Sunday, June 15, 2014

All The Single Ladies (All The Single Ladies)

Put your hands up!

As a little girl playing house and making "soup" outside beneath Texas Oak Trees, eighteen sounded like the perfect age to get married. Maybe it was because my parents were married young. Or maybe because it seemed so far away at the time. For whatever reason, though, eighteen was the goal.

Oddly enough, I was never in a hurry to have kids. In fact, in my late teens and early twenties I went through a phase where I seriously questioned whether I was cut out to be a mom at all. Probably because I absolutely hated babysitting. But, I digress...

My best friend and I, at age 16, would page through bridal magazines for fun. We'd dog-ear all of the cakes and decorations we liked. I had my dream dress chosen, the page torn ever so carefully out of the magazine and the picture stashed away for safe-keeping.

As I headed off to a Christian college in the cornfields, I had little passion for obtaining a degree. Of course, I was very passionate about serving Jesus, diving headfirst into learning as much as I could about Him while I had the opportunity. But, I had a secret objective that outweighed the importance of my GPA. I had exactly four years to catch a husband in what seemed to be an endless proverbial pool of fish. Surrounded by young men training for ministry, I was optimistic that I would leave college the young wife of a godly Christian man.

Needless to say, it didn't happen.

Now, I should be clear that there truly were lots of godly young men on that campus. I should also be clear that I went on dates with plenty of them. Regardless of anything I may have said at the time, I was just not ready.

So, much to my chagrin, I began my adulthood as a single young woman in North Central California. No longer was there opportunity after opportunity to meet someone. It was hard enough to find girlfriends my age who loved the Lord, let alone mature Christian men. I wish I could say that I was content in Jesus (You know, the way Brio magazine and "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" said I should be. Ha!). But I wasn't. I spent several years looking for my husband out from the corner of my eye. And only the corner, lest anyone should think I was desperate. Had you asked me how I felt about the whole thing, I'd have happily fibbed and said I was fine. Or maybe I would have fed you some line about how I was trusting in God's perfect timing. The truth is, my life was passing me by. I needed a husband, I thought.

I wanted desperately, for many years, to go out onto the foreign mission field, but I subconsciously wanted to wait for my husband. Even though I didn't know him yet, I didn't want to move away and experience that kind of life-altering experience without the man I would spend my life with. And besides, that whole scenario made more sense in my head with a strong, godly hero right beside me.

Praise the Lord I didn't wait around forever!

I would have missed out on so much...

I wouldn't be who I am today, that's for dang sure.

And as for children...well, once I finally decided that maybe I wouldn't be the world's worst mother after all (Thank you, Kenya. You changed my heart forever.), I started thinking about adoption again, like I had when I was in pigtails, carrying around a brown-skinned baby doll. But the thought never, ever, ever occurred to me that I could parent on my own. Actually, my desire to adopt only fueled that ache in my gut to find a man who could help me do it.

(Well, okay, one time I did think about adopting on my own. Several years ago, after moving back to Nebraska, some friends of mine knew of a baby in foster care who needed a home and they *sort of* jokingly prodded me to think about it. My response was immediately defensive. "Are you serious? You want to turn me into a single mother? There's no way! I mean, you understand, right? Really though, you're not serious, are you?" I'm sure the real question on my mind was , "Will anyone ever want me if I take on that kind of responsibility?")

*******************************

Fast forward to today.

It still hasn't happened. I'm single.

I'm also literally weeks away from completing my second assisted prison break adoption. What in the world happened to me?

Update! I should get a court date this week. Hold on, son. I'm coming!

Did I snap? All of a sudden go crazy?

Was I desperate? (You know, the whole eggs drying up thing...except, well, the adoption version.)

Did I lose all hope of finding the love and protection of a godly husband?

No! Really and truly, no to all of the above.

Do you want to know what really happened?

I realized, all at once as I was backpacking in the Colorado mountains with my family, that I didn't need to put my life on hold. God was calling me. He had been gently whispering to me for a long time, but I couldn't hear Him above the nagging voice in my own head warning me not to upset the order of things.

Don't we all subconsciously know how things are supposed to play out in our culture? Especially for good Christian girls. (Or boys. Or whatever that even means.) The goal is that one season will fade into the next, and into the next, and so on, in the following order.

The School/Adventure-taking Season. This is your time to live it up. Want to travel the world? These are your 4 years to do it. Or if you so choose, add on a second major and buy yourself another year of fun and freedom.

The Career/ Marriage Season. These two are interchangeable and may occupy the same space. Or at least until that glorious day when you no longer need to work. (See Phase 3) (Also insert optional continued education, which may also coincide with Phase 3.)

The Childbearing Season. There is an ideal window in which this phase should happen. And that window is obviously when the vast majority of your peers are also procreating.

Now, there's nothing wrong with this picture, if it's how your life played out. It's a good life. It works for a lot of people. But what if it doesn't work out for you. What if any number of things throws you off track and keeps you from working your way through the sequence? What then?

