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I was in the midst of writing a post about my current favorite music acts when suddenly I scrolled passed something on a Tumblr (I’m have tech ADD and on any regular day you can find at least 14 tabs open in 2 different windows) that made me sad. Although this is not the first time I’ve heard or seen this statement from a member of the LGBTQ community, it still makes me cringe and ultimately evokes some emotion within me. “I don’t want to be gay,” the young blogger posted followed by a series of questions asking her why. Her response was simple, “I just think it would be easier.”

She is completely right and I am sympathetic toward her. Life would be twice as easy if we didn’t self-identify as LGBTQ. I don’t know about other members of the community, but when I came out the last thing on my mind was how difficult life would be if I came out. I just knew that keeping the secret and those thoughts hidden would be more difficult than anything else. After being out for almost 7 years now, there have been utterances resembling “I don’t want to be gay,” mostly in the context of dating and social life.

The discouraging reality is that if you don’t live in a major metropolis area such as L.A., Chicago, NYC, D.C., and the like, your pool of potential mates probably resembles the number of Blockbuster stores left. The selection of bars and clubs are most likely teeming with heterosexual clients making it doubly difficult for your gaydar to be perfectly calibrated and detect true lady lovers and not “strategic lesbian seekers” (no seriously, strategic lesbianism is a thing according to this Vogue article). Visibility is such an annoying barrier when it comes to dating. Your city probably doesn’t have a designated gayborhood like West Hollywood, Boystown, Dupont Circle, etc, for you to stroll the sidewalks and shops looking for a reliable pack of queer friends. Luckily for me I’ve recently become closer to a couple of queer folk and it has done wonders for my comprehensive outlook on life. It’s really quite nice to express your fears, happiness, concerns, and problems to someone who is looking at life through a similar lens as you.

In addition to dating being a herculean task, watching television and film repeat the same heterosexual story lines and stereotypical “queer” story lines is just plain exhausting and again, discouraging. I don’t have to go into detail about this because you all know… we just want to see something we can relate to every once in a while damn it. There’s also the whole thing regarding laws and regulations that don’t protect us against discrimination when it comes to housing, employment, marriage, and benefits (making strides though). Walking down the street holding your significant others hand might be a trying experience especially if you’re not in a progressive city. The process of trying to have your own child appears daunting while adoption still has it’s hurdles as a same-sex couple. Concluding findings: of course it’s difficult being gay. So how do you deal with your conflicting feelings?

The first step is embracing yourself. You can’t be something you’re not, so why try to be anything else? The faster you do this the more quickly you can use your experiences to your advantage. You acknowledged a nagging feeling within yourself and made the conscious effort to address it instead of running away from yourself. That takes strength and you deserve all the credit in the world especially if you partook in the journey alone. As a member in a marginalized group you have a perspective that is unique and valuable. You have a special community spanning the globe that would most likely welcome you with open arms (that is if you don’t have to deal with racism, which is a whole other topic on intersectionality). Your sexuality is not the defining characteristic of your being, but you should be proud of it. You don’t have to ride with the Dykes on Bikes at the pride parade or sport rainbow colored everything. Just love yourself for the progress you’ve made, love your significant other in a way that shows you’re proud of her, love your family and friends for supporting you and making efforts to move society’s acceptance along, and finally accept that none of us ever wanted to be gay… we just got lucky.

Exhalation of relief… You’re feeling weightless and naked. After all of these months, years, you’ve finally come to terms with yourself that you are indeed sexually and/or romantically attracted to people of the same gender. With such bravery and confidence you bare your soul and come out to the people in your life who mean the most. They accept and support you more than you could have ever asked. The road before you is paved and ready to discover life as you’ve always imagined it could be. Bright, colorful, vibrant, exciting. Exhalation.

A couple of years have passed since your revelation and you’ve bloomed ever so beautifully into your being. Girls have come and gone, which is fine because you’re exploring what you like and don’t like. You mostly frequent heterosexual establishments (because there are no gay bars around) and have no trouble catching the attention of male admirers (No offense to the male population, but all a woman has to do is exist and you swarm. This is also my discontent with women not approaching me with such ease, manifesting). With all of this male attention your mind starts to wander back over to the land of heterosexual, one that you’ve actually never visited. A sort of panic rushes over you.

