CES 2014 is underway; a yearly technology and consumer trade show that many look to for a heads up on technology trends. There is always some product for parents that is the talk-of-the-show; last year it was the iPotty. This year, it’s the Mimo onesie – a onesie that monitors your baby’s vital signs and sends updates to your mobile device. You know – so you can relax as a new parent. Ha. There is nothing relaxing about this idea. Whoever created this is not a parent.

With our temperature sensor, you can know that you’ve got your baby dressed properly, and that the A/C is working.

The body suit records the motion of your baby so that you can tell how active they are.

Does this sound relaxing to anyone? Because having all of this information texted to me would do nothing but freak me the eff out:

She’s sleeping, but not well. The algorithm says so.

Her body temperature is not perfectly regulated! I told you not to buy flannel!

Don’t talk to me right now I’m waiting for an update that she’s moved.

Here’s the thing; new parents worry. That’s what we do. That is our job. I can’t say with certainty – because I don’t own one of these – but I’m pretty sure I would still be constantly checking to make sure my baby was breathing, even if she was wearing one of these things. That’s what parents do; we obsess about our kids breathing. I’m pretty sure I’ll still be checking for the rise and fall of my kid’s chest when she is a teenager.

Mimobaby.com

So here’s how it works: the two green stripes act as respiratory sensors. The cute little turtle tracks the baby’s temperature and movements. I would just use all of this technology to be freaked out by something else. I would probably assure myself that these “sensors” were giving my child tumors or that she would be the only baby with a mouth big enough to get that giant turtle in it. There is no end to my paranoia. I repeat, there is no end to my paranoia.

I recognize there are some parents with children who have health issues who would consider this a godsend – and I’m not belittling the help it could give. But for the rest of us, spending $200 on a few onesies that will probably just make us more obsessive than we already are is maybe not the best idea.

What happens when the onesies get shit stains all over them? That happens pretty fast in my house.

Iwill Findu

my thought was if it can’t be tossed in the washer I don’t want it. Hate those toys that aren’t able to go in the wash cause you know my kids just going to drool and spit-up all over this.

FormerlyKnownAsWendy

And, I guess they outgrow it every 3 months or so, since it’s so thoughtfully put on a onesie. So if you really were to want them, you’d have to keep buying new ones. This sounds totally useful…..Right….um..

FormerlyKnownAsWendy

Because if you’re nutty enough to really want one, you want one after they outgrow the first.

Bethany Ramos

YEAH! WTF on the size thing?? I’m no engineer, but it’d make more sense if it could attach to different onesies.

FormerlyKnownAsWendy

I’m no engineer HA! That cracked me up.

http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

i didn’t even think about that! It’s a set of 2 or 3, so maybe it comes in all sizes? Now I have to check…

FormerlyKnownAsWendy

It does come in sets but there are 3 different sizes, so you buy a new one 3 times in the first year. I’ll get right on that.

Maddi Holmes

It looks like the turtle is detachable, so I imagine you can just buy the onesie without the turtle in different sizes. As for whether it can handle bodily fluids, I’m pretty sure someone thought of that and it was accounted for. Waterproof electronics do exist

FormerlyKnownAsWendy

I went and checked the link. It’s for sale in 3 different sizes for babies, each very expensive, of course

Blueathena623

And somehow poop juice will get on the respiratory sensors and short them out, so some parents at work will get a text that their kid isn’t breathing and they have heart attacks, etc.

Kay_Sue

Something like this would be worth it if it also washed itself.

Aimee Beff

My mom and sister were aghast that I didn’t want one of those baby monitors that fits between the sheet and mattress and sets off an alarm if the baby stops breathing. This after my sister had told me that hers gave a false alarm approximately every 12.3 seconds. Thanks, but instead I think I’ll actually try to hold together the fraying scraps of sanity I still have at this point.

Iwill Findu

My sister loaned me hers. I hated that stupid thing and my house is small enough that all the freaking false alarms would wake up the sleeping baby. It went back into the box after 2 weeks and I was so happy that I didn’t spend money on the darn thing.

Kay_Sue

Feeding that worry is big business in the world of baby merchandise. This is a trend that won’t go away any time soon.

NicknamesAreDull

My sister-in-law seemed kinda interested in it. One of my nieces has CF, so when she gets sick, it’s like super hell for my SIL She didn’t seem like she was going to buy a bunch, but she mentioned it was a good idea.

AugustW

I still get up, three years in, to make sure my daughter is breathing. Well, for the winter she is back in bed with me to save on heating, but yeah.

I have sleep apnea and I guess my fear is that she’ll have it and I’ll miss it.

AlexMMR

I had something similar to this – Snuza alarms. Laugh at me all you want, but after losing a pregnancy when everything was supposedly picture perfect and then bringing home two preemies from the NICU, I couldn’t relax at all unless I had something that would alert me if they stopped breathing. As long as there was no alarm going off, I could sleep knowing my babies were breathing and that I would be woken up if one of them stopped.

For any paranoid moms reading this article and thinking “huh, I kinda want one”, look at Snuza alarms. They’re awesome.

Design a Onesie that tells me in txt message what my baby wants because I was freaking clueless the first 6 months…that’d be WAY more helpful. “I’m gassy…”, “I need boob…”, “Rock me slowly side to side while jumping up and down, singing lullabies, and patting my butt at intervals…”

Rachel Sea

If there is a legitimate concern that my kid was likely to die in their sleep, they’d be on a heart monitor, and pulse oximeter. Typical kids get the staring-at-their-chest-to-see-if-they’re-breathing treatment.