MTV VMA’s 2009: A Running Diary

September 13, 2009

So as usual, here is my play-by-play of yet another exciting (we hope) award show. Alot of these shows have been the suck as of recently, but MTV sometimes gets the job done. Sometimes. Let’s see how this pans out.

9:00PM Madonna on stage. Whoa, lovely surprise. Never knew she had 8 siblings too. This speech is powerful, discussing Michael Jackson’s life from a personal perspective. Madonna is getting teary eyed. “Long live the King,” she says.

9:07PM MJ Tribute begins with “Thriller”. The person in the MJ jacket looks like Vin Diesel and the other looks like Dean Cain. That’s odd. Now it’s “Bad”. Who are these people? I thought Janet was supposed to be part of this. Where are you Janet? “Smooth Criminal” next. Good dancing, but who are these people?

9:10PM “Scream” is on now. Awwww, the Janet and Michael duet. This must be so hard for Janet. Wow they have the screen synched to look ike she’s dancing beside her brother. The closeup on Janet, wow she looks…mad.

9:13PM Katy Perry + Joe Perry = Queen’s “We Will Rock You”? And why does Joe Perry have a hairdo like Stacy London from TLC’s “What Not to Wear”?

9:15PM Oh that’s right. Russell Brand is hosting. I forget he was still a thing. I feel sorry for the MTV employee who lost his job so they could afford this guy. Boo.

9:20PM Russell Brand is saying it’s okay for GaGa and her neck brace to be an aggressive woman and not a hermaphrodite. Now he’s being all political. Mmmmkay. Why is Wale on stage acting like Black Thought on Jimmy Fallon?

9:22PM It’s Shakira and Taylor Lautner. Who is Taylor Lautner btw? I had to Google his name. Best Female Video goes to Taylor Swift. Great, another person to Google.

9:25PM LOL YES! Kanye jumped on stage to argue for Beyonce’s video. I would’ve done that too. Not really. That Tracy Morgan and Eminem skit was awkward.

9:38PM Who are these children? Is that Zac Efron? So Taylor Swift was dissed by Kanye on stage and then they send her to the subway to perform? Poor thing.

9:47PM So the commercial break ends in the middle of my favorite 3OH!3 song. Oh good it’s the d-bag convention. Pete Wentz and the Cobra Starship guy. You brosephs are soooo funny. What a weird way to begin this GaGa performance.

9:50PM Lady GaGa is giving a cool performance of “Paparazzi”, but Madonna is probably laughing at this powdered wig party turned shitshow. So now GaGa is bleeding? After playing the piano. Is this supposed to like reflect what happens when paparazzi chases a celebrity? I guess.

10:05PM Some guy and Angelina Jolie-lite are about to announce Green Day. Why is this show more than halfway in and I feel like I haven’t seen anything?

10:10PM Green Day went into the crowd and then brought the crowd on stage. Shit. Show.

10:15PM Pitbull on stage during the commercial breaks too? This side show is looking like some awkward open mic night. There goes that Lautner guy again. This time he’s with that Chuck Bass lookalike Robert Pattinson.

10:20PM Chace Crawford + Ne-Yo? HAYYYYYYYYYYY. Amazing that they get to announce a diva. Beyonce. Here she comes with “Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)”. This will be awesome, so in the meantime, here are some Twits you missed about the VMAs:

@jayhovawitness During commercial break, Pink walked by Kanye West & shook her head in disgust b4 security escorted her away.

@djneilarmstrong: just so y’all know, homegirl taylor and her moms was in the back crying 😦

10:30AM Meadow Soprano walks out with Diddy. Bawse. Her dress looks so nice! Wow Diddy says “Kanye” and the crowd boos and shouts “Taylor! Taylor!” Oh boy. Best Male Video goes to T.I. Thank goodness. If it was Kanye there would’ve been a problem.

10:35PM Alexa Chung, who is this? She’s funny. Gerard Butler is hot. I have no idea who Muse is, but they are performing now.

10:40PM These Tracy Morgan and Eminem skits still make me uncomfortable. Even with Cyndi Lauper added.

10:48PM Yeah J-Lo! Admitting once again she’s from the Bronx. That’s how she does in NY-based award shows. Eminem wins and Asher Roth is excited for him. Wow Eminem is yummy with black hair. He shouted out Proof. RIP.

10:50PM Kid CuDi performing in DJ AM’s memory. This is not a very good performance though. Hmmm.

10:57PM Tracy Morgan and Eminem get on stage to announce Best New Artist. Lady GaGa wins and she is dressed like red crayon. “This is for God and for the gays.”

11:00PM So Pink is performing 30 ft in the air. Why, again? These acrobats while singing shouldn’t be a thing at all. Too dangerous. Go Pink, though.

11:10PM Jay-Z and Alicia Keys are on next. They better not let me down!

11:11PM Not quite, apparently the Video of the Year is being announced but we have to wait for Jay-Z to get there? This is odd. Andy Samberg and Jimmy Fallon are on stage. Adam Sandler is somewhere crying.

11:13PM Beyonce wins for Video of the Year! She lets Taylor Swift come out and have her moment. What a goddess.

11:21PM Jay-Z is taking forever to get here. He better put on a good show tonight with Leeshy.

11:22PM President Hov has arrived.

11:26PM This really is a nice performance. Hovi has a cold, he sounds like Billy Danz from MOP. Why did Lil Mama get on stage? Lil Mama forgot she wasn’t judging ABDC and hopped on stage to rate the performance. Go home, lip gloss.