Anne Palumbo: There are worse things than twerking

Thursday

Dec 5, 2013 at 12:01 AM

Not too long ago, I heard a new word: twerking. I’m embarrassed to say I had to look up the meaning.

Essentially, it’s a provocative dance that involves a lot of booty shaking. Although the dance has been around for a while, pop star Miley Cyrus upped its cache when she twerked at the recent MTV video music awards.

Her over-the-top performance, however, drew jeers, leers and castigations.

Not too long ago, I heard a new word: twerking. I’m embarrassed to say I had to look up the meaning.

Essentially, it’s a provocative dance that involves a lot of booty shaking. Although the dance has been around for a while, pop star Miley Cyrus upped its cache when she twerked at the recent MTV video music awards.

Her over-the-top performance, however, drew jeers, leers and castigations.

No surprise: High schools across the nation raced to add twerking to their list of prohibited dances.

Call me a wild and crazy freethinker with maverick leanings, but I don’t get why school officials have their girdles in a gristmill over this harmless dance. Really? Twerking? Trust me, there are a lot worse things out there than little ol’ twerking.

“Twalking,” for example, is way more egregious than twerking. Twalking is the insensitive act of loudly talking on your cellphone while simultaneously walking. I once was an avid twalker. But all that came to a screeching halt when I whacked into a tree branch while twalking. Ouch.

“Tweaking” should also be banned. I’m talking about the kind of tweaking inflicted by punctilious persons who seem to know how to decorate your house, cook your signature dish, style your hair, and raise your children better than you do. Frankly, I find this busybody input from outsiders maddening. Tweak this! I want to scream.

I also think we should outlaw “twaddling,” especially in crowded malls. Twaddling occurs when someone is babbling about nothing and walking very slowly at the same time. Because their conversation has no point, they naturally lumber along with no real direction or steam. Ever been behind a twaddler? Aye yi yi, where’s the red-hot cattle prod?

“Twhining” desperately needs the kibosh. Twhining happens when someone has had too much to drink and starts to whine. “It’s boiling in here!” “You call that dinner?” “I can’t stand the holidays!” “Your breath smells like rotten eggs.” “No one ever calls me!” And on and on…

Another act that needs the hook? “Twerping.” As the word implies, it’s when some numbnut does something stupid and contemptible. A few that come to mind: cutting in line, loudly broadcasting opinions, stealing a parking spot, forgetting to tip.

Finally, I’d be remiss if I didn’t add “twinkling” to the list. And, no, I’m not referring to that bright, merry feeling that overcomes us this time of year. I’m talking about the appalling act of tweeting while relieving yourself. Seriously? You can’t wait?

In conclusion, twerking seems like child’s play compared to these other inexcusable acts. For the record, I gave twerking a shot. That my attempt caused my family to run screaming from the living room is beside the point. They are a twankless bunch.