Trying…

So, here we are. (Almost) September 2019. 4 years after getting married, 10 years after meeting in a dingy bar in the Lower East Side #thanksforthebirthdaypartyjoni. We have one beautiful, wild, maniac man who we never thought we’d have and just turned one. He waves and stands and shovels fistfuls of food into his face. There are so many random, every day things I do that I never thought I would have to, or get to do. It’s also been the hardest year of my life, in just about every facet. We have really just finally figured out how to manage life and feel like anything but drowning. And I know that will likely change in a couple weeks (or days) when he starts WALKING. Lord help me. LOL I am so excited for it and also know that everything will change!

But, here we are. Having real conversations about…trying. I have so many damn feelings about this. On the one hand I always wanted two children. We both have siblings and would love to have Liam have a sibling as well. On the other hand…it took everything we (I) had to get the one we do have. I have been through the ringer and back and through and back again. But on another hand I just turned 37. As you can see, I have many, many hands. And the reality is, biology is real and so are clocks. So, there is a pretty legitimate timeline for this if we want to do it. I feel like we just got the hang of things and seem to have a system that works; one that has us sleeping a normal amount and functioning somewhat as human beings. If there was no timeline biologically, I would probably like another year or so to chill. But, alas.

Over my birthday weekend we had a little heart to heart that went something like this.

“OK, so we both still would like two kids if that is possible, right?

Right.

So, then I feel like we need to start exploring things now. Because it took 3 years to get the first one and I am a fossil.

You’re not a fossil. But, I get it. But we need to think about what if it does happen soon ish and money, daycare, etc.

Yes. But if we wait until we can afford two kids in daycare we will be actual corpses.

True.”

And then we talked about what if it doesn’t go smoothly. What if we don’t get pregnant. Or, maybe worse, what if we do and we have more losses. What we decided was that we needed to set parameters, stick with them, and feel fulfilled with whatever the end result is. I know how DESTROYED I was for the majority of 2.5 years emotionally, and physically. My confidence in my body was shot, and that has remained an uphill battle. I don’t want to spend a significant portion of Liam’s childhood completely engulfed by the mindfuck that infertility can be.

So, we decided we would give it a year. Within that year if we needed to pursue fertility specialists we would do only treatment that was covered by our insurance; we have no money so that makes that decision easier for us HAHA. I am super lucky that I have any coverage to begin with. But since I did 2 cycles, I don’t have much coverage left. At the end of that year, whatever the situation is, we will be happy with that.

You feel almost guilty for even wanting another child. I feel like as part of the #ttc and #infertility community you understand how amazing it is that you got this happy ending after everything you’ve been through. And I know countless women who have been trying for as long, or longer, than I did and are still in the midst of treatment, testing and trying to figure out what’s next. And they probably want to punch me in the face, which in all fairness, is how I felt towards every person I knew who was pregnant from 2015-2018 so, I can’t blame them.

So, it is the delicate balance of: I feel like I will regret if I don’t try and I don’t want to be spending all my time, money, and energy on it for and endless amount of time (which anyone who has been in this knows is possible). As my OBGYN said a couple of weeks ago, “this is the year to try”. She is great because she is not an alarmist but she also doesn’t brush off my concerns either. There are risks the older you get but not enough not to try. She told me to give it a try for a few months on our own, since that is how we got here in the first place. And then scheduled me for a specialist appointment three months from now “just in case”.

Here we are. Not quite ready to try, but also not quite ready not to either. This feels strange because my blog has always kind of been in the past, even if it was the recent past. This is really the first post that is somewhat “Live” and that is scary AF. But #herewego

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