These thoughts of being with men start to intrigue you and your curiosity grows. You become confused because you can’t figure out if your curiosity for men stems from your lack of attention and relationships with women or if you’re genuinely curious. In reality, experimenting with a man for the first time after many women is not that big of a deal. But in your head and your heart it goes against everything you’ve been piecing together about yourself since childhood. What does it all mean? After all, you are a red blooded woman and your biological urges still exist despite your declared sexuality. I’m talking about sex. You get urges and maybe you start to realize that for you, it doesn’t matter what gender the person satisfying you in that arena is. Does this mean you’re not gay then?

This brings up the whole complex web/umbrella/scale of sexuality of which I claim to be no expert about at all. Sometimes you can be sexually attracted to both genders and only romantically attracted to one or the other. How do you deal with that? Mention having a fling with a man and your friends will respond “Told you! We knew you were straight.” Or maybe your parents will clasp their hands together thankful that your “phase” is finally over. Obviously both responses are irrational because sexuality is not black and white, but most people find it difficult to grasp that concept. How does that affect you emotionally? I imagine the emotions are similar to coming out as something other than heterosexual. It must be even more difficult especially if you’re a “Goldstar Lesbian” because it’s like My Whole Life has Been a Lie: Part II. All of this could be avoided if our culture wasn’t sustained on a three choice orientation system.

You’re either gay, straight, or bisexual (but they get a lot of shit). If orientation was taught, discussed, and accepted more widely on the scale system like it really is, we wouldn’t have such a need to declare a sexuality. We would also be less fearful to admit to ourselves and others when our desires and attractions change. We are human beings. We are meant to grow, evolve, and discover ourselves. Discovering who you are is both frightening and rewarding I know. It takes practice, but eventually you’ll make all the decisions that correlate to your happiness. I’m still working on that too. We’re all getting there. We’ll get there someday. You didn’t get your orientation wrong, you just found something else that also floats your boat.

E: 33% N: 50% F: 50% P: 11%

I haven’t taken the MBTI since my sophomore year in college. One of my best friends and I took a course designed for students who were trying to find any sign of their life-path hidden under residual debris left by the shit storm known as Life. We had recently switched our major from the soul-sucking field of Chemistry (I still love science) and were hoping that a series of questions followed by some guidance could help us. I know some people are hesitant to trust a test that details your personality, but I guarantee Myers-Briggs will describe you quite accurately. My memory evades me of my first results but I’m confident they resembled the ones above, which is what I got after taking the MBTI a few weeks ago.

According to the Myers Briggs, I have the personality type ENFP: Extraversion, Intuition, Feeling, Perception. How does Myers Briggsdescribe this?

ENFPs are initiators of change, keenly perceptive of possibilities. They energize and stimulate others through their contagious enthusiasm. They prefer the start-up phase of a project or relationship, and are tireless in the pursuit of new-found interests. ENFPs are able to anticipate the needs of others and to offer them needed help and appreciation. They bring zest, joy, liveliness, and fun to all aspects of their lives. They are at their best in fluid situations that allow them to express their creativity and use their charisma. They tend to idealize people, and can be disappointed when reality fails to fulfill their expectations. They are easily frustrated if a project requires a great deal of follow-up or attention to detail.

I can’t express how precise this description is… of me. This also partially explains why my “coming out” period was especially difficult, why I fall so hard from such great heights for ladies, and why (I think) my never-wrong Gaydar is modified to curious “straight” ladies.

Lets briefly discuss Extraversion and my coming out. Imagine being the most boisterous and obnoxious kid in every classroom. You always shouted answers, said hi to everyone, were probably classified as crazy, and were mostly full of enthusiasm that you wanted to share with friends and strangers. Next, picture the exact moment in time you discover the word defining your feelings for women, and that it isn’t normal. Your internal sun burns out indefinitely and you crawl inside yourself only to fall to the darkest depths of your being. Depths so devoid of light that you pray (even if you’re not religious) no one else has to feel their way through it. I’m sure closeted-introverts have found themselves in similar darkness, but as a notorious extrovert it really took a toll on me. Thankfully my internal sun has been burning brighter than ever for a while and I’m back to regularly scheduled enthusiasm. People call me the life of the party and generally look in my direction to reassure themselves that it’s ok to start dancing in a bar where no one else is dancing.

