Wednesday, August 15, 2007

If the members of the Big 10 were cars or car-like substances

In ascending order of value...

MICHIGAN STATEBig Wheel with streamersHAHAHAHA WHEEEEEEEE THIS IS ENJOYABLE BECAUSE I HAVE THE MENTAL ACUITY OF A FOUR YEAR OLD LETS HAVE A PIZZA PARTYINDIANAFord Probe that got totaled by someone without insuranceThey weren't that good to begin with, even before the recent disaster. Now, it's a matter of finding someone willing to put in a lot of effort just to get things back to "two years ago." The choices are a heavy rebuilding operation or rolling with some ass-ugly Pacer, be it an AMC or Troy Murphy. All in all, it's a damned shame.

NORTHWESTERNPurple VespaThe vehicular version of a pushover. If you don't have a distinct geographical reason for opting for them (namely, living in Italy or Evanston), you need serious help.

MINNESOTABuick Skylark in a garage made of used tamponsThey're not particularly popular, good-performing, or even much fun to look at, either in motion or standing still. To top it all off, the place where they're kept is unspeakably awful--does a greater discouragement to visitors even exist? Everyone knows they'd be better off outside.ILLINOISRiced-out Honda Civic built and driven by Stevie WonderThe exact antithesis of a "whole greater than the sum of its parts." In this instance, there's some definite quality, whether it be a nitrous system or J Leman, but there's practically no chance that it won't end very, very badly.

PURDUEMazda MiataThey were sexy a few years ago, but they've never really been physically imposing. Completely useless in the dead of winter.[NOTE: "Krispy Kreme delivery truck" was too obvious]

IOWA2002 Saab that just got out of the shop after your teenage son wrecked itMan, they were a lot better a couple years ago, weren't they? All the "smart people" loved them as the embodiment of valuing substance over flash. Then you put it in the hands of someone who's emotionally fragile and prone to erratic behavior, and it got real ugly, real quick. Nobody's really sure how it happened, but there's not much point in dwelling on it. These days, everything looks better and you'd like to believe it's all fixed, but are you really 100% sure it can run like before?

PENN STATE1994 Toyota CamryThey're an old standard, one with a look that even a drooling Notre Dame fan could immediately recognize. They hold their value better than anyone else out there, and they're being maintained by a kindly old man who doesn't put any undue wear and tear on them. They've been helped by the occasional upgrades (in this case, starting freshmen like Derrick Williams would be akin to, oh, let's say a CD player).

WISCONSINFord F-250 driven by a total douchebagBuilt for one thing, and one thing only: power. They're awfully dangerous when they hit full speed, and they enjoy plowing over defenseless animals (raccoons, Temple Owls). If you see them coming toward you, buckle up; hitting the brakes is for pussies.

MICHIGANBMW 760LiWhile it's been a few years since you could toss around a label like "best in the world," you'd be crazy not to respect the hell out of them. If you want to talk shit, it'd better be about aesthetics; even then, while they're kind of weird-looking, the look is as distinctive as it is classic. All quality-based criticisms can easily be dismissed as unadulterated jealousy--unless they come from...

OHIO STATEAston Martin that runs on the blood of puppiesWithout question, the prettiest car on the lot, and boy are they fast. Pure excellence. Nonetheless, there's still an unmistakable stench of reprehensibility to them, whether it's slaughtering man's best friend or the unchecked use of sweater vests. A bumper sticker that says "Satan is my copilot" would just be restating the obvious. In the name of all that is holy and good, fuck them.

Very nice, though I do have a minor quibble on Minnesota. The Dome isn't so bad for visitors. Where else can opposing fans outnumber the home team like they did during the Michigan game last season. And where else can an opposing team's fans run onto the field and tear down the goalposts after a win like Iowa's fans did?

A better choice for Minnesota would be a 1965 Chevy Impala: Great way back in the day, but hasn't worked that well for a couple decades now, and even if you slap a shiny new coat of paint on it, it's still not going to make it all the way to Pasadena.

I thought the assessment of MSU a touch off. I'm thinking they're more like a late model year Chevy Nova. A car that was once robust and desirable made squalid and weak through mismanagement. Go Bucks!

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