Tuesday, October 30, 2012

I am incredibly fond of small fuzzy things. Being a Psychology major this is a good thing considering how labs are usawally run with rats. Now this year I was supposed to be doing an independent study on the learning behaviors of rats vs. mice in complex mazes. But things happened, e-mails got lost thing the void of the internet and it didn't happen.

But rats are incredibly intelligent. They can learn agility courses with amazing efficancy. The study was going to compare the two but I had no mice.

So I asked and was granted the two spare rats to run a pilot study. I named them Hawkeye and Cap'n Rogers. We went along and did our thing for a bit.

well last week someone's rat died. So she came in and took Hawkeye. I find this out by walking in the next day to feed her and seeing her card replaced and the name reading Keli. Keli is a stupid name for a Hawkeye.

And there was no e-mail from Dr. Flory. Not one text saying even just, 'My rat *insert name* has recently died. I had to take yours from cadge B9.' Just this slap in the face of they stole my rat. Hawkeye was my baby and you took her.

You bitch!

I sobbed for maybe an hour. It's like someone taking your dog from you. I played with her dayly. I can still tell you how she liked her tummy rubbed and how she would always run up to the front of the cadge and stand on her little hind legs to wait to be taken out and played with or given a treat.

Well today, after I had checked on and played with her just yesterday. Rogers was taken. Like her whole cadge dissapered so I stood there for a moment having every worst possible case come to mind. She's been stolen by those crazy PETA nut cases. She died.

No.

Some one took her. Moved her away. I think she's the one that's now named Navi.

I'm just hurt and pissed.

Just, really. Couldn't they have at least told me they were going to take them?

Sunday, October 28, 2012

So Sandy is coming for Hollins. We don't know if we'll get snow or rain. Most likely power outages and lots and lots of water related things on the ground.

I'm all prepared with a lantern and I'm going to get some munchies that don't spoil tomorrow because Mom really still dose get concerned (I honestly wonder sometimes) and moved some money over into my account. So I'll have my little battery powered lantern, munchies, bottled ink and quills and bordgames with friends to pass the time. Apparently we should expect our power to go out for about a week.

Don'r know how classes will be affected. I hope papers will be extended but I don't want classes to be canceled.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Toys frustrate me as much as I love them. And I do. I love playing with toys for all ages and such but I hate walking through the toy part of Walmart and Target or a toy store. Because all the girl stuff just has to be pink. Really. I don't get it.

I'll look at puzzles and then, oh here's the boy toys all made for adventuring and durable and BLUE, and then before I even step into the girl aisle I'm blinded by sheer and utter pinkness.

Oh this drives me crazy, but what really hit me over the edge is when Legos did it to. Yes I'm speaking of Lego Friends.

Just why? Why is suddenly everything pastel? She doesn't even look like a lego person. She doesn't even go here! And the sets, I glanced at them in the store, are all about sleepovers and cafes and fluff.

But the regular legos had cafes and restrants and hospitals and houses. I don't understand. Why did they need to make it pink? Or makeup-y? Or prissy?

I tried to explaine to my Mom why I was so frustrated and it went about like this.

"But why do they have to make legos for girls? Why couldn't lego have just stayed gender neutral?"

Mom: "Girls just like pink. It's just been found that girls naturally like pink."

Me: "Pink used to be a boy color and girls are conditioned to like pink, we're surrounded from it since birth." We are, as soon as your clean it's like PINK! Pink everything.

Mom: "Well this is just the way it is and it's not a big deal. People are happyer this way. You never wanted any of the boy toys."

Me: "Yes I did! You just would never buy me the comics or legos or bug catching kits!" I did ask for them. Every Christmas, birthday and Easter and everything in between. I ended up just stealing my brothers and turning all my barbies into ninja spies who ruled the world with their army of beanie babies.

Mom: "It's just not a big deal, JR."

But it is. She had told me that I couldn't have them because they weren't what little girls played with. It wasn't till Grammy snuck me a set of a WWI plane with a aviator man to fly it that I got my own set.

And I don't understand. like tell me the gender of who made these:

Can you tell?

No.

I build things like that when I can and I know guys who do too. I don't understand how the little blocks have a gender. Why do we have to force a gender on everything?

It drives me crazy.

