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Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Planning for the Inevitable

I love my mom. Our relationship has not been a straight arrow of bliss. I know what you are thinking, everyone has ups and downs with their mothers. That might be true, but ours was a little different.
You see growing up with my mom was difficult at times. Many times she was not the nicest nor the most nuturing figure. Hugs and kisses were kind of rare. And sometimes she was just plain mean for no apparent reason. I remember how I would write in my diary that my mom was being a "bitch" and then scratch it out because if I became the President I didn't want them to look back at my old things and see what I had said (yes I was politically-minded from an early age).

When my mom became diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis her personality completely changed. Now my mother is for the most part one of the sweetest most caring people I know. Many times she cares more about others more than she cares about herself. She always has a card ready for all occasions and even will sometimes give a card just to give a card. She tells me "I love you" after every phone call, something I definitely didn't experience growing up. She also is very funny. However sometimes I cannot tell if she means to be funny or not. She might have the occasional angry streak but they are more funny than anything.

This was quite the adjustment for me. I had to change my attitude. It took my a few years to forgive my mother for being the mother I grew up compared to the mother she is now. What makes it even harder is that she doesn't even remember what she used to be like, much less any of my childhood. I was able to get over it. Yes I still struggle, a lot. I feel guilty about my feelings of resentment and I feel guilty for wanting a normal "life". However, I know I really have no choice. I might complain or vent for a few minutes, but in the end I just carry on because that is all I can do.

While my mom has been stable for the past few years, I am starting to see slow signs that her MS is progressing. This evokes so many emotions. I am sad, that the mother I used to know is slowly slipping away. I am becoming the soul keep of our memories. But more importantly I feel anxiety wondering if I can truly serve as an sufficient guardian of my mother. Every day I feel like I am struggling to stay a float myself. I have doubts of whether I can take care of her completely by myself, not just financially, but mentally as well.

I suppose I have the fear that most people have when it comes to take care of their parents. However the difference between me and most other people is that my worries started when I was young. My mom is still pretty young herself. So in my mind I wonder how can I plan for the inevitable. Right now I can get frustrated with her what I am I going to do in a year or two? How about if I have my own family or will that effect things?

I guess all I can do is plan what I can, and pray that God will take care of it. People always tell me that by honoring my mother I will see my blessings. I hope this is true, because I am in definite need of them. I just trust in my faith that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, so I can handle this. Right?