The story so far...

IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME!

I had a very interesting experience the other day. I was called a social climber. I was called this by someone formally in my life, who I drifted away from, in amongst a tirade of abuse which focused on how selfish I was for not helping them with their problems.

Wow.

I’m going to admit I wasn’t expecting this group of messages. They came out of the blue with seemingly no trigger. And the content, well it was very, how do I put this, one sided. I never replied – because what’s the point? This person has created this picture of me in their mind, and I’m a monster. To them that’s real, and regardless of how I feel, that’s valid and ok.

Let’s clear some things up.

Have I drifted away form people I used to be very close to?

Yes.

And I’ve said that, several times, in past posts. I’ve also taken full accountability for it. Yes, it was me. If blame needs to be placed, I’m happy for it to rest completely on my shoulders. But I’m going to be honest, I don’t think a human evolving and figuring themselves out should be a point of angst.

I also don’t think relationships need to end in a rain of fireworks and words spoken in the heat of the moment. People grow, they change. They do this at different speeds and different points in life.

I’ve had a few of these “growth spirts” and after each I seem to leave a wake of relationships that just don’t work like they used to, because I’m different. I don’t hate these people. I don’t even ‘not like’ these people… I simply don’t have important things in common anymore.

My values , my values are very important to me. I’m not on my soap box saying everyone should have my set of values or that I’m right. How would I actually know if I’m right? Values, personal truths if you will, aren’t a matter of “right” versus “wrong”. But they are the foundations on which I build my daily actions. So they are very important to my core. And like me, they morph as I learn more about the world and where I fit in it.

Would I like to rekindle some of the old relationships. See this is really tough.

Yes and no.

I look back so fondly on some of the times I had with people from my past. But I also know that I can never have these times again – because time has marched on. I’ve changed. Rather than trying to rekindle a relationship that was perfect the first time around and potentially tarnish the memories – I’d rather keep them in a little box and remember with a smile on my face from time to time.

Have I been selfish?

Yes.

To be blunt – being diagnosed was an experience. I used to be involved in other peoples drama – trying to mend situations that had nothing to do with me and that I couldn’t hope to improve in the slightest. Their drama – therefore became my drama. My life was full of drama. I hate drama. 8 years ago – my life changed pretty drastically, and I lusted for support from the friends and family I had once gone into bat for.

Many ran. Some changed the subject. None understood.

I got so angry that I’d spent years being there for all these people and when I needed help they were nowhere to be seen. Here’s the thing though – I never gave my time with the expectation of needing to use someones down the track. I genuinely cared about all the people I gave my time to – and I’m glad I gave it. This is one of those realisations that I’ve had over the past few years. And it’s let me gaze back at some of those instances and smile rather than being filled with hatred.

When you give, anything, you should be doing it because you want to, not because you expect something in return. When the chips are down – and I’ve had mine down a few times, I would rather people in my corner who passionately want to be there rather than a few chocking up favours that I can then repay down the track.

So, you do you.

Today, I seldom speak to my challenges publicly. Firstly because I’ve learned that a problem shared is not a problem halved – it’s still the same problem just more people know about it. Secondly because – I got this. Thirdly because we all have our own stuff. Me putting my stuff out there into the world only drags up comparisons that shouldn’t (and can’t really) be made. When I did share my story, back in the day, all I received was a momentary outpouring of sympathy coupled with a competition on who wore illness or ailments better.

Completely fucking pointless. It achieved nothing other than me feeling guilty that I shared while other people are going with their own shit. And to be frank I don’t need guilt on top of anxiety on top of illness. My cup literally runneth over for all the wrong reasons.

Just because I stopped – should everyone change their behaviour. No, not what I’m saying. I needed to change to figure out how I was going to live with this disease rather than just survive. And my mindset has been an integral part of my puzzle. MY mindset, MY puzzle.

So, you do you.

If you’re going to sit there and let things like people not liking your posts on social media eat you up. I’m going to assume that’s you doing you. Cause quite frankly I don’t give a fuck. You know that list of values that form my foundation? Most likes on Facebook doesn’t make the list.

So sure, be angry if that’s what you need to do. You do you. But understand we’ve lived through different things – and we’re different people. I’m not going to get on board with everything that’s important to you – and I don’t expect others to do the same.

My life, my values, my business. MY FAULTS. If you need to place blame, if you need to hate, if you need to spread toxin to move your story forward – then that’s your business and you should go about doing you.

Let’s discuss me as a social climber. A social climber is someone who forms relationships based on the ability of that relationship to move a certain narrative forward – then usually dumps people when they’ve served their purpose within that narrative. Have I let people go? We’ve discussed this, yes. Was it because they were no longer any use to me? Absolutely not – in fact I have thought over the last few months {insert name here} would have the best perspective on this situation… but I’ve moved on and I’m not going to reach out just to use them. As I’ve said before (1,000 times before at this point), I felt that many relationships just came to a natural conclusion as I changed. And sure, if blame needs to be assigned – put it right here.

Do I see a relationship ending as an event where blame needs to be thrown around? No. Even to the point where I can look back at moments with my ex-husband and think “wow – what a great thing we had, but it ran it’s course”. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t hate him for a long time – but in the grand scheme of things that relationship taught me a lot. That hate is gone. And that period of my life was just another paving stone on my path.

Writing a blog like this can be taken as someone wagging their finger, in-sighting change in people around them. That’s not at all my intention. This is an event that happened to me. This is my perspective on what happened.

Is my way the right way? Who knows? Is there a wrong way? As long as your living you best life (man, I hate that saying) I don’t think so.

You stand up for what you believe. You say what you need to say. You do what you need to do. But realise, I’m over here, hustling, doing the same.

I’m going to keep doing me – and no, there is nothing ‘wrong’ with the way I do me, even if it’s different to your story.