But everything was going so well! Why now? Do we have to break up? Is she wrong for me? Am I not ready? Is he a wolf in sheep’s clothing? Am I destined to be alone? Why does she have so many cats? Why doesn’t he own a vaccuum cleaner? Why am I asking so many questions? Am I freaking out? It seems like I am.

And, doubts typically raise their heads right when the high of falling in love meets the truth that you and your partner may not exactly be made for each other, you know, like two peas in a pod.

Doubts can be scary when they first surface. And, doubts typically raise their heads right when the high of falling in love meets the truth that you and your partner may not exactly be made for each other, you know, like two peas in a pod. You are actually two separate and differnt people.

But doubt can also mean that your relationship is moving to another stage of commitment where differences are worked on and growth happens. Unless you let doubt get the better of you. So, why do we doubt the ones we love?

Doubt is a normal response to change. Just as we doubt what a new job or moving might do to our lives, doubts arise in relationships when things progress. Doubt is common when relationship talk graduates to moving in together or marriage. Simply talking about these changes with your partner can relieve the stress; you may find he or she feels the same.

Some doubts are a stress response. They can be our way of preparing for new challenges. These doubts sound like: What if I’m still attracted to other people, is that a bad sign? But I don’t like his or her friends all that much. Are they really my ‘One’? Are we really a match sexually? I am not sure about the way he or she manages their finances. These are perspectives rather than things set in stone. They are issues that can change over time, or are often only one side of the story.

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In some cases, doubts are your issues in disguise and are not healthy for you or the relationship, but you can still grow from your doubts, and so can your relationship, as long as you face and recognize them.

On the other hand, are your doubts really about your partner’s actions and behaviors towards you? In some cases, doubts are your issues in disguise and are not healthy for you or the relationship. But you can still grow from your doubts, and so can your relationship, as long as you face and recognize them.

Doubt can hide fear. Often doubt comes up when there is a fear of intimacy. If every step towards greater commitment has your doubts rising significantly, you might want to think about what you are scared of. Even a few counseling sessions, talks with your partner or a self-help book might be of some guidance.

Doubts can be sabotage. If you do fear of intimacy, doubts might be your subconscious pushing your loved one away. This doesn’t mean they’ll leave. If they love you, and you love them and want to work on your issues, who is to say you can’t get past this? No one. It’s all about awareness and honesty.

Sometimes we think we doubt our current partner when we are really assuming certain things based on past experience. You might doubt your partner truly loves you if in the past you dated someone who was emotionally unavailable.

Doubts can be leftover from past experiences. Sometimes we think we doubt our current partner when we are really assuming certain things based on past experience. You might doubt your partner truly loves you if in the past you dated someone who was emotionally unavailable. Or, you may have trust issues if your previous partner cheated. If you truly want to move on, you have to get past these issues, but a loving partner will be there for and with you. But remember, he or she is not your past, and you are loved now.

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At the end of it all, doubt is rarely the real problem in a relationship. It’s a lack of communication that tends to be the true issue. If you have doubts that you feel you can’t talk over with your partner, the question might be why you can’t communicate them. Do you fear upsetting them? Why? Do you know how to navigate conflict, or do you not trust each other enough to be vulnerable around each other? These are issues worth looking at, alone, or with a couples counselor.

Steer clear of talking over your doubts too much with the wrong people. Doubts are often just garden variety fears and anxieties. Talk about them too much with, say, your friend who is jealous of your relationship, or your mother who never likes anyone you date, and they may help your turn those doubts into real issues. Try sorting out your doubts for yourself first, then talk to someone you truly trust, or even to a relationship coach.

Balance your doubts with an equal focus on what is working. Many of us have brains that are trained to focus on the negative. Try spending time each day thinking about five things that are going right with your relationship. Or keep a list you can review and add to about all the ways the relationship works and how your partner is just what you need.

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But what if your doubts are more serious in nature? And this is where toxicitiy comes in.

It’s important to know the difference between garden variety relationship doubts and red flag doubts. Big questions about how you are being treated can be more serious. They can be a sign you are in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship.

Red flag doubts sound like this:

He refuses to tell me where he goes at night She didn’t tell me she was seeing other men She pushed me last night and it was the second time He won’t let me see my friends She makes negative comments about me that make me feel awful When I tell him I don’t want him to come over he shows up anyway He grabs my arm so hard it hurts

If these doubts sound familiar, talk to someone you trust, a good friend, call a support hotline, or to talk to a counselor or coach who can help you understand what you are dealing with and what you need to do to be safe. These are red flag doubts that indicate a potentially abusive situation and are about the other persons actions and behaviors. They are signs of betrayal, control, disrespect, and overstepping personal boundaries.

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Healthy relationship doubts are assumptions about the relationship itself. Whether it’s working, whether it’s the right one for you, whether you both want the same future. Using the above article, you can look at your relationship and decide what your doubts might mean for your relationship and how to address them. And trust your partner with your doubts. Chance are, he or she has doubts too. You can work through them together. What better way to assuage your doubts and grow closer? Trust and communication. Works everytime.

Life tests people every day. And for reasons we don’t know, everyone gets a different test.

Some struggle with calculus; others are dealt basic math. Either way, we all have to deal with what we’ve been given. Ultimately, what we’re given is all random. Genetics, location and financial status — it’s all one big luck of the draw.

Yet whatever circumstance life throws your way, you get to decide if you’re going to be a victim or a survivor. You have complete control over whether life makes you sweet or sour.

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.

