Look, I just don't have time to dick around with you. The day got away from me, it is VERY BUSY in low-carbon heating solutions this time of year and AS YOU KNOW, my dear weirdos, here in the decarbonization zone where I rest my bodacious butt 5 days a week, things get REAL, and they get real fast. So I didn't eat lunch today which means that I didn't get a chance to finish my weekend guide. So you get half today and half tomorrow, dillrods. Fucking deal with it. Here it is:

OK, jesus, did you make it OK? Here, gimme your hand, lemme pull you up. How was Thanksgiving? R U OK? CAN YOU HEAR ME?!?! That’s right, the holidays are upon us, and for me, this time of year is basically the emotional equivalent of this:

Friday December 4th

Dominic Lavoie opens for a band from Brooklyn, Mobile Steam Unit, at Empire. No, not the hockey player, the guy from Dominic and the Lucid who, fun fact, are working on a new album. Other fun fact, Dominic runs the open mic at Empire on Sundays called “The Couch,” which I think is the nicest open mic night i’ve ever seen. They turn the light rig on and the disco ball is all aflutter and the couch is on the stage and the tables and chairs come out, it’s lovely. Ok, but never mind that, go to the show on Friday. Hoo-dee-doo!

Kafari is back at Bunker Brewing playing solo piano stuff - he does an eclectic mix of classical, jazz and his own compositions. This event is called “Stay Warm!” which is probably fairly easy to do since as of this writing it is about 45 degrees out, so that’s like beach weather up here for you guys.

Hella Good Tacos has Battery Steele with Newbury, Suburban Samurai from Vermont, and Bummed Out. This show is $2, all ages and has tacos. I am still mystified about where they actually put bands in this place, it is not big. Get the chorizo taco it is disgusting and covered in grease and completely delicious. If they have it. I used to try to eat The Lunch, AKA Best Meal of the Day on Days When One Doesn’t Have Access to Brunch, but I got burned every time! Like, I’d order something and then pay for it and then dude would be like, OH by the way, we’re out of guacamole, that’s cool right, you won’t even miss it. And I’m like, well NOW it’s fine, since I’m here and I paid and don’t really have a choice but honestly I’m kind of here for the guacamole, and also how in the fuck is it even a real thing that you’re out of guacamole? Then other times I’d go in and dude would be like, oh if you order the thing you want to order it will take maybe an extra 5 minutes, cool? Sure, cool, this is Maine, not Midtown Manhattan, I can wait for five minutes! But then, 35 minutes later, I’m still hanging out reading Wonkette on my phone and the cook is like, chilling at the counter with a beer delivery dude and I’m like IT’S FINE NO REALLY. Another time they were I guess out of pickled jalapenos so I open up my shit and it has like two raw whole jalapenos just laying across the innards, like, that is not delicious, guy. Whatever, I mean these are certainly first world coddled white person problems for sure, it’s not earth shattering shit, but I don’t go there for lunch anymore because it’s unreliable and I just wanna get in and out and not dick around. However, this appears to be a great place for drinking and hanging out and seeing bands if you are flexible on which taco you get and will be around for a while watching, for instance, the smooth (not really) sounds of Battery Steele. Mkay.

You.

Geno’s has The Restless Atlantic, Sic Vita from Boston, Glass Canyon and The Great North. This is one of those shows where I’m like, dude, if anyone from anywhere else fucking peeled the wool back from their eyes and spent like 5 minutes in Maine they’d see that this like, Thomas Kincaid-y, warm woolen socks and lobster dinners on the yacht vision of New England they have is like, not even a little bit true for 99.9% of the people who live here. Shit’s gritty up here in the north. Come to Geno’s tonight and find out more about that.

OK so PHOME has the ODD BALL which is a fundraiser for Music and Magic Maine, a charity that provides instruments and opportunities for music and creative endeavors for children. You know, for kids!

Anyway, the lineup is A Band Beyond Description, Doug Morgan, Eldemur Krimm Unplugged, The Droimnins, Rijah Newell of Circus Ole, Spark Artists' Collective. I don’t know what most of those are, but Eldemur Krimm Unplugged sounds dope. Unplugged! It’s the 90’s all over again! Anyway if you have any old instruments that you’re no longer using, you can donate them tonight too. Since this is a fundraiser for kids, I’m going to call it as being sort of the 35+ set here tonight, but who the fuck knows. It’s not the hippest thing going on in town tonight, but it is certainly the most earnest.

Here are the rest of the collective leavings of our city, so eager to batten down the hatches for winter and leave us bereft of all but the scant few cover band shows that will inevitably pop up in January. Chin up, babies! There’s only like, what, 5 months of winter left?

Dogfish has Jazz Friday with the Waiters, Asylum has Plague, Flask has LOVE, Blue has Darlin’ Corey, Okbari and the Evan King Group, Salvage has Pete Witham and the Cozmik Zombies and Bayside Bowl has nothing, which is what you are about to become!

Stay tuned for part two tomorrow, kiddos. I am sorry I failed you in this life. Drive safe and not drunk, be good be kind and come see me tomorrow, boobies!!