Rakhi Sawant for Prime Minister

02Nov

Although the time on her clock reads well into the 16th minute, Rakhi Sawant is still going places – like the unfamiliar pages of Filmfare. The interview, a rare one from a magazine devoted to its upscale Not-Your-Mummyji‘s-Gossip-Rag brand, starts off with Rakhi flipping out at the sight of the Louis Vuitton outfit and Ferragamo shoes the team has arranged for her photoshoot.

Not in the way they were expecting though:

“Which godown have you picked up these chindis (rags) from? There is no red, green, blue, purple, no glitter. My fans will think I’ve become a bhikhari (beggar) if I were to wear such clothes.”

I think I’m supposed to laugh at her, but honestly, I’m laughing at the magazine because they just got served. Whatever her faults, Rakhi clearly isn’t a brand-fucker. Eventually they seem to have got her into an oversized Diesel tee, and a Just Cavalli top paired with shorts from Mango. Couldn’t make her let go of her pancake though. One look and I already know this is going to be the best interview Filmfare has landed in ages.

Sure enough, she talks a little about hosting her version of Judge Judy, which seems to be more Jerry Springer going by the promos, and then launches into talk of how she’s let Jesus take the wheel:

Being an item girl doesn’t mean I dance around all the time clad in a ghagra-choli. I am a good human being, a God-fearing girl. Before taking up any work, I take permission from Jesus. If it requires me to expose, I refuse it. Like I refused “Meethi Chhoori” and Ram Gopal Varma’s “Phoonk 2″ because I didn’t want to expose or be part of a horror film.

God hates slags! Just in case you didn’t know. Various other meditations follow: she’s come to realize she’s a heavenly alien “here on a transit visa” after she read the Bible. Other things the Bible taught her –

don’t be a bitch

pay taxes to God (10% flat rate)

it’s better to be God’s kid than a star kid. Who’re all miserable failures anyway (especially that loser Hrithik Roshan who needs his daddy to make him movies)

be nice to your mom and she will ask for less money

don’t have “dirty sex” with drugs and booze when all you need is Viagra – “alcohol is Satan’s mouthwash”

the Devil is behind all the hate that comes her way

she’s now a national icon on the level of Amitabh Bachchan

Shahrukh Khan’s decidedly un-Christian antics at awards shows is proof that the world is biased towards educated elites.

Well, really. Who could argue with any of that? My head throbs just thinking of it.

Q. What about your love life now?
A. I am madly in love. I am married. Jesus is my husband.

Just call her Fraulein Maria. Jesus is her Captain but if some nice, clean-living teetotaler with perhaps no money but definitely much piety were to cross her path, she’d marry him. Not that she really needs him because, let’s face it, Jesus is a tough act to follow.

In fact, she’s writing a show about the life of Jesus Christ – she’s got about 50 episodes written already – but not a single channel will put it on because they’re all temples of sin, devoted to carnality and destined for Hell. And furthermore, if Ekta Kapoor wants the honor of working with her on this project, which might save souls unlike her usual sinful stuff, she can just approach Rakhi herself!

After all, is God visiting Ekta in her dreams to advice her about the sins of plastic surgery? Nope! That would be Rakhi Sawant, thank you very much. Who is now much more famous than this Mallika Sherawat person (lurking sadly in the pages of this very issue, saying outdated things like: “Obama is a stud!” Yawn.) who is only known for taking her clothes off.

Q. Where do you see yourself after five years?
A. I see myself in Lok Sabha as a clean politician. Without wearing khadi, I’m doing a lot of social work. But you also need power to make a difference. However, everyone wants me nanga (nude) on screen. But I won’t wear a bikini or short dresses. I’m not dying to do films, I’m doing reality shows.

Well, of course! Why didn’t any of us see this coming? Get ready for Prime Minister Rakhi Sawant in 2020. She’ll be the one in a spaghetti strap handloom saree at the United Nations General Assembly, mediating a Middle East intervention where the Israelis and the Palestinians get to bitchslap their differences out on live camera. Eventually, she’ll step in and make peace based on the hard-won experiences of her tragic life, after which they will all dance together to the tune of a Bollywood item number.

Oh, you scoff now but you’ll remember this post one day.

In other news, if you hear blood has started pouring out of the eyes of a Virgin Mary near you, please don’t be alarmed. Just hand her a hanky. It’s not every day a woman gets Rakhi Sawant for a daughter-in-law.

*died laughing*
I have to love the way Rakhi turned up her nose at the big name brands… isn’t that interview available to read anywhere, Ams?

sangs

November 3, 2010 at 9:49 am

OHMIGODD! its been ages since i read any of those mags, but did she actually say these things in an interview?? im trying hard not to laugh in office imagining these arabs around me dancing with rakhi sawant to bollywood numbers over their differences! would be a sight!

Veena

November 3, 2010 at 12:16 pm

Rakhi as a politician would be fun. Remember when Zardari went “you are gorgeous” over Sarah Palin? I can imagine him saying that to Rakhi and then being at the receiving end of Rakhi ka insaaf!

Jan

November 3, 2010 at 12:32 pm

I had no idea who this person is. And then I wiki-ed her. And now I just don’t want to know anymore.

Well, if my mom had her way, this woman would end up being my sister wife with Jesus so… I can’t hate on her. just in case.

ah that’s the thing of media .. mutterings which will land anyone in the asylum instead fetch you a filmfare interview .. she’s gone too evangelical it seems .. next you know there will be a rakhi show every sunday where she delivers her version of sermons

CheeC

November 4, 2010 at 5:58 pm

Hahaha. Talk of “bloody” Mary reminds me of the “Piss Christ” controversy of the late 80s, early 90s… Heard of it? (DISCLAIMER: What follows is highly NSFW, also don’t read if you’ve just eaten, are excrement averse, etc.)

You can probably Google and learn more, but it’s about this photo of a plastic crucifix dangled in a bowl of the artist’s urine. The said artist is “corpse and caca“-obsessed “National Endowment of the Arts”-awardee, photographer Andres Serrano, who generally loves to shock and raise a middle finger to the establishment every once in a while.

Just like our friend here, Rakhi Sawant (except I don’t think the latter’s tongue is busy being embedded in her cheek, so much as..er..wagging at assorted media).