Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Radical! Consultancy is the New Counterculture

Rain. It's wet, it's cold, and increasingly, it's filled with flesh-burning acids. For centuries, cyclists have had only two choices when it rains: get wet, or take the bus. But not anymore! Because now, there's Überhood (forwarded by a reader):

No, "Überhood" isn't the new name for Williamsburg, Brookyn, nor is it a Klan-inspired "hoodie" for the fixie set. Überhood is actually the innovative new cockpit-mounted umbrella system with which I can find no design flaws whatsoever, and which not only protects you from driving rain, but also from the hated sun, which has the power turn your forearms to bacon and give you melanoma armwarmers in short order.

So how much would you pay for a bike-specific umbrella that will either poke out your eye during mounting or dismounting, turn inside out with the first gust of wind, or else just blow away entirely? No dollars? Negative six dollars? Go fuck yourself? Well, if you act now, you can have the Überbrella Eye Removal System for only $79!

Plus, for a limited time, we'll also throw in this Certificate of Idiocy!

That should look great on your wall, especially because it features a simple design you can still appreciate without any depth perception because you're now forced to wear an eyepatch.

In case you don't know, a "bicycle messenger" is an artisanal delivery person who transports items and correspondence by bicycle. If it helps, think of him or her as sort of a "human email." Needless to say, there's no actual demand for bicycle delivery anymore (excluding food and marijuana of course), so any messenger companies that still exist serve only to "consult" for television shows and Hollywood films, or to else to model boutique cycling apparel. What this means is that, if you actually see an actual messenger delivering an actual package, he or she is probably just showing an actor how it was done in the 1980s, or else delivering marijuana. Or, it's also possible he's being filmed or photographed by someone on a scooter, so that the results can be uploaded onto the Internet as a form of "bicycle culture." (Which is simply a euphemism for any cycling-themed "viral advertising.")

And clearly they've hired a top-tier Fred consultant, because there's going to be some perfect Primal Wear product placement:

I can't wait to see it, since it promises to do for road cycling what "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" did for bicycle commuting:

I'm sure dorks crashing bikes never fails to score through the roof at Hollywood test screenings. "Ha ha, the guy on the bike fell down. Fail! Streets are for cars, silly."

Of course, if you're tired of Hollywood hegemony, consumer culture, corporate corpulence, and other forms of alliteration, you can always endeavor to unlatch yourself from the societal teet and live "off the grid." As it happens, I was perusing the Kickstarter recently looking for worthwhile projects not to fund when I came across a documentarian who wants to do just that:

Though the funding period has expired, it would appear he wanted $10,000 to document how to live for free:

Starting this summer I will leave from Washington, DC to zig-zag, largely unplanned, across the southern US. I hope to become largely integrated into these subcultures, as they exist separately and with much overlap, in different communities across the US and truly come to understand the meanings of both radical self-reliance (existing without any external means of support) and, on the other side of the spectrum, communal living.

To me, this is as American as it gets: making a movie about living outside of society and needing a bunch of money from strangers in order to explore the idea of radical self-reliance. The project is simply antithetical to its subject--it's like building an animatronic Lancaster County because you're interested in the Amish, or like constructing a synagogue out of pork by-products. Still, the fact is that not only is self-reliance expensive, but it also requires lots and lots of people:

Already producers, cameramen, editors and composers have expressed interest in-and begun to sign onto- the project, and now I need your help in keeping it moving. The approximate budget break down is $3,500 for video and audio equipment, $2,000 for gas so the crew can follow me, $3,000 for food expenses and $1,500 for shelter and other miscellaneous expenses of the crew. None of this money will be going to me (the subject) to assist with my survival, nor for anyone's profit.

This being 2011 you can pretty do the work of a film crew with a single smartphone now, but I suppose that's not technically being "off the grid" since you need a service plan. Maybe someone from the counterculture can start an underground telecom company and introduce a "Radical Self-Reliance" plan. I'm imagining three or four people with impressive beards riding bicycle generators with satellite dishes strapped to their heads.

Wasnt that steve roberts guy from the 90's doin the free thing on his bent with a built in handlebar keyboard and the like then he got sponsered...and then came the bus...but what if he had kickstarter???my pissta is rokin the G4 large.....

Snobby, you miss the point of the Überbrella. It's made for fixie ridin' trackstanders. As long as your speed stays under 6 mph, this great product will work just fine. A product like this reaffirms my belief that anything that you think up, can be sold.

