I’ve Lived Then, Let’s Try Living Now.

For too long now I think I’ve taken to long term planning….everything.

I’ve always needed to know where things are going, how things should be, needed to know if it was worth it, whether there was any point to my current actions to warrant me doing something and carrying on for something. Living in the “now” was something other people did, other people who could obviously manage themselves better and were abel to have a good time, so I wanted and tried to plan like that.

To the point where enjoying myself went out the window quite frankly. I couldn’t relax in anything, without knowing, a full plan, a full sequence of events, whether the decision I was making now, would be worth it in the long run. (we aren’t talking red wire/blue wire stuff here by the way, I mean social, relationship, nights out, entertainment, non work type stuff)

Which is strange frankly, as when I’m at work, the unknown is what I deal with, and going ashore in the badlands of bizarre shithole ports is a speciality subject of mine, the aftermath of which is usually reserved for sharing with select company, over select drink, in hushed tones of revered reverence.

But I suspect – in fact know, that things have come to a head. I’ve let this overwhelming concern for my longterm future in minuscule aspects of my life, ruin, sometimes, parts that really should have been fun and stuff.

So now……now stuff has happened – which through spending near enough all my life on twitter for the last 4.5 years, I have learnt is none of your concern, I need secrets, I need a private life, regardless of what it is about – something has happened that’s made me realise, living for now, taking something at face value, and just enjoying the moment, is good, damn it it’s even healthy.

I get caught up in the details, caught up in wondering if a badly pronounced word is enough to ruin an entire night. If cough in the middle of someones conversation will give off the impression I am not interested.

I need to, want to, and finally am I think, becoming someone who can enjoy himself in a moment in time. Without looking for cause for concern. Without being so worried about the future, that the future is killed off.

Because that’s just suicide of the soul, just one tiny slice at a time.