Religion Hearts Newborn Penii

The whole male circumcision debate is, frankly, one I do not care about. Both sides of the argument make enough sense to me that, for the most part, I just pick the opposite position of the overly-passionate soul arguing with me about it. Yes, it's a barbaric and outdated practice. But maybe getting rid of that extra smegma-collecting skin helps prevent infection? And perhaps some ladies prefer a less anteater-looking penis?

Whatever. I have no horse in this race. I've spent 30 years sans foreskin and I'm doing fine, but it must certainly be horrific to give the thumbs-up to a doctor to take his knife to your son's private bits. So my ultimate opinion on this one is: Do what you want and stay out of everyone else's affairs.

But. Did you read this humdinger-of-a-story in the New York Times about the two-week-old who died after contracting Type 1 herpes from his rabbi's mouth during a Hebrew ritualistic circumcision? I know, that's a lot to take in. Full details, again, are here; just read it.

Now do me a favor and re-read that headline: “Baby's Death Renews Debate Over a Circumcision Ritual.” That middle part, where it uses the word “debate,” that's where it gets a bit disconcerting. (I mean, aside from the revelation that rabbis remove foreskin with their mouths!)

There are plenty of weird religious practices taking place at any given moment in between the boundaries of our great and eagle-laden America. And they're allowed because of our glorious Constitution and the “freedom of religion” contained within. That ripped-from-the-headlines practice in Mormonia of baptizing the undead for their post-apocalyptic army or whatever? Without a doubt, it's insane. And there's a moral gray area of whether or not living people should be making decisions for the dead. But, really, putting a dead person on a special kind of list that says, “Guess what, you're a Mormon now, no take-backs!” isn't really going to make their day a bummer. So debate that one away. Have at it.

But there are certain practices that we have to apply some kind of common sense algorithm to instead of just giving it the blanket “it's just a quirk in their religion” shrug. Say, a practice where a grown man uses his mouth to remove the severed foreskin of a newborn baby? In what other realm than the Great State of Religion would an activity like that not only be allowed but, if not fully accepted, also be argued and discussed without its constituents being branded as insane?

Which is all a long way of saying, hey, dudes, stop sucking on kid dicks just because scripture says it’s fine.

Onto the roundup!

- Like a lazy work-from-home analyst who checks into the office once every few months so his boss doesn't think he's basically paying the kid to jerk off at home, Pat Robertson checked in again to say that marijuana should be legalized (yeah!), but also that you shouldn't go to your gay sister's wedding (boo!), and that Midwesterners lost their houses to tornadoes because they didn't pray enough (double boo!).

- Kirk Cameron, a one-time famous person, said that homosexuality is “unnatural” and “ultimately destructive to so many of the foundations of civilization.” Time to rip those Tiger Beat posters off your walls, ladies.

- At a police checkpoint in Russia, a suicide-bombing by a “black widow” Islamist insurgent—the “black widow” part an unnecessarily badass designation for a woman whose husband was killed in religious fighting—left five policeman dead.

- The Utah legislature passed a fun bill that lets schools skip teaching sex education, or if they do teach, they have to teach it in a contraceptive-free/abstinence-only way. Unrelated but worth pointing out again: Utah residents watch more porn than anyone else in America.

- GOP candidates in Laurens County, South Carolina will be required to sign pledges proving they're “the right kind” of Republicans. Among the items on the pledge: (1) being anti-abortion; (2) loving guns of any shape and size; (3) no sex before marriage; (4) no adultery; (5) no same-sex marriage; and best of all (6) no pornography of any kind. Good luck, y’all!