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Monthly Archives: August 2015

There was a muslim woman in the US, when she married she had a clause in her nikah-contract saying that if her husband were to choose to be polygamous, which she was ok with, she would be the one to decide on living arrangements for the family within the financial frame her husband set and provided she was fair.

So when her husband announced he was getting married again, the first wife was told how much money she could spend and set about arranging housing for them all.

The day before her husband’s second nikah, the first wife met up with her husband and the wife to be. She took them to a big, beautiful house and told them this was the family home. The husband would live there, together with the children, and the wives would take turns in the house, each having a master bedroom of her own to share with the husband. The wives got a small flat each to live in on their days alone. The first wife let the second wife have first pick from two small flats.

The husband couldn’t find fault with the arrangement since it was all fair, and done according to the clause in the nikah-contract.

The first wife explained that her intent was to make sure all her husband’s children would grow up as brothers and sisters in a family, and with full access to two parental figures – half the time mom and dad, half the time dad and tia. She didn’t want the children to grow up without their half-siblings and she didn’t want the children to spend half their childhood with a de facto single parent.

This arrangement also meant that the husband could never escape from his responsibilities as a father. He had to take full responsibility every day, all day, for all his children. The mothers got to know and love each other’s children.

The husband was somewhat taken aback by it all. In stead of going off on honeymoon with his new wife, the newlyweds got to move into a house full of children while the first wife went to a spa. And the husband never gets time off, while each wife can spend every three days doing what she wants, studying, resting, going to museums or to the cinema…

I think this is a good example of how we must learn to think differently, to question old ideas about gender and how things are done. Muslim men might claim a right to polygyny, but they have no right whatsoever to be absent, half time dads.

In islam, a man is head of the household. The husband is the head of his wife. The reason being that he is the one who spends on his wife, he maintains the family. “Men have authority over women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth.”

The muslim ideal is for the man to work and provide, and for the woman to be the homemaker. And since the husband brings home the bacon, the wife must obey him devoutly. And if the husband divorces his wife, or wives, all she can claim is her mahr since the family income and everything that was bought using that income belongs to the husband.

Picture if you will a man who wants to pick pears. The tree is huge, and the pears are too far up for him to pick. So, he orders his wife, or wives, to carry him around on their shoulders so he can reach, and pick the pears. Day after day, she, or they, are commanded to let him stand on their shoulders so he can pick the pears.

What islam says, is that because the man picks the pears, they belong to him. When he shares the pears with his wife, or wives, this makes him superior and his wife must obey him. And if he divorces her, not a single pear belongs to her. The fact they she, or they, carried the husband around on her shoulders all day every day is of no consequence according to islam. Her work is of no value – after all, HE picked the pears.

This is the sick and warped view on family dynamics in islam.

There is a certain amount of work that has to be performed in every family. There is cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, childrearing etc and there is also the necessity to work to have an income. In islam, the only work that has a value is the work that brings an income, the picking of the pears. The enormous amount of work that is necessary to take care of a family, the nights with crying babies, the washing of dirty clothes, the cooking and washing up, the cleaning – it is all valued at nought. His 8 hours a day of work means all the money in the family belongs to him and he is the head of his wife. Her 14-18 hours of hard work cooking for him, cleaning up after him, taking care of his children, doing his laundry, washing up after him – only means that she must obey her husband and own nothing should he divorce her. This is also why a man inherits twice as much as a woman, because he “spends on his wife”. This is how islam values women.

This is the sick and warped view on the value of homemaking in islam.

This is also one of the truths behind the misogyny of islamic polygyny. Four women can carry a man on their shoulders all day every day. But a single woman can’t carry four men on her shoulders all day every day. And since muslims can’t imagine the roles of the genders any other way, they can’t understand how polyandry would be possible.

