Little Fluffy Clouds

The whole Boston-based crew–me, Carynne, Chris, Bart, Bradley, and Courtney–went north for the July 4th vacation week. Ziggy stayed in the city and said goodbye to me with an enthusiasm for the experience of being apart that I think I was finally starting to understand. Now that I was no longer terrified that while we were apart everything was automatically going to fall apart (although there were still some paranoid moments–this is me, after all), I could see the appeal of looking forward to a reunion. That makes sense, right?

Besides, we both had stuff to do.

I spent a lot of time in the basement with the Mac and the DX7 and a couple of guitars. Just fucking around. I wrote some things that might be songs if I worked on them enough. I found a software program that tested ear training and made myself do it a bunch although it was a lot harder to hear what the intervals were with the fake sounds the computer made than real instruments, but maybe that was good for training purposes.

Oh, yeah, Colin’s reaction to my hair. “Did you bleach out pieces of it and then dye them?”

“Uh, no. They’re fake. Um, don’t pull my hair while we fuck and it’ll be fine.” I should mention we were in bed as I said this.

Colin’s idea, I swear. It went fine. I decided it would be weird to ask him to make a decision about coming with us to South America while we were naked so I didn’t.

Okay I should tell you one more thing about sex with Colin. After having frequent sex with Ziggy for several weeks at that point, I had forgotten what Colin was like. It wasn’t just that he was a tall person with a big dick who naturally took charge, which was a contrast to what I’d gotten used to, it was also that everything felt almost unfamiliar, as if we hadn’t had plenty of sex before? It came back to me after a bit but it was like playing electric again after months of not touching the Strat. I hadn’t expected to forget the sensations so quickly. This wasn’t a bad thing, just unexpected.

On July 4th itself we all went to Bart’s for an all day party. “We all” meant the crowd as listed above, plus Colin, plus a couple of extra people. One of them was a booker for the Lyons brothers who was a friend of Carynne’s and whose name I forgot within an hour, but she spent a lot of the party hitting on Chris, which made him feel pretty good about himself even if in the end it didn’t lead to anything. There was also a guy from the hotel and restaurant industry who was a cousin of Michelle’s but he left around sundown.

There was the usual barbecue and beer except this was a party Bart was in charge of so there were all kinds of exotic beers and meats. He couldn’t just serve Bud and make burgers and hot dogs. He had lamb chops and beef shish kabob and three flavors of chicken wings and–apparently–ostrich kabobs but I think I mistook them for beef and so I can’t really say I noticed the difference.

At one point I went into the kitchen looking for something that wasn’t meat to eat and ran into Bradley and Chris talking.

Bradley was saying, “I just don’t feel like I’m keeping up.”

Chris had just said, “Look, we can work on–” when he looked up and noticed me.

“Hey,” I said as I opened the fridge, then shut it again in favor of taking a brownie from the container sitting on the counter. “You guys okay?”

Bradley looked at Chris, then at me, in that wide-eyed stare of his, and then mumbled an excuse and hurried out of the room.

“Okay, what was that about?”

Chris opened the fridge and poured himself some seltzer. “That is Bradley still being in sink-or-swim mode and convinced he’s gonna sink.”

“That’s what it sounded like. But shouldn’t he tell me that?”

Chris cracked open the seltzer and then had to hold it over the sink because bubbles (and water) went everywhere. “He’s afraid to disappoint you.”

“He’s doing fine, though.” And he was. Musically everything wasn’t perfect but I wasn’t pushing for it to be perfect yet when we still were going to have another few weeks of rehearsal.

“It’s good he’s looking up to me for advice, I guess,” Chris said. “Since he’s afraid to talk to you about it.”

“I do not get this ‘afraid of me’ thing. That, honestly, is my only worry about him at this point.”

Chris plopped a lime wedge into his glass from the cutting board where lemons and limes were sitting with a small knife. “It’s just nerves. I think he’ll get over it. I figure him and me and Bart can do some rehearsals on our own, just to keep it fresh, while you’re gone.”

