Other Frat Animals That Will Make Your House Top Tier

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There’s been a lot of rage over frat goats in the last couple decades. They’re basically the fraternity men of the animal kingdom, seeing as how they eat anything, pull crazy amounts of tail, and poop where and when they want. The classic frat hound is, of course, the staple of any chapter. If you don’t have at least one guy with a dog, you’re clearly bottom-tier and should be treated as such. Shame on you. Sometimes there’s that one guy who eats way too many mushrooms with a snake or some other terrible critter, too. Stop spending money on mice and drugs and pay your social fee, Dave.

This got me thinking about other alternatives. What creatures can we effectively domesticate as a way to both assert our dominance over the natural world and stick it to those assholes at PETA? I’ve been in the lab running statistics on the Karl-Computer, and I think we have a few answers. These creatures are not for everybody. Indeed, some of them might even end up causing more damage to the house than Dave when he sees the devil again. Still, it is our job as masters of all we survey to make these animals (franimals?) part of our culture.

*DISCLAIMER* If you take this too seriously and end up adopting a crocodile or some shit, it’s not my fault if it backfires. Neither I nor Grandex will pay for your new leg. Have some fucking common sense.

1. Pygmy Elephant

I actually looked this one up to be sure it exists and OH MY GOD IT’S SO CUUUTE! Indigenous to Borneo, these elephants grow to about nine feet tall, so pygmy doesn’t mean it’ll fit in your backpack. What better way to represent your proud conservative values than with your very own house elephant? I mean sure, it’ll be a bitch to feed and take care of, but that’s what pledges are for. You can even give him a badass name like George (Bush, W. Bush, Washington, whichever one you choose) or Lumpy. All I know is that nobody is going to try to rob your house when there’s a fucking elephant guarding it. Plus, elephant rides for charity. Very frat.

2. Cheetah

Going 0-70 quickly and for short periods of time is both how I make love and how these sumbitches live. When you have your very own Chester, you can pretty much be assured that the poon will come to you. Chicks dig kitties and size (*weeps*), and these guys have both. In terms of upkeep, you’ll probably need to increase your gazelle budget by a couple thousand, but it’ll be so worth it come deer season. Even if Bambi makes a run for it, you can sick your loyal cheetah on him and he’ll be down for the count, The Counselor-style. Teach him to play fetch and you’ll have birds down and in the bag in like four seconds or some shit. Just make sure to lock the gate or Spot could easily end up terrifying a couple local hamlets/student groups. Be responsible.

3. Gremlin

Yeah, I hear what you’re saying. “Gremlins aren’t real, Karl. Stop hanging out with Dave before noon.” Well, they made a movie about them so they have to be real. Everyone knows that films are required to have intellectual value, otherwise they wouldn’t have made so many Transformers movies. You just have to be really, really careful about taking them to the beach and avoid letting Tubbs slip them a Twinkie after he gets back from the bar. In the likely event that it does end up getting wet or eating after midnight, your chapter is a lot better equipped to deal with the fallout than the plebeians in that documentary. They won’t even want to hide in the toilet or anything because our bathrooms are notoriously disgusting, and a well-formed pledge army will be ideal cannon fodder in case of emergency. Use your resources.

Those are just a few examples of some franimals you animals can include in your chapter, but I’m definitely open to suggestions in the comments. I’m sure that the next time those bottom-tier assholes try to flaunt their ferret or what-the-fuck-ever, you’ll be prepared to break out the fraternity pachyderm and show them how winners operate. Be a good owner and your animal allies will propel your chapter to near legendary levels. Just don’t let those eco-terrorists at PETA get wind of this or you’ll end up going the way of SeaWorld and have to release your new friend to the wild. Or you can make your Gremlin deal with them. Totally..

Karl Karlson is TFM's self-proclaimed cartoon expert and your best buddy. He resides in the mountains of NC where he wrestles black bears and attempts to grow a beard. Karl gave up liquor following an unfortunate incident involving tequila and a vacuum cleaner, but he isn't above a nice stout on the porch.

Look, I know as soon as I say “cat” people are going to throw laps in my direction. But hear me out. I’m not talking about a normal cat. Go down to the rough part of town, and find a hungry one without a collar who knows how to stay alive. The scrapper. The one with a few nicks in its ears and scratches on its face that show you it can hold its own in a brawl. Bring that back to the house, crack open some porch drinks, and wait for that purebred frat lab from the house next door to think that’s it’s a good idea to chase the house cat. Then enjoy watching Bailey (or whatever his lame lab name is) scampering back to its house with its tail between its legs. Sure, you might get ringworm in the process, but who’s top house now?

For the sake of the easily offended precious snowflakes around here who need trigger warnings and safe spaces, that was a joke. (I actually have a dog, and would never own a cat. And to be honest, when my dog goes after a cat and comes back with a scratch, I don’t feel bad for her.)