Sunday, March 03, 2013

Our topic this week was thoughts for the large number of people who are interested in kink, but not currently active. Here's what you offered.

Brooke: I honestly feel like it's all of those choices. I would suggest they do some research, figure out what they like, visit some forums and blogs, and just talk to people. Make friends who can understand that need and who you can go to for advice. I'd tell them to be careful, go slow, and not rush into anything when meeting someone new.

Joolz: Just as Brooke says. There are lots of websites out there for people to get an idea of what is happening. These come in the form of forums and information sites as well as blogs. The blogs you have linked here are a great start (and probably finish), Bonnie. I also would tell people to be careful and to make sure that they know what kind of things they want before they jump in. But then, perhaps, go for it!

Anon: I have recently become excited by the idea of my husband spanking me. I don't know how to bring it up. I don't want to scare him or make him think badly of me. Help.

You will find some tutorials linked from a drop down box on the right side at the bottom of this page. You might want to read and possibly share this one or this one. In any case, I wish you the very best!

Sir Q's mlb: I believe that life is short. Be adventurous, try new things and STOP worrying what other people (or your opinion of what society at large) would think. Read, comment, talk to your partner, join a spanking group - whatever suits your personality.

Relax, do no harm, and ENJOY!

Belle L: I would suggest that people not wait 32 years to tell their spouse their most intimate needs. My husband and I have always been very open with each other about our sex life, but even though he playfully spanked me or swatted me, I never revealed the need to be TiH. It just made me feel like a freak. Now I'm a 54 year old woman, and we are fumbling our way through this new lifestyle. My husband hesitates to cause me "pain," as I live with other pains. I think things would have been so much smoother if we had started earlier.

Julia: Thinking about a specific friend, I would tell her to do some research, but communication with your partner is most important. I would tell her that we talked for weeks without actually doing anything. I would tell her to be patient, not force it, but to have fun trying stuff out!

Six of the Best: All are excellent suggestions. But the most important advice I could give them is FOLLOW THEIR DREAMS. All of us have only one life to live.

Clementine: I am one of those interested people in need of advice. My only spanking experience before now was not so good. I blame myself, I didn't establish boundaries. I see that now and won't repeat that mistake. I'm now remarried to someone wonderful.

I need advice on how to establish rules. My husband isn't the best at remembering what I tell him. If I tell him "don't take the trash down on Tuesday because we're on a one day delay this week," he only remembers "trash...Tuesday...this week" and so the trash goes down a day early. lol So, with that in mind, would it be too much for me to make him a list of exactly what it is I want and have a list of no-nos and have him study it before we start? I'm not submissive and I am not sure how to make him understand that I like to be spanked, but my needs are very specific and I have some fears I'm trying to work through. I need to take this one step at a time. Thanks. :)

I suggest you start simply – Nothing fancy or detailed, and no pressure. Just have a little light fun experimenting together. If it doesn't quite work the first time, talk about trying something different the second time, and so on. If you demonstrate for him how much you appreciate his attention, I have no doubt that you'll soon be sailing together in some very interesting waters.

George K: We are who we are and the greatest gift you can give is your true self. Sharing my secret desires with Nina has made us closer and improved our relationship, but it is a journey that is still ongoing. I enthusiastically agree that everyone should follow their dreams, and don't wait until tomorrow to start!

Make Mine Red: I agree with Belle L and with Six of the Best. It took me 27 years to get brave enough to reveal my desires in this area to my husband. It has been awesome and I so wish I had done it sooner! You only live once, so make it count and follow your dreams!

Lea: I'd say life is short and go for it! Exercise caution and try to do a bit of research first to make things as safe and informed as possible, but give it a try.

Bob: I would direct them to the many excellent spanking blogs and try to answer their questions if I could.

D: I am sure 86% is true. In a long term relationship, straight sex will eventually become boring, and lose it's thrill, but there are many kinks that can keep it alive. Ours are moderate spanking and bondage, but both must be with the tacit agreement of both of us. S will yelp and wriggle as she is spanked, but this is part of arousing her to a sexy peak. The sight and feel of her bottom reddening and bouncing does the same for me. She also loves to be securely tied , in a exposed pose, so that I can have my wicked way with her, in any way I fancy.

