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Digital divorce

1.
Dealing With Digital Divorce
besafeonline

2.
And then there was one. One PayPal account. One iTunes. One Picasa. One Dropbox. One
iPad. And two of you who no longer share the same house, much less the same
cloud storage.
As nearly every aspect of our lives becomes entwined in the digital world, it’s ever more
difficult to untangle the shared threads. It’s no longer a case of you keep the CDs, I’ll
take the stereo and speakers.
So long

3.
Be Safe Online Dealing With Digital Divorce www.avg.com 2
F
rom the wedding video shared
on YouTube to the baby pictures
sprinkled over Instagram; the
retweets of inside jokes; the ‘married’
status on Facebook and the e-mail
account you both used – they still
exist as if nothing has happened,
even though you’re now debating
who keeps the thousands of songs
on Spotify and the films downloaded
to your iPad. Or, for that matter, who
gets the iPad.
It’s a tricky balance. Because of
the unprecedented extent to which
our lives now exist online, and how
quickly the digital sphere has evolved,
we’re in new territory.
In some ways, though, it’s nothing
more than a new twist on an age-old
conundrum. True, there are gadgets
and digital assets to be divvied
up, but it’s not that different from
splitting the proceeds of the house
sale or handing custody of the dog
to the person who feeds and walks
it. For the most part, your digital
investments can either be divided in
half or only one person gets them.
The major distinction is in how
much of your identity, personality,
actions and memories exist in a
digital context - and how much those
ephemeral aspects are interwoven.
IntroductionDivorce is one of life’s most stressful events, taking financial, emotional, mental and
even physical tolls on those affected both directly and indirectly. With the advent of
new technology, there’s one more stress factor to add to that list: digital.
Judy Bitterli is a Senior
Vice President at AVG.
She blogs about online
experiences at
http://blogs.avg.com

4.
I
f social media played a part in your
marriage breakdown, as it reportedly
did in some 80 percent of U.S. divorces
in 2012, then deciding who’ll claim the
family Facebook account may be the
least of your concerns. But don’t expect
to kiss it goodbye quite so soon.
Divorce lawyers are increasingly citing
content discovered on digital sources
as evidence in negotiations and court
proceedings. Social media, in particular,
has been a game-changer.
“The ultimate leverage is the fear factor,
the fear of having to explain what
you’ve done, on the witness stand,” said
Randall M. Kessler, an Atlanta-based
lawyer and past chair of the family
law sections of both the American
Bar Association and the State Bar of
Georgia.
It all comes back to your so-called
‘digital footprint,’ which is probably
bigger than you realize. Quite apart
from the obvious - the dubious status
updates, friendships rekindled online
and accounts with e-dating services -
other digital activity can raise red flags
of infidelity, poor parenting choices
and other factors important in divorce
proceedings.
Private content, such as e-mails,
financial transactions, cellphone records
and more, can be sought through
court. Then there are the smartphone
photos shared on social sites, image-
recognition searches, security cameras,
electronic toll collection systems and
so on: even if you’re scrupulous online,
you don’t have to step far from home to
have your actions captured, stored and
used in legal proceedings.
The digital trailWith more aspects of our lives being shared or stored online, the scope for
making an upsetting discovery - or being discovered - is more substantial than
ever before.
Be Safe Online Dealing With Digital Divorce www.avg.com 3
It all comes back to
your so-called ‘digital
footprint,’ which is
probably bigger than
you realize

5.
I
n custody disputes, digital habits or
flippant online comments can work
against parents. In 2011, a Connecticut
judge who ordered a couple to swap
social media passwords found in favor
of the father, citing unfavorable content
posted by the mother. In another case,
a mother’s claims of homeschooling
her daughter didn’t hold up when it was
discovered the mom was spending up to
10 hours a day playing online games.
Laws vary around the country and states
are struggling to keep up with the rapidly
evolving digital sphere. But given how
eager many people are to share their
every thought online, “catching and
finding [evidence] is going to be easier”
than ever, said Kessler, founder and
partner of Kessler & Solomiany in Atlanta.
Nor are clients permitted to delete
content, such as photos or comments
posted on social sites, which would be
considered spoliation of evidence and
could bring a court-imposed fine.
When it comes to social media use during
a divorce, Kessler’s advice, mirrored by
the American Academy of Matrimonial
Lawyers, is: Just don’t do it.
“Stop broadcasting your life and be sure
your friends don’t do it for you,” said
Kessler. “Don’t put anything out there
you don’t want to see in court. Just think
about it first and use common sense.”
If objectionable behavior does come to
light - and you can be sure that it will
- Kessler said, “The best way to fix it is
be honest and own up to it. I always tell
my clients it’s it’s better to be caught
cheating than lying because if you lie then
you forfeit your credibility.”
Social limitsHonesty is always the best policy. But sometimes too much sharing can land
spouses and parents in trouble.
Be Safe Online Dealing With Digital Divorce www.avg.com 4
When it comes
to social media
use during
a divorce,
Kessler’s
advice is: Just
don’t do it

