30 By 30: Confession: I Sometimes Hate My Body

Ed. note: Content could be triggering. Keep in mind that this is a personal account and neither the author nor Blisstree want you to hate your body.

I have a new job. And it’s absolutely amazing. It’s perfect for me and I love it and I am really, really excellent at it. I give it 115% all the time. I come home satisfied at the end of the day and I wake up excited to get started the next morning. I’m already seeing results from my work and it makes me feel so good. I want my career to be successful, so I give it my all. All of the time.

It’s been 5 months since I started this column and I have gained and lost the same 6 pounds over and over again. Every time I start out on a downhill path, I get excited and promptly regain the pounds I just lost. When I’m honest with myself, I haven’t been giving my lifestyle 100% at all. I’ve barely given 25%. And it shows.

Last week, I somehow started to plan/dream/envision my 30th birthday party (Yes, I realize that it’s 8 months away, but I’m an event planner by trade, so these things come up). I started thinking about where it would be and who would come and what we would do and how it would look and what I would wear and WAIT. What would I wear? WAIT AGAIN. I’ve only lost 5 pounds this whole year and I want to lose 30 and oh my god what if I’m still the fat funny girl at my 30th birthday party. I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I want to be thin and successful in my healthy lifestyle. So why I am not giving this my all, all of the time?

When I lost 60 pounds a few years ago, I still hated my body. I felt more confident, yes, but I was still embarrassed and ashamed of the way I looked. I would pull out size 16 at the store even though I knew I was wearing an 8. I would grab the now oversized XL sweater from my closet instead of putting on the new Medium I had just bought. I’ve never been skinny by any stretch of the imagination, so how could my body possibly be something I was proud of at all?

I worked really hard (physically and mentally) to become proud of my body at whatever size. My mantra when I am working out is “You are Strong. You are Beautiful. You are Worth it.” Whenever I feel like I’m about to die of exhaustion, or that I cannot possibly hold a yoga pose one more minute, when the endless elliptical rounds make it seem like I’ll never be the girl that parades around an LA rooftop pool in a string bikini, I silently whisper this to myself as a reminder that I am worth working hard. And while I may not be the prettiest girl by conventional standards, I am a beautiful person. It sounds cheesy, but it’s 100% true. I’ve been doing it for the past 5 years and every time it feels me with a tremendous sense of determination and dedication.

I’ve been thinking about that mantra a lot lately. I’ve been beating myself up pretty hard when I look in the mirror. Double chins and a round stomach, back rolls and a too big booty. Every way I turn there’s something to make me hate on myself.

But as long as I’m doing this hating, ignoring my challenges, pressing my snooze, eating and drinking whatever I please, it’s never going to get better. I know I would be okay if I didn’t ever lose a single pound. But would I be the best version of myself? Not in the least bit. I’ve seen the other side of the bridge, albeit briefly, and I know that the joy that exists there is far beyond the pain and hatred I toss upon myself each day. Next month will be my halfway point, so to honor that, I’m going to join a diet program that has helped me in the past, and commit to staying on track for the rest of the summer. If I can give my job 115%, I can definitely give 120% to my body. And in the meantime, I’m giving my mind a mental vacation while I remind it what it means to be good to itself. 100% of the time.

Weekly Wrap Up:

I am currently on vacation and have been away from home for 2 weeks. There is no scale in sight but I’ll be sure to provide updated numbers next week!