Monthly Archives: April 2010

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So there’s a guy Sisyphus, rightHe’s this kingreally rich and powerfulbasically because he is the number one assholein the whole damn worldlike he will invite people over to his houseand then instead of providing them with delicious steakshe murders themhe also does shit like seduce his nieceeven though he is totally rich enough to buy every kind of whorewhat is up with thatat that point you are just being a dick for the sake of being a dickso anyway it is this kind of behaviorthat earns him a pretty bad reputation in some circleslike for example with Zeuswho one days gets fed up with this tomfooleryand sends Thanatoswho is the personification of deathto drag Sisyphus’s ass down to tartaruswhich is like …it’s like worse than hades i thinklike double-hell?anyway Thanatos goes and gets sisyphusand he is going to chain him up in tartarus foreverwhen sisyphus goes hold on mani don’t get how these chains workcan you show meby demonstrating ON YOURSELFand thanatoswho is also the personification of retardgoes okand chains himself upand then is like hey ok that’s how they work unlock them nowbut sisyphus does not respondbecause he is already back up on earth with booze and whoresor booze and his nieceanyway thanatos stays chained up for a bitwhich means that no one can dieso sisyphus is able to pass off his asseryas some kind of humanitarian bullshituntil ares interferesbecause seeares gets sick of not being able to kill dudes in combatlike suddenly war is no fun anymorebecause he is chopping off dudes’ headsbut they are all putting them back onand walking aroundand drinking and celebrating the factthat they get to continue livingreally it sounds to me like valhallawhich just goes to showares would have made a shitty vikingbut yeah he gets bored of not being able to murder peoplethis is real. this is part of the myththis is not like when i make up bullshit about zeus getting his dick wetthis is actually a true historical fact about ares god of warhe is a huge assholecanonicallyso what he doesis he goes down to double-helland he lets thanatos goand makes him promise to start making people die againand so of course pretty much the first thing thanatos doesis he goes after sisyphusbut sisyphus is ready for himcause he probably figured this would happen eventuallyso right before he dieshe goes to his wife and says hey honey supand his wife goes supand he goes you know what you should do for mebecause i’m your husband and you have to do what i sayand his wife says whatand sisyphus says you should throw my naked lifeless corpseinto the town squarethat is what i want you to doand his wife says kso sisyphus dies againand gets dragged down to hadesand meanwhile his wife goes corpsechucking in the middle of townand sisyphus gets really pissed off all of a suddenbecause really he was TESTING his wife all alongto see if she loved him enough to disobey himand bury him properlyso he flips outand he begs persephone(who always seems to be down in hellduring the storiesi feel like she is sneaking down to hell for quickiesalthough it does not seem to methat hades would be very good in bedbut on the other hand he is zeus’s brotherso there you go)he begs persephone to let him go back up to earthto scold his wife for being such a bitchand persephone feels sorry for himand says kBIGFUCKINGMISTAKEi mean he goes up to earth and he scolds the shit out of his wifethat much he doesbut then immediately he goes HAHA I FOOLED YOU FUCK YOUand just goes right the fuck on livinglike a dickof course forgetting the factthat he has already been killed TWICEa fact that is reaffirmedwhen hermes shows upand just grabs sisyphusand drags him back to hadesFOR THE THIRD TIMEhe probably tried to convince them to let him go back up againby saying likelook ill pay youor look over there an orgyor look ill let you sleep with my whoresor at least my niecebut the gods are having none of itnot even persephonenot sure if she’s even here at this pointbut noinstead of letting sisyphus livethey let him push a boulder up a hillforeverand every time he gets it to the topit falls back down to the bottomand he has to start all over againalthough i’m not sure WHY he keeps doing itno one actually MAKES him do itthey just give him this boulder and this hilland say go for itand he just keeps on truckin’i guess he feels bad or something?so basically what this story is telling usis that assholes live three times as long as you ever willunless you too are an assholein which case you will live the same amount of timebut when you die you will push a rock up a hill forever

