Government declare “Act like massive racists” policy a success

The UKBA budget for racist signage will be increased by 200% next year

The government today declared their policy of acting like paranoid bigots a wild success after swarms of jobless Bulgarians and Romanians failed to swamp the country. The policy, which aimed to scare away hypothetical benefit-scroungers from newly eligible EU member states by being a nation of obnoxious xenophobes, appears to have functioned exactly as planned.

Hordes of camera crews and journalists were camped out at Heathrow hoping to picture and interview the imminent scrounger army but the appearance of just two new migrants, both employed, suggests that the government have succeeded in quelling what would surely have been a tsunami of criminal, unemployed foreigners.

“I was sent by my editor who has been talking up to this onslaught for months now,” said one photographer who wished to remain anonymous. “At first I didn’t believe it but with so many other papers saying the same thing I guess we all started to realise it must true. I’m only thankful that the noble actions of our politicians have prevented the unpreventable.”

Ollie King, 37, told us how he stepped up his racism levels to protect his family. “At first I was worried that marketing the country as a horrible place to live overrun with homeless people and no potential jobs would be detrimental in some way but I guess if it stopped a few hundred eastern europeans trying to make a better life for themselves it was worth it. Sorry, would chat longer but I have some Polish neighbours to go and throw eggs at.”

Underground Magazine asked people on the streets of Bucharest why they haven’t made the move to Britain yet: “With the restrictions ending I had been planning on expanding my business into the UK and perhaps employing some locals there,” said Mr Alin Lupei. “But it’s clear now from the government’s statements that the UK economy is still in dire straits and barely able to support its own population. I’ve decided instead to invest in more stable African economies.”