Thursday, February 26, 2009

I've always been pretty pragmatic about the women who I've had my respective crushes on. Take Janeane Garofalo for example. She is funny, smart, an avid reader who doesn't own a computer(which makes my nerd nature rise), a political knife fighter tailor made for an insufferable prick like myself - and any white woman confident in her liberal street cred enough to call a black man(Larry Elder) a "House Negro" gets eternal props in my book. That said, when I actually envision the both of us being together, it simply spells disaster. For one thing Janeane is a recovering alcoholic, so my penchant for binge drinking would go over like a lead fucking balloon. Being a comedian you'd think that she'd openly embrace other peoples comedic sensibilities, but more times than not I've seen her openly reject any verbiage that comes within a square mile of juvenile crassness. As much as I would love to intimately show Ms. Garofalo how chubby writers with inferiority complexes get down, I'm certain that the tenure of our union would be spent with her reprimanding and dressing me down every few minutes for some unfortunate joke I decided to tell.

The same pragmatism is applied to Melissa Harris-Lacewell as well. My crush on her hearkens back to the days when I had a school boy fascination with a third rate singer with sub par acting skills who played opposite some guy named "Taimak". At first blush the two of us would seem like a perfect fit. She is cute, by the looks of this video she is a Hip Hop head, I've always had a weird affection for black women with lisps.. Then the reality of it all starts to sets in, my old man's words haunting my every thought - "Son, you have to punch your weight!". Again, the fact that I've embraced my inner asshole a long time ago gets in the way of a perfectly innocent fantasy. I mean, she is a serious writer who has penned articles for reputable publications about serious topics - regardless of the topic, I always find a way of referencing my penis in everything that I write. She's cultured, hob nobs with important people the world over. I'm the guy who once gave a girlfriend a dutch oven then proceeded to laugh about it over the course of the next hour. I've slowly learned that a lot of the advice that I've given Team Obama over the last 2 years turned out to be dead wrong, but Melissa Harris-Lacewell is a political scientist for Christs sake - I'm sure that being told that you are a clueless rube in real time is very emasculating. Still, a boy can dream can't he.?

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

One of my favorite pastimes, outside of alphabetizing my porn collection and drunk dialing married ex-girlfriends and incoherent yelling "You could have had it all!!" into the phone receiver, is occasionally playing the video game "Hitman" with my older brother Craig. Sure, we've finished the game many times before, but one of the reasons we still play is because its a chance for two brothers on polar opposite sides of the personality spectrum to bond. The other reason is because the game is all about stealth, so the same way a major league pitcher goes his entire career searching for that coveted "perfect game" - my brother and I hope to one day kill every single one of our respective targets without raising one iota of suspicion. That said, I found out that analyzing our playing styles is surprisingly indicative of our personalities. My brother is the epitome of incognito, changing into butler uniforms to disguise his murderous intentions, calmly choking out hotel guards with fiber wire then proceeding to hide the body in some random closet - making sure that the only person to incur his wrath is the evil bastard he's been assigned to dispatch. I always start off trying the "stealth" approach - but unlike my even tempered older brother, my impatience always seems to get the better of me. More times than not my sole strategy is to enter the establishment guns a-blazing, blasting security guards, critically wounding innocent women and children, taking aim at domesticated animals.. Only after I'm one of two survivors in the entire building, I then proceed to mercilessly slaughter the man I was hired to kill. Problem with my genius method is that I always end up with a "Psychopath" rating while my brother gets the desired "Silent Assassin" rating. I've been thinking about that game a lot these past few months watching Barack Obama.

