Best Left to the Professionals

Thank you for purchasing Having My Way With Words Publications’ ‘Sweet Mother of GOD: Why Folks in the Past Were Batshit Insane and Why Queefs Still Believe in Magic.’

Introduction

Constantly drawn towards the hidden forces of an unknown realm, we humans invent stories and folklore to satiate our undying lust for power over something. Perhaps this is one reason that shows such as American Horror Story: Coven are so popular. Finally, the holidays are over and we are reacquainted with our powerful heroines who can manipulate each situation to fit their darkest desires. Furthermore, HOLY SHITBALLS Jessica Lange defo deserved that Golden Globe. Even a man like me in his mid-twenties is wont to pine for legs that could pull off those heels and the attitude to match.

But I digress, divination is a tool that any witch/wizard worth her/his grain of salt will be most familiar with. Some may find their talent lays dormant, others will just out and out lie because they want to prove they’re better than other people or to make a shitwad of money off of emotionally confused mourners. I shall introduce to you some of the most ancient and forgotten forms of divination that go beyond tarot cards and crystal balls.

Types of Divination

alectromancy (from Greek alector, cock, and manteia, prophecy or divination) – for this powerful form of fortune telling all you need is a regular cock and a ring. Rim a ring in the dirt and then inscribe the alphabet above the line around the circle. Place a kernel of corn above each letter, ask a question to your cock, and watch as your cock furiously thrusts around the circle, gobbling up the corn, and ejaculating for emphasis until you have your answer. If the letters your cock selects do not make sense together, either talk for a lengthy period of time until you confound your querent with horseshit or proceed on to other means.

cephaleonomancy (from Greek kephale, head/skull/brain) – particularly useful when testing the guiltiness of someone. While broiling an asse’s head, read out the list of suspects’ names repeatedly until the jaw cracks thereby showing the guilty suspect. Especially effective when lingering over and taking excruciating care to enunciate clearly the surnames, middle names, and nicknames of the person whom you most vehemently hate from the list, all the while affixing as many terms of endearment to them as possible to flesh out the whole process. If an asse is not immediately available, try goat.

Some oracle, probably an oenomancer, divining the shit out of some questions.

oenomancy (from Greek oinos, wine) – where wine and its surroundings are studied thoroughly. Its flavour is studied, its sediment is studied, the pouring of the wine is studied, the cloth upon which the wine is spilled is studied. Interpretations will be more easily voiced and accepted by querents after said wine has been ingested and inebriation is in its final stages. Oenomancers are encouraged to cleanse their utensils thoroughly with vinegar as that store-bought shit just doesn’t fucking work on red wine. EVER.

taghairm (from Scott-Gaelic and interpreted as ‘spirit echo’) – ‘When any important question concerning futurity arose, and of which a solution was, by all means, desirable, some shrewder person than his neighbour was pitched upon, to play the part of prophet. This person was wrapped in the warm smoking hide of a newly slain ox or cow, commonly an ox, and laid at full length in the wildest recess of some lonely waterfall. The question was then put to him, and the oracle left in solitude to consider it. Here he lay for some hours with the cloak of knowledge around him, and over his head, no doubt to see the better into futurity; deafened by the incessant roaring of the torrent; every sense assailed; his body steaming; his fancy in a ferment; and whatever notion had found its way into his mind from so many sources of prophecy, it was firmly believed to have been communicated by invisible beings who were supposed to haunt such solitudes.’ (Dwelly’s [Scottish] Gaelic Dictionary, Edward Dwelly) Other versions of this ritual included roasting live cats for several days and summoning up a demonic spirit called Big Ears. Incidentally, most answers to the questions were, ‘Do you know, I’m not entirely sure if I give a fuck anymore. Fetch me some soap, you heinous twat.’

Epilogue

So there you have it. Go forth and test your newly acquired skills in prophecy, but beware; lesser informed individuals may not like you nancing about waterfalls, spilling wine, while roasting donkey heads, calling forth Big Ears, and waltzing your cock all over corn circles. These people are, however, probably just jealous or even insane. (Ironically, the suffix -mancy used above to mean ‘prophecy’ was also the word which spawned our words ‘mania’ and ‘maniac’. Co-incidence? You be the judge.)