Pete- Season 4 | Episode: 7 Dealbreakers Talk Show 0001 | Scene: Jenna won't come out
Boy, if this thing works, it could be my ticket out. This job is starting to get to me. Lately, I've been shoplifting just to feel in control. Because no one knows I took the candy bar. No one but Peter.

Hey, Tracy. Did you hear? Fred Dawkins, the incredibly overweight guy that Pac-Man was based on, died last night.

Tracy:

I will eat a bowl of cherries and some ghost meat in his honor.

Tracy:

Orange and black decorations? Is this Halloween or Princeton Parents' Weekend? I don't know whether to be scared or proud of my cousin.

Kenneth:

It's Halloween, sir.

Tracy:

Proud it is.

Kenneth:

But this ''Almost All Saints' Day'' isn't going to be much of a celebration. I just heard that world famous clog dancer, Jugbert Cody, has gone to a better place.

Tracy:

He's in Cabo?

Kenneth:

No, sir, he passed away. But at least he died doing what he loved. Blogging on the Huffington Post.

Frank:

Wow, two down, one to go.

Tracy:

What do you mean?

Frank:

The Rule of Threes. Celebrities always die in groups of three. You'd better be careful, Tray.

Tracy:

Yeah, right. That's not a real thing.

Tracy:

This is going to be the scariest Princeton Parents' Weekend ever!

Be Nice To Get Your Way

Jenna:

Hey, I read your rewrite. Start over, you hack!

Kenneth:

Miss Maroney, are you okay?

Jenna:

Oh, I'm fine. Just reminding the writers who's boss. With this new actor coming in, I want to make sure I get taken care of. I'm not going to be pushed aside and forgotten. Like that time at my sister's funeral.

Kenneth:

Ma'am, I don't think bullying people is the way to get them to help you.

Jenna:

This is show business. Being nice gets you nowhere.

Kenneth:

No, being nice can get you everywhere. Florence Henderson used to bake cookies for the Brady Bunch writers. And in return, they wrote her the role of a lifetime. As her own Grandma Hutchins.

Jenna:

I don't really remember The Brady Bunch, 'cause I was too young. But being nice to the writers. Interesting idea.

Kenneth:

Think about it.

Real American Humor

Kenneth:

Excuse me, Mr. Donaghy? I wasn't sure if you were participating in this year's pumpkin carving contest. Or if, like last year, I should go jump up my own ass.

Hey, I work across the street and I saw you guys are having a Halloween party.

Frank:

Yeah, we are.

Lady:

Could you close your blinds? You're really bumming all of us out.

Toofer:

It's humiliating.

Frank:

Guys, we can't give up on Halloween. It's a magical night where women dress slutty and drink too much. Where we can hide our bodies in bulky costumes. We've got to keep trying.

Lutz:

But we suck!

Frank:

Yes, but anything can happen on Halloween. Up is down. Black is white. Good is evil. And evil becomes good.

Jenna:

Hey, writers. I baked you cookies.

Nothing Happens on Charlie Rose

Tracy:

Jack, you have to help me! I'm going to die any minute.

Jack:

What are you talking about?

Tracy:

Celebrities, they always die in groups of three. Two have already died. And I might be the next to go.

Jack:

That's ridiculous.

Tracy:

I've got to go somewhere where nothing will happen to me. Can you get me on Charlie Rose?

Jack:

Tracy, you have nothing to worry about. The Rule of Threes is a myth. It doesn't exist. Like going bald with dignity. That said, I would prefer if you take the next one.

Jenna and the Writers

Jenna:

So, this all started when their plane crashed?

Toofer:

That's Lost.

Jenna:

Oh, right. You know, I met J.J. Abrams once. And I don't know what this means, but he said the island is just Hurley's dream.

Toofer:

Why is Jenna hanging out with us?

Frank:

'Cause she's freaking out about the new cast member, so she's trying to suck up.

Lutz:

I don't like having her around.

Frank:

Don't worry, we'll get rid of her. One prank at a time.

Jenna:

There my buddies are. Oh, wow, they painted the ceiling in here.

Fatty Fat America

Jack:

We're going to find the perfect person for the show down here. Someone who represents the real America.

Liz:

Jack, for the 80th time, no part of America is more American than any other part.

Jack:

You are wrong. Small towns are where you see the kindness and goodness and courage of everyday Americans. The folks who are teaching our kids, running our prisons growing our cigarettes. People who are still living by core American values.

Liz:

There are plenty of core American values in New York. But there are not restaurants called Fatty Fat's Sandwich Ranch. Turn here, turn here!

