Taking a Gamble on Finding Happiness…

More Hurt Feelings

Like I said yesterday, the YoungBuck’s feelings weren’t the only ones I hurt this weekend (if I hurt them at all). I also hurt an Ex-Boyfriend’s feelings (I think).

You know the weekend was eventful when it takes you till Wednesday to get through all of it. Hopefully, today wraps it up.

So I have this ex-boyfriend. I may have written about him before. We dated for 3ish years I guess. He was always kind of a Cassanova. I’m not sure if it was because he was insecure and it made him feel good to always have women around him or if he just liked to be the night in shining armor and was always available to train wrecks of women who needed him to come in and swoop down to help.

I never really considered myself a trainwreck. Maybe because I was a single mom with three kids, people assume that I am. I’m not making any assumptions about why he picked me. But I will say, the whole time we were together, he had a large handful of female friends. I didn’t really care that he had female friends. What I did care about was that when they called him, he always referred to them as “beautiful” or “gorgeous.” When he would answer the phone, he would answer, “hey beautiful.” Which was the same way he answered the phone when I called. And it pissed me off to no end. I can’t even lie and say that I’ve let it go because I don’t really think I have. I think I still hold it against him. He had a party one night at his house right before we finally broke up and the whole night he was entertaining all of his female friends that he invited. By the end of the night, one of his guy friends offered to walk me to my car. He walked me out and asked me for my number. I told him that I was dating the host of the party. He looked at me in shock and said, “I couldn’t tell. He was with every woman in there tonight BUT you.” Now, maybe his friend was just trying to get some ass. But either way, he was telling the truth. This was a close friend of his. And he had no idea that I existed. All my friends knew he existed. And I guess it hurt my feelings. We broke up shortly after that. He moved to a different state. But when he would come into town, I would usually see him. We would usually have sex. That was never our problem. It was communication and honesty. Not on my side.

I’m not saying that I’m perfect. Because I’m far from it. But in this particular situation, it has always seemed one-sided to me. Whenever he would come into town, sometimes I wouldn’t know until the last minute. It was like I was an afterthought. He couldn’t find anyone else to occupy his time or his bed so he would call me. And he wasn’t calling to take me out on the town. He was calling to invite me to his hotel at 10 o’clock. If you were to ask him about this, he would completely and utterly deny it, but we all have our own perspectives. He’s helped me out with money every now and then. I will give him that. But nothing I didn’t intend on paying back or actually pay back. Even when he said, don’t worry about it. I always worried about it, because I don’t like having shit thrown in my face later and I don’t like owing people.

He would also check on me pretty regularly. Maybe once a week. Always when he was at work. Again, leading me to believe he only thinks about me when he is bored. And again, he would probably beg to differ. I will admit that I rarely check in on him. And maybe it’s selfish of me, but when we split, I was done with it. I never had any plans on us getting back together. He was the one who always mentioned it. I don’t like to go backward.

And like the YoungBuck, if he wanted to be with me, make a fucking effort. So this weekend, ex-boyfriend sends me a message that says, “hey, checking on you.” I send back a short reply. “I’m fine. Thanks for checking.”

I always say I’m fine. Even when I’m not. Most people don’t really care if you are actually fine. They just want to feel good about checking in on you. It’s kind of like asking someone how they are in the grocery store but then continuing to walk past before they can answer. We all do it. And it’s shitty. And I’m not one to pour my problems out to people. And if I do, it’s in a lighthearted, usually positive joking way (or on a blog, hahahahaha). However, he caught me in the midst of a bad mood, I guess you could say.

I said I was fine. He says, “good deal.”

I thought that was the end of the conversation. Or at least I was hoping it was, but instead, he goes on to ask me if I was mad at him because I was being short and treating him like a “basic friend” and not like “us.”

It kind of pushed me over the edge. And then I word vomited all over my texts. And told him that I always say I’m fine. Even when I’m not. And right now, I’m not fine. And then I went on to tell him how the guy I was writing for pretty much fucked me and left me in a really shitty spot by letting me go last minute and not giving me notice to find something else. Because that’s what a person with integrity would do, but instead, it took me a month to find something and I hadn’t paid my rent, phone, or utilities for June and it’s already July and those things are due again. But it didn’t really matter, because I’d work it out. Of course, every time I say I’ll work it out. He says, “You always do.” And it’s true. I do. But sometimes, I just don’t want to have to worry about it. I ont want have to work it out. And sometimes, I DO want a night in shining armor. And sometimes, I DO want it to be about me and not about someone else’s feelings.

Sunday was that day.

His message just completely rubbed me the wrong way. And after I lost my shit on text, I broke down and cried. Which I also never do. And then he wanted to try and make me feel like he’s always been there for me and blah blah blah.

But, he too, didn’t understand that reaching out when you are bored and making an effort to reach out are two different things. Reading my blog or keeping up with my life via the internet is completely different than calling me and having a conversation with me. And even when he does call me, it’s always him prodding me for information on my dating life and whatnot. He never wants to talk about what’s going on in his life because he wants me to believe that he’s just working and going home and that he’s been practically celibate since we broke up SEVEN YEARS AGO! And I wish I was such a fucking dummy that I could believe him. And I’m not even sure why it made me so mad. Probably because I was already in a stressed-out state of mind. And when I’m feeling like that I also feel like, “fuck your feelings.”

I didn’t add him to my block list. But I may have been a little harsh and got added to his, but quite frankly, I don’t really care. Because sometimes, you just get tired of being a convenience.

And you get tired of saying, “everything’s fine” when you just want someone to tell you it will be fine while feeding you heaping spoonfuls of ice cream and rubbing your head like a fluffy puppy.

Men like him are everywhere. I’m Nigerian and my immediate ex is just like this. The day we broke up, he had given one of his many female friends a lift and she kept flirting with him. He also told her she looked good while he had been snapping at me all day over some irrelevant stuff. Blocked him for a month and unblocked him two days ago to find that he dropped me a “hi” I responded and he carried on the conversation as if nothing had happened. We’re attending an event together this weekend and i have promised myself to appear like just a random friend of his. I hope I can see that through.