· You’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
· You’ve ever referred to someone as “my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend.”
· You’re a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
· You’ve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
· You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “Why don’t we just bomb the sons of bitches.”
· You’ve ever called a secretary or waitress “Honey.”
· You don’t think “The Simpsons” is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
· You don’t let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of “sexual deviance.”
· You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit…
· You scream “Dit-dit-ditto” while making love.
· You’ve argued that art has a “moral foundation set in Western values.”
· You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
· You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
· Vietnam made a lot of sense to you.
· You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
· You’ve ever said, “Clean air? Looks clean to me.”
· You’ve ever referred to Anita Hill as a “lying bitch” while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.
· You spent MLK Day reading “The Bell Curve.”
· You’ve ever called education a luxury.
· You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
· You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductible.
· You own a vehicle with an “Ollie North: American Hero” sticker.
· You’re afraid of the “liberal media.”
· You ever based an argument on the phrase, “Well, tradition dictates….”
· You’ve ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.
· You think all artists are gay.
· You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch “lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn’t want to contribute to society.”
· You’ve ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don’t even have shoes
· When people say “Marx,” you think “Groucho.”
· You’ve ever yelled, “Hey hippie, get a haircut.”
· You’ve ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.
· You came of age in the ’60s and don’t remember Bob Dylan.
· You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

Top Ten Things The Candidate Doesn’t Want To Hear On Election Day

10. ‘What? The election is today?’
09. ‘You need to sober up for your concession speech’
08. ‘You’re running for office? That’s hilarious!’
07. ‘There he is. Get him!’
06. ‘Your wife and your mistress are both here to see you’
05. ‘You’re losing the red states and the blue states, but you’re doing okay in the lesser-known yellow states’
04. ‘If pets are allowed to vote, I think we have a shot at this thing’
03. ‘The only endorsements we’ve got: Sylvio Berlusconi and Conrad Murray’
02. ‘Asteroid! Run for your lives!’
01. ‘Your ex-wife, Line 1′

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it

I had amnesia once—or twice

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horse’s sidesaddle.

What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

How can there be self-help “groups”?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.

Is it me –or do Buffalo wings taste like chicken?

More Employment Ads

And what they really mean.

1. Civil Service – The job was filled from the inside 6 months ago
2. Women/Minorities Encouraged – White males need not waste a stamp
3. Outstanding Benefits Package – Health Insurance
4. Tons of Variety – We took all the heinous tasks no one else would do and rolled them into one job
5. Top Notch Communication Skills – Telemarketing
6. Beautiful Offices in Attractive Locale – Brand new tacky windowless office where picture frames match the carpet
7. Secretary – Women only job with the responsibilities of management and the wages of a migrant worker
8. Executive Secretary – The most powerful person in any company
9. Dedicated – You’re looking at a minimum of 80 hours per week until we force you into early retirement
10. Salary Commensurate – We’ll pay you whatever the Hell we feel like
11. Salary Negotiable – We’ll take the lowest bidder
12. Competitive Salary – We’ll pay you up to 10% more than your last job… Period!
13. Competitive Starting Salary – Ten cents above minimum wage
14. Pleasant Atmosphere – A staff of pod people
15. Professional Atmosphere – Zombie pod people
16. Fun, Creative Atmosphere – Pod people from Hell
17. Dynamic Atmosphere – Zombie pod people from Hell
18. Gal Friday – Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it
19. Self Starter – Open to broad interpretation, since no one really knows what this means

Q & A For Lawyers

Q: What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50
A: Senator.

Q: How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
A: They both look good hanging from a tree.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
A: The bucket.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery

Q: Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

Sex At 78

Yesterday I picked an advertisement out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 78!

I’m so happy, because I live at number 74………so it’s not too far to walk home afterwards.
And, it’s the same side of the street so I don’t even have to cross the road!
Who said Life isn’t good in our Senior Years????

Unusual Statement Made By Candidates During The Interview Process.

I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
I feel uneasy indoors.
Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.
I get excited very easily.
Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.
I am fascinated by fire.
I like tall women.
Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex.
People are always watching me.
If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.
Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.
I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
I never get hungry.
I know who is responsible for most of my troubles
If the pay was right, I’d travel with the carnival.
I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.
My legs are really hairy.
I think I’m going to throw-up.

Three Charts to Email to Your Right-Wing Brother-In-Law

Federal spending dramatically increased under former president, George W. Bush and it has not increased much under President Obama.Problem: Your right-wing brother-in-law is plugged into the FOX-Limbaugh lie machine, and keeps sending you emails about “Obama spending” and “Obama deficits” and how the “Stimulus” just made things worse.Solution: Here are three “reality-based” charts to send to him. These charts show what actually happened.

Spending

Bush-Obama Spending Chart
Government spending increased dramatically under Bush. It has not increased much under Obama. Note that this chart does not reflect any spending cuts resulting from deficit-cutting deals.

Deficits

Bush-Obama Deficit Chart
Notes, this chart includes Clinton’s last budget year for comparison.
The numbers in these two charts come from Budget of the United States Government: Historical Tables Fiscal Year 2012. They are just the amounts that the government spent and borrowed, period, Anyone can go look then up. People who claim that Obama “tripled the deficit” are either misled or are trying to mislead.

The Stimulus and Jobs

Bush-Obama-Jobs-Chart
In this chart, the RED lines on the left side — the ones that keep doing DOWN — show what happened to jobs under the policies of Bush and the Republicans. We were losing lots and lots of jobs every month, and it was getting worse and worse. The BLUE lines — the ones that just go UP — show what happened to jobs when the stimulus was in effect. We stopped losing jobs and started gaining jobs, and it was getting better and better. The leveling off on the right side of the chart shows what happened as the stimulus started to wind down: job creation leveled off at too low a level.
It looks a lot like the stimulus reversed what was going on before the stimulus.
Conclusion: THE STIMULUS WORKED BUT WAS NOT ENOUGH!

More False Things
These are just three of the false things that everyone “knows.” Some others are (click through): Obama bailed out the banks, businesses will hire if they get tax cuts, health care reform cost $1 trillion, Social Security is a Ponzi Scheme or is “going broke”, government spending “takes money out of the economy.”

Why This Matters
These things really matter. We all want to fix the terrible problems the country has. But it is so important to know just what the problems are before you decide how to fix them. Otherwise the things you do to try to solve those problems might just make them worse. If you get tricked into thinking that Obama has made things worse and that we should go back to what we were doing before Obama — tax cuts for the rich, giving giant corporations and Wall Street everything they want — when those are the things that caused the problems in the first place, then we will be in real trouble.

Holly Shit! You Mean The American People Actually Picked Someone Good On Their Own?