You wouldn't dare say this in their presence -- if you're smart, you won't invite them to the same planet -- but Steven Seagal and Spy magazine have a few things in common.

Both leaped to prominence in the late Reagan years: Seagal as a from-nowhere star in his first movie (Above the Law), Spy as the hipper-than-thou champion of attitude journalism. Both like to make fun of short people. Both offered sleek twists on tired genres: Seagal the martial-arts movie, Spy the glossy gossip rag. Both are deeply indebted to Creative Artists Agency boss Michael Ovitz, who is Seagal's movie...