"Terror Has Teeth" A B-movie Review

Where do I start? OK, quick synopsis time. Man falls in love with woman. Woman is eaten by alligator in Louisiana swampland. Man seeks vengeance on croc. You with me still? Good, cause shits about to get weird. Man finds the beast’s lair and the torn, chewed up, and disembodied remnants of his (its?) victims. Our poor Romeo then eats these aforementioned parts AND the alligator, with his bare hands. Of course, anyone who knows biology or science knows that inevitably this man will now become a man/alligator. And the locals will lovingly refer to him as Lockjaw. Neither of these events really made any sense or garnered any clarification later on...because science...

Now let me throw another layer in there. Our Romeo and Juliet? Grimley Boutine and his sister Caroline, two remnants of a long lost clan who thrived on incest and who in fact were expecting their first inbred child. How sweet. Now in typical horror fashion, we move to present day. A group of college coeds on a road trip from Texas to New Orleans decide to take a shortcut through the backwaters.

Along the way they stop at your typical hillbilly hell filling station where they meet three deplorable locals who tell them the story of Lockjaw. And, per the course, they decide that instead of heading directly to the place they know will be a great time they instead decide to camp out at the old Boutine cabin. Now the next 20-30 minutes is filled with the typical jazz, drugs, alcohol, a romantic love scene, Lesbian sex, and one of the teens turns out to be a weird voyeur who enjoys watching other couples with binoculars while being jerked off by another of the group. Most of you are now searching Netflix at a frantic pace but…

I don’t want to give away too much but be forewarned I hardly considered this a horror film. The finale is wrapped up quickly and in a manner that would bring a tear to M Night Shyamalan’s eye (if you’ve read any reviews of “After Earth” you will know this isn’t a compliment). It felt rushed and maybe even a little coerced. The lack of slashing in this slasher flick was a huge letdown especially since the biggest gross out scene occurs at about the 70 minute mark and looks like it was coordinated in the backroom of a Halloween USA store. There was a lot going on but most of it felt like it had been written in purely for shock value. Unfortunately, the script fell short and the acting was even worse and this was reflected in its dreary box office turnout, which ended up being the 2nd worst film opening of ALL TIME for a film on 1500 screens.

This B movie gets a solid F: Even with Sid Haig, this flick isn't even campy enough to be entertaining, and that, my honeys, is a real feat.