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Bunny is 3 days old. It’s our first night home. We are in pure bliss. The post-labor high hasn’t quite worn off yet. We give her a bath. We take the cutest pictures ever. I can’t stop smiling.

Bunny falls asleep and we order pizza.

Blessed pizza.

I’ve been waiting for pizza for 4 months. It was off limits because of the gestational diabetes. I’ve been wanting this pizza more than anything.

Ok – almost anything.

Blessed carbs.

I have a slice.

Something doesn’t feel right. I feel hot. I run to the bathroom. I bend over the toilet – gagging.

It’s nothing. It’s my hormones acting up. This is supposed to happen around three days postpartum. It’s my body not being used to the junk food. It’s me being tired.

It’s nothing.

Bunny is 4 days old. My milk has come in. The high has worn off. Happiness abounds, but the lack of sleep is starting to reach crisis point.

I make spaghetti.

A few bites in and I can’t stomach it. By the end of dinner I’m once again gagging.

Maybe it’s just too heavy for me.

Bunny is 5 days old.

Sushi. I waited 10 months for sushi.

Gag. Sputter. Gag.

When I was a teenager, my parents used to joke that they knew when I was anxious, because they would hear me cough.

That’s where I used to feel my panic attacks – in my throat. They used to start in my throat.

But not any more. That hasn’t happened for years and years. These days they’re supposed to start with my eyes. With my ears ringing. With a weird buzzing around my head.

Bunny is 6 days old.

I have started a very low dose of a an anti-anxiety med that is safe for breastfeeding. But it’s skittles compared to xan.ax. Does it do the job? Not really. But it helps. It took headphones on at full blast, bunny in another room, and complete darkness – but I slept for two hours.

Chicken meatballs and rice.

Gag.

Without thinking – I grab a skittle pill.

Right. This is what this is. My body has decided. This is how I panic now. Again. It’s back in my throat.

The skittle helps and I finish dinner.

New Years Eve. Bunny is 3 months old. We have been to a good friend’s house. Eaten good food, drank good Lambrusco, had an amazing time. Bunny is asleep at her grandparents’ and we are walking distance from our beds.

Shmerson reflects on where we were last year. Announcing my pregnancy to the same people we just celebrated with. Two years ago – pregnant with Nadav, taking it easy. Three years ago – on a break from trying – at a restaurant with friends. Four years ago – planning our wedding – no idea what was to come.

Today. Look at us today.

I realize that there is a baby waiting for us – five minutes away.

A baby. She’s ours. She’s mine.

Gag. Sputter.

I have to stop and catch my breath.

Gag. Retch. Gag.

People walking next to us are starting to stare.

Gag. Gag. Retch.

I lean on a tree. Bend over.

Gag.

I try to breath deep. I start rummaging through my purse, crying.

Gag.

Here it is.

Gag.

Good.

I build up the spit in my mouth between gags. Pop the pill and swallow.

8 Responses to “PPA Part 3 – Dinner”

I am quickly realizing how important these posts are. Not just for you, but for all mothers: current or future mothers. They need to read these to understand what PPA really is and how to recognize it. Because I sure as hell wouldn’t have realized all this stuff was going on with you if you hadn’t written it. Keep it going girl.

What?! I have the ears ringing fuzzy head thing too! At night! Like an irritation in my mind. I’ve never heard of that before and never knew what it was. And also suffer from self diagnosed ppa/OCD and taking some Zoloft with an agreeable dr.

All three of these posts are brilliant and so moving. I’m sorry you experienced (or are experiencing) this. I had huge issues with sleep too – when I would finally drift off, I would wake up in a panic trying to find her stuck and unable to breathe in our bedding… but we didn’t sleep with her. She’d never even been in our bed. Thanks for writing these.

I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with this, Mo. I didn’t have this as severely, but I definitely suffered from anxiety after buddy was born. Still there now, but better. You’ve been through hell, bunny means the world to you, and sometimes reconciling those two things is going to be hard. I’m glad you sought help and are sharing your experience here. I’ve been a sucky commenter but I’m always reading and thinking about you. Hugs to you, Mo.