Dear V: My boyfriend wants a seaside sexcapade…

V,

My boyfriend is trying to convince me to have sex at the beach. I hate the beach because of the nasty salt water, the uncomfortable and grainy sand, and the possibility of getting stung by a jellyfish. He says that it’s romantic and will spice up our sex lives. What should I do? How should I break it to him?

Lofty Land Lubber

Reluctant Bottom Dweller,

I am glad to know that you are familiar with the side effects of sex at the beach. There is nothing more unappealing and troubling than a love-box becoming a sandbox.

While I’m as liberal as they come (I voted for the Green Party candidate), I am slightly conservative about my love-making environments. Stick to the rule of three: all the rooms of your house, bathrooms at clubs and the occasional adventure in the library stacks. They offer a level of privacy, where people can still find you, and secure areas like desks and tables to control awkward positions and intense bouts of passion.

But if you’re sold on your beau and want to make his sandy dreams come true, then consider these possibilities about this tradition.

Take a towel to limit the sand that can get mixed up in the sexy-time fray. He won’t have much to worry about because male anatomy can be cleaned with minimal effort. You’ll have to take precautions. The wind may be blowing toward the south of your equator. Your boyfriend may accidently kick sand somewhere.

And even a secluded beach will not provide complete privacy. There are critters that will not be satisfied with two noisy and sexually-charged humans romping around their home. You may encounter insects that are difficult to see; birds that want a third lunch with the sandwiches you’ve brought; and if the action takes you to the shore, be prepared for the ocean’s most feared leviathan: the jellyfish.

You’ll have to pee on each other, and make it a sequel to that episode on “Friends” where Joey, Chandler and Monica end up emotionally scarred.

While I hate this idea, your boyfriend might be right. Spicing up a long relationship needs this spontaneity. The best advice I can offer you is to switch up the positions. Try getting on top, this should minimize the amount of sand that could get in your lady parts, and even if it fails, you can chalk it up to experience and say you’ve tried something new. A moonlight encounter at Nikki Beach could be romantic … mull that over.

If you’re dissatisfied with the beach sex, then at least you have a new story to tell, or blackmail for not having to have sex in the next couple of weeks.

Try to ignore the sunburn on your ass when you’re thinking about the bright side.

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