insights to the world of an introvert

Tuesday, 4 April 2017

Dear duncs, not going to lie recently things have been
pretty crap, over the past 5 months I have lost pretty much everything but it’s
made me realise what we really are and who I am. When you no longer have the
things you thought defined you that’s when you really discover who you are,
because is what or who we have truly who we are? Why do we base our ideas on
who we are and what our purpose Is off the grades we get, the friends we have,
what other people think of us, our status, the mindless stuff we post on social
media, our plans and freedom and rambling thoughts? We are none of that. Loosing
lot of the stuff I thought made up my life is making me question what truly
determines who we are? Is it our weird little quirks, like how ill only watch TV
on an even volume number, or Is it our likes and dislikes, our opinions,
passions, desires or what drives us which states who we are. It seems like we
spend our whole lives searching for an answer, a statement which just spells out
what we mean as individuals; like some cryptic code, that maybe if we find out
who we are the universe will stop throwing these curveballs at us. We can keep
on loosing and loosing things, we can fall out with all our friends, fail every
test, abandon all our morals, lose all our faith, erase every positive memory
from your head yet you’re still here, breathing, your heart still pumping,
living, so where’s the line? when can we stop losing so we are just left with what
we truly are.

Is losing everything even such a bad thing? If you have
nothing you have nothing to lose you realise
at some point the risk to stay wrapped
up in your empty shell out ways the risk to bloom. Feeling like you have
nothing is a horrible place to be in. but it has taught me something, there is
so much more to life than now, we are always changing and evolving, trying to figure
out who we are is a waste of the people we all are. Sometimes having nothing is
a good thing because you can truly see how much there is to gain.

I’m going to end this here, stay safe, and calmer tan calm,
lots of love x

Thursday, 30 March 2017

There are over 7 billion humans on this earth and not one of
them is the same, that amazes me that every single person on planet earth is so
different, there are 7 billion brains floating around and there isn’t one matching
pair, its beautiful. Some differences are easy to spot, hair colour, height,
and race for example but some things which make us different we can’t see because
they hide themselves inside our brains, wrapped up tightly, fears, dreams, and
desires. The world Is an amazing and diverse place and the way we see the world
varies from person to person too, which is a little bit harder to understand,
like how some people see a glass half empty and some see glass half full, which
is bound to happen with so many interesting and complex brains in the world it would
be ridiculous to think they’d all see everything in the same way. Most of the
way we see the world is processed by our senses, sometimes our brains are wired
in a way where it confuses the senses and alters how we perceive the world and
read certain situations; this is called autism spectrum disorder. 1 in 68
people have Autism, this probably includes at least one person you know, yet few
people understand the challenges and triumphs of living with autism, which is
why it’s important to raise awareness and talk about it, this week is national
autism awareness week, and I want to share with you an insight to the beautiful
and complex brain of a person on the autism spectrum.

Having autism does come with challenges but it also comes
with some gifts as well, people on the spectrum usually have talent in areas
such as science, music, and mathematics, due to the very factual ay we see the
world, some of history’s greatest innovators were autistic, Albert Einstein,
Andy Warhol, and Mozart just to name a few. However, this can also have the
opposite effect, activities most people find incredibly easy a person on the
spectrum may find very hard, such as understanding sarcasm and making eye contact.
Everyone is very familiar with the five senses, we learnt them in primary
school, they send messages to your brain about the outside world and the people
in it, but sometimes a person’s brain and a person’s senses do not communicate
very well making the brain become confused and overwhelmed to the point a
person “melts down” this is known as over stimulation. For most people a shopping
centre isn’t a scary place, some people even find it pleasurable but for
someone with ASD its overwhelming and scary; the lights are too bright, they
pierce their eyes, the sound of shoes on patent floor ricochets through their
brain and ear drums, the constant nudging and touching by strangers in bustling
shops burn their skin and makes them itch, the smell of all the food stalls and
cafes makes them feel sick to their stomach, this is just a general example of
how hyper sensitivity effects people. Unfortunately, most people with ASD can’t
communicate that they are overwhelmed, so even though there is chaos going
around if their heads the outside world is none the wiser. We all develop habits
to help us cope in difficult and uncomfortable situations, like when you’re
doing a presentation you might look at the floor or bite your lips. For an
autistic person, the world presents a lot of difficult and uncomfortable
situations and in intense moments they develop strategies to calm themselves which
might seem strange, such as flapping their arms or rocking back and forth. These
motions signal that they are having a difficult time, instead of judging them
and giving them disarming stares, mocking, and ignoring them get to know them
and understand their needs, despite having additional needs autistic people
share the same need and desire for human compassion as anybody else.

