Roach Birth Control Could Be End Of Line

May 4, 1986|By Bob Morris of the Sentinel Staff

Beyond the roach motel: Now here's an idea that could make millions in Florida -- birth control for roaches. No wisecracks, please. (''What's the Catholic Church got to say about this?'' ''Now those nasty pests will really lose all their morals.'' ''Well, it's about time we offered those poor, little creatures something other than the rhythm method.'') . . . This is serious business. Allow me to quote a spokesman for Black Flag, makers of ''Roach Ender -- Birth Control for Roaches,'' which hits the marketplace this week: ''This is one of the few times when the words 'major scientific breakthrough' actually apply.'' . . . Guess who's responsible for the Major Scientific Breakthrough? Dr. Carl Djerassi, a Famous Scientist, head of the chemistry department at Stanford University and, get this, the same guy who, back in the 1950s, invented birth control pills for human beings. Just working his way up the evolutionary ladder, I suppose . . . Alarming statistic No 1: A single roach can be the progenitor of 30,000 offspring. Alarming statistic No. 2: The South, which surprisingly still includes Florida, accounts for only 27 percent of the U.S. population but more than 50 percent of its roach killer purchases. Either this points out the terrible roach infestation in these parts or it simply reflects the Southern proclivity toward hunting things down and making sure they are dead, dead, dead. At any rate, it certainly explains why Dr. Djerassi just happens to be in Central Florida this week, attending a Famous Scientist symposium and making himself available for interviews about roaches, a subject which, unpleasant though it may be, is welcome distraction from Mad Dog Libyans and meltdowns . . . A Column World suggestion: Dr. Djerassi, would you please consider sticking around a little longer, a couple of weeks or so, until another insect infestation, one of a more seasonal nature, begins? And then maybe instead of flying back home you could drive north out of Florida. Notice the zillions of altogether indiscreet insects that splatter your windshield, put pockmarks in your car and generally make a mess out of everything. Love bugs, sir. Figure out a way to put the skids on those suckers and we won't only make you rich, we'll nominate you for sainthood.

Only to good homes: Maybe I ought to explain how this roach birth control works. First, there's a counseling session and then . . . No, no, the way it works is that you spray the roaches and this sterilizes them. Drastic, yes, but if you regret your action later there's always adoption . . . Of course, there is the chance that this Major Scientific Breakthrough could promote roach promiscuity. Imagine the dark, intimate confines of your kitchen cupboard and the rendezvous of a roach couple. Says he: ''Don't worry, baby, I've been zapped by Roach Ender.''

Major taxidermy breakthrough: Elsewhere on the Florida critter front we have Professional Taxidermists of Longwood, which received the first state license to mount alligators. Ahem, that's mounting alligators as in stuffing them and getting them ready for display . . . The gators come from authorized farms where they are raised for meat and fetch $150 a foot mounted. Taxidermist Robert Bishop says they are selling like crazy . . . As you might expect, the stuffed gators are a big hit with University of Florida football fans. One of Bishop's customers had a gator mounted on the hood of his car. Others are paying $50 for gator head ashtrays. And one fellow intends to put a stuffed gator in the bottom of his swimming pool . . . The big ticket item at Professional Taxidermists is the subject of some dispute. Bishop claims it's an endangered Florida panther that he bought for mounting after it died at a roadside zoo. Game commissioners say it's really a close relative, the Western cougar. At any rate, asking price is $10,000.

Roach culture: It's only fitting that today's column should give an unsolicited plug to Alexa Jaffurs, a Gainesville artist. Her business, Bug Tussle Stuff, specializes in roach accessories, such as ''Roach Crossing'' signs and T-shirts featuring a roach chorus line with the inscription ''Live performances nightly . . .''