Quotes by Subject

WHEAT: A cereal from which a tolerably good whisky can with some difficulty be made, and which is used also for bread.Ambrose Bierce 1842-1914

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

They drink with impunity or with anybody who invites them.Artemus Ward 1935-1867

Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed by the facts.Finley Peter Dunne 1867-1936

CHILDREN/FAMILY

What maintains one Vice would bring up two children.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

Happy is said to be the family which can eat onions together. They are, for the time being, separate from the world, and have a harmony of aspiration.Charles Dudley Warner 1829-1900

I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.Artemus Ward 1834-1867

It is not observed in history that families improve with time.George William Curtis 1824-1892

There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: twins.Josh Billings 1818-1885

Familiarity breeds contempt – and children.Mark Twain 1835-1910

COMMON SENSE/LIFE OBSERVATIONS

There is no good in arguing with the inevitable. The only argument available with an east wind is to put on your overcoat.James Russell Lowell 1819-1891

Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take.Josh Billings 1818-1885

Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.Josh Billings 1818-1885

Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done.Josh Billings 1818-1885

I have lived in this world just long enough to look carefully the second time into things that I am most certain of the first time.Josh Billings 1818-1885

I have never known a person to live to be one hundred and be remarkable for anything else.Josh Billings 1818-1885

It's not only the most difficult thing to know one's self, but the most inconvenient.Josh Billings 1818-1885

Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.Josh Billings 1818-1885

The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust.Josh Billings 1818-1885

The wheel that squeaks the loudest is the one that gets the grease.Josh Billings 1818-1885

There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.Josh Billings 1818-1885

Threescore years and ten is enough; if a man can’t suffer all the misery he wants in that time, he must be numb.Josh Billings 1818-1885

When I see a bird that walks like a duck and swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, I call that bird a duck.James Whitcomb Riley 1849-1916

Watch out when you’re getting all you want. Fattening hogs ain’t in luck.Joel Chandler Harris

A tart temper never mellows with age, and a sharp tongue is the only edged tool that grows keener with constant use.Washington Irving 1783-1859

There is a certain relief in change, even though it be from bad to worse! As I have often found in traveling in a stagecoach, that it is often a comfort to shift one’s position, and be bruised in a new place.Washington Irving 1783-1859

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.Mark Twain 1835-1910

I have made a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.Mark Twain 1835-1910

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.Mark Twain 1835-1910

Necessity is the mother of taking chances.Mark Twain 1835-1910

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.Mark Twain 1835-1910

Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.Mark Twain 1835-1910

The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.Mark Twain 1835-1910

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.Mark Twain 1835-1910

There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.Mark Twain 1835-1910

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.Mark Twain 1835-1910

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.Mark Twain 1835-1910

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.Mark Twain 1835-1910

CONCEIT

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

Flattery is like cologne water; to be smelt, not swallowed.Josh Billings 1818-1885

It is fortunate that each generation does not comprehend its own ignorance. We are thus enabled to call our ancestors barbarous.Charles Dudley Warner 1829-1900

One of the best temporary cures for pride and affectation is seasickness; a man who wants to vomit never puts on airs.Josh Billings 1818-1885

Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.Mark Twain 1835-1910

When people do not respect us we are greatly offended; yet in his private heart, no man much respects himself.Mark Twain 1835-1910

When red-haired people are above a certain social grade, their hair is auburn.Mark Twain 1835-1910

EDUCATION

A learned blockhead is a greater blockhead than an ignorant one.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

An investment in knowledge pays the best interest.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

Mishaps are like knives, that either serve us or cut us, as we grasp them by the blade or by the handle.James Russell Lowell 1819-1891

One thorn of experience is worth a whole wilderness of warning.James Russell Lowell 1819-1891

Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.Mark Twain 1835-1910

Silence is not always a Sign of Wisdom, but Babbling is ever a Folly.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

People always overdo the matter when they attempt deception.Charles Dudley Warner 1829-1900

Some people are so fond of bad luck they run half way to meet it.Douglas William Jerrold 1803-1857

The foolish and the dead alone never change their opinions.James Russell Lowell 1819-1891

Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldn't be any fun living in it, or profit.Josh Billings 1818-1885

The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way.Josh Billings 1818-1885

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.Mark Twain 1835-1910

HAPPINESS

Goodness comes out of people who bask in the sun, as it does out of a sweet apple roasted before the fire.Charles Dudley Warner 1829-1900

Mud-pies gratify one of our first and best instincts. So long as we are dirty, we are pure.Charles Dudley Warner 1829-1900

No man but feels more of a man in the world if he have a bit of ground that he can call his own. However small it is on the surface, it is four thousand miles deep; and that is a very handsome property.Charles Dudley Warner 1829-1900

One of the best things in the world to be is a boy; it requires no experience, but needs some practice to be a good one.Charles Dudley Warner 1829-1900

Happiness grows at our own firesides, and is not to be picked in strangers' gardens.Douglas William Jerrold 1803-1857

Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.Nathaniel Hawthorne 1804-1864

Happiness must be cultivated. It is like character. It is not a thing to be safely let alone for a moment, or it will run to weeds.Elizabeth Stuart Phelps

Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.Mark Twain 1835-1910

Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.Mark Twain 1835-1900

Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.Mark Twain 1835-1910

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven. Mark Twain 1835-1910

There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one – keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.Mark Twain 1835-1910

