Thursday, July 31, 2008

He Says It's His Birthday

This man? I love this man. He's a big ol' doofus, and sometimes a bit of an ass, but he's my hero, my heart, the love of my life. And it's his birthday.

And seeing as he's always asking me why he doesn't get more love on this here blog ("Why don't you write about me more?" I didn't think you'd want me to. "I wouldn't mind." Okay. ---silence--- "Are you going to?" Maybe. ---silence--- "You could explain to everyone that I'm really an ass." DONE.) I thought, why not make this all about him? Which is to say, why not ask you to make this all about him. I'm tired today, and besides, I need to go out and get him cake. You all should do the work. Leave him some love in the comments, and then I'll take all the credit. (See, honey? I got the intarwebs to make love to you on my blog! Happy now?)

He likes puns, dirty jokes, music and links to stupid things on the Internet. He's been known to laugh at pictures of meerkats. If you have any tips for making the perfect espresso, catching fish, or dealing with moody wives, then I'm sure he'd like to hear about that, too.

Happy b-day HBF!! The perfect espresso starts with the perfect bean, so start roasting your own coffee. You can use this roaster http://www.sweetmarias.com/prod.freshroast.shtml to get started. It's quick and easy and probably won't burn the house down. ;-) Sweet Maria's ships to Canada but you can also get green beans in Canada here http://www.greenbeanery.ca/bean/catalog/index.php?cPath=21_26We started roasting our own beans a few weeks ago and we won't ever go back to buying pre-roasted coffee-seriously, it's that good.As for the moody wife, chocolate-the darker the better. And take the kids for a walk while she takes a nice hot bath. Seems to work for my moody wife. ;-)

Happy Birthday, Their Bad Father! None of us even know your name, but we love you anyway, for your good fatherhood, good husbandness, and of course your handsome appearance. Enjoy this birthday, and many many more!

Happy Birthday, HBF. I share our best joke with you, which has been passed down from generation to generation. It was my father's (RIP) and now I've given it to my son. (that's my story and I'm sticking to it).

My husband swears by green (although they look yellow to me) Power Bait. The worms. Also spinner bait for casting. Keep switching lures with different colors and blades until you find the one that works.

My husband does all the lure switching. I just throw out the casts and catch the fish.

No help on the distractions (either for moody women or catching fish), but I've always found the best espresso is found on a Saturday morning alone in a coffee shop with comfy chairs, the newspaper and a scone on the side.

Happy Birthday: Keep things a little secretive this year and you will prosper. You will have some unique, profitable ideas. A relationship may need some fixing and a choice must be made. Don't give in or sell out because you are afraid to go it alone. Believe in yourself, your abilities and your future. Your numbers are 10, 14, 23, 35, 40, 47.

Birthday Baby: You are exciting, dynamic and a born leader. You are sensitive, changeable and always ready to take action. You demand loyalty and freedom and need to follow your own path.

I'll publish this anonymously because my favorite joke is not always everyone else's favorite joke. But it shows, as my therapist says, my "dark humor." Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead.

Here's my joke:Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,“'Honey, my hands are freezing!” She says, “Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up.”

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! My hands are really freezing!” She says again, “Well. put them between my thighs and warm them up again.” He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing.” She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?”

Here's a link to some manly candles, for those times when you want to enhance the ambience of the house without incurring the scorn of the guys:

http://www.buymandles.com/

And now, a joke.A rancher goes into a tiny cafe, where there is nobody seated and nobody around. He sits at the counter waiting for someone to wait on him. Looking at the menu board, he sees only two items. "Cheese Sandwich: $5. Hand Job: $4." While pondering this, he sees a sleazy waitress come out of the kitchen, hair piled on her head, an order pad in her hand.

Tip: the best pizza in the whole world can be found in Leadville, CO at High Mountain Pies. www.highmountainpies.com

If you ever get to Colorado, it's worth the 2-2.5 hours to Leadville. I'm on vacation there now and don't think I'll ever be able to leave because there is no pizza this good anywhere else.

Sorry, pizza advice wasn't on the list, but that's all I'm thinking about right now. Oh yeah, and they make a pizza with shrimp (similar to fish) and bacon and cream cheese chunks. You have to try it to believe it.

Happy Birthday! Espresso is about the time it takes for the steam to make it through the grounds. Adjusting that, if you can, is the key to getting a good crema, and a smooth shot. Also, don't let it sit. If you're going to do something with it (like steamed milk) don't let it sit for more than 10 minutes after it finishes pulling. Any Barista that does should be shot. I personally like the Italian stovetop makers. Not a "shot" per say, but best at home coffee ever. Now, if you want to know how steam milk for the perfect cappuccino, it is going to cost you.

To deal with moody wives, do more housework. Even more than you are doing. It's (almost) better than sex for the moody wife. And could possibly lead to sex!

Since someone mentioned Chuck Norris, here's a fun link: http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/(By the way, for the google search for "find chuck norris" you are supposed to click the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button after you enter the search term.)

For you birthday, click on this link and play a slide show of pictures of your sweet wonderful family in your head starting with the fabulous photo posted today by your lovely wife. And hey, Happy Birthday.

Happy Birthday, HBF! In addition to being awesome just for being you, you are also awesome because:

a) You agreed to move to this little town, thereby securing more than one blogger's residence here.b) You procured central air conditioning for HBM and kids (and self) in the midst of the first heat wave of the season.c) You wield a chain saw with near expert precision.d) You trust me to hang out with your equally awesome kiddos, occasionally even without your or HBM's presence.e) You answered the door (before procuring said air conditioning) in nothing but a pair of jeans once.

Ha, Amy - at first glance I thought your comment read 'answered the door in no jeans' and I thought, wow, I really do NOT know my husband. Then I saw, 'nothing BUT' and thought, yeah, he didn't do laundry again. That would be him.

happy birthday HBF.now thats showing daddy some love digging out his boogers with her sweet little fingers.hahaha!lets see espresso tips.use one of those italian screw the top and bottom pot together pots.bottled or filtered water and perk at low setting on burner.perfecto cuppo of espresso.and umm a friend of mine send me a link w of pics of vegies and fruit that look like body parts.think HBF would be interested?

Best cure for a moody wife is a well placed slap on the ass, ask for that cold on that's been on hold in the back of the fridge and pop in some of that smooth-loving German bootleg porn you've been saving for a rainy day.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HBF!! *sorry I'm late but that's the way the cookie crumbles...

I hope you had a good one. And everyone's right, you are pretty easy on the eyes.

HBM, I hope you have him some extra lovin in some other ways besides sex because I saw the post about the Frankenvulva and I wouldn't let him near it with an icepack...forget with anything else. Eat more chocolate!

didn't get to the internets yesterday so happy belated birthday HBF, hope you had a great day. Not sure if you're into geeky science things but this funny http://www.eppendorf.com/int/hawkpopup.php?contentid=13

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ...A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Happy birthday! Great photo. I can't think of any good dirty jokes, so I'll go for the moody wife advice. Given the new baby situation, it's all about giving her two things: sleep and time (either alone or out with girlfriends).