BEETLE JUICE
by
Warren Skaaren
From an original screenplay
by
Micheal McDowell
based on a story by
Michael McDowell and Larry Wilson
SECOND DRAFT
August 4, 1986
[NOTE: THE ORIGINAL PAPER COPY OF THIS SCRIPT CONTAINED
SCENE NUMBERS, WHICH HAVEN'T BEEN RETAINED FOR THIS FILE.]
FADE IN:
EXT. WINTER RIVER, CONNECTICUT - DAY
A crisp and perfect New England town. Almost too neat to
be real. No visible townspeople. CAMERA EXPLORES town.
CAMERA FLIES OVER a rickety bridge -- PAST the Maitland
Hardware and Appliance Store -- PAST the church -- the
Historical Society -- UP OVER the graveyard on the hill
and finally --
TO the Maitland house. The perfect Victorian house surveying
the perfect village. Suddenly --
A giant daddy longlegs spider -- mounts the crest of
hill beside the house, pauses to wave a spindly leg and
then creeps menacingly on top of the Maitland house.
ADAM (O.S.)
Well, well, you're a big fella...!
A hand -- as big as God's -- with a huge tweezer, gently
reaches down out of the sky and lies, palm up, in the
yard next to the house. Daddy longlegs climbs into it.
The hand raises into the sky again.
INT. ATTIC - NEW ANGLE - DAY
Reveals Winter River as a miniature town, while the daddy
longlegs and the hand are normal size. Above the model
are a homely representation of moon, sun, and stars -- a
whole, tiny mechanical universe to track the hours of the
day. A large plat map of the city is prominent on the
wall.
The hand is ADAM MAITLAND's. In his late 30's, he's a
solid easy-going citizen. Capra used to make movies
about him.
Adam's model town sprawls across most of the attic space.
Windows on either end of the attic shed good light into
the warm room. Adam very carefully lifts the spider out
the open window. Smiles as he drops him lightly on the
breeze.
CAMERA TILTS UP FROM the window to see -- the real Winter
River, laid out exactly as the model, at the foot of the
hill. Adam breathes deeply and looks very pleased at the
glorious town below him.
ON his huge hand again -- as it reaches into model and
tweezes a tiny sign into the tiny window of Maitland's
Hardware Store on Main Street. It reads:
ADAM AND BARBARA MAITLAND
ARE
ON VACATION!
HOORAY!
Adam leans down and eyes the sign.
BARBARA
(behind him)
I'm ready!
Adam turns to see entering: BARBARA MAITLAND, 35 -- a
wholesome beauty who is mellowing well. She smiles at
him. Perhaps a certain tinge of sadness about her, be-
cause they don't have children.
ADAM
(happy to see her)
She's ready.
BARBARA
(eyeing the model)
Oh, Adam, the model looks so good.
The Historical Society will love
it. You've finished the streets?
ADAM
(nodding)
Almost.
She pushes a wrapped present across the table.
BARBARA
Happy vacation, honey!
Adam smiles and gives her a present. He opens his
present. A can of furniture oil.
ADAM
Manchurian Tung oil? Where did
you get it?
BARBARA
Helen got it for me in Oslo.
ADAM
God... Manchurian Tung oil?
There's enough to refinish the
gateleg table and the cherry
wardrobe!
Barbara nods and unwraps her gift. Rolls of very expensive
floral wallpaper. She cradles it like gold leaf.
BARBARA
Oh, Adam! It's Laura Ashley,
isn't it?
He nods.
ADAM
Enough to do the guest room.
PHONE RINGS. They freeze, then grin.
ADAM & BARBARA
(unison)
No one's home!
BARBARA
Oh, I love it. I can get the
guest room done.
ADAM
Yeah, I want to get one coat on
the wardrobe and then I'll help
you.
BARBARA
Oh, honey, I'm so glad we're
spending our vacation at home.
ADAM
(hugging her)
God, how I have looked forward
to this, honey.
HONK HONK outside. They look at each other horrified.
Peer out the window.
BARBARA
Oh no.
ADAM
(pointing at her)
It's your turn, darling.
She shakes her head with resignation and goes downstairs.
KNOCKING on door from below.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
A comfortable, slightly old-fashioned kitchen. Barbara
enters with determination.
HER POV
A woman -- JANE BUTTERFIELD -- tall, gawky and aggressive
peeks in the kitchen door. She's divorced three husbands
and buried another for good measure. She's ruthless but
is weirdly, seamlessly pleasant. She waves a legal-sized
paper at them, starts to come inside.
INT./EXT. KITCHEN DOOR
Barbara makes dash for it and holds it just as Jane gets
a foot in. Jane smiles wildly.
JANE
Hi, Barb! I'm glad I caught you.
I heard you were on vacation!
BARBARA
That's right, Jane. Complete
vacation.
JANE
Honey -- today I am three hundred
fifty thousand dollars!
BARBARA
No! Jane, it is 6:45 in the
morning!
JANE
Look at me, think of me as cash!
This offer is really real! From
a rich man in New York City who
only saw a photograph!
BARBARA
Jane, don't send photographs of
our house around the country!
We're not interested in selling.
JANE
You could double the size of
your hardware store! You'll be
rich.
BARBARA
And live in what, our station
wagon?
JANE
(frustrated)
Barbara Maitland, sweetie, you
just listen now. This house is
too big. It really ought to be
for a couple with a family.
That hurts Barbara a little. She looks at Jane.
JANE
Oh, honey... I didn't mean anything
... it's just too big for you two.
I know these things.
BARBARA
(shutting door)
'Bye, Jane, I'll see you in church
in a couple weeks.
Jane compulsively affixes her business card, face inside.
in the windowpane. Barbara pulls the shade down. Shakes
her head and walks to the roll of wallpaper.
BARBARA
(to herself)
Some people...
INT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY
CAMERA FOLLOWS Adam DOWN stairs -- PAST photos of himself
and Barbara, old photos of the early days of Winter River.
Pictures and momentoes of a satisfied life in hardware.
We see the master bedroom, sewing room, guest rooms,
bathrooms, the rambling, old-fashioned quality to the
house. Clean, sentimental, warm and floral. Some rooms
in progress.
Adam is humming happily looking for paintbrushes in the
ground-floor storeroom. He spies a CASSETTE DECK and
looks through a stack of cassettes and plays one. It is
an old INKSPOTS LOVE SONG.
INT. GUEST ROOM - DAY
Barbara is starting to paper the walls already. She
frowns at the MUSIC. Goes to the door.
BARBARA
Oh, honey. You said no Ink Spots
on this vacation!
It CLICKS OFF. She goes back into the room.
INT. STOREROOM - DAY
Adam puts away the tape but keeps on humming the song.
He needs more light.
He opens the shutters on a small window. He jumps back,
frightened by Jane's huge face grinning at him from
outside.
JANE
Maybe I am three-eighty-five if
you carry a second lien!
(desperate)
I can arrange the most creative
financing in the six states of
New England.
ADAM
No, Jane.
JANE
You'll be rich!
ADAM
(still trying
to be polite)
We're rich in what really matters.
JANE
Adam my booyy! When you're really
rich in what matters...
(shaking the
contract)
... nothing matters! My buyer
has just made a killing in condos
in the Village. And he's got a
little stress problem...
(taps her head)
... so his wife says they want
the old peace and quiet!
ADAM
So do I, Jane. I'm on vacation.
JANE
Does that mean you'd consider it
in two weeks? You don't have to
answer now. He wants me to check
the deed restriction anyway. You
take your vacation, Adam. Say
'bye!
He shakes his head. She puts business card in the window.
JANE
Come see me. You know where to
find me.
Jane exits jauntily, flapping her contract down the lawn.
Squirrels scatter. A bird dives at her. She swings the
contract at it angrily.
JANE
Get away you little monster.
ADAM
(after her)
I will never sell this house.
I'll be buried in my yard next
to Barbara. Holding hands!
(looking for
brush)
And a good paintbrush!
He rummages for a brush. Can't find it.
ADAM
(calling to distant
Barbara)
Honey, come with me down to the
store? I need a good brush for
this Tung oil and I want to pick
up a piece of the model. Let's
go early before anyone sees us.
INT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY
Barbara has already papered a few rolls in the guest
room.
BARBARA
Okay, but let's hurry back. You
just run in okay?
EXT. HOUSE - DAY
The Victorian house from the model "in the flesh." Adam
stands by the station wagon.
On the bumper of the car is a sticker reading: WARNING:
I BRAKE FOR ANIMALS.
Barbara gets in driver's side. They drive off.
INT. CAR - DAY
Adam dusts the inside of the dashboard. Clean. Clean.
ADAM
You know... September is the best
month of the year. Leaves turning,
kids are back in school...
Barbara looks a little wistful about her lack of children.
BARBARA
Jane said we should sell the
house to someone with a family.
ADAM
Ah, the ever-tactful Jane.
(putting his hand
on her shoulder)
Let's just relax about having
children.
EXT. RIVER AND BRIDGE AND HILL - DAY
We see the car coming down the hill toward the bridge.
ADAM (V.O.)
We should be flattered that she
wants to sell our house.
BARBARA (V.O.)
I know... I just wish she'd leave
us alone.
ADAM (V.O.)
Let's not think about it. We'll
have a nice romantic, quiet,
vacation. Here comes the bridge
chorus.
Car reaches the rickety bridge. CAR SHAKES, bobbing up
and down on every plank.
TIGHT ON BARBARA AND ADAM
(They've done this routine before). They sing an old
Johnny Mathis song. With a lot of vibrato.
TOGETHER
Chances are... When I wear a
foolish grin...
They laugh.
EXT. DOWNTOWN WINTER RIVER - DAY
Just like the model, but real. And populated.
CAMERA PAUSES ON a gorgeous storefront with a brass lion
out front. Sign above doors says:
BOZMAN BUILDING 1835
An old man polishes the lion as Maitlands drive by and
wave.
BARBARA (V.O.)
Wave at the lion.
ADAM (V.O.)
Don't forget the balls, Ernie.
BARBARA (V.O.)
(embarrassed)
Adam!
Ernie looks around to see no one's looking and polishes
the balls of the lion.
CAMERA spies a jaunty dog, like Benji, peeing on the
opposite corner of the lion. Maitlands drive by store
with sign:
JANE BUTTERFIELD
ANTIQUES
REAL ESTATE
TRAVEL
INT. ANTIQUE STORE-REAL ESTATE OFFICE-TRAVEL AGENCY -
DAY
The store is bursting with antiques of all sorts, travel
brochures, photographs of houses for sale, and a serve-
yourself Xerox machine. LITTLE JANE, her 8-year-old
daughter is drudgingly making copies.
Jane, phone in hand, rushes to the window to watch
Maitlands drive by. Almost popping the cord when it
reaches its end. She's waiting for the other party to
pick up.
JANE
(after Maitlands)
How can you be Republicans and
not understand real estate?
(changing attitude;
all sweet)
Y... ello. Mrs. Deetz?
Well the condition is what we
country folk call, fixin'... Yes,
I think they are fixin' to accept
another offer. Don't scream at
me, Mrs. Deetz. Well maybe if
you offer 390,000 they'll take
it.
EXT. MAITLAND HARDWARE - DAY
Adam sprints up the steps of his lovely hardware store.
OLD BILL, a slightly-addled ancient barber, is napping
in a chair in front of his shop, next door to Adam's.
Adam fumbles with the lock, not interested in conversa-
tion. He drops his keys, waking Old Bill.
OLD BILL
'Morning, Adam. You need a
haircut before your vacation?
ADAM
No thanks, Bill.
OLD BILL
How's the model coming?
ADAM
Good, Bill -- Good.
Bill turns around and continues prattling even though
Adam has entered. Bill prattles throughout.
OLD BILL
Y'know, I was thinkin'... you
said Bozman built the foundation
in 1835 but y'know his grandson
come in here last week and said
he found a bottle with an 1836
stamp in it plastered in the
foundation.
(suddenly dis-
gusted at the
memory)
He's got hair down to his
goddamned shoulders...
INT. MAITLAND HARDWARE
Adam pulls down a few good paintbrushes and carefully
picks up a small model of the Bozman building. He
walks out. Old Bill continues unabated.
OLD BILL
He said 'Just give me a trim...'
I took a scissors to him so fast
... would've skimmed him clean if
he hadn't...
Adam strides by quickly to the car.
ADAM
See you, Bill.
OLD BILL
Right.
INT. JANE'S OFFICE - DAY
JANE
(on phone)
Well, Mrs. Deetz, I am doing my
best. What? Oh the Maitlands
are fine country people. What
make car do they drive?
She runs to the window again almost popping cord.
EXT. MAITLAND'S CAR - DAY
The Maitlands drive their 1984 Volvo station wagon
toward their house.
JANE (V.O.)
They drive an old beat-up red
Chevrolet pickup.
ON JANE
JANE
Yes, that's right, they don't
know the value of their land.
Not if they take this offer of
yours they don't. I'll be in
touch.
(fingering her
business card)
Come see me, you know where I...
(cut short by Mrs.
Deetz's hang-up)
... am.
EXT. CAR AND BRIDGE - DAY
Car approaches.
INT. CAR - DAY
Five brushes sit on the seat next to Adam. He cradles
small replica of the Bozman building, complete with
brass lion.
BARBARA
Adam, your Bozman Building is a
beauty.
ADAM
Yeah it turned out okay. We
applied for a National Historical
plaque for it. That'll be the
third one on Main Street.
BARBARA
You're doing it, Adam. You're
saving this town.
ADAM
(grinning proudly)
Slow down there, honey... I don't
want the vibration to weaken the
model.
BARBARA
(nervous)
Oh... I'm sorry...
Barbara starts to apply the brakes.
Just before the bridge the dog waddles out in the road.
Stops to pee. Barbara swerves. As the car hits the
rickety bridge, the speed is just a bit too much.
BOARDS RATTLE and loosen, the car skews and catches
in an open slot, careens to the right, then the left
and SMASHES through the side RAILS. It hovers on the
edge of the bridge.
INT. CAR - DAY
A piling has smashed through the window on the passenger
side, crushing the upper part of Barbara's arm. She is
wailing in pain and fright.
Adam attempts to maneuver the car onto the bridge again.
Adam tries to help Barbara. He tries to get out of the
car. None of this succeeds.
EXT. BRIDGE AND RIVER - DAY
The dog finishes, looks over at the car, walks across
the bridge and steps on the one board which holds the
car aloft.
The car rocks back and forth for a moment, and then
slides forward toward the water.
EXT. CAR AND BRIDGE
The car plunges into the rushing water. It floats
for a moment, and then sinks like a stone.
UNDERWATER - DAY
The car floats downward with panic-stricken Adam and
Barbara inside. For a moment, we hear their SCREAMS, then
as the car fills up with water, the screams are cut off.
FADE TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
INT. BARBARA AND ADAM'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Quiet, still, expectant. There is a fire laid in the
hearth. Suddenly and for no apparent reason it ignites
and burns with a furious cheerfulness.
Barbara and Adam enter, dazed, wet, and bedraggled.
BARBARA
Something like this always
happens when we try to go on
vacation. Always.
Adam leads her toward the fire.
ADAM
You'll feel better when you're
dry.
He holds out his hands to be warmed. Barbara comes up
beside him. All this time she's been holding her injured
arm with the other hand.
BARBARA
This fire wasn't burning when
we left the house.
ADAM
How's your arm?
BARBARA
I'm not sure. It feels... frozen.
She holds her arms out to warm them. One hand catches on
fire.
BARBARA'S LEFT ARM
They stare at it dumbfoundedly before Adam regains his
senses and snatches it out of the fire. Two of the
fingers are burning like candles, and Barbara industriously
blows them out.
BARBARA
Oh, Adam.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY (FEW MINUTES LATER)
They are sitting on the couch together. Barbara is looking
away slightly -- as one does when a doctor is drawing
blood -- while Adam looks at her fingers. He frowns.
He looks at his skin. It is pale. He looks at Barbara.
ADAM
You'd better sit down, hon.
BARBARA
I am sitting.
ADAM
I'll tell you what, Barbara. I
don't think we survived that crash.
BARBARA
(pause)
Oh, Adam. We're home. In our own
house. Nonsense. I'll make some
coffee. You get some more
firewood.
Adam gets up, a little absently, she follows him as he
wanders to the front door. He peers out.
ADAM
Let's take things extra slow. Do
you remember how we got back up
here?
Barbara tests her hand, clenches and unclenches her fist.
BARBARA
I'm fine. My arm works fine.
Adam, exploring, opens the door, steps out on the front
porch.
EXT. FRONT PORCH - TWILIGHT
Adam's face is painted with color of sunset. He stands
atop the steps leading down to the front yard. Barbara
stands just inside the open threshold, looking out
worriedly.
BARBARA
(quiet sarcasm)
The end of a perfect day.
Adam starts to step down to the yard.
ADAM
Honey, I'm gonna go down to the
bridge and retrace our steps.
He steps off the last step into the yard and promptly
disappears.
BARBARA
Adam!
EXT. GREAT VOID
Adam is nowhere. There's no ground, no sky, nothing to
stand on or hold onto or give boundaries or distance.
Just vast nothing. Not white and not colored either.
Noise of a CLOCK TICKING.
Adam looks about, surprised, doesn't like what he doesn't
see. He turns around to head back up the steps. There
are no steps.
ADAM
Barbara?
His VOICE ECHOES STRANGELY. He runs off a little in the
distance, and calls again from over there.
ADAM
(quietly)
Where are you?
He goes even farther away.
FOREGROUND - ENORMOUS GEARED WHEEL
-- The size of a man -- rolls by, tearing up the unseamed
ground. Something pours up out of the tear -- ooze or
stuffing.
Adam runs forward and stares after the wheel, which is
now out of sight.
TWO SMALLER GEARS
looking very much like components of a giant watch --
spin along behind him. One of them veers suddenly
toward him, and though Adam jumps out of the way, the
gear snags his trouser leg and shreds it. LOUD TICKING.
A perfectly enormous gear comes barreling toward him.
Adam leaps out of its way. The gear turns, fish-tailing,
kicking up ooze and stuffing.
Adam flings himself suddenly to the right, but trips into
the path of the gear. As he's about to be crushed, he's
suddenly jerked up to safety.
EXT. FRONT PORCH - NIGHT
It's Barbara who's grabbed him, and quite evidently saved
his -- not life, perhaps -- but existence. He's shaken,
breathless.
Barbara stares at him, as if wondering what he's just
been through.
ADAM
(weakly)
You saved my -- uh -- life... or
whatever... something.
BARBARA
Two hours.
ADAM
What?
BARBARA
That's how long you were gone.
ADAM
(pondering that)
... Hmmm?
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Barbara leads Adam into the house.
ADAM
Anything happen while I was away?
BARBARA
Yes it did. Yes it did. I made a
couple of small discoveries.
Here's one.
She stands by the mirror over the hearth mantle. On the
mantle is Barbara's prize collection of porcelain horses.