“Speaking of which, you and me and Bart should rehearse tomorrow.” I thought for a second. “Or maybe the day after. Hey, pour me some of that.”

“You going to stick to not drinking even though Ziggy isn’t here?” Chris asked.

“Yeah, but Bart isn’t.” The pile of empties by the back door was already getting pretty big. So we’ll see if he feels up to rehearsing tomorrow or not.”

I ate the brownie and washed it down with seltzer and lime, and then got into some kind of crazy two-person video game with Colin that kept seeming weirder and weirder. I thought I knew the rules but they seemed to me to be changing as we went along. I figured it was just me and I would figure it out eventually if I just concentrated harder on what was going on. The screen was really huge, the room was dark, and Bart had put in surround sound.

“Daron, are you all right?” Colin asked at one point.

“Hm?”

“You seem a little…”

“Hm?”

Just then Chris stuck his head into the game room. “It’s almost time for the fireworks. Concert’s starting shortly.”

“Come on.” Colin took me by the hand and led me up to the roof deck where the sky seemed very surreal with blimps flying through it and lights shining from the direction of the Esplanade. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Um.” Come to think of it, I was feeling a lot like the video game had leaked out and enveloped the real world. “Everything’s weird.”

“And you’re really quiet.”

“Oh, shit,” Bart said. “Did I forget to label which ones were the hash brownies?”

I’m not exactly sure how the logic went this way, but upon discovering that I was accidentally high on hash oil, the rest of the group decided the solution was they should all join me. So pretty soon everyone except for Chris, who was continuing to abstain from drugs, was catching up with me.

Then a kind of time dilation occurred and it took forever to get to the actual fireworks. The1812 Overture took a really long time, but it was neat to hear all the church bells ringing, standing there on the roof of Bart’s townhouse. It occurs to me now that the sound of the orchestra wasn’t reaching us live from the Esplanade–Bart had to have hooked up speakers on the roof–but the church bells ringing and the cannons firing, that you could hear in the open air. Church bells all ringing at the same time from all over the city like that probably would’ve made the hair on my body stand up even if I wasn’t high.

Fireworks make me feel like a child again. But in a good way. The excitement to see them, the anticipation–it’s almost painful in the way that raw childhood emotions always are. But maybe the hash or maybe my recent change in outlook on life had me enjoying the rawness of it. It’s easier to enjoy anticipation when you’re not fearful that someone’s going to yank it away, whatever it is.

The fireworks were bright and beautiful and synchronized to the music–no, that wasn’t my drug addled imagination, that was how they designed it. In fact I think I was sobering up by that point because I finally felt like talking again.

“Hey Bart,” I said. “You know we predicted this.”

“Predicted what? Oh, that we’d do July 4th on my roof if we didn’t have other gigs? I thought you made it our vacation week on purpose because of that.”

“Oh. Maybe I did without totally realizing it. Good job, Daron.” I patted myself on the back with my right hand.

When the fireworks were over the party became a dance party on Bart’s roof, where we all just danced because why the fuck not dance. And when it was time to be quiet nobody really felt like going home so we ended up sleeping on couches and in guest rooms and on floors in various rooms because that’s just what made sense. I woke up early in the morning on a pulled out couch with Colin wrapped around me and Bradley curled up on the loveseat next to us, like a lost puppy. It seemed to me that when I opened my eyes, he opened his.

“It’ll be all right, puppy,” I said, and then I closed my eyes again and went back to sleep. Hopefully Bradley did, too.

—(Time for me to remind you all I’m collecting your images and suggestions for who you’d “cast” in DGC! Who do you picture when you imagine the various characters? Email daron.moondog @ gmail.com with your suggestions. Also a reminder if you have a blog or social media and would like to be part of the cover reveal or launch blitz for DGC Volume 9, OR you would like to review DGC Volume 9 on Amazon or Goodreads, sign up on this form here: http://goo.gl/forms/N4fYgFHHFH5wbFek1 -ctan)
—

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Comments 3

s wrote:

Well, at least you figured out the weirdness between you and Colin. Oh, wait.

