The Last Word

I often reinforce how the key to understanding who you have been entangled with and therefore maximising your own prospects of moving on is to comprehend that we operate from a different perspective from you. That is why so much of what we say and do appears odd, irrational and downright perverse to you, yet completely normal and understandable to us. One of those ways in which the perspective affects the dynamic between my kind and your kind is the fact that we always want the final word. Now, of course, it may have occurred to you that since we regard the Narcissistic Relationship as one which lasts forever, how can there really be a last word? Once again, this does not matter to us and this highlights the contradictory nature of the way by which we behave. We are the ones in control and we must always exert that state of affairs. Therefore, within the Formal Relationship we want the last word in any discussion or argument. We want the last word when issuing our opinion about something. We want the last word when the Formal Relationship has been brought to conclusion. Indeed, even if you end the Formal Relationship and escape us we will still maintain that we had the last word and we ended it. We will skew the situation to maintain our control and sense of power, irrespective of what might actually have happened. This causes confusion, frustration and astonishment for you, which of course is all good fuel to us.

The need for the last word is also a device which is designed to set us on a collision course with your kind. You also want to have the last word. You want to be able to say your piece. You feel that it is only right that you are heard. You believe it to be a fundamental part of any relationship that you are heard and because you find yourself so annoyed, upset and frustrated with the way that we operate, this desire to have the last word, set us straight and assert your position becomes all the more important to you. If the Formal Relationship has ended, you also want to have the last say. You want to let us know what you really think of us. You want to make some last plea to the normalcy you believe still lurks somewhere inside of us. You want to make us hear you, listen and somehow accept that we are wrong and you are right. This desire of yours to say the last word is considerable and flies in the face of our own desire which of course leads to conflict, drama and opposition, all of which creates fuel which is what we want. You are left infuriated if you cannot have your say. You are furious if you have been denied the chance to articulate how you feel. You are upset that your desire to say what you want to say has been ignored, disregarded and treated in a roughshod manner. You want finality. You want some kind of closure and having the last say as we both stare at one another across the smoking ruins of our Formal Relationship is something which matters to you tremendously. We know this. This is why we make it so damn difficult for you to achieve, either talking over you, shouting you down, walking away or just disappearing. You feel cut-off, denied, unfulfilled and this gives us both Thought Fuel and Proximate Fuel if we stay to witness the reaction.

The need to have the last word also leads to you being susceptible to being hoovered because you feel that there are loose ends which need tying up. We know this and rely on it to keep you hooked and providing fuel to us without ever allowing you to tie up those loose ends correctly. It is all part of the way we continue to manipulate you. No doubt you have found yourself in such a situation. You may now have moved on and know that the last thing you ought to do is engage with us in this way, no matter how tempting it might be. You have learned it will only result in fuel, if handled incorrectly and at worse you might even succumb to our charm once again and be sucked into the Formal Relationship again. Yet the desire to say those things you wish you had been able to say all that time ago or even more recently remains strong and powerful. Of course what you might say now would perhaps differ from what you might have said back then, when you did not know better than what you know now. You did not know what you had been entangled with, nor how you had been manipulated and thus your words would take on a different form compared to if you said them now, armed with knowledge and understanding.

Think back, when the need to say those last words arose, if you could have said them, at the time, what would they have been?

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96 thoughts on “The Last Word”

No last word. I’ve ‘abandoned’ him and applied NC. The night before this happened, I mentioned him about NPD and he took the test. He seemed surprised that he had strong narc traits, but I definitely could notice he was also proud (doh! Of course). I am sure though he already knew, as reading your blog, HG, I found that he is a Greater. He is exactly as you described, applied every single strategy you’ve mentioned in your different posts.
Lately, he ‘sensed’ that something was wrong, he told me that (in the background, I was trying to keep a facade until I was ready to leave him, but my problem is that I am to expressive and my face betrays me…meh, I didn’t actually care that much as I knew he will not let go so soon). I told him that I will leave the county for two weeks to see my mom as she insists to visit her (bs and he knew it. We both did but said nothing). He then gave me a pop socket for my phone (lol. I understood the psychology of that before even digging into your blog) and then he said…I see you haven’t attach it to your phone yet…I responded ‘yes…’
The next morning he gave me a lift to the airport. Few hours later he texted me saying that he was feeling sick and he would go to sleep. Blocked him without replying, deleted photos, videos, friends of his and never spoken to him since. For me, he never woke back up.
It has been 3 days now…and thanks to you, I am prepared for everything and ready to fight it (obviously, on ‘silent mode’).

