DARRELL NORMAN: The process of living at a higher level

Published: Friday, November 16, 2012 at 6:43 p.m.

Last Modified: Friday, November 16, 2012 at 6:44 p.m.

I am old-fashioned, I guess. I want you to leave me here inside the box, where I do my best thinking, and not try to take me to the next level.

Going forward, first of all, I want to stand my ground with my boots on the ground, where I feel well grounded. Second of all, I will not step up to the plate nor touch base with you every hour. Third of all, do not tell the gossipniks if I sometimes sneak off to my ivory tower. Fourth of all, I will have to get back to you on that.

I will pay for my own free lunch, thank you, as long as the price point is not too high for my financial profile and the food palette and taste profile suit my palate.

I insist on a subtly subdued ambience in which to experience my dining experience. I insist the décor be elegant but understated and the servers and wait staff be knowledgeable, seemly and decorous.

I will mull all these factors in seclusion and subsequently factor them into my review process before I make future plans to encore the gustatory experience I have experienced. I refuse to expedite this thought process just to shorten the time frame.

I have been shopping a manuscript and a few publishers have cast promising glances my way. But before I commit to being anyone’s commit, I shall remain a wily holdout while I intensely observe the work process, the workflow and the work ethic of the enterprise I will be committing to. Then I will make a commitment, and honor it — unless, of course, some 11th-hour bombshell from my rap sheet should force me to decommit.

Should any of my frivolous felonies cast a shadow on my flawless (airbrushed) reputation, I will bite the bullet, grimace for the cameras, rehab, recommit and soldier on. You, as Facebook fans and Twitter followers, should expect no less from me as a role model. After all, I impact your children.

Last week I blindly engaged an awesome, really awesome, makeover landscape artist and his merry band of artisans to convert my dreary backyard into a charming outdoor room that will seamlessly meld with, complement and enhance the warmth profile of my indoor living space.

The crew will quietly dynamite the swimming pool, jackhammer the hardscape and install a tropical-themed water feature complete with blue lagoon. They will scoop up the lawn and replace it with imported, invasive ground cover. They will dig up all the flowers, shrubs and bushes and replace them with exotic and covertly cultured plant material, probably invasive.

I will not be here to oversee the magical transmogrification of my house and yard into mansion and grounds. The courts have summoned me to participate in the justice process. If I am not voted off the jury by the audience or stricken from the roster by lawyers, I will move to the next round, the next level, the jury box.

Then this panel of peers will try the case before us. The defendant will not be one of our equals accused of a crime and presumed innocent until proven guilty, but rather an attempted murderer, an alleged rapist or an accused thief.

Prosecutors will present incriminating evidence and charges of guilt in the prosecution process. Then defense lawyers will rebut the charges and present exculpatory evidence in the defense process.

The judge will give his charge. At that point in time, we, the jury, will withdraw and enter into the secret deliberation process. We, the jury, will be out. If we find the defendant guilty, the judge will sentence him in the sentencing process, after which the convict and his lawyers may begin the appeals process.

I am now engaged in the writing process on the second floor of our house where our bedroom is located. Last night at bedtime, my bride chose to continue watching telly in the den, so I kissed her goodnight and told her I was taking myself to the next level.

She looked puzzled and lifted her eyebrows as if she suspected I had enjoyed too many post-prandials. After I climbed the stairs, I did indeed feel elevated, perhaps even exalted, ready for my close-up process.

Darrell Norman is a columnist for The Gadsden Times. He can be reached at darrell.norman7@gmail.com.

<p>I am old-fashioned, I guess. I want you to leave me here inside the box, where I do my best thinking, and not try to take me to the next level.</p><p>Going forward, first of all, I want to stand my ground with my boots on the ground, where I feel well grounded. Second of all, I will not step up to the plate nor touch base with you every hour. Third of all, do not tell the gossipniks if I sometimes sneak off to my ivory tower. Fourth of all, I will have to get back to you on that.</p><p>I will pay for my own free lunch, thank you, as long as the price point is not too high for my financial profile and the food palette and taste profile suit my palate.</p><p>I insist on a subtly subdued ambience in which to experience my dining experience. I insist the décor be elegant but understated and the servers and wait staff be knowledgeable, seemly and decorous.</p><p>I will mull all these factors in seclusion and subsequently factor them into my review process before I make future plans to encore the gustatory experience I have experienced. I refuse to expedite this thought process just to shorten the time frame.</p><p>I have been shopping a manuscript and a few publishers have cast promising glances my way. But before I commit to being anyone's commit, I shall remain a wily holdout while I intensely observe the work process, the workflow and the work ethic of the enterprise I will be committing to. Then I will make a commitment, and honor it — unless, of course, some 11th-hour bombshell from my rap sheet should force me to decommit.</p><p>Should any of my frivolous felonies cast a shadow on my flawless (airbrushed) reputation, I will bite the bullet, grimace for the cameras, rehab, recommit and soldier on. You, as Facebook fans and Twitter followers, should expect no less from me as a role model. After all, I impact your children.</p><p>Last week I blindly engaged an awesome, really awesome, makeover landscape artist and his merry band of artisans to convert my dreary backyard into a charming outdoor room that will seamlessly meld with, complement and enhance the warmth profile of my indoor living space.</p><p>The crew will quietly dynamite the swimming pool, jackhammer the hardscape and install a tropical-themed water feature complete with blue lagoon. They will scoop up the lawn and replace it with imported, invasive ground cover. They will dig up all the flowers, shrubs and bushes and replace them with exotic and covertly cultured plant material, probably invasive.</p><p>I will not be here to oversee the magical transmogrification of my house and yard into mansion and grounds. The courts have summoned me to participate in the justice process. If I am not voted off the jury by the audience or stricken from the roster by lawyers, I will move to the next round, the next level, the jury box.</p><p>Then this panel of peers will try the case before us. The defendant will not be one of our equals accused of a crime and presumed innocent until proven guilty, but rather an attempted murderer, an alleged rapist or an accused thief.</p><p>Prosecutors will present incriminating evidence and charges of guilt in the prosecution process. Then defense lawyers will rebut the charges and present exculpatory evidence in the defense process.</p><p>The judge will give his charge. At that point in time, we, the jury, will withdraw and enter into the secret deliberation process. We, the jury, will be out. If we find the defendant guilty, the judge will sentence him in the sentencing process, after which the convict and his lawyers may begin the appeals process.</p><p>I am now engaged in the writing process on the second floor of our house where our bedroom is located. Last night at bedtime, my bride chose to continue watching telly in the den, so I kissed her goodnight and told her I was taking myself to the next level.</p><p>She looked puzzled and lifted her eyebrows as if she suspected I had enjoyed too many post-prandials. After I climbed the stairs, I did indeed feel elevated, perhaps even exalted, ready for my close-up process.</p>
<p class="italic font120">Darrell Norman is a columnist for The Gadsden Times. He can be reached at darrell.norman7@gmail.com.</p>