The Unnamed adventures of Roger Weaver

Chapter 1

The Story

The Authors

Jesus, where did she get this stuff?! Jesus had gotten her here in
the first place. That dream, the night Kenneth was born: God had
come to her and said, "You shall have a son and his name will be
Kenneth." And when the baby was born she'd known what she had to
do. Anita hadn't noticed the baby's pointed canines, hadn't known
it was THE BRETHREN OF BLOOD that had impregnanted her!!! She glared
at the wretched wizened creature that had been her son and her protector.

ZoŽ

Anita decided to go to church and calm down. But she couldn't because
it was Thursday and church was on Sundays. So she prayed. "God, send
me some help here!"
Suddenly out of the shadows appeared the Fictional Five! Janice, Vashondra,
Bitzy, Kristi, and Dianne the angel! "What are you doing here?" said
Anita.
"Well, we're immortal, aren't we?" replied Janice, very much annoyed
at their glorious entrance into this story being greeted by an unbeleiving,
oh-great-cant-i-ever-have-a-break-from-these-guys answer.
Kristi answered a little better. "We were hanging out somewhere between
Alpha and Omega when we all suddenly felt this great urge to come
here and help you. It was like God was calling us or something."
This made a little sense to Anita but not much. "What is Alpha," she
asked, "and what is Omega?"
"We'll explain later," said Vashondra. "Right now we have work to do!"

Carolym

"Ok" said Anita a little dubiously. The Fictional Five grabbed her
under her arms and she felt herself rising into the air. With gaining
speed they rushed higher and higher until Anita feared they would
be crushed against the ceiling. She closed her eyes, and when she
opened them she saw that she was standing in a large cornfield.
"Ok" said Vashondra, "Let's scare away those crows!" The five began
to squawk in the most ear-shattering tones Anita had ever heard.
"What are you doing?" she cried. "Where are we?" The Five looked
at her with puzzled expressions. "Isn't this your field?" "No!"
Anita shouted. The Five suddenly looked very sheepish and Bitzy
said "Sorry, the signals must have got crossed. Guess we got the
wrong mortal." Then with that they vanished as quickly as they had
appeared. Anita looked around. Now she was stuck in the middle
of a cornfield who-knows-where. Now what was she to do?

willow

Moments later the Fictional Five reappeared. "OK," said Vashondra,
pulling a strange wooden thing out of her 3 foot strawberry blonde
beehive hairdo. "We know who you are now." She proceeded to tell
Anita 436 things about Anita. It took seven hours. After seven hours
Anita asked, "Whats that wooden thing?"
"Oh that," said Janice. "Thats the solution to your problem with your
vampire son - the Vampire Vacuum 3000!!!" Dianne explained how it
worked: "You see, its basically a sharp stake except we added some
high tech stuff. This blue button, here, sprays water. This white
and gold button creates a ten meter radius sphere of light. This
brown and gold button sends out a strong smell of garlic. And this
purple button summons Buffy the Vampire Slayer in case you need more
help. That vampire wont go near you!" "What does this red button
do?" asked Anita. "Oh no," said Bitzy, paling a little which made
her face an ever increasing contrast to her jet black hair. "We meant
to take that out but we didn't have time." "But what does it do"
asked Anita. "Well," said Kristi, the youngest, "lets just say some
bad things happened. Anyway good luck! We have to go now and help
Roger Weaver find a better giraffe."

Carolyn

"Thank God the "Fictional Five" truly are fictional. This is
just plain stupid," snorted Roger Weaver slamming the odious comic
book shut. Without the slightest tinge of regret he tossed the last
remaining copy of "Tedious Character #126 " into the flames
of the small fire he had managed to make with a magnifying glass
and the last few leaves of rolling papers stuffed into one of the
thirty pockets of his safari jacket. One last lick of flame and it
and all trace of them were gone. It had been the only reading matter
that he been able to find at the Kunjaba airport that wasn't in native
Bozoti but nights were cool on the savannah and brushwood hard to
find. Sacrifices had to be made. Fortunatly this was a small one.Besides
he had bigger problems to contend with.