What is more dull than a discreet diary? One might as well have a discreet soul! - Henry Channon 1897-1958

Saturday, August 31, 2002

Spent most of the day talking with Selanni and Reena.

Near the end of work a lady phoned. She was on the train already. I checked her ticket. It was day trip. For August 17th (don't ask me how she got past the extremely vigilante check in staff). And there was no dog put on the ticket despite the fact one would be travelling back. And thus she wasn't actually booked on a train on the way back. Which is a problem as there is no availability on the way back till 01:45 on Monday!! And her ticket will have expired by then, and she will be stuck in France until Monday. And she will have to pay £197.50 to get home. :o( I told her to get off the train!! But too late the connection was broken as she disappeared into the tunnel.

Marie Anne, myself and my supervisor wished you all the best Ms Sceeg. Poor you.

Wah!! Got work in like 6 minutes.... tomorrow is my day off. Will 1) update site with new fangled pages (a cat page devoted to Millie, Scooby and Angel is definetly in the pipeline!) and 2) go see Jon who I am currently texting with... This means..... sex...... joy!! Sorry but this has been like the longest celibate period of my young life since I was a virgin.

Supposed to be going out to Lucy Langley's birthday BBQ. Me and Laura have made tentative plans to make it as exciting as Sarah's birthday BBQ ("I am not weird... I am gay") Shall be fun.

Must speak to Stephen haven't heard from him in ages.

Ben, and Becky were not out last night. Suspicious. Think I was duped by Benjamin. Hmm....

Friday, August 30, 2002

I am slightly tipsy and have felt so horny today. Pete even said to me "You SO need a shag". We went to 'Spoons where I eyed up all the men and Pete tried to avoid eye contact with barmaid he danced withon Monday. No success..... she thinks we are both gay so we got special looks!

Then we went to the Leas Club, met Zoe and I swooned over every guy. Right am in need of random shag.... like yesterday.. will see to it tomorrow as it is a day off on Sunday. See Pete, Emmsy and Matthew I am taking your advice.

Complete redesign of site will soon occur as now I shall have very own about pages, MT worship pages, hardcore sexy men pics (see below) etc... :o)

Thursday, August 29, 2002

OK ignore post below... am in a very stressed mood. Fuss, fuss, fuss. Constant, no peace. If I had my own place I would have some bloke over like Jon, or one of my old lot. Instead I must amuse myself with going slowly out of my mind.

AAAHHHH!!! Help.... may introduce a PayPal button for donations to the Save Jae Fund.... only joking.... I think.....

I feel extremely petty and bad for what I am about to say but, I am going to say it anyway.

When I went to France on Monday I bought a box of cereals. Cereals you can't get in this country, and that I have a fancy for. I had one bowl. Today I find they have all been eaten, Mum has been giving them to the kids. I know I sound terrible here.

But I pay a hell of a lot a week for a room smaller than most peoples cupboards (literally!! Pete will confirm this [although his room is smaller]). it is a crippling amount. So I expect some sort of privilege.... like privacy and respect for my stuff. But no. That £40 does not get me any favours other than a roof over my head. When the kids get McDonalds... I don't. When I get myself something.... I have to get everyone else stuff.

Yet another symptom that I am being taken for a great big, expensive ride. If the amount wasn't so constantly draining on my resources I would move out. I could get my own flat for a couple of quid more. But it takes out so much that added with my debt repayments I have little left to spend. Ggggrrr....

I am very horny of late... as can be seen by my comments feature!! Should I fall back to my usual safe harbour of Jon (not to be confused by new readers with JoHn!)? Or should I hold out for true love for once instead of being weak and taken the quick shag option, which as you know hurt Jon last time.......

Wednesday, August 28, 2002

I am feeling lonely today. Not in a "oh woe is me" depressed way though. Just feeling a bit.... serious? I think that best descibes my mood. I want a man. But can't be bothered to look for one. Not just yet have therapy to finish before I start looking for a relationship!! But I want sex, someone to talk to who won't get bored (hard to find I know!!), a cuddle once in a while. Maybe I am looking for a relationship come to think of it. Bugger.

Anyhew how is everyone? What have you been up to since my comments went dead? I had a nice day at work, eyed up some muscular workman who seemed to be wearing jeans and tops many sizes too small giving the impression that they had at some point expanded incredible hulk style in their clothes..... very nice effect may I add..... :o)

I think I am about to have fish and chips *purrs with happiness* Oh and Scooby has decided that at night my face is the perfect place to hunker down. Am not amused..... Especially as once moved to my stomach he decides to purr like a tractor..... Grrr..... :o)

Yesterday I had the day off to recover from random drunkeness (feel bad don't like having days off when I have responsibilities).

Last night Pete and Zoe came round and we watched "I'm A Celebrity. Get Me Out Of Here" (=Celebrity Survivor) in which 8 Z-list celebs (make that 6 Z-list and 2 "who the fuck are their?" celebs). Last night we got to see Darren Day's pubic hair. I found this far too sexy and would like to be shot. Finding Darren Day sexy is like..... well it is the worst thing ever so there is nothing to quite show the evil of it.

Please note: new comment system until my beloved netcomments return. Say hi as I miss you all!!!

Tuesday, August 27, 2002

Firstly, very long post ahead....

Right I must apologise for the lack of comments. Netcomments has gone off somewhere and enetation is down too.... so if you need to comment, just go to my message board (there for just this kind of temergency we all remember the great comment drought of April).

