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Topic : 07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:15:59 pm

Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 05/05/06) Do you and your spouse burn with passion in the bedroom, or is your sex life more like an ice-cold shower? Dr. Phil speaks with couples who say their sex styles just don't match. First, meet Leigh, who just wants a kiss on the lips from his fiancée, Jill, but she would prefer to bite him. Leigh says they haven't had a make-out session in the two years they've dated, but he's gotten plenty of bruises! Then, meet Christy and Ben. Christy says that with two kids, sex has become just another job to check off her list. In order to have sex more often, Ben came up with an idea so they both could get what they want. He created a sex menu called "Chez Christy" where he could order what sex act he wanted, and then pay her for it. Christy was fine with this arrangement in the beginning, but now finds herself crying afterward. Plus, a man who loves to paint his toenails, a woman who can't say any word that sounds dirty, and more! Join the discussion.

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I encourage you to do everything you can to get it.

I'm 36, with hubby since we were 18 and have two kids 15 and 14. We are the only couple we know to have made it so far. And more importantly - happily.

I think the main reason is great sex. People don't realize that not only is it a physical release but more importantly I firmly believe its spiritual. When two people connect - its cosmic. You need to let go of the insecurity, fear, inhibitions, resentments, guilt, etc.

We jokingly call it plugging in the crockpot (slow cooker). You plug it in in the morning with the way you treat each other and it continues to simmer all day with phone calls or nice thoughts about each other. Really its building a friendship. We text message each other throughout the day - nice, loving words as well as fantasy and specifics. An example: We bought a new SUV for me and he took it to work this morning. I texted him to ask how his drive was (thoughtful right?). His reply, "Excellent drive - almost as good as bending you over and driving you." Gulp. This was at 7:15 while I made the kids lunches for school. It made my knees weak !!! After almost 19 years? Yep I'm thinking about him and its all good. I cannot believe that this wouldn't work for everybody. Well, I know I'm right because when my friends listen to me, things are great - life is good, sex is good, etc. - when they get stuck in work, kids, bills and no sex - all of a sudden he/she ain't no prize. And believe me, my stomache got ruined with two 9 lb. babies in 1-1/2 years. I am about 40 lbs. O/W and I am VERY insecure about it. I trust my decision in the choice of husband I made (but what did I know at 18) but I trust his intelligence more and if he says I'm sexy than I trust him enough to believe him.

I think a lack of sexual desire is all about a lack of feeling connected. Do you have fun together? Do you talk about things other than money, kids or work? Do you date? We didn't have alot of money so there were alot of nights of crib, scrabble, etc. and a cheap bottle of wine. We were also very busy - we were 22 with two kids in 18 months!!! I know the meaning of tired. And I was the only SAHM while all my friends were in college!!!! And starting exciting careers!!!!!

Also, because we were committed from the start, our assets have grown amazingly - another benefit of waking up each day and and wanting the best for each other. We have both been open to every fantasy, idea, date night, etc. and the level of intimacy you can obtain is mind -blowing. I encourage you to do everything you can to get it. Be the hero and remember this is something you grow with time and commitment.

P.S.

One more thing... my cell just rang and it was my 14 yr old son - calling to say i love you and have a great day and that he's going to a friends tonight. He has had a good example. And now I'm grinning to myself because both kids are out for the night and hubby doesn't know it yet.... hee hee

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

I just dated a man who was overweight and he wanted sex 24/7 and he would do anything to get it. That's why I had to go- because I have 3 kids and I had a bad yeast infection creep up on me-gardnerella and I had to go to the hospital because of the abdominal pain. I left and even later on I found out I had mono. I wonder who he was kissing or if I got it off of my school age kids somehow (I don't know if they had it or not). People replace things with sex or sex with other things and sometimes they end up forgetting how nice real love making can be.

All I was saying is that being overweight can affect sex drive, not that it would. There are plenty of over weight people who have high sex drives, but if a person gains weight and their sex drive drops also they are most likely linked. This happened to my husband. Just a tiny bit of exercise revved him up a bit.

Need Advice

My boyfriend and I have had a tough year together. Finances and negative outside forces were a struggle for us, but we worked though them and maintained a close and spicy relationship. Now that we moved to Indiana, things have changed. We still have a pretty close relationship in most ways, but the sex is almost non-existent. He liked it when I was the aggressive one some times, but now he pushes me away. The words I hear the most now are "latter" and "Maybe this weekend". What should I do?

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

And I am just as stunned by a woman who would bite the man she says she loves. She seems to think it is cute or something even after he has told her he doesn't like it and asked her to stop. How can THAT be ok with her?

I could see role playing a prostitute and john as a hot lil sex game. We role play lots of different fantasies for fun. It only works when it is actually fun for both of us. I think using a fantasy game to manipulate your spouse into having sex when she doesn't want to is a mistake. His focus should be on giving his wife time for herself so she can get become more healthy and rested. Then he needs to look at ways to ensure they BOTH enjoy their sex life.

Why in the world would he want to make her submit to anal sex if she hates it? It's just like that biter chick-that isn't love! What is wrong with these people??

Exactly. It isnt' about love at all. It's simply about them getting off on what they want to get off on. And believe me, I truly believe there is a time for just "getting off"...but it still shouldn't be ever forced upon someone. That is what makes me sick.

In the name religion or being a good wife, or wifely duty women submit to sex acts they aren't in the mood to do.

People like this think of sex in a purely selfish manner. If they agreed to marry someone then they've agreed to share their life and that includes their sex life.

