Monday, March 25, 2013

Remember this old chestnut from the NFL season that has helped make me an internet sensation? Well, it's back. No one cares. Anyway, RibFest happened on Saturday and was another great success as the number of attendees was through the roof. We were even blessed with an appearance by Prime via FacePrime. It will be hard for me to ever eat a meal again without FacePrime. The much anticipated Drew/Seal showdown took place with me in the Don King role. It was quite cordial. Ide wasn't nearly as belligerent as the last time I saw him. Cakes was really caking it up yet admitted that Ohio really pissed him off (FINALLY!). Iceman set the bar record at their pop-a-shot game. Actually, he obliterated it so we have a famous athlete among us. And other stuff happened. Good times! Until next year! How about we laugh at the losers of March Madness now? But first...

Our waitress at Barley's - Hey whore, when you say that you can split the appetizers across everyone's bills, that does not mean that it is OK just to have G$ and Mr. Ace pay for them entirely. YOU LIED TO ME! Did you not see Mr. Ace's incredible retro White Sox hat? What about my ELITE t-shirt? So not only do I entertain daily, I also provide wings and sauerkraut balls to you ruffians.

Jamie Dixon - I hate everything about this guy. His hair is just the worst. Nice shitty team.

Marquette - Listen up, assholes, no one likes you. Lose already. Every sane person in 'merica loves Davidson and Butler yet you fluked your way to wins over both. I hate you. No one wants to watch you play basketball! Just go away.

The Mountain West and Big East - OK, enough is enough, let's just start moving all of these teams down a few seeding spots. These conferences (outside of L'ville) are terrible.

Keith Dambrot's All Gay Makeout Parties - LOLOLOLOLOL! If you want a good chortle, google why the Akron coach was fired by Central Michigan years ago. It is why I will always hate him and never respect the Zips. So needless to say, I was quite pleased that they lost by a million to Shaka on Thursday night. Don't use the flu as an excuse--only one of those guys actually played.

Steve Alford and Mike Brey - I was telling this to people at RibFest and it remains true: you can't win in March with more than one big white oaf. You can get away with one, but not two. Not in today's game. They create disadvantages all over the floor because they can't defend and any decent 6'7" guy is going to beat them on the glass. NM and ND played two ogres at the same time almost the entire game and they are both home now. NO OGRES IN MARCH.

Bo Ryan - Even though it allowed Marshall Henderson to advance, Wisconsin losing is always great. That Evans kid with the Johnny U haircut is so terrible.

Bruce Weber - LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! What a shit coach! Is there anything better than the refs blatantly ignoring him when he's trying to call a timeout? I think not.

Shabazz and Ben Howland - Citgo! DING! That firing was a long time coming. Shabazz is such an asshole. Apparently no one knows how old he is now, too? Let's get Donald Trump on it! SHOW ME YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE, HUSSEIN!!! By the way, who said that UCLA would lose by 20 to an 11 seed only to watch them lose by 20 to an 11 seed???

Dexter Morgan - Go ahead and look at Jeff Withey's dead, soulless eyes. That 7 foot swatting machine is totes a serial killer. Let's get him on Dexter and give him a name like the South Beach Swatter or something.

John Thompson The Worst - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA five straight years of losing to a double digit seed!!! The alley-oop that FGCU threw up will not be topped as the play of the tournament. That was so ELITE.

FGCU's Coach - Sorry, BRAH, but millions of BRAHs across the country jerked off to your ex-supermodel wife (Amanda Marcum) on Friday night. Oh man, she should get her own One Shining Moment video. She has some pretty decent pictures out there if you are interested AND YOU ARE.I DUMB? - Apparently, I have done the impossible and motivated WE ON to play incredible basketball finally. Mitch McGary is finally contributing positively. The shitty sons of ELITE dads are playing well. I don't like this. My boy, Shaka, was supposed to take care of these shits!

Derrick Nix - INSANE MAN. Punches Zeller in the nuts. Clotheslines Aaron Craft. Starts towel fight with teammate during a timeout. This man should be in jail. I can't wait to see what he has in store for that Plumlee cock.

The A-10 - Ouch. That was a rough Saturday with Butler, VCU, and STL all getting pooped on.

