Cream for Stepfather

August 30, 2019

– Hello, everyone, and
welcome to Erotic Book Club. The book club where
we read erotic books. I am your host, Jess Ross. With us again is our
beautiful guest host Janie. – Thank you. – Thank you so much
for being here again. – Thank you for having me. I’m so excited. – Yay. – Yay. Reika is a busy girl. I think she’s in
New York right now, doing very exciting
things for Dropouts. We’re excited that she’s
there, and we love Janie. – Thank you. – So this is a win-win. – I love it. I feel at home here. – And, of course, we love you. Thank you so much
for being here, whether you’re listening to
us wherever you get podcasts. Whether you’re
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Club, but all of our podcasts. Tales from the Closet,
Adventure Academy, as well as all of our shows. D20 has a brand
new season that’s finishing up probably by the
time that you’re watching this. Paranoia is in full-gear, so
lots of fun things going on. And our favorite part of
Dropout is the Discord where we get to talk
directly to you guys and really make you feel
like you’re part of our book club, which you are. I have some comments. I made most of them
all Kate themed. Kate is my fiancée, for those
of you who have watched multiple of these, and a bunch of people
commented on her and the things that she did, and
it was so cute. I wrote them all down. OhRyanOx said, did Kate try
to drink out of a fake candle? If you’re listening to
this without visuals, we have a bunch of
fake candles around. And she did. It’s a running gag. If we go to a restaurant,
she likes to do it. And it always cracks me up. [LAUGHTER] Because you can’t
be drinking candles. That’s crazy. – She’s a crazy lady. – It would be horrible
if she tried– did she ever do it with
a real candle and like, come close to burning her face? – No, she’s very good. – OK, good. – She’s a professional. – A prankster. – Yeah. Smallsnoot, Smallsnot had
to physically sit down after listening
to Kate’s erotica. – Whoa. – Physically sit down. – Yeah. – Instead of
figuratively sit down. – The knees were
shaking, they’re like oh, I got to sit down. And then Jimbles drew a
picture of Kate’s erotica– which if you didn’t get a
chance to listen to the Superman episode– Kate wrote her own erotica
about Batman and Superman making love. And Jimbles drew a gorgeous very
two thick Superman and Batman making love. And then finally a
not-Kate themed one, but Miss Atomic Bomb. After the Superman
one, we talked a lot about consent and
respecting yourself. And she was just very thoughtful
to share a story inspired by that, and the theme of it
was kind of treating people with respect. And I just think you’re
so awesome, and thank you for sharing that in our
Discord, because we love that. So moving onto the
topic for today. We have read this week Cream
for Stepfather by Celia Styles. – Truly the best
title of any erotica. – There’s like a lack of
adverb or something in there. – Subtlety. – Cream for my– it’s just like cream
for stepfather. – Cream for stepfather. – I like it. I like it. – (ACCENT) Cream for stepfather. [LAUGHTER] – As always– [LAUGHTER] – It feels like guttural. – Guttural. – It does, yeah. It feels extra nasty, for sure. – Yeah, for sure. – So we knew we would
need some experts to dive into something– you know–
just reading the title you, already get this
visceral reaction. Cream for Stepfather. So we had to bring
in some experts. With us, we are so lucky
to have our incest expert. Please welcome, Lily. – Wow. Huge aficionado. Huge expert. – Thank you so much
for being here. Are there any incest
facts or anecdotes that you could share with us? – Incest expert makes it sound
like I have partaken in incest, and I just want to clarify
that is not what that means. – Yes, Lily has not
partaken in incest. Just a fan of. – Yeah, just a fan of it. – Just a big fan. – Wink-wink. I’m an only child,
so actually, I feel like incest feels way
more in a fantasy realm for me. I think people with siblings
are like, ew incest, ew. – Yeah. – My family’s very small. None of us have ever fucked. Feel safe. – This is very funny, because
before this podcast started, you were telling me
how your mom likes to stalk you on the internet. So this would be a nice
thing for her to find. – It’s true. – And then, Jamie, would
you like to introduce? – Oh, am I an expert? – No! – Oh. – Because usually I introduce– – Oh, I’m sorry. Oh my god. Well, this is
really embarrassing, but I don’t remember your name. I’m so sorry. – Oh, that’s OK. This is Knutti. Knutti, yes. – Yes. – I can handle this one. Knutti is here as our
stepfamily expert. – Yes. I have studied it. I know very much about it. Stepfamilies. And I can tell you any
facts you need to know. – You are actually a
part of a stepfamily. – I am a part of two
separate stepfamilies. – Whoa. – Whoa, how does that work? – Well, my parents were
divorced when I was five, and then both of them
remarried, and they don’t speak to each other. So it’s like two very distinct,
separate stepfamilies. – Wow. – Interesting. – Is anyone else a
part of a stepfamily? – Mm-mm. – I’m not either. – No. – We had cousins
living in my house. We had a duplex, and my
aunt and those siblings did, so it’s probably closer
to incest than step. – Yeah. – Moving on, fun
facts about all of us. If you did not get a
chance to read along, Cream for Stepfather. The characters that you’ll
need to know is Natalie, she is the stepdaughter, and
Robert is the stepfather. I don’t think we really delve
into any other characters besides those two. It’s pretty much just
the story of these two. Our story starts off, chapter
one, Natalie is at school. She’s driving in her car. She’s stressed out. A bunch of exams have happened. She’s about to go home to
have a little bit of time off, but something else has
happened while she’s at school. She’s going through a breakup. The guy that she has been
seeing kind of on and off casually has texted
her or called her– I don’t remember
how it happened– and then they broke up. – I think he texted her? – I think he texted her, too. – Yeah, it’s like
a lot of backstory to humanize her and show
what state she’s in. – Yeah. I did like the
way it was written though, it felt very much–
because she was like, it’s not heartbreaking, but I’m still
kind of pissed off about it. – She felt empowered. It felt more like,
I’m now in a position to make better decisions
after what has happened. – Yeah. – Yeah, I really liked that. I like that it wasn’t like,
the love of my life is gone. It’s like, oh, this dude I
was just hooking up with, and now that’s done. It felt like it made her feel
