A Guide to Geysers, Facials & Pearl Necklaces

There comes a time in every guy's life when he wants to pull out and impersonate Old Faithful, just for the visual. Or perhaps there come -many- times. Women, too, may appreciate the visual — just like the hickey, it’s a spectacle (though hopefully not one that your co-workers will spot the next morning).

Facials, in particular, remain one of the biggest taboos — and taboo-busting sex is often the hottest, in that “so wrong it's right” way. But in some cases, it is so wrong that it is simply wrong. For example, performing an at-home facial without first getting permission.

Coming on a person's face is a loaded act, like slapping them in the face (which can also be a “nice touch” in the middle of sex, come to think of it). Projectiles aimed at your face — a glass of water, a loogie, a cream pie, a fist — are rarely hallmarks of affection. The above-the-neck money shot is also a staple in porn — making it extra hot for some people, and extra icky for others. In fact, its prevalence in porn is one reason why people averse to cheese don’t necessarily go gaga for the facial. And let’s not forget that a guy’s juice stings like a mother if you get it in your eye.

Of course, not all facials are created equal. Like eating fish eggs, context is king. If you’re an abusive asshole whose mom didn’t love him enough and consequently treat every lover who has the misfortune of crossing your genital path as if she (or he) were a side of beef, then the facial is a true act of degradation. But if you call your mother once a week, are in a mature relationship, and you both are tickled by it, then the facial is an act and nothing more — an agreeable form of role-playing. If you mark your territory because you believe your partner is your property, then you deserve to be evicted without notice. But if you mark the territory because you like the visual, then it’s simply a way to make things more fun without waking the neighbors.

Here are a few guidelines — mostly for the ejaculator, natch — for doing it the right way:

• Don’t rush the clean-up like you’re a puppy who just peed on the rug — wipe your partner down tenderly and treat the act as part of the post-coital bonding. If it’s a particularly large deposit, lead your partner by the hand to the shower to rinse off together.

• Only tacky idiots and pre-teens attempt to win over a gal by listing a facial's benefits to her complexion. Semen does indeed contain protein, which can have a temporary tightening effect on wrinkly skin...until she rinses it off in the powder room.

• If you’ve never come anywhere but in the condom before, consider building up to the facial: stomach, breasts, back, neck (a.k.a. a “pearl necklace”). Or just ask your partner where you should come.

• Remember that ejaculate can spread disease if it comes into contact with any mucous membrane, not just the vagina (i.e. mouth, eyes, open cuts, anus).

• If you want to request a facial in advance (so the sex is not imminent and the pressure is lifted), don’t raise the subject at breakfast or during rush hour traffic. Instead, do it over a glass of wine when you’re playing footsie and things are a little frisky. Lean in and say something like, “You're so sexy, you make me want to do dirty things. I'd really love to come on your face sometime.”

• When asking permission mid-sex, just make the request part of the dirty talk: everyone’s more open to suggestion in the throes of ecstasy.

• Ejaculate on the face becomes unsexy (not to mention chilly) exactly 2.3 seconds after the last orgasmic shudder. Therefore, never request a facial unless you’ve got a box of Handywipes or a towel on the bedside table. If you only have Kleenex on hand, settle for a pearl necklace.

• Guys, don’t complain if you get some on yourself; remember, it’s on her face.

Author

More formally known as Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey, we like to consider ourselves the Emily Posts of the modern bedroom. We blog three times daily at EMandLO.com—the site is your daily dose of advice, news, and stories about sex, love, and other important stuff (no yoga mat required). We’ve also co-authored six books on the topics of sex and love so far: Sex: How to Do Everything (DK ‘08), three A-Z guides, Buh Bye (Chronicle ‘07), Rec Sex and Sex Toy (Chronicle ‘06), the sex manual The Big Bang: Nerve’s Guide to the New Sexual Universe (Plume ‘03 in the US; Hodder ‘04 in the UK), and the handbook Sex Etiquette for Ladies and Gentlemen (Plume ‘04/Hodder ‘05).

Sex and relationship writers Em & Lo are the team behind EMandLO.com, a 3x-daily blog about sex, love and everything in between. In all the advice they give -- online, in books, on TV -- they strive to be informative yet fun, opinionated but not (too) judgmental, philosophically complex yet down-to-earth, sexy but never sleazy, progressive and ethical. They believe in woman’s rights, gay rights, comprehensive sex education, personal responsibility, honest communication, man made lube, good condoms, flat-front pants, and ’80s pop culture references.