Posts Tagged shallow

So last year I watched The Bounty Hunter, which was a terrible experience to say the least. But I remained positive that most romcoms are better than this. Then I watched Valentine’s Day, which was too dire to even write about. So for a long time I have stuck to watching TV shows (if anyone’s keeping track, I finally obtained, and massively enjoyed Angel :D). But the other day, I came home from a long day at uni, or work and I was too tired to watch an intense episode of Firefly or something. So I decided to download a romcom! Having recently read a list on Listverse of the Top 10 Movie Wedding Disasters with Bride Wars featuring at number 10, I was well up for some movielite!

So the cast: Anne Hathaway; Kate Hudson and others. This is Kate Hudson’s type of movie, although I do NOT like her hair in it. And she’s some sort of brilliant lawyer, which requires even me – the romcom queen – to allocate large amounts of brain power to successfully suspending disbelief. Anne Hathaway – what can I say? She is much better than this movie. Her character in the movie is much better than this weak ass plot. Which leads us to…

The weak ass Plot: Two girls who have been best friends since they were like five, get engaged at the same time. The wedding planner (apparently the best in New York – uh yeah right!) messes up their bookings so that their wedding ends up being booked for the same day at the same time at the Plaza. For many stupid and inexplicable reasons, this date cannot be changed, there is no other date until three years from then, no one will swap with them, there is no chance of a double wedding and none of them will just have their wedding at another hotel or any other compromise. Chaos and hilarious pranks ensue.

Liv (played by Kate Hudson) has always been the stronger character and won’t stand down. Emma (Anne H.) has always let Liv have her way and just wants to get what SHE wants for once. So after neither of them look like backing down from that day, its all out WAR. Liv steals Emma’s DJ. So Emma sends Liv chocolates and cookies so she can get fat and no longer fit into her Vera Wang dress. Then Liv spikes Emma’s tanning solution so she ends up oompa-loompa orange instead of a soft bridal glow.

Emma in turn spikes Liv’s hair-dye solution and her hair:

"is BLUE. ITS BLUEEEE" - Oscar-worthy performance!

Some more shenanigans include Liv stealing Emma’s montage-DVD (THIS IS IMPORTANT LATER) and of course, the dance-off.

In which Emma overshadows Liv at her own Bachelorette party, because somehow her ballroom dancing classes have led to her being an expert in stripper- and break-dancing. And it also appears that Liv does not even know what dancing is – only able to wave her hands helplessly like an alien while Emma breakdances circles around her. There might have been more pranks but to be honest I skipped athrough all that the first time and only knew to find the dance montage because I wikipediad the movie later.

Finally… Its the day of the wedding. Both girls have crappy maids-of-honor because they couldn’t be each others. Emma’s parents come to say hello to Liv anyway (I think hers are dead? Or anyway they’re gone) and she feels bad and decides to swap back the DVDs. Her maid-of-honour/assistant however assumes its a prank (HOW? WHY? WHO DOES THAT?) and throws the DVD in a flowerpot. SO then, instead of a lame cute video montage THIS happens:

EMMA ON SPRING BREAK!! WOOO- no?

and then – BRIDE WARS!!

Seriously. I initially fast-forwarded through all this crap, because honestly – I was like WTF have I just wasted precious hours of my life on? But then I had to rewatch to get the screencaps therefore rendering my frantic clicking through the movie moot. Oh well.

But then it turns out that Emma doesn’t even get married. Her boyfriend doesn’t like what she’s become. Wikipedia tells me that he was too controlling, but if I was gonna marry someone and they turned into some psycho bridezilla (groomzilla) I’d deep-six that shit too. I missed the nuances of their utterly realistic relationship due to fast-forwarding though, so maybe he was super-controlling! Kate Liv gets married happily. And you think thats the end but its NOT. See? Coz, a year later Emma gets married to Liv’s brother. Which is not made obvious at all throughout the movie (sarcasm).

And then it turns out they’re pregnant at the same time and due on the same date (June 3rd, if anyone cares). Then the movie ends. I smell a sequeeeel :).

Womb Wars: Two best friends had always dreamed of giving birth in Cedars Sinai Hospital, Room 666. There was deep sentimental value for both of them to this room. By some strange coincidence, they are due on the same date! Neither will give up the room, but only one can give birth in Room 666. Who will win… the Womb Wars!!

Anyhooow… some random thoughts:

Movie less than an hour and a half, still felt too long.

Are there really people in this world who feel this strongly about their wedding?? I don’t even care about mine. But seriously, these women are best friends. And they are horrible to each other. I was genuinely horrified that some people reviewing on Amazon felt it depicted a realistic bride. Whoever you are bridezillas- ITS NEVER THAT SERIOUS.

I didn’t even fast forward through Hannah Montana the Movie (although I was in Brussels so you know… different situation) but I fast-forwarded through this.

Anne Hathaway is truly much MUCH better than Bride Wars. But at least everyone seems to know this.

I googled womb wars to see if anyone had somehow already come up with this idea and made an awesome picture because I’m too lazy. But all there was was right-wing pro-life propaganda with pictures of creepy fetuses (fetii?). America ruins everything.

You probably already knew this about yourself: you’re a Jessica. Prime interests? Boys, sexiness, yourself, and the sexiness of keeping boys in proximity to yourself. Cut loose and enjoy it, but try not to cause too much damage while you’re

My life is so cool. Legitimately just spent the last two and a half hours playing Plants Vs Zombies.

