Friday, 29 October 2010

Dear Me..

I've never taken a gap year, or travelled the world. I've taken very few risks in my life.

I aim to please others. I don't know why. It's not that I want everyone I meet to 'like' me (Although, does anyone set out to not want people to like them?!)

I aim to please those closest to me. To do this, I've put myself into positions that I really didn't want to be in just to make the people I care about most, happy.

I flit. I drift dangerously between being a 'worrier' and an 'optimist'.

I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, a partner and most importantly, a mother.

These are the few things I know.
Other things have been lost through the years.

Many close to me don't notice the sacrifices that I have made over the years for them. Maybe I come across as a doormat with the world 'Welcome' printed across my forehead. And that wouldn't be their fault. It would most definitely be mine.

I'm not sure why I do it.. Really - I don't have a clue.
I'm not scared of saying 'No'. I'm not frightened that I will lose certain people if I put my foot down.

It doesn't make me happy to put others first in everything I do.

If I want to do something for myself, I feel guilty. It's huge immense guilt.

I fee sick at the thought of taking something away from my family, be it time or money.

In reality, I needto take some of that for me. I know this. However, instead, I continue to struggle, as I know it will not be compensated for.

I have some strong opinions.
Opinions of how I should raise my children.
I have opinions about friendship, family, love and religion.

These opinions shape me, but they don't make me.

I've never tried to 'find myself' like some do.
What if I don't like what I find? Can I change myself? Can I forget what I find and search for a new and improved me?

What if I look and I don't find anything? Or what if I find the 'me' I love so much, that it changes everything?

It's easier not to look. It's easier to carry on and not rock the boat.

There's always so much going on to take time out.

One day, maybe, I'll take the plunge. One day, maybe I'll find myself. One day, maybe I'll be completely happy.

For now I will do my best to carry on and put a smile on my face and hope that one day, maybe I'll just feel 'normal' again.

2 comments:

You have 4 kids. You'll never feel normal again. Just always out of control - I have two and feel like that so with 4 it's going to be doubled. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other - write some lists of your dreams and try to do at least one thing for yourself a month. Even if it's just relaxing in the bath, with a glass of wine and your i-pod on. Tiny steps. Good luck.

Take the children out of the factor for a moment and focus on yourself.

If you knew yourself well at 20 you probably would have got to 30 and wondered who that woman was. If you got to know her it would be just in time to discover at 40 that she is much more like the woman you were at 20, just wiser and perhaps less pressured to be part of the crowd, and although you may no longer feel quite right about fancying that drop dead gorgeous guy all over the TV who is only 18 it doesn't stop your stomach flipping at the sight of his deep brown eyes, broad shoulders and six pack. and he's less accessible now than he was when you were 20 and opportunities were endless. You can't help it though because your mind gets to an age and doesn't age.

Take the kids back into the equation and you add sleep deprivation, constant movement and noise, pressure to be everywhere with their entire well being resting heavy on your shoulders, and the worry - OMG nobody told me about the worry!

But the LOVE - seriously! Amazing.

I guess what I'm trying to say is time moves us all along, we change and are molded by our choices, it never slows down long enough for us to "find ourselves" truly and even if it did we are not static enough in ourselves to be the same from one year to the next.

A happy Mummy has happy kids, we all have to do something for ourselves every so often, are your needs worth so much less than your children's - actually not really, they are just as important but usually have to take a second place as you wouldn't be such a good mum.

All things change.

Sometimes it would be good to get off the world and catch yourself coming backwards.