I’m observing the tussle between several views originating from the same mind. They discuss what is liked, what can be liked, what cannot be liked, what is not liked. What I should be, what I shouldn’t be, what I could be, what I couldn’t be. What I got, what I didn’t get, what I didn’t get but someone else got. What I should say, what I shouldn’t, how I should react, how I can’t react, how I shouldn’t react. “Don’t react!”

I notice my mind struggling to generate an unambiguous performance report. It assesses, was I rude, was I polite, should I have been ruder, should I have been more polite? Was I cunning, did the situation permit me to be cunning? Am I good, am I a good human being, what is a good human being? Was I good enough, am I good enough, am I better than the rest, am I the best? I want to be the best, do I really want to be the best, am I doing enough to be the best, do I have to be the best?

I watch my mind trying to build my identity. It investigates, do I like this, do I love this, do I like it ‘cause you like it or do you like it cause I like it? Do I like you? Does it matter? What do you think? What do I think? What do you think I think? What do you think she thinks? What do you think she thinks he thinks? Why is everybody thinking so much? I don’t care what you think! Or do I?

Motivation, agitation, instigation, inspiration, aggression, greed and bias can evoke a revolution if you are armed with words. So, if you want to effectuate change, being a good orator will help. He who has learned the art of grabbing ears has earned the opportunity to create a revolution by infusing a goal, an opinion, or an emotion into the listeners’ minds. He plants a clear thought that can be nurtured in brains of varying caliber. He plays around with the thought knowing or unknowingly. As a result, even the wisest man cheers with the crowd, curses with the crowd, prays with the crowd, sings the national anthem with the crowd and lets himself get carried away by the immense energy of the floating thought, intentionally dropped into the sea of minds by the speaker. The damage is done. The outcome of a Gandhi and that of an Adolf Hitler is yours to see.

Scenario #1: You are thrown into a group of unknown faces and asked to talk about yourself.

Limitations: None.

Challenge: Prove your worth.

Let’s see. You shake hands or drop in a “hi” or exchange smiles (warm or fake) depending on your style. You ask a series of questions about their work, their qualifications, their lifestyle and their interests. You take the opportunity to disclose your achievements, mention your university (especially if prestigious), highlight your qualifications, your hobbies, maybe talk about the family and their achievements and so on. From the information gathered you more or less figure out the pay cheque received by your opponent and you give them an idea about what you receive. Then, you switch to general topics, maybe current issues, and drop in a few jargons or argue over facts and figures (the “who knows more” discussions). By the end of the session you impress a few while some manage to impress you. You know where you stand based on the image you’ve created in the room.

Scenario #2: You are thrown into a group of unknown faces and asked to talk about yourself.

Limitations: Do not disclose your age, your qualifications, your job description, your investments and your achievements. Do not use any jargons because that may give the opponent hints. Similarly, do not talk about interests that give hints about your lifestyle.

I have always been the quiet one in class, in my group, at work, everywhere. I still am unless I am drunk or caught in a debate. I am the skinny creature who has to sit with the largest creature on the school bench, in the car, on the bike because nobody else fits. You will often find my miniature bum next to the heaviest bum in the room. So, if you think I am socially inept, it’s because there is no “room” for socializing.

Coming back to the quiet bit, I’ve been working on my conversation skills off late. No. Actually, I’ve been working on my disinterest in conversations. You see, some of us love to talk endlessly about anything and everything random, abstract or meaningless “stuff”. But some of us don’t see the point in discussing that piece of information, thought, opinion or “stuff”. I belong to the latter category.

I’ve thankfully been flanked by very talkative personalities who, by virtue of their talkativeness, don’t expect sound emissions from my mouth. That allows me to be the spectator or the mysterious “wise one”. I don’t mind that. At times, they can be very inquisitive but they are skilled at satisfying their own inquisitiveness. So they ask questions about themselves and answer it themselves or ask questions about you and switch topics before you can respond. And no, they are not rhetorical questions. The talkative folks are the “self entertainers” that I can only dream of being.

We silent folks, on the other hand, may seem socially incompetent but that’s not because we are incapable of talking. We don’t see why conversations with predictable outcomes need our intervention. Neither do we understand why people with short term memory ask questions when they are disinterested in the answer. We don’t know why we must narrate a 30 minute long chapter based on a two minute squabble we had with our partners. When asked what we like about a movie, we like being specific. We don’t like to recount and enact the entire story. We can’t fathom how a facebook status and the subsequent comments can be expressed as a significant event and explained in minute detail. We don’t twitter to be followed. We don’t get how your encounter with the hot neighbor gains entry into our conversation for the seventh time in a week. The basic difference is we don’t ask you what’s up because we don’t want to know what’s up and you don’t want to know what’s up with us either yet you ask, “What’s up?”

Anyway, I’ve decided to alter this domain of my life. I guess it’s good to be expressive and broadcast your opinion. It will only tell me how many of us are on the same page. If a social networking status can be made amusing then why not? If an argument can be replayed, if a movie can be re-dramatized, if a hot neighbor can be revisited, then why not do it? Not all conversations will be productive and why should they? I’ve come to the conclusion that a large part of our lives is made up of “kill time” conversations. Our silence through these doesn’t count as “productive”.