Defending Myself No More

It is absolutely human nature for all of us to respond to criticism by defending ourselves.

God asks us to respond in the power of His Spirit as His disciples – we are no longer slaves to our old sinful selves. Let’s look at how we can respond to criticism in God-honoring, life-giving ways.

BEING A CONTENTIOUS WIFE

Yikes.

I didn’t think of myself as a contentious wife for those first 14+ years of our marriage. I thought I was the BEST Christian wife EVER!!!!! I thought it was only my husband who needed to change. But now I know that I was a contentious wife. 🙁 Makes me pretty sad to think about it.

Some characteristics of a contentious wife (I know this stuff well… this was me!):

I believe I am always right. I am PRIDEFUL.

I believe I know best. I believe I know better than my husband – about everything. And, really, I believe I know better than God and His Word many times, too. MORE PRIDE!!!!!!!

I believe that everyone should do as I say. People should all submit to me and do what I think they should do (not that I would ever word it like that, of course! But I have SELF as an idol and I expect others to bow to me, too.) If only everyone would listen to me, things would all be wonderful! I believe I am the only one who knows “God’s will” or “the right thing” to do.

I believe I am above reproof, rebuke and criticism. If someone dares to criticize me, I will defend myself to show him how wrong he is and how right I am. Or, I will turn and attack some character flaw in the one giving me criticism and not deal with the concern this person brought up. I refuse to look at my own responsibilities, faults and sin. I may be entirely blind to my own sin. (That was me, too!)

I believe I have the right to rebuke/criticize/”help” others because they “need” my “help” and my “wisdom” so desperately – and, because I so obviously know best.

I focus so much on being “right” about every little issue that I am willing to sacrifice the unity and intimacy in my marriage to “win” each little battle. I may win a battle by defeating my husband with my attacking words, but I may lose his heart. That is not really a win!

I am REALLY stressed, lonely, worried and afraid a lot. I am trying to carry the weight of the family that God designed for my husband to carry. And I am also trying to carry the weight of God’s sovereignty on my little, tiny, wimpy shoulders. Problem is – I am NOT God. I am NOT sovereign. And I cannot begin to carry that kind of weight. I don’t have the fruit of God’s Spirit in my life – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control because I am not controlled by His Spirit, I am firmly controlled by SELF. I have not died to self. I have SELF as lord, not Jesus.

I am willing to argue ANY point TO DEATH. I will not drop it until I win. Because – I am “right,” of course! And being “right” in my mind is much more important to me than unity in my marriage or unity with Christ.

I verbally tear down my marriage and my husband. The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1

God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble. James 4:6

Now, I know why so many of my prayers were not answered all that time. God was in opposition to me because of my immeasurable pride and arrogance.

OUCH!

THE CURE FOR CONTENTIOUSNESS:

Humility. Lots of it. Humility before God and humility before my husband. I acknowledge that God has wisdom, I do not. His wisdom is INFINITELY higher than mine. And I acknowledge that my husband may have wisdom to offer to me that may bless me and benefit me and our family.

Refuse to argue. God commands us, “Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the Word of Life. Philippians 2:14-16a

I need a proper understanding of Who God is and who I am – a sweeping, grand view of God’s sovereignty, power and holiness and a clear view of my sinfulness, impotence, weakness and helplessness.

Speak with a pleasant, soft, gentle tone of voice and a friendly expression on my face.

God’s Word has much to say about the wise and foolish and how differently they respond to correction, criticism, rebuke and reproof.

It is my prayer that we might learn to properly respond to criticism and correction in a way that honors and pleases God. I see that correction can be a blessing to me that helps me to grow in holiness.

– Do not rebuke an evil one, lest he hate you, but rebuke a wise one, for he will love you. Proverbs 9:8 (Aramaic Bible in Plain English)

Yes, it becomes much easier than all the arguing and defending myself ever was! And much more honoring to Christ. This does not come naturally – it has to be God’s Spirit doing this work in us – but His yoke is truly easy and His burden is light because when we allow Him to work in us, He gives us the power to be able to do what He asks us to do. LOVE IT!

