﻿columns﻿

﻿(Circa 2001)﻿

Columns is a typical puzzle game, like Tetris. Only it looks more like it was made by the Greek than by communists. Normally, I find puzzle games fun but difficult. This one is an exception to both rules, because unfortunately, removing all the challenge from the game is as easy as pressing the pause button. Most puzzle games are smart enough to blank the screen out when you pause. This is so you can’t cheat by plotting where to put the current piece by just looking at the paused screen. Well, all that careful programming was gracefully ignored by the makers of this game and after level 25, I was effing bored and went on to play Revenge of Shinobi. *

*I hate my grammar check so much. My computer desperately urged me to change what you have just read into the following unreadable sentence: “The makers of this game and after level 25 gracefully ignored well all that careful programming, I was effing bored and went on to play Revenge of Shin obi.” I’d like to know just what the eff kind of dyslexic illegal alien wrote my grammar check. I’m offering a generous reward for his capture, which is getting to kick him in the balls until they bleed.

GRAPHICS: 7 The graphics are good, but that really doesn’t matter in a puzzle game, does it?SOUND: 6 Sound definitely does matter in a puzzle game. Certain Bust-A-Move games wouldn’t be nearly as fun if Kyle and I didn’t get to scream gibberish in unison with the game when a new player starts. Anyway, the sound in this game is fine, but I didn’t get to hear the music really well since I spent most of the game looking at the silent pause screen. Come to think of it, I use the same exact strategy in RPG battles.PLAY CONTROL: 4 The whole pause thing was retarded of Sega and its programmers. They took a good game and made it way too easy. Stupid Sega trying to be better than Nintendo. That’s like Jet Li vs. Jackie Chan. (Update: Since writing this, I have seen the movie The One. Jet Li is now way cooler than previously imaginable.)FUN: 4 It would have been funner if I didn’t press start after every other button I hit. And it’s not like I can just stop doing something like that once I’ve started; I become dependent. Let’s hope I never take up narcotics.

COLUMNS RATING: 5

I’m not gonna repeat myself; I think you can figure it out. Plus, the possession rating is at 0, so that doesn’t raise my opinion of the game either.