We are a little over a year out from D-day. Things are pretty good. We have had some ups and downs but have managed to resolve most things.
My question is at what point in time do you quit asking for reassurance that an affair will not happen again? My WH has worked really hard to correct his issues that led to his bad decision making and has done all that I have asked for and needed to help me heal from the A. There are no "red flags" anywhere (except those that I imagine). I know that at some point every WS becomes irratated, even if they do not express it, with the questions and doubt.
I don't want to create problms where there are none.

With my (unfortunate) experience in this area, if they are truly remorseful and shoulder the blame as they should, they will not get irritated for a long time, they will be grateful you gave them/you another chance.

If, however, they are still in the A, or resentful that they had to end it, they will get irritated pretty quickly.

I have had to deal with both of these situations. The first time it was false R, he hadn't really ended the A, so when I found things that he had not admitted to be true, or things he had omitted, and asked him, he got upset. At one point he told me "I can only apologize so many times!" Really? That's not how I felt!. Or he would say, "I can't go back and change it." No, but you could act like you WISHED you could.

These days, only 6 months out, he is still fully engaged in convincing me this will never happen again and how truly very sorry is for what he did and how much he hurt me, which are two separate things.

[This message edited by PamJ at 10:49 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]

Me: BS 50+
Him: WH 60

3 EAs

2 grown sons, 1 grown step-son

Last DDay, March 19, 2013 after a few weeks of TT- trying to have a new marriage after almost 35 years.
No more chances.

Posts: 56 | Registered: Aug 2013

LosferWords♂ 30369Member # 30369

Posted: 2:14 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013

I can only speak for myself, but for me it was around the 15-18 month mark.

We got through the worst and most painful part of sorting things out during the first 12 months, and it took me at least another 3 months after that to start to feel assured that she would never cheat again.

On the other hand, part of that was also me giving up whatever semblance of control I thought I had. I can't stop her from doing what she's going to do if she's going to do it. If that happens, I will have reached my rate of tolerance and will move on.

Letting go of the outcome of the marriage was critical in me being able to assure myself that I'll be okay.

That's my own personal experience, anyway. Everyone has different circumstances and heals on a different timeline. Best of luck to you.

Because It's There - Michael Hedges

Posts: 15442 | Registered: Dec 2010

Deanna♀ 26854Member # 26854

Posted: 8:56 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013

At around two years he started threatening to separate if I couldn't move past the affair. It took a other six months for me to stop asking questions. I resented that he put a timeline on me but iit was the beginning of my true healing. I had asked all the questions for years and it was time to believe or leave.

<<At around two years he started threatening to separate if I couldn't move past the affair. It took a other six months for me to stop asking questions. I resented that he put a timeline on me but iit was the beginning of my true healing. I had asked all the questions for years and it was time to believe or leave.>>

I don't like the idea of deadlines either. I mean, as long as you are moving forward and enjoying the good times too, you should feel safe enough to express the times when you trigger on something or still have a little doubt without being threatened with the WS leaving or asking for separation.

One time, early on after discovery, my WH said something to the effect of "You will have to decide to trust or not trust me" I told him, that's not how it works, it's not a decision , it's the result of a process in which I check up on you, question you, watch you, and nothing new has happened, and, each time that occurs, a little more trust is earned by you, by YOU, not me.

[This message edited by PamJ at 11:44 AM, September 14th (Saturday)]

Me: BS 50+
Him: WH 60

3 EAs

2 grown sons, 1 grown step-son

Last DDay, March 19, 2013 after a few weeks of TT- trying to have a new marriage after almost 35 years.
No more chances.

Posts: 56 | Registered: Aug 2013

rachelc♀ 30314Member # 30314

Posted: 11:50 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013

Pamj - I have no idea what to think of your post. I have had comments like that from him, although not recently.
Does moving past it mean never asking questions or talking about it?

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Never be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.”

Posts: 7471 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest

PamJ♀ 40475Member # 40475

Posted: 1:02 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013

<<Pamj - I have no idea what to think of your post. I have had comments like that from him, although not recently.
Does moving past it mean never asking questions or talking about it? >>

I am confused that you do not know what to think of my post :), but no, moving past it to me means you are not dwelling on it all the time and you mostly trust your WS again to be doing what they say they are doing, but mostly seeing that their actions back it up. Questions are always, and always will be an option, should I feel the need. But, again, this will be defined by me, not my fWH.

Me: BS 50+
Him: WH 60

3 EAs

2 grown sons, 1 grown step-son

Last DDay, March 19, 2013 after a few weeks of TT- trying to have a new marriage after almost 35 years.
No more chances.

Posts: 56 | Registered: Aug 2013

struggling3♀ 34671Member # 34671

Posted: 1:35 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013

I don't like the idea of deadlines either. I mean, as long as you are moving forward and enjoying the good times too, you should feel safe enough to express the times when you trigger on something or still have a little doubt without being threatened with the WS leaving or asking for separation.

I agree wholeheartedly. I am enjoying the good times and we are making huge leaps forward in recovery. I do, however occasionally have a question or thought that I must voice. It eats at me if I don't and as I am the number one priority in my life, I need to address it. My H has actually gotten better at that part and is communicating much better now that we are past the intense hurt. I would have a problem if he would start putting a timeline on how I heal and he knows that and respects it. I have zero doubt that we will continue to make those leaps and continue to reap some benefit from this whole mess. Things are very good right now.