Infidelity: My Cautionary Tale

A spouse's infidelity is one of the most traumatic events one can experience.

I have been coming to Aish.com for guidance for years. The content is educational, inspirational, entertaining, thought-provoking and often applicable to my daily life. I have often wished I could share a life experience with the Aish.com readership with the intent of helping others as I have been helped by Aish.com. I had hoped that my tale would be an example of heroism or personal growth. I never dreamed that my experience would instead be a traumatic cautionary tale. Some facts have been changed or omitted to protect my anonymity.

I was a 35-year-old professional living in a mid-sized city, in a close-knit Jewish community. I was married, the father of three beautiful children. Because our children were still young, my wife and I were very busy. Despite this, we usually found time for each other: we went on "dates" almost every week, and we dedicated time to being intimate, as is encouraged by the Jewish laws of family purity. We fought like any couple, but the lines of communication were always open, and we always reconciled. I was proud of the fact that after years of marriage, we were still attracted to each other and loved each other deeply. I felt as if we were one enjoined soul and I was certain my wife felt the same way.

Unbeknownst to me, there was an insidious evil lurking in our community.

To all outward appearances we were the luckiest people in the world: We were educated, financially comfortable, active in the Jewish community, well-loved by our friends and family, and, most importantly, in a harmonious relationship. I include these circumstances to indelibly burn into your conscience that what happened to us can truly happen to anybody.

Unbeknownst to me, there was an insidious evil lurking in our community. My wife and I were friends with another couple. We spent a lot of quality time with them on Shabbat, in synagogue, and various social functions. We would double date and our children played together. They were fixtures in our house and we were fixtures in theirs. The husband, in particular, spent a lot of time at our house.

One day, out of the blue, my Rabbi approached me and told me that my wife is too relaxed around this man, and that we should take measures to limit their time together because their conversations are peppered with lewd humor and playful innuendos. I was dismissive because nowadays that is how friends relate to each other. I understood the Rabbi on an intellectual level, but viscerally I could not appreciate how a friendship like this could degenerate into something worse. This man was very helpful to us and I trusted my wife to be a mature adult, capable of setting her own limits on what is appropriate. Nevertheless, I heeded the Rabbi's advice and notified my wife. But as time passed, the boundaries of their relationship again grew lax. Quite honestly, I did not have the time or energy to enforce my wife's boundaries for her.

A few years later, this man began to experience marital problems. He stopped by our house more frequently to confide in my wife. Although I was troubled by how comfortable my wife was around this man; I did not feel threatened in any way because my children were also in the house and I felt like they would act as a buffer for any potential mischief. I was not adequately familiar with the Jewish laws of yichud (seclusion). Around the same time, texting had become more prevalent and in retrospect, my wife's cell phone began buzzing around the clock. This, too, did not seem unusual because texting had become the new way to communicate. So again, I remained unconcerned about the amount of time my wife was spending with this man.

My trust was based on the fact that I still deemed our marriage to be healthy: we shared values and our life mission, we communicated our feelings easily, and we were still attracted to each other. My wife adhered to the laws of tzniut (modesty) by covering her hair and dressing appropriately in public, and she regularly visited the mikvah. Despite all these safeguards, I still suggested that she not get too involved in this man's life, but my suggestion went unheeded.

The bomb dropped on our tenth wedding anniversary. A few months prior, my wife told me that this man said something inappropriate to her. She also told his wife, and he was quite insulted that my wife informed on him. This episode reinforced my sense of security that my wife knows how to set and enforce boundaries of decency with members of the opposite gender.

On the morning of my tenth wedding anniversary, however, I discovered that for the last three months my wife was having an emotional affair with this man – one that included physical contact, and was on the verge of being consummated. The reason my wife confessed on that day was because the other woman also found out and had threatened to tell me. While this man appeared to be a poor "lost soul" trapped in a loveless marriage, he turned out to be a predator of the worst sort, confessing that he had been pursuing my wife for years. Worse, the affair was consensual – although my wife tried to minimize her own involvement. Despite all the warning signs, I was caught completely off guard.

What followed was a physical and emotional turmoil from which I am still reeling six months later. Although difficult to describe, it is a near-lethal cocktail of loss, rage, fear, sadness, shame, confusion, paranoia, disgust, and helplessness, coupled with the physical symptoms of hyper-vigilance, loss of appetite, sleep disruption, and weight loss experienced by all trauma survivors. I continued to work, but I sat at my desk unable to focus, a hollow, empty, grieving shell of my former self.

Shame prevented me from confiding in anyone. This was a mistake, as the burden is impossible for one person to shoulder.

The shame prevented me from confiding in anyone. In retrospect, this was a mistake, as the burden is impossible for one person to shoulder, and my colleagues began to notice my odd behavior and decline in productivity. After two unbearable days, I called my sister and confessed what had happened. Acting on her advice, I made up an excuse at work and drove to her house. I could not remain in the toxic environment of my own home any longer. I returned home a few days later, still devastated, but with a plan on how to survive.

Everything God does is for the best, but I could not see this in the midst of my pain. For a few weeks, I walked away from God, and withdrew from all aspects of my Jewish observance: I stopped going to synagogue, learning Torah, putting on tefillin. I felt like an onen (one who has suffered the death of a relative and is discharged from the obligation of mitzvot prior to the interment). In the ensuing days, with the help of my sister and a trusted Rabbi I regained some clarity. I began to see the hand of God even in the midst of the upheaval: The Rabbi and my sister were available exactly when I needed them and told me exactly what I needed to hear. I could not reach my mother by phone on that day – the news would have devastated her and probably further jeopardized my now-shaky relationship with my wife. My children were young enough not to recognize the turmoil in our house.

I am still digging myself out of this trench with the help of a therapist, Rabbi, marriage counselor, support group, journal, and a lot of prayer. Even writing this story is therapeutic. There is still a lot of work to do to repair the relationship and recover, but there is also hope. And I have come to realize this upheaval was placed in my path as a growing experience. It did not kill me because God also gives the strength to withstand life’s challenges. I am also grateful that the infidelity, as traumatic as it was, did not blow up into a full-fledge illicit affair that would have irrevocably destroyed our marriage.

A spouse's infidelity is one of the most traumatic events one can experience, akin to the loss of a child or a terrorist attack. Anyone who dismisses this has not experienced it. Still, I learned that there are things that both the betrayed and the wayward spouse can do to survive the initial trauma and begin healing. I will highlight these below in order to help others survive, as a gesture of gratitude to God for helping me survive.

