Saturday, October 1

A Cynic’s Guide to Male Readers

10 Steps to Scraping Together an Exotic and Endangered Species

1. Action is vital. If you're going to spend time on description, make sure it involves someone getting punched in the face or blowing something up. Men want to read about characters that do things in the most awesome way imaginable. So unless your hero can admire flowers in a super dangerous and cunning way...well, he should still be punched in the face for it.

2. Sexual tension, not romance, is what you want. The woman (or women) in question must be sexy, strong, and obsessed with danger. The average male doesn't want to read about a damsel in distress, just a hot gal with enough personality to cause sexual conflict. The words "I love you" should never be used at any point in the text.

3. Men are drawn to the same stereotypical hero that women are. A lean but strong outlaw, whose bad boy antics always save the day in the most unconventional and witty manner. While women want a man they can imagine themselves with, men want a man they can imagine themselves being. Or with. Either way, you're golden. 4. Short sentences. We're writing for men, so let's pander to them and say that this is due to unnecessary time wastage and not laziness or a short attention span. The previous sentence is too long to be read by men. All sentences should be under twenty words. Paragraphs also need to be brief.

5. Your protagonist must be a loner. It is fine for him to be in the oxymoronic company of other loners, but only if this serves a purpose, usually financial. That or the companionship is unwanted and only accepted begrudgingly by your protagonist.

6. The story goal should be something like "revenge" or "financial gain" or "staying alive." There is of course the egotistical option of "saving the world" or "satisfying intellectual curiosity." 7. A sidekick is a kick in your protagonist's side that he doesn't want around. The sidekick then manages to save his ass at some point, which results in a reluctant bond between the two men. Yes, men. Dudes do not have female sidekicks. They have those sexy, dangerous chicks, whom are never to be trusted because they could be pseudo quintuple agents.

8. Humour must be crude. Flatulence, jabs at other characters' physical or personality traits, and of course: boobs. If a male character is attracted to women, the woman he is interested in must have very noticeable boobs. If you have a guy who fancies women based on sentiment, cut him, and make more time for boob jokes. 9. Size matters. So does winning. If your hero loses at any point in the story, it’s revenge time and he must kick up the battle by 110%. Men like impossible percentages. They work in their favour.

10. Ares forbid, you try to write a story that attracts a male readership with a female protagonist, she must be as awesome as your outlaw and your pseudo quintuple agent combined. You must also have multiple male characters to balance this offence and boost the testosterone level. Don't forget the boobs. Studies show that bustier women are much more qualified at kicking ass.