Archive for July 29, 2019

The number of children and teens
diagnosed with anxiety and/or depression has increase from 5.4% in 2003 to 8.4%
in 2011-2012. The percentage of children who experience a clinical level of
anxiety has increased from 3.5% in 2007 to 4.1% in 2011-2012. Those may sound
like low percentages but take a moment to consider what they mean on a more practical
level. Almost one in 20 children suffer from anxiety. Just in your child’s
classroom, there is probably at least one child who suffers with anxiety. And,
two in 25 children suffer from anxiety, depression, or both. In your child’s
classroom there are children who suffer from either anxiety, depression, or
both. That’s the bad news. The good news: you can help your child overcome
anxiety. You can help them learn to manage their own anxiety with these
four tips.

Examine your
own life and response to your children’s anxiety. Do you accommodate their anxiety by “bending over
backwards” to comfort them when they voice anxiety? Do you help them avoid
those things that make them feel anxious? If so, you send an implicit message
of “I know you can’t do this on your own, so I have to help you. I have to
do it for you.” You undermine their confidence. You perpetuate and
strengthen their anxiety. Take a serious look at your response to your
children’s anxiety and root out any way in which your behaviors may support
your children’s anxiety. Then, decide to change those behaviors. You cannot
change another person, but you can change your behavior. Consider how you will
respond to your children’s anxiety in the future. You can use the tips below.

Show
empathy. When you children say they are
scared or nervous or anxious about something, empathize. Let them know you
understand how scary it is. Give voice to their anxiety. Acknowledge it and how
it makes them feel. Label the anxiety and any other feelings that may accompany
it. But, don’t stop there.

Encourage
and empower your children after you empathize.
Offer statements that support their ability and strength after you acknowledge
their anxiety. “I can see how this scares you, but I know you can handle
this.” Rather than give in to their anxiety and accommodate their fear by
making it easier, support their ability to manage it, survive, and even
accomplish. Giving your children this kind of support lets them know you
believe in them. Your children’s confidence will increase as their secure base (you)
voice confidence in their ability.

Praise your
children after they finish whatever task had aroused the anxiety. You don’t have to go overboard. Simply acknowledge their
courage to do the task even in the face of their anxiety. Let them know you are
proud of their effort. Point out their strength.

Examine yourself. Empathize. Encourage. Praise. As you do these four things in response to those things that arouse your children’s fear and anxiety, they will grow more confident. They may still feel anxiety, but they will also act courageously in the face of their anxiety. They will manage their anxiety in creative ways and accomplish the very tasks that used to make them run in fear. They will learn and grow. (For more read Preventing Anxiety & Insecurity in Your Children and A Daily Activity to Decrease Anxiety.)

Every now and again, I bring home
flowers for my wife. (Now that I think about it, maybe I should do that today.)
We put them in a vase with water and enjoy them…until they wilt. We also have
flowers in a flower garden in our back yard. Guess which flowers last longer.
You know it; the flowers in our backyard. They are planted in rich, nurturing
soil that generously provides the nutrients they need to grow and blossom time
and again.

Our marriages also need a rich,
nurturing soil to generously provide the nutrients necessary for our marriages
to grow and blossom time and again. Each spouse is part of the rich soil in
which your marriage is planted. And, from our richness we need to generously
provide at least seven nourishing qualities in extravagant abundance to our
spouse and our marriage.

Generously give your time…lots of it. I’ve quoted it before and I’ll quote it again, “Love is spelled T.I.M.E.” We give our time to those people and things that are important to us. So, make sure your “Daily Planner” reflects the priority of your spouse and your marriage. Give them the time reflective of their value. (Practice a marital sabbath to give time to your spouse.)

Generously give your caring attention and presence. Spending time with your spouse is important. However, it takes more than merely being a body in their vicinity. Lavish them with your caring attention. Let your active daily involvement in your spouse’s life, your presence in their life, speak of your concern, love, and affection.

Generously give your ears. Remember the saying, “You have two ears and one mouth so you can listen twice as much as you talk.” Give your spouse your ears in abundance. Listen deeply. Listen intently. Listen to understand. Listen. Listen. Listen. (Listening deeply in this way will prove a powerful way to improve your marriage.)

Generously give your affection. It’s been said “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth” (Virginia Satir). Don’t keep your marriage on a survival mode. Be generous. Give your marriage what it needs for growth, lots and lots of affection in words and actions every day. (For more on the power of generous hugs and affection read And a Hug to Grow On.)

