Forgiving My Father

There is no deeper wound than abandonment by a parent. After 10 years, I wanted to heal.

by Anonymous

Every year on July 22, I celebrate my birthday. I might get together with friends, or perhaps go away on vacation. There's only one thing I know for sure. On July 22, I plan to call my father so he can wish me a happy birthday. My dad knows it's my birthday, and I know he wants to talk to me, but he is unable to call.

Growing up, I went to a private school on scholarship. Most of the other kids' parents were successful in business, and could afford the tuition. My mom was a housewife, and my dad a carpenter -- when he went to work. There were many times my father was out of work, putting an even bigger financial strain on the family. Not only did we not have money, but we were also trying to "keep up with the Schwartzes." It was hard to understand what was going on in my father's life, and why he was unable to provide the life we wanted. The life I felt I deserved. I was angry and upset with my father for not properly providing for us. I blamed him personally.

As a child, I didn't know why my dad was in and out of the house, and at times he was out of work and just "not around." I know my family was trying to protect my innocence by not explaining things to me, but by not being told what was happening, I could not understand the situation. In the absence of any information, I just thought the man didn't care. Little did I know that he cared very much and simply was unable to do any more than what he did.

Maybe I am unworthy of being loved?

By the time I was old enough to comprehend the truth of the situation, I had convinced myself that my father was a terrible man who didn't love me, didn't care about me, didn't want to be a part of my life. And I thought to myself, perhaps this was because I was un-lovable? I thought, maybe I am unworthy of being loved or cared for?

I looked at the man who "made me feel this way" and blamed him for everything.

My mom and dad divorced, and as a pre-teen, I moved in with my grandmother and cut all ties with my father.

Letting Go

As I grew up, I began taking classes and reading books about self-improvement and self-empowerment. A recurring theme seemed to emerge: Fix the relationship with your father.

I was stuck in the "daddy doesn't love me" syndrome, which affected my everyday life, and all of my relationships. I knew the answer was to get over the past, and go see my father.

One of the hardest things in life is change. To be where I am is a lot easier than to implement a big change. It's just easier to go on with the hurt and pain with which I am already familiar and accustomed. To change means hard work. It means getting past the past. It may be over, but in my mind it still is very much there. To go see my father and let go of the anger and hurt was a big step. Perhaps I could just go on and forget about it.

After a slew of failed relationships, I realized I was unable to have a healthy relationship without it, and I decided to make that big step.

It wasn't easy to even find my father after all those years. I almost gave up, as the search proved to be an additional difficulty in this already pain-staking process. It would have been so easy to just stop, and go back to life as it was. But I knew I would never be able to truly go forward and let go of the past, without healing this wound.

New Light

After almost 10 years of no contact whatsoever, I went to see my father. On the way there, I envisioned the fight we would have. Perhaps I would put the blame in words, to finally express how I felt all those years. Maybe he'd have things to say to me as well. I might leave in a huff and never go back. In my mind, the possibilities were endless. And none of them were all too pleasant.

As I entered the house where my dad lives, I got the answer to a lot of my questions. My father lives in a nursing home, for the mentally ill.

He shuffled toward me and gave me a weak hug. Then we sat and talked. It was a simple conversation, no more than the level of a small child. But my healing was in that meeting.

There was no fight, no blame, no hurt. Just two people, who have love to give and desperately would like to have it reciprocated, both open to the possibility of having a new relationship.

Those years of blame, hurt and pain… all for nothing.

All those years of blame, hurt and pain! They were all for nothing. I had brought upon myself feelings of resentment toward my father, and feelings of insecurity within myself. If I had only been willing to open my eyes and see what was really happening, I could have spared myself years of hurt and pain. There is no deeper wound than the abandonment by a parent. But I was not abandoned. If anyone did the abandoning, it was me.

I now saw my dad in a whole new light. A man who gave me life, and then tried to cope as best as he could. And maybe life would have been better if I had been able to support him through his illness.

My dad was sick. And though it would be egotistical of me to think I had the right to be angry in the first place, I forgave him. I let go of the past, and recognized that it was what it was, and there is no way I can change that now. All I can do is make a new start for myself in this moment, with a pure forgiveness, from the heart, for any old "hurts."

I knew I had made mistakes as well. Perhaps all these years would have been different, if I had seen the whole picture long ago. If I had accepted my father for who he was, and who he wasn't. If I was able to look past my selfishness and realize that in a family, it's not just the parents who provide for the children, it's a team effort. I apologized to my father, and he forgave me with pleasure.

And I realized that this might even be harder than forgiving him. I began the road to forgiving myself. Realizing that the only way to make up for all those lost years is to do what's right in this moment, and avail myself to the relationship I never let us have.

Choose Life

In the Bedtime Shema prayers, there is a beautiful passage about forgiveness: "Master of the universe, I hereby forgive anyone who angered or antagonized me... whether he did so accidentally, willfully, carelessly or purposely."

There is an incredible power in forgiveness. I discovered that my forgiveness toward my father was an amazing opportunity for me to open myself to the possibility of meaningful relationships in my life. Without this, I was stuck on a merry-go-round of blame and anger.

With the power of forgiveness, anything is possible.

But with the power of forgiveness, anything is possible.

Shortly after I re-opened my relationship with my father, my life dramatically improved. My relationships were on a deeper level, and they took on more meaning. I was able to relate to people with a basis of trust and openness.

The commandment to "honor your father and mother" always had seemed to me like a one-sided deal. But now I am able to experience the benefits of this crucial part of my life. By deciding to accept my father for who he is, and who he isn't, I am able to accept others, including myself.

Now, I call my father on a regular basis, and visit him quite often. I take him on walks and sometimes we go out for dinner. I check on him to make sure he is getting along with his roommate, and that the nurses at his home are taking good care of him. God has given me a special challenge, and I am up for it. I choose my life exactly as it is. I choose my dad exactly as he is. And every day is a new opportunity to make choices in life. Today, I choose to utilize the power of forgiveness.

As I walked away from writing this article, I wondered how to end it. I flipped on the radio, and this song was playing my barest thoughts:

"I don't wanna be angry no more. It's just another heartache on my list. I don't wanna be lonely anymore."

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 125

(108)
Tee,
July 27, 2016 9:17 AM

Thank you

This is a beautiful article. I had a fight with my dad a few days ago about his not taking care of my brother and I through college. He did not even help with our feeding for the past 6 years.Lately, my emotions have been unstable, hence the fight.
Reading this article has brought me so much healing. I realise noone is perfect and I have decided to forgive him and let it go. Thank you once again. I'm ever grateful.

(107)
Anonymous,
June 16, 2014 5:50 AM

Others let you down

If someone had explained your father's illness, all that misery could have been avoided. The other adults in your life let you down.

(106)
Valerie Dorsky,
June 15, 2014 9:22 PM

Thank you for your story

I could relate to much of your confusion and heartache about your father. Recently a friend with similar issues started reading a book "Guilt is the teacher; Love is the lesson. Based on her amazing ability to forgive I odered the book too. I haven't received it yet but I am expecting it to make my life different,and easier. Resentments consume so much energy that would be better invested in other ways. For me the reason I have clung to resentments about my family is because I felt it would be the same as abandoning myself, somehow saying I was not worth treating fairly but alas, that was just an ego ploy that kept me stuck for years. I hear somewhere that we spend part of our life learning what we want and part of our life learning what we don't want. We don't get to skip the second part. It is easier to forgive when our lives are filled with merciful people who know how to forgive. I feel blessed in that regard. Good luck. PS you might want to google the word pyroluia and do some reading. It affects one out of ten people but is overlooked in medical school. It may explain a lot. Nutritionists have studied it a lot. Take care. Valerie

(105)
Anonymous,
June 15, 2014 1:58 PM

Remember that you're still just figuring it out

It's wonderful that you've figured out this piece of your life. You need, however, to get a little bit outside of, or over yourself. "There is no deeper wound than the abandonment by a parent." I have no doubt that your experience of "abandonment" by your father is the deepest wound that you can imagine. That doesn't make it the deepest possible wound in the world. There are, no doubt, many who have suffered wounds they would consider far deeper, far more soul-searing than abandonment. They may wish they had suffered "merely" abandonment. But the crux of the matter is, comparing pain is never useful, and by claiming your pain as more intense, more tragic than someone else's, you negate every other person's experience, no matter how significant their suffering. That is the essence of egocentrism. If you hadn't claimed your pain as somehow more "legitimate" than that of other people, the whole essay would have had more credibility - at least to me.

Anonymous,
June 15, 2014 8:05 PM

No Greater Wound.....

She needs to talk to a parent who has lost a child.

Anonymous,
July 27, 2016 9:07 AM

Stop the negativity.

This is just one small aspect of a lovely article that has already begun bringing healing to me. She is right: abandonment by a parent is the deepest emotional pain IMHO.

(104)
Lisa,
June 15, 2014 1:50 PM

Very powerful!

You could not have understood all that you do now when you were 10.But how lucky you are now to accept things as they are & letting go of The Blame & The Anger!! Those are toxic emotions that can chip away at us till there is nothing left!! Yasher Koach to you!

(103)
QAIS,
June 5, 2014 5:44 AM

Thanks for posting your story

You have made my life better
Now I see the big picture
Thank you ♡

(102)
Healing,
December 2, 2013 6:28 PM

II believe it is good fr you to let go of the hurt by assisting others with love as best you can. Get up go and do positive things bringing healing to your life. Forgiving helps to heal the pain and deep wound. Keeping it inside digs whole deeper. Begin to close the wound with forgiveness and healing.

(101)
Anonymous,
May 24, 2013 6:15 AM

I have forgiven....

