Human sexuality is one of the most powerful, mysterious, baffling forces in all the universe.

If sexuality is such a powerful thing
If it’s so amazing
If it can be such a gift when it’s handled rightly
If it can express intimacy and love like nothing else in the world… which it can

And on the other hand

If sexuality can be so devastating when it’s mishandled
If it can destroy marriages
If it can cripple consciences
If it can traumatize young lives
If it can consume those who have become addicted to it…

Then where are we going to go for authoritative guidance on it?

People turn to all kinds of sources in our day. Some turn to Oprah, some to movies, magazines, the Internet, or their peers.

But I’ll tell you where people in our society don’t go very often. They don’t go to God, to the author of human sexuality. They don’t go to the Bible.

The chaplains of the University of Nebraska did a survey of incoming freshmen and asked, “Did your church significantly influence your views on sexuality?”

Two percent of the incoming classes said yes. Two percent said their church had a significant influence on the way that they think about sexuality.

That’s not a good thing.

So today, we’re going to look at getting authoritative guidance from God.

I would like to walk us through four critical questions about human sexuality and see what the Bible has to say about this very important subject.

Here’s the first question.

If sex is such a great intimacy producing activity, then why are there so many restrictive rules around it?

If sex is such a great intimacy producing activity, which it is, then why are there so many restrictive rules around it? Why does God put boundaries around it?

I want to start here with what is not the answer to this question because there is a lot of confusion about this.

The reason that there are rules regarding sexuality in the Bible is not because God is down on sex or generally opposed to sexual pleasure.

The Bible is quite clear that God created the human body, including the hormones, that are in us. They were his idea. Sexual desire is not evil. It is a good thing.

In fact, in the Bible, the very first command given to human beings is this command: Be fruitful and multiply.

You can be sure Adam and Eve’s response was not, “Well, if we have to, okay.”

God made us sexual creatures. Sexual yearnings are good things. They’re right in the design of your body. They are part of your desire for community and intimacy, but they’ve been junked up by the Fall, by sin.

But you look around this room right now. Every person you see, no matter how together they may look, has problems related to sexuality.

Therefore, the writers of Scripture have some very serious warnings about this area.

Listen to what Paul writes:

It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God.

Now, the reason warnings like this are in Scripture is not that God devalues sex, but quite the contrary. It is that he values it so highly.

You see, sex was not created by God to relieve loneliness for a night or to gratify momentary cravings.

I said this a couple weeks ago and it’s worth repeating:

When you have sex with another person, you’re not just touching someone’s body, you’re touching their soul.

God has made us and designed this dimension to us in such a way that sexual intimacy involves not just the touching of bodies, but the coming together of souls.

That’s why it is so deep and so mysterious. That’s why when it is wrongfully expressed, it does such damage… because it’s a soul connection.

That’s why it’s reserved for marriage, for the context of a relationship where there is an ultimate, public, permanent commitment.

Now the truth is, this is not just something the writers of Scripture teach.

There is something in the human heart that tells us that sexuality is something to be prized and guarded, as difficult as that is, and handled with care.

We know this instinctively, I think.

And I want you to know, in all honestly, my thinking about dating and sex and so on has been heavily influenced by the fact that I now have two daughters.

Someone gave me an application to date my daughter.

I’m thinking about using it in the years to come.

I want to hear some of it.

This is in the application for permission to date my daughter.

First is fairly innocuous: name, date of birth, height, weight, IQ, GPA. Those are important things.

Then moving along:

“How fast can you run forty yards? How fast can you run two miles?”

Then some personal essay questions:

In 50 words or less, what does ‘late’ mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does ‘don’t touch my daughter’ mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does ‘abstinence’ mean to you?”

Then a little more personal, some fill-in-the-blank questions:

If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is in the ?
If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ?
In the unfortunate event of my untimely death, I would like my ashes scattered ?
When I first meet a girl, the first thing I usually notice about her is ?

Then a response:

Thanks for your interest. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please allow four to six years for processing.

There’s something inside of us that says we ought to be careful about this area. We just know that instinctively.

