The little bowel movement that almost was

Things
have been fairly interesting of late. Let me back track to two weeks ago. I had been suffering from a pain in my left ovary that had gone from
slightly worrying to ‘omg I am going to die’. Which is my world takes anywhere
between two weeks and two seconds.

So, on
what was CD66 of my cycle (don’t you just love those PCOS cycles), I took
myself off to the doctor to have a scan of my bits. After much poking and prodding, the doctor
declared that it didn’t appear to be anything more ominous than a bit of
blocked bowel. In other words, I was
literally and figuratively ‘full of shit’. She prescribed a suppository to get things going and asked whether I wanted
to have a ‘peace of mind’ CA125 test. To rule out the ‘omg I am going to die’
factor. I said yes please. And because once an addict, always an addict,
I decided to throw in a little progesterone test along the way.

The
results came back that I wasn’t dying and that I had indeed ovulated. (prog = 42) Surprise surprise. By this time
the ovary pain had subsided as had my obsessing.

That was
that until this weekend, when the thought occurred to me that if I had ovulated,
then I should have had my period by now. Which got me thinking. What
if. Surely not! It can’t be! But what if!

After
456,000 conversations in my head, I decided to email the divine Dr H to ask him
whether a progesterone count of 42 always indicated ovulation and if ovulation
had occurred, whether one’s period should arrive 14 days later and whether it
was scientifically possible that maybe I could be pregnant. Hypothetically and
scientifically speaking, of course.

He came
back with “go get a blood test:

To which I
replied, “don’t be silly, I am infertile”. What a terrible waste of money.

This was
on Monday. By Monday afternoon, which
was also a rather impressive CD79, I was driving myself crazy. So I bought a HPT. Which came up immediately with two
lines. PREGNANT! What the fucking fuck. How could this happen. I sent the divine Dr H a text message to tell
him. To which he replied, “go get a
blood test”. This time I complied.

I got the
results back on Tuesday morning. Beta =
532, prog = 32. Which could have meant
(a) I am pregnant (b) I was pregnant, but am now miscarrying or (c)
Ectopic. The only way to know would be
to do another test 48 hours later.

I was
scared, happy, sad, nervous, freaked out. Marko’s first words were “but it’s impossible”, I replied “I KNOW!!” He immediately got out his measuring tape and
measured the spare room and I IM’ed Julie
for an hour. We both have our different ways of coping.

I’ve
spent the last two days feeling a million different emotions. At 4:30pm today, exactly 48 hours after the first
blood test, I had another one taken. This time I marked it ‘urgent’. I have just got the results back.

It’s
over. I am not even sure what the number
was, all I heard was six hundred and something and I knew it was over. The doctor muttered something about there
being a very small chance that it could work out, but I told her quite firmly “no,
it’s over. I’ve done this enough times to know”. This is my sixth pregnancy. I know how these
things work. (For those who don’t
know how these things work, the number should have been around a 1000. 600 and something clearly isn’t anywhere
close to a 1000)

My
biggest fear is that it is ectopic. I
will be very very cross if it is. It is
one thing to get a total mindfuck with a surprise pregnancy, it is another
thing to have to go through that horrible methotrexate
thing again. (Methotrexate is a chemo drug that is also used for ectopic
pregnancies)

“Methotrexate may cause very serious side effects. Some side
effects of methotrexate may cause death. You should only use methotrexate to
treat life-threatening cancer, or certain other conditions that are very severe
and that cannot be treated with other medications. Talk to your doctor about
the risks of taking methotrexate for your condition.”

Nice.

Dr Julie
assures me that her official diagnosis is “not ectopic” as my progesterone was
ok. I’m holding her to it.

Back on
Friday to check that the number is going down on its own (i.e. miscarrying naturally).
If it goes up slightly like it did this week, then it is probably ectopic. I am
going away on holiday next Friday and I REFUSE to be messing about with betas
and injections. I will make them give me
the metho right there and then.

