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It’s a spring miracle: I’m working on a post while Avery is awake! This is only possible because every time she comes over and “asks” to be picked up, I do indeed pick her up but then immediate start filing her nails, which she hates. So she’s keeping her distance for now. Mom of the year!

Easter-ing indoors, as is the Seattle way

We had a pretty good Easter weekend. One highlight was a child free trip to IKEA (my mother in law was in town and watched Avery). It was a pretty glorious excursion and we got a ton of crap for the twins’ room. My approach to their nursery is amusingly different from what I did for Avery’s. Avery’s room color: picked the perfect VOC free paint. Twins’ room color: color from the last owners looks fine to me! Avery’s room art: ordered stuff online and spent a ridiculous amount on professional framing. Twins’ room art: IKEA prints are cute enough I guess. Avery’s crib: found a charming mid century modern-ish crib via some blog I followed. Twins’ cribs: IKEA’s $99 option seems legit. Etc. etc. Sorry, twins. There are a lot of hand me down clothes in your futures, too, so get used to the neglect now.

Getting weird off IKEA espresso

Easter weekend also featured a dinner out, sans kid, for Will’s birthday. We went to Girin and ordered the tasting menu, which was reasonably priced and delicious. It’s a Korean restaurant, so meat and veggie heavy, so I didn’t feel totally disgusting afterward which was a nice bonus. If I overeat these days, the food and baby in stomach combo makes me feel like I’m going to die.

Next notable life happening: family trip to Kauai in about a week. Six hours on a plane with an 18 month old seems pretty scary. I plan to get through it by imagining how much more terrible flying will be with three small children instead of just the one.

I am a stay at home mom. A housewife. A homemaker. So retro! My feelings about my role vary dramatically.

After six plus years at the same PR firm I was feeling burned out, bored, and frustrated. I told myself corporate America was not for me. That I didn’t need the validation of a title and paycheck to feel fulfilled. So I am not working now, and my “job” is to watch my kid and do household-y type stuff. Mixed emotions abound.

Freezer contents for handy meal prepping

“Stay at home mom” doesn’t feel like an impressive title. I’m a rarity, at least among my immediate friend group and broader circle of Seattle-based peers. I often feel in some way deficient: why didn’t a have a career worth continuing? Sometimes, being at home seems like my default because I couldn’t figure out something more worthwhile or sufficiently lucrative. Too often, I beat on myself over this. My negative mental loop reads something like: Anyone can watch a kid. Kids are resilient. A chimpanzee could do it. Avery doesn’t really need me-she would likely be better off in professionally trained hands. Etc.

Typical mom shit

As a feminist, I have some issues with my current situation. The fact that my husband works and I do his laundry feels a little gross and uncomfortable to me sometimes. There are gender issues at play here. Would my husband stay home with Avery if I had the more lucrative career? Why might it be an easier decision for a woman to stay home than it would be for a man? I am also leery of feeling fiscally dependent on someone else. And, I feel guilty for not contributing financially to our situation and placing that entire burden squarely on my husband.

Job perk: mediocre fast food milkshakes without judgment

Stay at home mom-ing can be really boring. Its monotonous and entails a lot of menial work. Sometimes I feel unfulfilled. I would like to think that I am relatively intelligent and have more to offer than wiping a butt and cutting food into small pieces. Achieving something other than meal planning and grocery shopping for the week would feel pretty good. I was driving to an errand the other day, passed a woman in a business suit and heels, and the gut stab of envy was palpable.

Other job perk: hanging out with this one

Despite all of this bitching, I also feel pretty lucky. I appreciate that I don’t have to deal with office related bullshit. I recognize that most people I know find their jobs stressful, or boring, or draining, or all three. I know that my ability to forgo working speaks to my privilege-most people have to work. Or, have to stay home because they can’t work and afford full time child care. The choice I’ve made is a luxury. And my crock pot skills have come quite a long way.

