Tuesday, February 1, 2011

"I had an appointment last week, and noticed you standing in the hallway.

"Based on my observations, I'd like to offer you my services as a professional shopper and fashion expert. For a nominal fee I'd take your measurements, then carefully select clothes that are both fashionable and flattering to you.

"I want to reassure you that I understand your appearance is not your fault. I'm sure a man in your position doesn't have time to shop for himself, and your wife may be too hurried to select nice clothes for you. In addition, many men, in my experience, are color blind.

"I've enclosed my business card, and look forward to working with you.

Dear Ms. Polyester,Based on my observations, I'd like to offer the suggestion that you change your vacation plans and spend a week or two doing some volunteer/relief work. You need a reality check.

I have food to eat and a place to live. I have a wife who loves me. Our children are healthy, and are privileged to be able to get an education. I have a good job with a regular paycheck. I have clothes to wear. I am blessed.

It honestly does not matter whether you find my wardrobe fashionable. I feel sorry for you, having such warped priorities.

If you're not sure where to go to gain some experience volunteering to help those who truly need help, might I suggest that you spend your vacation helping out at one of the orphanages in the Ukraine. Or perhaps you'd prefer a trip to Guatemala City, where there are over 10,000 people who live in the city dump. Over half of them are children. They wear whatever they can find in the trash. They eat what they can scrounge from people's refuse. They live in the city dump!

Perhaps after you've spent some time doing work that truly matters you'll have a better concept of what's really important in this world.

Too funny. She'd love me...I am female and I wear men's clothes. I HATE women's clothes, especially jeans. Has any other woman noticed that you cannot buy 100 percent cotton women's jeans anymore? They ALWAYS have a least some stretchy stuff in them, and even the smallest amount of that crap feels horrible and looks worse. So, I typically go to Old Navy and buy men's jeans, which are 100 percent cotton and the size doesn't change. I know what size my waist is so I know what size jeans to buy, unlike with women's jeans that can vary depending on brand. GAA! I also wear men's t-shirts and shorts because the quality seems better, much less delicate and can hold up as I am rather rough on my clothes, and also the men's shorts have more pockets so I can carry my wallet and keys since I refuse to carry a purse. I hate purses and have no need for one as I don't wear makeup.

And yes, I am straight. I'm just not girly. I have always been a tomboy. :)

I save even more money by buying my clothes, when possible, at the local Rescue Mission. As long as the short sleeve button down dress shirts are both clean and comfortable, they'll work for the office that I work in.Cheaper than Target, and more money for sugar free cookies.The "Dress for Success" kids, in their shiny, slick suits, are generally frightened of me. If they bother me while walking at the mall, in my usual after work afterwork attire, I simply ask them how much they make, and when they respond(just over minimum wage), I show them my latest pay stub. I love watching them walk away in tears...

First of all, this would have NEVER happened if you had been wearing, oh, I don't know, something FABULOUS like a brain hat.

Second of all, I have prepared a response letter for you:

Dear Ms. Polyester,

Actually, I know exactly who you are - Dr. Pissy pointed you out to me after your first visit so as to allow me to fully appreciate the uniquely charming ensemble you'd worn to your appointment that day. That vision remains quite vivid in my mind. I especially appreciated the scarlet satin thong poking out over the top of your low-cut leather pants.

Based on my observations, I'd like to offer you my services as a neurologist. You seem to lack normal inhibitions - is there any possibility of frontal lobe trauma, do you know? For a small co-payment I can arrange for diagnostic imaging and do a full neurological exam, and then carefully select medications that may help you function more normally in society.

I want to reassure you that I understand your behavior is not your fault. If it isn't trauma-related, there may be a tumor or even something metabolic or infectious... we'll see. I'm sure a woman in your position wouldn't understand any of this anyway, and your husband may not actually care. In addition, many women, in my experience, are just mean, so maybe this is your baseline.

