Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Piece of My Heart

During the spring of
2009, a few months before I became pregnant with my daughter, I co-hosted a
dinner-party baby shower for a friend at my house in Texas. The theme was twinkle, twinkle, little star
and I had decorated four card tables in my living room with blue and yellow
table cloths and sparkly star centerpieces.
We had planned a four course menu and with each course, my friend moved
from table to table in order to have time to speak with each guest
individually. As white Christmas lights
sparkled above our heads (my staple decoration for any party I host) and the tea
lights’ warm glow glistened upon our faces, I sat listening to a mother of two
as she spoke to my pregnant friend. “Being
a parent is the most amazing experience,” she said. “Your heart is no longer a part of you, but
rather it is walking around outside of your body.” I remember thinking how fantastically poetic
that statement sounded.

After two plus years of being a parent, complete with an
uncountable number of sleepless nights, ear infections, teething problems,
dirty diapers, picking food up off the floor, making sure you have the
pacifier, wipes, diapers, the bottles with powder, the bottle of water, the
crackers, the blanket, the sippy cup full of juice in the diaper bag, while making
sure you have enough formula and baby food in the cabinet and milk in the
fridge, the whining, the begging, the questions – why aren’t you tired, why
won’t you eat, and really, just why won’t you stop crying. . . while not
without its wonderfully memorable and rewarding moments, I think I may, just
may, finally understand what the baby
shower guest had been getting at. I was
talking to my college roommate on the phone last weekend. She’s planning a trip to visit me in a few
months and I was telling her how much my daughter had changed since she had
seen her last. “She’s just so amazing,
you may not even recognize her,” I told her.
She has a nephew just a few days older than my daughter and she replied
that my daughter was probably just like her nephew – running around and talking
up a storm. Yes. True.
But my initial reflexive thought to her statement was “No. No, she’s
exactly like me.”

I’ve been a stay-at-home mom and a working-mom. After both experiences I can say I have total
respect for both positions as just having kids period is hard work. Each
job has its pros and cons and still to this day, I can not say with certainty
which one I liked better. I remember
driving to my office for the first year of my daughter’s life and as I pulled
into the parking garage, I took a sip out of my jumbo-sized cup of coffee, and
thought “I feel so defeated.” Here in Leiden, after feeding my family four
meals a day (yes, snack time is important for all of us), washing the dishes
and bottles, vacuuming, washing clothes, running the dishwasher daily, as the
clock nears 6:00 p.m., I anxiously wait for my husband to return home from work.
Both kids are screaming, dinner is on
the stove, and the dogs are barking to be fed, I am once again reminded that I
am constantly outnumbered in the household, and I think to myself, “I feel so defeated.” It’s a different defeated, but both scenarios
require large amounts of physical exhaustion, time-management, and either way –
you never quite feel like you’re doing a good enough job.

To my surprise, I never felt guilty about dropping my
daughter off at daycare in Texas
(well, at least not after the first few days).
The women at her school loved
their jobs and they loved my daughter.
They had full nights of sleep, had someone to answer the phone, prepare
the meals, and had the advantage of years and years of experience caring for
children. My daughter learned to be
independent and social and knew her letters and numbers before the age of
two. I got to dress up everyday, meet
friends for lunch, use an analytical side of my brain, and help our family
successfully complete Dave Ramsey’s Baby Step #2 before we moved here. Now that I am with them all day everyday, I do sometimes feel guilty about the way I
can lose it with my children. I do get
annoyed and angry. A lot of my
dissatisfaction stemmed from the fact that they are both so small (especially
when we first arrived) and inevitably, they’d cry at the same time and I would
have to pick one to attend to first. This broke my heart while making me crazy with
frustration because I couldn’t meet their needs like I wanted to. It just wasn’t physically possible, yet I
felt an immense guilt and anger about it all.
I wish it were not so, but after many late-night discussions with my
husband questioning our place in the universe - why are we here and what’s the
point, I think this is a key part of completing this rotation. We are both facing sides of our personality
which are not exactly flattering. There
is nowhere to run and hide and no luxury of ignoring certain qualities, but
with that self-awareness and acknowledgement, comes growth and understanding of
not only ourselves, but each other, and our children.

