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9.30.2009

Well, today was "The Day". The day to confirm that I could start my injections and all the fun stuff that follows (like 5-10 extra lbs I'm told). I went this morning, and I am not kidding you, I was shaking like a leaf. I can talk in front of people with little or no problem, used to advise people on their financial difficulties, and have plain just experienced a lot in the last few years. But this had me completely on edge.

Anyway, I made my way to the appointment and the actual appointment could not have gone better. We started with the bloodwork and then the baseline ultrasound - which showed approximately 8-9 follicles on my left ovary and 9-10 on my right ovary (The follicles are where the hopefully mature eggs are going to come from). They are always hestitant to give averages - but I hear this was pretty good and my nurse said everything looked "GREAT". So I felt GREAT.

Then onto med injection lessons.

Wow.

I certainly don't think I am the brightest star in the sky but I'm not a complete moron. This kind of made me feel like a moron. I asked a bazillion and one questions but luckily my nurse was more than happy (well, she may feel differently) to spend a quality hour reviewing this stuff with me. So I received my tenative schedule for all the meds - it's kind of mindblowing and if I ever figure out how to post it up here, I will.

So I left there feeling completely confident, "I can do all" - women-power kind of thing.

Came home, was still on a fertility high I guess, emailed and called all my folks who give a darn.

Cooked dinner, had a glass of wine. All was looking well. But the injections were staring me in the face.

The Meds. For today.

It was time.

I had Matt go get me yogurt to celebrate the occasion because any medical crisis should involve ice cream. I sprung for the cookies n cream. (which I have not eaten by the way, b/c I am writing this - but it will be eaten and soon)

Pre-shot excitement - whoo hoo - we have our own bio hazard box!

So while he was getting yogie, I started setting up my "area". Cotton swabs, needles, pluggie things, powders, fluids, and who knows what.

At last minute, I decided to change from the original recommendation of putting them both together and only having one injection to doing them separately. I just got too stressed to have to mix all that stuff and was having massive brain freezes like I had in history 3001 classes in college.

First shot up - Menopur. Small needle. I like that. Mixed the powder (the expensive stuff) and the sodium stuff (not expensive) - done. I'm a champ. Insert needle, pull back on syringe, grab belly and push. ummm pushed maybe a little too hard b/c some dripped on the floor. Yikes, mistake #1.

Push it aside, we gotta another one to go.

2nd one - Gonal F. It's a handy syringe that is pre-filled. Well, seems handy until you can't actually tell if the liquid is released into your body BECAUSE IT PRE-FILLS BACK UP. nice.

Pretty sure I double injected that one.

Prompt panic call to the on-call nurse who immediately dispatches me to my nurse. OOOps sorry Vanessa - didn't mean to ruin your evening, but I'm pretty sure I just double-dosed myself. She had me run through what I did exactly and then her diagnosis came. "Yup, you double dosed"

But then the good news. She would rather me double dose than not have a dose. And thank God for them checking levels all.the.time. This stuff can totally be adjusted. Freak out panic attack semi over.

After my double-dose and triple stick. Awesome.

Now I am ready for bed. I've cried 3 times today. I'm pretty sure it's not hormone related but I'm going to go ahead and blame it on a pre-hormone related syndrome. Sounds good to me.

For your viewing pleasure and for my posterity, I have uploaded pictures of the last days I will have a semi flattish belly. I kid you not, when Matt took this picture, he was like "quit sucking in!!".

Pre-Belly shot (and the last time I will post a flat belly shot on the web)

"Umm, why would I if it's going to be posted on the world wide web. I will suck in and suck in and suck in until there is no air left in my body."

So Day 1 Wrap-Up - a success and a sorta failure. Tomorrow will be better. I have been assured though that I have not caused any irreparable harm. However, if I don't get pregnant, you know this day will probably haunt me - what if?... ok, no more negative thoughts - lots more shots to look forward to! And one more night to enjoy a semi-flat, yet slightly bruised belly!

9.27.2009

So the impending injection date draws ever so near (This Weds - yikes!!!!!). And as it grows closer, I get a little more nervous with every passing hour. It's not the needles that bother me, thank God. With all of my previous surgeries/ER visits/drs appts - I am not afraid of needles or even fearful of injecting myself. That stuff just doesn't bother me.

What bothers me is what all of the needle pokes actually mean.

It is the first real chance that Matt & I have to conceive - and I am so scared.