Ever since Barack Obama announced his candidacy on the steps of the old Capital Building in Springfield, Illinois, his actions on the campaign trail and subsequently in the White House, has undoubtedly proven to an ill tempered degenerate like myself that I could never be Commander in Chief of this great nation of ours. During the primary debates, whenever Hillary Clinton shamelessly played the Rezko card, I screamed at the television screen wondering why Obama didn't proceed to spend the rest of the night very cavalierly naming all of the shady characters Mrs. Clinton has ever been associated with. Shows what I know, he instead chose to keep it cool and take the high road. Thinking three steps ahead, he knew that he had to win over a large percentage of her voters when he became the Democratic nominee. After Barack Obama became our 44th President and the fate of that traitorous bastard Joe Lieberman was in his grasp, I wanted him to figuratively take him out like "Bishop" did "Radames" in the movie "Juice"(..even yelling "Riverside Motherfucker" after the duty was done) Obviously our President did the exact opposite. Letting Joe Lieberman's transgressions slide turned out to be a rather shrewd move, because in turn, the good Senator from Connecticut was not only a big cheerleader of the Stimulus Bill but also he helped out when those talks started to break down. The mere idea of Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State made me vomit inside my mouth a little, I found no reason to reward her after she waged a shitty campaign filled with veiled racism and dog-whistles - people like to forget that when her back was against the wall during the primaries she courted the right wing media of all people. Again, our President made a fool out of me. Sure, she is qualified, but keep your friends close and your enemies closer they say - plus, the last thing he needed was a bitter ass Hillary causing trouble in the Senate.(Just imagine if she came out against the Stimulus Bill? Oh Boy)

The Obama masterstroke as of late has to be the way in which he has engaged Rush Limbaugh. Chris Matthews, a cable bloviator that I don't particularly loathe, has been one voice amongst many who thought it was a colossal mistake for Obama to get in the middle of the ring and trade with the elephantine host. Many nights I heard him ask, "Why give the guy more attention? Why add to the millions of people who listen to Rush?" That's small ball to Obama. See, Obama reads the polls like everyone else, he knows that outside of Rush's mouth-breathing, cross burning fan base - the garden variety person in the U.S of A thinks that Rush Limbaugh is a smoldering piece of shit. So, due to the republican party's lack of leadership, why not try to destroy the opposition by crowning some asshole whose advice has lead to big losses in the 06 midterm elections and the presidency? Not for nothing, but Barack Obama is a chess player amongst a sea of checkers aficionados. He's at least a rather stealthy "Hitman" player.

Even though the election is over and my guy won, I'm still pretty bitter, getting Bill and Hillary's condescending "He'll get his turn" approach to President Obama during the Primaries out of my head is a pretty herculean task. The Reverend Wright coverage depressed me for days on end. Even though I'm fully aware that Sean Hannity is the opposition, but his xenophobic scare tactics has assured one thing - if I ever see that motherfucker, I'm going to soften his ass up with a pillowcase full of sodas. Like the Holocaust, I often email youtube clips of the inbred racists at Palin rally's to friends with the words "Never Forget" as the respective title. But all the black conservatives who came out of the woodwork during the election now seem both sad and amazingly funny. Funny because, well, my guy won and they are left looking like a geriatric pair of tits. Sad because this their "I'm not a uncle tom, I just have conservative views" shtick doesn't work this time - not when you supported a ticket that was all about racist dog whistles and xenophobia. Yes, you are a conservative man, but you are a black man first - so it was fun to sit back and watch with curiosity as John McCain stoked white fears to win an election. Like strippers with daddy issues who take their clothes off for acceptance, black conservatives did the predictable shuck and jive routine because some black girl in their past called them "ugly" Enter James T Harris. Damn it feels good to see people up on it!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Now that I'm a couple of years shy of the age my father was when I was born, not only have I been seriously thinking about injecting some poor soul with my demon-seed as of late - I've also started to take stock of all the undesirable qualities that I've unfortunately inherited from my old man. My unreasonable impatience, hair trigger temper, tactless nature, my penchant for being habitually late, being susceptible to cinematic tearjerkers - all things that I hoped would skip over yours truly and hopefully affect one of my future crumb-snatchers. But to be honest, there are some not-so-great qualities that I've inherited from my old man that I fully embrace. The first one, something I've desperately hoped for ever since my very inebriated grandmother punched me in the face circa 85' - is that I'm a rather jovial drunk. The second, my chubbiness - sure, it would be great to be cut up like Brad Pitt in "Fight Club" - but my self esteem is intact solely because a beer gut shields my eyes from a part of my anatomy that I refer to as "the black myth ruiner". Lastly, even though exhibiting this viewpoint hardly wins me any friends - but like my old man, I rudely call people out for having I.Q's south of room temperature. My father, who was in the military for 30 years before being a master mechanic, would make grown men in his shop weep whenever they incorrectly installed a part or expressed logic that he found to be tortured. Unlike him, I'm not in the business of berating friends and loved ones, I channel my inner asshole for good and not evil - but people ranging from strangers to acquaintances get the business end of ridicule whenever something utterly foolish escapes their uninformed mandible. That's why I dig our new president so much, because it looks like he's inherited that same asshole gene as well.

