“Roller blade, skateboard, and now pogo stick tracks! All suggesting an astronomical weight and all within a secluded and heavily wooded area completely uninhabited by humans. Frankly, Bernie, I’m surprised you can remain a skeptic at this point.”

“Well, have you checked with the park rangers in the area? Maybe it’s just a hefty celebrity in some exclusive weight loss nature program. Have you ever considered that?”

“A single sporting goods store in Fort McMurray, Alberta has reported eight separate break-ins this past year. The stolen goods correspond perfectly to the tracks and the dates they were found.”

“This is no laughing matter, Bernie. The local ATV and Harley-Davidson dealerships have been robbed. And the Canadian Forces Base at Cold Lake just reported a theft of some top secret equipment. Don’t you see? Bigfoot’s lust for extreme sports is escalating!”

“Go home, Mike. Get some rest.”

“B-B-Bernie. It’s—”

“I’ll call you when we need a column written.”

“B-b-behind you—”

“What? What is it?”

“Bigfoot! Bigfoot with a jetpack! Look behind you, quick!”

“Where? I don’t see anything.”

“Damn it! He flew off right before you turned around! He waved at me! You’ve got to believe me, Bernie! You’ve just got to!”

“Security!”

“No! Bigfoot is real! And he’s an adrenaline junkie! Nooo!”

“Whew. What a loony. Oh well, back to my exposé on salacious military emails.”