Generously give simple acts of kindness and service. Kindness and service are powerful. They proclaim our love. They melt hearts and restore relationships. They nurture an environment of encouragement. They stimulate greater intimacy. Give kindness and service to your spouse with extravagant generosity. (Try these 31 Acts of Kindness to Strengthen Your Marriage.)

Generously give forgiveness. We all make mistakes. We all need forgiveness from time to time. Forgiveness is necessary for a marriage to survive and flourish. Give your spouse forgiveness as often as needed. And, if you’re asking for forgiveness bear the fruit of repentance with great abundance.

Generously give prayer for your spouse’s well-being. Notice I say pray for your spouse’s “well-being.” Don’t ask that they change to become the person you want them to become. Accept them and pray for their well-being. Pray for their happiness. Pray for them to feel loved. ….(Read Improve Your Marriage with One Simple, Daily Activity for more on the power of prayer in your marriage.)

Yes, generosity can save your marriage. Throw
caution to the wind and start lavishing these seven gifts of grace on your
spouse today. And watch your marriage blossom and grow.

Sleep is crucial for a child’s healthy development and mental health. (See Your Teen & The Importance of Sleep to learn how important sleep is for teen health.) Unfortunately, our world of constant busy-ness and digital stimuli does not lend itself well to healthy sleep routines. In fact, they make it all the more important for parents to help their children develop a healthy, effective, and independent bed-time routine. Even then, our children sometimes “lose the routine” because of bad dreams, transitions, changes in schedule…all kinds of things can impact the routine. I recently discovered three ideas to help establish an effective bed-time routine or get it back on track after it has been derailed. Maybe they will help in your family.

Have some practice sessions. We encourage our children to practice their sports, their spelling, their instruments. Why not practice their bedtime routine? These practice sessions don’t actually involve going to sleep. But they do involve going through the pre-bedtime routine. Brushing teeth, saying prayers, getting a snack, reading a book…whatever the routine you have established, go through it during the daytime. As you do, acknowledge how well your child does each step. Gush a little over their efforts and success. Make it fun and light-hearted. You want them to enjoy the routine and find it rewarding in and of itself.

Take a break. As you go through your child’s bedtime routine, lie down with them. Then let them know you need to take care of something (like use the restroom or turn off a light) and will be back in a minute. Leave the room, do something that takes a minute or so, return to your child, and lay back down with them. The next night leave for two minutes. The third night, 3 minutes. Each night leave for a minute or so longer. You get the idea. Always return just as you said but let the “break” take longer and longer. Your child will become more independent falling asleep alone.

“Excuse me” is an exercise very much like the take a break. However, in this one you note some chore (a 15-20 minute job) you have to get done. You let your child know you’re going to go take care of it and then come back in to check on them. Always keep your promise and come back to check. Even if they fall asleep (which we hope they do), check in and give them a kiss on the forehead. The next morning, acknowledge that they had fallen asleep when you returned. Let them know you kissed them on the forehead and, most important of all, let them know how proud you are of their ability to go to sleep on their own.

These ideas are not difficult. They take some time on your part as a parent. But, think of yourself as their sleep coach. Coaches always take a little time to teach their players a new skill. An added benefit of being your child’s sleep coach? You get to enjoy the time you spend with your child coaching them in the skill of sleep. (In fact, see The Top 4 Times for Parent-Child Talks for the best times to connect with your child.) Sleep tight.

All marriages experience stress—the stress of finances, raising children, getting everything done, household crises, simple arguments, the list goes on. Sometimes couples respond with a pattern in which one partner demands, nags, or criticizes while the other partner shuts down, withdraws, or avoids (commonly called the demand/withdraw pattern). Of course, this negative pattern proves detrimental to a marriage…UNLESS you have this superpower. No, it is not the ability to fly or become invisible, shoot webs from your wrists to silence your partner, or run at the speed of light to escape. No, this superpower is much simpler than any of these…and more powerful in your marriage. Researchers at the University of Georgia revealed this superpower in a study involving 468 couples. They asked the couples about the quality of their marriage, their communication, their level of financial stress, and their use of this superpower. They discovered that this superpower “can counteract or buffer the negative effects” of negative communication styles like the demand/withdraw pattern described above. And, this superpower was “the most consistent and significant predictor or marital satisfaction” for both males and females. It increases marital satisfaction and commitment. It decreases the “proneness for divorce.” Sounds like a great superpower to have in your marriage, doesn’t it? Well, it’s easy to acquire and use. It may not come naturally, but you can train yourself in the use of this superpower. What is it? The power of gratitude. That’s it. Gratitude!

