DK Says…….

Announcing our holiday giveaway, December 20,21,22. We’re Having A Tuesday will be FREE on Kindle for anyone who wants it. Every year families split up. Every year the holiday season rolls around and families need help in how to cope with sharing the holidays. I have been sharing the message for about 10 years now. The message is still the same. Here is an interview and article with me back in 2006! Nothing has changed. People still need to remember that kids come first. Only now you can get the tool to help the kids in your life for free this holiday season. Enjoy!

December 3, 2015
Why “Your Ex is not your child’s Ex” matters even more during the holidays

I have said this a million time to people over the years. “Your Ex is not your child’s Ex!” It is so important. All year it is important. But I cannot stress it enough during the holiday season. There is no more stressful time on our kids than during the holiday season. They want to love everyone. They want to participate in everything. They don’t want to be left out. And they don’t want one of their parents to be left out or alone either. It is an awful place for them to be. Often they have to choose one parent or activity over the other. It isn’t fair. They didn’t ask for divorce. So it is more important now than perhaps any other time of the year for us to put our differences aside and try like crazy to remember our kids and they didn’t divorce our ex. For more tips on how to handle the holiday season see our article about Christmas not falling on Tuesday this year. For more regarding the original entry please see the original entry from March 2015 below .

“Your Ex is not your child’s Ex…” I say this over and over to newly divorced people who complain to me about this or that in relation to their new parenting situation. Your kids did not ask for a divorce. In fact, they love your ex just as much as they did before. Do not talk down about someone they LOVE! Do NOT make them feel bad for loving their own parent! They did not choose this. Choose your kids first! For some hearing this in the heat of their emotional turmoil is beyond comprehension. They just cannot believe how awful their ex has been, or that they do this this and this…….

And yet they just don’t get it when I say to STOP IT! So from there I try to explain things from a different vantage point. Imagine if someone started speaking negatively about your child, yes YOUR child, the one that is perfect, that you love, and think is the best child on earth. How does it make you feel? Normally, does it make you love your child less? What does it make you think about the person saying these awful things about your child. Now take this a step further, and imagine that this person saying these wretched things about your child is say, your best friend, or maybe even your parent, whom you thought you adored! I have explained that generally negatively talking about your ex only causes resentment, confusion, and often really backfires. If it doesn’t do that, it certainly confuses your child and makes them feel like they have to choose one parent over another. And that isn’t something any child should have to do. I’ve also advised many times that if the “other parent” really is the awful buggar yout think he is, that eventually kids figure it out all on their own. This may take some times, maybe until their teen years, but they do eventually see it. And it is so much better when they see it on their own. They often come to you saying something along the lines of, “Now I know why you had to get a divorce.” This is such a big a-ha for kids when they come to these conclusions on their own. There is usually no resentment, and your relationship with your child is not only in tact, but likely stronger. So I say……..no matter how bad it is, you should never be talking negatively about your ex in front of your child. If they are really doing something abusive or dangerous, you should get professional help to sort out how to handle. But for every day, I’m an angry ex spouse, you should leave your venting to some other time when your kids aren’t around. Encourage them to love their other parent, and to have a relationship with them. This also strengthens your bond. A good way to focus on the positives of both parents is to read out loud “We’re Having A Tuesday”-it has some pages in the back that will really facillitate a great conversation. It is available here as a hardback. We are also offering a free version on Kindle as mentioned above. -And you of course can order hardcopy from Amazon as well. Enjoy your kids. Heal from your divorce. But don’t expect your kids to be your sounding board while you do it.
October 22, 2015
How Gwen Stefani’s new song can help divorcing parents

How could a song by Gwen Stefani possibly relate to a children’s book about divorce? I say she has written a powerful emotional song on a subject that many of us have endured. And if we listen, most of us can relate. She is currently going through a divorce and like many of us will begin the path of sharing time and custody of her 3 young kids with someone she used to love. I hope she remembers her own song as she relates to them. I suspect she will.

Adults often get lost in their emotional turmoil and hatred and they begin bashing and berating the other parent. When I recently heard the brand new song by Gwen Stefani “You Used to Love Me”, I felt her emotion as real and raw. For me I love that song because it is a tool to remind me that in the throes of divorce we get caught up in hatred and anger, and yet there was a time that we in fact used to love our partner. It further reminded me that our kids in fact still do. Her candid, brilliant lyric repeated several times is simply ingenuous.

