•Pin Up•

Today is Father’s Day! As you scroll through your social media, you’ll see barrages of picture’s and shout out’s that your friends are making to their Father’s who don’t even have Facebook or Instagram. As you keep scrolling, you might find the “Happy Father’s Dad to my Mom who raised me on her own.” Either way, it’s Father’s Day! If there’s a good man in your life that you call Dad or is your baby Daddy, take the time to appreciate him/them.

I am a Daddy’s girl to the fullest extent. For as long as I can remember, I have always been stupidly attached to my Dad. Now when I say “Daddy’s girl,” don’t get it twisted with the stereotypes. Unlike some girls, I didn’t get away with anything because I was his “little girl”, and I certainly was never given a credit card to cheer me up on a bad day. My Dad was stricter than anyone of my friends parent’s, and he had eyes on me like a hawk. I didn’t have any kind of lienancy because I was his only girl, and I wasn’t given things just because. Anyhting I had, I had to earn it. Of course, as a hormonal teenager I took it as “he hates me…pout pout, sigh sigh.” As an adult, I appreciate how he raised more than ever.

Here are 3 things that my Dad had always repeated to me throughout that years. I feel they are valuable points for any woman to hear and know. If you’re a girl who grew up with a Father, or if someone never in general told you these things…they are STILL valid to you. Everybody has a worth!

“There is more to being a woman than the stereotypical roles of cooking and cleaning.”My Dad never raised me to someday be somebodies “wife.” He raised me to be able to take care of myself, think for myself and never depend on anyone but myself for what I need.

“If anyone messes with you first, you better defend yourself. And if a guy hits or touches you inappropriately, your Brother’s and I will make sure they cant walk.”Luckily, I grew up pretty damn tall and big so girls never picked fights with me. My Dad made it very clear to me at a young age not everybody is “safe” to be around and to never hide if someone had hurt me. Although my Dad and Brother’s never had to stomp anyone out for hurting me, it was always comforting knowing I have a “safe zone.” (My 5’4 Italian Mom might be a little more scarier than them, especially when she’s mad.)

3. “Love isn’t about how you feel about someone else, as much as it’s how they make you feel about you.”
My Dad has said this to me so many times, and it’s always stuck out to me. I honestly never understood it’s meaning until I met my boyfriend. When I finally got into the “right relationship” it was very different for me to not second guess myself, or anything. You can be in a relationship with anyone, hell, you might even love them…doesn’t always mean it’s right or healthy for you. The biggest difference is when someone makes you feel loved for who you are and nothing more. Your dreams and interests matter to them just as much as their own. Most importantly, they are a nice addition to your life, not “extra baggage” in your life.

My Dad would never let me settle…don’t you go settling either.

These are three pieces of life advice from my Dad. Of course, I could’ve made a list of 1,000 thing’s he’s preached to me but these always stuck out to me. I always tell my guy friends who have daughters that they have no idea what they are to that little girl. My Dad probably has no recollection of when he told me any of this stuff, but it left it’s impact on my life. Small rambles to your kids, might be life lessons for your kids. You never know…

Special shout out to all the Dad’s out there, who most likely don’t read my blog. Even more special shout to to my friend’s who have lost their Father’s, you’re in my thought’s and heart today!

What was once taboo, is now a common occurrence for today’s society. Celebrities appearances slowly transform throughout the years, but they refuse to admit they’ve gone under the knife. From breast implants, collagen injections to today’s most popular “booty implants.” It seems like we are all dieting, squatting and using those (exceptionally stupid) wraps to achieve what was Doctor made.

I’ve never been shy when it comes to talking about my tummy tuck/panniculectomy. For those of you who don’t know what what I’m talking about, I had a shit ton of loose skin removed from my abdomen area. This surgery changed my life in more ways than one. I’ve written about how proud I am of the scars, and how they changed how I looked at my body. I’ve also written about how thankful I was to be able to have something removed off of me that made me feel very insecure and was unhygienic.

One thing I haven’t opened up on is the inevitable plastic surgery obsession. From getting one surgery to finding a million other things wrong with my body. Things I had never noticed, and/or bothered me before. It is no joke when they when once you get one surgery, you start saving your pennies for your next.

Let me start from the beginning…

Going into an extensive weight loss journey, I had no idea what the outcome of my body would be. I safely assumed you lost weight and your body went back to its original form. I remember being a cupcake away from 300lbs, and going on the treadmill just imagining wearing a bikini and crop tops. I couldn’t wait to see how I would look in a smaller body.

The more weight I lost, the more I noticed areas of my body sagging, especially my stomach area. No matter how small I got, I assumed when I got smaller or if I gained more muscle the saggy areas would go. I was oblivious to the fact it was excess skin. I asked my Doctor about workouts to help with my droopy stomach, in which he told me to see a plastic surgeon.

So I saw a plastic surgeon, and they made me watch a video about “full body contouring” which is a breakdown of all of the surgeries to get to remove excess skin all over the body. Watching this video changed how I looked at my body, because it was then I knew my stomach wasn’t the only area affected…it was all over. There wasn’t any “target weight” or exercises I could do to change these areas. It was skin, and the only way to remove any of it was through surgeries I’ll never be able to afford.

Luckily, I got approved for my stomach through insurance, because it was considered a medical issue. Knowing this area would be fixed, I thought my whole body would be perfect. My hopes and dreams were high! I’d become one of the greatest vintage models since Bettie Page, and even Dita Von Teese would ask me to pose in her lingerie. I went through with the surgery, was in tons of pain and on bed rest for weeks.

With all the time I had healing, I would look at pictures of pinup models to actually give me inspiration to get back into modeling. Whenever I would look at pictures of these models, I would instantly think of how my body could not do that pose because of some issue with my excess skin. My stomach was fixed, but I found a million other things that I hated about my body. And the term “obsession” was an understatement.

Aside from my stomach, my arms were the second area of my body that I would say had the most damage after my weightloss. I’ve had people say to me “wow, your biceps are bigger than mine!” In reality, I have lots of skin. Whenever I shoot with a new photographer, I always warn them I can’t do certain poses because it will show. Everyone loves to tell me how “wraps” are such a godsend. If wraps could mystically fix my body don’t you think my Doctor would’ve suggested that? Or I would’ve plastered myself in them years ago?

I’d start to look at how solid, tight and firm my abdomen area was, and pick at the saggy areas of my body. Suddenly my legs looked like dump trucks, my back looked like it was melting off of me, and my sides had a spongebob appearance. I would look at pricing for surgeries, and figured out how many jobs I could hold to save up for a downpayment for another one.

My obsession came to a halt when I talked to a girl I knew that wished she could’ve gotten the same surgery that I just had. Her insurance kept denying her, and she stated how horrible she felt about herself. “I worked so hard to lose weight, only to look disgusting under my clothes.” When I looked at her, I didn’t see this ugly destroyed body that was sagging…I saw a beautiful, determined girl who busted her ass to change her life. If this is how I genuinely saw her, then why didn’t I look at myself the same way?

My body is proof to myself, and to others that it’s never too late to change. My story, and my ability to be open about my past is proof to myself and others that we all have some insecurity and it’s OK to not be perfect. I know who I am as a person speaks louder than any typical pretty face. I could be your typical model, or I could be me in all my flaws and inspire another woman to be happy with hers. Hating my body isn’t going to change it, or fill my bank account with enough money to fix it. After all….

No >>BODY<< is perfect!

If you want to get plastic surgery, go for it. It’s your body, and nobody has to live with it everyday but you. Just take into account that plastic surgery will not solve all your problems, and it will definitely not make you happier with yourself if you already aren’t happy with you. With time, I would like to undergo a full body contour. Yet, I’m not going to hate every part of my body until I can get cut up. My advice to anyone going under the knife for cosmetic reasons, is to learn to make peace with your body as is it is, and/or undergo a form of therapy.

