Writer, Lover, Misfit

Men Love Sex, Women Love Attention. Get Over It.

There’s so much bitterness and resentment currently between the sexes. Why? Because they simply don’t understand each other. They want the other to be just like them. The myth of marrying your best friend and equality and treat him/her how you want to be treated has completely confused the f*ck out of everyone.

I’m not saying he can’t be your friend. But he’s not going to be like your girlfriend. If you want a partner to shop with you and talk to you endlessly about what could or might happen “if” scenarios, then you want a partner who is a woman. He doesn’t want that. Similarly guys, if you want a partner who is stoic and to the point and predictable, then you probably want a dude. Just saying. Get real.

Women accuse men of being sex-obsessed, thinking with their dicks, objectifying women with a glance. Men accuse women of being attention whores, selfie-addicted, narcissists. There’s a battle between desire and resentment constantly playing out between the sexes that we have never seen before. This is caused by two things: A total lack of acceptance about what drives the other and the internet.

So, here’s the deal. Ladies, as long as you expect men to view sex the same way you do, you will be disappointed and resentful. He never will. He is not wired the same as you are. And your resentment, disgust, divisiveness of his sexual desires and expressions is a cruel attack on his soul. Your shaming tactics to turn his glances of appreciation into objectifying stares, to treat all men as rapists who need to learn not to rape and to insist that any relationship is built on your sexual terms only is cruel, abusive and destructive.

Men love sex. Men are biologically wired to seek sex. They find it pleasurable sexually, mentally and emotionally. It offers them a release to their desire, their frustrations, their emotions while also connecting them deeply with someone they admire and care for. Treating their desire, the frequency of their desire, the way it is expressed as dirty is making them an enemy to your needs and is causing them to turn to places where they can get their sexual needs met without judgement. Often that place is the internet.

While we often hear negative messages about men and their sex drives, it is at least by most, accepted as a normal, unavoidable part of their nature. A man can choose to seek out as many possible outlets for his sexuality or choose to be monogamous but it is seen as a reflection of the man’s values and lifestyle how he chooses to handle this unavoidable part of his nature.

For women however, there is part of their nature that is equally unavoidable and biologically wired. But instead of appreciating this as a natural aspect of the feminine nature that can be handled in a variety of ways, like a man’s sex drive, society and men especially, tend to shame women for this.

What do women seek from the outside that makes them feel good? Attention. Women like attention and women are wired to seek it. Attention can be sought out in many ways: fame seeking, selfie-posting, provocative clothing, creating drama, coy flirting, make-up. There are many ways that women get attention and as with men who have the option to seek easy outlets for their sexual needs (porn, loose women, multiple partners, one-night stands) or to invest himself in a partner who will meet his sexual needs (and everything on the scale between). She can seek the attention of many or the attention of her chosen one. But regardless of how she gets her needs met; they are the same. A woman seeks attention, a certain level of validation. She wants to be appreciated and to have that appreciation confirmed verbally.

Because men do not seek attention in these same ways and in fact to get attention in this way might make many of them feel uncomfortable they don’t understand it and so they love to criticize it. They call women “attention-whores.” They put them down for the number of selfies. The perceive them to be weak and insecure and even stupid for posting pictures of themselves looking their best and for feeling that the “likes” or “comments” of affirmation would mean something. This shaming of women for seeking attention and male approval of their beauty, style and attitude is no better than women shaming men for “looking at a woman’s body”, for their sexual desire, for his attempts to learn how to seduce and attract a woman or even for his pleasure in getting easy, no strings attached “meaningless” sex.

Women were made to be beautiful and men were made to desire them. Men were made with such a strong desire for women, in fact, that they will do anything to get the attention and affection of them! Look at young men who are infatuated with a woman. These are the men showing off their dangerous bike tricks. These are the men buying shiny expensive new cars. These are the men who will literally do anything for love! As they get older, suffer heartbreak, they scale back their efforts, not because they don’t still have the desire to do back flips for a woman he loves but because he’s become cautious and fearful of the emotional pain.

These antics and dramatic gestures are the very heart and soul of the Big Proposal! The blimp soaring across the sky with “Marry Me,”the crowd of strangers learning a dance routine to propose to the unsuspecting bride to be. The creativity, ingenuity, planning and execution of many proposals is simply mind blowing!