I had to mention my habit of falling from such great heights because honestly, how the hell could this test know that my personality is the type to idealize people and be highly disappointed when expectation does not meet reality? How the hell? My friends will be the first to tell you how devastated I am when someone doesn’t meet my vision of them. I don’t know why I do this and I wish I didn’t because it steals so much energy from me. However, I feel a bit better knowing that it’s a personality trait that is natural to me and it’s something I can work on.

Finally, lets chat about my magnificent Gaydar that needs re-callibrating. Having a working Gaydar can be the most helpful tool a lesbian can have especially if you’re more of feminine-ish lesbian attracted to mostly other feminine lesbians. Really there should be awards handed out to fem lezzies who find other fem lezzies because it’s thee most frustrating activity ever and I wish there was an easier way. There isn’t one so we rely on Gaydar, or in my case Bi-dar or curious-dar. As an ENFP I am keenly perceptive of change, able to anticipate the needs of others, and work best in fluid situations where I am able to use my charisma. I’m thinking that this is a deadly combination for reeling in all the curious, feminine straight girls. I can perceive which ladies are feeling me, anticipate what they might be missing from boys (and fill it in), and then I use my charm in situations to catch them. This cycle continues for a while until they get freaked out and run away or push and pull me until I’m done. Nonetheless, thank you Myers Briggs for helping shed some light on my tendencies. Maybe one day I will stop this vicious cycle. Or maybe I’m addicted to it in some sick way.

I hope this didn’t make me sound like some cocky asshole tootin’ her own horn. I’m just reporting results. ENFP’s are known as “Champions,” which means that when they “speak or write, they are often hoping to use their convictions to motivate others to participate in advocacy or they hope to reveal a hidden truth about the human experience.” What a coincidence, that is precisely the reason I started this blog.

Adulthood. What an intimidating word. Images of bills, endless responsibility, distancing friendships, and full-time+ work. Eventually your coworkers become a family of sorts because you spend the majority of your time with them. I genuinely consider many of my coworkers (past and present) a part of my family. They make me feel safe, they give me confidence, confide in me, share things with me, and make me laugh. These things are great, but there always feels like something is missing. Like I can’t be myself completely because they just won’t understand an important part of me, and that is no fault of theirs.

I’ve held a job since I was old enough to drive myself back and fourth to work during the summers. Out of those 7 years I’ve only had one open-ish LGBTQ coworker, and the experience was unlike any other I’ve had. We only worked together for a few months before she left, but I cherished our time together. We could talk freely and openly about our lady experiences together. I know it’s possible to have that conversation with heterosexual coworkers, but the same connection and understanding would be impossible to have.

For all my heterosexual readers: Imagine that you worked in an environment where you were the only heterosexual identifying employee. How would that make you feel? How would you feel listening to two men talk about their night at a gay club, or girlfriends talking about where (or what… hehe) they ate the previous night? Maybe they share stories about being discriminated against because they held hands walking down the street or the people they’re attracted to. Maybe you wouldn’t feel so out of place the first time. But imagine that happening repeatedly five days a week for 3 decades. You possibly start longing for an acquaintance. Someone who can uniquely relate to your experiences.

I dream of working in a corporation where my boss identifies as LGBT or at least a handful of coworkers. I’m sure their sexuality would be non-factor in business operations, but I would feel an unspoken connection and pride working for/with them. My heart would swell with joy knowing I could be wholly myself and talk about my troubles without worrying about the consequences or unsolicited and inappropriate commentary. I dream of working with professional lesbians because I don’t know any. Everyone likes a role model, and I am no different. I’d love nothing more than Bette Porter ordering me around the office or Ellen Degeneres critiquing me on what I could improve upon, while Lena and Stef have lunch with me. Hell, I’d even take out J. Crew president Jenna Lyons telling me how disgusting my style is. I think you get my point by now.

Now… I’m sure my chances of ever working with a lesbian in a workplace resembling corporate America ( not as dusty or traditional) is very slim. Until then I’ll just continue my journey of finding some really good lesbian girlfriends. Still don’t have any of those either. Actually there is one girl and she’s awesome and understands the way my brain works and she’s currently dating a girl so we share things. Baby steps people. Keep hope alive.

