Dribbling on Hallowed Ground?

America is deeply engaged in fierce protest against religious freedom practiced on the sacred ground where a Manhattan discount clothing store once flourished. As we approach a hallowed date on the calendar (November 2) some have expressed outrage that a local community would tolerate the practice of man-on-man basketball near the spot where some Muslims openly plan to pray.

Just a few years and eons of cracked plaster ago; religious shoppers flocked to this site on a regular basis to secure salvation from high prices for high-end, labeled outerwear. In the midst of strip clubs and Brazilian barber shops, these bands of aggressive hunters subdued their fashion, despair, dignity, and dogma as the price of entry to a fifth dimension of savings. Here, in the course of human events, there had never been such an aerial assault on a multi-story building to hijack and eliminate the “suggested retail price” established by lower East Side fashion moguls. These retail rebels mounted their warrior weapons –Craigslist comparison ads, clipped coupons, and sales resistance –purposely crashing through security barriers set up to diminish premature evacuation of clearance merchandise. The gate crashers said they were targeting the very symbols of all that was wrong in a world of derivatives, junk bonds, and underwater homes. “We will pay retail, when Republicans are forced to pay their own way into exclusive strip clubs,” said one of the terrorist leaders apprehended while attempting to use food stamps for an Arugula salad at a nearby Whole Foods market.

“They hate us for our valets,” one executive of a high-end retailer said explaining the unprecedented enterprise that unfolded not so long ago.

From the urine-stained foyers to the littered empty fortified liquor bottles that now commemorate this monument to free enterprise, an insurgent movement seeks to create a triumvirate of Islamic worship from praying to Muhammad, Cooking with Habeeb to playing on the Kareem Abdul Jabbar basketball court — praying, dribbling, and playing basketball day after day. President Barack Obama, a noted fan and participant in the sport of basketball, says the Constitution of the United States does not expressly forbid the exercise of the sport in a house of prayer. “I am not expressing an opinion on the wisdom of this action, I just can’t find a constitutional reason to ban this,” said the former Constitutional Law professor.

Since the use permit for this building also includes a culinary school, some Republicans have found another way to block its construction. If this culinary school attempts to draw students with federal loans, Republicans say, they must adhere to ALL federal standards, a rare New York GOP Congressman ranted. “That includes teaching Muslim students how to cook pork!”

Democrats immediately pounced on the GOP demand for gastronomic purity. They noted that Republicans rarely serve pork at any of their indigenous country clubs, and to force Muslims to violate their religious ethic smacks of racial intolerance. “Leave it to Republicans to favor the other white meat,” a New York Democrat ranted.

Meanwhile, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg says he is feverishly working on a compromise that will settle the issue once and for all. “I’m speaking to the former mayor of Oakland who is now running for governor of California. He thinks that the owners could build this in downtown Oakland if they trade the basketball court for some place the Oakland A’s can play baseball, and instead of having a culinary school they could build a medical marijuana facility. ”