very real to me right away, as opposed to maybe other
ones who always feel like, I’m a just a very poor
sad student who loves to do charity every second
of the day when I get a chance. It’s like, nah, I was
just fucking this dude, and it didn’t work out. – I will say, for a
long time it was like, this is the college I went to. Final exams happened
in this way, and here’s what I’m studying,
and the college is actually 1,500 people. And I was like, OK. When– – If you’re not fucking
all those 1,500 people, we’ve gotta move on. – As someone who has never
read a pay-to-read erotica, just like free short
little stories online. I’m like, this is
a lot of backstory. – Yes, it’s a lot. – Really? – And we also have the fake
filler name for a college. It’s like, OK. What kind of school
are we talking about. – Yurdsley. – Yurdley. – Yurdsley. – Yurdsley. – It feels like that’s– – Like a Yale. – An Ivy league I got the vibe. – Yeah. – Just let you know
what she is like. – Just name it. – Just name it? – Just say what
school it actually is. – Maybe that would put
your own prejudices on it, and it’s supposed to
be part of the fantasy. – Yeah, yeah. – She is looking
forward to spending time with her mom, who pretty much
her entire time growing up was single. Even in her late 30s, she
still looked fantastic somehow. Could you imagine a
38-year-old woman. – One old hag, ew. – And her 21-year-old daughter. – Yeah. – There was a lot of
talk about, don’t worry. Even though she is an ancient,
disgusting 30-year-old, she looks pretty good. And then with him, too, it was
like, even though he’s 50– – I know! – Right. – You know he’s
like, quite young. – He gets 20 years different. No one would ever
say, the man– oh god. Even though he was in his late
30s, he still had it going on. – I know. – Some one would
still suck him off. [LAUGHTER] So she was– oh, like
the hottest mom around. All the divorced dads
want her, but she just was waiting for
just the right guy, and that is when she met Robert. – Important to know in
erotica that everybody wants to fuck these characters. – Right. – That’s how you
know they’re hot. – Hottie, hotties. – Yeah. – He’s in his early 40s. He’s desperately smart, with
the kind of nervous grin that sent every waitress we
ever had into a manic flutter. – I have so many– – I also had
questions about that. – Let’s all see what we think
that nervous grin looks like. – Oh. – What does that mean? – Because I sat there
and I was trying to be like, what’s up with
the sexy, nervous like– – That would send you
into a manic flutter. – That makes waitresses. – To a waitress. – Waitresses wait
on lots of people. – Maybe something like– [LAUGHTER] – Oh, I’m in a manic
flutter right now. – It’s a bit of
like a Hugh Grant. – Yeah. – Oh, oh. – Yeah, like– – It was kind of the vibe I got,
like a very like, oh, oh, um. – Oh, that’s fun. – What does desperately
intelligent mean? – Those two words
don’t go together. – Just his whole description. I was like, what does that mean? – There’s a lot of adjectives
that are just thrown in there. – Oh, but Hugh Grant, though. – Just dreamy, it was
kind of the vibe I got. Like, oh, it’s so unattainable,
he’s just so smart in a way that I can’t even
wrap my brain around. – Well, I would say Hugh
Grant is really good. I was imagining more
like a Dennis Quaid type. – Huh! – Like a dad. – Dennis Quaid! – Yeah, wait do I mean him? I mean him, right? From Parent Trap. – Yeah. – Quintessential dad. – I looked up men in
their 50s who are actors, and I made a list. And Dennis Quaid
didn’t make the list. – You looked up
men in their 50s. – You could say, yay or nay. Robert Downey Jr. If we
wanted him to play Robert. – Too confident. – A little too
confident for this role. Colin Firth. – Oh, yeah. – Yes, definitely
could see that. – I’m seeing British now. – Yeah. – Russell Crowe. – Too angry. – No, yeah. – Too angry. Not desperately intelligent. – He’s such as sock. His head is just L-shaped. Nicolas Cage. – No. – No! – Scary. – Laurence Fishburne. – OK. – Paul Giamatti. – No! – Yeah! [LAUGHTER] – I used to have a really
big crush on Paul Giamatti. – I think he’s fun. – Like in Sideways, I was
just like, I would just love to chill with him. Like roll down and nap a hill. – He did a string
of great movies. American Splendor. – I loved him in that. Even then he’s like this
hairy, disgusting man. – You’re attracted to talent. – I think I am. – Benicio Del Toro. – He’s a little rugged. – Yeah. – Ooh, a little too rugged. Mark Ruffalo. – OK, yes. – Yeah. – That is a yes. The ladies like that. – OK. Wow, we could cast
this erotic book. We’re all on the same page. – A little too
cream for Ruffalo. – Cream for Ruffalo. – Jamie Foxx. – Jamie Foxx? – Yeah. – Too confident. – Yeah, confident. – Keanu Reeves. – OK, maybe. – Don Cheadle. – OK. He could play it. He can get it. – Keanu is too Keanu. Don Cheadle, yes. – Ken Watanabe, Watanabe. [LAUGHTER] – It’s just people
from John Wick. These are three
actors from John Wick. – Laurence Fishburne
was, too, right? – Or Ken Watanabe
was in– sorry– Detective Pikachu, which
we just watched last night. – He was in Detective
Pikachu, that’s what made me horny for him. – Yeah, I see it. – I was like, ooh. I forgot how hot that guy was. And then I thought, maybe
he could be in the movie. – Yeah. – OK, so it sounds
like Mark Ruffalo. – I think so. – Yeah – I think he got the part. – OK, so her stepfather’s
Mark Ruffalo. – OK. I know we’re going
right into the story, but can I talk about
some before stuff? Is that OK? – Of course you may. – The cover– I couldn’t tell if the color
tint on my screen was wrong, but is his torso bright purple? – It did look that way. – Oh, I think that is pulled
from a stock image gallery, and whatever it has it’s from
someone’s faulty computer. – I missed that detail. – You don’t think the author
has any control over that? – It’s just like torso
with too many abs. [LAUGHTER] – Honestly. – Like 20 abs. – Like four too many. – Why purple? Wow. – And it was sort of like
Wizard of Oz purple-y. – And also, there
was only one review. And I only noted that, because
in the previous book which I almost read, there were
like a ton of reviews. I’m like, this book is popular. This book– one review, and
it was full of spoilers. Because it was like, the whole
review was just like, man, it’s really sad her
mom died, but I’m glad they got those twins. I’m glad she had twins. So I was reading this
story the whole time and expecting her mom to be
dead and for her to get pregnant with twins. – I noticed that, too. Neither of those
things happened. [LAUGHTER] What is this review about? – I wonder if it’s about
