(Closed) No More Playing House?

Hello Bees, I am been reading posts on here a few weeks now out of my own frustration and have found solace in your stories mixed with frustration, devotion and love. My boyfriend and I first met and began dating when he was a sophmore and I a freshman in colllege. We dated a total of 4.5 before we moved on (I was the one to break up with him-I felt our paths were going in different directions and it was a friendly break-up). At then end of my sophmore year, I transfered from the college we were both attending in Virgina to Georgia. A few months later, he picked up and followed me to Georgia so we could be closer. He was still 4 hours away attending school in Savannah while I was in Athens but we were able to maintain our relationship though long-distance for another two years. After breaking up we both moved on with our lives and careers and engaged in new relationships. Skip 10 years forward…. I had been casually dating for about a year after a bad realtionship with my son’s father and he was ending a relationship that was like oil and water. He had come to my mind one day and I looked him up on Facebook just to say hi. He was online and we struck up a conversation that went on for days. Finally he called one night and we talked until the sun came up. It had been like this in college for us too, endless hours of conversation-always best friends. We talked for about 3 months and then became offical again and have been together since. However, once again he was in Virginia and I was in Georgia, so we carried on long-distance for 3 years. Then last July, he again made the move to Georgia to be closer to me, this time in the same city. His move to Georgia, however was more at my request than his initiative. He was dragging his feet in Virgina and I had told him that I would be moving forward with my life if we were not in the same zip code soon. I was unable to move to Virgina because my son’s father is very invovled in my son’s life and we share physical custody. Of note, my son’s father and I were never married.

Throughout our relationship, I made it know to my boyfriend that I wanted to eventually marry but I never felt rushed to do so and in fact have never been the type to obsess over getting married. My boyfriend’s move to Georgia improved our relationship (he says so himself as well). We both love being closer together and the last year has seen our realtionship blossom. This May we went on a summer trip together and when we came back he started saying things like “we can get married as soon as I feel financially stable”. Okay, great I thought. He also did other things too like made an appointment with his financial advisor for the both of us to discuss planning financially for our future and encourged me to start up my own portfolio. We also had discussions about a timeline. He told me last month that he felt we would be married, not engaged-within two years and noted that he would use his savings of about 25,000 to fund the wedding so money should not be an issue. I also said that I would save over the next two years and add 15,000 to the pot, so we could have a very nice wedding. Needless to say, something clicked in me and I got “wedding fever” like I never have before. I got so excited and yes, started looking at dresses and dreaming about venues and cakes.

However, it’s important to note that living in Georgia has not been easy on my boyfriend’s career-he’s struggled. He initially found a job and was let go due to downsizing and then later got another job and was let go just a few weeks ago. He is now searching again and I know this has been really hard on him, as he was doing well forhimself in Virginia. Since loosing his job he been different of course and we had another conversation last week in which he told me that he may have to move back to Virgina because he is more employable up there. This is true as he has a military background and top secret clearance which is not as valuable in Georgia. However, I felt hurt. I completely understood his logic, but felt scarred…all this and he was thinking of going away. Since everything hinged on him being more financially stable the timeline for our wedding also seemed even farther away. I talked to him about it, he said he would only go away for a little while to save money and would be back…he also said he wasn’t planning on leaving as a first choice only as a last option. He is continuing to look for employment in Georgia. So I gave him several senerios. If he found a job tomorrow, but got fired six months later would we still be married in 2 years. He took his time answering, rephrased the question several times, at first said he wasn’t sure and then finally in a lowered voice “yes, I guess so”. But I found it hard to believe him.

Here’s my thing bees, I understand a man’s need to be financially stable. I really do and quite frankly I think it’s the best way to start off a marriage. But we have dated so much and been together sooooo long, a total of 9.5 years in all…does it really matter anymore??? I feel like we should stick to the timeline no mater what because at that point if he proposes next year we we be five years in (recent dating) and married six years in. Needless to stay I started to obess and go a little crazy, like us women do. I just felt so trapped, with no control over my life-all of it hinged on Georgia’s economy. Also I’m traditional and so is he and a good proposal from him is a must.

So two days ago, I told him “no more playing house” and I meant it. When I talked to him about it and he asked me what I meant, I told him you know doing the things that couples do who live together, like buying groceries, paying bills, household expenses…physical intimacy. He was really quiet for a while until I said, “please say something”. And then he said, “I’m not leaving you, I’m not going anywhere and if this is what you want then I’ll do it with you”.

Bees, I have to say those were the best words ever and truely he is a good man. I was just feeling so devalued and I realized that it was because I was playing wife when what I really want is to be a wife and have a husband not a live-in boyfriend. And I do have to say, I feel much better and calmer. All of the frustration and anxiety is for the most part gone. He took his stuff back to his place and we have been dating chastely for the past day and a half.

So bees, I’m just curious. What do you think? Am I being too hard on him? Has anyone ever done this and been successful?

I understand where you’re coming from. You’re at a point where you and your son need this… and stability matters.

What worries me about the situation is the career. I guess I’m in the same boat as your SO… I have to shift my career to stay here with him and his son, but I’m at peace with that decision. I’m not going anywhere. Now, it seems that you two have more than enough to have a wedding, so I don’t think that financial stability is a concern. If you two want a cushion for added expenses or future unexpected expenditures, I think you could scale down your wedding by about $10-15k and STILL have a very nice wedding.

Just make sure he’s at peace with his career choice… one thing that has always worried me is resentment. I would NEVER want to live my life with resentment, and it’s actually ended a lot of my relationships because I knew there was more life out there for me and more I needed to experience. It took over a year of our relationship to be at peace with a career change and realize I would resent myself for moving away for a career, but I would never resent these two boys for making me whole and loving me.