I don’t know why I cry
But I think it’s cause I remembered for the first time
Since I hated you
That I used to love you

In my mind we need to recognize that our kids are not feeling that hostility and bitterness toward their parent. They in fact still love both parents as much as they did before divorce battered their previously simple lives.

This statement of mine, “Your Ex is not your child’s Ex!” has garnered more attention than I could have ever imagined. It is such a simple phrase really. I suppose it is ultimately why I wrote this kids book, to help little ones living between two parents’ homes. We’re Having A Tuesday supports kids in remembering that they love both of their parents and that it is ok to do so. It reminds them that both of their parents are loving them and they carry a piece of that love inside of them wherever they may go. I think maybe one of the best unexpected benefits of reading the book is it also reminds the adults in the situation that these kids feel this way. I think Gwen’s song has the power to do that too. At least it did for me.

So I continue to say “Your Ex is not your child’s Ex!” I will keep on saying it because I am constantly reminded by watching, and receiving emails from people how our society constantly likes to bash our ex spouses. We need to remember that our divorces are ours. We are making decisions that are for us, and that our kids are unfortunately enormously affected. They didn’t ask for a divorce. And yes, in some cases (drugs and abuse etc.) it is possible that it is good for the kids to be away from their other parent. But most of the time it is good for the kids to have a loving relationship with BOTH parents. They love your ex just as much as they did before. I encourage all of us not talk down about someone they LOVE! Do NOT make them feel bad for loving their own parent. They did not choose this. They are not hating this person. They still love and want to love that person that as Gwen Stefani reminds us we used to love too.

March 22, 2015
Your Ex is not your child’s Ex

“Your Ex is not your child’s Ex…” I say this over and over to newly divorced people who complain to me about this or that in relation to their new parenting situation. Your kids did not ask for a divorce. In fact, they love your ex just as much as they did before. Do not talk down about someone they LOVE! Do NOT make them feel bad for loving their own parent! They did not choose this. Choose your kids first! For some hearing this in the heat of their emotional turmoil is beyond comprehension. They just cannot believe how awful their ex has been, or that they do this this and this……..Read more below, and mark your calendar for March 27,28, 2015 so you can download your free Kindle version of my book, “We’re Having A Tuesday” at Amazon. Your_Ex_is_not_your_childs_Ex.jpg
And yet they just don’t get it when I say to STOP IT! So from there I try to explain things from a different vantage point. Imagine if someone started speaking negatively about your child, yes YOUR child, the one that is perfect, that you love, and think is the best child on earth. How does it make you feel? Normally, does it make you love your child less? What does it make you think about the person saying these awful things about your child. Now take this a step further, and imagine that this person saying these wretched things about your child is say, your best friend, or maybe even your parent, whom you thought you adored! I have explained that generally negatively talking about your ex only causes resentment, confusion, and often really backfires. If it doesn’t do that, it certainly confuses your child and makes them feel like they have to choose one parent over another. And that isn’t something any child should have to do. I’ve also advised many times that if the “other parent” really is the awful buggar yout think he is, that eventually kids figure it out all on their own. This may take some times, maybe until their teen years, but they do eventually see it. And it is so much better when they see it on their own. They often come to you saying something along the lines of, “Now I know why you had to get a divorce.” This is such a big a-ha for kids when they come to these conclusions on their own. There is usually no resentment, and your relationship with your child is not only in tact, but likely stronger. So I say……..no matter how bad it is, you should never be talking negatively about your ex in front of your child. If they are really doing something abusive or dangerous, you should get professional help to sort out how to handle. But for every day, I’m an angry ex spouse, you should leave your venting to some other time when your kids aren’t around. Encourage them to love their other parent, and to have a relationship with them. This also strengthens your bond. A good way to focus on the positives of both parents is to read out loud “We’re Having A Tuesday”-it has some pages in the back that will really facillitate a great conversation. It is available here as a hardback. We are also offering a free version on Kindle as mentioned above. -And you of course can order hardcopy from Amazon as well. Enjoy your kids. Heal from your divorce. But don’t expect your kids to be your sounding board while you do it.
February 11, 2015
The First Night

I recently came across the MOST WONDERFUL Article about being a brand new shared custody family. It will be helpful to those just embarking on this new way of living. It will serve as a reminder of how we should be if we are already coping. It was shared by the mom in what appears to be a friendly divorce. I so enjoyed this article. I have written numerous articles trying to help people cope with this new arrangement. And here this woman shares her feelings in the raw, in the New York Times. Good for her for doing the right things. AMAZING for her to share it with all of us!