If the woman is busy taking care of more than one husband, which one would she obey, taking into consideration that people differ in their nature and character? One wants to travel and the other wants to stay where he resides, one wants to have sexual intercourse with her at a specific hour, and the other wants the same at the same time. One wants hot food and the other wants it cold, and other unlimited matters. So how can life be acceptable with the above conditions? In addition to this, she has to fulfill the need of her husbands whether in relation to sexual intercourse or else. If we assume that their needs are at the same time, how can she fulfill them? (Source:islamweb.net)

This letter was written by M, a woman who first contacted me in 2013. She has written to me many times since, and this time she asked me to publish her letter.

To my ex husband:

I loved you with all my heart.

I felt safe and protected in our marriage. We both shared in everything, when you studied we lived on my salary, when I broke my leg you nursed me, we made plans and shared dreams. You said I was your Noor, your light in life.

One day, out of nowhere, you told me you wanted to find another wife, a second wife. I remember there was a leaf brushing against the window and I sat there completely numb without being able to believe it was really happening I just looked at the leaf and tried to wake up from the nightmare. I didn’t argue, I didn’t cry, I didn’t say anything, because I couldn’t believe that you – my husband, my best friend, my soulmate – had said that you wanted me to share you with another woman. In the evening you made love to me. You caressed me and said I was the most beautiful woman in the world, you entered me and kept whispering “I love you, I love you, I love you”.

The next day we both left for work as usual, dropping our two children off at school and kindergarten first. It was as if nothing had happened, as if the shadow of polygyny had never entered. I started to think it had been a mistake, a horrible dream. But in the evening again, you said it: You wanted to marry another woman, and had I thought about it. I couldn’t say a word, I just cried and cried. You held me and cradled me and kept saying I shouldn’t be afraid, I had to trust your love, and Allah. I asked why, why, why, and you looked me in the eyes and said that you wanted to expand your heart, expand your love – not share it. You said I would always be your first love, closest to your heart. You said you wanted to be a good husband to somebody who had none. You said I should be generous. I wept for weeks, you held me for weeks. In the end I asked you to give me time, help me understand. You said yes. You found videos for me to watch, scholars who explained how polygyny is there for women, not for men, how it’s a test, a woman’s Jihad. How I would be rewarded for passing this test.

You made love to me every night, said that I must feel how much you loved me. You held my face between your palms and said that if another man ever saw my beauty you would die from jealousy. All the while, you were asking me, preparing me, to let you fall in love with another woman, make love to another woman. For the rest of my life, and in eternity.

One day you came home from work and told me you couldn’t wait any longer, that it wasn’t good for me to wait any longer. You were getting married that evening.

I fainted. I woke up in your arms, crying and screaming. You said that it would be better as soon as you were married. I would get used to it, I would stop being afraid. You had your sister waiting in the car, she came up to me and you left.

You married another woman.

I can’t even remember those seven days properly, it’s all in a daze, a turmoil of pain. I slept, I cried, I screamed, I don’t really know how I survived. You called now and then but I couldn’t bear to hear your voice so your sister told you I was getting better. Better?

When you came home, it was the worst day of my life. You came into our bedroom, smiled at me, got into bed next to me, smiled with your eyes and your mouth and said “I’ve missed you so much my love, did you miss me?” Now I know what it feels like to be so filled with rage that it’s possible to kill somebody.

I couldn’t let you touch me. I felt ravaged and soiled by your presence. You had proven to me that you had the heart of a whore, no worse. A whore sells pleasure, you just took pleasure and sold pain. Days and days passed, weeks and months. You left, and came home, left and came home, smelling of another woman, smiling at secrets textmessages, demanding I cut down on my spending on the children since you needed to support her. You other wife. I saw in your phone (yes I snooped) that you sometimes called her Noor, light of your life. You were getting angry with me because I didn’t adjust, because I couldn’t have you touch me, because I didn’t make your life easy. You had a councillor from the masjid over to tell me the angels were cursing me for making my husband angry, that I would enter Paradise through any door I choose if I would only obey my husband and accept polygyny. Everybody said it was a test, a test to see if I had faith, if I was a true mumin, if I had trust in Allah.

