The most common reason for not hitting the trails is I’m too busy and haven’t got the time. In terms of our wellbeing, especially mine, I can’t afford not to, and when I’m tired and busy that’s exactly the right time to hit the trails and recharge.

Imagine a little white tablet (in fact dissolvable with a taste that adjusts to your own preference…I’m thinking Banoffee Pie), that has seemingly limitless evidence to support its ability to prevent and manage; heart disease, type 2 diabetes, osteoarthritis, dementia, stress, depression and anxiety. This very same tablet boosts happiness, sleep, strength and flexibility, self-confidence, memory, energy levels, immunity, creativity and relaxation. Oh, you’ll also live longer and it’s free. Well, these are just some of the benefits that come with regular exercise.

I am not one for labels and it may or may not resonate with you when I say Trail Running is my medication. Not, running, the gym and certainly not cricket, but quite specifically trail running. For me the mix in my meds that ‘rocks my boat’, is a steady dose of about 12k, with a smidge of beach and a mass of bush trails and a healthy portion of hill.

Keeping it up, but knowing when to up the dose.

Three years ago, almost to the day my family suffered a big loss. The grief was to put it mildly, painful. The day after and in the midst of making arrangements, without much thought I put on my running gear and grabbed my cash card before I stepped out of the house and started to run. Not as a mad man, or one being chased by a rabid dog, just one foot in front of the other. My journey started from Whangaparaoa and finished in Mission Bay after a swim (more of a less dramatic wade) across Wade River and a quick ferry trip from Devonport. Needless to say this was far from my usual route or distance. The physical pain was a welcome distraction, as was the opportunity to step out of my thoughts and feelings. I was not running away from my problems by any stretch, I was coping with it as best I could. I had taken my ‘meds’ and the best therapy I could have asked for right then and there.

The endish… well that came from an unexpected source and time! This breakthrough was on my now less than trusty mountain bike. A few weeks ago my seat snapped clean off the post whilst sitting back into an awesome descent. When the seat gave way my crotch embraced a fast moving and well treaded bike tyre. With no feeling of pain at all, I assumed I was in shock, that was the only explanation for the lack of pain that I would have expected from the equivalent of a belt sander on my crotch. Turns out it was more of a glancing blow and my imagination was being overly dramatic. The bike mechanic who only 2 weeks earlier who had repaired the seat was the sole target of my inner rage.

A couple of weeks ago I jumped on the bike for a quick training ride. A tad nervous after my recent experience I couldn’t help but question if it was possible to get impaled on my own seat post, if the seat was to make a break for it again. Then my imagination floated unhelpfully to how would someone treat such an injury.

Anyway, the first few pedals in the bike was making all sorts of weird and wonderful noises. I would love to say it was groaning under the strain of the immense power I was exerting on my humble stead. The bike wasn’t happy, kept jumping gears and making a damned annoying banging sound. For this I allocated blame firmly with another bike mechanic.

The final straw to my ride was when I was peddling up hill, sounding like a one man band, with all the banging and scraping noises. A gent who, in my minds eye, had no physical right to overtake me, was doing so, whilst checking his Strava and eating a muesli bar. The cheek of the man to then smile politely as he greeted me good morning. The blame for this rested firmly with my work, as it took my time and energy away from exercising, whilst also still holding an unhealthy anger directed toward the two bike mechanics.

Well, the seat post incident, I knew the seat angle was off when I picked it up. I also knew this put too much pressure on the pin and was a matter of time before it would snap. It would have taken less than 30 seconds to fix this problem. I didn’t, so mechanic number 1, I’m sorry, my fault.

The banging and scraping noise, I had been told by mechanic number two that the chain was slack and needed replacing. This can and did do all sorts of damage because I chose not to act and ‘it’ll be right’. Mechanic number two, apologies my fault.

As for the fella that overtook me, apologies, my bad again, less chocolate and more exercise, simple.

The relevance of this may or not be obvious, but it was like a sledge hammer at the end of the last ride. I had externalised my grief and therefore power rested outside of myself and I became a spectator in my own process. With all my knowledge, training and experience in the very field of trauma, grief and loss I couldn’t seem to apply it to my own experience. I was blaming anybody and everybody, whether it made sense or not. As soon as I took back control and responsibility for my own wellbeing it is a very empowering mindset indeed.

