Saturday, February 3, 2018

1st 5 Pages February Workshop- Shae

As I walked into the convenience
store, the first thing I noticed was the old TV sitting behind the attendant’s
counter. I immediately recognized what was playing—the fight. Shit.

I pulled the hood of my
sweatshirt over my head, hoping to hide as I slipped into the candy aisle. I
scooped up a bag of Skittles for Margie and then turned to the refrigerator and
reached for the milk. The store was dead quiet except for the low hum of the
TV. I heard the announcers talking—Her first professional fight. Her chance
to win the Junior U-18 MMA title. And so soon after her brother, fellow MMA
fighter, Marco Armani, was killed in an unfortunate car accident. Look at
her eyes—have you ever seen such intensity?

I slammed the
refrigerator door too hard and cringed as the sound echoed through the store. I
didn’t want to give myself away.

Pulling out a wad of
bills from my back pocket, I slowly approached the counter. The clerk’s
attention was on the TV.

“Gimme one sec.”
His gaze never left the fight. “This girl’s gonna throw a punch like nothin’ I
ever seen before.” He chuckled, the fight reflecting in his gray eyes.

At that moment came the
punch. Just as it had in real time, my stomach lurched as my opponent crumpled
to the ground, nothing but dead weight.

The clerk let out a low
whistle, shaking his head in awe. “She just won her first title, but there’s no
smile, no elation—nothin’. If you ask me, I think that’s the sign of a
champion. She knew she was going to win from the moment she stepped into that
ring.”

My chest froze. The
panic surging through me was an unexpected reaction to this man’s confidence in
my abilities—even if he hadn’t realized it was me who had savagely thrown a
fist into that girl’s right cheek, knocking out one of her teeth and giving her
a concussion that was still causing her problems.

I didn’t feel like
a champion. And I hadn’t known I was going to win—especially that easily. From
training and watching various fighting matches, I knew that knockouts came down
to a lucky punch, but it still seemed surreal my first punch
had been the K-O.

As the man began ringing
up the milk and the Skittles, I glanced back up at the TV and right into my own
blank eyes.

“What if she
didn’t know?” My voice came out before I could stop it. “What if she didn’t
know she was going to win? What if she doubted herself even after she threw
that punch?”

“That girl?” He
scoffed. “She’s a champion. You don’t just throw that kind of punch from
nowhere.” He handed me my change.

I stared at him for a
second. My head rang, Yes, you do just throw those punches out of
nowhere.

“Thanks,” I
mumbled, taking my items and turning to leave.

It wasn’t until I
reached the door that I heard the man exclaim with wonder, “Well I’ll be
damned…” He had likely seen the embroidered letters adorning the back of my
sweatshirt advertising Donovan’s Fight Club, the premier mixed martial
arts—MMA—facility in Philly where I trained. I let the door close behind me and
walked away as quickly as I could.

#

Loud music pumped
through my earbuds as I walked into the gym, greeted by the familiar smell of
mustiness and sweat. I’d only been absent for a few days, but god did it feel
good to be back.

Donovan’s Fight Club was
my escape from reality. My purpose for being at the gym was to train, but that
wasn’t why I was there. I was there because when I was
punching the bag, music from my brother’s iPod playing in my ear, I could
forget everything happening outside the brick walls. Fighting and training had
been my brother’s hobby, his passion. But for me, it was more than that—it was
home.

I wasn’t sure what I
listened to, other than that it was a playlist curated by my brother, which he
creatively titled “Angry.” I listened as the singer screamed out his words, the
guitarist fiercely strumming his riffs, the bass thudding.

This playlist was
perfect because I was angry. I had been angry since inheriting
Marc’s iPod two months ago when he died. Inherit wasn’t exactly the right
word—there hadn’t been a reading of the will. There hadn’t even been a will.
Instead, it had been handed to me at the hospital by a police officer, taken
from the wreck of Marc’s car. Unlike Marc, the iPod wasn’t destroyed. It wasn’t
even scratched.

Donovan’s was a
three-story, expansive brick building converted into a boxing gym in the 1950s.
I headed straight for my usual punching bag, the one tucked away in a room off
the main gym on the first floor, almost completely hidden. I threw my bag
on the ground and pulled out the grappling gloves Marc had given me nearly a
year ago, when we had first started getting into MMA after years of karate and
martial arts training. I started my warm-up, switching between punches and
kicks.

