The characters
in this play are absolutely fantastic, and the use of real names or real
events, including events related to the real names, is intended only for the
sense of authenticity, and not for informational purposes.

Any
resemblance between any character in this play and any real person is but in the
imagination of the reader, and/or by the reader’s familiarity with another
person.

This play
should not be regarded as a documentation of any real event, but only a
fictional drama, bound to artistic values.

___________

Bibi and Saraleh Netanyahu Sell a Used Car to the Iranian

Personae
operandi (by order of entrance to stage for the first time):

SARAH NETANYAHU, Israel's prime minister's wife

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU, Israel's prime minister

FEMALE VOICE

HASSAN ROUHANI, president of the Islamic Republic of Iran,
formerly Persia.

Col. TAREK ABU-BAKR AL-SHARKIYA, pilot

Lt. MAHMOUD IBN-SAUD, co-pilot

BODYGUARDS

DAN MARGALIT, reporter

EHUD YAARY, reporter, Arab and Mid-East affairs

DROR EYDAR, reporter

GID'ON LEVI, reporter

AHARON LAPIDOT, reporter, aviation affairs

MORDECHAI GILAT, reporter

EMILY AMRUSSI, reporter

_________________________

Bibi and Saraleh Netanyahu Sell a Used Car to the Iranian

Act I

Scene I

Prime minister’s residence, Balfour St., Jerusalem,
Israel.

Presidential palace, Tehran, Iran.

Phone rings in Jerusalem.

SARAH
NETANYAHU:

Bibi,
it’s for you.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Who
calls me?

SARAH
NETANYAHU:

I don’t
know.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

What
number?

SARAH
NETANYAHU:

Seems
to be an international call. Starting 0098.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Iran …
did they hear my address to the Congress? Maybe it’s someone from their
opposition.

SARAH
NETANYAHU:

Are you
sure? It seems that after all the hangings in Ahmedinajad’s time there is no
opposition left there.

Ring
stops.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

If it
isn’t a mistake, and if they really need me, and if they have any tiding, they
will call again.

SARAH
NETANYAHU:

What is
tiding?

Ring
again.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Answer
them and ask who calls. Don’t forget to turn the tape recorder on.

SARAH
NETANYAHU:

Hello …
who calls?

FEMALE
VOICE:

Is this
the prime minister’s house?

SARAH
NETANYAHU:

For the
time being. There are plans to build a new official residence for us, which
will include also the prime minister’s office.

FEMALE
VOICE:

Shall I
call later?

SARAH
NETANYAHU:

“Later”
is relative.

FEMALE
VOICE:

In half
an hour’s time, OK?

SARAH
NETANYAHU:

Half an
hour’s time is not enough, the plans for the new residence are not yet final,
and the treasury boys have not yet said their word, and the Town Planning
officials have also to justify their very existence. If that’s the point, call
again in half a decade’s time, maybe half a century – if at all.

FEMALE
VOICE:

But
until then you will already sell the car.

SARAH
NETANYAHU:

What
car?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Saraleh,
give it to me. Hello?

FEMALE
VOICE:

Bibi?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

It’s
me.

FEMALE
VOICE:

Bibi,
in English English one says “it’s I”.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Maybe,
but I got my education in the United States. Who is speaking?

FEMALE
VOICE:

It’s
about the car.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

What
car?

FEMALE
VOICE:

I see
in the classifieds, a car for sale, second hand, like new, armored, call 00972-2-670-5555.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

This
isn’t my number.

FEMALE
VOICE:

It’s
your office. One doesn’t need to have your white pages to know that. One can
google it.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

So how
did you get my residence number?

FEMALE
VOICE:

We
didn’t have to Google it. We have enough intelligence agencies and secret
information to know this. Now, what about the car?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Oh, yes
… I’ve almost forgotten it … my advanced Alzheimer's, you know … yes, my car is
for sale. A very unique car, excellent condition, like new, fully armoured, air
conditioned, coffee maker included. Just to take and drive, the keys are
inside.

FEMALE
VOICE:

I know
where you took it from. It’s from Ha’Gashash Ha’Hiver, Israeli trio.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

How do
you know them?

FEMALE
VOICE:

Don’t
ask too much. I know them, and I know that Poly died recently. A great loss.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Let’s
go back to the car. It’s in Israel, you know. Where are you from?

FEMALE
VOICE:

The Islamic
Republic of Iran, formerly Persia.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Yes, I
know. Some of my best friends are from Iran, formerly Persia.

FEMALE
VOICE:

Yes, I
know too. Shaul Mofaz, Itsik Mordechai, Moshe Katsav …

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Itsik
is Iraqi, not Persian.

FEMALE
VOICE:

Persian.
Farsi!

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Iraqi!

FEMALE
VOICE:

Farsi!

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Iraqi!

FEMALE
VOICE:

Farsi!

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Iraqi. You
don't need intelligence agencies and secret information to know this. You can google
it.

