1.28.2016

I'm a worrier. Surprise. Surprise, right? Last night in my Ladies' Prayer Group, we discussed the topic of worry and how God has called us NOT to worry. After reading through Matthew 6:25-34, I felt a slight sense of guilt. I feel like since becoming a mother almost 13 years ago, I have worried more. As the years have gone by, my worries have evolved and shifted. In the beginning I was worried I would not be a good enough mother to Gavin. As he got older, I worried for his safety. Now I worry about the world all three of my children are growing up in. I worry about if I'm teaching Gavin the things he will need to know when he moves out on his own one day. We are called NOT to worry though. So why do I worry about my children so much? Last night, I mentioned Ryker and his lack of fear. Ryker doesn't worry about anything. He will climb on top of an end table or try to jump off of the couch. He runs as fast as he can through all of the toys in the living room with no fear of falling. Ryker does not worry. Ryker is a child... a child who knows no matter what happens, Mommy or Daddy will kiss his boo-boo and "fix it". This is what God wants us to understand! There is no reason for us to worry. He will be there. He has it under control. "Can any one of [us] add a single hour to [our] lives by worrying?' (Matt 6:27). No. The key is to have faith that God is in control of a situation. In Matthew 6:34, we are called to "not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." What do we accomplish by worrying about tomorrow? Personally, I accomplish absolutely nothing. It is a waste of my precious time for me to worry about things I have absolutely no control over. I still find myself worrying though. It is no surprise I feel stretched very thin from time to time. Between keeping up with the twins, maintaining a household, being a wife, and co-parenting a preteen I wear many hats and have many important jobs. Right now, my heart is so consumed by my worry for Gavin and our relationship. He is at an age where I have to start letting go and allowing him to fail on his own. I cannot hover as much as I have in the past. If I want him to grow into a responsible adult, I have to start letting go. I have tried so hard to just cover him in prayer for the last few months. It might just be a phase, but I honestly feel like I'm losing him. I feel like my time with him is so so precious; however, he is at the age where he can decide what he wants to do (within reason). I worry he will resent me one day. I worry he and I will not have a very close relationship. I worry he will decide he wants to live with his dad permanently.This week, I am praying for God to just take those worries away. I pray He will help me face the challenges I have ahead of me as I try to co-parent Gavin. I pray He will give me the strength and understanding to accept the things I have no control over. Amen.

1.27.2016

As many of you already know, Tennessee (and the rest of the East) was hit with a snow storm. I originally thought it would be so much fun to be "snowed in" with all three kiddos, but that thought was short lived. It was very, very short lived. We were not officially "snowed in" until Saturday. Gavin's dad got into town a little earlier on Friday than he had originally expected, so Trey ended up getting out and driving on the yucky, icy mess to take Gavin home. Trey LOVES driving in the snow. Me? Eh. Not so much. Trey did manage to make it home safely so I ended up snowed in with Trey, Ryker, and Averlee sans Gavin.

On Saturday, I convinced Trey we should take R&A out to play in the snow. I had dreams of Ryker throwing snow balls, rolling in the snow, and giggling at how much fun he was having. I imagined Averlee would enjoy sledding and tossing snow in the air. In reality though...Ryker and Averlee hated the snow. They equally hated being bundled up, wearing gloves, and not being able to walk in the 4 inches of snow. As soon as we put Ryker down, he face planted into a pile of snow. Averlee fell over and couldn't get up, so she joined in on the snow hating too. Basically we spent 15 minutes bundling everyone up. We spent 5 minutes in the snow. We made a huge mess in the laundry room with all of our boots and wet clothes. I have high hopes next year will be better. One can dream, right?

Toddlers

If there is one thing I wasn't prepared for, it is this : TWO BABIES LEARNING TO WALK AT THE SAME TIME. They don't walk in the same direction. They don't walk the same speed. They defiantly do not want to hold my hand as I lead them away from whatever they are currently trying to destroy play with. Obviously I knew they would sprout some confidence and take off one day, but I didn't realize I would blink and that day would be here so quickly. It is here though. They are also starting to talk. Of course 90% of the time I'm the only person who knows what they are trying to say. The other 10% of the time I think they are talking in their odd twin lingo. Ryker loves to say "ba" for ball. He says "tak-ku" for thank you, and "mik" for milk. Averlee talks about "cat", "bite", and "momma" on the regular.

We have almost made the full transition to table foods. Almost. I have a lazy day from time to time where I will sneak them some baby food because I can barely even think straight. For the most part, they get their fruits, veggies, dairy, protein, and occasional sweet treats in. It's a win for everyone!

1.08.2016

Averlee took her first unassisted steps last night. She stood up, put her hands in the air, grinned ear to ear, and took her wobbly first steps. It was beautiful. It made me tear up. I was so very proud of her!

