Believe it or not, the selfless geniuses who posted this heroic tutorial are not My Heroes of the Day.

No sir, that honor goes to "skywarp-2" over at Seibertron (another site I didn't know about), who is not content, as I am, to merely take a Transformer action figure and say, "Screw everyone, this is in fact a Go-Bot."

...damn. And here I was thinking I was clever for planning to buy a Sideswipe and call him Turbo.

I suck.

But I did put together another in my endless series of half-assed customs!

Unlike legitimate customizers, I seldom even bother to decide who I am trying to create. Take my latest custom, for example. Is it meant to be Carcass, that after-my-time alien from the sad, embarrassing latter days of G.I. Joe A Real American Hero?

Or is it supposed to be Doc Terror, from The Centurions?

Or is it just some freak in orange?

You tell me:

To close, I would like to play a game called Whose Significant Other Is Cooler?

"Fracture is utterly loyal to Lord High Protector Megatron and the Decepticon cause. This is generally considered a good thing, as she's got more than a few screws loose and a destructive streak you could drive a space cruiser through. She can be counted on to charge into any engagement, regardless of the odds, often cackling madly. Though she can bring significant firepower to bear with her handheld negative energy blaster, she far prefers to use the seismic energy dischargers built into her giant stompy boots to cause localized earthquakes."

Further:

"According to the Hasbro's designer panel at BotCon 2008, Fracture is the GoBot Crasher. They wanted to call her that, but couldn't get the name."

That's even more awesome than Matt Trakker joining the Joe team!

I am having a total nerdgasm right now!

Here is old-school Crasher:

And here is "Fracture," the beautifully updated version of Crasher:

Wow.

I am so buying that toy.

And barring scale issues, I shall place her alongside Oil Slick from Transformers Animated (he's an anarchist!), who makes for a reasonable Cy-Kill:

I present to you arguably the most reviled action figure in the entire Sigma 6 series (which is kinda like being the most reviled child molester or something; people hated Sigma 6):

That there is Red friggin' Banshee.

Now, a robot what transforms into a motorcycle ain't a bad addition to the Cobra ranks, in theory. In this case, alas, the result was an awkward-looking robot and an even more awkward, comically out-of-scale, discouragingly delicate and unstable motorcycle. For proof, I will share with you a photo that single-handedly lends credibility to all the otherwise misguided, histrionic protests lobbied against Sigma 6:

*Shudder.*

I briefly had a Red Banshee figure, thanks to my pal TJ. I'd have never possessed one otherwise, 'cause Hasbro inexplicably saw fit to charge the Commando price of $15 for a crappy figure that didn't even come with accessories.

I tried several times to make something of my Red Banshee, but I failed to find any inspiration in such an insipid toy, and so I traded him off to a fellow collector.

...and then Raptor at Sigma 6 Central thought of a brilliant goddamn use for the Red Banshee.

This here is Zartan, from the Real American Hero series of the 1980s:

Dig that green skiff. That's Zartan's "swamp skier."

Perhaps you can guess where this is going...

Ol' Raptor gave everyone the idea:

And Vanishing Point decided to see the project through:

Naturally, I hate these goddamn people.

Meanwhile, though, a new idea has occurred to me.

Elsewhere, I have said before that The Challenge of the Go-Bots, while clearly irredeemably cheesy, was really not much (if any) cornier than its more celebrated sister show, The Transformers. Indeed, for all my self-aggrandizing rants at PopMatters and my self-indulgent toy photos here at Geek Creek, my only lasting contribution to the internet might well be a bare-bones post at Wikipedia dedicated to Bernard Erhard, the voice of Renegade leader Cy-Kill:

At the conclusion of one of those five-episode-long Challenge of the Go-Bots epics, Cy-Kill watched in horror as his latest convoluted scheme fell apart around him, and rather than spouting off with the usual "I'll get you next time!" supervillain nonsense, he offered a rather subdued plea of, "I can't believe this is happening."

