After nine years of listening to the robotic voice of Theo Epstein, a man whose expression always seemed to suggest he was battling a severe digestive disorder, Red Sox fans felt a certain relief when the GM picked up and moved on to Chicago. Sure, Epstein had done some wonderful things in Boston, and some disasterous ones as well, but what fans could always count on was his bloodless, humorless, thoroughly boring persona. But after a thorough investigation through sources in the front office, Call of the Green Monster has learned that Cherington may possibly be more boring than his predecessor.

"Well I hired him, and of course people find me rather boring," said John Henry. "Theo was like a son to me, wonderfully boring, unemotional, cold, and an absolutely dreadful conversationalist. Everyting you'd want in a child. But having said all that, I'm delighted to report that Benjamin is just as boring, and possibly even more boring."

"Brutal, absolutely brutal," added Larry Lucchino when describing what it's like to spend time with Cherington. "I mean you'd rather sit through a 10-hour root canal than have a ten minute conversation with Ben. He is the most uninteresting, unfunny guy I've ever met. You almost question whether he's human."

Cherington, when apprised, merely shrugged at the story. "I'm actually insulted that people don't think I can match, and even exceed Theo's boringness. Don't mess with me, man. I could put a cup of coffee to sleep."

The string of bad luck for outfielder Carl Crawford continues. Amidst reports that his elbow--the injury preceeded by his hamstrings woes and wrist problems--may keep him out for months, Crawford yesterday reported soreness in his ankle, finger, toe, and neck.

"There's also something going on with my ear, yo," said a discouraged Crawford, while twisting his pinkie in his left ear. "But they tell me that's just earwax, and hell, that I can play through. I also had the hiccups, man, but I drank a glass of water while standing on my head and now I'm cool."

GM Ben Cherington remained optimistic. "His baseball activities are limited until we clear up these latest problems," he said. "But he took a walk yesterday, and lemme tell you, he looked fantastic. We were all excited. But evidently it took a lot out of him, because of these new injuries that have cropped up."

Call of the Green Monster talked to Red Sox team doctor Ian Jury, who told us that while Crawford's injuries could not be regarded as serious, he will not be on a baseball field any time soon. "We're looking at roughly six years before he'll be able to start throwing a baseball," the doctor reported. "Unfortunately I'm told his contract will be up by then."

The ever-optimistic Cherington said. "Think positive. We can use the insurance money on Crawford to sign our next free agent disaster!"

It is one of the more embarrassing traditions of Fenway Park. Decades after it long went out of fashion, clueless fans continue to do "The Wave" during games. While Sox ownership has privately expressed their dismay, Call of the Green Monster has learned that a secret plan is in place to deal with the problem.

A tape from a recording device placed in Larry Lucchino's office indicates that the Sox worked during the recent roadtrip to install devices on each seat that can deliver a mild to extreme electric shock. The device will work from remote control, and the plan is that when a fan first stands and initiates the obnoxious Wave, upon sitting down they will receive a mild shock.

"At first it probably won't register with these knuckleheads that they are being shocked for doing The Wave," Lucchino can be heard telling John Henry and Tom Werner. "But with each subsequent turn, the shocks will increase in intensity. The maximum shock will be slightly less than lethal, though it's hard to gauge that with complete accuracy."

When Tom Werner expressed concern about fans being hurt, Lucchino became incredulous. "So what if they get carried away in a stretcher, that's kind of the point, isn't it? We're getting clobbered by other teams on a regular basis and we have brain dead fans celebrating. We start getting rid of these nitwits one by one, until eventually we have a wave-free park. Then we get to work on "Sweet Caroline".

"Wait a minute," John Henry can be heard saying. "Last year I was doing The Wave, and I seem to remember getting buzzed a few times myself."

"We had to test it on someone, John," Lucchino replies, "and...I've noticed you're not doing it any more."

After suffering the most humiliating loss in the history of his ownership, John Henry was dreading the thought of his team taking another pounding at the hands of the dreaded New York Yankees. The owner decided to call on this self-proclamined mystical abilities to perform a rain dance on the field the morning of the scheduled night game.

Wearing a scanty outfit of feathers and turquoise, meant to symbolize the wind and rain respectively, Henry said he received his training during a spiritual retreat with the Opadage and Quavia Indian tribes of Missouri and Arkansas. (A quick internet search revealed no such tribes exist.) Henry performed a 10 minute ceremony, and proclaimed that the rains would soon come and force a cancellation.

