With interest in Sheenanigans waning faster than ever in light of actual news, Charlie Sheen has taken the bold step of breaking out beyond the hermetically contained seal of his “media tsunami” (an especially poor choice of words, in hindsight) and launching in earnest his second-wind career as a living meme: Monday it was reported that Sheen had struck a deal with Live Nation, who will handle all of the merchandising of his “intellectual property… 'tiger blood,' 'winning,' 'Adonis DNA,' all that stuff” across various catchphrase-emblazoned ephemera, and last night Sheen revealed further plans to cash in by taking "all that stuff" on the road. The “My Violent Torpedo Of Truth/Defeat Is Not An Option Show” is so far scheduled for two dates in Chicago and Detroit, where Sheen promises the following: “Will there be surprises? Will there be guests? Will there be mayhem? Will you ask questions? Will you laugh? Will you scream? Will you know the truth? WILL THERE BE MORE?!?! This IS where you will hear the REAL story from the Warlock. Bring it. I dare you to keep up with me.” It is surely destined to be the Mark Twain Tonight! of our age.

In the meantime, that “real story”—which is more accurately the ongoing act of “performance art” that we "all fell for," as Sheen described it to Australian radio network Nova yesterday—continues to sag under increasingly dull, wearying facts. Sheen’s headline-grabbing $100 million lawsuit (which Two And Half Men creator Chuck Lorre dismissed as “simply imaginary” and “about a fantasy 'lottery' pay-day for Charlie Sheen”) is already headed for arbitration, at least on Warner Bros.’ end, which means that Sheen’s obvious hope for a grandstanding public court battle may soon dissipate into a quiet closed-door session, especially if Lorre’s attorney is successful in making his client part of that arbitration as well. In other words, it would hardly be the “war” that Sheen has been preparing over the last several weeks.

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So with the threat of things turning mundane while Sheen still has his marketing to consider, he’s ramped up the action on the homefront: Last night Sheen’s house was swarmed by the LAPD after receiving a call about Sheen attempting to harm himself with a firearm, something his restraining order from ex-wife Brooke Mueller prevents him from having. Rumors abounded that the police may also be looking to involuntarily commit Sheen under a 5150 psychiatric hold, but of course, that also turned out to be false. Instead, all investigators found were a rifle from the 1800s and “a few bullets,” which were apparently handed back to Sheen in accordance with his constitutionally guaranteed right to protect himself from invading Sioux. Sheen—who busied himself eating hamburgers in his backyard while the police searched his home—eventually addressed the situation on Twitter, saying, “the LAPD were AWESOME. Absolute pros! they can protect and serve this Warlock anytime!!!” and later adding, “101 and on the black. 50 cops in my home. they all left. I'm still here. WINNING? 24/7.” Yes, nothing says “winning” like not going to jail. In that sense, we are all winning 24/7.

Having found no other weapons (not even the machete that Sheen was spotted waving from a rooftop earlier this week, later revealed to belong to a Live Nation employee), the police left, only to return an hour later after a strange person was found in Sheen’s yard. The 26-year-old Missouri man was booked on trespassing charges and convicted on RadarOnline of being a “crazed stalker” and on TMZ of being an “obsessed fan” who was trying to get some “facetime with his idol.” If only he’d waited, he could have just bought tickets like everyone else. And given that the fascination with Sheen has likely already reached its tipping point (and the situation in Japan only hammers home the shame), he probably could have gotten them cheap.