UOW have invested heavily in creating a more focused library environment for students. However, with the new additions to the UOW library, comes a new crackdown on students who disturb the study peace. A new squad of library police have been employed to ensure that to the utmost degree, silence is maintained similar to that of a former opinionated North Korean military officer.

The “Shhhhh Squad” as named by talkative students, is not only present on the 1st floor, albeit have migrated to the lower and upper levels of the library.

“It creates a huge problem for me and my study buddies to practice our Model UN discussions (and politics group assignments)”, said Jenny a 3rd year politics major student.

“We feel oppressed, we can’t go outside, the air is too fresh and I heard there was a political group positioned at the library entrance. I’m not in the mindset to debate extra-passionately about Marxist theory and Socialist regimes today.”

The Smoking Duck reports that the new task force is being supplied a generous weaponry budget including badges, and a code of conduct form. However, discarded classified documents reveal a more sinister arsenal of batons, bear spray, and military grade tasers.

The Smoking Duck has revealed one student was even extradited for breathing too loudly in the quiet section. Shaky mobile phone footage exhibits the student being handcuffed and dragged out while still clasping his physics textbook.

Andrew, a determined Bsc. in Physics student explained that “I wasn’t doing anything wrong! They told me I was breathing too loud and that I need to be escorted to the talking section. When I protested, they put the cuffs on me and dragged me out while I tried to learn the difference between Amperian loop model and the B-field, and Magnetic pole model and the H-field, in Electromagnetism.

The Smoking Duck attempted to retrieve a comment from the “Shhhhh Squad”, however they politely, and quietly declined to comment.

First year Horticulturalist student Brandon Hewitt’s plot to get free parking at UOW backfired horrifically as police, paramedics and confused parking attendants laid siege to his car this morning.

Mr. Hewitt thought he had the perfect scam to get the “three for free” deal:

“We just put a mannequin in the backseat to trick the carpooling attendants.”

“That’s it?”

“Well we put a hoodie on it. And an iPhone in it’s lap. Looked pretty legit. I just wish I checked the weather forecast.”

Mr. Hewitt attended classes throughout the day, maliciously enjoying his ill gotten free parking with little regard for remorse or human decency. Throughout the day this plan had gone without a hitch. However, as temperatures soared into the 40’s, parking attendants of the Carpooling section were shocked to see someone trapped inside a black car with no windows down, deceived twice by the selfishness of Mr Hewitt.

“By the time I got back to my car,” remarked Mr. Hewitt, “paramedics were smashing the windows in to save Sasha – that’s what I named her.”

“It’s a lovely name,” we replied.

When the paramedics finally smashed into the car, “Sasha” (made of synthetic polymers, not people parts) had melted, resulting in one paramedic vomiting at the scene in what he could only describe as: “A crime against humanity.” The Mannequin’s deformed head dripped onto the shards of the broken window, it’s body literally fused into the cheap plastic of it’s UOW jumper. The ipad, long out of battery power, was a puddle.

Police tried interviewing the parking attendants for their perspective on the events. However, due to language barriers this was never achieved, the police instead were denied entry for not having three persons in the cruiser. The investigation was later carried out on foot.

With what seemingly started as little more than a cheap attempt to cheat the rules and regulations of the carpooling system, ended in a crime against humanity and possible manslaughter case. We asked Mr Hewitt for what message he took from these horrific events:

“Do you have anything to say to anyone who would seek to copy this act?”

Tristan Clemente (no, not French, pork-and-cheese) calls himself an author, but has no novels published in his name. Living proof that you can be a washed up novelist without being successful first, he spends his days completing a useless Arts degree and writing for a low rate satirical news publication that’ll hopefully one day gain traction.

Daniel R.H. + John I. ¦ Writers ¦ Breaking News

4th year Engineering student Andrew Avery has come to the stark realization that his low pass average has left him in a difficult position as he is set to graduate at semester’s end. The UOW student has realised that his father’s connections within the civil engineering arena will not be enough to placate the 24% he received in last semester’s MATH283 course.

“I couldn’t believe it when he told me,” said Bob Avery, manager at Sydney’s LP Consulting Australia. “I’ve never been so disappointed in my son. The moron still wants me to recommend him to my superiors for a graduate position. I already had to pull strings to get him into Wollongong University in the first place. I’ve been telling my buddies at Golf that my wife had an affair 22 years ago to save me the shame!!”

Andrew has hoped that frantically joining the Civil Engineering Society in his final semester, in addition to a number of other UOW Clubs and Societies, will be enough to negate his atrocious academic transcript.

“Yeah Dad’s pretty mad, saying ‘I’m not his son’ and ‘You are a disappointment to this family’. Y’know, jokes like that. But I think a few months on the Civil Engineering Society should do the trick. I’ve also joined both the Wollongong Socialists and the Capitalist Society, just to show that I have a keen interest in politics. Might also try out for Seeker of the Quiddich club, hey.”

The Smoking Duck can confirm that Andrew will be at UOW’s Club’s Day tomorrow.

Josh L. ¦ Writer ¦ Breaking News

A yearlong report, undertaken by academic staff from numerous faculties in the University of Wollongong’s prestigious ‘SMART’ building, has found that Thursday morning lectures and tutorials have the lowest attendance rate of all lectures.

