Hipsters encouraged to donate beards to refugees

SEATTLE — In response to the hardships many refugee men face in growing and maintaining full beards, a Seattle-based organization is encouraging hipsters in the city to donate their facial hair.

Any beards collected will be sent to refugee centers around Europe where volunteers will implant the hair in the faces of needy men from Syria, Eritrea, Libya and other countries afflicted by war — with the aim of masculating those who might otherwise be suffering from low morale.

Franklin J. Dubbles, founder of the Beards for Refugees project, says that while most of the men who have been driven from their home countries erroneously believe that what they need most is water, food and shelter, what would really help is a thick, well-groomed beard that will make them feel “like a million bucks.”

“There’s something primally satisfying about allowing your stubble to grow into a proper bush, and then trimming it ever so carefully,” said Dubbles, who himself is unable to grow a respectable beard due to unexplainable bald patches on his lower cheeks. “I’m not suggesting that men stop grooming themselves altogether and turn into flea-ridden hippies, it’s just that a manly beard, when combined with properly coiffured hair and decent attire, can do wonders for self-confidence.”

“Sadly, due to poor nutrition, the abundance of lice, or a lack of suitable beard trimming tools, many of these refugee fellows have been forced to keep their faces totally shaved,” he said with tears forming in his eyes. “I know how it feels, as I, too, struggle with growing facial hair.”

Donation centers with certified barbers are popping up all over the Seattle metro area, giving hipsters, lumbersexuals, and even neckbeards an easy, socially-conscious way out the bind they put themselves in years ago when they grew a beard after the practice became trendy.