‘iSteve’ Review: Don’t Watch This. Just Don’t.

Sure, he doesn’t look, sound, or act like Jobs, but… no, there is no but. It’s just bad.

I wanted to stop watching. This “hilarious” “biopic” of Steve Jobs by the “genius” “writers” at Funny or Die just kept going. It’s even eighty minutes long. It’s super stupid long. But what part got me going the most? What part made me groan the most? Maybe it was- well, let me back up. iSteve is not, by any means, a retelling of history. There are familiar names in familiar situations, but this “movie” is really little more than a series of poor sketches stapled end to end. It makes that Ashton Kutcher Jobs flick look like Oscar material.

I don’t even know who you could successfully market this movie to. You have the tech buffs who already know five times over how the PC industry was started and how the story between Jobs and Gates happened, we know all that. This isn’t for us. Maybe there are those who are really hot for the deliberately miscast Justin Long as Jobs, who looks and acts nothing like our memory. Maybe those same people will enjoy the slightly more appropriate Hugo “Hurley” Chavez as Wozniak being played off the stage in a “hilarious” gag in scene after scene. I didn’t laugh once at anything. Never once does it give you a loud bang to know when to clap, it just keeps going.

But those weren’t the worst parts. Maybe it was Bill Gates and Jobs sitting in a garage “programming” by hammering circuit boards. Maybe it was when an older Jobs, telling this whole story in flashback, winds down halfway through and has to have his motherboard replaced. Or a meek Jobs wandering into Lolapalooza and taking all of the company’s biggest products over the next decade from Billy Corgan- because that is funny as fuck. No, the worst has to be the Lawnmower Man-cum-Demolition Man VR sex scene between Jobs and Melinda Gates.

There’s nothing redeemable about this… thing. It’s not funny, it doesn’t make sense, it not even funny in how much it doesn’t make sense. Are you really interested in a scene where George Lucas explains midichlorians to Jobs? Do you know how awful that sounds? That’s how far away you should stay away.