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Tuesday, November 5, 2013

He ain’t hebby, he’s my brudder

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, November 5st,
2013. Happy Erection Day to all of Our
American readers, and Happy Guy Fawkes Day to all of Our Englandish readers.

Speaking of Erection Day,
they appear to have moved Our polling place.
We used to have to walk two and a half blocks to vote; now, We have to
walk only half a block. Which is lovely,
because it is apparently fourteen degrees below zero out there.

Happy Birthday, meanwhile,
to Aubrey, who turns twenty-four today.
In Colorado, or some such place.
(Don’t even get Us started.)
Also, Happy Birthday to Kevin, who also turns twenty-four today,
somewhere closer to home (although more than half a block away, so don’t expect
Us to be dropping by for cake any time soon). And last but not Lee Strasberg,
Happy Birthday to Rachel, who also turns twenty-four today, possibly even
nearer by than Kevin.

But back to speaking of Erection
Day: Our “Picturing Gentle Readers Naked” Weeks appear to have hit a snag, in
that John, whose turn it is to be thus pictured, appears not to consult his
SitOnMyFaceBook with any regularity, and thus, is UNAWARE that it is his week
to be pictured naked. And, really, if
you don’t KNOW that We’re picturing you naked, what’s the point?

We would, consequently, move
on to Our next “Picturing Gentle Readers Naked” Week contestant, “Picturing MikeDoh
Naked” Week, but it occurs to Us that he is currently in Walla Walla, West Wisconsonomington,
where it is even colder than it is here, so picturing him naked hardly seems
fair, what with the shrinkage and the blueness and all.

Sigh.

(Meanwhile, We just went and
Googled “West Wisconsonomington’s weather” on Wikipedia, to see how cold it
actually is. They are having the exact same weather as We are! How is THAT fair? We demand a recount!)

Changing gears completely, The Little Show
That Could, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , will be returning for one night only this
coming Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage.
Get your tickets here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/499391 . Dammit.

This
just in: Children are our nation's greatest natural
resource. Keep a stockpile of them in your basement in the event of an
emergency.

And
here is the HorrorScope:

In
celebrity birthday news, Kevin Jonas (the ugliest Jonas brother) is twenty-six
today. We heard where the JoBros (that’s
what those who are hep to the jive call the Jonas Brothers) are breaking up. We’re not quite sure how that’s possible…they’re
still brothers, aren’t they?

Meanwhile,
it is also Bryan Adams’s birthday. Didn’t he used to be really hot? Because now,
he looks like cold shit on soggy toast.

Also,
if she weren’t (subjunctively) dead, Vivien Leigh would be a hundred today.

And,
just in case you were feeling younger than you should, both Tatum O’Neal and Andrea
McArdle turn fifty today.

You
may step on a few toes today — but this time, there’s nothing wrong with that. (Any
idiot can step on toes…it’s the people who step on testicles who get things
done.)

Those
with sensitive feelings are out of place, (Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.)

whereas
those who want to get things done are in their element. (But only if their element is Ruthenium.)

It’s a great day to get back in touch with
your culinary skills! (Well, good. Because We will be making meatballs later.
Because We are an old Italian grandmother.)

(You’re
picturing Us naked now, aren’t you?)

Your
creativity is itching for a way to express itself, and food is a wonderful
medium for expression. (Balls.)

(MEATBalls. Get it?)

Being
in the kitchen will give you time to relax. (Not if Dinah’s in there. Strumming on that old banjo. Till We are about
to go fucking nuts. Bitch.)

Let your mind wander as you concentrate on
whipping up a delicious dinner for your favorite person tonight — especially if
that favorite person is you!

(Sorry…We
were letting Our mind wander.)

Show
off your vision today, (Newsflash: Most people? Can see.
Idiot.)

whether
you’re messaging a special someone or updating your social networking page with
an intriguing new post. (Is it just Us,
or does that sentence desperately want to contain the word “soupcon”
somewhere?)

(Just
Us? Alrighty, then.)

It’s
what makes you unique that gets to them now. (And We are just about as fucking
unique as everybody else is.)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys
Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of
the Penn rowing team.