I really love WordPress and all the data they offer you in terms of the visitors to your blog. I thought I’d share just a few of the search terms people use to get to my blog. Based on the search terms I’d say there are a lot of people out there who are quite curious about lesbian dynamics. That’s why I decided to start writing about my own experiences/perceptions as a self-identifying lady lover. I thought I might as well add something to the public mix because there are women out there searching for answers or advice. You really can never have enough resources. You can never have enough perspectives. Maybe someone can relate to my perspective better than one of the numerous other lesbian blogs/vlogs available.

I know this doesn’t constitute a real post, but I thought it was important to inform my viewers just how many eyes come across my page. I’m actually surprised how many views I get daily because I hardly advertise the URL. This means that people are actively searching out for things of the lesbian persuasion. I’ll continue to write about all aspects, theories, thoughts, observations, and personal experiences. I might not have the most eloquent or technically sound writing, but I always try to be as real as possible; no matter how unfavorable my perspective may be.

It’s the subject people hardly like discussing because… well because we’d all like to think that in 2013 this is not an issue or a factor in our decisions/thoughts, but in reality, whether consciously or subconsciously, race does have an influence in our mind.

I’d like to start out with mentioning that I love discussing race/ethnicity often, especially as a person of color. I love hearing various perspectives, asking questions, and navigating the thoughts of others, specifically those of the caucasian persuasion. I wish more people could discuss this important topic in a scholarly and non-threatening manner, but as I said earlier, it’s a sensitive topic.

I will start by building a platform of myself. If I am walking down the street, 100% of passing strangers will classify me as African American. That is a correct observation. I grew up in a predominantly white neighborhood. I went to elementary school, Jr High School, and High School in an environment that was quite diverse. In fact, the diversity that I grew up around seemed to be an anomaly of sorts as I grew older and talked to more people about their childhood. Even with all this diversity, my childhood/current friends are still predominantly white. This is most likely due to the classes I was enrolled in during school. I’ve taken advanced classes since I was in 5th grade and it just so happens that ~96% of my classmates for seven years were white. I received my bachelors degree in 2012 at one of thee whitest Universities in America. We’re known as the “Public Ivy League” and the average student seemingly is wealthy, preppy, stuck up, attractive, and well… white. If you only spend a short amount of time on that campus you will certainly come to those conclusions. However, I spent four years there and I truly couldn’t imagine going to a different University. Granted, I probably would’ve fit in much better at numerous other institutions but I like a challenge when it comes to people. In 2013 my friend group, which feels large, is still predominantly white. One thing I hear often from them as well as strangers is “you’re not really black…” and a variation of this statement.

Personally I think my perspective of race, behavior, and relations is far more mature than most people. I feel like could write a dissertation on the matter. But I digress. There’s a reason we as humans stereotypes and compartmentalize different groups into categories. It helps us quickly make judgements about people in order to protect ourselves. It’s an unconscious evolution thing (I think). How does this innate human behavior affect us when it comes to dating?

We can’t help who we’re attracted to. My history of attraction with real life people just happens to be 100% white women. Now if you put celebrities in that percentage then we’d need a pie chart to illustrate. Nonetheless, I think who I’m currently attracted to comes from the environments I’ve spent the majority of my lifetime in. I’m not saying that I could never be attracted to a woman who is not white. Actually, every time I’ve gone to visit friends in cities that are breathtakingly diverse, my attraction shifts to just about every woman who is not white, or at least my interests greatly diversify. I love that I’m able to do that. My worry is that the majority of others aren’t able to do that. For me, dating outside of my race has never even been a concern. Not once have I ever been fearful of being attracted to someone who is not African American. My siblings display the same philosophy as well. They too have never dated anyone who was African American (not to my knowledge). I think my concern lies in the fact that I know it’s hard enough to come out as LGBTQ, but then to lay on your friends and family that your partner is of a different race adds another complex dimension. No one wants to make things harder than it already is, so why would they take that risk? Maybe I’m just lacking confidence in the human race as a whole. My faith in people and their willingness to explore things and people different from them is pretty nonexistent. I often hope I’m wrong. But then I remember that not everyone is the same and those people who live with tunnelvision eyes are not for me. There are people out there who are attracted to the person and not what they look like. But what happens if you fall for someone with tunnelvision eyes? I live my life carrying a grandiose personality and I try to throw it on every one who comes near me. However, I walk through life subconsciously thinking someone will miss out on me because they’re not attracted to someone of my color. Again I know that’s their loss, but what a terrible occurrence. People immediately dimiss others because they’re not attracted to them, because their race isn’t in their history of attraction. I do that too…

So how do we deal with this? Just keep being yourself. Be the best you and the right people will hopefully gravitate towards your presence. If you ever fall for someone and they don’t like you back because of your skin color, well most likely you’ll never know. How often will someone tell you they’re not attracted to you because you’re not white, black, latina, etc? Rarely, because most people are respectful enough to not be explicitly assholish. My last advice:

BE OPEN TO WHO YOU LOVE. YOU NEVER KNOW WHO YOU COULD BE MISSING.

