rant

These days I often wonder where i would end up in the future. Whether i’ll be successful or unsuccessful? Whether everything i’ve worked for until now is useless. Whether i’ve been born to be a loser so that the winners can stand out. I wonder what happens to people like me? So far i haven’t seen anyone successful people that are similar to mine.

By the way, this is not one of my self-pitying post. I just want to express what i feel about some things. You see, even as a kid, i have always been cast aside no matter what activities they have going on. Where do i go wrong? Don’t most kids easily make friends? Yet, why am i a loner even as a kid? Is it because i’m not as pretty or as charming as the others, or if i really was just born with the talent of being invisible? I never know. What it irks me is that, no one ever gave me a chance to prove myself (as a kid, i mean cause i understand as you grow older you have to find your own chances). As a kid, i believe that if i worked hard enough, if i prayed hard enough, i might one day outshine them and let the people that looked down on me. They are all getting more and more successful, but i’m still stuck in a rut. Why? Why am i always losing? Even though i tried so hard? Am i just meant to keep losing to them?

Crap, this ended up as a self-pitying post anyway. I’m sorry for anyone that has to put up with me. But I’m going to keep moving forward, working as hard as i can to catch up to them and eventually overtake them. Even if i keep losing. I’m not going back to being a mess like i was last year. Even if until the end i wasn’t successful, there is a small but sad consolation that at least i’ve tried. Then, i can finally accept my fate as a loser. Until then, i’ll keep fighting against fate.

I hate doing group assignments because of all the dramas that come with it. Why can’t people just behave properly even just for the sake of the damn assignment. Learn how to communicate guys. There has been a serious communication breakdown in my group of friends because of a group assignment. It started off with a small misunderstanding that later explodes like World War 3. Why it happens? It’s because one side don’t want to say that they are unhappy with the way the the other side is doing the assignment yet choose not to voice out and the other side don’t want to explain what they are doing. Oh my god!!! Why can’t some people just talk it out like civilised people? Angry people should go cool down themselves before saying anything because what you say now can’t be taken back. And i tell you there is a lot of bad blood afterwards. They said a lot of ugly things about each other that they normally wouldn’t say and obviously our friendship ( which i know would not last long anyway) suffers.

Fuck you!! This week haven’t been the best of weeks i have had. In fact, it was in the top 5 worst weeks of my life. Everything has gone horribly wrong and you have just triggered the bomb. I knew you weren’t a good person, in fact i know very well what type of ugly person you are, just someone who are manipulative as fuck. In my years as a loner, i have seen many of your type. They are the worst people around. Your type spread lies around, making them sound like the truth, all the while pretending like you are innocent.

You first spread horrible rumours about X, making others believe you and started to isolate X too. Do you even know how lonely and painful it is to be isolated? Do you know what it is to have a group of people you called as friends and the next moment they started to ignore you and started to keep you out of all their activities? Do you know people can get depressed from that and suicidal thoughts can sprout from that? Yeah, i agree that X can be sometimes a little rude (to me it sounds refreshing and honest, not a bit rude at all) but it is not that much that you can just spread baseless rumours about her.

For a while, I’m the only one talking to X. Then, you started saying around that i take X’s side and try to make the others turn against me too which thank god didn’t happen. I just only stand for what i think is right. Without friends, i can survive. In fact, i have survived so long without them. You can’t hurt me like that. But for X, it is different. You spread rumours about her, ridicule her and lastly told her to change when all she sincerely wants is to have some friends in the university and not play your nasty mind games. And for the record, the only person that needs to change is you. If you think you can make everyone stop talking to X, you are mistaken. She will always have a friend in me.

Lastly, do you think you can use me and after that throw me away like some second-rate friend that isn’t worth your attention and i won’t retaliate. If so, you’re wrong, i can be very petty and i hold grudges although i don’t look like it. Friends, i don’t have as much as you. Money, i don’t have that much as you too. I can’t talk as well as you (in fact I’m painfully socially awkward) hence i won’t win you in an argument too which is why I’m not that stupid as to confront you. But if there is something i learned in my years of observing people as a loner, is that one day you will really need me and i won’t be the bigger person and I will be unreachable. Now i just need to bid for that time to come.

You are just a bully. A bully that ridicules others to make themselves feel better. I don’t know if you know that, but i do know something. I hate you from the bottom of my heart.