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} Baby Spice: Stunt double for Traci Lords in the next John Holmes} 'drama'}} Ginger Spice: Taken hostage by the Schweppes company and ground up into} a fine powder for a unique line of "Ginger Spice Ginger Ale"}} Posh Spice: "Like um... Do you want fries with that?"}} Scary Spice: Used to frighten small children into staying in school.} Must be the hair.}} Sporty Spice: Mistakenly believed her "Spice" name would imbue her} with magical athletic talent. Unfortunately, the only sport skills she} was blessed with was javelin catching. Swiss Cheese Spice anyone?}} You owe the Oracle a copy of the TV Guide listing stating precisely} when MTV will actually show a music video.

} This is a simple result of the laws of supply and demand. You see,} doctors and hospitals have skills that are greatly in demand, and} have no difficulty finding enough patients to keep up the payments on} their Porsches. If you're wondering why this may be, I suggest you} try reading the ingredients lists on a few examples of what passes} for 'food' in this society. In any case, why bother paying extra for} a class receptionist when you already have an unstoppable flow of} punters lining up half an hour before opening time?}} On the other hand, so called 'alternative therapists' have a larger} problem with patient, and therefore cash, flow, due to the minor} problem of their skills being utterly bogus and useless for anything.} Hence the necessity of staffing the reception desk with either a} buxom lovely, or a hunk to die for.}} In practice it works like this: Some poor soul blunders into the} 'alternative medicine' clinic thinking it is a bank or something.} They lay eyes on the gorgeous receptionist. Immediately they decide} that if that's what it takes to open a conversation, there's something} pretty drastically wrong with them that requires a long period of} treatment. The sucke^H^H^H^H^H patient then is sent through to the} 'therapist', who bounces crystals off a ping pong bat or whatever is} the current flavour of the month.}} 'alternative therapists' themselves have no problem with this status} quo. It is of course much easier to quote many examples of patients} who were completely healthy after a long, expensive, regime of colour} water pistol- cupuncture therapy if there was nothing wrong with them} in the first place.}} Therapists have taken a sort of inverse pride in the attractiveness of} their receptionists, which can be easily measured by the degradation} and pain of the 'treatment' they are prepared to endure, but still keep} coming back. A recent paper in the _Journal of Alternative Medicine} Studies That Willfully Ignore The Placebo Effect_ (which has limited} distribution due to it being printed only on hand-made, 'natural'} papyrus paper) for the first time analysed, and tabulated this effect.}} +--------------------+---------------------------------------------+} | Chest Size | Most Severe Treatment With Multiple Visits |} | Muscle/Body Ratio | |} +--------------------+---------------------------------------------+} | 34C 0.77 | Wild herb poultice with saffron tea |} +--------------------+---------------------------------------------+} | 36C 0.81 | Crystals held under eyelids for two weeks |} +--------------------+---------------------------------------------+} | 38D 0.84 | Bamboo Shoot Under The Fingernails-puncture |} +--------------------+---------------------------------------------+} | 40DD 0.99 | Repeated enemas with live leeches at |} | | Stonehenge during the summer solstice |} +--------------------+---------------------------------------------+}} You owe The Oracle two aspirin, to be delivered in the morning.

> Mighty Oracle, your wings are broader than the heavens, your scales> shimmer like as many starlit diamonds. May your breath always be hotter> than three thousand suns, may your horns never leave your head.>> I need your help. It's because... Well, let me explain my story.> The other day, I was, you know, chasing in the mountains, when I met> her. It was Princess Llewelyn, from the castle in the valley. She was> bathing in a little lake not far from the Drakenberg, and upon seeing> her, I instantly fell in love with her. Oh, by the Egg, she has long,> blond hair... And her eyes! A green so deep you could drown in them.> Despite my natural shyness, I didn't hesitate for long: I dived into> the lake and told her what my heart felt for her. I think she was> touched, because she fainted. I delicately carried her to the shore,> and then that knight guy on his horse suddenly appeared from I don't> know where and, guess what? He charged me, shouting, "Let her go, you> monster!" Ah, shards of shell, I should have guessed she wasn't alone.> Pretty girls are never alone. I didn't want to fight, you know -- those> knight guys are always carrying lots of pointy things -- and I thus> took flight. But I can't forget her, she haunts my dreams, I want to> see her, I'm mad about her. But they won't let me approach the castle;> they even shoot arrows at me upon sight.>> Dear Oracle, I need your help. What should I do?

