Celebrity Apprentice: Silent applause.

I would like to personally thank the editors of this show for avoiding the easy Def Leppard/Deaf Marlee joke. (NBC)

I’m not going to waste any more time, because I’m sure you’ve been waiting on the iEdge of your e-Seat, so let me just come right out and assuage your fears: Geoffrey Holder pulled through.

Whew. Deep breathes, everyone. I know it looked dicey there for a second.

If you recall from last week’s episode, we are in the throes of a multifaceted challenge for 7-Up Retro (with real sugar!). When we last left our heroes, Marlee’s commercial was in jeopardy and John’s launch party performers were being difficult.

It’s all resolved rather quickly and thus all tension is eliminated from the rest of the episode. As previously mentioned, Geoffrey Holder shows up for Marlee’s commercial and John Rich is able to negotiate with Def Leppard about the very thorny kickdrum issue.

Marlee’s launch party with the Harlem Globetrotters is a huge success. She manages to welcome Donald and the execs to the event, give a very moving presentation and put on an all-around entertaining event. (Who doesn’t love watching the Harlem Globetrotters spin basketballs on their index fingers?) Her Meat Loaf-helmed commercial, on the other hand, is a complete mess. A total, incoherent, DAD YOU’RE EMBARRASSING ME mess. Meat Loaf should stop trying to direct commercials. In fact, Meat Loaf, you look tired. Maybe it’s time to hang up your glittery jackets and take a nap.

Meanwhile, John Rich’s commercial is actually pretty good. And not just in that way these celebrity-made things are usually good, like an elementary school production of Joseph and the Technical Colored Dreamcoat, but actually good. Shockingly good, even. His event? Not so good. They fail to greet Donald and the execs. John Rich introduces the band twenty minutes early, and let me just tell you, Def Leppard is very busy and you cannot just expect Def Leppard to drop everything and show up to their scheduled, televised, charity event twenty minutes early. So, John Rich comes back out in his sparklypants, strums some songs on his geetar and fills the time. It was a bit of a mess, but he handled the chaos pretty well. Then out comes aged, puffy Def Leppard to sing Pour Some Sugar On Me for probably the one-billionth time in their lives. It was kind of sad, actually. Can someone next season play for a charity that supports Def Leppard? I think they need it.

The rest of the show was some sort of ridiculous live reunion where we learn nothing of any real importance or value. David Cassidy is smug about Richard Hatch being in prison again. NeNe (and everyone else on Earth, pretty much) still hates Star Jones. No one spoke to Hope. Omaha Steaks is somehow selling Gary’s meat-kite. Interpreter Jeffrey is getting recognized in “supermarkets, of all places” (of all places for a celebrity to be recognized!). Also, the Trump brood is expanding at a very alarming rate.

Marlee and John are marched out and there are Idol Gives Back-esque montages about their charities. Then they … *bites fist* … start to perform … *fans self* … a song called “For the Kids” … *bites lip* … with a chorus of signers from the New York School for the Deaf. (It was a lot like this). And when they finished, everyone in the audience used the ASL sign for silent applause and it was all so very nice and earnest and sincere and that is absolutely all I’m going to say about it.

Then, finally, with roughly 15 seconds left in this final two hours of what has been presumably a million-hour-long season, the Donald says he’s going to do something a little different tonight. (Still unclear what he meant about that? Is it because he didn’t fire someone?)

And then he announces John Rich as the winner.

Confetti drops. Hugging commences. Cut to promo for The Playboy Club.

Celebrity Apprentice aired for two (or more!) excruciating hours Sundays at 8 p.m. on NBC., but I will never, ever watch it ever again. Ever.