In two historic rulings Wednesday, the Supreme Court overturned DOMA based on equal protection and rendered Prop. 8 meaningless on a technicality. Why? Because SCOTUS, like the American public, was successfully mesmerized by a vast left-wing Hollywood conspiracy designed to do just that. Like vampiric Manchurian candidates, members of the high court rose up to judge as instructed, with Chief Justice Roberts and swing vote Anthony Kennedy cleverly covering their tracks by trading decisive majority votes. Brilliant.

How did it happen? Like everything important in America, it started on TV. Media watchdog GLAAD has spent more than a quarter of a century working with the entertainment industry to ensure authentic LGBT storylines. Following, an abridged list of the shows that brought us to this remarkable (and completely planned) moment in history.

Three’s Company, 1976

By featuring Don Knotts in leisure suits and ascots in this screwball sitcom, Americans were being primed for other wacky, actually gay neighbors. Also, John Ritter (pictured above with costars Joyce DeWitt and Suzanne Somers) played a straight guy pretending to be a gay guy, for the whole series. It was complicated.

Soap, 1977

By hypnotizing gay character Jodie (Billy Crystal, pictured) into thinking that he was a 90-year old Jewish man in the highly-rated series finale, creator Susan Harris proved to America that gays were no worse than Jews.

Dynasty, 1981

Gay spawn Steven Carrington (Al Corley, pictured)’s character served two important functions on the ’80s primetime soap. First, assuring Americans that there really is life after an oil rig explosion, and b) inuring them to the effects of recasting a main character, gay or otherwise but especially gay, with a less attractive actor through “plastic surgery.”

thirtysomething, 1987

This utterly boring, masturbatory baby-boomer drama from creators Marshall Herskovitz and Ed Zwick was the Trojan Horse deployed to show two gay men (David Marshall Grant, Peter Frechette, pictured) in bed together in the episode “Strangers.” Half the sponsors dropped out. Genius.

Tales of the City, 1993

The life, times and travails of the residents of Barbary Lane in San Francisco of all places was the cover used to recapture the PBS crowd after they discovered Julia Child was a big (and really tall) homophobe.

Will & Grace, 1998

Originally conceived by creators David Cohan and Matt Mutchnick as a German verb to describe the pacification of public officials (“And before he knew it, Joe Biden was completely willngraced”), the actual show was launched only after Wings producers turned down Matt Damon’s request for a gay-friendly cameo.

Dawson’s Creek, 1998

By threatening his younger brother with a gun in the first season for joking he might be gay, Pacey’s older brother Doug (Dylan Neal, pictured with Kerr Smith) proved to America and the NRA that even closet cases can handle firearms. By the series finale, Doug was yelling at old people about how gay he was which was totally embarrassing for everyone but the point had been made. Left unexplained: James Van Der Beek’s weird career trajectory the last couple of years.

Queer as Folk, 2000In a notable misstep, this classic British series of the same name was remade in America and set in Pittsburg. Popular exclusively at twink viewing parties, the show’s only lasting effect has been confusion over how Randy Harrison (pictured above) can still look like a high school student ten years later in Glee (although credited inexplicably as Chord Overstreet).

The Amazing Race, 2001

The emerging reality genre audience was the target when Jerry Bruckheimer cast “life partners” Joe and Bill (pictured) on the first season of the long-running Amazing Race. Their synchronized wine toast and head-turn in the opening credits paved the way for “married” couple Reichen and Chip to win the race three seasons later. The season 4 couple had rejected the label “life partners” and suggested “married,” though they legally weren’t. Bruckheimer and CBS chief Les Moonves went along. All part of the plan.

Desperate Housewives, 2004

Gay couple Bob and Lee moved onto Wisteria Lane during the 4th season. Though neither bore any resemblance to Don Knotts, Tuc Watkins (pictured with Kevin Rahm) may have sported a cravat once in Season 7.

Brothers and Sisters, 2006

In this ABC Housewives companion, producer Greg Berlanti cleared up any lingering doubts that gay couples (“brother” Matthew Rhys and boyfriend Luke Macfarlane, pictured) could be irrational, petulant and dogs. That’s a good thing, right? Also, they get married in Season 2.

Modern Family, 2009

From Steven Levitan and Christopher Lloyd, see above. And replace “dogs” with “neutered,” proving there are all kinds of gays, people, and no, you might not want to hang out with all of them. And that is a good thing.

Spartacus, 2010

“Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?” This homoerotic blood-and-sand cabler set the manscaping trend in motion, leading to the recent Philips Norelco “I’d f*ck me” TV spot. Wait, wrong conspiracy.

Smash, The New Normal, Go On, 2012

All NBC series about or featuring gay characters (such as Justin Barta and Andrew Rannells in The New Normal, pictured) and relationships premiering in 2012 and canceled in 2013 just to send conspiracy theorists off the scent. I liked Smash. There, I said it!

Behind the Candelabra, 2013

The coup de grace. This Steven Soderbergh masterpiece, with thrilling and honest portrayals by Michael Douglas and Matt Damon (pictured), just goes to show how marriage comes in many forms, for better or worse. “Why do I love you? I love you not only for what you are but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself but for what you are making of me.”

yaoming

What about the new show on ABC Family, Fosters, which highlights the main characters as a lesbian interracial couple!!

June 27, 2013 at 3:06pm

Boricuaex

You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me!? Those assholes thought that images like these were responsible for yesterday’s ruling? They may have a point, visibility is everything!!

