Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate..

When I saw the first trailer for Start-ups: <silicon.valley>, I knew two things right off the bat: first, that I was, in spite of my better judgement, going to watch – and blog about – this show; and second, that I was entering into a new realm of blogging snarkery, one in which I was the Grasshopper, the Padawan, as someone else is the absolute master (mistress?) of this blogging sub-genre.

Normally, when I take on a TV show, it has two characteristics: it is about cooking (or, at least, food), and it a competition (or at least it tells a story that I feel needs telling, even if it has some flaws in it which I nit pick apart.) This show is neither: it is, to put it mildly, The Real Housewives of… [Your Worst Alcohol-Fueled Nightmare] meets The Real World meets America’s Dumbest… [Twenty-Somethings].

In other words, this is Reality TeeVee at its “finest.” And I use the term loosely.

“Silicon Valley is, high school, but, it’s only the smart kids, and everyone has a lot of money…” (Kim)

More dollars than sense, it seems to me!

“… Apple, Twitter, Facebook, Google… everyone of these companies started within 30 miles of where I’m sitting… That’s insane!” (Dwight)

You know what is even more insane? Every single company started in the history of all of mankind, was started less than 25,000 miles from where I am sitting! I know this, because I know how to use a search engine studied geography!

“I would say I’m living paycheck to paycheck, but I don’t have a paycheck! So I’m just living!” (David)

“People have been intimidated because [draws circle around head] this package generally doesn’t come with a brain.” (Sarah)

I hope she was referring to herself when she said “this package,” and not blond women in tech. Because, the latter would not only feed into the misogynistic mindset that still pervades this country, but it would be flat-out false. And, I know of at least twowomen who would more than likely take issue with Sarah’s statement.

And with that, the fun and games begin…

First, we meet Ben Way, an entrepreneur and self-made millionaire, who is a founder of something called Ignite. He is also getting out of bed, and as he gets dressed we know the answer to “boxers, or briefs?” Two things drew him to Silicon Valley: moth => flame, and the chance to live with his sister, Hermione. NO, NOT IN THAT WAY! GROSS, SO GROSS. STOP THAT. It seems they were separated at birth, he went to live with his dad, while sis lived with her mum. Sort of like that Disney movie where Lindsay Lohan played herself and her twin sister, but in real life. Meanwhile, Hermione Way (Ben’s sister) is also getting dressed, and we get a good shot of her tidy not!whities. She is also a founder of Ignite, which is… an app. An app which helps you get healthier and live longer. In other words, a fitness app. The umpty-gazillionth fitness app destined for the App Store. She likes to get the attention of potential investors by texting them pictures of her … finger. One particular finger, specifically. Because, as she quotes a local business wonk, “…if you’re not upsetting someone in business, you’re doing something wrong.”

If the opposite is true, then I must have been doing a whole lotta stuff right, so where are my million$? But then, I never engaged in the practice of sending business communications consisting of images of myself making obscene gestures, so there’s that.

Meanwhile, at the Four Seasons in Palo Alto, we meet Sarah, who is in a bathrobe and ordering room service for… her dog. A blogger and lifecaster (the first definiton, not the second), Sarah prefers black lace panties and a floral pattern bra, as we find out in the first 10 seconds of her segment. She also views herself as a social media genius, whose Tweets are valued (her words, not mine) at up to $10,000. Each. Currently, she exchanges her services in the field of social media guru-ing for room (and, one presumes, board) at the Four Seasons. She equates living at the Four Seasons to living in a bubble: I suspect that there might be a brain cell or two inside her head that feels the same way. She made the Forbes “30 under 30″ list in the category of media, and has her own website, where she puts on a video podcast, dispensing such nuggets of wisdom as “… there are 845 million active users on Facebook, and 483 million return to the site daily.”

Wow. Mind: blown.

And then we have Kim, a 30-something who is a social media director for a startup that makes Facebook ads. She likes to share inappropriate status updates from friends with her co-workers. She is also a former NBA dancer, who thinks most of us common folks would find that “sort of cool.”

Dwight is a developer who started a startup called Carsabi. an automotive search engine. The “best g**d**m car search engine,” according to his pitcher of Kool-Aid. He also likes to sleep without a shirt on, and shares an apartment with his co-founder Chris. They are stereotypical male geeks, which is to say they are slobs. However, the scriptwriter Dwight seems to have a head for numbers, as he rolls off his desired revenue state and market cap(ture) as if he really understood that stuff.

Back to the Four Seasons, where Sarah is getting all prettied up. True fact: it can take her 2 hours to get ready for work, and 3-4 hours to get ready for a party. Even a toga party, which is about the simplest (from the standpoint of what you need to wear) that there is. With a knock on the door, we are introduced to David the (Software) Engineer (a.k.a. programmer), who is the founder of something called Goalsponsors. Which turns out to be – wait for this! – another fitness app! That would make it the umpty-gazillion-and-first fitness app destined for the App Store. One in which you can hookup with some random person someone who has expertise in the area you are seeking self-improvement in. Either that, or they stayed at a Holiday Inn Express the night before have been there before. I’m thinking chatroulette, but without the preponderance of unsolicited images of male genitalia.

David reminds us that Sarah is in fact NOT A DITZY BLONDE, because she got all these free nights at the hotel and such. She then reminds him to get in the shower, as it is time for his spray-tan. While spray-tanning, he tells us how he used to be “the fat kid,” then tells us all about his plastic surgeries/procedures/weight loss/etc. We also find out he is partial to briefs, and that he has “the total package.” Sarah removes her robe to display her toga (if you define toga as “underwear with leaves glued on top and a hand towel wrapped around your waist”).

