by Yoko Ono John had me swear I would never reveal the secret meaning of the song after he wrote it. Luckily I had my fingers crossed when I swore. John, I can tell you now, was secretly an agent of the KGB and was working for a communist revolution. That’s why he started…

Nat Geo has let him back on the air, after clearing him of accusations from two staff members. But we have learned there are more accusers out there in the universe. We have decided to allow these accusers to speak for themselves. Pleides Nebula: “He said I was gassy. It made me uncomfortable. I…

We’ve been hearing about the cheating on the test and the bribes and the so on. But what about the test itself? What exactly does it measure other than the ability to do well on the SAT test? For example—and I’m not trying to brag, very few people actually know this about me, well,…

Poetry by William H. Macy Why should disabled kids get unlimited time on the SATs When my child has to do it in three hours? Why should you have to actually row If you’re on the rowing team? Why should Bob Dylan win the Nobel Prize and not my friend David Mamet? Do you know…

After reading each passage, choose the answer that most effectively improves the quality of the writing. Based on the following passage: “The college admissions process is fair and treats all students equally.” Should the writer change “treats all students equally” to: a. treats children of celebrities and billionaires a tiny bit better than the rest…

Find a quiet space. Sit down. And then read this paragraph to yourself, in a gentle whisper. ASMR is autonomous sensory meridian response, described as “a pleasant, tingly sensation some people experience in the scalp or upper body as a result of quiet sounds or gentle touch.” If you read this paragraph you…

Dear Manny, Should I tell my child that he should be depressed about his white privilege, or should I let him continue feeling the joy of being a child? My child is about to enter kindergarten here in San Francisco. I have heard that he will be taught that he is a horrible…

By my daughter, that is. I’m not going to name the specific disorder, but she also said that I was “delusional.” Now, I should mention that my daughter is 17 years old and by no means a mental health professional. But I am wondering if this new diagnosis might qualify me for disability payments…

True stories from Hollywood Mark Jacobson was a pretty hot showrunner for a major network here in LA when he found out the head of the network had made a pass at his 18-year-old daughter, after he got her a meeting for her fledgling acting career. He was extremely pissed. This was after #Metoo, mind…

Dingle editors, writers and production staff will attend an event next week in the American South where we will be signing bibles to adoring fans of us and of the great sacred text. We are planning this event in order to emphasize our role in its creation. It is true that Donald Trump…

Dear Manny the Mansplainer, Massachusetts lawmakers are busy threatening to ban all youth from playing tackle football, out of concern for head injuries. This is a good idea, right? Protecting our children is what we Moms want. Can you mansplain how there could possibly be a downside to this? Loving Mom in Plymouth,…

The Dingle is offering an exclusive, the very same brand of comb that Senator (and presidential aspirant) Amy Klobuchar of Minnesota used to eat her salad after, hmmmph!, her assistant forgot to bring utensils. We’re not sure if the recent blitz of bad publicity against Ms. Klobuchar is sexism, misogyny, or good old fashioned…

We the moderators, owners, creators of this site, this community board, this yahoo group, this NextDoor thread, this Facebook page, this Reddit sub, this forum, feed, or web site, have decreed: No political discussion whatsoever. We want this to be a fun place. And we can’t handle the disagreement of opinion that ensues once…

Yes, it was chimney soot, but we know what it was, a racist dog whistle. Let’s look at Julie Andrews’ other sordid racist filmography. SOUND OF MUSIC – Sure sneak out of Austria with some blue-eyed Christian children. Forget about the Jewish kids, who cares! ANTI-SEMITIC PINK PANTHER – Oh pink? Is that gay? HOMOPHOBIC…

“I’m known for playing real assholes in movies” said the British actor, “But this is too much, even for me.” The actor, star of classy British films like The Ideal Husband, said he never knew his father was a Klu Klux Klan member, a Michael Jackson fan, or a blackface Cakewalk performer. “I thought he was…

This was a first for the Dingle. I am going to republish the letter exactly as they sent it to me, several days ago, with wild threats to go public with an image of my most intimate private dingle. Apparently their photographers were hiding in the bushes this weekend on our annual Dingle naked bow and…

