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March 24, 2011

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This week, the world lost the great Elizabeth Taylor. But since this is a comedy site, we will not really dive into the details. We will, however, laugh at the fact that the guy who wrote her obituary died nearly six years before her:

It's not shocking that newspapers ready the obituaries of notable figures well before their deaths. But c'mon, that's pretty great. And on top of that, odds are that he didn't write it on his deathbed. It's very possible Gussow wrote that in the 80s and it was just sitting in a folder on his desk, with a note that read:

I was bored and feeling somewhat morbid so I began fantasizing about what celebrities will die and how I'd honor them. Don't judge me. This is what I do. You knew that when you hired me to write obituaries. Jesus. Anyway, when I pass well before these folks, feel free to use pre-written obituaries as you please. K thanx bye.

So, in honor of Mel Gussow, it got us thinking about what other celebrities are newspapers anxiously waiting to be found floating in someone's pool.

Abe Vigoda

Obituary Probably Written: 1974

Will Probably Die: 2157

Ernest Borgnine

Obituary Probably Written: 1995, after it became known that he had no idea he was a featured player on the sitcom The Single Guy.

Will Probably Die: 2017. He can only hold on for so long.

Amy Winehouse

Obituary Probably Written: 2006, updated in 2007, updated in 2008, and so on and so forth.Will Probably Die: 2003. You can't possibly believe that's not a zombie.

Andy Rooney

Obituary Probably Written: 1998, but updated after every episode of "60 Minutes" to accommodate all the things he "doesn't understand."

Will Probably Die: 2014, upon which he'll say something like "Why are caskets so decorative? If you're inside them, who cares what they look like on the outside. I don't understand."

Mickey Rooney

"One of them's got to go."

-A newspaper employee who's sole job is "Rooney Watch"

Charlie Sheen

Obituary Probably Written: Three weeks ago

Will Probably Die: Two weeks ago during his UStream broadcast.

Robert Deniro/Al Pacino

Obituaries Probably Written: 1988, when smart editors realized that no matter what each does with the rest of their careers, they've got a two-for-one obituary they'll run for both.

Will Probably Die: One will die in 2024, the other in 2030. But in 2050, you'll never remember which was which.

William Shatner

Obituary Probably Written: 2011, when everyone just realized he's 80 years old and freaked out.