The choice

“Let us be together. You love me and I love you. Why do you hesitate?” Saru asked me.

Feeling dejected at the question she asked me I looked at her, with the same emotion in my eyes that I have shown her every time she asked me the question. Helplessness. I couldn’t refuse her request, yet I cannot get myself to say yes. Why do I torture myself? She was the one person I’ve loved for longer than I can remember, yet still, I cannot get myself to be together with her.

“You know why I hesitate. I would have to leave my wife. I can’t bear the insults that come up after we become together” I replied. I have a wife. She’s really wonderful, to be honest.

“Forget those, are they really important? Do they matter if you are with me?” she asked, with those puppy dog eyes. This wasn’t the first time. I lost count about the hundredth time, I guess.

“You know why I cannot get myself to say yes to being with you” I said.

Her face lost colour. She was expecting me to say yes to being together, but for the longest time, I have been saying no. Her argument was that we would be happy if we are together. But how could I leave my wife? She rested on my shoulder, stopping her tears from flowing and trying to give me strength in this phase. She has always been that, and more, too.

After a while, I said “I should leave”. Although I didn’t believe I should, it was time to go meet my wife. I spent the entire day with her, so that the other part of the day, I can meet my wife. “Don’t go” she pleaded.

“I think it’s time” I said. “I’ll meet you tomorrow” I continued, as I got up and left. She looked at me with those eyes, I instantly understood what she wanted to convey. When you’re in love, you don’t need to say words out loud. Even silence could convey the message

I went back to my home and my wife, Varu, greeted me happily. She was oblivious to the fact that I was deeply in love with Saru and not her. I told my wife that I spend some time talking to Saru as she is a good friend to me and all the other nonsense that she believed in. I didn’t feel even the slightest of a pang of guilt that I was lying to her.

“How was your day?” she asked me. The usual questions.

But something was different today. I could feel some kind of guilt overcoming me. The weight of my actions has shown its toll. She had no idea that I would say this today. Neither did I, till that moment.

“I want a divorce. I can’t handle this anymore” I said, in my head.

In that moment, I knew that I couldn’t spend any more time with her. If I do, I’ll go crazy.

In that moment, I was faced with a choice. A choice I never expected to show up.