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After getting married and having kids, most of us men dedicate ourselves to work and family. Any friendships we had in school or college fall by the wayside. We’re surrounded by people, yet not deeply connected to anyone. Then we feel guilty for taking time, energy, and resources for ourselves or to invest in relationships with other men.

Today we have Stephen Mansfield on The Dad Edge Podcast. He is a NY Times bestselling author, a speaker, and media consultant. His book Mansfield’s Book of Manly Men reveals the secrets and virtues of great men.

Stephen Mansfield is here today to talk about how we’ve lost the lore of men, why we need a band of brothers, and the skillset needed to form relationships that will help us become our best selves.

Stephen Mansfield

Stephen Mansfield rose to global attention with his book The Faith of George W. Bush, which was the source of Oliver Stone’s movie W. He appears frequently on TV and speaks all over the world. He believes not just in being a man, but a great man.

As a kid, Stephen’s dad was in the military. They moved around the United States and spent a few years in Germany. Stephen went onto college and spent some time as a pastor. As he got married and had kids, he realized something was missing. He was not given the skillset needed to handle all the challenges of manhood.

In history, men had a built-in male community of extended family members, villagers, and other men whom they depended on for survival. There was a craft of manhood that was shared among these close-knit bands of brothers.

In modern society, these relationships are no longer built-in. After marriage, men’s relationships drop off or deteriorate into what’s called a “rust relationship.” Rust relationships are those that once had meaning but end up being loosely maintained for nostalgia. They do not have enough substance to rely on in any deeper way.

Stephan currently lives in Washington DC with his wife Beverly. He has two adult children, a son and daughter with whom he maintains a close relationship. Stephen says he went through some tough times with marriage and parenting, and feels that he would’ve done much better if he had a tribe of men to pass the lore of manhood down to him.

Stephen Mansfield’s Parting Piece of Wisdom

Stephen says that men often don’t realize the power of their words, but almost every man remembers something a significant man said in his life that has echoed in his soul ever since. Telling your children that you love them and believe in them will ensure that they don’t think negatively about themselves or let others treat them badly.

Words fashion destinies.

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Ryan Michler is the creator of the Order of Man Community and Podcast, which teaches men how to live with purpose, achieve self-mastery, and create a legacy. Today he tells why it’s important for men to become part of a tribe and how that tribe will help you become a better man.

Ryan Michler and the Order of Man

Ryan Michler’s father left when he was three-years-old. His first step dad was an alcoholic, and though he wasn’t abusive, he was not present as a parent. His second stepfather was successful, but emotionally abusive, controlling, and manipulative. Still, Ryan didn’t didn’t know what a good dad was supposed to be, so he didn’t know what he was missing. It wasn’t until high school when he saw how his friends’ dads’ behaved that he became aware of the void in his life.

This lack of a father caused Ryan to suffer from a lack of confidence and self-esteem issues. He wanted to be liked and accepted by everyone and changed himself to fit in. After his first marriage failed, he endured the darkest time of his life. He knew he wasn’t operating like a man should. This convinced him to go to work on improving himself.

Now Ryan Michler has been married for twelve years and is a father of four kids. As a dad who grew up without a true father figure, he saw a huge need for learning about what it means to be a man. He started Order of Man to form a tribe of men who can learn from each other and support one another.

Why do men need a tribe?

Women are there for us in a nurturing way, but sometimes we tough love and the insights of other men who have gone what we’ve gone through. Men get emotionally attached to their situations and decisions, it’s difficult to look at our own problems objectively. We need a third-party perspective to give us advice when our thoughts and feelings are clouding our judgement.

How does a tribe work?

Men are raised to be self-reliant and wary of people. We hate to expose our weaknesses or admit when we’re not on top of everything. A tribe is a safe place to share fears and worries about subjects we don’t normally talk about. When we’re going through a time of uncertainty and weakness, we can turn to those with the qualities we’re lacking and learn from them. When we’re feeling strong in life, we can help others by sharing how we’ve overcome a similar experience.

