Saturday, January 21, 2012

I watched melancholia last week and I refute any and all 2012 end
of the world stories as completely fucking retarded. Enjoy reading.

I had a dream last night. It was pretty much the same as the
intro to melancholia with a few bits from the middle of the movie thrown in.

I was looking up at the sky at night
and there was a big bright red dot. I knew it was called Nibiru and that others
were talking about it.

The next morning i looked up and it
wasn't a dot at all anymore. It was a large, high definition, blood red version
of Jupiter (which is actually Nibiru btw). A few hours later and it was massive
in the sky. I knew this meant it was coming at an incredible speed.

I don’t know how but I wasn’t exactly
there for the actual impact. It was just… over. I and a few others were left
floating around inside of earth’s atmosphere. The atmosphere had apparently continued
to exist without the earth, but was much smaller.

Beyond the atmosphere was nothing but
fire. I didn’t look directly at it because I knew that if I did it would be
like staring into the pits of hell. Instead my focus stayed on the floating
rocks and the people that sat upon them, keeping the nightmarish conflagration
in my periphery.

The patch of dirt that I was left on
(no doubt a Nietzsche reference) slipped away from underneath me and I was
adrift through this weightless space.

I found that, after some drifting, I could
control my movements. But this control gradually failed too and I began to
drift again.

This time I was drifting backwards
and I knew what was about to happen. I was floating backwards towards the
nearest edge of the atmosphere, legs first. As I was slowly, horrifically and
completely consumed by the yawning hell behind that barrier; I woke up.

There were a wide range of emotions
around this dream for me. Mostly, in this array of emotions, was a feeling of
bemusement.

Bemusement at so many things; at how absolutely
and completely hopeless our efforts had ultimately become, how we have come so
far and yet in the grand scale of things we were not so much as an
inconvenience to this indifferent, remorseless, hulking behemoth that was about
to obliterate us totally.

Most interestingly though, I thought,
were the times when I was scared.

The only time during this whole dream
when I actually felt scared was when I would become paralysed with fear looking
up at the sky at that red swirling orb.

I would argue that the hell behind
that membrane was a much more terrifying notion but the only time I was truly
scared, I was paralysed with fear as I looked up at that impending doom.

It wasn’t a fear of pain; it wasn’t
even a fear of death. It was a fear of lack of control. That this thing was
about to happen and I had absolutely no say in the matter. A gigantic catastrophe
was about to befall me and there wasn’t a single damn thing I could say about
it.

Upon awakening I didn’t really find
that much respite from this fear. I found myself considering the utter
immensity of JUST this solar system. The size of the real Nibiru, Jupiter, is
so staggeringly immense that when you really think about it, we are so small, and
still so remarkably self-important for our level of significance.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Social morality has never had that
much of a grasp on me. I wasn't really raised in society. I was raised by TV,
locked in my house because of my mother’s delusional fantasies about how scary
the world is, up to the age of 13. So yeah, I never really learned a
conventional social morality structure.

I had no way of learning conventional
social consequences. I lived in a world of over dramatization and theatrical
endings.

This perspective has led to
ridiculous turbulence in the stability of my adult relationships and was pretty
much why I had to supplement my social learning with material from other
peoples experience (i.e. the “pick-up” community).

This was initially to give myself a
basis for learning how people work from the ground up because of how completely
clueless I was about the whole subject of “people”. I have had a hard time, in
the past, dealing with people because of how contradictory people’s behaviour was
compared to the people I learned from on TV.

Things are never as clear cut or easy
to resolve or simple or complicated or intriguing as those over dramatized versions
of real people. In real life closure tends to elude people no matter how many
desired outcomes they think they need to achieve it and in the long run
acceptance of what’s “wrong” tends to lead to a greater freedom. Just for
example.

But at the same time this sort of empty
perspective has also been a great help to me in learning, without
preconception, a great deal about the true nature of the human condition and
why people are the way they are.

Interesting side effect is though,
that I have a hard time hearing much of anything at all from this “conscience”
that I hear others speak of. I try my best to live rightly, but as with all
people, at the end of the day it’s all about me.

Being what is basically walking
evidence of moral nihilism kind of makes it easier to adapt to that moral
framework and that understanding has lead me to a great deal of inner calm.

This amoralism has made it very convenient for me to
explore alternatives such as the categorical imperative (a, probably lengthy,
article on that soon to come). For some that kind of thing is how they were
raised to think and then when they see it has a name they simply go “oh, that’s
what I do”.

While I may be a walking definition
of moral nihilism, I don't particularly find the notion that all things are
devoid of inherent traits all that despairing. As is the conventional argument
against it “it doesn’t feel or sound very nice”. As if that opinion had some
bearing on the reality of our plight.

The most disgusting distortion of
moral nihilism is the notion that the only logical thing for a moral nihilist
to do is to kill themselves. This notion always struck me as utterly ridiculous
for that kind of opinion (read moral belief structure) implies that some moral
action. Is this really the only image that can be associated with an acceptance
of all things in the universe being equal?

What’s so wrong with endeavour for
the sake of endeavour, and what’s so wrong with aiming to achieve moral
outcomes without an inherent morality. I mean shit; we're all just trying to
get along right?

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