Tuesday, May 7, 2013

The Naked Ape: The Beast That Killed Women, Part 7

At this point, for those that have been following along in something other than a slightly incoherent haze, our beast of The Beast That Killed Women has killed exactly one woman. Hopefully he can make it to two so it's actually women, but I suspect that would cut down on the talking heads/bouncing boobs scenes, so I don't expect that to happen.

She's not laughing, she's screaming. Really.

Our beast, who not only looks like an area rug but is about as dumb as one, swallows the police woman bait whole and starts our movie's final Benny Hill sketch act.

The beast hears the waiting police men coming and the chase is on! Note that in this context "chase" is defined as "leisurely stroll in ape costume while grunting."

And our beast goes down like the sack of crap he is. Not with a whimper, but with a final ook ook and then the guy in an ape suit rolls around looking for a good position to die in. It's not a dignified death.

None of the night scenes are lit well, and the ape being pitch black doesn't help. Luckily, the directory thought ahead this time and lit the scene by diffusion from 1000 watt white shorts.

Disney's World Famous Jungle Cruises -- Sleaze Edition!

We've got 10 minutes left so a slime ball welcomes all our soon to be naked campers back, including a woman wearing a giant green mumu -- now we now how the beast snuck in.

Then more scenes in the locker room, more nude woods walking (will nobody think of the chiggers?), more nude swimming, and just more general nudie-ness. It's almost as if the film wasn't focused on the beast, the one that killed women or the one that scored well in the naked beach volleyball tournament.

How the hell do you water those plants above the sliding glass door?

Hey, a resolution! The cops get a tip and arrest this women, who I assume is the owner of the ape. Nothing is said. There are no lines. They lead her away, and that's that.

Drama! Tension! Excitement! All words we can't use here!

The last 10 minutes of this film consists of some of the loudest ambient insect noise I've heard, and I've seen the movie Swarm. Oddly, in this scene, it's a cacophony of children screaming. No joke: It stops when they are in the house, but is incredibly loud by the pool and in the front yard. And there's nary a child to be seen! It's a weird choice in a movie about boobs and butts! Is it the ambient noises of a bunch of horny 16 year olds trying to climb over the drive-in fence?

My summer camp experiences sadly had 100% less boobs.

And finally, another visit from our two bed buddies who spent the entire film cowering in bed at every noise or at the completely unnecessary fear of a violent, 400 pound animal. Wusses! I'd call them something else, but that wasn't allowed in the 60s nudie cutie genre.

And here ends our story about The Beast That Killed that One Lady or At Least Made Her Soil Her Pants, and Made the Other Lady Burst Out Laughing, plus Boobs.