I’m awesome at changing diapers. I’m the master of peek-a-boo. Boo-boo kissing? Don’t even go there. Yep, after having three little ones, I know my way around a Gymboree.

But now that my daughter is about to turn six, suddenly I feel like a new parent all over again. Those same icky feelings I experienced when I gave birth have resurfaced: fear, doubt, anxiety. The tricks I’ve used to help her get through life up until this point, are failing me now. It’s as if suddenly the stakes are higher, and I’m having a hard time keeping up.

For instance, she came home recently and, in a heartbreakingly tiny, whisper voice, told me a kid in her kindergarten class said her nose was weird. “That’s silly!” I admonished her. One look in her sorrowful, and achingly dependent, little eyes told me that my standard-issue response wasn’t going to work the same way it had in the past, like when she was worried a monster was hiding in her bathroom.

Oh God, I thought. This is it. This is when I can really, truly mess her up.

Terrifyingly, she will remember everything that happens to her from here on out, and if I suck at handling it all. If I don’t pay her enough mind when she shows off a picture she’s colored, I could be scarring her for life. If I am too impatient when we are doing the math homework, she’ll probably end up a therapist’s couch one day recounting how I screwed her up, starting with subtraction problems.

It’s truly the scale of the issues we are facing that makes me feel most inadequate. What is the perfect thing to say when she tells me, through tears, that another kid on the bus didn’t want to sit with her? It feels so different from the problems we dealt with when she was little. Why can’t we just go back to when the goggly eye fell off of the paper plate fish she made at school?

Also, I feel like I’m out of my depth on a million big-kid parenting questions. Like, is it still okay for me to walk around naked in front of her? Are time-outs effective anymore? Is she ready for chores? Am I too hard on her with her homework? Am I too easy on her with opting out on veggies? AHHHH! Why does everything feel so much more serious all of a sudden?

I have no idea what I’m doing. And I hear it only gets harder the older kids get. So, please, help me! What is your best tip for parenting a big kid?

And, incidentally, should you need any advice on any stage before the age of six, I’m here.

7 Responses to Help! I don’t know how to parent a big kid

That made me tear up a little. You see I already did this once; with a 21 year old daughter, but I also have a 4 year old daughter and a 2 year old son! But with my 4 year old going to preschool now and going off to kindergarten next year, I am feeling the same anxiety. And realizing how truly fast life goes by!
But the only advice I can give you about raising a “big kid” is to just be there and keep talking to them. Even when you’re going through the jr high school years and it seems like she’s not hearing you. Because she is hearing you and deep down she knows you’re right-almost all of the time. And the next thing you know,the morning comes when she’s going off to college and you’re both crying in the driveway while packing up the cars and wondering where the years went. Sorry sidetracking, but being a mother is the job I was meant to do and all the memories that come with it are priceless. Good luck! It’s a beautiful bumpy ride that goes by too fast!

Bethanysays:

March 31, 2014 at 7:17 am

Exactly what Janice said. I’m starting over, but I have a 12yo son in 7th grade and a 9yo 3rd grader. You will not be able to fix all of their problems any more. Sometimes, they won’t be able to fix their own, even with yr encouragement and help. The important thing is to not dismiss their problems, but to acknowledge them (relative to their age, and the actual importance of the problem) and then listen. That listening bit will get more and more important as they get older, and you’ll need to do it later and later at night, somehow that’s when they feel most like sharing. Just like you adapted to her schedule and needs as a tiny one, you will do the same now. Being aware that you aren’t perfect, and asking forgiveness of her as necessary will go a long way in avoiding the extra baggage she doesn’t deserve. You’re on the right track now, and you’ll just keep getting better. I say your best years wither are ahead, not behind! It’s amazing to watch them become independent, incredible human beings!

I really feel like this too sometimes. We have a 12 year old, 9 year old and 3 year old. Every change is a change in parenting style. When my son started the 6th grade, it was really inappropriate jokes and starting an interest in girls. With my 9 year old, we are beginning to see the start of friendship cliques. I can identify better with other stages in life – so I totally know how you feel! The biggest advice I can give is to learn to apologize when you make a mistake and still continue to give lots of hugs, even though they might act like they don’t want you to. And be understanding, but still expect respect. It’s hard and I am terrible at it some days, but it’s worth it.

Taniasays:

March 31, 2014 at 11:53 pm

Sorry, I don’t have any tips but I do feel exactly the same way. I feel like I’m great at parenting from birth to 4 but once they start going to kindy, school it all changes.

My kids remember all my big mummy fails very clearly from the past. When they bring them up I try and remind them about all the other times I’ve hugged, kissed them, looked after them when they’re sick, all the fun happy times we’ve had together. I’m also very worried about screwing them up.

Angesays:

April 1, 2014 at 11:40 am

Ugh! I feel the same way. My daughter just turned six in Jan and wanted to have a big birthday party since I was going to get to be there this year(I am active duty military and was in Korea last year and Afghanistan the year before). She took her invitations to school and the first friend she gave her invitation to gave it back and told her she didn’t want to go to her party. She was so upset she didn’t give any of the invitations out. She didn’t even talk about it until the next day when I found the invitations in her backpack and asked why she hadn’t given them to her friends. I almost cried. Luckily I convinced her to get the invitations out and emailed all the parents (since kids are terrible about giving things to their parents that they are suppose to) and all her other friends showed up and she had a great birthday. But in that moment I had no idea what to tell her so I just gave her a big hug. What do I do in 6-7 years when it is a boy?!Ah!

Shannonsays:

April 6, 2014 at 7:04 am

My oldest will be six and November and I feel exactly the same way! Five and Six just sound so big! She is no longer a baby, she’s a full fledged kid.

I’m trying to approach everything with love and understanding. For now she needs hugs and needs to know that with her family and at home she is safe and loved no matter what. She needs to know that she is being heard and understood (even if we don’t always agree). I hope this love and support can carry her through life’s other ups and downs.

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