Gamer’s Hangover News Report 09.08.03

AND we’re late again. I only put off turning in the GH if it’s for a good reason, and watching the Raiders lose is ALWAYS a good reason.

Quasi-random thoughts:

My condolences go out to Bryan Berg, whose Jets were the first team to lose in the NFL this season.

Before my Madden 2004 experience, the ONLY two times I had played a commercial game online were once when I played X-Wing vs. Tie Fighter with my friends Guy and Patrick, and one other time when I worked up the courage to play Diablo online, sauntered in, and was immediately killed in the village by some bozo with cheats running. The last online game of any sort I had played was some chess on Yahoo when I lost to some putz 5 times in a row before I finally got the upper hand in a game. When he saw that I had him, he offered draws, he offered to cancel the game, anything to get out of losing. I told him to take it like a man, and he got up and left the table. The good news is that it still stuck him with the loss and the accompanying ratings hit.

News articles are claiming that Madonna’s Gap spots are her attempt to battle against the ever-shrinking scope of pop music. I’d call it trying to cash in before she officially hits her LATE 40s.

Yes, she was an innovator, yes she is one of the most influential artists in pop music history, yes she’s still amazingly fit for a middle-aged woman; but none of that changes the fact that she’s had one, ONE song since the “Dick Tracy” album that I’ve actually wanted to listen to. I haven’t found her attractive since the “Secret” video came out. Really, who said that video was okay for release? That was the first time I realized that Madonna was turning into an Old Italian Woman, and you didn’t have to look hard at that video to see it.

The funniest thing I’ve heard all week: A serious discussion of NAMBLA on the O’Reilly Factor. I was in tears, I was laughing so hard.

Still not tired of the Chiefs Gatorade commercial, just so you know.

Okay, I know I promised a recap of Zoobilee this week, and I’m sure you all were waiting with baited breath to read it, but I’m going to have to delay that for a week. You see, there were some big plot twists that occurred on Saturday that I don’t want to rush through telling, and I was very very drunk when I got home Saturday night. So the Zoobilee feature will be next week, and the recap of my experiences at the Chiefs/Steelers game will probably be the week after that, just for planning purposes.

NEWS

As always, news is provided by GameDaily.com.

I’m mailing this first one in, but only this one, and only because you can’t improve upon absurdity.

Walk of Gamers Planned
Sony’s Metreon center in San Francisco is planning on rolling out the videogame equivalent to Hollywood’s Walk of Fame.

The company will launch a website in October as a “sounding board” for gamers to give their feedback on which titles and franchises are worthy of the honor to be included in the “Walk of Game.” Those eventually chosen will be given stars inside the 350,000 square foot complex.

I’m starting the campaign right now: VOTE FOR TECMO BOWL!

FTC To Examine How Best To Annoy Gamers And Destroy Freedom Of Sale
The Federal Trade Commission is planning a one-day “public workshop” to “examine issues related to the marketing of violent entertainment to children.” This so-called “workshop” is scheduled for October 29 at the FTC Conference Center in Washington D.C. According to the organizers, the event is to provide “a forum for discussing the state of self-regulation in the entertainment industry and, in particular, children’s access to products that have been rated as potentially inappropriate for them or have been labeled with a parental advisory.” It’s pretty much a foregone conclusion that someone will be making a push to require some sort of legal ID and/or set completely arbitrary ages at which certain video games can be purchased. The funny thing is that the organizers actually admit that there is a mechanism for self-regulation, although they seem to forget that that mechanism is, in fact, the PARENTS THEMSELVES. I have said this before, and I will say it again and again: There is a rating system in place, therefore the burden of responsibility for game content and distribution lies with the parents, not with ANYBODY else. As a parent, I can say that I wouldn’t want it any other way.

For those that would like to crash”¦er”¦attend the conference, it’s at 601 New Jersey Ave. in D.C. Represent, gamers!

