Michele Bachmann Calls Its Quits!

Wowza! Histrionic conspiracy theorist and current U.S. congresswoman Michele Bachmann will not seek a fifth term from the great, occasionally poor-judgment-having people of Minnesota. Wearing a purple suit made entirely of grape Fruit Roll-ups, Bachmann announced the decision in a softly lit—like, really softly lit—video posted to her Web site. This particular swan song is more than eight minutes long, and includes a 45-second recapitulation of term-limit laws, so we’ve isolated the highlights below.

Bachmann claims her decision was “not influenced by any concerns about my being reelected to congress.” (In 2012, she “beat wealthy but politically inexperienced hotelier Jim Graves by barely 4,200 votes, or a little over a percentage point,” the Associated Press reports.) Alright!

Equally a non-factor: the current Office of Congressional Ethics investigation into whether Bachmann “may have improperly used money raised by one of her House-affiliated political action committees to help her presidential bid in the run-up to the Iowa presidential caucuses in January 2012,” according toThe New York Times.

What’s next for our hero? “There is no future option or opportunity, be it directly in the political arena or otherwise, that I won’t be giving serious consideration if it can help save and protect our great nation.” So: book deal, follow-up book deal, lucrative speaking tour, flirtation with cult leadership, reality show, less successful reality show, Dancing with the Stars, spread in Us Weekly about a beloved family pet, and then, at long last, settling into obscurity.