I am DPOA over mom's health and finances. She is being too demanding of my time. I am with her between 12 and 3 every day of the week for 4 years now. I needed one (1 !!!) day to do her stock paperwork and filing today. I told her this. Just got a call @ 7:00 pm that she is lonely, blames me, and wants to move.I am ready to put some of her money into a companion.I am an only child.I have two teens, and frankly, I'm sick of running ragged for everyone and entertaining her. We go to stores for no reason. I just get her out. Once she said, "I don't care if we drive around the block 10x. I need to get out."She refuses senior center activities unless I am with her.I am 48 and cannot work because she will threaten to sell her home if I am not at her beckon call.She forgot I told her I would need today to do her paperwork.Now she is yelling at me and telling me she needs to start thinking about herself.I told her (and I regret saying it) that that is one thing she has never had a problem doing.And it is the 11000% truth.I'm tired, I'm pissed, and I'm wondering:Can I get a companion to come in 1x a week to give me a break and entertain her?What if she throws them out?It will piss her off to no end. She only wants me.She's threatening to sell the house and move again...... God help me.I don't think she can, but still.(half the time she doesn't know what month it is.)help ?

17 Answers

Tell her good luck and hand her the phone number to a real estate agent in CT.

In the meantime while your mom is spinning her wheels on that, hire a caregiver. When you find one tell your mom when the caregiver will be there (but don't tell her too much ahead of time). It might be a good idea if you're there the first time although caregivers have experience in dealing with clients who don't want them around. Your mom won't hurt the caregiver's feelings. If you go with an agency you can tell them that your mom is less than thrilled at having someone in the home and the agency may be able to send out their sweetest, most charming caregiver. Maybe someone who's over 30 and may have some things in common with your mom. Your mom may end up loving it. It's happened before.

I know it's difficult. Guardianship is always an option but try to do this without guardianship first. It may work out and you will have saved a bundle on attorney's fees.

Your mom is losing her independence which is a) very difficult and scary to her and b) driving you nuts having to be the 'bad guy' and the one who makes all the decisions. Many elderly people live their lives kicking and screaming against change and hollering whenever they feel threatened. Be loving but firm.

Eyerishlass - great advice! I appreciate all of you taking the time to answer me. BUT what do you do when you say it's going to be assisted living, or you need to accept having a companion a day or two a week.... and she says, NEITHER! I am moving! Then what? The guardianship? I mean she's making it kind of hard, but I know she doesn't mean to make it hard..... the whole thing is hard.

Your mom really isn't the boss. Dementia has robbed her of her ability to make rational decisions and someone who can't make rational decisions is not "the boss". The fact that your mom wants to sell her house and move to CT when there's no one there for her is an indication of the progress of the dementia. As is the rotten food in the fridge and the dirty plate in the silverware drawer. That she can still apply makeup and put on jewelry doesn't mean anything. I had a patient once who put her beautiful, expensive outfit on over her pajamas. She too was decked out in jewelry and makeup. She looked beautiful and totally normal until the pajama top started to snake its way out of her designer blouse.

Since you are the one who is caring for her, that would make YOU the boss. If you need to supplement her care with an in-home companion then that's what you need to do and if your mom doesn't like it then you can let her know that there are things in your life that you need to take care of as well and it's either a companion a couple of times a week or you and she can begin looking at assisted living facilities. One way or another you're going to have to tend to your own life.

I know that's easier said than done but when elderly people with dementia put their foot down on accepting assistance compromises have to be made if they want to continue to stay in their home.

Jeannegibbs, mom was diagnosed with dementia in late 2011. So.... that was 3 years ago..... She was 88 at the time, and is 91 now. The doctor told me she would do better living at an assisted living facility... that she really shouldn't live alone; but I told him since I am across the street and am with her every afternoon and make her supper and count her pills, take care of her bills with her account, etc., that she was okay. I don't work so I am pretty much available to help. And mom was adamant (and still is) about not wanting any part of assisted living. she wants to remain in her house. Hey, that's fine by me as long as we can do it. She still makes her own breakfast and washes the dishes. She still takes her own sponge bath, she applies makeup, puts on her clothes, washes laundry, and folds clothes. She also takes care of her puppy, and always remembers to put jewelry on..... the problem is these odd things that are starting... like finding rotten food in the fridge, and finding a ceramic plate pushed into the silverware drawer.... the house is so full you cannot move in there and when I mention it she yells at me and tells me it is her house and she's in charge; so being in control is a big deal for her. She also wants people SHE chooses to come and stay or visit... like our cousin, Linda, who is in CT and doesn't even call to ask how she's doing... Linda never calls mom anymore. She has her own issues and lives 1000 miles away... Mom has no friends, WANTS no friends, and certainly wants no help. She wants me. And if I take a day to get her paperwork in order and work here at home, God forbid, she lays on the guilt and actually begins to say, "I have to think about myself now... I may have to sell the house and leave, Paula..." And I just roll my eyes and groan. Thankfully today we are back on track going to dentist. She broke her partial. She has literally asked me 10x in 3 days the same questions... so I think she had another mini stroke or something... ugh!

A Guardian has the legal power to move her to a memory care facility once the Judge has granted you a court order to protect the person and the property. A DPOA certainly allows you to manage her affairs, but only in accordance with her wishes. The problem is that as dementia advances, the patient is no longer able to make safe choices, or rational ones. Often elders sell the house and give everything away, which leaves them broke, homeless and unable to get Medicaid because they made poor choices. In many cases, had Guardianship been obtained, the elder would have been protected from that.

