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GAUGE: 4 sc = 1’’.

It’s critical to check your gauge for this pattern. If your Santa and Elf end up looking deformed, your children’s therapy bills will go through the roof.

SANTA: With red, beg at top, ch 2. Rnd 1: 6 sc in 2nd ch from hook. Mark end of rnds.Rnd 2: 2 sc in each sc around.Rnds 3 and 4: Work even on 12 sc.Rnd 5: (Sc in next sc, 2 sc in next sc) 6 times.Rnd 6: Work even on 18 sc.Rnd 7: (Sc in next 2 sc, 2 sc in next sc) 6 times.Rnd 8: Work even on 24 sc.Rnd 9: (Sc in next 3 sc, 2 sc in next sc) 6 times.Rnd 10: Work even on 30 sc.Rnd 11: (Sc in next 4 sc, 2 sc in next sc) 6 times.Rnd 12: Work even on 36 sc. Change to pink.

Presumably pink’s intended to represent Caucasian flesh tone. Personally, I wouldn’t want to use a colour that makes Santa look like his blood pressure’s so high his heart’s going to explode.

FINISHING: Make a 1’’ white pompon; sew to top of hat. With white, work 1 row of sc around lower edge of hat. For beard, thread double strand of white in yarn needle, work 2 rows of knotted loop st down each side and across lower edge of face. For mustache, wind yarn 30 times around 2 fingers. Tie tog at center, sew to face. From felt, cut 2 blue crescent eyes, red circular nose, yellow rectangular belt buckle. Glue in place.

ELF: With green, work as for Santa through rnd 12. Do not change to pink.Rnd 13: (Sc in next 5 sc, 2 sc in next sc) 6 times.Rnd 14: Work even on 42 sc.Rnd 15: (Sc in next 6 sc, 2 sc in next sc) 6 times. Change to pink.Rnds 16 and 17: Work even on 48 sc.Rnds 18 – 23: Inc 6 sc evenly around on rnd 18. Work 5 rnds even on 54 sc. Change to red.Rnds 24 – 29: Work 6 rnds even. Change to black.Rnds 30 and 31: Work 2 rnds even. Change to green.Rnds 32 and 33: Work 2 rnds even.Rnds 34 – 40: Work and finish as for rnds 32 – 38 of Santa.Arms: Work as for Santa, working rnds 1 – 6 in pink, 7 – 17 in green.Legs: Work as for Santa, using green throughout.Shoes (make 2): With green, ch 2. Rnd 1: 6 sc in 2nd ch from hook.Rnds 2 and 3: Work even.Rnd 4: 2 sc in each sc around.Rnds 5 – 8: Work even on 12 sc. End off. Stuff shoes lightly. Sew to bottom front of legs.

But if you decide you’d like to embrace Humpty-Santa in all his rotund glory, then be sure to make one of these cakes to go with him!

Humpty Dumpty Cake from McCall’s Book of Cakes and Pies, 1965

Just slap a Santa hat on ol’ Humpty here, and you’ll have your very own Humpty Santa Cake! Doesn’t he look delicious, balanced on his wall of real bricks. Yep, real bricks not delicious chocolate cake. I hope somebody warned the kiddies before they started chowing down.

What? You actually want the recipe for Humpty Cake?

Oh, all right. But only because it’s Christmas.

No home, we say, is complete without a recipe for a very special cake to honor a very special occasion. It should be a dazzling show-off of a cake. We don’t deny that such a cake takes real skill, but we guarantee this: you won’t regret a minute of the time it took when you hear the oh’s and ah’s of approval.

No pressure, though! Because ruining this cake will in no way destroy Christmas and make your children hate you for the rest of their lives.

Wow, that’s an awful lot of sugar. Try not to breathe deeply while sifting those ten cups of sugar, or you’ll end up with type II diabetes.

1. Preheat oven to 300F. Lightly grease and flour 2 (1 1/2-quart size) heatproof bowls (6 3/4 inches in diameter) and 1 (10 oz) custard cup.
2. Make both packages of poundcake mix together as label directs, using the 4 eggs and amount of water specified on package. Lightly swirl chocolate into batter just until combined.
3. Put 3/4 cup batter in custard cup. Divide remaining batter into the 2 bowls.
4. Bake cakes at same time. Bake small cake 55 minutes and larger ones 1 hour and 20 minutes, or until cake tester inserted in center comes out clean.

I don’t know about you, but when I read “cake tester inserted in center”. I immediately thought of a tiny, shrieking elf being forcibly stuffed into the center of a hot cake.

