Submission

The other side of the headship issue is submission. Some men are fast to point out the places in Scripture where women are told to submit, while ignoring the commands to the husbands that come just before or after those verses. Personally, I do not feel I have much right to point to what she is supposed to do if I am not doing a good job with what I am supposed to do! I am NOT saying my failure justifies her failure, but I do know I am commanded to remove the log from my eye before I try to deal with whatever may be in her eye.

Our wives are told to submit, but nowhere are we told to push them to submit. We need to understand submission is voluntary. We have free will, and if God will not violate our free will to save us from hell, why would we think He would violate our will for anything else? If God does not force us, why do we think it would be acceptable in God’s eyes for us to try to force submission from our wives?

The best way to “get her to submit” is to woo her. If you love and protect her, she will be more likely to choose to submit. If you sacrifice for her and make it obvious you put her first, she will be more likely to choose to submit. If you demonstrate servant leadership, rather than trying to control or manipulate her, she will be more likely to choose to submit.

What if you do all that and she still chooses not to submit? I do not think anything you can do will be as effective as what God will do. Besides, if you try to do something about it, you will likely get in the way of what God wants to do about it.

A word to the wives: Yes, submitting is scary, and yes, your husband is imperfect and he is going to make mistakes. Thing is, God is good about helping and protecting those who are in His will, while those outside His will often find themselves outside His protection as well. I am NOT advocating doing anything that is wrong because your husband tells you to, and I am not advocating a shut up and do whatever without saying a word. For more, check Lori’s Submission Series.

"The best way to “get her to submit” is to woo her. If you love and protect her, she will be more likely to choose to submit. If you sacrifice for her and make it obvious you put her first, she will be more likely to choose to submit. If you demonstrate servant leadership, rather than trying to control or manipulate her, she will be more likely to choose to submit."

I agree with this, but there has to be a balance. My husband was doing much of what you share, but he was "passive" and it was like he feared me. All his "decisions" seemed to fall on making sure I was happy, and he would always default to "ask your mom" with the kids. He was inadvertently putting many decisions on my shoulders. He was trying to make me happy and to "live in peace", but I saw him as weak, and not a "worthy leader".

It took him casting off that "fear of man" (which included me), and to actually stand up and lead ("like a man"), for me to recognize that he was a man worth following.

What is ironic for the modern age is that due to the nature of sexual desire of a healthy husband, a wife can have far more power, control, and dominance through sexual submission than they ever could have with mere equality. The Bible gives opposite examples: Esther vs. Jezebel and Delilah. It is important for wives to recognize that they be cautious with that power. Joseph and Onan were the only men in the Bible to resist a woman, one right and one wrong.

One of the interesting facts about the marriage passage is that it is really an extension of the discussion immediately preceding about being filled with the Spirit. "Be filled with Spirit" is follow by 5 participles describing what the filling looks like. The 5th is "submitting to one another in the fear of Christ". The marriage passage then, is actually an illustration of how submitting to one another works out. The husband's laying down his life for his wife is an act of submission, to Christ and to his wife, and the filling of the Spirit is absolutely necessary to doing successfully.

"See, I have set before you today life and good, death and evil. If you obey the commandments of the LORD your God that I command you today, by loving the LORD your God, by walking in his ways, and by keeping his commandments and his statutes and his rules, then you shall live and multiply, and the LORD your God will bless you in the land that you are entering to take possession of it. But if your heart turns away, and you will not hear, but are drawn away to worship other gods and serve them, I declare to you today, that you shall surely perish. You shall not live long in the land that you are going over the Jordan to enter and possess. I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you and your offspring may live."

The Hebrew word there is Bachar, which means "to choose, elect, decide for".

@janna94 Great point. Jesus is anything but passive, and we are to follow His example. Trying to make someone happy is not leadership. Good leadership includes the well being of the other person, but that is not the same as trying to make them happy.

@marseille55 Good Point! A husbands submission to Christ FIRST provides a nice environment for a wife's obedience to the mandate to submit. This environment not only provides a safe place to do so, but also beautifies a wife's submission, particularly to the observing world around us. Her submission is already beautiful to Christ! - Joey

I think we are into semantics. If you see a choice with a horrible penalty for not making the choice a demand, I can go with that. It still is not done in a demanding way, but rather a calm giving of the results of each choice. I have no problem with a husband calmly explaining the results of choices. I would not call it demanding, but God does it so whatever we call it, it's fine.

Then of course we must discuss what right consequences would be. God is clear that disobedience is a horrible thing, and that there are inevitable consequence for disobedience. Those consequences are a part of life, and we don't have to do anything to bring on the "punishment". I don't see any biblical indication that a husband is to punish his wife for not obeying - do you?

All that aside, if say God demands, then He has also demanded that wives submit. If He has demanded it, and a woman has not obeyed, I doubt a man demanding it will be any different. A woman who does not respect God is not going to respect her husband! I'm not saying ignore it because it won't matter, but I doubt it will bring about change. I'd speak the truth in as much love as possible, then let God work on her heart. I find the Holy Spirit has a much better success rate than I do in dealing with sinful hearts!