In other words, nice people weren’t born nice — they made themselves that way.

Nice people bring light into the world because they come from dark pasts.

In the world of darkness into which they were born, nice people use positivity as a lantern to create more light.

Nice people have often been dealt a significant amount of bad luck. They’ve been thrust into harmful situations and gripped by destructive circumstances, like toxic family members or poverty.

And they have learned not only to succeed. They’ve learned to overcome. They’ve kicked off their crutches and somehow done the impossible: They’ve taught themselves to run and catch up to everyone else in a world that does not wait for anyone.

When everyone else was gifted a 200-count Crayola box set, you might have gotten a broken Rose Art crayon. But you used that poor excuse of a wax pastel to live a colorful life anyway.

Nice people love the hardest because they’ve been hurt the most.

People will probably treat you better if they’ve been hurt by a former lover.

Why does this happen? Well, people who have had their hearts shredded know what it’s like to tape the torn pieces back together. The brokenhearted never want to inflict emotional paper cuts on anyone else.

Nice people have learned the hard way that disadvantages are opportunities for growth.

It’s more than possible that a few nice people used to be pessimistic. But over time, they usually learn — the hard way — how to be positive.

Perhaps they came to realize that every little thing that seems to pull them down in life eventually becomes a stepping stone to success.

Or maybe dealing with an alcoholic brother taught someone the empathy and patience to deal with recovering addicts. Many therapists learned from a young age how to relate to people who are in pain.

In this way, nice people construct staircases from quicksand.

Nice people don’t want others to hurt the way they’ve been hurt.

Nice people might have been teased for having freckles, big ears or acne. Maybe a physical disability makes them feel invisible to other people. Maybe an invisible disability itself prevents them from getting the care that they need. And because they know what it’s like to feel tormented, they’d never want to cause anyone else that same kind of pain.

Kindness emerges from those who have only known cruelty.

Instead of harassing others, nice people break the cyclical nature of insensitivity. They give compliments and words of encouragement. They want others to feel truly beautiful and confident instead of ugly and hurt. They already know what that’s like, and they wouldn’t wish it on their worst enemies.

Nice people choose to be survivors who help others stay afloat.

Nice people can deal with any situation thrown their way. They know they can survive anything, because they already have. All of their scars are simply evidence that they can heal from new scrapes.

If anything ever knocks them over, they just shoot right back up and keep going. Knowing that they can endure, these nice people try to do what they can to help others pull ahead.

In the race of life, most runners usually only look out for and focus on themselves. But people who have suffered look out for people who might be going through similar struggles.

They cheer friends on, share their water bottles and motivate others to run with them.

They become the helping hand that they wished they’d had for themselves.

Of the many perils that couples face over the course of their relationships, the specter of being cheated on is one of the most common – and most anxiety-producing.

Infidelity within a relationship is one of the few sins that almost everybody agrees as being always wrong – upwards of 80% of people will tell you so. And yet cheating and being cheated on happens far more frequently than one might expect. Exact numbers are hard to gather – as you might imagine, cheaters are unlikely to self-report,especially if friends or family members are around – but the estimated numbers range from 30% to a mind-boggling 70%.

If your partner cheats on you, is it better to adopt a zero-tolerance policy or to put it all behind you?

But while being cheated on may be seen as a universal negative, the question of what to do when your partner’s been unfaithful is a tough one. It’s very easy to decide what to do in the abstract – drop them like a bad habit, destroy their shit, stand by your man, forgive and forget, etc – and to armchair quarterback other people’s marriages (see Clinton, Hillary). But when it’s your relationship… suddenly what seems clear-cut and simple is actually a lot more complicated.

So what’s the right choice when it comes to dealing with being cheated on? What is the best way to heal afterwards? If your partner cheats on you, is it better to adopt a zero-tolerance policy or to put it all behind you?

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You Don’t Want The Gory Details

The first and most important thing about handling the aftermath of being cheated on is self care. Discovering that your partner was cheating on you is incredibly painful. We frequently define ourselves by our relationships and make our partners the center of our world; they become our best friends, our primary source of emotional support and intimacy. It becomes a part of who we are – we are not just ourselves but part of a gestalt entity like the world’s squishiest Transformers.

When we find out that we’ve been cheated on, there’s a sense of betrayal – not just in the relationship, but in your sense of self. Suddenly this core part of of who we are has been called into question. In fact, one of the most common things people who discover their partner’s infidelity say is “I thought I knew you.” The unspoken part of that sentence is that in not knowing their partner, they also no longer know who or what their relationship is and – by extension – who they are now. It throws everything into question and damages your soul and self-esteem.

You want to surround yourself with people who care for you and support you – people who can help ease the pain and salve your wounds.

What you don’t want to do is make things worse by asking for the details. That desire to know more is completely natural; it’s part of the urge to understand, as though knowing more might make the act more comprehensible.

It won’t.

If you want to understand, then you don’t want the “whats” or “hows”, you want the “whys” – the motivation behind the affair.

Knowing who it was, when it started, what they did and where, why that person… there is almost no answer that your partner can give you that won’t gouge out parts of your soul. Everyone who’s discovered their partner’s indiscretions almost always says the same thing: “I wish I’d never found out.” Processing the fact that your partner has been banging someone else is painful enough. All asking for the details will do is give you things to torture yourself with and images that will never leave your head. Ignorance isn’t exactly bliss in this case but it’s a hell of a lot less painful.

