I have bad road rage. I mean that in the most literal way possible. That is, I have road rage. When driving, especially by myself, I get mad at only the road. I don’t get angry with other drivers. I don’t care that they don’t use turn signals, cut me off, don’t let me into their lane, flip me off, or honk at me just because I’m text messaging while driving seventy miles-per-hour from the passenger’s seat on the shoulder of the freeway.

No, I get mad at intangible, ridiculous things that should in no way incite anger for any reason. If, for example, I’m stuck in rush hour traffic, I start to get angry that the freeway doesn’t have a secret invisible lane that escalates towards the sky and takes only me directly to my house. I start to get mad that the city planners didn’t design a freeway that had just one extra lane for traffic. If there was merely one more lane, then traffic would flow smoothly all of the time. I punch off my radio and slam my steering wheel because of all of the trash and debris on the road that may be damaging my wheels. This is really messed up, and I am completely aware.

I now need somebody in my life for yet another reason. When somebody else is with me in the car, my anger is decreased significantly. All of my energy is refocused on not making the other person hate me. I’m really good at making people not think I have rage issues while driving. Most of the time, the other person in my car doesn’t even see me as a homicidal, reactionary maniac ready to explode at inanimate objects like freeways and imaginary sky lanes. But really, this is about how much more comfortable I feel in a confined space with a pretty person sitting next to me. I think a good date would be just a three-hour drive somewhere in the evening. Cars are the perfect place for introspective conversation not marred by superficialities because if you look at the other person for too long, you will crash and die.

We all know not to drink and drive and we all know to fasten our seatbelts, but how about driving while your hot date is sitting next to you in the passenger seat? The rules for that may not have legal recourse, but they should be followed just the same. I know its girls who are supposed to be the bad drivers, but you’d be surprised the stunts guys would pull to impress a woman. Just because it’s considered chivalrous for the man to drive, doesn’t give you a free pass to put the pedal to the metal.

Some tips on how not to literally drive your date crazy in the car:

-Have a clean car with a full tank of gas. It’s more important than the type of car you’re driving. Late one night many years ago, my date drove around for half an hour looking for an open gas station. Another date had to clear debris off my seat but there was still tons of clutter under my feet. And if you have the time, go to a carwash or wipe the car down quickly. Seeing a thick coating of dust on the rear windshield with the words “wash me” written into it is not attractive.

-That said, guys who are overly obsessed with their cars are also a turn-off. One guy picked me up in his teeny-tiny luxury convertible freshly waxed with personalized plates. A friend’s ex-boyfriend was a fanatic about his car, but it wasn’t even like it was a 1957 Corvette Stingray, it was a 15-year-old foreign import! And he wasn’t trying to keep it in pristine condition for resale value, he just thought his car was the cat’s meow.

-Driving safely is a major turn-on. Don’t drive like your Grandma, but this isn’t the Indy 500 either. If I end up with whiplash because you slam the brakes at every red light, I’m probably not going to make out with you. Let me know you care about me by making me feel safe in your car. Reclining your seat all the way back and using your knee to guide the steering wheel is not cute. Asking me to be the deejay so you aren’t distracted from watching the road… is. Cursing at the guy who cut you off while you flash your brights and tail him, not so hot. Using your turn signals and waving to the guy who let you in… hot. Slowing down to let an elderly couple or a mom with a stroller safely get on the curb before turning… very hot.

-When it comes to music, program a setting to the Top 40 station and make sure the volume doesn’t impede conversation while at the same time diffusing any awkward silences. I don’t understand when a car full of people pulls up beside me with the base so loud it makes my car vibrate. Who can talk?

-Besides the obvious tips of opening the door for a lady, there are other things you can do to make your date feel comfortable: keep a box of tissues handy; make sure your car’s not making any peculiar noises; and if there’s no parking nearby, don’t be too cheap not to pay for valet sometimes – I wore these sexy stilettos for you, so please don’t make me actually have to walk in them!

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