Today is the first day of Advent, and I’m getting giddy just thinking about Christmas. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday and I’m excited to see it through the eyes of my toddler this year. I love preparing for Christmas well in advance so I can enjoy the days leading up to Jesus’ birthday with peace and expectation, instead of last minute shopping. I have done the holiday scramble enough times to know it’s not my preferred way to spend the holidays, when at all possible.

Today I thought I would share our Christmas traditions with you. I have put a lot of thought into how we celebrate Christmas as a family in an effort to keep the focus on Jesus and why we are celebrating the season. I also want to cherish the time we have as a family this time of year. These traditions are a blend of my childhood traditions and some we started on Dominic’s first Christmas:

NEW ANNUAL ORNAMENT

Growing up my grandma gave each grandchild a new Christmas ornament every year. Each ornament from my grandparents is a reflection of their love and brings back so many memories as I hang them on my tree. My grandma also loved to find unusual ornaments, which makes the collection she picked out fun and random. I love Christmas trees that are filled with an assortment of ornaments collected over time and not all matching and color coordinated. I plan to continue this ornament tradition with our children. I most likely will pick out a random ornament because that’s the tradition I grew up with, but you could also assign a particular character (ie. Snowmen, Santa) or a color to each child. And if the thought of picking out an ornament for each child overwhelms you, you could also pick out a new family ornament each year. One fun idea for a family ornament is to pick out something that will remind you of something significant that happened that year, for example a dog ornament if you got a dog or a Hawaiian ornament to remind you of a family vacation. The ornament possibilities are endless!

MOVING “THE BOYS”

We have a Fontanini nativity set which I love because it’s plastic so it’s safe for children, but the pieces look so realistic. It was a special first Christmas gift from my parents when we were newlyweds, as this is the brand of nativity set I grew up with. The Fontanini sets are a bit pricey, but they are investment piece and a nativity set your family is sure to love for a lifetime. The set we have is similar to this one. When my mom was growing up the wise men (or “the boys” as my Grandpa fondly called them) were a special part of their Christmas tradition. The week before Christmas the boys would slowly start moving closer and closer to Jesus (thanks to my Grandpa moving them at night) and when everyone woke up on Christmas morning they always arrived at the manger.

THE STAR FROM AFAR

This year I purchased The Star from Afar set, which is a fun game for little ones that points to Jesus. Each day of advent you move the star somewhere in your house and encourage your child to find the star, which will of course eventually lead them to Jesus on Christmas day. There is also a nativity set, book, and Scripture cards to go along with the game. We bought the entire set and have been very impressed with the quality. I also love that a mom started this company and that it’s supporting a small business.

ADVENT CALENDAR

Dominic has this sweet advent calendar which was a gift from a dear friend and is a fun hands on advent calendar for little ones. I love that it is a visual reminder of how close we are getting to Christmas.

FOUR GIFTS

For Christmas presents, we have decided that each year our children will receive four gifts from mom and dad: something they want, something they need, something to wear, and something to read. Our hope is that there aren’t big expectations or let downs surrounding gifts since they will receive the same number of gifts each year. It also forces us to be very thoughtful and intentional about each gift we purchase.

ADOPTING A FAMILY

Growing up we would always adopt a family or a child to sponsor for Christmas and this is a tradition we would like to continue with our children. The church we currently attend puts together gift boxes for incarcerated youth and then delivers them to the prison on Christmas. No matter how you choose to give back during the holidays, it’s fun to get your children involved in the shopping and giving process. Older children could also contribute some of their own money towards the gift being given. Growing up I found that this was a very humbling and educational process in understanding how blessed we were to have presents under our tree and what a joy it was to help others experience joy during the holiday season.

STOCKINGS

Stockings are another one of my favorite traditions from childhood. Each year our stockings were filled with inexpensive items such as gum, socks, hair ties, lipgloss, toys, and candy. On Christmas morning, my sister and I were allowed to look through our stockings before waking our parents up and we had so much fun looking through them together. My parents always had similar items in each of our stockings, but often a different color or style.

