THE CRANKY OLD MAN
Random thoughts and stuff from a cranky old man. Humor (maybe)and satire, mostly stuff from a confused head.
I intend for this blog to be non-political. If I offer a political statement, rebuttals are permitted, however this blog is not for the unsolicited political opinions of others and as such those comments will be deleted and not published.
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Wednesday, April 2, 2014

SHE'S OUTTA YOUR LEAGUE

SHE'S OUTTA YOUR LEAGUE

I may or may
not have ever mentioned this, if so I am mentioning it again.I have never been a ladies man.I’ve had dates, I’ve had girlfriends, hell
I’ve even had three wives, but I’ve never been a ladies man.Most women usually see past my exceedingly
good looks and charming personality and find something else way less good
looking and not so charming.So far Mrs.
C has not looked that deep and still finds me charming…I guess.Anyway, except for Mrs. Cranky I’ve never had
much success with women.

The reason
for my lack of success?I reached my
peak at thirteen.It's true; at
thirteen I was a very handsome lad.I
had a full head of hair; I had a powerful, athletic physique, a bright smile,
reasonably good breath and very little body odor.

It was at
thirteen that I had my first kiss.It
was behind a candy store.It was a no-tongue
kiss with the most magnificent female creature that ever adorned the sixth
grade.Not just the sixth grade in
Manhasset, Long Island, not just any sixth grade in New York, any sixth
grade…anywhere...ever.

The first
kiss at thirteen was with Heather Pintertail.

You may
think I made that name up as is my wont to do, but no, Heather Pintertail was
the name. She had long blonde hair with
just the right amount of curl.She had a
perfect face with a perfect nose, perfect ears and beautiful skin.Her eyes were haunting and her figure…Oh my
God she had a figure.At thirteen she
had a figure that women today spend thousands of dollars to construct.

Heather
Pintertail was a vision. She was female perfection, and at thirteen I had my
first kiss behind a candy store with Heather Pintertail.It was all downhill from there.When I turned fourteen, not long after that
behind the candy store kiss I developed pimples, and Heather Pintertail
developed a taste for older men.I
peaked at thirteen and with it my success with women also peaked.

A year after
Miss Pintertail decided she preferred older less pimply faced boys; I was
riding in the car with my older brother.Chris spotted Heather Pintertail walking by the road and almost drove
over a curb.He did not recognize her
from his high school because of course she was several years away from high
school though visually she would have been more than welcome.

“Damn!Did you see that?Who the heck was that?”

“That was Heather Pintertail.For a while, I thought she was my girlfriend,
but apparently I’m not good enough for her.”

“Good enough! Boy she is so far outta
your league you couldn’t even get a bleacher seat to watch her play.Don’t be too upset though, there won’t ever
be many in her league, and her league is nothing but trouble.Did you kiss her?”

“Yeah, behind the candy store.”

“Consider yourself lucky.You’ve kissed the best and it didn’t cost you
a thing.Girls that look like that are
trouble, with those looks everything comes too easy and ultimately they bleed
you dry.”

My brother
may not have said that last part but if he did he was right.

After my
behind the candy store kiss I have had many unsuccessful relationships.There have been many women who preferred
washing their hair over dating me. I have gone through a broken engagement and
two failed marriages.

due to characteristic social issues girls were off the radar until Queenie came along. interestingly enough once i cast my lot with her several came out of the woodwork to try and lay claim but she was the one for me. it works.

I'm always amused by your honesty when it comes to discussing relationships. It would seem that Heather gave you a valuable gift, one that you carry with you to this very day. This probably wouldn't be so if you'd actually had a relationship with her.

Better late than ever, even at 62. When I was in grade six we had a young lady named Evelyn André. Just....a goddess. It's a dim memory at this point you understand, but all the boys were in awe of her. Last I heard she had had a hand full of kids, and is no longer quite so "svelte" shall we say? Hey, sh*t happens.

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About Me

I am 70 years old, I have 4 children 45,42,40 and 18;and 5 grandchildren 13-6
. Divorced twice, married three times. I worked on Wall Street for 40 years after graduating from Lafayette College in 1968. I have turned to writing as since retirement I needed something to tell people "What the F*** I do." Published one book "Maybe It's Just Me!" available at Amazon, soon to release my second, "I Used To Be Stupid."
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