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An Exercise In Arguing The Other Side

Preface – The following monologue does not represent my own beliefs. A couple of years ago I was tasked with writing and performing a piece at a small theatre, of which I was having some difficulty with. I talked with the director and he said that he had an idea that would be perfect for me. There are times when you are talking with a person and you are getting a long perfectly, when they suddenly give an opinion or make a statement that it so drastically opposite of your own that it completely breaks your perception of that person. Lawrence Kasdan called it “The Big Chill” and based an entire movie off of it. So I set to write a monologue that argued a viewpoint that was in opposition of my own, and it really worked. Writing and performing this monologue was uncomfortable for me and the audience responded just how I wanted them to (shocked and disturbed). By putting a human voice to the issue, by making that voice a good person, it’s harder to demonize the opposition which is something we all tend to do on these sorts of issues. But just remember, the following is in no way representative of my own beliefs. Honestly, the only thing I care about marriages and the law is I think there should be a federal fund to have a required open bar at every wedding, and I’m willing to pay any tax to reach that end.

Jerimiah: So, what do you think about gays getting married?

(waits for audience reaction/silence)

Jerimiah: Hmmm. That’s what most people say. Some believe that people are afraid to say what they think on the matter because you may never know who will turn out to be gay. That guy right there might be gay. The girl in the revealing outfit might be a big lesbo. Who knows? It’s almost trendy to be homosexual now. So no one wants to say what they really feel about the subject of gay marriage because they are afraid they might offend the person sitting next to them. But that’s not the real reason. The real reason is because people just know it’s wrong, but they can’t explain why it is. They understand it is a sin and a crime against nature, but they don’t have the words to express this feeling. It’s trendy to be a queer, and peer pressure has a way of . . . crippling morals.

Now I’m not some nut case on a power trip, or a closet-case trying to hide myself by railing against my own kind. I don’t buy into the bullshit that, “If you let a man marry another man today, you’ll get a man marrying a Chihuahua tomorrow.” The homosexual and the zoophile have nothing in common, unless the zoophile wears stylish tight jeans. And frankly, if you have to resort to fornication with a small rodent-like animal, I would presume that you do not have enough fiduciary stability for fashion. And I’m not a homophobe. Some of my dearest friends are gay, good people, people I trust with my life, the life of my children. They, like anyone else on this earth, can be the most courageous examples of humanity. But of divinity? The smartest kid in my class room is gay, and he is going to go places. Big places. And at the end, one low, dark, horrible place.

Because homosexuality, in all its forms (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender) are against God’s law. It is stated clearly in the Bible, in the word of God. Leviathans 18:22. “You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination.” Leviathans 20:13. “If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act.” And Corinthians. 6:9. “Or do you not know that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, nor homosexuals, shall inherit the kingdom of God.”

Do I think it’s fair? Fuck no, I don’t think it is fair, but damned if it isn’t simple. Because I don’t get to make the decision. I don’t get to write the book. We don’t get to pick and choose which rules we follow. We don’t get to decide what laws to abide by and what laws to upend, especially not His law. So if that means that God says that some of my friends have to be damned, then they will be.

So what do I think about gay marriage? Officially, I am against it, because who ever said faith was easy?