Elegant Funeral Ruined By Presence Of Hideous Corpse

Local

UPPER DARBY, PA—In a shameless attempt to persuade colleagues to excuse her incompetent mistake, local account supervisor Casey Collins, who forgot to include an email attachment earlier today, apparently expected her coworkers to forgive her just like that, shocked sources confirmed.

MILWAUKEE—Frequently choking back tears, African-American computer technician Michael Shaw bid an emotional goodbye to his wife and 6-year-old son before making his morning commute Thursday, sources confirmed.

NEW YORK—After reviewing the job candidate’s impressive educational background, research experience, and work history, hiring managers at Geneventis Pharmaceuticals reportedly flat-out asked female applicant Caitlyn Heard today about how much mileage they can get out of her before she has a baby.

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

EAU CLAIRE, WI—Growing increasingly exasperated by the animal’s indifference to his attempts at affection, local man Joe Dooney told reporters Friday that he didn’t know what else he could do to get his cat, Harvey, purring.

HOBOKEN, NJ—In a concerted effort to eliminate any possibility of perceived resentment or antagonism, local account manager Jessica Koerper reportedly cycled through a variety of non-threatening voice inflections in her head Friday before vocalizing a concern to her manager.

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

NEW ULM, MN—Admitting that he could hardly even recognize her, local 12-year-old Ethan Harrelson was reportedly surprised Monday by how much bigger his aunt Judy Stohl had gotten since the previous year.

CHICAGO—Sighing as he scanned the room and performed a mental tally of everyone he would invite, local 26-year-old Andrew Bryer sadly realized that his cramped one-bedroom apartment has enough space to host a party with all of his friends, sources confirmed Friday.

NEW YORK—Speaking for the first time since waking from a medically induced coma following a devastating car accident, 8-year-old Aiden Miller recounted an extremely vivid near-death experience Friday that reportedly contained detailed descriptions of heaven, angels, and a six-figure book deal.

WESTON, CT—Visibly shocked and repulsed by her own behavior as she sat questioning the type of person she is deep down, unsettled 2-year-old Ellie Ritter admitted to reporters that she had no idea what compelled her to bite her friend on the face Thursday.

LYNNFIELD, MA—In an effort to provide sanctuary for Lynnfield College students exposed to perspectives different from their own, a new campus safe space was dedicated Wednesday in honor of Alexis Stigmore, a 2009 graduate who felt kind of weird in class one time.

NEW YORK—Following an evening of heavy drinking at local bar McGuire’s Tavern, 32-year-old Peter Larsen reportedly awoke with a hangover Wednesday and was horrified to discover he had made dozens of plans the previous night.

CROWN POINT, IN—Saying she was happy to find a nice shady spot to sit while everyone else went on the ride, local mother Molly Costello announced Tuesday that she would rather just stay right here and watch her family have fun.

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Hoping the detour would ensure he never so much as exchanged one word with that prick from accounting, Peak Industries employee Brian Dahl hastily changed his trip to the kitchen into a trip to the bathroom in order to avoid a despised coworker, sources confirmed Monday.

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

ARLINGTON, VA—Rapidly running through a list of non-pharmaceutical options that might resolve his patient’s anxiety issues, local physician Alan Caplan offered a series of half-hearted alternatives Friday before handing out drugs.

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

ATLANTA—Casually holding the drink between her index finger and thumb, a Delta Airlines flight attendant is at this moment trying to pass a cup of cranberry juice over your laptop, sources aboard the aircraft have confirmed.

MILPITAS, CA—Saying his casual writing style made him “stand out immediately,” sources at Redding Media reported Monday that the informal tone of Michael Yanover’s job application had set him apart from the candidates under serious consideration.

CHICAGO—Completely embarrassing themselves in a pitiful display of collective ineptitude, a group of five female friends who gathered for happy hour Monday reportedly failed in their sole duty of providing a recommendation for a good gynecologist when asked for one by a new acquaintance who had recently moved to the area.

