Summary: Phoebe
and the Fellowship depart from Rivendeli to begin the first stage of the
quest. After learning the passage South is being watched, Big Tall
Old Man determines the company must journey over the Pass of Carrothras,
which proves to be in vain as Biggest Tallest Oldest Man is blocking their
path. They head for the Mines of Mario, but are stricken with grief
when a most unfortunate event occurs, devastating the company.

Richelle:(trying to shut the angry
people up) So she left it at the big rock! Big deal! We'll go get it, it's
like a five minute walk away.

Phoebe: No, I left it in Rivendeli.

Richelle:(shakes her head) Only
you could do that.

Phoebe: I didn't know I was supposed to
bring it!

Taylor: WE ARE ON A QUEST TO DESTROY THE
TAG AND YOU DIDN'T KNOOOOW YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BRING IT?

Phoebe: Well, if YOU guys were much more
intelligent, YOU would have thought to ask me BEFORE we left Rivendeli.

(Mumbling from the others)

Phoebe: I know you are but what am I!?!
Okay, anyway, perhaps if we just sit here, then the Tag will just magically
appear. Wait... magic? (looks at Big Tall Old Man)

Big Tall Old Man: What?

Phoebe: You're a wizard. You know, I don't
understand your point. I mean, you're a WIZARD. Isn't there something that
should just GET you to Mt. Spring?

Big Tall Old Man: Er..

Phoebe: I don't understand what the point
of being a wizard is if you can't help us every once in a while. Here's a
pickle: we need the Tag. If you're really worth anything, then you should be
able to get the Tag for us as we stand right here.

Big Tall Old Man: Uh, well, this is- it's
WRONG. I can't take the easy way out of things like that!

Taylor: THEN WHAT'S THE POINT OF BEING A
WIZARD!?!?

Big Tall Old Man:(starts sobbing)
Okay, I admit it! I'm not a wizard! I'm JUST A BIG TALL OLD MAN WITH A STAFF!

Phoebe: You IMPOSTOR! Now let's go.

Catlea: Well, we need the Tag.

Phoebe: It's okay, I have it. (continues
walking)

The Rest of the Fellowship: (glances at
her, confused)

Phoebe:(turns around) Well?

Taylor:(kneels down and picks
something up) No, you don't have it. (holds up a silver chain with a
Mattress Tag attached to it)

Phoebe:(walks over to Taylor and holds
hand out) Give it up.

Taylor:(pulls it away)

Phoebe: Come on, Taylor...

Taylor:(starts to walk away)

Phoebe: (walks after at a swifter pace)
Give it BACK, Taylor...

Taylor:(starts running)

Phoebe:(follows) THIS IS SO LIKE
YOU! YOU ALWAYS STEAL MY STUFF!

Taylor: Since WHEN have I stolen your
stuff?

Phoebe: YOU STEAL MY BOOK ALL THE TIME!
YOU STILL OWE ME THREE DOLLARS FROM RUINING MY LOVELY BOOKMARK, YOU BIG FREAK! (dives
and grabs the collar of his shirt)

Taylor: (stops, choking because Phoebe
has hold of the collar)

Phoebe: GIVE IT BACK NOOOOOWWW!

Taylor:(falls over, possibly dead)

Phoebe:(reaches over to grab the Tag)

Taylor: (stands up and starts running
again)

Phoebe: GIVE IT BACK!

Taylor: Why should I? I never give
anything else back voluntarily!

Phoebe: Yes, but THE LOSS OF A BOOKMARK
DOES NOT SHAPE THE COURSE OF THE FUTURE, DILLHOLE!

Taylor:(pauses) Yes, it's a
strange thing that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a
thing.

Phoebe:(mumbling) Line-stealer...
sounds like you swallowed the movie... (snatches the Tag back) Never
steal it again, you big tree. Hear me?

(The company continues walking)

(Next scene: the Fellowship is walking under
what seems to be a bit of a cliff)

(Show Biggest Tallest Oldest Man standing on
top of Big Tall Old Tower holding out his staff toward the Pass of Carrothras
singing indecipherable words)

Really Ugly Creature: What are you
singing?

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: Nirvana.

(Back on the Pass a bunch of snow falls and
covers them all up)

Phoebe:(digs herself out of the snow)

Val:(sticks a hand up through the
snow)

Phoebe:(screams)

Val:(pulls herself all the way out)

Phoebe:(puts a hand over her heart)
I thought it was like Night of the Living Dead or something. You scared the crap
out of me.

(The rest of the Fellowship digs themselves
out of snow)

Taylor: We cannot stay here! We must go
through (horror music) The Gap!

Phoebe: Isn't it the Gap of Rohan?

Catlea: But here, it's (horror music)
The Gap!

Phoebe: Yes, I understand that! (points
to Catlea)

Catlea: But we can't go through (horror
music) The Gap. It runs too close to Big Tall Old Tower!

AJ: Then let us go through the Mines of
Mario!