I went to France yesterday, isn't the Chunnel just super?! So fast, convient and free for me!! French men rule. Love 'em. When ever I am in France my problems seem to just melt away. I want to move there like yesterday. Impressed family with my French skills "Je voudrais en pain au chocolat si vous plait". See I'm fluent..... or not...

Nan came along and outside a sex hop loudly proclaimed she couldn't go in there as she might come out with a vibrator "or something". May I just say I wasn't attempting to tempt her from the righteous path here!!

Got back..... was tired. Pete "made" me go to Leas club, spoons, and club with various bods.... It was a gay friendly night which was very fun, lots of foam...... I got very, very drunk. Got home threw up, decided not to go to work today.

Meet another Folkestone blogger yesterday. Where are they all coming from? Did she discover blogging via Annie or somewhere else? You know there are so many bloggers here we may as well do a blog meetup all of our own!! Preferably involving lots of beer and a troop of male strippers. Anyway her name is Ellie (I think) and here is an exerpt from her blog....

right, heres the really good bit. MT. he looked sooooo lovely was wearing pale grey waistcoat and lilacy type bow tie. yum. he was nice to me actuslly when thought had lost bag but really stupid lauren had kidnapped it. anyway i spoke to him for a while but he was clearly having final fling wih evil KM (he told me they were just friends!!) oh well, i'll have him another time. shall lie in wait in stlyle of lioness who is stalking helpless gazelle...eeexcellent....

Saturday, August 24, 2002

In a rather surreal incident Mrs Lloyd, an old french teacher at school, has just been in my house berating me for not staying at university. Two questions really. 1) Why was she here? 2) How did she know I had left university? Me all confuzzled.

In other news, the folks want to move to.... Lympne.... :o( This is my worst nightmare. I can't afford to move away from them yet. And Lympne, if there is a centre of the universe, that town is the place furthest from. Really am feeling bad now. Lympne?! I must find a way to get more money, a flatmate and a new flat. That is not a joke. This is serious. I (secretly) like Folkestone. It is big enough to satisfy my need for stuff, and close enough to London, Brighton and France to provide easy escape routes by train, bus, chunnel or ferry. I want to move away in the long run, but I was perfectly happy here.

Today I am in a happy mood, contemplating, not doing much in particular (hint hint, find me something to do!!). I am mainly thinking of Him, The Sixth Former. Tut tut, I hear you all say. I know I really should start living in the present and not in the past, but he is so.... perfect.

Yesterday me and mum had a deep discussion about what makes me depressed and she said that I should be more normal. She told me that I should stop being so snobbish about interacting with yobs, football hooligans, and the Family, just because I disagree with their views on homosexuality, race and the world. I do interact with them just not on a social or personal level, only as much as is necessary. I feel that to be nice to racist, homophobic scum would be to go against all I believe in. I may not be right in my religious/political beliefs. But I am right when it comes to who I choose to like/co-operate with. I believe that the best way to deal with fascists is to line them up against a wall and shoot them all dead....

That may be a contradiction and I probably don't believe that, but hey if racists/homophobes have the freedom to hold rallies (see the recent BNP [that is Nazis for my non-British readers] rally and the ban on an anti-Nazi counter protest) then I have the freedom to say what I want here. It is my belief that to protect the future of the children of this country the best thing to do would be to ship the Nazi scum to Sark (a backward, fuedal Channel Island) and leave 'em there to hold rallies, discriminate and whatever else floats their boat.

It is my belief that being British is all about tolerance, but only of those who are tolerant too.

Thus ends my rant, and a half.

Just when you think all hope is lost a silver lining appears..... see here

Friday, August 23, 2002

A lot has happened since then in my life and in the real world, September 11th, the Queen Mum is dead, I turned 19, ran away to Europe, briefly went to university, split up with Stephen, became head receptionist of Faulty Towers Hotel, was unemployed and now work in a call centre. Strange what can happen in a year?

Like the amount of name/design changes this blog has had!!! Hundreds and hundreds!!

My original reader was me. And for months it remained just me. Then Pete and Laura and my university flat mates started to read it. It was my method of communicaton to them when I ran away.

Then one day at work I became bored, and I started to post regularly. A few weeks later a strange email arrived entitled "Farty Towels". Mister Alan (who I think is the coolest bloke in the world, he is funny, but sweet as well) had found my blog on Google. And he made me realise that reading other peoples blogs was more fun than writing my own...... Sister Mary Matthew (possibly the nicest person in the world) and Karen (I love Karen!!) plus some more friends (like Sam) soon started reading regularly....

And since then really so many nice people turned up.... each and everyone of my daily reads, I really do read daily (and the Folkestone ones more often!!) and I think you all rock!! Hello to all my readers thanks for sticking with this, even though I do whing too often and I complain a lot, and just when you think I am cheerful I turn out to be miserable!!

Wednesday, August 21, 2002

My Australian accent problem is under control, in a way. As long as I concentrate on what I am saying......

There are three types of straight blokes. 1)Those who have a problem with my sexuality, 2) those who it doesn't worry, and 3) those who see it as something they can use to their advantage, with a little flirting. Ross at work is one of the third category.

Ross came up to me today "Hi Jas" he said as he slumped into the chair next to me (he was in the year above me at school and I used to walk home with him so, like all that, lot he calls me Jas).

"Hello Ross, what do you want?"

"Well I have a favour to ask," he leant forward and touched my hand thus overloading my logic circuits. And so that was how, five minutes later, I was agreeing to do a late on Friday instead of an early, with an extra dollop of overtime as well. Grrrr....... darn straight men who are so at ease with their sexuality they aren't above flirting!!

Off done Gee's in a mo to see Sam..... he has some interesting stories!!!

