Frank commentary from a retired call girl

Links #166

If you wake at night and see her, her clothes be blowing back, even in a room where there is no wind. And you know she’s marked you for killing. – Anonymous Miami child, describing the she-demon called “Bloody Mary”

Just in case you’ve ever wondered who provided links that aren’t credited (and I’m sure at least a few of my more academically-inclined readers may have): either they’re ones I found myself while doing my regular scans for material, or else I received them directly from their authors (whose names appear on said articles, natch). Top honors this week go to Aspasia, who contributed not only the links above the first video, but also tomorrow’s guest column. The first video was provided by my husband, and the links below it by Cthulhuchick (“headline”), Lucy Steigerwald (“Dyatlov Pass”), Popehat (“welcome”), Jillian Keenan (“Hamlet”), Jasper Gregory (“nutritionists”), Cliterati (“boobies”), Thaddeus Russell (“government”), Cop Block (“hijab”), and Jolene Parton (“mythology”). And if you don’t know who Harrison Bergeron is, this will help.

The original of this, so the myth goes, was a disgusted lady listener to the BBC’s Home Service sometime before WW2, who overheard the phrase:

“tits like melons”

and fired off an angry missive to the then Director General, Lord Reith, a man of unimpeachable Scottish Presbyterian probity. His Lordship researched the offending phrase, and replied to the outraged listener in the following terms:

“Madam,
I have consulted with the producers of “Naturewatch”, and they confirm that indeed tits do like melons; all species of tits, blue, great and long-tailed enjoy such fruits and others including…”

Alas, a Google search has failed to confirm this :-(

All this can be traced back even further. Dr Johnston had to apologise for his lack of knowledge about the horse’s fetlock as “Ignorance, pure ignorance”, but he did respond to a literary lady, who expressing her approbation of his Dictionary, in particular, at his his not admitting into it of any improper words, replied: “No, Madam, I hope I have not daubed my fingers. I find, however, that you have been looking for them.”

Finland who’s been sitting in a corner quietly notices Russia is distracted going through the unconscious Poland’s pockets, and quickly sneaks up behind them and smashes a vodka bottle over their head.
Russia gets up, shakes their head, grabs Finland by one arm and tosses them against the wall, knocking them completely out.

I call bouncer bullshit.
Russia started it.
And damned near got its arm torn off for its trouble.

And if it was vaguely realistic you’d have a punchdrunk Russia eventually beating Germany to a bloody pulp while Britain, the US etc bite and scratch at its bum.

I got top honors? Wow. Radley must be on vacation this week! The myths circulated among the homeless children is both fascinating and depressing. I can only imagine how the mythology will deepen as the economic climate worsens and more children end up in those shelters.

A police source painted a wholly different picture, reports the New York Daily News. “The officers told the kids to leave (the park) when they began acting disorderly,” said the source, who added that the police were escorting the teens out of the park when Harris grabbed one of the girls away from the cops.

I gotta go with the Cops on this one because, my experience in telling people to leave a bar is about the same. Man, it just doesn’t matter how nice you are to them – they do not go quietly – they gotta make a scene (always). In fact, I had so much shit go down at the bar last night we closed the place early. I need to check to see if it was a full moon or something. I dunno – it got really dicey when we had to kick out a SPECWAR guy on leave who was scaring some girls and threatened this skinny guy wearing a cowboy hat. Fuck me.

But the funniest fights are between girls. Guys prelude a fight with loud yells and insults like “Come on MuthaFucker! Imma FUCK you up!” … you really never know what they are fighting about (other than it’s prolly a girl). Girls though – they prelude fights with a whole verbal scene and very often some niceties exchanged between the “soon-to-be” combatants. Then you hear the … “HEY BITCH … YOU FUCKIN’ WHORE … YOU SLEPT WITH MY BEST FRIEND’S BOYFRIEND AND NOW YOU COME IN HERE – IN THE BAR I ALWAYS GODDAM COME TO – AND SWING YOUR SLUTTY ASS AROUND MY GUY?! OH NO YOU’RE NOT!!!”

And then the hair-pulling and scratching and slapping begins. And it looks creepy – because girls heads bob around so fast when they’re fighting that their hair gives the illusion that it’s on fire – like two girls with flaming heads going at each other. Somewhere in the blows … they keep hurling insults like … “BITCH THAT’S MY HAIR!” or “FUCKIN’ WHORE YOU!!”

That’s when I have to go over into the mess and pull them apart … but my policy is to NOT do that until the tops come off! LOL

Which, by the way – you think I’m joking about the tops? Nope – girl fights will go “all out” for about 30 seconds and then both of them want to end the fight in the most humiliating way for the other girl. That’s when they’ll start going for ripping her top off – and using the other girl’s bra strap as a “handle” to swing her around with. The object of course, is to strip her naked from the waste up so she has to run out of the bar – preferably in tears while everyone in the bars lears and laughs.

Women ARE – the most dangerous of the species. They show ZERO mercy and you’ll never see two girls go … “Huh, huh … yuk, yuk, that was a great fight man you broke my nose!” like you will sometimes see two guys do after a big fight. Hell, I’ve seen two guys hugging saying … “I LOVE YOU MAN!” right after they’ve almost killed each other.

But NEVER will you see that with two girls!!

It’s a good damn thing women are packaged in a body that has a vagina hanging on it – otherwise – I’d have nothing to do with you witches!!

Too late for an entry to TW3 or Links; Saturday was the Last Night of the Proms 2013. The first half of the concert is formal, traditional; the second half is anything but. All the usual suspects, with the delightful Marin Alsop trying, mostly successfully, to keep order: just enjoy (from about 28:00) Nigel Kennedy sparring with her and with the orchestra:

Maggie on Twitter

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