We have been married for 15 years, and we have a 13-year-old daughter. My wife is a working woman. Of late, I found that my wife was not her usual self. She would be absent minded most of the time and lost in her thoughts. Whenever I inquired, she would reply that it’s because of issues in her workplace.

One day she called me while I was at work and told me that she was behaving the way she was because she was sexually abused at work. I was too stunned to respond. I regained my composure after a little while and decided to speak with her once I reached home.

Once home, I discussed the issue with her. It turned out that it was not a case of sexual abuse but an intimate affair that she had with one of her colleagues that took place four years ago. I just couldn’t figure out why she would want to have an affair, as our relationship was quite healthy.

The reason she gave was that around that time, her company was taken over by another company and she was scared that she would lose her job. This colleague of hers gave her the emotional support and promised her that he would use his connections at the top management level to ensure that she doesn’t lose her job. Sensing her vulnerability, he pressured her into a sexual relationship. She said this went on for a year after which she stopped.

But she is feeling remorseful, and she wanted to clear her conscience by confessing everything.

Now, I am feeling hurt and betrayed. Never once in our 15 years of marriage have I strayed. I would have filed for a divorce, but I don’t want our daughter to suffer.

I just don’t feel like ever having anything to do with this woman. I am utterly confused.

I don’t want this woman in my life anymore but I can’t leave her as my daughter’s life will be severely affected.

I was blindsided by my wife’s cheating as well; it rocks your world. Sounds like you are pretty sure this is something you cannot let slide. Me, too. I had to divorce, as I am not in the habit of allowing myself to be abused and disrespected like this.

I would wait just a bit before deciding, but some of us know pretty quickly that this is a deal breaker. One thing I would encourage you to do is to confide in friends and family for support. In times like these one needs support.

Perhaps if you know of a friend or family member that has been through this, you could talk to that person, as those who have not experienced it (through no fault of their own) are simply incapable of understanding the extent of the trauma. It is seen by most therapists as the most severe form of spousal emotional abuse.

Make no mistake, you have been traumatized, and your wife is an abuser of the highest magnitude. She lacks integrity and morals, obviously and character is usually pretty well set by adulthood. I would not expect her to be any different going forward.

As Maya Angelou said, “when someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

Although I agree with Arnold that an affair is an abuse of the highest magnitude, IMO, good people can sometimes have an emotional break and do something out of character that they later regret.

There are many stories of people who had an affair but were remorseful and changed going forward, becoming a better spouse in the process.

You know your wife, better than anyone else, so only you can make the call on whether to stay or divorce.

As George stated, too, maybe a revenge affair would give you a sense of justice, but if it is not in your character to have a relationship outside your marriage, it might do you harm.

Arnold is right, too, about the need to find someone to confide in who have gone through infidelity.

Most people who have never experienced it, just can not understand the pain and ensuing doubt it causes in your life. It is “brutal.”

Our society tends to have a wink wink, attitude to affairs, but typically those who are winking have never been on the damaging end of infidelity.

With that said, regarding your wife’s reason for engaging with this man, and as someone who has worked in creative professions, in which layoffs are frequent and spurious, I can understand her being tempted to agree to an affair, in exchange for keeping her job.

Some careers in creative professions are “one of a kind” jobs that are difficult to replace and competition for decent paying creative type jobs is very high, sometimes.

I always resisted such offers, but I do know others who wanted to keep their jobs so badly that they caved to an affair to shield themselves from loss of a position that was precious to them.

I did not, cave, but the consequence was that I was soon hitting the pavement in search of another equivalent job.

I was well trained and good at my job, so I typically found new work quickly.

Still, creative people can be very insecure, and most jobs in creative professions have no protections for the employees.

So, depending on the type of job she had and her level of skill, it is plausible that she really feared she would lose her job and wanted to keep it.

Being dependent on a spouse for support is not a good feeling, and it can cause further damage to self-esteem.

As Arnold mentioned, do not make your decision right away.

Still, if it is something you know you can not live with going forward, then perhaps a divorce is best. Your daughter will understand if you are truthful about your reason to divorce.

The Opinions on this website are only those of individual users. Nothing on this website should be taken as financial, medical or legal advice.

Always seek the help of a qualified professional.

We use cookies on our website for analytics and ads. By continuing, we will assume that you agree.AcceptRead More

Privacy, Cookie and Ad Policy

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.

Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.

Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.

Insert/edit link

Enter the destination URL

URL

Link Text

Open link in a new tab

Or link to existing content

Search

No search term specified. Showing recent items.Search or use up and down arrow keys to select an item.