Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Do you ever have recurring dreams? At least twice a year I have a dream that I'm back in college. Sometimes it's to get an MBA but usually it was discovered that there was a mistake and that I really had to take a few extra classes. But I go back at my current age.

The other night I had the dream and I was put in with a Freshman. And he was a slob. Papers all over the floor. Video game wires. And he had an ugly girlfriend that was always there. My problem was do I just suck it up or do I tell him, "We need some rules around here." But I was afraid then everyone on the floor would be like, "The old dude is trying to make rules. What an asshole."

And is anyone else good at waking up from a dream then going back to sleep and picking up where it left off? I'm getting better with that.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Look at the the dude six seconds in when he realizes he doesn't know how to use a Q-tip. I love these commercials for the stupid products where they show people doing regular tasks but the makers of the commercials try and make it as though the task is so impossible or hard. Like a woman struggling over the hassle of peeling hard boiled eggs*.

Now look at the same dude at 15 seconds in and the satisfaction and joy he has using the WaxVac.Yeah OK buddy.

The thing that is really making me gag though is when they show a cartoon illustration of a Q-tip going into the ear. Oh my God I don't know why that's making me ill.

So did any of you guys buy it? Come on. Don't lie.

The only design modification I would have made would be to make it so when you have a WaxVac gun full of ear wax you could flip a switch and use it as a gun. Shooting globs of ear wax on your enemies. Am I right? Hmmmm? Right?

*OK look at this retard 2 seconds in and the struggle she has peeling hard boiled eggs:

Friday, March 22, 2013

Here you go. A little Donny and Marie Show action for you. And if you ask me, Marie still looks hot. Except I don't like her with the short hair here. Also, check out Milton Berle and Paul Lynde.

And you may remember that I mentioned a long time ago that I can do an imitation of Michael Landon's face when he cries? Remember? Well I just remembered after watching this that I can also do an imitation of Milton Berle's face when he does this goofy ass expression. But I haven't done it in years so don't ask me to do it for you.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Nothing like a night of drinking then being starved and scarfing down food. But then of course you have to wake up in the middle of the night feeling like hell. The worst is seeing a bag of Burger King and being all, "I ate THAT last night??"

The thing that I used to eat all the time back in the day that people found really weird was instant mashed potatoes. Take a look....

Of course that picture is missing the huge slab of butter in the middle. And the people that thought it was weird to eat them quickly change their minds after they saw a steaming plate of mashers. NOW who's the idiot for having a box of Hungry Jack in his car? Hmmm? Hmmm? I prefer making homemade but who has time for the that when you're drinking? What am I gonna do? Carry around a bag of potatoes and a peeler? Puuu-LEASE!

And on the subject of being drunk and eating food here's a post that I wrote that is probably the hardest I've laughed in my life. I'm not kidding. Click HERE to read it.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Girl in Theater (to boyfriend): Why does that guy keep laughing? This trailer isn't even a comedy??

That's that happened when I watched the Fast and Furious 6 trailer. OK I'm lying. No girl was talking to her boyfriend. That I could hear. But I was laughing. Hard. Laughing at every Vin Diesel line and expression. I can't wait to see this just to see him. It's almost like he's doing a parody of someone in an action film.

You have to check it out. Here you go. I defy you not to laugh. Go ahead. Give it a try:

Sunday, March 17, 2013

ALERT:: Our civilization will end in 7...6....5....4.....3...... Above is a picture of what my daughter ordered at PJ Whelinhan's sports bar in Downingtown yesterday. "Loaded Tater Tots."

I know it's a sports bar and at sports bars they serve bar food but something about this disturbs me. Look at the picture. Pretty appetizing huh? *gag*

We went there after going to the movies by the way. And speaking of movies the movie The Call is pretty entertaining but the Steve Carrell movie Bert Wonderstone is so bad and unfunny I'm shocked they released it. If I ever see it on TV while flipping channels someday I won't even pause for a second. That's how bad it was. Even people in the theater weren't laughing. And that's bad because there are always people in theaters at comedies that laugh extra loud just to get attention. I hate those idiots.

All I kept thinking while watching it was how uncomfortable the premiere must have been. And the actor's must have been sitting there thinking, "I can't believe I'm in this."

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

I totally forgot that I used to have a rabbit's foot in 2nd grade. And I used to wear it on my belt loop.And I used to believe that it gave me super powers. I also thought that pieces of fool's gold that I collected gave me powers*. So I tried to keep one of those in my pocket.

