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my current situation- that I feel is over now ? We're across country

HI,
I will try to make this as short as I can, I myself am impatient so no worries. Ok I dated my ex for almost 2 years, he graduated from the school we were going together and moved back to the east coast, I had to leave school before this happened due to lack of funding for school, so that was last summer, I intitated the break up and was the dumper, long story short I was having trouble trusting him with the distance and we rarely spoke and he wouldnt do anything about it as much as I brought it up. That was in july/aug, so this whole time we had been on and off again and I was in this limbo area with him and it felt like I was being used, so I cut it off and then 2 weeks of no contact he contacts me and things start to go good, hes doing anything to please me, I flew to see him at the end of jan and things may have seemed a bit off, but we still had sex, he acted like I was his girlfriend, I met his family all kinds of crap. And after all of this I told him I need more, are we in a relationship right now ? It feels like one, (he told me several times we were "exclusive") he responded with "because I didnt say you were my girlfriend you dont wanna speak to me anymore?" I told him this was all causing me too much stress and paranoia, and it was, getting your ex back is not a sane and peaceful process in my opinion, anyways I cant remember what I last said but I think it was on the lines of this, I am tired of trying/asking for a relationship, I give up and I was kinda bitchy which I (on my period :S) never meant to be but I then sent another text saying "please leave me alone for right now" I never said forever.

Fast foward: I had been dealing with him for 8 months, it took him that long to still say, "Im still hesitant" so I couldnt handle it and I cut the cord, now since that last convo, which was over text, happened over a month ago, Im on my way to two months of no contact, and I am really upset. This guy told me I still love and care about you but I am still hesitant ? and that is what he has been saying since we have been broken up. Right now I am in no contact, but in alot of f-ing pain, it feels like we went through a break up again, now I feel hopeless. He also owes me money for my car (he kind of wrecked it) and I still dont know if I should ask him, I have before but now I dont know.
I just hate this !!!!!!!!
someone help me

Welcome to theLoveLogic. If this guy can't figure out what he wants in over 8 months NOR did he make an effort to see you while you were away, what is there to figure out? Do you expect him to change? Look at his ACTIONS.....not his words.

I think you will find your answer. You may not LIKE it but you will find your answer.

If you need us, we are right here. We have the greatest members around. Post if you need anything.

Take care,

SuperDave71

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

I'm just still heartbroken really badly..but I think your right, its painful though..
I havent looked at his social media anymore and I feel better about that, gonna start therapy soon too, just to vent. I am just still sad. Today this man came in my work with a FLyers jersey on (my ex obsessed-season tickets) like really why was that necessary ??

I agree with Dave - after 8 months, he says he loves and cares for you, but even after 8 month's he's still "hesitant" to define a relationship with you? In my opinion, that means he doesn't love and care for you enough. His words are nice, but his actions contradict them completely.

I was in a relationship for two and a half years with someone who apparently loved and cared for me, but never wanted to establish a real relationship with me in all that time. It was foolish of me to stay for so long hoping that he'd change his mind...the fact is, you can be the most amazing person on earth, but you still can't change someone's mind if they're comfortable getting all the benefits without the commitment.

Yeah I agree w both of you guys,
I am still having a hard time I feel extremely used by him, and I don't know how many months its gonna take me to feel better, because I feel like crap and I have done numerous things, still do to keep me busy and to try and stay positive but I am still hurt. It is almost 2 months of no contact for me, he hasn't said anything as well, I guess that's no shocker for me. Maybe by next month I won't feel so bad ? I feel like this guy ruined my life, and he's off partying with girls and screwing girls etc.. living it up, knowing what he did and still not doing anything about my car.
I am trying desperately to forget all of this becuase I am sick of thinking about it, sick to death of thinking about it. And nothing really helps, its gonna take me a long time, I wanted to marry him and thought it would happen someday for us, we had even brought it up in the past and now I am going through heart ache all over again and it blows.
I am sure if my life was better than what it was I would be over this. But I also have other factors in my life (****ty pay job, cannot afford college again, parents moving, have nothing no friends, no money, no degree, I am honestly screwed right now) and this heartache over again is like the icing on the cake.

Im really down right now. I dont have any more urges to contact him, so I guess that's progress ?? And I no longer look at his social media, I saw something a little alarming before now I just dont go on it at all.

Anyways thank you guys for your responses, it does make me feel better.

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Pma

Ilovedavidbowie,

Welcome, and great username! I am afraid I am going to be quite blunt *you've been warned*:Why aren't you doing something about your state of mind?!

You write things like "I am honestly screwed right now" and that you "have nothing", really?!

Let's look again at your life shall we?

Your parents are moving. So firstly you have parents? They didn't die or separate and go to opposite sides of the world so you never got to see them or talk to them again?

You have no friends. Why the heck not? No friends? None at all? I am quite picky about my friends and I only have a handful, it is however my suggestion that nothing is stopping you from going out and getting to know some people and becoming friends with them!

You have no money. Really? No money at all? So you don't have a roof over your head? No gas, electricity, water, heating, food, mobile phone, internet or any other bills then? I suspect, you do actually have money. You definitely have a job, so how about looking at your budget and where all your money goes and trying to find some space for spending money?

You have a poorly paid job. But you do have a job? As opposed to the many, many unemployed who do not?
You cannot afford college. Ok, but you can afford to live, in comparison to many losing their homes?

You are in emotional pain because you did not pay attention to the red flags in your relationship, where his actions were showing you that he was not being honest when he said he loved you (you are not the first person to do that and you certainly won't be the last).

In my humble opinion, you can learn from this experience and yes, it is a bitter pill to take; however it is preventative medicine; next time you will know better. Descartes said "To know what people really think, pay regard to what they do, rather than what they say."

So, I propose you count your blessings:

1) Be glad you have your parents, talk to them when you can, they are your friends too. (Skype is free)

2) Be glad you have opportunities to socialise and are not oppressed by some regime! Go out and be social (you don't need money for this! what about charity work? work friends? library, park, bus stop, etc. seriously I made a friend at the bus stop!)

3) Be glad you have a job, what are your options in terms of promotion or extra shifts/overtime? This might help the money situation, also how about looking for another job?

4) Be glad you have some money, look at your finances, decide where you can make cuts and save, save for socialising or college or getting your car fixed. Ways to cut costs? Do you have a monthly mobile? Do you need all those minutes and texts? Could you save by having a pay as you go? Do you have to have brand name foods? What about the supermarket own brand? Plenty more options on Google!

5) Be glad you realised what a mistake your ex was and move on to someone who will be worthy of you.

Finally and in summary focus on yourself, you are a capable person, with lots to offer, you are unique and you have the rest of your life to look forward to, enjoy your freedom and all the cool things that come with that.

I'd like to hear back from you with a positive mental attitude, as to what you have outlined as your goals and later which ones you have achieved and which you have "modified" or "delayed" or "retired".

You are a very lucky person. Feel it, be humbled by it, believe it, perceive it and do it!

As Buddha said "All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become."

All the best,

Annita

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."Buddha