strippers

Friday, February 04, 2011

So things in my life have been very interesting. Grad school started again this week. The bf has been doing some djing. We've been going out to the city a lot, which is new cuz i had never been to a club. He recently started talking to a friend from middle school again. Shes a stripper, but seems like a very nice girl. She doesnt act inappropriately around him and is very respectful of me, so thats great. Her club is looking for a dj, so bf went there last nite to meet with the manager (his friend wasnt working). When he came home said he doesnt want to work there cuz the girls are too pretty and he doesnt like being that tempted. He said 15/17 of the girls are pretty and they "arent like me". I said big like me? He said ya.... when we've been going out to clubs i feel like i stand out and once again like i'm trapped in a big body thats not mine, but my self esteem cant win against strippers. When he was there with the manager at the vip table two girls gave him free lap dances and all the girls came over and chatted before they danced on the little stage by their table. He said they were all pretty professional and the place is def nicer than most, but i still cant help feeling worthless. Like he was honest about everything and nice when he came home and said he isnt disappointed or anything when he sees me but i just feel so inadequate. He is a big guy (6'3, 300 lbs), but everyone is attracted to him and guy weight is different than girl weight. Plus hes muscular. People dont hit on me when we are out and compared to these other girls i dont see why he would be with me. Our 7 yr anniv is the end of march, but i just dont feel good about myself at all. I weighed myself this morn and am at 192. The good news is that a month and a half ago i was at the same weight. For not exercising or watching food im glad i didnt gain. My dad and other friend who i havent seen for a while said my face looks thinner, but i donno. I know what i need to do, but its so hard. I go thru this every year. I need to figure out something cuz eventually hes just gonna leave me. If i dont like myself y would he, u know?

Update: so our friend who works at the club said they r going to need a bartender in june. Ill finish the bartending classes in 4 weeks. She put in a good word for me, so maybe i can do that instead of teaching summer school. I wouldnt be a stripper but would dress sexy. The other thicker girls who are shooter girls/cocktail waitresses/bartenders wear corsets and skirts. I wouldnt be the biggest girl there. However, that would give me 4 months to lose weight so i could feel my best if i did get hired. I also stepped on the scale today and found out that i'm 190, which means i am now no longer "obese". Woohoo! A few people i havent seen for a while have said my face looks thinner so i guess i have been losing a little. But now i have something to work towards and am motivated to kick it back into gear!

Comparing myself to other women is my biggest issue. I think a lot of it comes from being cheated on by my first husband and subsequent bf. I am working hard to remember he married me for a reason and he didn't have to choose to be with me. I also need to remember I've survived a lot and made it through, so if I have to again, I will. Confidence is sexy and unfortunately, we can't remove all the temptations out there. Your bf is very honest with you which is a big plus. I'm glad you went out and felt confident this weekend. He's been with you when you lost weight before and is with you now. Sounds like he's a keeper!

Thanks for the advice. Last night i took a leap and we went to the club. His friend was working and invited both of us to come. I have to say it was the most fun ive ever had!! I had the BEST night! She is so nice and the club is very classy. It was laid back and all the girls were nice. I didnt feel inadequate and actually felt kinda sexy in my thigh high boots that i rocked pretty well. Afterwards we went to a night club and i was still in such a great mood i danced some (very rare for me). I wld go back every weekend and am really glad i went with an open mind. Plus afterwards my bf was really turned on by me... he said it was cuz of my confidence. I also started bartending classes and mite do that on saturdays. Who knows. I just feel great and am ready to start my weight loss journey again!

If he didn't love you, he wouldn't have turned down that job, and he wouldn't have married you in the first place. I think any woman at any weight would feel insecure compared to women who are paid to look sexy - i know I would! But at the end of the day, he chose to be with you, and you have to have faith in that. Try to see yourself through his eyes. And take little steps to be healthier, because it's impossible to feel ugly after a good workout!