I grunted as I landed a
solid kick and watched as the bag swayed. Maybe this anger was just one of
those stages of grief like the school counselor had tried to talk to me about
following Marc’s death. I had only half-listened to her as she spoke, expressing
her concern over my plummeting grades. Marc’s death wasn’t the reason for my
slipping grades, but of course the school counselor used his death as an
excuse—it took the blame off of my small private school and its lack of
enforcement against bullying.

We don’t need to justify
anger, Anna-Maria, Mom always said. We
don’t have to justify anything we feel.

As I went through my
standard routine, a few guys poked their heads in from around the corner,
looked at me, and then turned to each other excitedly. I knew why they were
there.

I had just won the mixed
martial arts junior U-18 title, beating out four-time champion Taylor Heery.
Except they didn’t know the whole thing was a fluke. I wasn’t supposed to win.

The track on the iPod
switched from the screaming, bass-heavy, drum-fueled song to something
surprisingly low-key, almost as though the playlist had switched from “angry”
to “melancholy.” I had only been at it for about ten minutes, but sweat already
dripped down my face. Maybe I’d gone at it a little too hard for a “warm-up.”

Grabbing my bag, I
decided to head to my locker, where I kept my hand wraps. There was no “locker
room,” exactly, but there was a room of lockers on the partially underground bottom
level.

I walked down the narrow
stairway and immediately turned right, which took me to the lockers. To the
left of the stairway, across from the lockers, resided a row of offices. The
closest office to the locker room housed Chris Matsumoto, the owner of the gym,
and my trainer. I saw light coming from behind his door.

8 comments:

Hi Britney! Thanks for sharing FEARLESS! My first reaction is how much I loved reading about a girl MC who is a MMA champ, because how awesome is that?!! I also love how you throw in a nice bit of tension with: "I wasn't supposed to win." This is a great set up for the reader to ask: Why? What happened? Was the fight fixed? Is there some force bearing down on (or helping) your MC that we don't know about? And that is all good stuff. My only critique would be to read through your pages and reduce the number of "logistical" things your character does: walking, turning, opening--these are all small bits of action and can slow down the pacing. I think if you tightened the slower action (or deleted some), it would serve to increase the pacing in these opening pages and allow for some bigger reveals. Small changes like: "I pulled the hood of my sweatshirt over my head, hoping to hide as I slipped into the candy aisle. I scooped up a bag of Skittles for Margie and then turned to the refrigerator and reached for the milk" can be edited to "I pulled the hood of my sweatshirt over my head, and slipped into the candy aisle, scooping up a bag of Skittles for Margie. I only wanted milk." "Hoping to hide" is implied when you give us the act of her throwing up her hood so I deleted. The rest is just tightening. Also, I'd love to know what's at stake for her here? Does winning the fight have consequences? What are they? Can she face them? What will we see your character overcome? If these issues were included in the first five pages, I think they'd be really strong! :D I hope this helps!! ~Shannon

I like the voice a lot! I really feel like I’m in the head of a teenager. I think you nailed it. I will say, the first sentence is not catchy enough in my opinion. Anyone can walk into the convenience store and notice the TV is on. Maybe strengthen it by starting with how she feels, midway to grabbing something, as the clerk flips the channel and she realizes it’s the fight? Why does she need milk? That just seemed strange to me? You can take out ‘too hard’ after she slams the refrigerator door, as that’s what slamming implies. Loud music pumped through my earbuds as I walked into the gym: You explain about the music later, so maybe just have her slipping her earbuds on as she walks in?There were a few thing that were more telling than showing that I’m not sure we need to know. For example: Donovan’s was a three-story, expansive brick building converted into a boxing gym in the 1950s. And:Inherit wasn’t exactly the right word—there hadn’t been a reading of the will. There hadn’t even been a will. (Do we need to know? Most young people don’t have wills- is he an older adult?)The second to last paragraph throws me off a bit. I think it’s the second sentence. There was no “locker room,” exactly, but there was a room of lockers on the partially underground bottom level. I think you can get rid of it like the ones I listed above. I would just have her walk down the narrow stairway into the basement after she decides to get her hand wraps.Oh! Who’s Margie???Hopefully this helps a bit! I really want to know why she shouldn’t have won! You built some suspense there for sure!Ok... I almost hit reply, but can’t help thinking...After I finished reading it, I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe you could start the story with her right after she throws the punch at the actual fight? It could be stronger. I like the exchange between her and the clerk... but maybe you can put that in later? I might be way off the wall, as I don’t know what else happens, but just a thought!

