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The Sunday Series (13), with Mark Brodinsky

Courage. Hope. Inspiration. Sometimes you can find all three in the spirit of one special person.

This Sunday you get to meet her.

The Sunday Series (13): Never Be Alone

“When I met him everything changed. I am a confident, independent woman because of him. Grant breathed life into me.” – Penny Kinkade

On June 14th 2013, breathing became difficult. Oxygen was in short supply, as was any sense of rational thought, or glimmer of hope for the future, any future. Grant Kinkade was gone.

Grant and his friend Bob Rust were hit and killed the night of June 14th as they were crossing the road in Fenwick, Delaware. Just weeks before the Kinkade family had purchased their first beach house in Fenwick. Grant was a Senior Partner for New York Life in the Baltimore General Office, Bob was the father-in-law of another Partner in that same office. Today, we are not recounting all the details of what happened, you can read the back story in this post, (http://markbrodinsky.com/2013/06/17/when-tomorrow-never-comes-its-just-about-life/). No today it’s about coming out of the dark.

I never met Bob, but I worked with Grant and met his wife Penny. And that’s where we travel today, on Penny’s road to recovery. Courage, hope, inspiration. As Grant would tell her all the time, “baby steps and small wins”.

It just so happens right before our interview, Penny had gone to do what she had put off for quite some time…picking up the urn where Grant’s ashes will be placed, at least for now. Penny had not wanted to go, she had put off so many things following the loss of the man who called her “pooky” and his “princess”. But Penny says for 2014 this was one of the things she needed to accomplish, handling things one day at a time. But as soon as she had her husband’s ashes in her hands, the past seven months came flooding back, the reality of her life, for which sometimes she says she is still in denial… was more than she could take. She got back in the car, heard the song, “Best Friends”, which meant so much to her and Grant, At that point Penny says she “lost it.” But then, just like she has done over and over and over these past seven months, she collected herself, got it together and was ready to speak to me.

Courage.

Penny and Grant met more than two decades ago, while he was still working at the Giant grocery store. Penny says he “jumped into a bottle of Polo”, the first time they were together, as to mask the scent he picked up at the store. Though I only spoke to Penny on the phone for this interview, I could hear her smile as she recounted those early days. “He didn’t always smell the best”, she said, “he smelled from the job, but the Polo made it better.” Years later, when Penny would ask Grant why he smelled so good he would tell her it wasn’t the Polo, it was the “Dove soap”. 🙂

A certain scent, a familiar smell can invoke a special memory, yet now that’s all Penny has left. The couple was 32 days shy of their 20th wedding anniversary when Grant was taken from this world. Penny compares her own life with Grant to the classic Hollywood couple, George Burns and Gracie. The legendary comedian George Burns was the down-to-earth realist, Gracie his wife, the sometimes scatter-brained dreamer. That’s how many marriages work best, the hot-and-the-cold, the ying-and-the-yang, the black-and-the-white. Penny says she and Grant could trade jabs with the greatest of ease, but always had so much respect for one another, especially when it came to allowing each other to do what they enjoyed.

Penny loved to dance. Grant could care less. She says Grant would always say he was “taking one for the team”, when he took her dancing. Grant had a classic line for everything. Penny would dance, he would watch and then rescue her when her other dance partners got a little too close for comfort. Or Penny said he simply had to just go get her so they could leave, because she couldn’t stop dancing, or talking. “Let’s go, we gotta go, we’re getting old here”, he would say.

In turn, Grant loved to hang out with the boys, many of those “boys” were the members of his team, the group of agents he led at New York life. The rule was if Grant called Penny, it meant it was her time to go pick him up. No drinking and driving. They would always keep each other safe.

It’s one of the things the Kinkade children wonder about now. Her son Tucker recently told Penny, “you did everything you could to make sure you and Dad didn’t get hurt, how come that family, (the one driving the car that killed Grant), didn’t?”

It’s a question many are asking. But the question of “why” will forever be one that is not easy to answer and troubles Tucker and Penny’s other children, Madison and Shelby. Penny says sometimes it’s a perfect storm of grief. Yet it’s Penny who has tried at times to mask the grief from her children. She’s the one hiding in the closet to cry until she is called to help with a family activity, or to answer a question, then wipe the tears and appear to be calm and collected. Friends are telling her it’s ok to show the sadness, after all the kids need to see just how much their parents loved each other.