BIRTHDAY CAKE FOR JESUS

While our children are young, I plan to make a birthday cake for Jesus with their help baking and decorating. Then on Christmas we will sing happy birthday to Jesus and eat the cake. I am hoping this will be a fun and hands on way for them to understand and connect that we celebrate Christmas because it is the day Jesus was born.

I hope this list of Christmas traditions was helpful and may even give you some ideas to try with your own family! Also, as we begin the holiday season, please remember that the holidays are a time to remember that you can’t do it all, that done over perfect is where it’s at, and that focusing on one or two special traditions is better than stressing out about getting it all done. Please don’t get overwhelmed trying to make the holidays so fun for your family that it leaves you burnt out. The best gift you can give your children is a mama that is present and joyful. I pray you can release yourself from the pressure of being Martha Stewart (preaching to myself here) and make some sweet family memories this Christmas season.

Do you have any special Christmas traditions? I would love to hear them in a comment below!

When I found out I was expecting again all I could think about was that this baby was God’s grace, a totally unexpected, undeserved gift. We hadn’t been actively trying to get pregnant, no charting, no temperature taking, not even looking at the calendar. If I’m being honest our family had been going through a difficult couple of months and our focus had not been on having another baby. I had been wrestling with God about what we were going through and my desire to have another child and felt in my spirit that God was saying “Trust me.” And so I actively worked to surrender my desire for more children and put my trust in God’s plan for our family.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lead on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5

I had also had been facing the reality that Dominic might be an only child. It had been such a long road to hold a child in my arms and I knew what a gift motherhood was. It wasn’t guaranteed that we would have more children. I struggled with the thought of Dominic being an only child. Isn’t it ideal for children to have siblings? Will he grow up spoiled?I know these fears aren’t true and I know some amazing people that are only children.These fears started to take over and I had to push them out of my mind. I had slowly (through lots of prayer!) come to a place of peace in realizing that if Dominic was to be an only child then that was God’s plan for our family and I could be satisfied and thankful for the child we had been given. Children are a blessing, not something we are entitled to have. Our son has been the gift that keeps on giving each day. His smile, daily hugs and kisses, and joyful disposition are so sweet it literally brings me to tears to think of what a gift he is to our family. I didn’t want my longing for another child to distract me from the gift I had been given to enjoy each day.

“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.” Psalm 127:3

And so this summer I had set my mind to embracing this season full force and making lots of memories with my toddler. And we did make so many sweet memories….weekly trips to the zoo, going to the park, visiting water parks, it was so much fun! And then one day I realized that it was strange that my period hadn’t come yet and when I checked the calendar I realized that I was late. Then later that same day a wave of nausea hit me so hard I couldn’t ignore it. And so after putting Dominic down for nap I took a pregnancy test and it was positive! I was overcome with so much emotion and my eyes welled up with tears as I thought “We don’t deserve this baby.” I felt so humbled by the gift of new life growing inside my womb.

As we shared publicly last week that we were expecting another baby, the response from family and friends has been overwhelming! Angelo and I are truly humbled by the well wishes, prayers, and excitement that have been shared. It is a beautiful thing to watch those that have supported us during times of loss and longing now celebrate this season of blessing. This baby is already so incredibly loved! I also know that many of you are curious about how this pregnancy is going thus far, so I have listed a few fun facts below.

Due Date: April 10th (I’m 15 weeks)

How I told Angelo: When he got home from work I told him I had something for him in the oven and had put a bun in the oven. (Not super original, I know!) It took him a second, but he was immediately overcome with joy and it was a very special moment.

