Category Archives: Afternoon Humor

It was a change so suble that I wouldn’t have even noticed it if my husband hadn’t mentioned it to me earlier in the evening.

“He’s getting older,” he said, “you probably shouldn’t kiss him on the lips any more”

Is he really that old? I thought.

And then at bed time, my nearly 3 year old told me: “Kiss me on the cheek”

Did anyone else hear that? That was the sound of a Mom’s heart breaking. It was so quiet and so subtle that you only hear it if you’re listening for it, and you only listen when you know that it exists. It was the first time that my son has vocalized that he is too old for something that Mom has been doing. So are these now only okay when you’re sick, or have we grown out of those, too? So where is the line now drawn? Is it only bedtime? Is it forever (an ever, amen)? Or was this just a one night thing? Oh please let it be a one night thing.

In the spirit of my kids growing up, Joshua started sleeping 10 hours a night this week. Didn’t I just give birth to him?!

Except that was apparently 2 MONTHS ago! Why didn’t time fly like this when I was knocked up?! 2 nights ago, he started sleeping for 10 hours and this is the face of someone who just slept 10 hours:

And THIS is someone who really, really, really appreciated that:

However, since then, he’s a lot less smiles and a lot more of this:

It would appear that my kid is going through his very first legitimate growth spurt that is a pain in my ass. He’s sleeping through the night like my favorite child, but now he’s eating all of the time during the day, really fussy when I set him down, and some days he almost isn’t my favorite child. But he can’t ask “why?” yet, so most days he still is. Except that my house is a mess, I have a “To Do” list 6 miles long, and I would love to be able to set him down 3 days into this.

And because I’m not even going to pretend to try to catch you up on the last 2 months of my life with 2 kids that I’ve been MIA on my blog, I’ll instead just tell you that this last week we joined Angel on his audit in Chicago. We took the boys to the Shedd Aquarium with our friends who live there, went to the Nature Center, and generally had a great week while Daddy worked.

Aaaaand there’s 2 months in one blog post, that doesn’t even begin what I’ve been up to for 2 months. To summarize, my life is run by an army of tiny men, who I’ve created.

Enjoying the caffeine that I had for lunch. First time in 9 months but I just could not resist the cherry coke so I had a small one and it was as amazing as I thought it would be. Mmmmmm, cherry coke. Besides, maybe by giving this little man some caffeine will be the final shove that he needs to break free.

I am:

38 weeks

Huge

Also enjoying the caffeine that I had for lunch.

Oh, the memories:

I feel like a time bomb. I waddle. I wake up 10 times a night to pee. The taste of Tums makes me gag. I have morning sickness again. All of these things are coming back to me one nauseous wave at a time.

Surprising:

Yesterday I guess I didn’t drink enough water so in the evening I was getting some serious contractions. At first I wasn’t sure if they were real or braxton hix but after about an hour it dawned on me that I should maybe time them because they were really getting painful. So I sat on the couch with a GIANT glass of water and a timer and put my feet up and they started to calm down eventually. Before they started calming down and I thought they might be real I started to panic. PANIC. I’m so uncomfortable, but I’m perfectly comfortable complaining about how uncomfortable I am and the thought that I need to leave Lucas for 3 days, go get surgery, and come home with another tiny human who I’m responsible for… nope! I’m not ready but the train is approaching the station and the tracks only work in one direction.

Lucas is so excited to have a baby. He came running up to me crying this week, hugging my belly, and telling me that he wanted to keep Mama’s baby. He loves to tickle my belly, talk to his brother, and give him hugs. He’s going to be so in love in a few days when he sees his little brother for the first time and I can’t wait to witness it.

Just packing on pure baby chub at this point and perfecting his lungs. You know, for all of the screaming and crying that he’s going to be doing

I am:

Tired. If I don’t nap in the afternoon, I’m a pure bitch. There’s no way to sugar coat that.

Waddling now. I couldn’t walk straight if I wanted to.

Peeing every 2 minutes. I’m like a dog marking my territory in the most annoying way possible.

Pretty sure that the baby is dropping or has dropped with these last 2 symptoms.

Oh, the memories:

It’s all coming back to me how hard it is to function. It’s hard to get in and out of cars, up and down from the couch, on and off of chairs, and in and out of bed. Readers, think of me fondly next time you pop off of the couch and grab a glass of water from the kitchen. I’m like a sloth…. who makes a lot of grunting noises.

