Jack Handley
2135 California St., #3
San Francisco, CA 94115
415 567-8589
Alien Tabloids Invade City Newspapers
By Jack Handley
Everybody reads the front page of the tabloids--"Elvis likeness
discovered in Maya Temple" -- but I didn't actually believe that
people bought them and read the insides. When I'm in the supermarket
I see women closing up tabloids and stuffing them back in the rack,
but never buying one.
So, when I discovered a copy of the Inquisitor in the bottom of a
grocery bag when I helped my wife Felicity put away the groceries,
I thought it was a stray, like the package of snail shells, or the
Howdy Doody Bubble Gum. "Whooey," I said, pulling it out. "Dolphin
researcher gives birth to mermaid baby! Did they charge you for this?"
I asked.
Felicity quickly stuck her head back in the refrigerator. "I sometimes
get one. It's trash fun."
Unwisely, I scoffed. "Trash fun? You go warp over "Entertainment Tonight"
and "Unsolved Mysteries." Or is it just printed trash that's fun?"
"Lighten up, Jack," she said. "So it's not The Bulletin of Atomic
Scientists. Besides, look at your respectable morning paper."
She slid my coffee cup off the Chronicle I had been reading and turned
to page 3. "Why Female Snakes Are Promiscuous" she read, thrusting the
paper at me.
"That's funny," I said. "Exactly," she said. "The prosecution rests,"
I said. "The defense doesn't," she said, from inside the refrigerator.
Several weeks later another tabloid showed up. "Seven Year-Old Girl Has
9-inch Tongue," I snickered. But, willing to tolerate my wife's quirky
reading habits, I held my own tongue and said nothing more while we
stowed the groceries. In the living room sometime later Felicity
appeared with a manila folder and began to read newspaper clippings to,
or at, me.
Vacuum Sucks Prairie Dogs Out of Ground
Airline's lavatory drops load on house
"Fantastic!" I said. "If you limit your material to the absurd it's
bound to be funny. See my point?"
"I believe so. Do you see mine? Listen to this:"
Lenin Called as Fit As the Day He Died
She looked at me coolly. "These are heads from the city dailies, the
Chronicle and the Examiner, not from the supermarket tabloids."
"Let me see those," I said. Sure enough, they were clippings from the
daily papers, but they looked uncannily tabloidy:
Grandmother gives birth to her daughter's twins
Pelican Getting Artificial Beak
"How long have you been collecting these?" I asked.
"Less than two months. Look, they can be grouped by themes, just like
the tabbies."
"Tabbies?"
"Yes. Look, the tabloids aren't newspapers, they are old-story papers.
They report on themes, like country and western music or popular fiction.
They sift out stuff that fits to themes. Therefore, there's more fun to
the column inch in the tabloids, but the dailies run the same kinds of
things. Look at these--the Mad Scientist theme:"
Australian Scientists Trying to Breed Moth-Proof Sheep
Computers Say Red Sea Could Have Parted
She was absolutely right. I read some more:
Dead Sperm Used to Create Live Offspring
Snakes in Oxygen Masks Kill Theory
Felicity took back the folder. "There are other themes -- Mysteries and
Monsters, Odd and Grotesque, Sentimental and Sensational. Listen."
Electricity Turning Water Blue
Shipwrecked Chinese Found Wandering in Australian Desert
Youth springs from fruit fly gene
I supposed those were from the Mysteries and Monsters category?
"Yes, they are. What would you like next?"
I said, Odd and Grotesque, and she read:
U2 Souvenir Condoms a Hot Item at Shows
Birth of Kosher Steel Industry
Grave Robber Hotline
Ok, I said, I'm up-ended, put down, out maneuvered, triumphed over,
and contrite. I'll never ridicule the tabloids again. In your presence.
So what's the last category?
"Theme," she said, "theme. The headlines follow themes, nothing so
strict as categories. Sentimental and Sensational. Here:"
Man Who Ate Dog Convicted of Cruelty
Oh lordy, I said, and that's from the Chronicle?
Felicity giggled.
Sensational, yes. But what about Sentimental?
She read: Feral Chickens Roaming In Sonoma Country Town
Men and women not only talk differently, they read differently, I think.
END
Sources for heads in "Alien Tabloids..."
Why Female Snakes Are Promiscuous SF Chronicle , Jan 30, 1992
Vacuum Sucks Prairie Dogs Out of Ground SF Chron, Jan 24, 1992
Airline's lavatory drops load on house SF Examiner, Mar 8, 1992
Lenin Called as Fit As the Day He Died SF Chron, Dec 17, 1991
Grandmother gives birth to her daughter's twins
SF Ex, Oct 13, 1991
Pelican Getting Artificial Beak SF Chron, Jan 2, 1992
Australian Scientists Trying to Breed Moth-Proof Sheep
SF Chron, Dec 16, 1991
Computers Say Red Sea Could Have Parted SF Chron, Mar 14, 1992
Dead Sperm Used to Create Live Offspring SF Chron, Jan 1, 1992
Snakes in Oxygen Masks Kill Theory
SF Chron, Sunday Punch, Aug 12, 1990
Electricity Turning Water Blue SF Chron, Aug 22, 1991
Shipwrecked Chinese Found Wandering in Australian Desert
SF Chron, Jan 17, 1991
Youth springs from fruit fly gene SF Ex, Feb 9, 1992
U2 Souvenir Condoms a Hot Item at Shows SF Chron, Mar 14, 1992
Birth of Kosher Steel Industry SF Chron, Feb 14, 1992
Grave Robber Hotline SF Chron, Dec 27, 1991
Man Who Ate Dog Convicted of Cruelty SF Chron, Dec 24, 1991
Feral Chickens Roaming In Sonoma Country Town
SF Chron, Dec 26, 1991