Got Your ACE Score?

There are 10 types of childhood trauma measured in the ACE Study. Five are personal — physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, physical neglect, and emotional neglect. Five are related to other family members: a parent who’s an alcoholic, a mother who’s a victim of domestic violence, a family member in jail, a family member diagnosed with a mental illness, and the disappearance of a parent through divorce, death or abandonment. Each type of trauma counts as one. So a person who’s been physically abused, with one alcoholic parent, and a mother who was beaten up has an ACE score of three.

There are, of course, many other types of childhood trauma — racism, bullying, watching a sibling being abused, losing a caregiver (grandmother, mother, grandfather, etc.), homelessness, surviving and recovering from a severe accident, witnessing a father being abused by a mother, witnessing a grandmother abusing a father, involvement with the foster care system, involvement with the juvenile justice system, etc. The ACE Study included only those 10 childhood traumas because those were mentioned as most common by a group of about 300 Kaiser members; those traumas were also well studied individually in the research literature.

The most important thing to remember is that the ACE score is meant as a guideline: If you experienced other types of toxic stress over months or years, then those would likely increase your risk of health consequences.

Prior to your 18th birthday:

Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often… Swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you? or Act in a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often… Push, grab, slap, or throw something at you? or Ever hit you so hard that you had marks or were injured?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

Did an adult or person at least 5 years older than you ever… Touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way? or Attempt or actually have oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with you?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

Did you often or very often feel that … No one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special? or Your family didn’t look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support each other?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

Did you often or very often feel that … You didn’t have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and had no one to protect you? or Your parents were too drunk or high to take care of you or take you to the doctor if you needed it?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

Were your parents ever separated or divorced?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

Was your mother or stepmother:
Often or very often pushed, grabbed, slapped, or had something thrown at her? or Sometimes, often, or very often kicked, bitten, hit with a fist, or hit with something hard? or Ever repeatedly hit over at least a few minutes or threatened with a gun or knife?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

Did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic, or who used street drugs?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

Was a household member depressed or mentally ill, or did a household member attempt suicide? No___If Yes, enter 1 __

The CDC’s Adverse Childhood Experiences Study (ACE Study) uncovered a stunning link between childhood trauma and the chronic diseases people develop as adults, as well as social and emotional problems. This includes heart disease, lung cancer, diabetes and many autoimmune diseases, as well as depression, violence, being a victim of violence, and suicide.

childhood trauma was very common, even in employed white middle-class, college-educated people with great health insurance;

there was a direct link between childhood trauma and adult onset of chronic disease, as well as depression, suicide, being violent and a victim of violence;

more types of trauma increased the risk of health, social and emotional problems.

people usually experience more than one type of trauma – rarely is it only sex abuse or only verbal abuse.

A whopping two thirds of the 17,000 people in the ACE Study had an ACE score of at least one — 87 percent of those had more than one. Thirty-six states and the District of Columbia have done their own ACE surveys; their results are similar to the CDC’s ACE Study.

The study’s researchers came up with an ACE score to explain a person’s risk for chronic disease. Think of it as a cholesterol score for childhood toxic stress. You get one point for each type of trauma. The higher your ACE score, the higher your risk of health and social problems. (Of course, other types of trauma exist that could contribute to an ACE score, so it is conceivable that people could have ACE scores higher than 10; however, the ACE Study measured only 10 types.)

(By the way, lest you think that the ACE Study was yet another involving inner-city poor people of color, take note: The study’s participants were 17,000 mostly white, middle and upper-middle class college-educated San Diegans with good jobs and great health care – they all belonged to the Kaiser Permanente health maintenance organization.)

Here are some specific graphic examples of how increasing ACE scores increase the risk of some diseases, social and emotional problems. All of these graphs come from “The relationship of adverse childhood experiences to adult health, well being, social function and health care”, a book chapter by Drs. Vincent Felitti and Robert Anda, co-founders of the ACE Study, in “The Hidden Epidemic: The Impact of Early Life Trauma on Health and Disease.”

When children are overloaded with stress hormones, they’re in flight, fright or freeze mode. They can’t learn in school. They often have difficulty trusting adults or developing healthy relationships with peers (i.e., they become loners). To relieve their anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, and/or inability to focus, they turn to easily available biochemical solutions — nicotine, alcohol, marijuana, methamphetamine — or activities in which they can escape their problems — high-risk sports, proliferation of sex partners, and work/over-achievement. (e.g. Nicotine reduces anger, increases focus and relieves depression. Alcohol relieves stress.)

Using drugs or overeating or engaging in risky behavior leads to consequences as a direct result of this behavior. For example, smoking can lead to COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) or lung cancer. Overeating can lead to obesity and diabetes. In addition, there is increasing research that shows that severe and chronic stress leads to bodily systems producing an inflammatory response that leads to disease.

In addition, toxic stress can be passed down from generation to generation. The field of epigenetics shows that we are born with a set of genes that can be turned on and off, depending on what’s happening in our environment. If a child grows up with an overload of toxic stress, their stress-response genes are likely to be activated so that they are easily triggered by stressful situations that don’t affect those who don’t grow up with toxic stress. They can pass that response onto their children.

Fortunately, brains and lives are somewhat plastic. Resilience research shows that the appropriate integration of resilience factors — such as asking for help, developing trusting relationships, forming a positive attitude, listening to feelings — can help people improve their lives.

For more information about ACEs science and how it’s being used, go to: ACEs Science 101.

What’s Your Resilience Score?

This questionnaire was developed by the early childhood service providers, pediatricians, psychologists, and health advocates of Southern Kennebec Healthy Start, Augusta, Maine, in 2006, and updated in February 2013. Two psychologists in the group, Mark Rains and Kate McClinn, came up with the 14 statements with editing suggestions by the other members of the group. The scoring system was modeled after the ACE Study questions. The content of the questions was based on a number of research studies from the literature over the past 40 years including that of Emmy Werner and others. Its purpose is limited to parenting education. It was not developed for research.

Rains wants everyone to know that the resilience questions are only meant to prompt reflection and conversation on experiences that may help protect most people (about three out of four) with four or more ACEs from developing negative outcomes. A secure early childhood is helpful, but not necessary. A higher number of positive experiences is not necessarily more protective. He regrets that the questions have taken on a life of their own and that people may have misinterpretted or misunderstood their experience of risk and resilience, based on the ACE or “Resilience” questionnaires. For more information, he suggests reading this article on ACEs Too High — Putting resilience and resilience surveys under the microscope.

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2,143 responses

My ACE score is 6. My resilience score 9.
I’m now 46. I have suffered depression 3 times in my life and Tried to kill myself twice when I was in my 20’s.
In the last 3.5 years I have suffered significant physical illness which almost killed me twice. I’ve lost 2 organs and part of another as a result. Countless operations and now medication dependent to stay alive. However I am very grateful to be alive and am embracing my latest rock bottom to really make permanent and fundamental changes to my life. I have already started. I’ve only just this morning started to read about ACE, so the start of a new path now, but one of life change rather than packing everything back up in a box again, storing it and continuing along the same cult de sac. Time to release and truly heal rather than the continuous fight…. thank you so much for these articles

I have a score of 9. I have a lot of health issues at the age of 26. I’ve had 2 colonoscopies because of digestive issues, 4 root canals and all of my teeth have fillings and one has been pulled. Migraines, body aches, and anxiety all the time. Random lumps that I’m getting checked out, chest pains. People I work with and friends are always saying “you’re too young to have these issues it’s all in your head” I think my ACE score can speak to why I’m having health issues. Mentally, I am always on edge, but I have been able to put myself through college and I now work at a Fortune 500 company and followed my dreams. My sister didn’t graduate high school, got pregnant as a teen and has addiction problems. I’d say these tests are very accurate in predicting the futures of the children who deal with major issues, it’s very sad. I’m glad I have a lot of resilience and was able to get out of it and live my own life..it sucks that I’ll be dealing with my childhood my whole life but thank god for other adults in my life or I’d probably be dead.

The ACE questionnaire gives a very sexist view of domestic violence. My mother was the aggressor and abuser in my household. The phrasing of the question that includes only a mother or stepmother being victimized invalidates the experience of many taking this test.

48 and just found out I’m not totally lost. Found C PTSD is my struggle, and having taken the tests (or surveys or whatever their called) I’m at 8 & 0. Seeing that….only messes with my mind more. I’m at a really…..feels to late.

I took both the ACE test and the resilience test. No surprises, I had a very high score on ACE and an almost zero score on the resilience test. I am the over achiever (working long past retirement, afraid of having nothing to do). I am a loner, divorced and gave up on relationships.I am a super health nut person. I’m stuck inside my head, inside a book and very self dependent. My son says I did a very good job raising him mainly alone. He is well educated and follows the same over achievers’s pattern as I. I was very afraid to use drugs and alcohol because I always felt that I had a tendency for dependency sine my father was addicted to both. It took me years of psychological help to feel that I was worthy. My greatest competition was my self. I can finally wear a size 8 and be good with that. I can finally laugh at my self and embrace my me. ruby, from south carolina.

I’d say the major milestones in my healing journey were 1. being introduced to the world of psychotherapy due to a suicidal attempt. Before that my parents/family blame me for all the unhappiness at home. 2. Moved away from home to go to college. I experienced how different other people outside of my family viewed me. 3. Realized my mother had many narcissistic and borderline personality disorders traits. 4. Cut off contact with my family. This was best decision I’ve made in my life-no close second. 5. Learned about ACE research studies. I’m in my mid 50’s. It took my whole life to find out ‘what’s wrong with me’ in large part because of the cultural (Chinese Confucius) iron grip of ‘parents can do no wrong’. “Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.” applies to family dynamics too. My first glimpse of hope came about as a result of my suicide attempt soon after immigrated to the US. I was interviewed by a social worker and referred to a community family therapist, who met my story with compassion and understanding, not accusation of betrayal. I hope US continues to strive to value facts, not wishful thinking.

So since my score is 8 where does that put me within the 4+ risk factoring? I know that a bad childhood made me believe that my first relationship then a 30+ marriage to a man consisting of constant mental/psychical abuse involving control, manipulation, kidnapping, rape, years of him having affairs and one night stands (which I did not have knowledge of until 25 years into marriage), along with mental and psychical abuse to his children was normal. This stopped when I learned of his sexually affairs which increased the abuse and cost him a prison sentence. He and my first child suffer from severe schizophrenia…. I am working towards my Master’s right now in criminology..

Identify, great first step. Learn techniques to think and behave more healthfully for you. Behavioral Dialetic Therapy (sp) is one way. Build skills to never be deceived or harassed.
Build a life worth living.

Boy do I know that feeling, Jacqueline. But I hope you can learn how to un-screw. It might be hard work, and there might still be dreadfully dark and impossibly desperate days, but it’s worth it once you start to see more light than dark. Wishing you a year of slow and gradual movement towards un-screwing up!

One 1 for sexual abuse. 11 out of 14 “definites” or “probables”. As an adult 12 out of 14. So why am I as screwed up as I am? Autism spectrum (high function Aspie though that’s no longer recognized) and traumatic brain injury at 15. Can’t really blame much on my childhood.

ITs not as if “a little trauma = a little screwed up”. The way in which that trauma was perceived by you at the time would have a massive impact. You may have lacked the skills or not have been taught the skills to capably deal with the knocks and challenges and as a result suffered greatly from things that would have little impact on people who did receive these skills. That one traumatic experience in your life may have been enough to wreak you, but a child that was strong and resilient could have gotten through it and more.

By the way, any brain injury is a huge setback for anyone so maybe that plays a bigger role than you think.

As I have learned through doing, head injuries themselves are traumatic events and they can do a lot to leave you not feeling right. I struggled over a year and a half after my last TBI (so many, because 8/3) before getting a good diagnosis from a neuropsychologist who has specialty in concussion. She connected me with a great neuro optician, med management, and finally picked up the complex trauma history. Don’t under estimate the power of a head injury; the deficits are super hard to see from the inside and also from the outside. To get the right care you need a load of self-advocacy and some luck. Have hope that there is opportunity for improvement with the right interventions.

My ACE score was 6, I didn’t see “death of a parent” listed in the ACE questions, so if I missed that, my ACE = 7. Resiliency was 7.

All things considered, I feel like I escaped from the dysfunction of my childhood as well as can be expected, and compared to others it could have been much worse. If only I had handled my marriage better, we’d still be in love instead of in a perpetual Cold War, remaining together because divorce would be cost both of us too much money. I do suffer prolonged bouts of depression, but I’m still physically well at 50.

It doesn’t have to. Toxic stress comes from a bunch of different ACEs: having a family member who’s incarcerated, living with a family member who has a mental illness, witnessing violence outside the home, experiencing racism, etc.

I agree, it can have a lasting impact upon children, my youngest brother has been severely hampered throughout life because he was unable to access proper bereavement counselling. But, the good thing is, you can always go back and sort out your feelings in your mind with a trusted counsellor [even if that person is a close friend].

Death of a child is absolutely an adverse childhood event, but it wasn’t one of the factors addressed in this research. This is probably due to not having sufficient participants who had lost a parent as a child, to adequately represent the population for statistical analysis, when considering the number of factors being analyzed. The more factors analyzed, the greater the population needs to be and the more precise the effect needs to be, to determine statistical significance. (Statistical analysis is complicated.)
I suspect death of a parent would be very traumatic, and greatly impact a child, and would be at least as adverse as some of the other factors listed, but I don’t know if their is research to support my position.

What about children who grow up with frequent medical intervention? My child has not been abused, but she had brain surgery as a toddler and has been in and out of the hospital her whole life. It is not like a little kid can necessarily understand that the person who is hurting them does so for a good reason. What research is being done on medical trauma in medically complex kids, especially those whose adverse medical experiences begin early in development?

My ACE score is 2, but my childhood was had repeated hospitalizations for sex organ deformities by doctors who treated me like a piece of meat; neighborhood with roving gangsters who wouldn’t think twice about getting me bloody; physical and mental abuse by religious school nutcases; and other fun times. But hey, my parents, though ignorant, only occasionally spanked me!

If this test is to be taken seriously, it needs 100 questions, not 10. And a serious examination of the effects of all kinds of institutional and other home-external environmental abuse, which is far more likely to occur below the middle classes. For too many of the upper classes, I’m convinced the only real environmental insults they can relate to concern parents.

Okay this is about the profoundly different world in which those who are genetically wired to provide basic concern for you not only fail you but traumatize you. This is about having no safe place or person to go and everyday is defined by how you can raise yourself, protect yourself (from sexual or psychological or physical abuse) or be an adult to save yourself from the nightmare around you. This is when your parents say this is for your good then terrorizes you and you’re told never to tell anyone.

No offense, but as a person with serious chronic health issues, they are a walk in the park compared to this stuff (and I was abused). The world cares about the sick little kid. They rarely turn the same caring eye toward the dirty little child whose mother didn’t care enough to clean them up. As a healthcare provider, I can tell you plenty of people work on the issue of child healthcare related trauma. Pediatric hospitals have pleasant floors, kids have items to soothe them and the last one I worked at had everything from xboxes to specially trained social workers and a host of other resources to help parents and their children cope and thrive despite the medical trauma.

No offense but that doesn’t happen when a child has mental illness compliments of their abusive parents. They wait in the ER for hours stuck with ER adult psych patients much of the time. People watch them 24/7 and often there are no toys, TVs, or child focused things. Just a cold, sterile room without a phone, an oversized gown with drunk patients nearby as they await a bed that’s two hours from their home. Wait times can be for several hours or even days.

I scored a 9 on the ACE and I think that’s sad because I remember thinking as a child in my very dysfunctional family that it would be better when I can leave and build my own life but it wasn’t. At 50 years old I am alone, I have autoimmune issues and I’m permanently pissed because it has ruined my whole entire life and I just don’t understand!

Hi Joey I am 49 now and I just heard about the ACE survey and I as well scored a 9 as well. I as well could not wait to leave my home and break the cycle once I had children. Huuummmm i actually did the same thing that my parents. I ended up losing my child however she was cared for by her grandparents. I as well suffer from a chronic disease. I actually have many disease that I inherited from my mother. The sad part is knowing that how they cared for me cause me to suffer from trauma and at times feel that they had ruin my life.

this is really depressing. ace score of 8 or 9–what do you score being held at gunpoint a couple of times and the gun fired near by onece?? and how do you scoreoccasional sibling mild sexual touching? and ,many attempts by .older siblings to expose me naked to strangers???

and a resilience score of 1 then and now. maybe zero then, depends on how you look at some issues. it’s amazing i have never been sucidal, don’t drink do drugs or nay crimes. but i have several chronic ailments.

I just learned about the ACE score in church yesterday from my pastor. I am grateful to be able to read about it, because my 10 year old grandson has had a difficult life and is acting out in school. He and his family lived with me until he was eight and left under unpleasant circumstances. I and our church and pastor were his security during those eight years and weren’t allowed to see him until recently. I see all of the effects of the study. Fortunately his mother is getting help from mental health for him. It tears my heart out to see his pain and hear him wishing he could stay with me.

Our school system needs to incorporate this test along with classes meant to deal this neglect and abuse if 87% of the population has an ACE score of 1 or higher. Our education system was developed 200 years ago, and hasn’t changed much at all. I don’t know how to pay taxes, take out a loan, manage a bank account, purchase a vehicle, vote, function as an adult, but most importantly… I don’t know how to take care of myself. Classes should be integrated into the school system where our children can actually learn crucial information that will help them grow into healthy adults. Looking at these test scores, it looks like many of our parents have failed us in ways that have drastically changed our lives and our ability to cope and function. The schools need to step in where the parents have failed in order to aid our children in learning the life skills to overcome and compensate for childhood trauma, neglect, and simply never being taught how to manage life in general.

I was sexually molested by a kid my age and I agree. it does not need to be older than you. This kid was a year older and it lasted about 6 years because I didn’t understand what was happening and my mother didn’t do anything about it. I have lasting issues from it. The person definitely does not need to be 5+ years older.

ACE score of 8, resiliency score of 5. My childhood made me fiercely independent with a hidden craving for a happy family. I really have no experience with healthy relationships so nothing has worked out the way I hoped. My stepfather molested me from 6 to 10 when I got my first period. My mother closed the door. They divorced within 6 months and after teenage years trying to find hope in physical relationships I got unhappily married at 20. He died at 24 leaving a pregnant girlfriend, I became pregnant and married a pallbearer. I’ve been divorced since 2009 and spent 7 months last year taking care of my mother at home with stage 4 metastasized breast cancer. I did the absolute best I could to be a caring, compassionate daughter but it still didn’t matter to her. I never could say I forgave her because she would never admit that her life wasn’t perfect. I tried to hold her hand as she was dying and she shook me off with the last of her strength. Things like that have made it very hard for me to keep reaching out to people but I do…hopefully one day I will find a hand that fits. I’ve raised my beautiful smart daughter in every way different…so even if I never manage anything else she understands and appreciates that I consider her the best thing I’ve ever done.

Amen to you. I too have tried to push forward and treat my own children the way I wish I had been treated. My past shall remain my past. Focus on what you have done that is positive and build from that. I applaud your courage.

Amy,
I understand your thoughts and feelings. I can relate. I understand the path that you’ve endured. I also know the strength that it took to stand strong, to raise your child in a better home situation, to still be able to show compassionate care towards someone who failed to show you the same.
You are amazing and strong ! I applaud you! ❤ Well done!

2 things:
Interesting that the question on sexual abuse doesn’t include people who weren’t actually touched. I may well have been touched, as I have big sections of time in my childhood in which my abuser (who lived with me) is just… Missing.

Be that as it may, he did a lot of damage verbally, emotionally, and with body language, much of it extremely sexual.

Triggers for childhood sex abuse

He leered at me; commented on my clothing in incredibly vulgar ways, “You shouldn’t wear that. Some man will come along and shove his meat in you” (I was ~13); would peek through my door or the bathroom door when I was changing; called me a whore, a slut, etc. on a regular basis for years; snuck up on me and my boyfriend making out, turfed bf out, then lectured me on how much of a slut I was for ~20 mins while holding my shirt and bra, so I was sitting there covering my breasts with my arms the whole time; made constant comments about me “fucking every guy in the neighbourhood” (actually lost my virginity at 18); etc. etc. Also abused my Mum in every way. Used to lie awake at night listening to her trying not to cry while he raped her.

Triggers over

It took me until the age of 41 to understand that all of that had really affected me. I still struggle to call it child sexual abuse, because others have experienced so much worse… Anyway.

There was a lot of other stuff going on too.

My response was to bury my head in school, work incredibly hard, and shut my feelings down completely. I got into one of the best universities in the world, got 2 degrees there (with really good grades), did really well at my job, etc. School/work was the only thing I felt good about – the rest of me was worthless – so I couldn’t ever fail at it. Never.

But I burned the candle at both ends. I took care of friends and family and lovers, but didn’t take care of myself. Sleep only happened when I literally couldn’t keep my eyes open. Stress levels, in and out of uni/work, were insane. I suffered from mental illnesses from a young age, and went to counselling, took meds, but regularly had severe depressive episodes, which cost me a few years of uni. I had all kinds of weird, abusive, coercive, stupid relationships, probably because I didn’t realise that a person or situation was dangerous. I was a difficult friend/lover, I’m sure.

I’ve had chronic pain since I was ~10 due to a genetic illness, but I never thought of it that way. I just pushed through it and ate ibuprofen like candy. I got sick all the time: colds, pneumonia, flu, Lyme Disease, an uncommon ear infection bacteria in my throat, strep over and over, gallbladder disease… I landed in the hospital multiple times, and each time the sickness, whatever it was, was worse. When I was 33, and insanely stressed out, I injured my back, had surgery, and developed chronic pain. I’ve been disabled now for a decade. All my hard work, time, effort and stress… and I’m disabled, unemployed and on benefits. The thing is, I did it to myself. I didn’t know what I was doing, but I still did it. I pushed myself so hard that finally, my body/mind said, “You haven’t been listening. We keep getting sick, having breakdowns, and you just keep going! You broke your ankle and 3 days later went on a field exercise in the Carribean! Walking through the jungle in a cast! Are you insane?!”(Yes). “OK, we’re going to do something permanent, this time, and you will finally STOP AND REST.” Yup. Sigh.

