There’s inappropriate sex … and then there’s ‘The Trunk’

Too many disturbing things in this episode to know where to start. Cooper and Charlotte? Batgirl? The Trunk?!! OK, never mind – I think that last one takes the cake.

For those who don’t know him intimately, “The Trunk” is also known as Carl, also known as Addison’s date … also known as Violet’s patient. Yep – Addy’s got a date with a psych patient, and the whole time her colleagues are freaking out over this, I’m thinking, What’s wrong with that? It’s not like he’s in a straitjacket or anything.

But are things ever as easy as they seem? Freshly dissed by Pete’s no-show for their sex appointment (“I will work with you, but personally, you have been downgraded to acquaintance” – ouch!), Addy meets Carl in line at a coffee shop. They make cutesy small talk, he gets her number and calls later – it’s a date! Violet overhears and isn’t so sure it’s a good idea, but bites her tongue for now.

The vibes between Violet and Cooper are weird, as expected. “I was like a peeled banana,” she complains to Addison and Naomi. “I have good parts, and he looked right over them.” Addy whines that she has good parts, too, to which Violet agrees – “You have good breasts.” “Thanks,” Addy says. “I like your ass.” Homoerotic, heterosexual girl bonding. So cute.

Unlike Violet, Cooper does want to talk about what transpired between them. She advises him to find someone else – “There’s a whole World Wide Web out there.” I keep forgetting about his weird fascination with meeting women online. Sure enough, when Pete barges in on him typing later, Cooper announces that he has a date – UCantHandleThis69, or something equally sleazy.

So maybe Sam and Naomi won’t be the only ones getting busy on this show. Not that they’re planning on doing it again … maybe. “We didn’t forget,” Sam says slyly of their post-divorce tryst. Naomi cracks a broad smile and agrees. Does this mean they still have feelings for each other? Should they get back together? Absolutely not, Naomi says, which totally surprises me – kind of like Violet saying no to Alan. “It was just a one-time slip-up.”

Before Naomi can do a Hail Mary, Dell finds the pair and tells them a priest is looking for them – their priest. I’m not Catholic, so forgive me if I’m getting this wrong, but why in the world are Sam and Naomi acting like they’ll be sentenced to eternal damnation for having sex? Neither is married to someone else, so there’s no coveting of anyone’s wife, or breaking any of those other commandments. I don’t get it.

They agree to keep their divorce a secret from the priest (Thou shalt not lie?), who is actually Claire Danes’ dad from My So-Called Life! Glad he’s still getting work. He’s called them to help an 86-year-old nun who’s become very sick, even though she’s been sequestered with the other nuns for the last three months. Sam can’t identify the woman’s rash, so he takes a cell phone snapshot and sends it to Dell for examination. Nothing prettier than an 86-year-old woman’s wrinkly belly rash blown up to full-screen size.

Addison and Pete are working together on something called “Safe Surrender,” a program where mothers who want to give up their babies may do so safely under a doctor’s care. This kind of reminds me of that episode of Saved by the Bell when Zack and co. set up a teen advice hotline and get flooded with calls their first day in business. Not a flattering comparison, I know. But remember Zack’s faux Australian accent?! Anyway, moving on …

The first call happens to come on the night of Addy’s date with Carl, who proves to be charming, family-oriented and may as well have “Addison’s Perfect Man” stamped on his forehead. Who cares about that whole psych patient thing? But before Addy can delve into more intimate territory with Carl, she has to abandon the date and go with Pete to meet a young mother.

It’s Bree’s daughter! Playing a pregnant teenager! Imagine that. Well, she’s technically not pregnant anymore; she’s just given birth to a girl at home and is rushing Addy and Pete to take the baby before her mother finds out. Now it’s back to the clinic, with baby in tow.

Since Addy’s had babies on the brain since, like, forever, it’s no surprise that she embraces her role as caretaker of the baby. The baby makes these cute baby noises that sound somewhat monkey-like to me, although Addison thinks she sounds more like a bat and decides to christen the baby “Batgirl.” Seriously? Celebrities have come up with weirdernames for their children, I suppose.

Addy’s also planning on seeing Carl again, and now that the guys know he’s one of Violet’s patients, they’re desperate to know what’s wrong with him. Vi cites that old doctor-patient confidentiality thing and refuses to give them details, but upon further questioning, she relents and gives them one hint. “He calls himself ‘The Trunk.’” Huh? Cooper speculates that it’s an elephant reference, and that being, um, “freakishly large” isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Oh, if Addison could be so lucky.

Back at the convent, the mysterious, wrinkly belly rash is spreading – to other nuns and presumably, to other body parts. Almost all the nuns seem to be deathly ill, which gets Sam and Naomi worried that they’ve contracted whatever it is the nuns have – as punishment for their “sin.” If I were them, I wouldn’t worry. Maybe Addison should tell them about some of the goings-on at her former workplace, Seattle Grace, and they’ll learn a thing or two about immorality.

