1 Green Apples (reduced from 2, which is the original recipe from Joe’s movie)

1/2 Lemon

1 piece of ginger

Mmmm…green goodness.

Dinner: Red Tornado Juice:

3 tomatos

1 red pepper

1/4 small red onion

1/2 lime

2 stalks celery

1 cucumber

I did get hungry around 7 and ate about 3-4 oz tuna. I don’t see any reason to be hungry. I think my objective will be to get in 2 pints of vegetable juice daily, and I’m going to stop eating after dinner. But hunger sucks.

I have a suspicion that my current state of malaise and poor health (as evidenced by labs) has something to do with a nutritional deficiency. I could spend $350 in addition to the thousand or so I’m already in the process of spending to find out if I indeed have a nutrient deficiency…or I could spend $100 on a juicer and give it a try. I opt for the latter.

I have 2 inspirations for this choice: the first is Terry Wahls and her journey toward health and recovery from Multiple Sclerosis. Here’s her Ted talk:

She recommends eating 9 cups of fruits and vegetables a day. In addition to a paleo template. That seems like an awful lot of work to me. These days I can’t seem to bring myself to nuke frozen broccoli. The payoff isn’t great enough for having to endure the taste, texture, and limited nutritional benefit available from consuming one vegetable. So I don’t. But I have great respect for Ms. Wahls’ journey, and think she’s on to something.

My other inspiration is Joe Cross from Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. Here’s the trailer for his flick (available on Netflix and Hulu for free):

I feel depressed and anxious…all the time. There’s no good reason for it. I look around me and there’s NOTHING WRONG. My little girl is beautiful and thriving, my husband loves me and never gives me a reason to doubt anything about our relationship, I have a good job and live in a beautiful place….and yet I’m always feeling like crap and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Well newsflash, THERE’S NO SHOE. The first one hasn’t even dropped yet. This afternoon I was sitting out on our balcony with my 2 year old blowing bubbles and it felt like “something is wrong.” What the hell could be wrong? Nothing. That’s how I know this is biological. There’s something wrong with my body that is screwing with my thoughts. I’m sick of it. Eating meat, eating seafood, eating fat – none of this is hurting (and I feel a lot better than I used to) but I don’t feel GOOD yet. I’m tired of feeling this way.

I remember when I was in my 20s I used to get on the back of some dude’s motorcycle – no helmet, mind you – and drive off to the nearest lake or bar, and just have fun. When is the last time I had fun…? Really. REALLY! I don’t have fun. There’s something wrong with my body and my brain and I need to fix it. And doing more of the same thing that isn’t working isn’t going to help.

So bring on the nutrients. Beginning tomorrow I’m going to eat a high protein breakfast (probably seafood and eggs) and nothing but juice for the rest of the day. I’m going to do this for a few days. After 3 days I’m going to try to drink fresh vegetable/fruit juice all day long. I’m going to give my brain – my mitochondria – what it needs to operate. It’s amazing how much nutrition you can pack into a cup of juice. Way more kale, zucchini, apple, carrot, and spinach than you can possibly eat.

This may be expensive…I don’t care. I just saved $350 by not getting nutritional testing done. Right?

I’m going to do this for at least 10 days. Maybe longer. What I’m looking for is relief – relief from the depression, the anxiety, the fatigue.

I’ll report back.

A final note about labs – some of the testing I’m having done is in the works and will take a while to get back. I’ll post when I have news. Also, along with my cortisol testing I ordered a DHEA test – they forgot to include that with my results, and will have it for me this week. I’ll post when I have it.

Cortisol testing, with comparison to my March results (the bigger graph is the current one):

3/23/2012

11/14/2012

Units

Range

Cortisol Morning

9.6 (high)

7.6

ng/mL

3.7-9.5

Cortisol Noon

1.3

1.3

ng/mL

1.2-3.0

Cortisol Evening

0.9

1.3

ng/mL

0.6-1.9

Cortisol Night

0.5

1.6 (high)

ng/mL

0.4-1.0

March 2012

November 2012

Any thoughts are welcome. This weekend I’ll have time to research what this all means. And yes, I’ll be posting in Jack’s forum once it’s operational again. As much as I try to quit the Kruse forum, it keeps pulling me back in.

It’s quite simple as long as you don’t get bogged down in a preconceived notion about the term. Usually “hedonism” refers to doing things that feel good in the moment such as eating decadent things, having sex with random (or at least adventurous) partners, and drinking booze with abandon. There is an implicit selfishness about it, a kind of “live for today” mentality. That’s not what I’m talking about.

I’m talking very specifically about doing what feels good and not doing what doesn’t feel good. In doing Jack Kruse’s Leptin Rx and CT I ignored that things didn’t feel good some of the time, because of the promise of feeling and looking better, and of living longer. So far these results haven’t panned out (although I am still alive, seemingly). It was difficult working out the time to take 30 minute cold baths every day, and even more difficult to withstand the core body temp “afterdrop” following it. It was also no fun being hungry as my blood sugar dropped between meals when I would go 5 or 6 hours without eating…but I was determined to stick to the prescribed 3 meals a day, no snacks. I missed out opportunities to share wine with friends and family. I avoided exercise, which used to make me feel good and helped my mood, my energy level, and my ability to cope with stress. High Intensity Interval Training was supposedly the exception, but that kind of exercise just makes me want to hit the inhaler. I don’t look forward to anything about it.