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.Mark Twain 1835-1910

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.Mark Twain 1835-1910

HONESTY

A lie with a purpose is one of the worst kind, and the most profitable.Finley Peter Dunne 1867-1936

There ain't any news in being good. You might write the doings of all the convents of the world on the back of a postage stamp, and have room to spare.Finley Peter Dunne 1867-1936

Trust everybody, but cut the cards.Finley Peter Dunne 1867-1936

The new year begins in a snow-storm of white vows.George William Curtis 1824-1892

The greatest homage we can pay to truth, is to use it.James Russell Lowell 1819-1891

About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment.Josh Billings 1818-1885

As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.Josh Billings 1818-1885

No man for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true.Nathaniel Hawthorne 1804-1864

A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.Mark Twain 1835-1910

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.Mark Twain 1835-1910

Better a broken promise than none at all.Mark Twain 1835-1910

Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it.Mark Twain 1835-1910

To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.Mark Twain 1835-1910

Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.Mark Twain 1835-1910

Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn’t.Mark Twain 1835-1910

When in doubt, tell the truth.Mark Twain 1835-1910

LEGAL SYSTEM

LITIGATION: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.Ambrose Bierce 1842-1914

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

God works wonders now and then; Behold a lawyer, an honest man.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

A good lawyer, a bad neighbor.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

Don’t misinform your doctor nor your lawyer.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

Creditors are a superstitious sect, great observers of set days and times.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

It is as truly folly for the poor to ape the rich, as for the frog to swell, in order to equal the ox. It is hard for an empty bag to stand upright.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

He that rises late must trot all day.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

He that waits upon fortune, is never sure of a dinner.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

He that lives upon hope will die fasting.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

If a man could have half of his wishes, he would double his troubles.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

If you would know the value of money, go and try to borrow some.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

Up, sluggard, and waste not life; in the grave will be sleeping enough.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

Make haste slowly.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

Necessity never made a good bargain.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

Never confuse motion with action.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

The Things which hurt, instruct.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

There are three faithful friends - an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

One Man may be more cunning than another, but not more cunning than everybody else.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

We must, indeed, all hang together or, most assuredly, we shall all hang separately.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

When in doubt, don't.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

A Slip of the Foot you may soon recover, but a Slip of the Tongue you may never get over.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

When you're finished changing, you're finished.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

He that sows Thorns should never go barefoot.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

Your net worth to the world is usually determined by what remains after your bad habits are subtracted from your good ones.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.Josh Billings 1818-1885

A great idea is usually original to more than one discoverer. Great ideas come when the world needs them. Great ideas surround the world's ignorance and press for admission.Elizabeth Stuart Phelps 1844-1911

The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little.Mark Twain 1835-1910

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does all the work.Mark Twain 1835-1910

POLITICS

CONSERVATIVE: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.Ambrose Bierce 1842-1914

INCUMBENT: A person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents.Ambrose Bierce 1842-1914

REVOLUTION: In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. Ambrose Bierce 1842-1914

ULTIMATUM: In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions. Ambrose Bierce 1842-1914

VOTE: The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country. Ambrose Bierce 1842-1914

Politics makes strange bedfellows.Charles Dudley Warner 1829-1900

Public opinion is stronger than the legislature, and nearly as strong as the ten commandments.Charles Dudley Warner 1829-1900

The thing generally raised on city land is taxes.Charles Dudley Warner 1829-1900

I am not a politician, and my other habits are also good.Artemus Ward 1834-1867

Why don't you show us a statesman who can rise up to the emergency, and cave in the emergency's head.Artemus Ward 1834-1867

The best thing I know between France and England is the sea.Douglas William Jerrold 1803-1857

There are no friends at cards or world politics.Finley Peter Dunne 1867-1936

Democracy is the form of government that gives every man the right to be his own oppressor.James Russell Lowell 1819-1891

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.Mark Twain 1835-1910

RELIGION

FAITH: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.Ambrose Bierce 1842-1914

MONDAY: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.Ambrose Bierce 1842-1914

PRAY: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. Ambrose Bierce 1842-1914

RELIGION: A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable. Ambrose Bierce 1842-1914

SAINT: A dead sinner revised and edited. Ambrose Bierce 1842-1914

God heals, and the doctor takes the fee.Ben Franklin 1706-1790

Religion is in the heart, not in the knees.Douglas William Jerrold 1803-1857

A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks the Lord would do if He knew the facts of the case.Finley Peter Dunne 1867-1936

Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at.Josh Billings 1818-1885

Most people repent their sins by thanking God they ain't so wicked as their neighbors.Josh Billings 1818-1885

Man – a creature made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired.Mark Twain 1835-1910

Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah…didn’t miss the boat.Mark Twain 1835-1910

The Christian’s Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.Mark Twain 1835-1910

WARPED

Comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable.Finley Peter Dunne 1867-1936

Don't jump on a man unless he is down.Finley Peter Dunne 1867-1936

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.Finley Peter Dunne 1867-1936

One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need the money the most, are the ones that never have it.Finley Peter Dunne 1867-1936

Vice is a creature of such hideous mien…that the more you see it the better you like it.Finley Peter Dunne 1867-1936

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.Mark Twain 1835-1910

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.Mark Twain 1835-1910