I was in a situation that my dad was in and out of my life because of alcohol and drugs. I thought many times that there was something that I could have done to change him but there wasn't. I felt alone because he was missing in my life and many times mad, I was a kid that just wanted that love and attention. But I am no longer upset, I have forgiven him and I am at peace. I know that he has always loved me but his addiction did not allow him to accept his responsibility of being a parent, i knew if he was there he would have been a great father since I hear so much about how people loved him! But now he has passed away and I know that he is now in peace. Love you Dad! The little time we had together will always be cherished :0)

(100)
John,
April 4, 2013 9:24 PM

I wish I haven't met you

My father left me and my mother when I was 1 years old. He was gone haven't heard a word or where about him. At the time my mother was too young to take care of me, and my grand mother raised me. From no where when I turn 16 I had a phone call and saying that he is my father. I was excited too meet him, it took us 2 more years to meet him for the first time. It was the most emotional moment of my life. Little I knew about him, afte spending a couple of month my dad stops talking to me for no reason. I do not know what I have done to him, and whenever I tried to talk to him, he will ignore me or walk out off the house. All suddenly we don't talk, we don't say hi, we become completely strangers. From there I start to feel depressed, and sadden that I wish I didn't meet him, or seen him. Now I am 25 years old, I have a girl friend, probably getting married soon, sometimes I felt ashemd to tell my girl friend about my father, it is just sad and depressing, and I wish I would know what I have done to him to ignore me like this. I am his only son, and I do not want anything from him except, just to be my father. :(

(99)
Anonymous,
February 12, 2013 1:59 PM

When I first read this article, I thought It's very similar to my situation. My father split with my mom when I was 2, and ever since I only met him very few times in my life. I'm 19 now and I can't help thinking of the last time I saw him 2 years ago when I went on vacation to his place. Memories of that event will never leave my mind. I found out my dad is a drug addict, and I spent my 'holidays' 2 months to help him in a clinic, even though this wasn't fertile, while he didn't want to help himself as the doctors said . My father has a lot of money and he never ever helped me or my mother financially, because he prefered to spend them on drugs. I tried to help him even though he never helped me, he never cared. Only thing he did was blaming my mom for everything, lying and trying to brainwash me when i was younger. Right now I study, and I can barely afford a living cause my mom's salary is very little for both of us and I work myself, and my dad still doesn't want to help. What hurts the most is that it's his choice not to help me. He's not mentally ill, I wish he couldn't help me, but he can. He just doesn't want to help his child. I can't be in a relationship for a long time because there's something missing inside me and I don't want to make anyone feel the way I do,
I am sad and I can't hide it, I doIn't want to see people or go outside. I have anger issues ever since I was 13 and many fights with my mother which I now regret. I only wish I could erase the past and let go of the pain, be balanced and stop having these emotional breakouts. I wish I could go out in public, with friends around me and be a happy person.

jasmine,
May 15, 2013 12:34 AM

Hi

Im so sorry for that you are the he is sick a person that uses drugs most of them would never get out of that just by the grace of God You know why you have to forgive so you can move on and can have healthy relationships with others Ask God to help you forgive him that's what you can do And just try to find people that you can relate with God bless

(98)
nemanja,
February 10, 2013 1:08 AM

At first i was really touched by this article.
And in many occasions thought it is was answer to my personal problem with my father. But, now, when i look back, i realize there is one crucial mistake in this article.
You have already gave enough to this person. You gave him your youth. I dont believe that helping him will make you feel better. Its just your guilt talking from your. Help yourself. Actually i think it is not the relation with you father that improved your life, it is the relation with your self that improved your life.
Personally, coming from a similar, but less drastic situation, i have developed a sense of guilt. And all my relationships with other people, friends, girlfriends have put me in a situation where i was playing the role of the dad.
My sense of guilt, was sometimes so strong, and still is from time to time, that it changes my personality. I have gone through years of sweating, low self esteem, depression, anxiety, and self neglect all because the of sense of guilt.
And today i realize, i owe myself, to live MY LIFE.
My dad was abandoned by his father and mother, and my whole life i lived with a sense of guilt. First, thinking i was unworthy, and then thinking i was selfish because i had needs as i child.
But now, i realize, it was nothing of that. I was child, in need of attention and love. So, i hereby renounce my guilt. I hereby declare my love towards my self. And forgive myself. I apologize to MYSELF.

Kelren,
May 11, 2013 4:24 AM

Nemanja, you are further in your journey than the author who wrote this article. I will not share my story here because it is much more severe, but sometimes you have to cut your losses with your father and realize that you have to live for you and that his approval does nothing more to strengthen your self worth than watching a romantic movie does to help your love life. It's simply not apples to apples and if your father is a toxic person in your life sometimes you need to cut him out. It may be gradual and it may be painful but I never looked back once I realized my father would never change.

(97)
Anonymous,
January 28, 2013 9:34 AM

It's impossible for me to forgive or love him even

I wish this article could help me, but I really just can't seem to forgive my Dad. He never wanted me from the beginning, but stuck around anyways just to rub it in my face that he'd always love my brother and sister more than me. He ignored me my entire life while living in the same house as me and lavishing attention upon my siblings. You know what that does to a 16 year old, let alone a 2 year old wondering why her Daddy won't play with her too? Not to mention I constantly had family members making comments and jokes about his behavior towards me... my life always felt like one big joke and game to everyone. It's not always easy to feel worthy of love when you were raised the opposite.
Now my father tries to touch me, be affectionate and tells me he loves me. I hate myself even more for giving in to it, especially since my responses are always empty. I feel hollow inside around him and as if I could care less whether he drops off the earth or not. I wish this article had helped a little, but now I feel even more damaged and beyond help...

(96)
Anonymous,
November 7, 2012 6:29 AM

Thank you so much for your article.

(95)
keegan,
September 19, 2012 8:22 PM

my dad let me down

Ever since I was a kid my dad has all ways let me down has has also chose his wife over me.his wife hated me because she wanted him to her self. I am only 13. My dad has broke up with her now and he wants 2 see me wat should I do?

Jewish Mom,
September 23, 2012 11:14 PM

Get together with him!

If he doesn't abuse you physically or emotionally and want to bond with you - go for it! There is nothing deeper than family bonds. Blood really does run thicker than water. Sometimes there is sour blood and one must let go, but most often, it is an irreplaceable part of ourselves and does us much good when we bond.

Britt,
December 21, 2012 10:11 PM

You have the right to be angry when your parent does not live up to their responsibilities. Its good, however, that you realized it was time to forgive him for his past indiscretions.

(94)
aung,
August 30, 2012 3:29 AM

My dad doesn`t care sometimes.and sometime he said like he went to died.I was 12 my dad went to go another country to stay. that mean he wasn`t care about our family.

(93)
Anonymous,
July 8, 2012 5:26 AM

my father has never been in my life and it hurts everyday but i think I'll be ok if i just let go and let god have it..i too have always just wanted to be daddy's little girl but have never got the chance

(92)
LC,
July 2, 2012 7:58 AM

Ty for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It's nice to know that I'm not alone. I've also struggled to forgive my father. I thought I have, but memories creep in & he does things to show me he hasnt changed that I regress back to anger. My story is so similar to the comment above me in that my dad cheated in my mom, & acts like he did nothing wrong. I was a daddy's girl too:( this must be God's challenge for me.

(91)
Anonymous,
June 29, 2012 3:44 AM

Forgive & Forget?

Thank you for your words. I´ve had an on & off relationship with my father for over 10 years now, i´m getting married in 6 months & I still don´t know if he´ll be walking me down the aisle :( . I want him too, but I recently saw him & he seemed uninterested in my whole wedding, It´s such a special ocassion that I really don´t want him to mess it up by being or not being there & I feel he should be asking me about the wedding. I shall try to put in practice what you´ve wrote about accepting my father for who he is & what he´s not. Thank you.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am in the same situation and I'm 19 years old. I'm starting my life out of school and I am having trouble with believing in myself over my father he left me too. He moved back to my city 2 years ago and has never tried to contact me. I have been trying to get the courage to go talk to him. My fiance believes that I should and it would be best. Reading your story gives me courage to go and talk to him. Thank you so much! This changed my life

(88)
Anonymous,
May 15, 2012 4:02 AM

My father was mentally ill

My father was mentally ill. He gave me up for adoption when I was seven. Had many lovers who were materialistic women. When he asked me to help him with his open heart surgery, I dropped everything. He must have been sick in the head as he said his dog was his daughter. I have never heard from him again. He has hurt me my entire life. He
Never knew his daughter or his grandchildren or his great grandchildren. He was a horrible man.

(87)
Anonymous,
May 2, 2012 9:23 PM

nmcanady@hotmail.com

Thank you! I've had an on again off agin relationship with my father that I thought was healed and all positive a few years back. Things have shifted recently I have been angry and anxious again feeling abandoned and like "little girl lost" again. "Little girl lost" is the name I've given the child in me that felt abandoned by my dad. After struggling for a while, I decided to talk this out with him and the opportunity is finally coming this weekend. Right now I'm in a Starbucks taking some breaths trying to find the words and focus on the desired outcome of the conversation. I simply googled "forgive father" to set the tone. After reading your article I not only feel empowered to have the conversation but encouraged that all will be alright. He did the best he could then and now.

(86)
Anonymous,
April 23, 2012 2:50 AM

I am blessed with your write ups us i searched for reasons and ways to keep my relationship with dad. I am a daddy's girl who adored my father very much. But not until i learned that he's having an affair. I wanted to understand him but i dont want to tolerate him. It's so painful to deal & i don't even know the first correct step to deal with it.