Even at eight or nine years of age, I admired the voice actor's hilarious restraint, and those goof-ass Go-Bots have had a special place in my heart ever since.

Now, scale has always been an issue with Go-Bots and Transformers alike, both in their respective animated series and in their respective toylines. Cy-Kill, for example, towered over humans as if his alt-mode was a fuckin' aircraft carrier or something, when in reality a robot that doubled as a motorcycle would most likely stand no taller than your average human.

With all this in mind, I have decided to eventually procure a second Red Banshee figure, and to christen him Cy-Kill.

What I'll need to do, see, is commission one of my creative fellow geeks to paint my Red Banshee for me. You're probably thinking, "Sure! Red Banshee already boasts a close match to Cy-Kill's shade of red; just supplement it with some blue and white and you'll be set!"

Wrong.

I need someone to paint my Red Banshee black.

...and green.

'Cause this here repaint was always my favorite version of Cy-Kill:

(I like to think of him as Type O Negative Cy-Kill.)

What I'd do is keep my Red Banshee in his robot mode, and for photos or dios, if I wanted him to be in motorcycle mode, I'd use this:

And why not? I already have two of 'em. And really, it's not an unreasonable facsimile of Cy-Kill's repainted alt-mode:

So. To recap, then:

Am I really hoping to procure the most hated figure from one of the most hated toylines of all time? For a second time, no less? Only to then pay someone to paint it for me? All so that I can claim that it's some other corny character from one of the most hated cartoon series of the 1980s?

We had something of a humble Christmas party in my sixth grade classroom today.

Having lost ten pounds in the two weeks since I last posted here at Geek Creek, I allowed myself to fall off my no-sweets wagon for the day in order to partake of all the party treats, and better still, my lovely students gave me the following for Christmas:

1. A green T-shirt of an appropriately military hue, featuring the old G.I. Joe A Real American Hero logo in black.2. The 25th Anniversary Tomax and Xamot two-pack.3. A Valor vs. Venom Baroness figure.4. A Superman mini-figure.5. Creepy, squishy Wolverine and Iron Man heads; squeeze 'em and balloon bits pop out of their eyes.6. A Superman sweatshirt which, alas, doesn't fit.7. A bunch of candy.

And a few other kids said they'd be bringing me stuff tomorrow. Madness.

Also, I received a nice Christmas card in the mail from tall-drk-grusum and a funny photo card from Michael Crawford, and the customized Sigma 6 Indiana Jones figure Tara is buying from MacGuyver at Sigma 6 Central for me will be finished soon, and the Transformers guide book my dad and his wife bought me is good fun, and...

In the past decade, we have seen dozens of Incredible Hulk action figures based on two theatrical films, an animated series, and countless versions of the Jade Giant from his various Marvel Comics exploits.

What we have still yet to see is an action figure based on this most beloved and iconic version of the Hulk:

The closest we came was probably the now painfully-dated (if still charming) Mego Hulk, but I'm sure you'll agree that the likeness could stand to be more accurate:

Unfortunately, if it didn't happen when the movies were stirring up some momentum and public sentiment for the 1970s TV series, then it's probably never going to happen.

What must a man do for a Lou Ferrigno Incredible Hulk action figure? Won't someone please, please...

Make This Toy!

And while I've got your attention, let's go Double Feature on this, shall we? 'Cause NECA or someone really needs to give the world some updated sculpts of the Jim Henson-designed costumes from the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie:

Now, I'm not bitter about this like I am about the continuing absence of a Ferrigno Hulk toy, 'cause I for one absolutely loved the recent CGI sequel and its streamlined character designs:

While the toys based on those designs were very mass-market in quality, they were still reasonably recognizable, and I am content with them.

