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I first wrote in this blog in May, 2011. Now, two years later, this is my last entry.

“One day you are going to lose everything you have. Nothing will prepare you for that day. Not faith… not religion… nothing. When someone you love dies, you will know emptiness… you will know what it is to be completely and utterly alone.” — John Bergin, introduction to The Crow, Special Edition by James O’Barr.

I now understand that you never get over a loss like this. The pain fades, becomes less all-consuming, and it’s easier to remember the happy memories. But you never get over the loss; you have to accept it and make it part of you. I am ten times the person I was before I met Ailish and I would not trade a single moment I had with her.

This blog has been a place for me to share stories from my life with Ailish. This was my place to talk about Ailish. For every story I told, a hundred people have a hundred stories of their own. Ailish was a central player in so many people’s lives. I’m not out of stories; there are still so many, but this is the last one I’ll tell here.

After Ailish and I had been together for about a year, we decided to move in together.

That’s not true.

After Ailish and I had been together for about a year, we decided to buy a house together.

A house.

You know, at the time, it seemed reasonable. Everything was going really well, and both Ailish and I wanted to stop renting and actually own some real estate. This is how we went about doing that.

It’s worth noting I had been exceptionally bad with my finances in my early to mid twenties. Really, really bad. Just about the only thing that saved me was that my credit card limit was only $1000. Still. I had done some research and found out that bad credit falls off your report after a number of years.It didn’t help that Boardwalk had placed a… well, let’s just say ‘aggressively fictitious’… charge on my report and these things are hard to correct. I had been exceptionally careful for a number of years, but I was rather uncertain about what my credit report would show and it was a painful thing to admit to Ailish.

Ailish, on the other hand, had never missed a payment in her life.

So, we went down to the bank to talk mortgages. Turns out the bank was quite happy. “Your credit report, savings, and net worth are exactly what we like to see.” Huzzah! Armed with a preapproval for a mortgage and a reasonable downpayment, we looked around for a realtor.

And struck out.

We emailed several. We called a few. Nobody called back. Here we were, looking to spend hundreds of thousands of the bank’s money, and nobody wanted to talk to us. Weird. After some effort and a few crossed connections, we did eventually find one, recommended to us by my good friend, Chad. Kevin Grenier.

Now, the best way to work with a realtor is to have a clear idea of what you are looking for, know your price range, be certain of the neighbourhood you are interested in, and work with your realtor, providing feedback on each house you look at. What do you like about this house? What do you wish it had? What’s wrong with it?

But, you know, that’s not how we did it. I mean, we thought we had a clear idea of what we wanted. We wanted a house. You know, one we could live in. One we would love. We had a vague idea of the price range. And, errrm… we had this plan. See, buying a house together only works if it is perfect for both of you. So, Kevin would take us to the next house on the list, Ailish and I would walk in, take a look around, and take notes. We wouldn’t say anything. We wouldn’t express appreciation or disapproval. Our faces would be made of stone, betraying no emotion whatsoever. This way, you see, we could do our own silent reviews, get back out to the car, and compare. “6”. “7.5” “Okay, yeah, we don’t like that one. Let’s see the next.” Kevin, to his credit, was very patient. He prodded us for information, tried to figure out what the heck we were doing and why we were so crazy.

Actually, it worked out quite well for Kevin. He took us around a few houses on a Wednesday evening, none of which we liked. Then another few on Saturday. One of the houses we looked at on Saturday, we just fell in love with. Ailish said she knew just looking at the outside. For me, I knew as soon as I walked in the front door. We looked at a few more that day, but we had already picked out our home.

We demanded a second look on Sunday, and then sat down with Kevin to make an offer. The offer wasn’t immediately accepted; Ailish had demanded a possession date two weeks in the future and it was all but impossible to get her to grant even an extra week. She wanted to move in right now today, please. But, after a bit of back and forth, we did finally settle on a reasonable deal.

