Sunday, March 30, 2008

Why is it the books now days, and I don't mean drivel, yes being judgmental but I don't consider Jeffrey Archer a book, it's a novel. So by books these days, well they seemed more adult versions of what kids read in college. Again, I refer to those who read "for pleasure" as one agog girl put it at BC. Anyway, these books have more of a plasticy patent feel to them than the smell of those old books, the smell I like so much.

I want to read those books which stick.

Same can be said for music. Bands seem to come with a shiny cling wrap feel to them, rather than the grittier feel of Led Zepp at Knebworth

I know I really sound like those guys I used to meet at the steps of the college canteen but to be fair, I did give music its place in scheme of things.

Monday, March 17, 2008

I am quite terrified at the moment. So I worked hard to get where I am, work at a hedge fund, do well and make some money. Great. Now I am throwing it apparently or so it seems right now to move to India without a job (Why? Because I don’t have an MBA so they can’t hire me) to try and find a job in microfinance for a while applying to business school.Also, given the economy, b-school will be very competitive next year. So I have to apply to LBS, INSEAD, IIM and ISB as well in addition to the US Schools. And not just the first picks but the safeties as well.

I feel utterly fucked right now and I hate this feeling. It makes me nauseous, throwing away the familiar for the unknown, wondering if I am making a mistake that will last two years or so. I know I can work my ass off but it’s trying to find the opportunity.

I am leaving a city I know for one that has changed or one which is completely unfamiliar, a job that I was so happy with in the past for nothingness and a visa that keeps me away from the US unless I get into business school.

I just wish I could find some reassurance that I am doing the right thing, that things will work out, that I will be able to make something of this, that I will find work with a good microfinance place, I will study for the GMAT, get all the help I can on essays, get good reccomendations and next August be back in the US for business school, and then take things from there.

Instead, it’s that same feeling as holding on to the sluice at the deep end of the pool, when you look down, you just see your legs and can’t make out the bottom, that split second before your fingers let go and you start paddling, knowing that nothing can go wrong, that you know how to swim but unable to shake that nagging feeling that something will reach from below and pull you under and you wont be able to keep your nose above the surface.

Its…the kind of feeling that leaves you with an aching jaw at clenching too tight in your sleep, with the covers on the ground since you kicked them off, of looking in your face and trying to find the answers, searching every part of your mind to find a way out, to find a calm voice telling you not to worry and that it will be fine and not hearing anything back, finding meaning and something to hold on to and some kind of support, heck anything

Then again, as my father put it, he moved to India in his thirties without a job, a family and two kids and he still managed to make something of it.

I suppose I need to find my own strength and just snap out of this funk myself. I guess I’m in this situation partly to realize I can make something of an opportunity, to know that I can still get to where I want to be and allow for fluid plans and that I can handle this on my own

I suppose everything happens for a reason.

Or maybe that’s just what they tell you

Either ways, if anyone knows of microfinance opportunities in India, I have a great guy who, if nothing else, knows how to work his butt off and yeah, is crazy about learning as much as possible

A man who cultivates his garden, as Voltaire wished.He who is grateful for the existence of music.He who takes pleasure in tracing an etymology.Two workmen playing, in a cafe in the South, a silent game of chess.The potter, contemplating a color and a form.The typographer who sets this page well, though it may not please him.A woman and a man, who read the last tercets of a certain canto.He who strokes a sleeping animal.He who justifies, or wishes to, a wrong done him.He who is grateful for the existence of Stevenson.He who prefers others to be right.These people, unaware, are saving the world

Thursday, March 06, 2008

“Here be dragons” wrote the old pirate captain in a rather well worn book I read as a kid.Or so I imagine. In a show of bravado and the desire to be ever the fearless one to his men, to feign knowledge of the remaining unknown, to conquer the uncharted, he drew dragons in its stead.

There aren’t parts of the world where they could be dragons. People seem to be everywhere, reducing the world and killing the imagination.

We live in a world teeming with activity, a frenetic pace from the first scream as air fills our lungs to the last rasps, perhaps finding rest only in those moments when we accept inevitability. And in between, the Red Queen’s Race. Wake, brush, dress, work, smile, rest, sleep, repeat. And find the time to have meaningful relationships with others…with others.

I still want the places in the world where I can find dragons. I don’t mean this in the same sense as Francis Drake. I’m trying to find a place where I am cut off from the steel snakes underground ferrying millions of lives back and forth, each an individual cookie cutter. I’m trying to plot the unknown in my head, to develop a meaningful relationship with myself.In no way does this preclude others nor does it demonstrate a self indulgence/obsession.

It’s just that it has been a while since I’ve gone looking to get lost, to sit alone outside some where and feel like people are still building lives, still getting their hands dirty to build something from the ground up.I am looking for a place where I can be alone, in my head and find the uncharted bits that have developed when I wasn’t looking, the bits that have developed over the past three years, find the dragons and see how fearful they really are and at the very least become acquainted with them.

