What, you thought I was going to put a gag in the headline? You think that those three words are not beautiful and perfect enough on their own? How you sicken me, you artless philistine.

Yes, the latest in a long line of labour machinery-based sims you would never dream existed is Airport Firefighter Simulator, in which you are all that stands in front of certain, explosive disaster. Quotes like this are simply amazing: “Even the most routine duties of aircraft refuelling and cargo management carry the chance of conflagration so you must always be on your guard to prevent a minor incident becoming a major inferno.”
And more, because I fear I couldn’t summarise this any better:

“Your duties as a fireman require you to maintain vigilance on both day and night shifts, never quite knowing when you will be summoned into action with scores of dramatic missions. Drive ultra realistic renditions of specialist fire fighting vehicles, across 20 km2 of airport, including the famed PANTHER, each vehicle complete with unique equipment ready to be pressed into service for any eventuality.

In a busy airport anything can and will happen, requiring split second decision making and nerves of steel. Only the finest firefighters can operate in an environment where one small spark can lead to disaster. Are you up to taking the heat?”

Omigodomigodomigod. What could such a game possibly be like in action?

Awesome. In so many ways: awesoome.

I’m feeling pretty bruised by the odd dullness of Postal III – words on which will be posted soon – but maybe this can offer the drama I crave? It’s out 17th Feb.

Do you think these are all made by the same guy in his bedroom at weekends? They all look like they use the same 3D engine, so presumably it’s just a case of replacing interfaces, changing out the 3D models and a little bit extra to tailor it all to the setting. They’ve obviously churned enough of them out to make some kind of profit on the side.

I’ve also seen people looking at these once or twice in GAME. I cringed and felt really sorry for them, because they were obviously not what you would call gamers. A part of my soul longed to cry out and warn them. Instead, I walked out of the shop and tried to forget.