FEMALE
VOICE:

No
Google in Iran, no internet, but we know that Itsik was also a screwer, like
Moshe Katsav. In Iran the women would have gone to prison, or even be hanged, not
the men. We are a modern country.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Yes, I
know … a modern country, on the verge of nuclear capability … I wish we
Israelis could …

FEMALE
VOICE:

Bibi, I
can’t believe … are you really so naïve? Hasn’t anyone ever told you about
KAMAG and MAMAG?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

OK,
let’s go back to the car. Who is going to have it?

FEMALE
VOICE:

Our
president, Hassan Rouhani.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

No
kidding. How come?

FEMALE
VOICE:

We saw
the details in your ad, especially the armour. We know you Israelis are the
best in the world in armouring cars.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

OK, how
do we get along? Who will come to pick up the car?

FEMALE
VOICE:

It
isn’t just “picking up” the car. We have to see it and examine it, ere we open
our checkbook.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

I like
your English. Who will come to see and examine the car?

FEMALE
VOICE:

OK,
that’s the point. Mr. Rouhani wants to see the car and test-drive it by
himself.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

So let
him come – no problem. In business like in business.

FEMALE
VOICE:

But Mr.
Rouhani fears you won’t let him out, and we, the people, will lose both our
president and the car. Anacnu net’se kerhim mikan u’mikan.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Your
Hebrew is amazing.

SARAH
NETANYAHU:

Her
English, her Hebrew, can’t you just talk business?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Just a
minute, Ma’am. (to Sarah Netanyahu): Don’t interfere, Saraleh, in business one
must acquire the other’s confidence. (to Female Voice): Sorry, Ma’am, I’m back.
I had a leak under the sink.

FEMALE
VOICE:

It’s
OK, Bibi. We have more serious leaks, I assume you have such too.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

To my
shame, we have such too.

FEMALE
VOICE:

So,
what about Mr. Rouhani’s freedom to leave the country, once the deal is made?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

It’s
OK, I pledge my word. Israel is a free country, and no one’s freedom to leave
the country is limited without due process of law.

FEMALE
VOICE:

And
what about Mr. Rouhani’s safety? He fears that some people in Israel are
anxious to get rid of him.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Ma’am
he is not the only one. I myself have, in Israel alone, more enemies that all
the Iranian presidents combined have had since Koresh the Great, 2500 years
ago.

FEMALE
VOICE:

And
what are the implications?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

The
implications are that I’ll escort him in person, together with all my security
persons, throughout his visit to Israel.

Frankly
speaking, I like it not either, but I’m bound by the protocol.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Do we
have to pass through the passport control and the customs?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Not
when you are with me.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

What are
you up to now?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

We pass
through the VIP by-pass. This was established for Judge Varda Alsheich, who
demanded it for the judges, but later had to resign with disgrace, and as one
says, we have buried her, but she still rules us from her grave.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

It is
not "as one says". It was coined by Frederic William Maitland (28 May
1850 – 19 December 1906), an English historian and lawyer. He is generally
regarded as the modern father of English legal history.

OK,
make it short, if you wish to sell the car. I have to be back in my country by
2400 today. Take notice that Iran’s time zone is an hour and a half earlier. Anything
you Israelis have, we have had an hour and a half earlier. We are an advanced country.
Don’t wink, Bibi, don’t smile, I know what you hint.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Ladies
and gentlemen, don’t rub your eyes.

As you
all know my official car is quite old and obsolete. It has served faithfully many
prime ministers, since 1974: Itshak Rabin, Menachem Begin, Itzhak Shamir,
Shim’on Peres, Shamir’s second term, Rabin’s second term, Peres’s second term,
my first term, Ehud Barak, Ariel Sharon, Ehud Olmert, my second and third terms,
and my fourth term is just impending.

As you
see, this car has had a glorious past, but, as our Arab brothers say kul
calb biji yumo, this car has also its day, and the Accountant General
insists on replacing it with a new one, because the maintenance expenses get
higher and higher from day to day.

We
decided, therefore, to sell the car, and for this purpose we launched an
international tender, and published ads, since in the local market there is no
demand for such a car, though old and obsolete, but very unique car, in excellent
condition, like new, fully armoured, air conditioned, coffee maker included.
Just to take and drive, the keys are inside.

Mr.
Rouhani answered our ad, and he is here to examine the car, and make a bid.

Mr.
Margalit, rega. There will be some room for questions. Mr. Rouhani, do you wish
to say something?

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

No, but
I’ll honour this audience, and answer any non-political question.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Dan
Margalit, please.

DAN
MARGALIT:

Mr.
Netanyahu, it seems that it is but an election game, just to show as if you
lead something big in the relations between Israel and Iran.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Dan, I
deeply regret that some perceive my readiness to sell the car, upon the request
of the Accountant General as political. That was never my intention.