so there is this chick, righther name is Thisbeand there is also this dudehis name is Pyramusthis chick and this dudethey live in the same housewell actually liketwo houseswith an adjoining walland their parentsfor whatever reasonare all like nooooo you guys cannot bang everand pyramus and thisbe of coursetake this as a challengeand they start this love affairthrough this one little crackin one wallin one roomof their two houses(shakespeare calls it a chink but i think that is racist)anyway after a whilepyramus gets tired of this shitbecause i mean this is essentially the ancient equivalentof phone sexwhich is the 90s equivalent of cyber sex anywayi wonder if they ever had telegraph sexthat would have been sick as hellbitches gettin all tittilated in their petticoatsbut yeahpyramus is literally getting cockblocked by this wallbecause the hole is apparently not big enough for his dickwhich is another reason small penises are a survival traitcause what happens nextis they arrange a place to meetlike to sneak out and meet up and do some serious banginso on the appointed night thisbe sneaks outand she is so excited she shows up earlyand then instead of pyramus showing upthere is a fucking LIONall like ROARRRRRRRRand thisbe is like HOLY FUCKING SHIT JESUSand she distracts the fierce lion by throwing her veil at itand then runs the fuck awayand the lion kind of wanders around and drinks some waterand then casually mauls the fuck out of the veiland gets blood all over it somehowi guess because it already had blood on its mouthand only THEN does pyramus show upbecause i guess he was not serious about getting his dick wetlike if it had been zeus instead of pyramushe would have arrived so on-time he arrived TWICEand then there would have been a threesomeANYWAY he shows up and the lion is kind of just hanging out therei guess this is the lion’s spotfucking retards setting up a romantic meeting in a goddamn lion’s denand pyramus sees the veil all mauled and bloodyand comes to the obvious conclusionand stabs himself to deathso then of coursethisbe’s lust for pyramus’s manpoleoverrides her fear of lionsand she comes backand the lion is gone now anywayi guess it got scared away by all the emo bullshitand all that is there is pyramus’ stabbed corpseand so thisbe comes to the obvious conclusionand stabs HERSELF to deathand there is this mulberry bush nearbyand their blood gets all over the fruitsand that is why they are red nowso every time you eat a mulberryif you ever do, because i sure fucking dontjust remember that you are eating retard blood

there is a dude named endymionand no one is really sure where his is or what he doesbecause some people say he was likea kingand some people say he herded sheepand some people say he was an astronomerand he is buried in two different placesso like shit is pretty vaguebut lets just assumefor the purpose of this storythat he was some kind of stargazingsheepherdinghunk of sexy mani say the last partbecause every nightwhen he would stare up at the stars and shitSelene the titan who moves the moon would look downand be like holy shit that is some tasty manmeat right therehey handsome whats your namebut endymion does not respondbecause he is not a CRAZY PERSON who hears VOICES COMING FROM THE MOONso selene goes over to zeusand is like hey zeus i need you to do me a favorand make this one guy immortal for meand zeus is like why should iand selene is prolly like i’ll touch your penisand zeus is like for how longand selene is like 20 secondsand zeus is like 30and selene is like 14and zeus is like SOLDso zeus is kind of a prick about it thoughand instead of just making endymion immortalhe puts him to sleepforeverin a cavebut actually this works out pretty well for selenebecause she is then free to daterape endymion endlesslyand in factshe daterapes him a total of 50 timesand has 50 of his kidsthus ends history’s only accountof an astronomer getting laid

but did you know that Zeus also fucks a lot of DUDES?!Yes indeedfor examplethere was this one dude named Ganymedenow Ganymedehe is not just any dudehe is the studliest man in the entire world basicallygreek myth has a lot of these kinds of guyslike Adonisand Narcissusand i hear Achilles was pretty hotto the point wherei think it just becomes a matter of personal preferenceor maybe they were setting it upfor some kind of highlander thingwhere there could be only onebut like with more man-on-man boning maybe?and like it never got written?or maybe it got written and then it got lostor like burnedanywayfor the purposes of this myth lets saythat Ganymede is the studliest stud ever to stud the studif you know what i meanand i am sure that you doso zeus is going down his checklist of sentient beings to bangand is like hmm this is oddGanymede sounds like a guy’s nameHOLY SHIT IT’S A GUYLOOK AT HIM LOOK AT HIS PECSI AM BOUT TO HIT THATLIKE A GODDAMN FREIGHT TRAINbut waitmy wife can’t know about thiseven though she already knows about likethe 9 billion other creatures i have put my dick ini gotta be stealthyso what does he dohe makes a bigass lighting storm over troywhere ganymede livesand then he turns into an eagleand