Read This First

In October of 2010 Erin was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. This blog is to record what is going inside Erin's mind. We don't know what all that will entail... But we are hoping that keeping a record of it will help in some manner. We also hope that maybe, just maybe, that we'll heal from whatever issues that we have and come out victorious.

All personalities or identities within Erin are invited to write here; each entry will be marked with who is writing.

If you are a survivor yourself, there are no trigger warnings on the entries... Please be careful as you navigate this blog. If you are a significant other of someone with DID/MPD, our hope is that this blog may be of some use to you, but please remember that every person with DID is very unique and must be considered as their own case.

Thank you for visiting!

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Blending -- Tommi & Morrigan

In therapy, we have been discussing a sub-goal with our counselor that we have come to call "Blending." Our current definition of Blending:

Two or more alters coming together in thought and behavior to the point where it may become difficult to distinguish where one stops and the other begins. Thoughts become aligned and are as one. However, the alters are still distinct and are in control of different functions.

We realize this definition is rather... confusing. However, due to the nature of Blending, it's a bit hard to define adequately. Instead, let us explain through our experiences with it.

As we have mentioned before, we work at a summer camp as an assistant cook. While we are working, Morrigan, Tommi, and Grace work together so seamlessly that we share thoughts and behavior. Morrigan tends to take the role of the "public face," interacting with the campers and speaking to the Counselors and cook for us. Tommi takes the role of controlling our body; he chops the vegetables, mixes the kool-aid, and makes sure we drink enough water. While Grace stays in the background (where she claims she cannot feel the heat nor our sweat) and feeds us energy from her own personal store. While we are Blending, we do not think "Oh, Morrigan needs to do this now," or "Tommi, cut that for us, will you?" It is seamless; we do not have to address each other to know exactly what must be done and who will do what. We have found that we can communicate with one another as individuals while Blending, but we have to concentrate in order to do that.

After work, we sit down, relax, and allow ourselves to separate and become very distinct yet again. The exciting thing about Blending is that we still know who is who while still being able to do what we need to do without stopping to directly communicate with one another.

We by no means want Blending to be our only existence because it's mentally taxing to maintain this state for a whole day. Also, it's like never being allowed to have alone time and we get rather tired of each other's company faster when we Blend. However, we feel this is a great alternative to Integration because it is a temporary state over which we have control. It is also a useful tool to have under our belt for when we have a part- or full-time job. Our counselor could not be more happy about our progress in this direction.

However, we have run into a potential downside to Blending.

The camp's head cook quit right after the lunch meal on Tuesday; fortunately, there was not an evening meal to prepare since it was scheduled for a pack-out, which is when they eat a meal at their units. The head cook promised us that he would not quit because he wasn't there for the money, he was there for the Counselors, the other assistant cook, and us. We took him for his word... And then he broke his promise. Morrigan, Tommi, and Grace immediately went into a meltdown. Honestly, it was Morrigan and Tommi who were freaking out, but Grace was drawn into the emotional break since she was Blended with them.

For the first time, there was no one to come out and take care of life while the rest of us freaked out inside. Ellie was available, but sending her out was not an option. So we were forced to deal with the stressful situation like any other average person. It was terrifying.

Fortunately, our bosses were very supportive and they alleviated our fears (that working int the kitchen would turn into how it was last year: a nightmare) and things were eventually okay. Morrigan even learned that sometimes it's okay to admit that you're not alright.

While this effect of Blending is manageable, and, honestly, healthy to learn how to handle, it is definitely an unexpected effect.

We really hope this hasn't been as confusing as it could have been. We're still trying to figure out how to explain this phenomenon. So if any clarification is needed, please ask! We really need the feedback.

(This article was written while Tommi & Morrigan were Blended together.)

4 comments:

Blending actually sounds similar to my own normal mindscape state. I usually describe it as either a hive mind or collective consciousness of sorts. I am usually on the opposite end, though (I use controlled splits while everything is still linked with similarities to the Borg from Star Trek or Naruto's shadow clone jutsu).

Your explanation of blending seems similar to the concept of dualizing from the NiGHTS series (a description and example of which can be found around 3:45 of http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9LVIgYi7og).

The World of Erin

Quick FAQ

1. The presence of two or more distinct identities or personality states; each with its own relatively enduring pattern of perceiving, relating to, and thinking about the environment and self.

2. At least two of these identities or personality states recurrentlytake control of the person's behavior.

3. Inability to recall important personal information that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.

(Criteria According to the Diagnostic Statistics Manual version IV [DSMIV])

Who is Erin?

The name of the body and the Original Personality. Erin's mind contains all of the identities that split from her and other identities created. We many identities are the ones who made this blog.

What posts should I read first?

"Discovering Multiple Personality Disorder" is probably where you would want to begin. The posts with the word "About" in the title are simply informational posts about individual alters or the rooms inside; these can be read in almost any order. The other posts should probably be read in chronological order.

For quick information, click on the "Within Erin" tab or "Terms to Know" tab. This will give you brief information about each Alter, the rooms, and other terminology that is useful for understanding the blog.

Links

Dissociative Blog Showcase -- An index of blogs regarding dissociation. Not all blogs are specifically about DID, but many are. Nor do all the blogs use trigger warnings, so please take care.

ISST-D-- The International Society of the Study of Trauma and Dissociation. The have information about various dissociative disorders and are a great place to look for accurate information.

Fort Refuge -- This is a website that can be helpful. Its forum contains helpful information for abuse survivors, disorder sufferers, and significant others. Here you can network with other people and make a support system for yourself. There is also a chat available to IM live with other people.

T W Crews -- This is another DID website with a lot of helpful information.

The Manual -- Written by Jeff Vineburg, the significant other of a DID family. This is a good resource for everything related to DID/MPD.

Do No Harm -- A non-profit group who's goal is to inspire people to create a better world by intentionally doing no harm to anyone, and, consequently, intentionally doing good.