Life is too short to hate yourself because you saw some edited, malnourished, plastic-ly altered girl on the cover of a magazine. Society will always indirectly tell us how we’re supposed to look, but society can fuck off. There is a unique beauty in us all, and it’s not always what’s on the outside.

I hate tomatoes, I’ll pass on the olives, and I don’t eat big dinner’s on Sunday’s with my family. Oh, did I mention I’m Italian? Yep, that’s where all my dark features come from. Not from the Spanish and/or Asian lineage most people assume I’m from. (10 years ago, my friends nicknamed me “Double A” which stood for “Asian Al”, even my Dad got in on the jokes and deemed me “chi-rican”.)

My Italian heritage comes from my Mother’s side. My Mother’s parent’s were off-the-boat Italian’s, who came to America from Calabria. My Mother was born in America, but lived in Italy for a good amount of time during her childhood and early adolescent years. In fact, it wasn’t until about two years ago that my Father told me that my Mother’s second language is English. (I personally don’t hear her accent, but I’ve had friends in the past tell me they can hear it in the way she emphasizes her vowels.) My Grandparent’s were the only ones in their (huge) families to leave Italy and move to America. My entire life I have heard stories about my extended family, how beautiful Italy is and how I need to move there to meet my future Italian husband. (Sorry Nonni, fell in love with a Scottish-Polish mutt!) Also, my entire life I had dreamed of going to Italy and meeting my family.

Nonni, Mom and I! 3 Generations!

For almost a year now, I’ve had an amazing opportunity to work as a part of the beauty team for Supermodel’s Unlimited Magazine. Of course, you’re probably thinking how do I work for a Supermodel Magazine when I single-handedly make it a point to bash today’s media and beauty standard’s? Well, SU (short for Supermodel’s Unlimited) stands for everything I believe in. Their model’s are of all different sizes, shapes, ages, ethnic backgrounds and stand for something beyond being a pretty face. These are model’s who will be studying while I’m doing their hair, and talk about how they’re upset their GPA is only a 3.9 but they’re working hard for that 4.0. These are girl’s who’re much, much smaller than I am and had no remarks about how I was walking next to them in a fashion show. Why? Because SU believes the beauty on the inside count’s a lot more than the beauty on the outside. A trait in which all of their model’s instill within themselves.

In this short amount of time that I’ve been working for SU, I’ve been able to cross many thing’s off of my bucket list. This past summer they asked me to model for the magazine, which in turn made other people take me more seriously as a model. They’ve flown me out to Tennessee to do hair and makeup for their pageants, as well as ask me to walk in a fashion show of theirs. These are opportunities most people dream of, and I’ve been so blessed to do. I’ve always mentioned how thankful I am for all of these things, but any word I can write could not express just how thankful I’ve been. Yet, just when I thought they couldn’t make anymore of my dreams come true…

They asked my boss Alicsia and I to be apart of the beauty team to fly out and do photo shoot’s for the Magazine in…

ROME, ITALY!

Yes, ITALY! YES! YES! YES!

My eyes water every time I think about it! I’ll visiting the country my family is from, to meet people I’ve only heard about my whole life. I’m also not JUST going there because I decided to fly out to visit family. I’m there going to be working in my career field for a beautiful company that I believe in so much! The best part is, SU believe’s in me too. Time to brush up on some Italian, and get a (pink) marker to cross “visit Italy” off the top of my bucket list. Also, can’t forget to throw out a bunch of clothes in my closet to make room for some hot European threadzzzz! Haha!

#SUmakingdreamsCOMETRUE

No matter the dream, keep working towards it! Whether it’s a major weight loss goal, or that dream job. Dedication and a positive attitude is what will get you there. If something happens along the way, whether you lose an opportunity or “friends” make you second guess their motives… just remember, not all things or people are meant to be in your life. Way better opportunities, and people are waiting for you. They’ll just come at the right time!

If there are two things I’m known for, it’s my crazy colored hair that I’ve had various shades of pink, red and purple the past 3 years. The second is that my crazy colored hair is always “on point” and never looks dull or faded. Of course, I’m a professionally licensed hair stylist so I have the means to stay on top of my color. Yet, as a hair stylist it’s also harder to get your hair done because you don’t have the time to do it! Then when you do have the time to do it, the LAST thing you want to do is sit in a salon. So within the course of these 3 years I’ve found tricks and products to make my color last to it’s full potential!

1. MAKE SURE THAT WATER IS AS COLD AS YOUR EXES HEARTOk, maybe not that cold BUT cold water is key. When you use hot water on your hair color, it strips it faster. In order to maximize color longevity, wash your hair with lukewarm to cold water. I know a cold shower sounds awful, but you don’t need to have a cold shower. Pull your hair up, or use a shower cap while washing your body then save washing your hair for last. This way you can quickly get it over with, and jump out!

2. WASH YOUR ASS EVERYDAY, NOT YOUR HAIR…If I’m your hair stylist, and you tell me that you wash your hair everyday but you want some funky, unique color in your hair…I’m going to cry. Why am I going to cry? Because I can already see your name popping up on my phone with the “so my hair is already faded and it’s only been a week” text. The less you wash your hair, the better! Honestly, you shouldn’t be washing it everyday to begin with. Dry shampoo is where IT’S AT! You’ve got super greasy hair? You’ve got dark roots and you’re scared it’ll leave a gray cast in your hair? Try Alterna’s “Bamboo Mango Coconut Dry Shampoo.” Spray it in, brush your hair back to dissolve the product and bam…you’re good!

3. PANTENE IS SH**I’m sorry to break it to you but… I don’t recommend products to you because I CAN’T wait to see that extra 20 cents in my paycheck by selling it to you. I recommend them because they will serve a major purpose for your hair, especially if it’s color. I’m sure you wouldn’t walk into a shoe store and buy the cheapest pair of running shoes that will destroy your feet. You’d pay that extra couple bucks to assure you’ve got quality shoes to prevent future damage. If you’re going to commit to crazy colored hair, commit to the products that will make your life easier. In a span of 3 years, I’ve tried every color-safe shampoo you can think of and narrowed it down to my two favorites. Aveda’s Color Conserve (godsend…godsend…godsend!) and Pureology’s “Hydrate.” What I loved about both of these shampoo’s (which are very alike) is they’re highly concentrated so you only have to use a small amount of product at a time. I’ve found that I’ve had a hard time letting my color fade by using these shampoo’s.

4. FRYING YO SKIN, FRYING YO HAIRBelieve it or not, the sun can strip your hair color. I never get my hair colored before I go on vacation to the beach because I know it’ll look the way it did before I colored it. My best advice for you summer sun addicts like myself…wear a hat, and use a “hair sunscreen.” A “hair sunscreen” will be a protective shield over your hair to prevent damage from the sun, including color fading. A great one to try is Alterna’s “Bamboo Beach Summer Shineshine Spray.” (Yes, I’m an Alterna junkie…can’t help it!)

5. SAVE SOME ELECTRICITY, SHUT THAT SH– OFF…Less heat tools you use, the better. In general, it protects of the longevity of color, especially pastel tones…it also keep’s your hair healthier. For hot tool junkies like myself, I try to wash my hair on days I’ve time to let it air dry. I also use a thermal protectant on my hair anytime I plan on using heat tools. Sebastian’s “Trilliant” spray is like liquid gold. Also, I’m obsessed with AG’s “BB Cream” and have found it to extend my color and create healthier/faster hair growth.

So here you go! Some words of wisdom from a hair color junkie, and professional. I hope these help you guys out, and I hope you jump on the funky color bandwagon. Because well, why not? I mean who doesn’t want to get “I love your hair!” compliments everywhere you go? And depending on your funky color of choice, younger girl’s will think you’re a princess or a mermaid! Just do yourself a favor, and go see a professional if you decide on it. Funky colors are great, but if they are not done correctly they can look terrible or damage the hell out of your hair! If you wouldn’t buy condoms at the dollar store, don’t go to your friend who watched a YouTube video and “can totally do that gray hair for you.” But if you are the person who would buy condoms at a dollar store, I suggest you buy the pregnancy test along with it too. Haha!

