Your source for pointless, nobody-cares-but-us movie reviews. We grade movies on a 1-10 scale (1 = It sucked my soul out through my eyes and 10 = I'm buying the DVD so I can tuck it under my pillow at night and sing little songs to it.)

Monday, September 06, 2010

I will pay a dollar to rent a movie from Redbox that i didn't want to see in the theaters and couldn't be bothered to look up on Netflix. Then I will promptly forget to return it and will end up paying far more than the movie is worth. For example, I paid $3.00 to see GI Joe. Tatum Channing (or whatever that boy's name is) wasn't nearly nekkid enough to justify the money. I have also noticed curious differences in the content of Redboxmachines. Why is there a lot of porn at the McDonald's Redbox that overlooks the children's play area? And who decides that a particular 7-11 will carry Sundance and Indy-films? It seems to me there is as much logic involved as there is in my own Redbox choices, which is to say there isn't much logic at all.

Here is a list of the garbage I paid a whole dollar for:

LEAP YEAR: just unbelievably awful. If you want a movie about an American girl falling in love with an ill-suited Irish lad, see The Matchmaker with Janeane Garofalo. Waaay better.

DEAR JOHN: Don't do it. Really. Just don't.

PERCY JACKSON AND THE LIGHTNING THIEF: I personally believe that a film is made for kids/teenagers should not suck, much as an adult film should not suck. This mess was made for neither demographic and pleased no one. But Steve Coogan was pretty funny.

THE BOUNTY HUNTER: This movie rolled a zero on charm. Choppy incomprehensible plot, dialogue nobody could make work, and it stars Jennifer Aniston. Only good thing is Christine Baranski. I would much rather have watched a movie of her as an aging Atlantic City diva.

WARLORDS: Where I learned that even though a film has Jet Li in it, it doesn't guarantee I will like it.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Iron Man 2 was a surprise. I could not look away and was stunned every time I saw it on the screen. "Is it just me?", I would think. "Could I have imagined it?" And then it would happen. Gwyneth Paltrow and Scarlet Johansen would walk across the screen and it would again become painfully obvious that I had NOT imagined it. There it was, captured on film and plain to see...

Neither of them can walk in high heels.

Really. I'm serious. It's bizarre. Every time the camera showed either of these two actresses moving you could see Ms Paltrow gingerly tip-toeing across the set in 4 inch Louboutins, or Ms Johansen pretend like she could maneuver in her Manolos. I wanted to stop the movie and ask them what they were doing. "What?!! What are you doing?" I would say. "Didn't you read Teen Prom Magazine? Or J-14? Anything? Because all of those fine publications spell out exactly how to walk in high heels! Really! They do! I promise!"

I am delighted that Gwyneth Paltrow and Scarlet Johansen are paid millions of dollars to be filmed looking lovely and slender. They speak their lines well, emote, tell jokes, do action sequences, and kiss Robert Downey, Jr. I am just surprised that walking apparently isn't on the skills list. Especially when this overweight, out-of-shape, flat footed girl can do it. (And by that I mean me.) I admit I couldn't walk in heels until Samuel & Alison's wedding, when the ONLY shoes I could find to match my dress were 3 inch cream cha-cha heels. (Those shoes were in face so Divine, that when Jared Gold saw them he immediately asked me if I had set a trailer home on fire to get them.) So, I know it's a trick and it isn't necessarily easy. But I have total faith in their ability to learn.

So, what exactly are they doing wrong? Let's break it down.

Ms Paltro does what Delanie Tucker calls "The Giraffe." It's an odd combination of ankle and knee movements which allow the walker to move in heels withoutmoving her hipsat all. Since heels are specifically designed for the wearer's backside to stick up AND sway more, this is a really neat trick. An awkward, loping, mincing trick which might be damaging to the knees and ankles, but neat none the less.

Ms Johansen opts to go with the "Stomp It Out" technique. This is a classic, and is the favorite of 13 year old girls, frat boys, and the ladies on America's Next Top Model. To master the Stomp It Out one simply jams on some high heels and marches, splay footed, into the night. You'll show those Ferragamos who's boss! Take that!

