Monday, May 24, 2010

Take my hand: You're always on my mind

Contrary to suspicions you may have, I did not follow Ev into my current position. This was the right opportunity for me. I love the work I do. That said, having Ev around is a bonus. I am not exactly immune to the spice in the nature of things between us, beyond of our obvious friendship. But I care for her too much to mess with her. If something were to happen, I have a gut feeling that she will not be able to handle it. Perhaps I should've married her. Why didn't I? Its just one of those things you are not ready to decide at 20. By the time I was ready, she'd moved on. After all these years, its great to see her again.. going to work together, working on projects together.. seeing her get annoyed at something I've done better than her, just like in school.. seeing her getting mad if I have ignored some of her suggestions.. She has changed and yet has remained very much who she was before.

Anish, her husband and I often partner in tennis. He is sort of intense, which does get to me sometimes. But he is thoughtful... comes up with interesting insights about things.. has a sense of humor that is aligned with mine.. He's way different from Ev. I guess you could say they compliment each other. My wife Seema gets along much better with Anish than me. With Ev you are either thick like honey or thin like air and you are never in any doubt where you stand.. at least I can tell easily. With Seema you will always get some traction. But she privately despises many people she knows! I think Seema and Anish really do get on well together. I've carefully tried to assess this. Never asked her outright though. Things between us are frank and yet not so frank. I could ask Ev anything. And I mean anything. And I totally can tell when she is lying to me. But I cant ask Seema anything I want. And I cant tell when she is lying. I am still feeling my way around her, it would seem.

Seema and I, we met past the age when lovers gush and moon and trust instinctively. And so, we are still working each other out. Seema is given to a bit of despondency. Ev's influence has been good for her. For example, that birthday party, pleasantly, surprised me. Seema is someone who'll let me sleep on the sofa for nights together and not complain. It takes a great deal to get her to act.. we rarely argue, which would seem like a boon.. but its not. Discussions with her on most topics feel academic, as if it does not really concern her. With Ev, every answer is personal. You are either on her side or on the other side. With Seema, all of them is a distilled point of view. I used to admire S for her objectivity. But I'm growing a bit weary of it. I want to break into her soul and intuit what she feels.. not be told things!

Seema remains beautiful and unruffled, to me. Her aloofness maddens me, really. She does not lack in passion. Just that, even when aroused she maintains a kind of detachment. Her desires are a secret that I cannot read in her smoldering eyes, while I am helpless in the throes of mine. She never takes charge or guides me. It may be a self defense mechanism of sorts. Don't demand, and therefore don't be disappointed. Or, perhaps she is made like that.. I certainly hope with time she will learn to trust me more and experiment. In fact, I am counting on Ev to infect her with a little of her self-abandon. Seema was my parents choice, but today she is also mine. I am fascinated by this woman. I've never regretted my decision.