The National Affairs Desk of Glorious Noise

In the aftermath of last year's hurricane devestation on the eastern seaboard, there was some talk of the storms being God's retribution for the rampant debauchery that lends New Orleans its fame. Of course, there was no explanation for why poor, humble Mississippi was Godsmacked, but perhaps it was just collateral damage? The question now is, what has Iowa done to anger God?

The Midwest has been pummeled by tornados over the last few weeks. Just last night saw tornados tearing up turf and town in Iowa, including heavy damage to the University of Iowa and St. Patrick's Catholic Church in downtown Iowa City. But why? There are no Mardis Gras celebrations or 24-hour chicken and beer shacks in Des Moines. The fine citizens of Ames do not barter beads for breasts. There isn't even any good music in Iowa!

But Iowa does have corn, lots and lots of corn.

Does God hate corn? Maybe. Recent studies have shown 92% of heavy drug users have at some point in their lives also eaten corn. Is corn a gateway to heavy drug use? Worse still, nearly 100% of known homosexuals also eat corn on a regular basis. Does corn have a gay agenda? Michael Moore has been photographed eating corn more than a dozen times. And we all know God hates Michael Moore.

Since this event happened in my metro area, I feel the need to comment. First of all, the tornado path hit Wal-Mart first. The downtown devastation was just collateral damage after God originally targeted Smiley's House of Shit. The mouthbreathers were out in full force after the twister, beer in hand, gawking like Iowa idiots at the damage. This ain't no party, fuckers, lend a hand.
Secondly, The Mill was damaged, which means that Riviera may have to play The Reverb in Cedar Falls until it's fixed. And that, my friends, is just as scary as an F2 tornado. And finally, "there isn't even any good music in Iowa." There was at one time, D. Before you even knew The Smiths existed, a few of us were paving the way for you to play in such landmark venues like, uh, The Reverb. Actually, the venues back then aren't even around today (except for Gabes, which is for sale and The Mill which really didn't book a lot of rock acts back then) so, nevermind...BUT, the lead singer of Mr. Mister was born in my hometown and God loved that "Broken Wings" song. It's in the Bible.