Tracie Potochnik

Before we begin, I need to make one thing perfectly clear: Having a wine glass thrown at her face by Ramona Singer is the best thing that could have happened to Kristen. It finally gave her something interesting to talk about! You have a blood blister on your lip. WE GOT IT.

We begin the episode with trained nurse/countess LuAnn telling Kristen (still in the lake) that she doesn't need stitches. See, she's fine. I mean, okay. I know that Ramona is a sociopath who has basically been having a six-year hot flash, and I also know that throwing a glass at someone's face is not a recommended method of conflict resolution. But somewhere along the line, Kristen lost my sympathy. I think it was two minutes into the episode when she says that she previously was the first to defend Ramona from being called white trash (MEANWHILE YOU WEREN'T EVEN THERE!), but that, quite frankly, what Ramona did was white trash. To that I say: You keep lobbing these verbal insults and you'll see your ass where it ends up!

Now Ramona has to suffer through the indignity of having us all see her with a curler in her bangs. This is why she didn't want to get her damn hair wet! As Carole says, "Don't fuck with her blow-dry." Ramona tells Sonja that it wasn't her intention to make Kristen bleed. Well, I should hope not. But she thinks that Kristen is an instigator, and Sonja remarks that you shouldn't poke a sleeping lion. Unless that lion is 23, nubile and well-hung, in which case what's the harm in getting the lion's number?

Advertisement

Sonja is quite sympathetic to Ramona's past, which involved suffering verbal abuse from her father and witnessing the physical abuse of her mother. Sonja has also "seen things" as a child, and empathizes. When Ramona says that she's turning into her dad, Sonja gets FURIOUS and repeatedly says, "You are not your dad! Don't you go there, Singer!" Sonja is the best, and also the only one of the bunch who's appropriately dressed for the Berkshires, in a linger-ee (pronunciation TM Sonja) inspired tank and camo short skirt. Ramona then says that Kristen reminded her of her father, and the last time she chucked a glass at another human was 30 years ago, at her dad. So, I guess Ramona is her father and also Kristen is Ramona's father? If I were her, I'd probably just pick one and stick with it. Though maybe it's like how mostly Sonja is Little Edie, but sometimes she's Big Edie too.

While Heather tries to bring calm to the situation, Sonja starts brushing Ramona's hair like a little monkey enacting an instinctive grooming ritual. If she begins to chomp on nits, should we be worried? Ramona pulls herself away and Sonja quite hilariously says that the back of her head is a rat's nest. This is why Ramona wants to maintain the integrity of her blowout! It isn't all that hard to understand! Oh my God and THEN. Heather wants to keep things moving, but also acknowledges that Ramona split Kristen's lip. Quoth Ramona, "Listen, I split my lip on a shotgun." Quoth Sonja: "I always do." (???????????????) I can't stay mad at these two! They are just delightful. Though I find it patently unwise that anybody is letting Ramona handle a shotgun.

When Ramona comes out to the lawn, where Kristen is icing her lip, Kristen mutters to Carole, "Her hair looks like shit." It bears repeating: Kristen is shady! To her credit, Ramona goes to Kristen and says she reacted instinctually and never intended to hurt her. She actually says that she's sorry. Kristen asks if this is an apology (which, yes, she just said I'm sorry!), and Ramona's "Sort of, I guess," launches yet more debate about the issue. Ramona argues that Kristen threw something at her first (meaning water, which is practically the same as a blood blister for your blow-dry) and also repeatedly screams, "WHO ARE YOU TO GET ME WET? DID I ASK YOU TO GET ME WET?" There is no real way to argue with that. Kristen sarcastically wonders if she should wear a helmet around Ramona, to which I answer: Not a terrible idea. As usual, Sonja provides the best commentary on the situation by saying, "It's very immature to splash. I stopped splashing a long time ago." (Carole's response: "Sonja, that's not true." I LOVE THIS SHOW.)

And then the worst thing happens. Heather says "fustrated." Heather! Go look up proper pronunciation in the liberry! She has an Elvis impersonator come to dinner to delight Kristen, and Kristen maybe humps him in the woods. What happens in Great Barrington stays in Great Barrington, I guess.

The next morning, while the other ladies are having breakfast (Sonja in leopard print linger-ee and a thong and slippers with heels, naturally), Ramona calls her friend Adam. Adam is a pilot with his own plane, and Ramona wants him to come pick her up. When Carole busts her as she's packing, Ramona says she's just organizing her clothes. And then everyone reads Ramona on her hiking outfit, which is for sure a tiny touch of karma. I think Ramona has taken her own advice and downed a Xanax, so she doesn't seem too bothered by it.

Once in the woods, however, Ramona freaks out. Poor Carole is stuck with her as Ramona says that some random spot in the woods reminds her of her childhood backyard where she built a playhouse of rocks and made mud pies. The locale is bringing back traumatic memories, she says, and she wants to go. Conveniently, she already has the plane lined up. She asks Carole for a ride to the airport, and Carole notes in retrospect the suspicious level of organization surrounding Ramona's departure. She thinks Ramona's woods freak-out performance merits at least a People's Choice Award.

