We are admittedly, and decidedly, dessert deficient. Salt, hot peppers and garlic hold the key to our hearts. Those of you who dutifully read will note that since this column’s official inception back in early ’06 we’ve never—not once—dared pen a sugar script for your sweet tooth.

Courtship is very much like a fine piece of theater. It requires poise and wit, well-defined roles and a healthy dose of poetic inspiration. Tennessee Williams knew how to woo lovers of language and drama. And no group of performers has fallen deeper under his spell than our very own Fusion Theatre Company.

Thomas Friedman’s now famous book The World is Flat laid out a gloomy future for American workers. According to Friedman, technology has leveled the playing field at both ends of the labor market. For high-tech, high-skill American workers, outsourcing to India will change their ideas of job security as engineering, computer programming and the like are moved to cheaper, equally skilled Indian workers. At the other end of the labor market, relatively low-skilled American manufacturing workers are being undercut by cheap Chinese workers.

Dateline: England--A homeowner in the southwestern town of Treovis has been cited by local police for “placing a garden gnome with intent to cause harassment.” BBC News reports that Gordon MacKillop was woken just before midnight by two officers who warned him that the gnome was offensive to his neighbors. Apparently, MacKillop’s neighbor, former policeman John McLean, had complained that the statue is placed in an “annoying position” and is upsetting to potential buyers viewing his home. The statue in question is just under two feet tall and features a gnome dressed as a police officer, standing between a German shepherd and a flashlight-sized nightlight. Mr. MacKillop told the BBC he bought the lighted gnome to deter criminals after his motorcycle was stolen from his driveway. “I’m not having the police tell me what type of garden gnome I can have in my garden,” said MacKillop. “This is a standard gnome I bought from a retail store. If they are considered to be harassing, they should be withdrawn from sale.”

He’s Back (The Man Behind the Mask)--OK, so that unforgettable Alice Cooper tune was actually the theme song to Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives. Only a hardcore horror film afficionado would know that, of course. And if you’re one of those, you need to get out to the Cottonwood Starport Theater this week for a special presentation of the original Nightmare on Elm Street. On Wednesday, Sept. 20, and Thursday, Sept. 21, a brand-new, remastered cut of the film will screen in 124 select movie theaters across the country. The screening is a prerelease teaser for the spiffed-up special edition Infinifilm DVD version. In addition to the thrill of seeing this horror classic on the big screen in High-Definition and cinema surround sound, fans will also be treated to a new exclusive feature--“Freddy's Best Kills,” a montage of Freddy Krueger’s gruesome kills throughout the rest of the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise, including sequels 2 through 6, plus Wes Craven’s New Nightmare and Freddy vs. Jason--that can be seen only in theaters during this special event. Screenings start at 8 p.m. both nights. Tickets are available online at www.bigscreenboxoffice.com or at the box offices for $10.

Yikes!--Their MySpace motto is "You don't need to have a good time to drink!" Apparently, you don't need a liquor license either, or .... do you? SID and New Mexico Department of Public Safety agents, along with the New Mexico State Police, have determined that Harlow's on the Hill has been up to no good. The Nob Hill bar and music venue cleared one year of operation in July, only to get busted last week for not having a liquor license. (But you have to wonder: Does it really take a year to figure something like that out?) Needless to say, the club is closed until further notice. Touring bands like Knoxville's Christabel & the Jons are now freaked and scrambling to find another place to play this weekend. But it's nothing a stiff drink won't cure.

The sixth annual All Around Challenge brings eight downhill and trick skateboarding events to the Sandia Ski area, Friday and Saturday, Sept. 22 and 23. Cap it off with a cross-town race and awards party at Kelly’s BYOB on Sept. 24. Free for spectators! Learn more at 474-0074 or www.timeshipracing.com. (LM)

Thursday, Sept. 21, Burt’s Tiki Lounge (21-and-over); free: From Clarence Reid’s beginnings as a potty-mouthed child, to a ‘60s and ‘70s artist and producer of soul, to his current and most recognized status as Blowfly, the original purveyor of X-rated rhymes, the man seems to have been destined to have a perpetual, proverbial party in his pants.

For a long time, Washington, D.C. was without a fictional chronicler—someone to tell the stories of its people, not just its politicians. Edward P. Jones made a bid at the role in his 1993 debut collection, Lost in the City, but he claims it outright in his latest book, All Aunt Hagar’s Children, a powerful group of stories about African-Americans adrift in the District of Columbia in the 20th century.

Read and Converse—The Lannan Foundation's annual Readings and Conversations series gets cooking this week with a heated dialog between legendary muckrakers Seymour Hersh and Amy Goodman. Ever since he uncovered the My Lai Massacre in Vietnam in the late '60s, Hersh has been pumping out some of the finest in-depth investigative pieces to be found anywhere. Due in part to his network of sources within the power structure of our federal government, he's been able to write some of the most informative (not to mention terrifying) investigative articles about our war in Iraq.

General Hotdoggery—Yeah, you don't have to tell me twice: Hot dogs and sausage and all their meaty kin are a disturbing lot. If you really think about it (something I try to do as seldom as possible), they're little more than a matrix of pig lips and fannies, finely minced and mechanically extruded into faux intestinal casings. Sounds vile ... but, man, do they taste good. I'm sorry. And I know I'm burning in hell. But I know that at least some of you must be with me, because hot dogs are making a major comeback all across town.