Perspectives

So, I am finally beginning to see the light. As a result of the tugo-o’-war between life insurance and education career goals, I am finally starting to see things more clearly. I wouldn’t say I had an epiphany, although a sudden realization did suddenly come upon me. There were a few things that led up to the discovery. The first, taxes. After spending all day on hold with the IRS, and finally getting some answers, I had a task ahead of me. Not a huge task, as I had done the footwork beforehand as was pertinent to bring forth my case to the Department of Labor, but I did need to gather proper evidence and send proof of my claim, but this time to the IRS.

In doing so, a conversation between Ali and I transpired. Ali exclaimed, “that insurance company really knows how to get people. They really take advantage of desperate people”. But, I, – I wouldn’t be desperate, not me! No way, no how! (I thought to my self). But, I had to reconsider, and come to realize that that is exactly what I was. Desperate for a job, and starving for a paycheck. My unemployment had just run out, and I was starting to get frantic. I had an unsuccessful year in the job department. I received a 60-day notice from the landlord’s stating that I needed to move out. With no job, and no money… the rug was definitely being pulled out from under my feet.

When that life insurance job landed in my lap, I believed that it was going to save me from the turmoil that I was facing, or at least the prospect of a paycheck would. It was the answer. So I invested everything I had, which wasn’t much, into getting a job there. I had to pay for online classes to obtain my Life Agent license with the Department of Insurance. I never studied so hard before in my life, and when I passed, it was the happiest day of life, and I had never been more proud of myself…

When I called the job to tell them I had passed, two weeks later, I should have known that it was a scam. But for the rug that was being pulled out from under me, and for the life of me, I couldn’t come to terms with that reality. It took me some $256 to even get my foot in the door over there, which was much more than I had in my bank account. When I say I invested everything, even though it wasn’t much, I mean I borrowed money from my church and friends to afford that $256 to get my foot in the door. For a poor person, especially a poor woman, who might soon be on the streets, that is a lot of money.

So I fought as hard as I could by working as hard as I could. I worked 80 hours a week. My future, my paycheck, and the thought of being able to afford to move into a new apartment were the forces that drove me to work so hard. I worked like my life depended on it, because it did. After not getting paid by that job, I still couldn’t believe it. After taking up a case with the Department of Labor, I still couldn’t believe it. After getting paid finally through the Department of Labor, I still couldn’t believe it.

But after the tedious chore of filing taxes this year and the conversation with Ali, I finally started to see it. I went through a lot. Perhaps I have to come to terms with it in increments, but I see the dream they sold me. I see how I was taken advantage of. And I definitely see the shattered dream of the false prospects I was sold. They did, they got me good. Why would I want to work in life insurance again? That is how I should feel. And slowly, it came upon me, why would I ever want to work in life insurance again, after all of that?

It is good to see things with this new perspective. I can see how out of whack things have gotten, and the utter confusion of it all. The loss of that career, and failed dreams; everything I ever learned and heard about “never giving up” went down the tubes. No longer applicable. This wasn’t about “giving up”. And if I gave up anything, it was the lie that they were feeding me. Ouch. They did prey on the poor, Ali was right. I guess I hadn’t wanted to own up to the fact that I was poor, I am poor. Ouch. I was the kind of person that could be taken advantage of. I needed to be careful. I needed to not be so trusting. I could not assume that others were good and honest, like myself.

I invested too much in it, I would have never walked away very easily. Not a happily ever after story, here. But at least I cannot say I never tried.

Now that I am beginning to come to terms with things, I can start weeding them out and focusing on the ESL gig or whatever. Hopefully some type of real real-job is in my future… So, I guess I don’t want to do life insurance anymore and I won’t plan on trying to go back to it.

Doing taxes really does open one’s eyes. I can now see that I am making less than $600 a month, living in a basement that would be like the suite of basements, or the upgrade.

I never want to teach again!
These are the words I should have been sobbing in to my pillow on days I got home from substitute teaching, but I didn’t. Instead, I chinned up and carried on. However, my experience as a substitute teacher has definitely run me out of the education sector, and hopefully for good (I say “hopefully” because I do have experience and may HAVE TO substitute if I have no other source of income). I think I genuinely tried to be a good teacher, but I just don’t possess the qualities that make up an outstanding teacher. I also don’t wish I was a terrrrrrific teacher, it’s just not for me. On the flip side, I am glad I gave it a try- I gained a lot of experience and self growth as a person and as a professional.

