A Mormon with a Christ-Centered Perspective on GID

I am a husband, a father, and an active member of the Church with a responsible calling. I have been blessed to receive a fine education, and I have a great job that I enjoy and where I honestly feel like I’m paid more than I’m worth (how many people can say that). I have a life full of rich blessings too many to enumerate here.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has always been a part of my life. My first ancestors on my father’s side joined the Church in the early 1830s. They crossed the plains and settled in parts of Utah. I figured out once that I am a 7th or 8th generation member on that side. And my father has been faithful and active in the Church since his birth. My mother is a convert to the Church. She joined when she was 17. But she was solid even before she was baptized and has never faltered since. If I know anyone whose calling and election I think are made sure, it is she. So like Nephi, I was born of goodly parents who taught correct principles from my birth. To the extent I have done any good, I owe it to the solid foundation I was given. Not only did they teach me right from the start, but they laid the foundation for my own testimony. The first time I remember having a real spiritual witness was when I was about seven. We were told in Primary that a person could know that the Book of Mormon is true by praying about it. My parents reinforced this teaching in a Family Home Evening. So with youthful trust and innocence, I did that. And when I did, I was given a witness of the truthfulness of that Book. That seed of testimony grew and strengthened gradually over time. With that start, I never doubted that the Church was true or that its doctrines were correct.

So I should be just fine, right? I am and always have been active. I served a mission. I married the most wonderful woman in the world in the Temple. I have the best kids in the world. What better life story could a person hope for.

But even with all that, my very earliest memories are memories of wanting very badly to be a girl. When I was four or five years old, I remember day dreaming about having a machine that I could step into, and it would paint my nails and give me long hair and make me a little girl. I didn’t know, or even think about, why I wanted to be a girl. At that young age, I barely understood that there was any difference between boys and girls beyond the superficial aspects of dress and appearance. But I definitely knew I wanted to be a girl.

I guess I felt something inherently shameful about this, because I didn’t tell anybody about it. But I remember I would sneak into my mom’s closet and find her shoes, dresses and nylons and play dress up. Of course, at 5 years old, I wasn’t terribly sneaky, so my parents knew I was doing this. At first, I think my mother thought it was just normal kid stuff, but the fact that I was trying to hide bothered her. It made her think that I thought I was doing something wrong. So eventually my father sat down to talk to me. At this point, I must point out that I have been blessed with two extraordinarily loving and understanding parents. I cannot credit either of them with a perfect understanding of my condition, but I know and have always known that they love me and want what is best for me. So when my father talked to me, it was not in an angry or accusatory tone. He simply explained to me that boys are not supposed to wear girls’ clothes. And in my youthful trust, I accepted that. So I stopped sneaking into my mom’s closet, and eventually I stopped thinking about the machine that would make me a girl. I pushed it all as far towards the back of my mind as I could. Still, as I look back, there was a general discomfort about my gender always hovering in the back of my consciousness. It was covered for a while, but it never went away.

Then I started going through puberty. This is a confusing time, even for a “normal” teenager, so you can imagine the curve ball it threw me. As my hormones started to change, I found that the feelings from my childhood came back, but stronger. This was a dark time of my life, and I won’t recount it in detail. I kept up the proper exterior image of the “good kid” everybody knew I was, but in private I felt filthy and bad. I was filled with guilt, shame, and anguish. I started dressing up in my mom’s clothes again, but now I was more careful. I never got caught. Looking back, I almost wish I had been, because the secrecy was my wost mistake. Because I was ashamed, I never told anybody about any of it. What would they think? I was supposed to be the “good kid.” I was supposed to be the son of this faithful, model family. Sons of faithful, model families don’t go wearing their moms’ clothes. So I kept it all to myself.

Eventually, the weight of the shame was so tremendous that I managed, through whatever quantum of will I possess myself, and more importantly, with the help of the Spirit, despite my prideful refusal to seek help, to stop what I was doing. But I still didn’t tell anybody. I kept it all to myself. For years, I resisted the promptings of the Spirit to talk to my Bishop so that I could share my burden. It was not until I was in the MTC, where the Spirit is overwhelming, that I could no longer resist the Spirit. I spoke with my Branch President, a good, loving man. More than anything, he expressed sorrow that I had carried this burden alone for so long when it would have been so simple to be free of it earlier. He assured me that many teenagers feel confusion as they sort out their identities, and that it wasn’t that unusual. So that’s it, I told myself—just youthful teenage confusion that many people feel. By this time, I had managed to push the strong, ever-present feeling of wanting to be a girl to the back again, and I thought I had beaten it. I was sure it was just a symptom of teenage hormonal changes.