Read it!! NY Times Article Here (illustration by Spencer Wilson)

It reminds me of so many things that I try to teach people. We had a 4 day 3 day split. It isn’t easy. It isn’t easy for you, your ex, and not your children. What I say over and over to people who solicit advice is that you must absolutely put the kids first. The time for being upset with your ex is over. That is why you are divorced. I commend her for (at least this first time) not intruding on her son’s and his Dad’s time in the park. It was so good for them to have that first weekend. I also commend her for taking care of her, and sneaking a peek at the park so she could put her mind at ease. In the long run, I came to really enjoy my “me” time. I really believe it made me an even better Mom, as I was always refreshed and energized and ready to focus. And as far as your son goes, you guys are starting off on the right foot. Your son never ever ever wants to feel like it is wrong to love either of his parents. They didn’t choose this new way of life. They didn’t choose that they have to go back and forth and bounce between homes. And they certainly don’t want to have to choose one parent over another. This woman was brilliant in her handling of this situation. And we could all take a page from her book.
January 7, 2015
Children’s Divorce Bill of Rights – a new tool to help children of divorce!

I came across this wonderful little scroll on Pinterest the other day. I thought it should go into every divorcing parent’s tool box! It goes so much with what I am trying to tell people all of the time. Divorce is tough. It is tough on the parents because they are going through changes emotionally, and likely financially. Stress is at probably an all time high! But I think so often we forget that though we are going through the trauma, our kids are going through it even more. They are often being put in the middle. And though you may think your ex is (insert whatever you want here!), your child still loves them and wants them as their parent. There is absolutely no reason to bad mouth the other parent in front of your child, no matter WHAT you perceive they are doing. If it is a dangerous situation, then involve professional help, but even then it is probably best to keep your mouth shut. They didn’t like it when you argued in front of them when you were married, and they certainly aren’t going to like it now. They just want to be kids. They want to be able to live their life as close to the life they just involuntarily gave up as possible. They should be allowed to be kids………..therefore they are not your sounding board, they can’t solve your problems. And…..whatever you do, do NOT put them in the middle and at any point make them choose. As much as you might think it is giving them the right, having to choose one parent over another is a heart wrenching experience no child should have to endure. I love this scroll. And I think this scroll, along with the picture book We’re Having A Tuesday, and the parenting book, Mom’s House, Dad’s House, you should be armed to be off to a good start.

We’re Having A Tuesday will help parents and children of divorce. It begins a conversation, by opening up pathways to talk with children about the effects of living in a shared custody situation. Kids who are living the all too familiar experience of living in two houses easily relate to the story where the little girl is acting out and having to remind herself of the good things about both houses. Parents or other bystanders (teachers, counselors, grandparents, caregivers) can relate to this wonderful story about a little girl bouncing between her parents, as she struggles with living between two homes. She misses simple things like her dogs, her bike and even sometimes her clothes. She misses things about Mommy. She misses things about Daddy. Some of her behaviors reflect it. She eventually discovers that her parents’ love is with her no matter where she is living. The story refers to her carrying their love in a very special kind of backpack wherever she goes. (Her heart.) It is a great reminder that the love between parent and child doesn t change because of divorce. This book beautifully illustrates a touching story and includes an interactive element at the end to facilitate conversation about how kids are feeling about their shared custody living arrangements. It’s perfect for kids 2-10 years of age. And it will help start a conversation to help your kids deal with their new arrangements. Remember your child didn’t ask for these changes. They just were just going along happy being a kid!
December 10, 2014
Announcing FREE Kindle version and giveaway!

