(Closed) Fiancé family issues

My fiances motheis has been a wedding planner for years for high end weddings. When we got engaged I assumed she would be a huge part in helping to plan our wedding. My FSI and I have always had issues, and I’ve tried hard to get along with her. She is 6 years older than me and was almost married at one point but they broke it oassume think the only issue she really has with me is that she is jelious of our relationship. When I found out she was talking bad about me behind my back I was very hurt. I am not the best person when it comes to dealingis with bad situations so I just refused to speak with her. She knew the reasons why I was upset and she never tried to call and speak with me. After a month of us not talking, my fiances mother took his sisters side and told us that it’s best she just “concentrates on the rehersal dinner”. I was so upset when she told us she decided it was best not to help me plan the wedding. Her excuse was that my mom decided on a wedding budget of $15k and she “doesn’t even know where to start planning a wedding with that budget”. (it is alot lower budget than any of the quarter of a million dollar weddings she is use to planning.

After I decided to squash the issues and talk directly to my FSIL about our fued and move on. All was good until I found out what my future mother in law had planned for the rehersal dinner. She plans to spend $7k for the dinner!!! That’s crazy! That’s some people’s wedding budget! That is going to make my wedding look bad next to her over the top rehersal dinner.

We have a small family and half of the people attending the wedding is their family anyways, I haven’t even heard of some of them. Is she trying to out do us because she doesn’t want to feel cheap in front of her family? I don’t understand why this is nessisary! Please help!

$7000 for a rehearsal dinner? Whoa baby!!! Is it that much because it’s at a high end restaurant? Inviting a lot of people? If your FI’s family is well off financially $7000 might be like $500 to you and I and she doesn’t think it’s extravagent.

If you spoke to your FSIL and all is good how does her mother wanting to spend 7 grand on a dinner change anything? Isn’t that a seperate issue?

They are not that well off. It feels to me like they are trying to prove a point. I don’t get it as well. The rehersal dinner is going to be held at my FMIL’s partners house who does weddings with her. As for my FSIL, she always gets her way. I feel now she only pretends to try n get along with me and it’s all fake- she always gets what she wants- thinking she might have told my FMIL something to make her act this way.

If your FMIL is paying for and planning the rehearsal, her budget is her business. I wouldn’t automatically think that she was trying to “outdo” you. If you were having a huge expensive wedding (let’s say $50,000 for example) that was being paid for by your parents, would you be embarassed/upset if your FMIL threw a $500 rehearsal? Hopefully not. It’s really nice of her to plan and pay; lots of people get no offers of help. It’s not going to make your wedding “look bad”. It’s another party being thrown in your honour.

That being said, I wouldn’t let any more passive aggressive comments about your budget (my budget top end was $15000 too) go. Your coping mechanisms for dealing with conflict need to be addressed as well. Just not talking to someone only makes the problem worse. If she makes any more negative comments, I would address them outright- same with your FSIL.

Don’t say this to her, of course, but if she “doesn’t even know where to start” when working with budget constraints, that doesn’t reflect all that well on her wedding planning skills. It’s not that difficult to do something fantastic when you get to draw on an unlimited budget. I would think that a truer test of someone’s abilities would be to pull off a great wedding while working within resource limitations.

I would also think that, as a professional, she would have enough sense to realize that a spendy, splashy rehearsal dinner is going to be a little out of sync with the wedding you’re planning. Again, I think that reflects questionably on her professional judgement.

It’s gotta be your call, though, whether and how to talk to her about this. She is going to be your family going forward, and so now is a good time to learn how to handle disagreements and conflicts. Are you going to stay quiet and simply deal with her choices and whether or not they complement yours? Are you going to speak up and try to find a way to work with her? That’s something you need to sort out for yourself.