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Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Will she?

Will she always be this way?
Will she always roll her eyes at me when I say something she doesn't want to hear?
Will she sigh theatrically at every serious word I say?
Will she not meet my eye when she is grown?
Will she still sob quietly behind the couch where she she thinks I cant hear her?
Will she still sob loudly behind the couch so I can?
Will she always slam a door, a drawer anything - to make her point?
Will she still sulk?
Will she still whine?
Will she?
Will she be like this at 13?
Will she be the same at 16?
Will she alway react to me this way?

Will she understand why I am consistently firm?
Will she run wild?
Will she rebel?
Will she confide in me?
Will she want to?

It's the conundrum of parenthood..It seems delightfully far away when they are tiny and small, snug in the safety of your arms...

But far to soon you are going head to head with your beautiful daughter.. Again and again..

And I worry...Will she hate me for this? Will this look she gives me - will it mean much more in years to come? She moves on each time..But I am left wondering what she hasd tucked away from each experience? Hurt? Anger? Resentment..Or maybe respect?? I can only hope..

Every argument, gentle discussion, rasied voice and subsequent consequence feels like a hurdle we are both jumping as we hurtle closer toward the teenage years..And I fear the teenage years..Always have..Perhaps I am overthinking this and allowing my own fears to cloud each situation with her?

I love her and want desperately to guide her into becoming a good adult..But it's not always a mapped out journey..And at times it's pretty darned full of potholes... But I am honest with her too..Expressing my fears and thoughts at her expressions and over reactions..Asking if she realises how her behaviour affects me and others?

Don't get me wrong though..She is otherwise a delightful and quirky child..Loving, cheeky and responsible..And although I fear it - I continue to dish out the same firm line..Not acceptable...

Whether or not her response is appropriate remains undetermined each time....And each time I am left wondering the same question...Which is at the heart of the matter really..

Will she?
Will she still love me?

xx

Note: Please if you are reading this - I am not sobbing hopelessly into my pillow...I am fine..We didn't even have a rough day.. This was just me pondering over our dinner preparations about my feelings about it..And I just wanted to get it down..

12 comments:

THIS is the time I am soooo thankful I had boys!!!! It just didn't happen....I hate to say it & it sounds sexist....but they are sooo different...I DO remember doing all this stuff to my own mother, though - don't you? And don't you still love her [& sometimes, even now, rolls your eyes at her?]...I know I do!

Our girl is 17 and we had a rough time, similar to what you have described, around the age of 10 and I must say she is a different girl now. So far (fingers crossed) the teenage years have been plain sailing. My boy has been the opposite, an absolute dream child - until he turned 15! Lol!

Oh Celeste...I ponder the same thing day in day out, regardless if it has been a good or bad one. It was actually refreshing to hear you say all of this re a girl. My 10yo boy is EXACTLY the same so I am always thinking and worrying. I actually had a similar discussion today with a girlfriend and said I fear a sulky teenager who will disconnect but I think back to me as a teenager and I was none of that, so I hope he wont be either (or any of them for that matter). I hear you loud and clear.....lol.

Oh dear, I have gotten my 2 girls into their 20's but it wasn't easy... there were times when I really thought they HATED me.. my eldest hated me for putting her into the high school of my hubby and mine choice, but later on she did say it was a good school.. not very loudly, but she did say it.. hang in there, keep loving her, pick your battles, don't compromise your standards after all she is the child, you will do fine.. she has the hormones beginning to race, and that is not easy.. I can so relate to what you have just typed in this post.. Daughters do grow up to become your dear friend...

These posts scare the hell outta me!!! I really don't want to think about all this until my girls reach this age. However good to know and thank you so much for sharing your life with us. You are an amazing mother and friend xD