Majority of this blog is about adoption loss. I am also the Mom to a 21 year old son and a 16 year old son. I am fresh out of adoption related topics so I will use this blog to write just about whatever is going on in my life and may throw in adoption and reunion in here when the urge hits me. I recently went thru a bad divorce. I know it was quick but I found love and that has brought me much needed happiness. I may write about my relationship at times.

Monday, September 30, 2013

I can think of a couple ways that I seem to be getting stronger, braver or just plain crazy.

The first one is that I have signed my son up for a feild trip with his school to go to Washington D.C. in the spring. It will cost 1200 and his father has agreed to split the cost. I knew I couldn't afford the full 1200 on my own and he offered. I am taking a huge leap of faith that he won't let our son down.
I just think this is a once in a lifetime experience and how awesome would it be for my son to go with his class.

My son's father even mentioned bringing the trip up to friends and family about the trip and they could help pay for it. Is that tacky? Even the teacher mentioned kids begging grandparents ect.. I just think it's tacky.

Did I mention that my son will be flying?? Double yikes!! I have never flown in a plane and be honest you will not get me on one. No Thank you!!

My other big step out thing is that my little sister is getting some time off from school and wants family to get together. She has managed to talk our Mother into a trip and asked if I would go with her. Yikes!! I have travel anziety and my Mom and I just are not close and have somewhat of a dysfunctional relationship. We have seen each other more this past 6 months than I have probably in the past two years so things are much better compared to where it used to be.

I emailed my Mom to double check she was really going and didn't mind that I tagged along with her. She agreed on both accounts so in a couple weeks I will be setting out on a road trip to Tennesee and on the same day my older sister who lives in TN will be setting out to drive six hours to pick my little sister up and bring her to TN. Does my little sister have a way to get family together or what??

I have mentioned that I have travel anziety and this trip won't be any exception. I get scared easily. However, my Mom is renting a car so it's not my car so no fear there. Also, my Mom is driving so no fear there. Hope she knows I don't know how to read maps!! Yikes!! 12 hours with my Mom in a car should be interesting. Maybe it's a sign of the times to come having a Mother in my life.

My husband mentioned to me he discovered another bike path and we were suppose to check it out together cause he wanted to make sure it was safe. He was unsure I could find it on my own due to it being a couple turns in the neighborhood. So, we talked about taking our bikes and riding it. I wanted to figure it out cause I wanted to run it. Just itching to get a longer run in.

So he got all lazy on me cause he worked his normal 8am to 10 pm shift and rode his bike home! How dare him be lazy!! Just kidding about being upset with him.

I went to the YMCA where I do my run and at my half way point I noticed a sign and I thought to myself that's probably where the other track is. I checked out and just on whim actually found the running path or bike bath. What are those things called anyways?? LOL

I ran it and at one point it says that your going onto the street now and I was disappointed that it was the end so I just kept running on the road. I tried to be paying attention of what was around me to better my chances of not being lost. Running on the street is another area where I just feel weird and it was like I just didn't care what others thought. It's September 30th and warm!! Not gonna get many more warm days so gonna do what I want. 37 years of age must be that magic number when people just come into their selves and so whatever pleases them.

I say go for it! As long as it's not murder or hurting small children or animals just be you!! I ended up running almost 8 miles which is about double what i normally run. It took me two hours and then I did my strength training and had to rush home so my husband could drive himself to work.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

I mentioned that I had thought about getting Izzy a fitbit but she got one as an early birthday present from someone else. I believe her fiance gave it to her. I just love having one more way to connect with her. With fitbit you can have friends and compete with each other.

In the beginning I was always way ahead of her but lately she is getting ahead of me at times. I am not sure if she is stepping it up a bit or I am slowing down. I suppose it could be a combination of both.

I have even gone as far to delete some of my fitbit friends I don't know so she would come up on my screen. That was when she was kind of low on the list. I just love seeing her pretty face that the other had to go. It's just a lot of fun competing with people in general but I get so much more out of it if I know them.

I can tell when someone was near their computer or when they been active and it's fun to think oh Izzy just got home from work ect.. or Izzy had a big jump she must have done zumba or went for a nice long walk or run.

It's a way we can cheer each other on and also give each other a hard time. I guess in a way.. it's just a little bit of normal stuff to us. We are doing what we find fun and having a good time watching the numbers.