goes screeching inand kidnaps this kidSUPER NINJAnot like hera is gonna be like oh wowlook at all that lightningcouldn’t possibly have anything to do with my husbandTHE GOD OF MOTHERFUCKING LIGHTINGso zeus takes the kid up to mt olympusand fucks him a bunchand then is like shit i wanna keep this kidbut i don’t want my wife to know what’s going oni knowI’ll give him a job so it looks like i just HIRED himinstead of kidnapping himand then putting my dick in his buttand also his mouthand maybe he did some of that stuff to me as wellthe myth is not clear on these pointsdefinitely they at least slipped each other the tongueno foolinso the job zeus comes up with for the kidis official CUP-BEARER for the gods of olympuswhich just means that he serves the boozeGanymede is really good at this jobcause all the gods think he is super hotand also he invents MEADand he is still banging zeusand every time he serves zeus his drinkshe kisses the edge of the cupright in front of Hera and everythinglike seriouslyzeus is not very good at hiding his affairsand so obviously hera gets pretty pissedand is like GRR GONNA MURDERand zeus is like nope can’t do thati already made him immortalsuck on thatand hera says make meand zeus says how about i just make Ganymede suck on that insteadand hera gets REALLY pissed off thenand is like well if i can’t kill Ganymedei guess I’ll just have to settle for killing EVERYONE HE HAS EVER LOVEDand she gets everyone really pissed off at Troy(not just for that reason though. it’s also because of that beauty contest and junk)and everyone attacks troyand burns it to the groundand meanwhile zeus is busy turning Ganymede into a constellationspecifically aquariasso the moral isif you are prettyyou will get kidnapped by an eagleand the eagle will sleep with you and you will become immortal

well you are ABOUT to hear of her
she was this chick
and her thing was to be incredibly good at weaving
she would just sit and weave all day
and everyone was like damn girl that is some fine-ass cloth you are weaving
and at first she was like
thank you for that lovely compliment
but later she was like
yeah i know
i’m totally the best weaver ever
BETTER
THAN
ANYBODY
and in a world without vengeful gods
that might have been the end of it
but this is ancient greece
where you cannot throw a fucking rockwithout murdering a sacred snake
and getting your dick cut off
so it turns out
than in addition to being the goddess of wisdom and war
Athena is also the goddess of weaving
which i think suggests
that her domain
is things that start with the letter W
except that poseidon is the god of water?
great job athena
anyway athena gets pissed off because Arache is so goddam full of herself
and so she disguises herself as an old woman
and goes down to earth and is like
sup arachne
and arachne is like sup
have you heard that I am the greatest weaver even greater than Athena
and Athena says no bitch tell me more
and Arachne says well that’s basically it
i am the shit and that is not a lie
and Athena says i dunno i hear this athena is pretty great at weaving
and Arachne says oh yeah i could fucking take her
and then Athena morphs into Athena and is like BRING IT BIIIII
IIIIIII
IIIIIITCH
AND IT IS ON
THEY START WEAVING SO FUCKING HARD
THE CONTEST PROBABLY GOES ON FOR LIKE
8
WHOLE
DAYYYYS
they are straight up just weaving the fuck out of some tapestries
Athena is weaving a tapestry about how mortals should shut the fuck up
and show some respect
and Arachne is making a tapestry about the gods
basically being dicks
and fucking around
so essentially
they are having a rap battle
with STRING
and they finish weaving
and Athena is like alright bitch show me what you made
and she sees it and it is IMMACULATE
straight up
she cannot find a single flaw in this shit
so she FREAKS THE FUCK OUT
and is like okay if you’re so good at weaving weave up your FACE
and then she cuts Arachne’s FACE
and then breaks her loom and probably the chair she sat on too
and is like KNEEL BITCH
and arachne is all I will not kneel
and athena is all KNEEL BITCH
and arachne is like you know what
how about i hang myself how about that
and Athena says fine
and Arachne says fine
and she hangs herself
but then Athena gets all butthurt about it
and kind of feels bad
and so she goes over
and sprinkles her with the juice of this plant
called aconite
but also called blue rocket
which is way sweeter
and it makes arachne bald
and she shrinks
and her neck won’t fit in the noose anymore
and the noose becomes a web
and arachne turns into a spider
and athena looks at her
and she says
can’t even kill yourself right can you bitch