When I grow up and become a mom I shall have expressive unjudged kids. There will be princess dresses and prince suits and lab coats and sparkly shoes and boots. My kids will get to have skirts and pants. If I get a girl that dose all the 'boy' things cool. If I have a boy that likes to wear skirts and do 'gril things cool. If i get a really girly girl or a really boyish boy then cool too. Hell If I get on e like me that dances about the middle that's cool.

I suppose I'm just frustrated at the gender segregation. But really legos? Why Legos, why?

Friday, October 26, 2012

Tinker Day has to be my favorite Hollins tradition. For those of you who don't know Tinker Day is a random day, usawally between first frost and parents weekend. At midnight the seniors run down the halls in their robes banging pots and pans screeming. However they do this other nights before Tinker Day as well, it's their Tinker Scares. The way you know it's really Tinker Day is that the chapel bells right at seven am when Moody opens up with fresh kispy cream donuts.

After a rousing speech from President Gray We hiked up to Tinker mountain, took a water brake and then hiked up the mountain.

It's not a death hike, at least not for me but I'm pretty fit, but it's no stroll. My friends and I were in the back of the heard and they were pacing them selves, and I was with them. I didn't mind at all the mountain is beautiful and it's more fun to go up it with friends.

Somewhere in there I became the Water Fairy. We weren't the only group lagging behind and I didn't drink that much so I spent my time skipping and hopping back and forth to bring water to people that forgot theirs. Sometimes I'd find a nice rock climb up on top and ask anyone who passed if they needed some.

Went through two water bottles completly. I need to bring more next year.

Well we made it to the top were silly songs, fried chicken and skits awaited. The skits this year were really good. The first years apparently had watched my classes skits from previous years, not that we minded. We were really quite flattered and so proud of out sister class and are now happy to have a nice healthy competition.

Sadly the class of 2014 lost our Golden Donut winning streak when the seniors won best skit this year. I personally disagree I think if we lost to anyone we should have lost to the first years. They were really amazing. Either way we can just win it back next year and 3 out of 4 years has to be a record, even if they're not in a row.

Skits aren't anything like Broadway productions but we have fun and I feel like my class has raised the bar on how good a skit can be. I do have my favorite out of the three skits I've preformed, but it's always such a thrill to do new ones.

There were something's that bothered me on Tinker Day but that's a different post because right now I'm talking about how amazing it all was, just like every year before that.

Tinker Day in short is amazing and wonderful. More schools should do it.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

It's take back the night here at Hollins. I'm not ready to tell my story in-front of live faces yet. Not that big a crowd. So I'll stay at my laptop and eat some whoppers and here is my story.

TRIGER WARNING

It was Freshman year, spring brake going back to the house and I was in the Memphis airport. It started out innocently enough. I forgot it was a friday in Lent and ordered ribs because who can go through Memphis and not order ribs? They were delishous. I was in my traveling clothes, sweat pants, tee shirt sneakers, baseball cap. You know comfy clothes.

Well a young man walked up and asked if he could sit with me to eat and I said yes. I would like to think I'm a friendly person and he seemed nice enough.

so we sat and we were talking.

And he kept asking about me.

Did I have a boy?

Did I ever date a boy like him? (A black man)

Did I like boys like him?

Did I like girls? (what the heck? I'd only said I was single and not looking at the moment. How is that insta-lesbian?)

Where was I going?

I could hardly understand him he had such a thick accent.I did manage to understand some parts of it where he said he worked for the airport. Had a lot of girls, and should I want to I could skip the flight and stay with him for a day...or week.

Yeah.

So I got up and went off to find my gate. But I was in a far corner of the airport, were there wasn't alot of people...and I suppose you could say I made a wrong turn. I went from a few other people to being alone.

There are three major stress responces. Fight. Flight. Freeze.

I froze like a rabbit. As if the dog that had shoved me againced the wall would forget I was there and walk away.

No he shoved my pants down, laughing at how I squeaked. And he shoved a finger up my ass.

I couldn't move. I just couldn't.

He told me I was cool because his other girls weren't that tight and they weren't as chill with it as I was. He joked about how I had gotten shit on his finger.

I said nothing. I grabed my bag and ran away. Half my mind was screaming that I had been raped, the other half was desperitly protesting, I hadn't said no, he hadn't shoved his dick up my vag. I couldn't be raped that couldn't happen. no not to me. please no. All of me had gone numb.