Now we know what really happens to elves who want to become dentists.

5. Let cool, in cup and bowls, 10 minutes. With a sharp knife, loosen edges; turn out on wire racks; cool completely.
6. From top of each cake, cut a thin slice crosswise to make cakes level. Brush off any loose crumbs. Cut the 2 large cakes in half crosswise, as in diagram.
7. Make creamy-fudge frosting as package label directs.
8. Put 2 halves of each of the 2 large cakes together, using 1/4 cup frosting between halves.
9. To make Humpty Dumpty’s egg shape, invert 1 large cake on top of other, putting together with 1/2 cup frosting. Invert small cake on top, putting together with rest of frosting. Insert a wooden skewer through center of cakes, from top to bottom, to make secure. Place on serving plate.

Oh, I saw this on the Ultimate Cake Off! This is the moment when the entire cake crumbles to pieces, and with only fifteen minutes left to complete the challenge, all the bakers start running around in a panic.

And they say there’s nothing good on TV anymore.

10. To decorate: In large bowl of electric mixer, at high speed, beat 3 egg whites just until soft peaks form when beater is raised. Gradually beat in 6 cups confectioners’ sugar, beating until stiff peaks form. (If necessary, add a little more sugar to make this frosting stiff enough to spread and cling.)
11. Using small metal spatula, spread frosting over entire cake, covering seams and rounding out to give an oval shape. Occasionally dip spatula in hot water, so frosting will be easier to spread. Let set completely – at least 4 hours.

When was the last time you spent a whole day baking a cake? Was it worth it when your heard the ‘oh’s and ah’s of approval’? Or did you swear, “Never again!” after your darling children announced that they’d rather have the “Pink Punk Humpty Dumpty” from Cake Wrecks?

12. In large bowl of electric mixer, at high speed, beat remaining egg whites just until soft peaks form when beater is raised. Gradually beat in 4 cups confectioners’ sugar, beating until stiff peaks form. (If necessary, add a little more sugar to make frosting stiff enough to spread and cling.)
13. Using small metal spatula, spread frosting evenly over first coating, covering entire cake and making frosting as smooth as possible. Dip spatula in hot water so frosting will be easier to spread.
14. To make frosting very smooth, brush lightly with soft pastry brush, moistened with a little hot water – be careful not to make frosting too wet.

Step 14-A. Double your dose of anxiety meds in a last ditch attempt to get your perfectionism under control.

15. Let dry 1 hour. With small wooden skewer, lightly mark position of eyes, nose and mouth. Also outline collar and tie. Let dry completely – several hours.
16. Then, with soft paintbrush dipped in appropriate food color, paint cake, as shown in the color photo.
17. Insert wooden skewers in cake, for arms and legs. Place half a blue straw over each.
18. To serve: With a sharp knife, slide down through cake, cutting a quarter at a time. Cut each quarter into 3 slices; cut each slice in half crosswise.
MAKES 24 SERVINGSNote: Cake will be easier to frost if baked one day; stored, wrapped in foil; and frosted the next day.

Geez, now they tell me, after I already tried to frost the warm cake and ended up with this caketastrophe instead of a Happy Humpty Santa.

Still, if your cake is a complete disaster, you can always just dump the rest of your icing sugar over it and stick your crocheted Santa and Elf on top. Tell the kids it’s an edible diorama of the North Pole. With ten cups of icing sugar inside them, trust me, they won’t care!

Thank you SOOO much for this pattern! I have been looking everywhere for a pattern of this santa. I had one as a kid and want to make one for my daughter. After hours of scrolling through vintage patterns on e-bay I found your page!

My now deceased Mother made hand puppets for my girls years ago. Been hunting for the pattern forever now... can't seem to find it. She made Santa hand puppet along with Mrs.Claus. would you happen to have the pattern.. or know of anyone that does?

Thank you for your reply. I looked, that is close but no cigar. ;( which ever it was, I'm pretty sure it would have the instructions for both Santa and Mrs. Claus.. because they were both similar in appearance.

What madness is this?

This blog is the result of a near OCD compulsion to transcribe - and mock! - vintage patterns, ads, and other odds and sods. And you, dear reader, are the fortunate beneficiary.

Every month you will discover new patterns from the past century. These are the vintage gems that generations of women have inflicted upon husbands, children and themselves.

You are cordially invited to recreate these products of subconscious hostility and not-so-passive aggression. Send photos of the results to victoriadunnwrites (at) hotmail (dot) com, and I will be delighted to mock them for you.