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I know I am new here, but I thought I would start a diary as it may help me along the way.

I am now 10 days - no bet. I do not want to bet and it is not on my mind. And that is what confuses me? How can I go long periods not even thinking about gambling and then bang! I get sucked in again?

I have thought based OCD, and yes it plays with my life and has done since I was a kid. I have started counselling and they think I am using gambling to escape reality when something bad happens in my life. They also think I may be Bipolar 2, so that is another road I may be going down. This episode of gambling came after a break of 3 years 4 months. In that time I never cared about having a bet, in fact, I hated the thought of doing it. Now I know I will go a long time now without gambling. I just worry that a future episode of bad news may kick me off again. I want this thing gone out of my life.

I am determined to rid myself of it. I will do the counselling and anything else that is suggested. I will have any test they want to check for Bipolar. I know I have mental health issues, but I do not want to use them as an excuse. I have to take control of my thoughts and my mind. I am even signing up for a Mindfulness course.

I want to be free more than anything. I cannot keep hurting those I love.

Hiya ant welcome to the forum I'm quite new myself it's good that you have realised you have a problem and are doing something about it . You are in the right place and there are many people who can give you some really good advice .take it one day at a time and ring gamcare they do one on one councillor and might be easier to talk one on one rather than in a group good luck in your recovery mate

Had a good day with my boy today. a play centre then something to eat. Realising what is important in my life.

Me and my wife are still apart and I have no idea what way that is going to go. I can only hope that in time I can show her how much I want to and have changed. If I can get an understanding of my mental health condition I can get a grip on the gambling, I know I can. What the future holds for us as a family only time will tell. I would not blame her never wanting to go back there again. We have both formed a pact to protect our boy who is 7 and autistic. We are happy mummy and daddy to him and on Weds we are all going on a pre booked holiday, so some nice time with our boy.

Good going on day 12 - sounds like your child is your world right now, exactly how it should be. Being free from the shackles of gambling let's us become human again, we genuinely interact with others, we no longer wear a mask and passively make our way through life.

Enjoy your afternoon wander too, just be on your guard in case your wander ends up as a subconscious wander to somewhere that might lead to greater temptation.

Great to hear Ant 13 days gf what a feeling eh .I'm currently lieing next to my 18 month old little girl there's not a.better feeling my 3 year old.lad his in his bed fast asleep.these are the people.we should be spending our hard earned cash on and definitely our time on .all the money and time.spent on gambling can now.be put into our children keep.going pal your doing great

Second bout of counselling today. It went well and I am looking forward to the remaining sessions.

They were explaining the bipolar 2 today.I think it is pretty clear to everyone, myself included, that I have it. If so, then so be it, and I will get through it. At least if I know what I have I can deal with it. That aside, I feel good and I am in a good place at the moment.

Been busy this morning as we are going away for 9 days today. Flight at 5pm. I am just going to enjoy this break and be a family again. Ok, I have no idea what the future holds for me and my wife, no idea if we will ever sort it out and try again, but I am learning to enjoy the special things.

Back from a nice holiday. Had a great time with the little guy. Me and his mum, who knows? a long long way to go before anything could even start to move forward, that is if it ever does. I need to sort myself out first. Back to counselling on Tuesday and looking forward to it.

That is what makes me wonder why I did it in the first place? I hate it, I hate doing it, and I hate what it turns me into. I know my addiction is because of my mental health. I just want it gone and I am going to fight and win this battle. I gamble when I face something severe in my life. It is my escapism from reality. If I can get to terms with why I go to that place during strong stress, then I can overcome it, I know I can. It is a challenge that will not be easy by any means, but I am determined to beat it in the end and be free.

27 days of life showing me how good things can be. Yes, me and my wife are in a bad place and who knows if that will ever be mended? But I am at least starting to see what I have in life, starting to appreciate it again, hopefully enjoy it and live happy. Decorating the house since yesterday, great for my mind.

I had another round of counselling today. It went well. They are trying to push through my diagnosis for Bipolar. There really is now little doubt that I have it. In a way I am happy as I now know what it is and I can at least start to deal with it. I am also happy to go ahead with medication to control it. I have been reading up on Bipolar. I am ready to accept that I have it and it is a part of who I am.

Bit of a weird day today. I have accepted that I have Bipolar. I am reading up on it as much as I can and all I see is my life and who I am. Of course, it is great that I finally now know and can start to do something about it. I just feel so sad that I have had this illness without knowing and it has basically ruined my life. It just all feels so unfair that if I had known what I had then my life could have been different. Life really sucks at times. I will get there and be strong again.

