Est. 2004. Canadian Tax Consultant and Daddy Blogger. Daddy 24/7. What makes me an expert? 3 Children, 14-years of marriage and lots of grey hair! (10+ years working for CRA).

Tag Archives: wet

My daughter had snack before bed, and when taking a sip of water, found that some spilled onto her fleece PJ’s.

She started to cry.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Wahhhh… GSGHJSBERHGAEHTHDFGSADSD” was her reply.

“Huh? What?” I asked again.

Close to being hysterical, she replied, “Afniwngiwgweprgpwgnie.”

“I’m sorry. Can you please stop crying and talk slower… What happened??”

She said. “I spilled water on my PJ’s… I need to change them.”

“You can wait” I said, “They’re flannel or fleece, they will dry quickly.”

She sobbed a little, and finished her snack.

Then without warning, she got up, walked over to the counter, placed her bowl on the counter, cup in the sink, turned to me and said; “Daddy. I’m NOT going to change my PJ’s. The top has already dried, and you did say they would dry quickly, so that means the bottom will be dry before I knew it. You were right. I was wrong. I love you. Goodnight.”

Today’s Thursday Thirteen is an instant classic that you will want to re-post and share with your friends and family as it covers 13 types of men found in a men’s washroom which I have observed over my 20 plus years of office life.

So gather your friends and family members, lock away the children and be prepared to laugh so hard you’ll pee you pants.

Here we go!

13. The Talker – The talker is the kind of guy you come across in a men’s washroom who has started a conversation on his way to the washroom and continues it while walking into the washroom, even if he goes into a stall – which ladies, is big issue for men. The talker will continue the conversation while he does his business and actually expects you to stick around and partake and not be wierded out by what is happening. Ladies, let me tell you, in a men’s washroom if the stall is occupied, men get the hell out as quick as possible before they hear or smell anything. Talking from beyond the stall… So not cool.

12. The Peeker – Gentlemen, you know these types of guys. They’re a little odd, or a little curious and you know if there is an opportunity to sneak a peek, they’ll be the ones that do it. Sometimes even though they know it’s wrong, they’ll throw a look while you’re talking to them or looking at them. They can’t help themselves. It’s competition to see what they’ve got and what you’ve got. The peeker will never comment but it is very awkward and from that point on, the peeker pees alone!

11. The Grunter – Ahhh, the grunter… This is the guy who holds in his stuff for so long that by the time he gets to a stall he REALLY has to go and you know it. There is grunting, moaning and the odd, “Oh yeah” with pauses for appropriate sound effects. The grunter gets so caught up into his own bathroom experience that he forgets there are dudes on the other side of the stall cringing.

10. The Clean Freak – These are the guys who immediately wash their hands upon approval to the washroom, but before they take a seat inside a stall, they takes soap and water and wash it down first. Heaven forbid that some other guy’s stuff touched the toilet. Putting toilet paper down, or a thin toilet seat cover, these guys need the bowl to sparkle and be “germ” free. These are the driven folks who succeed in organizations so they can have a washroom all to themselves.

9. The Flusher – Someone told me once that if you flush your poo right away you flush the smell too. Well studies have since shown that to not be true, yet there are some guys who still think it’s legit so they get into a stall and within the length of time it takes another guy to pee, the flusher has flushed the toilet 4 times. On the bright side, the splashing from the toilet water must be really cleaning their bottom… UGH.

8. The Blaster – This is the guy who holds his pee so long that the second he gets up to the stall his stream is so powerful like he’s trying to shoot a whole through the ceramic bowl. Sadly this guy also likes to hit the pine smelling soap at the bottom of the urinal resulting in him getting sprayed in the mid-section from his pee. He leaves the washroom covered in pee residue… Yucky. You can recognize him because as soon as he leaves the washroom, his mid-section glows from the urine. The back of his hand is also usually soaked but when he washes his hands, he’ll wash the inside and rarely the back.