Why? Because on some level, men know that women love it when a man makes a big deal over her. It is not so much the attention of the crowd, even in these group proposals. It is the intensity of the attention he is showering on her that overwhelms her.

Why is this? Well, I’m no scientist but I believe that when a man gives a woman his full attention, she feels more security in keeping him. She does not want to worry that if she commits herself to him for mating that she will lose his attention to someone else. This need for attention is a survival instinct that is biologically embedded in us; part of our wiring; the way God made us. Just like a man’s sex drive is a survival instinct.

So, don’t shame each other for nature. Understand it about yourself and the opposite sex. Realize that how you choose to get your needs met is up to you. If a woman wants to seek the attention of every man; that is her choice. If a man wants to have sex with every woman; that is his choice. All our choices have consequences but they are choices and up to the individual.

Realize also that when someone is having their needs met, they don’t keep looking for more. (Yes, some people may have a personality disorder or some trauma they are working through where they are a bottomless pit of need. I am talking about generally emotionally and mentally healthy people.) But if someone is NOT getting his or her needs met, he or she will find a way. These are needs, not wants. And we get them met. It’s survival.

So men, that means, if you are fulfilling you woman’s need for attention and affirmation, she will not waste her energy looking for it elsewhere. Ladies, that means if you are fulfilling your man’s need for sex, variety in sex and excitement, he will not waste his energy looking for it elsewhere.

The easiest, fastest way for both men and women to get these needs met, with the least amount of personal investment is online. Men have porn, women have social media. If your relationship is suffering and you both are feeling unfulfilled, the fastest fix you can implement is to understand and accept the other person’s needs. Then stop looking at porn or escaping into sports (excitement) men and ladies, shut down the social media and get the attention of your man. Where you put your attention and energy is a reflection of your values. If you value your partner, put your efforts there. And stop shaming each other. You’re just human.

xoxo,

Kitten

PS. Before everyone starts griping in the comments I’ll clarify that this post is using examples to illustrate part of our nature that is different in men and women and where it might come from. I’m not at all saying that men don’t also like attention and that women don’t also like sex. Of course men like attention too and women love sex. I’m trying to illustrate some of the subtle differences using exaggerated or extreme examples because I don’t have time to write about every little scenario possible. Don’t be ridiculous in my comments because you are hungry or bored or looking for a fight. No one has time for that.

40 thoughts on “Men Love Sex, Women Love Attention. Get Over It.”

Fantastic post. I just hope that the young men and women of today will heed the wisdom proffered in this article

Just a few funny comments about young men.

I bought a Corvette and ended up marrying one of the young ladies who loved to ride with me. The sad (not really) part is that once the babies came along, I had to trade it in for a Dodge mini-van. My wife also told me that I no longer needed a chick-magnet as I already had a chick, i.e. her. I’m not really complaining as we’ve been married for more than 25 years and there is no let up.

The other point is that while men do like sex, sex with the woman you love is like nothing else on this earth. While this never happened to me, I would suggest to women that when they deny their husbands sex too often, then what they’re really telling him is that they don’t love him anymore. Your husband will go to the ends of the earth for you, the woman he loves, but you need to know how to show your love to him as well.

Women are far more sexual creatures than men. As men get older their ability diminishes. When will we simply start accepting the truth and stop buying into this comforting allusion to stroke men’s bottomless ego well?

you are making a very important point, several times in your article. In matters of priority and strength of desire, pretty much, Women desire attention and Men desire Sex. Let’s take it further: The emotional and psychological value of sex for men, is equal to emotional and psychological value of attention for women. Now let’s be honest, talking in averages ;-), who of the two genders gets their “fix” (the real deal) more often. In general, women get real life attention thrown at them on a daily basis, then add social media attention (the synthetic “fix”). Men don’t get sex thrown at them like that, all we are left with is synthetic sex online.

Another really important and deep aspect: how much do women have to work and pay for their fix, and how much do men for theirs?

As you can see, (many men’s) bitterness and resentment do not come from not understanding each other, but lack of fairness, why should we get over it?

You are very right. Women do get their fix with far less effort. However, they only get a partially fulfilling fix. The attention they get falls short of what they are truly seeking, which is security and commitment. It’s fleeting.

