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Monday, August 15, 2016

Frequently Asked Questions (for those new to the lifestyle)

I've put together some of the questions
Jason and I receive on a regular basis. Please note my response is
merely an opinion and by no means the expert opinion. I'm not changing the format of the blog, and will not be promoting any type of prescriptive D/s (ever). I'm merely trying to have a resource from one couple's perspective that may help others new to the lifestyle.

My next post will focus on another list of FAQ, but as we are going away on vacation, I won't be blogging again until early September. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So here are some questions I've been asked countless times by people new to the lifestyle:

Am I weird because I want this?

Not at all. The reasons we are drawn to
this lifestyle are many and varied. Based on my several years of
experience and observation, those who crave the D/s lifestyle in
whatever capacity tend to be educated, intelligent, capable people
who are drawn to this for a variety of reasons. Many of us find we
are healed by consenting to discipline; it fulfills a deep desire to
be loved, cared for, and protected. Most are erotically attracted to
the consensual exchange of power. But most of all, couples are drawn
to the intimacy, peace, and eroticism inherent in a lifestyle choice
like this that meets the needs of both partners. For further reading
on this topic, consider reading:

If she wants me to spank her, how
will that prevent her from misbehaving again?

This is a very logical, understandable
question. This question frequently frustrates submissives, because we
feel misunderstood. We know we want this, we know it will help us,
and we can't really explain why. So, please allow me to share from my
own personal experience.

I like being spanked by Jason, but I
don't actually enjoy the pain. I'm not a masochist, or at least if I
have any masochistic tendencies they're very mild. I enjoy the
submission. I enjoy his dominance over me. I do not wish to be
punished, and I avoid punishment. I do, however, love that he expects
my obedience. Many submissives I've been in touch with completely
agree. I don't really want him to punish me but I do like that he
holds me accountable.

The fact that he will spank me if I
need it makes me view him as a strong, sexy, authoritative leader in
our relationship. I feel important to him. I feel protected because
he is strong. I admire his sternness, and am attracted to his
authority. That said, I don't actually enjoy being spanked.

It hurts when he spanks me. I feel
sorry for having earned a spanking. However, the sadness typically
occurs because I'm wired to want to obey him and please him. The
spanking he gives me cleanses me, helps me let go of my guilt, makes
me feel calmer and at peace.

A spanking for naughty behavior can, in
my observation, cause submissives in certain circumstances to
misbehave. First, when a submissive is a hardcore masochist, she's
sexually attracted to the actual pain (as opposed to the dominance).
So she may act out to experience more pain. That is pretty rare,
though, and more common in BDSM scenes than in a D/s lifestyle.
Second, because being disciplined makes us feel centered, important,
and loved, if a good deal of time lapses between spankings,
submissives are sometimes tempted to misbehave, because we enjoy that
feeling of being loved and we crave that erotic, intimate connection.
I myself struggle with this from time to time. The way we avoid that
is by communicating openly about my needs, and Jason gives me regular
role-affirmation or “maintenance” spanking.

Why not? For those of us wired this
way, it's incredibly sexy. We love submitting to a strong dominant.
It turns us on to be overpowered. This is natural. It sets my heart
to pounding to hear Jason threaten me with a spanking (even if I feel
a bit of fear). It is the norm to be erotically attracted to
dominance and submission. Why do so many romance novels show the
swaggering, uber alpha male? Women are attracted to this. To be
blunt, some of my fantasies involve being very much overpowered by
Jason (I'm talking about the kind of spanking I wouldn't really want
in real life) simply because it's erotically attractive to me to
experience that loss of control with someone I love. From his
perspective, though he dislikes punishing me, he can't help but be
aroused when I submit to him. Bared to him, over his knee, accepting
his discipline, it all turns him on. This is normal, and natural.
It's partly why this works so well. The trust necessary to enact this
type of dynamic brings a couple closer together; the erotic appeal of
it enhances their relationship.

Communicate, communicate,
communicate, then communicate some more. Submissives, I'd urge you to
communicate your own needs in a forthright manner, not drawing on
“how everyone else does this.” Tell him why you want
this. Dominants, I'd urge you to listen. Try not to make rash
judgments, and truly listen. This has likely taken a lot of courage
on the part of your wife/girlfriend/submissive to bring this to you.
Please listen.