I found my gate and he found me and called his phone with mine. I was still to numb and shocked to protest him taking my phone from my pocket. He stayed with me till I got on the plane, but not before I had to give him a hug and promise to call him to stay with him if I was ever in town again. A promise I have every intention of shattering into thousand of tinny tinny pieces.

He texted me every morning and several times during the day for about a month and a half after that. Demanding I give him pictures. topless pictures.

Funny how when I freeze and can't talk I'm cool and beautiful and what ever else slithered out of his devil mouth, but when I say no I'm white trash and worthless and a bitch.

I stil have him in my address book incase he ever trys to call or text me again. I'll know to not answer.

It wasn't till last spring that I was able to call what had happened a rape, and then I would freak out every time Ali touched me for a weeks.

I felt so stupid, so weak, so pathetic.

Ali was so patient with me. Not even holding my hand until I had said I was okay with it. I had to have driven her crazy, climbing up the walls to get space one second and then sobbing and wanting to be held close and cuddled the next. I think I screamed at her once. I don't know how long we stayed celibate, but I would apologize for it and cry till Ali always very gently would hold me and tell me I never had to say sorry for things I wasn't comfortable with. It was okay. She loved me and she'd protect me and it was okay.

When we finally made love again, I was a very timid JR. But she looked at me and said "Jazy Reaves, just look right at me and remember I will never hurt you." And that bit about the moment I think I might not be okay to say something. We didn't get off that time, but I must say it is still one of my fondest memories. Just the love in her eyes as corny as that is, she had so much love in her eyes and how she held me, touched me.

She really is my Angel.

I'm better now. I still avoid Memphis when I can help it, and spend my time in the airport looking over my shoulder for him. But I took a Shock class and Kempo so next time it happens I won't freeze and I just might remove the dirty bastard's ability to hurt anyone else.

This is my story. Maybe one day I will be able to speak at take back the night.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

So I dropped my Concetta about a month ago now, and I've never been better.

Honestly it still takes about the same amount of effort to focus and stay on task as it did on the pill so I must have already built up a tolerance to the dose. The difference is that now because I don't have a drop in stimulation to the frontal lobe I don't suddenly act "real loopy" as it has been called where I can't sit still and I can't listen for longer than two words.

I hadn't had to make my self so when it suddenly dropped I was kinda thrown for a loop.

Now I'm actually doing much better and there's no drop. I can eat so I'm not starving and in pain late at night. There are no migraines and I know that I can do things on my own now with out meds.

Juliette helped me pick out a planer that's nice and colorful and works very well for me, and Ali helped me get a legal pad holder and a legal pad of graph paper so now I have checklists for what I need to do. That is my calendar on the wall I'm fairly organized now!

For me at least.

I'm doing well in all my classes, and I'm happy about it.

The one major difference that my friends have commented on is that I feel stronger now. I have higher highs and lower lows. Not like I'm on an emotional roller-coster but I can get happier and more upset over things. I love it!

So we have come to the point of the night where I must confess that my parents goals for me and my goals don't match up.

Mom and Dad's dream:

I'm in a nice house with lots and lots of little babies and a good husband and career. Lots of money and success. Possibly some presteege. Also the husband will be clean and Christian (But that's mostly mom). I will be close to them and all the other little ones. Oh and vote republican.

Mine:

Where I will Live
In (Preferably) a small cottage, on a small to medium farm somewhere that's not Texas, farming some vegetables and fruits and some trees or melons or vines would be nice too. Perhaps enough to make a profit in a farmers market but at least enough to even out the cost of maintaing it. I've always liked eating fresh fruits and veggies.

Also on this farm I'd like to have some chickens and bees for fresh eggs and honey.

Really I'd like to be as self sustaining as possible. Solar panels and all. I'd have a little pond for fish if it wasn't so much. I might eventually but in my plans for now, no fish pond.

Also on this farm I will have an Irish Wolfhound named Pillage. If I get a second one I'll name them Plunder

Why?

Well besides being absolutely adorable, Wolfhounds are incredibly intelligent. You can train them with just your tone of voice, and they have a remarkable memory. Also they are incredibly loyal and good with kids.

