An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic He put a sign up outside that said:

"Dr.Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr.Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!
You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything !!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.
They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
Barak goes first. “What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out, "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries.”
David thinks “It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that” so he asks: “What will England be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout but he just stares at it.
Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say”
David replies, “Buggered if I know! It's not in English!”

A couple were in a busy shopping centre just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said " You remember the jewellers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace.
I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you "
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up; "yes, I do remember that shop" she replied.
"Well I’m in the pub next to that."

Copper was on patrol when he thought he heard a gunshot,so went to the house to investigate....he found a woman had shot her husband because he walked on the kitchen floor just after she`d mopped it ! The copper rang the station to tell them what had happened,and the sergeant asked if he`d arrested the woman ? "Not yet" said the copper,"the floor`s still wet" !!!!

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage, created by a soft, silky, pushup bra, and, pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No I haven't," he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, unzipped her skirt, letting it drop to the floor and seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.
It was a fine spring day in his new parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church.
There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied,
"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . .. . ... ..........

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

During a medical examination of a female patient, the British doctor says, "Your heart, lungs pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble".
The lady starts taking off her undies, but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No no, just stick out you tongue!"