Mark Few - Poor Bulldogs. I wanted them to prove the haters wrong so much and at least get to the Sweet 16. But they sucked and now they go home. We're starting to run out of Cinderellas this year (Oregon does not count).

Aaron Craft - UGH...UGH...UGH! Such a fluke and probably the dumbest decision in the history of basketball that somehow worked and infuriated smart people like me. There is no way that Potato Nose called a TO and said "Hey faggot, go out there and pull a LeBron". No chance. Potato Nose probably drew up some intricate web of screens and whatnot in order for Queer Boy to not take the shot. Yet there he was, running the clock down like a dipshit and throwing a miracle slider into the goal from 23 feet away. It might have even been a slurve. Whatever it was, it was definitely all luck and no skill. U MAD BRO? YEAH MAD BRAH because everything is always coming up Milhouse for Craft. I was the only one to pick the Cyclones in The Nut, too, because I'm fucking smart and those points were ripped out of my sexy claws. FUCK ALL Y'ALL! That finish is on YOU, Seal. FUCK YOU.

Charles Barkley - Stupid Ohio Buckeye fans don't understand Charles because they only see him for one or two weekends a year. Charles is paid to be loud and give his opinion and also be funny. You don't get this because you have ridiculously thin skin. Chuck is always going to do what he does because he has a microphone and a camera and you have a Twitter account that no one reads. Deal with it.

That being said... - That "hover" call wasn't a bad call and I don't get why they couldn't drop it. We all hate the Ohio Buckeyes but focus on something else that is terrible...like Mike Trout yelling "CRAZY" in the Subway commercial as if he just learned how to talk yesterday. You know what, fuck this. Anything else that happened yesterday is going to get ignored because I'm still pissed that the worst shooter on the planet made an awful play and then made me sad. As that old guy Jerry said on Big Brother, "SCREW ALL YOU PEOPLE!" Go Arizona. End this bullshit nightmare already. I'm tired of hearing about the apple-cheeked cocksucker. I need some FacePrime to ease my pain.

Wow. That was long. In conclusion, I would like to thank all of you that attended RibFest this year and remind everyone that Oregon coach Dana Altman looks exactly like The Governor. They might even be the same person. Phil Knight definitely has "replacement eye" money.

38 comments:

Anonymous
said...

Aaron Craft is a BOSS.

Enjoyed meeting Brady Cakes and Slow Seal.

The West region is full of LOLZ.

Screw pictures of the Gulf Coast wife....have you guys seen pictures of their campus?!?! Their dorms are on the fucking beach. It looks like paradise. No wonder the great Urban Meyer would send one of his daughters there.

If you hated Ide on Saturday, you should have seen him yesterday. He left his shit in my car on Sat and said that he would come over to pick it up on Sunday before he left. Hours passed. Texts were sent asking where he was. He was drinking with Dut all day. At about 10 pm, he calls me asking where I live (drunker than shit while operating Dut's 'stang). I naturally tell him that I can't tell him that unless he tells me where he is. About ten seconds later I'm screaming at him to shut the fuck up so I can help him. They end up going the wrong direction because they are idiots. I have to go meet them at Kroger because they are literally too dumb to follow directions and either don't have GPS on their phone or have no clue how to work it. I'm screaming at them out the window as I pull up how much of an asshole both of them are. They look at me as if I'm a God. They left and had no idea where they were going because OBVZ shit-faced. Dut was pretty sure that Ide missed his flight since he allowed himself an ELITE 15 minutes to get to the airport before his flight left last night while driving in a snowstorm.

THOSE TWO ARE THE WORST. How is it even possible to drive when they are giving each other road head at the same time?

I'm still pissed about Queer Boy pulling up and taking a shot that he makes less than I do and I haven't shot a basketball in a decade.

Like I said, I didn't have an issue with the "hover" but my big problem is all the charges today. If you have a complaint, start with the fact that you allow guys to slide in after a shooter has left his feet and reward them with a charge call. They need to stop that somehow. Maybe extend the restricted area farther out or something.

I was a big fan of Cakes. I'm thinking about taking him under my wing and developing him into my protege. Admitting that he hates the Ohio moniker was a great start.

That was fucking tremendous. I can't tell you how satisfying it was to here him say that. If only Ace was still there to hear it.

Was there any doubt I would be lights out at pop a shot? There has never been a more wet jumper in the history of basketball.

