Thank you very much to everyone who's suggested sketches they'd like to see on stage - it's really useful. But I realised if a sketch got a few nominations, I couldn't tell whether it was genuinely popular, or whether it was just that the first mention reminded other people it existed. So... in an attempt to create a level playing field, here's something I've been meaning to do for a while anyway: a big old list of every sketch in all seven series of Souvenir Programme.

These aren't always the original titles - I've tried to make them recognisable, and where they still aren't, I've put a key word or phrase in brackets. Do carry on leaving nominations in the comments!

SERIES ONE

Episode One

Mr Frint - No Job Too Big
Three Guards (Tiger with a gun)
Interview Sketch - Before You're Thirty (Be kind, have fun)
To Re-record Your Message
Pooh's Indebevention
I Speak As I Find
The Noise of the Tardis
Jamaica Quickie
Since You Ask Me - Ghost Story (Jacket pocket jacket pocket)

Episode Two

Three Little Pigs
Cat-Nav I
The Interview Sketch - Evolutionist (Hummingbirds)
Voltaire
Cat-Nav II
Song - Ballad 404 ('Where have they gone...')
The Archers Accidentally I ('...if it turns out I own this pub')
Hunger Quickie
Cat-Nav III
Since You Ask Me - Family Curse (Wim-Bim-King-Sim-Sham)

Reme
The Seance
Song - Zoo Song I - Meerkats
Old Spies (Thompson Pulse)
Pampering (Pat me dry with a little baby duckling)
Song - Zoo Song II - Penguins
The Emperor's New Clothes
Song - Zoo Song III - Gnus
Since You Ask Me - Treasure Island (Polly wants a bison)

Episode Five (Edinburgh Special)

The Silent Majority I - Speed Cameras, Language
The Quest
The Grasshopper and the Ants
The Interview Sketch - Athlete (Fastest tricyclist in the world)
Architect Briefing
Civil War (Cat people and dog people)
Cheer Up
Since You Ask Me - Edinburgh (Thumb-snatchers)

Be Sure Your Sins Will Find You Out
New Friend (Sniffer dog)
The Gilgamesh Experiment I (F. Ronald Huggerman)
A History of Choice
House Sitter
The Gilgamesh Experiment II
Flow Chart
The Interview Sketch - Ice Cream Van Painter
Voice In My Head - Grande
The Gilgamesh Experiment III
Since You Ask Me - Typhoon

Teaching Aid
Bodyguards I
Live to Tell the Tale ('Threw me back')
World Championships of Snap
Bodyguards II
Song - Three MonkeysVoting
Sisyphus
Pound Shop
Bodyguards III
Since You Ask Me - DuelEpisode Two

The Capital of Spain
School Slogan
Magic Mirror
Ban Cancer
Song - Even Bluesmen Get the Pinks
PhD Proposal Quickie
Mulligan's Bank
Richard of York
Since You Ask Me - Crossing the Atlantic (Mr. Floofywhiskers)

Train Delay I
Nice Cop Nasty Cop
Other Offences
Song - Cerberus
Other Interests
Train Delay II
The Most Self-Indulgent Sketch in the World
Since You Ask Me - Robot Queen Victoria

SERIES SIX

Episode One - Christmas Special

John Mulligan's Advert
Good King Wenceslas
Exit Polls I
Runner Up (Holly and Ivy)
Song - December 27th
Exit Polls II
Baby's First Christmas
Eyewitness (Night Before Christmas)
Father Ramadan
Exit Polls III
Since You Ask Me - Nativity

St. Ives
So-Called Fire Brigade
New Kitchen Floor
Socrates' Worst Idea
Eulogy For a Man in the Right
President's Two Speeches
House on Fire
The Archers Accidentally IV
Since You Ask Me - Proposal

Episode Five

David Starkey
Tufty (Wolverine)
Open Letters
Designing the Snake
What's He Like?
But a Man
Behind Closed Doors - Ferry
King James
Song - Truckstops
Since You Ask Me - Fortune TellerEpisode Six

Is There a Doctor on Board?
Pet Tips I
You'll Set Me Off
Pet Tips II - Tortoises
Which of These Cats Is Bigger Than The Other One?
Pet Tips III - Cats
Celeriac Awareness
Pet Tips IV - Stick Insects
Guest Spots
Missed Connections
Since You Ask Me - The MusicalSERIES SEVEN