Big Tall Old Man: (having a flashback)

(Big Tall Old Man's flashback)

Biggest Tallest Oldest Man: If the Pass of
Carrothras defeats you, where, then, will you go? Will you go though the Mines
of Mario, where the dwarves delved too deeply? You know what they awoke in the
darkness of Khazad-Boom... shadow and flame.

(End flashback)

Big Tall Old Man: Let the Tagbearer
decide!

(Silence)

Phoebe:(staring aimlessly)

Richelle: (nudges Phoebe)

Phoebe: What?

Richelle: You're supposed to decide if we
go through the Mines of Mario or not!

Phoebe: Oh, am I the Tagbearer? Cool. An
official title. If I get business cards, I'll be all set!

Big Tall Old Man:(grinds teeth)
ANSWER!

Phoebe: Testy, are you? Well, I suppose...
we'll go through the Mines of Mario.

(Scene: They are standing in front of a lot of
stone and near a big lake)

Phoebe: So.... just standing here in front
of a big stone door and a large lake. Yup.

Richelle:(flicking the horse)

Catlea: We have to send the horse away.
The Mines are no place for a Pony, even one so brave as Buffalo Bill.

Richelle: Buh-bye, Bill. (pushes him
away)

Catlea: He'll be fine.

Richelle: I hope he's not! That horse
nearly killed me earlier!

Big Tall Old Man: Alright, we just have to
wait for the moon to come out and then we can read these stupid runes.

Phoebe: It's funny how even though we were
taking care not to step over skeletons we didn't notice until you said that.

Sara:(gasps) Oh my GOD, THEY'RE
DEAD PEOPLE!

Big Tall Old Man: Get out. We should never
have come here.

Phoebe:(grabbed around the ankles by a
Large Slimy Creature) AHHH! HELP! (no one hears) AHEM!

Richelle:(turns around) Oh, no!
Let's help. (runs over to Phoebe and stabs Large Slimy Creature with a
chopstick)

Large Slimy Creature:(drops Phoebe)

Phoebe:(thumps to the ground) Owww...

Phoebe and Richelle:(run back into
entrance)

Large Slimy Creature:(crushes doors)

(Silence)

Big Tall Old Man:(produces a light)

Phoebe: Ah, see, you ARE good for
something!

Big Tall Old Man: Technology. (shakes
head) Flashlights are so wonderful. Now be careful. There are older and
uglier things than Really Ugly Creatures.

Phoebe: Like you?

Richelle: More like Taylor.

Phoebe: (laughs)

Taylor:(gives them the finger)

Phoebe: I'm sorry, it wasn't my joke!
Really, I didn't even think of that! Someone ELSE suggested I write it in the
script.

Taylor:(continues giving them the
finger)

Phoebe: Ah well.

(Fade to scene where they're just sitting
there in a small cave)

Big Tall Old Man: It's funny how I have no
memory of this place.

Phoebe:(shrugs) You're old. I
forgive you.

(Total silence)

Sara:(whispering) Brandy!

Brandy:(whispering back) What?

Sara:(still whispering) I'm
hungry!

Phoebe:(leaning over and looking into
the abyss) Man, I love this thing. (continues staring and sees a strange
creature peer over a rock) Dear lord! Big Tall Old Man, there's something
down there!

Big Tall Old Man: Yes. It's Cher. It's
been following us for three days.

Phoebe: Cher? It escaped the Dungeons of
Barad-Drool!

Big Tall Old Man: Escaped, or set loose?

Phoebe:(shifts uncomfortably) It's
a pity the Mattress Dealer didn't kill it when he had the chance.

Big Tall Old Man: Pity? Pity is what saved
Mattress Dealer's life! Many that die deserve life, and many that live deserve
death. But can you give it to them?

Phoebe: Well, I AM God, so I suppose so.

Big Tall Old Man: Maybe in another life
you were. But now you're just worthless Phoebe.

Phoebe: I'm not TOTALLY worthless! I can-
do stuff! I mean, I know I have absolutely no purpose on this journey and all I
am is a burden and anyone could just CARRY the Tag, but still! I can like...
paint and stuff! Plus, I'm sure I'll be more useful once the second movie comes
and I have more of a chance to be a burden.

Big Tall Old Man: Haven't you finished The
Two Towers yet?

Phoebe: No, I've just started on the
second part. It's a pity; I was starting to like Merry a lot more. Though I
still love Sam more than anything.

Big Tall Old Man: Enough of this talk.

(Silence)

Phoebe: You know, Big Tall Old Man, I wish
this stupid Tag had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

Big Tall Old Man: So do all who live to
see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All you have to decide is
what to do with the time is given to you. Mattress Dealer was MEANT to find that
Tag, in which case you were MEANT to have it, and that indeed is an encouraging
thought.

Phoebe: No it's not.

Big Tall Old Man: It could be.

(Silence)

Big Tall Old Man:(makes a loud
shrieking sound)

Phoebe: Oh my God, he's having a heart
attack! CALL 911!

Catlea: Move, I know CPR!

Big Tall Old Man: I'm fine. I just have
realised what way to go.

Phoebe: Really? You remember! Fancy that!

Big Tall Old Man: No, but I've learned:
when in doubt, always go right. Because right, no matter what you do, is always
right.

