Choosing to Enjoy the Journey

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Monthly Archives: October 2012

I found an ad in the paper today for an entrepreneurial program – I can apply, and they will teach me how to start, organize and run my own bussiness. They’ll even give me some money to get it going. Win. Right? Except I’m terrified.

There is a lot of fear associated with the idea too though. I mean first off lets be honest shall we? Any business I start is going to stem from what I am creating with Radio Free Voice, that is going to turn some people off. I have been aware of this from the get go.

The idea was never to use this to make mass amounts of money while at the same time planting the seeds for RFV to reach it’s full potential. That may mean that at some point I could be lucky enough to get an income from it, which means I would have the luxury of it being my full time passion and career. Should that happen, that my life’s dream comes true and I am able to focus 100% of my energies in building this amazing thing, I would be pretty much happy enough without ever being granted anything else in the universe.

At the same time let us flip the coin: I am really not that smart. I am passionate and tenacious, I am a hard worker and given a job to do I can do it well, so long as I understand fully, but that’s just it. Since I was a child (something I have never outrightly admitted before) my comprehension has always been a bit off, like outer space off.

Sometimes I have to repeat things to myself several times before I figure out whats what, which can be an annoying trait to someone who is thinking of investing in me or my future company.

As a direct result of years of bullying I have learned to hide it for the most part, these small issues and weird little habits I have, only those who know me very well understand exactly why I am the way I am, and hell even I am just starting to figure it out.

Either way I am going to apply because I will be 30 soon and then it will be too late for me to be eligible for this program (if it isn’t already) and hopefully I won’t fail massively and land on my ass 😀 Either way on Monday Morning I am going to make the call. Worst they can say is no and hell I’ve been hearing that my entire life right?!

For months now I have been making contacts all over the world. Not because I am going out of my way to do so, but because of various projects I am involved with I have been blessed to meet people all over our globe, from all walks and areas of life, and you know what I learned?

I learned that if we really want to make a difference, we have to be better than those we are fighting. If we want to help we must always have all of the facts, which lets face it people, is hard to do when you are meeting people online. At our best we are amazing, at our worst a lot of us including me some days, are full of utter shit.

In the wake of a lot of things, not just Amanda Todd, but a lot of issues around the globe many people want to jump into the war on … whatever they are fighting. I get that, but having made these very same mistakes myself, we have to be more diligent.

We are now encased in a world in which technology is smarter than most humans, this is unacceptable. We must do our homework, and our research.

As much as I absolutely hate to say it, this is a case in which Legacy is correct. As I have been saying tonight on Twitter, if we are going to take the time to research an alleged stalker – if we are going to out them for the evil that lays inside we must know for certain, and be able to prove them of their crimes.

The excuse of “shit we fucked up wrong guy” can never be acceptable. We are as humans, quick to rush to the aid, but often we are so sickened by what we see we do not always stop to check the story, see the facts from both sides. This is something I am incredibly guilty of as well.

I would never be so remiss as to say “no no leave that lovely man alone, who cares if he watches, produces and shares child porn” of course not. All I ask however is that we be able to prove, without a shadow of a doubt, that they are who we say they are.

Anonymous or not, when we the people of the internet make mistakes, when we fuck up in our accusations, the world is watching us. Our legitimacy is lost, we the people of the internet, Anons, Anonymous or others, cannot afford to make these mistakes, because then we are just another bully jumping on the bandwagon causing more harm then good.

To that end I have this message: I know that the RCMP just like any government organization has it’s faults. There are however many wonderful men and women who work for a corrupt organization. They are as many of us are, trying to do the best they can within the confines of their job description, with the tools they are given. Their tools are no better nor worse then ours. Like it or not, the majority of the police force here in BC wants what is best for their communities, you must remember however they have jobs to do, and for the most part they do it well.

Like anything, they fuck up, people in the RCMP take advantage of their power, but how exactly is Anonymous any different? “Anyone can be anonymous” So when you hear stories of how “A member of Anonymous hacked, stole etc” does the whole of Anonymous get blamed? more often then not, yes, but should they? How many of you right now will say “yes they do and that’s not fair” ? Exactly!

The majority of the government officials, and banks and every day people are not evil, it is those in power who do the crime and those on the bottom of the totem pole who pay the price. It is in my mind a never ending cycle and one we can stop, so long as we are willing to stop and think about all the facts, decide which battles are worth fighting.

