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The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR")
Issue Number 1997-08
August, 1997
ISSN 1076-500X
Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the
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A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in
The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR),
the journal of inflated research and personalities
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1997-08-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS
1997-08-01 Table of Contents
1997-08-02 mini-Housekeeping Notes: Ig Nobel Tickets
1997-08-03 What's New in AIR
1997-08-04 In Search of the Improbable
1997-08-05 Correctness Survey Results: Reality -- Yes or No?
1997-08-06 Ig Nobel Tickets
1997-08-07 And Still More Wombatiana 2000
1997-08-08 Update: AIR Universal History Translation Project
1997-08-09 On Bites
1997-08-10 And Still More on Bites
1997-08-11 Further Adventures of C. Crawford, Chemical Engineer
1997-08-12 AIR Vents (letters from readers)
1997-08-13 AIRhead Project 2000
1997-08-14 May We Recommend
1997-08-15 AIRhead Events
1997-08-16 How to Subscribe to AIR (*)
1997-08-17 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*)
1997-08-18 Our Address (*)
1997-08-19 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*)
Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue.
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1997-08-02 mini-Housekeeping notes: Ig Nobel Tickets
1. Tickets are now on sale for this year's Ig Nobel Prize
Ceremony. Details are given below (in section 1997-08-06).
2. In addition to televising this year's ceremony live over the
net, we are also hoping to put some previous years' highlights on-
line -- details of that will be in the September mini-AIR, we
hope!
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1997-08-03 What's New in AIR
Here are some alluring abstracts from volume 3, number 5 (the
Sept/Oct 97 issue) of the Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). 3:5
is the special How-To Issue.
Features in the issue include:
"Cafeteria Review: The Johns Hopkins Greenhouse Cafeteria," by
Karen Hopkin.
"Physicists and Mathematicians -- Draw Your Own Conclusion," by
Pamela Sexton. The author presents her evidence for the conclusion
that physicists can draw pictures and mathematicians can't.
"NOBEL THOUGHTS: David Baltimore," by Marc Abrahams. In this
interview, the new president of Caltech discusses his feelings
about socks.
"Ask Symmetra," by scientist/supermodel Symmetra. In this edition
of her regular column, Symmetra uses the inverse square law to
calculate the force of attraction between a woman and her
boyfriend.
"Commentaries on Grayson's 'Burkina Faso'," by a variety of
commentators. Four eminent scholars give their interpretations of
D.K. Grayson's controversial study, "A Comprehensive Prehistory of
Central Burkina Faso." The article is accompanied by a rare sketch
that is said to resemble Grayson.
"HMO Black Newsletter." This time, our newsletter about managed
health care details the HMO Black Patient's Choice Plan, under
which patients who specify their illnesses in advance may eligible
for special discounts.
And much, much more...
Full text and illustrations of these and many other articles and
citations (including the full citation for "Nitrate-Reducing
Bacteria on Rat Tongues") appear in the Sept/Oct issue of AIR.
[mini-AIR, which you are reading at this moment, is a tiny
*supplement* to what's in the print publication. As always, we
urge you to subscribe to the real thing -- and to submit your own
research and images for publication.]
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1997-08-04 In Search of the Improbable
We have been told that Oscar Wilde constructed the following
epigram:
One should always be a little improbable.
If anyone can supply the citation for the Wilde work in which this
occurs, please sent it to us at
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1997-08-05 Correctness Survey Results: Reality -- Yes or No?
Our Scientific Correctness Survey in mini-AIR 1997-06 asked you to
settle, once and bureaucratically for all, the question, "Does
reality Exist?"
We had 139 comprehensible responses. Of these, 42% believe reality
exists, while 31% believe it does not. From those who believe
reality exists we learn that it is "over priced", "over rated" and
"a military secret." From those who believe reality does not exist
we learn that it "used to" and is "all done with mirrors" (this
last one from Ira Green, who may be willing to show how it is
done).
One person admits to being undecided, two voted both ways, four
people feel their reality exists but ours does not, and seven are
agonizing over the definitions of various words.