Moving was quite stressful. Ailish did most of the work, but it’s still not fun. But anyway, we did move in. And then unpacked everything over the next 24 hours, ahem. She made me promise I would never make her move again.

Your first mortgage payment is due at the end of the month, unlike rent which is due at the beginning. Ailish and I had written up a plain-English agreement between the two of us to cover eventualities such as if one of us lost our job, or if we broke up and had to sell the house. We had also set up a shared account where we’d each transfer our share of the mortgage payments and other expenses. And… well, I forgot. I don’t think I ever saw Ailish more angry than that moment. Here she was, just moved in with a guy she rather liked, and he stiffed her on the very first mortgage payment. I apologised rather a lot for that. I had the money, of course, I just hadn’t got around to setting up automatic payments. From then on, I always made my payment one cycle early, just in case.

We loved our home. When we were looking at places, we quickly decided we needed two living rooms, so we could watch different t.v. shows without bothering each other. It turned out we far preferred each other’s company, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. We had a spare bedroom in the basement, the best idea ever. We pretty much retreated there for the entire summer, spiders aside, as it was so much cooler. I still love this house.

Today, Ailish would have turned 30. This would have been a weekend of celebration, beer, and smiles.

It has been a long time since I last wrote a blog post here. There are a million stories I could tell, but I plan to stop writing before the end of this month.

I want to say thank you. This article would probably be most appropriate if left as the final blog post, but it’s going here instead, with one or two more to follow. I have decided to leave out people’s last names. If you see your first name mentioned here, I’m almost certainly talking about you. In no particular order…

Thank you to my family. My mom and my dad (and Sylvia), my brothers David and Matt, and my sister, Helen. And brother-in-law, Travor, and future sister-in-law, Mel! Only family truly understands how crazy you are, and I am deeply grateful for your support despite that craziness.

Thanks to Michael and Dominica and Siobhan and Brian. This has been harder on you than anyone can ever understand, and I am proud to have you as part of my family. I owe you a debt that can never be repaid.

To Sarah and Chad and Tina and Shane and Sandy and Nick and Nicole. I cannot find words to express how wonderful you have all been. Your acceptance and friendship has kept me sane.

Jake, Dane and Erika, Sophie, Janna, I am a poor friend. I am sorry I have done a poor job keeping in contact with you, and I thank you for all the times you have included me. You were all so much more than a ‘friend’ to Ailish, and I wish that words could take away your hurt.

My coworkers, including but definitely in no way limited to Fraser and Tys and Remi and Geoff and Dennis, and my boss, Jack. Some days, some weeks, some months sucked, and you guys helped more than you can imagine. You are also are incredibly smart and very wonderful. Also, Krissin; a friendship based entirely on hippo pictures!

To Lorna, thank you for all you have done, and all you have helped me with. I am proud to know how much Ailish meant to you and to her coworkers. She so deeply loved being a part of the City of Edmonton.

Roma (and Graham) and Melina and Heather and my very many twitter buddies. Sexy, smart, funny, wonderful, the lot of you.

To the ten people I will remember as soon as I hit publish, your omission from this list shames me. And some people I deliberately did not mention because you don’t know me and won’t ever read this, but you helped me nonetheless.

And, of course, to Ailish Ruth O’Connor. What could I write that could ever be enough?

When I met Ailish, she had a 2006 Acura RSX. She described it at the time as a “Poor financial decision, but I love it.” I remember her paying about $1000/month on car payments, but thinking about it now, that seems beyond reasonable; it surely must have been less. At the time, Ailish lived downtown and walked to work pretty much every day. She only really used the RSX to drive to visit me or head out to Medicine Hat to see her family.

By the middle of October, two months after first meeting me, she had sold it and picked up a 2000 Honda Civic instead. Ailish was able to pretty much trade it straight across, getting rid of a monthly car payment. I remember how proud she was of her new-found financial sense, and how disappointed she was not to have the sporty RSX any more.