Wow, I haven't seen the show yet, but this is one of my biggest issues with submissive women. My FIL got remarried a couple years ago and his wife, who is very loud mouthed and open, made it very clear that she is a great wife cause she has sex anytime anywhere on his demand. She was very proud of it. Well, if that's the way she wants to live then that's fine, but she went on to tell me that to be a good wife I should do the same thing!!! She told me that the bible demands this (I wouldn't know, the bible seems to say a lot of things that I can't ever find) and if I was a good christian woman (I'm not) then I would also do this.

I found that rather bold of her to suggest that to be a good wife I have to give into my husbands sexual desires.

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Why not share a book-like the Joy of Sex or the Karma Sutra? There are other kinkier books too-like "Different Loving" or "Come Hither a Commonsense Guide to Kinky sex". Reading something like that together might make both of you more adventurous :)

We've tried those and nothing seems to interest us. It always goes back to the same old thing.

One more thing...

I forgot to mention that we also were virgins who had no clue. But through totally open communication - I loved that, didn't like it, etc. we know exactly what does it for each other. Its never too late to start talking and learning about yourself.

Also the reason I feel sex is so important, is it seems natural to me that the endorphins and "high" we experience with orgasm must be beneficial to our mental health. It relieves stress and all that but its also very helpful the next day when you pick up his laundry from the floor for the thousandth time. I flashback to a pleasant night before and I remember how much I love him. A few of my friends are actually too shy to say what they like or whatever but ' We're not psychic" LOL You gotta say something!!! One friend of mine is 56 and has had oh maybe 5 orgasms in her life - she HATES sex - well duh!! She never told him once what she liked and so for oh 36 years now he's been guessing - and unfortunately he got it wrong. How sad!

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

My boyfriend and I have had a tough year together. Finances and negative outside forces were a struggle for us, but we worked though them and maintained a close and spicy relationship. Now that we moved to Indiana, things have changed. We still have a pretty close relationship in most ways, but the sex is almost non-existent. He liked it when I was the aggressive one some times, but now he pushes me away. The words I hear the most now are "latter" and "Maybe this weekend". What should I do?

My first reaction is:

Tell him to meet you for dinner or drinks and talk to him about it. Its a neutral environment and non-threatening. A drink maybe help him and/or you talk about it too. Tell him how much you love him and the sex, etc. and then bring up what's been happening lately. Find out what it is. This could be medical, for sure OR maybe a weekend away after such a struggle would be a good thing. Time spent leisurely is always very beneficial. No stress or worries and just each other. Please do something now though before it goes on too long. Its hard to claw your way back when things go downhill too far. Good for you for recognizing an issue and wanting to fix it now. I applaud you.

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Exactly. It isnt' about love at all. It's simply about them getting off on what they want to get off on. And believe me, I truly believe there is a time for just "getting off"...but it still shouldn't be ever forced upon someone. That is what makes me sick.

In the name religion or being a good wife, or wifely duty women submit to sex acts they aren't in the mood to do.

People like this think of sex in a purely selfish manner. If they agreed to marry someone then they've agreed to share their life and that includes their sex life.

Wow, I haven't seen the show yet, but this is one of my biggest issues with submissive women. My FIL got remarried a couple years ago and his wife, who is very loud mouthed and open, made it very clear that she is a great wife cause she has sex anytime anywhere on his demand. She was very proud of it. Well, if that's the way she wants to live then that's fine, but she went on to tell me that to be a good wife I should do the same thing!!! She told me that the bible demands this (I wouldn't know, the bible seems to say a lot of things that I can't ever find) and if I was a good christian woman (I'm not) then I would also do this.

I found that rather bold of her to suggest that to be a good wife I have to give into my husbands sexual desires.

Too many men think their sex drive is paramount.

I think to be a good spouse, we need to give in to each other's sexual desires.

In my marriage, we both try our level best to meet each other's sexual needs, but neither one of us is interested in using the other just to "get off". If I'm not in the mood, I spend time trying to create a feeling of desire. He is a little less active during the NHL playoffs, but usually he's willing to try for me too. We are both understanding if we really can't get it "up" but it doesn't happen much. ~grin~Luckily, we really do know each other's hot zones so we can usually get things going.

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

We've tried those and nothing seems to interest us. It always goes back to the same old thing.

Hmmm...if there isn't even something in different loving that excites you two, I'm at a complete loss. Is it possible that it isn't the sex activities that are the problem? Maybe you two are having other difficulties that are affecting your sex life?

We must all be proactive

I agree! Lack of a sex drive in a man can be a symptom of health problems-particularly a low testosterone level. A simple blood test of the amount of free testosterone in his blood can diagnose this problem. Low testosterone increases the risk of heart disease and can cause a host of personality and physical problems. It can be treated with a simple topical gel applied daily.

There are other health problems that cause a loss of sexual desire that are even more serious, especially in women. It can be a symptom of ovarian cancer. Ovarian cancer is called "the silent killer" because women often have no clue they are sick before it is too late to treat. Some other symptoms are:

abdominal swelling or bloating

fatigue

vaginal bleeding or discharge

changes in urinary or digestive system (urgency in urinating, changes in bowel movements, gas, indigestion)

pain during intercourse

back pain

One in 55 woen get this disease-it isn't rare.

Isn't it amazing that so many people will just accept their lack of a sex drive or low sex drive rather than at least get a physical checkup to see what's going on?

Thanks for listing the info about ovarian cancer. A lot women don't realize that one of its symptoms can be loss of desire.

Every single one of us must be proactive when it comes to our health - whether its physical health, emotional health or sexual health!