The thing is that I was realizing that I was manipulated and he knew that I knew (I was aware at every moment, but It felt like a battle, he was applying his narcissistic strategies, I was testing my people reading abilities and instincts), but I would still provide a s**t ton of fuel because it intreaged me. I also applied ‘silent treatments’ in these 4 months of ‘relationship’ (they were actually NC attempts that failed, of course after few hours and when I was responding to his text I was inventing something that none of us would believe)…This happened until I discovered your blog and understood how your kind see things, from your perspective. For me it was a game, a test environment, for you, a lifestyle. The fact is that I was so sucked up into this, that It made me forgot that the ‘rat in the cage’ was actually me.

Unfortunately my mom leaves with a Lesser for more that 8 years and my attempts to help her failed. I will not give up tho. (I can so read him right now and he doesn’t even know what he is, but guess what – I do. Is this power or what?)

PS I am still intreaged about your kind. I know what you can do to others and how harmful and devastating this is for empaths like myself, but I still find it fascinating…as long as you stay away from my family and friends.

I am cold as ice right now, but who can say if that is right or wrong. Am I broken?

As always H G. beautifully written beautifully stated! One question only this time LOL: after learning so much from you through your articles and books Isnd pvt consultations, i encountered my ex narc in a restaurant. He spoke to me for about 10 minutes and I could clearly see the lies the pity play and the facade. I followed your advice and had a look of boredom I said I had to leave and I left.
My question is for the next two days I felt totally depressed sad and sick inside just by having encountered him why did I feel so terrible and empty inside. I really need to hear what you have to say it was the first time they said happened since January and I felt really really bad.
As always my deepest gratitude 🌺

Never knew about narcs until a few weeks ago when I found your site. Informative.

met this guy around Easter, he semed great. Came on super strong. Then rollercoaster. Within a couple weeks noticed the silent treatment thing. It was confusing. He swore he’s never do it again. I back off. Don’t call him text nothing. Move on.

He texts. 4 days later. He discloses he’s got a girlfriend. She’s married. Says they ended it. Wants to pursue with me. We resume communication. He throws barbs occasionally. Says he’s just kidding.

Fast forward to Sunday. We had plans. I had a bit of a conflict so told him we may need to reschedule. He said, “ok, let me know.” About an hour later, I got freed up and called him. He said he just took some muscle relaxants and was going to sleep. Slurred his speech and pretended to fall asleep. Yeah ok. Drove by later and he’s not home. Message him and no reply. Pissed.

Next day call and he doesn’t answer. Blow up his phone. He blocks. I call with blocked number. He turns phone off. Royally pissed. Posted on Facebook copy of his texts saying he loves me etc. Wrote a paragraph about what I thought of him. “Worthless, 35 year old, loser, diaper wearing, garbage man living at home with his parents.” Short. Concise. True. Left it there for a couple hours. Less pissed. Took posts down following day. Went out. Had fun. Posted normal stuff. Not mad at all.

Thank you for your site. Reading it made me realize he’s not the first narc I’ve attracted in my life. One of many.

I’ve been working with a therapist for the past two years. Learned a lot about my motivations. Unlike before it didn’t last this time. I didn’t lie to myself and try to assign my human perspectives onto him. Recognized the patterns. Saw it for what it was.

I’m thankful for his interruption because it did tie loose ends together. I’m no longer good fuel because I changed myself. I didn’t fill in blank spaces or reminisce about getting back to good. I faced my fear of abandonment and pushed him away. I got back out with people and allowed myself to have fun. And it’s good. Very good. Do I think of him? Of course. But it’s not debilitating. I let myself feel the loss. And the loss isn’t really about him at all. If I’m honest, the root of the loss occurred many years ago. He simply gave it a face, something to attach the loss to. So when I think I miss him, I swap his face out for with the right person.

I’ve read a lot of forums about people involved in relationships with narcissists and the torture but there is hope and it begins with asking yourself, “why do I attract these people?” “What am I getting out of this?” It’s been hard experience, getting help, but it has been worth it.