Talking to Penny there is little doubt about devotion and endless love. Grant was a big man, but despite his gruff exterior and imposing presence, he had the softest of hearts for his wife, son and daughters. He never forgot his most important responsibilities were husband, father, coach, provider. He was meticulous, a planner and a success story, having gone from the grocery store to become an insurance agent, then moving up the ranks to Senior Partner. His “minions” as Penny called them, loved him as much as his own family did. Current and former agents are telling her stories of how Grant changed their lives and continues to do so, even after his passing. What others may have taken for granted, they are now embracing simply because of what happened to the Kinkade family.

Penny says so many people tell her how they now go home earlier to spend time with their family, they don’t work so hard, they live in the moment, they make sure they are family-focused because they realize how lives can be changed in an instant. “I’m happy for them”, says Penny, “but so sad we had to experience this loss for others to find out what is important. I always believed everything happens for a reason, but I’m not really getting it right now. I’m really having a hard time understanding why this happened. Not just Grant, but Bob too. Bob beat cancer and everybody loved him. Two amazing people gone in one fell swoop. Wow. They made such an impact here on earth, maybe God wanted them to be with him.”

At times that faith and belief carries Penny through the day. Other times it’s therapy, books and friends who are helping Penny to cope. You don’t spend 23 years with someone, lose him and then a little more than half-a-year later suddenly see the world as rosy, but Penny has already overcome a significant challenge. She is coming out of the dark, her own rage. It’s a lesson she says she wants to share.

“It almost happened to me”, says Penny. I almost let anger consume me. I started hating everything. I hated that the trees were green, the grass was green, everything and anything I saw and it scared me. I always told Grant I am a survivor. I am not the little engine that could, I am the little engine that can.” And so Penny is making it happen, for herself, for her children and for life. “It sucks he is not here and I hate he is not here. But I have such a zest for life. Grant always told me baby steps and small wins, baby steps and small wins. All you need is a win and you will rock whatever you decide to do.”

So Penny is making her decision to tackle the challenges before her head on. As the calendar turns to 2014 she is committed to tackling one thing at a time, day by day. On the day we spoke it was the challenge of picking up the urn, “a win”, she says. It’s one more thing she can check off her list of challenges, emotional, mental and even physical to keep her life and the lives of Madison, Shelby and Tucker moving forward.

Penny says she and Grant were not a “normal couple” because they had been together so long. Then again, “normal” is relative for any relationship. It’s all about love, conviction, dedication and compromise. Penny says Grant kept her on track. “I was always running late and he hated that, but he dealt with it because it was me. I would get lost a lot, I could get lost in my own backyard. Grant was my compass, my moral compass, he was my everything. I’m starting over again. I’m on the see-saw but it’s not moving, because I don’t have a counterpart. Who is going to get me like he did? He just got me, he just did.”

What Penny may not realize, but I could tell in the time we spoke, is just how far she has come. She is able to perfectly articulate her situation, talk about the accident, talk about the challenges she and her children face and I could hear the sadness and sense of loss in her voice, but also that of determination. Like Penny says she has a “zest for life” and as she reminds herself of that and all that she needs to accomplish. She also realizes she is doing the one thing Grant would want her to do, to carry on, she has something to prove to him. “I’m doing this for him”, says Penny. “He is happy now, he was sad because he had to leave us, but I know he is happy now. And I’m doing this for him. I want him to see I can do this. I want him to know I was always listening. I was paying attention. Baby steps and small wins.”

Sometimes the synergy with this blog and the Sunday Series is off the charts. When Penny spoke of Grant as being her compass, I was quickly reminded of a video I saw just a few days before from the group Lady Antebellum. The name of that song? Compass. Those lyrics are as if Grant were speaking to Penny. I’m including some of them here, but I challenge you to click on the You Tube link below, then get ready to stand up, clap your hands, dance, and celebrate, because that’s what Grant would have wanted.