(I’ll try to follow my own advice)

(P.S. yay for television/media trying to become more diverse with programming. Opening minds. You still have a ways to go)

(P.P.S. Sorry if this was so scatter-brained. I have so many thoughts about this)

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

I’d like to start off with my apologies for lack of posting. I have an internship at a real company that’s not a restaurant (it’s a start somewhere, right?) and for some reason my “social life” has been strangely active. So forgive me.

Now onto the subject at hand. Notice the two screen caps above that were posted in regards to one of my entries entitled “Straight Girls Fall In Love With Me Too.” These men cannot be serious about the reasons they cannot find a good woman. I actually laughed out loud at these comments.

If I could talk to these men in person, these are the questions I would ask:

To The Truth, what is this obvious reason why you “good straight guys” can’t seem to meet a good woman anymore? Are you implying that the dirty lesbians are using their hypnotic evil powers to slowly attract every straight girl there ever was? If you re-read that entry, the ending doesn’t exactly go in my favor, does it? If anything you should be thanking me because they all eventually end up going back to their big, strong, protective men who can do everything for them I can.

When you say “us good straight guys,” I’m assuming you’re saying that as an indirect parallel to “you bad gay women?” Are you in such disbelief as a single straight man that it must be the fault of another (lesbians) why you haven’t found a (good) woman yet?

When you use the phrase “good woman,” are you implying that all the women you’ve been interested in (or have rejected you) have been bad women? Are you saying that lesbians only attract the “good women,” ultimately leaving you with rotten ones to choose from?

To VeryTrue, are lesbians everywhere these days? If they are, can you PLEASE fuckin’ point to their general direction because I cannot for the life of me hone in on one. Instead, I find myself hanging from the lips of your “good (straight) women.” And I would gladly trade your straight women for my dapper dyke, lusty lesbian, Femme female, anyday.

You’re telling me that the number of lesbians have increased so rapidly that you actually find it hard to find a straight woman from the population?

You too, used the phrase “good woman.” Refer back to #3.

If after reading my questions you cannot clearly reach my conclusion, I will spell it out for you: LESBIANS ARE NOT THE REASON MEN ARE (supposedly) HAVING DIFFICULTIES FINDING GOOD WOMEN! If anything, I see so many good women wasting their time with less-than-stellar men, and if I did have lesbian powers (aside from some skills we have *wink*), I would use them to steal all your good women. That would be pointless though because I’d rather have a woman who wants me in the same way I want her. Now if anymore men find themselves hovering on my page (actually how did you find this blog? Googling lesbian porn?), I hope you use your logic and intellect before making hilarious comments.

Month after month, your friends and acquaintances repeat to you “Be patient… there’s someone out there for everyone.” But is there really? Truly, in the depths of my hopeless romantic soul, I do believe this. But then reality slaps me back into this atmosphere, eyes wide open, and I can’t help but to observe it’s happening for everyone but the lone lesbian. Or at least seemingly everyone (because obviously it’s not all of my friends… yet). It just seems so easy for them to glide in and out of relationships and hookups. Where do I sign up?