Frank Stephan says reality has existed since 1984. Stephan's
conclusion is based on the following quote, which he found in a
public rest room: "Reality is the Illusion which is caused by the
absence of alcohol."
Dennis McClain-Furmanski believes reality can be tested by locking
a physicist and a cat in a box with two slits in it. He has a
particular physicist in mind but needs help getting said physicist
into the box.
Catherine Armour asks if we consulted God. We are ashamed to admit
that we did not. However, we did hear from a descendent of Rene
Descartes, who said, "I think so." A contrasting view came from
Fredrik Mansfeld, who wrote:
Behold this absolutely true statement: "Cogito, ergo sum."
And reality doesn't think, I think.
Hence, it does not exist.
Jim Livingston feels that "Reality exists when it is really
necessary." Bob Wakulich knows the answer but refuses to tell us.
Nigel Wilson "found [reality] whilst sorting through some
rubbish". Rosemary Webb told us "Yes, but you can't get to it".
Carson Bays expressed a view held by many readers: "Yes, except in
New Jersey." Karem Lingel holds a variant of that view,
specifically that: "Reality exists in Ithaca, NY for about 30
minutes, 12 hours after a thunderstorm"
A few people apparently answered alternate questions. This
included one gentleman who stated "No. I was married to her ...
and I killed her", and two "college students" who had the phrase
"hardbodies" in their domain name.
Karl Evan Hallowell justifies a NO answer thusly: "If reality
exists, then we mathematicians would have proven it by now." Joe
Kelley reached the same conclusion, but by a different rout: "If
reality existed there would be a user manual."
More responses next month.
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1997-08-06 Ig Nobel Tickets
As mentioned above, this year's Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony will take
place at Harvard on Thurs. evening, October 9.
INDIVIDUAL TICKETS
Tickets now on sale at the Sanders Theatre Box Office
617-496-2222. It's a good idea to get tickets now, because the
event always sells out.
DELEGATION TICKETS
If your group would like to send an official theme delegation
please get in touch with our Delegations Delegation:
Margaret Ann (mag@mit.edu or 617-253-0217), Ed (eaj@mit.edu or
617-253-5030), or Dee (deedc@mit.edu or 617-253-5543). Delegations
will be selected by quasi-lottery -- all applications MUST be
received by Tuesday, September 23,1997 (no email, no extensions,
no refunds, no compassion).
LIVE INTERNET TELECAST
The Ceremony will be televised live over the net. Details will be
posted on our web site, and will appear in the September mini-AIR.
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1997-08-07 And Still More Wombatiana 2000
We continue to received a goodly supply of general wombat
information and misinformation, most of it from investigators in
Australia. Investigator Linda A Sunde told us that wombats are
lactose intolerant. Investigator Marc Ressler warned us not to
ride our motorcycles at night: "You ride at night, you die -- the
wombats come out and scurry across the road like a furry bowling
ball." For reasons unclear to us, Investigator Allen Gainsford
felt obligated to tell us that it is "nearly impossible to train a
wombat to perch on your shoulder." Investigator Allan Duncan asks
that we distinguish between the common and the hairy nosed
variants.
We were also told (by investigator Duncan Philps-Tate and others)
that the acronym "WOMBAT" is used by computer hackers (hackers in
the good sense, not the hackneyed tabloid press sense) to describe
a useless task, i.e. a "Waste Of Money, Brains, And Talent."
Finally, consider the mind and familial relationships of
Investigator Nesher Asner, whose devotion to the Wombat 2000
concept is such that he wrote us the following note:
"I have referred to each of our children during their gestation as
'wombat,' as the womb is where they were at. If we get pregnant
again in two and a half to three years, I promise to refer to the
fetus as "Wombat 2000."