Dear Heather,
your childhood was a truly horrific one! Be aware that when you did this to yourself, you never had a choice, because you were conditioned to act this way, just to survive short term.
And the same is true for your parents – did they have any choices, regarding how their upbringings were? So I avoid the word ‘blame’, it’s rather a situation of ’cause and effect’. And the effects are gross.
Thanks for sharing your insights.
The 10 questions cover the most frequent abuses, and yours was a bit different. Only a limited number of questions can be managed in questionnaires like this.

Thanks, Erik. I didn’t have a clue how bad it was until I started telling my university bf a story from my teen years. I had no emotions about it (numb), but he actually stopped walking and gaped at me. Funny how we normalise things, isn’t it?

My Dad is a closed book, but his sister is very similar, and my grandparents were curiously emotionless. They all lived in London during WWII…
My Mum has been abandoned, abused and neglected over and over throughout her life. I understand her pain and forgive her, but it still hurts.
Stepdad… All I know is that he stopped talking to his parents long before they died, and his brother killed himself. Suggestive.

Ace 9, Res 7:
Although my abuse was every kind except sexual… our adult lives have played out so similarly I got goose bumps. I just crashed and burned in middle age even worse than in my 20’s, lost everything I’d since achieved and am right back on disability, it’s just 15 years later and now has a diagnosis of Complex PTSD.

After 40 years of hyperarousal my body has switched to hypoarousal for the first time ever to stop me … and I am lost in the woods with no supplies for this one. No clue who I am anymore, when I can’t run from my past like the Energizer Bunny of people-pleasing over-acheivement.

Wow, our lives have gone similarly! I’m sorry that you had to suffer through so much crap.
I seem to be switching between hyper- and hypo-arousal at the moment. Massive anxiety, hypervigilance, racing thoughts, insomnia for 50-65 hours (to the point that I was gently asked by a nurse if I had a meth problem 😜) , then crash to sleeping very deeply for days, lying around like a slug, unable to do much. I used to think hypo would be better, but oh no.

How are you now?
I had a bit of a revelation a couple of days ago. I’m still here. I’m not very functional, no, but I’m still here, despite everything. The only thing to take from that fact is that I’m incredibly resilient, seriously strong, and incredibly stubborn! You are too.

Heather! My name is Stephanie Lynn. I acknowledge your courage woman!!! I am so grateful for that powerful share.

You seem to be very aware now of what to do in order to find health and peace.

What you described IS sexual, emotional and physical abuse. And I can say that having experienced it myself. My story is a bit different.

I was abused by my biological Father for many years. Sexually assaulted (touched and penetrated), I was pushed, held against my will, forced, slapped, brainwashed/persuaded/lied to, drugged (crack to be precise)… The list goes on…

I am currently doing cognitive processing therapy. I am putting my effort and energy into rewiring my brain. I have a lot of wounds from childhood. I can remember being touched at age 2 approximately, the abuse stopped when I was 14 years old. I am now 32. I kept it all in for many years, I created a monster of myself. I was a bully at one point in my life, I hated myself most of the time, I did lots of drugs, I was in self destruct mode. I remember always saying that I would die young… I always thought that way, that my life had no meaning to it. My self esteem was almost gone and my will to live as well.

A lot has changed for me since those days. I have done a lot of meditation, energy healing, I did the Gratitude Program (super powerful retreat!! Totally recommend it), I pressed charges against my Father with the intention to get a full confession and for him to get the help he needs and not hurt another soul again (starting with himself) now I am doing this therapy for the first time at a Rape Treatment Center nearby… I am also creating a documentary about overcoming sexual trauma and the whole process I am currently putting myself through. I want to spend my life living joyfully, light-fully and compassionately. I want to remind the world that communication, connection, vulnerability and courage are right there for us to access when we want, all we have to do is look in that direction and begin framing our thoughts around them, then speaking up about whatever it is that ails us and experiencing the effect of it.

Your message is a big step towards healing. Thank you for that!
The reason I speak up is to heal. This way I also set an example. There is no reason to suffer in silence for years when it is so easy to speak and heal right away. So Thank you again and again for speaking up!

Hi Stephanie, thank you, and damn, your response is equally powerful. Thank you for making me feel less alone, for joining me in my vulnerability (eek!) and for validating what I went through.

Obviously your abuse needs no validation. God, your father, and your childhood…I’m so sorry you went through that. I’m constantly amazed by the horrific things that people do, especially to their own kids, but also by how many of us make it through. I wonder how many of us there are, who survived but lived for so long in silence? I couldn’t put it back in the box, now; could you?

“Self-destruct mode.” YES. I didn’t always realise it, but that was my modus operandus for much of my life. Still is, sometimes, although I’m getting better at self-compassion. I had some self-esteem, at times, although where it came from I’ll never know. No matter, I quickly ended up in situations that thoroughly squashed it again. The self-hatred never got squashed. Unfair. It has shrunk a lot the past few years.

I think you’re much further into recovery than I am, and I’m grateful for your example! I’ve been practising moving mindfulness, because meditating while still just doesn’t work for me. More later.

It’s like I have a part of myself that always knew it all, always loved me, and would send help if possible. If I were religious I suppose I’d call it God, but I think of it as a safe parent.

I am so sorry you went through all this pain Heather. I was molested by my father for fifteen years. All the illnesses, all the pain in my body my mind and my spirit were healed through my walk with Jesus. God is not the unloving person that we all hear about He is truly love at the greatest form. The devil comes to kill steal and destroy. In the norm its wasn’t possible for me to be who I am today, but through Jesus it was a miracle. I don’t know if I am offending you if so I don’t mean to I just know when hopelessness had a hold of me Jesus was the only one to bring complete healing. There are promises in the Bible and I would pray these out loud over myself. Those are Gods promises to use and he cant lie. Rest every as you talk to the King of Kings let his love cover and heal you. Let him tell you who he sees when he looks at you. You are his precious daughter and what is his is yours. I am praying right now that you will have the sweetest encounter with Gods love. I declare every promise you claim as yours will take hold of you life your body and your spirit. Im not religious I just love my Daddy God and I know he loves his daughter Heather.

For people who have four types of childhood adversity — an ACE score of 4 — alcoholism risk increases 700 percent; attempted suicide increases 1200 percent. Heart disease and cancer nearly double. People with high ACE scores have more marriages, more broken bones, more depression, more prescription drug use, more obesity.

ACE score 6 Resilience 8 – still the same today. I can see the effects and why I still have so much work to do on myself. The main obstacles to healing seem to be the people who caused much of the trauma are still around and behave in ways that either compound or trigger the trauma.

My ACEs is 8. If they changed one question to read, “should a family member be in jail?” and another to say, “addiction” and not just drugs and alcohol, my score would be a 10. There are so many criminals who do not get caught and so many other forms of addiction. My resilience score is 2. It is a miracle that I can walk and talk.

Hi, Arlene–I have an ACE score of 6. I tried all sorts of things for decades with very little result, until I did limbic system retraining, which is a treatment for PTSD. It was truly transformative. When we have high ACEs, our limbic (fight or flight) system gets triggered to stay in the “on” position, with wide-ranging effects on both mind and body. The retraining switches it back to the “off” position, so that it can finally function normally (i.e., only sounding the alarm when there is an immediate threat present in real time, instead of being hyper-vigilant all the time). You go to a seminar to learn the technique, and then practice it daily for 6-12 months (for me, it took about 10 months). Best effort I have ever expended in my life, I have to tell you. If interested, you can find more information at http://www.retrainingthebrain.com. All the best to you and others reading this. We’ve had a hard start in life, and deserve to have some relief, and some joy! The brain retraining really helped me a large measure of both, and I’m so grateful for it.

Hi,
I have an ACE score of 10, and a Resiliency score of 1. I was independent as a child. Everything else was Definitely not true. Most of my family who knew I was abused/neglected, etc. either turned a blind eye, or encouraged it. I was abused sexually, physically, emotionally, and psychologically. I was forced into human trafficking, and had to work as a prostitute, or a sex slave for older men. They would beat and threaten/attempt to kill me. I was homeless, and went to live with my father, he was on drugs. He left grease on the stove while I was sleep, and he left. The house caught fire. One of his girlfriends was walking towards the house and saw the fire. She had to pry open the back door. I have asthma and the smoke nearly killed me. I had to be hospitalized. So I went in foster care again. My first time I was 11. My mom burned me with cigarettes, locked me in a room with the dog, and whatever was closest in a fit of rage, she used it to hit me. She would drag me out of my room with the dog by my hair, into the garage and stomp on my ribs. Then left me there for days. If she ended up cutting me, she would force salt in the wound. I also developed my anorexia from her. I was only allowed to eat one slice of bread a day, whenever had to start going back to school because they were going to charge her. At that time I had a younger sister. My mom never beat her. Even though I was only 2 years older than her I raised her. My mom would change moods like we blink. It was a cycle, things would be tense for no reason, she just beat me because she wanted to. Then she would leave the house for days. When she came back she would bring candy, and stuff. She cried saying she wouldn’t hurt me again and to forgive her. But then she started to beat me until I couldn’t walk right for days. The last time was the day before I went into foster care. I had to practice walking right after. Those bruises cuts and burns took 11 months to stop hurting and fade. Her friend that lived with us raped me continuously and she threw me out after I told her. He wasn’t the only one, but it hurt a lot. I was pregnant with his child at 14 and she threw me out. So I became homeless again. I miscarried, and then she let me back in and tried to suffocate me with a plastic bag while I was sleep. Eventually I was removed and put back in foster care for the third time. I used to run when I was younger because my mom would try to kill me. Whenever she decided to feed me, she mixed sedative pills in my food, bleach in the water, held me at knife point, tried to suffocate me, held my head under water and banged my head if I held my breath. I was only allowed to take a shower when she used water she boiled or ice and cold water and I had to sit in the water or she would beat me extra. Rare luxury to take a shower, even if the water burned my skin or made the burns and cuts extremely painful. To this day, I take no less than an hour in the shower. I’ve had many boyfriends, all but two were abusive. Some came from the trafficking. I “serviced” as they called it, to men about three times my age at that time, (11) to men who could’ve been my great grandfather. I was sold to a man about fifty years old, and stayed with him, God knows how long. I mixed in sleeping pills with his alcohol when it was time to bring him dinner. Usually he wouldn’t give me any, but claimed a major headache. He gave me five. Wasn’t enough to kill him they weren’t that strong, just knocked him out long enough to find the key and leave. Then I moved foster homes. Domestic violence here, domestic violence there. Many suicide attempts, my drug use got bad, then had to move again. When I continued be raped and abused. I felt forgiveness didn’t do me any good if I continued to be hurt and broken again. Last time was about 3/4 months ago. Was suicidal since 7, been cutting since 6. So everytime something happened, it made me have a complete relapse in recovery. With the anorexia, the suicide attempts, and substance abuse. Was a junkie since 11, I witnessed my mother pop pills more than 5x daily whenever I was out the cage, either for a beating or to care for the siblings. She used xanax, triple c’s, percocets, molly, I think esctasy, and a couple others. Took them like candy. I was sent to a program for my suicide attempts and was required to do substance abuse treatment as well. Per court order. At that place I had two major suicide attempts. One I slit my wrist with glass until I could barely move, then looped a pair of headphones around my neck and pulled tight then tied a knot. They found me and sent me to a psych hospital. The second time I climbed to the highest point on this thing like a playground. I dropped the suicide note I wrote the night before under where I was going to jump from. No one was watching. I broke the string off my dress and tied the knot to where it gets tighter and hard to undo with weight. I was about 8 feet up. I put it around my neck and jumped. Then it got black and I started to suffocate. I could hear screaming. Someone climbed over me and fumbled to cut it for about 2 minutes. I went unconscious. When they cut it, the male staff under caught me. Then I went to the ER, then psych. I used to be really impulsive, but now I think more than I used to. Still struggle with it but definitely much, much better. Attempt suicide much less, so less hospitalizations. Still struggle with self-harm, but clean for a couple of months. Almost relapsed a couple of times. I dealt/deal with anorexia but I actually eat daily now. Clean from drugs a couple of months.

Jazzy,
Non of the suffering is your fault , God has kept you through all of this, I will Pray to God who knows you I In his eyes you are the most precious, Lift your eyes to him know he is sending an army to your side and I am one of them my name is Michael a friend sent to you from the spirit of God himself by his son Jesus. Call out to him he has heard your plea.

Aces= 10. Resilience= 14. Sometimes it can be so difficult to reconcile all the bad that happened simultaneously with all the good that provided me with resilience. Strange. I don’t know why I was the only one in my family or neighborhood to “get out” and create a wonderful life. Survivor’s guilt is a real thing, I can tell you.

ACE score of 6, resilience score of 3. I had a horrible, frightening, confusing childhood and I have rarely ever felt loved or cared about, certainly not by my family. My partner is kind but has Autism and doesn’t really understand why I need to be told that I’m valued and loved, although he knows all about my childhood. I have had a lot of near misses with alcohol, drugs, s3x work etc. and had two disastrous abusive marriages. I turned 40 this year and realised that my job in a caring profession was hollowing me out, so I quit. I don’t know who I am or what to do next…

I scored 6 on ACE and a 4 on Resilience. After reading everything this far I feel like I have truly beating the odds. I had a horrific, Terrible, scary childhood. I was a very depressed teen and I had very low self-esteem. At 15 I ended up pregnant. I was one of the lucky ones though, because I had an amazing man by my side. We have been Married for 17 years/together 20, and we have 6 boys. Yes life isn’t a bowl of peaches and cream. I have learned to work hard and fight for everything in life. I have made sure my kids will never go though what I went through. My scores me nothing to me as I have concord my deemons.

There were at least two questions which were not so black and white. Question 8: T here was care only if I received a deportment comment and a grade C or less. Question 13: I believe I exercised a independent personality, but I was not a high achiever as a child. Question 14: The idea is good but I never had control of my own life. It belonged to others.

4/0
Been lonley my entire life and has never had anyone caring about me, I´m 28 years old and began putting my foot down half a year ago. It´s been hard at especially working places people and bosses have been really nasty to me since I have a hard time creating boundaries. Luckily I´ve started to strengthening my upper body which has affected me and given me courage and strength to say no. I´m still lonley. I feel happier not having contact with my emotionally abusive mentally ill narcissistic egocentric father and my emotionally abandoning slightly manipulative never incouraging mother though. I really don´t care what happens to them. Really don´t. They took my fire away from me and won´t acnowledge that or apologize. They both are weak and misrerable.

Hi Neil, I am sorry you didn’t/don’t have the care you deserve. The more self-love you have the less the lonelies show up. At least this is what I practice and believe. I care enough to send you hugs. Peace, from your Childhood Trauma Buddy

So glad for the rest of my family, especially grandparents, for being my support group. Even with an ACE of 9, I ended up getting a PhD, marrying another PhD, and having a very healthy and loving relationship with my daughter.

There are, of course, many other types of childhood trauma — racism, bullying, watching a sibling being abused, losing a caregiver (grandmother, mother, grandfather, etc.), homelessness, surviving and recovering from a severe accident, witnessing a father being abused by a mother, witnessing a grandmother abusing a father, involvement with the foster care system, involvement with the juvenile justice system, etc. The ACE Study included only those 10 childhood traumas because those were mentioned as most common by a group of about 300 Kaiser members; those traumas were also well studied individually in the research literature.

The most important thing to remember is that the ACE score is meant as a guideline: If you experienced other types of toxic stress over months or years, then those would likely increase your risk of health consequences.

I scored a 10 on the test. My childhood was not fun. My mom struggled with addiction, in abusive relationships and suffered from untreated mental illness. Long story short, we were in and out of foster homes, homeless shelters and floors of family/friends/neighbors.
My 3 sisters and I went to live with an aunt and uncle who were well off (financially, emotionally and physically).
My mom as a child suffered from mental illness that no one talked about and was raped by a uncle that no one believed. She started using at a young age.
My two brothers stayed with my mom.
Now, years later. My mom is clean (has been for 6 years and lives with her sister and doing “ok.”)
She suffered from many illnesses, and is hard to be around, but is capable and strong. She is 57 years old.
Her kids:
Oldest son (39) has suffered from almost the same life as she did. In and out of rehab, off and on drugs, has overcome and then had many set backs. Can’t handle life if it gets too hard. He has 4 wonderful boys has been married twice and now for the past 2 years has struggled with Meth use. Is right now in a mental facility and is struggling to stay alive.
Myself (36) grew up in a loving home after being g taken out and got out in counseling right away. Joined the church and had that as a foundation for my whole life. Married a farmer and has 4 kids. I struggle with a lot of chronic pain, anxiety and shame. Had an eating disorder for 10 years and stilll struggle with weight and body image. I’m married to a loving husband, his family is amanzingly functional, does everything together and literally has no one that is remotely crazy, struggles with drugs, drinks, smokes–nothing!! They are just really freaking great. My husband and I have been married for 12 years.
My twin (36) is a terrible person. Beats his wife and kids. They both do drugs. He’s scary and doesn’t talk. He suffers also from a lot of chronic pain, is mean, controlling and probably has untreated mental illness. He’s been married since he was 17.
Younger sister (34) has been married 3 times. Is married to a man who hits her, but she medicated him in a smoothie that he doesn’t know about and I guess the abuse isn’t as much. She has two kids. She is a guidance counselor. Is crazy (to my standard), but has made it. Suffers from a lot of pain, has anxiety, panic attacks, headaches, and anything else she diagnoses herself with.
Youngest sibling (31) has two boys, married to a man in the service. Does well, is a teacher and loves her boys. She doesn’t acknowledge my mom or her dad (he kidnapped her when she was a baby). She doesn’t talk about our childhood at all. Is over and done with and to her she doesn’t need to rehash the past.
She’s driven and has overcome a lot, but has no feelings, she loves her boys but shows not a lot of emotion, but loves them and you can tell she’s proud.

It took a long time to come to a place where I am and I’m so thankful I am the person I am today. I love my mom and the strong person she is. I hated my childhood, but gave me those life experiences to help others and tell a greater story on mental illness and all that it does and who it affects and I’m not ashamed anymore of the person I’ve become.
Just thought I’d share on my life, to maybe give some hope to someone? So many things happened to me and my siblings, but also to my mom.

This quiz and score are accurate for me. How many circumstances happened to me in my life growing up. Today I can honestly say these events occurred when I was younger I got passed them, and I’m a better person after getting professional help.

As a survivor of 8 Aces, my heart goes out for all who have these Aces, experiencing such turmoil to sort through life. These podcasts of Trauma Unpacked are a start to help those of us who never knew there were other ways to think and do life:

ACE score is 8 and Resiliency is 6. I identify with most everything said. As a senior now, I have struggled with anxiety, depression, food addiction, alcoholism, sex addiction, teen pregnancy, and high stress/sleep disorder. About the only thing I haven’t experienced is smoking and opioid addiction. I was also bullied mercilessly in middle school and never told anyone. I would categorize my entire life as being engulfed with guilt, shame and never feeling good enough. I have been somewhat successful professionally but recognize all the ways I derailed myself – I could have accomplished so much more, given my intellect but I lacked a drive or belief in myself and am a perfectionist, which is a character flaw in itself. I was too emotionally vulnerable and didn’t make friends easily. I’m surprised bullying isn’t one of the factors in the ACE survey, because I’ve seen how destructive that is to the psyche and self-esteem. I think being bullied had the biggest impact on the shame I grew up with. Despite a reasonable score on resiliency, I certainly haven’t coped well in life, being emotionally reactive and overly sensitive, struggling with these addictions and demons of not being good enough. This program seems promising and am glad this study has been done. I cannot tell you the # of times I’ve heard that being happy is a choice and I just need to let go of the past and focus on the present, count my blessings. I am blessed in many ways but letting go of the past – both in terms of what happened to me and the self destructive behaviors I engaged in, well it’s an area I have a long way to go even now that I’m in my 60’s.

Thank you for sharing your experience. You are very brave. Continue to dwell on the positive things in your life. You are valued and important! Your experiences can help young people who are experiencing similartraumas. I teach and find it rewarding to work with young people..Take care!

Hi Emily,
My ACE score is 8 and I haven’t taken the resiliency test yet, because I’m too overwhelmed. I have NEVER felt wanted or NEVER felt safe.
You talked about how being bullied has been the biggest impact on the shame you grew up with. I know being bullied was my leap downward into a cycle of shame and of not being good enough EVER which continues to this day at 62 years old.
Letting go of my past of pain that is merged into my soul; will always be with me as I work towards doing the best I can in life.

Thanks for sharing your experience, you sound like a very sweet person. Some people have to carry more load and it just isn’t fair.

And no one can just ‘let go’ of the past, as it leaves many traces and scars and shapes who you are. So I respect you a lot for searching for ways to feel better!

One thing I would want to advise you is to always try to be as nice to yourself as you want to be to others, take care of your needs, watch them carefully, and forbid yourself to be hard on yourself. It sounds easy, but maybe you could feel a little better about yourself. I think you deserve being well taken care of!

Acaravello, your post made me so sad. Please know that you are a valuable and lovely human and nothing that has happened to you in your past can take away your worth. I hope you can find someone to talk to, and find the strength to find hope in your future. You deserve happiness!

Aces 7 resilience 6
I still struggle with feelings of being an outsider and not good enough to join groups etc
I take small doses of anti depressants and I think I will forever
My marriage just about survives as long as we don’t have too much stress
I’m just thankful that despite having had a fairly awful childhood , thanks to grammar school and having had a good job I fought my way up the social ladder at least

My ACEs score was 9 and my resilience score was 8. I agree with this article completely and I’m happy to say I have overcome a lot and lucky never gave into alcohol or drug use but had lots of struggles along the way.

hello. i just turned twenty in may and i have a score of 8 and a resilience score of 2. the two ones were, people took care of me when i was a baby, and people played with me when i was an infant. my family doesn’t know what they did to me. they were extreme opiate addicts and i never got to leave. i’m very skilled at handling my mental health, but i can’t work. i might need to go on disability soon. my brothers aren’t as bad as i am. my family will never know what ive seen. thank you for reading this

hi!! ive been in therapy for 2 years. when i discovered what the ACE score was, i was bewildered, hurt, shocked. to have EIGHT… and they didn’t even take a look at the test subjects who scored eight!!!! i feel like i’m in the seventh circle of hell compared to the lower scores. i feel like i could die when i’m 50. it’s nuts. anyone else with a score of 8/10 want to weigh in ??

