Tuesday, April 30, 2013

The return of the RANT!!

Oh God, I havent done one of these in so long. In fact its been so long the last rants I've done have actually grown mould. Which is actually perfect, because they were so venomous that I'm going to take this mould and use it to create the world's most effective BIO WEAPON, engineered with dripping hatred to eradicate everything I hate from this FELL WORLD! Muahahahahaha!!! Well, let's get to it.

1. Idiot whiner complainers.

Oh dear lord. These days, I think there has been some sort of switch implanted in humanity, permanently set to 'on' that compels them by some groin pulling mechanism to whine and bitch at the most insignificant crap and then force people with ACTUAL problems to listen to them. Ugh. Exhibit A in this gallery of douchebaggery: A few years ago, New Zealand removed all their coins from circulation and replaced them with smaller more compact coins that were lighter, as well as doing away with the 5 cent coin entirely. Why did they do this? Because people were WHINING that coins were too heavy. And then, what came after this initiative? YOU GUESSED IT. People began WHINING that coins were TOO SMALL, TOO LIGHT and they couldnt differentiate them. The exact same people!! Exhibit B: Recently Anchor Milk, a large conglomerate milk company repackaged their milk in light proof bottles to aid taste and help milk last longer. Were people thankful for this development? No. REMARKABLE! I have actually heard this next complaint THREE times from THREE different people. They literally say, "now I dont know how much milk I've got left." You have got to be fucking kidding me. I'll tell you how you find that out, mother fucker. Lift the milk bottle up, place it over your fat, stupid whiner head and turn it upside down. If you get covered in milk, YOU'VE GOT MILK LEFT. Seriously people, get real problems that aren't milk, coins, sitting for 15 minutes in traffic or a niggle in your knee. Like Crohn's Disease or pain disorders.

2. Cooking shows. EVERYWHERE.

And on the fifty six thousandth day, when Pharaoh remained unmoved, Moses called down a plague of fucking cooking shows. Seriously, I would be surprised if there are actually any other shows being made right now for television other than fucking cooking shows. Every. Single. Night. My Kitchen Shitty Rules. Masterchef cooks gizzards. New Zealand's Greatest Bake Off. Kitchen Nightmares. How To Cook Albanian Muskrat: A Cooking Special. Why are we watching this shit?! Especially when a good solid, 85% of the food being cooked is just fine dining gut splurging nonsense that you are being manipulated to believe is actually EDIBLE. This is just some sort of conspiracy to make my stick something in a gas oven. Most likely my head.

3. Water Rates.

The other day, I got given my monthly water bill. Let's not even get into the fact that water falls from the fuck knuckle sky and I have to pay for it. No, this is even more egregious. So I look down the line of charges that they're about to insert like a fiery rod of financial flame into my rectum. I look at the top line. What does it say? "Actual water usage fee: $6.50". Oh well, that's some pocket change, not actually that bad. Then my poor eye peers downward. "Fixed water charges: $16.60". KISS MY ASS. SERIOUSLY GET DOWN THERE AND FUCKING PUCKER UP WITH YOUR BULLSHIT LECHEROUS EXCUSE TO MAKE ME PAY FOR INVISIBLE SHIT. Well I'm sorry, water people. I am charging YOU a fixed bill reading and envelope opening charge of $16.60, thus negating yours.