A play-by-play of the ABC-TV series, The Bachelor, aka the greatest reality television show of all time. These started out as e-mails to a friend and a wife, who in turn forwarded those e-mails to friends. They told two friends, and so on... So now it's on a blog for all to see.

Monday, October 6, 2014

I've been late with this thing before but never this late, I don't think. I had to go out on Thursday night when the show aired but I figured it wasn't a big deal. Bachelor Canada is only an hour long. I could get home, watch it on PVR, and get the blog up fairly early the next day. At least my intentions were good. Too bad my memory isn't. It wasn't until last night that I suddenly remembered I hadn't watched the show yet. I submit it's not a particularly good sign when you almost completely forget about a show.

But I was able to watch it in its entirety this morning. Here are my notes.

It was another Tyler Harcott-free episode. Maybe they couldn't afford to fly him and his skinny pants all the way to Mexico.

We started the episode with a dozen ladies and were told two would be going home at the end of their five-day stay in Los Cabos (condensed down to the 44 minutes or whatever the hour-long show is minus the commercials). But Tim plays by his own rules, as we'll find out later.

The one-on-one date went to Lisa the Red, described as "edgy" and "sassy" by the others. Tim said there was "an amazing coolness to her."

They went to a canyon where a hut was sitting on (or hanging from) cables across the abyss. Lisa thought they'd be bungee jumping, which she was totally cool with. But it was actually a 100-foot fall followed by a "death swing." She was less cool with that but to me it's six of one, half a dozen of the other. I don't see a big difference between a bungee jump and a death swing.

Tim likes Lisa the Red because of her confidence. He said, "You don't care if someone doesn't like you because you like who you are." Yeah, that's always a good sign on these shows. Pick the girl who doesn't mind not getting along with others. Always a recipe for success.

He gave her the rose. "I really like this girl. But I don't know, I wonder if there's another layer there, something that gets peeled away and she just gives her all to you," he said. Nah, probably not. Usually people are 100 percent exactly like they are on a first date. And make that 200 percent when a camera crew is involved. So what you see is what you get, Timmy.

But she did reveal some wacky ink work. She has tattoos located on the underside of her upper arm, like her armpits are leaking.

Back at the hotel, Kaylynn was regretting her cocktail party meltdown. She tried to talk to Martha about it, since she directed her accusations at the Mexican last week. Martha wasn't really as understanding as Kaylynn had hoped. "Martha's making me feel segregated. It just takes me back to my childhood and being picked on," she said. She sure gets picked on a lot. I don't want to be victim-blaming but it makes me wonder why she's always on the victim side of things.

She cried (again) saying last week was so embarrassing. Then she said, "I've never had that kind of emotional break before." At first, I didn't believe her. Then I just figured she has so many emotional breaks (she's had one every single episode so far) that she actually classifies them very specifically so she was telling the truth – last week's emotional break was different than all the others.

A four-on-one group date included Mexican Martha, Seashell, Jenny the fake Brit, and April Burlesque. They watched a Mexican dance then were informed that they'd be learning how to do it themselves and performing it in the streets. And one of the four would get a dinner out with Tim.

Martha thought she had the advantage because of her Mexican heritage. Seashell was anxious because she thought she sucked. Jenny's dancing is limited to the sprinkler. And despite being a burlesque performer, April can't really dance.

But they look fantastic. Not their moves; their traditional Mexican costumes. They get out there and a crowd gathers. They do their thing. It wasn't good but at the same time, there's not much movement involved so they can't screw up too badly. I'm sure the crowd was tipped off that these were rank amateurs because they got a nice round of ironic applause.

Seashell got the dinner date because, according to Tim anyway, she was most out of her element but had fun with it. In reality, it's because he was going to take her no matter what. He just had to come up with a reason for the others.

There was a range of discontentedness amongst the others. Jenny was "bummed," while April Burlesque was "bummed."

Tim called Seashell a "sweet, girl-next-door type." They talked about past relationships. She revealed she's had two long-term relationships. The first one cheated on her, while the second one cheated on her. Then she asked Tim if he'd even been cheated on. I thought the more pointed question would have been if he's ever cheated on anyone. Anyway, turns out he has been cheated on, too.

They shared a long, slo-mo kiss at the dinner table then rested their chins on each others' shoulders.

The next date card was for Prim & Proper Natalie, the Foul-Mouthed Philosopher Rileigh, April Beauty, someone I didn't catch, Miss Trish the pageant queen, and Christine. It wasn't until the rose ceremony that I figured out the one I didn't catch. It was Dominique who I don't think has said a word in three episodes. I forgot all about her.

