Tuesday, April 20, 2010

It is way too simplistic. And it appears to think that any weight gain is a natural weight gain. I say this because whenever people talk about gaining weight when it conerns fat acceptance, the response is that your body is doing what it is meant to do. The idea of restricting food is horrible because it is a "diet" and not accepting your body. And if you lose weight, well your certain to gain it back. I am just so confused by this movement and therefore I give up.

The other part of the movement I already believed it. Fat is not a moral issue (My ed tells me other wise but the intellectual me knows better. Too bad the intellectual me doesnt run my life) and fat people should not be discriminated against. Also, people shouldnt assume fat people are unhealthy and that fat people are fat because of their diet.

My issue is that I think the fat acceptance movement doesnt want to admit that some fat people ARE fat because of their diet and have a RIGHT to decide that they do not want to be that way (or do want to be that way). My other issue is that the fat acceptance movement screams that fatness is complex and that studies need more research but then on the other side they seem to know it all when it comes to fat people who want to lose weight and how they will for certain gain it back and how few people can do this and also that fat does not cause any health issues.

I just have a problem with the fat acceptance movement when it relates to having an eating disorder because no one wants to talk about how some of these beliefs can harm people with eating disorders, like not trying to change your weight.

That being said, overall, I dont believe that the movement is "dangerous." Thats bullshit. I think that depending on who you are, if you have an eating disorder and etc, it can confuse you.

I am done with my rant. Have I ranted on this subject before? I think so.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Hello,So, yes, I am graduating soon. This makes for excitement but it also makes for nausea. I applied for the Master's program at my school and I received the letter so late that they had to put me on a waiting list for Work Study. I need my work study to live off of this summer.

My rent will be due at the end of May. And I have but a slice of pie in the savings as we speak. I am late on my phone bill, close on my credit card bill and cannot believe I will make my cable bill (which I know I can get rid of but I am waiting on TrueBlood and Dexter. Damn Damn Damn).

I have two things due in classes, oh wait. No, 3. One of them is super duper important. I can not seem to get anything finished because of my attention span and some emotional crap going on.

I am going through a bunch of emotional crap. That always makes everything seem so sucky. I just want to not be freaking out about all of these things. Oh, and I have appointments coming up which I need off of work for, I forgot my dentist appointment would make me not go to my therapy appointment but as I said above, that's kind of needed right now.

So, yea. This is why my life seems a hot mess right now. But I know that it could always be worse. I could be on the street or without shelter or food and that is not what it is right now. The fact that I can even have a savings account and checking account no matter what is in them is a blessing. Through all my ranting and raving I have to realize how much I am blessed and how I DO NOT HAVE CONTROL OVER PEOPLE, PLACES, OR THINGS. Everything will work out how it would work out and I have to do things one step at a time. I guess I will begin to work on my school work now.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

I was just half reading an article on Jezebel. It was about the politics of fuckability (Wow, would that not be a fantastic thesis?).

I want to talk about this because I understand it. I get it. I get the issue. But most importantly, I understand being on the non-fuckability side of it.

I think when you talk about being overweight it makes the conversation different but when you add being a minority it makes it even more interesting. I am a Black woman. Being a Black woman alone takes away some of my fuckability in society. But I am a plus size Black woman, who is brown skinned (not light skinned), plus sized and has locs (and has had natural hair since high school).

To me this is all about the politics of invisibility. It is about the fact that once you are not fuckable, you are invisible. I have been invisible in this society for a long time. And I guess I want to say it gets tiring. But when I go on Jezebel and see the comments of other women who have the same issues, it makes me feel like I and so many other people can relate. I do not want this to exist. And the politics of it is complex. Being a feminist and all, I should not want to be objectified. I do not want to be objectified. But this is not the issue.

It is an issue of not being seen.

So I wanted to talk about that for a bit. I guess I will move on. Go do some other stuff today.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I was thinking last night about "my progress." I was thinking about my progress concerning my eating disorder, my depression and anxiety, the grieving process of my trauma, my education, and my developing of healthy relationships. I am always in change mode. Below I talked about feeling like I am shedding an old me which is true and good. But the kind of change that I am talking about in the entry has everything to do with not being okay as I am.