If you have just experienced infidelity of a spouse:

1) Your actions in the first few days are critical. Things that you do or say in response to the shock can preserve or destroy the now-fragile relationship. lt is hard to believe in the immediate aftermath that reconciliation can occur, but it can. So you need to avoid hasty actions that can further damage the relationship. lf you cannot control your actions or feel the urge to act on your violent revenge fantasies, then leave for a few days to collect your thoughts. Make any excuse to your boss that you need, but please escape. No decisions regarding divorce, confrontation, or retaliation should be made in the immediate aftermath. Also, recognize that your body will experience physiologic aftershocks that will last for months, so make a conscious effort to take care of yourself.

2) Find one confidante, but choose wisely. You will need rational, sage advice in the immediate aftermath as you cannot count on yourself to be reasonable. I recommend you speak to the most level-headed, objective relative, friend, or therapist that you have. A qualified, trusted Rabbi is ideal since there are very serious and complex matters of Jewish law that will need to be addressed in the aftermath.

You should, however, limit the number of people you tell because not everyone can be trusted, and once the secret is out, it is much harder to control the damage. You should also avoid those who may fuel the flames of your anger. If you have no one in whom to confide, the internet and your local library have invaluable resources and on-line support groups (e.g. aish.com, dearpeggy.com, survivinginfidelity.com, beyondaffairs.com).

3) You may be tempted to blame yourself. Instead, take consolation in the fact that you are not alone and that you did not deserve this. Just because shame prevents people from talking openly about infidelity, it does not mean that it is not happening in your community. Infidelity is not talked about in religious Jewish circles. Although we have all heard stories, no one seriously thinks it will happen to them. Being observant does not provide complete insulation. Very little can soften the blow to your ego, and surviving infidelity is the toughest thing I have ever been forced to do; but I did it and so can you.

4) God does not only forgive us for our small insignificant transgressions. He forgives us for all our transgressions, regardless of size (think Golden Calf!). If we are to emulate God, then we must eventually forgive our wayward spouses. Forgiveness does not require condoning their actions, nor is it unconditional. Rather it is contingent on their admission of guilt, remorse, and taking steps to prevent it from happening again. This can take many forms and is a very long process, but it has to be the focus of all your efforts in the months to follow if there is any hope of salvaging the relationship.

If you are the wayward spouse:

1) Confessing before getting caught is ideal, but if you are discovered, full disclosure is mandatory for optimal healing. You will be tempted to continue lying about the details of the affair in order to minimize your involvement in it, to protect yourself, or to avoid further hurting your spouse. But take it from a betrayed spouse: counterintuitive as it may seem, full disclosure from the moment of discovery projects cooperation, goodwill, and a willingness to put the affair behind you – three things in short supply that the relationship needs to help restore trust in the long run. After six months, I am more bitter about the additional lies and the trickle of painful truths that I subsequently exposed on my own than I am of the affair itself.

2) Break off all ties with your affair partner immediately. You may feel ambivalent about this, but nothing is more damaging to your marriage than demonstrating on-going loyalty to the person who helped you damage it. You may feel sympathy for the affair partner, but you will quickly realize that this sympathy is misplaced when you reflect on what this person has done to your life.

3) Expect your spouse to act very erratically following your disclosure because a betrayal of this magnitude is a very disorienting experience. Nevertheless, be patient and try to empathize with your spouse in the aftermath of discovery. If you cannot do so, then a few days of forced separation may be helpful. Also, know that there are books written specifically for wayward spouses on how to handle the affair.

Recognition of the threat is the first step in eliminating it.

No relationship is 100% affair-proof. Before the affair I would have scoffed at this notion, but I have learned that every human has an illogical animalistic side that will permit us to rationalize anything when faced with a strong enough temptation. We call this the yetzer hara (evil inclination) and one need not look further than Adam and Eve, a piece of chocolate cake on the counter, or this story to prove its existence. The yetzer hara does not knock on your front door; it is much sneakier. My wife is a refined, observant, mother of three, who had a very normal upbringing and marriage. Such is the power of the yetzer hara, that she almost destroyed herself, her husband, and her children's lives by succumbing to temptation.

Jewish law has much to say about how to reduce the likelihood of infidelity. There is no substitute for strict adherence to these laws, open communication between spouses, and most importantly, a realistic awareness that infidelity exists even in the observant Jewish community.

Maimonides wrote 900 years ago that seclusion between a man and a woman in a private setting is the greatest cause of mistakes and grief in these matters.

Of course, a man and woman who seek to violate these norms will not be stopped by any such guidelines. But they do help to prevent good people from falling prey to their base desires. We are too lax in socializing with members of the opposite sex and don’t appreciate the potentially dangerous temptation that lurks just beneath the surface.

About the Author

Visitor Comments: 58

(43)
Yaffa,
April 6, 2014 4:30 PM

It is nothing less than shocking when a person thinks it cannot happen to them. Very few people have a spouse that couldn't not be liked enough to have an affair with. And it really isn't about liking someone is it. For some it's about sex and for some it's emotional or both. Get to reality where you realize it can happen in 85% of marriages.

(42)
Devorah,
March 31, 2014 2:58 PM

Thank you

I too went through this and appreciate your ability to put this so well. May you and your family continue to heal. My spouse and I were not able to reconcile, but we were able to move forward and raise our then young children.

(41)
Ploni Aloni,
March 28, 2014 8:06 PM

Infidelity is like a nuclear explosion.

Mty grandparents broke up when my mother was an infant, due to infidelity.My mother shed tears about that breakup the last time I saw her alive.. This primary relationship of support in her life was one that she could not trust. It crippled her in her marital and familial relationships. Don't kid yourself. There are rough stretches in a marriage. A commitment to fidelity is for precisely the times when your feelings towards each other are mixed. It means that instead of blowing off steam with an affair, you are dealing with the issues instead of, in a manner of speaking, drugging them away by messing around.

I have seen that infidelity can have repercussions three generations down the line, in terms of how it damages people who are the partners or offspring of a damaged marriage. It is, among other things, child abuse. I respect the authour of this piece tremendously, and dismiss as glib any criticism whatsoever of his reactions and observations..In the storms and stresses that can toss the ship of marriage, who can say they haven't had stormy times?

