In the event you haven’t been following the future sequel to Sleeping with the Enemy that is Shakira’s life, allow me to catch you up. First Shakira gave us all a case of the uncomfortable collar-yanks when she said that her “very territorial” baby daddy, Gerard Piqué, forbade her from shooting videos with dudes because he’s “protecting his turf”. After realizing that the word ‘turf’ made her seem like actual property, she back-pedalled a bit and said that she’s more like a goal that needs protecting, but then made things 1000x worse by describing Gerard’s love for her as asphyxiating and smothering (two words that left me with a stretched-out collar and a sprained tugging finger).

That alone was enough for most of us to consider packing an overnight bag for Shakira and booking her into a hotel two towns over under an assumed name (“Sha’Keira Knightley”), but on Thursday, Shakira took to Facebook to reassure us that everything is fine because she was just joking!

I recently said in some interviews that my man could be territorial. For the record, I was being humorous and now I see that some press took it very literally! The reality is that we have a beautiful relationship of mutual trust, and jealousy has never been an issue on either side. Next time I promise, I’ll be more careful when attempting to use my sense of humor, as clearly it can be easily misinterpreted!

It all makes sense now! See guys? All that stuff about her boyfriend being an insecure jealous douche-bro was just Shakira C.K. trying out some new material! You can catch more of Shakira performing jokes from her soon-too-be released comedy album titled “I’m Trapped!” every Wednesday night at The Chuckle Hut (“Men be possessive, am I right? My man so possessive, he installed a LoJack on me while I was sleeping! Dayum, I’m trapped! Help a bitch escape! Naw, I’m just playing with you; it’s not actually a LoJack, but something similar to help him to track my every move.”)

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