Until next time my be-you-tiful friends!
Xoxoxo,
Alexandra

Crystal aka the soon to be Mrs. Day!

A SPECIAL thank you to my co worker, and friend Crystal. Recently Crystal had squeezed me into her jam packed schedule (twice) to do my hair color for pin up related event’s. In the past when I had been out of work for my panniculectomy surgery, Crystal would do my hair last minute at no charge just to cheer me up. She’s been a great friend to me, and an even greater hair stylist. She is the one that 3 years ago formulated my signature raspberry hair color that I refuse to get rid of. Crystal is a true talent, and I’m a picky bitch so you know she’s got to be good.

…Honestly, I don’t have a penis so I couldn’t give you a straight answer.

Recently, I watched the 80’s action movie “Bloodsport” with my boyfriend. If anyone has seen it, you probably remember the immaculate shape the actor Jean Claude Van Damme (pictured above) was in. Clearly, the guy busted his ass to get that overly sculpted body. Watching that movie, (which I ironically liked) made me wonder to myself “is this the kind of guy most men compare themselves to?” Us women look at thin, toned, large chested, big booty women and we instantly think “oh wow, if only I looked like that.” Is it the same for men? Was my boyfriend looking Jean thinking “Wow, wish I looked more like that. Maybe I need to eat less shit, and lift more weights.” Or even better, the typical girl thought as an attractive women is on the TV and you’re sitting next to your significant other “bet he’s loving that sight.” Was my boyfriend thinking I was just in awe of this guy? Then my mind kept wandering…

(Yes, I’m an over thinker. Just in case you guys were wondering.)

There is such a strong tie to women and the pressure’s of how we’re supposed to look. We have no problem voicing our opinion on the burden of being a woman in our day and age with today’s beauty standard’s. We have song’s to empower us, campaigns to promote awareness and cute pin up girls who blog about body image issues among women (wink wink). Yet, we rarely shed light to the standards that men have to live up to. Us women think we have it so bad, and life is a cake walk for men. Maybe we have these thoughts because men don’t openly voice their opinions about themselves. Obviously, this isn’t a topic that would be as accepted to the majority of the male population as it is to the female population.

If you are into men, you know there are certain physical traits about them that your “standard’s” will not budge for. (Men, we know you have some standard’s about your ladies…it’s the world we live in.) There are some that are obvious, good hygiene and not being a lazy bum. What about the small details? For instance, “said guy” has to have a full head of hair, no thinning hair line. He HAS to be taller than you, with a nice smile, nice eyes, and good skin. Let’s not forget how unattractive those beer gut’s are, or guys who’re TOO skinny. Obviously, average and/or athletic build with big arms is exactly what you’re looking for. He can’t be too young looking, because you want a man, and if he’s older he better at have aged nicely. Better be packing too, you’re not into men for no reason. Now take all of these physical traits that you’re looking for, and add the fact that men also have way more pressure’s beyond physical appearance. They need good cars, good jobs, can’t live at home and have to pick up the bill. They also can’t give off any impression that they’re unsure of where their life is going because how will they ever be able to take care of your possible future family? Oh, and they have to provide…provide…provide. Men have just as many pressure’s as women, just in different aspect’s.

Now, the list above isn’t my personal check list of thing’s, as much as it’s thing’s I’ve heard through the grape vine from friend’s. Of course, I do have my own standards…who doesn’t? Some of them have nothing to do with men, as much as they have to do with my own personal insecurities. For instance, I usually shy away from shorter men. Not because there is anything wrong with short men, as much as I feel insecure next to them. I’m about 5’8, and I’m not a small girl. Growing up, I was picked on for my height and weight. Holding hands with a guy whose shorter than me, makes me feel like everyone around me is looking at me like that “big girl” again. Of course, it could all be in my head. At least I can admit to it. Some girl’s are heartless about it like “oh, if you under 5’6 you ain’t no man…you a bitch.” Etc, etc. Just as heartless as if someone wrote “if you got anything under a C cup, you a man with the wrong parts.”

Provide, provide, provide. It doesn’t matter that it’s 2016, there are still plenty of women who think it’s a man’s job to take care of her. Waking up 50 year’s old, in a loveless marriage that you stay in because you can’t afford to leave is a real thing. Yeah, it’s nice to have a guy that will take you out but you better be able to take care of yourself before you decide to commit to anyone. It’s nobody’s job to make sure that you got what you need but yourself. Holding someone else accountable for things you can’t do for yourself is pathetic! What else is also pathetic is how much focus we put on the stereotype of men as Father’s. Most people act as if a “good Father” is such a rarity it could be put in the same category as a Unicorn…but what about the bad Mother’s? They do exist. We just don’t glorify their existence as much as bad Father’s. 9/10 a child will be given to the Mother in a custody battle, whether or not she’s the more reliable parent.

When it comes down to it, it doesn’t matter who you are, male or female…there’s a pressure of what we’re indirectly told we need to be like. There is also a pressure of what we can be stereotyped as. I feel like us ladies spend a lot of time bitching about how hard we have it, how we’re so damaged from some douchebag we met that we never take the time to appreciate the good guys. Yes, good guys do exist…just like bad women do exist. All in all, being a human isn’t easy. I’m sure if you look at your significant other, he’s probably not Brad Pitt wiping his ass with $100 dollar bills. Yet, you look at him as though he were (in his own way) because he’s perfect for you. He care’s for you the way you’re meant to be cared for, and the things he lacks…you don’t look at as “lack’s.” Once you hit a certain part of life, you come to terms that not everyone is perfect…including yourself.

Now how ridiculous did I sound listing off all of those “flaw’s” about men? Shallow, petty, and picky. Men, if any girl is reading you off by any of those things, or if you feel you have to be a certain way to impress a girl…ditch her. There is someone else whose going to love the things about you that she doesn’t. Now ladies, notice how I mentioned you look at your significant other like he’s the greatest thing despite his flaws. It’s the same thing your man feel’s about you. You might not be Kim Kardashian running down the beach with both ends bouncing up and down, but you don’t need to be that OR have to be that. Someone who truly loves you, whose WORTH loving you…would never make you feel as if you have to be anything more than yourself. This is a good reminder of a healthy relationship, so if you’re with someone who you never feel good enough for…ditch them. You won’t ever be enough for them, nor will the next person. Also, I will add in my 2 cents of learning to love yourself before you can let someone else love you. Love is supposed to be a nice addition to your life, not your whole purpose or how you look at your personal worth.

Even though I know he’s going to read this and be like “where the hell did she even get these thoughts from?” If my boyfriend ever looked at another guy, whether it’s some movie star or some guy on the street and thought to himself “oh, I wish I looked more like that.” I’d just look at him and say “but I don’t.” To me, he’s absolutely gorgeous and I wouldn’t change a thing. Despite that he is very easy on the eyes, he’s got the best personality out of anyone I’ve ever met. He’s not a sweet talker, but he does things to show how he cares and remembers everything I tell him down to the hundreds of corny little “inside jokes” we have. I can tell you one thing, I have not seen every guy that’s walked earth but I know none of them could ever compare to way I look at him and most importantly the way he makes me feel about myself. He doesn’t need to be this stereotyped, Hollywood approved “Prince Charming,” he’s my Prince Charming…and you can’t script that.

I mean, comon…how much cuter could he get?

So, take the time today to appreciate any guy in your life that you care for. Whether it’s a Brother, Father, Boyfriend…etc. Remind them that who they are is exactly what you need in your life. Also, don’t have word vomit and quote me saying “you know, you aren’t Brad Pitt but I like you as if you were Brad Pitt.” You might be in the doghouse for that. Guy’s you’re great, thanks for dealing with us. Special shout out to my Dad, and Brother’s because growing up with more men in the family than women is why I have a special spot in my heart for guys. Otherwise, I might be a hater too. Haha!

