Julia Lipscombe: Sometimes, arguing and making amends in front of the kids can be OK

It's OK for kids to see their parents argue and yell once in a while provided they also see their parents make amends and show that they still love each other, suggests a child psychologist. Nattanon Kanchak / Getty Images/iStockphoto

Here’s what I’ve learned from talking to my friends about arguing with their partners.

In many couples there is one person who yells, and another person who refuses to engage or shuts down temporarily, thereby infuriating the yeller.

In my relationship, I’m the yeller. And I have the shorter temper. I can’t recall a time when my husband has yelled or lost his cool.

Jesse and I don’t argue often — I’d put us in the “argues the healthy amount” category. And we don’t argue about life-altering stuff. It’s the dumb things that seem big in the moment. Or stressful stuff that’s just part of life.

And like most people, it’s our goal to keep the arguing away from the kids.

But like most people, we aren’t perfect.

A few weeks ago, during an argument, when I thought the kids were upstairs, I came around the corner and yelled at my husband. Loudly. The kids weren’t upstairs. They were sitting right there on the couch, listening.

I felt truly awful. First, for yelling at all in the first place (downstairs or not, our house isn’t 100 per cent soundproof).

Second, I would feel terrible if Jesse ever yelled at me.

Third, the sickening guilt for doing that in front of my kids. I went upstairs and cried like a baby.

I pulled myself together and went back down prepared to talk to them, only to discover my husband already had. He brightly and gently explained to me that they were just talking about how parents sometimes fight, but we love each other tremendously. And that we’re trying our best, and we love them very much.

Seeing how upset I was, the kids were extra kind and loving and made such an effort to make me feel less guilty. This of course, while touching me deeply, made me feel even worse.

In the moment, it felt like: “What wonderful kids I have — what a train wreck of a mom I am.”

Of course I know deep down that I’m not a train wreck mom. And that even my parents — best friends and true partners for 40 years — argued in front of us from time to time. I’ve heard them both yell at each other.

And thankfully, according to child psychologist Corinne Eckert, I have not scarred my children for life.

I asked her how arguing in front of your kids can affect them.

“It depends on the type of arguing and how you do it,” she says.

“There are parents who argue or bicker constantly, or they’re more verbal or physical.” Those types of arguments, says Eckert, can cause serious reactions in kids such as extreme stress, behavioural difficulties or sleep difficulties.

“But if you’re arguing once in a while, then kids are pretty resistant — especially if you’re normally getting along and they see that love.”

In fact, says Eckert, arguing in front of your kids once in a while might be a good thing.

“That way, they see you expressing anger. Obviously they, too, have feelings of anger, so then they get a sense of, ‘Oh OK, it’s normal to have those feelings,’” says Eckert.

In other words, if they never saw you argue and get angry, they might be ashamed of their own feelings and push them down. And that’s not a good thing.

It’s also good for kids to see that you can make amends relatively quickly and easily.

“If they see you arguing and being able to resolve it — and hugging at the end and still looking like you like each other and love each other, then that is a good way to role model how to argue positively.”

Eckert offers a few tips for how to talk to your kids after they’ve witnessed you fight.

First, acknowledge that it happened — validate their experience.

Next, check on their feelings. Don’t just assume your child is upset, says Eckert. Ask them about it.

“And if your child can’t tell you how they’re feeling,” says Eckert, “you might look at them and say, ‘You kind of look upset, you look a little worried — is that how you’re feeling?’ Because then you’re giving them the vocabulary if they don’t already have it.”

And finally, Eckert recommends going deeper with those conversations.

“If a child says, ‘I’m scared’ and the parent says, ‘Oh — you don’t need to be scared, don’t feel scared,’ you might be missing the mark.

“So get deeper with those feelings. If a child says they’re scared, I might say, ‘What are you scared about?’”

Then, you’re better prepared to address the child’s fear, because you know the underlying cause.

At that point, you can hopefully reassure your child that what they’re worried about won’t come to pass.

“For instance, if they are worried you’ll get a divorce, you can let them know that just because you argue and get angry with each other once in a while, does not mean you don’t love each other, it’s normal,” says Eckert.

“If they are worried that you might yell at them, you might need to tell them that you will try not to yell at them, but in fact you might yell at them once in awhile but that even if you yell, it just means you are frustrated, it doesn’t mean you don’t love them.”

Eckert also recommends taking cues from your kids, and listening to them. If they think you’re fighting too much, you might be. Perhaps you need to learn better tools to communicate with each other. You might need professional help with an underlying issue.

Or, maybe you’ve underslept and are irritable and need some sleep or downtime (hi!).

Talking to Eckert was reassuring. Kids will bounce back. Mine have probably forgotten about the incident already.

But it was also a good reminder: they’re smart, sensitive and always listening. They’re learning from everything I say and do. And that includes making mistakes, acknowledging those mistakes, learning and moving on.

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