30 Reject Reports Or Less

30 Reject Reports on the wall. 30 Reject Reports. You take one down, pass it around…I really thought about going through all 30 lines of lyric to that 100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall, but then I figured you’d probably just skip ahead anyway. So allow me.

30 Minutes or Less. Final Destination 5 IN 3-FRIGGIN-D!The Help. Glee IN 3-FRIGGIN-D! Yeah, they’re all hitting big this weekend, and some of them are sure to have a decent enough opening. But those apes, man.

They’ve got the box office on primate lock-down, and they’re not letting anyone take the crown away from them. So before you ask “Why Cookie Rocket?” and start to debate me, think really hard about what that means. Then consider this. Why NOT Cookie Rocket? Why the hell not?

BIG HITTERS

Let’s just get death out of the way, so we can go back to having fun, shall we? Final Destination 5 is coming off a franchise that has progressively gotten more lucrative with each entry. The opening weekends have gone from $10m for 2000’s Final Destination all the way up to $27.4m for 2009’s The Final Destination. That addition of the word “the” brought them a cool $17.4m, huh? This time, though, I say it’s time to take a step back. A little step. You wouldn’t want to slip on something and start a series of tiny events that would make Rube Goldberg freak out with giddy excitement.

They’ve dropped the “The” for the title of this new film, so history dictates it can’t have as big an opening as the last film. That’s just silly reasoning, but the result will probably be just as real. Expect Final Destination 5 to hit somewhere in the mid $20ms. It could beat The Final Destination’s opening, but it will be close either way.

30 Minutes or Less is NOT 30 minutes long. If it were, it could play 18 times a day and bring in roughly $1b this weekend. Still, the 82 minutes it actually takes ensures a healthy number of screenings per day. Plus it has the added bonus of being from the guy who brought us Zombieland, Ruben Fleisher. That film brought in $24.7m in its opening weekend, but zombies are about as much a box office draw as the word “The” in your title. Star Danny McBride isn’t exactly a box office lightning rod, as indicated by the $9.3m Your Highness opened with, but Jesse Eisenberg could all but make up for that. It’s another R-rated comedy, and unless you’re The Change-Up – a film which doesn’t even look likely to get into the top 10 here in its second weekend – chances are good you’ll have a hefty opening take. Expect low $20ms from 30 Minutes or Less.

I seriously thought about putting the video for t.a.t.u.’s 30 Minutes here, but no one should be subjected to that. So here’s the 30 Minutes or Less trailer, a whole lot funnier, and it features a quote from our very own Cole Abaius. And it’s said out loud all dramatic-like.

Glee the 3D Concert Movie is finally upon us. Long ago, the ancient ones foretold of this day, and they were mocked into self exile. This day, today, they have their musical revenge, and the waiting world will never be the same. Really, though, how bad can Glee the 3D Concert Movie be? I mean, I don’t like Glee. Or bad covers of Journey. Or many concert movies. And I’m not a big fan of Jane Lynch. But, look, this isn’t for me. It’s for you, so go check it out. The ancient ones will be proud. Meanwhile, I’ll be fortifying my condo for the day they attack. Oh, box office? $11.8m.

Also opening wide is The Help. Yeah, I know how that reads, but I’m leaving it, mkay? It actually opened Wednesday and is bringing in some surprisingly positive reviews. But when you think about it, of course it is. It has Emma Stone in it. How bad could it really be? She made Ghosts of Girlfriends Past watchable for God’s sake. It’ll be a toss-up which does better, this or the Glee movie. Cue flipping a coin in 3…2…

FAMILIARITIES

But all of those movies aside, it’s going to be Apes on the rise once again. And what’s going to be the main culprit it allowing Rise of the Planet of the Apes to do so? Is it James Franco? Is it the amazing work on Caesar from Andy Serkis and Weta Digital? Is it a captivating story told with solid direction that results in an intelligent and exciting Summer blockbuster? None of these, really. It’s people who haven’t seen it wondering just what the hell “Why Cookie Rocket?” really means. That’s good for an additional $5m on top of what it would have already made. Easy. Regardless of what it is, though, Rise will absolutely be #1 again and good thing, too.

LITTLE OPENERS

Opening in limited release are Littlerock opening in New York City, Senna opening in New York and L.A., Arakshan opening in select cities, and Over Your Cities Grass Will Grow opening in New York City.

Here’s how the weekend is shaping up:

Rise of the Planet of the Apes – $34.6m (-36.8%)

Final Destination 5 – $25.4m NEW

30 Minutes or Less – $21.2m NEW

The Help – $12m NEW

Glee the 3D Concert Movie – $11.8m NEW

The Smurfs – $11.5m (-44.4%)

Crazy, Stupid, Love. – $7.8m (-34.2%)

Captain America: The First Avenger – $7.1m (-45.1%)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 – $6.3m (-48.8%)

Cowboys & Aliens – $5.9m (-62%)

This gives us a $143.6m weekend, another decline from a previous weekend but not quite as sharp as you might expect with the days of Summer now in our rear view. It’s also not bad considering the #1 movie is likely to be a returning champion and not even one that’s breaking records. And if something misfires, if Glee ends up dropping a $45m nuke on the industry, there’s just one thing that will have to be said. Why Bad Movie Audiences? Look, this meme has about a 3-day shelf-life. I’ve got to strike while it’s hot.

Jeremy's been writing about movies for a good, 15 years, starting with the film review column of his high school newspaper. He stands proud as the first person in his high school to have seen (and recommend) Pulp Fiction. Jeremy went on to get a B.A. in Cinema and Photography with a minor in journalism. His experience and knowledge of film is aided by the list of 6600 films he has seen in his life (so far). Jeremy's belief is that there are no bad films, just unrealized possibilities. Except Batman and Robin. That shit was awful.

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