Nervous is good. You know what I hate? That guy who’s hugging everyone (including dad) from day one. After the apocalypse, a softie like that is biker-gang meat. You need to understand that these parents you’re about to get acquainted with – should you marry their daughter – will one day form with you the most repulsive parasitic relationship in the animal kingdom; they will become babysitters, money-loaners, bad advice givers, and the greatest mortal enemies you’ll ever face. Her parents will quietly judge you for the rest of your life, while passive aggressively trying to mold you into a version of them. You can’t kill these people (it’s illegal), so treat them with the respectful disdain you would have for the guard if you were locked in a Burmese internment camp. When Dad goes to shake your hand, try and crush it; when Mom asks about your crown molding, tell her you’ll ‘crown mold her face’ and then give her a beer. Never let them in on who you are or what you do – they’ll only turn it against you. Then tell them you plan on spending every holiday with your parents, who are awesome by the way.

I met my girlfriend’s parents last week and I know they hate me. They kept staring at my tattoos, asking me where I had been looking for jobs, and they almost choked on their pork-chops (which I didn’t eat because I’m a vegan) when I told them about my conversion into Islam. I love her though, shouldn’t that be enough? – Arthur Fonzarelli, Milwaukee, WI

No. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Anyway, while you were talking at the table about how you ‘hear the screams of the innocent hogs mercilessly butchered,’ Dad was doing some math in his head; the average kid costs $11,000 a year to raise until age eighteen, and right now he’s not feeling too good about his return on investment. So, you’re already screwed, and as I said before, you don’t exactly want to be chummy with the Parentals, so I say go all out – get more tattoos and go ahead and tell them why you got these tattoos (‘this one is the Chinese symbol for me totally banging your daughter’); try out dreadlocks; start a weekly drum circle in their living room; call your girlfriend’s Dad ‘Old-Timer’ and her Mom ‘Mom’ (that will really piss off her Dad); throw red paint on them and scream ‘MURDERERS’ while they eat meatloaf; and, of course, just relentlessly hit on her Mom.

I’m going to visit my Girlfriend’s parents for the weekend do we sleep in the same bed? How do we even broach the subject? – Buddy Lembeck; Copeland, NJ

It’s tough to judge how “hip” some-one’s parents are (maybe so hip you’ll get an orgy out of this, but that’s wishful thinking). What you have to do is gently bring up different topics during the day that can bring you up to the big question as to whether you’re caressing your girlfriend’s naked body that night or one of her sister’s old stuffed animals. Start with how great a kisser their daughter is, then causally bring up the type of condoms you enjoy. Or just get over it and make love to Mr. Snuggles, just tell her sister you spilled some shampoo.