There were some good things I found in Dr. K’s prescriptions: I always feel best when I eat a BAB. I also feel best when I avoid diet coke (which I used to drink every day) and when I avoid sugar and all artificial sweeteners. I feel great when I don’t eat grains. I love grass-fed meat and coconut oil…two things I never would have tried if not for Dr. K. I also feel good eating more seafood, which I didn’t go out of my way to eat before. I also really love the way Kruse encourages people to use scientific feedback – labs – to measure their progress and to identify the cause of problems.

So what I’ve decided to do is take the good stuff I learned from Kruse, throw away the junk I don’t like, and add in the stuff that feels good that I’ve been avoiding (because he said to).

Here’s my TO DO list:

Exercise: I plan on doing cardio exercise most days – something low impact like the elliptical trainer on the lowest setting, with the intention not of burning calories but of helping my brain work better, reducing my fasting blood glucose, clearing my head, and exercising my cardiovascular system. When I do this first thing in the morning I typically have lots of energy all day long. I started this today with just 10 minutes. I’ll increase a minute every day or two until I’m at a half hour or so. In the past, my fasting blood sugar has dropped quickly when I was doing a half hour of biking on level terrain every day. And it felt great. I looked forward to it every day and even took off work some days to be sure I got my ride in.

Diet: I plan on continuing with a Paleo diet, including grass fed meat, seafood, vegetables, occasional fruit, lots of fat, and nuts. I’m going to shoot for 2-3 meals a day, but I’m not going to be hungry. If I’m hungry I’ll make a mental note to eat more at mealtime the next day, but I’m going to eat, dammit. Hunger sucks.

Yoga The other day I did a few yoga poses. I only did the ones that felt good – not the ones that make me feel fat or old. I didn’t do downward dog or warrior pose, or anything that required flexibility, balance, or strength. I just did child’s pose and cats pose…and it felt great. So I’m going to include yoga whenever I remember, only doing the poses that feel good. Sometimes this may be just savasanah. If it doesn’t feel good, I’m not doing it.

Alcohol: I’m going to drink alcohol sometimes. Maybe once a week. But sometimes. (Note: More than 3 drinks does NOT feel good. To me.)

BHRT – I’m going to continue with this. I want to have things in proper balance and then see how I feel. I’m currently between doctors, which is difficult, but I hope to make contact with a new one this week.

Labs – I’m going to get labs done this week and we can see where I’m at with a full thyroid panel (which I’ve never had), HS-CRP, Vitamin D, Adrenal Stress Index, metabolic panel, including VLDL (which I’ve also never had). I’m also thinking of some kind of test to evaluate for food intolerances. I’m going to hold off on a hormone panel till the right day of my cycle next month. This ought to give me some idea of how far I have (or haven’t) come this year, and a baseline for my hedonistic plan going forward.

Caffeine and supplements – Yes, and Yes. Caffeine pills work well for me without affecting my appetite. I haven’t been taking supplements since I moved…mostly just out of disorganization, but I’ll start again tomorrow. I’ll detail a list in a future post.

The WON’T list:

I won’t be hungry.

I wont eat till I’m too full in order to avoid eating between meals.

I won’t freeze my ass off if I don’t have to.

I won’t eat sugar or artificial sweeteners (much)

I won’t drink coffee or tea or anything else that makes me feel hungry after drinking it (much)

I won’t eat MSG (if I can avoid it)

Something has to give. I’m starting to doubt whether or not I can even be happy. Maybe my brain is so damaged from years of poor diet, disordered eating and depression that I just don’t have it in me to feel peaceful and joyful on a daily basis. I know it’s possible for people to be happy – my husband is a happy person, so I know that despair is not just the human condition. It’s my condition. My condition sucks, mentally and physically. I need to get better.

This plan is about trying to find happiness in the life that I have. As long as my health sucks my attitude and prognosis remain bleak. I don’t want my little girl growing up with a crazy, unpredictable, unhappy momma. I have to fix this.

So my plan involves stopping the rationalizations that say it’s ok to eat the Swedish meatballs at IKEA and “just a bite of chocolate cake won’t hurt”. It will hurt. It does hurt. My gut has hurt all day today because of these. It involves thinking for myself and not blindly following. It involves being honest and reporting that I suck at this sometimes. But I’m not giving up. I’m mad the world is the way it is with its Food Pyramid and it’s commercials and its Healthy Whole Grains and its brainwashed doctors. I need to fix myself. You know, so I can fix the world.

I mean, I’ve stuck with paleo and Jack Kruse and I’m not getting better. I can’t just keep doing things that aren’t working. That’s ridiculous.

This morning my fasting blood glucose was 105. About the same (or maybe a little lower) than where I started back in February. I’m still prediabetic.

