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Topic: Sci-fi novel now available from DC member kyrathaba! (Read 300276 times)

Page 15.22 "The medical robot has not been supplied with biological or synthetic compounds to slow and reverse this depletion. These organic machines will cease to function." I'm guessing that the 'cease to function' is meant to relate / caused by the lack of compounds? If so, maybe something like: 'The medical robot had not been supplied with biological or synthetic compounds to slow and reverse this depletion. When blood sugar depletion becomes terminal the organic machines will cease to function.' 'terminal' isn't right... but I couldn't think of the right word

I'm assuming that the medical robot is referring to the 4 bodies in the pods, in which case should it be "organisms" rather than "organic machines" ?

Maybe:

Continued depletion of blood sugar will result in failure of organisms to sustain life functions.

Page 16.11 "The autoguns’ computer-aided sighting systems are programmed only to fire on creatures whose physical parameters are outside those of humans." not exactly sure what's not sitting right... but I think it's that the sighting systems don't fire, that they'd inhibit the firing of the autogun. Or is that just being pedantic?

"The computer-aided autoguns are programmed to only fire on organisms whose physical parameters are outside those of humans."

Page 16.23 "He eased his bulk onto the front edge of his massive office desk, crossed his arms, and cocked his head up at Jaimie." So Jaimie is standing and taller than Jim when he's almost standing (perched on the desk)?

By my calculations, it would put his eye-level at approximately 140-155cm from ground level, (based on average leg to torso ratios)

Chapter 8Page 17.1 "A-3: Friday, 6/15/2283, 1422 hours, The Core Chambers" I would go back to a more international date format Surely date formats would have been standardised by 2283, especially as imperial measurements have disappeared

Always did prefer International Date Format, (YYYY/MM/DD).

Page 17.7 "We’re almost to the point right now where we’re going to have to pause and robotically collect and transport what we’ve drilled through, getting it out of our way." Would she say it like this? It's a bit clumsy, tho' maybe it's meant to be that way? I'd say something like: 'We’re going to have to pause soon and robotically remove the overburden, as it's getting in our way.' Though not sure about 'overburden'?

I think the generic 'waste', (rock waste, waste material), might be more suitable, overburden is what is on top of something you specifically want to get to.

Page 17.44 "There was a lengthy pause before Sethra admitted, “If they do either of those things in the near future, then our existence will suddenly end, as if an appliance’s power cell were removed. But remember this: just as our former reality provided a means of entering this new reality, and leaving our former bodies behind, we may discover access points onto yet other realities that can be reached from this world, realities wherein the substrate for our consciousnesses is not dependent upon computer power.” Every time I read this I think that he's forgotten the most obvious: that they'd not be alive in either reality

I think that's more a question for philosophical debate, "I think, therefore I am."

Chapter 9Page 18.24 "the conceptual sets that humans brought across with them from their former biological to their new digital existence" It may be just the way I talk, but I'd have 'the conceptual sets that humans brought across with them from their former biological existence to their new, digital existence'

Page 18.34 "He’s most often known as the author of the classic high fantasy works The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, and The Silmarillion." I know I'm revisiting this.. but I think it's best as 'best known'

Chapter 10Page 19.10 "Yes,” said Dr. Ericson, “the newly discovered cavern is immense, larger in fact that all the caverns that together form the Core of A-3." should be 'than'?

Page 19.18 "He had also designed the Analytical Engine which, although not built in his lifetime, was considered by modern historians to be the first mechanical computer." 'modern historians' of the 20 century? Would they still be called 'modern'?

Page 19.24 "Increase microbot inspections from monthly to every two weeks" Would he have said that or 'fortnightly' or 'twice-weekly'? Biweekly probably would have sorted out its international confusion... but who's to say what to?

Page 19.43 "“My lips are sealed” said Sethra, and grinned." does there need to be punctuation: '“My lips are sealed,” said Sethra, and grinned.'

Page 19.49 "Byron could almost envision her fingernails transforming into claws." I think that's a little over stated?

Page 19.51 "The ‘globe’ I handed our overly friendly hostess is correctly called a Glow Globe." He's just said this twice.

Chapter 11Page 20.7 "To construction foremen of the twenty- and twenty-first centuries, this relative silence would have been eerie." Are you saying that workers before the 20th century were silent?

Page 20.16 "He had also requested the attendance of medical doctor and biologist Dorian Graham" Is he forever young??

Page 20.20 "I don’t want to insinuate that I believe our androids are dangerous to us, now that the alien is dead. They probably aren’t." Would that be better as: ' I don’t want to insinuate that I believe our androids are dangerous to us. Now that the alien is dead, they probably aren’t.'

Page 20.26 "If there are no further questions on the android agenda item, let’s move on to the next item, increasing our power generation capability, and increasing the amount of energy we have ‘on tap’, in the form of power cells, the large banks of high-capacity power cells found in Engineering and Environmental domes, and the temperature differential gradient materials to which we route excess pulled off our geothermal taps." That is one very long sentence! Surely the agenda item would have had a more succinct heading?

