a while back i got an anonymous comment on my blog telling me that i'm obese and that i should watch out because fat people die young.

hi, anon, if you're here.

my first reaction was "jesus, who would say something like that?"

but then i remembered, this is the internet, that's what happens.

my second reaction was "really? that's the best you can do?"

because out of all the weird fucking things about my body and my face and my scarecrow hair i don't walk around going "jesus christ i hope these people don't think i'm obese". you couldn't have said something about my giant nose? my clown feet? my pony mouth? it had to be the one thing that i know for a fact does not describe me, nor have i ever thought it might?

i was going to ignore that comment. and i have done up until this point. but i was thinking about it and i realized maybe i should say something. because that's not right. i don't know who you are, i don't know if i know you or if i've met you or if i've wronged you in some way--god, i hope not, and if i have, please contact me so i can sincerely apologize. i've not been the best person, and i know that, but i'm really trying to give everyone the love and caring that they deserve.

my body looks the way it does because that is how it looks.

i am guilty of the desire for self improvement. i am guilty of the desire to lose weight. but now i think i'm going to look at self-improvement in a different way. i want to be the best me that i can be in the sense that i want to be good to myself, to eat well and exercise, but not in a bid to lose weight. in a bid to make my body healthy and my mind healthy. because if i'm not healthy, that's when we have a problem. that's when you can call me out. this was back when i was smoking--i don't know why this anon couldn't have said "smokers die young, you should do something about that." cos that's true. that's something i'm guilty of. i was hurting my body that way.

what about when i was cutting? no one called me out for that. no one sent me a message saying "that's bad for you, you should stop."

but someone stumbled across my blog, decided they didn't like me for whatever reason, maybe thought i was a little fat, didn't like my hips or my stomach, and decided to comment on that. they were offended not by something i was actually doing but by my appearance. and, anonymous commenter, and everyone else who maybe thinks the same thing:

that's for you.

on a side note, my biggest mental block about quitting smoking was the possibility of weight gain. and yeah, i've put on a few pounds. but it's going to be a lot easier to deal with the five pounds i've gained since quitting than the health problems i might have to deal with down the line if i didn't quit.

i kinda like myself.

and i know i'm healthy. i know i'm the best i can be right now. that's all i need.

i ended up spending more time at brooklyn renegade craft fair than i did at the mermaid parade but i was still plenty mermaided out! i wore this, which is my bathing suit--it's vintage from the family jewels, which is normally way out of my price range but i was lucky to score this in my size (very unusual for vintage) a month or so ago.

my hair's not that long. it's an extension. an extension that i had to cover with sharpie. it was a fucking process, and it got ink all over me.

funny faces

my necklace says "mermaid"

i ended up wearing this dress over it all. i got a lot of pictures taken :P

i made a really sped up video of how i dyed my hair extension (with sharpie). i have no idea if you can tell what's going on but you spin me round like a record and walk like an egyptian sound fucking hilarious sped up, so enjoy!

i don't really have a picture relevant to this post so here is a shoe i covered in googly eyes and glitter.

so i told you guys back in this post that i was going to quit smoking.

it didn't happen.

this past week, it did.

it was a lot easier than i'd expected once i decided i was going to stick to the decision to stop--i was a bitch for a few days but then not a lot happened. food tastes kind of weird now; other than that no symptoms or side effects.

it's been so beautifully hot that i don't really feel like i want a cigarette when i go outside, which has really helped. when it's super warm out the desire to set something on fire and then inhale it goes away.

i was reading in the park today and a man came up to me and tried to talk to me and wouldn't leave me alone. he was trying to talk to me about things that one should never try to talk to a stranger about and i, being the scared rabbit that i am, had no idea how to handle the situation and entertained his questions as long as i could and made up an excuse to leave and ran.

my style is a constant struggle between being able to express myself and avoiding the kind of attention i don't want. yes i'm wearing shorts. i'm not wearing shorts as an invitation to try to touch my arse.

i know i get attention from the way i dress.

it's not what i aim for. i'm sure a lot of people think it is, but it's not. i dress the way i feel comfortable dressing. i don't know why people take my hair or my clothes as an invitation to say horrible sexual things that i just don't want to hear. it makes me want to never leave my apartment again and i hate that because i've had to deal with so much anxiety and so much shit and i'm finally feeling like myself again and then someone decides to treat me like this and once again i'm nothing but my appearance.

i like my gradient, i think i'm just sick of staring at my own face. i'm not sure what to do. i've been all kinds of reds and pinks and i think that's what i want to stick to, because blue and purple have never done good things for me. i was blue last october which was probably one of the worst months of my life considering i was drunk for a month and so miserable i didn't want to function or focus on anything.

i like pink. i like red. i don't know whether i should go bright red again, though.

like i said, i like the gradient. but i kind of miss the red. but pink suits my personality.

i think about the attacks that happened over ten years ago in this city a lot.

it's unavoidable here. the fire station across the street from my apartment has thirteen plaques in memoral for the firemen who lost their lives when the towers fell. last year people left flowers outside of it. dozens of bouquets. i couldn't walk by without getting choked up.

this country and i have a love hate relationship.

religion and i have a love hate relationship. i have never been religious. but there is one very religious man who i hardly stop thinking about.

father mychal judge was a fdny chaplain who was counted as victim number one in the attacks. he went to deliver last rites to the victims of the attack and died when he was struck by falling rubble. there is a section of 31st street, quite close to madison square garden, named after him.

he was well known for accepting people not usually accepted by the church--members of the LGBT community, patients with AIDS, the homeless, addicts, and others.

i know a lot of people say that god is love but i think father mychal really meant it.

i took this when i went with my mom and sister to the 9/11 memorial a few months ago.

sorry for this sort of somber post. i'll be back to my dumb face soon!

the wonderful, beautiful edie pop (link) sent me a tote bag! she made it herself--it's so beautiful!

i received it as soon as i got home from pennsylvania and when i opened it i was so excited and touched i almost cried! thank you so much!!!

so i know summer vacation isn't (even close to) over but so far i've done a lot! i had a disastrous haircut but then fixed it to the best of my ability, got a new phone, cleaned my entire apartment, started work (which is amazing, by the way), ombre'd my hair (it was basically MAROON in a disastrous professional dye job... thats the last time anyone else gets to dye my hair... i had to wash it with dish soap until the colour lightened enough that i didnt feel like going out with a bag over my head), got new shoes which i will post about and a number of new clothes (including this massive motley crue shout at the devil shirt that i'm wearing here) that i will also post about... and so so much else. i've been having a really incredible summer thus far.