Yes, he
is a distant relative of mine, and I’ve read this play. As far as I understand
from the play, he is still in your prison. As far as I remember, you also took
part in that play.

EHUD
YAARY:

No,
Colonel, it was my colleague, Dan Margalit, who now sits next to me.

PILOT:

I
apologise to both of you. My acute Alzheimer's, you know.

DROR
EYDAR:

Bibi,
how can you sell an armoured car to an Arab?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Rouhani
is an Iranian, not an Arab. Not all the Moslems are Arabs.

GID'ON
LEVI:

Mr.
Prime Minister, will you play table tennis with your guest?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

I have
never played this game.

AHARON
LAPIDOT:

Mr.
al-Sharqiya, as the pilot of his highness, do you trust your co-pilot?

PILOT:

Absolutely,
Mr. Lapidot. We Iranians are not Germans, we have full respect for human life.

MORDECHAI
GILAT:

Mr.
Netanyahu, haven’t you ever heard about the Trade with the Enemy Ordinance?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

What
style of speech is this, sir!!!

MORDECHAI
GILAT:

Mr.
Netanyahu, it is not a style of speech, it is but a question, which hereby I do
reiterate: Haven’t you ever heard about the Trade with the Enemy Ordinance, or
haven't you?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Thank
you Motti for this question. First, the deal with the Iranians is not yet done,
and, as one says, it isn't done until it’s done. Moreover, as you know, bargaining
with the Iranians is a long, long story, and until then, God forbid, the peace
may break in, and you will not have what to ask. Anyway, the visit of Mr.
Rouhani has been approved by both the Shabak and the Attorney General.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

What
style of speech is this, sir!!!

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

It is
not a style of speech, it is a forecast, based upon 2500 years of Persian
history …

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

We are
not Persians, we are Iranians.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Persians,
Iranians, you are all the same, and the Persian Bazaar is not just a metaphor.
Ask John Kerry.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Ok,
Bibi, I came here not to speak about the difference between the Iranians and
the Persians, or about our glorious past, but about the future, and the future
is the car that you have advertised to sell. I suggest that we end this
unsolicited press conference.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

I tend
to agree. Ladies and gentlemen …

EMILY
AMRUSSI:

Rega-rega,
Bibi, the ladies did not have an equal representation here. I have a question
to Mr. Rouhani.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

OK,
Emily, I'm sorry. Your question, please.

EMILY
AMRUSSI:

Mr.
Rouhani, may I offer you something to drink?

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

No,
Ma'am. If you mean something alcoholic, we Iranians are Moslems, if you don't
know, and as such we don't drink alcoholics. On the other hand, if you mean
something else, I'm having some coffee with Saraleh and Bibi, in about an
hour's time, if we don't get stuck in traffic. Anyway, just for emergency, I brought
with me a thermos of coffee and sandwiches from home.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Hassan,
you won't need it, because, unlike the Americans, we are never stuck in
traffic. God and Danino's police are permanently on our side.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Thank
you Bibi, I know you Israelis are the best in the world in bypassing the
traffic jams. You don’t need to have intelligence sources to know that. You can
google it.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

And
don't forget, Hassan, it isn't only coffee at my place, it's also falafel, hummus
and tahina, made by Saraleh herself, especially for you, and pickles from
Ma'hane Yehuda, the best de la best. And yes, Mr. Gilat, getting the stuff for
this lunch has been pre-approved by the Accountant General, the Attorney
General, the Consul General and all the other generals.

MORDECHAI
GILAT:

Let me
doubt it, Bibi. I've asked them right now about this expense, and they told me
they know nothing about it.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Of
course they know nothing. It was compartmentalised, for security reasons. We
don't trust them all, they leak everything.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

OK,
Bibi, enough is enough, let's get to business, and, as I told you, I have to be
back in my country by 2400 hours Iran time, 2230 hours here.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Ladies
and gentlemen, thank you all.

Act III

Scene I

Prime minister’s residence, Balfour St., Jerusalem,
Israel.

Dining room.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Such a
wonderful lunch I've long not had.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Thanks
to Saraleh.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Thank
you Saraleh. Now to business. How much?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

I
suggest you shall see the stuff first.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

I want
to know how much first, because I also have an Accountant General, and he will
hang me alive if I spend too much.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

OK,
Hassan, half a million bucks, plus the extras.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Don't
you think it's too much?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Not for
a car of such an historical value, but wait.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

OK, I
wait. In the Orient, as you know, patience is the name of the game. Carry on.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

As I
told you, this is a very unique car, excellent condition, like new, fully
armoured, air conditioned, coffee maker included. Just to take and drive, the
keys are inside.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

So, are
all these amenities included?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Only the
coffee maker, as I said.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

OK, how
much for the armour and the air conditioner?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

One
hundred thousand bucks for the armour, fifty thousand for the air conditioner.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Take
out the armour, Bibi. In Iran, as I told you, human life is consecrated, and I
don't need the armour. I drive a convertible in the streets of Tehran, and have
never heard even one shooting aimed at me. I walk in the local market – which
you call a Persian bazaar – without body guards, my compatriots shake my hands,
and Even though I walk through the valley of shadow of death, I fear no evil, for
Allah is with me; His rod and His staff, they comfort me. Psalms 23, 4,
adapted.

