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My mum frowns at my plan to marry widower

I have been in a relationship for the past three years. Recently, my boyfriend came to our house for introduction. He was welcomed by my father but my mother refused to give her blessing because he is a widower.

My mother doesn’t want me to marry a widower. Agatha, I love this man so much and he loves me too. He is so caring and considerate, remains ever attentive to my needs. What should I do since my mother hates the man I love so much?

Worried lady.

From Agatha:

Dear Worried Lady,

What do you want to do? Ditch him because your mother doesn’t agree with your choice of a widower for a husband?

Unless there is another reason other than the one your mother is advertising as her reason, please go ahead with this man. The dream of everywoman including your mother is to have a man who is caring, considerate and attentive to her needs. If she suspects him of killing his wife, she should say so rather than denying both of you the opportunity of a lifetime of happiness together.

Your life is the issue not your mother’s, who is already happy in her husband’s life. Although she is your mother but when it comes to the issue of being happy too in a man’s house, you should be more assertive unless of course you are not convinced about the choice of man you have beside you.

What your mother is trying to do here is to stigmatise this man because he is a widower. It couldn’t have been his desire to have his wife die at the time she did.

At any rate, if the wife didn’t die, you won’t have been free to love him the way you do. He has every right to be happy all over again. Death of a spouse can come at anytime. The fact that a spouse died doesn’t mean the living spouse should not attempt happiness again.

Rather than worrying about what your mother thinks of his status, why not concentrate on finding out more about the man you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with? You are the one wearing this shoe hence must be very comfortable with its fitting. If you truly love this man, whatever your mother is saying won’t bother you especially as your father, the head of your family unit, has accepted him.

This is the angle of worry. How much do you love this man? Are you sure your love for him is enough to withstand your mother’s position? The worry here is, if your love isn’t tough enough, you may find yourself doing your mother’s bidding and end up hurting this man again who has summoned the courage to be happy again. If you leave or hurt him, you will be doing more harm to him than the death of his first wife did.

It will bring back all the memories of that past he wants to move away from by offering to share his life with you. It couldn’t have been easy for him to want to try again, not knowing what the future holds for him with you. The heart of this man is tender, hence the need to treat him with care, respect and love.

You cannot afford to treat him the way you would hurt a man who hasn’t suffered the pains of bereavement of a spouse or a cherished girlfriend before. A lot of considerations went into his choice of you; the reason you should also be very definite about him. However, you still have to keep trying to market him to your mother. You know your mother more than anybody. As her child, you know what key to turn to bring out the endless love of that mother in her. You know the expression that always got you off her hook, what to do to soften her. Use all the tools you used as a child; trust me they still work wonders because no matter how old you are, you still remain her child.

Chances are she is simply paranoid; worried that something in his life could be the reason his first wife died.

Get her to see into your heart that this is one man you are very comfortable with, one you know would give you everlasting happiness.

Assure her your life is in the hands of God and that this is the one event in your life that you have the power to decide. Don’t be rude to her; it will only complicate her acceptance of your man. Endure her opposition with dignity and understanding of her position.

Overtime, the nature of the man shall erase whatever misgiving she has about him but until then, allow her be.

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