April…
Great post! This so…..describes my journey. The amazing thing is that God has made a miracle out of my mess! I realized that I am moving from respect being things I do or say to respectful being who I am! Thank you so much for your blog. Initially, it was the mirror and light that allowed God to show me the depth of my sinfulness. Now, it is a place of encouragement and a resource I use to help other women on their respect journeys. God is doing amazing things through you!
Love in Christ.
…Cathy

Indeed I see so much of this that I may not have done verbally out loud, but I would do it in my head. Even rehearse afterward if I were quiet what I should have done or said. But over time and learning more about submission to God’s Word and Ways, it has gotten so much better. Two key notes that some may try to use as a loophole….. #1) Everyone may not have a “godly” husband, but you still show respect and realize that he is God’s creation just like you and simply ask the Holy Spirit how to respond #2) If you defend yourself verbally that means you have taken “offense” to what was done or said and this is one of the devil’s strongest tools to divide and conquer. The Golden Rule will never go out of date…. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you….. or simply ask before speaking or action…WWJD

You bring up a great point! God wants to renovate and regenerate our hearts, minds and souls so completely that we don’t even think all that disrespectful, prideful stuff anymore. TOTAL HEART CHANGE – that is His plan.

Most wives who are learning respect and biblical submission believe their husbands are far from God – but we are not exempt from God’s commands to respect and submit to our husbands – absolutely!

You are so right about taking offense. THen, it is so very tempting to cherish that offense, to nurture it, to coddle it and to allow that resentment and bitterness to grow and become a huge toxic cancer in our lives and marriages.

Kara,
Well – now I have tears in my eyes, too. Tears of joy that God is willing and able to use me as a little jar of clay to pour Himself through me into your life to bless you. Thank you for sharing!

This is so what I needed to hear this morning! I was getting ready for bed last night and had a little back and forth with my husband where I felt I needed to defend myself. By God’s grace my husband did not pursue a continued argument ( not because I was right) but God working in him to be more patient. As I started to fall asleep and was saying goodnight to the Lord he said “You didn’t need to defend yourself, Maybe Ed is right”. Hard to believe he would be right when I am just the perfect wife ; ) So I repented to God and resolved to read up on your blog to find some tools as to how to “not defend my self” when I feel criticized and here it was!

Thanks so much for this post. I find myself getting defensive all the time and KNOW I need to change. It’s a struggle but lately I have not been arguing with my husband for the mere fact that I can’t figure out a way to present my case that is respectful! April, your blog has made a huge difference for me. I follow this blog Little Catholic Bubble and she recommended Dr. Laura’s book “the care and feeding of husbands”. That’s what got me started on the respect journey. The problem I had with that book is that Dr. Laura can come off so abrasive and harsh that it was tough to read. Thank you for giving a similar message in such a gentle, loving way!

I am so thankful that God is using this blog somehow to bless you. I do like Dr. Laura’s book “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” but – maybe it is because she is a New Yorker, I think? Maybe she can come across a bit harsh at times. She is blunt, to be sure!

I desire very much to speak the truth in love. Without love – my words are just a clanging cymbal.

These are the kinds of things I never heard in church and didn’t read in the marriage books I used to read. This is the stuff I WISH I knew 19+ years ago when I was a newlywed and things began to go VERY POORLY one week into our marriage. ONE WEEK. How sad is that!?!?

I had no one to turn to. No one who could teach me. No one who could explain any of this to me. I responded in my sinful nature and began to destroy my marriage and husband with my disrespect, pride, idolatry of self, self-righteousness, resentment and bitterness even back then.

I pray that God might use my 14+ years of blindness to my sin, rebellion, disrespect and control to help other wives to find His path much sooner than I did!

For me, it was not until someone dissected the motives behind all of my behaviors and attitudes that I was able to see my sin – my MOUNTAIN of sin.

I am SO excited about what God is doing in your heart! Please let me know if there are topics you’d like for me to address and send me some updates now and then. 🙂

Excellent timing with this one! One of my favorite things about your articles April are the practical steps one can take to change! Often times, articles are written up to this point. We relate but then we are left wondering, what can I do about it!? I don’t feel I am right or that I need to be right about everything but I do feel stressed and alone many times. I have trouble expressing to my husband and tend to go on and on and lead the conversations down different path until he is confused about what we are really even talking about. Of course this works fine with my girlfriends but not with my man. He doesn’t want to just “chat” about our grocery budget, he want’s to resolve the issue and move on. And that’s where I get into trouble. I become offended that he doesn’t want to just sit and listen and talk and connect with me about whatever! Then I feel alone. And I have to drop it and not feel hurt. So thank you for the Cure for Contentiousness list. It is a very useful tool for me to reference when I need reminding!

