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Personal issues -internal problems and behaviors that cause you problems in relationships

After a year long relationship, my SO[20f] and I[21m] broke up after a long battle that is not entirely relevant to what my post is about. In the time that we spent apart she ended up having sex with a friend of her family that she had been close with in the past but I don't think anything had happened before then. She told me about this, and that it didn't mean nothing to her and that she didn't know what to do about us. I don't know the extent of the time and actions they spent together got to in the time that we were not together, but her and I were able to settle the differences that we had and decided to work together to be happier and healthier together. Now, post-breakup, it is still weighing on my mind that she felt something with this guy and that it was something that she was thinking about when it came to working us out.

I never was a sexual person while I was growing up, lost my virginity to this girl(a year to the day from when she ended up having sex with this guy, which is terribly ironic), and love her very much, but all I can think is that she is still thinking about this guy. I've never experienced that sort of action with someone else, so I don't know what the post-thoughts are after hooking up with someone under those circumstances. We've made great plans for our future(living together eventually, marriage, etc) that she has been actively supporting but there is just this voice in my head that I should talk to her about what happened, but I'm afraid to because our relationship is still in stages of rebuilding.

How do I go about pushing out and moving on from this knowledge in order to be happy with this girl seeing that it happened at a time that her and I did not have ties to eachother that would have made this a break of relationship trust?

Any thoughts are very welcome.

Thanks

tl;dr SO has sex with another guy while we are broken up, now back together, how do I move past this?

It's always easy to rationalize things like "I know we weren't together..." but truth is it still sucks to think of and it can hurt.

Here's my advice: you can ask ONCE why she did it or if it meant anything, after that take her word for it and trust her (easier said than done, I know, but I've been there). After that do not - I repeat - do not ask for details (been there too...sucks). Your mind wants details so it can make sense of the situation in a weird weird way we feel like if we "know everything" then we know everything which is just not true and it's torture.

You weren't together, things happen, dont seek revenge because it's just not right.

I do trust her, which is why I'm comfortable being with her and loving her.

The testosterone in me wants to obviously go make sure this kid knows that that was it and he shouldn't even think about her again, but he is a family friend that I am inevitably going to see many times in the future, and I don't want to make things what they shouldn't be, especially for her sake. I have her, and that is what matters.

Not just testosterone in you pal, it's called being human and in love and protective. I'm a girl, I have at times felt similar and been in situations. Hate to break it to you but it's just as much her fault as it is his...and messing with family friends can just be a no. No need to puff our your little gills....you have the girl,
Don't do something to jeopardize it

Just because she had sex with another guy does not mean she loved him. It could have just been a platonic thing or she was testing the waters after you. And it shouldn't detract from what you two have together.

Think about it this way. Just think for a second that the "dream" you both have doesn't work out. Are you going to rule out all other girls in the world because they have had previous partners/boyfriends? That's just not healthy. You just have to trust your girlfriend and realize she is with you because she wants to be with you.

She probably slept with the guy to get over your breakup. She probably realized after that you were what she wanted, that this this thing with the guy felt empty or something close to that. I don't think she slept with him because she really wanted him, unless you think there's reason to think otherwise.

I think that your first thought is correct. I have just never been in the position that she is, I didn't do anything with anyone while we weren't together so I'm ignorant to what could possibly be in her head after doing it.

They were broken up, so what exactly is there to get even about? She didn't cheat; they weren't in a relationship at the time, so she didn't do anything ethically wrong. Probably she was a bit heartbroken and trying to get over then end of her relationship.

You can get over this, but it has to be all or nothing. Meaning, this isn't ammo for a later fight, there isn't some scale that has to be balanced, and you can't think of yourself as the "better" partner. If you do any of that, you're basically screwed from the start. I know it is t fair, but it's also why relationships don't typically overcome cheating or time apart.

That doesn't mean you can't talk about it or you should just get over it. You just need to approach it as something YOU need to work on. Talk to someone, anyone, and try to understand she wants to be with you. Tell her you aren't looking to fight, it's just hard for you to imagine her with someone else and for a little while, it'd be nice if she was somewhat overly affectionate. Not smothering, but enough to reboot your self-esteem.

No, I've made my own share of mistakes in our relationship so it would be unfair if I were to begin to think that I was any better than anyone.

The self-esteem boost would be something much appreciated, don't have a whole lot of that regularly, so a kick to it really drops it pretty low. I have a pretty well dressed outer shell of self-esteem, but the whole don't judge a book by its cover thing is something that rings pretty true.

If it bugs you that much, who says you have to get back together with her?

Don't let others tell you what a good or not-good-enough reason is to stay apart. If this is going to be a real bug up your ass, move along.

You certainly don't need to stay with her because she took your cherry. Hell, that may actually be good reason in and of itself to explore being single again, meeting other women, etc. Sometimes our vision can be blurred by someone being "our first."