Tag Archives: Husband

Hey, girl, good morning. How are you? Rocking the day with a sparkle or a little fatigued today?

I’m in the latter category this morning. Up late arguing with husband. Always a good time. If you’ve been married for more than a month, I’m guessing you’ve been here.

So, yes, it sucked and was unpleasant and ate up many hours of what would have been sleep, but we ended in a better place, with a better understanding of each other and of ourselves, so that was good. Very good, actually.

But the getting there – oy.

Living a life entwined exclusively with one other person – nothing better, in my opinion, for us or our kids, but also so much work. So. Much. Work.

Here are my needs. What are your needs? Here is my energy. Do you have energy? Do you have energy for the laundry? I’ll trade you the laundry for the bills? No? Okay, I’ll do the bills and you do laundry and dog throw-up, deal? Yo! Fever of 104! Drop everything and call the doctor! You call, I’ll get the cool water and wash cloth! And romance. Romance? Um, how does Friday look for you?

It’s this constant negotiation and adjustment and to-and-froing on the fly, all while the kids are watching and learning what love is supposed to look like.

It’s pouring yourself out in generosity. It’s receiving gifts that may be different from what you expected. It’s communication and forgiveness and determination to make it work.

It’s like the deer’s line about coffee in Open Season: terrible and wonderful all at the same time.

So, if you are sparkly and high energy today, awesome, congrats and please enjoy every minute of it, Mamma, I love days like that.

If you, like me, are a little dragging and tired and spent from working on life today (or last night), then my heart goes out to you, and please know that you are not alone. Have an extra cup of coffee, darling, and breathe. And know, please know, that this is not disaster; it’s part of the dance.

In all the busybusybusy, please find one hour to just sit and be, yes? At least one hour. NO phone – the phone is off, gone, out of sight for this entire hour. No TV, no movie, no computer. One hour where you sit with your kids, let them lean on you, crawl all over you, talk to you. One hour, with no thought of laundry or bills or in-laws, deal?

And that husband, if you are lucky enough to have one, him too. Find some time, in all the rushing and the family obligations and the cheering for the kids at the track meet, find some time to look him in the eye, smile and tell him that you love him. If you can snuggle up tonight, after the kids are in bed, with a beer or a glass of wine and tell him why you respect him, better yet.

Busy is awesome. Full lives are great. But without a moment of quiet, busy gets to be frantic. And a couple that works well together is awesome, team power parents! But without that moment of love, marriage, romance, the flame could die out, and you don’t want that. You are husband and wife, not high functioning room-mates, right?

Good morning, Mamma! Happy Friday! Are you ready for the weekend? Me too.

I watched a video called “Fish Love” with my daughter last night. She has been asking me about relationships lately, how you “know” a person is the right person for you. The video was part of a much longer conversation she and I have been having for years.

We had six hours in the car on a college visit earlier this week, just she and I. It was wonderful. Epic. I loved it so much.

A little background: We don’t let our kids date till they’re sixteen. Our son chose to date a bit in high school; our daughter has not dated yet (she’s a senior now, eighteen.) She hasn’t taken any kind of dramatic vow, and it’s not that she hasn’t been asked, she’s had a number of very sweet and respectful what-are-you-doing-this-weekends from half a dozen boys and one girl (that was an interesting conversation).

She and her friends go out – swing dancing, movies, museums. They get together to run, to play Frisbee, to play board games at home with mom bringing snacks to them by the plateful.

I wish I had been so smart.

My daughter, to her credit, doesn’t want to date for the sake of dating. She has decided to wait until she finds someone she can imagine being with for the long run. She has started thinking very seriously about this recently so the depth and intensity of our conversations has ramped up.

You need to respect each other, I told her, that’s a must-have. You don’t want someone you need to walk behind, nor someone you have to drag along, you want someone who will stand side-by-side with you and pull the plow together.

And it helps if you have that playful thing going; life gets hard, play will help to get you through those times. You have to be able to communicate, even when it’s hard; if you’re afraid to talk to him, the relationship won’t work. And you have to have trust, that’s another must-have. It’s not that neither of you will make mistakes, in fact, I guarantee both of you will make mistakes, it’s just that you need to know in your core that your man will choose to be there for the long-haul, even when it’s hard. I told her that it helps if you have similar taste – not that you have to like all the same things, but you have to have some kind of shared interest. (And I-want-to-kiss-you is important, but it isn’t enough of a shared interest.)

Whomever you pick, no matter how wonderful they are, they will be imperfect, and they will eventually do something to hurt you, and you, by the way, aren’t perfect either, you will do something at some point that will hurt them too. You just have to look at the balance, the good and the difficult, the supports and the hurts, and ideally choose someone who will bring more joy than pain into the relationship.

Whomever you pick, it will be work. Everything in life takes work. It doesn’t matter if you’re talking about a garden, a baseball mitt or a relationship, if you want something to last, you have to take care of it.

