Friends: The One with the Guru’s Leaving Do

Dave is choked up by the departure of his old friend.

Rain rattled the windows of Downing Street, along with the odd pasty thrown by the mob of pensioners protesting outside. Inside, however, a carnival atmosphere reigned.

“It’s hard to tell why Steve is decamping to sunny California,” said Michael, standing beneath the hastily purchased banner reading “An Invitation to Leave the Government of Great Britain” (a sub-section of the Cabinet had lobbied for “Goodbye, and Good Riddance”, but had been overruled, in the spirit of charity). “But we’ll certainly remember how he made Downing Street a sunnier place. The T-shirts. The shorts. The beanbags.”

There was a murmur of assent from around the room. “The great thing about Steve,” Michael continued, “was that no matter how bad things got, he was always there to provide a laugh. I mean – abolishing paternity leave? The Big Society? That’s the kind of blue-sky thinking that needs blue-sky weather.”

Yet amid the forced frivolity, there was one spot of gloom. Dave had been too choked up by the departure of his friend – his guru! – to give the speech himself. Instead he stood, glumly considering his drink.

Nick looked unconvinced. “Thing is,” he said, “it’s not just Steve. You know Richard, my strategy guy, is off to America too. Do you think they’re somehow… disillusioned with how we’re running the show?”

“Nonsense,” said Dave. “Why, just yesterday, Sir Jeremy was telling me what a bang-up job I was doing, and that I might as well take the rest of the day off as a reward. No, Steve and Richard just want to spend more time with their families.”

“I’ve heard that one before,” muttered Nick.

“But seriously,” said Dave, as a Greggs Steak Bake splattered against the glass behind him. “Why would they want to pull out now? I know we’re having a few small difficulties” – Nick coughed a word that sounded suspiciously like “omnishambles” – “but that’s no reason for pessimism. Just think of the Diamond Jubilee, the Olympics –”

“Or the local elections.”

Dave subsided into gloom again. In the background, Michael was re-enacting Steve’s famously constructive discussions with Andy Coulson over election strategy, to much applause.

“You know,” said Dave, “I think it’s a sign of the Coalition’s enduring strength that we can put aside our differences to celebrate an occasion like this.”

“Not sure about that,” said Nick. “Most of my lot are just here to make sure he’s really going.”

“Still,” said Dave. “Apart from Ken, who’s stuck in Brighton explaining why our courts shouldn’t be held to the same standards as those frightful Azerbaijanis, looks like the whole gang’s here. Although I can’t see Theresa anywhere…”

“I’m sure she said she was coming,” said Nick. Then sniggered, pointedly. “She must have got the wrong date.”