Monday, November 3, 2008

If you leave me now....

Read each word of this song.

If you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of meNo baby please don't goIf you leave me now, you'll take away the very heart of meNo baby please don't go

A love like ours is love that's hard to findHow could we let it slip awayWe've come too far to leave it all behindHow could we end it all this wayWhen tomorrow comes well both regretThings we said today

A love like ours is love that's hard to findHow could we let it slip awayWe've come too far to leave it all behindHow could we end it all this wayWhen tomorrow comes we'll both regretThings we said today

If you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of meNo baby please don't goOh girl, just got to have you by my side

No baby, please don't go

Oh mama, I just got to have your lovin, yeah

We've come too far to leave it all behind.

Just after having finished crying alot and realizing that I have not cried so much in my life ever since I have been with G. Be it 'happy' crying, 'missing you' crying or 'what is happenning with us' crying. Yes, I am to most people's surprise overtly sensitive. It surprises me also, sometimes.

G and I have not been talking the way we do. It is tiny yet, there are issues, there is being upset, there is the 'wrong time for pampering'. I am being a pain in his ass. I seem to be finding everything wrong in whatever he says or does. It reminded me of what my ex said to me "I am not meant for relationships." Like a fool (or not) I believed him and maybe still do.

G has issues with my weight. I know. I understand. But either he still does not know or has forgotten that pushing me towards something makes me averse to it. Joke or not. I have all of a sudden begun to take this a little too seriously. I know how to take things lightly. This time G is probably over doing it. This time I am not being demanding or unreasonable. This is hurting me.

It has nothing to do with me not being able to come to terms with my boyfriend not liking me the way I am. Come on! Lets get real - WEIGHT IS AN ISSUE. But it makes me feel like it is probably too big an issue for him. Or... forget it... He is just overdoing it, I know. I am over doing it. I am over reacting. I am getting overtly sensitive.

A relationship never has problems. Its we, who have issues with ourselves.

I have it too. I was going to blame it all on my relationship to the extent of stop seeing a future with him. I stopped. Could that be a solution? My mind blocked. I could not talk to myself. I could not hear me. I just needed some time off. For over four months I have been nothing but a 'woman in love'. It was high time I needed to be with myself. To be away. Even from G. Maybe specially from him.

Decided to switch off my cellphones and just hibernate without caring about any important call or messege. Just when I decided this and come online to update my blog. G is online. Makes me hear a song. "I've already heard it.""I am sad. Very sad.""Why?""Making you hear good songs is only my job."I wanted to hug him so bad at that moment. Did not.

We spoke. Me, rather coldly, making efforts to sound normal. I keep my headphones away. Playing chess on the internet, my eyeballs catch 'Realplayer : If you leave...' I wear the headphones. It is the first song that G dedicated to me. We love it and we mean it. Decide against switching off the cellphones and come to my blog.

It would be so hard for me to not talk to G. It was probably one of my terrible mood swings and phases where I get extremely pessimistic about my relationship and start finding cracks where it is hard to find. I broke up with my ex a billion times in four years because of my same attitude. He finally got engaged when I last broke up with him and vanished from his life without saying anything.

I do not want to make the same mistake. I love him a little too much than my capacity allows. It really is 'unconditional'. Even though he sounds like my father allot of times (Yes, I am not one of those girls who like to marry men like their fathers. My father is a great guy, by the way.), I will still marry him. And if he hurts me no, I'll sit on him and kill him with my weight. JERK! ASSHOLE! SWINE! BUGGER!

I hate him, I swear!

BITCH!

I love you G! If you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me...

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.Kisses.

P.S. : I still need time off. I still need a break from him. But not now. I am enjoying being the 'woman in love'.

16 comments:

dear, "breakup" is no BFD..so honest so true ..a couple of days back i had ma breakup with ma girl n yeh that hurts with pleasure (atleast i can enjoy ma night peacefully without ma earphones on)...but i really liked ur openness..ignited up woh "purani yaadein,those discourses"in ma neurons...now that hurts ,yeh now that hurts...complicated heart....

It reminded me of what my ex said to me "I am not meant for relationships." Like a fool (or not) I believed him and maybe still do.

don't believe it. the fact that you love G so much proves how much you are meant for relationships, that too long-term ones.

it's just a phase which will pass, probably G is too busy with work .. and that makes him say that it's the wrong time for pampering. yeah we cannot expect the same sweetness in every conversation. there are some cold- days. and there are hot ones too :) we can only be patient and happy for our guys. insecurity is one thing men (in love) find hard to deal with .. they feel that there must be something wrong with them that the woman they love does not feel 'happy' and cries even when they love her so much..

G has issues with my weight. I know. I understand.

nobody is perfect.. even G must have some flaws (i know you think he doesn't) hehehe but yeah, pushing someone to do something does make them averse to it.. and i hope he realises that. you know that weight is an issue. it would be for anyone! it does matter.. but true that it shouldn't be made into such a big deal as the ONLY deal. you could tell him very sweetly not to be mean & that you are making efforts.. and it will do you good if he could be a little patient.

Decided to switch off my cellphones and just hibernate without caring about any important call or messege

i have done this. only for a minute though. i couldn't deal with it. its just wrong to shut him off from my life even for a minute. how can i do that. its like punishing myself only. good you didn't. and how sweet of him to make you listen to the song! :)

Can't stop reading ur posts. Im in office and i hv to work but somehow i cant concentrate on my work. U write amazing. The way u feel, the way u think, the way u express urself, the way u describe the love for G, the sex thoughts....its like u are me! One difference ... i dont hv weight issues...so i cant feel the way u feel...

anytime sweetheart! after all, i am a girl who has been in a long distance relationship for 4 years now and we are hoping that 2009 turns out to be the most special year for us..

it's all about patience, communication, LOTS OF LOVE and faith.

i used to be horribly insecure in the first year and he lost his temper a zillion times but with time, we have grown up in this relationship and so will you because i know that the way you guys feel about each other has a lot of depth