lord give me the strength.

I’ve already decided on my first post-baby meal: pf changs bbq spare ribs and a giant, ice cold dirty martini with olives. because I like my booze to punch me in the face, and fruity sweet drinks just taste like juice for children and I don’t have time for that. this is the only item on my “cannot have” list that I’ve craved, a list that includes soft cheeses, cold cuts, sushi, and other equally delicious things.

when I was younger and more poor I taught myself how to make the perfect martini, because the bars in San Francisco like to charge $12 for them and anyways I prefer to drink alone, in my robe, with my cats. here we go:

a chilled martini glass

the best vodka you can afford, I like Stoli because its only medium expensive and doesn’t burn my nose hairs when I sniff it

dry vermouth

stuffed green olives

martini shaker filled with ice

pour a hefty pour of vodka into your shaker, I err on the side of “more” because you can always top off your glass later. add a splash of dry vermouth. add a tiny dash of olive juice. shake that up and let it sit for a second, so it can get really blendy and cold. strain and pour into your chilled glass, and garnish with between one and seven green olives.

drink this on a warm California evening with your feet in a pool. drink this on a first date with your future husband and really impress him with your sophistication (true story). drink this on your couch and watch Real Housewives (Vicki Gunvalson prefers hers with blue cheese-stuffed olives, btw).

or, you know..let me make you one and drink this at my house, so I can smell your mouth. September is FAR.