Tips for a Terrible Garden

As someone who managed to start off not-so-bad and end with an absolute fizzle, I would like to share some ideas on what you should do when gardening if you want terrible results.

1. Jump in the deep end. I typically think it is a good idea to start big. So, if your past experience level includes killing a few potted plants, you would ideally buy a homestead or farm with many plants and animals. You’ll do fine if you have to, right?

2. Try to coordinate the companion needs of dozens of plants you’ve never grown before, plants that all have different start dates, water needs, and various other needs. This will not be overwhelming for a novice.

3. Do it all yourself. That way, when you start to get bummed about how much time you’ve spent weeding just one fourth of your plot, nobody will really have a vested interest in you not letting things get all Juarassic Park.

4. Take a month off, mid-summer. What could go wrong?

5. Have no idea what local weeds are. This will make it fun to intentionally train them on the trellises you so painstakingly installed. Enjoy it when fellow garden plot renter points out to you in broken English, “This is the weed.”

6. Rent a plot that’s almost ten minuates away. This will encourage those quick little trips that nip weeds in the bud and let you really know what you can put on the table this week.

7. Start plants at the wrong time. Things that need some nice cold weather don’t mind if you pop them in a month late. Things that need plenty of time before snow falls aren’t really *that* particular. Don’t make any final decisions on your garden until you’ve already waited until it’s too late to plant the easiest things.

If I can think of any other helpful hints for having a terrible garden, I will keep you posted. Until next time, keep up the good work!