Learning Along the Way

So here’s the deal. Since I started my journey of being intentional about building my friendships and my community, so much good stuff has happened. I’ve reconnected with old friends. I’ve become more aware of potential new friendships, and I’m actually reaching out to make those connections. I’m growing my emotional capacity to be available, to sit and listen and share with a girlfriend.

But the most surprising thing I’ve learned about myself is that I’m actually scared of authenticity. That surprises me because I thought I was always ABOUT authenticity. But I’m realizing that I get scared when people bare their souls to me. I don’t know why I get scared. Do I feel responsible to… to FIX things somehow? Or is it that hearing their vulnerability triggers my own vulnerabilities and makes me want to run? I think THAT is what scares me. When someone becomes vulnerable with me, I want to run away because I don’t always want to face my own vulnerability. There’s something about someone trusting me enough to be authentic and vulnerable with you, that makes me feel like I need to do the same. And in those times when I don’t feel ready to be truthful with myself, authenticity is downright scary.

The good thing about recognizing my fear is that it explains why I sometimes put up walls without even realizing it. It explains why some of my friendships have never progressed any deeper than they have. It’s because I ran scared. It wasn’t them. It was me.

The Silver Lining

Now that I know that my own vulnerability scares me, and that it hinders my ability to truly embrace my girlfriends when they are being authentic, I can do something about it. I can choose to embrace my own vulnerability. I’m human after all. I can now choose love and acceptance over fear when my girlfriends bare their highest highs or lowest lows. I can even choose to just SIT with the discomfort of being authentic, to sort of lean into it, as Brené Brown says. At least I think it’s Brené who says it. But I can sit in that uncomfortable, vulnerable, authentic place and not rush to resolve it the discomfort. I can wait on the process to unfold.

So at the end of the day, truly loving myself and truly loving my girlfriends means that I can accept the reality of where we are, yearn to become the better version of ourselves, AND acknowledging that we’re on a path from here to there.

And so my journey continues.

Ask Yourself:

Do you have any girlfriends who are vulnerable and authentic with you? How does it make you feel? Does it have any impact on your own authenticity with your safe people?

OK. So maybe vulnerability isn’t the ENTIRE path to true friendship. Maybe vulnerability is the road surface on the path to true friendship. Or maybe it’s some of the curves we have to navigate as we build true friendships. But let me give you an example of when I had to choose vulnerability and thereby choose truth and authenticity.

So my friends and I were trying to schedule a virtual meet-up, just to reconnect and catch up. Two weeks passed and we were still struggling to set a date and time that would work for all of us busy ladies. I was frustrated, annoyed and irritated. My text messages became more and more abrupt despite my attempts to be nice or at least, neutral. My friends – who’ve known me pretty much all my life – smelled the fakeness and called me out on it in their responding texts

At first I was defensive. Then the Holy Spirit tapped me on the shoulder and I had to get really honest with myself. My irritation, my annoyance, my frustration – all that was just a cover up. In truth, I was anxious and scared. I was very emotionally invested in catching up with my friends again, and I was deeply afraid it wouldn’t happen. In fact, I had subconsciously begun to believe that our lives now so far apart that we wouldn’t be able to reconnect.

I struggled to find the words to express myself in a text message. I simply could not figure out what to say without sounding just… well, pathetic. Then I clearly felt the Lord whisper to my heart:

“Just tell them the truth, Nicky.”

“The truth?”

“Yes. Be authentic. Be vulnerable. Tell them the truth.”

“Vulnerable????”

“Yes, vulnerable.”

“But if I do that they will know how I actually FEEL!”

Silence. Then:

“I’ve called you to vulnerability.”

Seriously God??? Great. Awesome. All I’m trying to do is to set a simple Skype date and now I’m having to tell my friends how I FEEL. Because I need to practice vulnerability. And God actually wants me to be VULNERABLE.

I took a deep breath, then began my text:

“I’m very sorry for being impatient. That was a bad way of masking my anxiety about us meeting and my fear that it won’t happen. I’m really sorry.”

I don’t know why it was so hard for me to admit to these women who have been my friends for most of my lifetime, that I was feeling scared that I no longer fit into their life. Scratch that. I know why I was scared. I was scared of being rejected. That fear made me feel vulnerable. And feeling vulnerable is one of the most scary emotions ever.

But that’s the risk we take when we’re reaching out to build friendships and community.

We won’t receive if we don’t give. We don’t get if we don’t ask. Asking for what we want make us vulnerable because when we ask, we’re letting someone else know that we want, need something. It feels like we’re giving someone power over us. And we don’t like feeling that someone else may have power over our happiness. Plus, vulnerability leads to the possibility of rejection. We don’t like rejection. We fear it.

I’m not yet sure of how to get over the fear of being vulnerable. I’m not even sure I’m supposed to get over that fear. But here’s what I do know:

God intended for us to live in community

It’s natural to be afraid of vulnerability.