How I have been feeling: Honestly it’s been a rough couple of months as I’ve been experiencing the typical first trimester fatigue and lots of nausea. It seems to be more severe that when I was pregnant with Dominic, but I also keep wondering if I’ve somehow blocked out how sick I felt with Dominic. Just this week I feel I’ve turned the corner and am starting to get my energy and appetite back. Praise the Lord! These past three months Angelo has been such a rockstar cooking many dinners, doing grocery shopping (Thanks to Amazon Fresh!), and picking up lots of take out. I am thankful for such a supportive husband!

Guesses on gender: Angelo is convinced it’s a girl and I’ve been thinking it’s another boy. We will find out at 20 weeks! The discussion on names is going strong and we’ve had a girl name forever, but are still wrestling a bit over a boy name.

Any specific food cravings: I’ve had way more aversions than cravings thus far. Ice water and carbs are my best friend. And for those of you that know me well, there has been some late night macaroni and cheese eating. I’ve also not been wanting anything too sweet, which is similar to my pregnancy with Dominic.

Do we hope to continue growing our family: We both recognize what a blessing a child is and at this time we are open to more children if God chooses to bless our family with more. I always kind of cringe when people ask “How many kids do you want” because I know ultimately it’s not up to me. We want what the Lord has for us and right now are open to continuing to grow our family. (Although that could change after giving birth again!)

Twelve years ago today we said “I do” in the sticky hot July heat, so in love and without a care in the world. I remember our photographer never having to ask us to smile, because we couldn’t help but grin from ear to ear the entire day, all starry eyed and rosy cheeked. We were twenty-one years old and when I think back, I can’t believe what babies we were.

You were smitten with my beauty, I was smitten with your charm. We started dating April of our senior year of high school. We had chosen colleges states apart and decided we would date for a few months and then break up for college. Little did I know that you, my first boyfriend, would sweep me off my feet slowly but surely.

When you left for Arizona, I realized for the first time how much you meant to me. We continued a friendship over those next few months and had many long phone conversations. It was clear during our time apart that God was drawing us to Himself and to each other. Christmas Eve we officially started dating again. I’ll never forget the butterflies I felt seeing you walk down the hill, wearing your wool sweater, flowers in hand, as you came to greet me at my dorm room after we had been apart for months. Baby, you still give me butterflies all these years later.

You moved back to Washington, started attending SPU where I was going to college, and also worked a full time job so you could buy me the engagement ring of my dreams. You proposed bright and early one morning and surprised me with my favorite breakfast. We had decided not to live or sleep together until we got married and kept those convictions until our wedding day. Many thought we were crazy, but we were crazy in love and knew what we wanted, to spent the rest of our lives together.

And so that hot July day we recited those traditional wedding vows that have been said for generations, having no idea how many times those vows would be tested in the years to come.In our twelve years of marriage we have grown up together and those bright eyed and bushy tailed kids have seen some hard times. Together we have endured joblessness, depression, and infertility, just to list the tip of the iceberg. There have been many times we have gone to bed angry, said harsh words to one another, not been on the same team, and wondered how the heck two stubborn people like ourselves can be happy together.

And so here we are twelve years later, with no simple advice or tips for friends that are seeking marriage advice. The trite advice we would have given years ago falls flat, but there are a few things I’m sure of. I know that God is love and that His love is greater and more powerful that I can imagine. I know that His grace is sufficient and that His mercies are new each morning. I know that each day I choose you, my husband. You are still the one my heart desires…your touch can melt away the stress from the day, your singing puts a smile on my face, your cooking always touches my stomach and my heart, your convictions inspire me, and your tenderness with our son makes me excited for this season of life God has us in. Tomorrow is not guaranteed, troubles will come and go, but I choose you and trust the Lord to continue to guide us each day as He faithfully has these past twelve years. I love you Angelo, Happy Anniversary.