In the video above, after hearing John "leather-face" Boehner and Eric "soul of a game show host" Cantor speak to any media outlet that would have them and shamelessly lie about his stimulus package - our Commander in Chief corrects the record with a time honored "what are you, fucking retarded?" tone to his rhetoric. I love that. I hold the firm belief that ignorance shouldn't be met with civility but hostility, not with measured responses but with sarcasm and contempt. That way of thinking is underlined when he exhaustively asks, "What do you think a stimulus is?", and firmly states "That's the point!". This tactic isn't new to the President, remember when he chin checked the GOP concerning tire gauges - same tone, same scrappy insistence to get in the middle of the ring and trade with ignorance. Hold on to your hats, the next four years is going to get very interesting. My dad would be so proud.

As George Bush ate cake with John McCain while Katrina did her damnedest to drown every New Orleans resident that she could get her hands on, I don't know what affected me more today - the heart-wrenching pain in Ms. Henrietta Hughes' voice as she pleaded for help, or the fact that we actually have a president who gives a fuck. One media misconception of Obama, outside of the hamfisted pre-election "He has a Hispanic/poor white person problem" - was that he was cold and aloof, lacking compassion somehow. Not the case at all.

While opponents of the President will clumsily recite the words "..this isn't change you believe in" whenever Barack Obama does something that they don't like - nothing has defined change like the last week. I mean, townhalls where the questions weren't scripted, meeting with 9/11 and USS Cole family members and inviting their criticisms, answering questions from hostile Sean Hannity fans.. If you don't think that the Obama administration is a complete departure from the last 8 years, your simple ass isn't paying attention. Yep, this is the guy I voted for.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

I think SNL's Seth Meyers summed up the nomination of Michael Steele for RNC Chairman rather succinctly on Weekend Update: "This week the RNC selected Michael Steele as party chairman. You guys know it doesn't work with just any black guy, right?" My sentiments exactly. Forget for a moment that this was the same Mensa member who authored the phrase "Drill, baby Drill", and defended the racist asshat who distributed the "Barack the Magic Negro" song(Chip Saltsman). Now that Michael Steele is the RNC chairman he's wants to mix it up with Obama in the worst way. Problem is he's selling nothing but wolf tickets and has a glass jaw to boot. First he said "..and for those of you who wish to obstruct, get ready to get knocked over" during his RNC Chairman acceptance speech - pretty flaccid tough talk when your party is outnumbered both in the House and the Senate.("We don't believe you, you need more people!") Then he was quoted saying "I'm in the business of winning elections". Huh? That's like carrot-top claiming that he's in the business of making people laugh, or Lil Kim saying that she's in the business of staying off of her back. Get the fuck out of here. But I thought of Jay-Z when Steele uttered this unfortunate grouping of words the other day: "I would say to the new president, congratulations. It is going to be an honor to spar with him. And I would follow that up with: How do you like me now?” Jesus fucking Christ, quoting Kool Moe Dee? Talk about Amateur hour.

