Aleister Crowley

Aleister Crowley (12 October 1875 – 1 December 1947), born Edward Alexander Crowley, and also known as both Frater Perdurabo and The Great Beast 666, was a famed English author, teacher, lecher, baker, preacher, and necromancer. He is known for his many books, including The Book of Lies, Days of Our Lies, The Book of the Mall, and Spot Can Jump (subtitled Spot Can Learn to Jump Further. . .In His Mind!!).

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Aleister Crowley was the reincrantion and tulku of the famous Hermeticist and Alcheimist Edward Kelly, and the teacher, friend, travelling campanion, and wife swapper of the famous English Court Magician, Sir John Dee. Since Sir John Dee reincarnated as uber-wealthy oil robber baron John D. Rockefeller, he was able to support his tulku-teacher Aliester Crowley in any old fashion to which he had become accustomed, allowing Crowley's teachings to reach and corrupt everyone.

Crowley never exactly married, preferring instead to initiate acts of sumo wrestling with busty, vivacious women such as Sylvia Plath, Amelia Earhart, and Leila Waddell. These affairs usually ended with either the suicide, unexplained disappearance, or random 'fast food' addiction of the woman involved. These tragic incidents often made Crowley "very sad", as he once told Scotland Yard detectives.

Crowley did have a life-long relationship with the Italian witch Magica de Spell, who he met at one of The Golden Dawn's fund-raising events for orphaned children. Ms. de Spell survived Crowley by decades, until her own tragic death involving a cloven hoove and a baton.

Crowley was the father of three; two elementals (fire) and one homonuculus with a name Igori...

It is appropriate to began the biography of such a man even before his mundane birth. Upon realizing the fact that the body of Eliphas Levi was worn out and incapable of carrying out his Will, He left that body and immediately incarnated as a boy called Edward Alexander Crowley, two years later he realized that his name did not suit him and changed it to Aleister. At the age of 4, he rose to prominence when, finding basic education quiet useless, he became a master of English language, a mountain climber, a poet and a distinguished social critic with a wide range of studies in science.

Ko Yuan (Aleister Crowley) during his famous trek across the Gobi Desert.

He began his strictly magical quests for his True Will by joining the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn at the age of 6. Six months later he was a major adept but abhorred those mental prostitutes who had the authority, and left the order. Then, he went to Mojave desert to complete his scientific research in nuclear physics, where he successfully tested five handmade nuclear bombs. He later recalled that he found the explosion and Force Fire spiritually inspiring.

Upon his failure to manufacture a bomb that could rival the Sun (He later mentioned that it was a restriction imposed on him by the Secret Chiefs as he had not attained His True Will yet), He found further research boring and went to India to learn the secret eastern practices of mysticism in the hope of finding the Inner Sun. Under harsh training of the greatest mystics of the time, within 40 days He attained Dhyana and 75 days later Samadhi, when he found that mysticism is a bloody waste of time. Returning to England, He turned His attention to chess, and in less than a year He became an international chess master.

Unfortunately, after defeating Garry Kasparov three times, He lost His interest in chess and, since there was no other fields to discover, He became depressed and began to take alcohol and other strange drugs for several years.

The day He turned 14, Crowley found that although his mind had been fully capable of sex, his body had never been until that day. He then devoted all his time to explorations in this newly discovered area, and three months later the Times mentioned his name as “the sexiest man still alive”. It was during this period that he discovered his True Will.

While he was under the influence of mushrooms mixed with hash oil, and was engaged in sacred sex magick activity with Asuka Langley Sorya, unexpectedly, The Great Revelation came to him. He received a most horrible Understanding that God has changed, and everything that man had ever wrote about life and universe is now pure crap. The new God is a quite angry one and likes to kill and torture those who worship God, notably miserable Christians, Buddhists and Islamists, though the Jews are not under direct attack as the new God has a Kabbalistic structure.

Afterwards, he wrote the Words of his Will as a little manual for the Guidance of Mankind during the coming 2000 years, give or take a decade, wherein the new moody Lord of the Universe shall take delight in crushing everything crushable and only absolutely die-hard men can resist him through their unconquerable Will. Fnord!

Of course, all things must come to an end, and so Crowley died on December 1, 1947. Requiescat in pace!

Was body-muscle tension guruMoshe Feldenkrais's most prized student, outside of Ben-Gurion. Although being a secularist, Feldenkrais often argued with Crowley about the existence of good and evil, arguments which usually ended in an arm-wrestling contest which could go on for hours.

In 1940, on a Saturday afternoon in between casting spells on his neighbors, Crowley single-handely invented the M16/O, assult rifle, the weapon of choice for the discerning wizard. The "O" is for Occult, meaning it can fire magickal ammo (although magickal ammo is usually collected in condoms).

He was kinda sorta fond of sheep and various other Artiodactyls.

During an affair with the renowned pedophile and mystic, Walt Disney, Crowley drew a spot-on mouse on a piece of paper, added some pants to the rodent, and told Disney "Go on, take this, and make your damn fortune."

On 1 April 1945 he sent a detailed email to Gerald Gardner claiming he had discovered an ancient religion called Wicca. Gardner didn't notice the date and therefore missed the joke completely, as did many generations of teenage girls to come!

Crowley, his wife Rose Kelly, and a goat are sitting in their small cottage. Crowley says, "Rose, my dear, you filthy whore, would you be ever so nice as to do a magick ritual with me today?" Rose replies, "No, I go to visit Mother today". Crowley smiles, pets his goat, packs his hash pipe and says, "I'll give you three options, you evil wench: Choose to do the ritual with me today, or suck my cock, or take it up the ass." Rose says, "Fine, you adorable bastard, fine...I'll let you know my choice after I take a nap." Rose went to sleep the sleep of a baby, and upon waking found Crowley at the foot of the bed with the goat. Crowley asks, "What will it be? The ritual, suck my cock, or take it up the ass?" Rose yawns, sits up, and replies "Fine... I don't want to do that ritual and I don't want it up the ass, so give me your cock." Crowley puts his cock in Rose's mouth, she spits and replies "It tastes like shit!". Crowley lights his pipe again and says, "The goat didn't want to do the ritual either."