I served my mission and returned home feeling honorable and clean. I felt like I was the person I wanted to be now. I even felt comfortable enough to discuss my teenage years with my parents and talk about what I had put myself through. I learned that my mother had suspected what was going on—with no other evidence than the gentle whisperings of the Spirit—and that it was related to my playing dress up as a child. I appreciated the understanding ear, but now I was looking back on what I thought was a problem I used to have but had beaten.

Again, looking back, I can see that it was actually always there. It wasn’t always quite as strong and forcefully present, but it was definitely there. I had just managed to bury it.

I started college, and two years later, I was blessed to marry the most wonderful woman on the face of the Earth in the temple. I cannot say enough good of my wife. She is kind, faithful, patient and loving. She is an anchor to my soul and a constant source of good in my life. We had known each other since we were teenagers, we had become friends over time, she had written to me (as a friend) while I was on my mission, and eventually we fell in love and married. It was a story book romance better than any I had ever read, and I knew that all was now well.
I felt no need to tell her about my erstwhile feelings of wanting to be a girl. That was all in the past now. I was moving on to a new chapter of my life.

I remember with vivid horror the moment everything came back. It was about six months after we got married. It was late, my wife was already asleep. I had stayed up to study, and I took a break to play a silly computer game. Then all at once, this feeling just washed over me, and I felt everything come back with a vengeance. The dark presence was so strong, I felt paralyzed. It was like this specter was making up for the few years of peace it had given me. It now had gripped me, and to this day, it has not let go of its own accord.

Again, I didn’t tell anybody. This time, I thought, there was no reason to tell. I wasn’t doing anything. It was just a strong, persistent feeling. Sure, my thoughts were often less than upright, but you don’t have to go to the Bishop every time you have a bad thought. You repent, improve, move on. I would get my mind fixed on good things, and overcome it through force of will. So again, i didn’t say anything to anybody. In fact, and rather ironically, one of the things that made my determination not to do anything wrong so iron clad was knowing that if I did, I would have to go see a Bishop and talk about it all again. That would be such an embarrassment. And if I started working with the Bishop, my wife would know something was going on. And I knew she could never know. What would she think? I knew that if she knew, she would surely leave me in a heartbeat, and that would destroy me.

So I lived with it. Again, I put on a public show of “all is well,” but inside I was miserable and eaten up with my thoughts. I felt very dark and empty inside. But over a very, very long time, the Spirit again worked against my rebellious and proud spirit. Eventually, I realized that I absolutely could not do this alone. I needed to be able to talk about this, and I couldn’t keep it from my wife. She deserved to know the truth. Yet even after I decided to do it, I could never find the “right time. ” There was always some excuse for delay. Then, finally, one day shortly after our 5th wedding anniversary, I let go of the excuses, and sat next to her on our bed and explained what was going on.

Understandably, she felt shocked, hurt and betrayed. I can’t begin to understand what must have gone through her heart and mind as I explained it all, but for a few days, she was so disturbed she could hardly look at me. The fact that she did not get on a plane the next day and fly home and leave forever I can ascribe only to her saintly nature. She is far too good for me. She is far better than I deserve. To this day, my GID is as difficult for her as it is for me, but she has faithfully stood with me the whole time.

After I spoke to my wife, I felt a huge weight released. I then was able to call and talk to my parents and let them know what was going on. They were supportive, as always—especially my dear mother, with whom I have always been close. Sharing my burden with people I could trust lifted the burden. I finally realized that confession is good for the soul, even if you haven’t done anything that requires a Bishop’s intervention for repentance. After I opened up, I was finally on the way to a long, slow road to redemption (I’m still on it). I still had huge trials ahead of me, but at least I felt I was going in the right direction.

