Stuck for a long time.

Ever since I was a child my parents made sure that I was safe but still I am not happy at the moment. I was never popular at school and felt like an outsider. That makes me so sad. Also I had to see my mother go when I was 18 but if I had had a good social life it wouldn't have made me think about suicide. I was never really interested about anything and had no goals. Not even today. I could actually be living a decent life right now but I have always had that way of thinking that "I haven't done it in the past, why should I do it now". That thought has ruined my life. I never was the outgoing type but that thought made it worse and it doesn't go away. All my life I have waited for nothing. Now as a 19 year-old male I'm thinking about suicide almost every day. I have wasted so much. I fear that I am not here when I turn 20.

I was at a hospital for a couple of months because of my thoughts that kept haunting me. They say I suffered from psychotic depression but I don't believe them because I could go to school and all. After that everything has gone worse. I didn't keep in touch with my friends, people I knew and occasionally spent time with. This I regret. The so called friendships weren't that close but still they kept me from losing my sanity. I know I should do something but I don't know how. I can't go find friends because no one wants to be around a person like me. I would have to resort to meeting loners like myself and what good would it do for me? I'm stuck.

There have been many times in my life, due to illness, that I have had to reinvent myself...sounds like a perfect time for you to do that too...find something you are passionate in and develop a career path, reconnect with those people you care about, seek counseling for your continued improvement and speak to your pdoc if the current medical regime you are on is not working...please be aggressive in your advocacy for yourself and know many of us are very insecure, but with the help and guidance from others, have had success...also, please continue to post so that others can make suggestions and support you

I guess, having friends would help you until the certain time, because your problem is not that your are not a social person, the problem is in you. You are in insecure in yourself because you were not popular in school. Believe me, there is life after school and no one will never give attention to what you were like in school when you meet new friends. What was in past, leave in the past. You are at the age when everything seems unpredictable. But will you certainly find your way. Try to listen to music, read a good book. And, please, stop feeling sorry for yourself. it is all in your arms. People around you will help you and normal people will not turn against you.

Please do not place any value on your level of popularity in school or any other place. In your life, I promise that you will meet people who will understand you, enjoy your company and love you for who you are. These true friends may be rare, and when you meet them, you'll wonder where they have been all of your life. The first step in meeting them though, is opening yourself up to people and new experiences. At such a young age there are so many different things you haven't experienced. With time you will discover many interests.
If you feel stuck, I think you need a goal, something to work towards. My goal right now is saving to travel Europe (I currently live in Australia). I may not LOVE my job, but the days of working will be worth it when I get to see all these new places and meet interesting people from all walks of life. Possibly even yourself It is a small world after all.

Regarding your note that you don't believe you suffered a psychotic depression because you could go to school, many people suffering from mental health problems react in different ways and some can function with day-to-day tasks easier than others.

Also, you don't have to resort to "meeting loners like yourself". A friend is just a stranger you haven't met. Would you like to try a new activity where meeting people is a bonus? I took up dance classes and went to a few social dancing nights, not with the intention of meeting people, but I made many friends this way. If dancing isn't for you, are there any other social activities you may like to try?