Added to which we have already received "Movie Star" Ninja Turtle toys based on the old school movie, and though soft and substandard for today's discerning collector, they were still arguably the greatest Ninja Turtle sculpts of all time until pretty recently:

Still, sharper sculpts and modern articulation would properly bring those fantastic old Henson designs to life, and the results would sell like mad. So perhaps someone should...

With about twenty minutes of sunlight left, I decided to visit the canyon for some last-chance photos before the end of my five-day break from work.

One of the twenty-some pics I deemed tentatively worth keeping is the following, wherein a lightly customized Sigma 6 figure stands tall and proud in the "Metal Mayhem" mech:

...and a few seconds after I snapped said photo, a breeze lifted Mech, figure and all, over the canyon rim.

Luckily, I'd happened to choose a section of canyon where the drop was only twenty to thirty feet; the Mech smashed into one of the protruding rocks below and appeared to shatter into several bigish pieces, which in turn flew in various directions another fifteen to twenty feet deeper into the canyon.

So of course I lifted myself over the rim and climbed down after the goddamn thing.

And to Hasbro's credit, neither the figure nor the Mech is broken; both legs flew off, but neither broke; I immediately reattached the right leg, and the only other apparent damage is three minor dings on the Mech's surface, which are barely noticeable in the first place, and which can be cheerfully dismissed as "battle damage," regardless.

Alas, after five fruitless minutes of searching, I was unable to locate the Mech's left leg, owing not least to the fact that the sun was quickly setting, and I didn't fancy trying to scale my way back up those mossy, precarious boulders in the dark.

I'll go early some morning next weekend and try to retrieve the stupid thing.

In the meantime, here's another photo from my dawn's-early-light Thanksgiving shoot, featuring my ridiculously self-aggrandizing autobiographigure and his new championship belt:

As your most trusted source for long-winded musings about the viability of Sigma 6 action figures as bases for ill-advised and comically inaccurate Marshall Bravestarr customs, I would like to reward the four or five of you for your many weeks of half-assed, distracted pseudo-loyalty with an updated photo of my toy collection:

(The Department of Context Would Like to Remind You That These Figures Average Eight Inches in Height.)

Mattel famously relaunched its wildly popular Masters of the Universe series back in 2002, but distribution issues and the like crippled the line, this despite arguably the Most Improved Sculpts Ever:

Now Mattel is re-imagining the property yet again as MOTU Classics, and while the new figures feature amazing articulation (the one weak point of the otherwise flawless 2002 series), they will only be available online, at a rate of one figure each month, and each will retail for twenty dollars. Before shipping.

Plus, Mattel ain't foolin' when it calls these new figures "Classic"; they're sculpted by the Four Horsemen, and you'll be hard-pressed to criticize them on a quality level, but whereas the 2002 series offered loyal designs that were then exaggerated and embellished in such a way that even the most wildly implausible and ridiculous characters suddenly looked badass, these Classics figures are designed to look pretty much exactly like the vintage figures, just conservatively updated.

Bah, I say, and have said since Mattel shared its first sneak-peek photo.

Who would want to go back to the identical body sculpt silliness of the '80s? (I forgot to mention that: the Classics series is going to rely heavily on reuse of molds; once again, He-Man and Beast Man will be the same dude from the neck down.)

I for one will not be shillin' out twenty bucks a month to buy the same figure over and over again.

Wow. I admit it, he's nice. He-Man was actually the weakest figure of the 2002 series; I actively disliked him. So this is easily the best figure of He-Man himself that we've ever received. Here's the proof:

I like how tall the Classics figures are, but it means you can't substitute Classics He-Man for the crappy 2002 version, which is a pity because I'd envisioned some cool collections consisting of Classics He-Man standing alongside the figures from the 2002 series.

I don't care at all for the Beast Man, Merman or Skeletor figures Mattel has revealed for their Classics lineup, which means He-Man's gonna be awfully lonely on my toy shelf. Even so, I think I'm going to get him; can you imagine how he'll look in the Eternia Idaho desert?