My mother's heartache, as well as a time when my father cheated on her leaves me with some visceral feelings about the importance of working things out and not cheating. The man who wrote this deserves nothing but the highest respect.

(40)
Anonymous,
March 28, 2014 2:22 PM

No Plastic saints in Judaism.The words of the sages and Tanach itself warn us all to be on guard against sin

sin which more accurately should be translates as mistake is always a danger. it is the price we pay for the divine gift of free will. strict separation between men and women whenever possible seems the best fence,but at times particularly in the work place that may not be possible. when the author writes "conversations are peppered with lewd humor and playful innuendos. I was dismissive because nowadays that is how friends relate to each other" that means change those norms or get new friends.in this area there is always a danger and that behavior is an invitation for disaster. one should never assume it can't happen to them. king menashe's words paraphrased to if you lived when I did you'd be worshipping idols in a heartbeat ring true here as well.

(39)
Anonymous,
March 27, 2014 11:18 PM

Underlying the lies

A shallow marriage is a breeding ground for promiscuity. The husband here was under the misconception that his marriage was strong before this happened. There are indeed laws and boundaries that contribute to preventing these tragedies, but there is nothing like a healthy, satisfying marriage to steer spouses clear of these things. A marriage is like building a corporation. The CEOs/spouses must have dreams and a vision for what it could grow into. They must constantly invest in the company/relationship. They must be the kind of spouses that noone would ever want to lose. Life is very challenging and we get very busy trying to juggle everything. We must remember to invest our time, which is our most valuable resource!!, wisely. The author said he didn't have time to make sure his wife was being careful about her boundaries. Does he now have time to pick up the pieces and rebuild? Prevention is the best solution. Invest in your marriage - every day. There is a fantastic resource that I would recommend to anyone serious about having a life of bliss (because that is what a happy marriage can provide). Google "Mort Fertel on marriage." He is an orthodox Jew and a very wise man. He has more common sense than most marriage counselors and I highly recommend his program. It could prevent disaster and give you skills to really build a relationship with your spouse. I have first hand experience with what it can do for a troubled marriage.Much success to you all!

(38)
Anonymous,
March 26, 2014 6:44 PM

taking this too far

This article is confusing. First of all the wife fortunately didn't get to the point of having an affair. And even if she did how can one even compare this to G-d forbid losing a child or a terrorist attack? People who are murdered cannot come back. A marriage can rebuild itself. This man needs to put his ego aside and look at himself in this marriage. He needs to get in back in control and be a strong but patient husband and father.

Anonymous,
March 27, 2014 9:04 PM

No, he is SPOT on.

He found out that she was on the brink of consummating this affair. She was highly tempted and it was about to overcome her. Luckily he found out in time. This is NOT about his ego, as you wrote. It is about his real feelings dealing with the fallout, and he sounds very strong and patient already. What a noble person he is. Kudos to the author. She is fortunate to have you aas her husband and hopefully she will make the adjustments necessary to bring you both back together, maybe even stronger than before.

Sara,
March 28, 2014 4:27 AM

as the author said, you cannot understand it because you did not live through it. When one's spouse is unfaithful, even just emotionally, even with just a kiss, the loss one experiences is all-consuming. I understand, I experienced a very similar circumstance.

b,
May 13, 2014 6:32 PM

no heart

You obviously have no heart or have not been thru tough times! That is very mean for you to say " he needs to put his ego aside".

(37)
Anonymous,
March 26, 2014 2:23 PM

#25 sw - unfair comment

I don't see how you came to the conclusion that the writer was playing the victim and whitewashing his part. HE IS THE ONE who wrote about the warning and that he didn't heed it. He called it a cautionary tale, and this was one of points of caution - showing how he was too passive and did not take steps to nip it in the bud. He could have chosen not to disclose that part so that he could play innocent victim, but he did reveal it in order to warn readers to be alert to early signs. Rubbing it in as you did is simply unkind.

(36)
Nomi,
March 25, 2014 9:03 PM

very worthy article

This article brought out some very worthy points. the foremost in my opinion being that the so-called "modern" value which accepts so much casual intermingling of the genders requires careful re-examination. I was brought up with very casual, free, libertine, accepting values regarding gender relations and I have come to feel there is a lot of self-deception in this way of thinking / living. As a non-Jewish source read stated, in so many of those male-female relations termed "just friends," the field is being held open as a testing ground for whether flirtations leading to intimacy may evolve. Let us learn to be more conscious about what we are doing, and not deceive ourselves which ultimately leads us to deceive others. And I see no need to nitpick with the author or commentators about the terms they use to describe their experiences. I have gained valuable insight from this article and am discussing same with my real (female and male) friends.

(35)
Anonymous,
March 25, 2014 6:16 PM

The Wayward Spouse

Having also been through the experience it hurts even 8 years later to read your article. I was the wayward spouse and although my husband did not deserve the pain I inflicted on him he did nothing to prevent it. Only you know fully to what point you could have prevented this. My husband was beyond passive. The man with which I had the affair was also known by my husband. We did not socialize but he was an acquaintance of my husband for many years before we married. He knew him and the type of man he was. There was no interest on my part to get to know him and yet my husband made it a point on every occasion he spoke with this man to relay messages from him. Messages that grew more and more improper, but it was all in fun.After 10 years of marriage, I still loved my husband but I felt very neglected and we had grown apart. I asked for marital counseling. He ignored me. When this mans intentions became clearer I asked him to get this man out of our lives. He thought nothing of this man showing up at our house when he wasn't home. He began sending me to his house on errands. My husband could not or would not believe that his "FRIEND" would betray him. Yes I believe this man was a predator, he knew fully of our marital problems from my spouse, because men sometimes share too much information as well. I have to accept my responsibility, I was not forced to have an affair, but I have to say that I don't believe my spouse to be blameless. I did confess the affair. Telling him was probably one of the worst things I ever had to do. He was not forgiving to say the least. We also had three children and neither that nor the 15 years we had been together mattered. We divorced. So from my perspective the person being cheated on is not always blameless and if you can believe it the person who had the affair will carry the shame and the scars even when no one else knows.

(34)
Eric,
March 25, 2014 6:03 PM

not alone...