They were used as dogs of war and after a long day of killing and tearing men apart limb from limb they would go home and curl up with the kids by the fire and watch them and sleep at the foot of their beds. They are huge dogs, I met one and his nose was in my ribs, but they don't eat much. They don't binge they just eat what they need and then go on with their day. They apparently don't need that much space to be happy.

Also I love horses. The light race horses are nice and all and I like going fast and racing the wind and that lovely feeling of flying, but nothing compares to a good heavy draft horse. My favorite breed are the Shier horses.

They're huge.

And beautiful.

And mine will be named after a Hobbit. Most likely Samwise Gamgee. I love Sam, he is my favorite Hobbit.

I would use mine to pull a cart around or plow, but also to ride. I will most likely do bare back, and if I can train him/her to be rode with out a bridle as well, and just go by the tug on the mane I would be so happy.

It dose not hurt a horse to have their mane tugged on, pulled on mercilessly probably, but tugged on no.

The last mostly outdoor/outdoor animal is a trained Barn Owl.

Have you ever petted a barn owl? It's like petting fluffy air. I've also always wanted my falconers license, but most of the falcons you don't keep, as part of a preservation for nature thing. At least that's how it works with, I believe, the red falcons. People care for them for the first year where they're most likely to die and then release them.

Nothing against that. I'd love to participate in that, but I'd like a bird of prey to stay with me and sit on my shoulder, and all that.

Who I shall Wed
At this point in my life I will mary Lee and Ali.

Mother would not approve. Dad probably wouldn't as well but not nearly as much as Mother dear's hell fire rage. You'd think I was sprinting to hell for an orgy or something.

Sometimes in Poly relationships theres a primary, meaning that for person A their person B comes before all others. I don't do this, Ali doesn't ether. Lee hasn't ever been in a poly relationship before, but I'm pretty sure I'm his primary. He's also not seeing anyone else so there's that too.

Still there are no two people that I would rather have in my life forever. And they seem to like me too so always a plus~!

Poor Ali thou, she's from a tiny family (2 kids with her dad, 3 with her mom). Lee has about 14 if I remember correctly and I have 10. Lee and mine's idea of a good size for a family, not to big not to small is 6. All the blood drains from Ali's face when we say this.

It's something that will be discussed further down the rode.

Job
Really I want my books that I write to take off enough that I don't have to do anything else. I'll have my etsy for some small bonuses, and I'd like to be a masusse/hot stone therapist as well.

There is a camp I want to open five years down the rode from now that's a post on it's own.

But as far as a career job job I'd like to do sport therapy with special needs kids.

It's something I knowtsied with myself that I focus best and am usawaly happiest outside doing someting. Soccer team might be hard to get enough to start with but things like ridding, Archery, things that can be done alone or in a group.

But I really want to be abul to do that for nearly free. A lot of times the families are already tied buy prescriptions and therapies. So I really really want my books to take off.

And then not have to have a career. That would be nice. Then everything I do will be because I want to do it not because I need money.

Religion and other tidbits
None of us are that chruchy. Mom has become super churchy, but I must say it doesn't transfer over. Christian yes. In the pew every Sunday...not so much.

Voting...I will vote for who I think is the most qualified and like this race it could end up being third party. Librarian, gun rights and gay rights!

That's about it.

My parents and I still love each other but oh my are there things I don't bother to tell them. The farm part is probably okay...the wed and job part...weeeellll. And we don't talk politics at all. It's just a bad idea.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Like a small glass Christmas tree ornament thrown off of the Empire State building broke, and this was something I'd always wanted to try before.

Naked modeling.

Yup.

Me.

Nude infront of a group of strangers who will see everything in only a way artists can. That is ether very good or very bad.

I finally got my brake this last week, and I'm very glad it was for Ali's class.

Apparently I looked very confidant and not at all nervous as I got up on that little stage in the middel. Oh no. Oh nonono, but thank you Ali for believing me so fearless. I was so nervous.

There is something absolutely terrifying and something very empowering about standing naked as a wee babe in front of a group of people.

I did my first pose facing Ali, and pretended that everyone else didn't exist. It was a three minute pose as they drew me with ink and brushes. With in the first two minuets I got over being embarrassed.

Everyone was nice, the music they had put on was really good and you know what, when else will it be okay for me to be nude in front of people? Live a little.

