Forget everything you've heard about Marlins fans… Like that we don't exist.

November 2008

Longtime readers of this blog may have noticed that I have had very little to say recently. That is an unfortunate side effect of the brain procedure I underwent last month in an attempt to rid my mind of the knowledge that a certain belothed team– which I refuse to name– won the World Series.

Apparently they removed a little too much of the gray matter, because I also lost the ability to perform basic functions, such as solving sudoku, doing the riverdance, and blogging. Fear not, though, faithful readers. I had them put it all back in. So, while I now spend 75% of each day weeping over the fact that my least favorite team in baseball holds the title of world champions, I can also enjoy my favorite pastimes.

A lot has happened in my absence. And since this blog is the most trusted source for Marlins news, I will obviously need to fill you in. Brace yourselves.

1. Mike Jacobs to the Royals – Well now this was a big shock. Huge. Never saw it coming… Um, or we all knew he’d be the first to go. Bye, Mikey. You will truly be missed. At least until the first time our new 1B plays, and reminds us what a pleasant thing good defense can be. Or even mediocre defense.

2. Josh Willingham & Scott Olsen to the Nats – Not gonna lie, folks. This one stings. And while I’m personally used to the Marlins salary-dumping ways, I’m a bit curious as to what it does to a man’s ego when he finds out he’s been traded for the equivalent of a houseplant. Or one of those Washington DC souvenirs. You know, the little snow globe with the whitehouse and a bunch of snow flurries inside? Say what you want about Scott Olsen, but this Fish fan will miss him. I was a big Hammer fan as well, but the incessant injuries might have made this a wise move. Either way, it’s never fun getting burned by the hot stove.

4. Kevin Gregg to the Cubbies – Um, so Kevin, do you need anybody to help you pack? Because me and some buddies of mine would be more than willing to give you a hand. If the Cubs were looking to make it two hundred years, I think this trade could make that happen for them!

5. Henry Owens suspended 50 games - Hey! I’ve got a great idea! Let’s use a performance-enhancing drug to speed up the ol’ healing process. Because, you know, MLB never checks for that stuff. Ever. Smart guy, that Henry.

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