THE LAST CHEAP TRUTH
"NODE ZERO" DEMOLISHED! Omniaveritas shot!
(Austin, Texas November 1986) "Node Zero," the global info-nexus of the CHEAP
TRUTH publishing empire, has been reduced to smoldering wreckage in a
poorly-realized action-sequence right out of the worst tradition of macho
adventure fiction.
A dead Hollywood stunt-dummy, with several burst squibs of chicken-blood
attached to its head and torso, was discovered by hard-boiled investigators.
The body has been identified as that of CHEAP TRUTH editor Vincent
Omniaveritas.
Credit for the attack was immediately claimed in phone-calls to a fictional
news service where guys wear snap-brim hats that say "press" and have teletypes
that go clackaclackaclacka. We are reprinting the statements in their entirety.
(Version 1) "This is the voice of the Skiffy Defense Initiative. On November
26, 1986, our armed counterterrorist strike force received authorization from
the National Security Council, or guys who looked and acted just like them, to
surround the CHEAP TRUTH terrorist cell and neutralize them by any means
necessary.
"A leak in the Marxist publication ROLLING STONE allowed us at last to
establish irrefutable proof of linkage between CHEAP TRUTH's activities and
the blustering madman known as the "Qaddafi of Technosleaze." At the modest
cost of half a billion dollars, an attack was launched in a healthy condition
of total press secrecy.
"Off-duty Dorsai mercenaries, freshly flown in from contra training camps in
Honduras, opened ground fire with 9mm folding-stick Uzi submachine guns,
silenced, Ingram Mac-10s, and Heckler-and-Koch MP5 automatic sidearms,
meanwhile shouting a challenge and requesting all inside to identify
themselves. They were met with savage return-fire from Czech-made Skorpion
automatic pistols and cheap, cruddy, but witheringly effective Soviet-supplied
AK47 automatic rifles.
"To our surprise we found that the supposedly 'simple wooden cabin' known as
Node Zero had been armored in Kevlar and crammed with dozens of Cuban
construction workers. Rescuer casualties mounted, and it became necessary to
call in an airstrike.
"Blueprints of the Stealth bomber then strafed the terrorist fortress, followed
by blistering orbital fire from X-ray lasers, particle beams, and magnetic
rail-guns. This caused the enemies, with all their bad ideas, to vaporize
without a trace and should have been done a long time ago."
(Version 2) "Hello? Am I on the air? Well this is Professor -- woops, this is
the voice of the Humanist Peace and Justice Coalition, uh, calling... Well, as
everybody knows, we Humanists been putting up with a lot of guff from these
cyberpunks, who've been swiping our Nebulas and ridiculing our angst. Then we
heard rumors that they'd just called good old Robinson a "no-talent hippydippy
arch-wimp." The time had come for a final showdown.
"So we took Connie's, uh, Comrade Tanya's, writing grant, and bought Amtrak
tickets for everybody. We met in Austin and had some Campari-and-sodas
downtown, then marched on their den of iniquity. And we stood in the alley
downstairs and yelled challenges, until the CHEAP TRUTH staff finally heard us
over their blaring heavy-metal punk drivel. Then Vince and Sue came out, and
stood on the porch upstairs, and yelled abuse, and threatened to grab Nancy and
Connie and Karen Joy and dip their braids in the inkwe ll. And that was
followed by a barrage of spitwads and legal-sized paper airplanes with
paperclips in the4 noses that really stung.
"So we had to get tough! First we gave 'em the introduction to PLANET ON THE
TABLE, where Stan has the long talk with James Joyce. We could hear 'em
vomiting inside, but they fired back with hard-tech expositive lumps from
Toffler and Ilya Prigogine. So we hit 'em with both barrels: a chunk of
self-reflexive metafiction and some third-hand magic realism.
"They reeled back howling and we rushed upstairs to the door, only to fined it
barricaded with J.G. Ballard re-issues... That was the last straw, because we
know Ballard officially belongs to us... Our blood was up, and we swarmed into
the place, yelling the sacred name of LeGuin and lashing out right and left
with our shepherd's crooks...
"Then suddenly Vince slipped on the slick footing of a copy of OMNI and crashed
into his massive bank of computers... Big zaps of electricity jumped out of all
this Frankenstein equipment which literateurs were not meant to know, and given
all the paper, the whole place went up as fast as Shepard's reputation... Sue
Denim sneaked out by disguising herself as a progressive feminist writer, and
the last thing we heard was Vince screaming, "I meant Spider Robinson, you
assholes."
(Version 3) SFAW Grievance Committee Report
"When rumors reached us of Mr. Omniaveritas' death, we reacted with grave
concern. He had, after all, been semiprofessionally published in INTERZONE, and
could be broadly regarded as one of us, even though his name and address never
showed in the Directory and we never got cent one of dues out of him. So we
despatched a crack investigative team of myopic geeks and pudgy women in satin
to clarify the situation. If foul play was discovered, we were perfectly
prepared to threaten to sic Harlan's lawyer on any publisher involved.
"Our team travelled to the stated address of the CHEAT TRUTH headquarters, 908
West 12th Street in Austin. We were annoyed, and more than a little angry, to
discover that 908 is the address of 'House Park Bar-B-Que,' a working-class
Texas eatery that has been in continuous operation since 1943. It was full of
rude mundanes in baseball hats and overalls who looked us over and laughed
aloud.
"The SFAW have been made the butts of a calculated publicity stunt. We may now
assure the membership that there is no such publication as 'CHEAT TRUTH' and
definitely no such person as 'Omniaveritas.' There is no 'movement' of 'radical
hard SF' writers threatening to 'reinvent science fiction from an eighties
perspective.' It was only hype and everyone can relax.