Lots’s has changed in the years since “We’re Having A Tuesday” was first published. Unfortunately the need for a book to help kids cope with divorce hasn’t. So to bring this book into more modern times and to share it with audiences that might not be able to get this book any other way, we are launching a Kindle version. And in honor of that release, it will be available for download from Amazon for FREE, from December 11- December 15. **AND** If you download it, please rate it if you like it. And for all of those testimonials posted between December 11-15- I will enter you into a drawing for a free copy of our new Christmas holiday book, Santa’s Night Before Christmas (Zany, Wacky, Just Not Right!). To get your FREE Kindle, click HERE! Or to find out more about the purple santa and his adventures in the new book, be sure to visit www.purplesantasuit.com.
September 24, 2014
What to do when child of divorce doesn’t want to go to the other parent’s house

I found this on the UK Daily mail site. It made me start thinking. If there were one question I get asked over and over, it is about what to do if your child doesn’t want to go over to the other divorced parent’s house. Sometimes a separated child doesn’t want to visit. Sometimes they refuse to visit. The reason this note made me think about it is because kids are just so open and honest, that is if you let them be. Sometimes they will talk, others they might write it out like this child did, but they really do want you to know that they know a lot about what is going on. If there is some reason to really be concerned that there might be danger, then of course it is time to call in some professional help. I’m not addressing those kinds of situations. But usually there is something much smaller behind it. There are a few things I would recommend.

1) Talk to your kids. If you can’t just directly ask them why they don’t want to go, or they refuse to answer, use a tool like “We’re Having A Tuesday” where there are pages to talk about what they like and miss about both parents. If you can get them to remembering the things they like about going to the other house you might be able to get them to let go and decide to go.

2)Ask them if they might be willing to go over just for a short period of time. Maybe that is just one hour, or one day of the entire weekend. Often times getting them to go over for a short time will cause whatever the issue was to be forgotten about once they get there.

3)Talk to them as best as you can about why they don’t want to go. It often has nothing to do with the other parent. It might have to do with missing an activity with friends, or a favorite program, or an event. Then maybe you can figure out how to work around that kind of situation, or maybe decide that this is a fluke and not a big deal. You may want to consider letting them stay that one time if it works for you.

4)If they don’t want to go over, you may be able to talk with your ex and see if he or she would be willing to come spend some time with your child at your house. We all have days and times where we just don’t feel like going out. Maybe it has nothing to do with not seeing their other parent, maybe it just has to do with wanting to be in some familiar surroundings.

5)If you can manage, maybe it would be a good time to spend some “family” time together. Maybe you all go out for pizza or to the park or something. This sends a message to your child that their other parent is ok to spend time with, and it sends a message to your ex that though there seems to be an issue, that you are trying to work with them. There is nothing worse than having an ex that is certain you are trying to sabotage a relationship.

If none of these things work, just try to keep working through it without making your ex spouse into a bad person. It isn’t easy to cope with a shared custody situation, especially for the kids. If it goes on for very long, it may be time for some professional help to see why your child is struggling.
September 18, 2014
10 great books for kids coping with divorce

When I first got divorced my kids were just one and three years old. They had a lot of trouble coping. I went looking for some kind of book that would help them. I couldn’t find a thing. So I did what any normal (ha!) mom would do, I wrote my own. “We’re Having a Tuesday” has become a well sought after book for families coping with the subject. (Even the State of Nebraska includes it on their list of resources for divorcing parents!) Of course since then there are quite a few to choose from. I came across this list today (Thank you to Mari Hernandez-Tuten at babble.com for sharing) and I really thought it was worth sharing. It doesn’t list mine, but it doesn’t matter. I think it has a nice list of books to choose from, some of them even chapter books for older kids. I really think it is worth your time to look these over if you are looking for any kind of help for your kids. It is important to remember that the little kids have trouble with divorce, but so do the big one. It is also important to remember that while you are busy coping from your own grief that your kids might need some help too. Books have a way of helping kids realize they aren’t the only ones. And if you get a chance, check out “We’re Having A Tuesday” too, it has really great pages in the back that help start discussions with kids that you might not otherwise be able to. All of these are worth a look. I hope something here is just what you are looking for!
September 17, 2014
For Reading Out Loud!