Adam comes to stand beside her. They look into the
mirror, and there is no reflection of them.
Barbara picks up one of the horses, and trots it through
the air. The horse is imaged in the mirror.
BARBARA
There's that, and there's this.
She picks up an ancient, leather-bound book. It's yellow
and worn, about the size of the Boy Scout manual.
CLOSEUP - BOOK
Its title is: Handbook For The Recently Deceased.
BACK TO SCENE
ADAM
(reading)
Handbook for the recently diseased.
BARBARA
Deceased. I don't know where it
came from.
ADAM
Look at the publisher.
(as he does)
Handbook for the Recently Deceased
Press.
They look at each other as it sinks in to Barbara.
BARBARA
(finally admitting it)
I don't think we survived the crash.
ADAM
This is going to take some time.
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Adam is already in bed, reading from the handbook.
Barbara is getting ready for bed -- going through a
ritual of sorts that they practiced every night of their
married lives.
BARBARA
I don't like situations like this.
I hate it when I'm not in control.
So just tell me the basics.
ADAM
This book isn't arranged that way.
What do you want to know?
BARBARA
There are a thousand things... Why
did you disappear when you walked
off the front porch? Is this a
punishment? Are we halfway to
heaven or are we halfway to hell?
And how long is this going to
last?
ADAM
I don't see anything about 'Rewards
and Punishments' or 'Heaven and
Hell.'
(frustrated)
This book reads like stereo
instructions! Listen to this...
'Geographical and Temporal
Perimeters... Functional perimeters
vary from manifestation to
manifestation.' This is going to
take some time.
Barbara paces, she trips on her wallpaper rolls. Kicks
them.
BARBARA
I knew I'd never finish the guest
room. Adam, we just can't stay in
here forever!
They look at each other, the question hangs in the air.
Can't they?
Adam stands and walks to the window.
ADAM
(thoughtfully)
Maybe we should set up a normal
routine.
She looks at him like he's nuts.
ADAM
I mean, let's try to nail down
something in our lives. A regular
schedule. We can keep track of
time and go on with our projects
up here in the attic.
She shakes her head, exasperated. Flops down on the bed.
BARBARA
Oh, God, maybe this is all just a
bad dream.
TIGHT ON ADAM
A somber look comes across his face.
ADAM
I'm afraid not, honey.
Barbara looks up at him, questioningly.
BARBARA
Why? What's wrong? Adam?
She stands and joins him at the window.
THEIR POV THROUGH WINDOW
In the distance we see an automobile funeral procession
threading its way toward the nearby cemetery. Headlights
are on. We recognize Jane's car in the line.
REVERSE ON BARBARA AND ADAM
Sober faces.
TIGHTER ON PROCESSION
It arrives at the gravesite. We see some familiar faces,
Ernie, and Old Bill the Barber. Jane and Little Jane
watch as two identical coffins are carried together, to
two open graves.
ON BARBARA AND ADAM
She drops her head sadly on his shoulder. He leans his
face slightly into hers.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
INT. ATTIC - DAY
Adam is setting up a small monument in the model town
cemetery. It reads: ADAM AND BARBARA MAITLAND / UNITED
IN LIFE / UNDIVIDED IN DEATH.
ADAM
I wish I could see the cemetery
from up here, I don't know which
area is the best placement for us.
Barbara, trying to clean, lets out a frustrated yelp!
She paces.
ADAM
Cabin fever, hon?
BARBARA
I can't clean anything. The vacuum
is out in the garage. I can't
leave the house. Why don't they
tell us something? Where are all
the other dead people in the
world? Why is it just you and me?
ADAM
Maybe this is heaven.
BARBARA
(looking at the dusty
walls)
In heaven there wouldn't be dust
on the wallpaper.
ADAM
Hon... I didn't want to die, but
really, this is fine with me. As
long as I never have to wash
dishes again.
BARBARA
Dishes? We haven't eaten in three
weeks! Adam, I'm not like you, I
really need to be around people,
get out to the church and go
grocery shopping.
ADAM
But I'm not hungry, are you?
Barbara shakes her head and picks up the handbook, and
pages through it desperately.
BARBARA
I keep having this feeling that
something has got to happen.
CAR DOOR SLAMS outside. Adam and Barbara look at one
another. Run to window.
EXT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY
Jane Butterfield is staring up at the old house.
INT. ATTIC - DAY
Adam, from his angle, can just barely see her.
ADAM
God, it's Jane Butterfield!
BARBARA
What's she doing here?
ADAM
I don't know.
(shouting)
Jane, Jane, up here!
EXT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY
Unhearing, Jane heads for car. Sound of WIND UP. Blows
her dress. Little Jane straggles along with her like an
apprentice.
INT. ATTIC - DAY
Barbara watches Adam, and shakes her head. He stops.
BARBARA
She can't see you, right?
(as Adam nods)
In the book, Rule Number Two:
the living usually won't see the
dead.
ADAM
Won't? Or can't?
BARBARA
Just says 'won't.' Wait a minute.
Here it says 'the living are
arrogant... they think they'll
never die, so they refuse to see
the dead.'
ADAM
Arrogant. That's Jane Butterfield
all right...
BARBARA
(sighs and nods)
At least we won't have to worry
about her.
Adam pats her on the head, smiles and goes to his model.
ADAM
Keep studying the book. Breathe
deeply, relax. It doesn't seem
to me we have to worry about much
of anything, hon.
She smiles, finally a little contented. Returns to the
book.
BARBARA
I guess... if I'm going to be
dead, I'll just have to be the
best dead person ever!
ADAM
That's my girl!
EXT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY
Jane drives away. CAMERA HINGES to see a For Sale sign.
Across it -- another smaller banner. It reads:
SOLD!
CUT TO:
INT. MASTER BEDROOM - MORNING
The Maitlands are asleep. CAMERA EXPLORES the room a
bit. It is getting slightly tatty. Adam rolls over,
pulling the covers off Barbara. We see:
ON BARBARA
She is hovering off the side of the bed.
An OMINOUS RUMBLE --
-- like a 4.0 earthquake, shakes the house. GLASS
RATTLES, the ceramic horses on the mantlepiece jump
around. Barbara falls to the floor. They look at one
another with horror. They leap up and run downstairs.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
The RUMBLE BUILDS to a climax, there is a LOUD METALLIC
SQUEAL, and then a CRASH... just as Barbara and Adam
arrive.
MOVING VAN RAMP
SMASHES open the front DOOR and CRASHES down into the
foyer.
TEN-FOOT ELECTRIC-BLUE ITALIAN LEATHER COUCH
slides smoothly down the ramp. On the couch sits DELIA
DEETZ.
Delia is relentlessly New York, relentlessly fashionable,
relentlessly thin -- a totally self-assured Joan Rivers.
DELIA
Get it right, you people! And I
don't pay overtime!
She is also a woman with a mission -- to gut Barbara and
Adam's house and remake it in her own very upscale image.
Delia's gaze is on the living room, but she looks through
Adam and Barbara as if they weren't even there (which to
her eyes they're not).
The COUCH CRASHES into the base of the staircase, SMASHING
the NEWELL POST and several of the BALUSTERS.
Barbara cringes. One of the balusters falls at Delia's
side. She grasps it like a scepter.
Two MOVING MEN rush down the ramp.
MOVING MAN #1
Sorry about that, Mrs. Deetz.
DELIA
Don't worry. It was going anyway.
Staggered by Delia's grand entrance, Barbara looks toward
Adam, but he has disappeared.
Flustered, Barbara glances around the room, shakes herself
experimentally, then with a look of surprise on her
face that it works -- disappears herself.
Still holding the baluster, Delia gets up off the couch
and moves into the living room, surveying it with an
odd mixture of ambition, contempt, and resolution.
Behind her, the two Moving Men bring in a matching blue
leather armchair. In the armchair sits LYDIA DEETZ.
Lydia, age 14, is a pretty girl, but wan, pale and
overly-dramatic, dressed as she is in her favorite color,
black leather. She's a combination of a little death
rocker and an 80's version of Edward Gorey's little
girls.
She has a couple of expensive cameras around her neck
and is already taking photographs of the Moving Men.
Lydia is cool, Lydia is sullen, Lydia is her father's
daughter by his first marriage. Lydia is usually about
half-pissed off. But underneath... we like her a lot.
The Moving Men still hold up the chair, waiting for Delia
to decide where she wants it.
DELIA
Jesus. Who lived here? The
Waltons?
TIGHT ON LYDIA
Calmly surveys the house.
LYDIA
You hate it? I love it.
Delia signals wearily that the Moving Men can put the
chair down anywhere.
DELIA
Get all this other crap out of
here.
Lydia hops down out of the chair, and comes farther into
the living room.
DELIA
Where is your father?... Probably
in the kitchen.
That's the cue for CHARLES DEETZ, who comes in through
the swinging door, and across the dining room.
He's holding a butcher knife in one hand, and a massive
meat cleaver in the other.
Charles is not exactly the equivalent of his wife, being
at heart a basically pleasant man. But pleasant isn't
"in" this year, so Charles does his best to be offhanded
and brittle.
CHARLES
The noise in that kitchen. Noisy
refrigerator, noisy faucets...
We'll have to replace it all. I
want no humming in the house.
Lydia exploring on her own, gazes around the living room
with growing pleasure, she backs up for a good angle to
photograph.
CAMERA HINGES -- She is standing with her back right up
to Barbara -- who is horrified at this creature.
LYDIA
(to herself)
A real house.
Barbara looks closely at Lydia's hair and thinks
"Yecchh!" Charles enters.
CHARLES
What do you think, honey?
LYDIA
Delia hates it.
Lydia gazes at a dusty maze of spider webs.
LYDIA
I could live here.
A movement makes Lydia turn around and scream. It is
Delia. Not Barbara.
DELIA
Settle down, Lydia. I wonder
where we are going to get
counseling for you out here.
A VIOLENT FALSETTO SCREAM turns the Deetz family's
attention to the front windows.
OTHO (O.S.)
Help! Oh help!
Wedged in the window frame is a massive body.
The short, stubby legs, dressed in the world's largest
pair of Georgia Armani slacks, protrude into the living
room, waving frantically. Expensive Italian loafers
are kicked off the feet revealing a pair of expensive
patterned socks. By their feet shall ye know them.
DELIA
It's Otho!
CHARLES
Otho, why didn't you just come in
the door?
Otho's voice comes as if from a great distance.
OTHO (O.S.)
It's bad luck. And I believe
hugely in luck.
LYDIA
Hold your breath and we'll pull.
The entire Deetz family at last pulls Otho into the
living room.
All this while the Moving Men are variously carting
out the handsome old furniture and bringing in the
hideous new furniture.
Otho is Robert Morley at his most obscenely fat and
faggoty. But he's not all fat and fun -- this customer
carries nasty emotional weight as well.
As Otho is pulled through the window he is holding onto
the curtains for support. And when he is at last all
the way through, and upright on his feet, he suddenly
gives a tremendous yank. The whole drapery apparatus,
including valences, crashes to the floor.
OTHO
That was the single most
unattractive window treatment I
have ever seen in the entire of
my existence.
DELIA
(starry eyed)
I'm so glad you could leave the
city to consult me, Otho.
Otho is looking around the room with an eye of quiet
horror.
OTHO
Yes, of course you are. Well,
Otho had an intuition. Call it a
hunch -- that it was going to be a
fabled monstrosity of a house. And
it certainly is. Charles, you're
lucky the Yuppies are buying
condos, so you can afford what I'm
going to have to do to this place.
We are talking from the groundups'ville!
CHARLES
That's fine, Otho. Just keep me
out of it. I am here to relax
and clip coupons. And goddamnit,
I mean to do it.
During this speech, Otho has been surreptitiously posing
for Lydia's camera. She clicks the shutter.
OTHO
(ignoring her)
Is the rest of the house as bad as
this?
DELIA
The rest of the house is probably
worse. When can you and I get
started?
OTHO
No time like the present, as my
wicked stepmother used to say.
Unexpectedly, Otho sweeps Barbara's entire collection of
CERAMIC and PORCELAIN HORSES from the mantlepiece. They
all CRASH to the hearth, except for one, which Lydia
manages to catch.
LYDIA
Otho, that's terrible.
OTHO
My sentiments exactly. Porcelain
is for teeth!
He takes the sale remaining porcelain horse out of Lydia's
hand and flings it into the fireplace. Lydia is sad.
Then, out of the pockets of his size 56 Georgia Armani
jacket, Otho takes two cans of spray paint -- the kind
the graffiti artists use -- and shakes them as if they
were castanets. They certainly sound like it.
OTHO
Delia, let's get this show on
the road.
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY
At one end, near the stairs leading up to the attic,
Barbara and Adam are slumped against opposite walls.
BARBARA
Adam, we are in hell. I hate these
people.
ADAM
They make gypsies look good.
BARBARA
Is this a punishment for something
we did in life? What can we do?
ADAM
I don't know if there's anything
we can do.
BARBARA
(determined)
We're not completely helpless.
I've been reading the book.
There's a word for people in our
predicament, honey.
Adam looks at her.
BARBARA
Ghosts!
Adam is shocked at the reality.
Otho and Delia come up the stairs at the end of the
hallway.
OTHO
We're dealing with negative
entertainment potential here.
I mean, there's absolutely no
organic walking flow-through.
Otho looks down the hallway. It's empty. Adam and
Barbara are no longer there.
DELIA
What's wrong?
OTHO
I thought I saw something.
DeLia turns and spray-paints on the wall -- in luminous
orange -- the word MAUVE.
DELIA
Okay?
OTHO
(screaming with delight)
You read my mind! I love clients
who can read my mind. I don't
think people realize how strong
a connection there is between
interior decoration and the
supernatural.
DELIA
(fawning)
I know... I read your book, TheHaunted Tapestries of the Waldorf.
OTHO
Gooood!
Delia opens the door and they step inside another room.
DELIA
This will be Lydia's room.
INT. LYDIA'S ROOM - DAY
It's not Lydia's room yet, of course, because it still
has the Maitlands' furniture in it. Barbara had partly
wallpapered it before the accident. Her tools are still
there.
DELIA
What do you think?
OTHO
Viridian?
DELIA
Viridian? What is...?
Otho spray-paints the word "viridian" on the wall -- plus
the word "blue green" -- and "Cr2 03," right over a
picture of Adam and Barbara as kids.
OTHO
Blue-green! Hydrated chromic
oxide! Remember I'm schooled in
chemistry. I was a hair analyst!
Briefly. Interior design is a
science, Delia! Think of me as
Doctor Otho.
(looking at wall)
And this patient is truly sick!
DELIA
Of course, her favorite color!
How beautiful!
Otho stares straight into her eyes.
OTHO
'I' will tell you what is
beautiful.
Delia smiles. Behind Delia and Otho, the room's CLOSET
DOOR swings slowly open with and OMINOUS CREAK.
Delia and Otho turn that way, with a suggestion of dread.
Inside the closet, Barbara's corpse is suspended from
the ceiling by a belt. The CORPSE twists with a CREAK,
and Barbara grins ghostly and slowly tears off her face,
leaving nothing but muscle and bone beneath. Her eye-
balls dangle on her cheeks.
Delia and Otho stare aghast.
DELIA
Oh my God!
OTHO
I know! We just have to pray
that the other closets are
bigger than this one.
He walks over. Looks inside.
OTHO
Were these people dwarfes? (sic)
(spies something)
Oooo!... Look!
He finds, neatly hung in plastic, the Maitlands'
wedding outfits. Totally captivated by this powerful
image, he peers through the plastic at them. Holding
each up to Delia. Barbara watches wide-eyed at them.
OTHO
Ozzie...
(holding up
her dress)
... and... Harriet! What happened
to these people?
Delia SLAMS the DOOR in Barbara's contorted face.
DELIA
They died.
INT. HALLWAY - SAME TIME
Delia and Otho come out of Lydia's bedroom. Look around.
Delia opens a door on the opposite side of the hallway
-- Adam and Barbara's old room. They enter.
INT. BARBARA AND ADAM'S OLD ROOM - DAY
The room looks like Barbara and Adam left it just a few
hours ago. Delia and Otho poke around.
OTHO
Yes, but how did they die?
Delia has gone over to the bathroom door, and pushed it
wide open. But before she goes in, she stops a moment
to think.
DELIA
I think... they drowned.
Behind Delia, in the bathroom, the old-fashioned bathtub
suddenly overflows with vile water. Adam's face-up
bloated corpse bobs to the surface. His dead, drowned
stare is ghastly.
OTHO
Argh! Look at this water.
Mosquito central. This will
be overtime, Delia.
He rolls his sleeve and reaches down into the water, past
Adam, who looks at him puzzled. Otho pulls the plug on
the drain. Water swirls out.
Delia stares downward directly at the corpse, then she
points at the floor.
DELIA
Otho, I cannotlive with these
cheap domestic floor tiles.
OTHO
Be brave! Otho take care! Onward!
The bathroom is now empty. No water, no drowned corpse.
Otho sneezes. Shivers a bit.
INT. HALLWAY - SAME TIME
Otho and Delia come out of the master bedroom suite.
OTHO
Is there much more of this
torture?
DELIA
That's Charles' study. But you
don't have to even look in there.
He'll love whatever you do to
it. He's such a sheep.
OTHO
Oh, as long as we're here...
Otho reaches out and turns the knob. The door swings
ominously open on:
CHARLES'S STUDY
This had been Adam's reading and birdwatching study.
Bird posters on the wall, books everywhere. Straight
out of Better Homes and Gardens 1963.
There is one slight difference however because on the
rag rug in the middle of the floor lies Adam's headless
corpse. Standing over him, holding in one hand a long
knife and in the other Adam's blood-and-gore dripping
head is Barbara -- with a maniacal look on her face.
Shrieking silently.
OTHO
Ooo. Deliver me from L.L. Bean!
Inside the room, the eyes of Adam's severed head open
and look up at Barbara -- she stops screaming.
ADAM'S HEAD
They don't see us. They can't
hear us.
Outside, Delia is shaking her head.
DELIA
The woman who lived here had the
aesthetic instincts of Betty
Crocker.
BARBARA
I'm going to get her.
DELIA
I cannot convey to you the extent
to which this house bores me.
OTHO
'I' will tell you what is boring.
(looking around
scientifically)
Once you cover up the wallpaper,
knock down a few walls, alter the
traffic patterns, and -- perhaps
-- only perhaps -- think about an
inground pool -- the place might
just be livable. What's on the
third floor?
DELIA
Attic space.
OTHO
Let's see. We could turn that
into a media room.
They head up the stars to the attic.
INT. LYDIA'S ROOM - SAME TIME
Adam's head has a look of terror on it.
ADAM'S HEAD
Oh, God. I forgot to lock the
attic door!
Adam's headless body jumps up off the floor and rushes
out of the room.
INT. STAIRCASE TO ATTIC - SAME TIME
Otho and Delia climbing. The headless corpse careens
past them, around the bend in the stairs and out of sight.
OTHO
Did you feel something?
