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Most men are largely ignorant about how women experience orgasm. I have asked many women about their orgasms. Not in a sterile interview setting but on a basis of trust and shared sexual experience.

Men on average are ignorant about how women experience orgasm because most women either don’t want to discuss the matter, or simply lie about it.

Experienced women more often lie about how they experience orgasm than novices because experienced women are aware that it is a sensitive issue. Most men can’t face the truth that they play a small role in their female partner’s orgasms. Which doesn’t mean that women would be unhappy with such a sexually unimportant man. Women need men, and seek their company, for social needs, economic needs, and emotional needs, not primarily for sexual needs.

But male sexual partners want to have a definite role in their female partners’ orgasms. Which is why experienced women often do him the favor and pretend that he plays a major role in their orgasms. A possible reward: a happy family life, with a proud husband.

Unfortunately (for the self-confidence of men), women don’t experience orgasms in a manner that their male partners normally would wish for.

There are two components: those psychogenic and those physiogenic. The psychogenic element is what happens in a woman’s head, and the physiogenic is what happens with her sex organs and her body overall.

Men, stupid men, are focused on standard penetration to be the physiogenic element in a woman’s climax.

And men usually wish that the psychogenic element in a woman’s climax is within the following parameters: she finds him attractive (actually, one of the most attractive men she has seen), and he is a good lover; his kisses arouse her, and her mind is focused on what he may do next. And when she reaches a climax, her mind just imagines him. Her mind is occupied only with what they are doing.

Wishful thinking.

An orgasm during lovemaking is by far not as certain for women as it is for men. Women are not so much into casual sex because most have a hard time reaching a climax in a casual setting. Also, during casual sex there is usually not enough intention on the part of the man to actually make her reach a climax.

Furthermore, lack of familiarity with a new man often makes it difficult for a woman to relax sufficiently during such an encounter.

In relationships in which no jealousy is involved, a woman’s psychogenic elements in reaching orgasm are practically never focused on the man they are with.

Often, the thoughts that carry a woman to orgasm during sexual intercourse with her routine partner are so strange that women would not want to share them with their partners, if only to avoid embarrassment.

Strangeness of fantasies in itself is a pro-orgasmic quality for many women.

To illustrate what I mean: A woman may imagine another man during intercourse with her routine partner (husband). This in itself is not really strange. It’s a standard situation.

Her fantasies will have a higher degree of strangeness if she imagines this man to be her husband’s brother. Or a neighbor with whom she just had an argument over a minor matter. Or the boyfriend of her daughter.

Or add strangeness in situation: assume she imagines that the encounter takes place, no, not in the bedroom, but on a lonely island where there is no disturbance, or during the shooting of a pornographic film.

Strangeness of imagination in itself is an orgasmic quality.

Strangeness can be measured as a decreasing degree of the likelihood that a certain fantasy may ever become reality.

Her husband’s brother or her daughter’s boyfriend are indeed unlikely candidates for a sexual encounter.

Most women have no real interest to turn their sexual fantasies into realities. And even in an ideal situation where a repeat orgasmic fantasy is enacted almost true to a woman’s imagination, the orgasmic certainty, and even the excitement, cannot catch up with the imagination. There is even a great likelihood of orgasmic failure.

I believe that it is a standard situation that in the female orgasm, there regularly is a discrepancy between the actual sexual event and the perceived, fantasized sexual event that makes for the psychogenic origin of the female orgasm.

I only know of one setting in which a woman is clearly focused on the man she’s with. This is when she is sufficiently jealous.

I write for a worldwide audience, not just a European or North American one. Which means that in 90 percent of all male-female relationships, men provide material support for women.

A nice guy normally is on the losing end because he provides material support, but the orgasmic focus of his female partner may just be on her man’s enemies, or in another way specifically on men with whom her permanent partner would be the least likely to agree.

Women may often consider their own orgasmic fantasies as “not normal”. Which is why it is even more unlikely that they will share them with anybody, and especially not with their husbands.

Nevertheless, for the sheer convenience of it, most women prefer nice guys as boyfriends or husbands. And for her orgasms, she has her sexual fantasies that are unrelated to her actual sexual partner.

Disclaimer: Statements on this page have not undergone the FDA approval process.

Privacy policy of Sumatra Pasak Bumi

For us at Sumatra Pasak Bumi, privacy in the age of the Internet is a major concern, and we greatly welcome the European General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR).

We have always been dedicated to privacy protection. The snooping and spooking of all and everybody is a pest. It’s not just the NSA and every large search engine and browser (we recommend Duckduckgo for searches and as browser), but even minor businesses that do their databases and customer profiling in hope of McDonald's style do-you-want-fries-with-that cross sales.

We don’t.

We respect the privacy of customers and people visiting our website. Our site is run from a secure socket layer. We do not use cookies. We do not maintain customer accounts for logging in later. Our website is simple html programming, and we don't even use WordPress templates or e-commerce plug-ins. We don't do a newsletter to which customers could subscribe, and we don't even include standard social media buttons that would link visitors of our site to certain Facebook or Twitter profiles.

We prefer communication by email using a gmail account because this is probably still the most private mode of communication (Hillary may disagree), and when we have information to disseminate to the public, we just publish it on our website. We do offer the option to communicate with us by chat apps if a site visitor so wishes, but prefer email.