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Single and Seeking

I have previously mentioned on this blog that there is a lack of single Christian men in my church. To be precise, there are zero single Christian men in my local congregation. The truth is that there is a serious lack of single Christian men in the American church at large. A 2011 PEW Research study showed that there are eight single women for every one single man in the average congregation. Being a long time single with few talents and little beauty, that’s a pretty disconcerting statistic. How I could ever attract a man over the barrage of other single women available is beyond me. It is beyond me, but it is not beyond God. Yet the harsh reality is that unless things drastically change in the makeup of the church, there is a large number of women in churches today that may never marry.

For a long time I assumed that if I loved God and waited patiently, that He would just send the right man to me. My husband would just show up. The Bible says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing” (Proverbs 18:22), which implies to me that the husband does the finding. He should pursue after his bride. Therefore, I’ve never looked for a husband. I’ve longed for one, but not actively looked for one. But recently, a member of my church opened my eyes to the fact that my future husband cannot find me if I don’t position myself in a place to be found. The Bible doesn’t just say to ask, it also tells us to seek and knock (Matthew 7:7). I had asked for a spouse, but I hadn’t really sought for one. While I take all of Matthew 7:7 to be a reference to prayer, there is a difference between asking and seeking. Seeking implies some kind of action. The sister in my church asked me what I had done, what actions had I taken in finding a spouse. Not many. I have prayed. I have been faithful. I have waited patiently in the pew for almost eleven years for my husband to walk through those doors.

If we were to compare this search to looking for a needle in haystack (which is what it feels like), I have mostly just circled repeatedly around the same haystack expecting the needle to suddenly reveal itself to me. I have not dug down into the haystack pulling out individual straws in my search. I felt that actually looking through the straws meant I was not trusting God to reveal the needle to me. If it’s His will for me to be married, He will send a man to me, right? Well, yes, and no. He will send me a partner when the time is right, but it’s not likely to happen without any participation on my part. In the Bible, Rebekah had to participate by watering the servant’s camels. Ruth’s participation was even bolder. Ruth purposely went to Boaz (at Naomi’s suggestion) and uncovered his feet while he was sleeping, and lay upon his feet. I won’t take the time to go into the historical significance of what she was actually doing, but it was very forward. She was clearly making her intentions known to Boaz. She wasn’t passively waiting for him, she actively went to him.

This brings me to where I am now. Along with the sister who helped me to see that beyond asking, I should also seek and knock, several other well-meaning Christians have recently asked me what I have actively done to find a spouse. In another post I will expand on some of the things I have done and am doing to try to place myself in a better position to be found. I have sought to form a closer relationship with God, worked out a hidden root of bitterness over the way my last relationship ended, and went through a very intense spiritual battle to fortify myself against a particular weakness I have.

Reluctantly, I have also made myself a little more visible on social media. None of the other things I’ve done do me much practical good when there aren’t any prospects in my church (or even in my district), so I decided I needed to do something to widen the circle. This is fraught with a lot of uncertainty and not a few painful rejections. I’ve seriously been considering going back into hiding, but then I think of Rebekah M and her new found interest who she met through social media and I think perhaps it’s worth trying to stick it out awhile longer. I haven’t quite figured out where the line is between not doing enough and pushing too hard. In the end, it’s up to God. I still believe when I am ready and the timing is right, He will send me a companion. Until then, may God grant me the grace to keep waiting.

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12 thoughts on “Single and Seeking”

Please don’t take this the wrong way, as I mean no offense, but I’m not sure that Tinder is the right place to look for a godly companion. There are always exceptions, but I’m willing to bet there aren’t many men on that site that share my doctrinal beliefs. If it’s worked for others, God bless them! 🙂

Wow. That is very thought-provoking – to anyone reading this I would hope. Clearly the loneliness you feel and the need for companionship with a spouse is significant of a one that you should search out the options you mentioned – but with very careful endeavors. God is our light – reach for that bright light and keep it shining. I have been married for 29 years – through ups and downs it remains worth every effort, especially through 2 children. Keep the posting, I cherish your thoughts and certainly your spirituality while looking. May God Bless you and Keep you.

Thank you for your thoughtful comment. Yes, I try to be very careful in my endeavors, some would even say too careful. Haha. I will try to do as you suggest and reach for that bright Light! May His light shine to us and through us. God bless!

I think in allowing God to lead you in extra curricular activities that are more “spiritual” than you think. Like for example perhaps you have a desire to be a better artist. Who knows, it could be for inspiration to someone else one day. So in taking an art class you don’t know if you could your mate at that class. And yet at the same time your focus is truly the class but as you live your life he will find you.

The rules in the Bible governing relationships was written for a patriarchal society that pretty much sequestered daughters away in her father’s home until she was old enough (12-ish) to marry off to the first guy that asked him. It’s not exactly a recipe for modern living. The statistics show that most single Christian men just don’t go to church. When they do, they feel like the bait that is used to attract the sharks. (Their description, not mine, from having seen countless blogs topics like this one.) This makes finding single Christian men more difficult because they are anywhere and everywhere except church. What really needs to change our perspective. By idolizing family, we tell the singles that there is ‘something wrong with them.’ By idolizing children, we tell barren women that they ‘aren’t as important as mothers’. Every time a pastor steps up and says “God blessed me when he gave me my hot wife”, everybody else looks around and asks “Why hasn’t God blessed me?” That’s not what God had in mind when he created his church – and any church that marginalizes you does not deserve you. You might have to break some ‘Christian’ rules, but they’re worth breaking especially now that the Bible doesn’t govern every little aspect of daily life. Don’t be afraid to initiate a relationship, you don’t have to walk up to some guy and ask him out, you just have to give him the idea that it’s his idea to approach you and ask you out – that’s how it has been done for centuries.

bold step Rebekah… but am not sure i want to visit xtian dating sites. recently, i try to participate actively in programs outside church like wedding reception, concerts, movies with friends, eating out… last two are totally new ti me .. but in all… still trusting God for a partner

I don’t know what part of this world you’re in, but things are not quite the same in Vegas. There are few single women in my church, and I won’t compromise by going to one of the mega churches just to meet single women. Regardless, I understand how you feel, and the more time that passes, the more I’m thinking perhaps Jeremiah 16:2 applies to me. God bless you, dear, and in the legendary words of Journey, “Don’t stop believing.”

I pray the Lord’s comfort as you wait, trust, and seek. I think the Lord knows something about being alone & waiting for a mate. When He said in Genesis, “It’s not good for the man to be alone,” I think He was revealing His own heart as well. He has desired a bride with whom He can share Himself fully; of whom He can say (as Adam did of Eve), “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.” Blessings to you!