I once tried to buy one of the Basil paraplus by rummaging through the Dutch equivalent of Nashbar's site but I couldn't decipher the language and eventually gave up. Pity, too, because angle that thing forward and it would be fucking awesome in a tailwind.

For the record I have never been able to make it through more than about 18 seconds of one of those "I ride a fixie blah blah blah..." videos. Nothing says "I'm so fucking hardcore, like, I mean HARDCORE!" than a stupid little video posted on the Intergoogle.

@GhostOfTyrone - my apologies. I have never seen Rent, so I had no idea it would cause suffering. Perhaps you could whistle a Pink Floyd tune to take your mind off it.They had one about a bike back in the days when they were still interesting - 1967 I think it was.

Ha! If you get an $80 Uberhood PLUS a set of $120 "backup Barz," your ownership certificate will be endorsed by a Nigerian banker [who needs some help with a financial transaction]. Also, your next 3 "contacts" at Match-dot-com will be free. Limited time offer.

Yes me little drooogies. It is so. All the snakes used in the film 'Snakes on the Plane' were in fact holograms derived from the major meatstick that hangs from the sculpted ManGod known to planet earth as 'The Cipo'.

i'm sure mr blumenthals parents will be happy that he is now trying to leech off of other people, they are probably pretty tired of supporting his lazy ass after 30 years. how about this Ted, go get a fucking job. or maybe you can join the freeloading Occupy losers. i need some wednesday weed, like right fucking now.

I must thank you snob. Many moons ago I came to a fork in the proverbial road of life. One road lead to a cul-de-sac of fixed gears under the vacuous lifestyle of hipster culture. Breaks and traffic lights were seen as oppressive, and everyone in a car was a paper pushing work droid. Lucas Brunelle videos and chrome messenger bags further enticed me into a grim life of hipsterism. But then I came across your blog and I saw the light! And it was knog. Also, I saw quicksliver.

Someone needs to point Fergus in the direction of Ev Bogue - he's seriously carrying that much shit in his bag all the time? Plus all the stuff he is too stoned to remember to put in the mail? And he expects to get paid to deliver stuff? I wouldn't even trust him to put a pizza in the oven and turn it on to the right temperature, let alone take it out before it is burned to a crisp....

I agree with the pedestrian safety idea, but I do have one correction, as I have witnessed several cyclist incidents at the entrances/exits to bridges. It's not mostly messengers causing havoc (bc even newbie ones to the city eventually, hopefully, learn how to ride their fixies after a few months of 10 hr days). It's the FAKENGERS. Not that I expect Joe public or city worker to know the difference.

But yes, once again, while i would normally encourage the proliferation of cycling in our country, the fixie trend is not dead and continues to produce the kind of obnoxious, entitled, self-absorbed and clueless riders that make the vast majority or cyclist look like jackass idiots.

Thank you fixie hipsters! I know you resent the terms, but you don't deserve a more creative description.

i thought i was on fox news blog but then it came aparent that you guys are not fox news. seems like you are all on drugs. only queers ride the bike and men drive with big motors. you should go to school so you can get yourself a car and not be a hobo. sometimes you have to work hard and save and i no that you young guys have no work ethac but you still can make a good choice.

according to google patents, one of those was already tried. (and it at least folded so as not to poke your eye out) http://www.google.com/patents?id=1SxpAAAAEBAJ&zoom=4&dq=bicycle%20umbrella&pg=PA1#v=onepage&q=bicycle%20umbrella&f=false

You think bacon forarms are bad? It only takes one long ride on a recumbent on a sunny day to develop the dreaded melanoma shins. Damn, I couldn't wear pants for a week. Although that wasn't all bad. I always remember my sunscreen now.

As for rain I just do like you do and get under something till it quits.

"anti-pollution masks are rapidly becoming the new "helment:"Totally, I don't wear a helmet but I will put on my totobobo when cycling in smog rich Manila streets traffic. You won't believe what's left on the filters - 100% pure soot.

I live roughly equidistant from Portland and Bend. And dangerously close to Hood River, where you are not allowed to park downtown unless you have a $30,000 softail on a Thule carrier attached to a white Subaru station wagon. The hipster suction from those communities creates a balancing force that keeps my community completely hipster-free. The close proximity of Bend, Portland, and Hood River creates a douchery vortex which may have caused you to not notice that Bend has the world’s largest fixie: http://cyclepub.com/

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!