Are you retarded? Quit looking down here

02/28/2017

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Liberal activist Rosie O'Donnell angrily lashed out at President Trump today, hours before she is to lead a protest outside of the White House during the President's first address to Congress.

The plus-sized celebrity blasted Trump on social media after arriving at the area reserved by Capitol Police for her group:

"If anyone has any doubts that this human Cheeto isn't a misogynistic, mean-spirited piece of sh*t, I welcome you to look at the area (see pic below) reserved for our protest tonight. BTW, Dickhead, I've lost over 200 lbs, so you can suck my imaginary d*ck."

02/27/2017

HOLLYWOOD, California (World News Bureau) - The Acadamy Awards are being criticized on multiple fronts this morning over their remaking the Oscar statuette to be more LGBTQ inclusive.

Feminists took to social media last night decrying the statuette's "gigantic fake breasts," saying it "creates an unreal body image that most women and transgendered men would have a hard time obtaining on an average salary." The nation's largest Muslim group also condemned the redesign, calling it "inflammatory to all male believers, driving them to rape as many women as possible." A prominent Christian organization issued a press release calling the new Oscar "typically Hollywood - sexually confused and so incredibly wrong," and joining their Islamic counterparts in calling for a return to the old design or at least clothing the new.

A spokesperson for the awards show apologized for offending anyone, saying, "We simply wanted the statue to more accurately reflect real people in our special world."

02/24/2017

MEXICO CITY, Mexico (World News Bureau) - Secretary of State Rex Tillerson finished his difficult visit to Mexico on a low note when his Cadillac limousine was stripped overnight in front of the Presidential Palace.

According to authorities, the crime was carried out around 2:00 AM when Mexican police took over guarding the car for a Secret Service agent while he visited the restroom for approximately two minutes. Reported stolen were the wheels and tires, car radio, communications equipment, front seats, several firearms, and an undetermined amount of small change.

Sec. of State Tillerson was taken to the airport in a local cab.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson limousine stripped in front of Mexican Presidential Palace

02/23/2017

The WDB award is presented to "the public figure who best exemplifies mental dimness at a level that both alarms and disgusts." Its male counterpart - "World's Dumbest Son Of A Bitch" - is awarded later in the year. Insiders say that barring any surprises, that honor will likely go to either Chuck Schumer or Rachel Maddow.

As is the custom since it was established in 1957, the WDB award (below) will be hurled at Waters from a passing car sometime during the next few weeks.

02/21/2017

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - A leaked Department of Homeland Security (DHS) memo details efforts to provide a quicker and more efficient means of repatriating illegal aliens. Currently, there is a heavy backlog of individuals awaiting deportation due to a shortage of manpower and transportation.

According to the memo, the new technology-driven process will cut the time and cost of deporting an individual by nearly 96%, while freeing border agents for needed interception duties until a wall is built.

Unfortunately, not everyone is happy with the proposal. Immigration rights activists call the new process "draconian and demeaning," and are demanding Democrats block its implementation. "Whoa. What the f*ck, man. Damn." said Open Borders spokesman Juan Pacheco after reviewing a photo of the technology in action (below).

02/20/2017

NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - The Big Apple is picking up the pieces after Muslims and Muslim sympathizers protested President Trump on Sunday in Times Square.

Authorities say the event attended by approximately 1000 people generated "numerous" reports of sexual assault on women of all ages, young boys, and even 3 service dogs, as well as 43 thefts, 2 attempted beheadings, and a failed suicide bombing utilizing Mentos and a 32 oz Pepsi. In addition, area hospitals say they treated and released nearly 70 people who reportedly succumbed to "extreme B.O."

Times Square was expected to re-open this morning after police investigators finish collecting evidence and sanitation workers remove body fluids from the popular tourist destination.

02/17/2017

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - A high-level CIA operative says the Russian spy ship presently cruising the East Coast is, among other things, actively hacking the Democratic National Committee's (DNC) computer servers as well as Hillary Clinton's home server.

"We're 99% positive that the Russians are again successfully accessing DNC servers in Washington and Mrs. Clinton's home server in New York. Actually, they've never really stopped hacking them. The DNC changed their passwords, but it appears they're using their last names, so the security update has been somewhat non-effective. As for Mrs. Clinton, she reportedly had a steel fence constructed around her server, so, well, you know."

