Monday, November 4, 2013

I kept this info away from my blog because it was mostly for "happy" things. Also, I just don't think I was ready. This blog was a happy place and life recently, not so much. I see my last post was Aug. 6 and during that time my mother in law was still alive but very, very sick. She was diagnoised with StageIV liver & lung cancer at the end of July and passed a week after her birthday on August 26th. This was one hell of a hard summer. We have been calling it the curse of 2013. I wont go into all of the details but here is what happened with her. I wrote this shortly after her funeral so I would remember things. Everything was a blur. I didn't edit it because I wanted it to be what I was feeling and thinking at that moment and "raw". Mostly it is a timeline. If you have ever been through a close family member death you know about "God's numbness" and how powerful and true it is.

I think this is the first time I have actually got to sit at the computer and write. We lost my mil last Monday morning. She was diagnosed in July with stage IV liver & lung cancer and died a short month later so I assume she had the cancer for awhile and was unaware (scary). The day of the death my husband woke me up crying around 6 am and said he lost mom, she died. The day before he called her and could tell something was seriously off, said he hoped she would make it through the night. I was shocked and kept saying no she didnt, no, no, then just held him and we both cried in bed holding eachother. We had the triplets so we pulled it together (sort of) for them by 7am to send them off to school and planned to tell them when they got home as we didn't want to send them to school with that news, had to go see my fil and knew they would be missing days for the services. We headed to fil house right after they went to school we all hugged and cried. He said she was doing really bad on Sunday. Unfortunatly, my husband had a sinus infection or broncitus so he didn't want to go visit her on Sunday because something like that could have killed her, we saw her on the prior Thursday in the Hospital and she actually looked good, all pumped up with fluids. She went in for four days because of how dehydrated she was. She really didn't eat much for 3 weeks before her death. I think that maybe a blessing for us, seeing her Sunday before she died may have been a worse memory. She had her first chemo treatment on Friday and I believe she was to weak to even get it but felt like she was doing it for us.

When we told the kids one instantly balled, one was sort of scared and hid under the blanket with light tears and one was comic relief (she hates, hates sad things and I read that trying to lighten the mood is a coping mech.) So in their true style as they are so different, they all coped different. The baby, the poor baby got the shaft. She will never remember this wonderful , inspiring, loving, selfless woman. I am so thankful for the visit she had with the baby 2 weeks before death and she and they baby actually took a snooze together, mil holding her, I have the treasured picture. Her memory through us most live on for her. It breaks my soul, no it broke my soul. Still mending.

Silver lining is sucks for us good for her no suffering. The services were beautiful, we pulled it off. There were around 700 people that came to the visitation, husband, fil and I stood there and shook everyones hand, lines were out the door. She had an impact on a lot of people. Starting the local University from scratch, running for Senate, and being a teacher for so many years. We held a reception with food and drinks at a nice hall after the funeral and brought the baby. It was nice for friends of hers to meet they baby and see she was there. She really loved the baby, when fil asked me to go through her phone 90% of her text were doting on her. I am going to screen shot and save them for her later in life. She touched so many lives and will be sorely missed. Now its time for us to grieve. Our whole family feels broken.

That is what I wrote a week after death. We are slowly moving forward and coping. My fil is in Florida right now where they stayed in the winter. Their condo was rennovated just this Summer, (al lher doing) and he really wanted her to get to see it. Sadly she did not. I know with time we will heal, but she was such a huge, huge part of our family. None was expecting this or ready. I really have to step up for my husband and fil, staying strong for them. Thats all I know to do at this point. Life is very short and it scares me.

The baby has turned one (WOW) and the triplets (9). I cannot believe it. I hope to post pictures of birthdays this week.