help – Rewirehttps://rewire.news
News, commentary, analysis and investigative reporting on reproductive and sexual health, rights and justice issues.Tue, 26 Sep 2017 20:45:40 +0000en-UShourly1https://wordpress.org/?v=4.8.2Get Real! Can I Start Dating When I Have a Mental Illness?https://rewire.news/article/2013/06/28/can-i-start-dating-when-i-have-a-mental-illness/
Fri, 28 Jun 2013 21:03:50 +0000http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2013/06/28/can-i-start-dating-when-i-have-a-mental-illness/Does having a mental illness mean you can't have healthy sexual or romantic relationships, or that someone else can't have them with you? Nope.

I’m a seventeen-year-old girl and ten months ago, I was diagnosed with a light form of pseudologica fantasia, usually known as mythomania. The basis of this illness is an addiction to telling lies. I’m seeing a therapist for this and she’s a very kind and competent woman, but she has warned me that this illness is usually hard to cure and there are few known cases where the therapy was actually able to get rid of the problem. I’m doing a better job at keeping it under control than I used to but the urge is still there. I just keep it under wraps and tackle the illness on my own, with the support of my nuclear family. The thing is, one of my friends has recently expressed a romantic interest in me, and I would very much like to get involved in a relationship with him, but this would mean disclosing my problem to him, because of course I’m not going to enter a relationship without telling the other person involved about this first.

I’m deadly frightened to tell him because this is something I am really ashamed of. I trust him and know my secret would be safe with him, but I’m terrified that he’ll suddenly find me disgusting, or frightening, or that he’ll never be able to trust me again – because honestly, who would fully trust someone who’s a compulsive liar? There’s so much stigma attached to lying that I sometimes feel broken. Like a leper, almost. This is getting a bit too dramatic for my taste, but that’s the only way to express how I feel. Do you have any advice about this situation and/or about being in a relationship when suffering from a mental illness? Thanks in advance.

Heather Corinna replies:

You’re right, there certainly is social stigma attached to lying. Really, it’s the usual motives for dishonesty which have the big bad rap, and we can probably agree that’s actually sound, but even though you know you don’t have an intent to deceive or manipulate anyone, and you have an illness that can compel you to lie, rather than lying being something you actively choose to do, I can understand why you feel the weight of all that regardless. Add that to the stigma attached to nearly any mental illness, and it’s unfortunately all too easy to feel very isolated, ashamed, scared about social interactions, and vulnerable. On top of all of that? Starting to date, period, can be mighty daunting too. I’m so sorry that you’re feeling the way that you are right now; it sounds pretty overwhelming.

If it helps, I don’t think mental illness is something anyone needs to feel ashamed about.

I also think it’s important to try to keep in mind that the fact it’s stigmatized doesn’t mean that stigma is sound or right. Often what stigma demonstrates most is a lack of education, understanding, or compassion on behalf of those applying stigma. Mental illness is not a choice, just like having freckles, autism, or cerebral palsy aren’t choices. It’s something that happened to you entirely outside your control, something that doesn’t make you any less a good or valuable person than anyone without mental illness. It also sounds like you’ve been doing all you can and working hard to manage it well, which is the best anyone can do. No shame in any of that. And if you need an extra little boost right now, this page might be a help too. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think Abe Lincoln, Virginia Woolf, Vincent Van Gogh, John Keats, or Issac Newton—all people who had mental illnesses—were disgusting or frightening. I think that the fact they did the amazing things they did with mental illness makes them more awesome and exceptional, not less.

I also think someone thinking this deeply about these things, as you are, who is considering taking a pretty big emotional risk by disclosing something she’s scared about for the other person’s benefit? That person sounds very trustworthy to me, and like someone very invested in building trust and being very mindful about it—more mindful than most.

Whether we’re talking about a condition like yours, depression, borderline personality disorder, anxiety, or any other mental illness or mood disorder, the very first thing I’d always recommend is doing all you can to get a good mental healthcare provider to work with—you’ve already got that covered.

That person, I think, should be your lead point person for these questions about intimate relationships.

If you haven’t already talked about all of this with your therapist, that’s the first thing I’d suggest. I think the best first step is a fact-finding mission and an in-depth talk with someone educated about your condition who also knows you and how you have dealt with it so far. That way, you can have plenty of reliable information to consider in making choices with dating and disclosure.

If you’re unsure about what to ask her, I’d suggest questions like:

What is your opinion about someone with my illness, in the place I’m at with managing it, and romantic relationships?

What challenges do you feel I’ll face when it comes to an intimate relationship? What about a person I’m involved with? What might their challenges be?

Do you feel like I’m yet in the place where I can successfully pursue and maintain an intimate relationship? If you don’t think now is the right time for me to be dating, can you give me some things I can work on so I can work toward getting there?

What are some things you suggest people with my condition tell potential partners or even just people they’re dating? When do you suggest they tell them?

What are some tools you’ve seen other people with my condition use in their intimate relationships to deal with some of the particular challenges it might pose?

This (you describe this guy to her, your relationship with him so far, and what he says he’s looking for with you right now) is the opportunity I’m presented with. Does it sound like one you think could be beneficial and manageable for me?

What, if anything, do you think I need to accept I can’t do right now in terms of relationships? What do you think I can do?

How do you think I need to go about starting to date differently—if you do think I need to do anything differently—than someone without my condition might?

What are things you think I’d need someone I’m dating to be able to handle and manage when it comes to me, and vice versa? What kinds of people might not be a great fit? (For example, I’d imagine someone who already has a hard time trusting people would probably be a poor fit.)

If you do think it’s OK for me to try dating right now, can we come up with some tools and check-ins together so I can feel more confident, and less fearful, about trying this?

Once you have that information, I’d then take a look at how you feel in general when it comes to feeling up to dating. After all, figuring out if we’re ready to date in general, and then if we’re in the right head space right now, or with a given person, to do that, is something for everyone to do, not just someone with mental illness.

For instance, you voice what sounds like a big fear of rejection. That’s understandable, but if we’re going to start dating, rejection—or even people just taking a pass on being with us at some point—is something that’s always going to be a possibility, something we will always need to be up to dealing with, because it could always happen. I’d also do a self-check on how able you feel to take a pass on someone’s interest or not move things forward when that’s not really what you want. If and when someone feels like someone dating them would be doing them some monumental favor, it can be all too easy to have a hard time setting limits and boundaries. Pursuing intimate relationships likely to be healthy involves the self-esteem of everyone involved being in a good place; we’ve got to think well of and value ourselves as much as we do others, have some measure of resilience, and not be in the spot where we’re so emotionally hungry, we’ll eat anything, if you catch my drift.

Sometimes we’re in the right places in ways like that for dating or more serious relationships, and sometimes we’re just not. Sometimes, too, we’ll meet someone awesome, have great chemistry, and have an interest in exploring things further, but the timing is just off. It might be a bad time because we don’t feel up to possible rejection, because they’re in a last, tough year of school, or because someone is in the thick of a family crisis. And if and when that happens, everything else can be golden, but we might—or they might—take a pass and maybe just try again later when the timing is better.

By all means, I’d also consult your guts. What’s your instinct about all of this? Our intuitive feelings are feelings we can usually trust and do well giving a lot of weight to.

That all said, is this a close friend? It sounds like he is. I wonder if you’ve thought about telling him about your illness regardless?

Like you already voiced, having mental illness can make a person feel isolated, and all the more so if it’s something you’re not sharing with any friends so that you’ve got them as an extra support sometimes, or just feel like your friends really know you. Keeping this a secret from everyone also might be making those feelings of shame feel a lot bigger than they would without the silence.

Having at least one trusted friend who you can tell about this, and who knows about this, would probably be very good for you. This has got to feel like a pretty big burden to carry around without support outside your family and therapist. It might be that the simplest (which is not to say the easiest, or magically not at all scary for you) answer to all of this is to tell this guy either way. Another option, if you have more than this one friend, might be to first try telling a different—but still deeply trusted—friend about this first, rather than starting with a disclosure to someone where there’s romantic interest too, since that can obviously bump up the pressure and the fears around telling considerably.

If you do decide to share this information with this guy, and, in alignment with some of your fears here, it turns out he either can’t handle that information, or decides he isn’t OK dating you because of your illness, I want to tell you something.

I know, and you know, that this is something you can’t separate from yourself. In other words, it’s part of who you are, it doesn’t live neatly in some box separate from you. But not only is this something that is more of who you are than anything else—you’re a whole, big person made up of lots of things, not just your illness—someone else’s reaction to it, if they feel afraid, intimidated, or even really negative, also isn’t just about you.

Someone who decides that they either feel they can’t or just don’t want to deal with dating you because of your illness, specifically, is a lot like someone deciding they don’t want to or can’t handle being with someone who, for example, has a serious physical illness or has had some big trauma in their past. Sure, that’s about those things, but it’s also about the other person.

Not everyone is always going to be up to extra or specific challenges with a relationship, and that’s at least as much about them as it is about you. I hear and understand that you feel negatively about yourself because of this, but I’d encourage you to try and own those feelings as your own and not assume that someone who didn’t want to date you because of your condition think the things about you and it that you do. Someone who pans on dating you when they know about this, and because of this, may well not think any of those things. Those are your thoughts and feelings, but they may not be theirs.

They might instead be thinking things like, “That sounds like I’m going to have to spend time educating myself about this, and I don’t feel like I have that time,” or “I’m really worried that it’s something I won’t be able to handle, and I might hurt this already vulnerable person,” or “I really wanted something more light, this feels heavy right from the start,” or “If myself and her family and therapist are the only people who know, I’m not sure I’m going to be able to get what I need in terms of support or help I might need with parts of this. I get why she keeps it very private, but I don’t know if that would work for me.” They might pan because of your illness, because they have one of their own to deal with, and someone else’s feels like too much right now, or because they have someone in their family with mental illness and feel like they can only deal with that one right now. The point is, there are so very many reasons this might be an issue for someone, if it is, so many different things they might think, and none of them may be about being disgusted or frightened by you.

It’s tough, I know, to walk into parts of life feeling like a person who is “more work” than other people without illness might be or might seem to be. Let’s be real: It does suck, especially since you probably know (I hope you know) that any relationship with anyone can be challenging, or “more work,” or that something with anyone could seem to be light fare and wind up not being that at all. There’s really no denying that that feeling or perception stinks.

At the same time, someone might take a pass on pursuing a relationship with us for any number of reasons; this is just one. And if you do try to pursue something with this guy and it doesn’t progress or wind up happening after all, it might be because of your mental illness and his feelings about it, but it might be for any other number of reasons, like him realizing maybe he didn’t have the feelings he thought he did (or you realizing that), you two finding out you’re just a better fit as non-romantic friends, one or both of you discovering you don’t have enough time for a dating relationships, radically different politics or ideas about relationships, or one of you finding out that the other absolutely cannot stand your very favorite thing in the world.

By all means, I think taking the time to assess all of this as best you can first is a good move on your part, and I certainly do think it’s a big thing to think about and carefully consider, and not just for the other person’s sake, but for your own. You also need to take care of you. But it also isn’t all of who you are, nor is it the only potential thing that could cause a relationship conflict or someone to take a pass. So in the case that this is something you really want to pursue, your therapist is on board too, and you feel up to dating, period (again, mental illness or no), and with this particular person, I don’t see any reason not to pursue it.

I wish you the very best, and will leave you with some extra links that might help you out:

]]>Get Real! Accessing Abortion When You Need Funding and a Judicial Bypasshttps://rewire.news/article/2013/06/14/get-real-accessing-abortion-when-you-need-funding-and-a-judicial-bypass/
https://rewire.news/article/2013/06/14/get-real-accessing-abortion-when-you-need-funding-and-a-judicial-bypass/#respondFri, 14 Jun 2013 21:04:27 +0000http://rhrealitycheck.org/?p=17652What can you do when you need an abortion, but you're a minor in a state where you need parental permission you probably can't get and you don't have money? Here are some initial steps.

