A French poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, “My life is such a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd and I’m as nervous as a cat.”

*looks longingly into glass of brandy sat next to a fireplace*************************************************************A lawyer and The Pope are both riding in the same cab when it is crushed by an 18 wheeler.

At the pearly gates, the Lawyer is swiftly put into a fantastic room with thousands of girls and a gilded, gold bed.

The pope is moved into a 2x2 metre concrete room with a glass of water and a slice of bread.

The pope says "Hey, What gives?"And saint Peter replies "Well, we have near 200 of you popes, but he's the first Lawyer we've ever had"

*looks longingly into glass of brandy sat next to a fireplace*************************************************************A lawyer and The Pope are both riding in the same cab when it is crushed by an 18 wheeler.

At the pearly gates, the Lawyer is swiftly put into a fantastic room with thousands of girls and a gilded, gold bed.

The pope is moved into a 2x2 metre concrete room with a glass of water and a slice of bread.

The pope says "Hey, What gives?"And saint Peter replies "Well, we have near 200 of you popes, but he's the first Lawyer we've ever had"

nice one

skinman {kan}Member

Number of posts : 3169Age : 72City/Country : over here&nbsp : Clan Member

An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen.

"Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches."

The judge replied, "How many peaches were in the can?"

She said, "Six."

The judge then said, "I will sentence you to six days in jail."

Her husband stood up behind her and replied, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

skinman {kan}Member

Number of posts : 3169Age : 72City/Country : over here&nbsp : Clan Member

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?" Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone." Man: "No sir, I was going 65." Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light." Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!" Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.) Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt." Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car." Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt." The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

Lady of Winter {KAN}Queen of the P90 - shooter of the AK47. Claymore expert

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, ‘intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand.

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the highway, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life-like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my life -like men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a State Trooper pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! "What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers."

skinman {kan}Member

Number of posts : 3169Age : 72City/Country : over here&nbsp : Clan Member

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day andwhen he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properlyand boom...

He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed throughthe sunroof...Went flying through the air andsmashed through my upstairs bedroom window".

"What a horrible way to die!".

"No no.. he survived that.. that didn't kill him at all.

So.. he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then.. he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up.

He's just dragging himself up when bang..

this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him..

crushing him and breaking most of his bones".

"What a way to go..

that's terrible!".

"No no.. that didn't kill him he survived that.

He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing..

he tries to pull himself up onthe banister but under his weight.. the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor.

In mid air..all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him..

pinning him to the floor..

sticking right through him".

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!".

"No no.. that didn't kill him..

he even survived that.

So he's on the downstairs landing.. just beside the kitchen.

He crawls in to the kitchen.. tries to pull himself up on the cooker..

but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water.. whoosh..

the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him".

"Man.. what a way to go!".

"No no.. he survived that.. he survived that !

He's lying on the ground..

covered in boiling water andhe spots the phone and tries to pull himself up.. to callfor help..

but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted..

wallop, 10,000 voltsshot through him".

"Now that is one awful way to go!".

"No no..he survived that..he ..."

"Hold on now..

"just how the hell did he die?".

"I shot him!".

"You shot him?..

What the hell did you shoot him for?".

"He was wrecking my house".

Lady of Winter {KAN}Queen of the P90 - shooter of the AK47. Claymore expert

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock..

and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time".. he thinks.. and rolls over.

Then.. a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?".. says his wife.

So.. he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door.

It doesn't take the homeowner Long to realize the man is drunk.

"Hi there".. slurs the stranger.

"Can you give me a push?"

"No.. get lost!.. It's half past three!

I was in bed!" screams the man as he slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.

She remarks.. "Dave.. that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violationsof the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in thefront seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Georgia ..3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Georgia.4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.5. 'Onced' and 'Twiced' are words.6. It is not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.7. 'Jaw-P?' means, 'Did y'all go to the bathroom?8. People actually grow and eat okra.9. 'Fixinto' is one word.10. There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is only dinner and thenthere is supper.11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking itwhen you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.12. Backwards and forwards means, 'I know everything about you.'13. The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning, 'Did you eat ?'14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what timeit is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH EM.16. A garden hose is called a "hose pipe".17. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.18. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,vegetable, grain, insect or animal.19. You know what a 'DAWG' is.20. You carry jumper cables in your car - -- for your OWN car.21. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco andKetchup.22. The local papers cover national and international news on one page,but require 6 pages for local gossip and high school football.23. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.24. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm.'25. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.26. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as 'goin'Wal-Martin' or 'off to Wally World.'27. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good stewweather.28. Fried catfish is the other white meat.29. We don't need no dang driver's ed. If our mama says we can drive, wecan drive, dag-nabbit.30. If you understand these jokes then you know what a boiled peanut is and actually eat them.

skinman {kan}Member

Number of posts : 3169Age : 72City/Country : over here&nbsp : Clan Member