the second story which I didn’t read, or if it’s
about the second part? Because we just read
part one, and they were talking about the whole. Series – Yeah, well there’s the
Craving Stepdad series. And this is one,
Cream for Stepdad. In the book that we bought,
there’s a second one, but it’s almost an
anthology series. A Black Mirror, if you will. – Right. And I will. – A Black Mirror erotica, yes. – And it has nothing to
do with these characters, so we just read the one
to keep things simple. – It’s erotica
that really like– – So maybe the mom dies. That’s probably the only
way you could really have these two
together conscionably. – Yeah. In the next one, which wasn’t
assigned, but I read it– – Ooh! – Ooh! Good student! – The mother is
fully dead, yeah. – Oh really? – Yeah. – And does she have twins? – So I didn’t make it to the
very end, I’ll be honest. So I’m like, now I’m wondering,
did that girl have twins? – OK. Maybe it was a review
of the second story? – Well, in this book, the mom
might as well have been dead. – Oh my gosh. – Right? – My whole time,
I had that review in my head thinking that
the stepdad was covering up that the mom had died. [LAUGHTER] – Whoa! – I was reading the story
in such a complicated way. I was like, oh the mom
didn’t cheat and leave. – He murdered her. [LAUGHTER] – The mom actually died, and he
doesn’t want to tell her yet, because it’s too hard. – After they fuck in this
study, they pull a book and it opens up the bookcase,
and the mom is just dead there. – Because it did paint a
very unflattering picture of this mother. – Yeah. – Well, we’re about
to get in that right. So we’ll pull this in. So, she pulls up to the house,
and the house is very quiet. And usually it’s not, because
two grown adults live there. So it’s just
bustling with noise. – She almost misses the
house that she grew up in. – Every time,
she’ll accidentally drive by for two hours. – I was going to say. I was like, does she live
in Hawaii or something? That’s the only place I’ve
ever been that lost where it’s hard to identify roads. – No she’s just
kooky and relatable. – She goes to Yurdsley. – She goes to
Yurdsley, you guys. [LAUGHTER] – Yurdsley girl. – Once you’ve Yurs-ed. So she pulls in, and
just Robert is home. And she could tell something
is weighing on him. He’s very upset. And her mother isn’t there. And she asks him why,
and he lets her know, your mother and I
are breaking up. She’s at your sister’s house. Well, first she’s at
your sister’s house– – The mom’s sister’s house. – The mom’s sister’s house. Yes. She’s an only child. So, and then the mom
is just with her sister for the entire book. And the daughter hears
this information and goes, well, she has your
sister to help her out, so I’ll just chill with you,
man that I’m not related to. And that was the
craziest thing to me. – May I chime in as the
stepfamily expert here? – Yes, of course. We need some expertise here. – Because this, truly, I was– – Happens all the time? – Really. – Happens all the time. [LAUGHTER] – No. I was like, this was hard
for me to suspend disbelief. Because I was like, OK. What? If I was coming home from
college to see my mom, she would be thrilled, and
we would have made plans. And it sounded like
they kind of had. And then if I gotten home,
and my mom was just not there, and it was like, oh, yeah. She just forgot you’re
coming into town. I’d be like, what? And then she says,
should I give her a call? And he’s like, I don’t know. And then she just doesn’t
even give her a call. And IDK about
Natalie and Robert, but I would never then
go, well, I guess Mike, we’re going to spend
the evening together. You and me. – Yeah. That would be insanity. She doesn’t even shoot off
a little text or anything. – To even confirm this
is accurate information. – Yes, and that
her mom isn’t dead. [LAUGHTER] – I like the mystery version
of this so much more now. You need to re-write one
were he is actually a murder. – Maybe this is so in the
pattern of the mother. It’s not even surprising. This is just how she is. She’s just constantly
doing stuff like this. – I was wondering
if that was it, too, because I was like, maybe
that’s just their family dynamic that it was super chill? My mom would never allow that. She would have driven
up to college to see me and not her sister, and
she would have been like, we gotta go do something else. – I don’t know. Her mom raised her
as a single mother. It sounds like
they’re super close. – I know. – But I think she
had to abandon her. – Like, given the
story, I appreciated that they made it clear
they are not close. Because then it didn’t
feel like an F you to the mom with the
things that later. – I think the problem when
you try to justify stuff in a story that’s not
going to make sense, is then you really
start to pick it apart. But like if it just
doesn’t make sense from the get go, then you just– if she’s just like,
my phone no work. It’s broken. I don’t text. I’d be like, yeah, sure. Whatever. But they tried to
make it so believable. – I think they did a pretty
good job of justifying. I just think it felt so out of
the realm of my own reality. I was like, this
would never happen. I’d be like, OK, bye dude. – For most
stepfamilies, It is out of the realm of possibility. – You would check it. You would micromanage
everybody’s emotions. – Yeah. I was reading this,
I was like, this must be in step stepfamilies
operate, I guess. – It’s I can tell
you what, it’s not. – That’s good to know. OK. So they’re breaking up. Even though he’s close to 50,
still looked pretty great. So our first little
glimmers of eyeing him up. But it’s still pretty innocent. He was tall with broad
shouldered, toned arms and long fingers. – That is what I
just was looking at. – Long fingers. – I was like, hmm. – Did you ever notice the
length of someone’s fingers? – It made me think
of in Beetlejuice when his arms fall off. [LAUGHTER] – They must be really long. – Yeah. – Long fingers are creepy AF. – I guess they must
have highlighted that. – Yeah, like The
Babadook or something. Nothing sexy about
spider fingers. – Or some sort of wizardry,
like, Morrowind thing. – I mean, imagine if you were
getting set up with someone, and the top three. Give me three qualities. You know? It’s like, well they’re– – Three? I only need one. How long are they? – Give me inches. – How many inches? And I mean fingers. [LAUGHTER] – I mean pinky finger. – Is that supposed
to be a Dick thing? – Maybe. You know what they say. Long fingers. – They say big hands. They do not say long fingers. – They say lengthy,
spindly fingers. – A small little hand,
but lengthy finger. – If you have a short