The last words to a man I do not love anymore. I have separated two or three times before with other normal men. What did I say to them? I tell you, because that would have been the same to him, if he was normal.
I would start with:
“I have to talk with you. Please sit down. It is not easy for me to talk about it, but it is necessary. I really appreciate you. We have had so many lovely times and events. together, you are a real fine person. I will always remember that. But I do not want to stay together with you. I cannot. I do not know, how to tell you this. I do not have enough feelings for you anymore. I am sorry for it, but I cannot change it. I want to be free.” Then I cried a little bit. He was shocked and angry and asked why? I told him: “We had so many struggles last year and you wanted to do so many things different than I wanted and I really have the need to do some things, you are not interested in. And if you are honest, even the sex was not like in the past. It has no sense anymore. I am really sad, but I have to go. I made my decision.”
“I will take all my clothes next week. I will call you for that. I am really sorry for it. I know, you need time now. But please, never forget, if you are in need some day, you can all me. I will be there for you. We have had a wonderful time. Please forgive me.”
This man said a year later to me: “Why have you been so nice to me, you left me?” ????????

He is happily married nowadays, he found a new woman, he could trust.
Therefore! I did it in a nice way. He is happy again, because I treated him well.
And how did it end with the narc? His hands around my neck, me screaming for the police. Wow. What a daily soap opera event!

It posted some pretty vile lies about me online as part of it’s smear campaign in a forum I regularly used . I didn’t respond but instead had the police make it a visit & it was told in no uncertain terms that if it bothered me again online or otherwise it would be prosecuted .

The comments were deleted by the mods almost immediately & I haven’t visited the site since .

My question is would this have caused a wound? and did I actually have the last word by saying nothing & getting the police involved ?.

It happened twice in my adult life, when I was seconds away from exploding. My tone of voice changed, and I became very still. I could not stop staring at them, wanting to jump at their throats. That’s probably what they saw in my eyes.

It’s not a deliberate act, more the instinctive reaction to severe betrayal and injustice. All in all, three times in 30+ years. And I’m learning not to let it get that far any more, because that kind of rage is dangerous.

“Can you expand on what you mean by Dr A believing in you when others did not?”

Academically. I spent most of my High School years in a grammar school for girls where many teachers were uncallable. Psychological warfare was the order of the day.

I could not fight them, so, I avoided to engage with them, and did not bother to rise beyond average. Dr. A. had a different teaching style, I liked him, and was among the best in his class. He was the only one who saw that the problem was not lack of intellectual ability but motivation. And he stated as such at a parent-teacher meeting. I never got the chance to thank him for that. But I found my passions at uni, and hope I did him proud.

“Now, Matilda, how DO we change him back?*looks through books for spells*”

He has to break the spell himself, that’s the trick! And the only way to become human again is to utter the magic word… ‘sorry’… hmmm, not looking good for this candidate, considering his unwillingness! But time is on our side, Indy. He will soon be tired of eating flies and beetles all day long. Hehe 😀

It feels kind of like I had the “last word” since I ghosted him. He’d been distant/quiet the days/week leading up to it, but that Tuesday he was attentive, writing me constantly, wanting me to sext him at work, etc. and I promised him a fun time after my weekly drinks with the girls. He wanted to talk about meeting again in person and I knew it was the time of year he would be driving through here for a work assignment. I was afraid if I saw him again in person, I’d somehow, even knowing what he is, end up sleeping with him, and would hate myself even before it happened. Or, he would convince me to say yes, and then he would reject/discard me just before, having gotten a “win.” So that night, after a glass of wine, I decided to just not go back. It’s not worth feeling that bad over a decent guy, but I’d driven myself crazy for months on end, just to be a sleaze ball’s “favorite” and now I wasn’t even that.

I still would have liked to tell him he’s pathetic if the only way he can feel good about himself is to be able to talk women into things. That he’s sick to get off on emotional sadism. I’d also thank him for what he’s taught me about myself and about what kind of man I should avoid. I’d still thank him for the orgasms. They were real and our conversations led to many. I don’t regret those or the intense kisses during our only in-person meeting.

HG,
I feel cruel for not at least saying goodbye, after a full year of our entanglement. But if I had, it would have been a one-way trip to Hooverville, wouldn’t it?

After my discard by text cause he didn’t want to talk to me or meet, My last words were: find yourself and have peace with it, it is the only way you can move on…. that was before i knew what all this was about

Saying nothing. Done in order to leave the door open. I also see it as exerting power (obvious statement I know). One upping. Creating confusion. Yet now as the fog dissipates I see it as PATHETIC. Laughable to think one sits on one’s phone concocting and controlling someone they (actually) have no control over. Thank God I have begun to see it all for what it was. Take back your power friends. It’s so simple. Every step towards the “heroin drip” means another step needed to get away from it ultimately. Recognize and run away.