We pretend not to sometimes if we don’t want to, but there’s something inside of us that knows this is about our souls.

This brings us to a great problem with human sexuality. The problem is that just forbidding sexual misbehavior doesn’t always help a whole lot — just saying, “Don’t touch.”

See, we’re kind of wired up that way. If you see a sign on a bench that says, “Don’t touch, wet paint,” what do you want to do?

Very often, forbidding just inflames desire.

It’s because we have sexual desire. They’re good things that were affected by the Fall.

But here’s what’s important: Underneath these desires and fueling, at the deepest level because they have to do with our existence as spiritual beings, is our craving not to be alone, I believe.

I think for the most part sexual misbehavior is engaged in not primarily or just because of promiscuity or evilness… I think mostly it’s from lonely people.

And you understand, since the Fall, since the advent of sin, our loneliness is primarily a reflection of the fact that our relationship, our connectedness with God has been severed.

Our true sense of aloneness is that we have been separated from God.

This means that that craving to be delivered from aloneness can only ultimately be satisfied by God.
We live in the world where the illusion is that sexual and romantic fulfillment will take away your aloneness, and so people are absolutely desperate for it.

But it will not take away your aloneness, and this is why trying to control your sex life on your own just by willpower is a losing deal.

This is why many of us use sex as a temporary relief from the boredom or pain that comes when we experience the full extent of our aloneness.

This is why just forbidding wrong behavior by itself cannot work.

Human sexuality under control, I believe, can only happen for someone who has learned to be alone with God, who has asked God to take away the aloneness that gnaws at the human heart.

I want to tell you whether you know it or not, your deepest craving for intimacy is not a craving for another body, it is a craving for intimacy with God. What you long for most is to be held in the arms of God, the father, who made you.

Your deepest need for healing is your need for healing from God, and no body can give that to you. No picture or video can give that to you.

As long as you try to use sexual activity as a way to feed those hungers, it will never be enough for you. It never will.

Alright, second question:

Why are affairs so destructive?

Because we live in a society where sex is often treated as a fairly casual or recreational activity, we have a hard time coming to grips with this.

It’s ironic to me that our society has come up with so many cute nicknames for such a lethal act.

It’s given all kinds of euphemisms. Think about them:

playing around
fooling around
having a fling
getting a little on the side
hooking up
Netflix and chill

I believe all these euphemisms are designed to keep us from acknowledging this simple truth: No single act has the power to damage a human heart or inflict pain on a marriage like sexual infidelity.

This is because marriage is the act of open, human commitment.

A man and a woman stand before each other in the presence of God and other people and say, “Til death do us part. Whatever the circumstances, better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health, til death do us part.”

Then sexual intimacy is the ultimate expression of this commitment.

I say as best I can, “I entrust myself to you. This is an act of utter vulnerability, utter openness, nothing hidden.”

So sexual infidelity is the ultimate betrayal of trust.

That’s why there has never been a non-devastating affair, never. There never will be.

There has never been a quick, easy healing from a spouse’s sexual misconduct. There never will be.

Ask anyone who has ever been through it.

You want to know raw, unbearable pain? That’s the fastest route I know.

Sexual infidelity is the ultimate betrayal of trust, and it is the fastest way to the greatest pain I know.

There’s other ways of producing sexual hurt in marriage.

There are some in this room who will be involved in a kind of emotional affair. Maybe there are physical lines you haven’t crossed, but emotionally you have.

Or there are some of you in a kind of romantic fantasy that causes you to deny your marriage the energy and the presence that it deserves, that God wants for it.

Or there are other problems.

One author that I read this week estimates based on research and his own clinical work that 55 percent of Christian men — this is not people outside the church — are involved in sexually addictive behaviors of one kind or another.

This is what Jesus had to say about sex:

You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.

And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

A question I’ve been reflecting on this week is: Who is a good person when it comes to sexuality?

In Jesus’ day, people often thought like this: “In the Ten Commandments, the seventh commandment forbids adultery, so people who commit adultery are the bad people, and people who avoid committing adultery are the good people.”

Now you’ll notice in this text Jesus is addressing men.

