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Inherent Lessons from Project: Approach

With all fears in life, the human mind will rationalize commitment to inaction as a result of an irrational, underlying fear. Concretely, the human mind will rationalize a reason to not approach an attractive member of the opposite sex as a result of fear of social ridicule and rejection. The purpose of this post is to use the “art of picking up girls” as a symbolic representation for many aspects of life.

As a part of my “semester of experimentation,” a couple friends and I decided that we’d engage in a social experiment/ personal growth project where we both would approach 2-3 random, attractive woman per day. We’d make our approaches in the library, while walking to class, in the gym, etc. Location does not matter. Our goal was not to get a girlfriend but to merely eliminate the “fear of approaching.” On a deeper level, we’re trying to push the limits of our comfort zone.

In any fearful situation, the mind will identify the situation and immediately attach a label deducing the amount of danger radiating from the given context. This is an evolutionary trait that has saved our lives throughout human history also known as the “fight or flight” response.” Approaching an attractive female and encountering a wild mountain lion both elicit a similar “fight or flight.” Should a female be categorized in the same danger category as a mountain lion? Obviously not. This instinct is severely outdated so it is our job to declassify these “attractive females” from that category.

De-classifying these them from our innate response involves a detachment from the result of the sole situation while re-attachment with our holistic purpose. Those butterflies that pound the walls of our stomach view the “attractive female” as a “life or death” situation. When this happens, we must return our minds back to the purpose of our actions. Are we trying to get a girlfriend? Are we simply using this exercise to expand our comfort zones? Rather than create excuses such as ” Nah, she looks busy” or “Nah she’s in a hurry,” shift this voice to ” I want to practice taking risks” or ” if I keep at this, I’ll eventually meet the girl of my dreams.” By reminding ourselves of our encompassing purpose, we create a detachment from the unnecessary current panic of the situation.

On the other hand, if we have a purpose but don’t feel as though we are making progress, we are going to feel like shit. So we’re going to need a method in instilling miniature bursts of confidence. We must set concrete, mini-accomplishments that can incrementally instill confidence which push us up the steps towards achieving said purpose. For example, the goal should never be to ” attain 10 girls’ phone numbers.” We cannot control whether a girl gives us her number or not. The goal should be to “approach and converse with 10 different girls” which is achievable within our power.

Once purpose and concrete goals are established, we have a limited time to take action. Our minds are rampant creatures and this newly built awareness will soon be flooded by doubt and self-defeating talk again. The key here, is to use “the 5-second rule.” I stole this rule from this awesome Ted Talk:

We have 5 seconds to take action before our minds will revert back to inaction. This does not only apply to approaching girls but also to waking up at your alarm, deciding where you want to eat, getting started on your work, etc. The 5-second rule establishes decisiveness.

Once action is underway, the key is to create an open-situation where rapport can be established. The key ingredient here is authenticity. Pick-up lines should only be used if the essence of the line aligns within the persons character. For a majority of people, I do not believe this is the case. The goal with the initial approach is to make intentions clear and establish a foundation where rapport can thrive. Here is my opening line( with variations contingent upon the context of the situation):

” Hi, I was sitting over there with my friends and I think you’re really cute. How’s your day going?”

I clearly stated my intention which crushed her barriers of defense and quickly transitioned the context of the conversation into an open-ended conversation. This then forced her to reveal an interpretation of her day which reveals her pattern in thought process and views on a surface level. A majority of girls will be flattered when given a genuine compliment but will feel uneasy as they are not accustomed to being approached this directly. It is then my job to be able to keep the conversation moving. FYI, this is what worked for me. I believe every person has their own style that works for them.

After the conversation continues for a bit, as with any good salesman, there must be a close. Despite all social cues picked up, this is where we receive a final Yes/No response from the desired girl. Closure can be scary but there must be a close or else all your work goes to waste. Some self-defeating talk that could cause inaction could be ” If she rejects me, it might be awkward if I saw her again.” Nonsense. It’s only awkward if we make it awkward. This is what I did when I encountered this situation:
Me: ” I like you. We should definitely hangout sometime.”
Girl: ” Eh, I don’t think so, man.”
Me: ” Aw, well it was awesome meeting you. May I get your name again? I wanna say hi still if I ever see you.”
Girl: Ashley. *Shakes hand*
Me: ” Have an awesome day.”

One of the keys to life is to take nothing personally. Examine a situation, learn from it, then move on.

All in all, this side project is not a means of picking up girls or boosting my social status but rather a means of building inner confidence through rejection. All the cards can be played right but still end in failure. However, rejection is not a deterrence but rather an opportunity to strengthen the muscles of our inner confidence. In all aspects of life, rejection is inevitable and the only thing we have control of is our response to the situation. We can allow rejection to diminish our sense of worth or we can see rejection as a learning opportunity. However, I GUARANTEE you that inaction will result in a 100% rejection rate.