Journal

SEPTEMBER

In the time of my primary school, start of September wasn’t a happy time, it marked the time to go back to “the cage”, stressful time, because that place really wasn’t my world. My anchor was rusting in there.

And I still get that uncomfortable feeling. But this time is a little different, that tightness occurs because of the knowing that there comes the time of the year when the nature will turn again. The lake and river waters will start to get freezing cold, unable to have morning and evening swims, and the warmth from the ground will “sink” deep into the soil, not warming my bare feet for some time. The sound of the birds started to get different already and some of them are probably already preparing to take off – just like so many of the guests from the whole world who gather at lake Bled and Kranjska Gora and join the yoga circles and bring me the world of their own, share the intimacy even though we know each other for just couple of minutes. All of this, nature inside of nature, to me is priceless. In all of this I find so much inspiration. With September it all starts to transform, it turns into another part of the cycle and circle – the one that is a bit more challenging. The one that is connected to a closure, death and darkness, shadows… The one that goes into depth, just like a river that flows into the hidden grounds of Karst land.

Last year it was the hardest so far. “The transition”. It took my breath away (literally), it felt like the rope that was holding my anchor tore appart. And it tore into pieces, unable to glue it back together, just like it was. It was “rusted and fragile”. I still remember how it’s started to rain on the 1st of September and it kept on raining for the whole month. Just like nature was giving me space and time, and watered me, because I wasn’t able to cry. My time stopped. I was unable to digest everything that happened to me in the last two years and what all of a sudden opened from my depth. The hardest came from the last kick, which was the need to do the things that scared me the most, to say goodbye to the parts that were only a part of the past, goodbye to the parts that I thought I was but wasn’t, and goodbye to the ones that came back to clean certain parts and move on.

I hit the “rock bottom” of my own depth, the one that you are not able to see and therefore you can’t expect. The grounds that break your ego appart and the same ones who open everything that is underneath of that armor.

Last September my breath was so unknown to me, so fragile. I simply forgot how it is to “take the life” in, to breathe with my full lungs. From all the books and the intensive yoga explorations – I forgot everything that I studied and read. All of this “knowledge” that I had for others, vanished. It was an illusion. It wasn’t anchored, because in its deep core this wasn’t the “knowledge”, it was just a theory memorized, just like you can memorize a poem. None of this wasn’t felt by a soul – the whole being. It was just a “book”, waiting to be felt, not read.

For instance – take someone who just memorizes a poem, just words. Nothing else. Something that we all needed to do in school. And another one, who really gets the words from the poem, feels it by heart. Imagine these two reading a poem to you. It would feel like there in front of you would be two totally different words and worlds. One will make you think about all of the other things than the words being spoken in front of you, and the second one might acutally make you cry, think about all of this, written and spoken. When heart starts to understand things, it’s like a whole universe opens.

Last year, I felt like I was going back to school. This time into totally different one, the one that really shows you how to breathe, feel, learn, explore, reflect,… such a simplicity that is so hard to understand. I started everything, all of this “journey” from the beginning. And in this period of one year, I started to see things open in front of my eyes, expand – I started to come back to the knowledge some people were teaching me years ago, and understand in a totally different way – at that time that understanding was just on the surface, since everything was so deeply covered with ego and mind.

All of this depth gave me my best school so far, yet also the hardest.

I am grateful to my teachers (and teachers who are also coming my way), who gave me knowledge (the seed). Well, I couldn’t understand it back in the day (neither some I can’t understand yet), but it was waiting for the right moment somewhere inside – to open, to start exploring it with the “heart”, not mind. To finally start growing.

A lot of times we search for teachers on the other side of the world (yes, sometimes there is really something calling us there), but truth is that when you are ready, they mostly appear very close by or sometimes even in the depth of your own self.

And there with them and with your own self, the real school begins. And theory, words, sentences, comma, dot, ecxlamation marks,… start to turn into knowing, feeling and wisdom. Because you start to understand it with your heart, not the mind – like we are usually taught or expected.