Does she think I’m not a responsible patient? Does she think I’m not capable of making my own decisions?

Doesn’t she know how intrusive her comments are?

Doesn’t she know I’d do anything to feel better? Doesn’t she know how much I’ve already done and am doing?

She knows I’ve gone to countless specialists and had a multitude of tests one. I’m so frustrated!

Those thoughts lead to guilt.

I’m too sensitive. I’m taking her advice the wrong way. Why can’t I just be grateful that she cares?

Why does it bother me so much when loved ones try to help by offering advice? I think it’s because they know I base my decisions on information provided by my doctors and research–after much prayer.

Job knew what it was like to be given advice. His own wife recommended that he “curse God and die!” (Job 2:9).

Job’s answer stands as an example of a God-honoring response. “‘Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?’ In all this, Job did not sin in what he said” (Job 2:10).

Job reached an acceptance of his suffering because he was, in God’s own words, “blameless and upright, a man who fears God” (Job 1:8).

Our invisible illnesses trigger grief. The road to acceptance is the path leading to God. The more we cling to God, the easier it is to come to an acceptance.

Those who endure invisible symptoms also struggle to accept their affliction. We need powerful advice from able-bodies friends: Keep your focus on God.

Earthly advice can be hurtful. But, heavenly advice is powerful.

Prayer: Dear Father, If anyone gives me unsolicited advice, help me answer with gentleness and kindness. Soften my heart so I can graciously thank her for the compassion which prompted the recommendation.

Teach me how to let my loved ones know how they can help. Oh, how I want to hear Your words rather than earthly advice from others. I join the psalmist in asking, “Do not be silent. Do not be far from me, Lord” (Psalm 35:22). I rest in the knowledge that You alone know the answer my secret questions. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

About the Author:
Vicki understands special needs as a patient, parent, and professor. She has had multiple sclerosis since 1993. Her 33-year-old son was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. She’s taught special education as a teacher, administrator, and adjunct professor. Through her blog, she reaches out to other mothers of children with mental illness. http://mentalillnessmom2mom.net/
Vicki wrote a picture book about bullying: Heart Eyes: Beth and the Bullies. You can find out more about that book by visiting her Heart Eyes website: www.hearteyes.net

How do you respond to unwanted advice? How does it make you feel?

This is Michael W. Smith singing “A Little Stronger Every Day” and I chose this song because I think when it comes to receiving advice, it takes time. I related to what Vicki said enough that I could have written those words. So often we choose to listen to what the world says–as the lyrics in this song say. But the more we listen to God’s voice, the more we hang on His words, we can grow stronger every day–and allow the words of others to slip off so much more easily. Hoping that this little upbeat song of Michael’s is a reminder that even when things get to you, you can become a little stronger every day. -Lisa

9 Responses to Advice: Painful or Powerful?

Great devotional today. My brother who has never been sick or suffer from a chronic illness told me recently that I should walk a mile a day, because I managed to walk a mile for my Dad at the Alzheimer’s walk.He probably didn’t notice that mile walk put me in bed for hours. I had an RA flare up and felt resentful because at his age 66 he can still jog. I forgave him, but he does this every time he visits. Thank you

Dear Sarah,
I’m sorry you have to endure those types of comments whenever your brother visits. Parts of your story about the mile walk sounded familiar. I’ve had to spend hours (and sometimes days) recovering from an activity. And I’ve also felt badly that I can’t do more (I don’t even have energy to participate or support the MS walks in my area. And I feel a bit guilty for not even trying.)
What I know from your experience that you’re a woman of great courage. You entered that mile walk knowing you’d pay later. And still you willingly did it. Such a selfless act of compassion!
In my own journey toward acceptance, I struggle with how much to explain to my loved ones. Sometimes, I don’t bother trying to explain what it’s like to live with invisible symptoms. I tell myself that they won’t ever fully understand (how could they?). Other times, I realize they make comments based on their own lack of understanding. That’s when I figure it’s my responsibility to help them know.
How do I get rid of such conflict? Prayer. God’s still in the business of helping me through this.
Rest easy in Him. Grace and peace,
Vicki

I have been reading Rest Ministry devotionals for several years, too many to remember and have been blessed many times. I have shared many devotionals and blessed others. However, this is the first time i am commenting.

God has blessed me and talked me through an issue that occurred this week. A psychologist is living with my sister in law and told me my infection since 8/15/15, sinus issues, pain, polyps (i won’t go on)…were all a sign of unresolved anger and she would be glad to explore this with me. not one question as to my medical health (current or chronic), 3 courses of antibiotics, 4 md visits, emergency ct scans to rule out emergency surgery and a sinus scope (all in one month) and a praise that this hasn’t affected my severe asthma…first time ever!! Hurt very deeply.