pinky, you have a huge dick. – As long as they were wide. [LAUGHTER] – As long as they were wide. – I also wrote down a
question for the ladies. Have any of you guys been
with an older dude or an older woman? – Yes. – We don’t have to get into it. – What does older mean? Can we quantify? – So this age gap,
I think is around– if she’s in her 20s– I would say a 30 year age gap. – That’s– OK. That’s older. – I’ve been there. I’ve done it. – Oh you did? – Yeah, and I recognize some of
the things that she says in it. It was like a first
experience of being paid the most attention to
in a way that felt mature. – Mature. Let me ask you, this could be– you don’t have to answer–
like did it feel at all odd? Like was there part
of you that was like, ooh they are really older. – Oh, yeah. There’s definitely a part
in the back of your mind where it’s like, you know. I did it in my early
20s, and I think it’s– looking back now, it’s
easier to be like, oh, I was pushing my boundaries. And doing this and that,
and seeing what I liked. But at the time,
it was like, oh! – It was hot. – Yeah. It’s just hot. It’s a little forbidden. So it’s hot. – Looking back, I’m
OK with my actions, but I’m now judging them. I’m like, if you’re 35, why are
you fucking me, a 21-year-old? – Right. Me as a 32-year-old woman,
I’m like, I would never– an 18-year-old just
stinks like shit. [LAUGHTER] – Oh! They’re so smelly. All 18-year-olds. – They’re just nasty little– – Shout-out to all
18-year-olds on the Discord. – All 18-year-olds! – Nasty little pigs. – Get none of this. – One of the times that I
hooked up with a significantly older person– or this was the first time. It was very sort
of hot and taboo, but then once it sort of
started, I was like oh. The elasticity in your
skin is so much different from the elasticity in my skin. – Yeah. – And then that was sort
of like a physical– and then also, before we hooked
up he sent me a dick pic, but it was almost
Renaissance-like. And it was– – How old was he? – He literally was
from the Renaissance. – Was he 200 years old? – He was da Vinci, actually. – How old? [LAUGHTER] – He was in his 40s. OK, but he sent a dick pic,
but his dick was flaccid in it. And it was with him
in a mirror, and it was like an ornate
mirror and then flaccid. And I was like, is
this something that– – He was trying to show off
the mirror and not the dick. [LAUGHTER] – I can afford this mirror. – Got this shit
from William Sonoma. – Yeah. I got some– Restoration Hardware,
little lady. – What’s funny to
me, too, is like that shows a different generation use
of the phone, of social media. Like that is also
coming into play. It’s like, you don’t
fully understand the norms of a dick pic here. – You also got an
older dick pic. – I did get a dick pic
from this same man. I think he wrote on it
something like, this is for you. And I’m just like, thank you. [LAUGHTER] – If people wrote
messages differently. That it’s like To, addressee. – To whom it concerns. – Dear Jess,
sincerely, your lover. [LAUGHTER] – This tis my penis. – Have you ever done a
reciprocal private part photo? – Oh, yeah. For sure. Yeah. – I have never sent vagina. Only breast. I don’t feel like an out of
context vagina makes sense, but maybe that’s just me. – I’ve never sent any. – You take so many, because
it’s like, is this right? I don’t know. – My cousin is a lawyer,
and he said anytime you put a photo on
any device, anywhere. You gotta believe every
single person can see. – Oh, for sure. – And I’m fine. – Legally you’re OK with that. – Yay. – As long as you know. – Check it out. – Check it out. Go to JessButt.com. [LAUGHTER] – I was going to say also
about the older thing. I was like, when I was having
casual sex in my early ’20s, I feel like the oldest I
ever got was like mid-30s, because– that’s how
I know like sometimes our sexual preferences
live in that fantasy realm. Because I’m like, I
like May-December stuff. The idea of a 50-year-old with
like an 18-year-old, but purely in the realm of fantasy. Because any time like a
50-year-old would hit on me, inside I’d be like
[THROWING UP NOISES].. Get away. – I’d be like, this is wrong. Evaluate yourself. – I prefer younger than older. – Really? – Interesting. – Yeah. – So you like somebody who
doesn’t know what to do. [LAUGHTER] – A dirty little child pig. – Exactly. – Like how much younger? – Well, I’m about to be 33. And so, also going back
to like understanding where you were at that time. Like I know myself and
what I was thinking. I don’t think I would
go much younger– because the 20s are very
different than the 30s I feel. – Yes. – Yeah. – Even myself in my 20s. It was insanity. – I think it’s all like– – I couldn’t deal with that. – It’s so much like
performative sex, rather than sex for actual pleasure. – Yeah. Yeah, totally. Or like thinking about– you’re
thinking about what it is, instead of just having it. – Which is all learning. – So you’re like,
that makes sense! [YELLING] – Yeah. I think my guy was
like close to 50 or 50. And then my parents
found out about it, and my dad asked if
I had dad issues. – Whoa! – What! – And I was like, if
you asked me that, what the fuck do you think? Like, are you crazy? – Wait. How did you find out? – They met him. – Oh, were you dating him? – Casually. Kind of. It was a very weird
time in my life. – And your dad said,
do you have dad issues? – Yeah. – Oh my god. – I have a weird family. – But that’s– – And what did you say? Were you like, well? Maybe. – I mean, in my mind, I was just
like, if somebody asked you– you know, what do you think? – Wow. – But you can’t say that. – I definitely don’t
think that’s my case. My case– I definitely
don’t think– I know it’s a stereotype,
liking older people or whatever is a parent thing. I don’t think so. – Yeah. No, I’m just always– even as a kid, I always wanted
to hook up with the teacher. And he was in a
teacher position. It was a fantasy, for sure, and
then it just kind of died out. – All my crushes when
I was in middle school were, like, 60 plus. [LAUGHTER] Honestly the kind of guy
I like have evened out to a more appropriate
age over time. They’ve gotten from older,
to middle, to my age. – That’s so funny. – To baby. – You’re Benjamin Buttoning. – Yeah, exactly. – I Benjamin Buttoned
my preferences. [LAUGHTER] – Best of both worlds. A little old in there. A little new. Benjamin Button. The ultimate man. – There’s nothing like
fucking a little baby. [LAUGHTER] – But don’t think it is kind of
hot when someone like Madonna or J-Lo are with these
much younger guys? Like I kind of think that’s hot. – Everything J-Lo does is hot. – That’s true. – Also J-Lo, despite being
