A State Where You Can Thrive & Your People Can Breathe

When I was young, my family would take long car trips in the summertime. It was always a big deal when we’d cross state lines. Everyone in the car would look up from whatever they were doing to pass the time and celebrate our progress. Going from one territory to another was exciting, but there was nothing like crossing into my home state at the end of the trip. Knowing I’d be sleeping in my own bed made me feel giddy with delight. When my dad pulled the car into the garage, my foul mood suddenly lifted. The familiar smell of home filled my senses and made me forget how much my sister annoyed me the previous nine hours. I’d jump out of the car, eager to move my stiff ligaments and see my beloved orange cat.

Although I seldom take long car trips now, my Hands Free journey to live better and love more causes me to think about state lines every single day. These lines are not physical territories, but rather emotional boundary lines—and I’ve discovered they are critical for a peaceful, loving, joy-filled existence.

You could have the best intentions in the world to be calm, present, and joyful and sometimes all it takes is just one incident to push you over the line. One sibling squabble … one added work assignment … one painful rejection … one burnt dinner … one dog-chewed retainer … or one call from the school and before you know it, you’ve crossed over into dangerous territory and find yourself in that place you never wanted to be (again).

I know. I remember.

It was the indescribable look of fear on my child’s face when she spilled a bag of rice that helped me see what I could not see before. I was crossing those fragile state lines into angry, desolate, critical, and cheerless territories far too often and for reasons that were quite insignificant in the grand scheme of life.

But seeing that my child had become fearful of my reactions was a powerful motivator for change. I did not want my children to grow up with a mother who spent most of her life living on the negative side. I wanted to be remembered for my smile, not my scowl. I wanted to be a safe haven, not someone to avoid. I wanted to be a Silver Lining Spotter and teach my children to look on the bright side too.

My vow to have a more peaceful and predictable demeanor did not mean I promised never to cross those fragile state lines. I am human after all. Even now, nearly five years into this journey, I still cross those fragile state lines. I get sad, frustrated, angry, hopeless, and insecure. Yes, I still cross those state lines, but there is a profound difference in what I do once I get there.

I do not stay.

I come back.

I come back home before I get too far down a damaging path.

It happened recently as I was pulling my car into the garage after picking up my daughter from swim team practice. It was dark outside and the rain was coming down hard. For some reason, the garage door opener was not working. I pulled the car up as close to the door as I could, but it still would not open. I ended up going through the house to lift the door. When I eventually pulled the car in, it was at a different angle than usual. I proceeded to scrape the side of the car against the brick wall.

Suddenly I felt like a young, inexperienced driver who was going to have to confess to her parents that she damaged the car. My inner perfectionist quickly sabotaged any calm, rational thoughts I’d hoped to have in that moment.

“Why did I do that? WHY????” I cried out. “I should have been more careful!” I slammed my fist against the steering wheel in frustration.

My younger daughter put her hands over her ears and my older daughter forcefully declared, “Mom! It was a mistake! It’s okay!”

And that’s when I heard the life-saving words that distinguish me from who I once was to who I am now. “Come back. Come back,” my loving internal navigation system whispered. “You don’t have to go any farther down that damaging path. Come back. Come back.”

I forced myself to look into the eyes of my children in an effort to gather some perspective and remember they are learning how to respond to life’s challenges by watching my responses. “We are all okay, aren’t we?” I said quietly, reminding myself what was really important.

There was a collective sigh from the backseat. It wasn’t too long ago that I would have had difficulty coming back. The old me would have gone on a rant, broke down and cried, or berated myself endlessly. Shortly thereafter, I’d arrive at Regret—and Regret, as you may know, offers a lot of one-way tickets. It’s one of the hardest places to ever leave.

“Maybe it’s not so bad,” I said hopefully as I got out of the car to inspect the damage. And to my surprise, the sound of the accident was much worse than it actually was.

“See, Mama? It’s okay! We’re okay!” my little optimist said surveying the damage with a smile. And then, while standing there looking at my scraped up car, I managed to smile back at her. I was so relieved I’d chosen to come home.

