Monthly Archives: January 2011

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Okay, so, I have to make a point of this. I am going to be doing another Opinion article this week that about the wonderfully narcissistic Tea Party media whore, Sarah Palin. I am doing an opinion article about her because the stuff that is happening with her recently is just too juicy not to talk about. In case you wonder what I am talking about, take a look at this. That article is basically showing what most of us already knew. I am just going to make a point about it here and in the paper because I think that a point needs to be made for the idiots who don’t already know.

So, I am not one of those people who think that the media went overboard in their coverage of Palin during the 2008 Presidential campaign. For real, I have no sympathy for this woman because of her recent actions. She screams and bitches about how the media shouldn’t attack somebody’s family, after she had used her family has a prop for the entire campaign. And then Palin goes and attacks Obama’s family. So yeah, her nice little hypocrisies are fun to read and to write. But let’s get down to it.

So, in case you didn’t know this, right after the incident in Tucson, Palin took down her famously in-poor-taste graphic of the gunsights over Congressional Districts that she wanted to win. She took it down long before Loughner was identified as the shooter. She also took down her famous Tweet, “Don’t retreat, instead RELOAD.” She took these things down before the suspect was arrested. And I hate to break it to you, but that says something. It says that Palin thought, even before anybody really knew what was going on, that she might just be culpable. She might just be partly to blame for what happened. I want it on the record that I don’t blame her for what happened, I am just making a point. But that was then.

So after her attempt to hid the evidence failed, she decided to stand up for it. I find it interesting that if she was just going to defend it, why get rid of it in the first place? Yeah, gotta love a nice hypocrite. And her defense of the graphic was incoherant, stupid, and basically her stroking her raging-hard ego boner. She made two lovely comparisons on a video she released. The first claimed that she was a victim of a “blood libel.” An egregious statement that should never be uttered by a such a hardcore dumbass Christian woman like her. But most of the media missed her second lovely comparison. She compared herself also to the Muslims in America who have been persecuted after 9/11. It makes me think of one thing- EGO!

Sarah Palin’s love of herself is truly awesome. I mean that, I am inspired with awe and wonder. Her ability to put herself on any pedestal that she pleases whenever the situation calls for it is truly spectacular. She seems to have little to no empathy whatsoever. She quit a job that she was elected by this state to do for money. And all her little stunts after the happened have been humorous, annoying, and often just sad. In case none of you ever watched her awful show, Sarah Palin’s Alaska, you didn’t see her basically blatant political bullshit that she spewed left and right. She made in-poor-taste jokes about our national security, making a wall between us and Mexico, and a bunch of other topics. Not to mention the fact that when she killed a moose (which took about five shots, ironically enough), I felt bad because she was killing an animal that was smarter than she is.

There was a lovely video on Youtube asking the question that I ask, is Sarah Palin a narcissist? In my opinion, yes, she is. She care nothing about really anybody but herself. She had a grand view of herself that defies reality, she believes that she is entitled to everyone’s adoration, even though she really has done nothing worth respecting, and that list goes on and on. She really does fit the bill in every way.

I personally am sick and tired of this woman, but the story gets even better. So, she was in Reno, NV for a Safari Club meeting. She talked about a planned media boycott of her, which sounds like a wonderful idea to me. She made another in-poor-taste joke about this boycott, claiming that now the media won’t be able to blame her for what is happening in Egypt.

Let me take the time now to say how much I loathe this bitch! She is so rotten, down to her black heart, there is nothing good about this woman in the slightest way! There can be no good parts of a heart that is so in love with itself that she doesn’t care how heartless her comments sound. And what pisses me off more is that she can still generate an audience. Even after she proves that no event is above her exploitation (like 9/11, for instance), and proves that no tragedy is too awful to prove that she is the only victim, she is still sitting front and center and having people believe that she is worthwhile.

I am so glad that Palin’s career is slowly heading into that night. If recent events have proven anything, it is that Palin is finally losing her edge, and her time in the public eye as anything more than just another demagogue who doesn’t have a fucking clue is finally coming to an end. Sure, she isn’t going quietly into the night, but she is finally going! And it is about damn time! Because I am sick and tired of this evil sociopath poisoning our collective Zeitgeist and making this country look even more stupid and making us all from Alaska look like complete jackasses!