What if I haven't done enough to prepare?

Have I read enough?

Have I researched enough?

Have I gotten my body in the best possible shape to deal with this "stuff"?

And more importantly, have I emotionally prepared myself enough for this roller coaster?

I don't know.

I don't know that you are ever ready for children.

In fact, I am pretty sure you never really are.

But here we are. We have a potential time table and if it works, a due date to look forward to. And be scared of just the same.

This isn't really like me - the whole "scared" thing. Generally speaking, when I decide I am going to do something big, then consequences be damned - and I go with it full speed ahead and usually just fly through it. This feels different. Maybe because it affects way more than just me.

It will affect my husband, my family, my friends who have followed me on this journey. And I don't want to be sad. And I don't want them to be sad either.

But I have to keep going back to where I started - that I believe God has paved the way for this to happen for us - positive or negative result (pun intended). There is a reason. Of that I am confident and 100% sure. Doesn't mean that I can't be scared I guess. :)

However, one of my friends shared with me that in the Bible, God says "Fear not" 365 times exactly. One for each day of the year. He's got us covered every single day. If that can't bring me some measure of comfort, I don't know what will.

On a slightly different but somewhat related note ---what happens when a girl has a lot of nervous energy, tons of thoughts running through her crazy brain?

She decides to clean out the closet.

This was harder than just deciding what doesn't fit anymore or what I don't like. I felt some pressure to hold onto some of my "larger" clothes because they may (hopefully) be needed soon. There isn't a huge assortment of these items in my closet now but enough to make me stop & think before I tossed it in the goodwill bag. Mostly jeans and stuff - which happen to take up the most room space-wise, unfortunately.

I really didn't realize how much weight I gained post-Hurricane and with the subsequent move to Houston - until I found some old pictures on i-photo this past weekend and was kind of fascinated how I could grow like that. Weird to look back and think at the time I didn't realize it. Or I guess care really care about it. But before you say anything --- I am not talking a huge amount of weight and I don't have a complex about it (ok,well, maybe a little, teensy, eensy one)--- but enough weight for me to see a dramatic difference in before and after. I guess grief does weird things to people. Some people don't eat after traumatic events. I apparently join the group that partcipates in the overreating and spinach & artichoke dip appetizer indulging. Plus, I am only 5'3 and every little pound shows up. If I was 5'10, then it wouldn't really matter as much.

Oh geez, I can't tell a lie. I'm like 5'1 on a good day with a slight heel.

Anyway, I was able to get through enough "stuff" to fill up 2 massive suitcases of clothes and shoes. I think what I found most pathetic, besides the number of clothes I have only worn a time or two (or the "few" that I have not worn at all - yes, Matt, I am admitting it to the world!) - is the fact that my daily uniform is some variation on Target pj pants, scrub tops, tshirts and athletic shorts. My "dressing up" days are limited to one or two weekend nights & church. And even for church I sometimes only manage to pull on a church tshirt & jeans. Pretty sad. I have cute clothes I guess - just nowhere to wear them. I found out quickly that the dog could care less if I am dressed to the nines or not.

I am currently awaiting a call from "What Not to Wear". However, they would have trouble catching the daytime footage of me since I rarely leave the house except to check the mail. I can only imagine my impressive array of tshirts and cotton pjs will only grow as I do (prayerfully). And then I will really be ready for Stacy & Clinton. I can already see them pitching my thousands of tshirts into a massive garbage can and exclaiming that no self-respecting woman should be caught dead in this many variations of Champion workout clothes. Especially if you haven't actually worked out in days.

Anyway, so the closet is done. Next up, the drawers. Oh, the joy. And besides the "Great Clean-out of '09" assisting with my nerves, I guess I am just expecting the worst when these hormones start coursing through my veins. I am preparing to feel fat, gross and tired - and not much for clean out madness. I started having a mini panic attack thinking of the other guest bedroom clothes full of boxes and clothes that have haphazardly been stored away. If we do get preggers, I have some major work ahead of me to make room for baby. I know, we are talking about something that is 10-11 months away - but that is so me - start worrying about something that hasn't even happened. Nice, Meg.

In other random news - tonight I have my first knitting lesson (in an effort to become more balanced & find a more respectable hobby than watching tv or playing on facebook). Our first project? You guessed it... a baby hat. Apparently, that's one of the easier things to learn. So if invitro doesn't work, someone has an adorable baby hat coming to them. Or maybe I'll just Goodwill it along with everything else.

