Losing a pet is a family affair

Jennie Geisler @ETNGeisler

Thursday

Sep 14, 2017 at 2:00 AM

It's no easy thing to watch a beloved pet die. But cats, dogs and other pets simply don't live as long as we do. A vet and a counselor offer advice on how to navigate the emotions when a family pet dies.

Eric Deane Twitchell, a veterinarian at McKean Veterinary Hospital, spoke quietly, as if he had a lump in his throat. He'd just come to the phone from euthanizing a 20-year-old cat, Sophie, surrounded by her family as she fell asleep for good.

"(Pet death) is such a common thing," Twitchell said. "I've been on the end of it myself, but I can tell you, fewer things are harder, especially when there is ambiguity to it."

He was referring to the decision by a pet owner that it's time to end the pet's life due to illness. His most recent case was one like that.

"Sophie was hit by a car over a year ago, crushed pelvis," he said. "She was 19 when that happened. She did really well for a year. But her people made the decision based on the quality of life of the animal that it was time."

Twitchell said researchers have found that people's grief over the loss of a pet can be stronger and more painful than over the loss of humans.

He said Sophie died much as a beloved human might wish to. "The whole family was there for the loss of their cat," Twitchell said.

What to tell the kids?

He said not to keep it a secret, but to explain in straightforward language that the animal is suffering, and to keep it alive would be cruel.

"It's especially difficult for teenage kids who don't know what life is like without this pet," Twitchell said. "It's very difficult to watch that pain. That's a whole level of pain that's probably the hardest for me to see."

He said society sometimes doesn't appreciate the pain people go through after losing a pet.

"I would not let a kid dictate, but at least have them be aware of the decision and why, and having them participate and knowing what's going to happen," he said.

He said he understands the urge to shelter young children from the pain of losing a beloved pet, but advises against it.

"I get it. I've been doing this 27 years," he said. "But it's not something to hide. It's important to understanding that we're all going to die."

Deciding on when it's time to administer euthanasia can be an emotionally wrenching decision, but is one that all animal lovers will confront. It seems an impossibly subjective one, and one that a veterinarian can only advise on, not decide.

Susan Stone, a licensed clinical social worker in Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey, who has worked to implement animal assisted therapy in hospitals, also facilitates an Animal Hospital Pet Bereavement Group. She runs a website, www.petlosshelp.org, and blog about pet bereavement. Her most recent dog, Seanny, 11, died in May.

"I do not want to see an animal suffer," Stone said. "But that is a very subjective position. There are some very good tools to help injured and sick humans when they can no longer do the things they enjoy. For animals, there is only now. And sometimes we project our quality of life on them, and it may not be quality of life for them."

She said anyone who knows and loves an animal knows the signs: "If it stops eating, or loses its dignity. They would rather not urinate or defecate on themselves or the house," she said. "I've advised people to have a conversation with the animal. They have a look in their eyes when they are so intensely present. When that changes, you can tell their quality of life diminishes."

She said pet owners have to know that to euthanize a suffering animal is an act of love.

"Humans delay the decision out of their own grief," she said. "You have to bear this to give that animal that quality all the way to the end. I am an advocate for a week too soon rather than a minute too late."

Both Stone and Twitchell explained that there is an objective tool to help a family quantify quality of life. It's called the Quality of Life Scale, and it asks pet owners to answer several questions with 1-10 ratings. The resulting score can be the gentle nudge, or something to hold onto after the pet has died.

Twitchell, whose practice offers a separate entry and exit for pet owners bringing a pet in for euthanasia, said pet owners should not feel guilty about choosing to euthanize a pet rather than spending thousands of dollars they don't have on treatment.

"The decision is a little harder when it's an economic reason, but this is the reality in people's lives. When the question is, 'Am I going to treat the cat or have Christmas for my kids?' I'd say you should rather have Christmas for your kids."

He said it's no euphemism to call it "euthanasia."

"That's Greek for 'good death,'" he said.

He said, though, that he's never "gotten used to it."

"I still hate doing it," he said. "But I've come to peace with that.

"It's kind of an honor to be part of that," he said. "To have it be such a dignified moment when it so often isn't."

Helpful resources

Visit www.veterinarypartner.com, and search for "euthanasia." The first article that comes up, by Wendy C. Brooks, a veterinarian and educational director at the website, is an excellent explanation of the process. Perhaps most helpful is the Quality of Life Scale, which can help pet owners quantify whether the pet is ready to die with dignity, or still has energy and health enough to enjoy living.

At www.pawspice.com/library.html, part of a website for a veterinary oncologist in California, are several helpful articles about caring for pets at the end of their lives, as well as Quality of Life Scales for dogs and cats.

The Association of Pet Loss and Bereavement, www.aplb.org, offers professionally-trained volunteers in pet bereavement counseling who run internet support group sessions six days a week.

The University of Pennsylvania School of Veterinary Medicine in Philadelphia offers a hotline for counseling people who have recently lost a pet. Call 215-898-4525.

The blog and website, www.petlosshelp.org, is by Susan Stone, a licensed clinical social worker (though acting as a pet owner in the blog), who discusses the power of grief following pet loss, the common feelings following euthanasia and sudden loss, ideas for memorials and preparing to adopt a new pet.

American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals grief counseling is available at 212-876-7700, ext. 4355.

Jennie Geisler can be reached at 870-1885 or by email. Follow her on Twitter at twitter.com/ETNgeisler.

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