I am in a good place. I am starting to feel angry now that I know about the Bipolar. It seems as if my life would have been different if I had been diagnosed years back. I feel angry and sad that it has never been picked up on. On the plus side I now know what I am dealing with and I can aim towards helping myself gain control of my life. I know that stressful situations send me to gambling as an escapism. However, I now know it is my Bipolar sending me there. If I can find the trigger that sends me to gamble I can control it and seek another way to cope. Of course, medication may be enough to do that, though they are going to work with me on the psychiatric route as well. This is also the case for other things in my life, my lack of self esteem, my doubt in myself, my blaming myself for things I have nothing to do with, and my thought process. I mean, my emotions are way off the scale and I always wondered why others did not feel as I did. Now I understand it is my bipolar. Now none of this is going to be easy and it will all take time, emotion, and it will drain me, but I can do it. I went 3 years 4 months not wanting to bet and it was only after my wife nearly died that I began again. Yes I am stupid and I have to take the blame for things, though I can see from my therapy that my Bipolar pushes me there through stressful events. I can find that trigger and I can free myself. I want taht more than anything. In a way it is rather crazy and yes while I am angry my Bipolar was not picked up earlier in my life, I am in a strange way now happy that I know I have it and what I am dealing with. It has already explained so much to me.

Hiya ant thanks for.my comments on my diary I'm still here bud .day 6 after my small slip had no urges to gamble.as.my life's been so septic with home.life and work .my partner is having tests for bipolar which is hard at minute and I can imagine how hard it is for you as well as the gambling addiction.mate listen 30.days is unbelievable if you can do that and stop gambling the world's your oyster keep on going pal and hope.to.speak soon

A strange few days. Emotions, feelings, everything, is just up the wall. My marriage is basically over and that saddens me as she is such a wonderful lady. Finding out I have bipolar has been difficult to take, even though it explains things and means I can now get the help that I need. I know I gamble when super stressed, and I know I can now find that trigger and beat it. It is that destruction my antics have caused that brings the most sorrow and pain. Even though I know my illness was pushing me to these places during bad events I still need to accept I had my own mind through it all. I knew what I was doing was bad and what it would cause. The crazy thing is now that I know about my bipolar I will end up with medication and treatment that will stop me going to gamble if I am highly stressed. It was only almost seeing my wife die ( cardiac arrest, I gave CPR) that stressed me enough to gamble after 3 and a half years. That was without knowing my illness. Now I know I am certain I can find my coping method. Sadly, it all seems to late for my marriage to the girl who is also my best mate. That I can never forgive myself for.

Moan over. Believe it or not I am positive for the first time in many years. I will get there.

Those dark clouds are looming. Not for a bet as I hate that with a passion. It is my depression starting to kick in. I can feel it taking over me and the hopelessness is starting to talk to me. Sometimes I just go into depression and do not notice it. I can go a whole day and have no idea what I have done, sometimes even more. Other times I feel the depression coming and I want to just curl up. I want the world to go away. Some depression episodes are just so numb. My emotions for anyone or anything are numb. It is during these periods that I think "what is the point in life?" a few times I have fallen alseep and been disappointed to find myself still alive. It can be a horrible place that I cannot describe. I have never told anyone about it as I have slipped into it. I mean, how can I tell those I care about? How can I explain and share that horrible place with them? I have never once told anyone. That is until this moment. Yep all, it is you lot who are the first people ever to know that I am slipping into a depression episode. Believe it or not this is a good thing. I can open up a little and I have never done that before. I feel OK here and I thank you all. I have a million miles to go, many corners to turn, and probably a few U-Turns along the way. But I have my foot on that road. I have at last spoken as I slip. I have bipolar, I will have it for all of my life, but at last I know, I now have the opportunity to grow.

Well done for posting and sharing about how you are feeling at the moment, and what you are experiencing with your bipolar.

Please keep posting if you feel it helps to talk. And if you perhpas feel like you would benefit from further support also please call the Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or the Netline, and also the Samaritans on 116 123.

Hi Ant, I've just taken time to read your diary and would like to say well done on your journey thus far mate! You've had a few setbacks along the way but you've shown great strength and determination to overcome those in the last 32 days. I'm beginning my journey tonight but I shall take great inspiration from your journey so far. I'm awaiting confirmation for 1:1 counselling sessions. Very nervous about them as I've never done anything like that in the past.

