Thursday, December 25, 2014

Jazz Is The Worst: LMAO

Musicians have been telling me about jazzistheworst for a while. I've read it a few times, but the one I read today made we want to comment on it. "How To Become A Successful Jazz Musician in 2015" is presented with bone dry sarcasm; it made me laugh, although it's so funny because it's so true. This blog, somewhat reminiscent of Seattle based jazz pianist Bill Anschell's hilarious " Mr. P.C.'s Guide Jazz Etiquette and Bandstand Decorum" column, is anonymously written, although some jazz insiders claim it's author is the brilliant trumpeter Ambrose Akinmusire, possibly because the first review on the blog was Akinmusire's CD. I only have hearsay and conjecture as evidence. Be that as it may, "How To Become A Successful Jazz Musician in 2015" , for somebody like me who would love to be successful in 2015, is right on point. jazzistheworst calls out Nicholas Payton for alienating his audience, Steve Lehman for his "Liminality as a Framework for Composition: Rhythmic Thresholds, Spectral Harmonies and Afrological Improvisation" being too abstract for audiences, Vijay Iyer for his "selfies with famous people,", and various successful female musicians for, well, being female. The anonymous author also skewers the posers who

"adopt a southern accent, a soulful old timey persona and just go back to
being as 'roots' as you can. Talk about "The Tradition" as much as
possible. Bring up 'The Blues' until people start becoming annoyed with
you. Ignore any cultural, musical or societal changes that have
occurred in the last 60 years."

Finally, he mentions "publicists," affirming my belief that

"Regardless of your musical ability, you can still become a famous Jazz
musician if you have enough money. Unfortunately most people don't have
enough money to afford a career in Jazz. You'll just need the right
publicist(there's actually only one.)"Regardless of your musical ability, you can still become a famous Jazz
musician if you have enough money. Unfortunately most people don't have
enough money to afford a career in Jazz. You'll just need the right
publicist(there's actually only one.)

Whoever this blogger is, I suspect he or she is someone who is inside the industry in some capacity. Whether this is true or not, I appreciate the honest perspective. I'm going to go back and check out some other posts from this blog.