Trailer – Country Californiahttp://www.countrycalifornia.com
Country music humor, news, opinion.Fri, 09 Sep 2016 00:18:54 +0000en-UShourly1https://wordpress.org/?v=4.8.2Spiteful Jason Aldean Vows to Never Release Another Good Singlehttp://www.countrycalifornia.com/spiteful-jason-aldean-vows-to-never-release-another-good-single/
http://www.countrycalifornia.com/spiteful-jason-aldean-vows-to-never-release-another-good-single/#commentsFri, 07 Aug 2015 04:17:46 +0000http://www.countrycalifornia.com/?p=4934Breaking the one-decent-single-per-album trend that has characterized his career thus far, country superstar Jason Aldean vowed on Thursday to never release a good song to radio again.

“I’m sick and tired of these bloggers and old people and jealous haters deriving pleasure from any of my songs,” Aldean told Country California. “If they’re going to talk trash about all my other terrible – but focus group tested for maximum chart impact – singles, why should I give them a ‘Flyover States’ or anything else they might actually kinda enjoy?”

Aldean, the singer of “Amarillo Sky,” has seemingly grown more jaded and irritable in recent years, likely due to critical ‘bro-country’ backlash and social media commentary about his romantic affairs.

“I don’t owe anybody a damn thing, especially people who don’t like the two to three predictably moronic party anthems I generally release to country radio in each album cycle – it’s all or nothing, you jackasses,” said a frowning Aldean after announcing the godawful “Gonna Know We Were Here” as his newest single.

Many of Aldean’s so-called haters expected the final single from Old Boots, New Dirt to be the ear-pleasing “Two Night Town,” as it has been Aldean’s pattern to balance two or three sh*ttacular songs per album with at least one single that suggests he actually would have the talent to not be such a commerce-driven cliché of an artist if he were so inclined.

“Nobody will ever hear a ‘The Truth’ or a ‘Night Train’ from me again unless they dig into the deep album cuts,” promised Aldean. “I’m not in the business of putting out intelligent or emotionally authentic songs that a Sturgill Simpson fan might find himself enjoying, despite misgivings.”

]]>http://www.countrycalifornia.com/spiteful-jason-aldean-vows-to-never-release-another-good-single/feed/21Story Behind the Song: Luke Bryan’s “Kick the Dust Up”http://www.countrycalifornia.com/story-behind-the-song-luke-bryans-kick-the-dust-up/
Tue, 26 May 2015 21:11:51 +0000http://www.countrycalifornia.com/?p=4870Luke Bryan released his next #1 smash single, “Kick the Dust Up,” last week and we at Country California were very curious about the story behind this complex and original work of art. Luckily, we were able to speak with all three writers of the song as they took a break from a grueling half-hour writing session this morning.

“It’s a funny story,” starts Chris DeStefano. “Dallas showed up three hours late with a bottle of Southern Comfort Caramel in one hand and his iPad in the other and said ‘Let’s write, bitches!'”

Ashley Gorley apparently had a vague idea for the song going in. “Once we got Dallas seated and focused on hydrating himself a little, I told the guys what I had in mind,” explains Gorley. “I said ‘You know how everybody hates this bro country stuff, whatever that is? Well, how subversive and against the grain would it be to go the full bro?'”

“I like money,” Davidson reportedly replied, mopping spilled Dasani off the neck of his guitar.

“Yeah man, let’s just stick it in their faces,” laughed DeStefano.

Things went fairly smoothly as the trio settled on a theme (partying outside a small town) and started an outline of the song, but some tension arose as they pondered a direction for the second verse. “I know, I know… you know how city boys suck at being manly and partying and shit?” slurred Davidson.

“No, tell us, hillbilly,” shot back DeStefano.

“I mean, no offense or nothing, but city boys… y’all ain’t shit,” said Davidson. “So let’s just make the second verse about that.”

A brief skirmish highlighted by an armbar submission placed on Davidson by DeStefano was swiftly broken up by Gorley and the session was back on track.

Over the next nine minutes, the masters of their craft laid out chord progressions, nailed a chorus, determined how the requisite hip-hop beat would fit, and fleshed out a more subtle version of Davidson’s idea for the second verse.

“Hole on hole on,” yelled Davidson. “It needs some lil something to make it different cause I’mma be honest with y’all, I can’t tell this song from that one we wrote before lunch.”

“A bass drop?” offered DeStefano.

