Gah, bloody FODMAPS, you’re such a jerk. While the rest of the glutey world can enjoy these kind of sweet noms, I apparently can’t.

The problem with raw, vegan sweet noms is that they’re very high in FODMAPS foods like dried fruit and nuts. As I’ve mentioned previously, if you’ve got FODMAPS issues, you don’t necessarily react to every high FODMAPS food, so it’s a bit of trial and error to work out what you can and can’t eat. Admittedly, I had noticed rumblings when I’d eaten these kind of foods before, but what was to occur later in the day, blew these previous rumblings to smithereens.

So for anyone who’s ever wondered what it’s like when I eat something I shouldn’t have, here goes (note, have very heavily edited to prevent readers from vomiting).

Phase one: Something’s a stirring

“Hmm, my stomach is vaguely hurting, I think I’ll just go to the loo.” Returns from loo, feeling a bit squiffy but determined to keep working.

In between toilet visits, I was attempting to work, but this was proving to be a challenge, as my brain was otherwise occupied with:

a) trying not to throw up (yup, nausea kicked in too)

b) deep breathing (the kind you’re told to do when you’re going into labour)

c) sweating, while feeling both hot and cold, and;

d) calculating how many seconds it would take to get from the office back to the bathroom

By this time I was having difficulty hiding just how rotten I was feeling and my workmates had started gently suggesting that maybe it was time to go home. However I didn’t think I’d be able to make it home without doing irreparable damage to the interior of my car.

Half an hour later (or it could have been hours, honestly I’d lost the ability to keep track of time by this point)

Phase three: The end is nigh

Phase three was a good time to go home from work because for a while my stomach had ceased to require quite the level of bathroom attention than it had previously.

So I drove home, carefully and quickly, and immediately crawled into my pajamas.

The pain was still there, except now I could lie on the bed between bathroom breaks, and there was more time between trips to the loo.