Now at the beginning of term, I was a complete mess in terms of organisation, paperwork, and simply teaching in general. I didn't have a clue. I had done a couple of demonstrations and that was it. It isn't fair to blame other people, but I do blame my first school placement. They didn't know what they were doing, and didn't give me enough hours. Sure, I should have asked, but bleh. I didn't really know what was going on either.

Anyway.

So I had a BIG wake up call on arriving at my second school this term.

I've been working so hard. Been doing so much work.

I've produced schemes of work (basically an outline of EVERY lesson in the year for planning), doing 3 page lesson plans for EVERY lesson, doing evaluations for those lessons after they're done, doing agendas (like a detailed thing to concentrate on in each lesson, like behaviour or dismissing the class).

It's exhausting.

So my tutor came in today, and I thought "I can't wait to see how impressed she is. I'm so proud of myself".

True, the first 20 mins were her and my mentor at school telling me how well I'd progressed. How much I had come along, how quickly I had picked up skills and things.

Then the crunch. I "should have been at this stage at the beginning of term".

Ok, I knew that.

"Do you really think you can cope with being a teacher completely on your own though Tom?"

"Yes"

"Do you? Think of the hundreds of pupils per week you would be teaching"

"Bleh"

My tutor has effectively said that there is a very real chance I won't pass. The words "Likely you will not pass" were used.

I don't get it. I've been doing all the work. I've been working independently.

I was so ****ing mad.

I had to go to a lesson straight after the meeting. I made my way through it, luckily the class were ace.

Came back to the staffroom and she spoke some more to me.

All I wanted to know was HOW to pass. She started telling me how I should order things that were irrelevant (agendas). I lost it. I asked what the point of ordering some agendas was, if it was unlikely if I'm going to pass. All the agendas were for, she said, was to improve our own teaching. What's the point of improving it if I'm not even going to pass?

Bleh.

She eventually left.

The implications of me not passing? Well that's it. I would go to an appeals board, who would probably not allow me a 3rd placement to try to redeem myself (because I had problems in the first placement).
That means I won't get QTS. That means I won't be able to work at this school in London. It also means I can't retry for a PGCE. You only get one shot. I'll be stuck, I won't know what to do with my life, and I'll have wasted 9 months on a course I've failed.

I went back to sit with Eleri and co (the other student teachers). I know I looked miserable, they asked how it went. I just did a "thumbs-down" sign and Eleri asked why. I just said I didn't want to talk about it.

I finished my lunch (10 mins lunch, the other 30 were spent her telling me there isn't much chance of me passing without a huge huge huge huge amount of effort, which she doesn't think i'm capable of with my motivational record).

I just sat there in silence.

I then felt like I was about to break down, so went upstairs to this study room place for us to use in our frees. I just sat on a table and silently sobbed to myself. I didn't want anyone seeing me. I felt like such a loser. Why couldn't I have been organised? Why do I **** up all my academic things? Why am I such a failure?

I stopped after 5 minutes or so, and tried to pull myself together. Luckily my eyes were red earlier from hay fever, so I just blamed it on that when I went to my tutor group.

I have to pass this.

And I will.

Maybe I do have low motivation, but I'm not going to fail this. It would **** too many things up.

It's half term next week.
"Have a rest", my tutor said.
"I think not - I'd rather wear myself out and pass this course, than have a nice weeklong break and screw my life up, thankyou very much" I replied.

It leads to a pathetic array of psuedo celebrities, brings out the worst in the papers and the public. It needlessly divides people into rival camps, celebrating when the one they support survives or wins, moaning and proclaiming foul play when they get the boot. The bookies go stupid about it and start offering insane odds on ridiculous outcomes. The entire nation gets gripped by something they have absolutely nothing to do with, and the only real winners are the sponsors and big companies behind the whole thing.

That's just assuming she isn't brought up to take over the reigns of GD when I depart.

I was going to say something like 'THINK OF THAT KIDS, A 2 YEAR OLD MODERATING GD, WHATEVER NEXT, EH?' but then I remembered that you've been moderating here for a while, so it's hardly a revelation, is it?

*titter*

__________________Dead_Meat

You dont need to keep beating a dog to get it to stop shitting on the carpet

That's just assuming she isn't brought up to take over the reigns of GD when I depart.

I was going to say something like 'THINK OF THAT KIDS, A 2 YEAR OLD MODERATING GD, WHATEVER NEXT, EH?' but then I remembered that you've been moderating here for a while, so it's hardly a revelation, is it?

*titter*

Im only 2 years old if you divide your age by mine and then subtract the speed of light.

__________________
And the Banker, inspired with a courage so new
It was matter for general remark,
Rushed madly ahead and was lost to their view
In his zeal to discover the Snark