(85)
i miss him,
April 12, 2012 6:19 AM

when i was born i didnt see my dad untill i was 10 i asked where hed been my whole life no reply and now im 14 and my familys deadthey died 2 years ago in a boat wreck i couldnt forgive him and now i wish i could of said i love you to him

(84)
Gilbert,
April 6, 2012 7:49 AM

Your Story was of great help to me

Am going pains and hurt caused by my Dad. Am in my private seeking God when I googled forgiven your dad and I saw this tnx a lot cos now I understand more

(83)
Taylor's Mom,
November 26, 2011 4:17 PM

Thank you for your story

I am the mother of a beautiful little girl whose father is mentally ill. Although he's functioning and self-sufficient, you can tell after a while, that he does have missing cognitive function. The things he does and says just don't make sense and are unrealistic. With that said, he calls to speak to and see my daughter about once or twice a year and I dread having her develop a relationship with him as I know he won't be able to be a consistent father due to his mental illness. For the almost 3 years she's been on this earth, I've tried to figure out how I was going to protect her from the pain of her father not being there for her. I've never denied him seeing her; she was so young, it didn't matter. But now she's almost 3, developing memories and her deep relationships. I'm scared to death now to let him see her. I said all that to say that your article has let me see that my daughter will have to sort out the feelings of her absent dad by herself. I can't protect her from feeling the feelings of an absent parent. But I can guide her and support her in managing those feelings. Its so hard because I want to protect her, but I can't really help that part. And at the same time, it wouldn't be right for me to deny her a relationship with her father. I cried as I read your article because now I see that I have to just let go and allow her to develop the relationship and deal with the feelings later. After all, I'm going to raise her to deal with her feelings in a healthy way. I can't control everything, but those for the things I can control, I'll deal with in the best way to help my daughter. Thank you for writing this; it's made a change in my life and my daughter's! God bless you.

(82)
B O'Dar,
October 12, 2011 12:38 PM

I love my Dad despite all that he put me through

this article is so touching. my story has much in common with yours. despite all, i love him and when i ask myself why?! i find no reasons except that i'm sure of what i feel towards him.
thank you for sharing such story :)

(81)
Anonymous,
September 18, 2011 11:38 AM

This was to close to home. My birthday is July 27. My father has not made an effort to see me since I was 9 yrs old. that has been 39 yrs. Forgiving him is something I have struggled with all my life. I went an visited him in my early 20's after my 1st child was born. Only for him to tell me he never wanted to see either of us again. Breaks my heart every time I pass him on the street or in a store and he shuns me. As I get older, I realized that I need to forgive him and pray that God forgives him for turning his back on his only child. How God has worked to have me stumble upon this, as I set here feeling a little sad about him missing another birthday.Along with my mother missing it again also. So I will take this moment and thank God for my wonderful husband who has never forgotten my birthday and has stood by me when I have not been so kind or deserving, but angry and unworthy. So God please forgive my parents and help me to forgive them, lift this burden of anger. Thank you for sharing and helping me see that I need to forgive.

Anonymous,
January 17, 2012 2:06 PM

Hard to forgive him....

I am still trying to forgive my father. He sold me a failing business (did not give it to me) hidden behind "cooked books". When it did finally fail - he blamed me for all the failures. He has told my brother that I make him physically sick. I try to forgive, however, it seems that every 6-12 month he will do something to re-open the would so it's difficult to heal. I just wish he would forget about me all together. If he decided not be a parent to his only daughter - then stop being a parent and stop all contact. Don't keep ripping the stitches out of the wound so it cannot heal!

Ben,
February 12, 2012 4:12 PM

In the same boat....

I can relate to your comment. I have had a very strained relationship with my father my entire life. He's a complete narcissist who has always put everyone else ahead of his children but then expects us to kiss his ass. Everytime I think that maybe he's making progress and changing he does something that shows me that he's still the same selfish person and will never change. So many times I've considered cutting all ties with him, but it's hard. He's a master at manipulation and guilt.. He's not in very good health anymore so at this point I honestly feel like I'm just tolerating him until it's over.

(80)
Anonymous,
September 18, 2011 11:37 AM

If we can understand-realize how much Our Creator- Father has Forgiven us, and Believe that He Has & Will,( we have to Ask ) this just starts up an Internal process within us and A Void is Filling. Then we are able to Give more Freely. Hope this may help.........

(79)
Anonymous,
September 18, 2011 11:37 AM

How does one forgive?

I go back and forth in accepting and getting angry at what my father did to our family. He's been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. In my country of origin, it's a "shame" if you institutionalize a family member, so my family still has to endure my sick father. I went away, so I'm given the guilt trip for not "caring" for him. This upsets me very much. I don't know what to do.

(78)
Anonymous,
September 18, 2011 11:36 AM

I am so glad that you found healing with your father. Reading this article made me cry. I wonder how many times we let our assumptions hurt us?

(77)
Anonymous,
September 18, 2011 11:36 AM

Forgiving oneself and others

Dear Anonymous, My mother is mentally ill, like the father in the story, except she was very abusive to me. It has taken me many years to forgive myself for things I've done in my life, things that were my way of crying out for help in response to being treated the way she treated me. In our relationship today, she will never be able to acknowledge her mistreatment of her daughter, but I have come to (finally) accept her the way she is, because of God's commandment. She will never ask me for forgiveness, because in her mind she hasn't done anything that needs to be forgiven. Once I realized that, I was finally able to forgive myself by doing everything possible by trying to be a better person. I hope once you are able to forgive the person who hurt you, you are able to move forward. Good luck to you.

(76)
Anonymous,
September 18, 2011 11:36 AM

WHEN YOU FORGIVE, WEATHER IT IS ASKED FOR or NOT OUR CREATOR FORGIVES US!!! FORGIVING ONE SELF BY KNOWING OUR MISTAKE,MAKING SOMETHING WRONG RIGHT IF POSSIBLE AND KNOW YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT PATH.SOME TIMES PEOPLE MAKE BIG MISTAKES AND DON'T REALIZE THE HARM THEY HAVE DONE.YOU HAVE TO FIND LOVE WITH IN YOU,THE LOVE OF OUR CREATOR, HIS LIGHT BRIGHT WITH IN YOU AND YOU WILL FORGIVE YOURSELF AND THOSE WHO HURT YOU. MAY OUR CREATOR BLESS YOU AND GUIDE YOU ALWAYS.

(75)
Anonymous,
September 18, 2011 11:35 AM

How does one forgive oneself? How does one forgive others who don't ask for forgiveness and have hurt me very, very much.

(74)
yvonne goodwin,
June 19, 2011 3:59 PM

wow what a lesson.

this story about forgiving touched me so deep forgiving is a healing experiance for all concerned.

(73)
lindsay,
June 19, 2011 1:46 AM

How lucky you are that you had a chance to repair that relationship. I had not spoken to my father in 13 years, I knew he had a mental illness but he would not admit it and would not get help for it, i distanced myself from him because i could just not deal with it anymore, 3 weeks ago my dad took his own life. I have not seen or spoken to him in 13 years, about 2 months ago he reached out to me through other people about meeting my son and i just hadn't made up my mind yet if i was comfortable with that or not-one of the biggest regrets i will probably have in life.

(72)
Anonymous,
June 15, 2011 8:35 AM

salinaseve@gmail.com

Jgarbar you sound very angry. Ayelet's father was in and out of the house because of mental illness, not necessarily that his mother put him out or wanted it that way. Perhaps there was shame involved and that is why this young boy was kept in the dark about it. I commend you ayelet for the courage that this healing act took. You are truly blessed.

(71)
Karen,
June 14, 2011 10:19 PM

disclosure

I'm wondering why his mom, grandmother, or some family member never told him about his dad's mental illness?

(70)
sarla,
June 13, 2011 6:26 PM

iron chains can never break ; likewise blood-relationcan't break

Time is a great healer, things are decided in due course of time. One should have patience, things will move in the right direction. Have trust & Faith in almighty!

(69)
Nancy,
June 13, 2011 1:19 PM

Thank you

This article is a blessing for me to heal. I too have fought this same battle over and over in my mind. Today I pray, and let go. I have found that god is my father, my mother and my best friend. Without this I would not have made it. Thank you for opening my eyes that my father will never be the man I thought he could be in my small child eyes. And to know this is okay.

(68)
suzzanne nemick,
June 13, 2011 2:27 AM

I need to digest this....

(67)
jgarbuz,
June 13, 2011 2:17 AM

Want to know what happened to your father? ASK YOUR

MOTHER, and demand SHE tell you the truth, for a change! In most cases, if a man leaves, it's because MOM wanted it that way!

(66)
Anonymous,
June 13, 2011 12:59 AM

Forgiving your father for abandonment

I read your article and devoured each word. But, my story goes back almost 50 years, when I was a teen-ager. My holocaust surviving father left my mother and his 4 children ~ I am the oldest, and have 3 younger brothers.
In the early 60s, there was no way even the authorities could trace my father's whereabouts - and they tried. I too was on tuition scholarship - the only girl in my class, or perhaps my school with such a situation.
I knew from age 7 that my father could not hold down a job and had difficulty to support us. My parents fought incessantly, and he was violent towards all of us, even to a baby who cried. He was also a philanderer. I did not know anything about adultery as a child but I knew when i saw a strange woman in my father's car when i was in 2nd grade and my mother was hospitalized after surgery, that 'something was wrong.'
Although their marriage was always on the rocks, and he left for short periods - weeks, sometimes months at a time, always to return - when he left before my 16th birthday, I was relieved.
But, he never returned - and my youngest brother never really knew my father and suffered most of all. ZTo this day, we have no idea if he is alive (he'd be 89) and if he passed, where he is buried. My mother died an agunah 11 years ago - a chained woman who could never remarry.
Yes, I have 'let go' of most of the pain I suffered growing up and even in my adult years, raising my own family. No grandfather for my 4 kids and a sad and miserable grandmother with anger and resentment that was very visible. But, we all understood and accepted her.
Relationship problems? Sure, I had bad modeling, but I was and am determined not to live a life like my parents did. I still long for the father I never had, for a happy childhood with smiles and hugs and kisses, but I could only do one thing. I forgave (but not forgot) and gave my kids the most love and affection and attention possible - not to repeat my father's actions. I forgave my father!