I am 16 years old and already have a 7 month old baby. My son has a lot of health problems, he was born with a lung disease and has holes in his heart. I recently found out I was pregnant again and I’m not for sure how to go about it. I’ve only told one person and that’s my older sister. I know for sure that I do not want to keep the baby but I don’t have enough money for abortion and if I tell my dad it could turn out very bad. I live in Kentucky, and I am trying to figure out how to go about a judicial bypass and an abortion but I need help with money.

Heather Corinna replies: I’m so sorry to hear about your son’s health problems, Faith. It’s hard enough being a very young parent without the rights of an adult, let alone doing so when your child has serious health problems. It also seems like you might not have a very supportive family, so from the sounds of things, you’ve had it really rough for a while now. I really want that to change for you. I’m going to offer all I can to help you here.

As it sounds like you already know, in your state you can’t obtain an abortion as a minor without the consent of at least one parent or guardian or a judicial bypass. That’s not impossible—it is often doable—but if you do think you can get a legal guardian or parent’s consent safely, then I’d suggest you do try that first. That is certainly the more efficient route, and is often easier in most ways.

I don’t know what you mean when you say that if you told your father, things could turn out very badly.

If you mean you already are, would be, or might be in danger of abuse, I’d strongly encourage you to contact social services. In Kentucky, the hotline for child abuse or neglect—the child in this case being you—is (877) 597-2331. I suggest this because if you’re already living with abuse or under threat of abuse, I want you to at least find out about your other options so you don’t continue to live that way if you don’t have to. I don’t want you to have to live in danger, and no matter what happens with this pregnancy, it may be that you have other support and living options you don’t know about and which might mean a better way for you and your son to live moving forward, maybe even starting right this second.

Also, if disclosing this pregnancy to your father, or asking him for permission for an abortion, is something that would put your safety or life at risk, then by all means, that is not something you want to do. Instead, it will be safer for you to contact other help first and explore your other options, which I’ll give in detail for you.

I understand you don’t have the money to pay for an abortion. Normally (I’ll explain a bit more of that process below), before you seek out abortion funds, you’ll need to start by already having a scheduled appointment for an abortion at a clinic. But, given all of your circumstances, particularly since we may also be talking about needing a judicial bypass, I contacted a friend of mine who works in abortion funding to check in about your specific situation.

It’s an independent advocacy group for your state that works to connect people in Kentucky to reproductive health-care information and services, including abortion and abortion funding, transportation, and other assistance.

There’s an email address for the group on its website, too, if you prefer emailing to calling. If so, I’d suggest sending an email telling them about your situation, like you did for us here, adding as many details as you can, so they have as full a picture as possible—for instance, what the deal is with your dad (including if there is any abuse or threat of abuse in your home), if you do or don’t have another parent or legal guardian you could get permission from, what your financial situation is, and if the person involved in either the consensual sex or assault when you became pregnant this time still is or isn’t in the picture. If it was or was not consensual sex is also very important information to include. A little more information is better than less when it comes to services of this kind. That way they’ll have a good idea of what they can or can’t do for you right from the start, as well as the best way to help you any way they can, or who it’s best to next direct you to.

It might be that they can be the people to take you through all the rest of these steps, including helping you with a judicial bypass, if needed, any possible additional funding, and transportation to and from the clinic.

In the event that they can’t, or you want to know another route you could take with this, the way this most typically works is that first you’d start with an abortion provider.

They not only are the people who actually provide abortion services, they also are usually the first step in seeking out funding options—to get abortion funds when there are some, you will usually first need to have an appointment for an abortion—and can fill you in, too, on the process of judicial bypass.

They make clear on their website that they give information about judicial bypass to patients if they call in. You can just call whichever of the two is closest to you first if you’d prefer to start all of this with a provider.

There are also two Planned Parenthood branches in Kentucky. They do not provide abortions, but they do provide abortion referrals and options services, so they’re another resource to start with if you like. Those branches are:

I know that on top of all the other challenges you’re facing, if all of these places are far from where you live, that may look like another huge hurdle. It might well pose extra challenges, but I’d not let that dissuade you from making these initial calls or emails to look into the termination you want. Travel—just like judicial bypass and funding—can be made doable, even if you yourself don’t have a car or anyone in your life to drive you right now.

So, I’d just start by contacting either the Kentucky Health Justice Network or one of those abortion providers or one of those Planned Parenthood branches—whichever you like. I know it might seem like contacting all of them is a best way to tackle this, but it’d be most sound to just start with one and follow their lead from there.

All of them, I assure you, want to do what they can to help you make the choice you want to here, so any of them are going to be on your side and be a potentially great advocate and helper for you.

Per the judicial bypass specifically, any of those resources might refer you to the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) in Kentucky. If so, know they’re good people too, people who are very invested in your rights to all reproductive choices (even though some politicians in your state aren’t). They’ll do all they can to legally help you out. Here’s a page from the ACLU of Kentucky on your rights with judicial bypass, if you’d like to take a look: http://aclu-ky.org/content/view/195/74/

Just so you’re prepared, with the process of seeking out abortion funds specifically, you might wind up getting a lot of busy signals, or having to wait a day or two to hear back from people; that’s normal, and doesn’t mean anyone is ignoring you or that this can’t all be made to work out for you. it just means that all of these services tend to be very underfunded and understaffed, and have a lot of people calling in for help, that’s all.

If you want to start with an abortion provider directly, and can get to them in person, they can see you to do a pregnancy test and ultrasound to see how far along you are (which can tell you what you’d need in terms of abortion care and cost ahead of time), and if they provide options such as counseling and other practical help, like advice about the bypass process, they can provide you with those things in person too. The law only limits them from providing you an abortion itself without parental consent, not from providing you these other services.

If they’re within reach of you, even just being able to talk to someone else in person right now who understands, who supports you, and who’s knowledgeable about all you need to know could give you a great deal of comfort at a time when it sounds like you sure could use it. If that sounds good to you, I’d make an appointment to go in and see them face-to-face.

You will want to get a move on with taking steps to look into all of this. I know that with all you’re dealing with already, another pregnancy must feel tremendously overwhelming all by itself. Hearing that you need to hurry things up is probably the last thing you want to hear. However, the process of judicial bypass, if that’s what you’ll need to do, can take a while, which means you can get later into a pregnancy, making a termination more and more costly, and sometimes tougher to obtain.

I don’t say any of that to make you panic; the last thing I want is for you to have any more stress or strain. I only say it because if a termination is something you want and need, to make it happen, you’re going to have to move on these steps quickly. I’d hate for you to take time you thought you had only to later discover you didn’t move fast enough.

Let me also give you the brief skinny on abortion funding, so if some parts of this are things you can get started with sooner rather than later, you can get going with that too.

In the United States, there is a ban (the Hyde Amendment, if you’re curious) on federal funding for abortion. In some states, there are ways through the state, public health, or some private insurance to get abortion paid for, partially or completely. In Kentucky, funding for abortion—often even with private insurance—is only available in cases when the pregnancy has occurred because of sexual abuse or assault, or when the mother’s life is in danger because of a pregnancy. However, there are independent national or state funds available to help you pay for an abortion.

Generally, the people who manage those independent funds will first ask about what money of your own you have to put toward a termination, especially since no fund or combination of funds is likely to be able to cover the whole cost of a procedure.

It sounds like, right now, particularly given the situation you’re in as a teen mother with an infant who has severe health problems, the answer to the question of what money you have yourself may be that you’ve got little or none. It wouldn’t be surprising. Given you’re a minor, you probably don’t have any of your own money from work, and even if you do have a source of income, it may already all be allocated to the care of your son.

If that’s the case, you’re going to need to see what you can do to raise some money so you at least have something to throw into the pot.

Most often, when we’re trying to raise money for an abortion, we’ll look to the following possible sources:

• any money you already have
• picking up extra hours or shifts, if you can, at a job to make some extra cash
• anything you can sell if you have anything of value you can hock and live without (even CDs, books, or clothing that seem worthless to you can be things we can at least get a little something for at secondhand or consignment shops)
• whoever you had sex with (if this was consensual sex) which resulted in the pregnancy
• friends, or even friends of friends
• family members, be they close or extended family, or the friends of family members (like, perhaps, some of your sister’s friends)

Even if you can find just ten people who can give you ten or 20 bucks each, then find a way to come up with $50 or so on your own, you can already have a very good start to either get the ball rolling with additional money from abortion funds, or, in the case you can’t access that funding, or don’t wind up needing to, to pay for an abortion yourself. I know it can feel scary to ask for help with this, but if this is something you want and need, you’ll probably need to. I think it’s safe to say most of us who have needed an abortion have had to ask for outside help with money for one. Just stick to people you know are safe for you to ask, even if they might not have anything to give.

I also want to make sure you know—especially if, even though it sounds like an abortion is what you want most, abortion turns out to be outside your reach—that you have another option besides parenting another child when that’s not what you want or can handle.

You also have the option of arranging an adoption. Obviously, that means you would have to remain pregnant, which might not be what you want. I also don’t know how you feel about adoption in general, or as a particular choice for you right now.

But I do know that just like abortion or parenting are valid choices, so is adoption. And an arranged adoption usually means all of the expenses of a pregnancy and delivery are covered, so that’s not something you’d have to worry about, and adoption doesn’t involve you needing to come up with any money at all in order to avoid parenting another child. On top of that, it can potentially mean you get some extra help and support during your pregnancy that might help you with some of the other challenging parts of your life right now.

I don’t say that to sway you from the decision to terminate if that’s what you want and an abortion is something you can access. I respect and support whatever choice with this pregnancy you feel is the best one for you, is what you want, and is doable for you, and that certainly includes abortion. Instead, I’m putting adoption out there as a second possible choice for you with this pregnancy—a choice in which you would not have to parent another child, and which would probably be within reach for you if it turns out an abortion is not.

Adoption is something you could talk to any of the resources I listed for you to contact above, at any time, if you wanted or needed to consider it. Any of those places could connect you to the right people to look into or pursue that choice.

Hopefully I don’t need to say this, but I’m going to just in case: I know in situations like this a person can feel incredibly desperate and scared. So much so that sometimes people will try and do things to themselves, or through sketchy avenues, to terminate a pregnancy outside safe, legal, and medical abortion providers and services. In the event you’re thinking about that or at any time find yourself thinking about that, please rule those ideas out, even if the alternatives seem more scary. Doing yourself potential harm just isn’t a good answer, and not just because the son you have needs you, but because your life and health matters. You’re important. If nothing else, hurting yourself—and DIY abortion attempts can really do big harm, as well as typically not even terminating pregnancies in the first place—can only add more challenges for you in your already challenging life. They can even end your life before you get to a time when things are way less rough and hard than they are now, which I’d like to see you get to, and I’m sure you’d like to get to yourself most of all.

Lastly, know that either with or after an abortion, you can obtain a highly effective method of contraception, potentially one even paid for through public health services if you do not have private insurance that covers birth control. You can get an IUD inserted after an abortion, for example, or can obtain methods at an abortion clinic like the birth control pill, ring, or implant. You likely can also ask for, and get, a packet or two of emergency contraception to keep on hand should any other method you use ever fail or seem like it may have failed. And you can access contraception without parental permission or notification.

That way, when you leave the procedure, you also get to leave knowing that you have a lot of power to prevent struggling through this kind of situation ever again, and a lot more power to only become pregnant again if and when that’s something you want. I think having that ability would obviously be a great thing for you on the whole since another pregnancy clearly isn’t something you want anytime soon, if at all; I also think it would give you a feeling of security and some extra relief from worry that I know you’d benefit from with everything you already have on your plate.

With any of this, I’d be more than happy to talk with you more if you want at any time via our message boards or our live chat service. You can even email me to schedule a time to do that if you’d like. If you want to get more information from me now before you even make calls, we can do that, or we can be an extra resource for you throughout any of this process—whatever winds up going on, and whatever you choose—as you like, be it this week or months from now.