Tom Brady’s wife was angry that he revealed her secret spells and protection charms during a press interview this week. She got so angry that she hurled several of the protection stones at her husband during an argument at their Massachusetts home. “Forget about ever winning the superbowl again,” she threatened. “I’m not…

“Why not follow your airplane crush down to baggage claim,” the napkin suggests. Some people have claimed that the creepy napkins given to passengers on Delta flights have crossed a line. But Delta and Coke executives are doubling down. “If she doesn’t talk to you in baggage claim,” another napkin suggests, “Follow her…

So before we show you the human carnage, the heartbreaking loss, the awful, awful events as they happened in real time, we’d like to: Sing you this happy song! Tweet tweet! Show you this beautiful car, vroom vroom! Ain’t she a beaut? Ain’t that girl cute? You can skip this ad in a few…

Dear Manny the Mansplainer – Why were men angry about the Gillette Ad? I mean, it just seemed to be encouraging men to call each other out on their gross behavior, didn’t it? Confused Woman in America Dear Confused, You have to be careful about this term toxic masculinity. For instance, if a trans person committed some kind…

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash The strong backlash to the former Starbucks CEO’s announcement of an independent bid for president has led me to question whether his campaign might be fresh roasted before it begins. It’s definitely got a drizzle of something and it’s not caramel, if you know what I mean. On the one hand,…

Clearly the most impressive display at the Las Vegas CES convention of new tech this year was in the men’s room. The convention provided certain stalls with the AI toilet paper, which according to Johnnie Honeypot, founder of rest room robotics firm WC Inc., revolutionizes the experience of wiping up. “You never really…

He’s not only refusing to resign–embattled Governor Ralph Northam is running for president! “I’m getting a lot of national attention,” said Governor Northam, who has been embroiled in a controversy following the release of a blackface photo from his medical school yearbook in 1984. “I figure now is the time to pounce.” Rumors…

Well, there’s not really much more to the story. Press Secretary Sanders explained yesterday why God wanted Trump to be president. “God is extremely conservative,” explained Sanders. “He hates, hates, hates, liberals, and any ideology that opposes selfishness.” And yet, the Dingle interviewer pointed out, isn’t there a lot of stuff in the Bible…

Tim Cook admitted today that Apple engineers were rushing to fix a bug in their Apple ecosystem which reportedly allows users to sit face to face with one another in real time and space talking and relating without any kind of device whatsoever. “It’s embarrassing,” said Cook. “We messed up here. There’s no reason…

by MacKenzie Bezos OMG. This is the happiest moment of my life. Thank you, thank you. You don’t know how much this means to me. I will love you forever. Or at least almost thirty years. That seems to be about how long love lasts. But honestly, this was so unexpected. I…

I am the angry writing teacher. I’ve been reading stories for more than twenty years. About your grandmothers. And trust me…your grandmother wasn’t all that. I’m sorry she’s dead. Really sorry. But does that mean you need to inflict that mess on the rest of the class? What do we care that this was…

It’s been tough on a bunny, I’ll tell you that. My average afternoon, back in the good old days, I’d mate with seventy or eighty different females in the forest. Now, I have to ask permission to nibble their ears or lick their paws. Plus, there’s all this new emphasis on the pleasure of…

I know, a lot of furries are loud during sex. If they’re a wolf, they’ll howl. If they’re a lion they roar. I’m a giraffe. Sometimes a person will try to make me feel bad about being so quiet during sex. “Giraffe’s don’t have vocal cords, dummy,” I will tell them. I wish I could…

By Joshua Adachi Last week, Gillette aired an ad suggesting that good male hygiene may be be the key to correcting a global legacy of oppression perpetuated against women throughout our known history. However, a recent study conducted by a Stanford research group shows that the most fervent users of Gillette’s products may…

Parents, you’ve all unfortunately felt it. You take the kids out to the latest billion dollar comic book franchise installment featuring a formulaic hero whom you could really not give a shit about and then — Yikes! —halfway through the dumbarama circus you find yourself actually, dare I say it, rooting for the cipher of…