So I had fun with it. My first pose had been a marching bad stretch, then I did a 'ta-da' with spirit fingers. A knock of of thriller. An Archer's stance. A back/shoulder stretch. A crouching hunter thingy. A backbend.

And then a brake, where I got to hop off the stand and walk around and peek at the ink drawings. I wrapped in the blanket I had around me so I wasn't flouncing to much about naked.

Well I remembered that the first time. After that every one was relaxed an joking around enough that me popping up next to them with nothing on didn't bother anyone.

The last two were 15 minuets each and were sitting.

The last one I couldn't stop giggaling. My hair was tickling me. I was facing Ali at the time and apparently she got a lot of complements on how she got my smile.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Dyslixia and disgraphia. I have five disorders, three of
which are mental, but for the next few pages I’m going to just talk about those
two. I’ve been dignosed with Progressive Dyslixia, so I write every thing
backwards but can read and retain faster than the agrave person and love to dig
in to a good Charles Dickens or Tolkin noval. I also have Disgraphia, and not
with math, but I spell things they way they sound, feneticly if you will. In
the gratest of all ironys, around the same time I was tested and dignosed I
started my life’s ambition to become an author.

That’s right, a published, hopefully best selling, Young
Adult author.

What may be the problem you ask? If I want it I should
go for it, and let nothing stand in my way! Well to be frank, the English
langwige sucks. Its words are spelled sometimes the exact opposite of what they
sound like. Many times it will look right to me, sound right when I sound it out,
but as soon as a teacher or class mate sees it they’ll look at me and ask,
“Now, what where you trying to say?”

Every one else sees the way words come out of me as
wrong. I don’t conform to ither their or their twisted langwige’s bizzar and
aquward rules. What no one else seems to understand is this is how I think.
This is how words look and fell right to me and in my head. Sure I my adjust my
spelling for the convinance of others, but that dosn’t change me or how I
think. That doesn't stop other from trying to change me, my mind and insist I
can do everything thier way.

In the thierd or fouth grade, in order to save me from
impending school structured doom and my teachers a deal on advil from reading
my ‘creative interptratations’ of words I was put as a floter in Spechal
Education classes. This worked out pretty good for the most part. I could step
out of class and drop in if something didn't quite make sence to me and get
some extra time and attenchen that normaly couldn’t be spared in a room of around
twenty little devals. That was as long as I didn’t get stuck with Miss.
Browning. Many times if I would ask Miss. Browning how to spell a word she
would give me a dictionary and tell me to look it up. Even if I came back
thirty miunets later and said I couldn’t find it, she would shake her head and
tell me it was in there somewhere and to stop being so lazy and go find it.
Eventualy I just started peeking in the door and if she was the only teacher
avalbul I would walk around the school and back to class and just stay confused
rather than be confused and embaressed.

In high school, in class peer reviewed assigments were
things to be dreaded, simply because people are shallow. Many times I would
write at the bottem of the paper or something simaler telling them why there
was so many incorrect spellings. It never really mattered. Out of a nine point
grading scale I would always get a two or three, however for the typed up
rewrite I would change very few things in the way of word order and sentence
flow and simply spell cheak it. My grade would then go up to eghits and nines.

In anomous critic here at Hollins I was asked if English
was my first langwige, or if I was one of the transfer students in a note from
workshop when my betta reader was too busy to look over my submission. In a
room where people were reading anonmis works, where they author may or may not
be in the room, and giving verbal feed back for a note taker a Hollins woman
asked why bother with seending any edit notes becuse of the intelagance leval
of the author. She had nothing to go on other than what was in front of her,
and very clearly expressed that she douted the “smartness” of the person
because they hadn’t grasped speling and gramer, and well what intelagent person
doesn't get that?

It happens everywhere.

It is a both frustrating and interesting way to go
through life. I now know more ways to use a thusoraus as a spell cheaker than I
do a dictionary. The actwal spell cheak on my computer and I are old rivals at
what letters should go where in what words. Around close friends a drimatic
reading of any unspelled cheaked work leads to a good laugh. Crying over the
fate of lost tomatos and lost tomarows are two very different things,
especially when the victims head is up next on the chopping block.