Oh those dreaded state lines. It sounded like she knew them too. Perhaps she needed to know how to come back—how to come back before going even farther down that damaging path. The following message is for her and for anyone else who wants to come back to a place of peace and connection in times of challenge and strife …

Come Back

It doesn’t take much to cross over those fragile state lines,
From a state of grace … to a state of unkindness
From a state of clarity … to a state of doubt
From a state of gratitude … to a state of negativity
From a state of harmony … to a state of turmoil
From a state of ambition … to a state of inaction

Just one lost homework paper
Just one mediocre work review
Just one blow to your self-esteem
Just one wrong turn
Just one stupid mistake
Just one more ear infection
Just one more sleepless night
Just one more let down

Before you know it, you’ve crossed over
And find yourself in that place you never wanted to be (again).

Don’t stay there.
And certainly don’t go any farther down the road to the inescapable state of Regret.
This trip called Life is too short and too precious to spend in such dismal places.

Come back.
Come back.

Forgive yourself.
Forgive the one who wronged you.

Decide this isn’t over.
Decide you’ve only just begun.

Lower the bar. It’s good enough for the people who love you.
Scale back. Surrender the pressure to “do it all.”

Take ten minutes to do something you love.
Take an old hand or a young hand in yours. See loving memories and future possibilities in their palms.

Crossing those fragile state lines is part of being human.
But don’t stay in a place you cannot thrive.

Come back.
Come back.

The door might be difficult to open.
And it might not be a flawless entry.
But once you get back to a state of peace, it’s easier to see what’s important.“It’s okay. We are all okay,” you or a loved one might say despite the scrapes and bruises you see.

Come back.
Come back.
There’s no map needed.
Just listen to that little voice reminding you that love can bring you home.

****************************************

Friends of The Hands Free Revolution, thank you for the incredible response to “The Life of the Party is Closer Than You Think.” My story has been syndicated on Mampedia, one of the most informative and empowering parenting sites available on the Internet. I am grateful for their support in spreading the message, and I encourage you to check out the wisdom shared by many voices on their uplifting site.

The steps I outlined in Hands Free Mama to become less distracted were truly just the beginning. In order to be completely free to focus on what truly enriches our lives, we must acquire a new perspective. We must recognize the larger, all-encompassing distractions of our culture that divert us from living and loving fully. This is where HANDS FREE LIFE comes in. In this book, I reveal nine intentional habits that ignite a sense of urgency—urgency to live … love … dream … connect … embrace … forgive … and flourish. Adopting the nine habits of a Hands Free Life is a deeper, more enduring process than simply putting down the phone, burning the to-do list, and letting go of perfection. I am very excited to share it with this community as many of the questions I am commonly asked provided inspiration for the book. You can learn more and pre-order it here.

* Note about next week: As you may remember from this post, my mom had a sudden onset of Bell’s Palsy a few weeks ago. I am going to be spending some time with her so the blog and The Hands Free Revolution page will be quiet for a bit beginning on April 4th while we enjoy each others' company. Thank you for understanding the importance of living the message that I write.

Going on a trip to ** with my little G.S. and his F. and G.F. My D. comes into the room giving me a speech about not being late for the trip. She is not going on the trip, but she feels it is her duty to lecture me on this matter. She told me it was my husband’s and my fault that she was late to her G.P.s funerals and how we embarrassed her. Mind you, she is not giving me this speech because she wants me to be on time for my sake and the sake of the driver, but that it makes her look good if I am not late. You would think she is very considerate for others and always on time, and her goal is to “treat people in the way she wish to me treated.” Wrong! She makes me late all the time for work because I have to get her S. ready for school while Sleeping Beauty waits for someone to break the magic spell that she is under. This goes on day after day after. It is a good thing that the school is across the street. The point is……..She is the one that makes me late in any or almost ever event. She only c about herself when it comes to rules .and being helpful. Most of the time I feel like Cinderella sitting among the ashes. This makes me angry when some people can not see that they are the problem to your problem. When my D. was little, I raised her as a S.P., and I was never late if I was depending on someone else for a ride or if I had to be somewhere at a certain time. I knew what my responsibilities were and made a plan to continue remembering. That is why I have a irritation under skin when my D. feels it is her right to lecture me on certain matters when she depends on me to shoulder her responsibilities.

