Acutely aware of the current criticism from the media and rugby public towards all things emanating from Twickenham, the RFU have moved swiftly to condemn the pathetic and embarrassing actions of the English and Northampton winger.

An emergency committee have declared that Chris Ashton acted in the manner of ‘a spoilt nine year old princess who is unable to play either nicely or fairly’.

The RFU has promised to launch a full investigation and to act decisively to ensure no other rugby player ever feels able to degrade the sport in such a way again.