& if you won't save me, please don't waste my time...

not the listening (Reply)

My cousin, who came out specifically to help my dad while he'd going through radiation, threw a little brat fit this past week and ended up having to be flown home for the weekend to spend time with his mother. He basically bitched to her about having to work and spilled the SINGLE thing I told him in confidence (that I don't go to my parents' house because of my mother, which isn't news, but way to go, cousin.) and of course my aunt called my mother and ranted this all to her. For a few days we were rather sure he wasn't going to come back, but I guess he is. Reason #40000 that I steer the fuck clear of family in general.

Dad has only been doing radiation for seven days and there are already sores opening in his throat, and the medication meant to help him feel better has been making him throw up, according to my mother.

She started talking about the stupid feeding tube again, and I just hung up, because she knows thinking about it upsets me, and her describing it in graphic detail upsets me, and the last thing I need right now is more anxiety attacks and crying at work.

My manager, who has only been at the store for a week, wrote me up (put an official disciplinary write-up on my file) for not selling enough/making draw. Nobody else in the store has ever heard of that happening.

I didn't get the job I applied for in service experience.

I keep having disturbing dreams about my animals being hurt or other awful, random things. It's making it hard to sleep, and it's pushing me back to the way I was until a few weeks ago, where I couldn't get out of bed for hours in the mornings, just laying here staring at nothing.

Trying to get commissions for this con next weekend done. Bills are paid, so that's. something. Paid for this con a while ago, and it's local, and it will be a pretty carefree weekend with people who care about me (with two notable exceptions that nobody else likes right now because of the way they treated me), and for three days I can forget about work and cancer and all the shit that isn't going right, and just... be happy, and in a moment, with my friends.

Too much to ask for, selfish, irresponsible, whatever. I know. Ingrateful bitch at con when dad has cancer.

The dermatologist says the hair is trying to grow back where it fell out. I don't see much progress. It's more visible when I try to cover it with my bangs now, not sure why, and that doesn't help my self-esteem very much.

Got someone signed up for the store credit card at work. Got $5. Used it to buy someone a paid account in my newest game, because it's been a long time since I've done that and I want to start doing it again. Randomizing journal lists and all the rest.

Today, in a notable turn of events, I discovered the desire to be happy. Not much of one, but something that wasn't... hopelessness. It keeps going between the two, though. Wanting to fix whatever is wrong with my head, thinking about what would happen if I just turned the car into oncoming traffic, imagining stabbing a knife through my arm a few times.

Nobody would be able to feed my cats, though. Not much of a giant, inspiring reason to not act on the feeling that I don't want to exist, but a reason. It's not like I have a plan, or the drive to do it. But if it came down to wasting away, sitting and wasting without deliberate and violent effort, then I think I would.

Maybe things will somehow change tomorrow. I dunno.

My toe is just... hurting today, all day. And it's too cold to sleep in here. So I will turn the ac off, and try to ignore my foot, and get some sleep before I have to go open in the morning.