Insulted

How to effectively deal with insults.

We were having dinner with friends recently when the husband turned to me and, in response to a comment I’d made, said something extremely critical of me. I was a little taken aback as was my husband who immediately had his dukes up (figuratively of course), ready to defend my honor. I quickly recovered my composure and resumed my meal as if nothing had happened. My husband, relieved, got down off his white charger and continued eating as well.

How were we able to diffuse a potentially tense situation and keep the friendship alive?

For starters, we had recently had a conversation at home about how to deal with insults. Each of my children, without batting an eye, quoted to me the statement of our Sages that says the Almighty loves those who are embarrassed and don’t embarrass back (I don’t even want to think about many thousands of dollars in day school tuition that cost!). So I had that idea in mind. To my kids, that reaction was instinctive and obvious; for me it required some work.

I knew I wasn’t the real target.

I also knew that this friend was going through some personal challenges. I was able to quell my oversensitivity and ego (an admittedly rare occasion) and recognize that I wasn’t really the source of his frustration. I knew I wasn’t the real target and so I didn’t feel compelled to speak up in my defense or otherwise assert myself.

This experience is actually a fairly common one (no, not my ability to quash my ego needs). Frequently the wrong person bears the brunt of another’s frustration. For example, one spouse (we’ll call him the husband) may have had a long day at work -- a project didn’t go well, there was an accident on the freeway and he ate lunch too many hours ago. When he finally arrives home, fatigued, frustrated and famished, he discovers that dinner won’t be ready for another half hour. He lashes out at his wife, demanding that dinner be prepared on time in the future.

While not defending her husband’s behavior, the wise wife refrains from screaming, “You sexist pig! How dare you?” and brings out some crackers and cheese to tide her husband over. Maybe later, when he is sated, she suggests more effective forms of communication. She's able to do this because she knows she's not the real cause of her husband’s aggravation.

And while I am not on the level of those who understand that every insult operates as an atonement for past misdeeds and are therefore grateful for the opportunity provided, I can step back and examine whether there is any truth in the criticism. Is there something I could learn from it? Does it highlight a way in which I need to grow? Honesty requires that I examine myself to see why I had even the smallest role in provoking this reaction.

I’m definitely going to be more careful about what I say in the future and probe a little deeper into my character in an effort to root out any trace of the suggested flaw.

When the Jewish people are attacked from the outside, we need unity.

There are many other reasons not to respond to insults -- not to give anyone else power over you or your emotions, not to lower yourself to their level, because their opinion doesn’t really matter to you, because you were created in the image of the Almighty.

But perhaps one of the most important reasons of all, especially right now, is that when the Jewish people are attacked from the outside, we need unity. We need to strengthen our sense of togetherness, to build bridges with each other and not create further wedges. Too much is at stake.

This is the time to repair relationships, to mend fences. It is a time to pretend you heard wrong (maybe you really did!) and to let bygones be bygones. Most people don’t think so carefully before they speak so it’s a mistake to take their words too seriously.

The Almighty loves us to be quiet in the face of insults because, like all parents, He wants His children to live in peace and harmony. I think I could swallow a few insults in order to give my Father in Heaven that nachas.

Maybe if all just do our small part, if we don’t fight insult fire with insult fire and instead work on building closer relationships, the power of our love will turn back any future flotillas.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 20

(20)
Logic,
August 4, 2011 3:21 AM

It's not exactly fair yet fire doesn't extinguish the flames.

I believe in being thoughtful about what we say and to whom it is said. That is why I would try never to behave as the husband did to his wife in the hypothetical situation. Sure, he had a bad day, but it was wrong of him to take it out on her. In my opinion, an approach between the two extremes of fighing back or acting completely passive and submissive would have been best for the wife to take: "I'm sorry that you are frustrated but I have done nothing to wrong you so please do not take it out on me." Personal attacks should have no place in true criticism. It depends on the insult and your good judgement as to how to best respond and, yes, most insults should be ignored but it is also good to have each side understand the other. Peace and harmony comes with knowlege and understanding. It is good to try to see if you truly did do something wrong but sometimes also to realize when you have done nothing wrong at all. You might not get the apology you should, but at least you can take comfort in that, should it be so. To paraphrase Sherlock Holmes, it is equally as bad to underestimate yourself as it is to overestimate yourself. Still, getting him something to tide him over while he waits is still a pretty good idea.

