Lindsay Wants To Dish Her Dirt For Dough

Actress, addict, and leggings-lover Lindsay Lohan is desperate to write a memoir about growing up Hollywood,. because after three rehab stints and a lot of crappy extensions, she’s apparently in dire need of some cash. The story would supposedly be modeled after Drew Barrymore‘s early 90’s tell-all Little Girl Lost, and we are oh-so desperate to read it. Luckily we’ve crafted a little sneak peak to satiate our hunger for her not-yet written auto-trash-ography. Enjoy.

Wilmer Valderama was like, the best boyfriend ever. The relationship was kind of illegal because of our age difference, but my mom was totally cool with it. She was all, “It’ll help your career if you date the guy from That 70’s Show!” And I was all, “Okay cool, well I already dated Aaron Carter, and that didn’t get me a record deal.” It just proved that she’s a great manager, because she was totally right – I definitely landed my part in Herbie: Fully Loaded thanks to my relash with Wilmer. People love kid movies that star salacious teenagers! My mom also totally didn’t care that Wilms was like, 48-years old or whatever. And he was so fun to date; we used to like, laugh all the time about other people together. He was cool when I wanted to watch cartoons and I was cool with him doing his character from That 70s Show constantly. When we broke up I sought solace into the only pair of arms that could hold me: Nicole Richie. Well, actually, she couldn’t hold me, but it didn’t matter because she was so awesomely skinny – and so awesomely connected to the dark side. Not Scientology, I mean the OTHER dark side. Well, technically it’s white, so maybe it should be called the white and powdery side. I’m confused. Ugh, how much more of this thing do I have to write? 200 pages? That’s insane! You better read this whole thing, reader. I could totally find you and kick your ass – I’m a celebrity AND I’m from Long Island, jerks!!!!!!

Wait, am I writing a text message or my book? Oh. I probably shouldn’t be doing this on my Blackberry, huh. And now, on to the next chapter, How to Get Super Skinny After Being Hospitalized for an Asthma Attack.