Three score and eleven

At the doctor's (Vladimir Makovsky, 1900)

Do the math: (3 x 20) + 11 = 71

May 1, 2014 | I am now officially old.

Being old, they say, is "a state of mind." I beg to differ.

Although it certainly "beats the alternative" as they also say, it's impossible to avoid the conclusion that growing old really sucks. Parts of your body grow when they shouldn't and other parts shrink when there's nothing to spare. There's simply nothing funny about sprouting hair on the rim of your ears or finding none on the top of your head.

Meds drawer

At three score and eleven years I find myself with far too many doctor appointments on my calendar, far too many trips to the lab for blood tests, enough meds to fill an entire drawer of the bathroom cabinet, and my medical "team" has expanded to include a cardiologist. Clearly, if the body were a car, it would be subject to recall.

There are other telltale signs of oldness: Too many conversations include a review of ailments. Carrying a list of AARP discounts in your wallet. Looking forward to your free birthday Slam at Denny's (and, yes, that's where I'll be this morning!). A shopping list made up of items that are salt-free, fat-free, sugar-free, lactos-free, gluten-free — always also taste-free.

And "golden years" — Please!

Ten Funny Things That Happen to Your Body When You Get Old

At the end of the Big Bang Theory the last thing you see is a "vanity card," usually filled with writing, that flashes across the screen for what seems like 2 nanoseconds. I finally paused the DVR to investigate and found that card #280 was a hilarious compendium of statements à propos of today's topic.

You know you're getting old when...

You throw your back out on the toilet. You shave your ears. ... You're genuinely excited when your prescriptions arrive in the mail. You read the obits in the newspaper to check the ages of the dead people. You read a newspaper. You're bummed out that the smokin’ hot chick from Body Heat now looks like William Shatner in drag. You say “bummed out.” ... Masturbation leaves you winded. You try to amuse the kid hooking up your Blu-ray player by telling him about Betamax. You pee in morse code — dots and dashes — and have to look down to see when you’re done. Your car radio is set to “classic rock” so you have something to switch to during NPR pledge drives. Your doctor says things like, “that’s normal for a man your age” and “consider yourself lucky.” Beneath your chin is what appears to be a neck skin hammock. Beneath your penis is what appears to be two ping pong balls hanging from a flesh-colored bolo tie. You choose your new car because it offers great lumbar support and convenient cup holders. Watching “The Who” perform at the Superbowl made you inconsolably sad. You wonder if the orgasm you're about to have will actually end your life. Your doctor tells you a new medication will reduce the amount of semen in your body and your only response is, “so what.” Your car radio is set to “classic rock” so you have something to... oh, wait, I already did that one.Chuck Lorre Productions #280

Nevertheless, having a birthday — at my age — is a wonderful thing. And I intend to celebrate it.