Wednesday, June 29, 2011

6 years ago: June 28, 2005

"Shane was killed 6 years ago today" were the words of a text my Dad sent. At first, all I saw was the word "killed". As soon as I read that word a hot flash went over my body thinking he was telling me someone else had died. It only lasted a few seconds till I could comprehend what I was reading. That feeling reminded me so much of the day I found out.

I remember watching the news about a helicopter that had crashed carrying Navy SEALs. It was the morning of June 28. My dad was seeing the same thing and we called each other to talk about it. "Dad are you seeing this?" I asked. His answer, "Yes, ... It doesn't sound good." I sent Shane probably 15 emails asking him if he was okay. "Shane I'm seeing on the news a helicopter went down carrying SEALs. Are you okay?" No response. Every part of me wanted to believe that he was okay, but deep down I had a bad feeling. I kind of knew this sounded too exact to where he was stationed and what he was doing.

Throughout the day I kept checking my email hoping to see a reply from Shane. There was none. Later that night my Dad called. His words were "Jimmy, you'd better get down here. The Navy is here." After hearing those words I felt like time had stopped. My response was pure anger. I knew it. I knew that feeling I had deep inside was right. I just didn't want to believe it. "Are you f###ing kidding me? Are you f###ing kidding me? ####!" I don't know why my response was so filled with anger, but it just was.

My wife and I drove into Boulder City. Straight to my Dad's house. I don't really remember the drive, just the very moment I stepped out of my truck. I remember it was dark and quiet. I could see the front door. I was afraid to go in. It was as if each step meant I was getting closer and closer to reality. As I walked inside, the first faces I saw were the two men from the Navy. They both looked right at me, but I looked away as quickly as I saw them. I kind of felt like they were the devil. Here were these two guys in my Dad's home telling us that Shane was dead. I hated them! I turned and saw my Dad standing in the middle of the living room and my two other brother's, Chase and Dean. Both of them were sitting on the couch with tears rolling down their faces. I went over and hugged my Dad. "What happened?" I asked. The devil responded...

This is what I remember of June 28, 2005. What an unforgiving day for my whole family. I have to remember too that there were other families just like us who were hearing the exact same news on that exact same day. My heart goes out to all of them. We got a chance to meat some of them when the Navy held a ceremony for the fallen SEALs. I remember seeing some of the little children, so small they might not have really even known what was going on at the time. That they would never again see their father. I've never experienced so much pain. As for the devil, I know they weren't evil. They were just doing their job which is obviously a very hard one to do. I respect all of our military. Without them, we wouldn't have a United States of America. I love my family more than anything in the world, and I know Shane is up in Heaven with Jesus looking down on us. Waiting to see us all again. Until then, Shane, I love you.

Thank you Jimmy,I am so sorry...I remember the last few time I saw Shane before he went to hawaii. he was so kind to me...I am broken hearted too, for Shane and all the Seals...I am happy you know Jesus Christ...He brings us comfort...

jimmy, I posted on Seal of Honor the pictures of the memorial placques on the mountain in hawaii. I hope you saw them. A koa tree was planted there in honor of Shane and his 3 other team mates. Maybe some day you can go and see these too. a man named Bill accidently stumbled upon them when he was hiking and sent me the pictures e took. i love you and your brothers dearly Jimmy, that has always been and I accept that I will never see you again but you exist in my heart with Shane, it can be no other way...I cannot forget...love

The day my father passed I was given his rosary...then on June 28, 2005 I found a rosary and was holding it, remembering my father. the phone rang and I was told that Shane had been killed. I held the rosary to my heart with tears flowing, I began the long drive to my home on Kauai...I called his mom, but she couln't talk she was so distraught. I don't remember othe drive, I only know I felt like and openwindow and the grief was blowing through me. I have little memory after that. Then came the funeral and meeting my family in Boulder City for one of the most saddest days in our life.

I am crying and so heart broken to read this and now feel what you boys and your dad went through. I haven't read your post until just this moment. As your long lost loving mother, I too can remember this day, June 28, 2005. I got a phone call from my best friend, Luana. Lorie, Ben's mom called my dad when she saw it on the news that day. Lorie called Grampa Berdeski, Grampa couldn't call me so he called Luana. Luana couldn't tell me so she told my husband, Robert. Robert told me - and I could tell by his face that someone had died. I started screaming "What! What !" "Someone has Died ?" he couldn't speak, only shook his head. "My Mom !", no , "My Dad !" , no , "Jimmy !" "Shane !" yes. OH MY GOD NOOOOOOOO...NOOOO..... NOOOOO..... OH MY GOD... NOOOOOO..... I can't go on with this, it is too painful to relive it right now...

Shane resides within me now in the same way he was with me the moment I knew I was pregnant with him... Jimmy, you were 3 months old. Oh My Gosh - I Love You So Much - I Love You Four Children more than myself. I would come out there but I am afraid of Jim... I am sorry... I am a strong woman in many ways... but my fear of him is too strong... I hope that some day you will come see me. I am your mother and I am the nicest person I know, anyone will tell you that, except Jim... I wish you boys would come to see me, and see for yourselves - I'm aging just like you boys are and I want you in my life. I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH... Mom... 619-948-0522 cell

Shane has been in my thought quite often recently so I tend to come to this page quite often and re read and re read and re read. Sometimes I think....maybe this is all fake and hes really undercover spy and were not suposto know hes still alive. I know it sounds crazy.I often have dreams with shane in them, he usto be really mad and upset with me, made me feel guilty for something i may have done, or not visiting him like i promised before he was deployed. Now when I dream of him we are happy conversating about the past. Maybe this is me comming to terms and letting go. I dont know why im even writing all of this, i just felt like I had to tell someone my thoughts and feelings. I thik of all you guys and hope your lives are filled with much happiness.RIP Shane, Ill always love you