You ever get invited to something and you’re not sure how to dress or act? Welcome to my life. As a teenager who (luckily) didn’t go to many funeral’s, I showed up to a family friend’s funeral in a hot pink jacket. I can’t recall a time in my life before that moment in which I’d ever gotten so many dirty looks. I’m notorious for under-dressing for fancy events then showing up to something dressed to the nines, in which I could’ve looked homeless and have been fine. I’ll RSVP to your party saying I’m coming, only to forget about it until I see the pictures from the event on Facebook… the next day. My name is Alexandra, and if sucking/being completely oblivious at life was an Olympic sport… I’d be getting America the gold for years to come.

I was invited to an engagement party this past Saturday. I got an invitation for it weeks ahead, even RSVP’d to it about a week before the party. Then on Saturday morning my photographer (and might as well be manager), Michael Wilson sent me a text asking me what time I was planning on heading to the engagement party. In typical Alexandra fashion, I read his text and was like “what the f— are you talking about?” Then once my memory came back to me, I slapped myself on the forehead and rolled my eyes. “OMG…thank GOD you reminded me. I will be there! Oh, uh…can I hitch a ride with you guys?” was my response. I couldn’t miss this engagement party, it was for one of my pin up girl’s! I couldn’t even believe she invited us, because we had only met a few times. It was an honor to be invited to a special day of hers, that would lead up the happiest day of her life!

Kristin and I at Milltown. Also, I have no affiliation with PBR, our outfits just matched the sign. Gansett Girl for life, baby!

Let me tell you about this newly engaged pin up gal. For starters, her name is Kristin and we met last year at the 2015 Frank Marratta Auto Show. We competed against each other in the pin up contest, and became friends in the process. The one memory I had of Kristin that really stood out to me, was when we were walking up the stage for the start of the contest. I said to her, “I’m really nervous” and she smiled at me and replied “it’s not as scary as it seems, you’ll be great.” I felt like I could trust Kristin’s advice, considering she already had a title under her belt as the winner of the 2014 Miss Milltown Belle Pageant. Kristin and I ended up seeing each other more often at car shows, and always gravitated towards one another. She is always a pretty face I look forward to seeing at any car show and/or pin up event.

Now back to Saturday…

The engagement party was an hour away from where I live, that is why I asked if I could hitch a ride with my friends. My friend’s being Michael, and his plus one which was his brother Dan. Yes, I was the 3rd wheel. Anyways… I met up with them right when I got out of work, and we headed over. I spent most of the car ride in and out of sleep, bitching about how hungry I was, and trying to remember what Kristin’s fiancé’s name was. We all definitely brain stormed what his name was for about 10 minutes, as if we couldn’t have just went on Facebook and found it out. After what seemed like a life time of a car ride, we finally made it to the hall where the engagement party was being held. We were happy, and felt reassured it could be a potential good time because the parking lot was full. We also pulled in right as free cocktail hour was over…because I made us late to begin with. How do I have friends? I don’t know. Must be because I’m such a great blogger! Ha. Ha.

Walking into the hall, I noticed it was decorated like it was still Valentines Day. Red heart’s and balloon’s all over the place. We were greeted by a man at the front who took our jacket’s for us and said he’d send salad’s to our table. Right away, I knew this was too fancy for how I was dressed. When we walked into the room, everyone looked immaculate. The gentlemen were in suits, and the ladies were in heel’s and dresses. Meanwhile, I looked like that creepy cousin that your parent’s make you talk to on Thanksgiving…dressed in all black. When we walked in, we caught sight of Kristin wearing a tight emerald dress, looking like she was about to pose for Vogue. She told us to have a seat with her close friends, and we did. “I feel so under dressed right now,” is what I said to Mike and Dan. “Uh–you look. Fancy?” is how they both replied scratching their heads. Always so reassuring.

A couple cocktails, and some food later… I did not give a shit that I looked like I showed up to the wrong party. We were having a blast! There was a photo booth, which we took full advantage of. The couple who we sat with were so kind, and ironically the guy came from the same town as me. Eventually the entire room was asked to sit and then we heard the chiming of glasses which I figured would lead to a toast. Kristin’s fiancé Joe (yes- we FINALLY figured the name out) mentioned how Elvis was in the house, and a mini Elvis came out and started dancing around. Everyone in the room was cracking up to the dancing Elvis, and we all taped him to post on our snap chat stories (well, that’s what I did.) After Elvis was done dancing, they called Kristin to come out. I looked back to where Elvis entered the room and my jaw flew to the floor. Kristin was walking through the room in a white wedding dress. I smacked Mike on the shoulder and said “wait, was this a f–king wedding and I didn’t know it?” he goes “it’s an engagement party not a wedding.”

Oh, it was a wedding alright!

I wish I could put into words what it was like to be at a surprise wedding, especially when I’ve only met the people throwing it less than a handful of times. I was shocked, over joyed, and blown away. As someone who doesn’t know anything about their personal relationship, I could feel the love between those two as they looked into each others eyes. It was such a beautiful moment to be apart of. My mind couldn’t help but wander and think about all my other pin up girl’s I’ve bonded with. All of them with their own genuine qualities and passion’s towards life. I can honestly say that I don’t care about pageants or competitions as much as I look forward to seeing the friend’s I’ve made, that I’m lucky to take pretty picture’s next to. I feel like I can identify with these girls because we aren’t the Taylor Swift bittie’s of 2016. We like different things, and we enjoy being different than most girls.

As I picked my melted heart up off the ground, I ran up to Kristin and gave her the largest hug. I probably said “holy shit” ten times in a row to describe how shocked I was by the surprise wedding. I also thanked her for inviting me to such a special day. Her response to that? “I wanted people here who inspire me, and that I feel make a difference in my life and others.” My response to her? Holding back my tears. Women uplifting women? Who are supposed to (essentially be) in competition with one another? It’s an unusual and beautiful thing, especially since it also brought us together! I can only hope pin up brings more beautiful moment’s and people into my life.

Dan (blondie), Mike (brunette-y), Kristin and I!

The rest of the night was history…dancing, singing with a couple more cocktails in between. The best day’s (in my opinion) are the ones you never expect. I woke up that morning thinking I should contact some of my girl friend’s I hadn’t seen in awhile. Then I was reminded of plans that I had already made, which turned into the surprise of a life time. Congrats to Kristin and Joe! With a lifetime of love, and surprises! Those two have inspired me though, because I need to find a way to shock the world like you guys did!

The smoke-show bride!

So if you wanted to ever do the pin up girl thing, you could go to bad ass pin up girl weddings. JUST SAYIN!

So you met a guy that you can’t stop thinking about, and everyone doesn’t know why. He only hit’s you up on Saturday night’s, which is the only time he’s not “too busy” to respond to you in less than 24 hours. You tell yourself that he’s just busy with work, maybe he’s also going to school or he’s not the type to have his phone attached to him. He’ll make snippy comments when you talk to another guy, but you’ll run into him having lunch with an ex girlfriend who is “only his friend and needed advice on her new relationship.” He’ll shower you with attention and affection one day, then the next time you see him he’ll make you feel like a stage 5 clinger when you act just as affectionate as he did. The sad part is that no matter how OBVIOUS it is that he is a douchebag, you will always find an excuse as to why its not what you think. Even though inside you DO know it is what you think! Then you’ll remember that one time he brought you a flower, or that one time he asked how you were feeling the day after you were getting sick. Let me tell you, I’ve been there and I’ve thought that…only to look stupid later on when my gut was right! He WAS a douchebag!