Thank you, Emila! It is an honor and a blessing to have you walking beside me. I so appreciate your positive feedback about my writing. This fuels me like nothing else. And thank you for the well wishes for my mom. I will pass them along to her if she doesn’t read them for herself today! (She is a loyal reader of my blog, as you can imagine! :))

Thank you! Your posts always speak to me but you would not believe how timely this one was for me. I just had a similar incident (only our car was pretty badly damaged) and I REALLY beat myself up about it. The silver lining was that my husband was so sweet about the whole thing and when I came out on the other side (and decided to forgive myself) I found myself putting everything into perspective. I want to be not only present for my family, but happy. Thank you so much for inspiring us every day. I am not sure you can possibly know how much it means.

Thank you so much for letting me know this story hit home for you, Tammy! I am so thankful you and your family were not hurt. Good for you for forgiving yourself so that you could be in a place where you can LOVE and BE LOVED–nothing matters more than that. I am sure you are helping someone make those same connections today with your story. So grateful for you!

This post is truly a gift today. Thank you for reminding us to “come back” to that place of love. I will use this mantra when I’m in those fragile moments, getting further from home and going to that place I never really wanted to go.

Dear Reachel, each time l see you have shared your words on line it gives me a big smile because i know something nice, helpful and kind i am about to read that is going to stay in my heart as well in others. Thank you very much!! i hope you, your family and all your friends are always well and you continue giving your love in such a nice way. Thank you Reachel. I would like to share that in my personal experience meditation has been the practice of coming back and letting go. Sometimes it is easier to come back home again in silence and stillness by following the breath coming in and out. It is a practice that has a lot of benefits for our health and well-being but mostly it has helped me to deal my life in a better and loving way. Thank you again, i send you all my love Ruth

Thank you for your words. Your insight and depth is refreshing and so needed. In my rush to finish everything, I rarely find quiet moments to reflect. If I find a quiet moment I bask in the stillness of it. But it is gone far too soon to sit in quiet reflection and contemplation. Thank you for reminding me what is most important.

Thank you so much for your words. You have a gift with finding just the right words to express how so many are evidently feeling, including myself. I so needed to hear these words this morning, thank you. Saying prayers for a speedy recovery for your mom, and I hope the time you spend with her is full of joy!

Thank you Rachel – I just crossed the line this morning when my son put 2 shakes of baking soda in our breakfast muffins instead of carefully measuring out 1 tsp – impatience, annoyance, wrong wrong wrong was all he heard from me and it just broke his helpful heart!! Your blog is music to my heart!

Thank you for this post. Today I’ve been teetering on the borderline between okay and despair. One more injury in a series of mysterious and unexpected injuries this year sent me sliding that long steep slope. Your post made me stop, think, and say to myself, “So many people today are feeling much worse than you are. Thin about how (here I recited the names on my current prayer list) is doing – how scared he/she must feel.” I took a deep breath, then another, and went to give my husband a hug.
So, thanks for the help.

This morning I crossed all of the state lines you mention and became impatient and frustrated and yelled at my children before school. I did not come back to myself and went as far as the land of regret. I tried to repair what I could before sending them off to school, but was left with the feeling that I really blew it and I know they were also left with the residue of this encounter as they went off into their days. As I was really getting going on berating myself I found your post in my inbox. I breathed an instant sigh of relief. I realized this is not the end. I have to come back to myself, back to my senses and forgive myself. I can work to repair this most treasured relationship and in the future I can remind myself to look into those beautiful, sensitive, impressionable eyes to see the impact of my words and be reminded of why it is so important to get off that path. Thank you for your words today. They mean more to me than you could know.

“I was crossing those fragile state lines into angry, desolate, critical, and cheerless territories far too often and for reasons that were quite insignificant in the grand scheme of life.”