And I’m serious when I say I still had trials ahead. I still struggled. My thoughts were still troubled. I still failed far too often. Things came to a head at one point when I had to be separated from my wife for a period of time. Like I said, she is my anchor. She is the quieting influence in my life. I don’t do well without her. So when we had to be separated for a time, I started sliding backwards. I could see where I was headed. This is when I finally spoke to a Bishop again. He gave me some good counsel, and then gave me a blessing, anointing me with oil and promising me that I would someday be healed (more on this later). He also advised me that LDS Social Services might be able to help, and gave me the name of a counselor. Unfortunately, circumstances delayed the appointment, and then we moved to another state.

Once I was back with my wife, I felt better, so I just kept going for a little while. But eventually I started feeling overwhelmed again. This time I knew what to do. With my wife’s support, I spoke to our Bishop. I explained that I wasn’t coming to confess any grave sin, but that I was just struggling with these feelings. Our Bishop was a man of mighty faith, and though he did not understand the problem well, he comforted and strengthened me and gave me a blessing. He then referred me to LDS social services again. This time I was able to get in and see a counselor.

I wish I could say that this good brother had all the answers, but he didn’t, and it wasn’t until some time later that I realized that didn’t matter (see the post on Two Conference Talks). What he was able to do was to give me some good, sound advice. I think I will speak of that more in other posts, but the important thing is that he kept me going in the right direction.

Since I opened up about my problem, I have been able to lean heavily on the Priesthood. I cannot count the number of Priesthood blessings my father has given me. I also received a powerful blessing from my grandfather, a Patriarch with a beautiful power of expression and a loving heart.

And here I am today. You will notice I have chosen to remain anonymous. That is not from the shame I used to feel, but from the fact that not everybody needs to know. I have shared with the people who do need to know, and it has helped. A lot. But I also know there are many in the Church who would immediately assume that I am some kind of leper if they knew of these feelings. So I’d just rather not go there. It is enough that I can share on this forum.

I will continue to share my feelings, insights, and the things I have learned over many years of dealing with this. As I said in the About page, I hope that I can offer some insight to somebody struggling with this like I am. And I hope you can share your experience and strengthen me. I can’t promise you all the answers. I don’t have them. I just have some things that have worked for me. But if I had to choose one piece of advice that is more important than any other, it is this: Don’t do it alone. Share with somebody. Open up. Don’t hide behind your shame. It doesn’t work. Share with somebody and get some help.

When we choose to walk on the straight and narrow path we have the promise of eternal life and happiness. For those of us with heavy burdens, the journey often seems too long and steep. However, taking one step at a time need only be our focus. Our speed is not important, only our direction! And we don’t have to do it alone! I’m proud to be your sister in the gospel of Christ.

[…] give him a quick “thank you”. What ensued was an unexpected spiritual experience, as I read the life story of an active Mormon struggling with Gender Identity Disorder. This man’s very personal and honest story touched my heart and it allowed me to reflect on my […]

Wow. I am impressed and grateful that you have shared this. One of my dearest friends left the Church, her temple-sealed spouse and newly adopted baby to pursue a lesbian relationship. I had seen signs of trouble in her, but had no idea what to do to help. Your being willing to share this trial is a great service.
I am strengthened by your faith in the face of such difficult struggles. May you and your family continue to be blessed!
I have learned from my own recent severe challenge of losing a child in death that some of the deep pain of mortality will continue all our lives. How surely we can prove our desire to return to Heavenly Father under such circumstances! He can have no doubt of your love for Him!

Michelle, thank you so much for your beautiful comment. I’m sorry to hear about your friend. One of my purposes is to help others see that there really are other alternatives than just going the world’s way, but so many, even in the Church, can’t see that.

I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child. I took a look at your blog, and your thoughts are lovely. I’ll be adding you to my blogroll.

