Here Are the Sickest Red-River-Rivalry Burns Traded by the Texas/OU Student Newspapers

Even now, legions of fans are descending on the State Fair for the legendary (and lopsided) match-up between the Big 12's bitterest rivals. But before the cries of "Texas Fight!" and the invalid moaning of "Boooomer" carom through the Cotton Bowl, the schools' respective editorial boards traded some good-natured barbs. And some really shitty-natured ones.

"It seems a little unfair, though, that all the revenue generated by the game each year should be in Texas. In fact, we thought about offering to have the game at the Oklahoma State Fair this year. But then again, why would we want to travel hundreds of miles just to see the fattest cows in the state when you already bring them to Dallas every year?"

I award the above paragraph the title of Sickest Burn.

"Of course, we do send a pretty large sum of money to OU every year in the form of out-of-state tuition from the thousands of Texas-born Sooners. But really, thank you for opening your doors to all those Texas high schoolers who were too dumb to get into a real school but too proud to go to a community college; they can only fit so many in Lubbock."

"And if some unfathomable chain of events causes us to lose the game on Saturday, then you can save this article to rub in our faces next year. Perhaps you'll hang it up somewhere in your double-wide; there should be a nice spot between your NASCAR commemorative plates and that picture from the time you saw Josh Heupel at Applebee's. It's currently occupied by your University of Oklahoma diploma, but let's be honest, you weren't using that, anyway."

For the record, the chain of events leading to a Texas loss will not be in any way unfathomable.

"At least your charity commitment to the McCoy family is almost through, though. Are the McCoys holding Bill Powers' family hostage or something? You don't have to answer that out loud, just blink once for yes and twice for no."

"We know you're supposed to be a 'smart school, but with the downward turn your football program has taken in the past few years, you'll excuse us for thinking you might need a little help."

"Math might be a little hard for you right now, so we'll break it down for you. If you guys were to double your national championships, you would still be short of Oklahoma's seven. It's all right. If it weren't for bad teams like you, good programs like ours wouldn't have anyone to entertain us when we're bored."

I know you guys are journalists and journalists generally suck at math, but last time I checked, Texas had four national championships. Am I wrong about this? In my opinion, the burn's sickness is greatly diminished by its own inaccuracy.

"And who names their sons Colt and Case, anyway? That's just mean. It's bad enough that Colt's NFL career never took off. At least Case can keep the family business alive stepping in for David Ash. The McCoy parents must be so proud with both their sons being career backups."

"In closing, we would like to say thanks again for some truly great memories over the last three years. We will never forget the 146 points you've let us score in three games or what a half empty Cotton Bowl looks like. Our last meeting left Big Tex burning down out of embarrassment. Hopefully the "new and improved" Big Tex will be better at handling the loss."

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The national championship total is a matter of some debate. In 1970 they won the coaches poll, but not the AP. So even though Texas claims it as a national championship, pretty much nobody else does, as they had to share it with Nebraska and Ohio State.

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As much as I hate this weekend every year as a Dallasite, I hope it never goes away. There is a certain magic to this game at the Cotton Bowl every year. I'm sure Grambling/PV is the same way, I've just never been to that game (though I hope to some day, even if I'm the only cracker in the house).

Back in the Eighties, the cartoonist of the comic "Thadeus and Weez" joked that the reason we had so many brand new and insane state constitutional amendments up for a vote was to drive us crazy and ultimately allow Texas to be assimilated by Oklahoma. This way, OU's football players really WOULD be from Oklahoma.

@DallasSportsPrincess Ha, halftime at Texas/OU is hilarious. Thousands of college kids streaming to the nearest beer stand and pounding them because they can't buy beer in the stadium and their buzz is fading. It's extraordinarily entertaining.

Also entertaining, and I learned this back when I lived in Denton, is the massive stream of Oklahoma license plates that head north on IH-35 as soon as OU loses. A couple times I've seen joyous Texas fans dropping banners taunting the Sooners from the overpasses up in the Denton/Lewisville area.

I could really care less who wins, but the event is quite a spectacle.