Their date was to be a beach volleyball game. Finally! That's something they couldn't do in rainy and cold Vancouver.

If you're keeping track at home, that left weepy Kaylynn as the only one of the twelve without any Tim-time. She had been hoping she'd get to go on a date to show him she's not really like she was at the last ceremony. Even though she's exactly like that.

Being shut out of the dates, she went from "the highest high to the lowest low in a matter of days." Not sure of her definition of "highest high" is because we haven't seen it. But I get the impression she goes from high highs to low lows several times through the course of a single day.

She went off to Tim's room to talk. Tim has tons of patience. In the understatement of the season, he told her he knows she's an emotional person. She took full responsibility for last week's meltdown, which impressed Tim no end. It also got him thinking. He suddenly realized how rushed everything is. He was stricken with a sense of urgency. So he made a decision that he thinks will get him more time with the women, but one that might not make everyone happy. He thinks it's the right thing to do.

The chosen six were decked out in their beach volleyball bikinis when Tim arrived to break the news that he doesn't think watching anyone play beach volleyball will help him decide anything. He's now seen them in their very revealing beach volleyball bikinis and his decision has been made. He cancels the date and tells them he's just going to hang out with everyone all day.

April Beauty said, "Now it's a frickin' 12-on-1." She said it's hard for her to step on toes and fight for his attention. "It just sucks." But she clearly devised a plan to get his attention. She'd sulk.

Trish said it was "totally not fair." She was annoyed. "It's not how I want to spend my day."

But Prim & Proper Natalie would make the best of it. She said, in perfect diction, "I know that I'm into him because of these feelings I'm getting inside." That doesn't read as funny as it sounded coming out of her mouth.

Her goal was to impress upon Tim that she wasn't as proper as she appears to be. She wanted him to know that she drives a Camaro. "I think it's kind of bad-ass. I like it," she said. She has an adventurous side. "Don't judge a book by its cover," she told him.

Lisa the Red thinks Natalie is insecure. "There's a lot of issues going on with that girl," she said. "I can see it."

The sulking April Beauty put her plan in motion, running away from the group to go stand by the water, reflecting on her situation (but really waiting for Tim). She didn't have to wait long. Tim dusted off his David Hasselhoff impersonation and ran after her.

She said she wanted to collect her thoughts and hadn't done that yet and didn't want him there at that time. That's a good one!

Lisa the Red didn't empathize: "These girls' initial reaction is to cry when something's not going their way," she said. "I just don't get it." This girl is tough. She probably didn't even cry when she was getting her armpit tattoos.

April Beauty told Tim at the water that she just wanted to have fun and get tipsy and swim in the ocean. So Tim picked her up and headed into the water. Beauty said, "I feel like he's a Greek god and if I look I turn to stone." Not sure that's a compliment as Medusa was a Greek monster with a hideous female face that turned onlookers into stone. But I'm sure the sentiment was more positive than that.

Trish said she'd have rather played volleyball than watch Tim frolic in the ocean with April. When Tim stopped frolicking, he was hit with "incredible tension." Time for a new idea. Sure, since his last one was such a winner. "This is not how I wanted this date to go," he said. "It's obvious that what I'm doing isn't working. I need to make some drastic changes if I want that to turn around."

His brainstorm was to send an extra two bodies home, for a total of four. Trisha bawled at the news. But Tim said he needs to focus on women he has the strongest connection with.

We didn't get to see the cocktail party for their last-ditch efforts to stick around so we cut right to the rose ceremony. Remember, Lisa the Red already possessed a flower, leaving seven more to hand out. They went in order to:

Kaylynn. I'm not even joking about that! No doubt she was back to her highest high.

Trish, the bawler. Um, okay.

Seashell

April the Beautiful Sulker

Prim & Proper Natalie

Dominique. This is when I went, "What?" Had no idea she was still on the show.

The Foul-Mouthed Five-Foot Philosopher Rileigh.

In other words, all (or mostly) the white ones left. Kaylynn being the lone exception (I think). That meant all (or mostly) the non-white ones were going home: Mexican Martha, April Burlesque, Fake Brit Jenny, and Christine. April being the lone exception. 1-2-3 Bam!

That's it. The final eight and Tim will be off to the Bahamas next week. I wonder if Tyler Harcott will get to go, too.