So MotherL will occasionally be peeved at her daughter and LadyL will occasionally be peeved at her mom. Neither one of these things makes them horrible people. It just makes them human.

I think the issue for me isn't that LadyL doesn't check her voicemails. It's that she doesn't NEED to check her voicemail to see that she received a call and from whom, but she decides that in order for the message leaver to get a return call, they need to go out of their way to further indicate they wanted to get in touch with LadyL. How is seeing that missed call and message indicator any different from a text that says "call me"?

This.

LadyL, if one of the voice-to-text services won't work for you for whatever reason, can you just start mentally translating "Missed Call: Mom" to "Call me"? If that's what you know she means?

If I see a missed call, I usually just call back instead of checking my voice mails (most people don't leave them anyways). But a parent? Yeah, that is a call right back, although because of my dad's illness I am a little more pro active but there were times I didn't call back right away. I think you should have called back as soon as you noticed she called, but also have a talk with her that you don't like dealing with voice mail and can she text you.

So MotherL will occasionally be peeved at her daughter and LadyL will occasionally be peeved at her mom. Neither one of these things makes them horrible people. It just makes them human.

I think the issue for me isn't that LadyL doesn't check her voicemails. It's that she doesn't NEED to check her voicemail to see that she received a call and from whom, but she decides that in order for the message leaver to get a return call, they need to go out of their way to further indicate they wanted to get in touch with LadyL. How is seeing that missed call and message indicator any different from a text that says "call me"?

This.

LadyL, if one of the voice-to-text services won't work for you for whatever reason, can you just start mentally translating "Missed Call: Mom" to "Call me"? If that's what you know she means?

I agree with this, as well. Not checking VM in and of itself isn't rude, but I can't see a good reason for you to see the missed call and not get in contact with her.

I agree with most answers, but I also think this is just a communication fail. With someone like your mother, it seems to me prevention is the best cure. In other words, "Mom, since you don't use text/email and I don't like voice mail, what system should we use to differentiate between a "how are you" communication vs "I have something urgent to pass on"?

It could be something as simple as two quick calls in a row.

I just thing with a mom or close family member you'd want to do this rather than go trial by error.

One way to know it is urgent would be to listen to tje message. Mom shouldn't have to make a half dozen calls to be taken seriously.

I'm w/ Sharnita!

I don't think it's at all fair to say, "You didn't call me repeatedly--how was I to know that it was important?"

That's not what I was saying (I don't know that this is directed at me, but I did kind of imply that even though I didn't mean to). If it was important to the mom enough that she would get so upset about it afterwards, then she should have called at least once more a few days before to see if OP was going to go. She didn't call at least once more and thus, to me, it obviously wasn't that important to her that OP go. If it's so easy for OP to listen to her voicemail, it is just as easy for mom to call again. If she wants it to happen, she needs to be proactive about it happening. Otherwise, she needs to accept that she won't always get what she wants by leaving a voicemail.

OP has accepted that by not immediately checking her voicemail she may be missing out on things; her mom hasn't accepted that if she wants OP to attend things, she needs to not leave just a voicemail. They need to meet halfway and I don't think the mom is going to budge.

I do not agree, if a person calls and leaves you a message and you see the message and chose not to answer it. they should not have to keep calling you back, because you can't be bothered

I respectfully disagree. I've been in plenty of places and had plenty of situations where I see I missed a call but forgot about it because of how busy things were. It happens. Even if I DID check the VM, I could easily have forgotten about it.

I've also had several phones and friends with phones that don't necessarily show VM notifications right away. Or at all. Or show missed calls. I've called my sister and left her VM to come take me to the ER because I was ill and couldn't afford an ambulance ride. I had to call her back five minutes later, and she never received the first call, her phone didn't show a missed call, and she didn't get the VM until two days later. It happens frequently.

OP's mom had no way of knowing if she got the message in the first place. If it was so important to her that she was willing to be upset about it later, it would be easy to call back the next day, or two days later, to check up on it.

She was, in essence, waiting for a response to an RSVP request, whether or not OP was going to be at dinner. She didn't get a response. It's still on her to follow up with it to see if OP was going to be at the dinner. I don't see how that's unreasonable at all.

One way to know it is urgent would be to listen to tje message. Mom shouldn't have to make a half dozen calls to be taken seriously.

I'm w/ Sharnita!

I don't think it's at all fair to say, "You didn't call me repeatedly--how was I to know that it was important?"

