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Thursday, January 14, 2010

That Trip to Forks is Gonna Cost Ya'...

I think there may have been a gasp, followed by a fuuuuuuuuuuuck yeah the other day when my occasionally more-practical counterpart, Snarkier Than You, admitted that she does indeed want to go to Forks. Like, desperately. FOOOOOOOORRRRRKKS!!!

And it's all admittedly my fault because - and I say this cheerfully - I know I can be a persuasive little bitch when I want something badly. She said "no," I heard "yes but I need heavy-handed convincing." ML calls this annoying. I call it an art form.

Sounds 'bout right.

Anyway, ever since the Big Announcement, STY and I have been emailing each other back and forth, deciding on what outfits we would bring or what kind of products we could use to keep our hair from bursting into a halo of frizz (frizz makes STY apoplectic). We've also been mulling over the merits of cute rainboots versus those Uggs that KStew wore in the movies. And are we sure there is a bar? Liquor store? Should we call them and tell them stock up?

For example:

To: Jenny JerkfaceFrom: Snarkier Than YouRe: Fooooooooooooooorks!

you, my dear, are going to have to help me pack because i usually just throw everything i own into a huge suitcase and sort out the details later. oh and i have to buy stuff for this trip. like cute rain gear and boots.

To: Snarkier Than YouFrom: Jenny JerkfaceRe: Fooooooooooooooorks!

I will help you pack. I was hoping to only bring my backpack as a carry-on but that's not going to happen. I am a pro packer, jftr.

Poor bastard has no idea what she's asking. Despite the fact that I am ridiculously uber-fucking girly, I am fuckawesome at packing light. I've never traveled with STY before but I've seen her stuff. She has lots of it. I'm already forming my battle plan, in fact. I figure if I can't talk her out of bringing two straightening irons, I can just beat her with one of them and call it a day.

My luggage.

STY's luggage.

Hell, we even discussed what manner of wildlife roams the Hoh Forest and how STY will be sipping cocktails while I'm getting my throat ripped out by a mountain lion. In the end, I think I convinced her to go with me, though. After all, I only need to run faster than the slowest person... and neither one of us wants to man the blog solo, so we each have an interest in protecting the hide of the other [note to self: bring a slow person who I don't like very much].

Now that we've gotten the important things like hair products and rain boots hashed out , we even set a tentative date: somewhere in late August or early September. We'll pin this down soon, I promise.

HOWEVER. There is one key thing that STY has not decided on, and it's an important factor in our trip across the country.

She has not figured out how to break the news to Mr. Snarky. Which is very unlike her. It's safe to say he won't be amused (at all), let's put it that way. And frankly, she's not the only one dealing with this sticky wicket. Judging by your comments, STY is in good company and there are veritable scores of you who are also in the delicate position of convincing your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/what-have-you that making a pilgrimage to the rainiest fucking place in the US is not only sane, but you're doing it...without them.

Er, when I said I wanted to see Forks once in my life I didn't mean that...

I meant this! FOOOOOOOORKS!!!

Um, not to sound like I'm gloating but I've got freebies for about five weeks of spontaneous excursions such as this one. ML can't say shizzle to me about going to Forks. Not. One. Single. Word.

I'm finally getting my karmic retribution from when he went on tour with his band last summer for five weeks. And left me in an un-airconditioned apartment - we were in the process of buying a house - and I was packing ALL BY MYSELF, DESPITE THE FACT THAT WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHERE WE WERE GOING AND HAD THE VERY REAL POSSIBILITY OF ENDING UP FUCKING HOMELESS.

Oh, and did I mention that he was extremely... unreachable while he was on tour? So yeah. Not a word. But remind me to tell you about the time he called to regale me with his tales of swimming in natural springs and drinking 'til dawn while I was suffering a serious case of swamp ass and packing up his Grandmother's dishes. [Yup. I'm over this. I swear. Oh, fuck it, I think STY wanted to kill him last summer, too.]

Anyhoodle, because I'm purely a selfish creature and I want each and every one of you to come, I've been thinking of ways to help out. Unfortunately, I'm so broke I'm considering selling off some of the shit ML has down in the basement so I can't help any of you out in the department. So, all I can do is offer a few suggestions to those of you who might be having issues letting the S/O know you're going to Forks, Washington.

And here's what I've come up with:

1) Lotsa2) Blow3) Jobs4) 2 1/2 Words - World of Warcraft. Dudes, I've heard that this is highly addictive and if he's super busy trying to beat the Gorgonzola Priest on level 39.85, he won't even notice you're gone. Good luck weaning him off of it when you get home.5) Nintendo, Atari, Wii, xbox, whatever - see above. Pretty much the same thing.6) Blow jobs (did I mention BJs?)7) fellatio8) Give head9) Give a hummer (and not that massive truck-y thing, either!)