EB Canada Believes There’s A Market For N-Gage. Isn’t That Cute?
Electronics Boutique Canada has been announced as a vendor for the overdone piece of Sharper Image-esque technology that is the Nokia N-Gage. The device is predicted to retail for $449.00 in Canada, so get there early, so’s to avoid the vacuum of excitement surrounding it’s October 7 release.

Madden Victorious, Top Candidate For Bengals Coaching Job. The Game, I Mean.
If you believe Electronic Arts, Madden NFL 2004 has sold over two million units in just over three weeks of release. EBGames CEO Jeff Griffiths and GameStop COO Dan DeMatteo are both on record as saying that the latest Madden game is the fastest selling game either store chain has ever seen; but oh, how quickly we forget about Tomb Raider: Angel of Darkness, do we? Can we?

In another shocking bit of news, EA claims that NCAA Football 2004 has sold almost one million units, and that between the two football games, over 200,000 new accounts for online play for the PlayStation2 version alone. My own personal experience not only corroborates this information, but estimates the average disconnect rate among online EA football players at just under 70 percent. Yes, I’m bitter.

BloodRayne To Bring More Video Game Suckage To The Movies
Riding the wave of success created by video-game inspired movies “Street Fighter”, “Mortal Kombat”, and “Resident Evil”, it was announced this week that Boll KG and BloodRayne owner Majesco are teaming up to bring the video game to the big screen, and I don’t mean my living room.

Filming is expected to begin in 2004, under the direction of Dr. Uwe Boll. Boll will also executive produce (i.e. sit around and bitch about) the movie, which has a current budget of around $30 million. Shawn Williamson of Brightlight Pictures will produce the movie.

For those unfamiliar with the game: CIA. Sexy, female vampire operative. Fill in the blanks. Early casting wishes were unavailable, but expect Milla Jovovich to turn it down at least once.

Someone Got Paid To Do This
During an obvious lull in the planning for EA’s invasion of Quebec, someone at Electronic Arts thought it would be news worthy if they did what EVERY SINGLE VIDEO-GAME PLAYING NFL FAN IN THE WORLD has already done and simulated the 2004 season using the Franchise Mode of Madden 2004.

For the sake of *snicker* statistical accuracy they simulated the season 30 times. The statistical *laugh* winner was the Miami Dolphins who reached the Super Bowl 13 times and won it 7 times. Mind you this is the same team that just lost a hard fought game to the Houston Texans.

I could tell you some of the other top finishers, but forgive me if I don’t believe them, based on what I’ve already reported.

Someone actually got paid for that at EA. They probably got a back massage and a lap dance at the PlayerBoy Mansion while doing it, too. Damn, where’s my resume?

ESPN Gives Big F*** You To Game Partner Sega.
Proving that, even with the excellent-but-surreal commercials for ESPN NFL Football, ESPN is far more interested in filling the advertising coffers than backing their own licensed product; EA Sports has been chosen as this year’s sponsor of a long-running weekly NFL show on the network.

The EA Sports NFL Matchup Show airs four times a week during the NFL season. The show is hosted by Suzy (helloooooooo nurse!) Kolber, Ron Jaworski, and Merril Hoge. In an even bigger insult, the show will use Madden each week to discuss strategy and evaluate actual NFL matchups. Viewers can even submit questions to be answered on the show through the EA Sports website.

“We are very excited about the marriage of NFL Matchup and EA Sports,” said Jaworski. “The graphics in Madden NFL 2004 are so realistic and in some ways it’s better than watching the coaches video that I break down on a weekly basis.”

The Over-Under for the Sega/ESPN partnership is 3 years. Place your bets now.

Anyone else get the feeling that a LOT of college-bound kids got PCs that week? Make sure those firewalls are up kids! Protect yourself against all kinds of diseases, from VD to SoBig! Make sure to move from dorm room to dorm room so the RIAA magic bullet legal assault squad doesn’t pinpoint your location!

