7 Steps To STICKIN' IT To F2P Mobile Games

1. Download them and NEVER PAY MICROTRANSACTIONS

Take THAT, Candy Crush. You completely depend on me spending money to play the game - BUT I'M PLAYING FOR FREE, BITCHEoh fuck outta lives, see y'all in a couple hours.

2. Absolutely NEVER click the ads

Hey idiot advertisers for mobile games, guess what? I'm NEVER clicking your bullshit ads. I just sit there calmly and wait to X out your stupid ad you paid a bunch of money for. Bet you feel quite the fool now, huh? You've just been suckered by the Robin Hood of mobile games, who steals from the rich and keeps for himself!

3. Leave TERRIBLE REVIEWS

See this game I downloaded and plunked about 10 (give or take 490) cumulative hours into over the course of the last week? It's SHITTY. 1 STAR. All the people who read my review for Trivia Crack will know your game is actually not very good. There are definitely probably a ton of people who read those reviews and weigh them seriously.

4. Just Buy, Like, A Few Extra Lives Because I Really Wanna Take Another Turn and I Don't Want To Wait 30 Minutes, But That Makes Them Think I'll Buy a BUNCH More - EXCEPT I WON'T!

Psh, what's 99 cents? It's NOTHING...but you think that'll be the start of a slippery slope for me, huh? You'll probably change your revenue projections, expecting a huge windfall from me becoming an addict who can't help but spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars on your garbage app game. PSYCH!! I'M NEVER GONNA BUY ANY MORE! I FUCKING TRICKED THE SHIT OUTTA YOU!

5. Delete the Game From My Phone

6. Reinstall It

I mean, fuck, I get real bored on the subway sometimes and I can't connect to Trivia Crack when I'm underground so fine I'll reinstall it but YOU ARE NOT GETTING A GODDAMN PENNY MORE FROM ME.

7. Pay $99.99...AKA THE BEST VALUE! If I Had Bought All Of That SimCash Individually, It Would Have Totally Cost Me WAY More Money.

Wow, you app developers must feel like HUGE idiots now! If you hadn't given me that EXTREMELY SWEET deal, I probably woulda had to pay, like, 70% MORE for all that SimCash I bought. I basically just ROBBED you of YOUR money...and there's NOTHING you can do to stop me!