I have seven. I was surprised, but relieved. It explained so much of my life, and it helped me accelerate my own healing. If you start changing your life to support and facilitate your health, it can help extend your life. Donna Jackson Nakazawa’s book, Childhood Disrupted: How your Biography Becomes Your Biology and How You Can Heal is very useful.

I don’t know you, or what your life is like. I never would unless I walked in your shoes. However, I just want you to know that I (a complete stranger) read this, and I thought “I hope this woman is having a good night.” Sending good vibes.

“and they didn’t even take a look at the test subjects who scored eight!!!! […] anyone else with a score of 8/10 want to weigh in ??”

I got a 10/10. Like you found myself frustrated that they don’t look at anything past a 4. As bad as they describe the effects of a 4, and then just drop it from there; it almost feels like they are implying that if you got worse than that, you are so far beyond hope it’s not worth the resources or effort of researching.

My wife, like you got an 8/10. Fortunately we are leading reasonably normal lives. Our kids are pinging about a 1/10, and with just a little luck and effort their kids will tag a 0/10, which (while I find it nearly impossible to believe) is what i’m led to believe most people score.

I’m not sure what you mean that they didn’t take a look at the test subjects who scored eight. Because of this study, Kaiser Permanente preventive health division, which most Kaiser patients participated in at that time, screened all patients for ACEs (more than 400,000 people) and talked with all of them about their ACEs, no matter how many they had. Unfortunately, Kaiser closed the preventive health division and forgot about ACEs until just the last couple of years. Now there are several pediatric clinics that are screening for ACEs, and one clinic that’s screening adults for ACEs.

Jane,
While I can’t speak for Kirstie, at least my perception of “and they didn’t even take a look at the test subjects who scored eight!!!!” stems from how little data is displayed for higher scores. Of the 12 charts on this page, only 3 mention 5, and of those 3, only 1 mentions 6 specifically. scores of 7-10 are simply left in the “+” or “>” indicators, but not actually spelled out.

Other articles I’ve looked at also pretty much all stop at describing the specific effects at 4. Those combined effects imply you are basically guaranteed to be a nonfunctional wreck, and it’s a bloody miracle if you are a functional adult if you hit 4.

look at the charts on this page.
If you get 4, you have just a 0.16% chance to escape all of the described effects. To reiterate, they are pretty horrible to one degree or another: be an alcoholic, suffer chronic depression, be on antidepressants, be a domestic abuser, have liver disease, be a smoker, be raped, be suicidal, be a sexually active teen, be an absentee worker, have serious job performance issues, serious financial problems, or COPD.

Presumably your chances are even worse if you score higher than a 4. From one of the few charts that does hit a 5, it looks like at that score you have a 0% chance to escape all of the effects, as it says that at a 5, 100% of tested people are prescribed antidepressants. I, for one, would like to know what the stats are for people like me that pegged a “perfect” score on this test.

I have to wonder how many others have similar attitudes to things like me that are probably unhealthy, but just are a part of who we are. As an anecdotal example of what I mean. A co-worker found out that her husband grew up in the same neighborhood as I did, at around the same time as I did, when my response to talking about getting stabbed was the same as his. “Meh, it was a Wednesday.” And like his stories, the getting stabbed wasn’t even the point, or the interesting part of the story. These charts don’t talk abut the likelihood of other violent incidents, although other articles I’ve seen did. They were equally bleak statistics.

It’s mentioned in comments that scores “4 and higher” mean even worse outcomes for the victims. This is a conclusion regarding a very large sample. It is not a tool for giving a diagnosis or recommending a treatment for a particular patient.

I have a 8 on ace text I am 57 now and have had a very happy life over all I struggle with some of the stuff. Had a loving hubby who also had a 6 on the ace text no bed of rose. be happy. have hope it will heip

I have a problem with Question #5 when it asks if someone “at least 5 years older” molested you. What’s the relevance of that? Why not 4 or 3 years? What if the person was the same age but was bigger and stronger? Rape is rape and I think it should be considered an Adverse Childhood Experience regardless of the rapist’s age. Someone please enlighten me if I’m misunderstanding something here.

Other than the aforementioned issue, I respect the research done on the concept of ACEs. This has the potential to be truly groundbreaking in solving problems related to mental and physical health. It was interesting hearing Nadine Burke Harris’ lecture on TED, and I look forward to seeing additional findings on the subject. I’m especially interested in seeing more mention of studies separating “risk behaviors” and causal genetic factors for behaviors and health disparities.

This has article has shed a new light on several of the issues I have in my life. Looking back, I somewhat understand more and more how I got to my current situation. But since other people who’ve experienced the same as me don’t have the same struggles, I can’t use my experiences as an excuse for failure. I’m just hoping I can get everything together.
ACE: 4-5. Resilience: 7.

I agree that any sexual assault should be counted, but I would have to say the reason for the age difference specification is because as children, we expect people who are older to be a force of guidence and potentially protection. When that concept is violated, it goes past just the powerlessness and pain of the assault and can cause one to question everything they know about trust and security.

Ah. Well thank you Maddie and Sheri for the good answers. I’m still not quite seeing the relevance of the 5 year limit because it’s still possible for a child to look up to someone with influence less than 5 years older. And even if the offender(s) are the same age, I think that’s still an “adverse childhood experience” by definition. But thanks to you both, I may have a better idea where they were going with that particular question.

To be fair, they were probably trying to separate the more innocent sexual curiosity that typically happens between people in the same age range, but the creators of this test weren’t thinking that it doesn’t always work that way. I think it should just be framed as anyone being able to assert any control over you.

Hi Tony. I had the same thought. I completely agree that the casual “at least five years older” indicates that the researchers believed children closer in age could somehow not abuse one another. To me, it points to the lack of compassion/understanding EVEN these researchers have about how children are affected by trauma. Think of a 15 year old boy “curiously” sexually experimenting with a 12 or 13 year old girl. Is there anyone out there who thinks that wouldn’t be traumatic? Or a 10 year old with a 6 year old? C’mon. I’m afraid that type of abuse is so prevalent that even the researchers have to throw it out as being baseline. I’d like to work on changing that belief.

Thank you for your tests and all of the informations.
I’m glad that we’ve got soooo may self-help tools, such as EFT tapping, TAT, Matrix Energetics, Healing Code, Advanced Clearing Energetics (ACE), ZPoint,… to release the emotions and pain, that are connected to the stuff that happend to us when we were children.
The knowledge of the 5bN and META Health helps us understand: why are we sick?
There’s lots of work to be done. These informations have to be spread.
But hopefully this will be mainstream one day.

My ACE score 9 (or maybe 10 — I would like to think that my mother had mental illness but I have no idea that she was ever diagnosed). My resilience score is 6. I was able to take the high-achiever route for coping and today I pass well as coming from just your average background in my professional spheres. I also had access to some intermittent counseling as a child and in my late 20s/early 30s started intensive CBT with a remarkable therapist, and continued it for six years. The insights here are very helpful and I plan to share them with my doctors as a screening tool. I have asthma, all the environmental allergies, and issues with chronic inflammation, which I attribute to a food intolerance or allergies (am about to start a special inflammation reducing diet) but am otherwise in good health. Knowing that I am at increased risk (and therefore screening conservatively for conditions) could help maintain a good quality of life for me as I continue to age. I really appreciate this work and your efforts to publicize the work. Thank you!

I’m glad I have an opp to leave a reply. I have taken the ACE quiz many times. It’s always the same. I score a 7 out of 10. Today, I learned about the resiliency score. I scored a 9 out of 14. Some answers I am just not sure about. I also scored 9 out of 14 that are probably still true, although some of those were negative still trues so I don’t know what to think about that.
I have dealt with childhood sexual abuse, molestation (some with a cousin), physical abuse, emotional abuse, my mom went to jail once. I don’t know how long she was gone. I lived with my uncle during that time. My mom moved me all around the west coast and Texas, sometimes I didn’t live with her, sometimes I didn’t want to live with her. For the past 13 years she has ignored my pleas to reconnect, (there was a mistake made on my part and she never forgave me). Now she’s passed on and I’ll never know if she still loved me. I hope that she did and was just mad.

I have spent my life making adjustments to my life. Making conditions, trying to make things acceptable. I have diabetes, high blood pressure, depression, anxiety, and I’m very overweight. I smoked most of my adolescent and adult life, but have been able to quit (7 years) and have no intention of going back to smoking EVER.

I don’t know why it’s important to say this, probably becvause I can’t tell my therapist everything. I gloss things over. I make it less important. I justify things. That’s how I survived my childhood. I found a way to get through the trauma by justifying what happened. Go figure. Now, I need to stop doing that and live my life. I gotta say though, I’m doing much better. I’m going for my master’s in social work and doing well!

I just ran across this and I do think my problems could be related. I was kidnapped at 18 months old from my abusive alcohol biological father by my mother to get me away from him. After that we lived with my grandparents. I got the belt and a few other punishments but for the most part I know they loved me. When I was five my mother remarried to my molester. Once again we fled with just the clothes on our backs back to my grandparents. I was diagnosed with dyslexia at 6 years old. Was bullied in school. Chubby. Grades weren’t good, I hated school. When I was ten my my mother remarried and things were tumultuous because my grandparents didn’t like my step-dad so there were quite a few incidents. We moved to Illinois shorty after I turned 11/12 and we had a car with no heater and ate generic Mac and cheese. Once again, I hated school. I never felt good enough, low self-esteem. After a year there we moved to San Diego in a bad part of town. In junior high I was beaten up by five people after school. Propositioned by many men as I walked home eight blocks. Numerous accidents by our apt. That I called 911 for, car accidents, fires, etc. it was a horrible experience. My step father was starting to try to get sexual with me and my mom tried to OD because of it. I dropped out of school at 15 and hid in our apt for a year. Married an alcoholic when I was 17. Just recently my same step-dad passed away, my mom is ill and lives in northern Illinois as I live in Florida. The car trip was awful, my daughter broke her ankle while we were on the road and by the time we returned my stomach hurt so bad I was transported the next day to the ER. They found nothing but I was crying, shaking, depressed, diarrhea, etc. act scan and fecal tests were negative. I lost 20 pounds in one month. Since then I’ve changed to a healthy diet, exercise almost everyday, my mind runs scared with What-ifs, I find it hard to function or interact with people. Still having stomach aches and intestines problems so will be having a colonoscopy and a down the throat procedure done in a week. I’m scared to eat anything because I don’t know if food is related or not but it seems that I’m more suffering from mental/gut issues having read this story. My scores were 4 and 8.

Yes your mental status can definitely impact your physical body/being. Its seems you are possibly carrying your past hurts and stressors in your stomach as a manifestation. I would ask that you somehow seek help to get a deeper understanding of how your past trauma is showing up today in your everyday life, because you don’t want your daughter to possibly have the lasting legacy of generational trauma..

Ace score of 9
Resilience score 11, looking fully at present circumstances resilience score is now 14.
Diagnoses are Complex- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), Alcoholism, and Stage 4 Endometriosis (Endo). Treatments are years of Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), a whole lot of spirituality of my own design, and Complete Deep Excision surgery with a doctor who has specialized their practice in Endo. Also for Endo having a women’s health physiotherapist who has researched and understands Endo, providing Pelvic Floor physiotherapy. Some of the other treatment methods I have found effective as part of my growth in healing/resilience includes massage therapy, some talk therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy in group, emotional regulation therapy in group, and a whole wide array of physical activities and different forms of meditation practice. Social activities are important too, however I have learned to be very slow moving when it comes to new relationships of any kind. One example of this is I used to make the mistake of moving in with a partner weeks or months into the relationship, and now I wait years. I now find I enjoy my own company best. Also for my own personal comfort, when it comes to the professionals involved in my care I seek out females whenever possible. Ultimately I am the one who keeps me safe today. I have left a lot of abusive people behind. I know today that by not allowing people like that into my life is the number 1 thing in breaking the cycle of abuse that was my past. ❤

May I also suggest some art therapy? I’m an art therapist. It can be a very powerful tool in overcoming trauma. It’s processed based so you can really learn to “paint from the gut” and learn to trust your instincts again. I wish you well. You can contact the American Art Therapy Association to find a local provider near you.

I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD
My childhood was chaotic, abusive and terrifying.
I’ve managed to pull through and finally have a successful marriage (27 years and still going)
and have given birth to 3 children (now adults)
I always knew I desperately needed therapy so now at the age of 57, I have been in weekly therapy for a year and a half.
I’ve got a very long way to go before I trust anyone outside my immediate family.
I do, however, have hope!
Find a therapist you can trust! It is life changing!

My earliest memories were of different foster homes abusing me. Then around 4-5 being reunited with my abusive alcoholic father. Mother was not present, ever. Within a few years, I noticed my older brother of 8 years being beaten. I fell line shortly after for the next 15+years. I’m 37 now, my father passed 9years ago at age 60. My mother attempted to save me from the trauma, but gave up to easy. Then the state stepped in and worked their magic. My Ace was 9, minus the sexual abuse. I have developed a ritualized compulsive comfort seeking IV meth. I just recently learned of the 4600% likelihood of (IDU) it’s the only way to block everything out, and for a short time I feel nothing. Only now have a begin to talk with Mom on the phone. What a wonderful world it is.

My ACE was 6 and resilience was 14. I am the product of a deliberate teen pregnancy. My mother wanted to drop out of school in the 10th grade. The only way her father would allow it was if she got pregnant. She basically seduced my dad so she would get pregnant. My dad’s family refused to believe that I was his child because my mother was also known to be with my dad’s cousin.

I’m 62 and don’t know for sure who my dad was. Based on my looks at birth dad’s family said I was his child. My parents married three months before I was born. I was told they married a year before my birth and it wasn’t until I needed my birth certificate to get a driver’s permit that I learned the truth. At the time of my birth my mother was 16 and dad was 18.

My dad was diagnosed with MS when he was 19. Throughout my early years my parents were apart because dad would leave the coal mining area of VA where we lived to find better work. Mother wouldn’t wait for him to find a job and proper housing so we could come with him. She would leave me with her parents and follow him. The first five years I lived more with my maternal grandparents than I did with my parents. I have a sister who is 22 months younger than me. There have always been jokes about who her dad is because she looks nothing like me or our younger sister. She has a dark complexion and brown eyes. The younger sister and I are fair skinned and blue eyed, like our dad. I have wondered if my sister has the same father.

My earliest memory is of being about three years old. My parents both worked and my sister and I were left in our two room apartment alone all day. There was a neighbor who was supposed to be watching us but all she did was bring us soup and crackers and water for lunch and leave. I would eat the crackers and feed the soup to my sister because she was the baby and needed to eat. I remember one day we got bored and took the ketchup and mustard, they were in squirt bottles, out hof the fridge and squirted it all over the walls. When my parents came home I was beaten and made to clean it all up. One day my maternal grandfather came unannounced to check up on us and when he found us alone, he packed us up and took us back to VA. I’ve been told this happened more than once but that is the only time I can remember.

There was never any doubt that my dad loved me. He would do whatever he had to so that we had what we needed. He played with us and gave us lots of hugs and cuddles. I never felt love from my mother. I always felt like the redheaded stepchild with her. It wasn’t until I learned the truth about my birth that it all made sense. Growing up I was always the reason she couldn’t do what she wanted or have what she wanted. When she wanted to drop out of school she didn’t think about the responsibilities motherhood would bring. I was regularly slapped, hit beaten with belts or whatever she could get her hands on. Dad often stepped in and tried to get her to stop but she wouldn’t. As I got older I was given more chores to do. At eight years old I was expected to have dinner started by the time my parents got home. At 10 I had to have the dinner cooked and ready to put on the table the minute my parents walked in. After dinner I was usually given the chore of washing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen. The middle sister would have to dry the dishes and put them away. My sister and I were also responsible for doing the laundry and hanging it on the line regardless of how cold it was even though we had a dryer in the house.

The youngest sister was eight years my junior. From the time she came home from the hospital I was her basic caretaker. Her crib was in my room and I was the one that got up during the night to take care of her. Mother would do some of the daily care but the nights were my responsibility. Actually that sounds pretty fitting since at three I was taking care of my other sister. The baby became my shadow and looked to me for comfort.

Mother never wanted to spend any money on us kids. At age six I got strep throat but she didn’t take me to the doctor until it had progressed to rheumatic fever. One year at Easter we were scheduled to go to my paternal grandparents’ home but my middle sister got sick. She was running a fever, vomiting, couldn’t even keep water down and mother insisted that she was faking so she could get out of going to our grandparents. I knew she wasn’t faking and I tried for hours to convince mother that she was very sick. My sister was about 10 at the time. Dad even tried to get mother to take her to the hospital. Finally, I decided to take matters into my own hands and told mother that if she didn’t put her in the car and go to the hospital I was calling an ambulance to come get her. We all loaded into the car and went to the ER. When my sister was examined it was determined that it was her appendix and emergency surgery was needed. After the surgery, the doctor said that had we waited a little longer to get her there the appendix would have ruptured and she probably would have died. It didn’t phase my mother and she let me know that she didn’t appreciate the fact that I had been telling her all along to get help for my sister. These type occurrences were normal growing up. I do believe that there were no more cases as severe as this but still serious.

I was never taken to a dentist because my teeth looked good and looked nice and straight. I had sucked my thumb until I was seven years old. Looks could be deceiving. I actually had an overbite that got worse as I got older. My sisters were both taken to the dentist and the orthodontist. I had severe migraines and painful knees and legs and although it was mentioned to the doctor no additional treatment was given.

At the age of 13 I was smoking cigarettes and secretly meeting a boy three years my senior. He introduced me to the hippie lifestyle. I was soon smoking pot and drinking. I was good at hiding what I did and was able to make my mother think I was a perfect angel. It wasn’t long and I was sexually active without using any protection. I was told I couldn’t date until I was 16. So to make my mother think I was a goody two shoes I started seeing a guy was was probably one of the biggest nerds on campus. He could come pick me up in his car but we had to be home before dark. He theory there was that after dark is when you can get into trouble. Little did she know that I was already doing all the things she was trying to prevent.

At 15 I was informed by mother that I would have to have a job at 16. I would then start paying room and board of $25 a week. I was also responsible for all my clothes and school expenses. Basically she told me that she was not going to spend one more cent on me once I reached 16. I asked her what would happen if I couldn’t find a job and she said I would have to drop out of school because she wouldn’t pay for it. Until then I had always been told that I had no choice but to finish my education. Her abuse and neglect continued until I was 17 and ended up pregnant by my then boyfriend. I left home in the middle of the night and went to his house. The next day I called to let her know why I left. I was afraid she would beat me to death if I told her in person. She insisted that we get married. I was totally against it as was his mother. I had a “shotgun” wedding. I didn’t return home. A couple of months later I miscarried. I was furious! Of course the marriage didn’t last. Four months into the marriage I moved out and in with a girlfriend. I went back home for a couple of months long enough to save up some money to get my own place. At 17 I had my own apartment and lived on my own. First time in my life I was truly happy.

I eventually got divorced and remarried and had two fabulous sons. I totally distanced myself from my mother when she divorced my father and took everything but the clothes on his back. He was totally disabled and not able to care for himself but she left him all alone. She moved in with my dad’s best friend who she had been seeing for a number of years. He left his wife to live with my mother. His daughters disowned him as well. I tried years later to mend fences because I had two sons that didn’t know their grandmother. I should have left it alone. She had little or nothing to do with my boys. She would be in the town we lived in and not even call or stop by to see them. Still the redheaded stepchild I had always been.

I have always felt unwanted. When mother died almost eight years ago I didn’t really feel a loss because that relationship had been lost many years before. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia 14 years ago. I also have degenerative disc disease, IBS, osteopenia, mild cognitive impairment, melanoma and other issues.My middle sister is an alcoholic who has been married and divorced twice. The younger one has been married twice and divorced once and has turned so deep into her religion that she has to be at the church any time the doors might be open. Each year it seems something else is added to my laundry list. I only hope I haven’t done the same thing to my sons.

ACEs score 4, resiliency score 7. My mom was a caring person but also bipolar. I’m bipolar as well. My dad was abusive. The ACEs test made me really grateful for what I didn’t go through. It’s still hard to accept my limitations and at the same time to push them, a difficult balance.

ACE score of 9 and resiliency score of 6. My childhood was not pleasant. I feel like I have conquered most of it though. I have a degree, the same job for 20+ years, 3 great children, and zero addictions to substances. I’ve never been in jail or even been arrested. I definitely agree that life is what you make of it. I didn’t ask to be subjected to the things I was, but I’m sure not going to let it define me!

ACE score of 6. Resiliency score of 10. My childhood was dysfunctional; my stepfather is a rapist and my older brother used drugs and was very violent with me. Nonetheless, my mother and father have always loved me and there were always other people looking out for me. I credit those factors for making me into the functional, sober, and peaceful person that I am today. I’m certainly not perfect, but things could’ve been a lot worse.

With an 8 ACES score and an 8 resiliency score and now in my 50s, I can say that the most difficult thing has been the unsupportive comments and behavior from friends, acquaintances, and others who don’t understand or don’t believe what I say. Often, when I share a story about my childhood, I am called a liar or I am told to get over it. When I relate a story, I am not complaining or negative. It is simply sharing a story about something that happened when I was growing up, often in alightjearted way. I removed myself from the bad situation as a teen. Stayed away. Life got better and hopeful. I completed college and had a good career. The sad thing is I am unable to honestly share stories without making people uncomfortable. This adds some isolation to the situation. I do have many of the illnesses such as pituitary problems, overwork, overweight, etc. It confuses me in trying to figure out where to look for something to turn the physical health stuff around before it becomes worse.

One of the categories of self-care is to be in healthy relationships. People who don’t believe you aren’t healthy for you. It’s an effort, but finding people who understand you is critical to your health.

I am someone who has been working on recovering from my childhood trauma for about 10 years now. I am amazed mostly by the resiliency score. I used to give myself credit for being an overcomer (though I had many unhealthy coping strategies) but this test made me so grateful for all the supports I had! It reminds me that anyone can be a support for a struggling child.

My ACE score was an 8 and my resilience score is a 9. I am an Alcoholic and an Addict. I attend AA regularly and have worked the steps with a sponsor. I also attend NA meetings occasionally. I am grateful that my Higher Power lead me to AA and my amazing sponsor. Through working the steps I no longer have all the childhood resentments that I carried for so many years. I am learning to apply the principles of the program in my daily life and I would have never imagined my life would be so wonderful!

