My beloved sheep, I’ve been rather busy of late and have neglected to astound you all with my infinite wisdom on this blog.

So why break My silence now? Well, as you know, I work in mysterious ways and My blogging is no different. But there is a disturbance in My awesome force, and that disturbance is caused by that pesky Richard Dawkins’ latest written blasphemy – “The Greatest Show On Earth – The Evidence For Evolution”.

He opens his new attack on Me by highlighting the following:

“In 2008, a Gallup poll showed that 44% of Americans believed I created you in your present form within the last 10,000 years. In a Pew Forum poll that same year, 42% believed that all life existed on earth has existed in its present form since the beginning of time”

Now, I didn’t need a poll to tell Me what I already know (I already know everything), but what it does show you is that there are over 50% of you miserable little brats that are slipping down the path to eternal damnation. That’s far too high a number. I want 100% of you to love me and everything I do, at all times. No exceptions. And what’s with the “10,000 years”? Is it so difficult for you to grasp that My Brilliance took just 7 days to achieve?? Wow.

The heathen Dawkins, once again, has the audacity to claim that not only did I not create you in 7 days (or even 10,000 years!) and – wait for it – has “evidence” to prove it (presuming “evidence” would change your faithful mind – be warned!!). And, worse, that you evolved from bacteria – “shit” in other words. This is Dawkins’ way of telling you that you lot are just overgrown and overdeveloped dumb shits! That’s a weak alternative to my eternal offering: I don’t just remind you of your worthlessness, I actually make you feel that way – every day!

What Dawkins fails to realize of course is that I also created all the “evidence” that he points to, and I mean everything:

– the ability of dog breeding and artificial selection
– the radioactive decay that allows carbon dating and radioactive clocks
– the fact that the processes of genetic mutations and evolution are taking place “before your very eyes”
– the exhaustive fossil record
– the gastrulation and neuruation processes during embryonic development
– the geographic distribution (allopatric) speciation
– plate tectonics
– the shared skeletal structures and the shared DNA across species
– the molecular clock
– and all My rather fine examples of “unintelligent design”

I did it all! That’s all Me at My finest, Dawkins.

Now the obvious question you might ask at this stage is the following: if I created all this “evidence” to disprove My Majestic Hand in your creation, then why did I do it? And as usual, I knew you were going to ask that question because I know everything.

I won’t go into each and every example of the “evidence” Dawkins lays out (although I have infinite time and capacity, I don’t have infinite patience – I designed Myself that way). However, I will comprehensively strike down upon three of these examples with great vengeance and furious anger:

1. Ability of dog breeding and artificial selection – easy. The isn’t an “ability”, it is a gift, from Me to you. I have allowed you to express your vanity by giving you the gift of dog breeding. And what do you do with this gift? You spend time and energy creating outrageous monstrosities such as Miniature Poodles and Chinese Crested. I give you an inch, and you a take a mile. You vain, vain creatures. Not like Me, who is Perfect and Completely Breathtaking.

2. The exhaustive fossil record – even easier. I purposely placed each and everyone of those fossils there Myself to test your faith. And you failed Me, again. <sigh>

3. Examples of “unintelligent design” – OK, so this one is probably the easiest to explain away. Let’s start with the premise that this “evidence” disproves Me by attempting the following line of un-faithful thinking (also known as “I.D – Incompetent Design” and the “Argument from poor design“):

Therefore, God (again, that Awesomeness that is Moi) either did not create these organisms or is not omnipotent, omniscient and omnibenevolent.

The blind spot in the human eye is such an example of U.D: I created this ingenious imperfection to ensure that the day-to-day miracles I need to attend to can’t actually be observed by mortals at the time I’m doing them. It is entirely unacceptable that you lowly creatures would be able see My Glorious Hand popping into a room out of thin air, for example, and move your full and hot coffee cup by a couple of inches so that you knock it over and ruin the carpet as you reach for a sip. Mormons – I’m looking at you here.

Going back to the premise based on un-faithful thinking, here is the True and correct interpretation of what you observe to be “imperfections”. I have named this the “Argument from My Attention to Detail To Your Test of Faith”:

An omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent creator, Me, would create organisms that have optimal design.

Organisms have features that are apparently suboptimal, and these apparent imperfections are there for very good reasons but are not the reasons that evolutionists and heathens such Dawkins provide because the actual reasons for these are too numerous, and God (I) does not have the patience nor the motivation to explain these to you because these “imperfections” are there to test your faith in Me.

Therefore, I (known as God to you) DID both create these organisms and Am omnipotent, omniscient and omnibenevolent. And 100% Awesome.

There you have it. I created everything – especially all of you lot – in your present form and in 7 days, including all the so-called “evidence” to the contrary.

All ultimately, perfectly, deliberately and extremely intelligently designed by Me to test your fragile faith in Me. So far, you are failing. So stop all your irritating questioning and get praying, or else.

Flippant answers, such as “Revive my favorite cat, you know, the ginger one that died a few years ago, and then make it draw a picture of heaven while whistling ‘Strangers in the Night'” might convince the most ardent of Heathens, but really this whole premise – the question asked and the answers given are completely missing the point.

The right question should be asked of a true Believer:

“is there anything: any fact, any words you could be told, any words you could read, any sounds you could hear, any sensations you could feel, any data you could access, any reason or evidence you could consider, any thing that could change your faith in Me?”

The answer for the true Believer is of course “no”. Nothing. Nada. Zippideedooda.

By definition, Faith is unshakable, unalterable, unquestioning and unreasonable and requires no falsifiable evidence in order to maintain Faith. That’s the beauty of it: Faith can’t be beat! Why else do you think I Created it?

Yes, I’ve been busy, so busy in fact that I’ve not had time to “god blog” (and for those of you thinking “hey, I thought You had infinite capacity!”, my answer to you is “I do infinite capacity, I’m just making up an excuse – I do that sometimes”).

Now, on to the latest doomed attempt by the non-believers to logic Me out of existence. Barney87 posted the argument popularized by that pesky Richard “Prove it to me” Dawkins:

1) Complex entities can come into existence in three ways: either by design, evolution or chance.

2) God is a complex entity.

3) God cannot have been designed.

4) God cannot have evolved.

5) Therefore, God must have come into existence by chance.

6) The probability of a being spontaneously coming into existence with the remarkable properties of God (omnipotence, omniscience and omnibenevolence) is extremely slight.

7) Therefore, God’s existence is extremely improbable.

Improbable, Mr R Dawkins, but not impossible. That’s no winning argument – in fact it’s a blatant admission that I might exist. And I blog too, but just because it is seems highly improbable that I blog, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen, yet here you are reading this post, written effortlessly (and without spellchecker turned on) by the Creator Myself.

So since Mr Dawkins is practically admitting I exist (I accept his apology), let’s state here a more graceful and infallible argument that proves My wonderful existence, quoted from the blaspheming John Allen Paulos’ new book “Irreligion“:

Something – the diversity of lifeforms, the beauty of the outdoors, the stars, the fine structure constants – is much to complex (or too perfect) to have come about randomly or by sheer accident.

This something must have been the handiwork of some creator (yours truly).

Therefore God (er, Me), exists.

It doesn’t get much simpler or obviously correct than this. Matter settled…next!