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Sunday, June 11, 2006

Let go the wheel

Any of my friends who’ve known me the last five or ten years would agree that alot of “odd” experiences or weird happenings have shaped my living. Sometimes I refer to them as “one step forward, two steps back” phenomena. Or they are my lessons. Or I am a witness. If I can hold onto that last view, and be a spectator, it’s often safer, healthier in the long run.

Perhaps if anything, I am aware of the happenings, as they happen. So I am the observer and the actor simultaneously. And then because I write, I transform into a third persona, just as active and as “real” - the recorder. But recording is never dictation, it’s always skewed by hindsight, measured out by the depth of my other personas.

For about the past five years, I’ve witnessed a steady departure from the Ann state I had occupied, as if the anchor lifted and a half sail is pushing me steadily away from port. Landscapes are changing. Characters, who look very much like the ones I knew back at the dock, come around and do strange things. Everything is as predictable as the wind. Just when I’m on a good tack, I lose it all or a burst catches me unawares and I’m tossed around and me and my skimmer are thrown way off course.

It’s a hard lesson, this kind of sailing. My little craft is no match for the open sea no matter the degree of my skill or intuition. Reading the wind is a secret.

So sorry for the extended metaphor. It fit. It wasn’t where I was heading when I started. But tonight, I’m letting go of the controls.