2015 Golden Globe Awards

You know, award season is just about the only time that I regret not having cable. I really do enjoy watching award shows. Meh, I can watch the important parts off the net but sometimes I wish I had the whole she-bang to knock out in like three hours while folding clothes or writing this gem of fashion literature. What did ya’ll think about Tina and Amy’s opening monologue? They killed it. If you missed it, here it is:

Here are some highlights about what I saw on the red carpet Sunday night:

Peeps brought their A-game to the show

Stunning colors all around

Drapes are all the rage

Lots of fashion risks that didn’t pay off

Lets dive in and get going. We have a long blog ahead of us and it’s gonna be a doozy. Don’t forget to put the coffee pot on. I’d hate for you to nod off in the middle of a snarky comment.

#TheDrapeCouture

Amanda Peet

You know, if I remember correctly, this style was pretty popular back in the 80s. I hate it. It looks like a bunch of sheets just hanging off two oil filters.

Kristen Wiig

Is this gown a joke? A big, slouchy joke? Speaking of slouch, you are starting to get Gwyneth Paltrow’s posture. Throw those shoulders back and be proud of the funny lady that you are . . . but lose the dress.

Lana Del Rey

This chick annoys me.

Maura Tierney

#OnGuard!

Allison Janney

How quickly they fall. From my number one pedestal to THIS. **sigh** It’s ok. I still love you in pretty much anything you have ever been in. So it all evens out in the end. By the way, you should totally buy that dress you wore to the People’s Choice Award in every color and wear them every where.

Jemima Kirke

Have you ever seen that awesome movie from the 80s called BeastMaster? Rip Torn STILL gives me nightmares throwing toddlers into a pit of fire. Super weird. If you have, then you would probably remember those monsters that pop up and spread their veiny wings and wrap them around the enemy in front of them. They jiggle them and after they are done a bunch of goo and bones fall out of their embrace. Yea, that’s this dress. Here’s a picture of those monsters for comparision:

I know…. Right??????

#IJustDon’tGetIt

Taryn Manning

Does this look like aluminum foil colored with a permanent marker? Thought so.

Patricia Arquette

This dress would be great without the obnoxious bow. Congrats on your win though! You are one of my favorites and any awards you get are LONG over due. For the record, here is my all time favorite moment in Medium:

Michelle Monaghan

Super boring dress and the camera totally caught a weird expression. “ Hate it when that happens.

Emily Blunt

I love you. I really really really love you. Hate the cut out. Other wise this would be a decent dress. I just don’t get it.

#NoLoveForTheBoobies

Rosemund Pike

I actually feel sorry for your boobs in this dress. Knowing that you juat gave birth like a month ago and here you are looking flawless with your makeup and hair, I know you MUST be so excited to get out of the house. However… your poor boobies are unsupported and just left hanging. That can’t feel good. This dress wasn’t a good choice, and you know it.

Sienna Miller

I’m just not into these dresses that absolutely hang without any purpose. Also, the boobies look a little wonky… like two tiny wilted peaches screaming for attention.

#NoSparklyScarfCanSaveThisFrock

Melissa McCarthy

You have been on such a roll these last few awards shows. Now, you show up in this. Back to the drawing board.

Modest Mouse Award

Felicity Jones

What a completely respectable gown. The color is a little meh … but not completely upsetting or irritating to the eye.

Most Improved

Anna Faris

Thank GOD. That last number you wore was atrocious. Love the color.

Heidi Klum

It’s a little pageant like, but you know what? You look great. I love the hair, the color and the makeup. Congrats!

Lena Dunham

You know, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You look in the mirror and see a beautiful red gem of a ballgown. I see a red satin comforter that you cut arms into and shaped it like the liberty bell. Still better than all the gowns you’ve worn before. Pretty smile though!

#FuhGetAboutIt!

Kiera Knightly

“‘Ello, my name is Kiera Knightly. I love to wear coffee filters on top of me dress what’s made of me butterfly sheets. I’m so pretty!”

