Hard to find a scarier horror icon than the new Pennywise from 2017’s mega-hit film, It. The movie made, like 12 billion dollars at the box office. I’m visibly shocked you never heard of it.

So MezcoToyz.com, looking to cash in, has designed a 15” tall/fully articulated PennywiseThe Dancing Clown doll in shockingly cool detail. Even better — the darn thing spouts six of his famous lines. (My fav — “You’ll float, too!” I bet he came up with that line while slogging around the sewers and being inspired by other, um, stuff that floats.)

Yes, you need to own the M.D.S. Mega Scale Talking Pennywise — and it ain’t cheap; $98 circus coupons, according to their website. The figure can be pre-ordered on Mezco’s website [click here] and it’ll ship between March and May of 2019. That’s like next year, or something.

While you get an advance on your next paycheck, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not float like you when you’re slogging around the sewer…

TUMBBAD (December 10, 2018)
“In the rural village of Tumbbad, a decaying castle hides an immeasurable ancestral fortune guarded by something ancient, sinister, and monstrous. Vinayak thinks he can control it, but how long will it be until his own greed destroys everything he’s built?”

Yep, there’s a rumored treasure in this gigantic, spiderweb-y abandoned castle. And curse the luck — it’s down a deep hole where an evil thingamajig taunts you to take it, resulting in dire consequences. Like I would ever need goading, geez. Does ancient evil even know me?

SHARRACUDA (2018)
“A small coastal town is suddenly attacked by a giant mutated shark. Three young metalheads, an unusual priest and a weird marine biologist decide to throw themselves in the pursuit of the creature with heavy artillery, blessed weapons and fierce fight. Is the monster an aberration caused by pollution, a government experiment or is he the manifestation of Satan? Who cares: The hunt is on!”

Not even sure if this one is out yet or not, despite my frantic clicking the computer mouse really fast. So a shark/barracuda hybrid monster. Sure, why not? Bonus #2: Apparently, the soundtrack is filled with underground death metal, hardcore, punk, doom and stoner bands from around the world. Forget the Sharracuda; the music alone will probably kill you.

THE VAMPYRE (2019)
“A young Englishman and his sister fall prey to a dark and malevolent force.”

Okay, it’s like they’re not even trying to sell this one, which makes it YET ANOTHER boring vampire, I mean “vampyre”movie. (Spelling it different won’t make it any less boring.)

TUFTLAND (March 1, 2019)
“A headstrong textile student Irina accepts a summer job offer from the isolated and self-sufficient village of Kyrsyä, only to quickly realize that the offbeat hillbillies who inhabit the small town aren’t as harmless as they may seem.”

Henry’s life sucks. His wife plays with his boss’ not-so-private parts. His best friend and stockbroker have robbed him blind. His upscale house is left in construction limbo because he’s overdrawn at the bank. His housekeeper is swiping valuable drink coasters. Everywhere he goes, somebody is always wiping their feet on him.

No big surprise when Henry wakes up one morning to find his face gone: a completely white mug — no features except for his mouth and two pinholes for eyes. He looks like a crash-test dummy. Where Henry was the Invisible Man before, he now becomes the Phantom of the Opera, skulking around with a fedora and black cape, looking to balance karmic scales.

He catches his wife riding his boss’ baloney pony and tosses her out a four-story window. See ya! He corners his stockbroker in a locker room and cuts his losses with a bullet to the Izod. Later, alligator. He gets in a little batting practice with his housekeeper’s head. Base hit!

Henry is able to do as a faceless man what he couldn’t do as a browbeaten corporate schmuck. While there is blood and a head being squashed by a train wheel, Bruiser (2000) is more of a character story and not a bowel-chewing special effects flick.

The ending seemed tacked on, but it put a grin on my faceful face. Two more in the plus column: Henry’s wife is really hot and we get to see her unfaithful nudity, and white-faced punkGoths, The Misfits play at Henry’s boss’ party where Henry upstages them all. Too bad Henry didn’t turn into a zombie and just eat everybody’s faces instead of losing his.

Vampiros (2004) is a Latin version and street-flavored updating of TheLost Boys (1987). In this “Perdido Muchachos,” Jonathan has one-night stand with a hot blonde he just met in a festivo club. He was there with his buddy Miguel to see Circo, his favorite band in the whole mundo. With freshness-expired beats and incisive lyrics like “flying through the grass that sprouts from your lagoon,” I can see why.

Johnathan takes the blonde (Gloria) back to his apartment and they show each other their private parts (not shown), but don’t tell each other their last names. Doing so would reveal too much. Ahem. Gloria rewards Johnathan’s efforts with a vampire bite, which converts him into an undead sucker of sangre. This makes him so darn mad as he didn’t want to be a vampire.

Enlisting the reluctant help of his two buddies, they travel the night, looking for answers about his upgrade. What Johnathan finds is a swarm of vampires, each young, good-looking, and having a lot of facial posing skills. Seeking the help of a vampire, Johnathan discovers he can never go back to being human. That sucks. (Heh.) He also learns that Esteban, the charismatic vampire leader with muscles, stylish bling and styling product in his undead hair, is assembling his horde for a vampire uprising. Johnathan can be part of the solution or part of the problem. Guess which path he takes?

The padre vampire in the shadows finds this all very amusing. What a burro. Bogged down by a linear plot, zero special effects, fake evil eyes, and perfectly straight and white vampire fangs, Vampiros is a tedious way to enjoy the technology of your TV, even without the sub-titles.