Get lost from our media, Palin, and take your narcissism with you!

Until next time, a quote,

“When you say to people, ‘don’t retreat, instead reload.’ When that is your political rhetoric, shit like this happens!” Terroja Kincaid

So, I got to thinking lately, about what it means to be a human being, about what it means to love. I have been thinking about what it is to exist in a world like the one that we have. It is a world of so much tragedy, and so much pain. I have been thinking about what life means as a whole. It’s not a simple concept, so I think I’ll start this series of blogs with the first part- the heart. Arguably, the most important.

So, I am feeling a lot of things well up in my heart. It is going to be very hard for me to do this, so I will do what I can to keep my composure. I say that this is going to be hard because my heart has been through pains that it didn’t deserve, and it often shouldn’t be. The sad thing is that for too many people, this is how it is. So, like I said, I will try and keep my composure, but this is going to be hard.

I read that Valentine’s Day is coming up. For a long time now, I have regarded that holiday as I do most days- pointless, and self-serving. It is designed to keep people from feeling alone in life. It is designed to promote an idea of love that can never really exist. It is a day that makes those who have love feel very uplifted and like they have been given something that they deserve more than those who do not have it. Or they believe that they are just luckier. Or worse still, they think that their lives mean more because they have love. But to me, and so many others, it is just another day of the years.

The heart is an idea. The physical organ can often beat faster for certain kinds of love, but it is just an idea. I’m sure that those who read this realize that, but sometimes people refer to the heart like it is something that feels for itself. Like everything else in the wonderful power of the human body, it all takes place in the brain. But what is referred to when people speak of the heart?

Emotion is at the center of it all. It is a powerful thing. It is the sole thing that makes life even slightly worth living. It is the only part of living that really matters. The sad irony of it all is that for most people, this is a double-edged sword that more often catches them on the not-so-pleasant side of things. The two things which weigh most heavily on the heart are love and friendship. Those two things, more than any other, have power over human life.

Let’s start with love. Love is a concept. There have been a million and a half explanations of love in science, poetry, philosophy, literature, and every other outlet. Art has represented it in every single way that is possible. It is the thing that people spend their whole lives either trying to find, or enjoying in the most amazing way. I often think to myself that without passion, what would human life really mean? But what does it mean to life, and to living?

Through my own experiences, I have often found love to be a painful experience. The more you care about a person, the more that betrayal and anguish hurts. My cousin Griffin and I used to be the best of friends. He was the brother that I never had. He was the sibling that I wish I had. I had never wanted my sister in my life. I felt and feel nothing for her, to this day. Believe that or don’t, that is how it is. But Griffin, he was my kindred spirit, a person that I loved without equal. But he betrayed me. I felt so lost. I still feel lost. I still miss him with a sadness that I have never had equal to. Even after he betrayed me and took so much happiness away from my life, I wish that it didn’t hurt so much.

There was one other who I loved with a clarity of understanding- my Grandmother, Mary. Mary was a woman who had kindness in her heart that few people can actually understand. She loved me. She would never have admitted to it, but I think she cared about me more than other grandkids. I’m not proud of that, believe me. It is just how things are. But she was the person who I thought about when I thought about love. I still think about it. I still think about her. I often wonder if she would be proud of me, of the man that I have become. I am alone in the world now. I have felt alone since she left. I have missed her. I haven’t ever connected with another human being the way that I connected with her. I doubt that I ever will.

The irony of it all is that friendship ties into love, because the truth is that you love the persons that you call friends. If they are truly your friends, friends who are not people that you can pick up and throw away, then you do love them. Some call that “platonic.” Me, I call that true friendship. So, when a friend hurts me, it hurts me more. I have never wanted to admit it, but I think I feel things deeper than normal people. I have always been a kid at heart, and I have always felt so much deeper about the things that matter to me than other people. I’ve had so little genuine happiness throughout the course of my life that I often wonder if I was ever meant to have any at all.

A friend that I had been fighting with wrote me yesterday. That makes me so happy. A quote I used in reference to her was used at the eulogy of a funeral that I went to yesterday by somebody else. He was talking about the person that blog was aobut, the quote was about the friend, the girl, Emily. I feel friendship deeper than normal people. She wrote me, and wanted to see me. She does want to see me. That fills my heart with a joy beyond compare. So why is it that I still feel miserable? I have been thinking about that all day.

