Is it creepy to pursue someone on Facebook?

If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. She also might provide an answer without waiting to be asked. That happens from time to time too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com.

Hi Beth:

I think a lot of us single guys would be interested to know your opinion on what women think about social media/online dating.

For example: Facebook recommends a Friendship Request for someone who you have a lot of mutual friends in common with but you have not actually ever met them. If you add this person as a friend on FB is it weird to message them and try to get to know them?

With the way our lives are integrated with social media, is it weird to approach the opposite sex via these platforms? Or should you just stick to the traditional ways of meeting other people? Every day it seems like there are more platforms than ever to meet random people (Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, etc.) but there is this notion that sending a Facebook message to a random person is creepy/weird.

How would you feel if you were approached that way?

– Matt

Hi Matt,

Great question. But first, full disclosure: I have never used online platforms to meet potential dates. I met my husband 12 years ago, and in those days, sonny, we didn’t use the interwebs to meet people. Well some of us did, but the general attitude towards such people was that they were hopeless losers. Thankfully that has changed, and it’s now as acceptable to say you met your other half on Match.com as it is to say you met them standing next to a keg in someone’s backyard. So I am approaching the answer to your question as an observer of online dating, but not as a participant.

I don’t think it’s weird at all for people to meet through social media. As you wisely note, this is the world we’re living in. And it seems odd to me that there would still be people who might judge those who meet online, as though drunkenly hooking up in a bar is a better method for finding love. Many people find online dating and connecting to be an effective way to find dates. I’m all for it.

As far as Facebook specifically being creepy or not creepy? I don’t see why it would be any different than an online dating site. And in fact, it seems like it could be a more effective way to meet people you’re likely to connect with. After all, if they’re friends with a large number of your friends, you can feel confident that they’re 1) probably not wackadoo 2) likely interested in some of the same things you are.

My motto for meeting people you might want to date is why the hell not? Yes, it’s easy for me to say that when it’s been over a decade since I had a date with a new person. But, truly, most of the time you have nothing to lose but a bit of padding around your ego from approaching an interesting person. Let’s say Facebook suggests an attractive looking woman as a friend. She’s friends with 15 of your other friends. She lives in town. What could you have to lose by shooting her a message along with a friend request and saying, “Hey, you must have gone to Northwestern too, you’re friends with a bunch of my college friends. Do you ever attend alumni events here?” If she’s not interested, or already coupled up, she’ll ignore you. No harm done, and while you might cringe as the days pass without a response, you’re able to deal with your shame in the privacy of your own home…alongside a bag of Doritos and a binge-watching session of Lost.

Remember when this was how people got dates? Social media doesn’t seem so scary, does it?

Is it a little scary to put yourself out there? Absolutely. But the potential benefits greatly outweigh the costs. If you are successful in nabbing a date you have the opportunity for a meaningful relationship. In my book, that’s worth it.

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