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He Destroys My Self-Esteem

Video Description:

Conversations with Byron Katie Webcast—30 September 2015
Byron Katie guides Tina from Italy as she does The Work on one complete Worksheet. Tina is struggling with the belief that her boyfriend destroys her self-esteem when it comes to money.
Tina questions beliefs such as:
I want Reto to work on himself.
He should look inside himself to see why he needs to underestimate me in order to feel stronger and better.
He needs to be happy about my idea.
I want him to support me and be more enthusiastic about my projects.
I need him to be happy about my ideas.
I need him to think that I can produce money.
After questioning all the concepts on the Worksheet, Tina comes to realize the many ways that she was undermining her own self-esteem and her relationship with Reto by believing her thoughts.
“The Work is a practice,” Katie says. “You identify what you were believing in a situation that caused you stress, then you question those thoughts, using the four questions and the turnarounds. This is how you can set yourself free.”

Transcript:

Byron Katie: Hi. Welcome, family
of the world.
Welcome to Conversations webcast.
And so far it’s really good for me
to sit here and be here right now.
Just right here, right now.
And so, we have first caller,
Tina, from Italy.
Tina. Hi, Tina.
Honey, thank you for your;
thank you for the
Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet
That you sent in.
So, would you begin; would you
read it out loud.
Read the first statement
so that we can all get
into that Worksheet with you
and see how we related to it
and see if it’s familiar to us at all.
Tina: OK. In this situation, time
and location, who angers,
confuses, or disappoints you
and why?
I am angry with Rito, my boyfriend,
because “he destroys my self-esteem
about making money.”
OK. So, when you were believing that,
what was the situation?
Were you in the kitchen?
Were you driving in a car?
Were you walking?
Where were the two of you?
Or where were you when you had
that thought?
I was in the terrace of the house,
outside, and he was working
on his computer.
OK. So, you were standing out
on the terrace, or sitting?
I was sitting.
OK. So, you were sitting out
on the terrace and he was sitting
indoors on his computer.
Yes.
OK. And could you see him
from the terrace?
No.
OK. So, you’re just out there
on the terrace and you’re having
this thought: “He destroys your
self-esteem about making money.”
OK. So, “he destroys your self-esteem
about making money.”
Is it true?
Yes.
OK.
“Rito destroys your self-esteem
about making money.”
Can you absolutely know that it’s true,
that he is the one destroying your
self-esteem about making money?
No. Not 100 percent.
So, standing there on the terrace,
OK, notice, when you have that thought,
what happens?
What happens internally
and emotionally when you think
the thought: “He destroys my
self-esteem about making money.”
What happens?
I feel very; I feel bad. Very bad.
Yes. Yes. Now, begin to describe
the images in your head that happen
when you think that thought.
They’re images of past and future.
The image of this one is me
telling him a project and he always
repeating that; does that bring money?
Yes.
I mean, yeah, really nice, and whatever,
but does that bring money?
So, you witness that story, that image,
that movie, in your head, and then
you feel those emotions.
Yes.
So, you see that you in your head
and you see that him in your head
as you stand on the terrace?
Yes.
Now, is that you? Is that him?
Or is that imagination?
It’s imagination.
Yeah. So, that’s not you.
You see that image of you?
It’s even pretty fuzzy.
Yes.
It’s not you.
That’s not you.
That’s not him.
OK.
Good. Good.
So, as you witness that movie,
it’s like sitting in the theater
when there is something you’re
really caught up in and you
feel all those emotions and
sometimes you want to run
out of the movie, even.
You want to run out of the theater.
And that’s why people want
to run out of life.
They believe those images are real.
But it’s not. They show image
of a time that isn’t.
A time that is not.
As you stand on the terrace,
notice, who would be
without the thought,
“Rito destroys my self-esteem
about making money.”
I would be at peace.
And probably I would feel love.
So, let’s, rather than leave you
with a probably,
don’t miss the opportunity
to give you all of it.
So, just stop. Close your eyes.
Now, look. You’re on the terrace.
Now, look around.
Without your story, what do you see?
Are there trees? Is there a sky?
What do you see?
It’s the sky and trees.
