Category: Clueless Mommy

So, I was talking to the Ladies over at one of my favorite charities about an upcoming event. I was holding Dubs’ and noticed he needed a diaper change. We finished our conversation, I said my good-byes and headed to the truck to change his diaper.

A couple of weeks before Christmas break, I got a call from Georgia Peach’s preschool…

The Office Lady: Hello. This is The Office Lady from “The Best Preschool In Town” (well, it is). Your daughter, GP has been complaining that her head hurts and she wants to come home.

Me: Her head hurts? Did she fall? Was she hit in the head? What happened?

The Office Lady: Her Teacher says she has mentioned that her head hurt a couple of times so, she thought she should just come home.

Me: Okay, I am on my way.

Now, from the time I ended the call until I got to the school (a 10 minute ride from our house), I had self diagnosed GP with everything from an aneurysm to a tumor! My mind was in overdrive so, I needed to get there quickly.

As I arrived at the school and readied myself to get out of the truck, I noticed my attire. And it did. not. look. good!

After I dropped off GP at school earlier that day, I decided to sort clothes to donate to Goodwill. Naturally, if I came across something I was on the fence about putting in the bag, I would try it on to ensure I wanted to give it up. I know…such a charitable heart.

When I received the call, I was trying on a maxi dress that I would normally wear with a tank top underneath because of the plunging neckline. I had been home alone all morning, so didn’t pay much attention to my clothes or what was “exposed”. I never thought to change clothes, I just grabbed my keys and left. Thankfully, I am obsessed with cardigans and had one in the truck with me. Whew! Unfortunately…it was a v-neck and didn’t help. Boo! Now, I was in a “make it work” situation a la Project Runway and felt Tim Gunn would be somewhat displeased with how I fashioned the top of the v-neck sweater together with my child’s hair accessories.

Sorry, Tim.

I dashed into the school clutching my sweater top and checked in with the security guard. He instructed me to head to the office. I rushed into the office and noticed my baby laying in the chair. I picked her up and began asking what was wrong.

Me: Hey, Sweet Pea. Are you okay?

GP: Mommy, my head hurts.

Me: Where does it hurt? Did you hit your head?

Interrupting our one-on-one…

The Office Lady: You will need to sign her out.

I throw her a look.

Relax, Lady. This is my first sick call and I don’t see a line forming behind me.

As I leaned down to put GP back in the chair, the hair accessories holding my sweater top closed start to shift in unflattering ways. Luckily, the verbally observant GP doesn’t notice I am coming undone. I grabbed the top of the sweater, turned around and leaned down to sign her out. By the time I picked GP back up, the sweater was open and “situations” were in jeopardy of being exposed. I positioned her in front to cover me and carried her through the church lobby (yep, her preschool is in a church) to get to the parking lot.

Once we got home, I gave GP some Children’s Tylenol and we cuddled on the couch until she fell asleep. A few hours later she was all better and that dress ended up in the “toss pile”:-)

After I spoke to GP’s Teacher, it all made sense. For the past 3 days, GP and I had been picking up her BFF, Carolina Belle from her preschool to play until her mother picked her up from our house. So GP had been skipping her much-needed daily nap to play.

Side Note: Anyone that has spent more than 10 minutes with GP knows that Carolina Belle is her BFF. Recently, GP convinced a friend at school that Carolina Belle (who attends a different school in a neighboring town) was also their BF. GP was so convincing that the little girl’s Mother asked me about their new friend, Carolina Belle!GP will do anything to spend as much time with Carolina Belle as possible.

Turns out she was simply an exhausted preschooler, too much play and not enough rest. Seriously, when will I learn? Truly some of our finest work as a Mother/Daughter team.

When I was pregnant with GeorgiaPeach (GP), the Coach and I decided that we aka I would breastfeed our Little Peach. I made him promise me that if I wanted to quit he would remind me of the commitment I made to our family and to stay with it. Sounded simple enough to us. What could possibly go wrong?