After we left whatever bar we were at...we went to this joint called Dub Pub. Damman and Swihart came with us. Randomly ran into Seal there and started doing shots with him, and the guys from JBeanie. I know I was speaking words for most of the time. I just have no idea what those words were as Rumplemintz was doing most of the talking. All I can tell you is those guys are pretty cool, they LOVE the HarBRAHs and the explanation I gave them on how I created that segment had to be even more hilarious than that. Because even as I was attempting to drunkenly describe how the BRAHs came to fruition, even my own head was calling me names and laughing at how stupid I was sounding. I'm sure Seal can give a more accurate description of that night as 3 hours later I was puking ribs in my brother's front yard.

"I'm still pissed about Queer Boy pulling up and taking a shot that he makes less than I do and I haven't shot a basketball in a decade."

Had the pleasure of listening to the town drunk, Paul Keels, announce that play. As he screamed like a 10 year old at a Beiber concert, I made and audilbe PFFFFFTTTT! noise and shook my head in disgust. Then my brother says, who isn't a basketball fan, "I would be fuckin pissed if the worst shooter on the team hit that shit to beat my team." Even a non basketball fan knows that Craft is the worst. My brother also played football with Craft's brother at U Findlay. Not surprising...he said Craft's brother is a twat.

I just can't possibly fathom that play. I'd like to see the Heat run the same thing but their defensive ace (or Ape) Shane Battier waving everyone off for a pull-up three while far superior shooters are just standing around watching their dicks get smaller. Made no sense but it seemed fitting since I now own Jut Verlander in fantasy baseball. I deserved that finish for drafting him.

At least I didn't use 5 of the 21 roster slots on guys that are out for at least a month like Dut. I play him in week one. CAN'T WAIT!

I fully enjoyed FacePriming with you guys and wish I wasn't driving in the middle of fucking nowhere at the time. I could have given you more fashion tips about where I got my sunglasses and whatnot. That said, at least Iceman made good on his dinner coming back out of his body in a painful way (wrong hole, so I do not qualify for the -25 NUT prediction.)

This pop-a-shot game- was it regulation (like the ones at an ESPN Zone) or a mini hoop? Regulation balls or small balls?

LaSalle can get fucked. I will continue to pick against them over and over. At least they ended Marshall Henderson's run. That guy is a phenomenal butt plug of a human.

The best part of FacePrime was Prime getting the best of Ide with verbal jabs. 2,000 miles away and Prime is still > Ide. The worst part of FacePrime is that I could tell it was about 80 and sunny in SacTown while it was about 20 here. I did not like that one bit.

The pop a shot game was about a 7 foot rim with girls balls. The bar wasn't THAT high class. But that just shows off my versatility as a shooter.

True story....there was a legit retarded person at the Goose on Saturday. I have no idea why someone brought him there....but he was there. I only wish I would have seen him before meeting Slow Seal, so I could have brought him over and said I met Slow Seal.

I know you are pissed that all of a sudden Aaron Craft has turned into an ELITE all around player over the course of the last 10 games. However, you are correct in that Thad did not draw up the final shot like that. They actually called the same play they did to beat MSU in the B1G tournament where Buckets would get a screen, take the pass, and pull up at the top of the key. However, ISU guarded that play well, but switched defenders leaving the freshman center out at the perimeter to guard Craft. Knowing he was ill equipped to be guarding someone much quicker, he hedged towards the lane. Craft realized he was going to get a wide open shot, waved off Buckets, and pulled up for the greatest shot of the tourney. Afterwards, Thad said he agreed with the read made by Craft and that he will be able to live with any decision Craft makes.

Jeff you are much less white trash than most Steelers fans - you should probably come over to the Browns side - great bullshitting with you, man. Grumpy, sorry I cant say the same.

Running into Iceman and Damman at the next bar was awesomely terrible. Hilarious conversations, leading to more yeager bombs, leading to laughing at Rosie rub his boner all over girls on the dance floor at the Dub Pub, made for a great night. As J from JBeanie put it - "he was doing the lords work, on the dance floor."

Craft is one hell of a free throw shooter. Worst free throw shooting point guard ever? Yeah I think so.

The two games we saw yesterday made up for the shitters we saw on Friday, for sure. I hate Indiana.