There’s a garden. And my feet.
Yes. So, isn’t that what was really
going on as you were busy
looking at a movie?
Yes. That was exactly
what was happening.
Yeah.
So, “Rito destroys your
self-esteem about making money.”
Turn it around: I. . .
I destroy my self-esteem
about not going to make money?
Yes. As you stand on the terrace.
That’s what you’re doing.
Yes.
And you’re blaming him for it.
You’re blaming an image for it.
Yes.
So who, as you stand on the terrace,
is destroying your self-esteem
about making money?
Is it him, or you?
It’s me.
100 percent.
That’s what meant by
life is an illusion.
Life is a dream.
And you know why I love life?
It would leave someone
as beautiful as you
staring, standing on the terrace.
And whether you’re happy
or unhappy, that’s up to you.
But I can feel good knowing
that your life is beautiful
as you stand on the terrace.
And I love that as you look
at the whole world, always
you can see that other than what
they’re thinking and believing,
that they’re OK.
But the first step is to see
and to understand that
what you’re thinking and believing,
other than that, you’re OK.
Now, let’s look at; let’s look at
the moment when you were
with Rito and in that situation
“he’s destroying your self-esteem
about making money.”
Is it true?
Where did the argument take place?
We were in the living room here.
And I; it happened exactly
in that moment, the same image
repeats herself.
It’s: I bring this project or this idea
and he diminished them by
letting me see that I’m always
having ideas, but not producing.
OK.
So, he is saying all those things
and “he is destroying your self-esteem
about making money.”
As you witness that situation,
is it true that “he is the one
destroying your self-esteem
about making money?”
No. I am doing it.
Because he gives me; he can have
an opinion or an idea of. . .
It doesn’t depend on him, right?
So, it’s my thing.
Yeah.
Yeah. He’s simply saying you have
a lot of ideas;
does this one produce money?
Yes.
So, what is your answer?
Maybe not at the first moment,
or at the first sight it doesn’t
produce money, but doing it
will eventually produce money.
So, there’s your answer.
And he doesn’t have to believe you.
It’s just that there’s your answer.
it’s called just a conversation.
Yes.
Yeah.
So, what you were thinking
and believing: “He destroys
my self-esteem about making money.”
When you believe that, it kept you
from realizing that what was going on
in your head was the cause
of your suffering,
not his response. Not his question.
Exactly.
Yeah. OK, sweetheart.
It’s just nice to travel a little
and look around and you can
take that all the way through from
that position in the kitchen as well.
But let’s move on; let’s move back
to the terrace, since time is
nothing more than one’s story,
believed, connected to another.
Let’s go to statement 2
on your Worksheet.
OK. In this situation, how do you
want this to change?
What do you want him to do?
I want Rito to work on himself
and realize I was never a woman
to keep closed in the house.
I want that he supports me
and that he is enthusiast
about my projects.
So, “you were never a woman
to keep closed in the house.”
Is that true?
Yes.
“You were never a woman
to keep closed in the house.”
Can you absolutely know
that it’s true?
That “you were never a woman
to be kept closed in the house”?
Yes.
And how do you react when you
believe that thought?
I get very depressed
and apathy
and I feel like I don’t feel
any taste to do anything.
Yes. A kind of depression.
A hopelessness.
Yes.
As you stand on the terrace.
Yes.
When I’m outside of the house.
It takes mind fullness
to a whole new description.
It’s like: What is it full of?
And if I am having stress,
then I am full of what’s not
true in the moment.
Images of past and future and stories
that are not true here, now.
Nothing to do with being present
to loving what is now.
Clearly, this state of grace,
of standing on the terrace
on a beautiful day.
So, “you were never a woman
to be closed in a house.”
Who would you be, standing on
the terrace, without the thought?
I’d be just enjoying the terrace.
Noticing that you were not closed
in the house.
Exactly. Because I am outside
on the terrace.
And are you free?
Yes.
There’s nothing to stop you
from your project.
Yes.
And if it requires any support
from Rito, and he says no,
there are other people you can ask.
And there are ways of
living your dream
and that’s what it is.
You know, in my world I don’t
want what I don’t have.