For many reading this you too will have your own highs and lows throughout your own lives. You too will also know what running or being active means and does for you. It feeds and nourishes us physically, mentally and spiritually. Keep taking your meds, its way better than any pill, it can get you through and you will be okay.

You won’t struggle to find advice, apps and bits in between to help those reaching out for support, such as counselling. But what about the family and friends outside of counselling, you won’t find much if anything at all.

As a counsellor I’ve seen thousands of individuals and families over the years. When they are sat in front of me they are the all and everything of that space. For most of the counselling conversations it will be a deep processing and the development or strengthening of ‘positive seeds’, ‘food for thought’ or ‘reflection’. Whatever you want to call it, a huge amount goes on outside of the counselling space in between sessions. What is it like for the family and friends who are seemingly along for the ride? Kind of like a silent partner in business land, they have a huge investment, commitment and role in the whole deal but may feel shut out from the whole thing.

Every relationship and individual is wonderfully unique, so what works for one may be useless for another. However, SKOOPER may offer guidance on how to manage time as a SPOC (Silent Partner of Counselling).

SAFETY of self and others is paramount. Know that if the counsellor has concerns over their safety this will be communicated to the right people after consultation with the client. If you have real concerns about the safety of your loved one then have a plan or at least a contact. This would be knowing the contact number for the crisis teams specific to the age of the client, so in New Zealand it would be either the adult or adolescent team and the respective after hours process. Of course there is always 111 or the emergency service number of your country.

KNOW counselling and what it is and isn’t. Do your homework. I’m finding increasingly that this is becoming the case, and when folk first call me they have already checked my website out, read a few posts and really had a think about making sure they get the right fit for them or their loved one. This is just my point, being a part of such an important decision is incredibly powerful for all parties. The first session is reasonably stock standard in terms of contracting and getting a feel for the space and what counselling is and/or isn’t. This is usually a good conversation to have for those connecting with a counsellor for the first time, especially before moving on to the next point.

OPEN and honest conversations. Have a chat and agree what, when and how conversations will be approached post session or as it goes on. Do I ask questions and how do I approach them? That is best figured out between you, up front and honestly. People do all sorts and I’m fortunate in where my office is located, lots of café’s, restaurants and beaches. One example is a couple who meet up after one of our sessions (I will have seen one of them). The kids are with a child minder and they go for a meal. The first 10 mins is reconnect time, 20 mins is a bit of counselling reflection time and then they are pretty strict about the rest of the time being non-counselling related and them time. An example from a teenage client involved a toy. Children and teenagers are more than capable of expressing how they feel, if anything they can teach us a thing or too. What is sometimes a challenge is how to initiate it. Well, when they wanted to talk about something important the toy that was kept on a shelf would be turned around as a sign for their parent. Once spotted the parent would always say the same thing, “I spotted Bert, how about smoothie in 30”. The point is make a plan for what this period of time (whilst having counselling) may look and sound like for your family.

Be OKAY with the not knowing. If your partner will only give you ‘ít’s alright aye’ and then moves on with their day, then take a breath and respect their choice and let it go. One strong response could be ‘fair enough, know I ask because I care about you, but if and when you do want to talk about stuff, just let me know and we’ll do just that’. Trust the process and trust your partner or family member.

Remember it’s not PERSONAL. Counselling should never be gossiping and an opportunity to have a real moan about your partner, family member or boss, it simply doesn’t go like that. Counselling will largely centre around whoever is in the room itself, not talking about folk that aren’t.

Ease up on yourself. It can be a heck of a rollercoaster and pretty draining being immersed in your partners reflections and ongoing processing. So, look after yourself too. Keep connecting with those you want to spend time with and doing those things that you love to do. Protect times where the deep and meaningfuls are off-limits.Only last night I was walking with my family on the beach, when I started talking about some work I needed to do the following day. My wife calmly turned to me and just said, “Be present” with a smile. First time I have had one of my own blog posts used to bump me back on point. it’s okay, if not essential that you can just say ‘not now’.

Reflective Listening. Post a session there is usually a fair bit of momentum still going on and words and language used may be a bit different from what you are used to hearing. Reflective listening does two things affirms your partner that they have been heard, but also invites them to expand further if they want and feel able. Using the same words simply reflect it back. I intentionally left the question marks off the response, you simply reflect what they may have said and if they expand further, then great, if they don’t then that’s okay too. Phil Dunphy from the Modern Family gives it a go.

