Tag Archives: Bad Horror Movies

The Candyman is not a slasher. The first movie is masterclass horror movie about the memetic power of belief. The subsequent films traded that in for cheap slasher scares. I love Tony Todd and his iconic bogeyman, but the character deserved so much better after the carefully considered film that Bernard Rose gave us 25 years ago.

9. Human Centipede sequels & Saw Sequels

The ‘Pede trilogy should have stayed a one off. I get what the director was doing and I admire that he did it, and that he managed to get so meta with it, but he didn’t have to. <Insert deep thought about pushing limits when you should consider why you’re doing it>. The Saw sequels tie into this idea. The first Saw was a novelty, and a solid flick.

8. Squirm (1976)

This movie should have been so much better. Or at least way zanier. Better to leave this one to your imagination.

7. Cube (1997)

Watch Saw instead. If you want a good film by Natali watch the utterly insane Splice. This film though? I just didn’t enjoy it, and ultimately I left the film feeling… let down? I think that might have been it. I guess it was built up into something great and then… blah, a competent film that—had it not been touted so highly—I might have loved. I guess I recommend Saw because I still remember how the end of that film left me reeling.

6. Hostel (2005)

I get it, the movie was both transgressive and mainstream. It was the thing to watch when Eli Roth first released it, but it is not a good film either. It really isn’t. It was just ok. You want a good movie? Watch Cabin Fever. That movie was ridiculous and scary. Hostel is not. It’s extreme for extremity’s sake and it suffers for it. Also it basically spawned the utterly ridiculous Torture Porn sub-genre. A lot of money and time was wasted on the sub-genre and for what? It was a fad that faded away, and honestly I am glad that it has. Gore is great, but gore for gore’s sake starts to feel like an effects reel after a while. That’s what torture porn was to me, an effects reel.

5. High Tension (2003)

I love Alexandre Aja’s other films, especially the insanity that is Piranha 3D (which a talented filmmaker having the time of his life.) and Horns, which was a serviceable attempt at adapting the novel by Joe Hill. High Tension, or Haute Tension (or Switchblade Romance if you’re pretentious and smug and into trying to make people feel inferior. Seriously, you can only use this title if you’re British.) This movie however is one of those that I will never understand the love for. The ridiculous and inane twist (oh no, the heroine is actually also the bad guy) that comes in act three is more annoying and predictable than it is shocking. It does set up an interesting look at the themes of love and obsession but really those feel shoehorned in and left aside for shock value. I don’t even mind the twist all that much, it was a good idea except for the fact that Fight Club did it better.Or American Psycho. Or…well I am sure you see where I am taking this. It is a well made film, full of extreme gore and some unique kills but at the end of the day it is highly, highly overrated.

4. Them (2006)

A part of the new wave of French horror that swept the genre in the early 2000’s, this film is a pile of hot garbage. I loathed every second of it and found it entirely predictable and silly. Spoilers, the mysterious assailants are some local kids. Watch The Strangers instead if you are looking for a unique take on home invasion. Avoid this one.

3. Every Hellraiser movie besides I & II (1992-2011)

These are all lumped together because, even though they contain work by the great Doug Bradley, they are not good. These films are soulless cash grabs, made solely to extend the rights agreement held by Dimension. They really need to let the rights revert to Barker so he can do some justice for the long-dead series and get it back to its former glory. Honestly I am fine not acknowledging parts 2-10 but 2 is just so much fun.

2. Knock Knock (2015)

Keanu Reeves has been on a roll lately. John Wick and its sequel have revitalized the actor’s career and Hollywood presence but then there’s Knock Knock. I get it he did it for the simulated threeway and the somewhat interesting premise. Here’s the thing though, this is a bad, bad movie. It’s premise was handled in far better fashion in Hard Candy and the production (the direction, writing and all that jazz) just feels flat and awful. Reeves does give it his all though, so there’s that. I found it lacking and not deserving of the time it took to get to the end of the film. Watch Neon Demon instead, Reeves is super creepy in that one.

1. Baskin (2015)

I never understood all the love for this film. It’s nonsensical, boring and predictable. I gave it a watch because everyone said how utterly unique and amazing it was, and I was utterly disappointed in the film that I watched. False starts, loose plot points and the writers working themselves into a narrative corner (while abandoning seemingly more interesting plot points) all served to ruin the film for me.