Make A Decision You'll Feel Great About

You finally broke things off and now you can’t stop noticing that nagging feeling that something doesn’t feel right. You wonder if you made the biggest mistake of your life, and you’re even contemplating if you should get back together. But should you? You spent weeks, maybe month agonizing over this decision, and it seemed like such a good idea at the time. Here are 3 tried-and-true actions you can take right now to get clarity on whether you did the right thing, and feel great in the process:

If you are feeling empty and lonely without him, chances are you felt a little empty and lonely when you were with him. Maybe that’s even why you decided to break things off. The only way you are going to figure out whether he’s right for you is to fill yourself up first and then reevaluate. To jump start that, call up a few friends right now and invite them to do something new that will get your adrenaline pumping and create a state of fullness and balance. A thrilling activity is perfect for this: Skydiving, hang gliding, a spontaneous trip to Rio, a night out on the town wearing crazy costumes, crashing a party, an unplanned road trip. It will also remind you how much fun you can have with each other without your former honey. Try it. How do you feel now?

2. Get in touch with your dreams and start creating a future without him that inspires you right now.

Do you feel depressed and scared when you think about your future, and he’s not in it? Go get a stack of magazines, a pair of scissors, a glue stick and a big piece of poster board. Flip through the magazines and cut out the pictures that inspire you and remind you of your biggest dreams for the future – your career, your house, that vacation you’ve always wanted to take, that secret thing you’ve always wanted to do. Make a collage and put it up somewhere that you’ll look at it every day. No, I’m not advocating that things will magically happen like they do in “The Secret.” I’m simply suggesting that you remind yourself daily about what’s important to you so that you’ll focus on that instead of what you think is missing. Next, pick three of those dreams and enlist a friend to be your accountability partner in realizing them. Every day, choose one action to do that gets you a little closer to each dream, and email or text your friend to confirm that you did that thing. You’ll feel a huge surge in motivation and excitement for the future the minute you take the very first action. Once you get in touch with that you’ll know more about whether the future is really supposed to include him.

3. Remind yourself how much of a catch you are by putting on your hottest outfit every time you leave the house and smiling at everyone you see.

One of the most common reasons we regret breaking up with our man is that we worry that we lost the best thing that will ever happen to us, and that we’ll never find someone as good as he was, even though he wasn’t good enough for us to want to stay with him. Trust me on this one – it’s never true. What you need to do is remind yourself of what a fabulous catch you are, and how many endless possibilities are out there. Find your favorite outfit, starting with your most beautiful lingerie, and put it on. Take a luxurious bath instead of your normal quick shower. Do your hair the way you’d do it for a New Year’s Eve party and enjoy your ‘do for a few days. Do your nails. If you have the time and money, go get a massage. Get into the habit of feeling gorgeous every time you leave the house. When you are out, smile flirtatiously with everyone you see. Everyone! Enjoy exchanging this energy with them – it doesn’t have to mean anything. Feel how attractive you are. And know that when you’re ready, the perfect man is around the corner. If you really get that, do you still want him back?

Are you wondering if you could be in an emotionally abusive relationship? Watch my interview with Sharon Bailey, who has ten years of coaching experience working with emotionally abused women on YouArePowerfulNow.com. In the video, Sharon explains what kind of women find themselves in emotionally abusive relationships. Spoiler: It’s not what you think!

1. Why did you get into your relationship?
2. Why did you choose this partner?
3. What state were you in when you did it?

These questions are massively important, and this subject is something few people ever take the time to look at when making a decision whether or not to break up with their partner. Let’s break it down.

Why did you get into your relationship?

Do any of the following scenarios match your situation? Circle all that apply.

1. You just broke up with your previous boyfriend and were feeling
a) lonely
b) excited to meet a man who was everything he wasn’t
c) eager to get on with your life and/or
d) like you needed a self esteem boost.