I've never been one to make New Year Resolutions, but in an effort to organize my life and manage my anxiety, I decided this might be the year to make a few resolutions. One is to work on my own health and fitness (typical resolution... *blah blah*). The other is to live more in the moment and not let myself get caught up in the stress.

I wouldn't say I've taken my time at home with the twins for granted, but I will say I've had a hard time shutting off my "working mommy" brain. I began working when I was 17 shortly after I discovered I would become a mom. I was in college and working until Gavin was 4 years old. Then, I began working full time. Those pay checks were so nice, but I was missing out on so much. I missed school functions. I was late for ballgames. I didn't get to help him with homework or stay home with him when he was sick. I felt so much guilt for missing out and not being present as a mother. I was doing what I had to do to pay off my student loans and save for his college though. I was doing my best.

When Trey and I got married, I quit my great paying job so I could transition into a less demanding work schedule closer to home. No more hour commute. No more business trips out of town. No more meeting clients or co-workers to discuss business over dinner and drinks. It felt like a great move for our family and future kid(s).

The moment Trey and I decided we wanted to have a child, we also decided it would be best for me to say home with him or her. As you know, it took us longer than we had planned to have a child. This made staying home even more important to me. I didn't want to miss out on all of the firsts! When we found out we were expecting twins, there was no question I would need to stay home! Daycare for two infants would be my entire paycheck! So the decision was easy... I would be a stay at home mom. Easy right?

I love staying home with my twins and having the freedom to be there for Gavin when he has a school or sports event..... BUT.... For several months I struggled with not feeling like I had a purpose. I felt like a good day was defined by me taking a shower AND washing my hair. I constantly had family telling me I needed to "get away" from my kids and go do something else for a day each week. I felt like I wasn't making a difference. Sure. My kids were happy and healthy, but I always had someone chirping in my ear about things I "should do" or pushing me to leave my kids a few days a week. I felt like I wasn't a good enough stay at home mom.

It is also important for me to note... I struggled silently with postpartum depression and anxiety for 10 months. I kick myself daily for not reaching out to my doctor for help sooner, but it is what it is. Honestly, it robbed me of a lot of joy. I reached a point where I wanted to completely isolate myself because being around others stressed me out. I'm doing much better now thanks to support from my doctor, friends, my mom, and my husband.

So for 2016, I'm wiping my slate clean. I'm doing what I need to do to grow my relationship with my husband. I'm working on living in the moment and not worrying about what others around me think I should be doing. I spent so much of the twins first year feeling like I had to prove something. I felt so much pressure from others for me to go against what I was comfortable with. I felt like I had to prove that I COULD do this since I had so many people tell me I wouldn't be able to handle the twins by myself each day. I can. I plan to live in today and handle what is thrown at me... And enjoy each moment. This is MY job. I have 3 kiddos who depend on me, love me, and NEED me. I don't have to prove anything. I'm good enough. I'm doing the best I can. I'm loving my life and enjoying each day. This life is pretty amazing. Hectic and amazing.

1.03.2016

Ryker and Averlee are 13 months old today! Do people say that? Or is it safe for me to just say, "They are 1" and leave it at that? Eh. They are 13 months. I must say, this is a FUN age, but it has also been a challenging age!

13 Months Old and dressed for church

Ryker is training for his first baby marathon I believe. He has two speeds. Sleeping and Running. There is nothing in between. He's either knocked out or he's running full speed ahead. He's still eating anything and everything we put in front of him. He has a total of 6 teeth (2 bottom and 4 top). He moved into his own room two nights ago. He loves to play with a ball, his bulldozer, his big brother, and his puppy, Harper.

Never a dull moment with Ryker. He's quite busy!

Averlee is still trying to decide if she wants to walk soon or not. I'm completely ok with her crawling for a little while longer since it is easier for me to chase Ryker if I'm carrying her versus chasing them both. I have a feeling she is about to take off though. She is such a picky eater! We still have to give her jar baby food from time to time because she refuses to cooperate when it comes to eating table foods sometimes. Typical girl. She loves to play with her tea pot, tea cups, and baby doll. She has even decided she can tolerate a small bow in her hair from time to time. *Score!* Averlee has 5 teeth (2 bottom and 3 top).

Group photo...fail.

As for me... I'm surviving. I've learned to just roll with the punches. There will be a day when I will be caught up on laundry. I will shower daily. My hair will not be in a messy bun. I will be able to read a book. I will have complete conversations with fellow adults. That day will not be today though. or tomorrow. or anytime in the next 4 years. I've learned WHEN to wave my little white flag and call my mom. I've allowed myself to admit when I need a break and it is completely ok for me to say, "I need a minute or 60 to myself". I went through a time where I felt so guilty for wanting some time by myself, but I now have no problem telling my husband he needs to handle things for a little while so I can take a breather. This is an adventure for sure. It is challenging. It is exhausting at times. It is rewarding. It is literally a dream come true.