Nasty temper. LONG

I am a very laid back girl who does not like confrontation or stress. I would rather live without it. DH and I didn't know eachother long enough before getting married which is a huge regret of mine. Although I do not regret my marriage I just wish we dated longer. But DH has a terrible temper! And we did not live together before marriage so I did not fully understand this until I moved in. He reminds me of a child at times. He gets so angry and doesn't think before he speaks. It's like his emotions take over and he is possessed! I try to reason with him and ask him to just breath, calm down, relax, think about what he is saying etc. But that seems to just infuriate him worse. And even if the anger isn't caused by me is normally gets directed towards me. Yesrerday this happened. He ran out to the car and it was raining, we live in apts and don't have a driveway so the car is like 5 steps infront of the door, not far! And it wasn't a hard rain either. Well I guess he dropped some clothing in a puddle. Ok no biggie I was at the washer anyways doing laundry so we could just throw that in with the rest. But he was cursing and ranting blah blah blah. So I asked him to pick up all the stuff he dropped on the ground because I spend the ENTIRE day cleaning the house. I asked nicely and didn't expect him to do it right away either. Well that's when it got turned onto me. I don't remember what he started yelling but he was screaming at me. So I mocked him (bad idea). Normally I just keep my mouth shut but I am so sick of him acting like a child and I wanted him to see what I see. Well he went up the stairs yelled down at me to f*ck off and slammed the door so hard my cross fell off the wall. A very special cross I got from grandmother a week before she passed. So I went up stairs and tryed so hard to soothe him and be nice and explain why I mocked him. But he wouldn't hear me just told me to get out of his face and next time I mocked him he was leaving. So at this point I'm begging him to be calm and think about how childish he is being. I had to leave so I went down stairs and sat alone for a while behind the couch to be alone and just cried. He came down minutes later trying to hug and say how stupid he was. So I told him it's not how he treats me that hurts anymore, I don't want my child around someone who behaves that way. And I told him he shouldn't be like his father was. His dad had a nasty temper but a few years ago turned himself around and is such a sweet man now. So I said that his dad wants better for him, he doesn't want him making those same mistakes. Then he started screaming at me again that he is allowed to get angry. Blah blah blah. I don't remember what he said I just block it out. Then once again I'm head in my hands crying on the ground. He comes back says he sorry and makes promises to change again.

Now before you completly hate him, 85% of the time he is sweet. He dotes on me and would do anything to see me smile. But when he's angry it's so scary. I want us to seek therapy but the problem with that is I'm afraid we'll lose our security clearence with our jobs. HELP!

I am a very laid back girl who does not like confrontation or stress. I would rather live without it. DH and I didn't know eachother long enough before getting married which is a huge regret of mine. Although I do not regret my marriage I just wish we dated longer. But DH has a terrible temper! And we did not live together before marriage so I did not fully understand this until I moved in. He reminds me of a child at times. He gets so angry and doesn't think before he speaks. It's like his emotions take over and he is possessed! I try to reason with him and ask him to just breath, calm down, relax, think about what he is saying etc. But that seems to just infuriate him worse. And even if the anger isn't caused by me is normally gets directed towards me. Yesrerday this happened. He ran out to the car and it was raining, we live in apts and don't have a driveway so the car is like 5 steps infront of the door, not far! And it wasn't a hard rain either. Well I guess he dropped some clothing in a puddle. Ok no biggie I was at the washer anyways doing laundry so we could just throw that in with the rest. But he was cursing and ranting blah blah blah. So I asked him to pick up all the stuff he dropped on the ground because I spend the ENTIRE day cleaning the house. I asked nicely and didn't expect him to do it right away either. Well that's when it got turned onto me. I don't remember what he started yelling but he was screaming at me. So I mocked him (bad idea). Normally I just keep my mouth shut but I am so sick of him acting like a child and I wanted him to see what I see. Well he went up the stairs yelled down at me to f*ck off and slammed the door so hard my cross fell off the wall. A very special cross I got from grandmother a week before she passed. So I went up stairs and tryed so hard to soothe him and be nice and explain why I mocked him. But he wouldn't hear me just told me to get out of his face and next time I mocked him he was leaving. So at this point I'm begging him to be calm and think about how childish he is being. I had to leave so I went down stairs and sat alone for a while behind the couch to be alone and just cried. He came down minutes later trying to hug and say how stupid he was. So I told him it's not how he treats me that hurts anymore, I don't want my child around someone who behaves that way. And I told him he shouldn't be like his father was. His dad had a nasty temper but a few years ago turned himself around and is such a sweet man now. So I said that his dad wants better for him, he doesn't want him making those same mistakes. Then he started screaming at me again that he is allowed to get angry. Blah blah blah. I don't remember what he said I just block it out. Then once again I'm head in my hands crying on the ground. He comes back says he sorry and makes promises to change again.

