This is supposed to be a positive blog~ a place of inspiration and joy~ but some days it’s really hard to find a smile, let alone share one.

Yesterday was one of those days.

It’s really hot where I live right now, and we lost 2 of our adorable baby chicks in the heat. I had left them outside in the shade, but the shade moved before I knew it and they overheat quickly, so I blamed myself for being busy and distracted and not catching it earlier.

We tried saving one for over an hour, calling 3 vets, and hearing the same thing I knew in my heart, that it might be too late. It was.

It didn’t matter how sorry I was or how bad I felt. It was too little, too late and it could never be fixed. I held the little thing as it took it’s last breath, and then had to pretend everything was OK so I could drive one of my kids to a dress rehearsal.

That’s when it hit me.

All of the grief of the last year felt like an empty ache in my chest. The dying little chick added to the list of things in life that could never be fixed: a Grandmother’s undiagnosed broken bone that could never heal, a marriage neglected until it was too far gone to save.

So, after I dropped off my child, and attempted a yoga class but left after 20 minutes because I just wanted to lie in childs pose, I went to my car, feeling spent and planning to head back to pick up my kid.

Before I could even back the car up, I realized that at any time, I could drop all of the balls I was juggling~ trying to manage 3 jobs and my family on no sleep, and trying to hold my children’s lives together while trying to figure out my own future~ and that even if I dropped them, more would keep coming and pummeling me.

The dam broke and I cried.

I never cry.Well, very rarely, and it’s usually only if a baby has died. But I sat there and cried and started writing in a bent up old notebook.

I thought about my beloved Grandmother and how I couldn’t fix the fact that she had to suffer a drawn out and painful death. I thought about my children and their father leaving and the marriage that spanned my entire adult life being over, and that I wasn’t going to able to fix that either.

And so I was late again, this time to pick up my child and I was wearing sunglasses because I didn't want her to see my red swollen eyes.

On the way home, I told her the chick had died, and she processed it in silence, but I could feel her thinking about the reality of it. When we arrived, I found the other chick who had been doing badly earlier had also died.

There was no avoiding my children seeing my crying this time. As we buried the chicks in a garden side grave with flower seeds and colorful crystals, I cried out of guilt about the chicks, and sadness and overwhelm about everything else. I cried harder than I did at my Grandmother's funeral where I had to be the officiant and hold it together and help my mother.

I cried because no matter what happens, even when someone dies, the world just keeps on going.

When we came in, they made me tea, like good children, and we talked.

That's where the positive part finally came.

We talked about how life can be hard sometimes, and that sometimes you just can’t fix things. We talked about needing to feel sad, and to cry and how you need to be alone sometimes or to be with people who love you other times, and how to know the difference. We talked about mistakes and how everyone makes them, but that some accidents will have repercussions we live with forever.

I debated about whether or not to post this because it felt all downer like and not so zesty. But in the end, I decided to go for it anyway. Not just because I didn’t have a happy post handy, but because it’s real. The sad days, the funerals and the mistakes are just as real as the tea and the conversations.

And I posted it because when you're in the midst of the sad days and all you see is smiling perky people on the internet, you might just want to punch someone in the head.

In the end, it's the ability to have those conversations and those people who love us enough to make tea~ those are the the things that get us through the sucky times until we’re feeling zesty again. They are what makes life wonderful, even if certain times aren't, and I feel a bit lighter just thinking about them.

Hopefully, you are all having better days than I was yesterday, but even if you aren't, I hope you can see the things that make life sparkle anyway.

What do you do when you're not feeling so zesty? Any tips on dealing with sad times while trying to keep a happy home?

Thank you for your honesty and your willingness to take some of the awful stuff that life throws your way and look at it closely and carefully. Sometimes life is crappy and sometimes all we can do is put one foot in front of the other. And then there's tomorrow. Keeping you in my thoughts, and sending love and hugs.

Thanks Erin, and thank goodness for tomorrows, huh? Sometimes getting the one foot to move in front of the other is an effort, but it's really the only way to better days.

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Dianna Mikulecky

6/7/2013 09:04:38 am

I've heard it said some people are beautiful when they are angry. Never in my life have I seen that to be the case. But, you, my powerful, thoughtful friend, are so beautiful in your honesty. ...and if I haven't mentioned it lately, I believe in God. And, I believe he will help us when we feel weak and overwhelmed. I'm always where you left me, with an open door!

Thank you for sharing, Pamela. I can resonate with the guilt regarding the chicks. I came home the other week to find our two frogs shrivelled up and dead...they'd been left in their aquarium and the sun had shone all day on them. I cried all afternoon as grief and guilt surfaced around many other things as well. Sending you lots of love and peace. PS. My blog is also mostly 'happy, happy, joy, joy'....until it's not. That's just the way it is xxx

Sorry about your froggies! When one thing opens the door to grief, sometimes it lets out a whole mess of things that had been bottled up, and pretty soon we're bawling about something else entirely. I'm still feeling bad about the chicks. I'm also much more careful with the ones I have remaining.

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Cheryl Kuni

6/7/2013 01:36:16 pm

Oh, mama....some days are just non-zesty. And then there are entire seasons of non-zesty too! One thing I've learned in the last 20 months is that it is OK to grieve. Wail in despair. Howl in pain. I've done all of them. I've lain crumpled on the floor in a broken heap of heartache so deep I thought I might never get up. In living the reality of Down syndrome with our beautiful baby girl there is the constant tension of grief & joy. What I've come to understand is that these two things will always go together, and although my pain is deep it just makes the joy so much greater. Focusing on the positive is good, but sometimes being real is even better! Hugs to you on you....

Raw, honest posts like these are just as beautiful as the happy ones. There's no way we can all be positive, happy, zesty people all the time, and I applaud anyone who shares the darker times along with the light-filled ones. There's always something to learn.

Thanks for sharing. I hope writing this brought you some comfort, releasing it had to help. Mostly, talking with the your children and allowing them to see you cry. I believe that is important teaching, hard to do, but very important to let our children see us sad. Letting them take care of you for a moment with the tea, very good teaching. It will bring a bond to the relationship and let them know it's ok to be sad, life does move on, helping someone else brings strength and healing for everyone. Good job Mom.

Thanks Vi. Sometimes admitting the sucky things is hard, but there is much to be learned there, and being together through the good & bad definitely makes a relationship closer. All happy all the time wouldn't be real, and it wouldn't really prep the kids for life I suppose. Going through the process together probably speeds the healing as well, or at least makes it more bearable.

Ah, bless you! I am sending you a big virtual hug! As others have said, I don't think it's possible to be constantly Zesty. Sometimes it's about what you need to do to get back to zesty! My tip is to feel how you feel. No point sticking a happy face sticker on an empty fuel tank. If you allow yourself to feel how you feel, you can cry and be sad and then start to feel better, without the suppressed feeling hardening in your heart. <3 x

Thanks Donna~ I'm really focusing on what I need to do to get back to zesty because a run down empty vehicle is not a pleasant alternative. Hooray for chocolate, swimming pools on warm nights and entertaining kids & animals! :-)

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Susan Spencer

6/18/2013 02:20:08 pm

My wonderful and blessed friend, I feel for you. Most times you are so cheerful. Yes there are the down days. For me I sing praises to the Lord, that is what helps me to see life in a different way when all I feel like is crying. It is the hope of things to come that keeps me going. You are LOVED! You are special and remember this life is not "all there is" sending you love. Susan