02/16/2017

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said his visit on Wednesday to the White House was the first in years where he didn't feel treated like an adversary.

In an interview with the Jerusalem Post, the Prime Minister praised President Trump for his hospitality, contrasting it with his visits to the White House during the former administration.

When asked about the differences, Prime Minister Netanyahu replied,"Well, it was nice to not have to leave by the back door, for instance. In 2010, I think, they had me take out the garbage on my way out. The White House itself was a refreshing change as well - no smell of marijuana and cigarette smoke in the Oval Office, no crash of barbells hitting the floor above accompanied by loud rap music. We were even served real food on real plates. It's wonderful to be interacting with adults again."

02/15/2017

NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - In the latest bombshell to hit the Trump administration, the New York Times says it has received information from anonymous high-ranking U.S. intelligence officials that Melania Trump is purposely or inadvertently spying for Russia.

An excerpt from the article published Wednesday:

This publication has received credible information from senior U.S. intelligence personnel that Mrs. Trump has been actively eavesdropping on her husband's personal conversations through the use of Russian KGB listening devices. This information comes from photographic evidence of Mrs. Trump ingesting Russian caviar, a substance that could be used to conceal miniaturized listening devices. The fact that Russia has a history of attempting to downsize covert listening devices is well known within the U.S. intelligence community and points strongly to the likelihood that Mrs. Trump has been either knowingly or unknowingly engaging in activities to compromise U.S. security at the highest levels. Furthermore, there is overwhelming evidence that President Trump is aware of his wife's use of this Russian caviar, possibly making him culpable as well.

02/14/2017

BOSTON, Massachusetts (World News Bureau) - Sen. Elizabeth Warren (RTRD-MASS) has released a new book aimed at firing up left wing support for her expected presidential run in 2020.

"One Angry Squaw" details Warren's life journey from a rough-and-tumble childhood fighting for respect on a poverty-stricken reservation to her ascent to one of the highest offices of the land. Highlights of the book include Warren's battle against racism as one of the first Native American faculty members of Harvard University and her brief career as a successful chef with the publication of her highly regarded Native American cookbook, "Pow Wow Chow."

Warren reacted after receiving a stunning monition from her fellow senators while attempting to read a letter disparaging Attorney General-designate Sen. Jeff Sessions. After briefly taking her seat, the fuming Warren donned her native attire then took to the floor where she danced among her colleagues, "hooting" and "yipping" while aggressively waving a plastic tomahawk.

"Yeah, Liawatha sure hit the warpath," said Republican Senator Steven Daines. "Somebody said she even scalped some tickets after she left. I'm guessing Fauxcahontas is still bitter because the white man killed all the buffalo or something like that."

02/07/2017

02/06/2017

HOUSTON, Texas (World News Bureau) - NFL commissioner Roger Goodell was reportedly rushed to an area hospital last night after visiting the New England Patriot's locker room in an attempt to mend fences between the League and team.

Sources say Goodell briefly met with Patriot's head coach Bill Belichick before being whisked away by aides and stadium medical personnel to a local hospital. A spokesperson at Houston Methodist Hospital would only say that the 57-year-old executive was treated for "major award-related anal discomfort" and later released.

02/03/2017

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - A growing number of Democrats are accusing the Trump administration of attempting to hasten Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg's departure from the Supreme Court.

Their concerns center around recent reports that the administration immediately replaced the carpet in Ginsburg's chambers with polished marble sealed with WD-40 and are now serving her only deep-fried foods and Redline energy drinks in the dining room. Some Democrats are also questioning the motivation behind the decision to retire Ginsburg's limousine and Secret Service bodyguards in favor of a 1974 Buick with no heat or air conditioning and an unvetted Pakistani refugee driver.

02/02/2017

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Apparently in response to riots at UC Berkeley Wednesday night, President Donald Trump today signed an executive order affecting funding, the university's name, and giving it a unique designation.

"This morning I am signing an executive order that will immediately cut federal funding to the University of California, Berkeley as well as effectively changing the formal name to one more accurately fitting - Chairman Mao Snowflake University. In addition, this order officially designates this campus as an "Institute of Idealogical Idiocy," the first to be so designated, but definitely not the last," Trump told reporters at the Oval Office signing.

Upon hearing the news, students and administrators at Chairman Mao Snowflake U. gathered at the school's designated "safe space," Cal Dining hall, where they were reported to be "looting and burning the kitchen and fornicating for peace".