Getting down to business.

So, anyone who knows me or has ever read any blog posts here knows I’m not the best at motivating myself. However, in order to break the cocoon-like mold I’ve invested time and energy into forming for myself over my almost 26 years of existence in this current life form, I want to talk about the complete opposite of that negative ish. Sometimes, I’m really, really good at motivating other people.

In a group setting, where we’ve all got a similar goal, like school or work, I tend to take control. I actively try not to sometimes, because it’s stressful to sheep dog people into predetermined tasks, and there are more charismatic and mentally healthy people who are probably better equipped. This is especially true in college where I don’t give a fuck if they pass or not. That’s not entirely true, though. I’m kind of a liar. I really want people to succeed. I want me to succeed, too. But let’s be real. I’m kind of self destructive. Pushing others is a lot easier than pushing myself. I’ve made myself perfectly suited to being in a vacuum of failures over the years, but sitting in a group and watching it happen to others gets to me. I’m good at jumping into action when someone’s needed. I’m opinionated, and a good judge of character, and as much as I protest, I kind of like people(?).

Sometimes, I wish these set ups could be forced on me in real-life, every day situations. If every blog and project idea were by committee, I would do so well. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying the only thing I’m good at is getting other people to work. I don’t just assign tasks and then fall into boring managerial status. I’m only ever motivated when people are counting on me. It likely has to do with the fact that I’m always searching for praise. I don’t value my own praise, we’ve determined that. But convincing people to work with me, us all putting in the work and getting things done? It’s satisfying.

I wish that satisfaction were achievable in all areas, but it isn’t. It’s good for school, or work, where there goals are obtainable. But it gets murky when the future isn’t easy to see or grasp. The flaws come in when those people I’m supposed to be corralling aren’t obligated to anything. In these instances, though, I’m not exactly obligated either, so I don’t put in that extra work to motivate or inspire. But that’s not the point!! That’s getting into negative territory. Stay out of there!!

Jokes aside, I do think this could be the key to me breaking into some self motivation. If I can do it for other people, why not myself? If I can do it when I’m obligated, how do I turn that around and create my own obligations? How do I corral myself?

We’re all on a journey, and I think this is mine: learning to manage myself and my goals and dreams.

I don’t think I’m owed or destined or deserving for anything. It all takes work. Sure, nepotism and wealth are nice for getting things, too. But those aren’t options for me. The only option for me is getting to fucking work. And I wish it were as easy as writing a positive message on a post-it, but self destructive tendencies are hard to shake.