Alex Ramos “tweeted” a picture of a dead body, he claimed it was Amanda Todd, I however did not see this but it was reported. Within minutes he was doxed, threatened with death and his personal information put up for the world to see. Here is my question? How many of you went to his tumblr page? ….. Now how many of you went to his tumblr page and really REALLY looked? I did. And I was sad, and I cried, because I saw a lot of porn, but every once in awhile I would also see a post that clearly said “I am in pain and I need help” or ” I am sad and I want to die, won’t anyone help me?”

He was a kid in pain. He reached out the way he understood and no one listened, so he did what we all do when we are angry and in pain. He lashed out wanting negative attention because at least that way people were listening. Only it got to be too much, he realized too late that it was the wrong kind of attention. He fucked up. This doesn’t excuse his behavior, but it explains it.

How many of us have been guilty of that? We get mad, we get hurt or angry and we lash out, and too late we realize we’ve hurt people we loved or in some cases don’t even know? He is human, and he fucked up, a lot…but he fucked up.

Now stop, STOP BEFORE YOU POST COMMENT OR GET ANGRY!

How many kids just like Alex Ramos and Amanda Todd are out there right now begging for help? Begging to be heard and going ignored? It is time we stop talking about what went wrong and started talking about how we can help and it is time that we stop half assing it and really really working to make sure that when we reach out to help someone, we do it in a positive way that will effect a change in their life.

Not everyone can be batman (Sorry Hackers) but it’s true. Not everyone can even be a hero, but everyone can take ten minutes out of their day to be kinder to each other, to reach out to someone who’s posting stuff online and say “hey I saw your page/tweet/post and you look like you could use a friend, wanna chat?” It really is that simple. At worst they say no, and at best you’ve made someone’s day.

I have said it again and again: You want to attack a pedophile? You want to hunt down a stalker? You want to hurt someone who is attacking the innocent? GO HARD, but make sure that you have all of the facts from ALL ends. Do not half ass it or you do worse harm then you do good.

There are ways to report crimes, and sad and annoying, painful as it is we must go through those channels or this shit will continue to happen. A Man in BC was falsey accused of being Amanda’s stalker because people rushed to conclusions. This isn’t the first time.

I have witnessed blatant lies being posted and reported in order to achieve the end goal, I have talked about them and was ignored and accused of “not believing in freedom” because I wanted cold hard facts before I acted. Those we fight will win if we do not do our due diligence if we do not think before we act they will prove that the citizens of the internet cause more harm than good.

Our world is connected in a way it never has been before. For the first time in the history of the human race humans have the ability to connect from one side of the globe to the other without ever leaving their house. This is a great amount of power, if used properly, all I am saying is we need to make sure we cover every avenue before we start attacking or accusing.

In the last few days I have had to walk away from some people I really admired and even loved. I didn’t come to this decision lightly. In response to the death of Amanda Todd people took to the internet and they ranted and raved. Some made cruel harsh and evil jokes, and others retaliated. I know of two young people (19 and 18) who had their personal information put onto the internet, they received death threats and to this day continue to be harassed Since many of you missed my Radio Free Voice show I thought I would give you some knowledge here. Please I beg you, pay attention.

What happened to Amanda Todd, and millions of other children is wrong. I consider it to be abuse and I think if it is not already it should be against the fucking law.

Over the last three days I saw people using Amanda Todd as a way to gain internet fame, from both sides. That pisses me off even more.

I expected people to be angry she was dead, I did not expect jokes, what I expected even less was to see grown adults, people I consider friends to harass and abuse their power in order to make two stupid teenagers feel small and little. One of them quoted “I want to be the most hated person on the internet” He was destroyed. His phone number and address posted, his personal info his tumblr. I went and looked at that tumblr page and I saw something that breaks my heart.

I saw a 19 year old boy crying out for help while hiding behind naked pictures and false brevity I saw a young man pretending to be an asshole because he doesn’t know how to say “Life is fucked up right now and I need help” I felt sorry for this kid. (OMFG HOW COULD YOU) Because I see both sides of the bullying issue. I’ve been on both sides.

I have been bullied so bad I tried rat poison blowing myself up, drugs and alcohol. Everything under the sun, (minus drinking bleach thank Goddess) . I have beaten on people because I was one of the “cool” kids. When my mom moved us from one province to another I suddenly was the cool kid with all the big scary friends. Everyone loved me and those who didn’t got beaten. I am not perfect I made mistakes.