Delia shakes her head.
OTHO
I felt a cool wind.
The expression on Otho's face suggests he knows more than
he's telling.
INT. LANDING OUTSIDE ATTIC DOOR - SAME TIME
The headless corpse rushes through the open door into
the attic.
INT. ATTIC - SAME TIME
The headless corpse SLAMS the DOOR SHUT, turns the key
in the lock. Then he slumps against the locked door in
an exaggerated stance of relief.
INT. ATTIC LANDING - SAME TIME
Delia tries the knob. The door is locked.
OTHO
You don't have a key?
DELIA
Maybe Charles does.
OTHO
I have a feeling there's some very
interesting space behind this door.
DELIA
(sarcastic)
Probably the world's largest Reader'sDigest collection! C'mon, let's have
some chablis, Otho, I'm laid bare by
this experience. Entirely bare.
INT. GUEST BEDROOM - SAME TIME
Barbara still holding Adam's head.
ADAM'S HEAD
Whew! That was close.
BARBARA
I cannot witness this.
Barbara distractedly puts Adam's head on a bookshelf.
His headless body fumbles with the books and finally
reattaches the head.
INT. GUEST BEDROOM - DAY
Adam turns away from the window. Barbara, still with
her face unattached, is fuming. She's trying unsuccessfully,
to rip apart the handbook.
BARBARA
What's the good of being a ghost
if you can't frighten people to
death?
She explodes and flings the handbook at the mirror.
ADAM
Oh, honey, we may need that.
BARBARA
No, I'm not putting up with this.
She storms out of the room.
INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER
Barbara storms in, as if straight from the room upstairs.
She heads straight for the back door. Just as she opens
the door, Adam rushes up.
ADAM
Barbara, honey! Don't go out
there. You don't know --
BARBARA
Whatever it is it can't be worse
than this.
She flings open the door and steps outside. She promptly
disappears.
ADAM
Barbara!
EXT. SURFACE OF SATURN'S MOON TITAN - DAY
Barbara plunges into the dusty surface of Titan with an
enormous Saturn looming in the sky. She looks around
with wonder and some fear.
A sulfur volcano erupts in the distance. A METEOR
CRASHES with a lurid EXPLOSION. As from a great distance
she hears Adam's voice. Like thunder.
ADAM
Barbara!
She turns slowly in the yellow dense sand that covers
the surface of this distant moon.
BARBARA'S POV
Adam is trudging towards her. Behind him, hovering
isolated in the air, is the kitchen door.
BACK TO SCENE
Adam at last catches up with her. Surveys around them.
BARBARA
Oh, Adam. Find somebody. I'm
getting all yellow. Do something!
Behind them, something is burrowing rapidly toward them
through the sand. The something could be right out of
Dune.
Barbara and Adam stare for a moment, then Adam grabs her
and pulls her toward the kitchen door. But the kitchen
door has moved, so they veer in the new direction.
The something follows them and rises out of the sand.
ON SOMETHING
It is a very big, very nasty, and very hungry snapping
SANDWORM. It ROARS and lunges at them.
Barbara, slightly angered at it, instinctively bats at it.
The sandworm is momentarily stunned at Barbara's
audacity. It freezes and shakes its loathesome head.
Barbara bats at it again. Adam is wide-eyed, tries to
pull her away. The SANDWORM recovers and ROARS after
them.
Adam grabs Barbara and tries to escape, but they slip
and sink in the sand. They make it to the door just in
time, swing it open and hurl themselves through. The
DOOR SHUTS with a BANG just in front of the ROARING
SANDWORM.
The SANDWORM rears and ROARS in frustration, HOWLING
to the ringed planet.
INT. KITCHEN
Barbara weeping, throws herself in Adam's arms.
BARBARA
Oh, Adam, don't ever leave me
alone.
ADAM
You left me.
BARBARA
I know. I'm sorry.
She hugs him tight.
BARBARA
I just realized that I could have
been killed alone. Don't ever
leave me, honey.
Both contemplate that horror.
BARBARA
We're trapped in this house
forever... with those... people.
ADAM
You can't say that for sure. It
could be a transitional thing.
Like a post-life crisis. We just
have to be tougher with them.
Come on. Have some brandy.
Spirits, get it?
BARBARA
(a tentative smile)
Death didn't improve your sense
of humor.
They head for the dining room.
INT. DINING ROOM
Adam has his arms around Barbara's shoulder. They walk
in the door and stumble upon the Deetzes at their dinner.
Lydia's back is to them. Barbara and Adam back out of
the room but stop to listen.
INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
The Deetzes around the dining room table. There are
candles and good china laid out -- but they're eating
out of Chinese take-out boxes.
DELIA
I can't believe that we're eating
Cantonese. Is there no Szechuan
up here? Hunan?
CHARLES
There's only one Chinese restaurant
in town, darling, the owners are
Irish and Irish people happen to
cook Cantonese. They don't know
better.
LYDIA
I plan to have a stroke from the
amount of MSG that's in this food.
DELIA
This is our first meal in this
house, Lydia. Why don't we all
do our little private parts to
make it a pleasant one?
CHARLES
Lydia, relax. We'll build you a
darkroom in the basement.
LYDIA
(dramatically)
My whole life is a darkroom! One
... big... dark... room.
Delia rolls her eyes and nods. She's been through this
before.
DELIA
Nonsense... you'll go to school,
get a bike, maybe have an ant farm.
Maybe meet a farm boy.
Delia laughs. Charles smiles.
LYDIA
(doleful)
Yeah, maybe if he's nice, he'll
let me hang myself from a rope
in his barn.
CHARLES
Lydia, we're the first trickle!
In a couple of years this whole
town will be filled with people
like us.
DELIA
We'll be the art center of summer
New York. I'll teach those phony
gallery creeps to refuse my
sculpture. And when Otho and I
get through with this house, you
people are not going to recognize
it.
LYDIA
(dramatically)
I say let's keep it the way it is.
Charles and Delia stare at her simultaneously,
unbelieving.
LYDIA
I do. I really like it. I mean,
it's already sort of like somebody's
home, isn't it? Their couch is
comfortable and doesn't stick to
your legs. It smells like a real
home, not a French whorehouse.
There is a pause, as if the family were considering this
whole business in a new light. Then the moment and the
light fade.
DELIA
Lydia, at your age, you are soyoung.
(back to business)
Charles, we need to call that
awful Jane Butterfield tomorrow
and get the key to the attic
door. Can't you find a way to
hold back some of her commission?
CHARLES
We're going to have a lot to do
tomorrow... The Goodwill truck is
coming, and whatever is up there
in that attic goes away with it.
Should have it fumigated too. I
saw a fly today.
Lydia looks at them with a mixture of sadness and anger.
OUTSIDE DOOR - ON STAIRS
Listening, sit Barbara and Adam. A tear rolls down her
face.
INT. ATTIC - DAY
Adam and Barbara are lying down on the floor, peering
out of one of the small windows overlooking the front
yard of the house. The handbook open in front of them.
EXT. FRONT YARD - ADAM AND BARBARA'S POV - DAY
The entire front yard is alive with workmen and their
vehicles. Plumbers, electricians, cable TV men, etc.
Goodwill truck arrives. MOS Charles directs the Goodwill
men to a pile of the Maitlands' furniture. They grab one
of Barbara's prized antique tables and fling it up into
the truck.
In the road in front of the house are several cars of
rubbernecking locals, astonished by all the activity.
The city has come to town.
INT. ATTIC - DAY
Adam and Barbara just look at one another as if to say
"we're next!" Adam leafs through the handbook furiously.
BARBARA
Look in the index... maybe
there's, like an emergency number
or something.
ADAM
Not really... what's this?
Adam pulls from the book an ancient, yellowed, crumbling
handbill. He carefully opens it.
ON HANDBILL
Very primitive, crude, red printing.
ADAM (V.O.)
(reading)
Trouble with the living? House
full of pesky, arrogant live people?
If you got the dough... I make 'em
go! Betelgeuse the Bio Buster.
Betelegeuse... Betelgeuse... Betel...
The remainder of the sheet is torn off.
ON BARBARA
fingering the torn edge. Looking in the book for the
remainder. No luck.
BARBARA
That's it? No number, or
instructions?
ADAM
Nothing. The bio buster? I don't
get it...
A THUNDERING CRASH shakes the house. They both scurry
to the window to see what has happened below.
EXT. FRONT AND SIDE YARDS - DAY
CAMERA FOLLOWS ACTION -- small vignettes.
Charles flails his arms at a dimwitted crane operator
who is unsuccessfully trying to get a 2500 pound Vulcan
range through a formerly too small kitchen window. Now
a gaping hole in the wall.
Moving men watch and then continue to move in the Deetz's
modern, expensive, and ugly furniture. They collide with
Goodwill men coming out with the Maitlands' lovely
antiques and personal possessions.
Delia shreiks periodically at some fine art movers who
are struggling under her horrid modern welded steel
sculptures.
Lydia snaps photos of the mayhem. She stops to scan the
whole house.
LYDIA'S POV
When her gaze reaches to top of the house, she suddenly
glimpses Barbara and Adam's faces in the window.
BACK TO SCENE
Lydia blinks hard. Her mouth drops open. She looks all
around -- as if she'd just seen a ghost or two.
Jane Butterfield's car pulls up and Jane gets out.
Little Jane sits in the front seat, burdened with an
enormous stack of collated and stapled copies. Jane
waves to Charles but he doesn't see her and walks away.
She walks in his direction.
Lydia catches sight of Jane and runs over, squeezing be-
tween two vans.
Little Jane locks her door, in fear of Lydia -- the
strange. Lydia stares at her.
LITTLE JANE
Are you a boy or a girl?
LYDIA
I only speak to vertebrates.
Where's your old lady?
Jane comes up.
JANE
Well there's a Little Deetz at
least. Boy, when you city people
do something, you do it right,
don't you?
LYDIA
What happened to the people who
used to live here?
LITTLE JANE
(ratty little voice)
They drowned!
JANE
Yes, they were my best friends
in all the world. I was
devastated.
(beat)
Here, darling.
Jane hands a key to Lydia.
LYDIA
(impressed)
Is this the key to the attic?
JANE
That's a skeleton key. It'll
open any door in that house. Will
you give it to your father?
(handing her a
business card)
And you might mention that I
single-handedly decorated the
house. In case he needs advice
in that area. Come see me.
Jane goes away. After a few steps, she looks back.
JANE
Are we going to be seeing you at
Miss Shannon's Boarding School?
LYDIA
Yes, but I'm going to live at
home.
JANE
Remind me to talk to your mother
about the dress code.
(walking off)
I'm sure you're going to be very
happy there.
LITTLE JANE
(sarcastically)
You bet! We love new kids.
Jane drives off. Little Jane stares back with her grubby
little grin. Lydia's face sobers as she looks up at the
now empty attic window.
DELIA (O.S.)
Help! Get off me!
Lydia drops the skeleton key into her pocket surreptitiously.
She follows Delia's SHRIEKING.
EXT. HOUSE - DAY
Lydia rounds the corner to see Delia, pinned flat against
the house by one of her horrid steel sculptures. Two
movers are struggling to free her. Lydia snaps a quick
photograph.
They finally free Delia. She clutches at her head, just
short of tearing her hair out.
DELIA
You jerks! That is my art, and
it is dangerous! You think I
want to die like that?
(seeing Lydia)
Lydia. Moving is a family affair.
So buckle down now and go get
Mommy some drugs.
LYDIA
Any particular kind?
DELIA
Joke! Joke! Aspirin! It doesn't
matter what brand.
Lydia walks off toward the house.
INT. ATTIC - DAY
Barbara is half-hiding on the edge of the window.
BARBARA
That little girl saw us.
ADAM
She couldn't have. We can't
make them see us.
BARBARA
But she saw us. I could feel it.
ADAM
(pause, thinking
that over)
That's all we need.
Lydia goes off towards the house. Looks up at the window
again. No one there.
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY
Lydia looks up the stairs at the attic landing. She's a
little scared. She decides to go up the dark stairs.
INT. HALL
At the end of the hall stands Charles, directing men who
are carrying books into the room that will be his study.
Charles sees her.
CHARLES
Where is your mother?
LYDIA
(very quick decisive
delivery)
Stepmother.
(back to regular
speech)
She's out torturing the movers.
CHARLES
Lydia. Try to be civil. I'm
going to see if I can set up a
noise-free zone in the study.
He continues on.
A BLAST of STEAM --
-- fills the hallway, because workmen are already going
at the wallpaper. Lydia emerges from it. Looking up at
stairway to attic. Mounting courage.
INT. STAIRCASE TO ATTIC - DAY
Lydia creeps upward, taking the skeleton key from her
pocket. She stops momentarily when she hears her
father's voice somewhere behind her.
CHARLES (O.S.)
Lydia! Lydia!
Then, when that voice is covered by OTHER SOUNDS of the
MOVING, she continues upward. FLOORBOARDS SQUEAK.
INT. ATTIC - DAY
Adam works on his model. He hears the SQUEAK, looks up
confidently.
ADAM
(whispering)
Don't worry. I've locked it.
INT. ATTIC LANDING
Lydia quietly inserts the key in the lock of the attic
door. She turns it. The key is stiff. She turns
harder. It's stuck. Lydia tries the door -- it's no
go. She turns the key again. This time it goes all
the way around.
INT. ATTIC - DAY
Barbara and Adam, surprised by the key, look at each
other, carefully, very quietly, stand up and tiptoe
toward door.
Suddenly -- on the screen of an old TV set in the corner
of the attic, a ghostly image POPS ON.
ON TV
A bizarre smallish fellow, outfitted in a too-big cowboy
hat, bad wig, and over-sized sunglasses appears on screen
singing very quickly. (It's a heavily disguised
Betelgeuse.)
Behind him the camera quickly pans an assortment of tomb-
stones a la Cal Worthington.
BETELGEUSE
(singing)
Have the living got you down?
Betelgeuse!
Are they jacking you around?
Betelgeuse!
Have you broken out in hives
'cause you're tired of their jive?
I will drive them from your hive...
Betelgeuse!
Camera tilts down a flashing tombstone with "BETELGEUSE"
written on it.
ADAM
rushes over to shut it off. He can't find a plug. He
looks around behind set... no workings inside at all.
He peers around to the screen. It is blank. Suddenly
Betelgeuse POPS ON AGAIN.
BETELGEUSE
Say it once... Betelgeuse
Say it twice... Betelgeuse.
The third time's a charm...
Betelgeuse!
Come on down!
He POPS OFF. Adam and Barbara stare at each other.
INT. LANDING - DAY
Lydia listens. Did she hear something? She puts her
hand on the knob and tries to turn it. It's stuck.
Then the key eerily pops out of the lock and falls on
floor.
Charles' head suddenly appears behind her. Scares her.
CHARLES
What are you doing?
INT. ATTIC
Adam is holding on tight to the knob of the door. With
her knitting needle, Barbara has poked the key out. The
two stand absolutely still, listening, terrified of the
living intruders.
INT. ATTIC LANDING - LYDIA AND CHARLES
LYDIA
I was just trying to open the
door. Mrs. Butterfield brought
over a skeleton key.
CHARLES
Let me have it.
INT. ATTIC - DAY
Barbara and Adam tighten.
ON LANDING
LYDIA
But it doesn't work.
She hands her father the key. He looks at it and throws
it in the corner.
CHARLES
Skeleton keys never work. Anyway,
this can wait. We'll get a crowbar
later. Your mother...
LYDIA
(very quick decisive
delivery)
Stepmother.
CHARLES
... asked you for something,
didn't she? I'm going down to
relax. I want a noise-free zone.
Do you understand? Noise free.
He goes down the stairs.
LYDIA
Dad?
He continues.
CHARLES
(irritated, over
his shoulder)
What?
LYDIA
I'm lonely.
A BLAST of STEAM from below drowns out her words.
Charles stops and turns around. The blast stops.
CHARLES
What?
EXT. YARD AND BARN
Delia comes out of the barn, tearing her hair. She
screams up at the house.
DELIA
Where are my drugs?
TIGHT ON LYDIA
She is resolved.
LYDIA
Nothing.
Charles continues. She begins to follow slowly.
ON KEY
Behind Lydia, Adam rushes out the door, grabs the key
and rushes back in again. Lydia hears something but
doesn't see.
INT. ATTIC
Barbara and Adam have moved away from the door.
ADAM
There's nothing we can do. It's
just a matter of time before they
unlock this room. There goes my
model. There goes our last
refuge.
BARBARA
We're not going to wait here like
cornered animals. I can tell you
that. We need help. I'm going
to talk to that little girl.
ADAM
What about this Beetle guy?
BARBARA
We don't know who he is...
(thinking)
... I'm going to talk to that
little girl.
ADAM
Are you crazy? She can't hear
you.
BARBARA
I don't know... what are you
looking up?
ADAM
(looking through
the handbook)
We need some help. I found
something this morning. Here.
Emergencies.
(reads)
'In case of emergency, draw door.'
BARBARA
Draw door? I don't know why we
keep looking in that stupid
book.
Adam takes a piece of chalk and draws a little door on
the exposed brick of the chimney.
BARBARA
You don't actually think this
is going to work?
Adam draws a doorknob. Then he tries to turn it. The
door, perhaps to his surprise, fails to open.
BARBARA
Yet another triumph for Adam
and Barbara in the afterlife.
ADAM
Wait.
He looks at book, then writes on the door: KNOCK AND
ENTER. He exchanges a glance with Barbara. She's even
more skeptical than before. Turns away in disgust.
Adam knocks on the door, and turns the knob. Nothing.
She is more disgusted. Adam goes back to the book.
ADAM
Aha! Knock three times.
He knocks three times. Turns knob. The chalked door
swings magnificently open.
Behind is an eerie light source, SOARING MUSIC, maybe
even a heavenly choir singing pear-shaped syllables.
Barbara and Adam look at one another again. They hold
hands and step tentatively through.
Their figures are lost in the blinding light.
They start to shut door after them.
ON ATTIC LANDING
Lydia is staring at the light pouring from under the
attic door. It suddenly goes out.
ON LYDIA
She is dumbfounded. She listens.
INT. ATTIC - DAY
Deserted silence. Just the chalkmarked door.
ON LANDING
Lydia speeds down the steps.
INT. CHARLES' STUDY - DAY
Charles, fiercely intent on relaxing, paces like a
catfish out of water. Ralph Lauren in K-mart. He
stretches. He sits uneasily in an easy chair, tries
like hell to get comfortable. Finally, he puts a book
under his bottom to get sitting straight. Looks around
tapping his fingers. What to do? Looks at watch.
He takes down a book from Adam's library, it is an
Audubon book of birds. He whips through it like it's
the comics and then looks around for more.
He finds the Illustrated Walden by Thoreau. He speed
reads it.
He is now really bored. Goes to the fireplace, tries to
light it. Cannot do it. Goes to desk and writes.
OTHO-INSTALL GAS FIRE LOGS IN
STUDY.
