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Friday, December 31, 2010

My mother called me because she got a letter and apparently I've been approached the bank, where my salary goes - and because of salary is more than a certain amount(~1000Eur) - I was able to change my contract to some sort of 'VIP', what would mean the followings:-I do not have to stand in lines to have assistance in the bank, I got a person who I can call and deal my issues with directly any day.-I do not pay any % for money transfer, account fee, SMS-prices, most of the ATM-usages etc-I get 'better' investment offers, deposit rates than the 'usual' bank users.-Better credit card opportunities, more debt allowed etc - lolol

This clearly means: the bank disregards the poor for the benefit of the rich.I would say, it would be much better if this would be the opposite - the poor should not get plucked by any % - rather the rich should be.This is an other example of the ruthless system what measures 'living'-qualities by the people's money. It's the same as the cast-systems where the outcasts have nothing and they are disregarded by the system, by the members of the system, because they are not supporting the system. Because they can not, or because they refuse to. But anyway the outcasts are very busy with surviving, so they are occupied, so they can not influence, change the system, but the system utterly determines their reality anyway - as your money, as your quality of 'life'.That's why we must realize within ourselves one by one that the quality of Life is at least the naturally distributed Equality System, where none of the members are disregarded, only because they do not have money.What is the worth of happiness for me if I am aware of the sly metal claw of this money-pyramid-consumer-addiction, a self-abdication where a Self is not aware of All Self Here as Equal as One, yet still responsible for the determination of Reality without even being aware of it only for self-deception, otherwise Self would Change.Changing Self requires changing the System of Life - the Value must be Life - not allowing anyone to be harmed just because some have more money and they say so. Those who has money and fear from loosing it, probably they're right - if they would not direct the current Human System with metal harshness, probably they would kill each other in years. But if we explore the Principle of 'Equality and Oneness' - we can research, dig out what Really Matters, here As Physical as Substance.And if we can not Live All Equally supported on the Physical level - we do not exist as Life, we exist as a Programmed System, which will end inevitably, as it is not aware of that it is destroying itself before even realizing what is happening.

The Solution is an Equal Money System what means the maximum amount of money is divided equally between all humans and each newborn would have well enough money for:-Support the Human Physical body with proper food, shelter, healthcare-Support the Being with Education - how Reality works, how Self moves, how through the mind humans deceive themselves and others-Support the Being with Pure Self Expression as Innocence as Life as Infinity

This would obviously mean that most of the crimes would disappear what are about the money.Also this would mean that each child would have equal opportunity to Express Life - everyone should become aware how painful to -tell your child, that she/he can not do who they really are, because the family is poor -being told that you can not be simply who you are, because you have to fight for survive.Within an Equal Money System - those competitions what abuse Life would stop - no more raging 'religional' wars for resources, no more nervesick jobs for resources where people have to win and loose for money.The banks would put together the money - what is already in computers anyway - and start to support an Equality Group - wherein the participants would be supported in physical level and they would research and implement the New, Global Equal Money System - and then Humanity would start to learn how to take responsibility for themselves and for the planet.The planet is going fine, but the living conditions are going down quite fast - the environment can not take any poison, it starts to give it back to the humans - and the humans can not stand up for this global changes because they are divided, separated, different intents, agendas - therefore if we do not unite within One Global Group - the environment issue can not be handled within sufficient effectiveness, therefore it is a must to bring about a change within our starting point from profit and energy to Physical Equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not express myself unconditionally by judging the situation and the thing to be expressed by judging it as not relevant/not great enough/not final instead of realizing the math of 1+1=2 and express myself withhout self judgement .

I forgive myself that I have not realized that by judging and suppressing myself actually I am not here as myself but as of definition with the starting point of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express myself without judgement.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by information instead of realizing that I direct information.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by information instead of I direct information.I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that who I became is directed by information but who I really am is self direction.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am directed by information.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to information.I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to trust information first instead of trusting self here unconditionally.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I make myself extremely busy to remain sure that I am not wasting my time but in fact sometimes I put too much on my shoulder and even that I planned to do but then it is slow to stop when it's pushing me down...I am getting more and more 'irritated' from my limitations in a way - the physical limitation I can accept, as a challenge, and as more I am becoming 'physical' - the more directive power I can express here in this reality...I did not want this when I was a kid - I wanted to be sure that I do not oppress anything in this world - I could 'feel' this physical equality when I was tiny - but then it changed, I became as the others, I lost. Fuck man, now you know how much I was lost, as you 'get' similar.Outcast, lost, fucked up by everything. my mother also regularly visits psychiatry - but not for the mj hehe

I remember for this to realize: 'without psychedelics, I'm insane, untrustworthy by myself' so to speak, as I never could really change by myself, simply, but with these psychedelic energies, I was able to 'ride' the mind, to explore the mind, what is this mind, how comes that I can kick it off for a while and then why it comes back?I escaped into many stuff, like those buddhu, floweroflife, but I could see by practicing, that they do not directly assist - only they could give a certain amount of energy to jump but I always fall and lost everything and start over from zero (0$, 0 self-power, 0 harmony)...Then after a fall I found desteni and they talked about this stuff of dimensions change, of course I liked that and with self forgiveness they opened a point within me:

When I was a kid, we had a dog, he was a rare one, a Pumi, and once he was afraid of me and hi bitten me, not seriously but it did hurt - then I grabbed a big stick and I hit him some times and then he was really sad and I immediately regret it - I knew that it was a mistake and I did not liked myself about that. Long years, about 12 more, sometimes this came up in me, but I felt I could not forgive to myself that - then I had a girlfriend, wife, once at in a shop while we were arguing, I was so angry, I grabbed her tits very strong and that hurt her quite much, not only physical and that also I immediately regret and I could not really want that, it was really a shitface act but I did it...she told me after days that it hurts...This two were the most big scars within me, 'living' like not happened but in a secret door that thing I had - 'a regret room' -- very sometimes I went there, mostly by accident and then I spent time raging within this energy then leaving it...

when desteni told about self - forgiveness - i remembered for bible stories jesus forgiveness, but did not make sense to forgive to other - but to myself - so I started self forgiveness on the most obvious shit - my dog and my girlfriend and I wrote a lot - I had this intent, decision, want to stop regret those acts, how to stop it? To learn from it - because if I learn from it, I change - if I still regret, I still did not change...

So I started to see the points when I would go into the regret-room, and forgiving myself in that situation immediately - because of that situation I went into regret - I wanted to stop regret because it made me untrustworthy for myself - and not trusting myself would mean that in fact I can not trust anyone or anything - because if I do not trust myself absolutely, how I can be sure about my trust towards specific humans - so I wanted to trust myself endless...So I do not regret anymore that I hit my dog or my girlfriend - I rather learn and change undefined by trusting myself that I am aware enough to not make the same mistake - the mystic of involuntary acts are pawed with self forgiveness points - then I am preparing myself to actually not participate within that dishonesty and not being overwhelmed by anger to a degree where I abuse without any control simply by the energy itself bursts into a harmful direction...so it is tough to see what one accepts and allows to express - but I started, I became it, I realize it, I understand it, I embrace it, I stop it and explore what is beyond dishonesty...

And this is it - that's why I became interested in desteni, because with simple points, I started to forgive myself - but I saw that it is not 2 weeks, and the most deep points change by years of work on self to stand up

so I say, you can not really loose much in this situation - you placed you (t)here where you have no choice but to learn from your mistakes by simply seeing what you are doing moment by moment day by day -- inside in body/mind and outside in act/speak/writefor me self forgiveness is when I realized I am absolutely lost in all ways - I start to build myself - from here, where and who I am -- I have to stabilize myself into 'one' constant point - to collect all myself into one momentary expression - so I wanted to have this 'starting point' in my reality - what I can trust - what I can use, what I can be without any doubt to become Real.

This point is the Physical - noone really likes the physical, but Here is what is Physically Real.My body - is physical, normally it is quite stable, all day I 'have' this physical body. What this body is doing by itself? Breathes. The Breath is Reality - in, hold, out, hold.I noticed that when I feel the breath, I am Here with the Breath, but still separated.when I experience the breath, I am Here with the experience of the breath.when I am breath, I am Here as breath.

this would be a practical walk to unify self here for a moment - I am in this process, I guess, I have many inner reactions, many thoughts, energies come up automatically within me and in situations, I can stand up and I can stop these and I act and express.Then I stop self-expression and start self-suppression facing dishonesties and inner reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions instead of realizing I am Here as breath and undefined yet directive.

