Thursday, April 16, 2009

I agree with gay rights, but ...

In my last post, I mentioned that I was very upset about the wording of Iowa's Supreme Court decision on same-sex marriage. They reiterated the stance that sexual orientation cannot be changed, and then said that gay and lesbian individuals cannot fulfill the need for a deep relationship with a marriage to someone of the opposite sex.

While I completely understand why some gay and lesbian individuals do not necessarily want to be married to someone of the opposite sex, there are those that do. I don't know what to call myself now - I think I am bisexual - but I was definitely gay a year ago, and I wanted an opposite sex marriage. Now that I am finally married, I am happier than I thought possible. I have feelings for my wife that I never thought was possible for me to have with a woman.

I have been more vocal about rights and recognition for couples where one of the partners has same-sex attractions as of late, and I have been surprised at the reaction. I get five main reactions:

1) Gay people should not try to change or try to make a heterosexual marriage work.

They say we are not really happy, or we are lying to ourselves. They say it is a good thing to discourage people from enter into marriages, and even that those already in such a marriage should break up. Whatever happened to we could be with whoever we want to be with?

2) No one is telling you what you should do.

Obviously, these people haven't talked to people in group one. Or at least until they don't really understand what I am talking about, and then once they do many oin the people in group 1.

3) I don't matter.

Someone actually told me that first we need to fight for the rights of the majority of gays before we even start to be concerned about the minority of gays.

4) Gays who are heterosexually married work must really be bisexual.

I guess it depends on your definition of bisexual. My question is whether it is possible to change your sexual orientation? I was only attracted to men before my wife. Am I now bisexual? If that is the case, then that means gays can change their sexual orientation and become bisexual. Therefore gays can make a heterosexual marriage work, because they changed their orientation.

5) I never thought of that before.

Finally some open minded people. There actually are quite a few gay rights activists who recognize the fact that not everyone who is gay wants a lifestyle pushed down their throats. Camile Paglio is one that comes to mind.

What I wantUltimately, we have a lot of the same goals. I also want an environment free of homophobia. I want to reduce the suicide rate of gays and lesbians. I want children to be able to tell their parents that they think they might be gay without their parents telling them they are going to hell.

Can we work together on these goals? I would like to see people acknowledge that some gays want and can succeed at making a fulfilling marriage with someone of the opposites sex. I would like people to acknowledge that while sexual attractions are not a choice, sexual behavior is a choice.

I would like people to stop saying that churches are anti-gay that teach that gays can receive peace through coming to Christ and giving up same-sex relationships. I have received so much happiness and peace through this teaching, and it hurts me that anyone would accuse a church that has brought me so much peace of being unloving or unwelcoming towards gays.

I would like for people to stop saying bans on same-sex marriage eliminates the rights of gays to get married. Say it eliminates the rights of same-sex couples to get married.

Finally, I want schools to teach an unbiased view of homosexuality. Teach some gays have found happiness in same-sex relationships, but others have found happiness in celibacy or opposite-sex relationships. Teach the children that they have the power to choose the direction of their lives, and not to listen to what anyone else tells them is right or wrong.

5 comments:

I think it's really great that you've found happiness in your marriage. I am with an opposite-sex partner who is beautifully irresistible and I couldn't be with anyone else. I would never want to be. The thing is that sometimes, a person just meets someone else and that person is all they want. They fall in love. This happens for people of the same gender. I know because my parents were this way. They are two beautiful women who love each other and their family. I saw your NPR comment about children needing both a father and a mother and I was outraged. True, children need both adult men and women in their lives. However, what is most important is love. Love within a family is the most important thing. I was raised by two women and I have the most tight-knit family I know of. We have weekly family dinners and I ate dinners with my parents most nights when I still lived at home. I attended a private college-prep school and I am currently attending an elite institute in pursuit of a bachelor's degree. Children with queer parents turn out different ways depending on how good their parents were. My parents were excellent. Please continue to speak out about queer diversity, but please refrain from bashing on same-sex parenting.

