Somehow, i kinda want a cuf of coffee right now. A coffee would be nice at this time. Like really. Am i addicted or somehow?

*deep breath*

Anywayyyyy

I usually can get hold of problems and feelings that arise if I got my heart at the right path. I kinda have this positive mindset thing that I usually does which is sort of "i can do this" drive. It helps me to go through but I currently don't seem to be able to summon this drive. Heck, it won't even arise a little bit as if it has been a total alien.

These feelings stuff thus has been suffocating. It got me all upside down and stuff. It still does but I like to put it in past tense just for the feel that I got this under control. Those positive mindset arise when i know that i get this under control that if anything bad happen it is totally cool of some sort.

But.

We can't always be in control. That was kind of the point Allah gives us all the messy-ness. Isn't it? To show who is the boss.

Ok.

Well, actuallyyyyy,

in the middle of writing this,

I do took a break for coffee.

Haha.

Its' been raining and the evening dusk was achingly beautiful. It colours the sky with this orange dust and it's been such way during our entire dinner.

We have our dinner at this cute restaurant sitting on the high stool facing the street. It was a good choice. It was a beautiful evening to sat by the road and not facing each other. Soaked in our own little world.

When we get back, I actually sat by the sliding door facing outside of our apartment since we still have some time before dark. I wait until the orange glimpse was far outreach to the west with the said cup of coffee.

I love it. Allah was such a wonderful creator. I always at awe at how this unthinkable things struck us and somehow make us decide it is a wonderful and beautiful thing just in a split second.

Allah offers a lot.

What I always forgot these days is that no matter how hard or impossible it seem Allah never forgotten us. Never left us to walk those path alone. If only do we know where to find Him. Heck, the most important things is to actually remember to find him.

Despite the hopelessness and tiresome along the path, He gave us this little thing to sort of heal us a little. Like the beautiful evening dusk. To help to patch us up here and there so that we can move on. He knew us so well to treat us with this and that but we have failed to understand Him most of the time. I'm sorry Allah. Heck, I feel sorry for myself.

We have never be able to be in control.

This is where i have been wrong. The drive "i can do this" was not because i'm in control. But because i'm simply giving my best and hope for the best.

That is why we planned and leave the rest to Him. That is why He asked us to only put hope on Him and only Him. That is why we have to love Him with all we can offer and beyond so that we would never be heart broken.

How can it be possible to be heart broken when He can never let us down and would never let us go. He has been the one and only who has never left us. Isn't that proof enough?

Humans were flawed. I am flawed. Tainted. We keep getting push asides or push people away. We keep feeling unneeded and insignificant or made others feel so.

We were so fucked up that we cannot see that it was only the games put by shaytaan into our mind. Sometimes it was just some meaningless words helding no physical harm on us. Only petty little things that we encased in our brain, making us feel like in a total lockdown.

Allah say that He love us and gives all the life has offered and we were taken a back by some thoughts and says. He was worth more than that and we gives so little. No. I take that. We give nothing. Nothing.

We have nothing to give except for our obedience and efforts. To use this life the best way possible.

To keep on getting stronger with all the trials He give. Because he MATTERS and made everything else insignificant. He MATTERS and made everything else put into the right perspective

This is so important. Dearly important. I pray that I would always remember it.