5 Ways To Build Healthy Relationships With Your In-Laws

Even before my husband and I tied the knot last summer, his family was a large part of my life and my family a large part of his. Now that we’re married, we’ve officially gained new family members in the form of in-laws. Not including extended family, I gained a mother-in-law, two sisters-in-law, a brother-in-law, a nephew, and two nieces, and Riley gained a mother-in-law, father-in-law, sister-in-law, and brother-in-law.

Riley’s family on our wedding day

My family on our wedding day

In the media, in-laws are the butt of many jokes and eye rolls frequently punctate sentences or stories relating to them. Sitcoms and movies capitalize on annoying and frustrating relationships with in-laws; in fact, there are many centered around this very thing. In real life, it’s common practice to hear friends or co-workers expressing irritation or exasperation with their in-laws. All this compiled, “in-laws” carries a rather negative connotation.

However, my family-in-law is very precious and important to me. My mother-in-law, Monica, has supported and uplifted me throughout my marriage by speaking grounded truth and sharing faith-based encouragement to me consistently. My sisters-in-law are some of my best friends; for much of the past year, they’ve been my only friends in close proximity to me and have gone out of their way to make me feel welcomed and loved. My nieces and nephew make any family gathering an event and I love making memories with them.

Me and my very loved mother-in-law

I often say I won the in-law lottery because I cherish these relationships so much, and I do feel very blessed by Riley’s side of the family. That said, building any close relationship takes time, energy, patience, and grace. It’s not like everything “clicks” perfectly and all at once! Today I’m going to share some ways to think about in-law relationships based on my experience to hopefully support and encourage you in your journey to building healthy, strong, lasting relationships.

My mother-in-law, me, and Riley on our wedding day

1 | Acknowledge, accept, and celebrate differences

As well as I get along with Riley’s side of the family, there are many, many differences between the way the two of us were raised. Our nuclear families had different morals and values as well as vastly different interests. Instead of letting these differences polarize us, we’ve learned to acknowledge, accept, celebrate, and laugh about them.

For example, his family loves to watch and talk about a show called Mystery Science Theater. I literally understand nothing about it and I don’t get the humor at all. After repeatedly trying to get me to join the Mystery Science Theater train and failing, it’s become a ridiculous joke among us–they’ll always say something like, “Well, if we show you this episode, you’ll change your mind,” and then we all laugh, because there’s no changing my mind. That being said, they’ve held screenings of lots of movies I’ve never seen (and would probably never watch on my own) that I’ve really enjoyed–especially now that I’m “in” on them.

Similarly, I love the movie Baby Mama. Yes, that random Tina Fey/Amy Poehler movie from 2008. I have probably seen it over 100 times and I can recite almost the entire script by heart. (It’s my comfort movie–do you have a comfort movie?) Riley’s family isn’t as into fluffy romantic comedies about pregnancy as I am (most people aren’t 😉 ), but I’ve given everyone in the family a copy of the DVD, and we now quote the movie together and reference it often.

These are just two surface-level examples of acknowledging and accepting each other’s differences. There are so many more: Riley was homeschooled, I went to public school. Riley’s family went through the tragedy of losing his dad suddenly to cancer, parental death is a pain and devastation that I’ve never had to face. Riley’s family is full of mountain people, me and my family are beach people. Our families cook different kinds of food, decorate our homes differently, clean differently, celebrate holidays differently, communicate differently. There is some overlap, but there are also many big differences.

Here’s how I choose to look at it: what makes our families different makes our in-law relationships interesting and fun. I like that we have so much to learn from each other–new ways of thinking about things, new ways of doing things, new recipes, new inside jokes, etc. Neither one of our families are “right” or “wrong,” just very different.

My sisters-in-law, Emily and Cabie, over for a girls’ dessert night #WeLikeStripes

Sweet Simon and Libby, our nephew and nice, as the Ring Bearer and (1 of 3) Flower Girls

2 | Spend time together

This seems obvious, but so many of my friends who struggle to build strong relationships with their in-laws avoid them at all costs! Just like any friendship, spending time together is a key component of success. Even if the past has been shaky or rough, creating new memories together is a healthy way to rebuild and restore your relationship.

Some ideas? Go out to dinner together. Watch a movie or sporting event together. Take a day trip together. Work on a project together. Cook a meal together. Take a painting class together. Try something that no one has tried before, whether it be a complicated recipe or a new craft.

Time together is a great way to naturally build strong bonds between you and your in-laws. If there is friction or tension in your relationship, try to spend time doing activities that don’t trigger it. For example, if you have opposite philosophies on spending money, don’t go shopping together! Choose activities that will have a positive impact on your relationship.

