Thank You for Smoking

Thank You for Smoking is a 2006 comedy-drama film that is a satirical look at the machinations of Big Tobacco's chief spokesman, Nick Naylor, who spins on behalf of cigarettes while trying to remain a role model for his twelve-year-old son.

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After watching the footage of the Kent State shootings, Bobby Jay, then seventeen, signed up for the National Guard so that he too could shoot college students. But, the National Guard recruiter was out to lunch, so Bobby Jay ended up shooting Panamanians instead. Which was almost as good as college students, only they shoot back.

How many alcohol related deaths a year? 100,000? That's, what, 270 a day? Tragedy. How many firearms related deaths a year? 11,000? That comes out to a measly 30 a day!

I don't have an M.D. or Law degree. I have a bachelors in kicking ass and taking names.

I front an organization that kills 1,200 people a day.

The message Hollywood needs to send out is that smoking is cool. We can put the sex back into cigarettes.

The number 1 killer in America is cholesterol, and here comes Senator Finisterre who's clogging the nation's arteries with Vermont cheddar cheese.

These days, when someone smokes in the movies, they're either a psychopath … or a European.

Jeff Megall: [long pause] Probably. But, you know, it's an easy fix. One line of dialogue: "Thank God we created the, you know, whatever device." You ought to make a product to tie in with the movie, such as a new brand of cigarettes.

Nick Naylor: Sector Sixes?

Joey: What happens when you're wrong?

Nick Naylor: See, Joey, that's the beauty of argument. When you argue correctly, you're never wrong.

Nick Naylor: 25?! Usually when I buy 2 of something I get a discount. What's the extra 5 for?

Jeff Megall: Synergy. These are not stupid people, they got it right away. Pitt and Zeta-Jones lighting up after some cosmic fucking in the bubble suite's gonna sell a lot of cigarettes.

Nick Naylor: Well for that kind of money, my people will expect some very serious smoking. Can Brad blow smoke rings?

Jeff Megall: I don't have that information.

Nick Naylor: Well for 25 million, we'd want smoke rings.

Jeff Megall: Oh, one other thing. You'll be co-financing this picture with the Sultan of Glutan.

Nick Naylor: The Sultan of Glutan, the one that massacred and enslaved his own people? Aren't they calling him the Hitler of the South Pacific?

Jeff Megall: I can't speak to that. In all my dealings with him he's been a very reasonable and sensitive guy, he's fun, you'll like him. [his phone beeps] Oh, thats London calling, it's 7 am in the old empire.

Nick Naylor: Jeff, when do you sleep?

Jeff Megall: Sunday.

[Inside the elevator at Entertainment Global Offices (EGO)]

Jack: Do you hear that?

Nick Naylor: [pause] No.

Jack: Exactly!

[Nick Naylor and his son arguing about ice cream]

Joey: So, what happens when you're wrong?

Nick: Well, Joey, I'm never wrong.

Joey: But you can't always be right.

Nick: Well, if it's your job to be right, then you're never wrong.

Joey: But what if you are wrong?

Nick: Okay, let's say that you're defending chocolate and I'm defending vanilla. Now, if I were to say to you, "Vanilla's the best flavor ice cream", you'd say …?

Joey: "No, chocolate is."

Nick: Exactly. But you can't win that argument. So, I'll ask you: So you think chocolate is the end-all and be-all of ice cream, do you?

Joey: It's the best ice cream; I wouldn't order any other.

Nick: Oh. So it's all chocolate for you, is it?

Joey: Yes, chocolate is all I need.

Nick: Well, I need more than chocolate. And for that matter, I need more than vanilla. I believe that we need freedom and choice when it comes to our ice cream, and that, Joey Naylor, that is the definition of liberty.

Joey: But that's not what we're talking about.

Nick: Ah, but that's what I'm talking about.

Joey: But … you didn't prove that vanilla's the best.

Nick: I didn't have to. I proved that you're wrong, and if you're wrong, I'm right.

Joey: But you still didn't convince me.

Nick: Because I'm not after you. I'm after them.

Joey: You're The Sultan of Spin!

Nick: "The Sultan of Spin"?

Joey: Mom subscribes to Newsweek.

Joey: Why did you tell that reporter all your secrets?

Nick: You're too young to understand.

Joey: Mom says it's because you have dependency issues and it was all just a matter of time before you threw it all away on some tramp.

Nick: Well, that's one theory.

[Nick and Heather are introducing themselves to each other]

Heather Holloway: Heather Holloway.

Nick: Nick Naylor. Big Tobacco.

Heather Holloway: [holds up tape recorder] Is this kosher?

Nick: Only if I can call you Heather.

Heather Holloway: By all means. So, Mr. Naylor …

Nick: [interrupting] Nick.

Heather Holloway: Nick. Let's start with …

Nick: '82 Margaux.

Heather Holloway: Okay. Is it good?

Nick: "Good"? It'll make you believe in God.

Jack: Hey, Neil! Neil! I'm going to impale your mom on a spike and feed her dead body to my dog with syphilis!

Neil: Ha, you got me!

[Jack turns back to Joey and Nick, who both look confused.]

Jack: It's an inside joke.

Nick: What?

Bobby: I got a call from the paper.

Nick: Really? What did they want?

Bobby: They wanted the correct spelling of my name and job title.

Polly: You didn't tell her about us, did you?

Nick: Who? … Heather? No! … I mean, maybe in passing.