Fuck it, tell him you're going to Forks while his dick is occupying your mouth. He'll say yesssssss to anything then. And then later you can act mad when he says you didn't tell him and doesn't recall thinking it was a swell idea. Wait, what? Tell me I didn't cross that line I've heard rumors about!

Good luck, Twitards. You might want to grab some knee pads...

Let us know in the comments if you have any tricks & tips you want to share!

I.am.dying. right norw. It was like u were reading my mind and the emails between me and Nabs the past few days. I have decided to wait just a bit beforebreaking it to Mr GP and easing my way in with blow jobs and letting him buy whatever he wants for his car while simultaneously whoring myself out to do portraits at a fucking steal of a price to start saving up. Anyone in the st. Louis area need newborn pics or portraits done? We will b there even if I have to tie him up and hide him in the woods until I come back. Forks or bust.....or is it Forks or Divorce!

Here's the kicker in my deal...told my hubby I was going (didn't ask) but have asked my friends to go with me and so far no one wants to go!!! Obviously they are not the fans I thought they were. So anyway, the hubby actually offered to go with me...I was like dude, you are going to be with 100 drunk, pantiless, rob talking women...oh wait, sounds perfect! Maybe I could get him a "I like Edward's disco stick" t-shirt...that would be a great picture...one dude with a million dorks in forks...freakin' awesome....Oh Lord maybe not, anyone from Utard that wants to go?? I'm re-thinking this hubby thing!!! lol

Okay so this evening I brought this up with Mr. CC. No, there was not a dick in my mouth. Anywho his answer was essentially "sure why not? sounds like fun" I nearly crapped my pants. No begging, no reasoning, no pleading. Couldn't fucking believe it. I'm going. YAY!

I can see the Twilight Examiner article now...."Blogger Advises Followers to Give BJs For Travel Rights To Forks, WA.". Best trip funding idea EVER! Hopefully 'Forks' doesn't come out sounding like 'Fucks' when um, err, um..well you know. Good luck Twitards and Happy Trails to all of you!

WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! I WANT TO GO!!!!! but NOOOOOOO i have to go to VEGAS...... i mean really, who would choose to go to VEGAS over FOOOOOORRRRRRRKKKKKKKSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! i know crazy huh?????? but ya know ive got this "non refundable ticket" and shit, oh well there is always next year, course hubby said i can still give him the blow job..... just laughed at him....keep dreaming, no tripy no licky!!!!!!! and SNY im with ya on the packing babe,i alwaaaaayyyys take 3 times more shit than i should,but if i divorce the s/o between now and then i just may join yall!!!!!

I don't have to ask exactly ~ he pretty much goes with whatever I want... we will however be in the middle of a cross country move.(Northern NY to southern CA)I guess if I get lucky I will already be in CA and get to miss all the unpacking fun!

@ Myg ~ that's fucking awsome!!They are all pretty much the same.Welcome to TWITARDED ~ boy will you learn alot here!

I am fortunate enough to have a lovely other who enjoys travels as much as I do even though we often cannot go together...which is why I recently booked a ticket to PDX and said C'ya!

How to convince Mr. Snarky? Well, firstly, this is for the blog- right? Right. So, it's sort of work-like related. I mean shit, I have a Twitarded mug in my house, in fact - I have TWO so it's certainly more than a damn journal. Also, STY would be going with her partner-in-Twi... I might not mention a cyber meet-up, that might make him leery about stranger danger...and Bella was right when she said you CANNOT get in trouble in Forks, unless you choose to go (way) off the park paths like my sister and I did (THANK YOU RANGER BEN for not hauling us in).

i am afraid my husband might stab me in the face if i tell him i am going to Forks....again. gah! i wanna go so bad!!!!! i lived my whole life in Washington, and then the moment I move to the middle of bumfuck nowhere Alaska, WA becomes cool! dammit!

i might have to try out the telling him mid bj...i mean who would stab someone thats giving them a blowjob? i mean really!?

Still haven't figured out how to tell my hubs yet. I'm as nervous as Bella going to tell Charlie she's getting married. I'm not sure BJ's are going to be enough I might have to break out some Egyptian tea-bagging.

@Stan - Gemms, I'm here for you! While these bitches are away trampling all over Hoh forest, you and I are going to... do exactly what that could surpass THAT???

Anyhoo, I've already said in my comment yesterday how hubtard surprised the hell out of me with "I'd let you go anywhere with those women". Fuck, he's been so very much impressed with the effect that hanging out with you has had on our sex life, he'd definitely pay and organize the trip himself if we could afford it.