This happened to me as well. I've been on my own now for 6 years next month, and only see my little daughters every other weekend. A disaster. Reading several of the comments helped me - the ones saying that 'life is now good.' Its getting better and my life is pretty ok, all thanks to HaShem. But the sorrow is still there in the memories. They don't fade, but take their place with the rest of my "baggage." Thanks to Aish for these sorts of life articles.

(33)
AMSB,
March 25, 2014 4:49 PM

Protect your children

I didn't read all the comments so I apologize if this was already said. The author mentioned that his children were young enough not to recognize the turmoil in the house. I could not disagree more. Children are very perceptive and are always paying attention and learning and soaking up whatever information they can get. They notice everything, even if it doesn't look like it. Do not dismiss them. Unless they are infants, I assure you they probably did notice the turmoil. They may have been too scared or confused to say anything, or they didn't know what to say, but they most likely did notice. Please talk to them and be honest with them and explain to them what happened. You can definitely do it in a way they will understand, and in a way that won't cast blame or cast anyone in a bad light. But don't lie to them and definitely talk to them about it and be open with them and encourage them to ask questions. Otherwise it could damage them emotionally, just as badly as you suffered emotionally, if not worse. You don't want them to end up in the same situation you are in now.

(32)
Anonymous,
March 25, 2014 3:48 PM

You have told my story

THANK YOU AISH FOR ALLOWING THESE WORDS TO BE PUBLISHED.
THANK YOU SURVIVOR FOR WRITING THEM.
You have written my story, with all it's pain and ugliness. It is a 2 year old story.
What makes this all to familiar tale being told again more beneficial, I believe, is the helpful tips at the end of the article for both the survivor and the offender.
I agree what you do immediately after infadelity is exposed is ultra important. I did not have this wise advise and acted out of raw emotion- making everything worse( if that's possible)
I have grow immensely as I have had to rely on God for each breath and each kind thought for quite some time. He has shown me areas where I was as much a player in our overall negitive situation- the breakdown of our marriage. He is revealing still today.
2 years later I am again struggling- again with the same problem, again with the same husband. I now am praying for wisdom. I wonder if he- my husband is the sexual predator- He puts on a happy face for our Rabbi, friends and family but behind the mask he is a hard man to be married to- and at what point do I say it's to much?

J,
March 27, 2014 8:44 PM

Addiction or Slip?

To Anonymous commentator# 32.It sounds like there is a possibility that your husband is an addict. If this is the case there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop him on your own as it had nothing to do with you or your marriage. Please know there is help out there such as therapists that specialize in sex addiction, support groups for both you and him and 12 step meetings. Unfortunately, I speak from experience and feel your pain as the spouse of an addict.. If you want more information you can contact webmaster@aish.com and they will put you in contact with me. Good Luck!!!

(31)
Rachel,
March 24, 2014 10:34 PM

I am sorry for your pain, but this was not adultery

Causing pain to one's spouse is wrong in and of itself. I also think it is right that you left out many details to protect everyone involved. Having said that, I am left with questions. First, why didnt the rabbi speak directly to your wife? I would not attend a shul where my rabbi treated me with so little trust or respect? Whatis meant by the term predator used to describe the other man? To suggest that someone who is seducing a grown woman is like a pedophile minimizes the abusers of children. Finally, while it is my sincere hope that your marriage is recovering and you do not continue to suffer, I would reiterate that an emotional affair is not adultery. And its annoying to me that everyone wants to be a victim or a survivor. Those terms, too, should be reserved for those who have suffered serious illness, injury, or crime.

Another Survivor,
March 25, 2014 9:33 AM

Re: I am sorry for your pain, but this is not adultery

Dear Rachel

may I respond to you directly. I am among those who used the term survivor. I did not choose this term lightly. Survival may indeed be at stake. The trauma described in the article and in many of the comments, including mine, throws its sufferers into severe depression, a state of acute, serious mental illness carrying substantial risks of suicide, Hashem forbid. Whoever pulls away a friend from this brink has saved a world.

Lea,
March 25, 2014 2:05 PM

Rachel, you are obviously not speaking from experience

As someone who has researched and written about sexual predators, a grown woman can also be a victim. Hopefully a grown woman is in a better position to defend herself but the idea is that predators prey on the weakest. (in this case she seems to have a good marriage but weak boundaries, that was Chava/Eve's problem, but that's another discussion). Also, we were not given the exact details of the elicit relationship in this article but it did get physical. That DOES make it an affair. An emotional affair is just as devastating, perhaps more so. We don't know much about you. I hope you're in a happy marriage and are simply oblivious to certain realities. I imagine you're well intentioned but from where I sit, you sound ignorant. May you never have to experience this first hand (either side!) to understand it.

(30)
Anonymous,
March 24, 2014 8:03 PM

The Courage to Change

I would first like to commend the author for publicizing this unfortunate, rampant disease that is breaking up many of our Jewish families. Families that we hold so dear, that we are willing to stay in loveless, abusive marriages where infidelity, and sexual addiction may reside. To Aish.com my deep & great appreciation goes out for the courage you display on your continued stand on portraying, rather than hiding, or worse, sensationalizing many horrors that countless Jewish souls are suffering with. I would love to write more words of Experience, Strength & Hope (the cornerstones of 12 Step programs that are thankfully in many of our communities) but am weary that i would reveal too much of who I am.

(29)
Anonymous,
March 24, 2014 7:42 PM

you were passive

The man who wrote this article sounds like a good guy yet as he points out he was passive in protecting his marriage and it makes me wonder if his wife ever felt neglected in some way. I am not condoing her behavior at all but he should have helped her protect herself from her yatzer hora by expressing more jealousy and possessiveness. I am wondering why her closeness to the other man was allowed to go on so long and why he seemed to accept it. She needed him to be more of a man no offense intended. All the best to the author and his wife and I hope it all works out.

(28)
Tziporah,
March 24, 2014 6:03 PM

Thank you

Thank you for sharing this incredibly difficult chapter in your life for other people to take heed and protect themselves - it's a tremendous chesed. I just want to point out something extremely important that you mentioned in the article - halacha. HaShem loves HIs creation and He gave the Jewish people the Torah as our guide to life - to protect us, to lead us in the right way and to give us the best possible life. The way we in sync ourselves with all these benefits is by keeping halalcha. When we are out of sync with halacha so many terrible things can happen, chas v'shalom. In addition to yichud it is so important for people to know that opposite gender friendships and/or socializing is totally forbidden by the Torah. In many communities (including my own) men and women do not socialize - this is not extremist behavior but rather a humble acknowledgement that we are humans and HaShem knows best despite that we might think we can handle our own boundaries. We can't handle our own boundaries which is why the Torah has told us where they should be. At the end of the day people have freewill and will make their choices but choosing to keep halacha is the best possible choice and gives one the best possible life. Wishing everyone only bracha!