“Spousal expression of gratitude was the most consistent and significant predictor of marital quality for both” male and female. It increased marital satisfaction and commitment. So, start practicing this simple superpower in your marriage today…right now. Really, go show your spouse some gratitude. I’m sure they’ve done something in the last twenty-four hours for which you can thank them. A simple “Thank you” is all it takes. Now, keep your eyes open for other opportunities to thank your spouse and thank them every chance you get. This superpower will do wonders for your marriage.

Do you remember any sayings and proverbs you learned in childhood? They may have come from Aesop’s Fables or a children’s story like Pinocchio or Proverbs in the Bible. Maybe you heard them from teachers, your parents, scout leaders, coaches, or any number of other adults. They were proverbs that encouraged certain behaviors…behaviors that promoted personal character and corporate civility. Several such sayings came to my mind the other day as I listened to the daily rhetoric of the news. I felt a twinge of sadness and realized how desperately we need the wisdom of these proverbs in our world today. With that in mind, maybe we need to start by reviving them in our families. We begin by teaching them to our children and modeling them in our lives. In case you need a reminder, here are just a few of my favorites.

“People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” Ironically, this saying seems to have two meanings. One, if you live in a glass house (are vulnerable) don’t throw stones at the guy who lives in a brick house. In other words, “don’t dish it out if you can’t take it” (which is another saying). On the other hand, we all live in glass houses, don’t we? We all have our own vulnerabilities. Before we start casting stones at another person’s faults, we need to take a good look at our own. Or, in the words of another saying, “Take the log out of your own eye before you worry about the splinter in the other guy’s eye.” We desperately need to consider all three sayings in our world today.

“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Other than hearing it from my mother, I heard it first from Thumper on Bambi. (By the way, Thumper also has a nice quote about “families that play together.” See them both in this short clip.) Wouldn’t it be nice to hear a little more of “saying nothing” today?

Another truth heard in a Disney movie came from the Blue Fairy. She told Pinocchio that “A lie keeps growing and growing until it’s as clear as the nose on your face.” You’ve heard the flip side of this proverb in the more popular “honesty is the best policy.” A little more truth and a few shorter noses on the faces of our local Pinocchio’s faces would definitely improve our lives around here.

Of course, we can’t forget “Actions speak louder than words” or “He who does a thing well does not need to boast.” Aesop’s fable of The Boasting Traveler drives this point home. Tell it to your family over dinner or watch it in ChirpyStory. It’s a great reminder to not boast.

“There are two sides to every story and the truth usually lies somewhere in the middle.” I’d always heard “there are two sides to every story” to encourage me to listen to other people’s ideas. But experience has taught me the rest of the saying, that “the truth usually lies somewhere in the middle.” Our extremist world would definitely benefit from learning to listen to both sides of a story and then seeking the whole truth.

There are many more proverbs we need to put into practice. We need to teach our children these proverbs and sayings. We need to practice them in our own lives in the presence of our children. As we do, our families will benefit from the wisdom of the ages. Perhaps our children will carry these proverbs into their adulthood and our whole society will benefit from the wisdom of the ages. Let’s start practicing them today. Maybe you have other favorites you think our families would benefit from practicing. Share them below so we can all learn from the wisdom of the ages.

Have you ever had “one of those weeks”? I have. We all have. Then, you come home and everything your children do and say becomes a source of irritation. Later, you tell your friend (or maybe you even say it to your children), “They were really pushing my buttons.” And there it is, a phrase that gives your parental authority away. “You’re pushing my buttons” gives all your parental power to the person pushing your buttons…your children. It disempowers us and leaves us at the mercy of the “button-pusher.”

A similar phrase with similar
results is, “You’re driving me crazy.” Just like “They’re pushing my
buttons,” this phrase is often followed by the great “giving in.” “You’re driving me crazy; just do what
you want.” “You’re driving me crazy; go ahead and….” After all,
no one likes the “drive to crazy.” We all
want to get off the road as soon as possible, hopefully in what’s left of our “little
oasis of sanity.” Unfortunately, we give
away power every time we get to the place of “You’re driving me crazy”
and blindly drive right by our desired “oasis of sanity.”