In our day and age, a new term has been deemed for the men of our generation who excel in douchebaggery… the “f–k boy.” To me, a f–k boy has nobody else’s interests in mind but his own, yet he play’s it off like he’s the total opposite. An example of such thing, a guy who has four or five girls that he picks and chooses to see on a daily basis. These four or five girls may or may not know about each other, but they all care for him and he’ll act caring towards them. YET, if you call him a player he will be insulted that you would even do such a thing because he does not share a “title” with any of them. According to an Urban Dictionary definition a “fuck boy” is “a manipulating dick who does whatever it takes to benefit him, regardless of who he screws over. They will screw over anyone and everyone as long as they get what they want.” So for those of you who were confused by the term, these two explanations should give you an understanding of a “f–k boy.”

Being single for a good amount of time has been a different experience for me, only because I have met so many walks of life. I felt like every time I left a date, I’d think to myself “on what planet was I when I stumbled upon this guy?” From the guy who says “I barely use my phone” when he takes days to respond to something I said to him but wont get off of his phone when we’re out for dinner. Then there was the guy who showed up to a date hung over, told me that he didn’t shower and that he didn’t have enough money to pay for the both of us. I feel like I have been on a date with it all, and dealt with it all. In fact, when I thought I finally stumbled across a nice guy who told me he really cared for me, acted like he did…and got me to feel that way for him. Yeah, this “nice guy” suddenly remembered he’s not over his ex because of a “dream he had” and was “sorry” he led me on but I should “take into consideration what he’s going through.” Yes, you messed with my feelings, and wasted my time but I should be understanding to YOU.

Welcome to 2016, where relationships and dating are about as promising as a Ja Rule comeback.

In my opinion, I’m a nice girl. I’m friendly to anyone who is nice to me, I work hard for everything I have and I have the humor of a pre pubescent boy so I’ll watch raunchy comedies with you. I can take a joke, and throw them back. I probably enjoy the bands you enjoy, and I know how to have a good time even in the most boring scenario’s. I’d like to think I’m a catch, I mean come on…who doesn’t want to date a pin up girl? (We’re the coolest of the cool, haha!) So WHY is it that I’m attracting these boys trapped in men’s bodies? I know I’m not the only one who has gone through this, and continues to go through this. Therefore, I asked 5 guys their opinions. These gentlemen are in their mid to late twenties, so they are in the correct age group/generation where the “fuck-boys” are bred but also crossing into the adulthood of being mature men. Some are married, some are fathers and some are single. They are of different ethnic backgrounds, and live in various area’s throughout the United States. I thought what they had to say was interesting, and gave a good insight to the men’s perspective of the dating world.

The question the guys were given were “Why do women love men who treat them like shit? Or is there anything that women do to allow this “f–k boy” generation to turn into a plague?”

(Side note: I asked for a couple sentences to a paragraph. And just like men, I get books.)

1. COMFORT & ATTENTION
“I think a lot of women who are in relationships, whether they are healthy or not, often stay in them because they hate the idea of change or having to break up. Plus, especially in this generation, women (mostly immature ones) crave attention and take it regardless of if it is healthy or harmful to them. I think that part of the whole ‘f–k boy’ issue because so many women allow themselves to associate with men like that. ” – Adam, 252. INSECURITY & SETTLING
“I think there’s plenty of reasons as to why women allow men to treat them like shit. One main reason is insecurity, which to me is crazy. I feel like women get so wrapped up in believing that no other man is going to love them so they take the stupid mental abuse that their shitty boyfriend throws them everyday. More women need to believe in themselves and not settle for less when it comes to men and relationships. Know your worth!”-Tim, 243. SOCIAL MEDIA
“I think the attraction that women have to fuck-boy’s stems back to childhood when girls are taught if a boy picks on you then the boy likes you. On top of that, social media, dating sites like tinder, and the way we socialize and interact with each other has changed greatly, and our relationships have followed suit. It makes it harder for the ‘good guys’ because it makes women distrustful of genuine affection and romance, fuckboys are ruining it all. My advice to women is to respect yourself. Pay heed to red flags if they appear, know your worth and try to disconnect from our new media form of dating.”-James, 27

(Side note: These two following gentlemen both agreed that women don’t do anything that gives guys the OK to treat them like shit, they believe it stemmed from deeper things…)

4. THE “NEW & IMPROVED” ADDICTION
“We’re in a throw away culture. If something doesn’t work, you don’t fix it. You upgrade. You get rid of whatever isn’t working out for you and replace it with something that is. It’s easier. The same thing applies to humans. Unfortunately, I think this situation is perpetuated by both sides in some cases. It’s becoming the accepted norm, which is fucking depressing.”-Bryan, 27

5. LOW SELF ESTEEM
“What isn’t taught that I find most important in young girls and young women? Self esteem. You’re not raised on what makes you feel good about yourself. And even if you are, ladies have it tough! Ya’ll are not nice enough to each other, not one bit. The social standards for acceptance is too damn high and doesn’t even include the media!”-Peyton,29

Now, reading what these guy’s had to say definitely opened my eyes. Especially the re-occurrence of self esteem, settling and the mention of social media. At my age, social media has been apart of my life since mirror pictures were all over MySpace. Although, how connected we are to one another is scary to think about when it comes to relationships, and how the younger generation perceives relationships (yanno…texting night and day). I’ve been in angry fights with ex boyfriends over what ex girlfriends picture they liked, or why they didn’t respond to my text but posted on Twitter. And I’ve had guys get mad at me for not responding to them right away, or for liking another guy’s picture. I’m SURE if you’re of a younger audience and have social media…it’s been brought up in a fight before.

I can’t imagine being a hormonal teenager in my first relationship with the social media we have today, where you can be connected to someone in 5 different ways. The same social media that puts (too much) emphasis on butts so big, you wonder where they were hiding 10 years ago when fake boobs were all the rage. The same social media that will hash tag “relationship goals” and put a picture of an attractive looking couple indirectly telling you that someone’s looks is what matters in a relationship. The same social media that makes you believe someone is just taking a picture on their phone and uploading it, when it’s being retouched and was chosen out of a hundred others that were taken as well. My advice to you (and even myself) on the social media issue? Let social media be as influential to your personal life as it is to your ability to breathe. (Well, maybe there’s an APP for that…who knows.) Either way, I don’t give a f–k if Sally from High School see’s that my future boyfriend posted how much he love’s me. Why? Because well, I don’t talk to Sally in my everyday life and f–k Sally. (She never likes my selfies anyways- haha!)

Self esteem and settling… boy, oh boy is that true. Being a woman has it’s pressure’s and they are very hard to put aside. You want to say you love your body, but you see that Victoria’s Secret commercial and your self esteem shatters. Or maybe you’re the type to never give yourself a break…you can always be better, you can always do better but you’ll never be good enough for the ridiculous standards you set for yourself. It’s sad to say but you ARE how you feel about yourself. Not that you are the mean things you tell yourself, but that low self esteem and insecurity radiates from your pores. It’s in the way you present yourself, how you take a compliment and how you treat other people. Take a look inside of yourself, and put yourself together before you let someone else become a part of you. You need to build your own life while creating a healthy relationship within you. A girl who knows her worth wont settle. So DON’T settle! Why be unhappy with the wrong person? Do you know how many people there are in the world? You will find someone else, even if it seems like your shit partner is the last person on earth. If you treat somebody good, then you deserve to be treated the same way. Stop thinking you can’t do better, STOP SETTLING!

Now you’re probably wondering how I took the guys advice and addressed it towards my personal life., During the time of all of those crazy dates I went on, all I could think of is where I was at in my life at that time. My conclusion is that it wasn’t the time of my life in which I wanted to commit to someone. I thought I wanted to date and possibly meet someone but underneath it all, I didn’t want to. Yeah, I missed having someone around (at times) but it was just that…having someone around. I wasn’t going to put my career or modeling to the side because my boyfriend wanted to go away that weekend. I didn’t want to stop going out with my friends, or having to take someone else into consideration when I decide (last minute) that I’m going to go camping with my guy friends. My heart was NOT in the right place, and the vibes I was giving off to those around men was “I wanna do me, don’t take me seriously.” And trust me, none of them did. Right now, I am ready to open up my heart again, as a year of being single to do whatever I want, and be as selfish as I want has finally lost it’s pizzaz. Doesn’t mean I’ll settle for the first guy who comes around, it’s got to be the RIGHT guy. And there ARE good guys out there, NOT all of them are bad! Just like not all girls are good, but not all of us are bad either!

