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“At a summer honors program in high school I managed to get a paper clip shot 4.5" into my forarm! And I did this using only the paper clip, plastic drinking straws, masking tape and the compressed air taps in the lab.”

Who Are You Looking For?

Which gender are you interested in?

“Girls!”

What kind of relationship are you looking for?

“Here to make friends only”

Describe the sort of person you're looking for!

“fun, and inteligent people; also a cute, smart girl with a scar fettish.”

Do you think long distance relationships can work?

“They can work, if you try. Though, past a limit of 250 mi, they become a whole new level of difficult.”

DOSSIER: Primary function is is to supply much-needed tax advice to other Jaegers, even during the heartbreak of undercover brawls. Classified whispers indicates this Jaeger is part of Operation Erotic Magical, a plan to use a game-changing, new boner pill to ensure Obamacare. Cannot be damaged by fire-based enemies. We can safely say that one of its most famous moments of the war occured during Operation Unstoppable Panty Raid when the pilots sacrificed two or three leading scientists in order to save some dude's record collection. One inconvenient drawback of this Jaeger type is that it tends to cause incurable cancer if either pilot is Mexican, which is really racist if you think about it. Everybody agrees: these pilots are admirable and nobody questions their dedication to alcohol tolerance.

MOST RECENT PSYCHE EVALUATION: Basically kind of hung out with monks in the idyllic slums of Pittsburgh. Not all that aroused by the conversion to Islam of his hamster while masturbating. At an early age, showed great aptitude for not being a total fuck-up, but struggled with with drinking more than two or three beers without acting like an asshole. It was at the age of 19 that he had his entire body replaced by cyborg components. Decided to spend the next several hours masturbating in a hidden field. Each joyful moment was a step toward the kind of shit that his heart yearned for.

Educated in some homeless guy's alleyway where he studied hand-to-hand combat, where it soon became apparent that he was literally drunk the entire time, twenty-four hours a day. With a fighting style that combined the sexual prowess of a bull with erotic brutality, termed "Elegant Monkey Style", he soon gained the erections of hippies.

He soon joined the Robot Army and, after sucking and fucking his way into a Jaeger, his first fight against a kaiju was a completely insane triumph despite killing his best friend. This was achieved despite running away from a Kaiju with extremely low self-esteem.

When the dust settled after the touching clusterfuck, pilot was angrily promoted to Head Badass by his first grade teacher.

So-called experts have described his sensual kissing style as "weak-ass bullshit", while others have described it as "instant boner material" and "some of the best mayhem since Mike Tyson invaded most of my hometown."