The traditional response, from my observations and experience, is that we end up in a holding pattern. We wait it out with hopes that once we graduate seasons 1, 2, or 3, our life will begin. We'll be happy. We'll be able to do the things we know with all our hearts God is calling us to do. But this line of thinking can only tide a person over for so long before sadness, anger or bitterness take root. There has to be more to life than this.

And that's, I think, what I'm learning as I follow the Lord as a single woman. I can serve the Lord as I am. I can answer Him when He calls. I can follow Him to the ends of the earth. Right now. No waiting required.

That's at least what I'm trying to do.

Do I sometimes still feel others eyes on me? Does it get old being the weirdo going against the grain? I dunno. Maybe, sometimes. I've had my share of comments. "You know this means you'll never get married, right?" "Are you sure these kids are going to be better off? They won't have a father!" (Don't get me started on that one...) But for the most part it just feels awesome. I feel free. And empowered. And like I'm right smack in the center of God's will.

Could God still set a godly husband and father in our little family? Absolutely, He could. He very well may, and I will rejoice on that day.

But I can rejoice in this day as well. This is the day the Lord has made for me. Today He is calling me to serve Him as a missionary, as a mom, as a friend, and in a thousand other small but significant ways. My life has purpose, with or without a man.

And not only does it have purpose, but I actually love my life. You should know that I didn't give up all of my dreams to serve the Lord in misery and solitude. No, quite the opposite is true. God is growing and changing me constantly, and in doing so, He's giving me new dreams and desires for my life. And He's teaching me that He is enough.

Can I tell you something, friends? Your life has purpose, too. No matter where you're at on the map. No matter which seasons of life you've been able to check off the list, or which seasons you'll ever see in your lifetime. He's calling you.

Is it the desire of your heart to be married and you're not? Despite your best efforts and fervent prayers, do you remain alone? He's calling you.

Have you always dreamt of being a mom to a houseful of little ones? Is your heart broken because, like a barren woman, your arms remain empty? He's calling you.

Are you biding your time in a job you don't love, and going home to house that's quiet or lonely? He's calling you.

He may not be calling you to adopt. Or maybe He is. But without a doubt He is calling you. Are you listening? Are you able to hear Him above the noise of our culture's expectations or even above your own longings? He's calling you higher. Maybe even to embrace a new dream for the season you're in right now. And He's calling you to freedom from waiting. Because you know what? Any husband worth having is going to love your new dreams. He's going to be proud of the way you're following the Lord. He will admire your bravery and your heart. He's going to see the real you, right off the bat. Shining, and flourishing, and loving life. Not desperate. Not miserable. Not waiting around. But living.

That's how I want to be found. Not just by a man, but by (capital "H") Him.

By God's grace, may we forge ahead in the freedom that is ours in Christ.

14 comments:

What a thoughtful, wise piece. You have really inspired me today to think about how I may be setting aside joy for later, "after." Thank you for sharing it, and I pray all goes well with your travel and the transition to a family of three!

Beautiful words, Grace! I had the "dream" of a husband and kids...and it was shattered by divorce. But I am so very, very thankful to know that He has a plan for me! God's blessings to you on your journey!

Thank you for your words. They really moved me. It is so easy to fall into a slump and compare where I am to where I think I am "supposed to be." But, like you've said, there is a reason for everything and I need to follow my heart. I truly look up to you. I know you'll be busy with your new son (so exciting!!) but I hope to see more posts from you in the coming months.

I am a 59 year old "single lady." I was so touched by your blog. I waited after college, but then met a little boy...I adopted my son when I was 32 yo. Then I waited some more. I was raising him, but waiting the whole time. A 13 year old boy in B is tugging at my heart. Maybe I need to stop waiting again.

Beautifully written, dear friend. Those were challenging college years at times, weren't they? :-) I pray that God continues to grant your dreams, as you daily strive to follow His leading. Love to you - and your growing family!

Thank you so much for sharing, Grace. Your vulnerability and faithfulness are inspiring. God at work in you, specifically in the building of your family, is so beautiful. A friend from my childhood is a single woman who has never adopted but has many, many children in the missionary kids she loves and to whom she ministers. She has written about singleness on her blog too. I thought you might enjoy this post: http://michelephoenix.com/2012/03/singleness-a-hair-on-the-soup/

As a single christian woman, your words touch the core of my being. I am without a doubt being called to adopt. I fail to see the how of it all yet, but God is calling and I will answer no matter the "order". Thank you for your words!! And I am praying as you bring your newest addition home!

From a fellow against the grain weirdo! I am blessed by you sharing you and your life! Very excited about your little guy coming home! Thank you once again for an awesome dose of spiritual motivation, If you ever get up to the Pacific NW and want to enjoy Bend, please contact me! I go to Trinity Lutheran Church here and there are your name has come up every now and then in chats with friends. May Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ richly bless you and your family with His loving grace and peace!Your Sis in Christ, Ronda

Great piece, Grace! Thank you for sharing. I am also a single parent moved by God to adopt my first daughter at 46 years old, my second daughter at 49, my third daughter at 59, and my fourth daughter at 61! All are international adoptions, one daughter has autism, and two have Down Syndrome. All are as precious as can be. So what you say is very true for me too. God will use all willing hearts, single or not. Please update us on Sam soon :0)