Fear of being vulnerable and fear of rejection are not good excuses for hiding from the healthy, nurturing relationships we need to be whole, healthy people.

God loves us as we are. Even when we experience rejection from another human being, we can find healing and security in the fact that He NEVER. EVER. Rejects us.

The old story is played-out. It hasn’t served me well. It’s time to create a new story.

I was maybe 10 years old. Angela* (not her real name) was a new girl in school. I befriended her and showed her the ropes. We ate lunch together and I introduced her to my friends. Pretty soon we became best friends. Then she began to make her own friends, friends who weren’t my friends. Eventually we were no longer BFFs. Ultimately, we were no longer even friends.

That scenario played itself out several times throughout my entire school life. I’d help to make the new girl feel welcome, we’d become best friends. Then she’d make her own friends and suddenly I would no longer be in her inner circle.

Somewhere during that process I unconsciously created a story in my head.

That story went like this: I am too boring to be anybody’s friend. I am not interesting enough, exciting enough, outgoing enough, or whatever-enough, for anyone to be my friend over the long haul.

Over the years that toxic story has replayed in my head over and over again. I subconsciously approach every new potential friendship with the expectation that it won’t last. And surprise… some friendships DON’T last. But it’s not because I’m dull, or boring, or whatever. Many times it’s because I withdraw in order to protect myself from imagined disappointment. The story in my head becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Now that I’ve finally figured out this unhelpful, untrue story living in my head, it’s time to silence it. It’s time to refute that lie that keeps me isolated from the potential life-giving, soul-sustaining relationships God wants me to enjoy. It’s time to stop trying to shield myself from the fear of being hurt and rejected.

It’s time to create a new story.

So now, I’m creating a new story by reminding myself of the truth of who I am and what I have to offer. I remind myself that there are friends who have remained friends, that some friendships won’t stand the test of time, and that it’s not always about me. And that’s ok.

I create a new story by intentionally reaching out to build new connections and rebuild old ones.

I create a new story by remembering that I’m in relationship with a God who loves me. He loves meso much that He gave His Son to DIE for me. If I’m worth that much to Him, then I must be worthy of friendship. I must be worthy of connection.

Questions for You and Your GirlFriend Tribe:

What is the story in your head about yourself?

What is the story in your head about your friendships?

Is it time for you to create a new story?

Come join the conversation in The GirlFriend Tribe on Facebook. It’s a closed community of women of faith. We’re all there are sharing the ups and downs of our journey as we work and pray to build better friendships and better community in our offline lives.

So here’s the deal: lasting friendships don’t just happen out of the blue. You need one key ingredient in the journey of building your tribe: INTENTION.

Caring community doesn’t magically spring up all by itself. I don’t have kids, but I imagine that building and nurturing friendships kinda like giving birth and then raising the baby: a whole lot of time, effort, care, pain – and joy.

I think the effort and the time factor is why it has been easy for me to push building community to the back burner over the past couple of years.

As a married woman I’m emotionally invested in building and maintaining that relationship.

I lead a ministry at my church and that takes what’s left of my emotional and mental energy.

At the end of the day, I just feel tired. I’m not interested in investing in friendships. I want to invest in my couch watching house flips on HGTV. I want friendship and community to be there for me, but I want it to be easy and stress-free. I’ve done enough work.

Does the doggie show intention?

But that’s not how it works. We need to build friendships and community. We must maintain them. Work and pray to repair if they are broken. Grieve them if they are lost. Friendships and community require our time, our effort and emotional and spiritual investment.

We need to make that investment. Why? Because God created us to live in community. He designed us to do life together, not in isolation. We become better individuals when we are part of a vital, vibrant community of people who care about us and allow us to care about them.

I’ve allowed my community to shrink to me, my husband and those ever-repeating HGTV house flips. And my soul has been shriveling up.

Here’s my step one: I’m learning to become intentional about building friendships and community.

I keep reminding myself that lasting relationships don’t happen by accident or wishful thinking. I have to actually step out build them, one encounter at a time.

What does that Intention look like for me?

I have to make relationships a priority. Building community has to become interwoven in my outlook, my goals, my calendar.

Intention – Schedule your girlfriend meetups

I have to risk sharing what’s on my heart and ask people to come alongside me and support me on my journey. Which means that people will be there to cheer me on AND hold me accountable. Scary! But here’s one reason it’s worth it: as I share my journey with other women, I’m pretty much hearing a chorus of ‘Me too!’

So here’s what I want you to hear:

Intention becomes intention when it is lived out loud.

And when you live Intention out loud, it helps attract the other travelers who will be with you on the journey you’re taking.

Questions for You and Your GirlFriend Tribe

Are you intentional about building and maintaining your friendships and community?

How can you set your intention and live it out loud?

Have you asked the Lord to give you the courage to become intentional about building your tribe?