779,536

March 10, 2009

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John Hamm: Hello, Mr. President. Lex Luthor here. As you may or may not know, my once prosperous multinational corporation, Lexcorp, has recently, like so many others, suffered from the recent economic downturn. So I now come to you a humbled man and I ask that you grant Lexcorp a one hundred billion dollar bailout. Now, I know what you're asking, "Lex, where did it all go wrong?" Well, we got heavily into investing into an awful lot of worthless desert property. We then tried to blow up the state of California so that would go up. We tried to build an entirely new landmass in the middle of the North Atlantic out of stolen Kryptonian crystals, but, of course, you know who comes in and scoops the whole thing out of the water and throws it into outer space, which is typical. So then I tried to steal a strand of Superman's hair to create, to create a genetic matrix I was going to strap to a nuclear missile that Superman was going to then throw into the sun. Of course, this creates an all powerful Nuclear Man who's bent on world destruction and, even though Superman was totally responsible for the creation of this guy, he comes in and saves the day by pushing the moon out of its orbit, thereby totally robbing Nuclear Man of his powers. Great. Great job! (John Hamm is getting enraged.) I'm sorry, but I work really hard on these things and this f(bleeped)ing guy comes in and he's like, "Yeah, I'm the guy." (John Hamm shakes off the anger.) Ah, it is what it is, right? Regardless, I'm sure your next question is, "Lex, fine, what are you going to do with a hundred billion dollars?" It's simple. I'm going to use it to kill Superman. (Dramatic music plays in the background.) I mean, come on, right. I'm Lex Luthor, ha, ha, ha. That's what I do. I try to kill Superman. I mean it's not, it's not that tough an equation. Uh, regardless, uh, here's what I'm going to do. I have a really good idea this time. Don't tell anybody. (Dramatic music plays in the background.) I'm going to trick Superman into rescuing a school bus full of children. Only, the children are made of Kryptonite. Actually, you know, now that I say it out loud, it probably isn't the greatest idea.

Johanna Parker enters the room dressed as professional secretary, carrying a notebook and looking distressed.

John Hamm: I mean, this is I'm spitballing. I'm coming off the top of my head. Many, many things, I've got a lot of things in the hopper. (Speaking angrily to Johanna Parker) What is it? What?

Johanna Parker: Superman just flew backwards around the Earth and reversed the national debt.