RoSa
Hi. I'm Trivium, and I don't do intros. I guess I should tell you a bit about myself before we jump into this story... I am 17 years old, pegasus male, about half a foot smaller then average size for ponies, oh and I have no home or family. ·Trivium

SaDaAn
When the fate of a country balances on the blade of a knife, the least action by even the smallest can send ripples throughout history. A single deed can decide the fate of millions on a night like any other. ·kalash93

RoDaAd
The mighty Griffin Kingdoms with their new War Wing airships have ventured forth to conquer their neighbors. A desperate plan is born to change the winds of war. Meanwhile a Griffin meets a Zebra. ·Akashic Brony

Featured In20

Sunny Breeze is living a quiet life in Ponyville until one night, Rainbow Dash suddenly appears at his door! What does she want? What's really going on here? What are her true motives? All may not be as it seems, especially Sunny himself.

Thanks to MrSing, Sayer, John117, Nahmala, and Brony2893 for their prereading, advice and edits. Thanks a million, comrades!

Big thanks to Sayer for the awesome cover art! If you want an artist, he's the man you ought to talk to.

Lastly, feedback is appreciated; don't hold back if you got something to say.

Very well written. I like the idea of a no body meeting up with a huge star. It works somehow, although your reasoning behind it could have been a bit better. Other then that, a few grammar or spelling mistakes here and there; nothing major. It's enjoyable, and await for a new chapter! you get 4/5 Flutteryays for these two chapter my friend!

I relly enjoyed this chapter. It was ice to add Scootaloo and see her actual relationship with Rainbow Dash, although I kinda expected her to have her Cutie Mark. And I wonder how much time does Sunny Breze have before she finds out the truth? I can't wait for the next chapter!

I'm glad that you liked chapter 3. I was worried that people wouldn't like it because it's a lot darker than the surrounding chapters and comes almost out of nowhere.

Sunny looks vaguely like me in the picture.

You will keep on reading and commenting, right? Unfortunately, it's going to be another week before I can post the chapter 5. I have a lot going on and early week release dates are murder on myself and the prereaders, so I have to give an extra week for all involved. Oh well, I'll have something interesting up tomorrow. It's an somewhat unrelated world building character exercise. It focuses more on the modern warfare angle presented in chapter 3.

As for the different guards, well, I used different inspirations for each one. The theme around which I centered the designs is anonymity, as each uniform has a key feature designed for guarding the identity of the wearer. The different outfirts and callsigns are meant to be variations on the theme which also grant a certain degree of uniqueness and individuality to the characters as well as reinforce the idea that they're only private sector personnel who are armed, yet they are not raised to the standard pr proffesionalism of an army. However, especially with Sunny, if you look closely, you'll see a lot of Eastern Bloc influences.

Kinda sounding like Sunny may be just another notch on Rainbow's belt. She agreed to a 2nd date with Sunny but she's having DINNER with Lightning Dust? Sounding like Rainbow is sleeping around with her teammates, atleast the mares.

This is an Equestria that acts like a cracked mirror of our society. It's a world where there's love and friendship so powerful that it can literally take on physical form, that of the Elements of Harmony. However, at the same time, there's also intolerance on a frightening scale. It's less an intolerance for other cultures, mind you, but an intolerance for progress. There's obviously a criminal element, one dangerous enough to warrant the employment of armed guards, but they're hated to a riduculous extent.

The intolerance, really, is aimed not just at the ponies who carry the weapons, these ponies who take a difficult job quite simply because it needs to be done and there's nopony else to do it, but also against the guns themselves, the progress of technology. The main hate here is directed, whether ponies intend it or not, towards science.

How many could an angry unicorn kill if they put their mind to it? Would there be anything anypony but another unicorn could do to stop them? What the guns in this world really do is force equality. Take that same unicorn, but put an armed guard in his path. These ponies are demonized, called 'foal killers' (bringing back memories of Vietnam and the intolerance towards the soldiers, simply young men forced to do what they had to do) and hated for simply doing their jobs. The outcry and the danger against them is so great that they've been authorized, and are, in fact, expected, to fire on civilians if they're threatened.

