The 5 types of 5-a-side footballer you’re likely to encounter

1) The one who is so good even in the warm-up that you know you’re in trouble

*Gulp* Holy mother of God. Especially relevant when you join a new group and are unsure of how high the standard is. You try not to stare too much as they pull off one rabona, elastico (or whatever the hell that last move even was) after another. You don’t want to err, ‘show off’ your own more limited range of tricks this early on. You know what? Might just do a few stretches and a lap or two instead of partaking in the game of keepy-uppys.

2) The one who puts on a deliberately shambolic performance in goal in order to be relieved of keeping duties as soon as possible.

Come on lad. None of us enjoy it but it has to be done. You could at least try to reach out a paw as the ball flys past you.

3) The deceptively skillful one

A rumbling, trundling example to never judge a book by its cover. Photo credit: Flickr

While you were busy seizing everyone else up prior to kickoff you somewhat dismissed this chap due to his physique hardly being Ronaldo-esque. So it comes as quite a shock when he reveals a silky first touch and passing range that could seemingly span a continent. Just don’t expect him to do too much tracking back.

There is no time for chitchat with this player. They are here to do a job and that’s it. They will not succumb to any smalltalk attempts about their weekend plans while there is a lull in the action. They will treat these attempts as some kind of psychological warfare to be highly distrusted. A small man would admit to taking a little bit of joy in seeing this type of person flounder in possession because of this. I am such a man.

5) The lone player on every team who actually enjoys defending and pleads with others to also stay back

A true conservative at heart. They likely prefer to safely remove a USB stick, wait for the little green man to cross when there isn’t a car in sight and order their steak well done no matter how many times they’re told that they won’t get food poisoning if they get it medium-rare. They are to be admired really, as they give some ray of hope to us when the opposition counter and we have to scurry back en masse. There must be some Italian blood in there somewhere; it’s the only explanation. I’ve left this one until last because they are the unheralded hero every functional 5-a-side team needs. And it’s about time that they got their due…