This Week In Netflix And Streaming: ‘All Cheerleaders Must Die’, ‘Transcendence’

Welcome to the Streaming Column, a column that involves advice on what to stream, helpful dog training techniques, and of course all the jokes and references to people’s moms you’ve come to love and expect! This week, I’m going to have to pull out a bunch of my writer tricks including (but not limited to) subterfuge, chicanery, flimflam, and obfuscation. Why all the tomfoolery? There’s so little going on right now! I realize I complain about this every week, and we play our little mind games with each other, but this time around I think the Netflix Streaming gods may have decided to really screw with me. Seven titles, seven chances to find streaming bounty. Let’s get it on.

Top Netflix Streamer of the Week (streaming)
“All Cheerleaders Die”
Strong title, strong imagery, strong trailer. After that it’s probably bad news. This premiered at TIFF a few years back and didn’t make many waves. You wanna make waves, especially if you’re a cheeky little horror. Jerk critics line up all day to support tripe such as that.Streamability: Drunk, or possibly on a bachelor party weekend. Other than that, nah.

Netflix Curio of the Week (streaming)
“Harry and His Bucket Full of Dinosaurs: Season 1”
I have so many questions. The dinosaur wiggling his tail in such a cute manner makes me feel like we’re really not preparing our children for time travel back to the dino age very well. They’d just get eaten, they’d get eaten right up. “Why isn’t he wiggling his tail?”, they’d wonder, as an alpha predator stalked them. I tell you, our education system is in shambles.Streamability: I watch stuff like this all the time, so that I can stay hip and with it. Can’t see why anyone else would though, unless you have little tiny non-prepared children.

The Netflix Tim Allen Memorial (streaming, July 26)
“Christmas with the Kranks”
Tim Allen used to be a huge deal. He had that show about home improvement that didn’t really help anyone at all, it was just the vehicle for Tim Allen to tell jokes. I’ll admit to reading his book, “Don’t Stand Too Close to a Naked Man” back in the day. But that was just the era. The Kranks the Klumps and the Fockers are all branches from the same poisoned tree, attempting to mine the fertile comedic ground that the Hendersons (of “Harry and the Hendersons”) and the Griswolds laid down before them. They DO NOT get there. However, if you want to decide for yourself, take it away, marketing copy!

A break from the frenetic activity of Christmas is what Luther Krank and his wife have in mind when they decide to skip the holiday, nixing the tree and the rooftop Frosty. But can they handle the fallout from their crestfallen family and neighbors?

Well CAN they?!!! Somehow, I bet they can.

Streamability: On a lark.

Random Netflix I Had to Point Out for Filler (streaming)
“New in Town”
This has actually been out a few months, but it’s new to me, and I refuse to see the world through other people’s eyes. From his old special there’s a bit called “The Salt and Pepper Diner” that made me giggle like a little school girl, all while I covered my mouth like a Japanese schoolgirl. I’m Multi-cultural schoolchildren? I can see the world through other’s eyes after all! Huzzah!Streamability: He’s a funny man.

Your Guess is as Good as Mine (streaming)
“The Samaritan”
I haven’t seen it, but as it’s one of the 712 movies that star Samuel L. Jackson, I’m keen to give it a watch.Streamability: In a pinch? Or maybe a choke hold?

Streaming Paid Title Only I Like (streaming)
“Transcendence” (Google / Amazon, $3.99)
Watching “Her”, this, and “Lucy” back-to-back would lead to some interesting conversations around your dinner table. You’d also probably come to the conclusion that we’re on the precipice of some very serious computer mayhem. If the dinosaurs don’t, these guys are definitely taking over. Singularity and whatnot. We’re gonna live forever. This streaming column will be brought to you by AOL (who will make a huuuuuge comeback) in 2087. Don’t get me wrong, the film has massive problems near the end. Before that though, I likey.Streamability: I liked it a lot more than most, but then again I’m super deep like that. [Vince’s Note: I too mostly liked it okay.]

And Finally … (streaming)
“Serenity”
A space western I really appreciate, a clear predecessor of “Guardians of the Galaxy”, is “Serenity”. This was Joss Whedon’s first feature film, before the “Avengers” noise, and I think it holds up. I like the mix of comedy and serious, working like a manual transmission. About five million people saw this in the theater, so you might have seen it since. If not, make a weekend plan around it. Serve BBQ.Streamability: Aye aye!

See you next week, friend of friends.

Laremy needs friends on Twitter. If you call him, he’ll be there. He’ll be around.

Transcendence: The editing was terrible. Too long in areas of no consequence and too short in the critical areas. Most importantly, the characterizations were way off. For instance, the entire movie hinged on the Will Caster character. His alleged compassion was the lynch pin. By the time he was absorbed into the AI, I had no idea if he really was a good guy or not. By then, my heart should have been bleeding for him and his wife. Zero chemistry. Oh well.

The only thing that could have even remotely improved Galaxy Quest is if the original cast of Star Trek (or even TNG) had played the roles. But then we wouldn’t have Grabthar’s Hammer, by Grabthar’s Hammer.

In grade school we would have stupid little polls for what show was everyone’s favorite. Home Improvement always won, even when faced with such competition as The Critic and The Simpsons. I always thought it was weird that the youngest son Mark went goth. But I guess that’s how it always happens in real life. Oldest son is the jock on the soccer team who gets caught with pot. Middle son has some sort of contract dispute because he’s a big star and gets some form of cancer and decides to spend some time in a foreign country. The youngest son turns his back on his only character trait (idolizing his father), and gets way into Marilyn Manson and making films (lets count our lucky stars the show ended before it had a chance to address the Columbine massacre).