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Why Cry?

When to comes to baby gifts, grandparents are under pressure – as the eldest members of the family, they can’t just phone it in with a onesie. We’re expected to come up with something significant.

So I decided to venture into another direction, and research wacky baby gifts. I thought I might find an odd item here or there to elicit a chuckle.

Little did I know I’d find a tacky treasure trove.

Weird baby gifts abound on the web. Most of them are guaranteed to raise an eyebrow or two, and some could even get you laughed out of a baby shower.

But don’t take my word for it. After all, one person’s wacky is another person’s wonderful. Here’s a sampling of what I found – you be the judge:

The Babymop. An ingenious combination of a onesie and a sewn-on mop, this gift really delivers on many counts – baby gets exercise, the floors get clean, and it’s a fashion statement. Of course, while dusting the floor the baby also becomes a gunk magnet, but you can just give the baby a good shake over the trash can. And if you want to take it up a notch, use some mopping fluid. You can wring your little wiggler out later.

The iPotty. What parent hasn’t sat for what seems like hours next to a child on a potty chair, reading books and singing songs in an effort to convince their little ones that using the potty is better than wearing diapers? Now, instead of wasting all that time bonding with their children, parents can leave them in the plastic embrace of an iPotty. This award-winning (Worst Toy of the Year, 2013) device allows a toddler to work on those all-important No. 1 and No. 2 tasks while scanning educational videos, catching up on email and tweeting. It’s a real timesaver for busy tykes everywhere.

The Babykeeper. We’ve all been there – at the mall carrying an infant when nature calls. If you’re alone, where do you put your precious cargo while you attend to business? Babykeeper to the rescue! Now you can just hook your baby on the back of the stall door, just like your coat, purse and shopping bag. It doesn’t look weird at all, especially if baby swings on the open door as you exit the stall. Just don’t forget any of your personal belongings when you leave the ladies lounge!

Why Cry? Why, indeed? With this baby monitor, you don’t have to work to interpret your baby’s fussy mood. Is baby hungry? Tired? A microchip lets you know. Of course, it doesn’t cover unfocused crankiness and general complaints about the state of the world, which are other valid reasons for a baby to cry. So don’t be surprised if sensitive babies who hate being misunderstood throw this thing at your head as soon as they develop the necessary manual dexterity.

Travel urinal. Just. Don’t. Do it. As a woman who’s raised two sons, I can tell you that it takes lots of practice – years, really – for little boys to develop an accurate aim. What are the odds that they’ll make it inside froggie’s mouth, especially on the fly when you’re out and about? Sadly, not so good. Don’t give this gift to an unsuspecting mother unless you also include a big box of disposable wipes. (A plastic apron wouldn’t be amiss, either.)

Baby perfume. Sick of that new baby smell? Now, thanks to perfume-makers like Burberry and Dolce & Gabbana you can trade a synthetic perfume for the delicious scent that emanates from a baby’s head. That’s progress!

High heels. Release your baby’s inner Carrie Bradshaw and accustom her to high heels right from the cradle. Like their grown-up counterparts, these high-heeled shoes are impossible to walk normally in. But then, that’s not the point, is it?

Baby bangs.Embarrassed by a bald grandbaby? Tired of people asking if she’s a boy? Then you need Baby Bangs – a fringe of fake hair attached to a hairband for the follically challenged baby girl. And for those of you who saw the satirical skit about baby toupees on SNL years ago and thought it was just a joke, think again. (If you like, you can revisit that skit here.)

There are more crazy baby items where those came from, which I’ll cover in future posts. In the meantime, you can sleep soundly knowing the perfect baby gift is out there, waiting to be bought and presented to grateful parents everywhere.