The power of the heart is that pursuit of love and friendship is what makes life feel worthwhile. We all fade away into darkness someday. We all just disappear into dust in one form or another. If we trun into worm-food or powder, we still fade away. So, it is the pursuits of the heart that mean something. That’s what I think, anyway. But I am a person who feels. I am a person who is a romantic. I am one of the last of a breed. I believe in taking care of the one that I love, those that I love. I believe in being there. But nobody really wants that. I’ve had so little happiness. Blame that on me if you like. Most do. I have had a lot of happy things, and done a lot of things that I enjoy, but there is a difference between that and real happiness. Believe me or not, it’s your choice.

Until next time, a quote,

“The love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned.” -William Somerset Maugham

So, I went to my uncle Tom’s funeral today. It was a rather brief ceremony, though I think that that was merely good fortune on my part. I found that part of my blog was taken and used in the eulogy! I call intellectual property theft! I have been robbed! I joke. It was actually pretty cool to see somebody want to use my blog in a funeral eulogy for my uncle. But this whole day has been making me think about a concept that I haven’t had in a long time- hope.

So, after the ceremony, I went out with my cousin. It is a visit that has been long overdue! We haven’t gotten to hang out enough in a very long time. This girl and I used to be thick as thieves. We still are thick, but we don’t see each other enough to be like thieves. So today was a really nice thing to have happen. We got to have some really good conversations and we got to find out some rather interesting things about one-another. It was both humorous and nice. It got me to thinking about things. It also got a little bit better- I got written by my best friend!

So, let me preface this by saying that I had earnestly no idea where things were going to go from here. We both had some heated exchanges, and one of the most recent had been angry in a whole different way. But now, she wrote me. I have been feeling lonely, so I wrote her, and was hoping to find time to hang out. She writes me back and tells me that we will eventually have time! I am very pleased by that. It gives my heart hope for the first time in a long time.

Things are looking up again. I still don’t know where things will go with Emily. There has been a lot of damage done, and I don’t quite know what will need to be done. Maybe I should just settle back into something comfortable, waiting for later to get into the more personal side of things. I don’t quite know, but I am going to figure things out.

I am getting published again! It is going to be a long road of me getting to write my own opinions of what I want to talk about. It is going to be a step in the right direction. Sure, my blog is getting more views, and I am getting my names out there, but I finally get to write for an official paper, and get paid to do it! That is the first step down a long road that I am beginning to take actual steps down. Like with Emily, I don’t know where this road ends, but I am working to make my life a little better, and I am actually succeeding!

It seems that Lady Luck is finally deciding to cut me a little slack. It’s about fucking time! It is about time for life to finally give me a little bit of a break from the usual endless series of crap that never seems to leave my life. For the first time in at least a month, I am going in a positive direction. And as I keep this going, I am gradually noticing something- feeling hope in one’s life is a fantastic feeling!

The idea of hope is something that most everybody can connect with. It is what keeps people getting up in the morning to go to their mindless jobs. It is what makes people do the endless series of BS that they think they have to do because they hope that they may just make life a little bit better. Hope is the idea that makes people try and make their lives better. Because every single day, life is really hard. It is only getting better because we try to make it better. And hope is a catalyst that keeps the flow of things going.

When life is not fair, as it often is, we do what we can to make things better. But sometimes, the efforts isn’t enough. There is that campaign called “It Gets Better.” I hate to break it for you, but for some people, it doesn’t. that goes beyond the LGBT community and into that world at large. For too many people, life just plain sucks. But it is hope that makes things worthwhile.

Now, I am moving toward my future. I don’t exactly know what is going to happen. My academia is continuing to grow. My life is heading in a positive direction, and I actually have a job at a newspaper again! Despite what has happened, and what is yet to come, for a time, and I am finally able to believe that I am going to be okay.

Until next time, a quote,

“The only voyage of discovery isn’t seeing new places. It is seeing with new eyes.” Marcel Proust

So, I read today from a friend of mine on Facebook. She says that even though she knows that people are capable of such good, that they can be such bastards sometimes. She’s right, but only partially, in my opinion. There is this other side of it all. It is a rather unpleasant side that nobody really want to think about for too especially long. It is the side that shows that all people are just trapped animals, in a system that is rigged, from top to bottom.

