When grief won’t go away: 5 steps to start healing cumulative losses

On the surface, Lianne* feels she should be satisfied with her life. She has many of the things she thought she aspired to: a warm supportive circle of friends, a loving partner, a new job which keeps her stimulated and rewarded.

But all isn’t well. She finds herself getting angry at small things, lacking motivation to do much with her free time. The things that she used to take pleasure in seem to hold little attraction. Slowly she has been isolating herself from friends and family. Her relationship with her partner has become distant.

A devastating loss

3 years ago, one of Lianne’s closest friends took his own life. He’d become very depressed over a 12 month period, but no-one in his circle realised how bad things had become, until he was found dead in his home by a neighbour who’d become concerned.

At the time, Lianne had been in deep shock, but as time had passed, she felt she had grieved and moved on. Although she thought about Mario from time to time, she didn’t like to dwell on the past and preferred to keep positive about her life.

In the last few months, a lot had changed in Lianne’s life. She’d moved home and started a new job. This should have been a happy period, she thinks, but it doesn’t seem to be happening for her. She feels stuck in either a low mood or angry a lot of the time.

The impact of cumulative grief

So what’s going on? Well it’s probably clear, reading this, that Lianne has suffered from a lot of loss. Mario’s death was an enormous shock to her and one she wasn’t really able to process or deal with at the time and since then she’s experienced more loss.

Suicide is an horrific end to someone’s life, a bid to be rid of pain that has become unbearable. For those left behind, it can be equally horrific. Add to the feelings of loss, those of guilt, anger, bewilderment, sadness, loneliness that might accompany them. And there might be post traumatic stress involved too. Sometimes, the easiest way to cope is to not cope at all, and push it all away.

So when later losses come along, even though they might be on a different scale, they might be very triggering of other ungrieved losses. And of course, this doesn’t just relate to suicide, it could be bereavement, loss of friends, home or treasured possessios, job, health, children leaving home, change in government or political landscape, harm to the environment, cruelty to animals, societal injustice and violence, discrimination etc.

You could even think of ungrieved losses as cumulative, filling up an inner vessel which doesn’t have an infinite capacity. That’s why even a small loss, can tip you into the deepest of grief, if it’s the drop that makes the vessel spill over.

In Lianne’s case, her recent losses had added to the deep and shocking loss of Mario, none of which had been dealt with. Her swings from anger to depression were strong pointers to what wasn’t being expressed.

How to cope with loss

What can you do in the face of loss? Each person’s experience is different, but there are some steps which can help you process your losses.

1 Acknowledgement
The first step is acknowledgement: whatever the loss, you will need to recognise that you are experiencing a loss and that this loss matters deeply to you. Sometimes this is easier said than done; you might in fact expend a lot of energy avoiding the loss. Seeing this is happening and recognising the loss can start to shift things.

2 Meeting your feelings
The second step is about meeting all the feelings that accompany the loss: grief, anger, sadness, loneliness, betrayal, despair. Whatever is around needs to be welcomed as much as you can bear. You might be able to do this in quiet reflection, talking with a friend or family member or with a counselling professional. Finding the space to do this safely is so important.

3 Self-care
The third step is about taking care of yourself: there will be times when life feels unmanageable and overwhelming. Remembering the Buddhist maxim that all things pass, can be helpful here. That means pain, grief, anger numbness, and everything else too will go. There will be good days too, and that’s ok. Even though you might feel guilty for taking pleasure in something or having a laugh.

4 Moving through your feelings
The fourth step, over time, is moving through the feelings, not to forget, but to allow them to have been. You’ll probably know when the time for grieving is over. There is no set timeframe – for some people it can be months, for others many years.

5 Honouring your losses
The fifth step is to think about honouring the loss. You could think of creating some rituals of memorial for your loss, to honour with out plunging back in to the grief: a poem, a silent meditation, a flower, a treasured walk, a favourite food shared with others, or a moment of remembrance and reconnection.

There is no single path through loss but meeting it head on, when you are ready, can help with the process of grieving. With that comes the possibility of moving through and so to be open for the next steps in your life without being pulled back again and again into the grief.

If you’ve suffered a loss

and are struggling to find a way through it, I can help you with gentle, supportive grief counselling in Totnes and Torquay. Why not get in touch for a first appointment by calling or texting on 07443 640556?

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*Lianne is not a real client but a fictional representation of some of the themes that come up around cumlative loss in counselling.