I enjoyed reading your first 5 pages. I think you did a great job conveying the suppressed emotions and the anger that Anna-Maria feels from losing her brother. I also like how you weave some of the back story into the opening scene, and the dialogue with the cashier.

As I was reading, this one sentence felt out of place to me: “Donovan’s was a three-story, expansive brick building converted into a boxing gym in the 1950s..” It didn’t seem needed in that paragraph.

By the end of the piece, I wanted to read more. Nice imagery with "I saw light coming from behind his door.”

I’m not the hugest fan of contemporary, but I feel like you totally have an interesting premise that gets my attention. The idea of having a teen MMA fighter is an awesome one, especially when she comes across as both tough and insecure.

However, the opening sentence felt generic and didn’t catch my eye, and the following paragraph was a bit of an info dump. Maybe it could use a bit of a shuffling? Perhaps hearing the announcer as she walks through the store? Or her thinking something like:

"The night I delivered the TKO played over and over in my mind. I could see the former champ’s head snap from my right hook, her tooth flying from her mouth. Then I could hear the fanfare I was so very undeserving of.

And as soon as I stepped into the convenience store and heard the announcers on the TV behind the counter, I knew I’d see it again. It was, after all, everywhere."

Just a suggestion!

I know that Anna-Maria beat out the four-time champion as a fluke and that leaves me with questions (in a good way). She seems convinced she wasn’t supposed to win, so it makes me wonder if there’s some kind of a betting ring that’s forced its way into the sport, making Taylor take a dive, or is she just truly talented and feeling distraught from the loss she’s suffered? I just worry that if she has these familial loses and doubts, but still wins, does this then truly impact the character?

Marc passing also raises questions. His will was found in the car … not many people have their wills handy. Unless maybe the crash was intentional? Might explain the “Angry” playlist. Either way, I find that intriguing, and would like to see more of Anna-Maria’s struggles in the midst of her newfound fame.

The opening line definitely gave some insight into what's happening and I absolutely love that. I definitely like hearing the perspective of the clerk - it really builds up the scene. The whole first part was well-written and there's not much to critique because its brilliant.

The whole paragraph with "Donovan's Fight Club" seems like you're telling us her emotions and her background outright. Try spreading it out, showing it to us by the ease at how she feels at home there and compare that to her brother, perhaps.

The next paragraph with the two lines about the playlist can be edited to show us more about how she only listens to Marc's music ever since his death and the paragraph can be paired with the next one.

The line "Donovan's was a three-story..." seems misplaced and would be better off in the start, when she was initially describing the Fight Club. This whole paragraph of her punching the bag seems better if it was merged or somehow mixed with the other paragraph "Donovan's Fight Club was my escape..."

I'm also slightly confused on the line "...lack of enforcement against bullying." I didn't expect a fighter to be bullied so perhaps you can add another line broadening the reasoning behind her fall in grades. Maybe mention that her grades were bad long before Marc's death.

I absolutely love the line "I wasn't supposed to win" because it shows her emotional distress about the whole situation. It's best if you don't use quotation marks for these words - angry, melancholy, warm-up and locker room. The sentences add emphasis the way they are but if you still want to add more, perhaps try a little more descriptive language.

The second last paragraph also comes off odd. Try merging it with the next one and remove off some unnecessary details because it slows down the pace of the story that was built up so far. In addition, the use of the em-dash throughout the chapter seems a lot.

Overall, I loved reading about a young MMA fighter. Its something new and I'm hooked to read more. Your storytelling is quite vivid and expressive and you've definitely brought out the voice of the MC.

Good concept here! It's something different and that drew me in immediately. You have the hooks in place that would keep me reading. Nice job!

Good voice. Good characterization. It feels very YA to me.

Watch for showing & telling at the same time. By that, I mean a place where you don't trust the reader to interpret an action etc, so you tell them what it means. For example, she pulls her hood up to hide. Just have her pull her hood up. Let us interpret the reason. Also watch for unnecessary modifiers and adjectives. Eg. "unfortunate car accident"...are they ever NOT unfortunate? ;)

If she's hiding, why is she wearing the jacket from the gym where she works out?

Watch for long & awkward sentences. Eg "The panic surging through me was an unexpected reaction to this man’s confidence in my abilities—even if he hadn’t realized it was me who had savagely thrown a fist into that girl’s right cheek, knocking out one of her teeth and giving her a concussion that was still causing her problems." Also, while it's possible to give someone a concussion from a blow to the face, it's tough, and your reader may question this.