I’m going to leave you with a few more links, on our site and elsewhere, I think might be helpful for you. Again, please don’t hesitate to ask for more help or to talk if you need it, and I can’t say strongly enough how very much I am wishing for the very, very best for you and your son.

]]>https://rewire.news/article/2013/06/14/get-real-accessing-abortion-when-you-need-funding-and-a-judicial-bypass/feed/0Get Real! Why Can’t I Stop Being So Scared of Pregnancy?https://rewire.news/article/2013/02/28/get-real-why-cant-i-stop-being-so-scared-pregnancy/
https://rewire.news/article/2013/02/28/get-real-why-cant-i-stop-being-so-scared-pregnancy/#respondFri, 01 Mar 2013 01:20:52 +0000http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2013/01/17/get-real-why-cant-i-stop-being-so-scared-pregnancy/Working with young people and sexuality daily, we frequently see users who have pervasive fears about becoming pregnant, even when they aren't taking risks to begin with.

I have a problem, and I’m ready to crack with the stress of it. I’ve been on birth control (Yaz) for a year, to help with my acne, though I don’t always take it at the same time every day. Sometimes I’ve missed pills or taken them over 12 hours late. That shouldn’t really matter, though, because I’m not sexually active. My boyfriend and I have decided to wait until we get married to have sex. We only ever make out. Still, I find myself worrying about pregnancy risks even though there are no apparent ways to get pregnant from what we do. Some small part of my mind will whisper things like, “What if he has pre-ejaculate that seeps through his clothes onto you? What if he had a nocturnal emission that night he stayed over?” Nobody else I know seems to have this constant paranoia. I don’t understand why I spend half my time worrying about a pregnancy that most people understand is impossible. I’m not sure what I’m asking here, other than, have you ever seen this before—a girl terrified of something happening when it isn’t even likely? Is there any way I can help myself and get peace of mind? Thanks.

Heather Corinna replies:

Not only have we seen this before, it’s something we see often. At our message boards, at least once or twice a week a user comes to us feeling exactly like you are. I promise, it’s not just you. Over the years, I’ve looked and looked for some kind of study on pervasive pregnancy worries when there’s not a likely risk, or when it’s been made clear someone is not pregnant, and when someone also really knows they’re not pregnant, but I’ve yet to find anything, beyond information on false or “hysterical pregnancy,” which isn’t what this is. So, I’m afraid I can’t offer you much of anything clinical, but I can certainly offer you my observations from seeing this over the years.

Some people do have a phobia specifically about pregnancy, birth, or parenting: tocophobia (sometimes spelled tokophobia or parturiphobia). In other words, just like some people have pervasive or seemingly illogical fears about heights or small spaces, some phobias are pregnancy-based, about becoming pregnant, being pregnant, and/or giving birth. This is more common than people think, especially in people who can actually become pregnant. Given what a huge deal and big life-changers pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting are, that’s not that surprising. This phobia, like any, is best addressed with a qualified therapist who treats phobias. If you feel this may be the case with you, it is something you’ll want to seek treatment for to feel better. That’s going to be particularly important if you ever do want to become pregnant, because even wanted pregnancy can be very emotionally difficult for someone with a pregnancy phobia.

Sometimes people may also have anxieties like this because they have an underlying general anxiety disorder that presents with sex, other intimacy, and/or pregnancy. The teens and 20s already tend to be full of big worries and heavy pressures, and sex and/or pregnancy certainly gives us some reasonable things to have big concerns about, but your generation is also often reported as having higher rates of anxiety than previous generations, particularly for young people who have come of age in the suburbs and/or in higher income brackets. I certainly feel we see more young people reporting anxiety of all types over the last few years than we have in years previous. As well, many people of your generation have been exposed to a lot of intentional fear-factoring about sex and pregnancy in your sex education, in the media, and through other cultural messaging, which can really play on a person’s existing anxieties.

My best advice for someone who thinks or knows they may have an anxiety disorder or phobia is to start at a general or psychological health-care provider‘s office. It never hurts to go, have a chat, and just see what a doctor says. In the case this is about anxiety as a whole, or a specific phobia, you probably won’t feel better without treatment, whether that’s talk therapy, a support group, medication, or another way of managing anxiety as well as qualified care to help you learn how to manage anxiety triggers and stress. For someone with anxiety or phobias, just taking away a given thing triggering them can help some, but often they’ll just wind up being triggered by other things that replace that one.

For those who don’t have anxiety in any area but this one, and who aren’t thought to have a phobia that is situational, there can be a few different things that may be going on, and a few different routes to feel better.

Do you feel well-informed about how pregnancy realistically happens? Paranoia is about illogical fear, but if a person doesn’t know what is and isn’t real, they may not be paranoid, but validly afraid of something they just don’t know they don’t need to be afraid of.

The idea that a pregnancy could happen by pre-ejaculate seeping through clothing is not sound. For a pregnancy to happen, a lot of factors need to be in play. You need to have an available ovum (egg) to fertilize, for one, which very rarely happens when someone is using a combined birth control pill properly. (However, you would probably feel at least a little better if you started taking your pills properly.) There also needs to be enough spermandsemen to create a pregnancy. While the typical idea is that it only takes one sperm, that’s not actually true. It only takes one to fertilize an ovum, but it takes a few hundred “helper” sperm for that one to do so. Seminal fluid is also important: it balances out the acidic nature of the vagina, keeps sperm viable and aids in their motility. Just like you’d have a hard time taking a long swim in a tiny rain puddle, sperm have a hard time swimming without enough fluid, too. Additionally, pre-ejaculate often does not contain any sperm at all, and when it does pull trace sperm from the urethra, it’s not usually enough to create a pregnancy.

But for all of that to even matter, there would have to be direct contact between your vulva or vagina and semen. If you two are wearing clothes, that can’t happen. Even with minimal clothing, it’s still unlikely with a full ejaculation, and I feel comfortable saying it’s not possible when we’re only talking about pre-ejaculate. Pre-ejaculate is a very small amount of fluid, certainly not enough to seep through two sets of clothing and then still get into your vagina. The same goes with wet dreams. Someone sleeping over who has one in the same bed won’t create a risk of pregnancy unless they happened to have that emission while their penis was inside your vagina.

Not knowing what your sex education has been, I can’t know what you do and don’t know about pregnancy, so let’s be sure you have those bases covered. Even if it doesn’t help with how you’re feeling, it is something you’ll want to know. Here are a couple links to get started with:

Did you already know all of that already, but find that you still feel really scared about becoming pregnant? Do you also feel like you’re pretty sure you don’t have any kind of anxiety disorder or phobia, something you’ve verified with a qualified healthcare provider?

One common denominator I often discover with feelings like yours, when I can really talk to someone about them deeply, is that they can often be traced back to sexual guilt or shame. I once counseled a young woman who was absolutely convinced, despite many negative pregnancy tests, menstrual periods, and even an ultrasound that confirmed she wasn’t pregnant that she was pregnant. At a certain point, she knew it wasn’t reasonable, but she also just could not seem to let those feelings go. In talking with her, she eventually voiced that because her family and culture was so strongly unaccepting of someone unmarried having sex, she felt she deserved to be punished, to pay some kind of price for choosing to have sex. So she had convinced herself she must be pregnant because that’s the kind of “punishment” women who have sex that isn’t socially sanctioned get, and she wasn’t worthy of being spared. This is one common thread I’ve seen in women having these kinds of pervasive and unfounded fears, especially for women who have grown up with very socially or religiously conservative communities or views or with sexual shaming.

I don’t know what your background has been like or how you feel about whatever kinds of sex you are engaging in. But if you feel that in some way it’s very much not okay for you to be having whatever kinds of sex you are having, or moving towards other kinds of sex, or people you care about or are strongly influenced by feel that way, this could be part of the issue.

You voice that you and your boyfriend are saving sex for marriage and that you are not sexually active, but if you are having some kinds of sex—like the dry humping or oral sex—some of these feelings may be coming up because those things are kinds of sex. That’s a lot more obvious once people have had intercourse and know it’s only so different, but it’s still something people can intuitively feel because you know when you or a partner are having sexual feelings and desires and know when you’re putting them into action. If your personal values are such that you feel sex needs to be saved for marriage, it’d be understandable that having some kinds of sex may not be making you feel good because it may be outside your values and only be something you’re rationalizing as being within them. Sometimes when we rationalize things in a way that isn’t sound, while our brains may accept those rationalizations, our deeper feelings don’t fall for it.

I don’t personally share those kinds of ideas about sex and marriage, so please be sure that I’m not making judgments here or suggesting you’ve done something wrong or bad. But if you have different values than I do in this regard, which you clearly may given what you’ve said, you may need to check in with yourself to be sure what you’re doing does fit with what your own values and sexual ideals are. This might also be something to talk with your boyfriend about, because even if you’re feeling OK about this, if he isn’t, his conflict might be something you’re reacting to. If you feel like those values aren’t really yours, but the values of others, then you may want to spend some time trying to clarify what your own values are and some time letting go of values you may have grown up with but don’t share as you’re coming into your own.

Something else that often comes up in discussions with other women feeling like you have been are problems with the interpersonal context it’s happening in. In other words, these feelings can be emotional cues that a relationship isn’t a good one, or isn’t the right one for a given person at a given time in his or her life. How supportive and responsive is your boyfriend being to these fears you’re having? Has he suggested you two spend time talking them through, maybe step back with any kind of sex, and made clear that there’s no pressure on you to do anything sexual, even just making out, if you don’t feel OK about it yet? If he hasn’t, some of your feelings may be about feeling pressured or unsupported or worrying that soon enough, you will have valid reasons to be afraid of an unwanted pregnancy.

The very best advice I feel I can ever give someone feeling like you are if this isn’t about overall anxiety or a phobia is to suggest you think deeply about if any kind of sex or intimate contact is truly right for you right now. It may not be, and your feelings here may be intuitive cues about that. If one isn’t trying to create a pregnancy, the primary reason for having any kind of sex tends to be about feeling good, physically and emotionally, for yourself and also in relationship to the person you’re having sex of any kind with. If how you wind up feeling before, during, and/or after is mostly not good, but instead worried, terrified and freaked out, and/or isolated in your concerns, then it really doesn’t make much sense to have any kind of sex or making out that’s eliciting those feelings because you’re getting very little, if any, of the good parts.

It might help to sit down and make a list of pros and cons—of the ways physical intimacy makes you feel good and the ways it doesn’t, with positive feelings on one side and negative feelings on the other. I’d also include what you have experienced as good outcomes and as bad ones, or what could be good ones and could be bad ones. Then you can look at all of those things on paper and perhaps better assess if this is right for you right now or not. There’s so often a lot swimming around in our heads about sex and relationships that being able to see it on paper, in black and white, can be very helpful.

A lot of young people have the idea that when it comes to any kind of sex, once a person starts having that kind of sex, in general or in a specific relationship, he or she is tacitly agreeing to have that kind of sex ever after. But in the reality of many people’s lives, and certainly in healthy relationships and self-care, that’s not how it goes. Instead, there will be times in our lives, in certain relationships, even just from day-to-day, where we’ll want to be sexual and feel good about it, and times when we won’t. We’ll have times we choose to be sexual and times we choose not to. Those choices tend to be made not just around what our own sexual or interpersonal desires are and those of someone else, but also around what we think we and others can handle based on the whole context of our lives. For instance, sometimes we can’t afford birth control or just don’t want to deal with it, sometimes we’re so tired from other demanding areas of our lives we just don’t feel we can be fully present with sex, and sometimes we’re grappling with challenging feelings from something else going on that the various risks, positive and negative, sex of any kind can pose just feel like too much for us.

There’s never anything wrong with determining that any given time in our lives isn’t a right one for physical intimacy with others. It doesn’t mean we’re immature, that we don’t really love someone, or that we’re somehow deficient; it just means we’re recognizing—usually because of maturity, wisdom, and love—that sex or intimacy isn’t something that’s always right at every time, but which instead tends to require a unique set of circumstances that we’re just not always in, or which isn’t always available to us.