I started to experience this kind of things but I was not really aware of - then I visited desteni guys, Bernard, the Portal, all the guys at the farm, for a month I lived with them.With this SRA, we started with kinesiology, muscle communication, that one we regularly use for self-support, it is beyond any comprehendable to realize - the whole Universe is talking to me through my arm muscle and it is proving itself time to time continously).In the weekend I realized that I never faced with any course that would so intensely assist to face myself in all ways - how the bricks of my reality built up, how to stop building more 'reality of mind' and how to understand, decompose and release the already built up 'bricks' within my head and how to de-program my weaknesses and transform them to supportive activities through self-forgiveness, self-directive application, self-willed scripting up how to practically stand and walk without going back into suppression and remain as self expression as life...

With the public desteni informations(videos, articles), especially with what they began to share -- one can stand up as self and direct their life in a stable, self-supportive environment......But SRA is specifically starts to assist to understand how the systems work in this world, how the mind works - by using words and events and experiences in a way what can show the starting point of our acts - about who I am and how I became who I am today...And with the same point - I can change myself - I can stop things, I can learn, start new expressions, because this would be the normal, self is directing, self is exploring etc...

To going to the farm - it was obviously new - but for sure I realized already that they can not fake this deep self-support -- in private chats I discussed long long times with the Portal, many beings who already dead and no one would believe that I did chat with Bruce Lee or Hitler - for me I do not care who they were before but what they said....strange...

In a time, about november of 2007, they did Portal video interview, 'tree of life talamon' for instance - to support those who want to change and spoke about how the being experience me - it was really not that 'nice and positive' but exactly saying what I experienced - it was obvious that noone could know that - even from south africa, the things what I only knew when I was a child, and me also forgot but not totally etc...so at that point I was sure that this is real...and I must act myself, no more waiting...

so at the farm, I talked many hours with 'resonances' - the systematic part of me - and explained how I experienced in my childhood - from the beginning and why and how I still am influenced with specific polarities what I did not yet transcend...

But when I met with them - they were so normal people - very directive, very strong, very stable, actually very humorous and supportive people - and the Portal so normally changed beings by a breath to speak, sometimes I did not notice - only by the accent and movements, that it was Veno already and not 'AA'.Very intense to be with them, they, as a group, they realized and shared much between them directly, so that's the point - within a group, one can walk a bit faster the same process by direct assistance - to shorten timeloops for instance - and using already proven practices to stop specific dishonesties...

some could not be with them too much, I heard rumors for a guy some inner shit came up and one for instance went naked and played wacky and played with his own shit - went crazy possessed by delusions - so he left obviously the farm very fast...but some stayed there for years to learn and assist - very cool farm with 14 dogs horses ducks cats etcmany physical work we did there - I like physical work - when I was kid - I always wanted to 'think it over' and find a way to work the least as possible physically, but now I like to be my body, I like to support and enjoy my body, strange - but this is who I am at the moment, so no separation I allow with my body...just like as dance - acid trance parties - I danced and I was tripping, flyingnow I dance I am aware here what is happening, and I direct and move body and enjoy moving breathing without defining, without going after something or going away from anything...without any stuff I can enjoy and next day I wont be dizzy, and what I like more is that I am at the party and I can be with different people - and I am not like ' mushroomhead' for 5 hours no choice - but i can be who I am without using very directive influences

for instance to find something on acid was really hard for me(my phone or keys etc) - so in these moments I was sure that I am not really 100% capable --

or on acid and mdma i wanted to dance so so so strong that it was not my choice - it was really fun in that time, but now I want to be directive - it's strange, it's like I do not crush my ego, I do not explode my ego, I simply slowly expand it until the whole universe can fit within me without me reacting on it - because my reaction separates from the direct experience - so I chose experiencing the universe instead of defining it what it would be...

same as my desire - I desire a part of me what I experience - as you did with that girl --so check out what is that what you are experiencing within her, with her, about her within you etc -- to see what you are separated from -- what is in fact YOU -- so first find yourself - find your location --

the original desteni faq spoke about 'refractions' - when I am refracted, sliced up in space and time - I react to specific places, beings by time to time - and I am not aware of the whole myself all the time -- but these are also me -- and these are also directing a part of me, and when I am not aware of my reality - my refractions - from what I 'feel' separated myself from - is also me - so I must open myself, I embrace, I unify myself in all ways -- every part of fears, desires, wants etc - because when it is here - it can be directed if there is no reaction to it - reaction is the act of separation -- and when I am separated from something - I can not direct it - only control, manipulate but that is not the simplest and the most effective...

--also the guys who I met at the farm, many I knew already from vlogs, blogs through 2-3 years, and some of them I met(Leila,Maite,Gabriel) and after a long time I met with them - they were totally different, stronger, more direct, less waving...

but these methods do not help - it is the self who decide to stand, to birth real totally, breath by breath - and noone else will do it - so I will die like this or I change and I express Life...

so i say desteni is not bullshit, but you check it out, you trust you, or you're lost ;)

the mushroom etc i do not say they are bad, but if youare not directive, the stuff directs you...yes i know, tripping -

i do not want to trip anymore - i want the same in physical - to share, to stabilize, to manifest who i am in my acts, not in my trips -- okay if i am trippin and doing live music show meanwhile that's act - but the stuff is not the solution - for me acid finally was very confusing because for a moment it stopped the mind and i was 'free' of my past and I was innocence and not heavy but after hours, the acid what held back my mind was gone and I was who 'rebooted' my mind, I always wondered about why the trip ends, why not all acid broke through the 'matrix' -- because I was not ready, I was not able to be without definitions, without judgements, without thoughts - I became symbiotic with this energetic mind - what I already experienced - I can be without mind, it is more 'free' - but I was not able without psychedelics - for a while my girl growned cubensis and I ate so freakin lot mumumumumushushushushushrrom as I could - but I started to notice that trip by trip I am becoming a bit limited again and again and again - comparing with the first 'great' trips...because in each trip - when it was over - I felt like my mind found a new point with it had to 'close down' within me - so then with many trips - I did not became powerful, directive - but more likely 1: I was able to see myself and the world like that; 2: when I was to realize that I am powerless and lost and being directed by outside forces, then I always had justification and reason, so it was okay to continue...but after all - trips change, they became less colorful for me from about the point when desteni say they 'shut down heaven' - and my trips became more 'physical', less 'rainbowlighted' - it was not that attractive and I had no more visions/dimensional experiences/voices etc -- the visual was still waving, the sound was still more direct, but it became extremely simple in a way - and always I got this enormous tiredness at the end of my last trips that I felt I die - when I 'rebuilt/rebooted/restarted' my 'normal' human life after the trip - that was more and more heavy and painful 'coming back' to where I am weak and lazy and procrastinative('I will do it later') and I always had excuses to not having what I dream about...

so I had to stop tripping - and start to deal with physical - also I walked a lot on Earth, Asia, Africa, Europe and I saw many painful, zombi-like beggers, poor, weak, ignorant humans and it was really painful, also I worked for a while for government, military, law system - I wanted to face these directly - to realize what is going on - that what I like in Europe as cheap for instance - that is the result of working of 5-6 years old children - with that - I say fuck china market, we must stand up who have for those who do not have because then my realization is really separated and only about me - so I started to check out how the system work, politics, media, banks, mafia, governments, groups direct the whole system with an average earthly abundance - there would be enough place, food for all, but humans are fucked

so the more I am becoming inside stable - the more I want to express that I am changing inside and I want to change outside also, I want to support those who stand up for life...

so then we decided at desteni to share and form a network on internet and share as much as possible about our life, experiences, falls, realizations, because that can assist those who are in that for instance --

also you where are now at the bottom - if you start to share how you stand up from that where you are in at the moment - that will be one more 'self' who stand up by self-decision - and you express - you influence others and you can assist those who are walking the same as you walked before - and by that you are correcting yourself and the other in act and stabilitythats very cool

so you decide and act - very cool you want to change, rebirth - see for yourself - is this really you who want change, who want to be - and if yes, then expresssssssssssssssss

one year ago i met also with a girl who I knew before and then I wanted to be with her - but after a while she did not want it, she likes me very much but she is quite 'deluded' one, yet I feel this attraction towards her - not really strong anymore, but still can pull some strings within me - so it is cool to face her and see - how and why I am automated and play with that - to stop it if I want to stop it - it is the basic - otherwise I am fucked by living in hollywood in my head...

I gave up on her quite soon because she did not open herself, I was really not patient, and now she is opening up - not for being girlfriend, but as a being - and it is more real than just for the energy - but to assist her to realize her truth - as myself - that's cool

use words as bricks of reality - give power to your words by doing what you say and saying what you do - I am the Living Word - so use you already got words to figure out your location - to see from where you start and what is your starting point. if the starting point is not real - you will fall - lol enjoy -- but then it's cool, you tried a starting point, did not work, you chose a more infinitely appliable one and then test it in living...

