March 22, 2007

A Momentary Lapse of Reason: Armegeddon, Chicks Just don’t ‘Get’ that Movie

It’s a Wednesday night, and I’m tired. I have an interview for a principalship tomorrow, which will start after I’ve spent my day with about 75 smiling faces, after trying to convince them that Social Studies and English Language Arts really do matter to them. I should be in bed, as I’ve not been sleeping well lately. I should be working on my dissertation and other projects associated with it. I should be making this blog better and working towards my ultimate goal of domination of the blogosphere. I am cruising the TV with the remote control and I see it. 800-1015 Armageddon. Damn. I say that because I am now in trouble. I must click the enter button, to watch the movie.

I’ve only seen this movie from start to finish a few times, maybe three or four. I’ve seen from various places to the end, many times more. It is a compulsion that is hardwired to the male brain. Armegeddon: Yes, I must watch this movie, I must watch this movie. Chicks just don’t get this movie.

What do I love about this movie. It’s just too personal to delve into at this moment, but there is so much. Perhaps it is the backslapping man against the impossible situation, with a not too bad looking blonde – for eye candy purposes only as she’s fairly useless until a man shows her how to fix things, and going through the testestorone filled moments, breaks with reality, until the hero, Harry blows himself up in one bang.

If there is a woman here, who “gets” that movie I dare you to come forward, but you don’t exist. If there is a man who has seen this movie and not cried at the end, I do every time, I think you need to unzip your pants, drop your trousers and check to see if the hook and tackle are in place. This movie is required viewing for real men, and you will cry and make sure your female other, I’m not sure how this works with homosexuals, so if any of you are out there and happen to come across this missive please give us your feedback – if you do cry it may go a long way to the average man on the street accepting you and your lifestyle.

Women really don’t get this movie. My wife rolls her eyes whenever she hears the crashing of the asteroid, and the manly screams of fear and success. I can see the derision in her eyes. Pfft, she thinks I like Donnie Darko and The Joy Luck Club, not knowing that the every millisecond that her worthless drivel is polluting my airwaves she puts our marriage at great risk. While we’re at it, let’s talk about why you want me to cry at these myopic unrealistic movies, don’t bother that Joy Luck Club may be based on some real experience, I don’t want to hear it. I want Armageddon and then maybe I’ll follow it with The Green Berets. Another one that chicks don’t get.

Some quotes that REAL MEN get from that all time great “Guy Movie” Armageddon:

Ronald Quincy: I know the presidents’ chief advisor, we were at MIT together. And, at this point in time, you really don’t want to take advice from a man who got a C minus in astrophysics. The presidents’ advisors are wrong. I am right. (Said when discussing the nature of the asteroid)

A.J.: Have you ever heard of Evel Knievel?Lev Andropov: No, I never saw Star Wars (said when they make the canyon jump)

Rockhound: This is so much fun, it’s freaky! (said when shooting off the 20mm gatling gun)

A.J.: Oh man. Well, we all gotta die, right? I’m the guy who gets to do it saving the world. (said when AJ loses the straw draw, before Harry takes his place)

Lev Andropov:Components. American components, Russian Components, ALL MADE IN TAIWAN!
(Said when he fixes the problem that “Eye Candy” Watts can’t fix by using a large wrench.)

Colonel William Sharp: Get off… the nuclear… warhead. (Said when Rockhound is riding the bomb a la Dr. Strangelove)

Rockhound: You know we’re sitting on four million pounds of fuel, one nuclear weapon and a thing that has 270,000 moving parts built by the lowest bidder. Makes you feel good, doesn’t it? (Said when the rocket is about to take off)

Dr. Banks: One toxicology screen showed traces of ketamin. That is a very powerful sedative.Harry Stamper: Sedatives are often used, Doctor.Dr. Banks: Well this one’s used on horses! (Said when reviewing the NASA test results for Harry’s crew

Dan: So what’s the verdict?Harry Stamper: They’ll do it. They’ve made a few requests though.Dan: Such as?Harry Stamper: Well, there’s uh, few things here
[rifles through sheets of paper]Harry Stamper: …nothing really big, uh, well as an example uh, Oscar here’s got some outstanding parking tickets. Wants them wiped off his record…Oscar: [shouting from balcony] Fifty-six tickets in seven states…Harry Stamper: [to Oscar] I’ll tell ’em Oscar, you got it.
[to Truman]Harry Stamper: Uh, Noonan’s got some women friends he’d like to see made American citizens no questions asked… Max would like you to… bring back eight-track tapes. Not sure if that’s gonna work, but let’s see what else… Chick wants a full week’s Emperor’s Package at Caesar’s Palace. Um – hey, you guys wouldn’t be able to tell us who actually killed Kennedy, would ya? Didn’t think so. Um, Bear would like to stay at the…
[tries to read writing]Harry Stamper: “White horse”?
[looks up at Bear]Bear: White, *House*. White House.Harry Stamper: White House yeah, he’d like to stay in the Lincoln bedroom of the White House for the summer. Stuff like that.Dan: Sure, I think we can take care of… some of that.Rockhound: [shouting from balcony] Harry!Harry Stamper: [Motions back at Rockhound] Yeah one more thing, uh… none of them wanna pay taxes again.
[pauses]Harry Stamper: Ever. (they must be Conservatives!)

Ohhh, there is so much more, but if you’re a guy, you’re smiling and you get it. If you are not smiling, you are a woman, and wondering how in the hell do men still make more $$ than women per capita. Hey, at least you live longer.