Letters I'll Never Send

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The reason I am sharing my writing on this website is in hopes that my story will help young girls (and guys) who have, or will, suffer thru some of these same things. Maybe it will even keep a young girl from making the same mistakes I made. Growing up, I was always a tomboy. I participated in “Hat Day” with the boys, and was even at times mistaken for a boy. My voice was deep, deeper than all the other girls. I liked to hang with the boys, and was thought of as “one of the boys”. I excelled in sports and was extremely athletic. Softball was my passion. I was damn good. In my heart, I knew that I was different. However, I never let my “tomboy” ways scare me. Until, I fell in love with a girl at 12 years old. When my Mother found out, she cried, of course, and found a counselor for me to talk to. I told the counselor my story, and she immediately began talking about which anti-depressant would work best for me. I felt sick because of this. I hated myself for being in love with a woman, but it was also the most beautiful thing in the entire world to me. I deeply hurt this person in the process of trying to define my sexuality and who I was. I made a decision that I would never express interest in a woman again, and that NO, there was no way in hell I would live a gay life. I also decided it was time to ditch the “tomboy” style and pierce my ears. My sophomore year (roughly a year after that relationship ended) I quit playing sports, I bought girly clothes, and I threw my body at guys. They were happy to receive. This is where I truly went wrong. Mid Junior year, I was walking down the halls of high school one day and a male teacher pulled me aside. He told me that there were nude pictures of me floating around the internet, emails, and text messages. Yes, that’s right. I let a boy photograph me nude. I was a virgin, 16 years old, had never been with a guy, or had a boyfriend. The only love I ever knew in my life until this point was the girl I fell in the love with. I was desperate to be normal and sexually active with men. That’s what is normal for a girl in our society, is it not? I let this incident ruin me. I missed a week of school, I couldn’t face all the bullying and crude looks and whispers. Everyone knew. I was “that girl”. I lost 10 pounds in the course of a week. I ended up back in the counselor’s office, and on anti-depressants. I forgot to mention my lesbian tendencies to my counselor. I had managed to shove that part of me so far out of consciousness that I had almost forgot it existed. I built my self-worth back up, and I found a genuinely good guy, and decided to date him. He was one of my healthiest relationships, however; I couldn’t seem to love him like he loved me. I enjoyed the sex, but I always wondered “is this all it’s cracked up to be”? Eventually, I broke up with him. During our break up, my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. My gut knew the minute she told me that she would die. Tears poured down my face, and she said “don’t give up on me yet”, but I knew. During her illness, I became close friends with a girl I’ve been around off and on since middle school. We had mutual friends, a mutual love interest, and then, my mother got sick and her life went to shit as well. She ended up moving in with us, and I’ve never been so close to someone in my life. I was attracted to her before, attraction to women never left me. Nor did the girl crushes. But the closer we got, the bigger my attraction grew. The bigger her attraction grew. It took me months to gain the courage to finally snuggle with her one night. When I did, I knew what I was feeling was what most women feel when a man holds them in their arms. Not me, no man had ever made me feel this way. Never in my life have I felt intimacy with men. But the intimacy I feel with a woman blows me away. Things progressed, until we decided to have sex. For the longest time I almost regretted sleeping with her. The part of me that I hid resurfaced that night. I made love to someone for the first time in my life. I woke up the next morning knowing that if I were really straight, I wouldn’t have experienced that level of intimacy. This continued, we briefly dated, and then broke up. The break up was devastating for me. I nearly lost my best friend because of my struggles with my sexuality. To her, thank you for being my true best friend, holding my hand while my mother died, and for showing me who I really am. After this, I continued to live my life in the closet and sleep around with men. I was tortured by my feelings for my best friend, tortured by my mother’s death, just a tortured soul in general. I could not stop throwing myself at men. I decided to give dating men another try. He was 10 years older than me, I knew I was in love with my best friend, a woman, and I knew I would never be able to love him the way he loved me. I knew we were deeply connected, but I should have should known better than to break another person’s heart because I can’t face who I am myself. Going back to a man after sharing with a woman, again, almost drove me mad. I thought, well, I enjoy sex with this man, but I feel no intimacy with him. I don’t want to hold him like I held her. I must be bi sexual, and he’s just not the right guy for me, right? So, again, what do I do? I try to find the right guy, again. I chose to date one of my best friends, a guy I’ve known all my life. He questioned me on my sexuality, but still chose to be with me. Once again, the sex was great. But, I hated how emotionally empty I felt. Voices in my head began to speak up, “If it doesn’t work with him, I’m finding a woman”. He cheated on me the entire time, and gave me stds. Not just one. One of them being the gift that keeps on giving. I would sit here and tell you how much I hate you, or how much I wish your dick would fall off. I was the stupid one though. Stupid enough to expose my body to things, and stupid enough to trust your maturity on handling your sex life and protecting me. I’ve played quite the cruel little joke on myself haven’t I? Now that I know that I was meant to make love to a woman, my body is plagued by my past mistakes. There’s a girl out there who will still love and accept these things, but I haven’t been able to forgive myself for that yet. This still haunts me. I cannot fall in love with men, and this is why I can no longer pretend like I can. I could have avoided this all, if I just would have listened to my heart and dropped the fear. I have been depressed ever since that incident at 12 years old. And now I know exactly why. It has taken much heartache for myself, and I’ve broken hearts along the way. For this, I am not proud. In particular, if you’re reading this, I hope you will not always think of me as the closeted lesbian who broke your heart. One day, a woman will love you like you love her. I won’t apologize for being gay, but I wish things were different for you right now. And Mom, I’m sorry that I was not strong enough to tell you I was a lesbian before you passed, but I know in my heart that you know now, and that you accept it. Thank you for the signs. I love you with all my heart. To the young girls/guys struggling with your sexuality, I won’t tell you that coming out is easy. But I can tell you that it IS worth it. Do not rob yourself of your true identity. Fuck society. To the straight girls who are throwing their bodies at guys, stop. Stop right now. STDs are real, and they can and will happen to you if you do not use protection. To all the young girls/guys who struggle with depression, handle it. Don’t be scared of seeking a therapist, it helps. I turn 23 years old next week, and I’m just now seeking the courage to be myself. That means I’ve spent a lot of years depressed and lying to myself, and lying to others as well. Trust me, that is no way to live. I truly hope this letter will someone, as it as helped me.

