The Five Least Romantic Places in Fort Lauderdale

Oh, Cupid. You're the only tiny man in a diaper besides our grandfather who can inspire us to love. But once a year, unlike our grandfather (I sincerely hope), you torture us with pointy objects.

On February 14, without fail, we wake with a poke, and there you are, standing above us holding your arrow and grinning like a lunatic (again, the similarities between Cupid and your grandfather should have ended by now).

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You yank off the covers, pull us from our warm beds, and shove us out into the cold, where we will inevitably be reminded of what a loveless existence we live.

But, what if Valentine's Day didn't have to be sad?

Listen up, Fort Lauderdale, there's still hope! We're here to help guide you towards romance on Valentine's Day. And, while we've already been telling you what to do and where to go, we're going to take this opportunity to tell you where you should 100 percent, emphatically, under absolutely no circumstance go.

Here are the five least romantic places in Fort Lauderdale.

Why couldn't it have been Hobby Lobby instead?

Photo by Ryan Pfeffer

5. The Abandoned Pearl on Oakland Boulevard

While it was once a vibrant workshop where one could craft the perfect love letter, the abandoned Pearl Art & Craft Supply is now a serious contender for the setting of the next season of American Horror Story.

You might be tempted to break in and visit the glitter section. You know, for old time's sake. But children tell tales of the legend of Crafty Susan, the old Pearls cashier who some say still roams the aisles to this day. They say that once you make eye contact with her, you'll scrapbook until your fingers bleed! Just get a box of wine and watch Netflix damn it! It's not worth it!

Photo by Jelson25 via Wikipedia Commons

4. The Spirit Airlines Terminal at Fort Lauderdale International Airport

Airports are only romantic if you're Drew Barrymore at the end of a movie. Sure, there's a lot of physical contact in the security line, but that's mostly non-consensual frisking fueled by racial profiling.

And there is no more unpleasant, spurned section of the Fort Lauderdale International Airport than the Spirit Airlines terminal. If you're not familiar with Spirit Airlines, just imagine an airline run by pubic lice. Now pretend that same airline specialized in flying people to the deepest circle of hell.

There ain't nothing wrong with a futon. Let's start by saying that. They make sense. They're affordable. They make a lot of people's lives easier. And for the record, The Futon Company makes some damn good futons.

But, man, there ain't nothing sexy about a futon. You can't throw on a Prince record and tell your boo to come pop a squat on your practical-ass futon.

Yeah, baby girl. Take off them shoes and slide up on my couchbed. Mmmm, that's it. Don't mind my cat. He just had surgery.

It's like that scene in Lady and the Tramp, but disgusting.

Photo by Renzelle Mae Abasolo via Flickr cc

2. The Sbarros in the Galleria Mall

The only thing less romantic than a buffet is a Warren Buffett (Sorry, Warren! You've done a lot of great things for charity, but you're not exactly an aphrodisiac).

Plus, on August 14, the Florida Department of Business & Professional Regulation issued an emergency closure of the Galleria's Sbarro due to roach and rodent activity. So if your idea of the perfect end to a date is slowly realizing your partner is not coming back from the bathroom, then this Sbarro just might be for you.

Also, what does an emergency closure of a Sbarro's look like? Are city employees slapping breadsticks out of people's mouths? Can't we just let these folks finish their lasagna first?! They just spent 45 minutes realizing they can't afford anything in Sunglass Hut!

If bloody pillows and sneaky roaches get you in the mood, book a room now!

Photo by Ryan Pfeffer

1. The Travelodge on Sunrise Boulevard

Travelodge got a total of one star on Yelp, but only because negative infinity stars wasn't an option. Let's hear from the reviewers themselves!

Reviewer Edgardo R. says, "the awesome breakfast was just some frootloops and a tiny bagel."

Okay, certainly deceitful, but not unforgivable.

How about you, Yelp user David K. from Atlanta, Georgia? "Apparently my Boy Scout training has failed me as an adult because I do not do low rate motels well."

"The bedding was the most scary," David says. "When I pulled the covers back I could see a dark blood spot on the pillow underneath the white case." Alright, getting worse. But at least if David falls back in disgust and breaks his arm, his Boy Scout training will help him make a sling out of that bloody pillowcase.

Yelp user L.A. from Lake Elsinore, California, wrote a long (and downright thrilling) review. If nothing else, L.A. has a future in motel fiction.

Let's look a particularly jarring excerpt:

We stood in the middle of the room, partly in disbelief & partly in horror, trying to decide if we could "overlook" these things since the hotel was paid for already. That was when THE COFFEE INCIDENT occurred. I walked over to the coffee maker because I noticed there was old coffee still in it. When I pulled the carafe from the machine, about 10 roaches came pouring out of it! It's one of the most horrifying things I've ever seen! Needless to say I walked out of the room immediately.

Well, we'll let you go now, because you probably need to take a thousand showers. But remember -- unless you want to be covered in coffee roaches -- choose wisely this Valentine's Day!

SUCCESS!

Ryan Pfeffer is Miami New Times’ music editor. After earning a BS in editing, writing, and media from Florida State University, Ryan joined the New Times staff in November 2013 as a web editor, where he coined the phrase "pee-tweet" (to retweet someone while urinating). Born and raised in Fort Lauderdale, he’s now neck-deep in bass and booty in the 305.