Smiling not crying…

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I’ve spent weeks, if not months falling apart, slowly at first until I reached a crashing crescendo.

I went months thinking I was happy, barely crying, plodding along with life. Then everything got crazy, all at once it all became unbearable.

Its like one minute you’re juggling and the balls are paper and the next they’re boulders. You don’t know when it changed, because mere seconds ago that ball was paper and you handled it with ease and then suddenly it’s a boulder and you’ve lost your grip and now the others are going to fall and they’re going to destroy everything else and crush you.

I’m trying to work out what I want, what I need. I’m not sure I’ll ever know, but one thing is for certain. I’m tired of being alone, I’m tired of being used. I want, no, I NEED someone to help me. I need someone that can help ease that burden, someone that will put me first once in a while. I need someone that cares about me and sees through my shit and my lies when I’m struggling and saying I’m fine. Someone that can tell me to stop and take care of myself before it all falls.

I’ll never have that, I know I won’t. I’m not lucky, I’m not blessed. I have myself and that’s all, and to be honest I would leave me too if I could.

So now everything’s gone to shit and the rest of the year will be more of me losing control. I need to rebuild now, but I have to fall further yet.

I have an overwhelming urge to tear everything down, beyond the foundations and rebuild. But this time I would take meticulous care of each brick, because those bricks represent such important parts of my life, not just my life, but myself. Those bricks represent my family, my friendships, they represent my physical health and my mental health. They represent my head, my heart and my soul. They represent my nature, my morals, and my values.

I need to rebuild and find those things that are important, I need to cherish them.
I need to not let them get over taken by all the junk that I’ve accumulated in my life, all that crap I should’ve thrown away.

I need to keep my foundation strong and my focus on my core, the things that are important. I need to learn to let go of things, I need to learn whats worth fighting for and what isn’t.
I need to learn when to support and encourage others, and when to tell them they’re wrong, but I need to stop fighting others battles for them.

I need to tear it down and start again. Then maybe I’ll be worthy of someone’s support and if not maybe I’ll be strong enough on my own?

Sure I still suffer anxiety at times, still get those days where I feel ill or down. But on the whole I seemed better. But I think it’s all been an act.

Now I feel like I’m on a whirlwind downward spiral and I’m falling so fast I can’t find anything to take hold off.

The things that usually stop me aren’t in sight, they aren’t there or they’re not working.

I’m arguing with my Dad, I’m snapping at everyone, I’m struggling to find motivation to do things, I’m fucking up things when I do. I feel like I’m stretche unbareably thin and in order to get everything done I have to cut corners and reduce quality.

I don’t know how this happened, I don’t know how to stop, but I can’t find joy in anything, I just want to scream at everyone, WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT!!

I want to lash out, I want to completely derail, I want to lose myself completely, I want people to finally see what I’ve been trying to deal with and see how it’s impacted me.

I want them to see that I’ve seemed fine because I was fighting so hard to keep it together, to continue on, that it was my sheer will and determination that kept me going, not that life was peachy. I want them to see all the crap I’ve been putting up with, the stuff that had them falling apart within moments, the stuff they burdened me with, all of them, even though I had all my stuff going on and still I kept going. I want them to see that I can only be strong and level for so long, until it just combusts and burns everything.

I want someone to be there for me, like I am for so many. I want them to say hey let’s talk for hours until you feel like maybe the load lifted a little.

I want to unleash, I want people to feel the force of what they put unto me, I want them to suffer the way they should. I want to break other people the way they’ve broken me.

I don’t want to be a wreck, I want to be strong.
I don’t want to cry and break down, I want to be collected.
I don’t want to be angry, I want to be happy.

A few years ago I was happier, I had hope, I had friends, a social life, I was close to my family. I remember the point when I noticed it was all changing.

It was August 2010 and I was sat in a sunny field with one of my best friends, at a big uk festival, I had my sunglasses on, surrounded by thousands of people. The week before my doctor had prescribed me anti depressants, I didn’t think I was depressed, I had told the doctors my symptoms, and filled out a form, and the conclusion was I was depressed, but I didn’t take the tablets because I thought he was wrong.But as I sat there, at what later should’ve been one of the happiest memories in my life, I realised that beneath my sunglasses I was crying, not because I was happy, but because I felt numb to happiness. I could see everyone around me having the time of their life, and I was enjoying the festival, 4 out of 6 of my favourite bands were there, on of my best friends was there, the sun was beating down on me and I knew I should’ve used sunscreen, and yet I wasn’t happy. I sat there thinking “is this it? these moments we look forward to, is that all life is? looking forwards to moments cos you hope/believe they might be the thing that makes you happy and this might be the thing that you find life worth living for, and ultimately being left disappointed because you’re now so broken you no longer feel happiness?”

I don’t think I’ve been happy since… I thought I was happy pre August 2010, but not pre June 2008, maybe for a brief moment between June 2008 – August 2010 I found a way to be happy. I socialised every weekend, I had a three best friends, and a few groups of other friends, I was close to my sister, my brother and his girlfriend. I went on days outs, dinner with the family, dinner with friends, I enjoyed my job, I went to the gym, I worked out in various ways, I was fairly happy with my weight and how I looked. Most importantly my panic attacks seemed all but gone. My health was okish, I still had a low immune system, but in comparison to now, my health was fantastic! I was happy, active, I was living.

I’m not sure how depression seeped in, or exactly when, I just remember that moment I realised that I was, in fact, severely depressed, hiding behind my sunglasses crying.

Everyday since then, I’ve wondered “how do I find that girl again?”, how did I ever find her? I became that happy person despite losing my mum in 2006, despite becoming estranged with one of my best friends because she didn’t know how to cope with me losing my mum, despite the first man I ever loved and had been in a relationship with for four years cheating on me and breaking my heart and still wanting me to be his best friend! Despite the adversity I had gone/was going through, I still managed to fight my way through and find happiness. How did I lose it?