So I’m having twins this summer. WT fucking fuck? There I was at the OBGYN, knowing I was knocked up but expecting to see just ONE baby on the ultrasound. I knew the one anticipated baby would be challenging, given I already have a toddler, but I figured I could more or less handle ONE additional child and was generally excited. TWO babies, as the doctor quickly announced were floating within the confines of my uterus, is an entirely different proposition.

TWO. BABIES.

I have numerous fears and anxieties about this development, which I don’t really feel like listing here, because I am trying to remain positive and not let myself spin down a crippling panic vortex. Not productive! Basically, my current womb situation is a great lesson in learning to let go of what you can’t control. If you worry about an outcome and it actually happens (unlikely), you will suffer twice! Yeah, all of that stuff. I’m being really zen about this shit. At least right now. Check in with me later this evening when I’m sobbing to my husband and shoving Girl Scout cookies down my gullet (Thin Mints are for basics, btw. Team Samoas, Tagalongs and Dosidos all the way).

Not Helpful

What Yo Do When You’re Having Two is a book I immediately purchased and read, because I am really good at impulse purchasing Amazon’s most popular PRIME eligible result for any given search string. It was very little help, do not buy this book. My two takeaways: 1. Since the author’s infant twins stopped breathing in her home a total of FIVE TIMES my babies will probably die. 2. A staggering 85% of twin mothers experience postpartum depression. So I have that to look forward to! Also, this book was completely devoid of helpful advice for parents how already have one (or more) children and are expecting twins. Instead the author made really supportive statements like “if you already have a child and are having twins, you deserve a medal!” Wow, thanks so much. I’ll keep that mind when I’m having a complete nervous breakdown in about nine months once I’m dealing with two newborns and a two year old. Amazon fail!

Can we get this one? Via amateuridiotprofessionaldad

Anyway, in other fun news we’ve decided to purchase a minivan, which is something I had always sworn I would never, ever do after becoming a parent. But following much debate and some tears (who cries over minivans? Pregnant me, apparently), I’m pretty sure it’s the sensible thing to do. I think we are getting one with AWD and leather seats at least, so maybe we are still a little cool? Ugh, I really just typed that.

I’ve been getting into the holiday spirit, which means decorating, overeating, non cheesy Christmas music, and wine. Good times!

Although she won’t remember this holiday season, Avery will be able to enjoy it at least a little bit, as opposed to last year when she was pretty much just a lump. In holiday experiences thus far, she was pretty into the cookie I let her sample. I think we will skip the Santa photo ordeal this year because I really don’t feel like dealing with it, but we may go check out the gingerbread houses at the Sheraton.

Yum

Back to the cookies: if you like ginger, these are amazing. I made them and then ate an embarrassing number of them in one day. Then I tried to get my husband to take the rest of them to work, but he wouldn’t, so I hid them in the pantry to protect me from myself. #issues.

In other news, Avery is now napping once a day in the afternoon, which means weekend brunch is back on the agenda. Including brunch at Fat’s Chicken and Waffles, which we can walk to from our house.

Hell yes

Look at that amazingness. Highly recommended when you want what our household refers to as fatbrunch. Avocado toast/brunch salads/green juice = not an option here.

To combat the cookie binges/superfluous gravy consumption/excessive wine drinking going down as of late, I’ve really upped my tea game and have been trying to swap wine and dessert for tea several evenings a week. These are all pretty delicious and as a bonus, I can take them to bed without risking crumbs and the wrath of my husband.

I wear a form of stretchy pants at least four out of seven days in any given week so maybe I’m not the best person to give advice on how not to look like shit. I also wear sweats, as in a legit men’s sweatsuit composed of a matching hoodie and extremely baggy pants. Point being, I’m not here to judge anyone.

I do, however, notice that when I put a small amount of effort into my appearance, I tend to feel better about life. And I do mean a SMALL amount. Here are some things I try to do when the showering once a week and wearing pants I slept in routine starts to wear me down.