Why isn’t there a cross-promotion for college students with Norton AntiVirus and Trojan condoms?

Deconstructing The News

Your semi-periodic feature is back! This week, we take our seats in the War Room to pick apart the latest offering from Yahoo! news on the latest crop of NFL video games.

Things are going to be a little different this week, as Q: is off for his traditional pilgrimage to the first Cardinals game of the season, so I’ve enlisted the help of two of the people who got me hooked on MST3K in the first place, Cris Ary and Ken Wells.

Cris: Huzzah!
Ken: *grumbles*

Cris, as regular readers know by now, is the movie reviewer and general smart-ass for The Warp Zone. Ken is an editor, web design guru, and occasional columnist for The Topeka Capitol-Journal. Both of them are better writers than I, and I have to give a big thanks to them for giving me the confidence to start writing myself.

Ken: In other words; it’s our fault.
Cris: Please don’t flame us.

Let’s begin.

Competition Heavy in New NFL Games

(Gene Emery is a columnist who covers science and technology. His Internet address is GEmery(at)Cox.net. Any opinions in the column are his alone.)

Ken: In the event of your sucking we will disavow all knowledge of your existence.
Cris: Yahoo takes no responsibility for his comments, inaccurate facts, or the fact that he’s probably British and has absolutely no knowledge of gaming technology. He’s used to stalking David Beckham and Princess Di.
Cory: (at)?

By Gene Emery

Cory: Wait a minute, why do you think he’s British?

PROVIDENCE, R.I. (Reuters) – The National Football League’s on-field competition may be rough, but the battle to build the best football simulation game has gotten rather intense as well.

“Madden NFL 2004,” the 14th incarnation of the NFL game featuring legendary commentator John Madden,

Ken: Much as I hate to give an ex-Raider props, shouldn’t you, y’know, mention the fact that he’s a Super Bowl-winning coach? Might that give some gridiron cred?
Cory: To whom, the writer or Madden?
Cris: *giggles*

offers players some major improvements over last year’s edition which, actually wasn’t much different from “Madden ’02.”

“Madden ’04,” at least on the PlayStation 2, still has the precision that makes the game feel so real. But this year’s version also has an Owner Mode, which allows players to take control of their teams off the playing field by setting ticket prices, hiring staff and adding features to your stadium, like a big-screen TV or cup holders.

Cris: And if you live in Philadelphia, water fountains.
Ken: Uh”¦*flips through notes* “¦I don’t remember anything about cup holders.
Cory: It was on that page with the option to buy botox for the concession stand.
Cris: Botox is only available if you own the Dallas Cowboys.

Suddenly, winning becomes far more important than ever because the more games you win, the more fans you get, the more revenue you generate and the more resources you have to build a good team.

Cris: I hope they put the owner mode into NBA Live ’04, so I can take control of Portland and move them to Jamaica and call them the Rastas”¦or date Britney Spears”¦or send flowers to Shawn Kemp for the birth of his 20th illegitimate child”¦or hire the lawyers for Kobe’s defense team.

But you don’t need to get engrossed in the Owner Mode to have fun.

Ken: That’s what a social life is for.

The new game also offers more control, allowing you to make last-minute adjustments to the patterns of individual players if you notice something unusual in the offense or defense.

“Madden ’04” is a smarter game. In older versions, the computer would run out the clock on itself. That doesn’t happen now, making the game harder to beat.

Ken: Yes, now the computer isn’t playing like it swallowed a handful of percocets in the waning minutes of the game.
Cris: Because there’s nothing like beating yourself. *giggles*

If you want to play online, you’d better have a PS-2. The Xbox, PC and GameCube versions don’t let you compete over the Internet. You can also talk live to your opponents, but only if you have a broadband connection.