Can you
believe this shit!!! I have THE worst
luck when it comes to reproduction.

But that’s
it now. I am totally done. This has
convinced me that I am done having children. I really can’t do this again. I
am going on the pill. It is exactly a
year ago when I had that spontaneous pregnancy and the whole thing is getting
very old now. As are my eggs, as am I.

On a
positive note, I got pregnant by having sex! For the second time! Which just
proves my point that sex is a very dangerous thing to do and we should restrict
it to once a year only. For safety’s sake.

Who knew you could get pregnant having SEX?! I thought that was a myth my mother told me to make sure I stayed chaste.

I'm really sorry this pregnancy didn't work out, Tertia. I'm praying for no methotrexate and a good holiday for you. At least, as good as it can be, all things considered. Be kind to yourself. Hugs from America.

I met a woman who is a friend of a friend for tea the other day. She also has massive infertility problems, with the result that she's adopted two kids. She had an interesting take on the fact that all her pregnancies resulted in miscarriage: she's not barren, and her husband isn't shooting blanks; she just isn't called to giving birth to her children - she's called to parent those who have no parents.

Must say that it rather took me by surprise, but after I'd thought about it for a while it made me realise that even this sucky, sucky place you're in can be viewed in different lights. It's all about how you choose to understand it.

I'm hoping and praying you can find the good in this, however hard you have to dig to find it. Personally, I'm not sure I can see it, but maybe, being on the inside (as it were) you can see it.

I'd give anything to be pregnant again. OK, NEARLY anything! I'm very proud of you that you've reached the point of knowing that you're done with this stuff. I think I still have a long road to walk before I get to that point!

Oh honey, I'm so sorry, this is so shitty. Can you get another ultrasound before taking the methotrexate? Just to rule out any complications? It's probably not ectopic, but still, take care honey. Let us know what happens.

same thing happened to me, when my IVF twins (fifth IVF attempt!) were only 6 mos old......talk about a mindfuck... I know exactly how you're feeling- it's just baffling how the human body works (or doesn't work, or sometimes works....). So sorry -- hope your holiday is able to go off without a hitch - you sure deserve it :)

Oh dear. My blood pressure rollercoasted for some precious seconds when I read your post. How I hate the resigned tone towards the end, you must be so sad. This is really and truly unfair and you don't deserve it. Any of this shit!!! None of it.

Please, do something nice for yourself and Marko as soon as you feel a bit better again. Take a weekend off and pamper yourselves.

You are a heroine of the reproductive battlefield. I wish you had better luck. Good, clever, honest, eloquent, witty, beautiful, sensitive, G and D Tertia. Hesitating )))hugs(((( from another hug-hater.

Holy f*ck Tertia I can't believe you got pregnant from sex AGAIN! When will you learn? Seriously though, what a great attitude you have. It seems like you can handle anything your crazy body throws at you. I'm sorry it had to work out this way but I'm glad that you are feeling strong and confident in your choices, good for you.

Oh T, I am so sorry! I got so excited for you as I read this. Excited that maybe your spontaneous shocking pg by sex would turn out better this time. I am so sorry you have to be dragged through this again. It sucks so much! And oh the run of methotrexate, I don't wish that on anyone. Last fall our super shocking pg by sex surprise had to be put to an end with the help of methotrexate since it just wouldn't fall properly to zero on its own (it sat in the 70s for a month, ugh). I survived but it wasn't fun. The oddest thing? I fell pg again a few weeks later. Again a shocking case of pg by sex after years of IF. Even more surprisingly, that one stuck. If you are really really done (and I certainly don't blame you given how crappy it has all been for you), be careful.

I'm sorry Tertia. I've been there a couple of times since the boys were born as well. As much as I would love another, we can't in any way do it. And I'm even older than you and terrified of becoming pregnant with a baby that isn't healthy. So I'm getting my tubes tied, very soon. That should put a stop to my worries.