You can
sell the armour to Bashar el-Assad. For me it's but a nuisance, since I pay
shipment by the weight.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Hassan,
shipping and handling – on me.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

OK
Bibi, leave it on the car, but I don't pay for what I don't need, and talk
first to Bashar.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Ok, I
will.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

About
the air conditioner – we have to see its condition. Just to let you know, I can
get a new unit, installed originally in Tehran for much-much less.

By the
way, Bibi, you said that the car is quite old and obsolete, so how do you ask
half a million bucks for it?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Yes, I
said so, but, in the same breathe I spoke about the historical value of this
collectible, that has served faithfully many prime ministers, since 1974:
Itshak Rabin, Menachem Begin, Itzhak Shamir, Shim’on Peres, Shamir’s second
term, Rabin’s second term, Peres’s second term, my first term, Ehud Barak,
Ariel Sharon, Ehud Olmert, my second and third terms, and now my fourth one.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

OK, now
how much do you assess the historical value added by you for you and each of
your predecessors?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

What
touches us ourself shall be last served.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

OK, and
the others?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

For
Rabin, I charge you thirty thousand bucks for his first term, sixty thousand
for the second one, and ten thousand for each bullet hole, caused by the gunman
Yigal Amir. Six bullet holes – sixty thousand additional bucks ...

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

We
Iranians appreciate Rabin very much, especially for his role in the Oslo
Accords, but we won't pay for the holes which we can make by ourselves. We are
not in Chelm.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Come
on, Hassan, haven't you ever seen Antiques Roadshow? Don't you know the market
value of such authentic items? Your holes will lessen the value of the car, the
original holes are unique, and invaluable.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

We
don't buy the car for speculations, but for use. Take the holes, and sell them
separately, it's OK with me. Maybe to your friends, John Boehner and Mitch McConnell.
Three for each, or, even better, two for each, and two for Sarah Palin. This
unexpected woman may join the Republican race, even at the last minute. What
next?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Next is
Menachem Begin. Forty thousand.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

We
Iranians have much respect to Mr. Begin. An honest man, an honourable man, a
real gentleman, but we are angry with him.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Why?

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

You ask
why? When he sent the Air Force to destroy the Iraqi Osirak nuclear reactor he
should have wiped the whole Iraq off the face of the earth, and save us another
seven years of bloody war, with hundreds of thousands casualties.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Yes, it
was a good idea, but Shim'on Peres objected even the attack on the reactor. If
you didn't break the relations with Israel after ousting the Shah, it could have
been another Opera.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

OK,
next.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Next is
Itzhak Shamir.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Don't
mention Shamir. Next.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Next is
Shim’on Peres.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

We have
mixed feeling for Shim'on. On one hand he shares a joint responsibility with
Rabin for the Oslo accords, but, on the other hand, as I mentioned, he didn't
let Begin finish the Opera. Next.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Next is
Ehud Barak.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

A
passing episode. His name has no value added to the car. Next.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Ariel
Sharon.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Leave
him alone. As a soldier he was genius in tactics, but very poor in strategy.
Later he became a prominent politician, but showed no statesmanship. He ordered
the Hitnatkut in order to evade criminal trial, maybe trials. Next.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Next is
Ehud Olmert.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Most
famous Israeli leader in corruption. He's got six years term, and it seems it's
just the beginning.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

How do
you know all these small details? Your Intelligence?

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

I need
no intelligence, I just googled it. Who is next?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Next is
me, but I won't price myself, it isn't nice. Adding my name to the car's
history will add very much to its collectible value, but I'll give it to you
for free, as a neighbour's gesture.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

So,
Bibi, what's the bottom line? What am I requested to pay for the extras?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

One
hundred and ninety thousand bucks plus VAT.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Bibi, I
know that you were a furniture salesperson with Rim, but anything you can
negotiate we Iranians can negotiate better …

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

OK, Hassan
…

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Rega,
Bibi, I've not yet finished. As I've said, we don't pay for what we don't need
…

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

OK …

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Rega,
Bibi. And pursuant to your own tax laws there is no VAT on export. Don't start
with me, because your neighbour, King Abdallah, has also a car for sale.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Hassan,
I deeply regret that you perceive my bargaining with you as an attempt to cheat
you. This was never my intention.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

OK,
Bibi, bargaining is legitimate, but, pursuant to Section 12 of your Law of
Contracts (General Part), tashlag-1973, and pursuant to general legal
principles, the lex loci applies. Therefore, by the Israeli laws you have to
negotiate in an acceptable way and bona fide, owing full and appropriate
disclosure.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

I
deeply regret, but I have to consult my Attorney General, because I am a legal
layman. I had once ambition to enter law school, but they didn't admit me, so I
went to politics.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

But you
said that Mr. Weinstein is now under arrest …

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Sure I
did, but, as you know, pursuant to the Israeli law the prime minister must be
also a Knesset Member, and, as such, I'm entitled to visit any incarceration
facility, at any time, even without notice.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

So, how
do we get along?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

I can't
tell right now, I have to recalculate it, taking into account all your reservations,
and, as I said, I have to consult the AG too.

