Monday, October 25, 2010

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, September 22, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

It was an amazing week for idiocy in America. I don’t know where to begin. Glenn Beck said that evolution is "ridiculous," cause he’s never seen a half man/half monkey. Christine O'Donnell did not know that the 1st Amendment was in the 1st Amendment. We are truly one nation, indivisible, on the short bus.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Coons quoted the 1st Amendment, "government shall make no establishment of religion." And Christine said, "That's in the First Amendment?" No, it's in Genesis, looney tunes.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Carl Paladino … He left before the debate was over to go to the bathroom. This is the best ad for FloMax I've ever seen.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

You can’t please all of the war criminals all of the time.
- George Clooney regarding Omar al-Bashir accusing him of encouraging war

I’m not quite sure that we’re in a position to be bombing or attacking another Arab/Muslin country.
- George Clooney regarding using diplomacy in Sudan

This movement, the Sudanese movement, Darfur, the North/South agreement, were really truly embraced by the right even more so than the left.
- George Clooney

I’ve never seen an election cycle with more ignorance than in this one.
- Rob Reiner

He [Hitler] was charismatic and they were having hard economic times, just like we are now. People were out of work. They needed jobs. And a guy came along and rallied the troops. … My fear is that The Tea Party gets a charismatic leader. Because all they’re selling is fear and anger and that’s all Hitler sold. I’m angry and I’m frightened and you should hate that guy over there. And that’s what they’re doing.
- Rob Reiner

She’s a twenty-five year substitute teacher who this week announced she’s Asian. A Libertarian who’s for alcohol prohibition. A Christian values grandma who promotes Scientology. From Las Vegas Nevada, luck be a looney tonight, it’s Sharon Angle. Now Sharon is most famous for suggesting that if Harry Reid beats her in the election, somebody should shoot him. How else does one interpret her call for 2nd Amendment remedies? Which angered liberals and caused Christine O’Donnell to ask, “There’s a 2nd Amendment?”
- Bill Maher in a special segment, “Craziest Candidate”

She says rape victims should have the baby because it’s part of God’s plan. Finally, a candidate with the courage to stand up to rape victims.
- Bill Maher, regarding Sharon Angle, in a special segment, “Craziest Candidate”

Alvin brings unique ideas to the Democratic bench, like his unemployment program which involves creating jobs by having people, I’m not kidding, make action figures of him.
- Bill Maher, regarding Alvin Greene, in a special segment, “Craziest Candidate”

Alvin doesn’t speak in soundbites. In fact, he doesn’t speak at all. His stump speech is five minutes of clearing his throat followed by a blank stare. Yes, his quest for office broke all the rules. He made no speeches. He did no campaigning. He shook nobody’s hand. And it turns out that’s exactly what South Carolina was looking for, a black man who’s invisible.
- Bill Maher, regarding Alvin Greene, in a special segment, “Craziest Candidate”

Are you rooting for her on “Dancing with the Stars?”
- Rob Reiner
Yes I am.
- Levi Johnston
- An exchange regarding Bristol Palin

I’m a big fan of Trojan these days.
- Levi Johnston

We’re debating on that one.
- Levi Johnston, in response to Bill Maher asking whether he’s a Republican or Democrat

New Rule: If you married a manic depressive, three of your children died, and while you were president civil war broke out and someone shot you in the head, your coin really shouldn't say "In God We Trust."
- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment, regarding Lincoln on the penny

New Rule: Designers of women's Halloween costumes must admit that they're not even trying. They just choose a random profession, like nurse or referee, and put the word "Sexy" in front of it, thereby perpetuating the idea of Halloween as a day when normally shy women release their inner slut and parade around like vixens and I just completely forgot what I was complaining about.
- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment

Friday, October 15, 2010

New Rule: If a Woman Rejects Your First Dozen Advances, Don't Send Her a Picture of Your Penis

New Rule: If a woman rejects your first dozen advances, don't up the ante by sending her a picture of your penis. This week, we found out that Vikings quarterback Brett Favre allegedly tried to get with a young woman by sending her MySpace messages, voicemails, and notes through a friend, and when none of that worked, and it was third and long -- though, not as long as most of us would have imagined -- he decided to throw the Hail Mary and sext her pictures of Little Brett to close the deal. Brett, I get it: Your dictionary doesn't include the word "quit" or "retire" or "married" but you've got to at least understand "punt." You know the worst part about having sex with Brett Favre? He keeps saying he's finished, and then he comes back to drag it out for another year.