Yes. Even when I am able to pause and think I need to “come back” it can be so difficult to let go of what made me cross the line. I gave up anger for lent, and am not sure if it has actually made me more prone to anger or just more aware of how often it happens. Giving up sugar was easier. But when lent was over I went back to it. I will keep trying to give up anger after lent ends.

Rachel has invited me to respond to some of her readers when I think a few words of parent coaching might be helpful.

Your desire to give up anger is very common, as many of Rachel’s readers will tell you. My colleague, Dr. Theresa Kellam, and I were just talking about this topic this morning. What we both want to share with anyone who thinks they should give up anger is that ANGER WORKS. Even though anger is not a pleasurable feeling, it serves a very important function in our lives, as do all of our emotions.

The role of anger is to lift you out of the state of powerlessness (caused by things like making a mistake, sense of injustice, lack of control, etc.) which kicks off your anger in the first place. When you look at it, you can see that all of the sounds and actions associated with anger are loud, firm and strong – all things that create an experience of power. Since experiencing power actually helps you feel more powerful in the moment, anger helps you “come back” to calm.

When you think anger is wrong and try to control it, your inability to control it (or any emotion) makes you feel even more powerless. So in effect, making anger and it’s many expressions wrong, makes it worse, which explains why giving up anger for lent could indeed make you more prone to it as well as more aware of it’s occurrances.

Recognizing the value in anger and accepting the emotion as healthy can help turn it around. It can also help you shift your focus from trying to control your anger to controlling your actions. Then not only will your automatic outbursts, fist banging, etc. become more effective at meeting your need for power, your actions to control your unwanted actions will, too.

For example, pausing requires HUGE self-control. Noticing your ability to stop yourself and pause can be a big help, as can noticing each and every other instance of self-control you are displaying – like not injuring or physically damaging people or things around you. It all helps. Plus the more self-control you become aware of, the more you trust yourself, and the less you fear your anger. Without fear, anger can work even more quickly to return you to normal.

Along the way, if you find that you are still doing things you don’t like in anger, rather than putting more energy into stopping yourself, it might work better to find alternative ways to meet your need for power. With children, I hand them paper to tear up, find spots on the floor for them to stomp, etc. With parents, I recommend exaggerating their feelings and deliberately making powerful actions and sounds – like pretending to be a giant, etc. Making exaggerated powerful sounds or gestures on purpose also meets the need for power, and since those actions are OK with you (and sometimes even funny), they work even quicker than self-control alone.

The hidden bonus in all of this for parents is that embracing your own anger models for your children that all feelings really are OK; it’s just the expressions of them that needs to be controlled. When our actions match our advice, that lesson is easily learned.

If it’s parenting situations that are setting you off, you might like my little book that gives you a 3-step approach for connecting with children and providing guidance, and Dr. Kellam’s book that teaches you how to create playtimes that can improve your entire family dynamics. Rachel refers readers to them often because they both help you change your perceptions of children’s behavior, which keeps you from reacting and crossing those “state lines” in the first place!

Rachel, I travel a fair amount and I will never cross a state border again without thinking of your post and “states of clarity, gratitude, ambition, etc”. This was a terrific post and I think your writing is even more inspiring over time as I continue to read and try to follow every post you write. I frequently share to my FB timeline and many of my friends love your words, also. It is not just what you write, but how how express your thoughts. Thank you so much!!

Perfect. I came from fury really quickly the other day. Part wanted to build a castle in being right, part wanted to uncover the trigger. Gardening for 20 minutes allowed a truth of my flawed self to emerge and just ‘be’. Then apology and back to harmony. I used to go live in the castle…. You have made this really clear Rachael. Thank you.

Thank you so much for writing your experiences and posting. Receiving your blogs is like medicine for my soul… after reading them my spirit feels so uplifted. I am work in progress, but do find myself having a “new attitude” towards my children, my husband, and feel like I can cope with what my life is delivering me. My daughter (13) had even asked “why are you acting so different mom?” Soon I hope she does not view the kinder, gentler, more patient mom as being different, but the way I have always been. Thank you again for writing and sharing your blogs….. they truly have inspired me to be a better mom and person.