I want what I have.
I don’t want to miss the terrace.
And that man in there on the computer
that I see as an enemy when I’m
lost in dreams.
And the dreams are so vivid
that I’m free to walk,
to be on the terrace,
to walk out of the house,
I’m free to live my dreams.
But my dream holds me back.
The dream of: “I was never a woman
to be kept closed.
He doesn’t support me.
He’s not enthusiastic
about my project.”
I see.
Yeah. So, “I was never a woman
to be kept closed in the house.”
Turned around: I am. . .
I am a woman to keep closed
in the house.
This one.
This one.
This is the only prison.
It’s the only way we can ever be locked up.
All those people in prisons in the world
that I have had the privilege
of working with,
they get free behind those bars.
Some of them lifers.
They get free. This is the prison.
Just like you experienced on the terrace.
Just lost in the dream.
Free as this beautiful, beautiful
free woman.
With this man that is in there
working on his computer.
Yes.
So, “I was never a woman
to be kept closed in a house.”
Can you see another example:
I am a woman
to be kept closed in a house.
No. I have a child.
When he was born I was like
for one year and a half
closed in the house, happy.
Very happy. Yeah.
I had to take care of him,
so it was easier to be inside.
I was very happy to be a woman
closed in a house.
Thank God I have a house.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And when you’re out and
you’re tired and you’re hungry
and it’s time to come home, go to bed,
or for lunch, whatever it is.
You’re a woman
to be kept closed in a house.
You’re tired of the outside world.
You want to come home
and see Rito and your child
and your bed and your food.
And relax.
Yeah, relax.
And to be kept closed in the house,
where the door’s locked
and no one can come in.
No one can enter.
Yeah.
That’s true.
So, I’m a woman happy
to be closed in a house sometimes.
Yes.
But I know, because inquiry
has shown me,
that I’m always free to leave.
Other than what I’m thinking
and believing, I’m free and there’s
nothing to stop me. Nothing.
No man. No money. No friends.
No dog, cat, or tree.
I’m free.
Nothing to stop me.
No obstacles.
Yeah.
So, “you want Rito to support you
and be enthusiastic about your project.”
Is it true?
Yes.
And notice, in that conversation
with Rito, how you react when you
believe the thought that
“you want him to be supportive
and enthusiastic about your project.”
I get expectations.
So, whatever he does is so less
than my expectation, I don’t know.
Once he asked me to make a party
about your great idea.
That time I had to shut up
because I thought he was saying,
well, OK, good idea.
But I said: You’re not enthusiastic enough.
He was enthusiastic with my idea.
Yeah. You could tell him:
Yes. Make a party.
I’m very enthusiastic about this.
And maybe the people that
come to the party will have ideas
that they can support me with.
Yes. Next time I’ll give him that.
Yeah. And then you can thank him
for being so supportive.
For being so willing to even make a party.
And then he’ll say: I was just kidding.
Or he’ll say OK.
But in my life, people believe
what they believe, but I can never
guess if they believe it or not.
So I only have words.
But if I project onto those words,
then it separates.
I need to hear, I need to listen, literally.
It’s like if someone says:
I support you.
Then I believe that.
I believe that they believe that.
And so I live my life accordingly.
And I notice sometimes they
change their mind.
Or sometimes they really didn’t mean it.
And it doesn’t stop me.
And it doesn’t disappoint me.
Because I can only thank them,
because that opens the door
to another path.
And that’s the right path.
So, there’s no one that is not
helping me along the way.
No support is support.
And support is support.
No one can stop you, sweetheart.
So, “you want him to support you
and to be enthusiastic
about your projects.”
So, close your eyes and look at him
in that conversation.
And just drop that want; drop that story.
He’d heard your plan.
He’s heard your idea.
Who would you be without the thought
that “you want him to support you
and be enthusiastic
about your projects”?
And listen to his words.
Just drop the want.
And look at his face,
just the way it really is.
And what do you see?
I think he actually likes the idea.
I mean, he was honest.
He was honest.
It’s like I see just the
I don’t know.
The imagination says:
OK. He was not enthusiastic enough.
So, he doesn’t care.
