The Pointlessness of War

It was in 1984 when I first moved to Mount Perry, Florida with my
two minor children. I was retired and had little to do. I stayed home
most of the time and took care of the house. It didn't take me very
long to realize that if I picked up a green willow stick and waved it
at my children in a threatening manner while speaking in a loud, stern
voice, I could get the kids to do almost anything I wanted them to do.

For
some reason this gave me a feeling of great power over the kids and I
became a dictator in my own home. I began thinking; if I used a little
bigger stick and spoke in harsh terms to my neighbors, while
brandishing my stick, they might likewise be encouraged to bend to my
whim. In the woods behind the house I found a nice three foot long
hickory rod about 3/4 inch in diameter.

I began carrying this
around under my arm. After this, when I spoke to my neighbors, I spoke
in harsh terms and held my stick up in front of them as I spoke. The
effect was as desired and expected. My neighbors at first looked at me
with disbelief, but as I held my stick up firmly in front of them they
began to submit to my will.

Thus in short order I became
dictator of my neighborhood. Now I returned to the wood lot behind my
house in search of a larger stick. This stick was about the same length
as the other one but it was an inch in diameter and it had a large knot
at the end. I took my new stick back to the house and carefully cleaned
and polished it.

Now as I walked up to the border of our
neighborhood and met the people from other neighborhoods, I again spoke
in harsh terms and displayed my stick. With the backing of the people
in my neighborhood, I usurped other neighborhoods. I imposed taxes on
my new constituents. With the tax money I hired an army. Granted, it
was a very small army but as I usurped more neighborhoods my army grew
accordingly.

As dictator of several neighborhoods and with a
very nice taxation system in place I used some of the tax money to
build myself a castle. From my new castle I issued orders to my
lieutenants who now carried small sticks of their own. However, I made
absolutely sure my stick was always bigger than anyone else's stick.

If
one of them showed up with a stick bigger than mine, I immediately
broke it in half and would allow them to pick up only one half of the
original stick. This effectively quashed any thoughts of revolt or
reluctance to follow my orders.

I began to notice
whispering behind my back and dissension in the ranks. I formed my own
Secret Service and put them to work weeding out the malcontents. There
was no latitude in my orders here, malcontents were to be weeded out
and "REEDUCATED" by force if necessary. This seemed to work nicely as
malcontents could now be recognized by their bruises. The rest of my
followers simply avoided any contact with them.

Now, as my army
marched onward, I had to have a reason for my expansion other than
simply usurping my neighbors property. My first idea was to claim the
neighboring community had weapons of mass destruction and they were
about to invade our neighborhood.

Unfortunately, after invading
the neighbor, no weapons of mass destruction could be found, so I
simply claimed we were liberating our neighbors from the tyrannical
dictatorship in place in their area. As this was a very liberal idea
and most people favored government control, no one questioned my
actions. Those who did were immediately "reeducated" by my waving my
stick in their face while I spoke in harsh terms.

Now I looked
favorably on richer neighborhoods because of their ability to pay
higher taxes. However, in order to insure the home front would remain
quiet as I usurped new neighborhoods, it became necessary to exercise a
limited control of weapons.

As Absolute Dictator I passed a law
making it mandatory to register any stick longer that 2.5 feet in
length. I made it a felony crime to own such a stick without
registration. Then I decreed that any felony criminal was to do a
certain amount of labor for the good of the community without pay.

Anyone
caught carrying a concealed stick was reeducated on the spot, then
sentenced to community labor. Unfortunately this served only to remove
concealed weapons from the hands of the legitimate citizens of my
dictatorship, while the evil criminal element went right on carrying
vicious concealed sticks on their person. Thus it became necessary to
issue "Stop and Search" orders to my secret police.

In time
there were a great number of felons because the average broom stick is
4.5 feet long. However, ignorance is no excuse for the law ---- or
something like that. In time every subject under my rule had served a
goodly amount of Community Service and every stick longer that 2.5 feet
in length had been cut in half or better depending on it's length.

In
order to insure there would be no illegitimate sticks available to the
private citizen, I dictated that all sticks found anywhere must be cut
to a length less than 2.5 feet. I even went as far as to burn down the
forests within my dictatorship. Still the criminal element was able to
obtain illegal sticks from outside my dictatorship.

I slowly
realized it wasn't the stick that did the damage, but the person
wielding the stick. With this in mind I dictated that anyone caught
with an illegal stick would be sentenced to community labor for the
rest of their lives.

Without having to worry about revolt from
within because there were no legitimate weapons to be had, I was able
to devote all my time to expansion. I directed my army further afield,
eventually usurping the whole town of Mount Perry.

Now I could
dictate to my people how fast they should drive and everything else
right up to what they ate and how much of it. Life was good and I waxed
fat and sassy.

Then one day, as I was negotiating the surrender
of a neighboring community, I happened to bring my stick down smartly
on the negotiating table to emphasize a point. My stick broke in two.
Instantly I was faced with a whole room full of people who had larger
sticks than I did. There was a mass revolt and anarchy ruled the scene.
I raced for the doorway and escaped with only inches to spare.

On
arriving at my home, I found my own children had also revolted. I had
no choice, I picked up a green willow stick and waved it at my children
in a threatening manner while speaking in a loud, stern voice.

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