over 30, looks fantastic. [LAUGHTER] – Yeah, somehow. – In spite. – I think she might
be in her 50s now. So by all accounts,
she should be dead. – Should be dead. – She’s dead to me. – If she’s looking
like a hot 20-year-old, a perfect 20-year-old. – Because my concern with a
young man is I’d be like– with a young man– [LAUGHTER] – Got a young boy. – Speaking of
perfect 20-year-olds, our lead Natalie and the guy
are now consoling each other. She’s a history major
studying women’s study. He is a writer who
writes non-fiction, so history is involved in that. So they chat about that. He offers her a glass of wine. And that was the first
time I was like, ooh. So you kind of know what
you’re doing right there. You know. You’ve gone through
these steps before. – I like that they
went to the trouble to make the little
detail of like, she still makes a face when
she has the first sip of wine. – That was cute. – That was odd. – Why? – I think they do it to
show that she’s young. – It was weird. – Oh, you guys didn’t like it? – You liked it? – It just reminded me of
when I was in my early 20s. I think it said she’s
23, and I was like, yeah. You drink wine, but you don’t
necessarily like it yet. – Yeah. – I guess by that point, I
was like, wine is my jam. If it had been like, do you
want to have a vodka shot? For sure. – Yeah, that’s what I thought. – Yeah, like– [GAGGING] – I think they wrote that
because it was like, ooh, yucky. An adult drink. – Do you have this
in a sippy cup? [LAUGHTER] – I want a bottle. Yeah. I only know how to
drink out of a baa. – A sippy cup. – Oh, she describes having
like a flutter in her stomach. So she’s getting
the vibes from him. They’re kind of
feeling each other out. He starts asking about a boy in
her class, which at this point, I was like, come on, dude. You really know what
you’re doing right now. He’s like, so how’s
that guy in your class? [LAUGHTER] And she’s like, what guy? But they both know who
they’re talking about. – Ai, yi, yi. – I did write, too,
what do you guys think is happening with the mom and
sister at the other house? – Yeah, what’s going on? – Do you think
they’re hooking up? [LAUGHTER] – It’s definitely likely because
that’s usually would happen during a break-up. – That is what happens
with stepfamilies. If the mother is
somewhere, she’s hooking up with this
other person, and then– [LAUGHTER] – It should be equal
opportunity incest. – For sure. So then, she– of
course– spills her wine because she’s a
clumsy little guy. And he’s helping to dab it
off of her titties, I’m sure. And then– – Yeah, that immediately is– if anyone ever
spills on the front and the other person dabs it,
then you might as well fuck. – Never touched anything. – Yeah. Yeah. – Yeah, you– unless, of course,
she knows something’s going down. – I really, really had to
not imagine my stepdad Mike doing that. [LAUGHTER] I was like, gah! – Imagine your
stepfather Mark Ruffalo. – That’s different. – The country’s stepfather. America’s stepfather. – America’s stepfather,
Mark Ruffalo. – I only have cream for him. – Cream for Ruffalo. It’s just a brand
of Lay’s chips. Cream for Ruffalo. – Ew. [LAUGHING] – No, this is not slander. We’re saying, thank you, Mark. – Yeah, what’s the
opposite of slander? – Positive things. Compliment. – I was trying to think of
something that rhymed, but. – Yeah, I was trying to, too. – Can-der. – Can-der. – So they’re just about to
kiss, and they stop themselves. And then she runs
off to her bedroom and thinks about all night. She feels the kiss. She doesn’t even see it. Her eyes are closed. – Yeah, it’s like. She feels his breath,
and then it stops. I was like that– [LAUGHTER] – Like feeling breath. Mm. Yeah, which you
got to be careful if he’s in his ’50s, that might
be a heart attack coming on. [LAUGHTER] – Do you smell toast? [LAUGHTER] – I smell toast in the air. – I did like that– – Yeah, you smell toast. They’re having a heart. [LAUGHTER] – That we– I mean, when I was reading it, I
was like somebody fuck already. But I’m like, oh it’s nice
to have the night and then the morning. – This book definitely
made you want it. For a second, too,
I was like oh, god. I thought they were
just going to get to it. But then it had a nice like
lingering waiting for it. Just the right amount of time. And she had– I loved these moments
that she had to herself, because I felt like
it really helped to justify everything
that was happening and show that she was a top
of intelligence character. She was just like, I’m
going to go clear my head and get some air. You know, here’s the situation. It would be sad for
my mom, but also we’re attracted to each other. And we’re adults making
our own decisions. And she weighed
the pros and cons. It was like, fuck it. I’m feeling it. I’m just going to see what’s up. – Right. – It felt like a lot
of hemming and hawing for some milk toast incest. [LAUGHTER] Not even worth talking about. They’re not blood relation. It’s a stepfather. – So would you prefer a more– – I would work for a
biological relation in a story. [LAUGHTER] Absolutely. A stepfather, and the mom
cheated, and she’s out of town. – Technically, this isn’t even
incest, because he’s not– – It’s not incest. – They’re not married, right? – They’re not married,
and they’re not– – It’s barely taboo. – This is your
mother’s boyfriend. – I know. With a title like
Cream for Stepfather. I was expecting like, OK. This is like, full, length. And I was expecting there to
be like, they’re in the house. The mom’s downstairs,
and they’re like diddling each other– – Yeah! It’s not creamy at all. It’s watery. – It definitely doesn’t live up
to the nastiness of the title. – No. I thought of a yeast
infection immediately. – Ooh. – That is more likely, yeah. Yeast infection just from
you creaming on my face. [LAUGHTER] – Too much sugar. [LAUGHTER] – So she goes back and
forth, and then she’s finally like, you know what? I’m just going to do it. I felt something there,
and I know he did, too, and we’re both adults. And she goes home,
and he’s trying to act like a little sad
sack dude like, oh, well. I don’t know. Did you want
something to happen? And she’s so cool in this scene. She’s like, no. Here’s what’s going down. Do you want to fuck me or not? We felt something last night. Is this going to happen? And then he tries
to backpedal again. He’s like, oh,
well I don’t know. You’re just so pretty, and
I couldn’t help myself. And she’s like, holds up her
hand to him and is like stop. Are we going to do it or– talk to him. – Have you ever
started sex, stop! We’re going to have sex. – Talk to my long
fingers about it. – I just like that she didn’t
allow him to do this oh, but you’re just so pretty,