And then there's fucking Kristen, who squeals, "She was abused as a child, so she's going to take it out and abuse me?" Jesus, shut your split lip! Sonja gets really pissed, and says that Kristen doesn't know what it feels like to see your mother with her head in a toilet bowl. I mean…yikes. Kristen admits that she does not. But then she also points at her lip again and says that this is abuse too, even if Ramona did not throw a glass at her face while it was inside of a toilet bowl. Or something. And if there's one thing I don't enjoy on my Housewives, it's the exploration of deeply serious issues. Happily, we move right along.

Heather objects to Sonja's claim that Kristen provoked Ramona, saying, "the wrong adjective is provoking." Quoth the Countess in an interview, "If we're going to talk about vocabulary, 'provoking' isn't an adjective. It's a verb. Just saying." Money can't buy you proper syntax, either! Everyone agrees that Ramona could stand to go to therapy, but LuAnn says that Ramona will never do it since she claims that she's got perfect mental health. And…wow, that is some self-perception right there. Sonja passionately defends her, because she is a legit friend and doesn't want Ramona to be alone in the world. Mostly, in life, I just want to hang out with Sonja Morgan and hug her a lot.

Meanwhile, Ramona is SO happy to leave the Berkshires and knows why the caged bird sings (once it is uncaged). Carole is impressed by the private plane situation but also notes (with incredible understatement), "She's very dramatic." When Carole reports back to the others, Sonja is a bit taken aback that Ramona left without saying goodbye to her. We also get a little interlude of the ladies at a swimming hole where you are technically not supposed to swim. (I believe I have actually been to that swimming hole. I had no idea it would one day be sacred waters!) Sonja loses her leopard print shoe but doesn't drown (or nearly drown), which I consider progress.

Heather takes the group (sans Ramona, who has flown off) out on a pontoon boat that belongs to a friend. The pontoon captain is a young man named Austin, who has just turned 20. Austin has graduated from high school but still lives with his parents, which Sonja SAYS is a dealbreaker even though we know she doesn't mean that at all. And man, is Sonja riding this kid's jock. She thinks he seems conservative and asks if he's Catholic. He is, and she says that she is too. And then she asks if he has tried Christian Mingle. He has not. But Sonja has! Of course she has. As will come as no surprise to anybody watching this show, she was categorized as "unmatchable." Just imagine the plight of the poor intern who had to help her construct that profile! And also, why is this not a spin-off? Christian Mangle, maybe?

So, Sonja and her sexy J are going to make a man out of this kid one way or the other. She asks if she can spend the night with him. That's some subtle game, right? Carole tells us that Sonja is old enough to be Austin's mother. I'd argue that technically she's probably old enough to be his grandmother. But so what? Sonja looks great and is probably going to lose her house. If a kid who can steer a boat and still uses Clearasil helps her make it through the night, who are we to judge? She's the straw that stirs the drink! (Sonja tells us that she kept her paws to herself, which, if true, was likely not entirely voluntary.)

One thing that's really rich is Kristen getting pissed that Ramona said she was a pretty face and nothing else. This is a lady who voluntarily uses the tag line, "I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed…but I'm pretty!" My advice to all the young women out there is this: If you don't want people to think you're an idiot, don't make like you're an idiot. Also don't splash people when they have emphatically proven that they don't like to be splashed. Kristen won't stop jawing about the wine glass incident, and calls her creepy husband to tell him all about her blood blister. Kristen's kid hangs up on her, because even he can't stand to hear about her stupid lip anymore.

Thank goodness Sonja is there to start a dance party on the boat. She does not fall overboard, which again is good progress, and tells Austin not to go home and that she wants his number. "What's the harm in getting the kid's number?" she asks. Team Sonja, always and forever. She's honestly not the worst role model you could have.

Case in point: Heather takes the ladies to dinner in town, and Carole looks especially pretty. Sonja agrees, even though she thinks Carole is a bullshit bisexual. Yes, she just called Carole a bullshit bisexual. And then Auntie Sonja gathers us all around her knee and tells a story about how once upon a time the fair maiden Carole flirted with her. And so, as you would, Sonja took her to a gay bar. But it went nowhere and fizzled out immediately. Sonja states that she was "dating Zappos" at the time (?????) but was "open to meeting Carole." And then Carole said to her something along the lines of, "Oh no, I've had experiences with women, just not with you." The gall!

Carole tells everyone that she didn't want to test their friendship, which is kind. She interviews that she loves women but is not bisexual. If she were, she wouldn't have sex with Sonja anyway, because (given the Harry Dubin connection) that would be one degree away from having sex with Aviva. Or maybe zero degrees, who knows. Sonja has more appreciation for LuAnn, who is a "truesexual." Obviously. And, wait. Does this mean that Sonja and LuAnn hooked up? If Harry Dubin was involved, then I repeal my request for further information.

We transition from this delightful dinner conversation to more talk about splash-gate. And then LuAnn gets a text from a friend in the Hamptons, who reveals that Ramona is at Molly Sims' party…with a fresh blow-dry! Everyone agrees that Ramona is milking her past abuse to get out of uncomfortable situation, and even Sonja has to note that when Ramona is being nice, you should get suspicious. LuAnn proposes having an intervention to confront Ramona about her master manipulation, which she thinks will be much more fun than staying mad at her. I look forward to the next episode, entitled, "Split lips for everyone!"