Stepped on the scale this morning. 184.8. About 7 pounds lighter than where I was when I first started, but not much improvement after the very first few weeks. Same. Same weight. Still fat. Still feel fat and old.

I eat seafood about once a day. Sometimes more. The meat I eat is grass fed or organic. Dalliances are occasional potatoes or rice. Wheat is basically gone from my diet. Sugar was gone for about 6 months, but after seeing very little progress it’s inched its way back in a little. I eat some dark chocolate now and drink alcohol every 2-3 days.

This isn’t working for me. Jack Kruse has a lot to say, and he’s charismatic. He may be brilliant but I can’t understand him and I can’t afford his requisite labs and consults. He slams science, as if it’s his enemy. I’m a scientist. In doing this he disparages my upbringing, my beliefs, and my work.

I did CT. I did it for 2 months. I froze my bloody ass off nearly every day for 2 months. Yes, it helps with your blood sugar…so does exercise and anything else that utilizes stored energy to achieve homeostasis. Exercise is less unpleasant. And CT did NOT help me with mood, hormones, sex drive…it did NOT decrease my appetite…it did NOT result in weight loss. It was a pain in the ass, it was uncomfortable, and it didn’t help. Maybe it helps some people…but does it help them more than riding a bike at a moderate pace for 30 minutes a day? Dunno…no science to back it up. It’s all just anecdotes.

And about those anecdotes. How come there aren’t more success stories? How come the “success stories” part of the Kruse forum doesn’t include many new entries – only one or two a month? I intentionally overlooked this when I started CT, rationalizing that all the success stories would be coming soon…after people had been doing it a while. But where are they? There aren’t many.

I’m sure if anyone reads this I’ll ruffle some feathers. No one wants to hear that their guru is less than perfect. I wouldn’t have wanted to read something like this 2 or 3 months ago.

I think grains are bad. I’m eating a 95% grain free diet. So is my daughter and my husband. I imagine we’ll continue that. I think seafood is generally good. I’ll keep including it in my diet. It’s not a cure-all though. I don’t feel smarter, my memory hasn’t improved, and I don’t have cravings for raw fish heads because “intuitively” my body knows I need more.

I don’t know if adrenal fatigue is real.

I do suspect I’m close to menopause and I plan to continue with BHRT as long as I can afford the $125 a month plus labs and doctor’s visits. Then again, maybe I’ll just start exercising. That used to make me feel great. Is it possible Jack Kruse was wrong about exercise? Maybe I shouldn’t have put it on hold back in February, until further notice.

I’m not happy in my life right now. Anyone who reads this who knows anything about me would know that this isn’t just about Kruse or Paleo or CT. I’m just not happy. That’s why I’m spouting off on the internet. But that doesn’t negate the fact that I’m just not seeing results.

So I’m done with this.

This blog may or may not continue.

I don’t know what’s next.

I suspect I’m still looking for health, and I’ll probably continue this blog in that pursuit. Maybe I’ll be like the people on Facebook who record how many steps they climbed that day or how many pounds they lifted. Maybe I’ll let you watch as I try the next diet du jour.

I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I do know I’m done with this phase of my quest for health.

Ok, here’s the deal. My new job is kicking my ass and causing me all kinds of stress. I’ve never experienced anything like this. I’m having to train myself on the job, and I’ve been sending the owner of the company updates lately, letting her know I’ve been working 14-16 hour a day just to get up to speed, and could they please stop adding to my caseload until I have the job down just a little better. On Monday of this week I worked 17 straight hours – no lunch break – just about 20 minutes playing on the floor with my daughter at one point. It has been stupid crazy not fun. The expectations are too high, the work load is too high, the company is poorly run and they keep changing policy at whim and putting nothing in writing. Coming from a government job, this is like anarchy. The inmates running the asylum, so to speak. I keep reminding myself, “it’s just a job. It’s just a job. You can always leave.” I’ve been eating, sleeping, and dreaming this job, and I’m not sure I know anymore how to create boundaries and have a life outside of it. The only reason I’m staying at this point is that I’m hoping it gets better as I get better at it and I’m not constantly trying to figure out what I should be doing.

Eating…is ok…not great. Weight is stable. Hormones have been adjusted and now feel much better. If I would just start planning and having food prepared for the day before I go out in the morning I think I’d do ok. I’ve sort of resorted to my old mentality of using food as reward for a hard day. And alcohol. And because all the days are hard right now there are lots of rewards. If it wasn’t all so hard I’d beat myself up about it. I have compassion for myself though because these are pretty aversive circumstances.

That being said, California is beautiful, amazing. The people are nice and the culture is wonderful. Scenery: A+. I miss my people though. I don’t have people here…cept of course my family. I’m lucky in many many ways. I guess I should accept that things will never be perfect. There is no perfect. It’s about how you manage the journey of life.

Hi and Welcome!

I'm Lanie - Middle aged and diagnosed with hypertension, diabetes and general fatness, I'm determined to be healthy again and set a good example for my 7-year old daughter. Please join me in my health-seeking adventures.

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