I couldn’t quite find where I might fit into the whole picture here in that arena, mainly because I don’t have a teaching credential. I obtained my TESL/TEFL certification and went abroad for a couple of years, came back and worked at a college for international students. I got laid-off due to low student enrollment. I made the position work for me. I worked M-Th, and Sat., sometimes Friday, too. Six days a week. I was just under full-time hours. It was a contracted teacher position so they were able to get away with much more than a regular school. Under normal working conditions I would have been working full-time. Instead, I got a 15-minute break for every two hours worked. Seems fair, right? Except that the whole class was 4.5 hours, and 9 hours long on Saturday. So I have had to fully engage with students on Saturdays for 9 hour long classes, and I never got bored, so I am sure they didn’t either. My classes certainly went by fast, I kept us busy.

Had I not gone abroad, I would have never had that experience. I do not have my master’s in TESL, but since my experience commesurated with a master’s I was offered the job. Teaching abroad has definitely given me equivalent- if not greater skills than just obtaining a master’s- I say “just” because of the lack of experience teaching. A master’s degree or otherwise does not teach you how to “teach”- that is what the teaching credential is for. Luckily, abroad will take most with a Bachelor’s degree where people can gain hands-on, real life experience teaching. That’s what I did.

Although I obtained my TESL/TEFL certificate prior to my departure to China, it was only theoretical. What I mean by this is I would create (theoretical) lessons plans. Now, my lesson plans would look much differently after four years of experience teaching than they did beforehand. Only real-life teaching can give one the experience needed to be successful in the classroom. Don’t get me wrong, I had tons and tons of teacher training abroad, especially since I taught in 3 different countries and had 5 different jobs. I underwent two weeks of training for each position. That amounts to quite a bit of teacher training, wouldn’t you say? Especially considering their induction programs ran for 12 hours a day for 2 weeks long.

Even so, it takes the right person to do the job. I love working with children, but I do not have my Early Childhood Education units, and at $12.00 there is not much incentive to want to aspire as a Preschool teacher. I was an infants teacher in Japan, no problem. Hong Kong held more scrutiny over males, and for good reason. Over there, they saw a female as a more natural fit for such positions, though I had many male colleagues as well- they were just more formal with background checks for sexual offences for males than females, naturally.

It isn’t as easy over here. Not to say that it was easy over there, it was anything but easy, actually. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done. At the time I hated it, I was miserable. Looking back I am proud of myself for going there, even if it hasn’t opened any doors for me. Closed doors, and having them hit me on the way out is actually why I set out to go overseas in the first place. I couldn’t get a job without the experience, and I couldn’t get experience without the job- it was a catch 22 and I felt only as if I was losing time, my life, where was it going?… at that time, nowhere.

I was desperate for a job, and desperate times call for desperate measures. With nothing left to lose, I packed up my stuff to make the trek abroad. After getting laid-off two years ago and teaching Chess and substitute teaching for the past year, I really have had the opportunity to reconsider my profession. I was already late in life when I went abroad, so to wait until my 30s to find and change my career, and then change it again was never an ideal situation. I think I just never really had the chance to find what it is that I really want to do. I’ve had some ideas, some great, and some horrible ideas about where life would take me, but more often than not I thought I would be successful in whatever I did.

Now, teaching was not something I actually saw myself doing. I am glad I can substitute as backup, but it is not my first choice. In between getting laid-off and becomming a substitute, I actually found a new career as a life insurance agent. When I got that job I felt as though I had found my purpose and life-calling. Surely, I felt I was doing society good by providing life insurance which is something I full-heartedly believe in. It is not too difficult to sell something you believe in, if you can imagine. Unfortunately I got in with the wrong company, and that did not work out for me.