This dude has all the hookupsSeriously his mom is a musespecifically the muse of singingand when he is like five or somethingApollo shows up like WHAT UPI AM HERE TO BANG ONE OF UR MOMS SISTERSHEY DO YOU WANT A LYREby the way a lyre is some kind of instrumentlike a fucking ultraharp or somethingbasically how it worksis if apollo gives you one you have a future in the music industryso naturally at some point Orpheus just goes down to earthand starts melting face with his amazing musicseriously this shit is fantasticlike so fantasticthat when Jason is getting some argonauts together(argonauts are dudes who go around on a boat called the Argo)to do some ridiculous adventuringhe is likeI know we are all seriously bad dudes on this shiplike with muscles and stuffbut you know what we need?we need a dude with a lyreand they get orpheusand thenwhen they go past the sirenswho sing such sexy music that any dude who hears itis like OH SHIT GOTTA GO DROWN MYSELF TRYING TO HIT THAT NOWOrpheus hears that shit and goes aw hell noand whips out his lyreand solos SO HARDthat nobody can hear the sirensand anyway nobody caresbecause Orpheus is way fucking better than those skanksso yeah that’s the kind of guy he isand obviously a dude like this is pulling down tail like he is trying on costumes at the godzilla costume warehouse or somethingbut his favorite chickfor some reasonis this skirt named Eurydicei don’t know that much about herbut probably she was pretty hotbecause i mean Orpheus was essentially the ultimate rockstarwith likeadditional rockstars taped to each of his fingershe had his pick of the crop is what i’m sayingbut she was not too brighti know this because one daywhen she and Orpheus were walkingon a mountain or somethingshe stepped on a whole fuckton of snakesand the snakes killed herthis is what happens when you step on snakesbut Orpheus ain’t havin’ none of itso he just sits downand composes the ultimate emo symphonywhich is so incredibly drenched in secret painand angst and nihilismthat all the gods are like fuck manwhat are we going to do about thisand finally zeus comes downand is like hey manwhy is it that you demigodsare always doing thingswhich prevent me from laying down serious dickreally dude i cannot get these chicks in the moodwith you down here being a pussyplay some barry manilowe or something jesusand Orpheus says no man i am just too bummedand Zeus says okay crybabywhy don’t you just go down to hades and get your skank backand Orpheus says i think i willso he doesand he just charms the pants off of Hades so hardwith his lyre and his singingoh and also persephonehe charms her pants off toowere women allowed to wear pants back then?anywayyeah persephone is down therewhich i guess means its winterwhich i guess means zeus couldn’t be getting any poontang anywayunless he came up with a brilliant scheme for getting laid in winterwhich, knowing zeus, is not very difficult to believeANYWAYeverybody’s pants are just charmed WAYYYY offand hades saysok christ mani will give you your woman backbut only if you pass a ludicrous and arbitrary testwhich i am going to specify for youbasically your chick’s ghost will follow youall the way out of hadesbut you can’t look at heruntil you’re both in the real worldor you never get her backmake sense?and Orpheus says not reallyand Hades says tough tits that’s how it’s gonna beso Orpheus kind of has to go alongand he starts walkingand on the way out he sees a bunch of demonsand he’s like hey demonsand they’re like hey orpheus supand he says oh just leading my chick out of helland they say your chick? what chickand orpheus says the one right behind me smartassand they say ohTHAT chickand then they kind of chuckle a little bitand this is making orpheus nervouslike real nervousand he really wants to lookbut he knows he can’t lookbut then the VERY MOMENTthat he steps out of hadeshe turns around to see if she’s really thereand SHE ISbut SHE IS STILL IN HELLso Orpheus fails the testand Eurydice disappears foreverand he’s back to square onehe is SO UPSET BY THISthat he vows to only fuck underaged boys for the rest of his lifeand he goes and sits on a hilland just plays emo shit all dayso one dayall of these followers of Bacchus show upand are like hey dude we’re having a party right here right nowyou still chill with Bacchus?and Orpheus is like fuck no i only worship THE SUNand they are like dude are you sure about thatwe are a bunch of hot chicks and we are about to have an orgyand only people who are down with Bacchus are invited to the orgyand Orpheus says fuck no i only have sex with people’s SONSand the chicks are all like well okand then they tear off his skin and rape his corpseand rip his head offand chuck it into a riveralong with his lyrewhich he is inexplicably still able to playand he just floats off down the rivermaking awesome musicforeverthe moral of the story isunless you can play your instrument with your head ripped offand your arms and skin missingyou are not a real musician