My ace score was 9 and my resilience score was 11. I consider myself to have had a happy childhood. There were times when very bad things happened but there were more times when there were not. I remember being happy and playing with my sister. I don’t spend time dwelling on the negative in life someone somewhere is having a worse or better time than me every moment of my life. The depression can be difficult but I am always coming up with new strategies to combat it. My goal is to be happy and have love in my heart for myself and everyone else. I do my best and believe the more love we have in the world the better

Ik think your ‘case’ is interesting, as it shows how protective the resilience score is (in your case very high). People who haven’t had that probably cannot see things and act as positive as you can. I think you are blessed because of this, even though you struggle as well.

I’m happy you’ve been able to move past those things, but I just want to caution you:
I thought I did too–accepted my circumstances, considered forgiving and reconnecting with my father and his family, and a few other things– then all of a sudden, it was like a physical blockage was removed one day.
I realized my attempt at accepting things was actually a kind of surpression and toxic coping mechanism (looking into dissociative and depersonilzation thinking and emotional dysregulation. It came about under immense stress in college (always been an extreme over achiever) and after realizing I feel unequipped emotionally to be the best partner for my amazing, compassionate bf, whom, because of all this baggage, I feel I don’t deserve and will just end up hurting in the end.
So although my whole life I thought I could get past it and make my own future and that “well yeah, but I don’t have it as worse as other people” (which is a common theme for those abused as children and indication that there was abuse), I realized I couldn’t accept what I never confronted, acknowledged, and actually felt–without the crutch of my justification and depersonalization coping mechanism. This is recent for me, so I’m not acting like I know this is the right path, but already it feels like there’s no going back.
In absolutely NO way am I saying this is what you should/need to do. Everyone deals with trauma differently and in their own time (and maybe your resiliency really does protect you from affects). I’m just saying don’t feel bad if you–the person who seemed to rise above and overcome everything–one day is encountered by past-related thoughts and feelings. And maybe to focus on mindfulness and wellness practices not even related consciously to the past. After all, even if we are mentally and emotionally resilient to this stuff, it’s being evidenced we need to counteract against the physical and medical affects it had/s on our bodies. Best of luck to you!
A

I have an ACE score of 9. My resiliency score is 2. Given the statistics I have a good chance of developing heart disease, cancer, diabetes, or an autoimmune disease which I have – Hashimotos and arthritis. I have been very healthy amd strong bodied most of my life, however my mental and emotional state I didn’t quite understand and no one else seemed to understand me either until I discovered this study. I continue to read books on ACE as I need to get it together. I understand more now why I am the way I am. I have hated myself, felt unloved, undeserving of love, and value, felt guilty because i should have stopped it as I knew it was wrong, however i would have been accused of lying as i have been accused as an adlult when i came out with my story 8 years ago when my mother passed away. . I was cast out of my family as a result. I am 61 and am now very much alone. I have no family, but I do have a hand full of close girlfriends that have been with me for the last 16 years and a very accepting and loving church family who accepts me for who I am and love me in spite of my short comings. I don’t want to die with unfinished business and damaged relationships. I am in weekly counseling working through the trauma I experienced as a child beginning with the molestation by my step brother when I was 5. I have been sexually abused by 3 family members, I have been abused emotionally and physically. I was also neglected having no nurturing or love as a child. No hugs, kisses, bedtime stories or tucking in at night. My father was an alcoholic and my mother was bipolar clueless to the events going on around her. My father often beat my mom in his drunken state in full view of us 4 kids. Though my older sister was only 5 years older than I, she stepped in as our carehiver as my mom spent most of my childhood in her bedroom. My sister was the mom doing what she could as a 10 year old, doing laundry so we would have clean cloths and cooking all of our meals. It was way too much of a burden for her, but she urged forward. When she went away to college that responsibility fell on me at age 13. I could go on and I but I think you get the picture. I am determined to be different and she’d this ugly skin that had covered my life.

I functioned as the older daughter in that capacity as a mom. Our mom had cancer and was on drugs. Her men around her after my dad’s divorce were abusive.
She abandoned the boys later after I was in college . I dropped out so the 15 yr old and 7 yr old lived with me. I diapered them so I had been their mom.
I hope you understand the greT sacrifice your older sister didfir your family.

My ACE score is 4, but my Resilience score is 12 … I don’t really know how to interpret this. The ACE is a bit clearer, though at age 62 and for most of my adult life I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs, nor am I in an abusive relationship. Chronic disease — I’m about 70lbs overweight, but that’s it. Sooo, what does it mean?

Even though I have an ACE score of 8/10 its difficult for me to believe that all my health issues come from my childhood experiences. Just as I don’t believe that my anxiety causes all my health issues as several doctors have told me. I have always felt that I just did not try hard enough to figure this all out. I do keep trying new therapies and believe I can get there but I think basically I have a stubborn side. My siblings and I were abused in multiple ways by an aunt and uncle and our cousins very badly for over 10 years. In todays world they would be in jail. Parents dead before I was 8, one a murder, but they gave us a great beginning so we are pretty resilient. Not broken but badly damaged.

What a great tool and an enlightening study. I think understanding this will help many professionals be more empathetic, and perhaps even be the “soft touch” that the child needs. I hope this is recognized by childcare centers, schools, administration, healthcare, law enforcement, etc etc. and most of all parents. I do think reading some of the comments that there is a tendency to take the scores too literally. I think this is a guide for childhood response and the effects, and there are many variables that don’t figure into the scoring or the resiliency. With that said, it is still a tool that can provide insight into how lives are acutely affected by childhood experiences. This is a great opportunity for continued professional development and continuing education for those working with children.

Anyways, I’ve accepted my past and I’ve moved on. I feel fine, people look at me and they’d never know what I’ve been through. My past has made me stronger and who I am today. It’s not going to hold me back from my dream.

My ACE is a solid 8 (perhaps a 9 if a mother involuntarily committed to a psychiatric facility is equivalent to prison). I’m in my late 40’s and feel like all of the ACE effects are hitting at once now, after an (outwardly) successful education, career and family (MDD, Complex PTSD, Developmental PTSD, unexplained health issues, cognitive issues, etc.). It’s unclear what options there are for adults, especially those who “froze” during childhood and had no adult buffers. This is after many years of various therapy and medication, the former of which helped me to understand my past and present (but did not relieve or reduce symptoms/effects – perhaps intensified them, actually), and the latter I had to discontinue due to side effects and lack of efficacy. The approaches outlined in The Deepest Well (if I can remember correctly, sleep, nutrition, meditation, exercise, etc.) seem necessary, but insufficient, at least for adults after a lifetime of dealing with ACEs. I know this is a big question for an internet comment, but I feel like later-in-life treatment has been overlooked in the focus on children and trauma-informed care, which focus I applaud of course. I also worry about disclosing ACE score and trauma information to health providers – because ACEs are so strongly correlated with chronic health issues over a lifetime, it seems this information could be used in health records to deny insurance coverage or increase rates, or interfere with things like approval for organ transplants (I understand depression itself can disqualify a patient for a heart transplant, for instance). Thoughts?

The approaches in The Deepest Well are the basic foundation for health (mind/body/social). If you aren’t making sure that you’re including them in your life, therapy won’t cure. What I learned is that if you have a high ACE score, taking care of yourself is a full-time job all in itself. Because it’s not intuitive — i.e., not ingrained when I was a child — I have to work at it every day, every week, every month, every year. And when I do, life is so much better. And now, at nearly 70 years of age, I can catch myself when I start to backslide. I just figured out how to catch myself from backsliding in the last few months.

I would never share my ACE score with any doctors. Telling them I have Anxiety or Depression is detrimental as it is. I feel like that should only be shared with my therapist. I think if my doctor could blame my symptoms on an ACE score then I would never get any treatment. I lost a brother to illness when I was 4, my father to a plane crash when I was 6 and my mother remarried a psychotic pedeophile who sexually abused us and she was killed by him when I was 8. We then endured 10 years of physical and mental abuse from an aunt and uncle. (In todays world they would be in jail) They continue to hold our parents possessions from us including wedding rings. I think the only reason I did not revert to drugs and alcohol is due to what I remember of our loving parents. So I am understanding that is where the resiliency comes in. But I still cannot accept that all my illnesses are due to childhood trauma and what difference that makes. I am the only one of my 6 siblings working in therapy. But even that is not enough. I am currently trying Hypnotherapy which is like peeling an onion. I have ah ha moments in remembering which causes me more issues. I read one book on this that seemed to say that unless we accept that our illness is from this ACE score than we would not get better. Telling me I have no choice on accepting this is a repeat of the abuse in my childood. I would appreciate thoughts on this. I am willing to try new treatments but do so with reservations.

I find myself wondering the same. It all caps at 4. I think I only new 1 or 2 people growing up that would have been under that score. I tagged a perfect 10, with a resiliency score of 3. How am I supposed to interpret those numbers, when I don’t do most of the self destructive things the people at 4 seem to.I don’t drink or smoke, or abuse people. I do have many physical health issues.

I understand that violence against women is much more common than violence against men, but it there a reason why the question only asks about violence against a mother/step-mother? Surely for a child, seeing their father being harmed can be just as damaging?

As mentioned in the introduction to Got Your ACE Score?:There are, of course, many other types of childhood trauma — watching a sibling being abused, losing a caregiver (grandmother, mother, grandfather, etc.), homelessness, surviving and recovering from a severe accident, witnessing a father being abused by a mother, witnessing a grandmother abusing a father, etc. The ACE Study included only those 10 childhood traumas because those were mentioned as most common by a group of about 300 Kaiser members; those traumas were also well studied individually in the research literature.

The most important thing to remember is that the ACE score is meant as a guideline: If you experienced other types of toxic stress over months or years, then those would likely increase your risk of health consequences.

ACEs- 8/10; though how many struggles or hardships faced in childhood- it is real and existing. To avoid such ACE incidences in our current families or community, we as an individual must changes our psychological perspective of our past and be a advocate for an environmental friendly behaviours.

We have to do this and more. We have to really change our whole society. The hyper-competitiveness of our business communities creates massive stress on the human brain. When people learn that money is not the sole determinant of human worth and can accept and support one another unconditionally, most of these problems will heal and few new ones will grow.

I scored a rough 4 for my childhood and teenage years, but I feel like I could score 7 or so, with 5 resilience factors.

Indeed, I really don’t feel like leaving out of the question

– 12 years of (often threatening and intense) school bullying

– 3 years of serious, invalidating physical illnesses

– and the multiple physical sexual contacts/humiliations of sexual nature I experienced during 1 year of middle school from the other kids.

All of this without consistent familial or external validation.

This clearly plays a big part in who I am today, and in how abusive I grew towards myself and my close ones during my teenage years. My parents talked about foster care or internship as communication went impossible.

I also felt/saw that

– money was quite a big preoccupation in my childhood (but not in my teenage years)

– and that my mother was emotionally violented, under influence and unable to protect me from my father. She was afraid of him, though he never hit her.

I never, ever talked about what I went through before I turned 18/19 and went away for my studies. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t ever think about it. I was very isolated, had barely no friends and acquaintances and no one in my family dared telling me my situation was critical: they were afraid of my father and gradually kept some distance. Thus, feeling abused/very lonely/under pressure was somewhat my 24/7 normality, at home and at school… well this is how I see it retrospectively.

Today I’m 21, and I often -among many other things- loathe myself for struggling with my emotions, my proneness to emotional abuse, my self-centeredness, my lack of boundaries and my insecurities by the damn number. I just get better with time, but moreover I wish I was an insightful, calm and safe person, as appeasing and internally secure as my boyfriend.

So I don’t know which of these events mentioned I should consider as ACEs or not…
I know several versions of the test have their questions formulated differently and/or have additional ones.

If I was asked, I would say I score 7 at the test. But I really don’t feel legitimate, neither do I feel that “broken”. On the other hand, I don’t feel like putting such impacting life events out of the equation.

I wonder if someone could give me his or her opinions. Could the events I enumerated in this message count as legitimate ACEs ? Thank you.

Yes, you can count those other experiences as ACEs. Subsequent to the original ACE Study, other ACE questions now included bullying, racism, witnessing violence outside the home, physical illness, etc. In other words, ANYTHING that causes toxic stress, that results in a person responding by fight/flight/freeze/appease response, damages the brain and the body.

I believe those events count as legitimate ACEs. It is great that you are looking at this and getting a broad perspective of your early years. Counseling can help your recovery to proceed faster that just doing it on your own.

All of your experiences I have had and then some. ACE 8/10. All of this affects how we look at ourselves and what we think of ourselves. I have been in therapy for over 20 years and still don’t have it all figured out. So give yourself permission to try different therapies such as the one I am trying now called hypnotherapy – no you are not hypnotized. But its’ like peeling away the layers of an onion and you gradually see and accept that you are changing. I can now verbalize my anger at my aunt and uncle for the way the treated us where I could not do that in past years. What you have is probably PTSD and it will take time. I tried antidepressants but could not tolerate them. I am considering anxiety meds now and take over the counter stress pills. They help. But you need to be kind to yourself. My positive is that I had 6 and 8 years with my kind loving parents but their deaths were brutal and tragic and affected me horribly. There is no real “normal” as we are all different. Its all about “fake it till you make it”. Good luck with your journey and keep trying. You will get there.

I’m 21 now too and relate. I never considered myself “abused” or “broken” from my childhood– and I still think the latter word isn’t helpful to employ anyway. But recently–under stress from college and going on 3 years with a loving man I care deeply about– I realize I have behaviors and tendencies that are going to affect my life and relationships that I am not even consciously aware of sometimes, actually, am only starting to become consciously aware of. Also, I realized something about my acceptance of the situation too. Idk about you, but for me de-emphasizing and depersonalizing my experience was my coping mechanism. Recently with the insane stress of college and social expectations, self-esteem and adequacy issues have come up. I thought I have always been a stressed person bc of the insane load I put on myself…but then..I realized that load was bc of my childhood and my narcissistic father, oh and alcoholic father, and apathetic stepmother, who allowed my father to neglect her child, who was actually adopted….. etc, you get the picture. I guess all I’m saying is that you don’t need to be emotional and feel negatively towards yourself all the time to constitute being an abuse/neglect victim. and It doesn’t mean you couldn’t benefit from some practices/exercises/therapy (In your OWN time though). Just don’t be scared if these things come up. I never thought they would for me, but I realized in order to accept something, you do actually, have to confront or acknowledge that something first. Or at least for me, I realized I was actually suppressing vs. accepting.
Best of luck to you! A.

Same? I’m sorry. The clarity I have come into is something I can’t explain but I feel incredibly fortunate to be a survivor of my traumatic upbringing and incredibly greatful to my husband for his patients and support. I have been estranged from my father for almost 10 years (for self preservation) and it has been nothing short of empowering. Ironically it was after that relationship ended that the panic attacks really kicked in. I find that having grown up in my particular environment has made me guarded. Many people cannot understand or relate so you chose friends cautiously. Still, I’m proud of who I am.

After my parents divorced my mother was abusive and beat us severely. Because I was the oldest daughter of 6 I took the beatings for the others.
The boys have problems in marriages because they did not learn to set boundaries. And their wives take advantage of their abuse. They remarried It is a learned response, to trust.
You have to restrain yourself from gushing when you have friends about the abuse. Some do not know what to say and can be indiscreet and cruel .
I take a supplement that lowers cortisol
The fight or flight syndrome . It’s called pregnenolone . OTC. Less than $11 for 60 capsules.

I am now 50. I scored a 7 out of 10 on the Ace test (almost an 8). Question 7 leaves out mental abuse. I would have had an 8 with that one. At 40 I suffered from panic attacks. They came out of nowhere. I am married with three children. Financially secure, occasional drinker, don’t smoke and exercise regularly (running mostly). The exercise keeps me from needing medication. It’s the most productive way I have found to value myself everyday. My sister was my support and still is to this day. Chin up everyday. You are important. Your past does not define you.

As mentioned in the introduction to Got Your ACE Score?:There are, of course, many other types of childhood trauma — watching a sibling being abused, losing a caregiver (grandmother, mother, grandfather, etc.), homelessness, surviving and recovering from a severe accident, witnessing a father being abused by a mother, witnessing a grandmother abusing a father, etc. The ACE Study included only those 10 childhood traumas because those were mentioned as most common by a group of about 300 Kaiser members; those traumas were also well studied individually in the research literature.

The most important thing to remember is that the ACE score is meant as a guideline: If you experienced other types of toxic stress over months or years, then those would likely increase your risk of health consequences.

I wish this had been around when I was younger. I was raised in a violent alcoholic family with codependent parents. Struggled all my life with issues I now realize are result of this childhood dysfunction and trauma.

I wonder why the question about the mother being hurt isn’t also offered about the father. My step children witnessed their mother hitting, slapping, kicking, and punching their father on a regular basis for several years, as well as screaming at him, throwing things at him, and then sometimes ignoring him for days. I don’t think they would have the wherewithal to answer yes to that question because it specifically says the mother only.

I agree. I thought the same thing. I saw my father and my grandfather being abused by my mother. Eventually, as a teenager, I witnessed her abuse her own mother as well. All three of these people were kind and loving to us. I feel the statement should have been inclusive of any close family member being abused including grandparents and fathers.

RE Question 2: What if you only experienced violence to the point that it left marks once, and on several occasions things were thrown at you (hair brushes, wet-dry vac, etc)? But mostly the abuse was verbal and psychological, but also you were occasionally chased down with a car?

RE Question 8: What if you lived with a problem drinker, but it didn’t affect you too much? But when it did, it was significant (driving to friends houses drunk looking for me, getting very angry, etc.)

RE Question 5: What if I definitely had enough to eat, and had clean clothes, etc. but I felt like no one was able to protect me emotionally/psychologically, or stand up for me? But I was always taken to the doctor or dentist as needed, etc. But, like…I also really felt like no one was there to protect me from my mom?

RE Question 9: What if the family member has an undiagnosed mental illness? But certainly displays lots of symptoms of narcissism and BPD, possibly a light bipolarity? What about families with members who have cognitive disabilities present as well??

This test is confusing me, I think. When I answer ‘yes’ to some of these questions (the ones listed above) I start to wonder if I’m ‘making things up,’ which I guess I was often told I was doing in my childhood.

But then I wonder if I am saying ‘yes’ to justify some of my crappy qualities like laziness (ex: I miss a lot of work, mostly I make anxious decisions to call in more often than I’d like). I wonder if I’m trying to avoid responsibility for decisions like that, and put that on my family??

I like to think I try very hard to positivity build my own character and take responsibility for myself and my actions…but what if I have a blind spot, and it’s this? I feel guilty about that possibility.

I wasn’t regularly beaten, or physically neglected. I didn’t ever feel like I might die in my home. But I was very often yelled at and told I was the cause of our family’s problems. I was constantly picked on and could never do anything right. I did experience some violence, but never to the degree where I was seriously hurt. More so things like being violently thrown out of bed to wake me up in the morning, chasing me with a car, physically restraining me if I tried to leave the house, throwing things at me on occasion.

But this behaviour was normalized because my father didnt protect me and would not acknowledge my mother’s behaviour as bad or wrong, and my only sibling is cognitively disabled, so he couldn’t express any opinions on the matter/was often not involved. So I did often feel really alone and I was angry and resentful because of that.

I think I’m posting here because I’m looking for some sort of validation? I know I wasn’t in the worst home in the world (like I said, I always had food, clean clothing, access to medical care), and my early childhood (0-7 ish?) was actually pretty great. But I do feel deeply affected by my family. I struggle with anxiety and depression. My relationship with my family continues to be strained. Sometimes I can’t sleep bc I worry about how my mom is treating my dad (she has taken all of the anger she used to unleash on me and has directed it at him), or what will happen to my brother after my parents die. They have no plan for him and assume he will become my responsibility.

No one in my family has acknowledged my perspective, they probably never will. But what I’m saying is messed up, right? A mom shouldn’t yell at her daughter for hours and make her feel ashamed, and tell her that she’s horrible, chaotic, inconsiderate, lazy, unintelligent, fat, etc. right?? For years nearly every time she spoke to me it was about something I had done wrong, or something I had to do (which I would probably do wrong). She’d scream at me and tell me how I was somehow abusing her? And that all she’d done is give me unconditional love, and how I reject it and that I’m ungrateful? And a bunch of other shit.

All of that stuff is wrong, right? Moms shouldn’t do that, right?? What about questions 2, 5, 8, and 9? I feel like I can say yes to those…but based on my descriptions does that count??

The answer is yes to all four questions. People who experience ACEs tend to minimize their effect. You may not be conscious of the effect, but your brain and body are. Read The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk for more info.

You sound like me. There were a lot of aspects in my home growing up that were absolutely fine and normal and that normality that was fairly prevalent and gave a sort of equalibrium to the whole of my childhood…or so I thought. You mentioned your mom quite possibly had BPD. After years (we’re talking into my mid to late 40s) I was convinced I had a distinct portion of me that was no good and deserved all the sick ire my mother has heaped on me off and on my entire life because she functioned fairly normal day to day. That’s the subversive nature of BPD —often sufferers are reasonably fine and functioning—especially to the outside world—until they are behind closed doors and then things go south. I’m like you—I didn’t want for a home, clothes, medical, dental —but my mother struggled (due to her severe abuse as a child) to show me any connectedness and closeness. She’d go around the house bellowing: THIS IS A DICTATORSHIP NOT A DEMOCRACY! The older I got, the more bizarre and angry her behavior seemed. I was physically and emotionally abused by her as a teen especially. And my gosh, her anger and ire toward me for offenses that she literally made up in her head about me were epic and unbelievable …she continues to do this to this day.
Bottom line—what you went through was not normal, not nurturing and not healthy. You can’t say —because I had ‘this and this’ that was reasonably standard or normal as a child —-that it cancels out the abuse I suffered. I had to go through Christian counseling to realize my mother suffers BPD and abuses because she was abused. Furthermore, often with someone who has BPD, you’ll find them honing in on a child they deem as ‘the all bad child.’ It’s a punching bag position in the family that you can’t dig out of. I was the all bad child in mine and no matter what I’d do, I’d be pegged as the villain. Perhaps this is your dynamic with your mother….my advice is to get the book ‘The Borderline Mother’ and be open to counseling and have very solid boundaries with your mother and anyone else who did not treasure you and treat you with respect as a child. I’ve had to distance myself from my mother. It’s not ideal but God never calls us to take abuse when it comes to trying to honor our parents.

