Women’s Shoulder Pads Although this look has already returned once since its 80s heyday, it desperately needs to stick around

NO WRITER ATTRIBUTED
Oct 16, 2003

Women’s Shoulder Pads

Although this look has already returned once since its 80s heyday, it desperately needs to stick around for good. There is nothing sexier than a successful woman who looks like a Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker.

Men’s Full Body Bathing suit à la 1920s and 1930s

Mystery is sexy. These days, with Speedos and other “clothing,” nothing is left to the imagination. Modern fashion needs to harken back to its glory days when women and men attired themselves similarly while preparing to immerse themselves in water.

Monocles

There have been thousands too many calls of “Four Eyes.” Bringing back the monocle, these kids and adults would be hailed as style mavens instead of being teased mercilessly.

Gang Wars Fought Entirely Through Dance à la West Side Story

If movies haven’t lied to us, Brooklyn gang wars in the 1950s were fought entirely through dance. But these days, weapons have replaced out-dancing your enemy. This is intolerable. Let’s come together and settle our disputes in pirouettes and gyrations.

Sexy Spacesuits à la Barbarella

When the space program meant mystery and majesty, rather than bureaucracy and unnecessary death, the nation celebrated through space chic. The revelatory beauty of Jane Fonda’s outfit in Barbarella is more important than petty changes in our national character.

Codpiece

It is every man’s right to show off his God-given gifts. Period.

Togas and Sandals

FM was hoping these would come back when Gladiator was clawing to the top of the Oscar pack, but they never really made it. Tevas might get some play, but we’re talking full Roman regalia here. The best part, clearly, is that, like a kilt, you don’t need anything else on.

Grunge

How can you not love continually sleepy eyes, lack of interest in personal hygiene and suicidal self-importance?

Feathered Boa

In terms of cultural tragedies, the passing of the boa ranks with the loss of “Charles in Charge.” Aside from protecting the tender underside of one’s chin from the dangers of windburn, a boa can provide a splash of color to liven up even the most drab of fishnets and black bitch-boots.

Cigarette Holder

Jessica Rabbit had one. Jackie O. used one. Why, then, shouldn’t we all use them? A simple extension to space a cigarette from one’s mouth allows the smoke to cool before entering the smoker’s body. Use it—maybe your fingers will stop smelling like stale tobacco and start smelling like sweet tobacco.

The Paper Fan

A lacquered paper fan provides style and comfort to the subtle and well-mannered women who carry them. The paper is thin and delicate, just like you pretend to be as you attempt to trap a good man and lure him into marriage.

The Cape

Generations of superheroes can’t be wrong. Enter a room with a flutter. Leave with a flourish. Contain body heat on cold nights. Hide a dagger inside and be ready to pounce. Nobody messes with an armed man, and with a cape nobody can know for sure that you aren’t. Especially necessary if the codpiece fails to return.

Corsets

Memo to Maya Angelou: After we thought about it for a little bit, we decided that the caged bird sings because imprisoned objects are just that stylish. The same holds true for bodies, which is why corsets are the way to go.

Hula Hoops

The point of this trend is to show off your pelvis. FM just doesn’t understand how this could ever not be hip. Since the ’50s, the stars of all forms of consumer culture have been wearing less and less clothing in order to show off more and more of their bodies. And yet the implement that is most clearly adapted to demonstrate one’s booty-shaking skills has lost all its fans. This is just not rational.