Jack:

Uh, Lemon, if this is going to play out like lunch, I suggest you crack your window now and save yourself the embarrassment in 20 minutes. Now they have hush puppies here, which you might know better as a knish or a beignet.

Liz:

I know what you're trying to do, Jack. You want to paint me as this New York snob. Can I share with you my world view?

Jack:

I'd rather hear you sing ''Rocket Man'' again.

Liz:

All of humankind has one thing in common: The sandwich. I believe that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich.

Jack:

What a surprise. Your world view is food-based.

Liz:

And who am I to say that my delicious Italian sub is better than its Stone Mountain equivalent? Which is why I will have the carp po' boy with extra chuckle.

Taking The Rule into his own Hands

Tracy:

Keep refreshing. Maybe Andy Dick has died in the last 20 seconds.

Kenneth:

Okay, I'll keep looking.

Tracy:

No, I have to take matters into my own hands.

Betty White :

Hello?

Tracy:

Boo!

Betty White :

Who is this?

Tracy:

Hey, Betty, it's T.J.

Betty White :

Tracy, I haven't seen you since that Rapping Grandma movie we did. You were so funny as the rapping grandma.

Tracy:

So how are you feeling? Any arm pain? Shortness of breath? Plans to investigate corruption in Russia?

Betty White :

Wait a minute. Are you calling because the Pac-Man guy and Jugbert Cody died? Is this a Rule of Threes call?

Tracy:

Um, no.

Betty White :

Nice try, Jordan. But I am going to be at your funeral. I will bury you.

Typical New Yorkers

Liz:

Oh, this carp sandwich is not agreeing with my world view.

Travis Hoagle:

Hello there, folks. How y'all doing on this fine October?

Liz:

We have reservations under Donaghy and Lemon. We need keys.

Travis Hoagle:

Are y'all from New York?

Jack:

Yes, how can you tell?

Travis Hoagle:

New York people... Always in a real big...

Liz:

Hurry, yeah. No, it's not because we're from New York. We're all the same... sandwiches.

See, you think you're not this prejudiced, arrogant New Yorker, but you are. Because in your mind, a Southern ventriloquist act can't be funny. But you know who does think it's funny? These people. These wonderful, folksy, simple...

Liz:

Stop calling them simple. You know what? You're the prejudiced one. Sure, some of these people are simple. But some of them are smart. Like Matlock. Or wholesome. Like Elly Mae Clampett. And some of them are skeevy dirtbags, like the Dukes of Hazzard, driving around like maniacs. Children use those roads. My point is Americans are the same everywhere. In that we are all different.

Jack:

You're wrong, Lemon. These people are better, purer. Do you know what I did this morning? I assisted in the birth of a foal. They named it Jack. And it was delicious. I know what I'm doing here, Lemon. We're hiring Rick and Pumpkin.

Liz:

We're not hiring anyone until I see them.

Jack:

Good God, Lemon, your breath. When did you find time to eat a diaper that you found on the beach?

Tracy meets Jimmy Fallon

Jimmy Fallon:

Hi, I'm trying to get to Studio 6-B from here? I'm still finding my way around.

Well, Jack says I'm just an obnoxious New Yorker. So that's what Rick Wayne is going to get tonight. And it's going to get ugly.

Pete:

What are you... Oh, my God. You're going to heckle him. Like that time I invited you to see my cover band.

Liz:

Yeah, and today, the world is better off without the Pete Hornberger Alan Parsons Project Project. I may be dehydrated. I may still be working a little chuckle out of my system, but don't worry. When I'm done, the last thing Rick Wayne and Pumpkin are going to want to do is come to New York.

Dated Cultural References

Cerie:

You guys, I am so excited, I already put on my costume. Get it? I'm an Italian senator.

Jenna:

Don't you love it? It's going to be awesome. And with one word, I can make it all go away.

Toofer:

Wait, what are you talking about?

Jenna:

Oh, cut the crap. You boys are just pretending to like me to get in on gay Halloween.

Frank:

Okay, what do you want?

Jenna:

I want two good sketches a week, a promise to hate the new cast member and no more making fun of me when I misuse dated cultural references, okay? Are we cowabunga on this?

Frank:

Fine, we're cowabunga.

Jenna:

Good, but if I wake up in any of your apartments tomorrow morning you will buy me breakfast.

Frank:

Great.

Liz Heckles Pumpkin

Announcer:

All right, the last pig is in the chuckling chute, and we're now the Laugh Factory! We've got a great show for y'all tonight, and we're going to get right to it with Stone Mountain's own Rick Wayne and Pumpkin!