Staying alone in my head is like being behind enemy lines

Wow! It's hot! Although it's not the heat; it's the humility that gets
to me.

What does G‑d think of me?

How should I know? I’m not G‑d!

The real question is: What do I think about myself?

It really depends on the day, on my mood, on a character defect, or even
whether I am hungry, angry, lonely or tired (known as H.A.L.T.).

You see, when I am at the mercy of my negative thoughts, something strange
happens. I become a genius—so much so that I have an unshakable knowing that my
thoughts are “facts.” The facts are that I don’t measure up or that I am better
than you or worse than you but never equal to you. This is what G‑d thinks of me
as well. After all, isn’t it a fact?

I can become so sure that I “know” what G‑d thinks of me, that I can be
called a supernatural mind reader! I believe that my thoughts must be G‑d’s
thoughts. This can be serious—because if I know what G‑d thinks, then I am all
knowing as well and that’s a tough load to carry. I tell my wife, that if she
lived in my head she would be exhausted too... Being G‑d can really drain me.
What I am really thinking is 'I am on my own' so I better control everything.

So what can I do to give G‑d back His job?

I need to get off my throne, and get some humility! I once heard that
to have humility means to be open -- open to the possibility that I might be
wrong about something that I think -- that I am so sure of. I think that even
though I see myself in a certain light, that maybe -- just maybe, G‑d sees me in
a different light. Thinking that I may be wrong is the most right thought I can
have.

I need to remain open to the idea that G‑d’s opinion of me is not what I am
sure it must be. His thoughts are not my thoughts! So, when I ask myself
questions like: Does G‑d find me valuable? Does G‑d love me for who I am? I can
answer: Just because today I see myself in a certain negative way doesn’t mean
that it’s G‑d’s truth.

I am obligated to strive to know that there is a G‑d and to know that I am an
integral part of His divine cosmic plan. I am told that all I have to know is
that there is a G‑d and that I am not Him. I also need to strive to prove
certain ideas to be false. It is incumbent upon me to expose certain beliefs to
be false, no matter how old or how certain they seem to appear.

Where can I get some humility to go? I can call a friend to get a humility
check. Real humility is knowing who I am, knowing my strengths and weaknesses
and appreciating how G‑d is doing for me what I can't do for myself. G‑d is the
source of my strength regardless of what I think of myself. G‑d knows better. So
my friend needs to tell me that while I might be a good guy I am no G‑d.

And, really, I have no business telling G‑d what to think. I can pray by
asking G‑d to help me be open enough to see myself rightly. I say something
like: Please G‑d help me see myself through Your eyes.

It’s my stinking thinking that is the problem to begin with. So getting out
of my head is an essential strategic move towards humility. I must get out of my
head. After all, if my thoughts at that moment are the enemy, then staying alone
in my head is like being behind enemy lines.

I walked by a guy the other day and he had a look of disgust on his face.
First I was mad – thinking, “Who does he think he is?” Then I got outraged –
thinking, “Doesn’t he know who I am?” I joke with my kids saying, “Do you have
any idea how important I am in my head? After all, I might not be much, but I am
all that I think about.

It’s when I take another’s actions personally that I am concluding that he is
wronging me, and that the target of his disrespect is me. That’s False Evidence
Appearing Real - FEAR!! Probably his thoughts at the time of the crime have
nothing whatsoever to do with me. Nevertheless, because of my fear of not being
enough, I see his facial expression as showing his contempt towards me. After
all, my “stinkin’ thinkin’” says that I am contemptible. My fear manifests
itself through anger and outrage. I go into attack mode, usually internally,
because “It’s a inside job!”

There is a way out of this painful way of walking through life — always
reacting personally. Let’s go back to the scene of the assault and reenact it
differently. So here comes “sour pus” heading my way. The Torah tells us that
“It’s a mitzvah to pray for our every need.” My need at this moment is to put
myself, and my character defect of self centeredness, in its proper place.
Therefore, my prayer goes up saying, “Bless him! Change me.” I consider his
possible need over my faulty fear. Each time I offer up this prayer, I not only
don’t take it personally, I am freed from the grip of the insane message that I
am a victim of a crime against Benyamin. G‑d answers my request because I got
out of the way even if it's only a moment of humility.

So, the next time I am attacked by my own fear, I can take it to G‑d instead of
taking it personally -- by asking for the others to be blessed, I am being
changed.