Who is Notch? Despite creating Minecraft, perhaps the greatest video game phenomenon of all time, he remains one of the greatest enigmas in gaming history.

But where did he come from, this Notch? Why is he called Notch? What gave him the inspiration for his game? Digitiser2000 reveals all - in this ultimate guide to... The Life of Notch.

Notch was born Markus Persson, in Stockholm, Sweden, on June 1st 1979. Here is a picture of the cool rock star Phil Lynott from around that time, having a "kickabout".

You go, Phil! Woo! Kick the ball, yeah?

​Sadly, following years of drug and alcohol addiction, Phil Lynott would pass away from septicaemia on January 4th 1986 - aged just 36 years old; roughly the same age as Notch, prior to his recent birthday.

According to Wikipedia, Markus's father was Finnish and his mother was Swedish. Here are two other Scandinavian parents, of the sort that Markus is likely to have had. Their names are Fjord Harrison and Körki NATO-Bong-Bongo-Um-Bongo.

It takes a man and a woman to make a pregnancy occur, thus in some respects it was unsurprising that Mrs Persson would one day become swollen with a meat child. The likely process by which Markus was conceived can be seen below.

As an infant, Markus was the most beautiful baby in all of Stockholm. Yet even so, nobody could have predicted that he would grow up to become Notch, creator of Minecraft.

​However, there was one who watched the young Markus from afar, with envious eyes...

In a nameless place that existed beyond the boundaries of time and space, the Eternal - Jarfross Kex - had witnessed the birth of Notch, and seen the child develop into a creature of unspeakable beauty.

Kex wanted to steal the babeling's fairness for himself, so that he could spend hours in front of the mirror going "Hmm... looking good, dude, yeah?"

Jarfross put his plans into motion, studying ancient and arcane texts for decades. Long into the endless night he would pore over those pages, muttering the words which formed the elements of a grand and evil spell.

Unfortunately, those plans would never come to fruition, for by the time Jarfross was at last ready, Markuss had grown into an average-looking man, and he lost interest.

Like most Scandinavian children, Markus would play with building blocks, perhaps, and it is entirely possible that the seeds were sown for what would one day become his defining achievement.

​The young Markus was also a big fan of music, and would spend his days listening to Ian Dury and the "Block"-heads, and "Brick" Astley, and Pink Floyd's "The Wall", maybe.

However, like most children, Markus wasn't perfect. He would sometimes get into trouble with his teachers, for all we know. One day, his punishment might've been to stare at a wall - a wall made of bricks.

Who knows whether this event, if it happened, might have had an effect on his mind... providing the spark which would eventually lead to his crowning achievement?

Many years later, Markus started calling himself Notch and created the computer game Minecraft and it was a massive hit!

Unfortunately, nothing can last forever, and one day even Notch himself shall die. In a world full of uncertainty, it's good to know that there is at least one thing we can all rely on.

And why the hell would a man put his winky inside a woman's vagina? Just what good is going to come of that? God help me my child..............

Reply

Mr howard

7/7/2016 02:01:02 pm

Never mind all that. What on earth is under Notch's hat??

Reply

Thom Yorke

7/7/2016 03:46:47 pm

This is gonna be like the Dino Dini thing all over again, except Notch is rich so he may pay to have your organs harvested.

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Tinker's Cuss

7/7/2016 10:29:13 pm

I'm confused - is that a lady's front bottom or her front-front bottom?

What does this mean for the standard female biological model of:

Milk, Milk,
Lemon-ade,
Round-the-corner,
Chocolate's made.

?

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Starbuck

7/7/2016 11:28:28 pm

As I've never heard that milk milk lemonade poem before I feel that I've missed out all my life.

Must tell my kids.

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Dr Dennis Stopper

11/7/2016 01:54:17 pm

Tha rhyme was the first correct answer in my final gynocolgy exam. I am now fully licensed to asses ladies' front bottoms, flappety bits and tubey doings. Sorry to go over your heads with all that sciencey talk.

Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists

14/7/2016 04:43:40 pm

Question 1. Describe in proper medical terms all the lady's gubbins.

Answer: [Taken from the 6th century Latin translation of "Gynaikeia" by Soranus* of Ephesus]