Wednesday, 29 November 2006

I've actually been able to eat today with minimal nausea - so back to work tomorrow!

I'm feeling not to back emotionally now either - it's not been like that all day - I've had far too many people, including my closest friend and family responding with the usual "that's life" and "you've always been this way" from my family to "no you haven't been depressed for years, I've never seen you this way" from my friend. I guess that shows how well and little they all know me all at the same time...

They know I am the sort of person who just keeps going and they know that I know all the things they are saying - but what they don't often realise or, so I suspect, aren't willing to accept, is that it's knowing these things and what they expect from me that makes me shut off how I'm feeling and just keep pushing...

I know everything is ok in reality. I know that people love me. I know that life is hard sometimes - I've lived it - and I've pushed myself beyond my comfort zones so many times. I know I have incredible strength and achieve some incredible stuff. I know I have the strength and courage to face my fears and create a better life for myself - I have done so for many years now...

But right now I have no energy to do so. I don't have any energy left from all that pushing and all that struggling I've done in recent years and my body and my emotions cannot cope any more - I cannot go on with the same stamina - in fact I sometimes wonder how I'll get out of bed and face the day...

Yet because I have always done so - however crap I have felt - people expect me to just do so and think my moaning is purely that - moaning - with no real meaning behind it... cos sure, I've moaned lots and to be fair I never do anything about it because I always feel the need to keep going and sort it out... so I moan and then I face it...

So I can't blame people for not understanding me now, not understanding the deep need I have to stop and break and just be and heal myself a bit... how can they know just how exhausted I am when I do keep going...

I told my mum a while back I was so tempted to quit work and trust I'd work it all out and I got slated for it... completely... so I didn't... I wonder what would happen if I did one day just stop getting out of bed and just look after myself as people keep telling me I should... because quite frankly I can't look after myself any more than I already am doing without taking such a drastic step...

Yet I wouldn't do that anyway - cos I have too much pride to do so, too much fear of what people would think...

I wonder - would it take such drastic action for people to take me seriously?

However - I am going back to work tomorrow - life goes on and so do I! Let'shope it's a good day and things begin to pick up a bit... there's always hope isn't there?!

Tuesday, 28 November 2006

I called in sick today and then phoned the doctor's surgery and managed to get an appointment this afternoon with a locum. He was really lovely and even though I was 10 minutes late (I was actually only 2 mins late but the woman in front of me at reception took forever!) he never rushed me once... amazing!

He checked my mole and told me that even though it didn't strike him as something he would immediately worry about he wants me to book an appointment with another doctor at the surgery who is actually a skin specialist to get a second opinion on it. This is going to be tricky - as I work the other side of town during surgery hours - so I'm gonna have to try and do an early shift one day and start at 7 so I can leave by 4 and be at the surgery by 5 if they'll let me.

As to the stomach bug - well he told me I'd been doing all the right things and that I looked quite weak and to take it easy and keep it simple. Then when I discussed with him how ill I've been feeling and how hard I've been finding it all he said "It sounds like you're depressed" - FINALLY someone taking me seriously - last time I approached a doctor about feeling this way I was told it was just "stress" which all university students go through *sigh*

He asked me if I would consider taking any tablets to help with that and I told him I'd rather not and he replied that I struck him as the sort of person who would rather try and deal with it naturally. So he gave me the number of a local counselling service and suggested I exercise more to release endorphins.

I've felt this way for soooo long - years even that to finally have someone acknowledge that I'm not making a fuss over nothing and not expecting me to just get on with it is quite reassuring - though the unit co-ordinator at the nursery didn't sound overly impressed when I told her that the doctor thinks that depression and my IBS might be why I'm finding it so hard to shake this bug when most other people (according to the manager) have got over it within 24 hours.

It's interesting because I have felt so low and so close to giving up for so long and I am beginning to be more open about this rather than just biting my lip and trudging along but it's almost as if people just think I'm fussing and I feel like they think I have no idea what the world is really like... so often I have had the responses "we all go through it" "that's life" and "it just doesn't work that way". I am so torn because I *know* if I don't stop soon and take care of myself I really am going to burn out - I already am in a very big way - but also people just expect me to get on with it and I just can't face their looks and responses when I just even *suggest* giving up and having a break... I sometimes wonder just *how* ill I have to be for them to really understand - I mean do I need to have a friggin' nervous breakdown before they accept it's real?

