November 13, 2013

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Deadly Virus Sweeping the Nation

BREAKING NEWS: If you work in an office building, you may be already dying!

That’s the news out of our nation’s capital today. Health officials have released a statement warning the public of a new virus that’s being transmitted via office bathrooms.

ReStockIt.com has interrupted our regularly scheduled blog post to bring you this urgent message. The full release continues below.

For Immediate Release

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Contributors:
World Health Organization
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services

Washington, D.C. – Patient Zero has been identified in what is believed to be the most quickly spreading virus since the 2009 H1N1 Swine Influenza pandemic. The family of Patient Zero has requested that she remain anonymous, for fear of public backlash.

The disease has been dubbed the “The Cubical Plague” and is transmitting most rapidly through the workplace. Many offices across the country have either shut down or are enforcing the government mandate of surgical masks.

However research is now showing that the virus does not appear to be airborne but rather transmitted through contact.

Offices and institutions that currently use bars of soap are strongly advised to switch to liquid or foam soaps and use touchless dispensers such as those found here to help stem transmission rates.

“We felt a joint release was necessary to help spread this message- we believe that great strides must be taken to slow the spreading of this disease,” CDC research Ted Bruski said.” Particular focus must be on the public diligently washing their hands.”

The only information available regarding Patient Zero is that she was Hispanic female in her late 30’s with an otherwise clean medical history.

The patient was declared deceased at 2:17 AM EST this morning after a sudden swelling of the brain and an elevated body temperature. Symptoms appear to mimic those of a variety of ailments, from dengue fever to encephalitis.

Arjay Singh, M.D. will be presenting an hour-long special report this evening on CNN at 8:00 PM EST.

Dr. Singh will be addressing many misconceptions people have regarding the virus, and how to combat it. Spokesperson Marissa Shujman of the Department of Health and Human Services will be joining the show via satellite for her first public appearance since the panic began.

“We urge the President to issue an official statement and assuage public concern over this growing epidemic.” Dr. Singh said. “He should use his platform to take a stance against fear mongers while reassuring the American people that their government has their health and safety in mind.”

“Once again, we strongly advise washing ones hands at every practical opportunity,” Shujman said. “You can do your part by sharing this information via social media. You may save a life.”