I was in an institution where everything was handed down and when we weren't we didn't have much money anyway.

Undies that look good and feel good and aren't worn to the woof aren't a fetish. It's perfectly normal and human to want to look and feel good. I've been "auditioning" new styles for a few weeks to see what I like the feel of. My black Calvin's are soon to be history.

-efm

_________________________Everybody here's got a story to tellEverybody's been through their own hellThere's nothing too special about getting hurtGetting over it, that takes the work

I'm curious to know what everyone else experienced - everyone I've asked about this goes "No way - I always had new skivvies." I can't tell if my parents were apathetic or ignorant about this or what.

I have two brothers (and a sister), and the way the clothes washing worked in my house was everything gets chucked together, so we'd often end up wearing some of the same stuff. We are around the same age but obviously i was always smaller as the youngest so i'd wear underwear that they once wore or grew out of (they weren't dirty or anything though). I never really had many clothes just for me, they were always old clothes from my brothers or sister, or from friends of the family. I did have some nice clothes i liked though, i liked track-suits at one point. Sometimes i'd be wearing a t-shirt out and a friend would recognise it as an old piece of clothing of his (i was small for my age so my friends had always grown out of clothes that would fit me), i didn't find that difficult or embarassing though, it was fine, it was just how it was.

I still remember some of my favourite underwear, is that weird? i liked the white pair with little carrots all over them (looney tunes) and also the jurassic park one with T-rex on the front. I had some of my old underwear a few yeas ago, somehow it had just never been chucked out. I got rid of them since though because although it was amazing to see how small they were i thought it would be weird to keep them. I have other items of clothing from when i was young though to remind me how small i was and that it couldn't have possibly been my fault.

I discovered the freedom of having a little money, and so i have come to like buying underwear. I think it is just about feeling good about yourself. It is not so much about re-discovering a healthy sexuality, for me it is just realising that i have the freedom to own my own body and to dress in a way that i like, including my underwear. It isn't for anybody else to look at or anything, it is just for me. It is good to do things for yourself. Just because underwear is a piece of clothing that covers your private parts it doesn't make it weird to like to wear nice looking and comfortable ones.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.

When I was younger I got hand me downs but things would disappear once they got to me after the abuse started (got in trouble for that too), it was my job to have to hide all the evidence. I'm so embarrassed to buy them now that I have to ask a friend to buy them for me or at least go with me but I can't face the check-out person even in the self check-out because they're watching. I can't really handle being in a store by myself anyway.

Again more issues that I never had in the past.

I don't know why I felt like writing this. Embarrassed right now

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6? ...then there's me the imaginary number

You're definitely not alone, Shaun. I've got a drawer full on nice boxer briefs. New or in really good shape. No holes, runs, or tatters. I don't need as many as I have but damn If I'm gonna ever look in that drawer and find nothing there!!!

_________________________“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

If you're facing some sort of compulsive behavior, don't just engage in it. Realize you're engaging in a battle with yourself, and these wars aren't winnable. Try to break it down and find what it is that you're REALLY looking for. There's a reason for it, and more than likely it's a good reason that's just being fulfilled in an unhealthy way.

For instance, fetishes are generally not about the items themselves but what they have come to mean to the person. A pair of underwear is nothing exceptional all by itself, so the question is, "what does it REPRESENT to you?"

Did someone you admire in some way wear a certain brand or size? Are you connecting attributes of that person (maybe someone who was popular, good-looking, the kind of guy you "wanted to be" and so on) to them? If so, it's likely that once you make the connection and see that it's a misdirected sexual or self-esteem issue, the compulsion may well go away all by itself.

Instead of attaching sexual feelings to the object of the fetish, like a pair of underwear, you'll be able to say, "Aha-- that's not what I'm looking for at all!" and let it go.

So, (1) admit you're looking for something that the compulsion seems to offer, (2) really break it down to see just WHAT it is that you're seeking, and (3) see if there is another, more healthy way to find what it is you are truly looking for. Survivors live in a very fluid, confusing world, and what looks like an apple is often an orange. Hope this helps.

Addressing kink shame is important, especially for survivors... I think that fetishes, if they are expressed consensually with clear communication and 'above-ground', are not shameful at all... many people have underwear fetishes, foot fetish, clothing, handcuffs, bondage, etc etc etc... it's OK to have fantasies and desires... I have learned to feel good about myself and my own unique sexual expression... informed consent is key... then you keep yourself and whomever you are sexual with out of harms way...

for example nowadays i regularly tell people that i love seeing guys in down jackets and rain coats... it can be such a turn on for me... i don't have an issue with that anymore... i'm simply open about it, if anyone wants to know. and i'll tell a guy he looks gr8 in that jacket... no problem!

I guess my point is, if you're facing some sort of compulsive behavior, don't just engage in it. Try to break it down and find what it is that you're REALLY looking for. There's a reason for it, and more than likely it's a good reason that's just being fulfilled in an unhealthy way. I was able to break this compulsion without a T, and if I can, so can others.

i think you have a good point here. i used to have a huge phobia of wearing clothes that belonged to other people - hand-me-downs, 2nd-hand, borrowed - whatever. i have traced it back to the fact that when my mom married the step-dad, we moved into his house - full of all the things that had belonged to his original family - who were dead. i slept in his dead son's bed, played with his toys, played his trumpet, etc. whenever i wore the clothes that were not mine - it made me feel like i was disappearing and did not exist any longer.

later - i took the opposite approach - i would borrow (sometime without the owners' knowledge) clothes that belonged to boys that i admired or wanted to be like. i never kept them - but it made me feel like i was taking on some of their attributes - like i was becoming them for just a little while.

thanks for your post, gs - it helped me put it into clear thoughts and words.

LEE

_________________________
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho

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