I guess it's my own fault really - I'm gone from completely dependent on others to completely independent and became known and admired for my determination, stamina and strength of character... I remember my personal tutor at uni telling me that "other people may have given up or struggled but you not only survived the year through many hardships but also excelled in your exams" and later "you could take a year out but that might not help if it's an ongoing issue - maybe you should stop worrying about getting good grades and just think about getting through this with your sanity intact... but I guess that's not what Amandas do is it?"

Well I called in sick today... I still feel really rotten - managed to force down some porridge oats and water this morning and a tiny bit of chocolate of all things but that's it...

I have to call the nursery by 3:30 to let them know how it's going... eeek and I have a doctor's appointment at 3:50 today - hopefully he will be able to a) check my dodgy mole once and for all and put my mind at ease about that and b) suggest why I'm feeling this crappy... well actually I know why - I've run myself down for far too long - but it'd be helpful if I could perhaps get retested for things like anaemia, and discuss this whole IBS theory cos really all I got was "I think you have this, here try these tablets" and that was that... no help in sorting my diet out, nothing... so I think I need a long chat with the doctor to work out what I'm doing...

I am really torn today - between staying here and enjoying my independence (I'm finally out of uni, living in a shared house, working with kids and look at me - I'm unhappy) and going home to live with my parents for a bit.

I tried that after uni - my plan was to go home for a few months, rest a bit after wearing myself out so much, and then have lower stress levels and earn some money and get some work experience without having to use all my wages for rent... at home my parents would only take a small percentage - to help me get out of my student debt and on my feet...

But my relationship with my mum is so strained - we just don't see eye to eye at the moment, and she is ill, my sister is still at home and ill and depressed, my dad is stressed with work - I couldn't hack it in the summer and just had to get away... I don't want to get stuck back at home as I know I could...

Also I've made connections here in Cambridge - I don't want to lose them so soon...

But I just feel like maybe going home for a bit and being able to maybe cut down my hours a bit might be beneficial in the long run, giving me chance to sort my health and emotions out a bit...

I just don't know what to do - I love Cambridge... but I don't know how much joy is really gonna be in my life whilst I'm struggling so much to cope... going back to Lincoln is like a kick in the gut and like going backwards - but maybe it'd be worth it...

Monday, 27 November 2006

I went in to work today - couldn't bear the thought of calling in sick on my third day - but I still felt very queasy and running between crying babies, trying to rock and soothe 2 babies at once whilst entertaining another, changing nappies and making up baby formula wasn't the best way to ease my nausea lol... Especially as the bus journey there had churned me up to begin with...

But it was still good to go in and see them all and find out that next week we're starting *drum roll please* Baby Yoga and Baby Massage... omg how excited am I?!?! I have been interested in those for aaaaaaaaages!!

I am however worried slightly about how quickly I fell ill... I shouldn't be surprised really... I mean my immune system is CRAP... always has been and I've had so many health and emotional issues over the past 4-5 years (more even if I count older issues) that I am so worn out my body can't cope... I knew I was burning out and my iridologist uncle confirmed it for me by pointing out that my body is not only failing to remove waste from my body but is actually reabsorbing it - making me ill... no wonder my digestion is so crappy...

But I didn't expect to be this ill, this quickly and it has really shaken me up... I feel like such a wuss - but I hate throwing up - in fact I have a phobia about it - a really, sweat inducing phobia... which caused me to have panic attacks around meal times and stop eating and become terribly underweight as a pre-teen... so last week was a nightmare... I thought I was doing so well coping with the baby puke - and I was... but now I worry all the time that I'll be ill...

I have always hated this aspect of myself... I LOVE caring for others, babies, elderly, disabled, friends... but when people throw up I can't stand it - I get all panicky and have more than once had to walk away leaving them in someone else's care...

It took me YEARS to come to terms with this and I still haven't completely... but at least I can tell people about it now - apparently there's even a name for it - emetophobia - actually finding that out and that I wasn't the only one helped me open up and tell people about it!

And so, in a weird way, I am blessed that the babies made me so ill I spent all of Friday night vomiting - cos it made me face my fear... although I hated it I actually felt a very strange small sense of pride in my ability to deal with it... so that was ok - I just don't want to do it again anytime soon lol

And I still feel ill - getting a reallytight chesty cough - no wonder - when you have up to 14 babies in one unit and two units to each room and they're all ill it's very likely you'll become ill... I am beginning to wonder how much more of this my body can take... I really don't want to give up - but I can't force my body to cope when it's already drowning somewhat...

