Why?

08Mar

These past several days have been rough. Sometimes I think I can never just breathe and relax. I wonder if life will ever be one where I’m content, happy, relaxed, and joyful. I don’t know when the last time I really laughed was. Oh sure, I’ve done some giggling or chuckling but it didn’t come from deep down and just bubble up in a wonderful, joyful, happy spirit. So many things are just pressing down on me and I just try to keep trudging along and deal with ‘it’. That’s all anyone can do, right? Try to stay strong and take things as they come. I know I’m not alone feeling like this. I wonder if the majority of the people in this world actually feel like this and that elusive happy go lucky attitude is only spattered across a small few in the world.

I hate the medicine I have to take for this stupid disease. It makes me feel like crap. Why do I have to feel worse every single day than I did before? Is spending $48000 (yes forty-eight thousand dollars!) a year on one medication really worth it? Am I worth it? *sigh* Anyway, I’m hoping that once I finally get to the full dosage amount and have a few shots under my belt at that level that these side affects (are they side affects?) go away. Each time I increase the amount, the next day I feel like I was hit by a truck. My entire body hurts. Walking hurts. Sitting hurts. Lying down hurts. My eyebrows hurt! lol. The following day, the amount of ‘hurt’ in my muscles starts to fade but I seem to get the vertigo, nausea, utter exhaustion, feeling like crap day. Of course I always ‘think’ I will be fine so I head off to work. Within a few hours I feel so crappy that I have to go home. I end up lying down the entire day usually asleep or resting. Then the 3rd day I have to give myself another shot. The following day is more of what the day before was like but typically I can last the day at work. I just feel ‘not myself’ the entire time. It is so depressing and makes me unhappy. Who wants to feel like that? I feel I should just suck it up (that’s what we do in my family…suck it up and deal with it) but it is hard. So very, very hard to deal with this all the time and all by myself. Because really, we all just have to deal with this ourselves. Sure, others may be willing to help but they don’t know how you feel. They don’t know what you experience. They don’t know how this disease just totally sucks. And when it comes down to it, they can’t help.

On top of my feeling sorry for myself (or just fed-up frustration), my mom has been in the hospital. What was a short, quick outpatient surgery turned into many days in the hospital and she is still there. She’s not there for any complication of the surgerical site at all. It was the stupid catheter.! She got a UTI and just guess what it can do to elderly patients?? It can cause dementia and hallucinations. Yeah. I never knew that before! My mom wasn’t herself from this past Saturday evening up through about midday yesterday. It seems that finally the antibiotics seem to be working on the infection and she is about 80% back to her normal self. I hope and pray that today she is back 100%.

It really sucks seeing your parent lying in a hospital bed. I’m lucky that I have both parents living. I can’t ever imagine them not being here. I couldn’t ever imagine anything happening to them that they didn’t seem like themselves either. This week has been a hard lesson. I’m no longer a young adult. My parents are no longer in the prime of their lives. Any day, at any time, something could happen to them or even to me as I’m not a spring chicken. How much time do I even have on this planet? How much time for my parents or my sisters? Unfortunately now I can picture a countdown clock for all of us. That’s pretty shocking.

I am very thankful that I have sisters that are always there for my parents in any time of need. Actually they do that for anyone. They have empathy and caring built in. As for me, I feel like a fish out of water in these situations. I didn’t get the empathy gene I think. It’s not that I don’t care. That’s totally NOT it! I do care. I just don’t know how to act or respond. My response is always one of distancing myself and thinking through things logically (if I can) in a moment of crisis or a situation. My sisters are ones to throw themselves in and help. I thank them for that. I’m in awe of them because I don’t even know how to do something like that. I feel so worthless and basically I am with that stuff. I guess that is why God made us all different with different personalities and traits. My daughter, luckily, got an abundance of empathy and caring. She has always been like a mother hen when it is needed. It makes me so proud.

It’s a downer week. It’s been a downer year. This year really, truly seems like it will be a rough one for me. I will always hope that tomorrow will be a brighter day. Maybe some day I won’t be so disgusted with my situation. Maybe some day something will click inside my head to try to turn my health around. Maybe someday I will have happiness and joy the majority of the time rather than the minority.

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One response to “Why?”

I know where you’re coming from; having an ailment is never a good time 😦 With all my skin issues – that I had since birth – it was never fun having to deal with people looking , and staring, at me all the time. I found tai chi, kung-fu, natural healing, and organic vegetarianism and all my problems have finally washed away:) Great post and I look forward to sharing more with you:))