For me Oneness and Equality is the basic principle in all ways, that sounds very generalized but in application it is always of and as Self Here.

so it is your turn - you got cards, now you turn them to gifts - gifts of your freedom - because if you stand up from this and you choose life and stand -- you are you this time more than before - because nothing from this world helped and valued in that - only you as breath - you birth self from nothing real and stand up -- this is creation of life - enjoyt.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Doing SRA information processing, I had an inner reaction to a bunch of directories what contain directories with files - my inner reaction was it is too big, it is too much to process. I do not accept limitation like that - I stand up and I forgive myself for limiting myself with defining information as too much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define information regarding to it's size.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define information according to previously defined informations.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pull back from processing a specific information because I defined it as big, great, huge, lot - instead of realizing - at one breath I process a specific amount of information - in the next breath I process the next one.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define files within directories within files as a lot information - instead of realizing that the quantity what I am referring to as 'lot' - is based on my self-definition according to quantity.I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define that I am capable of processing only a specific amount of information regarding to my past, regarding to my fears of I might be not able to process this information - instead of realizing - I am here, I express, I breathe without any self-definition. If the information is too big, then I use some methodology to walk through it effectively.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress to writing out by judging myself - simply because I defined it as not good enough, and then instead of correcting myself accordingly and realizing my process location - I compounded energetically therefore my self expression can not flow naturally but of energy what is unacceptable. I stop. I express.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from making mistakes instead of realizing that if I do not make mistakes - I am of unmanifested mistakes what I judge before I could express, I can not learn of it because I never actually did. I stop judging, I stand here as One Vote For Equal Money System, I stand here as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after something what I already realized that is of inner perception of separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my expression and not realizing by judging myself I stop express therefore I am not able to physically correct myself therefore I must stop self judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself by defining I am powerless because I am of the money system, I do not have enough money to support me and others unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I must use math: 1+1=2 - move day by day, moment by moment, realigning myself with the principle as what is best for all, seeing what blocks me to express myself in this and then applying self forgiveness, writing, sharing and stopping and moving on. Simple.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to solve everything in one moment instead of realizing that is of mind - the current system is not in the stage what can be corrected or changed in a single moment therefore if even I try it - I can realize - I am not capable of - and then I must not judge myself according to this act - but realizing that there is a group with I can stand and moment by moment accumulating all within the starting point of Equal Money System we can proceed but then I must stop all desire, all separation, all fear, all definition from within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to money.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my freedom according to money.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move according to money because I defined myself through money.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge money instead of realizing I am judging myself.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame money system instead of realizing that I must take responsibility to stand up for money system and be the change.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for change instead of being the change.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest myself as locked in within the money system as a slave of it.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express myself who I am because I judged myself as I do not have enough money.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself because of the lack of money.I forgive myself to think, believe that if I would have tons of money, I would be 'more free' instead of realizing that no one is free within the current money system, I must push the point of exposure and change as myself.I forgive myself that I procrastinated to express myself according to money because I constantly allowed myself to judge my situation as not having equal money to express properly that I am not satisfied with the current money system.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express equal money system unconditionally because I judged it according to how I judged others and then that judgement was actually projected self judgement.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be my job my god by doing it for basic money income and without my job I am moneyless, without money I defined myself powerless.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as powerless when I do not have enough money to eat, to have a place to sleep etc.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to taking granted what is being given to me here in my country instead of realizing that nothing is being granted, actually always somebody is paying for everything.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge Equal Money System instead of being it, instead of moving it, instead of promoting it, instead of manifesting it.I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that it is enough to pay an amount for support instead of realizing that it is not about the amount, it is about who we are as starting point within the system, as equals.I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to justify and reason why I do not express myself according to how I experience money system.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to fully consider what I am responsible for within the current abusing money system simply by 'wanting to have things' within the current money system.I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear from being exposed as communist because of stating out 'equality' instead of realizing that communism never really worked as equality.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed with the idea that I have to make tons of money to be able to stand up for the current money system.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to earn much more money than what I currently get for my job to be able to become the directive principle -- yet not really manifesting it, always planning, but not really acting.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find excuses to keep my money and then buying things what are not exactly necessary for supporting me within the process.I forgive myself that I have not allowed to realize that within the current money system everything is based on money, sexuality, expression, having a child - are bound to money, so if I have a desire for anything related to money - I am of it, through the money point.I forgive myself that I have not considered that the equal distribution of money could work first only within groups.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate to express my point on Equal Money System by prioritizing this as not urgent instead of realizing that within my reality I must be the change what I want to see, therefore I move, I express.I forgive myself that I have not considered that if one has no money, has no access to health care system, have not access for proper shelter, food, water, what is unacceptable. Each mush get food, basic support within the physical. Until this is not manifested - there is nothing more outstanding issue. Therefore who I am is what I do, what is my starting point, I am Life as Equality - let's manifest it.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to concern about Banks, Current Political, Military Establishment by placing myself as smaller, as less than these systems - it is unacceptable. Rather realizing that the math works here as well: 1+1=2. Agreed Equals stand together and form a group and share and support realizations and promote Equality actually stars HERE.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from temptations regarding to money, corruption instead of realizing who I really am as Life, who and what I stand for and I forgive unconditionally upcoming temptations what are of self-interest, what are my self responsibility as I created these within myself as the reflection of my starting point. I stop. I stand, I breath, I act within the starting point of 'What is best for all?'.

Okay, I've decided to move no matter what - there was some extensive self judgement built up while I was under this medical treatment - there was a suspicious scar on my chest what doctors decided to cut out - still waiting for the final labor result but I never was seamed on my skin before - it was not that cool, but by resting all day I had time to reconsider what I am, what I represent and what I must act.

I start with some money issues what I shared on multiply - actually I must push expressing more on my multiply account -- that one is specifically about and on the money point.

http://talamon.multiply.com/journal/item/132/My_current_money_points

Actually I should repost it here:

Actually I am a bit concerned about how to proceed. My initial point first was to be able to make as much money as I can - to be able to 'have then time by not needing to robot for money as job at workplace - to be able to express myself, to be able to share and support by money, basically to become a directive point by being able to financially stand and be.There is a possibility to remain within the situation of serving corporations for money, the money should be okay(of course not to mention that the current money system supports all the abuse, therefore if I am participating within the current money system - I support child abuse, starvation, destroying nature etc), but then I do not 'feel' comfortable when I see directly how big profit I support the corporation to make.My current job is about building massive websites with people can build, test, process and deploy specific websites for the company very dynamically. With this system, the website building, testing, fixing, deploying process is far more effective, therefore the company can deliver MANY quality websites in short time, by people who are not really technical. Therefore my responsibility point regardless to my salary - is that I support this international corporation to expand more, to aggressively take over the market and increasing the revenue of the company. Of course, I am a bit piece of this machine but I am - therefore my concern initially was to support myself yet I stand for Equality.My first upcoming status was to leave this company and find a new job - but my 'profession' is about programming website functionality(background services mostly), so I have experience in this. Shall I remain within 'programming scene' - or I should find a new area to express and to live on with what I can stand and express my vote for equality - in action, not only in words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become confused about what company I do work for and what I stand for within the system - not realizing that I am part of the system, I must generate money to support myself to be able to live and express.I forgive myself that I have judged the company where I work, instead of realizing that judging anything is of definition, is of self deception, self dishonesty because I do compare, I do use memory to rely on what is of the past, what is not actually HERE.I forgive myself that sometimes I simply want to quit my job because it is not always comfortable to sit all day in an air conditioned office and watching, manipulating program codes, databases, environments all day - instead of purifying my starting point and remain stable and express myself and see my contract as support - I do my job and I am able to stand within AND expressing myself unconditionally as I want change, I want Equal Money, I want to give up all within me what does not support Equal Money because this is what really important within the equation of 'what is best for all?'Because 'MY' happiness and statisfaction I already realized, never will be full until I am experiencing this level of equality being manifested physically: no one is being harmed for profit, noone is being excluded from basic support as food, shelter, water, healthcare because of lack of money.How to do it practically - continously promoting, speaking, bringing up on forums and face those who are being opposed by it - simply because they fear from losing what they already have. Common sense I should use, by explaining that what they have is not really personal, it is a polarity system and how they could enjoy continuous entertainment while many has to suffer for it - by this every good becomes bitter, by directly researching how the current system works, directs - anyone can realize that we must change the value from profit and greed and survival to Support Life.For two months I was obsessed about 'wondering what to do' - instead of seeing what is actually HERE and act immediately within the starting point of what is best for all - and if realizing mistakes, dishonesty - then applying the self forgiveness, self honesty, writing, sharing, blogging, vlogging to stop dishonesties and walk walk breath act walk breath act within the group.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not express myself unconditionally by judging the situation and the thing to be expressed by judging it as not relevant/not great enough/not final instead of realizing the math of 1+1=2 and express myself withhout self judgement .