So, your imagination
was overriding reality.
I feel stupid.
Well, it’s just a trick of mind.
It’s not being stupid at all.
We’re just sitting here. . .
You know, it’s just the ego
doing its best to identify you.
To identify as:
I am the one that’s not supported.
He is not enthusiastic about my project.
You know, it’s: I, the victim,
and he’s the perpetrator.
And it’s; what we’re believing
overrides reality.
Reality is always gifting us.
Always gifting us.
But what we’re believing about reality
costs us that gift.
The awareness of that gift.
It keeps us locked in that house,
like a woman to be kept closed
in that house of the brain. Yeah.
OK. So: “I want him to support me
and to be enthusiastic about my projects.”
Let’s turn it around.
How would you turn that around
to an opposite?
He wants that I am enthusiastic
about his projects.
I see that. Because in this debate,
he even told me that.
He says: Don’t you see?
You’re not enthusiastic and you’re
not happy like before
about the projects I bring.
And I thought, wow. I wrote that.
One week ago I wrote the contrary.
And it might be true.
Well, it sounds like it is true.
You weren’t.
Yes. No, I wasn’t.
Now, so you feel the difference
between it sounds like
I wasn’t enthusiastic
and the truth is
I was not enthusiastic?
OK. I was not.
So, you know, that’s owning;
owning that piece is very important
as you look back.
But owning more than is yours
is also not gonna serve you.
So, it’s looking back:
Was I or wasn’t I enthusiastic?
No, I wasn’t.
OK.
On one of the projects I was not.
So, now it’s like. . .
On your turnaround, I want him
to support me and to be enthusiastic
about my projects.
And use your turnaround again.
I want me. . .
I want me to be supportive
and enthusiastic about his projects.
So, it’s never too late.
You can go back.
And this is what I love about The Work.
You can go back and say:
I noticed. I just noticed that
the other day I wasn’t enthusiastic
about your project.
And I want you to tell me again
about your project.
I’m really interested and I love
that it’s something that I could
support you with.
Something that I would
get excited about too.
And then as he described the project,
I wouldn’t be false.
I would simply be open-minded.
And in that way,
I can see those areas clearly
that I can support him with
and be enthusiastic about.
So that he doesn’t have to be
a man that I keep closed
in a house.
So now we have you;
we have two people. . .
It’s like they are between bars
and they don’t realize.
Well, he is actually closed in the house
many hours because he works
on the Internet. So.
Yeah. Yeah.
Sometimes I have to escape the house
because he has to be closed inside.
Yeah. Yeah.
So; and he doesn’t have to
be closed inside.
No.
No. No.
But he prefers being inside because
that’s his passion.
He’s doing his work.
Yeah. Just like you choose to come home
and be in the house sometimes.
You prefer it.
OK. So, can you find another turnaround?
“I want him to support me and be
enthusiastic about my projects.”
I want me. . .
I want me. . . that I am supportive
and to just think about my own projects.
Yes.
Oh, this is important.
Yes. Can I ask something?
Yes.
That I am supportive and enthusiastic
about my projects without the need
of others having to be enthusiastic
about my projects.
Yes. You can.
And it doesn’t mean you don’t ask.
And they’ll be enthusiastic
or they won’t.
But if they’re not enthusiastic,
then that’s not the person
to take it to.
You need to maybe bounce it off
someone else.
And then someone else.
And if you’re really enthusiastic
about your project, you will.
Right. Yes.
So: I want me to support me and
be enthusiastic about my projects.
But you weren’t that interested
when you believed that
he wasn’t supportive.
You were not that interested
in your project.
Yes. I was more attached to his actions.
And you were very enthusiastic with it.
Yes.
And you were not supportive of
where he was.
You didn’t honor where he was
coming from.
So, tell me. Would you want him
to pretend to be enthusiastic?
No. No.
OK. So, that’s what you were asking for.
That’s what you were
punishing him for.
Because he was not enthusiastic.
And then you put a story on him.
I live with a man who is;
an onlooker might see him as
never enthusiastic.
But I live with an honest man.
That’s beautiful, right?
A beautiful man.
One that. . .