Pants that aren’t stretchy! They do have holes tho oops

Easy Swaps
I am a ride or die Ugg wearer, deal with it. Uggs are easy, comfortable, and I actually like the silhouette. Yet sometimes real shoes are a good idea. So I bought these Chelsea boots from Nordstrom:

SHOES

Stylish but painless to wear: they pull on. Not suede, so they won’t get totally fucked in the Seattle rain. I try to swap out my trusty Uggs for them a couple times a week. Other possible easy swaps I try to make when I am feeling dumpy: oversized sweater instead of sweatshirt, a more structured legging rather than my ratty old ones, throwing on a real coat instead of my husband’s parka. Baby steps.

Avery wreaking general havoc per usual

The 15 Minute Rule
I’m the one who gets up with Avery in mornings. My husband works, and I’m home, so that’s just the way we roll. But I’ve started forcing dadpants to get up with enough time to allow me a brief stint to myself so I can get ready for the day. Being able to shut the bathroom door and spend some time on myself without needing to simultaneously prevent Avery from flushing the toilet repeatedly, accidentally ingesting toothpaste etc. makes a lot of difference in terms of my AM mindset. Bonus for everyone: I actually brush my teeth in the mornings now! And sometimes even floss them.

Kate Moss is my #momgoals

Embrace An Aesthetic That Works for You
My goal is cool rocker/tomboy mom. This is really easy because all my clothes are gray and black anyway, and my hair looks like crap so I can wear beanies and it works. I can throw on my trusty leather jacket over black yoga pants, maybe wear an ankle boot, and I have created an easy, comfortable, practical getup that also makes me feel like a decent human being. It becomes a uniform and then I don’t really have to think about it. As an overthinker, not thinking about shit sometimes is clutch for my sanity. If the rocker/tomboy mom isn’t you, there are a million other ways to go. Bohemian? Maxi dress and cardigan or army jacket. Glamorous? Knee high flat boots and hoop earrings. I’ve also found little, easy additions like a couple rings, or a scarf, or a cuff bracelet can help me feel more put together. Also, everyone knows this already, but dry shampoo. All day every day.

Sometimes you buy a house and then start renovating it and then are on a budget and have to stop buying clothes for a while. This seems more bearable given that it’s summer and I can get away with wearing the same maxi dress and my trusty Birkenstocks constantly and pretending I am bohemian chic when really I just am unshowered with messy hair. I’ve been really good about not doing any shopping, but, per usual, the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale is calling to me. Damn you Nordstrom! Here is what I’d be buying if not for my self imposed shopping freeze.

Vince coat

I “need” a new coat for fall/winter and I’m feeling this one. I like the drape, I like the length, and I like that it could be dressed up or down. Even though as dressed up as I am likely to get all winter will probably be a sweater dress or actual pants in lieu of leggings.

rag & bone ankle bootie

I think it’s time to upgrade my $30 super cheap looking “vegan” leather ankle booties. I may even opt for a camel or gray bootie. I’m trying to venture beyond black, into the exciting world of non-black neutrals. Baby steps. Color still kinda scares me.

Rebecca Minkoff satchel

I haven’t purchased a new bag in a couple years, and my most recent bag purchase entailed a faux leather (aka plastic) tote from Urban Outfitters that I use as a diaper bag #momglamour. A mom-ish but stylish bag would be a lovely fall purchase. Even though the bottom would no doubt soon be blanketed with stale Cheerio dust and other mysterious, vaguely disgusting substances. This Rebecca Minkoff tote could stash a fair amount of baby crap but also looks pretty cool and isn’t black. A winner!

Apparently I’ve taken a casual 7 month plus break from blogging. Babies are hard! Also, we moved, which was somewhat of a debacle (hot tip: avoid taking out a Chase Bank loan if you can help it). Those are my excuses.

Nine Months Old!

Avery is now 9 months old, and as of last week, crawling. Scary! She isn’t very fast, yet. And she hasn’t tried to stick things in electrical outlets, fall down stairs, or pull over furniture, yet. Phew.