The idea of a power differential between the sexes did not get invented in our day. We will sometimes talk about the double standard when it comes to sex. That was actually an explicit part of the law in the ancient world.

This is from an ancient Roman law speaking to men. It goes like this: “If you should catch your wife in adultery, you may put her to death without a trial, but if you should commit adultery, she must not presume to lay a finger on you, nor does the law allow it.”

Now Jesus does not allow what the Romans did. He actually counters it.

Jesus doesn’t say what a lot of people then and even today sometimes say. “If a man lusts after a woman, maybe it’s the woman’s fault. Maybe she dressed the wrong way. Maybe she did something.”

This idea of looking lustfully that Jesus talks about is real important, and often misunderstood, so let’s unpack it for a moment.

Jesus uses a present participle here. The idea is “Whoever looks and goes on looking.”

In other words, Jesus is not saying that sexual attraction itself is a bad thing. It was God’s idea.

Sex is very good.
God is pro-hormones.
Jesus is pro-hormones.
Our sexuality is part of who we are whether we’re single or married, whether we’re young or old.
It is a constant source of mystery, wonder, and joy wherever we are in life.

See, Jesus is not talking about attraction or noticing attraction. He’s talking about someone who deliberately indulges sexual gratification by continued looking.

He’s talking about what might be called “the look.”

You all know about the look, don’t you?

A couple is at a restaurant. A woman is waiting on them, and the husband finds her sexually attractive. He starts staring at her. He’s doing this in a way to feed his own desire for sexual gratification. You can see it in his face.

The woman serving the table knows it and feels awkward or embarrassed or maybe tempted by a certain sense of power it brings.

The man’s wife notices it and feels crushed by it and rejected or angry.

If she talks about it, he denies it, so he adds lying to his sin and damages his marriage and dents his integrity.

Does anybody have any idea what I’m talking about here or is this all novel territory?

The look itself is a public act with public effect, and Jesus knew all about this.

Here’s where Jesus gets real provocative. This is the stuff that’s a real head scratcher for people.

Jesus says:

If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away.

Does this strike anyone here as just a little tiny bit extreme?

Jesus isn’t hiding this. He’s emphasizing it.

He doesn’t say just any old eye. He says your right eye.

In the Bible times the right side of the body was the more valuable and honorable side. Your right eye is your best eye.

Then he doesn’t say, “If it’s a problem, get an eye patch or gently remove it.”

He says, “Gouge it out.” Not just that. “Gouge it out and throw it away.”

You might have been tempted to keep it in a jar. Maybe you might try to reinsert it later on. So just put it down the garbage disposal.

What is he saying?

It’s often thought that Jesus is engaging in hyperbole, that his idea is we ought to take obedience to God seriously, really, really seriously. Of course, not that seriously.

Other people have taken Jesus literally on this.

There’s an early Christian named Origen, and he wrestled with his sexuality so much with so much guilt and shame he actually had himself castrated so he would not be guilty of sexual sin anymore.

That is not what Jesus is recommending.

Jesus is actually using some quite dark humor to show that true goodness is not sin avoidance.

You might think about it this way. If the goal of God for human beings is just avoid sinful actions, we could do it through surgery.

Cut out your tongue, and you will never speak words of deception or harassment.
Cut off your hands, and you can never use them for promiscuity or violence.
Gouge out your eyes, and you will never look at pornography anymore. You’ll stop judging people by their looks. You’ll stop giving the looks.
Cut off your legs, and you will not walk into the wrong place. You won’t walk into massage parlors or adult stores or the wrong house.
Cut off your ears, and you’ll never listen to seductive words or gossip.
Cut off your sexual organs, and you’ll never misuse them.
Have your skin removed, and then you won’t misuse your nerve endings for sensuality…

And you can roll into heaven a sinless, mutilated stump.

Should we do that?

A lot of churches offer membership. We could offer dismembership. You could experience sanctification by sufficient dismembership.

In the church where I grew up we used to talk about extending the right hand of fellowship. Here we’ll have you extend it, and we’ll chop it off and throw it away.

Understand Jesus has a very important point to make. He knew what he was saying when he used this language.

