Category Archives: floods

Feeling a bit sjösjuk
A Harold man has criticised Greta Thunberg for sailing to a climate conference, because ocean seasickness vomit levels are already at breaking point.

“A bit more aviation fuel pollution isn’t going to do any harm,” said local climatologist Mike Fairchild. “Compared to the amount of puke and poos she’s going to drop in the ocean, it would be a drop in the ocean. It wouldn’t even be in the ocean.”

“Birds have evolved to keep out of the way of planes. Now we have to start thinking about the whales and sharks who are traumatised when a massive shit comes their way after a ship passes.”

“Thunberg is famous for her green credentials,” he continued, “and it shows on her face the moment she steps on board a boat. Puke and diarrhoea are best stored in a sewer behind a fat-ball, not dumped on the seabed.”

“This whole eco-trip by boat malarkey is going to backfire and she’ll be left with egg on her face and ketchup running down her smock,” he added.

While scientists are over the moon with their discovery of a water lake on Mars, residents of North West England have expressed disappointment that their hosepipe ban will not be cancelled.

“Water on Mars isn’t really going to help with the regional water shortage,” said a spokesman for United Utilities.

“Our job is to manage the water here in Lancashire and we’re not very good at that, so you can’t honestly think, as some have suggested, that we may as well try to run a pipeline from Mars. Not without a feasibility study anyway.”

Yorkshire Water proved once again how hard it is, with an expected win over soft West Country underdogs in the Hard Water final in the River Calder in Yorkshire in heavy rain.

The West Countrymen had fluked a place in the final with a surprise win over Harold Waterworks last Saturday on the River Gluggle. But the visitors put in a soggy performance in Calderdale as the final ebbed and flowed during the first 20 minutes with neither side able to breach the opponent’s defences.

“We was all wet and wishy-washy,” admitted Barry Babbacombe, the flushed WC manager as they went in at half time 2-0 down. Continue reading →

Stung by criticism of its housing and flood relief policies, the government has announced plans to kill two birds with one stone by building 13,000 new homes at the bottom of a large lake.

Outlining the idea, Prime Minister David Cameron explained that although it seemed initially counter-intuitive, the scheme would bring huge benefits through reducing uncertainty and bringing a “consistent environment where householders can plan ahead with confidence, without constant need for government bail-out.”

“In this unpredictable climate, people have no idea what to expect,” he argued. “Dry one day, wet the next – it’s all over the place. What we’re offering is a lifestyle where people really know where they stand. At the bottom of a lake.” Continue reading →

Hordes of dolts with limited imagination have been gathering along the beaches of south west England, hoping to see ‘the high tide of the century’.

“We can hardly wait” enthused popular Harold Curate Andy, pegging his windbreak with pebbles “I’ve heard it could be as high as a four-storey house. What’s that in metric then, about two feet? I can’t see anything going wrong but as I’ve brought the Sunday School class, I’ll allow three for safety.”

Andy explained that, by a stroke of bad luck, he’d just missed out on the Indonesian Tsunami. He’d been back-packing in the area only a month earlier, so he’s determined not miss out on some big-surf-wave action closer to home.

“The man on the TV said we should take precautions to ensure we stay safe and don’t put the emergency services at risk” said Andy “That’s why we’re wearing our b.o.g.o.f Eclipse Glasses.”

Touched by the plight of lambing sheep stranded on the Somerset Levels, Harold architect Joseph Blythe has applied to Harold Council for permission to convert his high-spec open-plan living accommodation back into the barn from which he created it a decade ago.

“It’s a long-term job that’s going to cost a lot of money,” he said, but remains undaunted by the scale of the project, which involves ripping out the balconied mezzanine above the main living area and replacing it with a simple hayloft and digging up the Italian stone floor tiles to create a soil-level sleeping area for the sheep. Continue reading →

Flood summit meetings were held today in Somerset between Government ministers and representatives of the insurance and financial industries. It had been feared that holding the talks in a county which was completely underwater would cause problems but this was not the case according to Flooding Minister Dan Rogerson:

“We floated a raft of proposals across the table and told them to ‘Bubble, gluggle, wubble’. They responded with a rather damp ‘Wurgle, gurgle, blurgle’, but we put our flippers down firmly and insisted, ‘Globble, wuggle, floggle.’”

“This is the sort of straight talking these people understand. I’m confident we got our message across.” Continue reading →