Friday afternoon edit before yoga: I am doing better today. This morning was bingy but I made sure to watch myself as the afternoon went by. I am happy that my binge from yesterday is in the past and that today is a new day. I still have a goal of weightloss throughout January till June. I want to be successful, mainly because I believe that what is on the inside is not comparable to how I feel about myself on the outside.

Exercise will be at least two hours. (1/2 hour on treadmill and 1.5 hours yoga.) ...now i'm off to make a few journal comments and then catch up later with the rest of the journals! I'm excited about that! :)

_____________________________________________

Thursday entry:

1/2 hour exercise.

total 12 hrs, 5 min.

I don't think i can comment on journals right now, i'm too spacey from this binge.

oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. sorry for the language, but i made a horribble choice after school today. This whole day i was hungry, moreso than usual. I didn't have cake at lunch bc it was someone's bday, but i DID come home and eat tablespoons and tablespoons of peanut butter, chips, bread, frankfurters and everything else like sweet yogurts and dried fruit that destroys a diet.

is my diet totally destroyed? of course not....

my face was improving bc i've been eating better, but today's binge surely will most definitely have an effect on the clarity of my skin...breakouts and all... i'm praying that it doesn't get worse though.

i walked 20 min in the AM. First, my plan was to do both volunteering and yoga after school. but, i was too exhausted. I am home and decided only to do yoga but then i found myself totally wrapped up in a large binge so no yoga today.

total calories are 3450. (the binge was a full 2600 cal.)

not a good day but any means. I am not proud because now i have definitely had a backslide in weightloss. what's the point of knowing what i do about health and nutrition if i can't actually use the knowledge i have. binging makes me NOT want to go out because i feel bad about myself and how i look.

i have a date Saturday evening and now I don't want to go. I spent the whole week trying to keep calories low because of my binge saturday. now, I have binged twice, Saturday and today, Thursday. arg!!! not good!!!

basically, i realize that whenever i decide to cancel my plans, it always results in a binge. so i guess being lazy is not the way to go. or, i should have just taken a nap and went to volunteer. I have to REMEMBER that TIRED doesn't mean EAT.

i'm frustrated because i know i can be something so much better than i am. on the outside is not what i know from the inside. this is hard and it shouldn't be.

I think i'm ready to stop eating when full. I think, but i'm not sure, that I am ready to be an intuitive eater again. I will count calories, but i will try to stop when full. Maybe i'll be much more successful this way. We'll see. I'm not happy how things are going.

I promise myself to be smarter about this. Much smarter. :(

Goodnight.

workingit2 on 01/10/2008:
It sure is very hard, for ALL of us. We each have our own things that trip us up, so please don't feel alone. For as much as we all talk about everything that is good for us, and as much as we advise each other on what to do..we should all be at goal and healthy as horses, right? The most important thing is, you are learning..every time you find success, every time you fall..you still learn. And by posting openly about it the way you do, you also teach others.

Take care of yourself and rest well =)

vvvzena2 on 01/10/2008:
We all have those bad days when we want to eat everything in the house. Actually, I did today. I did really well until we went grocery shopping. I had a McDonald's snack wrap, small fry, and when we got home, I just about ate a whole box of chicken fried rice. You really can't beat yourself up too bad when this happens. If you do, you'll only make yourself feel worse than you should. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go at it again. I'm rooting for ya!

legcramps on 01/10/2008:
I agree with workingit...you are very courageous for admitting your defeats and failures here on dd's. I know for a fact that there have been many times where I have chosen to not journal at all because of the massive binge/bad day that I had. On top of the binge/bad day itself, I just cannot bear for anyone to know how much of a negative impact I can be on myself.

Remember why you're here and decide what it is you need to make a priority and work on that for a while, instead of trying to struggle through each binge feeling like a failure. It's just not worth it, HoP, it's not worth the amount of time you're spending on feeling like crap. As much as we say we have our whole lives ahead of us, that time can fly by so quickly and it would be very sad if most of that time was spent feeling horrible about ourselves.

Geez, I REALLY think I should take my own advice...

hollybelle on 01/11/2008:
You ARE learning so much. And we are learning through you, too. I loved what the others said here and find it amazing we are all so full of good advice. I realize I equate tired with eat, too. Tired means rest. I need to remember that next time, too!

maria777 on 01/11/2008:
Thanks for your encouraging words to my entry. As for your binge, it could have been MORE than 2600 cals! Just be glad it wasn't MORE and move on! I've had food binges like that, myself. I had just 'had it' and decided I was going to 'eat what I wanted' and I did! Then I got back on track!