What I mean is that, I am perpetually under construction. I never feel like I am who I am at the moment. I am always "waiting" to be someone else. It can be such a fucking cop out. And I think that is why it is so hard for me to accept myself. I feel like I dont want to be who I am now so why would I accept that person when I am in the process of changing her.

It is so hard for me to say that but it is true. And the problem is that I have to accept myself right now. I am wasting my present on the future and the past and not doing so is the hardest thing to do.

I just want to be okay in the present, ya know? And I think that everyone does. But they get so stuck in wanting to change themselves "for the better" that they neglect themselves at the now.

So I just wanted to say that. I am struggling today. My medication is making me sick. Literally and figurtively. You would think that anti-depressants and anxiety medication would be more simple. It isn't.

So, I think I have been sharing a lot on here. I dont care. I probably should. Hopefully none of my employers or co-workers find this website and then find out who I am. That would be crazy.

I will probably post later as well. I just needed a space to talk for a minute.

Friday, April 9, 2010

It is okay. I am okay with it. I am coming into another self. I feel like I am shedding another part of me. I know this because it hurts. And I think it is something to take Joy in. I think everyone should take joy in change. The thing is that it is hard to figure out what you want to stay and what you want to go, when it comes to who you are. I am constantly changing, and I used to think that this was something to be ashamed of or something that was wrong. But now I think I embrace it. I try to figure out what part of me is hurting, what is changing and how I will come out on the other side.

Right now I am having to re-evaluate friendship, what friendship means to me and the support I need from loved ones. Everyone should do this. Not just friendships but relationships with lovers and family members. People become stuck in relationships and friendships that they do not want or need or that do not fulfill what they think they should.

I think that it is also important to be okay with self. To be okay with the quiet that comes with being in solitude and understanding the difference between being lonely and being in solitude with self. I have had problems with both and I want to come to terms with one. There is no reason I or anyone else should be lonely but there is a reason to be in solitude whether you are forced into it or you have to carve that solitude out for yourself. Solitude is necessary to understand yourself better and get a grip on what is important in your life and how you are going to move your life and the relationships in it to a place where you get what you need.

So, I guess all of that is what I felt like saying in this post. I am currently listening to Jill Scott's "Hear My Call" and it brings something forth in me that is so strong and so real. I love that I can feel that. The last time I felt this way when I first heard a song was Jill's. She does it for me. There is something so real in her voice.

Oh and Erykah. Which yalls should go get.

Oh and I dont feel like proofing this. So this is the real thing today.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Today was a fun day. I went out to eat with my parents right after me and my mom went shopping for my graduation party stuff.

I am so excited to be graduating. I mean, golly. It is exciting. I have spent forever in school and now I get to have a degree. A part of me does not want to go to graduate school. A part of me would like to get a job and just work and pay off my loans and get 2 more cats and live in a nice apartment. But no, I shall live in my crappy but lovely apartment while I am receiving my Master's degree.

So, I was feeling all great today and now I am back to feeling a tad crappy. I hate it when it feels like there is nothing to do. I wish I could go to the movies and just blow off all of my work but the problem is that that is what I have been doing.

The funny thing is that I titled this Graduation Party because I was going to talk about my graduation party but now I don't feel like getting into it. Just know that it is super exciting to know that I will have a room full of people that support me and have cards and gifts and eat and just have fun. OOOHH. Maybe I will get to go to the movies afterwards.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

I am being serious. Google sugar and digestion. It is very creepy. Instead of getting a ton of websites that simply describe the digestion of sugar, they talk about sugar as a drug.

Now, I am an ex-OA'er and I have my issues with sugar. I do. I need to find some peace. Which is why I wanted to search how it is digested in the body so I could have my own understanding of the effect of sugar. Even when searching this information unbiased..ly...I found that sugar really is bad news. No, really. Sugar is bad news. Refined sugar I should say. To make a long long story short, sugar is empty of the vitimans and nutrients that is in cane juice or honey. Refined sugar is empty empty and it does a lot of shit to your kidneys in order to consume it. It is just interesting I tell you. Really.

So, I wanted to share this. I just totally ate a pint of Ben and Jerry's and am feeling sick to my stomach. Not only because I am lactose intolerant (and when I say I am, I mean it. The indegestion is fast and serious) but I am having a little bit of a sugar rush before bed. Crazy. And I will crash. I will crash and what will happen? Will I be sleep? I always have crappy sleep when I eat sugar before I go to bed.