9.23.2009

Well, I have to admit I was getting worried. In both of the last 2 posts, I promised my entire mass of 2 readers an infertility-free blog post.

So I sat and waited. And did some thinking. And waited some more. I had nuthin'. Zero. Not that my whole life has been consumed by this invitro crud --- well, actually it kind of has. But I just can't say there's been a whole lot of remarkable things happening in the Clanahan household. Nothing really blog worthy at least. The past week truly has been crammed full of work, meetings, carnivals, driving, driving some more, more night meetings, sleep and more work.

The past 2 days I actually have been so busy for work that I haven't made it to the shower before 5:00pm. Well, I don't know if I can blame that on work as much as I can just plain laziness - but still. Pretty sad. My goal now is to be showered with hair partially dry by the time Matt gets home just so he doesn't know that I hang out in my Target finest loungewear all day.

Not that I am lounging. Because I am sooooo not. I just stare at a computer monitor all day, answer emails and attempt to write clever newsletters and bulletin items.

I would like to take this moment to clear up a few misconceptions of people who work from home though.

Just because I work from home does NOT mean that I am responsible for keeping a sparkling house. I work 8-10 hour days and that does not include time for laundry folding.

I'm just saying. No one's said anything to me - yet - but I sometimes see that questioning look in my sweet husband's tired eyes when he comes home and the dishwasher has yet to be unloaded and there are clothes strewn about. I tell him to pretend I was at an office all day b/c all be darned if I am going to feel guilty for working full-time from home and not cleaning during my work hours.

Ok, now that I've gotten that off my chest -- I finally do have some blog fodder to write about. I should have known all it would take was a trip to Wal Mart at 7am. Yes, in the morning. Because I am a huge procrastinator.

I volunteered to cook a meal for a family at church this week. I agreed to do this Sunday so I have had more than ample time to get my rear to the grocery store. However, it was POURING on Monday & Tuesday afternoon - and while Wal Mart is bad at 5:30pm on just a regular afternoon, throw a little mini-hurricane in there, and it's just downright miserable.

So in order to not subject my freshly washed hair to the perils of Wally World yesterday (does it really make sense by the way to shower & clean up prior to going to Wal Mart??? I'm just going to let you think about that one for a second), I decided to head out at 7am today.

Why so early? Well, because I happen to be expecting a very important package filled with 16 different medications and types of syringes/needles/patches/etc today.

Fed Ex said they would deliver between 8am and 3pm.

And I have to be here to sign for it (not that I would want them to leave that box 'o preciousness on my doorstep)

Who wants to bet that they will arrive at 2:59pm and 59 seconds?

So, off I headed this morning with my little print out of 2 Paula Deen recipes, one for a chicken casserole and one for taco soup.

Cause I don't know if you heard, but H-town had a little cold front move through here and the high is only supposed to be like 78 today. I felt that little bit of cool breeze and decided to break out the winter recipes. I mean, who doesn't want to sweat over a bowl of steaming taco soup when you aren't feeling well??

Only 10 more degrees cooler and I get to dust off my Uggs and Matt will be eating sweet potatoes and stuffing for the next 4 months (b/c that's what I serve as soon as just the tiniest bit of fall hits our humidity-laden town - if you wait for it to be 35 degrees outside...well, you will never eat "fall food" here)

So back to Paula. While I am entertained by her on tv and was really excited to see her restaurant in Savannah, I very rarely cook her recipes. I mean, they all look and sound delicious but they are to be saved for special occasions and days where you don't care that you are eating a pound of butter. Not for everyday meals. I've become pretty skilled over the years learning how to substitute lowerfat ingredients for the full-fat variety but even I don't have the skills to mess with her recipes.

But for a family that needs some meals - Paula Deen is just the answer.

I was pleasantly surprised when I pulled up at the Wal Mart and the parking lot was almost barren. I obviously hit them on shift change because just as I was walking in about 4 or 5 red-eyed employees were stumbling out, shoving cigarettes into their mouths as fast as humanly possible.

Nothing like starting my grocery shopping with walking through a plume of smoke into the "fresh" produce aisle. Yummy.

So I made my way through Wal Mart picking up the various assortment of ingredients I needed. Because it was a taco soup and a casserole, I spent the majority of my time on the canned tomato aisle. Good lord. All I can say is thank goodness I had time to scan the shelves without people running me over with their carts because Paula sure likes her canned tomatoes. In all different varieties.

