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I just wanted to check in with you all and let you know that I’m here and I’m watching a TON of TV. As usual. Ok, so I’m planning a bunch of posts for 2017. I want to talk about more TV, but also spotlight some of my favorite films and songs, etc.

Here’s what I’m thinking: On a monthly basis, I want to have at least ONE extensive TV post and a film review. Here and there I’ll post about music because those are a lot easier and faster to do. I’ve been watching newer TV series lately, but I definitely want to continue talking about my favorite classics. This means that some rewatching is required.

By the end of this month, I’ll have a few new posts up since I’ve been working on about five interchangeably. I’m glad that you all have been enjoying my content as reading takes a lot more time to do versus watching reviews on Youtube or something. I hope you all are well and enjoying the holiday season!

As we all know right now, the U.S. made a big decision this week that’s hurting a lot of people – including myself. I’m honestly struggling to wrap my head around it. I’m trying to find something that genuinely takes my mind off of it and brings me back down to earth. So my writing will be more sporadic than usual. I’m still working on Roswell, but I find that my passion for writing it has waivered a bit.

But please stick around and read my other material. I will return bolder and as clever as ever with my non-stoppings about TV (and music and film).

To keep up with tradition, I thought I’d post a little something for my favorite Halloween music. Cat Power’s cover of Michael Hurley’s “The Werewolf” has definitely been one of my favorite tunes this October. Hurley’s original track is just as haunting and transcendent. It gives me absolute chills, which is perfect for this Halloween season.

I don’t know about you guys, but this October has been really stressful. Honestly, I feel like I haven’t been able to catch my breath. I’ve just been pushing through, and trying to smile and mask it all. It’s been a heck of a month and I cannot wait until November. Halloween has never been one of my favorite holidays as I feel like it’s the time for childish and outlandish behavior, which gives permission to people to not act like themselves. I didn’t go into October thinking, ‘oh, I’m going to be someone different!’ It kind of snuck up on me and I involuntarily felt like someone else all month long.

Being in disguise kind of takes a toll on you for an entire month. Looking into the mirror and not recognizing the eyes staring back at you is frustrating and kind of heartbreaking because I’ve just been trying to find my way back to myself. Feeling trapped while someone else reaches the surface is surely a recipe for stress and depression.

With all of that said, Cat Power’s “Werewolf” has been a familiar and uncanny anchor for me to feel like myself. Her voice just always clears my view through all of the fog. It’s like I can hear her energy and it jolts me back into reality. There’s a glimmer of myself that I can catch, even if it only last a few minutes. Also, a song about being a werewolf is just another snippet of relatability. Having to transform into something unfamiliar and untameable to wake up not remembering who you were for a moment of time? Yeah, I copy that loud and clear.

I wish I could say Happy Halloween…but to sign off on a positive note, Happy end of October!

Every day I try to block my thoughts about how lonely I really feel. I keep pushing myself towards goals that I only set for myself and setting obstacles that only I believe will get me to these goals. It’s tiring. It’s exhilarating. It’s also just a way for me to stall. I’m stalling myself from living fruitfully and honestly.

If I had it my way, I’d be living in a whimsical little town where I’d shop at a farmers market and I’d write about everything that made me happy. I would KNOW what made me happy. I would meet people that shared my views and we would have fulfilling conversations in coffee shops. I would travel to see music artists that made time stop and I’d feel like I was on top of the world. Artists like Patrick Watson.

I wouldn’t live in fear. And not just fear of the unknown or outside forces, but also fear of myself. Guys, I’m honestly afraid to live my life the way that I truly want it to be. And it’s not entirely about failure. It’s not about me not being strong enough to pursue my dreams. It’s how I go about them. I give myself these little limitations to keep myself in check. I like having some kind of control over myself, which means that I allow others to have control over me as well. That way, I’m not truly free to get myself into situations that may be hard. But honestly, living means that you face all that life has to throw at you and you can’t always come out on top. You have to be unafraid to step out there and soar as high as you can. There may not be a perfect calculation or formula to how you get to achieve your dreams. It may be messy. It may be a little unpredictable.

I put myself in a stronghold to feel some kind of security. I honestly don’t know what it is, but I’m afraid of something. Maybe it’s failure. Maybe it’s loneliness. Maybe it’s just me.

Anyway, the point of this is that this song tends to bring out these emotions and these thoughts. My entire life, I’ve felt like I’ve just been so lost. I’ve been moving in circles or moving in misdirections trying to get to some mirage. I’d think that I’ve found my destination, but it’ll move further and further away from me the more steps that I took towards it. I push people away and I stick close to people that are poisonous to my mind and spirit. Sometimes that means family.

I also push people away or keep them at an arm’s length. But I also stick close to people that are poisonous to my mind and spirit. I don’t have a real idea of what love is or what it feels like to be in love. I also don’t know if it’s a necessity of life, but I feel like it should be. I think I’d be ok with looking up and seeing someone from across the room that made everything feel right. That made it all seem beautiful. And I’d equally make them feel the same way. When it comes to that sort of thing, love or romance, I become something of a droid. Thinking that if I say this or if I behave exactly like that – it’ll be correct. It’ll be the way to show exactly how I feel. But no. It’ll just make me look and sound like someone else.

Songs like these are what open my mind to all the beauty in the world. I forget sometimes that the world doesn’t revolve around me and I am a part of something huge. Something that my mind can’t fathom. But while I’m here on earth, I should try to let joy in. I should try to give myself a little breathing room and not bully myself. I should be more open and be more myself. I should just be.