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Thursday, 18 December 2014

As I was lying in bed, trying to sleep before work in the morning, I was restless to write. It's been a long time since I posted and no one even reads these anymore. Not that I had many followers before, but my purpose here has always been to clear my mind and my soul of the excess amount of words caught inside me.

I could talk about so much! I've been full of inspiration and this need to create, to write, to paint, to craft. But I've also been so caught up in worrying about where I should be and what else I want from my life that I really don't get much creating done. Anyone that knows me, knows I am a terrible over thinker, a constant worrier and planner. I have a fun and wild side, but she can be too much for me to handle so I keep her locked up most of the time.

I have SO much to be thankful for in my life right now. So many reasons to be proud of myself, the progress I've been making in my life but also the steps I've been taking are extremely terrifying to face on my own. Buying a house at 22 was exciting and something I knew I could handle as the rents I had been paying were more than my mortgage. I had a good job and roommates at the time. Then I incorporated at the end of my 22nd year. Which I still have mixed feelings about. I love my business and want to continue, I just don't know if the incorporated route is the way for me. We'll see it's all been a learning experience. I got my first big job at 23 and everything that could have gone wrong, did. Now, still 23, I'm building onto my house to create a studio space and a new porch. It's terrifying, I'm so afraid to fail, that I won't be able to make payments, that I'm going to fall flat on my face. But I push that fear away, because that's all it is is fear.

I know I can do things in my own, but it's so much harder. I know I don't NEED a significant other to make my life whole or to help me through life. I'm a big girl I can make it on my own. I actually don't understand completely why I don't have more people interested in me. I'm set up already, I have my life pretty much together, other than the love aspect of it. Am I too intimidating? Is the fact that I don't NEED someone to take care of me the reason I don't have more people after me? I always blame it on the shallowness of the world, I'm a plus size, juicy bitch. Everyone wants a model like twig these days. But that's not fair for me to judge people like that's it could also be because I'm actually really strange and have a weird outlook on life, I want a simple life, I want to be self sufficient. But most likely it's because I don't put out anymore or that I'm so closed off and trust no one, that I won't let anyone get to know me. I struggle with it on a daily. I start to think I'm depressed, but I'm not.

I am happy, I just really have a hard time wanting people in my life. Maybe I feel like I've been disappointed by so many people or that I've disappointed so many people, that it's just not worth all the hurt that comes with it.

Sappy, I know. I'll tone it down, back to not NEEDING someone. My point is I really WANT someone. Out of all the crazy highs and lows of my life I have never felt something so confusing as what I feel right now. My body and mind ache to have love in my life again. I want someone to love me so badly that it hurts. I want to have a relationship again, to trust someone, to feel safe curled up beside a warm body at night, to talk and laugh with someone agin and want nothing but their company, to feel good about myself because they make me feel amazing. But I do not want anyone to get close to me right now, I don't want anyone to touch me or meet me in person and even speak with me. I avoid all contact with other guys I know are single or available. I actually avoid most of the public these days. But I just want nothing to do with people I could be with. I want someone and yet don't want to get to know anyone, I don't want anyone to know me. I'm not sure if it's my insecurities with myself or lack of faith in the human race.

It's so hard to deal with. If I talk to anyone, I push them away. I won't let them close enough for any real feelings to form. Because I'm so unsure of myself, I don't know how to trust myself to know when I actually really like someone or just the idea of them. I need to be able to figure that out before I let someone in.

My want to have children is so great right now that I could cry every time I see a baby. I watch my papa interact with babies and kids at work and I just need to have a child now. They need to know him, I desperately need my children to have this amazing man in their lives. It's not an opinion and it's something I feel so strongly about, that I have to keep myself from going out and having random sex with people just to get pregnant. My grand father means the world to me and I've already told him that he has to live forever, but I know that's not allowed. All I want is to have my first child know him, I want more than that, but atleast my first born must be blessed by knowing him.

So there's that part that also really makes me want a healthy relationship, so I can have a family. I picture myself with a hard working guy who understands my needs and I understand his. I want to be a work at home. Run my business from home and provide, even teach my own children.

I could go on and on with this mushy stuff, but the weight has been lifted enough that I'm sure I can sleep now.