Q: MY husband and I have
been married for five years and we have two lovely children. My husband has
been acting strange lately; he comes home late, his phone is always with him
when he showers and he is not the affectionate man I know him to be. In short,
I suspect he is having an affair. While washing his shirts recently, I
discovered receipts for a perfume and flowers, but I never received such gifts.
I guess the lucky person is his girlfriend. I have spoken to some of my friends
about how to handle this situation and they tell me that all men cheat, so it’s
better to stay with my husband than to leave him and meet someone worse than
him. How do I confront my husband about having an affair and is it even worth
it? - SCORNED WIFE

A: WHEN someone you’ve
committed yourself to spending the rest of your life with changes on you and
you have suspicions of infidelity, it brings about feelings of doubt and
insecurity. Matters are far worse when you’ve given yourself whole-heartedly to
the relationship. Thoughts will flood your mind everytime he steps out of the door,
when you look at him, when you’re by yourself and everytime you do something
for him. You start to think of the depth of your commitment, the time and
energy you’ve invested, your values, the children, the meaning of the vows you
took, as well as the meaning of life in general.

DON’T PUT OFF DEALING WITH
IT

No one can ever argue the incredible pain of the possibility that your
husband may be cheating on you. However, as you seem to have reasons to suspect
that he is cheating, then it’s time to actually start confirming his
unfaithfulness. The longer you put off dealing with this potentially
devastating situation, the worse you will feel if you find out that he has not
been honest with you.You should
carefully listen to what he says and observe what he does around you and pay
particular attention to what has actually changed. Don’t start out by accusing
him. Rather enquire about his changed behaviour and the receipts in a manner
that won’t end in a fight.

GATHER EVIDENCE

We can’t stress enough the
importance of not assuming that he is cheating. Unless you have hard evidence
or undeniable proof, he won’t easily admit to it on the basis of your
suspicions. There are many behaviours that indicate a possible affair. However,
it is quite possible that your husband could have some of these behaviours and
not actually be cheating. To ensure you don’t come out looking like a crazy
person, you have to gather evidence before you can confront him about
cheating. Unless you catch them
red-handed, cheaters generally manipulate and cause you to doubt your sanity.
Even then they usually only admit to what they think you already know. If you
confront a cheater before you have evidence and hard questions that demand hard
facts, there’s a good chance they’ll take the affair more underground.Put all your evidence in a safe place and
remember to never reveal your sources.

NOT ALL MEN CHEAT

We advise the above because
we believe the first person to talk to, even about the behavioural changes you
notice, is your husband.While you may
feel you need someone to talk to, sometimes the worst advice you can get is
from your friends. You should never endure the pain of a man with a cheating
lifestyle just because of an unfounded assumption that you will meet someone
with worst behaviour.However, it’s not
surprising that your friends believe the myth that “all men cheat”. Yes, it’s a
myth! Not all men cheat. Believing this lie will lead you to let your husband
off the hook and reinforce false stereotypes about male and female sexuality.
It naturalises an immature, cruel and deliberate act of infidelity.

NEVER TORMENT YOURSELF

People are faithful to
their partners because they make a conscious and deliberate commitment to do so
and because they don’t want to hurt them. Men are no more capable of cheating
than women. When you make cheating ‘a men thing’, you not only allow yourself
to stay in a relationship with a sketchy and a selfish liar of a man, but you
also teach him that he’s not accountable for his own behaviour. People who
believe the lie about “all men are cheaters”, usually also believe another lie,
that “once a cheater always a cheater”. Based on your husband’s behaviour,
there’s a very good chance that your intuition is sensing that he is indeed
unfaithful, whether it is physical or emotional. You should be concerned if
your gut feeling says nothing to you. If your husband keeps denying it, but you
remain convinced, you may need to get professional help. But never torment
yourself and live in fear that your life and that of your children will come to
a miserable end over myths.

Health24 is South Africa's premier health information website

Get a daily health tip

Stay in touch

The information on Health24 is for educational purposes only, and is not intended as medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. If you are experiencing symptoms or need health advice, please consult a healthcare professional. See additional information.