Someone who moves in an irregular fashion some distance behind those in front.

Monthly Archives: April 2015

The family are home now, recovered from jet lag, and settling back to their respective daily grinds of work, college, school and seemingly endless football commitments, the euphoria of holidays are gradually slipping away as they learn to live with England and it’s idiosyncratic ways and weather once more. Lovely as it is to have them back at the same time it was a nice break for me just to do as I pleased when I pleased for a month.

I took this photograph of my son Barney in Dieppe last year while we were waiting for the ferry back to England at the end of the summer holidays, my friend Lennie when he saw it commented that it was a bit ‘bonkers’. Lennie has a new website so if you are interested in photography check it out, he’s a wonderful, generous, humorous, talented man. http://www.leonardneumann.com

My friend Martin ( pictured here in Edinburgh) has sent me some more of his hand on heart worldly observations and suggestions from his self exile hideout in the Spanish city of Vigo. Here are some edited highlights.

Now that there are more and more words in the world to describe electrical/electronic devices it is anticipated that the alphabet will need to be extended by one more letter at least to suit the demand. I suggest double-v, a letter made from two adjacent u’s touching. Treble-u is also a contender consisting of three adjacent v’s touching.

I love my life. At work I press keys on a keyboard all day and when I come home I stare at my smartphone all evening. Although I have to admit that sleeping is just one long bore.

I recently downloaded the walkapp onto my smart phone to control coloured LEDs on the end of my shoes. Now I always know the order in which to move each foot when I occasionally get off my lazy arse and go for a walk. I think I might get a pair of those google spectacles then I won’t have to divert my attention from the smart screen in order to see my guiding shoe lightshow.

Went to Primark the other day to buy some of those modern sporty invisible socks. I couldn´t find the darn things for the life of me.

I was shocked to discover that a pork pie hat from Christy´s of London retails at almost £60. On the other hand a large pork pie from Asda is only about £6 and inedible. Coated with blackboard paint and pressed firmly to the crown it makes an ideal alternative for any brit pop festivals that you might be attending this summer. Also it wont matter so much when some cunt steals it. Keep your eyes skinned for some old balding bloke with some aged Leica cameras, he’s only there to get a laugh at your expense.

The Czech Republic. Increase your countries profile and possibility of trade by making your country name easier to spell. I would suggest Check Republic, women are far more likely to write it on a form. How about adopting the finishing flag of formula 1 as your national colours thus obtaining free patriotic publicity whenever there is a race meeting. Your national song could begin with a choral rendition of nee…..arm, nee……arm, nee…..arm in order to farther capitalise on the global television coverage on race days.

I would’nt say that the Union Jack was a great design for a flag but when you look at the rest of the offerings from around the world it’s hardly suprising we were the ones with the empire.

Explorers. Now that you have conquered Everest, the polar ice caps the oceanic abyss and outer space have you thought about trying to penetrate the unfathomable space of Spanish people’s homes. Don’t forget to include the uniform of a cleaner amongst your kit and tackle. (it´s an honour to be invited to Spanish peoples homes, yes your grace). It’s an honour to have people I love eating in my home.

Too many cooks spoil the broth and yet many hands make light work. Clearly proverb writers are just a bunch of hipocrites.

Easy come, easy go. Absolutely, in this world of cheap thrills and diminishing loyalty this proverb is particularly profound.

They say that you shouldn´t give children a damn good twack, well how else are we supposed to get a new born infant breathing, taser it ? Get real. Decision time, if you leave the fucker breathless it wont start to whine.

Dear Frankie Boyle, I get off on your humour but I thought you had gone off the air. However it made complete sense when a friend informed me that the twat with a rare (almost extinct) red squirrel gripping his chin was actually you. I hope that your species will continue to flourish.

Yesterday I caught a snippet of the TV show the ” The Last Leg” which has maintained an incredible popularity since the London Paralympics by raising and also making light of issues around disability. One of the features of the programme is a section ‘Is it alright’ that plays with and also challenges the basis of political correctness by either invoking a wince or a snigger. Comedians well know there is a fine line between humour and bad taste and I would like to think this photograph sits slightly to the former but it’s a close run thing . Last night’s show also featured that dick head Piers Morgan which is definitely not alright.

Brighton seafront was rocking this afternoon in the spring sunshine, a taste of the summer to come. I was out and about looking for additions to my ‘ark’ collection but came away empty handed, somedays you win and somedays you lose, but one thing I’ve learnt over the years is you don’t make photographs sitting on your backside staring at a screen. The ‘hen’ and ‘stag’ season has started which for me always has potential for a bit of social observation. This one was taken last year on Brighton Pier and is a fine example of my rather bad and black sense of humour, I just can’t help myself … it’s the way I see the world.

Up early tomorrow as I’m picking the family up from Heathrow. Goodnight all, whoever you are, and thanks for reading my inane ramblings. xx

My month of being ‘home alone’ comes to an end on Sunday when the family will return from Oz, it’s now time for a few days of domestic resurrection and a visit to the hateful supermarket to restock the depleted fridge and freezer, hence giving the impression that I have behaved in a responsible adult fashion in their absence,…which of course I have. Looking after Stella, our dog, has been fun but more time consuming than I had appreciated, as much so as looking after small children. How single parents cope with pets and the little people day in day out beats me, so hats off to them.

No doubt there are some of us who can remember the TV series ‘Till death us do part’. Alf Garnett was a wonderful send up of the traditional values of working class England and it’s love/ hate relationship with perceived wishy washy leftist libertarianism. The difference from then is the new present day Alfs are now called Jeremy and Nigel and have their roots in a privileged and wealthy elite, apart from that little has altered since the seventies. Here’s some dialogue from one of the episodes

Else Garnett: I thought we was in Europe. I mean, I thought we always have been.

Alf Garnett: I know that, yer silly moo. I’m not talking about that aspect am I? I’m talking about the Common Market aspect of the going into Europe.

Alf Garnett: Old Enoch’s against it, in’t ‘e, eh? He don’t want no more bloody foreigners over here. We got enough bloody foreigners here as it is. Bloody country’s swarming with Eities and Krauts and Froggies and Spagnollies and Brussel Sprouts. All coming over here and taking our jobs off of us, aren’t they?

Else Garnett: Well, we can go over there and take the jobs off of them.

I followed this little group for a while till I found the right spot to snap them. I was drawn to the fact that the lady on the left was wrapped up in a Union Jack, apart from having possible political connotations, (especially with the Houses of Parliament in the background) it stood out rather from the lady in more traditional attire on the right. Quite a busy photograph in all, I liked the way the Union Jack lady’s mouth mirrors that of the stylised dolphin on the lamp, possibly one to be included in my ‘ Ark’ series.

Oh well as it’s Good Friday I thought this would be an appropriate addition to the blog. For me It’s the old lady peeking out round the corner that makes the photo. Made in Poland 25 years ago. The title is nicked from James Joyce. Happy Easter everyone