SCENE: The G-20 private meeting between Trump and Putin in Hamburg, Germany. The two men meet, as promised, without aides or translators.

PUTIN: Comrade Trump! It is so good that we finally meet! Congratulations on your enormous electoral college victory!

TRUMP: I don’t get enough credit for that, Vladimir. People say that you deserve the credit for it.

PUTIN: Sad. But down to business. You have the list of CIA assets I requested?

TRUMP: Sure. (passes over a folder)

PUTIN: And it will be just as I said. The Russian government just wants to reward these brave citizens for their service. They will be given the traditional Glory of Spying medal, which consists of a small bit of lead worn in the back of the head. (Opens folder, glances inside) Hey! This is a list of the 2012 Academy Awards winners!

TRUMP: It’s what the head of the CIA gave me. (takes it back) Huh! Who would’ve thought Jennifer Lawrence was a spy?

PUTIN: You have been tricked, Mr. President. In Russia, this would be punished by years in the Gulag.

TRUMP: In America, we punish by Twitter, President Putin. These losers will pay, I promise you.

PUTIN: I hope so, comrade. In the meantime, the missile retargeting?

TRUMP: All carried out, Vladimir. You didn’t really say where you wanted the missiles to go, so we pointed most of them at Mexico. Saved a few for Canada and France. I hate countries with boyish, charismatic* leaders, don’t you?

PUTIN: Indeed. That will be fine. You have the “football?”

TRUMP: (complaining) I have to carry it everywhere. Lucky it fits in a golf cart.

PUTIN: May I see it? (Trump hands over a black, rectangular object) Where are the launch codes? (presses a few buttons)

TRUMP: Some of those grandstanders in the Pentagon told me to be careful with the buttons, Vlad.

PUTIN: Hey! This is an xBox!

TRUMP: It is? I must have accidentally switched it with Jared. He loves carrying the nuclear codes. Busts in on Sean Spicer all the time, points a finger at it, and says "Boom!" One of the few things left that still makes Spicer crap his pants.

PUTIN: (sternly) I don't want an xBox! I have already achieved the highest score possible in Resident Evil while playing with my shirt off! This is useless to me!

TRUMP: A bigly bad on my part, President. I will get the other one for our next summit. In the meantime, you have the tapes?

PUTIN: (passes over a DVD. Trump fits it in to a computer. He calls Rex Tillerson in to show him how to play it, then dismisses the Secretary of State by handing him five dollars and saying “Go get yourself a hot dog, or something”)

TRUMP: (staring at the screen) Hey, this a recording of Miss Universe Moscow!

PUTIN: Yes, and you can clearly see you sneaking into the dressing room while the girls are putting on their swimsuits.

TRUMP: But that’s not the tape you promised me!

PUTIN: Gotcha, Comrade. It has been a good summit. It is the best time I have had in Germany since I worked for the KGB, selling steroids to their Olympic team.

TRUMP: But the real tapes!

PUTIN: Unfortunately, we can’t give them up, my friend. We force the ISIS fighters we capture to watch them until they beg us to cut their eyes out. A blind terrorist is a helpless terrorist. You are helping us win the war on Islam, comrade.

TRUMP: But what if they all get put on YouTube?

PUTIN: If that happened, and I were you, I would tell them it was the secret plan you had all along.

*This is satire. The author does not mean to imply that Trump actually uses the word “charismatically,” or even knows what it means or can pronounce it correctly.

I understand that Trump greeted Putin with, "It's an honor to meet you".....to which Putin replied (in Russian, of course)), "Loser!" -- which the interpreter translated as, "You got that right!" Then they talked about women for the rest of their meeting. We don't know specifically what was said, but it was noticed that occasional winks were exchanged.

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Ricardo

7/7/2017 04:17:00 pm

The world's a better place, I feel, if they spent the whole two hours bragging about how much ass they get, Sr. Muse

Wow! You get the transcript out fast, before the principals even finish the last handshake! LOL Gotta give you credit though; after Pineapple Crush I can really appreciate your versatility!

Mark

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Richard

7/7/2017 04:19:58 pm

Muchas gracias, Senor Scheel. To be honest, I'm really getting sick of writing about the Bullshitter-in-Chief, but I feel obligated. I got offered a job with the National Cat Protection Society today (I am not making this up) and may take it just to glean material.

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THE BIG NEWS!PINEAPPLE CRUSH, my second hard-boiled mystery novel, has been released as of October 12th, 2017 by Black Rose Writing. You can order here and on Amazon