"We've just gone deeper than any other human, ever."

More Torchwood on the radio today, so here are some brief thoughts on Submission:

Submission, because it's a mission in a sub. GROAN. Everyone who tuned in hoping for a spot of dominatrix-based fun is going home disappointed, and everyone who made the mistake of watching Minnie Driver in The Deep is having nasty flashbacks already. And that's a darn shame, because dominatrix-based fun with Minnie Driver in a submarine would have been a more interesting plot idea that this one turned out to be.

A massive plasma cannon explosion blows up half the Severn Bridge. I love special effects on the radio.

"I pulled rank with UNIT, mentioned the Doctor 57 times..." - this is just an average Tuesday night out for Jack, innit?

Oh look, Ianto's suddenly acquired an old flame and she's the "sexiest marine biologist ever". She's also got a tedious way with endless exposition and a few vaguely amusing lines squeezed in to try to convince us that she's got a personality ("Jack, if you make a joke about your sex pistol, the mission ends here."). Overall, though, Carlie failed to win me over, and by that I mean I was shouting "Get the alien to possess her! Nobody will care!"

"You notice things. Little looks, little glances. And where he put his hand at 30,000 feet." - You know, despite Jack's protests back in season 2, I think tape measures DO lie. I've certainly never heard of one that measured 30,000 feet...

Aww, poor Ianto is obliged to retroactively foreshadow both the ultimate tragedy of his and Jack's relationship ("he's become an expert at letting people go") and his own demise ("That's Torchwood, isn't it. Kills us in the end."). I think this is what's known as being wise after the event, before the event.

Gwen accidentally snapped both hands off a corpse, whoops-a-daisy. Still, that solves the problem of what to give Jack for Christmas. After all, he took excellent care of the last one, and if he had two, they could keep each other company when he's out.

"To get [absolution], I'd have to become mortal and that's never going to happen, so I'm never going to know." - I don't wish to spoiler anyone for the first episode of Miracle Day, but please picture me looking at this line and holding up a large sign marked "FORESHADOWING", and I'll leave it at that.

In conclusion: the occasional half-decent line notwithstanding, Submission pretty much sunk like a stone. My hopes are with The House of Dead to really pull it out of the bag tomorrow. Come on, James "Shipper" Goss, don't let us down.

In other audio-based news, Radio 4 has had an unusual amount of my attention in the last week, not only because of Torchwood but because they are also the home of Cabin Pressure, which I am only just discovering for the first time (yeah, I know, my priorities in life are All Wrong).

Unsurprisingly, I was lured into listening by the prospect of audio Cumberbatchery, and he is indeed a delight to the ears, but I was convinced to stay by the ample helpings of creative silliness and nicely turned lines. I particularly enjoyed the covert Sherlockery that was not-so-subtly squeezed into the Paris episode. I'm now thinking that I ought to backtrack to earlier series and find out what I missed...