He studies bird posters. Finds beautiful cardinal
picture.
Takes field glasses and looks out window.
HIS POV
Spies big ugly-looking ratty bird.
ON CHARLES
Horrified. Wrinkles his nose.
Lydia enters. He jumps.
CHARLES
Jesus Christ!
Lydia is shocked.
CHARLES
Darling, can't you see I'm relaxing
in here!
LYDIA
Well I just wanted to tell you
what I saw.
CHARLES
Lydia. What the hell is the point
of my moving up here if you people
won't let me relax? Go help your
mother.
Charles returns to field glasses, spies something. She
looks at him in frustration.
LYDIA
(on her way out)
Fine. Maybe you can relax in a
haunted house. But I can't.
She exits. Charles peers after her, brow furrowed.
Looks out again at the village. Uses his field glasses
to get a better look.
HIS POV
It is the Bozman Building. Ernie is out front polishing
the brass lion.
ON CHARLES
He thinks. Moves the field glasses to punctuate his
discovery of the building. (His eyes never leave field
glasses throughout the following.)
CHARLES
Nice building... Bad paint.
Good lines... bad roof.
Good parking... hmmm???
That really registers with him. Without looking he dials
a familiar number on the phone with one hand, lifts the
receiver. He clacks his teeth together purposefully.
SECRETARY (V.O.)
Botco International.
CHARLES
Yes, I'd like to speak with Maxie
Dean.
SECRETARY (V.O.)
He's not in right now.
CHARLES
Well tell him that Charles Deetz
called.
He hangs up and continues to spy on Bozman Building.
Clacks his teeth.
CHARLES
My God what I could do with that
parking.
DISSOLVE TO:
TIGHT - BARBARA AND ADAM
Very still, they look cautiously to the right and left
-- just with their eyes. They're astounded by what
they see, though we don't yet see it.
ADAM
... Not what I expected when we
walked through that door.
BARBARA
No. But it's somewhere without
big worms.
CAMERA DRAWS BACK and we find that Adam and Barbara are
in:
INT. WAITING ROOM - DAY
The most unpleasant waiting room that you ever remember
waiting in. Fifties furniture with broken legs, couches
propped up on telephone books. Standing ashtrays with
dirty sand. Linoleum floors patched a hundred times.
National Geographics with the covers torn off. The "Take
a number" registers in the millions.
As the CAMERA COMPLETES A CIRCLE of the room, we see a
RECEPTIONIST. She's the quintessential 50's receptionist
-- tight sweater, bullet-breasted bra, bleached hair, red
lipstick. She's wearing a ribbon across her breast reading
"MISS ARGENTINA" and there are knife slashes across
both wrists.
RECEPTIONIST
You don't have an appointment, do
you?
ADAM
W... We didn't know how to make
one.
BARBARA
An appointment for what?
RECEPTIONIST
What do you want?
BARBARA
We need some help.
RECEPTIONIST
Already? You just bit the big
one nine months ago and you want
help?
ADAM
Nine months? What difference
does that make?
RECEPTIONIST
(shrugging)
Good luck. You're going to use
up all your help vouchers.
ADAM
Help vouchers?
RECEPTIONIST
D-90's. You spend a hundred
and twenty-five years on earth,
actually, in that house, during
which you get only three class-
one D-90 intercessions with Juno.
You probably haven't even read
through the manual completely
yet.
BARBARA
Why three?
The Receptionist holds up both hands, each of which have
only three fingers on them.
RECEPTIONIST
Rule Number Three. Everything
comes in threes. You'll have
to wait if you don't have an
appointment.
BARBARA
How long do we have to wait?
ADAM
Wait for who?
RECEPTIONIST
For Juno, your caseworker. Not
that it matters to your type. But
there are all these other people
here ahead of you. I'd say three
hours.
The waiting room is now filled with people. Dead people,
some in fairly awful states. A cornucopia of carnal
shreddage.
Adam and Barbara look around for a moment, then very
quietly, they reach out to grasp hands.
RECEPTIONIST
Number 54 million, six hundred
one. Ferndock.
CAMERA PUSHES IN CLOSE.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. ATTIC LANDING - DAY
Lydia kneels down with a screwdriver, a nail file, an
ice pick, and a credit card. She inserts nail file into
the door. She struggles, and after several attempts --
finally uses the ice pick and POP! The door swings open
ominously.
INT. ATTIC - DAY
Lydia enters. The room is dim, and filled with dust
motes. There are shadows in all the corners.
She bumps into a switch which engages the model sun and
moon and that eerily illuminates the model town. She's
frightened, then entranced.
She peers at it from different angles, her fear for-
gotten. She notes small tools scattered around an un-
finished area. She continues around the model, oblivious
to everything else. Then...
A LOUD CRASH --
She whirls around, barely stifling a scream. It was only
a pushbroom that she knocked from its hook on the wall.
Recovering, she kicks something. Ducks under the table
and comes up with something, holds it up to the light.
It's the handbook. She looks through it. Finds the
marked page... looks at the chalk door.
INT. OFFICE - DAY
Barbara and Adam are still holding hands, as if they
hadn't moved. Like waiting for an IRS audit.
BARBARA
(to Adam)
Is this what happens when you die?
The Receptionist overhears. She points at Barbara.
RECEPTIONIST
This is what happens when YOU die!
(points to another
corpse)
That is what happens when HE dies.
That is what happens when THEY
die. It's highly personal. And
I'll tell you something... if I
knew then what I know now... I
wouldn't have had my little
'accident'!
She holds up her wrists and smiling at her little joke,
wriggles them indicating her slashes.
OTHER CORPSES
(all together)
Amen!
Barbara and Adam look at them. Corpses resume doing
what they were doing. A GRINDING NOISE O.S. -- the
Receptionist looks up.
Barbara and Adam also look O.S.
THEIR POV
A message delivery WIRE GRINDS along LOUDLY on a pulley.
The actual message is held in the hand of THE MESSENGER,
a flattened corpse, suspended as if a shirt on a clothes-
line, tire marks on his face and clothing. A major
roadkill. Dust and gravel ground into him.
BACK TO SCENE
He smiles wanly at Barbara and Adam as the Receptionist
takes a message on a piece of paper and reads it.
RECEPTIONIST
Maitland, party of two! Take
your handbook and go to the
sixth door.
Barbara and Adam upset at the loss of their handbook...
BARBARA
We forgot our handbook.
CUT TO:
INT. ATTIC - DAY
Lydia is studying the handbook with intense interest.
CHARLES (O.S.)
(from distant
downstairs)
Lydia, Delia needs your help!
Lydia gives one more look at the book, and then goes to
the door quickly and silently.
CHARLES (O.S.)
Right now, Delia says!
INT. OFFICE - DAY
RECEPTIONIST
(shaking her head
in disgust)
Out that way, through the typing
pool, down the corridor, sixth
door on your left. Sixth door.
Two threes.
(shaking her head)
Airhead.
Adam and Barbara walk through a door.
INT. TYPING POOL - DAY
A vast room of desks arranged in a grid, straight out of
How To Succeed In Business... Each desk is occupied, too,
but most of the secretaries are merely skeletons, or
mouldering corpses slumped over their typewriters.
Only one secretary, somewhere in the vast grid, is typing
slowly, with long pauses between words.
The Messenger on his return trip, parallels Barbara and
Adam as they walk along. Barbara can't look at him.
MESSENGER
How do I look? There're no
mirrors on this side.
ADAM
(trying to be
pleasant)
Fine, you look fine.
MESSENGER
Thanks. I've been feeling a
little flat.
He goes back through the very very narrow slot in the
wall where the line runs. Adam and Barbara look to the
right and left. A vast stack of files slips off a desk
and spills out onto the floor.
Barbara and Adam enter corridor.
INT. CORRIDOR - DAY
Empty, like a hotel corridor, but all the doors are of
different types -- a revolving door, a dutch door, church
doors. They walk past a waist-high window, covered by a
roll-up shade.
BARBARA
A hundred twenty-five years!
I can't believe it. I can't
believe they didn't tell us.
She bumps into the SHADE and it rolls up FLAPPING. She
stares in through the window. Adam peers in, too.
THEIR POV
A smouldering, mist-filled room. From the smoky plasma
floats an occasional tortured soul. Unspeakably SAD
MUSIC wafts from within. They get only a glimpse of
the bodies in this horrible human soup.
BACK TO SCENE
BARBARA
Adam, look at this.
Suddenly, floating up from below, immediately on the
other side of the window, a white-crepe face emerges.
It seems to be that of a woman, her eyes are red and
blue tears rim them. Her pale skin is covered with a
flaking crust of salt. She wears the saddest look ever.
Her mouth opens plaintively but no sound comes.
BARBARA
Oh, Adam... what is this?
A reflection joins them on their side of the window.
A SINISTER LITTLE JANITOR -- wizened and efficient,
pulls the shade down firmly.
SINISTER MAN
That's the lost souls room. A
room for ghosts who have been
exorcised. Poor devils. That's
death for the dead. It's all in
the handbook. Keep moving.
The man scuttles off. Adam and Barbara walk on sadly,
until they come to a door that looks exactly like the
swinging door between the kitchen and dining room of
their house.
ADAM
This is it... the sixth door.
Puzzled -- Barbara pushes it.
INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
Everything is dark, quiet -- but the furniture is obvi-
ously not theirs, and neither is the decoration. Adam
and Barbara exchange glances, and push on through into
the living room.
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Quiet, dark. Everyone's asleep.
ADAM
My God, we're back where we
started.
BARBARA
Look at this, everything is
different down here. All our
furniture is gone.
ADAM
How long do you suppose we were
waiting?
JUNO
Three months.
A spot comes on, revealing JUNO -- their case worker.
She's an older woman, no nonsense about her. Overdressed
in an outfit that includes a blouse with ruffled cuffs.
We will at some point catch a glimpse of her slashed
throat -- She smokes heavily. Occasionaly smoke puffs
from her cut throat.
JUNO
I'd nearly given up on you. I
was about to leave. I do have
other clients.
BARBARA
Are you Juno, our case worker?
JUNO
Yes. I evaluate individual cases
and determine if help is needed,
deserved, and available.
BARBARA
We need help. We deserve help.
ADAM
Are you available?
JUNO
No.
(beat)
What's wrong?
BARBARA
We're very unhappy.
JUNO
What do you expect? You're dead.
ADAM
We'd like some help in getting
rid of the people who moved in
here. Barbara and I worked very
hard on this house.
BARBARA
We probably wouldn't mind sharing
the house with people who were --
JUNO
-- Like you used to be?
BARBARA
Yes.
ADAM
But these people --
He indicates a particularly bad piece of Delia's sculpture.
Juno walks around it shaking her head.
The following conversation takes place as Barbara and
Adam follow Juno as she looks around the house and ends
up in their attic space. They walk through doors, survey
the Deetzes on the way.
JUNO
Hell is other people. You
obviously don't read much.
Besides things seem pretty quiet
here. You should thank God you
didn't die in Italy.
(checking the file)
The Deetzes. Okay. Have you
been studying the manual?
ADAM
We tried.
JUNO
The Intermediate Interface chapter
on Haunting says it all. Get 'em
out yourself. It's your house.
Haunted houses don't come easy.
BARBARA
We don't quite get it.
Juno's WATCH BUZZES, she stops it.
JUNO
I heard.
(refers to her file)
Tore your face right off! Bad
news. It obviously doesn't do
any good to pull your heads off
in front of people if they can't
see you.
ADAM
We have to start simpler, is
that it?
JUNO
Start simply. Do what you know.
Use your talents. Practice. We
only help those who help themselves.
Just do a little at a time. And
of course, practice, practice,
practice. It's tricky but -- you
weren't murderers by any chance,
were you?
BARBARA
No.
JUNO
Pity. Murderers seem to have an
easy time of it. Just look at
Amityville.
(reminiscing)
He was one of my boys. Didn't
have to give that one any lessons.
From day one... But I must be off
... I've got a planeload of
football players crashed in the
midwest... they need a lot of help,
just with the basics.
Points at her head indicating dumbness.
BARBARA
If... we have trouble. What about
the guy in the flyer? Betelge...
JUNO
(quickly interrupting
her)
No. You don't want his help.
Adam and Barbara look at each other. Puzzled.
ADAM & BARBARA
Well... We might...
INT. ATTIC - NIGHT
Juno peers into the model cemetery with interest. A FLY
BUZZES around her. Juno blows it away. Fly flees.
JUNO
No, you don't! He does not work
well with others.
BARBARA
What do you mean? What's he do?
JUNO
He's a freelance bio-exorcist.
Claims to get rid of the living.
But he's a troublemaker. He's
pushy. He's been sleazing around
that cemetery for 500 years.
BARBARA
Our cemetery?
JUNO
Yeah.
(looking around)
He still tries popping up all
over the place. But he can't join
the party unless you call on him.
(stronger)
Get the Deetzes out by yourselves!
I gotta go.
She sucks on cigarette and smoke billows out the hole in
her throat. Juno starts to fade.
BARBARA
(persistently)
But what if we do need this
Betelgeuse?
Juno fades.
JUNO
(angrily)
Don't say his name! Just practice.
Do it yourself!
ADAM
And if we need you again, how do
we...?
He turns around but Juno is gone. Barbara goes to the
model, looks at the cemetery.
BARBARA
That guy is in our cemetery. Oh,
Adam.
ADAM
(holds her shoulders,
calms her)
Look, she's right. We'll just
start simple, honey, be tougher.
I feel... confident. C'mon.
They exit.
CAMERA FOLLOWS action -- OVER the model -- the FLY BUZZES.
It lands and crawls along into the model of the cemetery.
CLOSEUP - FLY
Now large scale, crawls past gravestones marked Johnson,
Burton, Olson, and Lee, finally to a crooked gravestone
overgrown with ivy.
The Fly, resplendently green and iridescent, pauses and
fiddles with its hairy parts. Starts to walk by.
VOICE (O.S.)
Pssstt! Over here!
Fly stops. Tilts its multi-eyed head.
ANOTHER ANGLE
Two hands come up from the earth of that grave. White
gloves holding a golden, dripping comb of honey.
VOICE (O.S.)
I can't use this. You should
have it. Flies get so little
respect anymore.
The flattered Fly walks over to the grave. In a flash
-- the hands grab the struggling Fly and dance it like
a doll over the grave and then pull it into the earth.
FLY
Buzzz!
(turns into)
Hellp me! Hellp me!
A MANIACAL LAUGH grows from the grave. WIND BLOWS as
the Fly disappears. Ivy whips away from the gravestone.
We see, for the first time, the chiseled name:
BETELGEUSE
CLAP of THUNDER.
INT. CHARLES' STUDY - NIGHT
Charles is on the phone. He has drawings laid out in
front of him. He is at his most urban persuasive.
CHARLES
Maxie, have I not always made
you money? I think that is the
only real question here.
INT. MAXIE'S OFFICE - NIGHT
New York office, cool design, black couch, and MAXIE
DEAN, a 55-year-old, super tan, white-haired wheeler
dealer.
Sign says: CHAIRMAN OF BOTCO INDUSTRIES. Maxie looks
rich and he looks cool as he talks to Charles. Behind
him -- Sarah, his rich-looking blonde wife, is looking
at herself in a mirror.
MAXIE
Well, Charles -- no one has made
me money like you. Until your
nerves went, you were a demon.
It is just that... Winter River,
Connecticut is, you'll forgive me
-- no fucking where. Why would I
invest that kind of money to buy
an old building way the hell up
there?
INTERCUT conversation.
CHARLES
Not a building! That's the beauty
of it. I think I can buy the
whole town. These people don't
know the value of their property!
MAXIE
Then we own a whole town full of
nowhere.
CHARLES
No, no, c'mon, Max, you know me.
I've got plans. You gotta come
up here and see, then I'll tell
you about it.
Maxie isn't much interested.
MAXIE
Well, sure, Charles, but I am
busy here... you know how it was
when you were active.
This burns Charles. But he swallows it. He hears
something in the corridor outside -- a kind of LOW
MOANING.
CHARLES
(into telephone)
Just a minute, Maxie. Somebody...
MAXIE
No listen... we'll talk about
this visiting later, I gotta go,
I gotta meeting on the Japanese
joint venture.
CHARLES
(torn between the
moaning and Maxie)
Great idea, Maxie! Those Japanese
could run it for us. Build them a
dormitory in the woods. Listen,
think right about it, will you?
We've almost got the house ready,
you bring Sarah with you and I'll
show you.
MAXIE
Yeah yeah, we'll think on it.
'Bye ya, Charles. You relax up
there, ya hear?
Maxie hangs up. Shakes his head.
MAXIE
Putz! Winter River? My ass.
INT. CHARLES' STUDY - NIGHT
Charles hangs up frustrated. MOANING INCREASES. He
goes to the door and flings it open.
A figure is right there in the doorway -- A ghost under
a sheet. But a "designer" sheet. He flails away like a
banshee. Eyeholes cut in sheets, Charles jumps --
recovers.
CHARLES
Oh, Jesus, Lydia! Is Connecticut
so boring that you have to think
up shit like this?
ON BARBARA
She stands back away from the door observing skeptically.
CHARLES
I had Maxie Dean on the phone!
Darling, Dad's found a way to
make some money here while I
relax, so scram!
He slams the door, turns around. Then turns around
again, and jerks the door open. The ghost is retreat-
ing, beaten.
CHARLES
And your mother is going to kill
you when she sees that you cut
holes in her $300 sheets. You
provoke her, you know. I mean
she can be an unreasonable bitch.
But you do provoke her.
He slams the door again.
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT
Adam helps Barbara on with her sheet.
BARBARA
God, this is so corny. Have we
been reduced to this? Sheets?
ADAM
Think of them as death shrouds.
And the moaning is important.
Really moan!
(imitating Juno)
Practice, practice, practice.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
TELEVISION still going, Delia asleep with curlers.
Adam and Barbara glide inside, go over and stand
beside the bed.
ADAM
Deep breath... and...
INT. LYDIA'S ROOM - NIGHT
She has her ever-present camera around her neck. Sud-
denly hears MOANS from her parents' room. Thinking it
is sexual. She cringes. Covers her ears.
LYDIA
Gross! How can he stand that
woman?
(louder)
Hey, cut it out! I'm a child!
For God sakes!
The NOISE gets weirder. Lydia gets interested.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
Adam and Barbara moan and groan. Delia doesn't stir.
BARBARA
I feel really stupid.
ADAM
It's not stupid. We're ghosts.
Do you want this woman for
breakfast for 125 years? Moan
louder!
Barbara moans louder and more weirdly.
Delia stirs, sits up, but doesn't open her eyes.
Adam and Barbara are excited then... disappointed as
Delia fumbles on the bedside table for the remote control
device, and without opening her eyes, turns OFF the
TELEVISION set. Then she turns over, and is lost to the
world totally.
Barbara sighs. She and Adam walk toward the door. When
they open it, however, Lydia is standing there in her
pajamas -- she snaps a FLASH Polaroid -- and Adam and
Barbara jump backwards with yelps of fright.
