October 31, 2004

Two Wishes

G-Rated

A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits,
the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll
have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's
yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change
for payment.

October 26, 2004

Bad memory, you say?

G-Rated

An 80-year-old couple was having problems remembering
things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked
out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the
doctor about the problems they were having with their
memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them
that they were physically okay but might want to start
writing things down and make notes to help them remember
things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

G-Rated

Not da Mama!

G-Rated

A Scotsman, an American, and an Irishman

PG-Rated

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

Anagrams are Fun

PG-Rated

October 23, 2004

The Solution

G-Rated

The owner of a well-established, very well-respected, third generation family
owned garment business met with his Board of Directors. Due to the recession,
business had been very bad. Sales were down and costs were up.

The owner and his wife had poured every penny they had back into the business
in the hope of keeping it afloat, but still things looked very precarious. The
Board of Directors offered no solutions, so as a last resort the owner decided
to seek advice from his Rabbi.

October 22, 2004

Shipwrecked

PG-Rated

October 21, 2004

Second Opinion

PG-Rated

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very
sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after
arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis
covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to
see a doctor.

Halloween Costumes

R-Rated

October 19, 2004

If condoms had sponsors...

R-Rated

October 18, 2004

Bubba's got two!

R-Rated

Bubba died in a fire and he was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together. Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, that ain't Bubba there." The mortician thought thist was rather strange.

False Teeth

G-Rated

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.

Two Women at the Pearly Gates

G-Rated

October 14, 2004

Cars and Computers

G-Rated

[This is an old, old classic that's been making the rounds again recently...]

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

Love Dress

PG-Rated

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang
the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on
the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume
filled the room.

Signs of the Times II

G-Rated

October 12, 2004

Blond Firing Line

G-Rated

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's
a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the
executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner
shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

October 11, 2004

Gorilla in heat

R-Rated

A small Alabama Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of
gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became
very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian
determined the problem The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse,
there was no male gorilla available.

Unusual Pets

G-Rated

October 10, 2004

The Hormone Hostage

PG-Rated

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man
has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a
handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of
every husband, boyfriend or significant other!

October 9, 2004

Her Side / His Side

PG-Rated

Her Side of the Story:

He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar
for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and
I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later
than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it.

October 8, 2004

I want to be a stud

G-Rated

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

Bumper Stickers

PG-Rated

October 7, 2004

Jim & Mary

PG-Rated

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly
jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there. Mary promptly
jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

Think You're Tough?

PG-Rated

October 5, 2004

Death Bed Confession

G-Rated

Joe was dying. His wife, Carol, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, with tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. Joe looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Carol," he whispered.

October 2, 2004

Grandpa

PG-Rated

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight when Grandpa found a
bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one
of the pills and the son said, "I don't think you should take one; they're very
strong and very expensive."