FSOM: World Cup beards? Fifty Shades of May is back!

Like bubonic plague, The King’s Evil, Water Elf Disease or some other tainted Gothic ailment that a universe suspicion had disappeared, Fifty Shades has lain dormant, metamorphosed and returned to overrun this estimable website, and a universe during large.

A heal was found for Smallpox and Scrofula, so maybe an remedy to Fifty Shades will be discovered.

But until that happens, Fifty Shades is adult and doing.

Rewind and we competence remember Fifty Shades was introduced with a specific purpose of giving some gravitas and management to a website populated by immature whipper-snappers, lollygaggers, ne’er-do-wells and all-round smart-arses.

And that goal is still there. Here is where we will find a sound, sober, mature viewpoint.

Here abides seasoned, sensitive comment, constructed with a assist of believe and believe as counterpoint to a wailing popinjay of a younger contributors to a site.

So with that in mind, let’s speak about beards.

Never mind Wales’ better of England (as good a reason Fifty shades can consider of for rebuilding Offa’s Dyke to a tallness of 10metres and commanding it off with razor wire, or planting mines in a Bristol Channel), or Japan’s startle win over South Africa, a blazing emanate of a Rugby World Cup is facial fuzz.

Fifty Shades is reduction endangered with who will win a William Webb Ellis Trophy, yet that group will lift a lesser-known, yet equally critical Rip Van Winkle Trophy, awarded to a group with a best collection of beards.

As somebody who has spent a vast partial of a summer perplexing to favour a hipster brave that would be means to take a legitimate place in a hipsters’ HQ of Shorditch, it irks Fifty Shades that all he has been means to furnish is something strangely white and whispy, like an albino’s pubes, or a arrange of brave that should accoutre Santa on Christmas Eve, yet has been kept in a box in a loft and chewed by mice.

Rugby, of course, is a foe choc-full of testosterone, and that’s shown by a beards on display.

It is a little-known order of a RWC that any group contingency have during slightest one member able of producing adequate facial hair to things a mattress, yet some squads have left a additional yard and comparison guys who have adequate flint to upholster a full three-piece suite.

The USA also have a good collection of hairy bears, and are led by Danny Barrett who resembles somebody who survived a Donner Party yet suspicion he didn’t demeanour weary adequate after being stranded in a snowy Sierra Nevada all winter, so took himself off into a behind republic for a integrate of months.

Wales’ usually genuine contender is Jake Ball, yet he does demeanour like a rodent peering out of a bear’s backside.

Similarly, Josh Strauss, carries Scotland’s means in a hirsute handicap. His brave resembles a preference to wear a sporran on his face. There’s some-more hair on his face than was collectively on uncover in Braveheart when a Scots revealed their bums during a English.

The island republic of Tonga is a tiny pinch in a pelagic proportions of a Pacific ocean. But they furnish group with strong beards in Uili Kolo’ofa’i and Vungakoto Lilo who concede birds and tiny mammals to nest in their facial fur when not make-up down in a scrum.

For Georgia, a contingent of Viktor Kolelishvili, Simon Maisurdze and Devit Zirakashvili have finished their republic proud, all unapproachable possessors of beards that demeanour as yet they have been drawn on with a thick polish crayon by a five-year-old told to pull a brave on a picture.

The horde republic have put on a flattering unfair show, with usually Joe Marler displaying a arrange of brave that would pull admiring glances from sheep-shearers or hedge-trimmers.

DFS have already shown an seductiveness for upholstery for their new operation of super-soft sofas should a Canucks ever rediscover a usually razor that was shipped into their republic by a Hudson Bay Company in 1789.

Big ups, though, to Ray Barkwill whose deficiency of hair on his architecture is compensated for by a volume on his face, creation him demeanour for all a universe like a male with his conduct on upside-down.

Of course, a Beard Liberation Front ( a genuine organisation!) are all over a RWC like a inexpensive suit, and are using an on-line poll.

Spokesman Keith Flett said: “We’re awaiting foe to bristle for a Rugby World Cup. Once we’ve had time to consider that beards make it on to a margin and a impact they have, we’ll let a open have their say.”

Fifty Shades will have something to contend when we are comparing beards during a womens’ rugby universe cup.