Everyday actions and dialogue for peace.

When “Action” = Quit

Happy Holidays! It’s been a while since my last post, and I wanted to write one more before the end of 2014.

This year was definitely one of the turning points for me. In May, I left my previous job, after working there for five years. I grew so much through the work experience, learned ins and outs of nonprofit programming and management, and met many wonderful people, some of whom I still keep in touch. But the last few years I had found myself in a highly-contentious, stressful environment, while also procrastinating on my dream of (again) going back to school and pursuing something I love.

After a series of some events, I finally had to make a decision: to stay or to quit. To be honest, I think I was toying with the idea of leaving the job for over a year at that point, but I never acted on it. For one part, I had unconsciously thought that quitting would mean running away. As a Buddhist, I’m always encouraged to face every situation head on, because it is a reflection of my life, indicating that I can polish something within me. The moment I change, the others change, too. I thought that it meant I had to stick around to create a change within me, which would result in a visible transformation of my work environment. I did not want to run away.

Then, after talking to many friends and giving it enough thought, it just occurred to me: I was actually running away by staying in the situation. Well, it does sound like an oxymoron. But I realized that, and I knew this deep inside my heart, I was staying at the job because I was fearful of change – of not having money, or professional title.

I put a quote by Yehudi Menuhin, “Do not calculate your actions out of the darkness of fear,” as my email signature. But in fact I was living in fear, and letting it control my actions. So, knowing that, I quit. To face myself.

It took so much courage to do so, but it was a liberating process. At the job, I gave enough time (i.e. two-month warning) so that I could train other staff and prepare for a rather peaceful transition. I was also able to use my leaving as a catalyst for bringing my (and everyone else’s) concerns to the organization’s leadership. It really turned out to be the best decision – not because I was able to remove myself from the environment where I was unhappy, but because I faced my fear. (It also helped that I had a partner in crime, who left around the same time as I did.)

And the rest is history… I started school in September, and although it is VERY HARD, I cannot be happier. I was also offered a job opportunity around the same time, and now work part-time at my Buddhist organization’s UN Liaison Office, where I work on issues such as nuclear weapons disarmament and culture of peace, based on the humanistic philosophy of Buddhism. In a sense, I am where I’ve always wanted to be. And I know I could not have done all these without the support of my family and friends, especially my husband.

Clearly, not everyone is able to walk away from a job when he or she wants to, nor is it the message. But I’ve learned this year that I must always live fearless. And when I do, the results will follow.

Pugwash seeks a world free of nuclear weapons and other weapons of mass destruction. Through our long-standing tradition of ‘dialogue across divides’ that also earned us the Nobel Peace Prize in 1995, Pugwash aims to develop and support the use of scientific, evidence-based policymaking, focusing on areas where nuclear and WMD risks are present. By facilitating track 1.5 and track II dialogues, we foster creative discussions on ways to increase the security of all sides and promote policy development that is cooperative and forward-looking.