Firewirks over Sydney Opera House

Saturday, 30 October 2010

Settling down and reflecting

Now that D is back on the rig and I have my dogs with me, life is settling down. I'm still uncertain about lots of things: money, job, friends and my family but one thing I am sure about is that I was right to decide to leave. I have looked at photos of me and D and felt some nostalgia and some sadness but no regret. I know that he is a good man, but he was not good for me. Like milk to someone who is lactose intolerant.

It seems that, while I am a strong woman in nearly every aspect of my life, work, friends, family etc, I was not strong enough in my relationship with D. So ultimately I ended up becoming a second class citizen. And then, instead of standing up for myself, I hid away in food, drink, activities and seeking validation from other people, including other men. None of these reactions were healthy or what I needed and they ultimately made me feel worse and perpetuated the whole cycle. Finding someone who loves me for me, warts and all and doesn't need me to pretend to be what I'm not has really freed me up from all that.

I worry that I'll start the cycle again with Rich - seeking approval and hiding etc but I don't think so. I seem to be able to stand up to him and he doesn't seem to want to dominate me anyway. When we have a disagreement, he doesn't need to conquer me - can leave it as that, a disagreement. Sometimes he comes round to my way of thinking or agrees to do it my way despite disagreeing with me. I know now that this is "normal" but it was a shock to the system the first time it happened!!

D used to make me feel guilty for even daring to disagree with him. I find it hard to believe that I capitulated so easily with D, that I became such a doormat. I self-censored and caved in and was so spineless. But I'm not going to feel bad about it. Maybe it was my "fault" but there are probably loads of reasons for it. Our respective personalities; his work patterns; the fact that we met so young; my weight and attitude towards it; my relationship with my father; my chimp! At the end of the day, it didn't work for me. D says it worked for him and that we had a good relationship but I have to hope that he will find someone better for him and be happier. I don't believe that making me unhappy was what he wanted and I don't believe that he was particularly happy himself anyway.

Looking back is difficult. I don't want to re-write history. I can see in so many photographs that we did have happy times. But I also remember the truth that, a lot of the time, all we had to talk about was the dogs. That we hid in social events to avoid being alone together. That I walked on eggshells a lot of the time and that we could have a row at the drop of a hat, even before or after some of our happiest times. Many's the photo which I look at and remember what preceded or followed that happy moment.

Our house and travels (especially that holiday in Botswana and the boating holidays) are particularly difficult to work through. They are genuinely good things about our marriage to remember. We had a wonderful time on the Broads and in Botswana and I can't imagine doing that with anyone else. I hope we can build on those real things to remake some sort of a friendship in the years to come. I would like to but I don't know if he will be able to.

But I know I'm more honest with myself now and I hope that will make me a stronger and better companion, whatever happens in the future.

A blog following the progress of my life and weight after completing the Lighter Life diet back in 2007. I lost 9 stone and became slim and fit. Since then, the battle really started and I re-gained a couple or 3 of them back and am now learning how to live without the yo-yo gains and losses of my past.