Signs You Need to Break Up

The difficulty of being in a relationship is that it’s not always clear you should be in a relationship. People change, interests and opinions can differ, but how much is too much? When does a relationship cross that line between “It’s worth it!” and “Oh man this is not worth it at all”? Luckily, we have put together a list of signs to watch for to determine whether or not you should still be with this person.

1. Low Priority: Where does your relationship fall in their list of priorities? While it’s perfectly healthy and arguably preferred that they love some things more than you, how do you rank? Are you below “family”? That’s fine. Are you below “fire”? Yeah, that could be a problem. You should probably both get out of this relationship and call the police—you can even do them at the same time! “Yes, officer, could you please tell my accused arson of a boyfriend that we should just be friends?”

2. Lack of PDA: You need some public displays of affection, a sign that your significant other isn’t embarrassed to be around you. The tolerance for this kind of thing varies according to person, so judge it by your own scale. Even if your significant other is deathly afraid of public romance, if that’s your thing they should compromise at least a little, give you a small peck on the cheek, or if that’s too much, romantically point at you from a distance. If they won’t oblige you at all, maybe it’s not a phobia; maybe this relationship just isn’t good anymore.

3. Excessive PDA: The only thing worse than too little affection is too much. Or maybe it’s not worse at all, but can we at least agree they’re both bad? Again, this comes down to comfort level; if you’re not into this public kiss-i-ness then they should respect your boundaries—being with someone who constantly makes you uncomfortable isn’t healthy. “Honey pie, why aren’t you making out with me?” “We’re at a funeral.” “It’s what he would have wanted!” It’s okay to be into someone, but there are limits, which brings us to number four …

4. Too into You: When two people like each other, the level of liking should be approximately equal. If one person loves more than the other, it can certainly skew the relationship, especially when it gets creepy. “Honey, I tattooed your whole name on my arm.” “… I uh …I never told you my middle name.” “I guessed!” You should probably get out of that one before they make you into a skin suit.

5. Reality TV Ratio: There are more accurate ways to judge your relationship than feelings and general hunches—math can provide concrete answers. With some simple observations and calculations, you can judge the general intelligence of a person and their value as a human being. Makes logs of their television viewing schedule—hours watched, what they watch, general enjoyment of each program. Rate enjoyment on a scale of emoticons, and start computing the ratio for each program compared to the total number of hours watched. If your significant other, with a total hours watched of at least 2, maintains a ratio for reality TV of anything equal to or greater than 0.4, with an emoticon of at least a slight smile, then you need to dump them. There’s no other choice; it’s mathematically proven.

6.Mustache: Believe it or not, but you can gather a lot about a person’s personality from their facial hair. Refer to the following chart; certain mustaches are clear indicators that this relationship is not going to work.

As you can see, while some moustaches indicate manliness and class, as you go down the line they get progressively more evil, which is not a trait you should really be looking for in a mate. Also, all these count double if you’re dating a lady—though even in that case the first one is still pretty solid.

7. Nothing in Common: What are you interests? Judging from the readership of the site, we can assume you’re interested in some mixture of Dr. Who, Harry Potter, battling other students to the death in an Orwellian future, kidnapping Benedict Cumberbatch, and saying “BAM.” Are they into any of this? It’s acceptable to have different interests, but do they allow you to enjoy yours? Is their main interest “fire”? We don’t know how you guys are finding all these arsonists, but for God’s sake—get out!

8. Allergies: Ew. Allergies? Gross. This is a clear indicator that your significant other has weak genetics, and cannot be trusted to produce viable offspring. “Grass makes me sneeze!” And you make me sick. Get out of this relationship!

Hey, do you guys like how some of these were serious and others didn’t even try to provide you with a real answer? Yeah, that was our favorite part, too. How do you judge if your relationship is still good?

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About the Author

Reid Faylor is a stand-up comedian, cartoonist, writer, and whimsically bearded gentleman living in New York City. He owns a cat named Mr. President. You can follow his tumblr at reidfaylor.tumblr.com.