Discover what happens after the break-up

Red Flag #5

“Eliminate all other possibilities and what remains, however improbable, is the Truth.”
Sherlock Holmes

It is hard to admit when you’ve made a mistake; especially in a relationship. Doing so means confronting the feeling and very real possibility that you are in some small way responsible for the pain you are experiencing. it also means moving more into the realm of realizing that you will not be with that person ever again. because once you see it as a mistake, only foolishness allows you to go back. Yes, some do make it back and make it work, but in this time of pain, recovery only comes from embracing what is probable, not what is possible. And so in that spirit I start what I have been avoiding. Confronting thered flags in my relationship that could have been signs that all was not well. Things I expected to talk about in pre-marital counseling, that may have been clues that IN FACT I did not have the right person.

Red Flag #5

I had to bold this one in red, because it may have the most to do with what has happened.Or at least exacerbated the issues.That situation is that Tina has a problem making decisions.Now that I say it, it sounds odd considering she made a decision to leave the relationship.But even from the moment we met, whenever she had a choice between two things, she would hem and haw.Most often she would get angry because she felt like she was being pushed into something.

When we first started dating, she introduced me as a friend.As we progressed to a level where we were intimate, and she did not want me to date other people, and she was not interested in dating other people, she still wanted to be “friends.” I wanted a relationship, and was sick of being called a friend.So I told she needed to stop calling me that.She asked if I was giving her an ultimatum, and I said no.But we don’t act like friends, so at some point we are going to move in the direction of a relationship or we will slowly peter out.She obviously went for the relationship, but she could not, even to this day, understand that at some point you do have to make a decision that there are consequences to it.If you don’t like the consequence of one, then you choose the other, AND THAT IS NOT CONTROL.

This also showed up with her career. When she’s had to choose one thing over another, it is always this ordeal.She wants it all.Of course, we all do.But there seemed to be a bit more of a disappointment or anger when she had to make a decision.She always thought that maybe she was missing out.I’ve always tried to get her to see that, yes, you are giving up one thing for another, but you use critical thinking skills (in career, finances, etc., harder with relationships, obviously) to make the choice that is gong to be better.In terms of us, yes she gave up dating other guys, and got in return an incredible man—if I do say so myself.In one job choice, she got to pursue something she loved versus picking a job that she would have hated even though it was at a company she always wanted to work for.Very often she would just freeze and not make a decision.

I always thought this was just her wanting it all.But not critical to our relationship.But when I think about it, not being able to make a choice and be happy with it, is an obvious problem.We were about to get married, and she thought about all the things she felt she was going to lose, not gaining.In a weird way, her issue is looking at the world from a position or rather mind-set of “lack.”A focus on what she thinks she may los, not what she is gaining.I find that funny since she is reading all these Laws of Attraction books.

My best friend puts it bluntly. “She lacks critical decision making skills, because she’s never really had to make a hard decision with real consequences.She went from college back home to mom, and daddy helping pay 85% of her bills.She not a fully mature adult yet.”

His words, while harsh and true, really are not the point here though.So all of this is true, but the issue really is not with her.So that’s how she is, the real question much to my chagrin, and the purpose of these red flags to begin with is my response.I’ve always known this about her.Why didn’t I really reflect on what the consequences that this trait could have?The truth is I brushed it off.I thought that was one of the areas that I could help her with.I never thought it would come into play as a possible contribution to us breaking up.But it has.Just look at the language.I call this a break-up, she has not said the words, and would say no it’s a separation.We may get back together, and we may not.Now this is totally, basic break-up talk as I’ve found out on my travels on the web.But still it fits into her perfectly, and to the extent that this is a problem, red flag, call it what you will.That’s all on me, because I knew this about her all along.I cannot be surprised that she may have flaked out on me when she thought of getting married, and thought about what she was going to miss out on.

Of course, most single, dating women can tell her she is not missing anything.But some people insist on learning things the hard way.

5 Responses

I have been away (out of town) and I carved out this time to catch up on all your posts.

When I first started reading this post, I couldn’t figure out where it was gonna go. At first, I thought you were describing a simple personality trait that could be worked with.

But you went in a very interesting direction. I was fascinated by the way you characterized Tina’s decision-making strategy as one that focuses on ‘lack’ or ‘loss’ when it comes to choosing one or the other.

I read an excellent piece about two years ago on the difference between viewing life in terms of scarcity vs. abundance – and it totally blew my mind. I’d like to find the link and share it, because you do describe a life-view that could easily have been irreconcilable between the two of you.

Hey.. your description of Tina makes me reflect about myself.. I’m one of those who want it al and get it a little frustrated and angry when pushed to choose between 2 things.. life’s good as long as things are straight but the moment there’s that crossroad I’m all stressed up…

>>I wanted a relationship, and was sick of being called a friend. So I told she needed to stop calling me that. She asked if I was giving her an ultimatum, and I said no.<<

You had your first red flag when you first started dating her… from the jump, she wasn't ready to be in a relationship with you, she wasn't really willing to make a real commitment to you. She was "just not that into you". You made her make a choice (which she probably interpreted as controlling) and she did, but she didn't feel passionately about that choice… that's where you are now.

not sure I agree as we went from that to being in a relationship for 7 yrs. I cannot square that with the response of she stayed to just stay. Nor do I believe the passion could not have been there for that long a period, and to act and say the things she did, nor could others see how we were. remember part of why her family and friends feel the way they do and are confused is a combo of what she said to them about me, and the how she acted for most of the relationship.

I’ve been in her place and in yours, neither is easy. Maybe I’m just focusing a little too much on a past experience of mine. I was in a relationship with a man for 3 years. For some reason, it felt a little off, like I was a little more into him than he was me. I was the one who eventually left the relationship, only because I felt like I wasn’t getting everything I could out of it and felt like it wouldn’t last long term (we had the same sexual issues you describe as having with her). Anyways, when I sat and thought about the relationship and thought about the start of the relationship, I remembered something – I felt like I was “chasing” him in the beginning. He was into me, but not so much.