Going Giftless Part 2

Yesterday we talked about the wise men and how their story is not a prescription for giving stuff to people as much as it is an inspiration to give ourselves to God. Today, I’m suggesting that Christmas gifts are to most kids what milk is to mine.

Our first was born with an allergy to dairy, so Becky eliminated the stuff from her diet. And not just the things containing milk, but everything containing one component of milk called casein. Becky had a friend or two marvel at what they called her “sacrifice”, claiming they’d never be able to give up dairy for their kids. Really? we thought. Have you seen the kind of extraterrestrial diapers dairy gives this kid? Apparently not. Obviously not.

These folks couldn’t imagine life without milk. And their nose wrinkled up at the mere suggestion of a substitute like soy or rice milk. They, of course, said they’d be fine without dairy, but, well, they drink milk for the children. “There’s no way,” one of them said, “my kids would ever drink soy milk. Yuck.”

I have three kids now and none of them grew up drinking a tall glass of milk every morning for breakfast like I did as a kid. They’ve only known soy milk. Soy milk in their mac and cheese. Soy milk over their cereal. And because it’s all they’ve known, they’ve never asked – not once – for cow milk. And they think it’s more than a little weird that most people drink “boobie juice” from an animal.

Before we go any further with this whole discussion of giving gifts at Christmas, I thought it would be a good idea to have a moment of honesty with our adult selves. Truth be told, giving gifts to our kids isn’t always about our kids. Sometimes it’s about us and what we’ve always known. It’s about our comfort and compliance with a societal norm, a tradition as old as milk on cereal. If we changed the tradition, the expectations, if we made a radical substitute, who would be most affected by it really: The children or the grown-ups?

Post navigation

“If we changed the tradition, the expectations, if we made a radical substitute, who would be most affected by it really: The children or the grown-ups?”

That depends on many factors.

1) When the transition was done. (e.g., in their early childhood or later after they have experienced and come to expect the societal norm).

2) What kind of explanation went along with the transition.

3) Whether the kids saw it as hypocritical or unnecessary. (Do the parents still indulge in their own toys outside of Christmas. Do they still have a fancy new car with GPS and a DVD player, a boat, a house on the lake, etc.)

2) Who the children’s peer influences are and how much they influence them. (e.g., do your kids go to public school or are they homeschooled?)

I had a friend in college who was a returning student having already raised his kids and lost his job due to downsizing. When he raised his kids, he never gave them gifts for Christmas. Ever. Instead, they would take Christmas day and do something as a family, go skiing, or do something else. Also, every year, even after they grew up and moved out, his kids gave him a Christmas wish list. They obviously did know the difference and were pretty annoyed that their parents didn’t go for the whole gift giving bit.

This year I sent my mom a world vision gift catalog and asked her to pick something out of there if she felt the need to do something for our family. She’s still gonna do something for my kids, but is doing the World Vision gift catalog thing for my wife and I. I tried to get the rest of the family to also buy into it, but it didn’t fly, and that’s OK. Radical transitions aren’t for everybody. I think things would be greatly helped if people took just 25-50% of their Christmas money and donated it to the poor. An overly materialistic Christmas is so embedded in our culture, that simplifying and remembering others would be tough to do all out, cold turkey for most families. Celebrating Los Posadas doesn’t hurt either.

Here is a link to the World Vision gift catalog, if anybody’s interested. WV even sends a card to the people letting them know about the gift in their name that you made.

I hope you don’t mind a link to World Vision, Mr. Groves. I know they aren’t your employer and you’ve written negatively about them in the past, but it is on topic and Compassion doesn’t put anything like this out. I think the World Vision gift catalogs are pretty cool for raising awareness of poverty in the third world. They are also a neat item to pass out to family at this time of the year and to leave on a table in the church foyer for people to pick up and look at.

MB

http://shaungroves.com Shaun Groves

I’ve never written negatively about World Vision. They do great work! Thanks for the link.

Dawn~Canada

Like I said Shaun, a whole can of worms here, or perhaps, Pandora’s Box. People don’t want to give up their beloved traditions. Especially Christmas with all it’s twinkling lights, warmth of the holiday season and such. It makes us feel good inside – warm and fuzzy. The world has done a great job of selling this pagan tradition and really it’s us adults who perpetuate the problem.Our kids wouldn’t care about materialism if they could see first hand how our overspent $$ spent in December could feed a whole family for a year. And it’s hard to not get caught in yet another facet of the situation: what of all those people who do both charitable outpouring as well as the gifts on the side (cuz they don’t want their wee ones to feel left out and the parents don’t want to seem neglectful.) How stressed are they? Caught between what perhaps we should do and tradition. Yikes!

http://sydandkay.blogspot.com Jill Foley

I have to say that I would have been in the same camp as those cow’s milk drinking folks…what a sacrifice! I don’t think I could have been paid enough money to give it up. Until….my first daughter was diagnosed with a milk protein allergy. It’s amazing to me how easy it was to never let dairy touch my lips again…all for the well-being of my child. I could have stopped nursing, made it easy on myself. But somehow, making the sacrifice, made me feel like a better mother. Because of my diligence, she got over the allergy….she still only drinks soy milk (she’s 4)…but she’s loves her ice cream!

