How to Avoid Getting Caught

You play competitive Pokémon; there aren't many hobbies in this world that come off dorkier. With that in mind, without a doubt one of your top priorities in life is making sure absolutely no one finds out you play competitive Pokémon. As somewhat of a master at hiding this from the people closest to me, I believe it is my duty to pass this information on to my fellow battlers. There are three main groups of people whom you need to keep this secret from: friends, roommates, girlfriends. The following tips will try to help you avoid being caught by any of the three.

Tip #1

Be wary of the Pokémon conversation. If you're around the age of 20, there is no doubt that you were caught up in the Pokémon wave in your early years. Everyone collected the cards and everyone had Red or Blue. Our generation also loves reminiscing about the old times. I guarantee you that you have the "how great was old Nickelodeon" conversation at least once a month. Many times this reminiscing will cause Pokémon to be the subject of conversation. These conversations are the most dangerous ones for you as a competitive Pokémon battler. Do not at any point discuss the merits of Golem over Rhydon. Instead, if you really want to pass for someone who knows nothing about Pokémon, try talking about how your Charizard with four Fire-type attacks kicked ass or maybe try arguing how Squirtle was the best starter and provide no more evidence than your best Squirtle impression. If your friends are nerds you MAY be able to get away with mentioning something about Missingno.

Tip #2

Scenario: Your roommate went to class. You're bored and decide to do some laddering. Next thing you know you hear the front door open. Your roommate's class was cancelled and he's back early. You're in the middle of an important battle against Jimbo which you are undoubtedly about to win. What do you do? This scenario has happened to me several times and I have come up with what I consider to be a foolproof plan: Always have porn on in the background. Why, you ask? Well when your roommate sees you startled and suddenly clicking away, they're going to assume you were doing something you don't want them to see. If porn is on, that will obviously be their first assumption. And let's face it, as long as your dong isn't out what's worse? Watching porn or battling Pokémon? You be the judge.

Tip #3

Manage your desktop. If you haven't noticed, the Shoddy shortcut icon is a picture of Pikachu. If anyone sees this, they will undoubtedly become suspicious. You have two options. First, you could always leave your browser up. This way if your girlfriend ever needs to use your computer, all she'll have to do is open a new tab. If you do this, make sure Smogon is not one of your main bookmarks; move it to the back of the line. A second, safer way is to create a folder to put the shortcut icon into. Alternatively, you could remove the shortcut and only access Shoddy from the start menu. To each his own. If you like taking extreme measures, you could also tell your girlfriend to go back to her fucking apartment if she wants to waste time on Facebook.

Tip #4

Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT help little children play Pokémon. I know how bad you feel for the kid sitting there trying to beat the 2nd gym. I know you would love to give moveset advice to the kid ruining his Infernape. But trust me, you're better off leaving them alone. Nothing good can come of it. While it can sometimes be easy to explain if you get caught, "I used to play Red when I was a kid!", the fallout comes more from the children themselves. Trust me, because this comes from experience: if you help a child with Pokémon and you clearly know what you're talking about, they will tell everyone they meet that you're a Pokémon master. If you help your little brother out, like I unfortunately did, you can be sure that his hot babysitter and the hot girl down the street both know you're a "Pokémon master." Thanks bro!

With these helpful tips and constant vigilance you should no doubt avoid being caught by your friends and family. However, if something goes wrong...

Tip #5

Jabba, I listened to your amazing advice but I still got caught! What do I do now? Don't worry I have just the advice for you: don't be a pussy and man up. Yes, that's right, your friends, your roommates and your girlfriend are only going to care if you play competitive Pokémon if you care that you play competitive Pokémon. If someone catches you in the middle of Fire Blasting a Scizor act like there's nothing cooler. Though warning. If your biggest douchebag friend finds out he will make sure you NEVER get laid. Just a heads up. Also avoid playing "never have I ever" with someone who knows. That one always turns ugly.

So there you go. Good luck in your travels fellow battlers and may your battling always be secret!