July 8, 2010

"It’s very difficult in our society to untangle hardwiring from installed wiring."

The Huntington News (Northeastern University)

Another college newspaper explains what poly is about (or tries to), follows the usual formula of quoting happy practitioners and a hostile shrink, and talks to some Northeastern students-on-the-street who really don't get it.

Try to ignore the grammar and style. The whole article is saved, as far as I'm concerned, by Poly Boston activist Tom Amoroso's quote headlined above.

A Whole Lotta Love

By Marian Daniells

...Polyamory, literally meaning “loving many,” is the practice of having more than one open relationship at a time.... [Loving More] clarifies that the unconventional lifestyles are characterized by open communication and consent between all participants.

Polyamorous relationships can range from single individuals who are involved in many relationships to complex networks of adults committed to one or more consenting partners. As with conventional relationships, all polyamorous relationships are different.

“The point of our relationship is that we all seem to care for one another and work well with one another,” said Amaroso [sic], who joined the polyamorist lifestyle in 1999 and has been a member of PolyBoston ever since.

...Dr. Dan Pollets, a sex therapist from Medford, argues that polyamorists are prompted by different intentions.

“People are motivated to have their cake and eat it, too,” he said. But Amaroso said that “that’s very largely not the point…I would argue that sex is the least important part of polyamory. It’s a lot more about relationships.”

Pollets, who has more than 30 years of experience working with families and couples, advocates that conventional relationships are still most beneficial to all involved. The “pair bond,” as he calls it, “is the most adaptive, evolutionarily designed relationship.... There are some underlining psychological issues that make it difficult to be truly intimate with more than one person,” said Pollets, “People tend to get attached; that’s our hardwiring.”

...Some Students around Northeastern, however, are still a bit skeptical.

“It just seems to defeat the purpose of having a girlfriend or boyfriend,” said Andrew Bates, a middler mechanical engineering major. “I don’t think I’d try it.”

Joe Gonsalles, a middler mechanical engineering major, agrees. “I wouldn’t consider [polyamory] because it’s against the culture we have been taught…to grow up and get married,” he said. “It just sounds outlandish.”

“It’s very difficult in our [society] to untangle hardwiring from installed wiring,” Amaroso said. He claims that communication and honestly are the factors that make poly relationships work.

“It’s not as though there are no rules at all. It’s just that there are different rules,” he said.

Here's another recent college story, from The Western Front at the University of Western Washington:

The Promiscuity Pendulum

by Andrea Farrell

....McKenzie identifies as polyamorous, meaning she has multiple romantic relationships at once with different people. However, when it comes to numbers, McKenzie said she has had fewer partners than the average serial monogamist.

“Some people have four or five partners a year, but all in a row,” she said. “I have a serious long-term boyfriend of seven years. I often refer to him as my wife and call my other partners my mistresses.”

...McKenzie said she has noticed a rise in the admission of polyamory in recent years. Attitudes are changing about the once-frowned-upon polyamory scene. Many people are opening up about their open relationships, she said, and still more are putting off marriage until later in life....

While the Health Center encourages all sexually active students to use condoms in order to prevent STD transmission, in the polyamory scene, they are a must....

...McKenzie said most people accept her polyamorous lifestyle, but it is not for everyone. To be in multiple relationships takes time, communication skills and a genuine love of people.

“I’m poly because I’m a romantic,” she said. “Who doesn’t love that initial stage of a relationship when you’re unsure whether the other person feels the same way and are full of that amazing chemical giddiness?”

She said she does not want to have to sacrifice this feeling for the sake of a partner’s jealousy or insecurity.

“This person should be your partner in crime for all of your sexual adventures,” she said. “Not some sort of ball-and-chain, or lockdown situation. If your relationship is like that, you’re in a bad one.”

Andrews said that whatever you choose to do or not do, openness is the key to a happy love life.

“I am a big advocate for open expression and communication,” she said. “If we were more open and honest and healthy about our sexualities, we wouldn’t have so many problems.”