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May 11, 2012

A sure sign that you've lost your blogging mojo is when you can't even remember your blog's access password.

So I went to Paris and it was fabulous. But before I show you all my pretty pictures, I thought I would share with you the most important bit I learned on my trip. And that is: how not to dress for Paris.

The French ‘météo’ said the week would be warm and cold, rainy and sunny. I’m a terrible packer to begin with but this was no help at all. I was clever to bring a hip trench coat, fitted and belted, bought for the occasion at the Gap (a wild fashion move for me. When you’re used to target brand clothing, gap clothing makes you feel senselessly extravagant.)

Remember that line they say constantly in Woody Allen’s Midnight in Paris: ‘Paris is so much more beautiful in the rain’ ? Well I can’t say if it is more beautiful. But I can guarantee that it’s a great deal wetter. Over the course of 20 years in Southern California I must have acquired a romanticized vision of rain. I thought, no sweat. I can handle rain and a temperature in the 50s. I am a born Parisian after all.

Wrong! I cannot! Not with that kind of rain, and not with that kind of wind.

Within an hour of Day 1, my boots were drenched, my socks were wet, and I found out that my too long wide-legged jeans made for a terrific sponge. The fabric being stretchy (for comfort) my pants became heavier and heavier as I walked, and as it absorbed more gutter water. At the point of saturation they began an irrepressible downward motion. Soon it felt like my undies were being pull down with it something awful. So for the rest of the day, as I walked through Paris, I had to constantly pull my jeans up. Not easy to do when you’re wearing a raincoat that’s tied at the waist. Well, easy enough but definitely not the French Chic I was going for. I was cold. I looked like a chien mouillé. I was miserable.

By day two, I was prepared. The jeans were painfully constricted into the boots, and I had layered every sweater I had brought under the tight- fitted raincoat. The choice being to be ridiculously sausaged or frozen solid, I chose what they call in France the ‘saucisse’ look.

Because they don’t make windshield wipers for eyeglasses, ( had forgotten all about glasses and rain!) I bought a cheap umbrella at Monoprix. It was too cheap. It did not even last the week, what with being overturned by a new violent gust of wind every minute or so. My hair, which is used to the zero percent humidity of Southern California regressed to its primordial kink.

And here you have it; my attempt at looking dignified and fashionable in Paris, the wishful before and the unfortunately after.

Things got better, much better from there (though the weather continued to suck) and I'll post images in the next few days. If I can remember my password next time.

Cool: Okay people! A giveaway of Hidden in Paris is in progress on Bookin' with Bingo, as well as a fun interview. Thank you so much Karen! When I checked this morning there were about 130 entries but you can enter more than once, so this might be achance to win a free copy of the book (the paper version, none of that e-stuff no siree..)

Uncool: We have a bad flea problem--YES, STILL!--, which means that I have a flea problem because those raskals love me as much as they love the dog, or even more. I am bitten to death. As I type this I have both feet on my desk and belive me when I say it's not a very comfortable writing position. I resorted to moving about the house parkour style, by hopping from one piece of furniture to another.

We are trying to solve this crisis without poison. We, here, means my husband who ignores my pleas for DDT or setting the house on fire and instead ordered 10 MILLION nematodes online.

Nematodes, as I have learned, are beneficial (we hope) larvas that kill fleas in the garden by... wait for it, this is exciting: entering the fleas' butt hole and proliferating once inside.

I was on pins and needles awaiting what I imagined to be a dumptruck, or at least a huge bag filled with crawling white larvas the size of twikies. Instead the ten million little fellows came inside a tiny envelope and in the form of a dog biscuit. Even after they were diluted in water they looked like nothing at all.

This was quite the anticlimatic nematode experience.

The next few days will tell us if the nematodes make a dent.

If the flea nematodes do not help we're going to need marriage counseling. Or else I'm tempted to buy ten million husband nematodes and watch what happens next.

October 22, 2010

Thank you Isabelle (vie her friend Ludo) for making me laugh this morning:

Here is how it goes:

"The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

October 15, 2010

Did anyone watch the new show Real Wives of Beverly Hills? The word 'real' was never used more loosely. The Barbie clothes, the botox, the plastic houses, the boobies, the incredible spending and earning, oh my! I could not peel my eyes off the screen (hint, by the end of the show I still could not tell some of the women apart).

Real Wives of New York was my guilty pleasure because I eat up everything Bethenny Frankel says ( i wish she were my real life girlfriend) but now I think i will have to expand my crap-watching time to yet another show.

August 25, 2010

This was my favorite shirt. Paired with the turtleneck it seemed like a good idea at the time (and to my defense, those were the seventies. Look, George is wearing a turtleneck too.)

For the record, that haircut ruined my life. I was 11 and my hair was my only exterior sign of femininity. Idiots asked of I was a boy or a girl. I haven't dared cut my hair since. And look at those chicklet teeth :)

When I first started blogging there was a fun meme going around where bloggers posted pictures of themselves as kids. Now that i've shown you my worst, who wants to play? You post a picture of yourself as a kid on your blog (and tell us a bit about you then) and tag new bloggers. I tag:

July 15, 2010

I'm not clear on the source, but this was sent to my (Jewish) husband by his (jewish) lawyer today.