Lastly, say what you see and hear. If you notice positive changes, no matter how small, let them know. We all need to hear at times that we are on track, and it also just as good for you to catch the good stuff and how it makes you feel.

These are just a few points to think about, if you can think of any more then let me know, even if they won’t work in an acronym :-).

Hope its helpful and at the very least prompts thought and discussion.

If you have read my post on ‘Passion Pushing or Sharing the Goodness’ then you already have a fair idea about what I’m like when it comes to sport and competition. I was recently part of a workshop talking about resilience in children, and it recalled the old matter I had about personality types, namely the Myers-Briggs personality model.

My son is a big unit for his age, the size that many folk presume equates to a child a couple of years older than he is. This then is sometimes followed by the comment that he’ll make a heck of an All Black. This is somewhat of a contradiction to reality. This has nothing to do with his physical attributes but elements of his personality that makes me prouder than if he were to be an All Black. We join other families on a Saturday morning at Rugby Tots. He is pretty sharp off the mark, outstanding at zig zagging and takes great delight in watching me race off after his ball once he’s kicked it the length of the room. The personality I am referring to is best illustrated in how he plays the games they guide us through. Cowboys and Indians to start with, this is a gauntlet style activity where the cowboys race through a channel whilst the Indians are kicking foam balls at the them. Last one standing wins. My boy waits until the others have past before he kicks the ball safely out of harms way. The best example is tag rugby. He won’t take the tags off the other boys. When I asked him why, he whispered into my ear that it is snatching. Every week this happens with the strongest example being the Saturday just gone. Two boys face off with about 10 yards between them. When the whistle goes they have to sprint to the ball and the first one that dives on it wins. After 3 attempts my son would stop short of the ball until the other boy had caught up and dived on the ball. The fourth time I had encouraged him to get the ball highlighting it was part of the game and okay. This time he raced down and secured the ball and proudly brought it back to me. The other boy was beside himself and being consoled by his mum and one of the coaches. My son then turned around, jogged to the other side of the room and handed the ball to the upset young man. Every part of me a proud dad. I would suggest my son is very much a Golden Retriever. I am only too aware having seen lots of interactions with other children, that as parents we need to be mindful of the implications of being a retriever and how this informs elements of our parenting.

That is the very point of these personality type examples. To encourage us as parents to simply observe, listen and explore our young ones as best we can. Developing an awareness of our childs needs through celebrating strengths and acknowledging areas that would benefit from monitoring and developing.

Have a look at these and just explore, even if you think it doesn’t fit your young one then have some fun defining your own animal, car, plant… whatever.

Otter

Imaginative, easily distracted, creative, dramatic, ideas, spontaneous, entertainers… these are often the children with ‘imaginary friends’ or who you see in the Spiderman outfit! Putting them in ‘time out’ often not effective as they really don’t care that much. Reward them with fun and praise them for originality.

Beaver

Practical, punctual, precise. A fan of rules, lists and step-by-step instructions. Likes structure and to get things right the first time. Children will often play ‘real’ games like shop, restaurant… and aim to draw pictures realistically rather than imaginatively.

Lion

Direct and competitive, strong-willed, assertive. Likes to be treated as an equal, they don’t like authority. Yelling and putting them in ‘time out’ won’t work. You need to stay calm, involve them in decision-making and give them some responsibility.

Retriever

Caring, affectionate and empathetic. Likes to keep everyone happy (sometimes at the expense of themselves), likes to follow the rules and be ‘good’, needs praise and encouragement and to feel special. Can be loyal to a fault. Just the mention of being put in ‘time out’ will often result in good behaviour as they don’t like to be separated from the group or to be ‘bad’.

So, which one is your young one, better still which one might you be and how can this inform how you parent?

Does counselling work? Well, only if there is a client in the room, otherwise its just an awkward silence between me, myself and I.

Engaging with a client is one thing, nurturing and maintaining a therapeutic connection is where the ‘good stuff’ happens. So, it’s agreed, good counselling does work when the client turns up and better still comes back.

