The only restaurants you visit are ones that you know for sure sell granola, and you have given your phone number to every other restaurant in town so that they can call you if they ever should start selling granola.

You know the best way to clear your head is to just go for a long hike while shouting “It’s pronounced App-uh-LATCH-un!” to everyone you pass.

You send weekly hate mail to the Rockies.

None of your friends from back home can recognize you with your thick new beard, making it that much easier to steal their granola without them knowing it’s you.

You’ve replaced most of your skin with flannel.

You lobby your state representative to introduce legislation that would officially have the Appalachian mountain range replace Washington, D.C. as our nation’s capital.

You have abandoned your childhood religion in favor of worshiping the tree that you have decided looks most likely to be the ruler of all natural things.