7. The Misser – This is the guy who gets into the washroom and doesn’t want to make any noise when peeing, or is playing with his stream trying to make the least splash and in process usually hits the porcelain edge and winds up peeing on the floor, hence the giant puddles guys have come known to look out for when approaching a urinal. Then the next guy comes in, sees the puddle and does his stuff from a foot back from the urinal which means he too adds to the pool of pee on the floor and so it goes until guys give up on that urinal and go to the next one.

6. The Unbuckler – This guy makes me laugh. I worked with a guy who used to unbuckle his pants to pee, and he would drop his drawers to his mid-thigh, pull down his underwear exposing his ass cheeks and stand at the urinal with his arm leaning on the wall, legs spread to the max, and he would pee like that while looking around and trying to talk to other guys. It’s a urinal, not a social club and who the hell wants to see his ass anyways. It got to the point that when he was going to the washroom, no one else would go near it for 5 minutes for fear of meeting ass-man face to butt cheeks..

5. The No Handser – These are the guys – and we all have seen them, who think they can accurately pee in the urinal, not on the floor, not on themselves without touching their stuff at all. They also think – like my 7-year-old son does, that if they don’t touch it they don’t need to wash their hands. Well no hands is not cool, and you still have to wash your hands so grab a hold and get it over with.

4. The Wiggler – The wiggler guy is the guy who finishes peeing and before he steps away he takes his stuff and frantically wiggles it all around, smacking it on the side of the urinal in efforts to get all the pee out. The problem with the frantic wiggle is that there is no way to control where that left over pee goes so while some may drop into the urinal, the rest sprays all over the place.

3. The Newspaper Bringer – Ahhh, the newspaper bringer. This describes the guy who is heading for the washroom and intends on being there a while so he picks up a newspaper from someone’s desk along the way, tucks it under his arm, and proceeds to set up camp inside a stall. What makes this guy so clueless is when he returns from his 20 minutes of quiet time and proceeds to drop that newspaper back on the desk of the person he borrowed it from with a cheerful “thank you”. He doesn’t understand that the person he borrowed the paper from does not wish to have back the paper after he’s read it who doing his business and before he washed his hands… Just the thought makes me shudder.

2. The I’m Aloner – The I’m alone guy is the guy who is clearly uncomfortable in a public washroom with other men around. Someone must have commented on the size of his stuff when he was younger because he stresses out in the washroom resulting in him walking in, ignoring everyone, doing his stuff, washing up efficiently and getting the hell out as quickly as possible. This type of guy possibly holds his breath the entire time in case there is a foul odor in the bathroom. It’s best to just get out of their way and let them go.

1. The Held it Too Longer – This guy makes me laugh because he holds his stuff for as long as he possibly can and you know as he’s racing to the bathroom he’s already imaging the relief of doing his business that he is already unzipping or unbuckling even before he gets inside the washroom.

This kind of guy is in his own world because he doesn’t want to be the guy who filled his drawers so if he enters the washroom and there is no toilet or urinal available he actually looks at the sink as a viable option while trying to determine if he waits or heads to another floor.

Don’t try talking to this guy, he’ll bite your head off and he’s probably now having a conversation with himself as his kidneys begin to ache. He won’t even buckle up as he flees the washroom in search of another and when he finally does get in there could be a dead body on the floor he won’t notice, he’s too busy saying “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” as he goes on with his business.

Unfortunately he is traumatized and needs some considerable time to replay the encounter in his head and I’m positive he thanking his lucky stars that as he came into the washroom, already undone and ready to go that he did not run into Mr. Ass Cheeks.

Honorable mention to the take no prisoners guy who comes in, does his stuff and leaves a disaster in his wake – toilet paper everywhere, paper towels and soap everywhere else and body fluids in places it should not be in an office environment.

The three items listed in my title will probably never, ever be explained.

Are crop circles an elaborate hoax perpetrated by a bunch of schemers? Who really killed JFK, was it one shooter or the CIA or the mob? And how kids brains work…

Since this is a daddy blog first and foremost, let me expand on the last item.