Page 20.36 “Because we were examining a corpse, we had no way to map cortical areas, and it would have been a monumental task anyway, given that we’d have been dealing with a foreign species that is hostile to us. We have no way of knowing if we possess drugs that would have worked with its particular biochemistry to make it docile and cooperative." Missing quotation close.

Page 20.37 "The creature’s brain to overall body mass ratio was 1:28. Compare that to a ratio of 1:40 in humans, and 1:560 in the probably now extinct Loxodonta Africana.”" I wasn't sure why you picked an African elephant? I would have thought an animal about the same mass as the alien would have been a better comparison? Also, when I searched I found quite different figures, though wikipedia quotes that figure?

Page 20.51 "And risk bearding the lion?” said Mark Shields. “Like shaking a hornets nest. We’ve no idea of their defensive capability. They could be capable of swatting those missiles down before they complete a third of their trajectory. And, if we have any survivors on the moon, the aliens might destroy them in reprisal." My understanding of bearding the lion (in his own den) is that of itself, it's not a risk, but an action that has risks? And the main risk for luna survivors would be detection.

Page 20.52 "Let’s ensure that our children grow up knowing the appearance of their enemy." should be something like 'Let’s ensure that our children grow up know the appearance of their enemy.'

"here by the order of his Majesty’s Royal Guard, to pay homage to their rightful sovereign." Back in 19.59 it was "The king summons you to dine with him tonight."... not sure if that's an issue?

Page 21.7 "To Veronee Houston, he looked strikingly like that twentieth-century television actor, Sean Connery." This made me wonder why she remembered an actor from 3 centuries previous?

Page 21.9 "The girth of the leather strap on which is was strung suggested to Byron that the man normally carried the huge weapon across his back." should that be 'this' or 'it'?

Page 21.31 "A hole had been carved kilometers into the base of the mountain and then sharply descended, continuing beyond scan range." The aliens use our metric system?

Page 21.45 "“No, my king. We are from a faraway land called Aythree.” Zuzana met Byron’s eyes, and saw that he, too, recognized the bastardized form of their former compound’s designation, A-3." When I first read this I wondered if it was possible not to recognise the similarity? Is it too obvious?

Page 21.47 "But tonight, be at ease, and rest in the favor of your king." Surely not their king?

Chapter 13Page 22.8 "Sethra was gripping his shoulders, in his face." Took me a while to figure that out... maybe could be rephrased? I just didn't understand what he was doing: I pictured Sethra hugging himself until Sandi demonstrated it

Page 22.27 "Dukensenmatchlofel had landed in a small shuttle nearby, and had hiked the half kilometer to the spot pinpointed by ship scanners." Sandi says I've got to tell you that these names are difficult to read aloud Plus Alien metric system??

Page 22.28 "Had he known it, the initial two kilometers of tunnel, which was fairly level, had been the beginning of a great engineering feat, in 2154. Yes, the arrogant humans were going to drill a tunnel clear..." I'm not sure of the best way to do this, but as he did not know it, the use of 'arrogant' seems misplaced.

Page 22.32 "No telling how long this message had been looping." at this point he hadn't heard it loop, so that's an assumption at that point.

The original post has been updated to reflect the benefit of all the corrections noted in my post above. New zip containing updated mobi and epub files, and the online html version has been updated. Again, thank you Perry and 4wd for taking the time to post the problems you found. I owe you.

Now that the book is half-written, and much, much better thanks to my betareaders' proofing, I'm going to read it all the way through this afternoon, to get the full effect, then proceed to write Chapter 16.

Quick minor question: is there any significance to the fact Byron is wearing red neoprene coveralls in the prolog?

You made a separate sentence of it and I was wondering if this would be a lead-in to his occupation, societal rank, political affiliation, or possibly a hint of where he had just come from? Was it intended as some sort of foreshadowing?

At first I though it was just me. But a friend of mine also asked "what's the significance of red neoprene coveralls" when she read it.

She also wondered how he could be walking around in them without overheating. (She's a licensed scuba diver btw.) According to her, neoprene is very hot to wear when out of the water. So unless it was very cold in A-3, or his coveralls had climate control, he'd probably be extremely uncomfortable wearing them while sipping a hot drink - or doing anything physical earlier - which wearing coveralls seems to imply..

The first chapter or two make some references suggesting that personnel have a color-tagged dress code. For example, there's a meeting of the Blues that Sethra winds up leaving early because he sees a notice on one of the chamber's large wall screens that a recent death in the compound was a miscarriage of his girlfriend's (and his) child.

You notice in the book it occasionally makes mention of the fact that Zuzana wears the Green of Environmental.

I'm giving what's been written a thoroughly clinical read. In Chapter 1, I've identified sixteen needed changes, LOL. Once I get this process done for everything I've written thus far, I'll upload the edited manuscript for everyone's review, then begin work on Chapter 16.

Page 16.9"and a pair of androids is already stationed at each such location." should that be 'are'?