Have you mentioned to the Mr. how quick and easy a vasectomy is? I had one, and love it. Free shooting with no worries. I bet it involves a lot less pain and recovery time than a boob job. Vasectomy FTW.

I'm so sorry. I wish I had the right words to say - it sucks just doesn't cover it.
One important thing I did want to share is that it could be a "blighted ovum" and not an ectopic. I had similar beta numbers - they kept going up but ever so slightly.
1st 454,
2nd (2 days later) 504 ,
3rd (4 more days later) 583,
4th (2 more days later) 652
With the 652 number they could actually see a very small empty sac on ultrasound (aka cooter wand).
Even though I had read a medical ref. I found (thanks to Julie's blog) that said you usually can't see anything until the beta is over 1000, they were able to see something in my case thus ruling out ectopic.
So....
by all means have them LOOK before just assuming it is ectopic and having you take that drug EVEN if the numbers are going up slightly.
Really sorry you have to deal with this.

OMG! OMG!!! You and I ARE kindled sisters!( Albeit in some sick-sense-of-humour-world where I got double fertility and you got none!) Remember last year, when we both had our surprise pregnancy together?? ( I emailed you with our whoopsy - same time as yours!) Well, our little mistake is now 6 months old!! Well - last week, I realised that I was late too! Had a thousand heart attacks! Really CAN'T have another baby now!! (Have 3 under the age of 4!!!) Did HPT - negative! Was sooo relieved!(Amazing how a negative test can invoke such differnet reactions, hey??) I am NOT taking any more chances - I had the Merina IUS inserted yesterday!! If that fails - I am going to sue!!

Sorry - also just wanted to say that I am so sorry for you! I hope you are REALLY OK and not just saying so! I know that hope - she never dies!! So - look after yourself and pamper yourself with LOADS of your fave things!! xx

When you "twittered" how quickly you can get sucked back into that world (or something like that) I just thought you were talking about dealing with the egg donor ladies. Now, I realise you were talking about hormone levels, blood tests, 48 hour waits, hopes, dreams, fantasies.

I am so, so sorry. Having JUST re-read your book makes this even more heartfelt and sad.

I feel like there's a helmet joke in there somewhere, but I suppose that since you don't know me you don't know that I'm the girlfriend that lovingly cracks jokes at inappropriate moments. So I'll just say how sorry I am that you have to go through all that again.

I'm sorry darling for the rollercoaster ride you are on. You know I adore you and wish that you'd gotten better news with the 2nd beta. I'll be thinking good thoughts for you. And having a drink, because pregnant from sex twice? How odd.

xoxo

PS - wouldn't it just be cheaper to rip up any of those coupons you've given Marko? ;)

Hey, been there too, earlier this year (including the part where one squashes the reassuring/hopeful talk of a medical professional). It sucks.
Could you bribe Marko into getting snipped? Like, in exchange for a few hundred coupons? I am imagining a Tertia Albertyn, International Woman of Mystery, moment, in which you snap open an attache case full of coupons, then quickly shut it before he can touch them.

I am sorry Tertia - I've had those pregnancies where you're over the moon one moment, and then mere seconds/days after finding out and ultimately planning an addition to your house and family it ends. Not easy on a woman. Not easy at all because no one knows how to react to the loss and I wasn't quite sure how to grieve because the minute I saw that extra line - no, the minute I thought "am I?" I would fall in love and have instant plans and hopes no matter how much my better judgement and husband would be telling me to take it easy and not put the cart before the horse.

It's not an easy thing to realize that you are finished. Emotionally, I don't think I'll ever be done. Physically and mentally, I could not stand the thought of going through the disappointment and pain again and so I very sadly closed up shop. I pulled my ticket out of the cosmic baby lottery so to speak. Not easy to do at all, but right for me and right for my family. It still doesn't stop the what ifs or the tug I feel when I see a new mother and baby, but it has lessened so that now it's bearable. It would be nice, but I'm 38. I'm not slowing down, but I'm not the same person I was even 5 years ago. I have my beautiful children, and it is time to focus on a new part of my life. Now to figure out what exactly that is.