I’m not trying to minimize, I do think that pretty women can “live comfortably” in society with just the attention thrown at them. Then again, women have skyrocketing anxiety rates so maybe they aren’t that happy with the scraps afterall.

I’m not sure how it could be fixed. I think the internet feeds people cheap fixes (porn, social media attention). Seeking in person relationships and working to fulfill the other persons needs would certainly help. So would having the self restraint to not seek out the attention online during a slump. (Men are shamed for flirting and having affairs and wile many men may call women attention whores or whatnot for posting a lot of selfies, there are not the same consequences for seeking to get their needs met outside the relationship. They aren’t seen to be on the same plane of seriousness. I think they are both dangerous behaviors to relationships.

I’m hoping if we understand these needs we can try to meet them. Men should remember their partner really does seek his attention and approval far more than he might think is necessary. And women need to remember that men need that sexual release more than they do. In a relationship, it is our job to meet these needs for our partners as much as possible.

Hi Kitten,
Thank so much for posting this, it’s got to be one of the best, well balanced articles on women and men that states what we’re thinking but too scared to say for fear of being berated for it! I’m grateful that there are people like you in the world to dispel my cynicism and give some non judgemental insights into why we are like we are and the difference between men and women. It’s bittersweet to me, on the one hand depressing because it doesn’t play into the hands of our Hollywood notions of love and relationships (happily ever after) but it’s positive because now that we understand each other’s drivers, we can work with them to meet each others needs.

The rampant female narcissism that flourished out of constant attention from men is creating enormous issues in daily male-female relationships, at the expense of undeserving men. Most women seek attention, attractive, non-attractive, wives, sisters. I’ve witnessed countless mothers in company of their husbands and kids, jump hoops to get attention from the top males, to get that ego boost, because by “some law” if an attractive man looks at you he must be interested in you. I witnessed many unattractive women (yes, unattractive, bear with me) change their course so you have to bump into them, and the second you notice them (how could you not after that show she just performed) they put on their rejection face on, or the “innocent” don’t-look-at-me-please-don’t-violate-me-with-your-eyes look. And I know she’s not looking for security or commitment with that face on, quite the opposite. She’s putting her self in potential danger (she doesn’t know me) only to “reject” me. All of that just to get a pair of eyes on her. That toxic, dishonest, imaginative ego boost makes the female more entitled, she creates (in her head) a fake sense of bigger value (let’s not get into the looks/value topic because, seeking attention by eyes is all about looks, and women seek it all the time) and so, to underline, her relationships with every day men in her surroundings start to deteriorate, at the expense of men’s sanity, which they do not deserve. Meanwhile, she gets her fix, for free, takes it, forces it even in some cases.

I’ve started to work some of this out myself, I’m 31 now and in a position where my frivolities have ceased, my wit and job have improved, so to some extent I am more likely to meet a permanent partner, as my looks haven’t diminished too much and I’m a much rounder person. I’ve accepted the folly of women now, and the desperation over this folly of men. To some extent in free society I believe this has always existed. What I would say to men is, even if a woman acts coy then comes back, give her a subtle gesture in person or text to let her know your heart is hers. Don’t overstate this, and if you are lucky….you get her, but yours is the risk and you will lose many times be strong… it’s hard to be a man.

Never been a fan of people (men or women) who need constant attention. But I have been in a relationship where the women was always needing it when we were out, in how she would dress and also how she behaved with guys. Very flirtatious, and would even tell me afterwards about a guy paying her attention when I wasn’t even around.
I never understand people like that, but I just wanted to say that it can also be guys trying for attention too but in different ways like being loud or being the stupid joke teller or the guy that just needs to be heard all the time. I’m sure most women don’t really like those kind of guys the same as men not liking their women being attention getters too.

You’re totally right! Except for the fact about the reason we’re wired that way… if there was a God, the reason both sexes do either of these things is because we both try to fill the gap in our spirit (aware or unaware of it) that we don’t allow God to fill. We become so desperate inside to be whole, that we fill it with what we believe to be right (sex for men, attention for women). We don’t realise that, neither of these things will never make us happy. You have to keep coming back for it to lift yourself up again. Before you know it, you’ve broken friendships, got an addiction to either sex (porn, prostitutes… friends?) or attention (makeup + fashion, social media, friend popularity), and are you really happy?..