Monday, August 19, 2002

I am now so frigging annoyed. Mum knew the situation with Alison, even know that Alison would ask me to help her. When mum phoned to tell me Alison would be coming round to go on the net, she didn't even warn me.

So I feel horrible. I have broken one of my cardinal rules.... NEVER SNOOP. I did it because a supposedly responsible older person emotionally black mailed me into ding something I find morally irreprehensible. That makes me sad, and also angry at myself for letting her do it.

Mum should never have allowed me to be put in that situation, or at least given me some info on what to expect. Now I have helped someone I don't really like (I think she is a truely awful mum) snoop on a man I 1) hardly know and 2) THINK MAY WELL BE INNOCENT.

And now mum is treating it as a joke. I have done something that I loath people doing to me. I have done something that goes against my religions respect of personal privacy. And mum keeps calling me the arch deciever and the like. This is not a game. This is a relationship. Children are involved.

I can be so happy, watching my movies, having a friend over (Zoe this time) and then suddenly I can be made so unhappy and stressed out, and on the verge of psyching out/screaming/crying.

It started about 40 minutes after Zoe arrived. Alison, a lady who looks after the twins arrived with them and her evil daughter Joanna in tow. They were all hyper and as per usual I was the one who had to discipline Joanna, instead of her mum. Zoe got stressed with them and made her excuses and left. They never listen to me, and do exactly what they know will annoy me until I crack. And don't try and say they are only children. They are not. They are the spawn of Satan. And I am not joking.

And while I verged on breaking down, I was roped into, very much against my will, a scheme to entrap Alison's husband. A dastardly scheme in which I had to talk to a call centre agent (bah I hate those people!! And don't try to tell me that I am one of those people) and pretend to be him to get some phone numbers he had called. I said I wouldn't until she nearly cried. I gave in.

So now I feel really stressed and dirty.... I don't like people who snoop, I have enough of that from my so called "family". Fucking awful day off this turned out to be. Most days it feels like I can't win. All I want is a simple life. Just for a frigging day. Will someone just give me a break!!

I think I have cold. Well actually I hope I have a cold and it isn't tonsilitis (and if it is Pete, I would run away if I were you... :o) )

Over the last few days I have been deleting all my other blogs.... on all those different publishing tools... Goodbye Diary-X and my other blogspot blogs...

You see I didn't think I needed that many, so I thought I would concentrate on just this one. That was until I got to my Xanga site and in a fit of madness upgraded to Premium (can you tell I have been paid?). So I am now one man, two blogs. What I am going to say on each to avoid saying things twice is beyond me. But anyway check out my Xanga blog here. I will occasionally link to posts there to show my pictures... etc... It is easier than loading them on Geocities.

Right I am off to watch Predator and Terminator for the ninth time this month.... what do you mean I am an Arnie obsessive?! As if.....

UPDATE: Just got a letter from the NHS East Kent Clinical Psychologist. I know things with me seem fine right now. I feel content. But I am not naive enough to believe things will stay that way so my appointment is on Friday 6th of September, and I will be going. Finally something constructive to make me better after four years of mental hell.

Sunday, August 18, 2002

:o( It is a sad day today. Two people from my group are leaving, for quite long time.

Chris, Pete (with tonsilitis), Zoe and Matt came round for me, and after a quick stop at Safeways, Matt said "au revoir". He and maria (his girlfriend) are heading off to Europe tomorrow (copycat), and I probably shan't see him (and his rather bright shirts) for many months.

After that we headed for Chris' house. It was empty as his family were moving out. We said our goodbyes, with Pete hugging him to the ground, and Zoe near tears. Well she is going out with Chris. It is sad, Chris is off to Sunderland. We shall miss you Chris!! Come visit. And look after Pete at uni. And say hi to Molly (that is his dog by the by) for me.

:o(

Anyway had a Chinese take away over at Zoe's and watched Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. A bit somber really. In one month it will just be me and Zoe left in this town. And has anyone seen Sarah recently I think we have misplaced her....

I am have just finished reading an article in the Observer (from the NYT) about what happened inside the Twin Towers on the 11th of September. I admit it, I cried when I read it.

I haven't really ever articulated my thoughts and feelings about that day here on my blog. I remember watching live as the second plane hit. I remember the newsreaders on the BBC in complete shock, unable to comprehend what they had just seen. I remember thinking "How must those passengers have felt? Flying low over the harbour, towards death."

But the thing that gets me are the phone calls and emails. Those people trapped above the flames in the North towers, completely unable to escape. Doris the manager of Windows on the World, and her staff phoning for help as they tried to evacuate their customers. Mr. Rooney who phoned his wife from the top floor of the South Tower to tell her the doors to the roof were locked, and then she heard the explosion that would consume her husband who sat alone in a dark and smokey room by a locked door telling his wife, who he had meet at 16 and was still with at 50, he loved her while the tower literally collapsed around him.

Imagine it. You had gone to work as normal. You are chatting with you mates about the night before, smiling, joking. The next minute the world is dark, your friends are not only dead, but completely unrecognisable. And you are trapped above a fire far beyond the reach of help. People call for help from the darkness. How would you feel? You are just Joe Bloggs and this is New York. Things like this just don't happen, you tell yourself. But they did.

If they ever do find Osama alive I hope they force him to read every story, listen to every phone message, see every email, and watch every wedding/birthday video ever taken of his victims. Over and over again until he cries. And then maybe he might understand that his beloved Allah will not be happy with him either.