To me, this story isn't about sports or sex or how necessary caller ID is -- it's about how pathetic and clueless white American males have become. Because the kind of guy who thinks there are women out there who just, cold, want to see your cock, is the same kind of guy who thinks Sarah Palin is swell and tax cuts pay for themselves. I will explain that connection further, but first let's just dwell for one more moment on how stupid it is to forget that in 2010 when you text someone a picture of your genitals, you're not just sending it to that person, but to every person she has in her contacts... and then everyone on the planet who has access to the Internet. Somewhere right now there's a tribesman in Samoa thinking, "Brett Favre is texting a picture of his dick to a woman? That shit never works."

And he's right -- no woman in the history of mankind has ever wanted to see a picture of a penis. Go back to the earliest cave paintings. The very first one is of a cock, and after that they're all antelopes and sunrises. But for some reason men persist. Why? Because men have always been in charge, especially white men. Brett Favre is like a lot of white males: he's owned the world for so long, he's going a little crazy now that he doesn't. Also, like many white men across the country, he lost his job to a Mexican, (i.e. Jets Quarterback Mark Sanchez).

If Brett Favre's penis could talk, what would it say? Well, other than, "No photos please," I think it would say, "I'm not a witch. I'm you." Because for hundreds of years white penises were America. White penises founded America, they made the rules and they called the shots in the workplace, in the home, and at the ballot box. But now the unthinkable is happening. White penises are becoming the minority: 2010 was the first year in which more minority babies were born in the U.S. than white babies. This is what conservatives are really upset about -- that the president is black, and the best golfer is black, and the Secretary of State is a woman, and suddenly this country is way off track and needs some serious 'restoring.' If penises could cry -- and I believe they can -- then white penises are crying all over America.

And that's where this crew comes in; Sarah Palin, Christine O'Donnell, Michele Bachmann; the lovely MILFs of the new right. And their little secret is that their popularity comes exclusively from white men. Look at the polling: minorities hate them, women hate them -- only white men like them. I'm no psychiatrist, but I do own a couch, and my theory is that these women represent something those men miss dearly: the traditional, idiot housewife. Writing on your hand is sheer Lucy. If an election between Obama and Sarah Palin were held today, and only white men could vote, Sarah Palin would be president. Did you know that in 1788, when there were four million people in America, only 39,000 of them -- the richest white men -- got to vote? That doesn't sound good to you? Well, what if I threw in a picture of my cock? Which brings me back to Brett Favre, and I think it's worth noting that in one of the alleged photos of him, he's pleasuring himself on a bed while wearing Crocs. And if you think about it, is there any better metaphor for the sad state of America today than an over-the-hill white guy lazily masturbating in plastic shoes?

Following are quotables from Real Time with Bill Maher for Friday, October 15, 2010. Real Time with Bill Maher airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

A very joyous week. A week where the whole world was watching a bunch of men trying to climb out of a hole they dug for themselves but enough about the Democrats. Lets talk about those Chilean miners.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Michael Jackson could have come back from the dead with Jesus and you wouldnt have seen it on TV this week. Americans love Chilean miners. I havent seen so much hoopla about an endless procession emerging from a scary hole since the Octomom.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

One guy had four women waiting for him; there was the wife he never divorced, then there was the woman he lives with, then there was his current girlfriend and then the baby mama. He is now known as the Tiger Woods of mining.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the release of the Chilean miners

They asked her to name a Supreme Court case that she disagreed with; she said Kramer vs. Kramer.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the Delaware debate between candidates Christine ODonnell and Chris Coons

The Obama administration had quite a day today annihilating the people who might vote for them. They appealed the ruling striking down Dont Ask, Dont Tell, even though they are supposed to be for striking it down. And then they said even if California legalized pot, the feds would still come in and bust people. But in fairness to Obama, it is an election year and Democrats cant afford to be seen being for freedom or equality.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

He convinced Newt Gingrich and I to go on tour together. Thats how much he believes in bringing people together.
- Rev. Al Sharpton regarding President Obama

People earn what society is willing to pay them. We have multi-millionaire athletes because people will go and pay $80, $90, $100, $150, $200 for a sports ticket. But yet, at the same time they dont want to put that sort of effort on backing within our educational system and our teachers dont make as much. This is a societal problem. People value entertainment more than they do their kids education.
- Dana Loesch

New Rule: I'm all against bullying, but the makers of Glee can't promise to fight back with a special episode about the problems of gay teenagers since every episode of Glee is about the problems of gay teenagers. It's like making a special episode of "House" where someone gets a weird disease, everyone misdiagnoses it, and then House shits on them and figures it out.
- Bill Maher in his New Rules segment

