Thursday, June 26, 2014

If I wasn't so anal-retentive, I would have skipped doing a review of the third chapter in the Findlay's Flesh Trilogy all-together, and gone done something more productive. (Like what?) Oh, I don't know, I could always alphabetize my prized collection of Russian flags. Of course, I would put them in three separate groups (I'm no idiot): And they would be organized as such: Republics (including Mordovia and the Udmurt Republic), Krais (featuring the Kamchatka Krai and the Krasnodar Krai), and, my personal favourite, the Oblasts, baby (a group that boasts the Kaliningrad Oblast and the Kostroma Oblast). (But you don't have a Russian flag collection.) Whatever, man. The point I'm awkwardly trying to make is this: I don't want to review The Kiss of Her Flesh, the third chapter the epic story of a man determined to murder every single woman on Earth. I know, why wouldn't I want to a review movie where a woman is killed by poisonous sperm? It's simple, really. Anyone care to guess as to why? Damn, am I that predictable? You're right, though, the film's total lack of stockings, garter belts and high heel shoes sent me into fetish-based tailspin. If I was sitting in the audience at one of the 42nd Street cinemas that was showing this movie in pre-Jimmy Fallon New York City, I would have jumped to my feet and started yelling obscenities like a half-crazed lunatic. (You wouldn't do that.) Oh, wouldn't I, eh? (That's right, you wouldn't.) You know what? You're probably right, I wouldn't do that. But you can bet your bottom dollar that I would be sporting an annoyed expression on my face for the rest of the day.

It wouldn't have been such a big deal if the previous chapters hadn't been so robust in the lingerie department. Actually, if you think about it, it's my fault for assuming the third and final chapter in the trilogy would be filled with stockings and garter belts. Either way, the moment it finally dawned me that there would be no go-go dancers wearing stockings and garter belts in this movie whatsoever was so depressing. In fact, just thinking about that moment makes my heart sink, as I was ultra gung-ho to watch this movie. You should have seen me, I was literally bouncing off the walls with anticipation.

(No stockings or garter belts, you say?) Yep. (What about panties and bras?) Yeah, there's some of those. (Why don't you talk about them?) I have no interest in bras. And the cut of the panties featured throughout this film failed to meet my frightfully specific pantie needs. You see, I have this pantie itch, and The Kiss of Her Flesh repeatedly dropped the ball when it came time to scratch it.

(What about poison sperm? That sounds intriguing.) Yes, yes, yes, poison sperm! And get this, Richard Jennings (Michael Findlay) doesn't just poison his sperm after he's ejaculated it... (Don't tell me...) You got it, he has somehow managed to make his sperm poisonous. Meaning, it's always poisonous. Let's say you're giving Richard Jennings a blow job, and you're the kind of person who prefers to swallow (no fuss, no muss). Well, you didn't just ingest sperm, you ingested poisonous sperm! (Even though you didn't really need to explain that part in such lurid detail, I dig your enthusiasm.)

The cool thing about the poisonous sperm scene is that it's immediately followed by an acid douche. And, yes, it's as painful as it sounds.

I just remembered that I usually comment on the film's the opening credits at around this time. And just like, The Touch of Her Flesh and The Curse of Her Flesh, The Kiss of Her Flesh goes that extra mile to make their opening credits somewhat memorable. While not as clever as the previous opening credits sequences, the credits appear on lip-shaped pieces of paper that are placed all over Uta Erickson's naked body. If you were to corner me in alleyway and ask me what my favourite opening credits sequence out of the three would be, I would have to say, the one from The Curse of Her Flesh; the sound of freshly urinated piss cascading against cheap porcelain made my spirit soar.

Quirky fun-fact: The man kissing Uta's flesh is none other than Earl Hindman! You know, the guy who played Tim Allen's neighbour on Home Improvement. I never watched the show, but I know enough about it to know that only the top part of his face ever appeared onscreen. Well, in The Kiss of Her Flesh we get to more than the top of his face; Uta crams a string of beads up his ass, and then slowly pulls them out.

While gathering fire wood near a snowy beach somewhere in New England, Richard Jennings stumbles upon Cleo (Donna Stone), a thick brunette. Grabbing the nearest weapon he can find (a tire iron), Jennings hits her over the head with it.

"I do a service to all mankind with every Jezebel I kill," sneers Jennings, as he removes Cleo's clothing.

Tying her to the kitchen cabinets, Jennings proceeds to torment Cleo with a lobster claw (scratching her cleavage in the process). After he's bored with doing that he grabs a knife and says, "Let's cut away these underpants to more easily get at the source." It should be noted that Jennings uses tongs to aggravate her thighs as well. Tired of messing around, Jennings hooks Cleo up with wires and begins electrocuting her using what looks like a car battery.

Meanwhile, somewhere in New York City, Maria (Uta Erickson) and Don (Earl Hindman) are busy groping one another. As I already stated, Maria shoves beads up Don's ass. So, instead of rehashing that part, I'll mention that Maria has a scab on her left knee and we see Maria's pubic hair, something we have yet to see in The Flesh Trilogy. It's true, we get a hint of Cleo's bush during the lobster claw scene. But like I said, we only get hint of it. In the scene between Maria and Don, we get full bush.

Getting a call from her sister telling her that someone electrocuted her one of her friends, Maria knows it has to be the work of Richard Jennings. Determined to stop his reign of terror, Maria hops on the next train to New England to confront Jennings and, if she has time, have sex with her sister. Knocking on... (Wait a minute, did you say, sex with her sister?) Is that not normal? (I don't want to sound like a prude, but, yeah, it kinda is.) Well, Maria and Doris (Suzzan Landau) don't seem to think so.

Knocking on the door of her sister's house, Maria waits outside as her sister gets up to answer it. (Where are you going with this? Oh, no. I don't tell me... you dug the way she got up to answer the door, didn't you?) You got that right. In the film's sexy moment, Doris, who is knitting with her legs crossed, hears a knock at the door, gets up and totally answers it.

It wouldn't surprise me to learn that Doris knit that short dress she is wearing. Unfortunately, they never imply that she knit it herself. Though, the fact that Doris is a knitter, has lead me to believe the chances that she makes her own clothes are pretty high. Anyway, while I would love to tell you what kind of panties Doris is wearing, I can't because the garment she is wearing is too thick (maybe someone should go easy on the yarn... Doris, perhaps?) Nonetheless, I'm sure we'll find out more about her panties soon enough.

And wouldn't you know it, after some perfunctory sister-on-sister chit chat, Maria and Doris head upstairs for some not even close to being perfunctory sister-on-sister cunnilingus. "No one but you can satisfy me," Doris coos to her sister as she gingerly removes her black lace panties. I'm sure am glad she said that using her indoor cooing voice, as Mona (Janet Banzet), her under the weather lesbian lover, might have overheard her and taken offence (she's recovering from the flu in the room next-door).

What's next? Well, you're just going to have to watch yourself. Okay, I'll give you a hint: Jennings plays doctor. But be warned: There are no stockings, garter belts or high heels whatsoever in this film.

All right, that about does it. Oh, before I go, here are my "Top 10 Murder Techniques Implemented by Richard Jennings in The Flesh Trilogy" -- 1) Poison semen; 2) Acid douche; 3) Lobster claw/tongs/car battery; 4) Poison cat paws; 5) Blow torch; 6) Poison g-string; 7) Table saw; 8) Blow gun; 9) Poison rose; 10) Knife stab. Ironically, four out of the top five murder techniques are featured in The Kiss of Her Flesh. So, what the film lacks in stockings, garter belts and high heels, it makes up for it in creative kills.