“Should we get ‘Yeti Cooler’ in there somehow?” asked Gorley.

“Nah nah… less pud in a lil squiggly sounding guitar thing after the chorus,” said Davidson.

Gorley came up with an interesting riff that seemed to fit Davidson’s description, but things got sideways again when DeStefano said he liked the Middle Eastern flair. “You mean like ISIS?” Davidson screamed, punching Gorley awkwardly in the ear. “Merica, bitches.”

When the dust finally settled, Gorley and DeStefano left the riff as it was but described it to Dallas as “Israeli-sounding” and everything was cool.

“So that’s it, just another day at the office,” smiles DeStefano. “We’re pretty proud of it.”

At press time, despite a bit more critical backlash than usual, “Kick the Dust Up” had debuted in the top 20 on Billboard’s Country Airplay chart.

]]>One-of-a-Kind New Country Singer Carves His Own Nichehttp://www.countrycalifornia.com/one-of-a-kind-new-country-singer-carves-his-own-niche/
http://www.countrycalifornia.com/one-of-a-kind-new-country-singer-carves-his-own-niche/#commentsWed, 14 Jan 2015 08:24:43 +0000http://www.countrycalifornia.com/?p=4750Already named to The Boot’s prestigious “Ones to Watch 2015” list, Brant Smith is poised for a breakthrough year and he wants you to know he’s doing it his way. Our correspondent sat down with Bryant to find out what makes him stand out among this year’s crop of stubble-chinned warblers.

“Most debut artists don’t get as much control over their music as Prestige Nashville has given me, but they saw something edgy and different in me and just handed over the reins,” said Scott, molding a stray tuft of gelled hair back into the towering blond coiffure atop his head. Chris went on to explain how his first album will be a true portrait of his life and his completely distinctive upbringing.

“Man, I grew up on a dirt road where there wasn’t much to do, so me and my friends just kicked it the best way we knew how,” explained Dylan. “I know this sounds crazy, but sometimes we’d just grab a few cold ones and some pretty girls and find a field to chill in. That’s the kind of out-there stuff I want to bring to my music!”

Chad’s wildly idiosyncratic influences range anywhere from “good ol’ country like Kenny and Trace” to Godsmack to Calvin Harris to Waka Flocka Flame. “Nobody out there’s going to admit listening to all the crazy stuff I do, much less incorporate it into their country music,” laughed Mark, pushing up the sleeves of his form-fitting grey henley.

Steven, quite surprisingly a former high school quarterback, went on to say that he’d taken the unheard of step of co-writing the entire album with some of Nashville’s lesser-known songwriters like Ashley Gorley, Josh Kear, and Kyle Jacobs. Jon expects to release an EP in early spring as he heads out in support of fellow maverick Chase Rice, with a full album to follow in the fall.

Based on his nonconformist attitude and unusual backstory, we expect Lee to forge his own path outside the box on Music Row and become a force to reckon with on country radio. Listen to The Bobby Bones Show this Friday as Randy debuts his new single “Girl Let’s Have a Good Time Tonight.”

]]>http://www.countrycalifornia.com/one-of-a-kind-new-country-singer-carves-his-own-niche/feed/1Jason Aldean Is Finally Happy, Really He Ishttp://www.countrycalifornia.com/jason-aldean-is-finally-happy-really-he-is/
http://www.countrycalifornia.com/jason-aldean-is-finally-happy-really-he-is/#commentsThu, 25 Sep 2014 18:01:03 +0000http://www.countrycalifornia.com/?p=4656Jason Aldean is finally living a fulfilled and joyous life and will assault you viciously if you don’t like it, according to a recent interview with the popular Face the Country blog. Though most of the questions asked were softballs, Aldean managed to insert his aggressively petulant views on life, music, and privacy into most every response.

Find an excerpted portion of the full Q&A below.

Face the Country: Jason, your new single “Burnin’ It Down” is just hot! Like, how’d you decide to go this direction?

Aldean: Well, some people out there think they get to be the deciders on what is and isn’t country. We just wanted to go in there and make something the hotties would love and the haters would hate. Not that I care what the haters think. I mean, I want them to hate it but I want them to shut up!!! It’s a pair of docks [sic], you know.