One a side note, the bands that make up the soundtrack have their lyrics brought up on the screen. A heavy metal punk band backs up the tattoo parlor scene with filthy language unbecoming of a hit record. Still, pretty dang funny.

Vampiros displays no nudity, hopelessly corny dialogue, barely any blood, and one of the weakest fights between an experienced vampire leader and a newbie neck-biter. How do you say “refund” in Spanish?

Rock stars showing up in horror/sci-fi movies is nothing new. Off the top ’o my dome, Alice Cooper comes to mind being in a pile of ’em: Monster Dog, Prince of Darkness, Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, Suck, Dark Shadows, etc.

Punk icon and former Black Flag member Henry Rollins has quite a few horror reels under his belt as well, the latest being He Never Died, in which he plays a cannibal who tries to control his addiction. The hook: he can’t die. But wait, there’s more…

“Rollins stars as Jack, a mysterious loner who has lived an inexplicably long life fueled by blood lust and filled with crime and violence. He buys stolen blood from a hospital intern, plays bingo, sleeps fourteen hours a day, watches television six hours a day, and lives alone. This is his life – he has shelled himself away from social interactions. The fuse is lit when Jack’s past comes back to rattle him. Jack must now walk a tight rope of sobriety and try to eat as few people as possible in this violent tale of personal responsibility and self worth. As it turns out, there are very few reasons to live when you can’t die.”

Not sure if Rollins used to eat people during his younger punk rock days, but with that legendary perma-aggro glare of his, he at least looked capable of chowing down fan ham. And he has the acting chops to pull it off. The movie role, not, like, actually eating people.

So how do you see He Never Died? The movie is gunning for a December 18, 2015 theatrical run, crowdfunded by Indiegogo™. Smuggle in your own people snacks, though; The price of concessions has gotten out of control these days.

The suggestive noun “massacre” – a 1580s, French word meaning “wholesale slaughter, carnage” – first got its Broadway movie marquee worthy start in 1974 with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Few, if any horror movies, has ever had a better title. You didn’t even need to see it as the name said it all and gave you nightmares in your pants.

This set off a series of horror movies using that highly marketable buzzword, including The Slumber Party Massacre (1982), Sorority House Massacre (1986), Nail Gun Massacre (1985), Swingers Massacre (1975), Drive-in Massacre (1977), and my fav, Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre (aka, Harpoon/2009). P.S. No whales were massacred during the filming of said movie – just endangered people.

Now, because it just seems right, “massacre” is making a comeback, despite the evening news tarnishing its reputation. Three new horror movies – Garden Party Massacre, The Funhouse Massacre and Sheborg Massacre, all have imminent release dates as it pertains to the calendar you’re looking at on your smartass phone.

GARDEN PARTY MASSACRE
A fast-paced, hilarious romp in the vein of Shaun of the Dead (2004) and Tucker and Dale vs. Evil (2010), telling the tale of a backyard gathering of friends that goes horribly awry when an unexpected guest arrives. With a pickax. And an attitude.

THE FUNHOUSE MASSACRE
Six of the worlds scariest psychopaths escape from a local asylum and proceed to unleash terror on the unsuspecting crowd of a Halloween Funhouse whose themed mazes are inspired by their various reigns of terror.

SHEBORG MASSACRE
When an alien fugitive crash lands into a local puppy farm and begins turning people into machines that feed on puppy flesh, Dylan – a self styled tough girl and punk activist — has to decide if she believes in any cause enough to risk her life, take on the SheBorg menace, and save the world.

All three sound pretty cool. Doubtful they’ll instill as much horifying impact as the evening news, though. Thanks, mainstream media, for desensitizing me. Now all I do is laugh when watching horror movies. We weren’t supposed to do that.

That butt-head Mothra. He gets a little Godzilla goo on him, flies into outer space and through a black hole, and when he comes out the other side, his backwash contrail fuses with a crystalline alien life-form and Biollante’s remaining spores. (See Godzilla Vs. Biollante/1989.) This entity grows into a giant crystal cocoon that heads to earth to do one thing: kill Godzilla, his estranged test tube father.

Once SpaceGodzilla arrives the military sends out Moguera (Mobile Operation Godzilla Universal Expert Robot Aero-type) to intercept. (Moguera looks a helluva lot like the alien space robot in The Mysterians/1957. I’m just sayin’.) SpaceGodzilla kicks Moguera’s tin ass as easily as if were an empty can of creamed corn.

A bunch of stuff happens, then Godzilla and his outer space counterpart eventually bash each other good, and while SpaceGodzilla looks to have the advantage, Moguera discovers a large nearby tower that’s been feeding SpaceGodzilla energy vinegar. Moguera knocks it down, thereby leveling the playing field for Godzilla to smack SpaceGodzilla right in the orbiting satellites. Whose your daddy now, b*tch?

SpaceGodzilla looks awesome with those huge ass crystals growing out of its shoulders. He also has a dark red belly and an energy mohawk. It’s like he’s Goth, punk and techno hip-hop at the same time. Godzilla doesn’t like Goth, punk or techno hip-hop, and emphasizes this by serving up a big bowl of f*ck off soup to those that do.

There’s a distracting sub-plot to Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla (1994) that involves Little Godzilla. Got five words for you – who cares?