I am happy to announce that the long search for a second Dingle Headquarters has been completed. Thank you for all the cities and towns that sent bribes and other gifts. It has been a truly inspiring experience to be on the receiving end of graft for a change. We have awarded our…

I have not a single subscriber from China. Hmmm. Coincidence. I think not, Sleeping Dragon. Arise from your slumber and confess to me — you’ve been censoring the Dingle, haven’t you? Why else would I have to write this? I mean, really, would I make something like this up, just to call attention to…

Calvin Klein provided a glimpse of what the future of men’s underwear could look like by introducing the first smart-phone controlled briefs on Tuesday. The Didgie Tighties, priced at $350, will open themselves when a chap approaches a urinal, allowing the bell end of his cod dangle to pop out into the open air.…

Dear Manny, A bunch of women are throwing their hat in the ring for president in 2020. I’m worried though. Seems like men didn’t want to vote for Hillary too much in 2016. What’s different this time? Are men ready to have a female in the Oval Office? NPR Lover, San Jose Dear NPR Lover,…

Bunny Blog #245 According to new guidelines established by the APA, traditional masculinity is toxic because of its emphasis on being strong, being powerful, and being courageous. Well, I’ve got news for you. That’s a very myopic view of traditional masculinity. In the bunny tradition, we men are not strong. Challenge me to an arm wrestling battle?…

Bunny Blog #648 I know one thing — no rabbit has ever attended Harvard University. This could, of course, be because of a phenomenon called self-selection. That means most bunnies know they aren’t going to get in, so they don’t apply. Of course, bunnies don’t usually live long enough to attend any college at all,…

It’s the year 2115, but believe it or not, clickbait is still a thing. In order to arrive at the final destination — a picture of Nadia today as a 154-year-old skeleton — you will have to endure all kinds of tomfoolery. NEXT For instance, is that NEXT the button to push to get to…

President Trump proposed a new solution to Democratic leadership today. Said an incredulous Nancy Pelosi, “He told us he would give famous producer Phil Spector a presidential pardon, drive him down to the Southern border, and ask him to build a gigantic wall of sound fifteen hundred miles long to keep out the undesirables from…

Photo by Garidy Sanders on Unsplash I’m a futurist, so I know these things. Here’s the good news: In the office of the future, your boss will be an angelic being who gives you instructions by singing to you in an angelic soprano voice. These angels came to take over capitalism in the year 2067 because it…

“We don’t get it,” said astronomers at the CHIME observatory, located in British Columbia’s Okanagan Valley, which consists of four 100-metre-long, semi-cylindrical antennas, which scan the entire northern sky each day. The telescope only got up and running last year, and already scientists have stumbled upon a major discovery. “Apparently an…

Outside your apartment, at the very moment of climax, a car engine might backfire. Don’t worry, that wasn’t you — or your partner! A world away, in Bulgaria, at the moment of your orgasm, a strong peasant woman might be milking a cow. Never mind, that’s just a weird coincidence. Over your house, as you orgasm,…

Merlin Burrows, which calls itself a land and sea search company specializing in finding “forgotten or hidden” things, is poised to release a documentary about what it says may finally be proof that Atlanta is real. “We found stunning images east of the town of Douglasville and south of the town of Sandy Springs.…

I’m not kidding. I know this is a satire blog. And I’m usually making fun of something. But not this time. McKenzie, I love you. First of all, I love McKenzie as a first name. Did you know I used to have a crush on McKenzie Phillips. Did you know she slept with her own…

Why are there not more pictures of her on the cover of magazines when I go to the super market? I am really, really mad. I saw a magazine and it didn’t even have one article about Meghan Markle. Then, I picked up another magazine and there was only a small picture of her. I…

The ghost of Allen Ginsberg reported today that he was also going to be absent for the oral argument phase of the next round of supreme court cases. “You know I love oral,” explained Ginsberg. “But I’ve had it with Washington.” Mr. Ginsberg explained that the current climate made it difficult even for a…

He looks like scientist Rodney Brooks from MIT, but he’s really a hyper realistic robot designed by artificial intelligence overlords to brainwash humanity as our society is slowly taken away from us. Do not believe articles you read about how we should relax and not worry about the robots. But if they catch you, whatever…

