[Central
Perk. Ross is showing his less-than thrilled friends, Joey and Chandler,
pictures of his new baby boy, Ben.]

Ross:
Oh look here is little Ben falling asleep. (looks at another picture) A little
bit later. (another picture) Is he going to sleep? (another picture) Is he gonna
sleep?(another picture) Is he gonna? (Joey and Chandler start to fall asleep.)
(another picture) Yup, out
like a light! (startles Joey
and Chandler who wake up instantly.) Look at that.

Chandler: Boy this sure
trumps the “Has He Pooped?” Series.

Joey:
Really, Ross, we love him ok? But right now he is just a little naked fat guy.
How excited can you get?

(The girls
enter)

Phoebe:
Hey!

All: Hey!

Phoebe:
What ‘cha got there?

Chandler:
400 pictures of Ben on a rug.

(Chandler
and Joey jump off the couch immediately as the girls rush and scream to see the
pictures.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there, Ross is showing pictures of
Ben to the girls.]

Ross: And here's little Ben nodding off...

Monica: Awww, look at Aunt Monica's little boy!

Phoebe: Oh, look, he's got Ross's haircut!

Rachel: Oh, let me see! (grabs picture) Oh, God, is he just the
sweetest thing? You must just want to kiss him all over!

(Ross is practically drooling over Rachel at this point.)

Ross: (quietly) That would be nice.

(Chandler, annoyed with Ross's fawning, makes a 'pfft' noise.)

Rachel: Pardon?

Chandler: Nothing, just a little extra air in my mouth. Pffft.
Pffffffft. (walks over to where Joey is seated)

(Joey is looking at his check.)

Joey: Hey, Chan, can you help me out here? I promise I'll pay you
back.

Chandler:
(looks up) Oh thank you God! This will bring us so much joy!

Joey:All right, come on you guys, it's not that big a deal. Really... I
mean, I just go down there every other day and... make my contribution to the
project. Hey, hey, but at the end of two weeks, I get seven hundred dollars.

Ross: Hey.

Phoebe: Wow, ooh, you're gonna be making money hand over fist!

Joey:
(sarcastically) That’s funny! Very funny!

Rachel: No
this is-this is really really great. I mean, I actually know somebody who loves
what they do.

Ross: Yeah,
but what do you do to unwind after a tough day at work?

(Joey gets up to leave)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are preparing for a barbecue
for Rachel's birthday.]

Phoebe: So how are things going with you two? Is she becoming your
(provocatively) special someone?

Joey: I don't know, she's, uh.... she's pretty great.

Monica: Yeah? What does she think of your little science project?

Joey: What, you think I'm gonna tell a girl I like that I'm also
seeing a cup?

Monica: Man's got a point.

Joey: Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex
with me.

Chandler: Crazy bitch.

Joey: Yeah, well, I still got a week left to go in the program, and
according to the rules, if I want to get the money I'm not allowed to conduct
any... personal experiments, if you know what I mean.

Monica: Joey... we always know what you mean.

[Time lapse. Chandler and Joey are making the fire, Monica and Phoebe are
inside. Ross enters, carrying luggage.]

Phoebe: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Ross: Hey. (Phoebe sees his bags)

Phoebe: How long did you think this barbecue was gonna last?

Ross: I'm going to China.

Phoebe: Jeez, you say one thing, and...

Monica: You're going to China?

Ross: Yeah, i-it's for the museum. Someone found a bone, we want the
bone, but they don't want us to have the bone, so I'm going over there to try to
persuade them to give us the bo—it's—it's a whole big bone thing. Anyway, I'm
gonna be gone for like, uh... like a week, so, uh, if you wanna reach me, y-you
can't. So here's my itinerary (hands a sheet of paper to Monica). Um... here's a
picture of me... (hands it to Monica)

Phoebe: Oh, let me see! (takes the picture)

Ross: (to Monica): Could you take it to Carol's every now and then,
and show it to Ben, just so he doesn't forget me?

Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store,
and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my
grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered!

Chandler: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane? (pats his
Travel Scrabble game)

Phoebe: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune.

Monica: I can't believe he did this.

Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in
love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?

(Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross's
crush on Rachel. You can hear this entire classic scene by clicking here.)

Phoebe: Nuh-uh. I don't think any of our lives are ever gonna be the
same ever again.

Chandler: OK, is there a mute button on this woman?

Monica: I think this is so great! I mean, you and Ross! D-did you have
any idea?

Rachel: No! None! I mean, my first night in the city, he mentioned
something about asking me out, but nothing ever happened, so I just... (to
Joey): W-well, what else did he say? I mean, does he, like, want to go out with
me?

Joey: Well, given that he's desperately in love with you, he probably
wouldn't mind getting a cup of coffee or something.