In comparison the collar of this dress reminds me of this lady who purposefully took pictures in airplane laboratories finding all the different ways to turn napkins and toilet paper into outfits…Flemish style. Hilarious. See?

For more laughs.. check out the whole collection here. I love stuff like this.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

Tina, what is this? It looks like a dress from the Tweedle Dee collection. And Amy? Ew. Both of your opening monologue dresses were way better. Regardless, I ❤ you!

Claire Danes

WTF is this!?!?!

#ExceptionToTheRule

Emma Stone

I love this outfit. I think this is so EMMA. Glamorous and edgy. She looks great and it looks great on the red carpet. This is how you pull off a novelty outfit. Flawless. Congrats on your Oscar nomination EMMA!!!!!!!!!!

Timeless Beauties

Amy Adams and Diane Krueger

Both of these ladies just scream old school ALL the time. Tasteful, classic and beautiful.

Camilla Alves

Mrs. Mac is always impressive and so comfortable in her own skin. She runs circles as a “plus 1” around a lot of the people who are actually here for an award!

Cindy Crawford

One thing I like about you, is the fact that you dress perfectly for your body and for your age (unlike Heidi Klum… most of of the time). That’s why you are the original super model and always will be the BEST super model.

Honorable Mention

Laura Prepon

I love this. What a creative dress. It looks amazing on you and against your raven hair. Love it.

Gina Rodriguez

Interesting selection—and it looks gorgeous on you! I’m not into the bottom half that much, however, it is unique and you pull it off pretty well. Lovely hair and congrats on your win!!!

Allison Williams

I love this dress. Super gorgeous. I’m not into you or the weird head cocked to the side though. Keep your stylist though.

Kate Beckinsale

Love this woman. Isn’t she so beautiful? Love this color too!Kerry Washington

1)WTF is up with your shoes lady? Uhh… no matchy matchy or even cleverly mismatched. It looks like you walked out of the house without any shoes and those were the first you could find. 2) Your hair is a mess. Wear your hair like you do when you are portraying Olivia Pope… c’mon! It is a GOOD LOOK!!!! 3) Cute dress and completely respectable decision.

Best Dressed

Here it is ya’ll! SO many to get through. I’m having a hard time choosing my order. Ok… here it goes….

Greer Grammar

Ms. Golden Globe! You did us proud! Absolutely beautiful! I love this champagne color that people are wearing. It is so delicate and fresh!

Jenna Dewan Tatum

If a picture was needed for the term “exotic beauty,” Mrs. Tatum would be perfect. I love this yellow with her skin tone and her hair color. I love the lip color too!

Uzo Aduba

I love this on you! I love the neck and the exposed shoulders. Gorgeous!

Julia Louis Dreyfus

Elaine always knows what to wear! She knows what looks good on her and she knows how to take that look and make it her own.

Kate Mara

YES! Finally. Several reasons I am excited about your look. 1) YOU ARE SMILING. Holy moly, smile more often lady! 2) I love that you aren’t playing the “I’m so mysterious in ways you can’t possibly understand” chick on the red carpet tonight —that gets old 3) I love your hair! The color and the style. 4) I love this dress. Here’s why. I love the neck line. Gorgeous and so feminine! The belt long with the ruffles on the torso are a nice touch. 5) The COLOR. Red is your color Kate! Wear it all the time. Please. Awesome look.

Anna Kendrick

What a lady! I love Anna. She has come a long way since her Twilight days. I’m so excited for her and her recent roles! Back to the dress—how charming! This dress has a beautiful color contrast between the background color and the design. I love that her hair is pulled back and not distracting from the dress at all. Nice choice all around.

Lupita N’yongo

She is probably one of the most pliable celebrities on the red carpet. She can literally rock ANY kind of look. On the hanger I probably wouldn’t give this dress a second look. It would literally scare me with ruffles at the top. However, stick Lupita in it and it is stunning! You are such a beauty. You ruled my Best Dressed last season. It’s no surprise you are back on it this season!

