known as Dr. Kai, is a therapist, spiritual teacher, and healer who resides on the Big Island of Hawaii. Through the traditional sense, Dr. Kai has a Ph.D. in psychology from United States International University, is licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist in California and Hawaii, and also holds credentials as Certified Employee Assistance Professional, Substance Abuse Professional, and Certified Arise Interventionist. From an alternative angle, Dr. Kai is a vibrational healing practitioner, crystal healer, and shaman. He is a student of Ayurvedic Medicine, Quantum Physics, and Jyotish.