Cris: I have a PC version of Madden 2004 that says, “this guy is full of it.”
Cory: Yeah, what’s your online record now?
Cris: 6-4-0.
Cory: You suck.
Ken: No, I think that distinction belongs to you, Mister 0-6-2.
Cris: *snickers*

“Madden NFL 2004” is rated for everyone and is available for $50 for Xbox, GameCube and the PlayStation 2; for $35 for Windows; and GameBoy Advance will cost $30.

Ken: Don,t think of it as paying $50 now, think of it as an annual installment of $50.
Cris: Madden 2004 for PC- $39.99 (actual price)
A season of online Madden 04 with EA Sports ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬” Free
Making the video Michael Vick break his leg on the field ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬” Priceless.
Cory: *Double-Down Trent* “Okay, I’ll make Gretzky bleed for Superfan 99 over here.”

Xbox owners who want online competition may have to go with “NFL Fever 2004” ($50). Microsoft is hyping the game in conjunction with its XSNsports.com PC-based Web site that lets you set up one or more leagues, arrange games and view enough statistics to make any football fanatic choke on his Gatorade.

Ken: Or, if you’re a holder for the Giants, just choke, period.
Cris: I’d like to see someone choke on liquid.
Cory: *laughs- milk comes out of his nose*
Cris: Thank you.

Here’s how it works. Players find other members of their league via Xbox Live, Microsoft’s Xbox network, and compete with them in games.

Cris: Then, you can watch yourself turn into your evil twin, yelling at the screen while 13-year old brats either disconnect themselves as soon as you’re up 2 touchdowns, or call timeout with 3 seconds to go so they can score yet another touchdown on your candy ass and win 65-3.
Ken: Or use a cheat card to make sure every pass you throw ends up an interception.
Cris: And if you actually complete a pass, disconnect and accuse you of cheating.
Cory: Someone actually accused you of cheating?
Cris: I was playing Al Davis.
Ken: I’m guessing the lawsuits are pending.

When those games are finished, the results and all the statistics are incorporated into your personalized Web page on XSNsports.com.

Ken: …and collected and tabulated by the Department of Homeland Security….
Cory: *McCarthy* Mr. Emery, are you now, or have you ever been a customer of Sony or Nintendo?

Data junkies will also be able to view a list of upcoming matches, see the results of finished games, create a profile and check all the stats on upcoming opponents to gauge the types of plays they’re likely to run, and plot a strategy against them. There’s also a feature that rates players, so you can stay away from folks who are unreliable.

The XSNsports.com system is being inaugurated with this week’s release of “NFL Fever 2004,” but it will also be incorporated into Microsoft’s other sports titles: “NHL Rivals 2004;” “NBA Inside Drive 2004;” “Amped 2,” a snowboarding game; “Top Spin,” a tennis game; and “Links 2004,” the popular golf franchise.

As for “NFL Fever 2004” itself, the game also offers the ability to make play changes on the fly, create your own plays, and customize controls.

Cory: I’d like to set X to Panic,’ please.
Ken: *soothing computer voice* Press the Y button to rock back and forth and cry softly to yourself.
Cris: Ah, the Jon Kitna defense.

Sony’s “NFL GameDay 2004” ($50, PlayStation 2) is also going to be offering an online option similar to “Madden” but not as comprehensive as “NFL Fever.” Review copies of “GameDay” and “Fever” were not available at press time,”¦

Ken: So we’re just buying into what the companies tell us, but they never lie. Coming up next, our review of Duke Nukem Forever….
Cory: “¦followed by an exclusive preview of Doom III…
Cris: “¦and winding up with a sneak look at Halo II.

“¦both were scheduled to be on the shelves this weekend.

Cris: You see, actually seeing and playing a game for a game review is too professional and raises the journalistic bar a little too high.
Cory: Let alone that he completely omitted Sega’s ESPN NFL Football.

(Gene Emery is a columnist who covers science and technology. His Internet address is GEmery(at)Cox.net. Any opinions in the column are his alone.)

Ken: …Because no one else would ever share them….
Cris: Any rebroadcast, retransmission, or reenactments of this column must have expressed, written consent of the National Football League and CBS broadcasting. All rights reserved”¦for me to poop on.
Cory: This message repeats”¦.