Phoebe: Yes, but right can also be wrong.
Plus we don't know which way right is. We don't have a compass.

Big Tall Old Man: We don't NEED a compass
to know which way right is.

Phoebe: Well, we'll have an awful problem.
Because if I'm standing the way I am, right is THIS way. But if you're standing
the way you are, right is the OTHER way.

Big Tall Old Man: Wait! I know!

Phoebe: Yes?

Big Tall Old Man: Why don't we go through
the ONLY passage there is?

Phoebe: It's BRILLIANT, Big Tall Old Man!

Big Tall Old Man:(leads them through
the doorway)

(Okay, let's paint a scene: they're all
standing in a huge huge place, miles around, that is filled with pillars going
top to bottom. Each pillar is about a mile high)

Big Tall Old Man: Here lies Balout, son of
Fundine, Lord of Mario. He is dead, then. (searches through room, finds a
skeleton holding a book) Ah, a diary! Let's read. (hands Sara his hat and
staff, opens book) The Really Ugly Creatures are coming. Their drums beat.
We cannot get out. We cannot get out. They are coming.

Sara:(backs up and sees a skeleton
with a lot of armor attached to a bucket and an arrow through its heart sitting
on the edge of a well that seems to have no end, twists the arrow)

(The head of the skeleton falls off and makes
an awful racket going down)

Everyone:(looks at Sara)

Sara: (bites lip)

(The rest of the skeleton falls in, making a
bigger racket and pulling in the huge metal bucket, making the ultimate racket)

Big Tall Old Man: (glares at Sara)

Sara:(cringes and squeezes eyes shut
every time a noise is made)

(Silence)

Big Tall Old Man: Fool of a Took! Throw
yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity.

(A strange sound of drums beating fills the
room)

Phoebe: Really Ugly Creatures!

Val and Catlea:(shut the doors
and bar them)

AJ:(leaps up on top of Balout's grave)
LET THEM COME! THERE IS ONE DWARF IN MARIO WHO STILL STANDS! (falls over) SORT
OF!

Richelle: PHOEBE! Aw, man! That makes me
sad, now. She was kind of cool. Sometimes. You know. Plus, now we can't finish
this thing.

Val: BUT LET'S KILL IT!

Richelle:(stabs it with a chopstick)

Big Ugly Creature:(keels over and
dies)

Catlea:(runs up to Phoebe and turns
her over)

Phoebe:(coughs) GOTCHA!

Richelle: You're alive!

Phoebe: No way!

Big Tall Old Man: I think there's more to
this outfit than meets the eye. Phoebe?

Phoebe: Uh... wait. This will be fun. (tears
open shirt to reveal a silver shirt underneath)

Big Tall Old Man: It's a shield!

AJ: Made from Mithril!

Phoebe: I've heard it's worth more than
the United States in itself.

Big Tall Old Man: No.

Phoebe: Aw, man. I was going to BUY the
United States when all this was over! It would turn into The United States,
Sponsored By Phoebe. No one would ever have to pay taxes because I'd have so
much money! They'd all love me! I'd be a majorly rich political leader! It'd be
a revolution!

Phoebe: We'll never make that jump.
They're at least a hundred yards away!

(The stairs break loose from the rest of the
stairs and start to fall)

Catlea: LEAN FORWARD!

Catlea and Phoebe:(lean forward)

(The stairs hit the other stairs, Catlea and
Phoebe jump off them with the rest and start to run down the stairs)

Phoebe: I HATE narrow stairs without
railings! I'm always afraid I'll fall! (sticks a foot out in front of Taylor)

Taylor:(hops over it)

Phoebe: Never works, does it? Someday...

Big Tall Old Man: GET TO THE BRIDGE! IT'S
COMING!

Phoebe:(looks back and sees the
Ballhog as it runs toward the Bridge of Khazad-Boom)

(Eight of them make it across the Bridge but
Big Tall Old Man stops and holds up his staff)

Big Tall Old Man: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

Ballhog:(trips and falls into the
darkness below)

Big Tall Old Man: See? Magic!

Ballhog: (reaches up and pulls Big Tall
Old Man down)

Big Tall Old Man: (grabbing onto
Bridge)

Phoebe: NO!

(Silence)

Big Tall Old Man: Run, you fools!

Phoebe: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Catlea: (frowns) Think he's dead?

Phoebe: Oh, no, he'll probably be back,
the hole. Always does that. Anyway, even if he is dead, he's old. He was bound
to die in ten minutes or so anyhow.

Catlea: Yes, I suppose. (an arrow flies
past head) Let's go.

(They all run up the stairs and out of Mario)

Copyright Phoebe Caprona
2002. If you intend to use any content from this website, e-mail
me and ask. I DEMAND CREDIT FOR WHAT I HAVE SO PAINSTAKINGLY SLAVED
OVER! Some things taken from J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings and
the movie The Fellowship of the Ring. The mattress tag idea was mine.
The four mattress companies (Sealy, Serta, Simmons, Spring Air) are
REAL!!! Mario is, of course, a Nintendo game of someone else's
invention.