FTC: LOL. (yes, spoken audibly) You go, boy! We hate to bring this up, but there has been a tiny little eensy minuscule bit of criticism about your persona…

Aldean: Next question. No, let me tell you something. That was so long ago. Like years. I don’t even remember who I was married to back then. I don’t even want to talk about this. Me and Brittany are very happy together, very damn happy. Move on. We don’t want to be in the public eye with this crap, so I’m not going to go into it. I mean, have you ever drove over the speed limit? Yeah, so who are you to sit and judge? I mean, let’s not talk about this stuff. It took years for me to get this happy, so I’m not going to let you take that from me!

FTC:(crying) It must be an exciting time for you with your new album coming ou…

Aldean: Listen, if you say the words “bro country,” I will literally give you an atomic wedgie and take a picture of it and put it on my Instagram. I sing about what I know about. If you sang, you’d do songs about, uh, bloggifying or whatever. I’m a famous millionaire who is either on tour or home counting money at all times, so of course I sing about hanging out in the country. Next damn question.

FTC: I love rap music and I love country music and I love rap music inserted into country music and I love your music. That said, what do you have to say to critics of hick-ho…

Aldean: This is bullsh*t! You shut up right now. The next person out there, nerds behind a keyboard or whoever, who says anything remotely non-positive about me, my music, my life, or my friends… I will drive my tour bus directly to your house, dorm, or apartment and beat you down with my wallet chain. I’m freaking happy people!!! My life could not be bringing me any more satisfaction than it is at this very damn moment! Leave me the hell alone!

FTC: Ha ha, okay! We love you Jason!

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Face the CountryFarce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.

]]>http://www.countrycalifornia.com/jason-aldean-is-finally-happy-really-he-is/feed/6One Truck Still Doesn’t Have a Country Song Written About Ithttp://www.countrycalifornia.com/one-truck-still-doesnt-have-a-country-song-written-about-it/
Wed, 23 Jul 2014 16:11:46 +0000http://www.countrycalifornia.com/?p=4612

One of Brenda’s more fortunate classmates.

A single 1974 Dodge Club Cab pickup in Oak Vale, Mississippi, has somehow escaped the gaze and thoughtful tune-smithing of country music songwriters. The sky blue four-speed vehicle resting beneath the spreading boughs of a 61-year-old magnolia tree to the side of retired farmer Clyde Henderson’s modest home has never once been the lyrical setting of a tailgate party, mudding adventure, or late night tryst.

Henderson says he feels bad for “Brenda” (his affectionate name for the Dodge) because even though she has taken part in such activities as circling up for a party, carrying wood for a bonfire, rolling over in a ditch on a tight curve, cranking ol’ Hank, and other country music tropes, not so much as a chorus has ever memorialized her in song. “I think it hurts her – yeah, I think she has feelings – to hear literally every other pickup truck in America get its own few minutes of fame on country radio,” said a downcast Henderson.

These days, Brenda spends much of her time taking Clyde to his morning breakfast club or hauling the occasional load of firewood, her hard-partying glory days only documented in the dings, scrapes, and squeaks on the old Club Cab. “Don’t tell Lena [Clyde’s wife of 42 years] I said this, but our first kid was made in that ol’ truck one night down by Jeff Davis Lake, while fireflies danced and Ray Price sang on those crackling speakers,” recalled Henderson. “Hell, that’s a platinum Jason Aldean single just waiting to happen.”

Other marketable, high-country-cred events in Brenda’s past that have inexplicably been overlooked by Nashville’s finest include: hauling ass down River Road with a stolen case of High Life in the bed, getting stuck in a soybean field on purpose, playing host to a tailgate striptease by Lena (don’t tell her we said that), flying a rebel flag, taking Clyde and a friend to a Bocephus concert, and more.

At press time, 64 Music Row songwriters were wondering why their GPS couldn’t locate Oak Vale.

]]>Touring Band’s Van and Gear Not Stolenhttp://www.countrycalifornia.com/touring-bands-van-and-gear-not-stolen/
Tue, 17 Jun 2014 20:27:59 +0000http://www.countrycalifornia.com/?p=4566A popular roots rock band is not starting a Kickstarter page to defray the costs of a white 1998 Ford E-350 van and Pro-Line trailer with the band’s logo on the side and $1700 in musical gear, which were quite shockingly not stolen after a recent Houston area gig.

The Whiskey Hawks, of High Point, North Carolina, had just finished up their supporting set for Jason Boland at Dosey Doe in The Woodlands and ducked out a bit early. “We’d seen Jason and the guys a few times before and hung out some, and we were hungry, so we left around 9:30 for Waffle House,” said drummer Gus Pounds. “And that’s when it happened.”