God’s will for you is not just sin avoidance.

In Jesus’ day, there was a group of rabbis who decided they would avoid adultery by never looking at a woman. If I don’t ever see one, I could never lust after one.

So when a woman would come into their line of sight, they would close their eyes, no matter what they were doing or where they were going.

I am not making this up. They were literally called the “bruised and bleeding rabbis,” because they were always falling off of curbs or walking into buildings, because they’d close their eyes to never look at a woman.

The parts of your body were given to you by God, not primarily to NOT sin but to DO good.

The real problem with spiritual growth by selective dismembership is… it doesn’t work.

That’s the secret place of my spontaneous thoughts and my desires and perceptions. That’s what needs to change. That’s what God wants to change.

If I live for desire, I end up the slave of desire.

That’s why the whole minimalist ethic of consent is not enough to build a life on. Desire always narrows.

If I want illicit gratification from this woman, I have to keep a thousand thoughts out of my mind.

I have to forget she’s someone’s daughter.
I have to forget that if another man looked at one of my daughters like that I’d go ballistic.
If I want illicit gratification, I have to not think about my wife.
I have to not think about my children.
I have to not think about my church.
I have to not think about my God.

Desire will do this to you.

The will often seeks options. The will always looks for the largest perspective.

Desire wants to enslave the will… and apart from God’s help it’ll do it.

So here’s the good news: there is freedom.

When we come into the light in the area of sexuality there is freedom.

I want to say this as tenderly as I know how. Some of you have been dreading this topic because you’re carrying guilt or shame or regret.

There is freedom and grace and healing for anyone who will honestly come to God and step into the light.

Whatever is going on in your life, I want you to know there is healing, there is hope, there is help.

When you get to the end of your life, you can look back at a history of sexual struggle, hiddenness, constant temptation, guilt, and shame. You can try to go it alone.

You can limp back and forth between giving in and then guilt and then prayer and then giving in again.
You can keep the secrets in a dark place.
You can have your ability to worship God and pray constantly impeded.
You can put your relationships at risk.
You can put your family at risk.
You can put your integrity at risk.
Or you can step into the light. You can surrender your will.

If you need help on this one, you can find a trusted friend. You can meet with a skilled Christian therapist.

Join a recovery group that meets together for sexual addiction.

We’re all just one bad decision away from ruining our lives.

Some of you are married and you’re involved in behavior that is sexually unfaithful to your spouse and you’re at a fork in the road right now, today.

Your heart is beating a little faster right now because you know right now inside you’re saying, “This is me.”

For some of you, your marriage, your character, and your identity are on the line right now.

The decision that you make in this moment is going to determine your future.

So I want to ask if you will say today:

”I resolve from this day forward, as best I can, with the help of God, to live in the light in the area of sexuality.

“I will do whatever I have to do. If I’m involved in a relationship I shouldn’t be, I’m going to stop it. I will leave this service and make whatever phone call I have to make. But it’s going to stop from this day forward.

“If I’m involved in behavior that I can’t seem to stop on my own, I’ll get whatever help I need. I’ll go to a professional Christian counselor. I’ll go to a trusted Christian friend. I’ll be part of a small group or a support group, but I will not live in violation of God’s standards on this one anymore. I will not wound the one I promised to love.”

I hope some of you make the decision you need to make.

Third question:

Why should unmarried people make the effort to pursue sexual purity?

Why should unmarried people — those in our midst who are single — pay the price? Why should they make the effort to pursue sexual purity? What are the benefits? What are the payoffs of sexual purity?

One of the illusions of our day is you can’t live a fulfilled, meaningful life without being sexually active.

And all kinds of people have this idea.

While your sexuality is an essential part of your identity — you are male or female and that’s a good thing. Your sexuality is essential to your identity, but sexual activity is not.

In fact, the writers of scripture say that Jesus lived the greatest and most meaningful life in history, but he was never married. He never engaged in sexual intimacy, and yet, it was the greatest life ever.

Now, we have to get real realistic about this.

Anyone who chooses to honor God with his or her sexuality in our day faces a titanic struggle just because of the nature of our society.