(65)
Bernard Yablin,
June 12, 2011 9:14 PM

Separation

Two situations may happen after divorce--- either the child is forced to take sides with the mother or if the mom remarrIes,the new husband may refuse contact with the biologic father unless required by the courts system

Anonymous,
June 14, 2011 1:52 AM

child of divorce

My first husband and my second husband were best friends since high school. After the divorce and re-mararrige they remaind friends, even to the point of considering all children (I had a third child by my second husband) as "theirs". What a wonderful relationship!

(64)
eliyahu,
June 12, 2011 7:07 PM

My Dad

This article opened my eyes to the fact that my Dad is mentally ill. Since I don't know this for a fact, it is so hard to forgive him. All of my emotional issues stem from the way he raised me and my siblings are a lot worse off. I wish he would die. I hope that when I am married with children he wont be able to corrupt them like he did to us. The man just wont get help; he is just in complete denial that anything is wrong with his majesty. I wish that our loving father in heaven will remove my false father from this world!

Anonymous,
June 16, 2011 3:17 AM

grow up and stop blaming

I have great pity on the circumstances you were forced to grow up in. Your job, however, isn't to get Dad to get help for mental issues. Your job is to become your own desirable father, as it were, and stop the blame. Don't stay stuck in anger. Hatzlacha Rabbo

(63)
elana,
June 12, 2011 6:56 PM

You have to be careful..

Just because a parent may be your biological parent, that doesn't mean that a person should continue to get hurt by him/her. I learned the same thing with relationships; yes, of course you should try, a couple of times even, to build a relationship you don't want to let go of (father, mother, even siblings or wife/husband), but you also must realize when your efforts will be futile and just MOVE ON. Do not harbor resentment...it just didn't work...but move on nevertheless. There are other relationships you can work on, concentrate on those.

(62)
Ingrid,
June 12, 2011 2:38 PM

CJ, You're Not Alone

Hi CJJensen,
I feel abandoned by my dad too. Same scene: 1970s "Me Me Me" parents, Dad love EVERYONE not blood related to him. He gives $$$, love, and attention to Losers, Strangers and/or The Desperate. But no attention to his children or grandchildren, who are doing OK, dare I say Great. All of these sketchy people would come into his life and literally steal his attention away from his family. I am totally alienated.
To answer your question, I dutifully call and visit him to "honor thy fater and mother" commandment. That's All I Can Do. Maybe, in their own twisted way, our fathers DO love us. Maybe they ARE mentally ill. Narcissism and Bi-Polar come to mind. Clearly there is Brain Washing or a Personality Disorder going on.
Mystically, I keep telling myself that all the atoms in his body are the same as all the atoms in my body. We are the same. Aren't we all the same? All was well, All is well, All will be well.
Buddhist thought (Non-Attachment) has helped me tremendously.

(61)
m awrey,
May 28, 2011 1:18 PM

im not alone!!!

(60)
shelby hays,
April 18, 2011 2:25 PM

"Dad"

well i thought i could turst him and everytime i call him he never answers i dont know what to do i thought he loved me but i dont know what to do anymore i love him but he makes me so mad because he just left me here without knowing anything to know that he even cared about me but it looks like he dont love or care about me so i guess i have to let him go but its hard plz help me .

Nancy,
June 13, 2011 1:26 PM

This is not about you.

Please realize Shelby that your dad is the one with the problem. He is the one that loses out on seeing you grow and flourish. We are born to love our dads no matter what. Put your faith in god and all will be well in your life. Keep yourself healthy and quit trying to go to your dad because you will keep getting the same results. Find a good male model role. Maybe your Rabbi to talk to or an uncle. Most of all, god listens to all of us and he is always here for you. Give your pain and burden over to him and he will heal you. God Bless You.......

(59)
shelby hays,
April 15, 2011 4:45 PM

my dad

my dad has drop me off at m grandmas houes and then left me and now he dont want anything to do with me any more i need help how do i get to the point to ware i forgive him for living me when im so mad at him what do i do .

Anonymous,
August 14, 2011 8:26 AM

Shelby, Of course you feel hurt and angry

Shelby, of course you feel hurt and angry. We all want our Dads to be strong and healthy and able to love us and take care of us. Itt sounds like your Dad can't do that right now. As others have said, he's the one who has a problem. You deserve to have better, and yet it doesn't sound possible for the time being. If you have a good relationship with your grandma or some other relative or with a teacher, tell them how you feel. Keep trying until you find someone who understands. Many good wishes to you.

(58)
mark,
November 30, 2010 7:17 AM

thanks

I sit here with tears running down my cheeks as I finish reading Ayelet's experience "Forgiving my father." Two days ago I finally forgave my father, and I feel the power. I am 54, pretty old to finally wake up. All those years of failed relationships, all those years of carrying around hostility and anger that I could never put my finger on.
I choose everything in my life; I choose to feel the way I do. I choose to feel victimized and I choose to take it all personally. And,after years of therapy, I realized that I can now choose to let go. It sounds so simple, but simple is very difficult.
My prayers for all those who are also on the journey to freedom. Peace

Anonymous,
June 13, 2011 1:30 PM

Thank you

Thank you Mark for sharing your thoughts. I feel the same way with the failed relationships. I too am hurt from not having the father I wanted. The tears came too and thank you for being so honest in your comment. Maybe there is hope for us yet. Be the person you wanted your dad to be. Full of LOVE.....

(57)
CJJensen,
November 24, 2010 6:13 AM

I can relate to all of you and I need some help

I was born a mistake, my parents were young (Father 23/Mother 17) and were from families that at one time were very prominent therefore they were raised proper and instilled this in me sternly while I was growing up. I am an only child, my parents divorced when I was young due to my Father's selfishness and constant adulterous ways, at the age of 8 I moved with my mother 120 miles away from the only place I knew as home and then at the age of 12 I moved back to my small hometown and lived with my father who was in the bar/rest. bus. in a big way and this was in the mid 70's so I'll let your mind do the imagining and even though I had almost anything I could wish for the only thing I did not get was a relationship with my father....he was never crude, crass or violent but this man was/is selfish with all his blood relatives for some reason, "greatest guy in the world, just as long as you were not related to him", my father was/is a very charismatic and very charming individual to all he encounters except to the ones that really count, his own blood relatives. He takes for granted his relationships with his brothers as well with me which I have moslty tolerated until lately..... the problem I have of late is his gold digging G-friend has turned him away even from me even more for some reason and while I have always waited like a puppy for some sort of affection/attention from him I recently feel like something has snapped after my last very valid reason for being upset (the G-Friend held a 70th B-day party for him and I wasn't invited) with her and now I find just I no longer want to even deal with my father, I feel like something happend... I just quit caring, sort of like how one feels when THEY end a bad relationship and I feel like I am the one leaving......my question is....is it normal to "quit" a parent like this, to just stop have feeling anymore.... is it normal to feel this way......am I wrong....Feedback will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Annie,
June 12, 2011 8:56 PM

Very natural, but please forgive him

Oh, my friend, this could be me writing not long ago.
I won't go into details, but I didn't see my father from the time my parents divorced, despite attempts, so I DO know how you feel. Well, I can imagine.
My mother & I drifted apart, but thank God we were making contact before she died.
Please accept that you cannot change him, and you can only change your own attitude-easy to say, I know, but it can be done. As for the gold-digger; a dear, elderly friend fell foul of one of these & has stupidly married her. She has undermined all his other relationships & virtually isolated him. If this happens here, he may need you. I hope that our friend won't die alone except for the greedy hag who has preyed upon him for a roof over her head & his small bank balance, or that that your father's greedy hag will show her hand in time, before it's too late.
I do feel for you-this really hurts. But as I looked at my dead mother, I was so glad that we had made contact again & not been so proud & stubborn. But DON'T be made to say that it's all your fault. It isn't. Don't be blackmailed into accepting all the blame.

Anonymous,
June 12, 2011 9:00 PM

Me again

There's an expression ' Street angel, house devil' that applies to people like our fathers.
Don't close the door on him, but don't break your heart either. But if you forgive him, it will be good for YOU.

(56)
anon,
October 23, 2010 3:30 AM

Follow on to seeking reconciliation from the effects of divorce

Solving the effects of the divorce;
I want to fix this; I need REAL advice and a path to mend my existence. I don't want to be stuck and misdirected anymore due to the divorce having made me insecure.
If you have a real cure for my plight please share. You will have saved a life and I would honour it by growing and giving back to society from the day of being mended onwards.
Regards to you, readers.

(55)
anon,
October 23, 2010 3:25 AM

My father ruined my life

My parents divorced when i was 11. My dad had a 7 year affair and then the marriage ended, it confused me then and its effects still hit me now. From then until now, aged 24, I have had no self-esteem, I have this problem of only doing something efficiently if I know it will do one of two things. 1) It will definitely be a task or relationship which will end at a set time & day. 2) It will be a task that is included in something which I unconsciously view as lasting forever (e.g; I acted in a film with scripted dialogue and I was so real and believable that it was the best performance I had ever given for anything in my life).
I lived with my abusive manipulative mother from 11 to 20, and she publicly humiliated me on a regular basis during this time.
I am unable to be honest to myself and others about what I really want and what I don't want to do.
Since age 11, I have been an open book that has got trashed on a regular basis.
I lived with my dad from 20 to 23, he bullied me, rubbished my opinions and belittled me constantly throughout this time.
I was never able to confront him honestly about what he had done to me.
I have been a 'yes man' who has always verbally agreed to comply with people but then later left an arrangement. I have a fear of self worth and being true to myself.
It is only in the past 3 months, since moving out, that I have attempted to try to become a self-respecting individual, but development and trust in the unpredictable is still a nightmare.
I really do hate my father. Would confronting him with the truth really set me free to help me grow as a person and hold down a job and relationships? or would he just rubbish my statements and I just continue on as a lost miserable drifter through life?
I want to fix this. To give back, to be a real person. A true path to solve this would be saving a life.
Regards to you, readers.