Before I went to China, I wanted to be a car salesman, and I think sales is “it” for me. I would love to be a writer for a brand or company, but it doesn’t have to be limited to that. As I said, I thought I found my lifetime career path when I found the life insurance agent position. I have honestly never been as proud of myself as I was the day I passed my license exam with the state. I never studied so hard in my life. When I got the job, I never worked so hard before in my life either. I worked 6 days a week, about 60 hours a week, but I put in extra time for PR. Yes, I thought that it was too extreme, I had heard of living, breathing, eating, sleeping your job before, but this was WAY BEYOND that, it was like that and THEN SOME. It was all-consuming, to say the least. But I wanted to be successful and I was so happy to have found a career, even if later in my life that it didn’t even seem like I was putting in 60-80 hours per week, I was on cloud nine floating in pure bliss, until I didn’t receive the payment I deserved, and then my dreams came crashing down pretty fast. It was after two devastating financial disasters, after living off unemployment and having them not pay me twice within a four month period. To hit financial disaster #3 in a mere year’s time was something I did not want to face, nor did I want to believe.

I denied for a long time that I was being taken advantage of because it was too painful of a truth for me to face in such circmustances. Being in financial ruin and feeling that I was finally going to make my way up the ladder in life- in my career- having my dream-come-true turn into too-good-to-be-true was soul-crushing. I still mourn the loss of that career, not in the conventional sense since they DID take advantage of me, but it’s like a relationship not working out when you really wanted it, too. It hurts. Like a child losing it’s grasp of a balloon- and having to watch something he loved float away, I just kind of watched my career float away like that.

I could go back and remember how I spent my last money on the classes, how I had to borrow money from my church to get licensed, and money from my boyfriend for everything else. I had no car, I was SOL. I believed in myself, I knew I would be successful in such a position- but for putting in 80 hours a week, and getting next to nothing in return was not going to work out for me. Yes, I was a profitable asset to the company, but like any pyramid scheme I was at the bottom working the hardest for people at the top to tap into my income and distribute it as they pleased. I still believe in life insurance, but not everyone I meet is going to be like me- an honest life insurance agent. I know that sounds funny, but they do exist, just like honest car salesmen and honest taxmen and other honest people in fiduciary positions, as oxymoronic as it sounds.

So here I am again, headed towards the unknown. Chess has ended, and substituting so too will end come summer in a couple of months. What will I do? What… will… I… do… ?… ?… ?…
It’s a question that has been perplexing me for months. To prevent another pivot hole would be nice, but there is no way to guard against unemployment.

Find your heart and you will find your way? I continue to hope, and pray, and search, and ask for help, and to pray for help. But, I know that life doesn’t come knocking on your door with a neon sign with the name of your career on it. That’s not the way it works either. Am I not looking in the right places? Am I not asking the right questions? All of these things I have to wonder. Yet, it is not summer yet. I only hope to substitute to be able to pay my bills until I find a new job. I do not want to be destitute at the mercy of my piggy bank, again, to depend on whether I can afford to eat or not. I was lucky to have cashed in my change for $22 to afford to eat, literally going from nothing and not knowing how I would next eat to coming up on $22 from my change purse… I do not want to go through that, again. I make financially sound decisions. But when you go broke any and all purchases will come back to haunt you, no, I do not feel that way, sorry but having some earthly comforts is actually necessary.

Back to making a living.

Teaching is not a bad career choice, I have talked to some people and this is what they tell me. And, yes, they are right. Especially considering the holidays. The holidays and summers off are the only things I really consider to be good about the job. Other than that, getting hit in the head with an eraser, having students in the 2nd grade, and 3rd grade yell at me for one reason or another has not been pleasant. After I write my report to the teacher and give it to the office to give to the teacher, and knowing that they all read it, and further that they probably feel bad, or might, is like “ouch!” I don’t want them to think I am a masochist for continuing to go to work to be treated in such a manner, seriously. Who knows if anyone really reads any report at all, that part is just speculation, but still. Maybe they are used to it. One substitute I spoke with on our break was like “I am never coming back here!” Substitutes are notorious for being walked all over. In the student’s mind they are never going to see you again so they try and get away with whatever. Putting your foot down only leads to further resistance, and there is no real good approach to take. They don’t care, you are not their teacher anyway. Needless to say, I am repelled from the teaching industry because of my experience substitute teaching. I am happy to have had the experience, but after tial and error it is not for me.

