Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Blows to the Hed: The Price is Blah

Yesterday, I suggested that many new bicycles are over-designed and overpriced. The same can also be said for road wheels. Once built by riders or mechanics from different components selected for different conditions and applications, road bike wheels are now often sold as complete "wheel systems." Despite the fact that these "wheel systems" come fully built in a box and are often difficult or impossible to service, they usually cost far more than their custom built, rebuildable counterparts. At one point, these "wheel systems" were considered high-end, but now they're the norm, and so successful has the transition from custom wheels to "wheel systems" been that most riders consider them an "upgrade." (Only in cycling is a prefabricated and disposable component considered an "upgrade.") Amazingly, yesterday's exotica are today's bare necessities, to the extent that the $650 Mavic Ksyrium Elite is now considered an entry-level "training" wheel.

However, not all wheel manufacturers are contributing to this wheel inflation. Take HED, for example. HED is the wheel company founded by aerodynamics guru Steve Hed. An aerodynamics guru is different from an aerodynamic guru, which is basically just a guy in a dhoti and a teardrop helmet. Hed has spent so much time in wind tunnels that he walks around looking like Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd in "Spies Like Us." Indeed, few people--save possibly for car commuters from New Jersey--know more about getting blown in tunnels than Steve Hed. In any case, the winds of change are clearly blowing at HED headquarters, because a number of people have informed me that they've just "dropped" a new wheel system with the low, low price of BLAH:

In case you're not familiar with current road wheels, here's where BLAH stands in the pricing hierarchy:

MEH.

BLAH.

YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.

WELL, FUCK ME.

With the introduction of a BLAH wheelset, HED is mounting a serious challenge to other players in the "entry level" road wheel market, and between this and their new slogan their competitors had better take them very seriously:

It may be in poor taste, but it's certainly better than their old slogan:

Incidentally, the extra "p" in "Zipp" is there for the same reason.

Speaking of new trends in the cycling world, on Monday I shared a picture from Canadia of a bicycle that had been locked up with a belt. Well, the "beltlock" phenomenon is officially sweeping across North America faster than a Tour de France broom wagon sweeps up Frenchmen, because another reader has forwarded me a picture of a similarly secured bicycle in South Carolina:

At this rate you can expect to find designer "beltlocks" in track bike boutiques like Chari & Co. very soon, possibly hanging right next to the $45 26 TPI tires.

But while a belt might not be the ultimate in security, I suppose it's better than nothing at all, which is what too many riders choose to use when parking their bicycles. And even when they do lock their bicycles, they don't always lock the easily stolen parts of their bicycles as well, such as their wheels. For this reason, the streets of New York City echo with stolen wheel laments in the same way that a bowling alley resounds with the delightful sounds of falling pins or the monkey house at the zoo is filled with the delighted screeches of masturbating primates. Here's an example of such plaintive wailing in the night:

It would appear from this that there may be a direct relationship between one's "street smarts" and one's tire color. Granted, this is a small test group, but out of three riders with a total of six wheels not one of them thought to lock even a single wheel. There are those who say, "The blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice." Perhaps then a corollary to this is "The blacker the tire, the smarter the rider," which would mean that three riders rolling on a grand total of six white tires are completely devoid of intelligence (at least in the context of securing their bikes). However, out of respect and a modicum of sympathy I will stop short of gloating--unlike this Craigslist poster who was not so tactful:

aw. did you hipsters drank way too much PBR's and forgot you had your color coordinated bikes locked up outside with your tiny kryptonite lock and perhaps a bandana wrapped in the frame? ?

i'd kill to see this momment happen again. i wanna be present. this is hilarious. i mean seriously.. 6 wheels!!! haha

While the poster may find this "hilarious," let's not forget the fact that just because it's hardly surprising their wheels got stolen doesn't make it right. As such, I'd argue the situation isn't "hilarious" so much as it's "tragicomic." At the same time, I'd also argue that the victims should consider themselves lucky. If they were too drunk to watch their bikes, then they were certainly too drunk to ride them home, and had their wheels not been stolen and they had attempted to do so they might not have survived--especially if their bikes were brakeless and some bitter hipster-hater like the above poster decided to pull the old "fixed/free flim-flam" by turning all their rear wheels around. Just imagine the horror they'd feel when their first red light skip-stop attempt resulted not in the reassuring sound of white tires resisting pavement but instead the horrific clatter of a ratcheting freewheel. Indeed, the last thing they'd hear as they rolled to their deaths would be the sound of pawls--the ultimate hipster indignity. Wheels can be replaced for BLAH, but life is priceless.

Above all, though, it's important to remember that we're all cyclists, and we're all human beings (unless you're that dog who can ride a bike), so we should try to help one another. I'm doing my part. In fact, I've already conducted a thorough inspection of the crime scene--though admittedly I did so in the comfort of the massage chair in which I blog thanks to a popular Internet mapping application. Using this application, I was able to obtain a "street view" of the establishment, and what I saw was quite revealing:

Right now, the person who was inadvertently captured in this shot is my primary suspect, and I advise you to be on the lookout for him. He is white, wears black clothing, and has a beard, which reduces the pool of potential suspects to the entire male population of Williamsburg as well as a good portion of the female population (specifically the ones who attended Sarah Lawrence). If you see anybody fitting this description riding a bicycle shod ("shod" is bicycle review speak for "palping" with regard to wheels) with white tires, call the authorities immediately. Under no circumstances should you attempt to apprehend him yourself. This is not because he's physically dangerous; rather, it's because hipsters' parents generally have excellent lawyers, and physical altercations with them can turn out to be quite costly.

