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I haven't posted in a very long time. I left these boards to WH. I just didn't feel safe here with him on it.

Anyway, I wasn't sure where to post this-LTA? D/S? I decided to end the nightmare last August when "details" (not details, but huge revelations) kept coming & coming and I came to grips with the fact that I would never fully know the "truth". I just wanted it to stop.

So here I am, a little over a year later, and I'm struggling. Badly. I'm trying to work with a friend of mine (in my old studio) AND look for a job while taking care of my little ones. I'm depressed. I feel tired, old, and used. I'm back on antidepressants & xanax for sleep. I had EXTREMELY bad panic attacks when things were revealed & for a long time after. In May, I had kidney stones & surgery for that. It took a long time to recover & I needed help from WH just so I could see my kids.

It was a nightmare.

I want to know if this is ever going to get better? Is this nightmare life going to ever be better? I feel like I'm in a black hole. When I think about my littles as babies, all the happy times are marred by the affairs

Posts: 751 | Registered: Apr 2012

SBB♀ 35229Member # 35229

Posted: 11:36 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013

Welcome. Let me start of by saying you are not alone.

I went numb for the last few years of that M. Like dead inside. It also happened to be my girls first years (they were 4 and 18m on DD). I still wince when I think of that time and I spend a lot of energy now making amends with myself for that.

I was kind of hit by it at all at once. DD and awakening. It was enormously traumatic.

Have you tried writing down what you're struggling with, specifically? I was in so much of a rage post-DD that I couldn't think straight for several months. I was pissed off that this idiot could bring me to my knees when I had already been through so much worse in my life.

This was not the worst thing that had ever happened to me yet there I was thinking my life was over.

I had an almost pathological fear of being a single mum. I found writing down what my SPECIFIC fears were then testing them against reality really helped me clear the fog.

One thing that kept me in the crazy was contact. I simply could not detach whilst I was still soliciting and being baited into contact. I had to hit rock bottom before I went complete NC. I also fell off the wagon a few times just to make sure.

It has been around a year now and I feel like a completely different person.

I spent a lot of energy trying not to mourn this. I was pissed off that I had to mourn that douchebag but I did. Underneath the deep humiliation and hurt was the knowledge that it could not have continued without my participation.

I surrendered to it. I accepted that I needed to mourn this and I surrendered to the fact that I would not be where I was without my toxic FOO coping mechanisms.

I couldn't change the past but my present and future were in my hands. I could ensure *I* never played my part like that again.

Be gentle with yourself. You've had a hell-year after an already hellish journey. You've survived it. Battered and bruised but you are here - you're still fighting. Shine a light on your feelings and name them. You might be surprised by what you discover.

Keep reading. Keep posting. Keep reaching out to friends/family IRL. I largely resisted my support network after the shock faded right up until I hit rock bottom. They have been and are amazing.

((beachbunny)) Its not just time that heals, it is what you do with that time. They say it takes 2-5 years to recover in R. I reckon it is about the same timeline in S/D.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Yes, things can, do, and will get better. You will be ok. One foot in front of the other!

Stick around, post, get the help and the comfort you need here. These folks GET it. Be kind to yourself and let go of past regrets with your babies. Today is a new day for you beachbunny. Make it the best one you can.

[This message edited by PurpleRose at 1:03 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

divorced the Dooosh 8/13
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