Readers of this blog will recall the issues we’ve been having getting Stewie out of his night-time pull ups. He was quick to train during the day – 2 1/2 if my memory serves me correctly, but it took him until about 4 1/2 to stop soiling his pull-up at night. The most difficult thing to do has been to get him to understand what he was doing because when he went to sleep he knew not to do that, but when he woke up, he seemed surprised – and a little disappointed – that it had happened. And to be honest, I don’t think he consciously stopped doing it, I think he just created a pattern which did not include a night-time bowel movement.

Getting him to stop peeing at night, however, has been a disaster.

I tried waking him up ever couple hours to pee, I tried no water before bed, I tried making him pee three times before he sleeps, we tried the double pull up… He hated that one! I tried explaining it to him and I tried mocking him (sorry), by telling him babies wear diapers. His response to that was to not wear a pull-up to bed, then sleeping in a pool of pee.

For the past year and a half he’s slept with a rubber sheet under his sheet and on top of that is a towel which absorbs some of the pee but never enough as he continues to pee through his diapers, then pull-ups. Neither Huggies nor Pampers helped. We tried all brands, all styles. The Pampers Under Jams have worked the best of all the night-time items, they hold a lot of urine! I told him they are night time underwear, and not diapers… Whew. The Huggies Pull-ups, on the other hand worked for one pee, but when the floodgates were open they were pretty much useless.

Compounding this problem was the fact that he wanted to sleep in bed with mummy, every night for the last 5 months and she couldn’t have him in her bed without him peeing first, changing a full pull-up and a towel on the bed… A lot of work at 2, 3 or 4 in the morning for either of us.

I think the most frustrating part here is that the whole time Stewie knew he was doing this. He said he was “too tired” to get up to pee.

A couple of times I would take him to pee and he a little bit of pee would trickle out, then we would put on his pull up and within seconds it would be full.

I would glare at him, he would smile. Such a cute face…

Then out of nowhere, just days after his 5th birthday, the little bugger woke up completely dry. I asked him what happened and he said he got up to pee (I know he did not). I think he just decided he was going to hold it… Finally.

He just decided to hold it.

Every night for that week, I would walk into his room, and check to see that he was wearing his pull-up, then see how wet it, or he was. It’s been completely dry.

Then he started getting annoyed. Annoyed that for the past year and a half we’ve been doing the poke test on him. Poking to see if he’s wearing his pull-up, poking him to see if it’s full and now in the last 3 days, poking him to see if he’s wet.

Just last night, he came into our room, I rushed to move him back to his room, but he returned shortly thereafter (“I NEED mummy!”) he cries, so I took him to his room again and laid down with him.

Every now and then I would reach over and give the poke test, to which he promptly replied; “Stop poking me, Daddy. I’m still dry!”.

Well… Excuse me!!!

How he just decided to do this after all this time and all the pee… Is a mystery!

But the mystery gets even more clouded when just over a week later, he was back to his old ways. Fll pull-ups, wet bed, sometimes right through to the towel, or sheets.

Since this is very normal and very common, I’m not overly bothered by it. I hope he turns it on again soon, but in the interim He’ll keep peeing and I’ll keep bugging him.

Before I go into details about our weekend and why I am always so tired and run down, this promotional message is brought to you by the numbers 7, 8 and 9.

Have you heard the new song by the Barenaked Ladies? The one called 7-8-9? In this song, the band counts to 10, but omit the number 9, and when asked about it, they sing, “Cause seven ate nine”… It’s actually quite cute. We listen to it a LOT in the car with the kids, especially when Stewie yells, “789. 789. 789″ and won’t stop until we play it.

Well… it would explain why Stewie counted for me to 10, like this, “1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-10″. So I ask him, “Hey, what about 9?”. He just looks at me.