One of my greatest frustrations when I was trying to learn all of this stuff on my own without a mentor and with a husband who was not able to articulate at the time what was respectful/disrespectful – was that so many of the Christian books I read didn’t have practical examples. I needed “Respect for Dummies.” I needed phrases and words to say and how to think and change my thoughts and how to dig down and see the sin and idolatry. I needed SERIOUS help! I felt like I was having to reinvent the wheel to learn what it meant to be a godly woman and to be a godly wife. I pray that God might use me somehow to connect the dots a bit closer for those coming behind me.

I’m glad this will be a handy reference. 🙂 That is a huge answer to prayer for me.

Sometimes if you can separate the two things, you may find things go better. Ask your husband to talk about the grocery budget – do that briefly and in bullet point fashion. Then, ask him to bless you by just listening to your heart for 10 minutes and explain that just him listening “fixes you” and makes you feel loved and connected to him. Thank him for doing a great job and stop after the 10 minutes. See if that helps. 🙂

God bless you! I’m in tears reading this! I wish I’d read this earlier yesterday before I tore my husband down with his “wrong” and my “right”. God has moved my heart for the last 5 months to build my husband up as leader of our home… It took one statement and following argument to tear it all down. Prayers welcome for me to die to self and quit being prideful (I do NOT know better than God or my husband). Prayers that my husband can soften his heart to me and forgive me.

I pray you will humbly repent to your husband and admit your sin – without explaining or justifying yourself. I pray you and he might reconcile and that God might empower you to have a stronger and stronger marriage that brings much glory to His Name! 🙂

Ouch! There are many things in this post that I feel convicted about. My husband tends to criticize/correct me a lot…instead of wisely listening and considering what he has to say, I am often offended by his trying to help and defend myself until the sun goes down. I am also guilty of arguing a point when I KNOW I’m right and my husband is wrong. I make a point to argue (I tell myself we are “debating” but I know that is just me covering my sin) and go so far as to look up something just to show him the proof that I am right. How prideful and foolish of me! I hope to be able to change these things, slowly, with your suggestions on the right way to react. The Lord definitely used you to speak to me about this! Thank you!

thank you so much for this post! i’ve been on this journey (and reading your blog) for a while and i think this post sums up many of my “issues” in such a concise and practical way. one thing i am learning is how much i lack in TRUSTING god and accepting the LORDSHIP of christ in my life. (i also love to be right!) it’s so weird (and i am so very grateful) that i can be a christian for many years and just now “see” my sinful ways! i pray that the lord keeps pricking my heart until i am willing to remove that yuckiness of pride and disrespect. thankful to have you and your blog to pave the way and to give practical advice for those of us on this road. i have read your blog almost daily for the past few months and god has spoken through you…so thank you! god is changing me and my marriage through you! ps i’ve wanted to write you many times but sometimes it’s hard to put into words what i am learning/ being convicted of/ changing/ questioning. maybe someday i will but for now i just wanted to leave you a quick comment. 🙂

I will be printing this and STUDYING it. I blew it this weekend (again!). My husband and I tend to bring out the “worst” in each other. He is controlling and manipulative – won’t stop coming at me with his words…until I “lose it” emotionally. And that’s when the disrespect comes…which he can’t stand! I believe that’s called the “crazy cycle”…ugh! It’s a matter of self-control…why don’t I get that? Thank you, April for your wise counsel – you and God are always “spot on”. Please pray for me.

I need some advice about a specific situation that is pretty reflective of my marriage relationship… On Sunday I was not feeling well as I am having a baby in the next 2 weeks and hemorroids and pelvic pain (too much info but a factor) have been bugging me. Regardless, I drove 5 hrs straight (OUCH) to pick up my stepson and kids while my hubby stayed home to work.

By the time I got home I was exhausted (did I mention I have a 10 month old who doesn’t sleep thru the night) and could literally barely walk.

