A Room of One’s Own

As most of us have figured out by now, sex in weird places is almost inevitable for those of us who have chosen the hoe life. A lot of times, it's out of necessity. Maybe your roommate insists that they need to do homework on a Saturday night; maybe your dorm is just too far away for you and your horny self to make the trek. Every place on campus has probably seen it all.

I know for a fact that the study rooms are a popular spot for 2 a.m. hookups, and that the Scripps College living rooms, Pomona College art building, and Greek Theatre have had their fair shares of action, too. The library has a certain novelty to it, and nothing can beat the romantic quickie behind a shady building as well. But, perhaps the strangest of all can be the very places we call our own.

I have been in my fair share of dorm rooms over the past few years, most of which have belonged to men. There's usually the standard messy desk next to the bed with dark sheets and half-black, half-grey blanket from Target, but every once in a while, life throws you for a curveball. What about when you walk into someone's room and realize that the walls are bare except for a single Expendables 2 poster? A wall with a mural of their own selfies? A very large, framed copy of not only The Constitution, but also the Bill of Rights?

Those are all true stories, real rooms that I have been in. I personally want my room to portray who I am, so I can't help but wonder what the thought processes behind these rooms were. Here is some more imagined room decor that would make you deeply consider aborting your mission:

– Their taxidermied pet cat, complete with collar reading “R.I.P. Fredrick Douglas, May 21, 2008.”
– A printed out copy of your Facebook profile picture peeking out from underneath their pillow. You see the corner, drag it out enough to recognize your face, then decide to slide it back under and convince yourself you saw nothing.
– A gallon-sized bottle of lube. Are they very active, or just very prepared? With others, or just themselves? Where does one even obtain such a large quantity of lube?
– Iggy Azealia's entire discography on vinyl.
– A floor-to-wall painting of Queen Elizabeth II. You make eye contact with each thrust.
– Cutouts from the men's athletic wear section of a Sears catalogue taped to their ceiling. You wonder if anyone still orders things from catalogues.
– Nothing. No mattress, no desk, nothing.
– Three hangers in the closet with the same graphic tee positioned neatly on each hanger. Ironed, maybe steamed.
– Their mother, sleeping quietly on their futon.
– A labeled toothbrush for every day of the week. At least you know they have good oral hygiene?
– A very large safe in the dead center of the room. Every 20 minutes you hear a faint rattling from inside.
– A roommate who refuses to leave and instead sits on their bed staring straight ahead as you shrug your shoulders and proceed to do the nasty because you know what, that's something that's gotta be settled between roommates and who are you to intervene?
– Framed photos of all of their professors for that semester. You wonder if it changes every semester.
– No toilet paper in the bathroom, even on your fifth trip to their dorm. You really, really don't want to think about it.