Bet You I Crash It
New Player Tutorial
The Godivas
Song - Moral Maze
Interview Sketch - Mayfly
Planning to Meet Up
Stand Up - Taps
Johnson and Boswell
Since You Ask Me - Western

Episode Five

Caesar's Last Words
Voice In My Head - Carcassonne
Animal Designers Crisis
Grains of Rice
Interview Sketch - Centaur
George and the Dragon
Animals and Kings
Sunset
Leaving a Funeral
De-sensitised Crows
One Question Time to the Tune of Another
Since You Ask Me - Card Trick

Episode Six

The Plan
Sponsored Leopard
The Weather
Song - The Terrible Leaving Do of 2017
Memory Technique
A Cake in the Shape of a Cake
Interview Sketch - Linguist
JFSP Accidentally
Since You Ask Me - The Heist

Wednesday, 21 February 2018

Good news! I'm absolutely delighted to say that, in response to many people here and on Twitter quite rightly pointing out my tour was giving the North West an unreasonably wide berth, we've been able to add an extra date, and will also be coming to.... Preston!

Come and see us! And, if you have any suggestions for sketches or songs from Souvenir Programme you would particularly like to see on stage, do let me know in the comments. I'm trying to persuade Carrie we should do Elephant and Castle, so that every night she'll have to dress up as an elephant, put on a suit of armour, and slowly fall down a massive staircase. She seems unconvinced...

Thursday, 8 February 2018

For two days, the whole new series of Souvenir Programme is available on BBC iPlayer. After that, they'll drop off one by one, but you still have six weeks to listen to today's episode, which I think might be one of the best we've done...

And after that, if you're not sick of the sound of my stupid voice, why not see how you cope with my stupid face? Because... I'm going on tour!

John Finnemore's Flying Visit is a brand new full length stage show, featuring the entire cast of Souvenir Programme; with sketches, songs, Pet Tips, Since You Ask Me tales, and a guest appearance from Wing Commander Arthur Shappey. We're doing thirteen dates around Britain in May and June, and tickets are either on sale right now, or will be soon. Here's a handy list of dates and ticket lists. Come and see us!

Friday, 8 December 2017

Thursday, 7 December 2017

(For those asking where it is: I'm afraid I made it up. But I cribbed bits from the Cathedrals of Wells, Amiens, Rheims and Exeter. And then I put in some completely unnecessary flying buttresses, because what's the point of doodling a cathedral if you don't get to do flying buttresses?)

Wednesday, 6 December 2017

Tuesday, 5 December 2017

This was an experiment in drawing white on black, rather than vice versa. It didn't quite work out, as you see, which is why this is apparently a caricature of the ghost of Michael Caine, rather than the man himself. But I'll have another go sometime.

Monday, 4 December 2017

One of many, many marginal penguins doodled whilst writing Penguin Diplomacy. This is one of the worst of them - what on earth is going on with his feet? But it's still my favourite, just because of the operatic pose.

Sunday, 3 December 2017

I apologise for Faraging up your advent so early. But one thing I've discovered this year is the joy of caricaturing people I dislike, and so am not held back by guilt. You'll never guess which public figure taught me this lesson. (I will try to keep him out of this series. But no promises...)

Friday, 1 December 2017

Saturday, 9 September 2017

Yesterday, I watched the 1941 Leslie Howard film 'Pimpernel Smith', a retelling of The Scarlet Pimpernel set in 1939. I was delighted to find it has what must be at least an extremely early example of a particular type of joke:

That's pretty good, isn't it? Forty years before Ted Stryker met a trombonist in a bar, or Homer Simpson met the Springfield Philharmonic in the woods. Does anyone know of an earlier version? The Goons did it a lot, of course, but not until the '50s.

I recommend the film, by the way- it's on Netflix at the moment (in Britain, anyway), and has some good jokes in it, and an excellent (and excellently cast and costumed) comedy Nazi.

- 'No, no, no. Shakespeare is a German. Professor Schußbacher
has proved it once and for all.'

- 'Dear me, how very upsetting. Still, you must admit that the
English translations are remarkable.'

(I know, I know... I will do the rest of the Double Act blogs eventually. Probably.)

Sunday, 2 July 2017

Well, I have finally finished writing this series of Double Acts - only five weeks after they started going out - and so have time to write something about Double Acts. The first of the series, The Queen's Speech, starring Stephanie Cole and Kerry Godliman, is still available on iPlayer for the next five days.