The ironic thing is that those who know me via twitter, or listen to my show love me. You all think I am this ambassador of peace and love who can do no wrong, and that’s a lie. I am not perfect I made mistakes back then and I will until the day that I die, because I am human.

I am also NOT saying that I agree with those who bully others to feel better – I am saying I understand the psychology. Until we respond to bullys differently they will never change.

So here are a few ideas for parents and schools, do with them as you will:

Stop acting like it is the victim’s fault. Start punishing these kids appropriately, There is no reason that a victim should be forced to leave school. I do not care if it is one bully or fifty, start kicking them out and I bet you anything that when people realize your school is a no bully zone, when they see they will get kicked out of school, their behavior will change.

When you find out a kid has been beaten up at school you call the fucking police. When did it become okay for a kid to be thrown into a locker or beaten and not receive justice? When did it become okay for someone to beat on another person and not be punished?

Mandatory Counselling for bully’s and victims. Bullies are hurting too, whether you like it or not they are angry, they are hurting and they are lashing out because they want attention and don’t know how to get it.

It is time for us adults to step up and say ENOUGH. It is time for us to decide whether these children will grow into successful adults or fucking sociopaths. It is time for US to say “We are the adults you are the kid, these are the rules, follow them and stop being such a jack ass”

Seriously people we are adults, why are we on twitter bullying children who are equally in danger of being the next Amanda Todd?! What sense does it make to fight violence with violence, when the hell was the last time that actually worked? And No, THE AVENGERS DOES NOT COUNT!

I have been thinking about this for ages. Amanda Todd and I have a lot in common though it may not seem it, but we do. I write this letter to each and every parent and child, teacher and principal and I pray that you sincerely read the message I am trying to send.

When I was a young girl I was molested by a friend of a friend of my mother. This action changed the course of my life. By thirteen I was sexually promiscuous, being bullied every single day and acting out for as much attention as possible.

Instead of getting the help I needed I was thrown into lockers, beaten up, set on fire and called awful names such as nigger, slut, bitch, cunt, cow. From the time I was fifteen until I was twenty seven I tried to kill myself repeatedly. From alcohol and drug abuse to trying to jump in front of cars, trying unsuccessfully to literally blow myself up, to taking so many pills I had to have my stomach pumped. I have been through the ringer when it comes to attempted suicide. All because “grade eight girls will be grade eight girls” a quote from Mrs. Smith, my eight grade vice principal.

The sad truth is that children are mean and cruel, hurtful and spiteful because we teach them that it is okay. To date I know of half a dozen children who have killed themselves because they were so empty and alone they could not take it any more. They were not protected as they should have been.

I ask you now why the fuck, was Amanda Todd forced to change school districts? Why were her bullies not removed from the schools? Why was she forced to run and hide and drown herself in bleach because of the behaviors of others? When will we realize that allowing bullies to get away with the harm they are causing is in fact akin to murder?!

I do not think that Amanda Todd committed suicide. I think that Amanda Todd was a victim of the worst kind of emotional, physical and sexual abuse known to man, it was not suicide that took her life it was in fact murder.

When you force someone to feel so low, when you convince them systimatically over years that their life is so unimportant, that they are so unworthy, when you tell someone who was as emotionally and mentally unstable as Ms. Todd, to kill themselves and they do it, you in fact should be charged with murder.

What happened to Amanda was wrong. Today people around the world are standing up and admitting that, her bullies however are not speaking out. They are not apologizing they are ,not facing any public outcry. In fact many of them told her to continue to drink bleach many of them told her to kill herself. I wonder do they feel sorry now? Are they in trouble? or are they hoping the world will simply ignore the results of their actions and move on?

Yes plenty of people are saying they are angry. Many are even saying that they feel for her family as I obviously do. But how many are calling for judgment of the bullies in question? Are the police going to press charges? Will the teachers and principals reprimand these young people? Or will they simply decide that these children have suffered enough after the result of their actions?

Let me help you out: The answer is no. They have not suffered. They have not and will likely not be punished for what is the cause of their treatment of this child. This beautiful, lovely, creative and wonderful child.