You will have to resist the pressure of a single scene, where sexual activity outside of marriage is generally taken for granted.

You will have to swim against the tide of a culture — television, movies, media and so on — where sexual gratification is glamorized incessantly.

You will have to deal with a family that did not equip you perfectly for sexual issues.

Sexual purity in a sex-crazed world like ours is going to require heroic effort.

And any realistic person in our day is going to ask, “Is it worth it? What’s the payoff?” when it’s so countercultural.

So, let’s spend a few moments talking about it because I believe they are great.

First of all, if you devote yourself to sexual purity, you will see the development of self-control in your life.

Learning to manage sexual desire with honesty and strength is one of the great challenges of human existence.

I think there’s an enormous gain in esteem and character when a person is able to say, “I handled decisions about sexuality in a way that did not damage myself or others that I care about.”

You gain confidence in your ability to stick to values and to make wise decisions in all areas of your life.

There’s the development of self-control.

Second, if you do get married at some point and you’ve devoted yourself to sexual purity as best you can, you can enter that relationship with much greater freedom and less baggage.

You will experience freedom of conscience… because there are few forms of guilt more powerful than sexual guilt… and a lot of people are struggling with that.

Now I want to say a direct word to those of you that are here who are not married but are in a sexually active relationship.

Scripture is quite clear that God’s will is that sexual intimacy be reserved for those who have made the commitment of marriage.

If you’re here and you’re a follower of Jesus — and I know some of you are not. You’re just exploring faith. You haven’t put yourself under his authority yet.

But if you do claim to be a follower of Jesus, you’re going to have to come to grips with his will for this area of your life. You just are.

I want to ask you today: Are you going to defy God on this?

Are you going to say, “God, I’m too afraid of loneliness or rejection or abandonment or just the loss of pleasure. God, I know what your standard is. I know what the Bible says. I claim to be a follower of yours, but I will defy you in this area of my life. I will shake my fist in your face, God, and refuse to give you obedience in the sexual area of my life.”

I have to tell you, that is not a safe foundation to build a life on. It’s not — not for you as an individual, not for you as a couple.

One other word here.

If you’ve made mistakes in this area, if you have regrets about your past history, you need to be real clear on this.

Sexual misconduct is not the unforgivable sin. It’s not. Whatever your background is, whatever path you have been down, God’s offer of forgiveness and cleansing is wide open to you right now.

Alright, final question:

How important is a vital sexual relationship to a marriage?

How much difference does it make?

I know some of you are praying right now, “Let him say that it’s the most important thing in life. Right up there with air, food, water, maybe a little higher than water. I’ll replay it for my spouse a thousand times.”

I know some of you are saying that right now, and we call those people…?

Healthy was the word I was looking for. I wasn’t looking for “men,” but that might be more accurate.

A Christian psychologist that I was reading this last week had surveyed hundreds of couples, and he found that the answer to this question is a bit complicated.

“There are some couples that have low compatibility. There’s differences that threaten their relationship. Their relationship is really on quite rocky ground. But they rate their sexual relationship very highly.”

He writes, “One couple actually told me that they both keep their eyes tightly closed during sex because as good as the sex is, they can’t even stand the thought of being with each other, let alone making love to each other.”

So there’s no guarantee of a great marriage.

“On the other hand, there are some couples who feel like their sexual relationship is not very satisfying, but they genuinely love each other and they would not consider leaving the marriage.

“There are some cases where it varies somewhat over time. However, as a general rule, a couple’s sexual relationship is an extremely important part of their marriage.”

He writes, “I have never seen what I would call a triumphant marriage in which the sexual relationship was disappointing. I believe that if we could teach every couple in North America to improve their sexual relationship by just ten percent, we could lower the divorce rate by more than ten percent.

“Further, we could increase the marital satisfaction rate enormously.”

Why?

“Because every couple in America would suddenly have a sexual relationship that’s ten percent better, and even more important, every couple would have a sense of hope. It’s hope that brings about an acceleration of marital growth.”

This is a very powerful dynamic — when a couple sees that improvement is possible, that growth is possible through factors over which they have some control, it creates hope.