but i am going to switch it up right now and talk about some mayan dudes insteadfor examplethere is this one mayan dudehe has like fifty goddamn namesLike Hurucanand GugumatzAnd Heart-of-Skyand im not even really sure if he is one person or two peoplebecause they keep acting like he is two peoplebut the two people never do anything independentlyso they’re basically just one personor like some kind of hive-mindanyway we’re going to call this thing QuetzalcoatlQuetzalcoatl is bored because all there is anywhere is just a whole bunch of waterand some skyand it’s not even interesting sky because there is no lightso Quetzalcoatl is like okay boomand there is some lightand then he goes boom againand there is some landbut this is still pretty lame because what is the pointof being able to do this kind of shitif there is no one around to get freaked out by how cool it isso he has this great ideaand he makes some forestsand then he just makes up a bunch of animalslike jaguars and shita whole bunch of shit but mostly jaguarsand then he’s likeWHOA JAGUARS LOOK I JUST FUCKING MADE YOULIKE AS IF BY MAGIC OR SOMETHINGPRETTY NEAT HUHAnd the jaguars are all rarrrr we are jaguarswe can’t talk or be impressedso Quetzalcoatl is like aww fuck you guysI’m gonna make some way more awesome creaturesand they are going to worship meand you are going to be their SLAVESso he gets some dirtand he makes dirt-peoplebut the dirt-people really suckbecause first of allthey are made out of dirtsecond of all they only speak gibberishand also they dissolve in waterso basically they are pretty lameand Quetzalcoatl figures that even if they COULD worship himhe would get pretty embarassedso he kills all of themby dumping water on themand then he calls these 2 other dudesXpiacoc and Xmucanewho have names that sound like antidepressantsand is like hey is it a good idea for me to make people out of wood?and they say yeah go for itso he makes people out of woodlike a whole bunch of wooden robots basicallyand they can speak and walk aroundand they don’t dissolve in waterbut they are tremendous assholesone might even say they had a STICK up their assesget it get itanywaythey totally forget to worship Quetzalcoatl at alland he’s getting pretty pissed at this pointbecause he has seriously made EVERYTHING THAT EXISTSand no one is giving him ANY CREDITso he kind of freaks the fuck out a littleand rains fireand rainand burns everything to cindersand then makes all of the wood-people’s cookware come alive and kill themand all the animals move into their houses and eat themeven though they are made of wood and totally not tastyand meanwhile Quetzalcoatl makes a bunch of peopleout of tortillasand they live happily ever afterin fact everyone lives happily ever afterexcept the wood peoplewho get chased into the woods and turned into monkeysso the moral of the story isnever set fire to a monkeybecause it is made out of woodand you will start a forest fire

He is this guyActually not a guy but a titanbut anyway he is all hanging out up in olympuswith all the godsand they are having a partylike a sweet beach partywith a sweet beach bonfireonly not on the beach because the gods live on mount olympusbut like they are gods so i guess there could be a beach if they wantedlook that’s not important the important thing is there is a huge fireand prometheus goes over and looks down at earthand it is night, and also coldand all the humans are down there on earth eating raw meat and freezing to deathand prometheus is like mani bet this is a problem i could solve with fireso he steals some of that huge fire and sneaks down the mountain and is likehere humans this is firedont tell zeus cause i’m not supposed to be giving you thisand the humans are all SWEETLET’S SET EVERYTHING ON FIRE CONSTANTLYso the secret gets out pretty quickand Zeus goes WHAAAAAAAATIS THISHUMANS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MISERABLE ALL THE TIMEGUYS THIS IS THE POINTPROMETHEUS DID YOU DO THISand i guess prometheus just straight up says yes,cause then zeus gets pissed off and goesYOU KNOW WHAT IM GONNA DO IM GONNA PUNISH YOUWITH TRICKERYAnd then he goes and has Hephaestus (the gimp leg guy)make a clay sculpture of his whore of a wife (Aphrodite)and then BAM zeus turns it into a chicka HUMAN chickbecause yeah apparently earth was a sausagefest up til this pointanyway zeus gives her a box and is like YOU BETTER NOT OPEN THIS EVERand she is like uh huh okalso her name is pandoraand her box isn’t really a box it is really a jarbut box sounds way cooler than jarcause it has an X in itTHIS IS CALLED REVISIONIST HISTORY PEOPLEso zeus goes to Prometheus and says hey would you like a wifei made you a wifeand prometheus says OH NO YOU DONTi totally still remember yesterday when you said you were gonna punish me with trickeryno way am i fucking that bitchand zeus says alright suit yourselfand pandora marries some other dudeand then she gets curious and opens up her boxbecause seriously why the fuck would zeus give that to herand then EVERY BAD THING POSSIBLE comes out of the boxlike hate and disease and teabaggingand the dumb bitch is just sitting there like whuuuuuuuuuuuuuuntil finally she gets her shit together and goes OH FUCKand slams the box shutmanaging to trap ONE THING in the boxand that one thing is hopelessnesswhich means that we still have hopeeven though she fucked everything upand it also meansthat everything was destined to go to shit whether or not prometheus married Pandorawhich meansthat the real trick was not to get prometheus to marry pandorabut to psyche him into turning down a perfectly good piece of ass.Zeus: 1Prometheus: gets his liver eaten by vultures forever

