Simon Smug and the Intruder

On Saturday, whilst watching himself on TV, Simon Cowell’s house was broken in to and he came face to face with a young, female intruder.Simon had heard a noise from his bathroom, so went to investigate. When he entered, he could see that the window was smashed and that there was a woman standing outside on a flat roof. She was holding a rock and had blood on her hands. Simon tried to talk to her (he probably asked “do you know who I am??”) but she started to scream and smash the rock into the window, causing more damage. At this point, Simon ran and fetched a member of his security staff, who then called Scotland Yard. The police arrived and searched the property, eventually finding Leanne Zaloumis (who I can only assume is mental) hiding on a shelf. She was arrested and I believe that she has been prosecuted for aggravated burglary with intent (is there such a thing as aggravated burglary WITHOUT intent??).

I think that it would be rather terrifying for anyone to come face to face with a mentalist, trying to smash their way into your house. I don’t mind admitting that if someone was in front of me, covered in blood, screaming and wielding a rock, I would probably make a very hasty retreat. It’s probably safe to assume that most people would do exactly the same thing.

However, what makes this all the more amusing is the amount of smugness in Simon’s approach to security. In 2007, Simon said:

“I’ve spent hundreds of thousands of pounds on the very best security and I can assure you my homes are as safe as the Bank of England”

So, just to clarify, Simon’s homes are as safe as the Bank of England, yet a mental woman was able to smash a window with a rock and get into his house. I’m not a criminal by any means (although I have eaten Quorn on one occasion; this was purely accidental) but my instinct would be to break into a house by smashing a window. The people that Simon paid hundreds of thousands of pounds to for the very best security should perhaps review their products and the security advice given out to smug people.

Unfortunately, I’m unable to offer any sympathy, purely because Simon is a smug twat. A bucket load of money hasn’t kept the loonies out. His own television production company and talent show doesn’t make him an expect on talent. Jumper sleeves haven’t been rolled up since the 80’s.

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About Ninja Hedgehog

I’m Ninja Hedgehog, the creator of the Ninja Hedgehog website. I've written various things over the years but started Ninja Hedgehog in October 2011. I write about all kind of subjects but will never write about sport. Ever.