I’ve learned over the years to have editors lined up and
that I need to start papers days in advance of the due date, at least more so
than usawal. The world still insists that I can master their english and be
just as good at the rest of them if I really really try. They still don’t get
it. This is how I see the world, this is how I see words and how they look
right to me. Their clunky spelling with forced letters to sit in spots they
don't look welcomed in on the page reads and feels wrong. This is my mind and
it refuses to change for any langwaige, no matter how strange.

Monday, October 15, 2012

So one of the things I really enjoy doing is asking and answer questions. So ask me any thing and I will answer it. It can be about food, gams, movies, sex, relationships. Anything. That thing you want to know but don't want to ask. Ask it.

Or don't, up to you.

But discussions are best with multiple people. Folks tend to give you less strange looks.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

It's about time I did a game review. Now if any of you still have a Gamecube (you can get them for 20$ now) or own a wii, I suggest you pick up and play Tails of Symphonia.

Why?

OH MY FLUFFY MONKEYS THIS GAME!!!

*ahem*

What I meen to say is, this game is just absolutely fantastic. The graphics are bright and the music is cheery but this game's backstory get's so dark and twisted. In a everything you know is a lie, the people you thought were good are evil, the evil ones are working for the good ones, the good ones are working for the evil ones, and you are a lamb for the slaughter.

It's so amazing. The plot twists are unexpected but when you look back they make perfect sense. And as much shit hits that fan, the shit has not hit the fan till the end of disk one.

Here's your team:

Now Lloyd, the one with brown hair and in red, is your main point of view person. He's an orphan raised by a dwarf named Dirk on the outskirts of town. His best friends are Genis, the white haired, in blue kid and Colette, the blond girl dancing on the side there.

You start out with these three in a school room learning about the Wold Regeneration Process. This is where the Chosen, Colette, must take a journey to the Tower of Salvation and Regenerate the world so that the worlds Mana (source of all life) will start coming back.

You set off, well more like chase after Colette when she leaves with her two guards, your professor Rain and Kratos a mercenary. She'd left early with out telling you so that you would stay behind and stay safe. To heck with that! Off you go! Never mind that evil half elves are after their lives and a Chosen has never made it through the journey alive before.

Along the way you pick up Sheena, the Assassin, who fights with cards. She's the black haired one.

I don't want to spoil to much because so much happens! Shit is constantly hitting your fan and the graphics only seem to get cheerier the darker the plot becomes. Everyone but Lloyd has hidden motives and dark secrets. But Lloyd has sad family past so it makes up for it.

My personal favorit is Kratos, both in ability and story.

From what you know at the start Kratos is a wandering sell sword. He's an incredibly skilled swordsman and spell caster, as well as healer. Thou you have to work awhile to get his real badass spells. He is hired to protect the Chosen and aid in the world regeneration process, however he also takes an interest in Lloyd and trains him to be a better swordsman.

MILD-NOT SO MILD SPOILERS

Kratos also, unlike the church, the villains, many of your team, and random civilians, changes sides many times. Or so it seems. His first unveiling of a secret comes at the Tower of Salvation. You think he's set you up. (I advise you, level him up like crazy anyway. You don't fight him, and you really need him before he wanders off for a bit.) If you want to try and figure out Krato's secret as you play pay very close attention to him. How he acts around cretin players. The dialogue right before he kills someone yelling "Feel the pain of those inferior beings as you burn in Hell!"is also a big tip.

SPOILERS DONE

This game also comes complete with an anime and a manga that can be found online. Read and watch at your own spoiler risk. There is an english fandub of the anime but I prefer the fansub. Both gloss over points in the game, but also give you backstory that you hear but don't get to see in the game.

Sexuality is like a bunch of Skittle Chickens. Each one is beautiful and unique down to the very chicken that's colored. What I define as my sexuality I've already been told by many that it doesn't exist. That I'm really just bi and should stop trying to be sepecal or that I'm really straight, and have been fooled in to thinking I could possibly like girls. Pan isn't a real sexuality and you can't be one thing leaning another, so the fact that I say I'm leaning Demi is absoulty propostours.

But you see even if you group all of the little pan blue chicks together and all of the little yellow straight chicks together and all of the little purple asexual chicks together, and the little green gay chicks and the little orange bi chicks and the pink chicks who are forever confused like my friend Juliette you haven't grouped together a bunch of identical chicks. Yes they are all the same cute fluffy color but that dosn't meen that bi chick named Bill won't mostly go for girls or that the straight chick named Patty isn't open to maybe trying something out with another girl chick. There again there's Pam who will only date, love and have sex with boy chicks thank you. All are acceptable.