That is right MT and his older, more muscular brother AT are in there. Phwoah!! Now I don't want you to get the idea I read the Herald or indeed that I read it only for the sports pages just to see if MT is in there (which he usually is). It just happened to be open on that page. Honest.

Saturday, August 17, 2002

Just been out to 'Spoons. It was okay. Loads of stereotypically camp men and butch lesbians there. At 'Spoons. In Folkestone. I was shocked too.

Ended night with Smiley Laura and Caroline..... random bods....

OKay the walk home is usually uneventful. But there was a carnival in town today plus a big fun fair. So there were loads of straight bods with their drunken shags for the night getting in my way.

I really do get confused by "lads" they call me gay in the street. I agree and look at then like I haven't had sex since May (which I haven't) and suddenly they realise that not only am I gay but I am 6'8". It really is strange. It is like they lose all their senses and only realise after they have called me "poof" or "faggot"that me being so much bigger than them that I can do pretty much anything to them. It is funny when they realise their error. When I look at them with a very hungry look in my eyes. And they cower from me. Funny.

I mean the God's thought to the themselves "How can we cheer up those who are depressed?"

And they came up with men. I mean, what better way to be cheered up than by all the men in town simitaneously deciding to partially undress. Groovy baby, yeah!! Men are so sexy. I think this is why I like to be around gay men and straight women. Because I simply don't understand how someone cannot find men attractive.

It is not that I think being straight is a bad thing. I am not suggesting that. I am just saying how I do not understand it. That is not a judgement against hetrosexuality. I am sure many hetrosexual males can't understand how I don't find women attractive.... not even a little.

Diversity is after all the spice of life. That is why I don't understand why so much of reality is hushed up. At school you learn little about reality. It is all about people and things that are far removed from you. Or from me at least. The only time I felt any connection with anything I heard at school was when Mr. Swan, our brillliant English teacher, said "Now look boys poetry is something you are going to want to learn. How else will you learn to write love poems to your girlfriends, or boyfriends, as some of you will have them too."

That one sentence in the whole of my school career. No wonder I hated the place. How did I end up talking about Mr. Swan?

Finally two days off have arrived...... Sunday and Monday will be relaxing.....

Work has been mighty dull.... high points being trips to Tesco's with ben..... woohoo (that is sarcasm by the way!).

Had a team meeting yesterday which went on for ages with subjects as engrossing as the height of the speed ramps at the entrance and our low club class sales..... woohoo.....

Rebecca rushed up the duty supervisor today shouting (she never speaks quietly) "Who is Jason Kay?" I say I am. She puts a call through to me number and low and behold it is Matt Glasspole...... grrrr... asking about free tickets.... :o)

Chris leaves for Sunderland on Monday... :o( and Matt for Europe... :o( but Sam is back soon :o)

And hi to everyone one who has been talking to me on AIM..... I love that!!

Went to Gee's last night.... Elliot and John stayed the night..... Elliot really can't handle his drink.

Friday, August 16, 2002

Everything I say, do or write seems to annoy/upset someone or cause them to think badly of me, usually people I like. So I am going to return to quiet Jae mood. No this doesn't mean I am in a bad mood. Just quiet, okay?

I shan't be leaving too many comments on other people's blogs from now on. I always seem to annoy other bloggers. I shall keep my big mouth closed when I go out or go to work, and shall think before I speak.

"Soft of eye and light of touch,
Speak but little, listen much."

I shall be updating my links soon, Greg!! And I shall continue to write here. If what I write irritates you, don't read it!! I shan't be changing it just because some readers don't like what i write. I couldn't stop writing here, I am too addicted for that!!

Thursday, August 15, 2002

Becky left work. :o( I kind of guessed but she texted Emily today to say she had. :o( *sobs*

Joy of the day: phoned up another department at work today and said "Hi it's Jason in reservations... is it alright to transfer a customer through to you?"

"Why hi Jas how are you, it's Jeremy here?" a lush aussie accent said. As if I didn't know. I think jeremy is like the sexiest man on earth (bar MT and He-Man [hi Greg by the way, thanks for the chat!!]). Plus I have a weakness for Aussies.

Wednesday, August 14, 2002

So went outto Chris' last night with Chris, Zoe and Claire. We saw the worst movie ever (Being Considered... don't even consider it) and then watched Spaced which gets even better each time you watch it.

Work very long, tiring, and an illegal immigrant got lost in the tunnel and ruined everyones day. Trains cancelled, people annoyed and us call centre agents were stressed out!!

Will be moving house soon. To two doors down from the house on Broadmead Village we lived on last century. Will post a pic tomorrow.

How is everyone? And lets run a census... if you read this leave your name and how you got here (Hardc0re Readers make yourself known!!)

Take a look here and see what lengths some homophobes will go to, to spread a message of hatred. Freedom of speech is fine, they have that right. But besmirching the good name of a LEGEND? That is indefensible.

When I told Ben I was thinking of going to Paris next week, he said "Hey if you want someone to go with you, I'll come!" This I think showed how uncomfortable I am still with him even though we are good friends. If Pete, Laura or anyone from the group had said that I would have jumped up, hugged them, and began making crazy plans for a 1am ferry crossing and mad dash for Calais Frethun station..... when Ben said it I said "Ur...yeah... maybe...." Although this shows I do at least feel close to my mates.... it shows it takes a long time for me to be comfortable with people especially if they aren't really on the same wave length as me. I.e. slightly, not mad, but individual? Is that the right word? Not all of my friends are "individual" but all have a certain sense of fun and silliness. Ben I don't think quite has that. Or maybe I am not giving him credit where credit is due?

Maybe I think too much..... maybe I should just loosen up, huh?