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” Colossians 3:12-14

Here it is, Mother’s Day, and I couldn’t let the day pass without sitting down to write. For those of you that haven’t read my blog before, it started when I turned 30, just shy of three years ago. During that time I was navigating the emotional waters of infertility. Little did I know that a month after talking about the challenges of celebrating Mother’s Day while longing for a baby, I would become pregnant (after trying for 3 years) with our first baby, only to miscarry that baby 11.5 weeks later. Then God carried us one more full year and we conceived our rainbow baby who had the exact same due date as his brother or sister one year later. Here I am now the mother of a happy, energetic, sweet 14 month old son who brings more joy and love to my life that I could have even imagined. You would think that this Mother’s Day all I would feel is happiness, but I have to be honest that I still feel a mix of emotions on the day that we celebrate mothers.

Today heavy on my heart ….. J, who gave her baby up for adoption and sacrificed so much to give him the best life she could….R, who lost her sweet baby girl in utero at 5 months along…N, who already has a child and longs for another and that dream keeps being unfulfilled…A, who buried her precious baby under a Japanese maple tree…K, who just lost her baby at 12 weeks along last week….S, who has longed to have a child to raise and has a foster child in her care….B, who longs to be a mother and doesn’t know if that will happen…my family who is mourning the loss of my grandmas, the matriarchs of our family. My heart is heavy for these amazing women in my life and the longings, prayers, and tears that have been shed on their journey of motherhood.

Today I am celebrating… N, who is expecting surprise baby number four, M and T who have waited for years to become pregnant and both are expecting their first child… E, who I’ve known most of my life and I just found out is expecting…A, who had a miracle baby that is now in her arms… … E who recently welcomed baby number 6 into her family….my own mother and mother-in-love who unconditionally love our family. My heart is celebrating these amazing mothers and their children who are wanted, loved, and adored.

As I think back on my own years of struggling on this day, I think of the friends that reached out to let me know they were thinking of me and I wasn’t alone. Those moments are still not forgotten years later, because they meant the world to me. They taught me that on Mother’s Day of all days it is important to reach out and let your friends know you are thinking of them. You are mourning with them. You are celebrating with them. You are praying for them. What they need to hear most is that you are thinking of them today, they are not forgotten. So often I think we fumble in trying to find the right words to say, and then often don’t say anything at all. It is so much more important to say something, than to say nothing all.

As I look back I am thankful for my dear friends C and N. C, who on Mother’s Day when I was still longing for a baby sent me a text saying “Happy Mother’s Day! I trust that someday in God’s timing you will be an amazing mother. I love you and am thinking about you today.” When I think back to the Mother’s Day when my heart was aching for the baby we lost I remember my friend N sending me a text saying “Today I am thinking of you. You may not have your baby in your arms, but you are a mother. Remembering you and your precious baby today.” And last year a number of friends thanked us for sharing our journey so they could share in our joy that our long awaited son was here. If you are one of the friends that have reached out to me on Mother’s Day I want to say thank you. Thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone and for teaching me the importance of reaching out to others to remind them the same thing.

“Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs it down, But a good word makes it glad.”

Two years ago yesterday I started this blog not having any idea where it would go and what direction my life would take over these past few years. At the time I was turning 30 and going through infertility. I felt led to start a blog to open up about our journey and also to write about other passions of mine. I have been a fair weather blogger to say the least and yet I’m thankful to have this small platform on the internet to share my heart and journey with those that care to listen. It has been humbling and healing to open up about our journey and invite others to walk beside us and give a voice to the struggles of infertility as well as bring hope. If you are new to the blog you can read more about our journey here and here.

Yesterday I turned 32 and the day before that I celebrated Mother’s Day with our sweet two month old son in tow. A lot has changed in two years! I have started a few blog posts over the last couple of months, but not managed to get any posted. I haven’t even given baby D a proper introduction on the blog! I laugh when I think about how much extra time I thought I would have when our baby arrived. I didn’t anticipate being one of “those moms” that held their baby for so many hours during the day. This sweet baby has slowed down this type A, social butterfly, always having an insanely long to-do-list mamma in the most beautiful way.