CharlieAngel on 01/11/2008:
I think that this diet journal thing is a tool that I use to keep myself accountable, if it helps someone else, fine, if not, oh well! I sometimes go back and re-read my own journals and try to figure out what I was doing when I was successful and not so much.... Although not every one has the same issues, enough of us do that whatever you write will probably strike a cord with someone. I am sure that you will figure it out...take care of yourself.

horn_of_plenty - Wednesday Jan 09, 2008

Weight: 0.0

good day overall. there WAS binge eating, but it was on healthy foods and i was able to still keep calories at a very good average. calories are 1280 and that makes me very happy. I'm STILL bloated from my binge on the weekend which is really annoying!

binge eating to me means eating when not physically hungry and eating past full...as well as contantly snacking.

the test was HARD to say the least. you can tell everyone thought so. It wasn't even meant to be finished! nobody finished any section. I think i did on the best on the reading part. there were also spelling, analysis, math, and science questions...as well as a part meant to test you on your personality. The hardest section for me was the science. I haven't taken any science for awhile on there were questions on physics, chemistry, anatomy, biology...you name it! so, that was not so hot. everything else was ok. I honestly think i did do well enough to get into a program still! Results and interviews for any program don't take place until the end of february and march. so lots of waiting time.

i did go to yoga and i also took two walks today.

today's exercise: 2hr, 10 min

total exercise: 11hrs, 35 min! :)

CritterMom on 01/10/2008:
Aren't you glad to have that test behind you now? Good job on the exercise today.

hollybelle on 01/10/2008:
Hey there! You asked me what a French Dip sandwich is - it's just a roast beef snadwich (usually thinly sliced) on Frnech Bread served with au jus to dip it in. Very good. What test did you take - didn't see that in previous. Also - good calories Wednesday!!!

i had a mini-binge today. chips and english muffins and butter spray. lol. my lack of sleep and slight depression feelings caught up.

happily, i can report i stopped the binge after awhile.

1775 calories.

I will go to yoga, even though it's on a full stomach.

Today's exercise: 1.5 hours.

total: 9hrs, 25 min

It's gonna be a tough yoga class...ouch! :) bending over...i can feel my stomach already! but i have to go, i have to break through this.

I went to register this morning, leaving my house at 6:45am. I got to the community college at about 7am. thank god i got there then because there was already a line forming!!!!! yeah, that's right! and registration didn't start until 9am! so we waited and waited, talked and talked. I ended up getting into a sunday class in anatomy and physiology from 8:40am till 3pm! yeah, long class indeed! I originally asked for the saturday class, but the girl who went in before me got the last seat! so, I was happy to get in and know i don't have to worry anymore about that!

After that, I had to actually go somewhere else once signed in by the chairperson...i had to go to registration and wait on another line! Things took so long! then, i was told to wait on line, a third line, to pay the bill! i was angry bc i had to go back to work and couldn't believe i had to wait on the line just to pay and that i couldn't do it at another time! so, then this lady comes over about 10 minutes later, as i'm complaining to everyone and everything that will listen, annoucing to everyone that we don't have to pay now and we can go upstairs to pick up our bill and pay online within 48 hours! So, i immediately left, picked up my bill, and went to work! ugh!!!! yuck!

lately, everything is one large cruddy process! Life is a process I am learning, and we all just have to struggle through it. It makes you a better person if you do.

so, now i'm off to yoga on a bloated stomach! yucky. at least my calories are not astronomically, although most of the calories i did eat today...and all of the calories i ate this afternoon, are carbs...bread and chips. lol. arg. enough complaining already from me!...and no, i wasn't taking my time eating and that's why i binged!

shadetree on 01/08/2008:
Okay - get positive...You got into an A&P class - I remember back when I went to CC that it was impossible for people to get into one. Something like 300 people trying to get into 60 seats....Be happy that you are one step closer :).

Enjoy yoga tonight!

Donkey on 01/08/2008:
See that's not how I read your entry. You said you are learning that life is one large cruddy process. I think you've learned that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Good for you for complaining about waiting in line, and then getting results for your voice! Me, I would have just sat there for 3 hours and worried about it. I'm still trying to muster up courage to speak out.

starfish on 01/08/2008:
At least you stopped your binge. Very good :) and good for you for going to yoga!

fritters on 01/09/2008:
You stopped that binge before it was out of hand - good job! It must feel good to have registration done and know that you are on your way. Have a good day

legcramps on 01/09/2008:
I was having a rough day yesterday too, but unlike you, I decided to let it pull me under and I ended up accomplishing NOTHING. I can't believe, and I don't like myself much at all at the moment. I guess all we can say is that it's only one day, and just keep picking ourselves up off the ground. Yoga on a full stomach is hard to do - i'm trying to picture myself doing it on a full stomach. Painful.

Have a much better day today! I'm going to work on my exercise hours today!

vvvzena2 on 01/09/2008:
I'm a very vocal person myself. I've been told that it's not the best personal charateristics.:-) I think it can be. I'm glad that you got into your classes that you wanted, and that you still had the willpower to go to your yoga class! Good for you!:-) You ended your day on a good note. You should be proud of yourself.

horn_of_plenty - Monday Jan 07, 2008

Weight: 0.0

TUESDAY AM edit: I couldn't sleep most of the night bc i was thinking about registration....I'll leave my house around 6am today and just park at the college and wait till i see people head up to register. i'm going to be sooo tired later!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I promise to comment on more journal entries tomorrow, there are SO MANY!

today is going well which i'm happy about. I'll definitely update tomorrow or tonight in a more detailed entry. I'm shooting for a good day tomorrow. I do have to agree that my bingy 10:45 pm edit:

days are getting better. I try to keep busy or at least have a schedule. I also try to keep healthy food in my house. Most of all, I try to tell myself I am worth it. After I binged Saturday, I was bloated all Sunday and I am still not back to normal now! So, I miss the unbloated feeling and do realize how unhealthy it feels to be bloated. it's true!

