Dark Bilious Vapors

But how could I deny that I possess these hands and this body, and withal escape being classed with persons in a state of insanity, whose brains are so disordered and clouded by dark bilious vapors....
--Rene Descartes, Meditations on First Philosophy: Meditation I

05/05/2004: Well, at least he's not drinking it....

music: Pink Floyd: Comfortably Numb

In a strong contender for today's installment in the "News we really didn't need to hear" department, we get this from Brian Gunn over at Redbird Nation:

MARINATED MOISES You've probably noticed that Moises Alou is one of the few big leaguers who doesn't use batting gloves (only a handful of other players abstain, including Vlad, Jorge Posada, Jason Kendall, Craig Counsell). And as you probably also know, hitting without gloves can tear up your hands if you don't have strong calluses to weather the friction caused by swinging a bat.

So how does Moises harden his hands? According to ESPN's Gary Miller --

He urinates on his hands. That's the honest truth. Alou said he isn't sure where he learned this distasteful folk medicine, but it wasn't from his famous father. And it works for Moises.

I'd be careful high-fiving that dude after a home run.

Now at this point, I just know some folks are wincing at the title of this post, and wondering what kind of sicko I am. Well, if you really want the answer to that question, email me and I'll think about putting you in touch with my ex-wives and a few ex-girlfriends, who are in a better position to answer that question than I am (I'm too close to me to be objective, y'know). However, that being beside the point for now.... in some parts there is, as God is my witness, a tradition of drinking one's urine for supposed health benefits. I'll let Cecil Adams, The World's Smartest Human Being (note to those of you who've been snowed by the Marilyn Vos Savant hype machine: Marilyn is a mere poseur, Unca Cecil is The Real Thing--so there!) take it from here:

Mindful of our discussion about the importance of washing one's hands after going to the bathroom and recalling my comment that urine itself, being fairly sterile, is not the problem, a reader sent me a clipping from the March/April 1996 Yoga Journal.

Here's the headline: "Drink to Your Health: Wealthy French women bathed in it, Chinese doctors used it to soothe sore throats, and now you--all squeamishness aside--can drink it to cure what ails you."

Guess what "it" is.

You guessed right.

I'm serious.

I quote author Blake More:

"Odds are you're among the 27 million Americans who recycle. . . . Would you be willing to take the act of recycling a step further and internally honor your bodily home, if it meant you'd have more energy, a stronger immune system, and an ageless complexion? Of course you would."

Welcome to urine therapy.

All it takes, says Blake, is eight ounces a day.

Blake first heard about UT from a naturopath in Japan. Of course she had to try it--wouldn't you? Four years later, she reports, "I'm a different person. I'm more in tune with my body's needs and functions, and no longer anemic or hypoglycemic. I rarely get colds, haven't had the flu in years, and the yeast infection that had long been plaguing me is gone. . . . I now feel healthy and strong." Only problem is gargling with those little deodorant blocks.

She goes on to give a long list of diseases, including many related to AIDS, that urine therapy will supposedly alleviate. The list includes everything from gangrene to hair loss to malaria. Sure.

While I don't suppose there's any danger urine therapy will become the next macarena, I did take the precaution of checking out the concept with University of Chicago kidney specialist Dr. John Asplin. He thought urine consumption in moderate quantities was probably harmless.

The stuff is fairly sterile, and if you do happen to have a urinary-tract infection or something, well, you've already got whatever germs you're consuming. (Former Indian prime minister Moraji Desai, a daily urine drinker, lived to be 99.)

On the other hand, Asplin said, UT isn't likely to do you much good either. Listen to your body. Your body is saying, "I just got rid of this stuff, granola-brain. Are you nuts?"

But if you want to try it, be my guest. Just don't eat any asparagus first.[Note: you need to scroll all the way to the bottom of the page if you follow the link --LRC]