Now before you completly hate him, 85% of the time he is sweet. He dotes on me and would do anything to see me smile. But when he's angry it's so scary. I want us to seek therapy but the problem with that is I'm afraid we'll lose our security clearence with our jobs. HELP!

Definitely! I told him that is a stipulation of us staying together so I know he'll do it. I'm not sure if we'll get an appt before Xmas but I can wait til January. I'll let you know what they suggest. :D It gives me hope that your hubby's Dad got control of his temper...so it is possible!

Definitely! I told him that is a stipulation of us staying together so I know he'll do it. I'm not sure if we'll get an appt before Xmas but I can wait til January. I'll let you know what they suggest. :D It gives me hope that your hubby's Dad got control of his temper...so it is possible!

No he has never hit me, and I don't think he would. At least I would hope not. I'm going to try the FAMILY word. But I think something like that will piss him off more. Because he'll see it as me throwing it in his face. Just like everytime I try to calm him. But ANYTHING is worth a try. I am truly desperate. Thank you for your story. I'm sorry you had to go through that but it does bring me hope!

No he has never hit me, and I don't think he would. At least I would hope not. I'm going to try the FAMILY word. But I think something like that will piss him off more. Because he'll see it as me throwing it in his face. Just like everytime I try to calm him. But ANYTHING is worth a try. I am truly desperate. Thank you for your story. I'm sorry you had to go through that but it does bring me hope!

Yep he did and he's so wonderful which gives me hope too. My MIL told me her bags were at the door and she told him if he didn't get help then out she would go. She left her bags there as a reminder too! So he saw a theripist and got help for his anger. And it worked. Really well!

Yep he did and he's so wonderful which gives me hope too. My MIL told me her bags were at the door and she told him if he didn't get help then out she would go. She left her bags there as a reminder too! So he saw a theripist and got help for his anger. And it worked. Really well!

I don't think councelling of any type would put security clearence at risk. If you choose to go to councelling on your own thats noones concern but your own, unless of course work sent you there and are following your progress, but even then, they wouldn't know details....they would just know if you are able to continue with your regular duties or if you need more time..

I don't think councelling of any type would put security clearence at risk. If you choose to go to councelling on your own thats noones concern but your own, unless of course work sent you there and are following your progress, but even then, they wouldn't know details....they would just know if you are able to continue with your regular duties or if you need more time..

It is really a relief to know that other people are going thru this too. My husband has always had a bit of a temper. But the last couple months, its gotten worse. Its like walking on eggshells, I never know what little thing will set him off next. My christmas present from him, which was totally his idea, is he is starting anger management. I really hope it sinks in, because its really not a way to live.

It is really a relief to know that other people are going thru this too. My husband has always had a bit of a temper. But the last couple months, its gotten worse. Its like walking on eggshells, I never know what little thing will set him off next. My christmas present from him, which was totally his idea, is he is starting anger management. I really hope it sinks in, because its really not a way to live.