I know that wasn’t really the point of the post, but I’ve been in your wife’s shoes so I could relate!

I do think that we need to give our gift giving under control. I absolutely do not want to set a precedent for lots and lots of presents under the tree on Christmas morning. It would be so easy to buy and buy and buy for my kids, because I know how much they like to unwrap! But….we don’t want them to feel entitled to anything, so we are doing are best to keep it to 2 gifts each. Of course, then the grandparents come along and spoil them.

http://morgancollins.blogsome.com Morgan

good point. I dont have kids, but I brought up the idea of going giftless to my family this year…they didnt go for it. And I must admit that when my mom asked me if I wanted a new coach purse it took everything I had not to scream “YES!”

Noelle

Hey Shaun,

what is your source about the David acrostic in Matthew? I would love to have the source for a lesson. thanks!

http://cryingmoms.blogspot.com Racer

I find this topic to be quite interesting. For my family, we give. We give to our children, and we give to others. It works for us.

I totally get that it doesn’t work for some.

Dawn~Canada, giving in both areas is enjoyable, not stressful as you may think.

http://wearethehofs.blogspot.com LisaH

This subject has been a big part of my thoughts this Christmas season. A lot of it has to do with finances. But a lot of has to also do with my growth in my faith throughout the past year. My husband and I have been discussing how to raise our “future” children..with or without the BIG man in the RED suit =) and all that entails….gift giving, etc.

Shaun I agree with you in that I think I would miss out on the “magic” of gift giving, and santa claus. And I know that my husband would too. But we also want to raise children who have a love for the LORD, and a desire to serve Him! Not a desire to serve the world. We still have time to figure it out, and we’re praying for guidance from above!

The thing I’ve found w/ doing Advent Conspiracy for two years is that I have to be happy with small changes, knowing that lots of people making small changes adds up to something really great.

The Christmas consumerism culture is strong, so very strong, that I see no hope of it getting any better.

Signed,

Eeyore

Grovesfan

We do give gifts to our children and to others in our family. Could we scale back in the gift-giving department? Absolutely! Should we? Almost certainly. Do we? Not as much as we should. We’ve cut back some this year though, mainly because I’ve been out of work for the last 6 months.

I never thought much at all (if ever) about the wise men being connected with our Christmas gift giving traditions. My parents always taught us that the reason we gave gifts at Christmastime was because God gave us the MOST PRECIOUS GIFT, the reason for our celebration, His Only Son.

Did we do the “Santa” thing when I was little? Some. It was fun to pretend, although harder growing up in Florida where we had no chimney, no snow, no reindeer, etc. Our story was altered a bit to substitute a boat, 8 dolphin, and the lanai door. Did we know it was pretend? Yep. Still fun. There’s nothing wrong with fun.

These traditions didn’t do anything to alter my belief about the true meaning of Christmas, or the fact that nowhere in scripture is it said that we SHOULD celebrate the birth of Christ.

It doesn’t say anywhere in scripture that we sing in church, have an alter call, sit in pews or substitute grape juice for wine in communion; but many of us do. There’s nothing wrong with any of it as long as Scripture is TAUGHT correctly, adhered to in ALL cases, and EVERYONE is shown the love of Christ through His church.

My kids get gifts, they give gifts, and they know why we celebrate. Good stuff. Can we be “better” at it? Yep. Getting there a bit more every year.

http://www.chupetunes.com Eric

Our 8 month old has an aversion to dairy, and my wife has cut it out of her diet. She’s been gracious about it, but it’s incredibly hard because (as you said) milk is literally everywhere: bread, potato chips, pre-packaged food items- and just forget about eating out. Any time we eat with other families, she has to skip out on whatever others make because inevitably it was made with butter, cheese, or milk. Soy milk is the norm for us, although i do still eat some dairy-laden items.

Obviously, at 8 months old (she’s our only child so far), our daughter’s not going to comprehend the whole Christmas presents thing, so we’re still in the working phase of how we’ll handle it in the future. Not to mention Santa- not trying to cause anyone else to feel weird about it, but for our family, that’s a whole Pandora’s box of dubious worldly tradition that my mother clings to with the tenacity of “a love-starved cobra” (just watched The Man Who Came to Dinner the other night- love it). We’re leaning toward explaining it all to her, telling her it’s not real. Some friends of ours never explained it to their kids, and when people in public would ask them what they wanted from Santa, they’d just look at them like they had slime oozing out their ears.