Would I say the same about life insurance? No. Time wanes, though, and the years will continue to go by. In your 30s, you have to make every year count. Even a rotten year in life insurance is still a year for the books. Believe me when I say that someone who has been in their business for 40 years, as opposed to somone who has been in their business for 4 months- it makes a difference. It is called credibility, and career changes do not look so credible either. So call me crazy for saying, you have got to find something and stick with it. At this point, I will take almost any full-time position, as long as it is not teaching. 35 years old and I have still not found my career. Yes, I travelled, which is great, but my opportunities are not greater than anybody else’s. The U.S. makes things hard, even for the qualified, it is all just a money game. Thousands on education, on cars, clothes, travel, self-improvement, and where has it taken me? In the eyes of society, I am a 35 year old trying to find a job. Shouldn’t a person of my age and qualifications ought to have figured it out by now?…

I suppose it all depends on who you ask. There are songs about the most interesting people not finding a career until 40, so I still have faith in myself that I will be one of those… and hopefully find a niche for myself or a cool career because that would be all kinds of nice. So let’s all keep our fingers crossed that I do not have to suffer anymore ankle-biter abuse as a substitute, and can cross paths with something a little more kind.

More often than not I hear the general consensus which has conclusively deducted the characteristics of ADHD& ADD into a category otherwise known as disruptive. I am here to tell you that the common dialogue concerning said learning disability is a bit disconcerting. For one, not ALL ADD kids or adults are “disruptive”. Contrary to popular belief, the poster child of ADD/ADHD is not always buzzing around the classroom disrupting students and teachers alike. They more often than not go unnoticed. You might have noticed something, but never could put your finger on it, though unmistakably you did notice something.

I have seen maybe one genuine case of ADD out of roughly 100. Yet, in that pool of children can you guess how many there are that others mistakenly believe to have ADD/ADHD?

Shocking to think about, I know. And it should be. There has always been a troublesome child that is hungry– starving for attention– who disrupts the classroom by intentionally acting out of order; for attention. Another truth that might be shocking is that attention-seeking behavior and ADD/ADHD actually have very little to do with one another. The general understanding of ADD/ADHD only shows how little people actually know about it.

Some research shows that people with ADD/ADHD are said to have high IQs. Some people with ADD/ADHD are actually extremely attentive, especially to detail. It is surprising because they do not appear to be paying attention or listening. They appear to be day dreaming. The reason is because they actually have an ABILITY to process a lot of information at once. Processing that information can be tricky. Some types of ADD/ADHD need more time to process information. Needing more time to process information because of an inability to turn off the focus on the details may make them appear to be slower than their peers. Quite to the contrary, though they are slower to process information, once they “get it” they thoroughly understand it and it is not memorized information. Their congnitive structures and the way they process so much information at once is most likely the reason for their high IQs. Their genius lies in the fact that they can hold two thoughts and/or ideas in their mind at the same time. Intellectually multi-tasking, if you will. “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

Next, Adderall has a bad rap because it is known as a party pill. Some folks have set a bad example for everyone. Again, contrary to popular belief, not everyone is slanging their adderall like candy at college parties. Please advise those who have Adderall NOT to give it to anyone, not even their friends, even if they ask. They can say, “that’s against the law” or “I’m afraid I’ll get in trouble”. It’s not a “party drug” for everyone.

Stimulants have actually proven to be highly effective for those with ADD/ADHD. They help a person who may not be as aware more alert of themselves and the world around them. They help them control their quiet disruptions. What are those quiet disruptions? Nail picking, zoning out, speaking without thinking, having no filter, saying what is on their mind without thinking about what they are going to say first, to name a few… and that is just at one end of the spectrum. Pay close attention to the word spectrum, for ADD/ADHD is not a one size fits all. Diagnoses and the variations within the learning disability itself are as vast as those of Asperger’s and Autism.