And I still know what a Vauxhall Vectra is..... must stop thinking car/eurotunnel related thoughts!!

I was awoke from a very, very nice dream by a mad flower lady today. She knocked loudly on our door at 9am and proceeded to say things my tired, slightly annoyed mind couldn't understand. I said "No Thanks" in the hope that actually answered anything and shut the door in her face. I wouldn't normally do that I have gotten used to chatting with odd people. Just I was tired.... and she had ruined a really "interesting" dream involving me, eighties Arnie and Dolph Lungdren. :o)

My day off today... woohoo.... and I shall be mostly attempting to rest, relax and have a nice day. Nobody is home so I think that might be possible. Just me, myself and my blog.

Ben asked me a question yesterday while we were in Tesco's and I was staring at a cute bloke... "Are you looking for anyone right now?" I was a couple of weeks ago but I thought about it and said "No". Seems I am back to being happy being single..... not looking for a relationship, maybe sex but no relationship.

Monday, August 12, 2002

I did a mammoth 10 hour shift today. It wasn't as bad as I thought so I have opted to do overtime next week as well. A little extra mullah goes a long way.

Ben leaves on the 16th September. It was rather sobering to think about. I like Ben as a friend. He may be incredibly normal, living a life that is blessed, but still that doesn't make him a bad person does it? :o) When he said that he asked me how long I would be staying I told him I was going permanent until my debts were cleared. He looked at me with a touch of sadness and said "If you ever feel like moving to London, call me. I can get you a job, okay?" Ben you see may only be a couple of months older than me but he is incredibly well connected (he put Becky in contact with some friends of his boyfriend who are Guardian reporters to help with her Media course!) and it was nice of him to seriously offer. Then to lighten the mood "Yeah I think you'd fetch about £2.50 on the street" *sly smile* "Maybe a fiver if the client was desperate..." Grrr.... :o)

Sometimes I wish I could be like that. Normal height. Normal life. A nice boyfriend. I know I would never be happy that way, I just hate peace, but it is a nice comforting thought that maybe in my next life that might happen. But hey I should be proud to be freakishly tall and have a rather interesting life (see Pete's blog review for a brilliant description of what I have been up to!!).

Anyway I need to go watch Six Feet Under. Please read True Porn Clerk Stories.... it is my fav blog of the moment.

I live most of my life in a fantasy dream world of my own creation. I do not see these fantasies and dreams becoming reality in this country. And I don't feel that this country has anything left to offer me. Many of the people (and Constatnt Reader I don't mean you!!) are unfriendly, nasty and boring. Sure there will be people like that everywhere, but this country is so small that we have a higher concentration of them. And I am so very bored. So here is the plan. After my debts are paid and I have saved enough money I am going to move away. I have a large savings account that will help me.

Where shall I go? I have the right of domain in Europe, and also thanks to very close family links in Canada as well. I am a road movie freak and a loner, drifter esqe person, and I think whatever happens I am going to draw on that for inspiration.

Sunday, August 11, 2002

"Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone
I hear you call my name
And it feels like home"
Madonna "Like A Prayer"

*screams*

Each May half term until Melly died, I used to go stay with Big Dad (my maternal grandfather) and my uncle Derek in their derelict house in Suffolk. It was like my holiday away from all my stress' and psychosis'. Sitting in Derek's room, watching film after film, feeling safe and protected, or rummaging through some flea market, it was so nice. Derek (my idol, I kind of hero worship him) has moved away to uni in Manchester and Big Dad is as always the family pariah who I am banned from visiting. This means that I can no longer go do this.

I really need a break like that, filled with fun, peace, just relaxing, chilling. This week I am too poor to really do anything about my situation (I am an 1/8 of the way towards paying off my debts after less than two weeks!!!). Next week I will have enough money to pay off another installment to Pete (50 quid!!) and my rent and have enough (finally!) to do something random. As yet unplanned to asure some randomness!! And I am going to have fun.... and plenty of it. Anyone wanna come along for the ride. I am thinking London here.... or if someone with a car wants to come.... Paris (I get you across the channel for free!!)..... just a day of fun tho.... work is kind of important as I have debts to pay!!

LATER

Just wierded myself out by searching for my old newsgroup posts from 1998/9. Oh I feel awful now.... it is like looking through a window and seeing a stranger doing something really stupid and I wanna bang on the window and shout "Stop!! You will regret it!!"... but no matter how hard I try the stranger won't stop....

As you can probably tell my newsgroup messages were "slightly" more important than normal random ones.... mine lead to events I still don't speak about.. maybe I should but I don't and seeing them made me... scared? Petrified? These words don't really cover it *readers look confuzzled (my new favorite word)* Trust me this is not something you would understand and I don't want you too... please remember this is my journal and not everything I write needs an explanation.

Going to go to bed now, cover my face with a pillow, and hope..... note to self DO NOT LOOK INTO YOUR PAST AGAIN!!!!

Oh John how naive you are... this blog is for me to tell people all the things they don't wanna hear!! :o)

Thanks to Pete and the rest of my Hardc0re Readers for reveiwing my blog so nicely..... cheers me dears....

So I went to the Leas Club last night it was Seans birthday. It was "pleasant" accept for being told off by Sophie for some contravention of group political lines I was previously unaware of. Not that I am actually going to stop breaking group rules, as they are just silly.

Ben didn't go to Brighton yesterday his boyfriend let him down. Ben described sexy, gay Toby as the new Most Boring Man In The World..... and voted me scariest...... just because I am really tall and am rather wierd, he considers me scary.... oh well he said it adds character.... hhhhmmmm....

