Come Monday, you may not have any money and our entire country might be in shambles, but for today, let’s focus on the random “criminal” shit that goes on in our world.

From Mouse, our NYC Correspondent, comes an article titled “Woman ‘tricked into sex’ by penis cream treatment.” Intrigued? Basically, this rando pilot dude convinced a schoolteacher to help him administer ointment to the end of his penis, by having sex with him:

Fadi Sbano, 38, even pretended to know a gynaecologist who advised him on how often to have intercourse with her and whether to thrust “slowly or quickly”. And, on the “doctor’s advice”, he kept a clock on the bedside table to time the sessions.

The teacher put up with the treatment for nine months before telling her doctor.

And also:

[The woman’s lawyer] said the woman found the sessions “Clinical, not at all erotic”. She consented only because she believed it was a proper treatment.

Oh Jesus. Is this lady for real? I mean, the guy is clearly a creep and I guess this qualifies as rape, but maybe the woman can get a life sentence for mind-boggling stupidity.

Then, a little story from West Virginia was brought to my attention by Dooce, my favorite lady blogger:

A West Virginia man accused of passing gas and fanning it toward a police officer no longer faces a battery charge. The Kanawha County prosecutor’s office requested that the charge be dropped against 34-year-old Jose Cruz.

According to a criminal complaint, Cruz passed gas and made a fanning motion toward patrolman T.E. Parsons after being taken to thepolice station for a breathalyzer test. Cruz denies fanning the gas and says his request to use a restroom when first arriving at the station was denied.

I don’t even have to comment on that. It’s hilarious and absurd all on its own. And don’t worry: Cruz is probably still going to the slammer for driving drunk, so we should all be safe from his gas-fanning criminal ways.

Finally, from our own Kentucky/West Virginia Correspondent (she claims both states) comes a story out of Lexington about a man who has just been arrested for the 1,000th time. You read that right. Henry Earl, pictured above, has become something of a celebrity for his track record. Most of his arrests have been for nonviolent offenses like public intoxication, and Earl only spends an average of two days out of jail before getting himself back in the big house. For this milestone crime, the judge sentenced ol’ Henry to — you guessed it — 1,000 days in jail.

If we were to get serious about this, we could discuss all of the bad things this says about our criminal justice system, and talk about how sad it is the Earl seems to be totally fine spending most of his life behind bars. But instead, because it’s Friday, let’s just be glad that the Second Great Depression hasn’t officially started yet, and that we can all still pretend to afford overpriced gin and tonics. Sigh. Happy weekend?