} Black Letter Days, better known as the Typeface Times, or the Font} Festival, is an annual celebration held in Cupertino, California to} celebrate the invention of the PostScript printer language. Each day} of the weeklong festival has events, contests and games that revolve} around the world of scalable fonts.}} Here's the schedule for next year's festival:}} Monday}} Black Letter Days opens in grand style with the day devoted to a} everyone's favorite font, 12 point Courier! Celebrate by bringing} the kids to the Font Festival Fairway, where they can play impossible} games to win cheap prizes. That evening, come to our beer tent where} REO Speedwagon will entertain (Must be 21, or have fake ID).}} Tuesday}} Tuesday is 10 point Garamond day! Come meet local weatherman Joe} Snow and enjoy a frosty malted beverage with Rick Springfield in our} beer tent!}} Wednesday}} Hump Day is represented by 14 point Times Roman. The Akron Shakespeare} Festival will be putting on "Romeo and Juliet" in the park. The beer} tent hosts Quiet Riot, with special guests Dokken.}} Thursday}} This is 72 Point Day. Everyone who brings a 72 point print sample gets} into the beer tent free to see Dokken with special guest Quiet Riot.}} Friday}} TGIF! Only in this cause, TGIF stands for Thank God It's Fontday!} Celebrate the font 18 point Arial by coming out to the beer tent to} see Warrant!}} Saturday}} It's 9 point Bertram day! Our last concert of Black Letter days} brings out the Monsters of Rock, Twisted Sister, with special guests} Cinderella and Winger joining them in the beer tent!}} Sunday}} Ghostscript celebration, Kiddie Parade, Closing Ceremonies, and} Fireworks}} So you see, Gentle Supplicant, Black Letter Days are an excuse to} get plowed and watch hair bands. Oh, yeah, and to have fireworks.}} You owe the Oracle a "Monster Ballads" CD.

> o wise Oracle please help me with another real pressing situation> My husband and I are having problems. weve been married for 18> years I feel that he is dissappointed in myl parenting skills and> wifely duties. I always try to put everybody my family first, but he> says different. I feel that no matter what I do someone will be mad.> I feel like climbing in a hole or running away. But I know as soon> as I go there I would miss my sweetie. Everything is all messed up.> I don't know who I am or where I am going. I like doing metaphysics> in many different forms. It seems if only helps others but not me.> Please give me some dirrection.

} Well, despite what you may have been told becoming the senator from} New York is not going to make your life easier. Oh sure, you'd get} to have some interns of your own. And yeah you might get to hob-nob} with the Big Kids, but in the end your problem will still be there...} unless...well...I mean, sheesh, you've gotten all the miles out of} him I think you're going to get. Why not just do what other women} do when they get a lemon? Sic a divorce lawyer on the scumbag.}} You owe the Oracle Eleanor Roosevelt's autograph on a mirror.