When I look at him,
I certainly couldn’t say
he was enthusiastic or he wasn’t.
That’s an experience we all
have to answer to ourselves.
But he doesn’t pretend to my mind.
If I said: Honey, please get excited
about my idea, he would look at me
like I was crazy.
Unless my idea excited him,
which would be self-evident.
I wouldn’t have to ask.
Authentic.
Yes. Authentic.
Yeah. So, I come up with
this great idea and he looks at me
like: What is that?
Or he just looks at me or. . .
But I’ve got his answer right there.
You know, if I say:
Honey, do you think that’s a good idea,
you know, it’s already too late. Because
I think I already have his answer.
But it doesn’t hurt to ask.
Yes. I keep trying. And proposing.
And also, their idea of enthusiastic
doesn’t match ours.
Or expression also.
The way of expressing enthusiasm.
Exactly. Yeah.
It could be that my husband and Rito
are more reserved than we are.
Yes. I’m more extroverted.
He’s more quiet.
Maybe that’s the problem.
OK, sweetheart.
So, on: I want me to be. . .
Do you see another turnaround?
I want to support me and be more
enthusiastic about my projects?
I don’t want him to.
I don’t want him to be supportive
and enthusiastic about my projects?
Yeah. It’s not required.
It’s not.
No. And you can share it with him.
But you don’t want him to be inauthentic.
I want him to be real. Yes.
Yeah. And he sounds like someone
you can really trust.
Yes. He is.
Yeah.
So, let’s look at statement 3.
Let’s look at advice.
OK. “You should look inside yourself
and find out why you need to
underestimate me in order to
feel stronger and better.”
So. . .
So, “he underestimates you.”
So, “he feels stronger and better
when he underestimates you.”
You see how I’ve rephrased that?
Yes.
“He feels stronger and better
when he underestimates you.”
Is that true?
No. No. Not at all.
He maybe feels stronger but not better.
So, you’re there at the table with him
and you’re having that argument
that’s not looking
like an argument now.
It’s like he said what he said
and you threw a tantrum
because what you were believing
took over reality.
Yes.
“He feels stronger and better. . .”
“He underestimated you.”
Is it true?
No.
In that situation?
No.
And notice how you reacted
when you had the thought:
“He underestimates me.”
I attack. That’s how I react.
Yeah.
Now, close your eyes and
look at you attacking him
and look at him being attacked.
And notice, as clearly as you can,
that attack.
Notice your mannerisms,
your facial expressions,
your body language,
and feel what that feels like.
And notice the energy it takes
and notice the frustration.
Now, notice Rito
as he takes on that attack.
Look at his face.
Yes.
So now, who would you be
without the thought:
“He underestimates you.”
I would be lovely with him.
I wouldn’t be that attacking beast
that I have become.
You’d be a sane listener
with allowing room for questions
within you to rise up;
to continue a conversation with him
that could be really valuable.
But when we’re believing,
for example, “he underestimates you,”
then your mind is doing
the story on him.
You’re not in touch with reality.
So you can’t say things like:
Sweetheart, is there; do you have
any ideas that could support this?
Do you see something I’m missing here?
And if you have any great ideas
to support me, I’d really appreciate it.
I really want to contribute
to our family, in other ways.
In every way.
Yes. It would be so much;
it is, without the story,
I can imagine the conversation
going in a whole different level.
A whole different level. Yeah.
So, who cost you?
Who was insane in that interaction?
You, when you thinking;
when you were thinking and
believing your story.
Yes, I.
Uh-uh. I. And. . .
It obliterates reality.
So, of course, you know,
you’re caught up in the movie.
That’s all. It’s not serious.
Because you can always
turn it around.
In other words, start over with Rito.
So, read number 3 again,
turned around.
Yes.
I should. . .
I should look inside myself and
find out why I need
to underestimate myself
in order to feel stronger and better.
Oh, my God. That’s good Work.
Oh, wow. That’s a good one.
So, read it like that again,
slowly as you take it in.
I should look inside myself
and find out why I need
to underestimate me
in order to feel stronger and better.
Of course, to keep the victim,
I supposed. To keep the story
that I am a victim and. . .