I knew Grant well enough to know he would not want any pity parties… just a reason to party and then get out there and make life happen. Just like Penny is doing for him now. “I’m an extension of Grant”, she says. Which means his heart will go on.

Baby steps and small wins.

You want to give up cause it’s dark, we’re really not that far apart.
So let your heart, sweetheart, be your compass when you’re lost,
you should follow it wherever it may go.
When it’s all said and done, you can walk instead of run,
cause no matter what you’ll never be alone.
Never be alone
– Compass, lyrics by Lady Antebellum

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Blog Reviews

Love seeing new blogs hit the ground running like this one (by a dad no less), but I also urge anyone vaguely interested in blogging to stay tuned, I am. Good luck on your journey – glad that I am along for the ride.

Rachel Blaufeld

Great blog Mark! I always appreciate reading what you have to say. You are very gifted and talented and hopefully someday you’ll not just blog, but write a book.

Stephen Koncurat

I’m definitely along for the ride. We’ve all seen how much damage the written word can inflict. More positive writers are needed. And I love how you are using your personal experiences – those with your wife and children – and your gift of writing to open eyes and to inspire others.

Victoria Endicott

Absolutely beautifully written! The girls in your life must be very proud of you. Thanks for sharing Mark, I look forward to reading more!

Gina Glick Jolson

Very shortly this site will be famous amid all blogging and site-building users, due to it’s pleasant posts.

Leila Galloway

Absolutely beautiful! Are you at all thinking of penning a book? You’ve got a fan base out there that really thinks you should Mark. You write so eloquently. Glad that I got onto this site.

Marilyn Lefkowitz

Mark, You are truly a gifted writer and obviously, a special father and husband . Always a delight to read your words.

I’m speechless…beautiful words flow from your heart just like a gentle waterfall into a tranquil stream… thank you so much for the friend request I was blessed the day I clicked confirm.

Lynne Turner Dorsey

From your first writing in 4th grade entitled “People” which was published in the school newspaper, you have always been able to write. Never more so than when you started “Caringbridge” and now your blog, everyone who reads says what a wonderful writer you are. Our DREAM for you is to become an author and encourage people every day. You are by the far the best and we hope and pray you reach your dream.

Bonnie Brodinsky

I know you always thank us for reading but I would like to say thanks for writing.

Stuart Abell

Great piece. You are an inspiration!

Rob Commodari

Mark I just wanted to let you know that you are succeeding in your “ultimate goal”. I have gained so much from your blogs. I look forward to reading them for the special lift that they give me. Thank you.

Amy F.

I love waking up and starting my day with my coffee and your blog! It a great way to start my day with positive uplifting thoughts!! It puts me in a positive frame of mind throughout the day and allows me to reflect on my personal life, make changes, and grow !!!

Gayle Blank

You are quite talented Mark. Thanks for sharing!

Cynthia

I always look forward to your Blog Mark. Thanks for sharing and as you always do, make it a great / remarkable Day!

Chuck Connolly

Thanks for your Blog Mark. It is fun, encouraging and a nice break from a day full of ups and downs.

Jackie Hetrick

With my busy schedule, there is (sadly) little time for reading. But I have two must-reads every time I come across them, the sports section and your blogs. Keep inspiring and following your dream!

Ed Nemec

Mark, you are a truly remarkable individual. You do speak from your heart, I can’t wait to read your book. You are an incredible writer.

Debbie Press

Mark, I am glad I clicked on your post this morning, which lead me to your writing, your goal.
Would like to connect. This speaks to me.

Aileen Braverman

I can’t wait to read the book. I have followed all the blogs and feel so good that I know u guys. You make me cry but you make me laugh too. All the very best to you!

Beverlee Rendelman

Connect with Mark!

WOW!!! It Takes 2 is a must read for anyone who has known someone diagnosed with cancer or other life threatening disease. This is the real story of a family lead by an incredible woman, Debbie Brodinsky, who took radical steps to beat the breast cancer beast. The story is told by her husband, Mark Brodinsky, through journal entries he kept starting with diagnosis through one year cancer free. This author's unique ability to pour his heart out onto the page draws you in from the beginning and holds you until the very end.

Thanks to Mark and Debbie Brodinsky for this gift...I have a new perspective on what it means to be a breast cancer survivor. You are a hero, Debbie Brodinsky!