Reese Witherspoon

Just like Julia Louis Dreyfus, Reese knows exactly what will make her shine on the red carpet. So in touch with what is what. She rarely has a misstep. She looks so statuesque!

Helen Mirren

What a lady! I love the beaded detail along the neckline. The color is exquisite and you looking frickin’ fantastic!

Naomi Watts

Such a movie star! I love the color, belt detail and necklace! I’m loving all these dresses that give off an old Hollywood vibe. That is what I want at these awards shows! These peeps are really bringing their A-Game!

Jennifer Aniston

Beautiful look for her. I love the sequined top with the fitted waist and high slit skirt. I feel bad for her getting snubbed on the Oscar Nominations.

…………………….TOP TEN……………………………

Viola Davis

Spot on. Great color, great hair, well made and complimentary. Love the whole package.

Amal Alamuddin

I love her. She’s beautiful. I love the gloves and her clutch. I love the scarf thingy however I found it HILARIOUS to see people trip all over it while she was walking down the carpet. Heckuva way to be introduced to Hollywood society. Strut strut..ugh I’m getting choked… strut strut. George Clooney’s acceptance speech was so sweet. What a lucky girl!

Jessica Chastain

I love this dress. Isn’t she just gorgeous? She does redheaded gals proud! I love the deep cleavage. The whole dress is sexy and so freakin’ tasteful. I love the color!! And her hair! She’s got some Bumble and Bumble going on. Also, I think it may be possible that she was a mermaid in a former life. Just a feeling I have.

Leslie Mann

Leslie is always a plus one at these award shows and like Camilla Alves, she is always STUNNING in her wardrobe choices. I love this dress. She’s got the body to rock it—and I love the contrast of the dress against the green earrings and green/gold clutch. BEAUTIFUL!

Salma Hayek

She looks like a billion dollars (probably because she’s a billionaire). Is it just me or is a belt accessorizing trend starting to form? Either way, I am loving it! I love the texture of this dress. Of course she always looks amazing. She’s very dependable on the red carpet.

Kelly Osbourne

I could be your best friend. I LOVE the way you absolutely own the red carpet. This dress is delicious! You look like a QUEEN in this gown. How absolutely gorgeous! The navy blue is so regal. Excellent choice! How long until the purple hair contract is up? I bet you are counting down the days!

Emmanuelle Chirqui

So shiny! So sparkly! Fits you like a glove. Excellent shoe and makeup choice. If I could I would wear this dress ALL DAY EVERY DAY as I take care of two toddlers under 4 and work from home at the same time…. not in heels.

Jennifer Lopez

A lot of people people have been giving J-Lo a lot of grief over this dress. I love it. It’s fresh and it’s not boring (J-Lo hardly ever is). She has got a banging body and she knows how to accentuate every inch of it. I love it. I love the cape and how relatively modest it is compared to a lot of previous dresses and it is STILL sexy and tasteful. Her hair is fantastic. Love it. A+

Kate Hudson

WOW! The dress speaks for itself.

Taylor Schilling

I absolutely hands down adore this dress!!! It is gorgeous. Amazingly enough it’s got a cut out in it— so that might seem hypocritical of me— but it makes sense. I love it! The color is gorgeous and I love the clean updo for the shoulder display. Absolutely perfect! Congrats at the top Taylor… you’ve never made one of my best dressed lists. Remember, it’s hard to make it to the top… the higher you climb, the harder you fall. Watch your step! Keep your stylist!

Well folks. That’s it for the Golden Globes! See you back for my next review of THE GRAMMYS!!!!

Wait…… hang on. Just a small shout out to Kathy Bates. Ms. Bates, you are awesome but for crying out loud…. Don’t ever ever ever agree to do any kind of accent ever again. It’s almost ruining American Horror Story for me like Christian Bale ruined The Dark Knight. Thanks.