THE CRANKY OLD MAN
Random thoughts and stuff from a cranky old man. Humor (maybe)and satire, mostly stuff from a confused head.
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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Cranky's First Date

MY FIRST DATE

If first
impressions are important, it is a wonder I have ever had a second date with a
woman.Mrs. Cranky will confirm that the
first impression I give off is one of a clumsy, tongue tied, oblivious
clod.In actuality my real persona is only
a little clod like.

I have
always been a bit awkward with the ladies, right from my very first
“date.”My first date was at age
thirteen with Sue R.Sue R. was a petite
extremely cute blonde with a budding personality.Budding was the operative word for a hormone laden
new teen.

Arranging
this first date was an operation fraught with anxiety.The family phone was in my parent’s
bedroom.To call a young lady you had to
sneak into the room and dial quickly before a prying older brother caught you calling
a girl.If caught, the teasing would
have been merciless.

I called the
very cute Miss Sue at least five times.The first four I hung up because her brother, my brother’s best friend,
answered the phone.On the fifth try Mr.
R. answered.

“Who is this
and why do you keep calling and hanging up?”

“Um notme isSuethere?”

“Hmmm…whose
calling?”

“Joe?I mean Joe.”

“SUSIE,
SOMEONE JOE FOR YOU ON THE PHONE.”

M U S TC A T C HM YB R E A T H!

“Hello.”

“HiSueit’sJoe…wouldyouliketogotoamovieorsomethingsometime?”

“WHAT?”

Deep
breath.

“Hi Sue, it’s
Joe.Would you like to go to a movie or
something sometime?”

“Sure,
when?”

“Oh I was
thinking maybe Saturday?”

“Ok.”

“Okthenbye.”

The big date
was that Saturday, at a theater the next town over so we would not run into any
school friends.It was a double feature,
“Godzilla” and “Mothra.”With these Japanese
horror classics, surely love would be in the air.

Mom drove us
to the theater and dropped us off.Sue
and I had already stolen a kiss behind the candy store after school so I was
expecting some real action.I entered
the theater with high expectations.I
was quickly brought down to Earth.

My first
suave move was purchasing the ticket.

“Two, under
twelve please.” (Come on, it was 25 cents for under twelve, 35 cents for
adult.)

“You’re not
under twelve.”

“Yes we
are.”

The cashier
surveyed my “budding” young date and responded even more insistently, “No…no
you are not.”

Reluctantly
I handed over the full price of 70 cents.The cashier informed me, “Be glad, under twelve has to sit in the kid’s
section, I’m guessing you would rather be alone.”

We headed
in, bought a 15 cent box of buttered popcorn and went to the adult
section.I was anticipating hand holding
followed by a yawn and an over-the-shoulder arm move and maybe some discreet
kissing.

Instead the
usher demanded we move to the kid’s section.

“But I paid
for an adult ticket.”

“This
section is for 16 years old and above.You guys are not 16.”

“But I paid
full price…”

We were
forced to sit in a crowded section of 10 year old kids.

The
indignity of it all; I still get riled up thinking about it.I paid as an adult and got treated like a
kid.There was no hand holding, no arm
move, no discreet kissing.Surrounded by
10 year olds, it was just too embarrassing for words.

The date was
not a total loss, “Godzilla” and “Mothra” were classics, and believe it or not
the cute Sue R. and I dated for almost a year.We progressed past the arm-over move but beyond that I will not kiss and
tell (there wasn’t that
much to tell.)Then her family moved to Florida.

They say you
always remember your first date, and as much as I try to forget, what they say
is unfortunately too true.

Got your book, been reading it and enjoying it, but had to tell you that the last piece I just read, The Great George Garbageboatwalk, is as fine a piece of nostalgic writing as I've come across this year. That SI did not publish it is no doubt solely attributable to the fact that the person who read it (Nancy) was never one to massage the rules in a made-up game; a person who can't for the life of her imagine diluting her skills for the sake of continuing fun. For someone like me, who did such things himself, it was a perfect bit of childhood memory.

I'd suggest submitting it again, if not to SI then to some other baseball/sports/nostalgia publication. Just one thing - I'd closely look at it for spelling errors, particularly names. I spotted a few. That might turn people off before they could get to the meat. Anyway, great tale.

Your first was a rousing success by my standards My first, not so good.

We were supposed to go to a roller skating rink open noon to 5. He was late because he had to go to his violin lesson first and by the time we took the street car and the subway to the rink it was almost 3:30. Then we were turned away at the door because he was not wearing a jacket and tie. (this was in the real old days) We were both so demoralized we never tried it again. Sob

I was nearly 18 before I had my first date. It was pretty awful...we went to a dance where my date left me sitting against the wall while he danced with every girl in sight. His loss...what he didn't know was that I was a really, really good dancer and could have made him look great. Dopey boy!

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About Me

I am 70 years old, I have 4 children 45,42,40 and 18;and 5 grandchildren 13-6
. Divorced twice, married three times. I worked on Wall Street for 40 years after graduating from Lafayette College in 1968. I have turned to writing as since retirement I needed something to tell people "What the F*** I do." Published one book "Maybe It's Just Me!" available at Amazon, soon to release my second, "I Used To Be Stupid."
on twitter JoeHagyauthor