Thursday, October 10, 2013

Which Way Is Up?

Have you ever found yourself wondering which way to go?

So, I have found myself at a cross roads in life...and sometimes I guess its always best to write down how you feel in case it happens again you can look back on the situation, so where to start, it has been a while since I have really blogged and its because I am afraid of who is reading if it might cause a problem and I am so over issues or drama or screaming matches...

Have you ever lost everything that you worked so hard for?

Have you had to move in with family cause you have no other options?

That has been my life for the last 13 months and some days are definitely better then others.

But then again I am sure you already knew that!

I find myself stressing so much these days over such small things like when am I going to be able to spend time with a friend or talk to someone who actually cares, I have learned over the last 13 months most people do not care, they are in it for themselves and if they can get something from you then they are happy, if they think they can't they have no use for you.

My heart broke a few weeks back after a big fight with my mother in law, I had said some very mean things to her, even cussed at her which i should never have done, but then again I was responding to the attitude I was being given, I am not innocent by any means here however, I wouldn't have done that if I wasn't provoked. I was raised to believe that you never speak to anyone that way especially a mother no matter if she is yours or not.

So, after this big blow out things got very rough for a while, and then things calmed down...

I had found out some things that were being said about me and my partner by her to other family members behind our backs, now I knew she would say stuff normally there was some truth behind it but now I find out all she was saying was lies, and that's what hurt I think more then anything, I am always hearing from her "you like to play the victim and I am always the villain" well this time to her whole family she was the victim and we were the villeins which really hurt...I have always offered to help if I can, fed and gave.

To hear I was taking advantage and using her is what truly hurt...

I know its mindless dribble to everyone else but I have wanted nothing more then to have her like me...

I moved back to Florida with the assumption that she was going to treat me like her family, sadly I didn't know how she treated them, not that I do I am not surprised that I get treated the way I do...

I guess you can call me a soft heart the more I am treated like crap the more I try to make her like me and I guess that is on me and I can not hold anyone else responsible for it...

I wish it was different and I wish I would wake up tomorrow and her have a smile on her face and just hear the words "thank you."

Well, I guess that is my wishful thinking, even her own children tell me to take it with a grain of salt and tell me not to cry over it, I guess I should have learned by now...

1 comment:

I'm so sorry that you are not making any progress, it seems like even though it would make you ecstatic, it seems as if you are not going to make her like you...take it as a lesson, you have a huge heart and if you continue to wear your heart on your sleeve you will continue to get scarred. Enough wounds any you may become bitter...that's not how I know you. And BTW, I care, all I want from you is your reciprocal friendship...