Rachel: Ross? All this time? Well, I've got to talk to him. (gets up
to leave)

Chandler: (quickly) H-He's in China!

Joey: The country. (Rachel gives him a blank
stare)

Rachel:
Well did his flight leave yet?

Chandler:
Are you kidding? He’s at a seat watching a woman do this. (waves arms like a
stewardess)

Joey: He's right, cause if you're just gonna, like, break his heart,
that's the kind of thing that can wait.

Monica: Yeah, but if it's good news, you should tell him now.

Rachel: I don't know. Maybe I'll know when I see him.

Phoebe: Here, look, all right, does this help?

(Phoebe gets up, holds the picture of Ross up to her face.)

Rachel: Noooo... look, all I know is that I cannot wait a week until I
see him. I mean, this is just too big. Y'know, I just, I've just gotta talk to
him. I... I gotta... OK, I'll see you later. (opens door)

Chandler: Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first! (she leaves)

[Scene: Airport, Ross has headphones on, and is listening to a 'How To Speak
Chinese' tape. Occasionally, he makes an outburst in Chinese in accordance with
the tape. He is getting on the jet way. The flight attendant is there.]

Ross: (something in Chinese)

Flight Attendant: All right!

Ross: Ni-chou chi-ma! (walks onto jetway)

(Rachel runs into the airport, trying to catch Ross, moving people out of the
way.)

Rachel: Ross! Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me....

(Rachel gets up to the jet way.)

Flight Attendant: Hi!

Rachel: Hi.

Flight Attendant: May I see your boarding pass?

Rachel: Oh, no, no, I don't have one. I just need to talk to my
friend.

Flight Attendant: Oh, oooh. I'm sorry. You are not allowed on the jet
way unless you have a boarding pass.

Rachel: No, I know, but I—he just went on. He's right there, he's got
the blue jacket on, I... can I j-just...

Flight Attendant: No no no! Federal regulations!

Rachel: OK, all right, OK, um... then could you please, uh... just
give him a message for me? Please? This is very important.

Flight Attendant: All right. What's the message?

Rachel: Uh... I don't know.

[Cut to the Jet way, the flight attendant enters, walks past Ross, and
approaches an older man with his wife who is also wearing a blue jacket.]

Melanie: Oooh, I gotta tell you... you are nothing like I thought you
would be.

Joey: How do you mean?

Melanie: I don't know, I-I guess I just had you pegged as one of those
guys who're always 'me, me, me.' But you... you're a giver. You're like the most
generous man I ever met. I mean... you're practically a woman.

Joey:
(grins) You’re just saying that!

Melanie:
No.

(Joey hugs Melanie and mouths “A woman?”)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Monica, Phoebe, and
Chandler are there as Rachel enters.]

Monica:
So?

Rachel: I
missed him.

Monica and Phoebe: Oh I am so sorry.

Chandler:
That’s too bad.

Phoebe:
Yeah right!

Rachel:
You mean that?

Chandler:
(laughs)I really do. I can think about somebody other then
myself. All right I am going to bed. (gets up to leave) Happy Birthday, Rach.
Hang in there.

Rachel: Uh,
oh my god. All right, do you guys need help cleaning up this mess here? (starts
to clear the table)

Phoebe: Oh
that would be great.

(Monica and Phoebe stand behind her mouthing who
should talk to Rachel first.)

Monica: Uh, so, uh, Rach, uh... do you wanna save this wrapping paper,
I mean, it's only a little bit torn... so are you gonna go for it with Ross or
should I just throw it out?

Rachel: I don't know. I don't know... I thought about it all the way
there, and I thought about it all the way back... and, uh, oh, you guys, you
know, it's Ross. You know what I mean? I mean, it's Ross.

Monica and Phoebe: Sure.

Rachel: I don't know, I mean, this is just my initial gut feeling...
but I'm thinking... oh, I'm thinking it'd be really great.

Monica: Oh my God, me too! Oh! Oh, we'd be like friends-in-law! You
know what the best part is? The best part is that you already know everything
about him! I mean, it's like starting on the fifteenth date!

Phoebe: Yeah, but, you know, it's... it would be like starting on the
fifteenth date.

Monica: Another good point.

Phoebe: No, I mean, I mean, when you're at the fifteenth date, you
know, you're already in a very relationshippy place. You know, it's... you're
committed.

Joey: Oh, it was amazing. You know how you always think you're great
in bed?

Chandler: The fact that you'd even ask that question shows how little
you know me.

Joey: Well, it's like, last night, I couldn't do the thing that
usually makes me great. So I had to do all this other stuff. And the response I
got... man, oh man, it was like a ticker tape parade!

Chandler: Yes, I know, as it happens my room is very very close to the
parade route.

