Saturday, December 17, 2005

There is a certain gene that exists in humans, that renders them retarded at the mere mention of the word "sale." It must be something linked to those with two x chromosomes, because women seem to be particularly prone to this debilitating behavior.

During this phenomenon, which I've named a Sales Retardation Episode or SRE for short, women become increasingly neurotic and aggressive when provoked. Usually, they walk around as if they are wearing blinders. They are known to throw items into their shopping cart that they neither need nor want.

This afternoon, I witnessed one particular SRE where a woman, apparently flustered by the expansive number of sales throughout Kohl's, almost had a breakdown. She had a shopping cart full of items and as the poor Indian cashier woman was lifting the items up to find the tags, she would begin to panic. "Wait, let me look at that," she says and grabs back her item. She holds it up and inspects it, "I don't know if this will fit. Um... Well...Um...No, I don't want it." This time the prey (a pair of grey sleeper pants) gets away.

Now, a warning to those witnessing an SRE: SRE's are contagious and, since women travel in packs, can be quite contagious. A store can hold a large number of people, and therefore, things could get out of control.

SRE's also seem to be exacerbated by some retail tricks such as coupons, BOGO's, and early-bird specials (aka the door buster).

So, if you are in a store and you notice more than one sale occurring, your best bet is to turn around and take shelter in your home until the sale passes. Internet shopping is especially helpful for avoiding SRE's.