I’ve struggled a bit lately with blogging. What else is new, right? I haven’t been the same since my father was diagnosed with f*cking cancer last August and his subsequent death in December. That experience changed me so much. For the better, in some ways (I appreciate the people in my life so much more, I’ve cut out toxic people). But in other ways it still leaves me with my head spinning.

It has been over ten months and I still haven’t quite found the time to mourn.

And I think this has directly contributed to my writer’s block.

Well, either that or it’s the lack of sleep, the too-much-on-my-plate thing or the fact that I’m raising two kids with demanding needs. One of the two.

The good news is that things seem to be calming down on the kid front. Bugaboo has settled back down into his “new” normal and Bug Boy seems to have adjusted to Middle School. October is always hell month for us (so is March!) and every year I’m all ZOMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING and every year I remember it’s like this every freaking year.

Today I had not-as-much-as-usual on my plate. Which meant three straight hours I could devote to myself. After sitting in my pajamas for a few hours goofing off I decided to head to our local hippie coffee establishment (FREE WIFI!) and blog from there. There’s something magical about this place, see. I feel like my mind is clearer here. I try to come as often as I can. Getting out of my house, away from the dogs and laundry and ringing phone, helps me focus. I should do this more often. You know, leave my house? What I should really tell you is they have this ass-kicking bacon-egg-cheese bagel sandwich. Not just any sandwich, mind you. Applewood smoked bacon. Farmer’s cheddar cheese. Free range eggs. WHAT? Well, what did you expect in a hippie college town coffee shop? Sheesh. No nitrate-laden stuff here!

So here I sit. Chatting with folks I recognize, smiling at strangers, back to the wall, typing away, listening to the cappucino machine frothing milk and pondering my life. Where it’s going, where it’s been and what the hell I’m gonna be when I grow up.

Got any ideas? I’ve had four majors already. Perhaps a few more days in the coffee shop and it will all be clear.

It’s hard to slow down and grieve. Hard to define a world without them in it. Who can say how long it takes? Maybe you don’t have to decide yet? Just chill. It’s obviously a gift, this blogging thing. But what if another gift is larger and blogging is just to record it.