But when it comes to theft, even the smartest among us can fall victim. Furthermore there's a certain point at which anti-theft measures become unreasonable, and the effort involved in taking them outweighs the practicality of cycling. Sure, you should lock your frame, and your wheels, and perhaps even your saddle. Beyond that, though, you take your chances. For example, most reasonable people wouldn't take the time to somehow lock their forks, though apparently people do steal them:

If anyone out there tries to sell you a red, Specialized carbon fiber fork, it's likely mine. It was stolen off my road bike on Wednesday afternoon. If you see this and know anything, be cool and let me know.

I guess some thief who wanted to smooth out his ride with the magical vibration-damping qualities of crabon took advantage of the convenience of a threadless system to help himself to a free "upgrade." This is a disturbing sign that we may need to start taking our forks inside with us now. And just as the hipster-hater gloated over the wheel theft, I'm sure retrogrouches are gloating over this one as they fondle their threaded headsets.

Even in light of this theft, bringing your fork inside with you may be excessive. However, bringing your folding bike inside with you should be a matter of course, as underscored in these ironically juxtaposed Craigslist ads:

Interesting that they took the trouble to use two pictures of the designer folding bike, neither of which shows a rider actually on the bike. Hidden meaning? Or maybe just CGI, which would also be telling.

I really like that article on the eco7, describing how it folds up in abstract detail.Wouldn't it be great if one could take an actual image of the folded bike and post it on the internets? all I could find was this computer rendered bullshit. I'm pretty sure this is Optimus Prime's illegitimate child. The wheel does not keep its integrity.

Aero gurus at Zipp have used math, computers and scientifical stuff to come up with the optimal dimple pattern for their wheels, lucky for them, the dimples ended up spelling, "Zipp" and not "Hed." or "Lightweight".

BTW...wanna really enjoy your new $5,500 crabon wheels? Try riding down a long winding hill in the rain. This is where you wished you had a fixed gear rear hub.

ant 2nd.what are those "wheelsets" like really?Does your average speed come up 15% on a 20 mile ride?Does the effect last?If i had a 19 lb crabon bike + fancy wheels instead of a 26 lb steel thing with wheel eyebrows and 32 spoke rims, would i be a lot faster, especially while climbing here in the rural 14 backyard (with 12% grades?).Seriously now.And does getting crabs hurt?

rural 14 said...what are those "wheelsets" like really?Does your average speed come up 15% on a 20 mile ride?...And does getting crabs hurt?

I'm glad you asked all these questions. According to "Bikeforums, which is populated by guys who ride 800 junk miles a week and average 30-50 mph, and look like this, the answer is a resounding, "I pays more muney, I goes more faster".

It seems these days that the price of everything is going up! Has anyone heard of Commuter Nation? It's a program that can save you up to 40% on commuting, including bicycling! You can use the pre-tax benefit to make bike repairs, buy bike equipment, and even pay for bike parking! Definitely check it out! You can get more information at http://www.commuternation.com

50 - wow!the last time i went 50, we were on our tandem, there was a burning rubber smell, we frantically tried to slow down using the classic Flintstone method, and our tire blew off the rim as I was steering us toward the grassy shoulder (is that like the grassy knoll?). Subsequently we independently connected a drag brake, and decided to stop towing the offspring.I have fear of 50.How about crabon wheelbrows? I've seed 'em.

Must meet any 2 of the following 3 criteria:• It has the potential to enhance or enhances sport performance;• It represents an actual or potential health risk to the athlete;• It violates the Spirit of Sport."

I love wheelsets. I've had cosmic carbones, ksyriums, handmade clinchers and sew-ups (which I still ride.) In fact wheelsets are the only upgrade I can justify to the blonde I co-habitate with. She thinks all the wheels hanging in my garage tool room are worn out tires--I don't know, I guess because I make her take her car to the mechanic on her own when she get's a flat.

Ant1,That is great, especially if you pause it at 0:21 for the expression on the rider's face. Although Lego people don't have fingers per se, it looks like he was flipping off the driver and yelling some epithet suitable for NYC just before getting creamed.

Learned about the boutique wheels the hard way (at the top of tioga pass). Now have set built by local builder who will fix them pronto if I can't instead of waiting *three* *weeks* for the [insert offender] company to fix them. Snob wisdom continues to save me money. I wish there was a Snob equivalent for woodworking.

That's it! This morning was the final straw. I've officially given up trying to be a good citizen by utilizing the effing bike lanes. Here's what I encountered in no particular order: oblivious rollerblader w/ headphones; person pulling a suitcase on wheels; old lady walking a dog; two people side by side each pulling a suitcase on wheels; and so many pedestrians I lost count (about half wearing effing headphones). I'd rather take my chances riding alongside sociopathic cab drivers.

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!