What’s It About:The second gothic horror entry from Andy Warhol and Paul Morrissey, again starring Udo Kier as the titular Count and Joe Dellesandro, the Brooklyn-accented boy-toy from Flesh For Frankenstein. It again pushes the boundaries of good taste and decency, something even Vlad the Impaler would probably find offensive.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

To really set the tone, we watch Dracula put on makeup during the opening credits while light classical music plays. Real scary stuff kids!

The count needs “wirgin” blood or he will perish.

Apparently Italy is chock full of wirgins! The count has zero issues with this plan to leave his Romanian castle to go to Italy. Because like his confidante states Italy is full of wirgins and the count is too well known here to feed on the townsfolk.

No way are the Italians will suspect anything with the count’s coffin on top of his car.

Also this Dracula can go out in the sunlight. Not that I have a problem with that but why does he have an earthly crypt in his basement and sleep in a coffin then?

Two of the three girls working the field feel that being topless while doing the gardening is comfortable. When did this become a Tinto Brass movie?

The count complains that this Italian cafe doesn’t have “wirgin meat” to eat. Well Dracula must be in the wrong part of Italy.

“I’m sure they’re religious, they have a very nice house.” Huh? Does the Pope live there?

So this movie has a Dracula traveling to Italy for a wirgin. Most Dracula movies have the count buying an estate to travel to and live in because he’s rich and powerful. Him lodging in a poor rural inn really diminishes the appeal of Dracula, ya know?

Again, Dracula is complaining about food. Is he Dracula or Julia Child? Hearing Dracula request cheese and being told that he finished it last night is both boring and not great horror. I love how Udo Kier pronounces grapes. Sounds like rapes.

Now Dracula’s having a seizure of some sort. It’s not fully explained why. I guess because he is totally lacking wirgin blood. Man, this is one sad-sack Dracula.

The old man is played by Vittorio de Sica, famed director of The Bicycle Thieves. How’d he get roped in this silly horror movie?

The Marquis likes the name Dracula because it has three syllables. That’s what he said.

Roman Polanski cameo. Wish he was playing Dracula’s confidante. Is this movie trying to be “artsy” or high class by having two famed directors have roles?

Polanski challenges Anton in a game where they have to mirror or mimic what the other is doing. It’s as stupid as it sounds.

If Dracula needs wirgin blood can’t he just attack some young kids? Or even some men? Why does he need to find a wirgin woman to marry? This plot seems extraneous just to heal Dracula. The only reason he’s in Italy is because Anton thinks they have a lot of wirgins because of its high Catholic population. But I’m willing to bet that most girls under the age of 16 are already wirgins anywhere. Does it really need to be a older wirgin? This is just so dumb.

These are not the wirgins you’re looking for.

Again we have Joe Dellasandro playing a lowly servant and boy toy named Mario; basically the same exact character as Nicholas from Flesh For Frankenstein with the same New Yawk accent. He doesn’t even try to act with an accent. It’s so disjointed in a picture like this. Everyone else in this film has a European accent except him.

“I’d like to rape the hell out of her!” Mario certainly has a way for words.

Incest again? Morrissey really has an incest fetish.

If it only takes two men to carry a coffin up a few flights of stairs than the coffin must be empty and Mario must realize this. He’s supposed to be under the impression that there’s a corpse in there.

Dracula gets violently ill from non-wirgin blood. He vomits the blood for over 2 minutes of screen time in the bath tub. A couple of heaves from the distance would’ve sufficed.

OK we get it. Mario’s a commie pinko. Does he have to bring it up mid-coitus? Dope.

“I’m perfectly capable to walk!” Then why does he need a wheelchair and Mario to wheel him to the stairs?!

A way less sissy Dracula would’ve bit 7 wirgins by now. Kier’s count is one weak and handicapped vampire.

Why is the count and one of the daughters chatting in the restroom?

Another scene of the count biting a non-wirgin and throwing up the blood again. I know this is essentially a comedy but c’mon.

“The blood of these whores is killing me!” Best Dracula quote ever.