I haven't thought about my rabbit's foot in years until I last week when I saw the movie Dead Man Down and there was a rabbit's foot in it. Pretty good movie and I will say that Noomi Repace was great in it. Looking forward to her in more movies. She's not my total type but there's something about her I like. Maybe it's the darkness. Even though I'm not really into that either so who knows. Just a great actress. Here she is:

Here's her when she's dark:

And speaking of women in movies I saw the stupid Oz movie. Don't see it. But there's a chick at the beginning that I DO like. And it was killing me who she was. In case you didn't know I never forget a face. She played the naive Kansas girl at the beginning of the movie. And she was super sweet. Here she is...tell me if you recognize her:

Did you guess? It's Abigail Spencer. She was in the web series Burning Love. Now SHE'S my type. Classic good looks and smiley. If you haven't seen Burning Love check it out. It's a parody of The Bachelor. That reminds me. I need to check out season two of it that just came out. OK. I gotta go.

*If you want to see the other fashion accessory I had back in the day check out THIS post.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Playing it cool he casually waves back. He thinks, "Do I know her? Is she waving because she likes me? She probably wants me to ask her to dance. Meh. I don't feel like it."

Just then - from his side - he hears a woman say, "Hey!" and she waves to the woman across the bar. It turns out he wasn't being waved at from the first woman as he originally thought. She was just waving at her friend who had just walked into the bar.

He considers yelling, "I KNOW YOU WEREN'T WAVING AT ME! I WAS WAVING AT THE PERSON BEHIND YOU!" But realizes she's right up against the wall so it wouldn't make any sense.

He sits in shame.

And that man's name was......um...Vasco Da Gama*. Yeah. It wasn't me. It was Vasco Da Gama. The famous Portuguese explorer. You know...he sailed to India in the 16th century? Yeah. He did it. Not me. OK I have to go.

*And then - according to Wikipedia - Vasco tried to peek over at the two women to see if the one was saying, "Can you believe that fucking dude thought I was waving at him? What an asshole."

There it is. The Bacon Blue Burger from PJ Whelihan's in Downingtown. I had it the other day and man was it deliiiish! I think I need to start eating more Gorgonzola. Gorgonzola is a blue cheese originally from Gorgonzola, Milan in case you didn't know. Created in 879 AD to be exact. Now you're prepared for Jeopardy.

I might have asked a similar question in a previous post but I forget so I'll ask it again. How do places like PJ Whelihan's - a sports bar known for it's hot bartenders and waitresses - turn down the homely chicks when they come in to interview? Like does they ask them all the usual interview questions but they know all along there's no way on God's green earth that she's getting a job there? I'm sure they have to. I remember that some dude a few years ago tried to sue Hooter's because they wouldn't hire him but I wonder if some ugly chick ever tried to sue for not being hot? Makes you wonder.

And I will say for the record that it's pretty pathetic seeing middle aged dude's getting all flustered when talking to a 21 year old bartender. I saw it when I was there. Pull yourself together man.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

As you know I see a lot of movies. And guess what my local theater (Downingtown Regal) has been showing? Indian movies!! We're talking Bollywood baby.

At first I was skeptical thinking I would be bored but they're great! In a cheesy way. Like that dude above? He's in the movie Dabanng 2. And it's NOT a comedy. Look at his proud stance. The stories are actually pretty good but the dudes in the movies are total macho cheeseballs. And the way they treat the ladies is pretty bad. All macho and shit. And the ladies like it. It's like they're in the 70's!

I just hope they keep playing them because whenever I go it's only me and a few other Indian people in the theater. One time this really old Indian lady - and I mean REALLY old - brought her own chair. I was all Huh???

OK so here's a little taste of one of the songs that they broke into during the movie. Let me know what you think.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Is it me or are more fatties riding The Rascal (aka motorized wheel chair thingy)?

I can see if you're old or if you were injured but if you're fat I think you should have a little bit of shame riding one. I don't see that many people riding them at supermarkets but I bet in a few years more and more people will. All it's gonna take is for a fatty to see a few other fatties ride one then all hell is gonna break loose. You wait. You heard it here first. Then fatties are going to insist that all stores have these things.

And on the subject of The Rascal and old people look at the old couple featured on The Rascal website:

Matching clothes? Really? I hope when I get old the advertising isn't as old peopley. And if I ever want to wear matching clothes with my spouse please kill me. Is that something that these couples evolve into when they get older? The only thing worse than this is when you see a couple and each one has their own Disney character that they wear. Like the woman is into Tinkerbell and the dude is into Grumpy. "You know Bob. He always has to wear his Grumpy. Me? I'm a Tinkerbell gal myself."

Attention Cardinals at the conclave preparing to vote for the next Pope. How about choosing one that wants to clean the church of child molesters? And bring them to justice. Because the last few Popes ignored this atrocity. But I'm sure you want to keep ignoring it.