LYDIA
Sick! Sexual perversion! Total
gross-out. If you're going to do
weird sexual stuff you ought to
stay in your bedroom, okay? You
want me to be more twisted than I
am? It's so embarrassing.
Lydia starts back into her room. Then looks at the
developing photograph. Something catches her eye.
ON PHOTOGRAPH
Sheets suspended above the floor. No feet.
LYDIA
yelps with fear.
LYDIA
Holy cow! No feet!
She screams. Adam and Barbara scream. Lydia rushes back
toward them, starts FLASHING pictures. Adam and Barbara
run around and are pushed into a corner. Polaroids fly
everywhere.
Lydia runs out of film. She stares at them, panting with
fear. A standoff.
LYDIA
A... Are you the guys who're
hiding out in the attic?
ADAM
(fake terror voice)
We're ghosts.
Barbara moans.
LYDIA
(skeptical, cautious)
W... What do you look like under
there?
Adam and Barbara pull shut bedroom door, go out into the
hall -- as if to keep from waking Delia with their
conversation.
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT
All three stare at each other tentatively.
ADAM
Aren't you scared?
LYDIA
I'm not scared of Ralph Lauren.
Those are sheets. Are you gross
under there? Are you Night of theLiving Dead under there? Like all
bloody veins and pus?
ADAM
What?
LYDIA
Night of the Living Dead? It's
this gross movie.
BARBARA
(pulling off
the sheet)
If I had seen a ghost at your age,
I would have been frightened out
of my wits.
LYDIA
You're not gross. Why were you
wearing a sheet?
BARBARA
We're practicing.
ADAM
You can actually see us? Without
the sheets?
LYDIA
Is this like a trick question?
BARBARA
Tell the truth.
LYDIA
(offended)
I always tell the truth. Of course
I can see you.
ADAM
Nobody else can.
LYDIA
I'm wearing contacts... Also I
read through Handbook for theRecently Deceased. It says that
live people ignore the strange
and unusual... not me... I am
strange and unusual.
BARBARA
(tenderly)
You look like a regular little
girl to me.
Lydia blushes. Barbara smiles warmly. She is beginning
to like Lydia.
ADAM
You read our book? Could you
follow it?
Lydia nods her head.
LYDIA
Why are you creeping around Delia's
bedroom?
ADAM
We were trying to scare your
mother.
LYDIA
Stepmother. I'm very sensitive
about being related to reptiles.
Barbara smiles.
LYDIA
You can't scare her. She's
sleeping with Prince Valium
tonight.
(defiantly)
I stole the key to your attic,
you know.
Adam and Barbara look at each other.
BARBARA
Maybe we better talk.
INT. ATTIC ROOM - NIGHT
Adam's rigged up the moon, and stars, too. Adam and
Barbara and Lydia stand just beyond the fringes of the
town, dimly lighted giants.
LYDIA
You did this? You carved all
these little figures and houses
and things?
ADAM
(pleased)
I certainly did. I'd finish it
too, but... I don't get out much.
LYDIA
And this used to be your house, I
bet. Why do you want to scare
everybody?
ADAM
We want to frighten you away.
(a little
embarrassed)
So that you'll move out.
LYDIA
You don't know the Deetzes very
well, do you? My father bought
this place. He never walks away
from equity. Why don't you
leave?
BARBARA
We can't. We haven't left the
house since the funeral.
LYDIA
Funeral. God, you guys really aredead!
(fascinated)
What was it like? The funeral.
Did you cry?
ADAM
We weren't there. The handbook
says funerals aren't for the dead.
LYDIA
God, if this is true this is like,
amazing! I kinda like it up here.
Can I visit you sometimes?
BARBARA
Well, I don't know... We don't
get many visitors.
ADAM
Where are your skulls and bones?
BARBARA
(looking at her
pajamas)
You know you're really a pretty
girl.
Lydia flushes.
LYDIA
(defensive)
I don't wear that stuff to bed.
Besides, there's nothing wrong
with it. I'm getting out of here.
BARBARA
Wait... I don't think it would be
a very good idea if you told your
parents that we're up here.
ADAM
Unless you think it would scare
them off.
Lydia hurumphs! Starts to exit.
ADAM
You tell them that we are desperate
horrible ghoulish creatures who
will stop at nothing to get back
our house.
LYDIA
(looks him up
and down)
Wait a minute. I had some licorice
ice cream earlier. You guys could
be gas. What if... I'm dreaming.
Can you do any neat tricks to
prove you're not gas?
Barbara shakes her head, a little ashamed.
LYDIA
Well, if you are real ghosts you
better get another routine, those
sheets suck!
She sneaks a smile at Barbara and exits.
EXT. HOUSE - DAY
A big ugly machine is doing something unnecessary to the
yard.
INT. BASEMENT - DAY
Shadowed. Potentially filled with terror as are all
basements in horror movies. CAMERA MOVES OVER TO a
little shed-like room in the corner. Noise of FAST-
TICKING CLOCK.
INT. DARKROOM - DAY
The FAST-TICKING CLOCK is a timer. Lydia is making
Polaroid enlargements. She's quick and expert at this.
She's examining a print with a magnifying glass.
INT. UPSTAIRS BATHROOM - DAY
Delia shrieks. Going through the dirty clothes, she's
just come across the sheets with the eye holes cut in
them.
DELIA
Lydia! Lydia! My hands are
shredded from doing the laundry,
and now I have to deal with your
vandalism!
INT. DARKROOM - DAY
A photograph coming up in the developing tank -- the
ghosts in the hallway.
LYDIA
(hearing a commotion
from Delia)
Oh my God... the sheets!
INT. DOWNSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY
Lydia, pounding up from the basement with the wet print,
collides with Delia, rushing down from the second floor
with the scissored sheets.
DELIA
Lydia, honest to God, I'm going
to kill you. I'm having a party
tonight. I'm cooking, I can't get
servants. Do I need angst? No,
I certainly do not!
Lydia speeds by her.
DELIA
You owe me three-hundred bucks,
Lydia! Don't go running to your
father, you worm.
INT. CHARLES' OFFICE - DAY
Lydia rushes in. Charles is working furiously on a word
processor, amidst an array of maps and plans.
LYDIA
Dad. Do you believe me?
CHARLES
Yes. Except when you creep around
in your mother's --
LYDIA
Stepmother's...
CHARLES
... sheets.
LYDIA
Well this is... I mean, this is
the weirdest --
CHARLES
Lydia, I don't know what it is
with you and these pratical jokes,
but --
LYDIA
This is not a joke! That sheet
was full of ghosts.
She hands him the photo. He looks. Lydia points out...
LYDIA
No feet.
Charles laughs a fatherly, patronizing, but affectionate
laugh and cuffs Lydia lightly. He laughs louder as he
looks at photo again.
LYDIA
You don't believe me. That sheet
was full of ghosts. They live
here.
Charles begins to scroll through a computer program.
CHARLES
(dismissing it)
That's air-brushing! Now would
you please -- I'll tell you what
... I know! You're bored, right?
You take that camera and your bike
and photograph every building
downtown. Don't tell anyone what
it's for...
(handing her a wad
of bills)
Here, take some cash and go do it.
How's that? You want to stretch,
don't you?
Lydia exits, with determination. Charles looks up on the
wall and runs his finger over a plat map of Winter River,
just like Adam's in the attic.
CHARLES
Look at the size of these lots...
Adam peers at the map, puzzled.
ADAM
What is this guy doing?
Barbara follows Lydia out. Adam thinks, intrigued.
Exits.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Delia is frantically preparing for the evening's dinner
party. Lydia is very much in her way, trying to show her
the photographs. Delia isn't looking at them.
DELIA
I can't believe you are doing this
to me! Ghosts. I am giving a
dinner party for seven people
tonight. Otho has agreed to come
back for the demolition of the
attic. My agent, Bernard, is
bringing some woman who writes for
Architectural Digest. In fact, no
one here tonight has not been in
Vanity Fair. Except you.
LYDIA
(resigned)
I told them you were too mean to
be afraid.
DELIA
Don't you dare talk to others
about me. I'm an artist! The
only thing that scares me is being
embarrassed in front of my
friends. Do you know how hard it
is to get civilized people to set
foot in this part of Connecticut?
Not a solitary word of this
pubescent tripe to anyone.
Lydia exits angrily.
CAMERA HINGES. Barbara is watching, horrified at Delia's
occupation of her (Barbara's) kitchen. Adam appears.
BARBARA
Lydia's trying, but they don't
believe her.
ADAM
She's got photos, Barbara.
BARBARA
Adam, you had a photo of Big Foot!
ADAM
This is different. Eventually
she'll take someone to the attic.
And then what? We've got to try
to contact this guy Betelmyer.
We gotta get some help, hon.
INT. ATTIC ROOM - DAY (LATER)
Adam looks intently through the book. Barbara is staring
at the cemetery with his magnifying glass.
REVERSE ANGLE ON HER MAGNIFIED EYES
BARBARA
Did you copy these gravestones
right, Adam?
ADAM (O.S.)
Of course I did.
BARBARA
Then it should be here.
BACK TO SCENE
She searches the tiny graves.
BARBARA
Burton, Lee, Bozman. Wait.
She takes a tweezer and moves some ivy on the Betelgeuse
grave. Adam approaches.
BARBARA
(very excited)
Here's something.
ADAM
I didn't do that one... Hmmm.
BARBARA
... Yes this must be him. Look...
Betelgeuse... Betelgeuse...
She looks at Adam, "should I?" Adam chews his lip
thoughtfully.
ADAM
Go ahead... third time's a charm.
BARBARA
(after a deep breath)
Betelgeuse!
Zap! They are transported into the model-graveyard.
EXT. INSIDE MODEL GRAVEYARD - NIGHT
WIND BLOWS -- with shovels and lanterns, Adam and Barbara
are unlikely gravediggers.
The mechanized clouds move in the sky across the
mechanical moon, throwing weird shadows everywhere.
Ground fog creeps slowly along the graves. It is
so eerie.
BARBARA
What happened?
ADAM
Three times. Powerful number.
BARBARA
(standing in front
of grave)
Bet... el... geuse. What an
awful name. I thought it was
like -- you know. The juice of
beetles.
Adam cringes too.
BARBARA
Where is he? What do we do?
Adam looks down at the grave. Knocks on the stone.
Nothing.
ADAM
Has anything been simple so far?
From the look of the shovel, we
dig.
BARBARA
Oh, Adam. I don't have gloves. My
nails keep getting longer. I'll
break them.
Hands her a shovel anyway. She digs.
EXT. INSIDE MODEL GRAVEYARD - NIGHT (LATER)
They're almost down six feet. By now they are both
almost out of sight in the grave. Inside the grave,
Adam suddenly hits wood.
BARBARA
It's about time.
They lean down and brush dirt off a brass plate coffin.
"BETELGEUSE"
ADAM
I guess we open it.
BARBARA
Maybe we should knock first?
A slight TREMOR shakes them. They look at each other and
try to scramble from the grave.
TOPSIDE
They just barely crawl out when a mouldering corpse
springs out of the grave and jumps on Barbara's back, and
plants a thousand-year-old kiss on her lips. She screams
and burbles. Adam pulls the corpse off her back. The
corpse does a Three Stooges hammer on Adam's head. Adam
staggers backward, unhurt but shocked. All three stop.
Something unreal about the corpse, almost mechanical.
Then the corpse, grinning insanely at them, flies straight
up into the air over their heads. He crashes against the
tombstone...
And Adam and Barbara see the corpse is only a huge mari-
onette on a string and pole. A LAUGH comes from behind
the gravestone.
And out steps the puppeteer, Betelgeuse. He is small and
wiry, with vaguely middle-eastern features. This is one
slippery customer. Betelgeuse speaks in a rapid polyglot,
choosing words and phrases from every slang in the
world. Barbara is mighty uneasy.
BETELGEUSE
All right. Who are you?
BARBARA
We're...
BETELGEUSE
You're the dead.
ADAM
Aren't you dead?
BETELGEUSE
Hell no! I'm rolling. I'm a
businessman. I'm the man what am.
Beeetel Jooose! Who do I gotta
kill?
ADAM
You don't kill anyone.
BARBARA
Just get some people out of our
house.
BETELGEUSE
Bio-busting. I loves bio-busting.
Who do I gotta kill? Family --
right? Obnoxious I bet.
(contorting face)
Mommie, daddy, piglets.
BARBARA
Just one daughter.
BETELGEUSE
Hey you've been on Saturn!
(brushing yellow
dust off her)
I hate those sandworms! Yecchhh!
I've lost a lot of buddies to
sandworms.
(back to work)
So a daughter? She got good legs?
God I love a young leg.
Air blows up Barbara's dress, exposing her legs. He
leers.
BARBARA
She's only fourteen...
ADAM
... acts like she's thirty-five.
BETELGEUSE
(rubbing hands)
How does she feel about short old
men with dirty ears?
Barbara is grossed out and increasingly uneasy. Beetle
Juice senses it and gets back to business.
BETELGEUSE
So you, the dead, want me, theundead, to throw the live guys --
Mommie, Daddy and Lolita, who
might not mind a tumble with an
older guy, out into the cold?
Even though they have paid hard
casharoonie for your dump?
ADAM
But... the Deetzes are destroying
our house.
BETELGEUSE
(scolding sarcasm)
You Maitlands are the backbone of
the afterlife. So what's my cut?
ADAM
Can you scare them off?
Beetle Juice looks offended.
BETELGEUSE
Me scary? You betcha bootie!
He swirls his face and shoulders into a horrifying image.
Pleased, he laughs at himself.
BARBARA
(decisively)
Honey. Let's go.
ADAM
Go? What d'ya mean? We need
help.
BARBARA
No, we don't. We can work
something out ourselves. We just
have to try harder.
BETELGEUSE
Hold on. Let's not be squeamish,
missy. You rang my bell, you
gotta lick the pump. I'm rolling!
Barbara grabs Adam. Betelgeuse is getting mad. He
changes colors a couple times. Not pretty.
BETELGEUSE
Folks, be reasonable here. I'm at
your service. You be the judge.
I'm a harmless guy. Try me.
BARBARA
Home. Home. Home!
Zap. They are gone. Betelgeuse is furious.
BETELGEUSE
You fresh corpse creeps! Who do
you think you are? ... Walking
away from a professional?
He walks to a tree and kicks it hard. The whole huge
tree falls, KABLOOM!
INT. ATTIC - DAY
A small tree falls in the model. Adam, across the room,
walks over and straightens it. Peers down at graves.
All are covered and straight. He looks at Barbara who is
poring over the handbook. Making notes. Counting out
procedures.
ADAM
Honey, I think that was a mistake.
BARBARA
I am not going to expose that
little girl to that... pervert
down there.
ADAM
But we let him out.
BARBARA
I don't care, I've changed my
mind. ... I feel really
confident. We're getting better
at this stuff. We can scare them
off ourselves -- tonight! I've
got an idea. You're going to
love it... I'm going to hate it.
Adam turns to look down at the model again. Straightens
the tree. Turns away. We can see a tiny light moving
through the tiny model forest towards the house.
ADAM (V.O.)
Okay. But that Betelgeuse sure
seemed mad.
BETELGEUSE (V.O.)
(singing)
Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I
go!
INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
Dinner for seven, as promised. Everything looks very
nice. Deetzes are in control and in their element; The
element is neurotic-chic.
Some of the guests are affecting distaste for having had
to make the long drive to Connecticut. There's a bitchy
feud going on between GRACE, the Art In America writer,
and BERNARD, Delia's agent, that threatens to become a
full-scale war.
Otho is drunkish and engaged in his third favorite occupation
-- direct attacks on the personal weaknesses of
his friends.
He's singled out his victim, BERYL, the editor for
Ballantine, a frail-looking woman who is dressed
"artistically."
OTHO
(to Beryl)
Well, darling, you can only have
a hysterectomy once, so why don't
you tell us what you really went
into the hospital for last week?
Or dare I ask, is that a nose
'nouveau' ?
Beryl stands to get a drink.
CHARLES
(privately to Otho)
Otho, you've got to help me get
Maxie Dean up here. I have a
deal that could make all of us
very comfortable.
OTHO
He's a cloven-hooved beast!
CHARLES
He's your cousin.
OTHO
I am ashamed to say he is. Look,
nothing short of giving away free
sacks of money would get him up
here, Charles. And Sarah? Forget
it. You can't get her out of
Bergdorf's with plastic
explosives.
DELIA
Let's sit down, everyone.
They do. Beryl returns. Otho smells blood.
OTHO
(still on Beryl's
case)
I just hope it wasn't yet another
of your dreary suicide attempts.
You know what they say about
people who commit suicide. In the
afterlife, they become civil
servants.
BERNARD
Otho! I didn't know you were into
the supernatural?
OTHO
Of course you remember! After my
stint with the living theatre. I
was one of New York City's leading
paranormal researchers until the
bottom dropped out of the business
in '72.
BERYL
(sick to death of
this blowhard)
Paranormal... Is that what they're
calling your kind now?
Lydia watches Otho thoughtfully. Suddenly very curious.
Delia senses that Lydia might talk ghosts here.
DELIA
(a threat; quietly
to Lydia)
Don't you dare.
LYDIA
I saw some ghosts.
All quiet.
DELIA
(interrupting)
Lydia tried to play a most amusing
joke on me this afternoon.
LYDIA
It wasn't a joke.
DELIA
Tried to convince me that this
house is haunted. Kids. Kids.
Kids! I love them.
Otho's glance sharpens at this. Everyone listens.
GRACE
By ghosts?
LYDIA
By what else?
DELIA
(laughing it away)
In sheets yet. Designer sheets.
They --
Charles, seeing things aren't going well for Delia, proposes
a toast.
CHARLES
I propose a toast to our intrepid
friends who braved the expressway
and fourteen toll booths to visit
us. May your buildings go condo.
All lift their wineglasses. All drink. All synchro-
nously spit out their wine. All together now...
EVERYONE
Yechhh!
Charles lifts the wine bottle from the cooler. Disgust
spans the room.
ON BOTTLE
It bears the familiar spread wings of Thunderbird!
BACK TO SCENE
BERYL
Thunderbird wine? My God, Delia,
don't you even have a Safeway up
here?
DELIA
(horrified, but
recovering)
Joke, Joke! Charles get the good
wine and I'll serve the sushi!
It's a joke.
Delia stares a spike through Lydia. Delia and Charles
rush into the kitchen. Otho looks at his glass and peers
at Lydia.
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
Delia rushes to get the sushi. Charles finds some good
wine.
DELIA
(rapidly; furious)
Lydia switched wines. Charles --
if you do not agree right now, to
boarding her out, right now, you can
forget having what you call sex --
ever again in your natural
lifetime.
He nods reluctantly. She rushes back to guests.
INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
Lydia is looking around curiously. Delia and Charles
rush back in with sushi and good wine. Delia pours for
Bernard, the obvious connoisseur. He tastes the wine.
