and other facts we made up

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Well, it’s January, and that means divorce season is upon us! January is one of the most popular months to initiate a divorce. Why, you ask? Because the holidays are over, and you’re off the hook. It’s hard to pull the trigger when you’re getting ready to light the menorah or open presents under the tree. And no one wants to put a damper on the druid winter solstice festival!

By the way, if you’re one of those people who has decided to end your marriage, and you made it though the entire holiday season pretending that everything is FINE, we would like to congratulate you. That’s like finishing a marathon and you deserve a Snickers bar.

And now you’re almost ready to make your move. But you’re nervous – how do you ask for a divorce without looking like the bad guy? To put it bluntly: you don’t. No matter WHAT you do, if you ask for a divorce, a certain number of people will think you’re an asshole. And maybe you’ve behaved in a way to make people think that. But even if you haven’t, it doesn’t matter. What we’re saying is, even if you DIDN’T have a mistress/mister, you should have, because people will assume that you did. Your image is going to be tarnished either way. You’re just going to have to live with that.

Now, you can try a do-gooder counterattack. Volunteer at a hospital. Take puppies to visit veterans. Get involved in lots of very public, very undeniably good-guy causes, preferably involving kittens. Of course, it might not stop people from thinking you’re a jerk. Especially if you did something really jerky. For instance, if you told your wife she’s too fat for you and then left her on her birthday for a 19-year-old “dancer,” you’re probably going to have to move to the third world and take care of AIDS babies for the rest of your life. And guess what? Most people will still think you’re a monster.

So the point is, if you’re a good person, you’re still a good person. Try not to let what other people think get you down. And if you’re a terrible person, you probably don’t care what people think, so you’re not going to go to all this trouble.