Welcome to the lost and found, final resting place of all my mental detritus...

Thursday, 10 July 2014

Blank

Um? I said I'd post some nail stuff. And I said I'd post some mental health stuff. Well I posted the nail stuff.

But I say a lot of stuff.

I said I'd get my essay in on time. That ain't happening. Nothing ever changes does it?

I did email my tutor telling her I won't have anything to submit by tomorrow. If I'm lucky I might get an extension. If in very lucky I might use it. That's new. I don't admit defeat. And I don't ask for help. Denial all the one. And it took a lot to send one pathetic little two sentence email.

And it's not enough. All that keeps spinning through my head is 'I'm not supposed to be like this anymore'.

Which is of course a ridiculous thought. As most thoughts containing words like 'supposed to' are. I should do this I shouldn't do that I'm supposed to be better.

And the really upsetting thing? Iam. This is better. This is pretty much as well as I've ever been (well enough that I'm not an 'effective use of resources' for the youth team certainly). And it's not enough. If this is as good as it gets I'm not sure why I bothered fighting so hard for it.

And of course in being self indulgent and self pitying and generally just a bit stupid. Sorry.

I don't know what this post is supposed to be about? It's more a diary entry than a blog. But it's midnight and I'm anxious and tearful and totally failing to sleep and I need someone to know how that feels.

Cos right now I feel like a f*** up and a failure and a waste of space and I don't know how to make it better.

Tomorrow it will be better. Sleep and sunlight. Rah.i need to get it together. Xx

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About Me

Hey im Katie. i work as a carer, looking after people in their own homes and i love it a lot. The rest of the time, i ring bells, help at a guide group, study science with the OU, play with beads,paint my nails, ring more bells, occasionally play darts but more often drink and cheer, blog and generally stay as wildly busy as possible. The wildly busy is a protection from the head-crap that comes with depression and other such fun things....something that im passionate about raising awareness and fighting stigma for.

What's in the lost and found

A bizarre and unordered collection of mush from my brain. The lost and found of Katie's (not always fully functioning mind). If you know what to expect you're a step ahead of me but i expect it'll include: nails (my current obsession and distraction), depression anxiety and mental health awareness, bellringing, links to people more erudite than me, the wonderful world of care for the elderly, girl guiding, self-harm, self-help (and probably some self-mockery also), rants, moans, celebrations........and pretty much anything else i feel the need to share.