Please excuse the following whining tone. I have a lot of hurt inside and I want others to see a glimpse of how I feel.
Having GID/being transgender really, really, really sucks. I’ve seen dark days in my life. Can you imagine how awkward, uncomfortable, dreadful, and awful it would be to have been born with genitalia of the other sex? To cross your legs or use a washcloth to cover up what you don’t want to see while in the shower/bath? To feel sick to your stomach while/after being intimate with your spouse? Etc. It’s hard!
Is it wrong for me to have strong, internal longings to be a loving mother, and a wife, and to nurture, and to care for others in a gentle, feminine way? Is it wrong to want to be a sister? To be a daughter of God?
I pour out my soul to God, I mourn by day, I cry by night, I go to church, I council with Bishops, Stake Presidents, and therapists.
I’m in my 20’s. I served an honorable full-time mission. I never cheated on my wife; I gave her all of my love and served her from the bottom of my heart. She was devastated; she didn’t want to be married to someone who is transgender. I can choose my actions but I can’t choose to not be transgender. I can’t change nor do I want to change my female wiring.
Am/Was I supposed to be able to go more than 12 consecutive months wanting hormones and a path toward sex change without doing so?
Why do some people think I can’t or shouldn’t contribute to the world, serve in the church, and/or praise God as a woman?

Jamie, thank you so much for your post. I wrote a response that got so long, I made it a separate post. It’s here.

Also, we have a mailing list for LDS Gender Identity issues that I moderate. It’s been kind of quiet the last week or so, but a new friend may be just the thing we need to inject some more conversation. If you’d like to join, click here. We’d love to have you. I think you’ll find the atmosphere loving and non-judgmental.

Thanks so much for your inspiring story. I am so glad that you were able to get help early. I hid it so long and did things that can not be changed that it is very hard for me. Some things I have done will never be able to be given back to my wife and family. I can relate to almost your whole story. I too was very young when I first encountered the feeling of something is not right about me. I also secretly wanted to be a girl. I was always so happy when my sisters would practice putting make up on me and playing dress up. A also snuck my clothing from my mom and sisters.

I hated my gender so badly that I wanted to cut my parts off and tried a couple of times. I went through numerous peroids where I could force the desire to become a woman deep in the back of my mind. I could never keep those feelings and thoughts form coming back. I like how you described as it washed all over you and came at you with vengence. I would add to that it increased with strength everytime it would surface. It hit me so hard a few years ago that I fell and am struggling to get back up. I have not been able to put the feelings in the back of my mind. I have tried for 5 years now and it is so strong that I can count the hours of freedom in a day on one hand and those keep getting shorter every day. It feels like the hole in my heart is getting bigger and bigger everyday. Your story gives me a little sign of hope. I pray and visit the temple often to get strength. Lately I can not find peace even in the temple. I love my family and don’t want to lose them. They are worth fighting for. I too am seeing a counselor and it helped at first, but I have stumped him and he is great enough that he is looking for ways to help. Sorry if I sound so down I don’t mean to. It comes with the territory. Thanks for letting my write a little message to you and again I thank you for sharing.

“Unique,” thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment. I have been very inactive on the blog now for quite a while, and I was just wondering if I ought to start trying to post some more. And then you show up, and that makes me think maybe I should.

I am so sad to hear your story. I have heard it so many times, and I have seen it lead to those who ultimately remain faithful to the Gospel, as well as those who reject the Gospel and seek after a “mortal peace.” I so want to see you be one of the former. I can’t give you all the answers, but I know that God loves you and He would not have given you this trial if He didn’t trust you to have the strength to bear it well.

In my experience, the feeling of loneliness is one of the worst aspects of GID. That’s why I started the blog, and the North Star group. Please consider joining our mailing list. I can’t tell you how much it has helped me to just have others there to talk to who share a common experience. We run a mailing list through North Star, which is an LDS group that is mostly people dealing with SRS. Many of us are not at all attracted to the same sex (including meno interest in men at all), though a few of us have both GID and SRS. In any case, it helps SO much to just have others there. If you’d like to sign up, go to http://www.northstarlds.org/groups_rule1_genderidentity.php

One thing is I would recommend setting up a gmail account, because for some reason, Google Groups will only let you look at the archives with a Google account (this bugs me, but it’s something I can’t really control right now). And the archives have a wealth of past discussion. You may find some of it helpful.

I will keep you in my prayers. Please don’t hesitate in the least to contact me if you need help.

Thanks for replying. I sent in a request yesterday for North Star. It’s an interesting name because that is my home states motto.

