It’s hard to be a women. Not in a have-to-do-your-hair-every-day, wearing high heels, PMS kind of way; I’m talking about the things that women know and understand about being a women that men could never even dream of, things we do to keep ourselves safe from would be muggers or rapists, things that we learn from an early age to do. You look both ways to cross the street? We count the men on the street in case we get attacked.

I am always aware of what I’m wearing, and how that can be seen by strangers.

If I’m ever put into the trunk of a car, I know to try to pop out the tail light and wave my arm out – then someone will hopefully see it and call the police, while the driver will never know. In fact, I just bought a car that includes a release handle in the trunk for this very reason.

I always have my keys ready when walking to my car – I don’t want to waste time trying to get in if someone comes after me.

If a mugger comes up to me, I throw my wallet/purse, because if that’s all he wants, he’ll go after it and leave me alone.

If someone is firing a gun at me, I know that running in a straight line is the worst thing you can do – zig and zag, because the chances of them accurately hitting you are slim.

I took Miss Congeniality seriously – Sternum, Instep, Nose, Groin. And I will always go for the Groin.

I will never park next to a large or windowless vehicle. I would rather walk further in a parking lot than take a chance.

Strangers walking up to me for any reason makes me nervous. If I’m alone, I will blow them off as quickly as possible, and make sure that they never get within arm’s reach.

I watch shows like Criminal Minds not only because I enjoy them, but because they give me ideas on how creepy people will come up to me, and I can think of ways to avoid them.

This is by no means a full list, and it doesn’t mean that women who don’t do these things deserve something to happen to them; I just hope it opens some eyes and possibly prevents someone from putting themselves in a situation without knowing how to get out.

I also hope that it clues men in a bit – walking up to women in the parking lot is scary for them, even if it isn’t for you. Keep in mind how the things you say and do will be seen by a woman who doesn’t know you.

Today I was handed a 1937 copy of Emily Post’s Etiquette. For safekeeping, supposedly, but I would put good money on me reading this sucker cover to cover before it leaves my hands. I mean, look how beautiful!

I’m Emily Post, and I’m here to tell you about how you lack couth.

Here are some wonderful lessons from the immortal Emily Post:

On the ‘Question of Payment’ from the Modern Man and Girl:

In this modern day, when women are competing with men in politics, in business, and in every profession, it is really senseless to cling to that one obsolete convention – no matter what the circumstances – that the man must buy the tickets, pay the check, pay the taxi, or else be branded a gigolo or a parasite.

That was from 1937, y’all. Emily Post knew what was up.

From ‘In Spite of Illiteracy’ in Phrases and Pronunciation:

People who say “I come,” and “I seen it,” and “I done it” prove by their lack of grammar that they have little education. But they may at the same time be exceptional characters, respected by everyone who knows them, because they are what they seem and nothing else.

And also:

The offense of pretentiousness is committed oftener perhaps by women than by men, who are usually more natural and direct.

Finally, from ‘Quietness at the Table’ in the Table Manners chapter:

Older children should not be allowed to jerk out their chairs, to flop down sideways, to flick their napkins by one corner, to reach our for something, or begin to eat candy, fruit or other table decorations.

Emily Post knows where it is at. I wish she could raise my hypothetical children, because they would be adorable and well-behaved by the time I got to them.

While on a business trip to Columbus, OH (oh, how the excitement builds in my life), my boss and I decided that, after our complimentary drinks at the hotel bar, it would be a good idea to get dessert.

Enter The Cheesecake Factory, which we had heard about from another coworker and had to find via GPS.

And as soon as we sit down, I notice this.

Sauron will judge you as you eat cheesecake.

I’m not sure what the decorator thought this was, but it is most definitely the eye of Sauron. And he is not happy with your choice of cheesecake.

I finished it anyway, just to spite him. But it was an uncomfortable dessert outing, nonetheless.

Actually, it was a Pontiac, but I couldn’t resist quoting da Jimmer, from Escanaba in da Moonlight.

But seriously, I’m in the awful situation of realizing that I need to replace more than just parts in my car. I mean, it’s an almost 10 year old Aztec that my mom gave me when I graduated from college, so she’s lived a pretty good life.

On the other hand, college wasn’t that far away, and I’ve got the $20,000 in debt to prove it.

As much as I hate to put my entire bank account into another car, though, it’s getting to the point where it is frightening to drive. I could ignore the poor gas mileage, the bang from under the car whenever I turned my wheel too sharply, and the loud dragging noise from the back, but now the noises are louder than my radio and it’s difficult to go over 60 (making my morning commute more difficult, to say the least).

So today, tomorrow, this weekend at the latest, I will be poor. But, I will have a new used car that will hopefully get better gas mileage and not require a lot of expensive work right away.