} I am not a gender-specific oracle thank you very much! But to address} your question,}} 1976 Sir Clive codes BASIC smaller and tighter, and the Altair platform} becomes the widely accepted standard for small computers.}} 1977 The Altair captures 60 percent of the exploding computer market,} but Ed Roberts is enraged that other manufacturers are making} peripherals, and destroys the company's facility with a homemade} surface-to-surface missile based on the MOS 6502 chip.}} Sir Clive licenses BASIC to Apple and PET, both of which become} formidable workstations for the high-end market.}} 1978 Sir Clive dumps the "really quite stone-age" Microsoft Basic in} 1978, inventing a new language called the Highly Optimized Programming} Environment, or HOPE. HOPE is cheap and revolutionary, and immediately} purchased by all schools in England in preference over the government's} offering, Parliament of the United Kingdom Educational Use Programming} System, or PUKEUPS. The Home Secretary testifies before the House} of Commons that no one noticed what the acronym spelled.}} 1980 Sir Clive envisions the computer for the consumer, and begins} producing software for his next-generation operting system, High} Yield Programming Environment, or HYPE. The system will be designed} to run multiple programs at once, and to respond to voice commands.} He estimates that it will take at least 18 months to develop.}} Sinclair is criticized for problems with the latest version of HOPE} (HOPE-Z2), including a tendency to erase itself when the cassette} is jiggled.}} 1981 IBM adopts HOPE as its operating system for the IBM PC. Sir Clive} grants them full license over that version of the software, eliminating} any chance of viable revenue stream from it.}} 1982 HOPE QZX-3 is released, which can support 32-bit hardware} (although none exists commercially), and high-res color graphics.} Consumers are slow to adopt the system, citing "features" like complete} incompatibility with the previous operating system, and dvorak-only} keyboard support. Sir Clive presses on.}} The as-yet unreleased HYPE environment is acquiring features such as} the "rotunda" which lets users view multiple applications, each with} its own "application door."}} 1983 Sir Clive is dismayed at the use of his software for} "entertainment" use, and promises that this will be remedied in the} next release. The public is baffled. He focuses his energy on a} secret project known only as "that secret project of Clive's."}} 1984 Sir Clive is miffed that Apple beat him to the punch with the} GUI, and vows that HYPE will be released this year.}} Late in the year, the New Operating and Program Environment (NOPE)} is released, which merges features of HYPE into HOPE, with the result} that it is almost unusable. The fact that the OS cannot run programs} that have the word "game" in the title discourages young users from} migrating.}} 1985 Sir Clive releases his long-awaited "secret project," which} turns out to be a line of battery-powered personal helicopters.}} 1986 The wild success of Apple's Macintosh confirms for Sir Clive} that HYPE is on the right track, and he promises a new, firm release} date of late 1987.}} 1987 Nothing happens. Really.}} 1988 The Microsoft name is sold to Amstrad in late Q3 to pay for the} prescient but ill-concieved helicopter plan.}} 1989 Amstrad ditches HYPE and releases slightly-updated versions of} NOPE for the Atari, Amiga, and Acorn platforms.}} 1990 Amstrad disappears lock, stock, and barrel, and is never heard} from again, and no records can be found that it ever existed.}} 1991 Macintosh OS (49%)and IBM's OS/2(35%) constitute 84% of the} small-computer OS market.}} 1992 Steve Jobs releases the top-secret port of MacOS to the intel} platform. Superior stability and greater market penertation for} software begin the slide toward's Apple's dominance in the field.} Steve Wozniak speaks very rudely to Steve Jobs and severs all official} ties to the company.}} 1993 Federal officials block the planned acquisition of Intuit by} Apple. Apple is accused of pressuring OEMs to ship MacOS on all of} their machines.}} 1994 IBM, struggling to maintain an 11% share of the PC market,} tries to get Clive Sinclair involved with their next-generation OS.} Sir Clive is very busy with miniaturizing solar-powered dogwalking} machines, and turns the offer down.}} 1995 Apple is accused of unfair trade practices by the Justice} Department. The press questions Steve Jobs on the whereabouts of} Woz. It is rumored that Woz has performed an act of ritual suicide.} He emerges from his extremely large house in Northern California and} tells the press he has been hiking his yard for a few weeks and not} been near a phone.}} 1996 Steve Jobs is the richest man on earth, but lives in a custom} fully-armored porsche. Woz has just purchased the boards of education} of six western states, including california, with hopes of turning} them around.}} 1997 To avoid the risk of anti-trust litigation, Apple purchases} a minority interest in IBM and tries to revive interest in OS/2.} Guy Kawasaki is arrested for the attempted murder of Steve Jobs.} Kawasaki was calm in his statement,saying "the people at PARC warned us} this might happen, that one of the team might turn to the dark side.} I had to do this because of my love of the Mac and all that it once} stood for." Kawasaki was assisted in his escape from a California} mental hospital by a guerilla group of some kind. His whereabouts} have never been determined.}} 1998 Apple is sued by Cuisinart for integrating a food processor into} every Apple computer. "We're only doing what customers want," Jobs} said at a press conference. "Everybody has to eat, we already make the} software that runs the food processor, so we think slicer integration} is a very logical step in the development of personal computing.}} A little-known UNIX-based system begins to gain popularity among} technical types. Apple moves to crush the movement in the press,} and the Finnish originator of the system mysteriously disappears} while going out for a bite to eat.}} 1999 The federal courts rule that Apple is a monopoly, but can't seem} to print any of the documents that would enforce a commercial breakup.} Attorney General Geoffery Fieger loses part of a finger on a reboot,} and investigations continue...}}} The oracle asks that you burn a Next computer on the altar, while} chanting "Sir Clive full of grace..."