All wait. Is it Kerosene du Pape? He smiles. All smile.
Beryl tastes her sushi and smiles.
BERYL
I'm famished!
DELIA
Isn't that a great grape? So
melodic, exotic,...
Otho is more interested in Lydia's story. He leans
toward her...
OTHO
Now, Lydia... Favor us about your
ghosts.
DELIA
No! Do not encourage this
little... person.
OTHO
Oh, Delia, lighten up!
DELIA
She's been without therapy up
here and I will not allow her to
ruin...
But then... something comes over Delia -- She straightens,
then crouches a little, her hand sweeps across in front
of her, almost mechanically. And then our Delia Deetz,
unable to help herself, leaves the white bread world behind
and possessed, sings in someone else's voice, a rich, NEGRO
TENOR.
DELIA
'If I didn't care, More than
words could say,'
Lydia's eyes widen. MUSIC UP. All the guests are spell-
bound.
Charles, too, has the beat -- The Ink Spots in his eyes,
In a voice not his own.
CHARLES
'If my every prayer, did not
begin and end with just your
name.'
Delia is shocked. She looks at Lydia.
DELIA
For God's sake stop me...
She is cut short by her powerful inspiration.
DELIA
'I could not be true to you
beyond compare.'
Suddenly all the guests, except Lydia, are possessed to
become the chorus. They stand by their chairs, they spin
in perfect Motown choreography.
EVERYONE
(except Lydia)
'Shoo doo wop. Shoo doo wop.'
DELIA
'If I didn't care... for you...'
EVERYONE
'Shoo doo wop. Shoo doo wop,'
A look of sheer delight comes across Lydia's face, unlike
anything we have previously seen. She dances and claps
her hands in time with the music. She is in teen heaven.
NOTE: Delia and the guests are fully aware of their
singing/actions, but helpless to stop themselves. While
it is funny, it is nevertheless just a little frighten-
ing. Lydia excitedly looks around the room to see if she
can see the ghosts. She can't.
Now the song pauses... Everyone tries to recover for a
shocked second. Instead, the tempo changes. As the
tempo quickens, the guest/chorus is syncopated like al-
ternating pistons as they are pushed and pulled into
their chairs. They sing throughout.
Lydia loves it. Suddenly, caught up in the moment, she
rushes to the table and in one swoop, pulls the tablecloth
from under all the plates, revealing the clear glass
top. She is then swept back away from the table. She
giggles with delight at her trick.
LYDIA
Wheeeee!
The song crashes to its end. Bernard looks down at his
sushi. The shrimp draped over the rice roll suddenly
rears up like a hand and, making a tiny fist, grabs his
dangling tie and... smash --
All the guests are punched by sushi, back over their
chairs to the ground. They are stunned. Suddenly, every-
one runs frightened into the next room.
OUTSIDE ATTIC ROOM - NIGHT
Adam and Barbara, with huge smiles on their faces, dance
the bugaloo then hug and kiss on the landing in front of
the attic. Door is open.
TOGETHER
We did it!
ADAM
Let's watch 'em scatter.
INT. ATTIC
They enter the attic and run to the window. Look out
over the front yard.
THEIR POV - YARD
filled with the cars of the guests, as well as Delia and
Charles' vehicles.
ADAM (O.S.)
Any minute now. They'll all run
screaming.
BACK TO SCENE
They wait. Nothing moving outside.
BARBARA
Your Ink Spots were wonderful!
Adam smiles proudly.
ADAM
And your sushi was remarkable.
BARBARA
The sushi? I did the wine.
Didn't you do the sushi?
ADAM
N... No, I just did the Ink
Spots.
BARBARA (V.O.)
Who did the sushi?
Timid KNOCK at the door of the attic.
Barbara glances at Adam. They don't know what to do.
LYDIA (O.S.)
It's me. Lydia.
Adam, puzzled, goes to the door and opens it. Lydia is
standing there, sheepish.
LYDIA
They'd like for you to come
downstairs. Delia says you can
pick any sheets you want.
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
The guests are sitting expectantly. The photographs
are being passed around. Otho thinks that this is the
choicest thing that ever happened to a family. The
wheels are turning in Charles' mind -- he sees a gold-
mine. Everyone speaks at once.
DELIA
It does indicate a marvelously
urbane sense of humor on the part
of these ghosts -- that they
actually appear in sheets!
OTHO
We're dealing with Tracy and
Hepburn here, a very sophisticated
pair. We must protect them,
treat them with respect, nurture
them.
CHARLES
People will pay big money for
this. Right, Grace?
GRACE
(nodding)
Charles, I want to know why you
didn't tell me about this --
DELIA
(now changing her
tune)
We were waiting for proof.
Lydia's photographs...
Charles is scheming.
BERNARD
(skeptical)
What are you all talking about?
We... we just got a little drunk,
that's all.
OTHO
No matter how drunk you get, you
cannot sound like the Ink Spots.
(to Charles)
Charles, this is it! You can get
Maxie Dean up here now.
Charles plots and plans.
OTHO
His wife Sarah loves the
supernatural. I did a reading
for her just last week. Told
her her jowls would tighten
soon. I mean she will make him
sprint up here in his helicopter
if you can produce ghosts for her.
BERYL
The Enquirer has offered fifty
thousand dollars for absolute
proof of life after death. I'll
send them over.
BERNARD
I'm Delia's agent! I've lost
money for years on her work. If
anything actually happened here
I'll handle it, thank you. But
not until I see some real proof.
Lydia appears at the base of the stairs. Everyone stops
squabbling, looks at her expectantly.
LYDIA
They don't want to come down.
OTHO
Why not?
Bernard shakes his head as if all this were an elaborate
hoax. He harumphs!
LYDIA
I think the reason is they were
trying to scare you, and you
didn't get scared --
DELIA
Of course we weren't scared.
(looking around)
Just a little startled. One of
those sushi dropped down my
Kamali.
Bernard is now convinced this whole business was a put-on.
BERNARD
(shaking his head)
Total collective hallucination.
BERYL
I was a little tipsy.
DELIA
This was not a hallucination,
people. This was real, really
totally real.
GRACE
Of course, they were rather
spectacular effects -- for
Connecticut, I mean.
OTHO
All presences have a home space.
A place where they live, so to
speak. Where do they hide out?
LYDIA
(reluctantly)
The attic.
CHARLES
The attic room is locked --
LYDIA
They're ghosts. They do what
they want.
OTHO
Fabulous! Otho Fenlock's 'locked
door' ghosts! Probably committed
suicide up there -- hanging like
beeves from the rafters. I'm
totally enchanted.
Bernard gathers Grace and Beryl and walks out the door.
BERNARD
Delia, you are a flake. You have
always been a flake. I'm packing
up and going back to the tricks
of the city. That I can manage.
If you must frighten people, do it
with your sculpture.
They exit. Delia is horrified and embarrassed.
DELIA
Wait! I'm going to get to the
bottom of this! Lydia, is this
some high-tech trick of yours?
I want you to take us up there,
tout sweet!
INT. LANDING OUTSIDE ATTIC
Delia, Charles, Otho and Lydia creep, creep.
DELIA
(whispering)
Shhh. They're in there? God,
they live like animals. This
is where they've been hiding out?
Lydia nods. Delia suddenly, brashly pounds on the door.
DELIA
(shouting)
All right, you dead people! Come
on out, or we'll break down this
door and drag you out on the ropes
you hanged yourself with!
LYDIA
Shhhh. They didn't commit
suicide.
DELIA
It doesn't matter. What matters
is I've got a roomful of guests
down there, who think I'm a fraud.
(to Lydia)
I am going to teach you something
here Lydia. You've got to take
the right tone in things like this,
or people -- whether they're dead
or alive -- people will walk all
over you.
(loud)
Come on out, or I will make death
so miserable that you will wish
you had never lived!
Delia pounds on door, which opens with an eerie CREAK.
INT. ATTIC - DAY
Lydia is pushed in first. She looks around. Delia,
Charles and Otho come in next, carefully. One by one
they straighten up and look around.
DELIA
(whisper)
So where are they, Lydia?
Lydia shrugs, looks around.
CHARLES
(offhandedly)
Answer your mother.
LYDIA
Listen, you guys. These ghosts are
really nice people. I think we
scared them off. Let's just leave
them alone. Okay?
Charles is suddenly transfixed. He stares at the model.
CHARLES
It's the whole damn town.
They gather around. Lydia is a little sad as she looks at
the empty room and the model.
OTHO
Look at that detail!
DELIA
Look at the tiny figures.
CHARLES
Look at all that parking!
LYDIA
Come on. Leave their stuff alone.
OTHO
They're not here, Lydia?
She shakes her head. Otho spots the handbook. Palms it.
DELIA
I have never been so
embarrassed... They haven't
gone for good, have they?
Delia is suddenly out the door, urging them all outside.
DELIA
Everyone out of there. If
they're in there somewhere, I
don't want to scare them away.
Come on now, stay out of there.
We've got work to do.
Otho pockets the handbook secretly as everyone exits.
Delia carefully closes the door.
CAMERA EASES OVER TO the window we see two pairs of
hands, white-knuckled, gripping the window sill from the
outside.
EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT
Barbara and Adam are hanging outside the window. CAMERA
EASES BACK to see that instead of hanging from the house.
They are hanging from a ledge over the inferno.
ON INFERNO
Circles of rosy hell. Several devilish monsters slaver
up at them, hoping for new meat for the furnace. Small
geysers spurt foul gases.
WINDS BLOW hard; rain beats on Adam and Barbara. They
struggle to hold on and pull themselves back up and into
the window.
ADAM
Juno, help! Juno!
After nearly falling, Adam barely saves Barbara and they
finally make it up, and disappear into the window.
INT. ATTIC LANDING - NIGHT
Delia, Charles and Otho all start down the stairs, one by
one. All are holding the hand rail.
DELIA
Lydia, I will never forgive you
for embarrassing me in front of
my social inferiors. You help us
with these ghosts or you'll be
sorry.
LYDIA
I'm sorry already.
CHARLES
(fixing on Otho)
Now, let's get back to business.
I want to get Maxie Dean and
Sarah up here immediately. I can
make history here! I'm going to
turn this sleepy little backward
town into a leading supernatural
research center... and amusement
park.
LYDIA
(disgusted)
I cannot believe this.
CHARLES
Delia will cook...
Delia glares at him.
CHARLES
I'll bring the wine... and the
business plan. And Lydia
you'll bring the ghosts.
LYDIA
(frustrated)
I can't bring the ghosts. They're
not here!
CHARLES
Otho, could you actually... do
something with them?
OTHO
(pats handbook
under his coat)
Perhaps if I were properly
motivated.
LYDIA
That's slavery and murder. You
don't know these people. They're
just like you and me. They're
nice people!
THEIR POV
Down the handrail, as they walk downstairs. Lydia lags
behind, sullen.
The lower end of the handrail lifts, and turns. The
handrail has become a long, fat, diamond-backed SNAKE
-- unlike any we have ever seen. It flashes terrifying
teeth and a red-feathered comb. It turns and HISSES at
them.
ON CHARLES
He stops, hand still on rail, and stares.
ON OTHO
He looks at Charles. Then at snake.
ON CHARLES
Fear begins to sink in. He backs up.
ON DELIA
She screams as she looks down at her hand on the rail
-- It grips the scaly, throbbing, dripping body of the
snake.
BACK TO SCENE
The snake just gets longer and nastier as it turns back in
the air, up the stairs toward them. Its tail circles
Delia and spins her like a top. When she stops -- the
snake gives her a big wet snake kiss.
Snake snaps Otho in the behind. It hurts.
The three of them fall over each other trying to escape.
The SNAKE rears up and spreads a red comb and HISSES
LOUDLY.
All three of them turn their backs and huddle on the
stairs.
The snake hovers horribly over them; grabs Charles in its
coils and squeezes him hard -- his fearful face reddens,
then it suspends Charles over the edge of the stairs.
SNAKE
We've come for your daughter,
Chuck!
He leers at Lydia and drops Charles, like a rock, over
the bannister. Charles screams.
The Snake grins at a terrified Lydia,
Snake rears back for a strike, when suddenly, like
thunder, one word is heard.
BARBARA (O.S.)
Betelgeuse! Betelgeuse! Betelgeuse!
The snake looks up with familiar eyes. At top of stairs
stands an angry Barbara.
What happens next is almost too fast for the eye to see.
The snake shrinks and turns back into the regular mahogany
handrail.
Betelgeuse, or his outline, whips up the stairs, through
the door, and is gone like a rocket.
BETELGEUSE
Rrratt shit!
Otho and Delia rush downstairs -- Lydia is terrified.
She runs away.
LYDIA
I hate you! I can't trust
anybody!
BARBARA
No, wait!
Lydia screams and runs down the stairs.
LYDIA
(screams)
I hate all of you!
Slowly, Barbara returns to the attic.
INT. ATTIC - NIGHT
Adam and Barbara are wet and exhausted. Agitated.
ADAM
Great choice we've got here. We
get to spend the next century
either hanging out that window
or doing parlor tricks.
Adam is working with the model town. Barbara is pacing.
ADAM
Maybe they'll leave now. That
snake was a pretty nasty customer.
BARBARA
He might have hurt somebody.
ADAM
But he didn't. We've got him
where we want him.
ON MODEL
A column of water shoots high in the air.
Adam rushes over to the model -- looks down.
INT. MODEL - DAY
Betelgeuse has run a beat-up old pickup into a fire
hydrant. He stands nearby, hopping mad; shakes his
fist at Adam.
BETELGEUSE
You pansy-assed cretins! How dare
you do that to me. I had 'em
running; coulda finished the job!
Adam's huge thumb comes down and stops the hydrant.
Betelgeuse steps defiantly up to it.
BETELGEUSE
Come on, try to touch me, you
lousy do-gooder.
Adam withdraws his thumb. Betelgeuse gets on a Harley
chopper MOTORCYCLE. VARROOOM!
INT. ATTIC
Barbara and Adam, obviously disturbed, look at one another
with concern.
BETELGEUSE (V.O.)
(thin and pip-
ing voice)
Why did you stop me?
VRROOOM! VRROOOOM!
Barbara joins Adam and looks down.
ON MODEL TOWN
Betelgeuse is ROARING down the street on the BIKE.
Barbara and Adam are titans in the sky. He wheelies.
BARBARA
I don't like Charles Deetz
particularly, but you could have
killed him.
BETELGEUSE
Hey, I've been in a frigging
bottle for six hundred years. I
was out. Every dog has his day.
This is my town. I need a night
to howl.
ADAM
This is my town.
BETELGEUSE
You wish! I nearly scored with
that little blonde. I need me
a short little queen.
ON BARBARA
Angry, Barbara reaches down into the model and plucks
Betelgeuse up with the Harley. Harley spins and winds
up!
Barbara lifts him up toward her, squeezing him slightly.
BARBARA
You leave her alone, you horrid
little prick!
CLOSEUP - BETELGEUSE IN BARBARA'S HAND
Betelgeuse grins. Suddenly large spikes shoot out all
over his body, piercing the skin of Barbara's palm and
fingers. Barbara's blood is a rich pink.
She squeals and releases the evil spirit and he plummets.
EXT. MODEL - DAY
Betelgeuse parachutes to a soft landing on the town com-
mon. The Harley smashes to the ground heavily, sinking
in over its tires. Betelgeuse is defiant.
BETELGEUSE
Go ahead. Make my millenium!
We hear the tinny strains of "HONKY TONK ANGEL," as if
from down the street. He turns around to follow it.
BETELGEUSE
This burg got a cathouse? I'm
getting anxious, if you know what
I mean. Six hundred years and
all.
He turns the corner to a whorehouse, with women -- women
with demon horns -- hanging out of the windows, beckoning.
Betelgeuse rubs his hands together and swaggers inside.
INT. ATTIC - DAY
Barbara aghast, watching this from above.
BARBARA
Adam! Why did you build a
whorehouse? Have you ever been
to...?
ADAM
I didn't --
He doesn't finish -- a strong WIND BLOWS through the attic,
nearly knocking Barbara and Adam over. They close
their eyes against the gale.
When they open their eyes again, they're no longer in
the attic. They're in --
INT. JUNO'S OUTER OFFICE - DAY
A cubicle in a much larger office. Miss Argentina
swishes by.
RECEPTIONIST
God, you have got her steaming
now.
She exits. There are other special workers. The place is
really, really busy. Adam and Barbara sit down to wait.
Juno storms through with a sheaf of papers. She sees
them. She is steaming mad.
JUNO
The whorehouse was my idea.
I want Betelgeuse out of the
picture! We've got some serious
talking to do.
BARBARA
About what?
JUNO
You people have really screwed
up! I received word that you
allowed yourselves to be
photographed. And you let
Betelgeuse out and didn't put
him back, and you let Otho get
ahold of the handbook.
ADAM
Handbook? When...?
JUNO
(continuing tirade)
Never trust the living! We cannot
have a routine haunting like yours
provide incontrovertible visual
proof of existence beyond death.
ADAM
Well, we didn't know --
A bunch of FOOTBALL PLAYERS follow Juno like hungry dogs.
DUMB #1 (FOOTBALL PLAYER)
Hey, Coach, where's the men's
room?
JUNO
(frustrated)
I'm not your coach. He survived.
DUMB #2 (FOOTBALL PLAYER)
You don't need a men's room.
You're not no man no more. But
Coach, let me get this -- What's
our curfew over here?
They start squabbling. Juno has to wrangle them into
another room.
JUNO
(frustrated)
I'll be right back.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
Charles sits on small hospital bed. Delia takes off her
Gucci belt and whips it on a chair absentmindedly.
DELIA
I feel like we've been at war,
Charles.
CHARLES
At least insofar as we have our
first casualty. Me.
DELIA
Otho'll know what to do.
CHARLES
What's he going to do? Viciously
rearrange their environment?
DELIA
Otho knows as much about the
supernatural as he knows about
interior decoration.
CHARLES
Let's hope he knows how to
produce those damn ghosts for
Max and Sarah... Because I've
bought options on property all
over town. I need Max's
financing...
DELIA
Just don't tell Lydia.
CHARLES
Why not?
DELIA
I think she's in with them.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LYDIA'S BEDROOM - DAY
It's dark. The bedroom curtains have been closed.
Dramatic OPERA MUSIC builds throughout.
Lydia melodramatically dressed in a long black dress
appears carrying a candle. She is softly crying.
She sits at her dressing table, the candlelight shows
her writing paper. She begins a very dramatic letter.
LYDIA
I am alone.
She looks at it and crumpling the paper, starts again.
LYDIA (V.O.)
I am utterly... alone. You have
sealed my fate with your betrayal.
I can no longer stand to be used
like a puppet between two deceitful
worlds. By the time you read this
I will be gone, having jumped off...
She scratches that out.
LYDIA
... having plumeted off the Winter
River Bridge. Then you will know
that I am no longer a toy in your
petty feuds. Goodbye, Lydia.
