Lindy West

Pomegranate juice is fucking dumb. It costs a million dollars, it's hella bitter and gross, and all it's got going for it are "antioxidants," which is the scientific term for "advertising gimmick." Which is why it's so satisfying to hear that a federal judge has ruled that Pom Wonderful juice "used deceptive advertising when it implied its products could treat or prevent serious diseases and other medical conditions." Vindication! Gimme all the oxidants!!!

Now, don't get me wrong. I love a pomegranate, because a pomegranate is like part food and part game. Plus, you really feel like you're a part of an ecosystem—like a pomegranate tree might grow out of your toilet at any time. Also, you have to work for it. Strawberries and apples? Those dudes are total sluts. Not pomegranates. Pomegranates are like, "Fuck you. Eat me if you want to work for two hours, still be hungry, and end up looking like this guy."

But do we have to release a pomegranate-flavored version of every food? Every martini? Every iced tea? Every frozen yogurt? There's even pomegranate-scented shampoo. There's pomegranate Crystal Light. Oh, drink this pink sugar-water and it will cure all your Alzheimer's.

The judge said in his decision issued Monday that Pom used "insufficient" evidence to back its claims that Pom products "treat, prevent or reduce the risk of heart disease, prostate cancer or erectile dysfunction."

The judge did not find all Pom ads in the original complaint to be at fault. But one cited as deceptive described Pom juice as an "antioxidant superpower," and went on to say that antioxidants guard against agents that "can cause heart disease, premature aging, Alzheimer's disease, even cancer."

Like, you guys...you realize that if fruit was the cure for dying then there would be no dead people, right? And also no fruit, because a marauding horde of Bravo celebrities would have eaten it all. I'm not saying that antioxidant-laden fruits aren't good for you, I'm just saying that juice companies care way more about their profits than they do about your cancer.

Pom Wonderful (which, apparently, is owned by a ventriloquist-dummy version of Mrs. Garrett from Facts of Life) could be subject to a $16,000 fine "per incident." That sound you hear is acai berries getting an enormous boner.