The purpose of this article is not to blame or accuse but rather to gently inform the reader that it is unacceptable to diagnose the “problem-child” as having ADD/ADHD. The loud, disobedient, disruptive, quarrelsome, ornery children people have mistakenly come to misunderstand as ADD/ADHD is often nowhere near the quiet child who looks at the books on the shelves in the library; or a doodler, a person who doodles while listening to their teacher lecture in class, who is also a high achiever. They volunteer when asked to demonstrate an End-Game in Chess and know the play-by-play, piece-for-piece by heart. They demonstrate a deeper understanding of the game than would otherwise be common of a child of his/her age. And it is surprising that this child who is very distracted by the books in the library is the highest achiever in the class. It is also surprising when the doodler retains more information and a deep-rooted understanding of the material, which is not memorized. But again, this is not ALWAYS the case either. There is not just ONE TYPE of ADD/ADHD.

The mistaken understanding does not do anyone any good. The cultural misdiagnosis needs to stop.

Lastly, it has been shown that marijuana acts similarly to the stimulants Ritalin and Adderall in those with ADD/ADHD and it has been proven that marijuana helps them focus and get higher grades. I am not condoning that behavior. Always talk to a doctor first about taking Ritalin or Adderall. The opinions expressed here are striclty my own and are not a substitute for medical advice. Talk to your doctor first.

Well, I suppose it all depends on who is asking, but, I do find it very interesting how the media blares so loudly with a one-sided point-of-view that it does a great job at silencing any and all voices outside the sphere of its megaphone. And, by great I mean I am clearly being facetious. When we speak of such things as fairness, equality, and justice for all, it is quite ironic, isn’t it? Ironic that such values which are pertinent to the integrity and dignity of America would be taken away from some, and given to others?… That such topics would silence the voices of others while amplifying only their own as to, dare I say, segregate…

Or should the blame shift, find its next target, and then pin him as America’s next top racist.

I have no “white guilt”, because I am not and never have been a racist person. I have not been racist against any race; black, white, brown, yellow, dark brown, light brown, light, dark, or mocha, etc… nor do I find it acceptable to say that ALL [white men, especially], ALL [republicans, especially], ALL [white people], ALL [trump supporters], ALL [non-leftists], ALL [non-Obama supporters], ALL [non-democrats], ALL [non-liberals], ALL [white, republicans, especially] white, republicans, especially, are spawns of America’s next top racist…

There is no arguing with the media, though, because if you try you will go down in history as the biggest racist ever.

All in the name of equality? and, JUSTICE [FOR ALL]. In all fairness, with all due respect isn’t that a bit hypocritical? Isn’t that creating the same prejudice against that which the media so loudly speaks? a.k.a. Racism.