NOT-SO-DAMN-SERIOUS-NON-GAME NEWS

The Ballad of Eddie Kennison

Two years ago, Eddie Kennison was in sad shape.

He was playing under the draconian rule of Evil Overlord Mike Shanahan in Denver, having to chase wild pitches from 2nd generation inept, Brian Griese, and realizing that his career was going nowhere thanks to the codependence Greise had with Broncos receiver Rod Smith.

Eddie was missing his younger days. The days he spent as a member of Dick Vermeil’s St. Louis Rams. He missed the explosiveness of the offense, the excitement on the sidelines, the opportunity to catch more than two balls a game there.

He really, really wanted to play for Coach Vermeil again; since Coach Vermeil was 10 times the coach Shanahan was, and about 1,000 times nicer. But the problem was obvious: Vermeil was now coaching the Kansas City Chiefs; a division rival to the Broncos. The Chiefs had nothing to give for Kennison, and Shanahan wouldn’t give them a decent receiver anyway, even if he sat Kennison to do it, which he did more and more frequently.

Between a rock and a hard-ass, Eddie Kennison devised a plan that Brian Pillman would’ve been proud of.

You see, Eddie wasn’t just a dumb jock. Eddie was”¦.IS a smart man. Eddie realized that Shanahan wouldn’t deal him to the Chiefs, even if he asked him to. Truth be told, he’d probably deal him somewhere else just out of spite. So he had to figure out a way to get out of his contract with Denver.

He went in one day and told Shanahan that his heart wasn’t in the game any more, and he wanted to retire.

Now, Eddie is a smart man. Smart enough to know the mountain of ego that is Mike Shanahan. He made his “decision” to retire. Shanahan accepted, probably relieved to have the open roster spot and the free cap room.

Problem solved, right? Wrong. If Eddie had gone straight to the Chiefs then, Shanahan would have called the league faster than Sebastian Janikowski running to a Krispy Kreme and cried collusion. Not only would he not get to play for Coach Vermeil, the Chiefs would get fined, and he would get fined and probably never play seriously again. So here is where his genius really came into play: He called Shanahan and told him that he had made a hasty decision to retire, and that he wanted back in.

His knowledge of Shanahan’s ego was perfect. Shanahan told him to hit the road, and thus he did, right down I-70, to the Kansas City Chiefs front office. Two weeks later, he was the #2 receiver, and two years later he’s the #1 receiver on a contending team instead of trying to do the Jedi Mind Trick on Jake Plummer passes from the slot.

By calling back Shanahan and asking to come back, he forced Shanahan to make the decision on whether he wanted him or not. By telling him to f*** off, Shanahan waived all rights to Kennison ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬” basically making him a free man.

And that’s why Eddie Kennison is the Smartest Man In The NFL So now you know.

PLUGS, PIMPS, AND THANKS

First an e-mail from regular James, who’s been here before under the e-mail name Christian, and is an employee of my favorite rental place in the whole wide world:

Hey there Cory!

Just read your Labor Day edition of the Gamer’s Hangover, and I have to say, I have a solution for you!

I’m pretty sure I’ve mailed you about it, but I work at the Game Crazy (Coming soon to a Hollywood Video near you!) in Lafayette, IN. And we have two, count them two, copies of Halo, previously played and itching to find the hands of the right person. And it’s $15 bucks less than buying it new.

If you’re interested, I will save you a copy. You send me a check, and I’ll ship it to you. I’ll even throw in my employee discount on it dropping the price to about $28, just so you can review this fine, fine game and if you’ll plug my store in your column for the Halo tournament we’re having in store this October.

I hope that you took the game back to the Hollywood and they gave you a new rental for it. Tell them to get themselves a Game Doctor so they can rent that sucker again, and again…

Hope you had a good Labour Day!

