On Collecting Tiny Physical Replicas of Former Lovers

Is a doll collection constructed around failed romantic pursuits right for you?

This is a question I have a lot experience with and which I’ve asked myself ritualistically throughout the years. I know the answer, of course—any sane person would know the answer: it depends. Allow me to go over the different factors you should consider before making this important decision.

Do you have an appropriate display case?

1. To an extent this is based on personal taste. It also depends on what quality of doll you’re looking for. For instance, if you want rare but incredibly cheap, a scrapbook for paper dolls would be an example of a low investment with some possibility of a high return.

2. Remember that you need to spend money to make yourself feel better. Don’t cut corners. And don’t forget to mount the case with heavy-duty hooks designed for the appropriate weight.

Will your friends understand?

3. Are you willing to hide your collection if a friend who poses a threat to it invites himself over unexpectedly?

4. Are you sure you have the right friends anyway? Beware of cheerful people: they will pollute your pure mind with their distorted view of reality.

These are just some of the many questions you need to ask yourself before you begin your doll collection. Don’t make too much of this list—I almost always consider it a wise decision to go with your instincts and get a doll collection. Not only will the collection offer you the rare opportunity to see tiny physical replicas of the people who have wrongfully broken your heart all lined up in a row behind glass in your apartment, but it also allows you complete and total control over their existence in an entirely legal way. The joy that could have come from the dream-like relationship you once envisioned with so-and-so, but never experienced because they were blind and selfish and completely sick PALES in comparison to the joy that you will experience playing with your dolls. Trust me. In addition to making you feel better, this collection will likely make others feel better as well. You will no longer have to treat strangers the way you wish you had treated Him or Her. Imagine: no more screaming fits. You’ll be able to go forth into the world, while all your skeletons remain at home, out of the closet, dressed in realistic doll-sized clothing, and human color-treated hair for authenticity. Watch as your exes battle it out for survival in an arena of your own design. Instead of a victim you are a Dark Lord who can serve justice with an iron fist or simmering skillet. And when they’re good, what will you do then? Is it time to reward your village, or teach them what it feels like to NEVER BE GOODENOUGH?

Or, you know, whatever you want to do with them. It’s up to you. Just throwing a few random ideas out there. Good Luck!