Sunday Duty? Sunday Dread?

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My Mum has alzs and my Dad is her carer. I help out when I can and when I am needed.

Mum is 77years old and takes Aricept.

My Dad attends the local Alzs Group each month and receives good support and encouragement there. I have recently joined TP because I am baffled with how I feel.

Every Sunday I visit my Parents in a social setting rather than a caring one.

Every Sunday I dread going because I really can't handle it and I find it really hard to see the way the illness is progressing in Mum. As soon as I arrive I want to leave. My Dad asks me each time I see them how Mum looks and if I think she is improving. I cannot lie to him, so I either talk about her medication or say that Mum looks tired, which she always does these days.

It's Saturday morning and already I'm dreading seeing them tomorrow, just thinking about it has me in tears.

It's not that I don't want to see my parents. I guess it's because I miss my Mum so much, in so many ways.

Anyone got a magic wand I can wave? Failing that, does anyone identify with how I feel.

Registered User

Hello there - I have a great deal of sympathy for you and can totally relate to your dread.

I see Mum 2-3 times per week and to be honest, it's mostly out of duty (there I said it) but I do truly care about her and I get very drained and distressed when she gets taken over by the dementia monster. Maybe a couple of suggestions:

If you drive, could you take your Mum and Dad out for lunch or even just for a cup of tea and a sticky bun somewhere? Is your Mum well enough for that? It may break up your visit and help a bit perhaps.

Could you break the routine now and again - maybe take a day's leave and visit then, so that you could have a free day on Sunday? It may help to do this.

Could you have something to look forward to when you get home - a nice meal or a hot bath with bubbly stuff or even - dare I say it - a stiff drink?!!

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Thank you for your replies. It't such a relief for you to identify with my feelings.

Thanks to GrannieG for the reminder of how my Dad looks forward to Sunday. I know he is having a tough time too and I suppose I can't cope with his pain as well as mine. I guess Sunday's are not like they used to be.

Thanks to SusanB for the suggestions. We have tried to break up the "routine" on a Sunday but for lots of reasons they didn't work out. I have tried going on another day instead of Sunday but I then feel guilty if I don't visit on Sunday - I feel like I have abandoned them.

Thanks to Barraff - I do my best and on a good day I do not reproach myself. However, on a bad day, my best doesn't seem good enough.

My son says that to me , Nanny just getting old ( mum 77 ) . I don't argue back , because it must help him cope with seeing the changes in my mother . to him she has not change because she still know who he is , that all he care about .

How do I cope ? I don't see the disease I see my mother how she is now , not how she was in the past .

Its like she spilt in two, how she was then , how she is now . she still my mother no matter what this disease does to her

I've been though all the emotion , 6 years of seeing her change , am just getting use to it . I've just learn to live with the changes and yes it does not get any easer , emotional , I just learn to balance it out more .

If you drive, could you take your Mum and Dad out for lunch or even just for a cup of tea and a sticky bun somewhere? Is your Mum well enough for that? It may break up your visit and help a bit perhaps.

Could you break the routine now and again - maybe take a day's leave and visit then, so that you could have a free day on Sunday? It may help to do this.

Could you have something to look forward to when you get home - a nice meal or a hot bath with bubbly

Registered User

Account Closed

Dear Kit Kat ...... I know the sense of 'duty' too well ..... when I was helping to care for my dad years back (when mum was his main carer) I never for one moment thought of anything I did as out of 'duty' ..... such was my relationship with dad I gave up work, moved down, moved area and home just to be 'on hand' ...... ......I would have done anything for him ..... (mindful of balancing my own family's needs, too) and never once did I think of it as 'duty' ..... I loved him. End of.

With mum..... different ball game. Different relationship .......yes, there are days I love her desperately and sob at her demise .... but there are others too when I just want to jump off what is essentially a treadmill .......

The 'Sunday' theme provoked a thought .... your mother is a similar age to mine ... growing up in a generation when people met at someone's house (in later years it was mine!) and there was a family gathering and roast dinner every week? ...... we are of a generation where shops now open on Sundays, football matches are played and the traditional 'family gathering' or 'family outing' has been eroded ....... I have learnt myself the importance of maintaining 'routines' in terms of my mother - but there are, too, times when tradition needs to be broken for our own sakes .....

It is another balancing act, I'm afraid, of looking after one generation when our own (and the next we are trying to care for too) is experiencing great change .....