Well with the job we have to let them know if we do any type of therapy. Because they need to know we're stable and not going to have issues of any kind or we become a risk... so it's tricky I guess... =(

Well with the job we have to let them know if we do any type of therapy. Because they need to know we're stable and not going to have issues of any kind or we become a risk... so it's tricky I guess... =(

wow, this is almost scary, but i was in a similar situation with my DH....

basically, he had, well still has but to a much lesser degree, a short temper problem. He would get angry fast, yell loudly and say hurtfull things including curses.....then he would be apologetic and try to be sweet and nice to me....

unlike you, I used to respond and infuriate him even more, I used to either yell back, or say things I knew would hurt him.....i even hit or pinched him a few times during our past fights.

Then we developed a code word: "family", basically the idea is that if one of us escalates the fight to a level the other finds unacceptable, the other person says this code word which means that we have to go to separate rooms right away to cool off BEFORE it gets ugly

so the healing for us started when we both recognized that there was a problem: he admitted that he had short temper and would yell unacceptably lound, I admitted that I struck or pinched him and that physical violence is not acceptable either even if i was provoked.

We never went for counseling, but I trully believe that we managed to lessen the problem considerably but sticking to this code word.

So now, we fight rarely and we both try very hard not to allow any fight to escalate.

I also heard or read someplace that as a matter of rule, it's not a good idea to bring past problems or past grievances into any current fight......this escalates negative feelings even more....

well, good luck and i hope he never actually hit you, a man hitting a woman can lead to very scary consequences....

wow, this is almost scary, but i was in a similar situation with my DH....

basically, he had, well still has but to a much lesser degree, a short temper problem. He would get angry fast, yell loudly and say hurtfull things including curses.....then he would be apologetic and try to be sweet and nice to me....

unlike you, I used to respond and infuriate him even more, I used to either yell back, or say things I knew would hurt him.....i even hit or pinched him a few times during our past fights.

Then we developed a code word: "family", basically the idea is that if one of us escalates the fight to a level the other finds unacceptable, the other person says this code word which means that we have to go to separate rooms right away to cool off BEFORE it gets ugly

so the healing for us started when we both recognized that there was a problem: he admitted that he had short temper and would yell unacceptably lound, I admitted that I struck or pinched him and that physical violence is not acceptable either even if i was provoked.

We never went for counseling, but I trully believe that we managed to lessen the problem considerably but sticking to this code word.

So now, we fight rarely and we both try very hard not to allow any fight to escalate.

I also heard or read someplace that as a matter of rule, it's not a good idea to bring past problems or past grievances into any current fight......this escalates negative feelings even more....

well, good luck and i hope he never actually hit you, a man hitting a woman can lead to very scary consequences....

My hubby surprised me last night. He talked to his sister in Ontario and told her about him getting mad at me and calling me names. She told him that he needs to realize that not everyone is used to the way they act when they're upset. She told him that what he said obviously hurt me a lot. Well he got off the phone with her and he immediately came to see me and apologized to me!! He doesn't apologize very often at all. and I've told him how upset he makes me but he didn't 'get it' until he heard it from his sister...wild! actually made me cry....although, it doesn't take much these days. hehe but it was so nice to hear....maybe he's finally getting it! :D I think I`ll be asking his sister for some advice the next time he has an outburst...she knows him better than anyone and has told me to call her anytime if I need to talk. she knows he can be a handful..lol. maybe that`s what your hubby needs too...someone, maybe a family member or friend to talk to him about it so he`s not just hearing it from you. I wonder if his Dad ever sees him like that...maybe he could talk to him

My hubby surprised me last night. He talked to his sister in Ontario and told her about him getting mad at me and calling me names. She told him that he needs to realize that not everyone is used to the way they act when they're upset. She told him that what he said obviously hurt me a lot. Well he got off the phone with her and he immediately came to see me and apologized to me!! He doesn't apologize very often at all. and I've told him how upset he makes me but he didn't 'get it' until he heard it from his sister...wild! actually made me cry....although, it doesn't take much these days. hehe but it was so nice to hear....maybe he's finally getting it! :D I think I`ll be asking his sister for some advice the next time he has an outburst...she knows him better than anyone and has told me to call her anytime if I need to talk. she knows he can be a handful..lol. maybe that`s what your hubby needs too...someone, maybe a family member or friend to talk to him about it so he`s not just hearing it from you. I wonder if his Dad ever sees him like that...maybe he could talk to him

So glad to hear that! Hopefully a real breakthrough for him! And hopefully he doesn't have short term memory =P Yep my DH's father has seen him like that, it's where he learned it. And his dad is amazing now like I said before so he can always talk sence into him. I'm just afraid to let go of my pride and tell his father we're having issues... but might just be worth it to speak out!