Surprising:

So with Lucas ignorance was bliss. I didn’t realize that his movements went down and I should be concerned and after his delivery and fact that he was so tangled in his cord I’m now terrified that it’s going to happen again. I haven’t felt the baby really wack me in the last 10 minutes, should I be worried about this? Maybe I should call the doctor to check. Oh, there he is. But is that enough movement? How long between movements was that? They don’t seem as strong as I thought they were, maybe I should go get checked out? All. Day. Long. If he’s not moving, I’m freaking out why and when he is moving I’m freaking out if it’s enough. I can’t wait until this kid is here already so I can obsess over him in person while ignoring him at the same time (because isn’t that what you do to a second child?).

I’ve been slacking, I get it. I’m writing about 34 weeks, even though I’m 35 already. Just pretend that this was about 5 days ago.

I also missed week 33:

That’s right, week 33 was partially spent on Mackinac Island. It’s a tiny, historic island between lower Michigan and the Upper Peninsula of Michigan (the bridge between the two is in the background of my photo). The cool thing about this place is that you have to take a ferry, and there aren’t any cars on the island. We’ve been meaning to go since we moved to Michigan and the reality of needing to go before there were 4 of us was sinking in, so we went. I was excited, but also secretly terrified that something was going to happen while I was a walk, boat, and 4 hour car ride away from my doctor and hospital. Yep, probably risky at 33 weeks and that’s why I never asked my doctor for permission. It all worked out and was soooo much fun but I was swelling up and hurting pretty bad by the time we got home. It was a lot of walking this late in the game and there were some things that I just wasn’t able to do, which really made me sad. There’s a fort at the top of the hill on the island that we wanted to go through and I just couldn’t bring myself to admit that it was out of my reach, but we never got to go because I “wasn’t feeling well” which was as close as I could come. It was a tough pill to swallow to try to do something and see something that would normally be no big deal and struggle and not be able to do it. I hate asking for help for things that I should be able to do, and I hate making people not do something they want to because I can’t. While I had a blast on the island and I’m thrilled that we went, it was in the back of my mind that I felt like I was holding everyone back. So we’re going to have to return so that we can scale that hill and fort and go check out some of the historic hotels.

Now on to 34 weeks.

This week included Father’s Day. What a better way to celebrate Angel then by getting ready to welcome another little boy into our family? And because Angel is such an awesome dad, you know how he wanted to celebrate? He took us out to a nice brunch, and then took Lucas to go get a new truck toy. It was so adorable and selfless that I wanted to cry hormonal tears into my Tums bottle.

Once you have kids, your words come back to bite you. I’ve been working hard on “please” and “thank you” with Lucas. I know he’s understanding it because not only is he using it (correctly), but today he told me “say ‘thank you, Lucas'” when he got my shoes for me. Touche, you pint sized component. My mom and I were laughing about it and she reminded me that it never ends and used the snippit that I posted on Father’s Day as an example (that wisdom came from her). Here’s another piece of proof that your daughter hears what you say, mom: My kid is really starting to get a personality and be a mini me. It’s never too late to decide what kind of Mom that I want to be and I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. Here’s what I’ve come up with: I don’t want to be a cool Mom. I’m not going to be a friend to my kids. My kids are going to have a life time of opportunities to make friends but I am the only mom they have the chance to have. They don’t need a friend, they need a Mom. I want them to know that my “yes” means “yes” and my “no” means “no” and I’m well on my way when my 2 year old is pointing out to me that I asked him for a favor and never said “thank you.” The rules apply to Mom as well.

There’s my verbal vomit for 33 and 34 weeks. Stay tuned for week 35, which should be coming any day now.

Hauling around a chest to feed a nation. Let’s take a minute to talk about my boobs. No? We don’t need to because you can see them from wherever you are reading this? I believe you.

Feeling pretty exhausted by this whole pregnancy thing. I’m mastering the “I’ve given up” look and if I didn’t feel obligated to shower and put on makeup once a week for these blog photos it would probably never happen. I feel so big and fat sometimes that it’s hard to keep my chin up. Luckily, I can just prop it up on my boobs.

Oh, the memories:

I’m suddenly scared of delivery. Terrified. It’s one of those things that I don’t think about until I’m fully committed and without it being that way this would never happen. I’m so freaked out by having another c section that I woke up in the middle of the night this week and started crying. I’m even more scared this time because I already have a little boy at home who needs me and I’m going to be gone for 2 days having surgery.

Surprising:

I take prison showers: 5 minutes, cold, and with an audience. This time around I have a tiny man in my bedroom getting into things and yelling at me while I try to shower. Not really pregnancy related, but is a new experience when mobility is already limited.