My children were suffering. They were hurt by my pain, they were hurt by their father being gone, they were hurt when their father told them he had given up on half their lives to love another woman and eventually her children.

Eventually, I gave in, I gave up. I said I accepted her as my co-wife, I allowed my children to go to her when you wanted it, I let you have my body, I was obedient. You were happy. You gave me a beautiful pair of earrings with diamonds and told me they would remind me of your pure and eternal love for me. I prayed and prayed for help, for some kind of sun to melt the ice in my heart. I felt abandoned, deserted even by my faith, by (forgive me) Allah.

I kept asking: Why did you do this to me? Why was this test sent to me? I begged for help, for mercy. And it came. I found Fiona. I found a friend. And through her I found the courage to search my faith again for answers, and I found them. “Whatever misfortune happens to you, is because of the things your hands have wrought, and only He grants forgiveness” The answer was there all along, I simply hadn’t seen it. The Quran says it loud and clear – mercy and fortune is of Allah, misfortune is created by ourselves!

Yes, polygyny is a test. It is a most horrible and difficult test. Allah asks us: Do we trust in him, or do we trust in our husbands? Do we prefer to cower in misfortune with our husbands, or do we leave in search of true partnership and the marriage Allah promises us, where husband and wife is a garment to each other? Do we really believe Allah would negate on that promise by wanting us to stay in polygyny, with only half or 25% of a man to protect us and our children? No!! If fear of loneliness, fear of not being able to provide for ourselves and our children make us bow to polygyny – we fail the test!! This is the true Jihad – do you have enough trust in Allah to leave your whoring husband and throw yourself on the mercy of Allah? He has given us permission to leave, and the true and ultimate test is if we dare trust upon Him. “No reason have we why we should not put our trust on Allah.Indeed He Has guided us to the Ways we (follow).We shall certainly bear with patience all the hurt you may cause us.For those who put their trust should put their trust on Allah.” I understand now what it means. We must leave, and put our trust in Allah and patiently accept that he will provide – we do not need the husband. Allah wants us to show courage, trust and patience by believing he will provide for us. Those who stay in unhappy polygyny are the losers – they who fail to trust in Allah and His promise that our husbands will be our garments. Some people say it’s Shaitan’s whispers when a woman feels hurt and betrayed when her husband betrays their marriage by taking another woman. But the words of Allah are loud and clear, he never causes us misfortune, we do it ourselves. The whispers of Shaitan come from the evildoers who say polygyny is a right of unjust husbands who have soiled themselves with plural women, so women should try to think of this misfortune as coming from Allah, they say this even though Allah says no misfortune comes from Him! Woe to these evildoers who tell lies in the name of Allah! The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said: “Beware of lying because lying leads to dissoluteness, and dissoluteness leads to Hell. A person keeps on telling lies until he is written before Allaah as a liar.”

We have been told that we should not stay in pain, hurt and anger, we should trust Allah. We should not let our children be bereft of a full time father, protection and love. We should not stay with husbands who hurt us and humiliate us, simply because we fear that Allah will not save us from loneliness and poverty. Allah has made divorce permissible and he has told us that women are allowed to choose whom to marry. This is the true test of polygyny – do you trust Allah enough to leave and put our life in His hand, knowing that he will provide for us? Knowing that he has made a promise that marriage should be a garment for husband and wife, and not leave us naked half of our lives?

Allah kept his promise. He gave me the courage to leave you. He provided me with a good husband. A husband who loves me. I have given him all of me, and he gives me all – not 50% or less. He loves me and tells me every day how grateful he is that I came into his life. He spends time every day with the children, loves playing with them, helping them with the homework. Every time our eyes meet, he smiles. I had been so badly burnt by you, that I asked him how he feels about polygyny. He said it is revolting – a practice for men who are handicapped and have such disabled souls and hearts that they can’t allow them to be full of love, in stead they keep searching to be complete by pretending polygyny is still allowed in Islam.

There is one thing I regret.

