Monday, July 07, 2008

That Streak Of @$$hole In Me...

I Just Can't Quite Get Rid Of It!

There's a pretty sizeable vein of @$$hole running through the varied strata that composes the personality of El Capitan. Most times you'll never see it. I'm pretty good at keeping that side of me tucked away for the short periods that I'm out in public.

Usually it takes a few years before you'll get a good display of how much a schmuck I'm capable of being. If we're friends, it will very rarely be directed towards you. Usually, you need to have done something to piss me off to get the full production. However, no one is immune when Mr. @$$hole comes calling...

There was the summer I was plagued by two pompous dingleberries, each one annoying in his own unique way. A whispered campaign of "overheard" insult and misinformation to each party in turn led to the two brawling in a bar, much to my amusement. See? Major dick move on my part.

Back in my teens, I had a window washer jet on one of my cars turned outward for the express purpose of hosing down bicyclists that wouldn't get out of traffic. What kind of @$$hole does that? (Takes a bow...)

Even now, after a heavy rainstorm that leaves deep puddles in the road next to the Memorial Park jogging path, I have this overwhelming urge to plow through the puddles in my big-tired 4x4 at 35 mph, sending huge roostertails of water cascading over whoever might be within range. Mostly, I can resist this urge. Mostly...

And today, the streak is rising again. I bought a bottle of orange/pineapple juice this morning for breakfast, and just by chance noticed that it is months out of date before I could open it.

We have a sneak-thief that has been pillaging other people's lunches and other food & snacks left in the breakroom fridge. I'm feeling the need to use some white-board erasing fluid to dissolve the inked-on "Sell By" date on the bottle, and leave it in the fridge to get pilfered. With any luck, the thief will spend the afternoon puking his toenails up.