Four Annoying Types of Toilet Paper

What’s not to love about toilet paper? Anything that can save a man from the painful onset of any sort of persistent butt rash is collectively smiled upon by all who know of it (which is practically everyone but the Eskimos). Assuming you can hang it correctly, it’s there, and it gets the job done. Of course, if it’s not there, that’s an entirely different problem :

Unfortunately, even the best of things can be ruined by over or under-engineering and toilet paper is no exception. Here are a few of the ways in which toilet paper can be turned into a massive pain in the arse (or at the very least, a small discomfort in the bum):

1) Crepe Paper

We’ve all been there. Whether you decide to take a quick bathroom break from your neighbors’ child’s birthday festivities or you stumble through the dark into your own bathroom to find the product of your wife’s innocent attempt at finding a bargain in the supermarket; it’s all the same. It’s that generic toilet paper that seems thinner than Vin Diesel’s head hair. It’s so thin that you can see your hand through it (after you bunch it up into a ball).

As you sit in the stall of the local Piggly Wiggly wondering how many times you’ll need to fold this stuff up to manage a semi-clean wiping operation, remember; it’s never too late to start sporting a man purse with your own roll of… well… anything else.

2) Dog Paws

Toilet paper these days often comes with all sorts of charming pictures and frolicking caricatures whose smiles don’t fade despite their futures being filled quite literally with shit. Jolly dancing flowers parade about happily proclaiming their joy on each square of these things and for a few seconds you feel just a bit happier to have sat down on your porcelain throne.

That’s all fine and dandy but when things that we generally associate with scratching start turning up on paper meant to be put into contact with delicate areas, our smiles can quickly fade into confused frowns. Seriously; who on earth came up with the idea to put dog paws on toilet paper? When a person sits down on the toilet, the absolute last things they end up contemplating are dog paws. What’s next; Fascinating images of cat claws and razor blades?

3) Luxury

There is comfort (albeit moderate or even ample comfort at that) and then there is luxury. The two are not the same thing. One is meant to be used only by rich Arabian Sultans, British Royalty and Donald Trump whilst the other is the sort of thing us average Joes can splurge on at the local market.

Five-ply toilet paper is certainly comfy on the backside and by the standards of most people, quite excessive. Those who can afford true luxury probably don’t stoop that low (not even to do their business) ever. No, those who live fully and truly in the lap of luxury most likely don’t use paper at all. They probably wipe their asses with corrugated satin rolls or something in a room heated by a slow burning fire fueled with hundred-dollar bills. Therefore, calling the former “luxurious” is clearly nothing more than a colossal understatement.

4) Recycled

Let’s just face a few facts here, ok? Nobody gives a hoot about how many trees are being saved if the product of used paper being recycled into toilet paper looks and feels like a brown cat’s tongue.

Commercial: “By the time you’re done with this artsy-fartsy stuff, your behind will look like you tried to clean up with a fingernail file, but the rainforest will still be intact!”

See? You don’t want that do you? Make the choice. Do you want to make sure toucans have a place to rest their massive beaks or do you want your backside to exist in the near future? You might as well just get the good stuff and accept the fact that your butt is totally calling the shots in your life.