AN:Hey guys! Shit, its been over a year since I've updated this story. Nothing really has changed, though, I'm still active - I'll update this story more often if I see interest. Anyway, without further ado, enjoy! Also, keep in mind this particular chapter is very very mean, and has awful, hurtful language. Hope it doesnt seriously offend anyone ;-) ~Aly

10. Don't fuck with Gertrude.

Ciel squirmed against his restraints, which were mummified bunny corpses mixed with the intestines of Channing Tatum. He was disoriented and confused and trapped in a dark room that smelt like Tanaka's ass. The last thing he remembered was burying that dead hooker in Alois's front yard - then his memory was muddied and dirty, like Sebastian's long lost secret vagina.

"Tanaka, you son of a bitch!" He shrieked, whining and throwing a tantrum.

The fat one smiled at them with yellowish green rat teeth. "So are you guys gonna, like, have sex now?"

"No you stupid slut!" The obese one screamed, kicking the ugly one in the shin. She pulled out several sheets of computer paper. "According to fanfiction, he has to be raped, then killed, then brought back to life by a combination of love and Cornish Pixies, then he has to start cutting himself, then commit suicide, and then he's saved in the afterlife by Sebastian who rapes him, and then they fall in love on a cloud of butterflies and gumdrop smiles after giving birth to demon octuplets!"

Silence. Ciel blinked, then growled, "No fucking way am I going to associate with Cornish Pixies!"

"Eugenia, where did you put the condoms and Canadian spear fishing supplies?"

"Don't you dare speak to me in that tone of voice!" The ugly one started to castrate the obese one.

Sebastian started masturbating with a bullhook to the thought of catnip.

The killer fangirls closed in on them, and they made the duo do really gross sexual things. And if I were there, I would've been like, "Aw, sweet," but I wasn't. I think the fangirls died of heart palpitations, and then Sebastian and Ciel escaped, butt not before picking up some Preparation H at the drug store.

And then the hooker came back to life and took a shit on Ciel's eyepatch.