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Thursday, April 24, 2014

Character Not Believed

I wrote last year and the year before, how I had really bad experiences with a couple of fellow competitors during big events. Well, it happened again the 2014 BCAPL Texas State 8-Ball Championships. :(

When bad situations occur, it makes me really start to wonder if I should play pool anymore. I'm tired of not being believed, or my character is being questioned. But I'm more upset that I hurt people, my friends.

I walked by one of the girls on that Friday, who I upset a few years ago, and she looked me dead in the eye, and didn't say one word to me and kept walking by me. Wow. :( I waited to see what she would do. I guess I should have said hi and smiled, but I could already tell by her body language she could care less if I existed.

This year, I was told because of a certain instance, that I was sharking someone. And, I was. :( I had no idea I was doing it. As soon as my friend indicated to me that cheering for my teammate bothered her her, I felt like shit right away. I sunk into my skin and felt horrible!

I was so into helping my teammate gain confidence, I didn't even realize I was cheering for my teammate while my opponent (my friend) was down on her shots. I felt SO badly the rest of the day and was ashamed I had hurt a friend. I apologized several times and she said rightfully and very stern, "Don't do it again," after we finished our match in the team event.

I stopped cheering for my teammates the rest of the tourney the next two days. I felt so horrible. :(

I apologized to her on Monday again, and wanted to wait til I got on a computer so I could type things out and not be limited to text messaging.

She felt I was deliberately sharking her and I have to say that that really hurt me. I have never ever deliberately sharked anyone. And we are friends, and I would never do that to her (or anyone, but especially a friend).

I presume my character will once again be talked about and it hurts me to the core that people think I would do things like this deliberately.

But I told her I was very thankful she put me in my place. I needed to be because I did not realize what I was doing. But to think I would do that deliberately really bothers me. Because I am not like that AT ALL.

I have hurt our friendship beyond repair and for that I feel horrible about because I wasn't paying attention.

She pointed out that because of my years as a board member and because I have been bothered by others before, I should have known what I was doing. I understand what she is saying but I also know I didn't realize I was cheering and being so disruptive when she was down on her shots. I wasn't even looking at my opponent, I was trying to help my struggling teammate by yelling "good shot!" when she would execute a good safety or tough shot. I don't think I would have been so engaged in my teammate if I wasn't the captain but I felt like it was my role to pump her up because she was struggling.

But these accusations keep happening and I keep hurting people and losing friends. I won the Texas State tourney, but I felt nothing like a champion. I just feel like quitting pool.