I'm soo tired. Tomorrow I go to register for a course in the AM...I'll show up way before 9am which is the registration time so that I make sure i get into a course! I'm soooo excited! Then, off to work I go... Then I think I may move volunteering to this Thursday because I think I want to go to yoga tomorrow and call it an early night, unlike tonight!

Goodnight!

...i just called the college and it turns out i'll be waking up at 5am and arriving before 6 just to get on the line to register so that i get into the course. turns out people line up really early! ugh ugh! I definitely Don't want to volunteer tomorrow afternoon...but i probably should, for otherwise i might binge...i do that during stressful times... i will definitely work not to.

___________________________________________________

calories : 1160...probably a snack after a late yoga class. It starts at 8pm, ends at 9:30. The reason I'm going so late is because i showed up for an earlier one but was turned away because it was already full! oops. Everyone has New Year's commitments and it seems more people are going. I should probably leave my house really soon, even though it's only 7:20 so i get a good spot!

My calories are good because I've had a busy afternoon and evening. It always helps! But, sometimes you can just be running all around because a hectic schedule can easily catch up with you!

Exercise: 1hr, 50 min. (I did a short 20 minute AM walk today.)

Total exercise: 7hrs, 55min. okay, getting better! :)

shadetree on 01/07/2008:
Glad to hear you're squeezing in a yoga class. calories are doing well - keep it up!

I went out driving today and saw that ALL of the fitness places, even the little ones, the parking lots were PACKED. Sadly, I'll drive past those same places in March and April and they won't even be half full. Just the diehards will be left lol.

I hope your backside starts to feel better! Have a great evening =)

legcramps on 01/07/2008:
I think your bingy days are getting much better, don't you think? Congrats on the great turn of events, keep it up!!

Okay, i'm challenging you in total exercise hours for January. No goal, we just have to try to beat the other person. I'm a sickly competitive person, so are you in????!!!!

dearerdiarist on 01/07/2008:
Oh you are soooooooooo good getting right back there after you were turned away. There are so many stories that you could have told yourself to blow it off today. Great job!!!

fritters on 01/07/2008:
I am glad that you are having a good day. It is good that you are willing to go back for the yoga. I don't know that I would!

Workingit2 on 01/07/2008:
LOL it did take much longer to comment on diaries today..lots of folks, yay!

So happy that you had a great day and that the guy you are seeing understands your eating. I know it really helps me that Brian understands I like to eat differently...it takes the pressure off and helps me feel even more motivated to continue. Good luck at your registration tomorrow!

Moody2 on 01/07/2008:
Great to hear that you had a good day! Hope you enjoyed yoga tonight..and uggg is right at getting up early and standing in line, but you'll be glad you did! Good luck!

kyrin on 01/08/2008:
I'm wishing you Good luck (and patience) with your registration. I remember when our colleges used to do registrations that way. It was so much easier after they printed catalogs and let us go online to register!

borntocry on 01/08/2008:
Hi HoP! Great to see you doing so well. Thanks for sharing the love a little with your helpful comments. I'm trying to take your advice and not let a "slightly" high calorie day derail me too much. I was doing quite well until Sunday. That was the first time in a long while that I found myself eating just for the sake of eating, because I knew my calories were already so high that there was no point stopping. And that's really a horrible frame of mind to be in!

harleygirl79 on 01/08/2008:
Hope your able to get the classes you want. My nephew is going through that now at OSU. He is thinking about changing schools to someplace smaller, like Case Western Reserve. More options for classes he wants. Get some rest and have a great day.

caz on 01/08/2008:
Reading your comments reminde me that I have college tomoz..oooh dear, it's hard to get motivated for it sometimes. I go once a month on a wed, sat, sun..Can't believe it's came around so quickly.. Hope all goes ok with registration and you get to do the course you want..Keep up the grat work ..xx

CritterMom on 01/08/2008:
Hope you get that class you're trying to get into!

Good job on the exercise.

dearerdiarist on 01/08/2008:
Oh, such bittersweet memories of registering for college classes... Studying the catalog so carefully and organizing time constraints and then learning that there are no more openings or that a class has been cancelled... I didn't think that people actually physically lined up for the last twenty years!? Why aren't able to register from home online? Well good luck to you! Hope you get exactly what you want. Busy day, treat yourself nice.

legcramps on 01/08/2008:
Good luck with registration this morning! Yes, keep yourself busy today to avoid bingeing. I should take my own advice...

