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Holy Shit, I'm Hilarious.

Look, I don't like to brag, but sometimes, my posts on Facebook are hilarious. Don't believe me? Here's a sample from the first 14 days in October:

After several travel delays, my flight was
making its descent into PHL, and since I had to stow the Kindle, I hit
up the crossword puzzle in the Sky Magazine. Number 14, Down. Five
letters. Clue: "Stick between the legs?" Well, P-E-N-I-S fit, so I
wrote it in Sharpie, all caps. Take that, Will Shortz. No idea what
the actual answer is. I'll look it up on the flight home *.

Inexplicably, my two final flights of this
trip have me seated in First Class - Priority Boarding, a special line
in security... I know better than to get used to it, but I can't say I
minded giving a benevolent smirk to the peons who boarded the plane
after me, trudging their way back to coach. Yes, you simple fools - the
white wine tasted as refreshing as it looked.

One last tangential observation about this
week's travel. Pennsylvania is home to two snack companies: Herr's and
Utz. Said together, they sound like noises Lola makes when she coughs.
Hhhhhhherrrr's! Uuuuuutz! I'm sure the chips, pretzels and cheese
balls are probably delicious.

It's
not that I enjoy shopping at a place called Dress Barn, but admittedly,
if you need a dress, and you don't want to spend a ton of money, you
could do worse. I just think it would be more honest to call it "You're
Cheap and Not Especially Picky".

I appreciate that my colleagues are embracing
the season with some sort of scented potpourri device, but honestly, if I
wanted to smell synthetic apple-pumpkin mystic cinnamorgasm, I'd go
hang out in the gift shoppe at Cracker Barrel - because at least there,
I'd have easy access to biscuits and hashbrown casserole.

I'm considering Botox. Not because I want to
look younger, but to take the effort out of looking surprised all the
time. The looking younger part would just be gravy.

My friend Rosie and I kept switching back and
forth between the debate and Project Runway (priorities, people!) -
based on that, what I'd really like to see for the remaining debates is a
format where the candidates are put up on the runway and grilled by
Nina Garcia, Michael Kors and Heidi Klum. Maybe throw in a wacky guest
judge (what's RuPaul up to next week?) to keep it real.

On that one, I actually commented, too:

I'm
sorry, what I should have said was, "CFDA Lifetime Achievement Award
Winner Michael Kors". I think that's a contractual obligation of the
show.

Big Fall Pledge Drive this week on Nashville
Public Radio. I'm tempted to call in and ask how much I'd need to
donate to receive the Nina Totenberg Totin' Bag, but what are the odds
they've heard that one before?

Naturally, the people at NPR are waaaay ahead of me.

So, I started thinking I should have a theme
menu for the debate Tuesday: Chicago Dogs for Illinois, Boston Baked
Beans for Massachusetts - a little Hawaiian Pineapple and Michigan
Cornflake Cookies for dessert. It's when I starting trying to choose
between Freedom Fries or Dictator Tots that I realized... I have a
problem. I also have a full-time job, so instead of a theme menu, I
think I'll just throw something in the Crock-Pot, call it "Melting Pot
Surprise" and let that be it.

*Turns out, the correct answer was broom.

So yeah, I'd say I'm pretty damn funny. Now how to channel this to take over the world?