I still can’t find anyone to cast as Colin. I want this ‘casting call’ to be real, though. We have enough material from the story to make at least 10 seasons of a TV show… and it’s way more interesting than most of the shit on TV right now.

I’m wondering how this will jibe with Ziggy’s not so subtle hints and the closeness you have been feeling with him. I understand the concept you mentioned a long time ago about sex for simple pleasure and I know Ziggy said he would never be upset about you with Colin, but…

I’m glad you said it was fine, but will it be later? I’m still hoping for the best because of the growth you and Ziggy have experienced, apart and together. You’ve already done the meltdown and separate for an extended period of time and hate and destroy each other so I’m not seeing that again, but I need to see what this Colin situation will bring out.

I have to admit I had a mini freak out when I saw that you and Colin were together. I guess I will try to take your word for it, it’s fine…***skeptical, worried face***

I don’t think they’re worried about you and Colin so much as what screwing him will mean for you and Ziggy and whether Ziggy is really as okay with it as he claims. You know most of us are all about you and Z-man, right?

I’m not skeptical for once. Colin is… not poised to be a complication. He’s a comfort and a sort of neutral space in knowing how to handle both you and Ziggy. What I am concerned about is Colin developing feelings for either or both of you and how that might change the dynamics at play. If he’s emotionally involved, does he become less appealing or more to you, Daron? I suspect that’s what’s happening with him, but I could be wrong. For the record, I’m here for the potential of you and Ziggy working long-term, and would love to see Colin continuing to play a large role in that as lover, friend, and stabilizing force for both of you. I see it as both/and, never a choice between them.

I definitely think Colin has some deep feelings for Daron and I’m oddly more curious than worried about it at the moment. Ziggy always seems to know what’s up with people and their attractions/feelings. Hard to believe he wouldn’t realize how Colin/Daron feel about each other. Jealousy can be an ugly thing when it strikes though. We can only hope it won’t.

I can’t see Ziggy being jealous for exactly the reason G names below: Colin’s the type to stay a respectful distance from the workings of Daron and Ziggy’s relationship and not the kind to come between anyone (unless it’s sexually, in which case, yes, please, sandwich time). I think Ziggy knows that and knows it well, and he knows Colin is the absolute last person Daron would ever get jealous over. We have ample evidence there, and evidence, too, of Colin never seeming to engage in Ziggy and Daron’s obvious drama. He just doesn’t comment on it, offers comfort, and keeps moving. I just really don’t think it has to be complicated if they can all be mindful of each others’ feelings.

Playing Devil’s Advocate: That is a BIG IF. Colin as we know him is not a threat, but feelings, especially love, can change the way people behave. If Colin falls in love with Daron (assuming he hasn’t already, which might be a dumb assumption), he may not be able to remain quite so objective. Don’t tell me you haven’t seen a very level-headed person lose their shit completely over love, because I’ll call bullshit. It happens all the time. I’m not saying it would in this case, but it’s a possibility we can’t discount.

Ziggy does get jealous. We saw it over Mitch (and it was adorable). He says he’s fine with Colin, and he may very well be logically, but he is a very emotional person and we often can’t control our emotions. We can control how we express them, but not how we feel. And has he figured out how deeply Daron cares for Colin? Because Daron hasn’t. He’s refusing to look too closely at that at the moment. Also, things have changed quite a bit between Daron and Ziggy since he first said he was okay with Daron and Colin (hello, marriage? ambiguous exclusivity talks?). Again, I’m not saying Ziggy will freak out, but I’m not saying he won’t either.

I never said Ziggy doesn’t get jealous, just that he has to know how pointless it would be to be jealous over Colin when he’s had him, too. He knows that dynamic, he knows what Colin has to offer, and he knows there’s no point at which he can use Colin to force Daron into anything. Those are the things that place Colin in a wholly different category to Mitch or Carynne, or any of the others who’ve come along. Colin just sort of is, and already a part of them that doesn’t need to be some dramatic event.

