I can’t count on both hands and feet how many times I’ve been told I should write a book about my dating experiences. And since I am not a writer by trait, I never thought anyone would want to read a book by a non-writer, about her numerous years of dating highs but mostly lows. I’m not sure why now I’ve decided to write about my experiences, maybe because I know soon all the memories will be lost and all my stories will have vanished into thin air.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Mr. “Tell Me About Your First Sexual Experience”

My very dear friend Sarah,
and when I say very dear I mean my last single friend (who is now in a
relationship and has left me in this cruel dating world alone! No I’m not
bitter!), and I went to a singles mixer one night up in Manyunk. It was a great
event at a fun bar on the river with a good mix of people. I can’t say there
were a lot of men there I was attracted to but there was one guy who kept
making eye contact with me. Now when the pickings are slim you sometimes lower
your looks bar to a standard you would never go to on a good day. But hey it’s
not all about looks right? The personality can make or break a person, so
lowering my standards seemed like a good idea.

Mr. “Tell Me About Your
First Sexual Experience” approached Sarah and I. He was divorced, in his late
thirties and worked in pharma and did well for himself. No children which was a
huge plus especially since I was still in my late twenties and I couldn’t
fathom dating a man with kids. Now I can’t stress this enough when I say I was
not interested in this guy. He gave me the willies. There was something about
him that just didn’t feel right, especially when he told me the reason he got a
divorce was because “When my wife and I dated we were like rabbits, when we got
married the bed got cold.” Who says that to a woman they’re meeting for the
first time?

Now Sarah is the eternal
optimist when it comes to men and dating. Love her or hate her, the bitch can
find the tiniest, littlest thing about a person that is good and make it their
shining attribute. She pushed him on me, rattling off a laundry list of reasons
why I should give him a chance. Reluctantly, and against my better judgment, I
gave him my number and agreed to go on a date.

The date took place at
Dave & Buster’s, a great first date place. When I saw him I instantly
remembered why I wasn’t interested, he just is not an attractive man. When he
opened his mouth to speak that doubled. Thank God I was at D&B and there were
be plenty of distractions. This was the type of date where you want to get in
and get out as soon as possible. The type of date where you’d rather be getting
waxed…Brazilian style!

We shot some pool and made
small talk. A lot of his comments were sexual in nature or just plain inappropriate.
About thirty minutes into the date he asks me this question: “So, tell me about
your first sexual experience.” I looked over at him and wanted to club him with
my pool stick, but being the lady that I am I approached him and politely told
him he must have brain damage to ask a question like that. He said “So I guess
we’re not having dinner then” I replied “I’d rather stick a sharp fucking
pencil in my eye than have dinner with you.” Ok ok I didn’t exactly say that
but it was along those lines.

The ickiest part was when I
was getting ready to leave. He asked for a hug, and my dumb ass was like “Ok.” He
hugged me in a way where I swear he was trying to become one with my body. He pressed
into me and I felt like I had been violated. It was gross. It was like he was
trying to have sex with me with clothes on, in Dave & Buster’s on a Tuesday
night. It just wasn’t right.

I peeled myself off of him
and left. Within five minutes I received a text asking if that had been the
shortest date I’d ever been on. Why yes, yes it was!

He emailed me the next day
to let me know I should give him another chance, that he was just having a bad
day. I can only imagine the kind of questions he’d ask on a good day.