The natural response goes something like this “What do you expect, that we place them in jail?” Absolutely When you abuse someone, physically or emotionally, mentally or sexually it is called “Abuse” Abuse is against the law. They have broken the law. They have continuously for years made this poor child feel as if she did not matter so yes they should go to jail. Perhaps a month long sentence with people who are just as guilty of feeding off of the pain of others may teach them a lesson. Along with mandatory sensitivity training. Mandatory counselling and mandatory “Stop being evil little fuck heads” day.

Yes people are angry that children kill themselves after being bullied, but today I say enough. Over the next several months I will be connecting with parents and victims of bullies, I want to create a three or four day conference in which parents, teachers and students can come together and discuss why they bully, and how to make it stop. Something must be done. So enough anger. Enough being mad on Amanda’s behalf, being angry doesn’t help unless something changes.

We have had in BC no less then 10 children murdered or commit suicide because of bullies. Until we change the way we behave, until we come up with punishments that work, until we begin to teach our children that one simple golden rule “Treat others how you wish to be treated” our children will be the worst of the child abusers. Make no mistake, what happened to Amanda Todd IS in fact child abuse. Until the law sees that, until the school’s see that, there will be a never ending string of Amanda Todd’s, perhaps this is the legacy she can be remembered for. The girl with the golden smile who clearly wanted to see a better world. Maybe just maybe we can’t create that for her, but instead in her name.

Hair Extensions: 130 dollars, Nails pro done 50 dollars, Make up expertly applied by self 60 dollars Loss of self respect the night this photo was taken? Absolutely Priceless. (This was 1 week after he’d called me a whore on his radio show charmer huh?)

I am 29 years old single and live with my mom and my dog. To be fair she’s in a wheelchair and he’s just awesome. That however is not why you are here. You want to know what a single woman like me has to offer to you. Perhaps I just want to toot my own horn. Really I do actually have something of importance to offer you.

How to find the ideal mate. It sounds oh so simple.

Even after reading this you are going to roll your eyes and ignore pretty much 99% of what I say because inevitably you know better. Only you don’t because you are here. Hah! I win. Anyways I digress.

To understand where I am going you must first understand I was single for several years after numerous bad relationships always dating the same kind of guy, you know the type…mean abusive and cruel with a side of bat shit insane? I swear it’s the truth.

No matter where I looked I kept dating the same guy until I stopped dating having decided that all men were just evil bastards. Only they weren’t. It wasn’t that all men are awful it is that my standards were low.

I was low, having no idea what I had to offer the world I took whatever was given to me thinking it was what I deserved. Eventually I found myself taking stalk of my life – learning about me and doing some serious soul searching. Until I realized I am awesome and it took awhile but yes I did eventually find my “Awesomesauce”.

Now about six months ago I met a man who of course I thought would be different- and before you roll your eyes understand I wasn’t looking for anything. It just happened, I liked him and I thought he liked me. I also thought that he was kind generous and lovely even though my friends knew right away he was a dick. I didn’t (of course) listen.

“It’s a growing period” I would say “He’s mad because of his friends it’ll be fine” I would make excuse after excuse for his behavior. When in reality he was and is a fat drunk mean man living in his mom’s basement.

Of course I didn’t listen. Of course every time he got mean it was my fault because I was too needy or I wasn’t communicating enough. I wasn’t funny enough and I didn’t give him enough space. The funny thing is that when we ended our communication with each other I realized my friends were right. He was a dick. Even more so when I spoke with him a few months later. I had changed everything about myself for this man my hair clothes nails everything.

For this guy I barely knew, who called me a whore in front of his friends and went out of his way to embarrass me because it was what his friends expected. What the hell was I thinking?! Who was this mouse that had gone through years of abuse and neglect only to end up at square one?! This was a girl not ready for a relationship that’s for sure. This was a girl who had found her awesomeness and then proceeded to let it go on the off chance this guy was “the one” HA! I knew better then and I know better now.

So how do you find the ideal mate? The answer is really quite simple. Take a look at what is going on in your life your head and your heart and ask yourself if you are really ready for a relationship. The answer may surprise you.

The truth is you can’t find the “ideal” mate until you yourself are happy in your own life. If you find that you seem to be attracting the exact same kind of man over and over again maybe, just maybe it isn’t the man but perhaps it is you. What are you doing in your life that is pulling these negative soul draining men to you? How can you change that? I bet if you have made it to the end of this article you already know.