Friday, September 27, 2013

This seems to be the year that I just keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone. One example is working out in the weight room. It makes me feel odd and out of place. Somedays, I feel like I belong. Other days, I want to shrink away in a corner.

My next adventure is going to be taking take place next month and boy is it an adventure for me. I will post about it soon.

I don't know what it is about this year of stepping out my comfort zone but guess this year is the year to do it.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

I feel like people have a wrong impression of what it means to be on a diet. I get many comments about what people think I am eating or not eating. Some people tend to think being on a diet and watching what you eat looks like this.

That isn't a diet any of us can stay on for long.

Here is a better example of a diet one could stay on for a while. This is my dinner from the other night that I took with me to work.

It is veggie chili that orginally has 246 calories. I added a serving of peas, half serving of cheese and serving of crackers. I did 200 grams of canalope. My total calorie count for dinner was 484 calories and it was very filling.

I have been doing this new workout program at the Y. My weight loss has slowed down a bit. I am working on toning and doing slightly less cardio. Here is a recent picture of me taken after my 9th workout on my new program. I am not sure if the chance is enough to be noticed in pics but I was able to do 15 girl push ups and the another 15. That is something that at the begining I couldn't do.

Just for the record. I am too shy to do the full body shots that would show the flab on my arms.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

I had the chance to go to Easter Seals Annual retreat yourself weekend again. It was my 3rd year going and each weekend goes way too fast.

This year was a little different cause it was the first time that I had a roommate. My friend, Susie, who I met at the first retreat was bummed out her normal room mate wasn't coming to the retreat so I offered. I had already shared a room with her and a bed at the Galena retreat so I was already comfortable with her.

I had a pretty good weekend! It was nice to get away. It seems like I have had a week from hell following the retreat. So my question is..how long until the next retreat?? haha

I am torn if I will attempt the Galena retreat or not. I know my friend Susie will want me to go but I find myself so worried about being lost and left that I really need a buddy with me badly. It's not until the spring so I have plenty of time to decide on it.

They fed us really good there and I took a bit of a diet and logging calorie break. I did the logging break cause it's really hard to count if your not preparing the food and I did the diet break cause it's hard to be in control when your not preparing the food.

I had thought I had gained weight but I am back right at my last "check in" weight and 2 oz under so that is all good.

I feel like working out has been a struggle due to my son going to school and my husband's job. I am still going but not quite as often. I started this program a few weeks ago called ActivTrax at the YMCA. It prints out a workout for me to do with me picking the cardio and then I do what machines and floor exercises it tells me to do. It's been a little bit of a challenge cause in the weight room I am not in my comfort zone.

Each time I go, I feel myself getting a little less awkward feeling around all the meat heads. LOL It's mostly strong guys in there. So I get to say I am playing with the big boys.

Every 25th, I take new pictures. It will be interesting to see the pictures this month. I don't think I have had much in the loss department but people are telling me I am smaller. So we shall see how my famous skirt and jeans look in one week. I will try to post those pictures.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

My little sister is probably the only one that still asks about her and that I totally feel open talking to her about Izzy. Even then I feel a little guilty cause Izzy and my sister was connected thru facebook and Izzy went on a deleting spree of people she didn't talk to her and deleted my sister and quite a few of my other family members that had made the facebook connection. When I asked Izzy why she did it she said she just deleted people who she didn't talk to on there.
There were a couple people like my stepmom and her friend that Izzy deleted that I didn't care so much about.

Both my sister and Izzy recently got a fitbit so I suggested they friend each other and they did.

My Dad was really curious about Izzy until he actually met her and has never really brought her up again. He also met my very good friend that day and thought she was hot! So he continued to ask about her.

My brother and Izzy had a falling out on facebook. He was probably the only one trying to make conversations with her on there and he ended up offending her badly and she deleted him.

My big sister knows she is on there but so far hasn't attempted to friend her.

So all in all. Izzy has met my little sister, my little brother, my Dad, of course both of her brothers, my husband and even my ex husband ect cause she was invited to a party. Even though people have met her she still seems to be a topic that most people would rather avoid.

I don't know if they get that vibe from me or what. At times, I still find myself uncomfortable talking about her. I think it's the confidence thing. At times, I don't feel satisfied with our relationship and I don't really want to sound badly if I speak poorly of it. I don't want people to have negative thoughts ect. like they will look at me and think it must be my fault cause I am not good enough for her. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

She thanked me right on facebook and posted this picture of her flowers that were left at her door. It made me feel really good that not only did she love them that she shared them on facebook. The sharing on facebook shouldn't mean anything to me but I do feel left out when she shares other stuff from her family on there. I have to remember that this reunion thing is still a process that I have to accept at her level of comfort and maybe it has teken until now to feel comfortable showing things from my side of the family.