"However, the joke is on the hoaxsters. Although there is no such thing as an
actual cyperbunk 'ideology,' the term itself has become a viable subgeneric
marketing category. Our sources in publishing assure us that the use of the
term 'cyberbunk' in cover blurbs guarantees a modest, but solid sales increase,
which may well be useful to younger, less established writers.
"A SFAW member in good standing has prepared a helpful beginners' manual,
'Cyperbunk: What It Means, How To Write It,' which will include a glossary of
useful subgenre jargon, such as 'wetware,' 'retrofit,' 'download', and
'biohazard.' Other chapters will analyze typical cyperbunk plot structures,
including tips on how to have the antihero lose the girl in the end without
being too downbeat. Younger SFAW members should consult their agents as to
whether they too can profit by joining this flashy, but flimsy bandwagon."
INTERVIEW WITH VINCENT OMNIAVERITAS
Saddened by the death of this fabled gangster of Eighties SF criticism, we
decided to re-visit the Cross Plains Dairy Queen (CT3, CT11) and contact his
spirit for a post-mortem interview.
To our surprise we found Omniaveritas, apparently very much alive, sipping a
Dr. Pepper with his wife, sometime CT graphic artist Sherry LaPuerta.
Omniaveritas wore his usual "Captain Harlock - Space Pirate" T-shirt, a black
leather bomber jacket, jeans, and Chinese kung fu shoes. Ms. La Puerta wore a
maternity jumper and mirrorshades.
CT: Vince! Heard you were dead.
VO: (grunts) Not a scratch on me. CT, though, is definitely history.
CT: How come?
VO: (with a heavy sigh) A lot of reasons, really... First, Sherry and I have a
kid on the way.... Yeah, thanks, we're thrilled about it too.... I have a book
to do... And we bought a house. I had to change addresses, so it's a proper
time to put an honorable end to this phase of operations. We don't want the
next 12th Street tenants to be deluged, and possibly mentally harmed, by CT's
twisted mail.
CT: Why on earth stop now? When the stuff you've been touting is really taking
off?
VO: That's the very reason. I mean, when CHEAP TRUTH was mentioned in ROLLING
STONE I knew the end was near. For CT to be cultural currency for those
clapped-out yuppie breadheads... Jesus, what's next? The WALL STREET JOURNAL?
CT: But wasn't publicity the point?
VO: The whole point of CHEAP TRUTH was that anyone can do it. All you need is
something to say, and a xerox. You don't need a clique or a bankroll or PR
flacks. But now I've got crap like that, so I've changed. CT was a garage-band
effort and looked it, deliberately. But I'm not a garage-band guy now. I've
taught myself how to play, I got my own label and recording studio, I'm even
big in Japan. I could lie about it, and pretend I was still really
street-level, but it would be bogus. It would betray the who le ethos of the
thing. Truth plus lies always equals lies.
Besides, a lot of the original freedom is gone. People know who I am, and they
get all hot and bothered by personalities, instead of ideas and issues. CT can
no longer claim the "honesty of complete desperation." That first fine flower
of red-hot hysteria is simply gone.
CT: You sound bitter about it.
VO: Fuck no, man, the thing did exactly what I wanted it to. It was a
successful experiment and had a big pay-off for all concerned. But it has
limits. It's too small to get into the really heavy issues, at length. And it's
okay as a straight propaganda broadside, but it's not much use as a forum for
balanced discussion.
The work has to come first. The publicity can handle itself now. It's already a
fucking juggernaut, so I don't see much point in getting out to push. I got
better things to do.
CT: So you're saying you've cut a successful niche for yourself, is that it?
VO: The skiffy establishment, such as it is, still doesn't have the foggiest
idea what we're up to. They think we're a bunch of PR hustlers, an inch deep,
all candy-flake and chrome. They read CT and think, "gosh, what a hip publicity
stunt, this year's model, they can't mean it, though." (Pauses, then bursts
into sinister laughter)
CT: What about your readers, though?
VO: If they miss what CT offers, let 'em start their own zines. It's easy!
Personally, I'm going to read Steve Brown's SF EYE (at Box 3105, Washington, DC
20010, $7/yr($12 overseas)). Brown's a hip guy and will have some good people
working with him, including me if truth be told, though I'll be cleaned up,
wearing a shirt and tie, and using another name. I have high hopes for this
mag, because it's got room and inclination to tackle the real problems of the
field. And I'll be reading Scott Card's SHORT FOR M (at 546 Lindley Road,
Greensboro NC 27410, $10/yr.) Card has no taste at all, he gets all damp-eyed
over the most laughably inadequate pulp kitsch, but he's usually good for a
hoot... It's good to know there's some Neanderthal out there who has the c-word
people figured for effete literateurs.... But for now I'm hanging up my shoes.
I did what I wanted and I'm quitting while I'm ahead. Could be THE COMPLEAT
CHEAP TRUTH will appear as a retrospective, with a copyright and everything.
Oh, and everyone shoul d buy the new Arbor House collection, MIRRORSHADES: The
Cyberpunk Anthology ($16.95). It's a solid memento of the scene and has the
best single summary of Movement ideology.
Someday I may try another zine. But CT's too big now and people lean on it too
much. I wanted to point at the mountaintop, I don't want to be the mountain
myself.
CT: I guess I see... Any final words?
VO: I hereby declare the revolution over. Long live the provisional government.
CT: Same old Vince... Goodbye all.
*****
*
* The Last CHEAP TRUTH
* Austin Texas USA
* The Late Vincent Omniaveritas, editing.
* Todd "Need a Job" Refinery, Graphics.
* Shiva the Destroyer, for the Electronic Edition.
* Not copyrighted.
*
*****
"Don't mourn, organize"