I am new to the forum and I have been struggling lately. I was Abuse as a child by my neighbor. He was a few years older than me. Every since than I have had sexual relationship with guys. However, I been married to my wife coming up on 7 years. I lust after men and when I look at guys I can easily say man he looks good to myself. But my attraction for women is not the same. I am struggling because I am married and have a 4 year old daughter and a 13 year step son. I have caused my wife tremendous pain over the years. She accepted my ways but it's no trust. I can't even concentrate right now. I am finding it really hard to admit if I am gay or bi. Why am I sturggling so hard with this. I need help. All advice will be consdered and helpful. Thanks for listening guys. I am in Celebrate Recovery for my sexual addiction.

Hello Truth35, welcome to Male Survivor!I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. Many of us have been exposed to sexuality much earlier than should be. Because of that it altered our world as we were kids and left us like in eternal cycle of some confusion (at least that is how I feel). I don't have simple answer how to get out of that confusion, I'm still in search for exit of that cycle. For start it is good to openly talk about struggles and inner demons, keeping things in secrets give it more powers over our lives. So it is good that this place is offering us anonymity and possibility to relieve secrets and by so to fight shame and similar negative feelings. There are many reasons why survivors are doing things against themselves in compulsive manner, it can be anything destructive: risky sex with strangers, alcohol and drugs use, gambling, self harm, porn addiction... - list is long. There are many articles and books about survivors of sexual abuse that talk about it. Reason for some of those activities are grounded in original trauma and relief is not possible to gain before trauma is healed. For some of us it became copying mechanism for enduring negative emotions in everyday lives, kind of numbing strategy that lead us to some excitement and high drive "forbidden" activities. Anything just to get some relief as some pressure occasionally builds in us. In any case you are not alone! You were very brave as you started your journey for healing. Keep sharing with us!

It is such a tough struggle T , most of us here get it though cuz whatever conclusion we come to for ourselves there will have been a lot of navel gazing, tears and heartbreak.

By def'n u are a man having sex with other men. The question is why?

If you find other men attractive then at the least you are bi. If you exclusively find men attractive and fantasize about them in a sexual and intimate way, more likely gay. That is if you only feel an attraction to women for companionship but don't lust after them the same as you do for a man. If you really truly find both men and women attractive to you both physically and sexually, whatever the balance or percentage or Kinsey number, then bi it is.

If you only think about male genitals without actually finding a guy attractive and have anxiety or disturbing thoughts associate with it , then more likely str8 with csa imprinting.

If you have guilty feelings after sex with a man you are likely gay if you enjoyed it on many levels but are ashamed because of the intense sense of betrayal to your spouse or kids or family or church.

If the whole thing repulsed you but you did it for the thrill or endorphin/ dopamine rush and have no feelings of the sense of intimacy or kissing or embracing or even touch, then you are more likely not gay.

But whatever it is , hell ya it's hard to admit to yourself because we as CSA survivors have been trained to suppress feelings for so long. The courage comes from understanding that we never got the tools to be in touch with who we truly are whatever we are. It's much tougher to hammer a nail if you never knew about a hammer.

The right answer will come when you allow yourself the permission to embrace who and what your heart truly feels. The answer does not and cannot come from your spouse, children, church, society or even what your ideal of who you want to be is, it can only come when you are not afraid to look yourself in the eye and be who you ARE.

Lose the fear , gain your life.

I get the pain you are going through , it fucking hurts. All I can say is trust yourself.

It's a bumpy ride but that's the price of admission.

Your moniker says it all - TRUTH !

Grant

_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

Hey Truth35. I am also new to the forum. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and I also had trouble dealing with lust towards men while trying to establish healthy relationships with men and women. Finally in my desperation I turned to sexaholics anonymous and it was a big help to me. I have been in SA for three years now and have enough freedom of not being so powerless over lust. (Please note that I am not saying lust is no longer an issue in my life.) It was not easy, but the 12 step program gives me a fellowship where I can talk about my lust. It's funny because when I used to talk about lust, I was "comming out," now it's just talking. Now I can look my family and friends in the eye. I work a program of recovery. I am trustworthy.

There are many men in the groups who are also adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Though most of them are straight, it is amazing how we have so much in common. I am not so much different after all.

This is what happens when shit makes sense in my head but the page does not respond.

Having said that , There is a more to it than the sentence fragment you isolated Mark. What I was trying to say is if you enjoyed the sex with a man on some level of emotional , sexual , intimacy, identification, where it just feels right - BUT you feel guilty because of a breach of a vow or what your conscience said is wrong, then it is more likely that you are gay. It goes to the preponderance of probability.

Sexual orientation is an ENDURING pattern of emotional, romantic, and or sexual attraction to a gender. You can be in jail and get bj's from men. That does not make you gay if you visualize a babe during the deed. If you dream about, fantasize and long to be with a women while having sex with men cuz of circumstance it doesn't make you gay, just horny.

You can be celibate or be having sex with women but long to be in a man's arms, get excite by male pheromones or jerk off with visions of studs. You are neither asexual nor str8. You are likely gay not engaging in the lifestyle or minimally Bi.

Orientation has nothing to do with what you do with your genitals. But people are generally more happy , fulfilled and complete when their organs are engaged in congruence with what their inner voice, true desires and romantic liaisons are.

You have one life to live. You can, as Markus Backmann says - be a " barbarian" who needs to be "educated" ( coerced or otherwise indoctrinated ) or you can shed the shackles of Bronze Age myth, societal constraints and inner anguish.

A 'lifestyle" is what you do, Orientation is who you are.

I hope that makes more sense . Cheers

Footnote: have talked to married guys who were csa survivors and gay. They knew it but felt unable to accept it. One dejectedly shrugged - "I made my bed". The other a Muslim involved in his mosque " there is no gay in Islam" . So be it.

_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

What I was trying to say is if you enjoyed the sex with a man on some level of emotional , sexual , intimacy, identification, where it just feels right - BUT you feel guilty because of a breach of a vow or what your conscience said is wrong, then it is more likely that you are gay. It goes to the preponderance of probability.

...and I'm right there with you until you get to "BUT you feel guilty ...." --- I just don't get where that means anything. From my experience, I would say "is if you enjoyed the sex with a man on some level of emotional, sexual , intimacy, identification, where it just feels right." - then you may be gay. I do not understand (or appreciate) how guilt being present is some kind of sign that someone is gay.

Not to say you haven't presented valid, sound information - for you have. I just question the need for some of the words that seem to belittle, downgrade, and ridicule the person who might be having guilt and telling him "Guilt - oh yeah man, your gay - gay and guilt - oh yeah, that's a sure sign."

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