Hubby immediately told me the headlight on the car is out, probably because of how I go fast over bumps on the road. Then he told me I parked in a bad spot on our driveway. Then during supper which I had prepared before I left, he reprimanded me for picking up the baby who I hadn’t seen in 5 hours, saying he needs to stop whining all the time and I need to stop enabling the crying. At that I said that I hadn’t seen the baby all day and I didn’t see the big deal with picking him up for a few minutes. He said that the baby was fine crawling on the floor, and now I had started getting him whining for my attention. I got defensive and upset and told him that I guessed hubby would have to bathe the baby then, since I am not allowed to pick him up. Yes, I should have bit my tongue rather than responding based on my hurt that all I was getting was criticisms and no love. He then told me I was ignorant and needed to stop acting like a 10 year old girl. I told him to stop treating me like one, and I left the room to cool off.

I dropped the matter, but I am still hurt by it. I want to tell him that it bothered me that he was all over me with criticisms when I came home, and he never bothered to ask how I felt or how the drive was or anything at all like that. Is this something I should just drop or is it ok to somehow express how I felt? I have a tendency to bottle things, which isn’t healthy. However, I don’t know how to respectfully express myself so he will actually listen and not get defensive as is usually the case.

Being pregnant is REALLY HARD!!! Especially being 9 months pregnant. Handling criticism when you are pregnant and feeling miserable is also much harder than normal.

You can say something like, “You know, Honey, I appreciate that you were trying to help me by telling me things I could do that might make things better. I will carefully consider the things you shared with me. I know you are looking out for me. But, I have to tell you, right now, I am feeling pretty miserable physically and hormonally and emotionally. I could really use some encouragement, appreciation and love.”

Hi,
I am on a journey to become a respectful wife also.. I have had a very difficult time the last 3 1/2 years of marriage trying to figure out what is disrespectful and what isn’t.. Sometimes it is completely on accident and sometimes it happens when I am upset with him over something and I respond disrespectfully. When we are arguing about this issue, he has also called me ‘contentious’ a few times which I always disagree and defend myself on that insult! I HATE that I hurt him! I loved this post because for the first time I am going to acknowledge that maybe that is what I am! And hopefully I can find ways to change! Thanks again

I have posts at the top of my home page about what is disrespectful and what is respectful to most husbands. I WISH I had that information 19 years ago!

I have to laugh about you arguing that you are not contentious. Sounds like me before 5 years ago! Maybe you can tell your husband that God has convicted you and you can briefly apologize for being disrespectful and contentious (without justifying or explaining yourself) and tell him you desire to be the wife God wants you to be?

I have just discovered your blog and am finding it so helpful… I need this so much. As those verses say we are in a warped and crooked generation, To be a truly respectful wife is Spirit-led. The Spirit is working in my heart, there’s a lot of work needed there.

Reblogged this on Confessions of a {FORMER} People Pleaser and commented:
Uh oh, I might have to create another blog just for this! I was contentious (with everyone) for MANY years and I still harbor some of the symptoms. No wonder I’m stressed.

The problem is: I know who I want to be and I want to be there NOW. When my values don’t line up with my actual life I become stressed out, impatient and it becomes a vicious cycle, I exhibit all of the things I’m striving against. I need to learn to stop and ask the Lord for help and be patient and accepting of where I am. This is why we are all “renewing daily” and not renewed all at once. Rome wasn’t built in a day; I need to give myself a break.

This post hit me so hard because it describes everything I’ve been in the past, the way I’d acted, and even right down to how I’d felt…afraid, worried and lonely. I was miserable. And I was miserable to be around. I did it all wrong for years. I thought I knew it all, could control it all, deserved it all, and had no faults. Everything you wrote above about being a contentious wife was me. The damage was so great that I caused in my marriage due to being disrespectful and contentious and prideful, that my husband moved out 18 months ago after 13 years of marriage. He’s been living with another woman for the past year now. I spent the six months or so before he left trying to change, but after years of hurting him he was too hardened to care nor did he believe in the changes in me. God continues to work in me. I’m standing for the restoration of my marriage and my husband’s salvation, and have a new contentment and joy that I never had before, but there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t regret how I’ve caused hurt to my husband and because of that, to my children also. To anyone who sees yourself in the post above, PLEASE, fall on your knees before God and beg him and your husband to forgive you and ask God for a changed heart today. He can and WILL change you. I am proof of that. Please don’t wait until your husband has one foot, or both, out the door to try to change. Please, don’t put it off a moment longer.