I know how fleeing the days are when he just wants to snuggle and smile and coo at me all day. I cherish each and every moment I hold him in my arms. His daddy and I are obsessed with his cuteness and the joy he brings. Daily we talk about how thankful we are for his joyful disposition and we pray that as he grows he has the joy of The Lord in his heart and spreads that joy wherever he goes. He has a smile that lights up the room and quite the charming personality to go along with that big toothless grin. Ah, I could continue going on gushing, can you tell I’m smitten? He was worth the wait in every way.

Hello sweet neglected blog of mine. I have thought about you often over these past few months as I have watched my belly grow and move with life. I have intended to write and share this journey, but have found myself pulling inward and taking these past few months to reflect and soak up the sweetness and healing that this season of life has brought.

Here I sit today, 39 weeks pregnant, Valentine’s Day, anticipating the arrival of our sweet son. The pure joy of this moment is magnified because of the longing, prayers, and heartache that have lead up to this moment in time.

Just one year ago I was dreading February as we approached the due date of the baby we will someday meet in heaven. I felt the weight of grief and a season of bareness that seemed to go on and on. In the midst of the pain I remember noticing little purple crocuses popping up from the ground. These resilient little flowers bursting forth from the cold, frozen earth, showing their amethyst color, which immediately made me think of the February birthstone. To me these flowers symbolized new life, hope, and the promise that God can bring life out of what seems like barren land. Everywhere I went I would notice these tiny pops of purple hope.

Today I was taken aback as I looked down and saw a plethora of amethyst crocuses proudly making their February debut. Immediately I was taken back to the emotions I felt last year and the stark contrast of where my life and my heart is today. God is faithful to bring life out of the barren land.

“The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” Isaiah 58:11

The saying ‘When it rains it pours’ usually applies to difficult seasons of life, but the last few months I have been seeing that phrase in a new way. I have watched my life transition from a heavy season of waiting, wrestling, and struggling to a new season of life, hope, and answered prayers. I can only describe it as a raining down of joy and blessing from God. In my darkest hours I clung desperately to hope and today I am more convinced than ever that God heard those prayers and is answering them in the most beautiful way. He is truly a God who redeems and restores.

“You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!” Pslam 30:11-12

A couple of weeks ago we had our 20 week ultrasound and we planned a gender reveal party that same evening with some of our closest friends and family. I will admit that going into that appointment I had fear tugging at me. Would we see a healthy baby? Would we find any major developmental concerns? It was a leap of faith to plan the party and walk in faith and hope that the ultrasound would be fine.

Our hearts lept for joy as we saw our healthy, active baby on the screen! The ultrasound tech meticulously checked out every single part of our little one and the report came back….perfectly healthy. What an answer to prayer! At times I still have to pinch myself because I feel like all of this is a dream, but there on that screen I could see in such a visible way our dreams coming true.

We then came back home to a room filled with loved ones as we all waited in anticipation to find out if this precious baby was going to be a boy or girl! Please feel free to check out the fun reveal here. OH BOY! We are thrilled to be expecting a baby boy in February! How very loved he is already. My heart swells with joy to think of the day we will meet face to face.

I have recently been searching for a Bible verse that that would hopefully guide our son’s life as he grows. We are currently going through a sermon series on Psalms and last week we focused on joy. The words of Psalm 27:8 immediately stood out to me:

“The Lord is my strength and my shield;

in him my heart trusts, and I am helped;

my heart exults,

and with my song I give thanks to him. “

Angelo and I loved everything about this verse for our son and how appropriate that it came to us on a sermon on joy! This baby boy is a gift, a joy, and we pray that his life will be a song of thanks to the Lord.

It is a dream come true to share that Angelo and I are expecting a sweet baby in February! If you have been following this blog then you know it has been a four year journey of longing and waiting to get to this place. We are beyond grateful to be at this point in our journey and for all the love and support has been given to us during the years we have struggled with infertility. Many of you are prayer warriors and have faithfully prayed for our family and we know God has heard and answered those prayers. Thank you for your steadfast friendship and support during a season that seemed at times like it would go on forever. Your love has carried us in more ways than you know.