What was even more huge tham Izzy posting the picture and tagging my name is that Izzy's Mom liked the status!!

Oh wow!! I couldn't believe it. She has made the effort to acknowledge that I exsist in our daughter's life. I just find that huge! I know I have mixed feelings about her mother and at times I would love to crush her life a bug. Just a little humor!! I am only human. I get jealous. So I guess I have to accept her mother's faults of simliar traits. I don't know where the future will take us..

But I know one thing and it is that her parents did an awesome job raising her! I am grateful to them for that.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

I remember this day like it was yesterday. I remember how torn up I was about not knowing anything about my daughter. It was a bad year. It was around this time 4 years ago that I stumbled across her profile pic on facebook. I had checked before and I had never seen it. It seems like I lived a lifetime without her and yet it seems like I have had her back for a long time. I will write more about this birthday.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

I thought it would be neat to go back in my blog and see where I was 4 years ago on Izzy's birthday. Here is my post cut and pasted to show what was going on in my life and my heart way back then. A lot has changed.

Tomorrow is my daughter's 18Th birthday. I have had a lot of support this week, which I hope will make tomorrow a little easier to get by.
On Tuesday, I got to have breakfast with L the pastor's wife. Even though, sometimes I can't quite accept what they say as the answer to my grief, I love having them in my corner. L questioned why I am okay with strangers reading my blog and not my family. I told her that I feel safe. I don't have to worry about any of my words being twisted around. I have this fear that Izzy's parents will think I am crazy. Which bugs me, because just because I miss her doesn't mean that I am crazy. I asked her if she could make a scrapbook page for Izzy. Maybe that seems a little strange, but I feel like it might be kind of cool to have others help just a tiny bit.

This past week, I spoke with my little sis about Izzy for the first time. It made me so nervous. It bugs me a little that she has known for at least 5 years, but I don't hold anything against her. I also asked her to make a page for Izzy. I basically invited my family members that read my everyday blog, but don't know how much they actually read the blog.

Today, I went to counseling at the adoption agency. She has been a great help too. She is really pushing me for answers though. The last time, she asked why am I waiting for everyone to talk to me about Izzy why not just talk first. My answer is fear, shame and guilt and just plain stuck in silence. I am just used to a certain way of life. Today, she really got into when the secerty and shame got started. It goes back to the pregnancy. I learned quickly by my Mom's actions that it wasn't going to be pretty. So, I just kept quiet until I went into labor. I don't know how she could not have known though.

Tomorrow, is going to be a rough day. I will be coming home from my clients home in the morning and plan to sleep some of the day away. I will probably pick up this little doll I have been paying on at the doll shop. My counselor wonders if the dolls are coping device for me. I don't know, but boy are they cute. I figure your never too old to be a kid. I plan on releasing the balloons in honor of Izzy. I am debating how I will deal with my younger son being home. I can't inflate 18 balloons and not be questioned. The counselor suggested just not telling the whole truth. To me that feels like more hiding. But is it fair for him to know what day it is and maybe hurt, or is it fair to lie to him.
We plan on going for a little road trip Saturday. I just have to try and stay busy. I feel like this birthday is going to be hard, but I can see that I am better than last year. If I can keep taking baby steps then that will be good.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Izzy's birthday is in two days! I went with sending her flowers and it's the gift that I felt best with. It's been a tradition besides last year so flowers was my winning decision.

I had a hard time picking which flower arrangement to pick. This is the first time I couldn't look at flowers in the store and help pick them.

I went with this thing called deal of the day. So it means I am letting the florist arrange the flowers. So I figure they could use their creativity and make my little girl an beautiful arrangment of flowers. I splurged with sending 3 balloons with the flowers. If money wasn't an option I would have loved to see the surprize on her face with sending 22 balloons.. but 22 times 3 dollars is out of this world.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Today at the church I babysit for I got to cuddle with a real live baby boy. The church doesn't have a lot of growing families and it's one of those kinds of churches that accepts everyone including cross dressers and I have oftened wondered if that's why they don't have many young people with children. However, all that is besides the point. Often times, they pay me to do nothing. Well, they have to pay me for my time kids or no kids.