On the day I last saw him, collecting my furniture, I gave him very close to nothing emotional. I made sure I stayed close to the removal men. (Even they were disturbed by his attitude they told me afterwards). He kept trying to provoke me so I decided to sit in the car away from him. Right at the end he followed me to my car and lied about my owing money to try and provoke me again. Then flounced off.

His last words via text soon after were “don’t ever fucking darken my door again”. I didn’t respond and simply blocked his number and Facebook profile.

It’s only been three months of NC, but I think I’ll be left in peace unless we both happen to attend the same event. But in any case the plan would be to ignore him completely and if he were to approach it would be deadpanning all the way, even if he had his new lady in tow. I have found a closure of sorts on this blog and really have no desire to say any last words to him. My life is already more fulfilled now he is no longer in it and so I am resolved never to succumb again. I know what it would cost me.

my last words before knowing I had to implement n/c ….”You are right, this is all MY fault” …. there is NEVER closure and I know that after years of the devalue/disengagement *see saw* of the formal relationship (marriage)

The ex greater elite called after I initiated a hoover by texting him a photograph of when he first started grooming me. It was an act of rage.

He called and one of the things he asked was about my job. I didn’t have to say much at all except google the name “XYZ” and he did. He read allowed about this new boss. I could tell the fury was boiling over because he stopped reading allowed midway. All he said was “I see that he is 8 years younger than you”. I knew in that moment that the ex greater had decided I sleeping with the new boss but I’m not and there was certainly no point in stating that I wasn’t.

The new boss has accomplishments that will forever transcend the ex greater and the ex greater knew that while he was reading. The new boss is also 26 years younger than the ex greater.

I actually felt sorry for him while he was reading but it was a fleeting feeling. After all the ways he caused me to feel lesser than, I finally had my chance to say nothing and cause him to feel he is lesser than.

In the end, I sincerely hope it caused wounding if even for a second. I am nowhere near any sphere of influence. The feelings of wanting to be contacted or hovered are gone. He will not even live much longer, maybe 15 years. I guess those weren’t really last words since he read the words. I didn’t really have to say anything.

Thats satisfying because like you said 12345 it was his turn to feel inferior after doing that to you. As empaths we feel guilt when we should feel satisfaction! He deserved to feel that way. A younger more accomplished man that youd be interacting with. Too perfect! 👍 If that were your narcs situation with a younger accomplished woman not only would he get satisfaction im sure hed triangulate her with you and enjoy making you feel inferior. Nice to see he got a dose of his own medicine!

I sent a email which read ….
I know what you are
I know why you contacting me
You’ll never get the opportunity again
I am no longer interested in who you are with , what you do , where you live or even if you take your medication
You are a high functioning narcissist that hurts others for your own gain
You are a heartless , soulless predator who seeks out honest innocent women
Have you ever wondered why you have no friends ?
Or why you didn’t cry at your brothers funeral and never have shed a tear ?
I am not your friend , you are nothing to me
I’m free from you , I’m free of all your drama but most of all I’m free from the toxic horrible relationship I had with you .
I suggest you look up HG Tudor .

In my last message to him after the discard and before I found out what he is i thanked him for everything he did for me , I apologized if I hurt him in any way as this was never my intention and I wished him well.
I don’t regret those words even though i have more knowledge and better understanding now.

My last words were full of calm disillusionment about what happened, but also of love towards him and acceptance that the cord must be cut now. I chose my words very carefully… I knew it was the last time I would ever address him…

Somehow I don’t have the need to say anything bad to any of them.
I sent my sister the story of Goldinarc, pasted it in the email. She knows what I mean by that. And surprise surprise here comes her riposte in the form of a long email in which she openly admits that her behavior comes straight from pure evil, alongside pointing out all of my mistakes.
I was her target my entire life so she feels no need to keep any facade. She assures herself if other ppl can tell she’s evil, that matters the most to her and then she writes all the nice things other ppl do /did for her.

I learned the most about myself though, that even if I try I’m unable to hate anyone. It would only make me feel worse about myself, and that’s what I’m trying to avoid doing.