How do you even date in the lesbian world?! If you’re currently in an environment where there are no quality lesbian bars to choose from (or none at all), you’re pretty much stuck in a rut. When you go out with your straight friends, you go to straight bars/clubs. They’re kind of the most depressing places on earth because you have to get drunk enough to: 1) dance with whatever gross guy approaches you with no rhythm. 2) ignore the fact that all your friends are making out with someone and there you are swirling your drink(s). 3) build up enough bravado to approach the women you find attractive (and most likely get graciously denied). I think the Tumblr post above states it best: “Dating in the gay world is like finding a job. You either do it on the internet or get referred.” Well I must be doing something incorrectly because I have yet to be referred or found Internet gold in the dating or job world! Not that I’m in a hurry or anything but I wouldn’t mind having a little distraction. Also, having people repeatedly ask me if there are any girls in my life is getting tiresome. I know being a lesbian automatically put me in the category of “get ready to never date anyone” because only ~3-6% of the American population identify as something other than heterosexual, but I didn’t think it would be this difficult. Again, I know my environment at the moment can account for some of the difficulties I’m facing. Although I think I’m thankful that I’m not caught up in a lesbian scene because based on personal accounts posted on various websites, it can get messy and everyone seems to have been recycled. I mean, you know “The Chart” (Another L Word reference… DO YOU SEE HOW MONUMENTAL THAT SHOW WAS TO LESBIANS EVERYWHERE?! CAN WE BRING IT BACK PLEASE? OR SOMETHING LIKE IT?! IN AMERICA?!).

P.S. all my pictures all clickable to the original source of the photo.

So how do we handle this situation? Luckily we find ourselves in an era where hundreds of digital dating tools are at our fingertips. We have dating websites like OkCupid and whatever the name of that site Facebook constantly advertises on my page (Sapphos, I think?). We also have iPhone apps like Tinder and Grindr. I’ve briefly browsed OkCupid a few times and each time I’m either underwhelmed with the suggestions or creeped out by the approach of many of its users. Maybe one day I’ll return and give it another shot. As for Tinder, I’ve heard it’s kind of fun and creepy to use but they do have a “girls only” option! Now you may be thinking to yourselves ahh tech dating… yeah right. Believe me, I still think that way in a sense. My mind (or heart) still believes that I’ll find a version of love during some random encounter like in the movies. However, it’s 2013! Why not make use of all your resources? If none of those suggestions specifically created for dating work for you, maybe you’ll get lucky and find some random on Tumblr or in the comments section of a lesbian website. You just never know…

Sometimes when I’m left alone with my thoughts I often wonder if I were straight, would I have a boyfriend right now? We’ll never know… I have a handful of guy friends who I think came into my life because we are soul mates. I think they are truly the greatest and kindest souls on the planet and yet somehow every single one of them are single. When we talk about dating and our chronic singledom, they always tell me that I’m much more interesting and intriguing than the straight girls they’ve met (I mean I probably am, haha). In response I always tell them that they’re much easier to deal with than the lesbian/bisexual/bicurious girls I’ve ever met. It’s a hilarious cycle of conversation. Maybe I’d feel better if I had a really close lesbian friend who was also single and could share my sentiments. Until I get that friend or have Fate place a stunning lady in my path, I think I’ll make an honest effort in concentrating on improving myself and reaching my goals.

A couple of weeks ago I posted an entry entitled “You Fell In Love With ANOTHER Straight Girl.” Basically it describes my terrible habit of falling in love with straight girls because of reasons I would like to know. Wouldn’t it be great if a consequence of being gay was that you could only fall in love with other lesbians? Actually that might be terrible because some people just fall in love with the person and you could miss out on a chance with a girl that only currently identifies as straight. But I digress… As mentioned in the previous entry, I have fallen in love (or whatever it was) with more than my fair share of straight girls. While I admit I am the type of person that falls quickly, I think the feelings I developed for these girls were not completely uninfluenced. My feelings grew stronger overtime because in one way or another, I think, these girls reacted positively to my advances.

But recently, one of those said straight girls (who is now one of my best friends) told me why I attract so many straight girls. To put it simply, she said that she and other (straight) girls didn’t see me as someone of the same gender, but more as my own species. In other words, those girls were never attracted to other girls, just me. The first thing I did was smile because what an ego boost. The second thing I did was frown because if they were attracted to me in some way, why couldn’t they admit it or just take a chance with me for my own sanity? Obviously I understand why none of them ever took the chance because a decision like that could potentially shift their lives and it’s difficult to coast out of your comfort zone. If I ever found myself becoming attracted to a man I would most likely be hesitant as well. I say “most likely” because even though something is out of my comfort zone, there is always a high probability of me expressing my emotions.