I just brought her dinner over after I had typed this initial question. I walked in the door and it was about 7:30 or so...? She asked me if it was 7:30 in the morning. I said no it's getting dark, it's 7:30 at night I brought you some supper. She said, I just ate breakfast! I can't eat that! Then she asked 4 more times if it was night or morning. I guess she had taken a nap and then woke up confused. I went into her silverware drawer and found a dinner plate in there too... I wonder if she is losing ground..

Ah. Yes, moving to another state would be a problem, wouldn't it? But you could use her talking about it to get enthusiastic about moving to somewhere there would be people around all the time.

Living right across the street MAY allow her to stay "independent" (i.e., only dependent on you) for longer than most dementia patients. But you have to consider your own level of health and availability, too. It is not too soon to start thinking ahead to a care center of some kind, and it is certainly time to bring in some in-home help.

Would it help you both if you spread your own in-person care time out a little? An hour in the morning, and hour during or after lunch, an hour in the evening (maybe helping her to bed)? I'm wondering if this would make her feel less alone and also be less overwhelming to you. And then substitute a companion for one of those slots. ("Betty is going to start coming to get your lunch ready for you each day. And maybe you two can play 500 after that")

Dementia creates delusions, often quite fantastic in nature. Mom tells cousins she is moving back home and that the nurse who is living in her apartment will take care of her. She is at Assisted Living and has no idea where she is. We could tell her she is in Connecticut.

I have no problem with her selling the house; the thing is she threatens to sell it and move back to CT. We are in FL. She literally lives across the street from me, which is how I can easily help her. She gets mad and threatens to move back home. There is nobody there!

Encourage her to move. Try a month at Assisted Living, we told mom it was like a cruise, it just never leaves the dock. Activities, bus trips, meals, a maid. She packed for a month and went. She loved it and decided to stay. Just don't take her back to the house, she will change her mind.

You are dealing with dementia, for sure. Early phase is confused, manipulative, demanding and angry. Medications may help get through this phase. If she cannot pass a mini-mental exam, seek Guardianship.

And she shouldn't sell her house and move because ... ? Selling and moving into some level of care community might be awesome for her. Your profile says she has dementia. Living alone beyond the earliest stages of dementia is unusual. My husband could not have lived alone at any point in his dementia journey; my mother made it a few years with LOTS of support.

At some point your mother is going to need more than the 3 hours you can give her. Maybe hiring in-home help is a good answer for that. Or maybe having her live where there is staff available 24 hours and monitored activities would be best.

She only wants you. Well, as my mother (and probably yours) said over and over as we grew up, we can't always have what we want. We need to make the best of what we can have.

Start by hiring a companion. Some people introduce this is a sneaky way. "My good friend's cousin needs some more work hours and I told her we'd try her out here. It is a kindness and maybe you'll like having someone around here a bit." Some people are more forthright. "I know you don't like being alone so much but I can't come over all the time. This woman is going to help us both." Do whatever you think will work.

But also start thinking ahead. What are you going to do when Mom really can't be on her own all day and all night, even with a few hours of help? Selling the house and moving might be something worth thinking hard about.

Several different ways you could go. (I assume you have her financial and medical powers of attorney by now. If not, that should top your to-do list.)

In suburban Chicago, unskilled companions/aids are available for $22/hour through Comfort Care and others. Schedule them as suits your calendar. They will keep mom company, do laundry, light housekeeping, feed her lunch/dinner, visit, dispense prepared medication on your schedule and many other helpful tasks that'll free up your time.

Or you could move towards selling her house and moving her into assisted living. There's an assisted living facility family has used that's $1500 a month; room/board/three meals from a restaurant menu in their dining room. Regular programs and to-do's; doctors come right to the facility to save trips, podiatrists, transportation to shopping and excursions, medication assistance and more. A la carte services are available to cover almost any unskilled service she would need as time goes on.

If YOU need to pay for some of these things before your mom sells her home, be sure to keep excellent records so you can be paid back. I have no idea what your financial situation is, but if mom needs Medicaid, they will question disbursements for five years back. In order to get reimbursed, you MUST keep accurate records.

Check with your local Council on Aging. Mom is excluded from most of their services because of her assets, but she STILL gets a $1,000 a year stipend to use for in-home care.

Before she moved in with me, she got Meals on Wheels for a suggested donation of $5/day (5 days a week), a woman came in for two hours to do house cleaning for $7 an hour twice a month. There's lots of things out there, but you have to search for them. The Council on Aging will direct you.

If she refuses to have in-home help, you're faced with a dilemma. If she can manage alone? Leave her alone for all but three days a week. If she can't, you can call Social Services and they'll help you get the wheels rolling to either cajole her into accepting other help or moving her into assisted living.

"Mom, one way or another? You're getting outside help. I've got a plan that keeps you here in your home. If you resist? I'm getting authorities involved, and they'll make sure you're safe -- which is probably going to mean moving into assisted living or a nursing home. Work with me here!!!!"

Be prepared for fireworks. Things aren't going to get better until they get worse. Hang in there.

I am also an only child, and I have POA for my folks (done while they were fully fine). I was able to sell thier home alone with no problems, so I assume I could have PREVENTED the sale as well. Why is it such a deal if she sells home? Do you live there also? Maybe she would do better with others to keep her company and entertained? As for the companion.. do it if you need it. I hired one for Dad when he moved in with us and Mom was in rehab. It worked well and I was able to work and know he was taken care of and kept safe. You are only with her 3 hours a day so I assume you don;t live with her? I guess I just don;t understand the repeated comments about her selling her home? More info please, and good luck.

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