So there's this dude. He has pretty much what you would call the ideal marriage with a smoking hot chick, but they have one glaring problem. His penis is way too massive for her. It causes her such pain that they basically can't bang. She comes to terms with it and decides to not let it fuck up a good thing, and on their anniversary she gives him a hundred bucks so he can visit a brothel and still get his rocks off. He's overjoyed, filled to the brim with excitement. Like a child living a thousand christmases simultaneously, he goes to the reception and arranges everything with the woman sitting there. She tells him to go down the hall and open the first door on his left. He does so, and enters. The room is dark, only illuminated by a few candles but not enough to really see all of the girl's features. He goes for it, but only gets about half-way in before she whelps in pain. So much for that, he thinks, and walks out. Demanding his money back, the receptionist tells him that there's another room he can go to, and if that one doesn't do the trick he can get reimbursed and be on his way. He goes in, and it's the same deal. Pretty dark, and silent. He actually manages to do his thing, for the first time in his life. When he finishes, he's ecstatic. He thanks the girl, but she doesn't respond. He suddenly notices that she's foaming at the mouth. Panicking, he runs out and tells the woman. Her only response is frustration, as she turns to the man mopping the floor and yells ''God damn it, Harold, the dead girl is full again!''

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theposaga about a Moonblood rehearsal wrote:

So good. Makes me want to break up with my girlfriend, quit my job and never move out of my parents house. Just totally destroy my life for Satan.

"I was raping a woman the other night and she cried, "Please, think of my children!"

Kinky bitch."

"In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse whenone wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane, "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I am going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me feel like a woman! I've had it! Is there ANYONE on the plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?!"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare riveted at the desperate woman in front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous — tall, built with long, flowing balck hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and he extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman and whispers: "Iron this."

"Pedophiles are poor guys, they're always coming in a little behind."

"So I buy this girl a drink at the bar and you know what she does? She says "thanks" and hands it to her boyfriend...

Now normally that would piss me off; but it was fucking hilarious watching him drink that roofie."

"Why can't you fool an aborted foetus?

It wasn't born yesterday."

"A guy finds a bottle with 2 blonde genies. They grant him 3 wishes.

He thinks about it...suddenly he is in a vast room filled with money up to his waist. He sees a door on the other side of the room and makes his way to it...

He now finds himself in another vast room filled with beautiful, naked women. He looks across the room and sees another door. He makes his way through those beautiful, naked women and opens the door, when suddenly...

He is hanged by his neck until he is dead.

Some time later the 2 blonde genies are walking along the beach chatting and the subject of the guy who released them came up. One says to the other, "I understand why he wanted wealth beyond his wildest dreams. I certainly understand why he wanted to be surrounded by beautiful, naked women. But, why in the world did he want to be hung like a black man?"

"Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape."

"I'm not racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people."

"What has more brains than Kurt Cobain?

The wall behind him."

"A man is eating a woman out when he tastes horse semen. He looks up and goes, "So that's how you died, Grandma!"

"So the other day my girlfriend called me a pedophile. I said 'that's a pretty big word for a 10 year old!'"

"Where did the little girl go after the explosion? Everywhere."

"So a masochist, a pyromaniac, a necrophile, a sadist, a pedophile, and a zoophile are all standing in a jail cell. The zoophile says, "You know what I could really go for right now? Sex with a cat." The pedophile says, "Even better: Sex with a kitten." The sadist asks, "How about we beat the kitten up, and THEN have sex with it?" The necrophile adds, "Alright let's beat a kitten to death, and then have sex with it." Then the pyromaniac says, "Okay, how about we beat a kitten to death, light it on fire, and then have sex with it?" After all of this the masochist finally speaks up and says,

So, three guys are leaving a bar after partying and decide to go to a whorehouse to call it a night. They walk in, and ask for three prostitutes, one for each guy. The receptionist says that they only have two prostitutes and an inflatable doll available for the night. Two of the guys decide to leave the inflatable doll to the other guy which is very drunk. Each guy walks into his respective room and spend the night.

Next day, the dudes meet in the lobby. First guy says: "My woman was a fearsome animal in bed." Second guy says: "Mine was brutal and down for anything." Last guy says:

A man drives down a lonely road. Suddenly there's a little yellow man standing in the middle of the road. He hits the brakes, the midget comes to his window and says "I'm the little yellow man and I want a Twix!". The puzzled man opens his glovebox, finds a Twix, hands it to the midget and drives on. After a while there's a red man standing on the road. He stops again, the red dude comes to his window and says "I'm the little red man and I want a Snickers!". There's a Snickers in the glove box so he hands it to him and drives on. Some time later there's a blue man on the road. When he comes to his window the driver says: "I bet you are the little blue man who wants a Bounty!"

After a long day they instruct their porters to drag back 1 moose, 4 deer and a bison.

as they approach, the pilot shouts that his aircraft won't cope with the weight and they'll have to leave something behind. The 2 guys assure him that the season before the pilot had no difficulty taking a similar amount on board.

Reluctantly he agrees, but soon after take off the aircraft goes down into dense forest.

A man drives down a lonely road. Suddenly there's a little yellow man standing in the middle of the road. He hits the brakes, the midget comes to his window and says "I'm the little yellow man and I want a Twix!". The puzzled man opens his glovebox, finds a Twix, hands it to the midget and drives on. After a while there's a red man standing on the road. He stops again, the red dude comes to his window and says "I'm the little red man and I want a Snickers!". There's a Snickers in the glove box so he hands it to him and drives on. Some time later there's a blue man on the road. When he comes to his window the driver says: "I bet you are the little blue man who wants a Bounty!"

What do Grateful Dead fans say when they run out of drugs? "Hey, what's that horrible music?!!"

ha ha ha

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles,