Monthly Archives: May 2014

So this whole time
while I’ve been telling you other stuff
and getting drunk and riding bikes and shitthis Scheherezade chick has NOT STOPPED TELLING STORIES
FOR REAL
Think of how many stories you would tell
if telling stories night after night was your only shot at survival
and then SEXTUPLE that number
because every character in every story Scheherezade tells
shares her pathological fixation on telling fucking stories
for real
it’s stories all the way down
more stories than two Shanghai Towers with a Burj Khalifa up their butt
what i am trying to convey to you with these words
is that this bitch tells her some TALES

But even Scheherezade gets tired of telling stories sometimes
actually especially her, because instead of sleeping she TELLS STORIES
so she asked me to fill in for her this week
and I cannot say no to a beautiful woman.
it is a problem.

SO THERE’S THIS HUNCHBACK
he is so drunk his blood is like 200% alcohol by volume
he is wandering around the street
banging his tambourine
being aggressively useless
because if there is one thing that sucks
it’s hunchbacks
(sorry hunchbacks, I have inherited Scheherezade’s somewhat insensitive attitude towards you
she is a clever lady
but she is not super enlightened
she is from the past)

Anyway this crook-spined bastard is making a racket outside this tailor’s shop
and the tailor is like oh boy
time to fuck with some hunchbacks
HEY BUDDY
WANNA COME OVER FOR FREE FOOD?
and the hunchback is like BLRUGHGHARHGH
I MEAN YES
THOSE PREVIOUS NOISES WERE JUST ME PURGING MY STOMACH
IN PREPARATION FOR RECEIVING YOUR FREE FOOD

so they have dinner
the tailor’s wife makes fish
but instead of observing traditional table etiquette
they stuff all the fish in the hunchback’s mouth
and then hold his mouth shut until he chokes to death
allegedly it was not their intention to make him die
but i’m not sure what else they were expecting to happen
either way he dies
and they’re like shit shit shit shit what do we do?
oh yeah
let’s frame a jewish guy

so they drag the body to this doctor’s office they know
and they tell his servant to go get the doctor because their friend is sick
and then they hide the body at the top of the doctor’s stairs and run away
the doctor comes SPRINTING out of his room
and kicks the carcass down the stairs
and then he’s like OH DANG
I JUST KICKED THAT DUDE DOWN THE STAIRS
THAT IS LIKE THE OPPOSITE OF PROPER DOCTORING
ONLY ONE THING TO DO:
FRAME A MUSLIM DUDE

so he and his wife drag the body onto the roof of the sultan’s secretary
and use a complex system of ropes and pulleys
to dangle their improvised corpse-puppet down inside the dude’s storeroom
which they happen to know has been getting pillaged by rats
and then the secretary comes home
goes into the storeroom
and is like AW HELL NO
I THOUGHT RATS WERE EATING MY FOOD
BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY A DEAD HUNCHBACK
ALLOW ME TO BEAT YOU WITH STICKS
OH SHIT YOU’RE DEAD
WHAT HAVE I DONE
…
TIME TO FRAME A CHRISTIAN DUDE

So he drags the body into the street and leaves it leaning against a wall
just outside this Christian dude’s house
and the next morning, the dude wakes up
hung over as hell
but it’s a Muslim holy day
so he doesn’t want anybody to see him hung over
and sentence him to death for it
(that’s a high-stakes hangover)
but he’s still a little fucked up from the night before
so he runs into the body
and the body falls on him
and he punches it in the face
and it falls over
and at first he’s like SHIT YEAH I’M A KUNG FU MASTER
but then he’s like OH NO THE POLICE
and the police are like OH YEAHHHHH

so they arrest him and take him to be executed
but right as they’re about to lop off his head
the sultan’s secretary runs up like NO NO NO KILL ME
I’M THE ONE WHO BEAT THE HUNCHBACK TO DEATH
and the executioner is like pfft, okay
but right as they’re about to lop off HIS head
the doctor runs up like NO NO NO KILL MEEEEEEEEE
I KICKED THAT DUDE DOWN SOME STAIRS
and the executioner is like sure whatever
as long as I get to kill somebody
BUT RIGHT AS THEY’RE ABOUT TO LOP OFF HIS HEAD
the tailor is suddenly overcome by guilt
and he runs up like GUYS GUYS GUYS
IF ANYBODY IS GOING TO BE KILLED
(and I sincerely hope nobody is going to be killed)
IT SHOULD TOTALLY BE ME
I “ACCIDENTALLY” FORCE-FED THIS GUY FISH UNTIL HE DIED
and the executioner is like well
as luck would have it
the punishment for that is also death

