moving with the wind

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The term ‘out of body experience’ is most relevant to the literal leaving of your body in an altered consciousness state. When you perceive yourself to float away, and be outside of your physical self. It can offer expanding perspectives. Intending that you come back into your body and move forward, balancing multiple states of mind.

I have heard this phrase most utilized as metaphor ‘it was like an out of body experience.‘ Implying the said experience to have been deep. Real deep. The most obvious use of the out of body experience terminology is in a drug induced state. Though meditation, hypnotherapy and a number of other techniques are equally as effective. I think that altered states of consciousness can achieve a depth of healing not otherwise accessible. There is peaceful lucidity when you can turn off the usual external pressures. The human mind can be confining, sticky with old patterns and societal conditioning. Leaving it feels like coming home.

Sometimes, especially lately, my daily life feels like an out of body experience. I feel like I am dreaming, and watching myself be impulsive and make decisions without awareness of reality or consequence. Being here feels bottomless and dark and uncomfortable. I always thought being uncomfortable was good, it promotes growth and strength. Though, here it doesn’t seem like I am strong or growing. Recently I was dragging my self into what I thought I needed to face and deal with. I was trying as hard as I could with what I knew had helped before. For two months I bumbled around, a different career path or elaborate plan each day. Sprinkled with emotional breakdowns, elated then depressed, determined then defeated. The line was so thin between my swings and I was exhausted. I can imagine my friends were too.

Being in a constant state of stress puts a lot of strain on your body. For me it was being expressed as a disassociation, or depersonalization from my actions. A dream like, dysfunctional state of mind. I don’t know how, but I kept moving along. Still trying, probably too hard, but referencing still what worked before instead of what will work now. When it feels like my hands aren’t my hands, I need to just take a nap, succumbing to the urge to just lay in bed, at least a little. Though I have tried to shove my way into the next healing experience, desperate for ceremony and transformation. You can’t drag a toddler into kindergarten… Even if you get them in the classroom, they aren’t going to learn anything. My subconscious is the toddler, or at least deserves to be treated with the same patience and compassion.

There are many medicines, some I have explored, many I have not. Because one worked, really well, does not mean there is not another road to get there. I am reflecting now that I have tended to give more credit to the healing modality than to my own self. I think that this thing outside of myself made me this way. Which puts me in a state of desperation. Like I need that thing to move forward. So I am desirous, hungry and anticipating the next time. I would claim all the way into next week that I didn’t need it, though in my mind am like ‘dear god give it to me.‘ Truth is, I actually don’t need it. I need to own my growth and transformation, because it is no one else’s. The dubiety of our personal agency is crippling.

I am taking a step back to think if perhaps the best medicine is already in me. Even though I am still struggling, what I need to do next is really draw on what I have already learned and own that shit. There are times to draw on resources outside of ourselves, and then times to celebrate the ones already within us. It’s all medicine.