I'm not the biggest Jay-Z fan in the world, but I continue to be impressed with how he deals with lesser opponents who feel the need to take shots at him from the cheap seats. Simply ignore them. I mean, the musical landscape is filled with unanswered diss records directed at Hov as far as the human eye can see. Jay-Z knows that when you reach a certain position, you only give your unworthy opposition who usually need a forklift to carry your jockstrap undue shine by engaging them. Besides, nothing obliterates an opponent more that a "You aren't even worthy of my time" message - the most deafening silence known to man. Steele is a GOP token, something to be smirked at like a picture of puppies or a Britney Spears interview - nothing more. Obama, when dealing with Michael Steele, should take heed of that.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Most mornings, when I'm not virtually paralyzed from a night of binge drinking that would make Nick Cage's character in "Leaving Las Vegas" organize a swift intervention for me, or ushering some rather homely looking woman with criminally low levels of self esteem out of the hollowed halls of my porn fortress - I'm plopped down on my couch with a bowl of cereal watching "Morning Joe". Not so much because the show is particularly good mind you, its just happens to be better than anything else in that respective time slot. Its the morning show equivalent of having sex with Jan Brady, at least you get your proverbial nut(basic information) - but you would leave her milqtoast ass in a New York minute if Marcia's fine ass suddenly became available.(a serviceable show) Even though I characterize the co-host(Mika Brzezinski) as "the Ed McMahon of morning talk", a rather empty vessel paid to sheepishly nod and laugh on cue - and sincerely believe that a retarded monkey could do Willie Geist's job - my main point of contention is with that bottom feeding no-talent Joe Scarborough. If MSNBC really wants to crush their morning competition and abandon their "special Olympics, everyone gets a trophy" ratings, the answer is as clear as day. Shitcan Joe Scarborough, ASAP. Let me explain:

He has the personality of belly button lint: Ok, I know that there are more substantive reasons why MSNBC should give the ex-congressman the proverbial pink slip, reasons I will gladly go into shortly - but lacking an infectious personality as a host of a talk show is akin to a prostitute refusing to give head: You really should consider another fucking career. I mean, just look at their other hosts on MSNBC. Rachel Maddow has that lovably snarky, sarcastic thing down. Chris Matthews, even though his penchant for wearing his emotions of his sleeve often lands him in hot water, that same passion can also be a plus - his undying love for politics is infectious and usually masks any rhetorical hiccups he may have. Keith Olbermann's professorial attack dog shtick caught on largely because our 43rd Commander in Chief turned out to be the Barney Fife of Presidents, and his lazer-like accuracy behind the anchor desk gave argumentative people like myself fresh talking points to use on my Republican friends. Even hateful ass Pat "blacks benefited from slavery" Buchanan occasionally gives off a sort of grandfather vibe, when he isn't endorsing cross burnings and reading passages from Mein Kampf mind you - so when he does praise an Obama move you actually know that brother Barack is doing his thing. But Joe Scarborough isn't funny, has a personality that only a mortician would love, and rarely does he bring any new insight to the table that makes you rethink your previously held positions. Not only that, I'm a world class asshole who has been deceiving women since the late 80's - so I of all people can see right through his hamfisted republican "Eddie Haskell" routine.

His inaccuracy does his audience a disservice: If you don't have the garden variety personality traits that it requires to host a morning program, at least be factually accurate. I mean, I'm an NPR listener for Christs sake, so I'm used to receiving factual information while being bored out of my fucking skull. Also, I'm well aware that Joe Scarborough is a raging conservative, the fact that we would philosophically bump heads from time to time is a given - but facts are facts, unbeholden to any political party. From his felonious claim that Obama wanted higher taxes, his blatant misquotes, his habit of citing editorials as fact - and despite mounting evidence, his persistent and inaccurate claim that torture works. Get rid of this motherfucker already.

Homeboy is going to get fucked up: I love my mother dearly, she's the only person in existence that I would gladly sacrifice my life for without blinking - but one thing that I find truly reprehensible about the woman who gave me life is her television viewing habits. Specifically judge shows. I mean, there's no way in hell that Judge Judy or Judge Joe Brown would say half of the shit that comes out of their mouths if the proceedings weren't televised. More times than not I find myself saying, "I wish they addressed me like that, because they would need a fucking rescue team to retrieve that gavel out of their ass!" Something has dawned on me as I've watched his show for the past two years, Joe Scarborough is a bully, one who only resorts to said tactics when he's secure in the fact that those specific people won't kick his teeth down his fucking throat. From his petulant condescension of Rachel Maddow, his flailing attempt to bully David Shuster, or his despicable display of cantankerousness with Chrystia Freeland- I beg MSNBC, fire Joe Scarborough before someone not as gracious as the aforementioned three proceed to fuck homeboy up. Come on, having your host mercilessly stomped on morning television as if it was a gang initiation can't be a good thing for your network.

Even though I spent a considerable amount of time defending "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" when people pointed out the similarities it had to "Forrest Gump" - this piece of video is pretty damning.