(27)
Anonymous,
March 24, 2014 5:52 PM

Too lax indeed!

"We are too lax in socializing with members of the opposite sex and don’t appreciate the potentially dangerous temptation that lurks just beneath the surface."There should be NO "talking relationship" whatsoever between a married person and a member of the opposite gender. The orthodox community has forgotten this rule, and is paying for it. That is why the machmir orthodox jews do not even sit men and women at the same shabbat table. Also, I bet you if that wife in this case was wearing a hat or a short sheitel to cover her hair, instead of the ridiculously sexy ones used by majority of "orthodox" women today, that sick guy would have been much less likely to go after her. We are not fooling Hashem by "covering" with such wigs, but fooling ourselves by giving away the protection of kedusha that real covering provides.

Anonymous,
March 24, 2014 11:42 PM

Agree!

I agree 100% with that-friendships of married people should be same-gender only. That's one of the reasons I don't wear a long sheitel either-I don't want to anyone else interested in me

(26)
Matthew,
March 24, 2014 11:19 AM

It starts with wandering eyes

These affairs usually begin with the eyes going where they shouldn't be going either on the internet or the bus. I myself have been guilty in the past of both but did a tshuva since and my life is much better. However, I see that the problem still exists among some in our community, We must find a way to alert others in a tactful and preferably nonshaming manner that these behaviors are inappropriate in any community especially ours. An occasional look is human, but repeated unwanted stares and going to risque websites particularly in public places are UNACCEPTABLE, Just from the side of vahavta laracha comocha one (love your friend as yourself) once should not stare in an inappropriate manner at others of the opposite sex especially if either of you are married. It is an invasion of their privacy and kedushat Yisrael and these are things that belong only to the owner of them and Hashem.

(25)
S.w.,
March 24, 2014 9:26 AM

You are leaving out part of the story

As I read your article and pondered over it for a while, I felt something was not quite right with the "tale" that you presented. Of course you were hurt, but you present yourself as the innocent victim which you are not, and it is important that instead of behaving as the victim you take some responsibility in what was a disgrace not only between 4 people but also to your children. You speak about being religious and keeping tzniut and taharat hamishpocha but in reality it was as if you had a fancy security system for your house which you never bothered to use! How come it had to get so bad that your Rabbi, the person most people put up their best side In front of had to notice it? How come you disregarded the warning signs? You said you didn't have the time and energy basically to speak up....But it's your wife! All Israel is responsible for each other, don't you think it holds doubly true for your spouse. If you see someone about to drown do you say oh she is an adult she will figure out how to swim. A small effort from you may have prevented this tragedy . And between adults please understand that if you fall down a slippery slope like this ,you usually fall all the way to the bottom and not just halfway.

Matthew,
March 24, 2014 11:13 AM

Wow, aren't we judgmental

Dear S.w.

I do know if you are a man or a woman but I hope you never have to suffer through what this poor man is enduring. Is it always easy to blame the victim. It makes others feel more secure that there is rightness in their suffering. But this is exactly what we are warned not to do when we see other people suffering and is what Eyov's friends did to him "Who is the innocent person who is destroyed?" We do have a concept in Orthodox Judaism of the good suffering. It is not our place always to look for the guilt of the victim but rather to provide consolation and honest and HELPFUL advice.

S.w.,
March 24, 2014 12:12 PM

You are right

Yes I agree with what you say, I do feel for his ordeal and understand that a lot of suffering has resulted from it. But for himself and the people who read this article at. Any points in the story, ( not every person gets this chance)he had the choice and knowledge to possibly change the course, and this should not be left neglected. In short you don't ignore all the warning signs , if you do are you not part of the problem? He had a responsibility to speak up and say ok that is enough! We all do, wether it is infidelity, child abuse, stealing...you speak up when you see someone close to you is going In the wrong direction.

Anonymous,
March 24, 2014 12:18 PM

Sad

I read the article and the reactions, and it makes me so sad. The sense of pain, hurt and betrayal in these stories is overwhelming. I truly hope all you people find some solace and relief from your pain through your faith in Hashem.What kind of example are these people to their children? It's known that the children of divorcees are much more likely to divorce as well. It s so tragic.We need to educate our children to make better choices so that they can resist temptations and instead invest in strong marriages and families.

(24)
Anonymous,
March 24, 2014 7:21 AM

Infidelity

The same thing happened to me and my spouse and I got divorced. I swore that never again would I be good friends with another woman (she took away my husband). We were also best friends. However, the only difference here is that we didn't have a very good marriage and in retrospect, they both did me a favour, however, it doesn't take the hurt of betrayal. Today, (23 years later) I have a wonderful partner and we live very happily together. I have made peace with my ex and we see each other occasionally. I'm at peace now, but it took me years to get over the betrayal.

(23)
Elissa Grunwald, RLCSW,
March 24, 2014 6:46 AM

Truth is Objective. There Can be no peace in the home when the most serious of all circumstances is infidelity and Betrayal

There is an old saying that it takes two to tango. Unfortunately, we are living in a world where we are not "Sameyach B'Chelko", happy with out lot, and there is a serious rise in what we can call "Addictions of the sort that brought down entire civilizations". It is good to speak and you are not alone and the pain and these relationships are abusive and cause terrible crisis for the /serially betrayed partner. Adultery causes Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, extreme shame along with isolation and loss of self and focus. A Frum good therapist can help address some of the issues to move forward. Impulsive actions,addictions, alcohol or premeditated adultery including sexual addictions which are on the rise destroy the family system and boundaries and accountability and attitude towards the affair(s) need examination. There are too many broken homes already. What will effects their children long term? Trust? "If I am only for myself what am I?" What are they thinking when the best way to raise a family is to treat the spouse with Derech Eretz and to water the orchids in their own home and see how they may bloom! A saddened Marriage Counselor and yes outward appearances mean nothing! ,,

(22)
Anonymous,
March 24, 2014 5:51 AM

Perspective, please

Overall an excellent piece with excellent advice, but however traumatic a spouse's infidelity may be or may seem to be, it should never be taken as "akin to the loss of a child." A marriage can survive infidelity, albeit often at great cost and even more often at great struggle. A death, especially of a child, by definition, rules out survival. Those who remain alive may rebuild their own live but can never remake the one that was lost.

