#LoveLoveLove

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

If this seems a little
familiar to you, it’s because you’ve seen it before! OR at least a version of
it. The day before my first heartiversary, I did this exercise so I’d always
have some documentation of what life was like at that milestone.Lately, I can’t help but
blast my radio, open the sun roof/roll down the windows and sing
inappropriately loud when Taylor Swift’s “22” plays. People stare.Cameron, strapped snugly in his carseat,
roars like a lion and squeals with laughter.Then it ends. And 22 was soooo long ago. AndSOOOO messy! Recently, this parody of being “32” made me laugh
hysterically. It’s somewhat depressing and totally melodramatic and doesn’t
entirely ring true for me – but hysterical nonetheless. Happily, I’m only turning
31 this year, so I have another year before I can succumb to the full doom of
being “well in to” my 30s :)

Two years ago, when I
turned 29, I was scared that I wouldn’t see 30 or 31 or any birthday after. I
can’t really describe the relief felt at every “milestone” I hit on this
journey – but maybe this will help: A few days ago, I was holding Cameron and
he kept trying to yank my shirt down.Trying not to giggle & call him a perv, I scolded him and explained
what “private parts” are. He placed his hand on my collarbone and said “But
mama – I want to feel your heart beat.”

Gulp. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.

So I took his little
chubby hand and placed it under my collarbone. “Mama! I can feel your heart
beating. Your medicine is working.” I connected these dots that he watches me
take my meds every morning and when he asks if he can have some I say “No Cam –
mommy takes medicine so her heart doesn’t get sick. But you are a healthy boy
so you don’t need medicine.” I say that to him everyday and it never occurred
to me that one day, he’d want to investigate mommy’s heart to see if all was
truly well.

I get to turn 31. And he
gets to feel my heart keep beating.

Rachel in a Nutshell

I love making time to read when I’m not traveling (currently, the hardcover
version of Cooked by Michael Pollan)I love the look on Cameron’s face when Brian gets home from a
work trip.I love cooking – for myself, my family and friends.I feel satisfied for about 5 minutes and then take on another challenge.I feel satisfied that Cam has enough people who love him in his life.I feel satisfied when I’ve made it successfully across the weekly tightrope
of working motherhood.I get worried about our impending journey of fostering.I get worried about maintaining friendships as family life gets busier.I get worried because I come from a long line of worriers!When I was little, I loved to go fishing.When I was little, I enjoyed TV shows such as Dynasty and Tales from the
Darkside.When I was little, I wore my swimsuit & church shoes, pretending to be a
ballerina.I collect wine corks.I collect pressed pennies.I collect red dress pins.I can picture myself at age 10, aspiring to be an Olympic
gymnast at my very first gymnastics class.I can picture myself at age 24, ending an engagement/relationship
and wondering “what now?” Little did I know what was around the corner!I can picture myself at age 80, telling stories to my
grandchildren (and great-grands?) about the "old" daysI will never forget arguing with a woman at the DMV because upon seeing
how “healthy” I looked, bypassed the screen when I could indicate my heart
disease on my driver’s license.I will never forget singing Like a Prayer with my Nerinx besties at my
wedding reception.I will never forget the time Cameron somehow busted his lip from
walking into the couch and I fully embraced my role as a boy-mom.It frustrates me when people tell me “it’s about time for another baby”
wink-wink, nudge, nudge. “You and Brian better get busy”. It frustrates me when my plans for a healthy diet go awry.It frustrates me when people make ignorant remarks about my multi-ethnic
family.I feel helpless that I can’t protect Cam from the world (well, obvi)I feel helpless when problems feel bigger than solutions.I feel helpless that science can only move so fast.I wish it didn't take a traumatic experience for people to
prioritize their life.I wish somebody would give me a baby sister for Cameron.I wish I had more time to just make-out with my husband. I am proud of my role as a Go Red spokesperson.I am proud of my brothers, who are slllooooowwwlllly but surely
becoming adults.I am proud to have learned from my mistakes.I hope for happy endings.I hope that my voice will make a difference for someone.I hope to raise strong, caring kids.I crave a heart healthy serving of wine (5 oz) every day JI crave and cave in to fried chicken once a year. And then my
stomach hurts for daysI crave naps, snuggles, spooning and cuddles.I admire my heart warrior sisters.I admire my husband’s dedication to our son.I admire Sheryl Sandberg, though at times, I disagree with her.I have been told I’m stronger than I realize.I have been told that I look more and more like my mom every year.I have been told that heart disease shouldn't define me; but in a way, I’m
okay that it does.I enjoy dusky summer evenings on our 2nd floor balcony.I enjoy watching reruns of Star Trek: The Next Generation.I enjoy following the Twitter feeds of @HonestToddler &
@FeministTSwiftI think an ingenious invention is the cookbook holder.I think an ingenious invention is the bodum coffee press.I think an ingenious invention is drug eluting stent (google it –
I have 2!)I find an outlet to life in blogging!I find an outlet to life playing like a toddler with my
toddler.I find an outlet to life by taking time for massages!I am outraged by gun violence.I am outraged by society’s slow paced changed.I am outraged by how complicated it is to provide a child in need with a
good home.I would not be who I am if I wasn’t a fighter.I would not be who I am without great friend to lean on.I would not be who I am if I didn’t overshare.I have debated life as a full-time parent.I have debated going to culinary school.I have debated finding a surrogate for BGS.I do not really remember my “old” normal.I do not like anything with olives.I do not do well without technology.I look forward to meeting my next child.I look forward to learning why SCAD happens.I look forward because I have hope and faith in what great things are to
come."Life
is not a spectator sport; win, lose or draw, the game is in progress
whether we want it to be or not. So go ahead, argue with the refs,
change the rules, cheat a little, take a break and tend to your wounds.
But play hard, play fast, play loose and free; play as if theres no
tomorrow. Ok so, It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the
game, right?" - Grey's Anatomy

About Me

In April 2011, my husband and I welcomed our first child into the world and I knew our lives would never be the same. Eight days later, without any family history or warning signs, I survived a heart attack. Now, I'm getting adjusted to a "new normal".