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June 06, 2012

When Infertility Doesn't Eat Your Life

Life is good. I can see how eventually deciding to accept a child-free life can be freeing, even as it is very sad. When you're not in the trenches, actively getting let down *every month*, it is so much easier to see the sun. To see that there is life beyond our broken reproductive parts. And that life is full of many good things. I feel more positive and more hopeful than I have all year. This little TTC break is very different from the last one.

Another wonderful side effect of my happy outlook is that I can be truly, and without jealousy, *happy* for all the bloggers I follow that have gotten a BFP in recent weeks and months. When I was at my darkest, shortly before my surgery, I hated that I was so jealous of everyone. I even wrote a post about it, but never published it because I felt *so ashamed*. I give myself leeway when it comes to being jealous of fertiles, but being jealous of fellow infertiles feels so wrong. And yet, its a feeling that sometimes bubbles up, even though we don't want it to. I'm relieved to be free from all that heavy negativity.

I'm really glad I've been in a good head space since my surgery because last week I got questioned by so many people about if I have kids, are we trying, why don't we have kids, etc. Like more people than have asked me in the entire time we have been trying up til now. I only had a tiny breakdown at a friend's Memorial Day cookout. Luckily my best guy friend was there and he took me aside and let me be sad for a minute before giving me a big hug and making me feel better. It could've been a lot worse if I had been in a less positive mood.

M is still job searching, no surprise there. We should hear back about interviews for the uber awesome job at my university sometime this week. Fingers crossed!! We are very confident about his chances at getting the job if he can make the cut for the interview phase. On Sunday, while doing a random search for real estate in our area online, I found out about an open house for a home I've had my eye on for months. I was so excited to finally get to walk through the place. M and I *love* going to open houses. It gives us an opportunity to test our knowledge on what to look for, warning signs of serious problems, and judging whether the asking price is a good value or not. I'm hoping we can start regularly attending open houses in our area this summer in preparation for real house hunting whenever M gets a job.

As far as the results of my surgery and what's going on with my ovaries, I really have no idea. I have been temping for about a week now, but not charting them - just keeping track, vaguely, in my head. Even if I don't ovulate, I'd like for my body to have AF on its own because I don't want to take prometrium. If I get AF during the last week of June, we can call Dr. B's office and start a medicated cycle. If AF comes sooner, I'll have to wait for the next one and if it doesn't come at all, then I can call the second week of July. Mostly I'm just not thinking about it. What will be, will be. If M gets a job soon, I feel like I could extend this positive mindset indefinitely, because at least other areas of my life would be moving forward. One can only hope...