I am trying very hard to be one who makes it. I have been married for 19 years now and have a super strong wife. I don’t know why she has stuck it out, but I love her. We struggled the first 9 years with infertility. We lost 9 pregnancies before our first boy was born, we have 4 now, 4, 6, 9 and 11yrs. The hardest part is to protect them. I came from a messed up family and don’t want them to go through anything like that. So that is why I am in so much pain. I am torn between them and my identity. Sounds kind of selfish, but I am really struggling with it. I had kept things secret from my wife till last year and dropped the bomb on her on a dark night. I can’t remember anything for about 2 or 3 days after that. I have done some major things she didn’t know about. She knew something was wrong and she thought she was literally going crazy. Somehow through this she is still here and I am so blessed she didn’t toss me out. Loneliness is horrible and I have her to talk to, but it is hard because I am hurting her with the pain and feelings that I go through. It tears me apart hurting her as I hurt myself. It is one horrible cycle.

Thanks soooo much for your story. My brother came to me last night with his same feelings that you have encountered your entire life and has a similar story. I finally after searching the scriptures sat down and googled info and you were the first thing that popped up on the screen. I wasn’t even sure if there was any information out there for me, to use to help him, on his journey to find some comfort. And yet here you are, someone brave enough to put out his story, anonymous or not. My brother has not done anything to hurt himself or his eternal blessings as of yet and is seeking help from a psychiatrist. I am encouraging him to speak to church social services before he makes any “decisions” and he has promised me. He finally admitted to me he almost committed suicide about a week or so ago to try to get away from his feelings and to not hurt our mother but is better now that he finally talked to a couple of his friends and myself and knows he is no longer alone and has support. I feel very blessed that I was the one family member he felt was “open minded” enough to hear his feelings and let him know I love him no matter what, but I have been up all night wondering how to tell him the right things, to help encourage him to stay on the right path. I can’t even explain my feelings right now other than I just dont want to say the wrong thing(s) to my brother to push him away. I love him so much and even if I end up being the only family member to accept him and what ever his choice ends up being I want to help him stay on the right path and you will let him know that it is possible with the help of a loved one to be by yourside no matter what. Again, thanks for sharing your story and giving me hope to know I can truly be with my brother forever.

Thank you for your comment. It’s always painful for me to hear yet another heart-wrenching story of a person caught between faith and GID, but I would give so much to be able to be of benefit to my fellow sufferers.

I think the hardest thing is I see so many people at this point—where they feel like they’ve endured for as long as they can, and they’re at the moment of crisis where they must do SOMETHING. It’s hard because I have absolutely no good answers to give them. The only thing I can say—and often do say—is that when you stand in that moment, humble yourself before the Savior, who knows your pain and suffers it with you, and seek His counsel on where to go from here. I believe that the person who truly does this, humbly seeking to do His will, will find the answers that work for him or her.

Please tell your brother that he is welcome to join our e-mail list if he wants. He may not feel so alone when he sees that there are others who are in the same situation.

Thanks for your reply, and so quickly. I love my brother so much and will be there for him. I want to say the right thing to him to let him know he can live with these feelings and still be an amazing man. I’m just so lost at how I understand, help, live with, support and show my brother that there is something beyond just running out and changing himself. He has lived with his for so long by himself and I’m so afraid he is to far gone onto the side of changing himself I just dont know what to do. I have let him know I am there for him and we are talking very openingly to eachother but I just dont what the right thing(s) to say to him are. I have already given him your website to read your story and I’m hoping that it will show him there is an amazing spiritual side besides just the “wordly” side to his situation. He seems to have lost most of his faith at this point; do you have any suggestions for me besides my support and love to help him at this time? Again, thanks for being so open to the world, especially church members, in showing there is hope out in the world. I really don’t think I can express in words the comfort you gave me after my brother first told me. I felt he was going to be lost and you showed me he can be saved (if he is willing) but gave me peace I would not have had in showing me another path he can take to still make it back home in the end.

Again, thanks for your courage, time, and willingness to help so many people in the world. If not for people like you so many would not have a chance. You offer amazing strenghth and endurance to all of us on both sides of this issue to help us all through. My prayers are with you and your family for all that you give.