Cg,
June 16, 2014 3:27 PM

Try ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) or CODA (Codependents Anonymous). Their literature and meeting are powerful and helpful. Also try Rabbi Glaser's The Possible You Seminar. It's awesome.Good luck!

(54)
Anonymous,
August 3, 2010 4:06 AM

Why should I feel differently now my father is dead?

My Father died on Sunday, he died alone in his house, the family home where i grew up. He was found after 2 days.
I am 23 now and my parents divorced 6 and a half years ago. My father was physically and mentally abusive to my mother, sister and me during our family life together.
My mother finally divorced him in 2004 - after a lengthy court battle she got her portion of all the assets.
During my teenage years i resented his behavior towards my mother - I could not comprehend why he did what he did. My mother forgave him on many occasions.
Coming from an indian background divorce is almost unheard of and most definitely taboo. After she began divorcing him, he slandered her name to everyone we knew, friends family work collegues. His family totally cut us off.
I was not ready to forgive him and saw no change in his behaviour and so in september of 2005 i decided not to see him again.
I now live abroad and I don't know if i should attend the funeral. We are certainly not welcome, i know i should be there to support my mother and sister as they stand to face a tough time with all of his family who probably will blame my mother for his death. Obsurd as that may sound.
I feel bad that he died alone, its my worst fear, being alone dying alone. But he drove us away, he really didn't give us a chance. We gave him many but each time the abuse got worse.
The option of me forgiving him is no longer - I only wish I could have offered my forgiveness, for his sake.

Anonymous,
June 16, 2014 3:28 PM

You can still forgive him. Even though you obviously can't have a relationship now, you can still forgive. Try to do this, it will help you a lot.

(53)
Laura,
July 29, 2010 5:47 PM

So Sad...

I don't think the hurt every leaves us...we have to find a way to make peace with the past. I am almost 53 and since my father died 2 yrs. ago, it has been even harder as I know that reconciliation for his hurt of me will never come between us now.
I forgive but the layers of pain are multiple and just as soon as I get one pulled back and tossed aside, another is there to begin work on. My heart goes out to all with parents who did not love them as they deserved to be loved. May God give us all serenity and peace.

(52)
Anonymous,
May 17, 2010 4:32 AM

My father is also a Narcissist who lied and manipulated me

My father is also a Narcissist who lied and manipulate me and used my college trust fund, which prevented me from going to college. I was not eligible for financial aid, and yet there was no more money of mine left for me to use. Now, I am 33 years old, and I am tired of being of a victim. I am very sad. Why didn't he think that I was worth more than that?

(51)
Dana,
April 15, 2010 7:21 PM

I am not looking to forgive him.

I am not looking to forgive my father. I am trying to forget him. He ruined my life by sujecting me to his abuse. What his did was criminal, and he should have went to jail. Forgiving him is unthinkable, I just want to forget about him. How do I do that. he is still a poison in my life and I just can't seem to let him go. he has ruined my self esteem, self worth and I have many trust and acceptance issues. I can't get over what he did to me. So, how do I forget about him? I wish he were never a part of my life, and I don't want him in my life at all. He tries, and I feel guilty and give in - WHY? He brings nothing good to my life at all and I really would like it if he just forgot I was alive. He makes me sick to think about him. I have come along way getting over whathe has done to me. I am ALMOST normal. Will I ever be normal? I try, but I cant seem to get over the thought of his actions. Someone please try to tell me how to forget him and MOVE ON. I am very hopeful and I know I can do it, but I just can't seem to just driop him and get on with a normal happ life. HOW??

(50)
Anonymous,
February 8, 2010 2:18 PM

My father has ruined my life.

I am about to turn 40. 25 years since I shared a house with my father. Still like yesterday it seems that he chased us with his own gun. He was a federal policeman. I can't remember a moment of the first 15 years of my life I didn't live in fear for either being hurt or watching my mother being abused and threatened.
Now as an adult. I look back on my relationships and see the effort I have made to make the men in my life love me. I not only have been put in a position of serious debt and risk, but also made to believe that I am second best and not good enough.
I am sure it's my own doing. I am sure it's because of what I have been taught. I know I am a really good person and certainly once upon a time a very beautiful woman.
Now I see someone tired and old. Childless... almost homeless and and incredibly vunerable. I am in serious debt after backing my last mans business dreams. Lost my home and am now at risk of going bankrupt. Once again abandoned... how do you keep going?
For me it's all about pride. I don't want my family to know the truth. I don't want my friends to think poorly of me. I have a small dog who I feel greets me happier than any of my family ever did.
Sometimes I think I would be better in jail or dead, but I have my little dog and I love my job. Financially I am still going backwards, but I am thinking bankrupt might not be the worst thing that happens. I need to get over the shame. Everything I did to get into debt was for love... I am on my own and I am aware that love was not returned and I was being used, but I can't see how mending fences with my abusive father would fix that.
I have asked family about if he has changed.... I hear no positive answer. He should have been jailed for his behaviour. Threatening to bury your family while in the middle of no where leads to a lasting memory in your kids minds...
Do you think I should forgive?

(49)
Beth,
December 24, 2009 4:56 AM

I wish that my story had this same happier ending. My father is a narsaccist. He has lied to me, manipulated me, disrespected me and stolen from me - peace of mind, self-respect and money. It is hard to know if he does what he does on purpose or because he doesn't know any better.
It is hard to forgive someone when it is difficult to understand their motivation for why they did what they did.
While I understand how great it would be for me to forgive him, I cannot emotionally get there or understand. I can see the personal benefits for me to forgive him and it seems like a good idea but everytime I think this through, my heart doesn't allow me to be forgiving.
Any ideas on how to prove to my heart that forgiveness is the answer would be much appreciated. The best I can do right now is focus on the future and all the positive things in my life and pretend that he and his problems and our falling out don't exist.

(48)
catherine,
June 2, 2009 11:07 AM

I FOUND THE FATHER THAT DENIED ME

MY FATHER NEVER TOLD ANY ONE HE WAS MY DAD.mY MOM ABANDONE ME ASWELL LEFT ME WITH HER PARENT.NEVER ALLED ME FOR MY BIRTH DAYS or ANY HOLIDAYS MY DAD NEVER ANYTHING.HE WANTS TO SEE ME IN JULY AND MY HEART SAY YES BUT MY MIND SAY NO.MY MOM IS AROUND BUT I JUST DONT FEEL FOR HER ITS HARD WHEN PEOPLE HURT CHILDREN AND EXPECT LOVE AND ATTENTION AS THEY GROW OLD.FORGIVE WITH UR HEART AND UR LIFE WILL BE PARADISE.I WILL FEEL LIKE THAT WHEN I SEE THEM BOTH AT THE SAME TIME IN THE SAME PLACE VONERABLE AND REPENTED OF THERE WRONG DOING IN THERE PASS NO QUESTIONS ASK IT WILL HAPPEN SOON WITH GODS HELP I WILL SEE THE WONDERFUL LIGHT OF PEACE IN MY HEART.

(47)
Anonymous,
May 26, 2008 8:04 PM

the same boat

it is a comfort to know that I''m not the only one in the boat - the boat of divorced parents, the boat of a parent who is mentally ill. Will I ever decide to meet this parent? Time will tell. In truth, the true comfort is in "ki avi v''imi azavuni - vaHaShem ya''asfaini." It is now almost three years since this article was published. When I saw the date of publication, it hit me, for it was at that point in time when I learned that I fit in the category of the above pasuk.
May HaShem comfort all of us, including the "orphans."

(46)
Toni,
July 5, 2007 9:04 PM

where was mother?

While this is a very poignant story and unfortunately one with which I can partly relate, what role did her mother play by not , especially as she was growing into a wondrrful woman, letting her know what the truth was? Surely Mom had to be aware of the anguish she was experiencing unless mother is deceased. Fedback please. I am convinced that parents do not realize how much of a child's happiness as adults is dependent upon what they see and hear from us while growing up and as "junior" adults.

(45)
Anne,
June 16, 2007 11:33 PM

Awakening

Thankyou to the author of this touching article. The realisation of my own shortcomings was suddenly realised upon reading this article. My father, too suffered mental illnesses and did many terrible things which I've never forgiven him for. Unfortunately, he passed away last year, which makes forgiving myself all the more difficult. Forgiving him, as you said, is much easier. Thankyou again for your article. May I be able to achieve inner peace one day, as you have.

(44)
Victoria Eichner,
June 14, 2007 8:33 PM

To forgive is divine

Was very touched by the writer's need to free himself of the anger that permeated his life and his salvation in "forgiving" his father.

(43)
julie sergel,
June 14, 2007 6:27 AM

same page!

I can't tell you how similar your experiences are to mine! Although my father has no diagnosed mental illness, he left my family and has a new one. This has been so hard and filled with lots of emotions--anger, sadness, but ultimately abandonment. With Father's Day soon approaching, I started writing a letter I will not send. But in it, I find peace where you also did--in seeing things as they are, not as we'd like, or hope, or even need them to be, but, as they are. When we accept that, I think everything else becomes way easier. I am thankful that you shared your story because it gives me hope that other relations in my life will open up as well! ( I was just writing about how, as women, our relations with G-d, fathers, and men are very much linked, or reflective.) How we relate to our father (and mother) seriously does have such an impact on every other relationship.Hey, on this Father's Day, I will no longer carry hurt. Instead, although we will never meet, I will think of you, " a sister" who knows the pain, and has chosen to turn it around. I will too! Blessings overtake you!!

(42)
Stefan Zakowski,
June 12, 2007 12:20 PM

FORGIVING

Wonderfull , i also need to forgive and ask forgiveness.

May God bless you richly which i know he already did.

Stefan

(41)
shani,
June 11, 2007 9:42 AM

impressive

Ayelet, this is true courage. I find you have touched me deeply and I thank you.

(40)
LEE GASPARRO,
June 10, 2007 11:04 PM

THOUGHTS ON MY FATHER...