This wee post is about points of initial connection (PIC’s). It is not a trick or mind play, for me its simply a reflection of the details I consider to make the space and time as comfortable for the client as possible. My intention and hope is that they quickly shift from going to see the Counsellor, towards the realisation that they are in fact catching up with Tony.

Now, here is a picture of my office and you’ll notice a few bits and pieces from the Phrenology head to a picture of my son. With a quite intentional variety in between they will quite often acknowledge the thing that connects with them. These can offer a quick conversation where we both get to cautiously , yet confidently find the point of resonance where everybody is relaxed and ready to go.

Anyway, I do digress a bit. If you look again at the picture above you’ll see something that draws attention from every adolescent (and most adults) that step into my room. That is the Star Wars Force Trainer on my bookshelf. The idea of this device is you put a small headset on that measures brain waves (i’m not so sure about this, as I rather think it goes off your pulse), but the outcome is the same. The harder you concentrate, the stronger the fan and therefore the higher the ball floats within the tube. Not to mention you get Yoda in the background cheering you on. As with anything like this, it had to be imported as NZ haven’t quite accessed this field yet. It has been an incredible hit!

I have many examples of how this toy has proven invaluable in supporting positive change for some of my young clients. For example one 7 year old came to see me with a report of significant behaviour issues, both at home and school. He was very much on his last warning after no real change post a couple of Ed Psych visits. This young man was oozing character, personality and a heap of energy, which I could see wouldn’t make for Mr Popular with his teachers or peers. We had talked-and performed- the relationship between thoughts, feelings and behaviours (CBT). There was a deep narrative behind the status quo. The ‘Yoda’ machine, which he called it, made an appearance to highlight how the relationship between the thoughts and behaviours could be seen tangibly. With ongoing exploration of the feelings, we could monitor and celebrate progress. Now, it is a toy, a great one, but a toy none the less. So was it monitoring progress, not so much, but it was serving as a powerful anchor to maintain momentum with everything else we discussed. 8 Months on he continues to be a popular member of the class and has a better relationship with his teacher. Even if the only thing it could have offered was a genuine understanding of the interrelation between thoughts, feelings and behaviours, then i’ll take it. Better still, he had fun and therefore talked….alot.

It appears particularly powerful with students presenting with significant anger. Again, it offers a tangible rationale for ‘whats the point?’ but equally an absolute focus and calmness that brings them absolutely into the space we are in, and therefore in a better state to explore the ‘anger iceberg’.

Is it a gimmick? not for me, and certainly not for my clients. It is another example of how technology can be used to facilitate the counselling process with young ones. As with everything in a counsellors toolkit, you introduce and offer it if and when appropriate and purposeful to the session.

Whether its Dr. Google, Social Media, something else or a combination of them all, a growing challenge has emerged. The challenge is the ease in which curiosity can become fact. Quite often a label (diagnosis) is imposed by others who really have no place to deliver such judgement or diagnosis. I’m increasingly seeing young adults in particular, enter the room with impressive confidence, and having barely sat down, will state ‘ I have clinical depression and if I could crack on with the first of 6 CBT sessions that would be marvelous’. This has quite an impact coming from young ones as young as 11.

When this is delivered by a health professional a label can take on so much more traction. A recent example I know of was a young man who presented to a GP with a headache. They then conducted a HEADSS assessment (Home, Education, Activities, Drugs, Suicidality and Sex). They then conducted a GAD 7 diagnostic tool for anxiety. The result was then relayed to the teenager that they had Anxiety. The next day after a sleepless night he had 3 panic attacks, couldn’t cope with school and the family had already made an appointment with the mental health team for his anxiety. This young man had taken absolute ownership of the diagnosis, as had the family, due to it coming from a health professional. These symptoms and issues had seemingly appeared overnight causing a significant barrier in his life, both at school and home. The facts and reality were quite different. He did present with a headache. He had stayed up all of the previous night to start and complete an assignment that had been set some time ago and was now due. He was simply tired and stressed, both normal and short-term responses.