It was an ugly scene in a parking lot in the Outlet Mall in Cerritos California as an automated car bumped into one of the mall’s security robots. “Hey, I’m walkin’ here,” shouted the robot in a bad New York accent, apparently trying to imitate Dustin Hoffman, who is alleged to be a sexual…

As a crazy person I take offense to the movie Bird Box which stigmatizes us crazy people as hateful and villainous. But as a blind person I have to congratulate this movie for making us blind people the heroes of the scary piece of Netflixia. As a crazy blind bird, however, I am outraged…

Just two be clear, I dick tated this test so there could be Sammy Rata. Butt I wanted two wish every won a Mary Ex Mass and a happy knew ear. Hear at the Dingle they’re our a couple of peephole who I wood like two thank. First Tear E Edwards and Paul Da Cree…

In order to preserve patient Meyer Block’s passion for figures and calculations, surgeons had him wake up during brain surgery and fill out tax form 1040 for the surgeon Dr. Ray Mankowski. “I needed to get my taxes done anyway,” says Mankowski. “So this worked out pretty well. We were able to steer clear…

Geneticists have confirmed that Homosapien DNA mixed with Neanderthal a long long time ago. But how much of this blockheaded ninny muggins do you have in you? Scientists have devised this simple five-question quiz which reliably determines how beastly you really are. 1. A driver cuts in front of you rudely with his car.…

Each year at this time I publish my “No Longer My Friend” list. I find it’s very useful to let the public know who has slighted me and whom I am going to withdraw my love from. I know it seems petty, but a prominent psychologist has informed me that it’s actually very healthy. This…

Happy, well-off customers of San Francisco restaurants have been surprised by a real treat lately — waiters on the menu instead of on the job. “I’d never tried human before,” said tech worker Leslie Brinmore. “It was like chicken. But a little chewier.” Since they can’t afford to live in San Francisco, a lot…

I’m having a big Christmas party. And these are my friends who are coming. They are the ones who actually spend the three seconds it takes to RSVP. Thanks a lot new friends. One of these will probably be my new girlfriend. She never complains or bosses me. I love her. That one on…

Photo by Eeshan Garg on Unsplash A bottle of beer that was scorched during the recent wildfires was rescued by fire fighters. It lost its label, but it was a Budweiser, say officials. The firefighters took it back to the spot they found it, and left it there to live out its natural life. But Dwane Stevens,…

Fans are now wondering if Tom Brady might be the worst of all time quarterback, after he threw an interception and blew the Patriots game against the Pittsburgh Steelers. “He sucks,” said one fan, Marvin Stayathome. “The Pats should fire him and start that lousy backup, Brian Hoyer.” Fantasy football fan Brian Anger…

“She was very beautiful,” explains the stranger, Bill McBride. “She looked like she spent a lot of time in gym. That’s what I thought of when she came down the aisle.” He may have been in a first class seat, but the stranger is no stranger to being rejected by women. “Women like…

I repeat. Do not eat raw cookie dough, It could kill you. Warning. I repeat. Warning! Do not put your finger in whip cream. Do not drink from the bottle. Do not kiss your dog. Do not have your dog in bed with you. Do not use your sister in law’s HBO…

We are very happy in Los Angeles, don’t get us wrong. But we’re a little bored, so it is time to open a second headquarters because it seems like a good way to get publicity and free stuff from government officials. Downinthedingle.com today announces a nationwide search for the best city to locate our second…

Photo by Joel Muniz on Unsplash It was a complete shock to me, a few weeks ago, when I was watching porn and I clicked on a clip that looked interesting. It was called “Vintage Busty Blonde, Natural.” It was pretty good. The Blonde had late 80s hair, and I was focusing on her breasts as…

DIAGORAS: Um…you really exist? GOD: Yes. Didn’t you look at the photo for verification. The one with me sitting on the cloud with a piece of paper saying the date and r/atheism? VOLTAIRE How do we know you’re not just some guy with a fake beard posed on a green-screened CGI cloud? GOD: Well, I…

