I'm in Love with This Fake Pussy

A while back, VICE got sent a package of Tenga® male masturbatory aids. They weren’t sure what to do with ‘em, but then remembered that I was the expert on self-pleasuring technology thanks to my experience in prison with Suzy. They felt I had the necessary advanced duck-bucking experience to truthfully and expertly give a refined review of what it’s like to bang a beaver-impostor. This is my experience.

I quit fucking Suzy the day I left prison. I should’ve pawned off Tenga to another ex-con who still loves fuckin’ rubber gloves, and I was going to, but tonight something took ahold of me, ahold of my girth, and it was a case of the Hornies so destructive it culminated with the “Original Vacuum Cup” Tenga suckin’ on my essence as I attempted to pulverize the soft-tube cup design. This thing rips if you stroke it right. I quickly decided I love this woman. I can honestly without a doubt 100 percent declare that if prisons sold Tengas on commissary, the jerk-off novelty purveyors would make millions of moola, and not one stupid inmate would give a rat’s dick about rubber gloves filled with warm water. The only problem is not everyone’s girth is going to fit in this thing without some tearing. I’m shocked by how tight it is around my dizzle. Dudes with fat hogs have no chance at using these things more than a couple times, or they’ll just have to stick to the super-stupid stretchy “Easy Beat Egg” models. If you’ve gotta normal package, don’t barbarically rape Tenga, and possess the discipline to clean up after yourself, one of these jammies might last you 20 to 50 romantic rendezvouses.

I’m a brutally honest man, which is about to get me in trouble. I should never admit that this plastic suction cup slut with soft, slimy, rubber guts feels better than my girl’s own bonerable treasure trove, but it does. Tenga is the best snatch on Earth times 20. Tenga is better than my ridiculously experienced hand, or even the most bonerablessed Suzy I ever crafted. This thing has the unfair advantage of Japanese engineering, which obviously means this is some Pervert Master’s ultimate ejaculatory zenith after probably decades of dick-checking garbage bags, Easter eggs, garbage bags filled with Easter eggs, jelly beans and bunny vaginas, and of course the Japanese delicacy: a trunk filled with high school girls’ sweat and secretion soaked panties. All of that hard work has paid off with this intricately designed, Keith Haring-adorned (to make you feel cultured while you pound a pocket pussy) Tenga cock-suction fucking device.

It might get a little confusing for the uncoordinated who can’t beat their dick and massage her clit at the same time, ‘cause while you’re fucking Tenga, you can finger a blowhole at the top to create suction, and then release it to somewhat simulate when a honey makes that poppin’ noise with her puckered, spit-shined lips and takes her mouth off the dick before re-applying perfect Dyson suck action again as she inhales the hog into her throat. Tenga is the perfect invention for those who, alas, don’t have someone to skillfully suck their baby-maker. If I didn’t have my Suzy for all those years in prison, I probably would’ve hung up and killed myself, and she didn’t even have the slippery magical guts or the suction button to simulate that slurping sensation. As I write this, my dick is still kinda heavy.

After fucking the original soft tube and the Suction Cup Triple AAA Whore Simulator 6000, I moved on to the younger slutty sister model: the “Easy-Beat Egg.” This little egg-shaped rubber goo-ball of fun reminds me of the “Super-Suzy,” which is the version of Suzy made with a toilet paper roll stripped of the cardboard tube and a lubrication-soaked latex glove covering the hole so when you fuck the hole, the TP roll stretches out and molds to your Johnson. Similarly, this egg design attaches to your John HamCock snugly like a sweaty sock. It’s a magical experience equivocal of getting your dick pampered by a weathered Asian massage parlor woman who may not look like a bonerable babe but has waxed so many millions of cocks in her life that you’d swear she somehow crafted a silk-worm cocoon out of feathery flesh around your hog. I love those seasoned grandma nut-bust specialists.

As I stare at the cum-coated receptacles before me, I’m confused about cleanup and also feeling somewhat ashamed. I have the dog-faced look a pooch makes after pooping on the rug. I don’t know whether it’s cooler to pay money for a real-life hooker or to save dough for a Tenga, bone it, and then clean it up like a fat loser suffering from baby-dickism. At least when you diddle a hooker, you don’t have to do the cleanup—that’s why she’s paid the big bucks. It’s probably worth it to shell out 50 bucks for this set assuming I can pound away on it again and again, but who wants to clean up? I like nutting in warm, wet holes or in some corner where the household pet will lap it up. This bitch Tenga sure is demanding—like, “clean me up or else I’m going to smell.”

That’s akin to a high-maintenance broad and I don’t really do those, so in the end, I don’t think Tenga and I were meant to be long-term lovers. She can be the morbidly obese fat mama who keeps me company when I’m incarcerated, but she better hit the bricks when it’s showtime. Tenga is for the spankmasters of the world, and I am happy for them, ‘cause once you get past the shame and the cleanup, fucking this thing is so damn bonerable. I didn’t even heat it up like we do with the jailhouse Suzy. I guess we’ve entered a new realm where if you’re not fucking the real thing and your hand is not good enough, go out and waste some bread on Japanese-manufactured male masturbatory aids.

Bert Burykill is the pseudonym of our prison correspondent, who has spent time in a number of prisons in New York State. He tweets here.