[Time lapse. Ross is now clearly drunk. He is holding up a shot glass to his
eye like a jeweler’s eye.]

Ross: Anyone want me to appraise anything?

(Rachel feeds something to Paolo. He eats it and licks her hand)

Ross: Umm,
I’m going to go to tinker town.

Rachel: Mrs. Bing, I have to tell you, I've read everything you've
ever written. No, I mean it! I mean, when I read Euphoria at Midnight, all I
wanted to do was become a writer.

Mrs. Bing: Oh, please, honey, listen, if I can do it, anybody can. You
just start with half a dozen European cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for
male genitalia, and bam! You have got yourself a book.

Chandler: Myyy mother, ladies and gentlemen.

[Cut to Mrs. Bing on the telephone.]

Mrs. Bing: Yeah, any messages for room 226?

(Ross emerges from a toilet marked 'Chicas')

Mrs. Bing: You okay there, slugger?

Ross: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (A woman emerges from the toilet
behind him and he tries to pretend he was in the other one)

Mrs. Bing: Oh, Ross, listen to me. I have sold a hundred million
copies of my books, and y'know why?

Ross: The girl on the cover with her nipples showing?

Mrs. Bing: No. Because I know how to write men that women fall in love
with. Believe me, I cannot sell a Paolo. People will not turn three hundred
twenty-five pages for a Paolo. C'mon, the guy's a secondary character, a, y'know,
complication you eventually kill off.

Ross: When?

Mrs. Bing: He's not a hero. ...You know who our hero is.

Ross: The guy on the cover with his nipples showing?

Mrs. Bing: No, it's you!

Ross: Please.

Mrs. Bing: No, really, c'mon. You're smart, you're sexy...

Ross: Right.

Mrs. Bing:Yes you are. And the fact that
you don’t think you are makes you even sexier. Ahh kiddo, you are gonna
be fine, believe me.

(She kisses him on the cheek)

Ross: Uh-oh...

(...Then full on the mouth)

(Enter Joey)

Joey: Uhhhh.... I'll just pee in the street.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the next morning. Joey is getting the door in
his dressing gown—it's Ross.]

Ross: Hey, is Chandler here?

Joey: Yeah.

(Ross drags Joey into the hall and slams the door)

Ross: Okay, uh, about last night, um, Chandler.. you didn't tell...
(Joey shakes his head) Okay, 'cause I'm thinking- we don't need to tell
Chandler, I mean, it was just a kiss, right? One kiss? No big deal? Right?

Joey: Right. No big deal.

Ross: Okay.

Joey: In Bizarro World!! You broke the code!

Ross: What code?

Joey: You don't kiss your friend's mom! Sisters are okay, maybe a hot-lookin'
aunt... but not a mom, never a mom!

Joey: I'll have you know that Gloria Tribbiani was a handsome woman in
her day, alright? You think it's easy giving birth to seven children?

Ross: Okay, I think we're getting into a weird area here...

(Monica and Rachel's door opens and Rachel and Paolo emerge)

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: What're you guys doing out here?

Ross: Well, not playing racquetball!

Joey: He forgot to leave his grip size!

Ross: He didn't get the goggles!

Rachel: Well, sounds like you two have issues.

(She and Paolo walk a little way down the hall)

Rachel: Goodbye, baby.

Paolo: Ciao, bela.

(They kiss. Ross is watching them)

Ross: Do they wait for me to do this?

(Joey and Ross go into Monica and Rachel's apartment)

Joey: So are you gonna tell him?

Ross:No, I’m not going to tell him.
Why would I tell him?

Joey: How about 'cause if you don't, his mother might.

Ross: Oh...

Monica: (Entering) What are you guys doing here?

Joey: Uhhhh.... he's not even wearing a jockstrap!

Monica: ...What did I ask?

[Scene: Hospital. Phoebe is there stroking Coma Guy's hair, when Monica
enters with a bunch of balloons.]

Monica: Hi.

Phoebe: Hi.

Monica: What are you doing here?

Phoebe: Nothing, I just thought I'd stop by.. y'know, after the uh...
that I.. y'know, so what are you doing here?