James “Shillmaster” Kentner

Yeah, right. You’re just trying to sucker me into more money for this vaporware, aren’t you; AREN’T YOU?!?!

I kid. I may have to wait on that, since I have a Chiefs game to attend next weekend and some hot casino action to partake on that trip.

And BTW, I did take it back, and they gave me a replacement rental before I could even ask. Swell company you work for, James.

Remember what I said about not touching that”¦issue anymore? Well, I meant it, but I really wanted to print this whole e-mail, mostly because it’s more proof that I get the highest percentage of female readers on the site, so forgive me.

Online gaming horror stories? Try Counterstrike on a 56kbps dial-up that was only giving me 48kbps’ worth… It took me an hour just to update the server lists…. Although most of my online gaming stories are fun ones, usually revolving around the legendary (in the UK, anyway) LAN gaming venue The Playing Fields….

Oh, and don’t worry… Soon, the “wonders” of European Football/Soccer will hit the USA when some executive realizes they can pick up broadcast rights for cheaper than a few seasons of College Basketball… Soon, The Name Of Beckham will be everywhere…

Kudos on laying it down straight (no pun intended) on the whole gay issue. As a Christian myself, it makes me sick to hear the bigoted junk that the goobers come up with. If you ask me, they do more damage to the common view of Christianity than an army of terrorists does to Islam. And it’s not as if they’re restricted to the USA either: only a few weeks ago the Church of England got MAJOR flack over the appointment of a gay man as a bishop. Lots of people savaged the decision (so much so that the guy decided to step down), all of whom ignored the fact that yes, the candidate was in an exclusive, committed relationship with another man, but it was a CELIBATE one. I mean, yikes… When you consider some of the dodgy doctrine other clergy come up with (and these are the APPROVED ones), a bishop who swings the other way a bit should be the least of people’s worries.

It really does sadden me… Only a few days ago, I was part of a huge outreach project in Manchester (that’s why the feedback is so late in coming… Not many internet cafes when you’re camped out in a field), where the power of God was, quite literally, working miracles daily. THIS is what it’s about… People in their relationships with God. It’s not about the petty squabbles over biblical minuitae: Jesus himself had absolutely no time for that sort of thing (look at the ear-bashing he gave the religious leaders of his day…)

Quote of the Day: “Ah, Religion. What Man invented when God got too complicated”.* That about sums it up. The sooner revival breaks out in Gooberville, and the people start praising God rather than spreading prejudice in His name, the better off the world will be.

Well, that was rather longer than I expected, but (I think) it was worth it. The only snag is that I have a hard
enough time keeping up with all my favourite 411 writers as it is… Now I have to add another to my ‘Don’t Miss’ list! Ah well, I’ll figure something out ;)

All the best

Misha

*It’s not from ‘Dogma’ (though it could be) but from an obscure UK/Canada co-produced TV programme “The Mr Hell Show”, an comedic animated pseudo-chatshow hosted by a big red guy (voiced by Bob Monkhouse, if you know who he is) with a forked tail, sharply-cut suits, and a sick sense of humour.

I think Counterstrike was most of the reason my friend Ken got broadband in the first place, Misha. Oh, and we get the Mr. Hell Show here, and you are officially VERY cool. You can get English Premiership on PPV here, I think. What I’d really like to see is more international games televised; besides, now that the NFL season has started, I’m afraid I’m ruined for soccer for the next five months. Try me again in February.

Representing the other side, and to put this whole issue to rest, the proof that we can all be civil and understanding:

Cory,

Kudos for handling the situation correctly. The forum is all wrong for this type of discussion. Congrats on another great article. Hope your Labor Day was great! Laters.

Jason

Amen. To everybody that e-mailed me on this, thank you very much. You all rock. Now let’s get back to what matters: playing games.

Re: Szulczewski: Context, dear boy. Context. I was talking about a console rentals list. As you are wont to point out, PCs are NOT consoles, so I stand by what I said.