The fact is, the change in society is the reason that they face the hate that they do, it seems. There's no outcry against unicorns, mostly because they are both societally integrated and without a choice in the matter, despite the fact that they're essentially living weapons. Gunponies, on the other hand, make the choice to pick up the gun... Or do they? We've seen that Sunny's cutie mark is a rifle shell. Whatever fate exists in Equestria has chosen him to be a gunpony. How is he now any different from a unicorn? One has a horn on their head, the other has a mark on their flank. He has no choice. It's the unnatural aspect, the technological one, that sets him aside, to where he has to take the sewers to work. It's a dark look at how a peaceful, magically destined society turns against those they may have grown up with the moment that destiny chooses a path for them that they don't agree with.

That's... startlingly similar to what I'm driving at. Underneath the romance story is a lot about Equestria, force, and the relationship between them. And people came here thinking that they were just reading a romance fan fiction.. Granted, I wasn't putting that much thought into it. My point was more that violence was something completely alien to most ponies and that morality is much more complicated than black and white. There's also stuff in there about intolerance and social stigma. The reasons why gun ponies carry weapons and how they deal with their profession are widely varied. The degree to which choice and what sort of morality enters into the decision to pick up arms is always debatable and not all are the same, for once a pony picks up a weapon for a paycheck, there is no going back. You are right about the criminal element. It is going to show up in the story fairly soon. There is a reason why Sunny Breeze carries an automatic weapon to work on a daily basis and sleeps with one at night.

Right. Sick, headache, back pain, still recovering from a broken ankle, my arms are sore as fuck from doing some house repairs yesterday, but fuck that noise, you need your review, and by god we can't have one guy missing his review.

First Chapter:

Right, so, starting this off. So far, you're doing fine. You get a bit wordy with certain things, mainly overextending an explanation on the qualities of drinking that whiskey. It seemed long, drawn out, and kinda useless. Filler, really. Then we move on the the beginning of the relationship. What the ? Alright... So, because she's single, and because Pinkie suggested it, Dash just goes for this random stallion that she doesn't really know? Alright... I'll let it slide. It's been done... OK before. So, now we have a date. Just like that. Ok, cool, that's fine.

Second Chapter:

Ok... this is all fine. An- WHAT THE ! DUDE. INFODUMP. SHEESH. I said this before, but you have a HECK of a problem with extending details that need not be extended. Seriously. Five paragraphs in, and MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT INFODUMP. Sheesh. Twelve fucking sentences about the goddamned weather. What the hell. Alright, it's getting better... Huh. Startin' to think this dude might've been in the army at some point, despite the obvious "No" from the first chapter. Huh... Alright, a bit of world-building. This is ok. Kinda interesting, actually. Ok... Huh. So, starting to get a bit more of an idea as to who Sunny really is. Huh... We- OH GOD DAMN IT! If I remember correctly, one of the rules of fanfiction is "Don't make your reader google shit that can be explained in a simpler fashion" or some variation thereof. Beatific. You could've just as well used Serene. It's used more often, and it's more recognized than beatific.

Third Chapter:

Huh... Starting to actually like this story, now that your nubbishness is wearing off. I'm really interested in the whole "Leadhead" dynamic you've set up.

Fourth Chapter:

Alright, you're really starting to get better now. I didn't see unneeded infodumps, and the story is progressing nicely. Not much more I can say here, since that pretty much sums it all up.

Fifth Chapter:

Ok, so normally in a review, I'll try to avoid doing this because, well, this is a review. It ain't a proof-readin'. This mistake, however, forces me to point it out.

While the heckling normally might not have been quite as bad as it was on Saturday, it would still be bad, and aside from the face that he would have to deal with ponies trying to figure out where he lived. He’s to relocate if the secret got out.

>Aside from the face

>He's to relocate if the secret got out.

While the heckling normally might not have been quite as bad as it was on Saturday, it would still be bad, and because of the fact that he would have to deal with ponies trying to figure out where he lived, he'd have to relocate if the secret got out.

I really just HAD to fix this for ya. It was glaring.

Anyway, the rest of the chapter is extremely well done. The story is fine, again, and I'm loving this leadhead dynamic you've got set up. All in all, I'll fave.

1- You have created very destined charaters and you manage to write Pinkie and Dash very like how they really are.

2- You describe their surrounding pretty good

3- Doing an interesting thing with multiple language instead of having itall be English

Cons:

1- The main character feels like a drunken mess

2- You have a tendency to trail off when you're explaining thing which is quite distracting

3- The timeline is difficult to follow

Notes:

You got a nice story going here, build on the principle of being new in Ponyville which I think works great. Aldo a bit sudden, the introduction of Rainbow Dash manage to work pretty well. You have a nice tempo to your story, if a bit slow when you go into depth of the surroundings and emotions. You jump from Sunny to Dash a bit sudden which you could have made a sligthly clearer sign that you switched.

