(Closed) If your MIL was a birth expert…

My fi’s mom is a birth coach/delivery expert. She’s worked in the field since before he was born so she’s VERY experianced.

We’re getting married next year, using NFP and plan kids sometime the year after.

I’m shy, and becuase I was an non-infant adopted and shuffled around I have a very hard time getting to trust people.

Fiance said he’ll respect my wishes but expects me to turn to her for baby and baby related things, before and after and even during. He said it’s better than some stranger or nurseline. I’m not so sure. For one, I don’t even plan on asking my mom as she didn’t have me (she did have my bros). I plan on asking my close friend with 5 kids for the after/before and having my Fiance around during along with any drs.

I just can’t wrap my head around being all close with Mother-In-Law….not that she’s a bad person, but besides my Fiance, I just don’t get really close to people in general until years 5+ of knowing them…at best, I’ll have know his mom for 2.5 years.

I would not be comfortable with that at all honestly. It’s nice that she’s eager to help, and for some advice, yeah, maybe I’d want to ask her. But I believe that your professional life and personal life should be separate. I think you should talk to who you feel safe and comfortable talking to. I don’t think your fiance should “expect” you to do anything. You’re the one carrying and delvering and caring for the baby. You do what you want and what helps you. If he wants to talk to his mom about his questions that’s his perogative.

Maybe don’t look at it as being close. Use her as a valuable, trusted resource. She will have your and your baby’s best interest at heart. If you don’t feel comfortable, then of course don’t force it. But I would suggest trying without shutting yourself off to the idea too quickly.

I think you should establish boundaries. I can see how this could get into a situation where she offers unsolicited advice on everything and expects you to do it her way rather than presenting all options and letting you decide. It’s like when you get pregnant and all your mom friends are giving you all this unsolicited advice.

I think it’s a great resource to have someone that accessible for questions that is hopefully not judgemental that has some vested interest in a positive outcome (grandma vs paid professional). However, I can see this being overbearing and exhausting if all she did was spout advice and directions 24/7.

If you could separate the fact that she’s your Mother-In-Law from her career, that may help. She may have more knowledge than your friend since she’s dealt with all kinds of women, bodies, and pregnancies. You don’t have to go to her of course, but she could be a lot of help. She could provide you with information that you won’t get from doctors or nurses.

Maybe you could ask her about some of her experiences or about things she thinks are important for women to know about pregnancy and birth. You may be able to get comfortable with her through that, or, at the very least, see if she’ll be someone you can go to should no one else be available for help or support.

@MrsSmith13: Oh yes. I guess I didn’t word it correctly. That’s what I was trying to get to with if she wasn’t comfortable with it, not to force it. I was just saying it’s a good resource to have. Definitely don’t think anyone should be expected to do something they are uncomfortable with.

Your opinion may also change once you are pregnant. I would not feel comfortable using my Mother-In-Law as my primary provider, but your body goes through SO MUCH when you are pregnant and for the first 10 weeks you are pretty much left on your own. I would love to have an expert in my back pocket that I would feel contacting with all of the dumb questions about what is normal and what I should be concerned about.

Tough one.. On one hand, I would be totally uncomfortable with it, at least for the “during” part. Before and after, I see no issue.

However, since that’s what she does in life and since it’s also your husband’s baby, his opinion matters and I’m sure he would love for his mom to be involved.. She would probably be upset not to be..

I mean, if you were a really good baker and your Mother-In-Law wouldn’t want you to bake the cake for a very special event in your life, wouldn’t you be sad not to be able to contribute to what you do best for people you really care about?

I know it’s not the same level of intimacy, but it’s still going to be hard for her to pull back if this is what you reallly want…

I don’t know how I would handle it. I would probably ask her tons of advice for the before and after part, and involve her for this; but let it be known that I only want my husband and nobody else in during labor and delivery so that it can be your first intimate family event, and ask her to coach Darling Husband as best as possible.

It’s true she might have a lot more experience, but then, if you do your research, you might come to conclusions on your own that she doesn’t agree with. I don’t think you should be forced to sit down with her and have her lecture you, but I do think you should spend time with her (as everyone should with their family!) and these things and questions will come up naturally. Also, I think you should read books on your own. Not only will it answer many questions (so you dont have to talk to her,) but it will help give you ideas of sorts of things to expect that you can talk to her about.

I’m going to be blunt, you are a grown woman about to bring life into this world and you have a close relative who is an EXPERT in that field, and you aren’t sure if you want/should use her help? because of some baggage from childhood? I think that is more the issue you need to work on. If it is still affecting your daily life I think maybe some therapy could be helpful to you, and in how you raise your child. Best of luck!

I think it would be nice to have someone with experience basically on-call in case you had any questions. However, I wouldn’t want to use her as a birth coach during delivery. That would be super uncomfortable for me!

@searock: You can go to anyone for advice. It is a matter of who you feel comfortable around, not who he feels comfortable around. He can feel free to ask her whatever he wishes but he certainly can’t force you to do the same. He can’t expect you to be as close to his mother as he apparently is.