TeeBThree
September 25, 2013

This book gives a heartfelt, in depth description of what it is like to go through breast cancer with the one you love. It is beautifully written and I felt as though I was living it with them! I highly recommend this book!

Jgs17September 24, 2013

In It Takes 2, Mark Brodinsky windows us into his world where his wife, the cancer patient, is not the only victim. Part journal, part roadmap, It Takes 2 goes to the real humanity of facing the mortality of one's better half. Mark's candid perspective, love, and fierce intention resonate with hope in a story which is about much more than cancer. Mark himself is perhaps the most heroic character for the way he appreciates this life and so many of us in it...as he says, "thanks for caring."

Réné PallaceSeptember 24, 2013

It Takes Two: A Spouse's Story by Mark Brodinsky should be read by every person who is experiencing serious illness or injury or by a loved one of someone who is experiencing either of those situations. The book is an eloquent testament to the power of love and the healing energy derived from the belief that things will get better. There is not one word of "poor me" from the author or his wife who suffered breast cancer and the radical surgery she elected to have to beat the cancer. Rather, the book is a celebration of the courage displayed by them both in seeing it through.

The book also encourages readers to speak and write down their true feelings and be validated in them. John Mackovic writing in the Palm Springs, CA Desert Sun on November 2, 2013 quoted author and artist Doe Zantamata who said, " To be happy, you don't have to do anything new. You just have to remember how to believe again...Believe everything good is possible. Believe in your dreams. Believe in people. Believe in love. But most of all...believe in yourself." The author, his wife, their family and extended family and friends never stopped believing in his wife's recovery, and I think, in themselves. Read this book and believe.

Paul A. RiecksNovember 4, 2013

This book is a must read for anyone with a family member with breast cancer. It takes you through the spouse's perspective from diagnosis to recovery. Mark journaled his wife's journey and put all of his emotions out there. It is beautifully written and inspiring to anyone going through breast cancer. Thank you, Mark for sharing Debbie's story.

Jmu1109October 23, 2013

A friend recommended this book. This was a great perspective of a man standing beside his partner and passing along to the reader fear, hope, useful information and a broader story than his own. I loved Vinnie the tattoo artist. This is a great book. Thanks for sharing, Mark and "thanks for caring"

Blahsan

This book is a must read. What sets this book apart from other books about surviving breast cancer is that it is told by the husband and his point of view, not from the survivor. At times sad, at times poignant but even through the worst of it you can always feel the love he has for his wife, her strength and the strength of their extended family and friends. The posts that are included from their friends and family lets you really into the heart and strength of the family. I would recommend this book to anyone who is currently going through this, whether you are the person or the caregiver. I also recommend this book to anyone who has a friend that has been or is currently going through their fight now. It was an eye opener for me.

L. BogashSeven Valleys, PA

There isn't a shortage of books about breast cancer, but most are written from the perspective of the person who has battled cancer or a physician or other expert. What an enlightening experience to read about breast cancer from a husband and caregiver's perspective! Not only does the author give us insight into his wife's experience and emotions, but he openly shares and reveals his love, compassion, support, and, yes, sometimes anger at the disease as he stands by his wife's side during their journey to beat the beast. Your story may not be the same, but I guarantee if you have a loved one battling cancer, you won't go wrong reading It Takes 2.

PattiMSeptember 25, 2013

From the moment I opened this book I never stopped reading. Mark invites the reader to come along on this journey that his family went through. I cried, laughed and learned so much. This book will give comfort and knowledge to those going through similar situations. Most importantly, Mark and his family never give up. They get knocked down and get right back up. They fought cancer together and with their strength, determination and will to prevail... They do!

It’s always about the smile and this time it’s personal: The 4th installment of The Sunday Series iTunes Podcast, is dedicated to my father-in-law and great friend Jerry Gross who we lost to esophageal cancer in 2009. Diagnosed in June of that year he was gone by November. But the memory of what he meant […]

It’s life. You live it – or at least you try – and when faced with circumstances which appear to go beyond what most others have to deal with, you take what is in your control and give it everything you’ve got. It’s all you can do and live with the knowledge that you tried […]