Clearance Clarence: On playoff jinxes, good smells and "The Tenderness"

Welcome to another installment of the wildly popular "Clearance Clarence," which brings you the longform hilarity of commenter Clarence Swamptown. This might just be the final post of the day, since we neglected it all day Tuesday for no good reason. As usual, Clarence's views on The Tenderness don't necessarily reflect those of the greater RandBall community. Clarence?

-----------------

Jon Marthaler’s post at Twinkie Town about the current lack of goofballs on the Twins’ roster. [Ed note: Justin Morneau's recent tuxedo get-up notwithstanding]. Jon brings up a great point. Mike Redmond, Boof Bonser, and Carlos Gomez are now gone. The remaining players are not interesting. The viable free agent candidates have very little potential (Hey Crede! Your back is weak but your hair is thick and luxurious you jerk! See, no potential.) Randballers, this is a serious issue. I have not been this worried about the future of Randball commenting since the shortsighted Smoot-Hawley Fart Joke Embargo of 1930.

·The simultaneous Outback Bowl and NHL Winter Classic was one of the greatest afternoons of non-Minnesota related picture-in-picture sports television I have ever experienced.

·I will be watching the upcoming Vikings playoff game at a resort in Alexandria, Minn., on January 17, 2010. The last time I watched a Vikings game in Alexandria was on January 17, 1999. This cannot be a good sign.

·This is my DREAM NFL playoffs scenario: The Vikings defeat the Cowboys as revenge for the Drew Pearson push-off and the Herschel Walker trade. Then the Vikings defeat the Packers in the NFC championship game as revenge for being the Packers. Then the Vikings would defeat the Chiefs, Dolphins, Steelers, or Raiders as revenge for previous Super Bowl losses. Unfortunately none of those AFC teams are in the playoffs and I cannot think of any specific Vikings revenge factor for any remaining AFC team. Maybe New England for exposing the Vikings’ embarrassing pass defense and because Belichick is kind of grumpy? What is your ideal Vikings playoff scenario?

·On New Year’s Day I went to my first Timberwolves game since 1989, when they were still playing in the Metrodome. A few notes from the game: (1) Dwight Howard is an exceptionally large human being, especially when you see him in person. His shoulders are approximately two ax-handles wide. Amazing. (2) Some of the Timberwolves Dance Team members were at Champp’s before the game. They were lovely and also smell terrific. (3) The announced attendance was 17,065. The actual crowd was not that large but it was bigger than I expected. I figured I could just drive into town and leave the car running in front of Target Center without any problems. Instead, this hayseed paid $14(!) for parking in a lot down the street. I suspect I was swindled in some way. (4) I was surprised to see that Jason “White Chocolate” Williams is still in the league. I honestly believed he had passed away somehow. He is not dead, he is still alive. (5) My favorite parts of the game were the beer and Crunch’s trampoline dunking (both shown poorly in the picture), which is the NBA equivalent of a monster truck show, but I still enjoy it.

·Minnesota Wild forward Guillaume Latendresse has a glorious nickname, “The Tenderness”, which is a rough translation of his last name from French to English. I like the concept of abstract nouns as monikers, so I wasted some time researching the translations of local athlete’s last names. I found Deolis “the Dissension” Guerra, Alexi “the Pigeonhole” Casilla, Oleksiy “Hard Luck” Pecherov, Antti “the Contemplation” Miettinen, and Andrew “the Brunette” Brunette. I do not like any of them as much as Guillaume “the Tenderness” Latendresse (or Mike “The Situation”). Any local fans who are also fluent in Slovak, please provide any other potential Wild nicknames in the comments.

Newer Post

Michael Rand started RandBall with hopes that he could convince the world to love jumpsuits as much as he does. So far, he's only succeeded in using the word "redacted" a lot. He welcomes suggestions, news tips, links of pure genius, and pictures of pets in Halloween costumes here, though he already knows he will regret that last part. Follow @randball on Twitter.