With this said, was it fair for these girls to express any kind of interest beyond a platonic friendship with me? In principle, hell no. No one likes to be an experiment and the toll each girl has taken on me has been pretty severe. However, I’ve learned from them what I like and dislike and what I deserve. I also appreciate them taking the time to explore their sexualities in the most passive way possible, even if I was at the expense at some point in time. Whenever I can help someone find their path in life I am all for doing.

I hope my grey relationships with self-identifying heterosexual women are coming to a close; and if there are heterosexual women out there who are genuinely curious about their sexuality and want to experiment here are a few tips you can follow:

First and foremost make damn sure you clearly communicate what your intentions are with the lesbian subject.

If you didn’t expect to become attracted to the lesbian subject and you kiss them, and then kiss them again on more than one occasion it is not okay to brush those interactions under the rug.

If the lesbian subject starts to show signs of attachment and you’re not at that level with her, let her know.

Don’t get angry with lesbian subject if she gets angry with you for talking to guys because you have yet to communicate with her.

Don’t be an asshole.

If this is a close friend, know that you are putting your friendship on the line.

Try as best as you can to match up your actions and your words… i.e. Don’t continuously have physical contact and spend absurd amounts of time with each other and ultimately tell her you’re just friends. That’s mean.

While I may seem bitter over straight women, I still believe that lesbians and previously identifying straight women are capable of falling for each other just like lesbians are capable of falling for men. In fact…

Just love who you love damn it. Don’t be afraid to jump. You never know what could happen.

Ah… The L Word, we meet again. The show was so perfect because it really made an effort to address essentially all issues pertaining to lesbians no matter how farfetched the plot eventually became. Dana hits the nail on the head sharing with Tina her frustrating and repetitive habit of being attracted to straight girls. I, Dana Fairbanks, am all too familiar with that activity. In fact, it’s largely all I’ve ever known… Going through this event is a rite of passage of sorts for baby dykes, but for me it’s no longer a rite of passage but expected occurrence.

If I could be psychic and warn my future self not to gain any feelings or attachments to particular girls, I would. But alas I have no special powers and am constantly left to slowly drown in heartbreak followed by feeling like a complete and utter moron for being falsely seduced by straight girls. Is it my fault? I suppose some of the blame can be put on me but then again, can you really help who you fall for?

If my numbers are correct, my count of “straight girls I have fallen for/all have had some physical contact with me” is currently too high for my liking. How does this happen? Generally, it begins as a friendship like most relationships, but feelings ultimately evolve as the two get closer and someone does or says something that is outside what is considered the platonic realm. I know women tend to be more nurturing and emotional creatures so it is not too strange for female friendships to be more intimate than male friendships. But it’s a whole different softball game when one member of the friendship is attracted to the same sex. I don’t know how I find these girls or how they find me, but ever since 8th grade I’ve managed to befriend a girl who identifies as straight but ends up locking lips with me on more than one occasion along with confessing, in one way or another, their (not-so-sounding-platonic) love for me. When I’m attracted to someone I let them know by my actions and words, even if it’s a girl who generally dates men ( I CAN’T HELP IT). I think it’s up to them to sit your ass down and be like “Look… I love you you big dyke. But I’m not into you like that.” The earlier that conversation happens the better because you can begin the healing process and possibly get back to being just good friends. Thankfully, all of my straight mistakes learning experiences have done that for me even if it was much too late in the friendship and after multiple times of embracing each other with our lips and cuddling.

The most difficult part of getting past the “I’ve fallen for a straight girl and can’t get up” is believing them when they say they’re straight. It doesn’t matter how many times they kiss you, how many times they cuddle with you, how many gifts they give you, how many times they tell you things remind them of you… THEY ARE STRAIGHT. Or maybe they aren’t straight but don’t feel comfortable labeling themselves as anything else but straight (labels are for cans) because the whole situation is new and different for them. In that case it’s not up to you to force them into something they’re not ready to address in their lives. The second most difficult part of moving on is moving on. How do you get past someone you felt so deeply for? I’m the wrong person to ask because when I decide I like someone, I like them long past the expiration date. Writing, crying, reading, playing (guitar) and talking to friends have all helped me with the healing process. When all else fails… watch a Hannah Hart video. This one in particular:

Hannah says it best I think. Someone will eventually come along and think everything you do is super duper cute and they’ll reciprocate the feelings you have for them 100% and not just half the time. I know it’s hard but you just have to be patient and know that there is nothing wrong with you because you were rejected by a straight girl.