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Thursday, March 24, 2011

More than a Quitter

I really struggled with whether or not to share all of this journey. Why?

Weight has been such a deeply personal and private subject for me. I played all sorts of mind games with my weight. "If only I were thinner..." I have replayed so many scenarios, that in my mind, would have gone more favorably for me had I been thinner. I have blamed a whole host of hurts on my appearance. I just tuck these hurts away, wishing for things to be different.

As an adult I have been able to joke about different aspects of my body, but there is a lot of pain behind the humor. Many of my insecurities are tied into my appearance. I notice a difference in my self-confidence as my weight has increased. I shy away from what the Lord's called me to do for fear of being the fat girl. I can only hide behind so many pairs of forgiving yoga pants for so long!

I don't enjoy exercise. I don't like gasping for air while moving my body! It boils down to, I don't like feeling the pain of exercise. While I'm not a lazy person and certainly don't mind hard work, I have never been one of those women. You know, the ones who love exercise. I am a very active person, but did not make time for regular exercise. I've always wanted to be an exerciser, but haven't stuck with a regimen long enough to see results.

All of these feelings created this inner war going on in my heart. I knew I was not doing what I needed to be doing. I even knew how to get there. I couldn't make myself do it. {You can ask anyone who has ever struggled with weight. We KNOW what we should be doing.} But it is a struggle, just like any other area of sin, to surrender my wants and desires to His will for my life. More than looking better, this journey is about coming to crave Jesus and His purposes in my life more than any food or anything else .

So, why did I wrestle with sharing this journey? Mainly for fear of failure. I've tried so many times before and failed. I don't want to fail publicly at something so private and personal to me. I didn't want to share what the Lord's asking of me. I don't want to give anyone more reasons to see me as a quitter.

A friend of mine, in a completely unrelated circumstance, told me one time that when things got tough, my style is to give up. I haven't forgotten that. I've pondered it quite a bit. I've played scenarios over and over in my mind, asking myself if I'm a quitter. I've laid it before the Lord asking what truth is there. When it comes to weight loss and exercise, I know it's true. Well, that and every other thing you can think of yucky to say about me is true. Truth is, I'm a sinner. I'm a glutton. I'm a quitter.

BUT GOD. He doesn't give up. He doesn't fail or quit. He is faithful to complete what He has started. He has called me and I am His. Because of Christ and His sacrifice for me, I am much more than this battle. I am made for more than this.

This time is different. This time I'm not doing it in my own strength.

31 "What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?33Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.34Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?36As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:31-39

2 comments:

just wanted to throw some encouragement your way today! i'm seriously in love with your honesty... i think it's the only thing that can free us... shedding LIGHT on everything in our hearts/minds/souls. also, i used to not like exercise at all. i never thought i would and that i'd just do it b/c i was supposed to. i'm addicted to it now, and crave it daily. i had to work to get to that point, but now it's like my natural antidepressant. it took about 2 months to get to that point but from there it became a part of my routine that i had to fit in (unless i was sick or a kid was sick... in which case i'd do whatever i could outside or at home). so anyway, here i am, a reformed exercise-hater. :). keep on keepin' on... and drink lots o' coffee, that helps too :). love love! b

About Me

I am desperately seeking after my Savior in an effort to make much of Him and less of me. In this painful, yet refining, process I am drawing nearer to my Creator who made me and loves me very much. My God created me with a bigger purpose than I can imagine. Weight loss, dieting and exercise have always been taboo and very private subjects for me. All that is changing. I need a space to chronicle my journey to a healthier lifestyle and weight. All that you read is for His glory and to make much of Him. "'Cause, Baby, we've got somewhere to go and you can't take that with us."