What’s a comedy without all the fun and laughs? I can answer that in two words: Identity Thief. And I know sometimes I say that I’m going to keep reviews short and simple but then blather on and on. This isn’t going to be the case. Here are the bullet points:

Almost every potentially funny moment is in the trailer.

This is the weakest rated-R comedy I may have ever seen. Why they didn’t cut a few swear words out and just get the PG-13 rating is beyond me (and as financially dumb as the script is terrible).

The movie has a beginning, a middle, and mercifully it comes to an end so it doesn’t get an even lower rating than I’m already giving it.

If anything was being stolen by Identity Thief, it was my time and a little bit of my soul.

I’ve enjoyed layovers in airports more than this waste of nearly two hours.

I hope Jason Bateman and Melissa McCarthy gave their agents a little bit extra for their cut, simply so they can try to get IMDb to scrub their names from the cast list.

Should you have any inkling of watching this movie, just watch the trailer a few more times and take a nap.

There, I saved you $52. (And people say I’m not compassionate.)

GRADE: D

Identity Thief hits theaters on February 8, 2013 and is rated R for sexual content and language.

Member of the San Diego Film Critics Society, writing film reviews since 2005. Curmudgeon and lover of Susanne Bier films. Sadly, unlike Candyman, saying my name three times in a mirror does not result in my sudden appearance. However, you'll likely find me wherever a movie is severely melancholy.