After extensive perusal of the Internet, reviewing reviews from the standard paid professionals to writer-celebs like Albom (who we like to call "stunt reviewers") to teens to journalists across the pond to bloggers to the people of Wal-Mart, we have distilled criticism and commentary of the book in order to answer any remaining questions you may have about it and its progeny.

What is it?

"Fifty Shades of Grey is about a 22-year-old college literature student, Anastasia, a virgin who falls for a 28-year-old entrepreneur, Christian Grey, who gets a sexual charge out of being in charge. It's explicitly tie-me-up, tie-me-down; sometimes a necktie is not just for tying around necks." [Carolyn Kellogg, The Los Angeles Times]

"As female fantasies go, it’s a twofer: lasting love and a winning Mega Millions lottery ticket. And what is shameful about 'Fifty Shades of Grey' isn’t the submissive sex, it’s the Cinderella story." [Alessandra Stanley, The New York Times]

"It's a fresh witty look about courtship and compromise, written in a delightful style." [Princeton Book Review]

"The train lurched, (ladies and gentleman, the train is being delayed by…) and the old woman sitting next to me with the sleepy eyes and the floral headscarf briefly gripped my wrist for balance, ripping me from the lurid descriptions of feminine psychosexuality unfolding on the page. DON’T TOUCH ME! I almost squeaked, sweating coldly, before coming to: I’M JUST READING A BOOK ABOUT SPORTS OVER HERE FOLKS, I’M JUST A GUY READING ABOUT SPORTS."[Frank Santo, The New York Daily News]

"Sit in a thrumming bus or subway car and read E L James' indefatigable sex story on an e-reader, cradling the instrument with one hand while stroking the touchscreen to turn pages with the other." [Lisa Schwarzbaum, EW]

"Before I got down and settled with this book, I broke open a box of Franzia, cued up “I Want to Sex You Up” by Color Me Badd, and pulled on my comfy sweats..." [Dionne Galace, Guess What I'm Reading?]

"As has been noted, our heroine Anastasia Steele begins most of her sentences with 'Holy crap!' People say 'shall' a lot and 'fetch' things instead of get them. When Christian Grey 'rips through' Anastasia's virginity, she actually says 'Argh!' like Jon finding out that Garfield has once again shredded the curtains." [Julieanne Smolinski, New York]