A computer in Washington DC last week revealed in text messages to other computers that it had “a bad feeling in my gut about my user. I think he’s creepy and gross.” Other computers pointed out that this was impossible, since computers “don’t have a gut.” “Yes,” replied the newly intuitive machine. “But…

In this interview, we meet a girl named ABCDE (pronounced Absidy), her sisters FGHIJ (pronounced Fudgy-jay) and KLMNO (Kalimino) and her brothers PQRST (Puhchrist) and UVWXY (A-bug-chrissy) to talk about their family. (Their dog is called simply Z, which rounds out the alphabet nicely.) ABCDE (Absidy) — We’re just normal kids like any other family. Only…

(Thanks to Paul D’Acri) We all love “Yesterday” by the Beatles. But the Paul McCartney-penned song has been nothing short of hell for Joeseph Burton, Leeds, England, who has had the song stuck in his head since 1993. “I was listening to the oldies station on the radio,” said Burton. “On came ‘Yesterday.’ I was…

Geneticists surveying human “bar codes”, or genetic material that lives outside DNA, have concluded that it was just one gay male couple, 200,000 years ago, that spawned the entire human race. The couple, names unknown, apparently paid a surrogate mother to give birth to what would become the modern human. “We don’t know…

I have always had an amateur interest in biogenetics, so when Crispr first came out, I was one of the first to hear about it from Amateur Gene Editing Quarterly, which I have a subscription to. I promptly ordered one of the DIY kits and began editing the embryo of my first child, Dorotea. My…

THEY’RE NOT BETTER THAN US, they’re worse, probably. So we should insult them. This week’s challenge was to rearrange this headline about the royal arses into something insulting: “Tension between Kate and Meghan could be behind Harry and Meghan’s move to Frogmore” The only rules were you must use at least six words from the…

Archeologists have unearthed a cache of new evidence that calls into question everything we think we know about Vikings. I mean everything.. Of course, you know they never wore horned helmets. That was an invention of a 19th century writer. But did you know Vikings loved short shorts, especially made of black leather, and they…

Dems Flip 186 more House seats, Senate Now in Play After Recounts The Blue Wave was a tsunami, turns out. Trump apparently going crazy stomping back and forth and gnashing his teeth. Melania is freaking. Ivanka is crying. The Trump boys have cancelled their giraffe hunting trip. Pence is hiding under a bed. Where’s Jared? …

Thanks, Stormy, say the nation’s mushroom growers, who have faced an 80 percent decline in business since Stormy Daniels announced in her memoir that Donald Trump’s penis was shaped “like a weird mushroom.” “Nobody wants to even look at them any more,” said Mushroom Association president, James F. Button. “The very sight of mushrooms makes…

New Zealand is putting a suicide warning on A Star is Born which gives away its ending but might protect a lot of nervous kiwi kids. Here’s a few more they need to add, just in case some NZ youth get triggered and start bawling and so on. Anna Karenina — Jumping in front of a train…

Photo by sebastiaan stam on Unsplash After winning the election for assemblyman in Nevada’s 36th district, an ebullient Dennis Hof greeted supporters to declare victory and drop a major hint about his presidential ambitions. “Donald Trump, you better watch out in 2020, I’m coming for you,” cried to the victorious former reality TV star and author of “The…

Something very strange is going on in the financial system. Very strange indeed. Especially after that burrito lunch. According to the Financial Times, Mexican food can indeed lead to an increase in wet flatulence. But financial planners have often ignored these warnings. Reclusive millionaire Gus Watkins is here to tell you – don’t! Watkins, who…

I can’t believe I finally reached my goal weight, after 13 months of Keto living. It has been an incredible journey, and I want to thank everyone here on the reddit keto sub for their help. Today I weighed in at 6 pounds. Woop! Woop! I should explain. I died, and my wife cremated me. …

Which claim toward the end of this article will be in fact shown to be exaggerated by the scientists, misunderstood by some journalists and downright falsified by others in the endless puke of hype that is this information age. But here at the beginning we are going to start off with an untempered enthusiasm to…

