Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Children wrecking romance

Jill at Third Wave Agenda links to this article by Judith Warner about how paying too much attention to your kids can suck life out of your marriage. I have to admit, my first reaction was, despite my desire to build bridges and all that, a bit of gloating. Though not really at anyone who has post-child marital problems, really, but just at those who say that the entire purpose of marriage is child-rearing. Whoops!

But then I got over it, because this article is based on a false premise--that you only have X amount to love to give and if you give it to your children, you can't give it to your spouse. I don't see any real evidence of this, and if child-bearing is hard on marriages, it's probably not an abstract love issue but a solid time and money issue.

But the thing about this article that really grated on my nerves is that once you strip away the gloss of modernity, the weak nod to the fact that there are two parents who may be neglecting their duty to love each other, you are left with just another tedious exhortation to women to be all things to all people. Yes, you need to be a good mommy, but don't forget that there's nothing sexy about burp rags and sippee cups. Always, always, always remember, if shit is going downhill in the family or love department, it is solely the fault of women.

In many marriages, erotic love has been supplanted by what The New Yorker once called "the eros of parenthood." Up to 20 percent of couples now report having sex no more than 10 times a year, qualifying them for what the experts call "sexless marriages." Many mothers freely admit to preferring their children's touch to their husband's, without regret or shame.

Lesson: It's great to love your baby, but don't neglect to baby the Big Boy. There's no indication here that a wife can feel neglected, too, and that can actually damage a marriage as well. Instead we have this peculiar image of a woman handing out caresses and not being careful enough to dole a fair share out to her husband.

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I read the editorial too -- ah, had it emailed to me, pointedly, actually, as "something I should read," heh, and found it extremely annoying.

I did a little research on Warner and she herself seems harmless enough: basically her schtick is that woman ought not to define themselves as mothers, blar blar blar, that there is more to them than that, and that our society ought to be set up more sensibly, so that women who have had children need not define themselves only as mothers.

Fine & whatever.

But this piece of work falls into the category that I define as "men should come first in a woman's life," and that anything that is interfering in that -- including those pesky children -- well, a real woman should just shove those other things aside and devote herself to her real job, which is pleasing her Man.

It's a constant theme in Dobson's and John Rosemund's work -- those (Far Right) Christian writers who are interested in "helping" women -- right back into the kitchen and bedroom.

Not to mention the normative idea that the only truly healthy relationship is the one that's like love in your 20s. What, really, is wrong with a marriage that's built around children? Isn't that kind of the point of marriage, historically?

What, really, is wrong with a marriage that's built around children? Isn't that kind of the point of marriage, historically?Not really. The Catholic Church has long viewed marriage as first and foremost a union between two souls. You're supposed to welcome children into the marriage, but the marriage itself is something that exists independently of children.

I have no problem whatsoever with the idea that the primary relationship spouses have is with each other. I also think that there's a huge amount of pressure for parents, mothers especially, to subsume their own identities and lives for their kids, which I don't think is healthy for anyone.

That being said, I do have a huge problem with the idea that it's the woman who's supposed to make all the sacrifices and be the keeper of all the relationships.

"I do have a huge problem with the idea that it's the woman who's supposed to make all the sacrifices and be the keeper of all the relationships."Well apparently, men have better things to do than give half-a-shit on the state of the relationship--sarcasm.

I have watched this happen a time or two, and it seems to me that it is often indicative of a problem within the marriage, or the individual, that pre-dates the babies. The issues can come from either or both of the parents, so it surely is not simply a woman's duty to fix it. There is also the interference of post-partum depression, which can take many different forms and sometimes lasts for years, especially if not recognized.

It is easy for parents to get sucked into the children when they're infants, because they need you all the time. What scares me (on a regular basis) is the parents who are so into their kids that the poor little buggers have no time to breathe and just be kids. Granted, I have a laissez-faire parenting style that involves words like "are they bleeding? no? let 'em go back out an play, then..." and "do you need me for anything? no? then I'm going to go read in the back room - don't bother me for awhile." so I'm not on the super-mommy track. Oddly enough, my kids are well adjusted and my husband (who is way more involved than most dads but still falls a bit short on the housework side of things) and I haven't forgotten that we were lovers before we were parents.

Couples who don't take the time to make space for themselves are not only creating a fertile space for problems to grow, they're creating bad examples for their children. I wonder how much of that plays into the pressure on women to take care of the relationship side of things. Maybe I should be more grateful to my vaguely neglectful mom and my regularly involved dad....

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