While appearing on the Today Show's lame "The Professionals" segment this morning, Rosie O'Donnell took it upon herself to become a "professional" bossypants. She declared Lindsay Lohan unfit to work and called her a terrible choice to play Elizabeth Taylor. Who knew Rosie was such a passionate anti-Lohanite?

Rosie started things off by expressing her pity for LiLo: "I feel very sorry for her. I think she needs a lot of help. She needs a lot of time away." OK, fair enough, who among us has not thought that about Lindsay at some point during the past few years? But then when Matt Lauer asked her if it was a good plan for Lindsay to play Elizebeth Taylor, O'Donnell let loose: "No. Because she's had a lot of trouble doing every single movie, including [Saturday Night Live]. She was out and not at rehearsal and I think she's not in a place to work."

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Who died and made you the mom of the entire world, lady? Her fellow panelist Donny Deutsch managed to get a word in edgewise and declared Lohan, "this generation's Elizabeth Taylor." Yikes, that is a stretch, and Rosie really was not having it. She said, "You're out of your mind! You're a crackhead...The last thing she did good she was 16!" That's a triple ouch! A little too much ouch for morning television, perhaps. She went on to say, "I don't think she's right for the role, and I don't think she's capable at this point of doing what's needed to portray that character. I think the interest level in her has waned significantly."

Well, allrighty then. Looks like Rosie is itching to go into casting now that her show has been cancelled (aka interest in Rosie has waned significantly). As for Lohan, she probably was not heartbroken by this criticism. Her publicist told E!, "I think Rosie should focus on her own career and stop worrying about everyone else's." Snap. What do you think the chances are that these two end up wrestle-fighting and then becoming best friends ‘round about 2024 when they're both on some VH1 reality show about faded former superstars? [E!]

If happiness is measured by the amount of press coverage one is getting, as it is when you're a Kardashian, then this week is going swimmingly for the whole family. First of all, they've just been given $40 million dollars from E! to do another three seasons of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. God help us all. Plus, Kim's new fame-fuck Kanye came as her date to the opening of Scott Disick's Japanese restaurant (because why wouldn't Scott Disick own a Japanese restaurant?). Kanye got kozy with all the K-dashes and a merry time was had by all. [People, TMZ]

They may have strenuously denied the mind-blowing rumors that they were dating, but now Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher have spent a long weekend away together. Game changer? Uh, like, probably. Apparently the Kutch has always had a thing for the Kune, but for much of the time they worked together she was dating the Culk (Macauley Culkin, that is). But now they're both single, and perhaps this is their time to commingle. [Radar]

Scarlett Johansson had to wear a skin-tight suit for her role in The Avengers, and you perhaps won't be surprised to learn that she was a little self-conscious about it. She said, "Every woman has body worries. I'm not exempt from that." One thing about her body that she's not worried about? Her new tattoo. It's on her wrist, and it looks like a charm bracelet. In tiny letters it says "I Heart NY." How charming. (Get it? Pow!) [People, OMG]

Adam Levine may have just split from his girlfriend of two years, but he's still got his mind of marriage. He told Paper Mag his thoughts:

I want to study marriage. I want to learn about it. I want to know it. I want to figure out whether or not I want to do it. I'm not just going to leap into it, because that's not good for anybody.

Hmm, anyone out there want to volunteer to teach Adam what he needs to know about holy matrimony? [HuffPo]

Continuing in his role as blabbermouth-of-the-bride, Angelina Jolie's dad, Jon Voight, tried to speak to the press about his daughter's upcoming wedding. The only problem is that she hasn't told him about any wedding plans she might have—probably wise given his willingness to discuss the famous couple in the presence of microphones. [Us]

Beyonce may have a small baby at home (Blue Ivy™ is her name, in case you've spent the last four months in a coma), but that didn't stop her from going out dancing with her sister Solange and some friends. They went to a club, had some fun, and at some point Cuba Gooding Jr. came over to their table to say hello. Naturally. [People]

Justin Bieber has done something a little weird: he's dedicated a song to the woman who claimed he'd fathered her baby. Remember that? Bieber told reporters in London last night about his new album, Believe:

There's a song about that girl that said she was gonna have my baby, Mariah Yeater. There are songs about things I'm going through. I wrote songs about different situations.

Really? Songs about different situations? Fascinating… But seriously, it seems kind of mean and/or messed up to write a song about a troubled girl who hounded you. It seems entirely possible that he just made it up to mess with the press, but it's not my problem because I won't be listening to his album anyway. [NYP]

Apparently life on the farm has been good for Jennie Garth's mental state in the wake of her split from husband of 11 years, Peter Facinelli. She's filming her show A Little Bit Country, and she says,

"I think that my animals give me a sense of like relief, like they make me feel like none of that other bulls**t matters. When you look into their eyes, and they look back at you, and they don't want anything, they just want love. Whether I'm successful or not successful, whether I'm fat or thin, if I'm nice or if I'm not nice, they still love me.

Continuing in their quest to be America's most normal and likable couple, Michelle Williams and Jason Segel went on a cute little date to a hip Mexican restaurant in New York. And they didn't even try to hide from the cameras on the way out, so this thing is officially on like Donkey Kong. [E!]

The good news is Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner spent a nice day out with their daughters. (They left their two-month-old son, Samuel, at home, presumably in the care of someone else.) The bad news is that Ben's still got that dreadful beard and weirdly long hair. [E!]

Apparently Cee-Lo farted during last night's episode of The Voice and gave his fellow judges a fit of giggles. [HuffPo]

Oh, it's just Kiefer Sutherland and his dog singing a song together. No big deal. [BWE]

At first, Gotye didn't have very nice things to say about Glee's cover of his song "Somebody That I Used To Know." He called it "dinky and wrong," but now he's saying his comments were taken out of context (what else is new?), and he actually thought, "[I]t was really clever to transpose the song to two guys...it was a great idea." OK, sir. Whatever you say, sir. [E!]

Seacrestians, you can rest easy tonight because word has come down from on high that Ryan Seacrest will continue hosting American Idol, even though he has approximately 25 other jobs as well. No word on exactly how long this deal is for, but for the near future he's all yours. [CNN]