I forgive myself that I have not realized that by judging and suppressing myself actually I am not here as myself but as of definition with the starting point of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express myself without judgement.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire toexpresz myself instead of realizing that the desire is here as myself as of separation from what I judge and suppress and compound instead of naturally I

express as undefined as simple self trust here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate by fear of judgement, even when it is fear of judgement of others, it is in fact self judgement. I stop. I breathe.

Friday, October 15, 2010

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, define that my thinking is because of tiredness - instead of realizing that my thinking is not directly related with tiredness.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am tired.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think when I do not express - instead of realizing - when I do not express - I think.I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself and manifesting self judgment and thoughts.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define thinking as energy.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to thinking.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

i think of somethingand i think of what i would not like to havebecause i think what i like to have -- then it is an attitude to 'wait for' the one what i would not like - then when it happens - it is already 'suspected' to have this, so no surprise, no disappointment -- but when the one happens what i like to have - (experience) - then i am glad

this is a programthis is not self directioni forgive myself to define what i would like and polarize with the one what i would not like - and then by expecting the one what i would not like - i am a slave of my definitions - expectation - i spectate the situation - from an external point - not as myself -- expectation

I forgive myself that I think of something - instead of acting as awareness breath presence without separation - - the separation what is perceived only when I am in active participation within and as the mind consciousness system.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

writing down all to me writing down that if i let go of discipline and decision - I loose perspective - I become self oriented.writing down that if i let go of principle and dedication - I thinkwriting down that if i let go of breath awareness - I am lost

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to let go of discipline, decision, principle, dedication, breath - is because I think - is because I am lost.

It is unacceptable to accept myself as I am lost, as I am thinking - I stop thinking - I stop being lost - I am here. I breathe through the energetic experience of being lost - I let go - I breath. I remain as presence.

I forgive myself that I accepted myself to define myself as the energetic experience of being lost.I am here - I am here as expression - within and as the physical. No way to be lost here - as long as I am not dead - I can not be lost - as I have a physical location - here. I am all ways here - I am literally 'here'.I must direct my situation - I want to become standalone - financially first - to stand without waving.

So I must leave my job. Regardless of money - I must find a more practical way - to make more income with less time - because the time is with I can not deal - it goes - I walk as time if I walk without being pulled down just because of working for money to be able to then I express myself.I transform already my work and job expression into something without thinking - however - not yet simple breathing presence - it requires discipline and methodology to embrace all situations.

Actually it is very supporting to be in a repetitive place like my workplace is - when I develop inner silence through applied self-will and self-honesty.Because this one I trust - within self honesty - am I silent? No.This is obvious - because I have some reference points regarding to exist within no thinking yet being present - but through the long druggy participation meanwhile - those must be transcended first - to be able to face direct experience - then that one can be realized and transcended as well - it is like an onion - or an additive filter-group - each one filters something out from the reality experience - each a little - but there are many - and therefore one's reality is actually very little - so to speak - what one can experience - so then that must be specific and those points form a personality behind and fed by mind-energy - emotions,feelings,thoughts, depicting memory - all energy - addiction to the energy what moves through my body, like wires what are sucking out my physical power continuously - mind is an abomination. must be stopped.I can not trust a human really who has "moving" mind. Therefore I do not trust myself as well when I am in active thinking for instance - total bullshit. Stop. Breathe. Directly 'see' points and move, act, breath, next.I must add that something already realized - or being realized - or must be realized - writing has to be very natural.Not much - simply directly the situation - no need 'dear diary - I am going through a lot of things' -- divertion -- direct specific words -- for instance - 'I write more - because without it - I am being lost.'Too much happen to be able to write in the 'normal' way - that describing situations and then what happened and I experienced like that -- I must direct myself out from three situations at least:-finish the museum job asap - it should not be more than some weeks - if I push - otherwise it will rot - and this job I do just because of my polishing my CV - so just do it.-find a deadline when to : -resignate from job, from the flat what I rent - last date is march - but the more sooner - the more better...

-send the package somehow to sa

if this three will be done - that would mean - I am ready to move and change and find better job - what motivates me more and gives more flexibility to do my own stuff

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

It is bullshit that love is greater than hate - both are delusion as justification of self abdication - within any mind-definition - nothing is real, it's a make-belief addiction what one must face and understand - to be able to apply the tools to stop it. Unless the constant defining is stopped - the physical can not be explored. Then. Physical body - physical breath. Physical substance.

So it is important to have a physical experience reference to a state of beingness when not defining.Then this reference point can be used within self honesty points regarding to automatic behaviour.Is this the "empty" mind or the noisy mind what is working, directing me?

Reality just is - without any romance - without embracing the whole polarity system in each breath - the mind can not be transcended.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Okay - regarding to desire - relationship - agreement and dishonesties -- I did about a hour vlog - and did extensive emailing in hungarian with several beings - however I was not satistied my expression - it was not direct on the point - and my speakings in the video was not that understandable as I would like so - so I will write about it again and redo vlogs - to compress the shit into one or two vlogs - and writing it down more directly.

So I will start the 'story' about one year ago - first time it will go until last december - then I will continue on forthcoming day.-----It is like closing a period in my life - as I already realized things - but resonantly coming up - so I write more, expose more, I will do mind constructs and self forgiveness and self corrective application - this will be some of occasions - but I will do so anyway - it must be done.

Whats going on on on and on

Recently I was emailing directly with several people, mostly in hungarian - fascinating points came up - mostly about my discipline regarding to desires and focus to remain here as physical.

With my some ex-girlfiends and other people(mostly women) I started to open myself up directly within communication - simply writing about my current process - what I am facing actually - some are giving some perspectives - to see - what reflections I am still participating based on belief, desire, fear or simply not taking self responsibility to stand up for all within my act.For instance - when I speak with specific women - I do not have this obvious desire after sex or very direct physical contact - but several times I was able to see it hiddenly - within words - not because I am symbolically speaking of desires - more likely as I speak about the sexual topic - I saw that some times I expected to respect/response with the same - opening up inner issues of themselves - also about sexual experiences, insights etc - and what I saw that the hope within myself about 'maybe then after we speak about it - then IRL we could do so' - but when I see it directly - not really - it is more likely subconscious - but sometimes comes up to conscious level and then I see it when I am here as breathing - but several times I acted(wrote) withint the starting point of energy - and if I release this expression(send it in email) then it will reflect back...So it happened...Therefore there was some kind of 'temptation' as well - as specific women approached me in specific circumstances with the offering of 'we should sleep together' - but I did not do so...Later on I had the chance to react inside -- I went into inner dishonesty by following desire - and in those moments - I experienced this desire - to use the opportunity - but I was not sure - so I still did not do so - then the opportunity was not here anymore - but I was able to see 'I was not absolutely direct' - still I was a bit of being directed - however there was this sprout of standing absolute by discipline/principle/decision/realization/self-honesty.So I must stabilize and express this decision, discipline, principle, realization, self honesty - by writing about why and how I realized what I must stop - what I must reject, what I must do when temptations come to stand as Life Principle.

It all started with myself opening up to women about in the begining of the summer of 2009 - and first of all - I did not 'script up' situations - I just walked into it - and then I was being intriqued by it and I was directed - not that obviously and utterly as years ago when I fell into absolute delusions regarding to specific women -- but still of dishonesty, still of desire.And in fact - I wanted to form an agreement - and by this 'want' - I did not do so - and also I did not take into consideration the other - the other's process - and see common sensically that that woman suits the placement for this with me to walk as equally as one - the first one trial: simply did not.However it took several months for me to realize how this construct what was moving me - works, operates, moves me and why and what is what I am not experiencing within myself and I feel separated from - what I want to have by that specific woman.When it started to be obvious that she does not get this whole thing and she does not even want to open up for realize it - it was obvious that this wont really work - but I was still busy to make this work - and by wanting to - I became this want - and within becoming this want - I lost my starting point as self as presence - not totally - but within specific situations...For instance when she was kissing me and hugging - I simply forgot things lol...So after a while - sexual desire also arised and when that was not to happen - I started to physically experience this system directly. It was strong and really rude experience - the pain was about once in two weeks - for a half a hour - almost unbearable - this area of myself(down there from genital/ass coming up by the center of my trunk) - was in a some kind of energetic burn experience. To describe this experience - the tip of this was my asshole and tip of my penis - and from this points - these really felt like one point - and from those two - experiencing arising energy flames upwards - and these energy flames - somehow I felt these as empty/black/energetic information systems moving up slowly but very strong - and pain was so strong that in it's peek(the strongest part was always for 5-15 minutes) I was nothing more but presence, pain, breath. Literally.