Sweetie you were abused in so many ways! Your mother sounds like a very sick woman. Please find a competent and compassionate therapist so you can get insight into your past and how it affects you. I’m so sorry you have had to deal with all this pain. I have dealt with it as well. Get the book “Complex PTSD” by Pete Walker. C-PTSD is a condition of living with abuse over a long period of time (as opposed to a one-time thing like Sept 11 or a car crash. Also, “The Body Never Lies: The Lasting Effects of Hurtful Parenting.” These books are changing my life.

It sounds like you experienced severe emotional abuse! Among other things! Your mother was not available to meet your needs and validate your feelings and instead made you feel bad about yourself and was looking for you to vailadate her. I’m so sorry you went through that. The good news is that as an adult you are now aware of what you went through, that it was damaging and unacceptable!! So , now that you have awareness of how it impacted you, you can move forward with taking care of yourself, building your self confidence and learning to express your emotions.

The abuse I had from my mum was that she would use me as an emotional crutch, tell me everything she was feeling in her depression and I somehow got the feeling that I should try and make things better and that really scared me. She wanted me to be her mum. I was 10. I still get a very bad trigger reaction around people who are upset.

So sorry for your experience. I completely understand your perspective. I sometimes feel like I use my upbringing as an excuse for my guarded personality. I definitely feel like my siblings don’t agreed with my take on our family with the exception of my sister who experienced most of it. The one difference with her is that I was the bad kid and she was the good. Not reality but in the eyes of my severely narcissistic father. My mother had mostly checked out emotionally and used alcohol to get through her own trauma, my brother a drug addict, my oldest sister moved away and my oldest brother took his own life. My father was a master at making people believe we were something we were very much not. I struggle with anxiety. The holidays are the worst. I always end up with a phantom illness. My parents eventually divorced (thank God) but my mother still struggles to connect emotionally. There were never hugs or “I love you” moments. It was a cold, emotionally void upbringing. I have not spoken to my father in ten years.

With that said, I am quite the opposite with my own children. I have their back. I love them openly and hugs are regular. My few very good friends know my past and love me and support me. It’s a crazy past to have and even crazier to explain. Not many could understand and embrace it so I chose wisely. People are can be very judgmental.

Don’t doubt yourself. Your life was yours. My older sister didn’t experience what I did. She can’t relate. You are seemingly in the same boat. Narcissists use Triangulation to manipulate the group. The chosen ones are loved but the one on the outs becomes the victim. I was often the victim.

You have been the victim. Your mother should never belittle you. She certainly let her frustrations out on you but it can only control you forever if you allow it to. Everyone is worthy of love and happiness.

I guess I’m a 10….. Both parents in the psych ward. Dad had shock treatments., Mom delusional violent psychopath. She used to wear a nun costume in public and preach the end of the world. Name calling by her was so damaging. She called me “scum” and syphillis bitch.when I was little , threatening to kill us in our sleep.
So I was raped in a construction trailer in the schoolyard at 11 or 12 and felt I couldn’t tell anyone. My mom was a monster to me ! One of the men also took mel to his apartment for more rape …. So I guess my life seemed over before it began.. My mom is 92 and still a source of trauma….. Alcoholic and abusive…. My brother has schizophrenia , one brother died young and was commited to the psych ward and jailed… My resilience score is low because even to this day my siblings are uncomfortable sharing or listening , also no relatives were allowed in our house . Mom’s orders ! So its hard because my emotions come rushing out too powerfully and people just can’t handle it, You’re never heard and can’t heal . Me I work constantly and am a loner because of it ,but I finally am healing by just not caring if people come and go from my life. My life is valid. I validate myself now and new people come into my life all the time. I don’t hide my story anymore and its really helping. Everyone has pain ! I love to listen to other people share their stories . Peace and Love to you all !

Helena, It’s astonishing that you’ve withstood that level of neglect and abuse.. and feel as you do. I’m awestruck at your self-validation and resilience (you say low, but I say: really?!) and determination to heal and move on.
There’s a very helpful ‘support’ group on FB if you’re interested.. contact me via my blog (healingpilgrim.com).
I know the feeling of not hiding a story…my book comes out later this year (it’s not just about ACEs and DTD, but it’s in there)
Peace, love and light to you too!

My name is Andrea, I’m from nothern California. My father abused me in every way possible, especially sexually my entire Child hood. all the way up until I was16 until he passed away one morning from a pulmonary embolism & died pretty much instantly in my presence. I was diagnosed with ptsd, phycotic depression, and I believe I have disassociate identity disorder but I’m not sure. To keep this short , I don’t know how high my aces score is & i have no resilience whatsoever. I probably have an aces score over 10 because of being repeatedly raped as a young girl. There is much more trauma I have endured in my short 23 years but honestly I would have to write a book to in order to say it all.

Andrea: I am so sorry to hear about your childhood. You didn’t deserve to be treated so badly by someone who you should have been able to trust. I hope you are getting some help to deal with the trauma that you have experienced. You have a lot of life in front of you and my wish for you is to find recovery and wholeness.

We’re you angry a lot? I am raising my grandchild who was sexually abused by her father. Even though she has not seen him in 4 years, she just seems to be very angry. I feel she takes her anger out on me. Just wondering how I can help her. She is 12.

Marie, please make sure your granddaughter gets counseling. She is angry that she was horribly violated and that no one protected her. Even if there’s no way you could’ve known, she may still direct her anger at you. She surely feels violated and vulnerable and finds it hard to trust anyone. If her own father could hurt her in that way, then what hope could she have that anyone would ever take care of her and protect her? I suffered childhood sexual abuse and had a hard time trusting any adults for the rest of my life. I didn’t get counseling until my 20s. Give her lots of love and patience. Tell her you will never let her down and stand by that. Good luck and I hope she finds peace.

Andrea, I am so sorry to hear of your story it seems to be all to common to hear of life stories such as yours these days but not as extreme as yours.
I too came from an abused and I mean severely abusive family but mine was physical. 62 years and still working on my self however I have GOD’s help which has kept me alive and enjoying life most of the time. I had two brothers that passed away at an early age and one that is struggling. Hope is very powerful and there is a GOD that loves you so much that GOD gave His only begotten son who gave his life to help you and me and all people of the world wanting it so hope is very powerful. I will be praying for you that GOD will continue to cause his face to shine upon you and cause to smile upon you.
GOD Bless
JW

Andrea I am so sorry that you had to experience so much in your short 23 years because you didn’t deserve it. I, myself experienced trauma and I found my inner strength by externalizing my traumatic experiences which gave me a negative perception of self and the world. I realized that what happened to me didn’t mean that I was not special, loved, worthless; it meant that people that had perhaps experienced trauma themselves had never healed therefore they were acting out; used me in their story line. Sadly, in order for me to heal; I had to revisit the traumatic situations. I cried, screamed, shouted, and then I spoke to my inner child and told her how special and beautiful she was/is and I held her. Also, I became intentional about feeding my mind with positive reading content that gave me hope. Hope gives you an expectation for a better life in the future. I refused to allow what happen to me to define me or rob me of enjoying my later years of life. I am 45 now. It has been a healing journey that was the best thing I gave myself permission to do. I hope you can find healing after trauma also. You are a SURVIVOR!

This really opened my eyes to so many of my issues. I scored a 9. I am college educated (barely struggled) on an antidepressant, smoke cigars and have health issues. Oh and i am in the most horrible financial debt ever. I feel like my entire life has been a huge ball of WTF. I have gone to many therapist but mostly, I feel like they don’t understand me.
The strange part is that I have a great husband, never abused me and we have a beautiful little girl together and she is great.

I struggle many days of just wishing i could have had a better life as a kid and maybe then i would not be in debt. I also tell myself to pull it together because society does not care about your life just do your job.

We can’t do anything about our past except challenge what it means to us. As far as the spending goes, I know quite a few people who have Bipolar Disorder who go massively in debt during their manic stages. If you have some form of clinical depression, the spending may be a symptom of dopamine depletion. When your brain doesn’t have enough dopamine it gets you to do things that cause its release, which usually mans things that excite people. Mostly that’s rich foods and sex, but a lot of people become addicted to things like gambling, extreme sports or shopping. I was a huge eBay junkie until I was diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder and given Wellbutrin, which is a dopamine reuptake inhibitor. If you still feel compelled to shop, you might ask about Wellbutrin.

Dear ZaKiya, I have struggled with depression and excessive drinking and have seen big shifts doing Neuroptimal Neurofeedback, somatic empathy and i now offer those to others. I also use tapping and have done 1 ‘the journey’. there is hope and spending or drinking etc are effective strategies to alleviate stress or stimulate pleasure response.

Melissa, you did not say where in Minnesota you are. One place to look is go to the website RAINN and see if they can help you find somebody. As an out of us as this might see you can also go to http://www.psychologytoday.com and look in your area with the specialty is that you would like – your events would qualify as trauma and/or PTSD and/or sexual abuse survivor. You want to be able to resonate, you want to feel some compatibility, and you want to trust that they have enough training and expertise. You could also try going to http://www.emdria.org, and see if they have someone in your area. What you’ve been through is very painful. I wish you the best of luck.

Celebrate Recovery, Alcoholics Anonymous, AlAnon, Adult Children of Alcoholics/dysfunctional families, 12 step programs, church and Bible studies are available to break the cycle of disfunction. You need a counselor, a small group, and your own study and private reflection to heal. Hurt people hurt people. It is important to help your children by getting help for yourself.

I have found a group called A.C.O.A (Adult Children Of Alcoholics to be the most helpful in growing past my childhood traumas. It’s hard work but in conjunction with my therapist it’s amazing how much I’ve grown

I got a 10… I honestly do not know how to go about finding a therapist. Everyone in my family says that is a stupid waste of time but they all do drugs. I don’t want to do that. All my feelings are overwhelming. I feel broken. My dad molested me until I was 11. My mom was an abusive alcoholic. My dad went to prison when I was 12. I had no one to raise me. My mom got a girlfriend who was even more mean than her. She had 3 children. I was the oldest so I took care of all 5 of us. I remember stealing money out of my moms wallet in order to go buy groceries. I started drinking that year. It was the only way I had ever saw that people cope. I was a damn good mom though. I made sure the kids never saw what I saw. I made sure they just did their homework well and got food. They are all top of their classes I am so proud. Though while I was taking care of them I never took care of myself. At 14 I lost my virginity. He left me. Then at 15 I got into my first abusive relationship. It took me 7 months to leave. Then I continued to date a few more rotten guys. None were ever as bad as him though. I was raped by a 24 year old man who had come over to my friends house to see her boyfriend who she lived with. I was asleep and woke up to it happening. My boyfriend at the time was in the other room. We had been in a fight. The next day I told him what happened and my friends boyfriend what had happened as the man who did that to me was asleep. They beat him up and told him to never touch a woman again. I do not like violence. It does not solve anything it did not make me feel better. I still feel dirty to this day. I never turned him in. Then it happened again. My mom had broken up with her girlfriend. We were living with my uncle. My cousin’s boyfriend did it this time. I was sleeping on the couch because there was not a room for me. I woke up and he was simply sitting on the couch next to me. He was 29. He raped me multiple times making me feel to ashamed to ever tell anyone. I made sure after this incident it never would happen to me again. I decided if a man tried to touch me he was going to lose an eye. When I was 17 I got into one more really abusive relationship. It took me a year and a half to end it. I probably would have stayed. (This is where my life starts to get happier.) One night James and I had got into a fight and I left to stay at my mom’s. My mom went to the bar that night. I had to work at 7am but in exchange for her letting me stay the night I said I would pick her. I accidently fell asleep. So at 2am 8 drunk people come bustling in to the house. My mom starts yelling at me. A typical day at home I thought to myself haha. Then one of my mom’s friends who was also my friend tells me she has someone she wants me to meet. I roll over telling her I don’t care. They all go downstairs. Then Ben came upstairs and asked me where do I go outside to smoke. I know it seems lame but no one had ever had that kind of respect for our home. I helped him find his shoes and jacket and we sat outside talking. As soon as I saw him I knew this is why it had not worked out with anyone else. It has been a year and and 3 months since that day. We have our ups and downs but he still treasures me. I live with him in our own two bedroom apartment. We have gone to iceland together and Florida. He makes me feel like I was never dirtied in the first place. I now work two full time jobs. I am also a full-time college student. I just got an awesome new vehicle. I may still be poor but I have not and will not let all of those things you just read bring me down. I am 18 now. That is my life story up until now. I struggle with depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, and panic attacks. I know I can’t continue to stay in my bliss with all this baggage still waying on my shoulders. So if anyone knows of therapists in MN. Please a comment. I don’t want to return to the darkness of my childhood. No one owns your adult life but yourself.

I’m so sorry you’ve had such pain and abuse and such a rough go of it. And I’m so happy for you that you have someone kind and supportive in your life now who treasures you. And congratulations on being in college. These are powerful signs of the tremendous underlying health and capacity that already exist within you. Therapy will help you continue to access these innate strengths that you have have and you will feel much better.

I’m a former family doctor who retrained as a trauma therapist and have written a post on how to find a therapist. It talks a little about how to find and choose a therapist (there are many different ways to heal) and includes links to different kinds of therapies as well as websites where you can look for a therapist in MN.

Hang in there and keep following your intuition and your dreams! You are doing a terrific job.

Consider EMDR and DBT at some point, also yoga or other relaxation training that includes movement. To make these childhood experiences into strength, will likely take a long time, but focus more on progress than goals will give you hope and confidence. (Progress is not linear, though.) You can find EMDR and DBT trained therapists via an internet search. Check https://emdria.site-ym.com/. Best wishes for your future.

Hi Melissa, I’m sorry I don’t have a therapist to recommend to you…maybe you can reach out to a women’s shelter or suicide hotline? However, I wanted to note that you’re one of the most resilient ACErs I’ve ever read of/from. As you were writing, or re-reading what you shared above, I hope that you can realize that out of the depths of such a horrific childhood and youth, you somehow found a deeper capacity to care for others and you’ve emerged perhaps scathed, but intact and taking precious steps to rebuild your life. I don’t know how you did it, but you’ve got a gift. You have so much light inside of you… keep that spark going even in your darkest days. Sometimes it’s only that helps you (us) make it until tomorrow! Blessings and love

Melissa, I am so sorry for what you have had to endure. But you are obviously a very smart and strong person. Something I think might be helpful for the stress,anxiety and panic attacks would be to download “Insight Timer” to your phone. Then listen to Glenn Harrold “Mindfulness for releasing anxiety “. It really is so helpful and their are lots of positive support groups there.

I live in Illinois and am a Meditation Therapist. I do not know a good therapist in MN. I will tell you this, I am sorry that you were abused. That should have never happened to you. Shame was delivered to you that had nothing to do with you. In the face of this you acted courageously. Don”t let anyone tell you that you were or are a bad person because it is simply not true. You do need someone to walk through these things with you and help you remove any mental obstacles that may be preventing you from achieving your goals. You might try calling the University of Minnesota Psychology Department and ask for a reference.

What a wonderful ending to your horrible childhood, Melissa. I am so happy you found
goodness and mercy in a world that can be so cruel. Focus on what you can do to feel good everyday, that’s within your control. Meditation, dance, yoga, hula hooping, laughter—lots of hugs. These are things that heal more than talking, imho.

Melissa, look into this program. https://www.dreambuilderprogram.com
I applaud you for being able to talk about your life at such a young age. I also grew up in a abusive home and just now in my mid forties I am going through healing process. Best of luck, you are on a good path, you can do it!

Melissa, hang in there, you’re life can and will get better. Be kind to yourself, your a young person who has experienced trauma, none of it was your fault. Consider cutting contact with your mother, she has not been a decent parent and you do not need a toxic person in your life. Wishing you peace and love xxxx

Dear precious Melissa, I am also a victim of childhood abuse, but no longer a victim, but an over comer. I have been in a recovery program for 44 years, called “Al-Anon Adult Children of Alcoholics.” The book that was written for this group is called, “Hope for Today,” I combine this with the, “12 Step Recovery Bible.” I also accepted Jesus as my Savior, I was born again, cleansed by water baptism. I attend a Christian based church every Sunday and am always in bible studies. Although I live in WI and spend 5 months in FL, it took me three years to find a church like my home church, Jacobs Well, that’s how important my Spiritual recovery journal also is. I have heard great things about a church in MN called Edgewater. If you haven’t read the book, “The Deepest Well, you may want to see the reviews and see how many of the ACE list you suffered, Dr. Harris has identified the effects of childhood phycological trauma. You are an amazing women and in recovery and healing, God has a plan for your healed history to help others like us. Love and prayers sent your way!!!!

Im 20. So when I was 13 or 14 my dad went to jail for around 9 months. Does that count for ace #10?
And for ace #3 it says 5 years older. My Aunt is 4 years older than me and sexually abused my cousin (who is a year older than me and just got sent to prison for armed robbery with a pellet gun) and I on several occasions when I was 4/5 years old.

Does the question at the end of the resilience questionaire:”Of these circled, how many are still true for me?” pertain to only the question directly above – How many were circled Definitely True” or “Probably True or to all 13 questions?

The Ace questions don’t even come close to my situation. Multiple birth defects and birth trauma’s 1951. Father died Thanksgiving night 1958 at age 41, I was 7. Attempted molestation and murder age 9. Treated with dilantin until age 15, they were just thrown away. Drug dependent Mother who wasn’t there emotionally. Full story at my website. I have yet to find anyone that understands this type of survival. Maybe the physical damage done but not the physical pain. Not even my pain doctor will address the pain I have due to a crumbling body that was deformed from birth. Got any clue’s?

I scored 8 on the ACE, but could have easily been a 9 or 10 if I’d replaced the word “often” with “sometimes” I’m quite resilient as an adult (and was as a child), but this resiliency scale doesn’t quite capture it. I think one thing that really helped me survive such a tumultuous childhood was that somehow I knew it wasn’t normal to experience all that (trauma), and that I needed to do whatever I could to protect myself and get away, even if adults weren’t listening or helping. Had to fight tooth and nail to escape, but it made all the difference. My father was always very supportive and was that person I could always trust. You need at least one of those I think.

I went through some rebellious times when I was younger, but doing great now. Struggled with depression a number of times but don’t currently need to take any prescribed medications and haven’t needed to for years. I’m a successful social worker and very good at it, accomplished in my work, with an uncanny knack for helping others, as well as a lot of creative pursuits and wonderful friendships.

It’s not all roses, to be sure, and it won’t always be, but I know what to do to keep myself feeling well, and I know enough to intervene before I ever sink too low (definitely been there in the past).

It’s interesting to read some people looking for validation for all the pain they’ve suffered that wasn’t named in this questionnaire, almost a hope they’d scored higher, and others, afraid because they’d scored too high. Remember, it’s just a tool. I do find the comments and rallying support very touching. I am a tobacco smoker but hoping to quit this year, so you’ve got me on that one, although I hate to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Otherwise healthy and glad to be alive. Funny thing is I have 2 brothers – we all grew up in the same household, at least for 10 years or so, but we all experience trauma and the world differently. One of them struggles every day and might always, the other does well and doesn’t have a care in the world.

Hello,
It might be that the difference between your two brothers is genetic. Most likely the one who isn’t doing so well has the more sensitive version of the oxytocin receptor, but there is so much about the genetics we don’t know yet. We can only look where the light is, always keeping in mind that we don’t know everything. From books and articles I’ve read since I was diagnosed I strongly suspect that a lot of us here would have the more sensitive OT receptor if we had the money to get tested. Sensitivity makes for vulnerability. If all is well, we would be warmer, friendlier people than most, but when we face trauma we suffer much more, too. Biology isn’t always nice.

I also found all the support touching (and more support for the OT receptor idea). The search for validation probably comes from the fact that many of us have felt like there was something wrong with us all of our lives. Discovering that we were right all along is a bit of a mixed blessing, but at least it tells us that we were right and not just paranoid. The other side of the coin, though, is admitting to ourselves that yes, we are crazy. We have chronic diseases that might get better but will never really be cured. The relapse rate is pretty frightening. If you have an anxiety attack strong enough to hospitalize you, it’s 50/50 in the first year, but unlike bacterial diseases the chances don’t go down as time goes by, they go up. 60% in two years, and by the time you get to 15 years it’s at 90%. That’s pretty scary. Even with all the treatments I am getting, I still have SI almost every day. Be glad that you are doing better and have for awhile. I go to DBSA a couple times a week, and while the camaraderie and being around people who understand is great, I still come home to the same life. That’s the trouble with psychological and psychiatric treatments – they might raise your mood temporarily, which temporarily increases the good chemicals in your system and lowers the bad ones, but they don’t fix your life.

I have to say everyone is different someone with a low score can be haunted into exhaustion and others not so much. one common thing is we were all effected and our bodies and mind remember.
lets keep supporting each other so as to know we are not an island unto ourselves left isolated. so care for one another and don’t allow some expression of ACE distance you, come close to those who hurt and be genuine and don’t decide to give in to those who display toxicity just wait time will expose the need of those in need. you may be the only one who displays HOPE.

My Ace score is 10 I am 31 I am four felony charges I am on four years probation I’m divorced from an 8-year marriage I am disabled after 15 years of work was diagnosed with ADHD in grade school and learning disabilities birthday defects heart problems lung problems neuropathy thyroid spina bifida occultist gastritis and PTSD I take over 17 medications daily thought some of this information would help you

Hi!
So I’m doing my Masters Research and I have used both your ACE and Resilience tool. I have a few questions.
1.Why is a score of 4 or more on ACE considered complex trauma?
2. Could you tell me how to cite and score the resilience tool?

Why is it stressful to see a mother or stepmother being a victim of domestic violence but not seeing the same in a father or a stepfather? I don’t know what the incidence of female-on-male DV is, or how it compares to male-on-female DV, and those who say it is nearly equal generally make misogynist or anti-feminist statements as well. But sure SOME women abuse SOME men, and surely this affects the children who witness it.