Working a 50 hour week this week... woo and a hoo..... you can tell I am really excited *waves arms in air sarcastically*

Big hugs to everyone who reads this today... I love you my Sunday readers... you rawk (as there are like two people who visit here on a Sunday!!)

Right I am off to cook myself a great big Lasagna because I.... can.....

Saturday, August 10, 2002

OK guess who I saw in Safeways yesterday.... yes I did see Zoe, but she works there..... no not Lily Savage.... oh come on it is easy....... MT of course..... ok don't say "Who?"...... the most gorgeous man in all of the God's great creation.... yes him, the one I stalk....

Oh he makes me so horny. I have no emotional attachment. It is purely a sexual attraction. Oh my God's is he hot!! He makes me go weak at the knees, among other things.. :o)

I went out to Wetherspoons last night. It was fun. John and Elliot stayed the night. AOL still annoying me and crashng regularly. Oh well.

I have been placed on Priority One on the Internet Enquiries Line at work.... which means I have to deal with a whole new.... genepool of stupid people. Joy....

Friday, August 09, 2002

The mystery of the reunion solved then... with a lot of help from Zoe and Emmsy.... seems to be a quite clever advertising concept... for just £5 you have excess to literally millions of people all seeking their old mates.... just email them all claiming a reunion and you are quids in.

Work was dull... on my own again... but Ben was in on a late shift so he came and sat with me for a long time chatting and stuff. I was going to Brighton Pride tomorrow but Tracey my boss pleaded with me to work, so I am. But Ben says to me today, "Oh by the way I nicked your idea I am off down to Brighton tomorrow". Grrrr..... :o) Oh I am not angry, much....

He also asked me if I had seen Toby giving strange looks to him. Neither of us have ever talked to him although we "hang" in the same groups. I had, Toby had given me odd looks all morning. We think he just realised he is not the only gay man in the call centre. In fact there are enough of us plus lesbians to form a rather respectable GLBT association!!

Have got to have dinner, will catch up with you all later tonight..... early shift tomorrow :o( and Sunday :o(

JASON, GET URSELF DOWN TO THE MERMAID CAFE BAR ON
FRIDAY THE 16TH AUGUST (FOLKESTONE).

WE ARE ALL HAVING A REUNION FOR THE BOYS.

ITS STARTS AT 8PM AND GOES ON TILL 12:30AM.

SEE YOU THERE MATE!

Did any of you Harvey bods out there recieve anything like this? The Mermaid bar is that little secluded one in between the beach and the Leas..... wierd, why am I invited??

I went to Zoe's house last night with Chris, we had no money so Zoe made us a Spag Bog. Lovely. We watched the first Austin Powers film, and also watched in amazement as Dave (her brother) ate his 6th and 7th bowls of coco pops that day. Jody (Zoe's sister) asked me like ten thousand questions... "Where do you live?" "Have any pets?" "What are their names?"....

My AOL is playing up and keeps getting "stuck". Annoying as it keeps ruining AIM conversations I am having...

And thanks to Greg and Karen.... lying through your teeth really may persuade more people here... :o)

Thursday, August 08, 2002

Just been to town.....

Would like to meet (see post below) may have been wrong in some things but in others it was quite right.

It showed Tracey showing Richard how to cruise (not for sex just flirty cruising...). I asked myself when I last did that. Do you know it was the last day I saw Melly alive and I spent that day going around Brighton and catching a guys eyes ("hold for 3 seconds, then break then turn to follow them as they walk away, they will turn to you, you both smile....") and having a nice time, and then I made mum buy some really..um... interesting things... a woven silver handbag/basket any one? :o)

So today I took Traceys advice and bounded into town with confidence and cruised two blokes!! I had such a nice time... just going to the bank.... and I smiled in public for like the first time in ages.... it was so nice and made me remember... Folkestone isn't that bad a place to live.... and then I wandered home nd people said good morning to me.. can't remember such a pleasant day.

And I found like 2 more gay guys living in Folkestone who I have never met before!! That like increases the population to 8 (exaggeration!! There is at least 9 :o) )

Oh and give me your thoughts on my new design. I am not sure about it. Anyone having trouble viewing it?

You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
When the road looks rough ahead
And you're miles and miles
From your nice warm bed
You just remember what your old pal said
Boy, you've got a friend in me
Yeah, you've got a friend in me

You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
If you've got troubles, I've got 'em too
There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you
We stick together and can see it through
Cause you've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me

Some other folks might be
A little bit smarter than I am
Bigger and stronger too
Maybe
But none of them will ever love you
The way I do, it's me and you
Boy, and as the years go by
Our friendship will never die
You're gonna see it's our destiny
You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me

Where as usually I laugh myself silly at the antics of hetros who are having trouble dating..... yesterday I felt bad for him..... and the advice he was being given made me feel bad.... "you need to look more gay"... "if you ever want a boyfriend you need to act more gay"...... Why? Do gay men only fall in love with camp, stylish and beautiful men (not that there is anything wrong with that!!)? Gay men come in all styles, ages, looks, etc. It seemed to me to be so homophobic, boxing people in. Grrr....

Right I have got to go get dressed and head for the bank to give in a standing order.... yes I know my life is just too exciting....

Look here!!! It is my blog as it originally was!!! 12 months ago.... when no one read it.... no change there then!!

