The other day I found myself in the Subway near my work (ohhh that smell, that baking bread smell, you bastards let me just walk by in peace...). I was a little confused, as I had been trying to get to the post office and the "artist" behind the counter was refusing to sell me any stamps, but eventually I worked it out and bought myself a sub.

Sitting there, munching away, I started to thumb through the nutrition information Subway so proudly puts on display in their stores. No "let's hide it behind this big red and yellow clown figure so no one can be distracted by it while they upsize their meal" going on here. Ohhhhh no, not in Smugway. They have HEALTHY food.

Anyway, I was enjoying my sub and all was well with the world until I stumbled across the sauces section of the document (which, mind you, is so complex you practically need an engineering degree to get through it). (And that's just to work out how to unfold it). I almost choked on my jalapenos.

Since WHEN has horseradish contained ANY fat whatsoever? And Dijon mustard - last time I checked, that was fat-free too. So how does the combination of them produce a sauce with TEN GRAMS OF FAT to every tablespoon and a half? What kind of parallel maths freak-iverse does this sauce come from?

Actually, it gets worse: that link was to a US nutrition guide - the one in store here in Australia just called it "Horseradish" (not Dijon) and listed it as having 13 GRAMS OF FAT!

Weight Watchers recommend you use horseradish or mustard on practically everything - I can just imagine people at weigh ins everywhere going "I don't understand, all I've eaten this week is a jar of Subway horseradish..."

I have written an email to Subway demanding an explanation (not that I care personally, I fucking hate horseradish, but it's the principal of the thing):

Dear Subway,

I have been a fan of your sandwich restaurants for several years now, and am a keen supporter of any fast food chains that endeavour to serve healthy food.

However, I was thumbing through one of your nutritional guides the other day, and was horrified to learn that 23mL of your horseradish sauce contains 13 grams of fat - almost double the amount of the next fattiest dressing, Southwest sauce. This is surprising, considering that normal horseradish contains next to no fat at all (about 0.1%).

On the Subway nutrition guide available on the US website it lists horseradish as "Dijon Horseradish" and shows 10 grams of fat, however on the guide I picked up in the store here in Australia it is simply called "Horseradish" and lists 13 grams of fat.

Is Subway mixing its Horseradish with other condiments without making the consumer aware? I would be interested to know.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

I am starting a new section here at Bland Canyon where, a la Big Brother style, I will evict people who are crap, have turned crap, or who are basically annoying me, from popular culture.

Today I have chosen to evict that poser and pretendy director M. Night Shyamalan, purely on the basis that I was unfortunate enough to endure The Village last night, and I need some payback.

You have been warned

I had heard all the reviews and all the shit-slinging this film received, and had successfully avoided it until last night when I was trapped into a viewing at a friend's house. How I wish I had just gone home.

This movie is so full of holes it'd make a pretty lace curtain.

Not only that, but it's so arse-numbingly slow moving you'd swear by the end of the film the 19th century characters would be wearing happy pants and breakdancing to LL Cool J. You may want to consider being cryogenically frozen halfway through the film, so that by the time it's gotten to the end you can be thawed out and enjoy the amazing "twist".

Ah yes, "the twist". Ok, The Sixth Sense was great, everyone knows that. Bruce Willis was great, the twist was great, Haley Joel Osmond was a little creepy, and for a good while, M. Night Shyamalan was great. He promised us such wonderful things, and we believed him. Then he made Unbreakable, and for most of us (discerning movie goers), the love affair was over. The twist was so shit, it made me want to punch my television. Luckily, I didn't, as it was hardly the television's fault, but Mr Shyamalan was nowhere to be seen (how CONVENIENT). He then disposed of a few more stragglers when he released Signs, which reminded us all that alien films are even less cool than Mel Gibson films.

And now, The Dullage. If you haven't seen it, hurrah for you. If you are into self-flagellation and actually want to sit through this drivel, then don't read below, as I'm going to totally ruin it for you. That is, if the experience could ever be MORE ruined than just by the simple act of putting the DVD in the machine.

So, we're supposed to believe that:

No one has EVER been to that shed where all the monster costumes are hanging up.

No one has EVER noticed anyone going to the shed, getting dressed in aforementioned monster costumes and walking back into the village to skin pigs and paint people's doors.

No one from the outside world has EVER climbed the fence of the reserve, gone for a walk and stumbled across this village. Come ON - surely a bunch of teenagers has nicked off for a private bong and a root at SOME stage?

Everyone in the nearby town accepts without question that the reserve is owned by a mysterious "estate" and no one is allowed in EVER.

That this group of people managed to construct a fully working 19th century village with (presumably) no assistance in the middle of a forest, dragging in cows, chickens, pigs and the rest of it, with no one noticing. Has Mr Shyamalan ever dealt with a local council? I bet they'd be breaking a ton of building regulations.

No one in the village says "Hey, that's not the greatest idea we've ever had" when the only person suggested to travel an unknown route to the nearby towns is the resident blind girl. Yeah, why send someone who can actually see where they're going? She'll be fine.

They keep a spare costume under the floorboards for emergency purposes. HELLO! No one's found the shed yet guys, I don't think you're dealing with MENSA graduates here.

The village retard happens to dig up the floorboards, find the costume, NOT freak the fuck out, put it on, climb out the tiny window and run into the woods for no apparent reason. Oh yeah, and no one notices.

More importantly: that a group of people so distraught with the evils of modern society decided a better option was to create their own 19th century society that is governed completely by terror and oppression? And not only that - NO ONE said "Um, actually, I wouldn't mind keeping my tv, microwave, tampons, hot water, frozen meals and electricity - do you think we can workshop this idea?"

M. Night Shyamalan: for writing and directing this silly piece of nonsensical crap and trying to pass it off as an edge-of-your-seat thriller, it's time to go.