Category Archives: Christmas Creatures

The other day I was rifling through my parents’ loft. Amongst the boxes of school work, Disney VHS tapes and tiny human clothes, I found a dusty old book. It had a rich, red leather cover and was as thick as a baby’s arm. Embossed in gold letters were the words: THE COMPLETE ENCYCLOPEDIA OF CHRISTMAS CREATURES by NIKLAUS VON STUFFINGBALL.

I showed my parents. They said they’d never seen it before and let me keep it. On the train home I flicked through the beautiful thing. Each page had a lovely description of creatures I’d never heard, that creep out only at Christmas time. Some of them are so magical I’ve decided to share one a day throughout December.

Unfortunately, according to the book’s introduction, when he wrote it in 1849 Niklaus Von Stuffingball couldn’t afford to pay an illustrator to draw the Christmas Creatures. So if any artists want to give it a go, just upload them in the comments. Whether you want to draw one or draw them all, you can draw them when you like – just flex those festive fingers.

The kind-hearted amongst you would probably look at the Chocolate Hog and feel sorry for it. With a perfectly cylindrical torso, no tail and zero legs, it’s easy to pity this Christmas Creature.

But there’s no need. The Chocolate Hog is thrilled to be alive. A lack of limbs allows it to do the one thing it enjoys the most – rolling down hills. And with the sweetest of sweet-tooths, this cocoa-skinned so-and-so gorges on its flesh until it meets the tastiest of deaths.

What more is there to say about the Seasons Greetindian Elephant that hasn’t already been said? There isn’t a superlative left in the English language to give this magnificently welcoming beast.

The second you step foot into its home, this loveable, giving, warm-hearted, selfless, huggable Christmas Creature greets you with a chocolate coin filled trunk, footfuls of mince pies and a tail load of sherry. Never has there been a more merry mammal.

With its large round tummy, long gangly legs and big chunky black boots, this intense thing is quite the slave driver.

The only Christmas Creature known to exist all year round, the Santa Claustrich “hires” vulnerable wildlife on zero-hour contracts to make it all the wonderful material goods their little paws can create.

The Nativiteagle can quite simply be described as nothing more than a show stealer. Consumed by all things theatrical, this majestic Christmas Creature travels the country putting on its one-man production of the story of Jesus Christ’s birth.

No matter how cringe or egocentric that may sound, the Nativiteagle has never left a dry eye in the house.

A spicy specimen. The Gingerbred Panda loves nothing more than a punch-up. Throughout the month of December this Christmas Creature wanders the land looking for the toughest of opponents to scrap with.

But despite its hard attitude, the Gingerbred Panda literally has biscuit bones and will snap at the lightest of shoves.