Autistic people are not strange, broken, deformed, or
disabled, they are just simply have a different view of the world, and with a
little time and encouragement from the people around them they might be able to
share their amazing view of the world with us. ASD is a complex and interesting
condition which sometimes makes life very hard, but it’s also an amazing gift,
the condition doesn’t get nearly as much recognition and attention as it deserves,
autism can make phenomenal things happen if people only take the time to
understand. We are a community that does face hardship and discrimation but
have an amazing perspective on the world but now we are just burying seeds
waiting to be given the water of awareness to blossom. This autism awareness
month be kind to everyone you meet, you have no idea what internal battles they
are facing, phenomenal things happen when we open our hearts.

Lots of random little things, like how the street smells when it's just rained, seeing the leaves grow back on trees but mainly seeing my loved ones happy.

Best place you've visited?

Too many, but Cornwall or Brighton as a whole is probably my favourite place in the county to visit.

Favourite animal?

Horses or hedgehogs

What inspired you to recover from your eating disorder?

One day I reAlised that there is so much more to life than now, I have only lived about 6.15% of my life, I have years of opportunities, love, and positive experiences ahead of me and I won't be able to enjoy them fully if I'm weak and UnstAble. I will miss so much of life if I'm constantly spending my days calorie counting and excercising.

What animals do you have?

At the moment none :( I loan a horse though, in the past I've had snakes, dogs, cats, Lizards and fish.

Best thing that's ever happened to you?

This is a tough one, I'm so blessed to have the life I do and every experience I've had has made me who I am, I would say being given the opportunity to get close to horses has been a massive blessing.

Weirdest experience you've had?

There's two 1) a random lady who I've never met comes up to me saying she knows my name and loads about my life and that she sees an artistic future for me. 2) having dreams that hPpen in real life.

Worst thing you've been through?

Loosing a lot of people who I thought were my closest friends and watching them turn against me. And a lot of other issues ill save for another day.

Best thing you've ever done?

Volunteering in the summers! I met four of my closest friends there over the pat few years (s/o to Amy, Beatrice, Duncan and Joel)and it's just such a rewarding experience in general.

Thursday, 16 March 2017

Dear mental illness,
i know i speak to you every single day and have done for a very long time now but i think its time i adress you on your own, as what you are, not as a part of who i am. its safe to say we have a committed relationship, since the day we met we have not spent a moment truly apart. you have never left my side, or my life, always with me, i tohught you were my friend, you wanted whats best for me but i was dellusional. all you ever were was a thief, you stole my confidence, my passion for life, dreams, goals,and everything i was, but yet like a loyal sheep dog i stood and lsitend to your commands, i tohught you were giving me happiness, becuase what harm can loosing a few odd pounds do.

our relationship changed me, it made me hate myself, i slowly became you because all i ever did was listen to what you had to say, i now know thats not right. why did you turn my own head against me? why did you make me to weak to stand? too anixious to go to school? you tricked decived and lied to me, i thought you were my friend but i now know you just wanted to see my brake into a million sharp pieces then use them to stab me.

the other night we were reminisng over old emmories, you pointing out mistakes i made years ago, i remebered a time when i didnt know you, i had a light in my eyes, a fire in my belly, a smile on my face an d a passion for my life. i often wonder where this girl went, the girl who loved life, wanted to make the most of everything, who was the life of a party and never took know for an answer, it hit me, i know where she is; shes not hiding under layers of trying to hard to fit in, or faked perfection, shes not laying in a corner waiting to be found, you took her, you dragged her away and just left me as a skelleton of a person i once was,

one memory stands out above all i was sitting on a beach, in a bikini, with more of my body on show than youd ever let me think about, eating chips, just because i wanted to, and i had a real, enuine smile on my face, i had a bag full of books dreams and plans and nothing was stopping me, i was in control of myself and i was happy. i miss it, i miss how happiness feels, it is like holding a warm mug of tea on a cold day, i want that back, a life which I was in control of, a life where I was free and I knew happiness. Where I made my own decisions and wasn't dictated to you by you. This isn't right.

So mental illness, I guess this is me saying I have had enough of you, you have been a major part of my life for so long but nows your time to go. This is hard, ending this is hard, as is ending any long term relationship but it's generally for the best, please take all your baggage, all the sleepless nights, missed opportunities and hours spent worrying, I need my head back for me. I'd be foolish to think this is goodbye forever, I know there will be times where I fall back into your familiar embrace of self loathing and darkness, there will be nights were I confide in you again, as an old friend but I vow to spend every moment of my life fighting you.

Good bye mental illness, I hope we meet again, when I take back the girl you stole many years ago, and the smile on her face and the light in her eyes. Thank you for getting to know me (a little bit too well) but you've out stayed your welcome. So goodbye for now, please stay away, I hope to one day sat I got rid of you but until then, I will do all I can to see you in my life a lot less.

Saturday, 4 March 2017

Hi guys, this is the first part of a new series called "dear Duncs", which is a series of letters to my non biological brother, friend and self appointed fairy god brother, so here goes hope you enjoy.

