>> Wednesday, March 25, 2015

I don’t write a ton about my real life friends on the blog because I don’t feel like it’s my place to drag them online with all my over-sharing. As a courtesy. I’ve also felt somewhat lacking in the friend department ever since we moved back in 2008. Not necessarily because I have zero friends, but -- instead -- it seems like all my people are continually moving and shaking away. I’m happy for them and their new adventures, but last year THREE of my best friends moved within a span of a couple months. Overwhelming. A few are here, most are there (at least an hour or two away), and then some of the best are really far away.

And making new friendships as an adult is extremely difficult for me (for many?). Plus, Ada always tells me I’m her best friend. Right back at you, baby.

As much as I tell you guys about the inner workings on my mind (and sometimes body -- yeah), you’d be surprised how shy I am unless I know you. Or maybe I seem standoffish? Standing in a corner a bit paralyzed at the thought of striking up conversations with strangers. But once I know you, I’m quite outgoing. It’s this weird dual-personality thing. I get along really well with most people and enjoy company . . . in small groups. But in larger situations or first meetings, the introvert takes over like whoa. It’s a conflicting way to be, but it’s all I know. In the end, I have this amazing group and feel quite fulfilled with the love and connections.

This miscarriage situation has been probably the toughest thing I’ve gone through personally. Ada’s surgery was hard (nearly impossible), but this is all me. My body and my mind and my journey. At first, I was absolutely floundering and feeling completely empty and alone and angry. Then one by one, I started getting messages and phone calls . . . my friend came to the rescue. (And don’t get me started on family -- they’ve been the absolute BEST. Then there’s all of YOU who’ve written and more. I wonder some days what I’ve done to deserve such kindness.)

Social sites like Facebook can suck, and I’ve considered quitting them many times. Think of the comparison trap, the general #lookatme craziness, and the frenemies (the worst!). But then my inbox started filling with these warm and compassionate messages, experiences, words of advice, offers of help, and more. These were from my friends . . . my childhood friends . . . and my college friends . . . my new friends . . . and even people I didn’t know terribly well before all this stuff started happening. It’s been this incredibly moving experience that I wouldn’t have known if I chose to close out the world.

What I’ve taken away from everything is this:

More of us are struggling than we can even comprehend. Most of us have been through something that has changed us at the core. Which is sad, but also reassuring that the human experience can be anything in the spectrum of devastating to extraordinary. In the case of miscarriage and infertility, so many women and families have known this sadness. This devastation. So, if you’re going through something similar, I encourage you to reach out and talk about it. I didn’t know if I wanted to blog about it . . . but I’m so glad I did. I now have a new “club” of sorts. It’s not one I ever wanted to join, but people can be amazing if you just let them in.

My appointment today went well. We got more answers/closure and continue to wait, but not necessarily for much longer. I will share more soon but would first like to fill in my family. I appreciate your patience with the blog being sort of, well, meh at the moment. I haven’t felt much like sharing recipe roundups or homesteading ideas and would rather give myself a little mental space before returning in full.