We took a breastfeeding class. I read books and asked my Circle of Moms who had breastfed successfully and (not so successfully) what I could expect. I was as prepared as I could be. One emergency C-Section later, I was in the breastfeeding business or…so I thought.

It was a rough start for me. I was nursing GP on demand as you should but, I didn’t realize she didn’t need to nurse for an unlimited amount of time! My precious baby was channeling Clubber Lang, kinda like this scene from Rocky III.

After going to my corner and spending 3 days feeling like a human pacifier, unlike Rocky, I was ready to throw in the towel. Can I order some formula, please? And that was when all of my ‘I Just Had A Baby And She Depends On Me To Eat’ emotions came to the surface and I broke down.

Me (crying): I quit! I’m not breastfeeding anymore. I don’t know what I’m doing. And IT HURTS! Did I miss someone telling me that part?

The Coach (very concerned and looking for the slightest symptoms of Postpartum Depression): What happened?

Me (still crying): I don’t think GP is getting enough to eat, I am still waiting for my milk “to come in” and I miss my Mom! Listen, before you even start with me, I don’t have PPD so stop looking at me like that, this is normal, I JUST HAD A BABY! And no, I do NOT want to harm myself or our child, okay? I know there are other symptoms but trust me I’m fine, exhausted but, fine.

The Coach: Okay. But Babe, you don’t want to quit. You and I both know it. You are doing great, GP is definitely filling up these diapers so she is getting fed. I don’t know what you are feeling but, I will do everything I can to help and support you. Should we call someone?

The Coach: Wait. It hurts?

Me (exhausted): I don’t know who else to call! I’ve called Jesus, my Friends, the Lactation Consultant from the hospital AND I emailed the instructor from the class. I have one more day left in me and that is it!

So…I didn’t quit, my milk ‘came in’ the next morning (the way I found out was pretty hilarious but, I will spare everyone the details) and I successfully breastfed GP for the next 11 months. 🙂 But the point of this entire post is that the I felt slightly bamboozled by the masses.

Breastfeeding hurts…in the beginning.

Now, before you go all Lactation Consultant on me, hear me out.

As a first time natural “provider” of nourishment to a newborn, I had never (ahem) used my lady parts in such a capacity or as much in a short time span. Know what I mean? Even when you are doing it correctly you will be sore, in the beginning. And I had cooling pads, creams, a nursing pillow, a comfy chair, etc! The whole process took some getting used to and I was reminded that we were both learning what to do. Obviously, a number of women are not able to breastfeed for various reasons so, I get it. You have to do what works for you and YOUR family. Period.

So…I said all of that to say…if you are thinking about breastfeeding or if you just started, the truth is you will be sore and there will likely be some pain but, the experience was one I would never trade. Once I relaxed and settled in, GP and I started to work together. The pain DID go away and the experience transformed into what I envisioned all along, our first collaborative effort. 😉

This year marked my first Valentine’s Day…with a Preschooler. A week before the big day, GeoriaPeach’s Teacher sent the Parents an email with some details for the celebration:

The party would be small and just for the kids (the last few parties families attended)

Send Valentine’s Day cards with your Child’s name in the from column only and,

Respond via email if you would be sending a treat for the class.

Perfect! Sounds easy enough.

I responded to GP’s teacher indicating that I would send some brownies bites (my contribution in ensuring the kids went home with the right amount of sugar). Now, before you judge me…I have been VERY good with sending wholesome snacks for celebrations and parties. I thought, a couple of brownies won’t hurt, right? I pulled out some old Valentine’s Day cards I had lying around the house, signed them with GP’s government name and put them in her bag for school. Simple enough for a class of 7 two year-olds, right?

Oh, Clueless Mommy, when will you learn??

Valentine’s Day mailbox filled with evil candy from one of GP’s friends.

When I walked into GP’s classroom to pick her up I was horrified to see ALL the cute gifts (she even got a book) and treats she had gotten from her classmates! They wouldn’t even all fit in her book bag.