A tear falls on the paper as she folds it and puts it in
an envelope. OPERA MUSIC BUILDS AND CONTINUES.
INT. CHARLES' OFFICE - DAY
Lydia slowly makes a copy of the suicide note. The green
of the Xerox light falls eerily on her sad face.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Lydia at bottom of attic stairs.
LYDIA'S POV
Stairs and door at top. They look ominous. She starts
upward.
INT. ATTIC ROOM
The door opens and Lydia peers in.
The room is empty. Lydia comes inside.
LYDIA
Are you here?
She hears something. Looks all around the room.
Nothing.
LYDIA
Mr. and Mrs. Maitland? I've come
for the last time.
(laying note on
table)
Where are you? Barb...
BETELGEUSE (V.O.)
They're dead.
Lydia looks around, then peers into model.
BETELGEUSE (V.O.)
Think small. I'm talking to you.
EXT. MODEL TOWN - BUILDING ROOF - DAY
A tiny Betelgeuse on the roof of a building, wearing a
silk dressing gown, looking like he just dragged himself
out of bed. One of the horned whores is nude sunbathing
in the corner, and Betelgeuse drapes a blanket over her.
Lydia's face looms enormous in the sky.
BETELGEUSE
Cookie, they are dead, dead,
deadski.
LYDIA
Of course they're dead. They're
ghosts.
BETELGEUSE
No, I mean they've gone.
Decamped. Split. Vanished.
LYDIA
Where'd they go?
BETELGEUSE
The happy hunting ground. Who
cares?
LYDIA
Are you a spirit too?
BETELGEUSE
Sort of. High spirit. Heh heh.
Listen, cookie, I've been trapped
in this burg for hundreds of
years. All I want is to get out.
LYDIA
I want to get in.
BETELGEUSE
You do? Over here? On my side?
LYDIA
I think so.
BETELGEUSE
(scheming quickly)
Well, yes, of course. It's great
over here. You'll meet all the
greats. James Dean. Buddy Holly.
(singing)
'The little things a you say and
do... make me want to be with
you-a-hoo.'
LYDIA
Well, it can't be any worse than
my life here.
BETELGEUSE
(sinister; encour-
aging her)
That's right. They treat you like
scum I bet?
LYDIA
Yeah.
BETELGEUSE
I can't help you from this side,
but here's how we do it. So
simple. Say my name three times.
That's all. I'll be all yours.
Then I'll bring you over here in
style.
LYDIA
I... I don't know what your name
is.
BETELGEUSE
Minor problem. The rules. I
can't tell it to you. But... do
you know how to play charades?
LYDIA
Yes.
BETELGEUSE
Of course you do.
He holds up two fingers in a V.
LYDIA
Two words.
Betelgeuse holds up one finger.
LYDIA
First word.
Betelgeuse puts two fingers on his arm.
LYDIA
Three syllables.
BETELGEUSE
No, dummy. Two.
LYDIA
Your fingers are so small I can't
see them. First word -- two
syllables.
He points behind her.
LYDIA
I don't know what that signal
means.
BETELGEUSE
It means look behind you, bimbo.
Lydia looks behind her. A green beetle the size of a
Volkswagen is crouching. Its feathery antennae reach out
toward her menacingly. Lydia yelps.
LYDIA
Beetle!
BETELGEUSE
Good girrrl!
POP! The beetle disappears. Betelgeuse holds up two
fingers.
LYDIA
(still shaken)
Second word. Be careful.
Apprehensive, she jumps when a simple carton of orange
juice materializes. Orange juice pours out into a ghostly
glass.
LYDIA
Breakfast? Orange?
The orange juice disappears. He shakes his head.
LYDIA
Breakfast beetle? Beetle? Beetle
fruit? Fruit bat? Fruit battle?
Volkswagen? Fruit wagon?
BETELGEUSE
Good thing you are beautiful, kid.
You are dumb!
Betelgeuse does the signal for "now put them together."
LYDIA
I am not! Beetle... Juice?
BETELGEUSE
(jumping with
delight)
That's it!
LYDIA
Your name is Beetle Juice? Yecch!
That's as bad as Deeelia Deeetz.
BETELGEUSE
It's spelled different, but
basically... Now you said it
twice; just one more time, and
I'll be free.
(sinister)
And then you'll be free.
Lydia, puzzled, gets the magnifying glass and peers at
him.
ON HIS UGLY FACE
Big in the glass -- Betelgeuse jumps in the air, his robe
parts -- we don't see anything but maybe Lydia does.
LYDIA
God, you're anatomically correct!
BETELGEUSE
Just say it.
LYDIA
(recognizing some-
thing about him)
You were the snake! Right? I
know. I saw you.
BETELGEUSE
You've got to say it!
LYDIA
No I don't. I don't take orders
from smurfs.
BETELGEUSE
How'd you like to have the biggest
boobs in the world? Right now. I
can do it if I get out.
LYDIA
They'd look silly on me. I'm
fourteen years old!
BETELGEUSE
How'd you like to be married to...
the King...?
Lydia doesn't get it.
BETELGEUSE
... Elvis?...
(boasting)
You know, ever since he came
over he and I have been just like
this.
(crosses his
fingers)
I can arrange it. Just say my
name one more time.
She thinks about that one. Shakes her head.
LYDIA
No, No... I need to talk to
Barbara.
Betelgeuse smiles.
BETELGEUSE
Well, cookie, just say my name.
I can get her.
(rubbing his horny
little hands together)
That and so much more...
Lydia walks around thinking for a moment.
LYDIA
Who else did you say is over
there?
INT. JUNO'S OFFICE - DAY
Juno staring at them, hard.
JUNO
Yes... or no? Do you want the
Deetzes out or in?
ADAM
Out.
BARBARA
What about Betelgeuse?
JUNO
Forget him. He'll remain with
his whores until someone calls
him. You need to worry about
people like Otho. There are a lot
of phony trance mediums. They
usually can't make the formulas
work, but if Otho stumbles on the
right words in that handbook...
he could hurt you. As in --
exorcism.
They both look puzzled.
JUNO
In plain English -- that's death
for the dead. So keep going,over the top! And you'll have it
done. It's better for everyone.
It's not pretty but -- that's
death! So, finish the job.
Adam stands to go.
JUNO
Wait a minute. Let's see what
you're going to do...
They look at Juno.
JUNO
... to scare her. I want to make
sure it's not some silly parlor
trick.
Barbara looks at Adam.
ADAM
I'll do the hard part, hon.
Adam reluctantly pulls on his face, and contorts it into
a living, breathing, horror. Juno is even a little
repulsed.
JUNO
Not bad. Not bad. Now you? Go
ahead.
She reluctantly does with her face a minor version of
Adam's horror.
JUNO
Okay. You look great! Now go
clean house. And don't forget
the photographs and the damned
handbook.
Barbara and Adam slowly stand and walk out the door.
Barbara/monster looks back pleadingly. Football players
flood into Juno's office. One PARTICULARLY DUMB PLAYER
has had a revelation. (He's pretty grisly, maybe sat too
close to the engine.)
PARTICULARLY DUMB PLAYER
Coach! Coach, I don't think we
survived the crash!
Barbara and Adam look at each other and continue out the
door.
OUTSIDE JUNO'S OFFICE
They enter a long dark hallway. They suddenly find them-
selves standing in front of Lydia's room. Adam/monster
looks at Barbara/monster as he grabs the doorknob. She
stops him. Tears fall down her sad ghostly face.
BARBARA/MONSTER
Adam. I can't do it. I like that
little girl.
ADAM/MONSTER
It's too late. Sometimes things
just work out this way. We have
to, honey.
BARBARA/MONSTER
No we don't. We can rebel or
something. We'll just stay up
there in our room. I'll read,
you can build on the model. Come
on.
She rushes up the stairs, toward the attic. He follows
her.
ADAM/MONSTER
Wait. We can't, honey. Our
house...
She gets to the door. Grabs the handle.
BARBARA
I want to be with Lydia!
She throws open the door.
INT. ATTIC - DAY
Lydia is standing over the model, about to say
Betelgeuse's name.
LYDIA
Okay. Beetle... J...
Barbara/monster, horrified, screams!
BARBARA/MONSTER
No! Lydia, stop!
Adam/monster runs to grab her. Lydia is terrified.
Screams.
ADAM/MONSTER
No, don't say it!
BETELGEUSE
Say it! Rat shit!
Betelgeuse slips off the roof into a patch of thorny
bushes.
INT. ATTIC - NIGHT
Lydia screams; Adam/monster tries to calm her. Lydia
struggles and, thinking she is being attacked, runs out
the door, smack into Barbara/monster.
Barbara/monster catches her, frightens Lydia even more.
Barbara/monster holds onto her as she struggles.
Barbara/monster slowly changes back into regular Barbara.
Lydia sees who it is and she hugs her. Like mother and
daughter.
ON ADAM
slowly returning to himself. He smiles slightly at the
scene.
BETELGEUSE (O.S.)
You lilly-livered bleeding hearts!
BARBARA
I'm so sorry we frightened you.
What were you doing?
LYDIA
He... Beetle Jui...
Barbara quickly puts her hand over her mouth.
LYDIA
He said if I let him out he would
take me over to the other side to
find you.
BARBARA
No, Lydia, we're dead.
LYDIA
I want to be dead too.
BARBARA
(shocked)
No you don't! No... Lydia... Why?
LYDIA
(after a pause,
dramatically but
for real)
Life is just... too awful.
Barbara hugs her. She fumbles for words. This is an
unusual situation, a dead person talking a live person
out of killing herself. She rocks Lydia a little.
Barbara looks at Adam.
BARBARA
Lydia, believe me... we know... all
the hard stuff is the same over
here. You're going to be who you
are... whether you're alive or dead
... and over here -- it's... It's
flat... there's no food, no colors
... you can't smell the flowers.
(thinking)
If we knew then what we know now
we'd have been more careful...
ADAM
(in the style of the
dead receptionist)
... we wouldn't have had our
little accident.
Lydia looks at Barbara lovingly.
BARBARA
So, never let Beetle Juice out.
Never. Besides...
(looking at Adam)
We're thinking about letting
everyone stay... You and your
father and mother can stay too.
LYDIA
(smiles and says
slowly)
Step... mother.
Adam/monster is not sure, huffs around a little. He is
trying to change back into Adam, except for his nose,
which remains like a beak for a minute. Finally, it
changes too.
Lydia and Barbara laugh at him.
Suddenly, two men push in through the door. They push
by Lydia and grab the model. They take it out the door.
Adam is beside himself. Doesn't know what to do.
Barbara stops him from taking action.
ADAM
What is going on?
LYDIA
Really. I don't know.
Adam looks suspiciously at her.
LYDIA
I really don't. I'll go find out.
She runs out the door.
BARBARA
Be careful.
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
Lydia runs through the hallway and into the dining room.
INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
Lydia walks into a presentation in progress.
Sitting around the table are Otho, Maxie, and Delia.
SARAH DEAN is there too. She looks around Lydia hoping
for ghosts. Sarah is heavily made up, smells bad.
Lydia's photos of the sheeted ghosts are blown up and
standing on a nearby easel. Charles, over the model with
a pointer, is lost in mid-sentence.
CHARLES
-- In short, I've got options to
buy enough of the stores on Main
Street to control the city council
for a hundred years. And at the
prices I'm talking about, if it
all fell apart tomorrow, we just
move out and sell to the Arabs and
we still come out... I've talked
to Ed Cornwall about a wax museum,
here... in Thanksgiving park...
Ed's the man who made the talking
Jesse Jackson statue. And I've
got a museum dedicated to fifty
great moments in the paranormal --
and parenthetically D-Con wants
the right to start an insect zoo
here in the old hardware store.
(seeing Lydia)
Lydia, did you finally decide to
join us?
They all give her an oily smile.
CHARLES
Honey, I am just finishing the
first phase presentation about
our little project here. Then
we'll take a stretch and invite
our friends... to meet your
friends.
Sarah gets Maxie's attention and unable to contain her
excitement, silently urges him to get on with the ghosts.
SARAH
Are they here yet?
MAXIE
Yes, Charles, let's cut the
bullcorn. We're here to see
ghosts. This whole ghost-town
museum and such-like, follows like
a train, if you've got the
engine... so let's see your
goddamned engine.
Everyone looks at Lydia.
LYDIA
They're... not here anymore.
CHARLES
(smiling apolo-
getically)
Nonsense, everytime she says that,
the paint peels, and some wild
creature tries to kill us.
SARAH
(motioning)
We've got these pictures, Lydia.
LYDIA
No, really... they said they might
come back and all of us could live
in peace if you agreed not to
tease them or make them do silly
tricks.
Sarah is disappointed. She goes to Maxie. Delia takes
over.
DELIA
She's become a little emotional
about all this. No counseling up
here. But we aren't relying on
her. No, we rely only on
professionals. We have... Otho.
The whole room turns to Otho. Who is scribbling something
and mumbling.
CHARLES
Are they still here, Otho?
Otho looks up, he missed the question.
DELIA
Are they still here, Otho?
OTHO
Oh, they're still here. They're
Just not showing up.
CHARLES
They're probably guilty about what
they did to me.
DELIA
Not these people! They are
ruthless!
MAXIE
I don't care from guilt. I just
want to see them.
CHARLES
Otho, can you do it?
OTHO
It's tricky, but I think I can do
it.
He dramatically produces the handbook.
LYDIA
No!
Lydia begins to think about this scene and she shifts to
another point of view.
LYDIA
Wait a minute! What am I worried
about? Otho, you can't even
change a tire!
OTHO
(taking the
challenge)
I'll need something personal of
theirs.
Lydia smiles, confident that the house is stripped of
Maitlands' possessions.
Delia carefully brings out a big plastic bag. Lays something
out on the dining room table.
DELIA
I'm deeply sentimental about...
weddings.
Lydia stands to see: Delia carefully lays out Barbara's
white wedding dress. Then next to it, Adam's wedding
tux.
Lydia looks at it. A chill runs through her.
LYDIA
(hushed realization)
Their wedding clothes.
OTHO
(dramatically)
Their wedding clothes.
Lydia starts edging for the door.
OTHO
Now lock all the doors.
Charles and Maxie do it. Lydia is getting nervous.
LYDIA
(whistling in the
dark)
This is a joke. You have got to
be kidding.
EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT
The moon stares down icily through gray clouds. WIND UP.
INT. ATTIC - NIGHT
Barbara is looking out the window.
BARBARA
(wistful)
You know, I've been thinking. I
could teach Lydia to sew.
ADAM
Little black party dresses?
BARBARA
(punching him
playfully)
Ah, Adam, you don't know anything
about little girls. She's just...
missed out on some love, that's
all...
ADAM
(huffy)
Let's see if she can get my model
back.
BARBARA
You can build another one... with
her.
Adam isn't convinced. Barbara motions him to sit next to
her.
BARBARA
Come here, I want to talk to you.
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
The group is sitting silently in chairs and on the living
room couch.
In the middle of the room, the carpet has been rolled
back. Otho -- despite his massive bulk -- is on his hands
and knees. He has laid out the clothes in a red square
on the floor. (He refers to the handbook throughout.)
OTHO
It's the shape that will trap them.
He's measuring the string, making sure that it's even.
He holds up the handbook.
SARAH
The 'words?'
Otho nods.
INT. ATTIC - NIGHT
Barbara with her arm on his shoulder, talks to Adam.
BARBARA
We've been given a gift here,
honey. A real live little girl.
She likes us a lot. She needs us.
Maybe that's why we died so young,
to keep us from getting so...
attached to things. The house,
antiques, your model. Look at us.
We didn't have room for anyone.
ADAM
(after a long thought)
What makes you think she likes me?
Barbara slowly smiles. He does too.
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Lydia is nervous now. Otho lights a candle and Delia
turns out the lights.
OTHO
As sudden thunder
Pierces night;
As magic wonder
Mad affright
Rives asunder
Man's delight:
Our ghost, our corpse and we...
Rise to be.
Nothing happens. Lydia nervously turns away.
LYDIA
(sarcastically)
Doo wah.
Then a SIZZLE, a TINY CRACKLE, along one side of the
square.
OTHO
Hands vermillion
Stars of five
Bright cotillion
Raven's dive
Nightshades promise
Spirit's strive,
To the living
Let now the dead...
Come alive.
INT. ATTIC - NIGHT
Adam is looking at his model thoughtfully. He smiles.
ADAM
I do kind of like her, you know...
He turns to Barbara. CAMERA HINGES WITH him to see --
ON BARBARA
Her face is frightened. She cannot speak. She reaches
out to him -- but is disappearing. He reaches for her,
but she is suddenly -- gone.
INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
Vari-colored lightning bolts shoot from every corner of
the square. A gasp from everyone but Lydia.
ON LYDIA
She is looking away. She turns to see --
ON DRESS
Barbara's wedding dress floats over the table and fills
slowly, painfully, with the arms, legs and finally the
frightened face of Barbara. A lightning bolt flares.
Lydia rises slowly to her feet, unable to resist.
More lightning bolts.
OTHO
As sudden thunder
Pierces the night;
As magic wonder
Mad affright
Rives asunder
Man's delight:
Our ghost, our corpse and we
Rise to be.
Lydia walks slowly toward Barbara.
ON BARBARA
She is in pain, she is very slowly aging. She speaks,
but no words can be heard. Not even by Lydia. But we
can see she is calling for... Adam.
LYDIA
Stop it!
MAXIE
Shhhh!
Lydia screams for Adam.
LYDIA
Adam! Adam!
OTHO
(louder)
As flies the lizard
Serpent fell;
As goblin vizard,
At the spell
Of pale wizard,
Sinks to hell;
The buried, dead, and slain...
Rise again.
INT. ATTIC - NIGHT
In a lightning flare we see Adam searching for Barbara.
He rushes out into the hallway.
ADAM
Barbara! Barbara? Ba...
His last plaintive call becomes mute as he too begins to
slowly disappear.
INT. DINING ROOM - ON EACH OF WATCHERS - NIGHT
One by one. They are scared but delighted too. No one
is watching Lydia.
ON OTHO
OTHO
Hands vermillion
Stars of five
Bright cotillion
Raven's dive
Nightshades promise
Spirit's strive,
Into the living
Let now the dead
Come alive.
ON LYDIA
tears well up in her eyes.
ON BARBARA
She is slowly aging. Now a bewildered Adam appears,
floating in his wedding suit. Seeing his Barbara, now
older than he is, Adam reaches for her hand...
ON HANDS
As he grasps her hand, it seems to be made of white
crepe, it wrinkles and nearly collapses.
Adam... puzzled, calls her name silently.
DELIA
What's happening to them?
OTHO
I don't know.
CHARLES
Are they suffering?
MAXIE
They're already dead. They can't
feel a thing.
Obviously not true.
ON LYDIA
She cries.
LYDIA
Oh, no. No!
ON BARBARA
She looks down slowly at Lydia and with effort makes a
loving smile. She reaches out toward Lydia.