Often when we give the suggestion that taking any kind of sex off the table for a bit might be best, one common reaction we hear is that someone feels they just can’t do that because they may lose or jeopardize a relationship in which some kind of sex either feels like it’s required or is tacitly required.

If you feel that way, this fear may be really useful in learning something about healthy relationships. Having any kind of sex or physical contact—even just something like making out—because you feel you have to to keep someone around isn’t a recipe for a healthy, happy relationship or a healthy sexuality and sense of self, for either person. It certainly isn’t for the person engaging in any kind of physical contact he or she either doesn’t really want or doesn’t feel ready to handle, but it also isn’t for the other person either. Healthy people who want sex with other people to actually be about both people are not going to tend to want a sexual partner who doesn’t fully want to be doing what they are with them, or who is only doing so out of feelings of obligation or fear.

I can’t know what you want in a romantic or sexual relationship. But I’m willing to bet that you’d probably like those relationships to have a dynamic where you and any partner are only doing things that matter and can have deep impact—that you and they really want to do and that you and they feel good about—since that’s what most of us want.

By all means, everyone doesn’t have the same level of maturity or the same level of really seeing past their own wants, and not everyone is emotionally healthy or really ready for intimacy with other people. Some people we might pair up with may not be respectful and fair if we voice we don’t want to do something sexual or physical. What I’d advise in that case is that you do yourself a good turn and only choose partners who don’t behave like that. If you feel like those are the only partners available to you, something I’ve also heard some young women voice, then I’d say your best bet is to wait until you have better choices, because you will. However hungry I may be, if all that’s available to me is food that’s rotten or poisoned, it’d be better for me to just go without eating, and I’d say the same is true here.

As well, we all get to decide what kind of relationships we want, so even if someone really wants a sexual relationship, you may still voice that one isn’t what you want and need at a given time. They get to do that, but if and when they do, the answer isn’t to make yourself do things you don’t want or feel you can handle. Rather, it’s to acknowledge your different needs or readiness, part ways amicably, and both seek out relationships that are a better fit for each of you.

Pema Chodron wrote about stress and anxiety that “everything that occurs is not only usable and workable but it is actually the path itself. We can use everything that happens to us as the means for waking up.” What she means by that is that often, pervasive worries like this are valuable cues for us to potentially recognize ways we need to grow or change how we’re living our lives we might not have recognized otherwise. Maybe in your case this just is not the right time of life, relationship, or overall situation for you to be sexual. Maybe this specific relationship has something in it that isn’t quite right, needs to be talked out, or just doesn’t suit you. Maybe it’s about taking a look at feelings of guilt and either clarifying or adjusting your values so they fit you better or, if you feel your values now are authentic to you, living in greater alignment with those values. Maybe it’s a cue that you’re carrying too much stress in your whole life in general and need to find some ways to manage it better or a cue that you have an anxiety disorder or phobia you need qualified help to manage.

I’m sorry I can’t give you an easy answer here, because I hate for anyone to suffer this way. But I just can’t know which of any of the possibilities here is the case for you or if this is about something I haven’t identified here at all. Sometimes getting to the root of fears is really challenging and takes some time and introspection. I’d encourage you to invest time and energy in thinking about all of this, ideally giving yourself that time without doing anything that triggers those fears at the same time. Ask for any help and perspective you need—again, maybe that’s asking a counselor, maybe talking to your boyfriend or friends, or maybe talking to a parent, doctor, religious leader, or community member. You’re going to be the expert in finding your best sources of counsel and support. I’d also encourage you to try and consult your own instincts and to put trust in them: they really can tell us an awful lot, and so often we’re taught to give those feelings less weight than they deserve.

I’m going to leave you a few extra links that might help, along with my very best wishes. If you want to talk more about this, you’re more than welcome to come over to our message boards, and I’d be glad to talk more with you.

]]>https://rewire.news/article/2013/02/28/get-real-why-cant-i-stop-being-so-scared-pregnancy/feed/0I’m 14 and My Boyfriend Wants Sex. Is Now the Right Time?https://rewire.news/article/2011/09/30/sure-boyfriend-wants-right-time/
Fri, 30 Sep 2011 07:44:34 +0000Do "all guys" really always want more sexually than you really want or feel ready to do yourself? No. But even if they did, that doesn't mean it'll always be right for you -- or them! -- to engage in sex you don't feel ready for yet or don't really want yourself.

Hi I am 14 years old and me and my boyfriend have been dating for 2 months on the 20th… we’re mostly all teenagers here and young adults and can tell that guys want more than just make-outs, hugs and kisses they want sex… I wouldn’t have a problem having sex with him. I am pretty sure he is still a virgin by 99.9% and I am also still a virgin and was wondering when the best time it would be to have sex, where and I am nervous that I will mess up some how…. Help please??

Heather Corinna replies:

Just because someone might want something from someone else doesn’t mean it’s right for that other person, either person, or that the time when they want it is the right time for it to happen.

Few people in their early teens have a lot of what is needed in order to have healthy and satisfying sexual lives with partners, especially when they include kinds of sex that present high risks of sexually transmitted infections, pregnancy or heavy negative social outcomes. Some of not having what’s needed is about not having the same legal rights and resources as older people do. Some of it is about just getting started in discovering your sexuality, and learning how to manage it and how to manage love or sexual relationships. Think of it, perhaps, like learning to drive: you wouldn’t take an 8-wheeler out on the highway before you had a lot of practice with side streets and a car that wasn’t the size of a house first, right?

It tends to take some time and life experience to get a foothold on the communication and assertiveness skills people need to be able to have about sex in order to lead sexual lives that go well for everyone involved. It’s also difficult to have a sexual life that’s healthy and that we really enjoy when we’re very worried about things like “messing up,” too. Part of learning to have sex with a new partner, and learning about sex, period, involves lots of trial and error (which often is more awkward than steamy), some stuff happening we might feel embarrassed by, and doing things that maybe one partner thinks will rock the other’s world, but their partner experiences as merely meh. Part of being ready to be sexual with someone else involves some level of comfort for those kinds of things: feeling okay about them happening, even if we’re not thrilled they’re happening.

Even for much older people who have more life experience and resources, including relationship experience, better access to sexual healthcare, and better cultural support in having sex lives, two months of dating can often be too fast to move into kinds of sex like oral sex or intercourse. Not for everyone, mind you, nor in every relationship or situation, but for plenty of people it is, and not just because of their age. Being ready is about a lot more than how old we are.

I also found this other question you posted:

I am 14 years old and my boyfriend is 15. His and my senior friend is having a Halloween party/bash. Being that he is a senior I am pretty sure there will be alcohol there. I am also pretty sure me and my bf will eventually have some one way or another. Then if we get drunk enough (which will probably happen) we may end up in the bedroom together and I won’t know how to respond to this… I am pretty sure him being a teenage guy he wants to have sex with me. But I don’t know how to react to this. I don’t know if he’ll have a condom because I don’t have birth control but I also am wondering if he is ready himself??? HELP PLEASE??!!!

That post lets me know, and should also let you know, that there are clearly sound reasons to be concerned that this is very much not at all likely to be the right time. Some of the other things the best time for sex requires are the ability for everyone to give real consent — which can’t happen when you’re wasted out of your gourd — nothing that’s optional, like sex or drinking, seeming like it will simply happen, rather than be something you choose, and ideally, it also won’t involve anyone breaking any laws. In both your cases, not only is drinking itself against the law, someone having sex with someone else while drunk also is often criminal (that is a form of sexual assault, one either you or your boyfriend could be held legally responsible for committing), and given your age, you also probably aren’t yet of the age of consent for sex, either. Some areas leave room for same or similar-aged partners, so you may be clear of that one, but not all of them do, meaning your older-than-you boyfriend could wind up in very serious legal hot water. You also express feeling very unprepared to know how to respond to any of this. In a word, it sounds like you’re drowning already.

These two posts together make it sound like the way things stand now, and the way you’re feeling about them, having any kind of sex together would much more likely be something that results in negatives for one or both of you than in positives.

I’m not a person who gets judgy about sexual readiness based only on age: just because someone is 14 doesn’t mean I’m going to assume they’re not ready for something. But I am someone who’s heard about more people’s sexual choices and outcomes than most, and I’ve a very good idea of what “pretty ready for sex” looks like and what “nothing close to ready” looks like. This looks to me like you are nowhere near where you’d need to be to be likely to have most kinds of sex, including intercourse, be a positive for you. Knowing what I know, both from life and my work where I have talked with tens of thousands of young people one-on-one about their sexual choices, you’re looking a lot more like a deer in the headlights to me than like someone who is ready to be in the driver’s seat.

There’s never going to be one “best time” for any kind of sex for anyone, of any age, because these decisions are individual and very situational. In other words, there’s about who we are as individual people and about the specific situations involved, including the with-who, the where, the when and the how, things which differ from sexual scenario to sexual scenario a lot. However, we can make some fair generalizations about what is most likely to be a better time for most people, a time and environment when sex they engage in is most likely to be as safe as it can be in terms of their health, and as positive as it can be for them all around, including enjoying themselves and feeling good in their bodies and their hearts.

For instance, better outcomes from sex usually happen when people hold off on high-risk sex — which intercourse is, especially when people are in a position where they can’t fully consent, like when drunk, pressured or uninformed — until they have what they need to either reduce those risks, or to deal with those outcomes. You say you haven’t even had a talk about condoms or asked about them and don’t use any other kind of birth control: that makes clear one of the most basic things needed for reducing risks isn’t something you’re prepared with yet. Readiness around those things also includes the confidence in ourselves and assertiveness with partners to ask about things like condoms and set limits clearly, rather than putting that the other person and gambling with those risks.

It’s likely to be a better time when you feel okay about the knowledge that sex with a partner, especially when it’s new or they are new to you, is not at all likely to go how it does in the movies; when you feel like it’d be okay to “mess up,” or look the way that you look, or when you know that how people respond to sex can be a big question mark. Ideally, you’d already have some sense of how you both respond from spending much more time taking smaller, more gradual sexual steps first.

Having the help and support we need with our sexual lives is another biggie. When sex is a positive in our lives, one piece of that is often that we don’t have to be sneaking around and can talk to the people who are the biggest part of your lives about our sex lives, even though we might not share every gory detail. We also will either have access to the kinds of things we need to have healthy sexual lives — including sexual healthcare — or access to people who can help us get those things. As a minor, that will usually mean at least one person who is a legal adult and who you really, really trust and know has earned that trust.

It’s a way better time to have sex when it’s not just something a person “wouldn’t have a problem with.” Sex with partners is optional: it’s not anything anyone has to do or is obligated to do. Sex with a partner is supposed to be something that, when we choose to be part of it, we choose because it’s what we really want and feel good about, not just what someone else does, if they even do. Sex between people always goes best when it’s something both people strongly want as much for themselves as for someone else, not when one person is just trying to give the other what they want or what they think they have to to get them to stick around.

I bet you can figure that if your boyfriend was going to have sex with someone, it’d be about something he really, really wanted, not just something he was like, “Well, I guess so,” especially if he risked becoming pregnant at 14. You probably don’t have a problem with taking the garbage out, but it’s also probably not your favorite thing to do. I’m going to assume you want your sexual experiences to be a whole lot different than taking the garbage out. For this to go well, it needs to be something you really want, rather than something you’d just accept.

I want to also add that the idea that your boyfriend is ready for all of this just because he wants it — or because you think he does due to his being a guy, an assumption that’s just as often not true as it is true — is iffy. I don’t know where your “can tell” about what guys want is coming from here, but even if you’re right, and this is something he wants, that doesn’t mean it’s something he’s ready for, or that he wants to do if you also don’t really want to and aren’t really ready. Guys being ready is as important as girls being really ready: having sex when they’re not really ready can mess them up, too. You suggest in your other post you’re not sure if he is ready: I’d pay attention to that gut feeling of yours, because you’re probably right.

