Do I really have to make it nice? It’s almost 1:30am and I feel like being a bit snarky at the moment. I hope that’s all right with you.

I’m sure it goes without saying that this story is terrible, but it’s hilarious as hell. The only major complaint I have is that you didn’t start at Chapter 1.

I appreciate the amount of subtlety you put into your insults directed at Roger—I’m sure he’d appreciate it too. And the author’s notes were so informative, in fact, that I can now properly understand (for what it’s worth) the motivations behind the characters’ actions. Oh, and I forgot: the other complaint was that there wasn’t enough sex, though I can’t fault you for this.

Hearing his name was like an icicle stabbed through my heart (AN: because it is WINTER).

To start off, this story is way too fast-paced. In one sentence, she’s being attacked in an alley, but skip a few sentences and she’s suddenly time travelling. Barely any details are given for any of the events; ten words is far from enough to adequately describe an event of Christie’s life.

The plot doesn’t make any sense either. It doesn’t have any coherency to it—it flips from one thing to another with nary a reason or aim. Looking back at the example above, how is time travel, from a jail cell to boot, in any way related to thugs in a alley? And sentient sandwiches? Without any attempt at an in-universe explanation or linking the events together somehow, I’m left hopelessly confused.

Finally, about half the sentences start the same way: Christie did this, Christie did that. It makes the story a bit bland and unfortunately boring to read. However, I think it’s more a symptom of the fast-pacedness and the lack of coherency than a cause in itself.

All in all, I have no idea what’s going on in this story. It’s almost as if this is a rushed crack f—

The conversation between Cadance and Twilight was an enjoyable read. The little details, like the tidbits on unicorn chess, helped this first part of the story stand out. It was going in a very promising direction—the melancholy and delving into the serious topic where Twilight feels excluded—that I hoped would continue. Unfortunately, it didn’t. :(

The second part of the story, i.e. the sudden entrance of the collector, made me do a double take because it was so out of left field. It’s a bit too much of a mood whiplash for my tastes, and it doesn’t really make much sense compared to the first part of the story.

Perhaps if the first part were extended to a complete story and the second part removed, the story would have been more cohesive. But that’s just my two bits. ⛁