Welcome to Human Existence, Riley!

July 18, 2012|Stephen Markley

Dear Riley,

As the child of one of my best friend’s, Joe, I’d like to welcome you to existence in Chicago, Illinois, United States of America, Planet Earth, Milk Way Galaxy, Whatever Temporal Plane of Reality We Reside Upon.

Your dad just sent me a picture of him holding you, and I have to say—wow, soooo cute, so beautiful, so gorgeous. And, Riley, you’re not bad either.

As a new member of the human race, you could not have arrived at a more materially advantageous, more interesting, and possibly terrifying time. Yes, we cured polio and clean drinking water is abundant (at least it will be for you) but great challenges remain.

You’ll soon realize this is the second thing I’ve now written about you, after your dad and I decided that we would be schooling you in basketball on a regular basis in order to get you WNBA-ready. I made this public in a RedEye column (by the time you read this, RedEye will probably have been replaced by brain-chips that import tidbits about the Kardashian-Odom children straight to your brain stem).

First of all, you’ll need to learn to be more punctual. Your mom, Laurie, spent a great deal of time giving birth to you. You’re forgiven, but don’t let it happen again.

Secondly, I feel as if it’s now my duty to explain some things to you and offer some unclely-advice. Here are the twelve most important and pressing items to keep in mind.

1) Don’t trust white people. I know, your mom is one, and three of your grandparents will be as well, but believe me on this. Once you get into school and take classes on North American history from 1492-2012 you will understand.

2) Make sure to try blueberry yogurt as soon as possible. I held out on eating blueberry yogurt nearly twenty years because I didn’t like the lumps, and to this day I can’t believe how many years of joy I missed.

3) Do not trust boys ever under any circumstances. Boys are like the white people of the sexes.

4) Learn how to drive a stick-shift. For some reason women never know how to drive manual transmissions, and this sets them back greatly in real-world utility and horror movies when they have to get away from the killer.

5) Because both your parents are tall, you will probably have a period of awkward pre-pubescent years when you are not only tall for a girl but tall for your entire class. Take it out on the basketball court and by pushing a boy’s face in the mud if he makes fun of you.

6) The best way to push a stupid boy’s face in the mud is to grab his hair and kind of mush his face back and forth. Be sure to let him have a little air every now and then, and if he starts actually crying let him go. This will scar him for life without actually leaving permanent physical marks. Then, by the time he gets to high school, he’ll be in love with you and not even understand why.

7) Before you get into any other rap/hip-hop, be sure to listen to 2Pac's "All Eyez On Me," Outkast's "Aquemini," and Dre's "The Chronic: 2001." It's important to have a solid background in the classics.

8) Always pick the standard classic Super-Soaker in a water-gun fight. I know they have the huge, heavy monster Super-Soakers now, but you want to go for speed. You want to be nimble in a water-gun fight, which is why no one has ever improved over the original Super-Soaker. You can have more power, sure, but you’ll lumber around with it and get soaked in the meantime.

9) You can become a fan of any sports team you want except for the Miami Heat. You may not root for the Miami Heat under any circumstances.

10) Be patient with people who can’t keep up with you, whether in sports or school or life. Judging by your parents, you will be one of those kids who excels at everything, and many people let their innate talent turn them arrogant or outright cruel. You will be much happier if you resist this temptation.

11) Watch the film “Ghostbusters” as soon as possible. It is awesome.

12) Listen to everything one specific white guy says, which is me. I promise I’ll never lead you wrong.