Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Why I Blog, Why I Assist: 2.41

Aka: Why do I Blog and Why I Do I Want to Be Satan's Bitch and/or Assistant?

I got an email from Mark Lisanti, editor of Defamer, who seems to have heard of me now, and he displayed a healthy curiosity at my level of truth. It got me thinking, frankly, something that I have plenty of time to do, now that I'm drinking alone in my apartment.

It made me question my own truth. Well, that and the alcohol.

Not in that stupid New-Age way, but am I really worth something-- do I have what it takes to be what I wanna be? I mean, I know I want to be the next JJ Abrams or Joss Whedon or whatnot. Really, truly, I want to be a production entity. Even a Bruckheimer or Burnett, [but, um, obviously, cooler...]

So why God why would I work for an evil corporate agency? It's not an easy answer. There are other things I could do, boutique agencies (been there, done that, look how it turned out below) or working as a waiter by day and screenwriting at night until my big break (which I feel like would waste the 'career' part of my life).

Here's the thing: Big Agency assistant desks are widely acknowledged to be Hollywood's grad school/finishing school for development execs/script packagers/literary agents. You suffer through years of Hell to emerge, soulless, and insane with power at an important desk with clients whose work could mean something. I mean, that's why longtimers in the biz have such a reputation for insanity. I held it together for about a year-and-a-half under Sloane without becoming too terribly tainted, I think.

But three years at Shark Agency (at which time I might land a development job)? There's no way I could survive with my humanity intact. Or is there?

Ultimately, I say f*ck it. Somebody has to do it. And I know in my heart that the other options are running away, and with my newly-steeled backbone, I'm not going to be afraid of psychotic agents. Well, not enough to not pursue my dreams at any rate.

And the other question: Why do I blog? I've compiled a helpful list.

1) To Help me. I need to write.2) To Help push the light of the English language a bit further against the darkness.* Use Wikipedia.3) To Help assistants laugh in the face of insanity.4) To Help me me have fun by stirring up sh*t as a totally anonymous blogger personage.5) To Help me keep ahead of the curve technology-wise. I don't know what your expectations were, but so far, it's been mission accomplished after mission accomplished for me. Oh, and who let Microsoft get an out-of-control monopoly that is to blame for the crappy Windows operating system? Thanks, Baby Boomers, another great thing to inherit. Thank God we're getting away from them, slowly but surely.6) To Help me get pu$$y. That's far longer than I thought I could hold out on that one. I do currently, however, have a hot girlfriend with a rockin' ass and that is more than enough for me right now. That gets a Quagmire 'Allriiiight." Judges, do we have a spelling on this? Seth MacFarlane's assistant? You out there? No? Just checking. On #6, though, it's more mission accomplished.Note to Self: Reach out to Seth MacFarlane's assistant. Oh hey, make sure you name-check Seth MacFarlane, McFarlane, McFarsyFars, like forty times. Seth MacFarlane of Family Guy. Family's Seth MacFarlane. Seth MacFarlane of Family Guy, aaaaaahhh, the internet is chasing you!7) To Help right wrongs. You know I was gonna follow up the 'cat' one with something noble. But I do have strong sense of comsic justice in many ways. 8) To Help my writing get noticed. Based on page views, let's just say I could sell out a small print run if even half of the people who've read my blog would plunk down perhaps $15 for a 225-page paperback with cool black-and-white photos and extra materials, right? 9) To Help prove that most 24-year-olds aren't totally deficient, even if our jobs require us to be.10) To Help wake up people's senses to new things, to open minds--and to do it through humor.11) To Help restore my soul. See also, the ones regarding writing.12) To Help me waste time productively. See also, writing.13) To Help do my little part to MAKE AMERICA GREAT! (Cue Flag, Cue Chad, Commence patriotic flag-waving with wife/co-star Sophia Bush-Michael-Murray from step of Capitol building)*Hi kids, #2 above was paraphrased, but said by E.M. Forster of Virginia Woolf. Remember them? Try harder.

What I really want this blog to be:Wild and woolly. Thick and hairy f*cking democracy. The homepage of all assistants in Los Angeles.*bam*There, I said it. The first step in my evil plan to take over the world. Seriously, though, I'm kidding about that. This is at least step 7,432 in my evil plan to take over the world. More kidding. I am a creature that radiates goodness and light and progress and reform and fun. I am all that is holy.

I was an assistant back in the day. "Swimming With Sharks" stuff. Confirmed to me that agents are scum, and the only thing worse are managers.Worst, since we're spilling beans here, was a temp gig for two days with Original Artists. Psychos. Perhaps if we strike up a repoir I'll share the tale. It ended with me Jordan Bayer calling security to escort me out of the building, even though I never so much as raised my voice.Good times.

Write to get better at writing, and do it all in public so no-one can ever accuse you of being a weak-ass bitch (ingested too much Pelecanos this week.)

I started blogging because my personal journal had gradually mutated into a sweet haven of self-deception. If blogging gets a least one person to call me on my shit and wake me up to myself, it's worth it.

Okay, I'm sorry, but you really can't believe how drunk I was by the time I finally posted this. I know it's Seth MacFarlane and the offending passage was removed. You see, I'd be planning this for a little while, my re-evaluation, brewing since firing. But I got carried away when I was really smashed, and there you have it. See, that's what you get with a 'real blogger' instead of all this pre-packaged stuff like on other websites. No, baby, I'm real. Real enough to call my beloved Family Guy creator (I swear I own and have seen all original episodes of Family Guy) Seth MacFarlane, and again, sorry... "Hot Toddy MacFarlane". I was kinda REALLY drunk and I do apologize and I love your work even if it was a bit over-the-top to take a swing at the Simpsons. But frankly, truth does back you up that the Simpsons has been better. And Family Guy is, as always, nose-out-of-milk-spewingly funny. But the Simpsons is a worldwide institution that Family Guy will be in the shadow of for at least awhile.

But Seth, I'm sorry. Sober Assistant/Atlas is very sorry to have drunkenly named you "Hot Toddy MacFarlane". Unless you like the nickname. In which case, you can have it free of charge. Additionally, if you wanna get me drunk in the hopes of a better nickname, I'm always down for beers at the place of your choosing. Have your assistant set it up.

Love to all and sorry for the drunken blogging. Frankly, it might happen again.-Atlas

Hey, it's funny...I escaped assistant hell, when I realized the fruits of my labor were squandered helping others get rich and get credit. I relocated to my hometown to focus on my writing so I could position myself as a screenwriter and not a lowly Hollywood serf. However, my job experience and degree have placed me in a post-HW pariah status, leaving me ineligible to fill positions for which I am more than qualified. So, now I am being forced to migrate back to that hellhole, just so I can find steady employment while I work on my writing. I've received several job offers already, and I'm gritting my teeth harder than an American tourist in a Salvadoran prison--I just can't commit to bending over. Your blog has reminded me of the offal stench surrounding the life of your average Hollywood Assistant (I could tell you stories), and has just given me the strength to say no that kind of work.

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