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Thursday, October 25, 2012

Puzzled

I feel so confused these days.

I have been outside of my 'industry' since january, working in something I had been meaning to try for a very long time. Let's just say that now I get paid to more or less walk all day! I don't want to say more because, again, I prefer to keep my work life separate from my personal life... Aka I don't want work people to read my blog...

It's very different from the high stress creative job I had before (I worked on various TV and film productions as an editor.) But is it better? Not sure. The only thing that is better right now is the job security I get - as an editor you are constantly working towards making sure you get called again for up-coming productions, you rarely work more than 6 months to a year on the same project, so it's like constantly looking for a job. You usually get paid by the week, no matter how much over the 8 hours a day you work. If there's a big delivery coming, you work until it's ready. If it takes you until after 2am because you have to wait for other departments to give you material, you have to stay. You're in charge of your department, the whole production ultimately comes together through your hands, so it makes sense...

I worked for 12 years non-stop to build my career (I like to say whine that in those 12 years I have had a total of 6 weeks off) I felt lucky that I was working so much, so I kept going. But my stress was up there, constantly, all that time. I liked the creative aspect of that job, but constantly doubted my abilities. Some projects I've worked on I am proud of and had a blast doing, others were a bit less inspiring, but had promising outcomes: the potential for more work afterwards.

Then I had a baby.

The thought of going back to work in the industry was so scary to me. I felt like the level of commitment to the work that is needed to do the job, I just couldn't bring to the table anymore. I wanted to put in my 8 hours and go home. And preferably on the same schedule every day.

So I gave this other opportunity a try - saying no to some editing work, letting go of some networking 'keeping-in-touch' work... My was that tough. But this new job promised more or less 8 hours, mostly day time... a uniform and a no prep work 'look' aka hair in a pony tail, hurray for no daily hair torture straightening!

But it's not a permanent position, and I am on call covering for people who go on vacation, so I don't work all the time...

In between working weeks I have been trying to get back to editing. And...

I have been unsuccessful.

Wow. I have not been out of work for 12 years, yet I have not been able to find work since January. I have been to a few interviews, sent out hundreds of applications and resumes, let everybody in my small network of contacts know that I am looking for work... Nothing.

Now I am just puzzled. Am I any good? Is the industry just slow these days? Is it time I develop my own stuff? I am not inspired, I don't know what to do.

I used to come here and talk about my work towards becoming healthier, but right now I don't know how I can go back to that. Go back to that place where I could focus on eating right and exercising (I do walk for 4-6 hours everyday after all, so I'm not too worried in that sense... :)

I don't think I'm the same person anymore. I have trouble figuring out who I am now. I almost feel at times like I am letting go of things I worked hard to get even though I have no real plan, and that's scary.

or maybe it's just the leaves changing color and a bad case of pms? :)

But I do miss my blogging days, and the lovely ladies from the blogging community... I hope you are all well!!

And now, here's a few instagram shots of my beautiful baby L who's not really a baby anymore. I love him to bits. I'm 'cinemarie' on instagram too...

2 comments:

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