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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Captive Love: Conjugal Romance and Incarcerated Intercourse

It's been a long time, hasn't it? Now you are planning your big moment with your new wife, just a few short weeks after your union via satellite. Just because she started writing you unsolicited after hearing the brutal nature of your crimes, it doesn't mean it isn't true love. In fact, if you were still out on the streets you could imagine yourself with this pale, overweight, myopic, anxiety-prone, needy, submissive, annoying, introverted shut-in. To set the mood we offer this brief tutorial on making that hasty courtship the best two hours of her life.

A. This will take some advance preparation, but is an essential step in making your mind willing to copulate with someone hideous in a fully lit and heavily monitored shack owned by the State of California. Making pruno is easy if you have some fruit, yeast, and a bag to ferment it in. And what more romantic way to begin the interlude than with some athletic sock-filtered prison wine? If she seems squeamish just refer to the pruno as "artisanal wine", and she will feel more open to the experience. Make a batch two weeks before the visit, and make sure to slip a few bucks to the staff to turn a blind eye.

B. After the deed is done, you should have about 1:55mins remaining in your two hour visit. Bring a hand rolled cigarette made of only the finest nicotine-soaked discarded butts. They make the most satisfying smoke, and put a traditional finish on an otherwise unconventional rendezvous.

C. The all-important radio. Nothing sets the mood like some proper lovemaking music. Make sure the model you bring has a digital clock on it. Those pricks that run the place deliberately leave clocks out of the area, in hopes they can barge in and ruin any marathon sessions. Choose your station in advance, and choose something SHE will like. You may have to work through some country music ballads here.

D. Procure a prophylactic, preferably unused. But any condom can be revived by running it under a faucet for a little while. You can bet that she "forgot" to bring a rubber. She knows that physical contact comes only once in a while, and she will use deception to force you into fathering a child to end her life-long loneliness. Circumvent her efforts with this tactic. And if she is obese enough you might be able to put it on and take it off without her ever seeing it, just keep her gut between your cock and her face at all times.

E. You may need to rely on your partner to sneak this one in, but luckily it comes in an incredibly easy to conceal shape! The dildo could serve to finish off your partner after you climax and lose interest, or to satisfy your new affinity for pegging, as is common with long term prisoners. Just remember the unspoken rule of the conjugal visit room: whatever is smuggled in MUST be smuggled out. Bring all the gear you desire, but leave only DNA.