If you want to understand, then you don’t want the “whats” or “hows”, you want the “whys” – the motivation behind the affair. Why? Well that’s because…

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Most Affairs Aren’t About Sex

Despite the seeming obviousness of it, most infidelities aren’t about sex. Cheat-proofing your relationship isn’t as simple as constantly upping the crazy sex you’re into or fucking your partner into a coma; in fact, this belief tends to end up assigning part of the blame to the other partner who’s been cheated on. Similarly, being cheated on isn’t a sign that there’s something wrong with your relationship. There are many, many people out there who consider themselves monogamous and in happy relationships that end up crossing a line they never imagined that they’d encounter in the first place.

For some, it’s a desire for novelty or to recapture the spark and excitement that defines a new relationship. Some people strike up affairs because they want to feel desirable, to know that others want them. For others it’s about the rush of doing something forbidden, the thrill of risk and being caught. For still others, it’s about boredom and wanting to shake things up – even if it ends up hurting themselves and others. Some have affairs because they’re rebelling against a belief about themselves or the values they grew up with, while others may be reacting to the pain of previous relationships. Some are trying to recapture a lost sense of self while others are making up for opportunities they believe they’d missed.

It’s very easy to assume that being cheated on is a black-or-white issue – either your partner betrayed you or they didn’t.

Other times it’s a matter of one partner simply panicking and lashing out. For some people, cheating on their partners is a way of punishing them or getting revenge for some slight; even if the other partner never learns about the affair, that secret knowledge serves as a sort of reprisal, a trump card that can be dealt at any time. Then there are those who use affairs to get out of relationships that were otherwise dead or dying. Many people who’ve had affairs were actually slamming their hands on the relationship self-destruct button – as acts of self-sabotage, as weapons of last resort, or even just because they’re afraid and hitting the eject button rather than facing their fears.

It’s important to remember this because…

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Not All Affairs Are Created Equal

One of the things that needs to be considered in the wake of discovering that you’ve been cheated on is the circumstances of the affair itself.

It’s very easy to assume that being cheated on is a black-or-white issue – either your partner betrayed you or they didn’t. We have a mental image of what a cheater looks like and why they do what they do – they’re selfish, they’re predatory, they’re egotistical, they don’t “really” care about their partner, etc. But while the cartoon villain in our heads is easy to rail against, in practice however, there tend to be levels of nuance that can take easy, obvious answers and make them incredibly complicated after all.

For example, there’s a significant difference between someone who slipped up in a moment of weakness versus a serial cheater. One of the things that we don’t like to talk about when it comes to relationships is that monogamy is verydifficult, but culturally we’re expected to perform it perfectly. Being in a monogamous relationship means that you’ve chosen not to sleep with other people; it doesn’t mean that you don’t want to and that can be tricky to manage at times. The tale of someone slipping up after their inhibitions and judgement are lowered by a few drinks while out with friends is one of the most common stories out there. So, too, are moments of weakness during times of conflict in the relationship and office flirtations that crossed a line.

While the betrayal hurts, is that crime so great that it’s worth ending a relationship over it?

These all tend to be affairs of circumstance – once in a lifetime events where everything aligned just so and led to an infidelity and are unlikely to ever be repeated. They also tend to be moments that the participants regret having happened at all. Contrast this with the serial adulterer who regularly cheats on his or her partner with no real regard for their feelings; the crimes are similar but the circumstances and motivations are entirely different. Yes, it’s easy totalk about willpower or morals or avoiding temptation in the first place, but humans are fallible. We all fall to temptation or impulse or poor judgement at one point or another; frequently, it’s how we learn.

Another frequent case is the individual in a sexless relationship, either due to circumstance or by one partner’s choice. They may have any number of reasons why they don’t just leave – ranging from financial ties to the fact that they may still love their partner – but they still have needs that aren’t being met. Someone who’s caring for a sick or handicapped partner, for example, may not want to leave; at this point, a discrete affair often can be part of how they’re able to stay in the relationship and keep taking care of their loved ones.

This isn’t to say that being cheated on doesn’t hurt less if it were a one-off affair of poor judgement… but it’s hardly the same as discovering that your partner just saw commitment as an inconvenience to be overcome. This then asks the next question…

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Is It Worth Ending Your Relationship Over?

The cultural narrative is that if someone cheats on you, then that’s it, you kick them to the curb.

One of the most important things you need to do in the wake of discovering that your partner has cheated on you is to get some time and distance. You’re going to have some decisions to make and you need time to process (and grieve and heal). In the immediate moment, things are incredibly painful and raw; your emotions are likely riding pretty high and you’re more apt to respond out of pain and anger and sadness. This is, needless to say, not the greatest headspace to be in when you’re trying to make significant decisions.

It’s understandable then that we almost automatically assume that an infidelity is a relationship extinction event; that betrayal of both the intimacy and identity is the crime that can never be forgiven.

But should it be? While the betrayal hurts, is that crime so great that it’s worth ending a relationship over it?

This isn’t an idle or rhetorical question; it’s something that you need to ask yourself. Considering the circumstances of how and when you were cheated on, is the crime so great that it outweighs everything – every happy memory you have together, your emotional intimacy, your friendship, your relationship with your children (if you have them). Or is it something that – while painful – you are willing and able to forgive? Is it possible for your partner to make amends?

It’s also worth examining whether your ending things is what you want or what you’re supposed to want. The cultural narrative is that if someone cheats on you, then that’s it, you kick them to the curb. Once a cheater, always a cheater, etc. There’s a surprising amount of stigma towards people who forgive their partners for having cheated on them. People judge others who stay with a cheater as being weak, as being afraid or stupid or just plain naive. It’s hard for many people to imagine that someone can still love their partner, even though they’ve hurt them or even that being cheated on is simply not something bad enough to end a relationship over.

