Good Morning, News!

Barack Obama accuses the McCain camp of "lies and phony outrage" after they accused him of saying a sexist comment about Sarah Palin. Wow, pretty soon the Republicans will be leading "Intro to Feminism" seminars.

A new study reports that the Twin Towers fell because "at high temperatures, tiny irregularities in a steel's structure can disrupt its internal magnetic fields, making the rigid metal soft." So, there you go, 9/11 conspiracy wackos! It really was an "inside job!"

Scientists celebrate the successful launch of their particle smashing machine -- but where's this "new universe" you keep bragging about, nerds? (That's NOT gonna get you laid.)

A judge in Lancaster, Kentucky sent a girl to jail for wearing "Daisy Dukes" to court. And yes, the following hilarious news report is 100% real!