Sorry havent posted in ages having internet probs and every time i write a message the damn internet goes down and wont send, also for some reason i am reluctant to post, i read most days but i feel a bit anxious that this really is it for us posting about it makes it so real. Hope all ye guys are doing well,Supergenius thanks for asking yes i am actually PUPO!! for some reason i was afraid to acutally put it on a post...dont know why... anyway had my transfer on Wednesday and all 3 embies surived the thaw, 1 was an 8 cell, and 2 were 7 cells so at the moment i am 4dp3dt and totally in Crazytown!!!!!! I know its super early to get symptoms but fecking hell i forgot how bad the 2ww is, i honestly thought having Kayla would make this ivf journey easier but somehow it seems harder, i just so loved been pregnant and been a mom and knowing this is the final shot at it is just scary. But hey i am totally realistic and know how utterly blessed i am to have a precious little girl, there is so many women on here who would give anything to be in my position (and yes i remember saying few yrs ago that i just wanted one....i am been selfish now ) So far no symptoms other than few cramps but i got those on all positve and negative cycles so not too concerned until i see spotting, i went out and bought some tests and will start in few days time for Kayla i got a super faint lines and i just praying i will get one on Wed as its jasons birthday and it will be exactly to the day 10 yrs that we are trying for a baby...........jeeeny i am soooooo nervous............crap is there any way out of Crazytown

Will post with update on my POAS!!! I have intraplids on wed and it will bug me to hand over €260 for it if i am not pregnant!!!!!!

gi - WOW-- good Luck.. hope it all works out. your embies sound fantastic so you have a good shot at this working. I also did intralipids and before i had my second round i got an u/s first to make sure there was a HB. Like you didn't want to pay $300 for the intralipids if it wasn't working.

congrats on being PUPO!. I have everything crossed for you! Will be stalking.

Katie,

thinking of you. I know the wait is hard, but will be worth it in the end.

Chris,

wow, 11 weeks already. That is awesome!

afm: Disney was a great trip. girls had an awesome time. Life is crazy right now. I filed for divorce from my dh last week. I couldn't take it anymore. I feel so much better. I know its going to be a long hard road, but I know its the right decision for me and my girls.

Rhonda great to hear ye had a great time at disney land sounds like so much fun, would love to go there sometime.

Chris Congrats on making it to 3rd trimester!!

AFM so far POAS is in full swing, got a faint faint faint line on 6dp3dt, and every day since its getting darker today 9dp3dt its nearly dark as control line......BUT ....... fecking hell i am spotting/cramping lots since yesterday....so fecking bummed, its not continous spotting and dont need to change pantyliner but its fecking there sometimes when i wipe...tmi... its sometimes brown and bitty...and other times watery red not much but enough to worry me as this is how my last mc started though that was at 10wks pg. I know extremely early days and not due to organise a beta till wednesday of next wk....Praying its not a chemical or loss and maybe 2 implanted and i just lost one though somehow i dont think thats the case and expecting the worse. I cant believe this is happening again, never did i dream i would have 3 miscarriages....Please keep me in thoughts and prayers that i have a little fighter inside totally oblivious to my worries.

gi - YEY for the positive HPT.. i had off and on spotting too for the first few weeks.. think it finally stopped in week 8.. scary as heck but doesn't mean your not pregnant or its a chemical.. just means that bean is snuggling in really good.

Thanks Chris and leoiri, i am still getting very strong positives on tests (darker than control line) spotting seems (please God, touch wood) to be easing just small amts couple times a day when crinone leaks...though i bless myself everytime i go to loo!!!! Beta is tomorrow am never had one before and sooooooooooooo nervous!!!!! Leoiri i know you had a lot of bleeding in when you first got pg this time ( i secretly stalking you!!) and i am so thrilled to see you are in your 15th week of pregnancy..... you and dh so deserve this after the hell ye have been thro. xxx

Gi - Honey, I'm so happy for you!! Bless those lovely darkening sticks! I've got everything crossed for your beta tomorrow, I'm sure it will be a great one. Loads of women have spotting with ivf, and some have cervical irritation from the crinone too which can cause slight spotting. I cant wait to hear your news tomorrow!!