I started to get a little stressed because I couldn't find the precise can of Petite diced tomatoes with green chilies and was trying to make up my mind whether I could subsitute a couple of cans of Rotel, because really isn't that pretty close to the same thing? As the stress sweat was slowly dripping down my face (remember, I had to be back home for the 8am delivery - just in case Fed Ex decided to get their act together and hit my house first. Wishful thinking but I could just so see me racing back to my neighborhood and passing the Fed Ex truck on the way out and me chasing him down, blowing on my horn, begging for him to bring back my $3000 medications.)

Anyway, boo -yah - found it! (It's a Hunt's variety in case anyone was wondering... "Great Value" - Wal Mart's generic brand does NOT make it. They need to get into the game)

So, I made it through the rest of my shopping pretty uneventfully. But I will say that I was truly expecting someone to ask me if I was planning on dropping off some donations to the Fort Bend Food Pantry or something. I literally had about a dozen cans overflowing in my cart.

And praise the Lord, it was only 7:30am. Plenty of time to check out. Head for the check out counters. Wouldn't you know...."shift change" apparently wasn't so much a change as it was a full on departure.

Because there was only 1 checker IN THE ENTIRE WAL MART. Oh, save for the express lane, wayyyyy at the other end - and because of Paula and her 3 dozen can taco soup, I obviously didn't qualify.

But before I could get too worked up, the 2 people in line ahead of me finished up rather quickly and then halleliuah, it was my turn!

I was just completing the unloading of my can-laden cart when I noticed the gentleman behind me holding only a bouquet of flowers and nothing else. I took a quick scan of the 30 or so items I had laid out, glanced at my watch again, and took pity on the man.

"Sir, would you like to go ahead of me?" followed by some lame joke that I either don't remember or don't want to recall here.

He mumbled something (and let me tell you it wasn't like a gracious thank you or anything) and charged ahead of me. The lady rang up his $5.99 bundle of tulips and he paid and was on his way. Now I know it wasn't an earth-shattering favor, but the fact remains I could have made him wait the 8 minutes it was going to take me to check out and I wouldn't have been wrong to do so.

I gots places to be, too, Mister.

But I let him go ahead of me. Do you know that man never looked back, never said a word, nary a thank you, nod, or glance??!! Quite honestly, I was flabbergasted. Whenever someone does that for me, I always say thank you at the very least. My momma taught me some manners. And some grammar.

No wonder he was buying flowers. At first when I saw him, I thought "How wonderful, he's buying flowers to take up to his wife's office" or something equally sugary sweet with a gag me reflex.

However, now I am quite sure that angry little man was probably just as rude to his signficant other as he was to me and was being forced to bring home flowers just so he could get in the door tonight and get a little dinner and a spot on the couch.

So after the ALM (angry little man) left, I like an idiot, glanced back again and saw another woman waiting behind me, this time with 2 items, nail polish remover and Ajax or something. Quite the combo - and who can just walk into Wal Mart and buy 1 or 2 things anyway?

Not me. There's always some special treats I just must pick up - honey flavored pretzels? Don't mind if I do.

2 for 1 liquid soaps? Yes, please!

So, after taking stock of her items and looking again at mine, I was railroaded with a critical decision to make. Do I let her go ahead of me and risk being even later or get my stuff checked out already???

After the quite yucky response I received from the ALM, and my conscious be darned, I decided it was MY turn instead. Sorry, lady. You're just going to have to wait. Fed Ex won't wait for me.

The lovely Wal Mart lady got me checked out in record time - we were quite the team, throwing cans in bags (she even double-bagged!! How thoughtful!) and tossing them in the cart. Then I went to my wallet to pay.

No debit card.

WTH.

Not 3 weeks ago I made some sort of snotty comment on facebook about people who write checks and they need to come into the 21st century of debit cards and quit holding up important people like me because they can't get with the program. It was met with varying degrees of "Amen, sister" to the one I won't forget, "Give them a break, Meagan. Maybe they left their debit card at home like I did today." At the time, I was all high and mighty-like "who leaves their debit card at home when they are going grocery shopping.?"

And now I know. People like me. Who play on the computer late at night and purchase things on etsy. (like the 17th baby gift I have bought this year for a friend). And then it's late and they are lazy, so they don't carry their debit card back to their wallet, and make the all-important "mental note" to return it to it's proper home first thing the next morning. So didn't happen.

