While visiting a primary school,
the principal offered me a chance to help out in a small
conflict. The principal, who I will call Mr. Elliot, told
me that one boy had been accused of saying "f...
off" to some other boys while playing ball. We went
to meet the boys, who were waiting for him outside his
office. Four of the boys were standing in a line facing
one other boy. The one alone was the one accused of the
"crime." I began by asking the accused, who I
will call Ahman, how he was feeling. He said,
"Nervous." I asked if he were afraid of getting
in trouble. He said, "Yes." I asked what he was
scared of exactly. He said of missing break and some
other punishment like sanding wood or something. I told
him I didn't really care what he was accused of saying. I
was more concerned with how he was feeling right then and
also when he said whatever he was accused of saying. I
suggested maybe he was feeling frustrated when he said
whatever he said. He said yes and explained why.

He said the other boys took the ball from
him and they always pick on him. I asked if he felt
deserving of punishment. He said no because he didn't say
what they had accused him of. I said, "So you feel
falsely accused?" He didn't understand this so I
asked if he felt justified in what he did. He said yes.
It seemed that even though he was feeling afraid, he was
also feeling steadfast, perhaps even a little defiant.
While he talked, his hands were touching the top of his
head. I am not an expert at body language, but this
suggests to me he felt a little regret or guilt. It also
suggested he was doing a lot of thinking. Probably he was
thinking about what happened, how he would defend himself
and what his punishment might be. Mr. Elliot asked Ahman
if he had said what the boys reported him saying. He
said, "No, sir. I did not." The other boys,
though, said that he did.

Mr. Elliot talked to Ahman a little
about feeling frustrated and about different ways to
handle frustration. Ahman volunteered that he also felt
frustrated in school lately because his brother, who is a
few years older, is also picking on him at school and at
home. I could see that Mr. Elliot was genuinely concerned
about this and I could tell that Ahman appreciated his
empathy and understanding. I then asked Ahman how much he
felt understood by us, from 0-10. He said around 9 or 10.
I then addressed all five boys and said that Mr. Elliot
and I were in a difficult position because it was
impossible for us to know what the truth was since we
weren't there. I explained, though, that Mr. Elliot puts
a high value on honesty. I asked Ahman and the others if
they also valued honesty. They all said yes. I said,
"Good" and told them I was glad to hear that.
They all seemed sincere enough when they answered me.

Then I looked over to the four boys
and asked if they thought Ahman should be punished. One
said yes, one said no. I said to the one who said yes,
"Okay, so you think we should punish him. Should we
shoot him then?" They all laughed. Then I asked them
if they all wanted to be friends. They all said yes. I
asked them how they felt when Ahman said whatever he had
said. They didn't know how to answer. I then suggested
that they might have felt offended or disrespected, but
still they seemed to feel confused. Then I asked if they
know why Mr. Elliot doesn't like swearing. They didn't
seem to really know. I suggested it probably was because
he thinks it is shows a lack of respect, and Mr. Elliot
values respect very highly. Mr. Elliot confirmed this. He
added that he wanted the school to be a place where
people treated each other with respect and a place they
could be proud of. I then asked Ahman how proud he felt
of the school from 0-10. He said 9. I asked him to
explain. He said things like, "People are honest
here and the teachers treat me with respect most of the
time." He said if someone finds money they will turn
it in. I knew that Mr. Elliot was pleased to hear this.
Again it sounded quite sincere. I credit Mr. Elliot with
having created an environment which seemed to allow
people to be emotionally honest.

By then everyone was feeling okay.
Mr. Elliot said, "Thank you, boys, for coming to me.
And thank you, Ahman, telling me honestly how you feel
and why you feel frustrated." He then asked Ahman if
he would like him to give Ahman's mom a call to talk
about the brother picking on him. Ahman said, No thank
you, sir, that isn't necessary."

Mr. Elliot then told the four boys
they could go. Then he smiled caringly at Ahman and said,
"You may go now, Ahman."

Mr. Elliot and I then discussed
what had happened. I told Mr. Elliot that I was concerned
about how some of the boys wanted Ahman to be punished. I
was also concerned that the other boys had used Mr.
Elliot in the sense that they wanted to hurt Ahman and
they saw this as an opportunity to do this. This is one
unfortunate, but very real, byproduct of using
punishment. From what I know of Mr. Elliot, he is a
person who does not enjoy hurting others. He thanked me
in fact, for showing him another way of handling the
conflict. It was clear to me that he felt much better
with the outcome we achieved than if he would have
punished Ahman without even knowing if he actually swore
or not.

Looking back, I regret not giving
the boys a chance to work things through a bit more on
their own, while at the same time teaching them how to
resolve future conflicts without involving a school
authority. I also regret not exploring the four accusing
boys' feelings and motives more. It might also have been
good, had time permitted, to speak with them more
individually, because there was a certain amount of peer
pressure and pride involved. It would be unlikely the
four boys would have admitted their true motives with
Ahman standing there listening, if indeed their motives
were partially hurtful. It would also have been
interesting to see if any of the four boys thought they
were in part responsible for provoking Ahman. I also
regret not asking the boys and Mr. Elliot how a similar
conflict would have been handled had I not been there
that day, and how everyone felt under the normal
procedures. My guess is that there are definitely ways to
teach young people the values of honesty and respect, and
the skills of emotional literacy and verbal problem
solving, while also modeling the values of empathy and
understanding.

I feel satisfied that on this
occasion, Mr. Elliot and I came one step closer to this
ideal.