It keeps you from taking responsibility
and you put it completely on him.
Yes.
You don’t follow through
with your project and you’re
deluded enough to believe
that it’s his fault.
Because “he didn’t support you.”
Because “he wasn’t enthusiastic enough.”
Yeah. That’s a mind-blower.
Yeah.
So, read that Turnaround again,
just like that.
I should look inside myself
and find out why I need to
underestimate myself. . .
Him.
Oh, to underestimate him. Ah!
In order to feel stronger and better.
Yes. Almost forgot one.
I should look inside myself
and find out why I need to
underestimate him. Yes.
So, in that situation, why did you
underestimate. . .
Notice how you underestimated him
and how that false power
that separated you
just ripped you from your own heart
and from connection with this man.
Yes. I see it clearly.
So, why do you need to do that
to feel powerful?
Why do you need to do that to him
for you to feel powerful?
I don’t need to do that.
But in that moment, it will show you
why did you need to do that.
It’s all about your ego.
Yes.
You get to stay small.
Yes.
The project stops.
And you can blame it on him
and not take responsibility
for your own thinking and believing.
So, you know, I took this mind on
as my project.
And it gave me the world.
And then I no longer needed that.
And no one has to see my power.
But everyone has it. It’s not personal.
It’s love.
And anything that I would think
or believe that would separate me
from anyone in the world
or anything in the world
is something that I can identify
and question
and then it’s like I’m always;
I’m always. . .
appreciating this project.
And it looks like there are
many other projects in my life,
but this is the only one I do
and all the others just are given.
Unlimited. And no one can stop me.
But this.
Yeah.
But anytime I am at war with anyone
or anything, then I have dropped
this project and I feel the stress of it.
And so the project of identifying it
and questioning it the way that
we’re doing here sets me free.
Just like you.
And then we begin again.
OK, sweetheart. So, that advice
was more advice to yourself, wasn’t it?
Yes. Definitely.
Yes.
So, let’s look at what you need
to be happy in that situation.
Read statement 4.
Yes. “I need Rito to feel happy
about my ideas. I need that he thinks
I am good in the work and I can
produce money. I need that he
supports me instead bothering me.
I need that he becomes honest
with himself
if I am not the woman he wants.”
OK. So, “you need Rito to feel happy
about your ideas.”
Is that true?
No.
And notice how you react, what happens,
when you believe that thought,
in that conversation, look at you,
when you believe the thought:
“I need Rito to feel happy
about my idea.”
I get ready to fight.
And all that false power comes to you,
like you’ve got control over something.
Yes.
But it’s false control.
You’ve lost yourself.
And you’re blind to Rito.
You’re blind to the world.
So, look at you without the thought.
Without those needs that you just read.
I’m free. I’m light.
And Rito?
He is himself, authentic.
I appreciate him. I see all he does.
He’s beautiful and strong
and no matter how you come at him,
he deals with it.
He’s very strong.
Stays at home, a man just shut
in the house, supporting his family.
Yes. Yes.
Yeah.
A lot of patience and love.
So, sweetheart, let’s turn that
whole thing around: I need me. . .
I need to me to feel happy
about my ideas. I need me to
think that I am good in my work
and that I can produce money.
I need me to support myself
instead of bothering myself.
I need me to become honest with myself
if I am not the woman. . .
I want.
. . . I want.
Yes. It also fits. It’s a good one.
Yeah.
And notice, that is what you need
to be happy.
You’re even laughing.
I mean, it just rings true to your heart.
And it’s doable.
And it doesn’t require Rito.
He can go on and work
and support the family
and give you excellent feedback,
authentic feedback,
when he’s available.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
So, in that situation, I need. . .
me to feel happy
about his ideas.
You see that?
Yes.
And continue.
I need; that I. . .
To think that he is good in his work.
And he can produce money. Yes.
And he does.
Yes.
So, you get it?
In that situation, in that conversation,
you need to realize this.
He’s an expert.
Yes.
He’s got good experience.
And in that conversation: I need
that I support. . .
Him, instead of bothering him.
Which I do a lot.
Yeah.
It’s also true.
