Mouth lines at a young age

Previously on Gossip Girl, Nate’s mom got Parent Trapped and agreed to date Nate’s dad again, Lily paid off Juliet, but her brother was mad that Juliet drugged her, and somehow Serena is committed to inpatient therapy, while Blair and Dan go for justice.

Sunny brisk NYC. Dan and Blair are on a morning date with coffee, and I squee. Actually they’re just running over how all Juliet’s nefarious plans, including drugging Serena, are actually kind of run-of-the-mill.

**NITPICK** They say that Juliet posted a pic of herself as Serena doing coke. Um, I have a pretty nice TV, Gossip Girl. If that’s what that picture was, can we please get a little more clarity next time? Did you all know that?

Blair’s bag implies she’s on a House Of Dereon run. I’m sure it’s from somewhere great and is upwards of two grand, but it’s tacky.

Blair knows Juliet must have done this for retribution in one way or another. She and Dan go into the Ostroff centre, where Eric is lecturing S. Apparently Lily is making nice with the Bass industries people via the NY Post, because Serena messed up the company image.

Serena wants her mom not to lie about where she is. I scoff. Someone asks if she has made a decision –

And Dan and Blair are denied entry. Blair goes classic, “Do you know who we are” while Dan implies boyfriend/brother status should let him in. Blair almost smacks him.

Eric informs them S will be having 72 hours of solitary, and not even Blair’s turban makes him flinch.

Nate and mom have wooden discussion about Christmas parties. Apparently, the UES is political! Who knew? Nate says dad has looked into renting a house outside the city. Shady…especially because Nate’s mom has to explain what all this means.

B is wearing insane tights and mocks Dan for suggesting they tell the truth to their parents. He just wants to stalk Juliet directly. These two are a delight together.

Dan wants to call in a favour to Gossip Girl – I love when she gets corporeal like this.

Juliet is fresh faced and ‘home’, off a bus. She’s ready to make it after all, in what, Star’s Hollow? Blair lounges temptingly on her bed.

Ostroff. Serena swears she can’t remember coke binge. But then points out that she’s such a tramp and has done so much that it’s all possible.

A flashback of Serena’s smuttiest highlight reel and then – we’re in Cornwall, Connecticut, where she went to escape from New York back in ‘06!

Blair and Dan are in a roadster, bumping along amusingly. She says she could stick her foot through the floor and run faster. Don’t tempt fate, B – I don’t want to see Leighton in the next Flinstones remake.

She says ‘let me consult the GPS’ and then snarks that she’s it, but then rummges with maps? What, these people’s phone plans don’t work in Connecticut? Please.

Lily and Chuck smarm a well-dressed extra out the door, and then Lily and Chuck have a noontime drink. And oh my God they’re flirty!!! Then Chuck goes in for the kill. When is he taking back the reins of the company? Lily bluffs that he can have it back soon. They are FLIRTY. I’m not lying.

Rufus gets puritanical about Lily drinking at what amounts to brunch.

Dan and Blair stroll up to a house with a billion expensive cars outside. He wants to know what they’re going to do when they find her, ‘pull her hair’? B is delighted at the proposition.

Inside, it’s a frat party. Weed, beer pong, stupidity the like of which we’ve literally never seen on this show. And in daylight! How gauche.

As girls in bras walk by, Blair reminds Dan Gossip Girl just gave them the address, and they should look for anyone/everyone.

Body shots. Blair visibly shudders. Then they come upon Kevin Zegers on a couch. Bingo!

Nate rejects dad’s parole on behalf of mom, and then Dad’s like “But I was going to get that house for your mom and me!” Please. Nate is all “Oh, I’ll tell her” but Dad tells him not to bother. He’ll just go live in a halfway house, NBD.

Zegers asks how Jenny is, Blair explains she banished her. Zegers is like “yeah, Serena and I hung out at Knightley, that private school she escaped to”. Somehow he also knows Juliet, who bought her Serena cocktail from him last week.

And here’s the girl herself, driving in what appears to be a Chevy Cavalier or something. She sees the awesome threesome get into Dan’s tin can. And panics.

We’re back, watching private-school Serena show everone else how to set absinthe on fire and drink. Then she dances to “Superman that ho” and makes Zegers, doing her homework, make it look like an A plus.

A woman with hair too long for her age (yeah, I said it) answers a door in Connecticut. “Mrs” Sharpe. Zegers looks for Juliet, but – no dice. She’s “running errands”. Blair pushes her way into the house, while Dan and Zegers look dumbfounded.

Mrs. Sharpe, with no subtlety whatsoever, says “You must know our Ben, he was ‘a damn good teacher, no matter what they say’. Apparently his last name is Donovan, which is why Zegers didn’t make the connection.

B makes a Mystic Pizza reference, and doesn’t Zegers kind of look like the rich guy who was slumming it with Julia Roberts? Zegers is all ‘yeah, he was fired for banging some student. Guess who?’

Rehab. S tells her therapist about “Mr. Donovan”. Flashbacks – S brings “Mr. Donovan” a coffee, and needs to ask questions about Sylvia Plath. He is utterly charmed by her, which I should also probably make a macro for.