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3 Responses to Finally

no grammar

August 16, 2013 at 12:01 pm

Thank you for your letter I find it sad yet inspiring to others I myself am a lesbian (I think) I tell people I am bi sexual because In all honesty I dont actually know, I have never fallen in love with a guy but I used to enjoy the sex yet I was never attracted to guys always girls. I had many sexual encounters with guys before I committed to a lesbian relationship I guess when you are young you try to fit in with your friends as that is what I did and although I enjoyed the sex with guys I never once fancied them or fell in love I always had crushes on girls and even had been in bed with a few girl friends that I used to know. I was lucky my parents didnt care what I was mainly because my mum was a drunk and dad wasnt really around its strange because I always ended up sleeping with guys that were alot older than me and I didnt care at the time I was drunk. But when I look back and really think about it, it was actually quite dangerous because I never once cared about protection or even the dangers of going off with these 40 year old guys that I hardly knew. If I could change my life I would have been more careful but thankfully I have been tested and got the all clear. I am now in a lesbian relationship and have been for a few years its not easy I lost some friends through being with a woman but in the end they weren’t really my friends in the first place if they can end friendships and distance there self from me because incase I fancy them (stupid I know) I am happy being a lesbian and I wouldnt ever hide the fact that I am one now, we live in a world where it is more accepted now and I think its the fear of what other people will think of us that makes people hide there sexual and it shouldnt be like that be proud of who you are and dont give a flying fuck about what other people think. Dont hide and dont change because it will only eat away at you in the end and make you miserable.

Hey, that takes guts to type a letter for anyone to read and be completely honest. I do agree with you, ‘screw society’ teens my age are sleeping around constantly. I may not relate at all to this but I can understand your perspective. And honestly I don’t get what the big fuss is if a girl likes a girl or a boy likes a boy. Who cares? Well the media can crash and burn for all I care. It’s what’s on the inside that really counts not the outside. I say let people marry who they love regardless of race, ethnicity, religion, color, sexuality exc. Physical appearance is an obsession I swear most everyone wants to be a “Barbie.” I don’t even care about make up or the coolest clothes. What I care about is a persons heart. Their personality…who they are deep down. I read somewhere recently, not sure if you believe in this but that those who communicate after they pass away say the only thing important in life is: love. You are an amazing person and a strong soul. You deserve to be happy more than you know. Im not very fluid with my sentences unfortunately. Happy early Birthday and I hope you find whatever you’re looking for 🙂

I read it. theres a lot left out about me. the way you made me feel after ending it and blamed it all on me. when now the truth is you used me to come to terms about yourself because you knew I was a good dude that wouldn’t do you dirty. all the while seeing how head over heels I was falling. you had someone who would have taken you with your stds. a lot left out on how im left today. broken in everyway imaginable. emotionally. health…..