Saturday, May 23, 2009

Debate has raged for centuries. Wars have been fought. Civilizations have fallen. Mothers cannot sleep soundly at night in comfortable suburban neighborhoods. All because of this great question:

What color is the best?

Some say red, others yellow, and even a few wise guys will say things like turquoise, sea foam green, fuchsia, or aubergine. Well they are all wrong.

The best color is brown. Yes. That's right. It's the best. EVER. That's not even subjective. Fashionistas everywhere are calling it the next pink. Brown is earthy, not too flashing, and goes with a lot of stuff. It also is has great polar extremes. On one side it gets flushed down the toilet, and on the other it gets devoured in an ice cream cone. On another side it gets your car dirty, and on the other it can start your day. On another side you get Chris Brown, and on the other you get James Brown. Brown is great. And, I think UPS would agree whole-heartedly.

Enjoy brown:

What can brown do for you? (Stop doing commercials with some guy writing on white boards)

For shame Chris. For shame.

"Yeah! Oooow!" That's probably what he just said.

Awwww.

Capuccino or hot chocolate. Take your pick.

The best part of waking up...

Most women would not be able to function without it. And I would kill for it.

Friday, May 22, 2009

You know when you hold some 'common sense' belief and then later in your life some academic study comes out and confirms it? Well, it's about to happen to you again. Remember when you were a kid? No? Yes? Still trying to forget? Well, as a kid perhaps you, at one point in your life, went to the beach. Perhaps you didn't. Either way, my hope is that a some point you found a shell and for some inexplicable reason put it up to your ear (maybe your parents, older sibling, or a scientist told you to do it, or maybe you're just a little genius). What you were probably told, or most likely discovered, is that it sounds like there is another ocean in the shell when you hold it up to your ear. Well, recently, and the Oregon Institute of Saberhagen, scientists discovered that this long held theory is actually true. There is indeed another ocean inside seashells.

Dr. Pietrov Ivanovich, head scientist of the 'Little Shell, Little Ocean' project had this to say:

"For many years I was conned into believing that what I was hearing in the shell was the echo of my own blood pumping. I was always dissatisfied with that answer. It was just unappealing. I needed a sexier answer. I needed to believe in love again. I needed to rediscover my inner child."

And discover he did. Using state-of-the-art ultrasound equipment and a spare wormhole and stethoscope that were lying around in a storage closet, Dr. Ivanovich and his team discovered that there is another ocean inside seashells. "Some naysayers will say, 'Oh yeah, but what about the animal that lived in the shell? Wouldn't it drown?' That's just silly. It's a sea creature, of course it wouldn't drown. And, it's not much different than a person who lives by the beach having a pool. It's like having two copies of the same book in different places so you can read it wherever you go, except, unlike books, this ocean is portable," said Dr. Elaine Fischer, one of the scientists on hand.

(This is doctor Fischer enjoying her little ocean)

After Dr. Fischer's remarks I reminded her that books are portable. She looked at me like I had three eyes, which, apparently is true, but I also think that she didn't know books were portable until that moment. However, regardless of her book portability innocence, she did get a firm handshake and some loving hugs from school children and kids who never grew up everywhere. We always knew it. Thanks for proving it. Seashells do have oceans inside them.

(That's not a shell, but a chocolate bunny, which has an ocean of chocolate inside of it)

Thursday, May 21, 2009

This post is rated PG-13. So, if you're reading this and you are 13 or under, get a parent to watch this hilarious SNL short. Some may call it crude, and indeed, they it is, but that doesn't make it any less funny. Starring Andy Samberg and Jorma Taccone (with Justin Timberlake), if this doesn't make you laugh you are better than me:

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Every May 19th a select pool of typographers, etymologists, linguists, poets, English professors, scrabble players, and people like me is narrowed down to an elite committee of judges to rank the letters of the American Alphabet according to their stylishness, and award the Most Stylish Letter of the Year Award*. In recent years the Most Stylish Letter of the Year Committee (MSLYC) has only consisted of one judge, due to the lack of responsiveness and heavy scheduling burdens of others chosen to sit on the committee. 2009 was no different for the MSLYC, and I am still the only one judging the Most Stylish Letter of the Year, but that hasn't changed the quality of this year's top contestants.

Cue (Q) and Ef (F) both showed promising early leads in the 1st rounds of judging, and some pundits had projected top five finishes for the Consonants. However, during some negative campaign ads the Q camp really worked hard to paint F as the demoralizing grade of failure in the classroom, and even used phrases such as "That's Effed Up" during rallies, subtly reminding the crowd of what F has stood for in the past. Strangely enough, that phrase increased F's popularity among certain demographics, including teenagers, sailors, and anyone who has seen "The Boondock Saints." Q lost considerable support when an F campaign spokesman spun the ads as "attack ads." The comment that really left Q in a quagmire came at a phonics fundraiser when F said, "What's up with the dependency on 'you' (U)? There's nothing stylish about that [...] the neediness is just pathetic." The slurring ended with less-than-lowercase ratings for both letters.

