Traditionally, sports like football and hockey have taught men that
they can beat each other's brains out on the field or in the gym, and still
be friends afterwards. This is obviously an exaggeration, but I've been
pondering whether maybe this is a valuable thing to learn. I always think
it is interesting to watch pro football players greet each other after
games like long lost friends; indeed many of them were teammates/friends
in college.

In playing games like Risk, Monopoly, or even a game of cards, do you
typically play cutthroat and go for the win at any cost? Or are you more
likely to hold back and feel sorry for the losing players, and play less
competitively? Where do you learn your tendencies? Are you good at not
taking things personally?

Some would say not taking things personally comes harder for women than
men. However, with changing opportunities for women, many women are learning
to argue or defend their proposals or points of views with their male colleagues
in a meeting. Peggy Noonan, in a July 2000 article in Good Housekeeping,
puts forth this idea. And she notes that with girls now engaged in very
competitive sports from an early age, we'll see more women being openly
competitive in the future.

I'd say this is one of the most valuable things I've learned in my 25
years on the job: that critique of my work, proposal, or an idea is not
a criticism of me. Therefore that frees me to be more competitive, which
I define in the workplace as being willing to speak up, defend my point
of view.

I posed this question about how we learn or where we get our competition
comfort level to an e-mail discussion group. One young woman attributed
her competitive streak to being the oldest. By having two younger siblings,
she was "displaced from the throne" of her parents' attention, so traditional
psychology teaches, and then she tries to reclaim the throne by trying
to be "better" at everything. She also feels that giving it all she's got
is more fun.

Rex, in responding to my query, makes a fair caution against stereotyping,
"I'm not sure that it's fair to say that men and women learn anything in
a typical way. We all find our way individually. Some people learn better
in a competitive environment than others."

Len notes that he most enjoyed "ordinary activities with girls" when
they were pre-adolescents. "At that age, there seemed to be less difference
[from males] in their way of competing, freedom to explore, freedom as
individuals. Post-adolescent females seemed to me much more cautious, cliquish,
secretive, worried about group approval, and yes, peevish. My off-hand
impression is that more is learned from peers than from adult role models."

Len goes on to reflect that in his experience, some teenage and adult
women are more concerned than men with group approval, with being seen
as OK. "That certainly does not mean a lack of competitiveness. I see women
as being extremely competitive within the group."

Dori, on the other hand, thinks that the way we are is inborn. She says
while she did not enjoy team sports, in her work she was very competitive
as a journalist: "I thrived on breaking stories: take that, fellow reporters!
I was first! In some cases I enjoyed covering politics because I was one
of the few, if not the only, woman in the room at any given time." She
prefers working with men because she has experienced them to be less "stab-you-in-the-back."
Dori admits that maybe part of her competitive streak comes from parents
who felt it was not polite for women to be competitive, and she maybe is
inwardly rebelling against that, (which may work against Dori's argument
that our attitudes are in-born).

Len feels that women "could definitely lighten their burdens" by allowing
themselves to be more openly competitive, although he wonders if women
would then "lose" some of the nicer traits he has observed and admired
in women's friendships.

Perhaps being competitive is totally different from not taking things
personally. While I feel like I have grown in my ability to let certain
kinds of criticism roll off my back, I still prefer to go easy on my children
in a game of Risk or Monopoly. Even in a game of Pinochle with friends,
with men versus women, while I love beating the guys, if the men lose too
long, I start to feel sorry for them.

What do you think? Send your comments and stories to: Melodie Davis,
Another Way c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper; or e-mail: Melodie@mennomedia.org.

You can also visit Another Way on the Web at www.thirdway.com.

Melodie Davis is the author of seven books and has written her column
since 1987. She taught feature writing and has won awards from a number
of organizations including the National Federation of Press Women, Virginia
Press Women and the American Advertising Association. She and her husband
have three growing daughters.

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 740 words; end material
= 105 words

We would appreciate it if you would include the
"Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.