3. "I actually have my own theory about Lincoln's death...

I think John Wilkes Booth was innocent. I don't even think it was an assassination. I believe that Abraham Lincoln had a vision of what the Republican Party would become in 150 years, and he shot himself. Is the Fox table laughing, or did Rupert Murdoch hack into all my jokes already?"

4. ROFL

"You can't have a beer with (Mitt Romney), because he doesn't drink. You can't have a cup of coffee with him, because he can't have caffeine. You can't even play Monopoly with him because he keeps trying to put the dog on the car."