You can have a great life with more than one person, that is, there is no One Perfect Person For Me out there, waiting to be found. Your life will look different depending on which person you pick, but there are a number of people you could have a good life with. When you do choose, that act of commitment, that trust, that forsaking all others, is part of what makes your relationship strong. That choice, that act of choosing, that choosing every day, brings something beautiful to that relationship. To choose to be there, even when you meet a new someone you are attracted to, because you will meet another someone you are attracted to, you’re still human, so be ready for that too.

I’m-with-you-as-long-as-you-make-me-happy is not a relationship to be aspired to.

…This morning, my husband and I decided to carve Sunday afternoon out for ourselves. Date-Day. All that talking with my daughter reminded me that I need to curate and nurture my own relationship. Too easy to get too busy.

What do you think, Mamma? How did I do? Anything else you think I should have told my girl? We’re going to have another long ride tomorrow; I expect it’ll come up again.

Hello, Mamma. So, for the last two months, while my company’s manufacturing arm got their part of our project together, I have had a chance to get a taste of what it’s like to be a stay-at-home mom. Sure, I did some studying, did some background research for a colleague’s project, tidied my office, but nothing like the usual madness of my working life. From November 1 till this last Monday, I was pretty much on hold. And I got to spend a great deal of that time at home.

Heaven, you think?

I won’t lie, it was, especially at first, pretty freaking awesome. But, after a while, really, you probably won’t believe this, I missed my work. I missed the urgency of my days. I missed parsing my calendar in fifteen minute increments. I missed jogging in parking lots because I didn’t have time to walk. I missed the kids yelling “MOM!!” when I walked in the door at night. I missed my life.

At first, I loved cooking every meal for my family. Loved the laundry and the dishes and all the mom-ing of it. Loved being home when they got home from school every day. LOVED IT. Went to bed thanking God for this amazing chance to be with my family. But after about six weeks of everyone assuming that because-mom’s-work-is-on-hold-she’ll-have-time-to-do-the-dishes, it lost some of it’s sparkle. When they stopped saying thank you, it became less of a gift to my family and more of a chore.
I feel guilty saying it, but I got bored.

And I began to question my own competence and value. Seriously, not two months away from my 100mph pressure-cooker of a job, and I’m feeling like a some kind of a less-than human. Like my intelligence has somehow evaporated.

It has been a revelation to me. I now have vastly more respect for SAHMs and less jealousy than I did before. How they get up every single day and take care of everything and everybody without anyone ever buying them a lunch or sending them an email telling them that their presentation was rock star amazing… that is strength, make no mistake, serious strength and sacrifice.

When our kids were babes, my husband stayed home. Six and a half years he did the dishes and the laundry and the car seats, and I didn’t appreciate him enough. And I was resentful and jealous too often. At the time, my mom was fond of saying that, in her opinion, the right partner was staying home. I was SO angry at her for thinking it and more so for saying it out loud, but mom, you were right. And husband, THANK YOU.
Lessons from my time at home:

Nobody gets a perfect life.
Nobody’s job is easy.
There was stuff I was missing, and I do mourn that.
I can still have a great relationship with my kids, because there is so much more to being a good parent than just being there physically.
I hate doing dishes.
I like working out in the world.
I love being a mom.

It’s been a weird two months, but a beautiful gift in so very many ways.

Don’t regret your life, Mamma. There is no perfect life. Know what you value, protect that. Know what you can and cannot do. Don’t give your entire life to your work, but, if I can provide you with a little comfort, know that it wouldn’t be perfect if you were staying home either.

Forget usual, forget normal; I vastly prefer this-works-for-me to any clichéd vision of whatever we are ‘supposed’ to be doing.

I took yesterday off and made Christmas cookie dough with my mom. We mixed it and rolled it and froze it; four different kinds. You see, I can look ahead to the coming months and I know I won’t have time to make cookies, so I do this. They may not be as perfect as cookies freshly made on December 2nd, but I’m looking at December 2nd and there won’t be time. So, this-works-for-me.

I get up at four in the morning so I have time to read, write, pray and get a run in before my family wakes up. I can’t stay awake past ten at night. Wine is a rare luxury in my life. This-works-for-me.

When I’m out of town, I leave business dinners/parties/events to call home for an evening blessing with my kids. They give me the update on their days and we say our nightly Irish blessing together even if I’m three time zones away. If it’s an important meeting I’ll step out quietly and quickly, call my kids, and then come back in. I try to be quiet about it, but I’m sure there are people who think I’m some kind of weird religious nut or overly involved mother for doing this. Don’t care. My kids love it. I love it. This-works-for-me.

You know what you value, you know what fits and what won’t. You have my permission, right now, to jettison everyone else’s idea of what you are ‘supposed’ to be and do what works for your family.

If using paper plates will give you twenty minutes of no-dishes to read out loud with your kids, use the paper and no guilt. Grocery delivery service may feel like a luxury, but I’ve found I actually spend less (way less) when I order online instead of wandering the isles at the mercy of the food marketers; more importantly, I need that hour. I put my make-up on in the car, I missed every one of the ‘grown-up’ parties I was invited to this summer and I’ve been to book club once in three years. I have caught up on email, in the stands, during half-time, at an eighth grade basketball game.

