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It's another one of these nights, where after a relatively good day at the job I love, I get home, take off my winter boots, the coat, and just flop on my bed in tears, for no reason. I'm 26, have had a 5 year relationship, followed by a 6 year of complete emptiness. No dates, a single crush that I had to get over because she was with someone else, plenty of valuable friendships, though. I'm sure one of them would listen to me rant... but I'm not selfish enough to take it. I'm not selfish enough to do anything. Ever.

I feel like the only identity I have is that I'm always doing the "good guy" act. I wouldn't call it an act, I believe it is a genuine part of me, but I feel like it's the only part of me I'm sure of. I feel like my sense of morals has been the only thing I could put upfront to define myself, ever. I feel that someone that only really knows how to be nice ultimately never truly wins without being just a little selfish. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be single right now had I not decided to shut it, and follow the only guideline I ever followed, my morals, and what I feel is the right thing to do.

That being said, I still respect myself for doing so, and respect goes a long way. After I was done with my last relationship, it took me about 2 years to get myself straight and truly say I moved on. In the process, I had gained a lot of weight(about 70 pounds), lost all my confidence, and to a certain extent, lost what I felt was my identity. I was putting too much of me in that relationship, and I forgot to picture my life without her. A big mistake.

I've been working hard to try and figure myself out. Identity crysis, pretty much. I never stopped to question myself about what I wanted out of life(aside from the obvious, a loving wife, a warm family, etc), what were my dreams, what did I want to see, what do I want to do, etc. Life is only as boring/fun as you make it to be, right?

Why am I having such a hard time wanting things? Why is it that 95% of the time I ask myself a question, and that I have a choice to make, I don't give enough fucks to care to look for an answer? Examples of my thought process:

How am I expected to carry a conversation if I can't figure out who I am, myself? And yet, years later, I still don't know. I feel like I adapt myself to social situations, but I put on a different mask for everyone I talk to, because I want people to like me, but really, that would be their problem if they disliked me for an opinion I voiced, or whatnot. That's what life is about, everybody's different, right? I feel like I know what to do to snap out of it, and yet, I couldn't budge from there for so long.

I know that in the end, the lack of human warmth/affection is doing it's number on me, after so long. I feel like I'm wasting the better part of my youth not even knowing who I am, and that by the time I'll wake up, it'll be too late. My last girlfriend was a long-distance thing even. We could see each other about once or twice a month, tops. The next person I end up dating will feel like she's dating a child that has seen nothing, done nothing, and knows nothing. Not even about himself.

I... I don't know what to do. The nights I feel this way are getting closer and closer. I feel this weight on my chest that I feel nobody can truly help me with but myself. It's not like a girl would magically appear out of nowhere, see me looking like shit and help me back up.

How am I supposed to be interesting for the opposite gender if my mind is constantly in the slums? Nobody wants a broken toy. I'm pretty sure none of my friends knows that I feel like this... and yet I can't bring myself to tell them... because I don't want it to turn into some lame pity party, I'm not a child anymore.

I don't expect anyone to read all of this, it just really needed to come out. And if any of you did get to this, you don't have to comment. Just... Thanks.

It sounds like you may be suffering from depression..sometimes just speaking to a therapist can be helpful, or there may be a medicine that could help. I don't think there is anything wrong with you. I hope things start looking up for you!

I was depressed for a long time, but oddly enough, the people I found in the last 2 years really saved me. I went there expecting a day-in day-out shift, and instead found myself thrown in the middle of a really happy bunch. Things have been looking up, so it's not so bad anymore on that aspect.

Thank you for the reply, and the read. I truly appreciate it. And, I just feel like I must say it, but while I do believe depression is a real illness, I don't believe in medication that would change my mood, because, even then, my happiness would be artificial. I can hold my ground until the real thing gets to me. :)

Everyone adapts themselves to social situations. I'm not the same person I am at work as who I am around my friends, so don't let that worry you too much. And the fact that you have stuck to your morals and kept being a good guy also speaks volumes to the person you are.

You don't need a girlfriend to tell you who you are, but you aren't automatically going to be shut down by girls just because you're not totally sure. If you are interested in dating, give it a try. A girl isn't going to magically appear out of nowhere, as you put it, you might need to go out and look.

