Life in progress

Attack of the Puppy-Sized Spider

So I’m driving down the highway last night, cruising along at about 115km/hr (around 75mph) when out of the corner of my eye I see the silhouette of a spider crawling down my window.

“Oh God, it’s a spider,” I exclaim to my adult son in the passenger seat.

“I see it,” he says.

“Can you kill it? Without going across my line of sight?”

“Maybe,” he says. He’s panicking too. He hates bugs. He once tried to jump out of a moving van because we had a fruit fly travelling with us. No joke. Okay, he was three years old at the time, but you get the picture.

“If you can’t kill it, just watch where it goes. Tell me if it gets too close to me. NO WAIT! Don’t tell me.”

“Okay. I won’t tell you. But you might want to pull over.”

“I can’t pull over for a spider!! We’re on the frickin’ highway!”

“Okay, okay,” he says, sounding more anxious than ever. “But you don’t want to know where it is right now.”

“DON’T TELL ME! DO YOU WANT TO DIE?” We’re passing two transport trailers at this point, and I’ve sped up to 130 to get to the offramp. We’re almost home.

“NO! No, it’s okay. It’s nowhere near you.”

We stay quiet. I’m trying to sit as far away from the driver’s door as possible; I can see him looking my way out of the corner of my eye.

“It’s really dark,” he says. “I don’t see it anymore.”

I get off the highway and force myself to stay calm until we get to the parking lot of the nearest Tim Horton’s. As soon as I park the car I start looking for the beast.

“It crawled along your arm and into the back seat,” my son admits. “It was only this big though.” He holds his hand up and forms an “o” that’s less than the size of a dime.

“No, it’s huge,” I argue.

He looks at me, but says nothing.

“Well, thank you for not telling me it was crawling on me,” I say. “I didn’t want to die tonight.”

“Me neither.”

Then I say, “Okay, I’m going in to get a coffee. You stay here and look for the spider.” (It’s such a privilege, being a mom.)

“Get me a croissant,” he says. It’s the least I can do.

A few minutes later he comes into the restaurant. “I couldn’t find the spider.”

“Oh no,” I sigh.

I managed to get us the rest of the way home without freaking out last night, but we still haven’t found the spider. Despite the fact that it was the size of a puppy.

38 thoughts on “Attack of the Puppy-Sized Spider”

I was doing Uber one night when I saw a spider hanging down from my rear view. I almost crashed, seriously. I had been going 50 MPH and skidded to a stop in someone’s driveway, but not pulled in to the driveway, but at the beginning of the driveway still parallel to the road, and the front of my car was almost nose to nose with a telephone pole. Had a cop come by at that moment, I for sure would’ve been given a ticket. I almost drove my car into the river, because I couldn’t find the spider either. It was every bit as big as a horse.

Bugs in cars cause a lot of accidents – you did well to stay cool. I used to feel pretty safe here in the UK, but more and more foreign bugs are turning up here all the time – a huntsman spider was found in Kent the other day. If I saw one of those suckers I think I’d go instantly crazy.

We once had a our then 3yr old daughter begin screaming as we drove along only to discover a huntsman spider, the size right across of a saucer. It required the valour of a dad intent on stopping said daughter from screaming. The hapless spider was dealt with and we travelled on, but I have not forgotten the moment..

It came down to probable death (rolling over on the highway) and improbable death (worse case, a bite that itches for a few days). All in all I think I picked the best-case scenario. But it was hair raising!

Well, you know I absolutely adore spiders. I also used to be massively arachnophobic though, so I’m not laughing at your obvious fear – it’s no laughing matter. I remember when spiders the size of a pound coin freaked me out.

Since you and your son are both frightened of our little arachnid friends, I think you both coped very well – and thank you for not killing it 🙂