A big shout out to all the good guys of the world, keep being gentlemen…we appreciate you! Thank you to the guys who took their time to answer the question for me, you guys rock! And thanks to all my be-you-tiful readers!

If my email’s and messages from Facebook could automatically separate themselves by topic choice, “weight loss help” would be filled with thousands of messages. In fact, I would put money on the fact that “topic” would have three times as many emails/messages than any others. I get a message/email a day about how I lost my weight, what exercise routine is and how to stay on track. I LOVE hearing from people, and I LOVE helping people. The fact that I can be associated with health and inspire anyone to change their lives is more meaningful to me than my own weight loss journey. So I knew it was time to incorporate the actual HARD WORK, and mental strength it takes to change your lifestyle and lose weight. Recently, one of the message’s I got was how to get back on track after losing weight and inevitably gaining a little of it back. Whether you’ve maintained the same weight, lost your healthy eating habits, lost the motivation to continue your weight loss journey…you can STILL turn back around! And for those who are looking to start a new journey, what better time than right now!

I, myself have gained a little weight from my smallest size. I stopped making my health my first priority before my career or pin up modeling. My workouts went from intense and daily planned to “ok, I have one hour…so I’m going to run for an hour before I go into work.” My diet went from having one coffee a week on a Saturday because I had to work two jobs that day, to drinking a caramel swirl iced coffee everyday from Dunkin Donuts. Now you’d think because I still make going to the gym a priority that I would leveled out my weight. NOPE! Diet is the key to success, especially for a girl like me who has PCOS! So with that message about how to “get back on track,” I figured it was a beautiful time to not only inspire YOU to challenge yourself to either start a healthy life style or to get back to where you were! We can do it TOGETHER!

So these are OUR goals for the week…

1. A POSITIVE ATTITUDEIf you can’t do this for yourself, do not read the following 4 steps. A successful, weight loss journey (with long term success) is only obtainable with a strong, positive mental state. You need to BELIEVE in yourself, and when I say believe in yourself…you better KNOW you’re going to get where you want to be. You need to LET GO of “ugh, how did I let myself get this big?” or any thought’s of “I’ll never get back to where I was.” You can! You will! So tell yourself that! So for the first week, every night jot down one positive thing about yourself or your day on a piece of paper and fold it up. At the end of the week, re read it to yourself and remind yourself of the beauty that is you and your life. I’m serious, and I’m going to do it too! (There are thousand’s of things that are wonderful about you, so don’t act like it’s going to be so hard to come up with 7.)

2. TRACK EVERYTHING THAT ENTERS YOUR MOUTHAnd to all you perverts out there, I’m talking about food and drink! Whether you use an app on your phone, or you write it down in a journal. If you put it in your mouth, even if it’s one chip…you NEED to write it down. This way you can narrow down what your diet consists of, and how much you’re putting into your body. You could be eating a whole day’s worth of calories by noon and not even know it. Getting in the habit of keeping track of your food can also help you for inevitable plateau’s in the future. I use “My Fitness Pal” and I’m obsessed with it. I highly recommend it to anyone because it makes “food logging” too easy!

3. SET GOALSThis the best piece of advice I could give anyone for a stable and successful weight loss journey. It’s like my dirty little secret, but a really obvious secret. You want to set an overall goal for yourself, but SMALLER ONES in the meantime to get there. Looking at the big picture will give you anxiety, and you’ll lose your patience fast. So set SMALL goals to reach the big daddy goal/overall goal. My first goal in my journey was to get into a jean size that wasn’t in the 20’s. Once I got there, my goal was to get out of the 200’s on the scale. Small goals each time, so that when you reach them you feel inspired, hopeful and motivated to keep going. SO my overall goal is to finally get to the “goal size” I set for myself years ago, but my small goal in the meantime is to get back to the size I was at the beginning of the summer. DO NOT set more than one goal for yourself at a time, focus on one thing at a time so you can put yourself 100% into it. What’s your small goal that’ll lead to the big goal?

4. START OFF SLOW…Unless you know you’re the type that can go “cold turkey” on your unhealthy diet habits, then disregard this step. For the rest of you who are like me and know you can’t just kick something out of your diet without binge eating it a couple days later….here’s a solution. Slowly remove the sh*t food from your diet. For instance, I love ordering a medium iced caramel swirl coffee with one cream in the morning. My overall goal is to cut caffeine out of my diet, while make my sugar intake minimal and drinking more water. My short term goal will help me reach my overall goal by slowly pulling both out of my diet. So my challenge to myself is to switch over to tea with one sugar and no cream. That way my body can slowly rid itself of that morning sugar and caffeine craving. By the end of the week I want to narrow the amount of sugar in my tea into half a packet. For another example, an alternative someone else could use is to get a small size (instead of the medium), ask for a half a pump of the caramel swirl and switch over to skim milk instead of cream. Next week, when you go through your food log, you’ll adjust your sh*t food habits once again until your body doesn’t desire it anymore. Also, make sure you drink plenty of water! PLENTY!

5. MAKE TIME FOR WORKING OUT“I don’t have time for any of the stuff you listed.” Ok, but you had time to read this…therefore, you had time to do at the least 25 crunches. For someone who doesn’t work out, that is A LOT. You don’t have to run into a gym, or go to a class for your body to get a work out. Depending on where you are starting off, something as simple as cleaning the house for an hour will burn calories for you. If you do no minimal to no activity, make it a point to squeeze in 30 min’s of an activity that causes you to move your body and challenge yourself. If you go to the gym once a week, add an extra day. If you do what I do, just use a machine for an hour, challenge yourself by doing 10 minutes of weight lifting or doing a class. Even waking up 10 minutes early to do some squats in your bedroom is doing SOMETHING. Make sure to challenge yourself but don’t overdo yourself to injure yourself.

Now, to finish off these weekly “back on track” blogs I’m going to show you an inspirational weight loss photo to remind you of those who have been there, and did it. So this week’s inspiration is Miss Ashley! She has busted her ass to get where she is in her journey. No surgeries, or fad diet’s…hard work and dedication. Which is the BEST way to go about it! I’m so proud of her, and there are plenty of time’s I’ve hit the gym hard because she inspired me with a before & after picture she posted. Keep it going Ashley, you’re an INSPIRATION to us all!

I hope this helped some of you out, and I hope you guys do the challenges with me! If you do it, let me know how your week went! Feel free to send me any tips that worked for you, or your own weight loss story to be the inspiration story for next week! And remember, there is no mystical, magical diet that will make you lose weight without any effort. Fad diets work for a short time, but most of them do not have long term success stories. This is something that TAKES patience, sacrifice and mental strength. Yeah, I can’t promise you that you’ll be in that pair of jeans you can’t fit into by next week. I can tell you one thing though, if you challenge your mind and change your lifestyle to a healthy one…there’s a chance you won’t be growing out of those pants again.

You ever wonder what it’s like to go from “the ugly duckling” to the “fat girl with the pretty face” to the “cherry bomb pin up girl”? From getting bullied to having the same people who bullied you want to be your friend? What it feel’s like to have the guy who wouldn’t date you now starting to chase after you? Or what it’s like to walk into a room and not give a damn what anyone thinks? Then keep reading!