So persephone is the daughter of this chick Demeterwho is the goddess of like fertility and crops and whatnotand she is also incredibly hotso hot, in factthat hades down in the underworld (which is also called hades actually)looks up one day and sees her and goes DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMNI gotta get me some of thatso he just pops on up to the world in his black chariot of ultimate wretchednessand he says hey little girl do you want to come to helland she probably would have said no only he kidnapped herbasically hades is the ultimate ladies’ manso then they’re kind of hanging out down in helland it’s always been pretty depressing in hellbut it’s actually a little bit better with persephone therebecause she’s not a little emo bitch like hades is all the time even though he has a WHOLE BADASS KINGDOM TO HIMSELFseriously why’s he always gotta be mopinganyway Persephone pulls some interior decorating and shit and whamhell is pretty okay all of a suddenbut all is not wellbecause meanwhile, Demeter up in the regular worldis fretting the shit out of herself over her missing daughterand it does not help at all when she finds out that she was kidnapped by the king of hellSo demeter gets real depressedand when demeter gets depressedall the plants dieand everthing freezesand being alive just kind of starts to suckbecause she is the goddess of crops and seasons and whatnotand up to this point no one has even heard of winterbut now they are getting nothing but winter nonstop and out of control24-7365except actually maybe only for several monthsbut either way shit is intolerableand Zeus gets fed up and goes and hits Demeter up and saysHAY BITCH WHATS WITH ALL THE WINTERand demeter says hmm i dunno maybe it’s because your brother is raping my daughter in hellAnd zeus says hm good pointso he goes down to the underworldand he says listen bro i hate to block your cock butlikeshit is completely intolerable up in the real worldand it is downright impossible for me to get any quality dick laid down at this ball-freezing temperatureAnd hades says aw man why you gotta be like thatand Zeus says im sorry but you’re less important than megive demeter her daughter backand don’t you dare try any funny businesssuch as for example feeding her any food whatsoever from the underworldbecause as you knowif she eats any of itshe will be forced to stay in hades with you foreverand hades says oh yeah that would be a tragedy none of us want thatand as soon as zeus is out the door hades turns aroundand is like sup persephoneand persephone says supand he says hey are you hungryand she says well now that you mention it i haven’t eaten or drank a single thing since you brought me down here months agohades is a shitty hostso hades goes well heythe only thing we have in the underworldis POMEGRANATES(which is yet another reason the underworld is awesome and hades should stop fucking crying about it)so he starts feeding her the pomegranate seeds one at a timeand he manages to stuff six into her mouthwhen her mom shows upand is like ok honey time to go homeand persephone says okand Hades says PRANK’D I FED HER SOME FOOD SHE HAS TO STAYand Demeter is like AW FUCK WHAT DO I DO ZEUSand zeus is extremely flustered because he has just probably been interrupted in the midst of a whole litany of vigorous boningand he says OK YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS JUST … JUST FUCKING COMPROMISELIKE I KNOW THERES A RULE ABOUT THE FOOD AND SHIT,AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY WE HAVE THAT RULE ACTUALLYBUT LIKEI AM SERIOUSLY FREEZING MY BALLS OFF UP HERESO HOW BOUTHADES GETS HER FOR 6 MONTHS AND DEMETER GETS HER FOR THE OTHER 6and demeter says sure fine but i’m going to freeze the shit out of everything for the six months my daughter is goneand zeus says fine i guess i’m just going to have to double up on the amount of banging i do during the summerand hades says i guess I’ll have to double up on the amount of banging i do during the winterand it works out in the endbecause both Zeus and Hades knowthat when either of them is getting laidhe does not have to even worry about thinking about his brother having any sexand just ruining the moodbecause they are never getting laid at the same time everthat’s how that works.