Consider moving her reactions to her brother's death back more. The iPod stuff is good, but you're giving me too much too soon. Let me wonder more. Also, the building description is oddly sandwiched in here. I do like her mother's words, though. Consider that following the iPod stuff, and then describe the building.

I should start by saying that I LOATHE fighting. Boxing and MMA are my least favorite things in the world, and STILL, despite all of that, I was instantly invested in your pages here. I think it’s because of the strength of your character’s voice and the intensity of her emotional situation. You’ve really done a great job of capturing the reader!

I disagree with others about your opening. I loved that we start with something as mundane as a trip to the corner store, but you draw us in by making us desperate to know why she’s hiding.

So here’s what I think needs some work:

1. You need to find a more artful way to lace info into the narrative. For example:

My chest froze. The panic surging through me was an unexpected reaction to this man’s confidence in my abilities—even if he hadn’t realized it was me who had savagely thrown a fist into that girl’s right cheek, knocking out one of her teeth and giving her a concussion that was still causing her problems.

When you say, “even if he hadn’t realized it was me,” it feels like you’re restating the obvious. We know it’s her on the screen. I think maybe this is an opportunity to show us how she felt in that moment. Relive the scene of the fight as she watches it, giving us some sensory detail on the punch, maybe. Or on the moments just after, when everyone was smiling and celebrating, but she couldn’t.

I’m also confused about her emotions here. Why is she panicking? Why is her chest freezing? “His confidence in her” doesn’t seem like a believable reason for that. How does she feel about hurting the girl that badly? You don’t need to overtly tell us. But show us through her reactions in a way that lets us know why she’s hiding, why she’s panicking, why she doesn’t feel good about winning. I don’t need a full reveal, but I need her emotional interiority here, and I need the emotions you show to make sense.

2. I’d suggest you read aloud for flow. Your word choices sometimes feel a little formal, and your sentence structure gets a little convoluted. First person narrative should be conversational and natural (and in active, not passive, voice), and reading aloud can help you find that cadence.

For example: Donovan’s Fight Club was my escape from reality. My purpose for being at the gym was to train, but that wasn’t why I was there. I was there because when I was punching the bag, music from my brother’s iPod playing in my ear, I could forget everything happening outside the brick walls. Fighting and training had been my brother’s hobby, his passion. But for me, it was more than that—it was home.

More natural: Donovan’s Fight Club was my escape from reality. I went to the gym to train, but that wasn’t why I was there. When I punched the bag, the constant beat of music playing in my ear, I could forget everything happening outside the brick walls. Fighting and training had been my brother’s hobby, his passion. But for me, it was more than that—it was home.

And here—a playlist curated by my brother, which he creatively titled “Angry”—you use “curated” and “titled” when in conversation, we’re more likely to say: a playlist my brother made, which he creatively called (or named) “Angry.”

3. As a small aside, when you list actions/verb phrases, they need to be parallel in tense and form. For example: I listened as the singer screamed out his words, the guitarist fiercely strumming his riffs, the bass thudding.

Should be: I listened as the singer screamed out his words, the guitarist attacked his riffs, and the bass thudded with the driving beat.

Note that I took out the adverb there and made the structure more parallel. (If you want to look up the rules, Google “grammatical parallelism.”)

4. Finally, make sure your descriptions feed the narrative. Your pages suffer from what I call “descriptive non sequitur.” The best example of this is a sentence others pointed out as well:

Donovan’s was a three-story, expansive brick building converted into a boxing gym in the 1950s. I headed straight for my usual punching bag…

Those sentences have nothing to do with one another. The building description is a cool detail, but I’d expect it to come as your MC is approaching or entering the building, and to be followed with some detail that backs up the information or ties it into what happens next…like how she feels about the look of it, or somehow comparing its solid construction to something in her boxing world, or maybe that the age is why things are falling apart? That the gym is way more modern inside? This kind of detail can really help the reader to set the stage while reading, but it needs to be attached to the narrative with purpose, not just thrown in.

I think you’ve got a solid start here, and if you clean up some of the sentence structure and flow you’ll have something that makes readers even more desperate to find out what comes next!

ABOUT THE WORKSHOP

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The February 1st 5 Pages workshop will open for submissions on Saturday, February 2nd at noon, EST. It's a great opportunity for selected participants to be mentored by three published authors through three rounds of revisions and to receive additional feedback from our literary agent mentor on their first five pages and their pitch. The agent mentor will select the best of the five manuscripts in the workshop and offer additional feedback to the author, and perhaps to additional participants.