6.
Digital ‘I dos’
Be Safe Online Dealing With Digital Divorce www.avg.com 5
Do take stock of your digital footprint and assess
what to do with any accounts or content
Do be respectful and restrained when it comes to
online communication with or about your ex
Do remember that you might have future dealings
with this person, and you certainly will if you have
children together. Things posted online live on
forever
Do continue verbal communication if possible.
Misunderstandings can sometimes be cleared up
with a dispassionate chat, and talking can limit the
damage from confusing or misinterpreted e-mails,
texts or posts
Do appreciate that your ex has a right to move on,
just as you do, and not everyone comes to terms with
change in the same time frame. The internet is great
for many reasons, but snooping into your ex’s online
activities is not one of them
Do take time before you delete digital content or
de-friend anyone; you might later regret disposing of
photos or communications, or losing touch with people
Do think carefully about how to announce your split.
Is Facebook really the right place, even if you’re just
changing your relationship status? Making rash status
updates might unintentionally hurt or alarm people
Do reach out for help from trusted friends or use
online resources for information on things such as
counseling, health or legal advice
DELETE

7.
...and ‘I don’ts’
Be Safe Online Dealing With Digital Divorce www.avg.com 6
!
*#$!
Don’t criticize, accuse, blame or stalk your former
partner, their family or friends, especially if you risk
saying or doing something online that could come
back to bite you
Don’t start a digital shouting match - no good can
come from it
Don’t text or post if you’re intoxicated or in a
particularly fragile state
Don’t keep a running online commentary on the
proceedings
Don’t sabotage your ex’s business online, such as by
posting negative reviews
Whatever you do, don’t air your dirty (video) laundry
for the world to see, no matter how much pleasure you
might get out of imagining your ex’s horror when (s)he
discovers those pictures hadn’t actually been deleted
Don’t jump to conclusions or read too much into
comments, posts or e-mails
Don’t hack your ex’s accounts or other content and
don’t try to destroy your own digital footprint; it’s
almost impossible to completely delete information
online, and it could work against you if an attorney
tracks it down

8.
E
ither way, consider taking the
pressure off others by asking
them not to take sides – although
perhaps without as much fanfare as
the Brooklyn couple who sang a chirpy
YouTube duet explaining their split and
asking for support.
Unravelling your shared digital assets
is another story. Start by making an
inventory: downloads, such as Netflix;
photo- or video-sharing and social
sites; cloud-based content; online
games or interactive communities;
e-commerce such as PayPal, Amazon or
eBay accounts. Can you discuss how to
divide these, or what to do with things
such as photos? Each service’s terms
and conditions should state whether
they are transferable. A mediator or
attorney may need to get involved,
or there is software to manage the
process and keep both sides up to
speed.
A shared online business or other
digital financial interests could be
more complicated to sort out, and
will probably require professional
legal advice.
What about your social presence? You
can deactivate your account or change
passwords and privacy settings. But
technically, any intellectual property -
photos, videos and other content - may
belong to the social site. Facebook’s
terms of service state that users “grant
us a non-exclusive, transferable, sub-
licensable, royalty-free, worldwide
license to use any Intellectual Property
content that you post on or in
connection with Facebook.” That means
everything from your ‘relationship
status’ to your shared wedding album
belongs to Facebook.
FriendsDo you plan to stay connected with your ex on social networks, such as
LinkedIn? Friends and other mutual acquaintances will take cues from the way
you handle the situation.
Be Safe Online Dealing With Digital Divorce www.avg.com 7

9.
Texting about drop-off times and
locations may be less fraught than a
telephone conversation, and e-mail
works wonders for agreeing to upcoming
schedule changes or small requests that
don’t require a phone call.
A word of caution, though: written
messages can be easily misconstrued,
so try not to jump to conclusions. Before
firing off a passive-aggressive reply, take
a deep breath and dial your ex’s number,
if possible.
If you or your children have moved or
visitation times are otherwise limited,
photo-sharing sites and video links
may work well. Skype and FaceTime can
somewhat normalize the situation for
children, but video chats can take some
getting used to; don’t be surprised if
your children find it awkward or difficult
at first, and try not to put too much
pressure on them if they don’t want to
come to the screen.
These services also work well for former
in-laws who still want regular contact
with their grandchildren. If you’re not
comfortable inviting them to your house,
you can still support their relationship
with your children by suggesting they
keep in touch over a video link.
Online resources can work to your
benefit in other ways, too. Not only
can you research the kind of legal
representation you want, there are
even do-it-yourself-divorce ‘kits’ online
to minimize the costs. Additionally,
there are countless, reputable online
resources for helping you and your
children deal with these difficult
changes, or point you toward assistance
in your community.
Help at handOn the other hand, technology can actually make things easier, especially
if you have children together.
Be Safe Online Dealing With Digital Divorce www.avg.com 8

10.
Fresh start
With everything else you have to contend with during a divorce, sorting out
your digital dealings probably feels bewildering and intrusive. Wouldn’t it just be
easier to snap your laptop shut and let Twitter keep buzzing away without you?
Perhaps. But sooner or later, certain digital aspects will need your attention, and
the more control you have over your presence online, the less overwhelmed you
will feel.
If nothing else, think of it as a digital house cleaning: out with the old, in with
the new. You might even be pleasantly surprised by what you find.
Learn more about internet security at www.avg.com
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