About Dough not Doe a Deer. D’oh!

Oh yeah, I was chasing down budgies in KMART. Now how many people do you know have ever done that?

After that stint of pretending to be a Safari Hunter I decided I needed a change. A change that would bring me to the next level of my career, a change that would build upon my already expansive Business Accumen, a change that would make me attractive to any sex.

I became…………hold on; a Cookie Baker or more technically a Cookie Baller.

Now before you judge me or become jealous, let me share with you how I go this job.

I applied for the job.

I had the experience as I ate cookies.

No one else wanted to be baking cookies at 3am in the morning on -38c days in a glass enclosed atrium with no heat besides the heat the ovens produced, and this would explain why my chefs hat (yes we had to where one) was always at attention. Go Joe!

This was the early 90’s so while baking I was listening to Bjork, Soundgarden, Nirvana and of course Robyn S – Show Me Love. Good times, great music and on a sugar rush; who could ask for anything more besides Toyota.

As much as this seemed to be a fantasy job for most, there were some challenges which I experienced for the first time.

I was not liked by the Group.

I did not fit in to their sub culture.

Was I confused? As to no matter what I did there was always a cloud over our conversations, a look on their faces of just shutup when I spoke, and that feeling of a Force Field between us.

How did I overcome this? Well, I didn’t and was transferred to another location.

This transfer was a blessing in disguise for many reasons:

I got to meet an Amazing Team

It was a much busier location

I did not see the sun for 10 hours a day.

Huh?

I was transferred to a dungeon of a store. This store was located in the bowels of the Montreal CentralCTrain Station which was a benefit due to the different customers you would meet daily, an amazing supply of rat crap, and the hell like heat that was always present. This was not a complaint, but more of a benefit due to not knowing what each day would bring. What type of frivolities can happen in a dungeon with searing heat and rats the size of a Kardashians ass, well,

My first day the Safe would not open until mid afternoon. The currency during that time was a smile and a joke.

You get to meet the most interesting customers. I will never forget this one; it was 540am on a Wednesday morning and I was listening to some George Thouroughgood on my cassette desk. As “Bad to Bone” was playing, a gentleman who looked liked Voldamort approached the counter, with a cigarette in his mouth, blowing smoke like a steam engine and looked at me and said in a gruffy Selma Simpson voice: “This cigarette, no filter, only real men smoke it”…..and with a puff of smoke he was gone. – True Story.

I stood there, looked at my co worker, nodded my head and went back to balling cookies.

We sold cookie bouquets that were delivered in boxes 3 feet long a 1/2 foot wide, were pink in color and looked just like Lincoln Logs. So what do 2 mature entrepreneurs do? Well we folded together over 250 boxes, not in anticipation for overwhelming orders, but to build a fort in the backroom from floor to ceiling. Who cares about the customers out front, it was fort playing time. The Store Manager did not find the humour in this, nor did she want to role play as the Princess from Mario Brothers; what a downer.

We were both transfered to the above dungeon level location. Was this a punishment? Nope, more of a relief as not only were we able to see the light, but this store was on the busiest street in Downtown. What did this mean? Well in Montreal, we first you get the sugar, than you get the women and the women in Summertime are well…what can I say….an attraction. Being 23 years old this to me was considered as a benefit and a reason to act stupid.

What is the definition of stupid. Well, mix 2 immature 6’2 guys who are downing sugar balls all day and are always in a horny state of mind, what could go wrong. How does trying to fit oneself into the cookie glass display (that was 4ft by 1ft) at the front of the store while training a brand spanning new female employee. It happened, but the reprecussions only came about 18 years later.

Did this involve a DeLorean, was there a phone booth anywhere? No, there was a Cat Lady who became one of the families closest friends.Was there any represuccions for trying to recreate a Houdini magic trick? No and I always wondered why. Well, it turns out that this Mystery Cat Lady was a so called Mystery Shopper Mole placed by corporate to report on us.

Yes, a mole in hole who was also a troll.

So, how did I find about this 18 years later? Well, during Breakfast at Downtown Restaurant out of nowhere she springs this upon Michelle and I. Why did she do this, Guilt! Ha! Well I guess the statute of limitations ran out on receiving a corrective action so she felt comfortable telling me.

Mystery Shoppers……are they necessary? Is advising me that if I tear the tag off my mattress I will be prosecuted necessary? Is it necessary to warn us on Tide washing machine Pods that they are not edbile. YES THESE WARNINGS ARE NECESSARY FOR IDIOTS LIKE ME…or any other guy or gal between the ages of 17-30 or the so called exploring years.

Why are they necessary? To keep us all inline and prevent us from playing outside the sandbox. Why do Employees decide they know best and should color outside of the borders? – Well, because:

They can since most of time they are not held accountable

No one explained to them the importance of playing nicely and

MOST IMPORTANTLY

3. There is NO SUSTAINED CULTURE or SHARED VISION.

Wow! I took a sharp left turn on this one! From baking cookies, to horny guys, to a Cat Lady, add in a Mystery Shopper and add some Culture and its the perfect recipe for a urinary tract infection.