In these moments - there nothing left - but breathing and remaining here - I've tried distractions - even once or twice masturbation to 'release' the energetic compound - but did not really help - it was like this experience always waited for me so to speak - and when I was here as presence - it intensified and came full blown and then after 'purely' breathing through - it was gone - very fascinating experience - this was about for a year - suppressed sexual desire -- after being with this one specific woman while she 'allowed to do things' but not 'actual sex' - so I was aroused and after some rejections - or watching sexual video without masturbating to orgasm -- this came up -- sometimes at work - when I had to deal with it - to go somewhere to be alone and then breath through it...After a while of course - I realized that this is very serious - and I remembered once we had chat with Bernard when he said it sounds like an infection - but I was like - it is obviously of suppressed compounded sexual desire - what is of mind-based - and maybe it manifested synptoms are of infection - but the core is of sexual disorder...

This event occured totally about 15-20 times - but about 5-6 were really seriously - absolutely - intense to the outmost degree.I realized that I must change - and by the decision to change - I did not change automatically.I had to investigate specifically how I participate within this - so then I started to stop participate within sexual desire.First of all - by stopping the reaction to women on street - by stopping watching them as 'sexual objects' - as I remember - I did not watched them always like this -- only since I am working at this office and being with this people and 'sitting in' into this lifestyle of working at office, being alone, sometimes watching sex movies and wanting to have sexual intercourse with women but not doing so in physical.

In a way - I was aware of this dishonesty - so I was aware of one day I will stop - same as with smoking weed - I always was aware of that this is temporally - but at the moment it is here...But then I realized - I can't wait for it's end - if actually it is me - I have to stop myself to stop it. So I did 21 days stopping - I did masturbation - sometimes not using pictures, sometimes yes - it was very fuzzy - yet - when I did without pictures - still some 'small' reactions came up - but yet - then after - I was not ashamed - or felt discharged, and I did not feel that this I must keep in secret as it was 'natural'.So somehow this started to change...However when I was with this girl - things came faster that I could handle - so sometimes I lost my floor - and became energy waves..up and down...

So I wrote more about it and I wrote about sexual intents and what is my desire and how I define it and I wrote self forgiveness...It started to change - I was able to extensively reduce my inner reactions towards women on street/eating place/office - and I kept pushing myself because I saw that I can stop - as I formed this to became - I can stop it on the same way - directly doing it - the stopping of it - daily - moment by moment...So then with this girl - who I proposed to make agreement on sexual based physical support for each other by standing within self honesty and openness - she did not wanted it - and it came to the surface that she 'plays' with an other guy also - as I realized - she did not wanted me simply as a 'friend' but not that much as we would do 'intimate' thingies...So then I approached her when she evaded me regardless of we agreed in a specific meet - and then asked directly and explained one more - that I can stand with her unconditionally if she moves self honestly and opens herself up - but then when I was pushing her to express directly - she told me that she did not want to meet with me because she did kisses with an other guy - so then she was ashamed of herself and she did not wanted to face with me.So then I told her that it is over - and she asked me to be friends and I told her that friends are fiends - then I left her and deleted her phone number in my phone to be sure - I do not go back.

It was my decision - to clearly step out from this -- and it was also an experiment from the beginning - that I will not manipulate her, I will not make her being attracted to me and I will not reason her to do so - without mind games I wanted her to act - because in my past - I did these to 'get' women - and I do not do so anymore - because is of dishonesty -- so then she did not wanted this - and I experienced a bit mess within me and I started to burn inside so to speak - or more likely - I started to burn myself with this by reactions -- So I stepped out and started to stop and write and open and forgive things what came up...It was intense - but about 1000 times less than I experienced when I was before - so it was not that huge, world destroying mindpain - it was simply unpleasant - what? my mind of course - but I experienced it as I can handle and walk through it...In fact - I wanted this - to face and make apparent mistakes to see what I already accepted and manifested...So I got this...Then after one-two months - doing another 21 days dare - I met with an other woman - I found her interesting - she was not that 'bitchy' woman-like as usual women who I liked before - so the 'danger'/'desire' polarity did not rang up within me - and I did not experienced body-sensual-desire - as she was not the usual 'my type' - and I liked this - because I did not went immediately into desire - more likely it was a curiosity so I approached her to a speaking walk with her - without inner movement - simply just breath walk speak -- and it was fascinating - however I experienced something 'wrong' with her from the perspective of experiencing her 'wounded' in that time...After speaking for hours in a some kind of 'meetings of friends, some were smoked and speaking wisely and spiritually but of nonsense' - I enjoyed her not being involved within this wise-pretending bullshit - but anyway I was like - whatever - it was fascinating...After months - she approached me about wanting to communicate with me - and then emailing, and then she came to me and spoke 7 hours and then she left.Next week she came and wanted to get massage at one point and then we ended up in sexual things - not much I had desire for it - of course I had some sort of - but in physical - did not mean anything but distraction - so I breathed through the mind-bullshit and we enjoyed each other...So then I told her - I am not for romantic moments - more likely self honest agreement where we directly communciate and support each other and starting to build something together - and she liked the idea but I was aware of she have no idea...She told me that she had intense self-abuse by alcohol recently - and she stopped it completely and she is ready to let go that and actually face - so it was quite reasonable - and we started to meet, speak and do sex...Okay I will continue next time...

Friday, August 20, 2010

It is imperative to not recreate the relationships - or even it's deception again -- I am specific - I stand I breath, I apply, I move, I change.

So I am going into well-described, communicated agreement only - otherwise I stand alone.

I do not compromise myself - in fact there is a girl who invited me to see that if we could form a sexual relationship based on honesty -- it is obvious that she has no idea about self honesty - as the last relationship was also like this -- K. did not know anything about self honesty and self foriveness - I trust myself in the moment - and I do not trust anyone else but myself here - and direct - assist, and move. Simple. Not defining but stating out that I am not willing to support self dishonesty - within other and within myself - same -- no more.

When I was shaving my head - I was not aware of I was not here for long moments - I was of imagining - and after a while - I realized my hands and feet were shaking. Of course, the water was cold already, but that is not the reason -- somehow the system came into surface what makes me fear of death.Fascinating - facing unknown - facing death -- when I as the system can not comprehend but I am facing through - this comes up and I am wondering about unreal things.Bringing myself here - Presence, Push breath and express and explore what means to stand here as physical stability.Yes - this is it - I am typing directly as myself as the computer and as I am breathing and I am saying the words - I stand - no separation I do allow by reacting, judging or even being unsure about what I am doing. This is who I am - I am Here.Yes and then things happen and I am facing with resistance - no matter what - I push - I am this all - I am the resistance - I embrace, I understand, I am becoming aware of what I face - and then I move it as myself - no separation - no reason - no goal. Simply I am movement.

So this is at the moment where I share some points what I was experiencing recently.So I was writing about how I experienced women recently - especially my partner, K. - At the middle of the week she wrote an email to me about - I must translate the whole letter as it is specific: I noticed that she is avoiding me, and it was apparently because she had inner conflict and self judgement, self hatred issues, and I pushed the point and offered her points to being stable and support directly - if she moves and changes in real by applying the tools...she said, yes, but never did really - so at the festival as she approached, I was seriously crystalcrisp about I am standing with her or without - but I do not allow her to remain in fucked up - and she was smoked - and I told her - enjoy yourself - and I left her -- after that she did not find me -- and after almost two weeks, I was working at the office, when she wrote this letter:

dear tala, well I disappeared, as you noticed...at ozora I fell in love and the outside world disappeared...since days i am trying to come back, not really I can...this is it, honestly, myself I am surprised about life...I do not know how to handle a situation like this, but I think that the honesty is the only way...I need a bit more time to wake up, after that I will visit you...to make love and to engage into intimate relationship I can not do anything else, only with my lover...this is strange for myself as well, but this is it...but anyway, write about what is going with you, because I am interested(but if you dont want, I do not force it)I hug you, k.