Members of the four-piece Americana/punk/folk outfit were shocked by what they discovered. “I thought maybe the scattered-and-covered I’d had was messing with my head,” explained lead singer Aaron Lavox, “but our van and trailer were still right there where we parked them.”

Police were not called to the scene of the un-stolen touring vehicle and ‘drunken hawk’ emblazoned instrument carrier, and aside from a small hole in a denim vest caused by an unextinguished American Spirit cigarette, no damage was reported.

“I’m happy, you know, but I’m just thinking the whole time… is our stuff not good enough for you?” bassist James Squier wondered as he groomed his immaculate beard. “Even the cahon was still there – what, nobody wanted that for an end table?”

At press time, the Whiskey Hawks were contemplating a PledgeMusic campaign to fund an upcoming six-song covers EP of obscure Bellamy Brothers songs.

]]>Local Man Mows Vulgar Phrase on Radio Station Lawnhttp://www.countrycalifornia.com/local-man-mows-vulgar-phrase-on-radio-station-lawn/
http://www.countrycalifornia.com/local-man-mows-vulgar-phrase-on-radio-station-lawn/#commentsFri, 03 May 2013 16:54:33 +0000http://www.countrycalifornia.com/?p=4151Local country music fan Reginald Spears was arrested Friday morning after mowing a vulgar phrase onto the lawn of radio station WTSM Catfish 104.9 FM.

Police said Spears, who has a long record of misdemeanors and public complaints, was taken into custody without incident at the country station as he admired his work from the seat of his John Deere riding lawnmower. Deputy William Cranston said the man was finishing off a bottle of whiskey and singing to himself before turning around with his hands behind his back.

“We’d gotten a few calls about a white male driving a mower through town with shoes dragging behind, but hadn’t been able to find him until the radio station manager called us,” said Cranston.

WTSM manager Bart McGee confronted the man before calling police.

“I asked him if he was with our lawn care service because he looked suspicious and kind of familiar. There wasn’t a truck or trailer anywhere, just him on his mower,” said McGee. “It wasn’t until he said something about us only playing George Jones because he died that I noticed what he’d just done… there was a huge ‘F**k You’ mowed into the grass.”

Although Mr. Spears was not available for comment at press time, his wife – Laverne Spears, also local – was all too pleased to fill us in on the events leading up to the incident. “His alarm clock woke him up with the radio playing that Forrest Gump remix of ‘Finally Friday’ and he got up cranky. He said he was gonna show them sumb*tches about respecting the Possum.”

“He went out and cranked up the mower and I thought he was just gonna cut the yard till he drove off down the road,” she continued.

Spears’ ride apparently took him to Barney’s Package Store, then the Goodwill Store, where he was seen tying shoes behind the mower. He snarled mid-morning traffic as he drove the slow-moving vehicle through the town square to his final destination.

“He pointed at those shoes behind his mower and asked me ‘Who the f**k’s gonna fill em? Fake Shelton?’ I could smell whiskey on his breath,” recounts McGee. “Then a light came on and I remembered he was the same guy who cut our signal a couple of years back for playing ‘Christmas Shoes.’ What a kook!”

Spears may now be facing some actual jail time due to his prior record. His charges for this “protest” include operating a non-street-legal vehicle in traffic, driving while intoxicated and vandalism.

“That vandalism charge is bullsh*t,” claims Mrs. Spears. “Their grass was high as an armadillo’s *ss. He was helping them out. They can kiss my *ss too! Long live the Possum!”

The somber, emaciated 51-year-old across the table from our correspondent stood in stark contrast to the color-block shirted, barrel-chested wild man of Nashville memory as he confessed that “girls are expensive.”

Despite 200 million in album sales, years of sold out concert tours and an estimated $350 million in career earnings, the country legend is surviving on Spam and saltine crackers these days as he plots his comeback. “I know, I know… I’ve seen all those VH1 specials about guys like MC Hammer and thought, how the hell did they go through all that money?” admitted Brooks, pulling at a loose thread on his 2008 Old Navy America t-shirt.

Brooks put his career on hiatus in 2001 to see his daughters through high school and into college. The costs of his divorce that year and the upbringing of three girls was a far greater financial strain than any of his fans might have imagined. “Well, Sandy got half and the girls got the other half,” chuckled Garth, sipping Big K Cola from a can. “I didn’t know Bratz cost so damn much.”

