[350.1] ~*Tue – 09/11/18*~

I’m stressed out right now and I’m totally confused and have no darn clue where I’m headed. I just want to crawl in bed, stay there and cry for a month or so. I’m back to work on Thu and with all honestly, I don’t want to go back to it.

I had my interview this morning and I’m so confused. I went in with the best of attitude, telling myself I was getting out with a new job, that everything would be okay. Now, no freaking idea what the hell I’m doing. The darn thing took three hours cause I had to meet with three people and then had to do some tests on the computer. I asked some questions and I still don’t really have any answers to them. I asked them how much it paid per hour and they couldn’t even tell me that. Like, wtf?! I know it pays 32k per year but they couldn’t tell me how much per hour. I asked them if it was per hour or salaried and the guy had to leave and go ask someone else and came back saying it was salaried. Ermm.. okay?! 32k should be okay as far as wage but it’s all the other stuff that I’m not sure I want to deal with. The job sounds fairly easy and I think I might be able to handle it. To be fair, the past one I had tried sounded easy as well but yet made me sick so I can’t say how I’ll be handling this but I’m ready to give it a try. That said, you normally have incentives in calling center which this one doesn’t give any. That’s already a bummer but fair enough, my current job doesn’t give me shit anyways so it’s okay. I’m allowed two sick days and two weeks of paid vacation. That’s already a bonus as my vacation time isn’t paid at my current job. I will have to make due with the 4% difference on each paycheck but I rather have paid vacation than unpaid and having to save up money as the year go. They are open from 7 am to 2 am so I can have what ever shift in there. Okay, doable. Schedule is changed every month. Still doable. Days off are split. WHAT?! Why can’t we have two days off in a row?! I do not understand this at all. Shitty but I guess I could maybe handle it?! I mean, I will more than likely end up having to work on one of my days off anyways. Only thing, I don’t know if this scheduling will give me the chance to keep my job at the store. I will more than likely end up having to work on Sun’s so there goes my full day at the store and I don’t know if they will allow me to change which day I work every month. Arg! I can’t just have the one job so I don’t know what I should do. I also kinda have to keep at least one client to make up the extra money I’d be losing with this job and now it sounds impossible to achieve. If I’m lucky and get a fair enough schedule it’s all good but who knows what I’ll be stuck with. This said, I don’t know if I should take the job or not. It starts on Sep 24th which the guy had told me last week it would start in Oct so I had time to think it through but they are starting the class earlier now.

Hub called mom-in-law to see what was up with the car situation to see if I still had a car or not to see if my decision was rushed or not and the guy still hasn’t looked at my car. And the best about all this, my dad-in-law kinda like my car so now he wants to buy it from me for 2k. Is he fucking for real?! Here I was, hoping he’d offer to pay for it to get it fix but now he wants to buy it off of me for this much. WHAT?! 2k leaves me with what?! That’s not even enough to buy myself a shit box so for him to offer that is a real slap to my face. He wants it for that and then he will get it fix for himself when he has two trucks in his driveway and his wife an SUV which we currently have. Sis lives there and she got a car, a van and an SUV. There is six vehicles in their driveway and they want to give me 2k for my car to add another one to their collection and I’ll be left with nothing. ARE THEY FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?! I just can’t believe it. How can they even think of doing this to us?! We gave them our Mustang 11 yrs ago for our Mazda cause we couldn’t afford the repairs on the Mustang and guess where that thing is… sitting in the grass rotting away. Now he wants to add my Mazda to it. No freaking way, thank you. I rather he keeps his 2k and I’ll sell it to the junk yard for $300 and have it scrap before I sell it to him. Fucking fuck!

I’m so mad and so sad and everything else. I just don’t know what to do. People keep telling me I need to think positive but every time I do, this shit happens. I really do believe thinking negative is the damn way to go.

So yep, I left this morning all happy, thinking I was making my way to a new job that would fix my current problems, at least temporary but looks like I’m left with even more worries. I actually made my way to the neighbor’s that I’ve been wanting to talk too and she wasn’t there. I’m so desperate that I’m seeking help anywhere. I am not one to ask other for help but right now I just don’t know what to do with my life. I’m glad I still have a job and a house and everything else but gosh, this is so very stressful. I have no clue if I should just keep my current job and work with the new car or just go for it with this calling center even if the schedule and all that kinda sucks. I’m telling myself that this is just an “in between” and that I can keep looking for something better while I’m starting at this new place. It’s just me being me, I hate leaving places for no good reason but I need to also think about me. Like I’ve said, I’ve sat here and thought about my current job so much and why I should find a new one that I came to resent the job I used to love so much. I just want out right now. I’ve came to feel that I’m not being productive anymore and I’m seeking that. As much as it was fun to sit in the park for two hours and just watch the kids play or sit at the club while my client annoys the other clients while I’m reading my book, it’s just not enough. I feel I’m not doing anything productive. I know I am cause I’m still helping those people that I work with but it’s not fulfilling me anymore. I don’t know if I just need a break from it or if I’m just done with it but yea. I’m confused. I think I’ve tried to see the bad sides of the job so hard to give me a good reason for leaving that now I just don’t want to be doing it anymore. It all started cause of the car situation but to be honest, even if I get my car back, I’m not sure I want to keep doing what I’m currently doing. It just sucks cause I worked so hard in the past year to finally get a second day off and now I will lose it all and even worse, I might have to work seven days a week for a while to cover things. If I would have a set schedule where I could work things out but with it changing every month, I really don’t know if I’ll be able to work around it. They surely are making it so you don’t have a second job.

I wish someone could just show me the way but no one seems to be able to help me out. I get both sides and I just can’t make up my mind. One minute it’s one thing and the next it’s another one. To see a clear path would be so nice right now. I know I more than likely could get back my hours at my current job if something happens but how long will that take and I will end up having to build up a whole new case load. I wish they could put my clients on hold for like two months so I have time to figure things out but I know they won’t be able to do that. I still haven’t talked to them to let them know what’s going on. I’ll have to do that at the very least, Fri. Arg! I just totally hate where my life is right now.

With all this craziness of the day, I didn’t do shit. I wanted to mow the lawn but it rained so I couldn’t do that. I wanted to at least clean the suggies cage but didn’t do that either. Heck, I still haven’t put away our clothes from camping and that is totally unlike me. I just want to find myself again but I’m not sure how to do it.

Wish there was a website where you could go on, explain your situation and get people’s feedback but then again, might be a bad idea cause people could just say shit to you and make you feel even worse.