Well, that made me react lolol...Since december we regularly met and I was like - okay I do not compromise myself, I build agreement here - but she did not - it is proven here...I was angry - and in fact angry to myself that I trusted her and I did not realize that she was not really moving but as I wanted her to move - she could act like that - and also within my hope - I saw her 'moving' - but in fact - if she can write a letter with such content of 'love, and I can not come back to reality' - I consider her as robotic as all the other human systems lolol.

So with this anger I was content for a while but then I started to apply self forgiveness - and in a hour the 'body' energetic compound disappeared - but within my head - sometimes came up -- and it was like re-reading the message to see that any reaction comes up - and in fact sometimes did -- surprise - yes - disappointment - not really - but it was cool because I am becoming more specific - not waving about the past but look what is actually here.So that was about - after one day - I write loong letter to Marlen and it was cool - to write down all things and see that am I blaming? am I projecting? or I am expressing myself here?So it was cool - and the whole thing started to manifest when I stared to focus onto the relationship to make it an agreement - in fact we agreed on some things - but it was not specific and not was of principle as oneness and equality...But I accepted it - as I always existed in unequal relationships - so I make it happen by transition - it was phase two.First phase was when I approached Gy who I knew long before and kind of liked her presence as she could express in a quite of innocence - but in other way she is well stubborn and suppressing - so I approached her and offered my unconditional assistance if we would form an agreement - of course with sex - but she evaded that - and this was the first attempt to approach a girl - without playing nice, without manipulation, without 'selling myself' - without using her dishonesty to make her move as I would do so -- and it did not work - it was fallen and even our 'contact' as relationship as some kind of 'friendship' fallen - for long months...

After that I said her that this does not work - and deleted Gy's number - simply showing my decision to her and to myself as well - that I do not take shit, i rather walk and die alone then I would accept bullshit...

So after that K came - and she somehow was attracted to me - I never really understood women why would do so lolol but it was okay -- I did not judge her as 'my type' - and that is what I liked - however she had a kind of expression what made me curious about how this being works?And then she approached and asked for speak and then asked for massage and then for erotic massage - this was the third time we met and then we made meetings regularly - I stated out that I would not want romantic moments, rather direct self support based on self honesty and direct communication and she liked it and then the more we came 'together' in a way - I could express myself - and she even did that she told me several times when I was too much of 'speaking of information' to shut up - and also I did this to her - so it was the beginning...then by months - I was able to face the fact that my sexual desires are of delusion, are of mind - based on participation with porn and extensive sexual suppressions through my 'dark ages' when I was in drugs and spiritual agenda...So I told to her that I am going to stop all of these but I would require more sex - more than weekly or twice in a month - and she agreed, but it never happened except two or three times...So I had this focus on her and it clearly started to transform into discipline - but as my discipline and stability manifested - I started to push her more and more - and she fell - and I started to expect things from her - what she did not like - for instance to not drink alcohol - as she has serious issues to not being able to stop drinking and drinking alone and judging and hating herself...so it all came into surface when she evaded me and I was being tested that am I jealous? and after all it was gone - it came into the light that she was all alone and not wanting to face me because she was 'bitchy' - and I dared her to face me and allow me to come and intervene - but in fact - she was indeed - avoiding, evading, yes a bit bitchy - so then I was pushing her more - claiming her to write list and build self trust and she told me that she did - but anyway she told me that her previous relationship what lasted for 12 years - is still haunting her and she requires that guy's expression and she needs a bit of time and blah blah blah and then I told her that - "well, I am then dealing my sexual suppressed desire alone, but I let her be and then we will see - so since about 25 days I am doing this no orgasm experiment - in fact about 20 days before we did sex but no orgasm - but anyway since then I am disciplining myself to live without orgasm - and running after situations when I could have orgasm.It assists me - but in times I still want to masturbate and even I watched sex movies - but then I stopped and I was exploring how it is triggered and how I am going to stop this for ever.I am mailing with several women - and in fact some of them is almost 'asking' for sex - and I am going to face them but I told them that no promise, I am not going to being driven my dick - so no expectactions...

But it is fascinating to see that as I have no 'self-defined' partner anymore - the past just comes back directly - what I never transcended - for instance the desire for having sex - and in fact this is almost undefined - as in a way - I could define 'preferable' sexual experiences what my desires are about - but those would be obviously situations what in real life I am not interested....For instance I visited sex club - swinger - when I was with people who do fuck with strangers as others speak - and I had no intent to participate with my dick - so when I had the chance to participate in orgy - I had the opportunity - but I asked myself? Is this what I really want? And the answer was directly no. So then that one was exposed - full of mind - not real - so I must go - as soon as possible - directly, in one breath.

And it is fascinating to speak with women - without actually being horny or aroused or even see them as 'sex object' - yes it sounds quite strange, but most of the men has this within teir mind - and when I do not participate - then I can experience the being - and the issues of her - and I can assist - without concerning about 'loosing my hope to have something sexual with her' - as in fact I never intended to.

Yet with the girl called Gy - we met again and I compromised myself in a way - as I was on the ground with her and I put my hand under her panties and grabbed her ass for a while and she had nothing to against it - and it was fascinating to see that I am still attracted to her body - what I allowed - and then we slept together in a tent within different sleeping bags - without anything sexual - as I had no intent to push this point with her anymore and also she told me that she has her boyfriend who would be in pain if he would know that she does sexual things with other boys - that was reasonable. However I still experience that she sometimes even require this kind of attention from me - what is maybe a justification from myself to myself to not stop sexually approach her - but what is already a progress - that I had no big 'flyaways' - I was able to breath through when I could disregard the fact that better to remain here than being opposed by being rejected lol...

So that it is - I did not answer to K. anything else except 'no comment' -- and Gy left the country for weeks - so I am here to stabilize myself and in time I will face both - - the specificity and direct standing - and not driven by desire but as principle.

What is important - as I have a bit more 'time' because I do not spend with K. - that I can push more the SRA training - the mindconstruct and the basic components - and the self forgiveness - and then moving on to introduce daily the mind-charts usage - and face with resonances...

Sunday, August 8, 2010

In the last letter - I was a bit of ranting and raving - many shitcame up as what was dishonest -In that of 'I trusted in that she wont allow me to go to the point ofsex' - that is obviously mindfuck because I do not trust myself here -rather in something what is outside of me -- that's a really greatself-compromise - and that fact that I was tired and a bit exhaustedfrom the festival and the weather - can not justify what and how I didand how I see...

Also that when I was realizing that I still being attracted to her -why I did not stop totally? So I see that I still wanted to get energyregardless to the decision - and also I did not want to be so directthat she would define it rude or rough - because sometimes I do so -speaking like Bernard for instance - straight to the point -- and Iwas of mindfuck because I wanted to sleep in her tent instead of beingwet by rain - it was comfortable and I could be with her - also shewanted this and she wanted me to be around her obviously and I 'fell'into that...

Also she mentioned that she has some kind of boyfriend - they do notdeclared that they are together - but she wants sex with him only -okay she told me also not 100%, but more likely.So I see that I was dishonest in that because I wanted her regardlessof the facts that she is with somebody who is not there at the moment- but I compromised myself because I justified that with 'she wants mygestures anyway' - because she says that she wants us to be 'friends'but sometimes asks me to lie on her from back on the ground or fondlesme or gives a tiny kiss - obviously she likes me but somehow somethingis blocked within her and she does not want to step through that doorwhen she would 'lose' the control within this situation - so this ishow I see at the moment - she enjoys my attraction and she wants itdirected - and not allowing much but sometimes giving some to keep upthe energy going...And as long I participate even with a slightest action - instead ofdirectly speaking up and not going anywhere but remaining HERE - I amnot here as myself but as of personality, energized and directed bydesire what is in fact self dishonesty because I want something toexperience what I perceive as separated...

So this is quite direct, how I lose my stability within the desire -as in fact I don't want to meet her so much - and then when sheapproaches - I say 'yes, cool, I can face her' - and then I seepoints, yes - but in fact many times for several moments - I movewithin the act of desire - then I 'wake up' so to speak - and then Iface myself - because sometimes even I have the tendency to 'becomingcold serious' - to try to 'protect' myself from my desire - but thenit is obviously a polarity overbalancing - instead of remain here asbreath.

