Middle School Proves to Be the Most Stressful Time — for the Whole Family

The terrible twos have nothing on the middle school blues. Seems as though puberty, algebra and bullying does outweigh potty training, nap-time strikes and picky eating habits, according to new research from Arizona State University published in the journal Developmental Psychology. And it's not just tweens and teens who are suffering — moms are, too.

"Mothers are deeply invested in the well being of their children, so when children go through trying times so do their moms," study researchers Suniya Luthar and Lucia Cicolla wrote.

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Luthar and Ciocolla studied more than 2,200 well-educated mothers with children ranging from infants to adults and examined multiple aspects of mothers' personal well-being, parenting and perceptions of their children. The results are in: Moms of middle-school children, between 12 and 14 years old, were far more stressed and depressed than those rearing toddlers.

Why? Researchers point to the challenging transitions of that age group. They suggested preteens want to gain independence, moving away from mom's reign. They're transiting away from the relative safety of elementary school into the larger, more impersonal junior high environment. The awkwardness of puberty and popular cliques obviously dampen the middle school experience, too. Other hot points include competition in academics and extracurricular activities.

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Amid these challenges, moms are essentially the first responders to the children's distress — and cheering up a child with a funny face or bear hug doesn't quite solve bullying or pimple embarrassment. "They must figure out how best to offer comfort and reassurance, as the old ways no longer work," Luthar explained.

Parent Valari Avilez agrees and says the hardest part of having a thirteen-year-old is dealing with her daughter's desire for space. "She has this attitude like she doesn't need me anymore," the mom from Stevens Point, Wisconsin, tells GoodHousekeeping.com.

And when Melissa Auld's daughter hit middle school, she says, "Everything changed for us." The mom from Thornton, Colorado, adds that even the nearly two hours earlier bus time proved difficult. "She's not a morning person at all. The alarm goes off at 5:30 am and 15-minutes later I'm making sure she's up." Auld says her sixth-grader also had to adjust to changing classes, the responsibility of a locker, and abiding by school policy that says students can't carry a backpack around the halls and it must be stored in the locker at all times.

The study also found that "being popular" is highly important to middle-schoolers. "The social circle was instantly too much for her to handle," says Auld. "Everyone has to have a boyfriend, or you are singled out, which results in bullying. All the kids are on social media so she begged for instagram, snapchat and it's too much for me to manage, let alone her."

All this stress weighs heavily on mom according to the researchers. "Studies showing moms of early adolescents are likely experiencing their own developmental challenges as they begin to recognize declines in physical abilities, cognitive functioning and increased awareness of mortality. It also is a period when (according to other studies) martial satisfaction is the lowest and strife the highest."

There's hope: Luthar suggests two interventions that can be done to minimize mothers' stress. First, don't wait for middle school to start talking about change. She says explain what's to come in the earlier years and then keep the conversation going. Next, moms need to find support for themselves — whether they hash it out with a partner, girlfriends or in a group dynamic.