Monday Interview: Reinventing The Meal

Crack interview journalist, Charlie Michaels, checks in from the trenches of the Portland food world. This is, of course, a spoof. Her report:

Ever since Edward Chumleigh-Jensen-Smythe-Haskell and his wife, Tanya, exploded on the Portland dining scene a few months ago, the cognoscenti in our fair burg have been all atwitter. The reason: an exciting new definition of food is at hand. Eddie, as his friends call him, is a golden-haired, second-generation local at age 19. Tanya, an hour-glass shaped beauty a few years younger than her hub, is also a native, named after Portland’s most notorious has-been Olympian turned drunken thug and hapless boxer. Together, the two have taken the town–and the nation–by storm with startlingly fresh ideas about what we can and should be putting in our mouths and swallowing.

The launchpad for their creative endeavor, dubbed BOUNTYWITHOUTBOUNDARIES or (“BWB”), was the space out back of the Union 76 station on West Burnside at Sixth Avenue. There–despite strong gasoline fumes–friends, family and an ever-growing circle of friends of friends, friends of friends of friends and the occasional homeless dude looking to score a fix gathered to partake in the Chumleigh-Jensen-Smythe-Haskells’ bold crusade to radically reorient our views of what we call food. Among the innovative offerings from the early days were sandwiches made with actual Oregon coast sand, locally produced hop pellets and a pureed fish bone whip crafted entirely from the spinal columns of hook-and-line caught wild Chinook salmon.

The writer was fortunate to have caught up with the young food revolutionaries for a chat during a brief lull in their maelstrom of a schedule. When we spoke, Edward had just returned from a London-New York-Des Moines swing where he was interviewed by editors of several national food publications, including “Grub and Grog,” “Gourmand” and “Eating Good.”

Right after our discussion, Edward and Tanya forked east and west, respectively, to pitch publishers their newly-completed paean to the BWB movement. Entitled “Eat Shit And Die,” the masterpiece checks in at a hefty 850 pages. The first half comprises a detailed exploration of the philosophy underlying the movement. Included is an exhaustive account of Edward’s early travels with his parents, both former Rajneeshees who adopted a form of rigorous nomadic asceticism after the collapse of the infamous Eastern Oregon commune. Although the painstaking narrative is slow going, the patient reader’s reward is a clear understanding–and admiration–of the charismatic young couple who have helped us learn to enjoy goat saliva, live earth worms and Douglas fir shavings as part of our diet. The second half of the book is a collection of notable BWB formulations (the word “recipes,” I am told, is a no-no) which are startlingly easy to prepare even if some of the ingredients are a bit difficult to obtain.

Highlights from the interview:

Would you mind if I called you Eddie?

EH: I wish I could say yes, but no. It’s, like, ya know, we are trying to do something special and kinda unique. . .refocusing people in terms of what is considered food. So, um, like, I feel like I need to be given some respect for the unique and special kinda thing we are doing. But, you can call me Ed.

TH: I’d like to be called Tanya.

Right. Understood. I suppose the obvious question is where did the BWB idea originate?

EH: When you say “originate,” I’m not really sure what you mean. . .because the revolution we have started was totally my. . .er, our idea. But, um, like, ya know, we did get some inspiration from other sources.

Such as?

EH: Well, um, I’d really rather not say.

TH: Oh, Eddie, don’t be so secretive. We were hangin’ out at some friends’ house last New Year’s doing bong hits through some really righteous champagne we stole from Eddie’s parents and caught an episode of “The Jetsons” on Cartoon Network. And, like, they were eating these pills for food instead regular food, so that got us thinking. Cuz, like, we were looking for an idea that would make us mucho coin so we could, like, retire when we were 30 and travel around a lot or just sorta hang out and watch TV whenever we felt like it.

EH: And now that she’s spilled it, when, um, I was moving around all the time with the raisins for a few years after the commune thing had blown up, we pretty much ate whatever we could find out in the desert or on the beach or wherever we pitched the teepee. The raisins had pretty much given all their money to the Bagman dude and we were pretty broke. And, well, like, ya know, there was a lot of stuff that wasn’t so bad. This is all off the record, though, ya know. Do you consider yourselves food revolutionaries in the same sense as the so-called deconstructionists, such as Ferran Adrià of El Bulli or Grant Ashcatz at Alinea?

EH: I hate to, like, sound rude, but, ya know, those guys are nothing special as far as I’m concerned. I’d probably give them credit as being above average line cook types, but that’s about it. I mean, well, um, ya know, they’re just doing fancy stuff with regular food. Anybody with a microwave and a blast freezer could do it. Their dishes don’t compare philosophically or in terms of originality with what we are doing.

Have you ever actually eaten at either of these restaurants?

EH: No time. We’re busy building a unique and special empire here. Ever since I was a kid, I knew I had a special mission on this earth and, like, um, ya know, I have been working ever since to keep my focus and be, like, a leader and a teacher, ya know, kinda like jesus. What about your detractors, members of the food community and some others who say you are an arrogant, obnoxious, self-indulgent little bastard?