And where people hope, they can work incredibly hard.

So, here’s what I’d like to do. I’d like to lay out a four-step plan for a ten percent gain in the sexual area of your married life if you’re married here.

4 steps to a 10% gain in the sexual area of my marriage:

Here’s just four steps that I’d invite you to write down if you would and consider whether or not you’ll do this.

The first step is this:

Try

Both spouses must be willing to try.

If you can say to each other that you would like to take this challenge and you’re willing to work on it for the next six months, you’ve already got the first step down. You can say that.

This is an ironic thing to me.

We live in a culture where we’re self-improvement junkies.

We buy books and listen to podcasts and go to seminars to improve golf games, our financial lives, or assertiveness skills, physical exercise, diet and so on, but for many couples, they never give any thought to their sexual lives together, to how there could be growth or improvement or greater passion.

There’s just kind of a drift thing at work.

The writers of Scripture are quite clear, as in the Song of Solomon and other passages that those who are married are to delight and to rejoice in it.

It is to involve some thought and intentionality.

So the first step is just to say, “I’m willing to try.”

The key here is you’re not going for perfection, okay? This is a ten percent deal.

Don’t have unrealistic expectations about what’s going to happen. You’re not going for the Fourth of July every night.

Maybe just Columbus Day or Groundhog Day. I don’t know what the appropriate holiday would be.

But you just agree to say to your spouse, “I’m willing to try.” That’s the first step.

Step number two is to

2. Learn

Buy a good book on marital sex.

Many people have never read or learned about this. Again, we learn about so many things, but many people never have. So, buy a good book.

I recommend the one Kathy and I read when we first got married called “The Gift of Sex.”

Buy a good book and read it to each other out loud, at least a chapter a week or so and learn.

The third step:

3. Heal

Start the healing process if you’re wounded.

If either of you experienced sexual trauma in your childhood, then start the healing process because those of you who know about that know that that can be absolutely crippling to a physical relationship.

So if that’s part of your background, call a Christian counselor, call our church. We have a care ministry here and they’d love to help you start the healing process.

Then fourth and finally:

4. Talk

Learn to talk freely as a couple about your sexual feelings and desires.

Now, this one is very, very important.

I’ll tell you why.

Sometimes there’s real important differences, very significant differences in sexual relating patterns within a marriage.

It may be that one spouse, say the wife, requires rich, multifaceted connectedness for there to be sexual intimacy.

She needs for the two of you to be bonded, not just physically but also emotionally, for there to be an intimate, gentle, cherishing oneness of soul and spirit. It may be that one spouse needs that.

It may be that the husband requires geographical proximity. Maybe he’s a much simpler creature really, just as long as you’re in the same space time continuum that’s all he really needs. He’s all set.

All those kinds of differences are really important.

Ironically, many couples can talk openly about every other area of their lives together, but they haven’t had a candid conversation about their sexual relationship in years — regular, heartfelt, candid conversations where you speak from the core of your being and you listen with care.

It can make an enormous difference in this area.

God’s plan for you is that you have this one and only life, and that this marriage that you’re in, if you’re married, be your marriage until one of you should die.

Your life is too short and that marriage is too precious for you not to experience as much fullness as God intended for you in this relationship as you possibly can.

So try, learn, heal, and talk. You can do that.

If you will, you’ll see growth.
If you do, there will be hope.
If there’s hope, there is no telling what can happen in a relationship.

I want to close with this:

What if every one of us around here were to make a commitment? What if every one of us were to say, “I’m going to deal with my sexuality, from here to the end of my life, in a God honoring way”?

What if Blue Oaks Church became known as a place where singleness was honored, where single people, who so often don’t feel honored and valued in our world and by our society in general, felt honored and valued here, and where sexual purity became a realistic option, not just a pipe dream, but a realistic option and a deeply shared value, where it became applauded and respected?

What if those who were married committed themselves to physical intimacy, to pursuing love and romance and passion as best they can with God’s help, to maximizing their marriages?

What if children grew up with wise counsel and guidance?

We’d become an oasis of sexual sanity in a sex-crazed world, and a source of life to everyone that entered this community.