(21)
Anonymous,
March 24, 2014 4:42 AM

Thanks so much for sharing this...a brave thing to do!!

We recently finished conversion to Reform Judaism. There was a woman there (former president of the congregation) who became bolder and bolder and bolder towards my husband. She is married, tho' her husband rarely comes. She began coming up behind him while he was sitting on a chair and draping herself around his shoulders, etc. Even with me sitting right there. I told him, after awhile he HAD to get it stopped...I knew nothing I said would do it. The last time, he was in conversation with a very conservative gentleman...he turned to her and said to her, "Oh by the way, this is my wife, have you been introduced to HER??" The other gentleman showed with his face his approval of the action. OF COURSE, she had met me...but SHE FINALLY GOT IT!! We are no longer living in that location and I am glad for this reason. I do not think my husband would be unfaithful...but one can never know 100%...we have discussed at some point maybe going to a conservative or orthodox congregation...we would welcome the separation between men and women!! IT IS SAFER!!

(20)
Anonymous,
March 24, 2014 2:56 AM

Heartbroken

Thank you for sharing your story. May Hashem help you get over your pain. Having experienced my husband being unfaithful to me, I agree 100% that this is one of the most traumatic experiences one can ever go through. About 5 years ago I forgave my husband for his infidelity which he swore to me was never physical. I believed him and did everything in my power to save my marriage for the sake of my kids. I have recently discovered that he has been lieing and cheating on me for years. One cannot understand the depth of the pain unless you have gone through the same experience. Although this is one of the hardest things I have ever experienced I am grateful to Hashem for letting me see the truth. My children and I deserve better than him and because of this I have strengthened my emuna and realized that it's all for the best.

(19)
Anonymous,
March 24, 2014 2:33 AM

One more who can relate...

I wish we could all say we are sorry for your horrible story and that it is very unusual. I can say I am sorry, but unfortunately it is not unusual. I went through the same situation. And there is an added element to my story - my husband is a rabbi. There was absolutely nobody I could share my story with, for obvious reasons. If anyone opened their mouth, my husband's career would be over. My children would be mocked; I could not risk it at all. However, I have been trying to rebuild for almost 8 years now. It is VERY difficult. Every time he approaches me I think of the other woman. Every time he touches me, I think of the other woman he touched. Before we got married, I had said to my then fiancee that if this ever happened, I would change the lock of our house and leave his things outside - I said this was something I would never be able to forgive. But then, when you have children, things you thought you would do might not be possible as others are involved. I did not want my children knowing what their father had done, and I did not want them to grow up without their father in the house. I pray, daily, that our relationship can somehow be healed. It is NOT easy. Thank you for sharing with us. I think knowing that we are not alone is very helpful. May Hashem give you strength and may you (and everyone else who has had to deal with this terrible loss) be able to truly rebuild the relationship.

(18)
Anonymous,
March 24, 2014 12:03 AM

Thanks to the author and aish

How true the prediction and warning of the rabbi was.One of our psychological blind spot is the tendency to see small and insignificant things as harmless , not wanting to believe that it will one day grow out of control. It is very insidious. This article also raises the issue of what Tzniut really is. It is not some oppressive law based on prudishness, it is not a mere external "modesty" but much more to do with an inner sense of dignity. It also goes right back to the teachings of Genesis, about the dignity of one's soul and others, as a sacred gift from G-d. If we are truly conscious of this on a daily basis, one would not be able to degrade oneself or others by having an affair at any level, platonic or illicit. I feel the pain of the author , and hope that somehow the family will be able to heal. I also appreciate Aish for bringing up issues which are often not talked about in religious communities. I think that Orthodox Judaism has a lot to offer people in that it gives us the skills and wisdom to see things as they really are, to know how fallible as humans we are, and to guide us to live a dignified, meaningful life.

(17)
Another Survivor,
March 23, 2014 11:52 PM

The critical step is to get (or provide) help immediately

I was in a similar situation, sudden separation involving adultery, two young children in between. The Rabbi and friends at shul were incredibly supportive, calling and texting me and making sure I spent no Shabbos alone - the friendship equivalent of intensive care. Plus I obtained professional help on a daily basis. If you read this hand have been hit by something similar, go out immediately and seek help: therapists, rabbis, trusted friends, family. You will need every bit of support you can get. If your read this and a friend is in that situation, pursue them and do not let up. You might actually be their lifeline.

(16)
Anonymous,
March 23, 2014 11:40 PM

Keeping it your own painful secret

I have a question about this: "Confessing before getting caught is ideal, but if you are discovered, full disclosure is mandatory for optimal healing."

Wouldn't it be preferable to end the illicit relationship before getting caught, resolve never to do it again, and spare your spouse unnecessary pain by NOT confessing? If I were the one cheated on, I think I'd rather not know.

Anonymous,
March 24, 2014 12:19 PM

full disclosure

My husband cheated on me, and 26 years later we recovered from his affair and our children are grown with children of their own. Trust me, "full disclosure" is an absolute necessity---it stops the middle-of-the-night questions, lays to rest the explosion of distrust, reassures the betrayed spouse that the betrayer is being honest, forthcoming and re-committed to the marriage through truth. Full disclosure is a prerequisite for full healing.

(15)
Anonymous,
March 23, 2014 9:36 PM

Incredible pain

My husband never admitted to any wrong-doing, and we are divorced today. The emotional pain felt a lot like a hot coal being placed where my heart was. At the time, I called it the Silent Scream, since everything inside me - every muscle, every fiber, every blood cell was screaming "No!". I called it the Grand Canyon of Emptiness, as all joy was drained out of me during that time.It took a long time to heal, but I must restate that, although reconciliation is not possible, forgiving him was essential for my own peace of mind. It was also imperative so that I could move forward with my life.I wish the writer of this blog success in seeing his marriage repaired. I so hate divorce!

