OBAMA “TRANSFORMS” WAR IN AFGHANISTAN

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama on Wednesday, April 1st backed down from his initial order of 4,000 more military troops in Afghanistan, vowing instead to “still disrupt, dismantle and defeat” the terrorist al-Qaida networks, but with “an unprecedented coalition of Autobots and Decepticons made possible through the generosity and patriotism of Hollywood filmmaker Michael Bay.”

In a war that still has no end in sight, Obama said the fresh infusion of Bay’s robots in disguise is designed to bolster the Afghan army and to turn up the heat on terrorists that are plotting new attacks against Americans. The plan takes aim at terrorist havens in both Pakistan and Afghanistan, and will capitalize on the Transformers’ unique ability to masquerade as ordinary man-made vehicles to gain entry into otherwise perilous enemy territory, but then, once on the inside, transform into humanoid robots of substantial size, strength and resilience.

According to filmmaker Bay, “The theory is that most people – terrorists or not – are intimidated by giant f**king robots, because they account for quite a bit of destruction in battle.” After pausing, he then quietly added, “Boom,” splaying his fingers out as if to mimic twin synchronized firework blasts, while staring intently into senior White House Correspondent Richard Wolffe’s eyes.

“Look,” said Obama, “it’s not like we can call up the G.I. JOEs to just come in and save the day. They’re still completing principal photography on The Rise of Cobra.”

With Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, Defense Secretary Robert Gates and filmmaker Bay at his side, the President announced plans for actors Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox to accompany the deployment. “During our briefings, Michael Bay’s people have stressed the importance of having Shia and Megan there. Shia is looked up to by the Autobots, after having provided them refuge for weeks at his parents’ house when they first arrived on our planet from Cybertron. Megan will be there to lure the male terrorists out of their caves with her nubile appearance. The robots will take care of the rest.”

Asked Aint-It-Cool-News’ Harry Knowles, while audibly polishing off the substantial remains of White House Correspondents’ buffet, “Does this mean a return of Skorponok?” The President could not confirm or deny the rumors, but did mention that the Skorponok, “Was pretty cool, even if it wasn’t a Generation 1 Transformer.”

Above: Military footage of the "pretty cool" Skorponok in battle.

The deployment of the Transformers will bolster the dispatch of an additional 17,000 forces to the war-weary nation, and Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai welcomed the additional help to train his country’s army and police force, saying in a statement that Obama’s strategy “is more than meets the eye. Far more.”

There are clear risks and costs to Obama’s strategy. The primary concern is how willing the Autobots and Decepticons – two rival Cybertronian clans who have been warring for centuries – will be to cooperate in a joint effort.

Yet Obama bluntly dismissed these concerns, reminding his detractors that as President, he is entitled to sneak previews of all summer films, and that, “Without giving away any major spoilers, I can tell you that I have seen what the Autobots and Decepticons can achieve when they are motivated by a common enemy.” At that point in the President’s speech, Bay leaned in and whispered into his ear, and Obama followed up with, “But that does not mean any less robot carnage in Revenge of the Fallen; in fact, it promises more of it.”

“I wan the American people to understand that we have a clear and focused goal, as does Michael Bay, who, upon our initial discussions of this mission, immediately returned three of our experimental jets from his set in Alamagordo, New Mexico – days earlier than expected. But for those moviegoers around the world who think any of this will negatively affect Revenge of the Fallen, you are sorely mistaken. The Autobots and Decepticons have wrapped principle photography long ago, and have never been contractually obligated to appear at Dreamworks or Paramount junkets.

In finishing, Obama added. “Ours is a cause that could not be more just. And to the terrorists who oppose us, my message is the same: we will defeat you. As sure as I was that Sam Witwicky would push the cube into Megatron’s chest in the first film. We will defeat you.”

Before ending the press conference, the President called upon poet Elizabeth Alexander to take the podium. Alexander, who read from her works at Obama’s historical inauguration, informed the press that she had been planning to read her new work, “Praise Song for the All Spark,” but had instead felt it more fitting to read the chorus to music artist Stan Bush’s “Dare,” a song from the original soundtrack of Transformers: The Movie. “Dare,” Alexander read before pausing for effect, “Dare to believe you can survive. You hold the future in your hand.”

“Truer words have never been spoken or sung,” said Bay. “I regret not putting Stan’s song in my films, but I think this is just about the best reprise it could have gotten. By the way, if this plan doesn’t work, I’m just gonna have my pyro team blow up Afghanistan.”