Wednesday, February 29, 2012

I want a boy. I have always pictured myself as a boy mom. I want to dress you and your brother in matching clothes and play trains and trucks and point out every airplane and firetruck I see. I want to pop popcorn and watch Cars between you two on the couch. I want to learn about all the comic book characters you may love and everything there is to know about the sports you may play. I want to take deep breaths when you bust a window playing catch and wait by the door outside the room you share listening to your giggles as you play with a flashlight under the covers before I come in and tell you it's time to go night-night. I want to teach you how to cook and do your own laundry so you can be a helpful husband one day. I want to cheer in the stands at every activity you participate in and look on disapprovingly while girls swoon over the kind, handsome Z brothers, because no young lady will ever be good enough for my boys. I want my breath to catch when I see you standing up for one another at each other's wedding. Oh, how I want a boy.

I want a girl. I want to dress you in smocked outfits and bishop dresses and bobby socks and patent mary janes. I want to brush your hair and paint your fingernails and toenails and scold you with a snicker for playing in Momma's makeup. I want to play baby dolls with you and buy you one of those adorable play kitchens. I want to see you giggling with your little girlfriends and hug you when you find out girlfriends can be mean to each other. When your heart is broken for the first time, I want to look you in the eye and say, "it will be okay" and hug you and reassure you that you're smart and beautiful. I want to help you build great self esteem and teach you compassion and generosity. I want to send you to your room when you try to wear a skirt that's too short and explain why I won't let you wear a two piece bathing suit (and when you tell me how unfair I am, I want to remember when I told my mom how unfair she was for saying the same thing to me). When you tell me you want nothing more than to be a wife and mother, I want to tell you that that is a wonderful decision and that you will be incredible at both. When you instead tell me you want to be a wife and mother and lawyer or doctor or teacher or nurse, I want to tell you that that is a wonderful decision, too. I want to practice restraint and let you be the woman God created you to be and not the woman I became or the woman I wish I became. I want to zip your wedding dress and tell you that I have never seen a more beautiful bride. I want to be by your side when you bring your firstborn home from the hospital and watch you when you fall in love with your child and realize that is how much I love you. Oh, how I want a girl.

So you see, little one, I can't lose. I want you so badly either way!

Here's what you're up to (17 weeks):

You weigh 5 ounces now (about as much as a turnip), and you're around 5 inches long from head to bottom. Your skeleton is changing from soft cartilage to bone, and the umbilical cord — your lifeline to the placenta — is growing stronger and thicker. You can move your joints, and your sweat glands are starting to develop.

These were my prayers for you:

That I'm just the momma you need. That I embrace all the ways you are different from and similar to your big brother. That you are developing well and go full term.