(19)
Anonymous,
June 22, 2010 10:36 AM

swallowing insults (or projections)

How fabulous to read the article on not responding to insults, I was attacked twce by a cousin for doing what she is the one doing. Her exact words about her sister I will tell them it is to be like ths...and there are to be no arguments, some lines later in an email I was told not to stir her up. I did defend myself, no accusations included, and copped it again by phone. I realise there is 100% projection going on, and her Mum is dying, so I just did not answer, said once again Never did I mean to cause any pain, & if I have done this inadvertantly, I am sorry. I hung up seething. It took hours to calm down. Now, several hours later, I read your article on insults and am so glad I just kept quiet. Nothing to be gained by arguing with someone obviously in her own pain. I am slowly calming down and will of course, and I will let it go, hoping I am 'forgiven'.

(18)
Eliana,
June 18, 2010 3:27 PM

Hashem is sending us a message

Such great timing for this article. I was recently publicly called a liar at work when it was actually the accuser who was being dishonest. I did respond because I needed to defend myself- I held back from slinging any insults. And I have to say that it has been a real test of emuna. Trying to remember not to be angry at the agent of ultimately Hashem's message (because everything is Hashem) and taking what I can from the insult. Although I was not dishonest in this case, it has made me reflect on my life as a whole. When I am really honest with myself, I realise that I am not living up to the standard of honesty in all aspects of my life, especially work life, that I should be. And I think Hashem was giving me a wake-up call. I'm not saying that there is truth in every insult, but surely every insult or distressing situation that we encounter is from Hashem and we should do our best to react appropriately and take what lessons and "wake-up calls" that we can.

(17)
Anonymous,
June 18, 2010 12:57 PM

It's really worthwhile to try this.

It's hard to swallow insults; but if we remember that almost 100% of the time the person insulting us is upset about something totally not related to us! I had someone yell at me in public with nasty insults - I knew that she was terribly upset about something and I walked away. The next morning she was unable to face me so I walked over to her and hugged her and walked away. The incident was never referred to and I felt fine about it.

(16)
Leah,
June 18, 2010 3:55 AM

Excellent article! Thank you

(15)
Anonymous,
June 17, 2010 12:12 PM

well it depends

well one reponse doesnt fit all.The social insult from someone you know especially if its in someone elses home should be ignored the more so if its a first time offence. causing a row will only reflect badly on you.The insulter either didnt mean it ,was too stupid to realise what they were saying or as you say there is something else going on entirely.The deliberate insult from a stranger however is another matter. the best reponse is ridicule pretend you havnt heard them properly ask them to speak louder and take mock offence at the most inocuous part of the insult . A judge I heard about sent a defendant to prison and was rewarded by a torrant of abuse he was called interalia a stupid old **** to which he replied idignantly 'old me? I am barely 50!) the prisoner was literaly laughed out of court

(14)
Rachel J.,
June 17, 2010 2:34 AM

love your articles!

thank you! I really love & enjoy reading your articles.

(13)
L.S.,
June 16, 2010 4:38 PM

I like Otis' advice, comment #4

I get insulted a lot because I am a religious Jew living amongst very secular people, and though I am always respectful, the girls like to say snarky things about my tznius clothing, etc. Some of their statements should not be dignified, so I agree with Otis; the few times in my life I have cut people off for insulting me, I have felt greater respect for myself and consequently, everyone else around me respected me more, too.

(12)
Arthur,
June 16, 2010 5:59 AM

Very well written. We all sometimes act out on our emotions and end up hurting one another. Learning Torah gives us unity and awareness of these things.

(11)
Anonymous,
June 16, 2010 5:54 AM

This is a really interesting topic.

I'm a sensitive person, and I've gone through my life believing that I'm always getting insulted. It was only after I began raising my child that I saw things differently. When my child, let's say around age 5 or so, started coming home on occasion with stories of other girls in gan, then school, who insulted her, hurt her, said something mean... It was so obvious to me that the other girl had some issue, and that it had almost nothing to do with my daughter. I've talked to her about this every time it happens, which, thank G-d, is not so often. It goes something like this: When someone says or does something to hurt you, it is that person who has a problem or issue. It has almost nothing to do with you. Emuna's other comments are useful, like what can I learn from it, etc. But it has become so clear to me that if someone says or does something hurtful, it is about *them*, not so much about me. Thanks for a good article.

