I came across this wonderful phrase while doing my daily reflections before I went to bed yesterday. Maybe because I just can’t sleep. Something have been bothering me a lot and really make me wonder where I really stand in this big big world. I’m currently lost. You know that feeling like :

Hurt, lost, left out in the dark, kicked when you’re down, on the edge of breaking down …

Alone, with no one you can seek help from.

Abide whatever happens ..

“All Or Nothing”

What a concept. In life there are to things that matter the most I guess. I mean at least for me. It’s either ALL or NOTHING at all. Yup, I know, I got this from the tv series. What the heck! What I meant was, if you have something to give, give it ALL but if you don’t have anything to offer, might as well don’t give anything at all and that is nothing. So I come to conclusion, if you have nothing to offer, might as well don’t give it any HOPE as well.

For those who have been sending me sms, I’d say thank you very very much. I think I got a lot of people misleaded because of the “Smack The Bitch Up!” post. Thank you for your kind and heartwarming smses. But I feel funny. Guys, I am OK. I’m doing fine, nothing bad happen. It was just something that suddenly came out from my mind and I thought it’s a cool idea to be discussed. It’s not that I’m breaking up with someone or whatsoever thing that you guys have in your head.

Amongst those smses I think Ken’s sms was the funniest :

Ken : Hey, wassup bro? Read your latest post. It’s ok bro. I understand how you feel. By the way, you can always talk to me if you need someone to talk to.

I hope I made myself clear that nothing happened during the writing of that post, not even the tiny little ant was harm. I’m ok .. I repeat I’m Ok!

Just a few updates on what’s currently happening. I’ll be attending a few interviews next week. This time around in Bintulu. That would be on the 30th and another one would be the examination for PTD on the 2nd February. I tell you, when I received the letter I dropped my jaw down to the floor. The exam schedule was damn packed man. Fucking ridiculous! But I’ll just try my luck anyway. Who knows one day I’ll be the district officer in your area. Ha ha ha .. That’s all for now folks.

I’m suffering from the “I’m fucking angry but can’t say a fucking thing syndrome“. It’s just that I don’t have that right to be angry, I don’t have the power even to feel angry but I am angry. It sounded wierd, but it’s true. I’m frustrated for no reason, beaten down dead, fucked up and .. wahhhhh .. enough said. Shit, this is like a diary post! Save it for next time when I am in a more secure mode, if you got what I mean. Fuck That’s it, I’m out of here!

p/s: No, this is not one of those crazy/stupid chain-letters where you get a can of whoop-ass unleashed upon you if you don’t send this to as many people as you can. It’s just one of those things that I feel guilty keeping to myself.

I had an interesting conversation with mom the other day. Compared to my dad, topics that I discussed with her is much more on the softer side of a guy. I think you got what I mean. I just don’t think that my dad would be a suitable person to talk about lovey dovey stuffs or even about my personal stuffs. He’s a very annoying person.

I was helping her in the kitchen, preparing dinner :

“Is it possible to fall in love with or have a love relationship with two different people at the same time?”

“I guess it is possible”

“Why you say so?”

“I’m not an expert or somebody who have vast of experience in these sorts of thing but for me personally when it comes to loving somebody there can’t be only one answer to it. I mean why not possible? Okay, in some aspect people might see that it is wrong to do so but you can’t lie to yourself and tell yourself that you’re not feeling that. You got what I mean?”

“Not really, it’s wrong but you still can have it? I mean still can have that feeling is that what you mean?”

“Well, sort of. It is still love in a sense. Even a failed relationship is still considered love and same goes to the successful one just that it is a different kind of love. Love can’t be only one. That’s how I personally feel”

“Wah .. You talk like the angel of love la ma!”

She gave me a smile ..

“Look who’s talking”

“I will never talk to dad about something like this you know”

“I bet you won’t”

“He’s one of the most freaking annoying living creatures in this world. I wonder why you marry him in the first place. If I’m you, I would certainly not marry that kind of person”