How do you tell someone who is needy that they are asking for too much in a friendship?

My husband and I are friends with a lady who is very needy and has no family contact. We end up doing errands for her and giving rides more than we like. She is also a very negative person and probably a hypochondriac, although many of her medical problems are real. We are retired and trying to do the right... show more My husband and I are friends with a lady who is very needy and has no family contact. We end up doing errands for her and giving rides more than we like. She is also a very negative person and probably a hypochondriac, although many of her medical problems are real. We are retired and trying to do the right Christian thing but we feel like we are on call 7 days a week. We have decided we need to limit time and effort with her. Part of the problem is that other people in the community don't like her. We would like time for other friends and projects. What do we say to her when she wants to be included in our time with other people? Do we tell her the truth about how she puts people off and how would we do that without destroying her emotionally?

Trending Now

Answers

Best Answer: i wouldn't tell her that she puts people off because of her negativity - it sounds like she has enough on her plate already

however that doesn't mean that you ought to put up with it 24/7

i would make it plain that certain times you can guarantee being 'her' time with you but that you do need to be doing other things at other times.

that is a caring and compassionate christian thing to do - if she needs more than you can give then she can take it to the lord herself cant she?

some people need to start taking ownership for their own problems - and sometimes the more one gives to them they more they expect - and that interferes with their own sense of independence (and puts more unwanted burden onto you)

someone in genuine need will be appreciative of whatever help is offered and given - someone who wants others to take responsibility for their own lives and take them over will just have a sense of entitlement on those people - hence some space for yourselves is necessary for both of you (emergencies excepted of course)

Well, helping others is a good. BUT, there is a limit. As much as u want to help her, but first u've got to help her to be independent.
Teach her how to fish, rather than giving her the fish.

Tell her that she can contact u at a certain time, cause u have a tight schedule. Suggest her to do few things herself, and make her update u with the things that she did. Eg: buy grocery from supermarket.
U can call her to check if what she bought is enough. That way, she wont be indpendant on u and u have more time with the others, and i believe ur personal quality time with ur family.

Source(s): am a lawyer, i know how dehydrating it can be when ur "clients" depend on everything on u. There's thing that u can offer to help, some needs to be done themselves.

Anonymous · 1 decade ago

0

Thumbs up

0

Thumbs down

Report Abuse

Comment

Add a comment

Submit

· just now

I think a gentle avoidance would work best. Say, "I am sorry, but I am busy today. I can help you run errands on Saturday morning."

Say, "So sorry, but right now is not convenient. My hubby and I need some private time."

Learn to say no . . . but gently. How about suggesting that someone else help her? Say, "I have been so terribly busy lately. Perhaps you can hire one of the neighborhood teens to help you with that?" Then offer name and phone number of a teen who would like to earn some extra money (speak with the teen first, of course!).

You mention you are Christian. Can you speak with the pastor about this? Perhaps arrangements can be made to have others from the church take turns helping her. Or perhaps pastor has contacts with local social service agencies that can assist this woman.

I notice you write "no family contact" instead of no family. Is the family out of town? If so, perhaps you need to contact them. Sometimes out-of-town family members do not realize the needs and the seriousness of the situation. If this woman has family and you know how to contact them, you need to do so. Tell them the woman needs more care than you can provide. Tell them you are no longer able to help, and that they need to make appropriate arrangements.

It's hard with how big of hearts you have... I call these people "toxic friends" because they have a nac of somehow bringing you down some way or another. I would try and make yourself not so available to her. I am sure you will still want to help out but if you aren't available all the time it will force her to do one of two things; either gain some independence or find another couple to burden. You can still be there but on your own grounds. GL

Anonymous · 1 decade ago

0

Thumbs up

0

Thumbs down

Report Abuse

Comment

Add a comment

Submit

· just now

I was in a similar situation not to long ago and this person was always getting on everyones nerves. i always went along with her anyways even though i didn't like her. And my advice is to try to as nicely as possible that you would like some space, because you'll eventually pop and say something or do something you don't mean and then lose that persons friendship forever. That was my mistake, dont make the same mistake i did.

My parents had a friend exactly like that. Trust me, the only way she will stop is if you tell her flat out you think she i s being to dependent. My parents first started just kind of ignoring her calls a little bit but then once they'd call back, she would cry on the phone and tell them how alone and ignored she felt. It was horrible. We felt stalked 24/7. You've just got to tell her the truth.

just say no. or don't answer the phone when she calls. or just tell her that you are spending time with other friends for a while since you just spent time with her. She won't get the hint unless you come directly out and tell her.