Thursday, October 03, 2013

Blog 1: Fears ‘n Such/Shelley
Williams/Fall 2013/Engl 3840

Ultimately, I am
most afraid of not learning enough in this course to make this course, my
tutoring time and experience, fruitful in the long run. In other words, I’ve
made this journey before at a writing center, tutoring, have taught
composition, have an advanced degree but little to show for it as compared with
others with the same degree. The tendency to compare oneself to peers in the
same boat is a strong one; however, most times I find I cannot indulge in this
pity-fest because I am in a boat of one.I have lost touch with peers who went through a degree program at the
same time as me, and I don’t suspect I’d want to report my mish mash of
experience to them even if that were not the case. Telling my story to the
collectors of information to a high school reunion was uncomfortable enough.

Bottom line:
Will it have been worth it after all, when I am a pinned and wriggling insect
on a wall at the end? Students, the professor of every course, this one
included, and I, evaluate me in every present moment. Except we wouldn’t worry
so much about what others are thinking of us if we knew how infrequently they
think of us. But, it is fair to say analyzing and assessing/evaluating is part
of academia and part of life. What worries or concerns me is whether, to be
cliché, I’ll cut the mustard, yes, but also whether, even doing so sufficiently
well, what gain this will win me in a long-term employment vein. Though I love
learning for its own sake and with it, gleaning hopefully some wisdom, which I
think is possible from every tutor/tutee exchange, I suppose I long for the old
American dream even if tinged with the new American reality—i.e., if not a
house, 2.5 children, a dog and/or cat, at least the ability to be
self-sufficient again. As the old Jiffy Lube commercials used to say, “We don’t
want to change the world, we just want to change your oil.” I’d settle for the
latter, but I know in so saying I am indeed settling because I know that
writing and writing well, has the power to change the world. The power of the
pen is mightier than the sword. So far, my wielding of it and helping others
wield it, has been more self-transforming than world changing, but the world is
made up of individual souls, and so, I must be content with whatever I gain or
give, in the course of this course and through my tutoring running this
semester’s course.