I to have a long story that has taken month for me to write and get all my feelings added to it, but I still find myself adding to it. I will not post all of it, just parts that seem to express exactly how I feel.
“The desire, or impulse, to be a girl is just as strong if not stronger than an addiction. The difference; I did not choose this like an addict chooses to partake in a substance. I am borne with this and it will never go away. No amount of abstaining will lessen the want, and there is nothing I can do to make it go away. I am stuck with this insatiable passion my whole life. The only way out is Gender reassignment surgery, or death.(I am not talking suicide)”
‘Having the Gender Reassignment Surgery simply is not enough for me. It will not bring me all the experiences I was denied growing up; Playing with dolls, being a pretty princess, going through adolescence, puberty, and all the good and bad of growing up girl. To be able to forgo the misery and turmoil of believing how I feel is a sin; the trauma of going through male puberty and all the loathed changes that go with it. I hate testosterone and what it does to me; the aggression and anger that it brings. It feels foreign to me though I have had to deal with it all my adult life. It feels like it is not a part of me like something that I can not control. It sets me apart from other males. ”
“Now that I am an adult, the thing that tears my heart and hurts the absolute most, I will never experience Motherhood. I have been deprived of all the joys and sorrows of carrying and giving birth. The joy that comes from the special bond only a mother and child can shares. My heart aches in a dull pain knowing that I will never get the opportunity to experience this. I would give up eternity for one life of motherhood. ”
“I feel all alone. My marriage has failed and I have no desire to ever remarry. When I was first married I hoped that it would make how I feel more bearable, that some how being close to a woman would ease the want. I was mistaken. It did the exact opposite. It, over time, made the desire stronger, and threw in jealousy and resentment. I became jealous of her and the fact that she has what I wanted. I resented her for that as well. My jealousy grew when she became pregnant, and had everything I had desired my entire life. So I withdrew from her. The thought of ever remarrying, and going through that again, scares me to no end.”
and finaly…
“I hate my life, I hate my body, and in my mind I scream out, “Why me? Why have I been cursed like this?” I just wish I could be happy with who I am. Though, I do not plan on changing my body, that will cause my family too much grief and the trauma that it will cause to my little girl (whom I love more then life itself) will be unbearable to me. I will strive to live within accordance to the church and the teachings of Jesus Christ. I have faith that all will be maid right in the end, and that my heavenly father is mindful of me and will never give me a trial that is too big for me to handle. So I will go on living in misery, with hop that in the end when I die I will find some comfort in the eternities.
One of my biggest fears is that when I die that my spirit will be male and I will spend all eternity feeling this way.”

I have an LDS GID mailing list, and that is one of the most common things I hear—people fear that in the resurrection, they will find that they really are the gender they despise being.

I’m so sad to hear about the failure of your marriage. GID has definitely added strain to my marriage at times, and I must credit my wife with the extreme patience she has exercised since I told her about it. I understand completely your desire to experience, above everything else, the glories of motherhood. I also completely understand your feeling that transition could never be enough, because it could never give you the sublime experience of growing up as a devoted daughter of God.

I wish I could give to you and to everybody else the peace and comfort the Lord has given me. I have gotten to where I at least feel like my GID is manageable. I can’t promise that the Lord will give you the same answers He has provided for me, but I can promise that if you put your trust in Him and truly consecrate your all to Him—up to and including that last bit, which I know is the hardest to lay on the altar, your very gender identity—that He will return to you gifts that far exceed the most things you permit yourself to imagine. If it is God’s will that you live your life as a male, it is because He has prepared for you gifts that are far sweeter than the imperfect fruit of transition could ever be.

If you’d like to join our mailing list, there is a link at the top of the page.

I think I know how to get to where my GID is manageable and I want to get there, but it is just taking the first step. Stepping off into the dark not knowing what is waiting for me. I started talking with my bishop and he seems to think we can handle it together. I don’t think he fully understands how strongly I feel. I know I can’t keep hiding behind my fear of being found out. Do I talk about it so it is out there and there is no hiding, if so then to whom?
I whish there was more resourced in the church for GID. I did not know what it was called until a year a go. My whole life I thought I was all alone and had to suffer alone. I stopped praying, and hated going to a church that did not seem to understand how I feel. I felt that I could not take this problem to the lord. How could I ask why I was not a girl? Why do I feel this way? I thought I would be slapping him in the face (you gave me this wonderful body, but I am not happy with it). I felt ungrateful.
Now that I see there is understanding in the church, and this is a trial made just for me, and the lord is on my side. He understands me and is mindful of my strengths and weaknesses. He will never give me anything I can’t handle. I have faith in the lord and that all will me made right in the end, I just need to take the first step and practice that faith. Take the first step into the darkness.

