Look at this photo of Adrien Grenier promoting Naked Juice in a tweet while shushing and tell me who among us does not want to get in on this?

The thing is, I’m a journalist. And I would never compromise my integrity by promoting products (for money or to receive free swag) without your, the reader’s, knowledge. It’s not what I do. It’s not only gross and immoral, but goes against all editorial values and regulations. Adhering to the boundaries between edit and advertising is important to me. Promoting any product in a public sphere feels icky to me. Like I said, I’m a journalist.

That said, it’s 2016, baby! #SponCon is real, and so much of a lucrative business that the FTC is reportedly cracking down on celebrities who promote things with reckless abandon, without disclosing such items as advertisements. Never would I stoop so low. Dear reader, I have no intention of misleading you. I’ve come across a few items I’d like to help make the public aware of and that I’m willing to openly advertise as #SponCon. For those companies interested, I’ve included proposals and suggestions for how I might promote said products.

1)Tesla Model S ($67,400 - $128,900 but of course I will have the one with all the options)

Image via Tesla

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Why it’s good: I’m not quite sure which model is the best yet, or what the models even mean, but it’s a car and I don’t have one of those. I hear this is state of the art.

Photo: My head poking out from beneath a Tesla as if I’m a mechanic working on something underneath. Face greased.

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Sample caption: “I swear to Jesus and would never lie about how Tesla is the best premium electric vehicle I’ve ever owned. #SponCon.”

Sample caption: “Please use info from this copy via B&H site in your promo and don’t forget to delete this memo: Having a device that has the quality to reproduce all the subtle details embedded in your negatives and transparencies that gives you full control over the crucial interpretation of your work is what makes owning a Hasselblad scanner attractive.”

Photo: Me being funny, pretending to use the teeth whitener as deodorant (it’s funny because that’s not what it’s meant for)

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Sample caption: “Express Smile Atlanta teeth whitener has made my teeth only marginally whiter, like I can’t even tell the difference, so I walk up to all my friends now every time I see them and I’m like, ‘Are my teeth super white?’ and they say, ‘I don’t know...Looks the same,’ and then I inch closer and ask them to look again and they’re like, ‘Oh yeah maybe,’ and I’m a bit more satisfied with that answer but still feel like maybe I paid too much for this teeth whitener but hey still works and it’s technically true that my teeth have never been whiter #SponCon.”