Joey: It was amazing! And not just for her... uh-uh. For me, too. It's
like, all of a sudden, I'm blind. But all my other senses are heightened, y'know?
It's like... I was able to appreciate it on another level.

Chandler: I didn't know you had another level.

Joey: I know! Neither did I!

Chandler:
(picks up a magazine) Hey, is something going on with O.J.?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, one week later. Monica is seated, Rachel comes
out of her bedroom.]

Monica: Hey, great skirt! Birthday present?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Oh, from who?

Rachel: From you. I exchanged the blouse you got me.

Monica: Well, it's the thought. Hey, doesn't Ross's flight get in in a
couple hours? At gate 27-B?

Rachel: Uh, yeah. Uh, Monica, you know, honey, I've been thinking
about it and I've decided this—this whole Ross thing, it's just not a good idea.

Monica: Oh, why?

Rachel: Because, I feel like I wouldn't just be going out with him. I
would be going out with all of you. Oh, and there would just be all this
pressure, and I don't wanna...

Monica: I am not 'so'! OK, I was a teensy bit weird at first, but...
I'll be good. I promise.

(Door buzzer goes off. Rachel answers it.)

Rachel: Who is it?

Intercom: It's me, Carl.

Rachel: C'mon up.

Monica: Behind my brother's back? (Rachel glares at her) ... is
exactly the kind of crazy thing you won't be hearing from me.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is seated, and the apartment is filled
with baskets of fruit. Joey enters, check in hand.]

Joey: Seven hundred bucks!

Chandler: All right, you did it! Do we have any fruit?

Joey: Man, hell of a two weeks, huh? You know what, though? I really
feel like I learned something.

Chandler: Really? So, you're gonna stick with this 'it's all for her'
thing?

Joey: What, are you crazy? When a blind man gets his sight back, does
he walk around like this? (Joey closes his eyes and walks around with arms
spread.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is having drinks with her date,
Carl.]

Carl: I'm just sayin', if I see one more picture of Ed Begley, Jr. in
that stupid electric car, I'm gonna shoot myself! I mean, don't get me
wrong... I'm not against environmental issues per se.... it's just that
guy!

(Rachel looks bored. At this point, Ross—a figment of Rachel's imagination—
shows up on the balcony and starts talking to her.)

Ross: No, no, no... why, because it might get weird for everyone else?
Who cares about them! This is about us. Look, I-I've been in love with you
since, like, the ninth grade.

Rachel: Ross, you're like my best friend.

Ross: I know.

Rachel: If we broke up, and I lost you...

Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What makes you think we're gonna break up?

Rachel: Well, have you been involved with someone where you haven't
broken up?

Ross: (pause) No. But... it only has to happen once. Look, you
and I both know we are perfect for each other, right? I mean... so, the only
question is... are you attracted to me?

Rachel: I don't know... I mean, I've never looked at you that way
before.

Ross: Well, start looking.

(They kiss. Ross walks away, and then fades out.)

Rachel: Wow.

Carl: Exactly! And you just know I'm gonna be the guy caught behind
this hammerhead in traffic!

Rachel: Right! You're right!

Carl: Heh... you know?

Rachel: You know what?

Carl: What?

Rachel: I forgot... I am supposed to pick up a friend at the airport.
I am so sorry! I'm so... if you want to stay, and finish your drinks, please
do.... (gives him her drink) I mean—I'm sorry. I-I-I gotta go. I'm sorry.

(Rachel leaves.)

Carl: But...

(Inside Monica’s and Rachel’s apartment. Rachel
walks over to her room. Monica is sitting in the living room.)

Monica: Hey
where you going?

Rachel: To
get Ross.

Monica: Oh
my god! This is so exciting!

Rachel:
(comes out of her room putting on the pin Ross got for her) I know. Monica,
listen, if you want the rest of my date, I’m not going to finish it.

Monica:
Rachel, he’s not a sandwich.

Rachel: I
know. He’s an investment banker with tickets to the opera.

Monica:
(waves to Carl outside) Hello!

(In the hallway. Chandler is about to enter his
apartment as Rachel is leaving.)

Chandler:
Hey Rach, where you going?

Rachel:
Airport!

Chandler:
Oh no no no, you can’t tell him. There is so much stuff I haven’t done in my
life. I haven’t watched Baywatch since they brought on Yasmine Bleeth.

Rachel: Ok
(clears her throat) Chandler, relax. This is a ‘good going’ to the airport.

Chandler:
Oh, oh, well then fly good woman. Fly like the wind.

Rachel:
(exits) I’m flyin’.

Chandler:
Don’t forget to tell him I’m the one who blew it. (to himself) Yes, another
successful case for the Love Doctor!

[Scene: Airport. Madonna's Take A Bow plays in the background as
Rachel waits at the gate with flowers.]