Okay, here are the nitty gritty definitions of my three love search bars I suppose you could call them? Pansexual, Dimisexual, and Polyamory.

How they work to me is as fallows, with adorable pictures for each:

Pansexual/Dimisexual:

Gender doesn't matter. Looks don't mean anything on how attracted I am to you. So it really doesn't matter if your male, female, gender queer, male and female, nothing at all, transgender. It truly doesn't matter to me. The soiatal standers of beauty are screwy anyway. If I love you you are the most beautiful/handsome person I have ever seen.
This works on the flip-side as well. Ali has stretch marks, and I always thought they were some of the coolest things ever and called them tiger stripes...because well they look like white tiger stripes. They're beautiful.

I saw someone else with stretch marks that I just down right despised and I clearly remember thinking that it looked like a parasite was festering and breading inside him causing him to rot away.

I have to be atracted to you as a person before your body will do anything for me at all. Look at it this way. Apparently many people find Tony Stark attractive. I'm sorry. No matter how much he grew as a person in the Avengers, Iron Man and Iron Man II really just killed any chance I would ever find him good looking. To much of an ass.

Now I've heard that some Dimi's just don't get anything at all from looking at a body, even if it is someone they are attracted to emotionally that inhabits said body; also from what I gather Pan usawaly or at least in many cases means you can also be atracted to a person's body. I'm in that little place in the middle.

Thus why I say Pan with a Dimi leaning.

Gender doesn't matter, and it truly is what's on the inside that counts for me. Even people like Thor, Hawkeye, Aragorn, Syrena, Charlie's Angels, Or any of these other people that I don't know the names of. I can see that, yes, they are attractive, but I am not attracted to them. I don't know them. As odd as it sounds I just don't like them. Not even crush. Or fantisize. I don't know them...so I just don't.

Once I am attracted to you...good golly you can be one of the most attractive people I have ever seen. Ali and Lee both can just...I don't know how, but just look so...so...thought stopingly fantastic, and sexy, and amazing and beautiful, and handsome all at once.

Also sometimes I just get turned on by how they look.

Let me tell you they can look veeerrryyy good.

Like "Oh...hello there..." good.

So their bodies do something for me, believe me they do, but only because I already love them.

Am I making sense?

Now for Polyamory:

It's not about sex, or not getting enough of XYZ from ether Ali or Lee, because they are both more amazing than I could have ever dreamed. It's more like there isn't a little love bottle that has the sole amount of love that I can ever give.

This bottle, as cute as it is, dose not exist for me. The way I see it is that I can love multiple people at the same time and it doesn't mean that I love any of my wonderful loves any less. There's a beautiful amount of vulnerability and trust and open honestly that comes with a poly relationship. It, for me, is about love and not getting more sex or dates or XYZ.

Yes I have sex, but as of now only with Ali. Lee and I aren't that far along, and we just may not be engaging in the sexy times. That is something Lee and I will work out, and should we decide to engage in the sexy times, Ali will be aware. We've already discussed it me and her and she is okay with me doing what ever I am okay with from hand holding to handcuffs and all in-between, just keep her in the loop. Not a play by play, I just don't do that, and that's me. But something like "Hay, last night Lee and I made love and it was really nice." or "Last night/whenever, we did **activity**"

Lee is aware that Ali and I are active and is okay with that. There's no hiding anything.

Yes I may get more dates than the average 20something woman but, that's just a nice side effect.

Also just because I'm polly, dose not mean that I am out to just date about. Lee has already told me that he's not sure he is okay with multiple males and would rather I didn't date another man. This isn't any controlling, block or anything. This is comunication. Lee isn't okay with multiple men and me loving multiple men, so I won't date multiple men.

(Also Lee is just fantastic, I don't think I'd even meet another man that could even come in spitting distance.)

Ali doesn't mind multiple woman and neither dose Lee, and just because they date me doesn't meen they date each other. It's different for every polly couple or group or person. Even in our lovely trio.