I am fine. Just coming to terms with things. My mental health needs sorting and my marriage is unlikely to survive. My wife says she has had enough, she cannot trust me again, I am no good for her, and she no longer loves me. Sometimes I can see hate in her eyes and that hurts. She told me today that she believes I have not loved her in a long time, says she has become just a habit to me. That is a million miles from the truth. I love her so much that it hurts. I understand she is hurt, but not loving her, that has never been the case. I know I am screwed up, and I would never want us to try again unless I can fix my head as it would be pointless. The only hope that I have is that I can fix my mental health, improve my life, and prove to her I have changed. Even then it would take counselling as I never want a quick fix taht papers over cracks. If that is not enough then so be it. I will be gutted, but I would have to accept it. I doubt it would ever even get there though as my wife does not believe I mean it. She says I am just manipulative and trying to make her feel sorry for me. I can honestly tell you all that is not the case, but what can I do, it all seems hopeless now. Even the bipolar is an issue and she does not want me to talk about it to her. I cannot blame her though, and I would not trust me. This is what gambling does.

I am OK, I am just letting off steam. Something I should have learned to do years ago.

I have no celebration in me. I guess the impact of everything I have done is sinking in? People tell me I have to stop being so hard on myself and that I have to learn to forgive and like myself. However, that is hard to do when you despise everything that you did and the trouble you brought to those you loved, the lives you ruined, the upset you caused. Some say it is my mental health causing a lot of the gambling, seeking escapism from reality, though I also know I also have to take blame for the things I did. I am very low at this moment. My depression has upped in the last few days and I just have to ride it through. Don't worry, I will be fine. Even at my darkest moment when I am numb and have no emotions I can still pull through. I am opening up on here, it is a good place, this is good for me as I never open up.

I am in my depression mode now. It is one of the better ones as the bad ones will keep me away from the internet or basically anything else. In a bad depression I do what I need to for my boy or home. Basically everything else is gone. But I come through them. This one will pass and I am now talking about them, something I never did.

Just read through your recent posts and it is really painful to see how low you are. I know it is difficult to do but you really do need to start forgiving yourself, you did not set out to go down this journey. You have a son and that is a gift you can cherish.

Keep going Ant! 36 days gamble free is no mean feat! You're doing fantastically well. Building those days up nicely and getting further and further away from that last bet. It's fast becoming a distant memory. It's time to look to the future. You can control what happens next buddy! Enjoy the peace and assurance that not gambling offers. More importantly, keep posting on here to get continued support. We're all behind you champ! :)

Moorey, Muststop, ODAAT, thank you for you comments. They mean a lot and really do help.

I have an early counselling session today and I need it and am looking forward to it. - Those are words I would never have said a few weeks ago so things are getting better a bit. Anyone who has read my diary will know a lot of my problems (not just gambling) are mental health related and that I need, and want, to try and sort out a way that I can live a decent life. I am in a depression mode at the moment and the bipolar that I knew nothing about until 5 weeks ago had totally freaked me out. However, knowing what it is means I can face it and look for the way to cope. I will get there and the main thing is that I want to get there. I can now see my wife falling to bits with her own issues. It would not be fair of me to detail them on here with her not a part of that, but basically the mental scars of her surviving a cardiac arrest and a stay on ICU are getting stronger. She was also on HRT before her CA and now she can no longer take it and that is effecting her. Then, add in a stupid hubby who has not helped matters with his daft head and gambling. I can see her going downhill. She is trying to get the help she needs and has started back exercising, healthy eating etc. She does not want me to worry about het but that is impossible after 25 years together. OK rant over, will talk about my session later.

Hiya Ant great to see your progress and I'm really hoping your session goes well with councillor .with all what your going through and staying gamble free it's absolutely something be proud of keep going pal you no where I am if you need a chat top man Jft

Still in a depression mood. Got myself out to a meeting today which I enjoyed. I nice project is in the pipeline for me and I am looking forward to it. I am trying to keep busy today rather than let the depression rule me. Some work for a website to get done taht should take a few hours so off to do that now.

Still in a bit of s depression mode. Had a fun afternoon with the little guy though. Me and his mum took him to a play centre and for a bite to eat. It was good. It is nice that we can still do these things together and not want to kill each other if you get what I mean. Feeling a bit low tonight but keeping busy with some online work as I wait, and hope, for the mood to pass.