SARAH
NETANYAHU (whispers to Benjamin Netanyahu):

Bibi, I
didn't want to intervene, but you are going to make a very bad deal.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU (whispers to Sarah Netanyahu):

Saraleh,
who told you what deal I'm going to make?

SARAH
NETANYAHU:

Nobody had
to tell me. I googled it.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

OK,
Hassan, let's get out to the yard, and see the car.

Scene II

Prime minister’s residence yard, Balfour St., Jerusalem,
Israel.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Hassan,
where are your people?

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Tarek
is in the kitchen, schmoozing with Saraleh. I know not where Mahmoud is.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

I'll go
and call him (goes to the kitchen, returns with the pilot).

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Tarek,
where is Mahmoud?

PILOT:

I know
not. I let him ten minutes out, just to breath the Jerusalem air, which, as you
know, is clear as wine.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Yes, I
know. Naomi Shemer, died recently. A great loss.

PILOT:

I fear he went hunting for girls. He told me he heard
that the Jerusalem girls go to bed no later than eight o'clock, because they
have to be back home by ten o'clock … here he comes … Mahmoud what happened? I
gave you ten minutes, and it's almost an hour.

CO-PILOT:

A
policewoman stopped me and asked me what I'm doing here. I told her I'm an
Egyptian pilot, and I came with a group of tourists. Then she told me she is
also of Egyptian descent, and asked me about presidents Anwar el-Sadat, Gamal
Abed-el Nasser, Hosni Mubarak, and others. I tried to evade this conversation,
but I didn't want to arouse her suspicion.

What
could I have told her if I said that I'm in a hurry, and she asks questions?
That I have to be back at the prime minister's residence? If I said so she
would have arrested me, and taken me to – not to jail, but to Talbiyah.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

What is
Talbiyah?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Mahmoud
meant the lunatic asylum in the neighbourhood of Talbiyah, which is commonly,
but not officially, named after the neighbourhood in which it is located, but
we try not to mention this name in this context, because all the Supreme Court justices
live in that very neighbourhood.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

As far
as I remember from high school, this was a neighbourhood where wealthy Arabs
used to live until 1948, when they were expelled from their properties, which
were confiscated by the newly born State of Israel.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Hassan,
it was not exactly expulsion, but let me remind you that it was your
precondition, not mine, that we shall not talk politics in this occasion.
Anyway, I am glad that you recognise the State of Israel.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Bibi, I
deeply regret that you perceive my school-answer as political. That was never
my intention, and pursuant to the Iranian law only the Majlis, the Iranian
Parliament, is authorised to recognise other states.

However,
let's see the car, and examine it.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Hassan,
I guess you would like to test-drive it first.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Sure I
would, but I fear I forgot my international driver's license at home. I guess
that your police doesn't recognise the Iranian licenses, and I am not anxious
to have another encounter with Mahmoud's policewomen. You cannot cheat all the
people all the time.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Hassan,
leave it to me, nobody will touch you when I am with you in the car.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Bibi, I
don't want to drive you into more troubles than the minimum necessary for
getting rid of the car. Just remember that Avigdor Lieberman ambushes you
around every corner. And Boojie Herzog. And Shellie Yechimovits, of course.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Yechimovich,
not Yechimovits.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Let it
be Yechimovich, but, anyway, we don't close the deal today, because you said
you have to consult your AG, and also recalculate the extras, and also we are
running short of time. We have to leave here no later than 1800 hours, in order
to arrive at Tehran by midnight local time. Mahmoud, are you ready?

CO-PILOT:

Sure,
your honour.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Tarek,
you have ten minutes off, but no Jerusalem girls, no policewomen, just fresh
mountain air, clear as wine.

PILOT:

Your
honour, I deeply regret that you perceive me as girl hunter. That was never my
intention.

Your
honour, it is all holes, you can't sand holes, and no paint holds on holes.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

I told
your president about the holes, didn't I, Hassan?

CO-PILOT:

Yes, I know
that story, but these are not bullet holes. It is rust. It is disintegration of
the iron. It is iron oxide, formed by the redox reaction of iron and oxygen in
the presence of water or air moisture

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

OK, we
shall fix it.

CO-PILOT:

May I have
a towel or some rag?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Sure,
here we have, in the tool box. What do you need it for?