Now, the weekend… It is currently raining and my kids are dancing outside on the back deck. One has stripped naked, while the other still in PJ’s is getting wet. Me? I’m inside on the computer. My wife?!? I’m not really sure. She tells me she is “cleaning” and it sounds like she is cleaning, but nonetheless, she is missing quite a show!

So I brought the boys inside, ran them upstairs and threw them and UM in the bath for a family bubble bath. Linus loved it… Stewie hated it. That was fun for me as I had some quiet time!

Once the kids cleaned off, we got dressed, the rain stopped and I took the kids for a nice walk up and down the main street by our house, and in and out of the backyard to play with toys and check on the vegetables we are growing. We had some much fun, I figured Sunday might be more of the same, and it sure was.

On Sunday, Stewie – who won’t get out of bed on his own – woke up around 6am, calling, “Daddy… Poo potty… Poo coming… Daddy”. So in ran UrbanMummy to get him, but he had already pooed in his diaper. We changed him, gave him yummy-mummy-milk and hoped he would rest in bed with us, but after a few minutes of him trying to escape, I decided that we needed a different plan.

I didn’t want to wake Linus, so I got Stewie dressed quietly, and I was going to take him for a walk in his stroller, but his yelling work up Linus and then it was on for the day! Both boys were bouncing off the walls and finally at 7:45am I let them into the backyard where they began yelling and screaming, playing and eating raspberries from the plant in the corner of the yard. Thinking this might not be a good way to get your neighbours to like you, I wisked them inside, had UM help me get Linus dressed while I made pancakes, and after breakfast we went to the park.

At the park before 9am, we played in the sand, on the slide and with some of the other kids there, until UM showed up, and we walked to Starbucks for a GrandeAmericano and some chatting outside on the patio with our neighbours, then home to meet a friend and her son for more play time, this time in our back yard. It wound up being 5 boys in the backyard – which wound down slowly just past 2pm at which point we woke up Stewie from his nap and headed down to the park in midtown for our cousins 2nd birthday party.

At the party, we ate (pizza, cake and fruit), played on the jungle gym and got really dirty. We packed up and headed back uptown to Grandma and Grandpa’s for a BBQ with them and some friend they have known for over 40 years. We ate, played and ran inside as it poured just after dinner. The image ofStewie standing inside the door to the deck, dancing side-to-side, signing “rain, rain, go way. Come again ‘nother day”… over and over again. It was so funny.

Anyways, we got them home, fed them and got them into bed. I hoped to have been able to go to sleep tonight, like last night, laying in bed with UM, hand-in-hand, watching Law and Order, but instead I went for a run. Managed just under 30 minutes – was dead tired and legs were very tight from all the walking. I needed more water too. Ugh.

So after my run, I came home, showered, rambled through this post and went to bed. I’m SO beat. We spent like 3/4’rs of the day outside.

Yawn. Just another weekend in this urban daddy’s household with 2 active boys.

How was your weekend? Mine? Are you asking me? Really? Well then… We spent this weekend with a child who really wanted to eat and drink, to the point of having a tantrum if he could not, but then, after eating and drinking, would throw up the contents of his little tummy – food not even slightly digested. In between vomit-fest, were mega-poo’s of the very wet variety seeping through diaper, clothes, towel, bed and whatever else was in it’s way. UGH.

I was so glad to leave the house this morning to go to work (imagine that!) so I wouldn’t have to smell poo or vomit anymore… It was getting to be too much. It was everywhere!

It’s true Dads… Mums do have it harder when kids are sick!

Sick kid and all, we trekked up to Green Acres camp for a birthday party of Linus’ classmate and had a wonderful time. We petted bunnies, sheep (babies too) and fed the chickens.

Me, personally, I hate zoos and farms because quite frankly they smell like shit. I’m not a big fan of ducking poo here and there and watching animals take a dump. I’m still traumatized from seeing a elephant unload a whopper when I was young. It’s was nasty and I couldn’t eat large quantities of ground beef for months after. But hey, it wasn’t about me and the kids had fun. Linus ran off an played on his own which he never does and Stewie wanted to eat. Grapes, specifically. One incident went something like this;

Stewie “Want gapes”

Urban Mummy “There are no more”

Stewie “WANT gapes”

UM “There are no more”

Stewie “WANT GAPESSSSS”

UM “I told you there are no more”… followed by a angry-faced hair pulling and a smack.

