Alright, so you’re thinking about your long-term financial security. Maybe you’re tired of making the rounds like a MARPAT-clad Oliver Twist, cover in hand, begging for more, please, so you can afford your monthly phone bill and streaming service payment.

The day has finally arrived. You sprint out of the company office, bounding across the grass as SNCOs and boot-tenants holler to “stay off the daggum grass.” But it doesn’t matter. You’ve made it. You’re untouchable. You’re free. You have your DD-214, and your last paycheck burning a hole in your pocket. Time to hop in that Ford F-150 that you financed at 20% and roar past the base gates for a road trip back to your hometown.