Last nights BBQ at Zoe's started off really nice, there was twister and dizzy sticks and our group scared everyone else there with our sense of fun (we do this all the time...). Although Jody and her boyfriend seemed to go out of their way to sit near us.... the fools!! But by the end Zoe got in a mood with Chris then had a go at me for "not paying". May I add I had paid £5 instead of the "couple of quid" I was asked for. I don't like being "told off" at the best of times especially when I have done little wrong. But instead of arguing I walked home.

Today no one I liked was at work. They are all off or on holiday. :o( Oh well made some new friends to compensate :o) Hopefully Ben will be in on Friday as I haven't seen him in ages. And I miss having good conversations with him about which guys are hot etc.

Jenny asked if I wanted a permanent job, so I said yes. I got really good scores on my latest call assessment. Woohoo!!

Tony's parental settings (ha!! He beith not my father!) have banned me from Emmsy's site!! Am not a happy chappy!!

But to try to make up for that lose (as if I could!! Emmsy rawks) I found this site which is really well designed and the writings none too shabby either.. go see.....

Tuesday, August 06, 2002

Saw Six Feet Under last night which was as good as ever. Spent day writing in my room, reading my old journals around the time I was madly in love with Stephen, and being mauled by Scooby who is just too vicious for words. :o)

Lot's of music today. Mainly listening to "Blue is the colour" by The Beautiful South and the song "Get A Grip" by Semisonic (which is and always will be lush).

I feel so isolated here in this town/country/world. Like there is no one here who can quite understand where I am coming from. My dreams, my ideals, are so far removed from society's. Society seems to always have a bee in its bonnet. To always be facing yet another moral crisis. To always need to know what goes on behind others closed doors.

I, on the other hand, just want a simple life. To leave peacefully, with people I care about, harming no one, and letting others live their lives how they feel fit.

I used to care about politics. But now I wonder, why? Why do I need to care, for it is I, not some distant out of touch politician or journalist, who is in charge of my destiny and my future. The police, the moral majority, and the government are not things I worry about anymore. The whole idea of society, of a civilisation or state, seems right now to be very bizarre. I never gave anyone else authority over what I do, with whom, when or where. And now I don't recognise their imposed authority over me. Who are they to tell me what to do? Who are you to tell how to be?

As the Wiccan Rede says. "And ye harm none, do what thou will". And I shall.

Oh Millie is just so cute... she is such a part of this family... and she is eight years old today...

It is hard for me to remember a time without her. I mean we got Millie before I started at the Harvey. She has lived in 4 different houses with us, had six really cute kittens, and still acts like a one herself.

I love my Millie cat. Sure Angel and Scooby are great but they are far too clingy. Millie is so independent. She acts like she owns us, ensuring she recieves anything she wants. She even knows when it is Christmas and will refuse to eat anything bar Salmon (she is a lady of luxury) around that time. I love that. She is the Joan Collins of the cat world.

1. Ever considered just deleting your Blog and not doing it anymore? What prompted that and what stopped you?Yeah. Usually when I feel like I have to edit stuff as some of my friends read this and I can't really be as truthful as i want. But what stopped me is I am addicted to this. It is just something I have to do!!

2. How about a quick review of the last movie you saw?I last saw Goldmember. In breif. It rocked, go see.

3. What's your favorite gadget? Are you lusting for any new ones? Will you ever be satisified???Gadgets... I like gadgets but I can't really say I have a fav or want one even...

4. Saturday night I played "UNO" for the first time in years, I mean it has been over 10 years since I played it. It was great fun, but it really made me want to learn how to play Backgammon again. What "table game" do you enjoy playing most with other people? Have you played it lately?Something fun? On a table? I can't think what I like to do that is in fun and can be done on a table... can you? ;o)

5. About a year ago I was obsessed with loosing weight, and I dropped pretty low before I got a handle on things (I've actually gained about 8 pounds of it back, and it is still a struggle sometimes to not try to loose it). Thankfully, I like fattening sweets and buttery popcorn too much to live like that for too long. Have you ever been obsessed with something so much that it was close to causing you physical or mental harm? If not, have you known anyone else who has?The Sixth Former I obsess over him way way too much. And Star Trek. And Doctor Who. And Steps. And blogs. And.... hhmmm I think I may have a problem with obsessions....

6. Did you grow up in a family or community that displayed racist or prejudice attitudes? Did it influence you in any way, either toward or away from those views? How did you manage to avoid it, or did you?After recent events do i even need to answer about prejudice? As for racism,most of this country is racist, although I am not, as it would be rather hypocritical of me to judge when I myself am judged.

7. Good grief, I am starving! You got anything to eat around here?A nice big roast dinner....not for long though.. bye...

Sunday, August 04, 2002

My site is a year old on the 23rd of this month. So what has it achieved? It has been linked to by some of the coolest people in the world, and by people who's blogs I am not worthy to read.

*looks over at Dustys site and says woo!!*

It has lost me a few friends.... we all remember the Anna incident.... her comments are still out there in cyberspace and one day I will track them down... And helped me make a few too.

It has helped to log some important incidents in my life.. like my trip to Europe or my time at university.

It has forced me to write my thoughts slightly more clearly than I was used to in my journal (which remains unfathomable to anyone but me!!).

It has allowed me to be more open with myself, my friends and complete strangers about who I am and what I feel.

But most importantly it has allowed me some form of escape when life gets me down. It takes just one comment or one guestmap notify to cheer me up. So please even if you are just passing by, or have travelled here via Google (looking for dirty pics of Dermot O'Leary or naked dover wicca pics no doubt!) leave a hello message.

Now I know this blog has "inspired" other blogs. Not in an intellectual way but it has lead some of my friends to write their own. Now if you could be so kind as to register you blog here:

And then put me as a parent you would make me the happiest Jae in the world!! Go on.... please...