The vowel campaigns were unsually strong this year across the board, from A, E, I, O, to U, and employing a new slogan this year: "Always Y." Why (Y) fought fiercely to avoid being labeled a "flip-flopper" by either the Vowels or Consonants. Y's campaign also made great use of it's descender, the part of the lowercase letter that extends below the "v" where the two lines meet. O has been the most successful of the vowels, as a six time Top Ten Finisher, consistently campaigning on simplicity and pure curvature. However, this year Cee (C) and Ess (S) borrowed the approach, and left O way behind in almost every poll. Not even the corporate endorsement from Google ("O puts the 'ooooo' in Google") seemed to help. Without any particularly creative ideas to gain attention, O completely floundered this year, which left E and Y as the top contenders for the Vowels.

At the very top, competing for first place, Zee (Z) and Ecks (X) put on the most entertaining of letter duels. The two former-champion Consonants have been trading titles for the last nineteen years of this competition, with twelve wins for Z and seven for X. At the last debate between the two nominees it was no surprise to see the Xylophone and Xena: Warrior Princess jokes again. X responded without missing a beat, pretending to snore, "Zzzzzz... haven't you got any new material?" Z bantered back immediately, "Zilch."

So without any further ado, it's time to announce the The Most Stylish Letter of 2009...

X!

On behalf of the MSLYC, I'd like to thank all twenty-six of our entrees this year, and invite them all to return for next year's competition. Congratulations, Ecks!

*The May 19th contest was first founded to commemorate both the beheading of Henry VIII's second wife Anne Boleyn in 1536, and John Quincy Adam's signing of the Tariff of 1828, protecting US wool manufacturers. You can learn more at the following link: the following link.

Monday, May 18, 2009

I stumbled across this site and find it more than just mildly entertaining. It is called Awkward Family Photos.com. It's really phenomenally weird and eery, but hilarious at the same time (Sounds like all the things you ever wanted and more right?) Here are some of the photos, and one of the latest from failblog.org:

The finger.

Sporting their pet rabbit and parrot. Why not?

Freakiest birthday cake picture ever taken.

Joe Dirt's family.

Just me and a tiger in some local mall.

Do not get pictures taken at Nina's: Check.

I think I'm going to start "reporting the news" with weird random photos. And, but "reporting the news" I mean making up bald-faced lies that are hysterical, yet poignant and revealing. An example might be the following picture with the caption "Owner discovers pet cat to be alien after giving it a bath":

Bob Rothbart was a simple man, like so many are in this country. But, he had a gentle heart. On March 5, 2004 he saw a little stray kitten eating grass on his lawn. His wife was wary of strays, and said she was allergic, but Bob took the little cat in. His wife Cindy had this to say on March 16, 2009:

"I don't know what he was thinking. That animal was ugly looking. When I saw it for the first time I thought it was a rabid squirrel that had a strange tumor on its face. Bob was so trusting."

Bob named him Lucky. The little kitten Lucky grew and lived like a normal cat for years. However, Bob never did take his little fur ball in to the vet. He didn't know how ironic the name 'Lucky' would turn out to be. On March 17, 2009, Bob was let in on the secret.

While washing his 1994 Dodge Caravan, Bob sprayed Lucky a little bit. When he realized Lucky enjoyed being sprayed, he took him inside for a bath. That was when he found out. But it was too late. Only seconds after the cat was soaked did Bob recognize the creature before him. His cat was an alien. Not only that, but little gremlins started popping out of its fur. Several of them immediately scampered down the main hall way in his house and promptly sucked out his wife's brains. Bob ran to get his gun and shot Lucky, but was mobbed by the gremlins while making his escape for help. His leg was severed and he received 70 stitches on his shoulder, but Bob made it out.

The neighborhood he lives in was put on quarantine for 7 months by the federal government. Bob lives in an undisclosed location under the witness protection program.

"If there was one thing I could share with people out there from this experience - don't pick up strays, and listen to your wife. I sure wish I did," said Bob.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Listening to a John Mayer song the other day there was a line that talked about "swimming in a deep sea of blankets" and it got me thinking. Who would want to swim in a deep sea of blankets?

It's right along the lines of swimming in a ball pit that is too deep when you're a little kid and not having the energy to get out. What this quite often leads to is being stepped on, kneed in the face, or never getting out. I would also equate a deep sea of blankets with being suffocated by having a Walmart bag on your head. It's just not too appealing to me.

I mean yes, I know, the lyrics of the song are supposed to make you feel smooth, sexy, comfortable, whatever, but quite honestly if you really think about it, swimming in a deep sea of blankets would be hell. I can see the initial dive being enjoyable, but then you'd be swallowed up. The blankets would wrap you up and never let go. Think about it Mr. Mayer. Do you really want that?

Self-Aggrandizing Photo

Michael Powers

About the Author

Michael Powers is a fairly cultured American with an eye for seriousness, but willing to entertain the occasional dabble into the surreal and the inane. His writing focuses on news, random stories, politics, and social issues with his own brand of cynicism, but always with a humorous or optimistic outlook.