It took a month of training my daughter to not throw her
food on the floor (something the daycare tolerated, but drove me insane), and
now we were working on “No run off!” As
you know, our lives are very pedestrian and running down sidewalks and chasing
after her is not only dangerous but embarrassing. (As if I needed more reasons for the
neighbors’ eyebrows to rise.) But as
both children grow older, there is more understanding and predictability, which
soothes my nerves more than a Mozart CD and a glass of Pinot Noir.

I have a brother 4 years younger than me and I always
remember thinking that he was my
baby. I wanted to take care of him and
perhaps, do everything my mother did. My
siblings always called me ‘bossy’ and made fun of this undesirable character
flaw. But as my daughter grows, I will
often hear her shouting “No baby!” from the other room. I will sigh, put down the spoon I was cooking
with, and turn the corner flustered and ready to scold her for yelling at her
brother, but I’m stopped short. I am
instantly apologetic for my near-outburst because she is right. The baby is about to pull on the computer
cord or is crawling too close to an electrical socket. She’s not telling him what to do to tell him
what to do – she’s imitating me. More
humorously, I also hear her telling Tyler
(our dog) to eat his food and for Dash to stay away from Tyler’s
food. “Tyler
Eat! No Dash – Go Away!” she shouts from
her highchair as she officiates the activities below like a tennis judge. These are words she has heard for months
straight. (For some reason, we just
can’t find a Dutch dog food Tyler
will gobble up like we had in the U.S. So with that, like my children, I have one
dog that picks at his food and another that had an empty pit of a stomach. Each scenario comes with its own
frustrations. We’ll see what happens
when the baby is old enough to pick food off of my daughter’s plate.) She will hold her stuffed Minnie Mouse and
bounce her up and down, shushing softly, patting her on her back, as I do the
same with the baby. She sees me in
shorts and a tank top and runs to get her play cans of food. These are her ‘weights’ and she excitedly
“works-out” with me regularly in the living room. She loves ‘cooking’ and I have taught her how
to make guacamole using her play avocados, tomatoes, and onions as examples. After hearing her shout my name all day long
for 6 months straight, my son started saying “Mama” when we visited Bruges and
has been repeating it incessantly ever since.
I was witness to the 1st time my son pulled up on the coffee table
and caught the 2nd go around on video. These are all things that perhaps, I would
not have been able to experience or understand in its entirety, had I still
been working full-time in the U.S. So as life handed me a job during the first year
plus of my daughter’s life and a position as a stay-at-home mom now, neither of
which was a particularly conscious decision on my part, but rather it was
simply the best way to survive in each chapter, I am grateful for the
advantages each one provides and the perspective to recognize them.

Do I feel a slight
sense of identity loss as the ABCs, Row Row Row Your Boat and the Wheels on the
Bus songs replace my previously-daily phrases of ‘inventory investment
schedule”, “in-transit reconciliation”, and “finished goods balances”? Yes. I
do. But after months of spending time
with my children, I find myself, my true
self rather, walking around outside of my body in the form of my children. My Baby Girl loves to sing, dance, has an
excellent memory, and superb sense of direction. She doesn’t just get tired and go to
sleep. In a sleepy state, unfortunately,
her energy level rises and she becomes angry and physically rambunctious. She’s never met a stranger, becomes ecstatic
when people visit us at home, and has adopted our handyman as “Opa”. Her teachers have described her as “very
confident” and “fearless.” When no other
Dutch children would pet the mouse at the farm, she ran up to the front of the
group and petted the tiny rodent (not exactly something I would do.) My Little Man is perpetually laughing and is
constantly analyzing his surroundings. I
wouldn’t necessarily describe myself in all these ways, but really, as a
parent, isn’t that what we all like to see:
A more confident and happy, version of ourselves? Moving to The Netherlands, I had fully
anticipated learning about different cultures and history and I think we’re
well on our way to accomplishing this feat.
But to find and learn more about myself, during a move across the world,
was not really a thought I had entertained.
As I watch my children grow and learn everyday, it’s been a surprising
but welcomed discovery. So go ahead
babies, take your piece of my heart, and let it soar.