CharlieAngel on 01/08/2008:
Good for you! You made the decision and stuck to it even though you were turned away. Good luck with registration....hope you get all the classes you want. Have a great day!

vvvzena2 on 01/08/2008:
Glad to see that you are so motivated, and sticking to it! I think the trick is to not beat ourselves up to much when we fall off of the wagon. We're human. According to my 13 year old, I may not be. But hey, what does a 13 year old know! lol I hope you get the class that you're wanting. Good luck!

calories are 1415. could be a whole lot worse but my appetite got dampened later in the evening so i decided to use it to my advantage.

exercise: 1.5 hours walking yeah!

total jan exercise: 6hrs, 5 min.

timeforachange on 01/06/2008:
Good job with calories keeping them in range and nice exercise for the day =). Glad you seem in better spirits, and sorry about the butt cheek! =P Hope tomorrow is a good day for you!

fritters on 01/07/2008:
Good job on the calories and exercise. I hope you can sit comfortably today!

Contessa on 01/07/2008:
Sounds like you're off to a great start for January with over 6 hrs of exercise in!

as for the butt pain...isn't it amazing where we have muscles?

applemarket on 01/07/2008:
Your poor butt!! But doesn't it feel great to be sore somewhere rather than not? I kinda like the feeling =) Feels like I'm making progress, and looks like you definitely are! Good job!

starfish on 01/07/2008:
Very good! Keep it up. Maybe if your butt muscle keeps hurting you should have a doctor check it? I think I remember you talking about it a while ago.

horn_of_plenty - Saturday Jan 05, 2008

Weight: 0.0

one more update: no yoga. I'll make up for it this week!

Sunday noon edit: Today is a new day. It started off with my getting some low cal, healthy, liquids to drink and lie in bed with to read and also snooze a little more. I was pretty tired. I went to sleep around 11:30 last night but my sister asked nicely for me to drive her to a really local bar like 5 minutes away around 12:30am so I did that...even though i was already in bed. After that, I drove around for a few more minutes with the heat blasting in my car, deciding that was a waste of gas and came home. Upon coming home, i couldn't get to sleep and I went back on the computer for an hour, half in a daze. I'm glad Saturday is over and that today is Sunday. This sure was a VERY uneventful weekend. I do plan on yoga today at 3...but its definitely gonna take some effort to actually get myself there. I also want to walk for a bit but I don't want to squeeze every last bit of energy out of my body before yoga. I sound like i'm 90 years old! LOL, i'm 25 and I should have all the energy in the world!

i will have a more poitive entry on my next post.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Saturday entry:

I made a bad choice and binged on a late lunch/early dinner. I couldn't go to yoga bc i was too full.

calories: 2700. I'm not proud of that and will definitely think a little bit more before making the wrong choice to binge. Tomorrow's a new day and I will not let today's bad judgement affect tomorrow. ugh.

shadetree on 01/05/2008:
Sorry HoP - just get back on that horse! That's all any of us can do!

hollybelle on 01/05/2008:
2700 isn't so bad. Tomorrow IS definitely another day. Start fresh and don't worry about it all. Good exercise as usual. Have a nice night...

legcramps on 01/05/2008:
Yup, happens to me all the time. I think we sabotage ourselves because we're scared of actually accomplishing something. You know, if you just tell yourself it's okay to feel good about yourself, maybe things will get better with the bingeing. Awe, who knows really, but it's worth a try, no?!!

Good luck on the weekend!

cushy on 01/05/2008:
I hope the so called binge was delicious!!!!! Guilt is not a productive emotion. I hope you had some pleasure from the meal before regret set in. I know i am lost if i wait to eat for too long and am famished by the time i get to food. I can make some really bad choices at that point

workingit2 on 01/05/2008:
I understand about wanting to give someone/something a shot even if you don't hear all the bells and whistles going off. Obviously you are somewhat attracted to him, but maybe you aren't as ready to get into something with someone right now. Meanwhile, have a blast dating a great guy!

CharlieAngel on 01/05/2008:
Good grief, you exercised for 4 hours and 35 minutes....I totally think you offset the binge. As you said tomorrow is a brand new day, with no mistakes in it.....hope it's a great one for you! Take care

kyrin on 01/06/2008:
Hi, HoP! I totally get the feelings that you had after indulging. LOL Just about my whole Christmas season was like that. I couldn't seem to shake it off and get myself back on track. But I'm here now. One day at a time. Make one change and work on it. For me, it was not snacking or eating unless I was truly hungry. I always down write what I eat into my food journal. Just recently, I also began writing down the time that I eat and whether or not I'm hungry, semi-humgry, or not humgry--and who I'm eating with. ...It felt kind of strange to be jotting all that info when I first started doing it, but logging all of that made me more aware of my eating patterns and WHY I am eating. It really helped. I began to see that I was eating when I was really tired, in certain situations, or with certain people.

Re: the Cheesecake Factory. Get a to-go box and take some of it home for later. Enjoy (sensibly).

