EM: Hello out there! I am back and faced with a serious problem. All the new
warez people I used to write about, are gone! Not all, but almost all. I used
to rag on The Slutan, Robine Hude, Triple D, The Dung Master and some others
who were less fun, but the first three all got busted for phreaking {a riot,
but they aren't around to poke fun at anymore!} and Dung Master is nowhere to
be found. So you begin to appreciate the problems I face writing about new
warez people! They rotate "elites" too often to keep track of. My best rags
ever were The Rock and Gadget Slave, where are they now? I sure don't
know. Work is work, so I have to set my sights on who is left or who is new,
none of them are even worth the attention, but who am I supposed to write
about if all of them rotate so fast? I can always take the usual stab at
Disk Rider for selling his elite cracking secrets to Newarez Harbor, or Grape
Bandit for being such a liar about everything and turning into such a persona
non gratis, as a human. But what more can I say? even though both are doing
cheap, low and scummy things to make money, that's their business. Cold Rod?
Can't rag on him either, he doesn't do anything besides collect beer cans and
write space invaders copies. Exciting life. Anyway even I admit that Mauve Bag
is ok and that was just a cheap shot I could't resist. So I'm left with new
wares people to work with, such price art.
EM: Since new warez people all do more or less the same type of shitty little
things to each other and other people, I'll pick 6 names at random from the
latest crop. {reaching into the new warez people phone list and picking them
at random now}
EM: Look here, first one up is none other then {pause for dramatic effect}:
The Rabbitmen themselves! Wait a minute, editor! hey editor!
{What?}
EM: Is this for real?
{Is what for real?}
EM: The Rabbitmen? Who would name themselves something that lame?
{The Rabbitmen, that's who}
EM: Who are they and how am I supposed to write about them if I don't know
what they're doing?
{That's your problem, you're the MC}
EM: Oh all right, all right, go away you scum sucking pile of editorship you.
{That's $50 out of your next paycheck Elven.}
EM: Fuck you
{$75, want to go for $100}
EM: Uh.... no, no thanks. Go away and let me work.
EM: Since I'm short on time and short on things to ask these people, since they
don't do much, let's get going!
EM: Hello Rabbitmen! good to have you here.
RM: It's not good to be here, you're making us take time out from writing a
couple of lame rag files and besides, someone already did the Rabbitmen
Interviews, in all uppercase, trying {without success} to copy your original
style off the Tavern. A lot of us new warez people like to try to act like you,
you know?
EM: I know, that's because you're lame, even your attempts at borrowed humor
fall very short.
RM: We know, we can't help it.
EM: My update here says that in the short time you've been around, you've
somehow managed to get yourselves into wars with every other newarez group
around, why's that?
RM: We're worthless and need to center attention on ourselves in some way, so
if we can't crack and can't program, we get ourselves into as many wars as
possible, at least we get some attention that way.
EM: Makes sense in a new warez kind of way...... Do you think you could stop
doing that? I mean I care what Analog Gang, No Class, Catfur to Catfur and
you guys, have to say, about as much as I care about the mating habits of
siberian fleas. But without your "group" there to start them up, they stay
quiet, "crack" their wares, get into long drawn out disputes about who b942'd
a ware 36 seconds before anyone else, who double released who, and maybe add a
rag page or two, but we aren't forced to read all their attempts at humor in 4
part, 100 sector files that aren't funny.
RM: We can't stop, that's the only thing keeping our group together.
EM: I thought your "group" fell apart anyway. Didn't everyone quit or get
thrown out or something?
RM: We went on another members drive, we're back to full capacity again.
EM: Do you think you could keep your arguements on rag pages and your own
boards, so we aren't forced to see files explaing why the Crumb Monster took
a name from sesame street, or explanations of why King Sauron is a original
name and other great info like this?
RM: We'll try, but I'm afraid we don't "crack" enough wares to keep up with
our shit list and rags.
EM: Try harder.
RM: Ok we will, can we go now?
EM: Yes, get out of my sight.
RM: Thanks.
EM: God, that was bad. I'd forgotten how awful it is trying to talk with new
warez people. I hate this job. {Randomizing another name}, it looks like we
have with us, none other then: The Trucker!
EM: Hey TT, good to have you with us. So....... who are you anyway?
TT: You mean you haven't heard of me?!??! I'm the best sysop, programmer,
text file writer, pirate, everything!!!!!!!
EM: Your name doesn't remind me of anything, want to give me some examples of
things you've done?
TT: Sure! I always love to talk about myself. The first thing I ever wrote was
a patch for catsend.
EM: Oh, you fixed it up for long distance?
TT: No, no, I added a 8 phase spinning cursor and made it lose characters when
you typed faster then 5 words a minute.
EM: Hey, that's cool! I think I remember that one, you put like these
)=-++*&^%{([> The Trucker! The Infiltrat0r! #3 The Infiltrat0rz! L0D/L0H/L0C <======-
\!The S0phtware Brigardz!#1!/
++_+) The Baud Thieves! (+_++
+* Metal Avengerz Elite!!! *+
==] !C0tt0n Sh0ppe Elite! [==
[!S0pht/]-[ard/Ph!rm/Freakz!]
(>Phake/Phalse/Ph0ny/Ph00lz< ]_00ther, takes the "Real world? whats that, isn't that like when I call
a number on my modem or copy some books by hand or something?" award. He'll be
eligible f0r the even m0re prestig0us Platnum D!pshit 0skar M0tem Award, if he
sticks around for at least 2 m0re years. (Talk about no life!)
And the prestige fulled G0lden Fr00tkake award goes to three people as a
k0mmunitye eph0rt! n0ne 0ther than ]_0r[> [>!g!ta]_, ]TKOS
$=$=$=$Fargo 4a
<=-*-=>Phreak Sysop!
{BIOC's signiture fluctuated betwwen 4 and 10 lines depending on what he was
a member of, or what he was calling at the time. This is one dude who never
let it go at "BIOC" or anything like that.}
Majestically Yours,
King Blotto
Lod/H
.../\^ Lord Digital ^/\...
)=-> TKOS