You already don’t believe me, I know. But I have seen for myself how ugly the system really is. Given my young age, you probably don’t believe that. But I was shown how it is through the eyes of an older man, who I credit as being my inspiration for my career path- public relations. He showed me one thing- that people really are just trying to survive. In their question for survival, people are doing whatever they can. It isn’t about good and bad with most people. It is just about them finding a place to exist in the ever-changing world.

Money is such a crucial part of everything that happens in life. We are all just trying to stay alive in this crazy world that tends to suck people into it, and never let them go. Let’s face it, love is not what makes the world go ’round. Love isn’t even close. Love can’t even begin to measure up to the power that capitalism has over this world. The guy I mentioned earlier, he pointed out to me once that most love in this world anymore is made and broken on the backs of money. He laughed that since money is so easy to get for some people, they honestly have no reason for the devotion that love can bring. I kind of agree with that.

Once upon a time, marriages lasted because women had no real opportunities. They had no way of earning a living, so they had to find a man and get hitched. That was just how things were done. But in the modern world, that isn’t the case anymore. Women have much more opportunity than they used to. So the need for marriage isn’t as serious as it used to be. Our society is having to find a new reason to stay together. Having kids has been proven not to be a good foundation. What is the need anymore? That is one of the many money questions that has come up.

But I have gotten off-topic. So, back to the role of good. I have learned that good is merely one of the many gray areas that exists in the world now. There is no longer any space for black and white issues. Truly, there isn’t. Think about it- we take and take to survive as a species, we use this world and each other to no end, nobody can do anything to stop it. Let me start with the first point.

I don’t want to come off sounding gloom and doom, because I don’t think things are so bad, yet, but let’s face it, we do strip this world to the bone, and we inevitably will, before we realize that we are a species that is more like a tumor on this planet than anything else. We all just believe that we need more and more in order for our lives to mean something. And our acquisition of all this is done by any means necessary. Think of how many parts of the world suffer for our ability to create in this world. It is a horribly gray area, and not a particularly fun one to think about.

The using of other people is rampant in modern society. Sex is probably the greatest example. Everybody is so desperate for physical intimacy because it brings the idea that there is some kind of real intimacy behind it. Deny it all you like, but I personally do believe that on some level, everybody who isn’t a complete sociopath is looking for love. But we don’t care who we hurt to get there. I have found out only too well what the effort to find love and friendship can do. It destroyed so much, and I often wonder if there was ever another way. And it isn’t just love. We use people to get ahead in life. Because the ultimate force in this world is the drive for money, we do whatever must be done to get it.

And let’s face it, nobody will ever be able to stop what has begun. Nobody will ever be able to make this world a better place because the system is all-powerful. This whole world has been engineered to keep the smart caged by intelligence and the dumb caged by the powerful. Only an exceptional few have been able to escape that cage. Those who try and rebel often find that they stand alone in this maw of greed and corruption. Those on the bottom do whatever they can to survive. We have good people doing dirty things to live, and we have those on top admiring their own wealth.

This world is controlled by an idea. It is controlled by the idea that there is no way out. Either you are part of the system, or you are living in a commune somewhere. Or you become Amish. Either way, the system tells you to do whatever you have to do to survive, no matter who you hurt. Those who rise above the urge to live the dog-eat-dog life almost never have truly successful lives. If The Wire taught us nothing else, it is the no matter what part of the system you are in, the game is the same.

So what is the role of good in the modern world? Well, ladies and gentlemen, if there were people willing to fight for the right thing, then maybe it actually would have a role. For now, it has nothing to do with anything. I think the girl mentioned at the beginning is one day going to end up hating me. Because I am going to become part of that system. I am going to be part of the world of corruption, using people’s corruption against each other for my own ends. I don’t like it, but I just want to live. Isn’t that what all of us are trying to do?

“I’ve seen this before. You turn a rape into an assault, a murder into suicide. Juking the stats.” -Roland Pryzbylewski

So, my uncle’s funeral is tomorrow. I am going to be attending, even though I actually hate funerals. It’s a respect thing. For real, I do. By the same token as I hate funerals, I hate weddings too. I hate them both for the exact same reasons. And those reasons are- because they are boring, they take forever, and they are totally meaningless in certain contexts. Let me elaborate.