Nice, eh? Anyways, there was food, games, shovels and buckets and a tractor ride. We all had fun… Except maybe UM whose jacket I left with the gift in the middle of a bench somewhere in the complex. Hope they found it before it rained or the sheep ate it.

Jedi vs Sith – That addictive facebook game! Damn that game!!! I have to finish all games before we leave for our trip (Wednesday) of I’ll lose by auto-win… Noooooooooo! I’m a geek. I know.

Now, for a more serious comment about family. Without getting into it too much, I have three cousins – sisters, that I babysat when I was younger quite a lot and got to know these kids very well. After their parents divorced, we kept in touch with my Uncle, but they went with their mom and we rarely heard from them, except for facebook… recently. Well before UM and I had Linus this cousin had a baby, got married, and I tried to keep in touch, she was now 27, not 7 and I thought as family the cousins should get to know each other, but to no avail. Only excuses. I invited her and her hubby to both brises and to our annual New Years’ Day open house and heard nothing back. I did get some pictures for our grandmother so she could see the baby. Anyways, it is with great sadness that I find out this weekend that my cousin – now 30, had another baby – this time a boy, in April. No one in our family knew. She didn’t even have the courtesy to drop me an email… Nice. I’m contemplating emailing her or facebooking her sisters to say something because I can. That’s my style, but UM and my mother think I should leave it alone. Anyone have any experiences like this, and can offer some advice?

I’m stealing this story from Urban Mummy before she gets to post it. She told me that she was playing the new Barenaked Ladies children’s CD in the car for Linus, and she told him as such. When she got back in the car with him after his parent-teacher interview, he asked to listen to CD again, but referred to the artist as the “naked girls”. Cute, eh? Asked me the same thing after his last swimming class… “Naked Girls”… he he he.

We are all heading to the lovely US of A for a family function Wednesday and will return by the end of the week. This will be Stewie’s (all 1 1/2 of him) 4th or 5th flight. I was 35 by my 5th flight. :)

Now, a new feature and tell me honestly if you like it or hate it, but /I took a few minutes and typed down some insane talk I over heard at the office this morning…

Overheard:

“Before Jesus came they used to sacrifice lambs, and humans to these G-ds, before Jesus came, whomever they are. Then Jesus came and said you don’t have to do that anymore… that is why I have vegetarian blood. You can’t get iron from veg so I’m drinking protein shakes…”

“If you had to take a rocket to the moon, would you not check the gas?”

“We drink cows milk because “they” found something they wanted to sell, so they promoted it and forced everyone to drink it.”

“Coffee: caffeine – clogs your system – is the problem – stimulates your heart too much. Dehydrates you. Diuretic. I’ll go to green tea. (other person says: green tea has 4 times the caffeine of coffee)… Well then I’ll go to a lemon drink! Anything marketed is no good. I’ll show them! I need more lemons in my diet anyways”

“Problem with blood pressure – is you have high cholesterol and the bad is higher than the good – chance of stroke is high. “They” want you to go on pills right away. “They” don’t want to take the time to help you, they get money for the pills and not for helping you. If you’re overweight – stressed – blood pressure goes up – must be sick. You’re money for “them”.”

“Sodium – ratio of potassium to sodium is 3-1. If not 3-1 then high blood pressure. People are taking potassium in their diets to even out the ratio… Yeah!.”

Today is Grandpa’s birthday and the kids did some artwork and picked out a funky hoodie that I didn’t think Grandpa would like but they did and they desecrated – err, coloured – his birthday card… Hope he liked the effort. Those kids try so hard!

Tomorrow… Interview and a trip to police headquarters (details to follow).

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