Well right he is the king of the gods, but he wasn’t always.For a while there was this guy Uranus who was a total assholehaha uranusanyway he was the king of the gods, born out of the sky or maybe it was the aetheri tend to forget this shitbut either way he was definitely married to GaiaWho some sources say also gave birth to himso … awkwardbut like I was sayingUranus boned Gaia a bunchBecause it was basically just him and Gaia alone in the universe and what else were they gonna doand they had a whole bunch of kidsbut the Uranus suddenly decides he hates all of the kidsand instead of likegiving them up for adoption or somethinghe just decides to try and stuff them all BACK INSIDE HIS WIFEAnd she is the entire earth you understand so this would be fine if they were likenormal childrenyou know like BABIES or somethingbut they are not babies they are TITANS.And so all these titans are writhing around in Gaia going nutsand Gaia gets seriously fed up with this shit and tells one of themwhose name is CronusHey cronus get your sissy-ass brothersand get the fuck out of my womb and murder your fatherand Cronus says ILL DO YOU ONE BETTER I’LL SAW OFF HIS BALLSand Gaia says THAT SOUNDS LIKE A FANTASTIC PLANHERE HAVE MY BALL-SAWING SCYTHESo one night Uranus is about to get busy with Gaia againlike i guess so he can father another baby and then stuff it back into herbut instead of getting sex he gets SURPRISE PENISECTOMY FROM HIS SONall jumping out from behind a rock like PRANKED GOT YOUR DICK DADand Uranus’ dick falls into the oceanand makes a whole ton of foamand that is where Aphrodite comes from eventuallyfrom dick-foamthat’s how classy SHE is.So then Cronus is king of the gods suddenlyThe gods being actually the other titansincluding some dudes called the CYCLOPES and the HECATONCHEIRESwho have one eye and a hundred hands respectivelywho Uranus had ESPECIALLY HATEDAnd part of the whole reason Cronus killed his dad was to free those dudesbut no sooner is he king then he goes PSYCHE and stuffs them right back into gaia’s cooch AGAINSo obviously this pisses off Gaiaand it makes Cronus out to be a huge dickeven though he presides over the golden age of manwhere dudes pop fully formed out of the earth and there is milk and honey everywhere and it is illegal to eat cowsBasically it comes to pass that an oracle tells cronus that his kid is gonna kill himJust like he killed his dadso he freaks the fuck out and is like SHIT I HAVE SO MANY KIDS I NEED TO CUT DOWNMAYBE I SHOULD STUFF THEM INTO MY WIFE-waaaaaait a secondi’m becoming my father.nobody wants that.So instead cronus comes up with the sensible alternative of personally devouring all his kidsso he just goes around stuffing them all in his mouthbut the fact that he is eating his kids apparently does nothing to stop him from banging his wife RheaBecause he is the king of the gods after allso she keeps having kidsand he keeps demanding to eat thembut after a while she catches on to his crafty prankand when she gives birth to Poseidonand Cronos is all WHERE THE KID AT IM HUNGRYshe’s like oh that’s weird i gave birth to a horse instead of a kid whoopsand Cronos had no reason to disbelieve her because hey if Aphrodite can come from dickfoam then why can’t Rhea pop out a horseSo he eats the horse instead of poseidonand then he gets Rhea preggers AGAINand this time she is pregnant with ZEUSand CRONOS is all HEY WIFE STILL HUNGRY YOU GOT ANY MORE CHILDREN I CAN EATand Rhea is crafty as fuck and just takes a bigass rockand dresses it up like a babyand then feeds it to Cronosbut he catches onto that prank pretty fastand starts running around probably just putting random parts of the world in his mouthuntil he finds the one that has his son in itso Rhea tells Zeusyou know what you should do is you should go free the CYCLOPES and the HECATONCHEIRESand go murder your dadand Zeus says I’ll do you one betterhow bout instead of killing himi make him vomit up all my siblingsand then i imprison him somewhereand Rhea says we can work with thatSo Zeus and those ugly one eyed dudes and the really ugly hundred-handed dudesall siege the shit out of cronosand then they stick their fingers down his throatand he barfs up all the gods and goddesses, or at least a lot of themand then Zeus is the king of the gods