So it is strange enough to see that I am still facing the same pointof simply sexual desire regardless of the persons - and it is not anexcuse that with my partner it did not work as I wanted - because Istill allowed to compound sexual energy what made me move simplytowards an another woman - instead of not accepting myself asenergetic mind - but to stop and stop and stop and forgive and stop.So this two letters I will blog out - it is obviously should be out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want tofulfill my desires with woman - instead of realizing that I am here -and all of my desires comes from the starting point ofself-separation, therefore I wont be fulfilled by following anydesire.I forgive myself that i went into the energetic playout of personalitymanifestation by allowing myself to being attracted to any woman evenfor a moment - because when I do so - I am not here as breath - but Iam within the energetic mind - what is conditional, preprogrammed andlimited and in fact not real, it is not who I really am - therefore Irealize - all of desires - is not of life. Desire wants me to go there- but I can be only here.

I forgive myself that I placed trust into G. act about to beingstopped within my act of sexual desire - instead of me myself here Istop, I direct, I breathe - because as I place my starting point astrust into something outside of myself - I am not trusting myself hereunconditionally.

I was actually in a goa festival for some days - it was very intense -and many times simply experiencing nature as storm and rain and mud asI had no proper tent by random accidents - so I was busy with avoidingrain and facing my accepted reality with women -- also I was at somecool music, I enjoy to dance - but the festival I saw in a verydifferent eye than before -- last summer I was also there, but then Iwas busy with one girl, G. and also I did not consider how moneystructures and directs reality -- so at this time this is very muchhappened - I will write in blog about how I stopped smilingunconditionally lol especially when somebody smiles at me --especially2 when women does that -- also how I saw through the prettywomen lol - as there were thousands - all pretty, nice colorfulclothes, sexy bodyparts shown up all over - but their movement, theirhand-finger movement, their facial expression, their eye, their voice- exposed all personality - lolol I had to laugh that much that nextday I deliberatedly did "no smile but serious face" practice becausemy face muscles got tired from laughing - at people - as at myself ashow I was deluded before - by the "philosophy of goa and ambient andpeace and love and freedom bullshit" and also by the beautiful uniquecool nice and attractive women -- all of these I saw through rigidlyso I was able to see what is behind it and how deeply people arefucked in all ways - in this festival many dealers are selling acidand smoke and mdma crystal and speed and all other shit - and ofcourse alcohol - in roads - people were standing in the center of theroad with a written sign of "ACID | MDMA" table - by advertising thatat them anyone can buy - there were many lolol - I was also withpeople who took stuffs...lol..

also about my partner, K. - we did not communicate much beforethe festival, but that was obvious that she does not want to standdirectly and seriously - even when she was very unstable - I offeredmy stability and she did not want that, rather to use alcohol andsmoke to fly around and to get some gestures from her previousrelationship, so I wrote her some very direct emails and she likedthat style but I explained to her that I am not this type of being thebossy explainer soldier like person who shares wisdom and hard lashesby words towards her - simply I did this as she wanted this - but I amnothing of personality in real - and the more she wanted this - themore I could walk through this and the less remains...lol so I waslike, then okay, she should say - no, Tala, no need serious changesupport as self honesty - simply I want to have sex sometimes andwatch some movie together -- because I stopped all mind tentaclestowards another women as I saw the opportunity to form something more"real" with her - but the pressure was obviously too much to her - sheevaded lol - she has cyclic waves within her "mood" and she likes tovisit me when she is in that mood when all is good - but then she goesdown and then she practices solitude, self hatred and self pity anddrinks alcohol until it is obviously a possession and she goes down inenergy shit and then she wants to go up and then she uses methods toget energy back and then when all is fine - she plays and enjoys andthen all restarts - stupid judgements emotions loops makes her energygo down -lololI noticed this already and made my notes how to realize and open andexpose these as mind and how to stop but she did not want my way...

so I pushed her more and more until many exposed - I expectedsomething from her - in fact many things - as I was like I want tobuild trust with her - but she does not like the idea of I expectthings from her - especially constancy and stability - because shecant stand that - so I offered her stability by meeting more often -and have sex more often - she liked the idea but did not want in"practice" - so we went to the festival but separated - and we met butI was seriously "hard" with her and I was just going to sleep and shewas very smoked in that moment and she was happy to see me but I didnot - so I told her "enjoy yourself" and left her directly - a bit itwas intense but I did not fly away, but walked walked walked - I wasnot in quiet peace somehow - but I did not 'feel' bad - I had to dothis to stand within myself - and to show her that I stand - no matterwhat - regardless of personal(ity) stuff and even of desire - as I hadmuch of sexual desire at that moment towards her but to stand I wantedmore than start to play with her

so I declare this as the end of the second attempt(the first was withan other girl, G, it was total catastrophe last year) to forman agreement

it is very obvious that I expect very much from a girl - what noonecan or even want to stand with around me - so I am alone - the sexualdesire was very high, what is obviously of my dishonesty in the moment- but as i danced - I moved though that so at the moment I do not needthe urge to have sex...

so with this girl I stand within the principle - and if she willapproach me - I stand as principle - agreement in real or I stand allalone

-- so this was also in the festival -and then I got sms from the G. girl, who I wrote before, whowith last year I was with at this festival, and who I was about tooffer her to an agreement but she utterly refused me and my approachto have "intense physical contact" lolthat brought much up from me and I did not accept her delusion abouther spiritual practice and tibetian BS. so I stopped to meet her butsometimes she seeks after me and then I can work with my past and tosee - still I have desire for her?

So at the festival she approached me, we met and we were together forabout a day - it was fascinating - sometimes I also had desire as Inoticed that I gave a kiss and fondled her tits and her pussy lol whenwe did bath together but that was only moments - and I noticed -something already changed - this and after these - I did not formenergetic compound within me - it was like at the first time I waswith her and when I noticed attraction - I breathed through or selfforgiveness i applied - it was cool - also I see a dishonesty as Iwrite this - as I was sure that she would not allow to go within thistouch games to the point of sex - so I was sure that I can play withthe situation - I could trust in that - she would not allow sex - andI was able to express - not expecting, simply touching and speaking -without sharing knowledge - but I am sure that if she would want sex -I could not stop...So it was intense realization that i still hold onto her a bit -- butnot that strong like last year when I had almost total system takeover- I could stop system forming at this time...i did not want to sleep with her - but my tent was destroyed by thestorm and it was practical so I accepted her invitation.Also I had to help on stage in sunday morning - and she enjoys to bewith me but not when I speak of starting point and realizations - andnot when I want direct physical contact more than playing and hugging- so sometimes we totally disagreed - but I was like - I embrace her -I did not want to be rude - so we slept nothing special happened,except I fondled her tits again lolso after the concert - my another buddy is making coolambient - intense professional chill music - and I helped him on stage- then I decided to come home - it was enough - the girl asked me tostay with her, but I told her, it is enough - I go home, I rather dothings back there - and also I got utterly burned under sun, my faceskin is already being replaced by a new one....

also in one point with this girl - she was very bitchy simply becauseshe was hungry - lolol I laughed so much on her when she was playingthe mjaou mjaou cat cry and making like a stubborn 3 years girl - sheobviously wanted me to react with 'okay, I help you, I want to serveyou' - so I was waiting for her energy to go down - patience oh somuch patience is required for humans lol - then I asked her - 'okay,now can you say what you want directly at least?' - as before Iattempted to ask her but she even did not like my words or tough - Iwas completely locked out from her reality and she was sitting andlying on the floor and playing painful - so after all she was able tocommunicate about what is the situation and then got food for her -but it was like - "I am so glad that she is not my girlfriend" -nothing of beauty and coolness can overbalance this lack of realityfor almost an hour simply because she get really unbearable andhysteric when she does not have food - and I told her - you see - 1/3of humanity always experiences this, you know...

so it was cool to not let her alone in this - I considered that too -but I realized - what the fuck I wanted from her except sex and herpresence of beauty? lolol

so it is all cool - two intense woman-facing experience passed and Irather stand as principle and alone - if noone wants to stand as realagreement -- than I compromise my self honesty

maybe my sexual desire within the city will grow again and then I willattempt to have sex with other women - but I continue to expose andstop my dishonesty by moment and moment

ooooooooooooooooh so that was about the festival - I did some vlogsalready before going to the festival but I could not render and uploadso tomorrow I will - more on money and one vote -- it is not thatperfect as I scripted up but the message I stand with

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

At the moment we must expand to become such a directive principle within the current system without any judgement, definition, inner movement or any energetic separation - to embrace, infiltrate, emerge, amalgamate and unify everything of the system within and as ourselves without separation to be able to direct it as ourselves within the starting point of Oneness and Equality as All as One as Equal as Life.In fact this is a real test of our practical understanding of who we really are within and as the physical and to act within the principle of what is best for all. The more I write about this - the more I see that my accepted personality is in the way - so it must be stopped, released, forgiven and transcended absolutely, constantly in order to become effective as who I really am as Creation.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

