Getting Harder

I managed to jam my morning with things to accomplish, but now I have some down time and I am not handling it well.

My frustrations are many: first, this stomach bug still has me. I’m tired of broth. I want to eat food. This sucks. Second, I am now craving a vice of some form to help me deal with my off time. I am not going to acknowledge that feeling, and certainly not indulge it. However, it’s hard to suppress something so familiar. It’s also abundantly and closely available, which makes it even more of a challenge. But I am persevering. I have not crumbled in the face of temptation. I hope I can continue to do that.

I drafted in my money league. I have a decent team, but not very deep at wide receiver. My running backs are also a tad suspect as Le’Veon Bell won’t play the first three games of the season. Cost me my first pick to get him, but if he stays healthy, I may have the best RB in the league. We will have to see how it plays out, but I had hoped for better than what I got.

I spent some time in the shower but I didn’t meditate. I did a half mile on the elliptical, as I was quite sore from the two miles I did yesterday. I will get back up there and do another half mile later.

I called my dad. He was doing good. I told him about the draft and we caught up for a bit.

This is my issue: how am I handling that time when nothing is going on? I can’t just live from distraction to distraction. I need to be able to be alone, and at peace. I’m not thinking any negative thoughts. I’m not sad or overly anxious. I am getting clingy to the idea of indulgence, but I still don’t believe that doing so is a good idea. I need more of a break than I have had so far. I need to give it more time before reassessing and establishing new boundaries for myself. I’m not at the confidence level yet to say that I am strong enough to manage that, and it will take my continued denial of temptation that should promote growth in a positive direction.

As the day goes on, and my processes continue to be worked out, I pause and reflect on the steps I have taken so far to get to this point.

My Profile

I was diagnosed with Bipolar I in 2003 and have largely fallen flat on my face in my attempts to live successfully with this illness. I looked for meaning outside my self, and sought partnership, love and the comfort provided. As a result of never properly caring for my mental health, I was divorced twice, attempted suicide twice and have been hospitalized in three different California counties. I have absorbed the weight of my transgressions and decided to move forward towards meaning.
In 2013 I started investing in my recovery on a personal basis. I acquired skills, pursued introspection and began to take my illness very seriously. I did not want to commit suicide again. I had a fundamental desire to live with pride, and help those who could not help themselves. I wanted to reach out a friendly hand, much the way a hand had been offered to me when I needed it most. I knew I had caused pain in my past, and I did not want to be remembered as just that person who had lived that regrettable life.
Now, I work for the National Alliance on Mental Illness in Sacramento and I am the program coordinator for our Connection Recovery Support Groups. I do outreach, grant writing, website administration and I also work for NAMIWalks as a the 2019 Sponsorship Chairman. I hope to earn a place in the mental healthcare network here in my community and will work tirelessly towards promoting positive messages about the truth, hope and meaning of recovery.