Today I decided to begin the workout listening to a TED Talk then switch to ZZ Top and the gang. After scrolling through the list I chose Jia Jiang’s “What I Learned From 100 Days of Rejection.”

As someone who filled out countless job applications and modified a resume and cover letter as many times (with no real results), I feel like we are kindred spirits! His talk was funny, entertaining, and enlightening.

Personal Experience

Afterward, I began thinking about the rejection I’ve faced in my own life. The earliest one I recall was from high school.

In my junior year, a dance line was added to our band, which had been shrinking (I think they wanted to make it look bigger.) My closest friends were cheerleaders, majorettes, and sports heroes. This was one final chance for the outsiders to become part of the elite crowd that defined the football season.

I had no prior training in dance or cheering, which led me to a sudden-death dance off with another girl. We were vying for the last spot on the squad. Thanks to two left feet and a near-paralyzing case of nerves I didn’t make the cut.

I’ve forgotten quite a bit over the years and what remains is pretty foggy. However, I will never forget my reaction and the crushing sense of defeat I felt that Saturday afternoon.

I dreaded going to school on Monday, convinced the embarrassment would kill me (and was kind of wishing it would.)

But, it didn’t and, as the saying goes, it probably made me stronger so I could face down all the rejections yet to come!

“Most fears of rejection rest on the desire for approval from other people. Don’t base your self-esteem on their opinions.” Harvey Mackay

More recently, I felt that same sting of exclusion as I applied for job after job with only two interviews. Neither of these resulted in an offer of employment.

One of them was another sudden-death situation, but they chose the younger candidate. She had more experience in SEO they explained. By virtue of my age, I had lots of experience in lots of areas, just not SEO (close again girlfriend, but no cigars!)

When these events occur we see ourselves as inadequate. We quickly forget about our skills and many accomplishments. And it’s easy to feel this way because we’re focusing on one specific outcome instead of the whole picture.

Reaction & Rejection

The TED Talk helped me see that rejection often causes us to assume things that aren’t accurate. While we feel inept it may simply be that we’re not a good fit for that specific situation at that particular time. Mr. Jiang offers valuable strategies to counter these various episodes and the negative feelings they evoke.

His research taught him that people who truly change the world are often met with rejection that sometimes turns violent. He gives the examples of Martin Luther King, Jr., Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, and even Jesus Christ.

Rather than allowing the rejection to define them, they chose to let their reactions define them.

What if they had given up or run away? Imagine how differently their lives and impact on the world would have been.

Like this:

It’s not a question that someone recently asked me, but rather the one I ask myself on a regular basis.

When I’m working uninterrupted at my computer, I’m happy. When I’m sharing a delicious meal with loved ones, or receiving good news, I’m happy. There are obviously people and circumstances that evoke happiness within us.

In contrast, there are people and circumstances who induce anything but happiness.

So, emotions are transient; they change with any given day and situation.

However, I’m talking about the overarching view of our experiences; a more existential perspective like “What is the meaning of life?” Or, more specifically, “Does my life have meaning?”

Like everyone else, I’ve faced challenges along the way. Some people have endured far more than me, and others not nearly as much:

Two decades in a toxic marriage, but I did get out.

Always yearning for the college degree that I gave up, and finally graduating in 2013.

Putting my ailing father in a nursing home, where he lasted nine months.

Mustering the courage to leave the familiar to pursue something better, only to realize the value of familiar, while redefining better.

Thinking back over these difficulties, I will say that the outcomes were positive. Or were they?

Some people might focus on all the lost years and missed opportunities, which culminated in my current situation. I’m no longer gainfully employed, have no assets, and are attempting a new beginning.

What I do have is my health, people who care about me, and the belief that good things eventually come to those who wait, work, and believe.

If we obsess about the level of the water instead of celebrating the glass, we lose the ability to recognize happiness in any amount.

So, maybe happiness is really just perspective. After all, there will always be bumps in the road. But, how we view those bumps and navigate that road ultimately determines our destination.