I will warn you that this post is longer than usual, but there is much to share about this past year of our journey. As I sit down to write I am flooded with emotions. I am elated, humbled, grateful, and in awe of the gift we have been given. I know how precious the gift of this child is and how blessed we are. On the other hand being pregnant again has brought feelings of fear, remembering the struggles we have gone through, and fighting to live in the present instead of the past.

In so many ways I just want to move forward with rose-colored glasses and be a giddy, naïve, obnoxiously elated pregnant woman, yet to do so would not be genuine. I can’t and don’t want to deny all the ways God has deeply worked in these past four years of struggle, waiting and longing. I am forever changed because of our journey through infertility. As we enter this new season I am processing all the lessons God has taught me over these past few years and will share more on this topic in a future blog post.

When I announced our first pregnancy I titled my blog post “God is faithful” and when I miscarried that precious baby 11.5 weeks later I titled that blog post “God is still faithful.” God’s faithfulness has certainly been a present theme during our journey of loss and infertility and with this current pregnancy. Even on our darkest days the hope we have in Christ has been our anchor.

After we went through our miscarriage last July we took many months after to process and heal. This last year of infertility has broken us in ways I could only imagine. During that time we decided to move forward with meeting with a fertility clinic (Seattle Reproductive Medicine) to talk about what our next steps were. I had one last test I could try to see if my progesterone was low. I went ahead with that test and I ended up being slightly low, but not low enough that they thought it was affecting my fertility or cause for concern. Once again we were back at undiagnosed infertility, where on paper we should have no problem getting pregnant and yet here we were. The next step we were looking at was IUI and then after four cycles if that didn’t work, then we were looking at IVF. We were only given a 20% chance that IUI would work.

After that appointment I didn’t feel peace to move forward with IUI right away. Of course I had a sense of urgency and desperation for a baby, but for us the journey of infertility has not been to plow ahead at a fast pace doing everything and anything that is within our control. Each step of the way has involved much prayer and seeking God’s peace and direction to move forward. So we sat for months waiting and hoping to get pregnant on our own and taking time to heal…. waiting past what would have been our baby’s due date, past yet another Mother’s Day, the waiting was incredibly painful, and yet it was clear we were called to wait. And to be honest part of me really wanted to just get pregnant again naturally. It had happened once and I was hopeful it could happen again. But it wasn’t happening and one day while praying I felt a release to move forward with IUI and so we started the process that very same day.

To our surprise, relief, and utter joy we became pregnant after our first try at IUI! We found out we were pregnant right before Father’s Day. When I calculated the due date February 17, 2015 came up. I froze. Chills ran over my entire body. Our first precious baby was due February 17, 2014. We have the EXACT same due date one year later. Wow. This was clearly God’s timing. I was instantly reminded of a sermon preached that past Sunday about how God intimately cares about us. I realized that this whole time God had planned this timing, this special due date, not to fully erase the pain we had experienced, but to bring healing and redemption.

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, therefore I will hope in him.” The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.” –Lamentations 3:22-25

I started this blog one year ago on my 30th birthday. I had felt the nudge to start blogging for a long time and decided that entering a new decade in life was a good time to take the leap. I was excited to share some of my passions – my faith, homemaking and cooking to name a few, but I had a deeper reason to start my blog. I decided to open up and share about my journey through infertility and to give a voice to the inner struggle that so many face alone. Wow. Little did I know how life would unfold and all that I would go through as I entered my 30’s.

My heart feels heavy. I can feel the tightness and weight of it all in every part of my body, even though I try so hard to push it all away. This past year God has allowed a deep work in my life through all I have experienced and I am forever changed and humbled. However I am not entering this new year feeling jaded or hard, but with a fresh perspective. I have a renewed heart of compassion for those who struggle, suffer, and hope for dreams unfulfilled. I have eyes to see and a heart to empathize with people in a way that I didn’t have before. For as much pain as I have gone through this past year, I can honestly say I wouldn’t change what has happened.

