How to text your boss without getting fired

Suhel Seth sorts you out

No matter how complicated, bizarre or downright illegal your problem, Suhel Seth has an answer for everything.

Are you having naughty dreams about a pubescent girl? Seth knows exactly how to get your mind out of the proverbial gutter. Worried about how to text your boss? Here’s a roadmap to not getting fired… without having to resort to emojis. Is your life in general meltdown mode? Our jet-setting agony uncle rides to your emotional rescue.

Just don’t expect him to be soft-spoken.

Girl problems? Boss problems? Let Suhel help

1/3

On having a crush on Gigi Hadid

I have a huge crush on Gigi Hadid and I don’t know what to do. I tell myself that she was in kindergarten when I got my first job, but something about her in pigtails and me in a tie gets me going again. Last night, I even dreamed about stabbing Zayn Malik. I am a respected, usually sane father of three. Please help!

Shaqeel

Shaqeel, look, son, I don’t know who these people you mention are. I have never heard of them and that could perhaps be an age thing or the fact that I get my information from CNBC and not Instagram. But to answer your question in general terms: Dreaming of someone because their pigtails excite you is never a good sign. You could hope this Gigi person suffers from an Electra complex, but since you have children of your own, let’s not wish that upon young people. As for you, ask your wife to take you to see Zoolander 2, and all thoughts of stabbing people will seem delightfully legitimate.

Image: Shutterstock

On using emojis in text

My girlfriend, football pals and colleagues all use emojis in texts and emails. Even my boss sent me the dancing twins last week. Am I supposed to get on this bandwagon?

Aryan

Aryan, emojis are for people who are brain dead. The kind who think Jane Austen is the name of a car, and are inarticulate, and perhaps sit in Parliament. If you do have a brain, then try and write how you feel. “You make me smile”; “You make me smile more and this time with a blush”; “I’m hungry and thinking of French fries along with a swirly lollipop”. It is far better and more satisfying. Because what on earth could dancing twins mean? Sperm in harmony?

Image: Getty Images

On how not to use Tinder

I’m on Tinder and I’ve been chatting with a few girls, but it seems to be going nowhere. What’s a smooth way to invite a girl over for some Netflix and chill?

– Sooraj

Sooraj, well, the old-fashioned way always works. Write a nice note to her, perfume it with some decent after-shave and try to use English as far as possible. An ink pen would also work wonders. Now, to the Netflix bit: bad idea. Given how slow even goddamn 4G is, the chances are she might spend a lifetime in your arms waiting for a movie to download. So just stick to a meal, and make one of her too.