5 comments:

This is my favorite post you've done so far. I know so few people who have been both SAHM and WOHMs, and I keep wanting to ask you WHICH IS BETTER, as if you now have the answer and you're keeping from the rest of us!

And I think as parents, we DO want our kids to be just like us, only better. Uh, like WAY better in my case. Heh.

OMG - you ARE me!! I felt all the same things as a working mom vs. stay at home mom. I always said that they can't really be compared. It is totally different, from waking up to lunch to bedtime, it is altogether different. Now, 2 years in, I can't imagine not seeing the daily progress of my kids. I do reminisce about lunch with a friend, dropping them off and getting a coffee by myself, and even going to a gym while they are in daycare. But I wouldn't go back for double my salary. or triple. or for anything.

Great piece, Celeste! As a brand new mom, I've been trying to figure out which fits me better, working or stay at home mom. So far, I've only had a short stint in each, about 3 months at home with her on maternity leave, then back at work for just over 3 months now. I'm still trying to figure out which fits me better, and I change my mind on almost a daily basis. I thought by the time my maternity leave was over, I would either be ready to go back, or know for sure that I wanted to quit and stay at home with her, but neither was the case. I also have that feeling of being defeated almost everyday in both roles. Good for you for having household chores done and dinner on the stove by 6pm! Some days I was just lucky to get through the day without crying! Then, I went back to work and cried every day I dropped her off at daycare. At least I don't cry every day anymore, but it's still a lot harder than I thought it would be. At home, I counted the hours til my husband came home, and back at work, I count the hours til I can get home and see my baby. Now that I've got a little better handle on my emotions and hormones, and she gets more fun everyday, I HATE being back at work. I still feel guilty every day I drop her off and always feel like I'm missing something new she's doing and can't wait to get back home to her. I now know why "mommy guilt" is is such a common phrase. I feel it all the time now, though I'm sure all mom's feel that in either role to some extent. Maybe I'll never completely fit the mold of one or the other. Maybe with more time and practice, each role gets easier. I guess you just have to pick one and make the best of it. My sweet little girl definitely has a piece of my heart and I'm forever changed because of her.

Beautifully written. The side effects of expat life are only seen by outsiders as frequent travel and excellent medical care. You have shared what no one knows, and I can't articulate. 'We are both facing sides of our personality which are not exactly flattering. There is nowhere to run..." It's a scary and painful journey to see yourself reacting in ways you've never experienced or expected. I can completely sympathize. Amazing that you've reflected and expressed your emotional journey so well. I'm happy you're enjoying the kids and settling in more. I've been learning it's important to live in the moment, because it's really all we have. This summer traveling with a toddler, I was forced to live in the moment. Sounds like you're doing the same. :) I wish you well, and I'll see you soon. :D

Hey Girls - Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and ideas. Oh yes, I have had my fair share of days where all three of us were crying at the same time. (With Tyler looking at me sympathetically and Dash guiltily sneaking up to the 3rd floor to get some peace and quiet away from the drama). I think one of the factors that made it easier on me to return to work (and by the same token, makes it a little more challenging being at home) is my daughter's personality (and as time progresses, I believe my son may be the same way). She is very social and always enjoys being around lots of people. She attends an English-Dutch pre-school on Monday and Thursday mornings for a few hours and they just completed a summer vacation of 6 weeks. This past Monday as I was dropping her off at school I was almost crying, but SHE was fine. So with that, I think each child/mom/family creates a unique dynamic and it takes time to figure out what balance works best for each family. (Of course, it can always change depending on the age and situation of the children as well.) Thanks for reading, I'm so glad you enjoyed and shared!

About Me

Celeste is an American expat who has been living in Leiden, The Netherlands since January 2012. She made the leap from Texas with her husband, two small children, and two large dogs. She's an ex-accountant who has adapted to her new role as full-time-Mom (with a part-time job) in a new country. Eleanor Roosevelt's advice, "Do one thing every day that scares you," isn't necessarily optional in her daily life.