Posts Tagged ‘GCHQ’

Sir Iain Lobban has responded to criticism that Government Communications Headquarters (GCHQ) has undermined democracy, freedom and gone over budget with anonymous workplace gifts. The televised Public Hearing was told that a ‘jolly office tradition’ had spiralled out of control to include the exchange of Perfume Flamethrowers, Exploding Alarm Clocks and Portable Gyrocopters.

A journalist been held at Heathrow by the Guardian Style Editor for wearing a shirt ‘in a colour associated with last season’s menswear’. He was questioned for eight hours, the maximum possible under the Guardian’s style guide which governs how staff dress, as well as what they write. The journalist is thought to have dramatic unseen information related to the US National Security Agency and its relations with GCHQ. Delays to its publication could be serious, according to a foreign news correspondent from the paper. The accused shirt may have to be destroyed. It’s understood to be from Next.

Britain’s biggest spy agency, GCHQ, said it was addressing the commercial concerns of 21st Century espionage with the introduction of a new paywall. ‘The move heralds a brave new world of electronic surveillance,’ claimed Foreign Secretary William Hague. ‘Now, for just £100 million you get complete access to everything we know.’

According to their adverts, the new service offers, ‘the very latest premier league wire taps, clandestine ops and, of course, every text, email and phone call that anyone ever makes. All sent direct to your own phone, tablet or home computer. No need to tell us your details. We already know.’

As part of the government’s plans to reduce the deficit, GCHQ will shortly introduce a new service to members of the public to enable them to track down emails that they thought they’d lost or deleted.

“First let me say there’s far too much reliance on the Internet in today’s spying,” Michael Gove told a conference of espionage experts today. “I want to return to the rigorous ways of the past, when complicated codes were worked out with a pencil and paper and much head scratching; when spies took in huge amounts of information on paper them screwed up the paper and swallowed it. Let’s consider a return to the days of invisible ink and mysterious conversations on park benches.”