Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Another year, another horrible gymnastics and skating "spectacular." And spectacular they are! Spectacularly horrifying.

This fall's show was no different than any other production that we've been subjected to. Sub this tween pop singer for that, Nastia still flails about to whatever garbage that the kids are listening to these days. A few back handsprings, nothing more, and that's your show.

I could end the recap there, but then you'd all miss out on all the delightful imagery from the show, and we just can't have that.

We open up with three mannequins giving us a rundown of tonight's performance, which includes Nastia having a wardrobe malfunction while the talented Greyson Chance plays the piano.

A piece of advice: if there is a huge black triangle where your crotch should be, your dress is too short.

I have a lot of respect for gymnasts who do it all: elite, then NCAA, and finally pro. That said... what is with "The Courtneys?" Is this a thing? Are they a package deal?

It's hilarious to watch C. McCool flit about and do exhibition-level crap while C. Kupets just rips off elite level skills. How does Kupets ALWAYS look like she could walk on to an Olympic Team?

These lucky girls got tasked with performing on beam while some skinny kid warbled on about God knows what. I'm sorry, I know I'm old, but is this what the kids are into these days? Is this considered attractive? Because I want to punch him. He looks like a wiener. It must be said.

These routines cannot be professionally choreographed. There is no way. I'm pretty sure the C's rolled up like, the day before, and were all "Ok. We need a routine. Quick, make something up!"

It took them a good 400 minutes to even get on the beam. For awhile it was a cross between a ballet barre and horizontal stripper pole. They also prove to be 100% incapable of doing anything at all in unison. Unless, of course, that was their intention, in which case I say GOOD JOB LADIES. Well done. Kupets does a Gator chomp while McCool reaches up like a teapot. They didn't manage to do their switch side leaps together, but they did manage to bend over and stick their asses out as a team. That was the only timing they got right. For ex-teammates/BFFS with the twinsie names, they seem to have zero awareness of what the other is doing at all times. It's very curious.

Following this was the second of Nastia's billion prancing around numbers. This time, she was backed up by SNOTTY LITTLE BRAT GIRL WHO HAS MELTDOWNS IN RESTAURANTS WHEN THEY WON'T SERVE HER TEENAGE ASS PROSECCO. Not to be outdone by this horrible little girl's outfit or singing, Nastia tries her hardest by wearing what can only be considered the Avril Lavigne of spandex outfits.

Nastia is very hardcore with her torn pink shirt, and pink leg warmers. Now, as someone who successfully rocked legwarmers for an amount of time, all I can say is that YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG.

I give up. She is clearly incapable of holding her arms like a human being. I know I harp on this. It's only because I care. Nastia has it in her to produce BEAUTIFUL shapes and lines.

More this.

Less this.

And definitely no this.

Nastia takes a break from her super high level back handsprings to play kicky face with a couple of the skaters.

I thought that was as awkward as it could get, but then they had a brief infomercial where Nastia and Jared the Subway guy have lunch ON TOP OF THE BEAM, so yeah, that kind of maxes out the awkward meter.

Nice Toddlers and Tiaras hair, Nast. Continuing the HOLY SHIT THIS IS AWKWARD theme, the Courtneys are back with a hip hop (???) number on FX.

Why is Kupets wearing a cape? Giggles abound as McCool does some RO leaps while Kupets busts out huge double pikes.

I know this was a thing that started at Georgia or whatever, but when did McCool become a dancer? Was it uncomfortable when the real backup dancers showed up and danced behind the chicken legged wiener kid? This is why I hate the SEC.

Greyson Chance is so unbelievably talented, I can't get over it. He does his little boy super genius thing while Nastia... does this.

I can see your Bump It...

Heya Nast. Whatcha wearing there? What a cute headba-

AKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

I felt that Nastia's beam performance was best depicted by including the images that come to mind while watching.

There is really just nothing more to say. What gymnastics did your current Olympic champion perform, you ask? A few back handsprings, a front aerial to wobble. She jumped off the beam to do an onodi on the floor, and then hopped back onto the beam to do more prancing. So yeah.

In conclusion, every moment spent watching these shows is a moment of my life I will never get back. I want to die because my eyeballs and brain hurt so very much.