June 27, 2013 at 3:06pm

B Damion

I wonder if this chubby femm man from a small town in connecticut will ever get married.
Growing up I always thought that marriage was for beautiful people. And in some ways I still do. Am I a little cray.. cray…?

June 27, 2013 at 3:06pm

PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID

C’mon, where’s Oz, or Six Feet Under? HBO deserves an article all by itself.

June 27, 2013 at 3:06pm

Katbox

Dynasty should really be removed from this list (period.)
It might have been ground breaking at the time- for 2-3 episodes, but they decided to nix it in favor of ratings.

June 27, 2013 at 4:06pm

MK Ultra

queerbec

Oh you forgot the very early days of the conspiracy when NBC decided to neuter Tony Randall’s character on “Love Sidney” just so the idea of a middle aged single man who wasn’t remotely sexually interested in his female neighbor could be surreptiously introduced into the American consciousness without anyone being the wiser. That he was played by the vaguely effeminate Tony Randall also helped the hidden message get across. Of course Randall, like every other actor of the period, lived under such a cloud of suspected homosexuality that he had to father a child at age 70 just to get other acting jobs. (A joke, kids). Another part of the conspiracy was the documentary “An American Family”‘which introduced a character so outrageous that many other families breathed a sigh of relief that their precious sons were not like Lance Loud, but nonetheless it started the process of families looking carefully at Junior’s behavior for even the subtlest signs. The documentary’s more evil conspiratorial role was to introduce the concept of reality television, which really should have been outlawed by the Supreme Court.

June 27, 2013 at 5:06pm

lab

sorry but where is ellen’s coming out episode….I thought I’d piss my pants after they gave her the toaster oven for signing up as gay…it was a perfect fuck you to the “homo agenda”

June 27, 2013 at 5:06pm

Niall

This just made me realize that out of all the portrayals listed, the only one I really enjoyed was ironically enough, Spartacus.

June 27, 2013 at 5:06pm

Hermes

I’m sorry to sound old and tired. But (you knew that was coming) a satire from the 1980s was used to “define” the gay agenda by the right for decades, and even read into the congressional record, minus the line where it said it was satire. In 2005 another piece came out called “the Gay Agenda” and I have had that quoted to my face by Right Wing activists as well. Why are we giving them more ammo? They don’t get satire, they don’t get us, and hatred gives them strength — STOP GIVING THEM HUMOR THAT THEY WILL TAKE SERIOUSLY. Please!

Thank you.

June 27, 2013 at 5:06pm

stanhope

Truly TinoTurner is blind as a bat. Jack Coleman bordered on ugly with a nothing body. Al Corley was HOT HOT HOT. He is almost as fine as Jan Michael Vincent in his heyday…almost and almost is quite good enough. Too bad, that as usual, no diversity is cited. Did Noah’s Arc never happen? Another day at the “races.”

June 27, 2013 at 6:06pm

lab

@Hermes: seriously? first the haters ain’t watching shows with gays and second…fuck them. some of these are dumb but I remember the first tv and movies with gays…it was a big deal and nw it is not. haters gonna hate and it is going to take time not ass kissing

June 27, 2013 at 6:06pm

Charlie in Charge

Great list though I was surprised Ellen and Star Trek Deep Space Nine were not included.

June 27, 2013 at 7:06pm

balehead

Spartacus was the only show on this list that mattered…

June 27, 2013 at 8:06pm

queerduck

strangers with candy, roseanne, golden gargoyles-i mean girls, degrassi, pbs’s airing of british shows, are you being served? plus allo, allo? and eastenders, can’t forget in living color…canada’s kids in the hall…to name a few.

DuMaurier

@TinoTurner: I think they got the Dynasty guys playing Stephen switched too, but only because the second one was handsomer in a more typical, mainstream way. But I remember his face as also extrememly bland and character-less, and I actually preferred the first one (neither was much of an actor, if I recall correctly)

June 27, 2013 at 10:06pm

Richard Meridan

The writer of this article probably thinks he’s being funny saying that all these shows were so bad, they couldn’t possibly have contributed toward changing the way the country views gay people. Not true. Despite his mean-spirited putdowns, nothing has more power to affect public opinion than the media. Take for example his remarks regarding Queer As Folk, which he calls “a notable misstep” and “popular exclusively at twink viewing parties.” Also not true. It was written in the press at the time that the majority of viewers were actually straight women. But hopefully “twinks” — a demeaning expression used to stereotype young gay men — are watching the show. If so, they will see gay people presented as brave, unapologetic, free of shame and guilt, being openly and even defiantly sexual — instead of portrayed as neutered buffoons for the amusement of straight people and uptight gay men. They will see issues that were seldom if ever addressed on television before or since: gay bashing, drug addiction, living with AIDS, gay marriage, gay parenting, parental rejection, religious bigotry, political oppression — and always the reminder to practice safe sex. And all this was done in a time when George W. Bush was proclaiming from the Rose Garden that he would change the Constitution of the United States to ensure marriage was only between a man and a woman, when DOMA and Don’t Ask-Don’t Tell were still the law, when sodomy laws like Lawrence v. Texas had yet to be struck down. I’d say that was a pretty “notable” — and courageous — step toward changing the perception of gay people. So my question to the author of this article, in defense of every television show that he mocked is, “What noteworthy contribution have you made?”

June 28, 2013 at 6:06pm

Gryphun609

This article is just fucking stupid. Somebodys’ been watching too many soap operas.