I trust that my suffering is not in vain and that God does have a plan. Even though I have no idea what that plan is, I trust my loving Father in heaven. As Romans 8:28 says “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (NIV) I cling to the hope I have in Jesus. He is the God of the resurrection and all that follow him are resurrection people. As I read these words from Rachel Held Evans this week they spoke to me in a powerful way:

“Our God is in the business of bringing dead things back to life, so if we want in on God’s business, we better prepare to follow God to all the rock-bottom, scorched-earth, dead-on-arrival corners of this world, including those in our own hearts- because that’s where God works, that’s where God gardens. There’s no ladder to holiness to climb, no self-improvement plan to follow. It’s just death and resurrection, over and over again, day after day, as God reaches down into our deepest graves and with the same power that raised Jesus from the dead wrests us from our pride, our apathy, our fear, our prejudice, our anger, our hurt, and our despair.”

In so many ways through this past year I have wrestled with God over my own fear, pride, despair and He has met me in that place and sustained me. As Shauna Niequist says in her book Bread and Wine, “We never grow until the pain level gets high enough.” Ugh, isn’t that the ugly truth. I wish I could trade the pain, but I will take the growth and press forward into what God has for me. I trust him to make beauty out of these ashes (Isaiah 63:1) and will wait to see how that beauty unfolds in this barren land.

Until then I will continue to count my blessings each day and to strive for contentment and gratitude daily. Today that includes feeling the love of dear friends and family, getting out to enjoy the sunshine, and enjoying a delicious dinner with my husband. I do have much to be thankful for.

“Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.” –Philippians 3:8 (ESV)

***For those who also find Mother’s Day bittersweet, may you find this article encouraging and honoring of your situation.

As you can see I have taken a long hiatus from this blog and that was quiet unintentional. These past few months have included many ups and downs and as a result I have had to take a step back, reflect, and prioritize what matters most in life. They say “when it rains it pours” and I don’t know why that so often is the truth, but I have been in a rainstorm for much of these past few months.

If you have been reading my blog you know we went through a miscarriage in July after what had already felt like a long infertility journey. Our baby journey has only been one of the storms I have been going through these past few months, but it is definitely one that weighs heavily on my heart and is the reason I need to break my blogging silence today.

Today, February 17th, was the due date for our precious baby.

Perhaps in some strange way I have been holding my breath for this day to arrive to begin blogging again and continue on the path of moving on and healing. In so many ways I have been dreading for this day to come, to acknowledge the pain of what was lost and a heart and arms that ache for a baby that will not be arriving.

It never ceases to amaze me that on my darkest days God reminds me to hope.

Today I went to work at my job as a nanny and my sister joined me for most of the day with my sweet nephew. I was going through the motions, trying to be present in the day while at the same time knowing how tender and fragile I was. When I set up the playdate with my sister I knew what day and it was, but didn’t acknowledge it’s significance to her. I figured it couldn’t hurt to have a fun distraction to keep my mind off of things.

Well the morning was fun and full of distractions looking after three busy little ones. Towards the end of the day my sister handed me a gift. I asked what it was for and she said just to open it.

I opened the card and read the most heartfelt letter acknowledging the significance of the day, our loss, her prayers and hopes for us and our future family. I completely lost it.

If the letter wasn’t enough, she also got me a beautiful pure white glassybaby and it’s name….

Hope.

A word that has so much significance and sums up what our precious baby meant to us.

Tonight as I sit here admiring the bright candlelight in the darkness and think about the events of the day, this verse comes to mind, “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1:5

Here I have been wallowing in my own grief and God reminds me that no matter how dark things get He is here with us, and there is always hope.

Thank you to those that continue to read this blog and friends and family that walk closely with us on this journey. To those that have sent a text or note today, each and every prayer and word of love is felt deeply. When the darkness threatens to take over it is such a gift to know we are not forgotten, we are loved, and there is hope.