Monica: I'm not really here. Just thought I'd drop these off...on the
way.. my way... Do you come here a lot? Without me?

Phoebe: No. (Monica brushes Coma Guy's hair in the other direction)
No! No! ...So, um, do you think he's doing any better than he was this morning?

Monica: How would I know? I-I wasn't here.

Phoebe: Really? Not even to, um, change his PAJAMAS?! (Whips back the
sheet to reveal him wearing new pajamas.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is talking to Chandler. Joey is making a
snack at the bar.]

Chandler: Oh my God.

Ross: You're my friend. I-I had to tell you.

Chandler: I can't believe it. Paolo kissed my mom?

Ross: Yeah, um, I don't know if you noticed, but he had a lot to
drink, and you know how he gets when he's drun..uh... (He has caught sight of
Joey scowling at him) I can't do this, I did it, it was me, I'm sorry, I kissed
your mom.

Chandler: What?

Ross: I was really upset about Rachel and Paolo, and I think I had too
much tequila, and Nora- um, Mrs. Mom- your Bing- was just being nice, y'know,
and- But nothing happened, nothing- Ask Joey, Joey, uh, came in-

Chandler: (To Joey) You knew about this?

Joey: Uh... y'know, knowledge is a tricky thing.

Chandler: I spent the entire day with you, why didn't you tell me?!

Joey: Hey, hey, hey, you're lucky I caught them when I did, or else
who knows what would have happened.

Ross: Thanks, man, big help.

Chandler: (To Ross) I can't believe this! What the hell were you
thinking?

Ross: I wasn't- I mean, I-

Chandler: Y'know, of all my friends, no-one knows the crap I go
through with my mom more than you.

Ross: I know-

Chandler: I can't believe you did this. (Walks toward the door)

Ross: Chandler-

Joey: Me neither, y'know what-

Chandler: I'm still mad at you for not telling me.

Joey: What are you mad at me for?!

Ross: Chandler-

Chandler: You gotta let me slam the door! (Leaves; slams the door)

Joey: (Shouting after him) Chandler, I didn't kiss her, he did! (To
Ross) See what happens when you break the code?

Monica: This is so typical. Y'know, we give, and we give, and we give.
And then- we just get nothing back! And then one day, y'know, it's just, you
wake up, and "See you around!" Let's go, Phoebe.

Phoebe: Y'know what? We thought you were different. But I guess it was
just the coma.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's Chandler is talking with his mom.]

Mrs. Bing:(entering, there’s a scene
showing this part) Hey kiddo, car's running downstairs, I just wanted to
drop off these copies of my book for your friends.
Autographed. And give you a goodbye kiss. So here’s a kiss (gives him one)
here’s goodbye. Anything you want from Lisbon?

Chandler: No, just knowing you're gonna be there is enough.

Mrs. Bing: Alright, well, be good, I love you. (Kisses him and goes to
leave)

Chandler: You kissed my best Ross! ...Or something to that effect.

Mrs. Bing: (Reentering) O-kay. Look, it, it was stupid.

Chandler: Really stupid.

Mrs. Bing: Really stupid. And I don't even know how it happened. I'm
sorry, honey, I promise it will never happen again.

Chandler:
Really really stupid.

Mrs. Bing:Really really stupid. Are we okay
now?

Chandler: Yeah. No. No...

[Cut to the hallway, Joey is listening to Chandler and his mom's conversation
through the door as Ross walks up.]

Ross: Ah, the forbidden love of a man and his door.

Joey: Shh. He did it. He told her off, and not just about the kiss,
about everything.

Ross: You're kidding.

Joey: No, no. He said "When are you gonna grow up and start being a
mom?"

Ross: Wow!

Joey: Then she came back with "The question is, when are you gonna
grow up and realize I have a bomb?"

Ross: 'Kay, wait a minute, are you sure she didn't say "When are you
gonna grow up and realize I am your mom?"

Joey: That makes more sense.

Ross: So, what's going on now?

Joey: I don’t know, I've been standing here spelling it out for you!
(Goes back to the door) I don't hear anything. Oh, wait, wait, wait. (Looks
through the spy hole)