How can I make my orgasms last longer?

Me and my boyfriend have been having sex along with oral sex for a while now. I find it most pleasurable during oral sex when he uses his tongue on my clitoris. Is there any way in which I can make the orgasm last longer?

Heather Corinna replies:

Orgasms will tend to last anywhere from a few seconds to less than a minute for most people, most of the time.

Female orgasm often tends to last a bit longer than male orgasm -- but for men and women like, we're still talking within an average of a few seconds to around 30 seconds most of the time. They can feel like they last longer than that -- and the pelvic contractions we feel during orgasm can also make one orgasm feel like more than one -- but as far as single orgasms go, that's how long they usually last.

Mind, some people can have what we call "serial" orgasms, which means that you have a kind of orgasm that's a little bit like popcorn popping: once one orgasm starts, another follows right on its heels, and possibly another after that, so that it feels like orgasm goes on for a few minutes, rather than a few seconds. Technically, serial orgasms are a multiple orgasm, rather than a single, just not the kind where you have a whole or partial cycle of sexual response leading up to the next one, or take a break from sex after orgasm, then go back to sex later and reach orgasm again.

Not everyone is multiply orgasmic (and not everyone who is always wants to have more than one orgasm, either: some folks prefer only having one, sometimes or even always), and we don't really know yet why some people are and others don't seem to be, no matter what they try, and some studies have even suggested that genetics might be part of the equation. We also know that with women, it's typical for younger women to have a tougher time reaching orgasm or having multiple orgasms: on other words, greater sexual pleasure and more intense orgasm does tend to increase with age.

The way to find out if that's something you're capable of or enjoy is just to experiment. That might mean continuing oral sex while you're having that one orgasm and then beyond. It might mean quickly shifting to an additional or secondary sexual activity, such as having a partner then add a sex toy, adding fingers for manual sex, or shifting to some form of intercourse. With clitoral stimulation specifically, remember that your clitoris is a lot bigger than it looks! The part a partner is stimulating on the outside via oral sex is only one part of it, so switching things up to stimulate other parts -- like the internal clitoris we can feel through massaging the outer labia or with manual sex inside the vagina -- may be the ticket to extending your orgasm a little or bringing you to a second one. Which of those things does the trick on any given day or for any given person is just a matter of communicating to your partner what you want to try and experimenting to find out what you uniquely enjoy and what works for you.

Sometimes, more of a given sexual activity or any kind of sexual activity -- even when we switch to something else -- right when we've reached orgasm can feel like too much: our genitals will often be hypersensitive with or after orgasm. This can also vary from day to day, sexual experience to sexual experience, and from orgasm to orgasm. On one day with one given orgasm, more sexual activity on one area may not feel good at all and just feel ticklish or even a little painful. If it feels like that, you may want to take a little breather then go back to sex in a few minutes or a few hours, or just be done with sex for that day, period. On another, it may be just the thing and feel fantastic. Again, this is something that you can find out just by trying different things and seeing what works for you.

You can also explore some of this yourself through masturbation. While you can't give yourself oral sex, you can use your hands, sex toys or other objects to experiment with your own sexual response and orgasm, and might even find some clues there you can pass on to your partner.

Just remember that our enjoyment of sex is really about the whole process. Just because orgasm is something that tends to be short and fleeting much of the time doesn't mean it's a bummer. Orgasm is an awesome finale, to be sure, but so is everything that comes before and after, and that's the stuff we usually can stretch out a lot more when we want to.

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