I thought this topic would go nicely after the previous “ugly duckling” blog. I got so many messages from people regarding how they were bullied as well, and I got yelled at by my parent’s for never telling them I was bullied. I could never imagine telling my full bred Italian Mother (who lives up to every stereotype) that I was getting bullied. Oh, it would’ve ended just as ugly as you imagined. Although it did have a positive message, it wasn’t easy to post or open about but it meant something to so many people and that is what matter’s to me most. It also helped me start closing up an “emotional wound” that I carry with me into every new friendship or man of interest that I get myself into…

“You wouldn’t at have wanted anything to do with me if I looked the way I used to.”

2010-at my highest weight

I would have to say that thought doesn’t pertain to friendships as much as men because I refuse to surround myself around shitty people. Yet, it is always the first thought that runs through my mind anytime I meet a guy. I’ll pay attention to how they treat other people, what they say about the people around them and if they make one fat joke about a person in the room…they’re cut off the island. I talk about my weight loss a lot via social media, but in my everyday life I wont bring it up unless it has do with a conversation or someone else brings it up. So it’s not like these guy’s get the head’s up about me to watch how the act around me. I’ve found that if I do tell guy’s about my weight loss journey, they always lie and tell me about how they love to go to the gym (then you date them and they don’t go…ever). Recently, I was talking to a guy and when I told him about my past he said to me “I bet you were just as pretty and awesome then as you are now.” If I had a button that made balloons and glitter fall out of the sky with a giant banner that says “YOU WIN!”…I would’ve pressed it at that moment. Too bad it didn’t work out with him, but that’s life!

Contrary to popular belief, hearing “wow you look so good NOW” is not a compliment. Some people tend to forget that the “fat girl” they used to know didn’t die and resurrect as a smaller version of herself with no recollection of the past. Recently I was out at a bar and saw a guy that I grew up with. If you were to stereotype him by teenage terms he would’ve fell under the “nerd” category. I remember him always trying to be one of the “cool kids” because he didn’t have many friends but was always nice to everyone. I decided to say “Hi” to him and he introduced me to one of his family member’s who I used to know as well. His family member didn’t recognize me and he goes “Oh, you wouldn’t recognize her anyway. She looks way different now…way better, like WAY better.” I’d say anyone who was watching that moment from afar would’ve thought I was about to rip my earrings off, put my hair in a pony tail and sucker punch him. I just tried to tell myself he might be bad with his words, or he’s just dumb and then I carried on about my night. Let’s just say, he’s not the first and he won’t be the last to have a comment like that.

Now that I’ve opened up about that… let’s take a walk down memory lane.

It was the February of 2013 when I finally reached an average weight. By average, I mean I was no longer considered a “fat girl.” I fit into clothes that weren’t plus size, if I walked into a room nobody was staring at me with this look like “do you even care about yourself?” and anyone who hadn’t seen me in a few months didn’t recognize me when I said “Hi” to them. Although my outside appearance had changed, my inside feelings about myself didn’t change at all. In my head, no matter how small I got…it was never enough. Around this time, a friend of mine was working as a waitress for a bar and they were looking for a new employee to work Saturday night’s with her. She told me how her boss had right away asked for a picture of me because there’s an image they wanted to upkeep for the place. All I did was think to myself was “yeah, if they’re looking for cute little girls…they’re definitely not going to hire me.” I went to that interview so nervous and with so much anxiety that I was going to get turned down by my appearance that I vomited in the bathroom. Well, I ended up getting the job and almost every guy who worked there tried to get my number. On my first shift alone, I had two different customer’s give me their number’s. Up to this moment of my life, most guys who talked to me would only end up friend zoning me or talked to me to get with one of my friends. I always thought that kind of attention would be great, but it’s not as great as it seems.

In that same month, I started to hear from an ex boyfriend again. Not just any ex boyfriend, but the guy who left me the year before through a text message because he “wasn’t ready for a relationship,” only to start talking to a skinny girl with big boobs. The guy who (as my best friend would call it) started me on the “fuck you diet.” The “fuck you diet” is when someone hurts you and it lights a fire under your ass to better yourself in turn to get back at them. Well a year later, and about 90lbs less than the last time he saw me…he came crawling back. He told me how sorry he was, that his Mom always told him he screwed up by leaving me and that he was so proud of me for working so hard to better myself. We even made plans to get together, and I couldn’t wait to see the look on his face when he saw me with my smaller body. Well, that day came and it wasn’t that great. In fact, I didn’t even have this sense of “victory.” The only good thing I got out of that is to see his face when he apologized in person and I knew he wasn’t lying. He genuinely felt awful for how he treated me, and even explained how he had been a terrible person to a lot of people. Since then, I have seen him grow as a person, he’s genuinely good to everyone and has done a 180 since the guy I dated, and I forgave him. Obviously we never sparked a romance again because he lost any chance of that years ago and we both know that our personalities clash. So friend’s it is! (If you’re reading this, Hi…Giant’s suck.)

A true friend, Miss Madeline!

I wish I could tell you what it feels like to be considered a “cool” kid. Well, I’m not cool at all because I am pretty damn strange. I like rock music (from emo to metal) and have magenta hair BUT people seem to like that I’m weird and ok with it. I was once the person you didn’t tell someone you were friends with, and depending on who you were around is how you treated me. I had “friends” who would talk to me in certain classes, but if a “popular” friend of theirs walked by…I didn’t exist. Now I have girls who never a day in their life made an attempt to even say “Hi” to me, that will add me on Facebook and talk to me in person about how I inspire them. Now when I go places people want to talk to me, they’ll point me out and say how some part of my appearance grabbed their attention. Which at one time the thought of people wanting to be my friend seemed cool, but now…it doesn’t feel good like I thought it would.

Have I ever been mean to anyone who I’ve come across that has had hurt me in the past? Not as mean as I COULD be. If someone tries to blow smoke up my ass like we were pals back in the day, I’ll have no problem reminding them of how they treated me but then I’ll get over it because they usually apologize. Do I ever say mean things to someone who called me fat and is now larger than me? Absolutely not, and I never will. I KNOW how damaging words are, and I could never live with myself knowing I made someone feel the same way I had felt before. I was raised better than that, and I AM a better person than that. I ran into a girl earlier last year at the bar, and she was a lot larger than the last time I saw her. Her stomach was actually bigger than mine now. Well, the last time I saw her…she said to me, “I don’t like fat people, but I love you.” She didn’t just say this to me, she said it in front of a couple people in which one of them laughed at what she said. Seeing her at the bar that night, I would’ve loved to have been like “fucking remember me now?” but I didn’t. Why? Because her and her words are that insignificant in my life. I do not let myself get as low as others…being a good person feel’s a hell of a lot better than bringing myself down to another person’s level.

Now you’re probably wondering why after every scenario that most people would consider a “victory” I ended it with “and it wasn’t that great.” That’s because they weren’t, they were vain “victories” that I thought would make me happy. In the end those “vain victories” didn’t matter as much as other things. For one, the happiness of waking up and being healthy, having the ability to walk up any flight of stairs and not feel like I’m going to die. The happiness of running along the beach and not caring who see’s you in your scarred up, stretch marked stomach sporting a vintage two piece. The happiness of being so comfortable and happy in my own skin that no words anyone could say to me, or have said to me…will I EVER let define me again. That is true happiness, that is a true victory and that is what we ultimately forget. Happiness does not begin with the validation of others, or getting back at someone else…happiness start’s with you and loving yourself, giving back to yourself.

I write these blogs and surround them around “self love” because I made the mistake of looking forward to these vain victories. I spent two years in my “smaller, average sized” body so unhappy with myself. I would pick apart everyone of my imperfections, and no matter how small I got it was never enough. I thought my surgery would make me happy, then I found out I would have huge scarring that I could never hide. Those scars changed my life for the better because I learned to be happy with me as a whole and to stop trying to obtain an unrealistic image of beauty. To say I was the “ugly duckling” is a crock of shit. I was a beautiful girl no matter what size, cause my heart was always in the right place. Whether the world wanted to see it or not, I won’t discredit myself by other people’s words. Because I can tell you guys one thing…all the attention in the world from men, all the ‘friends’ in the world and all the success I could ever obtain is nothing compared to learning to love myself for who I am. Everyone has beauty in them, shut your eyes and find it…but before you can do that, you have to find the beauty in you. And there is a HELL of a lot of it!