I just found this site, like last week. Soooo, awesome! I have been wanting to make a pilgrimage to the holy land also, and my man knows this. He has no one to blame but himself, since he made me go to see Twilight in the first place! :)

Fortunately I don't have to cause permanent damage to my old knees, but asking my parents to watch the kid for a weekend should be interesting. I've made no secret in the past decade how much I hate the Pacific NW (several reasons, some rational - some not. I'll tell you over drinks.) So when I tell everyone I'm going to that dreaded corner to drink myself silly and celebrate Twilight with a bunch of loud crazy bitches ... well, I'll be sure to take pictures.

I've got to take a family vacation this spring since my daughter thinks the world is flat and ends at the city limits, but I will start adjusting the budget accordingly now.FOOOOOOOOOOOORKS!!!!!

Change in plans. I'd rather go with the Twitarded gang. I can pull the big 4-0 b-day card like Latchkey Wife. Plus the BFF said she'd go with to make sure I didn't make a complete ass of myself. Besides the DH owes me BIG TIME. I think the this trip and something from Tiffany's might begin to cover it.

@JJ & STY - Did you ever in your wildest dreams think you'd get Twitards willing to come from the UK, Ireland, and Illinois (had to throw that in there) to get their picture taken with you in Forks? Becuase there will be pictures ;)

oh sure I step away for a few hours to get some sleep and all hell breaks out!

@Stan - did you just call us "FORKERS"?! hahaha!!

and @Mary - you're not talking to us?!

Can't we all just get along?!

: )

I hope Mr. Snarky is as enthusiastic about my trip to Forks as some of yours have been - VitaminR70 wrote me a VERY convincing note to pass along to Mr. Snarky - it's like it came from the make-a-wish foundation or something, it's THAT sincere in its sentiment that I HAVE to go to Forks!

I have been sitting here sulking ever since you started talking about going but have just come up with a cock-knocker of a plan!! One of DH's best friends lives in Seattle and has been harassing us to come out and visit so he can take hubby fishing...(insert evil laugh here) - MUAHAHAHAHA! - he can hang out in Seattle with his buddy and I can spend a day or two in Forks with the Twitards' of the world!!

I am sooooooo tempted and bitter, but I know there's no way I can swing going to Forks. I hate all you bitches that can go! My reasons are purely financial and that our vacay time will be eaten up by summer's end. Gah! Guess I'll have to content myself with the pictures and lots of twi-porn. Sigh.

@C4Life: you might actually consider going on this trip. Sounds like a few single twi-freak women will be there, and be drunk. Magic might happen, and inebriated craziness certainly will ensue. Hmmmmm....sounds better than a carribean cruise to me.

May sound like madness, but I was planning a trip over to the states this year anyhow. Have wanted to visit Forks- but haven't had anyone to go with, and what better way to visit then with Team Twitarded?!

This of course is still all pending on what the final dates are and from that 1) if I can get the time off... 2) If I can afford it all.

But if everything falls into place, HELL yeah I am there - if ye'll have me.... :-)

I really want to go! It's all a matter of finace... I'm searching for flight prices and depending on dates it'll be from 775 USD to 1200 USD from Sweden to Port Angeles. And that's not including hotel and hiring a car... I guess my family will have to survive on water and potatoes if I'm going! Don't think the S/O will mind, though. I could use the 35-birhday-card, but I was thinking of using it to get a tattoo. Can't use it twice...

OMG, so I totes want to go to Forks with everyone! If you all are thinking September... that's a great time away, which is great to save and buy plane tickets and hotel rooms in advanced! Once you ladies find out how many people are confirmed with these plans, it would be a good idea to call a hotel there and ask about a group rate or discount... Wow, can I seriously come along?!?! I need to get out of here.. and meet some real Twilight fans in person, I'm like the all alone in my obsession.

So here are a few tips on how to convince S/O to agree to you going to Forks:

1. Just don't tell him/her until the day before you leave (seriously, this is what my mother did to my dad before going on a cruise with her sisters. Crazy woman!)*this is not recommended as it could potentially cause S/O to retaliate and go on cruise alone. Dad did it, Mom was PISSED!2. Try to plan a trip for your S/O to go on with their friends, mind you nothing too fun! Then once plans are settled for that trip, say "Oh, I'm thinking of going on a trip with a group of girlfriends, but we'll talk about it later. Have Fun!"3. Say "I'm going on a trip, so deal with it!"

I've already used up my BJ card. I offered 30 days of BJ's if he pretended to enjoy Christmas with my family. He did good and is still collecting. Not sure if I can handle more BJ's.

My sister and I really are considering trying to go though. We need to figure out the finances and babysitting. Hopefully we can work it out.

Send yourself some flowers with a note. "Have fun in Foooooorrrrrkkkksss." Hug the completely unaware S.O. and thank him for being the best S.O. in the whole world for suprising you with the one thing youv'e always wanted. If he argues, suck his nuts.

Aug/Sept does not call for an excess of rain gear. During the summer months the coast can get fairly hot and really nice. Definitely bring some hiking boots.

