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Thursday, March 1, 2018

Glorious Succulents Galore

I just love houseplants. No weeding, no broiling sun
while weeding, no being bitten by slithery and flying things while
digging, no getting drenched while planting, no blisters while hoeing.
All our houseplants do is sit in front of our windows asking for good
light, a few cups of water and a few chews of a good fertilizer. And
they always look great. My problem with them is that my thumb is
occasionally gets too green---well maybe more chartreuse--- which means
that my plants sometimes get so huge I have to give them away or we
can’t get into our rooms. Fortunately, I know a wonderful woman who
adopts my overgrown house plants and takes them to her home. We part,
my plants and I, no tears. I say thanks to them, wave and whisper
goodbye and off they go to their new homes. We never look back.

Furthermore, house plants are ever so much better than
pets. They’re not nearly as needy. You can leave house plants for
long periods of time if well-watered and fed, friends do not mind coming
in to check on them because plants never lunge, bite, poop or run away,
and they don’t shed. Don’t get me wrong; I love all animals
world-wide, and give them more respect, love and caring than I probably
do my fellow humans, well sometimes, because frankly the animals in my
life deserve this. I do not kill. I really don’t. OK let’s clarify; if
something is going to sting me, or crush parts of me between great
toothed jaws that can shred concrete slabs, or if they intend to fill me
with venom that will turn me into a hugely swollen, throbbing purple
blob, or if they look longingly at me as if they’d like to invite me to
be supper---they get offed. Yes, by me. That is if I am able. Not so
sure getting wrapped in the coils of a 30 ft Anaconda as it
enthusiastically constricts my life force would be easily subdued, but
I’d give it a shot. So you see, I do kill when I absolutely must.

So that’s why I love house plants. They just don’t do
bad things to people. Happily, I’ve recently discovered a sweet
houseplant that doesn’t normally get huge, so I can keep it forever.
It’s cute, doesn’t drip dead leaves all over my floor and many can even
be planted outside although I’ve already explained my feelings about
outdoor gardening.

They are succulents. How come nobody ever told me about
these little beauties? How come I didn’t pay more attention to them as
I’ve stumbled through my life? How is it I always manage to come so
late to things? Everyone seems to know about succulents. I, at 80, have
just started to notice them. They are weird, strange, fascinating and
when I talk to them I’m pretty sure they answer. Have you ever seen
them? I mean all of them? Impossible. There are thousands of varieties.
Google “photos of all the world’s house plant succulents” if you don’t
believe me. You will be blown away at the enormous variety, endless
beauty and enchanting strangeness. I am hooked for life!

One of my many bad habits is that I fall in love with
some hobby or activity or whatever, and after two years, literally to
the day, first my boredom veil floats down, followed by the slamming of a
great door somewhere and I move on and never look back. I’m done. This
will not happen with my newfound love; pretty succulents.

Alas we don’t live in a huge house with tons of floor
to ceiling glass walls for hours of sunshine to spill in, but since I do
want to collect these little gems possibly by the hundreds I may have
to prevail upon Mongo to find the money for that kind of an addition to
our home. And to take down a bunch of trees, too. Then I could cover
those glass walls with shelves and fill them with those darling, weird
succulents. I have about 10 now, just the standard kind found
everywhere but idiotically, I can’t stop staring at them. Those little
plants are simply gorgeous, unreal, surreal. Am I getting wiggy in my
dotage? You bet.

Have you checked out that Google info? Do it. It’s as
if Someone Out There who created plants way back in the Dawn of
Evolution decided “If I can imagine it, I can design it.” And so, he/she
let loose and did just that. These plants come in every possible shape
and design. Weirdly wonderful. Yes, I gush.

If anyone out there can send me any good info or
names of books on succulents from around the world etc., I’d be ever so
grateful. I know one can buy the plants by mail but I just don’t want
those little pretties to be banged around in a dark box with no air or
water, even for one overnight delivery. No. They are way too precious
and weird, fun, unique, adorable and maybe even too fragile. And
beautiful. Did I mention that?

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