2. You want to be in a relationship. Now. Because you
a) can’t stand being single
b) want children right away
c) want to be taken care of financially
d) feel ashamed of being single

3. You would like to be in a relationship but you are not attached to it. When it’s time to get into one, you’ll know. Because
a) you love yourself and want to share your love with another person
b) you are committed to living life in partnership
c) you are happy and fulfilled and excited to create something bigger than yourself

Why did you choose this partner?

Are any of these scenarios a match? Circle all that apply.

1. Your partner has so many amazing qualities you wish you had, like
a) self confidence
b) always happy
c) a lot of fun
d) knows what he wants
e) financially secure
f) brilliant
g) amazing friends and family
h) has all the same fun vices that you do

2. Your partner challenges you in the following ways
a) helps you relive your childhood by withholding love and affection in the same ways your parents always did
b) tells you what’s wrong with you so that you don’t get too egotistical or blind to your own faults
c) tells you what to do and helps you get control of yourself
d) acts as your spiritual guide and gives you coaching in all areas of your life
e) insists that polyamory is the only authentic way to have a relationship, which you go along with

3. Your partner does things for you that you love, like he
a) calls and texts exactly when you want him to
b) does anything you ask of him
c) gives you presents and romantic gestures like flowers
d) takes you out on extravagant dates
e) is up for talking about marriage and the future from the first days of the relationship

4. Your partner is a great guy. What you like about him is that
a) he shares the same values as you
b) you want similar things
c) he loves himself
d) you respect him and what he’s up to in life
e) you find him very attractive

If you circled many of the answers from the last section of each category, you were probably in great shape when you chose your relationship, which had you choose the right partner for you at that time, and from an empowered state.

If you circled many of the other answers from the preceding sections of each category, you were likely choosing your relationship and partner based on qualities that you felt were missing inside yourself, unresolved emotional issues, old patterns and habits, or to distract yourself from your feelings.

When you’re not feeling empowered, you’re not going to choose a powerful relationship. Period. Consider that relationships that are chosen from an disempowered place are very unlikely to work, and allow yourself to connect with this idea when making your decision.

Watch out. When you decide to take space and move on, chances are, he will resist. After all, if he didn’t want you around at all, you wouldn’t be in this situation. Because making a conscious, well thought out decision to break up requires that you are centered in yourself, in touch with yourself, and possibly feeling great about yourself, congratulations, you’ve just become 100 times more attractive than you were when you were feeling unsure, and men are going to flock to you.

Suddenly, you may find he’s very interested in getting back together in some way, whether it’s spending more time together, continuing to have sex regardless of the arrangement, reaching out more often, and so on. The thing to take note of is this: This is your decision, not his. You have to take a stand for what you need, because he’s not going to. You are responsible for your health and well being, and this is something you are choosing to do for yourself.

Do not fall into the trap of changing your mind because of this new behavior, because, you guessed it, soon after you change your mind, he is going to go right back to being however he was before. Which isn’t necessarily wrong or mean of him, but it will play with your mind and your emotions and you will undo all of the great progress you’ve made toward figuring out what you want.

This is where your friends can help you. Have them hold you accountable to your commitment. It’s going to be tempting to give it up once he proposes the many options he is sure to come up with to prevent him from having to give you up. After all, who wants to give you up? You’re wonderful. Just keep reminding yourself of this – you’re wonderful, and that’s why he’s doing this. And that’s fine. You can still walk away. And if he supports you, it just means that he’s wonderful. It’s a win-win situation.

The moral of this story is that when it comes to deciding to break up with your boyfriend, he’s not going to stick to it for your benefit – you have to get committed to staying apart, regardless of how he feels. Only you are responsible for the outcome.

