DEATH AND TAXES
(C)1993 Alan M. Schwartz
The US government is about $13 trillion dollars in the hole,
$50,000 for each man, woman, child and illegal alien residing in
America. Given a Gross National Product - the official appraisal
of the domestic production of everything - of $3 trillion yearly,
even total outright confiscation of all objects of value will
hardly put a bandage on this fiscal ulcer. Given a choice
between a rational policy of entitlements and defense spending to
stem the liquidation of America or inexorable national ruination,
our Federal government chooses a path of compromise: Unrelenting
economic terrorism relentlessly waged independent of any
Constitutional limitations upon government's predation of its
citizenry. Our forebear English colonials suffered the venal
gleanings of George III. We today are prey to the arrogant feral
omnipotence of the Internal Revenue Service and its private
system of Star Chamber courts and sub rosa intimidation.
Congress is short a few trillion dollars. What they cannot
legislate from your pockets they will cut out of your hide.
Like con artists in a boiler room operation hawking Florida real
estate guaranteed to be situated at least six inches above mean
high tide level, the lowest level IRS operatives are debauched
harlots whose continued employment is balanced upon the very
sharp point of net revenue enhancement. If they cannot discover
within your return some arcane violation of the hundreds of
thousands of pages of minuscule print constituting US tax law,
they may send you a randomly assigned "pay or die" letter anyway.
They love lifting rocks to see what frightened, squirming things
will attempt to flee. Let us explore the five stages resulting
from IRS ravishment of a citizen-victim.
Stage 1: ANGER. "Your 1992 tax return shows an underpayment of
$0.17. If you do not remit within three days the $0.17 plus
$2500 in penalty assessments and $538 in interest to date, we
will confiscate all your worldly possessions. You may file suit
in the IRS courts to reverse our decision if you feel this is
unjustified and can find a lawyer to take your case on a
contingency or pro bono basis."
"SONOFABITCH! Who do you bastards think you are! I'll write to
my Congressman! I'll write to my Senators! I'll write to the
President of the United States!"
Stage 2: DENIAL. "Your 1992 tax return shows an underpayment of
$0.17. You did not remit within three days the $0.17 plus $2500
in penalty assessments and $2278 in interest to date. We have
confiscated your possessions as security deposit and placed them
in escrow. Any attempt to access your savings, dip into your
wallet, or use your toothbrush is a Federal felony punishable by
fine and imprisonment."
"YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!" I have my rights! I was wounded in
Vietnam! This is America! I will be vindicated!
Stage 3: NEGOTIATION. "By law, any tax penalty assessment may
be appealed within 36 hours of its service by up to three formal
personal appearances and petitions on consecutive days at your
local IRS offices. Your absence at your three scheduled hearings
in Sacramento, CA; Bethesda, MD; and Cheyenne, WY is de facto
and de jure voluntary forfeiture of your appeal process."
"SAY WHAT?"
Stage 4: LITIGATION. "IRS Court is in secession. The defendant
is found guilty, because if he weren't guilty he would not be
here. He is sentenced to reimburse all IRS administrative and
legal charges; remit $250,000 in penalties, interest and fee
assessments; and $0.17 in unpaid taxes within 10 days or suffer a
prison sentence of 25 years to life at hard labor. This Court
has been merciful because this is a first offense. Next case."
"As your lawyer I advise you that you are liable for my
reimbursement, or else."
Stage 5: REVENGE. "Action News reports that an unidentified
maniac has stolen a crop dusting plane, loaded it with what
surviving forensic authorities identify as a homemade brew of
quinuclidinyl benzilate, and flown horizontal loops over
Sacramento, CA killing more than 180,000 people as he repeatedly
swooped low over the IRS building, finally smashing the plane
into its third floor."
"Dear Sir: The Internal Revenue Service has determined that an
erroneous $0.17 determination of underpayment of your 1992 tax
return has been made. Enclosed please find a check in the amount
of $1.43 for a $480 overpayment of your 1992 tax return less
administrative expenses plus the return from escrow of your
confiscated worldly possessions. This notice conforms with the
US Government Reduction in Paperwork Act."