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lostkate

I am a mother of two, son and daughter. I have battled anorexic and cutting on and off since my 20's, now in my late 40's. I went through a period of about 15 years not starving myself but instead I was eating my feelings. When I finally realized what I was doing, I started to diet, knowing my history, I was very careful. Well, I guess I wasn't careful enough, I fell right back into old habits, cutting and starving. I went back to therapy, struggling with it but trying to hang in there. I go through periods of depression and anxiety, I am not fond of medication but have tried it. I enjoy my kids, walking, writing in my journal and hanging out at the beach.

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how do you feel about your weight? I would guess since the doctor said something you were at a low weight before you lost. I know how fessing up to things can be, I had not seen my therapist for about a month, I knew I lost a lot of weight and was so afriad to see her. When I walked in I could see it on her face, I acted like nothing was wrong. When it comes to weight its really hard to hide it. I have gain back most of that weight and its driving me crazy. I dont want to gain it all back, Im trying really hard to gain anymore but I really want to stop eatting and lose what I have gain. Its a struggle I will have to lived with for the rest of my life. You just need to do it in a healthy way, which I have a tendency not too.

Im not really sure what to say, I have that problem a lot but will try. Can you split your food money, take half and put it away some where so its not readily available. Im not sure what kind of appointment you mean. I wish I could help more. Today is not a good day for me.View Thread

HeyI havent been on this board much, the other board you see me on has been too hard for me to read, so to be safe been staying away. I took your advice, went to see my old therapist. Even though I have issues with her, it was a very good session for me. I have no other appointment with her but that's ok too.

Thank you, these boards dont make me feel alone as much.

The M&M's are gone. Thank God, now if we can get the Halloween candy finished I will be very happy. There will be no buying Valentines Day candy.View Thread

The M&M were bought for Christmas, my sister asked me to pick up a tray of Chocolates at this shop near me to bring with me to her house on Christmas, I completely forgot. So last minute I picked up one of those big bags of M&M with peanuts because I knew she loved them. I even got decorative holidays bowls to put them in. Well, when I was leaving she told me take what was left home with me, she had too much in her house. Well, I did. I cant bring myself to throw them out, so I have been eating them. I dont normal have stuff like this in the house and if I do, I have better control over myself. I still have my daughters Halloween candy that I havent touched.

You dont sound like a broken record, your are right, therapy. I did try a new therapist but feel like the words were just coming out with no feelings behind them. So I went back to my old therapist just before the holidays. She told me, she has done all she can do for me, her job is done. I feel like I have lost all hope. Ive push so many people away, just when I need them to hold on to me the most.

I do know, deep down I should go back to therapy, I really need help with sorting all these feelings out, especially all that has come up since my therapist told me she was done with me. I dont have the strength anymore. I will get through this alone and tomorrow will be another day to possibly try.

I got home from work today, I started eating cheese and triscuits then moved onto M&M with peanuts, I finally stopped. Now, Im beating myself up for eating them. I know its not much I just feel like Im not going to stop. I still cant believe that in three months I gained so much weight back. Its really really bothering me. My sister said to me, you did before(losing the weight), you can do it again. Im obsessing over any food that goes into my mouth. I know why Im doing it, Ive done it before. I just feel such a failure that Im giving up trying to lose the weight, that all I do is eat and say to myself who cares. I have no one to really talk about it with, which is my fault also. On my way from work I was getting urges to cut and thinking of how I could do it, what do I have at home, where, how far, how deep, would it help. I really just want to crawl under a rock but at times want so much to try and talk about it but with Who? I dont know what to do, I dont understand why Im feeling like this.View Thread

I dont know what answers Im looking for. The first thing that came to my mind when I saw that question was "Who am I?".

Processing what I had discussed in session, I always find myself thinking about it for a few days after. I dont journal anymore, I find it hard to write what Im feeling. It gets all jumble in my head. I need to stop thinking so much, maybe let myself feel again.View Thread

I have gotten so close to core of things but I never will be home. I stop myself from crying because it only hurts to know Im alone in my tears, there is no one there to hold me, to give me their shoulder to lean on. For me it is better not to cry then to feel my pain and then the pain of crying alone.

Once I get home, Im usually exhausted and sleep. I try to forget but I find myself processing things all over again until I finally give up, never finding the true answers, only ones I give myself to get passed the pain, then tell myself Im never going back.View Thread

On my way home I text her telling her how I felt, unsure of why Im crying. She text me back and said "I can not tell u exactly why you feel the way u do. Perhaps talking is allowing u to cry which is good but not while driving, pull over, breathe and email later, tell me what comes up.", I did email her, several times on how I was. She answered me few hours ago, it all really said was wish I could help you more. I really dont feel a session will help. I feel like Dorothy in the The Wizard of Oz, I dont think there is anything in that black bag that good help me. Im drained, really really tired, physically and emotionally. I feel really alone now and want to be left alone.

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