Polly: In passing.

Bobby: Oh God, he fucked her. I tried to warn you …

Polly: Hey, he didn't fuck her. You didn't fuck her, did you? … When?

Bobby: In passing.

Nick: Look, she's a really nice girl.

Bobby: Oh God, we're really fucked.

[All voice-overs reading the newspaper article]

Nick: Nick Naylor, the lead spokesman for big tobacco, would have you believe he thinks cigarettes are harmless, but really he's doing it for the mortgage.

Polly: The "M.O.D. Squad"—meaning, of course, "Merchants of Death"—is comprised of Polly Bailey, of the Moderation Council, and Bobby Jay Bliss, of the gun business's own advisory group, S.A.F.E.T.Y.

Bobby: As explained by Naylor, the sole purpose of their meetings is to compete for the highest death toll as they compare strategies on how to dupe the American people.

Jeff: The film, Message from Sector Six, would emphasize the sex appeal of cigarettes in a way that only floating, nude, copulating Hollywood stars could.

Lorne: This did not stop Nick from bribing the dying man with a suitcase of cash to keep quiet on the subject of his recent lung cancer diagnosis.

Jill: Nick's own son, Joey Naylor, seems to be being groomed for the job as he joins his father on the majority of his trips.

Nick: [on Bobby's dessert: a piece of apple pie topped with a slice of cheese and an American flag] That's disgusting.

Senator Lothridge: Mr. Naylor is not here to testify on the goings on of the Academy of Tobacco Studies. We're here to examine the possibility of a warning label on cigarettes. Now, Mr. Naylor, I have to ask you out of formality, do you believe that smoking cigarettes, over time, can lead to lung cancer and lead to other respiratory conditions such as emphysema.

Nick: Yes. In fact, I think you'd be hard pressed to find someone who really believes that cigarettes are not potentially harmful. I mean -- show of hands -- Who out here thinks that cigarettes aren't dangerous?

Senator Dupree: Mr. Naylor, there's no need for theatrics.

Nick: I'm sorry. I just don't see the point in a warning label for something people already know.

Senator Dupree: The warning symbol is a reminder, a reminder of the dangers of smoking cigarettes.

Nick: Well, if we want to remind people of danger why don't we slap a skull and crossbones on all Boeing airplanes, Senator Lothridge. And all Fords, Senator Dupree.

Senator Ortolan Finistirre: That is ridiculous. The death toll from airline and automobile accidents doesn't even skim the surface cigarettes. They don't even compare.

Nick: Oh, this from a Senator who calls Vermont home.

Senator Ortolan Finistirre: I don't follow you, Mr. Naylor.

Nick: Well, the real demonstrated #1 killer in America is cholesterol. And here comes Senator Finistirre whose fine state is, I regret to say, clogging the nation's arteries with Vermont cheddar cheese. If we want to talk numbers, how about the millions of people dying of heart attacks? Perhaps Vermont cheddar should come with a skull and crossbones.

Senator Ortolan Finistirre: That is lu-- The great state of Vermont will not apologize for its cheese!

Senator Lothridge: Mr. Naylor, we are here to discuss cigarettes -- not planes, not cars -- cigarettes. Now as we discussed earlier these warning labels are not for those who know but rather for those who don't know. What about the children?

Nick: Gentlemen, it's called education. It doesn't come off the side of a cigarette carton. It comes from our teachers, and more importantly our parents. It is the job of every parent to warn their children of all the dangers of the world, including cigarettes, so that one day when they get older they can choose for themselves. I look at my son who was kind enough to come with me today, and I can't help but think that I am responsible for his growth and his development. And I'm proud of that.

Senator Ortolan Finistirre: Well, having said that, would you condone him smoking?

Nick: Well, of course not. He's not 18. That would be illegal.

Senator Ortolan Finistirre: Yes, I've heard you deliver that line on 20/20, but enough dancing. What are you going to do when he turns 18? C'mon, Mr. Naylor. On his 18th birthday will you share a cigarette with him? Will you spend a lovely afternoon -- like one of your ludicrous cigarette advertisements? You seem to have to have a lot to say about how we should raise our children. What of your own? What are you going to do when he turns 18?

Nick: If he really wants a cigarette, I'll buy him his first pack.

[Ron has just arrived in Senator Finistirre's office. In the office, is pride awards for his state, Vermont's cheese.]

Ron Goode: You wanted to see me sir.

Senator Ortolan Finistirre: Have a seat, Ron.

[Ron sits down in a chair in front of a desk, facing Senator Finistirre.]

Senator Ortolan Finistirre: You see, Ron, I can't be everywhere I'm needed. That's why I send people like you to speak on my behalf. When you're there, you're not Ron Goode, a guy whom your friends probably like, you're Senator Finistirre's aide and your name really doesn't matter. So when Ron Goode acts like a complete asshole on the Joan Lunden Show, I'm being an asshole on the Joan Lunden Show.

Ron Goode: Senator, sir, he sprang on me like....

Senator Ortolan Finistirre: Where in the hell did you find cancer boy?

Ron Goode: He was supposed to be quite reliable the Pulminary Council was one of his references.

Senator Ortolan Finistirre: Fucking non-profits! When you're looking for a cancer kid, he should be hopeless. He should have trouble talking, he should have trouble breathing. He should be in a wheelchair, carrying a little goldfish in a Zip-lock bag, hopeless.