Sexual incompatibility

It is interesting to note that the prestigious Mayo clinic categorizes low sex drive in women under “Diseases and Conditions” and has no analogous category for men, nor a “high sex drive” disease/condition. Even the medical establishment appears to be biased against people with lower sex drives!

Most articles I have read on sexual incompatibility seem to have the ultimate aim, whether explicit or not, to coax the party who is disinterested in sex to be more interested. Especially bad are religious websites that advocate what they call “empathy” or, putting the other person’s pleasure ahead of your own. Most articles emphasize the importance of talking about it, or figuring out what your partner likes and trying to do that. So this entry won’t be about ways to cajole the disinterested party into having sex more often.

This post is just for people who are not that interested in sex, but continually feel pressure from their partners to engage in it anyway. The articles always say that it isn’t anyone’s fault, and no one should feel rejected or inadequate, but then they continue on to suggest ways to increase interest in sex. Here are some suggestions for doing just the opposite. This post for the uninterested ones!

1. Medication

A simple search for “reduced libido” on the http://www.rxlist.com yielded 220 drugs ranging from Adderall (for ADHD) to Wellbutrin (an antidepressant). Now, I have no medical training, and am in no way suggesting that anyone take drugs they don’t need simply to achieve a side-effect, but of 220 drugs, surely there are at least a couple that might enhance your partner’s life in some way? Who doesn’t have a bit of ADHD, or the occasional bout of depression or anxiety?

2. Suggest an affair

This seems extreme, I know. But what if your partner is perfect in every other way, and you enjoy all other aspects of your life together? This may be a risky play, but if guidelines are laid out, and both parties agree to full disclosure, an agreed upon affair may be mutually beneficial. Your partner can get satisfaction without pestering you for it!

3. Trades

Think of a list of things that the you enjoy doing, but your partner despises. Now agree on a fair trade. Perhaps one sexual encounter is worth 3 shopping trips, or 1/2 a snowboarding vacation. The important thing here is to discuss thoroughly beforehand and have a written contractual agreement that both parties feel comfortable with. This way, in exchange for doing something you don’t really want to do, you get your partner to reciprocate in kind.

4. Make yourself undesirable

Does your partner hate when you pick your nose? Fart? Wear makeup? Don’t wear makeup? Has your partner ever told you that certain behaviors are a total turn-off? Remember all these things, and try to engage in them as often as needed! Do you get the feeling that you might get pressured into sex tonight? Force yourself to vomit. This method may also be extreme, but so are your partner’s constant demands.

5. Conditioning

Maybe you’re familiar with Little Albert, an 8-month-old who was conditioned by psychologist John Watson in 1920 to be frightened of small furry things. This fear be harder to condition in an adult, but try arranging for something very startling to happen the next time you have sex. Maybe the fire alarms are rigged to go off when your partner is nearing climax. Or a friend bursts in on you wearing a yeti costume and roaring at the top of his lungs. Does your partner have a phobia? Clowns, spiders, their mother? Try to use that. Be creative! Although, be very sure that you’ll always have a low sex drive because this route may cause permanent psychological damage…

6. Always remember…

You don’t owe anyone anything. Not even if you’re married. If you don’t feel like having sex, no one has the right to whine, complain, or guilt you into it. No one has the right to tell you what you should be doing with your body. In all seriousness, I’ll admit that none of the above suggestions are healthy. But neither are any of the suggestions in articles written by medical professionals which all give tips aimed towards increasing the amount of sexual activity in a relationship. Remember that if you are perfectly happy with the amount of sex in your life (regardless of how little that is), then you do NOT have a disorder or condition. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you do.

What refreshing honesty! If only everyone were as open as you are. Do you tell everyone this before the first date? “I am only buying dinner for you because I expect you to have sex with me.” I am sure your companions find you charming.

I’m afraid that if I had a price it would be significantly higher than dinner, regardless of how nice the restaurant is.