Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Death of a Nation

Donald J. Trump believes he will be the next President of the United States. He won't, but he believes it. Hillary and I aren't about to let that shit happen. Trump's very good brain functions in an alternate universe. In that alternate universe, Trump becomes President. In this universe, he loses and goes broke because he burned a lot of bridges with his racist rants and tweets. Trump is so sure he's about to become President, he's started writing a book about it.

Through my super special top secret connections, I was able to get my hands on an advanced copy of the manuscript. Or I'm about to make up a lot of shit. Either way please enjoy the following excerpt.

The Art of Running a Successful Presidential Campaign and Becoming the Greatest President God Ever Created Even Though a Bunch of Losers Laughed at You

People come up to me in the street every day and they say to me, "Don, how did you do it? How did you become President?" I tell them to call me Mr. President The Donald, okay. They're being very rude. I'm not a businessman anymore. I'm the President of America and all it's subsidiaries. But they can't believe it. They just can't believe I became President with no background in public office. It's incredible. They tell me it's the most historic moment they've ever witnessed in their lives. People tell me that. That's what I'm hearing on the street. Every time I go out I'm surrounded by men in black suits who want to know how the fuck I became President. They love me. A couple of them have even taken bullets for me. I get shot at a lot, but that's what happens when you stand up to thugs like Stephen Hawking. Anyway, the men in black suits are always around to protect me from bullets. I've started calling them The Men in Black. They tell me they've sworn to protect me, and all they want to know is how the fuck I became President.

I'll tell you it's actually very simple to become President. Most of what qualifies a person to become President happens at birth.

1.

Be born in America. More specifically, be born in the forty-eight states I consider to be America. People born in Hawaii aren't citizens and Barack Obama's entire presidency was a total fraud, okay. People born in Indiana with names that sound Mexican-y aren't citizens either and they shouldn't be allowed to become judges. The states I consider to be America can change daily depending on my feelings. That I can tell you.

2.

Be born white. Look at the forty-four Presidents before me. Forty-three and a half of them were white. People are going to play the race card and call me a racist, but it's just facts, folks. Americans love white Presidents. I'm not saying white people make better leaders, but there has to be something to it. There has to be some reason the American people keep putting white Presidents in office.

3.

Be born male. I love women, okay. I'll be a great President for women. I'll do great things on behalf of women. I don't want to tell you what those things are because you'll go crazy. You won't believe it. But, believe me, women are going to love me and they'll say I'm the greatest President ever. But I'm sorry, ladies, a woman can't run for President without playing the woman's card. And that automatically disqualifies a woman from running. For a woman to become President, she has to be able to run on an even playing field with a man. And she can't if she's playing the woman's card. And she can't run without playing the woman's card. So a woman can't be President. Does that make sense? Does your tiny woman brain understand? Don't worry. Breast implants for flat-chested women is part of my healthcare plan. You'll feel better when your boobs are bigger. Believe me.

4.

Be born rich. I hate to say it, but rich people are far superior to everyone else. For a person to be poor, they must be stupid. Seriously, look at all the stupid poor people who voted for me. And before the liberal media says I'm making fun of poor people, remember I'm very rich. I consider anyone who makes less than a billion dollars a year poor, okay. Poor people love me because they know I'm going to help them be a little less poor. I'm the only one who can do it. I self-funded my campaign, except for the part where I was asking for donations throughout the entire campaign, and people love that about me.

These four key things will put anyone on the fast track to the White House. Our country has a long history of voting for men who were born rich and white in the forty-eight states of America. We can't change that if we want to make America great again.

I'm starting to not feel good about New Mexico. The name sounds too Mexican-y. By executive order, Donald J. Trump is pronouncing New Mexico is no longer a state and all people born there are not U.S. citizens. Just so you know, folks, making quick decisions like that based on my emotions is what makes me a great President, okay. Maybe even the greatest President since Martin Sheen. Martin Sheen was one of the best Presidents in history. His legacy is huge. We met at the Emmy's once. He's a great guy. Martin won the Emmy for best President. Even though I had the highest rated show in the history of shows and ratings, I never won an Emmy. I made a deal with Martin Sheen. I'm known for making great deals, okay. That's what I do. That's what I'm known for. People all over the world can tell you that. The deal I made with Martin is he gives me his Emmy for best President and I give his son a job. I said, "This is great. I love Charlie. He's the most talented guy ever. The press has been so nasty to him. The way they've treated him, it's a total disaster."

