How to be an Irish Politician

In Ireland politics has long been dominated by two basket case political parties called Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil. They have held power for the vast majority of the time since 1932 either on their own or in coalition. Basically, they will go into coalition with anyone as long as they get into power despite everything they might have said right up to yesterday. Standby for the Fianna Fail / Sinn Fein coalition government in the 32nd Dail.

Key Characteristics of an Irish Politician

All Irish politicians share the same characteristics which Irish people love forgiving them for and they are, in order of prevalence and willingness to forgive:

1. Be a Total Lying Cunt;2. Demonstrate Gross Negligence;3. Display a Shockingly Obvious Lack of Qualifications;4. Love Corruption;5. Engage in Cronyism;6. Subscribe to Nepotism7. Commit Expenses Fraud;8. Condone Tax Evasion on a Global Scale (Apple / Google / Microsoft) while at the same time be willing to jail your own constituents for not paying water charges, property tax, the TV licence or a parking fine;9. Lie under oath;10. A new characteristic has become very important since the peace process and is now very very popular namely be “convicted member of a paramilitary organization”. Fine Gael and Fianna Fail are rightly pissed off that Sinn Fein has the monopoly on this one.

Junior Coalition Partners Get Fucked

Another key lesson to be aware of is that outgoing junior coalition partners never fare well at the end of term and normally get all the “stick” for the “shite” that was caused since the last election, for example:

1. The Labour party standing by to be bitch slapped tomorrow like a Conor McGregor opponent;2. The now defunct Progressive Democrats (eradicated in 2007);3. The lovely Stalinists in the former Democratic Left (who in a novel take on sticking to their principles simply merged with the Labour Party in 1999 who were their sworn enemies the week before);4. Or the tree-huggers in the now extinct Green Party (last known sighting 2011).

Candidate Selection In Irish ElectionsIn Ireland, the following criteria are crucially important to the Irish electorate in selecting who to vote for:

1. Where’s the checkbox for Fianna Fail – fuck the policies, I hate Michael Collins?;2. Where’s the checkbox for Fine Gael – fuck the policies, I hate Eamon deValera?;3. Does he/she have the same surname as the last fella?;4. Was his/her Uncle in the “RA”?;5. Is he a massive culchie with fuck all qualifications but owns a farm with a milk quota?;6. Is he a massive culchie full stop?;

Rules for Creating a Political Dynasty in Ireland

There are three key criteria:

Do you wear a flat cap?

Do you have a very red face?

Do you have a very bad comb-over?

If you have all three your entire family may get elected – this is known as the “Healy Rae Effect”

A Very Very Short Memory

In the tragic comedy that was the decade from the mid 90s to the mid noughties Fianna Fail told Paddy’s to sell houses to other Paddy’s for ever increasing and extortionate prices.

They told the banks to loan monies to single digit IQ developers and property speculators. They created tax incentives that turned out to be the perfect “How To Create A Property Bubble For Dummies” guide book.

They told the regulators to mind their own bleedin’ business and just take the big salaries and not to be worryin’ about liquidity and LTV ratios and shite like that.

The Intellectual Giants We Elect

The Irish electorate as a result always gets exactly what it deserves.

The trademark intellect of me aul pal Bertie Ahern is one of the better examples. Having listened to highly qualified advisers on the looming disaster in 2007 he stated that:

“sittin’ on the sidelines, or on the fence, cribbin’ an’ moanin’ is a lost opportunity – in fact I don’t know how people who engage in that don’t commit suicide”

Bertie never liked using the letter ‘G” at the end of any of the words that required it – he also didn’t like fiscal policy, prudent management or regulation. He loved a pint though and going to watch the Dubs at Croker and sure what the fuck is wrong with that?

The Upside-Down Rule

Outgoing Prime Ministers in Ireland seem to get all worked up about the peons in the electorate when they complain. They are incredulous that after laying waste to the electorates lives over the previous four years that there may be some negativity in the air.

Under the Fianna Fail watch from the late 90’s up until 2011 :

1. A Property Bubble of epic proportions was created;2. Property prices crashed;3. The population was universally left in negative equity;4. Massive job losses ensued in the construction sector;5. There was massive emigration;6. Hundreds of ghost estates across the country;7. Rampant cuts to already poor public services;8. The banks insisted that their losses be covered by the electorate;9. For good measure so did the bond holders supported by the European troika, the tripartite committee led by the European Commission with the European Central Bank and the International Monetary Fund;10. The Irish peoples elected representatives bent over on behalf of the the Irish public;11. The Irish public got to pay for the bank’s losses, the bond holders losses, the elected representatives salaries, saw their salaries cut or stagnate, prices increase, taxes increase, their life savings wiped out, their homes mostly worthless and then …12. With the money that the banks received from the Irish public the banks started to pay lawyers to evict the Irish public from the homes which they could no longer pay for.

Under the Fine Gael / Labour watch:

1. The Irish public got to pay even more for the bank’s losses, the bond holders losses, the elected representatives salaries, saw their salaries further cut or stagnate, prices increase further, further tax increases, further stealth taxes introduced, widespread slashing of public services, removal of key benefits from the old and disabled;2. And the government told the people that this was a recovery;

But the beautiful Enda Kenny demonstrated it perfectly last week when he stated that his constituents were – “All-Ireland Champion Whingers”

What Will Happen Tomorrow?

What does it look like the Irish public is going to do tomorrow Friday, 26 February 2016 in the election for the 32nd Dail? Well – vote for the same shower of cunts all over again of course. Well they fucking deserve them.

I stand for a United Ireland – the 26 counties should join the 6 in Northern Ireland and re-enter the UK – vote for BREXIT and declare war on Germany. What the fuck – it couldn’t be any worse than what we have now. And sure the army will provide full employment and we might get to actually win a war for once.