I have discovered what I value: time with my kids, time with my husband, time to work-out. What do you value? How are you going to protect that?

There are only so many hours in they day, no matter how much we may wish there were more.

I was laying in bed this morning, not wanting to get up. I have another five day business trip coming up. And then three days away the week after that. I do love my job, but Lord, these times are tough.

So, this morning, knowing I have this time away, I was laying in bed, just being aware of my husband’s presence, just feeling his skin, his warmth, the bulk of him. Pressing myself close to him to try to soak up as much of us-together as I can. I am grateful for this man in my life. Grateful for this good man, this full partner, this dear friend.

Yesterday, he cleaned up dog throw-up. Twice. Before breakfast. That’s a man worth being married to, my love.

We are in a really good place right now. We laugh, we play, we trade-off making dinner. I do the bills, he does the laundry. I understand when his yes means yes, and when his yes means I-don’t-want-to-but-I-will-if-it-means-that-much-to-you.
If you’re not there right now, can I encourage you a little bit?

My good man and I had some tough times too. Reeeeally tough times. Marriage isn’t easy. Not even marriage between the two most compatible, wonderful folks in the world, which we are not. Spend your life with someone and you’re going to have good times and bad times. Horrible, sucky, I-don’t-understand-you-and-I-don’t-know-if-I-want-to-be-with-you-anymore bad times.
Thank God we stayed together. Really, thank God, because I cannot imagine my life without this man.

I had some remarkable friends who saw me through that awful time. I leaned on their strength when I had none of my own left. “What is your promise worth?” asked one in the quietest, most unjudgemental way possible. Another just told me that failure was not an option, that we were good people and we would get our marriage back. Another pointed me to Corinthians in the bible and asked me to look at myself, what was I giving? A male pastor I had turned to for guidance sent me a book to try to understand the male mind better (and it did help).

(And this: If he is abusing drugs or alcohol, beating you or your children, or cheating on you repeatedly, you leave, and get yourself a great lawyer and a big dog, got it? But if you are with a good man and the two of you are just not meshing right now, keep working at it, it’s worth it.)

This partnership my husband and I have today, this fun, silly, hard-working, sexy, respectful partnership that we have today – it was forged in the kiln of mutual sacrifice and continued effort. And it is a beautiful thing. Our kids see this. They feel safe and loved.

I am so grateful for it.

Nothing good comes easy. And a good marriage is the deepest, most profound, life-giving good.

I had two friends separate from their husbands this month. Heart breaking stuff. I know exactly the meat grinder this next year will be for them because I’ve lived it. And no, I’m not talking about Angie, although I mourn for her too.

Tend your marriage, darling. Tend that main relationship in your life. It’s just too easy to take it for granted till you’re so far down the road you don’t know if you can find your way back.

And, just to be clear, I am not in the never-divorce camp. I have advised other friends, because of spousal drug use, serial cheating, or abuse, to leave and get the best attorney they could find. And a therapist. And a big dog.

But, for the majority of us, we should stay. We should stay and make it work because we are married to men who are trying. Don’t take that for granted, sister. Not every man is willing to try.

And I know your man’s not perfect. No, I do, I know that. Because he’s breathing. There is no perfect. Sorry, Cindy, there is no prince.

But then, actually, on second thought, there are princes, aren’t there? The guy who goes to the grocery store at 6 AM for milk. Prince. The guy who cleans up the throw-up, or dog poop, or who scoops the disgusting, rotting leaves out of the gutter to keep your home nice. Prince, prince, prince. The guy who will sit and have tea with your four year old, or play basketball with your preteen after a long day at work. The guy who makes dinner or breakfast or school lunches. Royalty, I’m telling you. The guy who goes to a job he doesn’t love to get the money to pay for food and house and ever-larger pairs of shoes for all those little feet. Is any of this sounding familiar?

I know this is hard. I know that there are ways you’ve been disappointed. I’ve been divorced and remarried and I’m telling you, there is no perfect. Saying my vows the second time was so much harder because I knew what I was getting into this time.

I’m a better wife this time around. I ask for what I need instead of fuming that he doesn’t know. I know now that sadness and fear look a lot like anger in a man. I try to figure out what he needs instead of assuming he is being unreasonable. I do not indulge in that most destructive pastime of dwelling on his faults. When I find myself doing that (because I’m human too and it’s so horribly delicious to just tick off the ways he’s wrong and you’re right, isn’t it?) I stop, and force myself to acknowledge the ways that I’m wrong and imperfect too.

Marriage is work. And it’s worth it.

Date night. Go for a walk around the neighborhood. Sit on your front stoop with a beer or a glass of wine and talk about the day you met. Laugh about the funny things that happened when you were dating. Talk about the ways he’s a great father, or a great lover. Put a fire in the fire pit and lay your legs across his lap. Tell him what you respect about him. Every good thing he’s done, tell him, let him know that you notice. Talk about the awesome life you are building together.

Feed your marriage, darling.

Life is easier with two grown-ups. Life is easier when you have a partner who has your back. You picked this wonderful, imperfect guy for lots of good reasons, right? Remember those.