Jon Snow murdered by Channel 4 colleagues

Veteran Channel 4 newsreader Jon Snow was murdered last night by members of his own broadcasting team. The horrific attack took place during a live newscast that sent shock-waves across the nation. Colleagues including Krishnan Guru-Murthy, Cathy Numan and an annoying intern called Olly, stabbed Jon Snow multiple times while accusing him of being 'a traitor working for ITN.' Frantic producers were forced to switch to an impromptu weather report, which ominously concluded that 'Winter is coming!'

Since arriving at Channel 4 1989, Jon Snow had risen in stature to become the company's longest-running presenter. However, despite his professional success and laid-back charm he attracted many enemies. In October last year a heated row erupted in the Channel 4 studios between Snow and backbench Tory MP Philip Davies, who accused the presenter of 'left wing bias' before calling him 'a complete and utter bastard!' Eyebrows were also raised in 2010 when Snow married a Zimbabwean academic 27 years his junior, despite taking the vow of celibacy that is customary for all British news anchors.

Celebrities across the country will commemorate the presenter's untimely death by wearing wacky coloured socks and ties for remainder of the month. The items will then auctioned off and profits used to buy a stab-proof vest for Snow's eventual replacement.

Elsewhere, just when disgraced British tourist Eleanor Hawkins thought her nightmare was finally over, the lewd graduate is in for a shock. Reports claim she has been kidnapped by a local group calling themselves the ‘Pigeons’, who are demanding that she repent the offence caused against the Malaysian mountain gods. The teenager will be forced to walk naked through the streets of Draycott back to her home, followed by the entire Derby County football team chanting, ‘Shame, shame, shame!’

Local residents are encouraged to attend the event where they can throw rotten vegetables and excrement at the girl, shout obscene abuse, spit in her face and even flash their genitalia. City counsellors say they are powerless to stop the public shaming, but wished Ms Hawkins the best of luck during her ordeal.