TH: That’s, like, so unfair. If they only knew Eddie like I do. He’s not obnoxious.

EH: They can eat my dirt, like my customers who pay me lots of money do. Instead of criticizing me, they should be thanking me for showing them the way out of complacency and sameness. I deserve their gratitude and respect. I know those people are really jealous of what we have created and our success. I can’t tell you enough how proud I am of what we are doing and how special and unique it is.

Rumors of investor upset and financial trouble in the BWB world have been circulating recently. Are the rumors true or false?

TH: Like, where are you hearing this garbage? Are you, like, getting this on one of those pathetic little foodie websites? Those people are such, like, total losers. They aren’t even hip enough to get into a BWB event, so what the hell do they know?

EH: The investors still love me, er. . .us. Everything is, um, well, fine financially. We are planning some changes in our offerings, but that’s related to our chef’s recent trip through the back country of Iceland and around the Shetland Islands, and he wants to showcase some of the special foods he experienced on the trip. The changes have nothing to do with any financial problems despite, um, ya know, what some people who are out to get me might be saying.

Can you share a little of the new menu?

EH: Well, um, one thing I will. It’s deeply thematic in addition to being unique and special. Definitely attuned to my. . .er, our vision. It involves a super-chilled, irregularly shaped flat piece of stark white marble for service. On top, there will be small, stark white mounds of snow and salt, surrounding a small square of stark white raw seal blubber. We have been working really, really hard to pair the crystalline structure of the two or three different types of snow and salt we want to use to achieve a magical symmetry on the plate and palate. Most of our snow is coming from different peaks in the Cascades. We are getting the salt from our friend Jim Dixon who is local. This dish totally rocks–totally magical and amazing. Our original working title was “Stark White,” but we are probably going to change it to something a little more original like, “The Crystalline Entity.” Our customers and the New York press are going to love it.

It does sound unique and very BWB. Last question since your personal escorts are looking at me and making little slashing motions across their throats. . .if someone new wants to attend a BWB gathering how can that be done?

EH: Well, um, ya know, I’m not going to give out all that information here. Let me just say that if you are interested in coming to one of our events, send an e-mail to me at genius@bountywithoutboundaries.com along with a résumé, recent financial statement and a paragraph or two about why you would like to attend. Our people will get back to you.

Related

About Michael Charles

Bread baker, farmers market maven, and reluctant raconteur, with a laser-focus on fine food. These are the characteristics contributor Michael Charles brings to this blog. Mr. Charles is a Portland native who remembers Yaw's, Mr. C's Hippopotamus, and Henry Thiele's. He likes to eat stinky cheese and almost all animal parts. Restaurants that don't take reservations make him cranky, as do poor service, inadequate seasoning, and vegan pastries. His food-related passion extends to the works of the great food writers from Brillat-Savarin to Jeff Steingarten, both lawyers. By trade, Michael is a lawyer too. Coincidence? You decide.

Reader Interactions

32 comments:

…diners can sip on fortified wines like Mad Dog (a.k.a. MD 20/20), available in both a grape Red and Orange Jubilee flavor, as well as malt liquors like Mickey’s grenades and 22-ouncers of Olde English 800.

Three guesses as to where you’ll find those offerings when you belly up to the bar…

I had the BWB degustation menu while sitting on the curb out behind the gas station. As opposed to a conventional seven-course tasting, Edward just came up to me and said “You wish!” seven times. He then presented me with a “bill” that was a series of symbols written in used motor oil on the back of a flyer from the Paris Theater. Then “he who should be properly referred to” came up to me, slapped me upside the head and said “get out”.

Is this guy is for real!?! What an absolute punk and his little wife who supports his stupidity. What about a shred of graciousness and maturity? Are they adults or little children? Interesting interview though….

“there comes a point when any debate gets old. When people say the same things over and over, and personal attacks come into the picture”

and also

“The rules have been set out here many times: No name calling, no below the belt, personal attacks”

This latest “interview” seems childish and poorly thought-out at best. I’m surprised that this sort of cheap and easy “criticism” is being published by someone who routinely calls out Mattew Stadler (along with the entire ripe crew) for being pretentious. All of sudden, we have a case of the skinny kid with mussed-up hair calling the guy with the white belt a hipster.

In other words: Your credibility starts to slip (maybe not amongst those with a less-than-clear understanding of “journalism”), and we don’t want that to happen.

Yes, it is my blog. I have the right to post whatever the heck I want to, and edit out any comments that annoy me. People that don’t like it certainly have alternatives.

I don’t feel this piece is below the belt. It is sad that you are so sensitive, and so worried about being PC, you can’t see the humor in it. This article is not an attack on any particular person, but rather poking fun at the level of pomposity that some restaurantures nationwide have risen to.

As far as your other comment, I have not deleted a single comment on this post, so I don’t understand where you are getting “What you’re doing now is akin to not publishing letters-to-the-editor with regards to an op-ed piece”. I think I’ve deleted 3-4 comments in the 10 months this blog has been in existence.