So, what should they do? It's almost deceptively simple. When wearing high heeled shoes, one should place one foot in front of the other. Shorten the stride, let the body move naturally, and -- Voila! You are now walking smoothly. That's all there is to it.

Now someone just has to tell them.

Oh, yeah, and as for the rest of the film there were some explosions and jokes and the actors were really good and stuff. It's fun. See it.

Saturday, May 08, 2010

7. It's a story about a sassy white lady and a black kid.And once Hollywood gets their self-congratulatory hands on something like that they mess it up instantly, turning the white lady into an artificial saint and dismissing\condescending to the black kid. Blech! No!6. Sandra BullockYou seriously want me to watch a Sandra Bullock movie? On purpose? Doesn't that automatically make this movie a romantic comedy? Yes? Well, then, No, Thank you.5. Bland-lookingBoring! Three small jokes and Sandra Bullock slaps the football coach on the bum? Nope! Not gonna see it!4. DisneyCause Hanna Montana - The Movie! and Escape to Witch Mountain were such cinematic masterpieces.3. Football movieAsmy friend Jed says, football movies are romantic comedies for men. Everyone knows how they end and the only point is to feel good and watch it happen. And I don't watch romantic comedies if I can help it-- even if they are about football.2. My precious Indie CredIcan promise you none of the cool kids are seeing The Blind Side. The plaid-shirted, tight-jeand, Converse-wearing hipster darlings who crowd Sundance are not gonna be lining up to see this one.1. Everyone told me to go and see it.And because I'm essentially a big six-year-old, this reason carries quite a bit of weight.

Seven Reasons Why My Top 7 Reasons To Not See "The Blind Side" Were Dumb

7. For once they did the white lady/black kid thing rightI couldn't know that in advance but since the family the movie portrayed was heavily involved I probably could have guessed6. Sandra Bullock was greatShe won an Oscar. An Oscar for a PG movie, which NEVER happens cause most Oscars are given out for people being really unpleasant/naked. But Sandra went from brunette Bostonian to bleach-blond Suzanne-Sugarbaker Southern lady so well and so naturally you couldn't tell it wasn't really her. Totally earned the statue.5. Subtle movies don't advertise wellAnd subtle movies are good. They just don't have anything to flash in a 30 second clip. 4. Disney didn't intend to sell merchandise for this movie so they didn't screw it upDisney didn't sell sneakers and/or CDs for this movie so they didn't get in there and make anyone add in a talking dragon or anything. So the Disney label here actually meant what the Disney label was meant to represent, which is a family-friendly movie that's actually GOOD.3. It really wasn't a football movieSince football is an omnipresent force in Southern life and Michael Oher actually ended up playing pro football, it was in the movie. BUT it wasn't the point of the movie. So there.2. What Indie cred? I work in child care and wear shoes from K-Mart! I have no Indie cred!I am NOT that cool.1. Everyone told me to see it because it's GOOD.And, seriously, it is not only harmless, it's good. I've thought about it for weeks after, it's made me see certain relationships in a different light, and rugby shirts will never be the same. I loved it and it's silly that I didn't see it before now. So go to the Redbox and get it for a whole dollar. Really.Cause you don't have a reason now to say no.

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Things I Learned in California1. No matter how many people there are, there could always be more.2. Sleeping in your car, unless it's a child molester van, is never comfortable.3. Television really does add 10,000 pounds since the floats that look MASSIVE on TV are really pretty small.4. Never trust a Greek restaurant that doesn't serve lemon rice. 5. Apparently no one worries about building an amusement park on top of a pier. Guess giant wooden platforms are the natural place for scary rides.6. The best shoes are always $5 and made in China7. It's really easy to eat an entire tin of butter cookies if one isn't careful.8. I think mollusks are creepy.9. There are a LOT of hot Asian men in California.10. I never have to go to the Rose Bowl Parade ever again!