Zegers is jealous in flashback, and in person, he gets all Hemingway and story-telly. He confesses that he saw Serena and Mr. Donovan check in. Then we see that Serena was the aggressor in this scenario – depending on whose vision we believe in here. Donovan is utterly chaste and tells her no. Boundaries!

S tells her counselor they never talked again. She concedes Ben Donovan was a pretty great guy.

Juliet and Ben talk. Juliet explains they’re in trouble…the Scooby gang is in town. Ben erases history by saying he told her not to drug Serena. He panics when she says she’s in the city. Tells her not to touch Serena.

And with that, Juliet strides into the Ostroff center.

Ben freaks out, and has no option but to yell to Nate, who just happens to be entering prison, to make Serena safe. Poor Ben.

Nate calls his boyfriend Dan, who says Serena’s phone is off. Nate blithely explains that maybe Serena’s in total danger. They’re not really worried in any way at all.

Serena, reading, walks into her room. Juliet’s there. How’d she do that? And what’s with the twin sweaters they’re wearing? They don’t look that much alike.

Hilarious bumpy British roadster. Blair is putting together her theories on what happened to Mr. Donovan, calls him a stalker, then says he and Dan are one and the same. Scrubs salt into the wound about how Dan doesn’t write anymore.

Serena and Juliet figure out what all went down. Juliet corrects me by saying she partied “like it was 2007”. She says Serena destroyed her bro’s life. S is all “who?”

Juliet explains, S is like “right, what did I do to him again?” Apparently Ben got charged with statutory rape and transporting a minor – there’s a signed affidavit. The lawyer tells Ben not to go to trial. He can start over, after a plea bargain.

Serena tells Juliet she never signed anything. And, as usual, things all come back to the wonderful deliciousness that is Lily. She blithely lies to some partygoer about Serena, and Eric pokes a hole in the story.

It looks a lot like the painting on their stairs is of Blair. I’m just saying.

Nate shows up at the party in plaid. He takes a little time to pout about the divorce. He’s a little too old to be playing one parent off the other, isn’t he?

Lily and Chuck are doing their flirty dance in front of everyone when Serena and Juliet walk in. So you can check yourself out easily enough then?

Blair and Dan and Zegers show up and Eric has a ‘biting’ line about recruiting virgins, but he says it like “version” which kind of kills the joke. And with that, Zegers out.

Serena, tired of taking pictures, starts to make a speech, and it’s nice that it’s reminiscent of when she blew the whistle on Eric being in rehab. She says Lily’s a terrible person, and takes off. You’d think she’d wait for the punchline, no?

Party. Lily smarms that Serena’s more of a spoiled brat than originally planned. Rufus gets surprised by some guy who tells him Bass Industries is being sold, and oh, didn’t Rufus know?

Everyone storms into Serena’s childhood bedroom, and that headboard isn’t as compelling anymore. Blair lawyers about all the illegal substances Juliet plied Serena with, but apparently that’s forgiven now. She lets Juliet off the hook, no big deal. Everyone freaks out, but Serena lets her go.

Serena storms out to confront Lily. Serena tells Rufus that Lily put Ben Donovan behind bars. So Lily starts to explain. Are you ready for this?

Constance Billard (remember the private NYC high school?) wouldn’t allow Serena back into school because her grades were bad, so she went to the Knightley school to talk them into (read pay them off) better grades for S.

But when she was there, girls were gossiping about Serena spending the night at the B & B, so Lily decided to exploit the story. Guys, this is the best.

Serena’s like “Let’s try again, you sent him to prison so I didn’t have to go to public school?” Lily is all “But I did it for you!”

And then the awesome, awesome kicker. Serena’s like “He never touched me. You sent an innocent man to prison.” Lily gapes.

Lily is floundering, and she is beautiful as always, but I wish she’d gotten coloured earrings for this closeup-heavy scene.

Serena tells her mom she basically owes her nothing. Then she’s followed out by a series of various brunettes. Rufus is all “I’m not buying what you’re selling” and goes upstairs.

Oooh, a ‘one week later’ card. Holiday dinner. Christmas? It’s just the five of them. S, B, Nate and Dan in plaid, and Chuck smarming about New Zealand and sex games. Serena tells us Lily is in Montecito, Rufus is going to meet her because he’s weak.

Serena says she’s taking a road trip and does Dan want to come? Her life is perfect so she was reinstated at school, no problem. She’s going to go find the judge and ‘convince’ him to get Ben out of jail.

Serena apologizes for ‘springing a roadtrip’ on Dan. He protests, sort of. He’d love to but she needs to do it on her own, no? She’s been doubting herself, so she’s going to work on it. He knows she’ll succeed.

Chaste kissing…and wow, some people have some mouth lines at a young age, don’t they.

Nate and Dad discuss halfway houses. But Nate says Dad can live with him. Roommates! He’s even buying him new clothes. How cute. What?

Dan washed dishes, Blair tells him he doesn’t have to stick around – and they realize they’re the only two people in town for Christmas, and IT IS HAPPENING! I TOLD YOU ALL! GLOAT GLOAT GLOAT!

You guys, they are dressed the same, they are flirty, it could not be better.

Ben is in a holding room. Serena walks in. She says she ‘had to’ come see him. And apparently there’s no guards in here? Get it on, guys.