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Today’s Column

March 29, 2013

Don’t be anybody’s sloppy seconds

A guy I was seeing for a few months is significantly older than me. We agreed to be exclusive, but one day he invited me over late at night and said he was thinking of settling down with someone else (not as young as me). He said he was confused whether to settle down or stay with me. I was too taken aback to say anything.

I can only find passion in sexually monogamous relationships, but I also really like him. I feel angry, especially considering that he only told me after he took my virginity. But I’m too afraid to tell him and lose him.

Angry but Stuck

You’ve been dropped into the deep waters of sex, passion, and betrayal soon after getting your feet wet. So you better learn to swim, fast!

This guy is your first, so the only nice thing about this story is that you liked him a lot when it happened. That was then.

Now he’s revealed a great deal more about himself…. he’s a selfish, thoughtless user.

He didn’t just meet the other person and get to know her well enough to settle down during these same few months you dated. So much for being “exclusive,” which he wanted for you, but not for him.

You were a young, still-innocent distraction, but now he’s on his way to being a couple with her…. the other woman he knew/saw all along.

Walk away. And get tested for STD’s.

If he tries to talk you into some “arrangement” of still getting together on the side, RUN. The same applies if he suggests he’ll spend a few more months seeing you while he “decides.” RUN faster. And end all contact.

You’ve got a long sexual future ahead, so learn how to stay above water by recognizing the users, players, and charmers. Look for passion with people who are sincere, decent, and truly care about you.

My younger sister and I have never been close. I have three children. She never spends any time with them unless it’s a special occasion like birthdays. Or once or twice a year, when it’s convenient for her.

When she’s around them she says things like, “that’s why I’m not having kids,” whenever they aren’t being perfect kids in her eyes.

It really hurts that she makes no effort to get to know them. I see friends with kids whose sisters love to spend time with them. I just wish we had some sort of a relationship, not just when it is a birthday.

Distant Sis

There’s no mention of any interest you have in your sister as a person, rather than just a reflection of your having had children for her to admire.

What about her interests, work, hobbies, talents, sports, her own special occasions?

If you ask to see her outside your Mommy world, and call to ask about her life, you’d be actively developing a relationship, instead of just wishing for one.

Even if you two did not grow up as close sisters, you can now make the effort to try to turn that around. But it won’t just happen because you had children. That makes it all about you…. which may have always been her perception as the younger sis. Sibling position has a lot to do with perception and its link to relationship. But adult sisters can have a fresh start, if they both want to try.

I had an ex who married and didn’t reveal our past relationship to his wife. But he had the delusional thought that they and a mutual male friend and I could meet socially.

I liked and respected my ex's wife. When invited to a gathering at their home, I insisted he come clean before I’d consider attending. He did and I went. When the mutual male friend was again in town, my ex wanted to repeat this, but I politely declined, explaining why I thought this was a bad idea.

I’ve seen him on business a couple of times, but consider it unfair to my ex's great relationship with his wife to have a social relationship with them. They’ve been together happily for over 20 years.

I know I wouldn't want an ex, with whom I’d had a long-term relationship, to be hanging around my marriage!

You showed more respect for this woman than her husband demonstrated.

Tip of the day:

When your “exclusive” date mentions his other choice of partner, walk away from being #2.