As for how it works well:

Ali is polly = "JR you may date as many as you wish so long as you are happy/healthy and I still have quality time with you. I love you, keep me posted."

I (JR) am polly = "Ali and Lee, you may go date and find love where and how you wish. Keep me posted, and ask first how I feel about them too please, but over all, go have fun."

Lee is = "I love you, I don't know if I'm polly, but I shall be opened minded. Please don't date other men."

That's the short hand at least.

If you're still confused here is another way I can explain it:

Ali is the hamster clinging to the plant, I am the one with the flower, Lee is the one on the log. Ali is happy for me when I find other people I love, as am I for her. (She dated a very lovely woman for a while and was very happy.) Ali encourages I go out and after people I find attractive, sometimes to the point of walking up and telling them that I have a crush on them like she did once before.

Lee has just been monogamous, to my knowledge, up to this point. He is happy I have Ali, "Why would I be upset that other people find you as wonderful as I do," and we both are incredibly happy we have each other. He is keeping an open mind, and there are people out there who are okay with dating someone who is polly but are not polly themselves and that's okay. He may be polly. It's up to him.

I am in the middle. Very happy with my two wonderful loves and okay if they find other loves, and okay if things stay the way they are.

Am I clear? Sometimes explaining these things can be difficult. If not feel free to ask questions and I will gladly answer them.

I thought it was just ADD but apparently it's just an old term, and ADHD is the new and updated term as of the DSM IV and has two subsets of pradomitly inactive and pradomitly hyperactive. Basicly you have the kids who are quite and the teachers like them, but they just can't seem to pay attenchen, and the kids who drive all the teachers nuts and can't pay attention because they can't quit jumping around the room.

This is usawlay treated by an amphetamine pill, such as Riddalyn. The problem is it's a quick fix and it is not very long lasting till you have to switch pills because you build a tolerance to them so quickly. Riddalyn stopped working for me in about three years. That's bad. Pill hopping can be bad.

And the side effects are awful.
I never want to eat. Like I'll walk into Moody and want to throw up just because I thought of maybe possibly putting something in my mouth. If I take them to late in the day I can't sleep at night. They give me migraines sometimes. And by the time they wear off at night I haven't eaten much all day so I'm starving at maybe about 11pm and hunting for food around my room.

On the flipside it's easyer for me to stay on task and plan...ish. I'm still not good with planers
but in my head planing and the follow through.

How they work in not jargon is they act as a stimulus to the Frontal lobe of your brain. That's the part basically right behind your forehead, it's in control of things like judgement, planing, holding out for higher rewards, that sorta thing. ADHD people, to my understanding, have an underdevloped Frontal lobe, and there for it can't keep up or control the limbic system, whitch is emotions and impulses.

So think of it like a baby. The baby is hungry and you will know it's hungry because they will cry and continue to do so until they have food. They don't consider that Mom or Dad has had a long day and is tiered and still has more work to do. They are hungry now. but you ad the majical pill of age and then the baby/kid can understand that if they wait maybe five minuets they will be fed and all will be well in the world.

I also can't join the military as long as I'm on the pill for it. That just bites. It was something I've always wanted to do, and Army reserve to me is something I fell I would be good at and its a six year job. Six year paycheak. That's pretty good for this economy.

Anyway.

I've been starting to feel like the bad out wighes the good on the effects of this thing. I know I can fourush and be successful and all that with out it, the problem is I was never really taught any skills to handle it besides swallowing that little white pill.

So maybe there is a planer out there that will help me, I just need to find it. I just don't know how or what kind to even look for. I know I'm going to go out tonight and get a legal pad of grid paper and a holder thing for it, so I'll have that to make lists and notes on what I need to do. My thing is, should I cut off cold turkey? I am in college. If this is a really bad idea right now my GPA could suffer.

Also Ali says that she can tell when I'm not on the pill because well my fiery temper gets more fiery. I get more stressed when I remember things I forgot easyer. I snap sooner. Not to a complete and utter bitch level but knowtisabul.

I don't know, I could just be panicking because I forgot and I just remembered and I don't know for how long I will. So a planer could fix that.

Right now I think I might just start cutting down how many times I week I take it, and then take it less and less. That way it's gradual and I want to get an outside person to monitor as well so that if it's really an bad idea, someone might see before me and I can stop before I shoot my self in the foot and we go from there.