Rays of Hope: Living with fertility challenges.

Rays of Hope: Living with fertility challenges.

Where did the time go? In less than twelve months I will turn forty years old. I really don’t know how time just slipped away so quickly.

As a young girl I was always ambitious and focused, and I knew that one day I would start my own family. Nonetheless, my family plans were always postponed in my early adulthood. There was always something else I wanted to do first, and I planned my life out so precisely with the intention to capture every life experience possible. Whether it was travel, career or financial security, I didn’t want to miss out and therefore, it was never ‘the right time’. Now I am reaching those ‘mature years’ (as my doctor describes it) and I’m faced with the possibility that biological children may never be in my future.

It’s funny as I reflect on my late twenties and early thirties, and I recall many friends starting their own families at that time. Yet, back then, it never really concerned me; I didn’t feel that I was missing out. Being surrounded by rounded bellies or pregnancy announcements was exciting; it felt ‘grown up’. The reality was that I was not ready to start my own family back then. I was happy to be the intermittent aunt, remaining on track with my life goals.

I finally settled down in my mid-thirties, getting married and finally starting to plan our baby journey. We had anticipated falling pregnant quickly; we underestimated how difficult that would be.
After four miscarriages and almost three years of fertility challenges, life had spun me a wild card, and with each year my odds are diminishing. Looking around me, this reality can feel overwhelming; with signs of pregnancy and young families seeming to taunt me and my childless state.

Unfortunately however, this is not something I can control or fix with a quick solution. I cannot hide away and dwell in the despair and hopelessness of this predicament; nor can I become resentful of the fact that others have what I cannot. Without a lie, there have of course been moments where this darkness began to envelope my every thought, where I felt self-pity, regret and even jealousy. But these were just moments. It has always been important to pull myself out of the darkness, look around, and find a way through that cloud – and quickly.

Finding hope, a way forward, this is the only choice that promises survival through this constant battle. Infertility is a disease – it is something that needs to be managed. Like all diseases some find a cure, others don’t. Facing that reality is the first step to owning your condition, and ultimately conquering it!

It is an incredibly difficult road though to walk along. Sometimes it feels that everything you face on this journey constantly places you at a disadvantage. Every cycle leaves you with anticipation and then discouragement; doctors try to provide answers which often send you in circles to different specialists; and your body takes you through a rollercoaster of physical and emotional question marks as you seek out each possible opportunity to successfully conceive and carry a baby.

Yet no one really wants to talk about it. The topic of miscarriage or infertility is not a very comfortable topic of conversation. It feels as though each time you fall over, you need to quickly get up, dust off the dirt and hope that no one around you had observed. You continue walking, desperately trying to hide the fact that you’re hurt; all the time displaying a false smile that says ‘I’m okay’. But you’re not okay. You are broken a little inside, and each loss makes it even harder to get up and keep walking. Sometimes you just need to stop and sit down, catch your breath and give yourself time to rest and recover. But we don’t stay sitting for too long. We need to get up and continue on.

It is certainly not easy to remain positive amidst all this. Sometimes, it is simply not about being positive, it is just focusing on being hopeful. Personally, I can only continue to hope that no matter what, I will find my own happy ending.
No matter what happens, I am determined. I will continue to explore my options until there are no more; and if that fails, I will aim to find peace with my future, whatever that may be. Whilst that is a difficult thought to reconcile, I realise that my relationships, my life and any opportunities for contentment rely completely on my own mind-set throughout all of this. If I cannot get myself through this, no one else can. Despite the storm which currently thunders overhead, I will keep searching for my rainbow – my future of happiness – and when I catch it I will glorify in all of its beauty.

Rachel McGrath

To see more of Rachel McGrath's work, click the link to her website or scroll down to the bottom of the page to view her member details Finding The Rainbow Website

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Written by Rachel McGrath

Where did the time go? In less than twelve months I will turn forty years old. I really do not know how time just slipped away so quickly. As a young girl I was always ambitious and focused, and I knew that one day I...

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