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Wednesday, August 20, 2014

#CTC29 Day 20: Narrative Distance

Today's challenge is to write the same scene three ways, with varying narrative distance. I don't usually give much/any thought to narrative distance - I'm glad to be more aware of it after this exercise :) I'm not sure that Version 1 is actually any closer than version 2, despite aiming for that goal. I'm so comfortable with riding along right there in my character's brain - it's keeping a distance that's a challenge for me.

Version 1:

Zoe hadn't been to Danny's Bar & Grill since her "medical" leave. So many cops frequented the place you could leave anything you liked out on your table; it would be there when you got back. She'd stopped by a couple other bars, but just couldn't relax. Even if the force didn't consider her a cop any more, her neighbors did. Each time, she drank her beer in a bubble of quiet and space. No one seemed to notice her come in. It hurt more than she expected to not be greeted as soon as she came in. She took a stool at the end of the bar, ordered her usual, not sure if she wanted to be left alone or hoped someone would acknowledge her.

Version 2:

Zoe hadn't been to Danny's Bar & Grill since her "medical" leave. So many cops frequented the place you could leave anything you liked out on your table; it would be there when you got back. Familiar smells of wood polish, good beer, and homemade fries greeted her - none of the people seemed to notice her. Her sneakers felt strange on the wood floor, where she'd walked so often in uniform shoes. Her feet turned toward the tables, where she plowed into the wall of no one meeting her gaze. Without hesitation, she continued on past the beeping video games. She touched the cool plastic controller as she passed. She'd only ever played to compete with, now former, coworkers.

Version 3:

Danny's Bar & Grill companionably abutted shops and walk-up apartments on a relatively quiet side street. It didn't stand out to the casual observer. Locals knew you could almost always find at least one or two police officers having a meal or post-shift beer. The whole street stayed remarkably free of graffiti.

No one visibly reacted to the woman walking in. No one met her eye as she glanced around the room. From a stool at the end of the bar, she ordered her usual beer and fries. She hadn't had Danny's homemade fries in quite a long time.