Written beyond the journey of life and love. In the time where i discover if fashion inspires me and the fifties and mid-centuries always haunting me,

Fifties

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

UPDATE : All are Gone in I left Behind

I want to tell you about my self. I don't really like or easy to tell every friends/ family about my condition. But lately I got a lot of hardship, and I can't handle all of them in these two years...
Yes, I am depressed... mostly in 2012 and 2013.
I have a lot of school friends, play friends etc... I also have some foreign friends that really awesome in God...

since 2007 I started hang out with those whites ( there are a bunch of them, and mostly i forgot their name), but my english still really totaly bad, so I couldn't talk with them. I got 2 very great sisters at that time Tiff and Abbie. also very wonderful brothers Peco, Mas Yo and Mas Aswan (Yo and Aswan are Indonesian). But because of work, Tiff and Peco leaved. And I started to doesn't have anyone to talk (except my own brother).

After that in 2009 I got the German Melanie as my new sister, I always played at her house, we always hang out together. I also had SI's Christine and Leah, they are great too. but Melanie leaved to another island for working too. and last year Christine and Leah back home to the States too.
In 2010, I got Kathryn and Amber. And they are really like sisters for me, they knew my stories, they knew everything, they knew about my love story too, and Amber leaved last year, back to the States (in the hardest months in my life, because of the US College and SAT) but Kathryn still here.

I also got Val and American Melanie too. They are super, Val was super crazy and funny. Melanie i really like her, she was the only one who know about my real love story first, she's the only place that i can't talk about The Guy in My Heart (He still the same guy that i like since last year, never change and just call him TGIMH) but Val went back to States last year, and Melanie left to another island last week. It is really hard for me!! Also I got SI's Kari as my great sisters too. But she will leave this town soon! also with my German sister Dun Ja, Next week she will fly to live in another island! And Kathryn will leave soon too!!

My "brothers" Jonathan and Seth also will leave soon, you know Jo is my neighbor he was always help me, and he will leave too! And most my adult friends who was always teach me, guide me, and give me advises also bring me back to God, will leave me soon! You know what Im feeling? it's like im drowning, I feel they left me behind!! TGIMH also will leave! so it's like, everyone who always makes me happy will leave me to another place. My own brother will back to his school, and I should go to Jakarta (I don't like this, but my life forced it) and leave my friends and family here, it's means include Abbie.

I WILL BE TOTALLY ALONE

I want to live in a place that I want, and with people that I like and love!This year so hard for me Because I just gave up my dream to go to Calvin, because I don't have so much money. I forced to go to Jakarta (but that's ok..only 3 yrs for bachelor, im lucky right! after that, I can fly to UK) and there are some problem in home too.. also my relationship with TGIMH getting different, and he is changes.. But that's OK, he still a great guy. And about school, I hate senior year, it's really tiring and boring, I can't prepare well for National Exam, because my brain just like stop working!

I just don't know what I should do right now. My life always suck! everyone always left me behind! I always alone again. I still can have fun with my same age friends, but these mature friends can really help me mentally, but they always left me. and in fact I WILL LEAVE Abbie.. she's like my half soul.. she just like my own sister. And I will LEAVE my family and my dog, and my best friends at school, to live in another place ALONE. I just want to stab myself, I am totally tired with this life. I was have someone on my side, but now... I don't really have anyone again! That's why i feel alone again.

Everytime I remember if soon I will be alone again, (and will not stay near him for i don't know until when) I remember this verse from Tay Swift
"Come on, come on, don't leave me like thisI thought I had you figured outCan't breathe whenever you're goneCan't turn back now Im haunted".. ya.. tottaly, I can't turn back, ..I am HAUNTED and can't BREATH,XOXOXOCinta CarnelianShould I believe in this ? Matthew 6:24 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Yes LORD I will try to believe that!