Dear duncs, life is just going on like usual, its raining, i wake up, pull on my uniform, go to school, the same feeling of not overwhelming sadness but no where near happy, numbing me, then i come home eat sleep and then repeat it all. nothings really changing in my life, or the world, everything is the same, i have no news, hot gossip or interesting life insights to give you, which is kind of boring, i know. but the most annoying thing is i see all of this positivity and exiting opportunities out there but i just cant reach them. i look around and all i see is empty people photographs without names, going through the same routine, they're all talking moving living and breathing but on the inside everyone seems dead. it seems like the more time that goes by the more everyone forgets about the very things that make us human, faith, passion, excitement and desires. i am just getting a little tired of having no news, waking up in a word i hate, performing meaningless deeds, making pathetic small talk pursuing empty dreams whilst searching for the real thing. one day the human race is going to break, from too long spent doing the same mind numbing thing. all searching for ways to feel the void inside: alcohol, endless texting, religion, drugs, mindless studying , whats the answer? we all just seem to live for temporary moments of happiness, the rel thing seems so elusive. the worst thing is no one ever talks about it, we have become accustomed to it or trained ourselves to suppress it because sadness means weakness.

sometimes i feel no one else gets it, but i think you will, like how it is okay to dream aslong as your dreams are not too big because remaining realistic is key, like every single hope, dream and aspiration has to fit into an already built box. everyone seems so out of touch with reality, you know?, eyes constantly fixed on their pones because our own realities are too meaningless. it feels like most people would settle and just survive rather than fight and know what it truly means to be alive. is it stupid that i crave more from life but i do not know what that more is? one day in my elderly life i just dont want to wake up and think i wasted my life away making do whilst i dream endless dreams, and ill only have myself to blame. i cant become that person, i know if i want to escape this same meaningless repetitive routine of life i need to change but i dont even know where to start.

i am gonna rap this up here, live a full life with a grateful heart, grab every opportunity that is yours to grab, stay safe and calmer than calm,
love your fave tree huger x

Sunday, 29 January 2017

Sometimes I miss being sick, the grimiest part of me wished I had stayed in that familiar city of grey and mental illness and whatever the opposite of healing is, where there was nothing to laugh about but plenty to write about. I've concidered myself to be on the road to recovering from my eating disorder for almost a year, but I still talk about it in present tense, just like how I still have all my exes phone numbers saved. For once I don't want to write about this I am finally embarsssdd instead of proud of all the insane things I have done for "happiness". Still, when a friend at dinner makes a casual comment on calories the scoreboard in my head lights up. Once I cut a ribbon, the size I wanted to be, and wore it around my wrist as a sign of my "triumph", bathroom scales make me feel nastolgic, like a scrapbook I flip through, snapshots of my sickness. Reminders of the dinners of tobacco smoke and red lipstick how I used to pack my lunchbox with floss and teeth whitening strips, last night I painted my nails when I was hungry, I couldn't eat until they dried. I am not going to go into more details in case you mistake my recount for an instruction manual, but I don't know how to talk about the rabbit hole without leading you down it. While recovery isn't always tea, yoga mats, and Avacados, it is work, it's reminding yourself that sucking on ice isn't a meal, is asking your body to forgive you because it's not healthy to drink so much water to curve hunger that your body becomes a huge bathtub with organs floating in it. Even though I'm on my way to recovery some days trying to ignore the calorific calculator in my head is like trying to ignore the television subtitles and sometimes I just can't, body forgive me. Recovery is hard work, not wanting to die is hard work, sometimes I still mistake "full" for "fat" and I'm trying so hard not to do that, I'm trying so hard to un memorise the calories in a peppermint. Wanting to die is not the same as wanting to find a home and I'm still trying to remember that. I am on a journey to recovery, it's not easy, I still have a long way to go, but body forgive me for scaring you, forgive me for making you weak and dizzy, forgive me for exhausting you so much with calorie counting you have no energy to do anything else. Body I am here to make peace with you, I am comfortable with you, please forgive me.

Saturday, 28 January 2017

I never used to talk to people esplecialy new people, until last week and now I now why. I met a stranger who just seemed like home in an empty world, and I don't even know why, I don't know why I want him to know crevices of my brain I don't even dare to look in, or why when I'm with him the war I'm at with my own mind seems to cease. He's just so different to the rest of the clones, he buys things with his heart beat and deals with the currency of time in a place that never seems to stay still, he is a whole galaxy, made of earth and fair and wishes cast on stars, in a universe only focused on instagram likes, grades and fast cars. He has a soul when you're told it's a crime to have a heart. I thought I was the only one who felt things and listened to the universe so hard I heard the ringing between each word and took it as a sign I was being spoken to, who feels so deeply the world is too loud, that's till I met him. The guy who writes poems that come from a soul so deep it dragged me in like a black hole,who lives a life so selfless, his whole self is just positive. When I sit in a tree and look out at the world under me I wonder if I could get so lost I would find myself, that's how I felt when his eyes locked mine. Now I'm well and truly lost with no hope of finding myself, he holds an ocean I seize but to him I'm just a droplet In an ever changing sea. Now I know why I don't talk to people, you can feel whatever you want for whomeever you want but so can they.