Posts Tagged ‘meditating’

So this has been on my mind since Christmas. What does this new year mean to me? What are my dreams for 2010? To be certain, I don’t have any fantasies of forgetting about cancer, or being cancer free. That will never happen. I understand that now. “Remission” is a concept….and one I’ll not treat my brain to until I stop refilling the Arimidex ‘script (around November 2014, if all goes well in the next five years.) And for the idea of being “cancer-free”? Not possible, I don’t think. It’s kind of like being a mom. Once you have a baby, that child is always a part of you, even when they grow up and move away. Which, by the way, is my plan for cancer. When I grow up, it’s gonna move away. Still in my mind though.

I could say that I’ve turned over a new leaf and I’m going to start living healthier, except…I already was. I already was living a healthy life (stated with undertones of sarcasm) with lots of pysical and mental activity, eating right, was fairly well informed and doing good things for my community. So I pledge to be healthier. I am examining every bite I eat, adding the minutes of real exercise and reducing alcohol intake to a minimal amount, consumed only if seated at a meal. I am meditating every day, examining my motives, and trading stress for zen, well, at least I’m working on that last part. Even though I think I’m doing well when I step on the scales, I’ll be losing more weight.

So this is what I want for the New Year. Well, to be honest, I want a lot of things, but mostly what I want is to feel like I have made a difference. I hope that I have influenced someone to take their health care seriously. Not just in the real gritty mean streets of cancer land, but in all health matters….listen to your body. (I do kind of feel like a hypocrite with that last thought, because I was the queen of denial last Spring.)

I am still dedicated to the idea of using this stupid cancer as a teachable experience. I don’t know exactly how to best do that, but I am trying. I’d love it if my story became the impetus for someone nagging their mother, their sister, their friend, themselves to pick up the phone and make an appointment for a mammogram. I hope that women, once in their Doctor’s office, or with a Nurse Practitioner, demand to be shown how to do a good and effective Breast Self Exam for themselves, and not feel uncomfortable about it. God knows if groups like the U.S. Preventive Task Force (see my post from November 19th) have their way, you’ll really be on your own with detecting breast cancer.

So in the end, I refuse to say that 2009 has been a bad year. It has been a hell of a year, but it could have been worse. I could have had a Doctor who didn’t notice the lump…the same lump I didn’t feel. I’m grateful for Cindy Parke (Certified Nurse Midwife extraordinaire) beyond words. Without her experienced touch, I don’t even want to think about where I might be today.