I have heard the following “truism” about grief from several dads that I have met throughout this project. Many time well intended comments/actions inflict pain on those that are grieving. Your world is turned upside down and things that never use to impact us do while we are grieving. My friend and fellow grieving dad sent me this one. Have you ever experienced this “truism”?

6. People will also make offers that don’t materialize. The intention may be genuine, but the reality is that what they have said they would do just doesn’t happen. For example, at my daughters wake, two different men I had known for years said they would call me the following spring or summer to get me out golfing. I have golfed with both of them on different occasions a number of times before. Neither one has ever called. People feel as if they need to do or say something to show their concern. “Let’s get together. I’ll give you a call.” Yet the encounter will not materialize and the phone will remain silent. The difference for someone who is grieving is that such promises often get taken literally. I have learned to not take such promises personally, nor to judge those who make them. Many people have not learned how to turn sympathy into empathy. Being well-intentioned is not necessarily the best medicine.

2 Responses to “Offers That Don’t Materialize” – Truisms About Grief

First off, I am so very sorry for the loss of your son Christian. As you know, there are no words I can say that can erase the pain you feel inside.

Thank you for stopping by the site. “5 years” down the road of our grief journey is an issue most people that have not lost a child don’t understand. Many people think “we” should be able to get back to normal. I recently heard from a dad that said his boss told him in his performance review that he “seemed distracted”. He explained that he was still working through the loss of his daughter that happened 8 months ago. Boss’s response “I would think that 8 months should be enough time to grieve”. Clueless. These kind comments and ignorance gives me the drive to continue bringing awareness to this issue.

As far as involvement, the best thing you can do is continue visiting this site and offer your support/insight to other dads. Sharing our expereinces helps other not feel so alone on this journey.

I will be in contact with you soon. Not sure if you have been to my http://www.grievingdads.com site, but there is a survey there that you can fill out and share your story.

What a great thing you are doing here. There are not nearly enough outlets for those of us fathers who grieve. I too have been working on a book project. (although not nearly as far as yours) I lost my 1 year old son in 2005, and have realized that while initial support is great, what happens “5 miles” down that long road to recovery. So often as you know, once the food stops showing up at your doorstep, and the family and friends have returned to their “normal” live, we are left with so much aftermath for years to come. I would love to help/contribute if there is any level of interest what so ever. Please contact me at your convenience if you would like to discuss…