Schumacher to mentor Mercedes Junior Team

Michael Schumacher is to act as a mentor to the re-established Mercedes Junior team, guiding three young drivers as they gain experience in the DTM. "I clearly remember the early stages of my career and what I gained from my
time in the Mercedes-Benz Junior Team" said Schumacher. "I'm excited to see how Christian, Roberto and Robert develop... I enjoyed meeting them in Barcelona
to offer a few tips from my own experiences. "

Listen and learn goldilocks, here's a flavour of how I'll be moulding these guys. Lesson 1: "Damonize your opponent". This is to be employed in a crisis situation where your own car is critically damaged in a title decider. Leave just enough space for your rule abiding competitor to try to take advantage before closing the door. Potential Result: F1 title. Possible Sanctions: Not applicable.

Contoversial Jacques is going to stick his neck on the line here and say the Adelaide incident is perhaps one of the most shocking conclusions to a world title fight, and a chilling prelude to the trauma I had to endure at Jerez in 1997.

Bringing us neatly to: Lesson 2: "The Jacques Attack". As in Lesson 1, leave enough space for your rule abiding title opponent to attempt a pass before turning in as normal. This is to be avoided unless there is sufficient tarmac run-off in the event of unsatisfactory contact. Potential Result: F1 title if succesful, one very upset Canadian twat. Possible Sanctions: meaningless championship exclusion, season wins intact.

It's not always so easy, bringing us to: Lesson 3: "Do La Rascasse". An apparent loss of control at this deceptively simple, low speed hairpin, will block the track thus nullifying your opponents qualifying run. Caution must be exercised in ensuring some superficial front wing damage to convince the stewards of authenticity. Potential Result: Pole position if exercised properly. Possible Sanctions: Demotion to back row of grid.

So to my final nugget of wisdom, and possibly my favourite.
Lesson 4: "The Barrichello". To be employed on an ad-hoc basis against any bitter, irritating, ex-teammate. Simply move across your opponent's racing line on an acute angle trajectory towards the pit-wall. For maximum "impact", ensure to start the move early in the pit-straight. Potential Result: One pissed-off Brazilian. Possible Sanction: meaningless 10-place grid drop.

I'm afraid to say I can't claim to have invented that one, your hero patented that move at Estoril in '88 Hamilton. I believe the pit-board guys caught a whiff of Prost's soiled overalls as he passed underneath them.