Russell Friedman

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask John & Russell

There Are Many Death-Related Situations In Which The Human, Emotional Reaction Is To Be Angry At God (Published 7-3-2012)

Q:

Will I ever stop being angry at God? I used to have faith. I still believe in God. I just don't like him and don't think I ever will again.

I think I also have PTSD because of watching my son die and how he died was traumatic. I have been to a few counselors but none seem to get it! What now?

Russell Friedman Replies:

Dear Laura,

Thank you for this very important question.

We can’t tell you how many people over the years have contacted us about their anger at God, or the clergy, or their church organization. So much so, that in the 20th Anniversary Edition of The Grief Recovery Handbook, we added a whole section on Loss of Faith, and it is now included in the subtitle of the book.

Let us start our response with this statement: “There are many death-related situations in which the human, emotional reaction is to be angry at God.”

Certain causes of death or circumstances around a death have a high probability of causing anger and either a short or long-term breech of faith for the grieving person.

For example, if a four year-old child is hit and killed by a drunk driver who loses control of the car and jumps the curb, it’s almost impossible for the parents to accept that the God of their understanding could let that happen. And we are talking about devout, God-loving people.

Even without knowing the circumstances of your son’s death, your explanation that watching him die was traumatic for you, is enough for us to understand what you mean, in so far as it affected your faith in God.

Our answer in how to deal with it may surprise you. When people have experienced a loss of faith or loss of trust in God, the clergy, or the church, as the by-product of the death of someone important to them, they often get focused on that loss and lose sight of their grief about their person who died.

Our many years of experience with this has taught us that no matter how much their issues with God may be bothering them, they must first grieve and complete their relationship to the pain and unfinished emotional business caused by the death of the person who was important to them, before attempting to deal with God and/or the loss of faith.

For many people, taking the actions of Grief Recovery is enough to allow them to then reconnect to God, their faith, the clergy,, etc., if they wish to do so.

For others, those for whom their faith does not naturally return after Grief Recovery, we help them grieve and complete their relationship to the pain and unfinished emotional business with God. That process is outlined fully in The Grief Recovery Handbook.

We are not suggesting that you or anyone else ever has to “like” God again, or even believe in God again, but you do need to get “complete” with God, so you are not limited by the unfinished emotions that may distract you.

We we are very proud of having helped thousands of people find their way back to God following major losses; and also having helped many people accommodate a different relationship [or none] to God than they had before the loss that caused the breech.