(14)
Tim,
March 23, 2014 8:26 PM

been there

I was married for five years. My wife and I were experiencing problems since shortly after our son was born. For about three years after his birth I had to endure an ever increasing amount of lack of affection, lack of intimacy, snide remarks and comments, coldness, and passive aggressive behavior. Despite all this I was sure to tell my wife every day that I loved her and attempted to show my love through general acts if affection such as hugging and kissing. These attempts were frequently rebuffed by my wife by physically pushing me away, rolling her eyes, and making facial expressions that clearly indicated disgust and contempt. I urged us to go to marriage councelling numerous times but always was met with excuses as to why she did not want to go. While all of this was going on, no one outside the marriage, that I was aware of, had a clue to what I was going through. In public my wife, who works in the Jewish community, wore an entirely different face and acted in a very friendly, easy going, warm hearted manner. At home behind closed doors she was the exact opposite. To make a long story short I began to suspect infidelity. Thus suspicion was due to hundreds of text messages between my wife and a coworker at her Jewish non-profit. I also saw emails between the two that my wife left open on our shared laptop computer. What made the situation worse was that my wife indicated in her emails to this man that her fellow co workers knew and were aware if her personal feelings of affection twoards this man.

(13)
Anonymous,
March 23, 2014 6:38 PM

Wow.

I have not been so affected by an article on aish.com in a long time. This is a powerful and moving story, told with heart and soul. It's frightening how even "the best" can fall into these traps. I wish you much strength and courage as you move forward. Thank you for writing this.

(12)
Anonymous,
March 23, 2014 6:38 PM

trauma, yes!

Thank you - what you have written is important for all couples to take to heart. I was a victim in your situation, doubly betrayed because I forgave my husband once, and then went through the same a second time. I believe your statement that forgiveness is "contingent on their admission of guilt, remorse, and taking steps to prevent it from happening again" should actually refer to reconciliation. Without those listed prerequisites, reconciliation is impossible. However, forgiveness is necessary and possible with or without the list. May you press forward toward complete healing, individually and as a family, trusting in God's love and help.

(11)
Anonymous,
March 23, 2014 6:32 PM

now i understand my rosh yeshiva....be careful not to have couples over and relax too much with them on shabbos....need i say further to all those out there having wonderful shabbosim together....maybe its just TOO TOGETHER

(10)
Rebecca,
March 23, 2014 6:22 PM

The old relationship is dead; rebuildingis a new relationship.

It is not like a death. It is a death, and the pain is immeasurable. Infidelity destroys the couple. Divorce destroys the family. There is a despair that life will ever seem normal again. Each person in this situation must take careful stock of whether a new relationship can be built. In my situation, I learned about the years-long infidelity 29 1/2 years into the marriage. There was no reconciliation because my then husband was intent upon being with the other woman. He cared nothing that it would destroy her family, her little boy. What was immediately obvious to me, he learned later. She stayed with her husband. At 49 I was single. But, with faith in HaShem, He picked me up, dusted me off, set my feet on a good path, and life is good fourteen years later. Nothing is better than life lived with truth, and trust. What ever choice a person makes in this situation, that person should not feel guilty.

(9)
Pnina,
March 23, 2014 5:54 PM

I understand...

My heart goes out to you. I hope you can heal your relationship. I went through a similar experience after 7 years of marriage. I had 2 small children and was expecting our third child. My husband was having an affair with one of his high school students. There were years of extreme pain, humiliation and sorrow. He was so enmeshed with his student that he married her once she was 18 and started over. The worst pain for me is the huge toll his neglect and abandonment took on our children. They have never fully recovered from their loss even though they are now in their 30s and 40s. Although I wish I felt forgiveness, he has never said he was sorry to any of us. When I have to see him at celebrations, I am unable and unwilling to even acknowledge their existence. I try to look ahead on a day-to-day basis instead of looking behind me, but the past still rears its ugly head during family gatherings. This man's actions have permanently scarred what was once a very close and loving family. Unfortunately, we are not unique in our stories. This heart-breaking journey happens every day to someone, somewhere. It's very sad.

(8)
Michael,
March 23, 2014 5:33 PM

hi. I wanted to know why it is not okay to divorce in case of infidelity ? is that not a good enough reason to end this meaningless relationship ? I never experienced such things but I'm pretty sure I will never be able to forgive her and I dont even know why I should do that ! In fact, I will probably do my best to destroy her like by letting know everyone what she done. Thank you.

(7)
Anonymous,
March 23, 2014 5:21 PM

God is definitly helping with the healing of such betrayal

whwn you put on the scale the good and the bad of the loved one,then yiu make the right decision.divorce is not a solution. i could have done that several times in my life,but the good toppled the insignificant betrayl. we are still here rogether despites all the hurt,here 55 years still together.good luck and may God show us the right path.

misha,
March 24, 2014 7:54 PM

Whoa?!? insignificant betrayal?!? NOT

Whoa?!?..adultry is "insignificant"...so much for Torah saying otherwise in your mind! sorry betrayal is hatred, greed and the ultimate disrespect. Infidleity in short is the renunciation of the marriage. If one is foolish/naive and/or weak enough to want to endure such a gimmich relationship then that is their decision. almost EVERYONE who does evil deep down would like to get away with it. Rewarding the abuser with love and respect only encourages the adultrer to do it again (aka why not, he/she had fun and kept their life?) , those watching the tragedy (aka children) to maybe not take it too seriously. In short, the betrayal is NEVER insignificant...rather the MARRIAGE in principle is meaningless if one can give its most precious treasures/priviledges to one that has NOT earned and/or deserves them by taking those away from someone who has. Divorce is an option to such a hateful and greedy scorn of a spouse's worth. Maybe it wasn't for you for whatever reason (maybe you have low standards and/or dignity?) but for so many getting robbed and cheated for promising to love someone for the rest of their life cannot be rationalized away so easily. Its better to cut the losses and go on. First to start the healing, maybe encourage teshuvah in the betrayer, and to NOT teach your children by example that it's NOT that big a deal if it happens...aka..you can have your "cake and eat it too..".

(6)
Anonymous,
March 23, 2014 5:19 PM

married people

It is beyond my understanding why/ how married persons fall into this trap all the time. Ask yourselves these questions married people;1. why do I need to spend time with a man/woman that is not my spouse.2. Why am I making myself emotionally available (and you know what this is married folks), to man/woman not my spouse.3. Why do I think it is ok to begin to have secret "signals" (and you know what these are married folks), with man/woman not my spouse.4. It has to begin somewhere (you know the moment it started married folks), why did you not stop.The scripture tells us we are tempted when drawn away by our own lusts. There is no excuse for this behavior. Accept this. It is no way your spouse's fault. This is all selfish you. Do not expect things to be the same even with forgiveness. It cannot be the same. There will have to be a new normal.May the Lord help us in our selfishness.

