Saffa diaries; on Halloween, Guy Fawkes, tea and open windows

Now, many people may wonder what these things have to do with each other, and, fair enough. The following have not been as much adventures as they have been eye-openers for a fairly down-to-earth African in the UK.

The common thread, as you will see as you read on, is that these are all things which are treated completely differently here. So differently, in fact, that it takes a little bit of time to fully absorb how different they are. This article is kind of like a little game of “spot the odd one out” as three of the four are just weird and the fourth is logical. Let’s start and see whether you can work it out….

Britain is big on holidays. I’m not going to lie – there were Christmas decorations in shops in October. Having said that, I was blown away by how people here celebrate Halloween. Every shop, regardless of what it sells, has window dressing – witches’ hats, pumpkins, ghosts, cobwebs…though some can just skip cleaning for a week and it’s a pretty effective DIY look. This country seems to be crawling with spiders. EVERYWHERE. Even my beloved Tescos got into the holiday spirit with decor on all of the self-checkouts and dangling from the isle names. However, nothing compares to the experience of walking the streets of London on Halloween night. It’s like a scene from the Walking Dead meets the Adam’s Family. Everywhere you look, there are zombies, vampires, ghosts…people here REALLY get into dressing up in a BIG way.

I mean, why wouldn’t you paint your entire body and wear contact lenses that make you look like a bona fide werewolf? In SA, I went Trick or Treating once, when my Mother deemed me old enough to go out with a group of friends and not get abducted (she was very protective when it came to stranger danger, and rightly so). Long story short, when I actually got people to answer their intercoms (because who has front door access?) I received weird looks and my most prized Halloween winnings included a bar of chocolate and a bag of dried fruit. Kids here have it easy, man.

This however, pales in comparison to Guy Fawkes. Now, I know in SA it’s a bit of a controversial holiday, especially since it has a negative effect on animals and causes numerous fires, but here it seems that people stay within designated areas and just go bat-shit crazy with any firework they can access. Let me explain – the first night of fireworks was not, in fact, the 5th November. No…it was about a week before. I was sitting on the couch and I almost fell off because I seriously thought I heard gun shots…until my husband saw the sheer panic on my face and informed me that in fact, the noises that were very close and very loud were fireworks. He then laughed because only a South African would assume a firework could be a gunshot in the ‘burbs. However, the fireworks were not to end…for the next 2 weeks.

I have come to the conclusion that this must be the result of the general population of the United Kingdom being law-abiding citizens. It’s as if as soon as they get permission to do something dangerous within the bounds of the law, their eyes glaze over and they cease to care about anything other than setting stuff alight and watching it burn. On a previous holiday, I saw a 2 storey high wooden construction (built specifically for this purpose) set alight in a park and burn to the ground while families watched with glee. Celebration? Yes. Creepy as all hell from the outside? Hells yeah. I do start to worry that all of this conformity must lead to some weird behaviours, and when weird behaviours are associated with fire, this does tend to worry me a little more.

On a different more general point, and particularly pertinent as Winter draws in here in the Northern hemisphere, we come to the British attitude towards windows. Now, at home, windows are things we wake up in the morning and open to receive this thing called “fresh air”. It’s free, helps your home to not smell musty and allows the outdoors in a little. Sounds good right? Not here it doesn’t. No. Once Winter starts to settle, windows become strong barriers that protect innocent civilians from the cold. CLOSED windows are in fact that first line of defence against nature, which at this time of year is largely seen as the enemy. I have been told by every person that I know that lives here that opening windows is a sure way to hate your life and freeze to death in your home. So much for fresh air…so the choice appears to be either to freeze OR suffocate in your own home smell. I have to say, it’s going to have to be freeze. I think that may be one Saffa habit that’s harder to break.

And lastly, but surely not least, is tea. I always laughed when people spoke about the British and tea. I thought they must just be joking about the amount consumed on a daily basis, much like the way people overseas might believe that babies here pop out with scones in their hands. I must confess, I have been blown away. Even though in SA we love the stuff, tea as a concept has completely changed in my mind. Tea functions as a body warmer, the answer to a problem, the facilitator of conversation and thought, a social lubricant (not in the way you think…and not in the way you’re thinking about now either) and a general foundation for civilised society. If someone is in your home, whether they are a builder, a plumber, a friend, a colleague or family member, not offering tea is actually an affront. It’s amazing.

It seems like tea has developed some esoteric nature that renders it socially and politically essential. Heaven’s knows what would happen if there was a shortage. There would be riots in the streets, people screaming, busses being burnt…the country may collapse. All sense of order would be abandoned and life would fall apart. Thankfully, this is not on the horizon. There’s a great advert on TV at the moment about Yorkshire tea that, I kid you not, evokes a kind of county and national pride I’ve only seen in political adds in SA. It’s mind blowing!

So as for which is the odd one out, to be honest, I am still unsure. I had an idea that tea may be the winner, but the strange obsession with the brew still has me fascinated. So I think it may be best to leave it to you to decide…after all, these little discoveries are magical in themselves, and I may just need a cup of tea and a quiet moment of contemplation to figure it out. I shall chalk it up to my little contribution towards naturalization on this little island for today.