It’s impossible to plot a course without knowing the gaping holes, without shying away from what’s within.

I want to see myself in perspective with, for the lack of a more romantic word, the planet, to be able to sit on a hill somewhere and look down and out on an endless view with no sign of another human being, to forget and to get lost and see myself as alone and free of everything.

What I hope to achieve from a seemingly idyllic activity is to find that rush, that tiny hint of perspective we get when we sit on a beach alone and see the sun cross the horizon, or look up far from a city to the night sky or lie on our back and see the clouds that drift by, that tiny sliver of perspective of how short life really is and what the point of it may be. The answer isn’t out there or up there either, it’s that tiny click when the piece falls into place, that life really is short and the whole point of it really is to experience as much of it as you can for, in the end, there may be nothingness.And it’s to experience that unique sense of satisfaction and peace when the cogs finally turn and that unknowable smile spreads itself and when you feel a little bit closer to yourself .It’s only when you experience that do you realize that a insofar idyllic activity of lying alone somewhere is replete with meaning, that you don’t have to run in one place to find happiness, that lying like that is as full of meaning as working hard or developing a relationship with a person.

It’s when loneliness turns to solitude, when meaning is found in the simplest of things and a smile without reason is good enough.

Monday, March 03, 2008

1. I love you, sleep well and I'll be there to take care of you before you know it 2. No, it isn't all that it's cracked up to be here. Yes, it's a great city but awfully lonesome 3. I'm sorry. Yes, I did hurt you and I see now it was best that we went our own way. But I still like talking to you 4. I feel really sad that I missed seeing you grow up and that you are a person I barely know. But I hope to change that 5. Yes but now I'm my own biggest critic. No, it's not fun 6. You shouldn't have said that one needs to go out there and create opportunities. You should have told me the truth 7. Stop being scared of failure, heck, you know that if you don't try, you'll never win 8. I'm sorry I led you to believe I could give you more 9. Don't call your self a feminist. Who you are changes with the boy de jour 10. I promise to never lie to you, even if it means causing you pain

Nine Things About Yourself

1. I live in my head 2. I believe we all chose this life before we were born, the experiences, trials and tribulations were hand picked so that we could learn as much as possible. 3. It takes a long long time to get to know me. I don't know why that is, there seem to be a fair number of reasons 4. I go insane if I am bored. Really 5. I am a geek and proud of it 6. I can wiggle my ears, turn my tongue over, touch the tip of my thumb to the underside of my arm and have size 11 feet 7. I regret spending so much time being conscious of others 8. I am a planner and even know details of the house I want to build one day. On the whole, this may lead to much unhappiness if I fail to get what I think will make me happy 9. I am very stubborn, obstinate and all around a difficult person to date. I can have this sufficiently proven. Heck, I wouldn't date me. But then again, I am one of the more interesting people I know so yes, I think I have a bit of an ego

:)

Eight Ways To Win Your Heart

1. Give me space when I need it. I treasure the time spent alone when I need it, just to regain balance 2. Rationally explain things to me when I'm doing my headless chicken impression 3. Talk to me, lapses of silence from my end mean something is bothering me and I would like to know you are there 4. Come to me with your problems because that makes me feel I can take care of you 5. Talk to me about stuff I am interested in. If I get all jabbery, that means you piqued my curiosity 6. Witty come backs are always appreciated 7. Appreciate the music I love, it's not necessary but doesn't hurt! 8. Give me a handwritten note. I promise to save it

Seven Things That Cross Your Mind A Lot

1. Where will I be at the end of the year 2. Will I get in to a B-school program I like 3. When can I have a normal relationship 4. How do I occupy my time 5. Will I make us happy 6. Will I rebound back if I do fall 7. Why wont the cable wire stay under the clip and how does it come undone every three days?

Six Things You Regret

1. Being an introvert in school 2. Being scared of getting hurt and not acting on things sooner 3. Being a slacker when it came to exercise 4. Being emotionally unavailable to the people closets to me 5. Over thinking things 6. Being insecure

Five Turn-Off's

1. Bad nails 2. Bad breath 3. An idiotic glaze when I talk about anything that may just be interesting 4. An attractive person who knows it and uses it as their biggest asset 5. Snooty people when it comes to social circles

Four Turn-On's

1. The smell on her as she gets out of the shower 2. A genuine, loud laugh 3. Her voice in my ear telling me things no one else is supposed to hear 4. Lips that aren't just a thing, straight line

Three Things You Want To Do Before You Die

1. Walk the 750km pilgrimage across northern Spain 2. Have a photography exhibition 3. Go up a mountain away from everything, sit alone and feel anonymous