Reporter rap: Illegitimate Super Bowl without the Cowboys?

Posted on Jan 16, 2017 at 5:22 p.m.

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Doug Wolter and Adam Watts

Breaking news: The Dallas Cowboys, “America’s Team,” will not play next month in the biggest game of the NFL season. The league’s big-whigs, the nation’s top advertisers, and Cowboy Nation are apoplectic. What are we to do?

The Super Bowl ticket resale market fell by as much as 20 percent minutes after the league’s favorite franchise lost to the Green Bay Packers 34-31 Sunday night in the NFC playoffs. The NFL could lose millions.

WOLTER: It’s sad. Just so sad. The NFL had been crossing its fingers that the Cowboys and the New England Patriots would meet in the Super Bowl this year, promising astronomical TV ratings. Never mind the fact that everybody outside of Texas and Boston hates them both.

WATTS: Good riddance. The Cowboys never should have even made it this far. Their big fancy billion-dollar stadium is more luxury hotel than an intimidating atmosphere. They thought they could scare Aaron Rodgers. What a joke. They fit over 96,000 people in there, but 96,000 people sitting on their hands isn’t scaring anybody.

WOLTER: Yeah, but it’s a shame the Super Bowl won’t have the Cowboys’ drawing power. At least we’ll get to see Lady Gaga at halftime, though.

WATTS: I bet Lady Gaga is a Cowboys fan. I wonder if she’ll even bother to show up now without the glitz and glam from Big D in the big game. I hope the league still has Bruno Mars’ phone number, they may need to call him to come do the halftime show for the third time.

WOLTER: The worst thing about all this, of course, is that for the next three weeks we won’t get to hear any more fawning from ESPN about how great Dak Prescott and Ezekiel Elliott are, and whether Tony Romo will get onto the field. And we won’t get to wonder what owner Jerry Jones will do to mess up the team at least until next August. This is terrible. We don’t get nearly enough tabloid news about the Cowboys.

WATTS: If I hear the name Tony Romo one more time, I might throw up. He’s not even a has-been. He’s a never-was. And don’t get me started on those repugnant rookies. Can you say “overrated?”

WOLTER: Yes, I can say it. But I’m not sure you understand the significance of a Cowboy-less Super Bowl this year. According to the experts, the Cowboys single-handedly saved the NFL this year when its ratings were tanking. I know the league likes to change its rules a lot. So maybe they should consider a new rule giving the Cowboys an automatic berth into the Super Bowl game, and just hold the playoffs for the team that gets to face them. Sound fair?

WATTS: That sounds like a terrible idea. The NFL has survived for the last 22 years without the Cowboys in the Super Bowl, I think they’ll make it this time. They’ve barely even been relevant since 1995. How soon we forget the Quincy Carter era. Yikes. I’m surprised they have any fans left at all.

WOLTER: Oh, they have fans all right. It doesn’t matter how good the Cowboys are on the field; they’re like everybody’s favorite stock. Consider network sports’ No. 1 Cowboys fan, Skip Bayless. Poor Skip. Is he going to have to go into rehab?

WATTS: Who? Skip Bayless? Isn’t he that guy that used to be on ESPN? Whatever happened to him? I heard a rumor he was on some second-rate network hosting a show with Shannon Sharpe. He isn’t good enough to be on “the worldwide leader,” and his team isn’t good enough to make the Super Bowl.

WOLTER: Well then, I suppose we’ll just have to press on. I guess, if we were to put a positive spin on this debacle, we could say that the four remaining Super Bowl contenders are pretty darn impressive. You’ve got Atlanta, which has one of the most prolific offenses the NFL has seen in years. You’ve got Green Bay, which has one of the greatest quarterbacks of all-time, Aaron Rodgers. You’ve got Pittsburgh with Ben Roethlisberger and the “Killer B’s.” And you’ve got Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, and the Patriots, as always. Pretty good teams, even though they’re not America’s Team.