Alright Gentlemen, Here’s Your Marriage 101… What About You? Are You Passing or Failing?

As, I have said before, being in ministry has allowed me to talk to many different people about their personal lives. I want to share with you re-current complaints I hear from couples whose marriages are struggling. I did a previous post for the ladies, about things the men say… This one is directed at the men. Here are some of the most common things I’ve heard married women talk about. Guys, If you want to help your marriage- keep these things in mind and practice them. They will go a VERY long way… You might be pleasantly surprised at how your wife responds.

1. Make Quality Time For Her

One of the things that your wife really loved about your relationship when you were first dating, was the attention you gave her. It’s not that your wife is needy, it’s that she craves that quality time in order to have a connection with you. Women, in general, love spending time talking, sharing and being around their partner. They want to hold your hand, and cuddle-up. So, put some time aside and tell her you just want to spend some time with her….I realize their are a lot of demands on you- you’ve got kids, work, checkbooks to balance, repairs around the house etc…. But, sit down and plan a little date for just you and her. Hold her hand, and put your arm around her.

2. Compliment Her

One of the saddest things to me, is to hear a woman say “My husband never tells me I’m beautiful anymore.” Guys, it may not seem like it to you, but this is actually a biggie. Don’t take your lady for granted. Tell her she is beautiful. Again, don’t compare her to Sports Illustrated Models…that’s not fair- Just look at her and compliment her on something. Her eyes, her smile, hair…. SOMETHING! 🙂 which brings me to my next point…

3. Don’t Compare Her to Other Women!

Gentlemen, Puuuuhleease- do not compare your wife to other women. Not fair. You don’t want her to do it to you, so don’t do it to her. When the football cheerleaders come out and shake their pom poms and tushies, keep your tongue in your mouth and bite your lip. This would be a perfect opportunity to turn to your lady and say “Babe, you out do them all!”…. No, I’m not kidding. When the Victoria’s Secret commercials come on- turn the channel OR say “Honey, you’d look great in that…”

Also- if you subscribe to magazines, like Maxim or Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Issue- get rid of them. They’re insulting to your wife, even though she might not say it. It also portrays women as sex objects only. That’s not fair, nor is it respectful. Sorry, it may sound harsh…. but, it only makes your wife feel like she can’t live up to those images… I hear it all the time.

4. Get Rid of the Porn

Get off the porn websites. This is one thing that is destroying marriages everywhere. Guys, don’t stay up late and say your “working”….your wife knows that you’re popping onto those websites. It’s not fooling her, even if you’re erasing the history on the computer…. Porn is very addicting, but it honestly destroys the marriage bed and makes your wife cut herself off from you and put up a wall. She can’t feel comfortable sharing herself completely if she senses that you’ve been straying on the computer. She needs to trust you. That’s one of the most important things in a marriage.

5. Don’t Keep Secrets From Her

Wives hate to be kept in the dark, just like you do. Don’t hide things from her. Guys, hiding finances here and there is also a biggie. Don’t do it. Tell her things that are going on, and share things with her that are troubling you…She wants to be involved.

6. Don’t Flirt!

The stories I hear about this, sometimes have me on the floor laughing….Here’s a perfect scenario… You’re sitting on the airplane ready for your business trip, the hot babe walks on, her seat is assigned next to yours… you immediately try to turn on the flirt and charm that says ‘I still got it’…“Let me help you stow your bag in the overhead bin…I didn’t get my 5 mile run and bench press work out in today…then you go into the deep voice laugh… heh, heh, heh….” Meanwhile, she’s thinking “GAG!” And she knows you don’t run and work out any way because you’ve got the belly, and bloated carb face going, worn out loafers, black socks and the after shave smell that really says I’M MARRIED, AND IF MY WIFE WAS HERE, I’D GET MY _ _ S KICKED RIGHT NOW…. 🙂

Okay…so just don’t flirt alright. You don’t want her too, so reciprocate…

You might not think it matters but it does…Oh, it SOOOO does. Here are some wardrobe tips that your wife does care about, even though you think she doesn’t…

-Go to your dresser, and get rid of your old boxers or briefs, you know why…they’re gross. Just do it…

-While you’re in your dresser throw out all of your mom jeans! Not sure what those are? They are the ones that are faded denim blue, with tapered legs that hit just about at the bottom of your ankle. Today is the day to part with those suckers!….. and NO you cannot keep them for your “work in the yard” pants, because we all know you’ll sneak and wear them out to the mall, the grocery store and the sport’s bar…. just close your eyes and throw them in the trash. While you’re at it, the one inch black/brown belt you always wear with them gets chucked out too. (Then, go to the store. They don’t have to be expensive. Everyone is on a budget. I know. Target has a good selection. So does Kohls. Get very dark blue jeans for guys, that have a longer length. If you’re still not sure what kind, just look in the magazine flyers that come out every Sunday in the paper, cut them out and bring them with you.)

