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Sunday, October 15, 2017

Children in the
back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars
cause children.

Q: How do you make a baby drink?

A: Stick it in the blender.

Q: What’s bright-eyed and bushy-tailed?

A: A squirrel on crack.

A little boy and a little girl are in the bathtub
together. The little girl looks down at the boy and asks, "Can I touch
it?"

He answers, "No way -- you already broke yours
off!"

Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck,
cluck, cluck?'"

Mother: "Because he thinks he’s a chicken."

Little girl: "Why don’t you tell him he’s not a
chicken?"

Mother: "We need the eggs."

I would give my
dad what he really wants on Father’s Day, but I can’t afford to move out yet.

You wanna hear a dirty joke?

A boy fell in a mud puddle.

You wanna hear a clean joke?

He took a bath.

My son asked me
what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I
asked him why he was ignoring me.

You know your
children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and
refuse to tell you where they're going.

If I wanted to
get trapped in a scary maze, I’d just go into my kid’s bedroom.

Q: What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

A: Do these genes make my butt look fat.

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to
the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks
at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it’s a beaver, Johnny.”

The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is
taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It’s a beaver, but I
think grandma’s is dead because it’s tongue is hanging out.”

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7, 8,
9.

When I was born,
the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I’m very
sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."

1 in 5 people in
the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of
them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger
brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

Q: What’s the difference between a trampoline and a
zombie baby?

A: I take off my shoes when I jump on a trampoline.

My first child
has gone off to college and I feel a great emptiness in my life. Specifically,
in my checking account.

I think I’ll
tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before
marriage.

What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?

A tuba toothpaste.

What did the
blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it’s
mine?"

On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the
blackboard and noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny
letters. She turned around, but couldn’t find the guilty face. She quickly
erased it and began her class.

Tuesday, she was again greeted with "penis"
on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the
culprit, and then proceeded with the day’s lesson.

Every morning for the rest of the week,
"penis" was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and
each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she’d had enough.

"That’s enough," she sputtered. "I -- I
can’t believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this
behavior!"

On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the
classroom and found on the board: "Don’t you know -- the more you rub it,
the bigger it gets?"