I was that person today. That held up the line at Wal Mart. I totally should have let that lady go in front of me. Thank you, God, as always for humbling me.

Now, it's back to my cooking. I need a new can opener by the way.

And I'll be darned - there was the doorbell. Fed Ex is here!!!! And it's only 9:29am. The tides, they are a changin'. It may be my day after all.

9.14.2009

Well, it was bound to happen at some point, given the sheer number of claims and dealings I have had with our insurance companies over the years. I am finally H.A.P.P.Y. with my insurance company for one brief singular reason.

For someone unknown reason (and although they are covering zilch of the actual invitro process), they have decided to cover ALL of my drugs and paraphenelia. (minus, of course, the appropriate co-pays).

I cannot tell you what a tremendous blessing this is. We were anticipating being out of pocket A LOT (I'll leave out the specific number - but if you've done this before, you know how ridiculously expensive it is just for the meds.) Well, and now, it's considerably less than that.

I heart Freedom Fertility Pharmacy. Seriously.

The woman who initially called to go over all my medicines was so incredibly patient with me, as I painstakingly had her spell out every single med she was giving me, dose, cost and all. Even though I know I will get a detailed list from the doctor when we have our "learn how to inject Meagan in the butt & stomach" consultation, I still wanted to have it in hand to do my proper research prior to that appointment (meaning "Google" everything on list and cross-check with webmd)

I know you all are shocked by that little admission..

Actually, I have a love/hate relationship with web.md. Whenever I am experiencing any type of weirdo illness or symptoms, I go to web.md and immediately am hit with some sort of terrible, debilitating diagnosis and so starts the paranoia - until I go to the dr. and he gives me the much less upsetting news of "acid reflux" or "gas". ha.

But actually, if you need to look up drugs, it's quite handy. As I am allergic to all sorts of meds as I have previously mentioned (and half the time, doctors and/or pharmacists don't seem to complete their due diligence in checking my patient records (no offense to anyone, but that has been a common experience for me), I have often taken to web.md to search for my prescribed medications and ensure that I won't be swelling up like the Michelin Man if I take an antiobiotic.

However, freedom.pharmacy beat me to it this time. They called this morning and told me they couldn't order one of my drugs because I could potentially be allergic to it. Sure enough, I looked it up and it's a tetracycline and a derivative of "Minocycline" -- which provided me one of the worst allergic reactions in recent history. We are talking n.a.s.t.y. I'll spare you the graphic details but I wouldn't go through that again, even to have a baby. That's how bad it was.

And now that I have completely bored all my readers (all 4 of you) this morning, without further ado, may I present the list o' meds that I will be injecting, swallowing, inserting, patching, or shoving in my body in the upcoming weeks. You can tell I am thrilled. Honestly, when she gave me the list, I was just blown away. My rather simple synopsis of the process in the previous post was pretty misguided. I knew I was simplifying it - but darn, I didn't know just how much this was all going to require.

As I told the pharmacist on the phone, I feel it was somewhat (ok, a lot) snarky for my fertility doc to only order one Valium to take on transfer day.

Because after getting this list and the retail price tag associated with it, it only seemed fair that they should immediately overnnight an extra Valium for me so I could recover from the shock. In fact, they probably shouldn't call you until you have the 2nd Valium in hand with a glass of water on the side.

And I believe that's why people become drug addicts.

That, and the fact that out of this entire list, the Valium tablet registered as the 2nd lowest in cost (only to be trumped by the ONE 800 mg Motrin) - and rang in at a whopping 95 cents. Pretty cheap to become addicted to I guess (relatively speaking) -- I'm not real up on the going price of illegal or legal drugs these days.

Oh, the list...here ya go... in no particular order.

1. 8 pre-filled Ganirelix syringes

2. 1 Gonal F 900 unit pen

3. 20 vials Menopur

4. 44 qty, 22-guage syringes

5. 2 qty , 1 1/2 27-guage needles

6. 20 tables Vibramycin (to be subbed for something that won't cause me to look like I have leprosy)

I was pleasantly surprised to discover that b/c of the quantity of meds ordered, freedom is nice enough to "throw the needles in complimentary".

Which really is lovely of them.