CHICAGO—After listing off a litany of reasons why he cannot stand his current job, local 27-year-old Don Rutland told reporters Friday that he just needs to power through another day of not being broke and unemployed.

SKOKIE, IL—Convening several steps back from the hostess stand for an ad hoc round of discussions, members of the Kalpern family reportedly entered crisis talks Wednesday after learning that the wait for a table at the Cheesecake Factory would be 45 minutes.

AKRON, OH—Squandering the authority and respect accumulated during his tenure, Pantheon Systems senior manager Robert Crawford, 52, reportedly had his clout instantly evaporate Thursday upon his being seen wearing shorts at the company’s annual summer picnic.

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

ST. LOUIS—Noting the modern interface and newly installed software, sources confirmed Tuesday that the vending machine in Kenwood High School’s cafeteria is the most up-to-date technology in the school.

ACTON, MA—Ingesting a single 15 mg pill of the medication at the start of every school day, local 16-year-old moron Josh Wagner is completely wasting his Adderall prescription on his mental health, flabbergasted sources reported Wednesday.

ST. PAUL, MN—Mentioning that there were some great deals on weekend round trips right now, local mother Carolyn Lynch reportedly recommended a previously unheard-of form of transportation Tuesday that her son could take to travel home.

HARTFORD, CT—After his health insurance provider selflessly paid dozens of claims, covered no fewer than five generic drug prescriptions, and fielded his near-daily phone calls, ungrateful policy member Samuel Clifton, 59, had the temerity to just up and die Monday without so much as a word of explanation, sources reported.

ATLANTA—Calling it a vital, formative experience that led him to find his true calling, junior sales associate Matthew Swenson recalled Wednesday the desperate and exhausting 14-month job search that inspired him to pursue a career in sales.

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

HARTFORD, CT—Noting that they had never seen such a bold and impressive show of dominance, Burkart Industries employees confirmed Monday that account analyst Ken Perlis just looked like a total badass when he threw a fit and stormed out of the room during a meeting.

LENOX, GA—Cringing at the thought of the embarrassing blunder being forever preserved on film, a local garter snake was reportedly humiliated Friday after a documentary crew caught footage of it completely whiffing while lunging at a toad.

CHICAGO—Racking his brain to come up with what he felt were the most natural and appropriate reactions, local man Jeff Stadler was reportedly forced to come up with 45 seconds’ worth of varied facial expressions Friday as his server at Superior Seafood Grill listed off the restaurant’s daily specials.

PHILADELPHIA—Bracing himself as he monitored an ongoing interrogation from behind a two-way mirror, Detective James Harpin of the Philadelphia Police Homicide Unit nervously crossed his arms as Julian Calandra, the suspect in a recent string of disappearances, slowly swiveled his chair in his direction and began addressing him directly.

ELKHART, IN—Saying that he likes to indulge her every once in a while, local man Wayne Timmons, 28, reportedly treated his mother to a small detail about his personal life during a phone conversation Thursday.

WATERBURY, CT—Saying it’s become a bit of an eyesore in the neighborhood, Waterbury residents noted Tuesday that local woman Jackie McAllister still has a tree standing in her yard weeks after Arbor Day.

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying she was glad to finally be able to apply her psychiatric training, local child therapist Pamela Thornton expressed her excitement to reporters Friday at the prospect of seeing a patient with actual psychological issues.

ALBANY, NY—Second-guessing the purchase as she arrived at her friend’s birthday party Friday, area woman Kelly Hardin told reporters she hoped her humorous card featuring a shirtless hunk would be received by Amanda Riordan in the fun, lighthearted spirit with which it was intended.

PORTLAND, ME—In an effort to ease any concerns about her presence at the apartment, local man Jason Ballard assured his two roommates Wednesday that his girlfriend would only be staying over for the entire duration of their relationship.

HAMILTON, OH—Following in the same patterns of viciousness and savagery that have persisted since the dawn of mankind, the 2.8-million-year-old cycle of human cruelty reportedly continued unabated Tuesday on the playground of Hamilton Elementary School.

