It was announced by University officials on Friday that Syracuse would be adding four new majors and a minor to their curriculum. The new majors are “Greekonomics, Waiting For the Bus to South, Talking to Old People and one major simply called “Snow.” The minor is a concentration within the Talking to Old People major that focuses on learning about their grandchildren.

Greekonomics focuses mainly on the day to day operations of fraternities. Core courses in this major include, but are not limited to: GRK 142: Day Drinking, GRK 192: Watching Entourage, and GRK 254: Making Event T-Shirts. Upon graduation, those who receive a bachelor of science in Greekonomics will be qualified to work the door at a frat party. The projected starting salary for this major is approximately 2,000 dollars a year, a pack of cigarettes and “chiiicks, dude.”

Waiting For the Bus to South has been met with a surprisingly high volume of interested prospective majors. “I didn’t realize that i had been racking up core requirements just by waiting to go home all this time.” says Syracuse Junior, and veteran South Campusite, Jason Yates. “I got stuck in a snowstorm last year and had to wait way longer than normal, so I’m actually a second semester Junior right now. There are some hard aspects of the major. I almost failed the “Not Making Eye Contact” test Sophomore year because I forgot my iPod, but normally I’m pretty good at what I do. I’m supposed to have an internship at the NYC Subway this Summer so I’m crossing my fingers for that to happen.”

The newest major, “Snow,” is designed to be a dual major that
complements literally any other program Syracuse offers. All students
who’ve been here for at least one Winter have the requirements, and
freshmen will have them “soon enough.” according to the chair of the
department, Nathan Greene. The program is still under development, but
professors are currently implementing a final project that involves
driving a 2 door sedan with no brakes down University Ave. on the iciest
day of the year.

Talking to Old People has been a controversial major thus far, but
officials feel that there is a definitive need for the program, and
where there is a need, there is a demand. The demand has been so high,
in fact, that the program is now invitation only. “We’ve made it
invitation only, but not in the way you would think.” explained program
chair, and veteran senior citizen, Larry Mullen. “When a student does
something that is just completely out of the realm of acceptable in
front of an elderly person, they get referred to the major. It’s not a
punishment, though, it’s just here to fulfill a real need. Some students
will just benefit way more from this major than they would their
previous one in Liberal Arts or Sociology.” Acceptable reasons to be
referred to the major include: calling a professor “shawty,” letting
your Ke$ha ringtone go off more than one time in any course–regardless
of professor’s age, and owning anything from Urban Dictionary’s online
store.

“We’d rather them be in a virtually skill-less program of study than have them lose their first job because they brought it in for a hug when their potential employer went to shake their hand.” Mr. Mullen explained. “The minor is more focused on interpersonal relationships with the elderly than the major is. To complete the minor, a student is paired up with a local nursing home resident in a “buddy system” type program. Feedback from both students and their “big buddies” has been wildly positive so far. “

“Now I get a 20 dollar bill on my birthday from two grandparents!” exclaimed Junior, Alex Pulani.

“Now I have two grandchildren who never call!” exclaimed Alex’s senior citizen, Eddie Flats.

Picking classes at SU is a skill. Yes, some luck plays a role but ask any upper classman and they’ll tell you that preparation is key. So your friends at Campus Basement have complied a list of the five best classes to take next semester. If you can somehow take all five of these classes... MORE »

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“What the hell is going on?” Professor Tim Studdard whispered to himself as he walked into his Sophomore Biology section early this morning. This was a Monday just like every Monday before, except something was not quite right; No students were present in Studdards’ 300 seat Bio lecture. Professors all over Syracuse University were facing... MORE »

Photo Credit: Daily Orange, Joey Baker Professor Laurence Thomas is known at Syracuse for his crazy antics, constant swearing, and his black/Jewish heritage. Oh, and he also teaches Philosophy. A lot of you should remember that hullabaloo that occurred when Professor Thomas attacked Nancy Cantor’s diversity policies through his personal website. This time, Professor Thomas... MORE »

April 27th was no ordinary Friday for Katrina Locke; nor was it for any other Syracuse student. It was a very special Friday: the mythical day known as Mayfest. Katrina, a lover of electronic music and raspberry alcohol, had pumped herself up for weeks upon weeks over Mayfest’s arrival. “This year will be different. This... MORE »

“I’m a reasonable man. I have no issues with a sorority girl loving her big. I get that it’s the 21st century. I’ll tell you what I do have a problem with: her shoving it in my face, and down my throat.” Said the student who wished to remain anonymous. “Okay, you love your big.... MORE »

With the news of Emma Roberts and John Cusack filming at Syracuse University buzzing around campus, many students were interested in much more than just spotting the two stars. Allegedly, Newhouse student after Newhouse student have approached the two “Adult World” stars hoping to cast one of them as the star for their TRF class... MORE »

In a strange and surprising turn of events Sunday afternoon, Syracuse University announced that they would be ‘fixing’ the university in response to the popular SU memes page. “We had no idea that tuition was so high. We were positively stunned when we were informed by Scumbag Steve.” said a representative from Syracuse University. “I... MORE »

Dunkin’ Donuts by Marshall St.–So you’re a purist, eh? The one in Schine just doesn’t meet all your caffeine-related needs? I bet you complain that the Taco Bell in Kimmel “just isn’t the same.” Well, it isn’t, but it’s not like you’ve ever been there sober anyway. Starbucks on Marshall St.–Arguably the best cup of... MORE »

1. On every essay exam, write 4 different ‘options’ as answers. On multiple choice exams, write long descriptions of your answer in the margins. Tell her you just don’t ‘get’ testing. 2. No matter what the subject matter is, whenever a question is asked in class, always relate your answer to Harry Potter. Hitler—>Voldemort. Jesus—>Harry.... MORE »

In response to a recent attempt by other Syracuse dorms to overthrow the residents of the posh residence hall, Ernie Davis, a competition has been organized that will ultimately kill two residents of each of the other SU residence halls. “We really wanted to make this competition our own. There are too many humanitarian groups... MORE »

This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite! Peel Otto open. Crawl inside. Burrow yourself. Were talking two birds here: food and warmth. Let the force be with you. Pay a group of freshmen... MORE »

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This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite!Top Reasons Why The Christmas Sweater Was Invented So that there was one weekend of Winter that girls could go out and party without freezing their asses... MORE »

In a strange turn of events on Friday afternoon, the Westboro Baptist Church announced that they were not going to be protesting over the Bernie Fine scandal at Syracuse, but would instead be picketing Fab Melo’s new haircut. Westboro Baptist Church is known for its offensive and ultra-conservative politics. “His haircut is strange, it makes... MORE »

After the events that occurred on UC Davis’s and Berkeley’s campuses this past month, many people expected that the universities would strive to protect their reputations through support for peaceful protests and apologies for their resident police departments’ actions. Not the case. In fact, the UC system announced today that it would begin routine beatings... MORE »

In an unexpected turn of events this week–and likely an unapologetic publicity stunt to remind students that Student Association exists so that they’ll vote for president–Student Association has cut the budget for Syracuse University itself. Robert Rane, the University official who was assigned to attend the meeting to acquire funding for the University,... MORE »