Inside the Systemis a blog series about mental health, being hospitalised, fellow patients, and the things I've experienced last few months. I started to write because I had no idea how to deal with what was happening, and how to warn others, and because I wanted something I could read back, that would remind me where I never want to be again in my life, emotionally. The Inside The System series is part of Project Blue is a Wave.

The Inside the System blogs will be uploaded non-chronologically, but the actual time-line in which these events happened can be found here (and will be updated once new blogs follow).

Names of fellow patients have been changed to protect their privacy. Below the timeline there's a short description of which patients I met I'm writing about, and what mental-health problems they're dealing with. These patients have all become close friends of mine, and know I'm writing about them, and gave me permission to do so in order to spread mental health awareness and open up the conversation about (suicide) prevention and getting help. All recurring patients are between 20-30 years old, and I met them inside the hospital. Some of them even worked/studied to become health care professionals themselves; if you met them in the street, you probably wouldn't guess they had any problems, due to the invisibility of mental health problems. People with mental health problems can be your own teacher, parent, neighbour or friend.

Nathan.Nathan was involuntarily committed for suicidal behaviour and depression. Nathan was picked up at the train-station by the police, and transferred to the involuntarily committed psychiatric ward (where I met him), after first being forced to be involuntarily committed on the closed department of the hospital for a few weeks. Nathan suffers from depression, which caused him to drop out of nursing school.

Michael.Michael was voluntarily committed after family problems that got out of hand. He suffered a concussion a few years ago which lead to him losing his ability to write, speak and think properly. Instead of seeking medical help, he avoided it, and taught himself how to do everything again. He used to work in the creative scene, and has been trying to get his 'drawing hand' back. During his stay at the hospital, he got diagnosed as autistic.

Greg: Greg was involuntarily committed after taking an overdose of his medication. He woke up in the hospital after his suicide attempt, and was forced into isolation for a week after trying to commit suicide inside the locked ward. Greg has been committed twice, and was initially diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I met him through Michael, who met him in the hospital. Greg, just like Nathan, dropped out or nursing school due to depression. Greg kept secrets from his mental-health professionals and what was really been happening inside his mind; it turns out, his problems are much more complicated than everyone originally thought.

MarkMark was voluntarily committed for the problems surrounding his diagnose ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). He's been in an accident, causing him to have spinal surgery which made him have to give up on the dangerous sports he did. He's in debt relief, and is trying to build his life and body-strength again. I met Mark on the open ward, where he developed a close relationship with another patient.

ShiraShira was voluntarily committed due to impulsive behaviour, manic episodes and drug-abuse. She developed a close relationship with another patient while hospitalised. Because she would be easier to identify than all the other patients I write about due to her difficult life story, I've decided to be very careful with sharing her story when it comes to details.

MelissaMelissa was voluntarily committed to protect herself and give her parents "some time to breathe" due to the psychotic manic episode she was going through. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and suffers from psychosis, due to which she wasn't able to go to school for a year; she's been learning to become a mental/social healthcare professional herself. Melissa is trying to deal with her mental health issues, and getting back to school.

WalterWalter suffers from bipolar disorder, just like Melissa. He suffers from psychosis too, and manic episodes. I met Walter at the hospital's hostel; where he was staying too, just like I was after my hospitalisation. Walter is studying to become a chemist.

AnnaleeAnnalee suffers from depression. She was hospitalised after she had a psychosis after a weed-overdose, causing her to attack a police officer who tried to help her after she tried climbing off the balcony of her own apartment. She was mentally and physically abused by her ex-boyfriend, has been involuntarily and voluntarily committed, and is trying to get her life back on track.

HuanHuan has been diagnosed with pretty much everything, from borderline personality disorder to psychotic. Due to this he's lost a lot of faith in mental health care, because every specialist diagnoses him with something else, and his medication constantly changes due to it. I met him inside the hospital, where he's been committed voluntarily for months already. He's been inside many different systems since his teens, and is working towards living on his own but with special help, and is waiting for a place inside a system that provides these things for him.

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I hear the snide voice of Exurb1a through the phone. I've never before heard such a cold voice directly aimed at me. Sure, I've had arguments with people before, but hearing this tone come out of someone's mouth, is definitely new to me.