I quite agree with your decision and wish you luck sticking to it. If he has savings and intend to marry you then I see no reason he couldn’t propose now and if needs be (due to work situation) postpone the actual wedding a year. Also there comes a point where he needs to decide what is of more value, a better paying job or your home life together.

I don’t know what your SO does, but it sounds like he wants to be in a career field that’s restricted location wise. I understand. I’m in one too. It comes down to this: my Fiance can either follow me to a job, or he needs to be able to potentially support us on his own.

If he can’t hold a job, are you prepared to be the sole financial provider for you, him, and your son?

@ damarajade I worried about my boyfriend resenting his career move as well. Before my boyfriend moved to GA told him I needed to move forward after 3 years of dating long-distance, but also wanted him to do what was best for himself and I still feel that way. Also, I am okay with him going back to Virgina if he really needs to but a proposal would make me feel much better. I tried to tell him this before I told him I wanted to stop playing house, but I am not sure he really gets the sense of stability and committment that I desire. Like most men I think he feels things are good and he fels realtively comfortable-so why be in a rush to change anything. I’m happy to hear that it sounds like you have found peace with your career and realtionship.

@ sweetercheeks, thanks it is going to be hard-I admit, but I feel as if I go back or change my boyfriend would think I was at best being wishy washy or at worst playing with him. So, I am working on sticking to my word–but could use some advice in this area. I also agree that a ring right now would make me feel a lot better and I did indicate to him that I am completely okay with a long engagement. His parents went though a rough divorce when he was a kid, which does make him skitish about being married… so I am hoping that by no longer playing house with him he will begin to value and notice how much he enjoys all the little things–including intimacy that utilmately come with marriage. I say this because he has always loved fixing things around the house, helping with the car etc., and even commented on how much he loves to wake up next to me (which is no longer happening).

@ Apple_Blossom I hear you and yes, it worries me. I don’t want to go into a marriage without him being stable, but at the same time how long shall we wait? And what happens if we get married and he looses his job again. At some point, don’t you just say we are in this together?

I would also add that I am okay with him taking his time–now that we are no longer playing house. Somehow, I feel less resentful and waiting is made easier. I just felt so underappreciated. I also feel I need to tell him that I am not pushing for a quick proposal-even if if would be nice.

I normally am a strong advocate of don’t “wait” too long due to my personal experience but your situation sounds kind of different. This guy is obviously very into financial stability and planning and it sounds like has a genuine issue that is holding up the marriage. You can’t move and he can’t be financially stable where you live.

What is your ideal scenario here? Do you think he could find another line of work? Are you able to support the two of you if he can’t find work there? If he proposes and then moves to Virginia for work can you move to Virginia?

Thanks for your input Scarlett11. My son’s father is heavily involved in his life. Last year he moved so he could be closer to my son and now lives 10 minutes from us. He has attended every parent/teacher and IEP meeting my son has ever had, and comes to all his basketball and football games and consistently keeps him every weekend and drops him off at school on Monday mornings. He was a terrible boyfriend, but he is a good father. Likewise, my son loves his father and I can’t see myself taking such an important aspect of my son’s life from him just so I could improve my relationship. I truly love my son more.

As far as my SO’s career he was doing well in VA making around 80K per year. And in GA, I’m guesing, but I think his last jobs may have been around 40K-50K–a big reduction for him. He did graphic design for the government in VA and his military background was a plus. In GA, he can only count on his skills in graphic design and finds himself completing against a larger pool of more qualified applicants. He and I feel confident that he can land a J-O-B and make an income, but he doesn’t want to take any job considering his Bachelor’s degree, experience and qualifications. And I can understand him feeling that way.

Yes, I on the other hand can support us. I have my Master’s and I am working on a PhD and will soon be making a very nice income and already do well for myself as I work full-time and attend graduate school. However, as I mentioned earlier SO is traditional and he wants to be if not the beadwinner (he has given that idea up considering my upcoming PhD) but an equal financial partner. I am okay with whatever he chooses, but I do want him to be a contributer and I do want him to be happy. He has also spoken about going back to school to get his Master’s and I have encouraged him to do this.

So yes, the issue does remain that I not only cannot move–but will not move, and he feels that his earning potential is at a standstill in GA.

I do know of split families that have all picked up and moved to another state. For example, a friend of mine with two sons moved to Boulder, CO with her boyfriend at the time AND their father, even though the father was from their previous location in AZ. Is this something that your son’s father would ever consider? To move with all of you? It likely depends on his connection to where you’re at right now.

Damarajade: It’s so funny you should ask. Sometimes life gives you a dose of your own medicine. When my son’s father and I were together I ironically wanted to move to the VA/DC/MD area. George Washington University in D.C. had accepted me into their Master’s program and I really wanted to go. My son’s father also has a daughter whose mother lived about 4 hours away from us in southern GA. He would visit his daughter about once a month back then and refused to leave GA. At the time, I couldn’t understand why we couldn’t make the move, as his career would have also been improved by the move. The situation was a little different because he only saw his daughter once a month—but to answer NO, my son’s father is intent on staying in GA. His daughter is now 16, so there is a chance he’d move–but I think she will be attending college in GA.

Isn’t the cost of living much higher in VA though? So even if he’s making 50-60k in GA it probably isn’t as much different than the $80k in VA as it looks on paper? Does he really prefer the work he does up there? Or is it just the numbers and his attitude about it?