It’s not like that with God, as relationship is what truly fills that gap in your spirit in which we’ve all tried to temporarily fill with this instinct. Let God take over, so reputation never has to affect you ever again. He loves you so much, and walk with him? He’ll free you from all of it. That’s true redemption.

Ladies – go ahead and keep believing we’ll do anything for sex. It’s not true anymore. Women have manipulated men with sex for so long that we’re done with it. It’s nothing but a tool of manipulation, so sex is off the table in all my dating relationships. Now let’s talk about your need for attention. It’s annoying and childish. I won’t stand for it. And since you have nothing to give me (sex is really all you ever had) in return, you get no attention. Life is so much better with a woman in it.

While the behavioral patterns you describe are accurate for many men (“sex-driven”) and women (“attention-seeking”), they have very little to do with “nature” in the sense that men and women are “wired” that way. The opposite is the case. Nature provides a much wider range of behavioral options than the ones we are commonly used to seeing. However, most of these options are filtered out by societal norms (education, shaming, etc.) so that for most people only a much smaller range remains. This reduction of complexity is then often falsely perceived as “the way nature intended it” or “how things are meant to be”. But this is an illusion. The truth is that we make our own joy and misery alike, and once we realize this, we are free to throw off the idiotic shackles modern “culture” is constantly trying to impose on us. Both bros and hoes need to go away to make room for more freedom.

The ol stereo typing women need a mans validation or be ignored bullshit.
The ol women don’t love plain dirty and primitive sex when in fact we do.
Women “are” sex.
Hugh Hefner even said this.
We don’t need an emotional connection.
And we really deep down inside do not give two fucks about a mans desires unless we love him or he pays us.

Shut up!…Typical female idiot, the fact that you commented with a negative grumpy female attitude is testament to the female dominated world we live in, the driving force behind the disconnection between both sexes. Get over already!!

If you “love” sex so much then why withhold it, use it as a weapon, won’t do it if you’re upset, need to get paid to do it, lie about having headaches to avoid it, lie about being tired, stop having it after marriage, babies, make guys jump through hoops to get it, fake orgasms?

Guys don’t do this. We, really love sex. We don’t need to warm up to want it either. You don’t have to take us out or buy us anything or massage us to make us want it. You don’t even have to talk.

So stop with the mythology. Women are sex? Women are the embodiment of lies and manipulation. Deceit.

I’ve checked out of the mating arena and couldn’t be happier. Women today are nuts with their expectations, annoying with their social media addiction, and really confused because of feminism and this “career/family have-it-all problem”. Not my problem. I don’t get seven page credit card bills in the mail from weekend after weekend of “retail therapy” either and honestly when most couples fight about money, that’s the source of the friction. I don’t like wasting money on foo-foo material crap and clothes I will wear once and then toss on the closet floor. I have two pairs of shoes. Two pairs of jeans. Three pairs of work pants. A dozen shirts (six for work). I’m a simple guy. Why would I want to move in with a woman who’s expecting me to bring home the lion’s share of the money, despite all this equality business? The reality is women still marry up, and now – thanks to a throw-away attitude and the “divorce industry” odds are the guy will be looking at a divorce or separation somewhere down the line. Sorry, pass.

“And we really deep down inside do not give two fucks about a mans desires unless we love him or he pays us.”

We know Hanna. You only care about the guy if you’re getting something out of him. Men are just a utility – a resource for you. You’re the kind of person who leaves their mate because of job loss. People like you deserve the kind of misery you bring upon yourself.

Thanks for being yet another woman to re-assure me that I’m making the best choice by remaining single.

First let me start off with a disclaimer here, you don’t know me and being that I am anonymous here, there is little motivation or reason for me to lie or to flatter you here. So, these words are 100 percent my honest thoughts on your work.

I have read numerous articles and books about relationships and they pretty much have left me confused about women. I have dated over 100 women in my lifetime and still was confused to the internal workings of a woman’s mind. I understand that women lust for money and stability in a man, but I could never get into a woman’s mind to understand her motivations for these desires. Your article here is the best article I have ever read about understanding the inner workings of the female mind.

Most of the world is full of BS and PC culture which basically spews out lies or “feel good” stories which only leave the readers astray and more baffled. Your insight, courage to see what is real, and ability to articulate it in a succinct and meaningful way is pretty rare, especially for a female writer.