That's not what I was saying (I don't know that this is directed at me, but I did kind of imply that even though I didn't mean to). If it was important to the mom enough that she would get so upset about it afterwards, then she should have called at least once more a few days before to see if OP was going to go. She didn't call at least once more and thus, to me, it obviously wasn't that important to her that OP go. If it's so easy for OP to listen to her voicemail, it is just as easy for mom to call again. If she wants it to happen, she needs to be proactive about it happening. Otherwise, she needs to accept that she won't always get what she wants by leaving a voicemail.

OP has accepted that by not immediately checking her voicemail she may be missing out on things; her mom hasn't accepted that if she wants OP to attend things, she needs to not leave just a voicemail. They need to meet halfway and I don't think the mom is going to budge.

I do not agree, if a person calls and leaves you a message and you see the message and chose not to answer it. they should not have to keep calling you back, because you can't be bothered

I respectfully disagree. I've been in plenty of places and had plenty of situations where I see I missed a call but forgot about it because of how busy things were. It happens. Even if I DID check the VM, I could easily have forgotten about it.

I've also had several phones and friends with phones that don't necessarily show VM notifications right away. Or at all. Or show missed calls. I've called my sister and left her VM to come take me to the ER because I was ill and couldn't afford an ambulance ride. I had to call her back five minutes later, and she never received the first call, her phone didn't show a missed call, and she didn't get the VM until two days later. It happens frequently.

OP's mom had no way of knowing if she got the message in the first place. If it was so important to her that she was willing to be upset about it later, it would be easy to call back the next day, or two days later, to check up on it.

She was, in essence, waiting for a response to an RSVP request, whether or not OP was going to be at dinner. She didn't get a response. It's still on her to follow up with it to see if OP was going to be at the dinner. I don't see how that's unreasonable at all.

I could have forgotten about it, too, because I'm human and I make mistakes. That doesn't make me a horrible person, but it doesn't make it anyone else's fault either.

Logged

How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these. -George Washington Carver

If you can't find a mutually acceptable method of communication, there will be less (or no) communication. The price of that is, at minimum, that you get less information; it may mean missing events because you don't hear about them, or people being annoyed that you didn't either come to something or let them know you wouldn't.

I tend to cut more slack for people who *can't* use a particular method of communication. If someone has carpal tunnel or bad arthritis, I'm not going to insist that they use a text-based communications method. Conversely, my mother and I communicate mostly by email and online chat, because she has a hearing impairment and the hearing aid and telephone don't work well together.

But if you're willing and able to talk on the phone, but dislike voicemail, your best bet is to leave an outgoing voicemail message that says something like "Hello, this is LadyL. I don't listen to my voicemail very often, but if I recognize your number I will call you back." And then maybe check for messages if there's a missed call from a number you don't recognize.

This assumes that most people would be okay with "Hi, this is LadyL. I saw you called. What's up?" even if they'd left a message that had the basic news/question in it. It's not perfect, but it might work for meeting each other halfway.

Logged

Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.

She was, in essence, waiting for a response to an RSVP request, whether or not OP was going to be at dinner. She didn't get a response. It's still on her to follow up with it to see if OP was going to be at the dinner. I don't see how that's unreasonable at all.

Not necessarily. The message could have been "Hey, Party for Uncle Bob at 7pm on Tuesday at Mac's Bar. See you there!"

That's not an RSVP request. There would be no need for follow up on a message like that.

One way to know it is urgent would be to listen to tje message. Mom shouldn't have to make a half dozen calls to be taken seriously.

I'm w/ Sharnita!

I don't think it's at all fair to say, "You didn't call me repeatedly--how was I to know that it was important?"

That's not what I was saying (I don't know that this is directed at me, but I did kind of imply that even though I didn't mean to). If it was important to the mom enough that she would get so upset about it afterwards, then she should have called at least once more a few days before to see if OP was going to go. She didn't call at least once more and thus, to me, it obviously wasn't that important to her that OP go. If it's so easy for OP to listen to her voicemail, it is just as easy for mom to call again. If she wants it to happen, she needs to be proactive about it happening. Otherwise, she needs to accept that she won't always get what she wants by leaving a voicemail.

OP has accepted that by not immediately checking her voicemail she may be missing out on things; her mom hasn't accepted that if she wants OP to attend things, she needs to not leave just a voicemail. They need to meet halfway and I don't think the mom is going to budge.

