I’ve been reading Tim Challies’ blog for years—it’s one of the few blogs I read on a regular basis. Challies releases new posts daily, and I’ve read nearly every one for the last five years. His content is biblical, thought-provoking, and Christ-exalting.

Two years ago, he published a post that I have a love-hate relationship with. As a marriage pastor, I love it. As a writer, I hate it.

These books have changed my life and my marriage. They guide the way I love my wife and the ways I lead others as a marriage pastor. But Challies says we need to stop reading so many marriage books. He says no one needs to read 6-8 different books about marriage.

As I writer, I cringe a little and question the necessity of new marriage books. Why did I write Ready or Knot? Why do we need another book on marriage if everything Challies said is true?

The Best Way to Learn About Marriage

There’s so much you and I can learn from others who are further down the road. And while I have learned so much from books by people like Keller, Thomas, and Stanley, the best lessons have been learned from watching and interacting with other couples—real life, flesh and blood human beings.

I’ve learned how to communicate from John and Pam. I’ve learned how to pray from Jim and Judy. Kristen and I have learned how to have fun from Tim and Emily. I’ve learned how to raise kids from Will and Kelly and I’ve learned how to suffer well with a dying spouse from Gloria and my mom. Both courageous women buried their husbands in the last few years. The list goes on and on and on.

As Challies says in his article, “stop reading and start inviting—stop with the marriage books and begin to invite yourself into the lives and homes of people whose marriage you admire.” If you are a wiser married couple, read books and blog posts with younger couples.

Challies closes his article with the following:

“Books are wonderful, and I believe strongly in the value of reading. Books on marriage can be wonderful, and I have benefitted from reading many of them. But the best and most helpful books on marriage are the ones being lived out by husbands and wives in your family, in your neighborhood, and especially in your church. Read them longer and more thoroughly than any other.”

Learn From Other Couples

Read great marriage books. Listen to podcasts and read blog posts. But more importantly, don’t just buy books and read them or listen to podcasts on your own. Instead, interact with other couples about what you’re learning.

Ask another couple out to dinner. Invite a wiser couple into your home or out for coffee. Interact with the content in the book and podcast and ask others how it plays out in their marriage.

How do you keep the spark alive in your marriage? Do you still “date” each other?

What do you do when one of you is “in the mood” and the other “has a headache?”

How do you make decisions about spending? Giving? Schedule? Meals? Household chores?

What does spiritual intimacy look like in your marriage? When do you pray together? Or, why do you not pray together?

How do you make decisions about trying to grow your family? Discipline? Activities for your kids?

This list is just a start! Ask yourself what you need to learn and figure out who you’re going to learn it from. Stop reading and start asking. Learn from others and spend time with other couples.

This post first appeared on the MarriedPeople blog under the title, “Do We Need More Books on Marriage?”

Your Turn (and book giveaway)

Who’s another married couple you’ve learned from?

Share your response below and I’ll pick one winner to send a copy of my book Ready or Knot? (that since you read this post would read along with another couple, right??!?!). I’ll pick a winner at 10:00pm, cst Sunday night (2/24).

And, if you’re so inclined, forward this post to them and tell them “Thanks” for all the ways they helped grow your marriage.

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Scott Kedersha

Elizabeth

Kim and Shane Whitehead, Crystal and Chad Pinson, Dee and Roddy Elliott, My parents who have been married for 50 years and Bryce’s parents who have been married for 52 years! Racheal and Clay Potter, Meredith and Steve Ratliff, Molly and Thomas Rhodes just to name a few, OH and John and Pam McGee and you and Kristen!!!

Brock

My parents are going on 37 years of marriage. I feel like they have been grooming me to be a good husband before I could even walk and talk. I haven’t always looked for their relationship advice in the past, but as a man on the cusp of marriage (less than 4 months away) I have really grown to appreciate their insights and wisdom. This post has inspired me to compile a hard list of advice from them and give them pointed topics to speak into that I can share with with bride to be. I think it would be cool to have them share that with their community group as well to see what other wisdom I could obtain.

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Scott Kedersha

Way to go, Brock. What a gift to have parents who you look up to. As you probably know, that’s way too rare. Make sure you encourage them and tell them what you shared – i think it would be a gift to them!

Scott Kedersha

Claressa

Honestly, Scott, you and Kristen. While I know we haven’t sat around a dinner table and asked you guys questions, we have learned from you in Merge, your blog and in other contexts through work. The way that we continue to date one another in fun and creative ways was first introduced to us through you guys. And we are a huge advocate of that for others! So thank you!

Josh Radcliff

Chris and Karla Austin. 3 years ago, when a few of my friends and I wanted to truly start running after Christ and changing the UTA campus, we started meeting weekly and were lead by Chris Austin. Ever since then, Chris and Karla would frequently open up their home to us, cook for us, and demonstrate what a Godly marriage looks like. They’ve welcomed over 100 different college-aged men an women into their home over the past several years, and they have been incredible at answering any questions we have about living for Christ as single men and women and preparing to be Godly spouses.

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Scott Kedersha

Brittni Taylor

Bobby and Stacy Rodriguez have been pouring drips of wisdom about work, life, and marriage since I started serving in the Crossroads ministry a couple years ago at WM. Nick and I have had such great discussions about expectations, our trust in the Lord, and how to walk in a godly marriage based on tidbits I’ve received from Bobby and Stacy. Also, Charlie and Marnie Densmore in Durham, North Carolina have made a big impact on our relationship. Charlie and Marnie were pouring the love and wisdom of Christ into Nick long before I met him, helping mold him into a follower of Christ as an athlete in college through Athletes in Action. They helped teach him how to be a godly athlete, student of the Word, and eventually husband. I have met this couple and it is evident that they love Nick and I, and Charlie still checks in with Nick to encourage him and now be encouraged by him. We are very blessed to have several other amazing married couples around us at Watermark that continue to give us wisdom, whether they’ve been married for 2 or 20 years. Now that we are walking through Merge, it’s so cool to see how we’ve gotten to have some of these discussions before, and now more in depth, because of our godly examples of marriage laid before us. 🙂