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THE NEW YORKER, JUNE 30, 2014
out, 'If you really like her, why are you here
and she's there?'
"He looked down at his scu ed shoes,
and his cheeks reddened. He explained
that there were things he 'had to do' in
Syracuse, but that he was going back once
he finished his work. He hoped she'd wait
for him. He smiled at me and said, 'Do
you think time and space matter?'
"I wasn't sure what to say, it seemed
such a stupid question.
" 'Yes,' I said.
"He smiled. 'Then maybe they do,' he
said gently. 'For you.'
"He pulled a photograph from his
pocket. It was color, but so faded that I
couldn't see an image---just a form.
"I said she was pretty.
"For lack of better topics, and because
I'm interested in these things---how peo-
ple develop emotions and make the ab-
surd decision to spend their whole life
with one probably actually disgusting and
not very intelligent person---I asked how
they'd met, and he told me that she was a
freshman in high school when he was a
senior, and that she'd been dating his
younger brother. His eyebrows lifted. 'You
can't tell by looking at me,'he said. 'But my
brother has blond hair and blue eyes. I'm
the dark one in my family.' He frowned.
He'dhadtodoalotofworktogethis
fiancée away from his brother, he said, be-
cause she'd found his brother incredibly
handsome.When I asked what he'd done,
he said, 'Oh, just the usual: took her out a
lot, invented surprise-adventure treats,
and told her a lot of bad jokes. Persistence.'
"He peered o into the woods behind
my house.
"That was the last time I saw him.
"When Paul graduated from the
program, he said he might move
to D.C. and work as a reporter. I was dev-
astated, because I'd imagined he would
stay in Syracuse. When I suggested it, he
looked away. He said since I didn't plan to
be with him long-term there was no rea-
son for him to stay.
"I'd told him frankly, when it came up,
that I had no interest in marrying him. I
had no interest in marriage at all. I sup-
pose that, like many people, I lacked a
good model. Marriage seemed a bad
deal: the man cheated, and the woman
got fat. Also, I'd never met anyone I liked
enough to want to marry; also, I wasn't
attracted to Paul.
"I knew I was selfish to want him to
stay, just to help me with my work. But
whenever I wrote a story he knew
whether it was good or bad, and, when it
was bad, he told me exactly how to fix it.
Also, I'd never had the kind of friendship
and support I got from him.
"We stood in my dining room. He
asked me, point blank, if I wanted to be
with him long-term. I knew that if I said
'No,' or 'Not sure,' he'd leave.
"I hesitated.
"He turned away.
"I panicked.
" 'Wait,' I said.
"My mother was cold, but whenever
she wanted someone to do something for
her she gave gifts.
"Paul waited.
"I went into my bedroom and grabbed
the tourmaline.The stone sparkled. I had
some jewellers' boxes, and I slipped the
ring in one. I brought the box to Paul and
held it out.
"I said that I'd been meaning to give it
to him, as a symbol of my fondness for
him, and that I hoped he'd stay.
"He seemed impressed. He put it on.
He said he'd stay.
"I suggested we get a nicer apartment.
But Paul decided that he liked my flat. So
he moved into the pink house.
"Paul quit smoking weed. He swore o
Taps and spent days in the second
bedroom---now his o ce---but his novel
never progressed. He had taken a posi-
tion working in the warehouse at the
air-conditioner factory in town, and he
complained that it took all his energy. But
he also stayed up every night until 4 A.M.
watching movies, and each morning
when I opened the freezer I found that a
large carton of Breyer's ice cream that had
been full the night before was now half
empty.We went on walks together during
which he didn't speak, or else ranted
about the crooked Republican govern-
ment. When his mother called, he didn't
pick up. I guessed that his pot-smoking
habit had masked depression; or that liv-
ing with me depressed him; or that de-
pression was the inevitable result of living
in Syracuse.
"He claimed he was 'fine'; but some-
times he said his head hurt, and that
he couldn't concentrate; however, this
seemed natural for a writer. We seldom
had sex; but that was natural, I guessed,
for a couple who'd moved in together.
"I'd thought Paul and I were similar---
agnostic, liberal. But one afternoon, a few
months after moving in, he asked how
many men I'd slept with in my life. I
trusted him, so I gave an honest answer.
That is, an honest estimate. He'd never
said he thought having sex was immoral,
so I was shocked by his response: he
wiped his brow and said, 'Really?' Then
his eyes glistened. I was concerned. It was
his birthday, and we'd invited friends over
for the evening. I'd baked a cake, and
guests were about to arrive.
"I asked what was wrong. 'Are you
O.K.?' I said, and tried to hug him.
"Abruptly, he said he had to go buy
beer for our guests. I said I'd bought beer;
he answered that I hadn't bought enough.
When our guests arrived, Paul hadn't re-
turned. Eventually, someone reported
that he was at the bar, on a bender.
"I forgave him for that night, or he
me---but I felt betrayed. I'd seldom expe-
rienced such revulsion directed my way,
and I felt vulnerable, as I had when I was
a child. I saw him now as I had initially---
his face and body so viscerally pink, like
underdone pork loin.
"When I stopped sleeping with him,
he didn't seem to care. I thought he'd
cheat on me, but he left the house now
only to work at the factory.
"I thought he'd leave. But he didn't. I'd
published some stories in national maga-
zines---almost entirely because of his en-
couragement, plot ideas, edits, and, often,
insertions of missing paragraphs---and
Paul soon informed me excitedly that I
was now eligible to apply for tenure-track
teaching jobs. I must apply, he said. If he
could, he would. It was an honor, the
chance of a lifetime.
"All year, Paul had worked and paid
our rent. Because of this, he said, he'd
been unable to write. If I got a ten-
ure-track job, I thought, I could support
us, and Paul could finish his novel. So I
applied for jobs. Paul organized the whole
thing, printing out the list from the
M.L.A.Web site, highlighting ads I qual-