A blog by a client about marketing and ad agencies. This is the stuff what agencies wish they knew about what they reckon they know about but don't not know nothing. Yeah...I think that makes sense.

Monday, 15 March 2010

Clearcunts

And on the 8th day, God had a look about and thought, 'You know what's missing? A collection of complete and utter cunt-portions whose sole purpose in life it will be to really ruin the life of anyone trying to get a TV commercial cleared for broadcast.'

And, lo, the Lord did bring into existence the BACC, which he later rebranded, because he was bored and had budget to use up before April, and they became known as Clearcast and verily they were a total bunch of shit-fingering wank-machines who God must have created in his own image because fuck me into a puddle, that's who they fucking well act like.

And soon did the marketing professionals and agency boys gnash their teeth and wail and cry unto the Lord, 'Why hast Thou created this legion of utter, utter, utter cuntblobs who do act without rhyme or reason or any semblance of responsibility or uinderstanding?'

And the Lord looked down and chuckled, for He just felt like being a bit of a cunt that day and, well, who's going to fucking argue anyway? You? Are you arguing? Do you fancy a fucking lightning bolt up your cack-barrel? No, I fucking thought not, tough guy. That's it - fuck off back to your phone and call Clearcast again to see if they could possibly, perhaps, just maybe, please have a look at the script you've resubmitted for the 34th time to see if the terms and conditions in 6-point type are worded correctly - though you know very, very well that the Clearcast cockhounds I have created will do nothing AT ALL to help you because I didn't give them the ability to reason, just a facility to say 'rejected' with a tone that makes you want to hack them into teeth and jam, though you can't because they'll never clear another of your client's ads ever again and your jizzmop of a career will get even fucking worse.

And the agency boys did weep, and the marketing professionals fucking stupid enough to try to produce a TV commercial themselves did moan, and everyone agreed that if they ever met one of these scat-felchers anonymously in the pub, they would fuck them right up, properly, not just a quick beating but a serious, sustained bout of violence that would sicken bystanders and call into question the humanity of the perpetrators but, fuck me, if those bystanders had to deal with Clearcast with any kind of fucking regularity, they'd be weighing with a crowbar too BECAUSE THOSE FUCKING A-PIPES NEED TO FUCKING WELL DIE.

Ahem.

Basically, I've been banned from airing the UK's first TV ad featuring VERY TASTEFUL full-frontal nudity.

That said, everything I've written above about Clearcast stands. It's an organisation formed out of malice, shit, bile, crow-spunk and wasps. I REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR SOVEREIGNTY ANY MORE!

2 comments:

It seems apparent that he tried to do this one on his own. Hey Dave, tell us how you really feel about Clearcast. Question: Was it full-frontal female or male nudity? Altho I think I already know the answer...

My Mission

There are millions of blogs by ad agency boys. But there's nothing that tells the story from the client side - and that's the important side! (You'll get used to my mad sense of humour - everyone says I'm dead funny, especially the agency boys!)

So, seeing as how if you want something doing right you have to do it yourself (that's what I tell the agency boys when I'm fixing one of their ads for them) I thought I'd be the client who does it.

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Who is Dave Knockles?

I'm the Marketing Director of a big company. I can't say who. But if I say we're number 2 in the European consumer durables market relating to, or directly involving, cleaning clothes and or soft furnishings and or other fabrics, with a commitment to excellence, quality and placing superior cleaning at the core of our customers' product experience, I think you'll suss. Yes - that's us!
I like BMW motor cars, Manchester United (yes, I'm from London - deal with it!) and forming successful business strategies that deliver optimum profitability and customer delight.