All I sent were cheesy Sports Themed cards, which aren’t exactly a reflection of her current interests or activities. Boo! She loves ballet, Doc McStuffins and Bubble Guppies.

But the absolute best part of the day was this conversation with GP’s Teacher.

Teacher: You guys must not give GP donuts?

Me: No, it is a pretty rare occasion if she has one. Why? What happened?

Teacher: Well, one of the Parents brought in some Munchkins for our party. She ate 3 of them right away so, we had to cut her off. We cleaned her face and clothes, she had powdered sugar all over.

Me (laughing): Oh, Lord!

I turned to look at GP, she and the other girls were running around in a circle out of control. I guess the other Mom thought, a couple of donuts won’t hurt, right?

So, the Coach was visiting my Mother In Law and decided to spend another night with her. When the Coach travels, our house becomes unbalanced aka wacky house. Both Georgia Peach (GP) and Coco Bean (our Yorkie) respond in their own special way.

Coco waiting for the Coach.

Coco will sit upstairs in a chair that overlooks the driveway and street until the Coach returns. He will go out to do his “business”, eat, and drink some water only to resume his post until the Coach is home. Kinda sweet.

Our little Georgia Peach will go into every room in the house calling for “Daddy” when she thinks it’s time for him to be home. Normally, I can distract her with her bedtime routine but, this particular night she had other things planned for her naive Mommy.

After putting her down for what I thought was the night, an hour later I hear… “Helloooo? Helloooo? Mommy!”

I walk to her room to find GP standing up in her crib. I check the room temperature, her diaper, her blankets, her “baby” doll all fine. I kiss her, lay her back down, walk out of the room, and close her door. For the next FIVE hours we do the “My Daddy Didn’t Kiss Me Goodnight So It’s Your Problem Now, Mommy” dance.

Frustrated and exhausted (and by this time laying on the couch) I sent a text to the Coach.

Me: Your child has been up every hour since I laid her down. Checked everything, she is fine. So tired.

The Coach: I’m sorry, babe. If you checked and she is fine, next time don’t go in there, just let her get back to sleep on her own. She will be fine.

Then, she starts to cry and the ‘Hellos’ become louder and funnier (don’t judge me, if you heard it you would agree, funny!). I was chuckling quietly on the couch when she stops crying and I think, “Wow, the Coach might actually be onto something.”

That’s when I heard it…

THUMP!

I think I stopped breathing! My heart was pounding in my chest as I ran into her room to find that my TWO YEAR OLD had revolted and climbed/jumped/fell out of her crib (she hasn’t even tried to climb out of the crib up until this point so, seriously?)!

I picked her up frantically checking her head, eyes, ears, arms, legs at the same time kissing and hugging her. GP didn’t cry at all, put her head on my shoulder, and went back to sleep. I laid her down in her crib and went back to the couch.

Obviously, I didn’t go back to sleep. I was freaked out and afraid Georgia Peach would slip into a coma or something so spent the rest of the night checking on her. Of course, I sent a text to the Coach which by this time was fast asleep in FL so, he didn’t see the message until he woke up.

Me: Ummm, your Baby JUMPED out of her crib. I no longer take advice from you.

Before we had our Georgia Peach (GP) we decided that we would have someone come to our house to watch her after I went back to work full-time. We were still new to the area at the time and felt this would be the best option for my new-found obsession aka our baby girl. Which worked out for both of us…the less I freaked out about childcare the better it would be for The Coach’s sanity. 😉 So, I found a couple of great candidates on sittercity.com. and started interviewing for a full-time Nanny a few weeks before my return to work date. We settled on our current Nanny and all was well for about two weeks when I (trying to get to know her better) asked if she and her fiance’ planned to have any kids. Her response, ‘yeah, in March’. What the what? Now, don’t get me wrong, I loves the kids, I truly do. I congratulated her and asked all the questions you ask when you find out someone is preggers. But in the front, back, and side of my mind all I could think was…Damn, Damn, Damn! (Florida Evans style).