WoW! and fuckity fuck! With the pregnancy I'm carrying now my first test was a 40 and my second only a 65. They didn't give me any hope either. The third was up in the 500's somewhere (more than 48 hrs later...but still nerve wracking because everyone said it would be dropping) and they had me come in for a scan. My prog didn't go above 35, my HCG numbers evened out, and I don't have an ectopic..I'm now at 24 weeks. So, even if your numbers go up, don't count it out and get that shot right away. This is my 6th IVF attempt, and my 4th pregnancy, and I've learned that the neither the docs nor I know everything about HCG numbers. It was the worst 2+ weeks of my life, and even though I obviously wanted to be pregnant, there were so many times where I wish the numbers would just go down and leave me alone. I hope for your sanity's sake that things resolve themselves. Don't rule out a "normal" pregnancy, though, trust me, that option is there too.

Tertia, the progesterone coming down... Didn't anybody tell you to start with progesterone shots IMMEDIATELY after your first beta??? You know, with us older ladies, progesterone is getting more difficult to produce.
Sorry, I do not want to worry you more than you are; but I am just excited about the fact that you got pregnant twice, naturally.
Anyway, I wish everything gets back to normal on Friday.
Best.

Right, I don't want to cause a panic, but WTF? You have been having pains in your "ovary" area, you are/were pregnant, the numbers are rising but not doubling and an earlier scan saw some sort of obstruction. Why the bloody hell have you not had a proper scan? Never mind sodding blood tests; you need someone to be taking a really close look at your tubes! And quickly!

I'm relieved to see that you'll be going to the doctor's tomorrow. Don't leave until they are positive it's not ectopic. Never mind your progesterone: ectopics are sneaky buggers and people get a whole variety of symptoms and non-symptoms. I was told mine "probably" wasn't an ectopic because my uterine lining was really thick. After being told the pain was due to a urinary tract infection. But whadda ya know, it WAS an ectopic and I had to have a full lap because there was too much blood splashing around in there for keyhole.

I really hope it'll will be a false alarm for you. But it HAS to be investigated throughly.

By the way, so sorry about the whole thing. After suffering all the infertility crap, not quite-infertility-but-still-crap is REALLY unfair.

Oh, my sweet girl. I am so sorry. Why does the Universe mess with you like this?!?! I just adore you and your family and I always want everything to go perfectly for you. I hate it when it doesn't! Sending love and good thoughts.

I'm sorry. I had three miscarriages in a row and a bout of infertility thrown in while TTC my second child (who was finally born au naturale via clomid and trigger shots). Remembering the betas and the waiting makes me fell ill. I am sorry you are going through it again.

If you are serious about non-fertility I can highly highly recommend the Mirena IUD. It lasts 5 years and has very few complications.

and i had just read about your boobs in the new york times this morning and was thinking how cheery you sounded! so so sorry---so much unexpected hope denied. you were so bad to have sex!!!! don't you know that can lead to horrible thigns!

So, so sorry about the whole mindfuck thing. However, on a more pragmatic note, I wanted to chime in with my last miscarriage experience, in which my beta levels continued to rise (oh so slowly) for like a month - I shit you not. At first I was going in every 48 hours, then every 3 days, then once a week.... and finally they started to come down, also oh so slowly. The whole thing took a full 3 months from beginning to end until my hormone levels were back to normal again (but then I got pregnant again the first time I ovulated, and it stuck, so I'm not complaining). I was offered a D&C early on, but didn't want to shell out the $ for it - of course, by the time I paid for all those blood tests, it was more than the D&C! Anyway, the point was that I did NOT have an ectopic, so you can't rely on the rising/falling beta to tell you that. Gotta do the scan. Best of luck in a shitty situation...