When I told you I had filed for divorce, and for Khul, you started to beg and cry. You told me you loved me more than anything, that your other wife and the child she carried didn’t matter the least to you, that you would divorce her three times on the spot if I just promised not to leave you, that I could come with you right away and watch you give her a triple talaq. You said it over and over again, how it had all been a mistake, how you felt nothing for her, how you only wanted me. You obviously didn’t realize that you were saying that you had put me and our children through hell, hell, hell for nothing. I regret recording it all, and sending it to her. She didn’t deserve it, it was mean. I am sorry.

I am enjoying life now. My love, my soul and my beauty belong to a man who is deserving. Our children love him. Maybe some time in the future they will want to see you, but I’m not sure. They love him. They call him daddy.

And He provides from sources (we) never could imagine. And if any one puts his trust in Allah, sufficient is ((Allah)) for him. For Allah will surely accomplish his purpose: verily, for all things has Allah appointed a due proportion.

The way you’re going on and bitching about polygamy don’t you UNDERSTAND it’s a MAN’s RIGHT in shariah to marry women up to four and what YOU’RE doing is UNNATURAL and you’re an ABOMINATION!!!!

You stupid WHORE!!! Now my wife has gone fucking MAD and says she WILL DO TO ME WHAT I DID TO HER and she’s fucking looking for men on the internet and of course there are plenty out there wanting a woman who is married because it suit there BLOODY search for sex like all men here in the UK so she might well find somebody so now I cant visit my other wife and our life is a BLOODY MESS because of YOU!!! Everything you write are DIRTY FILTHY LIES and don’t you stop and think that you DESTROY PEOPLE’S LIVES and if my wife finds another man and he touches her I WILL FUCKING ***** YOU!!! BITCH!!! You put crazy things in women’s head so they cant accept men’s rights and you give them FILTHY images of us and our other wives and my wife has gone MAD because of it and it’s your FAULT now that my other wife is alone and crying and afraid because I can’t come to her because I can’t leave my wife on her own because I have found sites where she has found men who want an affair and she’s bloody saying she’ll go through with it because I did and she won’t be alone when I leave her so I can’t leave her so my life is fucking falling apart and it’s YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!!!

BITCH!!!!

Answer: Oh dear. Did this text really come out the way you wanted it to? Read it and think about it for a while.

The Stanford Prison Experiment is a world famous, or infamous, psychology study, meant to research into how people react in a game of dominance/submission.

Ordinary, sane and well educated middle class young men volunteered and were selected for the experiment. Nine were to be prisoners, nine were guards. The guards were instructed to try and rob the prisoners of their individuality and to break them into submission using special clothing and mental force. The Experiment has been analyzed in oh so many ways, but what is obvious is that the prisoners submitted to abuse and their personalities changed into passive submission with bouts of angst and rebellion. The guards quickly grew more and more aggressive in their treatment of the “prisoners”, and they soon started to behave like their superiors, their torturers.

Islam, and islamic polygyny in particular, is simply the Stanford Prison Experiment turned into religion. One group of people are told that they are the guards, with a degree over the other group, and the other group are told that they are the wards of the Guards, that they must obey every order and that they have no right over their own bodies but must have sex whenever so ordered, and become pregnant whenever so ordered et.c. The guards are told that they are allowed to starve and beat the wards if they are disobedient. The guards and prisoners are also told that the prisoners must wear clothes that hide their “shame” (awrah) from the world, and take their identity away. In islamic polygyny, the Guards are told they can marry plural women without telling their other “wives” or asking their permission, and they are told that they can discard these women when they want, simply by uttering a couple of words. The Prisoners are told that they must submit and obey, and they can not leave if they aren’t set free by their Guards or by the Prison Council.

So – islam and islamic polygyny is nothing but a huge Stanford Prison Experiment. (SPE).