so I couldn’t help it. It’s really your
fault, isn’t it? She was like, no. We want to fuck. We’re into each other. Do you want to or not? – His adjectives for
her were like, you’re so smart and
beautiful and funny. Which I appreciate, those
are three great traits. But I’m like, where’s
she funny in this story? [LAUGHTER] – Did you not read
the banana peel scene? [LAUGHTER] The wacky intro. – She’s the class
clown at Yurdsley. – And always a problem
with all erotica is like, not enough jokes. Not funny girl enough. – We should write funny erotica. Is there funny erotica? – I mean, I think
unintentionally funny. Anytime a character is funny,
they’re usually just saying racist or sexist things. [LAUGHTER] – Right, everybody? Everyone’s like, yeah. Oh boy, this guy. – That’s hilarious. – So, I’m glad this one doesn’t
have any erotica comedy. – Attempted jokes. – So after she was like,
well, what’s happening? – He was like, come upstairs. – Yes. – I thought we were going to
enter a Christian Grey BDSM room. – Ooh. Oh. No, well, he says,
come to my study. – He says, come to my study. – The one place in my
house that is just mine. – Yeah. And I was like,
oh, there are going to be some whips in there. – Right. A sex swing or something. – That’s fun. – Did you think that? – I thought, maybe, yeah. We got into some stuff. – Oh, I didn’t think that. – But definitely there was some
weird like symbolic emphasis of the room. Because he was like,
this is my domain, and anything that happens
in here like doesn’t count. – Yeah. – I would love if it was just
like the shittiest little room, too. Like it has a fucking
globe that doesn’t spin, and a bunch of
dummies for whatever. – Yeah, definitely it
was very vague any time they talked about
his work or her work. She’d be like, we’re studying
some really interesting 18th century history
you might like. And he’s like, oh. – At one point, she’s in
a women’s studies class, and he’s like, I might give
some women history a try. [LAUGHTER] – I mostly learned about men. I was like, is
this a woke moment? – Oh, it was so woke. It was a little too woke for me. – Too woke for mama. – Too woke for momma. – And then finally,
we get to the sex. – Yay! We made it! – We made it. We’re here. – His erection sprang
from his boxers. – Boing-oing-oing-oing. – It’s a push up on the
table sort of situation, and he eats her out first,
which I always love. – Recommend. – Respectful. – She says, he hungrily ate me
out as if it was his last meal, and then that made me
think of The Last Supper. [LAUGHTER] – Also taboo, Judas. – Yeah. – Oh my god. Oh my god. Ah, yes. So, oh, her panties
are soaking wet. He loves to hear her moan. – Yeah, he’s like eating her– – Gorgeous older man
hungrily eating me. – He’s eating her out
a lot over the panties, and I’m like, how
does that work? – What does that do? – Oh, you’ve never done that? – Yeah, I’m open to that. – It’s wonderful. – I guess mine go
off immediately. – Well, eventually you get them
off, but if the panties are on, and then licking that. It feels like a nice little– you know, you just
switched up the texture. It’s an amuse bouche. – For sure. Well, and because
then it’s like, you better use some pressure,
because that’s all you’ve got. – Oh, pressure’s on, baby. – I mean, try what you want. It depends on the panties, too. – Yeah, mine are
all thick, I guess. – I wear them like, yeah. – I wear Depends. Get those puppies off me. [LAUGHTER] – I’m not feeling
anything through those. Jess goes, oh, my back. – I laughed in a way
that moved my back– I hurt my back recently. – Oh my god. – I’m being propped up
by a pillow right now. OK. So that happens. And then she’s like,
I’ll return the favor. And gets a little
forceful on her own, and pushes him up against the
bookcase and is like, may I? Which I like, too. I like that. May I suck you off, please? And he’s like, oh, duh! Doy, doy, doy! – No respect to the
infrastructure of the space. They’re so fucking–
earlier, she’d been like, I’m going
to go in and just throw the things off his desk. And then once they actually
go and do it, I’m like, does he have nothing– – Yeah, then he has
a cardboard box, and they put everything
in one at a time. [LAUGHTER] Like he’s getting fired. Don’t touch that. I’ll wrap that up. – Well, cause at one point,
he’s lays her on the desk, and then he’s on top of her. And I’m like. – On the desk? I thought they were doing
it– so after the sucking off, then they do it from
behind is what I thought. – Yeah. – Which I love, too. One of my favorite positions. I just thought this
was a great sex scene. And he gets a condom. – Yes. – He puts a condom on. – Yes. – I was surprised by that. – You cannot get your
ex’s daughter pregnant. – I feel like I’ve read quite
a bit of erotica at this point. This is maybe the
first condom I’ve seen. – I’ve never– it
was alarming for me. I had not seen one. – She did say, come inside me
later, and I was kind of like, well, come inside the condom. – Oh, it does make me a
bit suspicious about him, because if he’s in a long
relationship with the mother, and we’re, oh! We forgot to say at the
fireplace, the mom cheated. So the reason why
we hate the mom– – They’ve justified it. – Actually the
mom’s a big bitch. – Yeah. We don’t feel for
the mom at all. – No, you cheat once, and then
you might as well be dead. – You harlot. You whore. – Just makes me think, what
are you doing with condoms. Either this thing is
expired, because you’ve had it for a while. If these two have been
together for a while. – Because you know she’s late
30s, so she’s postmenopausal. – She’s so old! Those eggs are dead. Yeah. – Condom is going to go
on the mystery cork board, though, because I
think you’re right. Yeah. – Just don’t poke
it in the middle. – No, but I think people
in long term relationships sometimes do use condoms. – Yeah they do. – Because people don’t– – Birth control isn’t
everyone’s cup of tea. – All the pressure. – Also women over 35,
there’s precautions about blood clots on certain
kind of hormonal birth controls. – All the pressure is on
women to use birth control, and it’s so hormonally fucked. Yeah. – It really is horrible,
and it’s fucked. – It’s horrible and fucked. – I love that this
got brought up. I apologize to anyone who
is in a long relationship that I implied wearing
a condom would be weird. I’m also in a big
old gay relationship, so we don’t, you know. We’ve been unprotected
for a while. – Get some condoms in there. – For a while. – Get some condoms in there. – Long fingers. – Some condom fingers. – You know what, Kate does
have some long fingers. I don’t want to brag. So they come. The grand finale. It’s incredible. Oh, he’s fucking her
