In Breakthrough Dating's workshops and coaching sessions, founder Shira Teichman doesn't teach people how to win their date over or flirt irresistibly. She focuses on helping people feel empowered in their dating lives, and find clarity in a world that often causes people to doubt their own worth.

Teichman spoke to INSIDER about the most common pitfalls she sees her clients encounter, and how she gets them to a place of strength and self-awareness.

Focusing on how you're "performing"

A lot of dating advice focuses on how to market yourself to a potential partner.

"After getting this message drilled into our heads for long enough, we start to buy into this false belief that just being ourselves isn't good enough," Teichman said.

Instead of asking yourself how your date feels about you, stay present and consider how that person makes you feel about yourself.

"The more present you are on the date, the more you'll be able to naturally tune into the subtle and not-so-subtle clues that indicate whether or not the person you're dating will make a healthy or unhealthy partner," she said.

Misplacing priorities

People tend to place too much emphasis on qualities that are pretty much guaranteed to change over time, like appearance and income. Those things are important, but not the core of what makes a strong, lasting relationship.

"When it comes to compatibility, most people think personality is the most important thing to look out for, but that actually isn't true," she said. "It's shared goals and values that make the relationship last."

Ignoring red flags

Your gut is telling you something for a reason. Don't ignore signs that your date might be controlling, jealous, or angry.

"My rule of thumb is if you don't feel seen and heard in your relationship, it's a problem,"
she said. "If it doesn't feel like there's a balance of power in the relationship — like, one person is making all of the decisions and your needs and preferences are not part of the picture — that is also a recipe for disaster."

Making excuses for someone's behavior

If you express your needs to a potential partner and they read it as an attack on them for falling short, that's not you being critical — that's their own insecurities talking. If they make a real effort to change, it shows they value your happiness.

"Before committing to someone, be sure to make your needs known and then observe how your partner responds to your feedback," she said. "Healthy individuals, if made aware of how their behavior is hurting or upsetting you (as long as it's done in a non-critical way), will respond positively, and you will notice their efforts to change their behavior. If they want the relationship to last, healthy partners will want to make you happy — and vice-versa."

Thinking chemistry equals compatibility

Just because the sparks are flying doesn't mean that you're soul mates — or even remotely good for each other. Chemistry can be misleading at best, and a smokescreen for deeper issues at worst.

"Many personality disorders — like narcissism, for example — can be difficult to detect because they're frequently packaged in the sparkly, attractive exterior of charm and charisma," she said.

Devaluing friendship

Who says friendship has to make relationships awkward?

Teichman recommends reading works by Dr. John Gottman, an author and psychologist who has conducted 40 years of research about marital stability and relationship analysis. He writes that long-term vitality is maintained through moments of friendship in a relationship.
The same way you and your friends have fun together and are genuinely interested in each other's lives, you and your partner should, too.

Feeling like a spectator

Ultimately, Teichman wants to help people break through whatever is holding them back from a fulfilling relationship.

"To date successfully, you can't just go through the motions of dating without being present in mind, body and spirit," she said. "It's dating in the moment, with a keen awareness of what's going on emotionally between you and your date, that leads to the clarity we all want."