"He looked like a friggin' idiot," said a disgusted Bobby Valentine. "It was an insult to every Native American. He was actually down there saying 'how' to the grounds crew and offering a 'peace pipe' that looked like one of those cheap corn cob things you buy at a 5 and 10."

"Uh, there was like a 150% chance of downpours anyway," said a skeptical Ben Cherington. "So we get humiliated by the Rangers, humiliated by the Yankees, and now we have our owner on the field in what looks like a kid's Halloween costume doing a dance to get us out of a game tonight. Makes you proud to be a Red Sox."

A group of genuine Native Americans came to the park to protest Henry's insensitivity, but decided to abandon their plans when they saw the extent to which Henry was making a fool of himself. "The dance he wanted to be doing is the bullpen dance," said a would-be protester with a smirk. "More than rain, the team needs a bullpen."

Just when Red Sox Nation had had enough of hearing about the Red Sox fried-chicken-and-beer fueled collapse last September, Call of the Green Monster has cracked the case of what exactly happened. The Evil Empire, known also as the New York Yankees, was evidently flashing subliminal messages on their scoreboard while the Red Sox were batting during an early September game. The rest is history.

"Yeah, I came up with the entire scheme," said Hal Steinbrenner, while his brother, Hank, cackled jubilantly. "I'm told Beckett and company walked out of the stadium that day looking for the nearest chicken joint they could find." Added Hank, "And when they got there, we had free pitchers of beer sent over to them! Whatta plan!"

Tormented by images of delicious fried chicken that consumed their every thought, Red Sox players soon lost the will to win. "I'd wake up in a cold sweat," said Jon Lester, "tossing and turning, the sheets soaking wet. And all I could think of was getting more chicken and washing it down with beer."

The Steinbrenners, meanwhile, already have plans in place for this year's Red Sox downfall. "We encouraged them to hire Bobby Valentine," Hank Steinbrenner said. "And they fell for it!"

As the Red Sox sink deeper into the abyss of the AL East with another crushing defeat, manager Bobby Valentine hastily called a team meeting to reverse a recently established policy. "I'm a man who's not afraid to admit a mistake," said the manager. "True, I've made so few of them in life that there isn't much to admit, but in this case I certainly was wrong to banish drinking from the clubhouse and during games."

With that, Valentine raised a bottle of sake and chugged away, saying that clubhouse and even gametime drinking were not only allowed, but encouraged. Whoops and cheers were heard from the players. "I've got new found respect for you Bobby," said Kevin Youkilis as he kissed Valentine's cheek. "I was questioning your committment," he continued as they both laughed, "but let's get drunk and forget about past differences."

Dustin Pedroia, already on his third beer, poured some over Bobby V's head, and said, "Dude, this IS the way we do things around here." Liquor continued to flow, and a new sense of team bonding, warmth, and kinship could be witnessed as players staggered around the clubhouse.

"I think we'll be a much more relaxed team," said a pragmatic Valentine, as a player could be heard vomiting in the background. "Yeah, we'll deal with hangovers, but hell, baseball players have been overcoming hangovers since the game started."

Amidst the celebration and revelry, John Henry walked in. "Did we win something?" he asked excitedly. "Oh, please tell me we won something!"

"No," came a slurred reply. "We're just getting trashed."

"Ah," said the owner sadly. "So even with all the changes it's like September all over again. Might as well drink through the misery."

After a tumultuous day at Fenway Park yesterday, Bobby Valentine sought to put out the flames he had set in his clubhouse when he publicly questioned the commitment of Kevin Youkilis. As the media waited outside Valentine's office, the manager finally emerged, arm around Youkilis, exchanging warm smiles.

"We had a good talk," Valentine said, patting Youk on the head. "I explained to Kevin that while I stand by everything I said, I didn't mean to single him out. I have something bad to say about every player on this team, and I'm more than happy to share those thoughts with you." Valentine then opened a notebook, and began sharing his personal criticism of each player.

"You know, I might have judged Bobby too quickly," said Youk, as he admiringly watched Valentine. "This is such a sweet thing he's doing. To make sure that we're all insulted equally, I think that takes a special kind of person."

