FOLLOW US

‘I am in the driving seat’, says woman who keeps doing u-turns

Theresa May confirmed her continuing commitment to driving metaphors today, announcing that she had taken decisive action on Brexit by ‘tying up and gagging that naughty overgrown schoolboy Boris Johnson and stuffing him in the boot of my car’.

‘When we get to Dover, I’ll dump him over the cliffs, assuming I don’t have to make any u-turns off the A20 on the way. It’s an open and generous offer. You can’t get more strong and stable than that, can you’, she continued.

May’s driving instructor, Len Jones, from Drive A Hard Bargain was not convinced, however. ‘This madwoman failed her driving test on countless occasions, mostly for ‘not continuing in the same direction’, and ‘going whichever way the wind is blowing’. In one lesson, we ended up in Thanet and nearly ran over Nigel Farage. She was always confusing the pedals. I kept screaming that I would have to apply the emergency brake, but she just muttered something about me putting a position paper together on it, and that Brexit meant Brexit. She shouldn’t be allowed on the road, even as a learner, and she is a disaster waiting to happen.’