The two questions that terrify bloggers

November 11, 2014

Hello, kind reader. I have reason to believe that as you’re reading this it’s very possible that you are, in fact, a blogger yourself. So you’ll know that bloggers are generally quite sociable and agreeable creatures. We hunt in packs, and travel together in that same grouping, with the pack functioning around an elaborate social hierarchy centred on a single breeding pair, the alpha male and female….wait, no, that’s wolves. Wolves do that, not bloggers. Bloggers tend to just meet up, giggle a bit and inhale wine. Slightly different. But it possibly involves some of the same principles…

Anyway, with all our giggling and joy and happiness at social occasions, I’ve found that there are two distinct questions that can stop a blogger cold, with terror welling up in their eyes and fear setting up camp in their stomach. Let’s all whistle air just above the tooth with the cavity and explore those horrific questions together.

1. How many views do you get?

Ok, this one is fair enough if it’s a PR or marketing person from a company you’re partnering with asking. That makes sense. But when it comes up between bloggers themselves the fear of humiliation is real. It can only be compared to talking about penis size. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours,” is all very well and good until you actually see theirs and it’s so much bigger than yours that you feel inadequate and sad and want to hide yours away in a dark corner somewhere.

We all know that different blogs will have different numbers of viewers – it depends on how long you’ve been blogging, how often you blog, how many booty shots you post on Instagram etc etc. We also know that there are public metrics like Domain Authority that let us stalk our favourite bloggers’ virtual worth quietly from afar, but it’s not the same as knowing the actual numbers. Especially on those forlorn Thursdays when your unique visitors are down and you’re feeling vulnerable.

If viewing stats are the penis size of the blogging world we can only deduce that the Media Kit is the urinal. Ever peeked at another blogger’s Media Kit and then felt dirty and ashamed afterwards? You’re not a PR, you weren’t checking it out because you want to contact them with a media enquiry. You didn’t need to pee when you wandered into that urinal, you just wanted to see some dick. Filthy.

2. Do you two know each other?

Yeah, this one is all kinds of awkward. You arrive at an event and stumble into the personal space of the host and another woman, when the host utters the question above because she’s pretty sure you do. Why wouldn’t she be sure? The other woman is reaching in for a hug and a kiss. Bah! You spent a good 4 hours in the company of “Sparkletits and Magnums” at a previous event a couple of months ago. You chat on Twitter all the time. But can you remember her goddamn name? No. You’re a terrible person. Oh god, is that “The British Badger Botherer” over the other side of the room chatting to “The London Cake Gobbler”?

Yup, there’s no easy way out of this one. When you start remembering people by their blog name instead of their real names it makes them very easy to find on the internet, but very difficult to meet in person for the second/third/eighteenth time without you coming off like a proper self absorbed bastard.

I’m sorry, folks. I’ll just be hiding in the ladies for a while until everyone gets drunk enough for first names not to be an issue any more.