} No, let me explain this one more time:}} The Aoracle answers questions about blood vessels near the heart.} The Boracle answers questions about tunneling.} The Coracle answers questions about obscure British oaths.} The Doracle answers questions about entrances.} The Eoracle answers questions about donkeys.} The Foracle answers questions about purposes} The Goracle answers questions about whose party it is, whose turn it is} to cry, and who owns whom.} The Horacle answers questions about Lisa's professional life.} The Ioracle answers questions about whether it's you, or . . . .} The Joracle answers questions about Brooklynese mandibles.} The KOracle answers questions about why so many boxing matches go the} distance.} The Loracle answers questions about Data's brother.} The Moracle answers follow-up questions.} The Noracle answers questions about shaving. (the anagram got screwed} up)} The Oracle, that's Me, handles everything not covered here. Side note:} the reasoning here is that among dieties, the brevity of your name} indicates your rank. So Q is higher than Ra is higher than God is} higher than Zeus is higher than Shiva, etc.} The Poracle answers questions about acne. He gets the highest number} of questions, other than Me.} The Quoracle makes sure that all of the others ore in attendence, just} like in the Senate or House. He is the lowest among Us, for the} reason stated above.} The Roracle answers questions about Rory B. Bellows, Rory Calhoun,} and other people infrequently appearing on The Simpsons.} The Soracle answers questions about flying, and also handles the} complaints department.} The Toracle answers questions about the bald star of "Plan 9 From Outer} Space," "Bride of the Monster," and "The Beast of Yucca Flats."} The Uoracle answers questions about the same thing as the Ioracle.} The Voracle answers questions about very-high-frequency omnidirectional} radio range.} The Woracle answers questions about peoples worries.} The Xoracle answers questions about silly names of fantasy serieses.} The Yoracle answers questions about times gone by.} The Zoracle answers questions about misspellings of Zot.} And lastly, the ^C^Voracle answers questions about lists where the first} part of each item has been cut and pasted. Any problems with this} answer should go to Him.}} So if you've been paying attention, you'll know which one to go to with} your question. That's right, right next door.}} You owe the Oracle a british made map of Racletown. That is to say,} an A-Z.

} Use ready-made prose. Here's a sample. Use it, or change it to suit} your needs.}} In this crucial time, it is imperative that all of us understand the} implications of every action. I am not the only one who needs to tailor} performance to the tasks at hand. We all must strive together to press} in the direction that our Mission Statement leads us. (show chart)}} + A} + B /} + \ /} + \ /} + \ /} ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++}} When the Mission Statement points us towards A, the person who works} with zeal but towards B is worse than lazy, for he drags us from our} Mission. In every aspect of my job, I always ensure that I am working} towards A. Any questions?}} You owe the Oracle a report of your presentation.

} Scene: Sam Clam's Disco, about a half-hour after closing time. The} band members are crowded around a table, relaxing after another} successful evening.}} JABBERJAW: That Wanda was in again tonight, did you see? Whoo-ee! I} wouldn't mind spawning upstream of HER eggs.} SEBASTIAN: I hear you, mon. Dat gal got a tail on her!} CHARLIE: [contemptuously] Psschh!} SEBASTIAN: Ay, what's da matter with you?} CHARLIE: Don't you guys ever talk about anything else? "She's so hot!} Check out the scales on that one! Hey baby, wanna spawn?" You} should take a look around you once in a while.} JABBERJAW: I do, man, that's how I spotted Wanda!} [Sebastian and Jabberjaw high-five each other.]} CHARLIE: I'm talking about the WORLD, man! The environment, the very} water we live in is slowly turning to poison, and all you guys} want to talk about is what riverbed you'll be sleeping in tonight.} JABBERJAW: Yo, dude, you been tokin' Sebastian's seaweed?} CHARLIE: I'm talking about junked nuclear warships leaching} radioactive waste in the North Pacific.* A 4800-square-mile patch} of the Gulf of Mexico that doesn't have enough oxygen in the water} to support life.^ Heck, I was talkin' to Flipper the other day,} he said that even the noise levels are getting so high that he} can't navigate near shore these days.+} SEBASTIAN: So what you want us to do about it mon? You comin' over} all "save the whales," but I don' hear no ideas, eh? You can't do} not'ing about it.} CHARLIE: You gotta get informed, man! Get informed, then go inform} other people! No, I can't do anything myself, but get enough of} us together and we can! But you just keep on spawning and don't} pay attention, and you're gonna end up like the Atlantic cod--in} 30 years, their population has dropped 70 percent.~ They keep} spawning, and they're still dying off.} JABBERJAW: Yeah, but what a way to go!}} You owe the Oracle the latest Hootie and the Blowfish CD, and a glance} at the sources:}} *"Russian Armada poisons the seas," Insight on the News 15(25), July} 5-12, 1999, pp. 14-16.} ^"Death in the Gulf of Mexico," National Wildlife 37(4), June/July} 1999, p. 48} +"Seismic, other sound at issue in deepwater Gulf of Mexico," Oil &} Gas Journal 97(37), Sep 13, 1999, pp. 105-106} ~"Trouble in Earth's liquid heart," International Wildlife 29(5),} Sep/Oct 1999, p. 28

> Oh super-nifty Oracle, who would never castrate his supplicants in the> hope of passing them off as aliens...>> I was sitting around the house the other day, trying to think of a way> to MAKE $$$ FAST!!!, when I had a flash of inspiration. Why not start> my very own cult? I mean, why should L. Ron Hubbard and Amway have all> the fun? It wouldn't be anything as fancy as the operation you> currently run, of course, but I figure it would be nice enough to at> least buy me that Porsche I've had my eye on. So my question is: what> should I do to get started?