Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

"A practical guide to surviving Jedi, Clone Troopers, Sith Lords and other wickedly dangerous bastards while trekking across a galaxy far, far away." By someone who wishes he'd stayed in bed this morning.

Chapter One If it's living you love, avoid your own destruction by listening to these simple bits of wisdom.

1) When dealing with rampaging Jedi (especially after you've recently been stupidly coerced into slaughtering a few of their closest friends), stand behind tables! The longer the better.

These ancient artifacts and their accompanying chairs of mystical power act as impassable barriers. Even savvy Jedi will be hard-pressed to navigate around their invisible and quite impenetrable force fields, so keep one between you and them at all times.

If a table is unavailable for whatever reason, make for the nearest computer console or similarly boxy obstruction. It's all the same.

2) The universe is filled with an inordinate amount of ray shields. Every building, starship and state park is littered with a variety of inexplicably placed ray shields. So put your "Boy, I sure do love me some ray shields" face on and make the best of it.

Most of these annoyances can be overcome rather simply by severing a few giant power cords in adjacent rooms, but some require an arbitrary amount of people to be killed before they dissipate. It's a sort of universal law, apparently.

3) Ray shields hate you, but love everyone else. Of particular frustration to most galactic adventurers is the way in which the average ray shield seems perfectly capable of preventing you from passing through it, but perfectly incapable of stopping a droid from standing half in its tingling wall and continually firing at you through its revolutionary one-way energy field.

The best way of dealing with such situations is to stand around screaming and violently waving your arms in the air until someone nice takes care of the problem for you.

Blue Push

4) Most the time your galactic trip will be depicted from the vantage point of a certifiable idiot. That is, you will clearly be the focus of attention and yet the actual action will always be just out of focus. It'll hover there on the periphery, poised to leap into the fray just as soon as it becomes impossible for you to defend against it.

To better illustrate this point, imagine the universe you know as being a sphere roughly 10 meters in diameter. Beyond this sphere is the absolute black of nothingness, and yet laser beams and blasts still come flying through uninvited. Surprise!

5) When fighting, don't ever alternate your swings or chain more than four hits together, ever. This rule is similar to the Triangle, Triangle, Triangle or Y, Y, Y rule. It basically states that if you come into possession of a lightsaber (which you instantly will), don't bother alternating attack patterns, just do the same mind-bleeding thing over and over until the sweet release of death sets in. Only, be sure not to accidentally extend the Triangle, Triangle, Triangle "combo" by even one Triangle, for that will leave you vulnerable to counterattack.

6) Contrary to popular belief, Jedi Knights are not warriors, they're dancers in training who are quick to demonstrate their flamboyant talent by performing complex choreographed feats with one another.