It seems like your ideas about what he wants might not be about him as in individual, but about your ideas about guys. Not only is what you’re assuming not true at all of all guys, your boyfriend isn’t all guys: he’s just one guy. And just like girls, just like people who are 14, just like people who wear pants, people who are members of giant-sized groups like that are not all the same.

You know, if he gets the impression from you that he’s supposed to want certain kinds of sex with you now just because he’s a dude — an idea guys have pushed on them a lot, especially from other guys, and all the more if he hangs out with older guys — then you both might wind up having sex mostly because you both think that’s what you’re supposed to do, rather than it being what you both really want and feel is right for each of you, and for you as a young, new couple, right now. You don’t need me to tell you that people having sex together when they both don’t really want that yet or don’t really feel prepared for that yet does not an awesome sexual experience make. That’s also a kind of setup where you’re more likely to feel more distant from each other because of sex than closer, which probably also isn’t something you want. When people aren’t really talking and each person is making assumptions about the other or acting in ways they think the other wants, it doesn’t build intimacy: instead, it builds a wall between people instead that tends to make them more separate.

It’s clear that one big first step you haven’t taken yet is to stop guessing and to start really, and deeply, taking about all of this together. If either of you doesn’t have the trust or maturity to swing that just yet, that’s a sure sign now would be a lousy time to get more sexual. Whenever you do start really talking about this, do both of you a favor and don’t tell him what he wants and is ready for or what guys want. All that does is put pressure on you both, on top of leaving very little room for him as his own person, who just also happens to be a guy. Let him tell you how he feels: there’s no need for you to guess or make generalizations. He’s right there for you to find out his own real deal.

It might help to know we have a lot of study (and people’s hindsight) that shows us that the younger people are when they engage in intercourse and other kinds of sex with big risks, the less likely it is for positive outcomes to happen, and the more likely it is for things to go badly. In the studies that have been done about this where they talk about thing that make negative outcomes more likely, some of the things you have mentioned here come up: situations where people can’t give full consent or don’t even grok what that means, people making a lot of assumptions about sex or gender that aren’t realistic and are mostly based on media, stereotypes, or peers, a lack of communication and a feeling that sex isn’t optional, but something people have to do for someone else. In other words, you appear to be at a high risk of becoming that statistic if you choose to engage in sex anytime soon.

Since you’re asking for my advice about when I think sex — and it sounds like you mean intercourse when you say that, even though that’s only one kind of sex — would go best for you based on what you’ve told me, here it is: You’re about to seriously rush in. If you don’t want the crap that kind of rushing often results in, I’d advise you to SLOW DOWN. Take the time you really need to even know what these choices can mean, and to figure out if they’re right for you: that tends to take way more than eight weeks for someone to do when this kind of decision-making is new. Spend more time together getting to know one another better, talking these things through, and gradually exploring sex in slower steps rather than trying to jump into the deep end when you haven’t even learned how to doggy paddle yet. Those steps give us a lot of information about if further steps are or aren’t likely to be a good thing.

See how your relationship is going over, say, another six months, if it still even is going at all (with younger teens, on average, romantic relationships don’t last more than a few months). Take the time to talk about all of this together, a whole lot. There are high stakes here: be as thoughtful as you can with these choices, and ask for the same thoughtfulness from your boyfriend.

One thing I can’t do for a new user I haven’t talked over time is have any sense of who you are in a bigger way, and what you’re really capable of handling at this point in your life. Someone who knows you well can do that with you. Talk with someone older than you who you trust and who knows you really well. For the record, I don’t mean a years-older-than-you friend who thinks it’s a good idea to help young teenagers get wrecked at a party. That person is showing you they wouldn’t know a healthy, sound choice if it smacked them upside the head and that interaction with you is probably about entertaining themselves, not caring about your well-being. I’m talking about people with a good deal of life experience and maturity who you know and who know you and care about you; people who, even when you don’t always agree with them, you know want the very best for you.

In the case that you just don’t feel safe about that kind of conversation or openness with someone in your family, a next-best option is to have a talk like that with a healthcare provider. In the United States, what you share with a doctor about sex is private, and can’t be shared with parents unless you give permission. If you want absolute assurance of that, you can see someone at a Title X clinic, like a Planned Parenthood clinic. Not only can those people help you get informed about and prepared with things like safer sex, contraception and sexual negotiation, they can also do a great job of helping you think these choices through. They know and understand how important it is to you.

It might also help to sit down with pencil and paper and write out what you think you’d want and need for sex with a partner to be really right for you and great for you. For example, would you want to feel a lot less worried about messing up? How about wanting to have the things you needed to make sure you didn’t become pregnant before you wanted to? Some people feel most comfortable only having sex within relationships where they have secured a deeper commitment, or where they have been with someone for a certain length of time: if those things sound familiar to you, you can write down what you think would be right for you in that regard. How about how you would want to feel about your body or your own sexuality: whatever level of confidence you have about them now, and knowledge you have about them now, might more be better?

How about trust? Sometimes, especially when we’re younger, having sex with someone can mean negative social consequences, like taking a lot of crap from peers or people in school we don’t even know about having sex, when someone we have sex with tells others who tell others, who tell others… you get the picture. Most people don’t ever expect that to happen, but it happens often, especially when people rush into sex without taking time to build and establish trust with a partner and to have big talks about privacy needs. If your partner is a guy, he might get some social status from sex: if you’re a girl, you will likely lose some. That’s so messed-up, but it’s so very common. What about the other things you feel you want and need from a sexual partner? Just write it all out.

Those are just a few ideas of places to start. There is so much to think about with big sexual decisions, especially when we’ve no experience making them, that if we try and do it all in our heads, it can make thing less clear instead of more clear. If we can put it all down somewhere and get a clearer look at it, it can be easier to sort through. And if, when you talk with your boyfriend about any of this, he makes clear he has been thinking about engaging in sex with you soon, you can ask him to do the same thing, and then you both can sit down together with your lists and get a much more real, honest picture of what both of your readiness really looks like. It might also be a lot easier to start talking together with that kind of clarity.

I’m going to assume that, like most people, you want any sex you have to be sex you feel good about, not just during, but before and after, too. I’m going to assume you want the sexual relationships you have in life to be as great as they can possibly be. In order to make both those outcomes the most likely, you’re just going to want to take more time than this.

I’m going to leave you some links I think will help you, and can get you started with the kind of information you need to know in order to make these choices smartly. Go ahead through them yourself, and then, if you and your boyfriend are talking seriously about moving past making out anytime soon, share them with him, too, and you can talk about them together and use them as ways to start talking more. If you want to talk more about all of this with us, we’re always around for that at our message boards, where you can either keep talking to me, talk to a volunteer, or talk to other users who are peers.

But, in a nutshell? I think you’re going to feel a whole lot better, and be more likely, in time, to have the kind of sexual experiences you probably want, if you keep things at the pace they are or even slow them down.

Don’t forget: if you have the idea you have to “give” a partner sex in order to keep them around or interested, you’re forgetting that you are already giving them a lot by spending your time with them, and investing your heart in them. You, all by yourself, in heart and mind, are a heck of a thing (even though you’re not a “thing”) to share. For someone who really likes you and cares about you, that is going to be pretty amazing as it is. No one who cares about you and is really into you is going to want you to be more sexual with them until you really feel good about it, ready for it, and really, really want to do that. In fact, to someone like that, doing anything you don’t deeply want to or before you’re ready would be the last thing they want, not the first.

]]>Get Real! He Wants Something Sexual, But I Feel Uneasy About Ithttps://rewire.news/article/2011/08/26/wants-something-sexual-feel-uneasy-about/
Fri, 26 Aug 2011 12:02:03 +0000How do you tell a partner that you're not comfortable with something they want to do, whether you have sexual abuse in your history or not? You tell them you're not comfortable with something they want to do.

I’m 14, and my boyfriend wants me to give him dry sex, I am very uneasy about this because I’ve been sexually abused before, what should I tell him?

Heather Corinna replies:

I think you just said two things you could tell him right there.

“I am very uneasy about this,” or “I am very uneasy about this because I have been sexually abused.” Whichever you feel most comfortable with, both of those things are fine things to say, things I think we should be able to say with anyone we’re very intimate with or thinking about being very intimate with.

You can follow them up with what your uneasiness means for you in terms of your answer. Do you want to decline his invitation to engaging in dry sex? If so, then you say you feel uneasy, and follow that up with saying no, you don’t want to do that now. You don’t have to explain any more than that if you don’t want to or don’t feel comfortable explaining more. That right there – or heck, just “No,” all by itself — should always be enough for anyone who actually cares about you and respects you to just accept and know that’s how it is, just like if you invited someone to come to a party you were having and they said no. If we extend an invitation to someone for something, whether it’s having sex or going out for coffee, we always need to know they may decline that invitation, and if and when they do, we always need to be okay with that and accept it.

Or, maybe you do want to explore this kind of sex with him, but need certain things to feel safe and good about it, like more time dating and getting to know one another, more time to build communication skills and trust, a certain kind of commitment, or time with him or even just with yourself to feel comfortable enough telling him about the abuse you survived. If it’s like that, and you don’t want to outrightly say no, but need things you don’t have now or yet to say yes, then you can tell him what those things are that you need first. If getting to those things is going to take some time, he should respect that and allow you that time without pressure.

One thing you might need is for sex of any kind with him, be it dry sex or something else, to be about something you both really, really want to do and share, rather than something he wants you to “give” him for him.

Catch the big difference there? Sex with a partner that’s really about more than one person isn’t about giving someone something: it’s about doing, sharing and co-creating something together, where, if you want to stick with the idea of give/get, both people are giving and both people are getting. It’s also ideally about both people wanting something as much for themselves as for the other person, not about one person wanting something that is only or mostly for themselves and one person not really wanting something at all who just does that thing to give the other person what they want.

We’ve got a word for sex that’s only or mostly about one person: masturbation. If and when someone (including you!) wants sex that’s really just for them and only or mostly about what they want, that’s not the right time and space to have sex with someone else. That’s the time and space to have sex alone, with our own two hands (or whatever else we want to that isn’t another being). Then sex gets to be all about us and only for us, no problem. One really good earmark of someone’s maturity around sex and sexual relationships is when they are able to recognize when what they want is masturbation — sex only for themselves — and when it’s sex with a partner — where everything needs to be about everyone involved very mutually, not just or mostly themselves.

I also want to let you know, just in case you don’t, that even if you hadn’t been sexually abused in the past, and either felt uneasy for others reasons, or didn’t feel uneasy at all, but just were not interested in this, it’d be okay to say no.

Just because someone wants something sexual doesn’t ever, ever mean someone else is obligated to give it to them, even if and when two people are in a relationship together that already has included and does include sex. A sexual or romantic relationship isn’t about anyone agreeing to always do sexual things with someone. Rather, when sex is part of our relationship, or we agree to be in a sexual relationship, all that means is that sex CAN be part of that relationship, at whatever times it — whatever kind of sex we’re talking about — is what both people want, feel ready for and feel good about.

People don’t always feel hungry at the same time or want to eat at the same times. That’s okay: people can eat together when they both want to at the same time, and eat separately when they don’t. Sometimes one person wants to see a movie, but the other person isn’t in the mood at all, so they don’t want to go. That’s okay: one person can see a movie while the other person stays home.In some partnerships, one person can want to have kids at a given time when another doesn’t. That’s okay. People can wait until that’s what they both want, and if they never want the same things, part ways and seek out others who DO want the same things. Just like with those things, the same goes with sex. Sure, sometimes we might make some compromises, like if one person really, really wants to do something, and the other only kind of does, but feels okay giving it a go to see if it’s something they enjoy. But we need to always make sure that the compromises we’re making involve a reasonable amount of give on both sides, and don’t involve compromising ourselves or the things we know we really want or need to be and feel safe and okay and whole.