That’s not to say that there’s a right or wrong answer here; everyone has to judge their relationship’s worth against the affair. Many relationships simply can’t survive afterwards. Some of them frankly shouldn’t.

But if you do decide to stay…

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Are You Able To Actually Forgive Them?

One of the hardest parts of staying together after discovering that you’ve been cheated on is to learn to trust them again. There is an entirely understandable tendency to become hypervigilant, looking for any signs that your partner is about to slip up again and either catch them in the act or somehow head the affair off at the pass.

The problem is that this behavior is more likely to end a relationship than to save it – and in doing so, cause even more pain in the process.

Similarly, part of forgiving your partner is to actually forgive them and let the wound heal over rather than continually picking at the scab.

A relationship without trust isn’t a relationship; it’s just one person trying to regulate another’s behavior. While it’s perfectly justified to be less trusting in the aftermath of an affair, part of repairing the relationship is rebuilding that trust. This is a two-sided undertaking; your partner earns that trust back by demonstrating that they’re worthy of that trust while you allow them to do soand learn to let yourself trust them again. This is, of course, predicated on the idea that both parties are acting in good faith. After all, someone who’s only going through the motions of being trustworthy is someone you should kick to the curb at the first available opportunity. At the same time, though, it’s unfair – even needlessly cruel – to allow someone to try and try to re-earn your trust if you can’t or won’t ever give it back to them. If you are always going to be looking for signs that they’re cheating, or about to cheat, or might be thinking of cheating, then you simply don’t trust them.

At this point, it’s better just to end things instead of prolonging both of your misery.

Similarly, part of forgiving your partner is to actually forgive them and let the wound heal over rather than continually picking at the scab. Constantly holding their mistakes over their heads (again, assuming a good faith effort at fixing things on their part) isn’t forgiveness, it’s just needless cruelty. If they’re working to make amends and you pull out their past deeds like a weapon, then all that’s happened is that is that you’ve thrown their love and effort back in their face. A healthy relationship can’t survive that sort of behavior. Yes, they hurt you, perhaps badly; that doesn’t justify shitty behavior in return on your part, especially if they’re trying to repair the damage they caused. Either actually forgive them or end it cleanly.

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What Is It Going to Take to Fix Things?

The last question that needs to be asked: if you’re willing to try to give your relationship another chance, then what do you need from your partner to fix things?

Things won’t be the way they were, but that doesn’t mean that the relationship is damaged or inferior, just different.

Obviously, the affair needs to end. That goes without saying. But the healing can’t start until the injury is observed and addressed; until then, it’s just a wound that will fester over time. As such, the first thing that they need to take ownership of is that they have wronged you and to express their remorse for causing you pain. The next thing they need to do is to show their willingness to fix things by being proactive in earning back your trust. It’s almost impossible to learn to trust a cheating partner again if you are the one constantly having to monitor them. They have to be the ones maintaining boundaries, demonstrating their trustworthiness of their own free will. If it’s imposed upon them from the outside, it’s all too common to become “what do I have to do to not get in trouble”; being proactive, on the other hand, shows genuine desire to change.

But the final step in repairing a relationship takes the two of you to work in tandem. Those questions I said you should ask earlier: what did this mean for you, what did they feel they lacked or needed that they weren’t finding here, what do they value in your relationship… those are ones you need to ask and to resolve together, because they will define what changes between the two of you. An affair does mean that the relationship is over, in a way, even if you don’t end things; your relationship has irrevocably changed. It’s no longer what it once was and now you have to decide what it will be going forward.

Things won’t be the way they were, but that doesn’t mean that the relationship is damaged or inferior, just different. There will be hurt. There will be sadness. But if you decide it’s worth working through it all, sometimes that difference is what makes things stronger.

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This article was originally published on Paging Dr. Nerdlove. Read the original article.

You’re not the only one who has invested months or even years into a relationship because you convinced yourself that you found “the one,” only to feel duped later on. If you fall hard and fast, than you might be blinded by the love potion! It’s time to date with intent and dig deep early on so that you can separate those butterflies from lasting love.

At the beginning, it’s easy to put someone new on a pedestal, become attached, and get too far ahead of yourself.

During the beginning, when you’re in the courtship phase, your brain is producing chemicals, such as dopamine and noradrenaline, which act like a love potion—enhancing excitement, focus and attention. This leads to that giddy and happy feeling. If you throw sex into the mix, your body also releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone that makes you feel more connected and attached to your partner.

When you leave your new partner’s side, your brain struggles with diminished serotonin, a chemical that calms anxiety and obsessive thinking. This is usually when you start worrying when you’ll see that person again, if you should call, and you start questioning their feelings for you.

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It’s important to date with intent. Date with the purpose of finding your perfect match.

This love potion can make it difficult to rationally evaluate whether this new partner is a good long-term match, and sometimes you may miss red flags.

At the beginning, it’s easy to put someone new on a pedestal, become attached, and get too far ahead of yourself.

Identify your love lessons learned from past dates and relationships.

A love lesson is an opportunity to reflect on your experiences, whether it was just one date, or a multi-year relationship. Thoughtfully reflect on your likes and dislikes, what you’re willing to compromise on in the future, and your new deal breakers.