I had to forgive my father and mother for not being able to show the love I needed when I was young. My father left when I was very young, and never looked back. Never paid support, never called or wrote or anything else. He re-married, and had a son. He never let my sister or I know that we had a brother. I just found that out afew years ago, via the internet. And when I realized that I had a brother I never knew, I had some real forgiving to do. Boy, was I angry. I cant begin to tell you. I am just glad that my father wasn't in our lives, because he would have made a bigger mess, than what we already had to deal with. My mother came from a disfuntional family, and she brought that into her parenting. I had to forgive her also. What has happened to me from all the crazyness that I had to live with all my young life, was that as I got older, I noticed that everytime I would have a fight with my mother, I wound up sick. When she would sleep over, I couldn't sleep. One thing after another, and before I knew it, I had what was called, post tramatic stress disorder. And all I could do, is learn to live in my own skin. And forgiving, was part of the healing for me. Holding them responcible for my health, was not going to help anything. So, here I am, 51 years old, and happily married, with one son, who I love very much. And I made a promise that when I would have a child, I would not bring into the next generation the disfunction that I had been raised with. My father and my mother were what I would call a non drinking alcoholic. Those that have grown up in that, will understand. But Thank God that my life, is what I have made of it. And I am extreamly grateful that I had the chance to made a change for the future. The future is what we make it, not what we were dealt when we were young. You can overcome, if you choose to make the changes nessesary. Dont bring into your life, what was brought into yours. May God Bless You.

(39)
Marianna Hoefle,
June 10, 2007 7:40 PM

This essay hit me. My father never loved me and I lived all my life with that profound, invisible, endless pain in my heart. I felt all my life incomplete. I used to see myself without one of my legs. Of course, I survived and lived my life, but oh, how much easier it would be if I would have my both legs!. I am 47 now and finally, I contacted my father. He still doesn't love me, but it doesn't hurt me anymore because he doesn't love himself either!. Maybe he wasn't loved when he was a boy, who knows. He can't give what he doesn't have. I forgave him at last, and I hope one day, he will be able to forgive himself too. His life is so sad, empty and lonely...!. Oh, and a new leg grew from my soul. It isn't like the other, is more like some branches, but that's fine. At least, I can walk straight now!. :)

(38)
Yonati,
June 10, 2007 7:37 PM

Great article!

Everything in this article rang true to me in my own relationship with my father. Finding out he was chemically imbalanced and working through understanding vs emotions of hurt... I would not trade fathers- my experiences with this have shaped part of who I am today, and it has equipped me for other difficult times in life. The forgiving of self has been a big thing too. I wasted too many years beating myself up because I thought I was unlovable.

Great article!

Yonati

(37)
Thea K Friedman,
June 10, 2007 6:04 PM

Growing up un loved and disfunctional

Why did she choose to live with her grandmother ? What hapened to her Mother, > This girl was left ( love abandoned/ Sad , amd most heartbreaking

(36)
Rox (goy),
June 10, 2007 5:20 PM

cannot identify either

I identify more wth a previous "anonymous" poster that I am glad things worked out for the author, though I cannot identify with them myself.

Some parents just do not care. There is no mental illness, they just simply do NOT care. That is all I can do to keep my sanity.

Why do some people who have the audacity to have children never get past the mental age of twelve??

I follow the instructions of the rabbis I have been given...to stay away as much as I can.

(35)
Suzanne,
June 10, 2007 1:05 PM

Ayelet - you're one of the best!

She is an amazing person, With the type of natural reserves others of us only dream of! Kol ha Kavod Ayelet - keep those articles coming

(34)
Anonymous,
June 10, 2007 10:07 AM

Reconnect with your Dad

This is one of most beautiful articles I have read. So many children and Dads become disconnected from each other. I have met so many adults who lost contact with their Dads when their parents divorced, it is hard to believe. I have met so many Dads who haven't seen their children in years. If you haven't seen your Dad in years, go see him. He's your Dad. You only get one and don't let anyone take him away from you.

(33)
Braha,
May 7, 2007 9:58 AM

Ayelet, You're A Hero

Ayelet,

I can really relate to the deep relief that comes from forgiving a mentally ill parent for not being able to fulfil their obligations towards you. The sense of lightness is so unique. And it's true; only by acknowledging and accepting in our hearts the limitations of those who hurt us can we acknowledge and accept our own limitations as we move slowly along the long road to our own fulfilled potential. The same patience, forgiveness, acceptance...call it what you will...we must have with them in order to experience peace is the emotional state we must maintain with our own fragile, limited selves in order to help ourselves grow and blossom without the poison of bitter, impatient self-critisism. I'm so proud of you for your achievements and grateful to have a sister in this journey towards a state of loving patience, forgiveness, and acceptance of humanity's limitations. Let's talk about this some time.

Love,

Braha

(32)
Dorothy S Stewart,
March 23, 2006 12:00 AM

Many thanks.

Loved the essay. One little note: (I am an editor and proofreader; someone missed pain-staking when proofing). It should be pains-taking. I lived for 33 years with an alcoholic, abusive husband before leaving him. He died not long after. Now I am struggling with guilt as well as with anger. I am trying to get past the anger in order to forgive. Perhaps he was mentally ill. Will pray about it.

(31)
Anonymous,
January 18, 2006 12:00 AM

Thank You

Yes, I, too, have dealt with a sea of hurt from my parents. Hurt that has at times overwhelmed me. Yet, when their hurting me has reached the peak, I am begining to come to a resolution. Every time my mother would hurt me, I would wonder, "how can a lady who gave birth to me want to hurt me so much?". I always knew the answer was that she was sick, but it that spoke to my intellect, and not my emotions. And I was left nursing my wounds. Recently, mother hurt me more than ever. But, I was able to see in front of my eyes how sick she is. It's true, no normal mother would do to a daughter what she's doing. And then it settled. She's not normal. She's a suffering sick lady. I was finally able to feel pity instead of anger. I felt able to rebuild myself without the shackles of anger restraining me. I turned into a winner instead of a loser. I feel empowered.

(30)
Devora,
December 18, 2005 12:00 AM

The power of forgiveness

Recently I to have discovered the power of forgiveness and the power of acceptance. I used to think that acceptance and resignation where 1 and the same and I have found out that they are very different. I am now able to handle a much better relationship with my mother, my sister and everyone else around me. I held onto anger for so long that I closed myself to the possibility of being loved by anyone including myself. When I accepted and forgave those that hurt me I was able to go on and accept and forgive myself and now I wish those people to find their path and pray that I will find mine and my bashert in the process. Forgiveness is very powerful and you never know how powerful until you utilize it's power in your own life. I commend your courage in writing this article and I only wish I had read it years ago.

(29)
Anonymous,
August 29, 2005 12:00 AM

How Forgiveness Can Heal Your Pain!!

A step towards healing, and a better future...When you forgive, you start to heal your own pain, and make YOUR LIFE better...Maybe becoming more Happy yourself...

(28)
Anonymous,
July 20, 2005 12:00 AM

I don't want to be lonely anymore either

Thank you for your honest and humble words. This courage to publish such a personal article is obviously touching many people and teaching them life lessons which they can all take home, regardless of their experiences. I happen to have a mentally ill mother, so can empthasize in that respect, but I have no idea what it is that you went through in your relationship. All I can say is you shine like the brightest star in the sky. Hashem should bless you to continue to shine in a tznua way until your besheret spots you, and makes a wish on you.

The both of you should build a beautiful house with tons of kinderlach who last longer than the celestial bodies!

Thank you for helping me tap into my pain and question my shleimus with my relationship with my mom.

I don't want to be lonely anymore. Now that I know you, I'm not.

(27)
Anonymous,
July 12, 2005 12:00 AM

let go

Thank God who gave you that corrage to forgive your dad, it is so dificult to forgive especially when you being hurt inside. wish I could have that courage

(26)
Derick,
July 4, 2005 12:00 AM

I just want to say I thought that that was a very moving story and touched me to the core of my heart. I am doing kaddish now for my father who passed on the 31/12/04 and I have not always got on with my father in my forty three years and the last words to me was to leave him alone to speak to my nephew s girlfriend he actualy said it much more harshly then I can write but he had a lung desease and was in a lot of discomfort as well we did not see eye to eye a lot and I think I was a big or even a great disappointment to him we moved to Capetown in South Africa and we were here two months when he died.I also have a great deal of anger towards him for a lot of things but now I need to forgive and move on your story made me close to tears and I can feel my forgivness close to becoming a healing and a realty.

(25)
Anonymous,
June 17, 2005 12:00 AM

I am A Father

After reading this story I was touched. I am recently divorced and I did not abandon my family rather things just didnt work out between my wife and I and part of the break up was due to a bit of mental illness on my part (depression, adult ADD) although the marrige is over I did however get help from an amazing doctor and some amazing medicines. I am now on good terms with my ex-wife, i see my two beautiful girls as much as i can and I try my hardest to never ever let them feel rejected. I will move forward and get remarried, I have a wonderful job and make good money, I have Hashem in my life and I have amazing friends who helped me and never threw me away (many others did) Understanding why parents break up is so important for children even at a young age, it shows them that even mommy and daddy are human and need help at times. Having as many meanigful relationships in ones life will only enhance life but at teh same time it will complicate it as well, relationships are not easy to maintain.

I applaude you on your courage and strength for approaching your father, I am sure you will never know the anquish and sleepless teary nights he has expierienced without you in his life. Often times men are looked at as deadbeat dads or abandoners, yet sometimes its simply the fact that the people around them never understood or realized a mental or emotional sickness that lay embedded deep in his heart. I know many men who go through similar situations and fail to come out of it in a positive light. Perhaps your story will help shed some light on the role of the man in a broken marriage to be a more positive one. Men are caring and loving individuals who in the fast paced world of today struggle hard to keep everything togeather. Its rough out there, especially keeping up with the shwartzes, and trust me its rampant in the frum communities, this alone can kill a man, i know of a place that if your not making at least 150k per year you will go out of your mind, because so much pressure is put on material items. Lets all wake up and see the light in our dark times and have rachmanus on the poor souls who struggle everyday with metal and emotional illness and that are tagged as freaks or useless people... guess what? They have neshamas too!