It came as a free trial on my computer and I LOVE IT. I’m so sad that I only get one more go. And that I have work tomorrow and had to cut my sesh short. I was in the zone! Killing them zombie bitches like noone’s business! Seriously though, I was actually planning to watch a movie tonight , I decided to play a little game for a half an hour and the next time I look up its 11.30. Also I haven’t eaten dinner! This game is so awesome and I love it like a fat kid love cake.

So if you want to do a good deed for a very needy person, BUY ME THIS GAME. And I will love you forever and ever, amen. Real talk.

*One of these days blogging about stuff I want will work, and I will get everything I want and then everyone will envy me.*

As you may all or may not know… the worst thing that could have happened has! The Hills is over! OVER. I’m so sad. Thank God for reruns, because I don’t know how I would make it otherwise.

I’m actually very sad that its over. Now what will I watch at work? Especially since MTV won’t even let me watch Season 6 yet, let alone S7! Stupid racist MTV.

Anyway, first off, lets say goodbye to Lauren and her valley-girl drawl. Most famous for the awesome quote:

“I want to forgive you and I want to forget you.”

which I have yet to use in a fight with a frenemy (I need a frenemy BTW, any applicants?), she will also be remembered for her Laguna Beach appearances (rewatch it. Seriously underrated), her fights with Kristin Cavallari over Stephen, who was NOT cute, and for giving up going to Paris (PARIS!) for Jason the druggie cheater sex-tapey sleazeball. But let’s not forget, she’s written three books and has several fashion lines!

These weren't ghost-written at all!

Anyway Lauren was always my favourite character – both in Laguna Beach and in The Hills. Now let’s look at her friends. First Whitney.I guess what people will miss most about Whitney is her scarily-wide open eyes when she’s “shocked”. Maybe also her ability to ask Lauren inane questions and to never talk about herself. I have never watched her show The City so I’m not sure how she’s doing as a main character. I wonder if she has to stop herself from opening every question with “So what’s going on between you and Jason/Brody/Doug/Whoever”. Anyway she left The Hills after Season 3 or 4, so lets not think too much about her.

Now Audrina. What can one say about Audrina. Michael K calls her CeilingEyes and has the best pics of her eyes looking extra ceilingy. Example:

She was also dumb enough to believe that Lauren would hook up with her on-and-off boyfriend Justin Bobby. I don’t know, I guess that’s pretty much it. She also dated Ryan Cabrera, who sings shitty songs that I am glad I don’t know. His Wikipedia page (linked above) says that he is famous for “dating Ashlee Simpson” and was given the ” honor of Bands (Artists) You Should Know to Sound Cool” by Avril Lavigne. LOL. So cool. At least she broke up with him. That’s the smartest thing she’s ever done.

And the intern sitting next to me just caught me writing about The Hills. How embarrassing.

And last but not least, Lo. My favourite of all Lauren’s friends – because she was fun, smart, sarcastic and the most normal. But I don’t have much to say about her since she’s not a fame-whore. Also I’m paranoid about being caught essaying about The Hills again. Its tempering my creative flow dammit!

Since I can’t watch Season 6 or 7 (legally) I won’t talk about Kristin Cavallari. Except to say I guess she brought the drama.And also had an on-and-off with Brody Jenner. Wow.

You’ve waited a long time and here it is ladies and germs… the long-awaited How to be Sophisticated truth!

The beginning of a new era in my life all started about a week ago. I was Googling something completely and utterly relevant to my work such as “How to make friend groups on Facebook” (useful for blocking your bosses for seeing you on FB chat btw) or “How to watch the World Cup online” – don’t bother – when I saw that one of the sites Google pulled up was “How to be Sophisticated (for teens!)”

Feeling curious, and slightly excited (don’t judge me!) I opened the page, to be greeted with this gem:

There are many ways to act sophisticated. Sophisticated people are similiar to classy people, although money means less in sophistication. You will find that people will think of you as intelligent and mature.

Intelligent AND mature?? I was instantly sold. I have now vowed to live everyday according to this brilliant creed. You should take a look, if you want to be even half as sophisticated as I am now. I’m not a teen, but I wish I had read this when I was one. My life would be so different now. I’d probably be a Lady Of Leisure For Life™ married to an international businessman, eating Eggs Benedict and caviar for breakfast and enjoying after-dinner port. The good news is – its never too late for me… or for you!

If only...

Now for the tips. Firstly, and this isn’t obvious at all:

5. Control yourself in public. Refrain from running around, screaming, waving your arms wildly if you see someone you know. A cool wave and a smile will do the trick

Groundbreaking, I know. I used to run and scream wildly all the time when I ran into an acquaintance, but now I’m so cool with it. In fact the only thing I would add to the above is a “cool wave and a disdainful smile”. Blair-like.

Another helpful tip is:

8. Be punctual. Always arrive at your destination at least 30 minutes before you are suppose to be there. Wake up extra early. People will not take you seriously if you are late to things. You are letting people and their expectations down.

Please, as a future Sophisticated, endeavor not to let people and their expectations down!

Last but not least (for me anyway) is HAIR TIPS.

About the hair….women, styling your hair is a must, unless your hair is naturally perfect, which I highly doubt. […] If you are African American, avoid dying your hair blond….it looks fake.

…Women, keep your hair no longer than the middle of the back, as longer hair than that is tacky.

LOL BEYONCE! You ain’t it! For me I have to say, I had this one covered! Just helping all the Beyonce and Riri wannabes out.

Sophistication Fail

And that’s my good deed of the day. Enjoy your new life of casinos, yachts, tailored clothes and international businessmen. Thank me later. (WITH MONEY!)