Photo credit-tvparty.com

So, after months of eating junk food, drinking sodas daily, and a diagnosis of gestational diabetes, our Nanny decides to start her maternity leave a week before our agreed upon ‘end date’. Are you kidding me? Now, this is partly my fault, I was thinking our last experience was the norm so I waited two weeks out to start interviewing-a week of interviews, then a week of training with the current Nanny-perfect, right? Not even close-now we have a week to interview, test out a Nanny to see if GP agrees and train. Seriously, I’m an idiot. Surely, good times are ahead…

First Girl: Brought her Husband to the interview. I guess if we had posted something on Craigslist, definitely. But, the funniest thing about this was, her Military Husband was scared of the Coach! She never once interacted with GP. No, thanks.

Second Girl: Very friendly, immediately interacted with GP, asked about our daughter’s schedule, likes/dislikes. Only concern was she also asked what our 8 month old’s favorite tv show was, say what? We don’t like GP watching tv, so my concern was TV Nanny would be watching tv all day and so would GP. On the fence…

Third Girl: Passed the interview with us but, never showed up for the home visit. Thanks for saving us the trouble.

So after the background check and references were complete we went with TV Nanny for the maternity leave. After some very specific instructions, things were going fairly smoothly until two weeks before our wedding. I had a day trip out-of-town to take care of some wedding business and on my way back, I received a call from the Coach.

Me: “Hey, Babe.”

The Coach: “Hey. How are you? Quick question, are we having some work done at the house?”

Me: “Ummm, no. Why? What’s going on?”

The Coach: “There is a pickup truck in our driveway with AL plates.”

Me: “WHAT IN THE …. Where are you? TV Nanny’s Boyfriend is from AL. Do not pass go, go in the house now!!! WAIT, let me call her and see if she says anything. Hold on don’t leave…”

I call TV Nanny ask her how GP was, where she was, and what she was doing. She tells me she is fine, she is in her playpen playing with her toys. I specifically ask her if there is anything else going on, SHE. SAYS. NO. I call the Coach back.

Me: “Hey. Go into the house. She didn’t say anything about anyone being there and if there is another person in my house with my baby I’m going to end up in jail.”

The Coach: “I’m going in.”

Me: “Call me back.”

The Coach goes in the house walks directly to GP who was in the playpen playing with her toys and picks her up then turns to TV Nanny.

Pissed Off Daddy: “Who is this? We don’t allow people we haven’t met in our house and around our child.”

Scared TV Nanny: “Umm, its my boyfriend he asked if I wanted some lunch and I didn’t think it would be a problem.”

(Boyfriend jumps up to shake Pissed Off Daddy’s hand-Pissed Off Daddy does not oblige).

Pissed Off Daddy: “Well, it IS a problem and the fact that you don’t think it is, makes it a bigger problem. This is a conversation we anticipate having with a 16-year-old babysitter not our full-time Nanny. You can leave now, we will call you over the weekend.”

The Coach calls me back and updates me while I freak out the rest of my trip home. I follow-up with TV Nanny and tell her we will talk in person on Monday AM. So, Monday rolls around and at 810a I get a text from TV Nanny…‘I’ve been so worried all weekend and I feel so badly about not asking if my boyfriend could bring me some lunch but, I think it is best if I quit. You can mail my check to this address…’

She was scheduled to come at 830a. Did this chick just quit via text 20 minutes before she had to work? You can imagine the tailspin this put me in, needless to say we managed to keep things afloat for the next 3 weeks which turned out to be the exact time Junk Food Nanny was returning.

Guess who had a giant Rice Krispie treat, a box of Dunkin Donuts, and a six-pack of sodas waiting upon her return?

After I had Georgia Peach, the Coach and I thought it would be a good idea for me to check out getting involved with some like-minded people aka a Mommy Group. Now, I already have a Circle of Mommies I chat with and seek advice from but, most of these fab Mamas are far, far, far away from me. 😦 Continue reading → That Just Happened!