I have found peace in my church (what I said is what I thought and how that made me feel, not what I have now found). My wife does not know about my GID, I have not told her about it yet. She left for other reasons.

I related strongly with a lot of the things you said. I’ve been an active member of the church for my entire life. Except for a few moments in my life I never really wanted to be a girl–but I always felt like I was one inside. I spent most of my life trying to ‘kill’ the girl inside me and put a man in there instead. So, I guess my sorry is different than most in the sense that I didn’t exactly want to be a girl I just felt like I was one. Anyway, that lead to extreme depression, to hurting myself and it lead me very close to committing suicide. Thankfully the Lord saved me from that. Recently I have found a great deal of peace by actually learning to love who I am on the inside how God love me. I’ve found that my viewpoints on things seem different than most that have GID and I find it refreshing to be able to relate somewhat with others that do.

Christi,
Thank you for stopping by. I look forward to reading some more of your blog. Unfortunately, I have been very bad about keeping up with this one. Please feel free to join our mailing list too. (There’s a link on the left.)

I think your perspective is very refreshing. A lot of people try very hard to convince themselves that they are “women trapped in men’s body” (including many in the church.) I have instead found it more productive to describe this as feeling like there is a strong female essence locked inside my soul, and she wants to be set free. I think that the Jungian “anima” is a very useful description.

Thank you for sharing your story. In many ways I felt as if I was reading my own story. I am an active member of the Church, and have struggled with GID for most of my life. When I was younger, I would sneak into my sister’s room and steal her underwear or swimsuits and sometimes wore her prom dress around the house when I was home by myself. By the time I was 10 or 11, I began contemplating ways that I could “act out” in public. Once I wore a bra and another time I wore my sister’s swimsuit underneath several layers of clothes while walking the dog. To my knowledge I was never caught, although my little sister once came very close to walking in on me.

When I was younger, I would pray endlessly that I would wake up as a girl. I even offered God various options – I’d be willing to be born again, go back to being a baby if it meant I could start over as a girl or he could just give me the right genitalia and I’d be willling to face my parents, media, etc. for the unexplained event. Up until that point in time in my life, I did not know anything that I was doing was wrong. Then, when I was 11, my dad (I’m sure being prompted) decided to take me to the priesthood session of general conference even though I wasn’t yet ordained. During that session, President Packer made a passing comment about how it was wrong for a priesthood holder to ever cross dress (I’ve gone back and searched for that talk, and the line apparently didn’t make the final, online print version). Instantaneously, guilt descended upon me. It was totally unexpected. While, like you, I think I recognized I was doing something “shameful” I didn’t realize that what I was doing was “sinful.” I swore I would never crossdress again. I failed.

For the next two years I struggled. I’d go several months but ultimately find myself in a bra and panties again. It happened for the last time a few months before my 14th birthday. I had a friend spending the night. He fell asleep early, but I couldn’t sleep. I caved to my temptation again and snuck into my sister’s room to put on her underwear. The guilt was overwhelming. I stayed up all night, alternating praying and reading Enos begging for forgiveness. It came at about 6 am right as the sun was rising. I don’t think I’ve ever felt better.

But, that didn’t take away my feelings. A few months later I found a website that had short fictional stories about people magically transforming (usually science fiction-esque) into the opposite sex. I read them viraciously, some even contained graphic sex scenes (I wish I could forget some of those scenes). I would sit and daydream. Again, while I knew I was doing something shameful, I did not know it was sinful. The new For the Strength of Youth handbook came out and explicitly said that pornography could be written, not necessarily visual. Again the guilt was unbearable, and I quit cold turkey.