Hugs!

legcramps on 01/06/2008:
How many yoga classes is it possible for you to go to in a week?? Just asking, because that's two days now that you haven't been to class. If it was me, i'd only have a yoga class twice a week and would have already blown my chances at getting any yoga in!!

Weighlon on 01/06/2008:
It's human to want to eat something that we perceive and smelling good/tasting good. What matters is what you do after that, and that's get back in the groove and keep going....don't look back!

CritterMom on 01/06/2008:
OK, you missed the yoga, and binged a bit. Tomorrow is a new day. Get right back on that horse, and ride it hard. :)

horn_of_plenty - Friday Jan 04, 2008

Weight: 0.0

saturday morning edit: last night went well. Basically, there was a "quick" goodnight kiss since he would have missed his train and needed to wait a whole hour for the next one at 1:30am! no thanks!

I am not as attracted as i would like to be. arg. I am so used to being single that I am having trouble with the feelings portion of that. I think he may be more interested in me than i am in him. But, I'm STILL willing to give this a shot. Does anyone understand what I mean!?

He's a great guy. this is funny - he takes his time eating, really slow, and that has helped me to think about my own eating. It really helps.

We talk a ton about yoga and fitness, nutrition. sometimes i think we talk about this too much. then again, we do discuss other things too. but i just don't know, yet. we've known each other for a little under a month. not very long. we'll see...

one more thing, why is it that I get really antsy on the phone...i just don't love talking on the phone with him!? It's like a struggle for me. He's a good conversationalist...seems he can talk forever. lol, what a complainer i am!!! i should be happy to meet someone who likes to keep themselves busy and do different activities after work. what's up with me!? whatever, i have no strings attached. I will see how it goes. I need to just "roll with it..." :)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

today, in fact, was a better day. I made sure I felt well and dressed well today. I did my hair nicely and felt good at work. I also have a date later today, so I have to prepare for that. It's a date with the same person I went out with last Sunday. We have plans to go to the cheesecake factoy, which may not be the best idea because the wait can be VERY long on a Friday evening. But, how long can it be for 2 people!?

calories before an afternoon snack were 980. then, i had 12 sugarfree jellos, so now calories are 1100. I actually got really full and sick of them by the last one. Sometimes, I like to eat a lot of something low calorie just to feel that stuffed feeling but also to know i didn't destroy my calorie intake. I'm a little nervous for what to get for dinner but I think I also want to splurge on something a little heavier. The only problem with the cheesecake factory is the huge portions which equal too high calories on the heavier, denser foods.

I took a 20 min walk this morning and I WANT to take at least a 30 min walk now before i get ready to go out. I'm definitely a little tired today. Maybe I'll lie down before going out. I didn't sleep very well this week. For some reason, I actually had an issue getting myself to bed on time...I also had PROMISED myself this wouldn't happen after the winter break. I was actually going to work on going to bed really early. I may try this again...because i DO like to get up early in the morning to exercise...and know that when i get home from work i did already exercise! It feels good, especially if i just want to sit around after work.

total calories: i pray its around 2,000...after a big, but healthy dinner. some dressing/sauce on my foods. cool stuff like seaweed salad, sushi, seared tuna and other goodies. the good thing is, i stopped when full because the person i was eating with is a slow eater...so i ate slow too!

today's exercise: 45 min. tomorrow will be better.

total exercise: 3hrs, 15 min

monet0239 on 01/04/2008:
have a good time tonight on your date :)..12 jellos.. wow.. but its good on the calories for sure :).. I need to put some on my list of things to get hehe.. glad I came in here.. thanks for the reminder.. :)..KUTGW :)

CritterMom on 01/04/2008:
Try getting something broiled or grilled, like a chicken dish. Get steamed veggies and ask that they leave off the butter. If you want the baked potato, ask that they leave it plain and bring the butter on the side. There ARE ways to eat out without overdoing. Have fun!

greengirl on 01/04/2008:
Enjoy yourself HoP. We all have to let our hair down, now and then :o)

workingit2 on 01/04/2008:
So happy to read you had a much better day today. Fantastic! I buy the packages of sugar free jello that I make myself and they are .64 a package and only 5 calories for half a cup. That is a very good idea to fill up on lower calorie foods rather than stick your face in a jar of peanut butter.

I hope the date was fun! OMG I cannot wait until Brian actually has time to go OUT somewhere. LOL

Have a great weekend!

mcwoo40 on 01/05/2008:
Hello,hope your date went well.You can tell us about it,if you want!!I like doing sugar-free jelly with tinned fruit added.Then have a low-fat fruit yoghurt also it is good for my sweet tooth too,have a great day.

mcwoo40 on 01/05/2008:
Hiya a subway roll as asda calls it is just a long bread roll.I don't know if they sell them in the subway outlets,(i've never been in one so i don't know)and they have black seeds in them.I prefer granary to wholemeal bread as it tends to be a little dry.Enjoy your day,Julie

Donkey on 01/05/2008:
The great thing about being with someone who is a great conversationalist is that you don't have to do any of the effort of keeping the talking going. I just sit back and listen to my Husband go on and on and on.... And they say women talk a lot!