So, I don’t think that anybody will debate me when I say that both of these events are hopelessly boring. There is a lot of crying. There is a lot of hand-ringing. There is a lot of people who I sometimes think are deliberately trying to make themselves feel like crap. I really do. At a marriage, they seem to make an example of women who aren’t married. For real, have you ever noticed how there is that idea that the woman who catches a bouquet is the next to get married? Yeah, it isn’t nice. And funerals are the same way. Everybody is expected to say nothing but kind things about the person. There is the rule that one should never speak ill of the dead. I won’t lie, my uncle had some personal issues that weren’t all that nice. Am I going to bring that up? No! But it is the fact that we are supposed to not even think of the bad that makes it all that much more confusing. Plus, in churches, the music is boring, and the ceremony drags on forever.

Now, who is going to argue with me that these things take forever. At a wedding, there is a lot of oath-giving. There is a lot of swearing (not the fun kind with four-letter words and emotion) involved. There is the preacher-man who is looking on either rather happily or rather sternly (have you ever noticed that it is the guy who gets the ugly look? Yeah, like a woman has never been unfaithful. That is sexist!). And at a funeral, there is also a lot of music. Everybody stands up and says their peace. At least that part makes sense to me, the people sharing memories. Although I would much rather share memories in a much less formal environment. And there is a lot of talk about where the person goes when they die. It is not all that pleasant, and it makes those of us who don’t fit the religious category feel like real assholes. And it takes FOREVER!

So, what am I talking about that they are meaningless in certain contexts? Well, let’s actually start with funerals for this one. I am not a religious person. I don’t believe that there is anything waiting for me on the other side. I don’t believe that any force in the universe is going to greet me and send me to some boiling dungeon for eternity or take me to some kind of Shangri-la. Therefore, all the talk of God taking a person into his arms means nothing to me. And I am certainly not alone. Some people just don’t want to hear it. If it wasn’t for the fact that this guy is family, I actually wouldn’t be going. I have made a point to avoid funerals for people that I am not related to. It is a meaningless waste of time for the living. And weddings? Same problem. You are swearing before God that you are going to be faithful and together forever. You are swearing that you are going to stay by one-another sides for eternity! But if you don’t believe in that crap, then what does it mean? It is totally meaningless.

Now, when I die, I am putting it in my will that I don’t want a funeral. I want an Irish wake. For those of you who don’t know, an Irish wake is when you have the body on display at a massive party, which is supposed to last a week. Now, I want to be cremated, so I want my urn on display, and for everybody to have a party for the full week. Of course, traditionally this would happen before the funeral. But for me, I want that to be it. Then, I want my ashes spread at a predetermined location. That is the way that I want my life to end. And the reason is because the rest of that stuff is really dull! And I hate dull!

As for marriage, well, since I don’t want a family (because I hate kids with a passion), the tax benefits of marriage don’t mean much. And since I could give a damn about what religious figures of superstition think, that means even less. Besides, have you ever seen how much money people throw into that bullshit? I can’t understand why a person would possibly want to have that kind of thing hanging over their shoulders. Especially when they probably already have financial issues that they are dealing with already. It just seems pointless to me.

Now, there are those who say that a funeral is for the living. Well, guess what, I think that the deceased should have a say. Would you really demean my memory by saying that I should have some kind of religious ceremony, even when I don’t believe in God? Does that seem fair to me? Does it seem fair to you? I didn’t think so.

So, I am currently in a Media Ethics class. It is a very interesting class. The teacher is hopelessly opinionated and is not objective in the slightest. She says that there are no wrong answers in this class, but when she doesn’t agree with you, she makes a point of making an example of you. I have been made example of several times. It is kind of annoying, but I personally like the class. But this class brought forth a concept that I had heard about, but never knew the particulars. I am talking of course about the unofficial media code of ethics. For real, she says that most newsrooms have these in them! Be as cynical as you want, but these rules actually make a lot of sense.