How do we find a tribe?

Operating in packs is how men thrive. To be strong, we need to tie into other people, but it’s up to us to seek out a tribe and be consistent. Ryan suggest dipping your toe in the water. Look at your immediate circle. Who is doing well in areas you’re struggling with? Ask for advice where you see strength in others. Share something light and then build on that. You can also start by joining an online tribe like Order of Man and The Good Dad Project.

Ryan Michler’s Parting Piece of Dad Wisdom

Don’t ever use your kids and family as an excuse not to take care of yourself.

This sounds selfish at first, but it’s actually the most unselfish thing you can do. If you’re constantly draining yourself, you won’t have the mental or physical energy to be a good dad or husband. Begin burned out all the time will build resentment and put a strain on your marriage.

Ryan recommends carving out a time to get together with other men doings something you enjoy. Schedule it in advance. Communicate it to your wife and family so they are in on it you won’t feel guilty about taking time for yourself. He also says it won’t work if you just go through the motions. Give your attention fully to the activity so you’re invigorated and mentally restored when you come home. Then you’ll have refilled your tank so you can serve others again.

RESOURCES

==>NEW!!<== Grab a copy of The Dad’s Edge AUDIOBOOK on iTunes or Audible

Strategic Gifts are what we call “Thoughtful Thoughts.” Giftology author John Ruhlin tells us about the science of strategic gift giving and how it can galvanize your business and personal relationships for years to come.

About John Ruhlin

John Ruhlin is the founder of The Ruhlin Group, a gift logistics company that helps clients like the Chicago Cubs, Wells Fargo, Caesar’s Entertainment, Miami Dolphins, Morgan Stanley, and The John Maxwell Company execute year-round gifting strategies.

John’s unique approach to relationships led him to become the #1 salesman for a $250 Million direct sales company. He now speaks widely about strategic gifting and relationship building and helps CEOs and sales teams drive referrals and open doors to elusive decision makers.

John Ruhlin’s Story

John Ruhlin grew up on an Ohio farm milking goats. An overachiever all his life, John didn’t know exactly what he wanted to do. All he did know was that he didn’t want to be working on a farm for the rest of his life.

John Ruhlin says it only takes one mentor to change your life. As a young man, his mentor was his girlfriend’s dad who showed him what happens with acts of radical generosity. When John got an internship with the Cutco knife company, he achieved great success, not by selling knives, but by applying the psychology of deepening relationships by giving strategic gifts.

Now John Ruhlin sends out $250,000 a year in gifts, spending $200-500 per gift. This may sound crazy, but he says that his prospects’ time is worth that much. His small eight-person firm has landed monstrous companies by radical generosity, and when you take into account how much you might spend on restaurants and events entertaining prospects, Ruhlin’s gift expenditures are not so out of proportion. Colleagues, associates, and clients may not remember the steak they ate or the wine they drank, but a treasured gift will make them remember you again and again. It may be mind-blowing, but it’s actually smarter to reallocate resources for generous gifts instead of spending on trade shows or expensive dinners.

The Philosophy of Giftology

Did you know that giving strategic gifts can make a huge difference in your work and family life? For most men, trying to think of thoughtful gifts feels awkward. This is why guys usually ask wives to choose the gifts. So how can you choose a gift that will leave a meaningful impression that lasts?

The last thing people need is more crap. Most of us are overwhelmed by stuff we don’t need or want. But we all have room in our lives for more artifacts – the types of gifts you would save from a fire or pass down as an heirloom. This type of gifting is not a new idea. It’s old school. Our grandfathers and fathers did it. We’ve just forgotten.

Gifting Fundamentals

Get the spouse and family in on it – Knives are used every day in a family’s home to prepare food. This is a very intimate ritual and that is why John has had such success in selling engraved knives. His gifts became part of people’s lives. He says “try to find a gift that becomes part of the fabric of the being of that person.”

Make everyone look better – Giving gifts that make an executive look like a hero in front of his wife will win you extra points. Likewise, giving your wife an extraordinary surprise in front of one of her friends will amplify the effect of the gift that much more

No logo or promotional slogans – Adding branding or contact info to a gift defaces it.