I have been feeling the need for a creative outlet so I’m going to put forth a solid effort to blog at least once a week. Hopefully not just about baby related what nots. Maybe some exciting home renovation updates, too! A couple dudes are hammering away upstairs as we speak.

Anyway, happy summer even though Seattle has been shafting us in the sun and heat department for the last month or so. Here’s to a reinvigorated blogging effort.

I’ve never been a napper (unless passing out in front of the TV at 9PM counts- I’m really good at that). During the first sleep deprived months after she was born, I sucked at napping when Avery napped. Her naps were incredibly inconsistent for at least three months so it was hard for me to really let go and sleep because I knew she could wake up at any moment.

Now that Avery *usually* wakes up only once at night and *usually* naps for about an hour at a time, I’m *usually* not a total zombie. However, I am still tired a lot so I’ve been thinking about cultivating napping as a potential new hobby. Just in time for National Napping Day, which is Friday, March 11 (maybe it should be moved to Sunday, March 13th since we all lose an hour of sleep the night before…ugh).

I’ve made it through the first three months of parenthood, holy shit. The last weeks have been intense. Brutal lows, exhilarating highs. I don’t think I’ve ever learned so much in such a brief stretch of time. A few thoughts:

Take help when offered. Seriously. My dad saw me struggling while he was visiting post Avery’s arrival and he offered to pay for some daytime help for me. I felt anxious about inviting a stranger into my home and almost turned down his offer. WHAT WAS I THINKING? Being able to nap a couple times a week while leaving Avery in someone else’s trained hands (we hired a postpartum doula) has been absolutely amazing.

New parents will likely receive less specific offers of help, e.g. “what can I do?” Keep a list of things people can do for you. Have someone buy you groceries, walk your dog, do laundry, hold the baby while you shower, make you a sandwich, cook you a bunch of something you can freeze…If you are offering help to a new parent, offer to do something specific! Or just drop off food or a gift certificate to a restaurant that delivers.

Yawn? Or scream?

It’s impossible understand, pre baby, how different things will be, and in what ways. One example: I went to Costco alone last week while Will watched Avery and it was a blissful escape. I hit horrific traffic en route and welcomed the delay. Lame but true.

Don’t pay much attention to timelines/dates. This was an important lesson for me to learn. I initially clung to any timeline oriented tip I heard, thinking, at six weeks she’ll start getting less fussy! Not so much. Then: At three months everything evens out! Guess what, Avery still has terrible days/nights pretty much weekly. Every newborn is different and from what I can tell, few are super consistent in all of their habits. They also constantly evolve and change. It’s trite, but I try to take things a day at a time. This has helped me avoid feeling like a parenting failure/that there is something wrong with my child.

Naked time

It might take a while to feel bonded to your baby. I had heard this before giving birth but I didn’t fully internalize it. Then, when I didn’t necessarily feel an instantaneous all consuming love for Avery, I felt extremely guilty. But seriously, your baby is an unfamiliar being that doesn’t reciprocate your affection: it can take some time to feel strongly connected, and that is normal.

This face though

Parenting a baby is really fucking hard. This past three months has been one of the hardest periods of my life. And if I hear one more anecdote about so and so’s easy baby who never cries and slept through the night at three weeks old I’m going to throat punch someone.

But it does get easier. Not all at once and not very fast (for me, at least), but it does get easier, and it’s well worth the rough patches.

Overall, I was lucky and Avery’s birth went pretty smoothly. (MAYBE IT WAS THE DATES I ATE). By my due date, September 25th, I still wasn’t experiencing any labor symptoms and my OB decided she wanted to induce at 42 weeks as long as the baby and I remained healthy until then. We were doing regular fetal non-stress tests (NSTs) and everything looked just fine so I feel like I could have pushed back and insisted on waiting a little longer. But, I was generally feeling ready (i.e. super antsy and impatient) and the date worked out: my OB was scheduled to work on the date of the induction so if I didn’t go into labor on my own before that, she’d likely be the one to deliver Avery (typical of a lot of OBGYN practices, I would get whichever of the OBs was on the day I gave birth).