so the tailor is about to get killed
but it turns out the hunchback was the jester of some sultan
an that sultan suddenly gets curious what happened to his jester
and he finds out about this execution fiasco
and he’s like OMG LOL
THIS IS WAY FUNNIER THAN MY JESTER EVER WAS
BRING EVERYBODY TO MY HOUSE
WE GON PARTY
IT’S GONNA BE CRAY

so everyone goes over to the sultan’s house
dragging the body
and they all tell their stories again
plus the tailor tells a really long story about a barber
who happens to be in the neighborhood
so they bring the barber in
and the barber uses eldritch sorcery
(AKA the heimlich maneuver)
to bring the hunchback back to life
even though he’s been dead for a day and a half
because science!

so the moral of the story
is that killing people is okay
as long as it’s hilarious

once upon a time there is this this king called Cymbeline
he is the king of England
his name is stupid
and he has an EXTREMELY COMPLICATED FAMILY
let me break it down for you
his wife is dead
he has a new wife named Evil von Bitchtits
(actually Shakespeare doesn’t give her a name
but this one is pretty on point so don’t worry about it)
and Evil von Bitchtits has a shitty son named Clotten
meanwhile Cymbeline also has a real daughter named Innogen
which i think maybe is just a misspelling of Imogen
which is an actual name
then again that would be the only real name in this play so maybe not
especially considering that Cymbeline also has an ADOPTED son
whose name is POSTHUMUS LEONATUS
because his mom died in childbirth
and that is something that he will never be able to live down b/c it’s in his name
okay I think that about covers all the background
OH NO WAIT

so Evil Queen Lady wants Clotten to marry Innogen
because Innogen is heir to the throne
because Cymbeline’s two sons were stolen twenty years ago
and nobody knows what happened to them
WHICH I AM SURE WILL NOT BECOME RELEVANT LATER ON
but Innogen wants nothing to do with Clotten
because first of all Clotten is terrible
and second of all, Innogen is busy committing adopted incest with Posthumus Leonatus
and they’re gonna get married
but the king is like “AW HELL NO
I mean, Leonatus is nice and all
but he’s not really my son”
and Innogen is like “yeah dad that’s sort of the point
if he was actually your son it would be actual incest”
and the king is like “NAW YOU DON’T GET IT
LEONATUS IS POOR AS SHIT.
YOU AIN’T MARRYIN NO POOR DUDE”
and Innogen is like “Dad,
I’m your daughter which means I’ll be rich as fuck no matter what
and the dude you seem to want me to marry is Clotten
whose sole claim to fame is that he came out of your evil wife
who is only rich because she married YOU
SO I DON’T SEE HOW THAT’S ANY BETTER”
and Cymbeline is like “Well I can’t argue with that
so instead i’m gonna banish Leonatus.”

So Leonatus gets banished
but before he goes, Innogen gives him a diamond ring
and he gives her a golden bracelet
so when they get horny they can look at their jewelry and remember that they’re engaged or w/e
and then Leonatus goes to Rome and is sad

It turns out that rome is a terrible place full of terrible people
one of those people is named Iachimo
and ten minutes after meeting Leonatus, he’s like “YO MAN NICE RING
I BET YOU TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS I CAN FUCK THE GIRL WHO GAVE IT TO YOU”
and Leonatus is like “YOU’RE ON”
so Iachimo goes back to England like “Hey babe I have a letter from your fiancee
he’s in Rome being a drunk asshole
howsabout you ditch the boozer and get with the slimy dissembling bastard?
PS: SLIMY DISSEMBLING BASTARD IS WHAT I CALL MY PENIS”
and Innogen is like “Ew no. Go away.”
and Iachomo is like “HAHA JK THAT WAS A TEST AND YOU PASSED
but hey, can i store some of my junk in your room overnight?”
and Innogen is like “Sure ok.”

so Iachomo hides in a big box
and has his servants bring it into Innogen’s room
and then in the middle of the night, he jumps out and
…writes down a detailed description of everything in her room
what did you think he was going to do, you pervert
he also steals the bracelet Leonatus gave her
and spends a lot of time looking at her boobs
…so he can describe them to Leonatus.