After Ailish died, the Civic sat unused at the back of the house. For the first three months or so, I had no choice. Until the paperwork came through, I couldn’t stop paying Ailish’s insurance, let alone sell the vehicle. And every time I saw it, I thought maybe Ailish had come home early. :(

I tried to sell the Civic in October. I even had a guy shake on the deal, but it fell apart when he discovered it was a holiday and the banks were closed. And it took me until this weekend to get around to putting it back up on kijiji.ca. This afternoon, someone named Erik came by to check it out. We signed the paperwork and I accepted a deposit; Erik is coming by with the remainder of the cash tomorrow.

I will be sad to see it go. That Civic was incredibly reliable (unless there was snow on the ground), and much as Ailish missed her RSX, she grew to love the little Honda.

This news article was posted to the online edition of the Edmonton Sun on June 14, 2012. You can read it there by following this link. I am republishing it here in case the Edmonton Sun subsequently removes the content. I believe doing so constitutes fair use as this entire blog is dedicated to commentary on the event described in the article.

Bus driver receives fine for fatal crash

Wiping tears from his eyes, an Edmonton Transit bus driver who fatally struck a woman crossing the street in a marked crosswalk last year was handed a $2,000 fine in provincial court Thursday.

When reading her decision, Judge Shelagh Creagh said the incident was a result of a momentary lapse of attention, noting the emotional toll it has taken on both driver Bruce Perrin and the family of victim Ailish O’Connor.

“No matter what point of view one looks at the situation, it’s a tragedy,” said Creagh, adding she hopes everyone can eventually find peace with what happened. “This incident has taken a substantial toll on everyone involved.

Earlier this week, the 53-year-old Perrin pleaded guilty to failing to yield to a pedestrian in a crosswalk under the Traffic Safety Act.

According to agreed facts, it was around 6:45 a.m. on April 20, 2011 when Perrin was driving westbound in the left lane on 102A Avenue and came to a stop at a red light at 97 Street.

O’Connor, 28, was on her way to work, standing on the southeast corner of the intersection waiting for the light to turn green.

When the light changed, she began walking west across 97 Street. At the same time, Perrin accelerated from the stop line to turn left and began going south on 97 Street.

O’Connor was about halfway across the street when she was struck by the bus. She was removed from the underside by firefighters and pronounced dead in hospital.

Perrin had been driving a city bus for 30 years without an incident, and claims he got a glaring effect through his eyeglasses from the sunrise being reflected off a building. He has since left his job and now works for Telus screening phone calls.

During his emotional sentencing hearing on Tuesday, the court heard that Perrin was “so paralyzed” by what happened that he does not recall the exact details. He’s refused other job offers to drive a bus, added Creagh in her decision.

“This incident has also taken a toll on him. He’s experienced depression and anxiety,” said Creagh, noting Perrin is described as a kind and gentle man, and was liked by his passengers. “He’s clearly aware of the pain the family is experiencing.”

In a victim impact statement read to the court on Tuesday, O’Connor’s husband of one year, Chris Thompson, said he cries all the time, feels confused and utterly alone.

He wiped tears from his eyes as he listened to Creagh’s decision, and declined to comment on the sentence.

“The only comment I have is that I loved Ailish with all my heart,” said Thompson outside court. “I hope everyone can find peace also.”

This news article was posted to the online edition of the Edmonton Journal on June 14, 2012. You can read it there by following this link. I am republishing it here in case the Edmonton Journal subsequently removes the content. I believe doing so constitutes fair use as this entire blog is dedicated to commentary on the event described in the article.

Bus driver fined $2,000 in pedestrian death

BY RYAN CORMIER, EDMONTONJOURNAL.COM

A former city bus driver has been given a $2,000 fine and three-month licence suspension for “a momentary lapse of attention” that killed a pedestrian in April 2011.Bruce Perrin, 52, pleaded guilty to failing to yield to a pedestrian, a charge under the Traffic Safety Act, earlier this week. On Thursday, Provincial Court Judge Shelagh Creagh handed Perrin the maximum fine.