And can anyone help me find my blog parents ::sobs:: Honestly I can't remember reading anyone elses blogs before Mister Alan found mine in March. I was inspired to start this one by an article in the Guardians Online section. Should I put those blogs that have most influenced mine?

I started the day bright and early with a chat with Greg, a very long chat in fact. I watched Alien. AIM'd with a Folkestone bod (and occasional reader) called Tone, hi there Tone!!

I went shopping for Tony's birthday present, which is a Dido CD. Managed to scare a couple of blokes who I was walking behind. They started talking about my height quietly, so when they turned round just to confirm I am really tall, I looked at their arses, smiled and gave them the best come-on look of my life. Not that I would of touched them with a barge pole. But good God did their pace pick up and they certainly stopped talking about my height!!

Aaaaahhhh Beth just arrived home.... stressorama!!

Scooby cat caught a frog today leading to a disruption in watching an interview (on the Heaven and Earth Show) with Sharon Gless (despite not watching QAF US, as the UK version is better, I still think she rawks!!). I of course rescued the frog, my favorite kind of animal, haven't seen one in so long. Scooby looked far too pleased with himself, he hunts way too often. Millie and Angel are quite content to laze around all day. Scooby wants something more....

Now using my post below I want you to tell me your pagan name and which Six Feet Under character you are... go on just do it!!

I would normally go into detail about my night out last, how drunk I got, my day at work, the massive argument here at home etc. But I can't be bothered (except to say really hot 6'8" bloke at Bar Vasa turns out to be a friend of Becky's [she was there] oh and Mat was arrested..)

Instead I shall tell you....

Where the fuck did my privacy go? In 1999 I could be assured at least 3 days every two weeks in which I would have the house completelty to my self (that is all day and all night) now I am lucky to get a few treasured moments in my room. I could do pretty much as I pleased, have as many men round as I wanted, go look at porn or surf the net or watch terminator at 4am, I loved that.

I love my freedom. People at work asked how I could go to Rome all by myself... because I like it that way...

When I am not in love I like nothing better than to be alone.

That is really the most fundamental thing about me, I am a loner, bar the odd shag and boyfriend...

So Mum has taken her day off today, to coincide with mine. Tony may well be off too. Joy of joys. Thus instead of having nice relaxing day, no hassle, trying to cheer myself up, I am going to be stressed out. I feel physically ill at the prospect. I think I might just go back to bed.

These people, who call themselves my family, restrict what I can look at on the net (i.e. my old fav blogs all of which I haven't read in months), ban me from my own AOL account, snoop in my room when I am not there, read this blog even though I asked them to stop, and hide any evidence I am gay.

Well I have had it up to here *hand is held above his head* with it. They say they have banned me from my fav sites to "protect the twins". Well newsflash I didn't look at porn. Tony does. In fact I found a thing in the My Documents folder which was a cartoon of a man "mowing" a "pussy" entitled "The Best Job In The World". Where the twins could easily see it!!!! The worst Tony ever found was a pic of two fully dressed men kissing. (That was from Closet Boys site a site I can no longer view)

And if I wanted to look at porn, they have no right to stop me. I am 19. I have my own AOL account (JKay8838) which they won't let me use. And then they wonder why I a) run away, b) attempt suicide and c) cut myself (well I used to).

I hate them and I hate all my family. I have had enough of them. My friends and Stephen like my mum. Well they can have her if they want. I am a human being, I have rights. And soon enough my "family" (what a f***ing joke) [I apologise for yesterdays swearing] will know that I am about to go completely apesh*t.

*A Little Later*

Blogger is not loading up this post. :o( This day just gets better and better, does it not?

So reading the Herald today and an 18 year old from Capel, who was a loner, had few friends, had known he was gay since 1998 and who's only joy was attending church was jailed for gay rape (on a 15 year old) this week. I feel like if only there had been a friend for him he probably would never have done such an awful thing. I know there are so many lonely gay men in this town and district (of which Capel is a part). I can only imagine what would have happened to me if my friends hadn't been so great. So many people who need to know that what they are is not wrong, so many people who need a friend.

In other more upbeat news Lee and Tim of Skuba "fame" are opening up a "spiritualist church" at the Portland Hotel (which in their so kind words is "not for backpackers"). This is why I don't like Skuba. It is shallow. It isn't for all people. It is aimed at cool people. Note to Lee and Tim... Folkestone gay population can hardly be called cool. Most of them are "straight" (if you know what I mean) and spend their time cruising. They don't want a prissy bar for freaky "beautiful people" where they can sip cocktails and chat about style. They want a drinking hole where they can down a few beers, chat about the footie and then pick up a shag. Understand?

Yes people I spent all day alternately eying up Mat and Toby (one of the the newer temps who is gay and very, very hot). I couldn't help it. Had lunch with Ben, Becky (she is back!!), Ross and Toby. Ben stressed out today as he made a big error and now he is waiting for i to get back to him.... he is very nervous...

Watched a thing on the news today about an increase in rat numbers in the UK. Low and behold on the way bck from work a great big brown rat waddled out in front of me, and ran off into the bushes. Creepy!!

Jesus Christ I think I am poorly! :o( Pete if this turns out to be glandular fever you and Claire are SO dead. Coughing a lot and have a sore throat.

I went out last night to Gee's with Pete, Matt, Zoe, Sophie and Laura. I almost had a good time but as I am so horny right now, my mind kept drifting off and I believe my normal innuendo became even worse. I have decided not to check this blog to find out when I last had sex. I suspect it was a while ago don't you?