Friday, April 22, 2005

one of these days I'm going to cut you into little pieces

you hum it, I'll play it. oh, I see, it's like that. I got 1 thing to do today which is really 18 things which I have to put in 1 place, all chopped up and ready to go. I just had that lovely designer and the very lovely program manager give me everything I could ever wish for, and so I just need to extract the semantics and identify the local business requirements and goodness me, it'll be like a barn dance where everyone drink's Dad's cider and falls into a trough with a pig holding their trousers over a bucket while Charlotte writes "feck!" in her web.

twould be troo if I could get down the 01603 exchange and just stick the 2 bits of chicken wire together that have apparently fallen apart and caused an entire city to lose internet access on and off for 2 days. I work from home. I'm 3 hours from the nearest office. Great. but it's not me I'm worried about. Noone will believe me anyway, so I'll just have to fit my entire 2 days work into an intermittent 2 hour window while some BT engineer has accidently enabled everything by squatting over a drain and conducting electricity through his dangling tools. From his tool belt. I'll then have to send a hilarious email describing how I fell of my roof during a meeting of the Rod Hull fan club and so I've been offline for a bit and everyone will forgive me as they laugh uncontrollably into my performance review. No, the people who I'm really very concerned about are the ones who might have to get the dust sheets of their X5s and actually visit Tescos in person - rather than having the online order picked out by hand by Beverley Maggots, who's washed her hands at least once this week and *thinks* that's a Gala Melon - mingling with the chavs and mardy local gits from east of the city as they pick out their Organic Guacamole by squeezing in between Grant and Ashley who are sticking a Star Wars sticker book into the eyes of 4 year old David Rio Michael who's standing up in the trolley tipping Walkers crisps over the side and pooing his pants just so he can get a slap and use it as an excuse to leave home at 14 and walk up and down my street scratching his name into the offside door of our Scenic.

quick check under the desk and I have 3 green lights on the Wireless Network 1250, which I'm expecting to all suddenly go off any minute just after Jensen Button has jump started from row 6 and everything will be irrepairably broke for the rest of the day. I'll have conference calls of course, but I've got no idea what number to call as all the details are kept on my Sun Java System calendar, which is on the other side of my Cisco VPN client which is installed on my Windows XP which is running on my Sun Java Workstation W2100z which has a Broadcom NetXtreme Gigabit Ethernet card which has a ethernet cable coming out of it which is connected to my Netgear RP614 router which has a cable coming out of it which is connected to my Wireless Network 1250 modem which has a phone wire coming out of it which is connected to the first BT box on my wall which has a hamster behind it who has won a free holiday for 2 weeks or a telly or 50 quid cash, and he's been calling a premium rate number for 17 hours and started chewing his own foot off to escape. aah.