And anything past his
honest response to you
was bothering you
and we can’t speak for him.
Yes.
I need me, in that conversation,
to become. . .
To become. . .
Honest.
Honest with myself.
I need me. . . You did that one.
I need me, in that situation,
to become honest with him.
With him.
I need me to become honest.
If I am. . .
If he’s the man I want.
Yes.
Yes, he’s the man I want.
So be honest with him.
When we look at what he put up with,
you can say anything to him.
It’s going to be OK.
Yes. Poor man. Oh my God. Yes.
I think he’s going to be very happy
about this conversation.
He will say:
Please call her once per week!
So, sweetheart, let’s look at
statement 5.
Yes.
What do you think of them in
this situation; make a list.
Rito is arrogant, heavy, negative,
irritating, bothering, unfair,
not helpful, unsupportive, cruel,
unfriendly, loud, evil, hurtful,
dramatic, destructive, unbearable,
angry, possessive, uneven.
He wants to be the center
of the world,
stupid and dumb.
Rito is dislikable and stressful.
Oh my God.
OK. So, what I loved about
your Worksheet
is how honest you were.
How you; and those of you
watching this,
when you’re filling in a
Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet,
to sit in that situation and
identify what you were thinking
and believing in the heat
of the moment,
what you’re thinking and believing
now is different.
So, the trick is to go back and see
what created your stress
and what you were thinking and
believing in that moment you were
upset; what you were thinking and
believing was the cause
of your suffering.
It was the reason you were upset.
So, it’s important that you
get really still,
meditating on that moment in time,
and identify the thoughts you were
thinking in that situation.
And this is such a great example
of a Worksheet.
You know, it’s written out of
the presence of that moment in time.
And we can see the benefits,
because what you were thinking
and believing, we all have experienced.
All of us.
So, your Work is; your Work
is our Work.
So, let’s look at this.
In that situation, I was. . .
I was arrogant, heavy, negative,
irritating, bothering. . .
OK, now slow it down
and take it in.
Unfair, not helpful, unsupportive.
So, are you seeing all of these
clearly in your mind’s eye?
Yes. Yes.
Cruel.
I was cruel, unfriendly, loud. . .
Now, when I’m doing my Worksheets
and I’ve got a list like this,
I really slow it down.
In that situation I was arrogant.
And I’m gonna give that a moment
and I’m going to recognize
where I was arrogant.
Because it’s a conversation that
I could have with that person later.
And: I was negative. OK?
So, I’m seeing where I was negative.
I want to talk to that,
in this case, we live with these people,
so. . . Where was I negative?
This is a conversation that I could have.
And because I’m recognizing it now
and I’m openly discussing it with him
later, that really supports me
to get the difference in when I’m
awake and when I’m asleep,
and when I’m being negative
and arrogant and when I’m not,
so that when the behavior starts
again, it’s easily recognized
and interrupted. Easily interrupted.
For example, if I take on an attitude
like this and I’ve experienced
my facial expressions in, like,
how I react when I believe
the thought, when I just start
that tendency, it’s like: Aah.
I’m asleep. I’m asleep.
And the behavior kind of just drops,
because I’m awake.
But then sometimes you notice
you’re asleep and you don’t care.
You are sure you’re right
and he’s wrong and you know
it could be another Worksheet later,
but right now, you can’t stop.
So you just notice.
You just notice.
And then you begin to see
in real time their hurt.
As opposed to: He deserves it.
You begin to see; the story
begins to fall away, in other words.
And so it’s really important
to slow down and look at these
tendencies we’re in when
we’re believing our thoughts.
So, continue, for all of us.
For me, for sure.
In that situation, with Rito,
I am; I was. . .
I was unsupportive.
Cruel. Unfriendly.
I was loud.
I was evil
I was hurtful.
I was dramatic, destructive,
unbearable, angry, possessive,
uneven. And I want to be the center
of the world.
I was stupid and dumb.
I am dislikable and stressful.
Yeah. In that situation.
In that situation.
Yeah.
And then it’s good to notice that
it’s not all the time.
It was just in that situation.
This doesn’t make us
a terrible person.
It doesn’t make me. . .