Libby - Wow, your FET came up really quick. Well, at least for me it did, lol, I'm sure it felt longer for you. hmm, you may have even had your results already.. I'm sorry I've been MIA lately, its just that I cant seem to get it together for this last attempt and even though I have my schedule, I'm just still dragging my feet over it. I know you're busy, but check in when you have time, ok? I hope you got the right answer this try.

Chris - Boy, your ticker is just plugging away. I have no idea how time has flown so fast. It must be because Ryan keeps me super busy and some days I get practically zero time for me. Hope you and your little bean are feeling cozy and happy!

Ronda - I knowdivorce is never simple and with 2 kids to care for it can feel lonely or kinda scary, but you know whats best for you and your girls. You are a strong brave woman and you can push through this honey. I hope your transition goes as smooth as it possibly can and that you find the peace and happiness that you and your girls deserve. Much love mama- xoxo

Leora - It makes me so happy to hear that you are in your 2nd trimester already and you know how much love you have sent to you from all over the world! Lots of women cheering you on and sending you rainbow thoughts - xoxo

Franny - I'm not sure if you're still reading or not but I wanted to say that I think of you often and hope that you're not giving up, just taking a little break. Check in if you want to.. much love my dear friend - xoxo

AFM - Well today was baseline and it went ok, I havent heard from the nurse yet to give me the go ahead for starting the estrogen injections, but I'm sure she'll call soon. I finally booked my flight and now its feeling more real. Whew, its like I'm in denial about putting myself and DH through this again. Ready for this or not, I leave in a little over 2 weeks. I'll be better about checking in, sorry but Ryan's schedule wears me out! thoughts and prayers for us all - xoxo

Katie cant believe you are going again in 2 wks time!!! Its mad how it seems like far away then all of a sudden you are slap bang in 2WW!!! Hows Ryan doing?? hows his speech coming on??? Kayla keeps me so busy too its great but i just love her nap time

So had my beta this morning at 9am they said they would call around 3pm so i was shocked when they called at 12pm!! So i am 14dp3dt is that 17dpo???? beta is 1976 they said it was excellent and no need for a further one unless i start bleeding, i am nearly afraid to jinx it but spotting has stopped, have intralipids booked for 6wks pg and scan is in 3 wks time so i will be (fingers crossed ) 7wks 2 days. I am so shocked i got a good result though i am not sure what my numbers mean for 17po i should google it or something but it sounds good???? AHHHHH i so fecking excited but having been thro. 2 mc before i wont believe it till I see a healthy baby but for now i am so grateful to be pregnant.

Chris quick question i know this sounds stupid and of course so many women are pregnant with young kids but were you afraid of lifting/carrying jake around much??? I am lucky in so far Kayla is so independant and rarely asks to be carried....actually havent carried her since before 2ww!!! I lift her to pick her up, change nappy or put to bed otherwise she is happy toddling around on her own....i am afraid in case i do something to risk pregnancy and obviously i cant not pick her up if she needs me.

gi - WOOHOO!!! Congrats!!! betabase.info shows a wide range of betas for 17dpo, so all it really means is the placenta is putting out a bunch of hcg as it and the embryo develops. Enjoy being pregnant again! I am so excited for you - I wouldn't worry about picking up Kayla - as long as you are smart about it (bend at the knees, not at the back) you should be fine. My son is about Kayla's age and I still pick him up (he's probably somewhere between 30-35 lbs).

katie - yay for getting your baseline and tickets! you are at the starting gate.

ronda - sorry to hear you are going through a divorce, but i'm sure it's for the best. (((big hugs)))

afm, i did my transfer on the 17th (2 embies). life has kept me pretty busy, so i haven't really spent much time thinking about any "symptoms." now that the beta is tomorrow morning, i can't stop thinking about it. i guess i'll give in and get some magic sticks tonight. friday i leave to go out of town for a friend's wedding, so if it is a BFN then i'll have plenty of other reasons to get sauced.