Thank you for your meaningful and life altering insight, your words here are very much appreciated.

I quit dating altogether. I go out with friends for my own enjoyment. Women these days seem to be looking for the guy in the movies. The perfect guy. That’s fine. If that unicorn is out there. Me, I am just a guy in his 50s. Single and OK with it. If a woman comes along that doesn’t look down on a man with a few dings and scrapes. That isn’t all about the bank account. I’m combat vet on disability. And I 100% understand the desire for a fella with more cash. So if that gal ever comes along. Then I’m open. And I will treat her with the same respect and love that I expect. But I am happy with my life right now. At least for the moment.

Your article completely skips over the way women get attention and men get sex from a bunch of different people. Women lead men on into thinking they have a chance with her. That is the only way women get men to waste their time on a girl who isn’t giving them anything in return. Equally, men pretend they are prepared for a long-term relationship with a girl when really they just want to have sex with them.

Or do you really think there are men who just want to sit around giving attention to women indefinitely for no reason? If you met any of these women and asked them truthfully, they would tell you that these men eventually give up when they realise they have been had. The women then have to find a new group of men to add to their instagram account.

It is just sick and disgusting and only immature, unhappy people engage in this type of behavior. The world does not reward them kindly for using other people.

It’s easy for women to say ‘get over it’ when men have been the losers in all this. 60 years ago the dating pools were tiny and most people ended up marrying someone from their hometown due to lack of mobility and other options. People married young and made the best of it. Few could afford to be picky about who they married. It was far from a perfect arrangement, but many a loyal husband was quite happy to spend his life giving his wife the love, attention, and security she needed in exchange for the sex he needed. The internet has destroyed any and all realistic expectations across the spectrum from casual sex to marriage.

Social media means women no longer have to put in any effort to get attention beyond lifting their arm and taking another selfie. They don’t even have to leave the house anymore to get attention. They can just lie around on the couch with their smart phones and bask in the adoration of hundreds of people from all over the world feeding them endless validation.

Women have become drug addicts, addicted to a constant stream of ‘likes’ and praise that is now available to them on tap 24/7. This hyperinflation has fooled women into thinking they’re princesses and they now act accordingly. Despite all the feminist talk of only wanting equality, dating site statistics reveal the brutal truth: women consider 80% of men ‘below average’ in everything from looks and height to wealth and status. The 1-10 scale only applies to women. As far as women are concerned, any man below an 8 is invisible and not really a man at all but just part of the scenery.

Women across the spectrum are only looking for the top 10% of men who are tall, rich, handsome, athletic, and of high social status. Western women have become so entitled and deluded that they are blind to the flipside of this. Even old hags with three kids to two different fathers still can’t grasp that the top 10% of men are only interested in the top 10% of young beautiful fertile women who haven’t had children yet.
It blows my mind to see a never ending parade of delusional middle aged women on dating and hook up sites with their laundry lists of requirements.

A typical ads reads:

“45-year-old BBW seeks handsome, athletic, educated, honest and respectful man who is at least 6 feet tall, well hung, and makes over $150,000 a year.”

Note the euphemism. Women demand honesty in a man yet are never honest themselves. Women never just come right out and say they’re fat. It’s always ‘BBW’ or ‘curvy’ or ‘larger woman.’ The world is full of such delusional women now. Women whose sexual market place value fell through the floor years ago yet still think a handsome millionaire’s going to come knocking on the door of their suburban apartment and sweep them off their feet.

Many men are opting out of the dating game and giving up on women altogether. Sophisticated robot sex dolls are already being developed and in the next decade or so will become realistic enough to fulfil men’s sexual needs. Once that happens the only attention women will be getting is from other women. The only reason men have ever given women attention is due to the possibility of getting sex in return. With the advent of life-like sex dolls, men who aren’t specifically looking to have children will have no need for women. Women will still crave male attention though, and millions will have nervous breakdowns once men no longer have any incentive to give it to them.