LS, I'm not saying that he isn't a terrific player. He can't be ELITE all-around though when you shoot sliders. That was a miracle and a dumb decision and everyone knows it (like Ide and Dut making it home last night...seriously, you two are idiots). You assholes didn't deserve that.

What the fuck is the deal with the favorites making buzzer beaters anyway? That is not how the tournament is supposed to work, dammit! Basically, FUCK YOU MARQUETTE!

I like that Comer kid from FGCU. He just whips Pistol Pete passes all over the place and has tremendous swag. I also enjoyed hearing that Sherwood Brown has 80 kids already and he is in college. FGCU Coach Wife for President. Len Elmore had a huge chub over her.

This is much is clear: Derrick Nix hates white people and Duke is full of them. at about 5:00 left in the first, Nix will go up with what he believes to be a subtle elbow to Plumlee's face, but it will be obvious as fuck. Plumlee will bleed from his lip or nose. Nix will get a Flagrant 1 and get his ass chewed by Izzo. In the end, Plumlee will go off after that and Nix will look like an idiot for pissing off one of the best players in the country.

Derrick Nix runs like he has a turd halfway out of his butt at all times. I can't wait until Nix is in the NBA and tries to out thug DeMarcus Cousins. That will be LOL television every time.

I was just told by my older brother that he lost count of the number of rumplemintz shots I did Saturday night at 10. No fucking wonder I ralphed. And my little brother chalked up another ELITE sex story later that night. One that is inappropriate...even for this site.

-I wish I had more time to talk to Grumpy but eating flesh seemed more important at the time. It was funny to watch the group shame him into going to the bar with us though. At least you got to smell weed for most of the night!

-I was tricked into admitting "Ohio Buckeyes" bothers me. Let's just all act like it didn't happen.

-Ace's hat was AWESOME even though the sox can suck a dick.

-I've never been called "cakes" that many times in five hours.

-Damman was very disappointed in me when I told him I would want the Browns to win a title before the Indians. I'm sticking to it, brah!

-The reggae band was awful and I'm down with pretty much any reggae.

-Ide was very entertaining. I personally liked the time when the fat girl sat next to him in the booth and instead of just moving, we sat there and laughed for five minutes. I'm sure she felt good about herself at the end of the night.

-Drew and I talking about the Buckeyes quickly regressed into arguing about baseball. ALCS OR BUST!

-Had an awesome time meeting Dut, Seal, Jeff and everyone else as well. I should've cancelled my cats' quinceanera last year to attend. It won't happen again in the future.

*Merle was 100% right. Rick is a fucking pussy. There is no way that he would have turned her over to Woodbury.

*By the way, that was an ELITE episode. Needs to be said. We lost a great man, but it turned out pretty great with the potential of Darryl going Shane for revenge.

*No Andrea = win

*Merle's car-jacking skills are pretty terrible but his "drinking cheap whisky while jamming to MOTORHEAD(!) are the best. FUCKING MOTORHEAD! That's how I want to go...housed on booze with Ace of Spades blaring.

*Maggie should have said no to Glenn. That scene pretty much guaranteed that one of them dies next week, right? That is how this world works.

*LORI IS BACK! GOD DAMMIT, RICK, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!

*Awesome and awful last scene with Darryl having to kill his zombified brother. But that is the world in which they live. Terrific episode leading up to the finale next week.

The Showdown should be crazy. I feel like the Guvnah is going to make it out alive. And they have developed Martinez too much to kill him off next week. I think it is Hershel's time to go. And whatever that dykes name is. Daryl is out for blood and won't be protecting her anymore.

-Ide was very entertaining. I personally liked the time when the fat girl sat next to him in the booth and instead of just moving, we sat there and laughed for five minutes. I'm sure she felt good about herself at the end of the night.

I don't know how many times I have to tell you guys. I PURPOSELY do not introduce my friends/relatives to you guys because you all embarrass me. And if you really wanted to meet them you can simply introduce yourselves. I mean...you guys aren't shy. You're hanging out with guys you met on the Internet for Christ sake.

The Jordan story will be told in closed quarters. For reasons that will be clear once the story has been revealed.

I can't believe it's already the season finale next week. I'll hold my zombie comments because I've been forced I iPhone comment today and I do not want to type that much on a hand held device.