To all the dads out there, HAPPY FATHERS DAY!!!

(24)
David,
June 17, 2005 12:00 AM

Fathers

My dad was and remains my hero. Our relationship was great and there was never a moment when I didn't know that he loved me. He died suddenly a few weeks ago. For those of you who are having little "issues" with your fathers, all I can say is get over it, now. When he's gone, you're not getting him back.

(23)
Anonymous,
June 17, 2005 12:00 AM

Response to Line Fleischer

Your REAL parents are the ones who RAISED YOU. They are the ones that know all about your roots. They are the ones who put blood, sweat and tears into making you the incredible person you are today. You have to focus on what is important and that is...you have two loving parents who care so much about you. Your biological mother provided an egg...your adoptive parents provided love, support, caring, understanding, and a true family. I don't see any point in confronting you biological egg donor. Give up on the anger, hurt, and frustration and focus on the people who really love you and care about you.

(22)
Anonymous,
June 16, 2005 12:00 AM

i am in the same situation you were in. my dad has a mental illness and my parents divorced when i was young. but my mom was open with us about his illness and the way i see it is that somewhere along the line the dad has to take respnsibility. there are medications for these illnesses;its just about jacking up and taking them. everytime i see my father he is either healthy and acts relatively normal (when he takes his medication) or acts very strangely as befits his disease. but crunch time is when he takes his medication he has to convince himself that he is not cured. like a recovering addict; never cured, always calling themselves "recovering". because once you say "im cured", thats when you fall. so its all a matter of being honest with oneself, pulling up his socks and taking responsibility for his actions.
so if he is able to take responsibility for his actions, how can one forgive?

(21)
Line Fleischer,
June 16, 2005 12:00 AM

I can not forgive

I'm adopted and my biological parents never told me why they let me be adopted. I'm 40 years old now and my life has reach a point: how have I use my life and why is my life like it is today.
I'm full of anger, hurt and frustration.
Can anyone advice me how to confront again my biological mother ?
I have loving and caring adoptive parents but roots means a lot for you.

(20)
Anonymous,
June 16, 2005 12:00 AM

A Beautiful Life Lesson...

Ayelet,

I am so sorry you never knew about your father and were so down on yourself for feeling abandoned when it was no one's fault. I guess Hashem needed you to go through all of these emotions to be an even more sensitive person and to share your story with the world. Look how much more you cherish and embrace your ill father? To be honest, you are really lucky. Some of us have fathers that really have abandoned us and have no excuse. While sometimes I think how unfair it all is and how painful it was to have nobody to bring home my Father's Day school projects to (every Father's Day weekend I still have a knot in my stomach), I never stop thinking that Hashem made it this way for a reason. Anyway, I am glad your story had, in my book, a very happy ending. Keep on shining your sweet light. Love LL in NY.

(19)
Jaine Shwartz,
June 15, 2005 12:00 AM

This is a beautiful article.

This was a wounderful heartwarming article.

(18)
Anonymous,
June 15, 2005 12:00 AM

To Ayelet

Ayelet, I am very pleased that you were able to restore you relationship with you father. Don't let a day go by without telling him you love him. I know it can be akward at times, but you'll be glad you made the effort.

Happy Fathers Day to all the dads and sons reading this.

(17)
Anonymous,
June 14, 2005 12:00 AM

A different perspective on what Ayelet has to say

Ayelet,
I hear and appreciate your pain, which sounds out so powerfully in your article.
Maybe I can help you, and others in your position, with a few brief comments.
I am a person with mental illness, and so is my wife. About three years ago, we made an agonizing decision: consciously not to have children.
And while children are surely a blessing to their families and the world around them, I have learned from your article that just maybe, there are some times when it is best and wisest to refrain from bringing them into the world.
My wife and I dearly love children, and have a world of love to give them.
But bringing up strong children well requires staying on an even keel, it requires being good role models, a decent income, and good physical health on the parents' part.
Ayelet, the pain you felt from your father's absenteeism (when I am absent from others, it means I am just struggling to survive) wasn't right. It shouldn't have afflicted your young life. But being a father under the best of circumstances isn't easy. When one adds the burden of severe mental illness, it can literally be mission impossible.
I am glad you have found peace with your father. I hope and pray that those who love me and my wife can more easily breach the gulf that sometimes yawns between us. You know, Ayelet, with a little openness and communication on all sides, and lack of stigma, that gap between you two would never have opened in the first place.
Thanks again for your wonderful article.

(16)
Miryam,
June 14, 2005 12:00 AM

Beautiful Article

Ayelet,
This is a beautiful article. I too grew up with resentment towards my father, since he was not part of much of my life, he is not mentally ill (which I think is worse because there is no excuse for him not being there for me). Like you, as I grew up I have forgiven him and now that I am a parent of three beautiful children, I make sure I don't make the same mistakes my father did with me. That is what I learned from all my pain, letting go and don't do on to others what you'd not like them to do to you, especially your the people you love. Bless you Ayelet, the Almighty Has given you the gift of experiencing forgiveness.

(15)
Necha Golda Dubinsky,
June 14, 2005 12:00 AM

Ayelet, I am inspired by your honesty, your courage, and your self acceptance. You are such a shining example to try to emulate. I am sure you give The Almighty so much nachas.

(14)
Anonymous,
June 14, 2005 12:00 AM

Ayelet,
I admired the great amount of strength it took from you to overcome your feelings of hurt to forge a relationship with your father. Sometimes the easiest path is to remeber all the pain a family member might have caused us and to wallow in self pity. Yet, how much greater is it to forget and forgive, and to focus on the positive attributes of that person. Becasue of Hashem's grace you are in a position to give of your love to others. But that the fact that you utilize this ability is, like you said, your choice. I wish you the strength to pursue your chosen path to give of your love and concern to your father even if it seems that you receive so little in return. Thanks again for the inspirational work.

(13)
Sara Rigler,
June 13, 2005 12:00 AM

Very moving

I was very moved by this article, so full of lessons for all of us with the tendency to judge and blame. Kol Hakovod to you, Ayellet, for the courage to flip your life over. May the hole you made in all your recriminating emotions become the opening for your soul mate to walk through.

(12)
Anonymous,
June 13, 2005 12:00 AM

You are on an enviable path!

Avelet, it works the other way around, as you have found out. It has long been my belief that abandonment is the worst that we can experience in life. I saw it when I worked in a nursing home. I have experienced it with family members in the last few years. It is hard to rebuild the belief that we are lovable and deserving of love once more, even when we are sure that we try to be the best that we can be and are filled with love. You are my hero today. Thank you, and I do hope you find a wonderful companion with whom to walk through life!

(11)
Anonymous,
June 13, 2005 12:00 AM

don't be so hard on yourself

dear ayalet,
don't be so hard on yourself. you were just a kid and you had no idea your father was impaired. it would have saved you a lot of heartache if someone had explained it to you. my mother was mentally ill and i always knew (i could not live with her). fortunately i knew it was not her fault and not my fault and i tried to love her as she was. you should not feel guilty, you could not possibly have comprehended without adults' help. you see that when you could finally come to terms with it yourself, you did the right thing.

(10)
Anonymous,
June 13, 2005 12:00 AM

How do you know...

How do you know, Ayelet, that if even one moment of your past were changed, whether you would have become the person you are today: a wonderful, insightful, forgiving, faithful,loving and humbled daughter?

If you are not yet a parent, when you do become one, you will quickly learn that each generation has its challenges. If you are a parent, you must admit, you are always trying to do your best for your family, however imperfect that may be, by virtue of your love for them. Can you reasonably believe our parents did not have their "challenges" and did not try at least as hard for us, by virtue of their love? If we are all trying our best and it does not work out as "we" planned, then perhaps, we should allow that rather than "our will be done" it was the will of God.

You can't fix everything; and perhaps, you shouldn't try. The fact that our world is perfectly imperfect only serves to heighten our awareness that there is, at all times, a higher power in operation. Perhaps, instead, we should start by praying "Dear God be the conductor of our lives, place us on your side; and, help us to do your will always and everywhere."

It is a real shock and a humbling experience to realize that our parents are real human beings; and, in relationship to our own lives, where purer people that us. Perhaps instead of faultfinding, we should ardently pray "Dear God, help us to fully live the commandment to honor our father and our mother."

It has been written that Abraham was the tzaddik of his generation and by comparison, was more holy than Moses, of later generation; and that, Moses was the tzaddik of his generation, and by comparision, was more holy than Noah, of later generation; and that, Noah was the tzaddik of his generation, and was more holy than his contemporaries. If by natural progression, each generation is less holy than the prior, where do you think we place on the ladder of holiness so many thousands of generations later?
Perhaps, we should tremble and fear and walk the earth in silence and humility; and, not judge. Reason alone suggests to us we must be shameful examples of holiness by comparison to previous generations, including that of our parents. Perhaps, our job is work daily and diligently to lead ourselves and others in the ways of righteousness: To pray "Dear God, help us to be the holy people you intended us to be."

Does not God start right "in the beginning" tempering his judgment with mercy? Who are we to be any different than our Maker? What one of us would live if God conducted Creation with judgment alone?

Perhaps, given our extreme poverty of holiness, in comparision to previous generations, we should be silent and leave the judging, especially that of our parents, to God. Do you doubt that the judgment of God will suffice?

What really is observable here is that each new generation demonstrates a recognizable decrease in active humility, love and fear of God and an increase in selfishness.

Perhaps it will happen, when we near the end of "our" journey as parents, we will be granted "hindsight" vision of "our" performance as parents and will be blessed with true and complete contritness at having so harshly judged our own parents.