Joshua, I too came over from the NPR piece. I agree with your earlier posts that labels don't really help anyone. Kathy Griffin made a comment welcoming "men and women and people who don't want to be put in a box". I'm all for education in all things and never understand how more education is a bad thing (abstinence only sex ed springs to mind). As to your parental comments, I do think children first and foremost need a loving home. They also need a community of people to help teach them about society and how we're all different but equal.

Your previous "I don't want a better half" post seems to be putting men and women into a box as well. Women can also be competitive and impulsive. Celebrate "manhood" but that doesn't always require a penis.

I'm so glad you find someone who makes you happy. Love is all you need after all.

I do have a question, are you still a member of the LDS church? If the person you fell in love with was a man, would they still accept that? Are all homosexual acts "sexual transgressions" because they are outside of marriage or civil union? If they occur in a civil union is that still wrong (according to the Mormon church)?

I'm an excommunicated Southern Baptist with an open mind, just wondering.

I am still LDS. We believe that adultery is defined as any sexual relationship besides that between a husband and wife legally and lawfully married. I don't know the difference between legal and lawful, but that is what they say. It doesn't matter if it is homosexual or heterosexual.

If you can make it work, then good for you. But you must accept that statistically you are in an almost microscopic minority. I have been where you are, determined "with every fiber of my being" to make it work. It didn't. It was a disaster. And fact is that almost everyone who tries it ends up that way. If you think you can be the exception, I will be very interested to see where you are in 15 or 20 years.

The things you want sound like laudable goals. But I believe many are incomplete and in some cases naive:

1) "I would like people to acknowledge that while sexual attractions are not a choice, sexual behavior is a choice" - The first will never happen generally as long as Christian churches hold to their current approach. Some have shifted recently but as long as NARTH and Exodus are around, you will not get your wish.

2) "I would like people to stop saying that churches are anti-gay that teach that gays can receive peace through coming to Christ and giving up same-sex relationships . . . it hurts me that anyone would accuse a church that has brought me so much peace of being unloving or unwelcoming towards gays" - Here again you are in a microscopic minority and I believe are being quite unrealistic. The continuing string of suicides among gay Mormon men, and the shockingly high percentage of youth in Utah who are homeless because they came out to their families and were kicked out of the house belies your naivete here. Your feelings may be hurt by criticism of an organization you like, but the fact is that countless lives have been hugely damaged and destroyed by that organization's unwelcoming approach toward God's gay children. Judge the intents you want to see, if you must; I judge by results.

3) "I would like for people to stop saying bans on same-sex marriage eliminates the rights of gays to get married. Say it eliminates the rights of same-sex couples to get married" - Call it what it is, Joshua. People have the right to self-define. You are no doubt angry when an evangelical says that since you're Mormon, you're not "really" Christian. Let gay people who want to call themselves gay do so.

4) " Finally, I want schools to teach an unbiased view of homosexuality. Teach some gays have found happiness in same-sex relationships, but others have found happiness in celibacy or opposite-sex relationships. Teach the children that they have the power to choose the direction of their lives, and not to listen to what anyone else tells them is right or wrong" - With respect, you are very naive here. This will never happen, especially in Utah, until the LDS Church completely reverses itself and welcomes God's gay children with open arms, no stigma, recognizes and honors their marriages as equally valid with "traditional" ones, and teaches its people that gay people and gay marriages are of equal value as straight ones.

Personally I think that day is a LONG way off, it it ever comes at all. And the leaders of the LDS Church have been so wrong in so many ways about this issue for so long, all the while claiming divine inspiration, that they have lost my trust as a result. It's impossible that all of them who've claimed to be right on this issue could have been. They have lost my trust. I retain my faith in the Savior and the fundamentals he taught, but not in the LDS organization. I'm judging by fruits, by results, as the Savior said we should. And while there are always exceptions, in my opinion the LDS record on this issue is definitive: bad counsel, bad fruits, bad results. I'm entitled to inspiration for my own life, and I'm not going to wait for them any more. Good luck with your choices.