What prompted me to put ‘pen to paper’ on this topic was a student that presented to me recently and for the first time. This young woman had been managing her bipolar for the last 5 years. This was confirmed on the young woman’s school medical records as well as known and being managed by her parents. The young woman who was sat in front of me was not like any client I have seen previously with diagnosed bipolar. After exploring the bipolar it was the specificity of the time line that quickly directed our conversation. The response was quite staggering. 5 years earlier she was sat in class doing her work as usual. She was then continuously distracted by a peer who continued to take her pencil, tap it on his desk over and over before throwing it on the ground. She would then pick it up and place it on her desk, where shortly after he would continue with his routine. The young woman had by this point had enough, and snapped at the young man to ‘stop it’. His response, ‘stop being so bipolar’. And that was it. It was later confirmed with her parents that they had never sought medical advice or challenged the young girls ownership of the label. There had been no symptoms or concerns of any nature before this point. She had carried this label which had continued to limit the incredible potential this young woman had. It didn’t take long before she made significant gains through an initial approach combining narrative therapy with a strong thread of strengths based exploration.Now, it is not the label that is the issue. Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar, ADHD and lots of other acronyms all exist, are very real and can all be addressed. It is being aware of who and where the label is coming from and whether they are equipped and able to deliver such a diagnosis. As a parent, be aware of a false diagnosis, and question and demand the right person with the right answers. It’s not to say they are wrong, you just deserve more than an educated guess.

Everybody’s experience is completely unique and one word doesn’t and won’t do justice to your own needs and reflections. The more authentic and original your discussion, the more productive and effective the time and therefore outcome.

Unpack the experience towards a way though, reclaiming power and control from the label back to the person, you. Just have a quick go at saying the below and take the time to reflect on how you feel for each, and then decide for yourself which platform you want to work from.

This is a short intro into what I am up to in counsellor land. I have often felt that professionals in the field of mental health in NZ are a private pedigree and less than confident or willing to share ideas. I say ideas not best practice because its okay to have ideas, give them a go and embrace if they work and file away if not. Not to mention what works for one person may not work for another. I hope to share my experience and feedback of incorporating technology into my practice in the hope it raises questions, which can only be a good thing.

Firstly why? why not just do what I do and sit back on the masses of evidence that tells folk it works and makes a difference (counselling that is). Also, technology costs money and I want to reduce overheads for maximum profit margin. As the head of a large counselling department we can barely buy refill let alone a VR headset. I will certainly in future posts on this topic return to addressing and discussing challenges such as these.

Why? I want to access and engage with clients that wouldn’t ordinarily access counselling. I want to make it more interesting and challenging for my client and yes for me too. I want to fill my tool box with as many strategies and resources as possible that can support me in my work and my clients in their process. Technology is here and now and I would like my work as a counsellor to keep up with the needs, expectations and opportunities that come with innovation. Most importantly I want to continue to ask questions of myself and how I work so I continue to evolve, whether this means technology is a welcome addition, or whether it is an unhelpful gimmick. I want to make that decision from the coal face rather than being directed by those that may have their own agenda or insecurities about such change or ideas.

To begin with I’d like to introduce:

Virtual Reality (Samsung VR Gear $199 NZD)

This device works with a Samsung S6 upwards and I use it with my S7. You upload the Oculus app via the app store and once done you connect your phone behind the front protective fascia and adjust so its nice and tight to your head. It takes only a few minutes to get used to it and how you select something from the menu, focus, volume and the ‘go back’ button. Pretty straight forward.

Context: I have used these in two roles. In my private practice with adults around social anxiety, anger and stress. Also in my role as a school counsellor (Age group 11-18 years). You will certainly see students requesting appointments that you may not have previously seen.

How do I use it?

Mindfulness. There are a couple of free apps that are ‘OK’, but the graphics aren’t as good as they could or should be. What you can do is take your pulse pre and post session to monitor its effectiveness using the phone as a senser. I have found it works and my clients, adults, adolescents and children love it.

Apps: Both would get a 7/10, however the future scenes for Guided Meditation VR would take it to an 8/10 and make it the better of the two.

Anxiety. There are again a few apps for public speaking, fear of flying etc. Really not many right now but they are coming through quite quickly. The main distinction is previously VR has meant a programmed virtual reality, so quite grainy computer generated simulation. The cameras now however mean the content is using real images and footage and in HD. This is far better. Again, I have used it for students with a fear of public speaking at my school. I simply recorded our hall with no spectators, 10 spectators, 20 and then 35. Time was limited and students so I plan to sepnd a bit of time on this concept building towards a full assembly. This is great for both students and staff. I turn the sound down and through desensitization we gradually build the scene up with the student reading their presentation. Again we look at anchors in the room and capture the sensations of a successful delivery.