Whether people have survived abuse or not, these things are important in healthy sexual relationships or other sexual interactions. If your boyfriend hasn’t been sexually abused, I’m betting there are some things he might feel uneasy about or not want to do sexually a partner might want himself. Just because someone hasn’t been abused doesn’t mean they’ll feel comfortable with anything and everything sexual, or that they will always be in the mood to do something sexual when a partner is. I’m betting it’s also important to him that with anything sexual, it’s about him and what he wants, not just about what you do. I’m betting that he wants to feel he has the room and the right to say no to things and have you respect that. These are things everyone should have and that people need to have for sex to be most likely to be positive and beneficial, rather than negative or harmful.

However, it’s pretty common for survivors of sexual abuse or assault to need some real time and support in healing from assault, and to make sure that we’re only in relationships and situations that are sound for us in the place we’re at with that healing, and as survivors. For instance, while we certainly don’t always have to tell someone we survived assault if we don’t want to, when we’re brand new to consensual sex or new to asserting ourselves sexually, it’s usually a good idea to be sure any partners we’re with are people who have the maturity to understand that we can need some extra things other people might not, and who truly have the capacity to be open to those things or provide them. For example, getting triggered — being reminded in some way of abuse or assault and then having a reaction to those memories or feelings — is something that can happen when you get sexual as a survivor. When that happens, you might need some extra care, and your partner will sometimes need to be able to not only stop sex very quickly, but switch from being in a sexual headspace to one that’s about caring for you in other ways in that moment. They’ll need the maturity and self-esteem to not take that personally or freak out. Not every partner is going to have those things, especially during stages of life when people can be pretty centered in their own headspace and find it challenging to really understand, feel and work with someone else’s.

As well, it can be super-extra important for survivors to avoid anyone who we feel in any way obligated to be sexual with. That can really stand in the way of our overall healing, and in constructing a sexuality and sex life that’s healthy. One of the things sexual abuse can sometimes leave us wit is a feeling that our sexual value to others is our only value or that our sexuality or bodies don’t totally belong to us. Over time, and with help, we can usually get through those feelings and know they’re not true, but when abuse was recent or we haven’t gotten far in healing, it’s often harder not to believe those kinds of things. So, we’re usually really not helped by any people, relationships or dynamics that make those things seem more true rather than less true.

Again, it’s not like those things aren’t important with everyone, not just survivors. They are important for everyone. But for people who have been harmed sexually, and who are working on healing, dynamics like that can potentially make some extra hardships or hurt for us when we’re already working so hard to recover from hardships or hurt we have already been through. They can also can hold us back in our process of healing and make it all take longer or be more challenging, which is the last thing anyone wants or needs. healing takes long enough and is often challenging enough as it is.

So, I’d just check in with yourself right now about a couple things. The first thing to think about is if you feel ready to have any kind of sexual relationship at all yet and if that’s something you really want now or any time soon.

There’s no right answer to that, just what you feel you want and need and feel is best for you. If that’s not something you want or not something you feel ready for, your best bet is to try not to put yourself in the position where someone thinks sex is what you want or has any expectation of sex. No one needs that kind of pressure, after all, and it’s usually best for both people who want and need very different things to just opt out right at the start rather than to enter into a relationship where they’re probably just going to make each other miserable struggling around such a big difference.

If you want to still date and have romantic relationships, you can still have those, you just want to be clear to people you’re dating that for right now, that doesn’t include any kind of sex with you. You, like everyone else, get to have these limits and boundaries if you need them, just like you, like everyone else, get to have limits and boundaries if and when you do choose to be in a sexual relationship.

When you put your limits out there clearly from the start (or at the point when it seems like you and someone else might be thinking about or considering some kind of sex), the people who do want that can seek out someone else who does, and you can avoid being in the position to have to feel at all pressured or obligated to do anything you don’t want to or that doesn’t feel right for you. Being assertive and straightforward like that also can help you identify people to date who are good choices for you right now: people who are just fine with that, or who even don’t want to get involved with sex right now for their own reasons. That’s good for your healing process, but it also makes dating a lot more fun. Knowing you’re pretty much on the same page with that other person can make it much easier to feel relaxed and safe and to enjoy dating, rather than having it be something that stresses you out or makes you feel crummy.

If you are going to choose to get involved in a relationship that is sexual in any way, or that you think you might choose to make sexual at some point, then the next thing to just evaluate is who you’re with, and if they seem to you like the kind of person you feel you can feel safe and be safe with at this stage in your life.

For instance, when we feel safe, even if we’re still working on our assertiveness or self-esteem, we should feel pretty able to just say no to things we don’t want without worrying the other person won’t respect that or will react badly. We should also feel like we’re not obligated to be sexual with that person and feel sure they don’t think we are, either. We should — and once more, this is ideal for everyone, anyway, not just abuse survivors — be sure anyone we are with sexually, or think we might get sexual with is someone who understands how important it is for sex to be about something that’s really mutual, just as much about what we want as it is about what they want.

So, even in terms of dating this person right now, I’d take some time to think about all of that, and consider what you think this person’s capabilities and abilities are in this respect. If you’re iffy about any of these things, they are certainly things you can talk about together, and things you can talk about without disclosing your abuse, too, if you don’t feel ready for that yet. It’s also always okay to kind of back things up in a relationship: if you feel like, for example, his asking for this kind or other kinds of sex has happened too fast or too soon, you can always ask to slow everything down to the kind of pace that you feel comfortable with.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had any counseling around your abuse, but if you haven’t, I encourage you to seek it out. There are lots of things good counseling can help us with when surviving and healing from abuse, and that includes helping us to learn skills and tools to navigate sexual and other intimate relationships. If you had a hard time with the things I asked you to think about up there, that’s something else a counselor could help you think about and make decisions with. If you haven’t had any professional help in healing like that, and you’re interested, you can always drop a line to us here and we can help you find that for yourself.

One last thing? While we’re not always going to feel comfortable disclosing previous sexual abuse with people just because it is something we’re usually very vulnerable around, and often want to keep private from people we don’t know we can trust, I hope you know that having been abused is nothing for you to feel ashamed about, or keep to yourself out of the idea that it’s something shameful about you. It’s not. You didn’t do anything to anyone: someone else chose to hurt you.

A lot of us in the world have been hurt or harmed in some way. That doesn’t make us anything but human, and vulnerable to harm and hurt like all human beings can be. It doesn’t mean we’re broken, or damaged goods or sullied or any of the other negative things we can feel like we are, partly because abuse can make us feel that way for a while, and partly because some people who are ignorant about trauma and abuse say things like that (often not realizing they’re acting or sounding a whole lot like the people who abused us).

So, I hope that if you feel uneasy with any kind of sex, or sex with this person because of your abuse, it’s about where you’re at in your healing process or with still developing trust in this relationship, but NOT about any feelings or ideas that being abused means that, when it’s the right time and situation for you, you can’t be sexual in the ways that you truly want to be just like everyone else. Because you can. The main trick to that is just making your healing and other self-care a priority, and making yourself as a person whose own sexual wants and boundaries matter a priority. That absolutely includes nixing anything you don’t feel very, very good about doing sexually, not just for or with someone else, but for and with yourself.

]]>Get Real: I’m Trapped In an Unhealthy Relationship and Don’t Know What to Dohttps://rewire.news/article/2011/08/16/real-trapped-unhealthy-relationship-dont-know-what/
Tue, 16 Aug 2011 11:18:51 +0000How do you get out of an abusive situation and get yourself safe? By doing all you can to get sound help as soon as you can and to leave as safely as possible. It's so easy to feel stuck in abuse or other unsafe situations, but we can get unstuck.

I am 17 now, live in Northern Ireland, and started dating this one fellow when I was fifteen. At the time he was 44. Of course, now he’s 46, but that’s not really the point. He’s divorced and has two kids, one son 2 years younger than me, and a daughter the age of my own younger sister (12). I look after them for him sometimes. I feel like I really love him, but I don’t really feel the same way about him. I think he’s been seeing his ex-wife behind my back, as she is now pregnant and she’s not in any other relationships, and Steve (my boyfriend) doesn’t really want to talk about it, meaning he acts guilty. Our relationship has pretty much been sex, sex, sex, and me doing stuff for him from day one. I want to get out of this relationship, but I have never been able to stand up to him. I live with him, and I don’t have anywhere else to go, as my parents kicked me out some time ago. I’ve kind of been seeing another guy, who is 19, but nothing really serious. This new guy is American, and he’s making a life for himself (in a good university, etc.), so the choice is kind of obvious. But if I try to break things off with Steve, either he gets angry and hurts me (nothing too serious, just bruises) or he swears he’ll spend more time with me. Which he doesn’t.

Basically, I’m stuck with a man who has been my only sexualpartner for two entire years, he’s not the nicest bloke around, and he’s nearly three times my age (older than both of my parents, too). I don’t know what to do, and honestly, I’m a little scared.

Heather Corinna replies:

There are a few things you mentioned here that I suspect you wanted to have addressed in depth, but I think it’s really important that for right now, I do what I can to help you with what seems the most critical. I think it’s crucial you get some help as quickly as you can, and I don’t want my words to hold those steps up.

Ultimately, I could answer your post with just two words: get out.

There isn’t any “just” in bruises. I also don’t think anything you’re saying here is anything less than very, very serious. Abuse is always serious, and always needs to be taken very seriously, even when someone’s abuse doesn’t leave any obvious marks at all.

You express feeling very trapped in this relationship, and I can see why. You are reporting at least one kind of abuse by this current partner, and I suspect there’s been more than one, and that some of it may have even started before you realize it did. Given the chasm of an age difference and how young you were when you met, his behaviour, and the very vulnerable position it seems this person likely met you in, it seems very likely you got roped into this by someone who knew they could exploit you and intended to do that. You make clear you have been mistreated in several ways. You make clear this has not been a healthy relationship of equals, nor something you feel good being in. We don’t feel afraid of our partners in healthy relationships. You make clear you have wanted to leave, but don’t feel unable to, including because this person has done you harm when you have tried to leave in the past.

I understand that you’re scared and why you feel scared. The fact that you recognize you feel afraid is a very good thing, because there is good reason to feel afraid. This is scary. And abuse almost always escalates, so, however bad it is now, the longer you stay, the more likely it becomes that it’s only going to get worse. So, it’s incredibly important that you pay attention to those feelings or fear and give them real weight, doing all you can to use them as motivation to get out of this, far, far away from this and to get yourself somewhere safe as soon and as safely as you can.

I understand why you feel stuck, and know that getting unstuck can seem impossible.

But it isn’t impossible. I absolutely promise. You can get out of this.

You’re not stuck with or in this, it just feels like you are. I know how strong that feeling can be, and how debilitating it can feel, but while those feelings are real, the reality of you having no way to get out of this is not real.

You can get out of this and away from this, even if it isn’t easy. The fact of the matter is, that while getting out of relationships and situations like this can be challenging and tricky, it’s a far more temporary kind of hard than living a life in them is and will turn out to be. I’m so glad that you reached out for help.

I’m tremendously sorry to hear that your parents kicked you out, and tremendously sorry if they will not help you now. You don’t need me to tell you that has been a serious injustice done to you. But even if they won’t help, there is help for you in this, all the more so since you are still a legal minor.

In your area, you have the following resources you can seek out and get help from: • Women’s Aid: Their 24-hour hotline is at: 0800 917 1414

• National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (England, Wales and Northern Ireland): 0800 800 500

• Council for the Homeless, Northern Ireland: The current contact listed for people under 25 to contact regarding youth homelesness there is Kathy Maguire, Youth Homelessness Officer, at: 02890 246 440 or you can email her at: kathy@chni.org.uk.

• Network Of Rape Crisis Centres Ireland: Their hotline number is 1800 77 88 88. I understand this resource may not seem relevant to you, however a) given some of what you’ve said, it may be (even if he became sexual with you at 15, he committed a crime based on age of consent laws alone) and b) if it is not at all, a resource like this could most likely still direct you to the services you need to get the help you need.

