Chocolate

Chocolate is not just a food; it is a religion. Specifically, there is the One True Chocolate--dark chocolate (the true faith). But there are dangers awaiting the unwary. Milk chocolate has true chocolate in it, but only in a diluted form that leads innocents away from the true faith (heresy). White chocolate just takes the name of chocolate, but is obviously not really chocolate (paganism). The real danger, though, is carob. It appears to be real chocolate, but upon tasting it, the truth is revealed and the taster's soul is corrupted beyond repair (satanism).

The best chocolates in the world are between 70% and 90% cacao. Any more than this and they become too bitter--and usually have an inferior texture as well. But to be perfect, a chocolate must be flavored with either chili pepper or sea salt, have a perfect texture, and be very dark.

The Perfect Chocolate

The best chocolate of any kind comes from Portland, Oregon: Woodblock Salt & Nibs (70%). It's made from scratch, starting with just the beans, has a fantastic texture, and has just the right amount of salt and cocoa nibs to give it an amazing flavor. They've got other types as well, but this is the best one. If you can find me a chocolate that I like more, I will give you $100 in cash.

The Best Chocolate

Must have at least a 2:1 ratio of cacao to sugar/flavorings in addition to truly great flavor and texture.

88% Dolfin Dark Chocolate (almost too dark, but still has an amazing texture)