Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Some Words about Words

I have some grammar tips I'd like to offer you, my dear reader, free of charge.Maybe you’ll use them and thank me; maybe you’ll ignore them and
mentally note what an obnoxious grammar Nazi I am.I would, however, ask that the record reflect
the fact that I do not correct people individually for their misuse of the
English language. (Unless you’re my
father, you won’t find me correcting your Facebook postings or your online musings.)But, I see no harm in using my little corner of the internet to offer correction to
anyone who just happens to read it, thereby making me kinder and more
thoughtful than if I corrected you personally.Either way, take the tips or leave ‘em, but
let not ignorance of the (usage) law be your excuse any longer.

1 1. Note that I said these tips are being offered “free
of charge,” not that I’m giving them away “for free,” because that would make
no sense.One cannot give something away
FOR free because “free” is not a thing.One simply gives away.So, instead
of saying “The gas station is giving away coffee mugs for free,” just say “The
gas station is giving away coffee mugs.”Not only is it correct, it uses fewer words, thereby saving you
breath.See, proper grammar can make you
healthier.

2 2. If you decide to use the word “whence,”
which a surprising number of people do, don’t preface it with the word “from.”Sure, it’s commonly used and widely accepted
despite its grammatical shortcomings, but is that really the standard for which
we’re aiming?Let’s shoot for a lack of
redundancy instead.“Whence” means “from
where,” so when you say “from whence,” you are saying, “from from
where,” and I think we can all agree that sounds ridiculous.So, if you must say “whence,” please say “whence”
and only “whence.”

3 3. Don’t say literally unless you
literally mean literally.I was watching
Cupcake Wars tonight, and the judge said that one of the cupcakes was “literally
exploding with patriotism.”While an
exploding cupcake would have made for good television, it didn’t happen.So, rather than literally exploding with patriotism, the contestant’s cupcake simply
figuratively exploded with
patriotism.Which is way different. And probably way less messy.

5 5. Lastly, contractions such as “could’ve”
or “should’ve” are short for “could have” and “should have.”They are not short for “could of” or “should of.”Not only do the latter phrases not make any
sense, they actually use fewer characters (if one counts the apostrophe) than
the purported contraction.Which kind of
defeats the purpose of a contraction.

That’s all for tonight folks.I probably should of stopped sooner, lest you wish for me to crawl back
under the rock from whence I came, but since I’m giving these tips away for
free, you have no place to complain, and I would of literally burst if I didn’t manage to get them all in,
irregardless of whether you like them.

See, it’s possible to use all five errors in one
sentence.Don’t let it happen to
you.

2 comments:

And now I am officially (wait, should I have used "officially" since this is just a comment that's not on real paper nor could ever be notarized?) scared to speak around you for fear that I will sound silly.

"I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble."-Helen Keller

About Beck

I'm a lawyer who recently returned to work (part-time) after staying at home with my kids for the past five and a half years. I am married to an awesome, hardworking man who also happens to be a lawyer. Fortunately, we rarely argue. However, we also have three little litigators in training, and they do argue on a regular basis.

Our oldest is Joshua. He is seven, is an excellent artist and athlete, and wants to be a paleontologist and a rock star when he grows up. Also, he wants to discover a treasure like the guy in National Treasure. Don't we all? Next is Ethan who's five. He is a perfectionist who loves puzzles, games, playing soccer, and giving his mom hugs. He says he wants to be a baseball player when he grows up, though he has never actually played baseball as of yet. Last we have Lauren who is four. She loves to talk and sing and talk and play with her dolls and talk. She plans to be a ballerina or a driver when she grows up, which she says will be when she's 100. For the record, she has never driven.