A Modest Income Tax Proposal

by Mike Holman

This article was written by Rachelle: a real estate guru who works as a property manager and helps investors find rental properties in Toronto and surrounding areas. She has recently started a very interesting blog called Landlord Rescue. You can subscribe to the RSS feed here.

It’s our very own tempest in a teacup! Awesome. I was blissfully unaware of the controversy surrounding the post until this morning when I got Preet’s email subscription. You can’t know everything… In any case you can’t rely on financial planners to come up with solutions to tax problems. You need a genius like me!

My tax reduction strategy outlined

First of all nothing in life worth doing is easy. I don’t want to hear any whining about how you can’t make this solution work. It’s 100% legal. You’ll need an accomplice to help you. Your wife or husband is probably the best candidate. Other women or men may be willing to assist, but this increases the complexity of the scheme exponentially and is NOT recommended. I have actually implemented this strategy myself once and will one day (hopefully) expand my use further.

You’ll also need some free time to devote to your project. Like any other venture, initial forays are exciting and pleasurable. Consequent implementations are more challenging because of the initial product. There will be challenges en route, stay the course and be strong.

My method relies on the production of numerous children each of which comes with a considerable tax deduction which lasts for at least 18 years. With today’s modern technology, tax deductions can be acquired in litters. For example this ambitious tax avoider had 6 and 8 children at once. This is very beneficial if you get a large raise or bonus or are in a hurry to avoid paying taxes. Tax deductions are great and more is obviously better, like vitamins.

Wealthy Canadians may be reluctant to embrace my strategy. There is a often-perpetuated myth that children may be expensive. This idea totally ignores economy of scale and additional opportunities provided by hordes of tax deductions. For instance, during the first year of life, the children can be breastfed, which is free. If you have multiple children: don’t worry, small children take up less space. Storage may become an issue. If this occurs just start sending them out on “sleep overs” You may even find this an ideal time to work on next year’s crop.

Once you have a substantial amount of CRA exemptions you may begin to think that you need to expand your living quarters. As usual every problem has already been solved and thanks to the wonders of the internet, the solution is readily accessible. I am so magnanimous that I will share the solution. I would like to add that charging your underage children rent is not really ethical… you have my permission to employ the fix without requiring payment. Ignore negative thinkers.

There are actually considerable savings available to the creative parent who seeks to use their powers for good. For example, children enjoy bike riding. You can set up a electricity generating bike “farm” of your very own and help save the planet!

You will no longer require expensive tickets to sporting events, you can have your own personal hockey, football or soccer team ready to entertain you on demand. I can almost certainly guarantee you ringside attendance to numerous boxing matches. Entrepreneurial parents could even sell tickets.

Summary

As you can see there is no reason to employ dubious tax reduction strategies. There are perfectly legal methods allowed to reduce your taxation. These deductions are unlikely to be retroactively revoked. You don’t want to fall for any half baked and expensive schemes.

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Not to mention the awesome CCTB and UCCB ; especially if the tax deduction creation vessel doesn’t earn income. You could also perform this strategy solo through adoption. Just remember not to fill out ‘Looking for Tax Deduction’ on your adoption forms.

Excellent points. We have not yet had the pleasure of a true boxing match between our two preschoolers, but remain hopeful. In the meantime there is plenty of gladiatorial-style combat (e.g. wrestling, use of a variety of weapons). One significant advantage of large families which you forgot to mention is the lack of need for expensive child care. Whether it’s for a full day or just a few hours out on the town, no need to hire a babysitter or nanny. Just assign one or more little ones to each of the older ones, and set draconian penalties for failing to keep their charges alive.

I also want to point out that some of the most beneficial discoveries can be accidental like penicillin.

For instance I discovered how to energize your children just last week. While I was in the shower my son acquired a bottle of Quik chocolate syrup from the fridge and drank about half of it… the other half was on the floor (What a waste!) He was very energetic all day… except for about five minutes on the couch where he just made strange noises I had never heard come from a child. You could modify one of those beer holding hats for chocolate syrup for your children so that they are better bike farmers.