As I Sit Here And Type.......

I wonder, why i hurt so bad. I'm trying to get a job, but the state that I"m in it's scarce. I wonder why i even wear a wedding band. It isn't there anymore. He is in his own little world, and i guess you would say that I'm there too. I love him for giving me the most handsome boys in the world. Other than that we have nothing. I want to ask if you are going to put a rude comment on here, please save your laughs for yourself, i hurt and there is a lot of people on here that hurt, and need someone that is what this site is about. That is why I'm here. Having a husband with a drug problem is so hard to deal with, it makes me feel as though that I'm a bad mom for being here. But that being said, I'm on top of things with them i take care of my guys. I have only 2 left at home the other 2 come and spend the night to see us, but they have their own lives. I'm so alone. He doesn't care. If he does he doesn't show it. I have learned over the years of dealing with this when you are HI, everything is OK. Life is good things are great, and when he crashes things are bad he hates everyone and everything. I take it in stride, I'm to the point i don't want him to even touch me, God i never thought that i would be at this point, i have always forgave and moved on, but this last crash got me, i recorded him mentally abusing me with his words, and he was leaving because we had a argument and as he was walking through my room to get to the door he hit me on the side of my face. I was seeing nothing but red at that point, but i did nothing because my boys saw him do it, and if i would have went after him it would have been worse, yes i was calling the law until i and the boys heard him tell his mom if she calls the law I will kill her. My 11 year old begged me Mamma please don't call the law so i didn't. Yes i realize that i should have and i should have on all the other times that were worse. To me he is a coward, will hit on a woman.

I know that i need to get away from here, I'm 37 and still have a few miles on me to make someone happy, that does not do drugs,drink. I want someone that will hold me without having to have sex. Yes sex is very important in a relationship, but companionship is the glue. And you know my boys would love to see me happy. If their dad would go to a rehab center and detox without us having to go through the hell he puts us through, I would stand behind him, but he refuses. At this point in time I'm waiting on the boys to finish out the year of school, and then look for some help. I would do nothing to disrupted their lives with testing. Kids don't deserve to hurt, they are giving to us from God on a borrow, they are his he is just giving us the gift of raising them. I know that when my time on earth is complete i have a lot of explaining to do. But i know that my guys love me, and they feel sorry for me, i hate that i can see the hurt in their eyes when i cry. Sometimes they cry with me. Because they hurt to.

I'm not writing this for pity, i just needed to get this off of my chest. I have not written in a while. Please if you have a wonderful family, be thankful. If your husband works, be thankful, I have a wonderful family and they are my boys. (HUGS)......Kimintheclouds

Your husband needs more than a detox, he needs help. but more importantly, he has to want help and be willing to go to any lengths to get clean and to stay clean. I spent most of my life as a junkie and no matter how many times that I quit drugs, I always came back to them until I replaced them with a spiritual relationship with a power greater than myself, the god of my understanding. I found my spirituality in the program and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. I worked hard and chase my sobriety and my recovery as hard...no, harder than I chase my high! AA is not for those who need it, but for those who want it. It sounds like your husband is not ready, and may never be.<br /><br />Unfortunately, your only option is to take your guys and leave. All three of you deserve <br />more. Unfortunately, you made a mistake when you were very young, and you will, in some way, have to live with it's ramifications forever. You have much to give, Kim, so keep your faith, and don't give up. Guard your trust carefully, but don't lose the ability to trust. Take your time, and give your trust slowly and carefully when you feel that you can. You have your head on straight and your priorities(your guys) in order, just remain open but cautious and if the time comes, great. If it doesn't come, you are strong enough to survive on your own.

Hi Kim, every time I read one of your entries I feel a bit sad and a bit hopeful for you. You are a woman with much to give: your boys see this and I'm sure appreciate your sacrifices; and your future relationship will be the sweeter due to how you comport yourself now. Your current man is obviously blind to reject the love, strength and compassion that pervade all your writings. Every time I come on here I check on you because I care for you and all my EP friends. I hope the end of the school year brings you the change you so richly deserve. Hugs, G

If you truly feel that you should take actions in order to create a better family environment for both your children and yourself, do so. As you've said, children don't deserve any of such things, and you seem like you're really concerned of the current situation. You know what's true to your heart, you know the decision your mind's telling you, pick up the courage to do what you think is best for the family. I know it's easier said than done, so at this juncture I shall stop elaborating, for you know best. To end off, here's giving you the most sincere wishes - all the best and hope all things turn out well in the end.

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