STAR TREK V - THE FINAL FRONTIER (1989) William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, Deforest Kelley, and Sean Connery as Sybok. (Actually, this almost happened for real. At least, until the writer's strike and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade)

THE MONEY SHOT (2006) No introduction is needed for this Woody Allen comedy about two mob guys who enter the witness protection program via the British Porn industry!) James Gandolfini, Robert DeNiro, Paul Bettany, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, Mira Sorvino, Rachel Leigh Cook, Minnie Driver, Zooey Deschanel, and Ron Jeremy)

YOUR GRAVE OR MINE (1993) Off-beat Comedy -based on a true story, directed by Andrew Bergman. A mediocre major league baseball player moonlights as a "grave digger" to make ends meet in the off season. Bruce Willis, Bill Paxton, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Frances Sternahgen, Max Von Sydow, Wilford Brimley, and Mary Louise Parker.

THE KIELBASA WAY - (1999) Two Polish spot-welders become international folk heroes when they build a kayak that circumnavigates the world without an outboard motor. Jim Carrey, Owen Wilson, Jeroen Krabbe, Edward Fox, Gabriel Byrne, and Mila Jovovich.

LIMEYTOWN - (2004) Much anticipated sequel to the off-beat hit "THE LIMEY" finds contract hitman Terence Stamp crossing paths with a stuttering London crime lord (played by Tom Wilkinson) who suffers from Alzheimer's disease. Rachel Weisz, Helen Mirren, Robbie Coltrane, and Kate Winslet are along for this forgetful journey.

KILL OR BE KISSED - (2005) The world's most dangerous assassin, Jet Li, takes on his most challenging assignment: Protect two co-joined Siamese twin hotties from harm's way in Brooklyn during the New York City Marathon. Lindsay Lohan, James Franco, Peter Bogdonavich, and Chris Cooper.

ORANGEMAN - (1985) Patrick Swayze stars as the action comic book hero ORANGEMAN. After a routine recovery of a nuclear test missile off the coast of Florida, Seargent Brent Bentley discovers that he IS the citrus crusader after consuming a radiactive orange. Joel Gray, Lea Thompson, Jim Brown, Barry Bostwick, and Kelly Lynch irradiate the screen.

The Sheriff would have to be played by some excellent, underappreciated "heavy" like Malcolm McDowell, Timothy Dalton or Bob Hoskins - not only because they're amazing actors but because they're in so much sh*t these days.

I thought it was about various casting announcements which, for one reason or another, never came to fruition, such as, at one point the Beatles were announced as the lead actors for a proposed film of THE LORD OF THE RINGS! (Truth!)

Or Calvin Culver, a gay porn star, announced as the lead in a proposed film version of Mary Renault's classic novel, THE KING MUST DIE, co-starring Maggie Smith, no less!

JUST CLONING AROUND (1988) Steven Spielberg presents the last of his 80's canon of "kids-oriented" action films. Directed by Barry Levinson, young Josh (River Phoenix) is the timid high school geek nobody likes. An accident at his uncle's lab creates an exact clone of him - well, not exactly. The clone is smarter, funnier, stronger, and more "hip" than the geeky Josh. With a race againt time and pursuit by government agents, Josh must discover who he is before they do. Peter Weller, Winona Ryder, Orson Bean, Clancy Brown, and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio

STOP OR MY DAD WILL FART (1994) Much anticipated sequel to STOP OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT finds newly promoted Captain Bomowski (Sylvester Stallone) and long lost father (Pat Cooper) tracking down a schizophrenic preacher (Dennis Hopper) who threatens LA with poison bibles. Jobeth Williams, Ving Rhames, John Wesley Shipp.

MADCOW AND MRS. YIP (1978) Based on a true story. A rug salesman from Columbus (Peter Falk) abandons his life in search of the perfect religion. Jill Clayburgh, Mark Hamill, Will Sampson, Marsha Mason, and Brad Dourif

BAD TRAVELING MUSIC (2002) Down-on-their-luck and out of work New Jersey friends Fred and Sal (Jon Favreau and Ethan Suplee) lament on each other's answering machines as each try to find his way in life. A chance encounter with their adult hero (Dr. Michael Baden) offers them a sobering reality and optimistic future. Drea De Matteo, Artie Lange, Kevin Smith, Tara Reid, and Frank Vincent

Due to have been Bond 16, starring James Brolin as 007, with Pamela Anderson as Rhoda Llewellyn, Bruce Willis as Philip Masters, Philip Madoc as The Governor and Eric Idle as Bluefold, the power-crazed number one of international terror network Al Cluedo.

Dropped when someone pointed out that Americans may not know what the words "quantum", "solace" or "of" meant. Later surfaced, somewhat re-worked, as British sitcom "Very Little Comfort" starring Wendy Craig and that bloke that played the Admiral in Goldeneye.

North Thread Hijack - remake of North Sea Hijack, but updated to the internet age.

A poster on an internet messageboard keeps hijacking innocent fun threads by bogging them down with his own political musings - this time about Oliver North. No-one cares, except Roger Moore, back in action, as he's just finished his PC FOR DUMMIES book, and his hot chocolate drink.

Also starring Michael Parks, and the sons of David Hemmings, and Richard Harris Music by John Scott. Directed by Franklin J. Schaffner.

North Thread Hijack - remake of North Sea Hijack, but updated to the internet age.

A poster on an internet messageboard keeps hijacking innocent fun threads by bogging them down with his own political musings - this time about Oliver North. No-one cares, except Roger Moore, back in action, as he's just finished his PC FOR DUMMIES book, and his hot chocolate drink.

Also starring Michael Parks, and the sons of David Hemmings, and Richard Harris Music by John Scott. Directed by Franklin J. Schaffner.

Remade with a special "twist" by Oliver Stone. This time around, the hijacker totally makes up sh*t and then hijacks his own thread. Readers of the thread are interviewed throughout the movie and swear that there is a conspiracy to conceal the fact that there are at least three hijackers. (Side story involves providing "proof" that man did not walk on the moon....starring Michael Moore)