“You’re pushing my
buttons” and “you’re driving me crazy” both give away parental
authority and place it squarely in the hands of our children. When we make these
statements, we have neglected our own power to manage our “buttons”
and our “drive.” We have given our power to our children. And, our
children know how to use it. Once they know how to “push our buttons”
and “drive us crazy” to get what they want, they will do it over and
over again.

Instead of letting the little
munchkins “push your buttons” and “drive you crazy,” step
back and take a breath. Soothe your own emotions. Realize that your children
are not in control of your emotions, you are. Take control of your emotions.
Take a break and collect your emotions and get back on the road to sanity…take
charge of your buttons.

After you take control of yourself
and our emotions, get curious. Begin to wonder, “what is actually going on”?
Give an objective description of the situation and what led up to it. Make sure
you have an objective description of what your children are doing, what they
are asking for, and how they are asking. And, get curious about why your
children are approaching you in this manner. Have you taught them this type of
interaction? Have you been feeling tired and so been a little distant lately?
Are they tired? Are they going through a phase of demandingness? Get curious
and get some answers.

Finally, seek a solution. Stay calm. Set a limit. Give a choice. Make a deal. Any number of options may prove a great solution to the particular situation in which you find yourself. Get curious, be creative, and seek a solution. As you take control of yourself, get curious, and seek a solution you’ll find your children “push your buttons” less often. They won’t be “driving you crazy” so much. You will have a greater parental authority allowing you to lovingly respond to crises, demands, and requests that arise.

I’ve often heard it said that “parents have to pick their battles.” It’s true. No use battling about eating jello when your child has already eaten their broccoli (Oops…Parenting Surprises & Lesson’s Learned). However, the biggest battle a parent faces does not involve their children. The biggest battle a parent faces involves only themselves…and it is fought on three fronts.

The first front in this battle involves the memories we have of our own childhood. We remember the emotional hurts we experienced in our childhood and teen years. We project our own teen angst and misbehaviors onto our children and work to save them from the pains we remember. We also remember our own teen behavior…or should I say misbehavior, those risky or disobedient or down-right stupid behaviors we engaged in. Once again, we project them onto our teens and fear they will engage in the same behaviors and experience the same painful consequences we did…or worse!

The second front in the battle against ourselves as parents involves second guessing decisions we made when our teens were children. We look back and fear we didn’t do enough of something…or too much of something else…or the wrong thing completely. In reality, we likely did the best we could with the information and knowledge we had at the time. And, our children were (and are) resilient enough to overcome a few of our mistakes. In fact, connecting and loving our children will cover a multitude of mistakes (see part three of this experiment in An Amazing Parenting Insight Learned in Three Parts).

The third front in the battle of parenting is the “great what if.” We begin asking ourselves, “What if my child keeps going down this path?” “What if they don’t do all their homework?” “What if they don’t make the basketball team…or don’t make the school play…or miss the school dance…or…?” The list goes on. Unfortunately, we too often answer the “what if” with the most catastrophic scenarios imaginable.

Each of these battles push us toward
fear-based parenting. They push us to set stricter rules so our children won’t “make
the same mistakes we did.” Fear-based parenting can even lead to a parent invading
their teen’s treasured privacy because “I know what I did as a kid. I know
all the tricks. They’re hiding something in that room (or on that phone).”
Eventually, fear-based parenting turns dictatorial. Fear-based parents focus on
performance and achievement.

Guess what results from fear-based
parenting. You got it. Our children become defensive and even rebellious. Teens
end up engaging in the very behaviors we tried to prevent through our
fear-based frenzy of control, rigid rules, and invasion of privacy.
What’s the answer? How can you avoid this? Begin
by winning the battle against yourself as a parent—your fear of repeating your
past, your fear of making a mistake, and your fear of the “what if.”
Move from a fear-based parenting style to a parenting style guided by love and
recognition of your children’s developmental needs. Also, remember that your
children grew up in a different environment than you did. They had different parents
than you. They have different information than you. They might make different
choices than you. And when they make mistakes, you’ll deal with those mistakes
together. You will take the opportunity provided by mistakes and misbehaviors
to love them in spite of their mistakes and to help them learn from those
mistakes. Rather than let fears (the fears of “what was done” in the
past and the fear of “what if” this happens in the future) determine
your parenting response, let love and knowledge determine your parenting response.
Let your knowledge of your teen as a unique individual, with unique
developmental needs, and a recipient of your unique love guide your parenting
decisions.