Thanks Rachel. I cross the state lines too often and end up in Regret. I love the way you write, your posts really speak to me and I look forward to reading them when they come out. They make me stop and think and I’m grateful for the ideas they give me to change.

I always enjoy and appreciate your posts. You have made such a difference in my relationship with my daughter. It is a daily struggle for me and reading this post and seeing that you still struggle sometimes made me realize that I’ve made more progress than I thought. It is very helpful for me to see how you handle “crossing the line” and I love how your daughters give you the same love, caring, and understanding you have given them to help you “come back” on a bad day. It shows the positive impact all of your mindful parenting has had on them and gives me even more motivation to make changes.

I know what I need to improve as a parent and I feel like my husband needs to work on similar issues, but he doesn’t necessarily see them as a problem. I understand where he’s coming from because I didn’t realize how much some of the things influenced how our daughter responds to us until I made the changes myself. I can see a difference when I’m alone with her and when we are all together. I’m afraid of the negative impact it will have on her and on their relationship if he doesn’t work on changing some of those issues. I often wonder how your husband has changed as you’ve gone on this journey. I’d be interested to hear how it has shaped the parent he has become and your parenting dynamic as a whole. How was he involved in the changes you made?

Thank you so much for this beautiful and very timely post. It’s so easy to fall back into old behaviors, not only crossing the lines, but resorting to the negative self talk and feelings of failure when you do. I’m slowly beginning to realize that the fact that I recognize and reroute my behavior or thinking quicker is growth, and to be celebrated. Thank you again 🙂

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Framing emotional ups and downs like this and keeping that message of coming home really clarifies to me a way to put the brakes on getting into that bad mad head space turning into a snowball.

Thank you, Rachel, for this beautiful post. I look forward to reading your work every week. It has really helped me to be more present. I have been thinking a lot about last week’s post, “The Life of the Party is Closer Than You Think.” My husband tends to be the fun parent in our house, but tonight something magical happened. My daughter and I had a spontaneous dance party in the living room! It gave both of us such joy that my daughter asked if we could dance to a few songs every night. Thank you for helping me to be more spontaneous. I hope that your mom feels better soon. I look forward to reading your blog when you return.

What a beautiful moment to share, Alicia! And it sounds like it might become a beautiful nightly ritual! This is powerful & hopeful stuff! I am grateful you took the time to share. It is bound to inspire someone else! Thank you for the well wishes for my mom! It is so appreciated. Love, Rachel

From one Rachel to another! I have been reading your blog for a while now, all the way over here in Queensland Australia, and I cannot tell you how meaningful it has been, how much it has helped me already, and how each post seems to hit the mark. I think we must be very similar, and I’m so glad I found this blog to help me on my journey to becoming a better, less-stressed-out Mum. This post rang so true – it just takes one small thing to make me completely lose it sometimes, but I am slowly getting better at staying calm and dealing with situations without shouting. I have been recommending your blog and book to anyone who I think might benefit, playgroup mums, church mums, our school chaplain so she can tell school mums about it, friends with kids, even friends without kids who have the ‘inner critic’ problem. I love the way you write, your posts regularly make me cry, again because i think they are so close to home. Thank you Rachel, I will continue to journey with you.

This is poetry to my soul and could not have come at a better time. I’m dealing with putting eye drops for pink eye into my VERY unwilling daughter’s eyes several times a day and have been emotionally exhausted from crossing state lines into bad territory each time. Thank you for the inspiration! God bless you and keep getting your message out there! Loved your first book and can’t wait to read the next!

Thank you for this. My daughter is a sensitive, delicate, smart, awesome, kick-ass girl who happens to be trying to get through life with bipolar disorder. We fight a lot!
I’m trying to do a better job of being gentle and present for her and for me.
Today I found myself nagging at my daughter, “put your napkin in your lap! Close your mouth when you chew! Don’t use your fingers to eat sour cream! Blah blah blah!” I watched as she just folded in on herself and finally she left the table crying. But then I saw it, the harshness, the barking orders and I stopped. I came back.

