Thursday, June 12, 2008

Ok, next up is Theresa’s request for naked skydiving. And how could I pass up such a fun topic without getting a little wild and crazy...

Of course naked skydiving is making a huge leap in popularity these days. There are a number of benefits in pursing this eclectic sport…

History

Of course we need to go back to when man was simply naked. Wait, that’s probably too far back. Let’s just go back to the whole nudist movement. Sure, you’ve heard of (and may have been to) a nudist colony. You get to feel natural, you get to feel uninhibited. And as anyone who has never gone suspects that you also get to check out naked hotties. Obviously anyone that has actually been to one knows that there are no hotties there, there are merely people like this:

Now it’s fine for this guy to blog naked…I just don’t want to know about it. And let's face it, he's probably not the best candidate for our topic at hand anyway. Well, obviously things moved out from just the nudist colony. For one thing, the plays they had up on stage weren’t very good because they never did dress rehearsals….

After that, we did have the streaking craze in the 70s. It allowed seemingly sane and normal people to behave like little children and run around without their clothes while conservatives chased them around and punished them with their rules. What fun! We even had a hit song

That paved the way to perhaps apply nakedness to sports. Why not? If you couldn’t get noticed because you weren’t the fastest or best, perhaps you could get noticed for what you lacked….clothing! The best part about pursuing your 15 minutes of fame is there are so many ways to achieve it….

Bicycling…

Tumbling….And then finally….skydiving

But other than a hefty citation, none of these had any benefits outside of the thrill of standing out in a crowd. But when it came to naked skydiving, it appeared we actually had an ancillary benefit: Reversing gravity’s effects!

That’s right, women who had been cursing the effects of gravity on their perky breasts were suddenly finding that falling to Earth naked at 150mph can reverse years of sag to breasts. “It was like hitting reverse on a tape recorder…I was back to my pre adolescent suckling condition in no time!” commented one perky diver we talked with.

There are some restrictions to yielding these benefits though. First of all, women should avoid over doing it. Many overzealous women have found that too much naked skydiving leads to boobies that stand straight up. It might take years of normal gravity to bring them back to some normal perkiness. Men with long schnowzers should avoid this hobby unless said instrument is properly tied down…

The other problem is cold. Descending naked at 150mph can be a freezing proposition. What to do? Lard. Yes, coating your whole body with Lard will not only allow you not to freeze to death but also gives you a nice George Hamilton tan upon your descent.

VE has currently been pursuing another crazy business idea of his own…naked tandem skydiving…with supermodels.

That’s right, not everyone can actually make the leap out of a perfectly good airplane by themselves and so it is very common for experts to go tandem with the novice. We will simply be extending this idea to allow you to choose the hottie of your choice for to be tied up with.

I can see this one really taking off. Right now we’re also testing the business model with naked tandem bungee jumping since it costs less due to fuel costs…

Ouch to that skydiving picture, and I don't even have boobies. My but that does look painful. And yes, one would be wise to put the Schnauzer on a leash, lest he get to whipping around in a painful, yet erotic fashion.

I visited a couple nudist camps when I was in college. You're absolutely right; they aren't a haven for hotties. However, if you have any doubts about the effects of gravity on the human body (or over-exposure to the sun), you won't have any doubts after meeting a few of those happy little "naturalists".

Great post.

Oh, by the way, Bob looks like a fun guy. You wouldn't happen to have his number, would you?

bee - Are you referring to the naked blogger or Bob? If the naked blogger...I think he could represent at least four of me! I'm only 6 feet tall and 180lbs! Now if you are referring to Bob...I can only WISH I were Bob...

I don't know, the lard might have some beneficial effect on gravity. Works okay on chicken breasts. It makes human skin look funny, though; we've all heard the term "lard butt." Therefore, I think I'll keep my clothes on while jumping, tumbling, riding, etc., 'til they come up with a better alternative.:)

Wait...that's not how masturbate is spelled. I know because I wanted to know what it meant when I was a kid and kept looking up "masterbate" in the dictionary and of course I could never find the definition. It was frustrating beyond belief. I resorted to asking my mom who told me "don't worry about it."

Since the pic of the naked blogger set into my brain I can't help but wonder how many others are blogging naked. I'm also now a bit uncomfortable and need to disconnect my webcam and go put on some pants.

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Back in the day when people blogged, I kept track of everyone that bothered to comment. Of course, nobody blogs anymore (okay, the couple of you that still do, you're like the "Road Warrior") so I have removed the blog roll sections.