Saturday, December 28, 2013

“You
might want to drop by Wal-Mart and pick you up a personality...” -
Phil Robertson

Monroe,
La. - There's an old, sick joke about three drunken Louisiana duck
hunters in a john boat with a rack of Dixie Beer. Just as one of them
stands up to take a shot, a second hunter cuts loose with his gun,
killing him instantly.

No
need in letting a tragic happening spoil a day's hunt. Besides,
there's plenty of beer left to go around. They cover up the dead guy
with a tarp and shoot ducks until they run out of brew.

Then
they take the dead guy home and knock on his door. His wife appears,
and the drunk who pulled the trigger says, “Hello, ma'am, are you
the Widow Boudreau?” She says, “Well, I'm Mrs. Jean Baptiste
Boudreau, but I'm no widow.”

“The
hell you're not,” says the third man, who has up until that moment
remained quiet.

CNN
blared the news far and wide, letting the market of people who cling
to their guns, their religion, and their beliefs in straight sex and
racial segregation know that the patriarch of the “Duck Dynasty”
reality show that appears on the cable network, Arts and
Entertainment, has been reinstated to his former position following a
week-long suspension over his remarks about queer politics and racial
issues.

He
told a Gentlemen's Quarterly writer that it's his opinion that
homosexuality is a sin, and that in his life growing up in the Jim
Crow atmosphere of this very Baptist, King Cotton community in north
Louisiana, he never saw a black person mistreated prior to the “civil
rights” era.

The
people President Barack Obama spoke of, the ones who “cling to
their guns,” their religion, and – whatever – rose up in
furious anger. Whatever happened to the bearded one's right to
freedom of expression?

Yeah.
How about that?

CNN
was quick to point out that the endorsements he and his clan generate
for hunting, outdoors and recreational products represents the keen
interest of a burgeoning $400 million per year market in – you
guessed it – guns, ammo, duck blinds, hunting apparel, high
capacity rifle and pistol magazines – and everything else it takes
to do the Duck Dynasty thing up and down the bayous and creeks of the
deep south, Appalachia, the Rockies, the Hill Country, and the high
plains.

None
of this will change land office gun sales at big box stores such as
Wal-Mart and Cabela's. According to the "Writer's Guide to Firearms and Ammunition," 300 million firearms are in the hands of the American public. The guide quotes the National Shooting Sports Association in its estimate of the hunting, firearms and ammunition market at $4.1 billion per year, with a total economic impact of $27.8 billion on the national economy.

Said
one balding, sharp-dressed CNN talking head wearing sharkskin and a pink shirt with an open collar: “There probably is room
for a little cynicism in all this.”

The
blonde sitting in as co-anchor gestured expansively with her
perfectly manicured hands, saying, “He was talking aobut his
interpretation of the Bible – of scripture, of his religion.”

Robertson
is an elder in Our Berean Bible Church.

They
chattered away about some similar dust-up involving Cracker Barrel,
in which much merchandise was removed from shelves before a corporate
reversal was reached.

Robertson
told other CNN correspondents that he's “perfectly comfortable with
what he said,” a dude with a vaguely east London accent intoned.

According
to the A and E network, their corporate plan is to "use this
moment to launch a national public service campaign (PSA) promoting
unity, tolerance and acceptance among all people, a message that
supports our core values as a company, and the values found in 'Duck
Dynasty.' These PSAs will air across our entire portfolio."

According
to other literature heaped upon the heads of the cyber-public, this
year will go down in history as the annum in which gay got
recognition as good - as in some 15 states recognizing same-sex
marriage.

What
the bride and groom wore? Stitched in union sweat shops – all over
the Third World?

As
John Lennon once wrote, “There's always something happening, and
nothing going on.”