I want to take a moment to pat myself on the back. Lucas and I were at Target this week and at the check out line, Lucas reached down grab a box of animal crackers off of the shelf and gave it to me with a big smile and said “aminal crackers please, mama?” so I said “okay!” and told him to give it to the cashier. After she gave it back he asked me to open it and when I did and gave it back he said “thank you” with a big smile and started eating them while I finished checking out. The cashier looked at me and said “You have such a polite boy!” I thanked her but in the back of my head I’m proud of the fact that all of our hard work at not raising an asshole is finally paying off and being noticed by strangers. By all means, don’t think that he acts like this all of the time. We’ve been that family more than once in many different types of venues. But for just a moment, I looked like the mom who’s son acts like that all of the time and I felt the glares from all other moms in the store. It was everything I dreamed it would be.

Short post this week (4 days late), but I have a husband who is outside grilling dinner and pushing Lucas on the swing. It’s like mom porn and I’m dying to go join them. So frankly, you all just aren’t as important.

Getting big enough that I can identify body parts. This is especially cool for me because I never had moments like this when I was pregnant with Lucas. I was laying in bed the other night and could feel his head, shoulders, and back. Naturally, I started poking them and having Angel feel them and my little guy started punching me every time that I poked him. I thought it was great, so I kept going and he kept rolling around away from me and kicking. It was my first opportunity to really annoy him and I took full advantage. I’m just getting him prepared for his brother and a dog- neither of whom understand personal space.

I am:

Wondering why I thought another baby was a good idea.

Only half kidding. I was looking for the old blog post when I was pregnant with Lucas and wondering if we made the right decision to have a baby because it’s never going to be just the two of us, life was about to change, and I wasn’t sure why we thought it was a good idea. I looked for the old post to link but I don’t have the patience to sift through them all so you’re going to have to take my word for it. Anyhow, I’m mentally at that point again. Convenient, since there is a strict “no return” policy that’s going to kick in any day now if we want to be realistic. Hopefully he’s going to stay in there longer, but I’m only a day or two shy of 32 weeks right now and babies born at 32 weeks are largely healthy. So here I am, wondering why we thought this was a good idea again because it’s never going to be just the three of us, life is about to change, and I’m not sure why we’re doing this.

Expecting the outcome to be as awesome as it has been with Lucas, because obviously we want this baby it’s just the hormones talking.

Oh, the memories:

I’m waking up now to go to the bathroom multiple times a night. Serves me right for boasting last week about how lucky I was in the sleep department. I can’t always go back to sleep right away anymore, either. Time to charge my kindle and pick out a few new books because I have a lot of down time laying in bed wondering how tired I’m going to be in the morning.

Surprising:

I don’t recall losing my ability to move, bend, and get around being this limited. I probably was, but this is just another example of being quick to forget. And if I’m being honest, I hope that it is a second time as well. I’m uncomfortable.

This week, my life as a mom of boys really set in. I got in my car and it smelled like chlorine and feet, I purchased a stronger laundry stain remover, and I googled how to remove gasoline smell… And then I cried into my purse collection. I’m the lone (wo)man standing in this house. But you know the really cool thing about being the only woman in the house? My boys only have me as an example for how to treat women, I’m the mom, and nothing is more scary to a boy than his mother. They’re going to grow up thinking that all women are as great as I am and it’s my job to screw them up in my own specific way. They’re never going to know the difference.

In other news, the family spent some time together this weekend. We took Lucas to the zoo, which may be his new favorite thing.

He’s STILL talking about the animals. His favorite thing was probably the fact that a bird pooped on my car, but the memory is there from the zoo (sigh). He now informs me every time that we get into my chlorine and feet smelling car that it needs a bath because the bird pooped. Life was a touch easier before he had words.

Time to wake up the little monster, so here’s where I leave you. Everyone enjoy your weekend and think of me fondly when you bend over to pick something up off of the floor.

Head down with a heartbeat of 141 (as of 20 minutes ago at the doctor but has since woken up)

Fully developed: just packing on chub, perfecting his breathing, and growing a head full of hair

I am:

Up 22 Pounds (feeling more like 42). Since I haven’t really swollen yet, the majority of it is straight out so there’s a lot of turning sideways to get around. A “Wide Load” sign is probably appropriate.

Tired. All I really have the energy to tell you is that I don’t have the energy to do anything. Angel (who never mentions housework that doesn’t get done because he loves me and values his life) even came home late last night to see me half asleep laying on the couch watching reruns of Shark Tank surrounded by dirty dishes, wall-to-wall toys, shoes and clothes and said “Oh, wow” and started laughing. I didn’t even have the energy to tell him that “whatever you think I do all day, didn’t get done today.” That included showering and changing out of pajamas (for neither Lucas nor myself). We ate oatmeal for dinner. It wasn’t my finest moment but was all I could do to get through a long day on my own with Lucas.

