Obama and first lady: ménage à trois with French president was ‘an official letdown’

WASHINGTON — Despite the overall success of French president François Hollande’s state visit this week, President Obama and his wife Michelle say they were disappointed by the ménage à trois that followed Tuesday’s lavish banquet.

Speculation was rife that the union would not even occur, particularly because the first couple had originally expected Valerie Trierweiler, Hollande’s partner of nearly 10 years, to be in attendance. However, the two recently split up after Hollande’s supposed infidelity came to light.

The breakup was so sudden that embossed state dinner invitations, inscribed with Trierweiler’s name, had to be reprinted, and Victoria’s Secret “1600 Pennsylvania Ave” lingerie that had been specially made for her was instead given to New York Times editor Jill Abramson, who many observers say is next in line to sleep with the first couple.

While Obama and the first lady had hoped Hollande would bring the libertine mystique for which the French are famous, what actually occurred in the bedroom was less like the Marquis de Sade’s “120 Days of Sodom” and more like “The 40-Year-Old Virgin.”

“For a socialist, he was a surprisingly conservative lover, traditional and awkward, which I found rather unappealing,” said the first lady, according to one source.

“Let’s just say it was an experiment, and as an experiment, it left much to be desired,” Obama reportedly said. “With a sexual arrangement involving three bodies, not everyone’s going to get what they want.”

Obama said that although he was impressed by the Frenchman’s stamina, he was disappointed by Hollande’s orthodox technique.

”I’d hoped that [Hollande] would at least have some mystifying trick up his sleeve, something that only a sex-addicted French party boss would know, something he could teach me, but no,” Obama said, according to one insider.

The French newspaper Le Monde has reported that Hollande described the experience as “unique and amusing,” adding he was confident to have been the best lover either the U.S. president or the first lady had ever had, or ever would have.

International relations experts say the tryst has resulted in the warmest relationship between the two nations since the early 1990s, during the heydey of Bill Clinton’s presidency when French president François Mitterrand and Clinton would spend entire weekends cooped up in the White House with Mitterrand’s naughty Parisian mistresses, drinking cognac, playing snooker and engaging in bizarre sex games.