The law of the even deal in relationships

An interview with Buddhist psychotherapist and author of Soulmate Relationships Tara Springett

Karen: Tell us about yourself and your background.

Tara Springett: I'm a transpersonal psychotherapist and I combine psychotherapy with spirituality. If we only use a psychological method, we might help people understand, but we don't really solve their problems.

In order to bring them into a space of real joy or love we need to use a spiritual or transpersonal method. The method I use is called Higher Consciousness Healing. I've been in practice working with clients for the past 25 years and I've been a Buddhist teacher for 15 years.

Karen: How did you come to write about the law of the even deal and your book, Soulmate Relationships?

Tara Springett: When I was younger, I really struggled with relationships. I had one bad relationship after the other and I just could not understand why this was happening.

Then when I turned 30, and I said “I'll either have a good relationship, or I'll have none”. As a result, I stayed single for four years, which felt like an eternity! But during that time, I researched the topic of relationships.

I talked with other women, and I read every book I could find. I also made my own observations and kept diaries and at age 35... I met my husband Nigel. I can say, with hand on my heart, that he's a real, true soulmate.

Then, a few years in to my relationship with Nigel, I realized that I could pretty much predict how everyone else's relationships and how they would develop. Whether they'd be happy.

I could see whether people would be happy and how long their relationship would last. I was shocked at how precise I was. It was this that let me to my motivation to share my insights including the law of the even deal in a book.

Karen: What is your definition of soulmate?

Tara Springett: A soulmate relationship really the fulfillment of your dreams. Some people feel that there should be a challenging aspect or “work” involved. But I think that we want to be happy and should be.

The most important factor for a soulmate relationship is the decision to grow together. Not to think “I am who I am” or “take me or leave me”; this isn't constructive.

It's important to be willing to say “there's so much more I can learn about being more loving” and I want to learn from mistakes. If that readiness is there, then you are on a journey together, and it never gets boring.

Karen: How did you meet Nigel?

Tara Springett: Oh, it's a romantic story! I was living in Germany at the time and I went on a retreat in England. As I was on the bus going along these beautiful country roads in England for the first time, I was so amazed that I began to cry, thinking “this is my home, I belong here”.

Then I went into the retreat and there was this really nice man and I noticed his eyes, I just loved his eyes. At that time, he was in a relationship, so nothing happened.

Two years later, I went again on this retreat. He was there again, but this time we were both single. Within three days, we knew that we wanted to be together.

Then we broke all the rules, and talked all the way through this silent retreat. We went on long walks when we should have been meditating, and it went from there. Shortly after, I moved to England and made it my home two years earlier.

Karen: In your book Soulmate Relationships, you mention the Law of the Even Deal. Tell us a bit about that.

Tara Springett: Basically, it means that you have to put into a relationship as much as you get out. Or the other way round... you need to make sure that you get as much out as you put in.

Many people don't like to think of an even deal when it comes to romantic relationships, because it feels calculating. But what I'm saying is... if you have an Even Deal in a relationship, and you also have that chemistry: you will be happy.

If you do not follow the Law of the Even Deal, if you do not get out what you put in, you will be frustrated. This is what 90% of all women do. I don't exactly know why women behave that way but I think it is about how our brains are wired.

When a man receives, he usually thinks: I deserve this. And then he doesn't necessarily feel motivated to give back. When women receive something, we tend to feel the rising debt, and are motivated to give back. I see this in 99% of my clients, male and female.

So let's say you (as a woman) want commitment. Of course, he wants sex. If you're serious, then don't have sex, until you get the commitment. My clients say: well, I can't do that, these are modern times.

But I say, well, when I was young, it was in the 80's – and pre-AIDS – and that it was more sexually liberated then than it is today. You absolutely can and should withhold sex if you want a long-term committed relationship.

Karen: Yes, when I read about the law of the even deal in Soulmate Relationships, it was lightbulb moment for me.

Tara Springett: It's not that men are bad. Once they become conscious of this dynamic they will want to live the law of the even deal as well. Everyone wants an even deal. No one wants to take advantage of someone else.

The key is setting up the Even Deal... from the very beginning. If the relationship starts on the wrong footing, it's already out of balance and continues like that. But if you start with an Even Deal, this is how it will continue.

Karen: In Chapter 3... you talk about what creates a romantic connection. Talk about that.

Tara Springett: For romance and eroticism, it's best if the man is “really” the man and the woman is “really” the woman. This may sound like a stereotype, but it just works best for most people when it comes to the bedroom.

So he shares strength, courage and confidence... and she is receptive surrendering, soft and pliable. It's what most people desire deep down.

Now, if you have this connection in the bedroom, and then meet the Law of the Even Deal outside the bedroom you will be very satisfied in your relationship. It is important to keep an eye on equal give and take and not get swept away.

Karen: You have an entire chapter on the energetic merging process. What happens during sex?

Tara Springett: Basically, there is no such thing as casual sex. Every time we have sex, there is an immense exchange of energy. We literally merge our energy fields and take on part of the energy makeup of the other person. In time, this becomes stronger, so you become more like your partner.

Therefore, when you look at the other person as a potential partner, you should ask yourself, do I want to become more like that person? Only if the answer is a joyful yes are you on the right track.

What I've noticed, is that the person who is less happy dominates the relationship. Unfortunately, the person who is happier usually gets dragged down to the level of the more negative person in the relationship.

Some people think that the spiritually ‘higher’ person will lift their partner up to their level. But that will only happen if the other person wants to be uplifted and wants to learn. But sadly, many people don't want to learn.

When sex is in the picture, we go onto the level of the more negative partner. This is my observation. So keep this in mind: Do I want to be like this person?

Karen: In your book, you have questions to assess whether or not someone has potential as a long-term partner.

Tara Springett: Some people say they can tell within 15 minutes, whether a relationship has a positive future. I don't go quite that fast; I'd say that you can tell after meeting twice. At this time, the basic energy pattern has already come out in its seed form and you can already observe if you have an even deal or not.

Two relationship test questions for her are:

What did he do for me?

Did I like it?

One relationship question for him is:

Did she appreciate what I did for her?

These help create balance, according to the law of the even deal. Another test question is: When I am with my partner, how does he (or she) make me feel about myself? Do I feel more beautiful or less beautiful? More energetic or less?

There are six test questions and when you put them all that together, you can pretty much predict the outcome of your budding relationship.

Unfortunately, many people get so carried away by sexual attraction that they do not keep their head on when looking for a partner. But you need to look for your soulmate with your whole being. Not just with your heart and abdomen, but also with your head.

If you really want a long-term relationship, postpone sex until you feel you want to commit to each other and there is some sort of expression like ‘I love you’. Then the sex becomes a celebration of that commitment. If you have sex without commitment, you run the risk of not getting what you want.

Karen: What's the one thing you'd suggest to people listening who want love, but are losing hope?

Tara Springett: Giving up is not the answer. If you know what you want, and you whole-heartedly go for that goal, you will get there.

Karen: How do you work with people one on one?

Tara Springett: I work with clients all over the world via Skype, or I phone people (which is included in the price). Payment can be done by PayPal.

I offer a free 20 minute chat before a session, to make sure there's a fit. Then we take it from there.

Karen: How can people read more about the law of the even deal and your work?

Tara Springett: Sign up for my newsletter or read articles from my site www.taraspringett.com. You can also purchase Soulmate Relationships from my site as well.