One great way to make a decision is to pretend that you are giving advice to a friend. For some reason, dealing with a problem that is outside of you is much easier than one you’re personally wrestling with. How many times have you heard friends describe their issue, and felt like you knew exactly what they should do, yet they couldn’t see it? And how many times have friends tried to give you their advice, knowing exactly what you should do, but you weren’t open to hearing or following it? Ultimately, when you ask someone what you should do about something, you already know the answer deep down, but aren’t willing to accept what that answer is, and you will keep asking people so that you can hear different answers, which keep you in the decision making process, but prevent you from actually having to decide and take action. This cycle is energetically draining for all involved.

Try recruiting a friend and doing the following:

1) Write the problem down and hand it to your friend.

2) Have your friend describe the problem in her own words.

3) Give your friend advice, telling her your first gut reactions without overthinking it, and either record yourselves or have your friend write down your advice.

Have you ever found yourself animatedly telling a friend about your situation, going through a range of emotions, and rehashing the same points for hours? Talking in circles is something that happens to us all, but it is never a productive use of our time. Why is this?

When we look to another to solve our problems, help us make our decisions or tell us what to do, we are in a state of helplessness, which is usually accompanied by a state of upset (sadness, guilt, frustration, despair, depression, anger, etc). If we weren’t in this state, we wouldn’t be asking them for advice and swimming in the problem. We’d be taking action.

Whenever I share this information with people who are in the midst of one of these circular talking sessions, they puff up like an startled cat and begin defensively rattling off reasons why I’m wrong. When we are in these states, we are often the last ones to know it. We think we are being powerful and authentic with our sharing, and that the other person “just doesn’t understand” us.

The reality is that we are wasting time – our own, and the other person’s – when we do this. Not only that, but it is incredibly damaging to our psyches to continue perpetuating our story over and over again. Each time we utter the words, they become truer and truer for us, and sometimes, we even manage to convince our listener of our story, making it impossible for them to offer us any clear reflection about what we are saying and who we are being in the process.

So what’s a better solution? It depends on what has you feel empowered. Shifting your state to one where you feel competent, able, independent and relaxed will give you a shot at being able to make a clear, confident decision about whatever you’re struggling with. However, if you stay in your current state, you will not be able to make a powerful decision.

What types of things do you know you can do to get your mind off your story, to get your body out of whatever its favorite “complaining” posture is, and to shift your energy in general? For some people it could be exercise, for others, a long bath or massage. Some may require something really startling, like sky diving or rock climbing or doing backflips. Make a list of the activities where you feel most empowered and refer to it the next time you’re in the mood to call a friend and repeat your story to them. Regardless of whether you are able to make a decision, you will at least wind up feeling better about yourself, which was probably your ultimate goal anyways. Try it!

This piece is inspired by one of my very favorite self development resources, Byron Katie’s brilliant tool set, The Work. The Work has us ask 4 questions about whatever judgment we’re making about anyone or anything. After answering the four questions, in the final step of The Work, we flip our judgment around and apply it to ourselves. This is my favorite part of the process, called The Turnaround, because for me, it yields the juiciest results. After restating the judgment and substituting “I”, “me,” or “myself” for whatever we’re judging, we then find several examples in our lives that support the statement, even if it conflicts with what we believe, because it ultimately loosens up our beliefs around what’s true, and has us consider other possibilities.

This applies so profoundly to the question, “Should I leave him?” A great turnaround to apply to ourselves is to ask, “Did I leave myself?” The wording of the first question assumes that the answer has something to do with the other person. And for the most part, except in a case of conflicting values, it doesn’t. It has everything to do with how you feel about yourself, and what you are doing to nurture your own sense of competence and self worth.

Many of us get into relationships and forget about this. We choose our partner based on what we’re missing in ourselves and feel great, initially. Then, after some time, when our partner stops giving us what we want, the great feeling subsides and what’s left is that feeling of “missing.” The trouble is that we focused all of our attention on our partner, nurturing the relationship, creating security, and stopped focusing on what we love and what has us feel great, independent of our partner. And it’s simply not possible to be a great partner when we’re not feeling great about ourselves.

