Posts Tagged With: lizards

Today is Bad-Advice Friday. I shall be dispensing bad advice to all comers. The advice will stupendously bad. Even moderately sane politicians will say, “No, no, don’t follow this advice.” I would advise you not to follow this, but I am giving bad advice today.

JA asks, “When a woman asks, ‘Does this outfit make me look fat?’, what is the best way to leave the country to avoid trouble?”

Dear JA: Tell the woman her sister will be taking you to airport and the two of you will be at a beach in Fiji until she’s ready to be reasonable. Before doing leaving the country, try to learn by asking the next dozen you women meet if they’re fat. I’m sure they’ll appreciate the effort you made.

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JR asks, “How much gasoline should I use to start a charcoal grill?”

Dear JR: Not more than your biggest gasoline can can hold. You don’t want to overthink things or you’ll never get anything done.

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DZ asks, Home ownership is a drag. I miss renting, and having a repairman on call to do the work and foot the expense of maintenance. Please advise.

Dear DZ: Put the biggest, nastiest stash of illegal drugs or explosives, your choice, you can find by the broken thingy. Then call the police about it. You’ll be pleasantly surprised how quickly the men in blue will show up. They’re thorough as well. They’ll take apart everything. Be sure to pay them, though. No one likes working for free.

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KD asks, “What should I do if I see a chicken trying to cross the road?”

Dear KD: Follow it. Hold you hands underneath as you do so. It might lay an egg into your hands. Don’t give up. Follow as long as it takes. Eggs are expensive.

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SC asks, “Should I cut the chain saw off to change the chain on it? (Someone actually asked my husband that when he worked at Lowes.)
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Dear SC: Oh Heavens no, use an acetylene torch instead.

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SR asks, “Who is really the best person to set up that meeting with the Congressional Black Caucus for the President?”

Dear SR: Get someone from a minstrel show to approach the CBC. Be sure to get someone from a good minstrel show to do the talking. You don’t want to insult them.

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WK asks, “When I’m out in the rain, does the color of the umbrella I’m using make a difference?

Dear WK: Buy six different colors of umbrellas. Wait for the next rainstorm. Go outside and put them on the ground upside down. The umbrella that collects the least rain in an hour has the color that repels rain the most.

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JE asks, “How do I teach my lizard to wave?”

Dear JE: Hire a shock therapist. Lizards, while quick learners, are notoriously aloof and independent. Shock therapy will show the critter who’s boss.

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RS asks, “Can I teach my Dalmatian dog, Trotsky to read? He is 18 months old. He has trouble sitting still for longer than five minutes. Is that too early? What reading materials would you suggest for a playful young puppy?”

Dear RS: You gave your dog a Russian name. Now, it can only learn to read in Russian. Enroll your dog at KGB headquarters in Moscow. Don’t worry about your canine paying attention. The agency’s obedience methods are second to none.