Identify negative patterns in your dating behavior, and keep an eye out for these red flags as you meet new potential partners. It can be helpful to work with a therapist or dating coach, who can more objectively identify these behaviors.

Dig deep and align your core values.

Picking a forever partner isn’t about sharing a group of friends or enjoying the same music. Don’t get lost in that love potion—you need to dig deeper at the beginning of a new relationship! This means having conversations about what really matters in life.

What is your work-life balance?

How do you save and spend money?

What are your family values?

What are your sexual beliefs and preferences?

What socio-economic status do you need in order to live the lifestyle that you want?

Do you want children and what is your parenting style?

Is religion important to you?

You don’t need to be able to answer all of these questions right now, but you need to be discussing these topics on an emotionally intimate level in new relationships. You will gain clarity on these values and deal breakers as they are put into perspective by dating new people and learn about their beliefs and expectations.

Save yourself the heartache (and headache) by exploring these factors early on. It’s more difficult to breakup after you’ve invested time, energy, love, commitment and finances into a relationship.

If you don’t have time to make dating a priority, why should a high-quality person make you a priority?

Online dating is a wonderful tool to help put you into contact with hundreds of people with whom your paths may have never crossed, especially when you’re stuck in your daily routine. Nowadays, the exact same singles who you may bump into at your local coffee shop are also the ones online—it’s the norm.

Dating with intent is all about creating as many windows of opportunity as possible.

A lot of people make blanket statements, such as, “I never meet anyone good.” Challenge yourself and ask how many times in the past month did you go to an event and socialize with new people? Of these people, how many were you attracted to that were actually single? And then, were they interested in you too? A few factors need to align for a potential match, so the more people with whom you come into contact, the better for a chance of making a connection.

Say, “Yes!” to social opportunities and invitations. Join an intramural sports team (you don’t even have to be good), a gym with interactive classes, volunteer, go to professional networking events, sign up for a local class, volunteer, or check out meetup.com.

If you don’t hit it off with anyone, you can still make friends. These new friends will expand your network and increase your opportunity to be introduced to more people.

Have a realistic view of dating.

It’s time to think about dating in a different way, which may ease rejection. The majority of relationships and dates you enter into are not going to work out. Ideally, only one relationship is going to last for the long run if you want marriage or a committed life partner. It’s about maintaining optimism and an open mind in the face of rejection and disappointment.

Not everyone is going to click on your profile, send you a message, or approach you in public. When you walk down the street and pass 100 people, are you attracted to all of them? Of course not! They aren’t all going to like you either, and that’s OK as long as you don’t let this bruise your ego every time attraction is unreciprocated.

Be yourself.

It’s normal to be nervous and want to impress your date—we all want to be liked. But sometimes nerves get the best of you, and you wind up doing what I call “false advertising.” This is when you’re not really demonstrating who you are, but rather trying to be the person you think your date wants you to be.

Don’t give in to this anxiety. Bring your personality to the table, and be confidant in who you are. The right person is going to adore your quirks.

Remember that this potential partner needs to fit comfortably into your life, too.

Tune out of your own self-talk and into what your date is saying so that you can better evaluate whether you even like him or her. Bring a positive attitude with you, and remind yourself that you are deserving and worthy of a loving relationship.

My favorite memories are of my dad’s bedtime stories. Now I know why.

If there’s one thing my husband and I always argue about, it’s our kids’ nighttime routine. We’re at the point where we’d like to see our kids, ages 7 and 5, taking their showers and brushing their teeth by themselves, but it hasn’t happened yet. My husband has a 55-hour work week, while I juggle motherhood, freelance writing, and volunteering at my kids’ school, so by the time 7 PM rolls around, we’re both exhausted. And the struggle is real to get our kids to bed without dragon breath.

When I think back to my own childhood, I can’t remember my parents getting on my case about getting ready for bed by 8 PM, but what I do remember is my father always reading me a bedtime story before the lights were turned out. I vividly recall him reading me my favorite Berenstain Bears series, The Day Snuffy Had the Sniffles, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and so many others. I’m sure my mother read to me too, but for some reason I mostly remember lying on the floor of our living room with my dad, snacking on a Kit-Kat bar and listening to him read.

Well, apparently there’s a few good reasons why I have so many vivid memories of my father reading me my favorite books. According to a Harvard University study, children benefit more from their father reading bedtimes stories than their mother. First, it’s because dads are more likely to spark imaginative discussions, and second, since reading is often seen as a feminine activity, when a male reads there’s a good chance that a child is more inclined to listen.

Now, before you take out your pitchforks, yes I know moms are great readers, too (I’m one myself). But the study also further explains that moms are more likely to ask factual questions after a story while dads often like to discuss details that are more cognitively challenging (as in encouraging children to use their brains more for language development.)

Recently, British comedian David Walliams led an initiative to get dads to read with their children for at least 20 minutes a day — and I couldn’t agree with him more. In my own home, I’ve noticed that my children are more inclined to listen to my husband when he’s reading to them than when I do. It might be his deep, masculine voice or his unique command of words, but whatever it is, they’re listening. And that’s what matters, right?

So does all of this mean that dads are doing better jobs than moms when it comes to the all-important nighttime countdown with a book? Not necessarily. I’d argue that kids being read to by anyone is better than them not being read to at all. But if my kids are more inclined to remember a story from my husband reading it to them than me, then by all means he can read every Amelia Bedelia and Charlie and Lola book under the sun. I have no problem taking a spot on the foot of the bed and listening in, too.

