Monday, August 20, 2007

Lucky number eleven?

1. So I've reconfirmed tonight that a. I would rather carry the weight of the world and my heart and my emotion and the burden of all work everywhere and everything everywhere than ever push anything on anyone else. Really. Seriously. I said it a lot more eloquently the first time tonight, but I'm emotionally spent at this point, so you get what you get b. I'm stubborn as hell, and would benefit greatly from letting it all go. On both counts really.

2. While I'm at it, I am sensitive as hell, and emotional as hell. Every little thing sets me off. Every little thing triggers an overwhelming rush of emotion. I've cried more in the last month than I have in the last year, and that's saying a lot considering.

3. I never knew I was a jealous person before, and I find myself feeling pangs of jealousy about things I know I really shouldn't feel them about. It's downright dumb, and I am working hard at getting past it.

4. Speaking of jealousy, or not really, I find that I have issues with trust too. I dont distrust the people close to me, but defensive reactions from them about their privacy trigger overwhelming waves of emotion on my part. Again, this is completely expected, and completely logical, I know, but it really pisses me off. I DON'T WANT TO REACT THIS WAY!!!!!! I trust you. I don't care what you are doing. Even so, if you get defensive about it I'm going to flip out, and I'm not going to be able to control that, and there will be tears in large quantities. I'm sorry. I know it's stupid, and it's annoying as hell, but that's just the way it is and there's nothing I can do about it.

5. Work is

6. Teenage boys eat a lot. Really. A lot. They make lots of messes too. Really. A lot. Holy Jesus, a friggin lot.

7. I have a new friend. He's adopted us. When I think of acquiring a pet, I naturally see myself choosing one of my choosing. Making a choice. You know? God had other plans apparently. There is an adorable, sweet, well behaved, well trained, clean, non-smelly, friendly dog living under the front porch of my new house. He seems to have decided this is home, and he won't leave. He's always there. He guards the house, barks at strangers and squirrels, plays with the kids... The neighbors thought he was ours, and aren't aware of him living anywhere else. My guess is that the previous tenants had him and just hadn't told the landlord about him, because this is definitely his home. We've had a found ad on craigslist for a while now, and have been watching the local newspaper for days. I guess the next step is to take him to a local vet to see if he has an ID chip implanted. If we can't find his real family that way, I guess he stays. I wasn't exactly in the market for a dog, and really had no desire for one, but I think I've become attached, and I kind of hope at this point that he sticks around. Silly, I know, but I am silly, so.. yeah. He's such a sweet little guy! (no, this is not the dog I complained about a couple weeks ago)

8. My prescription for the evil medication from hell ran out months ago, and I put off going to the doctor to get a new one, because... well... because I;m an excellent procrastinator I guess. Time's up. I'm in pain. I called my doctors office last week to find that I'm *too* good a procrastinator. My doctor has retired, and everyone else in her practice has left to join another practice that's a long ways from my new home - in the wrong direction. Tomorrow I have my first visit with a brand spankin doctor in a brand spankin new office, sans medical records as I'm not really sure of how to obtain them from a small town family practice that's no longer existent. I'm sure this means unpleasant tests and jumping throughhoops to reconfirm my diagnosis from scratch. That shall be fun indeed, right?

9. I'm tired. In every way. I'm taking a trip to the beach this weekend. I need to take some time to just breathe.

10. I need to pour my heart into something. I pour my heart out here from time to time, but that's just not enough. Words are not enough. Really, in some ways they only make things worse, because they force me to face my heart head on, and that's not always easy. That's good, but I need something more. I need an outlet to grow, to create, to move forward with something positive, something that is just me, on my own, my heart and soul. I am moving forward in so many ways, and have made drastic changes in almost every aspect of my life, but it's not enough. I need to find an outlet. That's not to say I don't want to put more into my blog too; I do. I want to fill these pages day after day with my soul, let it spill all over the floor. I need some other expression though.

11. I opened the lime sherbet the other night to find this:No, that doesn't say "I uke you." Sweetest gesture I've seen in a long time...

4 comments:

Is the dog a brittany spaniel? Dogs are great, especially when you're having a shitty day and feel like nobody cares. They are so easily pleased and love so unconditionally. Also, I wish I found messages like that in my sherbet. Usually I just open it to find that someone has pretty much emptied the entire container, only they left a spoonful so they didn't have to take the time to throw it out.

I think he is a brittany spaniel. Thought he was a springer at first, but someone responded to the craigslist ad saying he was a brittany but not theirs. Either way, he's a pretty great dog. Just shows you what I don't know, cause I've never been much of a dog person ('cept for my childhood dachshund, Sprocket... I miss you stinky!) Guess I have to change that now... The sherbet thing definitely was incredibly sweet... now if only someone besides me would wash some dishes in this friggin house... (I do feel your pain!)

When despair for the world grows in meand I wake in the night at the least soundin fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,I go and lie down where the wood drakerests in his beauty on the water,and the great heron feeds.I come into the peace of wild thingswho do not tax their lives with forethought of grief.I come into the presence of still waterAnd I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light.For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.