Lydia rushes for the door. Pulls on it, can't open it.
LYDIA
No. No. No. This is a
nightmare.
Completely helpless now, Lydia weeps openly and then
something comes over her. She rushes across the room.
Stares down at the model.
LYDIA
Where are you? Help us! Please.
Betelgeuse!
A CRACK of LIGHTNING.
EXT. MODEL TOWN GRAVEYARD - NIGHT
Someone, or something, with leathery black wings, like
the figure of death in the Goya drawing, is perched atop
the gravestone of Barbara and Adam Maitland. The graves
beneath him are open. The figure turns... it is
Betelgeuse. He is filing his talons casually.
He speaks with a ghastly rasp.
BETELGEUSE
So... You're ready for me now?
LYDIA
You've got to help them.
BETELGEUSE
Can you help me?
LYDIA
(frightened)
... I will.
BETELGEUSE
Then I'll help them. For a price.
He grins.
LYDIA
W... What is it?
BETELGEUSE
(his words echo
horribly
Be... my... queen!
LYDIA
(repulsed)
Your qu...? But you're...
BETELGEUSE
(smiling devilishly)
I'm beeyoo-teeful.
ON LYDIA
She is chilled. Steps back. She turns back to the
Maitlands who are continuing to age. Looks back to the
model.
LYDIA
All right... Betelgeuse...
ON BETELGEUSE
He flaps a wing. He's also doubled in size. The tombstone
crumbles beneath him.
LYDIA (O.S.)
(louder)
Betelgeuse...
WIDER ON GRAVEYARD
He doubles in size again. Behind him, one of the model
BUILDING BURSTS INTO FLAME. He soars off across the
graves.
ON LYDIA
She hesitates.
TIGHT ON BETELGEUSE - TOMORROW
He looks up at her confidently.
LYDIA
Betelgeuse!
DINING ROOM - NIGHT
The ghostly square is now entirely zig-zagged on the inside
with lightning.
CHARLES
All right, that's enough. Can you
stop this now?
Otho doesn't answer.
CHARLES
Otho?
OTHO
It's too late, Charles. I'm
sorry.
INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
Lydia peers at the model. Betelgeuse is transforming.
There is a LOW RUMBLE. The model town starts to shake.
INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
Lydia backs away. Betelgeuse's head, now human-size,
rises from the center of the model town.
TIGHT ON HIS FACE
His grin is malevolent and malicious. It's showtime,
folks!
BETELGEUSE
Attention K-Mart shoppers!
INSIDE SQUARE
Barbara and Adam's corpses are nearly at the end of their
ropes.
ON DEETZES
who have been focused on the Maitlands.
CHARLES
(turning around
to the model)
Did you hear something?
ON MODEL
Betelgeuse begins a bright but sinister carnival barker's
pitch. His shoulders now are clearing the model.
BETELGEUSE
Welcome to Winter River!
Sarah rushes over to the model, thinking this is more of
the show. Maxie follows.
BETELGEUSE
Hel-lo, piggies! Welcome to WinterRiver! See the museum of natural
greed. The monument to bored
businessmen! Come closer! Picnic
on the shores of the river of
cheap labor. Watch out! See the
terrible river monster!
Suddenly six squid-like arms push out from his shoulders
and grab Maxie and Sarah. She shrieks! The arms begin
to rotate like a carnival ride. CARNY MUSIC UP.
BETELGEUSE
Yowser, yowser, yowser. Exit to therear puleeze!
Maxie and Sarah are hurled across the room into furniture.
They run out screaming! Betelgeuse springs out of
the model, back to his regular shape.
BETELGEUSE
(in style of game
show host)
Yowser, yowser. Well who do we
have here tonight?
He looks up at the suspended Maitlands.
BETELGEUSE
Let's have a hand for the
Maitlands, Barbara and Adam. They
deserve a rest.
ON MAITLANDS
Wispy shadows by now, still alive/dead. They fall in a
heap on the floor. NOTE: They immediately start to
regenerate themselves.
BETELGEUSE
Well, we'll get back to them after
they recover from their flight.
He turns his attention to the living. Suddenly the
PHOTOS of the sheeted Maitlands BURST INTO FLAMES and
disappear.
ON ADAM
filling out again, he struggles to stand, but falls.
Barbara shakes her head trying to regain her focus.
BETELGEUSE
Look at this mess. Look at that...
ugly dust!
(feeling the wallpaper)
My God, what ugly wall dressing.
Who is responsible for all this
ugliness?
(spying Otho trying
to hide)
Otho, it's you! Watch out for the
taste patrol!
He waves and the door opens. A little Italian gentleman
appears --
OTHO
No. Noooo! My God. It's GiorgioArmani!
GIORGIO
Before youa getta started herea, I
joost wanta to saya, Otho, don'ta
weara my stuff? Okay? Youa too
fat for human-type clothes. Ita
makes my designs looka like
aircraft covering.
Otho is horrified. Suddenly, Otho's clothing begins to
rip and fall off as he runs out the door screaming.
Betelgeuse laughs with delight. Delia pleads with the
recovering Maitlands.
DELIA
(frantic)
Please, can't you do something!
Please!
ON BARBARA AND ADAM
Adam, not fully recovered, heroically tries to speak, but
his jaw falls off. An exhausted Barbara tries to help
him reattach it.
Betelgeuse looks at Delia, with an evil grin.
BETELGEUSE
(Lawrence Welk-like)
Anda now our lovely champagne
lady. To whoma grace and elegance
are as natural as a simple blue
leather couch.
(suddenly exploding
like Tweetie Bird)
Do you know how many smurfs died
needlessly to make that couch?
(like calling a dog
on her)
Get her, Blue!
Suddenly, Delia tries to run for it. But she falls into
the blue leather couch. The couch arms swell and grab
her. The couch, now alive, holds her tight, bucks her
like a bronco, and gallops around the room (as in her
entrance), and out the door.
DELIA
Help! Help!
BETELGEUSE
Shane! Shane! Come back Shane!
(he turns and winks
at Lydia)
Heh heh! Hell... llo honey!
Lydia screams!!
ON BARBARA
horrified, she tries to go to Lydia, but falls hard
against the wall.
Charles moves protectively toward Lydia, who is cowering
in a corner. A LOUD ZOOMING is heard from the model.
Charles freezes, looks down at it.
ON MODEL
It shakes as many little CARS ZOOM around in the
streets. They have angry little faces! ZOOM! ZOOM!
MED. SHOT - CHARLES
He is puzzled.
BETELGEUSE (O.S.)
Look at that, Charles!
(Recalling Charles' earlier speech to Lydia)
BETELGEUSE (O.S.)
You're the first trickle... in a
couple of years this town will be
filled with people like you and
they will need...
CLOSE ON CHARLES
He freezes, his eyes big, he is sweating and shaking. A
serrated yellow stripe rolls up the center of his face.
BETELGEUSE (O.S.)
Lots of parking!
ON MODEL
CARS ZOOM off the model and all over Charles, parking
like crazy. He screams!
Charles has turned into a parking structure. He is
quickly weighed down with hundreds of the nasty
machines.
Two slightly larger cars drive off the model, under his
shoes and like skates, propel Charles out the door.
BETELGEUSE
Okay. You can go now, you're
full.
He laughs hysterically as Charles spins out, hollering.
BETELGEUSE
I love it when I have a good time.
What a guy!
(suddenly reflective)
But Betelgeuse is tired of the
fast lane. He wants to be a
country boy.
(looking around at
the house)
I think I'll settle here. I
think...
(big and dangerous
grin, looks to
Lydia)
I'll get ... married.
Suddenly the room glows red. A fire burns on top of the
mantel. The WEDDING MARCH PLAYS EERILY. An ominous
feeling creeps into the scene.
His leering horned whores walk, like bridesmaids, in
step, through the door. They rush toward Lydia.
Frightened, Lydia is assaulted and pulled forward by these
ugly handmaidens, she suddenly looks down and sees she is
now clothed in a BLOOD RED WEDDING DRESS. LYDIA SCREAMS!
BARBARA
No... No!
Adam's eyes widen.
LYDIA
(frightened, but
hurling the incan-
tation to make him
disappear)
No... Betelgeuse. Bet...
Betelgeuse waves a hand and Lydia's mouth freezes.
A death-masked old PREACHER stands ready to perform the
service. He speaks with a hissing death rattle.
PREACHER
Do you, Betel...
His mouth drops and is frozen.
BETELGEUSE
Uh, uh! No one says the B word!
PREACHER
Do you __________ take this woman
to be your wedded wife? To
honor...
BETELGEUSE
(interrupting)
You betcha!
Lydia screams and struggles.
PREACHER
And... you? Do you, Lydia, take
this man? ... er, uh... man... to
be your lawful wedded husband?
... In sickness...
Lydia struggles. Her screams are muffled and distant.
Betelgeuse grabs her and shakes her.
BETELGEUSE
You don't have to answer him,
snookums. I'll do it for you.
(eerily, speaking
in her voice)
I'm Lydia Deetz and I'm of sound
mind. The man next to me, is the
one I want. You asked me... I'm
answering. Yes. How I love that
man of mine.
Adam, now fully regenerated, moves toward them. He
shouts the incantation.
ADAM
Beetle...
Betelgeuse turns to him and with a sweep of his hand --
Adam's teeth (as if they were false), fly out of his
mouth and CLATTER to the floor. Adam, toothless, musters
up his ghost powers and --
TIGHT ON TEETH
They rare back and continue shouting...
TEETH
Beetleju...
Mayhem breaks out. A furious Betelgeuse stomps at them
with his feet. The teeth scuttle under the model.
BETELGEUSE
(angrily, to old man)
Now move it, pops!
ON ADAM
Speechless, Adam heroically charges toward Betelgeuse,
ready to strike him. Betelgeuse spins on him and waves
his hand. Sound of RUSHING WIND. Betelgeuse animates
the drapes, which reach out and twist around Adam like a
shroud.
Adam struggles, but the drapes slam him hard against
the wall and spin around him like a cocoon.
Adam violently thrashes but is helplessly hanging off
the wall, as the drapes keep twisting and tightening
around him.
Barbara screams and jumps at Betelgeuse.
BARBARA
Beetlejuice...
Betelgeuse turns on her, eyes flashing.
ON BARBARA
A gag comes over her mouth. She tears away her face like
tissue paper -- tries to say his name again.
BARBARA
Beetlegeuse...
ON BETELGEUSE
More angry, he waves his hand magically.
ON BARBARA
Her lips are zippered shut. She angrily rips off that
face.
BARBARA
Beetlej...
ON BETELGEUSE
As fire darts from his eyes.
ON BARBARA
A chromium steel plate is riveted across her mouth. She
screams wordlessly behind it.
ON BETELGEUSE
He laughs maniacally.
THUNDER ROARS.
The mood in the room is now fevered and dangerous. Adam
is hopelessly fighting to get out of the twisting drapes.
Barbara, struggling with her mouth, she pulls off the
chrome, frustrated to the breaking point, looks all
around the room, screams and rushes to the window and
crashes through into the night.
ADAM
(screaming in
anguish)
Barbara?!!
BETELGEUSE
(angry)
Now, let's get rolling!
PREACHER
Then, by the authority vested in
me by...
A RUMBLE comes from outside. Everyone notices but the
Preacher. He stutters to finish the wedding.
BETELGEUSE
By me! Get on with it!
LOUDER NOISE from outside. Now nearly DEAFENING.
PREACHER
Yes... by him. I now pronounce
you man and...
A CRASH at the window.
ON WINDOW
Through it, amidst a cloud of yellow dust, CRASHES
the sandworm. Barbara rides him bareback. Barbara
struggles to control the ROARING WORM. She pulls on his
ears and looks around for Beetle Juice. Seeing him she
spurs the worm after Beetle Juice.
Beetle Juice struggles, trying to run from the worm. But
Barbara and the worm outmaneuver him, corner him, and
when the worm reaches him, he opens his hungry mouth and
gulps Betelgeuse in one mouthful.
BETELGEUSE
Rrrat shit!
Barbara leaps off, as the sandworm continues back
through the hole in the wall around the window.
WIND HOWLS. Lydia runs to Barbara who holds her, Adam
staggers up and stares at her with admiration.
ADAM
What...?
BARBARA
(shrugs)
Just a hunch.
ON HOLE - FOOTBALL PLAYERS
peer down into the room. Pull the whores up through the
hole.
Barbara looks around the room. Sees something. Walks to
the wall. A piece of Delia's wallpaper has been ripped,
exposing Barbara's wallpaper underneath. She grabs a
corner and rips it off, revealing her old clean floral.
BARBARA
Just goes to show you. Nothing
lasts forever.
Lydia and Adam watch.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
EXT. WINTER RIVER - MAIN STREET - BRIGHT DAY
BIRDS SING. Ernie polishes the lion. Old Bill sleeps.
People stroll.
EXT. MISS SHANNON'S BOARDING SCHOOL - DAY
A lovely white boarding school with long green lawn. A
BELL RINGS. Girls come out the front door. Say good-
byes. Lydia walks out too, carrying books.
LYDIA
'Bye, Serena. See you later.
Lydia walks along Main Street of Winter River.
EXT. WINTER RIVER - MAIN STREET - BRIGHT DAY
BIRDS SING. Ernie polishes the lion. Lydia passes him.
INT. JANE BUTTERFIELD'S ANTIQUES/TRAVEL/REAL ESTATE
Lydia enters and begins to use the Xerox. Little Jane
is collating nearby. She looks up at Lydia.
LYDIA
Are you a kid or a machine?
Little Jane frowns at her. Big Jane sits at a cluttered
desk trying to find something. She spies Lydia.
JANE
Hellooo! How's school?
LYDIA
(not particularly
interested)
It's okay. How's the dirt
business?
JANE
Well, I just placed a call to your
mother. She had stepped out but I
have some news for her.
PHONE RINGS. Lydia happily walks out the door.
LYDIA
Tell her I'll see her soon.
Jane answers the phone.
EXT. WINTER RIVER MAIN STREET - BRIGHT DAY
Ernie polishes the lion. Lydia passes.
LYDIA
Don't forget the balls, Ernie.
He looks around surprised.
INT. JANE BUTTERFIELD'S ANTIQUES-TRAVEL-REAL ESTATE
Jane screams into the phone.
JANE
What do you mean no? After all
I've done for you. I don't do
this for my health you know.
CAMERA EXPLORES a row of photographs of houses for sale.
ON PHOTOGRAPH OF OLD MAITLAND HOUSE
It is dilapidated and haunted looking. A legend reads:
FIXER-UPPER'S SPECIAL.
BACK TO JANE
She is frustrated.
JANE
I have here a bonafide offer of
$250,000 for that dump.
Little Jane is now at the Xerox machine. The NOISE
irritates Big Jane and she throws a wad of paper at
Little Jane. Little Jane gets mad and throws her papers
into the air and exits.
JANE
(to phone, not
so polite)
What do you people want? The
Franklin Mint?
INT. NEW YORK APARTMENT - DAY
We recognize the furniture. It's the Deetzes. Delia
is on the phone to Jane. Charles comes in with the WallStreet Journal. He fidgets, taps his fingers, as he
reads and pours coffee -- all at once.
DELIA
(whisper to Charles)
It's Mrs. Butterworth again.
(to Jane)
Listen to me, Jane. Read my
full red lips. We don't want
anyone looking at the house. We
don't want it painted, the yardmowed, the trees trimmed, nor do
we want it termite inspected.
It's not for sale.
INT. JANE'S STORE - DAY
Jane listens. Silent. Thinking.
JANE
Well. Okay for now. When will
you sell it?
INT. NEW YORK APARTMENT - DAY
DELIA
(smiles)
Never, honey. Never.
She hangs up. Looks at Charles.
DELIA
Some people never know when to
leave things the way they are.
Charles smiles.
INT. MAITLAND ATTIC - DAY
Sound of SWEEPING -- CAMERA EASES UP -- Barbara is sweeping
out the attic. Adam working on his model.
ADAM
What time is it?
BARBARA
3:30 I guess.
ADAM
Give or take a year.
Barbara smiles.
The kitchen DOOR SLAMS. Barbara looks up at Adam. They
exit carefully and walk down the stairs.
INT. ATTIC STAIRWAY - DAY
Adam and Barbara walk down the stairs. They smile at
something at the foot of the stairs.
ADAM
Did you get the paint?
LYDIA (O.S.)
I got it. And I took pictures
of the new church for you, too.
BARBARA
How'd you do on the science test?
ON LYDIA
LYDIA
(hangs her head)
It was gross.
They wanted me to dissect a frog.
I told them no way. I said it
was against my religion. I got
a C.
Adam frowns a little.
BARBARA
How did you do on the math test?
Lydia looks down coyly.
ADAM
We studied all day yesterday.
Don't tell me...
LYDIA
I got an A!
They grin with pride.
LYDIA
So can I?
ADAM
(shaking his head)
Uh-uh. Only if you got above a
C on science.
LYDIA
Oh puh-leeze!
BARBARA
Oh, Adam, don't tease her. You
never got an A in science in your
life!
ADAM
All right.
ON LYDIA
She puts down her books. Loosens her collar, ruffles
her hair and waits.
ADAM
Okay.
Lydia looks down.
She lifts her head and leaves the white bread world
behind! In a voice as deep and soulful as Percy
Sledge:
LYDIA
'When a man loves a woman.
He cain't keep his mind on nothin'
else.'
Adam and Barbara sway and clap.
ADAM & BARBARA
Oooooo. Hummm. Oooooo.
LYDIA
'He'd change the world for the
good thing he's found. When a
man needs a woman, he cain't
keep his mind on nothin' else.
If she's bad, he won't see it,
she can do no wrong.'
MUSIC CONTINUES OVER:
CREDITS
OVER:
INT. ATTIC - DAY
CAMERA APPROACHES the model --
INT. MODEL (WINTER RIVER) - DAY
CAMERA FLOATS ABOVE the little town. PAST the hardware
store, with its new sign.
MAITLAND "FAMILY" HARDWARE STORE
CAMERA FLOATS ABOVE the graveyard and DOWN the country
lane.
Juno walks past a great pile of sand with the whorehouse
in the middle. An irritated Betelgeuse crawls out on
the roof. Hating the singing he shakes his fist at the
sky -- loses his footing and tumbles into the sand.
Terrified, he scrambles to get out.
ON PILE
A moving coil under the sand sends him scurrying inside
again. The sandworm snapping right behind him as he
runs back out on the roof.
ANOTHER ANGLE
Juno walks past the Maitlands' yard.
ON BENJI-LIKE DOG
The same one who caused the Maitlands' accident on the
bridge. He is taking a leak on a big tree.
Juno whistles and the dog joins her on the lane. They
walk away together.
CAMERA TILTS UP to see house. It is the perfect, New
England house. CAMERA PULLS BACK FROM the model -- OUT
the window of the real house.
OUTSIDE REAL HOUSE
We see it is dilapidated, and undeniably, the perfecthaunted house.
FADE OUT.