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Sunday, October 28, 2007

An entertaining yet draining weekend to end a frustrating week...

I just got back from Great Escape and I have to say it was fun up until the end in which a drama surfaced from the back of people's mind, but before I get to that, I have to say, I didn't accomplish climbing the rock wall...once again it mocks me...but I did get closer to the top before than last time (I think) and I did do the very top rappelling wall which was very fun and nearly hung upside down on the zip-line (if only my cap hadn't fallen off my head). I got some good quiet and prayer time in and was very well fed, though not sure how much I ended up resting. I got some good drawing practice drawing a Techie and three guys on the couch. I enjoyed the worship thoroughly and got to put my car to the use I had always intended it for- driving friends around, and well driving to work/class. Though I do have to say, if you are going to bring a GPS unit, you might as well use it rather than make a drive longer than it has to be but we got home safely although late and I ended up missing a meeting and church and I had a friend drive my car instead because I wasn't feeling too well so I shouldn't be complaining. However, I am strangely saddened by the fact that we didn't get to eat or mingle with the Techies anymore. I always enjoy the Techies' company. They are lots of fun! So I was thoroughly saddened by the fact that we had to cut our company short on the drive back. Well, before we even left there was drama in the air. Two good friends ended up in a bit of dispute with each other from miscommunication about their feelings. Now I am not picking sides, but I do think that things could have been avoided if there would have been some more frankness and less trying to hurt each others feelings because in the end, both got their feelings hurt. It is sad because now one of them has lost her desire to go on any more car trips with us and thus not being going to anymore retreats and such with us. I am not even sure she will be coming to the meetings either. It left me feeling very sad but more so because the one time I wanted to enjoy driving my friends around, instead we ended up being isolated in a sense and even worse feel guilty about something that we didn't even have much control over. As we got "scolded" by our staff workers, I kept wishing that I had been in another car and was with the rest of the group waiting to have the group pic taken. I know it sounds bad, but I couldn't even interject because I wasn't well informed in the situation and didn't want to make the situation worse and I really just wanted things to be...well, like they were when I first joined Intervarsity. Even though I had just gone to one meeting before Chapter Camp, when we road tripped to Salt Lake City,UT, I felt very welcome and as I belonged. That whole time in the car was the best I had had in any road trip. I guess I just wish things weren't so different. I don't know why but I have been feeling very down because nostalgia. Just the other day, I nearly cried because I realized how used to I was being walked back to my dorms by Isaac. Even if there was nothing ever there, it still was nice to be treated so chivalrously by a guy without needing to be asked. Perhaps, I am also not used to suddenly being the older generation at Intervarsity and having to willingly be patient has taken away from the relaxing atmosphere of Intervarsity. I know it's all selfish but I am just being nostalgic for the past. Change has not been kind to me and I just want things to get better. In the end things seemed to improve a lot, a compromise was made and people were packed in the cars and moved out and I had an enjoyable time. I got to learn more about my new friend Kyoko and even appreciate my car even more - for its smooth curve handling.

On another note, I have to say that I am saddened not to be graduating this May. It has affected me more than I thought because for the first time, my plans have been hindered. Even though I feel no rush to graduate, it is still a set back and I know some of my friends will be graduating and leaving me. I feel it a lot when I go to Intervarsity because it is then that I notice change th most - mainly in the different people there now. I feel like something is missing but I don't know what. I am feeling a little insecure to be honest because some people seem to have more time with each other and being in an apartment where your roommates don't necessarily talk to you gets pretty lonely. Perhaps, it is that need to belong ( in a family like setting). I also find myself recently questioning whether I want to be in a relationship. I find I enjoy hanging out with guy friends (aka Techies) too much to want to have to explain myself to a significant other. Yet at the same time, I do crave the attention from the one single opposite sex. I can't explain why I am having such contradictory emotions. I guess what I really crave is someone I could hangout with when I get bored. I find I get bored easily even if I have homework and studying to do. I have this strong aversion to both hw and studying which I don't remember having before; perhaps its because I didn't do much hw last year that I got used to it. It's not like I dislike it but something else. I really want to get back on track with my study habits but for some reason I have lost my resolve to do so. It makes me want to cry that I have become so careless that my grades have suffered immensely. Thoughts seem to crowd my mind a lot lately but I just want to get my groove back, per say.