No strings attached – Don’t cheapen the thought be hinting at getting something in return. Make it about the other person and they’ll put the spotlight on you.

More Strategic Gift Tips

Personalize the gift with the recipient’s and the spouse’s or family’s name.

Make sure the gift is accompanied by a handwritten note.

Make sure the gift is the best in its class and will last a lifetime or more.

Gifting your family

It’s more difficult to gift on a personal side, and John Ruhlin admits that he was horrible at gifting his wife, but he also says that men don’t really suck at gifting. They just suck at putting time and attention towards it.

Strategic Gift Tips for Family

Gift according to love language – Does your spouse appreciate your time, experiences, time for herself? What are those things your kids always want to do that you never have time for?

Gift outside normal times – Giving a gift on Christmas and birthdays is expected. Giving gifts on a random day has more impact because it’s not obligatory.

Take notes throughout the year – John Ruhlin listens to his wife and kids whenever they mention things they might like and uses Evernote to save gift ideas for later.

Parting wisdom on being a good dad

John Ruhlin is a traveling entrepreneur and a husband, but he also has three little girls all under the age of 5. As a family, they devote a lot of time and attention to cultivating faith.

He, like many parents, sometimes wondered if it’s sticking, but he has seen the power of pouring in core values at a super early age. His advice is that children’s minds can process much more complex concepts than we give them credit for. “Don’t treat them like they can’t understand.”

RESOURCES

==>NEW!!<== Grab a copy of The Dad’s Edge AUDIOBOOK on iTunes or Audible

Connect with John Ruhlin

https://gooddadproject.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/GDP_Episode85_SITE.jpg315830Christa Wojciechowskihttps://gooddadproject.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/GDP-enfold-header-logo.pngChrista Wojciechowski2016-11-13 20:00:162016-11-13 00:21:24The Art of Giftology: Energize Your Business and Personal Life With Strategic Gifts with John Ruhlin

At the GDP, we’ve had story after story of men overcoming numerous challenges, only to become stronger men and better fathers. Through all of these stories, the common thread is grit and determination. In this episode, we talk with Eric Davis, Navy SEAL and author of Raising Men, continues this trend and brings a fresh perspective on how to become the best version of yourself as a father.

Eric Davis on the Seal Way of Life

Eric explains how the principles from his SEAL training gave him the keys to be the best father he can be. As observers, we, as the general public, see images of SEALs in film or TV, we are only exposed to the exciting and heroic moments. What isn’t revealed, Eric says, is dealing with the times when he has to be away on deployment, no phone calls, no contact with family. It takes a certain discipline, on his behalf and that of his family, to deal with those times.

Embrace Failure

One of the principles Eric Davis uses is to embrace failure. This seems counterintuitive for a SEAL, but it is exactly what they do. Instead of sulking over a loss or failed mission, they look at what they can learn from it and move on (sound familiar? Attitude of gratitude?). Apply this to your life: we aren’t perfect as humans-we will make mistakes. So, what better lesson to teach our kids when life does not go as planned, to take the failure and deliberately turn it in to a lesson on how to approach similar future situations.

Eric Davis on Leading from the Front

Be a winner. Eric says that in the SEALs, when they are training there are multiple drills run. They compete against each other, even in training, and when they don’t complete first or second, they are made to continue the grueling workout. So why don’t we do the same with ourselves? In other words, continue to improve. This way, when our kids see ourselves continuing to strive for our best selves, they will do the same.

Take Care of YOU

It’s ok to focus on you. Too many times as dads, we are driven to continue to provide for our families, often to our own detriment. And what does that teach our kids? That life is over when you have a family? As men, we still need to feed our own needs for self-care and strong friendships. It’s the common scenario of making sure you take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.

It doesn’t take Navy SEAL training to be a great dad; it takes the drive and desire to want to better yourself on a daily basis. It takes showing up for your kids on your toughest days.