All my life I have been taught that monogamy is the only way to live my life, that life is dictated by a specific set of rules put in place by thousands of years of trial and error. My brain has pondered this logic all my life, whether or not I am to let someone else control me when so often I am the one in complete control of everything. Loss of power is frightening, I have been in multiple S&M relationships and have such a hard time giving up power it literally physically hurts. Being taught this archaic view of how a relationship should look leaves a mark on a man, always striving to be this watchful protector of what is essentially my ward rather than my partner. I don’t want to be a bodyguard, I don’t want to be a bouncer, and I most certainly don’t want a woman who will make me feel as if I need to be ever again. I want a partner who can support me because she wants to, not because she needs to. Who I can trust because I have no reason not to. Who I can feel love and be loved. I am not a violent person, nor am I someone who likes confrontation, and yet I have been taught that if a man even looks at my girl wrong I am to in essence teach him a lesson. For years this is what I did, I assumed this role of someone who is more of a wall for people to hide behind. With my medication I began to rethink this, I rethought it because I simply was not happy. This “pursuit of happiness” being the sole fuel behind most everyone’s actions, I was just beginning to recognize as not only being logical but also necessary to life. Everyone wants to live, somewhere deep in their mind, even if they are depressed. But without a reason to live many succumb to the sweet thought of an eternal rest, the simple thought of an instant end to all negative emotions and actions in their life. With my medication I found that life doesn’t need to be thought of in this way, I used to do things dangerous intentionally, as a result my body is constantly in pain and my mind is full of regret and shame. My actions through my life have hurt myself and others, because I had no reason to live and therefore I did not care. This new medication is helping me more than I understand how to process, I feel good for once in my life, I don’t feel like I did. Bored, I was simply bored, I couldn’t come up with one reason to not just jump in front of traffic but now I can feel. I once saw the world in only red, now its like the world is colorful again. My stoic outward appearance being replaced by my natural childlike whimsy, slowly but surely. I want to be normal, I want to feel normal. I have to find some balance between my logic and my emotions, instead of letting myself turn off my emotions. Emotions suck sometimes, sometimes it feels as if your own body hates you and your mind wants you to suffer. But the suffering is worth it, I never understood why before but I do now. The times when I am depressed, I think of the things that make me happy. Seeing someone I care about, knowing i can trust someone, my younger sibling, I have a cousin that is the most adorable little girl, and above all seeing my mother happy. I have always wanted to help people, I just didn’t know how. I’m learning. I will leave my mark on this world soon, I have always known I would. The only difference is now I know it will be positive. My life is looking up, for reasons that are too early to say just yet, but if all goes according to plan I will have a very long time to talk about it.

This past week has been interesting to say the least. My classes have been very much enjoyable, I ended up dropping religious studies because I didn’t like the prof and I picked up astronomy. I have always loved space so I’m surprised I didnt think of it sooner. I also met a girl, it’s very early to say the least but so far she has been lovely. I have known I wanted to spend time with her from day one. I can’t think of a single low point in my university experience yet. The girl I met makes me happy, and the relationship is logical for me not one of infatuation, she makes me laugh and feel relaxed. Which are qualities I’m not used to. The fact that she might even know more than I do makes me really happy, I can learn from her. As well as it will help me condition my ego, I’m so used to being the smartest in the room it has gone to my head. Im happy here. This is Nick signing off for the night. Goodnight.

Today I actually went out, I went to the farmers market and a so called “corn boil”. I expected it to be some backwoods hick event with large ugly white men with their ugly wives and ugly children like where I am from. But rather it was an actual community event, people of all ages and backgrounds, various eateries such as Vietnamese and Chinese, yoga stands and a quaint little water park. It was very nice, and actually quite sunny but I did not even burn, of which I was glad. One of the guys I was with fell on the ground and almost flipped a picnic table because of a hornet, of which I am noticing an abundance. I have not been outside once without a hornet buzzing around curiously inspecting my clothing. Perhaps they are drawn to the bright colours, later tonight I will have to do a little research on this to see if I am even close or if the hornet is simply, a dick. Once I came back I passed out almost right away, I have been rather drowsy as of late and being outside did not help that. Physical exertion has been rather hard since I both hurt my ankle and got a blister on my foot. I also decided to rip the blister off because evidently I am an idiot so I have been walking around with a bandage on the sole of my foot. My roommate finished off an entire bottle of smirnoff and a can of beer around 6pm today. He has also been ping ponging between girls, talking about getting “laid”. I can feel that something will go wrong and I just hope I am not caught in the crossfire. This obsession with sex is funny to me, I don’t really have any desire to partake in that kind of thing here. Where I am from I was called essentially a man whore, I came here to start a new leaf, I made a lot of poor choices and I just want to prove to everyone that I can do it. I have always gotten everything I wanted, everyone has always trusted me right away, I want the opportunity to actually earn it. To be around people that don’t need me, but want me. The thought of being the babysitter for another human being again leaves me with a sinking feeling, I deserve better than to give everything to a girl that uses me as something to shield her from the real world and nothing else. It is not my responsibility to take everyone else’s problems on my shoulders, and as guilty as I may feel for not helping where I can I need to keep reminding myself of this if I want to improve my mental state. Maybe I will find a girl who can match my intellect and compliment my personality, maybe I wont find her here. As with many things, only time will tell.

