We were very impressed with your application as a whole. Your LSAT score and undergraduate GPA were commendable; your personal statement was insightful, displaying exceptional depth and maturity; and your recommenders were convincing in their portrayal of you as a most unusual candidate, in whom the intellectual breadth of Bertrand Russell combines with the humanitarian values of Mother Teresa.

As is our custom, we have cross-referenced your profiles on LSN and LSD. Unfortunately, due to your significant and growing habit of contributing useless posts on these sites, we regret that we must deny you admission. We are certain that we correctly matched you to your online identity, as you are the only one-armed applicant this year who is partnering with Peruvian NGOs to develop the internet market for alpaca wool.

However, after personally doing an extensive background check, I concluded that your mother is, in fact, NOT the girl that I was dumped by in high school and have been trying to reconcile with/stalk for several decades now.

Due to this glaring error on your part, you serve no purpose in coming to this institution. Perhaps your mother broke some other obsessed dean's heart.

Mr Shears

When you were concieved, abortion was legal. We are still trying to fathom why your mother did not elect to have one. Instead, she chose to burden the planet with a worthless dullard. Next time you see her, please ask her why for us.