"The mark of an immature man is that he would die knobly for a cause. The mark of a mature man is that he would live humbly for one" - Catcher in the Rye
-WARNING WRITER SPELLING CHALLENGED! But Sometimes you have to say "what the fuck!"

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Redneck sexin and pawnshop video cameras

The Local PawnshopOn a trip to the local pawnshop I decided I needed a video camera. You know, to cash in on the home porn thang or film various other life events as they wiz by. Being trashy poor, I thought the pawnshop would be the best place to find a camera. Ide had good luck there in the past with TV’s and VCR’s. The pawnshop I frequent is the more upscale kind, sort of like a Supermarket, glass shelves, bright lights, neon signs, and less emphasis on guns (though Im sure they sell them behind the glass counter). Being a military town/redneck utopia pawnshops in this area get a lot of business. You can find anything at the pawnshop from electrical appliances to 200 dollar vibrators.

Bling, Bling... a free videotapeAfter checking out the bling bling selection, I picked out a handy video camera for $50. It was small, cute, and seemed to be working quite well. It was mine. As I was purchasing the camera, the clerk with heavy make-up and long Lee press on nails tells me “look this one comes with a tape”. Cool, I thought, now I don’t need to buy one to get started.

Home moviesI pressed play on the recorder too see what was on the tape through the viewfinder. The tape had not been previously blank, but someone had taped over whatever was on it with a blue screen highlighting the phrase “Happy Father Day”. What the heck, I thought and rewound the blank tape to begin my own home movie adventure. We started videotaping military battleships, groups of howling sailors, redneck vehicles and other local sites. With a video camera the possibilities were endless.

Surprise...As I was rewinding our days worth of amateur movie making, I noticed that there was a catch in the beginning of the tape. The tape stopped at what seemed like the beginning, but if you hit rewind a couple times it actually rewound a little further. What I found at the beginning of the tape surprised the shit out of me. When the previous owner attempted to tape over what had been recorded on the tape, they didn’t cover up the very beginning. I couldn’t believe what a score this video camera actually was!

Ba-Da-Boom-Ba-Da-BingI hooked up the video camera to the TV to get the full effect of this video prize. To my horror and hysterical delight appeared a naked redneck on the screen. Sitting on an ugly green couch, near a coffee table littered with empty Bud Light Beer cans, and an ashtray with a lit cigarette, was a Nekid long haired, mullet headed redneck… and he was touchin himself. YUCK! It was like a bad train wreck, I had to watch. The best part was that the redneck was talking to the person holding the camera, and it wasn’t a woman. The cameraman zooms in and out on the rednecks spankin little monkey while he is obviously getting warmed up and in the mood for sexin. The tape stops for a second and cuts to the second redneck. Now he is nekid and the camera is focusing on a close-up of him in live action. He is hairier and whiter then the first redneck, and it looks as if he is having some problems in the erection department (too much speed???). The tape then cuts back to the first redneck, and he is going at it, and making a disgusting groaning sound reminiscent from a scene in deliverance. The tape then stops abruptly, as becomes the blue screen and happy fathers day message.

Rednecks and DeliveranceI laughed so hard I cried… and then showed all my friends (and some strangers too). I couldn’t believe these rednecks left a tape of themselves masturbating. I also couldn’t believe these hardcore rednecks were taping each other in the act. What else did they do to each other nekid that the tape covered up with the Fathers Day message?

Blog This!You know I would love to post the tape on the Internet for all to see. What pisses me off the most however, isn’t the fact that two guys are touchin themselves and videotaping it, it’s the fact that these two rednecks are probably homophobic. These same rednecks probably beat up effeminate locals and harass openly gay and lesbian persons. Its like that movie, American Beauty, the most homophobic psychopath is really scared of what is inside them. I would love to OUT these homophobic rednecks and splash their hairy and ugly ass selves in the act of being “very gay”. Maybe if I ever get good with technology I will do that, any suggestions?
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I wish you could post it...ooooh I have such a sicko sense of humor! It's a nasty rainy night herein Georgia...I could really use some rednecks beating themselves into a frenzy...oh what a laugh I would get out of that!Are you gonna do a story on the forum? Please please...I hate begging!

Okay, I tried to resist, but I couldn't fight the power of the dark side. I threw in the towel and put a link to you on my site. I don't get much traffic, but I will, as a dutiful servant of your dark powers, send whatever unwitting victims that stumble onto my site your way. Just be gentle. And seek counseling. If I knew how to put up one of those winkie things, I would. Adios.

I'm always last to comment. Downunder you know. I was sleeping when you all were enjoying yourselves. Well there you go. You live a much more interesting life than me. I am preparred to be shocked. VG, thanks for droping by my site. Appreciated. Read soon.

Hey!! I'm all for the vid! LOL!!! I'm considered a redneck, but I could care less about it. What gets me is they left the vid in the cam and took the cam to the pawn shop...seems they were just asking to be outed...I'm thinking you should find a friend who could put it up on the web for ya and link to it...just for the hell of it! Hell, I'll even link to it! Lets give these guys the "fame" they asked for! :P What'd'ya say?

WTF?!! That's just downright HIGH-larious!! Two redneck homophobic mullet-sportin' Bud-LIGHT-drinkin' pasty hairy wankers on speed doin' the deed for each other. Lawdy! I pert near pissed me panties I was laughing so hard! I am a-gonna put a link fer ya Vadergrrrl on my bloggity blog blog, because I definitely need to be checkin' in with you a little more often!

Hmm... do you think they were having a contest to see who could spurt first?

last summer at work this guy used to call us two or so times a week. said he was from this very small redneck town renowned for cock-fighting and othr asinine pasttimes. wanted to know if we had any 'fine black men' around for him to drive up and "meet"(its about a four hour drive to where we are) 'cuz he 'had a taste for the black men'....he turns up one day (mullett, beer gur, plaid shirt, beer advertisment undershirt) scouting for the black men and begged us not to tell his wife back home (as if we knew her,anyway). ended up getting into a fight with some metrosexuals who he thought were homosexuals flirting with him...if i were yu, i'd link that camera up to my comp, create a jpeg of the two redhomos doing it and plaster them around the area of the pawnshop and see what happens...just an idea.love the site, as always!

Ha ha ha, I say you send it in to like a TV Station or some gay pride committee and let them distribute it. Does the owner of the Pawn Shop have like the seller's names or anything? Ha ha ha, this was soooo freakin funny! I like ur last paragraph and I'm sure No Milk would have really liked that paragraph! Take care!

This is one of the best stories I've ever heard. Rednecks! We don't have many up here in Boston and that's just fine with me. Of course, this would only happen to you, Vader. You know why? Because you're the only person in that town who could appreciate the irony (and share it with the rest of us!).