It is the same; it just wasn’t measured in this study. See second paragraph in Got Your ACE Score?:There are, of course, many other types of childhood trauma — watching a sibling being abused, losing a caregiver (grandmother, mother, grandfather, etc.), homelessness, surviving and recovering from a severe accident, witnessing a father being abused by a mother, witnessing a grandmother abusing a father, etc. The ACE Study included only those 10 childhood traumas because those were mentioned as most common by a group of about 300 Kaiser members; those traumas were also well studied individually in the research literature.

The fact my parents separated/divorced and my father was (briefly) in prision after I got out of home, even though I was under 18, still applies to me? Just so I can make myself clear, I went to live with my paternal grandparents when I was about to turn 17.

after over a year in a co-occurring drug addiction and personalty disorder recovery center 3 day each week with 45min one on one therapy each week. It took a year to peal away the self protecting and defenses to expose my self in the raw flesh (ACES 5 resilience 6). In a 2 months period I went to the wall to finally get to the source, Than in a weeks time i was ask to leave, leaving me in harms way to suicide ideations , trying to hurt myself, and now totally high everyday to turn off the music in my head. I feel so hurt I’ve described this hurt as the greatest Ive ever felt, every day for 6 weeks now I am lost on what to do.everyday extreme rumination I feel very harmed by this recovery center and the therapist who turned her head offered no ending direction other more harm just before Christmas. I cant stop the noise inside my head. i know i don’t think like others. I am very alone here. any advice I just could not began talk it out again to someone new. I transferred all of to this the therapist and she understood this transference was were i needed to be she said we were finally ready to attack one by one.abandonment, molestation, constant bulling , alcoholic father , non attendant mother, mental illness from my father, adult mental abuse.

That sounds awful and sad Michael, I really feel for you and for your painful experiences. The constant ruminating, sense of loss and abandonment are a heavy toll to bear. You’ve been given a harsh hand, but you’ve also survived. I really hope that you can reach out to another therapist, friend or hotline for a compassionate ear and guidance.

Michael,
I am sending you love and positive energy. I’m sorry you met with such an unprofessional therapist. You are not alone. The way you think is okay. You called yourself out about the ruminating… negative thoughts and words can manifest themselves in your life, and you don’t need that. You are a unique loveable amazing human being and you deserve love and care. Please do what makes you happy and calm as much as possible (music, art, walks in nature, whatever!). When you’re ready, seek out a new therapist, and interview them carefully to see if you feel safe with them. There’s also a therapy called EMDR that does not need you to talk out your trauma, which can be triggering and scary. Keep the faith. Lots of love. You are awesome. You are a survivor. You are going to be ok.

Thanks Yvette , your so kind and encouraging, I so need lifting words. A good Thing is I am so Tried of spinning. I’ve written out my story in detail, getting a better handle on my fear and flight reactions to daily stressor’s. I have still an over reaction to embedded security issues from childhood that i fear failure and flee quickly to the security of escape of sorted forms.

Thanks Kellie,
it’s comments of encouragement that keep me going , I am very tired of the way I think. I understand why I think this way. Now I need to make proper adjustments to steer my mind from the why to the better.I was just remembering yesterday by Music of a memory of a adverse event, I was frozen for a moment and just said no more and turn the music off i realize now non of the thinking pattern is Ever going to be helpful.

None of the questions asked about death and loss of a family member. My sister died of cancer she at age 11. I was 5. My dad di d of alcoholism at age 49. I am grateful for was 14. My brother jdi every m a farm accident at age 50. I was 52. My mom died of a stroke at age 89. I was 59. I had a heart attack at age 50 and a stroke at age 61. Please offer me some validation that death and loss of family members have contributed to my own illnesses my whole life.

Of course they have, Kay. As was explained at the beginning of Got Your ACE Score?:There are, of course, many other types of childhood trauma — watching a sibling being abused, losing a caregiver (grandmother, mother, grandfather, etc.), homelessness, surviving and recovering from a severe accident, witnessing a father being abused by a mother, witnessing a grandmother abusing a father, etc. The ACE Study included only those 10 childhood traumas because those were mentioned as most common by a group of about 300 Kaiser members; those traumas were also well studied individually in the research literature.

The most important thing to remember is that the ACE score is meant as a guideline: If you experienced other types of toxic stress over months or years, then those would likely increase your risk of health consequences.

Thank you, Jane, for your reply. I am finding the information about early childhood trauma to be invaluable and am so glad I found out about it.
I am reading everything I can about to his topic.
Thanks again!
Kay

I scored 8 on the ACE questionnaire. I have narcolepsy with cataplexy and fibromyalgia. Are both these health problems the direct result of my childhood trauma? My first symptoms of narcolepsy started aged 4/5 and fibromyalgia symptoms started around age 10.

Actually, thinking about it, the first three years and approaching teenage age years are (I read somewhere) the most crucial periods for secure attachments with caregivers. Coincidental that both my health problems began around those ages? I also have GAD and depression

Okay, so I’ll need about a week to read through the comments section with 3 years’ worth of information. ACE score of 8; RESILIENCE score of 6. Chronic health issues. Not thriving, just surviving still in my 50s. I’m also ADOPTED and would love to see integrated information on this, as adoption is trauma in itself. (For example, “your mother loved you”….WHICH ONE? It’s abandonment and being exiled from one’s family of origin. And then if one is adopted into a family that is abusive, alcoholic and dysfunctional, forget it.) Thanks for all who have shared their experiences here, and for the information and resource links that have been posted. Wishing everyone great healing in 2018.

My ACE score was high and my resilience score was good. Alcoholic abusive father. Had a fabulous loving caring mother and one beloved teacher who kept me close and gave me a great deal of attention. Poverty added to the mix. It shows that one great parent and caring people around a kid makes all the difference. On the issue of illness I was sick from babyhood all through my six decades of my life. Added to all those illnesses I developed three more severe illnesses in my sixth decade. I was heading for a slow painful death as my doctors had tried everything to help me. Nothing worked. So I began to do my own research and pieced together the root cause of my illnesses. I came up with a theory and slowly pieced it together. I was Vitamin D and B12 deficient. Modern life does that to most of us on the planet. I requested baseline lab tests to begin with. And studied and order D3 and B12. To my utter surprise, at the dosing formula of 1,000 IU of D3 for every 25 pounds, two of the illnesses disappeared over night (never to return) and the worse illness took two years to slowly and steadily fade and go into “remission” for lack of a better word. I now enjoy the best health I’ve ever had in six decades. While it can’t change the childhood from hell…it certainly saved the autumn of my life. So grateful for quality of health and life. And I’m enjoying every moment. If you want to study evolutionary needs of the human body the web sites I use are: http://www.grassroothealth.net and http://www.vitamindwki.com I suspect, based on my extensive study of the subject, that 50-70% of a wide range of all types of illness would go in to “remission” if everyone got on proper D3 dosing and safe sunshine on the torso.

I scored 10+ and am grateful now that this information exists. The effects/affects of ACEs is so often never discussed behind closed doors, that I lived many horror stories throughout my childhood and now adulthood. It’s almost like after living it so long, it became the norm and then a magnetic force of continued unhealthy decisions and relationships. Ending with death, destruction, damage, distorted views, justice/mental health systems and now beginning from ground zero. Picking up the pieces of my jigsaw puzzled life and sharing my story as the picture unfolds in hopes to help someone else…… Thank you.

I’m a 60 yr old ‘11’ Ace, and a 10 on resiliency a la Viktor Frankl’s paradigm discovered observing the attitudes and actions and resiliancy of those who’s meaning making created ‘recovery’ and personal survival in a concentration camp.

Not saying I’m free of risk and trauma based disease-but I am a survivor and have my health and am on a mission.

This has to get out there in therapist office in courts. My poor children possess 9/10 issues. Ending a 22 yt? Marriage with a sociopath who too was raised in a horrible atmosphere. Is mind boggling. 34 yrs ive searched for a qualified therapist and now I feel we need a forensic therapist. This is horrible yet good info

What if you saw your mother getting raped when you were really little? I had a therapist do EMDR on me and she had to stop because I started freaking out when I began remembering the repressed memory of seeing my mother get raped. I recall that I never had nightmares before that incident, but began having them soon after. I was 4 or 5. Would that count as an ACE?

Childhood illnesses requiring hospitalization, like severe asthma. It is frightening to a 3 yo child when he is struggling with every breath, wondering if he is going to die, then he has to go to the hospital and be neglected for a couple days. His single mom kept smoking IN THE HOUSE anyway. She loved the pity points. Narcissist. No wonder he constantly seeks validation from women. His inner warrior is crushed and no woman is interested in him, he isnt the strong man that women are attracted to. He is used to neglect anyway. Ever alone. Who cares. What does it matter?

The blame and shame you feel do matter and sold be dealt with. If you ever want to reach out and talk, I’m always available. My email is teresinaleonora@gmail.com. I’ve struggled with my own problems and am in a position of understanding with no judgement. Hope to hear from you.
Teresina

Thank you Teresina. I went into therapy recently for PTSD but it turns out I have BPD instead. This is what I’ve been struggling with all these years (I’m 49) and it makes so much sense now. The symptoms didn’t seem to fit initially, but now they do, and I can relate to all the DSM 4 and 5 criteria for BPD. It was frightening at first realization but now I’m OK with it.

My 31-year old daughter was diagnosed with BPD last June, while in a psychiatric hospital for the third time in five months. She was put on psychiatric meds, which had horrible side effects and didn’t control her suicidal depression. She started taking Hardy Nutritionals supplements in July, then went on the ketogenic diet in November. She has been off all meds since October and has been perfectly normal and stable since then, with marked improvement particularly since starting the ketogenic diet. A close friend of hers has recovered from 20,years of anxiety and depression by following the ketogenic diet. I don’t know if it works for everyone and I’m certainly not recommending that anyone get off meds without medical supervision, but just wanted to share that my daughter has had remarkable success with this diet. You might consider trying it, if you’re in a position to do so. Blessings to you on your journey to health and wholeness.

Wow, it’s about time CDC started looking at this, my ACE 7 resiliency 2. I was diagnosed with MS which chronic autoimmune at 23yrs and always suspected its development part of childhood experiences. After reading this its pretty amazing that I am ok, I am a survivor and have found a way to live with these things as a part of me but not defining me. I’m a an ACOA and recovered alcoholic myself and have done a lot of work in counseling to gain awareness and insight. There is a way up and out whatever our experience.

I also have a high ACE number (6), and on my 35th birthday had my first MS flare, that landed me in the hospital and the loss of feeling in the left side of my face. no one in my family has MS, and this came as a shock. Reading some studies on how this can effect the onset of MS is all new to me. I never realized how much my childhood trauma could effect my adult health.

My ace score is a 7, but thank God for my grandma who was always there to help me. However, after she died, I had no one to lean on. I was an adult, but still needed her help. My mom moved out of state and got religion, redeeming her from any past neglect and abuse. I plowed through adulthood, making up for the time I lost in bad situations. It kind of worked, except now I am exhausted and disillusioned and both my adult kids have problems with depression. And on it goes….

Hi Susan, You were so blessed to have your grandma’s love! How do you think she might be of service and love to you even NOW – despite having passed on? If she had such a meaningful impact on your in your childhood, I wonder if you could find a way to access her supportive spirit and store it deep inside of yourself: A north star grandma.

So many people leaving comments! (I only noticed when I had to scroll all the way down!). To read some many relatable stories feels good (understood). ACE score of 7 (and a half? not sure of one). It made me chuckle to realise than if my parents would have divorced I would have had one more point, but maybe I would be more sane too. Resilience was 9 (although keep in mind that to tick the last 3 questions it may mean that you don’t have a choice really). I have not done too bad in life, all things considered, although in the last years I think things are crumbling down and not sure how bad it can get.

Same here on the divorce comment. I actually recall raising the issue with my parents when I was in the 4th grade. Then they asked me which of them I would choose if they did divorce (an alcoholic mother or abusive father). I didn’t respond.

When my parents divorced, the courts asked me who I wanted to live with… I said my grandma… they wouldn’t allow it… so I picked my dad since he lived with my grandma… it’s hard to choose between to bad situations.

My ACE is a 9 and my resilience is a 7 I’m only 17 but I think these things we’ve gone through as children are meant to make us stronger adults we must think about the feelings and behaviors of others and use those things to our advantage ,if you don’t you’ll let the statistics get into your head and convince you of how your life is going to be and you can’t do that you gotta trust God his plan is divine and perfect

Hey, your outlook is great. My ACE score is a 7, I just turned 40 and happy to say I am well employed, have a great family, and my 2 kids have an ACE of Zero so far! Keep your amazing attitude, trust God, and keep changing the outcome.

Well said. I am 40 and my ACES is 7 too, my resilience score is 4. But I am not ill, alcoholic or drug addict. There is a reason statistics show percentages, because there is always us outlying people the ones who clearly could be a statistic but are not. At 17 you are in an amazing time of life where things can and will get hard, but you don’t have to let that stop you. Embrace the hard know it is going hurt and it will end. Use your resilience to keep trying life gets better. Any opportunity you have for education take it, you will not regret learning.

I am glad i stumbled across this blog my ace is 5 resilience is 4 i am now 61 years old and now after years of self abuse and addiction i am in therapy but it’s taken 1 year of week after week to get an understanding of the normalcy of my behaviors. for 50 years my feelings and emotions were overwhelming me. i plan to keep in touch with blog perhaps this will help hold back the tears and emotional overloads.

Being miserable for extended periods, especially early in life, causes mental illnesses. Human DNA changes how it responds to different environments (epigenetics) which can lead to severe mental illnesses under stressful circumstances. Too many people are still centuries behind the science on what genes really do and how flexible they really are. Here’s a good article on it, though I would also recommend watching the National Geographic video called “Stress: Portrait of a Killer” and if you are really interested in what makes people damaged a book called “Born Anxious.”

Hi Paul.
Thanks for the link and references. I’ll bet you have a valid point on this.
As I see it, science is moving all the time and what we perceived as the truth just a decade ago, is now behind us. At least in some way.
The need to view the individual more holistically and taking for instance food and exercising into account has become more evident in my opinion. But hey, it still depends on who you ask as psychiatry and psychology is still two seperate fields.

That said, the point you are making is great as it in my opinion must be evident, that the environment in which we grow up, must have a huge impact on the way we develop as humen beings.

My origional point was about the way we are (and have) treated many children and also adults with the easy fix without regarding for instance the home environment and the way children are raised.
We put the “blame” on the individual and regard them as broken. Instead of taking into account that our society might be broken or at least, the families where the broken children are raised, are broken.

Amen brother! Our whole society is broken. We live in ways that are so counter to our nature we damage ourselves and each other every day. Schools are the worst, because the damage they cause messes people up for life. But too many people seem to prefer shaming and blaming each other rather than solving problems, or flunking and firing rather than making something that works for everyone and not just the super rich. The thing about epigenetics is big. Humans have mostly just assumed that people are what they are because they were born that way, and they can never be changed. Nothing could be further from the truth, but its a lie that has a lot of useful purposes, especially for the rich and powerful. The more you know about humans work, the better you will be able to handle your life. But then, when you see what is wrong all around you and nobody listens or cares, it can get pretty frustrating.

I have to agree with you Paul. In some cases, schools are damaging children as much as, or more, than their families. For example, a policy in some schools (eg Iowa) of sending children into “seclusion rooms” for a time out. Find a clip about this and you will be horrified… Ghastly. Broken almost beyond repair; the children as much as the schools.

ACE = 5, Resilience = 4 I have been a driven overachiever all my life, two failed marriages, I raised 2 kids and was super aware that they should not suffer the neglect I did, they are fine. I am older now retired and am crashing, depressed and sore, not much sleep and without direction. Finally knowing why helps and my therapist is helping but I often have days at a time of sad depression. Is there any non-pharmaceutical remedy? I react badly to most medication.

Hi, Bett: Exercise, meditation (or mindfulness), good nutrition, social interaction with healthy people, volunteer work, enough sleep. For more on the effects of these and other ways to reduce stress and feel better, you can read Childhood Disrupted: How Your Biography Becomes Your Biology and How You Can Heal, by Donna Jackson Nakazawa.

There is a possibility that you could be affected by the amount of light you are getting. Does it seem to you like you are more down in the winter than the summer (or vice versa?) I have something called Seasonal Affective Disorder, where my brain chemistry goes out of whack all through fall and winter, though there is a spring/summer version. It’s pretty uncommon, but around 20% of people have a lesser version of this (subsyndromal SAD) where lack of light depresses their mood somewhat, and you can have this and other conditions at the same time, so exposure to more light could help a bit. Try spending extra time outdoors to see if it helps before investing the money in a therapy lamp.

I agree with Jane.. and would definitely recommend a reading of Donna’s book. She covers so much ground! It helped me make more sense of my past, empowered me in realizing that I am so FAR from existing alone in this warped headspace. Yoga too has been a real godsend to me. Writing, making art / free form painting have been invaluable too.

I started doing something called Metta meditation after I was diagnosed with SAD last February. Sleep has always been a huge problem, and this time last year it had dropped to around 2 hours a night, which no doubt was a huge part of why I ended up in the hospital. I started doing Metta in April or May, and it didn’t seem to do much at first, but after a few months I was falling asleep faster and it was damping down the racing thoughts. It’s very simple. I just lie in bed, close my eyes, and imagine the faces of people I know. While imagining them, I think the words, “May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you be safe, may you be peaceful and at ease.” When I first started I was imagining dozens and dozens of people and still not getting to sleep, but now I can barely get through my mom, wife and kids before I’m out like a light. Unfortunately it doesn’t stop me from waking up at 3 in the morning. There are lots of good web sites out there to explain how it works. Just keep in mind that rewiring your brain can take months, so stick with it.

If you can find the discipline to get at least three days a week of aerobic exercise for 30 min, get off the screens, meditate/have a spiritual outlet, eat high protein foods, connect emotionally with friends/loved ones on the regular- these things really do help. But gotta do the exercise! Game changer.

Lea, I’m with you on the exercise! Yoga’s been my default spiraling-depression-fighting remedy for years. Swimming (= meditation) and walking too: A walk in fresh air can do wonders for the brain and (healing) heart.

As a recovering OCD (of the “germophobe” variety) with a high ACE and a low resilience, I can suggest only what has been working for me. Exercise and social engagement, yes, but most effectively in my case is:
(1) evaluating/accepting what caused the issue in the first place–this just takes time and meditative self-honesty
(2) getting clear on what I want to achieve–crucial for the positive sense of mission and purpose in recovering (I find “volunteer work” way too generic, and therefore not motivational as a personal mission). What can I add to my life, so that I can use that power to add to others’? How shall I do this in a way that expands myself and lives my specific values?
(3) considering how the problem blocks what I want to achieve
(4) making an action plan with specific incremental tasks and goals, and being able to measure (or at least concretely assess) my progress.
(5) acting on that plan daily–no matter how small, it counts. keep a log–write it down, so you can count the hit and miss days.

My score was 5. Addict, alcholic, ex smoker, ADD, PTSD, GAD, major depression, take meds,
permiscuious at 15, not able to make long term commitments, constantly moving, etc.
But what in the hell does my having been raped have to do with the trauma related response of my life?

Honestly, i saw the tedmed video for the first time and was brought to tears. Finally someone was trying to understand children and adults who went through things no one should go through. I always wasn’t told i was crazy or it was me and i couldn’t blame who i was on my past. I knew i wasn’t the only one, and this study has opened my eyes to that. I wish there were people to talk to, a hotline, email or even a place to go to talk with someone who specializes in aces. Someone who finally understands why i am the way i am!

I’ve been fighting these alone for so long. And I’m glad they have this study but i also feel as if it can be expanded and improved tramendously. There needs to be someone people can ask for help or discuss their aces with professionals, until then most of us will still struggle in silent.

A lot of people are integrating ACEs science into their work now, Courtney. If you want to find out more, check out ACEsConnection.com, which is a social network for people who are integrating ACEs. There are more than 18,000 members so far, and growing.

Courtney: I understand! And I believe / trust that there are millions of others (out there, somewhere, maybe still coping with bottomless shame or fear) who would understand you too. I also hope that more resources and services will materialize in a short time.. That TED video had the same impact on me too. Sending support and appreciation from afar.

ACE score of 7 with 3 resilience. Basically destroyed my chances of maintaining a relationship, all exes complain about me being too cold and distant because I can’t trust anybody and I hear my fathers voice in my head and the pain in my scars once again whenever someone tries to control or nag at me in home.
Can’t fix the problem either since therapy costs money and I live in poverty, I guess the good thing is women don’t like poor single men anyway so theres no point trying to fix an unfixable problem. Just have to accept the fact I’m damaged goods forever and I’m going to die alone. If it weren’t for my dream goals in my job I probably would have ended it long ago. And when I’m having bad memories or nightmares again, single solitary Friday night with a beer and a computer doesn’t seem all that bad, at least I’m free now to do what I want. I bet I’m going to be one of those weird lonely hermits with weird hidden projects when I grow older.

My score was 7 too, I’m sure we have different reasons but i cant help but feel like i didn’t stand a chance. I was secretly hoping i would get a lower score than i was expecting like somehow that would make me not as bad as i thought i was. i ruin everything i touch, I’m like a poison to everything around me. So sorry you feel the way you do.

I just wanted to say that it is never to late for change. Also, your ACE score, Resiliency score does not define who you are. Seek out interventions for yourself, so that you as an individual can live a happier life. My ACE score is 6 and resiliency score is 2. I was raised by a single mom with schizophrenia and experienced a broad range of sexual assault both as a child and in my time in the military. Statistics have me set out to live out my life in misery and failure. I refuse to accept that and have been through years of counseling and do my best to live a healthy productive life. I can’t say my life is perfect but I can say its a heck of a lot better than it use to be.

You’re right Bridgette, there might be free counselors around.. but from my experience, there just aren’t enough practitioners around – paid or free – who are informed about ACEs. My feeling is that it’s important to look for someone with that kind of training FIRST and only then sort out payment (or if possible, gratis).

You have options.https://www.buzzfeed.com/annaborges/affordable-therapy?utm_term=.vh8xR5WWd#.bgAOZRDDr
Please seek reduced cost/free therapy and begin to help yourself. I understand where you are, but there really always is hope. Please find it. There are support groups everywhere, for every ACE on the list and more. There are places of worship that offer counseling, state/municipal programs, there is so much and so many people out there that want to help. Please ask.