I'm glad the date went well. Don't be impatient with yourself; just enjoy the friendship and companionship. Don't be expecting some perfect Prince Charming. He ain't out there.

dearerdiarist on 01/05/2008:
Sometimes friendships/relationships are a longer and slower developing. Sometimes ones instinct, heart, etc. just knows right off the bat. That being said, you are experiencing dating again. Sometimes it is just a bit boring and awkward. Try to have fun :)

horn_of_plenty - Thursday Jan 03, 2008

Weight: 0.0

definitely feeling upset and unhappy today. Not happy and for some reason the fact that i have a crappy job and undecided future is bothering me today a lot. I volunteered for the first time in two weeks, i took two weeks off, at the hospital. I didn't mind being there and all of a sudden got REALLY antsy and couldn't wait to leave. I only go there once a week so i don't mind it at all...and it usually feels good. I did feel good at some point during the night, but i started thinking i was hungry, then thirsty, and then i just wanted to leave! Came home, hardly had an appetite, and ate anyway. I ate anyway a few times today in the afternoon.

total calories: 1555.

I am SO fed up today. I am SO angry. Nothing is working out. I thought i had all the credits I needed for my master's back in August. I could have graduated in August. but, i waited so I could list an honor society down on my graduate transcript. My advisor called me in early december, the same month i was supposed to graduate, to tell me that even though i fulfilled all the classes, I still needed to either register for ANY class or just pay 2,500 for my last 3 credits. (I got placed out of a class bc i already took it as an undergrad, but i still need to use the credits...still need to pay again bc my master's requires a certain amount of credits!) stinks. lots of money, too.

I first wanted to register for Anatomy and Physiology at the university but some of the class was during the school day and i work! So, i tried to register for an evening yoga class...and I tried for a bunch of other gym classes, but each one is full. I emailed a teacher, she didn't get back to me. She may not since she doesn't work until the last week of January. I may just show up to the class the week it starts and see if she would allow me to take it.

Next week, I will have to take the whole morning off on Wednesday and i also will not be in for at least the first hour on Tuesday. I am praying that I get into Anatomy and Physiology at my community college on Tuesday morning. Otherwise, I will have taken off from work for no reason and my chances of getting into the Radiation Therapy program will have diminished. Stinks. I hate to take off from work. I'm one of those people that only likes to take off days for an emergency...I never liked being absent, even throughout my childhood. In college I remember I skipped class VERY rarely.

The week after next week i will also need to take a half day for another entrance exam somewhere else!

Nothing could be worse right now. Nothing's going right at all! I know life could be worse...I could be on the street! right!? whatever.

I was walking on the treadmill today, 20 min in the morning. My mom came down the steps to the basement where I was and started screaming that I couldn't do laundry in the morning! I thought it would be ok since it was only a medium size load and she wouldn't be showering for about 40 min. I wasn't going to use up the hot water. She was so angry she dumped out the tea i made. So I banged down my nice large ceramic coffee mug on the counter and part of the bottom of the mug shattered all over. I threw out the mug but later took it out of the garbage since it is still very usable and i'm not buying another...and it's huge and good for dinking largs cups of coffee and tea.

as you can see, things are crappy at home. but i'm happy not to pay rent bc i cannot affort it. I'm just happy that I'm getting by even so far this year. I have not lost much money...and gained not a penny. It's expected as a teaching assistant.

i better get in a good mood before tomorrow evening...i'm going out to dinner on a date with the same guy from this past sunday. i cannot be all negative and then go on a date...i know i'll make myself feel better by then.

cardio has slacked and now i feel it. my energy is down. I could hardly do the treadmill this AM. I need more sleep i think.

anyways, that's that. I'm going on the treadmill now, 40 min to make exercise for today one hour. I can't do yoga tomorrow either...it'll be too rushed before the date. I do want to get back into it on the weekend. Maybe 2X saturday...maybe not. haha.

I'm upset bc i see success around me and I have none of it. I can't stand this. I went to school for 7 years with nothing to show for it. Life is sucky right now. Something needs to get better fast! I didn't study a ton for the two entrance exams that i will be taking. I know they are serious, but i feel prepared in all categories...and i know that i could only be more prepared in the science portion, but its only one portion of the test. there's math, spelling, english...all that usual entrance exam criteria. I just want this month to end. now.

shadetree on 01/03/2008:
Well, obviously I was wrong. Sorry you are having such a bad time right now...Sometimes it all just seems so unfair. I will give you the same advice I gave Donkey, and that is

BREATHE........BREATHE........BREATHE.....

Take one day at a time, one issue at a time. Pick one thing at a time to focus on and try to figure out how to make it a positive. I know it sucks when people around you seem to just walk into good situations, have things handed to them, and despite your hard work, you always seem to get the short end. (Story of my life!) But you can't do anything about everyone else - focus on you. What is going to make you happy, and what will it take to get it? Focus on an action plan rather than the anger inside you.