What I've been doing since I was writing here - I was working and I was spending time with my partner - who goes through intense self facing recently and it is fascinating to see how I stand within this - as she had issues as intense self judgement and self abuse and even destruction with alcohol and separating herself from reality at home and storming inside and hating herself -- in fact she does not doing this - but did in past - and sometimes it comes back - in these moments she evades me - simply does not want me to see and experience her like this - but it is obviously not a solution - I told her face me with yourself not with pretending - and I told her that if we do agreement - we can trust each other more than possible - but I experienced a bit of evading about it - okay she was traveling and she was in jogacamp and art camp and things like that - as she is teacher in the year and can not go away really - only in summer, so she does - but yet I was aware of she was avoiding me.So I told her, and also I shared some stories about what happened with me regarding to other girls - as Gy was who I wanted to be but then I realized she is still worshipping with spiritual buddhism, and she was utterly robotic sometimes and also refused my physical 'closeness' - so I finally wrote an email to her to simply stand by principle as self honesty or fuck off - then she took back from seeking after me...so when I shared this with my partner - I wanted to let her know that I kind of 'like' her expression but I do not wave toward her personally, if she is not moving as self as facing as stopping addictions - then I wont suppor her - so it was tough...Also I stopped sexual fantasies and desires for unrealistic sexual experiences such as orgies and having intense sexual meetings - but by stopping that - I noticed that I wanted to have more sex with her - what I defined as cool, because I was like - this is step one - to focusing all this to physical level - but when she evaded me - even a bit jeaolousy came up as maybe she is not meeting with me because she is having sex with other lololBut in fact she did not - she was inside her head and she was 'down' within the energy game. So then I told her to meet - and she wanted to refuse first, but I told her, 'I dare you to face me' so we met and she was a bit indeed bitchy but we could push through and spoke about it -- she agreed to write more and 'make list' and doing things and making them 'checked out' - to build self will, self-direction, self-trust.As she told - she was doing fine - and three days later I visited her and she was again a bit bitchy - 'turned in' a bit, she had pain in stomach, she told me she is tired, wants to sleep, but she couldnt - simply wanted to deny my presence and I did not accept this - we even did sex - what was quite effective, but in a moment she faded away from @HERE@ and then she stopped and it was obvious that something came up but she did not want to share - I was like wtf, and then I was like her for a moment - she was like 'I dont care, let me be' blah blah and then I was like this for a moment -- and it was fascinating to see - is this me or her - and I was like - okay it's gone - so it is interesting to see - but maybe it was her within me - or something came up from 'past of me' - but in fact if something from past of me comes HERE - then it is not the past lol.

So then we spoke more then she told me she has pain, tired, she must rest - then I was like, okay -- at night I do not sleep much - I was busy with recording the moon and clouds and things like that and then we spoke more and then I told her, I go sleep - then in the morning after a big hug I left - After two days she wrote to me that she realized that she is very grotesque as she went too far and she decided to STOP and change real - and then she called me and then I wrote her some emails, sent some already translated stuff such as Joao and Joana self forgiveness physical system transcendance asissistance with Mykey and the Solution that I am here - these I translated one or two years ago and assisted me much...Also I am going to this goa festival on tuesday - I will help a guy on stage packing and he will use my laptop - ambient music - and then I will dance for Psykovsky - what I like - intense, direct russian trance music...In the last several tranceparties - much self expression things I realized - and I am going to share this points -- regarding to how to transform trance dance from druggy mind experience into physical self expression as I am here.

Also fascinating to see how I stand with this - and I did not want to go into Gy-s tent as she told me that I should sleep with her again - but I did not want - as we would disagree with starting point and also I did not like the idea to sleep with her because she refused me when I wanted to have sex with her -- lol exposing truth.My partner also told me that she would attend - but she prefers to sleep within her tent - to be able to have guests by her own - what I did not like as an idea - and I told her that I should prefer ONE woman but that one absolutely to walk as principle - but at this moment I walk with her - why do not let her 'be'? As I am aware of the 'agreement terms (and conditions lolol)' are compromised - as she is not even aware of all of the tools how to stand and forgive -- self forgiveness we discussed but she did not try - she uses the phrase that 'simply just words wont solve this' and 'this is not my style, I am not of (wo)mann of words, I express different, with dance etc)' - and I explained her how I experience this and how words are the building-blocks of all realiity and in one point she got it...So within the limited time (about 3-4months) I will be here - I decided to stand by her - to assist her and me within stability - and I am aware of the increasing pressure that I push to her about what I do not accept ---- within past when I started process - I simply stated out ' you are all robots, this is the matrix, stand by me or die' - and simply it was stupid...

I am also aware of that I am with her because of the sexual thing - she is quite effective within sexual expressions and we can enjoy - and she is one of the some who do not seek after orgasm - many women I spoke recently and they almost all did not like the idea of having sex but not having orgasm - as this is not the point I would engage - simp0ly of the physical expression and if orgasm is coming, then it is okay, but if actually I stand within the stable physical expression without participation in energy - then orgasm is not required, it comes only if we decide so... so the whole point was when we started to meet to assist each other - not only within sex but all ways - so we will see -- also I am aware of that I have the tendency to 'get out' by saying 'I dont like this - it's fucked' -- instead of communicating, common sense, assist and first stand with and as the other -- so at this moment I stand - and if I realize that I accept compromise - then I stand up from it and we will see that our little 'agreement and support' will last...

It assisted me very much to be physical here - by standing and expressing physically - but the more I push, the more shit comes up from inside - so I push until I breath.

I also started to script up I vote for Equal money system video - I wrote something, I wrote a part of it on paper, I did a video when I read it up to camera - but I will 'practice a bit more' before I finally record to video - I am directing myself.

Also I did not cut my hair in the week - I was busy and I was about to 'after the week' - and today I had a thought - maybe on the next week - then I walked out to eat something and then I did it -- any resistance in this point next time - I will write about it, it is very specific.

I am here to speak about Equal Money System. I stand for man within unification. Those who are self honest to understand the core of the problem - will hear the message - we must change the starting point of our system - what we agree as value of something worthy for living - what is best for all within a global view - not only seeing individual personal self interest, not only seeing on cultural programmed defense mechanisms but actually on the physical level as all individual being equally as one as life. It is unacceptable that those who have the opportunity - simply by having money to buy it - do not act to actually stand up for those who do not have such access for the basic necessaries for life such as food, shelter, REAL education based on common sense, within the starting point of self expression as moment as presence - not as the current system as of programmed consciousness system within the starting point of separation, fear, power, greed and profit.It is not enough to mesmerize ourselves about wishes, prayers, positive thinking, blame as excuse from actually standing up within the act of finding practical solutions for stand up within and as the system and change it from inside out.

Understand that when one is not unconditionally giving up personal values and occupations for the act of unification within the equalization of physical power among human beings - then that one can not be trusted as it's starting point is of systems - is of self interest is of separation is of accepting indirect abuse within the active conscious understanding that the lack of act is in fact the act of evil - because with the power that one is possessing - simply maintaining and participating within such a system what allows millions of children work like slaves, hundreds of millions of people starve and die within agony day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Hundreds of thousands of people who are soldiers of war - are living in the brink of death day by day facing the hell of humanity, the hell of earth, the systematic and conscious, demonic and evil destruction of nature by not else than humans who do not realize that they lost themselves absolutely within the system - humans are fighting for their country, for their family, for their money, for their peace, for their life - and in fact everyone is fighting within the starting point of fear.

Therefore I am busy disassembling my fear-based personality system by the applying self forgiveness and self honesty, writing and sharing of building blocks of my mind consciousness system personality manifestation what is in fact in the way of being effective and expressing my starting point as Life - what is best for me? It is what is best for all.

Therefore I stand for Equal money system, I vote for Equal money system, I vote for world equality, within and as the physical location as called Talamon Jozsef Berta within and as my human physical body because I want change, I want equal rights for all unconditionally.I am aware of this sounds idealistic, but in fact I rather do it 100% before I judge it, I rather explore the consideration of Equal Money System - instead of judging it - because if one is accepting & protecting the current money system - can not be called as life - because it is simply not.

Therefore until it's done, until it's manifested - until this body is breathing - this vote won't be changed - I live as this principle, I do not change within this starting point anymore - because this is who I am and this is what I stand for - the Life as All As One As Equal - as the Unification of Man as I am here On earth, within and as the Physical as existence.

Stand with me as me as Life or Die as the system utterly - there is no middleground in this - we are what we act, what we stand for - equal as one - within and as oneness and equality all ways Here.