The best benefit to having my husband read to our kids is that it de-stresses him after a long day at work and it also gives me an opportunity to relax and wind down, too.

Now if only we can get our kids to remember to brush their teeth before their bedtime story, we’d all win.

The life of an entrepreneur is stressful, full of stress that the average person never faces; men, learning to de-stress and unwind is vital to your health and relationships.

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Doing a few simple things every day to nourish yourself is easy to do.

You know you should relax more, your wife is always reminding you. She’s right, but it’s not always easy to do as a busy entrepreneur. Taking the time every day to prepare yourself mentally, to exercise and renew your body, and nourish your relationship with your family, will not only have you producing better business results, but you will be healthier in mind, body, and spirit.

There’s good news! Doing a few simple things every day to nourish yourself is easy to do and doesn’t take a lot of time…and yes, your wife will approve!

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Meditate every morning. Yes, men meditate, and meditation is good for the soul. The quiet, the solitude; starting the day with a peaceful, serene atmosphere will help you gain clarity and renew your spirit, so you’re ready to tackle the day. Meditation doesn’t have to be an hour long process, even five or ten minutes first thing in the morning is enough to have a huge impact on your health and well-being.

Just find a comfortable place, not too comfy or you might fall asleep, and allow your mind to relax. If you’re new to meditation, don’t be intimidated, mediating is a journey, and your journey will improve the more you follow through. The science on meditation indicates that it is just as important as working out.

Which brings us to exercise–essential for your health and de-stressing, workout every morning. When time is short, even a few minutes will get the blood pumping–did you know exercise increases the blood flow to the brain? It also increases testosterone; that’s right–exercise makes you more of a man. Exercise is a great way to stay fit as well as stay sharp and may even give you your next big idea.

After meditating and working out, your body and spirit are ready for what the day may throw at you. Now, it’s time to tackle work! The next step to starting your day stress-free is to have a business meeting with yourself.

A daily business meeting with yourself first thing in the morning means that you will be focused on what is truly important for the day. Block out an hour every morning to just think about your business–no meetings, no calls; just time to think–unrushed. Think about where you are headed, your goals, your accomplishments, your employees, even those problems; this is the time to be focused and concentrate.

If you can’t devote an entire hour to a business meeting, figure out how much time you can spend focused on your business first thing in the morning. Even 15 minutes a day is more time than you’re spending now!

Be sure to schedule breaks throughout the day. As Michael Hyatt says, “If it’s not on the calendar it doesn’t get scheduled.” Putting breaks throughout the day on your calendar ensures that you will take a break to stretch and clear your head, rejuvenating yourself for the next stretch of work.

This one may be the hardest–when you’re home, be home. Be present, put the phone and laptop away and don’t think about work. This may be even harder to do if you work at home. But for your sanity and the health of your relationship with your family, you must give your family the time and attention they deserve. Your wife will thank you!

Constantly checking your phone or answering emails hurts relationships, we know this. Requiring yourself to take time off work and be fully present with your loved ones communicates to them that they are what’s important to you, that all the hard work you do is for them. While it’s not always easy to turn off your business mind, try leaving your laptop and phone at the office.

As an entrepreneur, you’re blazing their trail, seeing and doing business.

Besides taking time daily to spend with your family, you need to take a day or two away from work as well. Do you even remember what a “real” weekend is like? No business, no deadlines, no rush? If you’re like most entrepreneurs, you probably work at least a little bit every day. Try taking an entire day off and see what that does for you and see how your family reacts.

When you’re ready, take two days off in a row and when you’ve finally mastered that, your family would love to have a “real” vacation.

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As an entrepreneur, you’re blazing their trail, seeing and doing business like it’s never been done before, but sometimes it takes time-tested strategies to keep your mind, body, and spirit healthy. Taking the time every day to nourish yourself and your relationships will ensure that you don’t lose sight of what’s important and that you never sacrifice your health.

Mark Liebenow believes men have been conditioned for too long to hide their grief. It’s time to talk about it.

Men have emotions the size of an ocean, but they have an emotional toolbox the size of a walnut for talking about them. Or so we’ve been told. For some of us it’s true. For many of the rest, we just have our priorities mixed up.

When we try to express our grief through this walnut-sized hole, we’re so unsure what’s going on that the pressure builds up and what comes through is so forceful that it knocks people over. This is a problem for men and women, because we no longer speak the language of grief.

My impression is that men talk less about their emotions than women do. Possibly a lot less. You’re probably saying, “Duh!” For many people, showing their grief in public feels like a sign of weakness, of not being in control.

Not talking about grief is not a gender issue, it’s a societal problem.

Think of the recent division of opinions about Vice President Joe Biden sharing his grief. A world leader, a person with enormous power, was being human, and some people didn’t like this. My feeling is, if you can’t cry when your son dies, whether you’re male or female, then I wouldn’t trust you as a leader. Part of being human is expressing what you’re feeling instead of bottling it up.

Women aren’t stigmatized the same way as men for showing strong emotions. They’re stigmatized in a different way.

My impression is that women often get together to talk about life issues. And yet, even though they have a support network, I think women are also reluctant to share their grief, especially when it lasts longer than a month. Not talking about grief is not a gender issue, it’s a societal problem.

Many of us don’t share our grief with anyone until our friends force us to talk, if we have good friends. Or we overwork until we collapse, hoping grief will go away, which it won’t. Then our lives fall apart and we are put into therapy by professional health people where we are required to talk.

I could have been one of them.

When I was early in grief, I looked at every resource and found little that dealt with the actual experience. Thankfully there are more resources available today, although I still haven’t found many that are written by men.

