In the wake of Mitt Romney's electoral trouncing, his supporters have been threatening to move to even more socialist countries, like Canada and Australia. But, it now appears that science, of all things, has discovered just the right place for them. Astronomers announced today that they had discovered a 'Super-Earth' that may be capable of supporting human life.

In a hotly contested Congressional race in Georgia, Charles Darwin, the father of evolutionary thought, was unable to beat Republican Paul Broun. Darwin, well known for suggesting that men landed on earth after being deported from the Planet of the Apes, failed to unseat the incumbent, who campaigned on an anti-science platform, and at times refused to acknowledge that air existed, since he was unable to see it.

The destruction caused by Sandy is estimated to be in the range of $50 billion. Thousands have been left without a place to live, utilities, and other basic necessities. Yesterday, The New York Times revealed what is probably the most damaging aftereffect of the super storm yet: tight jeans. Terming the tragic condition the "Sandy Five", the Times went out into New York in search of people who had put on weight because of overeating during the storm and its aftermath.

When you went to Wal-Mart today, you probably could not help but notice that the store was sad. That is because on Tuesday Montana voters overwhelmingly voted to deprive them of their humanity. Initiative 166 was passed with 75% of the vote, and states that corporations are "not entitled to constitutional rights because they are not human beings." The initiative was on the ballot due to the United States Supreme Court's decision in Citizens United, which held that corporations are cuddly people just like you and me, and are entitled to drop limitless amounts of money into political campaigns.