Hermione: First, I would tell them they are not alone, that there is nothing unusual about their desires, and that they should pursue their dream. I would follow that up by sharing a little of my own personal experience, then would direct them to both my blog and this one, so they could read first-hand how enjoyable spanking can be.

Ronnie: I'd tell them to follow their dreams, do some research, and communicate with their partner. I'd share my experiences and answer any questions they wanted to ask. I'd also direct them over to this blog.

Curtis G: For those who are starting out and not in a relationship, I think the first thing is to know what you want out of spanking and your particular psychology. The second is to learn and communicate. Browse some groups, get to know which reflect how you feel about spanking and see what others say.

The third step is to explore with the people with whom you're communicating whether they are compatible with your vision and interests. Fourth, it would probably be good to join a group and go to a munch or a party and learn what you can from those.

When you connect with someone, know that the person on the bottom should have and take control of the scene, including establishment of a safe word. Also, be sure you know what you want - play, sex or its prelude, punishment, or discipline. Whatever it is, start slow and trust yourself as to what you want and get to trust your partner.

Jan: I would say to everyone, simply try it. Get reading about it, get some advice from the blogs, and don't wait a million years like I did to talk to each other. What goes on behind closed doors is nobody's business (except on the blogs where it is everybody's business!). Maybe read some spanking stories and just have fun.

Abby Williams: Everyone has already posted really good thoughts and ideas, so I will offer a recent personal experience, because even those who are established within their fetish may still sometimes become shy about trying something new.

When about a month ago, I suddenly found myself wanting to try using an actual BDSM-style ball gag, I wasn't sure how to bring it up to Mr. W. We identify with having a spanking fetish and don't really have an interest in bondage or other such areas. I do, however, frequently share my fantasies with him, so I let him know that I'd been starting to fantasize about being gagged during a spanking (and other administrations to my backside).

I explained fully why I thought it might be exciting, but also explained what I didn't want. I wanted to be able to have control over it, to get it out of my mouth if needed, to still be able to make sounds or even words. I talked a while before asking if he would be interested in trying it with me. He said he would, so we then browsed online to get an idea of what was out there, and then finally went to a few stores downtown so I could see them in person as well, to get a feel for size and texture. It made for an exciting day! We found just the right one together. After all the talking and exploration of the idea, when we tried it out, I wasn't afraid or embarrassed. I was just confident and turned on.

Tricia: I would do all of those things. Life is too short, enjoy every minute if it. I would reassure them they are most definitely not alone in their desires. Directing them here to this site would probably be the best advice of all. :)

Bea: I agree with Belle. Also, tell them that there are all different kinds of kink and that just because they spank it doesn't mean that they'll wind up doing extreme things that scare them. I never knew that. Every glass of water finds its own level.

Reece Seever: If you have a particular kink you want to explore, but you aren't sure whether your partner will accept it, I would recommend breaking the ice with something a little less threatening than an open confession about what you want. Maybe watch some of the kinkier offerings on cable, like "Real Sex" on HBO. Or, if there is a blog or internet site that caters to your kink, show to your partner and judge their reaction.

In our case, my own interest in spanking started with a segment on that fetish that I saw on a cable program. And, it was the Disciplinary Wives Club website that started my interest in DD. I worked up the courage to tell my wife about the DWC site, and she was surprisingly open to giving it a try.

Also, be comforted by the statistic Bonnie quoted. If 86% of the people out there are interested in kink, is it more likely that your partner is one of the 86% of kinksters or one of the 14% of pure vanillas? If you are yearning for some kink in your life, the odds are pretty good that your partner is too.

Bonnie: I think the other responses are perfect. You need to communicate effectively and often, research your subject, decide what you like, take it one step at a time and do it together, be safe, but by all means begin. I can tell you from personal experience that the rewards are worth the pain (in more ways than one!).

Thank you all for sharing these great answers. My hope is that some of the silent majority will be joining the ranks of spanking enthusiasts one day soon.