You could start by making a call or contact to ANY of those resources, whichever you feel most comfortable calling. Or, if you try one and get a busy line, you can move on down the list and just keep calling until you can get through to one of them. Any of them will help you. You can also always just go to your local police or a hospital and tell them everything, too, making clear you do NOT want to go back there.

I can’t encourage you enough to make a call to one of those resources the very second you finish reading my reply to you.

In the case that your phone or internet use is monitored by Steve, write down these numbers and go find a pay phone or ask a neighbor to use their phone to make these calls. Do NOT tell this person you are seeking out this help and looking to get out. It’s really important you keep yourself safe and sound while getting help, and that includes making sure you’re not doing anything that could trigger more abuse.

When you call any of them, it’s very important you’re honest about your situation. Don’t make excuses for this person, or downplay the spot you’re in and have been in. Make clear when the relationship started and how, if they ask, including sexually. Let them know you were kicked out of your home, when, and under what circumstances and that part of the reason you are staying in this is because you do not have anywhere else to go. Whatever kinds of abuse this person has engaged in, when they ask about abuse and your safety, be honest and forthright. What kind of help you need and can get is going to be determined by all your situation involves. Agencies like those above are often limited in how well they can help if you’re not honest. If feelings of embarrassment or shame creep in, please know you will not be the first person they have heard from in the kind of circumstances you’re in, and help agencies don’t judge. Their job is to help, and people working for them take that job very seriously. And you’ve got nothing to feel ashamed of here: you wound up stuck with what sounds like a creep, and in very precarious circumstances of your own, and this is not your fault.

Any resource like these helping you to get out will usually talk you through how to get out safely, or even, in helping you to do that, send over an officer or other person to assure your safety.

In the case that you are not certain if your parents or anyone in your family will help you or not, and you know them to be safe for you, you might also try being very honest with them about the whole of this situation — that means no downplaying it, even though I know it can feel humiliating — just to make sure. When it comes to leaving someone exploitive or abusive, people really need all the help and support they can get, so more help is always, always a good thing.

It sounds like you’ve already managed to survive some pretty rough things already, so I feel confident that you can stand up for yourself in this with some help, get through this and come out on the other side.

One last thing? You didn’t ask for my advice on this, and I try not to give advice unsolicited, but I do want to offer some up. Right now is not likely to be a sound time for any new or additional romantic relationships. Right now strikes me as a time that you really, truly need to spend only taking care of yourself, getting yourself out of this situation, landing on your own two feet, and getting help learning how to step forward from there, including learning how to only step into healthy relationships when you’re in a position to be able to have them. For instance, when we are in survival mode where we have nowhere to live, it can be all too easy to wind up with people who aren’t good people because we just can’t think past getting some food in our bellies or a roof over our heads.

When we’ve been in abuse, especially when it’s happened in times of our lives or personal development that are formative, like our very first dating relationship, it is terribly hard to be able to know how to identify and have healthy relationships. In a word, you’re going to have some healing to do and some learning to do about what is and isn’t healthy, and that’s all going to take some time. I’m certain you don’t want to have to struggle to get out of this only to land in something just as bad or worse.

Even just hearing that you’re concerned with the man you’re with possibly being sexual with someone else, or not spending extra time with you, at what sounds like the same level of his being abusive to you suggests to me that you’re going to need some time to do some real work sorting out what is and isn’t healthy in relationships. It sounds to me like you just may not know that yet, or be able to see that yet, which isn’t surprising. It’s pretty tough to be able to know anything we haven’t learned, after all, or which hasn’t been real to us.

None of that is anything to feel ashamed about. I know it can feel really cruddy to be in this kind of a spot, and I also know how appealing what looks like a “normal” relationship can be when you’re in the kind of spot you’re in now. At the same time, there aren’t white knights in the world — save the white knights we can be for ourselves — and people who are healthy folks with their own you-know-what together generally are not going to race into a situation like this romantically or sexually. If anything, folks with their heads on straight might offer to be supportive friends while you take care of yourself, or to get you to the help you need, and maybe, when all the dust has settled, revisit the idea of dating then. But not in the thick of something like this (assuming you’ve been honest with him, mind: obviously, if he has no idea what your situation is, no one can expect him to respond to it).

If this new guy knows what you’re living in and doesn’t even recognize that what’s critical right now is getting you to a safe place, not going out on dates, I think you need to know this person probably isn’t any kind of gem, either.

So, unsolicited from me to you? You really need to take care of you, right now, and your most basic needs: safety and shelter. Those are serious life basics, and when you don’t even have those going, there is no room at all for dating anybody. I don’t think you can afford any distractions at this point. You need your bare basics first, okay? The person to choose right now is yourself. Choose you, Mary.

Please know that if you need additional help in this, on top of the help any of those resources provide you, I’d be happy to offer you that. If what I gave you here turns out not to be fruitful, feel free to drop me a line and I will make some calls to help you find a service which can help. In the case you feel too scared or nervous to even make those phone calls, we are absolutely willing to help by making initial calls for you to help you get the ball rolling with this so you can get somewhere safe and get started in having a life where you stay safe and have the opportunity to have a much better life than you’ve been living.

You can come talk to myself or any of the Scarleteen volunteers over at our message board here, anytime, too.

Like I said, I didn’t mean to shortcut you here, as there is a lot to talk about, and probably a lot you’d like to have addressed. I didn’t talk about the possible dynamics around how this relationship even started, or how it’s gone on, which you might have wanted me to talk about, or about this issue of Steve potentially having sex outside the relationship with his ex and what that might mean for you and how you feel about it. The reason I’m not going there now is only because I just don’t think now is the right time for that.

When you can get yourself to a safe place, and sitting around and reading and chatting doesn’t potentially contribute to you staying unsafe, I’d be happy to talk with you more if you like. We have one volunteer in Northern Ireland right now, too, so you could even talk with someone local if you preferred. In the meantime, I hope that you can pick up the phone and take a step to get yourself safe and to move away from this life and towards the kind of life that’s full of the kind of safety and happiness everyone should be entitled to.

I know how scary that step can feel, and I understand that, but I think the alternative is a whole lot scarier. Please take that step to care for yourself, and know that if you need more help with that, all you have to do is ask for it.

Addendum: Since I know many readers remain concerned for advice-seekers like this, know that she was able to get out of her abusive situation and into a safe place with a supportive extended family member. She’s doing very well right now, and utilized excellent help from Samaritans to find her solution and create a sound exit plan.

]]>Because I Am a Man, I feel My Sexuality is Dirty, and Worry I’ll Hurt Someone With Ithttps://rewire.news/article/2011/07/15/because-feel-sexuality-dirty-worry-hurt-someone/
Fri, 15 Jul 2011 08:55:44 +0000Do you have to worry that simply by virtue of being a male person with a sexuality, you'll abuse someone? No. Being a certain sex, having a certain gender or having a sexuality does not mean a person has any kind of innate predilection to abuse.

My mom was a victim of incest as a girl and has used it to invalidate my emotions. I blame the incest, not my mom, but it still hurts. But I can’t help but feel like I, as a man, am dirty to be sexual. I can’t draw a line in my head between good sex and bad sex. I am a virgin because when I get close to sex, the girl will start reminding me of my mom or my sister. I’m afraid if I don’t lose my virginity soon I will develop a sexual frustration that will eventually cause me to hurt someone. I know that I’m just a troubled, caring guy. But I can’t help but hate myself sexually. I don’t know what to do.

Heather Corinna replies:

I’m so sorry that this is how you have been feeling about yourself, and that you’re hurting so badly and feeling so fearful of yourself. I’m beyond sorry to hear that you hate yourself. Those are terrible, debilitating ways for someone to feel. But I’m very glad that you’ve asked me for help. You deserve to feel so much better than this, and I hope I can help give you some first steps to create that change.

I hear you being worried about hurting others, but what I’m concerned about is how you’re hurting and how you have been hurt.

I want to start by pointing some facts you can see in black and white. I want you to know, before you read them, that I do a lot of work advocating for and supporting victims of sexual abuse and assault and am also a survivor of abuses and assault myself. So, I can very much assure you that the last thing I am is lenient with anyone who has abused or who I have any indication intends to abuse someone or expresses anything that makes it seem like they will choose to do that to anyone. I also do not ever downplay or whitewash abuse or the things I know enable or cause abuse, and the very last thing I would ever want to do is to enable or support anyone in abusing or anything that, on the whole, could or does enables abuse. I hope knowing that about me will give you some extra confidence in everything I’m about to tell you.

Perpetrating incest or other kinds of sexual abuse or assault is not about being male. Most men, just like most other people, do not ever perpetrate incest, rape and other kinds of sexual assault and abuse.

To be sure that’s crystal, most men are NOT sexually abusive and will not be sexually abusive. That is fact, not wishful thinking or denial. So, if we wanted to generalize around men and sexual violence, the only thing we could say based on facts is that being male, all by itself, is clearly not a cause of abuse. If it was, most men would perpetrate abuse. Most do not.

I know there are some people out there who believe that being male, all by itself, is why men who do abuse people do or even why abuse happens, no matter who does it or who it happens to. However, I in no way believe that to be true, and everything of any merit I have read and studied about this topic supports my belief that is in no way true, even though I understand it feels true to some people. (However, we know that isn’t true for even your mother, because here you are, male and someone male she has encountered who has not been abusive to her or anyone else, save potentially to yourself.)

Something else to know is that incest and other kinds of sexual abuse are not only perpetrated by men, but by people of all genders; and the victims of those kinds of abuses are not only women. With childhood sexual abuse especially, boys are and can be victimized just as girls are. We even know that boys tell others about abuse less often than girls, and that abuse is recognized less often when victims are boys. The ways masculinity and sexuality get conceptualized in a lot of cultures often isn’t always very good at recognizing when boys are being abused. Some people or cultures have dangerous and dysfunctional attitudes about sexual abuse involving boys or men, especially when and if the perpetrators of that abuse are women, framing some kinds of abuse as non-traumatic just because of gender, or worse still, as something boys or men were “lucky” to have happen to them, because boys and men are — according to people thinking about this in utterly messed-up ways — supposed to always want and enjoy all kinds of sex, even when sexual activity is not consensual or is otherwise injurous or harmful to them.

By all means, it is true that more men than women, so far as we know, perpetrate sexual abuses and assault. But there are some important caveats with that. Just like some people have the idea men and their sexuality or sexual behavior are innately harmful or powerful, some people feel that women and their sexuality or sexual behavior are innately harmless or powerless. Neither of these things are true. Some kinds of sexual abuses are also less often recognized by people as abuse, like sexual assault that doesn’t involve entering a part of the body (such as a perpetrator forcing a victim to masturbate or otherwise touch themselves), sexual assault or abuse that’s hidden under the guise of something else (like administering medications or punishments in a way that are sexually abusive, but are presented or seen as being about caretaking), sexual shaming and other kinds of verbal sexual harassment all of which can be more prevalent when an abuser is a woman.

I don’t know any of the details about how you grew up beyond the feelings you’re left with, but it seems possible you yourself may have even been a victim of some of these kinds of abuses from your mother, like sexual shaming or other verbal abuse.

People who abuse or assault other people do not do so because of what genitals or chromosomes they have. People who abuse or assault other people usually actively and knowingly choose to do that (with some exceptions for people with earnest impulse control disorders, though those are the exceptions, not the rules). What causes people to abuse varies, but for the vast majority of people who abuse, based on real study about abuse, those causes are not about the way anyone was born, including what sex they are. As well, sexual abuse isn’t just about an abuser’s sexuality. Sometimes it isn’t at all, but even when it is, that’s only part of a much bigger whole of abuse dynamics and motives.

