"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR Seth Meyers - "During the State of the Union address Tuesday, President Obama proposed a series of measures to help the economy that would not increase the deficit "by a single dime." And then John Boehner rolled his eyes so hard he saw his brain."

MEYERS - "Rock star and pro-gun activist Ted Nugent attended the State of the Union on Tuesday. So it was a long, nervous evening for Colorado's Senator Muledeer."

MEYERS - "After being crippled at sea for five days, the Carnival cruise ship Triumph was towed into port in Mobile, Alabama. Finally ending the vacation that couples aboard will forever remember as 'his idea'".

MEYERS - "Senators John McCain and Lindsay Graham this week said they would not proceed with the nomination of Chuck Hagel for Secretary of Defense until the Obama Administration provided more information about last year's Benghazi attack. Then, and only then, will they return to their balcony seats on the Muppet Show."

MEYERS - "This Monday marked the start of the annual Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show - which is the busiest week of the year for New York City's dog prostitutes."

MEYERS - "A new study shows that 30 percent of coworkers who date end up getting married. While the other 70 percent end up taking the long way to the copier."

MEYERS - "The NASA scientist known as "Mohawk Guy," who was part of the team that landed the Curiosity Rover on Mars, on Tuesday sat with First Lady Michelle Obama at the State of the Union. And if we're lucky they are teaming up to star in the new buddy cop show 'Mohawk and Bangs'".

MEYERS - "A 10 ton meteorite was seen Friday morning in the skies above Russia, triggering a shock wave that injured thousands of people and blew out windows. Which coincidentally is Vladimir Putin's origin story."

MEYERS - "Massachusetts police arrested a man after he received a Valentine's Day teddy bear through the mail that was stuffed with 10,000 dollars worth of crystal meth. Police became suspicious when they pulled the string on the teddy bear and he FREAKED OUT."

MEYERS - "Members of a militant feminist group, marched topless into Paris' Notre Dame cathedral to celebrate the resignation of Pope Benedict. Convincing at least one worshipper to think that prayer actually does work."

MEYERS - "In an effort to save the endangered cheetah, some zoos are pairing up cheetah cubs with puppies to help teach the cheetahs how to thrive while in captivity. Which is the cutest thing you'll ever see, followed by the most horrifying thing you'll ever see."

MEYERS - "According to a new study, certain species of birds grow larger beaks when they are trying to mate. Which means this guy is actually cuckoo for something other than Cocoa Puffs."