CO-PILOT:

I have
to open the radiator.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Just
beware of the steam.

CO-PILOT:

Aha! It
boils! … idling five minutes and boils. Nu, tofffffffff.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

We
don’t purport to sell a brand new car.

CO-PILOT:

It
seems so, and therefore we are here, and therefore they chose for this flight a
co-pilot who is also a qualified mechanic.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

I see.
So carry on your job.

CO-PILOT:

May I
have a pen and a piece of paper to make notes?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Sure,
you have in the glove box, enough for two thousand years.

CO-PILOT:

Thank
you, your honour.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

You may
call me Bibi.

CO-PILOT:

OK Bibi
(goes around the car, lies beneath the car, makes notes).

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Here
comes Tarek. Ten minutes Jewish time.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

It is contagious.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Mahmoud,
are you done?

CO-PILOT:

Almost
done. Two minutes Jewish time. Rega-rega.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Bibi,
can you take us to BG with this car? It will be a good idea to see how it
functions on the road.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Impossible.
The Shabak does not allow me to use it any more.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

OK
Bibi, it was nice to meet you. Saraleh's food was delicious.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

When do
you return to close the deal?

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Next
Tuesday, in the morning, say 0930 your time, for I am on my way to Moscow, to
meet with Vladimir. Make sure Saraleh doesn't need the car that day.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Sure,
sure. Let's go to BG airport.

Act IV

Scene I

A car riding the streets of Jerusalem, Israel.

Hassan
Rouhani at the wheel, Benjamin Netanyahu next to him, Sarah Netanyahu, PILOT
and CO-PILOT at the back seat.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Where
is the clutch?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

This is
an automatic transmission, no clutch.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Sorry,
no such animal in Iran. How does it work?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Just
shift to Drive, release the parking brake, and use the gas and brake pedals as
usual. The machine knows what to do.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

And if
she doesn't do the right thing, can we bring her to justice?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Not in Israel.
We are not an advanced country Iike Iran.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

OK,
let's try.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

We are
now in Keren Hayessod Street. On the right we see the Tribunal for Labour
affairs. Saraleh visits there every day. They built it in this location, close
to our official residence in order to ease Saraleh's getting there.

SARAH
NETANYAHU:

And to
save security expenses.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Yes,
sure.

Next,
on the right, the Israel Institute of Democracy. Mota Kremnitzer works there. A
nice guy, but left-winger.

Hassan,
slow down, we are approaching the junction of Keren Hayessod with Jabotinsky
Street, which comes from the right, and is prone to collisions since 1930.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

1925!

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

1930!

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

1925!

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

1930!

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

1925,
you can google it. The resignation of Jabo took place in 1925, and the
collisions with Ben Gurion may have started even earlier. In 1929 he went
abroad for lectures, the British didn't let him come back, and he died in the
United States in 1940. Anyway, in 1930 all the collisions were already behind
him. A great loss, Jabo.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

OK, Hassan,
I'll check it later.

Now, on
the right, in Israel everything is on the right, at least for now, we see the Liberty
Bell Park. The bell you see is a replica of the Liberty Bell of Philadelphia.
Slow down, Hassan.

Now we
see, again on the right, the old railway station, one of the most known
historical symbols of Jerusalem. It is now disused, and serves as a cultural
centre. Hassan, are you crazy in politics as you are in driving?

Now we
see the historical Governmental Printing House, where they used to print all
the official publications that nobody reads. Now the Official Printer moved to
somewhere else, but still nobody reads the stuff. Waste of paper, disastrous to
the rain forests.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Do they
print money too? Do they accept private orders? Do they print Dollars too?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Frankly
speaking, I know not. When I need some cash, I make an order with them, but I
don't know whether they regard it as an official order, or a private one. How
much do you need?

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

I don't
know, we have not yet closed the deal, and I need some cash for refueling from
Moscow back to Tehran.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

I fear
it cannot be facilitated today, because our Governmental Printer is terribly
slow, and even when our president, Reuven Ruvi Rivlin, needs some cash, they
can't carry it out the same day. They are slow, lazy and inefficient, like any
governmental service everywhere – even in Iran, I think. Anyway, if you need
some pocket money for coffee in Moscow airport, I can lend you some cash, but I
fear the Russians have fake money detectors. At my last visit to Moscow they
had not yet had such devices, but the Mossad said, then, that that is a matter
of weeks away until the Russians will have them, and if I were you, I won't
have taken the risk. Maybe Putin can lend you some Rubles.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

OK,
I'll ask him. Thank you for the good advice. Yes, the Iranian governmental
services are also slow, lazy and inefficient.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Hassan,
now make a U-turn. No, not so fast, you will kill all of us!

Next
will be King David Hotel, built in 1930, and hosted many heads of state. During
the British Mandate, the southern wing of the hotel was turned into a British
administrative and military headquarters. On July 22, 1946, the southwestern
corner of the hotel was bombed during an attack by the Irgun. 91 people died
and 45 people were injured. An earlier attempt by the Irgun to attack the hotel
was foiled when the Haganah learned of it and warned the British authorities.

