Newcomer in 2015 USG Presidential Race Promises to Fight for Your Right to Party

A junior student whose parents have been pressuring him to get involved so he’ll “have something worthwhile on his resume” has officially declared he is running for USG president. Brad Coleman, a transfer student from OU, made a public announcement via Twitter this weekend that he will enter the 2015 race.

“Vote 4 me 4 USg prez #brad2015 #moveoverBarack” was tweeted from Brad’s personal account at approximately 11:37 p.m. Saturday night. A follow up with Brad this morning confirmed that while he was “pretty drunk,” he is in fact running for the position. “I was totally about to be VP of Membership of my frat, but then that douchebag Craig started telling exec I was rollin’ on E at formal. So this was kind of a last resort.”

With his announcement of candidacy coming rather late in the election season, Brad will definitely encounter some tough competition. He joins a group of candidates that includes a kid who goes on BuckiServ trips and blogs about it, an award winning orientation leader who is credited with giving Cardale Jones a tour of campus that brought him to tears and convinced him to forgo the draft, and a former student council star who visits their high school regularly. When asked about his qualifications, Brad wasn’t afraid to be honest, “I know most of the other candidates are like, already in USG and like, have done a lot of shit. But I think I definitely bring something new to the table. Like how many of them can say they went to the same high school as MGK?”

After an hour-long interview which consisted mainly of us watching Brad practice his beer pong redemption shot, The Black Sheep was able to get the exclusive on this new candidate’s platform. Here’s what we found out:

1. Brad is all about that cash money. “For real though, ‘cuz [his] parents are both surgeons and rollin’ in dough.” He may have no problem paying his tuition, but he realizes not everyone is fortunate enough to have a timeshare in Hilton Head. For that reason, he’s ready to “fight the man” (President Drake, we assume) in order to create a free lunch program like the one they had at his elementary school.

2.Brad will abolish early classes.Having a tough time choosing between getting schwasty at Cantina on Thursday night or making it to your 8 a.m. on Friday morning? Brad thinks students shouldn’t have to make such heart-wrenching decisions. That’s why he’s aiming to abolish classes that have a start time prior to 12:30 p.m.

3.Brad will See to it that there are more snow days.A lot of us got pumped for a snow day when temps dropped to single digits last week, only to have our hopes crushed when we realized our school’s president is actually a vampire and therefore impervious to arctic temperatures. But if there’s one person who may be able to thaw the heart of Dr Drake-ula, it’s Brad Coleman! Brad is adamant about keeping students safe, which means if he’s elected president, classes will never occur when temperatures drop below 45 degrees.

4. Brad is all about keeping the Trap House free of anyone who isn’t “committed to #makinggains.”You ever get jacked up on pre-workout and head to the swole dome, only to find that all the machines are being used by a bunch of Michael Cera-lookin’ string beans? Talk about a NIGHTMARE! If you’re thinking about hitting up the RPAC to spend 15 minutes walking the track in cargo shorts, think again bro! Under Brad’s leadership, no one with a BMI greater than 6% will be permitted in the RPAC. The JO’s are fair game though, since “they don’t sell Muscle Milk there so it’s not a real gym.”

5.Brad is going to “revolutionize” sorority rush. Let’s be honest. We all know sororities on campus are out of control. Something has to be done. Brad promises to enact reform in the Panhellenic community by making it a requirement that all girls looking to rush must first demonstrate their crafting abilities by decorating a frat cooler. This would revolutionize the recruitment process and eliminate the threat that non-crafty girls pose to the unsuspecting sororities that get tricked into letting them become one of their sisters.

We believe Brad had many more issues that he wished to voice his opinion on, but unfortunately he had to end our interview early in order to make it to his shift of pledge hazing. Remember to get out to the polls and vote on election day! And as always, check back in with The Black Sheep as election season progresses for all your political news.

Ohio State

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