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I’m wholly abashed at the length of time that has lapsed since my latest post. My only, and admittedly quite sorry, solution is to re-visit thoughts I entertained several plus months ago. With that in mind, imagine yourself back in late winter, as you read the following:

I want to be world politics savvy. My strategy: to read news journals, in the hopes of gradually becoming euro-area crisis, Chinese foreign policy, and American gun control fluent. I decided to begin my attack with a January 2013 issue of The Economist. Unfortunately, the only article I found to be even remotely enticing was a comparison of the management styles of the Ford, General Motors, and Chrysler CEOs. This was buried between analyses of the Greek economy and the growing hostility between China and Japan over the Senkaku islands. Not willing to abandon my endeavor just yet, however, I next purchased a February 2013 issue of Bloomberg Businessweek, which presented itself as a casual stroll in a park devoid of hills, in comparison to The Economist. Feeling much more chummy with the news rack at the bookstore, I next grabbed Harper’s Magazine. And that’s where my exploration of world affairs was quickly diverted, seeing as how the excess of stream-of-consciousness literary vignettes in said-publication were much more distracting than was their more cogent reporting on the Ron Paul movement (yes, even their informative articles veered slightly away from the mainstream).

Naturally, Harper’s contrived efforts at creative thought led me to contemplate my own ability in that realm. Keeping a focus on world politics, I got to thinking about potential alternative career paths for some of our nation’s government officials. Though a bit less serious than shaping our nation’s future, the new roles I’ve envisioned for the political celebrities below are certainly more fascinating:

1. Jay Carney, as the leader of a “We the Everyday Hipsters’ Movement”: President Obama’s Press Secretary, Jay Carney, briefly wore glasses that screamed ‘hipster.’ Naturally, being a representative of the public, he denied any connections between himself and the hipster movement at a September 2011 press conference, coining his new eyewear as simply “retro-nerdy.”

Now, true hipsterism demands a strained effort to stay out of the mainstream. Yet their eclectic prototype has been carefully studied and documented, down to the number of times they engage in hygienic activities per week. In their efforts to reject what’s popular, the hipsters accidentally became what everyone wants to be. Urban Outfitters and American Apparel are mass manufacturing jeans for the malnourished, ugly scarves, and ironically confusing statement tees. There’s even a wiki article on ‘How to be a Hipster.’

Whether the hipsters will admit it or not, they are now a brand, and it’s time for someone to take ownership of it. And who better than Jay Carney, with his wealth of experience in public communications, and not-so-secret interest in hipster fashion?? I see a future for him in pioneering a merger between the culturally aloof and the everyday people, making it brand name acceptable to have an androgynous hairstyle and horse hoof-esque shoes. Oh, and if the hipsters don’t like their brush with everyone else? That’s perfectly alright; with Carney’s track record for dodging the press’s questions, we’ll never find out anyway.

2. Newt Gingrich, as a Reader for Children’s Audio Books: Though what comes out of Newt’s mouth these days is usually gibberish which places him on a slightly higher pedestal than the one God occupies, there is something soothing about the quality of his voice. Rather than me try to describe it in words, just listen to it:

In this clip, he’s discussing the threat of Electromagnetic Pulse, but the gentle tone of his voice makes me feel safe and secure, not like a target for acts of terrorism. It’s downright confusing. On the other hand, he’d make a great voice for Piglet in the Winnie-the-Pooh series, or for Mole in Wind in the Willows.

In addition to my suggestions above on how Carney and Gingrich could re-shape their futures, I’ve re-molded fried rice, below, such that I can eat it everyday without guilt!

HEALTHY FRIED RICE (Servings: 1; but 4 servings of rice)

INGREDIENTS:

-1 cup minus 2 Tbs. dry rice

-1/2 white onion

-20 snow peas

-3.2 oz. 99% fat-free ground turkey

-seasonings: salt, chili powder, garlic salt

-1 egg

-2 stalks green onion

-1 Tbs. soy sauce or stir fry sauce

DIRECTIONS:

Cook the rice in 2.5 cups water. Once done, divide into four servings and place three of these in a tupperware container for later use. Meanwhile, dice the onion and sauté along with the snow peas in a skillet sprayed with Pam. Season with salt. Add ground turkey; season with chili powder and garlic salt. Once turkey is cooked, add egg. Once egg is cooked, add green onions, soy sauce, and rice. Once hot, eat.

CALORIES: 400

I literally have eaten some variation of this recipe every day since last Monday. Tweak, if you would like; the snow peas are definitely not irreplaceable.