After
that, I'd suggest starting small. If you've never engaged in any type
of spanking together, consider a bit of erotic spanking play. This
can help you both get used to it, how it feels, whether or not to use
an implement, if it's awkward, what pain tolerances are, whether or
not the dominant is comfortable administering a spanking. Play around
with erotic and/or stress relief spankings first, before adding any
rules. Take your time. Talk, talk, talk. If you're so inclined, do
some research. If you do decide disciplinary spanking is something
you are willing to try, start with something that is important to you
and start small. It can be discouraging to have a laundry list of
rules and frequent punishments. Ease into this. Never stop talking.
Communicate before and after every discipline session. Understand
that it takes a great deal of time to establish roles, and an even
longer time to understand how your personal brand of D/s or DD will
work for both of you. Be willing to compromise. Submissives, focus on
your own submission, rather than his dominance (or lack thereof).
Dominants, please pay attention to your submissive. She trusts you.

This is neither here nor there. Some
couples have a contract and are glad they did. If you're looking to
have a legal document showing you consent, it isn't legally binding
in some states, so not really worth it. I trust Jason and we found a
contract unnecessary. Our dynamic naturally evolved for us. Some
people like having them, though, as a sort of “real” step
indicating a lifestyle change.

Is bootcamp a worthwhile endeavor?

For some people, yes, for some people,
no. Some find that they need to figure out how to do things, and a
focus on an intense training time is worthwhile. Jason and I don't
really feel that way. We came to this naturally and it was an
evolution of sorts. There have been times, though, when he spent a
little time focusing harder on certain behaviors than normally – a
time of training, so to speak. If you're interested in bootcamp, I'd
give two pieces of advice. First, start small (maybe a day). Better
to start small and go longer after than bite off more than you can
chew, and discourage one another. Second, there are various
suggestions out there. No one, no one,
is an expert in this. We all simply have our own opinions. Please
don't feel you have to follow any one prescriptive method of bootcamp
(or anything, for that matter).

He will spank me, but not hard
enough. How can I get him to understand I need a real spanking?

This is so very common. Occasionally, a
dominant partner comes raring to go right out of the gate, but that's
pretty rare (and not always very effective).

Those who desire a lifestyle
incorporating consensual discipline really need to feel that this is
serious. Otherwise, it's like craving to be kissed by someone you
love who just pecks you on the cheek and moves on, or going to the
gym for a hard run only to end up doing a leisurely walk around the
track. Many of us want to be disciplined, because we are attracted to
the love and attention of a partner in authority over us. So if we
feel innately we've done something worthy of punishment, and we get a
small spanking that isn't really punitive, it leaves us feeling
unsettled, confused, even angry.

Dominants – my suggestion would be to
spank thoroughly, but not necessarily harshly. When many submissives
experience the let-down of a weak spanking when they feel (or even
crave) a harder one they really feel, dominants frequently respond by
spanking really harder, rapidly. Instead, consider a good spanking
that lasts a bit longer. The purpose is to help the submissive
partner consider their actions, and make the decision to behave
better going forward. So, try taking her over your lap, and instead
of spanking harder, spank longer. Give her the time to really let the
punitive effect of the spanking sink in. Lecturing during this is
typically effective. Jason will say things like, “Have I made my
point, young lady?” (Swoon! Seriously!)

This is why communicating is so very
effective.

Submissives – if you're in this
position, please remember to focus on obeying. That's why you're in
this, right? If he only gives you a few swats when you feel you
deserve the spanking of your life, take what he gives you. Submit to
that, and try to do better. Consider that he is being merciful. You
will not always get the spanking you want. That's not what this is
about. This is about submitting, learning to obey, and improving your
relationship.

Like many guys my age, I was steeped in a home suffused with the mores of the sexual revolution and the women's liberation movement of the 70's, and early 80's. Every message I heard about women told me that they were just as good as men, could do anything men could do and even better, and you MUST NEVER HIT A WOMAN, EVER! You also must NEVER TELL A WOMAN WHAT TO DO, OR CONTROL HER IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM, or you are an ABUSER!!!

Cultures are pretty much defined by what they consider taboo, and the culture we grow up in largely forms the way we see the world and treat others. But cultural messages can also be out of whack with who we are as human beings. I think to a large extent, men in the west have been emasculated by western culture, all in the name of doing something just, namely, giving women the respect and dignity they deserve as human beings. Nevertheless, as humans are wont to do, we've gone a bit too far in our drive to free women, and have somewhat imprisoned men, and made true masculinity taboo.

Now, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that something is awry between women and men nowadays. Women read all kinds of trashy romance literature and fantasize about being swept away by a man who dominates her completely – someone who not only is a great lay, but also protects her, provides for her, and leads her through life's hardships and joys; but these same women go out to work, or with friends and completely trash all of the men in their lives. Why is that? I'll tell you why: Genetics.