Meanwhile the Evil Queen buys a bunch of rat poison from her doctor
promising to only use it on animals and definitely not people
but the doctor happens to know that she’s a fucking psychopath
so instead of giving her rat poison
he gives her that poison from Romeo and Juliet that makes you sleepy for a while
which she immediately turns around and gives to this dude Pisanio
who was Leonatus’s servant before Leonatus left
and is now Innogen’s servant.
she tells Pisanio that the poison is like Midol or something
and honestly I have no idea what her endgame is
but spoiler alert: It doesn’t work.

So Iachimo gets back to rome like “HAHA I BANGED INNOGEN
HERE’S WHAT HER ROOM LOOKS LIKE
HERE’S WHAT HER BOOBS LOOK LIKE
HERE’S HER BRACELET
HIGH FIVE”
and Leonatus is like “No
no high five
the lowest of fives, in fact
this five i am giving you
it is downright subterranean
because THAT’S WHERE I WANT INNOGEN TO BE”

So he sends a letter back to Pisanio like
Dear Pisanio
Innogen is a slutty slut and I need you to stab her
take her to wales and then stab her
here is a letter from me to her that will lure her to wales
love,
Crazyballs

And Pisanio gets this letter and he’s like “fuuuuuuuuuuuck
Hey Innogen, wanna go to Wales to see Leonatus?”
and Innogen is like “OMG YES I LOVE LEONATUS”
so they go to Wales
and then halfway there Pisanio is like “ok look
I’m actually supposed to be stabbing you right now
dunno why Leonatus wanted me to take you all the way out here but w/e
anyway I’m not gonna do it
I’ll just pull some snow white woodsman shit and let you go
meanwhile I think the best course of action
is for you to dress up as a man
and go to rome to spy on Leonatus
PS: I have this vial of untested mystery Midol
given to me by the totally scrupulous evil queen
why don’t you hold onto this in case of cramps or something”
and Innogen is like “Okay that sounds about as reasonable as the rest of this.”

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE CASTLE
Clotten is like “where the fuck is Innogen
where the fuck is Pisanio
Oh hey Pisanio
where Innogen at?”
and Pisanio is like “Uhh … I got a letter from Leonatus
it says she’s in wales?”
and Clotten is like “SWEET
here’s what I’m gonna do:
I’m gonna dress up like Leonatus
go to Wales
kill Leonatus
and then rely on Innogen’s complete lack of facial recognition
to get her to bang me”
and Pisanio is like “That sounds fucking amazing.”

MEANWHILE, IN WALES
Innogen runs into a group of outlaws
who just happen to be the king’s two long lost sons
PLUS THE DUDE WHO STOLE THEM WHEN HE WAS BANISHED
they think he’s their dad
it’s all super convenient
They’re like “Hey bro, what’s your name?”
and she’s like “Uhh … Fidele
it’s latin for ‘I’m totally a dude, trust me.'”
and they’re like “Yeah okay.”
and they all get along really well
until Innogen gets a visit from her aunt flo and decides to take the Midol
which knocks her out, obviously
and that’s exactly when Clotten decides to show up
and insult the fuck out of the outlaws
so one of them chops his head off with an axe because Clotten is a chump
and then they find Innogen’s apparently-dead body
and they’re like “AW JEEZE
NOW WE GOTTA BURY TWO BODIES”

Luckily they don’t bury them very deep
so when Innogen wakes up she looks over next to her
and there’s a headless body dressed in Leonatus’s clothes
and since there is conveniently no face to recognize
she’s like “OH NO LEONATUS DIED SOMEHOW”
and then the Roman Consul shows up like “Hey kid
you look pretty sad
why don’t you join my army so we can go fight England.”

