Russell Friedman

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask John & Russell

The reduction of pain does not necessarily mean you're emotionally complete with your friend who died. It may only mean that you're adapting to the loss. (Published 5-8-2012)

Q:

My friend was hit and killed on the night of April 9, 2011. Will the pain ever ease a little? She is all I can think of. It will probably affect my grades. Is there any way to help ease the pain?

Russell Friedman Replies:

Dear Michael,

Thanks for your note and questions.

We imagine the sudden death of your friend has turned your world upside-down.

And with that, YES, your grades will probably be affected. The most common reaction to loss is an inability to concentrate. We's suggest you make your situation known to your teachers, and if necessary request extensions for doing homework or taking tests. With that in mind, be gentle with yourself if you discover that you can’t focus very well for now, and even for some time to come.

As to trying to ease the pain and when that might happen: Since everyone is a unique individual, it’s impossible for us to guess how long the “raw” pain will affect you. We can tell you that rather than trying to fight it or avoid it, go with it. The pain you feel is the normal and natural reaction to the death of your friend. As your mind, your heart, and your body adapt to the new and unwanted reality, the pain will naturally subside.

However, the reduction of pain does not necessarily mean you're emotionally complete with your friend who died. It may only mean that you're adapting to the loss.

To deal with the emotional incompleteness that is an automatic by-product of this sudden death, go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. As you read it and take the actions it outlines, you’ll find the pain diminishing, even though you will still have feelings and miss your friend.