Monsters Who Smile

The story of Dylan Farrow and her public assertion of sexual assault suffered at the hands of Woody Allen twenty years ago has held my attention for the better part of a week. (I’m afraid that by the time this posts, the world will have moved on from this story. Here’s hoping.)

It’s an important story that exposes a lot of ugliness about our society and why it is still so difficult for rape victims to even come forward with their stories, much less find any justice. There has been a lot of very good writing on the topic by writers like Andrea Grimes and Aaron Bady and Tara Murtha, enough so that the world doesn’t need more from an old white male like me. Go read their essays.

As for me, the story crawled under my skin and just sort of stayed there. No big mystery why, I guess. When you read the details of Dylan Farrow’s case, the thing that comes up again and again is the disbelief that was piled on her from all directions. She’s twenty-eight now, and her account hasn’t changed, and yet there’s still an ongoing discussion of how much her account can be trusted. She was too young, she was manipulated, she’s lying, she’s brainwashed, it couldn’t have happened, her mother is using her, she’s emotionally unbalanced, don’t you like Woody Allen movies? It feels shameful, dirty, grotesque. The statistics for false rape accusations are ridiculously low, in the single digits, and yet there’s this persistent narrative presuming a kind of “he said, she said, we can never know for certain” balance. Watching how this story unfolds and how the original assault was just the beginning of the indignities visited upon Dylan Farrow, I honestly find it amazing that anyone ever comes forward at all.

So it’s frightening, imagining a young girl trying to navigate such an awful experience and to somehow convince the adults who are supposed to protect her that she’s telling the truth. For a child, that’s particularly hard because it is very likely that the truth she’s trying to tell is one that lies far beyond her understanding. We demand that children report unspeakable acts as if they are adults, as if their realm of experience could possible include such betrayal.

And it terrifies me, because for young people with disabilities, particularly intellectual disabilities and ESPECIALLY girls, such experiences occur at such a high rate that they are statistically unlikely to make it through their lives unscathed. And their ability to report it, let alone wrap their heads around what is happening to them, makes them a particularly vulnerable population. Vulnerable, and enticing.

I wrote about this before, last year after another big ugly news story brought the topic to the top of the news cycle for a little while. I’ll simply quote the relevant part, because it bears repeating:

In 2007, according to data from the National Crime Victimization Survey, about 47,000 persons with disabilities were victims of rape; rates of rape and sexual assault were more than twice those for people without disabilities. And among that population, people with cognitive disabilities had an even higher risk of being violently victimized than those with any other type of disability.

A Canadian study showed remarkable numbers for sexual assault among different categories of disability. 40% of women with disabilities have been assaulted or raped; 54% of boys who are deaf and 50% of deaf girls; 68% of psychiatric outpatients and 81% of psychiatric inpatients. According to one 1995 study, more than 90% of persons with developmental disabilities will experience some form of sexual abuse at some point in their lives. Almost 50% will experience ten or more such incidents.

And almost all of those incidents of abuse will be carried out by people who are familiar with and trusted by the victims.

—–

In her fourteen years on this earth, Schuyler has taught me a great many things. She has, in fact, profoundly changed the person I am. She’s shown me that language matters, that humor at the expense of those with less power isn’t humor at all. She’s taught me to listen, to really listen, and to see the world as a place where every human being has intrinsic worth. Schuyler has shown me what perseverance looks like. She’s taught me about unconditional love.

But being Schuyler’s father has also shown me, again and again with stark clarity, that there really are monsters in this world, and some of them smile pretty smiles and take your daughter by the hand if you let them, and God, do I hope I’m alert enough to know those monsters when I see them.

I hope she knows them when she sees them, too. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t, though.

Note: To support the site we make money on some products, product categories and services that we talk about on this website through affiliate relationships with the merchants in question. We get a small commission on sales of those products.That in no way affects our opinions of those products and services.

Share this:

Related Posts

About The Author

Rob

Robert Rummel-Hudson is the author of "Schuyler’s Monster: A Father’s Journey with His Wordless Daughter", which tells the story of raising a little girl with a disability and learning to become the father she needs. It was published in February 2008 by St. Martin’s Press.

