7 Worst Things to Say to A Friend on a Diet

You may mean well, but these comments are almost certain to derail your loved one's efforts to lose weight.

By Sally Stich

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Who of us hasn’t declared ourselves on a diet and been a stung by comments from a spouse or friend? Sure, sure, they mean well and all of that, but somehow the effect feels like a knife in the gut, a punch to the psyche, a death blow to motivation—especially as we get older. It's not only harder to lose weight, but we’re also plagued with other physical issues, like wrinkles, sagging skin, and age spots.

Whether the comments are well-intentioned or an expression of jealousy; genuine concern or disgust, they often produce a similar result: we end up eating more, not less.

Are You Helping or Hurting?

"As almost everyone knows," says Mike Abrams, Ph.D., co-author of The Art and Science of Rational Eating, "losing weight, especially later in life is one of the toughest things to do—even if you never had a weight problem before." Even worse, research shows that most diets only have a five percent success rate. Given the inherent difficulty, loved ones can be a help or a hindrance. If you fall into the latter category, bite your tongue before you say the following >>

"When you drop the extra pounds, you‘ll look like you did when we first met."

Why it’s counter-productive: Never refer to what your spouse or friend looked like when he or she was younger, says Abrams, because it only adds to the almost universal fear of growing older and losing former attractiveness. If you don’t like my extra weight, the thinking goes, what about my wrinkles and saggy arms, which are even harder to fix?

"You can do it, if only you try a little harder."

Why it’s counter-productive: "It suggests that the dieter has a character flaw," says Abrams, "which is one of the biggest issues around fat and weight loss." Our society tends to equate being fat with being lazy, weak-willed and out of control, when, in fact, weight is biologically determined and keeping it at its set point gets harder as we age. (Do some people eat way too much? Sure, but it’s an emotional issue, not a character flaw.)

From a spouse: "Lose weight or I’m going to leave, cut off sex, etc."

Why it’s counter-productive: For one thing, it’s a threat, and threats rarely produce the desired behavior. Why? When someone already feels bad about himself or herself (as many overweight people do), they’re much less likely to put in the effort to improve what seems hopeless, especially under threatening circumstances.

“You should try the diet I used.”

Why it’s counter-productive: Each of us must find our own path to weight loss, and given that there’s no one diet that has proven phenomenal success rates, who’s to say what will work for another, says Abrams. Even if you think your friend or spouse has picked a bizarre diet, keep it to yourself. The only true arbiter is the scale.

“It’ll be terrific when you lose some weight.”

Why it’s counter-productive: Sweet as it may sound, there’s a possible subtext here: it’ll be terrific when you lose weight, because then you won’t die. “Most people are not motivated by the thought of survival because few of us think about our own demise," says Abrams. "Possible death (even diminished health) is not a great motivator when it comes to breaking bad habits.”

“C’mon, you can have one small piece of cake. It’s your favorite.”

Why it’s counter-productive: Would you ask a recovering alcoholic to try "just one drink”? No. Treat the dieter the same way. “Respect their choices," says Abrams, "and don’t tempt, which is really just a form of sabotage—no matter how sugar-coated it is.” (If your spouse decides to eat a piece of cake without your "help", bite your tongue.)

Why it’s counter-productive: Even if you never say a disparaging word to your loved-one-on-a-diet, non-verbal cues can communicate displeasure, disgust, and even dislike. “I have had couples in therapy where the wife has a beautiful face but is very overweight" says Abrams. "And I’ve watched the husband sit leaning away from his wife, crossing his legs away from her and never once reaching out to hold her hand or touch her.” Message received.