Daron’s perceived allusions to marriage really don’t change anything. Polyamory is a valid option that doesn’t take anything away from making a commitment to Ziggy, and I really think all three of them already know that, even if Colin may be uncertain where he stands.

When Ziggy slept with Colin he was a COMPLETELY different person than he is now. All I’m saying is knowing something and feeling something are very different things. And being able to handle what you are feeling is another thing altogether.

Regarding polyamory: I know it can happen with the right people. My only question is are these the right people?

Also, I’m still wondering in the back of my mind WHY Ziggy told Daron to bring Colin on the tour. I don’t believe in altruism, especially not where Ziggy is concerned. So what’s in it for him?

You need to take it down a notch, lady, and stop capslocking at me. It ain’t that serious.

I have faith in these three to figure things out, and I’m just not on the bandwagon with pushing for monogamy or freaking out that Ziggy’s going to have a meltdown over it all. It’s exhausting to keep expecting the worst of him, especially when he’s shown a lot of growth past it. You can’t say he’s completely different now than he was while also arguing he’s going to behave in the same way he would have in the past.

I’m so not freaking out on this. Sorry if that’s how it sounds. As I said, I was just tossing out possible scenarios. I wouldn’t be surprised if Ziggy freaked out and I wouldn’t be surprised if he did. Same with Colin. Love fucks with peoples’ heads, you know? Makes them do crazy shit. And I know you know me better than to think I expect the worst of Ziggy. Not a chance, my friend. That boy hung the moon.

It’s only whiplash if you think Colin is some kind of “opposite” to Ziggy instead of directly adjacent to him. Which since you’re a mono type person and not a poly type person, s, that’s the kinda idea you’d get, but it’ a realllllly skewed worldview from where I’m standing. Ziggy’s right there. Colin’s right next to him. No whiplash at all, in fact I can see them both without moving my head at all.

Oh I freely admit I don’t get it, but that doesn’t really matter. It’s not my life. From my perspective I see potential problems that may or may not exist in your world. For example, you said in a comment that if Ziggy wants to be exclusive all he has to do is promise the same. Does that include Colin? What if he decides it does? You crying in Colin’s arms because you don’t want to give him up tells me that might be an issue.

As I said before, I’m curious not worried. My curiosity is what led me to your story in the beginning and now I’m just along for the ride, love.

I agree with both of you. I am remembering how Daron cried with Colin. But, as I’ve said before, Colin is a good guy and I think he tends to give people what they need at that time (he has with Ziggy and with Daron) and doesn’t force the issue. I can see him as a person Daron and Ziggy care for (Daron more than Zig) but who stays a respectful distance from their relationship. I don’t think I see him as someone who would come between anyone; he just doesn’t read that way to me at all. I certainly don’t see him having a jealous meltdown, unlike two other people I will not name…

Agreed. As I just said to Stef, it doesn’t have to be complicated. Triads function this way all the time. I do worry about who is taking care of Colin, but I suspect that’s a role Marilyn (I think I’m spelling her name wrong) is filling to some extent.

Unfortunately, I think it’s already complicated, whether it doesn’t have to be or not. It was jealousy (Carmen) that drove Ziggy first into Daron’s arms and bed. Jealousy played a role in Ziggy’s brief fling with Carynne. Definite jealousy of Mitch.

BTW, does anybody still believe that Colin is 90% heterosexual? His protestations notwithstanding, his actions put him in a Kinsey Scale range of 2.5-4.

Colin isn’t remotely like any of the other situations, though. He’s a well-known entity between them both and someone for whom they both understand the appeal. The same can’t be said for Carynne or Mitch, or anyone else either of them have been with.

I’m pretty sure no one but Colin ever believed he was all that straight.

Feelings are definitely developing and we’re as scared of the consequences of feelings as we ever are, of course. I’m not reading more into it than that. I still don’t really know or understand what Colin really wants or needs, you know? So that’s a concern unto itself.

I hope we all get some clarity on what he wants and needs. He’s so good to you, but we really haven’t gotten a sense of what he needs or who’s there for him, because he doesn’t really ask that of you. So who’s supporting him? Who’s looking after his emotions?