Because oh yeah I forgot to tell you
England and Rome are at war now
because Evil Queenypants convinced Cymbeline to stop paying tribute
so now it’s stabbing time
and basically everybody in the whole play shows up:
Cymbeline, his two (secret) sons, their (not real) dad, and Leonatus (disguised as a peasant)
versus Iachomo (that lying seducer guy), Innogen (disguised as a dude) and the Roman Consul
so basically it’s a battle composed entirely of the most talented liars in two empires
but it turns out they are much better liars than soldiers
because nobody dies
Cymbeline almost gets captured, but his sons and their dad save him
and England ends up winning and capturing all the romans
who they intend to execute the next day

So Leonatus is in jail, feeling pretty shitty
when Zeus shows up like “Don’t worry dude
things may look bad right now
but soon you will be knee-deep in vagina
trust me, I know about this stuff.”
Then he flies off on an eagle
so that’s weird.

Next day, everybody gets together in the same room
to either be knighted or executed
and Cymbeline is like “Hey great job, mystery knights
can I do you any solids?”
and they’re like “Yeah could you not execute that dude Fidele
he’s sort of our bro”
and the king is like “Yeah sure.
Hey Fidele, can I do you any solids?”
and Fidele is like “Yeah
make Iachimo tell everybody how he got that bracelet and that ring”
so Iachimo spills the beans
which sets off a chain reaction
of TWENTY-SEVEN CONFESSIONS
through which the whole plot of the play basically gets told to us again.
Oh also the evil queen is dead
because she got sick for no reason
and it turns out she was planning to poison the king
which is weird because she gave all her poison to Pisanio
THE NUMBER ONE MOST TRUSTWORTHY DUDE IN THE PLAY

So everybody finally sees through everybody’s lies
the king gets his sons back
and he’s not worried about Innogen inheriting the kingdom anymore
so she can marry whoever the fuck she wants
and she decides to marry Leonatus
even though he tried to have her killed
and Cymbeline agrees to start paying tribute to Rome again
because he’s pardoned basically everybody else already so why the fuck not
then they all have a dance party

so the moral of the story
is that long distance relationships are hard.

Aw shit
Here it comes
HERE COMES THE MOTHERFUCKING SATYRICON
the final part has been completed
the seal has been broken
or uh …
sealed?
I don’t know
I’m not an expert on seals
as far as i’m concerned they’re just those things that evolve into dugongs
anyway look at this with your eyes:

Yes there is one volume left in the Satyricon
but it’s fucking storming outside
and i don’t want lightning to interrupt my video
also I haven’t written one of these for a while
and I’m getting nostalgic for hitting enter a lot
Plus
PLUS
some artisan lightningmaster with an email account got ahold of me
and told me about this dude named Spartacus
and Spartacus is the type of dude who is SO INFINITELY RAD
that as soon as you hear about him
you have to drop everything and start writing a fucking myth

okay so Spartacus
he is so rad that he almost makes slavery worth it
ALMOST
but close only counts in horseshoes
and slavery is still really fucking terrible.
This is an opinion that Spartacus and I share!
which is why one day
after he’s been sold to a guy who just makes his slaves fight to the death
he gets a bunch of other slaves together and he’s like
“Guys
hey guys:
fuck this.”
and they’re all like “yeah ok”
and they steal a bunch of knives and bust out.

also part of the bust-out-of-prison party is Spartacus’s wife
nobody knows her name because history hates women
but we do know that she was hella schizophrenic
to the point where one day Spartacus wakes up with a snake around his head
and he’s like “AHH SHIT SNAKE ON MY HEAD”
and his wife is like “IT’S A SIGN YOU WILL BE CRUSHED BY A LARGER POWER”
which, first of all, duh
second of all
THERE’S A SNAKE ON HIS HEAD, FUCKING DO SOMETHING
but i guess love is a mystery

So spartacus and about 70 other dudes are roaming the countryside
using their shitty weapons to rob caravans and get better weapons
and they finally end up taking refuge on the lush slopes of Mt. Vesuvius
because yup
Spartacus is so metal that his idea of refuge is to camp on an ACTIVE FUCKING VOLCANO

