Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which the sweet juices of celebrity gossip from the pages of Life & Style, Us Weekly, inTouch, OK! and Star leave us nursing horrific hangovers and musing upon our many regrets. This week: someone is going to write a career-ruining tell-all about how Miley Cyrus secretly hooks up with women, Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake's marriage is in shambles, and Kim Kardashian flew into a berserker rage when Kanye opened a bag of cookies in front of her.

Life & Style

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MILEY'S SECRET LIFE EXPOSED

Someone in Miley Cyrus' inner circle — some unnamed person — could potentially write a tell-all about her SCANDALOUS ANTICS and ruin her career. The most scandalous of these antics, according to Life & Style? Miley is bisexual, she uses drugs frequently and she cheated on Liam Hemsworth repeatedly. This article is very gross because it consistently puts "lesbian hookups" on the same level as cheating on one's fiance, drug use and self harm [Fig 1]. The reports that Miley hooks up with girls are literally introduced under the heading "JUST HOW BAD COULD IT BE?" HOW BAD COULD IT BE???? MILEY PASSIONATELY MADE OUT WITH A WOMAN! THAT'S HOW BAD! If you want to spread a rumor that Miley Cyrus is bisexual, there are way better ways to do so. There's no need to get all homophobic about it. In other news ("HEATH NEWS," to be precise), Nicole Richie is "wasting away" to the extent that she resembles "a little boy." A weight-guessing expert puts her at around 96 pounds. She is probably having weight issues because of stress, the magazine postulates. Blergh. Moving on: John Mayer calls Katy Perry "wife" as a nickname, which definitely means that they're going to get married soon. I hope he and his groomsmen wear formal ponchos to the ceremony.

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GRADE: F- (waking up with a pentagram stick-n-poke on your butt)

Us

HOLLYWOOD'S SECRET DIETS: GET THIN FAST

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Faced with a slow news week, I guess, Us Weekly has decided to print a 20-page spread about all the "BEST DIETS." It is monstrously boring and possibly sponsored by juice fasts. If you were to cut out each individual time "post-baby body" was printed and line them all up, they would extend to the sun. In other news, Kate Bosworth and her new husband "made a pact to enjoy every moment" at their wedding, which is weird. I guess it's like pre-gaming making a pact to unite their souls in love or something? Will "warm-up pacts" be a thing in 2k14? And, elsewhere in the mag, Khloe Kardashian has put her romance with Matt Kemp (who is famous for doing a sport or something) on hold while she finalizes her divorce. HOWEVER, he was at her intimate holiday party with only 200 other people, so...

GRADE: F (throwing up outside of a crowded bathroom in Whole Foods en route to buying emergency Vitamin Water provisions)

Ok!

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JESSICA & JUSTIN'S MARRIAGE CRUMBLES

Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake's marriage is in shambles and she's secretly met with attorneys already, says a source. Justin has been distant on tour and also partying a lot, which has caused a lot of friction. Jess and JT haven't been photographed together since November 11 and she was suspiciously absent from his SNL afterparty, which a lot of people are taking as evidence of the endtimes. On the bright side, this article contains Best Tabloid Sentence of The Week: "She feels like a widow, and one of her closest pals she she was the 'loneliest housewife in Hollywood.'" Moving on: Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas have reunited after their separation, and they're both very happy now. Apparently their statement that they were "taking time apart" to "evaluate their marriage" was actually true and not some kind of euphemism for the prelude to a divorce. Good for them! Ok, enough good news, and back to obsessively speculating about celebrity weight loss: Kim Kardashian is allegedly only eating 600 calories a day, primarily in the form of steamed green vegetables. An insider reports that Kim "went crazy on Kanye a few days ago when he opened a package of cookies in front of her." I don't think this is true because Kanye is too good for packaged cookies. I feel strongly that he would only consume fresh-baked. In addition, Angelina Jolie is only consuming juices now. She is so busy that she doesn't have time to chew solid food. Every single tabloid is in a panic about it.

Jennifer Aniston and Kourtney Kardashian are both having relationship issues. Justin Theroux became tethered to Jen's star and thus wormed his way into the A-list, but now he's pulling away emotionally because he's so "caught up in everything that came along with being her boyfriend." He does not have bad intentions, the magazine alleges, but his heart has gotten all gobbled up by Hollywood. Conversely, Scott Disick does have bad intentions. He is selfishly throwing all of Kourtney Kardashian's money at strippers and golden watch salespeople. In other news, Rob Kardashian is done with the Kardashian empire, mostly because they're all obsessed with being on TV and making money. Also Kris Jenner tried to pressure him into promoting a weight-loss program and a hair-loss supplement, which is probably pretty humiliating. He has exiled himself to Florida in protest. Moving on: the mag speculates that Dean McDermott, who allegedly cheated on Tori Spelling with a Canadian woman, had a secret lovechild with said Canadian. Their evidence: some lady told them that Dean and the woman didn't use a condom. OBJECTION: SPECULATION.

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GRADE: D- (rising in the harsh light of day to find that you've sent multiple amorous tweets to Aaron Carter at 5am)

Star

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BEST & WORST BEACH BODIES

Ooof, it's time for the worst issue of the world's worst tabloid: Star has rounded up the Best & Worst Celebrity Beach Bodies of the Year. Notable inclusions: an inexplicably photoshopped picture of Kim Kardashian we saw in Us Weeklythree weeks ago (why did they need to change her bikini color?); a "BIG & BOLD" section ostensibly embracing plus-sized women [Fig. 2] followed immediately by the fat-shaming of Big Brother star Chanelle Hayes [Fig. 3]. "She never bothered to pick up a more form-fitting swimsuit," laments Star. Oh, okay, the only way to be "good" and plus-sized simultaneously is to wear a one-piece. Barf. Next: Ariana Grande and Adrian Grenier are maybe secretly dating, reports someone who once saw them touching at a party. Trying to tell if I have a feeling about that — nope, nope, don't care at all. Finally, let us welcome with open arms our first salacious Bachelor rumor: Bachelor Juan-Pablo is still in love with the mother of his child and thus none of the 27 contestants will ever win his heart. I think "no one wins; this competition is meaningless; love is complex and cannot be produced in a televised setting" would be a very satisfying conclusion to this season.