So maybe I don’t need fixing? Maybe I’m perfectly normal except for a few bipolar episodes a month. Maybe I’m perfectly normal except that relationships are hard to manage under the waves of my high and low bipolar episodes. Unfortunately these episodes can last throughout the days, weeks, months and years. These episodes are rapid, can appear without sudden warning and sometimes when I’m outside looking in, I wonder about the duality of everything, the possibility of borderline personality disorder and about the strife everywhere in life.

As a result six months later after ongoing therapy I told the psychiatrist I would finally be ready to give medication a try and to my surprise she wasn’t super elated about it. I wonder if that meant anything aside from her not caring about making a difference in her position. The first medication she prescribed was called Lamictal. The interesting or unnerving thing about this medication is it’s actually considered an anti-epileptic (anticonvulsant) drug, if you can believe it.

This nutty psychiatrist prescribed Lamictal to me based on my bipolar disorder (to delay the episodes) and because she believed I could use additional assistance for weight loss. In any case, I was determined to give this a shot, so I took it with dedication for 3 months. Naturally, during the course, I went through many side effects and even if they lasted a mere day I wrote them all down. It was 2 decades almost exactly since I’ve taken any medication. Here’s how my brain and body reacted:

At first all the side effects above were consistent for the first 2 weeks. Then after the 2 weeks were up many of the side effects began to taper off as my body started to adjust without flu-like symptoms. However, these are the side effects that remained on a regular basis: An overwhelming desire to eat more Carbs than usual, extra Perspiration (even if I sat/stood still) and Headaches, Headaches, Headaches. But WAIT! There’s more.

In the beginning the one side effect that bothered me the most was the drowsiness; the feeling of perpetual sleepiness and overall weakness. Every day I was completely exhausted. During this sensible time, I was fighting with myself and wondering once again where my workout motivation disappeared to? Lamictal exhausted my entire system where for an entire month I couldn’t even get a single workout in.

The most prominent side effect (for me) that I can’t even explain, (but I’m sure somewhere there’s a terminology for it) tampered with who I am as a person. I’m not stupid enough to NOT believe changing or altering your brain/body’s chemistry wouldn’t affect your personality because it most certainly does. To me, this is one of the scariest things about taking a psychiatric pill, aside from consciously knowing you’re putting something extremely foreign in your body.

Lamictal affected one of the most personal parts of who I am – I could no longer write. I had zero desire for it. I felt like an entirely different person because of this. All my life I’ve written for school, tried my hand at screenplays, poetry, short stories and as you know blogging. So I’m like how could this be? No desire to write.

This was changing me in ways I wasn’t even ready for and I was doing my best to be objective about it. I would try sitting down at the table, hand caressing pen to paper, so I can come up with a single sentence and nothing would come out. It’s like the thought process couldn’t process a single thought. It’s like words meant nothing to me anymore and neither did the desire to express myself.

I felt severely inept and like I didn’t have any emotional response when it came to writing which blew my fucking mind! What kind of sorcery was this? This was when I decided I didn’t want to be on Lamictal anymore. It was a shock to my system that my brain and body reacted rather extreme.

So when I expressed to the nutty psychiatrist that Lamictal has changed me to the point where I don’t feel like myself anymore and I can’t even write anymore which is something I love doing, she says nonchalantly, “I never heard of this. This doesn’t seem possible. Let’s try something else.”

I desired him with bursting lust. I let it rain on my aura and let the mist find its way into my dreams repeatedly like an oath, like a séance.

I watched as others adored him for how beautiful he was on the surface; a body resembling a superhero, pectoral muscles like Captain America, abdominals ribbed for everyone’s pleasure and quads like a Greek God; the way they announced themselves during lunges with striated lightning to the eyes.

From the beginning, I appreciated the fire in his pupils and air of confidence. I not only asked, but I heard stories of his party promoting abilities, cocaine habits, Spanish women and elephant dick. I’d lean on in to the world of guaranteed chemistry, where I felt his transference licorice wave fuzzily on mine, in which, the commotion became mutual.

And when the time came, full square mirror on the ceiling, cloud-blue walls, golden sparkly headboard and splitting the hotel bill; he stripped his clothes with no big deal and half-sat and lay on the bed naked as a tree bark. I zeroed in on his member, awaiting the hyped monster dick, but to no avail.

The shyness I owned dissolved like both his lack of girth and lack of length. My thoughts flew back to the joys of Jefferson Valley where the love of my life has never failed to dissatisfy with his package of a body; the plump heart of his flank I suddenly yearned for. It’s the one that fits my vulva perfectly.

-Pennington

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I can’t stare into your eyes. They’re glossy with intent of the unknown. If I continue to stare them extensive and profound, you will notice the intense feelings I have and in that single moment you will possess me. You observed me as I was out in the open hiding my face away from the dark mask with long fluttering lashes. Again, you were able to see one of my many downfalls on being methodical. But you named it chemistry.

You say I’m interesting rather than compliment me from a generic style you know I don’t enjoy those; you say I’m a beautiful person more so, than a lotus if she were to be human. And you know when I grab a hold of your muscular beef arm with my strong grip of attack and how you never hesitated to latch on me with a focus strike to let me know you know I know an attractive clue of what I’m up to.

I want to have you badly and I cannot gaze you in the face because you are an expert within the same place. You want me too, probably more so, but you’re reserved and patient unlike me. So how am I to imitate your sexual repose and pace? Yet I watch you fidget in my presence and play it off cool and composed as I leer at a lengthy distance like a tiger waiting to hunt for fun.

But you’re anything but still, and anything but rude. I’m everything unruffled should be but I’m a master in breaking rules and creating waves, dramatically vulgar and assertively edgy. It’s why tonight I informed you how strong my tension is and I laid it on the table for you to make your next move.