I love it when I get the rare chance to have a baby in the nursery. There is one family that had a baby 4 months ago and they haven't been coming too often.

It was so nice to cuddle with him. It made all the child free days worth it to get that moment to cuddle with such an innocent sweet baby boy.

I have been trying to clean up my house now that I am here on my own without my husband. It's not coming along too fast and some of it is the normal dishes and laundry ect.

Today, I cleaned up 4 of the 6 of my dolls. They been collecting dust and to be honest didn't have clothes cause I had stripped them cause they were dirty.

There was a time where you wouldn't have seen my dolls all dirty like that. I don't know or can't pin point the excact reasons why. One reason I am thinking is cause the doll shop closed down. I can no longer put one on layaway and pay for it over time.

Another reason could be that we just ended up with more furniture and the dolls no longer got a lot of space to be displayed. A couple of them are in my bedroom in their bed. So they just kind of feel like they are shoved in a corner so maybe that's why.

I suppose the last and maybe most real answer could be that dolls were filling a void in my life where my real life was lacking. Not that I have a lot of babies in my life. I haven't been volunteering for the nursery in months so the only contact I am coming with babies is the rare chance with the church.

The couple years we had our grand daughter with us quite a bit gave me some insight into having a little girl in the home. I miss our time together in the morning when she would do her "make up" with me and brush teeth. It's hard to say if my grand daughter filled the void or my renewed relationship with my gorwn child that started out as a baby.

I have thought about getting rid of the dolls but I just don't think I can do that. I would rather find an happy meduim to taking care of them and finding places for them in our house again.

Maybe my daughter's upcoming birthday is awakening something inside me. I haven't felt the best this week. 22 years ago, at this time I was very pregnant with Izzy. Right now, I am very sore with pms stuff trying to kick my ass.

Friday, I leave for a retreat for Mom's with special needs childen. So it will be really nice to get away.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

It's 4 more days until Izzy's birthday and 4 more days until another anniverseray of the 9/11 attacks. What has it been 12 years? I had almost forgotten about the shared birthday until someone spoke about it the other day. How sad is it that I have almost forgotten? The two on the same day cause me a lot of suffering. It made the birthday blues come early. It made the memory of Izzy pop up all the time cause rarely can you read a true story about anything withthout the mention of 9/11 coming up.

I haven't had a good week. Physically, I been feeling tired and worn down. A little sad but not much. I know it's the sypmtoms on my period before it starts going on right now.

I am not taking the day off work again. I believe it's the 2nd birthday I chose not to have the day off and make my husband drive me all around everywhere. Sometimes, I wouldn't make myself clear, and we would only be gone a few hours and I get upset.

So I just plan on working and probably not really do anything. I believe I might have a playdate set up for my son with a special needs friend so between work and the playdate hoping things will go smoothly and it won't be a depressing day.

Her bithdays are not so bad anymore. I have been in reunion shortly after her 18th birthday and met shortly after her 19th birthday so I have a lot to be happy for. I don't have the kind of relationship I wish we had. I believe the distance has made things harder. I wish she never moved away but she is happy there so I guess that's all that matters.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

I been at 189 followers for a very long time... anyone reading but not following?? Do me a favor and follow.. I would love to see 190 followers and maybe someday 200 followers. I imagine I maybe getting boring since I don't have a lot of drama in my life right now. I guess that's a good thing.

Monday, September 2, 2013

9 days until Izzy's birthday!! I got her new address and have decided with sending flowers but haven't decided on the dollar amount or what florist in the area yet. I only have a few days to decide because I would like it ordered and paid for by Friday. I am looking at fruit baskets on the florists website. Women answer this would you rather have pretty flowers or stuff you could eat and it's not candy? She has mentioned she saves the dead flowers so she must like them.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

It's been quite a long time since I have done a post with Questions from readers and answers from me. So if anyone is dying to know anything about me or what is going on in my life go for it. It can be adoption reunion related or some other topic that your intrested in learning more about. Don't be shy. Ask away!!

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If anyone ever wants to talk to me directly without being in the spotlight of the blog you can contact me at birthmomtalks@gmail.com Please if your a blogger leave me your blog website so I have an better idea of who I am talking to.

About Me

At the young age of 15 years old. I had a baby girl and was pushed to choose adoption. I was uneducated and uninformed on how there are different types of adoption. It has been a long lonely road as a birthmother and forever damaged the relationship I have with my Mom. I write two blogs. One I keep a little more private than the other.