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Mother’s Day Potpourri – TheStarterMom

So when I first brought up the idea of doing a Mother’s Day Post, I really didn’t know how I felt about telling my mom about this site. (I WASN’T THE ONLY ONE MOM, SO DON’T FEEL BAD!)

First, the actual email I sent to the rest of the Ladies predicting how this whole thing would go down, and then the real conversation I did have with my mother. (Where she uses the word “handsome” quiet often.)

This is going to be the conversation -

“Why are you called ‘TheStarterWife’? Are you and #### getting married? You’re not going to run to Vegas without me are you?”

“Ok. Who is Gigi Grazer? Do you know her?”

“Oh. Yes. Well, do you have the book so I can read it?”

“But if the book is so bad, why do you use the title for a nickname?”

“Oh, so she married a producer who gets her books published. Well you can have books published. Are you still writing? You know people ask me all the time if you are going back to comedy. You really should do that. I thought you were very funny. Why didn’t you tell me about this blog? What is a blog again?”

“What do you mean I cannot tell anyone about this blog. You’re extended family loves you would love to read this. They’re always asking about you. Maybe I’ll send it to your cousin Sue in San Francisco. She writes for all those websites you know. Are you going to your cousin Charlotte’s wedding in July? Have you booked your flights?”

“Now, sweetie, I can hear when your gritting your teeth through the phone.”

And how it really went:

“So mom, um, yeah… before you go I need to ask you something. I’ve been writing on this website with a bunch of other girls about hot athletes and I need to know if you have any favorite hot athletes I can post for Mother’s Day.”

“Hot athlete… ”

“Don’t worry if you don’t have any, I can always just throw up a picture of Mark Hamill or Paul Simon.”

“No, the one they lost in the late ’70’s with Orange Crush. You’d be too young to remember.”

Sounds of me stumbling for sports almanac… “Craig Morton? I’d have to see a picture.”

“Maybe that was him. He was really cute.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t say Mario Lemieux.”

“Mario Lemieux goes without saying. He’s Mario.”

“So I have Joe Namath, OJ Simpson, Craig Morton, and Mario Lemieux.”

“Don’t say OJ Simpson!”

“Mom, people liked OJ Simpson, he was in all those Naked Gun movies…”

“I know! It is such a shame how he went bad. He won the Heisman you know.”

A brief moment of shock that my mom knew about the Heisman winners. “He was in all those commercials too. The whole thing is just awful.”

“He was also in that HBO series about football…”

“1st and 10.”

“Right. Back when HBO first started doing original programming.”

“Back when Delta Burke was skinny. Same time they had Not Necessarily The News.”

“Yep. When Delta Burke was skinny.”

“I think Delta Burke is back to being skinny.”

“OH! You know who I just met the other week and he was really handsome, Dwight White.”

“The Steeler? Where were you that you met Dwight White?”

“He was a charity event I attended for volunteers. He was very handsome, and was very patient and stayed and answered questions and signed autographs for everyone.”

“He was part of the Steel Curtain. People love their Steelers.”

“Yes certainly they do. Use Dwight White. He seemed very nice.”

Mom – Now that I have sent you a link to this blog, please do not share it with the rest of the family. And don’t read the archives! Anything I might have said that insinuated gambling or drinking to excess was just used for dramatic effect.

I didn’t have a picture to use of the both us that I didn’t think I looked fat in, so I am using this picture of the two of us.

Hi StarterMom. How’s the weather? How are you doing? Happy Mother’s Day, by the way! (Yes, I know I have to call my mom, too.)

And yes, I condone TheStarterWife’s participation and various ooglings of men. I do it because she lets me keep Splorg around the house and she still bakes the single greatest apple pie in the known Universe.

And um, by the way, we’re off to get married in Vegas tomorrow. GOTTA GO… BYE!

Baba – Don’t not make me post pictures of my apple pies. (Don’t ask, but when they come out really well, I take pictures. Now I have a hard drive full of pie pictures. And turkeys, but a good looking bird is nothing to sneeze at.)

1) Space Camp
2) Girls Just Want to Have Fun with Helen Hunt and Sarah Jessica Parker.
3) Major League (I kid you not, she gets choked up at the end when Corbin Benson tells Charlie Sheen to get the last out.)
4) Star Wars
5) Owning more music that all of do us combined.

TSW, Baba Oje, YA GOT NUTHIN’, I said NUTHIN’ on my pies. I’ve got a sweet potato pie that you will literally kill for. I will challenge you with any style of pie, as I have access to unlimited quality produce here in North Carolina. I’ll take all y’all on…

You are way braver than I could ever be- as I have told neither my mom nor dad about this place. I did tell my brother, though, so I suppose it’s only a matter of time. Now that I think about it, they’ve probably already found this place, and are just too polite to tell me.

Happy (belated) Mother’s Day to TSWMom- and thanks for the Dwight White tip, he would totally have been my type too back in the day.