I do not agree, if a person calls and leaves you a message and you see the message and chose not to answer it. they should not have to keep calling you back, because you can't be bothered

I respectfully disagree. I've been in plenty of places and had plenty of situations where I see I missed a call but forgot about it because of how busy things were. It happens. Even if I DID check the VM, I could easily have forgotten about it.

I've also had several phones and friends with phones that don't necessarily show VM notifications right away. Or at all. Or show missed calls. I've called my sister and left her VM to come take me to the ER because I was ill and couldn't afford an ambulance ride. I had to call her back five minutes later, and she never received the first call, her phone didn't show a missed call, and she didn't get the VM until two days later. It happens frequently.

OP's mom had no way of knowing if she got the message in the first place. If it was so important to her that she was willing to be upset about it later, it would be easy to call back the next day, or two days later, to check up on it.

She was, in essence, waiting for a response to an RSVP request, whether or not OP was going to be at dinner. She didn't get a response. It's still on her to follow up with it to see if OP was going to be at the dinner. I don't see how that's unreasonable at all.

What ifs are nice but that isn't what's gong on here she saw bith the missed call and the message and chose not to answer it. If it wan an immediate need I could see the person calling back such as the ER thing in your case, but I do think that it's unreasonable to expect people to have to constantly call you back because you can't be bothered to call them when you have seen that they called you.

The more I think of it, the more what you're saying sounds like you think your time is more valuable than your mother's. You can't take 2 minutes to return a call (since you saw it was her) or listen to a voicemail, but you expect her to drop everything to get in contact with you multiple times in order to be able to talk to you.

Additionally, you're not going to bother to get in contact with her unless it's important enough that she has to call you more than once - that's kind of devaluing her, too.

I don't think you can dictate how others use their phones. You are more than entitled not to use your VM. You're more than entitled not to call her back. But, I think you should examine what message you're leaving for her when you do things like this.

I think this is uncharitable. The precedent set by my mother is that the once a week calls and messages are just to check in and chat, and I usually return them up to a week later. In other circumstances, like when she is confirming specific plans, we will often talk 2-3 times in advance of the plans to confirm details. Multiple attempts at contact are my usual signal that it's not a status quo phone call to say hello. She didn't do that this time, so I didn't have my usual clue that there was something time sensitive she needed info on. I'm sorry if I wasn't clearer on this point. I do take full responsibility for not checking the message and am not mad at missing the dinner - honestly after such a crazy week and still having stomach issues the day it happened, I probably would have declined anyhow. My question was more about whether her expectations were reasonable or if there was etiquette of returning calls based on voice mail that I had violated, necessitating an apology.

I would certainly hope that if someone was in the hospital or there was another kind of emergency, I would get more than one call about it if they didn't reach me the first time. If it were me, and I had any sort of important info to convey, I would call repeatedly until I made contact or received a reply. I realize that others feel differently and there's probably no right or wrong, but this is just how I tend to approach things.

LadyL saw she had a voice mail and miss call. She was aware of it and did not forget. She simply decided not to respond.

Well, to be fair, she did respond. It was just too late to attend the event for Uncle. With a week of 12 hr days and an illness, I can see not wanting to make time for chit chat with mom. I never call my parents back when I'm on trial - I can't handle anything more than my job during those times. I call back when I can, which could be a day or 5 later.

That may be the precedent you've set, LadyL, but it sounds like your mom wants more immediate contact. Do you two have a rocky relationship or some backstory that makes you feel it's not a reasonable thing to return her calls within, say, 48 hours?

I think this is uncharitable. The precedent set by my mother is that the once a week calls and messages are just to check in and chat, and I usually return them up to a week later. In other circumstances, like when she is confirming specific plans, we will often talk 2-3 times in advance of the plans to confirm details. Multiple attempts at contact are my usual signal that it's not a status quo phone call to say hello. She didn't do that this time, so I didn't have my usual clue that there was something time sensitive she needed info on. I'm sorry if I wasn't clearer on this point. I do take full responsibility for not checking the message and am not mad at missing the dinner - honestly after such a crazy week and still having stomach issues the day it happened, I probably would have declined anyhow. My question was more about whether her expectations were reasonable or if there was etiquette of returning calls based on voice mail that I had violated, necessitating an apology.

I would certainly hope that if someone was in the hospital or there was another kind of emergency, I would get more than one call about it if they didn't reach me the first time. If it were me, and I had any sort of important info to convey, I would call repeatedly until I made contact or received a reply. I realize that others feel differently and there's probably no right or wrong, but this is just how I tend to approach things.

Perhaps it's a precedent that your mother is no longer willing to play along with.