Have you ever had to confront your child’s school teacher? Shirley Johnson couldn’t believe her eyes. Her daughter Ali, a sixth grade student identified as a gifted learner, had brought home an essay with a big letter D scrawled across the top in red pen. Furious, she skimmed through the paper, searching for any justification for the teacher’s decision. She found none and immediately decide to confront Ali’s teacher . Within seconds she was on the phone, her fingers shaking so hard she could barely dial the number.

She reached Mr. Hawkings within seconds. “Mr. Hawkings, this is Shirley Johnson, Ali’s mother,” she announced the moment she heard his voice. “I just want you to know that Ali has been a straight A student since the first grade. She’s never had a D in her life, and if she’s getting them now I think it has more to do with your teaching than her writing!”

Across the street, Anna Reid had a similar issue. Her son Malcolm brought back a fifth grade science paper with a D. Malcolm wasn’t a straight A student, but he usually got at least a B, and he worked hard on this project. Anna, who has a degree in biology, looked over her son’s project before he handed it in and found it surprisingly impressive for a fifth grade student. Obviously the project interested Malcolm. He was very proud of his work, and he was disappointed to the point of tears by his mark.

Like Shirley, Anna was understandably angry. Like Shirley, her hands were shaking. Like Shirley, she wanted to get on the phone and scream!

But instead, Anna decided not to confront Anna’s school teacher yet. She made supper, read with Malcolm, watched TV with her husband, and had a good night sleep. The next morning she found herself much calmer. She was still annoyed and still wanted to talk to Malcolm’s teacher, but she was no longer steaming.

She made the phone call over her lunch hour. “This is Anna Reid, Malcolm’s mother,” she introduced herself. “If you have a moment, I’d like to discuss Malcolm’s science project. I noticed that he received a D on the paper, and I was wondering if you could explain the mark. I know he worked very hard on his project, and I was surprised he didn’t do better.”

Every parent has been there. The fact is, there are times when you will need to deal with a potentially volatile situation at your child’s school. Confronting school teachers and principals can be intimidating for some; for others, it’s old hat. Either way, following a few simple tips is a surefire way to make the meeting a success.

Of course, this article assumes your child is not in immediate danger. If there is a serious issue, such as suspected physical or sexual abuse, you must deal with it promptly and decisively. Any such situation requires an immediate phone call to the principal, school board, or – in a worst case scenario – the police. But for handling basic situations where you feel your child has been treated unfairly, whether by a staff member or another student, you need to follow the rules of engagement!

Before you go confront a teacher, make sure you have a plan. Know what you want to talk about and what you hope to accomplish. If there’s a problem, try to suggest some solutions of your own rather than leaving it all to the teacher. This also makes it more likely you’ll be satisfied with how things play out! Feel free to make a list or jot down the things you want to mention – otherwise, you may get home and realize you forgot a key issue!

The same principles apply when talking to teachers as when talking to your children – i.e., never do it when you’re angry! The risk of losing your temper is too great, and an ugly conflict is not conducive to helping your child. Of course, you might become angry during the course of the meeting – at which point a few deep breaths are in order, or, if you’re simply too angry to continue, a postponement. The point is not to take any action in anger. Otherwise you may find yourself repenting at leisure.

To this end, stay calm when you approach your child’s teacher. Ask for a moment of his or her time and explain the situation. Even if you feel your child has been treated unfairly, it’s important to remain calm as you state the facts. Don’t use emotional statements (“I can’t believe you’d treat a child this way!”) or accusations (“You told my daughter to shut up!”). Simply explain the facts as you understand them.

Allow the teacher to respond. It’s an unfortunate fact of life that children are not always telling the exact truth. Even if you trust your child implicitly, he or she may have heard the story secondhand or taken a statement out of context. It’s important to give the teacher a chance to address your concerns – after all, that’s what you came in for! But more importantly, you must be prepared to listen. Teachers are professionals who generally have their students’ best interests at heart. If what the teacher tells you differs from your child’s story, be prepared to at least reconsider the facts.

Remember that teachers are human too! They make mistakes, and contrary to popular belief, they do not have eyes in the back of their heads. For example, it is entirely possible for bullying to occur behind the teacher’s back. Most teachers will appreciate having such issues brought to their attention and will be more than happy to work with you towards a solution.

Keep in mind that your child’s teacher is busy and has a life outside of school – be considerate and don’t take more time than is necessary to reach a solution. Remember that you may make the teacher nervous! Many teachers feel pressure to remain in control and have all the answers. Make it clear that you don’t expect miracles, only cooperation. Observing common courtesy and self-control in these discussions is the key to getting results. No matter how tempted you may be to scream and shout, take the initiative and remain calmly collected. Even if the teacher grows angry, your calm will prevail.

And what about Ali and Malcolm? Well, both had their marks raised in the end. Shirley and Mr. Hawkings had a long, angry conversation which ended when he informed her he would speak to her when she had calmed down and hung up the phone. The next day after school she and Mr. Hawkings met in the principal’s office, where Mr. Hawkings grudgingly admitted he may have made an error on Ali’s paper. He agreed to change her mark to a B-, and both Shirley and Mr. Hawkings left the room dissatisfied and angry.

Anna, on the other hand, had a calm, pleasant conversation with Malcolm’s teacher, who agreed to have another look at the project. The next day she received a note confirming that the teacher had confused Malcolm’s paper with another student’s and raising his mark from a D to an A. In both cases the result was the same, but Shirley had irreparably damaged her relationship with Mr. Hawkings and spent the rest of the year growing increasingly irritated with Ali’s class.

Confronting a school teacher calmly is always preferable to rash behavior. Not only are you more likely to get a desirable result, you will save yourself and the teacher embarrassment and preserve your future relationship. Make your life and your child’s life easier. Keep the aggression for kickboxing and address your child’s teachers with courtesy and respect!

*Names have been changed

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