Editor's Note: On the web, Bob Savage has a
"clean humor" page that is quite good. One of his articles hit home with
us because we frequently get letters like the one to which this museum worker is
responding. The people are convinced that they have all the answers, but
their material is so saturated with errors that it is hard to know where to
start. We do not know whether this letter is real or fictitious, but it is
so very typical of the situations going on in today's world with the
evolution/creation issue. People on both sides can be so far off that
their claims and statements would be good joke material if the consequences of
their claims were not so serious. We hope you enjoy this one.

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer
seven, next to the clothesline post, Hominid skull."

We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination and regret to
inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive
proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago."
Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the
variety one of our staff, who has small children believes to be the "Malibu
Barbie".

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of
this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar
with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your
findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes to
the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically
fossilized bone. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 0 cubic
centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified
proto-hominids. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent
with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating
Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter
finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in
your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather
heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
Clams don't have teeth. It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must
deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to
the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to
carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To
the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1968 AD, and
carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Secondly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National
Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your
specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking
personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed
taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected
was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we
gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the
museum.

While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil; it is, nonetheless, yet another
riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so
effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in
his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to
the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen
upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capitol that you proposed in
your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We
are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding
the "trans-positatingfillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that
makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered
take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9mm Sears Craftsman automotive
crescent wrench.