Right now, we have 2 ‘presents’ for the baby: a car seat (her present will actually be the empty box and the wrapping paper), and a wooden alligator toy that clacks (which she probably won’t play with until she’s walking). We’re not buying anything for anyone else- we plan to make some baked items, but that’s about it.

http://embracingtherisk.blogspot.com MamasBoy

“I’ve never written negatively about World Vision.”

I really apologize for saying you had. For some reason I thought I remembered you questioning the ethics of calling a program child sponsorship when it is symbolic and not actual, but my memory must have failed me. Again, I apologize for putting words in your mouth.

MB

Courtney

Now this one you’ve got me on…

The change from gifts to no gifts (the hypothetical change, of course, since you haven’t actually suggested that yet) would be hard for me to make because it’s inconvenient, uncomfortable, and awkward for ME.

I like what you’ve put on the table (not talking about the soy milk).

http://www.fifteenminuteslate.wordpress.com Bonnie

I didn’t send out Christmas cards this year, and I’m ok with that. My husband and I make gifts because we absolutely love giving them.

Also, I just learned that I have a dairy allergy. Guess what kind of milk-laden Christmas candy this preschool teacher got from 10 students? Thanks guys, thanks for the chocolate that I will give to my husband.

http://www.mydesignstreak.com TransitionGirl

I think giving up Christmas gifts is more of a tradition and social thing. Kids growing up with it expect it. Everyone expects it. But doesn’t mean you gotta give it.

Giving makes the giver happy, but do we REALLY need all those stuff?

I agree with giving a poor kid in Indonesia a Christmas gift to show love and provide them with something they’ll probably never be able to buy.

I don’t agree with giving kids who have “everything” more stuff just for the sake of giving. Defeats the purpose. (I’ve never bought into the saying that Christmas is a time of giving. The whole year should be a time of giving of ourselves, and the Lord’s truth. not just a season.)

http://deneenwhite.com Deneen

Good stuff. Thank you.

http://suedawg.blogspot.com Susanne

So so true. If we gave our kids less gifts at Christmas, I think they would be fine. My husband and I are the ones who would be worried about how the grandparents would handle the change. We would be a little sad because of the happy memories we have of opening tons of presents on Christmas morning. But I know my kids would do great with the change. Now if I can just motivate myself to change! Oh – and my kids and I love soy milk (the vanilla kind).

Dawn~Canada

Racer – I agree, and we do both as well, but I’m talkin’ about those “give-all” people, ya know, the ones who go way out there to help the helpless in grandiose ways proclaiming that’s the reason for the season, but also feel they need to satisfy the urge to spend big $$ on family and friends. But thanks for the encourage!

http://www.ddhsoftware.com Dave Haupert

This is a great analogy Shaun, and probably better than you imagined. First, you bring up a good point. If we removed traditions that we enjoyed would our children even miss it. That seems like an obvious point, but one we don’t often consider. The bigger question is what will fill it’s place. I admire your desire to fill it with pure biblical based traditions. Is good intentions and best efforts enough though?

To your milk analogy, here’s my point. You replaced cow’s milk with soy, doing your research and finding it’s absence of casein, a common allergen especially for asthmatics. What you replaced it with, Soy milk, has it’s own set of problems however. Soy produces excitotoxins in the brain, known to negatively affect growth in young children as well as cause seizures. My family went through the same switch you did- and the kids were happily drinking soy milk and not ‘knowing any different’ with respect to missing the traditional breakfast variety.

Then my daughter had her first seizure, laying unconscious on the floor at the mall, and having CPR administered in front of us in perhaps the most surreal moment of my life thus far. After visiting with several allergists and nutritionists, we determined it was the soy milk causing it. We learned that there is a better alternative, goat’s milk, which does not contain casein, and does not produce excitotoxins in the brain. Our kids drank that for the years following with no adverse effects. Oh, and it tastes much better than soy- the kids all agreed (as do I).

My point in this is twofold:

1. Warn you about giving that much soy based anything to anyone, let alone a growing child.

2. I believe the rush to rid traditions that we question the biblical or nutritional basis of, while noble, is a dangerous effort. You must really be careful to not make such a radical adjustment without fully researching the consequences.

While your kids seem healthy on Soy milk (and I pray they are), you should carefully research the negative effects soy has on the young person’s body. And while getting caught up on the gift part of the season has led many people astray from the true purpose and meaning of Christmas, eliminating gifts may have some long term effects.

I’m not sure what they would be, but one worry I have is that we can easily become focused with reaching all ends of the earth before we reach our Jerusulem. That is, it’s easy to imagine that we can come to ignore the needs within our own families and inner circle of friends when we are focused on the world at large. Ask any PK how they feel about this to get a good iea of what I mean.

Giving gifts to family and friends can be a wonderful experience for the receiver (to feel special/important and loved) and to the giver, who sees the effect that it has on the receiver and is nudged towards a heart for giving elsewhere. Careful to keep this in mind when offering a replacement!

I'm a speaker and musician sharing stories and songs to inspire generous living at home and around the world.