Cabie, my sister-in-law, and me

My sweet nieces, Zoe and Libby

3 | Forge a relationship independent of your spouse

In order for it to be lasting, your relationship with your in-laws should stand independent of your spouse. Though this has taken time over the years of us dating, being engaged, and now married, this is one aspect of my in-law relationships that I’m both proud of and thankful for. I interact with and spend time with my in-laws whether Riley is involved or not. We don’t communicate through Riley, we text and call each other independently.

There is no other circumstance where I would forge a relationship with a person through another person–that seems overly complicated and borderline unhealthy. Why would I build relationships with my husband’s family in this way? I spend time with each of his family members alone, without him, because I both enjoy their company and think it’s important for our relationships to stand on four feet, not six. When we’re visiting my family, Riley does the same. I often find him watching movies and chatting with my dad or playing video games with my brother while I’m doing something else. This is so important.

Annual 4th of July day at the lake with Riley’s family

4 | Be honest and apologize when you need to

It’s easy to let annoyances and frustrations go unaddressed in familial relationships because bringing them up will almost certainly “stir the pot” and be at least a little uncomfortable for a period of time. However, a dishonest relationship is an unhealthy relationship (more about that here). People are almost always more reasonable than they seem–if something is really bothersome, it’s important to address it in a gentle, grace-giving way so that there is room for reconciliation and forward progress.

Additionally, it’s important to share openly and vulnerably with your in-laws if you can trust them. Vulnerability is truly the gateway to relational intimacy; it’s so important to be raw and authentic with your close family members–in-laws included!

Similarly, apologies are critical to the health of any relationship, especially those with in-laws. Without apologies, resentment will build and spoil any chance for a strong bond. I learned this very early in our marriage. On our wedding day, we were taking family photos after the ceremony. During photos with Riley’s side, one of my nieces was completely over it and throwing a tantrum. (She was only two!) Everyone was spending a lot of time trying to comfort and coddle her, and my frustration was mounting because I wanted to get photos over with so that I could go into the reception and greet our guests. I finally leaned over to Monica, my mother-in-law, and snapped something like “This needs to be dealt with now so that we can get these pictures done!” through gritted teeth. Suffice to say, it was not my finest moment. My words were purely the product of selfishness and impatience–in fact, I had just left my job as a Preschool Director and thus fully understood the fickleness of a two-year-old’s emotions!

After we got back from our honeymoon, I had a conversation with Monica where I apologized for being so ugly in that moment. She didn’t even remember what I’d said, but appreciated my apology nonetheless. I felt better knowing that I had apologized, and never had to wonder whether she was upset with me (another relationship-spoiler). Saying “I’m sorry” is so, so hard but it will transform every relationship you bring it to.

My giggly, goofy middle-child niece, Libby

5 | Seek God through it

I’m not speaking in hyperbole when I say that every single relationship requires work and will be challenging at times; this is the reality of imperfect humans doing life together. Seeking God in your in-law relationships is powerful and important. He will gently guide you as you learn how to love your spouse’s family, teaching you patience and leading you with wisdom.

I believe that the Lord wants to bless our in-law relationships richly. In fact, in the book of Ruth, there is a powerful story of fierce loyalty and beautiful love among non-blood family when we look at Naomi and Ruth, Naomi being Ruth’s mother-in-law. I’ve always loved this story, but I cherish it all the more now that I have a beloved mother-in-law of my own.

You can never change another person’s actions, thoughts, or words, but you are responsible for your own. When you decide to reflect Christ in your relationships even when it’s challenging, you are doing important work for the Lord. (If you are battling division in your family, this biblical post on in-laws may help you.) I encourage you to seek God as you navigate your in-law relationships; He is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

Riley and his sisters (I love this photo so much!)

I love my in-laws very much and look forward to our relationships growing and strengthening as we continue through life together. I’m not an expert on this topic by any stretch of the imagination, but I’ve certainly grown and learned a lot in the past few years. I’d love to learn from your experience, too!

Comments

I love this post, Blair! Unfortunately, I have a strained relationship with my father-in-law and his girlfriend, at his own choosing. He continually butt into my husband and my relationship with his unwanted, rude advice (honestly, WEEKS before the wedding he told me we were getting married only for sex and my husband should leave his job in the military) and opted to skip our wedding because I politely explained that the marriage was between my husband and I, and while we appreciate his concern, we will seek out his advice when we need it. I hate that my husband’s father has opted to cut himself out of his life.

Hi Bailey! Thanks for sharing your story. I’m really sorry to hear about your strained relationship with your FIL. That must be really difficult. Time, space, and prayers are all known to heal–I’ll say a prayer for your relationship. May God restore it in time.

