Top Five Things of 2017

Blogs everywhere are getting in on the annual recap craze, and you better believe I’m going to jump on this bandwagon and make the most of it.

2017 was a nutty year and there’s a ton to recap. Let’s get right to it.

Here are the Top Five Things of 2017

1. This fucking cat

Who can forget where they were in April this year when this fucking cat took the world by storm. Look at that goddamn thing, stretching and having a head and fur and shit. It’s eyes are all open and it’s crazy.

Honestly, this fucking cat.

2. The Tree that Collapsed Time

It was a crazy year, filled with political debate, seemingly endless tragedies and a magical tree in the middle of a field that collapsed time into a single point, making everything happen simultaneously.

Essentially, both my marriage and future divorce happened at the same time. Odd.

Scientists, those hoary assholes, had no explanation for all of known time coalescing into a single instance, nor why every human on earth was experiencing the sum totality of their entire lives in every single waking second.

Sales of Slaughterhouse Five skyrocketed, leading many to theorize this was all a plot by the Vonnegut dynasty. Still, none of this describes how the tree got the power to compress time. It’s just weird.

3. The Internet decides to be nice from now on.

The weirdest part of 2017 was, without a doubt, the Internet universally deciding to be nice to each other. There were hundreds of recorded incidents of women posting a different opinion about video games where they weren’t immediately called sluts or told to die. In fact, it became possible to hold a different opinion than someone without having them call you an “ass-fucking douchebag”.

As an aside, Facebook actually became usable again.

No one is positive what caused this phenomenon, but it seems that everyone, en masse, decided that when they read an article they didn’t like, they’d just… move on. Like actually get on with their lives, instead of being a total asshole. Easily the most refreshing part of the year.

4. Beyoncé finally dies, and releases the Infinity Crystals.

I don’t know which hero managed to finally kill her, but Beyoncé’s reign of terror is finally at an end. No more will we be plagued by her unholy rule.

She made the infinity crystals into a body suit and looked goddamn fabulous

We may never know what group of ragtag heroes banded together to stop this evil once and for all. Was it Robot Man, the robot with the powers of a man? Was it Pole Vault Girl, the girl with the power to pole vault over crime? Climbing Lad? The Horrible Punching Monk? Black Coffee? Speaker Jane and her shooting knives?

We’ll probably never know which group of heroes did the job, it’s just enough to be thankful they did it. RIP, Beyoncé.

5. Dave finally got that new garbage can he’s been talking about

It is such a relief that Dave is finally shutting up about that fucking garbage can he’s been going on and on about since February. Christ almighty dude, it’s a $20 piece of equipment, just pull the trigger already.

We get it. It matches now. Fine. Shut up.

Raise your hand if you didn’t get sick of Dave droning on and on about what he would do with all that extra garbage-holding capacity if only he had the proper-sized receptacle. I mean, it was non-stop with this guy. Just 24/7 garbage can this and garbage can that.

The planet breathed a sigh of relief when he finally went to the hardware store, dropped the money on the counter and went through with the the excruciatingly mundane purchase.

Just shut up already Dave. We are all sick of hearing about how you need a garbage can. Now you have one. Here’s to hoping 2018 isn’t just Dave going on an on about how much shit he’s going to put in that can.

There you have it. Easily the top five most influential events of 2017. Can you think of any I missed?