Peter Chianca: Yes I like it, SPAM-I-am

Tuesday

Oct 30, 2007 at 12:01 AMOct 30, 2007 at 8:00 AM

As my regular readers know, I like to reserve this space for tackling only the most pressing issues facing our society today. So in trying to determine this week’s topic, I spent hours perusing the country’s finest periodicals, most timely Web sites and most respected newspapers. That’s when I remembered the two-month-old box of SPAM sitting under a pile of papers on my credenza.

Peter Chianca

As my regular readers know, I like to reserve this space for tackling only the most pressing issues facing our society today. So in trying to determine this week’s topic, I spent hours perusing the country’s finest periodicals, most timely Web sites and most respected newspapers. That’s when I remembered the two-month-old box of SPAM sitting under a pile of papers on my credenza.

Yes, the makers of SPAM sent me this box in August to promote their new “SPAM Singles,” presumably because they realized that people might prefer their SPAM in handy single-serving pouches rather than in a large chunk that, once opened, might devour an entire city before authorities can freeze it and drop it in Antarctica. But don’t worry, the singles still have the same great SPAM ingredients: ham, pork, sugar, salt and water. And the difference between ham and pork? I’m guessing you don’t want to know.

(By the way, the Hormel company likes to use all capital letters when referring to its SPAM products, to differentiate it from spam, the unsolicited commercial e-mail. They’ve apparently accepted the fact that their product name is now being used as a slang term for one of the most annoying things ever invented, but will only sue you if you try to make money from it. So if you send spam about SPAM, you can get into trouble — better stick to spam about enlarging people’s private areas.)

AUDIO: Hear the SPAM taste test

Now, I’d never personally eaten any SPAM, but not because I’m some kind of SPAM snob. I’m the first person to acknowledge the need for convenient, moderately priced and great tasting meat products — this would also explain my support for another food item I’ve never eaten, the Slim Jim (aka the “dried stick of meat”). Besides, what could be better than meat that doesn’t require refrigeration? Especially if you find yourself on maneuvers, or in a bomb shelter.

So I figured the least I could do was try the two-month-old SPAM Single sent to me in a box by the Hormel company. And to help with this I recruited two assistants: my son Tim, 6, and my nephew Jake, 11, both of whom are among the most particular eaters known to man. I won’t go into too much detail about how our taste test went, other than to provide the following actual transcript:

TIM: I’m not eating that! I’m not eating that, Dad!

ME: Do I have to do everything myself?

TIM: Yep.

ME: OK, at least describe to me what you think the look of the SPAM is.

TIM: I’ll describe it, but I’m not eating it. It smells like …

ME: Don’t use any naughty words.

TIM: It smells like, um … cat food!

JAKE: Oh … it does! Oh my God!

TIM: It smells like CAT FOOD!

[General screaming and mayhem.]

And they were right; it did smell a little bit like cat food. Not that that’s necessarily a bad thing. For instance, cats obviously have no problem with it.

So it was left up to me to do the actual tasting, and I have to say that it surprised me. In some ways it tasted like each individual ingredient — the ham, the pork, the sugar, the salt, the water — and in some ways like none of those things. (What was odd was that it felt almost like all my senses were heightened; it’s the way I’ve imagined doing LSD might feel, if LSD were made of ham and pork.) I should note that about three-quarters of the SPAM Single wound up in my two dogs, resulting in wagged tails on both occasions.

OK, not exactly the most productive of taste tests, but if nothing else, the experience confirmed that SPAM remains convenient and moderately priced, if not great tasting (although in its defense, I probably should have added mustard and some Cracker Barrel Extra Sharp Yellow). More importantly, though, it provided me with the opportunity, when presented with the question, “Have you ever eaten SPAM?” to raise my chin and offer a definitive “Yes!”

Now if somebody would just send me a box filled with sticks of meat, I can really get busy.

Peter Chianca is a CNC managing editor and the brains behind “The At Large Blog” (chianca-at-large.blogspot.com) and “The Shorelines Blog” (blogs.townonline.com/shorelines). To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”

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