It’s a wash
SOUTH KIPLING PARKWAY — Calvin Customer called JCSO on Nov. 8 to report an assault on his person. Calvin told deputies he’d gone into Larry Laundryman’s establishment to pick up some shirts, but Larry told him they weren’t ready. When Calvin had innocently inquired as to his laundry’s ETA, an incensed Larry “pushed me out the door.” Calvin said he just wanted to get his shirts back, after which he would never go back to Larry’s laundry. As it happened, Larry Laundryman called JCSO on Nov. 8 to report himself harassed. Larry told deputies that Calvin Customer came in to pick up his shirts long before he’d been told they’d be ready, and when Larry couldn’t instantly produce them Calvin “challenged me to come outside and fight with him.” Larry said he just wanted Calvin to pay for his cleaning, after which he would no longer be welcome at Larry’s laundry. No charges were filed, and both men got just what they asked for.

Cash and carry
SOUTH ALKIRE STREET — Responding to an electronic alarm at a big giant liquor mart just minutes after midnight on Nov. 10, deputies were invited to the upstairs security office to enjoy some surveillance footage. The tape clearly shows a gray Toyota pickup truck stopping in front of the store, and a man wearing a red baseball cap and black shorts getting out. The man casually walks up to the front doors, casually pushes them open, casually saunters into the deserted business and casually leaves a few moments later with a 200 ml bottle of Smirnoff in his hand. The manager tasked with investigating the alarm told officers that it appeared likely his employees neglected to lock up at the end of the business day. It also appeared that the after-hours shopper left ample cash to cover his unauthorized purchase on the checkout counter, which is why the manager was in no hurry to pursue charges. Thinking it not impossible that the red-capped rascal had simply not realized the big giant liquor mart was closed, deputies advised the manager to post store hours somewhere around the entrance. Thinking pretty much the same thing, the manager said he’d try to get around to that.

A piddling offense
WEST BELMONT AVENUE — Working a job together on Nov. 6, Uncle and Nephew took their lunch break in the cab of Uncle’s pickup truck. There they were, contently chewing their bologna sandwiches, when their repast was ruined by the sight of a workman from a nearby home remodeling project relieving himself on the side of Uncle’s work trailer. Photographing the resulting puddle, Uncle called JCSO and asked deputies to discipline the wanton wizzer. Asked to explain his tactless tinkle, Workman explained that he’d “really needed to go” and found the home’s bathroom inaccessible due to the remodel. He couldn’t access the site’s bathrooms because of the remodeling. Poking his nose inside, a deputy pointed out that the home’s downstairs bathroom was both functional and attractive. Workman assured him he’d “never been told there was a bathroom downstairs.” As Uncle wasn’t looking to press charges, officers merely warned Workman to “be more mindful” about where he wee-wees.