It's not for the faint of heart.

Welcome to my slightly silly, often odd, and mostly messy life.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Healing from the Inside Out

I saw a show on t.v. last night that made me think. Pssst...not ALL television rots your brain. This was a medical drama / solve the mystery / based on real events kinds of thing where a beautiful, young, up and coming model drops dead. It's not until her autopsy that they find out she's riddled with disease. What was perfect on the outside was full of rot and decay on the inside.

That's exactly what my marriage was like - Pretty on the outside. It made me think about other marriages I've seen break up lately. It's a perfect euphemism for the cancer that grows inside some relationships, and how insidiously it can spread. You just never can tell what's really going on sometimes. Ethel called me earlier in the week to tell me about a family member getting divorced. This woman went to amazing lengths to have children - only to realize it's much harder than she anticipated. She moved out of her house and will pay her husband child support while he becomes the full time parent... WOW. I just can't imagine ever making that choice.

I'm sure there are many, varied issues going on that led to the divorce. There always is. It just seemed so out of the blue to people on the outside.

Which caused me to spend some time considering my own divorce, and the time since then I've spent trying to heal. I think I've been going about this the wrong way... I've always been highly aware of my "image" while I was married. It became very important to me to maintain the perception that everything was perfect. That has followed me into this new phase of my life. I've spent a lots of time and energy trying to make sure neighbors, friends, family, teachers, and former in laws see the "right things". I've forced the kids to participate in events they didn't want to for appearances. I've made mistakes and choices I'm not proud of to present the image of a happy, well adjusted, family.

I was going by the old saying, "Fake it till you make it." only it isn't working.... and if I was honest with myself up front I would have accepted that it's a bullshit excuse for not doing the hard work of dealing with our problems head on.

I think it's time to try a new tactic, I think it's time to start working from the INSIDE out. I think the issues my oldest child and I are having partially result from not dealing with the anger, fear, and level of disrespect that was rampant in our home prior to the divorce. I have to work on all of these issues inside our house, and inside our relationship and ourselves and not worry about how it looks to outsiders.

So our life isn't as pretty and glossy as it used to be - so what! At least we'll be healthy. In the end there is one universal truth... Beauty fades, you can't maintain the image of perfection forever. We can't pretend everything is okay if it's not. I'm not willing to live a lie like that anymore. I want better for myself and my kids.

3 comments:

I love this post - when I see discussions about when divorce is OK, I like to chime in that there are only two people who know what a marriage is really like. So yes ... pay attention to the inside first - it's what matters the most.

PS - Would you be interested in sharing your life after divorce story on my site?

About Me

There are many words to describe me. Survivor, Mother, Daughter, Lover. I'm engaged to an amazing man and exploring this second chance at happiness. I have four kids, two dogs, and one restraining order on my psychotic ex-husband. This is my place to be honest with myself and work through my multitude of issues. Grab a cuppa' Joe and stay awhile. There's more to me than meets the eye.

Followers

Cast of Characters

You'll often hear me refer to the following people in my life:

BLT: The Fiance'- a guitar player, artist, and all around freaking hot as hell man in my life. I'm not sure how I got so lucky to be honest. Good lord I hope he doesn't wise up and figure out he can do better!

Ethel: My best friend since childhood. She is the Ethel to my Lucy, and we get into rediculous and crazy spots together. Her patience with me is legendary. She should be sainted.

Chef: My oldest child - and an amazing cook, a teenage Paula Dean! This one has goals for the future that include the Air Force and Medical School.

Lady Bug: My second child. Very sweet, but very dramatic and a bit flakey. A lover of music, glitter and small animals.

TNT: My loud, willfull, and emotional third child. A lot of bang in a tiny package. Broken bones aren't uncommon. There is just too much energy and not enough healthy fear in this one!

Monkey Pants: The baby of the family. We know we spoil her... none of us can help it. She counts on those big doe eyes to keep her out of trouble. Sometimes it even works!

Fraggle: BLT's toddler. We hope to all be a family soon when Fraggle comes to live with us. Crazy curls and and an absolute show off in a tutu make her one of a kind.

X: The ex husband who is the major headache in my life. Released from jail after only 19 months for trying to shoot me... he is now doing everything possible to cause me grief through the courts while just barely toeing the line and not violating my restraining order. My daily prayers that he be eatten by rabid animals have gone unanswered.