What You Should Know About Dating a Domestic Abuse Survivor

As a survivor of nearly eighteen years of violence and emotional abuse, the pain and anxiety caused by trauma has often felt more to me like getting a haircut — recurring experiences I go through over and over, because the emotional after-effects are ever-lasting. I’ve experienced my fair share of feeling like I’m trapped, or that I will never be worthy of love.

Although I no longer have contact with and am physically far away from the person who put me through the abuse, I’ve been left with many triggers and fears. And these symptoms are not unique to me. Speaking with fellow survivors has helped me realize that in some ways, my own trauma and grief is here to stay for good. I am almost certain I may always experience PTSD, depression, and anxiety. But I also know that I am enough, and I am not alone, no matter how much it might feel like the opposite is true.

To find out exactly what friends and loved ones can do to help, I spoke with fellow survivors, friends and partners of survivors, counselors, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapists to put together this guide. It turns out, there are many ways to ease the blow of trauma, according to the survivors and experts Teen Vogue spoke with.

Survivors of violence or abuse need validation.

One of the most important things you can do for survivors is let them know that it's okay to be having a hard time and to need to take the space to heal, according to Alicia Raimundo, an online mental health counselor. “I would tell people to ask the person what would be most helpful for them right now and do that thing. Let them know you are here to listen to them, validate them and support them,” says Raimundo.

Many survivors of violence and abuse experience extreme fears stemming from past abuse, which can lead to what’s known as catastrophic thinking, defined as obsessively ruminating over worst-case outcomes. The first step to combatting that, according to Dr. Lindsay Gerber, PsyD, Licensed Clinical Psychologist at the Mount Sinai Adolescent Health Center, is to recognize when we are engaging in catastrophic thinking. Dr. Gerber says that one tip she encourages her patients to use is to ask themselves, “What would you tell your best friend if he/she/they were in this situation?”

Sometimes, listening or being there is all you can do in the moment.

Offering support to a survivor can involve being receptive and nonjudgmental about whatever symptoms of trauma might be present, and listening to whatever they’re talking about and responding nonjudgmentally as well. Be careful about asking too many questions, or trying to give hugs, or touches, which could cause the survivor to feel afraid and be counter-productive, according to Dr. Doug Miller, PhD, Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Forensic Trauma Expert.

Experiencing trauma can feel completely isolating. Nearly every single survivor who talked with Teen Vogue expressed feeling alone, trapped, or isolated, which are typical responses to abuse, according to Dr. Doug Miller.

Ben, a 26-year-old survivor of parental abuse says the people who have been most helpful to them are the ones who “truly listen with the intent to hear and center you and your experience rather than trying to wall themselves off from it by throwing out platitudes or trying to find what you must have done or what it is about you that ‘made’ this happen to you.”

Others, like Samantha, who is 18 and whose best friend is a survivor of emotional and sexual abuse, explained that listening to a survivor is key. “Some people want advice or insight on what they’re feeling or doing. Others just want a space to vent. Others still may not want to talk about it, and may just want a friend to take their mind off it,” Samantha says.

Advertisement

A survivor may experience triggers, which is different than being upset.

Many survivors may have triggers due to anxiety, depression, PTSD, or trauma in general, but not everything that upsets someone is a trigger. According to Elicia Miller, Founder of Core Emotional Healing, it’s important to distinguish the difference between having a traumatic trigger and feeling upset. An emotional trigger means that something or someone has reminded a survivor of trauma from their past that is unresolved. Triggers cause charged emotional responses, where survivors of abuse may feel altered, may get extremely angry, cry, or withdraw and dissociate. Feeling simply upset, which is still valid, is different than a trauma response.

Some survivors may have repressed the trauma and may be triggered by something but not know that what they’re experiencing is a traumatic trigger. And even if someone doesn’t experience moments that make them feel overwhelmingly retraumatized, that doesn’t mean they’re not dealing with a great deal of stress or an extra emotional or physical burden on a daily basis.

Rachel, a 26-year-old survivor of interpersonal relationship violence, said that for a while, she didn’t have any triggers at all because she had repressed everything. “I started sweating and my head started spinning so I left the room,” she says of the first time she experienced a trigger. Since then, she’s become aware of other triggers, and how to work through them to calm down and feel safe.

While it’s possible to help someone who is a survivor of abuse work through trauma responses, seeking professional support for them is the best way to get to the source of a specific trigger and begin to heal and feel safe.

Stefani Goerlich, LCSW, a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist, says that one of her favorite techniques to combat trauma responses is called the 5-4-3-2-1. The exercise entails looking for five things you can see in the area around you, things as simple as ‘I see a leaf on the ground.’ Then, you identify four things you can touch, listen for three things you can hear in the outside world, two things you can smell, and one positive affirmation for yourself. This exercise helps you to be present, and feel grounded.

Check in with the survivor frequently enough to help, but not so often that they are re-traumatized or don’t have room to heal.