It is easiest to judge and hardest to take the time to find out the truth.

Perhaps, when granted with a full vision of our "failures" as parents, we will be prayerful for and receiving of our own children's forgiveness, mercy, compassion and love-those things of which God allows us to give of freely and generously; and grateful, that God granted us the opportunity, in their lifetime, to be forgiving, merciful, compassionate and loving children to our parents.

It is a blessing to us.

Perhaps also, it is therefore incumbent upon our generation and each successive generation to pray "Dear God, grant us good guidance on our path to righteousness, may the joy be ours and to you be the glory."

(9)
Anonymous,
June 13, 2005 12:00 AM

Beautiful story, doesn't apply to me.

This is a beautiful story of forgiveness and compassion, and I greatly respect Ayelet's honoring of her father. However, I must confess I read this article with the same hope I've held for all my life: that somehow, somewhere, there'd be the secret for having a relationship with my parents. Although I've forgiven them, they are still extremely abusive, destructive, and rejecting, and having them in my life is poison. Not all parents want to love their children. That's a painful fact.

(8)
Anonymous,
June 12, 2005 12:00 AM

One of the most powerful articles that I have ever read. Ayelet, I really admire your honesty, both with the reader and especially with yourself. Thank you. ds

(7)
Lisa,
June 12, 2005 12:00 AM

A Wonderful, honest & telling article

I have had "issues" with my father in the past for most (if not all) of my life. I am 33 years old with a 8 and a half month old baby boy. My first child. I feel this huge forgiveness towards my father at this point in my life. Everything this person says in this article (especially the last paragraphs), I can relate to and agree with. It is nice to know someone else out there has a similar situation and can verbalize it so well.

(6)
Anonymous,
June 12, 2005 12:00 AM

lovingly written

I enjoyed reading this very loving and thoughtful article. I also went on to learn more about the author and read more of her writings. She's very interesting. Her writing is succinct - very nicely crafted. I can't wait to read more from her.

(5)
Anonymous,
June 12, 2005 12:00 AM

Beautiful and moving!

Thank you for sharing this story. It was a big step in growing when I realized how my father did the best he could and was always there for me -- even when I had done something he had told me not to do and was in a mess as a result. He didn't say "I told you so." He just helped. It's easier to criticie our fathers, until we realize they are human and what a difficult job being a father is.

(4)
Anonymous,
June 12, 2005 12:00 AM

forgiveness needs two people to forgive and appologise

Coming from a home like this one, I have to say that you aceept and forgive the father and the father accepts and forgives you. I think what I have is worse. I have a father who does not accept the fact that I became religous. Because of that he did not come to the childrens bar mitzvahs or one kids wedding and feels that I am the wrong one. It takes both sides to forgive

(3)
Anonymous,
June 12, 2005 12:00 AM

Well Done!

You Did the right thing!!
hope your dad lives a long life...Amen!

(2)
Anonymous,
June 12, 2005 12:00 AM

Thanks for this article Ayelet

I'm deeply moved by this article and grateful to Ayelet for her story. I also grew up with my grandparents and was also abandoned by my dad. He abandoned his family for a different reason. I'm the eldest in the family and have two siblings. Ever since he left us I didn't bother to look for him but my siblings did. It was when I was in law school when he called me and talked to me for the first time. I also wonder whether he remembers our birthdays or ever loved us. I still ask the same question over and over again. Until now I haven't seen him. I really don't know what to feel but mostly there is hatred inside my heart. I don't understand why he has to go away etc. I told myself that I will not bother him unless he would really want to see me. I don't think I have to do the first move. I respect him because he is my father but I think he should be the first one to ask forgiveness. When I talked with him over the phone few years ago he didn't even say sorry for all he did. So, I can't forgive someone who is not sorry for the faults he did. I'm so grateful to Hashem because my siblings and myself is blessed with an intelligent, responsible and hard working mother. Hashem blessed us too with loving and caring grandparents. Even though we grew up without a father we had a wonderful life. Maybe in time I will let go of the hurt and pain. I pray that every abandoned child in the world will have a loving and caring guardians.

(1)
Belinda,
June 12, 2005 12:00 AM

thank you for this beautiful story. I too have to learn forgiveness and your story helped me so much..

I was born with a neuromuscular disease known as Spinal Muscular Atrophy and have been confined to a wheelchair my entire life. Unfortunately my sister and I were raised without any religious instruction or guidance. My father wasn't Jewish and although my mother is, she openly claims to be an atheist. The "good news" is that both my sister and myself - independent of each other and at different times in our lives - realized that we are Jewish and chose to live a Jewish life.

Because of my disability, I'm not always able to attend services on Shabbat, but I always light candles, pray from a Siddur and read the weekly Torah portion. I would like to know whether, considering my situation, if using a computer is allowed during the Sabbath? I found the complete Bible online and since my computer is voice-activated I don't have to struggle to turn pages or continuously ask for assistance.

Thank you to everyone at Aish.com for making it possible for myself and so many others to learn about being Jewish and grow in the most important part of our lives.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Thank you so much for your encouraging words and for sharing your inspiring story.

God gives each of us a set of challenges. To those more capable of conquering difficulties, He gave bigger challenges. A challenge from God is a sign that He cares about us and has confidence in our ability to become great.

It sounds like you're doing great!

As for using the computer on Shabbat, that is prohibited. A foundation of Judaism is that we need to respect God's wishes, even if we think that doing otherwise is "for a good reason." Consider this story:

A king calls in his trusted minister and says: "I have an important mission for you to perform. Go to the neighboring kingdom and meet in the palace with their leaders. But remember one thing - under no circumstances must you remove your shirt during this meeting. Now go and do as I say."

The minister sets off on his merry way and soon arrives at the neighboring kingdom. There he heads straight for the palace where he meets with the King. In the midst of their discussion, he sees some of the king's officers pointing and laughing at him.

"Why are you laughing?" asks the visiting minister.

"Because we've never seen someone with such a pronounced hunchback as yourself," they say.

"What are you talking about? I'm not a hunchback!"

"Of course you are!"

"No I'm not!"

"We'll bet you one million dollars that you are!"

"Fine - I'll gladly take your bet."

"Okay, so take off your shirt and prove it."

At which point the minister remembers the parting words of the king... "under no circumstances must you remove your shirt during the meeting." Yet, the minister reasons, a million dollars would certainly bring added wealth to the king's coffers. I know I'm not a hunchback, so I'll surely win the bet. Of course, under these circumstances the king would approve...

The minister removes his shirt and proudly displays his perfect posture. With pride in his achievement, he holds out his hand, into which is placed a check for one million dollars.

The minister can barely contain his excitement. He quickly ends the meeting and runs back to give the wonderful news to his king. "I earned you a million dollars!" exclaims the minister. "It was easy. I only had to remove my shirt to prove that I wasn't a hunchback."

"You did what?!" shouts the king. "But I told you specifically not to remove your shirt. I trusted that you'd follow instructions, and so I bet the other king $10 million dollars that he couldn't get you to remove your shirt!"

The Torah tells us "Do not add or subtract from the mitzvahs." (Deut. 4:2) Jewish law is a precise metaphysical science. Consider a great work of art. Would you consider adding a few notes to a Bach fugue, or some brushstrokes to a Rembrandt portrait?!

Perfection, by definition, cannot be improved upon. Altering Torah law is an unacceptable implication that God is lacking.

The verse in Psalms 19:8 declares: "Torat Hashem Temimah" - the Torah of God is complete. For just as adding one wire to a transistor radio means it no longer can pick up reception, so too we mustn't tinker with Jewish law. The mitzvahs of God are perfect.

May the Almighty give you strength to continue your growth in Judaism.

In 1315, King Louis X of France called back the Jews who had been expelled a few decades earlier by King Louis IX. This marked a theme in Jewish-French life: expulsions and subsequent invitations to return. The French monarchy was trying to establish their land as the "new Jerusalem," and to fulfill this mission attempted several crusades to Israel. In 1615, King Louis XIII ordered that Christians were forbidden to speak with Jews, upon penalty of death. Eventually, in 1683, King Louis XIV expelled the Jews from the colony of Martinique.

When you experience joy, you feel good because your magnificent brain produces hormones called endorphins. These self-produced chemicals give you happy and joyful feelings.

Research on these biochemicals has proven that the brain-produced hormones enter your blood stream even if you just act joyful, not only when you really are happy. Although the joyful experience is totally imaginary and you know that it didn’t actually happen, when you speak and act as if that imaginary experience did happen, you get a dose of endorphins.

These chemicals are naturally produced by your brain. They are totally free and entirely healthy.

Many people find that this knowledge inspires them to create more joyful moments. It’s not just an abstract idea, but a physical reality.

There is no person on earth so righteous, who does only good and does not sin (Ecclesiastes 7:20).

Reading the suggestions for ridding oneself of character defects, someone might say, "These are all very helpful for someone who has character defects, but I do not see anything about myself that is defective."

In the above-cited verse, Solomon states what we should all know: no one is perfect. People who cannot easily find imperfections within themselves must have a perception so grossly distorted that they may not even be aware of major defects. By analogy, if a person cannot hear anything, it is not that the whole world has become absolutely silent, but that he or she has lost all sense of hearing and may thus not be able to hear even the loudest thunder.

In his monumental work, Duties of the Heart, Rabbeinu Bachaye quotes a wise man who told his disciples, "If you do not find defects within yourself, I am afraid you have the greatest defect of all: vanity." In other words, people who see everything from an "I am great/right" perspective will of course believe that they do no wrong.

When people can see no faults in themselves, it is generally because they feel so inadequate that the awareness of any personal defects would be devastating. Ironically, vanity is a defense against low self-esteem. If we accept ourselves as fallible human beings and also have a sense of self-worth, we can become even better than we are.

Today I shall...

be aware that if I do not find things within myself to correct, it may be because I am threatened by such discoveries.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...