My ACE score was 6, which worried me but my resilience score was 13. I actually had and still have a lot of love around me. I realise now that it’s what saved me so many times and what keeps me going still.

My number sits at 9. I’ve been aware of my emotional turmoils for quite a while now. I’ve had to overcome BPD, PTSD, Depression and anxiety, but I still deal with so many chronic health issues and most doctors don’t have answers for

Your chronic conditions and symptoms are ALL caused by your ACEs, and they’re all manifestations of your dysregulated nervous system. It’s a shame – and no surprise – the doctors can’t help you. The sooner YOU align yourself to that view, the quicker you’ll improve. Find ways that will help you. I for example work with TRE – trauma releasing exercises. Look it up on line, on youtube, and try to find a listed practitioner to get you started. Good luck with everything. Raymond Lambert

As the preface to the questionnaire says:Of course, there are many other types of childhood trauma — such as witnessing a sibling being abused, witnessing violence outside the home, witnessing a father being abused by a mother, being bullied by a classmate or teacher – but only 10 types were measured. They provide a useful marker for the severity of trauma experienced. Other types of trauma may have a similar impact.

A personal ACE score of 5 which is bad but not as bad as others. I did score very high on the emotional abuse part of this test. As I’m reading this the parallels between the score and some things I’ve been doing in my life. Even being clean and sober likely saved my ass from experiences far worse. How many others were not so fortunate?

My resilience score for childhood was 4 but it’s now 11! I bounced back quite well I can really only attribute that to having stayed clean via 12 steps and eventually learning to start asking questions (Even hard ones) and doing what was necessary to make changes. Even at 32 years clean it’s become clear that more changes are still necessary

Yes I found the necessary first step is obtaining sustained sobriety from alcohol, tranquilizers, other mood-altering drugs. Once that step is in place, the sky is the limit as to self-growth and optimal wellbeing. For many of us, that first step is never cemented, which is a real shame. So much contentment on the other side, but so hard to conceive it is actually there for you!

I self-righteously relied on beer, pot (when younger), and doctor-subscribed “tools” (e.g., valium, etc.) from age 14-60. Finally saw the light- quit all that. Now rely on keto diet, exercise, meditation. Now OK with fitting in, not bucking the system and swimming upstream all of the time. Didn’t use 12-step per se but its a fine way to do it. (My deeply-ingrained outsider self-image (due to 9 aces, I think) all but precluded group involvement; but more importantly, and I was sufficiently sick of the daily 3-4 beers and pills that I had no problem dumping them.)

Anyway, I wish I had figured this stuff out much sooner, but I’m very glad I finally DID figure it out.

I work in the film and TV industry. I wanted to go into it when I was much younger (A little over a year clean) But there was such an emotional and living issue with me that it took me my entire 20’s to figure it out and work through all the issues before I finally got into it.

It’s available for free viewing until the 20th. But it covers the abuse of teenage boys in Hollywood in the 90’s. WHICH oddly enough would’ve been around the time I was agonizing about getting into the industry.

You get those moments once in a while, those “Holy fuck did I ever dodge a bullet” moment. There would’ve been no way I would’ve been able to go through what these boys went through and stayed clean. That’s not to say that there weren’t pedos in the program, and I always looked older than I actually was. But right at this moment, I’m feeling more than a little grateful that I did wait until I into my 30’s. It’s still a tough nut to crack and I’m leaning much towards the internet now than I was a couple of years ago.

I can tell you with a straight face that there wouldn’t have been any way that I would’ve made it through this clean and sober, much less alive. Even at my age I got told a few times that if I was willing to put my body out there my progress would’ve been a whole smoother. And I’m talking Vancouver here not Hollywood!

Recovery and being clean and sober saves you from much more than you might realize.

My ace is 9 and resilience 2. I have always suffered with tonsillitis, glandular fever, sinus problems and recently had my gall bladder removed. I can relate to a lot in the descriptive text. I always felt that I had the energy sucked out of me from my experiences. I still suffer with sinus and neuralgia problems but the specialist told me there is nothing wrong with me. I have been given amitriptaline by my doctor and been put back on the shelf basically.

I think this article is spot on. Can I really overcome these issue for real? I have managed to get through life by putting all this trauma to the side and just surviving and trying to be positive. These experiences have scarred me, but it is a relief to just type this and know that someone will read this…

I read it, all of it. I know what you mean by having the vitality sucked out of your life. And th einterest, and the colors, so much more.

Amitriptaline (spelling?) is a tricyclic, isn’t it? Tricyclics are known for having horrible side effects – dry mouth, feeling like a zombie, weight gain, sleeping 12 hours, weird dreams. There are newer drugs that have far fewer side effects. They are called SSRI’s – Prozac was the first one, but there are lots of others.

You might want to discuss this with your doc and ask him for a referral to a psychiatrist. I’m on one of the later ones, Wellbutrin, and it has helped sooo much. It doesn’t change my past, but it gives me energy to deal with it in a much healthier way than I did before. I find it a real blessing

I also have a high ACE score and chronic health concerns. Please google Joshua Bloom, Quantum Energy Transformation. I took a class with him, but he has free interviews and free content on his web site. I used a simple breathing technique that he taught in an interview to fix my sleep problems, for instance. It’s a quick two-three minute routine that helps me sleep properly each night. You may also find help in the work of Irene Lyon and I forget his name, the guy who is an expert in Somatic Experiencing. Dr. Peter something or other.

Thank you for your reply and advice. I will review the info that you have given.

I have tried a variety of resources over the years from acupuncture, healing, reiki and also understanding the flow of energy in and out of our boddies to the way we all manipulate for energy (control dramas).

I have also downloaded a book that uses a ‘tapping technique’ to heal oneself.

I have an ACE score of 9 – but a resilience score of 12. People are always amazed when they know my life story and know me now as an adult and professional. One caring adult is all it takes. Mortifying childhood – thriving adult life. It is possible.

My ACE score is 3 but my resilience score is 2. My childhood abuse was mainly emotional abuse with some physical abuse. I suffer from acute clinical depression, anxiety and minor OCD. I have nonalcoholic fatty liver disease, Crohns disease, hypothyroidism (Hoshimoto’s) and I am type 2 diabetic. I also go through boughts of insomnia. I have a hard time with my relationships in life. I’m sometimes too eager to find friendship or love that I end up allowing the wrong people in, which just starts the cycle over again. Fortunately I don’t seem to have an addictive personality, so I don’t drink. I did smoke for awhile but quite many, many years ago.

I feel for you. I have a difficult time keeping friends as an adult, I can make them but find it somewhat exhausting to maintain friendships. I’m so glad people are starting to understand that emotional abuse is just as harmful as physical abuse and also how important that resilience score is. Hope things improve your way!

Not shocked at all to find that I have an ACES score of 8 and resilience score of 2 (perhaps 3). I was placed for adoption at birth but was not adopted until the age of 2 by parents who were ill equipped to raise children: my dad was an alcoholic, my mother was emotionally neglectful who did not understand that other people existed outside of her, and intergenerational trauma with both of my parents that impacted my family daily (my grandfather was a horribly abusive man who controlled the whole family and who my mother feared and felt compelled to have a relationship with.)

Oh, I should say that the resilience score was based on my childhood. If I were to base it off now, I would get a 10. I still have that hole in me and the negative voices that whisper “you aren’t really good enough” but I have been quite successful (once I got over the under-achievement.) I was fortunate to find people who believed in me and saw the pain. They said “you need help.” That was 30 years ago, and I reached out for it. I still wonder if I am worth it but I remind myself that my brain lies to me. 🙂

By the way, I tried to find the Facebook group but cannot find it. Can anyone help?

I have an ACE score of 5 and resilience of 2. I’m SO grateful for this site and the information shared here. Your stories make me feel less alone.

I want to recommend a private and free site called weave that enables you to share your story in a trusted environment. It’s a great way to share and find solutions to your health issues due to ACE’s. weave the people dot com dot au or http://weavethepeople.com.au

No surprise, I scored a perfect 10 on the ACE. I haven’t taken the resilience portion yet, but since I can’t remember years of my childhood, I’m likely to answer “not sure.” We’ll see. Thank God for helping me improve my life and deal with all of my childhood traumas. I’m definitely a survivor but it took years of hard work on myself. Getting to my core….peeling away the layers of onions and having memories restored.

I got a 4 or 5 on the ACE score, but a 12 or 13 on resilience. An alcoholic father, a mom who was often fairly depressed(who wouldn’t be in that situation?). I got allergies, poor eyesight, asthma, bronchitis, sinus problems, ulcerative colitis, gastric reflux, rheumatism. Everybody in the family was quite intelligent. School, self discipline, stubborness or perhaps focus, a religious upbringing, Catholic schools, parents who tried to do right despite their problems, all contributed to all three of us children having pretty successful happy lives.

The only really traumatic experience I remember was in first year college. My mom woke me up early one morning asking me to go check on my father. He had died in his sleep from cirrhosis at only 58. It was very strange to feel a cold body and have to console my Mom and help her.

Thank you for sharing your story Phil. Please be aware that you have and increased risk for one of the many autoimmune diseases if you don’t seek help in resolving this memory. It actually changes your brain chemistry and wiring. The “behind the scenes” damage that is happening in your body via your immune system and stress response center will cause physical breakdown. You can reverse this by finding an ENERGY MEDICINE modality that you like to work with. I personally use Emotional Freedom Techniques – tapping as my modality of choice. My ACE score was 6/10, anxiety and gut issues were a huge problem, I have now gainied control over them and living a much happier and healthier life. Please consider finding a practitioner that you like to work with to assist you through the process. It is extremely effective. More info can be found on http://www.emofree.com, http://www.eftuniverse.com, http://www.thetappingsolution.com, http://www.tappingouttrauma.com It is a gentle technique with incredibly positive results! Be well!!

My score is 6 on Aces and 9 for resilience. I believe finding my soul mate at 16 made a big difference in how my life turned out. I’ve achieved many life goals, my most prized the mom of 4 beautiful daughters.

Hi Lisa! Taking the time to examine your “Energy/Emotional health” by finding the baseline through the ACE and Resilience Assessments are the first step. By the GRACE of GOD you got the message to go look. Now, I’d like to gift to you more information on “clearing the negative energy” that is stuck in your body and soul. I believe GOD sent your message through this site to share what I have found to deal with my ACE score of 6/10. Emotional Freedom Techniques – tapping aka EFT. I use it daily to maintain balance and self-regulation because I used to be regularly “triggered” with and without explanation. EFT has you acknowledge the issue, accept it, release the negative sensation or discomfort. The “issue is in the tissue” and you have the POWER to RELEASE it when you have the right tools at your disposal. With your score of 10/10, I strongly recommend you find a EFT Practitioner that has skills in assisting individuals through “trauma”. Different sites like http://www.emofree.com, http://www.eftuniverse.com, http://www.aametinternational.org, http://www.thetappingsolution.com are all excellent resources with explanations, videos and support. May you find the PEACE and HAPPINESS that you deserve. I am currently continuing my education to achieve INTERNATIONAL CERTIFICATION with AAMET. Find people who are CERTIFIED from these websites I mentioned. You will be amazed at how much more open you will be to LIFE!

I’m in my 50’s now, a few years ago I started finally understanding why I am how I am and why my sister and I react so sensitively to stress. My mother is a covert Narcissist, my poor dad had an avoidant type personality. He meant well, my mother made life awful sometimes. We were middle to lower middle class. My mother did not prioritize our finances well, she had eating disorders, seemed to be depressed, our home was usually dirty and her hygiene needed help. I was generally neglected physically and emotionally, but never physical abuse. Sexual abuse by older men, like date rapes. Nothing was encouraged, no celebrations, nobody ever hugged, touched or said “I love you”.

I used to wonder how other people who had worse situations still often became successful. Later in life I took college courses, and did a research paper on this topic. Basically I learned that if you had at least one truly supportive person, you can get often persevere despite having a bad home environment. Both my parents and lots of family (aunts, uncles, cousins) growing up for support and my mother had teachers that intervened on her behalf. My parents do not have the health issues that my sister and I have at our younger ages. Unfortunately I had no extended family (that I ever met) my parents kept me isolated. In 3rd grade I had a teacher intervene, but otherwise I was also ignored in school.We didn’t go to church, my mother hates God and religion. Once in a while I was lucky to find a friend that had a great family and they took me on a vacations.

I truly believe that if I had just one more positive score in the Resilience questionnaire, a trusted relative, teacher, or neighbor I would have been more successful in a career and have better health. My sister became ill with an autoimmune disease in her early 20’s, she gets anxiety easily. I developed panic attacks in my teens, had insomnia since I was about 7 years old. I’ve had lots of muscle and joint pain since my 30’s and it seems that every time I try to get into a more physically demanding exercise routine, my body shuts down after two weeks – it just can’t take it. Thankfully I have no chronic disease except for glaucoma. However my brain feels damaged – it cannot respond normally to stress, it goes into overdrive and does not shut down. I’ve tried to explain to doctors that intellectually I understand I should not have panic or insomnia – but the brain overrides my reasoning.
What helps is articles like this one, meditation, prayer, getting a great dog and spending a lot of time outdoors with her, and eating well of course.

There is a good book called “Collateral Damage: the impacts of my mother’s mental illness on me,” written by Cate Grace and available on Amazon. It’s an amazing story of growing up with parental mental illness and the sequelae of that. It is easy to read and she shows us, rather than lectures to us, about what happened to her, as well as her insights into addressing the damage. It may help to deal with a high ACEs, particularly around the issue of mental illness in the childhood home (which she refers to as an invader in her home).

Hi Rachel! Thank you for sharing your story. You have more options available to heal the trauma you have stuck in your body. Look at http://www.eftuniverse.com for a practitioner that is certified in working with clients with similar stories to yours. You are not alone and I hope you know there is support available. EFT is an incredibly powerful energy healing modality. With a certified practitioner you will experience positive change. Feeling healthier, reduce and dissolve physical pain. I know it to be true as my ACE score was 6/10 … I used tapping to dissolve my chronic hip pain … turns out I was holding anger from not speaking up for myself.
All I can say .. it works … give yourself the gift of freedom from all the emotional blocks that are stuck at a cellular level. The POWER lies within you. You just have to TAP into your story and begin to release the layers of pain.

My sister, brother and I have a similar experience being neglected physically and emotionally, there was some emotional abuse but never physical. I had insomnia since I was a child and later on developed depression and anxiety. I managed to finish college and now am looking for a job. I also feel like my brain is damaged in a way and that I will never be as my friends. But I am glad that I was able to grow emotionally with the help of my friends and boyfriend. I started REBT therapy and I find it very helpful for my emotional problems. Best of luck to you!

Thanks for the reply! Interesting about the pattern of insomnia and anxiety. My older sister has that too. If I ever need another Ambien (took my last one 8 years ago) this is something I can refer my doctor to, I feel like the docs think I was a drug addict when I had very bad insomnia and requested a some sleeping pills.

I scored an 8 but i dont have anything to compare to the sad stories here. I know im lucky for this but how could i score so high yet feel like im just whining to myself compared to people who scored a 4… One of my favorite speakers constantly brings the ACE up and that’s the only reason why i chose to take the test. Im more confused now than before my curiosity got the better of me. And im whining again.

As abuse victims, a lot of us learn to be harsh on ourselves through the behavior of our parents towards us. We believe we deserve to feel bad about ourselves, and as a coping mechanism (at least for me, I can’t speak about other people’s experiences), we tend to think we are over reacting, when in fact our feelings are justified. I would abuse myself (and on most days continue to do so) because I thought that if I hurt myself then I would become numb to other people hurting me (which worked, but had major problems once it stopped working).
You aren’t whining for getting a high score. I also got an 8. You fit the criteria for a lot of the questions, so you do have some traumatic/adverse experiences that have happened in your life.
You deserve to speak about your past and your feelings without feeling like you’re over reacting. Don’t forget to factor in your resilience as well.
I wish the best for you joe. I hope you learn and grow and hopefully one day come to terms with everything. I believe in you

My dad sexually molested and terrorized me and my brother for years, my mom ignored all the signs. Both parents were mentally ill; my dad was a rage volcano and my mom was OCD personified. Felt for most of my life that I wasn’t loved or safe at home. The words ‘I love you’ were always pretty empty to me, since we said it constantly to one another despite all the shit. We were always very isolated. I can count on one hand the number of times I was ever allowed to have friends over. My dad didn’t even have any friends. Relatives rarely talked to us, and when we made contact with them, it was mostly just awkward.

I’m gonna add another point though in the spirit of #8. I got into drugs and alcohol at 12 and ended up as a heroin addict. Am now about 10 months clean. Substance use and the violent, turbulent, lonely lifestyle that accompanied it pretty much shaped my life from an early age. I’d argue that fits into at least the spirit of the ACE scoring method.

My resilience score was 7/14, though I’m leery of this because several of the questions deal with my opinion on my parents and I’m told I have a tendency to be overly forgiving towards both of them. Even after acknowledging that they’re responsible for damaging me, I still feel guilty saying they didn’t love me.

Either way, the important part here is that I am still alive, and I’m now surrounded by people who are helping me heal. ❤

10 months clean!!! That is so wonderful. I think that if you stay in the program, you will find kind people and slowly learn how to relate to clean, healthy people. I wouldn’t worry about how much you forgive or hold your parents responsible, but just focus on yourself. As you learn all these new things, you will see them in a different, more realistic, light. You won’t have to work on this, it will just happen.

62 now. Two years spent figuring it all out. Ace 9 Res 3. Father grandiose violent alcoholic. Mother personality-disordered with ocd, anxiety, depression. Became outwardly aggressive and violent to others by 1st grade. Broke coke bottle over rock and made neighbor drink it- big mouth gashes. Chased a kid thru the classroom with an open jackknife. Never brought to doctor for behavior, No supervision or discipline at home for anything ever. Only rule was “get out of the apt and leave me alone.” Worked from 14-present. By 7th grade my acquaintances were fun-loving but over-the-line mischievous. By 9th grade, all in NY reform schools. My German grandfather promised juvenile judge we were moving out of state shortly so no need to confine. Moved 14 times in 18 years. Father NYC salesman rarely came to apt anyway but deserted when I was 14. He gave me his old union books from car window, I turned around saw mother screaming for me while breathing into a paper bag to stop hyper-ventilating. I thought, this is going to get even worse. It did. Started smoking and drinking at 14. Drugs at 15. Addicted to valium at 19. Started drinking too much. Made it through college and law school. Had a good run litigating for consumers- I knew all the business tricks, Have always been an outsider, though. Can’t connect to others. Have an anti-social streak. See authority, leaders, social-climbing, joining groups, as alien and childish behavior. See all of existence as if I’m an observer from another planet. I don’t get depressed, though. Never could figure out what was wrong with me. Quit drinking a few years ago, but never missed it. I only enjoyed a few beers if I could mix it with a prescribed painkiller left over from something. Went to AA a coupe dozen times, tried to relate but couldn’t. Have had ADs prescribed, but I react badly- panicky. Could never describe to the psychiatrist what the problem was! Now I meditate twice daily, 60 mins aerobics most days, and these things help. Not all that much, really. Will try tapping and EMDR.

I read the best way to become a good Buddhist (disciplined meditator) is to have a rotten childhood. So true.

Hi Ed … really glad to read you are continuing to find ways to release the negative charge to the emotions that are stuck in your body at a cellular level. EMDR and TAPPING are two really effective methods to use. It is a PROCESS. I’m not overly versed on EMDR but have known people that found it truly effective. I do know more about tapping and can share that you will be releasing in layers, the more often you tap, the more layers will release as the tapping points are connected to your internal organs and all of your cells. By tapping you “vibrate” the meridian connected to the “emotional block” which will release whatever you are ready to release. Be well, you are well on your way to be a “beacon of light” in this awful story that was bestowed upon you. As well, you may gain some insight into the behaviour of your parents. They must have lived through some pretty awful stuff to “dump it all on you”. In tapping with my Mom, I was able to understand the “hell” she went through as a 17 y.o. in WWII. Everything started to fall into place and I gained a whole new understanding of her life and how it intertwined with mine. Healing at all levels and ages. It can be done. I am living proof!! Keep going!!!