Okay, didn't mean to be preachy - just trying to give you a little pep talk... Try to have a good Friday!

maria777 on 01/03/2008:
Hey! Take it easy! Slow down! Write a list of all the things you are most thankful for. Hope you feel better!

timeforachange on 01/03/2008:
Sorry to read that things are going not so good for you right now Horn! I wish there were some magix words to post to make it all better but the only words of advice to offer are stay strong and try to focus on positives. There are times when the world seems to just crash down and everything seems to go wrong (usually all at once), but you just have to keep on moving forward and know that tomorrow is a new day. The situation with your schooling must be very frustrating for you because you have put your heart, mind, and time into it and it's not coming together right now, but it will! Hopefully you can obtain the last 3 credits you need and then you will have your Master's which is something to be VERY proud of. You have worked extremely hard and you will have something to show for it! It might now happen tomorrow or the day after, but you have put the effort in to get a good education and make a good life for yourself. Someone I love and respect very much always tells me that everything will work out for the best. No matter what struggle or obstacle that presents itself, that's her answer. Her words have helped me through the toughest of times, and now I hope they will offer you some comfort and peace of mind, if even for a moment. Just keep on pushing forward and look to tomorrow. It will be a better day!

starfish on 01/03/2008:
Everything will work out fine :) I'm sorry you are having a bad day. But good job on calories and cardio :)

workingit2 on 01/03/2008:
When it rains it pours, eh? Unless you have had something to eat since you posted your 1550..you should be very proud of taking care of yourself even in the face of all these issues. Just remember, issues can be worked out, things can be resolved...the reaction you are having is perfectly normal and necessary in order to get you motivated to do what you need to do. And your mind instinctively knows this which is why we process conflict and trouble in that manner. Don't beat yourself up and don't blame yourself for things you cannot control. Take each thing as it comes and if something is out of your control or simply cannot be worked out/on...take it as it wasn't supposed to happen right now and focus on what does/can happen.

I don't dislike my work, I strongly dislike the company...so I totally understand the frustration. One thing I do know, you will get through this and you are sure not alone. Take it easy and get some rest.

hollybelle on 01/04/2008:
So sorry things look bleak to you right now. I know it is not like you want it to be, but how it is today won't be how it always will be tomorrow. Shoulders back, chin up, eyes forward - march on. Keep working toward positive changes - your goals and it will happen. It is always darkest just before dawn.

legcramps on 01/04/2008:
Awe geez, HoP, I hope this month does go by quickly for you... i'd really freak out if I was in the place that you're in right now. I hate all the pressure of exams and stress of living at home - all of it must be adding up. Aren't your shoulders tired from carrying all those burdens? Workingit2 is right. It will pass.

Until then, it'll just have to suck. Sometimes good things come out of bad situations.

Donkey on 01/04/2008:
I hope you feel better today (1/5). My day was so bad yesterday too, so by my theory, your day should have been great. LOL, I guess it's time to chuck the theory down the toilet.

I know it's really hard, when you just want to know what's going to happen, or to have it start happening, but nothing's happening and everything's still uncertain. It's a difficult thing in life. It still makes me very anxious to not know how things will resolve themselves.

All I can say is that if you really want to be a radiologist or a radiation therapist, you will find a way to make it happen. Maybe not this year, maybe it will take another year or 2, but you will do it.

I really hope today is better for you. I hope you will post to let us know you are doing ok.

I understand about the schooling thing..seems like there are so many hoops to jump through, why can't they just make things simple?? And 2,500 for 3 credits? That's ridiculously expensive!! Dang....

Good for you tho, for in the midst of all your frustrations, you still managed to get a workout in, and that my friend, is HUGE!! I really admire that..need some of your determination to rub off on me...

Today is going well...in the morning, I was running VERY late. No exercise or anything...not even breakfast. I took an extra serving of almonds with me as I left. I kind of liked how the morning went, aside from a little too much rushing. Perhaps I will not do morning exercise anymore...we'll see about that.

calories are going well. I am not feeling the need to be too restrictive BUT I don't want to go to yoga either.

good mix of healthy and less healthy snacks. Foods ranged from almonds to canned pumpkin to milano cookies to cottage cheese to tuna to hot dog...haha. and more!

Contessa on 01/02/2008:
Don't eliminate the morning exercise. I've read that people who do morning exercise routines are much more likely to stick with the program than those that do it at other times. What about if you lessened it to 20 or 30 minutes?

