UCF Replaces Parking Services Staff with Ex-United Airlines Employees

April 17, 2017

UCF Parking Services held a press conference early Monday announcing the replacement of their enforcement division with employees from United Airlines. “We’ve had a pretty mediocre year so far with collection on tickets” stated Parking Services coordinator Jimmy Lakeworth. “Parking services has attempted multiple strategies towards increasing revenue such as creating artificial obstructions in parking spaces to removing hanging decals from the rearview mirrors of unlocked cars, but we’ve decided that the area that we are weakest in is the actual collection on the ticket fines themselves.”

Parking Services explained they were inspired by United Airline’s dedication towards limited spaces and extended the hand to some recently terminated employees to try and start a pilot program at UCF that encouraged more “hands-on” parking enforcement on campus.

Freshman Nicholas Riviera told Stallion reporters “I walked outside my ENC101 class today and I saw guys in shirts that had ‘United Airways’ crossed out with sharpie, literally dragging my car out of the parking lot.” Another anecdote comes from sophomore Bradley Sandon who detailed a harrowing experience where he had parked and quickly ran to the bathroom. “I was just about to wash my hands when I heard them come into the bathroom. I could feel it. The tension in the air. You could smell the zealous attitude. They had acquired a taste for dragging students now. They wanted to someone to satisfy that need and that someone was going to be me. They knocked on each bathroom stall until they came to mine. After what felt like an eternity they turned up their noses and sniffed. I suppose they could smell another car being illegally parked. I was saved.”

With the new drag and pull technique Parking services has already reported a pleasant reduction in towing costs coupled with an increase in fines paid.

When asked where the cars were being dragged Parking Services announced they had built a new parking lot X for this very purpose. When asked to comment on the financial security of this option in comparison to building an additional lot for students they stated “That’s absurd. This is a much cheaper solution. What’s the worst that could go wrong, a couple complaints on social media?”

“I guess the only side effect of this all is that we seem to be dragging around a lot of cars owned by asian premedical students” elaborated parking services coordinator Lakeworth. “Kind of weird if you ask me.”

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