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1997-08-08 Update: AIR Universal History Translation Project
"The History of the Universe in 200 Words or Less" (AIR 3:1,
Jan/Feb 1997) has now been translated into Afrikaans, Brazilian
Portuguese, Catalan, Czech, Danish, Dutch, Esperanto, Finnish,
French, Galego, German, Italian, Occitan, Portuguese, Spanish, and
Welsh, with Estonian, Hebrew, Polish, and Urdu versions on the
way. The AIR UHTP homepage can be found at
http://www.cv.nrao.edu/~eschulma/histcom.html
If you would like to translate the article into other languages,
have suggestions for translating any of the missing phrases from
the Irish or Turkish versions, or want additions made to the
"Revised History of the Universe in 200 Words or Less," please
contact Eric Schulman (eschulma@NRAO.EDU).
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1997-08-09 On Bites
Tim Chapman was inspired by last month's report about human biting
of various body parts (our report was itself inspired by the
professional ear-biting activities of boxer Mike Tyson). Chapman
posted snippets of the report to the Forteana mailing list, and
sparked the following response from Loren Coleman, the well-known
crypozoologist and folklorist:
"Science writer Patrick Huyghe authored a well-rounded overview of
this phenomenon entitled, simply and concisely, 'Human Bites'. It
first appeared in a popular science magazine, but I have it as
Chapter 9 in his rare but important book, *Glowing Birds: Stories
from the Edge of Science* (Boston/London: Faber & Faber, 1985).
Huyghe discusses mainstream incidents and the medical literature.
He gives the figure for the number of reported human bites in New
York City for 1983, as 1,581. Perhaps most disturbing was his
insights into how widespread biting is in child abuse homicides.
According to psychiatrist Judianne Denson-Gerber, J.D., president
of the public health group Odyssey Institute: 'Nearly one-fifth of
all the children who come to autopsy in New York City have been
cannibalized or bitten prior to death.' Huyghe does a wonderful
job of giving me still more reasons for staying away from New York
City..."
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1997-08-10 And Still More on Bites
On the same subject, Dr. Eberhard W. Lisse writes from Namibia:
"I as a country doctor am very very much afraid of human
bites. We see a lot of them and have to amputate quite some
fingers, because they just rot off in spite of modern antibiotic
and management..."
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1997-08-11 Further Adventures of C. Crawford, Chemical Engineer
Investigator Dan Berry spotted the following report in the July 5-
6, 1997 issue of the "International Herald Tribune." It concerns
the current activities of scientist/supermodel Cindy Crawford,
some of whose past exploits have been chronicled extensively by
AIR columnist Alice Shirrell Kaswell.
Model CINDY CRAWFORD, who studied chemical engineering
before opting for the catwalk instead, is now poring over
the secrets of high cuisine. Crawford on Friday wound up a
four-day cooking course at one of France's gourmet
establishments, the Moulin [sic] de Mougins near Cannes on
the Cote d'Azur. CHEF ROGER VERGE is known for his zucchini
and black truffles, stuffed artichokes and mushroom-crusted
lamb.
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1997-08-12 AIR Vents (letters from readers)
Investigator Ken Olum inquires into the Neandertal question:
"In mini-air 1997-05, Lorena Madrigal wrote
Certainly, a love story (mating must occur) between
a Neandertal and a Homo sapiens would clarify the issue.
"Perhaps this story could also explain the mystery of "How the
Neandertal lost his H" along the lines of "How the bear lost his
tail."
Investigator Keith Tomazi writes in reference to the ongoing
Singmaster controversy:
"Regarding Singmaster's frustration about the one-or-two-space-
after-the-period-controversy: When the literature in question is
worth reading, content is more important than blank space. Of
course, eyesight is one of the first things to go on
mathematicians, so perhaps a pair of specs would be a good
investment. (By the way, it's a good thing that I had JUST put
down my cup of coffee before getting to the "human bites on the
penis" article in last month's mini-AIR!)
Investigator Keith Michaels writes:
"The publicity your publication has given to recent scientific
research on the lava lamp gives me some hope that at last someone
may discover why the lava, which starts out as large, round, and
curvaceous blobs, inevitably, over the course of several months,
turns into small hard turds, which sit in the bottom of the lamp
and refuse to move no matter how big a light bulb you put under
them. Feel free to pass this research topic along to your staff."
