Saturday, February 03, 2007

A meeting of minds

'These Korean meatballs really are the dog's bollocks.'

Walking home from a public house the other night, having refreshed myself with a single pint of finest ale, I was accosted by a stumbling, malodorous denizen of the shadows. ‘Yer a good fuckin’ mate, pal,’ he asserted. ‘Can ya spare us a fuckin’ tenner f’ra cab?’ (For the benefit of my American readers: he was requesting funds to the value of ten pounds sterling to purchase the services of a local taxi driver. Despite the adjective, no sexual intercourse was being proposed.)

‘You’ll just spend it on more drink,’ I suggested; at which his bonhomie disappeared, to be replaced with a microcosmic representation of the ugly face of modern Britain. (No, I don’t mean this.)

‘F’fuck’s sake, just give us the tenner.’

I remained immovable; a point of principle was at stake, plus I had no money on me. Instead of knifing me he began to stagger away, muttering, ‘Yer a stupid bastard.’

Quick as a flash, I retorted with an adaptation of my favourite Churchillism: ‘And you’re drunk, but at least you’ll be sober in the morning.’

It hung between us for a beat; then he said, ‘I rest my case,’ laughed raucously and weaved away into the night.

Philip: this is a family site and I'll thank you not to post links to your dirty pictures here.

By the way, in response to your snide comment about my grammar and/or typing in the comments to my last post but one (when I said for Christ's sakes: did you not know that Jesus was a purveyor of more than one type of Japanese rice wine?

Aah. I feel so much better after that, and rather self-congratulatory to boot.

Mr Knudsen: he wasn't so much a panhandler as a good friend of mine. Was that not clear from what I wrote?

Clooney also said 'you've got about ten fucking seconds to live,' but that was in From Dusk Till Dawn.

I was once duped by a dirty tramp in (surprise, surprise) Liverpool. He asked me for 50p for a cup of tea, which I gave him. Then he demanded that I buy him the tea in addition to giving him the 50p. How he must have regretted his poor choice of a "mark" as I elbowed him in the face and kicked him in the balls. I let him keep the 50p though as he probably needed a brew after all that.