This will be my only real post tonight, there are many things to think about. A few different relationships that I need to determine whether or not to cultivate.

Of course I forgot to charge my phone so the battery died in the middle of the post. There was a banquet tonight, I befriended a nice Japanese student. We talked about cultural differences, I found it all very interesting, and she is easy to talk to. Her English is emaculate. I forgot to ask if she was taught English in Japan as well. She will be here until April so I suppose I will have lots of time to ask. I’ve also found another girl just down the hall from me that likes video games too. It’s a basic interest but I suppose that’s a stepping stone to making friends. Hopefully this medication doesn’t have as many side effects. I do love the house I’m in, first I was sceptical but the amount of familiarity I’m surrounded with is refreshing. While I may not always participate for now as it takes a good while before I’m comfortable enough to, I appreciate the environment. Our house colour is one my favourites, green. Granted I would have been ecstatic if it was purple but you take what you can get. Our mascot being the sex Panther, I find this amusing enough that I may just purchase a shirt with that on it.

For now I will wander the house, maybe work my way to the lounge and relax.

I finally got my medication, hopefully this experience will be much less stressful. My belief that I could fight my illness on my own was misguided at best, almost completely delusional and ignorant at worst. The pharmacist was a little irritating though, going through and circling what she believed to be important information and using up almost half an hour of my time. I have been through so many different kinds by now that this is not new to me. But oh well, she is just doing her job. I will have to find someone to explore this town with, it all seems so quaint and quiet. I’ve yet to determine whether or not I want to go to a party this Sunday, the “softball” party is what it’s called. I suppose the majority of the people here are underage in first year. Where I lived on my own for a while and took a year before school I’m not used to being surrounded by this amount of immaturity. I suppose they are just trying to have fun, the allure of instant gratification is too great for a lot of people. I also picked up some fish oil, and I only spent like $6 which was fan-fucking-tastic, I thought I would have spent much more on that. If all goes well that will help with my memory.

My second day at university has been so far uneventful, not in that there has not been events but rather in that I have not gone to any. I have determined that stopping my anxiety medication before coming here was a poor choice, as it is not normal anxiousness preventing me from doing things but rather this constant and consistent sinking feeling in my stomach. There are a few people here that I have immediately liked, one of my house leaders has some of the same interests as I do, and seems much more calm than the rest. As well as a girl that just stopped in today to ask if I was going to a speech, while I had no intention to I very much appreciated the gesture. Often times I only speak when spoken to, I will have to learn more about her, she does seem like an interesting person. There have also been people that I immediately disliked for various reasons, though that was to be expected of any location I go to. I have contacted my doctor about the medications, though I fear that orientation week may be over before I get what I need. I believe the people here think I am an introvert or a shut in, when really it couldn’t be further from the truth. When I am comfortable I am the life of the party, though it has been a long time since I have been able to call myself such. Psychological illness is the bane of my existence. I hope that with attending this university I will be able to help others like me. There will always be someone who is misunderstood. The drama and hormones of pubescent growth often overshadows the reality of many, the cliche of the “misunderstood teenager” becomes applied to every situation, causing those with real problems to almost fear getting help for them out of cultural stigma. The whole situation upsets me deeply, when I can and wherever I can, I will do my best to change this from being fact. While there are some simply dramatic people, there are also people who need real help that are left wanting.

I may update again tonight, or this may be it for today. There is a house meeting tonight so we will see how that goes