Sports Counselling. Visualisation can be anchored in real-time and specific to the individual and their sport and needs. For example in Rugby, a kicker would be recorded completing a successful kick. This recording is then utilised to replay and rehearse the conditions and enable you both to explore anchors whether on the field, physically or verbally. This principle is used in most golf shops nowadays to improve your swing without having to wade through rivers or apologise to the next green to retrieve your ball.

How do I intend to use it?

Behaviour Modification. I hope to simply record scenarios that cover the gambit of student challenges. Conflict resolution and bullying for example. Recording scenarios that we can use to explore the A B C’s of behaviours and also the opportunity to apply what we discuss in a safe but realistic environment -role play.

I hope to utilise a specific camera to increase the quality and availability of footage and content that is specific to my client base, community and presenting issues, so NZ rather than courtesy of The States. The fly 360 (below) seems like the best ‘normal folk’ or no commercial grade device retailing at about $950 NZD. However there are others in your local store such as the Samsung Gear 360 ($650 NZD). However, if you want to keep it even more low-budget then use your 360 option on most of the newer phones.

It’s very new and specific reviews of apps and uses will grow in time through future blogs. Early signs are extremely positive, my clients love it and it can really fit in nicely as part of a wider session making a great additional resource to work with clients.

Prevalence of mental health problems continues to be a challenge, often beyond the capacity to keep up, especially for most school counsellors. What if, rather than a mental health epidemic we are in the thick of a cultural crisis for adolescents. The challenge being, as adults and professionals, many are blindingly fast to formulate an assessment and diagnosis. Folk aren’t so open to closing the text books and inquiring further into the why’s as it looks and sounds on the ground.

For each of us, the incredible uniqueness brings a collage of opinions and philosophies on the how’s, when’s and what’s of just about anything. The moment a penny dropped for me was after speaking to a male teenage client of mine. As part of my thesis I conducted a interview reflecting on a programme I had created targeting the reduction of adolescent depression. The quantitative data made for comfort reading as it affirmed, with bells and whistles, the efficacy of the programme I had developed.The qualitative side of things presented a real headache to start off with, and the participants clearly didn’t get the memo. What I had was three different, tried and tested measures for depression symptomatology showing clear improvements pre and post intervention. The participants I had in front of me mirrored through both sight and sound the positive changes the data suggested. It was the absolute commitment to being depressed that rang confusingly loud and clear. No better example was that offered by the client I mentioned. Without skipping a beat he reflected that he ‘did better than he wanted to’. Thank heavens it was a multi tasking head space day, as this statement has stayed with me ever since.

After five years and thousands of adolescent clients later my observations and experiences have continued to build around this topic, as both a an issue around barriers to engaging, but primarily around how to both identify risk and support positive change and increase resiliency to prevent escalating challenges in the first place.

Apart from societies eagerness to have a label and the discussion around increased diagnosis vs increase actual growth, I believe we are in the middle of a cultural shift where adolescents are connecting through disconnection. This is nothing new if you consider drugs, alcohol and gangs etc. but technology and social media is new (ish) and it’s impact-or exploration of- is a work in progress.

This topic is too huge to discuss fully within a couple of hundred words and a funky picture. One example of what this looks like is when I reflect on the substantial increase in students that confidently march into my office, outlining with immense energy their newly diagnosed Depression, Anxiety and ADHD, and then ordering the first of six CBT interventions, before looking at me expectantly and my return look of surprise.

We are now seeing social groups developing from the common grounding of having an emotional difficulty, so connecting through disconnection. Social media offers extensive input into what this may look and sound like, and all too often to excess.

When adolescents are embarking on the confusing journey that is identity formation, I feel it is really important to support and introduce as many positive connections as possible, otherwise they will find connections elsewhere, and in this technological age, that tends not to end so well.

This observation refers to an emerging adolescent culture, and certainly not a universal broad brush of all adolescents that visit a Counsellor, Psychologist or Psychotherapist. What it perhaps highlights is the real need for caution in terms of knee jerk diagnosis, to ensure professionals don’t create the very problem we strive to overcome.