A Disgusted Seth Meyers Tears into Charlie Rose

“Here’s a good rule of thumb,” the Late Night host said. “If your face isn’t pulling in the babes, your penis isn’t going to make the difference. Everybody’s penis is 100 percent less attractive than their face.”

On Tuesday night, Seth Meyers proposed a brave new world—one that’s free of bathrobes. It’s not a bad idea; after all, as the Late Night host pointed out, a number of recent sexual misconduct allegations heavily feature that particular item of clothing. Besides, Meyers insisted, “It’s a terrible idea for a garment. ‘Here’s a giant towel that you tie together with a skinnier towel.’ And you never hear a positive news story involving a bathrobe. It’s never ‘Family of Four Pulled from Burning House by Man in Bathrobe.’ It is always ‘some creep was creeping it up in a creepy fucking bathrobe.’”

Specifically, Meyers was referring to the allegations leveled against Charlie Rose by eight women in The Washington Post, which included exposing himself to them without their consent. In a statement to the Post, Rose wrote, “I deeply apologize for my inappropriate behavior. I am greatly embarrassed. I have behaved insensitively at times, and I accept responsibility for that, though I do not believe that all of these allegations are accurate. I always felt that I was pursuing shared feelings, even though I now realize I was mistaken.” He was fired Tuesday, as his co-hosts, Gayle King and Norah O’Donnell, offered their reactions during their first broadcast without him. King also appeared on Late Show Tuesday night, describing her emotional state as “raw.”

After reviewing the allegations, Meyers couldn’t hide his revulsion. “Good Lord,” he said. “Usually when someone that old is walking around naked, a couple of male nurses lead him right back to his room . . . Here’s a good rule of thumb: if your face isn’t pulling in the babes, your penis isn’t going to make the difference. Everybody’s penis is 100 percent less attractive than their face. Women don’t love the penis. If they love the man, they’ll tolerate the penis. The best your penis can ever hope for is, ‘Well, alright.’”

His sentiments echoed those previously voiced by Samantha Bee, who reacted to the Harvey Weinstein allegations—which also involved a bathrobe—by saying, “Men, I’m sorry to break this to you, but your dick is ugly. No one wants to see your dick in any context. Even the straightest, horniest woman who loves you the most is hoping you can get it inside her without her having to look at it, so definitely don’t show it to strangers.”

Rose isn’t even the only powerful media figure to be accused this week, Meyers noted; there’s also Glenn Thrush, an influential New York Times reporter who stands accused of making inappropriate advances on younger women, including groping and kissing them without consent. In a statement, Thrush wrote, “I apologize to any woman who felt uncomfortable in my presence, and for any situation where I behaved inappropriately. Any behavior that makes a woman feel disrespected or uncomfortable is unacceptable.”

“I’m sorry,” Meyers said, “but you don’t get to call yourself a grown-up if you dress like you’re wearing a reporter Halloween costume.”

As for the allegation that Thrush would sometimes tell colleagues that the women he pursued had made advances on him, Meyers was equally skeptical: “Can you imagine having the confidence to say young women came on to you while you were also wearing a fedora?”

All of this is unfolding, of course, against a backdrop of allegations about politicians as well—the most prominent of whom, Roy Moore, has been accused of pursuing and having relationships with underage girls. (Moore denies the allegations.) Donald Trump, who himself has been accused of sexual misconduct by a number of women (and also denies all allegations), has backed Moore despite the allegations against him.

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“As a swirl of horrifying sexual harassment allegations consumes virtually every aspect of society, President Trump is publicly standing by an accused sexual predator,” Meyers said. “Nine women have accused Roy Moore of sexual assault, and Trump doesn’t seem to care. I guess you could say Trump is, what’s the phrase?” Cut to a clip of Trump insisting that Moore’s liberal opponent, Doug Jones, is “soft on crime.”