Having the main character be an alcoholic can be either good or bad, but here it comes off as being too much on the bottle. I don't drink myself, but I don'tthink it's normal drinking so much as he does and still maintain suitable andworking. Making him nervous in front of mares, but being a hard-cooked security guard kinda works so props for that.

The time he and Dash spends together starts off good, but becomes chorter as the story progresses until it feels like they barely get to have a lunch break together so have them have a proper sit-down soon. other than that the story was gripping and I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

Thanks for the detailed and good review, DrTechno, I intend for most chapter to follow more or less one day after another. He goes to sleep in chapter 1 and wakes up in chapter 2. I indicate if a different amount of time separates chapters. Sunny Breeze is purposefully written as an alcoholic. He drinks because he has some pretty serious issues. You'll learn more in the next chapter.

First chapter review. It's 12:19 AM as I start this, so pardon me if it's not the most detailed review. I'll say a few things I observe during the chapter, and once I've finished I'll give my overall review.

I was surprised to see the inclusion of the real-life FN FAL rifle..."What is this, I don't even" got me laughing...Chocolate pudding at 4 AM? I smell Rugrats.

Anyways, review time. I didn't see many mistakes. "Invariable" should be "invariably", and you referred to Pinkie as "Pinky", not sure if that was intentional. You forgot to capitalize the "Dash" in "Rainbow Dash at one point, and a few sentences were missing just one or two words, but that's all I could really notice.

The concept of your OC being "nothing special" isn't new to me - however, I did enjoy your elaboration. The whiskey and conlang were nice touches that allowed me to think of him less as a generic "average Joe". On the note of characterization, you've captured Rainbow Dash's personality very efficiently, right down to her little obsession with herself.

Sunny's silent confusion with nearly everything that was going on made things a bit more interesting, as it allowed a pocket of time for Rainbow Dash to introduce herself to the story with the 'bang' she deserves.

I'm not sure why I put off starting this story for so long. I'm not much of a reader; I'd rather be writing. However, I can safely say that I'll be reading the next chapter tomorrow. A very solid story so far.

Pardon my style of feedback, its not along the lines of AHA standard and rather than one cumulative review at the end, I share my thoughts on every chapter as I read.

I like the bit of meta humor here, gags from the show and beyond, as mentioned before. Initially, I found it a bit weird that Rainbow Dash would be after Sunny, but reading on has dispelled some confusion there. Just goes to show: persistence is key!

Though some things still remain, such as why Rainbow Dash would be back on the romance scene so soon after divorcing her second husband. I get the impression this story is as much a love story as a deconstruction of celebrity relationships. (*cough*Kardashian*cough*)

Furthermore, Sunny's hobby came off as a bit weird. He comes from a roughneck part of Equestria, owns a gun, gets tipsy almost every day in a doldrum state of existence... but he is making up his own language? ... Then again, a lot of crazy things can be done by someone with too much free time on their hands. Hooves. Whatever.

I'm not too big a fan of romance stories, but I'll try to keep up with this one. I leave you with these errors I spotted defacing your work here. Vandals.

It happened suddenly one warm Friday night in the[space]spring.

Sunny cocked an eyebrow and looked up into her lenses. All he got was [a/her?] glare and his reflection

I thoroughly enjoyed the Wonderbolt's sequence, almost being able to picture it in my mind. Derpy X Doctor, good...Miền Sói. Vietnamese. Love it. I could genuinely feel the intensity mounting in their game I kind of wonder how many years after, say, the Season 3 finale this is. Ten years? I'm not sure, not that it matters. Sunny was adorkable, as always.

“I have a lot of practice at this sort of thing.” I'd like to hear more about that. Good so far...

Note: Sorry for the late review. Like I said, I was occupied for a while around my birthday and I just recently came up with an idea for a third story, so I finally decided to take a break and finish this chapter.

The story premise itself is interesting. It starts off pretty slow and clunky, but once it gets going it goes on some interesting twists and turns that do a better job of keeping the reader engaged. Once again, though, it’s hurt by the fact that most of the presented information is useless to the overall story, and that makes the plot drag on far longer than it needs to. Also, there isn’t any motivation for the beginning of the story. It just sort of happens without really much background information.