At 6:45 a.m. on April 20, 2011, Perrin turned his Edmonton Transit Service bus left from 102A Avenue onto 97th Street and struck Ailish O’Connor in a crosswalk. O’Connor, 28, was on her way to work as the city’s strategic planning director in the office of the chief financial officer. Firefighters had to free her from under the bus and she died hours later at the Royal Alexandra Hospital.

“This momentary lapse of attention caused a death, there is no other way around that,” Creagh said. “Four other people on that bus saw Ailish crossing the street. Why Mr. Perrin did not is inexplicable.”

Before the accident, Perrin was a bus driver of 30 years with a clean driving record. He has since quit his job and turned down subsequent offers to drive a school bus, court heard. In the year since the accident, he has battled depression, insomnia and anxiety, according to a letter from his psychologist submitted to court.

In court on Thursday, Perrin wept throughout the proceedings.

According to an agreed statement of facts, Perrin had taken a prescribed dose of OxyContin that morning as a pain medication, but police did not believe that impaired his driving ability. His supervisor knew of his medication.

Court has heard Perrin remembers nothing of the moments leading up to the collision.

Creagh considered it an aggravating factor that Perrin was a professional driver, trained to navigate Edmonton’s roads safely.

In the front row of court, O’Connor’s husband Christopher Thompson cried quietly. The couple had been married less than a year at the time of the accident.

“Her death has destroyed my world,” Thompson told court Monday. “From early in our relationship, Ailish and I went on dates every Friday evening. Now I just go to bed and hope for sleep. I cry all the time. I cannot focus on my work. I feel confused and utterly alone.”

On his way out of court on Thursday, Thompson said: “I loved Ailish a lot, with all my heart.”

Creagh acknowledged to court that a fine could not compensate family and friends for O’Connor’s death.

“I am not sentencing Mr. Perrin for the death of Ailish, but for failing to yield for a pedestrian,’ she said. “No matter what point of view one looks at this from, this is a tragedy.”

Here is a copy of the Victim Impact Statement that I wrote. I had Julie Snowdon, the Crown Prosecutor, read it out in court today as I was unable to do so.

My name is Christopher Thompson, and I married Ailish O’Connor on July 31, 2010. She died 263 days later.

Ailish was an amazing woman, my best friend and my one true love. She was filled with energy and enthusiasm, and she surrounded herself with love. She tackled life with dedication, drive, and determination. Ailish made this place better and the people she met were enriched for having known her.

Her death has destroyed my world. From early in our relationship, Ailish and I went on dates every Friday evening; now I just go to bed and hope for sleep. I cry all the time. I cannot focus on my work. I feel confused and utterly alone. My world is ashen and grey without her.

I will never again be able to say that everything is right with the universe. I loved Ailish O’Connor, and I miss her with every ounce of my being. Every day was better with Ailish in my life, and every day is worse since she left.

This news article was posted to the online edition of the Edmonton Sun on June 11, 2012. You can read it there by following this link. I am republishing it here in case the Edmonton Sun subsequently removes the content. I believe doing so constitutes fair use as this entire blog is dedicated to commentary on the event described in the article.

Bus driver guilty in ped death

An Edmonton Transit bus driver who fatally struck a woman who was crossing the street in a marked crosswalk owned up to the “devastating” collision in court Monday.

Bruce Charles Perrin, 53, pleaded guilty in Provincial Court to a charge under the Traffic Safety Act of failing to yield to a pedestrian in a crosswalk.

Both the Crown and defence agreed that while the death was a “devastating” tragedy, it was unintentional on the part of Perrin, but that was little comfort to victim Ailish O’Connor’s crying sister and heartbroken husband.

In a victim impact statement read out in court, Chris Thompson said the death “destroyed” his world and he misses O’Connor with “every ounce” of his being.

