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Saturday, August 6, 2011

Twenty One Months

21 months might not seem like a significant amount of time for most.

Today my little one is 21 months and 21 months ago, on November 6, 2010, my only baby became a big brother. No longer considered 'our baby'. Oh he was still our baby but he wasn't the baby.

Twenty one months ago my husband and I became parents of two.

Two boys.

They are both my babies.

Always will be.

______________

I remember it well. That day, almost 2 years ago.

In the curtained room waiting for the doctor, in my beautiful blue patterned hospital smock, anticipating, anxious, excited. There I sat. Waiting. And thinking. And extremely emotional. Tears coursed down my cheeks, my throat so thick that to speak would have been impossible. Then the doctor walked in. She was startled seeing my state. Then compassionate. And simply lovely.

When you have your first baby, you have no idea. No clue about the enormity of love that will encompass every cell of your being. That feeling of enormity only becomes greater as the days go by. That was why when I sat....and waited....and thought. I became so positively overwhelmed about this unborn human being, a sweet soul who always moved so gently, soon to enter our little family. I already knew the love.

And it just became more.

On the drive home, with Finley bundled and safe in his car seat. Quiet, such a gentle, reticent baby. Already so different than my first. I had this feeling, this dark undercurrent of guilt (on top of the always present) against the bright joy of having just delivered our second son. And I cried again. Sobbed really. I missed my baby, now considered my eldest. The big brother.

Another baby boy. What I always wished for. Oh, I know people say "as long as it's healthy it doesn't matter". Of-course everyone wants a healthy baby. I'm just being honest. But now there were two. And Adrian was not only no longer the baby, he was no longer the only boy. And he was a mere 21 months. Not quite a baby yet barely a toddler. So little. So innocent. Our whole world for our whole lives as parents. I cried, my mind muddled in a sea of mixed sentiment, my body a raging influx of hormones, as my husband drove quiet but present, his hand in mine, the other on the steering wheel of the truck. Glancing at me with concern, concealed with amusement. Bemusement. I couldn't wait to see Adrian again. Watch his reaction, read his face. But I worried. I knew that I was lucky. Bestowed with 2 beautiful, healthy boys. But. How would he be...how would he handle not being our whole world in just one day?

It only takes a moment for a world to be rocked.

He handled it beautifully. I look at Finley now at 21 months old and think, yes, wow, he IS such a baby. Adrian was such a baby. Yet. He very rarely showed any signs of jealousy or intolerance for his little brother. Yes, he got into things, wreaked havoc, usually while I was nursing. That was only normal and on par with his personality anyway.

What surprised and delighted me was his paternal instinct. Wanting to diaper his stuffed animals and bicycling his favourite bear's legs diagnosing the fact that he "got gas Mumma".

And since then brotherhood has bloomed and taken a deep hold. Such a sweet yet boorish sight to behold at times.

I love to watch them. Together. Playing superheros. Laughing maniacally at seemingly nothing. Even when they're being complete barbarians to each other and driving me barmy, it's hard for me not to feel an inkling of...supreme gratefulness.

Because truly this is all I ever wanted.

A Family.

Myown family.

21 months ago we all became.

Oh it was hard.

There was a deluge of chaos. crying. tenderness. emotion. exhaustion.

And yes, it was difficult. It still is. And through the twists, turns, hits and falls of life it will be.

6 comments:

OH my GOD, beautiful post, beautiful description of growing a family and all that it involves, how it all changes in an instant - and I loved that: double the love. (-:PS: What BEAUTIFUL boys, and fab photographs of them!!

That super hero stand off pictures is PRICELESS. Your children are absolutely beautiful.

This post totally got to me, January. I remember all too well some of those same feelings when we brought out second home. I wasn't even sure how I could love a second as much as I loved Anders and I felt guilty for infringing on his babyhood, but I love them both deeply and equally and even better...they love each other.

They are SO cute together! You write so beautifully and you have such a way of capturing the moments perfectly. I remember feeling so worried about how Cole and Bella would react when we would bring Garrett and Landon home. The transition went so much better than I had anticipated, thankfully.

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Welcome to my humble blog...you can take from it what you will but hopefully it will make you smile. It's simply a telling of tales about being a full time Mommy of 2 active, very young boys and wife of a very busy, world travelling but fantastic husband and father. I'm what some would call a work widow I suppose...oh and I have a dog (kinda like a 3rd child without the screaming) She's the only other female in our house, a part of our family and she too will be a part of the stories I tell.