leaving, babies, and more

so I leave again tomorrow but this time to California, I still need to pack. I’m hoping its a good weekend but i know somethings gonna end up coming up. just enjoy it while its good i guess.

i saw the family yesterday, i was so overwhelmed. i felt like i was with strangers so i just stayed with the babies. i know i haven’t seen them in months so that’s to be expected. i only saw them for like 20 minutes though cause then the rest of the family got there so i just left, i didn’t wanna make a scene or want anything to come up. when i got there LD saw me and ran up to me saying my name, so did NL and AL. i got so happy. i got sad after though cause i tried to carry ADL but he didn’t remember me. so he just stared crying. theyre growing up so much. so fast. and it hurts going from seeing them so much to a couple minutes in months over something you cant control. i wish i could. none of this would of happened, things would be the same if it were up to me. theyre still my little babies in my eyes. my blessings. and i will always, always have a place in my heart. but i do miss the family. its just not something to talk about.

EO is being so weird lately. i think that’s gonna be over before it even starts. he’s just really hot and cold. and i need stability right now. i need to know i can rely on him and he hasn’t shown me that. and i want to be able to. i hope things turn around i really do. but well see what happens.

ive been telling myself that things get easier. that tomorrow is a new day. and i know ive gone through worse and i know other people have it worse then i have these past months but everything got so much heavier when my ground was taken away.