How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer tothe elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like anX-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hopeyou remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

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Dear Timmy,

Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are allfine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried aboutall the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn'twant you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'llbring you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus******************************************

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "Naughty vs. Nice" contract, set byyou I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

**************************************Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need Iremind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it aguarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well, that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court.

Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve yourhealth, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up acomplexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin mostdays.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus************************************

Now look here, Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you tobring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHATEVER I WANT,MAN!

T-Bone

*********************************************

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in theworld on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake." Sound familiar genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.