M.O.M.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

God Will Give Us More Than We Can Handle

I love inspirational quotes, quick notes of affirmation, and catchy phrases. The
ones that grab your attention hold you still for a minute and allow you
to reflect on the good in your life or push you to do more with it. What I don’t like are words that are meant to inspire, but only bring about feelings of failure and misguidance. The
ones that tell you if you hoped hard enough, pray long enough or follow
the directions life will be easy, enjoyable and meaningful.

I refer back to the 14-months we lived in the RV frequently. (The Wilderness)
To date it still is the worst time of my life. Not just because of its
small space or location, but because I got a really good look at myself.
The person that a year earlier was so dedicated to her Bible studies,
her prayers, her family. I faced that same
woman a year later and watched as she stood in a pool of her own blood
wondering not if God existed, but why she should continue to follow Him
when He’d obviously abandoned her.

I saw a void. A sad empty place that once burned for God and now was left barren both physically and spiritually.

And that’s when the depression set in. Not the kind I grew up with; always chasing me but never completely taking me under. It’s
plagued me my whole life. Most of us have the feelings of sadness hit
us or self-doubt. But depression for me was a heavy blanket that I could
feel creep up on me. I would shake it off, but it might take a few days
or weeks. It was nothing very serious, but when suicide is whispered at
family get-togethers and names of family members attached, you realized
that it’s not just in your mind. So I fought a bit harder.

But what came upon me in the RV was so much darker.Not
only did I feel isolated from the world, but I pulled away from my
parents, my child and my husband. I withdrew into a realm of online chat
with meaningless banter and faceless usernames. They didn’t know me.
They didn’t see my struggles. And the best part was they didn’t care. I
wanted that. I didn’t want to put on false
smiles or hear how things will get better. Or worse, how others have
suffered more, making my own struggles seem small in comparison. I just
wanted to escape.