hard, and then they come. Immediately afterward,
he’s like, you’re great, but I got figure some stuff out
before we do this regularly. And I’m like, god. You suck. She’s so cool and with it. We did so much work to
get to the point where the sex felt like earned, and
no questions, like we’re here. And then we’re backtracking now. – Ah, so, are you going
to stay all afternoon? [LAUGHTER] – This is my mom’s
house, you dweeb. He’s like, maybe you’ll come
back to my study sometime. The sex could have been longer
for how long we had to read. – I thought so, too. – Also, the coming. I feel like the coming
is a lot of what I’m excited to read about. – It wasn’t a big grand finale. – And it was like,
And then I came. – What? – What? – You want to live
in that coming. – Live in the come. – I want to live in come. But, there was a lot of
helpful information– if this is accurate– about how to give
a ball blow job. Well, – That’s great point. – Can we go into detail? I don’t think I took many notes. – Because– well, I
took some notes on it. – Doesn’t she put
them in her mouth? – She’s putting them– OK. “Pushing his cock back a little. I lowered my head further,
taking each of his balls into my mouth one at a time. Sucking at the little
ridge between them and licking across
his sensitive skin.” – From what I understand. – I have a hard time hearing
something and visualizing it. So what exactly does that mean? The balls are here. – I guess the skin between them. – Betwixt? – Yeah. – Between the two balls? – Yeah. – OK. – But you cannot twist that. [LAUGHTER] – Do not torque. – All the time, I’ve been going. Woo! – That will result in testicular
torsion, where you lose flow to one of the
testicles, and it’s very dangerous and painful. – Oh my god. That’s why all the
men I sleep with die. [LAUGHTER] Twisting up their balls. – Also a lot of– I forgot about this–
but in the blow job, a lot of talking
about creating a seal. – Seal. I’ve heard about that. You basically, with your
hand and your mouth, you make it air-tight. – To keep it air tight. Otherwise it’ll
lose its freshness. [LAUGHTER] – It spoils. It gets rotten. It goes soft. – But yes, the testes
situation was unique. I think. – It was unique,
and it made me go, do I need to up my teste game? [LAUGHTER] – I feel like a
partner will tell you if the testes are on the table? Am I wrong? That’s not one that
you start in on? – Oh, I think you
could just go for it, and then if they don’t– – I mean, I kind of
always gone for it, but maybe that’s inappropriate. – Yeah, but I did
meet one person early on that was
like pull them hard. – Ah! Really? – He was like, harder. – What does harder mean? – I just met you at the bar. Buy me a drink. – What’s hard. Show us hard. – You like, give me your hand. – Like a trucker. – Like a pull. Like pull hard. – Oh, pull outward? – I don’t know. It was like a lot. I was like– [LAUGHTER] And then from then on,
for everybody else, I’m like do you want
me to pull them hard? Everyone’s like, no! Absolutely not. – It’s hard for me to understand
what’s going on down there. I really don’t know. I’m open, but I just– I’m like, this is literally– – I’m kind of new to balls. – I remember the first time
I ever gave a blow job, I slobbered so much,
because I was like, oh, I know they like it wet. It was like a little river of
saliva going down his chest. Looking back now, I’m like,
how fucking embarrassing. – That’s amazing. – The first time I gave a blow
job was in a basement, and– of course, we were– – Of course. – Duh! – No, of course. – But I guess my teeth here
were dragging a little bit. And then at the end,
he was making sounds that were kind of like, ah, ah. [LAUGHTER] And I was like, he’s loving it. [LAUGHTER] He loves this. – More teeth. – It’s like cheese. – Yeah, and then there were two
lines along the whole shaft. – What! – And then, I went to school
a couple of days later, and the whole soccer
team was calling me Jaws. And they would go– – No. – How long did that last? – That is bullying, and
I’m about to file a report with your school board. – Wait, how long did
they call you Jaws for? That’s horrible. – Oh, a while. It was fun, I didn’t
really mind it. – That boy deserved to
get his dick bit off for telling the
whole soccer team. – Yeah, I’m Jaws. – It was one of the biggest
dicks I’ve ever seen. And I was like, well, how would
my teeth not go all over that? – That’s his fault. – #blessed. – He should’ve warned me. – I would’ve been like,
why are you telling people? – No, he should not tell. – No, whatever. It was high school. – We’ll find him. I’m going to find him. – It was high school. It was whatever. – No, I’m mad. – I’m going to shave two
inches off his little dick. [LAUGHTER] – I’ll get him – With a nail file. – The first time I ever gave– I also used a lot
of teeth, but I also feel like, if you’re
like 17-year-old boy, you don’t know what a
blow job feels like. So how dare you critique me? Because now looking
back, I’m like, yeah. Sometimes your
teeth get in there. You can’t help it. They’re in your mouth. What do you want me to,
like, take them out, and just like suck you off
with the perfect suction? – I was so nervous about my
teeth when giving blow jobs. I feel like I’d be like. – Yeah. Teeth get in the way now. Nobody cares. – That’s why it’s goo to be
with someone in their 30s who has dentures, because
then they can get it out. – Yeah, that’s why you got
to date an old hag who’s 35. – Just throw a bone to a
disgusting 30-year-old every now and then. – Yeah. She can pop her teeth out. – Pull out her dentures. Oh my god. But how does this book end? Where is this page? – It kind ends abruptly. – Yeah. – It’s basically like,
but she kind of agrees. She’s like, yeah. I gotta figure some
stuff out, too. Which, you know. And then he’s like,
well, maybe we could do it every now and
then again in my study, if you want to. And she’s like, yeah,
I’d be into that. – Only in the study. I really needed more
descriptors about the study. – Yeah. – About the study? What would you like
it to look like? Like the one in My Fair Lady? – Like the library in
Atonement but small. – Oh, I don’t know that. – Ooh, I love that. – That’s a sexy library. – OK. So Mark Ruffalo is in Atonement. – I’m loving this. – Yeah. Yeah. – Mark Ruffalo in Atonement
would be very cute. Just like, oh, hey, everybody. – I imagine the den
growing up, where we had three old computers we
never knew how to get rid of, and a chair with just
a bunch of stuff on it. Like it wasn’t a
very sexual location. – I imagine like
whenever I watch like a House Hunters
or those home shows, and they show you
