Pills and Cockmeat Sandwiches

Friday, December 5, 2008

coffee pills and alcoholcaffeine a daze and a nice sleepwake up withdrawfor the last timebut the alcohol looks like water and oxycontinknows something i don't2 days later i'm tiredof wetting my bed.

i kissed a girland my faceFell to the groundi find beauty in a doorwayin a soda canthrown out in the street for everyone to make fun ofi found a little bit ofheroin at the bottom but that wasn't what caughtme by the heartit was the girlwho took me in thatDayand then dumped me the nextand i kept walking to findthe next can

the day i went away frommy body was the day Isaw you in a restaurantin another statein a different place and I wasn'there to find anyone but we came fromdifferent places on the place mat and youtook my eyes

i need to find you again.

you took my eyes for 30 minutesI could see you across the roomand you werethe only one that tookmy mind off all my pain for just a secondi never looked longer than that and that's when i knewyou would never be right forjessica k. !!!!!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

hi

i went to schoolwith a canewent up the elevatori made a hat yesterdayit makes me feel nicesomeone took it away from meand i suddenly losteverything i had gainedeverything i had wantedin lifewent away.my only ambitionmy only hope

gone.

today i went to school and i didn't like it very much. i have to present a website tomorrow in class, and i don't want to. i might skip. i make people smile in math

I had a test in chemistry i failed definitely and I got out early. I ended up talking to Erin for half an hour. I left my class at 250, I could've gone home, but I was enjoying myself so I stayed. I left. me and my cane. I'm home. I layed in bed for 20 minutes and I'm getting thai tonight. Alone.I want to kiss someone.

I still can't really believe I woke up in the middle of getting my nerves burned. I'm waiting for my back to start hurting for real

for real

i just had some alcohol though so i guess i fucking delayed my feelings. I suck.I don't think.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I went to the hospital today. I went in, had the same nurse from previous times give me my IV. She's quite good :). The nurses love me for some reason. I think it's because I'm really, really positive and I'm always smiling. Not sure though. Anyways, I got rolled in, flipped over onto the operating table, got my blood pressure thing wrapped around my arm, an oxygen clip on my finger, and put my head in a hole. 2 Minutes later I felt this sting in my arm it hurt so bad then I was out. A couple weeks ago I got the same anesthesia but they put this medicine in me to keep it from stinging. I think the nurse forgot to do it this time because I remember her saying 'oops'

Well, I woke up during this thing. I fucking woke up. I heard them talking, I don't remember what they were saying but I heard them and I remember my back hurting. I started moving my arms because I knew I was not supposed to be awake. I heard the nurse say, 'she's moving her arm' then I stopped. Then I moved my arm again because I was still awake and I COULD NOT TALK it was so fucking weird. I couldn't talk so I think I mumbled something then I was out.

When I woke up, correctly this time, from the hip down I was completely numb. I couldnt lift my legs and I couldn't feel my feet. I couldn't wiggle my toes either or feel the nurse touch them. I remember when I had surgery in 2004 my mom would keep touching my feet to make sure I had feeling in them. 30 minutes later I could walk but my legs were pretty heavy. My throat burned so fucking bad I kept asking for sprite and more sprite.

They took the IV out and I left. My father got me keva juice and 2 hours later my throat still burns and my back burns as well. So fucking bad. Oh well. It's just the skin I don't really feel a lot of internal back pain which is great :)

here's a picture:(click it.)

the dots are where dr brauder went in and burned my nerves. the scars are old from 2004.

I had to be woken up when I had my spinal fusion surgery because I lost a lot of blood. Dr. Madigan had to wake me up to make sure I could move my legs because they thought I was paralyzed. I don't remember being woken up. I'm glad I don't remember.

I'm feeling kind of sick now I don't think I should have eaten anything.................

Today I think I'll lay in bed I wish I had a cable box in my room. I'm really fucking cold. I woke up really fucking cold. I have 2 comforters so I'm good.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

everyone is dyingthe lamps still hold the light bulbsthat somehow become unscrewedslowlyand the table wobblesthe light flickersuntil you get annoyedand try to screw it tighteronly to be burned

break every bone in yourbody just trying to turn the lightback on yeahit doesn't quite work that waybut we can try

you want thisso badlyyou'd do anythingcommitting suicide is the only thingyou could possibly think ofyou never even triedto screw the light bulbback into placebecause it was just too far awayin a place like thisyou laid downand couldn't get backup without the help of a caneand you had no pills in your system youwere lying on the floor cryingand crying and when we found youyour body had dried up andall we found was your liver.

Today is Tuesday. Tomorrow is Wednesday. Tomorrow I am getting some nerves in my back burned with radio waves. Why am I excited? Because maybe for once in my life I can go a day without limping around like House. Maybe for once in my life when I go to school nobody will ask me if I'm fucked up.Sometimes I think, what if this is how it's supposed to be, you know? What if this is how I'm supposed to live? This has made me tougher like nothing else has, I can no longer cry. The last time I remember truly crying is the day they rolled me into surgery. My mother cried first then, too. I think I get to choose what I get to do with myself. My pain is my own and I can do what I choose with it. Either living with it or doing something about it.I don't need anyone's thoughts or anything like that. I'm tough and I'm usually smiling. I like writing about this, though, because it actually helps me immensely.My mother likes to encourage me to have some hope in things such as this procedure, or aqua aerobics, working out, cardio, etc etc. Dear mom, I wish you could jump into my shoes. We have tried all these things and have they helped? No, they havent. Lying in bed and taking pills and occasional alcohol are the only things I can count on. This is rather unfortunate.

Modest Mouse makes me happy.

Lydiah Merritt has been my friend for 3 years. i'm happy.

doin the cockroach, yeah.

something I wrote today:

they make fun of me everydayi really don't know whyi don't really carei've been made fun of all my lifefor some reasonI really don't knowwhy but I like how I've turned out.

whenever I get made fun of I justhave to think of youI think of how you talk about me and myoreo grin and my middle fingerI think about howfucking insane I am andabout the time you bitched at methe time I bitched at youand I remember how it didn't reallymatter because I had youAnd you had mebefore and after itwas still the same.