I moved through life perched in my head, and I took enormous pride in getting more work done than anyone else.

I wasn’t good at expressing my emotions before death kicked me in the heart. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to share. I wasn’t sure what I was feeling, and I didn’t know how to express it.

Men of my generation, and well as the men of the generation before and after, didn’t learn how to express feelings when we were growing up. I moved through life perched in my head, and I took enormous pride in getting more work done than anyone else. Emotions got in my way because they weren’t productive.

A couple of matters kept me going as I struggled to make sense of grief.

Every week for a long time, one of my friends, and some of my wife’s friends whom I barely knew, would show up on my doorstep wanting to hear how grief was going. It was so consistent that I thought someone was coordinating the visits, although I never found out if this was true. I became comfortable sharing because people kept coming back wanting to listen.

There was also an older man, a friend of my in-laws, who lost his wife the year before me. Whenever I thought I was grieving wrong, he’d reassure me that I was doing fine. Simply knowing that my journey was likely to take a year or more instead of one month, kept me from panicking.

Faith can help us cope, but it can also encourage us to deny we are grieving.

It doesn’t help that in our society we don’t talk about grief. It doesn’t help that we hide death away in hospitals and funeral homes. It doesn’t help that we have forgotten the rites, rituals, and observances that used to guide people through grief.

Faith can help us cope, but it can also encourage us to deny we are grieving. Biden is going through an honest struggle with his faith. In my compassionate Christian congregation, no one knew what to say for Evelyn dying young and unexpectedly. But I did stumble upon the wisdom of 3000-year-old traditions in Judaism for those who are grieving, and they helped me create a framework for working with grief.

Even if women don’t talk about grief when they get together, they still get together. Even without saying anything about grief, they know they have the support of a group of people as they share their feelings in general ways.

My close male friends were compassionate, intelligent, and verbal, but they hadn’t experienced the grief of a spouse so our discussions ended up rather one-sided. Yet they were willing to be present and listen. I am grateful for them.

If nothing else works, mute the TV during commercial breaks when watching sports and ask how they’re doing.

My whole point is that we need to encourage grieving men to talk about what is going on inside them. We need to provide opportunities where they can share their few sentences of feelings, because even getting this much out will make them feel better. Quality not quantity is the man’s way. Women would call this “terse;” men call it “to the point.”

Men like to work quietly through their emotions. But grief is a huge event and we need to share with someone about it — friends, support groups, or therapists. It helps to hear someone else’s perspective. We can’t force men to share, but we can let them know that we’re available whenever they feel like sharing, and this leaves the door open.

A one-on-one discussion over coffee is one way to help that isn’t intimidating. If nothing else works, mute the TV during commercial breaks when watching sports and ask how they’re doing. This will give them until the next commercial break to rummage around inside and find something to say. Bring beer.

Men need to talk about what they’re feeling. They need to share their grief before their emotions shut them down, their faces go hard, their hearts turn small and bitter like walnuts, and they no longer care about themselves or anyone else.

Men like to solve problems, but grief isn’t a problem to be solved. We can’t think our way through this. It’s a journey we have to take, and it helps to have someone to talk to on the way.

Make the most of your less-than-ideal situation.

The holidays are a time for joy and celebration for many people. It’s a time to see old friends, get together with family, and share in love and laughter with people we enjoy.

But for many people, the holidays are a time of stress. Long-standing family conflicts and decades-old wounds can easily rise to the surface, resulting in a good deal of anxiety for everyone involved.

Although you can’t control other people, the one thing you can control is yourself. These five tips will help you take control of your own attitude and actions so you can have a positive experience this holiday season . . . no matter what others say and do.

1. Accept that you can’t make everyone happy.

No matter how hard you try, it is simply impossible to make everyone happy. If this is your goal, you will always come away frustrated.

For example, my parents have been divorced for twenty years. That’s two households we need to visit around the holidays. Then when you add my wife’s family, that makes three places we need to visit. Although they all live less than a two-hour-drive away, it’s still a major juggling act to make sure we see everyone. And inevitably, someone will be unhappy that we can’t attend their gathering when they would like us to be there.

You have to make decisions that are best for you and your family and let the chips fall where they may.

For many years, this really bothered me because I can’t stand conflict. I hated the fact that someone would be upset with us. However, I eventually came to accept that not everyone would be happy with how we allotted our family time during the holidays. You can’t live your life for other people. You have to make decisions that are best for you and your family and let the chips fall where they may.

2. Don’t assume you have to be best friends with every family member.

Many people have a hard time getting along with their highly dysfunctional family members. I’m fortunate because I have great relationships with my brother and his family, my parents and their spouses, and my wife’s family. I genuinely like them all. But not everyone is so lucky.

Some people feel guilty because they don’t enjoy being around extended family. They assume they should be best friends with family members. But real life is not like an episode of Leave it to Beaver, where everyone gets along all the time and everything always works out in the end. You can’t force a close relationship if one doesn’t already exist. We should make our best effort to be civil to people in our family, but we don’t necessarily have to be best friends.

3. Set a good example for the kids.

When you’re at the Thanksgiving table and that quirky uncle says something off-kilter, or that socially awkward cousin does something odd, it’s easy to lash out and give them a piece of your mind. But before you do that, think about the kids in your midst. Are you setting a good example of responding in an appropriate way?

Do our kids see us talking trash about other family members one minute, then putting on a fake face to them the next one?