It is understood that senior members of the university are strongly suspicious of these findings. Yesterday, a number of sources raised concerns that the breadcrumb trail leads to Market Street’s ‘Fat Boy Grill and Pide,’ then to the prestigious Grand Hotel. When questioned, one anonymous member of staff noted, “Mate, I still earn over $200k after tax…I’m not too fussed honestly,”

Another not so fortunate tutor was dismissed last year after his 8:30am Thursday Econ class failed the final for the fourth year in a row. When pressed by the Smoking Duck’s investigative team, he revealed, “At first, I was quite disappointed, until I looked in the mirror and saw a fifty-year-old man staring back at me…Now I just wish I was young again. Regardless, I’m suing the shit out of the Grand Hotel.”

On the other side of the equation, keen ECON100 students Angus Grey and Jack Parker say that, whilst they have attended “more or less” all their 8:30am Hope Theatre lectures, a review on ECO360 is probably in order before their upcoming exams.

Meanwhile, The Smoking Duck’s disgraced reporter, Tracy Grimshaw, chased second year student, Chloe Rusch, through P4 carpark for absolutely no reason until she finally stopped her. Ms. Grimshaw found Chloe spends more time staring at Hope Theatre’s weird ceiling regretting last night’s middle floor session with a strong 6 at the Grand, than she does actually writing notes.

Jason B. + Daniel R.H. ¦ Writers ¦ Breaking News

On the cusp of her graduation from a Law degree, 4th year student, Sarah Wickman, has just become the first UOW student to discover that the Sports Hub is used as a sports facility, and not just as a location for exams. She made her recent discovery while accidentally stumbling into the building, looking for anyone who didn’t yet know that she was a law student so she could then inform them that she was, in fact, a law student.

“I always thought it was kind of misleading to call it the ‘sports hub,’” she said of her finding that the hundreds of desks usually in the building had concealed multiple basketball courts.
“But I never thought it would be used for actual sport. Who’d have guessed?” She continued, before going on to question UOW’s decision to utilise the building as a sports center. “Who in their right mind would want to play a game in the same place they ruined all prospects of getting a well paying job by failing the Property Law final? Not exactly much of a home ground advantage in my opinion.”

This discovery is expected to result in drastic changes to the performance of students during exams.

“I mean, yeah, I liked it better when I didn’t know it was a sports building,” said Harry Ram, a philosophy major. “I thought the hoops they had set up were like, totally a metaphor for reaching your career goals and slam dunking the exams. I was super inspired! But now I know those hoops are just used for basketball, it completely ruins it, hey.”

Jason B. ¦Writer ¦ Breaking News

” They really need to be more specific. I thought unisex stood for sex at uni”

A student at the University of Wollongong has today discovered that unisex toilets are so named because they are for use by students of any gender, and not because they are intended to be used for actual sexual intercourse at university.

Dave, a first year commerce student, struggled to understand why he is being severely disciplined by UOW administration for engaging in intercourse with Gina, partner of one week, in one of the unisex toilets in building 19.

“I mean, I thought that’s what they were there for”, he said upon being reprimanded for his actions. “They really need to be more specific. I thought unisex stood for sex at uni…or even U-N-I (you and I) sex, y’know, to clarify for our foreign exchange students. It’s pretty misleading. Why else would they put so many free condoms in there?”

The University of Wollongong is taking strong action against Dave to deter this sort of behaviour. Recent incidents seem to indicate that first year students are failing to comprehend such conduct is not appropriate on campus.

Riley J ¦ Writer ¦ Breaking News

In what was described as ‘one of the saddest displays of human aggression of the 21st century’, local wankers Hunter Gooding and Patrick ‘Paddy’ McCorrmac were escorted from The Grand Hotel, after a fist fight broke out in the smoking area, on Wednesday night.

The two men were overheard discussing the works of Australian Stoner rock band Sticky Finger, when an argument broke out over whether 2013’s Caress Your Soul or 2014’s Land of Pleasure was the bands best work.

“Oh yeah, they were pretty fucking loud, then one of them smacked the other and then the tie dye shirts were off” says eye witness, Blake Russell. This marks the third incident of violence in the Australian Stoner rock culture this week, after a 15-man brawl broke out in Melbourne over the merits of Tame Impala’s Currents, and the stabbing of a Newtown man over his criticism of Violent Soho’s Hungry Ghost.

University of Wollongong student Daniel Sullivan has taken the plunge and superliked his classmate, after a drunken swipe session on popular dating app Tinder on Tuesday afternoon. The engineering student superliked one of the only girls in his course after 3 beers, a move he has come to regret.

“I didn’t really have any plan for how I thought this would work. I will probably have class with her, if she doesn’t quit” Sullivan commented.

This marks Sullivan’s second superliking incident, the first which resulted in a change of tutorial times for the classmate.

“After this, there will be only like, 3 girls left in engineering. That is why I believe there needs to be more women in STEM” Sullivan continued.

Sullivan has promised the Head of Engineering, Dr Michael Xing, not to superlike anymore girls, and return to staring silently from a distance, imagining conversation.

“It is probably best for both parties if he never talks to engineering girls again,” Dr Xing said. “and starts dating down. Maybe he can try medicine, or law.”