Where there's never an unspoken adorable thought.

Escalating Thoughts About Apples, Pencils and Full-Size Candy Bars

The children in my daughter’s 4th grade class are tasting different types of apples on Thursday for a fall activity. Lovely enough, except that my daughter is allergic to apples. Am I going to send in PEARS instead? Of course I am. Would I prefer a ban on ALL foods — even “healthy” ones — in the classroom? Fuck, yeah. Her grade school principal had it right: there’s no need for food in the classroom for celebrations OR otherwise.

And while we’re on this topic, I don’t think there’s a need for crap made in China for classroom celebrations, either. Sing Happy Birthday. Let them wear a special crown all day and lead the lines to lunch and art/music/gym. Make it special, minus the pencil that is so shitty YOU CAN’T EVEN SHARPEN IT.

Here’s an entire CASE of candy bars, kid! Aren’t I just The Coolest Mom, EVER?!

And while we’re on THAT TOPIC, I’d like to publicly shame the douchebags who gave out FULL SIZE candy bars this Halloween. Were you not popular enough in high school? Were you not able to binge drink your way through college? Did Playboy magazine turn you down for a photo shoot when they came calling at your “party school”? Was your husband’s fraternity shut down only once? IS YOUR RANGE ROVER NOT BIG ENOUGH?!?! What do you still need in your life in ORDER TO BE CONSIDERED COOL? The approval of ELEVEN YEAR OLDS?!?! Well, sorry, but my son didn’t even remember which houses gave out the full-size candy bars (I was collecting addresses for future egging).

Our neighbor (with whom we are friends, strangely) did the full-size candy bar thing last year, and he is exactly this person. He even had a tier system for who got which kind of candy bar, based on the extravagance of the trick-or-treater’s costume and how delicious each kind of candy bar was, based on his opinion. And he did all this from our porch, where we sat trying to enjoy a pizza. Never again!

Catherine please be kind. Remember, I’m not from here originally. I say hi to everyone, although not everyone waves back. I’m a raging chocoholic. I like sweets and veggies too. But we give out full size candy bars every Halloween. It is something we’ve done for 10 years. We love it. I don’t think I’m a bad guy for doing it. It’s once a year and it’s already a candy holiday… so why not? We think it’s fun and we make our kids eat veggies every day.

JACKIE!!!! Of course you are not a “bad guy.” You are a lucky woman who doesn’t erupt with bacterial vaginosis after eating the teensiest bit of sugar AND — clearly — has children who don’t become sugared-up assholes after eating candy. I hate Halloween. I hate managing the sugar aftermath. I adore you.

I adore you too Catherine and I apologize for coming on too strong. I hope you were able to detect my hints of saccharine sarcasm throughout my comment. You are a stitch. And….mean Swankington women can kiss my arse!