I received an interesting problem question today. I haven’t received divorce questions for awhile. So if you are interested go over to the ask DK page. Meanwhile, Santa’s (Zany, Wacky, Just Not Right!) Night Before Christmas is offering free shipping for a limited time, so go check it out at www.purplesantasuit.com. Pre-orders are now!

And………I just started a NEW project today. It is what I hope grows into a great resource for all of those wanting to get inspired about reading to kids out loud. Check it out at www.forreadingoutloud.com.
July 22, 2014
News, thoughts, and it’s been awhile!

Wow! I am updating my website and it says 2009 was the last time I wrote a blog entry. I can’t believe it. But I guess times have been a changing. I have had lots of changes in my life. For one, I’m no longer the mom of two little kids shuffling back and forth between two houses. I have a daughter in college and a son that is a senior in high school. These times have brought about all kinds of other kinds of parenting issues that I promise to blog about soon! (Like how to handle graduation parties, when kids should stop going back and forth, and so on!)

I lost my Dad during this time. He was an anchor to me. But he also has served as an inspiration to another project I am getting ready to release. (more on that in a minute!). His death also stirred up some interesting split family issues that I will also have to blog on very soon. Like what on earth do you do when your kids aren’t really in charge of you because you have remarried? Should you have a will? What might it say? All interesting things I have gone through these last few years as a child of divorce.

I have found the most wonderful partner. We have been together most of this time I have been absent. I suppose that is part of why I have been absent. Having a new partner when you have teenage children was quite the challenge too. But I didn’t think maybe I should be publicly writing about it at the time. However, I’m sure I can share some hindsight on things I experienced in that arena too! Such fun………

I’ve had other things go on like a major flood in my house just after I had gone through a major remodel. So I spent close to 2 years in a constant remodeling status. But all is well now, and my cozy office is set ready for me to delve back into something I love……….writing, and books!

Speaking of books………….I have a new one! It is set for release on October 1st. It is just for fun, and if you love picture books, I promise you will love it. Check it out at www.purplesantasuit.com. Santa’s (Zany, Wacky, Just Not Right!) Night Before Christmas is sure to be a new favorite, probably for years to come! I just love it!compressedsantacover.jpg I think you will too! Oh, and if you want to see what is going on with this, or other things I am doing and writing about, you can follow me on Twitter.com/dksimoneau and Facebook.com/dksimoneau! Can’t wait to write more soon!
November 1, 2009
Does it get easier to co-parent as time goes on?
I’ve been doing the co-parenting thing for just about 11 years to the day. My kids were one and three when it started. I am often asked some version of, “Does it get easier as they get older?” Unfortunately my answer is, “not exactly.” There are certainly aspects that get easier. Like the kids get it. They have the routine down. They know where they’re going to be and when. And most of the time they have all of their “stuff” or at least realize they’ve forgotten something before it is a complete last minute emergency. But as the kids get older, the issues seem to be bigger. It isn’t so much about bed times and getting them to eat. Just like in any family, married or not, kids get older and they seem to have bigger issues and want to test the waters more. I think what can make this so much more difficult is usually after several or many years have gone by, there are so many more influences. When you first get divorced, there generally (hopefully!) are just you and your ex trying to parent together. By the time years have gone by, often there is a new step-parent or romantic partner on one or both sides that are influencing what is going on. Compound that with the fact that kids talk to their friends and they see how other parents handle things. So now the issues become BIG! You can’t just say jump, and the kids jump. The issues now are about what clothes they are wearing, what their religious beliefs are, what time they come home, if they should get a car, when they should start dating and so on. So what I have found is that when the kids were little it was easier to just pick my battles and say, “in the big picture does this really matter?” and let a lot of things go. Now the consequences seem much bigger. It is very difficult to stay quiet and let the kids sort things out on their own. And now that we’ve had 11 years apart, our parenting styles are very, very different. Where when we first started out they were somewhat closer in style and application. So, yes, I suppose the shuffling part maybe gets easier, but the parenting part??? Well, I think that might be a different story. Oh dear!
October 29, 2009
Joint Custody and Living Distance

