Friday, April 4, 2014

The Statistician: A One Minute Play

The Statistician

I've been asked to write a one-minute play for an upcoming short play contest. The topic was pretty general--whatever happened to be on my mind and in the air at the time I was writing. It didn't come til the last minute, but here it is. I have to say that I'm pretty proud of it because it does exactly what I want it to do.(Three people: a boy, a housewife, and a soldier, sit on three chairs, with a fourth one empty. A person with a clipboard stands in front of them.) THE STATISTICIAN (indicating the empty seat) Sorry about that. Unpleasant. Now. Who's next? THE BOY I think I am. THE STATISTICIAN All right. And where are you? THE BOY At school. Fifth period algebra. (The Statistician makes a note) THE STATISTICIAN (friendly but clinical) And how's that? THE BOY Boring. I'm daydreaming.(He nods and turns to:) THE STATISTICIAN And you? HOUSEWIFE At the mall with a friend. It's a spa day and we're starting with our nails. THE STATISTICIAN Your children? HOUSEWIFE Neighbor's got them for the day, thank god. About ready to kill Jenny. She just won't stop picking on.... THE STATISTICIAN Yes, yes. I see. It's not really relevant. HOUSEWIFE No? THE STATISTICIAN They're not with you. That's the important part. HOUSEWIFE Oh. THE STATISTICIAN (turning to the soldier) And you? THE SOLDIER Just leaving my shift at the base. Nothing up. THE STATISTICIAN Nothing? THE SOLDIER (thinks) Nope. Not so much as a kid with firecrackers.(The statistician makes another note.) THE BOY Excuse me? THE STATISTICIAN Yes? THE BOY What's the point of this? THE STATISTICIAN It's our sacred duty. HOUSEWIFE Sacred? How could it be.... THE STATISTICIAN It's in the Constitution. THE SOLDIER That's sacred. THE STATISTICIAN I'm glad you agree. Because I'm afraid... (he checks the list again) It's your turn. (The statistician pulls a gun out from his or her coat and points it at the soldier. All three look on in weary horror.) Close your eyes. It'll be over in a moment. And God bless America. (Lights out)

About Me

I'm a Seattle-based writer, playwright and director. For the last fifteen years I've worked as a freelance arts journalist, primarily for Seattle Weekly, where I was the theatre critic from 1995-2000, and subsequently as a theatre columnist from 2006-2008, then worked at The 5th Avenue Theatre for two years as their PR Manager. I've recently turned to fiction writing and am currently working on my second novel.