LIZ JONES: There are scarier things than Simon Cowell... ask a D-Day veteran

I wonder what the D-Day veterans think of Britain’s Got Talent. I imagine it’s: ‘We fought so you could watch this?’

The contestants were all nervous, giving it that mathematical impossibility, 110 per cent. Finalists in their early 20s – even teens – keeping up the mantra this is their last chance.

Do they not know success only comes after you have failed and failed and failed again? That there is more to being brave than running the gauntlet of Simon Cowell?

Cod operatic: Liz Jones was not impressed with live final winner Collabro

Dance group The Addict Initiative were dire. If you want a career in a leotard, study ballet for your entire life. Impressionist Jon Clegg fell flat because in Westminster it’s the people who got small.

I suppose the fact a trio of grumpy French men, namely Yanis Marshall, Arnaud and Medhi, dancing in high heels, made it through to the final proves Britain won’t fall to Ukip any time soon, but posh violinist Lettice – who said she has one chance left, bar I suppose inheriting wealth – placed a nail in her own coffin by singing. It was like Joyce Grenfell on Red Bull.

Mr Darcy, the impossibly handsome magician, performed the most dangerous stunt ever seen on British TV.

James Smith, 15, gave a curiously retro performance for all those girls at his school making post-modern heart shapes with their hands.

The Addict Initiative should take up ballet if they want to wear leotards

Posh violinist Lettice Rowbotham sank her own chances by deciding to sing

Jack Pack, four crooners, would have done more for me if they had shown off their six packs, and not asked for the £250,000 prize to raise their kids. They were like One Direction for women on a second spell of maternity leave.

Collabro, another all-male group, were cod operatic, as though John Barrowman had been cloned – a terrifying thought.

Classical singer Lucy Kay used her soprano voice to get her life back on track after being bullied as a child. Oh, get over it!

But her rendition of Nessun Dorma was lovely and she is very beautiful.

I was rooting for Paddy, the gyrating granny. How lovely to see an older woman not wringing her hands in a care home.

Only Amanda Holden had the good grace to bring up D-Day and say that Paddy epitomised the spirit of fighting Britain, that she is of a generation the likes of which we will never see again.

Bars And Melody, two street urchins who rap about bullying, are mere foetuses, but still peddled the platitude that being on the show has been ‘an incredible journey’.

So, who did I vote for? Paddy, of course. That Collabro triumphed is testament to the number of women home alone on a Saturday night – or sat next to a monosyllabic lump.