There’s a scene where Dracula is casually chatting with the eldest daughter about the estate’s desperation and lack of good furniture. Why would Dracula give this much of a shit about that?

I know my knowledge of the female anatomy is limited but how exactly would one know if a lady is a wirgin just by casually touching her lady parts?

The count’s buddies told him to stop drinking after the 6th wirgin.

Moments earlier Mario opened up Dracula’s coffin and found nothing. Now he’s explaining the whole back story and motivation of Dracula to the youngest daughter. Maybe there was a vampire manual in the coffin?

“Why don’t you lose that virginity of yours?” Mario’s plan makes perfect sense actually. If he deflowers her, she is no longer useful to Dracula. He’s a good guy! Doing her a great service! FYI, she’s supposed to be 14 years old in this film.

Dracula is now on the floor licking the wirgin daughter’s blood from when her hymen broke. Incredible.

The la Marchese has a gun drawn on Anton yet she still gets surprisingly stabbed by him when he pulls out a small switchblade. Women.

Now Mario is chasing the count around the estate with an ax and has chopped off the count’s arms. The first one was a lucky swing but the second arm was on purpose. Why not the skull or chest?

And now his legs! Mario’s just having some fun now. It’s like the unfunny version of Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

The eldest daughter comes to Dracula’s rescue. Moments earlier she was bit by Dracula. But wouldn’t that finally make Dracula stronger since she was still a wirgin too? Instead the count runs like a coward when chased by Mario. What a pussy vampire.

I can’t wait for Andy Warhol’s Fleas For Wolfman and Wraps For Mummy. Or Fish For Gill-man!

Is It Actually Scary:Not at all. This is probably the least scary Dracula movie that isn’t a strict comedy. Warhol’s Frankenstein at least had some attempt to be scary or gory but this movie is dull in that department. Way more funny than scary.

How Much Gore:Like Warhol’s Frankenstein version it has lots of blood. Less guts, which is understandable since this is Dracula but there’s gore galore.

I though that wirgin smelled funny. But it was only a day after expiration too!

Best Scene:Not such an easy question for this film. It’s way more dialogue heavy than the Frankenstein movie and so not too many memorable scenes. Again, I’d have to go with Dracula’s fight flight from Mario and having his limbs chopped off and the well-done staking with the eldest daughter. The whole movie is dull and this scene win;t much better either.

Worst Scene:Like I mentioned the movie is basically a dull fest for a vampire/Dracula movie and it teeters on the fence between great schlock and different take on the tired count Dracula story. I struggled with coming up with a good Best Scene and I can equally struggle with a Worst Scene. I suppose it would be the Roman Polanski scene with Anton playing that childish game of mimicry. It was totally unnecessary and made Anton more of a central figure in a movie supposed to be devoted to Dracula. Dracula is basically third-billed in this film.

Hey Drac, I have to ax you a few questions!

Any Nudity:I think less than the Frankenstein version but still a lot. And full frontal as well. A couple of boring sex scenes with humping Dellesandro ass.

Overall:Not even close as great as the satirical Frankenstein, Morrissey dropped the ball on the Count. He was the sissiest, most whiny and weak Dracula ever portrayed on screen. From the first moments we see him, he’s applying make-up to his pale and life-less face, totally emasculating the Count. throughout the whole film he whines and complains to Anton and the Italian family. He has massive seizures and is refused to leave his room because he’s so sickly. He basically has nothing to do in this film. We have not one but two scenes of him vomiting the non-wirgin blood making him even more pathetic. It was getting really sad and depressing to see such a great villain be such a weakling. And then the conclusion is of him running like a bitch through the estate, not defending himself at all. If he did, in fact, drink wirgin blood he should’ve had his strength up enough to at least defend himself somehow. But sadly, we get this pathetic excuse of a vampire. I understand that it was a new take for the Count and I appreciate what the filmmakers were trying to accomplish but it didn’t make for a very interesting or memorable horror film. I would only recommend Flesh For Frankenstein to be honest. Both poke fun and parody the two famous gothic tales but Dracula wasn’t as well written or fleshed out.