I did have the last word and what I said was “I told you I know you are a sociopath and with knowledge comes power which is why you cannot push my buttons or hurt me anymore” that was eight months ago and I have not heard a peep from him since. Of course I went no contact so he could not contact me.

Robin..congrats on 8 months! I really do think once a narcissist knows you have no hope left and know what youre dealing with they disappear. It sets the hoover bar too high with risk of rejection and ego crushing. The lesser i think puts less importance on rejection than a greater but if they have lots of fuel in their network of supplys they arent as worried about rejection. Its good you went full no contact. So many think no contact is not talking to them but its blocking them so they cant get in touch with you.

I faked cumming every time.
I still cant retrieve my eyeballs from how far up in my skull theyve rolled at your lack of intellect.
Your silent treatments were heaven.
I fucked your Lieutenant.
E.T called for clearance to land on that crop circle on your head.
I never believed you had Cancer. It doesnt waste time on rotting flesh.
You have some concerning warts near your starfish that you should have the Doc look at.
My first pocket Narc! I shall treasure it always. (He was short)
Oh come on, dont be a baby and play with me some more-I can up your game.

Ok I DID say all of those, so I think what Master Tudor is looking for might be something along the lines of……………

“I know you’ve been screwing MW, JW, and others behind my back, you bastard fucktard. Let’s be honest; if it’s got a hole, you’d fuck it… You’re a misogynist, a pathological lair, a bully… What? It’s MY fault? Funny, I don’t see it that way. This is your mummy’s doing. You want her validation, her love you never felt entitled to. She can’t or she won’t. You know it so why cling onto the pain? Let it go. For God’s sake, let the pain leave you and love will fill the void… Trust me.”

Thanks for this blog HG, I really enjoyed writing this. Sorry of I got carried away. Btw, I saw N today first time in ages. He looked sheepish and embarrassed. He tried to talk to me so I walked away. 🙂

I’ve always gotten the last word I can outtalk any narc. Usually I badger them with logic or unexpected messages, I’m an empath but I’ve learned some fucked up mind games from dealing with you guys all my life. Block my number? I download a free WiFi phone that recycles the number. You can block me on Facebook but Magic Johnson, profile #2 can keep going. Give back your gifts, be bummed for a sec, then once you accept a narc is a narc…you’re happy for a silent treatment. When they realize you like it, they’re confused and often butt hurt. Man, I’m a cunt.

I agree, what i said when we broke up 4 yrs ago isnt what id say now if or when we break up. If i were to end it id definitely tell the narc what he is. I suspect he already knows bc hes hinted at it. I do wonder if hes aware i know bc im sure hes followed me on facebook. You need a course on facebook to maneuver your privacy! Initially i didnt think i would tell him but now i would. I think not only is it important he know if he already doesnt but also that ” i know”! Thatll set his hoover bar very high. The gigs up more or less.
Another thing is id let him know i know certain things about him. Things i think he wanted me to half know but wasnt sure i fully knew.
Then id calmly tell him what he had meant to me but that its changed and theres nothing to build on. Id state clearly that all forms of communication would be closed and that we needed to move on. No tears, no hysterics, no fuel just the facts. Then id leave. That is exactly how my last word would be.

That’s the only thing I’m proud of – that I didn’t give him the last word! After the discard, he was supposed to pick up your clothes in a few weeks, we even fixed the date. But as the deadline was coming close I realized that all he wants to do is to put on his Armani suit and come here and watch me cry saying “look how fabulous I am and how pathetic you are”. Once I understood what is going on I just packed his stuff and sent it via post with no explanation, no warning, not a word.

What happened once he realized that there will be no final meeting and no final word? Fury! A lot of phone calls, one by one, a lot of messages trying to suck me back into this madness but I already knew I should stay no contact… The next thing was blocking me on social media. I guess I wounded him HG, hope you’re proud of me.

“god you’re such a fucking sick cunt
sociopath through and through
I want my things back…”

Never received a reply. I’m actually pretty proud of my last words. If I could do it all over, I would not ask for my things back, and would maybe elaborate a bit on the sociopath part. It was before I figured out the actual truth. I actually didn’t know what my last words were until I went back and checked, I don’t think I’ll be hoovered anytime soon *insert yellow blob*

At least he’ll have to find another petrol station because he’s banned from mine. Pretty sure he’s already got a new primary source though. I am curious if he’ll understand about narcissism – and particularly about himself – once he gets further in his studies. He’s in his second year of psychology. But I guess there’s not much of a chance.

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