The thing is, if we don’t feel great about ourselves, then we can’t believe why our partner would feel great about us, which makes it difficult to receive, feel, or be present to their love and gifts. We become dependent on our partner for praise, affirmation, and in some cases, even our lifestyle and material things. God forbid our partner breaks up with us, or that we want to break up with him – if we don’t feel like we’re worth anything on our own, or that we couldn’t possibly survive as a single person, either we’ll stay in a relationship we don’t like, or wind up devastated by the breakup, or worse yet, we’ll make a manipulative play to get our partner back and get ourselves into a twisty on-again-off-again relationship.

Have you heard this before? Does it sound familiar? I had to hear it hundreds of times before I finally got the impact of not heeding this advice. I can’t tell you how many times I “lost myself” in a relationship and “let myself go” instead of nurturing self-love. I would actually recoil at the word, “self-love”. It seemed to be an act people would put on to look good to other people, and not something that could actually be real. That is, until I started getting clear about my values, what I truly want out of life, and what I’m committed to. Once I started making those things the priority instead of my relationship, I developed the ability to feel great about myself, and became a much more rock-solid partner in the process. Most importantly, this gave me the stability to make clear choices as to whether or not to stay or leave my relationship.

It’s a paradox – nurture yourself and you’ll nurture your relationship. Attempt to nurture your partner with nurturing yourself, and the relationship will suffer. If you want clarity on what to do next, look no further than your own heart, and give yourself what it is that you really want.

Often times we get stuck in an inquiry about whether or not our man loves us. If he would just love us more, we think, our relationship would be great, or we could get back together. Or, if he would just change and do that thing we asked him to do, things would be so much better.

Why do we care about this? Because it takes the responsibility for the relationship’s success away from us and puts it smack dab into the hands of our partner. Then, we don’t have to do anything but complain about whether or not he’s doing what we want. Definitely we don’t have to look inward and deal with all of that scary stuff inside, like how we truly feel about ourselves.

The surprising truth is that we wouldn’t be thinking this way if we felt strongly about the love we have for him. The only reason we want him to love us more or do the things we want him to do is so that we can love him freely ourselves. We feel like we’d love him more if these things happened, don’t we? But we can make that choice anytime, regardless of what he’s up to. Have you ever loved someone who was across the country? How about across the world? Or no longer living? That person didn’t have to be a particular way for your love to come through. Think about that for a minute, because it’s very powerful, and can make all the difference when making a decision about whether to love him or let go.

If you find yourself unable to generate love for him without him changing, then you can be sure that the source of the problem is your own thoughts and emotions. Why are you so attached to wanting these changes, and what does it mean to you if you love him without getting what you want? Do you think it means that you’ll never have what you want?

Something to consider is that you chose a partner who wants different things than you do, and you’re reluctant to admit that having those things is more important to you than being in a harmonious relationship with this particular person. Be honest with yourself – what’s your higher value? If it’s having things the way you want them, you may need to move on to a situation where that’s possible, because your partner isn’t giving that to you consistently, since that’s not truly what he wants. If it’s being with this specific partner, then you may have to let go of having things be exactly as you want them. Take some quiet time to tune into yourself and find out what’s true for you.

Instead of asking the question, “Does he love me?” try asking the question “Do I love him?” and watch as the truth reveals itself.

Alexis Martin Neely breaks down the ways she knows it’s time to leave a job, a relationship or a marriage. Each of the five reasons is a gem and has us ask questions such as whether it’s more painful to stay than to go, if we’re trying to make someone else happy or feel guilty about leaving, or if we think we should be loving it but find that we just aren’t. Alexis is an expert on moving forward even when it feels terrifying, so be sure to check out her article!

Read about what happens when one man undergoes a 30 day “love cleanse,” finally recognizes and confronts his addiction to love, and stops giving away his power to the women he dates. An inspiring and enlightening tale from Mastin Kipp’s blog on The Huffington Post: