Sometimes I curse my curiosity. It’s too easy to lounge alongside Russians clothed in ugly harem pants and embrace blissful ignorance. Western food and alcohol goodness are within reach. Whittling away time on Baga Beach as touts hawk bracelets, manicures or ice cream is like sinking into quicksand. Slow and surprising.

I had other things in mind on March 2. It was Mahashivratri, and I was going to temple.

Temple at night

Practiced in Goa for centuries, Mahashivratri signifies a day of rituals and fasting in worship of the Lord Shiva. On this momentous day, Shiva plunges his lightening bolt of a blue arm to grant moksha, the release from samsara and perpetual reincarnation to get your karma on track.

I could use some release. As much as I’ve grown on this journey there are sober moments of envy or anger that surprise me. Buddhists call this a ‘restless mind’.

Buying enlightenment

Maybe this is my pale version of Eating, Praying, Loving Thyself, but onwards towards enlightenment, right?

I purchased my offering of coconut, bananas, flower garland and incense guessing that Shiva is one hungry deity. That set me back 40 rupees.

My offerings

The tourist bubble bursted as I stepped away from the hedonistic pleasures of Baga towards the temple a few feet away. The buttery yellow of the temple beckoned me, intensified by the cache of Christmass lights decorating it’s exterior. Worship just turned Vegas.

Each worshipper sounded the bell. Shoeless and reverent, I did the same following my friends lead. I definitely didn’t understand everything, but what I could conclude was a Hindu priest acted as the conduit between you and Shiva.

Gonging our arrival

He grabbed my offerings, emptying the contents to place them in front of a Shiva statue. His only piece of clothing was an orange sarong. His skinny frame and sunken chest made me think of starving holy men meditating on misty mountaintops waiting for god to fill them.

Priest paving the spiritual beeline

He came back, handing me one banana to place at the altar situated outside. An attendant poured milk in my hand meant for me to drink and douse my head with. I wondered if I had been christened somehow.

The next step was taking several sticks of incense, lighting them, and skewering a banana with them. A sickly sweet odor engulfed my nostrils. I tried to breathe in connection.

Shiva personified

This was our cue to go outside and kneel before a gated altar of garlands and smoking bananas.

“What do I do?” I asked my friend.

“Whatever you feel. Usually you kneel, ask for blessings.”

So, I did. My knees grated against the dusty concrete, where I also placed my forehead. I shut my eyes.

Tell me what to do

I felt nothing. Nada. The concept of dessert at Brittos popped in my head.

It was then I knew faith left me long ago. And that really bothers me. Maybe I’ve seen too much, too early in my life. Could be I have the attention span of a gnat. One thing that is clear is how to gain it back?

We left the temple and crossed the doorway into karaoke and mocktails.

My Spiritual Mission

India is the perfect place to flex my religious muscles. My mission is to head to Rishikesh and meditate to death or sip from natural springs. I’m reticent on what I will find. Could be lightness and purity. Or strong hash towards The Path. Peace out.

Forget trying to find anything. You haven’t lost anything and you won’t find anything. It is and always will be, regardless of how you feel at holy places and religious festivals. If you want to cultivate a spiritual practice without the trappings of religion, engage in practices that remind you of your innate connection for everything and that you are the highest expression of creativity and love in the universe. That could be meditation as easily as it could be cooking, poetry or mountain climbing.

I actually think it’s possible that God might be genderless, and it’s not that I can’t accept that, it’s just that I can’t easily wrap my mind around the concept and it would get in the way of my relationship…which is fragile enough as it is.

It’s easiest for me to think of Him as a loving father, usually, though I don’t always have that image when relating to Him. But I do have to say that there is definitely a more masculine feel to my interactions, and not the least bit femininity. However, that could just be me projecting, because my daughter says she gets both – which could also indicate that there’s more than one. I don’t object to that concept either, but again, trying to figure everything out gets in the way of my relationship. Since my relationship works for me – very well, though it could certainly be much better – I just stick with my own fairly simple framework.

The one thing I most firmly believe, though, is that everyone is entitled to use whatever framework that brings them the most serenity and contentment. I hope you find one that works for you.

I have had the moment of nothingness hit me as well – in the temples of Japan when we were in Kyoto. Sometimes I wish I could feel the sense of awe I did as a child before I grew jaded as a teenager. Best of luck finding your faith. <3

I loved this post. There’s something in the air in India. It’s palpable for sure. I’m not a religious person, but you can’t help but feel connected to the Universe in such a strong way when you’re there. Did you end up getting some dessert afterward???

Man, I am so inarticulate about this, I don’t think there’s any way that I can do this clearly or concisely. So it will probably sound like a jumbled mess. But, for what its worth, this is what gets me through my very up and down life.

First, I do best one on one, with no religion or person between me and what I think of as God. Two, I try to remember that He is right next to me, always just waiting for me to invite Him into my life. Three, I believe He is also within me and is most likely the source of my gut instincts in any given situation – which is why I try to follow them always. Four, I also try to remember that I am always working with incomplete information when I am making plans or decisions because I have no idea what the future holds. But He does. So when I am struggling with problems in my life, I often say “I can’t figure this out, could You please just take care of it for me?” Since I am a control freak, this is difficult for me, but it always works.

I believe that what He wants most from me is to have Him be an important part of my life and to treat His other children with kindness. This is the hardest thing for me, because there are so many freaking morons walking this earth. But I find that putting others first makes me feel good, really good, it’s its own reward.

I love Him, I talk to Him and joke with Him. And I there’s no way I could have survived the loss of loved ones without Him. Because whenever I am overwhelmed with grief, sorrow, anger or unhappiness of any kind, I turn to Him and just ask for help. And I get it immediately. Even when I have to do it every few minutes during the worst of times.

Whenever I feel powerless to help others, I ask Him to help them. It’s literally the best I can do.

I try to be aware of His hand in every moment in my life, to thank Him for every single good thing that comes along and to stop and ask for guidance when I hit an obstacle in my pursuit of goals.

The feelings of serenity and love that envelop me when I am close to Him are the only proof I need of His existence. But I believe He is merciful and generous, as well as just, and that His kindness extends even to those who don’t believe.

Coping with life is so much less stressful, and more joyful, since I’ve rediscovered my faith, I wish you success in doing the same.