I had a good cry yesterday, in the car, on my way home from work. For whatever reason, that’s when the loss always hits me the hardest.

Maybe my eyes were puffy when I got home, but I didn’t say anything about anything. After bath and dinner, I was sitting on the couch with my little ones, watching Nemo, and my oldest says out of no where. “If you miss the baby, you shouldn’t have done what you done.” Did she see my puffy red eyes? Does she sense perpetual sadness? I don’t know.

This is the second time she has said something like that. This is the kind of statment that knocks the wind out of you. Of course, she doesn’t know what she’s saying. But it is clear that she is trying to process feelings about it. I am not really sure what she knows or understands, or really what’s been told to her about it. It that crazy haze leading up to the termination, I think I told her that mommy was very sick and the Doctor has to take the baby out. I remember her asking me, after the procedure, if when you take a baby out of your tummy too soon, does it go to heaven? I answered, “I hope so.”

I don’t know if it was age appropriate to tell her what we told her, and she hears a lot of what we say, and I should probably censor myself more around her, but I guess I don’t. I’m not real sure how to help her work out her feelings. If she has feelings that need to be worked out. Yesterday, I just told her, it’s more complicated than that. And even though you don’t mean to be it is hurtful to say that to mommy. And I was honest again by saying, Mommy wishes she didn’t do what she did. But Mommy was also very sick. I feel like I should have taken her into my arms and asked her how she felt about everything. But I think I was just shell shocked. I will maybe try to do that tonight.

She went back to watching Nemo after that.

I tried to look up children’s books on miscarriage (pregnancy loss) (I don’t think they make theraputic termination children’s books) but I don’t even know if I’m emotionally stable enough to order something like that and read it.

I cried last night again. It was, after all, her sister or her brother. She has a right to feel angry or hurt or confused about it too.

4 Responses to Children and Pregnancy Loss

My Mom waited until I was 37 and in the midst of HG hell to tell me that she had suffered numerous, severe HG pregnancies and one termination due to HG. I had already overheard “things” and suspected she had an abortion, but never knew why. Did she think that by not telling me, it would not happen to me? I admire you for being open with your daughter about what happened. She would have found out what happened to you at some point anyway and its better that she knows now. Knowledge is power. And if we are aware of something that has the potential to be genetic…… we can better prepare ourselves in the future.

Every family is different. When or even if to tell is a personal choice. My children don’t know yet, but I fully expect it to come out at some point. It is part of the abortion experience; it affects everyone. But with honesty and care we get through it together. We learn, and we survive. Hang in there. You are not alone.

As an Update: I asked my daughter if she wanted to talk about it and how she feels. She said she feels really mad. I asked her why. And She said, “because even though her brother bites her and is kind of mean to her, he is still really cute, especially when he was a baby.” I asked her if she was mad that she wasn’t going to have another baby, and she said “kind of” I told her it’s ok to feel mad. Mommy feels really mad too sometimes. Then her attention went elsewhere. I think it will be an ongoing conversation, as we all figure out ways to grieve and deal with this tragedy.

I think it’s really good that you are having this dialogue with your child. Since she is aware of the circumstances surrounding the loss, I think trying to silence her would have done more harm than good. This way you are getting through it together. The dialoguing won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.