A Jewish Diet for the Ages

Cornell Medical College has embarked on a research project to determine if there is a genetic reason why Ashkenazi Jews to live so long. Jewcy provided their own dietary plan — grapefruit and an egg for breakfast, sardines and horseradish for lunch — for a healthy Jewish lifestyle.

Perhaps in an effort to promote longevity, they overlooked the age-old cry of the Jewish mother: “Ess! Ess!” (Eat, Eat!). While Jewcy’s diet might help you live the longest life, we will heed Woody Allen’s advice: “After all, there are worse things in life than death. If you’ve ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know what I’m talking about.” We avoid dinners with an insurance salesmen and never shy away from a line up of Jewish culinary delicacies (old and new).

So bottoms’ up Cornell Medical College, and remember what the Ashkenazi Jews believe: there’s no better way to celebrate the fact that you’re alive than by eating yourself to death. As Grandpa Pickles, in the 90’s kid’s movie ‘A Rugrats Chanukah’, once cried over latkes: “the miracle is that these things have been clogging our arteries for two thousand years, and yet, we survive!”

Breakfast
Start your day off right with cheese or potato blintzes with marmalade — fat, carbohydrates, and processed sugars. Blintzes are ‘light’, making it easier to consume many in a single sitting.

LunchThe Instant Heart Attack: The 2nd Avenue Deli’s heart-stopping sandwich ‘consisting of two large potato pancakes with your choice of Corned Beef, Pastrami, Turkey or Salami’ is a great way to add years to your life, or shed a few pounds from your wallet — it retails at about $24.

OR

The Dr. Goldstein Horseradish): Shelsky’s classic old world treat consisting of chopped liver and horseradish sandwiched between two schmaltz fried latkes, will clear your sinuses and help you keep your eyes open to see the bill your doctor hands you for your clogged arteries.

DinnerCholent. You may have trouble finding a doctor to prescribe you this tasty meat stew instead of Sominex, but it tastes better and never fails to lead to a Saturday afternoon nap, perhaps an eternal one, after a long day.

Dessert
Rugelach or babka. Because 2,500 calories a day just wasn’t enough.