There really was - and is - a short recording of Queen Victoria speaking, which you can hear here. (Skip straight to 1.19 for the most cleaned up version, but don't expect to able to make out much.)

And it really was made at the end of a demonstration of a newly invented recording machine - not the phonograph, but the graphophone. For a full account of this demonstration, and the fate of the wax cylinder afterwards, read Paul Tritton's 'The Lost Voice of Queen Victoria'. In it, you will find that there is a (remote) possibility that another cylinder exists, in which Her Majesty Queen Victoria, Empress of India blurts the word 'tomatoes', because someone is pointing at some tomatoes. The grandchildren of the inventor of the graphophone had memories of a different version which they listened to - without much interest - as children.

Even if it never happened, the idea of a Victorian inventor gravely indicating some tomatoes in the hope of provoking a comment from the Queen seemed like a promising start.

This one was one of the three research-heavy episodes of the series, and a surprising amount of it is true, or based in truth. Victoria really did have what she referred to as 'treats' - performances by conjurors, singers, and even comedians in the afternoons at Balmoral or Osbourne. She really did try to learn Hindustani from her 'Munshi', Abdul Karim; and the phrase she quotes: 'Anda thik ubla nahi hai', meaning (supposedly) 'The egg is not yet boiled' is one of the ones in the pocket-book the Munshi made for her, along with 'The poor boy has a bad pain in his hand', 'The tea is always bad at Osbourne', 'You will miss the Munshi very much' and... 'Hold me tight'. I'm sure there's a perfectly innocent explanation.

Other true bits: Inventors really were a bit at a loss about what possible use a machine that records sound could be, and Mabel's daftest suggestion is lifted straight from the real inventor of the graphophone, Henry Edmonds:

Oh, and Victoria really did both dislike Gladstone, and find him very dull. And perhaps with reason. Here he is writing to her in the year The Queen's Speech is set, trying to say he's glad it didn't rain in Liverpool:

Of course, the moment I began to write Queen Victoria as a character, there was only one actor I wanted to play her. In the first series of Double Acts, producer David and I deliberately chose not to use any of the actors who had appeared in Cabin Pressure (apart from me, obviously), because we wanted it to have a chance to establish itself as its own thing. For the second series, however, we felt able to abandon that restriction - with great relief - and indeed someone who appeared in C.P. appears in all six episodes. Although one of them is incredibly hard to spot...

So, anyway, we crossed our fingers and asked Stephanie, and thank God she said yes. She's truly wonderful in it. As is Kerry Godliman, one of the very few actors in the world who could hold their own against Stephanie Cole squared by Queen Victoria. Of the shadowy figure who played Gladstone and the Sergeant, though; little is known. I mean, where would I find someone who could do both Victoriana and Shouting...?

A final note on the machine: I am informed that David Tyler, who co-edits the show, as well as producing, directing, and script-editing it (it's basically more his show than mine) never wants to hear another treadle as long as he lives.

Monday, 30 January 2017

From Ascension Island. Do you think their stamps only feature things that ascend?

Hello, Earth! You have seven days left to hear the glorious, hilarious, moving, peculiar joy that is Time Spanner, by Simon Kane. Plan those days wisely, because you'll want to hear it at least twice. Simon has done many marvellous things, but readers of this blog may know him best from Double Acts (playing Luke in The Goliath Window) and Souvenir Programme (playing The Train Manager, Mr Hyde, Quasimodo, Thomas The Tank Engine, Prof. Daniel Fahrenheit, First Tentacled Creature, Lt-Gen Sir Hugo Hushhh, Rob, Sam, Ed, Ben, Sam, Joe, Rob, Rob, Sam, The Black And White Stripy Jumper I've Had Since School, and the Sun. Among others.)

Anyway, this is the first episode of - paws crossed - the first series of Time Spanner; and it is beautiful and wonderful and bonkers... except it's not bonkers, not really, that's just something people say about things like this, when what they (I) mean is that the author has an imagination, and isn't afraid to use it. I'm in it, playing a dead dog like normal, as are David Mitchell, London Hughes, Belinda Stewart-Wilson and Jeremy Limb.

Simon's been working on it, in one form or another, for at least ten years; and it's been such a pleasure and an education to watch him refine it from a dazzling explosion of ideas and jokes and characters and umbrella-headed monks to this intricate, beautifully plotted half hour with a love story at its heart - without losing any of the wild creativity, great jokes, and frequent poetry that made it so exciting from the start. Truly, a watch made of swans.

