Change Of Pace

Spoof Space: Invaluable advice for graduating seniorsBy Steele Coddington| June 11, 2008
May and June are significant milestones in the lives of young men and women about to graduate from high school. For high schoolers reading this . . . during these months you will face peculiar experiential land mines that will expose you to your first taste of adulthood and the tempting allure of naughty nocturnal nonsenses like staying out beyond curfew; sneaking an illegal midnight beer; driving your parents’ car after dark without permission; dating some chick your parents don’t approve of; the sexy senior prom and your first French kiss in the moonlight.

Hopefully there will be nothing beyond a sloppy old spit swapping kiss, because it’s not very nice to exceed parental guidelines regarding sex. Especially in a rented tuxedo or evening gown. Besides, if you are a guy, and I know you guys, if you exceed the limits you dirty little sex maniac, you should be ashamed of yourself. Haven’t you got any morals, control, decency or shame?

“Cool it Romeo,” my wife says with a modicum of disapproval. “You were just reminiscing about when you were a senior and all those little tramps you dated before you met me.” Hummm. “Hoisted on my own petard,” as they are fond of saying at liberal training grounds formerly known as universities. But, before I blush, back to an event I was leading up to before I got hoisted on my petard – GRADUATION! That major event, in my grandfather’s unbiased opinion, marks the end of what has to be, at that time, the most clueless, unappreciated four years of the most delightful, interesting, cushiest, irresponsible, easiest, horniest, developmental periods of insignificant opinions, selfish thoughts, substantive under achievements and freeloading on doting parents ever known in the Great Spongers Hall of Fame.

“Please dear,” my grandmother reminds grandfather, “this is no place for autobiographical reminisces about your high school years before you met me!” Well hell, since grandfather and I have both been hoisted on life’s petards so many times, we decided our combined advice for high schoolers would be of immense value, so we reduced it to 10 fundamentals:
1. Learn to write. Don’t use dangling participles unless you have to …
2. Learn to speak correctly. Me and yourself might be literate, but most dummies aren’t …
3. Don’t use no double negatives. Makes you sound like an uneducated “dumbhead” …
4. Improve your vocabulary. Makes you sound good irregardless …
5. The more education you get, the less likely you are to be called “dumb head”
6. Before you decide you are in love, ask yourself, “Do I like this person?” …
7. Dress nicely. “Clothes make the man,” applies to women too . . .
8. Spend more time loving your family and friends than you do on your car or your hair …
9. Develop a sense of humor. If you can’t find something funny, look at yourself in the mirror . . .
10. Remember The Father upstairs has a sense of humor – He loves I and you and he and her irregardless.

Note: Homework for lexicologists and grammarians: correct all grammatical errors, correct spelling, delete non-words in this article and give yourself an A+ for reading this newspaper.

God Bless America: No parent left behind

You cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real – written by parents. Spellings have been left intact:

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.

12. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.

13. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

14. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

15. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

16. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Mary Ann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Sunday, June 15:
June Jazz Film Series – Part 2: “A Great Day in Harlem.” Documentary of the making of the most famous photograph in jazz history. 1 p.m. at Phoenix Art Museum, Whiteman Hall, 1625 N. Central. Free admission, visit www.phxart.com for more info.