Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

When they were too little to be left on their own, that's exactly
what their father (Thomas Scharff) did, taking them deep into the woods
in the dead of night with the full knowledge of their mother (Kathrin Kühnel).
The brother and sister found a house made of candy where they were imprisoned
by a vile witch whom they managed to push into the burning oven meant for
them. Years later, the notorious duo have taken a job with Augsburg's
Mayor Engleman (Rainer Bock, "Inglourious Basterds," "Barbara") to solve
another crime of kidnapped children. They are "Hansel & Gretel:
Witch Hunters."

Laura:
Back when I was a kid, the local 2nd run movie theater used to show these
bizarre Europudding fairy tale movies dubbed into English. Even at
the age of six, I knew I was being fed 3rd rate product. Well imagine
if an anachronistic take on the Grimm fairy tale had been made into a graphic
novel and then fed back through that production pipeline, except with better
known actors and effects and that just about adds up to this movie.

Cowriter (with Dante Harper)/director Tommy Wirkola made his name in his
native Finland with a decent little Nazi zombie movie, "Dead Snow,"
that lacked in original storytelling but showcased a knack for winking gore
and fast pacing. With this outing, his strengths remain, but his weaknesses
are more evident. If all you're looking for is some mindless, fast-paced
entertainment, though, you could do a lot worse.

The real story here is for these two kids to find out just why their parents
abandoned them in the woods as small children - the 'present' story is just
some mumblety-jumblety about the blood moon and twelve kidnapped kids that
is never fully explained. The dialogue and some of the weaponry (Hansel
carries an assault arm canon while Gretel's crossbow fires arrows at an
automatic rate) are oddly anachronistic and attempts at fairy tale humor
are too few to warrant inclusion. Hansel and Gretel's entrance into
Augsburg - just in time to save Mina (Pihla Viitala) from being burned at
the stake by the Sheriff (Peter Stormare, "Fargo") - misses a ripe opportunity
for "Holy Grail" parody and the Sheriff is a bad guy dispatched too early.
The character of Ben (Thomas Mann, "Project X," "Fun Size"), a nineteenth
century autograph hound, is utterly superfluous, a bookmark for a sequel
which already appears doomed.

As the big, bad witch Muriel, Famke Janssen ("X-Men: The Last Stand") isn't
as fearsome as her fx and makeup-laden alter ego. Witches here are
said to be recognizable for the rot seen in skin, eyes and teeth and so they
are portrayed with cracked faces and rabid looking contacts. They sound like
a cross between Bushmen speaking click and Tuvan throat singers and move
like stop motion and are current versions of villains from those movies of
my childhood. Muriel's sidekicks, a Horned Witch (Ingrid Bolsø
Berdal, "Chernobyl Diaries") and a Red Haired Witch (Joanna Kulig, "Elles"),
have little personality, but a conjoined twin witch should have been given
more screen time. Then there is Edward (Derek Mears, voice of Robin
Atkin Downes, "Prometheus' computer), a fearsome troll-turned-teddy bear
who is the least convincing effect in the film. He's like a woebegon
Shrek with dead eyes.

But there is some rip-roaring action and 3D-accented gore. Two standouts
are a man caught in the spellbound branches of a tree to be pulled apart
and some wire rigged to slice and dice flying witches (and propel chunks
of them at the audience). As the titular characters, the Oscar-nominated
Jeremy Renner ("The Bourne Legacy") and (Gemma Arterton, "Clash of the Titans")
are decent action heroes with sibling balances (she's the mouthy brains,
he's the shy brawn). "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters" is a comic booky
ride, but not enough fun to build a franchise on.