I can see that God is working powerfully in your heart. What He is doing is beautiful. How I wish you had been able to understand these things sooner. I wonder if you might like to write a bit more about your situation for me to anonymously share as a post?

I believe MANY, MANY wives are in this exact position – and I pray they will wake up before it is too late.

Much love to you!
I pray for your marriage to be restored and for your husband’s salvation along with you.

hi yet again,
thank you for your blog, been reading and trying out some of the things. This may not be the page i need to put this up on but need some insight. Things have been getting on well with mmy partner since i started adopting and letting go of a few things. However, since sunday he has been intentionally ignoring my oldest child whom is 4years old from a previous relationship, we have one of our own whom he showers with attention. It all started with him saying that my oldest did not greet him in the morning, my daughter is type whom will hide away in a shell if she feels unwanted and i did mention to her to mind her manners but today is tuesday evening and when he came back from work she did greet him but he immediately went for our baby and played with the other child ignoring my oldest. 3days of this is getting to me, sometimes he does this and it does affect me badly i feel sad and ask God why, he can block me and my child out of the picture as and when he feels like it, I can take it but feeel for my child and feel like walking away. We aree at present sleeping separate rooms for the last 3months i think, though he was starting to say he missed me and hoped we can ork things through and we were talking again. I really don’t know, today after he left the room where the kids where, my daughter said she felt like dying! Yes she is 4years old, she felt that the man she calls daddy does not love her and she is not wanted and ‘we’ are better off with the baby and she said she would ask God in her prayers to sleep. I’m bitterly distraught as i type away. I did try to mention this to him respectfully, however i got berated for how his children would never be rude and since he is not the father he does not care if she died. I’m lost, i feel like i just wasted my time and made a serious blunder in my life. He has a child of his own from another relationship, whom i can understand needs him too but at times i feel like we are being held to ransom over this, we never see his son at the house he prefers t take his son to his sister’s place, eveen if he were around i’m not allowed to do anything for the child as he believes he can only do best and knows best therefore do not have a relationship with my stepson, everything has to be about how his son is better than the rest and will grow into a better man yet my girls seem to amount to nothing. I’m lost terribly and i have no idea what to do, our story started off well then somehow when i lost my job i became no one and thus got treated like no one. Sorry to go on, i’m just looking for answers about what to do.

Yes, correct supposed to have gotten married last year then it was one reason or the other to postpone to this year then nothing at all this year except the reason of next year.

He say’s he is a believer, though really in the last few months i have question, i have questioned that. Seems more like he will act try or say right according who is around funny enough came to church for the first time with me last
week in a year.

I believe in ur Lord Jesus Christ and in some way for the last few months maybe feel that the distance that had come between us resulted in my moving too the other room as i did not want to fall short any longer and wanted to lean on his understanding of how to handle things, not myself. I beleive in prayer is how is how i stumbled through to the site. My relationship with Christ i feel had been ok till last year after all the postponing of the wedding then suddenly things awry i felt angry as i could not understand as my first marriage ended so abruptly and the divorce was speeded through quite fast i did not understand. Started going back to church this year and been rebuilding my faith.

As he so rightly put it, he feels that he need not care, it’s not his child and cannot love her like he loves his own kids as he is not the father.According to him that him, that is up to me what happens.

Unfortunately, i do not have anywhere to go, neither do i have family near, i am far away from family (oceans apart). I am due to start a new job thank God after 2 years of unemployment.

I have someone i could try to speak to at church who is the pastor, just not sure how to approach them but will see in the morning.

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NOTE: The Peaceful Wife is not a licensed marriage counselor, therapist, pastor, or psychiatrist. Any information presented here is intended to encourage women to strengthen their walk with the Lord and any decisions women make are ultimately between themselves and Christ. If someone is in a dangerous situation, please reach out for help and try to get somewhere safe. Those with severe marriage issues or who have experienced abuse, please seek one-on-one, trusted counsel (medical, legal, and spiritual) as appropriate. My site is not intended for those experiencing issues with active addictions, unrepentant infidelity, uncontrolled mental health disorders, nor abuse.