In a slightly well-intentioned but wholly counter-productive effort to stop blocking the sidewalk and let a group of walkers pass, local father of two Dale Thomas (DT) Finwenster backed away from his clustered family (amongst whom he had been standing with his back facing traffic), moving quickly into a group of strangers. Responding to his approach, the group (who like him had been waiting to gain entry into a popular local restaurant) tried to back away in turn only to find its path blocked by a row of parked cars.

“Oh god sorry,” Mr Finwenster said from quite near the center of their midst, his arms pulled in tightly to his chest, his chins descending protectively, and his back buckling into a pronounced hump as the people who had been originally trying to walk past pushing their bicycles stood patiently waiting for him to get his swollen head out of his blown-out ass. (Like a group of bait-fish fleeing a submarine predator, the group of strangers had shifted in order to keep from being touched or grazed by DT, resulting in the sidewalk being even more obstructed than before.) Failing to end the awkwardness by using the simple option of walking forward three steps and melding back into the close comfort of his familiar unit, DT instead started shouting at the cyclists and gesturing at them vehemently with his arms, urging them in a loud voice to “Just go already!” as the strangers around him ducked and shied in dread away from his flailing elbows.

Only upon the hissed, vehement insistence of both of his daughters did Dale Thomas look at the reality of the situation and take the few steps required to unfuck the situation and let everyone get on their merry way. Throughout the whole ride home after breakfast and for the rest of the day, DT insisted (unprompted and in an infuriatingly self-assured manner) that his actions in front of the restaurant had been appropriate, measured, and reasonable.

Whilst waging war bodily against the false but deeply entrenched Baltimorean idea that pedestrians do not enjoy the right-of-way while crossing a road using a crosswalk, I have had this standard response hurled frequently my way:

“Get the fuck out of the road, dumbass.”

Regardless of his apparent social or economic class, these tend to be the first words from a driver’s lips when forced (by nothing but my raised hand) to abide by the laws of the state of Maryland and bring his gasoline-powered steel battering-ram to a halt using slight pressure applied to a hinged pedal by one of his feet so as to avoid running headlong into a foot-mobile fellow citizen who is seeking to gain lawfully the other side of a roadway. To protect myself in the event of someone violently violating my pedestrian rights in a premeditated fashion, I have taken to using my cellphone to capture video of oncoming vehicles while negotiating a crosswalk, which seems to have the desired effect of forcing drivers to stop. Otherwise, few people operating automobiles appear to find anything wrong with driving in such a manner as to barely miss hitting me as they race toward the next group of cars stopped at the next red light.

Among the worst offenders are Baltimore city police officers, who as a whole don’t seem to mind breaking state law §21-502, which is but one among many of the laws they swore a sacred oath to uphold.

Among the duties of citizens working for police departments is to set the example for how their neighbors ought to behave. With this in mind, here are some modified rules for operating a motor vehicle in the city of Baltimore, Maryland. (The author has personally witnessed Baltimore police officers break these laws operate according to these modified rules.)

Ignore crosswalks. It doesn’t matter if children are trying to cross the road or there’s traffic stopped at a red light ahead - if you’re in a car, you have the power to crush any living human being. Use that power to intimidate pedestrians into leaping backward out of your way. Both Maryland and Baltimore laws require drivers to yield to pedestrians who are trying to walk across a road in marked or unmarked crosswalks. Fuck those laws.

Ignore road markings. If you’re in a car, feel free to use any lane, including bicycle-only lanes. Also, feel free to cross double yellow lines and veer into oncoming traffic to avoid slowing down - even for a fraction of a second.

Ignore stop signs. As long as you’re marginally confident that no one else is coming and you’re the only person driving that day, don’t come to a full stop at a stop sign. Coasting through a stop sign is as good as fully stopping. The cops do it - why shouldn’t you?!

Don’t use turn signals. If other people can’t read your mind or accurately guess what you’re about to do before you do it, they shouldn’t be out on the road. Also, don’t put on your hazard lights when double-parked - cause a traffic jam by just sitting there.

Park wherever you like. If this means blocking a marked crosswalk or the entrance to a shopping plaza so you can go and get a soda on a hot day, do it. Pedestrians have legs and can walk around your illegally parked vehicle, and other drivers can hurry up and wait while you do your business.

Fit in by following these modified rules. Drive it like you stole it, and don’t slow down for nothing.

(This is a work of satire. Please educate yourself about your state’s laws regarding the rights of pedestrians in a crosswalk. Follow those and other pertinent traffic laws. The author is a defender of the rights of pedestrians; he regularly puts his healthy and safety on the line assisting others to cross roads safely.)