You Bet I’ll Fight Patch Adams

“The original pirate was Black Hat, who was the father of Bluebeard and the grandfather of Red Lobster. But then he got murdered when someone offered a “three for one” deal for $4.95.”

I’ve just about had it with that stupid guy with the pirate hat. Who does he think he is? A pirate? Not really. Pirates don’t dress up like Robin Williams. And if he doesn’t like it I may have to fight him.

The original pirate was Black Hat, who was the father of Bluebeard and the grandfather of Red Lobster. But then he got murdered when someone offered a “three for one” deal for $4.95. Murdered! And Patch Adams was reportedly on the scene later that day. That just shows you how low he’ll sink.

If I fought him he might try to hit me with clown tools, so I’d have to fight back in a different way. He’d ask me to look at his flower (a secret water shooter) and I’d hold up the latest copy of “In Style” magazine. “Jennifer Aniston still believes in true love, stupid!” That’d stop him in his tracks, and I’d be there to win the title from him.

The bad part, though, is that I’d have to go around to hospitals and tell jokes. I was in a hospital once and the doctor made a joke about “those lungs of yours are begging for a break.” So I wrote out a prescription for some sleeping pills and told him to take two before bed and then get up really early, but he said “That’s MY job, you idiot!” I told the nurse that he had Brain Disease and should be kept away from penguins for a few days. I bet it made the patients happy to know that things were getting done.