Look rob. I’m an attorney. Unfortunately false allegations of abuse are NOT uncommon in situations where child custody is at issue. And horrifyingly the child 100 percent believes it. I have been on the side of that chid and have been dismayed several times when it turns out the child’s story is proven false. ( like when the alleged abuser was in fact out of state at the time of the abuse but the parent who asserted that their kid gad been abused hadn’t realized that) these are my clients who are caught lying and mini pulsating their kid. I wish it weren’t true. But it really does happen. And shockingly often.

I say this with all kindness and respect, but you’re not in a position to say. In fact, the very piece of information that you’re telling us to give you authority in this situation–that you’re a lawyer, so you witness it–is the very thing that makes you a poor source. You are subject to an enormous level of what is called “selection bias.” You can’t extrapolate your experience outward to the general population because the people who walk into your worklife are not representative of the general populace. Your sample data is flawed. False allegations of sexual abuse may not be uncommon for you, but you’re dealing with a sample of the population which, for a variety of reasons, is more likely to make false allegations of abuse, increasing your own exposure to it. This is why we trust statistics from the NCVS, who use data from the Department of Justice, and not anecdotal evidence from individuals. (If you want to critique their methodology, they outline it here: http://www.bjs.gov/content/pub/pdf/ncvs_methodology.pdf )

And either way, your correction is beside the point, because even if we infer that some significant number of disabled kids are lying or misled about being abused (or that a significant number of parents with disabled kids have some kind of Munchausen-by-proxy and are alleging abuse to get attention or something), there is still an ENORMOUS number of disabled people (adults and kids) who are abused every year. Immediately chiming in on a comment with “Actually, I know that a lot of those cases aren’t to be worried about” is unhelpful at best and downright harmful at worst, because it encourages people to be dismissive.

I guess I should be relieved that when my disabled sister was sexually assaulted, it was caught on security camera, so at least me and my parents can’t be accused of criminally manipulating her.

I was referring only to Dylan farrow who demographically comes smack in the middle of my selection population. A child caught in the middle of a hideous custody fight. Her story has nothing at all to do with the populace outside of that tiny demographic. She gas nothing to do with the disabled children who face abuse. ( not because she’s not disabled but because they aren’t in the middle of a custody fight when the allegations arise. )

And my point was that Dylan Farrow story really didn’t have much place in Robs piece which made some great points outside of that. False accusations are rare outside the custody situation. So why bring up a case like that to bolster your argument.

I’m going to respectfully disagree with you, both in the frequency of false accusations (the national average of rape allegations that prove to be false is estimated at around four percent) and the relevance of Dylan Farrow’s case to those of kids with disabilities. Their issues with both credibility and reporting are very real and very, very daunting.

Annie, are you forgetting that Dylan is an adult now? She’s not in a custody battle. She’s an adult, who is saying she was a victim of a crime. Looking at just the statistics on actual reports (it’s surmised that sexual abuse is vastly underreported), one in four girls, and one in six boys, experienced a sexual assault before their 18th birthday.
I’m also curious how Annie must know all of those other children you speak of, are liars.

I was abused terribly as a child. My parents called me a liar, too. I pushed myself to succeed and somehow “prove” myself to the world as a trustworthy and competent adult, as a direct result of their dismissal. As a child, I told no fewer than four mandated reporters, but because I was such a “good” kid, they all let it go– it couldn’t be that bad, maybe she just has an active imagination, etc. I have a masters degree, successful career, stable marriage and children of my own. So when my abuser started shacking up with a new girlfriend that has two children of her own, I raised the alarm. And you know what she did?
She called me a liar.
And continues to put her children at risk.

I’m certain that comments like yours, Annie, contribute to wide ignorance and denial. It’s putting forth sweeping dismissals like this, that continue to shame victims, and give covert permission to pedophiles to continue. “Carry on,” Annie whispers, “We will say they’re lying. I’ll use my ‘esteem’ as a lawyer to discredit those children.”

Shame on you, Annie.