“Ailish was an amazing woman, my best friend and my one true love,” wrote Thompson. “I cry all the time. I cannot focus on my work. I feel confused and utterly alone.

“My world is ashen and grey without her,” he said. “I will never again be able to say that everything is right with the universe. Every day was better with Ailish in my life and every day is worse since she left.”

According to agreed facts, Perrin was operating an ETS bus in the downtown area about 6:45 a.m. on April 20, 2011. He was going westbound in the left lane on 102A Avenue when he came to a stop at a red light at 97 Street.

O’Connor, 28, was on her way to work and was standing on the southeast corner of the intersection waiting for the light to turn green. When it did and the walk light illuminated, O’Connor began walking west across 97 Street.

At the same time, Perrin accelerated from the stop line to turn left and began going south on 97 Street. As O’Connor was about halfway across the street, the bus struck her.

The victim was removed from the underside of the bus by firefighters and taken to the Royal Alexandra Hospital where she was pronounced dead at 7:21 a.m.

Four passengers on the bus who witnessed the deadly collision said they all observed O’Connor crossing the street before she was hit.

Perrin told police at the scene he had taken his prescribed Oxycontin pain medication earlier that morning. A field sobriety test was performed and officers did not form the belief that his ability to drive was impaired.

Crown prosecutor Julie Snowdon asked for Perrin to be handed the maximum $2,000 fine and a 90-day driving ban, saying the public needs to know that “even a moment of inattention can lead to devastating consequences.”

Defence lawyer Barinder Pannu told court Perrin had been driving a city bus for 30 years without an incident and suggested a $1,500 fine with no driving ban.

Pannu said Perrin was “so paralyzed” by what happened that he does not recall the exact details. He also said the veteran driver claims he got a glaring effect through his eyeglasses from the sunrise being reflected in a building.

Since the collision, Perrin went through a serious depression, had problems sleeping and was unable to work. He was also feeling suicidal and seeing a psychologist.

“He said to me ‘I wish I were dead rather than the person who died’,” said Pannu.

This news article was posted to the online edition of the Edmonton Journal on June 11, 2012. You can read it there by following this link. I am republishing it here in case the Edmonton Journal subsequently removes the content. I believe doing so constitutes fair use as this entire blog is dedicated to commentary on the event described in the article.

Bus driver ‘totally devastated’ over pedestrian’s death, court told

BY BRENT WITTMEIER, EDMONTONJOURNAL.COM JUNE 11, 2012 3:02 PM

EDMONTON – A bus driver who struck and killed a 28-year-old city worker in April 2010 pleaded guilty Monday to failure to yield.

Bruce Perrin, 52, occasionally sobbed as court heard arguments about factors in the accident and sentencing possibilities under the Traffic Safety Act violation.

Barinder Pannu, Perrin’s lawyer, talked about glare coming from buildings, and his client’s otherwise clean driving record, when arguing for a $1,000 fine and waiving of a discriminatory three-month licence suspension.

Crown counsel Julie Snowdon said that “anything less than the maximum prohibition and maximum fine is simply not enough.”

On April 20, 2011, the 15-year bus driver was driving the Route 1 bus just before 6:50 a.m. when he turned left from 102A Avenue into the southbound lane of 97th Street, a marked intersection just south of the Edmonton Law Courts building. He hit Ailish O’Connor, who was on her way to work as the city’s strategic planning director in the office of the chief financial officer.

Fire crews had to free her from under the bus. O’Connor was transferred to the Royal Alexandra Hospital, where she was declared dead.

According to an agreed statement of facts, Perrin had taken a prescribed dose of OxyContin that morning as a pain medication, but police did not believe the medication impaired his driving ability.

Perrin is no longer a bus driver and has battled depression, insomnia, and nightmares. He told Pannu he wishes he had died rather than O’Connor. He turned down offers to drive school buses.

“He is so paralyzed by this experience, he doesn’t remember what happened,” Pannu said. “He is basically totally devastated. He is mentally totally shattered.”