Thursday, May 8, 2014

When I went for my routine annual physical exam I figured it’d
be in spick-n-span shape, ready to carry on with my happy healthy little
life.Besides been told I need to lose
10-12 lbs to be considered in the “healthy” weight range, everything first
looked fine.Specimen of health.

Oh no, that was far too optimistic.Blood results came back with elevated liver
enzymes and all of sudden I can’t drink, take birth control, Tylenol, or vitamins/supplements.(wheel screeching….S’cuse me?) Well, that’s
shitty.Add to the list of other things
I shouldn’t have like dairy or wheat, I’m not sure what the point of living is
anymore.At least I had booze and sex as
other ways to self-medicate instead of cake and ice cream. But now
this!? Totally unimpressed over here.

So after a few rounds of blood tests and more inconclusive
results, the doctor requested an ultrasound.Sure, whatever, rub some jelly on my belly and take some blurry pictures.
So in a waiting room of a lot of preggers and one homeless man, I played along
and waited patiently for my ultrasound.

Do you know where your liver is?It’s behind your ribcage, all protected from
injury. I suspect that it’s because the Great Designer figured we’d destroy our
livers from the inside, we should probably add extra efforts to protect from
the outside. So when they want to do an ultrasound of your liver they get up
into your ribcage and go poking around while telling you to hold your
breath.You know what else is there….YOUR
LUNGS! You know what doesn’t feel good: trying to hold your breath when someone
is jabbing at your ribcage. But fine, I kept playing along.

But you know what, more inconclusive results, and I am not
playing along anymore. Next step is a biopsy of the liver when/if the next ELEVEN
blood results come back inconclusive.

My hot date tomorrow night has promised not to tell my
doctor about that glass of wine I’m going to have.That’s how I like to roll, living in a world of lies.