Sarah then tells us about the Big Conflict with Frenemy Hermione. It seems that Sarah decided to take Hermione under her wing when Hermione came over from the UK. For awhile all was beer and Skittles (ok, probably more beer than Skittles), but then… they broke up. Why, you ask? She didn’t say, so maybe we’ll find out later.

And with that, it’s off to the Toga Party! Where everybody is dressed up in togas, except for Dwight, who opted for a button-down shirt and tie.

Hermione explains what happened between her and Sarah: it seems that Sarah needed airfare for SXSW, and I guess she didn’t have any connections at the airlines. Anyway, Hermione decided to sponsor her, and Sarah repaid the favor by sending an “unprofessional” email. Not only to Hermione, but also to her sponsors.

(Been there, done that. I’ve since learned that, when venting one’s spleen via email, it is best to compose it, then let it sit overnight in the “Drafts” folder. Re-read it the next morning, and then if you decide it won’t be career suicide to send it – or you don’t care anymore – then and only then do you press the “Send” button.)

Of course, Sarah has a slightly different story: Hermione “wasn’t doing her part” at an event they were working on at SXSW, and Sarah “called her out” on it, and told the sponsors they “needed to step up their game.” Sarah feels this “wasn’t unprofessional”

(Hermione: “Was too!” Sarah: “Was not!” Lather. Rinse. Repeat.)

Sarah finally wonders if Hermione is upset because Sarah “made out with her brother.” Hermione’s reaction sorta indicates that (a) she wasn’t aware of Sarah having a ‘relationship’ with her brother, and (2) why, come to think of it, yes, she is a spot bothered by it, after all.

Ladies, ladies! That’s no way to fight! No, this is how you fight:

realitytvgifs.tumblr.com

Sarah wanders off, and we get a chance to witness what else happens at a frat party geeky social gathering: namely, People Getting Plastered. As in “these kids could give some of the ‘Real Housewives’ lessons in how to tie one one” plastered. At least they are using fancy-looking glasses. And then, Dwight gets a bright idea: Let’s Commit PI! By heading off to a friend’s birthday party! Where they don’t have anyone with an X-Y chromosome pair present! And they drink out of blue plastic cups! He scoops up Kim, and some of the other folks, and they happily go carousing down the streets of San Francisco, where the two groups co-mingle and do shots while talking lots of mathy stuff. Because Here Be Nerds, y’all.

Meanwhile, Frenemy Hermione decides she needs to talk to a brick wall: finding none available, she decides to go another few rounds of “Did not! Did too!” with Sarah – and immediately finds herself frustrated as Sarah is endlessly distracted by bright shiny objects. And other people. And the sound of her own voice. And the fact that the volume inside her brain-case is filled with the vacuum of space. They finally get to talking, and Sarah insists that Frenemy Hermione must apologize to her, because after all she was acting totally professional (“Were not!” “Were too!” You get the idea.) Then, another distraction enters Sarah’s field of vision, and off she goes, with Hermione collapsing on the bed and letting out the Shriek of the Danged.

I feel your pain, Hermione.

Ohdearlord, only 45 minutes into this and I am already craving the box wine.

The next morning, at The Villa: Ben and Hermione, along with another roomie, are cleaning up after the toga party. For a community that prides itself on being “green,” they haul out enough garbage bags for a mid-size town. All the while complaining about (a) how hung over they are, and (2) how big Sarah’s Reality Distortion Field has grown. They then move on to getting ready for their VC pitch, with Ben ironing a shirt while Hermione attempts to give him fashion advice, which she punctuates by coming out in an outfit that I swear was rejected for this photoshoot.

They arrive at the VC’s lair (aptly named “500 Startups”), and Ben tells us the reason they are having to wait is because Those Mean Investors Are On A Power Trip, while Hermione is looking for a place to get 40 winks or so. She decides to sack out under the Boardroom conference table (insert alcohol-themed quip here), and asks Ben to keep an eye out for the VC. What could possibly go wrong?

If you answered “Ben gets distracted by a shiny object presentation, and the VC walks in to find Hermione sleeping under his conference table,” you would be correct. Hermione is mortified, the VC is annoyed, but the WunderKind proceed with their pitch. The VC is (rightfully) somewhat skeptical of their claim to having an app that will “predict your life expectancy in real time” and reward you for “good” behaviors by giving you “life points” that you can use to buy something or other (a session with a spiritual hummer, per chance?), especially when all they have is a PowerPoint deck and mockups of screen shots He wonders aloud exactly why the users don’t just use existing products from Fit-Bit, or Nike, or the like. He then grabs the laptop from Ben, and fast-forwards through the slide deck, much to the consternation of Ben. (True fact: people actually do this. Especially those who consider their time so valuable that they would just prefer to cut through the BS others are trying to spread in front of them.) He actually stops when he gets to the last slide – the one that explains that they need a Half-Million Dollar$, based on a 9-month burn-thru (read: “this is how big the rat-hole is we want to pour your cash down”). He decides to pass on this “opportunity,” and punctuates this by saying he “isn’t in the business of taking irrational risks.” He then gives Hermione one last piece of advice on her way out:

“Don’t sleep under my ****ing table anymore.”

You snooze, you lose.

Start-ups: <silicon.valley> airs at 9:00 PM Central time on Mondays, on BRAVO.

Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate..