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Topic: Hard day

Re: Hard day

CM, in what way are you having a bad day? You can e mail me if you like as sometimes it just helps to pound it out. Or, if you want to talk....email me your phone number. The really bad days just sneak in there now and then. That's when I would get in to the car and drive a few blocks and first I would let out a scream, then I would listen to Mama Mia and sing loud until my throat got raspy. Only took a few minutes but it sure felt good after. Wish I could take away everyone's "bad" days. Sending big hugs!

Re: Hard day

Lainy - I read your post about getting in your car and driving -

For a year after my mother passed away, every time I got into the car to drive to work or when I drove home from work, the tears would just flow! - as soon as I arrived at work or home, I wiped my face and went on with my day (or night) - my car was a private sanctuary where I could let go and then re-group -

So I hope you can find a time/place where you can get some relief - even a warm soak in the tub helps!

Re: Hard day

The car is my sanctuary too.... how funny that it's the same for so many people. I still cry MUCH more often when I am driving alone then any other time. I can think and feel freely, it's quiet (or there's a good song on that makes me think of Dad), and there's nobody to interrupt my grief. I feel much better afterwords, so I let it happen without holding back.

CM - I am thinking of you, and hope you are having a better day today.

Re: Hard day

Thanks everyone-I am sorry for being down- I try so hard to be up sometimes it all falls down-

I am tired of being sad- I feel physcially different, heavier. I look at photos of us together and I remember how happy we were. I long to feel that lightness and happiness but is is gone. Grief is consuming and it comes in waves when I am least expecting it- I was on the phone to my sister and her husband was laughing a really hearty laugh with their two kids in the background- should be a lovely sound but when I hung up I cried sore for me, for my husband and for our daughter.

Re: Hard day

CM, please don't put yourself down as we all grieve differently. I thought I was over the worst as Teddy passed December 6th, but this last week I have had the hardest time yet. Don't know why, it just happens. I believe that you and your daughter will draw strength from each other, you need to give it a little more time. How cold would we be i

Re: Hard day

Dear CM, I haven't been on in a while but after reading your post I needed to. My husband lost his battle with cc on July 26th. Everything you wrote is exactly how I feel too. I am so sorry for your loss. For me driving in the car is the worst, i begin to cry and that's it, I just lose it! My two daughters are back in school, my youngest just started OSU in Semtember so, it's pretty quiet at my house now too. I will be keeping you in my prayers. The only thing that keeps me from completely falling apart is knowing that Jeff and I will be together again. Take care. -Jenny

Re: Hard day

Dear CM and Jenny,Ever since my daughter was diagnosed my world seem different. It seems like the whole cancer thing is on my mind 24/7. It is nice to have a place to come to where people feel the same. It makes you feel like you aren't crazy, but actually quite normal. I think people that aren't in our shoes as caregivers, patients, or family members can't understand what we really go through no matter how hard they try. We, here on this discussion board know exactly how another person feels as soon as we read their post. I sure find comfort in that. I wish you both happier days ahead. -Pam

My beautiful daughter, Lauren Patrice, will live on in my heart forever.

My comments, suggestions, and opinions are based on my experience as a caretaker for my daughter, Lauren and from reading anything I can get my hands on about Cholangiocarcinoma. Please consult a physician for professional guidance.

Re: Hard day

What? Pam? Thank goodness you don't find us crazy! :)It was this Board that got me through the 5 years of Teddy's battle and now it keeps me going after my loss. People like you and CM and so many others make me feel at times that this whole Board of people would do a fine job of running the world. Can you just imagine a world run by the kind and brave people on our site? I feel a verse coming on!

I asked for strength. God gave me difficulties to make me strong. I asked for wisdom. God gave me problems to solve. I asked for prosperity. God gave me brawn and brain to work. I asked for courage. God gave me dangers to overcome. I asked for patience. God placed me in situations where I was forced to wait. I asked for love. God gave me troubled people to help. I asked for favors. God gave me opportunities. I received nothing I wanted. I received everything I needed. Today is another first day of your life!

Re: Hard day

Lainy,I absolutely, positively love you. You are the best!! You always make me laugh no matter how dark my day is. You truly are a gem. Thank you so much for being you and taking the time to brighten all of our days.Love, Pam

My beautiful daughter, Lauren Patrice, will live on in my heart forever.

My comments, suggestions, and opinions are based on my experience as a caretaker for my daughter, Lauren and from reading anything I can get my hands on about Cholangiocarcinoma. Please consult a physician for professional guidance.

Re: Hard day

Pam, its purely selfish as I truly get more than I give from all of you extraordinary people!By the way I would like to say, before I forget.....I had my PET Scan last Friday for my own rare Cancer and it was stable! So I am starting my third year cancer free! Point is, I do practice what I preach and I can be preachy.But thank you always for the nice compliments.

Re: Hard day

Great news Lainy! I am happy for you. If you don't mind me asking, what type of cancer do you have? I will pray for it to stay stable or get better. I would rather you got better! Love, Pam

My beautiful daughter, Lauren Patrice, will live on in my heart forever.

My comments, suggestions, and opinions are based on my experience as a caretaker for my daughter, Lauren and from reading anything I can get my hands on about Cholangiocarcinoma. Please consult a physician for professional guidance.

Re: Hard day

Thanks Pam. I am doing just fine. I had a GIST (Gastrol Intestinal Tumor) and had surgery 2 years ago this month. It is actually more rare than CC so Teddy and I used to laugh about that, like who has the rarest! I was so busy with him at the time that I didn't worry about myself and that attitude just remained with me. It was 10 cm but they got it all. At the same time they found a benign tumor on the other side of my intestine and removed that. I just have to follow up with 4 month visits to the ONC and 6 month PET Scans...for 3 more years. Oddly its another one that sneaks up on you and there is not much you can do except surgery. There is a chemo pill but my ONC felt I didn't need it. IF it returns it can met to other sites and organs. Honestly I don't think about it except for the scanxieties!

Re: Hard day

All of you are remarkable, Adam! I had told you not to be afraid of Petra's actual passing and now I am saying, do not be afraid of the Funeral. I tried not to think about Teddy's too much but it's hard not to when you are the one making all the plans. I did fine and it was everything he would have wanted it to be. I am Jewish he was Catholic and I had it at the Catholic Church. It was the first time ever that a Rabbi was on the alter and gave the Eulogy. Teddy was in both choirs so the Catholic Choir and the Jewish Choir sang. At the reception after, I had a microphone set up and everyone who wanted to could say what ever they wanted. IT WAS AWESOME. Teddy's sister is married to the lead tenor of The Four Lads, not sure if you know who they are, they have been around since the 50's. Anyway he got up and said Teddy was channeling through him and he sang "I Did It My Way". Then all Teddy's kids and Grandkids got up and in honor of his favorite time of year sang, "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas". It was a time for fond Memories. I am sending my love and best wishes for you and your children to have a day that celebrates the wonderful wife and mother that was Petra!

Re: Hard day

Lainy, thanks for your advice. I'm right there with Adam...this really sucks. My dad is so lost right now. I'm a basket case, so I'm not real helpful. But I keep him out and about, since there is lots to do right now. I'm exhausted. It's only 8 here, and I'm ready for bed.

We spent lots of time looking through photos. I wanted to put some on the tables at the reception with the flowers. I thought that helped me quite a bit. I looked at all the pictures of my mom and said, "She really had a great life, perhaps too short, but she sure had fun." Then I realized I had 40 good years with my mom. A lot more than other people get the chance to have. Then today my dad and I went out, I saw women my moms age with their mothers and I couldn't take that.

Adam...I am sending you good thoughts for your and your children. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. She was much too young.

Re: Hard day

MN, honestly you will be fine! You will be fine because you have to. I had forgotton but my daughter had made center pieces each was made in a triangle using see through pictures and in the middle of each set of 3 was a lit voltive candle. Lots of friends and family took pictures of Teddy home. I also had a beautiful picture of Teddy blown up and had that on an easel at the entrance to the Church then moved it to the reception hall and now its in his place of honor in the dining room. That way he is always with us, literally, for all the family dinners.

Re: Hard day

Yesterday was Petra's funeral. It was wonderful and horrible at the same time. The Church was packed, the hyms powerful and the minister cool. We couldn't affect a Jewish-Catholic rapprochement but it was a good atheist-Methodist-Anglican-Moslem thing.

The eulogy was by a guy who looked like me. In spirit, I was in a corner of the room distraught and in a heap, while my phsyical form stood up and spoke. People laughed. They said how great is was. I can't believe that it was me. Something took over. People said they recognised Petra in what I said. She was so funny. I don't think I will ever have fun like that again.

Re: Hard day

Adam, Petra is so proud of you as am I. Sounds to me like you had the United Nations there! You did it just as Petra would have wanted and that is absolutely a beautiful thing. Now you will begin to live your "new normal" however, Petra will never be far away. Life does go on just as Petra and Teddy would want it to. Love and hugs to you and the children!

The information expressed is not medical advice. The discussion boards are not intended to replace the services of a trained health professional or to be a substitute for the medical advice of physicians or other healthcare providers. Read the full disclaimer.