Thursday, January 16, 2014

“Every morning, I wake up and forget for
just a second that it happened…But once my eyes open, it buries me like a
landslide of sharp, sad rocks. Once my eyes open, I’m heavy…like there’s to
much gravity on my heart…”

My dear sweet baby…Yesterday was 1 week since I was told you had no heartbeat...I woke up feeling like my heart was to heavy for my body...and even though I knew that you are safely being rocked up in Heaven every part of my body ached to have you safely back in my tummy...

My heart is hurting so bad for the things that I will never get to do and I can’t even begin to understand how to process this. I will never get to meet
you…lay my eyes upon you…hold your tiny little hand in mine…count your toes and
fingers…tell you over and over how wonderfully beautiful you are...rock you... You will never get to meet your older brother or sister....or the huge family that was excited to meet you... Most of all,
I will never be able to tell how sorry I am…

I thought that as the days went on that I would make sense
of things…that I would see things clearer…but as the time drags on day after
day you consume my thoughts and I can’t get one thought straight from the other.
I think back to the day in the doctors office when I found out I was
pregnant...I cried…not out of joy but out of selfishness. All I could think
about was how were your daddy and I going to afford another child…another mouth
to feed…and then I thought about how much I was going to dread breastfeeding
for another year. Dread…I actually remember thinking that exact word….How
incredibly selfish was I? I wasn’t thinking about this gift from heaven that
God was giving me…or how much Joy you would add to our life...Dread…that is what I was thinking...Ashamed does not even begin to describe how I feel...

My thoughts revolved around me...How I had worked so hard to get my body back in shape after I had your sister....How little sleep I was going to get...Was I still going to able to run my marathon I had trained so hard for....How I had to give up things for 9 months...me, me me...selfish, selfish, selfish....While at the Dr’s office, I
asked him if I could still run the marathon that I had trained for…seems so
unimportant now…but he said yes…as long as I stayed hydrated…so I ran. At mile
23, I started to cramp so I backed off…walked and ran the last 3 miles. Was
that you telling me something was wrong? I can’t help but to think “What if” I
had not run that weekend would I still have you safe in my stomach??

In 1 month’s time, your dad
and I had gone through the several stages....Shock, acceptance and finally excitement.
We were making plans and coming up with names for you…We were figuring things out and I was starting to see a tiny baby bump and I would smile when I looked in the mirror...You already had your
first nickname thanks to your Uncle Adam…”Frank the Tank” Jones…this came about
because your dad thought you would be a boy and said that a boy named Tank
Jones would be a force to be reckoned with…he was kidding but none the less…the
name stuck. I was finally starting to think that this was going to work…that we
would be ok…

I went in for my 11 week
check-up…I was giddy because I was going to hear your heartbeat...Dr. Logan came in the room and checked everything...tried to find the heartbeat as I anxiously waited to heat those tiny little thumps….she was having difficulty finding one and I remember thinking "Stubborn already"... She assured me that this was common at 11
weeks…she didn't seem at all worried something was wrong.....I was sent in for an ultrasound where the nurse took some several
pictures..5 minutes of no words being spoken she grabbed the pictures and said
she would be right back. I knew…I felt it… something was wrong… that word
again…Dread…Except this time is was with complete different feelings. This next
part I have replayed over and over in my head…from the facial expressions…to
the words. Dr. logan walked in with a grim face and said “There is no
heartbeat…”I sat there unable to fully
process her words…No heartbeat? How could that be? Why would God allow me to
get pregnant when there wasn’t supposed to be a chance of it…then allow this to
happen? What was the purpose? The reasoning??

I sat there in shock for a
moment…I felt tears but they didn’t drop…She talked for a few minutes…I am sure
it was reassurance…words of comfort…but honestly, I don’t remember. She gave me
a moment by myself to collect myself…I called Travis and asked him to meet me
at home… walked through the motions of the D&C appointment…got my next
appointment…a few hugs…and walked out the door and into my car where I called
my parents…and only then did I cry. I sat in my car…in that parking lot and
sobbed like a baby…for the baby that stopped developing at 9 weeks…for you. Was
this my punishment? Did God deciede that I was to selfish to give you to me? Of
course, I know that our God is a loving God …and has a plan for us….but why
this plan???

The guilt I feel is crushing
me…I feel like I can’t breathe at times. Night is worse…I lay in the bed
consumed with thoughts that wont go away. I can’t make heads or tails of
anything and all I want is to go back to the first doctors visit…I want to hear
your heartbeat. I want to change my reactions…my thoughts…I want to try to
change the outcome…I feel that I failed you as a mother…I was supposed to be
your protector until you came into this world…and I didn’t do that.

I am sorry little one…the
only comforting thought I have is that you are playing in heaven with all of
the other heaven babies…you have seen the beauty of heaven and will never know
the ways of this selfish world. I hope that when the day comes and I finally
meet you…that you forgive me….and know that I love you…

About me

Jessica

I am a artistic soul that loves music, art, and anything in between. Readling a good book is the best, and I always get sad when it ends... I love shoes, watermelon jolly ranchers, and the beach..I tend to speak before I think..but there is always a truth to what I say! I have a 9 year old son that brings out everything that is best and worst in me..Sometimes when I look at him its like I'm looking in a mirror..Being his mother is my greatest accomplishment... I have been married to my best friend for 6 years..He truly amazes me everyday..I am not perfect and I love learning about myself day to day..some good and some bad...but all in all..I kinda like me.. :)