Let Me Give You Bad Advice: Dinosaur Attacks

I walk up to a lady and say confidently, “Which is more contagious: laughter or a rash?” She’ll giggle a bit and say, “I don’t know, which is it?” And then I’ll say, “I don’t know either, but if you stick with me we can find out.”

This is good because it accomplishes two things: it gives her the idea that I can make her laugh, and it also informs her of my numerous, contagious skin rashes.

I’m also fond of “Is that a mirror in your pocket? I can’t tell, because I’m looking at your boobs.” The thing I like about that one is how classy it is.

FROM: naturelover100

How can I stop the urges to attack people with my dinosaurs?!

FROM: the_lol_chick

How do I train my genetically engineered mini-raptors to attack the people I dislike? Also, is there anyway to avoid getting bitten while I'm training them? I've lost a couple of fingers already...

I think you two need to sit down and have a nice discussion—you could learn a lot from each other. the_lol_chick, you need help getting your dinosaurs into fighting condition, whereas naturelover100, you need to remind yourself of a time when your dinosaurs weren’t constantly attacking your enemies. Really, you’re two sides of the same coin, a dinosaur coin, a dinosaur coin that attacks people.

But what I’m really going to help you with are your rage issues, which are manifested in oddly specific and similar ways. You need to work on controlling your tempers. This may sound simple, but I assure you it’s worth a try: have you tried counting to ten? Taking a moment to consider the situation, to give yourself time to let your anger subdue, it can really put things in perspective. “Why am I so angry? Do these school children really deserve a dinosaur attack?” Allowing yourself even a brief ten seconds to think will let you answer these questions.

Another question you should consider: why do I have so many enemies? I suppose with the ability to create, raise, and train dinosaurs that you may face opposition from competing and jealous parties or corporations, but I think the problem goes deeper than that. If you need to keep attacking people with dinosaurs, you need to turn inward and ponder: what about me makes me so unlikeable? Why do I have so many people worth attacking with dinosaurs? Have you considered that maybe the reason people don’t like you is because you keep attacking them with dinosaurs?

How about letting kids ride the dinosaurs? Or you could set up a petting zoo where all the proceeds go to charity, perhaps a charity for people recovering from dinosaur attacks. There’s a lot more you can use dinosaurs for other than evil.

FROM: think_inside_the_chimney

I've noticed that video game characters are often capable of using books as weapons, and the books can do as much damage as (or even more than) normal weapons like swords. How does one use a book as a weapon? Does this work in real life? Do I need a special magic book, or can I fight monsters using an otherwise worthless book, i.e., Twilight?

The key here is all about where you throw the book—some parts of the body are weaker and more prone to book-violence. I recommend checking out a book called Weaponbook: Using Books as Weapons, and then taking this book and throwing it as hard as you can at a person’s head. Ideally, you want to hit them right in the temple. If you can’t hit them in the temple, try for the spine—it’s bigger, and also hurts a lot.

You brought up another good consideration: which book should I use? Some books are certainly better suited for injury than others. Goodnight Moon? That’s like 30 pages and soft cover; it’s a terrible choice. The Twilight series isn’t too bad, as long as it’s hard cover, plus those books already have a precedent for damaging people’s brains. Personally though, I’d recommend a book called Knifebook: the Book That’s Made of Knives. This one would definitely harm someone, mostly because it’s a book made of knives.

Also, why use the book to attack your enemies? You and the dinosaur people have so many anger problems; I don’t know why this website is filled with so much ire. Thankfully I wrote a book about the very subject—you should check it out, it’s called Ragebook: Another Book That’s Made of Knives. Lesson one: don’t throw this book at anyone’s spine.

That’s it for this week! As usual, if you have any pressing concerns that require my intelligent and practical advice, leave your questions in the comments and I’ll answer them next week!

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About the Author

Reid Faylor is a stand-up comedian, cartoonist, writer, and whimsically bearded gentleman living in New York City. He owns a cat named Mr. President. You can follow his tumblr at reidfaylor.tumblr.com.