Online Dating Isn’t the Likely Route to Mr. or Ms. Right: Study

Well, it’s a great way to meet people, but not for leading you to the partner of your dreams, according to a comprehensive new review published in this month’s issue of the journal Psychological Science in the Public Interest.

The authors, all academic researchers without any financial ties to dating services, combed through the literature on relationships (those begun both on- and offline) and other areas of psychology to take a stab at answering the question.

Using an internet dating site has the advantage over in-person dating in expanding one’s access to the dating pool. That’s especially helpful for people who tend to face more limited opportunities, such as working, single parents without much free time or those with a minority sexual orientation, says study author Eli Finkel, a psychology professor at Northwestern University. In addition, users know immediately that their matches are available and interested in a romantic relationship, in contrast to the uncertainties surrounding meeting someone in, say, a bar.

But, the typical online dating site — where individuals view profiles of those to whom they are matched based on certain characteristics or values — doesn’t improve one’s chance of meeting a compatible mate, according to Finkel.

That’s because it’s really hard to judge chemistry or rapport — so-called “experiential” information — from searchable information, like height, age and education. And, people may not even make decisions based on the characteristics they say are important — they might say kindness is important, for example, but then not go for the super-kind people any more frequently than someone who says intelligence is really important. Ultimately, this means that online services are matching people based on characteristics that haven’t been shown to predict relationship success, says Finkel.

A prime example is similarity, which some dating sites say is the key to finding a suitable mate and serves as the basis for complicated matching algorithms. In relationship research, similarity between couples doesn’t well predict the long-term success of the relationship. Rather, people simply perceive that they are more similar to people they like, says Finkel.

The take-home message isn’t that people should stop on-line dating, says Finkel. Rather they should “use the online dating site to get off-line,” he says.

Don’t spend extensive periods of time scouring profiles and interacting electronically. Instead, use the profiles to find people who look interesting or appealing, then relatively quickly try to meet that person — in a public setting, for safety’s sake — to assess whether that spark is there in-person, he says.

Those who like to go out and are willing to be spontaneous may find more success using new “mobile” dating options where users are see via smartphone who else signed up for the service is near where they are, and can immediately meet up for coffee to assess whether there’s chemistry, says Finkel.

Hello,I don't really have a big issue aticnrtttag men, its connecting on a different level than their attraction to me and finding the right man. I did not have such a big issue in my 20 s getting dates I was very bold in stating my needs and cut people off quick. I went out often and had lots of dates. Now in my 30 s I doon't like dates b/c when I get a bad date it takes a ong time to move n from the disapointment. This occurred after ending a 10 year relationship. Its taking so long to heal the scars and guilt from getting out and leaving him and all the fear and doubts I allowed him to put in my mind about finding real happiness without him. Now my issue with dating is procrasnitation I keep going back and forth about deciding do I want a man in my life b/c of my ex as well as a bad relationship from online dating a year and half ago. From those experiences I realize that I allowed myself to settle simply b/c the man was very persistant and all into me. However, I like the attention. I tried for years to change him to be refined and so on. That Paterrn of fixing men stayed even after I left. They pulled me to be what they want and I feel it brings me down b/c I settled in the first place. It has been a tug of war with me trying to uplift them, break thier addictions and/or give them ambition. It has been very frustrating ending with us both feeling resentful and feeling controlled. I broke if off the 10 year relationship 4 years ago and started dating 2 years ago here and there. I have learned that I was afraid to really love based on past heart breaks in college.I allowed my ex of 10 years and other guys in forthat unconscous reason to avoid heartbreak. I settled b/c would not love deeply. However, I end up feeling controlled b/c thee guys really like me and fight to keep me then feel trapped. I am starting to stop the habit of dating a guy just to have something to do b/c I'm bored or stressed out or because he is persistant or b/c I am lazy to go out of my way to meet men that I really want. However, now that I want a family and a more fullfilling relationship, I can't afford to just be pulled in by men I don't want to be with for the rest of my life or b/c I just think a guy is cute or whatever. Even in the past few years of being single I find that these types of men don't let go easily even if they don't want marriage they might want convient sex and block my opportunity for love when they feel me pulling away. It takes too much energy to allow myself to encounter this level of toxicity, indecision and or insecurity. I need to have faith that a guy with most of the thing I need is out there, sexual attraction on some level, intelligence, ambtion, some level of success and stability and a good personality who is ready to be in a long term thing. I guess I need to start dating again and to do a little more work knowing a guy while still dating others without sex. Also I need to keep moving forward and procrastination stops me. Also I look alot yunger than mid 30 s and so I attract young men who are not what can provide stability and also I stopped clubing b/c those guys are notfor me so its harder to find guys. I'm not a big fan of the net b/c those guys I have met seem to be the most needy. Moreover, my thoughts about the likelihood of getting a great life with a man vs a mediocre one are a bit negative. Also with also have an issues with setting boundries in the beging b/c at times I don't want to hurt the guys feelings and for the guys i do like I'm afraid they will go away so I might allow some stuff not sex of course . I have good dates when I allow myself to only go out with men that i'm at least a bit excited about. That is very rare that I find a guy who I want. At times I act too needy and then I don't use my head b/c he can be toxic or whatever. In learning to have faith I am able tocut off even the guys I get excited about if they don't want same thing that I want instead of allowing them to use me hoping to get love envetually. My biggest issue with any type of date is ending the date gracefuly without the man pushing my boundries sexually or feeling that i dismissed him and am not that into him. Then later feeling angry at him and venting it out of fear that he is no good and ending it. That was alot. The last paragrapgh is where I am now. I need to put myself in places to meet guys on my level of education and not get so upset at them if the test my boundries ,but, set boundries and keep dating many men who are similar to what I feel I can envetually marry and be happy with. My dates end up being a disaster when

9:21 pm March 13, 2012

Moses Melikian wrote :

I may keep coming back later on to check out out your some other posts.

6:45 pm February 8, 2012

Me wrote :

I have been on eHarmony for a month and half and gone one two less than spectacular dates. I think a lot of people put "fluff' in their profiles to make themselves feel better. Maybe I'm being to cynical, but I just don't think it is working for me. I am a 40 year old man who has been divorced over a year and finally decided it was time to get back out there. I don't think I will be renewing my membership at the end of the month. In the meantime, I built a site called http://www.helpmefindagoodwoman.com to help me chronicle my online dating experiences as a forty year old man. At the very least, it's a good outlet for me and might even make someone laugh at some of my experiences. I think I will just leave it up to fate and circumstance for the time being.