Nowadays
it is a most prestigious hotel and serves also as the official hosting house of
the State of Israel. There are stubborn rumours that some prominent Israeli politicians
use this hotel for their romantic affairs, but I won't relate to it.

If you
stay overnight, I can arrange rooms for you, a room for each of you. Moshe Kahalon
will pay, don't worry.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

We
would like to spend a night here in Jerusalem, but we are on our way to Moscow,
I told you.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

OK,
next time.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

With
your kind permission, Bibi, I want Mahmoud to drive this car too, because as to
the technical issues he will have the final word. He also has an international
driver's license.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

No
problem, I'll guide you to a safe place to do this reshuffle.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Thank
you Bibi.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Now
stop on the right shoulder of the road. Never stop at the left, they are not
trustworthy.

CO-PILOT
(takes the driver's seat):

Where
is the clutch?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

This is
an automatic transmission, no clutch.

CO-PILOT:

Sorry,
no such animal in Iran. How does it work?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Just
shift to Drive, release the parking brake, and use the gas and brake pedal as
usual. The machine knows what to do.

CO-PILOT:

And if
she doesn't do the right thing, can we bring her to justice?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Not is
Israel. We are not an advanced country Iike Iran.

CO-PILOT:

OK,
let's try.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Now, on
the right, we see the wall of the old city of Jerusalem, where the Wailing Wall
is located. We can't go there today, because both security reasons, and your
constraint of time. Yes, I remember that you are on the way to Moscow, to meet
with Vladimir.

Instead
of a visit to the Wall, I have an old story about it. An elderly American
Jewish couple, who lived in this country before 1948, came to Israel for a
visit. It was before the Six Day War. They didn't know that the Old City was
taken by the Jordanians, and they asked the taxicab driver to take them to the
Wailing Wall. The driver had never heard about this wall so he asked them for
more details. "It's the place where the Jews cry", was the answer. So
he took them to the offices of the Income Tax. No, I won't take you there,
because they will make me cry, too. They don't care whether you are an ordinary
citisen, or a prime minister – they want your money, and I don't take
unnecessary risk.

Now we
have the Jerusalem City Hall on our right, and next to it …

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

This is
the place where Ehud Olmert took bribes?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

You
don't need my answer, you can google it.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

And you
tried to sell me his name as an additional value to the car?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, it was my mistake, and I deeply regret that you perceive my mistake
as an attempt to cheat you. This was never my intention.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

OK,
let's drop it.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Again,
next to the City Hall we see the City Square. Do you see the empty place,
five-by-five meters, in the middle of it?

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Yes, it
looks like a small Ground Zero.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

It was
designated to be the base for a replica of David, a most famous statue,
sculpted by Donizetti …

SARAH
NETANYAHU:

Chopin!

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Chopin
was French.

SARAH
NETANYAHU:

Polish!

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

But not
Italian.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Saraleh
is right, Chopin was Polish, but the sculptor of David was Modigliani, not
Donizetti.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Donizetti!

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Modigliani!

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Donizetti!

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Modigliani!

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Don't
argue with me, it was Donizetti!

CO-PILOT:

I think
it was Leonardo.

PILOT:

Neither
Donizetti, who was a composer, nor Modigliani, who was a painter (Jewish, by
the way), nor Leonardo, who was also a sculptor, inter alia, but had nothing to
do with that David. It was none but Michelangelo, who was the sculptor of this
masterpiece. You don't have to believe me, you can google it.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Yes,
yes, yes … now I recall … I remembered some Italian name, but now I'm sure that
was Michelangelo. Thank you, Tarek.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

So,
where is David, why doesn't he come to this holy city?

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

The
story is that the City of Firenze wanted to give a replica of David to the City
of Jerusalem as a gift for Jerusalem's Day, but the religious circles opposed,
because he is naked.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

They
are right. We Iranians would do the same, and also hang the founding fathers of
this stupid idea. Fortunately, there is no opposition left in Iran, and we have
enough cranes free for this purpose.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

OK, I
think it's enough. We have to close the deal, you have to continue to Moscow, I
don't want to show my whole ignorance, and I guess you have the whole picture
about how the car functions. Mahmud, just slow down, and after the building of
the post office, main branch, make a sharp turn to the left, to Shlomtsiyon
Ha'Malka Street.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Bibi, a
sharp turn to the left?!

