Dear Mayor Bloomberg, Here's How to Fix NYC

Start by tackling fat people and watch the positive economic impact.

It’s 6am and I’ve been up since 4 with the worst hangover ever. I’m not sure why I suddenly have the urge to write a letter to Mayor Bloomberg, seeing as it’s going to take seven times as long considering the trip to the bathroom I make every five minutes, but just like my new crippling nausea, I never really know when a wave of inspiration will hit. And with that, I now present my simple plan to save New York. Fear not, non-New Yorkers, something tells me this plan will be effective in any city, large or small.

"Bro, I haven’t seen you at the tanning salon in months, wtf?!!"Dear Mayor Bloomberg (should you decide to send this to your very own mayor, I give full permission to copy and paste as I know not everyone is as brilliant as I.. just don’t forget to change the name and city),

It has recently come to my attention that I can’t get anywhere in this city without being bombarded by injustices. I’m willing to look past the fact that the NYPD is too busy waiting for the very second a meter clicks over to "0" (thus allowing them to ticket the poor driver, who is probably having a nervous breakdown in a Starbucks bathroom from driving on the health hazards you call "roads") to find my now THREE assailants in the past couple of months, and focus on issues facing more people than just yours truly. Yes that’s right Mr. Mayor, I consider myself the "Voice of The People" and hope to help not only myself but other New Yorkers as well. That being said, I’ve come up with some simple solutions to fix our city. You are welcome.

Oh shit I have to wait for the next train because some asshole had a 10-piece from Popeye’s last night. Let me start solving the overcrowded subway and bus issue by saying I don’t dislike fat people. In fact, I could care less how much someone weighs as long as they stay away from any materials related to the spandex or rayon families, and of course the subway. Now that I covered any and all potential legal matters, I’m ready to begin solving the overcrowding issues.

A mandatory diet should be implemented for any and all human beings planning on participating in the public transportation programs. I firmly believe that if every subway rider exceeding their maximum weight from the height-weight chart chosen by a team of nutritionists swaps out their burrito or cheeseburger twice a week for a salad or low fat sandwich from Subway the restaurant (just think, a Subway-sponsored subway diet plan… oh the potential marketing dollars and slogans… sorry Jared, your time is up), thus allowing the amount of space they take up to shrink over time (fad diets DO NOT work people, slow and steady wins the race), everyone will see that traveling from point A to point B will become much more tolerable.

In addition to the actual rider, all employers, business owners, and corporations will love this program because rather than having one person take up the space of six people, six people can get on the subway and avoid the dreadful, "Oh shit I have to wait for the next train because some asshole had a 10-piece from Popeye’s last night" and actually make it to their job on time. Productivity would go up, and something tells me there is a direct correlation between happy bosses and happy employees.

And with that, it’s time to save the economy. Since companies will be more productive, they can return to the disgusting bonuses New Yorkers have learned to love and cherish so dearly. Those bonuses will be spent dining out, shopping, etc… basically making it rain all over this city, and putting the trickle down economic theory into action once and for all. Employees in retail, hospitality, tourism, food service, the sex trade, etc, will feel the effects greatly and begin to turn their lights back on and eat something other than canned goods. Oh right and even the little people can splurge for a cab once in a while making the subways even less overcrowded.

I hope you can see where this is going…. Oh yes, time to solve unemployment and the homeless epidemic. Since people will be spending money, companies can begin to hire again. If companies hire again then that means jobs will be available. If jobs are available people can go back to work at any and all levels. Once people are working they can find and afford housing and get off the streets. After everyone has a job they too can begin spending, pumping more money and taxes into the system.

This plan should go into action immediately. Unfortunately, we will have to give a realistic weight deadline. I think a four-month timeframe is reasonable, as long as the diets start tomorrow… no time like the present. Should someone decide to keep living it up at Mickey Dees, consequences must be felt. I’ll leave the law and order to the professionals. I refuse to do everything on my own and something tells me you have people on your staff who can deal with the specifics.

And so, Mayor Bloomberg, I think you will see that all these crippling issues are easily solvable with this simple plan. I am currently unemployed and would gladly accept any position you have to offer. No, this was not my intention, but I just don’t know how you can see such genius and not want that on your staff. Actually, should you decide to forgo hiring me, that surely shows you’re not really looking to fix our issues. And I think an election is coming up.

Warm Regards,Jessica Wachtel

P.S. Tourists need to be aware of this. If necessary we can hire the homeless/jobless to pass out pamphlets at train stations, toll booths, airports, and any other points of entry into the city. Did someone just find another way to provide jobs???

P.P.S. With a healthier society, healthcare costs would finally become affordable.

And now that two hours were successfully killed and the nausea has subsided, I’m going back to sleep while listening to all the normal people in my building head out to work. Good night.

17 Comments

Well shit, it has to be, otherwise I'd end up at the bottom of the Atlantic with all the fatties and if you think I am going to miss a party attended by only the best the planet has to offer, you're crazier than a person who plugs a new company without a link to a website!

im not thinking clearly. The only track in my head right now is California. california. california. and we are doing a sick photo shoot today so check back tomorrow. you know, when you decided on a whim that you're moving across the country the following weeks you can't really be bothered by details such as websites ect...

Not for nothing Jess, but that could be your first film for your new production company. I mean who wouldn't pay box office prices to watch all the homeless/obese/ugly/ignorant and close minded people rounded up and killed? Not to mention the raging after party attended by only the cream of the crop who could make it up Mount Everest.

Whoa Whoa Whoa ladies! What are you trying to do here, kill us all by creating an extinction event sized tidal wave? Come on now, if you round up all the homeless/obese/ugly/ignorant and close minded people and pitch them into the Atlantic, we'll all fucking drown due to the water displacement alone!

I do like the survival odds though, if you give me enough time to climb Mount Everest. ;)

First and foremost, there is no need to be cruel (though I am not offended because I deal with your type all the time). Your comment about my three followers was not only unnecessary but speaks volumes about your character. Next, I'm not a journalist. I write comedy (see last week's comment if you need clarification). This is not a political column or an Op Ed from a newspaper. It's observational humor. If you don't like it then don't read it.

I think we are all aware of the obesity epidemic in this country. Since your position is clearly so unbiased I am sure you are concerned about the facts.

In the past ten years, obesity levels have doubled in the United States. More than half of adult New Yorkers are overweight or obese, and nearly half of all New York City elementary schoolchildren are not at a healthy weight. Obesity can begin very early in life. In fact, in New York City, 1 in 5 kindergarten children is obese.

Being overweight is not about looks. Many serious health problems are related to being overweight or obese, such as asthma, depression, diabetes and heart disease.

Jessica, are you really concerned about the issue? If so, as a so called "journalist" what are you doing to educate the masses? Seems to me you are placing blame. The issue starts at home , not government.

Your blog post seem to do nothing more than place blame. Sounds like you have some major issues or you are just one in the wrong place ALL the time.

You might want to take a step back and determine where your issues began. I think all of the three followers would love to know.