Tag: mom behind the mask

Saturday night we had guests over. My husband of 20 years, 6’3″ 220lb all stature, turned into a little school boy, afraid of his own shadow. I had no idea after all these years of being together, that his social fears would come out like a tennis racket strings shattering in mid stroke. Of all the things that one would describe my husband, being meek or shy he is not. His norm is walking into a room and the crowd, shouts F@%ddy! The guys gather around him like a pied piper, women say their hellos, and never flirt. He’s that guy, until this past Saturday night.

I reflect a bit on this evening and think to myself, most of our ‘group of friends’ are his friends. Especially in large, planned out parties. I take note of this as my college friends, some he knows, and others he is meeting for the very first time, enter our home with the ring of the bell. Couples, and friends from my 20s and late teens, to me it feels like an old episode of FRIENDS. I am Monica, he is Tom Seleck’s character Richard the Dentist (people have even said that we look like them). Ironic as I am wondering about how that Richard would have handled Monica’s friends.

I want to catch up and not babysit my 12 year old husband. Though I feel at a loss for his youthful retreat. I ask the crowd to move to the family room, only a few feet away from where we were conversing in the kitchen, and couldn’t budge them. Why was this guy, my Tom Seleck acting like he didn’t belong in my past?

We are 7 years apart this is fact and part of fiction of the original Monica and Richard or a bit more years separate them if I remember correctly. When I was in junior high, F@%ddy was in college. When I was in college, he was married to his first wife with a new baby. Did the age difference really make this evening of FRIENDS a disaster?

Could it be our lives only intersect when he feels most at home? Even in our home, I couldn’t budge him off the chair to get to know my new-old FRIENDS. My Joey, Rachel, and Chandler were in the house, yet as FRIENDS the connections never happened with F@%ddy. The episode of Richard and Monica hanging with Monica’s friends didn’t really happen in my lost memory either. So why was this modern day Monica so frustrated with Richard? Does the past need to stay there with old boyfriends, love letters, scrapbooks and photos from fraternity dances? Or does my Richard today, need to get off his seat and pretend for a few hours that he can relate to my past without jeopardizing our future? Of course I will never say anything to him, it is only here that I vent.

I remember all to well, thinking I knew it all when I was between 16-21, invisible, indestructible and a know it all! Now as a parent, my memories are more clear of my own stupid choices, I see it through my own kids actions. And yet there is nothing we can say, or do to change them. Consequences are truly the only thing that will teach them otherwise, sad to know that poor actions/consequences are the only way teens learn from.

I have raised two sons, both are smart, kind and caring. And yet one digs a deeper hole when he falls. He gets out and makes it through stronger and tougher, but why does he or other teens have to fall at all? Will this make him a better, more adjusted adult? Or will he and others soon to be young adults faltering always? I hope not, and knowing my kid, he learns hard and shines through. Just wish he wouldn’t make the mistakes in the first place. Being a mom is a tough road to ride on sometimes, but the joy far outweighs the holes!

So one would think after the third kid I would be a chill, cool and relaxed mom. I wouldn’t worry about much and be able to sit in the passenger seat of the car while my 15 year old learns to drive. IT ISN’T POSSIBLE…IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!

I know I am not alone, its a feeling we moms get when our babies get behind the wheel. No matter what I do to relax, I can’t, and the strange thing is, my husband seems so at easy with it. Which is what our son needs so why is it so impossible to get “dad” to drive with son.

It truly isn’t fair to either of us, our son and myself. He doesn’t need the stress of me, grabbing any piece of the car that could handle my white knuckle grip, besides the foot break magically appearing on the passenger side when I slam on my own breaks. Lets not forget the immediate uncontrollable squeal, that even child birth didn’t warrant.

Being 15 and a boy is hard enough, let alone being guided by Driving Miss Scary sitting in the seat next to him. What choice does this poor kid get, a crazy mom, or a dad that hardly fills his driving hours, and throw him out on the road of life with the confidence of a mom, like me.

Boys need their moms up until the day they get their drivers permit! Dads hear me roar!

It was about 2PM today and as my normal day goes, I was at the grocery, not just any grocery store, of course it was Whole Foods, after my yoga class I was feeling completely namaste, or maybe not, based on my new found definition. “The gesture Namaste represents the belief that there is a Divine spark within each of us that is located in the heart chakra. The gesture is an acknowledgment of the soul in one by the soul in another.”

Ok, I was feeling something peaceful and relaxed as I was walking out pushing my cart filled with healthy, organic, gluten free, paleo dinner that my family ( one kid left at home and husband) “loves”. Now I can’t lie, they hate it! Making fun of me at every turn. Their Happy Meal would consist of…well, yes a Happy Meal, and a full on ice cream bar, with jimmies (partially hydrogenated soybean oil-LARD), caramel sauce that doesn’t have caramel in it, and tons of soda, maybe the soda comes before the ice cream, but you get the picture. Yet they know loving, caring mom/wife wants them to live forever and to lead them to a life of torture of eating cardboard. It works in our family…

Back to my grocery shopping and feeling at peace. There was a young mom, pushing her stroller with one child in it, 3 bags on top and two 4 year olds ( best friends or twins, not quiet sure by her stress level). Which ever her dynamics of family looked like, I could only smile, and then get the funny frown lines in my forehead ( my plastic surgeon told me to avoid)…breathe and I said to myself ” MomBehindTheMask, once you were that young mom, pushing, balancing, screaming and why didn’t anyone like myself now, for example; stop my 30 something self and say to her, relax…its not worth it, the screaming doesn’t work, the logic does and so does a five o’clock somewhere sign in your house”.

There are no words to help that me, or her…boy oh boy I have tried with my ‘good friend-sister in law’ shh, she isn’t suppose to know I am speaking about her. Its the truth though, I really think 99.9% of us moms go through that space without a clue, without the benefit of our aging bodies, and knowledgeable souls. It comes with the real benefits I promise, as I sit outside on this beautiful afternoon, watching my son and his friend play basketball on the driveway, I reflect. It isn’t about the hardship of being a mom of toddlers, and the worry about who is whose best friend at age 4. Its about this part of the journey. Seeing your kids grow to be strong, smart and kind people. I wish I had words that would change that woman’s grocery store outburst today or help my sister in law with my nephews. I don’t have the answers, I only have time that has passed…and a five o’clock somewhere sign that gives me all the advice I can ask for!