I don't think women would behave this way if the men in their lives gave them what hundreds of thousands of years of evolution has programmed them to want – an alpha male. From where I sit, most men (myself included until just recently), act like juvenile members of a pack; they hang out around the edges of life, get laid when and where they can and then move on. Our culture tells us that's what we (men) are, and how we should behave, so that's what we do. We don't step up, we don't take control of the pack, so to speak, and look out for our mates and our offspring; alpha males do this by nature. Men and women are animals, too; thus, it stands to reason that being an alpha male isn't just about 'getting some', (it is that), but it's that AND providing for and protecting those they lead. As long as men refuse to provide, protect AND lead, they will never satisfy that deepest of longings that mother nature has programmed right into the DNA of every woman on this planet.

So my friend, how do you stop feeling like a jerk, like you are controlling her, how do you get over it? Get over your weak-ass self, that's how. Stop acting like a juvenile, stop believing that what our culture tells you about yourself is true (it's not and deep down you know it) and act like a man, an alpha man. Love your women, protect her, provide for her in the ways you can; but most of all, lead her. It takes courage, it takes strength, it takes a man. It won't happen overnight, it won't be easy but as long as you keep trying it will happen.

D/s, or dominance and submission, is a
lifestyle choice in which the Dominant partner is given consensual
authority in the relationship. This is very often roles-based
(focusing on dominance and submission) rather than rules-based
(focusing on enforcing rules).

DD is also a lifestyle choice in which
one partner is given consensual authority in the relationship, but
focused more heavily on rules-based rather than roles-based.

BDSM is a lifestyle choice often
focused on the erotic exchange of power, rather than the consensual
imbalance of authority. Role playing is not uncommon. BDSM stands for
bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism.

Though none of the terms are
synonymous, there are no hard and fast lines that separate any
lifestyle choice. Some couples are DD with a mild D/s influence, some
D/s with BDSM tendencies, some BDSM couples favor a touch of DD. To
each his or her own.

12 comments:

Hello J Girl! A few weeks ago i stumbeld over your Blog and i read and read and read... ALL posts. Finished in this minute and I don't know what to say, just awesome! Thank you so much for this, hugs Bibi

Great post!! Congratulations on your 200th one. All very well written and very helpful. Thank you for your honesty and manner in which you present your information. I always look forward to what you will next share..

Personally, I was not, since my youngest child is school age and we didn't begin spanking until after she was born. But there was a time when I thought I was pregnant, so I researched this. I'll share what I came up with.

There is no research whatsoever to indicate that reasonable spanking during pregnancy is in any way detrimental to the mom or baby. In fact, quite the opposite. The "feel good" hormones that are generated during or after a spanking are actually quite beneficial.

Now, by reasonable spanking, I mean a smaller one, with an implement with minimal impact, and measures would need to be taken to make sure the mother was comfortable. An over-the-knee spanking with a paddle, or severe spanking, or heavy BDSM play would not be wise. Over the bed with pillows for support with a cane or something similar (like the acrylic tilt wand Jason and I favor) would have minimal impact.

I even know of several woman who have gotten pregnant and were bold enough to ask their OB/GYNs for advice regarding spanking. Each time, they were told they were perfectly fine to engage in reasonable spanking (as I've described) throughout the entire pregnancy.

That said, it's a highly individual decision. For someone who has a high risk pregnancy or a low pain tolerance, it may be advisable to simply abstain from spanking for the duration of the pregnancy. Perhaps alternative methods of discipline (like lines, or corner time) would work.

I do know of several couples who did abstain from spanking during pregnancy, and it was a very, very difficult decision. When it's part of how you relate and connect, abstaining from spanking can really cause a disconnect.

So given that the medical professionals who deal with pregnancy have advised that reasonable spanking during pregnancy is safe, and given that I know I could trust Jason to be reasonable, adding in the reality that we relate this way and would both really miss spanking, as well as the fact that experienced lifestylers I trust have explained how the hormones after a spanking can be beneficial, if it were up to me and Jason, we would not alter our lifetsyle very much at all if I were pregnant.

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Please note:

This is a blog containing adult content. The topics addressed are Dominance and Submission, which include Domestic Discipline and spanking. We are a married D/S couple, exploring how an all-encompassing dynamic of Dominance and Submission bring us peace and intimacy. If such subjects offend you, please do not read. If these are subjects of interest to you, welcome.

We support "safe, sane, consensual" D/S dynamics. Please use caution when engaging in bdsm and D/S activities. I urge all readers to read my cautionary post HERE before reading other posts.