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Ladies Fantasy Quarterback Draft – Stand By Your Man

The quarterback. The team leader. The play maker. The American symbol of all that is intelligent, strong, and virile. And as such, the quarterback is the ultimate fantasy position for the Ladies.

We thought we’d mix up the usual fantasy football draft this year and select just the hottest quarterbacks in the league. QB’s we can cheer for all season, not based on what they do for our team stats, but what they do to stir our passions both on and off the field.

Oh sure, we will have the rest of the team to think about too, but we are only really concerned with our football boyfriends. Our boys will play head-to-head in a two-division league, 14 week season with a three week playoff. Each Lady will select her main squeeze and the man she keeps on the side.

TheStarterWife – By the way, Texy has opened the door for blatant homerism, so I am rethinking my pick.

EDITOR’S NOTE – The next email apparently was only sent in my mind as I cannot find it, but in response to a threadjack from Clare about baseball, I picked Ben Roethlisberger.

TheStarterWife – Andies up.

Andrea – Here’s some trash talk: how am I up? Did you pick Humpty Dumpty Roethlisberger?

TheStarterWife – Texy did a homer pick, which allowed me to. I was going with someone hotter, but really, who’s hotter than the man who has already taken you all the way to the end? If you know your QB can get the job done, you stick with him.

Holly – Wait, so what do the Steelers do, then?

Andrea – That’s a yes then? Sweet.

Alright, here I go. I really, really wanted to pick Peyton Manning b/c I’ve always thought he was really cute and the SNL thing really sealed the deal. Plus, I enjoy the Colts b/c they’ve got my boys Dallas and Bob. HOWEVER: I remembered how upset I was when, in a CFB team draft, the guy right before me picked Iowa. So, Manning shall remain untouched and I’m taking my hottie from The Lou, Marc Bulger. Clare-bear, Infamous Chutley Plunker Blogger, is on the clock..

Clare – Even though Donovan McNabb is still up for grabs, I’m going to have to take Rex Grossman. The period of time since I last Did It is a lot longer than the last time Donovan Did It, and I know the Sex Cannon is a sure thing. (“It” in Donovan’s case means “played football.”)

Plus, he looked so cute in that suit with the sweater vest underneath.

TheStarterWife – DO NOT BELIEVE THE HYPE. THE “REX CANNON” is neither Sexy or Rexy.

Clare – Oh, me and the Sex Cannon are on, TSW. Like Donkey Kong.

Holly – Hey, some people dig troglodytes.

Clare – I TOLD YOU, I’M IN A DRY SPELL. I HAVE NEEDS, PEOPLE. God, you bitches are mean sometimes.

Clare – Hey, at least I called us Fuck Lionesses and not just straight up Cougars. A fuck lioness chooses who she’ll bang; a cougar bangs indiscriminately.

Andrea – Well, also Fuck Lioness doesn’t necessarily imply age. I mean, if SA is a cougar…..she’s probably also a felon. : )

Holly – Also, SA at least is too young to be a cougar. (Lucky.)

TheStarterWife – I’m the oldest and I am still a good 10 years from being cougar age. We’re safe. Since we have time to kill, anyone want to lay money on who Metschick picks?

Holly – Mr. Met.

TheStarterWife – I bet Philip Rivers. Don’t ask why, but I do.

Clare – I got $5 on Leinart. Just a feeling.

Andrea – Gotta be Eli Manning, right?

Metschick – Hells no. I have no use for that waste of space. Chad Pennington is at least cuter, but again – another waste of space with an arm held together with gum & rubber bands.

I was going to pick The Dreamboat, but then I realized that just having him on my fantasy roster might impregnate me (my fertility+ his virility = Brady on Board), so with the 5th pick in the Ladies… Fantasy Draft I select: Philip Rivers.

Mostly for this look:

Metschick – I couldn’t pick Leinart for the same reason I didn’t pick The Dreamboat. (And yes, I realize that Rivers has 3 daughters, but he’s also married – and all I crave for right now is a little domesticity.)

TheStarterWife – Dammit I just realized we’re at Holly and no one screwed her on her pick.

TheStarterWife – Which is why it is such a shame the hot one cannot play football anymore…

GordonShumway – Is it my turn? I want Drew Brees.

Just in general. But also as my QB. I dig the older men and he’s got me by 6 months. Plus, he was a video Jeopardy question once and let’s face it, I’d really like to ride him hard enough to unscramble HBO.

TheStarterWife – DAMMIT. (I was hoping everyone forget about him and he could be my back up.) His final year at SD he was fantasy gold for me.

Andrea – He was the one I was debating between with Bulger. We’re running off with our Wrestling Buddies, Bulger and Brees, J-money.

