Jennifer Aniston has successfully used her powerful love magic to convince Justin Theroux to…
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When you step outside this morning, don't be alarmed when the eHarmony theme song, "This Will Be An Everlasting Love," plays from a Spotify located somewhere in the cumulus clouds. The reason for today's bouncy, ambient Natalie Cole soundtrack? Jennifer Aniston, The Girl Who Lived (After Brad Pitt Left Her For That Nobody Angelina Whats-Her-Face) is engaged to her boyfriend Justin Theroux.

The two have been together for just over a year, when they met on the set of Wanderlust. Despite various and sundry rumors that they've been on the rocks, a source confirms: "Justin Theroux had an amazing birthday on Friday, receiving an extraordinary gift when his girlfriend, Jennifer Aniston, accepted his proposal of marriage." Unless you are an inanimate object, you are probably aware that Aniston has often been grilled in the press about being an unlucky-in-love, childless old cronehag, which has always been insane because she's always been a gorgeous, lucky millionaire—with or without the dude who guest-starred as a premature ejaculator on one episode of Sex And The City. But there you have it.

THIS WILL BE, AN EVAH-LASTING LUUUUUUUV, THIS WILL BE, THE ONE I'VE WAYYY-TED FOR. [People]

Miley Cyrus has debuted her new Robyn-esque haircut on her Twitter to decidedly mixed results. Cyrus, who's been going progressively shorter all summer, said of her controversial new look:

if you don't have something nice to say don't say anything at all. my hair is attached to my head no one else's and it's going bye bye :)

Diligent Twi-hards were camping out at MoMa, waiting for Robert Pattinson to appear at a promotional event for his new movie Cosmopolis. The throngs of fans are so thick that the MoMa, who likes to consider themselves a classy joint, are considering sending out security. [Page Six]

Meanwhile, the man himself is more concerned with the worth of a nice Midwestern couple's dusty 18th Century Chinese Qianlong Period jade collection. Eschewing drinking and drugging, he's rubbing the most boring salve onto his broken heart, according to a source. "He's started to shut himself off from the outside world, preferring to watch Antiques Roadshow and listen to music." In that vein, R-Patz, might I suggest The Joy of Painting? [Daily Star]

Oh, fuckballs. Really? Just weeks after Anderson Cooper officially came out—although it was heretofore pretty public that he was in a serious relationship with bar owner Ben Maisani—not to mention recent rumors that the two were planning to get married, pictures of Maisani making out with another guy have surfaced. Please hold for the wrath of Cooper's mother Gloria Vanderbilt, who has reportedly been encouraging them to get married and adopt a kid for years.

On the bright side, if Benderson is no more, R-Patz will have someone to watch Antiques Roadshow with. [Daily Mail]

In an interview with French Elle, Vanessa Paradis discussed her split with Johnny Depp for the first time, kinda.

I don't want to talk about him. Who said that artists should sell their soul, expose everything about themselves? … It's my duty to promote this movie, and my albums, but can you imagine what it feels like to see people making a business out of your pain. What's happened to us is our concern.

Gwen Stefani and husband Gavin Rossdale hosted a children's event fundraiser for Barack Obama, at which Michelle Obama was present. There was face-painting, and FLOTUS clarified the answer to a very important question about President Obama "not being Spider-Man." [Us Magazine]

Rosario Dawson's mom Isabel, who had her when she was 16, warned her about being a teen mother. [Monsters and Critics]

Jeremy Renner makes the absolutely LUDICROUS/LUDACRIS claim that the Kardashians have 0.00 talent. [Monsters and Critics]

An intrepid fan tweeted a photo of herself with Mila Kunis backstage on the Two And A Half Men set, ostensibly hanging with boyfriend Ashton Kutcher. Yo, check out her sweater. [Daily Mail]

Adam Lambert's huge new arm tattoo says "Good morning, do you want some orange juice?" (No but actually it says "MUSICA DELENIT BESTIAM FERAM," which means "music soothes the savage beast." Which I guess is supposed to be Adam Lambert. [Daily Mail]

John Cleese got married to a younger woman. Fourth time's the charm? [Express]

Macaulay Culkin's estranged dad and stepmom have spoken to the tabloids about his health concerns, thereby enlightening us as to why they're estranged. [The Sun]

Longtime wide receiver Chad "Ochocinco" Johnson has been cut from the Miami Dolphins after his arrest for domestic abuse. [CNN]

Stephen Baldwin helped an epileptic woman through a seizure at a New York hotel. [NYDN]

"I feel great about my body. You know, aesthetically I can be picky, but I choose not to be. I've taken huge leaps. I'm proud of that. I work out, and I get lots of sleep, and so I feel great. And that is so important." —Nicole Richie. Gladdens my heart. :D [thesundaily.my]

YES. Here are amazing pictures from Beyoncé's private album, including one of Blue Ivy wearing a "Watch The Throne" tee. [Daily Mail]

Rihanna Tweeted a picture of Bey recently and wrote: "This pic could single handedly destroy the self esteem of an entire nation." [Us Magazine]

John Legend has been hospitalized for flu-like symptoms. [Us Magazine]

Here's Britney Spears in a flapper costume for a perfume shoot. [Us Magazine]

Super indie couple Noah Baumbach, Greta Gerwig were at a restaurant and Fran Lebowitz was also there (separately), and everyone I went to college with just pooped themselves. [Page Six]

Backstreet Bro Aaron Carter, currently starring in The Fantasticks, is returning to music ("I am notorious for being a bad boy. I am more of a sophisticated one now, but I am still bad.") [Page Six]

Lindsay Lohan is going to be making a metric shit-ton of money this year. [TMZ]