Breakdown

To hell with the air conditioning martyrs.

Can I just say that I HATE humidity? Right now, it is 9 a.m., and it’s 73 degrees and 94% humidity. Let me repeat that. 94% HUMIDITY.

These are the same conditions commonly found in Native American medicine tents — the little teepees on the outskirts of camp that they would retreat to in order to sweat out poisons and have vision quests. Well, in the 5 minutes I spent outside this morning, I too had a vision. It was one of me with my hair pasted to my cheeks and my neck in a sweaty, gooey, tangled mess. Oh wait. That was REALITY. Christ.

As I was driving to daycare with the little man in tow, I noticed a few cars here and there with their WINDOWS DOWN. Fuckers. Stubborn self-discipline, incited to make me feel like a self-indulgent pansy in the face of a little — OK, a lot — of heat and moisture. It’s like a big fuck you — we can take the summer weather and you can’t. People, you KNOW you want to turn your air on as bad as me. So just do it. I promise I won’t think any less of you. That piece of shit Alero you’re driving, well, that’s another story.

By the way, who are these assholes who keep saying, “The hotter it is, the happier I am.” Who are they fucking kidding? You mean to tell me that when it’s 100 degrees and 90% humidity, you’re happy to be outside trimming your grass with a scissors, sweating dripping down the small of your back in a maddening trick… trick… trickle? Not only are you fucking crazy, you’re a fucking liar. Lying to make me feel like a wuss for staying inside on a day like this, air cranked to 70, lying underneath a blanket and watching re-runs of “The Office” (British version) on my blessed Tivo.

Just know that every minute you spend with saucer-sized circles of sweat in the airpits of your shirt, you are suffering is in vain. For I, frankly, don’t give a shit. Me and all the other A/C lovers are happy in our air-conditioned igloos.

I love my A/C. And I know y’all do too. So quit with the matryr act. If you truly like the heat as much as you claim, do us all a favor and stick your head in the oven. Then you can spend eternity in the hot, humid, fiery pits of hell. Now wouldn’t that be heaven?