Rob, I can’t imagine the fear that parents of more vulnerable children must feel. The best advice I can offer to all parents: stay vigilant, stay involved and openly, fiercely loyal to your kids. Pedophiles seek out children that can be easily isolated. Parents should talk about autonomy over one’s body and teach their children that it’s okay to disobey authority. Kids need to know that all of their body is hands-off and eyes-off, and they don’t have to look at, or touch anyone, either. We get so hung up on “bathing-suit-area-is-private,” that we may forget that children may be abused in a way that doesn’t even involve their bathing-suit-area. Keeping kids safe happens, when they feel supported and empowered.

Annie, no doubt that hideous tactic plays out in some custody battles but that issue was hardly the point of this piece. Rob’s point is that kids like his (and mine) are especially vulnerable to assault. That is enough of a point and I would think it is enough to stop everyone in their tracks and make them think about how much it will take to create a world that is safe for everyone.

You’re welcome! And thanks for the kind thoughts. The man wasn’t caught or charged, but life moves on, and she doesn’t seem to have been troubled by it in the long term (I don’t want to get into the details of what exactly happened, but it could have been much worse).

The desire to be like “everyone else” and have a boyfriend can put developmentally disabled girls at risk for abuse.
BTW, the idea that children never lie about being abused is wrong. Sometimes they do, especially if they’re coached by a person iin authority like a parent, a social worker or a law enforcement officer. Remember the McMannus Preschool case? I also agree with Annie in that alleged sexual abuse of a child is one of the nasty accusations that comes up very often in divorce cases, and often the abuse is invented by a vengeful soon-to-be-ex.

I’m not sure anyone ever said that kids never lie about being abused. But statistically speaking, a kid is far, far more likely to NOT report abuse that is taking place than to make up stories about abuse that isn’t happening. And when an intellectual disability enters the equation, that imbalance becomes even more pronounced.

I sometimes wonder if the police had not tapped my family’s phone and managed to get a legally recorded telephone call of my mother confronting my abuser in which he admitted some of what happened, whether or not my sister and I would have been believed in our case. Children are often abused by someone who has some kind of authority over them and can use that to keep them silent. The legal process puts children who already have very little power over their lives, in a position of having no power and having to convince adults who have a lot of power over their lives that what they are saying is true. If I had tried to accuse my abuser at the time it was happening, when I was a child, and I had been too scared and intimidated to take the stand, or if the police had not gotten that recording, would that have made him any less guilty of what he did? No. And that happens all of the time. Much more of the time than false accusations. In any population.

I was terribly abused as a child by my mother’s second husband for years, and I now have two developmentally disabled little girls, one of whom is medically complex and non-verbal. My fear for them is palpable and with me every moment of the day. Luckily my abuser was jailed when my sister and I came forward in my teens to accuse him and between us there were enough counts that have to be served one after another that he will not live to see the end of his 200+ year sentence, but even without that exact predator in my kids’ lives, I still fear for them all the time. I feel one of the most important early things we can do is to make sure our kids are independent in the bath room and with bathing. Both of my kids have autism so this has been a huge on-going challenge, but we work on it every day and both are nearly there at 4 and 6 years old. I also personally vet and hire all of the female home workers and one-on-one school aides that we send to school with them (I do this by writing into the IEP that they require ABA trained one-on-one aides who also work with them at home for continuity). Even still it is so hard to ever leave them or let them leave me with anyone else. One of the toughest things about looking for signs of abuse in this population are that some of the classic behaviors signs of abuse, like self injurious behaviors, regressions in potty training, smearing feces, unexplained anger or aggression, these behaviors come and go for my non-verbal daughter at different times. She has a white blood cell disorder for which she is tube fed and has had numerous medical procedures. Most hospital visits elicit wild swings in behavior. Sometimes I can find no definite reason for new or regressive behaviors and worry, but her sensitivities are many and varied. The idea of autistic behaviors being caused just by having autism makes some of these classic signs of abuse difficult to detect if they happen for other reasons as well. We have to be so vigilant, watchful, thoughtful. And worried.

jen, your experiences were horrific and i’m with you on victims having a very hard time being believed. my only point was that with the dylan/mia/woody thing, i’m not sure & that if innocent, would be a very bad slander. there’s so much varied information, like this from dylan’s brother: http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20783306,00.html
& why would mia give him a glowing reference when he wanted to adopt after the fact? so confusing.