SA – Like my first pick is any surprise. And yes, I would let him get me pregnant. We could raise a family of future Michigan QB’s. The Dreamboat-Tom Brady.

SA – OK, y’all gotta give me a minute for the second pick. I was hoping Brees wasn’t taken yet.

TheStarterWife – Take your time. I was just thinking how well this worked out for you. This has to be one of the first drafts in history where Brady goes 8th.

Metschick – Only cause we’re the realest bitches alive.

SA – I want my future son to be able to say that about me. I think that would be a proud moment to be called da realest bitch alive.

Ok, next pick. Matt Hasselbeck. He’s such a cutie. And I have a thing for bald guys.

GordonShumway – My #2? Jake Delhomme.

He’s not THAT hot, and he’s not THAT bright, but due to his endorsements he probably gets free Bojangles and Time Warner Cable for life. For that alone, I’d let him put greasy fingerprints all over me.

Also, he’s not the most mobile of QBs, so I like to think he wouldn’t be able to resist my advances. Or grab the last biscuit.

Texas Gal – Jesus. A girl goes away for a couple of baseball games (and 6 hours of drinking afterwards), and all hell breaks loose.

Andie doesn’t pick Brady Quinn?
Ben R. is somehow labeled “hot”?
Tony Romo is somehow labeled “not hot”?
Dreamboat isn’t selected until #8?
And I get accused of homerism for drafting Vince Young? VINCE YOUNG?!? Have you SEEN him? He is HOT. Like, hot of the smoking variety.

With the sixteenth and final pick, I’m going to draft the hottest man alive- he’s rough and he’s tough and he’s got a drawl that’ll knock you out at 100 paces.
My all-time greatest sports crush, and the most perfect man to walk the planet… BRETT FAVRE.

Andrea – Thank you on the Romo backup. Wily Texy strikes again!

Texas Gal – He is UNBELIEVABLY hot. Like WHOA. If he could just lose the butterfingers, he’d be pretty much perfect.

Andrea – Where were you last night when Drunk TSW was having a fit? *whispers* She drafted Roethlisberger!

Texas Gal – No, I missed it. But if she was drunk drafting, seems like she and Benny Boy are perfect for each other. Geddit? BECAUSE HE LIKES THE HOOCH.

Andrea – BECAUSE HE LIKES THE HOOCHIES. fixed

Texas Gal – Can I just say how extremely happy it makes me that no one drafted Leinart? (no one drafted him, right?) Because I hate that guy.

TheStarterWife – You know what is hot? A SUPER BOWL RING. What was drunk drafting was my pick of Carson Palmer. How can I live with myself all season now, knowing that when I am weak, I will go to the enemy?!?!?!?

Texas Gal – Two words: HATE SEX.

TheStarterWife – Hate sex with Palmer? His knee will go out.

Texas Gal – He is a fragile snowflake.

Holly – Now be honest, who ranked their players in order of hottness and who did it by skill?

TheStarterWife – Ben is hot/homer. Carson Palmer I was drunk and all the hotties I wanted were taken. (Rivers, Brees, Carr. )

Andrea – Holly, I did a mix. I definitely put hot/talented players at the top, dropped talented uglies down, brought up a few hotties who aren’t that great.

TheStarterWife – What is funny is that when you took Carr it meant that the two Carolina QB’s were taken back to back.

Holly – He is my A#1 hot-tay. Fuck the Houston front office right in the face.

Clare – Truth? The only homework I did before the draft was google “fantasy football qb ratings.” Then I marked off who was chosen, when, and by whom, and just picked from whoever was left over.I really did want Rex though, because, well, he’s the sex cannon!

SA – I did the same thing Clare.

Yahoo’s autodraft decided that we all needed a third string QB on the bench, or as I like to to call them, “QB’s our mothers would pick out for us”. If any of the Ladies end up starting these gentlemen during the season, expect to hear endless taunts involving curfews, bobby socks, and heavy petting. They are –

I do so love to read these conversations. And I’ve learned now that Alex Smith has got it going on, but if it were pure hotness-based, I’d have to take Carr.

My friends and I have an ongoing joke about how hard it is not to call Philip Rivers by his full name. This means that he sounds like a character out of an early-’60s musical or teenage girl book. “I hear Philip Rivers is going to ask you to take his pin! What are you going to wear?!” It’s getting to be a pretty involved little world.

Dear God. You Ladies just earned a Visionary Thinking Hall of Fame nomination at the Laminated List Fantasy Draft. I’m conferring with the rest of The Starting Lineup about your candidacy. Also, you’re officially invited to serve as male athlete correspondents from here out. Keep doin how you do.

PS
The Friday Foodies have been outstanding. They are quite handy for the weekly dinners I’m now in charge of.