So glad to hear that! Hopefully a real breakthrough for him! And hopefully he doesn't have short term memory =P Yep my DH's father has seen him like that, it's where he learned it. And his dad is amazing now like I said before so he can always talk sence into him. I'm just afraid to let go of my pride and tell his father we're having issues... but might just be worth it to speak out!

He sounds like a great guy w/ an anger management problem. The time to discuss this with him is NOT when he is angry. When he is angry, leave him alone. Give him space. Men don't like to talk about feelings when angry. They like to close off. Women like to talk and discuss until resolution happens. When he is CALM, rationally talk to him about his anger problem. Explain that you have a lot of respect for him and love him, and that you want to create a great home for your child, and that you want to improve yourself in any way that is necessary, and that you'd like him to want to improve in how he handles angry feelings. He may be willing to go to anger management classes and that will probably solve the problem. Also, do NOT make things worse for him when he is feeling angry. Put space between you when that happens..take a time out... go into another room, drop the issue. That doesn't mean that you can't revisit the issue when he is feeling more calm.

Also, telling an angry person to calm down and breathe feels demeaning to them. Instead, go into another room and give him space and time until he develops better skills at managing his anger.

He sounds like a great guy w/ an anger management problem. The time to discuss this with him is NOT when he is angry. When he is angry, leave him alone. Give him space. Men don't like to talk about feelings when angry. They like to close off. Women like to talk and discuss until resolution happens. When he is CALM, rationally talk to him about his anger problem. Explain that you have a lot of respect for him and love him, and that you want to create a great home for your child, and that you want to improve yourself in any way that is necessary, and that you'd like him to want to improve in how he handles angry feelings. He may be willing to go to anger management classes and that will probably solve the problem. Also, do NOT make things worse for him when he is feeling angry. Put space between you when that happens..take a time out... go into another room, drop the issue. That doesn't mean that you can't revisit the issue when he is feeling more calm.

Also, telling an angry person to calm down and breathe feels demeaning to them. Instead, go into another room and give him space and time until he develops better skills at managing his anger.

but try not to chase him and make him feel better.. if he behaves like a toddler, treat him like one.

look him in the face and say to him "you are being a bully. you don't scare me, but is this how you intend on behaving in front of our children?" and leave the house. he'll soon realise his little temper tantrums will not get him anywhere...

my husband can be like this sometimes too.. jsut fly off the handle and scream and swear for no reason.. We were in the car one day and i looked at him cussing and ranting, and i said "you do NOT get to talk to me like this. you're being an a- hole" and i got out of the car (only because we were close to home) and left him there.

Now i KNEW he would leave me there, becasue he's so damned righteous when he gets like that, but i didn't talk to him for about 6 hours once i got home. Even though he was trying to bait me into an argument. When he got really nasty, i DID say "the only thing i want to hear from you right now is an apology" and then had to fight myself to keep quiet because he tried to bully again.

well 2 hours after that he did apologise, and i made him tell me WHY he was apologising (so i would know he wasn't saying sorry to be let off the hook and after that he has gotten much better about thinking before he speaks.

when he came to me in that frame of mind, i told him i loved him so much, but he had to understand that i'm not his mom, and i do not HAVE to be there. a marriage is about respect and love, not about getting your own way and tantrums.

i told him that i KNOW that i can raise my child without him, so he shouldn't think for one second that i will not walk away. I deserve to be treated right, and my children deserve a loving home. not one where daddy is cussing and they grow up thinking that it's ok to yell at women or to be yelled at by men.