Weighlon on 01/02/2008:
I had the same problem this morning too, 'cept I'm not exercising..yet. I think maybe it's that time of year when the holidays are over and it's cold outside and dark all of the time. I'm just trying to focus on when April gets here. When I peel off these long johns and sweaters and put on that sleek spring outfit that I'm going to buy, I'll look in the mirror and say I'm glad I stuck to it.

hopinforachange on 01/02/2008:
thanks for the comments that you have left me. I really do appreciate them. Good job on the calories for the day. Have a good night!

timeforachange on 01/02/2008:
Sounds like even with a stressful morning that you were still able to do well. I hate being rushed and running late, it seems to throw things off track for the day. Kudos for staying on top of it and keeping things within range =). Hope tomorrow goes well for you!

vvvzena2 on 01/02/2008:
I am most definitely not a morning person!! lol The only reason I get up early is because the 3 year old does. I usually do my exercise in the early afternoon. I think that you should do it when ever you feel comfortable with it. I wish I could force myself to get up and go like that. Hey, I think you're doing good! And thanks for the comments. :-)

Weighlon on 01/03/2008:
Maybe you're getting bored with your routine, not necessarily the exercise. Shake it up, get outside the box and do something totally different. I'm a "glutton" for routine. That's what got me here in the first place.

mcwoo40 on 01/03/2008:
Hiya Just to say keep up the good work.Gosh i loved hot dog with fried onions and tomato ketchup in a white buttered roll,that's what piled on the lb's.

legcramps on 01/03/2008:
Wow! Great job! What a difference in entries from just a week ago...sounds like you're taking the new year seriously and making some good changes. Keep it up!

horn_of_plenty - Tuesday Jan 01, 2008

Weight: 0.0

pm edit: I accidentally went over because I forgot some things while calculating. I am trying to loose weight, that's why i like to stay in the 1500...going any higher almost is like maintenance. I stayed home pretty much the whole day. No yoga. I did walk, really slow like below 3.0 on the treadmill. total exercise is 1 hr, 15 min. I am getting nervous before tomorrow - work - i think.

exercise: 1 hr, 15 min.

calories: 1715

today is proving difficult...i have binge feelings without a doubt right now. if I want to eat within the 1500 calorie range, I only have about 250 more calories and its only 4:30pm. I did just have a snack of a protein shake with a good amount of carbs in it as well. I've been snacking a lot these past few days.

If i want to, which I should, I can go to yoga later at 5:30pm. But, i'm feeling tired and lazy. I could have went for a walk, but now the sun is setting and it won't be as enjoyable.

My mind is telling me that it wants some really flavorful microwavable meal tonight. Should I just indulge? Calories will still be relatively good, but not in the 1500s if I do that. I want something bad now...i'm starting to crave pizza. I think I'm just tired. and yoga is so out of the question, i'm not in the mood at all!

ok, gonna take another stroll on the treadmill. I walked this morning, really slowly. After the treadmill, I'm gonna read a little and try to finish the book I took out of the library especially for vacation. There's also some people that I have to call back.

For dinner, I think i will stay within the 250 calorie range...I just need to think of something I want that is here in this house - there's no reason to leave again to go to the supermarket!

workingit2 on 01/01/2008:
I don't have many calories left for today either. I have 270 calories left to stay at 1200. This is because I already ate my dinner LOL. I think I will end up having a grilled cheese sandwich and some hot cocoa later on tonight. If I don't end this day right, it will really bum me out! I wish I had some spaghetti squash, maybe I'll go buy some tomorrow. Hmmmm... Good luck, HOP you can do it. Just think how great you will feel when you DONT give up on yourself today! YAY!

Donkey on 01/01/2008:
I had a feeling you'd be struggling, because I've been doing much better these past 2 days, today better than yesterday even. So I'm sure we'll be hearing from Born to Cry saying she's doing better too (lol).

Well, try to stay strong tonight. You know, what's with this self-imposed 1500 limit? Just have a reasonably healthy dinner, with moderate portions. If you go over 1500, don't let that be an excuse to totally go overboard.

You are strong, you can do this!

maria777 on 01/01/2008:
Wow, this is when a person really needs to have some 250 frozen dinners ready to microwave...hope you stick with your 1500! That's what I need to start doing...setting a 1500 cals/day goal!

Moody2 on 01/01/2008:
Thanks for your comment on my page..its nice to know that others understand what I am going thru and I'm not the only one!

I hope that you stay strong tonight..Do you like cocoa? I know that if I'm hungry in the evenings (which i am ALOT) cocoa satisfies and fills me up..and stops the munchies..

You can do this!! You know you can!

starfish on 01/01/2008:
You may have went a little over, but congratulate yourself on not bingeing. Good job walking on your treadmill too!

workingit2 on 01/01/2008:
So you went a little over....the more important thing is YOU DID NOT BINGE! Pat yourself on the back and celebrate that fact!

I also wish I knew EXACTLY how many calories I was burning. I know the trick is to shave off 250 calories a day and burn an additional 250 calories through exercise..but because I don't know how much is being burned, I try to shave either 350 - 500 calories off my basic needs. It isn't a precise science, but it works for me anyway lol. I would love to burn 2000 calories a day in order to be able to eat more sometimes..lol

I am just striving for balance right now. I know when I was eating at or below 1700 calories a day while doing 45mins to 1-hour of cardio and then some strength training, I could lose. But before that, I had to start at under 1300 calories because I wasn't able to exercise much. So here I go again with that. After having built up to the 1700 a day...to cut that by 500 calories ia kind of brutal LOL. But I know this is best for me and works for my body and so I'll embrace it even if some days I have a grimace instead of a smile LOL