The first rule is to seek the truth and report it. That may sound pretty simple, but it is actually a lot more complicated than it sounds. As a news reporter, you have a job to look past what is on the surface. You have an obligation to get as much information as possible and to make sense of it all. I like the point that Keith Olbermann made about this concept- that it is all subjective, but you still have an obligation to try your best to figure out the truth.

The second rule is to minimize harm. That is actually a bit more complicated. I don’t know if you ever saw that picture in The New York Times had of a man who jumped from on of the Twin Towers on 9/11. He was one of many who jumped. The picture circulated all over the country. As you can probably imagine, it created a lot of outcry. A lot of people were royally pissed off and they didn’t want the picture in the papers. And ever since then, there has been a lot of effort to get that picture erased from the record of what happened that day. So, the second code of ethics is to minimize harm. Personally, I am in support of that photo. It was important. It showed how things actually were that day. But it means something to not purposely try and hurt somebody.

The third rule is to act independently. That is a little bit more complicated than the others. This basically means that you shouldn’t be part of the world of bribes, meetings, conflicts of interest, and keeping yourself from looking like you are on somebody’s payroll. You are supposed to do what it takes to get the story without being another bribed PR guy for whoever you are writing about. The teacher of my Media Ethics class makes point that she never accepts dinner offers from people who she is interviewing. She never accepts gear from BP when she goes up to the north slope to report. Basically, it means standing alone. It means being your own person.

The final rule is to be accountable. This rule matters more than any other, in my opinion. This rule means that when you makes a mistake, when you fuck up a story, that means that you are supposed to be held accountable to those who read or listen or watch you. When you make a mistake, you are supposed to lose viewers or readers or listeners because people don’t trust you anymore. It means that you are supposed to own up to your own mistakes. You are supposed to be held accountable to the people you are supposed to owe your allegiance to- the public.

And it is with these rules that I come to the one network that has risen above all these rules, and has suffered none of them. Their lack of ethics means nothing at all and what’s worse is that they have grown truly huge because of it. I am, of course, talking about Fox News. A network that seems to not fear the rules of ethics in any way. It amazes and depresses me so much. Need examples? Well, let’s go by the rules, one by one.

So, do they seek the truth and report it? Let’s examine the great clusterfuck report that Obama was taking a huge flotilla of warships and that the trip was going to cost tens to hundreds of millions of dollars a day. Hannity, Kelly, Fox and Friends, and so many others all preached this line, and when it was proven to be bullshit- they denied saying it. I personally love when Bill Maher had Bill O’Reilly on his show and asked him if people said this and when O’Reilly denied it, Maher presented all the evidence, and O’Reilly tried to get himself removed from being compared with them. Yeah, very accountable. Assholes.

So, the second rule- minimizing harm. Have they ever minimized harm? Well, let’s look at the case Shirley Sherrod. Remember that? The woman who was accused of being racist? She was forced to retire form the USDA. There was a video that was used against her that was used completely out of context and when they broke her job apart, did Fox apologize? Gee, I don’t seem to remember. Or remember the nomination of Sonia Sotomajor? I love all their little talks about how that woman was a “reverse-racist.” They trash people’s reputations left and right. It has real negative effects. And they never seem to care about that. They just keep going, and find a new target to attack. Their attacks on Obama are so unbelievably racist and pathetic. Watch Glenn Beck (this crazy-ass idiot who is a step or two removed from playing with his own shit) and you’ll see what I mean.

And the final rule- being accountable. Are they accountable? No! And you know the reason why? The reason is because their audience doesn’t honestly give a shit. For real. They know that their audience isn’t going to question their fictional reality. In their world, we are a socialist republic which is just like Nazi Germany (catch how they demonized a Democrat for comparing Republicans to Nazis? Gotta love a good hypocrit), and we are all about to die because Jesus is about come back and kick the shit out of all of us. They are accountable to no-one. When their story is proven to be bullshit, it is rare that they ever make anything of it. And when they do, the keep it as brief as possible.

It’s no wonder that the media is looked at so cynically anymore. It’s no wonder that people just tune out. Because one side paints a doom-and-gloom world that is about to be destroyed by their imaginary friend (Reagan or Jesus, I don’t quite know which). The news is supposed to be something more. Rupert Murdoch capitalized on an idea. It is all so pathetic. And I am not going into the media aspect because it is all a lie. Fox News, the ultimate joke.