There’s a distinction between being supportive and smothering a survivor with attention. One 22-year-old woman, who chose to remain anonymous and is a survivor of parental abuse, says that the most important thing her fiancé has been able to do to help her feel safe and loved is give her personal space. She says he’s been so supportive in her recovery, and that he always asks permission to hold her hand, give her a hug or even touch her gently in a small way. “These small acts of physical touch could be so triggering, and that level of control that he allows me to have is beyond helpful.”

Some survivors may know and ask for those specific things you can do to help them. Wren, a 24-year-old woman, has experience with helping her best friend from high school cope with the trauma of an abusive relationship. Although it’s been years since the abuse, her best friend still sometimes meets people on dating apps or in social situations who look or sound like her abuser. When she’s triggered, Wren says she’s gotten calls from a bathroom stall at a restaurant, and come to get her.

“Whatever she needs, I'll drop everything however much I can to make sure she know her feelings and concerns and memories are valid, and real,” Wren says. “It's not about you, it's about them, and loving them, supporting them in creating the relationships and experiences they want and need and deserve.”

Advertisement

How often you should check in with the person will vary, according to Dr. Doug Miller. However, it becomes easier to know when you might want to check in if you pay close attention to their emotional responses.

It’s still important to set boundaries to help cultivate a truly healthy relationship.

When it comes to being a loving partner or friend, Goerlich says it’s often best to “follow the survivor’s lead,” because someone who has survived a trauma has had their sense of control stripped from them.

Samantha says that she’s learned that when you care about someone it’s easy to bite off more than you can chew because you want the people you love to be okay, however, “you can’t love away abuse, trauma and mental illness. And if you’re not a mental health professional, you’re probably not equipped to solve it yourself.”

Trying to ensure that the survivor has other systems of support in place, which can include a therapist, hotlines to call, a guidance counselor at school, or another professional wherever you are, is so important.

Some survivors are learning how to create healthy relationships and identify what they need from scratch.

“An enormous part of why it was so difficult for me to create healthy relationships after the abuse is that I always believed I deserved to be treated poorly,” says Molly, a 24-year-old woman who is survivor of intimate partner sexual violence. “I couldn’t see anything better for myself. It completely destroyed my sense of trust and self-worth. I confused love with abuse for a very long time.”

Many of the survivors who spoke with me shared similar sentiments about how difficult it is for them to develop healthy friendships and relationships because they don’t know what their standards for respect and boundaries should be. That’s why having patience with a survivor is key.

Because everyone is different and processes trauma in their own way, some people will want to move back into their normal lives and routines quickly, according to Goerlich, because returning to normalcy is a part of how they cope. Others may discover that "normal" no longer exists, and that they need to create an entirely new way of living.

One 23-year-old woman, Lucy, who identifies as a survivor of emotional and sexual abuse, says that the biggest thing her friends have done is simply allow her to talk about the trauma at her own pace. “I feel shame both from experiencing the violence and from being silent about it. But because my friends let me talk about it at a pace that feels right for me, I'm able to rid myself of some of the shame I carry on both ends,” she says.

A survivor might have heightened sensitivity surrounding arguments or disagreements.

Speaking with survivors, it became clear that a common trend is for survivors of violence or abuse to feel disoriented or triggered by disagreements or arguments, which is why being patient can be so necessary. Erin, a 25-year-old woman who is a survivor of intimate partner violence says that due to past abuse, she tends to think everything is her fault, might completely fold over in the midst of an argument.

Something that's most helpful to Erin is her mom's “unrelenting honesty.” She says that even though she's always been that way, the fierce honesty she knows she can expect from her has been especially healing since her experiences with abuse.

“I'll call her about some incident that happened in my relationship or at work, and I ask, ‘Did I do something wrong? Am I right to feel awful about this?’ If I really am in the wrong, she'll tell me. And if I'm beating myself up over something that I shouldn't be, she'll tell me that too. I trust her to look at things with a fair perspective, which is something I haven't figured out how to do yet,” Erin says.

Advertisement

Every trauma is unique and every survivor will respond differently.

As a support person, it can be incredibly difficult to watch a loved one recover from a traumatic experience, but that’s why it’s all the more important to separate how you feel and how you would react in a given situation that might be different from how they’re reacting. “There is no right or wrong way to experience trauma,” Goerlich says.

The only time it’s appropriate to get involved with or change how a survivor is reacting is if you see them turn to unhealthy or dangerous coping mechanisms like self-medication, self-harm, or abusing alcohol or drugs. However, it’s important not to judge them.

Ultimately, surviving abuse and living with the aftereffects can be harrowing. Support and friendship can make a world a difference, and hearing validating things like “I believe you,” “You are safe,” and “I am here for you,” especially when these statements are followed up with actions, can be a huge help. While it’s true that no one person can help someone on their journey to healing from domestic violence or abuse, it’s also true that every little bit counts.