But praise God. He is with me!! i have had a receptionist i’ve never met see my need and spontaneously pray with me. I have had God’s voice, and verses sent EVERY DAY. to top all this off EVERY SINGLE ONE of the devotionals from Rest Ministry this week has spoken to me specifically on this issue. I finally put “it” all to rest and one more comes in the mail box! I felt this one validated my week, and the letter i sent to this women that was seasoned with some salt along with the truth of the bible on illness. Vicky’s devotional put a final bow on the box to store it away.

I so loved how Vicky put to words all the hurt AND guilt feeling of someone’s well meaning words. How the words not only singe, but continue to burn deep. I have used the cleansing waters of Jesus instead of licking my wounds. searched scripture to more fully equip myself with the armor of God in Ephesians. my shield was up to help deflect the flaming arrows, but i learned more about fitting my shoes with peace and scriptures on why we are sick and not “healed” for my belt of truth.

It helped to hear your thought when “helpful advice” is given. I can really relate both to receiving the advice & giving it!!!

As en ex special ed teacher it’s totally engrained in every fibre of who I am to find the simplest solutions to problems!! So when my middle son became incredibly ill with CFIDS I know I gave lots of advice! Sigh!! Fast forward 4 years & I became ill too & then quickly apologized for my constant advice to him. He swifly forgave me & said I was doing it out of love & concern for him to care for him in the best ways that were possible for me at that time. That has really helped me to see both sides of the fence. I can still get hurt by people’s advice to me AND I still can forget & give advice when it’s not asked for! I am a slow learner, but God is graciously leading me ever so patiently!! Amen & amen to your prayer! Thanks again Vicki. You’re a blessing! LOTSoluv Kerryn

Dear Kerryn,
I can totally relate to the special ed. teacher thing, having also been one. I think it’s hard to turn it (the advise) off…kinda like we have to stifle a reflex (tough to do when it’s a strong urge!).
I’m glad you wrote your experiences about your son. I didn’t mean to imply (in my message) that moms of young children shouldn’t give their kids advice. As caregivers, that’s our job. It just becomes a bit more cloudy of an issue when our kids grow up and are adults. I love reading how your son responded to your advice. What a generous soul he must be!
“I am a slow learner, but God is graciously leading me ever so patiently!!”: thanks for reading my mind!
Grateful to serving a longsuffering Father,
Vicki

YEP! It’s definitely “like we have to stifle a reflex” having been special ed teachers! However, I know there sure are benefits too that have really helped me with all sorts of strategies to cope from my experiences of helping others with disabilities.

I understood what you were saying & my son wasn’t a child. When I gave “advice” to my middle son from ages 17-21 it was more like telling him what he should do!! Oh, how I hate that word “should!!” Yet, I used it often & pestered him a lot…. poor guy!! Yes, he is a “generous soul” & he’s soooooo much more patient than I am! He’s learned much wisdom during 9 years of illnesses & I’m very proud of him & continue to learn from him. I long for the day that he’ll become more well. Hopefully moving house soon will improve our health, especially my son’s, when we’re out of this house that apparently has mould. Sigh! Lotsoluv Kerryn

Dear Kerryn,
I also completely understand having an adult son in the home with a disability. Like your son, our Chris learned a lot from his struggles (with mental illness, in his case). Surprisingly, he feels he’s gained quiet a bit of compassion for it, since he can empathize with others. Proof that if God allows it, He’ll use it.
Praying for you during this time of transition and moving.
Fondly,
Vicki

Vicki, I too can identify with the feelings that pop up when unasked for advice is given. And, like you and Kerryn, I find myself often doing the same thing. I’ve never been a special ed teacher but trained as a nurse.

I know the Lord wants to give us wisdom with our words and I know I should offer a quick request to Him before I blurt out what I’m itching to say.

I have a friend who recently found out she has hypothyroidism and is quite concerned to take her medication properly. I did mention to her that I’ve had it for many years but mostly just let her talk about her feelings and ideas. I have been aware that I must be careful about offering advice.

I do think that most people are trying to be helpful, not hurtful, but when someone “makes us a project” I wonder if she has a “need” to “take” care of people and not care “for” us.

Thank you Vicki for reminding us to stick closer to the Lord and be less worried about what the world or people say (or don’t say) in word and actions.