I am so torn between my love of children and finally working with them and living my dream and my health and not wanting to feel so crap...

Sunday, 26 November 2006

My first two days were wonderful - I love working with babies - it's the first time I've ever felt good during my first day at a new place - it just seemed so natural to be with them...

However there is a sickness bug going around - so many babies puked on me and they were all crying and then Friday night I began throwing up too :o(

I spent all of yesterday in bed and have finally managed to make it out of bed today but still feel quite rough... just hoping I feel better by tomorrow - I've got to get the bus at 7am and won't get home til about 6pm... and I don't want to be dealing with babies when feeling this rough - but I also don't want to have to call in sick on my third day!

Oh well... I'm beginning to wonder if maybe this is the right place - hopefully that's just cos I feel so ill and haven't felt that great since I begun (health wise that is)... guess I gotta try patience and see what happens...

Wednesday, 22 November 2006

Tomorrow I begin working at the nursery - so today is the last day of dreaming before I begin living the dream tomorrow... I am so excited and yet... so not.

I feel like I should be more excited - maybe I'm not because I don't want to expect too much. Maybe it's because I still have loads to do today. Maybe it's just apprehension taking over. Far too often I miss out on the excitement because I overanalyse and worry far too much about what could go wrong... something I am trying to change.

So many fears - will I be good at it? Will I like it? Will they like me?

I guess only time will tell... and for now I should be getting on with all my bits and bobs.

Today I have to go to the doctors for a new-patient check and also to get a dodgy mole checked which I've had for years but it just keep playing on my mind... then I really wanted to go on the bus to the hospital to time the journey and also find my way through the hospital grounds, and then I need to go to Tesco to buy some essentials... just gotta work out which order to do it all in...

Tuesday, 21 November 2006

For years I have dreamed of working with children. As a child my favourite thing to do was play with my dolls and pretend to get married and have kids! Then when my mum became a childminder when I was 9 I just knew I wanted to work with kids. My mind was set up and I dreamed of one day becoming a school teacher...

That is until I reached my GCSE years and began thinking about my options for the future. When telling my teachers I was planning on staying in my hometown to train as a teacher I was told over and over again "You should go to university first, you are capable of it". I didn't want to go to university... but it seemed that people just assumed I would go - I was clever and that was that...

I became really depressed in my final year at school - and dropped from getting straight A's to failing my resits - all because I gave up trying... I didn't want to go to university - the idea terrified me and I didn't have a passion to study there at all... as it was I chose the uni for its campus before I'd even decided what to study.

Going to uni was the hardest thing I have ever done - possibly the best thing I ever did to begin with - making me become independent and all that... but once I had overcome my fears of leaving home uni held nothing for me. Oh, I got the best out of it I could - I worked in Germany, studied in Russia, visited other countries and developed my internet capabilities and began writing more and more... but my heart wasn't in the academic side of things and I felt stifled, pressurised and miserable.

I couldn't wait for uni to end - I almost left in my second year but got talked into staying. What irritates me the most is not that people didn't support me but that I didn't have the courage to believe in what I wanted and go for it.

When I finished uni I didn't know what to do - I was so terrified of making a mistake that I was trapped - what I had thought I wanted I didn't - what I thought would make me happy, didn't... and I felt utterly miserable...

Eventually I found myself working at Specsavers (an opticians in Britain) and although the work was interesting, it wasn't enough - there was too much pressure to learn things I didn't want to learn (i.e. about specs and contact lenses etc)... I thought to myself that if I'm gonna put this much effort into it I may as well be doing something I *really* want to do.

So then when a nursery offered me a job to work in the babyroom for more money than I earned I just couldn't refuse.

And so, on Thursday I begin my new job. I moved house last week and my last day at work was on Saturday - so many changes are happening in my life right now and so it is a bit challenging. I have fears that maybe I threw away a perfectly good job. Maybe I won't be any happier at the nursery... so many what-ifs...

It is doubly scary because I am *finally* doing what I have dreamt of doing for so many years - what if it doesn't make me happy... that's a lot of pressure...

I know I love children - I know I love caring for people - it's what I enjoy the most - but is it going to be enough? Time will tell - I just hope it is because I don't want to have to go through another upheaval so soon...