Gary Brown: Give the gift of a manatee this holiday season

Gary Brown

Wednesday

Nov 30, 2011 at 12:01 AMNov 30, 2011 at 5:59 AM

Manatees are large, gray aquatic mammals. They have fat bodies — I believe that “husky” is how clothing companies would attempt to get manatees to buy big jeans — that taper to a flat, paddle-shaped tail.

Manatees are large, gray aquatic mammals.

They have fat bodies — I believe that “husky” is how clothing companies would attempt to get manatees to buy big jeans — that taper to a flat, paddle-shaped tail.

Average adult manatees are about 10 feet long and weigh 800 to 1,200 pounds.

Manatees are among God’s ugliest creatures in the ocean, and there are a lot of strange-looking seagoing creatures.

Those are facts — well, the ugly observation is an opinion, but it’s obvious enough to be fact — that I learned from the Save the Manatee Club website.

Here are two other manatee-related facts.

One is that November is Manatee Awareness Month, which I need to know because at this time of year, as the holidays approach, I hardly ever think about manatees. Nobody makes manatee Christmas cookies or puts illuminated manatees in their front yard.

And the other fact is that singer-songwriter Jimmy Buffett co-founded the Save the Manatee Club in 1981.

OK, the manatee-huggers have got my attention.

Actually, the Save the Manatee Club captured my attention with an email sent to me about manatee gift adoptions.

“Adopting real Florida manatees for family and friends this holiday season is nature-inspired, thoughtful gift-giving that helps Save the Manatee Club increase conservation and education efforts.”

The cost of a manatee adoption is $25 a year and for that, the recipient gets a color photo of a real manatee, an adoption certificate, biography, membership handbook and subscriptions to the club’s newsletters.

If you adopt a manatee for a loved one they get a personalized holiday message.

“Wishing you and your manatee a happy holiday season ... ,” or something like that.

What you don’t get is the manatee itself. Trust me, this is a good thing. I’m not sure any of us want a manatee hanging around the house for the holidays. People may think your little dog is cute, and even sneak him a piece or two of the Christmas ham. But, a manatee might cause some concern.

“Do you know you’ve got a huge hunk of gray blubber in front of your fireplace?”

Besides, if you go away for the holiday, what would you do with your adopted manatee? There aren’t any kennels for manatees. Could you ask the neighbors to check in on him?

“He likes warm water.”

Take my word for it, photos of manatees are disturbing enough.

I don’t know what the photo of a “real manatee” is going to look like if I get a manatee as a gift this Christmas, but, frankly, the photo that accompanied the press release made manatees look even uglier than the picture at the Save the Manatee Club website. Squared off nose. Huge eyes. Sausage-like body — and I don’t mean just the links. I mean the big, old, Jimmy Dean bulk container from which you can cut patties.

Yet — and this is where it gets a little weird — there is an inherent cuteness about manatees.

Maybe it’s because adopted manatees are given names. The release said that a woman in Missouri adopted two manatees for her nieces in North Carolina. The manatees were called “Paddy Doyle” and “Flash.” Two new manatees available for adoption are called “Zewie” and “Bama.”

Suddenly, adopting a manatee seems like a good thing, as long as you’ve done as much as you can to help all of our hungry and homeless non-manatees, of course.

Then, if you have a few bucks left over, and you want to adopt a manatee, call 1-800-432-5646 or visit www.savethemanatee.org.

One tip. You might want to make the photo of your manatee wallet-size. The smaller a manatee is, the better it seems to look. Besides, that way you’d always have the newest member of your family at hand to show people at holiday parties.

“His name is ’Bama. Roll Tide ... ”

Contact Gary Brown at gary.brown@cantonrep.com.

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