WORTHEN, CT—Saying the move will help avoid any controversy during the celebration, administrators from Boswitch College confirmed Thursday that the school will allow each graduating senior to choose an individual commencement speaker in order to make the ceremony acceptable for all.

CINCINNATI—Unaware that it will soon be regarded by his managers as an unnecessary drain on the company’s bottom line, local software engineer Rob Lofland reportedly celebrated a raise Thursday that his employer will eventually use to justify firing him.

COLUMBIA, MD—In a purely self-interested move that is certain to set the tone for the next 18 years, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Rebecca McBride is already off to a bad start as a mother after requesting an epidural during the delivery of her first child.

HUDSON, WI—Making engine noises with his mouth as he guided a model bulldozer toward a Hot Wheels racetrack play set, local 5-year-old Dylan Walde was reportedly unaware Wednesday just how many of his toys have been purchased to steer him away from one day adopting a homosexual lifestyle.

MILL VALLEY, CA—Noting that there are dozens of awful aspects of his personality that he hasn’t even begun to address, sources confirmed Monday that local 28-year-old Ryan Glass’ constant self-deprecation only scratches the surface of how truly pathetic he is.

WALTHAM, MA—Frustrated with a growing list of unacceptable workplace indignities, fed-up Catamount Systems employee Marc Holden is just about 14 years away from walking out the front door of his office and never returning, sources confirmed Thursday.

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

BOULDER, CO—Expressing frustration over the dearth of options that met her high standards, local mother Shannon Gail confirmed Monday that she was still looking for a preschool that would focus exclusively on her son.

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

FOX CHAPEL, PA—Asserting that the gesture would mean a lot more coming from all of them, local unemployed man Jeff Thomas reportedly made one final push to his siblings Friday suggesting that they all go in together on a group Mother’s Day gift.

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

WICHITA, KS—Searching for something to take his attention off the uncomfortable domestic dispute occurring just a few feet away, a local 6-month-old fetus reportedly decided Monday to pretend he couldn’t hear the loud argument coming from the other side of the uterine wall.

YOUR LOCATION—Based on the posture and facial expressions of those around you, incoming reports indicate that this is apparently the point in the conversation where you should be smiling and letting out a friendly chuckle.

KATONAH, NY—Catching sight of a bathrobe-clad figure tiptoeing around the kitchen as he awoke on the nearby living room floor, early-rising slumber party guest Caleb Robbins, 9, confirmed Sunday that he had been granted an exclusive look at his frie...

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

ROCKFORD, IL—Patting down his onesie with mounting concern, local 8-month-old Joshua McManus was reportedly overcome by a sharp, sinking feeling Monday upon realizing he had left home without his oversize multicolor plastic keys.

SAN JOSE, CA—Counting down the minutes until she could finally kick back and relax, local woman Courtney Porter told reporters Monday that she couldn’t wait to get home and take off her uncomfortable persona.

HAGERSTOWN, MD—Apparently oblivious to the dire implications of the news he had just received, North Hagerstown High School senior Kevin Grant took his rejection from his first-choice college in stride as if his entire future were not over, sources ...

WHITE PLAINS, NY—Expressing hope that the request wouldn’t be too much of a hassle, houseguest Brian Olson reportedly asked his friend Kyle Gwinn last night if he could borrow a blanket that has never once been washed.

JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Criticizing them as an overwhelmingly negative influence on the former prison inmate, friends and family members of ex-convict Todd Chapman told reporters Wednesday they are concerned that the 34-year-old continues to hang out wit...

OAKLAND, CA—Noting how the expressive movement of her friend’s arms fully conveyed every aspect and nuance of the event, 27-year-old Andrea Jennings confirmed Monday that her friend Rachel Carter’s hand gestures had transformed an anecdo...

FLORENCE, AZ—Noting that the purity and reliability were significantly lower, sources at Arizona’s Florence State Prison confirmed that the lethal injection compounds given to convicted murderer Joseph Danvers III in the early morning hours Fr...