In 2011, I decided to put my English degree to use (or so I had hoped) by getting a substitute teaching permit. And, oh, how easy did people make it sound, “just get your substitute teaching permit”, “why don’t you just substitute teach?”…After failing the writing portion of the California Basic Education Skills Test (CBEST), I had to pay ($70-$130) to re-take the whole thing. One word of advice: when they ask you to write about a charismatic person, do NOT write about Charlie Sheen and back it up by evidence of his likeability despite his cheating womanizing ways. The answer they are looking for would probably be J.F.K., for example, or any otherwise popularly known historical figure… writing is so subjective… I re-took it. And I passed. After that, I paid $69.00 for a Live Scan which is for a dual fingerprint background check by the FBI and Department of Justice. Then, I applied for the 30-day Emergency Substitute Teaching permit for another $86.00. At that time I asked myself, “self, can you really see yourself substitute teaching?” and as I imagined myself in front of an elementary level class, and slowly shrunk into a Cheerio-sized person, hiding, and covering my head underneath the desk as I respectively got booed in my mind’s imagination in said situation. I did not put to use that permit. In 2013, I boarded an airplane to teach in China. I was overseas until 2015 and though I had only planned to teach in China, taught in Hong Kong, and Japan as well. I had a very rich experience teaching overseas. I did not have summers off for three consecutive years and so I finally figured that I had four years total of teaching experience considering that I taught for three summers straight. When I returned in 2015, I got a job at an international college teaching English as a Second Language to college-level students, where I worked for about a year and a half before getting laid-off due to low-student enrollment. I have not taught in exactly one year in four days from now (9/5/2017). Meanwhile, I have had three financial disasters, I am still undergoing one. I got unemployment benefits, worked seasonally at Staples, and then became a Life-Insurance agent. The company I worked for did not pay me so I have a case with the Department of Labor that is currently undergoing review and the first conference is set for next month. In the meantime, I renewed that substitute teaching permit… after finally getting it renewed $106 later…When I got my Life Insurance agent license in the interim, in between then and now, I did not throw my hands up in the air at each and every step, crying, moaning and groaning, fed up at each step, the first obstacle, the whole way through. Quite to the contrary, the day I passed my test with the California Department of Insurance was the proudest I have ever been of myself in my entire life. I studied hard, and I worked even harder. I was fascinated by the field, and it sparked my interest on many levels, so I felt that I had finally found my purpose. However, until the case comes to a conclusion I do not want to seek a Life Insurance agent position. I do not want to substitute teach, but I will. The problem is this, there are too many obstacles. Every document has to be in a PDF, I have Word.I do not have THREE letters of recommendation, in fact, I do not even have ONE. I have a resume, but not in PDF format. By the time I get to a job that I can actually apply to because it only requires a resume, my substitute teaching permit, and a negative TB test, it has been an hour. An hour of reading job description, and job requirements, after job description and job requirements to get to a page where I cannot upload the document in Word format, at which point I throw my hands up in the air and yell in frustration, “I have no desire whatsoever to substitute teach, NONE WHATSOEVER, ABSOLUTELY NONE!”And it IS upsetting, because for not even wanting to stupid substitute teach, even now with 4 unpleasant, dreadful years of teaching experience under my belt, the hamster wheel of Edjoin.org paired with the San Diego Unified School District maze which also appears to be a dead-end to NOWHERE is frustrating. I spin my wheels, waste my time, and at the end of the day get nowhere near any closer today than I was yesterday in the run-around of the wicked web which has me going in circles in the same damn search request for a substitute teaching position. Fed up? Yes, absolutely. Considering what it took to get just the substitute teaching permit itself, yes, it is a bit disappointing. No more disappointing is having to use what I have to fall back on until I seek out how to sell life insurance again. Meaning, substitute teaching is my back-up plan. It is not my first choice, and not even really a 2nd, or 3rd. According to the California Commission for Teacher Credentialing, I have met the requirements to substitute teach in this state which is why I have been permitted to do so. With such a shortage of substitute teachers, one might think it would be advantageous to simplify the process, especially when considering that substitute teachers have to go through MUCH MORE background, investigation, and testing than do “credentialed” teachers. And some of us have gained in four years what it would take others four decades to accomplish. The sites make it too easy to give up. I sent a letter last week, and still have not received a response in regards to what they consider to be a “credentialed” substitute teacher. Are they meaning to tell me that there are teachers who are credentialed looking for SUBSTITUTE teaching positions? Well, THAT’S STUPID! DON’T YOU THINK? Over it.

Tell me what my rights are: I have voted for you, I have given you power to decide for me what my rights are, I have voted for your laws, and your legislation; thus, I have voted in your dictatorship over my freedom as an individual.

Dear Media,

Tell me how to think: I voted for more government, more legislation, more laws; thus, I have taken away my own personal freedom as an individual.

Tell me what to think: I do not know how to think for myself, I do not know what to think, and I am not capable of formulating my own opinion as an educated and informed individual. I lack interest in the topics discussed in the news, therefore, I do not know much about them; thus, I am only able to regurgitate what I hear from you.

I am angry: I do not know why, I do not know at who or about what, but I do know that I need a reason to continue to justify my anger- and you continue to give me a reason to be so.

I have a loss of identity: I do not know who I would be if I was not angry, therefore, I need a source to fuel my anger and you do just that. Without my anger, I do not who I am, what I believe, or what I stand for.

I am by the media and for the media, even though this same source has been at the root of corruption, manipulative and brainwashing tactics since it’s beginning.

I have voted for an incorruptible machine to control me, my every move, and even my destiny. I have voted for the machine to think for me and tell me who I am, how I feel, and what I stand for. Without the machine, I feel I would vanish because my identity and sole purpose would be lost.

Without the government, who would I be?

Without the media, what would I think?

With Love Forever,

A mass majority public opinion (that happens to be coming from the left)

P.S.- Anyone who does not think like me, or feel like me, is public enemy #1, which is why I suffer from left-wing supremacy and have become everything that I claim to hate.