Dealing with Non-Assertiveness

Learning how to behave assertively is all very well but how do you deal with non-assertive behaviour in others?

Every interaction is at least two-way, and learning how to deal assertively with others’ non-assertive behaviour is an important skill.

The temptation is to respond aggressively or passively to other people’s passive or aggressive behaviour. This may be particularly the case if they make you angry.

This page, however, explains how to deal effectively and assertively with both passive and aggressive behaviour.

Dealing with Passive Behaviour

People often behave in a passive way because of low self-esteem or confidence. By behaving assertively, you should aim to make clear that the other person's contributions are valued, and therefore improve their confidence and self-esteem.

Remember that it is possible to value someone's contribution without necessarily agreeing with it.

As well as being more assertive ourselves, assertiveness should also be encouraged in others so that they can communicate their ideas and emotions freely without feeling under pressure to say certain things.

Assertiveness in others can be encouraged by using well-honed interpersonal skills such as listening, questioning, reflection and clarification.

Some ways to demonstrate that you value the other person's contribution:

Encourage their contribution through open questioning, by asking their opinions, and by drawing people into the discussion in group situations.

The more a person is able to contribute and feel that their contribution is valued, the more they will feel valued as an individual. The experience of positive feedback will help to increase a person's self-confidence. The whole chain of events should enable the person concerned to overcome any passive reactions and behave more assertively.

Top Tip!

If you know that someone tends to behave passively in a discussion or decision-making group, then take time beforehand to discuss their views with them. If you know how they feel, you can help them to express those views in the group.

Dealing with Aggressive Behaviour

Handling aggressive behaviour in others is particularly difficult when it is accompanied by negative attitudes.

To avoid responding defensively or aggressively, self-control is required. It should be noted that aggressive behaviour here refers to verbal and non-verbal messages and not to any form of physical violence.

Maintain self-control. Although anger can sometimes be a positive force, responding in a similarly angry manner will do little to discourage aggression. If appropriate, be prepared to take time to think over issues before entering into discussion. It might be helpful to say something like, “I need time to think about that” or “Can we talk about this tomorrow when we have more time?”.

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