I agree with a lot of whats been said here, women do seek male attention. But I disagree with the idea that this is hard wired into their biology. Just take a step back and look at things and you see that the need for attention is destructive. The institution of marriage is in a dire state. Most marriages end in divorce and 75% of those break ups are initiated by women. Women crave attention from men and if they dont get it they’ll try to find someone else who’ll give them that attention. But in order to get that attention they’ll inject poison into their faces. They’ll spend most of their time and income on beauty treatments and products. They’ll get into debt from spending money on clothes that they dont have. They’ll warp and ruin their natural features with plastic surgery. How many times have you seen famous women who no look like aliens because their faces have been destroyed by procedures. These are terrible things and a waste of life. Women were not meant to destroy their bodies and minds seeking male attention. Thats 100% ego. There are 2 paths through life; one is living by the ego the other is realising that theres more, something deeper and fulfilling. Its found by not trying to get artention. Letting that go and feeling what comes up from there. If you do this you find deeper meaning and ultimately live a happy life. So to say that womens need for attention is hard wired into them……..thats not true. Its the road most women go down but its not the one that leads to happiness. A few women have been brave enough to let go of the need for attention and they found happiness thats real and lasting.

Of course seeking attention from the masses is destructive. Just like having sex with the masses is destructive. Did you read the entire article or just jump in at your first tingling of outrage? I’ll wait while you finish reading.

Men’s issues are always either downplayed or put into comparison with women’s issues and then deemed not that bad. This is the new lifestyle which makes men not want to be involved as much. For example, in this article a man’s need for sex is put at an equal or lower place than a woman’s need for attention. But how hard does a man need to work for sex versus how hard a woman needs to work for attention? For a man to get sex from any person they have to give their attention (what guy just walks over, says lets fuck and gets his way without giving value.) and also curb their need for sex because of delayed gratification. Women get attention by looking good then advertising that they do (she doesn’t need to have sex first, because of how the game works). I can look like michael jackson doing the moonwalk with the glove and that doesn’t mean I will get sex without giving in return. She can put on a sundress or some rompers and take a walk at the park and will get anamount of attention that is actually scary (and will walk back home without having sex of course). Now i understand women have struggles to, and i don’t think they should have to have sex for attention like some kind of a car deal (that’s wrong). But i do think the amount of work needed to get attention is far less than the work needed for sex (and this is where a problem comes in). So a man isn’t given hell for chasing sex, well that’s because it takes a lot of work and you have to put out a lot of attention (for her) and skills (to be different than the other guy chasing the same thing). For women to get attention they need skills indeed. I’ve tried doing make up for my ex for a bet (shits not easy). But you’re making the illusion of a possibility of sex, especially if the woman is unsure of how she feels. But that illusion is made to keep getting the attention. Now lets say she just gets tired of that brand of attention. She walks away (no shame in her game, it’s life), he gets no sex, and she got all the attention she needed from this specific person at the time. Now where is the work that would prevent someone from being shamed in that? If someone can really answer please do. Because this actually puts me in a dark place. And i wish i wasn’t so bitter about it.

It is very sad the amount of very pathetic loser women that we have out there nowadays that are making it very difficult for many of us good innocent men really looking for love today. Women have certainly changed for the worst of all unfortunately now since they just don’t have any respect for us men at all with a very rotten personality to go along with it as well. It has become so very dangerous for many of us men to try to start a normal conversation with a woman that we would really like to meet since they will be very nasty to us most of the time and walk away anyway. Very troubled women nowadays with a lot of very severe mental problems which unfortunately most of them have which makes it very scary for many of us men trying to meet a decent normal woman nowadays. And there are many of us very good innocent men that would really know how to treat a good woman with a lot of love and respect which they just don’t give us men a chance at all either. These type of women should seek real professional help since most of them nowadays do need it very badly, especially the way that they act now with us men that never did anything wrong in the first place. And now you have all of these reality TV shows as well as social media that has certainly corrupted many of these women’s minds along with these Feminists that are everywhere these days that had made it worse altogether. It is very obvious why many of us good men are still single today because of these women which years ago most of the real good old fashioned women were the very best of all since they really made love happen back then.

What a great article! I was taking a break and feeling frustrated by somebody’s attention-seeking behavior I encountered earlier today. Only half-heartedly expecting to find anything of substance, I googled: “why do women seek so much attention”. I picked this post and found it refreshing, and felt a little better (and less annoyed with a certain somebody) upon reading it. Strangely, there were men and women who responded to this article with rants against the opposite sex, but I found your take on it honest and insightful. No need for me to read any other posts on the subject today, you captured and expressed it all very nicely. It must have been just what I needed.
With a little help from your article, I did “get over it”.