Living by Your Own Rules: Sexual Integrity

From friends who have re-entered the dating pool at mid-life, to teenage mentorees, to children approaching puberty—sex and sexuality are a regular topic of conversations ’round these parts. One of my girlfriends once said to me that as a teenager she decided “I just wanted to have a sexual history I could look back on without regret.” But how do you defined what that is for yourself in complex and changing world?

It’s always a good idea to ask an expert. So let me introduce to you Becky Knight, Clinical Sexologist. Today Becky is helping us make the connection between our guiding values and our sexual choices. Making that connection will help us feel more confident about our sexual choices, calm the voices in our heads that lead to self doubt, and quite the old tapes we don’t need to listen to any longer. Becky, take it away…

Â

Â

Living with Sexual Integrity

Sexuality is a part of life. From the cradle to the grave, we make choices about how to live our lives as sexual beings. We choose beliefs about our bodies, about our desires, and about our behaviors. We choose who to pursue or rebuff. We choose the words and images that inform our sexuality and that give it context.

How we make those choices can be influenced by any number of things: our childhood messages about sexuality, our time and place in society, and the dynamics of the relationship we have with ourselves and with our partners. How healthy those choices are, I believe, is impacted by how closely they align with our guiding values.

When Rachelle’s *8 Things challenge was to create a list of guiding values, I had to pause. Could it be that I had never thought about it before? And could my general guiding values also be at the core of my sexuality? It seemed so obvious, and yet more than a little intimidating. I could have pondered that question for hours, trying to create the ‘perfect’ list. Instead, I shot from the hip and wrote down the first *8 Things that came to my mind. I trusted that if I took a moment to look inward, that I knew what I value most. And you know what, my list looks pretty good! It is a reflection of how I want to live my life.Â Â

Here’s how you can use your guiding values to shape and direct your sexual self:

Write It Down: If you haven’t already done this exercise, I suggest you pause right now and do it. Calm yourself and trust your heart, and write down your guiding values. There is no right or wrong list, there is only your list.

Look Within: The next step is to sit back and look at your list. Look at it, and love it, and ask yourself some questions:Â

Are these values guiding my sexual choices?Â

Which of my values is it easiest for me to express in my sexuality? Which is the hardest?Â

Where has my sex life been inconsistent with my guiding values? How might my sex life be better if it matched up to my values? How can I make the changes I need to?Â

How can I use these values to support my sense of myself as a sexually whole and vibrant person?Â

Take a StepMove towards Sexual Integrity. By that, I don’t mean some religious morality or adherence to a set of rules. I mean, fix the places in you where your guiding values are not guiding you. If there’s an aspect of your sexual life that leaves you feeling anxious or weak, perhaps it’s because the choices you are making are not supported by your self-knowledge of what gives your life its shape and meaning. Be brave, and make a move.

Buddy Up

It’s okay to ask for help. Reach out to a friend and tell her about your desire to be brave in this part of your life. She probably wants to be brave too.Â

Talk to your partner. Tell them that you want to create a sex life with them that reflects your values. Invite them to share their values as well. Make your intimate life more intimate by being brave together.Â

Get expert help. Find a coach or counselor who can help you move towards sexual health and wholeness.

Our sexuality should add great comfort, passion and humor to our lives. It should give us security, while at the same time allowing for vulnerability and the risks inherent in knowing and being known. It should strengthen and deepen our values as we see that our lives, sexual and otherwise, are better because we’ve lived with integrity.

the Unitarian Universalist Association and the United Church of Christ have developed a life long human sexuality set of courses called Our Whole Lives that deals with these issues in a group setting its pretty fantastic.

Becky, this is a great post. As a single person who is not dating, I was tempted to pass it by. But I’m wondering what sort of choices (or non-choices) that I am making that is stunting this aspect of my life. As always, you write thoughtfully and thought provokingly.

Like Lisa, I’m a single person not dating. Your post made me think about that. I’ve been aware for some time that my sexual relationships have been completely out of sync with my values. (I’ve always regarded my partner du jour partly as an enemy, someone to manipulate and play power games with. The mind games were what interested me.) I have not, shall we say, had a talent for romantic intimacy or authenticity!

Reading your post made me realise that perhaps I can trust myself to have changed, and that I can make conscious choices around my values rather than slip back into old patterns. So maybe I can dare to start dating again. Thanks.

Search Site

Testimonials

â€œWhen I turn to Rachelle for help, her words are like the fine tuning of my soulâ€“the interpretation of a truth that is sometimes hard to find. Itâ€™s golden to be heard and understood.â€

-- Flock Member, Tracey Henton

â€œI think it says a lot that I refer to this community mentally as â€˜my Flockâ€™. Thereâ€™s a sense when logging in of kicking back and relaxing, knowing that no-one is judging or trying to trip you up.â€

"With vision and heart, Rachelle brings her passionate commitment to soul-care to life, creating a nest for creative spiritual misfits looking for that just-right fit. Itâ€™s a gift of love and inspiration and lights a powerful way.â€

-- Jamie Ridler, certified life coach

"Rachelle seems to always know what I need to read. I savor her Flock emails like a piece of caramel. Then I give a *sigh* of comfort."

-- Flock Member, Marie Tretiakova

"Few people know how to tend the soul like Rachelle Mee-Chapman. A curator of everything exquisite and salvageable from the spiritual traditions. Rachelle understands how to craft a nest where comfort gives way to calling, where self-care reveals with compassion your finest, truest self."

Default Widget

This is Sidebar 7. You can edit the content that appears here by visiting your Widgets panel and modifying the current widgets in Sidebar 7. Or, if you want to be a true ninja, you can add your own content to this sidebar by using the appropriate hooks.

Testimonials

â€œWhen I turn to Rachelle for help, her words are like the fine tuning of my soulâ€“the interpretation of a truth that is sometimes hard to find. Itâ€™s golden to be heard and understood.â€

-- Flock Member, Tracey Henton

â€œI think it says a lot that I refer to this community mentally as â€˜my Flockâ€™. Thereâ€™s a sense when logging in of kicking back and relaxing, knowing that no-one is judging or trying to trip you up.â€

"With vision and heart, Rachelle brings her passionate commitment to soul-care to life, creating a nest for creative spiritual misfits looking for that just-right fit. Itâ€™s a gift of love and inspiration and lights a powerful way.â€

-- Jamie Ridler, certified life coach

"Rachelle seems to always know what I need to read. I savor her Flock emails like a piece of caramel. Then I give a *sigh* of comfort."

-- Flock Member, Marie Tretiakova

"Few people know how to tend the soul like Rachelle Mee-Chapman. A curator of everything exquisite and salvageable from the spiritual traditions. Rachelle understands how to craft a nest where comfort gives way to calling, where self-care reveals with compassion your finest, truest self."