Monday, 14 May 2012

Haters Gonna Hate - On Birthdays

Birthday week is upon us and for me its accompanied with a mixture of excitement and dread, I shall be turning the ripe old age of 29, the grey hairs are showing, I have little to show for my years on earth and all celebration generally leaves me with disappointment. So there it is, Haters gonna hate, and I hate on Birthday. So why do I hate them? Is it the thought of getting a year older, dealing with my family, feeling awkward as people sing me happy birthday or is something else entirely.

Contemplating Birthdays and hiding my greys with a Hoody

There is always a hype, an excited feeling in my stomach when it rolls into Birthday week. I would be lying if I didn't say the idea of being spoilt didn't appeal to me, after all this is the one day of the year that should be all about me. Maybe this is a selfish thought on my behalf because it very rarely turns out that way. Every year I try not to get my hopes up but so far at 29 years Ive not been able to achieve this. Expectation always leads to disappointment so I need to learn to not give a shit I think.

I also think that I am cursed, its what I like to refer to as the Birthday Curse. Every year around my birthday some terrible event happens to me. Over the years this has included engine fires, deaths, thiefings and broken bones. I can hear you sitting there and mumbling that the timing could all be a giant coincidence but I'm not convinced. I am constantly at the ready during Birthday week for the Zombie Apocalypse because being my luck this is when it would strike (but at least then I could take myself on a shopping spree in the empty shopping centres hmmmm). If it happens I hope for old school Zombies because I don't particularly feel like running on my birthday. Big Girls gotta eat cake you know

I dont wanna share my cake

Its not been all bad, don’t get
me wrong. There has been a smattering of good experiences in there, or memories
that make me smile

This memory is funny for the
information that I found out afterwards but its still an amazing present so it
needs to be mentioned. For my 21st Birthday Ikea flat pack decided
that Diamonds really were a girls best friend and he set out on a mission to get me something
that I could keep for ever. He decided on a diamond necklace and set about diligently walking the shops comparing prices. In one such shop he found a beautiful pendant that he wanted for me and on enquiring to the shop assistant for the price, he was asked "So is this for your boyfriend?" Ikea Flat Pack quickly shot back "NO ITS FOR MY GIRLFRIEND, I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND" and promptly left the shop. I did end up getting a very gorgeous diamond pendant from a different shop, as I was his girlfriend, because after all he did have a girlfriend

Is this for your Boyfriend?

This is a story of a Blue Eyed Boy and a Slinky. It was coming up to my 25th Birthday
and as always I was filled with dread about the impending event, as a birthday
outing, the boy I was seeing at the time decided that a celebratory trip to
TimeZone was in order. After playing for a few hours we had enough tickets to
pick prizes and me being the excitable kid that I am decided that there was no
other prize in the world that I wanted more than a Slinky. Proudly brandishing
my new slinky we headed off with our spirits at an all time jovial high. The
next morning whilst I was at work my phone started to ring and on answering it I
was met by the Slinky Song (it goes along the lines of “slinky, slinky everyone
loves a slinky”) and then a loud BYE. I sat there rather miffed, it was my
birthday after all, surely the blue eyed boy hadn’t forgotten. After about 30
seconds the phone rang again and I heard “Oh yeah, Happy Birthday Bubbles”. It
seems that he was possibly so excited about the slinky that he forgot the
business at hand, but indeed all is well that ends well. I still have the
slinky, it sits on my mantle piece and every time I look at it I cant help but
smile and sing the slinky song in my head.The year of the slinky was also the year of the Tomei Oil cap, a present still that I have to wrestle off people who try and steal it, gives me a legit extra 20hp

This is THE slinky

Fast forward a few years to my 28th
Birthday, an event was to happen that would surpass all other things in my life
to this point. Being the some what deviant that I am, a trip to the strippers
was the only possibly course of birthday action. I rallied my friends and we
headed off to the Voodoo lounge in Northbridge, honestly what better night
could someone ask for, naked ladies and all of my friends. Early on in the
night I saw one of my amazing friends walking around slyly getting money off everyone
that was there and I started to think that there was more going on than I had originally
thought. It was really no secret that I had a thing for one of the girls that
worked there, her name was Lola and she is totally not the normal kind of girl
that I would look at, she is clean skinned, amazingly curvy and has the most
intense eyes I have ever come across, to the point that when she looked at me I
would throw my money at her without her even taking her clothes off. Well I was
later to find out that as a birthday treat for me, everyone had put in to get
me Lola. I was called up on stage, got whipped (I thank my lucky stars that I
remembered to put knickers on that night because having your dress lifted up
without underwear would have been awkward), covered in lotion, given a lighter
and some candle wax and told to go to town. It was the best 20 minutes of my
life and I was left speechless (this never happens) and didn’t need to watch
porn for a whole two months. To everyone that was involved in that night, my
gratitude can not be put into words and to everyone that missed it, sucks to be
you.

I've been blessed for the last 6 years to have a Birthday Fairy in the form of one of my best friends Krystal. She is one of the most generous people you will ever meet in your life and she makes it her mission every year to ensure that my Birthday can be as amazing as possible. Every year she raises the bar and this year the bar was raised to 3D Robot Invitations and Lolly Bags. Despite everything thats going on with my life I know there is always going to be a surprise from her and it makes the Birthday Curse easier to deal with, for her I am eternally greatful

I guess really birthdays are inevitable so I should just suck it up, realise that dollies and multitudes of presents are for little girls and I just need to get on with my life, after all really just like New Years Eve its just another day on the slow march towards death