About this Book

I was furious with her for not having told me that my grandfather had left home. He had told her and my mother that he was worried about my goodwill mission, about the inoculations at the Brejevina orphanage, and that he was coming down to help. But I couldnt berate my grandma without giving myself away, because she would have told me if she had known about his illness, which my grandfather and I had hidden from her. So I let her talk, and said nothing about how I had been with him at the Military Academy of Medicine three months before when he had found out, or how the oncologist, a lifelong colleague of my grandfathers, had shown him the scans and my grandfather had put his hat down on his knee and said, Fuck. You go looking for a gnat and you find a donkey.

I put two more coins into the slot, and the phone whirred. Sparrows were diving from the brick ledges of the bathroom walls, dropping into the puddles at my feet, shivering water over their backs. The sun outside had baked the early afternoon into stillness, and the hot, wet air stood in the room with me, shining in the doorway that led out to the road, where the cars at border control were packed in a tight line along the glazed tarmac. I could see our car, left side dented from a recent run-in with a tractor, and Zóra sitting in the drivers seat, door propped open, one long leg dragging along the ground, glances darting back toward the bathroom more and more often as she drew closer to the customs booth.

They called last night, my grandma was saying, her voice louder. And I thought, theyve made a mistake. I didnt want to call you until we were sure, to worry you in case it wasnt him. But your mother went down to the morgue this morning. She was quiet, and then: I dont understand, I dont understand any of it.

I dont either, Bako, I said.

He was going to meet you.

I didnt know about it.

Then the tone of her voice changed. She was suspicious, my grandma, of why I wasnt crying, why I wasnt hysterical. For the first ten minutes of our conversation, she had probably allowed herself to believe that my calm was the result of my being in a foreign hospital, on assignment, surrounded, perhaps, by colleagues. She would have challenged me a lot sooner if she had known that I was hiding in the border-stop bathroom so that Zóra wouldnt overhear.

She said, Havent you got anything to say?

I just dont know, Bako. Why would he lie about coming to see me?

You havent asked if it was an accident, she said. Why havent you asked that? Why havent you asked how he died?

I didnt even know he had left home, I said. I didnt know any of this was going on.

Youre not crying, she said.

Neither are you.

Your mother is heartbroken, she said to me. He must have known. They said he was very illso he must have known, he must have told someone. Was it you?

If he had known, he wouldnt have gone anywhere, I said, with what I hoped was conviction. He would have known better. There were white towels stacked neatly on a metal shelf above the mirror, and I wiped my face and neck with one, and then another, and the skin of my face and neck left gray smears on towel after towel until I had used up five. There was no laundry basket to put them in, so I left them in the sink. Where is this place where they found him? I said. How far did he go?

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