Considering that drug addicts can find "needle exchange" programs and get clean needles to continue to inject illegal drugs into their collapsed veins, it really only seems right that I should get "complimentary" needles when we are just trying to ensure the family tree on our side doesn't completely collapse from the weight of infertility.

Happy Monday, y'all! I'll do my best to give you a non-infertility related post later this week. Outside of just calling an insane number of 1-800 numbers to talk to all sorts of reps from insurance companies, talking to my fertility nurse, crunching numbers in my online checkbook to figure out payment options, oh yeah, and working - these past couple of weeks have been really fun - I've just been lazy about writing the stories and uploading the pics. But they're coming.

B/c I even bored myself during this post. I'm so sorry you all were subjected to the infertility babble that sometimes takes over my mind when I go to write this blog. If you read this entire thing to even make it to the above apology - then good for you - and you must be a good friend :) (or you are my mother)

9.07.2009

So we received word on Friday (ie: in the form of nature's appearance of Aunt Flo) - that our "official timeline" is off and running for this invitro thing. When I got the news, I was all at once overwhelmed, excited, anxious, but most of all thrilled that we now have a path to walk on. With directions. So grateful.

So here's the plan as I understand it:

3 weeks birth control pills (check, already started on Sunday)

Sept. 30th - baseline test (still not sure what all of this encompasses but assumes that it means your body is ready to accept all of the thousand dollar lupron shots into your abdomen

Oct. 17th morning - transfer of embroyos - pray pray pray that Matt and I's "stuff" gets along really really well for 5 days in the petri dish - we want lots of blasts people (meaning, the really good, grade A, like supermarket fresh egg/embroyos)

So, if all goes well and stays according to timeline, we should know by the end of October, beginning of November if it worked or not. We will see. And pray a whole lot between now and then.

For now, I am focusing on getting healthy - lots of folic acid (haven't missed one in 3 weeks), plus a multi vitamin, trying to get a lot of sleep, going for long jogs, eating healthy, the works. I guess the worst part is the unknown. I really don't know how I am going to feel once these hormones start racing through my body.

I read on my birth control pack (and remember I haven't taken "the pill" in over 7 years) that "it may cause weight gain or it may cause weight loss" or it "may cause for acne to improve or acne to worsen".

Hmmm, so I could get fat but have great skin.

Stay the same weight but have bad skin

Or get fat and have bad skin ---

Or the very best option - stay the same size & have good skin :)

ha. we'll see.. .only a neurotic like me thinks like that.

I'm going to go invest in some very comfortable target pj pants one size too big & a brand new facial cleansing mask just in case the worst option comes to fruition.

On a side note: When I went to pick up my pills at the pharmacy on Friday (in Plano, I was already heading to Dallas when I started my period) - they told me that the insurance wouldn't refill it b/c it had been too soon since my last refill.

First, who "OD"s on birth control pills?

Second, I haven't taken the pill IN SEVEN FREAKIN YEARS.

WTH? After being patient and polite for what I deemed an acceptable time, I finally had to sort of flip out --- "look, I HAVE to start this pill on Sunday. The end. It's for my fertility cycle and it will mess the whole thing up if I don't have the pill for Sunday. Tomorrow is Saturday. My doctor has already left for the day. Please, please do something so I can get at least 2 pills to get through Sunday and Monday until you guys can straighten it out.

Seriously, you would have thought I was asking for high-dose morphine or whatever insane drugs MJ shot up his veins.

Finally, I think she realized how panic stricken I was (and hormonal --- I am on my period remember?), and got it taken care of. So I am a brand new holder of a fresh pack of bcp's. Feel like I am back in college again. How cute.

But seriously, if I flipped out like that over pills with hardly any hormones in my system - I can only imagine what's going to happen to the poor people who get in my way during the rest of this process. It 'aint going to be pretty :)

But with all the complaining about the meds, and the schedule and the money - I know it is so worth it - no doubt stressful, but incredibly and totally worth it. That much Matt and I know otherwise we wouldn't be going to these lengths. This is totally the path for us.

Soooo...bottom line - yay for having our schedule now :) I will try to write more fun posts than just hormonal, "I feel like crap" posts in the next 6 weeks. We'll see :)

Thank you for taking his journey with us. Please keep our little future Clanahan in your prayers. Bless you all.

9.03.2009

Insomnia and I are fighting a battle this week. And well, let's see, given that it is 1:26am and I am pounding out a blog post, I'd say she's winning. I really don't even have anything blog-worthy except for this silent demon that is stealing away my precious zzzzz's.