I still occasionally would pray that God would turn me into a girl. My thought was that if God did it, it couldn’t be a sin. One day I was reading in the Book of Mormon shortly after one such prayer (which I had even convinced myself that God has said yes too, and was eager to go to sleep so I could wake up a woman), and I read Alma 29:3, “But behold, I am a man, and do sin in my wish.” Never had or has a verse leaped off the page so forcefully as that one.

Since then, I’ve mostly struggled with thoughts. It was a long time before I realized the difference between a temptation and a sin. I felt like I needed to get my patriarchal blessing around 14 or 15 after EFY. However, each time I would decide on it, I would be bombarded, worse than before with thoughts of wanting to be a girl. I would sink into depression and conclude I was unworthy. Like clockwork, it would happen every six months or so. I finally resolved on it at 18, and confessed to my bishop during the interview everything I had gone through. He assured me it was ok, and gave me a recommend. I really hoped that the blessing (among other things) would say something like “you sex was determined before you were born.” At first I was disappointed, but over time I was shocked at the number of times in the blessing that it says “You are a son of god.” It was the very first thing said, and the very last thing said, and said numerous times in between.

The feelings persisted, and I had some close calls. It was clear that my high school theatre director intended to cast me in a female role that was usually played by a man. I was sorely tempted. I tried to justify it, but with the encouragment of my father (who was again prompted, he still did not know my struggles) I refused the part. Once on my mission they seem to subside. I remember only two times that they surfaced – once was a dream where I underwent SRS and married my companion, and another time near the end of my mission where I just couldn’t shake the thought. I talked about it with my mission president, who encouraged me to recognize the difference between temptations and sins and to forgive myself.

Coming home they grew more persistent. But I’ve been able to cope with them. I talked to my bishop about it shortly after I got back and he encouraged me. I wasn’t sure I would ever find a woman who would accept my past, but I felt strongly that I needed to be up front about it before we got married. I told the woman who is now my wife after we had dated about six months, and she was unbelievably understanding. We’ve been married a little over a year now, and I admit that I still struggle with thoughts. There have been times that I’ve wanted nothing more than to be pregnant, or to breastfeed, or to wake up having switched bodies with my wife. Sometimes, it intrudes in my mind during intimacy, and I admit that I’ve fantasized about being the woman. It goes in phases . . . this past week I’ve struggled a lot, which is why I went searching online. I typed in ways to cope with gender identity disorder “mormon” and this site came up. Thank you for your story . . . even if I should be studying for exams right now. Please keep posting.

Remember you are not alone–there are probably thousands of members of our church that have GID or at least I’ve ran into enough of us to speculate that. I really agree with the comment sweetisthepeace left for you. Honestly, I don’t see anything sinful about learning to love your femininity as well as your masculinity–after all God took Eve from Adam didn’t He? I just have to say that I’m so glad that you told you wife before you got married–it’s so amazing to have a loving and understanding spouse. I am so grateful for mine.

Can I join your mission president and your bishops in encouraging you not to beat up yourself so much? I honestly believe you have done nothing wrong. Even the cross dressing, while it may be a bad idea, I don’t believe was a sin per se. (At least, I can’t find it anywhere in the scriptures.) It’s one of the hardest lessons I had to learn. I spent years despising myself for what I was. There’s not reason to do that. Love yourself for who you are. I think a lot of the misery of GID comes from bucking too hard against ourselves, creating a lot of discord in our own souls.

When i was reading it I was like…these people like looked inside my head somehow. It’s almost like you wrote what I went through. It’s so crazy but hopeful at the same time that seeing someone else with this will help me get through it. I hope many of you keep posting, particularly on some of the inspirations you get to deal with this.

There are times this feels like it will swallow me up and spit out whatever is left. It would be harder without being able to gain strength from some of the insights some of you wrote.

Also I see a few names from blogs I’ve already seen like Christi’s…*wave*

I’ve got the added challenge of not having a family yet, but I still remain hopeful and pro family that someday things will work out that I can have that too like the rest of you.

I keep hearing this same theme over and over again: that we all thought “Am I the only one out there like this?” Or at least, “Am I the only one in the Church like this?”

And time after time, the answer I hear is “No!” We’re out there, and we need each other’s help, because that’s really all we have. Nobody really understands this condition. Even we don’t. But it’s always less painful when you have a friend.