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wasn’t love

Love inspires many feelings, emotions, actions, regrets, and so on. Love inspires me to throw up in my mouth. However, love can turn into obsession and desperation. This is when it turns into an addictive relationship. There are both men and women who suffer from it. I am willing to bet there are many of you thinking of a friend or even yourself that has or had this type of unhealthy addiction to someone.What makes someone so desperate for another person? It far surpasses being in love with them. It loses the loving portion of the relationship. It has more to do with the psychological need for keeping that other person at any cost to them. The person is their drug. You will do anything for the fix.

There have been quite a few of my friends that were in toxic or addictive relationships. However, you cannot help these types of people break the cycle or get out of the relationship until they see the problem in their own mirror. You try to support your friends through any choice they make because it is their life and not yours in the end. It is hard to watch from the stands though. How many times can you have the same pep talk with a certain friend? How many times does it take for one couple to break up and get back together to realize that their relationship is like a bad movie on a loop?It reminds me of Albert Einstein’s quote about insanity. He said, “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

There was one couple I knew where the broad was addicted to the guy. Lets call them Brad and Angelina. They dated for several years. The last few months of their relationship the sex life was non-existent. Red flag. Brad broke it off between them. A normal reaction was to be upset about losing your partner especially after investing years with them. Angelina had a bad habit of crying in public though. That was not ideal for anyone. People crying make others feel awkward. One movie quote always came to mind, “Are you crying? Are you crying? ARE YOU CRYING? There’s no crying! THERE’S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!”It continued for several months. Brad was off doing him while she was drowning in tears to everyone around her. He ended up feeling bad and tried to give it another go around with Angelina. The friends noticed Brad was not himself when he was out with her. She was a bit of a ‘Debbie Downer.’ That ride on the merry-go-round blew up pretty quick. Everyone knew that was going to happen. Angelina started the water works all over again. She did that for a couple years. Brad had fooled around, dated, and had another girlfriend while she probably never even slipped onto a different penis. A year after their last crash and burn, Brad decided to give Angelina another spin around the track.

They were out to dinner with a big group of friends. She literally had to be touching him through the entire dinner. His hand. His leg. His arm. It was as if she thought he would disappear into thin air if she let go of him. Angelina was glued to his hip, petting his arm with her eyes fixated on him. It reminded me of the crazy, redhead in ‘Wedding Crashers.’ It was pretty clear that she was addicted to Brad. She never healed her wounds or dependency issues. She only saw her glass as half empty without him instead of half full. She only knew how to be a “we” instead of just a “me.” There was no self-esteem in those thoughts. If it didn’t work out after several years and a failed first reconciliation, why would it work now? Can you evolve if you are still stuck on a person? Are you that desperate for the fix of one human that you are willing to torture yourself all over again? How many years can you cry over one person? How much punishment is worth it?As a friend, you have to sit back and enjoy your bowl of popcorn while it all plays out on the screen again. Some people need more than a double feature.

An addiction to someone is not healthy which tips the scale and leaves balance behind. The majority of people want a partner who can mingle and adapt in a social environment. The opposite would be the types of people who need a babysitter or act as if they are on a leash. They cannot go too far from you. Everyone needs time to themselves or time with their own friends. When you are married with kids, you need time for you, your husband, and your kids. You cannot be a mom all of the time and neglect yourself and your husband. People that have this addiction do not understand the rules of balance to healthy relationships. There has to be balance in a relationship, friendship, marriage, eating, working out, and anything you do in life. Moderation and balance are the keys to living stress free.

It is hard for me to understand those types of people’s way of thinking in relationships. I learned a valuable lesson a long time ago that you need to be happy and content with yourself before you can add someone else to your picture frame. You do not need someone to make you feel complete. The only person who can truly make you feel whole is yourself. I feel it goes hand in hand with“me time.” Indulging in an orgasm with yourself is the most intimate you can be with your Miss Lucy. That is truly loving yourself. Once you are happy and love yourself then you are ready for someone to compliment you in your picture and in your vagina.

A relationship is also give and take between two people which includes the bedroom. I understand that not everyone is confident or dominant in the bedroom. If you know your counterpart always initiates sex, you should surprise them and take charge now and then. Take the reins. Crack the whip (figuratively or literally). I am sure the results would be more than arousing. It could be some of the best sex you had as a couple. Why? Because someone broke out of their mold and spiced it up. It is normal to fall into a routine. It happens to the best of us. When you realize it, you need to do something to counteract it. Never be afraid to color outside of the lines with your partner. Let your mind be open just like your legs.

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I have had five serious relationships. Out of those five guys, three of them told me they loved me. I said I loved them too. The problem was I did not know what love was in life. I thought you were supposed to say it back. In those three relationships, it was not love.

Gary said he loved me. Love does not mean you lie to a person. Love does not mean you lie to others about your significant other. Love does not mean you leave bruises on your girlfriend. None of those scream “I love you.” Those actually say the complete opposite. He never listened to me. A great example of that was when I told him I wanted a kitten. I told him I wanted a fluffy tailed, fancy feast kitten. He brought home a one year old, short-haired Manx with a nub as a tail. It was the complete opposite of what I wanted as a pet. My best girl friends and I still laugh about that to this day. I look back at that relationship and think why on God’s green earth did I stay with him for two years. He did not love me and the sex was bad. I was young and dumb.

Barry said he loved me. He cheated on me multiple times and lied to me so many times I lost count. The worst part is I caught him cheating three times. I still stayed with him. I had put on weight for the first time in my life. I weighed 112 pounds since I graduated high school until 2010 when we were dating. I was depressed. I needed someone who actually loved me. Instead, this point me deeper in the hole. The fourth time I caught him cheating and lying to me was different. I broke up with him. I was sick of feeling worthless. I was better than that. I deserved better than him. I had one glory story to take away from that relationship. We were at our local water hole one evening. He was telling a “N” word joke to his friends in front of me. He knew how much I hated that word. I asked him if he would still tell that joke if any one of my black friends were standing there with us. His answer was no. I said that is what makes it wrong. He had us go outside to finish our argument. He called me a cunt and told me to shut the fuck up. I upper cut punched him in the lower stomach. He turned to run and threw up. The movie ‘Semi Pro’ was right. If you get punched in the lower jejunum, it does cause you to throw up. He then ran home like Forest Gump.

The third guy was Jerry. I will talk about him another time. That relationship was its own bowl of Trix cereal.

Men and women should not stay in toxic relationships. They should run when someone says they love them, but their actions say otherwise. If you get physical with your significant other, that is not love. The police getting involved in your relationship is not love. Love is not hitting your girlfriend/boyfriend with your car not once but twice. Love should not physically hurt you. Sex is just sex. Sex does not mean you love someone. When the negatives out weigh the positives, that is not love. You should be smiling more than you are crying. You should be hugging more than fighting. No relationship will ever be perfect because no human being is perfect. Relationships do require some work, but it should not be fighting an uphill battle all the time. Love is trust. Love is being able to openly communicate with someone. Love should make you feel like you are floating in the clouds.

My past relationships have made me jaded towards men. I know I should not let that hold me back from meeting new men, but I love me more. I do not want to be beat down by some guy who does not deserve the time of day from me. There are many reasons why I am not dying to be married. There are plenty of reasons why I do not want to be in a relationship at all. My heart is under lock and key. It is hidden by very high concrete walls. Maybe one day, a man worthy of my heart will break down those walls. He could find the key to unlock my heart. Until that day, I am happy with myself. It is a wonderful feeling. You do not need a significant other to be happy in life. You only need to love yourself and be happy with who you are as a person. The rest is out of your hands.