Thank you for sharing this! I’m always on the hunt for in-law relationship advice (as a less than 1 year married) and there doesn’t seem to be much except for advice or stories about extremely dramatic circumstances. Additionally, thanks for sharing your specific example about a time you needed to apologize to your MIL.

I was wondering if you had any specific tips or examples about relationship building when the in-laws are long distance and hanging out in person isn’t an option.

Thanks for reading! There really isn’t much in-law relationship advice, is there? So strange considering how many millions of people are sharing marriage advice, and marriage=in-laws!

As far as forging relationships with long-distance in-laws, I would make an effort to stay in touch through phone calls, email, social media, Skype/FaceTime, and in-person visits. When Riley and I were dating and I lived four hours from him (and my MIL), I sent her flowers, small gifts, and cards for holidays (and randomly as well) as a way to build our relationship and show her love from far away. We used to text a few times a week, too. Clearly, the best thing you can do is spend time together in person. If you can plan weekend or week-long trips to visit your in-laws, however infrequent, and spent quality time then, your relationship will naturally grow and strengthen over time.

Depending on how tech savvy your in-laws are, a weekly email thread could be a great place to start. It’s easier to chat with people who know what’s going on in your day-to-day life because you don’t always have to bring them all the way up to speed each time you communicate. If you and your husband could put together a weekly update email/”newsletter” with photos and life updates, your in-laws would LOVE it. They could do the same and send it back to you! That could be a really neat way to stay in touch and get to know one another better.

Great ideas, good reminders, I enjoyed reading as always. You have my husband’s organized, focused on the details, simplified personality. It is great to see his perspective in womanly form. I know if I am taking your “advice” it is something my husband will appreciate.

Thank you for reading! That is so interesting about your husband and I–I love how marriages so often consist of two people with completely different ways of living…it makes us all better. I learn so much daily from my laid back, mellow, slightly disorganized husband. Hugs! Xoxo

I love this! I’m not married yet (will be come this October!!) but I have a great relationship with my FH’s husband. I’ve felt welcome in their house ever since soon after we began dating and that feeling has continued to this day. Even his extended family has graciously welcomed me with open arms (his aunt is doing my hair). My own family has kind of a turbulent life, so I’ve been thankful to find some balance and routine in their home.

I have also found that getting to know your (future, in my case) in-laws is a very valuable thing. My FH’s mom taught me how to bake, how to fold certain things (fitted sheets are impossible!), and her version of “keeping house,” which is, at times, drastically different than my mom’s. I have the benefit of picking routines I love from both sides as I learn how to manage a home.

I’ve been looking for inlaw advice and found your article wuite helpful. I am a guy, descibed by my SO (significant other) as what her mom would call a man’s man, and am happy to be the first to comment on your article. First off, your reference to the story in Ruth is a brilliant application, inspiring, and brings my thoughts into a far more positive frame of reference. I was always touched by that story.
Second I really injoyed your section on spending time with your inlaws aside apart from your SO.
Third, as a man of faith, I really appreciate your inclusion of faith and trust in God. Thank you.
From a man’s point of view, there is a fine line to ride; We must not come accross as trying to people please, manifesting independance, strength and force of character along with fostering genuine development of mutual love and respect… its a challenge. I’ve found that my SO’s mother appreciates my willingness to be who I am without seeking to people please.
I am about to spend my first holiday with her family- thanksgiving. They are tradition-oriented and I find I must become informed beforehand of the traditions, but honestly, I am a free-spirit and traditions have often been a challenge to me. Honestly, I find it hard to see their value. I will be spending about three days with them and will probabaly have to sleep my SO’s mom’s couch… Ia m very independent and that is going to be a trial. Her mom has at least made the effort to ask what I might enjoy doing while visiting. I am very outdoorsy, and think hiking in nature would be great… I was wondering if you might have any suggestions for helping me to cope with staying at my SO’s mom’s and if not, maybe fill me in on what might be going through her, and the family’s mind as I visit. They know my SO and I are talking about marriage.
Thanks for the help.
-Q

Turns out I don’t need the advice afterall as I’ve been informed I’m no longer invited because they are mourning the loss of a family member who died a few weeks ago. SIncere or not I cannot tell. But thank you for allowing me to post.

What do you think? Talk to me. (Always be kind, or you'll be deleted!) Cancel reply

Hey, I’m Blair!

Thanks for stopping by!
I'm a small town Texas transplant, wife, and first time mommy-to-be. I believe in slow, simple, intentional living in lieu of the world's breakneck pace and write honestly with the hope of encouraging other women. Grab a cup of warm and enjoy!
(More about me here.)

Blair Lamb is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com.