You have a job that you love, which is waaaay more important than being able to make a decision about what to have for dinner. You obviously have interests and from your writing, you seem smart and self-aware. Make those your strong points when you meet someone new.

Just remember that no one else can make you happy but you. Also, talking to your friends about your life isn't throwing a pity party, it's talking to your friends. That's what they're there for.

I haven't really given dating a fair try, because I haven't been able to get a date. But even then, in some ways, I feel like I should iron myself out first, get in touch with myself a bit more. Look better, work harder, play harder. Yet at the same time... That lack of warmth is eating away at me every single passing day.

I did try a few approaches, through friends, extended social circle, online, and while I'm not particularely difficult, I'm looking for chemistry. Attraction is nice, but chemistry is absolutely needed, or I just won't enjoy myself in the relationship. I know everybody ends up in some sort of identity crysis at some point in time, and heck, some women I've approached could be in the same boat.

And yet... I feel like it's hard to talk about myself, truly, during a hypothetical date, if I'm not even sure what I do want in life. When I typically approach women, my "problem" is that all I've ever known to do is being the good guy. Women will either shrug it off as another friend, or take advantage of me when it feels convenient to. (onoz my computer broke pls halp) EDIT: I don't believe every women is that way. But I feel like mostly everyone I met classified me as such.

And I was referring specifically to how my mind usually works, but it extends to almost every question I'm asked. I'll know what I don't want, but I don't know what I do want. And to add to it all, I'm completely oblivious to signs women could send my way. I'm black or white. I'll either think everything a girl does is to woo me, or I'll just figure everyone's just being friendly.

I'll try talking with some of my friends and see how they respond. I know I can trust them, I just always value others' time to be more important than my problems. (aka can't be selfish)

Regardless. I truly appreciate your response. Thank you for reading and putting down some food for my thoughts.

Dating is hard, and yeah, if you aren't feeling quite ready to give it a shot, then maybe it is best to wait a while. I know how you feel though, I've been sleeping alone for a reallllllly long time. At least I have cats and they will snuggle me.

Being the "good guy" is a good thing! As long as you make sure the women you meet aren't the advantage taking type. And if they type like "pls halp" you should run away :D and no, not all women will turn the nice guy into just a friend, or take advantage. I don't know why I see so many stereotypes that from guys that women only want the bad boys, when all the women I know are with good guys. Except me, cause I have cats, lol.

Did you have a chance to talk to your friends yet? Did they have any good advice? I know mine isn't the greatest, just what I have to offer from my own silly life, but hopefully it did help some.

Hey! I actually meant to come back and give some feedback. I did talk to one of my friends at work about the entire situation, through and through. I could tell she was incredibly surprised and couldn't believe the whole picture I've been keeping to myself. She was understanding and supportive and of course said she was rooting for me. I did feel a weight off my shoulders at that moment, though I know it won't solve the problem and it's likely to dread me again anytime between now and a few weeks, it's still quality time I won't have to overthink things too much and possibly get to vent it out as it comes, instead of months later.

I did mention everything, even about the girl I liked at work, and the whole history of it, how I reacted, my train of thoughts, etc. (that was a really long talk, but she seemed determined to squeeze everything out of me).

And I don't really believe women gun for the bad boys. When I tried online dating, of the few replies I got, one of the girls definitely put me on a pedestal all the time; kind of like what I do with some women I like, and I noticed how incredibly annoying that is. It was a real eye-opener for me. I instantly didn't feel as attracted to her, and that's when I realized it's likely I've been producing the same effect when I try to go for somebody, hence, wearing a "mask". It's fun to have someone not always agree, challenge you on things, or have different opinions. That made me realize and decide that from now on, I'd stop doing that. While it can be flattering to some, it's definitely annoying to others, making my approach my issue, most likely. I'll give that a shot for a little while.

I wish I could have cats or dogs. I can't have any animals at my current appartment(and I love my appartment, too, so no moving!), and I'm allergic to cats(the only thing I could get). Appartment just feels not lively at all. Lights off, not a single sound. That hits me in the feels every night but it'll get better. There are worst things in life. :)

I really appreciate the time you took replying to me. And thanks for putting up with my messy sentence structure at times. Haven't been writing long texts in english in a long time.

I agree with Mooski87, it sounds like you are depressed. Either way, I read through the whole thing, and you aren't alone in the way that you feel. I'm sorry times are tough for you, and I wish you the best.