Bygone ben-wa ball

Gender:

Female

As a female, I'm always intrigued to find out about the coming-of-age experiences of the opposite sex. I love the JackinWorld Biographies because not only are they sometimes a turn-on, but they provide amazing insight into men in general. Though the majority of your readership might not care about a girl's masturbation experiences, I'm willing to bet some people might find female information a little interesting for a change.

I don't remember a time when I didn't enjoy masturbation. I don't have any fun stories about sudden epiphanies of self-pleasure; it's just been something I think I've always done. I have a very clear memory of being 3 or 4 and lying on the living-room floor on my stomach, my hands between my legs, rubbing away. I don't think I was ever punished for doing it, or even "caught" doing it, but eventually I became more discreet and confined my habits to my room, or to times when I knew I wouldn't be disturbed. As far as I know, my sweet Catholic mother still has no idea.

I had a weird sadomasochistic streak as a small child. I can't explain how this began, but I romanticized the idea of suffering, either in myself or in others. I loved it when people on TV underwent a painful injury, contracted a tragic illness, or were haunted by tormenting memories. Maybe the appeal lay in the dignity manifest in such vulnerability. Maybe it has something to do with being sexually abused (although that happened when I was too young to remember). Who can really explain where fetishes come from, anyway? In any case, when I'd lie under the covers rubbing against a pillow between my legs, I would imagine such scenarios involving me in critical condition in the hospital, or the Cookie Monster eating too much and getting a stomachache.

I always masturbated by lying on my stomach and rubbing myself on something, and I did so all through later childhood and adolescence. At first I couldn't have imagined doing it any other way — I didn't even know my activity had a word. I didn't understand that the compulsion to do it was sexual pleasure. I just did it and didn't think about it too much. It wasn't until 6th grade sex-ed that I made the connection between my nighttime activities and "masturbation." I was horrified and at first refused to admit to myself that I was actually masturbating, but it was one of those rather inescapable truths. I knew this activity carried a stigma when I heard the rest of the class laugh and make fun of it in sex-ed, or tease other kids about doing it. I became even more embarrassed and more discreet about it.

I didn't have much further sexual enlightenment until my last few years of high school, when I had my first serious boyfriend. The make-out sessions took a lot of getting used to. After spending the first 16 years of your life masturbating by rubbing on something, direct clitoral stimulation is a bit unnerving. I was uncomfortable with manual stimulation for months. However, at the same time, I was falling madly in love with masturbating my boyfriend. He was uncircumcised so we never needed lube, and I just loved playing with his penis.

At the beginning of college, I began to experiment much more with masturbation. I turned 18 and could go into the sex shops, where I bought a vibrator. I gave it to my sister as a gag gift, but curiosity made me steal it back (unused) just a few hours later. I went into the bathroom, turned on the sink to mask the buzzing, lay on the floor, and attempted to learn what all the vibrator hype was about. Because it was so serious and deliberate, almost like a science experiment, I found it to be rather unsexy and kind of businesslike — almost along the lines of inserting a tampon or getting a pap smear. However, when my boyfriend used it on me, it was infinitely more enjoyable. Maybe that's similar to the idea that you can't tickle yourself — someone else has to do it?

Around that time I also experimented with masturbating in the bath. I had heard a lot from friends who enjoyed reclining under the faucet, letting the warm water run between their legs and bring them to orgasm. We didn't have a detachable showerhead, and lying there with one leg smashed up against the wall and the other dangling out the side of the tub wasn't comfortable, let alone sexy. The water pressure at my house was low, so it was more of a soothing sensation than a stimulating one. I gave up, and after dressing I discovered that the vagina can hold water for short amounts of time before squeezing it out when you sit down. Anyone with logic can predict that if you hold a container with an opening under the spray of a faucet, water will get in, and turning the container upside down will cause the water to exit the container. I didn't see that coming, though. I never tried the faucet again.

Another experiment I conducted involved ben-wa balls. They sounded brilliant in theory, and I thought that if I could master moving them around, my vaginal muscles would get strong and I'd be amazing in bed. I bought some cheap ones from the sex shop, little iridescent things about a half-inch in diameter. Bravely I commenced the experiment, with disappointing results. I found I couldn't move them around despite any manipulation of my PC muscles, and the sensation wasn't very pleasurable. I started to remove them, chiding myself for wasting $15, when I realized I could retrieve only one of them. The other had migrated more deeply, beyond my reach. After about 30 minutes of sheer panic, contorting my body in every conceivable position and groping blindly around in there, I was able to remove it. I never tried ben-wa balls again, either.

I resigned myself to using the old tried-and-true method of lying on my stomach and rubbing against a pillow or my hands. It was always very enjoyable, but I found it wasn't very good if I wanted to masturbate in the dark with a sleeping roommate across the room. I couldn't do it without squeaking the mattress springs, so I spent years at college toughing it out when I was really horny at night. I grew accustomed to having furtive little sessions when my roommate had class and I didn't, and even though I've graduated, I still tend to get horny around two in the afternoon simply as a Pavlovian response.

I tried learning to masturbate the "normal girl" way, lying on my back and fingering myself. While this is pleasurable, I've never climaxed in this manner, although I've come tantalizingly close. My usual way works by indirect stimulation from applying pressure; normal fingering is more direct and localized stimulation, so it's like apples and oranges really.

I actually don't remember my first orgasm, which is sad because that's usually the best part of everyone's masturbation biography. When I was too young to have an orgasm, the sessions would taper off slowly without peaking, and I would lose the desire to touch myself. That feeling was such a letdown that I did everything I could to make masturbation last as long as possible. I actually didn't know much about orgasms until I started having sex and witnessing the actual physical process. I usually have my best orgasms when I picture every aspect of the biology of it all — I imagine the contractions in my vagina, the rush of wetness, the tensing of every muscle in my body. Focusing so hard on the sensations always yields a more powerful ecstasy than if I'm just thinking of porn or something.

I've outgrown my weird childhood fetishes, but I developed a fetish for male masturbation. I love watching and hearing men bring themselves to orgasm. This usually means I spend more time looking at gay porn than straight porn. I like reading erotic stories more than looking at pictures, but precious few authors spend a lot of time describing a man stroking it. Boyfriends are usually very accepting of this fetish, especially if they've dated girls who are personally affronted by the thought of such selfish solo pleasure. I like to hear my boyfriend give details about when and where he masturbated, what turned him on, and what fantasies he envisioned. This Web site has been heaven on earth for me for the past 5 years or so. I first visited because of my high school boyfriend; I had asked him how to give better hand jobs, and it just so happened that week's QOW responses were to the question "What advice would you give to a girl who wants to learn to masturbate a guy better?" I became a weekly visitor and a passionately avid fan, and I expect this site will be a source of information and gratification for years to come.

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