(10)
Anonymous,
June 15, 2010 8:14 PM

toiugh situation

So many factors come into play when one is insulted. I admire those who can turn the other cheek with equanimity, out of strength. They are in a small miniority. I admire those who refuse to be doormats/abused. They are a majority. I feel sorry for those who suffer abuse or insults. I think that the edict goes : Choose your battle wisely. Try to know when to defend and when to attack back and when to let it pass.

(9)
Sadie,
June 15, 2010 6:38 PM

Wonderful Article

Such a good article about rising above it all. Jewish in- fighting is the worst and very common. I wish we could unite and not fight about petty things. There are such bigger problems to spend our energy on. G*d help us

(8)
Elisheva,
June 15, 2010 5:54 PM

response to #3

Great article. I've been working on this my whole life. I think it takes a healthy sense of self esteem to be able to successfully put it aside.
commenter #3, I think Emuna is talking about people closer to home-- it's debatable whether this refers to anti-semites, as well, but that wasn't her point. Her point is when people you DO care about insult you, such as family/friends...

(7)
Bob,
June 15, 2010 5:15 PM

dealing with insults

While it's natural to feel resentment when being insulted, either individually or as a group, it does help to understand that the speaker is acting from ignorance, and likely has loads of difficulties in his or her life that are unfortunately being aired. Assuming that you want to keep the friendship past the evening, one method that I've seen that works is to respond by saying "I'm surprised that you would say such a thing. You're far too intelligent to say that." It criticizes not the speaker, but the statement, and gives that person the chance to correct himself while maintaining face.

(6)
Rachel,
June 15, 2010 4:22 PM

Turn off the tape player, too!

Rabbi Pliskin taught one of the best pieces of advice of all. When someone insults you, do NOT replay the insult over and over again in your mind. Try to make your mind think about something different. Why give so much power to the person who insulted you & why cause yourself so much grief?

(5)
Rachel,
June 15, 2010 2:43 PM

Sometimes no insult is intended

I had a stroke. I remembered how to speak but sometimes couldn't remember the right words. I know sometimes I said things that seemed insulting because I used the wrong word. I have sometimes seen this happen with people who are trying to communicate in a language that is not their native language. So if you can manage not to respond negatively and possibly help the person with the correct words, it will help people in this situation not feel stupid (and angry with themselves.)

(4)
Otis R. Needleman,
June 15, 2010 2:40 PM

Other strategies..

First, you can ignore such people. Just don't respond. When the insultor doesn't get the response they were expecting, they learn a lesson.
Second, look at the insultor like a piece of garbage, say nothing, ignore them, and then cut them out of your life. Such people should be dead to you.

(3)
Anonymous,
June 15, 2010 1:58 PM

And what do you do when.....?

Now let's get into the world. When the guy at the next table is mouthing off about "those damned Jews", what do you do? With my hand in my bag and the bag pressed up against the side of his head, I suggested that he apologize, loudly, and that the next time we meet would be the last time we meet. They'll never love us -- I'll settle for something else.
We went to the gas chambers like sheep and to the ditches to be shot like sheep and to the factories to be worked to death like sheep. Never again.

(2)
Anonymous,
June 14, 2010 3:46 AM

Yasher Koach

Thank you for sharing; I hope I can react as well as you did next time I'm in this type of situation!

(1)
Anonymous,
June 13, 2010 4:27 PM

Sharpening each other

We can have a built in mechanism we don't know how to respond during those times. Later we think what we could of said and didn't. We think why didn't I say that, it would of been really good. If we would have, it wouldn't of helped the situation. There are times we do need to speak up. And when the words are there, it flows. We are not punching bags for others to get there frustrations out on. There are times we do need to let someone know that. To put a stop to such abuse if done on a regular basis. If someone knows they can walk all over you, they will. If a person you know well, that kind of comment is out of character, then yes it is easy to pass off, they were having a bad day. The company I work for became very successful by other peoples criticism of it, not the praise. The criticism can be a tool to improve. So those who criticise us, in the long run can be helping us to become better people. Other times, some people are just faultfinders and have no wisdom in there crude remarks. They love nothing. A friend will speak the truth in love not with a under tone of hate when they are sincerely trying to help you. I'm more apt to listen to criticism when done that way and make any adjustments and in turn help others also. Iron sharpens Iron. Disagreeing is not an end to an end. Executing results from disagreeing and insults is how Iron sharpens Iron.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!