Kids are perceptive, and they see and hear much more than we realize. Do they see us talking trash about other family members one minute, then putting on a fake face to them the next? Do they see us being the same person no matter what situation we are in, treating everyone with respect? Or do they see us being two-faced, telling one person this and another person that?

The holidays are a great time for character-building in stressful situations. Let’s rise to the occasion and show our kids how to show love and patience, and take a genuine interest in others even though we may not always feel like it.

4. Let go of the need to have a perfect holiday season.

In American culture, we have an ideal that life during the holiday season is supposed to magically transform into a month-long scene from a Hallmark movie. Everyone gets along, problems come to a neat resolution, and there is peace on earth and goodwill toward all people.

But in our hearts we know this isn’t realistic. The American ideal of a perfect holiday season filled with joy and perfection is just a cultural construct that is often more stressful than helpful. There is nothing inherently special about Thanksgiving, Christmas, or any other holiday for that matter, in terms of how family members should relate to one another. But in our minds, we create a scenario where the holiday season means that everyone gets along, you have the perfect gifts for loved ones, and everything goes as planned.

Why do we put so much pressure on the holidays to be special? Why should it be different than any other time of the year? Shouldn’t we strive for peace, love, and kindness during the whole year?

I’m not saying we shouldn’t enjoy the holidays. What I’m saying is that sometimes we put too much pressure to have this perfect experience during the holidays, only to inevitably let the let down when it doesn’t go quite as planned.

5. Take the lead in setting the emotional tone of the gathering.

If you know you’re going to be spending some time with a family member who gets on your nerves, take the initiative to establish a positive vibe at the first opportunity. When we’re uncomfortable, we tend to go into a reactionary mode and simply respond to what others say and do. Instead, grab the bull by the horns and set a positive, friendly tone for the gathering. Play offense, not defense.

Grab the bull by the horns and set a positive, friendly tone for the gathering. Play offense, not defense.

This process begins in your heart, and must start before you pull in the driveway or open your front door to welcome people. It must begin now. Is there bitterness in your heart toward a family member? Is there anger? Is there a difficult conversation you need to have? Sometimes people will not respond as we’d like, but we must do our part to make peace when we can. If we do that, we can enter into a holiday gathering with a clear conscience, knowing that we’ve done our part.

Families come in all shapes and sizes, and we all have various kinds of problems. My suggestion is here may or may not help you in your specific situation. But I hope that at least it’s inspired you to think about some ways that you can enjoy the holidays under less than perfect circumstances. If we let go of our unrealistic expectations, we may find that we can actually enjoy the holidays more.

Don’t let the minutia ruin your bond.

Sometimes the toilet seat up is just the toilet seat up. But other times, that vertical piece of porcelain in the powder room is nothing short of a death wish, proof that your man never really loved you or respected you, and a justifiable cause for exiling him to the land where couches replace beds and where sex is a single-person sport.

At least that’s how it feels.

An article in Psychology Todayexplains that petty annoyances can easily “coalesce into a vast, submerged force when they take on a different meaning in your mind, when you add them up as evidence of a character flaw or moral defect.” But they don’t have to.

“Every annoyance in a relationship is really a two-way street. Partners focus on what they’re getting, not on what they’re giving. But no matter how frustrating a partner’s behavior, your interpretation is the greater part of it. What matters is the meaning you attach to it,” the article says.

But what interpretation, you might ask, could possibly make those socks in the hall and those whiskers in the sink any less aggravating? Is there really any deeper meaning (other than “I’m an inconsiderate jerk”) to those empty milk cartons in the refrigerator?

There might be. Here a few of the petty annoyances you should try to attach new meanings to, and how.

1. Messiness

It’s easy to feel as though messiness is a sign of disrespect, especially when there’s no toilet paper on the roll and three wet towels on the floor. But the fact of the matter is that one-half of a partnership is always going to be messier than the other. Remember this.

“Instead of focusing on how inadequately he cleans, remind yourself of how much you appreciate his contribution to household chores. Changing your perspective can not only resolve the irritating issue, it can mend the dynamic of the whole relationship.”

2. Seemingly deliberate habits

Do you really mean to chew your food the way you do? Laugh at the stuff that makes you laugh? Sing in a way that makes dogs in the next neighborhood squeal in pain? Probably not. And you know what? It might be the case that your sweetheart isn’t deliberately trying to irritate you either.

Maybe he’s not aware of the fact that his snoring makes you want to poison him in his sleep. Maybe his nail-biting has nothing to do with you. Maybe you need to stop taking everything he does so personally. Once you do that, consider whether or not you can live with the annoyance. If not, feel free to gently enlighten him about the fact that he hums when he reads makes it difficult for you to concentrate on watching TV.

There’s nothing wrong with a little how-do-you-do, but if your partner’s flirting has crossed the line from innocent friendliness to outright irritation, the article recommends that you “look beyond your own hurt feelings and ask yourself what your partner is looking for.”

It might be the case that he wants more quality time, less nagging, more help with household chores, or just a little bit more fun. Take an honest look at what you are and aren’t giving each other, and do your best to bring that back to the relationship.

4. Criticism

Communication is good, but too much communication is bad. And yes, it’s possible to communicate too much. If you feel that you and your partner are talking and talking, but all that’s coming out is criticism and complaining, interrupt things.

Add some playfulness or a joke or an overtly affectionate move to the interaction. The goal in doing so isn’t to shut down the conversation, but to make it more constructive and a little kinder. It might just be that you’ll say less, but hear (and love) each other a little more in the long run.