New Rule: Jerry Brown must stop apologizing for being in the same room when someone called Meg Whitman a whore. If you wanna see a woman really get mad, compare a whore to Meg Whitman.
- Bill Maher in his New Rules segment

Friday, October 8, 2010

Following are quotables from Real Time with Bill Maher for Friday, October 8, 2010. Real Time with Bill Maher airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

What is it with conservatives? Seriously, Im not trying to be partisan but it seems like if theyre anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If theyre anti-gay, they turn out gay. If theyre super Christian, theyre a witch.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

She is behind and I dont think its the witch stuff. I think its because of her anti-masturbating stance. Shes very serious about that and you know people in Delaware are going come on, I live in Delaware, what else am I suppose to do?
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

You mess with Todd Palin, you could wake up with a horses ass in you bed, like he does everyday.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

There are thousands of myths in the world. None of them are better than any of the others. Some of them are a lot more poetic than that one, but thats all you can say.
- Richard Dawkins regarding the Bible

There is no logical pathway that would lead you from Atheism to doing those terrible things. There is a logical pathway that would lead you, either from a Christian religion or from one of the State religions like Nazism, like Stalinism and so on. You really can justify doing those awful things if you believe something as strongly as religious people do.
- Richard Dawkins

I spent 40 years as a writer and now Im a content provider and content is free on the Internet. Im supposed to like Al Gore for that? The Internet was invented by academics and military groups; by Commies and Fascists.
- P.J. ORourke

She came right out and said shes not a witch. Has Hillary Clinton ever cleared that up?
- P.J. ORourke regarding Christine ODonnells newest Im Not a Witch campaign ad

Asinine. That is absolutely asinine and to make a campaign ad entirely about it, absolutely stupid.
- S.E. Cupp regarding Christine ODonnells newest Im Not a Witch campaign ad

We conservatives believe government is bad and weve got the candidates to prove it.
- P.J. ORourke

He said he actually got involved with this with his teenage son, a father and son bonding thing. I guess the Boy Scouts were all filled up.
- Joshua Green regarding Candidate Richard Iott (R-OH) being involved in a Nazi re-enactment group

How come a guy in a cave gets it better than every Republican voting for the Senate?
- Bill Maher on Bin Ladens statement acknowledging global warming

New Rule: Don't keep the super glue next to your eye drops. An elderly woman in Phoenix was reaching for her cataract medicine and - yes, she super glued her eyes shut. And, after seeing what had happened, her husband of many years took the superglue and moved it next to the toothpaste.
- Bill Maher in his New Rules segment

New Rule: Now that Michael Vick is injured, and can't compete on Sundays, he must be put down.
- Bill Maher in his New Rules segment

Friday, October 1, 2010

Following are quotables from Real Time with Bill Maher for Friday, October 1st, 2010. Real Time with Bill Maher airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

Today we found out that a third college that she said she attended has no record of ever knowing her. Im starting to wonder if she ever really went to Hogwarts.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue about Christine ODonnell

Obama has been now finally getting on the campaign trail trying to help [Democrats]. Their big plan is a series of what they call backyard visits where the President speaks to people in their backyards in Middle America. Because nothing calms the fears of Middle Americans like having a black man suddenly appear in your backyard.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Yesterday he said the networks were run by Jews. And today, Rick Sanchez was fired; as Meg Whitmans housekeeper.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Clip from Politically Incorrect 7/9/99:
ODonnell: I was dabbling into every other kind of religion before I became a Christian.
Maher: You were a witch.
ODonnell: I was. I was
Maher: You were
ODonnell: I was dabbling in witchcraft. I dabbled in Buddhism. I would have become a Hare Krishna but I didnt want to become a vegetarian, and that is honestly the reason why, because Im Italian and I love meatballs
Maher: Boy are you spiritual.

He made a speech recently where he broke down and cried like Glenn Beck does.
- Bill Maher regarding Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai

You see whats happening and its only happening in one party, the Republican Party. There you get a bunch of amateurs who are really angry at the Establishment, who are overturning them in primaries, and amateurs dont make very good politicians. In fact, they make prohibitively weird politicians.
- Joe Klein

The problem with President Obama was he could have nipped this right-wing populism in the bud if he had hit jobs and homes early on and not allowed them to use that as the objects of their organizing.
- Cornell West regarding the Republican right-wing

Democrats always have Congressional experts as their Chiefs of Staff which leads Democratic presidents to be really concerned about every last provision in a 2000 page health care bill but not concerned enough about leading and transcending the sausage making in Congress.
- Joe Klein