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Friday, October 22, 2010

How to write your first blog =’s LAME

But, like many of the mass public out there ‘blogging’, I don’t really have MUCH to talk about. I mean I have things to SAY but not for an opener right? You want to start off with a pop! A BANG!

LIKE NUMEROUS CAPITALIZED LETTERS TELLING YOU TO DO OR READ OR TAKE OR SAY SOMETHING TO SOMEONE OR SOMETHING SOMEWHERE!

Yeah, I still have nothing.

So I went online – I looked at blogs. I looked at blogs on blogging. I looked at blogs titled “How to write your first blog post” with 'tips' and let me just spoil it right here for you – they were all rather lame.

·Who you are

·Why you are blogging.

·What will you be blogging about

·How I can leave feedback.

·Ask a Question

·Share an Anecdote or Quote

·Invoke the Mind’s Eye

·Use an Analogy, Metaphor or Simile

·Cite a Shocking Statistic

·Keep it Short

·Create a Memorable Headline

·Make a List

·Bonus Tip: One of the most important parts of your blog post is the closing. A great way to close is to tie back into your opening.

These are some of the tips and starter kits topics for blogging. But I think I'd like to address them individually to asses how or why we should use them in a first post.

Who are you?

Who cares! You obviously didn’t come here to learn more about me. You came here for entertainment. Maybe if I was a dancing monkey wearing a sombrero and scratching my nuts you’d be here to see me, you’d want to know ‘hey- why’s that monkey scratching his nuts?’ (Because wearing a sombrero is an obvious and logical hat solution for all primates) But no, you’re here for fun. Not to be educated.

Why are you blogging?

To blog. It’s a retarded question that I refuse to answer: MOVE ON!

What will you be blogging about?

“Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, Everything that's wonderful is what I feel when

we're together”. But today I’m blogging about blogging. Welcome to the meta bullshit that you have found on the interwebs. Did you want a cookie?

How can I leave feedback?

YOU CAN’T HAVE THE COOKIE! Not unless you comment. And even then man, I’m not made of cookies. I’m made of goo and gelatinous fuzzy worms. Should you like to leave a message for the fuzzy worms you may do so below or after the beep. HOWEVER if you do NOT know how to comment on blogs you’re probably not going to in the first place.

So no cookie for you.

Ask a Question

Why don’t YOU ask a question?

Share an Anecdote or Quote

I’ve already covered this one and I find it redundant to quote when asked to quote. Years of essays demanding quotes to prove myself right has jaded me to this request. I’ll not quote damn you! Not today…

However, Anecdotes I have in SAPDES! Like the one about my melty faced evil singing clown of doom. That’s an awesome one. It’d be great to start a blog with the melty faced evil singing clown of doom. Man I’d totally love to read that one.

Why make people imagine things. If I’ve learned anything about people who go online and do random shit (like reading blogs) it’s that they don’t want to imagine things. They like the instant gratification of kitty pictures, cake disasters, hand drawn messes of hyperbolic anecdotes and photoshoped speech bubbles that defy explanation or logic. Because me telling you there’s a cute kitty that wants to has cheeseburger is nowhere NEAR as fun as seeing it. Nor as fun as seeing a cheeseburger that wants to haz kitty. THAT’S adorable.

Use an Analogy, Metaphor or Simile

What is this GRADE Six?!? Why the HELL is this advice for a blog?? If you don’t use analogy, metaphors or similes in your everyday speech and dialogue you’re like a retarded pink donkey that wants to be a tap dancing hoola hoopin’ ninja: We’ll stare but we won’t care or respect you.

Cite a Shocking Statistic

95% of this is Bullshit.

98% of people will never read this.

1% will read it and understand completely meaning you should calmly take them to your local Psych ward and ask if you’ll get a cash reimbursement for your crazy.

1% will go looking for a retarded pink donkey that wants to tap dance and hoola hoop while testing out his ninja skills. (I see a blog project in the future... I wonder how many people could draw this...)

Keep it Short

You keep it short. Tiny.

Create a Memorable Headline

Bad headline:"Make Good Bread."
Good headline:"5 Tips for Making the Perfect Loaf of Bread."

Bad headline: How to make your first blog post (the title of ALL these blogs)

6.Realize you’re no better and would like to go have a tete-a-tete with Ben AND Jerry.

Bonus Tip: One of the most important parts of your blog post is the closing. A great way to close is to tie back into your opening.

Bonus tip... like a free blog on how to blog has any ‘bonus’ to add. It’s not like I paid for in the information! In fact I’m pretty sure no one ever has (save for the lovely “How to blog for Dummies book that I is available at your local clicks and mortor online book store)

So I countered this Bonus tip with a bonus tip of my own: Don't write a 'how to write your first blog' blog. It always ends in tears and no cookies.

4 comments:

I am in love with you. I read this blog with half a fake eyelash dangling into my eyeball and piercing my poor iris and i did not stop reading (though I did start tearing up and had to use one eyeball. Luckily my right eyeball is totally self-sufficient through years of winking at hot guys. Did you know as a kid I thought they were actually called eyebobs? True story).