Let’s say I wrote this
and experienced it.
This doesn’t make me
a terrible person.
It just shoes me the seizure
that happened and
why the seizure happened.
And a seizure for me is
any attack, whether I’m just
sitting alone with myself,
like you were on the terrace,
or if I’m actually attacking
another human being
or anyone or anything in the world.
In other words, not loving what is.
Again, not loving what is
is just simply not being
in the moment to see what
the reality really is,
opposed to what we’re believing.
OK. So, now, in that situation,
did you see, on this list,
one thing that you did not
experience about yourself?
Possessiveness.
OK. You were possessive.
You want to hear my thought
on it?
Yes. You were possessive
about what?
Where were you possessive?
About what I was believing.
Excellent.
Your secret life.
Myself.
Yeah.
OK. That’s why we test these.
Anything else?
What does evil mean to you?
Evil is use information
from other situations and
throws them in the middle
of the conversation
that has nothing to do with it.
OK. So, that’s working. OK.
So, that was your state of mind,
when you’re believing your thoughts,
this is who you are
in that situation.
So, now let’s Turnaround and see
what else might also be true.
What is the opposite of:
“Rito is arrogant”?
What is the opposite of arrogant?
Humble.
Can you see where he was humble?
Yes.
Yes. Very, when you look at your
attack; your seizure.
What is the opposite of heavy?
Light.
Can you see where he was light?
Yes.
What is the opposite of negative?
Positive.
He was positive also.
Yeah. So, those of you new
to the Work, watching this,
we’re moving through this quickly,
but: “He was negative.”
Turned around: He was positive.
I’m going to sit in that conversation
and hear his words again
and witness that again,
meditating on that situation again
until I can see where he was positive.
And I’m not going to pretend
he was positive if he wasn’t.
I’m not going to stop until
I actually see.
So, irritating.
What was the opposite of irritating?
Soothing.
Soothing.
Yeah.
Bothering. Find the opposite
of bothering.
Unfair. Where was he fair.
Was he helpful?
This is just an amazing Worksheet.
Let’s look at number 6.
In the interest of time,
I’m getting a thing that says
ready to wrap it up,
and it’s like we’re over time,
but I don’t want to miss 6.
Number 6.
Uh-huh. I’m willing. . .
What is it you don’t want
to experience of that situation again?
I don’t want to experience
I don’t ever. . . What about:
“I don’t ever want to argue;
I don’t ever want to attack him again.”
Exactly.
OK. So: I am willing to. . .
I am willing to. . .
Attack him again.
Attack him again.
I look forward to. . .
I look forward to attacking him again.
Yes. Because that will show you
you’re asleep again.
OK.
And you do the Work and
you notice eventually that people say:
Do you argue with Rito?
Oh, my gosh! I think it’s been
like 10 years since I’ve attacked him.
But, you know, it’s a process.
And it’s a practice.
All of you listening out there,
the Work is a practice.
It’s simply to identify
what you’re thinking and believing
in the situation that caused you stress.
That hurt you or another human being.
And then to question
those concepts on the
Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet
with 4 simple questions
and Turnarounds.
So, precious, thank you.
It’s such a privilege to sit with you.
Thank you.
And love to Rito and blessings be.
Blessings be you too.
Thank you.
Bye-Bye.
So, I realize, again, apologies
for going over time,
and the School for the Work
coming up soon,
October 16th through the 25th,
Los Angeles.
Very excited about that.
And then Turnaround House
next session November 2nd
through the 29th in Ojai.
And then Dialogues on the Future
of Leadership, Inquiry for
Business Leaders,
November 12th through the 15th
here in Ojai.
And, let’s see,
the New Year’s Mental Cleanse
coming up December 29th
and January 1st in Los Angeles.
And; December 29th through
January 1st in Los Angeles.
And then Wisdom 2.0 conference 2016
in February in San Francisco
and I look forward to
speaking at that event again.
And speaking is odd to say.
Just hanging out with
the most amazing people.
And then, you know,
thank you family
for joining us today
and I hope. . .
Peace. Peace. Peace.
That you find the peace within you
that never moves.
It’s always there.
Bye-bye.