Oh, the memories:

Acid reflux is back. And this is while I’m on prescription medication. I’m going to go ahead and bring a razor to the hospital to shave his beard because I’m apparently gearing up to give birth to a miniature chewbacca. What is with me and growing hairy babies? I have it way worse this time and I had it so bad with Lucas. Lucas was born with a hairy back and a full head of black hair so in my experience the old wive’s tale about acid reflux and hair is 1,000% accurate:

Surprising:

I feel so much bigger than I remember being last time at this stage. I’m already outgrowing maternity clothes and yelling at them in my closet like it’s their fault. Maternity clothes really should be labeled differently: Pregnancy 0-7 Months and Pregnancy 8-9 Months

I’ve gotten away thus far relatively unscathed with the sleeping situation. I’m not waking up to use the bathroom too much and am able to immediately fall back asleep. Last night pregnancy insomnia set in because I was awake until 4am making a list of things to pack for the hospital because when else would I be making a list of things that don’t need to happen right away?

I have a gut feeling that this baby is going to be bigger than Lucas and come early. My c section has been scheduled but I honestly just don’t feel like I’m going to make it. Before you laugh it off as crazy, I joked while pregnant with Lucas that I was going to have a 6 pound baby at 39 weeks and need I remind you that he came at exactly 39 weeks weighing 6 pounds 0 ounces? So my gut feeling of an 8 pound baby before my scheduled c section really has me alarmed.

I’m at this stage of my pregnancy now with 2 major differences: I’m not laying on my back, but my side. And I’m not eating carrots (unless those are the same thing as candy):

The looks that I’m getting in public are turning from those of “what a cute pregnant lady” to “wow, she looks miserable” as I really settle into my third trimester and waddle. I’m usually always carrying a 30 pound toddler because he doesn’t always like to walk on his own (thoughtful of him to make sure I’m getting my exercise, really). And speaking of the older brother, he is sooo incredibly clingy. If we leave the house and get around other kids, he grabs onto my leg and hides behind me. It’s like trying to scrape off gum from the bottom of your shoe: impossible without it getting stuck to something else. He can’t deny my belly anymore but I think he’s going to be a great big brother. We babysit my friend’s newborn every Monday for a few hours and he gets so into it. He helps me get the bottle and feed her and then rocks her and shows her his toys and says “hi, baby!” I’m sure it’s going to be different when the baby doesn’t go away, or when the baby starts moving and taking toys, but I’ll cross that bridge when we get there and enjoy the fact that I no longer worry about how Lucas is going to handle abdicating the throne.

In the mean time, I’m craving sea food. So the baby apparently needs whatever is in the tuna I ate for lunch or the sushi that I seriously want to pick up for dinner after yoga. Which I’m going to be late to if I don’t stop here and go change. So I’m off to get all namaste and enjoy a good laugh at my new inability to bend forward.

29 weeks: the size of an acorn squash, butternut squash, or some other form of squash depending on the book.

Making some moves that make me seriously wondering what he’s up to in there. Also, ouch. Those bones are developed.

I am:

Large and in charge. I’ve relocated my scale to the trash can, so I can only assume that I’m still gaining weight at an embarrassingly fast rate.

Missing my feet. I assume that they are still there, though I haven’t been able to see them in weeks. I wonder if I can convince Angel to paint my toes for me?

Oh, the memories:

Acid reflux is now just that: a memory. I asked the doctor what I can take and when she recommended some over the counter remedies I told her how excited I was and how bad I had been having it. She then responded with “Never mind, that’s not going to help you if it’s that bad. I’ll write you a prescription.” It’s life changing. It tasted like Mexican food and sleep and that’s exactly how I celebrated.

I’ve missed week 28 and nearly missed week 29 as well. This pregnancy is just flying by and I’m running out of time. I’m taking naps nearly every day now and it’s really sucking up my time to continue unpacking and cleaning the baby stuff from the basement. For a while there I was knocking items off of my list faster than I was adding them, but that is not the case any more. Mom, want to come back?

Maybe I’m just feeling like I have no energy because Angel and I have declared war on our 2 year old and his eating habits. All I have the energy to write on the matter is that we have a very stubborn little boy, who Angel says is “exactly like his mom.” In response to that, I threw myself on the floor, screamed, and then stormed out of the room with a pouty lip. My son is so not like me, I have no idea where he gets it.

That’s all I’m going to write today because there is some pineapple in my freezer that is calling my name to be made into a smoothie. Mmmmm, pineapple.