like, I don’t know, boujee ass house with a
little study like right on the side in the front. I thought, too, like,
are those blinds closed? Because it’s usually the corner
and then all the neighbors might see, which maybe
that’s another part of it. – I guess I imagined a
windowless room, which doesn’t exist. – A dungeon? – A cave? – Was there cream in the book? – Like a basement room. – Like coffee cream? There was no– well, they
did talk about coffee. – Two sugars, no cream. Two sugars, just
the way he likes it. – Just the way daddy likes it. – She doesn’t cream. – All the cream was inside. – Well, the cream was inside– – Oh, the cream was inside. – It’s like Space Jam. – Are we going to talk
about the last sentence? – Oh, I do. I have it circled. So, after being what
I thought was pretty, almost the best written one that
we’ve ever read, felt like a– at least we’re
understanding this character and their motive. – I guess I haven’t
read the other ones, but I was like, it
felt written to me. – Yeah. – Yeah. – The last sentence kind
of brought it back down. Hey, at least I
don’t have to worry about him meeting my parents. – Yikes. – There’s that joke. She is funny. That is true. – It totally ended
in a weird style. – We forgot she’s funny. – It was like, ooh! [LAUGHTER] – She’s like Porky
Pig with no pants on. It was like totally not the
tone of the rest of the book. I really appreciate it just
ending on such a crazy– or it could even be Sex
and the City, like hey, I guess after all, I don’t have
to introduce him to my parents. – Because I don’t
even text my mom. – Yeah, I mean, I get it. Sometimes the buttons of my
sketches are pretty weak, too. So it’s like– – You got to end it. – Yeah, she’s like, how do
I end Cream for Stepfather? – How does one end
Cream for Stepfather? – But maybe she does
have to introduce him to the other parent? But it sounds like she dies. – Yeah. – How does mommy die? – No, daddy. No, daddy is dead. – Daddy died. But you said in the next one. – Oh, in the next one,
mommy is dead, yes. – How does mommy die? – Because it’s not mentioned
that she has any health issues. – Oh, that’s sad. – But the next one is
totally different people. – It’s not these people. – It’s totally different people. It’s set in the south, and it
starts with like a different, an actual dad. – Is it like Gone With
the Wind antebellum south, or is it like? – It is antebellum. – Did you prefer
the second book? – Well, the second
one was naughtier. Because here’s my thing. I’m all about taboo, right? – Yeah, of course. – I think that taboo is sexy. Doesn’t matter what it is. If somebody’s like, you’re
not allowed to do that. Roar. – That’s why stepdad
is so vanilla. – It’s pretty tame,
because also like stepdad could be pretty taboo. But they kept saying like,
this is my pseudo stepdad. He’s barely even my stepdad. – And my mom and
him are fighting. – Yeah, my mom’s
a cheating bitch. – You want, they
are happily married. They’re your brother and sister. – Absolutely. – The product of incest. – I want– – Identical twins. – I want the mother and
the father to be siblings. – Highest rate of hemophilia
possible if they have a child. – I know. I want the most genetically
dangerous pairing possible. – That’s sexy. – The mom walks in, and
is like, maybe I’ll stay. – Yeah. Yeah. I want it to just be
a puddle of genes. – I thought you were going
to say puddle of jizz. – Puddle of jizz. – Puddle of jizz. That’s my band’s name. [LAUGHTER] – It’s Christian rock. – Puddle of jizz. [LAUGHTER] All right. Well, ladies. That was Cream for Stepfather. Now is the time
to rate our book. One being side out of your
delicious, fluffy chair. And Two being soaking it up. – Wait, One and Two? – Oh, wait. Five being– [LAUGHTER] No, today is a scale
from one to two– – So there’s decimals. – Grab a story, everyone. One is you slide
out of the chair. Two is you cream
out of your chair. You only get two options. – Today is yes or no. Yeah, you have to use
decimals in between. That wasn’t a– I
didn’t misspeak. – And then two is
slippy sliding? – Two is slippy-sliding. So 1.5. [LAUGHTER] – Hmm. – Well, I would give
it a few categories. I know this isn’t the
way we do it, but like, literally two for title. Best title of anything
in the world ever. And I think writing
style give that a two. I enjoyed the book. And I would honestly give it
like a 1.8 on the slide scale. I thought it was
really well-written. I thought it was
well-earned sex scene, and then I thought it delivered. I would have loved
to live in the come, but you can’t always
get what you want. – It’s crazy that 1.8 feels
more than like four or five. [LAUGHTER] I guess because there’s
more options in between when we’re adding these deaths. – Yeah. We’re basically one
out of 10 right now, but we skewed the
scales to one to two. – You’re right. – Yeah. I think I would
give this one a 1.9. [LAUGHTER] I thought it was
really well written, and I thought it was very
sexy, like when they had sex, it was all my
favorite positions. Yeah. – Everyone had a great time. – Yeah. – I’m all 1.3. – Huh! – Because I think
with that title – I had to do the math
to know how good that is. – And that purple abs photo. I thought there would be
a more delivery on more sex, more taboo, more cream. And I feel like it did not
live up to my expectations. For what it was, I thought
it was like sweet, but tame. – Yeah. That’s fair. – Look, I’m going
to give it a 1.2. This could be that I kept
accidentally envisioning my own house and
my own stepfather, and I didn’t want that. – Stepfather expert. – But I think also, yeah. When I read Cream for
Stepfather, I was like, oh. It’s going to be a lot
of sneaking around– – I should have known already,
because it said stepfather. Any time you’re making
it a stepparent, you’re already trying
to play it safe. – Oh my god. – Also, it was
riddled with typos. So, kind of got me out of it. – Oh, I like typos. – A typo turns her on. – The author’s very vulnerable. – Someone’s too horny to type. Someone’s like– – What was the name
of this author, again? It was Celia? – Celia Stiles. Julia Stiles’ sister. Stepsister. – Who she has sex with. – They bone. – Well, thank you
all so much for being here to talk about this one. For those of you listening
who read along with us, we have our next assignment. Teaching a First Timer
in the Bath House. – It’s such a long title. – By Tyrone Miler. And that is on Amazon. Again, Teaching a First Timer in
the Bathhouse by Tyrone Miler. Thank you so much
for being here. Thank you to our guests. – Thank you. – And I hope you all have
a wonderful, sexy week. – A wonderful, creamy week. – Yeah, have a creamy week.