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

OMAHA, NE—Calling the walkthrough among the cages and aquariums a key part of his morning routine, local PetSmart manager John Brubaker told reporters Thursday that he always does a quick sweep of the store’s enclosures for dead ones before op...

OMAHA, NE—In an effort to be fully prepared for potential rejections, Creighton University admissions officers reportedly accepted a safety student Wednesday just in case their top choices didn’t work out.

SAGEBROOK, NJ—Following the reported suicide of local teen Jenny Gordon, longtime bully Hannah Boucard, 17, told reporters Wednesday that she could not believe her classmate took four straight years of being told to kill herself seriously.
Boucard, ...

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Upon noticing that all the other customers in the H&R Block lobby were holding stacks of paper much thicker than his own, local man Paul Uriarte was said to be overtaken by a sharp and paralyzing wave of anxiety Wednesday.

TEMPE, AZ—Stressing the importance of being prepared for any circumstance that may occur, local man James Donner told reporters Monday he carries a gun on his person at all times in case he ever needs to escalate a situation.

MINNEAPOLIS—Contorting his wrinkled mouth unnaturally in order to produce the vocalization, 60-year-old Vanderweigh Media CEO Robert Flynn reportedly employed his ancient organs of speech at a meeting Wednesday to grotesquely form the word “ha...

KENWOOD, OH—Saying she has a lot of nerve to try and pull something like this, employees of insurance agency Boland & Sons told reporters Wednesday that coworker Emily Nelson seems to believe she can just waltz back into work after her maternity...

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

YOUR OFFICE—Suddenly reappearing at your workplace after two visits late last week, sources confirmed Tuesday that a totally unknown guy is once again strolling around your part of the office for some reason.

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Elegant Funeral Ruined By Presence Of Hideous Corpse

CHICOPEE, MA—An elegant, tasteful funeral, meticulously arranged by an experienced funeral director and attended by more than 200 impeccably dressed guests from across the country, was utterly ruined Monday by the presence of a rotting human corpse.

A horrifying cadaver spoils an otherwise classy funeral.

"It just doesn't make sense," said funeralgoer Emily Timmons, retching at the sight of the 182-pound heap of decaying flesh at the front of the room. "Everything looks so beautiful, but then, right in the middle of it all, there's this disgusting dead body."

In addition to a lovely service at Everson Brothers Funeral Home in Chicopee, the $17,260 affair included a visitation in an elegantly appointed chamber, a parade led by a gleaming white car, and a 30-minute ceremony at Shady Grove Memorial Cemetery. But throughout the proceedings, a pall was cast by the ever-present human carcass.

"It's sick," said Randy Weitz of Sacramento, CA, signing the guest book. "How they could allow this, I'll never know."

From the expensive flowers spread throughout the funeral home to the pair of golden wreaths that greeted attendees at the door, funeral planners spared no expense in their effort to make the event as beautiful as possible. But somehow, they overlooked the presence of the horrible corpse.

The funeral home was decorated in a classy manner, its marble floors waxed to perfection and rows of exquisite plush chairs and couches facing the incredibly nauseating cadaver. Guests were even provided with finely embossed prayer cards to take home, and were encouraged to sign a leather-bound guest book with an expensive pen.

Equally lovely was the eight-foot-long copper-and-black-walnut box with distinctive die-cast detailing and two-tone cover which stood at the front of the room. The silk-cushion-lined box alone, without the color-accented custom-embossed nameplate and silk pillows, cost $3,995 and, according to funeral director Harley T. Everson, is guaranteed to create an airtight seal.

"This model is very traditional, yet graceful," Everson said of the stunning box, whose beauty was shattered by the festering ex-man inexplicably placed inside of it. "Its strong design in solid oak is complemented by crisp white-satin bedding and solid-oak swing-bar handles on both sides and ends, and it is accented with a wooden lock and lid support."

The sight of the body troubled funeral attendees immensely, causing many to break into tears and clutch their loved ones.

"The flowers, the candles, the people—it could have been such a lovely funeral," said Theresa Dutler of Worcester, MA. "But instead the whole thing was marred by the foul presence of death. It's a shame, is what it is."