Currently – 9/6/19 (Friend, Pain, Future)

For me its difficult to know when someone really cares or wants to talk to me. For more content I wrote something two posts ago, if memory serves correct, about my grandfather. If we become friends I’ll want to talk to you for hours upon hours almost non stop. If I could stop myself from needing to do everything in life just to talk to you I would. Obviously, and unfortunately, not everyone else feels the same way. There’s this disconnect where I sometimes forget that and think that someone who is just living their life and doing everything they can to survive is actually making a conscious decision to avoid talking to me. This was the main reason why I inadvertently said something bad against someone I care about.

Today I received a surprise message from them from out of the blue asking to talk over the phone. This was the first time I ever heard this person cry. This person who was so kind and loving and amazing in every way was in tears on the other end. I did my best to help her but I’m never sure if I’m ever doing things right. I wanted to cry with them too but I knew that they needed someone strong at that moment. I wanted nothing more than to embrace them and take all of their pain away, even if I had to suffer for it. I don’t think she would appreciate me giving any information on what happened so I will decline to describe the situation.

I really want some advice on how to help her but that of course would entail saying what happened and I’m not going to betray her trust. I want to know the perfect thing that’s going to make all of this feel better so she can never experience pain like this again. At this point I feel like all I can do is just be there with her and do my best to take care of her needs no matter what that means. Complicating matters is that I’m going to start school on Monday which will drastically limit the time we can talk. Part of me wants to just cancel the classes and spend all my time just being present for her but that’s not sensible and I’m sure she wouldn’t want that.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my future. Where I want to go, what I have to do to get there and what I want to be there when I am there. I already know where I want to go and what I want to be there but not how to get there. Not really sure how to put that. I guess its like you’re going on a trip to a destination but you don’t have any transportation or money for food. Maybe I can get a stable, well paying job from this class and be able to save enough money to get there. This could be the beginning of the rest of my life. To put it lightly I’m terrified but excited.