(5)
Anonymous,
March 23, 2014 5:07 PM

I commend you on your courage to share and to work on your marriage. May you be blessed with revealed good.

(4)
Anonymous,
March 23, 2014 4:48 PM

response from someone who has counseled cheaters

over the years i have counseled people who have cheated on their spouses and have found it to be a sickness, and often an addiction. in once case a married man was having an affair with a married woman whose husband was mafia related. the man knew that if he was caught he would have been killed, but it didn't register with him at all, he just wanted to keep this side relationship going. when i tried to warn him of being killed, he shrugged it off. while this is an extreme case, i have found all of the cases to be addictive and have recommended therapy and/ or psychiatry to them. these stories should be warning signs to all married couples to strengthen their relationships and sensitivity to the relevant Jewish laws associated with mingling with members of the opposite gender.

rebecca,
March 23, 2014 8:20 PM

addiction? no, poor character? yes

I am tired of hearing people pathologize and label these kinds of behaviors with DSM V diagnoses. Adultery is not a "disease" that will benefit from psychiatric drugs. It is a symptom of selfishness, narcissism and poor character!

Anonymous,
March 24, 2014 2:39 PM

Agree 100%

Even though there is a small percentage of those with sex addiction, infidelity is an entirely narcissistic behavior. Rules of Torah and marriage do not apply to them. They never take responsibility for their actions in fact a lot of times the poor spouse is blamed.

(3)
rene,
March 23, 2014 4:36 PM

trans.to spanish,for aishlatino

EXCELLENT ARTICLE,,,THANK YOU FOR WRITING IT AND SHARING IT.,to aish staff,,(PLEASE TRANSLATE INTO SPANISH AND SHOW IT ON AISHLATINO)

(2)
A WOMAN WHO HAS BEEN THERE ,
March 23, 2014 1:52 PM

Understanding

It can take years to recover but it is possible. I myself, feel into this trap around 7 years into my marriage. He was a previous beau to make things worse, so he was known to me. I stopped it before anything went any further that night and trust me we were on the brink of no going back but it was my thought of my spouse that ultimately made me stop. The next day I immediately told my spouse. It was horrible and the hardest thing ever He like you was devastated. It was one of the first times I ever saw him cry. It was then I think I realized the depth of the pain I done. I considered killing myself but decided I couldn't for the sake of our young children. It took a long time probably a good 5 years before he let the little comments stop or the reminding topic brought up in fights. I will forever be ashamed of myself for hurting him that way. We were young and had issues but I took all the anger and let him say what he had to. Fast forward we will be celebrating 20 years this year. I love this man with all my heart and even though we do still bicker he is my best friend and confidant. I have NEVER cheated again and believe we have come out on the other side of this storm. So long story short, I guess what I am getting at is it can be done. It does take time sometimes years, but with love and patience and continued commitment the sun will shine again. Hugs to you and your family. I'll pray you'll get through to see the sun soon!

(1)
Anonymous,
March 23, 2014 12:51 PM

thank you: a cautionary tale that every couple should read!

Thank you for sharing your story. I feel your pain. Serial infidelity by my fiancee wrecked our relationship. At the end of my then destroyed relationship, I lowered myself to such depravity by starting a relationship with a woman whose marriage had also been destroyed by the infidelity of her husband. I am deeply ashamed of this, and the guilt of this sin still haunts many years later. I have since cut all ties with such rottenness, and have tried to help people avoid such mistakes.Recently, a family friend left his wife of some 25 years for a work colleague who is half his age (and only 8 years older than this son) and has cheated on her own husband multiple times. My friend's wife is a a devout and kind woman. I am praying that he will come to his senses, return to his wife and start a healing process.The suggestions you make are really helpful, and indeed, it is very important to respect boundaries. I admire your Rabbi for having spoken out against this so early on. I truly wish I had had someone to warn and advise me like that. I truly hope that your marriage will be restored, if only for your children's sake. Divorce is not the solution. Baruch Hashem, I think you still have a realistic chance to save this marriage.

Anonymous,
March 23, 2014 5:17 PM

I COULDN'NT SAVE MY 48 YEAR OLD MARRIAGE

I STARTED DATING MY EX-HUSBAND AT THE AGE OF 16, MARRIED AT THE AGE OF 19 AND SEPARATED AT THE AGE OF 67.A WHOLE LIFE TOGETHER. IN ON PASSOVER 2002, I GOT A CALL FROM A WOMAN TELLING ME IT WAS URGENT TO TALK TO MY HUSBAND. I ASKED HER WHY AND SHE TOLD ME HE HADN'T BEEN SENDING HER MONEY AND THEY HAD TWO CHILDREN, BY THEN AGES 14 AND 16. THE CHUTZPAH IS HE GAVE THEM HIS LAST NAME AND EVEN NAMED THE FIRST SON WITH HIS FATHER'S NAME. I HAD MY MOTHER LIVING WITH ME AT THAT TIME. MY FOUR CHILDREN WERE MARRIED AND I HAD 9 GRANDCHILDREN. SO I DECIDED TO STICK TO THE MARRIAGE. BUT HE KEPT ON LYING AND THAT I COULDN'T TAKE ANYMORE, SO I DECIDED TO SEPARATE AND STILL TRIED TO GO FOR COUNSELING TO SEE IF I COULD SAVE MY MARRIAGE. HE SAID HE DIDN'T NEED HELP, SO I WENT BY MYSELF. HE DIED LAST YEAR AFTER MARRYING ANOTHER WOMAN 22 YEARS YOUNGER THAN HIM. FOR HIS FUNERAL IT WAS AN ORDEAL WITH MY CHILDREN BECAUSE THE WIFE WANTED TO BURY HIM. FOR MY CHILDREN IT WAS IMPORTANT TO BURY HIM IN THE JEWISH CEMETERY. I HOPE HASHEM FORGAVE HIM FOR ALL HIS SINS. I DID,BUT THIS WHOLE ORDEAL TOOK AWAY A TOLL ON MY HEALTH. I FEEL BLESSED THAT I GO TO CHABAD WHERE I PRAY AND FIND THE COMFORT I NEED.

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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