So, for those of you who don’t know, my uncle Tom just died. Tom was a guy who was understood by few, had a bad temper, and had a soft side that he let show, even though I personally think he was a little ashamed of it. He was a good man, even though he had some personality quirks. I write this in testament to him.

Tom died of a heart attack in Hawaii. It was a place that he had wanted to be for a long time. It is that fact which I like more than anything else. Tom got to die in a place that he wanted to be, doing what he wanted to do. How many of us, you think, are going to get that kind of luxury? How many of us are going to be in that perfect place when we die? I doubt that many are. When I heard that my uncle had died, I was neither shocked nor very saddened. In fact, I look on his death with a kind of peaceful acceptance. You see, I can see things before they happen. Nobody believes that I can, but I can. I can see things before they happen and I knew that this was going to be how Tom’s life ended. I knew this, and I felt that he could at long last find peace.

Since he is Dave’s (my father’s) brother, he did not grow up in the most stable or peaceful of households. His old man was an abusive son of a bitch who mistreated his kids, and his wife. Mary (my grandmother, and arguably the most important person who has ever been in my life) was the most kind mother that she could ever be. She tried her very best for the kids, and they all have been getting along in life. Sure, they all have their internal squabbles, but I truly don’t believe that there is such a thing as a well-adjusted family. Every Christmas, when they were in Mary’s house, all the fights went away. She didn’t get mad much, but when my Grandmother did, you backed off!

I remember hanging out with Tom. You see, my aunt Joan and her family moved into Mary’s place before she passed away. They lived with her and it was a pretty peaceful existence. I miss so much the days when I used to go to Mary’s and just sit on her deck in the summer, talking to her. I miss that woman so much. My grandmother meant more to me than most anybody. She was my most loyal friend, a confidant, a person who I miss more than anything else. Tom was a real “momma’s boy.” I don’t think that Mary minded. She loved having her family around. Despite how they all grew up, there was a practice in the Johnson household that no family member was just cut off. The family would be there for them, forever.

However, Tom’s relationship with the rest of the family had gotten pretty ugly in the days before his death. His son, Griffin, sued me for a lot of money. The rest of the family was appalled and angered by this. Myself among them. We all were screaming insults at Griffin. But right to the bitter end, Tom stood by him. He blamed everything on the boy’s serpent mother, Patty. Right until the end, Tom could not be swayed. It caused a lot of friction with the family. He was the only one among us who stood by Griffin, and relationships suffered for that devotion. But he was still loved.

Tom did not have a particularly happy life. That is why I am happy to find out that at least he got to be in a place that he wanted to be when he died. He got to be where he wanted to be, and he got to have the kind of life that he wanted to have at the end. He got to be in the tropical paradise that he wanted to be in when his end came. I think I’ll choose to believe that he was a happy man.

The memorial is this Saturday. I think I may be wrong, but it makes sense that it would be at Sunny Knik Chapel. Tom had been there many time. It makes sense to put the memory of him to rest there. For me, I am thinking about where I am. I was told recently to let the friendship of somebody who hurt me go. But a different friend told me that the pain that was caused from me caring so much is not a bad thing. In fact, it makes all the difference. A lot of yelling happened, and a lot of people got angry. Only now do I realize that she is not a bad person. And neither am I. All friends have fights. What matters is that you apologize, and make up. I think I am going to take that step. It takes a lot more balls to admit that you did wrong in a relationship than to just blame the other person. I am going to take that step. I am going to make that leap of faith.

Because Tom was a good friend. I remember when he and I used to chill at Grandma’s. He, Griffin, and me used to chill out and make jokes. We used to have a lot of fun with that. I remember that good friendship sometimes has it’s ups and down. Thank you, Tom. I am getting butterflies. I am scared, thinking about what I will have to say to Emily. But she is my best friend. I don’t know what tomorrow holds. All I know is that I have to make this leap of faith. It’s time for the anger to go away. It’s time for responsiblity to be taken. And most of all, it’s time for me to realize that it all means nothing. I want that good life too.

Rest in peace, Tom. I think you’ve earned it.

Until next time, a quote,

“Friendship is a promise. A promise that you will stand by each other. Through the good times, and the bad. To walk with one-another down life’s path. That’s what friendship is.” -Lucien Maverick