I went to her and said that I was sorry and that I must have made her feel terrible. She cried and flung herself into my arms. She told me that she feels stressed when too much is coming at her at once. I said I understand.
We both came back.
Thank you for your help.

Sometimes when I’m there, in that place I get so sucked up in the awful but when something calls be back I remember. I recently decided to not listen to any of my thoughts if the sun wasn’t shining on them. Thank you for sharing your story. I’ve recently began blogging mine and it helps me reset and really back track to move in the right direction.

Even though I am a man in my 50’s with no children, I can apply your writings to my life. I constantly have to remind myself to step back, take a few deep breaths, and then move forward. Thanks so much for the inspiration.

Thank you, Bobby. I am extremely grateful you took a moment to tell me you are here. I write each story with the hopes that its message can be helpful to people from all walks of life and circumstances. You have provided me with such great affirmation today. Thank you for being here.

I came here looking for a link to the most recent fb post about staying open despite pain.Like you my mom has recently become ill. I met my best friend for lunch – she just lost her mom. I cried to hear the details of her precious mothers demise and I despaired that such loving beautiful brave strong smart women go through this pain. She did say ” it made me realize I hadn’t really been there for you when you lost your dad.” And I said “remember when I lost him I said I realized I hadn’t been there for you enough with your earlier loss.” We sighed to realize that this suffering does make us more compassionate people, better able to love those around us. What then must it be like for out parents to see us suffer for them? More painful than our suffering for them, even? Perhaps.

Thank you, Ellen. This is such powerful insight you share. I am so sorry about your mom. I am so sorry about your best friend’s mom. I am so glad you have each other. If you need the poem I posted on FB this morning about staying open, you can email me and I will send you the word document for your personal use. I did not know who that post was for … it came to me unexpectedly. And now I know it was for you and your friend. XO rachelstafford@handsfreemama.com

You make me stream with tears every time I read your entries. It’s as if you know me inside out! Thank you so much for inspiring me with your ideas and thoughts. There is no doubt you have made me a better mum to my 2 girls. Amazing. Xx

Thank you so much for your amazing words and thoughts. I stream with tears every time I read your posts because it’s like you know the inner workings of my mind. Thank you for making me a better mum. Following your ideas has made me enjoy my girls and savour every moment xx

For writing this beautiful article, I could see myself in those lines, and It was extremely emotional for me.

Thank you for bringing to my contience a way to recognise situations and from there gain perspective and re gain self control guided by my beliefs and values ; most of all to gain strength to go foreward, and get up every time, every time…

Being able to come up back from a blow up is so hard for me! I too want my kids to remember a smiling and happy Mom but all of the arguing and such that goes on…..UGH! I normally try to walk away and give myself time to think, I stay away from the WHY questions with my kids but
it never works the way that I want it to! Your post today hit home! I “understand” the meaning
and I am sitting here asking myself — How do I get there?

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Welcome!

I want to make memories, not to-do lists. I want to feel the squeeze of loving arms, not the pressure of over-commitment. I want to get lost in conversation with my favorite people, not consumed in a sea of unimportant emails. I want to be overwhelmed by sunsets that give me hope, not by overloaded agendas that steal my joy. I want the noise of my life to be a mixture of laughter & gratitude, not the intrusive buzz of mobile phones & text messages. I’m letting go of distraction, perfection, & pressure to grasp what really matters. I’m living Hands Free. Will you join me? (Read More)

Meet Rachel

“After attending one of Rachel’s speaking events, I am finding myself pausing more and re-setting my reactions to my spouse and children as a result of reflecting on the situations and lessons Rachel shared. Her decision to reveal the good, the bad, and the ugly, and what she’s learned as she’s worked to transform herself, has lasting impacts on her audience. Rachel’s lessons are like ripples in the ocean as they help others like me move towards choosing love and coming as we are. Rachel works wonders by helping others work wonders.”
–A Hands Free Mama in progress