NBC: Unveiled its fall programming yesterday, with several new dramas and two comedies. The network decided to delay an announcement about “on-the-bubble” shows like Chuck and My Name is Earl.

MTV: Movie award nominations, chosen by the fans, are out and Twilight leads the pack. Considering fans also choose the winners, we’re gonna go out on a limb and say Twilight will bring home the most bronzed popcorn.

Jessica Simpson: Admitted in a new Vanity Fair interview that she hasn’t spoken to ex-hubby Nick Lachey “in years.” And here we are, still waiting for them to get back together! (The other couples we haven’t given up hope for: Brad & Jen and Britney & Justin. Yes, we know we’re deluded. Leave us be.)

Coldplay: Facing–and ignoring–accusations that they plagiarized melody for their hit “Viva la vida.” Is there really any way to prove this? So much harder with music than the written word.

David Hasselhoff: Fighting back rumors that he suffered a severe case of alcohol poisoning over the weekend. The former Baywatch actor has admitted to substance abuse problems in the past, but his lawyers maintain all is well now.

Eminem: Relying on rap to get him “high” now that he’s fought his pill addiction. We’re rooting for him, especially for the sake of his daughter.

Disney: Would you be more likely to buy an avocado if it was a High School Musical avocado? That’s the logic Disney is working on but we can’t see parents going that far.

The Onion: Satirical publications are just as screwed as the rest of them. The Onion, which seems to be loved by everyone but us, will no longer have a Los Angeles edition. Don’t really understand how they’re cutting out such a huge market, but what do we know? We’re still unemployed!

SIZZLED OUT: Family Guy

STILL SIZZLING: This rapper admits to watching an episode of Gossip Girl or two–only to learn about his film co-star, Chace Crawford.