I’m always on the lookout for ways
to improve communication skills in marriage. Communication skills involve the
sharing of ideas. They include the ability to verbalize ideas effectively and to
listen more attentively. Learning both these skills will help any relationship,
including our marriages, grow stronger. So, when I came across this little
communication gem, I had to share it with you. It is a simple, powerful tool to
help both the speaker and the listener communicate more effectively. I call it
“a breath of fresh ears” (yes, “ears” not “air”).

Many times, communication breaks
down because we respond too quickly. We impatiently finish the other person’s sentence,
interrupting them in mid-sentence or talking over them before they have finished
talking. On the other hand, you’ve probably had times when your spouse left you
little to no room to even respond. They go on and on as though in a filibuster
for the floor. Conversation becomes almost like a competition to “get a
word in edgewise.” In this process, ideas are lost and misunderstandings
arise. You and your spouse begin to feel “talked over,” ignored, or
unheard. Emotions flare. But, “a breath of fresh ears” can change all
this.

What is “a breath of fresh
ears”? Before you respond to your spouse, take a breath. That’s it. Pause
long enough to take a breath. When you do, several things might happen. First,
you’ll realize how difficult it is to slow down long enough to take a breath
before responding. We live in a frenzied world that has grown uncomfortable
with a slower pace that allows for miniscule moments of silence. So, we jump in
with what we believe our spouse is saying or respond to get our idea “on the
floor.” We are saturated with the self-absorbed mindset of our world and so
interrupt our spouse to make sure our “oh-so-important-point” is
heard. Taking a “breath of fresh ears” means slowing down. Take a breath. Then
speak…which brings me to the second thing you might learn.

Second, you’ll experience times
when your spouse starts talking again. You thought they were done but, in the
momentary pause of your breath, they decided to tell you more. Humble yourself
by putting your agenda aside for a moment and listen some more. As a reward,
you will learn more about your spouse. You will find they had more to say and
in that moment of silence created by your small breath, were able to formulate
a greater understanding of what they really wanted to communicate. Their
communication may even become more clear.

Third, you’ll find that the
“breath of fresh ears” really does give you fresh ears. In that
momentary pause you will find the time to reflect and reconsider your response.
You will answer more in tune with your partner. You will answer with greater
compassion and wisdom. You will answer in a way that “gives grace to the moment.”
And all of that will strengthen rather than hinder your relationship.

Three benefits from “a breath
of fresh ears…” oh, and a fourth benefit. “A breath of fresh
ears” will create a more relaxed and enjoyable conversation with your
spouse. The conversational competition will end as interruptions decrease and
everyone is allowed to finish their own thoughts. You and your souse will
relax. And, perhaps most important, you will learn more about yourself and your
partner. Try it out. Give your conversation “a breath of fresh ears”
and enjoy the growing intimacy you will experience.

Our children and teens are under a lot of pressure when it comes to body image. They see the “perfect bodies” in pop culture through photoshopped magazine images, bodies of celebrities sculpted by personal trainers and time, and deceptive beauty created by make-up and camera angles on social media. Physical appearance and body image have become a hotbed of insecurity for our teens and young adults. But the University of Missouri has outlined a simple routine that can improve your teen’s body image. You can engage in this routine right in your own home and as a family. To uncover this routine and its benefits, the researchers from University of Michigan analyzed data from 12,000 students from more than 300 schools that stretched across all 50 states and Washington DC. Your children can benefit from this activity if they engage in it without you, but they will gain even greater benefit if you engage in it with them. It only requires a short amount of time and you probably already do it anyway. All you have to do is start engaging in this activity with your child and it can help improve their body image. What is this activity, this routine? Eating breakfast. That’s right. As simple as that. Research suggests that the more frequently a child ate breakfast during the week, the more positive their body image. And, the results were even greater if they ate breakfast with a parent. Eating with a parent allowed the parent to model a positive relationship with food, build stronger a parent-child relationship, and encourage a healthy start to the day. A.A. Gill, a British writer and critic known for food and travel writing, is credited with saying, “Breakfast is everything. The beginning, the first thing. It is the mouthful that is the commitment to a new day, a continuing life.” Breakfast not only serves as a commitment to the beginning of a new day; it serves as the beginning of a positive body image as well. So, buy a box of cereal, toast up some bagels, make some pancakes or fry some eggs. Whatever you choose, enjoy some breakfast with your children.