Everyone is pretty impressed with how metal Spartacus is
so dudes (especially slave dudes) start flocking to their suicidally stupid camp
until there is a pretty big army there
and Rome is like “Oh fuck we better stop this”
except the thing about Rome
is that it is fighting wars basically EVERYWHERE at ALL TIMES
and so does not have a lot of resources to devote to fighting spunky slaves on a volcano
so they just send a couple dudes out to recruit any random dudes they can find
to go stand around the bottom of Vesuvius and starve Spartacus out

but dudes like Spartacus do not die of starvation
they mostly die of rocking too hard
or Fatal Red Meat Overdose
or jumping out of a helicopter to punch a pterodactyl and then riding its corpse into a volcano
so he’s not about to let the Romans starve him before he finds a helicopter and a pterodactyl
fuck no
instead he and his men grab a bunch of vines
make them into ropes
rappel down the steepest part of the mountain
and circle around behind the roman militia
effectively tarzanning their way up the romans’ asses.
So that goes pretty well for Spartacus
and everybody in a nine mile radius decides to join his army
basically as an excuse to stand next to him and hope some of his chest hair rubs off on them

Next time, the Romans decide to try a little harder
and actually manage to kill one of Spartacus’s commanders
and trap him in a valley between two pretty big armies
but they didn’t count on the fact that Spartacus is a fucking wizard
who can apparently produce horses out of nowhere
so he just straight tramples the army in front of him
steals all their stuff
and throws it at the other army, killing EVERYONE
and then he’s at the alps, ready to cross into Thrace and escape Rome for good!

But Spartacus is like “Fuck that
mountains are steep, and murder is awesome
let’s go back and murder more dudes until we get murdered instead”
actually nobody knows what he said at this point
because turning around and going back into the country that wants you dead
is a pretty inexplicable move
but i promise you this, at least:
it was not anything smart

so now Rome is really shitting itself
Spartacus has like 40,000 dudes
and he does not seem to be a reasonable man
so they swallow their pride and their morals
and they bust out Marcus Licinius Crassus

Crassus is what historians like to call a “completely shitty person”
He’s a rich nobleman
whose wealth is based on buying houses in neighborhoods that are on fire
as in CURRENTLY ON FIRE
as in he goes up to dudes who are fleeing their burning houses
and is like “Hey i’ll give you twenty bucks for that house”
and then he uses that money to hire armies wherever he goes
(which is sort of why Rome wants him
their armies all being tied up with their million other wars)
but the dudes he hires have no idea wtf they’re getting into
because Crassus is a fan of a disciplinary technique known as decimation
which is basically like a big game of duck duck goose
but with a club

Crassus fucking loves slavery
so he is dead set on making Spartacus dead
he chases Spartacus around for months
until finally Spartacus is just like fuck this
might as well die with my dick out

so he turns to face Crassus
gets off his horse
and fucking kills it
he’s like “If I win, I will get a ton more horses
if I lose, then that’s one less horse for everyone else
because fuck everyone else
let’s do murders.”
(Spartacus may or may not have been history’s greatest orator)

Predictably, Spartacus loses and dies
although nobody knows how exactly
because he was wearing pretty much the same armor as everyone else
and remember, HE KILLED HIS FUCKING HORSE
so probably he was either dumped in a big pit with the rest of his idiots
or else crucified on a big wooden plus sign with the rest of his idiots
either way
on the metal scale
at least a 6/10

so the moral of the story
is that if you’re leading a slave uprising
and you find yourself near an active volcano
don’t give up that prime position
if you go anywhere else
your death can only get less rad

Oh man, I totally needed those days off
I feel way better now
in fact, I feel awesome
yesterday I shaved my nut-hair for the first time ever
which actually was a harrowing experience
and I don’t recommend it to anyone
especially if you have nuts
but whatever, it’s almost summer
the birds are chirping
the flowers are secreting poison for my sinuses
and love is in the fucking air
here is a video about none of that:

As always, thanks for investing some of your precious time in my exuberant, hairless chest

It’s been called to my attention that I skipped a post this week without an explanation.

This is a post to let you know that there will be no explanation.
Suffice to say something very bad happened, and it’s taken me a few days to get over it.
I am over it now, and there will be a new post on Saturday.
Thank you for your patience.