-Next stop: hairdresser/barber. If you’re not sure what kind of cut to get, (because your wife always tells you)- just say “I want to look current, and professional, get rid of the old and style it up a bit.”

-Lastly, if you wear glasses, update them. Sally Jessie Raphael isn’t on TV anymore. That was the 80’s, maybe early 90’s, so go to Pearl Vision and pick out something new. They have helpful people there.

-Start an exercise routine. You want your lady to keep herself attractive, but the same rules apply to you. Beer bellies only get in the way of you being able to hold her closer 🙂

8. Bedtime Etiquette

Okay- guys… Here’s the fun part for you. Do these things, and you have better chances of a great night. And, NO- you can’t skip all the others listed above and just do this part . It doesn’t work that way… I know that’s what you’re thinking 🙂

Even though you’ve been married for a while, there is nothing that turns a lady off more than when you approach bed with old boxers, scratching yourself, take a big inhale, exhale….burp…look at her with out-of-date glasses and turn on your C-PAP machine. It makes her feel like she’s going to bed with a combination of Peter Griffin, from Family Guy and Darth Vader…..So, wait a minute and do these things first!

* Wear your new boxers/briefs to bed… or new pajama bottoms. Nothing gross or scaggy! Ewwww!

*Spritz some of your cologne on the back of your neck. Touch up the arm-pits with deodorant. Your wife loves it when you smell nice!

*Brush your teeth, but SKIP the Listerine. It tastes gross, like medicine.

*Pillow talk first. Hold her hand. Ask her about her day. Tell her you missed her. Let her talk a little bit.

*Give her a chance to warm up and feel connected…then move on from there.

9. Lastly, Manners and Humility Go A Long Way…

– Open doors for her.

-When you take her out, hold her coat while she puts it on.

-If it’s cold or raining, drop her off at the front of your destination, then go park the car.

-Pull out chairs for her.

-Say please and thank you when she does things for you. Even if they are small.

-If you and she have children, tell her she’s a great mom and you’re glad you married her.

-If you have done something wrong. Just apologize and ask her to forgive you for what you did. No sarcasm allowed. Be sincere. 🙂

Again, it doesn’t matter if you’ve been married one week, one year, five, ten, 20, 30+ years. These are helpful tips to a healthy marriage.

*Helpful Book: The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman

*There were also several books listed in the post directed at the ladies.

Disclaimer: Spousal abuse doesn’t just happen to women. It happens to men too. So Gentlemen, if the woman in your life is physically or emotionally abusing you. Get out and get help. You shouldn’t be treated that way. You are not obligated to stay under those conditions. Safety first!

i was married for 34 years. to the same woman. i wish she were still in this world. it took years to refine the relationship to where it was a hugely supportive,and rewarding institution. here is the key; never stop attending to each other the way you did when courting…flirt, spoil each other,build each other UP. listen. complement. say thank you sincerely (your partner doesn’t HAVE to do anything for you). let the little stuff go. give space when needed. call or send sweet messages a few times a day.it’s a form of foreplay. if guys learn to be patient in bed, they will get a lot more satisfaction. women usually hate to be rushed. marriage is a bank account; make frequent deposits: you’ll end up rich! if you run it down, you go broke.

I have to agree with you about most of the Ladies and Gentlemen posts, except for the cologne. I HATE cologne, won’t use it, don’t want my husband to use it. From the time we wake up in the morning, until we go to bed, we are ‘assaulted’ by scents. What do I find sexy? My husbands natural scent. (No, not BO!, although after we have both been doing heavy outdoor work, it isn’t that offensive.) Oh, and my husband always offers to let me out at the door during inclement weather, I usually refuse. I would rather walk with him in the rain, than wait for him out of the rain.