Hope it help[s

S

tell his dad... or his mom... they made him like that.

but try not to chase him and make him feel better.. if he behaves like a toddler, treat him like one.

look him in the face and say to him "you are being a bully. you don't scare me, but is this how you intend on behaving in front of our children?" and leave the house. he'll soon realise his little temper tantrums will not get him anywhere...

my husband can be like this sometimes too.. jsut fly off the handle and scream and swear for no reason.. We were in the car one day and i looked at him cussing and ranting, and i said "you do NOT get to talk to me like this. you're being an a- hole" and i got out of the car (only because we were close to home) and left him there.

Now i KNEW he would leave me there, becasue he's so damned righteous when he gets like that, but i didn't talk to him for about 6 hours once i got home. Even though he was trying to bait me into an argument. When he got really nasty, i DID say "the only thing i want to hear from you right now is an apology" and then had to fight myself to keep quiet because he tried to bully again.

well 2 hours after that he did apologise, and i made him tell me WHY he was apologising (so i would know he wasn't saying sorry to be let off the hook and after that he has gotten much better about thinking before he speaks.

when he came to me in that frame of mind, i told him i loved him so much, but he had to understand that i'm not his mom, and i do not HAVE to be there. a marriage is about respect and love, not about getting your own way and tantrums.

i told him that i KNOW that i can raise my child without him, so he shouldn't think for one second that i will not walk away. I deserve to be treated right, and my children deserve a loving home. not one where daddy is cussing and they grow up thinking that it's ok to yell at women or to be yelled at by men.

Boy can I relate. I don't know how they figure that it's alright to yell and scream at people like that. I basically had to tell my hubby that he either we go to counselling to deal with his anger or I'm done with the relationship. It took a couple of days but now that he knows I'm totally serious, he's agreed to do it. He just doesn't understand that not everyone fights like that and most people find it incredibly disrespectful and scary. So I guess I'm not one to really give you advice. I hope it works out for you!

Tracie

Boy can I relate. I don't know how they figure that it's alright to yell and scream at people like that. I basically had to tell my hubby that he either we go to counselling to deal with his anger or I'm done with the relationship. It took a couple of days but now that he knows I'm totally serious, he's agreed to do it. He just doesn't understand that not everyone fights like that and most people find it incredibly disrespectful and scary. So I guess I'm not one to really give you advice. I hope it works out for you!

yah he had another episode the other morning because i didn't hug him. Ah hello I just got off a 10 hour shift (work nights) and felt like total poo. Tired, sick and just annoyed! So I had to use the bathroom and he couldn't understand me telling to hold on before my bladder burst. And he flew into a rage and actually left this time. Thank you Jesus! When he came back I was sleeping. That's how happy I was that he was gone. Anyways he woke me up asked me what I wanted, to be with him or not. And I told him, sometimes. Which is truthful. And that when he acts like that it little by little takes the love away. And if he doesn't get help I'm out the door because I'm not his mother and am not forced to stick around. And as much as I don't want to come home from the hospital by myself I WILL! He cried! WTF?! And has been a baby doll again. We'll see....

yah he had another episode the other morning because i didn't hug him. Ah hello I just got off a 10 hour shift (work nights) and felt like total poo. Tired, sick and just annoyed! So I had to use the bathroom and he couldn't understand me telling to hold on before my bladder burst. And he flew into a rage and actually left this time. Thank you Jesus! When he came back I was sleeping. That's how happy I was that he was gone. Anyways he woke me up asked me what I wanted, to be with him or not. And I told him, sometimes. Which is truthful. And that when he acts like that it little by little takes the love away. And if he doesn't get help I'm out the door because I'm not his mother and am not forced to stick around. And as much as I don't want to come home from the hospital by myself I WILL! He cried! WTF?! And has been a baby doll again. We'll see....

Yea DH doesn't get that not everyone fights that way either. Because that's how he grew up. He has agreed to concouling to but like I said.... don't know because of the job if it's going to become a reality.... If you go, can you please let me know what happens and what becomes of it? I am so beside myself...

Yea DH doesn't get that not everyone fights that way either. Because that's how he grew up. He has agreed to concouling to but like I said.... don't know because of the job if it's going to become a reality.... If you go, can you please let me know what happens and what becomes of it? I am so beside myself...

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