I go through these phases of insomnia. For months I'll be fine and be able to sleep when my hubby knocks out (well, I may read or watch tv for a little bit until he gives me that final unapproving groan that is my signal that it's time to shut it down).

And then I will go through these "sleep droughts" we'll call them --- where sleep at night just escapes me. And inevitably I need to take a nap in the afternoons which obviously just prolongs the cycle.

So I've been dealing with this latest round for about a week and it was aggravated by the new meds my dr gave me for my newest addition to my body - a golf to tennis ball-sized cyst on my ovary.

Yes. Again.

I know. I need to get preggers immediately.

Hopefully this is the last one. If aunt flow would just come for her monthly visit ON TIME for once, then we can get this whole thing going - get on the birth control pills and then the cysts will be g.o.n.e. (and I apologize to anyone reading this who is tired of hearing about my ovaries/uterus/period, etc -- it has kind of taken over my world now. ha!)

But thank God "the pill" should help. I've had enough of prescription motrin, tylenol or whatever else they can give me. That and the fact my heating pad has been permanent attached to my body for the last 4 days. In 96 degree heat. Oh, that's just fabulous. I highly recommend sweating your a*# off in your own home. Plus, you know our AC isn't below 80 during the day, so I have been just a beauty queen.

Excuse me while I wipe a sweat droplet off my keyboard.

Am I too young for hot flashes?

Anyway, the meds seem to aggravate my insomnia - most people get drowsy - but we all know that I am not normal, so of course, I get hyper. The other night I was so keyed up that I literally never went to bed. Until 8am the next morning. The advantage? I was able to complete about 5 hours of my work "day" and knock out a whole bunch of projects that I had been dreading. Plus, I even wrote the weekly e-newsletter - including 5 or 6 pretty detailed articles.

Not so sure that was a hot idea considering I re-read it the next morning and had to correct about 5 run-on sentences, 7 major grammatical infractions, and 34 misspelled words.

Ahhh, the benefits of being a virtual office employee.

Tonight I was certain I would be able to sleep --- I didn't catch a nap today (not w/o lack of trying but the schedule just didn't work out in my favor - the nerve!), plus I had a big ole dinner of pasta and bread and all things carbs and deliciousness. All signs pointed in my favor.

Sure as rain, I fell asleep quickly even before the news came on. Only to be woken up by something at midnight - just 2 1/2 hours later. FRUSTRATING.

So now, my sweet husband sleeps by himself as I play on the computer. My sweet husband, by the way, who has no problem falling asleep whatsoever. He can be talking 100 miles a minute and then "Tired" just smacks him in the face and he is gone in about 90 secoonds. I am envious.

So needless to say he doesn't really get the whole insomnia thing. He just thinks I need to close my eyes and count sheep and see where that gets me. I know where that gets me. That gets me to 1,000 sheep 1 hour later, wide-awake wondering about the 1,000 sheep and where do I put them now?

I can only imagine that this latest onset of insomnia is partially due to the whole invitro thing starting up soon. The process begins this month and even though I feel ready, I know my mind is still stressing over it. Plus, as we've covered before, patience is not a quality on the top of my list so the waiting game doesn't exactly do it for me. But before I know it, I'll be on all sorts of hormones and Matt will be shooting me up.

Actually, I don't even want to think about him shooting me up yet - on top of insomnia, if I am fortunate enough to fall asleep, then I'll have nightmares about that. He is so going to have to practice on an orange or some other type of fleshy fruit before he touches my flesh with that needle.

Hi, I'm Meagan. Follower of Christ, wife to an amazing husband, and mom to two miracle babies. I never imagined all of the twists and turns our life would take, but am grateful for every single one.

Meet my husband, Matt. The love of my life and partner in crime for almost 10 years. He is an amazing husband, incredible father, and the rock of our family. I am so undeserving.

Meet Ryan! A sweet, sensitive, cuddly little boy who brings endless joy to our lives. He is the resident comedian of the household, loves to play with cars, read books, and watch cartoons. He's also LOVES music and shakes his little booty anytime he hears it.

Meet Quinn. Our fiesty, energetic, sweet-as-pie, little girl. Her life is a miracle and true testament to prayer. You would never know that she has overcome so many obstacles. She loves her books, blocks, and is curious about everything! She is also our little helper and Miss Independent. She is also the current leader in the number of time outs :)