By all means, sometimes personal or cultural ideas about gender, including ideas about masculinity and femininity, can and often do play a part in why many people abuse. But ideas about masculinity are not the same as being male, and not all men have the same ideas about or sense of masculinity. Many men, for instance, do not believe that because they are men, women or children should be subservient to them or beneath them, that the penis is some kind of weapon, that sex is for asserting power or that smacking people around is okay just because some men (or women) do, even when they encounter other men or aspects of culture that insist those things are so. Many, many men already have or figure out how to have a masculinity that does not involve harming anyone. And just like being male can’t make anyone abuse anyone else, neither can ideas of masculinity, even when they are a scary, hot mess. Again, for the vast, vast majority of people who perpetrate abuse, it is something they knowingly choose to do, not something their chromosomes or genitals force them to do against their will or outside their control.

Let’s give some space to the idea that your sexuality is “dirty” because of your gender. The idea that sex or sexuality are dirty is just something I just don’t cotton to. They can sure be messy sometimes, physically and emotionally, and can also call up or give us access to some of the deeper, more intense and even darker parts of ourselves or others which aren’t all full of rainbows and sunshine. But we can say the same thing about a lot of things in life. Creative work, for instance, like making art or music, can be and do all of those same things. Really loving someone can be awfully messy, too, and can also open up parts of ourselves or other people which aren’t shiny and happy. And just like we can do so with love or creative work, even when that’s the case, we can still express those feelings or aspects in ways that are healthy and don’t do anyone or ourselves harm. Just like with love, sexuality has the capacity to be healthy, rich, beneficial, safe, caring and positively powerful and empowering. Personally, I believe it has more than just that capacity: my belief is that’s its essential, truest nature.

I’d like to talk a little bit about your mother now. When people have been abused in any way and don’t get help with healing, especially with something like childhood sexual abuse, it can do a real number on them, as you unfortunately know too well. Your mother was traumatized, and, as happens all too often, that trauma didn’t stop with her, either. Her trauma, and the way she has dealt with it, have also traumatized you.

I don’t have any idea about what your mothers’ upbringing was like, what her resources and community have been, so I don’t want to be too hard on her here, especially since being a victim of childhood sexual abuse is often incredibly hard, especially if she didn’t get any help in getting away from it (and whoever was doing it to her), if she didn’t feel able to tell anyone or wasn’t believed when she did, or if she didn’t get any good help and support, ideally very soon after it happened to her, so she could get safe and start to heal.

No victim is ever responsible for being abused. That responsibility lies 100% with whoever chose to abuse them. You’re absolutely right not to hold your mother responsible in any way for what she suffered when she was victimized, nor for the pain she experienced as a result. But there is something that any of us who have been traumatized or victimized are responsible for: that’s our own healing. We didn’t do what we need to heal from, and it sucks that we have to be the ones to do the work to repair something we ourselves didn’t break, but that’s the way it goes. It’s not a victim’s fault that healing needs to be done, but it is a victim’s responsibility to try to heal, though it’s hopefully not something we had or have to do without help and support. It’s also our responsibility to care for ourselves and anyone else we agree to care for, and to work out how to do that in healthy ways, even when we’ve survived trauma and may have challenges in doing that well as a result. Having been sexually abused or assaulted does not absolve anyone of the responsibility to treat other people with care, respect, love and kindness, especially if and when we put ourselves in the position where we have agreed to provide that care. Having been sexually abused or assaulted also does not excuse any victim if and when they have done someone else harm.

You don’t have to blame your mother for anything. I don’t think this is even about blame. But you do get to hold her responsible for the ways she has hurt you, just like she gets to hold the person who traumatized her responsible. Your mother didn’t choose to be abused, but, assuming she was not forced into pregnancy, birth or parenting, she chose to be your parent. In choosing or accepting that responsibility, she agreed to provide you with an environment, including herself as a major part of that, in which you were safe and cared for. The onus was and is on her, as it is with every parent (even if few actually do it), to take real stock of themselves, identify anything they need to work through or learn to deal with that might do their child harm, and then do that work and keep doing that work, ideally before, but most certainly during, parenting.

You aren’t blaming her as a victim by holding her responsible for those things and any other ways she may have failed you or done you harm with her parenting.

I want to also make sure you know that not only is your Mom not responsible for her abuse, neither are you. The fact that you may share a set of genitals or even some of the genetics of the person who abused her does not change that in the slightest: you have absolutely nothing to do with your mother being victimized. Save for the ways she has chosen to make it about you, it is not, in reality, in any way about you. You did not do this to her or anyone else. It’s clear you grew up with some messages that might have made you feel otherwise, but I hope in time you can really feel and know what I’m saying here.

I’m not sure what you mean when you say “good sex” and bad sex.” Do you mean you can’t figure out what healthy expressions of sexuality might be, and what might be sexual abuse? If so, I can leave you a few links that should help you get a start sorting that out for that:

I am not worried that if you do not have a sexual partner soon you will do someone harm. By all means, if you truly feel, now or ever, you may be a harm to yourself or anyone else, I encourage you to ask for in-person help, since those are obviously things you want to avoid. I don’t mean to deny or invalidate your own feelings about this, but at the same time, you’ve made pretty clear here that there’s sound reason for you to strongly suspect those feelings are probably more about someone else’s life (you mother’s) and about someone else (the person who abused her) than they are about your life and about you.

You know, the smartest person in the whole world could grow up with someone telling them or otherwise giving them the constant message that they are stupid and think — despite every evidence to the contrary, despite even an IQ test that shows them to be the most genius of all geniuses — that they’re stupid. Someone who grows up with the strong message that they are the “bad” child could do everything right a person can do right and still think they’re a terrible person. And someone like you could be reared with the message that, because of your gender, your sexuality will automatically be unhealthy and abusive and believe that completely, based on that messaging alone.

I strongly suspect your fears about being abusive are probably mostly based on these messages you got, messages I believe have their only basis in your mother’s trauma and none in the truth of who you are, someone who had nothing whatsoever to do with her abuse. Even if your mother didn’t intend to lie to you, and she probably did not, I need you to know that you have been lied to. There is nothing bad about you because you are a man, and nothing bad about you because you have a sexuality and sexual desires. You expressed something you know about yourself in your letter, that you are a caring person.I’d suggest you put the most stock in the positive truths you know about yourself like that one, and work on throwing away what anyone, be it your mother or anyone else, is projecting unto you that is about someone else, not about you.

I don’t know of any data that supports the idea that without engaging in sex you will assault or abuse someone. Based on all the study that I’ve seen about sexuality and about sexual abuse, there’s nothing that supports people feeling compelled to abuse because they feel sexually frustrated or because they aren’t having sex they want. For sure, that can make some people feel lonely, annoyed, angry, sad or bitter, but it’s a big leap to suggest or think that those feelings will automatically lead to sexually abusing. Our sexuality and sexual desires aren’t a ticking bomb, where if we don’t hurry and do something to stop the clock from ticking, they’ll explode and blow us or anyone else up. People have sexual desires all the time that they can’t or don’t express the way they want to, when they want to, or every time they want to. While that can certainly be a bummer, that experience is not known to result in healthy people doing other people harm. And people who choose to sexually abuse other people are not usually people with the kind of awareness you have about sexual abuse and with the clear concern you have about not doing anyone harm.

I’m most concerned about you getting hurt in sexual interactions right now, not about you hurting someone else. Sex with others is often a place where we’re really vulnerable and very open, and with the way you’re thinking about and feeling afraid of yourself and your sexuality to date, I think the most likely person to get hurt in a sexual exchange is you. That’s a big window to leave open, after all, when you’ve got such delicate, fragile things inside right now. Something else that makes me concerned is that when we feel like crap about ourselves, we’re much less likely to choose healthy people to be sexual with, and much more vulnerable to abuse, sexual or otherwise. I see you only imagining yourself as a potential abuser or harm, but what I’m seeing is someone who could be very vulnerable to abuse or being harmed.

I think that without getting help in healing for yourself, you’re likely to have a really hard time with sexual relationships right now, and not likely to feel or be very safe or comfortable in them. For that reason, I’d suggest putting dating and sex with others on the back-burner for now until you can make some good progress turning these feelings about yourself and your sexuality around and feel confident in your ability to be a sexual partner who you know is safe for others as well as for yourself. Feeling terrified about doing someone harm and only being reminded of the actual or possible abuse of your family members does not sound, at all, like the kind of headspace that supports healthy, sexual relationships or interactions that feel really good to you, physically and emotionally. If you feel frustrated sexually — something we all can feel, including when we have partners and even when we’re having sex with them — and like you want to express your sexuality in a way you can feel safe about, I’d suggest sticking with masturbation alone for a while longer, until you feel much better about yourself and sexuality than you do right now. Masturbation usually takes care of much of the physical aspect of our sexual desires very well, and can be a positive way to affirm sexuality as something safe and good, and while I understand you likely also have some emotional desires involving sex with partners, too, I think even with the opportunity, those aren’t likely to be met until you get some healing.

I strongly suggest you seek out a qualified counselor or therapist to help you get started with all of this stuff, and to take a big step in really taking care of yourself with someone who knows and will constantly reaffirm that you are a person who deserves to be taken care of, who is a good person and who is someone worthy of trust and a sexuality and sense of self they feel good about. It sounds like you’ve lived with this for the whole of your life: that’s a lot of emotional injury to undo, and that kind of healing takes time and some really good help.

In counseling, if you still have concerns about harming anyone, you can voice those and your counselor or therapist can help you to assess that reality. If it does seem viable to them, they help you to be sure you and others stay safe. If they feel the way I do, and I suspect they will, they can give you a lot of help and tools to use so that over time, you can let go of that fear and feel more free to live your life and get close to people in the ways you want to, including sexually. That person can also help you develop a better sense, if you need that help, of what’s healthy and sound in sexual choices and actions and what is not, both on your end and from sexual partners.

No one page like this could possibly undo the damage that’s been done to you and turn all of this around today. I can’t tell you how much I wish that it could, and how much I wish I had the power to magic all of these scary and negative feelings away for you right this very second. I am heartbroken to hear you, or anyone, feeling like you are and have been. You deserve a much, much better life and sense of self than this.

I hope that this at least can help you get started on a path to the good stuff, though. If you want some help finding someone in-person who can help you take it from here, I’d be glad to help you with that. You can start by looking at this database of services we have here, and if you can’t find anyone that way, just let me know and I’d be glad to help you out. I’d also be happy to suggest some books I think might help you out, both about healing and finding a masculinity that feels comfortable to you, and about sexuality in general. I have a young adult sexuality guide I penned myself that I offer free copies of, when I can, to people who really need it and can’t afford it or find it in their area, even at the library. If you think something like that would be helpful and are not in the position to buy or otherwise access it yourself, if you drop me an email with a postal address, I’d be delighted to donate a copy to you.

Want something you can get started on right now, today, besides starting to look into counseling? One thing you can do that’s very easy and can be very powerful is just to come up with a short, positive affirmation you can say to yourself in moments where you’re feeling like this, or even put on a sticky-note in places you go to and see each day, like your bathroom mirror. Maybe something like, “I’m a good man, a good person and my sexuality is a good thing that can do good,” or “I can and do care for myself and others, and my gender and sexuality can help me to do that, not keep me from doing that,” or “Men can be safe. Sexuality can be safe. I can be and feel safe for myself and for others,” or something else that gives you a positive, powerful and supportive message about your gender, your sexuality and your without-a-question capacity to be the caring, kind person I have absolutely no doubt that you are.

(P.S. If you want to get your Mom some help, or at least give her some resources she can use to seek it out herself, I can help with that, too. You’re my concern right now, not her, but if she’s never had any help at all in healing, I’m also concerned about her. You might find that it feels positive for you to help her get the help she obviously has needed for a long time. It’s okay if that’s not something you want to do or try and help with, though, and I could certainly understand if that feels way too loaded given the ways she’s hurt you. Even if you do want to do that, I’d encourage you to put most of your energy into taking care of yourself. I think it’s high time for you, who you are and how you’re hurting to come first.)