"In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22.The following response is an open letter to Dr. Lauraposted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

July 13, 2010

3 meals a day all summer,visitors galore, kids materializing at the house at all hour, usually hungry. Summer and vacations are not synonymous for us professional housewives. I need to get myself one of those: (via web urbanist)

February 13, 2010

That's the title of an article written by Mark Morford about... about.. well, i let you discover for yourself because it's so perfectly said that it would be wrong to paraphrase.

As to what's going on in he U.S. political world right now, I rather not look. It is nasty, it is painful and it is DUMB. Have we gone mad? Look at the media. No, on second thought: don't look!

And when I hear my democrat friends parrot fox News I want to bang my head against a wall. I was debating the other day wether or not I still should call myself a democrat. But I could not possibly. I'm too progressive. I'm too smart.

I have to remind myself to chill. I'm only in the passenger seat. I can freak out, close my eyes, and thanks the heavens that Obama is the designated driver.

On a more positive note: It's nice that there still are people (in Europe, maybe not here) who are not entirely jaded and who believe there are solutions:

February 24, 2009

My addiction to politics has reentered through the back door. I reduced my huffington Post to twice a day, meanwhile I caught myself checking Andrew Sullivan ten times a day. At least I realized it before it was too late. Starting tomorrow I'm on a twice a day regimen of him too.

But being addicted to blogs is so worth it! Here, try to keep your eyes off this cutie pie.

October 06, 2008

Update: he, he, the laugh is on me. I am so naiiiive! This is not the real nobel prize as noted by one astute reader named Joann, but the lg nobel prize, which rewards oddball science.

The good news is that none of you count on me for actual fact. Here is the original post

I never thought I would get a nobel prize before, but now it seems entirely within my reach. And yours. I'm baffled by what gets you a noble prize these days. Seriously. Apparently all one must do is think up a crazy idea no one gives a rat's ass about, and then devise a method to prove that one is right.

Look at this article in the L.A. Times. Prove that coca cola is a spermicide, bang, you're a nobel prize winner. In the old days such discovery would have gotten you an A at the science fair. Another prize winner proved that women at their most fertile time of the month are more attractive to men by counting the tips of exotic dancers. I kid you not. (Then they disinfected the bills with coke. Just kidding)

Here is an excerpt of the article describing what was Nobel Prize worthy this year:

"Archaeology: Astolfo Gomes de Mello Araujo and Jose Carlos Marcelino of the University of Sao Paulo in Brazil for showing that armadillos can scramble the contents of an archaeological dig.

Biology: Marie-Christine Cadiergues, Christel Joubert and Michel Franc of the National Veterinary College of Toulouse in France for discovering that fleas that live on a dog can jump higher than fleas that live on a cat.

Cognitive science: Toshiyuki Nakagaki of Hokkaido University in Japan and colleagues for discovering that slime molds can solve puzzles.

Medicine: Dan Ariely of Duke University for demonstrating that expensive fake medicine is more effective than cheap fake medicine.

Peace: The Swiss Federal Ethics Committee on Non-Human Biotechnology and the citizens of Switzerland for adopting the legal principle that plants have dignity.

Physics: Dorian Raymer of the Scripps Institution of Oceanography in San Diego and Douglas Smith of UC San Diego for proving that heaps of string or hair inevitably tangle."

Okay, that's it. I am convinced. I'm setting to work on my Nobel prize TODAY. I will try to scientifically prove that the laundry hamper WILL ACTUALLY overflow when you omit to do your washing for an entire week-end.

April 01, 2008

February 20, 2008

Sometimes it is better to leave well enough alone. The idea was to revisit the series of pictures taken by Bert Stern 46 years ago. Hmmm. Raté like we say in France.

No amount of booze can make Lindsay look less than her fresh, gorgeous, 22 year old self, Marilyn Monroe was a goddess. But what to make of these pictures, then? Am I the only one who thinks that Cate Blanchett looked hotter as Bob Dylan?
I blame the photographer.

I spy, with my little eye.. a tail?

The prop department mistakenly brought a Andy Warhol wig. The wig's the silent killer I think.

Okay this one's not so bad.

But this one's awful of you ask me. First the original shot.

and the remake.
No dolphins were harmed in the making of this picture.

Look Ma! No lips.

Hot.

Not.

Now this is just plain wrong. Look at the wig-line. Come on, should I photoshop it out myself?

February 17, 2008

Mirror Mirror made me laugh today with her post instant contraception where she talked about the visit of friends and their three little kids and pondered on the ratio cute / versus / odious of other people’s children in general.

I don’t crave babies anymore. What I still crave are the pregnancies. Maybe it is all these years of infertility but I still long for a round belly, the anticipation, the dreams. If I were able to get pregnant on my own I’d probably do it every couple of years. Then go 'oopsy, doopsy! What do I do now?'

But God gives you what you can handle and made sure to give me a malfunctioning woumb.

Then Dooce posted this. Over six million viewers can’t get enough of this video, and neither can I. I watched it maybe ten times and laughed every time. I kinda could use a Charlie or two, but they'd need to come with the accent.