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Dating – just like The Hunger Games.

Dating Games are a lot like the Hunger Games. Except that the Hunger Games are much simpler. They always end in death.

Which is not to say that dating does not end the same way. It’s just drawn out and much more painful. And it usually ends with one party feeling a lot like ‘argh, fuck this’.

I’ve met men in different ways. Sometimes, it’s through a friend of a friend. Other times, online dating sites.
There’ve been chance encounters in coffee shops and bars, and I’ve even tried Tinder.

Each has its difficulties, but hey, we should be open to them all. Because it’s not so much about how we meet the man, it’s about the man himself.

There are several profiles.

The Serious Dater – not to be confused with the Serial Dater. The Serious Dater is looking for a life partner.
This is a good thing. He wants commitment. The Serious Dater usually falls in love with you on Date Number One. He tells you everything about himself in the first hour and keeps no secrets.

He talks about his divorce, his house, his children, his finances, his fondness for walks in the park, even his shirt size. He is kind, caring and always pays for the first date.

But it’s in his eyes. Those puppy dog eyes. The way he looks at you. The way he wants you to care for him. Swaddle him. Coddle him. Nurse him.

Stay away from the Serious Dater. He’s needy.

The Serial Dater – The signs of a Serial Dater are there from the start. Be vigilant. I dated one of these guys recently, and missed every bloody sign.

The eyes that glazed over when-ever I spoke about myself. The click of his fingers, every time he spoke about himself.

The late night phone calls from other women that were explained as work. What I didn’t miss was when he got disgustingly drunk and told me how many dates he’d sat with at the very same table that I was sitting at. Not surprisingly that offended me.

He was offended that I was offended. We ended up offending each other a lot.

Personally, I wouldn’t go near the Serial Dater. He’s offensive.

The Quick Fix Dater – oh my, he is so exquisitely exciting! He’ll meet you, woo you, bombard you with messages, make you feel fantastic, flirt like crazy, seduce you and get you to do things that you never thought you would do.

‘Don’t wear underwear’. He’ll suggest.‘Wear this kind of underwear’. He’ll smile.‘Wear my underwear’. He’ll insist.
He’ll have a great time with you, then drop you as soon as he’s had his fix. He’s the adrenalin junkie. He’s mad.
He’s fun. He’s edgy. But he’s terrified of anyone really getting to know him. He fears rejection. He’ll make you be fearful every time the wind blows and your panties are on show. Be careful. He’s an easy one to fall in love with, he’s the one who’ll break your heart.

Of course he’s handsome, he’s been photo-shopped. If you suggest meeting him offline, he makes an excuse. I say, if you have more than three good online conversations without a meeting being set up, avoid him. He has something to hide.

Delete the Online Dater.

The Tinder Dater – I tried this once. Tinder is a phone app which picks out your nearby possible matches. It showed me my neighbour. My neighbour, who was recently arrested for having sex with his dog. I took myself off Tinder. I never went back.

I think there shouldn’t be a Tinder.

My last resort is The Twitter Dater – I’ve met a really lovely guy on Twitter, and we’re going out this weekend. He sounds cool. Genuinely. He sent me flowers before the date.

I loved that, and thought I should send him something too. I sent him this story to read. He really liked the story. And I know, I just know, we’re going to fall in love.