What I needed from you that you failed to see during “THIS.”

I’m so independent because I don’t know how to depend on someone. I have seen some of the best good-byes from all of the people I needed to depend on during my life. I will be turning 30 this year and sadly, people’s backs are what I’m used to seeing. I have reached a point in my life where “depending” on someone for anything is not only difficult, but scary to me. However, I long for the opportunity to have someone to depend on. It’s conflicting I know… It scares me at the thought of loving someone, needing their emotional support and them not be there for me. I want to be able to trust someone with my heart enough, to feel like I could break apart and they be there for me. That they would hold me together and tell me everything was going to be okay.

Even though I’m used to being disappointed, I have a good heart and still believe people have good intentions. Here I am single with men who want “MORE” than friends with me. What am I doing about it? I’m chasing the one guy who doesn’t know what he wants. The one questioning if what I come with is to much of a change for him to accept. I felt completely stupid the moment I realized that, what I was hoping for wasn’t going to happen. When I felt his entire body tense at the thought of a topic that is dearest to me, I realized “this” would never work.

Have you ever had to ask yourself, “Why am I hurting myself, for them?” What started out as, “friends” to “this” because there was no title for which I referenced it to. I found myself completely confused in regards to what he wanted out of “this.” I began to question, what “this” was. Whether or not it was going to go anywhere? We had this undeniable connection, but I began to question if it was just physically. I knew better to think that it was just physical. I knew he cared for me. The reality of it was, that I come with more than what he is mentally prepared for. I am some kind of package deal… I have two kids, very independent, intelligent and a strong ambition. That me, myself, and I was a lot in itself to be and deal with. Then to add my two kids to the picture… Yeah, it is a lot. When I confronted him on how I felt, (well more like blew up) he had no answers. When I have to say good-bye to him, I know he will question why and not understand me. He will probably think I’m making something more complicated than it needs to be and just dooming it to failure.

What he failed to see was…

I am barely holding on. I’m just strong enough to keep going with my head held high, a forced smile on my face and an attitude that screams at the world that I will not fail. All while constantly being challenged by everything my life keeps throwing at me. That I don’t have the strength to have my heart-broken again; especially right now, on top of everything else.

That I was holding my breath and I felt as if the bottom was going to fall out. He had told me that ideally everything I came with wasn’t something he pictured before. That kids were and would be a huge change for him.

I want structure. While he never took the initiative to meet my kids, I didn’t push it either. At a certain point I think we all know if children will be part of our future or not. You either will or will not date someone with kids and you either do or don’t want children of your own.

I want to forget my past heartache and not question new emotions. Yes, I have walls up around my heart, but I want to be vulnerable. I don’t want to feel like I have to keep him at a distance to keep myself from being hurt.

That I know uncertainty is in any relationship, but he never called me anything other than a friend.

That I care and have love for him. I wanted and have his best intentions at heart. That I would not have stayed as long as I have, if I couldn’t see a possible future together. That I considered his likes, dislikes and needs.

That he turned out to be like the rest and hurt me. That I couldn’t have a relationship or try to build one when him when he wasn’t sure what he wanted out of “this.” That stringing me along for the ride while, he tried to figure it out wasn’t a fun ride for me or my feelings.

That I was open and raw with him. I allowed him to see a side of me that very few have the opportunity to ever see. I showed him who I was, the piece I keep protected from everyone else.

That all I really wanted was to find someone I could be in love with, find a bestfriend in and grow old with.

That I love and respect myself enough to put myself first. To know that I am not be an option or a maybe.