Martin said, "No, not Charlie. Charlie has no trouble getting a job. He should have trouble getting a job, but he doesn't. It's my other son, Emilio, who needs work."

I'm like... what's this? Emilio? You named your son Emilio Sheen? And Martin tells me his name is Emilio Estevez and he was in a movie with Molly Ringwald thirty-five years ago. I'm like, Molly Ringwald? Who cares about Molly Ringwald? She's old now. She's got to be... what? Fifty? Excuse me. Excuse me, Martin Sheen, I wouldn't bang Molly Ringwald now if I wanted to. What do I care about Molly Ringwald? And Martin tells me it's not about Molly Ringwald. So, I didn't bring up Molly Ringwald. Martin Sheen brought up Molly Ringwald. Why did he bring up Molly Ringwald if he didn't want to talk about her?

So I say fine. Whatever. We're done talking about Molly Ringwald. Do we have a deal on the Emmy? And Martin says, "What about my son?" I tell him, "Look, I'd love to hire Charlie. He can run the Miss Universe pageant. I think he'd be tremendous at that, but I can't hire someone named Emilio Estefan. I just can't. I'm building a wall, okay. Where did this kid come from? Did you adopt him?"

Then Martin Sheen actually says to me, "He is my biological son. His name is Emilio Estevez, not Estefan." He actually said this to me, folks. I'm not making this up. I'm like, "Estefan, Estevez, who cares? How does a guy named Martin Sheen have a son named Emilio Estevez? That's what I want to know." The press and the American people should be asking that question. This man was President, okay, and he was hiding this Mexican-y son the whole time.

What happened next is unbelievable, okay. I've never seen anything like it. Former President Martin Sheen just lost it. He had a complete and total breakdown right in front of me. Believe me when I tell you he was trembling. He said to me, "Don, Martin Sheen is a stage name. My real name is Ramon Estevez. Charlie's real name is Carlos Estevez. I thought you knew that."

I said, "Martin, are you telling me you're a Mexican? Is that what I'm hearing?"

I couldn't believe it. Could not believe it, folks. I felt a little bad for former President Sheen. It must have been a tremendous burden to carry, hiding his heritage all those years in the Oval Office. I truly think... no, I know he confessed to me because deep down he understands what he did is bad for the country and he knows I'm the only one who can fix this kind of disaster. And I can't think of a bigger disaster than finding out Martin Sheen isn't a U.S. citizen. So I said to him, "Martin, look, I can't give a job to your anchor baby, okay. I just can't. It goes against everything I believe in. I mean, this guy, what he did to Molly Ringwald. It's just horrible."

Martin actually says to me, "What are you talking about?"

I couldn't believe it, folks. Martin Sheen was trying to change his story. I mean, here's a guy who we all thought was a great President. He did tremendous things for the country. He won the Emmy for best President and it was all a total lie, folks. Okay. It was a total fraud.

I told him. I said, "Look, you just told me your son, Emilio Iglesias, did horrible, rotten, nasty things to Molly Ringwald." He actually tried to tell me he didn't say that, folks. Can you believe it? I'm like, where did I hear it then? I didn't bring up Molly Ringwald. Martin Sheen brought up Molly Ringwald.

This is what happens when you don't secure the border. They come over here. They take over our government and primetime TV, which is probably, I don't want to say, but I'm guessing, it's why I never won an Emmy. Charlie Carlos is bringing drugs. They're criminals. They're ruining our women. I mean, just look at how much Molly Ringwald has aged in thirty-five years. She would probably look much, much better if it hadn't been for whatever Emilio Estrada did to her. That I can tell you.

I hated to do it, but I called my immigration people. Look, either we have a country or we don't, folks, okay. And believe me, my immigration people are the best anywhere in the world. I told them to round up former President Martin Sheen Fernandez and his two sons, Carlos Lopez and Emilio Enriquez and get 'em out of here. Okay, just get them the hell out of here. Send them back to where they came from.

My Chief Operating Officer of Deportation and Making America Great Again told me that Martin Sheen El Salvador was born in Dayton, Ohio. I said, you've got to be kidding me. How stupid are the people of Ohio? Ohio's out, okay. Ohio has to go. My policies are America first. America can't afford to lose another Molly Ringwald. I'm making this whole Molly Ringwald thing a top priority in my re-election campaign.