'Naked And Afraid': Jonathan and Alison discover each other's butts

This week, military man Jonathan and surfer/”adventure model”/experienced tent dweller Alison are thrust upon the Maldive Islands — specifically, “the worst island on the planet,” where, due to high temps and deadly sea life, “no living species could survive more than a week.”

Lovely! Perfect locale for a reality show about nude Americans. I’m in.

The two survivors each week have no water, no food, no clothes, and NO HOPE. Well, Alison is actually hopeful (as long as it’s not a cramp day). She does most of the work. Jonathan mostly gets a sunburn, complains, and wears turquoise undies in a bizarrely tilted fashion so that a tuft of hair is always peeking out. (He’s peaking.) Below are The Seven Stages of Survival As Seen on Discovery’s ‘Naked And Afraid.’

1. BUTTS

One reason this show can appeal to everyone is that it offers equal opportunity to any and all butts. Male, female, clam, it’s all the same on the Island from Hell. Disappointingly, the contestants (this week at least) (plus they’re not really “contestants” in this context, more like “televised psychological case studies”) are pretty much always clothed in some way after the initial nude meet-and-greet.

Shareif Ziyadat

Which is terrifically awkward, by the way. (He should maybe be disqualified for that sleeve.)

2. WHINING

Tough guy Jonathan endured a treacherous bout of “anxious anxiety” before arriving in the islands, only to succumb to a severe sunburn on Day 1. He begged to rest for 30 minutes and then that turned into a week. He basically did not move from this position:

Bob Levey

It was fun for everyone. Poor Alison had to start complaining about intense menstrual cramps just to get some damn screen time. There were tears. But if that blurry dude was bitching to me about not serving him the right type of water (she brought back coconuts; he demanded a homemade well), I’d be on the rag, too, no matter what day it was. Also, wait: Do the ladies on this show get a tampon or what? I’m guessing yes, but this is horrifying. Anyway, Alison kept busy doing all the “gathering” and even found free time wherein she could weave plants into magic.

ABC/Tyler Golden

I loved her intricate hat! This girl could do it all (except menstruate).

3. WATER

Also known as Diarrhea Phase: By Day 7, Jonathan had grown so sick of coconuts, and maybe the sound of his own voice, that he just started digging his own water hole. NAKED. Sometimes the sand on his ass looked like more tattoos.

Fast n’ loud. It was.

The thick, gray sediment water made Jonathan’s bladder and colon explode (see? you really do want to watch this show) and he ended up poop-souping 10 feet from the shelter. Alison was way nicer about this than she had to be. Dude!

4. BICKERING

There was a really depressing phase in there (that lasted days, perhaps years longer than the footage we saw) of Alison and Jonathan having “the talk” about what exactly their roles were on the island. She was “trying to respect him as a man,” even though it was becoming more and more difficult given his weak work ethic and those turquoise undies. He was sick of her “bragging and bragging” about doing all the work. Absurd. When Jonathan revealed he was a “city boy” and his only survival training had been through the military (that’s not even an island!), Hawaiian native Alison started to whimper again in fear: “He doesn’t have the skills to be out here!”

Things got ugly. “I don’t give a f— if I ever see her again,” Jonathan said. (But according to Twitter, they’re now great friends. I love that!)

5. KILL ANYTHING THAT MOVES

Desperate for protein, the pair hunted for scarce sea life. Alison cut up the bottoms of her feet on sharp coral pieces in a successful attempt to snare a deadly eel — then hunched over it — apologizing to it, thanking it, appreciating it, and gushing about how she really doesn’t like killing things.

To counter, Jonathan suddenly nutted up, went snorkeling, and caught a giant clam.

ABC

He marveled at its “sticky white meat.” Has he ever listened to himself?

6. FREAKY STORM

In what seemed like a scripted test of character from The Truman Show, a raging thunderstorm ravaged the island for three days, only to let up for the grand finale: Day 21. Alison and Jonathan tried to keep their heads covered and, to pass the time, narrated their fever dreams about cookies and chocolate.

7. BACK TO BUTTS

The undies flew right back off as Jonathan and Alison bravely swam out over a series of bloodthirsty sharks to the rescue boat. It was that easy! And they lived happily ever naked.

Are you watching this? Do you have what it takes to be an adventure model?

And what would your PSR (Primitive Survival Rating) be? Jonathan was a 6.9 out of 10 and Alison was 8.0 (their PSRs were upped to 7.2 and 8.4, respectively, by the end of the 21 days). I’d be, like, in the low decimal points. WELL below 1. Not even close.