The Mistake Every Couple Makes

When it comes to fighting, turns out that the age-old wisdom of putting yourself in the other person’s shoes might not be such a great fit after all, according to new research.

When people try to look at a situation from someone else’s perspective, they could actually make an argument worse instead of helping resolve it, says Jacquie Vorauer, PhD, a psychology professor from the University of Manitoba in Canada. Why? Apparently humans aren’t very adept at genuinely adopting a different vantage point. “People’s own guesses and estimates of another’s thoughts tend to be hugely biased by their own perspectives...especially if they’re consciously trying to see something through someone else’s eyes,” says Vorauer.

We know what you’re thinking: But you know your partner really well. Doesn’t matter. We’re too concerned with how we’re perceived, Vorauer says. In her new study, when people tried to imagine what the other person was thinking, they quickly became concerned about how they were being judged by that other person—even if that other person was the love of their life.

So what does make an argument better? Instead of imagining how your husband is feeling or what he’s thinking, Vorauer suggests simply asking several questions and paying close attention to his behavior. Looking for physical clues, like defensively crossed arms, is a better gauge of where he stands on a particular issue than letting your imagination run wild.

Here are three ways more ways to take an argument from boil to simmer:

Have a safe word: Designate a phrase or word you both agree on (before another argument starts) to use when things start getting heated to break the tension and remind you both that you love each other, says Sherry Amatenstein, LCSW, and author of The Complete Marriage Counselor. “One of my couples chose the ‘spafaswap’ simply because it made them both instantly laugh,” she says.

Take certain phrases out of your vocabulary: Word choice goes a long way when you’re in a heated argument, says marriage counselor Will Meek, PhD. “Avoid using what I call ‘extreme language’ because they are usually inaccuracies that create a distraction from the larger point,” he says. So instead of saying, "You never help around the house!" change it to: "You don't help around the house enough!" This last iteration is usually more productive and doesn't create added defensiveness in the other person, says Meek.

Know the limit: Every couple has a line that shouldn’t be crossed, and respecting that line is essential to healthy arguing, says Meek. The tipping point could come in the form of name calling, pointing out certain flaws and failures, or even making threats. “When those lines are routinely crossed in a way that causes deep damage to the other person, it’s no longer just arguing; it becomes verbal and emotional abuse,” says Meek.