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How Matt Damon Made Me Realize My Children Are Geniuses

Ask any parent about his or her children, and chances are, they’ll tell you that their child is a genius. They may say it in hushed tones, so as not to let the secret out too widely, or not to offend other parents whose children might be of inferior intellectual prowess, or maybe even not to jinx their children, or not to incur the dreaded “evil eye.” But since we all believe our children are Baby Geniuses, how can anyone really tell which child truly is a genius, and which one is not?

Obviously, there are different kinds of tests that can be done, and some children who do exceedingly well on their evaluations are put into “gifted and talented programs,” or are even allowed to skip grades in school. These children are put ahead so that their higher intellectual level can be nurtured and challenged, and so that they can be allowed to advance at a level better suited to their superior intelligence.

Poppycock!

I am here today to tell you that I do not need any of those fancy tests or evaluations to tell you that my children are super geniuses. Yes, I know it’s arrogant to say, but here I am saying it. How can I be so brash as to make this bold claim?? Because Matt Damon told me so!

That’s right, thanks to superstar Hollywood actor, Matt Damon, I now know that my children are of vastly superior intellect to any other children, including those of Matt Damon himself, and especially those of his buddy, Ben Affleck.

You’re obviously wondering what Matt Damon could possibly know about my children, much less how he could evaluate their intelligence level, given that none of us have ever even met Matt Damon in person. I have three words for you:

Good. Will. Hunting.

That’s right, Good Will Hunting, the 1997 movie written by and starring Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, is the key. In this critically acclaimed movie, which made superstars out of both Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, the titular main character, played by Damon, is a lowly janitor who is really a math prodigy, needing his genius to be discovered and nurtured by knowing professors played by the late great Robin Williams and by Stellan Skarsgard.

One of the most instantly recognizable scenes in the movie is when the tortured genius played by Matt Damon is so taken by his insatiable need to work out the impossible math problem he sees on the professor’s chalk board, that he starts writing it out and solving it on any and every surface possible, including this bathroom mirror:

Later in the movie, the professors realize that the unusually handsome yet lowly janitor, Matt Damon, is such a super genius that only he can solve the professor’s impossible math problem, whereas none of the other better educated and more socially accepted students can.

A few years later, in 2001, a similar phenomenon appeared in another critically acclaimed movie, A Beautiful Mind. In that film, another tortured genius, played this time by Russell Crowe, is also so overtaken by his need to work out the highly advanced mathematics of his imagined conspiracy theories, that like Matt Damon before him, he would start writing out the equations on glass and other such unconventional surfaces, as seen below:

This motif would be reused in many films after these first two (including the ridiculous one with a now geriatric Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson somehow being accepted as improbable interns at Google), where it has become an accepted visual motif in the cinema that writing out math equations on glass or mirrors signifies a tortured super genius.

This is where the connection between super genius Matt Damon and my super genius children can easily be established. My children, like their cinematic forebears delineated above, are such super geniuses that their expressions of their advanced intellect cannot be limited to mere paper, but must also occur on unconventional surfaces, like walls, glass, and even TV screens, as evidenced below:

As you can plainly see in these three images, my super genius children have such amazing things going on in their heads, that they must be expressed on walls and TVs.

You might now make the argument that these are just the random scribblings of children, and not any advanced mathematical equation!

To that I say poppycock once again!!

What anyone who makes such a childish and feeble argument is blatantly ignoring is the difference between left brain and right brain inclination, with left brain being related to math and science, and right brain being related to artistic expression:

So we can clearly and indisputably deduce that my children are right brain geniuses, whose artistic genius rivals (or even exceeds?!?) those of Pablo Picasso and Jackson Pollock!

That being established, I can also now proudly say that I have several items by budding genius artists for sale, including a TV with artistic crayon all over it.