It's so hard when you hear such words. I've heard them recently and am still recovering.

At some point to survive and not cause damage to yourself and others (as I'm doing) you must resort to higer values that transcend single human life: faith in God and belief that it all will makes sense and that you'll understand the sense one day is the daddy of all comforts. If you don't have that, try philosopy, art.

I'm dealing with a break-up and my (formally still, but in fact former) wife and decided to start a blog. Check it out if you like:

That article is very interesting, I may try to give it a go myself. My husband told me he didnt love me last week but we are still living in the same house (although he is trying to get me to move out, cant be him because of issues with the tennancy agreement we have). I know (or am 99% sure) that there is no one else involved as he very rarely goes out on his own (unless he has met someone on facebook etc...). I have been putting off getting the wheels in motion so far and trying to act like nothing has happened although i have moments when i have had arguements with him, tears etc, when i feel there is no hope in him changing his mind. I may just try to keep the 'happy' act up as long as i can. Will let you know how i get on

Read a comment in this thread that gave me the courage to ask this question as embarrassed as I may be. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

Here goes:

In the time of rest and wait what happens to the sex????

Red blooded all, if he doing what he wants, when he wants with those thoughts going through his mind, I wouldn't feel open to be passionate with him and in effect vulnerable. The thought of giving him the keys and right to ALL areas is a scary thought however the effects of withholding can cause more damage and give hm more reason to run.

Of course the need comes around when I would be extremely ready for it and not care about situations of the day, but expectantly not as often for me as it does him. Sex would happen for the need of both of us and just for him, but at the back of my mind would be deep torment at points before during and after making ease not so easy.

Sometimes I HATE having the mind of a though-filled female in these respects but I do and cant do anything about it, so want to know how to make it work for me.

This may be a bit of a rant but i just had to get it out quickly before i decided to not post it.

I am not sure what you are saying exactly Lavene. (probably too many lengths at the pool). If you are saying does one have to remain open if a husband sleeps with someone else, then the answer is of course not. If that happens it is adultery and grounds for divorce. One can forgive of course but obviously the bedroom would be seriously affected. If there is no repentance from the one having the affair then the marriage has become a non marriage and a wife's sexual duty would not apply, otherwise a wife would just be a doormat.

I'm talking about when his mind is made up and I'm having to be patient and give him the period of freedom the article talks about. During this period I feeling emotionally unsupported...a real turn off SOMETIMES.

I guess im asking....How do I relax my mind and stop it from racing over everything I hate about him, its torment?

Hi Lavene. Sorry I missed your answer. As this thread is always at the top I get in the habit of passing it.

Are you saying that your husband is saying he is not in love with you like in the article?

Personally I don't see your situation fits the article unless the above is true.

What seems to be happening here is that your husband seems to have an unhealthy desire to relate to the opposite sex. I don't think any wife would be happy with that. It seems that there may be a smokescrene of business going on but the underlying thing is still happening. We spoke that this could be coming from rejection perceived in his childhood but the twist with the female interest is another thing on top of it, but maybe coming out of it. Whether he has rejection or not doesn't justify wrong behaviour. A christian man should behave with some decorum and not even give the appearance of evil, let alone doing evil.

A thought that comes to me is that he may have always wanted to be successful with women but never was and now sees the chance to achieve that, possibly as an answer to the rejection he feels. In reality once we are married to the one we love all that behaviour is irrelevant and could easily be read as unfaithfulness.

I don't see how you can ignore that behaviour. If a spouse says they don't feel they love you that is something else but any christian would agree that his behaviour is highly questionable. If it is all above board he should be able to see them with you, so that you know what is going on. Why can't he bring them home so that you can both advise them? Our pastor would never counsel a girl on his own but would bring his wife or another female. Somehow he is not taking you into his trust on the matter. How can you be expected to ignore that?

I don't think the above article really fits your situation Lavene. If he doesn't respond keep praying of course, but I think he is stepping over boundaries personally and has problems, but one cannot force a solution as he has freewill. The fact cannot be ignored that we are all sexual beings and need to live in such a way so that we are not exposed to things where our marriage could be compromised. It seems that he is putting his marriage second in certain situations when it should come first.

Wow! I read some comments that suggested this post should be taken down so it's not always at the top but I think that would be a bad idea. This was life-changing. I think I'm personally too far down the separation road for it to work for me but the way she separated his problems from what he was trying to put on her and her marriage? Those words have changed everything for me. I just wish I could find a way to tell her so!

That article is very interesting, I may try to give it a go myself. My husband told me he didnt love me last week but we are still living in the same house (although he is trying to get me to move out, cant be him because of issues with the tennancy agreement we have). I know (or am 99% sure) that there is no one else involved as he very rarely goes out on his own (unless he has met someone on facebook etc...). I have been putting off getting the wheels in motion so far and trying to act like nothing has happened although i have moments when i have had arguements with him, tears etc, when i feel there is no hope in him changing his mind. I may just try to keep the 'happy' act up as long as i can. Will let you know how i get on

I really do feel for you here, i am in exactly the same position, very similar, i know it hurts but as you sayit is very hard when staying together in this position, do you go to him looking for reassurance.