Tuesday, 24 January 2017

I had rather a strange- but lovely- day yesterday, in which first this happened:

...and then later on, this happened:

Yes, I have henchmen now...

So, thank you very much to the British Comedy Guide (and to you, if you voted for us!) and to the Writers' Guild. And of course to Ed, Lawry, Margaret, Carrie and Simon for Souvenir Programme; and to David Tyler, Rebecca Front and Beth Mullen for Double Acts.

Tuesday, 10 January 2017

Possibly should have mentioned this before, but Souvenir Programme is back! It's going out at 6:30 on Tuesdays. The first three episodes are available here, and the next three will go up there too in due course.

Random thoughts on today's episode:

The Pachelbel sketches (One Hit Wonder and Loose Canon. I still give sketches names, even though only Ed and the cast ever see them) were written for Radio Three's anniversary last year, on the condition I was allowed to re-record them and use them in my show too. Susannah Pearse arranged and played the canon, of course, while I sat next to her, miming, and at one point helpfully knocking the music off the stand, as she played, live, on Radio Three... (For non-Brits: Radio Three is the big serious classical music station.)

I do genuinely own all those shirts, and that jumper I bought in the sixth form, which as one of the cast kindly pointed out to me means that it is older now than I was when I bought it. The pineapples on the pineapple shirt are subtler than the ones you're probably imagining.

The first policeman sketch was inspired by Line of Duty, which is why I asked Simon to do a Northern Irish accent, in honour of Adrian Dunbar.

Apparently, the reason we can get away with saying Coca-Cola is made of dissolved children's teeth is that, to prove it was defamatory, they would have to a) argue that a reasonable person might think it is, and b) reveal their secret recipe to prove it's not!

The parrots sketch came out of Silly Voices Day*, and was Lawry's idea. The Save the Children sketch last week did too - that one was inspired by a perfectly nice woman one of the cast once worked with, who had a witch-y voice. I want to say which member of cast, but perhaps I shouldn't, just in case...
(Just in case the woman somehow reads this and is offended, I mean. Not just in case she actually is a witch.)

Ol' Vine Leaves, Baggy Grey, and Pineapples. See? Subtle.

*It occurs to me this could probably stand some elaboration. Every series we have a Silly Voices session about half way through the writing process, where Ed, the cast, and I get together, and I pitch half-formed sketches which I don't yet know how to make work; and also quite literally get everyone to do silly voices in case that inspires something, which it often does. Other sketches that began at Silly Voice Days include: Basking Sharks, Kirates, the family reunion one with everyone being older than the person before, the slow-talking emergency briefing one, and many more.

Wednesday, 4 January 2017

Niue is a small island nation in the South Pacific, with a population of 1,600. And their national football team has in fact only played two matches in its history - both in the 1983 South Pacific Games. It's not as if goals weren't scored in those matches, however. Niue lost 14 nil to Tahiti, and 19 nil to Papua New Guinea.

At this point you may be thinking, well, so what? It's a tiny nation with the population of a village. Of course their sports teams are going to get thrashed by far, far bigger countries like Tahiti or Papua New Guinea...

Sunday, 1 January 2017

At the end of the nineteenth century, a rich gold strike near the Mexican town of Tlalpujahua meant that for a few years in the early twentieth century, it was the largest producer of gold in the world. The mine was a huge industry, and the population grew to a quarter of a million. Then, in 1937, a major landslide buried the mine, and much of the town. The mine closed, and the townspeople were forced to go elsewhere in search of work. Within ten years, the population was under a thousand.

One of the men who left was Joquaín Muñoz Orta, who in the fifties ended up in Chicago, working in a factory making artificial Christmas trees. When he returned to Mexico, he set up a workshop making first trees, and then baubles to go with them. The baubles were far more popular, and the workshop grew into a factory... which is now the fifth largest producer of baubles in the world. There is also a second bauble factory in the town, as well as over a hundred small family workshops. The population of Tlapujahua is now back up to about a quarter of a million... and around 70% of the town's economy comes from bauble-making.

Friday, 9 December 2016

Thursday, 8 December 2016

This is a different sort of place-holder, in that it's a work in progress, a first layer, and when (if) I finish it, I'll replace the image and delete this text. But for now, and who knows, maybe for ever, here's the undercoat.....