Trans* Intimacy: Do’s & Don’ts

When it comes to sex, everyone is different. It’s the same with sexuality and gender identity.

As much as everyone is different, we all deserve to be loved. Transgender people are diverse. Some undergo the full transition, some only do hormones, some only do surgery, and many are in between – all of which are perfectly fine.

Here are some do’s and don’ts that could help protect both you and your sexual partner when you are getting intimate.

Do’s

Communicate:Communication is always important, whether it’s a one-night stand or a relationship. Discuss before doing anything. Find out where you can or cannot touch. Talk about what you both are comfortable with. The more you talk, the less awkward and more comfortable you both will be when having sex.

Boundaries:It’s important that you’re both aware of each other’s boundaries. A cisgender gay male might find a transgender FTM attractive and want to have sex with them, but doesn’t find the pre-op genitals attractive, or vice versa with MTF’s and lesbian women. What’s important is to communicate this with your partner in a respectful way and not be an arsehole while doing it. Find a compromise or an alternative way that can pleasure you both.

Safe Sex:Like the old Kiwi saying, “If you don’t have the rubber, there’ll be no hubba-hubba”. As well as the risk of contracting an STD, there is also the potential of pregnancy. FTM’s who have sex with men and MTF’s who have sex with women still have the potential of getting themselves, or their partner, pregnant. Transgender people can still get pregnant while on hormones. Pregnancy is, of course, dependent on how far someone is in their transition. To avoid pregnancy or contracting an STD, practice safe sex, wear a condom, and speak to your doctor about contraceptive options.

Correct Pronouns:Use the correct pronouns – he/him when referring to your partner if they identify as male, similarly, she/her if they identify as female. If they identify as non-binary, use they/them. If you are not sure what to use, just ask them – they will be happy you did.

Don’ts

Wrong Terminology:Do not say pussy, vag, or vagina when referring to FTM genitals and do not say penis, cock, dick, etc when referring to MTF genitals. This is also the same when referring to FTM’s chest – do not refer to them as boobs, breast, tits, etc. This is all part of communication.

Derogatory Terms:Everyone is different, however, many transgender people find particular words insulting such as Shemale, Ladyboy, Trannies, It, He-She, etc. Avoid these words at all costs. These words were created in reference to porn and prostitutes. Of course, there is nothing wrong with watching porn, being a porn star, or the profession of being a prostitute. However, these words are not okay to describe transgender people as a whole.

Assume:Don’t automatically assume someone’s gender. Don’t assume that just because they are transgender, means they don’t top or bottom. Also, don’t assume they are comfortable with using certain parts of their genitalia. For example, some FTM’s don’t like having sex unless they are wearing a strap-on. Some FTM’s only wear the strap-on to make them feel comfortable, but have no intention of using it. However, some FTM’s don’t see the point of a strap-on when it doesn’t do much sexually for them. The most important thing to know is to communicate and be open minded.

Be an Arsehole:It goes without saying that this should be a rule that everyone should know, however in this case, being an arsehole could potentially cause great mental harm. Always be respectful to your partner.