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1997-08-13 AIRhead Project 2000
Since June, 1994, we have been compiling a list of everything that
has 2000 as part of its name. Here are some items plucked randomly
from the collection:
ITEM L-54908 (submitted by investigator Renate A. Wesselingh)
THERMAE 2000, a center where you can take thermal baths, sauna,
etc. in spring water (Germans would call it a Kurort) located in
Holland.
ITEM T-909 (submitted by investigator Beth Murff)
TOEFL 2000 POSTDOCTORAL FELLOWSHIP PROGRAM, sponsored by
Educational Testing Service of Princeton, New Jersey, to develop a
conceptual framework, a research agenda, a better understanding,
and an exploration.
ITEM WASH-AND-A-LATTE (submitted by investigator Steve Short)
WHIRLPOOL HEAVY DUTY WASHER DESIGN 2000, a clothes washing machine
that displays the current cycle and time left on a snazzy LED
display.
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1997-08-14 May We Recommend
Research reports that merit a trip to the library.
(These items are additional to the many, many which appear in the
pages of AIR itself.)
TACKLING COMPLEXITY
"The effect of dexfenfluramine on eating habits in a Dutch
ambulatory android overweight population with an overconsumption
of snacks." M.L. Drent, et al., "International Journal of Obesity
and Related Metabolic Disorders, vol. 19, no. 5, 1995, pp. 299-
304. (Thanks to Art Robbins for bringing this to our attention.)
BE PREPARED
"Pre-copulatory ejaculation solves time constraints during
copulations in marine iguanas," M. Wikelski and B. Eurle,
"Proceedings of the Royal Society of London Series B (Biological
Sciences)," vol. 263, no. 1369, 1996, pp. 439-44. (Thanks to Wendy
Cooper for bringing this to our attention.)
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1997-08-15 AIRhead Events
==> Updates of this schedule are available from info@improb.com
Want to host an event? E-mail to
SEVENTH FIRST ANNUAL IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY Thurs, Oct 9
Sanders Theatre, Harvard University, 7:30 pm.. The event will also
be telecast live over the Internet, and recorded for later
broadcast on NPR's "Science Friday"" program.
TICKETS: Sanders Theatre box office, 617-496-2222
ANNUAL IG LECTURES Fri, Oct 10
Harvard University. Lectures by Ig Nobel Prize winners and other
worthies.
AIR Tour of America October and ongoing
Schedule to be announced. If you would like to host an event,
please email
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1997-08-16 How to Subscribe to AIR (*)
Here's how to subscribe to the magnificent bi-monthly print
journal The Annals of Improbable Research -- (the real thing, not
just the little bits of overflow material you have been reading
here in mini-AIR)
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1997-08-17 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*)
What you are reading right now is mini-AIR. It is NOT a tiny
version of AIR -- rather, it is overflow from the real magazine.
To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to:
LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU
The body of your message should contain ONLY the words
SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE
(You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.)
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1997-08-18 Our Address (*)
The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR)
PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA
617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927
EDITORIAL: marca@wilson.harvard.edu
GENERAL INFO (supplied automatically): info@improb.com
SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improb.com
WORLD WIDE WEB: http://www.improb.com/
We read everything we receive, but are unable to answer all of it.
If you need a reply, please include your Internet address and/or a
SASE in all printed correspondence.
A monthly column of improbable computer-related items appears on
the back page of Byte magazine.
ELSEWHERE ON THE NET:
* USENET:
a weekly column appears in clari.tw.columns.imprb_research
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1997-08-19 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*)
Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever
appropriate. The only limitations are:
A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR.
B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes.
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(c) copyright 1997, The Annals of Improbable Research
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mini-AIRheads
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EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@wilson.harvard.edu)
MINI-PROOFREADER AND PICKER OF NITS (before we introduce the last
few at the last moment): Wendy Mattson
WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin
(ringo@leland.stanford.edu) http://www.improb.com/
COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu)
ASSOCIATIVE EDITOR: Mark Dionne
CO-CONSPIRATORS: Gary Dryfoos, Craig Haggart, Deb Kreuze, Nicki
Sorel
MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto
AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon
Glashow, William Lipscomb, Richard Roberts
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