Monday, July 23, 2007

In case you missed it, last week we rolled out KSK’s new “FREE OOKIE” shirts to recognize Ron Mexico’s contributions to Western Culture. We reluctantly agree with the fashionistas who say these shirts have revolutionized the casual apparel market as the world knows it. No big whoop. Then a few days later this showed up in our inbox:

Hello folks,

You are using the name Ookie for promotional items but must be unaware that my company has a registered trademark for that name. Therefore I am sorry but you should no longer use the name. I appreciate a response.You can see our trademark Ookie at www.babyemporio.com

thank you,Clasina ValkenbergBaby Emporio

We checked it out and, sure enough, Baby Emporio sells little rag dolls for babies called “Ookies.” Twenty-six bucks plus shipping and handling for a knotted up diaper that my son wouldn’t wipe his ass with. If he could wipe his ass. Which he can’t.

Our first inclination was tell Clasina Valkenberg to go pound sand. Where the hell does Clasina Valkenberg get off telling us what we can and can’t sell? Plus we had serious doubts over any exclusiveness Clasina Valkenberg claims to have over the word “Ookie” since it appears in otherplaces on the web. But then the shit hit the fan...

We learned from MSNBC’s Darren Rovell that the NFL has forbidden fans from purchasing Mike Vick jerseys with the name “Ookie” on the back. Ye gods, we thought, had Clasina Valkenberg got to Roger Goodell? Had the mysterious baby novelty cartel forced the world’s most powerful sports league to its knees? If the NFL couldn’t stand up to Baby Emporio, what shot did a renegade band of sports bloggers have? Internally, we debated the course of action we should take. At long last, we came to a decision.

Since Clasina Valkenberg requested our response, here it is-- drafted and vetted by a fleet of white-shoe attorneys, every single one a wily Jew:

We don’t give a rat’s ass if Clasina Valkenberg has a trademark on Ookie for her rag dolls. Trademark law was adopted so consumers can identify products from one another. Trademarks aren’t infinite in scope. Miller Brewery couldn’t stop you from selling Miller brand pencils, gum, nails etc. There is no likelihood of confusion between Clasina Valkenberg’s rag dolls and KSK’s shirt, which, incidentally, offer commentary on a wholly unrelated public news event.

[Note to any IP attorneys / smartass law students: I realize leaving out trademark dilution, free speech and other issues which may also figure in to any potential legal claims, but this is an NFL blog, We’ve already spent way to much time discussing legalities. No one wants to read boring shit like that on a Monday morning.]

So, in summary, we are changing nothing and Clasina Valkenberg can take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.

o.k., i had to check out that bay site. more overpriced baby crap, $22 for six pairs of socks ? fuck that. and for the record i can wipe my own ass and i still wouldn't wipe my ass with the ookie doll.

If you go to the US trademark office's webpage (yes, I'm a monstrous nerd), you can search here: http://tess2.uspto.gov/bin/gate.exe?f=search&state=hlsvqp.2.1

and you'll see that all the registered trademarks for "Ookie" appear to be dead, including one owned by good ol' Clasina (number 75342932). Not sure what "dead" actually means, but I bet it means that Clasina doesn't have a legal leg to stand on.

Lady just give me the free ookie! I saw the dudes in the Mrs. Field's shirts, I know you got some, now gimme. Shit, I don't want your diapers lady, now get me some delicious fried ookie, ookie want some ookie lady!

What kind of name is Clasina? Seriously, if that's her real name, she should sue her parents for deliberate infliction of harm.

I salute your defiance of the stupid trademark laws. I think use of a term for purposes of parody or comment is fair use, but I'm not a lawyer, I could be wrong about that. Regardless, I think this chick should have seen this as a promo opportunity and sent you some free shit instead of a half-assed cease and desist notice. It's not like you're dealing with Disney, I'd never even heard of "Ookie" before you mentioned it here.

Stay-at-home moms who sell crap on the internet send these e-mails to each other all the time. I could tell you stories about my homeschooling SIL's adventures, but you don't want to read them. These women probably need to get laid more often.