STY should get some Paul Mitchell 'heat seal' and 'super skinny serum' to help with the frizz. Those items are on my list of things to grab if my house ever catches on fire. Sadly they are above the cat that shits all over my carpet for amusement.

@kintail: Why is Seattle better than Port Angeles? Isn't it a longer drive? We'll have to hire a car anyway I guess. And where do you live? I can totally camp in someones backyard if it's close enough to Forks... Oh, and my little sister totally wants to go to!

Mr. XKR's m.o. is "it's better to ask forgiveness than permission." Considering that I know none of you IRL and that there will be heavy drinking involved, he will be concerned to say the least. Which is why I'm not telling him until after the tickets are booked. :D

@My After Car Is an XKR and anyone else who needs to know - I nominated myself in a post awhile ago to be the designated "driver" for the group or the designated make sure we don't get kicked out, arrested or embarrassed stopper - ok I may not be able to stop the embarrassed part but I will do my best to prevent the kicking out or arresting of any drunk Twitard. I don't drink, at all, so if anyone else has an S/O worried about the drinking part, you can tell them that Dangrdafne will do her best to protect the drinking Twitards.

PS I LOVE that luggage comparison - Dangrmomma would say I am the second picture - I am working on it.

@ Drngrdafne == Oh my, now that I know you're going and you're a non-drinker too, I'm re-thinking my pass on the trip! I'd love to help you baby-sit the drunkards and be co-captain of the designated driving squad! He he! Perhaps we'll also be in charge of videotaping the event so it doesn't get shaken and all fuzzy, which it will of course if we let these tankers shoot it themselves, LOL! ;) Plus I guess it'd be good to have a couple of us there who remember everything that happens....or not!

I connived my husband into driving me to Forks along with my best friend, her baby, and her sister. We stayed in the twilight decked out suite. I used the same persuasion techniques you are eluding too and they always seem to work for me :) I'll have trip planning tips, photos, and reviews up soon on my blog.twilightcupcake.wordpress.comWe're heading to Italy this June and will be going to Volterra and Montepulciano as well. Happens to be our 10th anniversary and my husband was willing to make a sidetrip. Lucky me :)

I just priced flights and I might just be able to make it. Yay! Sure it'll take me the best part of a day to get there, and with the time difference, the best part of a week to get back, but I don't care! I must be out of my forking mind...

So, we def need official dates! My hubby is down with me going, but I'm going to need to plan ahead to get arrangments made for the kiddos. There was an ingenius comment earlier about group hotel rates. I'm so glad we have some non-drinking babysitters, because I have a feeling we are going to need it!

As for ideas to convince s/o.....we compromised! I thought of the one thing he has been wishing for (in his case a new outrageously expensive bow) We decided that we would both cut back on little things we do on a daily basis and put the money into our fantasy fund. By the time September rolls around, we should have enough money saved up to do both! Don't worry, I remembered to seal the deal with the timeless art of fellatio!

@Jenny - We stayed in Florence for 6 days/5 nights at Hotel Casci - highly recommend it. We did not do any official New Moon Tours. We used a private driver to take us on day trips to Volterra and Montepulciano. We also got a free trip to Siena/San Gimignano from the hotel for staying 5 nights. We did our own touring and the tourist centers at both Volterra and Montepulciano have maps and information for Twilight fans. You can see my pictures here:http://photobucket.com/dangrdafneNewMoonTrip using the password Edward if you are interested. Feel free to ask me any other questions about Italy... you can email me at dangrdafne@gmail.com or use the comment section.

@JJ and STY - Wow, quite a group you've got going to Forks. They won't know what hit 'em. Would love to go back with you.The Dazzled by twilight store better get ready ;) Can't get enough of that place. Also got to check out 98331 gear - the biggest collection of RPattz autographed stuff I've seen. Drool...

Banshee713- Sorry for delay in reply. Not sure where i am going to fly from. I am in Ireland, but if its cheaper to fly from London, I might do that. Will have to see what the flight sales are like at the time.

WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! I WANT TO GO!!!!! but NOOOOOOO i have to go to VEGAS...... i mean really, who would choose to go to VEGAS over FOOOOOORRRRRRRKKKKKKKSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! i know crazy huh?????? but ya know ive got this "non refundable ticket" and shit, oh well there is always next year, course hubby said i can still give him the blow job..... just laughed at him....keep dreaming, no tripy no licky!!!!!!! and SNY im with ya on the packing babe,i alwaaaaayyyys take 3 times more shit than i should,but if i divorce the s/o between now and then i just may join yall!!!!!

I don't have to ask exactly ~ he pretty much goes with whatever I want... we will however be in the middle of a cross country move.(Northern NY to southern CA)I guess if I get lucky I will already be in CA and get to miss all the unpacking fun!

@ Myg ~ that's fucking awsome!!They are all pretty much the same.Welcome to TWITARDED ~ boy will you learn alot here!

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