Cause well, you’re be-you-tiful! Duh!

PS: The “getting back on track” blog will be posted on Sunday! I know last week I said it would be the next blog but I figure everyone always wants to start a new health regimen on Monday’s for whatever reason so it’ll be put to better use then. Two blogs in one week! WOO!

Yesterday was an overwhelming day! For starters…I got to see my face on the front of the hometown newspaper “The Reminder.”

Yes, that smile last on my face the entire day!

I received so many messages, comments and emails that I felt like I was a celebrity. I actually put my phone away after awhile because I couldn’t keep up with it! When I made this blog a couple months ago, I didn’t expect any of this. I figured nobody would read it, or I would’ve given up writing before anything ever came of it. Shockingly, my first post blew up and from there I gained a mini fan base. Every time you guys repost my blogs, tell your friends to check them out, or even message me about them…it melts my heart. There is NOTHING that means more to me than inspiring someone to change their life, or to remind someone of their own unique beauty!

A friend of mine recently started her own blog, and we got together one night to write some new material. I actually wrote up my NEXT blog post that night, which is about getting back on track with your weight-loss journey. Before we got to writing, we sat there talking about how it feel’s to be a bigger person in this day and age. How it feel’s growing up being the fattest girl in school, or the emotional roller coaster it is to be overweight and go to the gym. She then told me, “why haven’t you blogged about that yet? If you’re going to give people advice on diet and exercise you should be reminding them of why they should listen to you. Most trainers or dietitians can’t relate to someone on the emotional level of what it is to be obese.” So thank you Dani for the idea.

In the article in the Reminder, there’s a mention of how I grew up the “ugly duckling” and never had a “small moment.” Most people who know me now, roll their eyes and think I’m being dramatic. That’s until I tell them that in 6th grade I weighed over 200lbs, and then they stop questioning me. Opening up about my past isn’t easy, but it’s something I have to do for myself. I hold a lot of negative feelings towards people who hurt me back in the day. I was bullied and terrorized for my weight by my peers. Let me tell you, I would’ve taken a punch in the face any day over the word’s I’ve had thrown at me in the past. I can’t tell you what I ate for breakfast yesterday, but if you name off a person I went to school with, I can tell you word for word how they dissed me. For my own peace of mind, it’s time to open up about it and LET IT GO!

Growing up, I was always large. Up until I hit High School, I had been one of the tallest people in my grade. It doesn’t help being a foot taller than everyone else, especially when you’re almost 100lbs more than them as well. I was like a giant bulls-eye for bullying. You’d think I would’ve used my larger body to kick someone’s ass who messed with me, but I was like a friendly giant. Since my appearance made me stand out so much, I would stay quiet and sit in the corner so that I could be a ghost. I didn’t want to be noticed because I didn’t want to hear another remark about how I looked. I already hated my appearance, and thought of myself as one of the ugliest people in the world. Isn’t that awful? I hit puberty in 4th grade, and had acne before everyone else. Not just any acne, the kind you see in before and after Pro-Active pictures. At that young age, I would have disturbing thoughts that if I looked like Britney Spear’s, everyone would want to be my friend. Then I’d stare at pictures of her and wonder why I didn’t look like that. I wish someone told me she was probably only eating enough calories a day to NOT die, and that her perfect skin is a thing we call makeup and editing.

Middle school was when the bullying really started. I can remember my first day of 6th grade like it was yesterday. I left a class that was in the 7th grader’s hallway. One of the 7th grader’s made a comment “wow, look how small all the 6th graders are!” Then I looked over and he said “well, not all of them.” Being in school wasn’t as bad as taking the bus to school. In my town’s school system the middle schoolers and high schoolers are on the same bus, to and from school. I was the last stop on my bus route in the morning, so all the high schoolers would pretend to sleep so I wouldn’t sit with them or would flat out tell me that I couldn’t sit with them. I remember walking to the back of the bus and some girl telling me “don’t even think about it” because I was going to ask her if I could sit next to her. Somebody else offered me a seat, and that girl sat there whispering stuff into her friends ear while laughing and looking at me. I wanted to cry so bad, but didn’t. I went home and told my parent’s I didn’t want to take the bus anymore, and I HATED telling my parent’s that people bullied me. When I tell my Dad things about my past now, he’s always shocked. I never wanted my parent’s to worry about me, or feel sorry for me. Oh, I also had a goth phase, and was called Shamu a handful of times. No regrets on the goth phase, goth life for life. Haha!

High school sucked, but who really talks about high school like it was the best time of their lives? I was finally diagnosed with PCOS which explained why my skin and hair were so oily, the weight was packing on rapidly and I still had the “pizza face” acne. At this time in my life, I perfected the art of being a ghost. I learned that if I stayed quiet and drew no attention to myself, nobody would talk about me. Girl’s had their snotty comments in gym class, guys would take pictures of me on their cellphones and laugh, if I ever defended myself the comeback was always “whatever, you’re fat.” High school was also a time in my life that made a little bit of a change, because it was the first time somebody told me I was pretty. MySpace was the new “it” thing when I was a freshman. I made one, and actually had the ball’s to post my picture on it. Of course, never a full body picture. (Yes, I was one of those ‘Myspace angle’ girls). A girl I went to school with commented on the picture and said “you’re so pretty!” and I was blown away. When I say blown away, I cannot put into word’s how shocked I was that someone could think I was pretty. Again, disturbing thoughts! Sad, sad thought’s that I also carried into my early twenties.

I could go on about my adult life, I could go on about these sick thought’s I had toward myself but I want to stop because I know I got my point across…

When you grow up obese, people look at you like you’re a sad excuse for a human being. They stare, they judge and have no care of how they make you feel. AS IF their dirty looks and rude remarks will ignite a light inside of your head to finally lose weight. Nobody who is obese is oblivious to the fact, and they probably talk worse to themselves than you are thinking about them. There are such thing’s as eating disorders (binge eating), or health conditions (pcos) that make gaining weight easy, and losing it twice as hard. Yes, people should take their health seriously but for some of us…it’s A LOT easier said than done. When I first started losing weight, I felt sick walking into the gym because I was the fattest person there. I felt like everyone was staring at me, and I was going to break a machine for being too big. I’d look around to find someone else who was my size or bigger so I could feel better about being there. Now THAT is what it’s like to be a bigger person trying to lose weight. It’s a lot more mental strength than anything else.

When I look back on my life, I don’t think “why me” and I don’t feel bad for myself. I also don’t want anyone else to feel bad for me either. I want someone else who has been through this, has felt this negatively about themselves to see that they are not the only one’s. No matter what your image issue is, whether you’re too thin, have a big nose, or a flat ass. If you STILL harbor any of these feeling’s toward yourself, you aren’t the only one. There are thousands of people who are in the same boat as you. It’s unfortunate that we live in a shallow world, but we do. If there is one thing going from a larger body to a smaller body has shown me, it’s that people judge you off your looks. But that’s where we as people come together to make a change…

If your friendships are based on how well someone looks standing next to you, chances are you have a lot of shitty friend’s. Open your heart to someone’s soul and you could be surprised what you will find. I will make friends with anyone as long as they’re a good person. From my experiences in life, I try to look at everyone based on how they treat other people and not on how they look. I know how shitty it is to be judged and cast aside because of appearance. I would never do that to someone else, ever. So my challenge to you is to be more open minded and kind to people. You never know the beauty that is hiding in someone. Also, don’t pick on people. They might grow up to be an awesome pin up girl who blogs and won’t ever consider you for a date. HAHA!

Don’t ever forget the beauty that is you, even if someone else makes you question it. F–k them, you’re be-you-tiful!