I agree, Joe. FD certainly can’t wiggle out with a Bart Simpson-esque “I didn’t do it.” But then, I think you’re taking a relatively harmless satirical piece and painting it as something much more acrid than it is.

That said, I do agree that the whole ripe soap has become rather tired. Partly because of PR overload from them, but partly because of months of people’s petty bitching about them.

Who cares at this point? I’m much more interested in the changes in the menu and the new direction the restaurant is taking. I think that Michael’s piece would have been more entertaining for me a couple months ago. It’s smartly written, just a little out of date, imo. (And it drags on a bit long with essentially the same joke — to nitpick.)

You’re hardly off the hook here. This is YOUR blog, correct? You ARE the moderator, right? I mean, it WAS you that halted comments about ripe just a few weeks ago, true?

My point is, if you’re willing to halt (admitedly hostile) comments from readers under the guise of “class”- i.e. no “below the belt” insults here- than you should take the same stance as editor/publisher. What you’re doing now is akin to not publishing letters-to-the-deitor with regards to an op-ed piece.

And as far as your hands being clean, well… history hasn’t remembered Pilate is too fondly, now has it?

Good Lord! You’ve hit it on the head! I LOVE FAMILY GUY. Pokes fun at everyone and everything, nothing is sacrosanct, nothing PC. I think you’ve just given me a huge complement without meaning to. Heck, I have my backup Tivo set to record it in case my primary Tivo dies.

I don’t remember your dad even being in that piece, I’ll have to go back and read it again, but if so that explains your indignation… actually reading back it kinda seems like a plug. Would you feel better if I put in a link to his site? And by the way, don’t you think your dad is a big enough boy to defend himself on here? I’m kind of wondering if you are not the same person. Hmmmmm. ;)

Where are these emoticons you speak of? Reading back, I don’t see any. I dislike the damn things and rarely use them.

I’m refering to when you deleted comments for posessing an attitude which you dismissed as “below the belt”, and then published a piece echoing those very same deleted comments.

Forgive me, perhaps I AM being too sensitive. But thinly-veiled slander is hardly akin to greater social satire- no matter how much you insist it isn’t about anyone in particular (though I think your “interviewer” forgot to make up clever name for my dad)- and cutesty emoticons do not a journalist make.

Don’t get me wrong- I like to laugh as much as the next guy, and being “PC” is something I rarely think about. But there IS a difference between funny and stupid, kinda like there’s a difference between “The Simpsons” and “Family Guy”. But, you know, I guess the “Family Guy” is pretty popular, so maybe you’ve found your niche.

I love this blog. I check in constantly because the Food Dude (FD) posts are wonderful as are a remarkably high percentage of the posts.

That said… this thread seems out of place. FD can post anything by anybody and I’m all for that. This thread, however, seems more like an inside joke which directs even more ridicule towards Ripe/Gotham et al. (as additional posts have helped clarify). If SOME explanation of the thread’s meaning or a clue to its context had been given, I’d have less complaint, though not less concern.

I’ve never eaten at these establishments but I hear the food is great. I also hear that people on this blog tend to think the owners are pretentious and ridiculous. Fair enough. But after a couple (or so) threads about this, I start to wonder if personal issues are overtaking the culinary issues.

FD: You certainly don’t need MY permission (or anybody else’s) to post what you want to, but at least consider the flavor you want your blog to have. As for me, the anti-Ripe threads (not posts, but initiated threads) aren’t very tasteful.

Very respectfully,

Just Me

P.S. All Ripe aside, I just have to add… this site is, overall, a tremendous benefit to all those who care about food in the pdx area. You deserve the traffic, no doubt.

It’s become so clear- appeal to the lowest common denominator, question the motives and identity of your detractors, and cite artistic freedom when when you stumble over issues of ethical continuity. “Hmmmmm” indeed.

Look- I generally like your blog. I check it every day, and it is- more often than not- well written, entertaining and informative. It’s just dissapointing to come here and see something so obviously pointed and pretentious.

“It’s just dissapointing to come here and see something so obviously pointed and pretentious.”

Wasn’t that the whole point of this entry? to poke fun (albeit a bit sophmorishy) at those who take themselves and their art so seriously?

does david lettermen “own” every word a guest on his show says? and if that guest tells a joke that strikes a nerve with somebody…who cares? sure, *you* may be dissapointed, but click on another link, turn the channel.

Extra MSG, can you please stop taking everything like it is a personal attack! Obviously I know who you are in the internet world and what site you run! I think you probably have some little computer thingamajig that can show you the serious length of time between my posts on your site. I stopped for quite some time due to a distinctly bad taste of know-it-all-ness that comes up that makes posting and reading zero fun for me.

Then a similar boring bad vibe started happening here, so I made my comment. I cannot believe people are getting so vicious and rankled up over food, restuarants and eating. It is really stupid. I guess I need to stop posting, lest I get infected again with the bug.