My husband does the 50% off rack thing at Kohls. I mostly shop at Tractor Supply and Bomgaar's (another farm store). I usually go for the sale racks, but I will pay full price for real blue jeans and Carharts. Okay, I go to Dress Barn if I need something a little nicer, but I live in blue jeans and khaki shirts.

Yeah, women's jeans are worthless. Most of the styles now make your ass look HUGE and lumpy.

But there was this one time I couldn’t take my mind off my neurologist I saw in college that had a tie on with a thread that had frayed out. Spent the entire appointment wanting to snip it off. Oh, what new problems, oh, right...urh, what were those...(THREAD!!!) Oh, pain here...and this nerve tumor... (wonder if i can just pull it out...)

ms poly- your kind note leaves me very concerned that you have thus far undiagnosed brain damage. i will gladly provide complete and competent professional neurologic evaluation. if you have insurance. or the cash.

PS Grumps...been meaning to mention this for some time. Know why you have so many "anonymous" comments? It's because your moderator isn't letting many of us through with our google accounts. Thought you'd want to know. Hugs and bunny farts; Camille

RE - google account prolems: It often takes me a couple of goes to get a visual verification to come up - I have to check that the comment has been accepted at the top and scroll down again to see if a proper wv has appeared.I'd like to see a real piccy too - or is the one you use actually representative???Eileensecond attempt wv - autyista, appropriate for the lady?

Maybe, Dr. G is lucky that Dr. Pissy doesn't have any uncommonly forward barbers as patients. I would be more upset about someone insulting my hairstyle than my clothes choices, since I deliberately go for low-key in the dress code. But, my husband has been trimming my hair for 30 years, and he does a very fine job, and if anyone were to insult my hairstyle, why, I'd take it as a personal offense!

That letter is so over-the-top if it were April 1 I'd think it was a joke. I spend time and $ on what interests me. Good thing high fashion isn't in that category cause it costs too much! To the commenter above, YES! Women's jeans, T-shirts, even some sweaters, are a total rip-off. Dr G I don't care what you wear, I think the letter was rude. Probly written by an out-of-work drug rep.

I'm a cashier at Target, and I'll be looking for you in my line. I'll know it's you when I see the cart full of half price clothing and the 12 packs of Diet Coke. And I work at a Super Target so you can even pick up some tomatoes for Mrs. Grumpy while you're there.

I'm with Amy - there's something unsettling to me about a doctor who is too well groomed - as if they would run screaming from the room if there were blood or other messiness. Also, maybe it's inappropriate transferrance, but I secretly think doctors who are that fashion conscious would bring that attitude toward their outcomes...maybe only accept the easy, or neat cases, and scuttle the others to someone for the "messy" work.

Re Anonymous 9:43...I feel uncomfortable with doctors who look too fit and well-exercised. I fear they are secretly despising me because I'm not fit and not my ideal weight. I have good reason for this. My mother is a doctor and when she was practicing she would often come home bitching about her fat patients. Actually she despised all her patients and continues to despise the human race in general, with particular contempt for those who are fat, and/or brown, and/or poor, and/or concerned about the environment.

Oh, doc, I'm so puzzled by the posters who're taking offense at the letter from that idiot. Do they not understand the usage of the circular file?As a vain and looks-conscious patient, I can say that I've never paid any attention to (or even noticed) what my medic was wearing. But a doctor with a sense of humor and humanity, his/her price is far above rubies.

I once had a patient say to me, "Wow, you've really gained weight haven't you!?" Why do people think they have a right to comment on my person just because I work in a public arena? I'm a pharmacist not a freakin' supermodel! Not to mention that the patient who said this probably topped 300lbs themselves.

I think it was a form letter and if you do not respond, there will be a second one with a consiliatory tone. (Is there a deodorant commercial that isn't a little insulting? Advertising: create a need.)

Welcome to my whining!

This blog is entirely for entertainment purposes. All posts about patients may be fictional, or be my experience, or were submitted by a reader, or any combination of the above. Factual statements may or may not be accurate.

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