We live in an ever changing, constantly moving culture. Over the past two decades our interactions with people shifted from person’s center to convenience centered. When I dated my husband 20+ years ago, we could only talk on the phone from a land line. If we wanted to communicate that was one of three options, the other options included seeing each other face to face or write letters and have the pony express deliver them. We didn’t have constant contact with each other via text messages or video chatting, rather we needed to have patience and make the time together really count.

I’ve seen my own relationship with my husband and my family shift in the past 10 years. Here’s a few questions to ask to take inventory of your relationship with people vs. social media:

Do you show your partner and/or family more affection than you do your smartphone?

Do your followers or fans know more about your life than your partner/family or friends?

In the quiet moments at night are you sneaking a peek at your wall or newsfeed rather than your partner?

Your family, friends or partner feel the need to text, tweet or IM you to get your attention.

Do you know more about pop culture and social media happenings than what is happening in your own home or family?

I can’t answer these questions for you, only you can do that. This is a great way to take inventory of how you are being perceived by the people who need to count in your life. It’s true if you are sloppy with the time you spend in your relationships then you may find yourself alone at the end of the day.

Admittedly, I’m guilty of doing some of the items on this list. Thankfully, I have a decent amount of intuition that allows me to notice when something is off in my life, so I make a shift to get back on track. I adore my husband and my kids, they mean everything to me and I want them to know that. There is nothing, and I mean nothing on social media that can replace good old fashioned family time or a date night with the love of your life. I’m not going to tell you how to run your relationship, I get that times have changed and that people have become accustomed to technology. I’m right there with you, I’m merely suggesting that you give your time, and undivided attention to the relationships that really matter to you.

Feeling like you matter makes a person feel full, loved, and that is the best way to show you actually care about someone. The best way to show this is to look someone in the eye, put your phone away, turn it off if you need to. We’ve lost our ability to focus and be with someone without distraction. It’s just a muscle that’s weakened over time because we have been spending so much time working on several things at once.

Be the person who makes a difference, starting with you. Who is it that you need to give your undivided attention to? Can you give them 10 minutes of your time without the distraction of your smart phone? How will that impact your relationship? Will it enhance it? Will it show that there is nothing to talk about? What will you do? Who is worth fighting for? What is the story of your relationships? How will it be different than the norm? Whose eyes do you wish to get lost in?

Often times when working with clients, they ask questions about their relationships. They want to know how they can balance their relationships with their passion. I see this all the time. I’ve been with my amazing husband since I was 13 years old. I’ve been married for nearly 20 years, it doesn’t get any easier. Finding balance in your relationship(s) takes work, like everything else.

It seems that our culture has somehow mislead us to think that once we get married that our husbands will make us happy and we will dance off into the sunset. I’m so glad it’s not like that in reality. That would be boring. Rather, it’s the opposite; any relationship takes work, a lot of work and attention. I’d like to debunk a few myths or misunderstanding around creating a relationship that has balance with what you are passionate about.

Marriage (relationships) are 50/50:

Nope, not even close. Relationships of any kind must be 100/100. When each party puts in 100% and takes responsibly for their 100% investment of their all, it makes a huge impact. Giving your relationship your all, shows that you care and that you can be trusted. Be vested and take responsibility for your short comings rather than point out theirs.

You need to make your partner happy:

Boy do I remember facing this one early in my marriage. Thankfully, I had a wise woman in my path who reminded me that I didn’t want to be responsible for my husband’s happiness. Was it fair for him to be responsible for mine? I’m so glad she reminded me of that. Growing up with so many princess fairy tale movies, somehow I really expected my husband to make me happy. When I wasn’t happy it was easy to point my finger to him and think, hey, you need to do more because I’m not happy. How truly immature and silly. Happiness is your responsibly. You need to learn how to be happy yourself; no one else can do that for you.

White lies aren’t really lies:

Yeah, I’ve done this too. This is the classic example of misleading someone by not divulging information. Forfeiting information doesn’t mean you haven’t lied; in fact that’s exactly what it means when someone is asking you a direct question. This ruins relationships all the time. A lie is a lie, if you don’t want to share something with the person you are in a relationship with, then you may want to think twice before doing it. Honesty is not overrated in relationships; it’s simple. Tell the truth from a place of love. Sometimes it’s hard to be honest but it’s better to be honest and face the consequences than cause a division because of a lie. Have courage and tell the whole truth.

You can have a strong relationship without intimacy:

Ok, first of all why would you want to have a relationship without intimacy? I’m not just talking about sex; I’m referring to a deep connection with people. Intimacy looks different in different relationships. Your personal “love” relationship needs to have intimacy. Thus, don’t share your bedroom stories with anyone outside of your bedroom. I see women do this all the time. Keep your bedroom sacred. Yes, it’s ok to ask a counselor, coach or mentor for some advice but only share what is absolutely necessary. Sharing your intimate stories with others, takes away the intimacy. It’s meant to be experienced by the people who were there. It’s same way when you go on a retreat or a special event where you experience significant personal growth. No one outside of that group will ever truly understand what happened, so allow it to remain as pure as it was intended to be. Intimacy is the thing that binds people together. In your love relationship intimacy is allowing your partner to see the real you, the whole you, and to embrace you, your body and all that you are. On the other hand, it’s important for you to receive others as they present themselves to you in the relationship. No one is perfect, and we need to accept people where they are on their individual journey. This is especially true in our love life. We will also experience some close relationships with friends where we give them part of ourselves to share a common bond of friendship.

Relationships are all about you:

Not! On the contrary, relationships are not about you, you have an active role and responsibility in a relationship but it’s not all about you. It’s about making sacrifice, compromise and providing open communication. That’s not to say that you won’t get your way from time to time but it’s about seeking out and learning what makes the other person happy, that you also find joy in. When we spend too much time focusing on what we want, how we want it, we don’t really need anyone else to be in the relationship. If you want to be in a relationship with yourself then it can be all about you. Being an active participant in a relationship means that you need to take the other person’s perspective, ideas, needs and desires into consideration. Not that you are going to do what they say or want every time, but that they get a vote and a say.

Relationships offer us the opportunity to experience life, emotions and truly share in the adventure of life with other people. They require us to be patient, vulnerable, take risks, be open and face our fears. Finding balance is the key. I’ve learned that in order to find balance you must communicate and support each other. Build each other up and encourage people to be their best and to follow their dreams. Keeping in balance also requires putting in the time, especially in your love life. You have to make time for the people you care about. Whatever you put before your relationships, will likely be the wedge in them. Don’t have time for relationships? Then you better get used to being alone. Make time, make people a priority and have shared experiences with them. This is what balanced relationships look like.

Follow your dreams, passions and let your life be full, but remember to allow opportunity for input and listen. I always say, everything in moderation. Follow your passion, do what it takes to follow your dreams but include other people. Allow them to have a say and be true to yourself, seek compromise when needed and be honest with them and more importantly, with yourself.

Do you relate? Do you find that you have balance in your relationships? Please take a moment to share what works for you and the areas that you’ve been most successful. I love hearing from my readers, especially their success.