Ever since taking over for former Red Sox GM Theo Epstein, Ben Cherington has been trying to establish a record of his own. Since he has made no acquisitions to boast about, Cherington is trying to prove that he is every bit as adept at building winning teams through statistical analysis than his predecessor. His initial computations on the season, however, brought unexpected results, and don't bode well for the team as they move toward reaching .500 after a wretched start.

"This team is significantly weakened by having me for a GM," Cherington revealed at a recent press conference yesterday, showing graphs and pie charts that indicate the team's position. "When Theo announced he was leaving, the figures show we got worse. When I was announced as the new GM, it got significantly worse. When my biggest offseason move was trading Marco Scutaro, the team fell off the charts. I am killing us, there's no question about it."

John Henry, who has a well-known love for such statistical analysis, took the news rather calmly. "The stats also show that Bobby V weakens us, as does losing Papelbon, as does the boatload of injuries we've had, as does our new penny-pinching mode of making no conscious effort to improve the team. What can I say? Better get your Liverpool soccer tickets while they last!"

In a scheduling snafu that led several in the Red Sox front office red-faced and humiliated, the team today announced that Opening Day at Fenway Park is canceled due to the park being double-booked. Management hastily put together a press conference to explain.

"We have a new software program that schedules our events, and the damn thing has a lot of bugs," said Larry Lucchino sheepishly. "When we got the notification that we had two scheduled events for the same day, we were devastated. But I can assure you that the other event is of vital importance and could not be canceled. Hell, we can play baseball anytime we want and still get people to pay."

The announcement led many to question what could possibly take precedence over the Red Sox game. A Call of the Green Monster investigation revealed that the event in question is the birthday party of 10-year-old Danny "Bubbles" Bubzinsky, a lifelong Red Sox fan. "My friends and I are so psyched," an enthusiastic Bubbles said. "We're going to have a moon walk on the field, a humoungous trampoline, and enough candy to make us all sick. No girls allowed. It's gonna be cool."

When pressed, Lucchino conceded that it was a difficult decision. "For one thing, we didn't want to let little Bubbles down on his birthday," he said compassionately. "For another, what his parents are paying us is triple the gate we'd get for Opening Day. With all these bad contracts Theo left us with, there's no way we're turning down that kind of cash."

Lucchino closed by saying there were tickets available for fans wanting to attend Bubbles' birthday party. "But you probably can't afford them," he noted sadly.

It has not been pleasant for Terry Francona since leaving the Boston Red Sox. Aside from the embarassment of last year's collapse, and the subsequent leaked stories highlighting sensitive issues from Francona's personal life, the Red Sox front office has done little to reach out to the most storied manager in team history. Today, a Boston Globe article revealed that the Red Sox wanted Francona to be a part of Opening Day festivities. When he refused, Call of the Green Monster learned the team will take drastic measures in retribution.

Call of the Green Monster has learned that shortly before the first pitch of the game, as festivities wind down, the sell-out crowd will be treated to a 10-minute video on Francona on the new high-definition screen. However, the video will apparently show troubling and humiliating moments of Francona's private life, including scenes depicting his troubled marriage and others depicting his alledged use of painkillers. "There is also much footage of Francona stuffing his mouth with all sorts of tobacco and other substances and drooling all over the field--though that's not exactly news," a source told us.

Francona was outraged to hear this information, but Larry Lucchino quickly called a press conference to deflect criticism. "I am shocked, shocked I tell you, to hear about the plans for this insidious video," a defiant Lucchino said. "We will get to the bottom of this, and whoever put together this disgusting, tasteless, trashy video will be severely punished."

However, when Lucchino was asked to confirm that the video will not be shown, he grew indignant. "Are you kidding, of course we're showing it," he said. "We paid a fortune for this video. We had clubhouse snitches following Francona everywhere all season with their camera phones to secure some really entertaining stuff. The show must go on!"

When informed that showing the video would only add to Francona's rage, Lucchino took an appeasing tone. "Don't worry about it, I'll issue an apology condemning the video," he said. "Eventually..."

Red Sox players walked to the locker room with a look of death on their faces as the Tigers completed a devastating sweep of the opening series of the season. The losses came in the most excruciating manner possible: blown leads, blow-out game, imploding bullpen, wretched starting pitching...