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

I just
want to get the shortest path to my residence, because we are short in time,
and I deeply regret that one may perceive my choosing the shortest way as
political. That was never my intention. Yet, who knows, maybe Boojie Herzog waits
for us after turning left. We need him to stabilise and strengthen the
coalition, because a coalition … slow down, Mahmoud, I want to show you
something… on the left, again, you see King Koresh Street, named after your
monarch, 2500 years ago. Carry on, Mahmoud, we are short in time. Back to the
coalition, our coalition counts now 61 out of 120 Knesset members, and such a
coalition is quite fragile.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Fortunately,
we Iranians don't have such problems. Any Majlis member who doesn't follow the
official lines, finds himself hanged, and, as I've just told you, we have
enough free cranes for this job.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Thank
you gentlemen, we are back at home. Let's get back to business.

Scene II

Prime minister’s residence, Balfour St., Jerusalem,
Israel.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Gentlemen,
I've consulted the AG and he approves the deal. By the way, he is already out
of jail, freed without bail, and without any charges against him. What do you
say?

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

You
said that you have also to recalculate the price, taking into account all our
reservations.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Yes, I
did it. Unfortunately, Bashar has got a new armoured car right now, and he
doesn't need my armour. So are Recep Tayyip Erdoğan of Turkey, Abdel Fattah
Saeed Hussein Khalil el-Sisi of Egypt, King Abdallah of Jordan. I also tried,
via common friends, to contact Hassan Nasrallah, the Secretary General of Hezbollah,
and Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi of ISIS. Nasrallah could not be traced, because he
hides underground, and my sources in ISIS told me they even don't know whether al-Baghdadi
is still alive, after all the American raids. So you have the armour for free –
just take it.

As to
the bullet holes – unfortunately my American friends, John Boehner and Mitch
McConnell, they have bullet holes of their own, and they don't need any more.
They advised me to ask Newt Gingrich, and so I did, but he said he will also
have bullet holes of his own, for free – it's just a question of time. Sarah
Palin told me she has no further ambition to run again, for the time being, of
course, and referred me to Michelle Bachman. I called Michelle, but she could
not be reached, her cellphone was not available, and she didn't answer my emails.
So you have the bullet holes for free, too, if we close the deal today.

As to
the historical value added to the car for the names of the previous prime
ministers, after a second thought, and by the Accountant General's approval, we
waive any return thereof, except the sixty thousand bucks for Itshak Rabin's
second term, when he was murdered, as I said last time. It isn't a matter of
money, but of principle. We can't let him be forgotten.

As to
the car itself and the air conditioner, I have the approval to deduct twenty
percent from the price of the car, and fifty percent from the air conditioner.

The
bottom line is four hundred bucks for the car, twenty five thousand for the air
conditioner and sixty thousand for Rabin's name, totaling four hundred eighty
five thousand dollars. As to the VAT, it turns out that you are right: there is
no taxation on export.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Mahmoud,
what do you say?

CO-PILOT:

The car
is in a very bad shape, not only the body, but also the engine, and other
systems. It needs investment of one hundred thousand bucks in order to overhaul
the car and restore its working condition, after which the car has value of one
hundred and fifty thousand bucks. It means that before the investment it is
worth no more than fifty thousand bucks. For the air conditioner I would not
give a penny, because it is cheaper to buy and install a new one, than to fix
the incumbent one. As to the historical value – it is not within my expertise.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

OK, as
I've already said, we don't buy the car as a collectible, but for daily use,
but in Rabin's honour we shall give three thousand dollars, totaling fifty
three thousand dollars, cash.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Hassan,
come on! So little? Why won't we, as neighbours, meet in the middle? Four
hundred eighty five plus fifty three are five hundred thirty eight, divided by
two gives two hundred sixty nine, rounded down to two hundred fifty, just in
your honour.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Bibi,
as an ex-businessman you know for sure that in business like in business, no sentiments.
And I succumbed a little to my sentiment, by letting you three thousand buck
for Rabin's name.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

OK,
Hassan, let's make a compromise, two hundred thousand.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

Not a
penny more.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

One
hundred, final offer.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

I said
not a penny more.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

OK,
done! Open your pocket.

SARAH
NETANYAHU:

Bibi,
Rega. You make a big mistake, an historical mistake, the biggest mistake of
your life. This is a very bad deal.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

So what
do you suggest, Saraleh, to get stuck with this useless clunker? What is the
alternative – no deal?

SARAH
NETANYAHU:

I
didn't say no deal. The alternative to this bad deal is a much-much better
deal.

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

OK
Bibi, we shall now break up this session till another time, when Caesar’s wife
shall meet with better dreams.

BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU:

Rega,
Hassan, rega!

HASSAN
ROUHANI:

We
can't be late to the meeting with Vladimir, and let him sit and wait for us. We
are going to Moscow for more important things than second-hand cars. We came
here twice, the next time – if you don't find another buyer and we don't find
another car – you come to Tehran, with the car, to close the deal. We shall
welcome you with the utmost honours, with the Iranian Air Force orchestra
playing Ha'Tikva, with an unsolicited press conference, and with all the other
protocols. We shall leave no ceremony out, and I pledge my word that you will
be able to leave the country whenever you wish, with or without the car.