At my NST two days before the 42 week mark, I was having contractions, but I couldn’t feel them. I lost some of my mucus plug around then, too, but nothing else was really happening, so we checked into Swedish First Hill at 8pm on October 8th. It was a little anticlimactic as I had been prepared to labor for quite a while at home. I’d assembled coconut water and snacks, made a list of yoga poses to try, and DVRed lots of Jeopardy episodes, thinking that would be a good distraction from contractions. Oh well.

BABY!

I was pretty nervous about being induced, having heard lots of stories of inductions dragging on with no progress and ending in C sections due to fetal stress. My OB had warned me that an induction would boost my chances of a C section from about 10% to about 20-30%.

After checking in and taking blood and putting in an IV line and other assorted medical type things, they gave me a round of misoprostol to try and soften my cervix, and encouraged me to try and sleep. The contractions slowly intensified to the point that I could feel them. At some point they gave me a second dose of misoprostol. I still wasn’t dilated past like 1 cm or so but the contractions were strong enough that they didn’t give me any pitocin. They did however give me an Ambien which helped me sleep between the contractions, until about 3 or 4am when they became so intense I could no longer sleep.

Baby w Burrito

Somewhere around 5am I made Will wake up as shit was getting pretty painful and I needed the moral support. The contractions felt like really intense pelvic and lower back cramps/spasms. The most painful thing I’ve ever felt, for sure. Eventually I got into the jacuzzi tub in my room and hung out in there. The tub, counting through the contractions, and trying my best to breathe through them, was was got me through. And a lot of bracing with my arms against the walls of the tub which the very no-nonsense nurse kept admonishing me not to do. My guns were really sore the next day. The staff also gave me a couple doses of fentanyl, which just lets you get into kind of a weird zone in between the contractions that relaxes you a little but doesn’t do that much for the actual pain.

At some point, maybe around 8am or so, my water broke in the tub and at 10ish I decided I couldn’t deal anymore and wanted an epidural. The staff didn’t measure how dilated I was but I guess they could tell it was fine to hook me up with an epidural given the breaking of the water and the intensity of the contractions.

The anesthesiologist took his sweet time getting there and I felt a little desperate by the time he arrived. I then waited out a couple brutal back to back contractions since I didn’t feel like I could hold still through them. Though the epidural needle is indeed huge and scary they numb you before inserting it and besides a tiny pinch from the numbing, I didn’t feel a thing. Within like 20-30 minutes I couldn’t feel anything from the waist down which was amazing. I’m totally pro epidural-it was fantastic and I can’t imagine going through labor without one. I slept and ate Haribo gummy bears (you can only have shit like gummy bears or popsicles post epidural-real food was allowed earlier but I couldn’t bring myself to eat anything. I was actually really nauseous for much of early labor and puked a bunch of times which I did not expect).

By 12pm ish my OB came and checked on me and I was fully dilated and at 2:30 I started pushing. I was able to push really well somehow despite not being able to feel shit. I pushed for an hour (3 pushes with every contraction) and the environment was extremely chill-Will and I were talking to the nurse and doctor about, like, wine tasting, and how we met in college, and other random chit chatty things. Avery hung through labor like a champ, and after an hour, she was born and placed on my chest. Will admirably overcame his fear of blood and cut the cord. I had a couple superficial tears and just needed a couple stitches here and there. Avery was only 7lbs 3oz which I am sure helped with this, and probably all the squats and kegels I did while pregnant didn’t hurt either.

Recovery was pretty smooth though I was definitely sore for a few days. But in all, labor went really well and I feel extremely lucky. Swedish, my OB, and the rest of the staff were fantastic and it was a great experience overall. Way smoother and faster than expected. Life with a newborn? Definitely NOT smoother than expected. More on that later…