The Transportation: Grab a deep dish and kick it on the El train. The El, short for ‘Ella Friggen Awesome, can get you anywhere in the city above or below ground. In the span of about 40 minutes you can escape the SouthSide and Leroy Brown, hop off at LaSalle to lay some action on Hog Futures at the Merc, and shoot 6 stops north to cap it off with some Old Style at Wrigley. Bam! Chicago in 40. Eat that Rachel Ray.

The Guts – Bears, Bulls, Blackhawks, Cubs. It just sounds like a partner’s meeting at the Devil’s round table.

The President: Chitown Obama. With intel, anyone clips Osama. To make it count, that takes calculated Chicago drive.

The Talent: 2nd City Comedy Club. You know it or you don’t. I didn’t, but I do now and I’m a loving it. Perhaps you’ve seen the short running clip show, Saturday Night Live. Belushi, Akroyd, Short, Carrell, etc. The list is astounding. The 2nd City is the Oakland Athletics of NY comedic talent. You break ground in the Chi, you get paid out in the Apple.

The Pizza: Deep dish. Deep love. Nuff’ said.

The Bean: Gage and the jelly belly in Millennium Park.

The Nicknames: Chi City. Windy City. 2nd city (Because it burned down and had to be rebuilt, NOT because it’s 2nd to NYC), The Chi or Chi Ill, The City that Works (coined by Mayor Richard J. Daley….More on him later), The C, The Breeze, My Kind of Town (Nice work Sinatra, you know your glorious blue eyes always rested on the Chi), and my favorite….New Gotham. Probably says something that Hollywood actually shunned the Big Apple and turned to Chicago to film The Dark Knight.

The Gangster: Capone.

The Gangster II: Black political ops. Wait, the Chicago river canals are polluting the water supply in Lake Michigan? Well reverse the flow of course! Which Cook County officials did in the early 1900’s, by reverting all of Chicago’s river sewage in a 180 degree to their neighbors to the south. Who the heck cares about Missouri anyway? Chicago literally told the people of St. Louis to eat their shit. That’s gangster.

The Theo Epstein: Outgoing letter from BoSox Management – “One time this gentleman rescued me from drowning in a pool, pulled me out, resuscitated me, roundhouse kicked Chuck Norris, and 2 years later won me a championship for the first time in 100 years. He even went on to win me another championship 3 years later. So naturally I fired him last year and he went on to manage control of the Chicago Cubs.” #BoSoxmissTheo

Turtle Racing: Apparently Chitown cornered the market on this thing. Basically, you put a ticket in a bucket and hope that your baby Yertle slowly walks off the plank first, and you earn yourself a free shot. I hitched my wagon to the Corona turtle and went 2-2. Gage remains 0-12.

The Architecture: Frank Lloyd Wright, The Bean, Holy Trinity, The Robie House, Millennium, Buckingham Fountain, and of course the Sears Tower (Wait what, Willis Tower?!? Who the heck do you think you are Willis Family? I got Kirk Russell on my speed dial and he will straight Backdraft that entire building if you don’t return the Sears’ naming rights).

The Richard M. Daley: I’m going to close out with an awesome story. Back in 2003, fresh off his 5th successive mayoral election, Richie M. secretly decided to bulldoze an entire active Chicago lakefront airport at 1am after city commissioners blocked his closing the airway. Daley’s goal was to use the waterfront property as a public attraction. Foreseeing future litigation and political pressure from people like the ever integral Governor Rod Blagojevich, Daley simply bulldozed the flight deck and gave a big middle finger to City Hall. Citing national security concern issues due to flight patterns near downtown buildings, Daley actually stated, “Mickey get’s a no fly zone, so does Chicago” (referring to Orlando’s Disneyworld actually being granted several flight restrictions). This doesn’t happen anywhere but the Chi. Best part, Daley’s punishment…..standing ovation. That’s gangster.