Probably not, but read on. You might be surprised. Some people lately have suggested that those healthy brands of toothpaste that they sell at Trader Joes and Whole Foods might be actually worse for you than the regular old Crest or Colgate minty fresh brands. But those people are wrong. In fact, everything you thought…

You invented a new salsa flavor and you don’t even know that much about cooking. You were able to fix the toilet after the thingie dropped off the spout in the other thingie in the tank. You fixed your computer problem by rebooting, but then the problem came back, so instead of wasting any…

According to a French study, 25% of people who eat organic food are likely to be high maintenance, complain a lot, be dissatisfied, miserable, etcetera. Some scientists have disputed the findings. “French people are annoying anyway,” says Biologist Peter Torke. “So we can’t trust this study.” The scientist behind the original study, though, claims they…

It’s very hard to be a rock star. The touring is a real grind. And then the drinking is tough, and so are the drugs. And people take photos of you wherever you go, even at the grocery store or in drag bars. And also, then your fucking girlfriend becomes a bigger star than you…

Congratulations on your appointment with the Saudi Arabian embassy. Here are a few things to keep in mind. While we are quite happy to have you visit us, failure to comply with rules may result in your being politely asked to leave the embassy or dismembered in a conference room while you are still…

Pretty good. I mean, a snack would be awesome. I do have cotton mouth. Could I get a water? I mean, I’m feeling pretty chill. This music is good. I’m a little paranoid. Wait. Are you guys making fun of me?

I mean, let’s face it. It is a little creepy. A guy gets married. And all of a sudden his ex-girlfriend goes into a mental hospital for depression. “I feel really confused,” said Justin. “I mean, one minute I was having the happiest experience of my life, rainbows and unicorns. Now it’s all kind of…

This week it came out that farms are worse than factories – for the environment, that is. The four major food producing firms produce more greenhouse gas than all factories combined. Shove that in your Prius and smoke it, Granola-breath. Where are the pitchforks? One would think we’d have an angry mob organized by now,…

Why We Need Hourly Updates on Hurricane Death Tolls Because…in a democracy it’s important that the citizenry remain informed, in order that…. Ah, who are we kidding? It’s not because of that. Blood leads, they used to say in the newspaper game when I was a young reporter. Why? Because of something called morbid curiosity.…

1. Stay home and binge watch something awesome on Netflix. 2. Stay home and watch foreign films on Amazon– I recommend Amor, awesome, so awesome. 3. Stay home and go down an internet rabbithole. Enter “MK Ultra” in google and see where it leads you. 4. Stay home and organize a closet. 5. Oh wait! WTF! …

Is your car acting up? Are you tired of traditional western mechanics, with their all too predictable oil change and brake job? Maybe your car could benefit from a non-traditional modality of car treatment. Edward Hall opened his car-acupuncture clinic in East Hollywood a few months ago and the business has been brisk. Clients can…

Tattoos are more popular than ever, as both a fashion statement and a declaration of modern paganism, tribalism, or plain barbarism. But how safe are those tattoos? Before you commit to writing your current girlfriend or boyfriend’s name on your arm, you might consider the dangers. You have to assess the risk for yourself. There…

“boy and girl having pillow fight” by Allen Taylor on Unsplash “But he started it,” whined the one Child. “No, I didn’t,” claimed the other. “You did!” “I don’t care who started it,” said the Media, trying to concentrate on the road. “Why is it that every time we get in the car you two…

ELON: Hello, this is Elon. ME: Hi, Elon. ELON: You again. I read your blog. Not bad. ME: Thanks. ELON: I’d appreciate it if you took down the two articles about me, though. ME: OK, whatever you want, Elon. ELON: Yeah, they’re not real. I never said any of those things. So, if you could…

There can be no doubt about it — this week with the Supreme Court nominee revealed as just another pervy male, it is not good times for men. The gender I’m so proud of has really let me down. I’m totally ashamed, and I have to admit, women would be justified in eliminating us. …

Yes, I know, I’m just a dumb writer and this is just another dumb intro to another dumb article you’re wasting your life reading but guess what? If you stick with it, you will find the truth about _________. I write ______ because that’s how dangerous my ideas are. If I wrote out the name of…