The Pure Uncut.

November 14, 2012March 18, 2013

Remember What My Pops Told Me.

You all know how I am a fan of Tupac, and one of my many favorite songs that he made is called Blasphemy; where he details lessons that were given to him by his father when he was a young child. After listening to the song recently, I started thinkg about some of the lessons my father passed on to me.

You know, I was sitting around thinking the other day that neither my father nor my mother ever told me about the birds and the bees. There were no man to man conversations that fathers have with their sons where the father tells the son that “women, you can’t live with them, you can’t live without them or how f*cking crazy and undeceive they are. As a matter of fact the only advice, if you want to call it advice, my father gave me was “Son, your 6’2 and women like tall men, wear a condom,” seriously that was the extent of the sex talk that I had with my father, while my mother never said anything.

Now I don’t fault my parents for their either unwillingness or unpreparedness to talk about sex, in fact they are the best parents I think anybody can have. To give you a little history about my parents, they are old school southerners from Mobile AL, both raised in a traditional family where the fathers were hard yet loving men but who didn’t do a whole lot of bonding. Basically they viewed their role as a provider and protector more important than a nurturer. So I’m guessing neither one of my grandfathers talked to their sons about sex and relationships, so my father didn’t talk to me about sex and relationships.

Well this has got me to thinking about the advice and pearls of wisdom that I will eventually pass on to my son when the time comes. Now the advice that I would pass on to my son is influenced by a whole lot of just “winging it”, sink or swim and trial and error when it comes to sex and relationships. While this may sound like a recipe for disaster, on the contrary who better to learn from than a person who has had a lot of success as well as a lot of empty Olde English 1800 bottles. So without further ado here are Breazy’s pearls of wisdom.

Women are crazy and you will never figure them out.

I’m not sure at what age I figured this out but I can tell you son that when I did my life became easie; do you know how hard it is to break the Davinci Code? No? Well neither do I, but I bet it’s easier than trying to figure out why women says nothing is wrong when in actuality something is wrong and why you best be trying to figure out what you did to piss her off.

Women are gluttons.

Women can never have too many shoes, purses, pocketbooks, handbags, or that bitch at work that she can’t stand. Even though they already have shoes and purses that match their belt or purses to match their belt and shoes it’s never enough, it’s almost like life is black friday and they have to get everything before it closes.

Make sure the person you like, likes you more.

This is just merely an insurance policy, to make sure you don’t end up getting hurt or give more of yourself while the other person does all the taking, basically it ensures you don’t turn into Captain Save a Hoe.

I know I said make sure the person that you like, likes you more but makes sure the person that you like has something going for themselves or has something to lose.

Yes Hoodrats and strippers are sexy and have bodies that makes old men wish for younger days, but 5 to 25 minutes of pleasure is not worth the potential downside and embarrassment if things go wrong. Basically never ever ever ever attempt to have casual sex with someone who would compare getting pregnant by you to winning mega millions.

Women appreciate a man who can take care of himself, so watch me when I’m grilling, learn all that you can from your mother about cooking and make cleaning a habit.

Women like to be needed and depended on to a point but there is nothing worse than a man handsome or other wise that can’t even boil water, clean his ass or is just plain sorry; so don’t be that man, learn all that you can from your mother and I about how to be self-sufficient.

The Grass is never greener.

Although each woman has her own insecurities, quirks and things that’ll make you scratch your head with some physical variations, there really isn’t much that sets their quirks apart from the next woman. You can talk to your homeboys and dudes you work with and compare notes about things that confuse you about women and ifyou made a list I’m pretty sure all lists will be identical.

I said all of that to say this there will come a time in your relationship where your mind may start to wonder and you may want to test the waters, when and if this happens just remember the person that you fantasize about will have insecurities, quirks and other things that’ll make you scratch our head, just remember at least you already know what those are with the person you are already with.

No matter how head scratching her behavior and crazy she makes you, always treat her like the queen that she is and with respect.

We all have some things that from time to time may make the other person want to slap the shit out of us, but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t respect each other and be there for each other.

It’s better to be yourself than something you are not.

Women really appreciate a man who is himself rather than somebody who goes out-of-the-way to be something that he’s not. A man who keeps it real is more genuine than someone fake.

Always, Always, Always wear a condom.

This is the most important piece of advice that I can give to you, first don’t have sex until you are ready and if you do always keep your Charles Dickens covered. A condom can save your life and piece of mind, there is nothing more nerve-racking than wondering if you pulled out in time, so to keep from going bald with worry always wrap it up.

From the time you turn 10 until the day you die your hormones will be raging, the key is to make sure you think with the head that is on your shoulders instead of the one the that’s between your legs.

Oh the irony this is the one bit of advice everyman has been told from the time he was 10 but have the hardest time grasping. Wars have been started and once great nations have fallen and no longer exist because of men that couldn’t resist The Power of the P, but if you can not only will you remain sane you’ll also save a lot of money. Now this will not be an easy task, actually it will be the hardest thing that you will ever do and I’m not asking you to suppress or ignore your sexual needs and urges, just make sure when you free willy it’s after you consulted with the head on your shoulders first.

Well these are just a few that I can think of right now, I’m sure I’ll think of more later. Did I forget anything? Also, Corner Politicians, what advice would you give to your sons?