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Friday, March 11, 2011

Things My Wife Complains About #18: Dropping Things

The first trimester was exciting, the second trimester was mostly pleasant, and the third trimester is scary and uncomfortable. A major problem is that my wife always drops things (she's less coordinated now) and has no way of picking them up (she is the shape of a cartoon snake in the middle of digesting a small mammal). Rather than do something helpful like pick things up for her, I instead started an "Oh No Diary," named for the sound she makes every time something relatively minor goes wrong (spoken like Minnie Mouse finding out Donald Duck is coming over for dinner and, despite her repeated requests, duckin' it). Here are a few diary entries, starting with the drops:

Dropped tissue beneath couch

Dropped photograph on floor

Broke nail

Moved pillow

Found clothes on top of dry cleaning bag

Got butter on toaster

Then to chronicle this special time in our lives, I started augmenting the "Oh No Diary" with choice third trimester quotes, such as the following:

"Skittles.com sucks."

"Can you get a napkin fast before the syrup goes down my shirt!"

"WHY DID YOU TAKE THE REMOTE CONTROL FROM ME?"

Note: The answer to the former was "no" and the latter "because you asked me to change the channel."

Possible Solutions!

1) Never get more than six inches off the ground, so as to keep everything within reach

2) Live in an MC Escher print where gravity will eventually send whatever you dropped back down to you