Reporters approached Bobby Valentine's office warily, but were shocked to find the manager sitting peacefully, sipping tea and grinning ear to ear. An intrepid reporter asked Valentine how much of a concern was the opening series sweep? Valentine laughed heartily, and said, "Ah, gentlemen, I see you don't understand what's going on here," said the manager, sipping his tea. "It's of no concern at all to me. In fact, the first three games went exactly as planned." More uproarious laughter from Valentine; more looks of confusion from the media. "We're exactly where we want to be, my friends, I couldn't have planned it more perfectly," he said confidently.

When asked to explain his logic, Valentine rolled his eyes. "You mere mortals need to have everything explained to you," he said. "I wanted Beckett and Buchholz to suck, so now we'll take everyone by surprise. The bullpen? We want other teams to think it's our weakness, then we spring it on them how good we really are. I drew it up this way the day I took over the team. Remember, I'm thinking at a much higher level than you guys. Three losses to start the season...all planned! Tonight, you'll see a different Red Sox team."

And if the team continues to play this poorly? "Then we really do suck, but it won't be my fault," he said with a shrug. "Blame it on Cherington."

The stories of Bobby Valentine's many talents seem to go on and on, most of them told by Valentine himself. Inventor of the wrap sandwich, director of public safety in Stamford, CT, prolific ballroom dancer, and, of course, legendary folk hero of the Japanese. Rumors that he invented sushi have not been confirmed as we went to press. During a recent team meeting, Bobby V spoke to the team at length about the many glorious accomplishments that are his life, and concluded with one strong message.

"So gentlemen, as you listen to my ceaseless discourse, keep one thing in mind," he said. "Contrary to popular sports philosophy, there is an "I" in team. And I am the I. The focus will be on me. When we win, I have won. When we lose, you have lost. I am the star, you are the supporting cast. I am the king, you are my peasants. I am I, gentlemen, I am I."

Afterwards, the players seemed perplexed. "That's a hell of a rallying cry," said Dustin Pedroia. "I'm just waiting for exact directions on when I'm supposed to kiss his rings...oh wait, he never won anything." Josh Beckett shrugged, "I was always under the assumption that I am I. But now I guess he is."

Valentine merely laughed when questioned about the wisdom of his philosophy. "The great Sun Tzu once said, 'Can you imagine what I would do if I could do all I can?'" he explained. "But I think I say it better: I can do all, I don't need to imagine it."

With thumb injuries threatening the start of both Josh Beckett's and Andrew Bailey's seasons, and rumors of other lingering thumb issues, Red Sox management is now under fire as to whether players received sufficient conditioning on their thumbs for the start of a grueling season. Manager Bobby Valentine scoffed at the notion.

"We did extensive thumb training every day," the skipper said heatedly. "In my philosophy, development of the strong band of tissue attached to the middle joint of the thumb, what we in the field call the ulnar collateral ligament, is crucial. I've developed exercises to increase thumb strength that are considered pioneering. The leading thumb specialists in the world consult with me all the time! Don't talk to me about thumbs, buster. I know what I'm talking about."

While some questioned the validity of that comment, Beckett and Bailey actually confirmed Valentine's statement. "Yeah, the moron did have us working on thumb strength," said an angry Beckett. "How the hell do you think we got injured in the first place? He had us doing a thousand f@#$%g pushups on our thumbs every day. Everybody's thumbs are killing them!"

The feud between Larry Lucchino and Theo Epstein was hardly a secret to any follower of Red Sox Nation over the last few years. It reached a boiling point a few years back, when Epstein briefly left the team. Finally, after last year's disastrous season, Epstein thought it would be a good time to put the gorilla suit back on, and slink out of town for Chicago. Lucchino, meanwhile, is adamant that whatever might possibly go wrong this season will be Epstein's fault.

"I think that goes without saying," Lucchino explained to Call of the Green Monster. "Valentine's new and Cherington's in his first year as GM, so they get a pass. It's certainly not going to be my fault if we fail, I think we all know that. So all logic points to Theo. Quite simply, if we fail, blame Theo. If we succeed, then I'm the guy you'd want to talk to."

Lucchino was pressed as to when Epstein might be off the hook. "Well, Lackey is going to be here three more years, so you do the math," he said defiantly. "It's going to be quite a while before the giant finger point of blame turns elsewhere."

And how does he think Epstein will do in Chicago, rebuilding the Cubs? "They better win the World Series this year," Lucchino said. "He's been there, what, a few months now? He's had plenty of time. It's all on Theo."