It’s not me, it’s you (you being people involved customer service that aren’t really nice at all).

My least favorite part of the holidays is that everyone in the service industry just decides to fall off the holiday bandwagon. With so many people flooding the stores with issues about this/that/the other thing, part of me understands…after all, I was a retail whore for years. But, even though I hated ALL OF YOU, I still attempted to at the very least, because that’s what you should do, and being an asshole isn’t really going to help anyone out.

Tis the season to NOT work retail.

ANYWAY.

My father called me last week from his cell phone, which he really only uses for e-baying clocks and playing sudoku.

Me: Hey Dad.

Dad (in a very “Mom-like” voice): Hey Bunso.

Me: …Mom?

It was a little like the scene in Zoolander where Zoolander thinks God must be calling.

“God?”

My mother had, unbeknownst to me, taken my father’s phone when hers bit the dust. She was the proud owner of a very nice HTC EVO. That is, until the thing decided to die, quickly. She took it to a Sprint store for a solution, and they sent her on her way with a new battery. That lasted for a week or so. Until the battery started dying again — and then just wouldn’t turn on at all.

She headed to the store AGAIN and told them what was happening — and again, they just told her it was the battery, everything was fine. Not only that, she complained to me later, the store employees had been ridiculously rude and condescending to her.

Did you lower the brightness of the screen?

Did you change the battery?

Did you charge the phone?

Did you push the “on” button?

I told her that I’d go to the store with her, because I’ve been the grumpy customer service person having to deal with everyone’s problems (Hats off to Macy’s for two years, Forever 21 for a year, and Meijer for a year. Oh, and American Eagle. I worked there too.), and I feel like I can try and relate. Especially at the holidays, since I understand that people (the customers) can suck to deal with. But given that the situation was not my mother’s fault, and given that I’ve dealt with the pleasant cell phone people before, I figured I could possibly help. PLUS, there is always the possibility I can always bitch someone’s head off for being an asshat to my mother.

Case in point:

When Boo was born, as a proud new mother, I took zillions upon zillions of pictures of his little baby face, and toes, and when he opened one eye the one time, and when he was TOTALLY smiling even though it may have just been gas…and I texted all these photos to people all over the place.

Apparently, I texted thousands of dollars of baby-gas-induced-smiles.

Me: We just received a bill for ridiculously large amount of money that isn’t correct at all.

Representative: Mmhm. And what was your question?

Me: It’s not a question. That’s not right.

Rep: Well, I’m looking at your account, and it looks like the bulk of your current bill is from internet charges.

Me: We don’t use the internet on our phones.*

Rep: Well, it looks like you used internet connections to send photos.

Me: No, we have unlimited text and picture messages.

Rep: Yes, but the photos actually were sent using an internet connection, not messaging, so there was an extra charge for every photo you sent.

Me: For. Every. Photo?

Rep: Yes, for [abnormally large amount of money].

Me: We weren’t aware that it was send through the internet. We pay for unlimited picture messaging.

Rep: Well, sometimes we use the internet connection to send the pictures because they are larger files to send.

Me: Then why would you have offered us unlimited picture messages?!

Rep: I’m sorry if you’re displeased with our service, if you like, I can connect you with a customer service survey to relay this.

According to this “customer service” representative, we had “misunderstood” their policies — that unlimited picture messaging did not mean unlimited picture messaging. It meant “words free, picture extra.” Then, by three different customer representatives, I was told that it was our fault for thinking that unlimited actually means unlimited.

After some odd hours on the phone, they finally reversed the charges, but not after being complete jerk-offs to me — and blaming me for not understanding “[our] definition of unlimited.” That’s a direct quote, by the way.

Maybe it’s just that all these cell phone companies are exactly the same and completely rude to, and disrespectful of, their customers. Maybe they’re just that unhappy with their lives, so they’re taking it out on us.