Gi OMG!!! wooohooo! I don't know much about beta #'s since I never had any, but I can tell you that you are super preggers! I'm so happy for you girl!! xoxoxo

Libby Goof luck tomorrow!! I really hope you get your BFP, and you have to drink water at that wedding this weekend. Please keep me posted. I will be checking in on you tomorrow for sure!! xoxoxo

Katie I'm so excited it's almost your time again!!! How are you feeling?

afm I miss you girls a ton! I don't have much time to write since I'm falling asleep right now, but I've been busy with work and traveling and just trying to live each day in the moment and not think of all the sad stuff. It is really hard to not let those sad dark moments creep into my thoughts, and I can't say I don't cry all the time, but I'm trying to stay strong, and hope for the best someday.I have 4 embies left, but I don't want to do a transfer unless there is something else I can try to help it work. I'm so over wasting money and my sanity on the same protocol over and over. I'm afraid to have my followup because I have a feeling they will tell me there is nothing else to try. I think I'm going to ask about going on the lupron depot shots for a few months and then trying again right after that. I read a bunch about it, and everything says people with endo who use it have a greater chance of getting pregnant. What do I know?? <shrug> I was waiting until after summer to talk to my RE about it because I hear it causes really really bad hot flashes, and I already am hot all the time so I couldn't even imagine doing the shots in the summer. Now fall is here so maybe it's time for me to think about getting the ball rolling again. What do you think??

Gi - my beta at 14dp3dt on my first cycle was 500 (the highest it ever was) and that was twins. Yours is super high - which is great! That's at least one healthy bean sticking in there! I can't wait for your u/s!

Libby- Fingers crossed for you. Stay strong in the 2ww!

Franny- I think of you often. I wish I had some answers, or even something to suggest, but I don't. I'm sorry

Franny i too think of you often and it breaks my heart to hear what you are going thro. I do think you are right though in not using those embies until you are given another plan something that will give you a better shot, i know there is nothing i can say to make you feel any better but know you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Libby best of luck today with beta!!!! As for symptoms i still dont have many!!! except for AF type cramps the odd time and little bit dizzy every now and then but other than that nothing!!!

Leoiri thanks I still fecking scared shitless to go to bathroom in case i see anything, dont think that will ever pass, but for now i am so thrilled with my numbers just want one healthy baby, would be thrilled with twins but i am realistic to know the risks.

So taking one day at a time...or one pee stop at a time....roll on 16th Oct!!!!

Gi - Wow that is a super high beta.. Congrats!!! As far as caring for a little one.. I pick up Jake all the time and don't do anything differently now that i am preggo. In my mind many many women get pregnant and they do limit what they do. Heck people work in the farm fields and do manual labor while being pregnant. I play with him, throw him in the air, everything is the same.. Since he is so young, i don't want to limit his experiences just because I got pregnant in such a short amount of time. I am hoping he will be walking by the end of my pregnancy because at that point i don't know if I will be able to lift him. Right now he is around 26lbs.

Franny - So good to hear from you. I understand the hesitation to not putting back the rest of your embies till you find out what wrong. Ya know it could be just bad luck.. I know... really bad luck for you because you have been at this for so long. One of these days you might be ready again. I know its heartbreaking with each failure. Enjoy life and don't worry about this crap for awhile.

It's a BFN for me this time. Trying to keep perspective - this is my first BFN out of 4 cycles. At least my ass will have time to heal...thanks for all the nice words of encouragement, ladies! I have 7 more embies, so that is a few more tries until I am done. I'll probably wait until after the New Year, to minimize stress.

Franny - thanks for checking in and letting us know how you are doing. I think you should cycle again only when you feel 100% positive about going forward. I have no idea about the lupron depot shots - sorry!