I always think I’ve heard just about everything when it comes to joint/shared custody living arrangements. I know there are those that commute across town, and those that even commute across the country. But what if you live just a few miles apart? What if you want to keep it that way? It certainly makes it easier if you have some kind of shared schedule where both Mom and Dad split the duties during the week where school is involved. It makes it easier too if the kids forget something at the other house. I had it added in my divorce agreement that if either parent moves out of the metropolitan area of my city, then they forfeit custody, and the parent remaining in the area becomes the sole-custody parent. Now I thought I was being pretty smart and pro-active. This would prevent either of us from picking up and moving across the country. But the other night I met a very pro-active Dad who shared that he added to his divorce agreement, a ten-mile radius requirement. Both parents must abide by living within a ten mile radius of one-another. Well I think that was the best thing I’ve ever heard. So great in fact, I think I’m going to contact every shared custody mediator and suggest they have people add that. He had such a valid point. There are suburbs in my city that are easily 45 minutes apart. How inconvenient would it be if my ex decided to move 45 minutes away? He would still be in state. He would still be within the metropolitan area. But suddenly if one of my kids forgets his gym shoes I’m in for an hour and a half commute??? Whoa! Ten miles is reasonable. Both parents can easily get to the kids’ school or other house within a reasonable time. Both parents can truly share in parenting time. If you truly want to have shared custody, then I don’t see how you can do it living any further apart than that. And I know………at the time you are going through your divorce, you think either of you would ever want to move that far away. But it happens all the time. Someone gets a new significant other and suddenly they want to buy a new house clear across town, and boom, it happens. I think it is a great move! If you are going through a divorce and really want to have shared custody, add it! If you’ve already got the divorce, keep it in mind or have a separate agreement drawn up if you can. It is best for the kids. It is probably best for you too!
April 10, 2009
Divorced is never totally divorced is it?
I have been divorced for ten years. We share two kids and from that aspect I guess I know this person will always be connected. But I just experienced something I hadn’t quite imagined before. A very dear mutual friend of ours died last week. The service was this week, and there we were, still connected,yet not connected. I’m sure there must have been a whisper or two when we sat together…one of our kids between us, and his girlfriend of 6 years on his other side. I’m sure it probably looked a little odd to some….a couple who has been divorced for ten years still in some way connected and brought together by sadness. I would say though that we all handled it well. There was mutual grief and so none of us felt one bit awkward. We went to the reception following and all stood in a circle (ex husband, girlfrend, and I) with some other people and just shared. We all shared our stories about our different times with our friend. And yes, there were some stories the joined ex husband and I, just as there of course were of ex husband and girlfriend where I was left out. But nobody cared….Yes, we are divorced, but our pasts are forever linked, and they are, not just because of our kids, but because of our lives. Hmmm.
April 4, 2009
The Grief of Divorce
I had a very dear friend of mine pass away this week. This is not something I have a lot of experience with. My friend was very close to his sister and they lived together. They were completely each other’s right hand partner. In some ways their relationship was a bit like a spouse one. (Probably much more peaceful though!) Anyway, without any other family in town, I have stepped in to play a very big role in helping his sister pick up the pieces and go on. As I’ve been watching, I’ve been realizing how very similar to the grief process of divorce, death is. I have often said that to me the grief of divorce is so much harder than death. And as I have been watching myself and my friend’s sister this week, I maybe don’t come to that exact conclusion, but still think it is very similar and in some areas certainly more difficult. Somehow death, though by no means easy, is easier to comfort yourself. You can really say that they are at peace now. You can say the suffering has stopped. You can come to terms with it really is out of your control and that some bigger force is making those decisions. It is permanent. You know without a doubt that it is over. There is no more hope. Sure, your mind may play tricks on you, and you may ponder or imagine the outcome to be different, but without a doubt it is over. The grief of divorce is so much different because it can be sooo difficult to let go. You can hang on to hope for as long as that ex partner is still alive. You can try to be different or change things. You can wonder what you can do to make it different. You can run into that person every now and then and wonder if now it can be different. It can be very difficult because it may be you that has to make the decision to end it and then you have to live with it. All I can say today is, just as you would allow someone to go through the steps of grief if there were a death. Please allow yourself or your loved ones the same respect and time to grieve a divorce. It is just as painful, just as difficult to accept sometimes. And even when you know it is for the best in the longrun, just like in death, it is a very difficult journey to walk.