The object antecedent of the verb stationed is 'pair'. So, technically, it's correct, as in "The pair is seated on a park bench, enjoying the late afternoon sunshine." What makes it sound wrong is the intervening 'of androids': since 'androids' is plural, it sounds like you need "are", not "is". But androids is not the antecedent, it's in a the prepositional phrase "of androids". To clear this up, I'm changing the sentence to this:

These are narrow areas where people must pass through single file, and two androids are already stationed at each such location.

This made me wonder why she remembered an actor from 3 centuries previous?

Just as Byron scours their databases and selects songs for his listening pleasure that are decades or even over a century old, many compounders like to watch media from far earlier days. There's, to some extent, a degree of erudite snobbery among the compounders. Being able to quote song/show name, year, actor name, etc., is one of many ways they try to convey superiority. They can no longer flaunt fancy automobiles, or mansion-size houses, so they resort to what they have to work with.

OK... I'd be careful though how much stuff you put in from our living memory as that can get a little... not sure what it's called? Maybe using son / daughter of living famous people would convey enough of their genetic likenesses?

Page 21.45 "“No, my king. We are from a faraway land called Aythree.” Zuzana met Byron’s eyes, and saw that he, too, recognized the bastardized form of their former compound’s designation, A-3." When I first read this I wondered if it was possible not to recognise the similarity? Is it too obvious?

Sharp readers should catch this. I think I'll take it out, since I'd rather the sharp readers get a chuckle, than have it squashed by the author spoon-feeding those slower on the uptake. It now becomes:

Sethra nodded in what he hoped was a respectful manner. “No, my king. We are from a faraway land called Aythree.” The king sighed. “You pierced the veil to come here, did you not? You are a world-walker.”

Yes... you could even have it remain but more subtle like "Byron winked at Zuzana" type thing without explicitly explaining why?

Page 21.47 "But tonight, be at ease, and rest in the favor of your king." Surely not their king?

Here I'm showing some equivocation and giving a nod toward the fact that the king is a programmed construct. He's programmed to be arrogant (overlaid with a thin veneer of benficence) and to insist that all bend the knee to him. He's got empire-building in mind. Thus, he speaks as if he is their sovereign, even though they've only just arrived. "My house, my rules" sort of thinking, on his part.

Chapter 13Page 22.8 "Sethra was gripping his shoulders, in his face." Took me a while to figure that out... maybe could be rephrased? I just didn't understand what he was doing: I pictured Sethra hugging himself until Sandi demonstrated it Sad

Fixed with this:

Sethra was gripping Byron’s shoulders, and in his face. “Hush!” he whispered harshly. “Don’t mock his voice. There are guards outside our room. What if they reported it?”

This may just be language differences (me not understanding fully)... would you consider "nose to nose" (not sure if that has other connotations)? The other thing that bothered me was that 'was' felt soft, whereas I had the impression that Sethra reacted strongly and quickly... 'Sethra gripped Byron's shoulders, nose to nose with his friend with a wild look on his face, "Hush! ...'

I really love it when I'm reading and what I've read makes Sandi laugh spontaneously I don't think it's particularly easy to put really funny bits into a novel

Page 16.23 "He eased his bulk onto the front edge of his massive office desk, crossed his arms, and cocked his head up at Jaimie." So Jaimie is standing and taller than Jim when he's almost standing (perched on the desk)?

By my calculations, it would put his eye-level at approximately 140-155cm from ground level, (based on average leg to torso ratios)

Page 17.44 "There was a lengthy pause before Sethra admitted, “If they do either of those things in the near future, then our existence will suddenly end, as if an appliance’s power cell were removed. But remember this: just as our former reality provided a means of entering this new reality, and leaving our former bodies behind, we may discover access points onto yet other realities that can be reached from this world, realities wherein the substrate for our consciousnesses is not dependent upon computer power.” Every time I read this I think that he's forgotten the most obvious: that they'd not be alive in either reality

I think that's more a question for philosophical debate, "I think, therefore I am."

I don't disagree... I just immediately thought of the more simplistic answer that if A-3 had been destroyed then it didn't matter if they were in A-3 physically or a computer in A-3, they'd be dead either way.

He eased his bulk onto the front edge of his massive office desk, crossed his arms, and looked at Jaimie. So there's no longer any reference to height (looking up to, down at, etc.)

I don't disagree... I just immediately thought of the more simplistic answer that if A-3 had been destroyed then it didn't matter if they were in A-3 physically or a computer in A-3, they'd be dead either way.

Changed the passage to read as so:

Zuzana turned the spitted rabbits. “What if, on a lark, the aliens decide to implode every subterranean compound, or to launch a kinetic missile of sufficient mass to demolish the globe? What happens to us then?”There was a lengthy pause before Sethra admitted, “If they do either of those things in the near future, then our existence will suddenly end.”“Near future?” asked Byron, seeking clarification.“I’ve a theory, but I’m not ready to try to articulate it, yet,” said Sethra.They paused in their discussion to eat, pulling hot bits of surprisingly savory flesh from their cooked meal. As the night deepened and it grew cooler, they donned their cloaks and bedded down. Into the flickering shadows cast by the lowering fire, Veronee asked, “What’s the name of this reality, anyway?”