Ed, your salutation made me laugh out loud…to be “a good Buddhist” all you need is a “rotten childhood.” The irony is refreshing. Continue your journey because the destination is the same for everyone. Namaste’

A lot of inspiration in everyone’s stories. Maybe I’ll feel a little better if I tell mine. I hope no one minds. I’ve thought a number of times that I should go to talk to someone. My biggest fear is that I’ll take part in some therapy and get to the end of my story and feel worse than I do now. Or, maybe it will feel like my last option has been used up. I like having that one option left. I scored a 6. I’m 42 years old and have been a songwriter my entire adult life. I say this because I think I used the pain from my ACE “to my advantage” in my art for a long time. That time has passed. I don’t care about looking cool or writing good songs these days. Although, I wish I could in a healthy way. I really just want to be a great husband and parent. I am married to the woman of my dreams and we have a 2 year old with another on the way. This is my second marriage. The 1st (short) marriage was to a woman who was great. I was really drawn to how “together” she had it and forgot that being TRULY in love was a pre-requisite to marriage. We’re still acquainted through work circles. I have a really nice life. I have travelled and met wonderful people. I’m in the top 1% income and still cannot be proud or satisfied. I have always found myself to be absolutely unattractive even though I know part of my success is due, in part, to my physical appearance. That said, I’ve gained quite a bit of weight in the last few years while in my current funk. My wife and I left a major metro and we bought a farm in a small town. I love it here. We all love it here. But, I recognize that I’m also still running from my problems. I’m completely unwilling/unable to finish projects anymore. I mean, all I have to do is write and record music. It’s not like I have to sweat or risk injury. NOT hard work. Still, nothing. I have always had suicide in the back of my mind but, now I think of suicide every couple of days, if not every day, on bad stretches. I’m in no place to actually attempt suicide. I love my wife, our son, and most parts of my life. I just wish that I could feel like I deserve all of the good in my life. I hate feeling like a loser or like I’m “getting away” with success. Like someone in the back of the room is going to stand up and say “Hey! Wait a minute. You’re not supposed to be here!” My father was very abusive, physically and emotionally. My mother was detached and depressed. I know she loved/loves me but I believed her issues got in the way of being the best mother she could be. When I was 12, I told my mom that I had just had a fleeting thought of jumping out of the second story window, onto my head, from our house. I was really freaked out by it. Instead of comforting me, my mother tried to relate to me by telling about how an angel intervened in her own suicide attempt years earlier. Really messed my head up. No kid likes to think that their parent is trying to bail on them. My parents divorced when I was an infant then remarried after my younger brother was born. I was only made aware of this a couple of years ago by my sweet grandmother… on accident. My father was in the military and we moved around which really made me more ashamed of who I was because I really had no escape to grandparents/cousins/longstanding friends. Every year that passed, I felt more and more insecure and I was sure that anyone new that I met could tell that I was a s*itty human just by looking at me. I regularly hid bruises by being the last to change in the locker room etc. My brother was treated completely differently than I was by our father. My brother was spanked but never beaten. It seems like I was only beaten. In our conversations about things as adults my brother confirms that he wasn’t beaten. I had no sexual trauma from my family. Although, a neighbor girl who was 13-14 made me touch her vagina and “mess around” several times when I was 6. I’m sure that’s had some effect. But, I don’t really recall it as traumatizing. Just really weird. Lots of beatings and verbal abuse. “You’re retarded… You little piece of sh*t… worthless f*ck…” etc. I was told that I was stupid so often by my father. I’ve always known I was bright. Both of my parents are intelligent. I was diagnosed with ADD at 10. They might’ve been right. Maybe not. I’m not sure how I feel about it. I was just always bored in school. Especially, as time went on. My mom tried to leave my dad a few times. Each time, she would leave my brother and I with my father. Which was THE last place I wanted to be. Especially with no one to police his actions. My parents divorced again when I was 14. We had to choose who we were going to live with. It was a tough choice for my brother. Not for me. I have only seen my dad once since my parents divorced. It was a chance run-in. No birthday or Christmas cards. No phone calls. I sometimes think that having an abusive father for a few more years would’ve been better than no father at all through my teens. I walk around knowing that my mom tried to leave (through running and suicide) when I was young and my father succeeded in leaving. I deal with feeling as though I don’t deserve to be happy, or have nice things, or loving relationships. I’ve never been able to enjoy the moment. I’m always concocting some huge plan for the future. I have actually left every vacation I’ve ever been on early to get back to working on a project. Seeing as though I can’t finish anything lately, it all seems like hot air. My relationships with men are one of two scenarios; complete adversaries or father-figures who I want to be proud of me. It’s really embarrassing when I catch myself doing it. I don’t drink anymore. I smoke a little marijuana to fall asleep most nights. Never during the day. No other drugs anymore. I quit smoking cigarettes at 40 when my wife became pregnant. I miss it every day. I feel completely guilty for living such a wonderful life and not enjoying it. I hope that all of my efforts to be a good father will work out. I hope my health doesn’t fail me before I can leave a lasting positive impression on my children. I hope that there’s no heaven and surely, no hell. I don’t want to remember who I was and how I felt, in this world, for eternity. Good luck and thank you to everyone who reads this.

Thank you for telling your story. I hope that you understanding why you feel the way you do is a door to peace. I, too, had suicidal thoughts for years when my life looked pretty good from the outside. As you can see from all the comments, people resolve their pasts in different ways. My only suggestion would be to find what works for you. You didn’t get what you needed as a child, and you aren’t carrying the story that healthy children carry: That your mom and dad were thrilled that you were born, that they loved you unconditionally with all their hearts and still do, that they cared for you and watched out for you and thought about you every minute of the day because you’re amazing and oh so lovable. For those of us who didn’t get that, we have to learn to provide that for ourselves every single day, in words and deeds, and surround ourselves with friends and family who love us.

The brain is a very flexible organ. It is possible to change horrible childhood experiences to just fact without any electrical charge or negative feelings. You just have to decide to work with someone …. help is available … by writing your story in this forum … you have made the first step … keep going … YOU have the POWER to HEAL this! Much love and support!

I think you can see the connection, how your father set you up to feel you don’t deserve anything good in life. So you feel guilty that you have a life that others would be delighted with. It’s like the contrast between your life and what you feel on the inside makes things even worse. It’s heart-breaking how those lies in childhood continue to torment us.

It may be true that if you start talking about things you will feel worse, at least initially. I think it’s because that coming face to face with all the trauma hurts far more than running from it in one way or another. You won’t have the band aids that you found as you went along. But if you sit with the feelings they change. And when you truly believe deep down that what your father told you about yourself were all lies, you will feel so much lighter and more whole.

Have you considered antidepressants? Granted they don’t work for everybody, but if they do, it is such a relief. It’s not a sign of weakness to take them. Being beaten down so long changed the chemistry in your brain, and they work by getting it almost where it should be. Then you can tackle the real problems without feeling suicidal, worthless, or guilty.

I was depressed all my life until I was given antidepressants in my ’40’s. They were the early ones, which had terrible side effects. The next generation of antidepressants were much, much better. Now I am on one called Wellbutrin, which has really changed my life. Another thing that changed my life was remembering a whole lot of things that happened that I had stuffed down because it wasn’t safe to let anybody know about them. I am almost 80 and happy, happier than I have ever been.

I wish the same transformation for you, but much earlier in your life!!!

I’d like to gently challenge you on one point, Jean, in the interest of IF WISHES WERE HORSES… I believe coming face to face with all the trauma hurts far less than running away from it. The thing is, the trauma is hurting us all the while we are running away from it, and when we are running away from it the ways we run away also hurt us, and the self-judgement and shame hurt us too. The fear of facing the past also hurts. It sure looks like IF WISHES WERE HORSES has been hurting a long time and that even with whatever bandaids he’s been using, he’s been in a helluva lot of pain.

So, IF WISHES WERE HORSES…, Whatever scares you the most about talking about it, not talking about it is worse. Take some time to find a therapist who knows about trauma and interview them before you go to see them (that’s what I do now). I will only see someone who is willing to talk to me on the phone about what I’m looking for. I don’t mean a quick 5 minute conversation. Then, when you start your work with that person, you will find out that getting to the end of your story will be the beginning of the life you want for yourself.

Be willing to invest in yourself by committing to and sticking with a healing plan/journey until you feel better (much better!) about yourself and your life. I’m 58 and I’ve only just made such a commitment. I’ve seen therapists short-term before and always bailed out, and I’ve suffered much more than I needed to. I’m never giving up on myself again. ‘Cos that’s what quitting was for me.

Just don’t give up. Coming here was a brave move. I don’t know if it was a first step, but it was a good one. You are not alone. All the best.

Dear If Wishes were Horses…
Thank you for sharing your story. There’s a reason you write. You have so much to express and offer. Unfortunately, when we feel stressed out or anxious that can affect the creative process.
They say seeking help with a therapist and doing talk therapy can help. But, I would like to suggest that sometimes talking about our trauma and sadness just reinforces it. Another avenue for healing is taking a newspaper, like the New York Times and just writing on it in ink all the things you want to express, all the pain, disappointment, feelings of shame, unworthiness and so on on that newsprint. Get it all out, all of it. Then burn it. Watch it disappear into the ethers and take all your pain with it.
Then start anew. Begin your life with your lovely wife and beautiful children, a new man. One who is a creative being in love with life and in love with creating a life of his own. A life based on health, healing, love, creativity and abundance and JOY!!! I hope you will try this. You are loved by your Creator beyond measure! We all are…we just have to acknowledge that this is so and start to feel that we are worthy of all the good things in life. God Bless You and your beautiful Family. Hang tough…they Love you and Need You! xoxo Dee

Hello I didn’t do the resilience score but reason I took the test is I have been suffering depression and was abused as a child also this has lead me to being investigated for looking at illegal material my score was 7

What about the negative impact from having to move/relocate often in childhood? All in all, by the time I was 18, our family had moved 6 times. My Dad wasn’t in the military, and I know kids in military families have it super rough, but in my case, my parents not only divorced, but we moved twice in just 2 years. So when I started 7th grade in a junior high in a new state and city, I was basically a basket case. I was so devastated by losing my Dad, I wasn’t able to form friendships with anyone.

Hi Beth..I went to 7 different elementary schools because of all the moving we did too…really difficult to forge any long lasting friendships…my parents were trying to make a better life for all of us … it was probably just as hard for them too …
To help you release those negative thoughts, feelings and emotions may I offer that you explore the world of Energy Psychology. It is a well researched area documenting the reworking of young brains … the upside … there is something YOU can do about it!!! YOU have the power to tap within the healing ability .. I am a product of that mindset … I found Emotional Freedom Techniques – tapping … a combination of Acupuncture and Modern Psychology! You are not alone, there IS EFFeCTIVE HELP available. Google the words or message me. You can leave the negatives behind and start living the full and vibrant life you seek! Good Health to YOU and YOuR future!!!

Why is the sexual abuse ACE have the stipulation of the perpetrator being 5+ years older? I know of 10 + kids who wère sexually abused by person(s) closer to their own age & or younger than them. I know some of the reactions to its wording were insulting to them at best. “So it doesn’t really count that I was repeatedly assulted by my brother because we’re only a few years apart in age?!? B.S.”
Totally shut her down…

Two reasons- One, the test given here was a first dip into this entire field of research AND was written when there was less awareness of sibling/peer sex abuse- the doctor who first linked obesity with ACES said that when he was giving an early interview, he was surprised by the incest reported because it was only the second time he’d heard of such a thing. At all.
Two, the question isn’t necessarily about assault. The phrasing is such that it includes experiences that may not have felt coerced at the time but likely were in fact. I wasn’t ever sexually assaulted, but I scored for that one because, yes, when I was a young teenager older men, I’ll say took advantage, of my feeling lonely and in hindsight that was absolutely damaging.
And why on earth is a sexual assault victim looking to a laymen’s internet version of a psychological quiz to validate her experience? Tell her yes, obviously sexual assault is an adverse experience and perhaps it would be wise to have the professional version administered by a professional.

Good points, Jane and A Marie. This question and issue applies not only to sexual abuse, but other parts of the survey. I also recall wondering why there wasn’t anything about (for example) being force-fed food/drink, and a slew of other experiences that were excluded from the survey. The resilience questionnaire was equally lacking – relative to my own personal experience. But, in hindsight, I now see that those who created the ACE survey were just tapping into a newly discovered phenomenon; and that all of us really are in the early years of understanding the true and extensive impact, the wide-ranging behaviors and “sui generis” experiences that were not accounted for in the ACE / resilience Q. It’s also impossible to capture the full spectrum of abuses; but its absence from the survey questions in no way minimizes or excludes those experiences. My hope is that, with all more input and research, those lacunae will be incorporated…

9 on ACE and I was recently diagnosed with a somewhat rare autoimmune disease called ankylosing spondylitis. It takes me half an hour to wake up and another hour just to get out of bed and another half hour to get myself to start walking properly. Can’t afford treatment though. I hate my life lol..

Same here, I have 9 ACES and was diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis back in 2009. I made a full recovery by working out those ACES and adapting new beliefs. I made a full recovery and shared it all on youtube for FREE. I won’t post a link because it will sound like spam.

Those are beautiful words of encouragement Ralphitness!!! Just because our childhood “sucked” doesn’t mean we have to stay stuck in the past … I will look for your YOUTUBE video with great interest … my score was 7/10 and I’ve been using Energy Psychology to release my negative emotions and the low vibrational feelings like sadness, resentment, depression, frustration, anger. It is an amazingly effective technique. I am presently searching for further education to work within my “scope of practice” with clients dealing with the effects of ACE’s being higher than 4/10. Please know that early life adversities actually change the wiring in our brains. This is one method that can rewire to the “upside of life”. Google “EFT practitioners for High ACE scores”. There are many well qualified individuals that can help you on your path to healing the past to live a vibrant, pain free future!!

Hi ralphitness!!! Well done on discovering the root cause of your ankylosing spondylosis!! All negative emotions are seeded by fear then it morphs into physical symptoms. Our Western Medicine is slow to grasp this concept yet Eastern Medicine has been all over this thought for thousands of years. I applaud you for posting the videos on YOUTUBE. Adding any Energy Medicine modality to a health problem whether it be physical, mental or emotional will bring back good health and well-being. I use Emotional Freedom Techniques-tapping for me and my clients. I’ve also added Reiki, aromatherapy, music therapy and being out in nature. OPEN YOUR HEART and let the healing begin. Thank you for sharing your story. May it help others find the strength to lean into their pain and feel ALIVE again.

I scored a 6 with ACE and majority of the answers were “definetly not true” and here I grew up in a middle class family but so truly dysfunctional. Wow.
(And I struggle with health issues everyday) -an eye opener for sure.

My ACE score was 7, but I think witnessing the abuse-bordering-on-torture of some of my siblings is worthy of a rating, so I say 8. And that’s based on my very poor memory. I think I shut down my feelings and my ability to remember when I was about 2. I want to list some of the things that happened, but even if I do, I will feel like I’m making excuses for myself, so I won’t. Someone will say something supportive and I still won’t accept that it was as bad as it was.

I had none of the resilience factors. Not as a child.

I’m the 7th of 9 children and we have 4 (or maybe 5) different fathers. My mother had bipolar disorder and my father had depression (and was maybe an alcoholic, which might make it a 9). He took off when I was about 3, though, so I didn’t grow up with him. Lots of physical, emotional and sexual abuse, at home, then throughout my adolescence and early adulthood. And neglect. I lived with a foster family from 12 until I went away to university on a scholarship. I ran away from university in the first semester, not coping but not even realising I wasn’t coping. I just shut down and ran.
I have vague memories of my childhood and no emotional connection to anything that ever happened to me or that I saw. I have never felt the feelings, even though I’ve tried using different methods over the years to connect with my emotional and physical experiences. As I type this now, I feel like a fraud, because I don’t feel anything. Not feeling anything has not stopped the chaos and torment I’ve lived with my entire life, though, if that makes any sense.

I never read or hear anything about people whose lives are affected by trauma the way mine has been, so I would really appreciate feedback from someone can relate to my experience.

So what happens is I change my mind all the time: I loved my husband. No, I hated him. I would go back and forth between leaving him and staying with him, in my mind, sometimes many times a day. I did leave him 4 times, and the last time I probably would have gotten back with him if he hadn’t said no, even though I wasn’t even happy with him. We were together off and on for 29 years. He also had a bad trauma history, which didn’t help. And now I’ve just ended a different relationship, following the same pattern of behaviour as with my husband. Leaving, then thinking I’d made a mistake. This relationship was very different, though – the best relationship I’ve ever had, and with a really lovely man. Well, that’s gone now.

I used to be desperately unhappy and displayed a number of borderline and bipolar characteristics. I’m less over the top now, and I’m not miserable all the time anymore. One of the biggest problems is that I make decisions and then I change my mind. In case anyone thinks this is a minor problem, it isn’t. I can’t rely on myself. My partner couldn’t rely on me. I let people down. I believe every explanation I give myself for my new plan or change of plans, which makes it very confusing. It can’t be just as right to quit a job as to start it, but it seems right at the time. I will change my mind out of the blue, not just when there is a decision to be made. It’s exhausting and confusing. I have a couple of university degrees, but I haven’t been able to take advantage of my education, because of the way my mind (and emotional disconnect) works. I have no confidence in my decision-making. I should not be poor, but I’m currently living in a room in someone’s house. I have co-owned 3 houses but I’ve lost everything. I work part time, not even on a living wage.

I know I will change my mind about just about any decision I make, but I don’t seem to have any control over it. The only aspect of my life I feel any certainty about is my children. There is no ambivalence there at all. Only love. That is, the 2 children I had with my 2nd husband. I basically abandoned my first child, by leaving him with my first husband, telling him I couldn’t handle the child. I was afraid I would abuse him, and he ended up being abused anyway, by his stepmother. He is not in my life.

There is so much that I know harmed me that I don’t feel (not consciously, anyway) and I believe the lack of integration of those experiences with my conscious experience is a big part of the problem. I’ve seen therapists, but I always quit. I always have a reason, which makes perfect sense to me at the time. Then after a while I look around and see my life in shambles again and I think, “Oh, right. That trauma stuff”. That’s where I am right now. Again. And looking for another therapist. I’m really tired, and broke. But I have to get some help.

this is a very courageous post that helped me a lot. Especially the “feeling like a fraud” part. Where does it come from? I think that despite experiencing abuse at the people who were supposed to love us, they let us love them; and we subconsciously want to conceal their abusive behavior by holding ourselves accountable.

Regarding your statement: “…and we subconsciously want to conceal their abusive behavior by holding ourselves accountable”, I think it goes the other way around. We hold ourselves accountable because our abusers tell us it’s our fault, and those who conceal the abuse don’t think they can get help, or that they deserve help, because that’s what they’ve/we’ve been told. If we think something is our fault, why would we tell anyone?

I did not love my abusive mother and I did not know my father. But I think you are right. If you love the people who abuse you it’s hard to make sense of what they are doing to you. It’s less threatening to blame yourself than to face the truth that people who are supposed to love you can do such terrible things to you.

I also get the feeling like a fraud thing all the time, especially when I meet people who have had it much worse than I did. Macelia said that she felt like a fraud because she didn’t feel anything, but that’s a defense mechanism, not an indication of fraudulence. The mind can go numb when the pain gets too much, just like how endorphins kick in when the body hurts too much. Facing your demons is terrifying, but don’t lose hope.

Macelia, thank you for sharing your story. I have an ACE score of 7, my experience was not quite as bad as yours I think, but it was also very bad. I was beat up by my brother for years, emotionally and psychologically abused by him and my parents (who were both sexually abused, I found out later in life) feeling like I had no one, as I hid everything and was not able to reach out for help. I also was unable to make decisions, and would change my mind all the time, like you describe, so I know how that feels and how devastating that is. For years, (decades?) I couldn’t stick with anything. I would quit everything and run away. I kept running for years. I had a baby at 18 and kick myself everyday for what I put him through. Some things that did help me over time, were meditation, art, spiritual practice (from Eastern religions) and hypnotherapy. I would say hypnotherapy made the biggest impact in finding peace. I would suggest that for you, if you can find a good hypnotherapist. There are ways that you can re-do your memories, or get in touch with the trauma and release it. You can also find free hypnotherapy on Youtube of affirmations that can help as well. Good luck, my dear. It’s a struggle but you can heal! Louise Hay helped me a lot, if you know of her, great author. Best wishes to you, in love, Sara

Thank you, Sara. It’s a relief to hear someone say “I know what it’s like for you”. You experiences sound terrible, too, and I’m glad you found help. I meditate, and that’s the most helpful practice I have found so far. Hypnotherapy, so far, is no good. I keep hearing that you don’t need to be able to visualise to be hypnotisable, but I don’t know if that is true. I cannot visualise anything at all, and that, combined with having no emotional connection to anything that happened in my childhood, makes it hard to access the trauma. I know that people with worse pasts manage to do it, though. I have to stop running away every time I feel the least little thing.

I have found affirmations to be unhelpful . They just sit on the surface, while underneath I simply don’t believe them, no matter how many times I say them. I encountered Louise Hay many, many years ago too. I think I may have found You Can Heal Your Life helpful, but it just scratched the surface. I stopped engaging in very risky behaviours a long time ago, so some of the stuff I tried back then helped some, but there’s so much more I need.

I have found a Gestalt therapist, and have had my first session with her. That is a very experiential therapy and I’m hoping I can at least get in touch with my feelings and my body, which should help.

Oh good, I’m glad you wrote back. I’m so glad that you have found some things that work for you. One thing I have been doing, and which I find works really well, if you can do it, is you re-create the memory, which is a kind of self-hypnosis. You ask yourself “What should have happened?” What should have happened instead of the abuse? Then you create another scenario, and feel how that feels. For instance, you can re-create the experience to have someone come in and help you, like the police or someone who stops the abuse, even Superman! You can re-create your family life. It doesn’t replace the reality, but it somehow distracts from it. In my case instead of growing up in a nasty little house in the suburbs, I grew up on a farm with a loving expended family and neighbors, and I had horses! It’s a bit like in “Back to the Future” when his family was changed because he went to the past and created another scenario. Best wishes.

Great advice Sara. These are all processes utilized in Grief Recovery programs, energy psychology like Emotional Freedom Techniques – tapping, research Gary Craig at http://www.emofree.com … there are so many options available in the world … you are not alone …. I have met many women with devastating stories that are making their way to a better life for themselves … my ACE scores were 6/10 … my journey has been a massive rollercoaster to the point where I wanted to give up … I am blessed to be surrounded by a group of women that support, are non judgemental and guide me through my quagmire of emotions as I heal … I am so glad this forum exists … there is so much we can do … it’s important to be vulnerable and ASK for HELP! We are here for each other. Together we can THRIVE again!!!

I too cannot use affirmations because I cannot knowingly lie to myself. They would have to be on the order of “I probably am not quite as bad as I think I am.”

You can be hypnotized without being able to visualize things. You could count, saying to yourself, “with every number, I am getting more and more relaxed. I can stop any time I want.” If you can hear music in your head, you could try putting words to a tune, suggestions to feel calmer during the day etc. You can also make the suggestion that some time when you are ready, relaxed like this or in a normal state, your unconscious will give you some new information that you can handle. You just have to be imaginative about avoiding using images.

I’m posting this after my original post because there’s no reply button on all the comments posted by people.

Thanks to everyone who commented. It’s wonderful to get the support. I didn’t mention that I have psychology and counselling training, so I do know about and have tried pretty much all of the methods people have suggested. I guess what I take from the suggestions is that I have to keep trying until I find something that helps. I have been doing that over the years, but I need to stick with the two things I’ve got right now: meditation and my new Gestalt therapist.

Since my first post, I’ve been meditating everyday, usually twice a day. I’ve meditated in the past and found it helpful, but it feels like I’m getting more out of it now. Maybe the degree of usefulness is related to the level of desperation.

To Sara, I’ve tried the technique you described, to re-create the memory. It made me feel a little bit better at the moment but did not last. I think the methods that work have to fit in with the way the person’s mind works, their personality, etc. The idea of re-creating a memory just doesn’t sit well with me.

To Jean, regarding hypnotherapy, it doesn’t work with everyone. I have tried the sort of thing you suggested in the past, and it really didn’t do anything for me, aside from the relaxation effect. But it’s also possible that I was too “well protected” to allow it to