I read a blogpost the other day, where a muslim woman asked why so many men abuse polygyny. The answer is simple – these men are humans. And the SPE shows clearly exactly why muslim men abuse polygyny – because they can. Muslim men abuse women in polygyny for exactly the same reasons nazis abused jews. Muslim polygyny, the SPE, and the Holocaust are all based on the same principle – a person who believes he is above another person, the guard, the power – will abuse it. The SPE Prison Guards enjoyed being better, being above, being in power and they used it. This is exactly what muslim men are doing in polygyny. The muslim polygynists are simply nazis, or SPE Prison Guards.

Do you really think that you can tell a man “You are the head of your wife. She must obey your every order. You have a right to chastise her if she disobeys you. You have a right to strike her. She must have sex with you whenever you command. You have a right to take other women without asking her or telling her. You have a right to keep her locked up in your home. You have a right to demand she never shows her face to anybody but you. If she disobeys you, she will go to hell for it” – without seriously corrupting this man????

We have settled into a calm life of polygamy, plain sailing most of the time. The conflicts that do arise are mostly minor and easily settled. When my first husband was still with his #2 there were LOADS of conflicts all the time, every single mole hill turned into a mountain. Not so now. That just shows how important it is that polygamy is voluntary, just and equal. And it clearly shows that women don’t cope with sharing a spouse better than men – it’s all about how polygamy is done, not about gender.

Anyway, now and then we keep stumbling over minor issues, the typical complaints of polygamy. The most common complaints being:

1. Time issues. There is no way everybody concerned in polygamous marriage will be content with the division of time. Weekends, holidays, anniversaries… the best way to cope, for us anyway, has been to set a three day schedule (it used to be four, but we changed it because of Tamsin) and stick to it no matter what. In the beginning we allowed for my husbands to choose three set dates each, so Graham e.g. chose Christmas Day, his birthday and our anniversary. (If you want, you can find an early post of mine showing how I used this system to get at my husband’s #2!) We had to give up on that too, because if something happened that forced me to give the “set date” to the other husband, like somebody being ill, it just made matters worse… “You always give up my time, and now you even gave him my set date!!”. So no, now we have a three day schedule, with 14 days holiday for each husband. And Christmas Day together. This way nobody is completely satisfied, and there are always grumblings about the schedule.

2. Intimacy. There is no way ever anybody can be completely at ease with sharing the person you love sexually with somebody else. I have to be very careful about e.g. not wanting sex, because both my husbands would see that as a sign that I might be more attracted to the other one. If I am uninterested in sex on change over day, the husband I just came home to would interpret that to say that I just had sex with the other husband before I left him (which might be true) and this always triggers hurt and jealousy. For me, this really isn’t a problem since I can always just have sex anyway, but I don’t understand how polygynous men handle it. I have also made a habit of taking a shower and changing clothes the first thing I do when I change homes. I used to get complaints about the way I smelled, Mark e.g. buys me very spicy perfumes, Escada is a favourite, while Graham prefers light scents like Happy. Ok, so I shower and change. That way, I also get rid of most of the scent I carry from the other husband. Graham only uses Clinique deo without scent, but Mark usually wears a rather heavy Gaultier perfume. Anyway, they both claim that they can smell each other on me, so I shower and change clothes. I’m also very careful about intimate hygiene. If a candida infection starts bouncing back and fro, it’s really irritating and also makes my husbands intimately aware that they are sharing body fluids so I do everything I can to avoid that. It was extremely difficult while I was pregnant I can tell you! I also avoid changing my behaviour in any way, such changes only cause jealousy, so if a husband wants something new to happen in bed – he has to initiate it himself!

3. The Wall of Silence. The silence that is caused by the fact that my husbands can share everything with me, but I have to be very careful about what I share with them. Some doors just have to be kept locked. I usually try to avoid ending up having to say “I can’t share that with you” or “I can’t tell you that”, but when I do it can cause weeks of grief. It’s a permanent conflict even when nothing really sets it off. Sometimes both Graham and Mark hide things from me, and try to hurt me by hiding things, just to sort of equal the field. And the fact remains – I am their best friend, but none of them can be mine.