“I’ve also burned through most of Trisha’s money with some bad investments,” he continued, with a tear the size of a quarter building in his left eye. “The pager store franchise went under in ’02… damn cell phones. And my personal brand of offensively bright shirts for big and tall men never got off the ground due to a sweat-shop scandal.”

His three-year Vegas run only put a band-aid on the problem as bills and tuition costs slowly ate away at Brooks’ remaining fortune. “I’ve lost 60 pounds, man; all my old ‘Mo’ Bettas look like circus tents on me now. I’m going in for a third mortgage on the mansion.”

A potential comeback is in the cards, though the 26-year Nashville vet is not currently aligned with a record label. “Borchetta is interested in a comeback album, but he’s not sure I’ll fit the Big Machine mold. Hell, I guess I’d do auto-tune and sing about trucks… I need some money, pardner!” said Brooks.

The “Friends in Low Places” superstar bid us adieu for his afternoon Starbucks shift with these off-topic words: “Everybody blames me for pop-country, but I’m Hank Sr. compared to folks these days…”

At press time, Scott Borchetta had passed on Garth Brooks for a 19-year-old community college dropout with a five o’clock shadow and an intriguing chin scar.

A source inside the LeAnn Rimes camp has revealed the tragic details of a recent beach outing with husband Eddie Cibrian during which the sculpted and manicured Rimes wore a brand new white Michael Kors Speed Clip Bikini without any photographic documentation whatsoever.

“It was chaotic to say the least,” said our source. “First, two of the photographers we tipped off came down with strep throat. How does that happen? Anyway, the TMZ guy got into a fender bender with Amanda Bynes and couldn’t make it.”

The complications didn’t end there: “I could’ve taken a picture myself, but I dropped my phone in the surf. That’s the third one this year! Then, Eddie’s phone ran out of juice, so we asked LeAnn if she’d brought hers. She said ‘This thing doesn’t have pockets’ and that was it. Not a single person was around to get proof of just how hot and stunning she looked in that new suit.”

Rimes had been on the Insanity Workout for 29 days and her triceps were really defined, according to the source. Also, her glutes were “to die for.”

“I mean, how is the world supposed to cope without evidence of this glorious spectacle of feminine flesh? That awesome Michael Kors suit is wasted and LeAnn is worried the celeb-worship sites may move on to some other fame whores like the Jenner sisters or one of those teen moms,” continued the insider.

Our source assures us that a catastrophe of this magnitude will not happen again. TMZ and The Superficial have given their support to Rimes, guaranteeing coverage for her lack of coverage for the foreseeable future.

A Malibu trip is scheduled for this Saturday, with LeAnn revealing her newly ripped shoulders in a Mara Hoffman pistachio number. Thirty-five members of the paparazzi have been notified of the outing and our source promises there will be several backup phones available. Whew!

]]>http://www.countrycalifornia.com/leann-rimes-not-photographed-wearing-bikini/feed/1Some Guy You’ve Never Heard of Makes Opry Debuthttp://www.countrycalifornia.com/some-guy-youve-never-heard-of-makes-opry-debut/
http://www.countrycalifornia.com/some-guy-youve-never-heard-of-makes-opry-debut/#commentsThu, 01 Mar 2012 20:33:25 +0000http://www.countrycalifornia.com/?p=3603Some country singer you have never heard of, much less heard any music from, makes his Opry debut Friday night.

Hailing from a fond-memory-inducing podunk on the Kentucky horizon, the random male country performer reportedly grew up listening to the Opry on the radio. He also visited the Opry several times, and idolized quite a few artists who graced that stage. He also wears a cowboy hat and customized leather belts.

Whoever this guy is released his debut single in late December and has seen it rise steadily into the lower 30s on the charts. Tall, blue-eyed, and handsome, the unidentified singer is said to possess a vocal style reminiscent of that one guy with the tight jeans.

Nondescript vocalist guy is currently in the studio with an in-demand hit producer and the engineer of several forgettably popular recent releases. The tepid – but commercially viable – debut album, with a cover photo of the dude standing in front of a weathered brick wall, is expected to be released in early summer.

This person’s Opry debut will be on a bill with Mel Tillis and Montgomery Gentry as well as a high school glee club and a token bluegrass band.

At press time, a rumor was swirling that there may be a major announcement or invitation of some sort for this featureless, though quite fetching, country music singer when he takes the stage.