BAKERSFIELD, CALIFORNIA - (The Borowitz Report) - Infuriated by new allegations that he took performance enhancing drugs, bicycling legend Lance Armstrong lashed out at the press today, hurling a 2008 Hyundai Sonata at a reporter.

Tracy Klugian, who covers bicycling for the Bakersfield Eagle, narrowly dodged the flying Sonata after following Mr. Armstrong to his car and peppering him with questions about steroids.

"Arrrrrrrrhhhhh!" thundered Mr. Armstrong as he threw the car some fifteen feet in the air.

Minutes after the incident, a spokesperson for the biking champion maintained that Mr. Armstrong's surprising feat of strength did not prove he was taking performance-enhancing drugs: "The Sonata is a pretty small car."

Hours earlier, Mr. Armstrong crashed out of the Tour of California race and expressed his frustration by bending his bike into a pretzel with his bare hands. More here.