Br`er Rabbit In Drug Patch

SARASOTA, FLA. — Now that all of baseball`s designated druggies have agreed that Peter Ueberroth can stick his hand in their pockets, that may be laughter I hear in the clubhouse.

Imagine a late arrival to spring training trying to find out just what happened.

``The commissioner did what?``

``He fined me 10 percent of my salary.``

``Hey, that`s tough. You make what, a million something? That`s more than $100,000.``

``I know.``

``So, why are you grinning?``

``Well, I ain`t in jail. I`m still playing baseball. And I got a million left over. I feel like Br`er Rabbit.``

``Don`t throw you in the briar patch?``

``Sure. Don`t take my money. I`ve got so much of it. Please, anything, but don`t take my money. This is like Monopoly. My salary is my card to get out of jail free.``

``You paid right up, huh?``

``No, I screamed loud. Threatened not to pay, brought up some swill about civil rights, said I had to talk to lawyers, all that stuff.``

``Why?``

``I had to make `em think it hurt. You know, that this was the worst thing that could happen. Some guys just went along. Somebody had to stand up and look wounded. I don`t mind being a martyr.``

``So the commissioner and the public wouldn`t see how soft this was?``

``I had to hide my checkbook to keep from giving him the money right away. I was afraid he`d change his mind.``

``And do what?``

``Kick me out for a year, two, maybe forever. Hey, they suspend guys just for losing their temper. What I did was outright illegal, you know. I sat in a courtroom in Pittsburgh and told the world that I was a junkie. `Course if I didn`t, I could be in prison. I got a big break there, too.``

``You seem to be on a roll.``

``Listen, the day after I left the trial, I got a standing ovation when I came to bat. Didn`t lose one friend. All this stuff about the fans being outraged by drug use in sports, they don`t care if you can hit the curve.``

``Then you`re not embarrassed by any of this?``

``Sure, I wish it hadn`t happened, but I look at how bad it could have been and I feel like kissing old Peter on the mouth. I`ll even vote for him for President.``

``You`ve got to let `em test for drugs whenever they want now, right? You have to stay clean.``

``Yeah. That`s the worst part. Not that I do drugs anymore, you understand. But that suspicion will always be there. May keep me out of the Hall of Fame.``

``May keep you out of the slammer.``

``And I have to talk to kids, too, you know. Like witnessing at a tent revival. The old sinner says don`t be caught like I was.``

``You might change a life.``

``When I was into the stuff, if some guy was forced to talk to me so he could keep making a living, I would have questioned his sincerity. We both would have sat there looking at our watches.``

``Then you think this community service is just more window dressing?``

``You know what I`d ask me? If drugs were so awful, how come you still hit .300 and made a million a year?``

``You don`t see any of this as a deterrent?``

``Okay. Suppose you might be tempted to do what a lot of the rest of the population does. You look at the punishment if you get caught. Ten percent?

You can afford that. All you do is recalculate the price of the junk.``

``How would you have handled it?``

``I`d have kicked us all out. That`s a lesson everybody can understand. You do drugs, you don`t play ball. We`re stealing money as it is. What`s so hard? We get rich doing something we`d all do for nothing anyhow. And they say they`re going to keep giving me all that money, only I got to give a little bit of it back. Everybody`s happy, and we can all pretend that there are no more problems.``