I also learned that the awesome person I am when I am single is what attracts the men that find me appealing. So making changes to that person to impress them when we are together? Not all that likely to work.

I have to say I really enjoy getting to know the many people that follow me on twitter I enjoy our conversations, our silly faux flirting. I enjoy hearing about their families and learning what you are all passionate about. I never thought I would say this but I have actually been learning a lot from the Tweeple.

I get to read beautiful quotes of strength and wisdom from Captain America @ChrisEvans. @Truthizsexy reminds me daily to put others before myself by advocating for lost children and informing the world of what is going on around us. @Catsareimportant gives me strength when I am ready to drop. @kopsafti keeps me grounded and lets me know when I am being silly. There is Psy and Outlaw, Crash and AOS as well as BreakBeat and Viz, Cannot of course forget Damage *who is adorably insane* and so many hundreds of you who inspire me every day to keep trying to find a way to get my show back up.

You are wonderful amazing and great and awesome and lovely and I really do adore you all.

I know very well these are probably not people I will grow old with but I genuinely enjoy our conversations. You guys all five hundred of you have stories and experience that I need and thrive on. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

There are also of course the Twitteratzi. You guys make me laugh. Some of you I follow just because you make me smile and no I won’t out of kindness release your names but I do have a message for you.

Shut up. Seriously. Before you tweet, before you talk, before you put a message out there think about whether or not it is the kind of message you want to be reminded by.

There are over ten million people using twitter, on my stream every single one of the people I follow are people who want to change the world. They want to see the world shift from it’s current course. Sometimes I laugh at even those I admire who I think could do with a nice vacation. Regardless their hearts are in the right place. The Twitteratzi however are evil.

They are soulless cruel and mean, pathetic and low. They are strange odd creatures who are so far evolved from the rest of us that they feel the need to release personal private information of other users, they harass and herang, they bully and they do so for one reason only: They have nothing better to do with their lives.

This morning I got dragged into a twitter war which was fucking high-larious.

I got home from the store and went online to play a game or two. As usual I opened up Tweet Deck just to see what was up and next thing I know I am being told I should watch my friends and being told who doxed who and who threatened who but not why and I sat at my laptop laughing in a big mass ball of confusion.

It made me laugh at first. Until I took one of the people involved into DM and asked her politely to leave me out of whatever drama she was up to. She promised to do so, it lasted for thirty seconds. That was me done.

I am not interested in negativity. I have enough of my own real life issues to deal with, that adding fuel to the stress fire online is just a ridiculous no no. If you have to go online to bully someone else because you disagree with them, or dislike their politics that says more about you then the victim you have chosen. There are ways millions of them in fact, to change the world without being mean or cruel.

So to the Tweeple that I chat with on a regular basis I want to say this I love you, your amazing I am glad we met and I thank you for being kind wonderful strong supportive cultured well mannered people.

To the Twitteratzi I would like to say a very polite shhhh, be nice, be kind and be wise. Speak little listen much. It will get you further in life

My relationship with my mother has never been easy. Take Gilmore’s as an example and throw mixed in race daughter and you pretty much have our relationship minus of course the money.

Yesterday I went on a huge rant about how angry I was that I didn’t go with my first instincts and do what I wanted. Instead I listened to everyone else who meant well but ended up pretty much convinced me to shelf my show for the last four months.

You know what she said? Why didn’t you just do it your way to begin with? Uh..excuse me?! It has taken me nearly twenty years to prove to my mother that I have skills. It has taken me twenty years to convince her that I can do more then be her care taker and now at twenty-nine years old she tells me she believes in me? My world is in a tail spin.

Even more shocking I am going to listen to her. For the first time ever. From now on I am going to do what I want and stop listening to all the buzzing bees in my head who know better and what not.

A few months ago I really thought I had put together a really great team. Now I have my partner who’s been amazingly supportive but that’s pretty much all we have. Our show is in shambles, many of those who were there at the beginning telling me how great I was doing who told me that I should reach for the world right out of the gate, their gone. I have no idea where.

I know in my heart that I can have an effect on those around me. I know with my soul that I am on the right path and that while there may have been some stumbles and some shatters, everything is going to go exactly where it is supposed to be.

For the first time in my life things are not perfect but they are okay. The Chaos swirls around me and I have begun to learn how to ignore the buzz and just be. That is really fucking awesome.

So here’s another puzzle piece to Finding the Ohna: Follow your instincts