Dramatic music – the disease is… typhoid! “Well if we’re going to die, I’m glad we got some,” Sam reasons. Fair enough. But typhoid’s incubation period is much shorter than the time the sisters have been sequestered with no exposure to anyone but each other, which means someone must have sneaked in or out of the convent. But who? That snake of a dad from My So-Called Life – that’s who. He couldn’t keep it in his pants back then, remember?

It’s nothing that scandalous, the priest says. Yes, he had been sneaking into the convent to see one of the nuns, but it was strictly platonic. She was teaching him how to cook! Is it wrong that I don’t immediately believe this? Regardless, Sam and Naomi do, and since he’s “their” priest, I guess they would know. So, case closed.

Still, Naomi can’t help but feel guilty about having had sex with Sam, so she confesses – except without going into the little booth or waiting for a private moment with the priest. Sam is mortified. That’s OK, the priest says – in the eyes of God, they are still married. In other words – have at it. They walk away hand-in-hand. Somehow I see this bringing about major disappointment for Naomi.

From here on out, it’s nothing but downhill for Addison. She and Pete go on another Safe Surrender call, but this time, they’re not so successful. The baby has been abandoned in a park and is in such bad shape they cannot save him. Then there’s Batgirl – er, Melanie – as her biological mother decides to name her upon arriving to the clinic to reclaim her. Addy is heartbroken.

Oh, but it gets worse! Well, I think this is worse. Violet’s been summoned to the hospital to see one of her patients – it’s Carl, and he’s been admitted for “doing what he always does.” Which is? Ew, ew, ew! There’s an X-ray on the wall, and if I’m not mistaken, that looks like a shoe up his posterior. A shoe! Addy’s shoe! Heh – remember when she was ticked about Doc the dog chewing her $600 pumps on Grey’s? Doesn’t seem so bad now, huh?

Violet advises Carl that he needs to focus on his issues and not date, and he agrees. He asks Vi to pass along the message to Addison. Word has spread around the clinic that Carl calls himself “The Trunk,” and Addison wants to know why. “Well, a trunk is a place where you put things,” Violet explains. “Things you might take. In an anatomical sense…” Stop right there! Addison gets it; the look on her face is priceless. See what happens when you shop for love outside the hospital?

It kind of goes the other way around for Cooper and his internet date – and no, I don’t mean with regard to shoes or body parts. He arrives at the bar looking for a petite blonde – Ms. UCantHandleThis69 – and finds … Charlotte. Of all the blondes in Los Angeles, he winds up with the only doctor from the only hospital that his practice ever works with. The world isn’t that small, folks.

This woman is way too good-looking to have to resort to chat rooms for anonymous sex dates – if that’s all she’s looking for, I mean. As for someone to put up with her personality, that’s another story. Cooper finds the coincidence amusing; Charlotte, not so much. She runs away in horror.

Cooper finally gets Violet to give in and talk to him, and they both admit the conversation is hard because they can talk about anything, except “us.” They lighten the load by talking about other people. She tells him about Carl and how he earned his nickname, and Cooper suggests that maybe the trunk will find a woman who enjoys what he does. “So my job has no point?” Vi cracks. Nothing significant out of that conversation; it’s cute and I like them, that’s all.

When Cooper catches Charlotte at the clinic after their blind date gone awry, she’s her usual, wretched self. He proposes a drink and, despite whatever naughty things UCantHandleThis69 suggested, “absolutely no sex.” Good, because I like Cooper, and seeing him get horizontal with Charlotte would – ahh! They’re doing it! Ugh, I’m surprised they made it to bed if he had to put up with more than five minutes of her talking.

Poor Addison is recovering from her terrible, awful, no good, very bad day (or whatever kind of day that kid from the book had), when Pete tells her she really shouldn’t be alone. I know what he’s getting at, and more than likely Addison does too – but she just says not to worry, she won’t be alone. Something tells me it won’t be another outing with Carl.

She goes to Sam’s, instead. What’s up with these people just showing up at each other’s houses in the middle of the night? It seems random, too, like, Well, I haven’t barged in on Sam in a while; I think I’ll whine to him tonight, or whatever. Addison says it’s because she called Naomi, but got no answer. Who wants to bet a million bazillion dollars it’s because Naomi is there at Sam’s?

Ding ding ding! Clad in Sam’s robe, she’s suddenly at Addison’s side. I don’t know if it’s Carl or Batgirl or the baby she couldn’t save that’s got Addison all upset, or maybe it’s a combination of all three. She’s bawling her eyes out – Sam’s out of there faster than you can say “estrogen.”