Thursday, April 08, 2004

Bill Clinton was opposed to the war in Vietnam and didn’t go. The Republicans called him a draft-dodger and questioned his ability to lead our nation. John Kerry served in Vietnam, but was so horrified by the atrocities he saw committed over there that, upon returning to the States, he became adamantly opposed to the war. The Republicans are calling him a hypocrite and questioning his ability to lead our nation.

So apparently, in order to succeed within the Republican Party, you have to be rabidly pro-war. Actual military experience isn’t required and, indeed, seems to be discouraged. After all, who better to lead us in a time of war than a man who spent about four days on duty in the Texas National Guard?

Apart from Bush’s tour of duty during the Vietnam War, where he fought to keep Galveston Beach safe from Charlie, the current administration is decidedly light in the military background. Cheney managed to avoid active service because he claims he had “other priorities.” Well, you know what, Dick? That’s exactly what Clinton said right before he burned his draft card!

John Ashcroft was too busy teaching to “let the eeeeeeeeaaaaagle sooooaaaar,” and Tom DeLay claims he was unable to enlist because the military ranks were already filled with young men of color, who had volunteered to escape the ghetto. I swear, I’m not making that up.

It looks like the only person in the White House who actually served in the military is Colin Powell, and the rest of them have pretty much treated him like a bitch from Day 1, sending him out for beer and Cheetohs while they sit around in the White Room with Black Curtains and throw darts at a map to see which country is next to be invaded in our “War on Terror.”

It's All About Me

I am a straight white male between the ages of 17 and 44. I’m an Aries and a recovering Baptist. By national standards, I’m moderate in my politics, but by Texas standards I’m somewhere to the left of Lenin. I have a certain boyish charm that makes me irresistible to children, pets, and old people. I’ve grown indifferent towards the night life, and I no longer care to boogie. Like slightly more than 100% of the English majors I know, I’m a writer wannabe who has yet to get published. I am not now, nor have I ever been, “emo.” I have a singing voice that resembles the wailing of damned souls. I am the walrus, kookoo katchoo. I shot the sheriff. But, and I’d like to make this perfectly clear, I did *not* shoot the deputy. I once divided by zero. I used to think I had no discernable Texas accent, but a recent visit to Canada made me realize that I actually sound like goddamn Jethro. I believe the children are the future. And my hobbies include writing slash furry Star Trek fan fiction and sitting on the toilet until my legs fall asleep.