http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/tellerno
I'm very open to changes in the article, provided I can keep the basic idea of a psychic person that has been brainwashed and functionally converted into a psychic tool rather then a human being. Criticisms are very welcome, and if you find any grammar or spelling errors, please tell me.

SCP-XXXX was recovered during a raid on a Marshall, Carter and Dark office in ███████████.

Not exactly the first thing I want to know about an SCP.

How sections of the brain have been artificially grafted to SCP-XXXX is currently unknown, and CAT-scans of SCP-XXXX are inconclusive due to the large amount of conductive metals in its cranium.

This would read better if split up into two sentences.

SCP-XXXX has undergone several heart transplant surgeries, and has an artificial pacemaker attached to its currant heart.

*current*

SCP-XXXX is unable to speak

Yup, you just said it's mute, no need to reiterate.

…prone to panic attacks if it feels threatened.

Could use rewording. Something like "…prone to panic attacks when intimidated."

Personnel are advised to maintain a calm demeanor when interacting with SCP-XXXX in any capacity.

Probably something that should be in the Special Containment Procedures.

This serves to make SCP-XXXX easy to control, so long as it remains in Foundation custody.

Non sequitur, you just said it is easy to control with all those previously mentioned conditions. When did "being in Foundation custody" become one of them? What about before acquisition?

The instructions include a series of phrases in Latin that elicit specific psychic reactions in SCP-XXXX.

Latin is the most cliche "magic" language. Using semi-unrelated phrases would be much more interesting, in my opinion i.e. "chocolate chip cookies" or "ice cream truck" instead of "Experiri gaudium". But still not enough to be a compelling hook on its own.

fifteen (15) feet

No need to spell out numbers above ten.

Use metric.

Note: We can’t rule out the possibility that Marshall, Carter, & Dark has or at least knows how to make more of these. Any person or organization that has the capacity to “weaponize” psychic individuals like this could potentially create an army that we don’t understand well enough to fight against. –O5-█

Who says we have?

This doesn't sound like MC&D. They don't weaponize, that would be CI and ORIA. Generally speaking, MC&D is only in it for the money.

This just seems like an SCP version of SCP-239's Spell Book. Also the article is littered with tonal issues and shaky syntax. It doesn't help that the idea itself is cliche and uses "magic" Latin.

I can't think of ways to improve this right now so how about you get the chat people to look this over and see what they have to say. Better if it's from a senior member such as staff. Good luck!

I've made a number of changes based on your review, but I also have a few counterpoints to some suggestions.

You don't need to spell out age.

No need to spell out numbers above ten.

I intentionally wrote every single number in this article as a written word, then a number, to reinforce the clinical and overly-explanatory tone of the whole thing. I figure that the SCP foundation deals with a lot of things they don't understand, so they would be excessively clear in explaining the things that they do understand.

Latin is the most cliche "magic" language. Using semi-unrelated phrases would be much more interesting, in my opinion i.e. "chocolate chip cookies" or "ice cream truck" instead of "Experiri gaudium". But still not enough to be a compelling hook on its own.

This doesn't sound like MC&D. They don't weaponize, that would be CI and ORIA. Generally speaking, MC&D is only in it for the money.

The latin is supposed to be cliche. The story behind this SCP is that Marshall, Carter, and Dark had a request to make a "magic spell book" that would be allow anyone who owned it to "cast magic spells." So they kidnapped someone with natural psychic abilities, then brainwashed, lobotomized, and psychologically conditioned that person to respond to certain "magic phrases" with certain psychic actions. It's meant to seem like a horrible means to a cliche end, emphasizing how heartless and mercenary MC&D are.

I guess you could enumerate and spell out stuff if you want. I wouldn't call it good or bad tone, just trying to nudge you into a more concise direction as it should be in technical writing. But I guess we don't have to be that strict in that aspect, it was more of a nitpick anyway.

The Latin doesn't really make me pity the SCP more, it just makes me cringe in a geeky sense and as I said, it reminds me too much of 239's spell book.

I think it would be more heartless if instead of verbal commands, they would use a click, or a snap, or a whistle, like how you would call a pet. Then the SCP would have to say something degrading and humiliating about herself while executing the spell. Though I'd avoid anything sexual. Just another suggestion.

Yes, I read your summary before reviewing. What I was referring to when I said it doesn't sound like MC&D was the O5 note. Weaponizing was never an MC&D M.O. so there's no reason for anyone to consider that.

I really like the idea of calling it like a pet. And I like the idea of the SCP humiliating itself with each command, but I have two issues with it:
1) She's mute, so she can't say anything humiliating.
And 2) I have trouble writing "delicately". What I mean is that if I tired writing something like that, I would inevitably push the humiliation too far and draw some serious fire from someone.
Your probably right about MC&D not weaponizing it, but I really wanted to convey the idea that MC&D almost certainly made more of these things, and I'm not really sure how.

Can I say that for the record, creating a female character that is then forcibly abused and then enslaved and then conditioned and then must humiliate herself on command with implications of being a "like a pet" is pretty creepy in an unacceptable manner to me personally. Just saying. You should either be extremely careful or rework the idea, because if your hook is the systematic dehumanization and humiliation of women at the hands of MC&D you're going to get a lot of ire regardless of how "careful" you are. Seriously, if your "spells" involve phrases like "Good girl!" and "Roll over!" to an actual human girl, against her will, I don't want to read it. Like, at all. It's disgusting to me.

EDIT: The "fetch" command is not ok. It's basically a command exclusively to rape. Anyone with any amount of skill will be hard pressed to execute that without coming off as hella not ok.

EDIT: The "fetch" command is not ok. It's basically a command exclusively to rape. Anyone with any amount of skill will be hard pressed to execute that without coming off as hella not ok.

I removed that command (I didn't really like it myself, I just thought it would be the sort of thing that MC&D would make).

creating a female character that is then forcibly abused and then enslaved and then conditioned and then must humiliate herself on command with implications of being a "like a pet" is pretty creepy in an unacceptable manner to me personally. You should either be extremely careful or rework the idea, because if your hook is the systematic dehumanization and humiliation of women at the hands of MC&D you're going to get a lot of ire regardless of how "careful" you are.

I'm aware that I'm treading some dangerous water with this article, but it's supposed to frighten and disgust people. I would never approve of something like this in real life, anymore then the person who wrote SCP 191 would "approve" of turning a pre-pubecent girl into a robot.

I agree with Soulless on this one. You need to be really, really careful about sex when you're writing SCPs. Like Soulless, I don't think you're doing that well enough. So I'd advise you to tone the sexual element down a lot.

Do you realize you are currently trying to defend to me an article that is supposed to frighten and disgust people, so you put a woman in it and have her be raped and abused and dehumanized? You're trying to justify to me that an article about the systematic dehumanization, abuse, and control over what is implied to be multiple women? There's a line between "oh it's totally in character of what they would do" and "this article is tasteless and offensive". This article is currently firmly in the latter for me.

If you need to argue that your SCP shouldn't be considered inappropriate and offensive, you have not executed it well enough. Your time would be better spent either approaching the core concept from a very new angle or working on something completely unrelated.

I'm just saying, anything like this goes near the main list and it will get torn apart.

Okay, like I said to LongWayHome, I have trouble writing "delicately". I didn't realize that people would be this offended by the article, but it seems I was very, very wrong. I don't want to scrap this idea completely, but I don't want it to be too offensive. I've decided that I shouldn't trust my own judgement on what is or is not offensive in this case, so I need some ideas about what needs to be changed. If I change the victim from female to male, would that help downplay the sexual element? Should I change the trigger phrases to be less pet-like? Or is their something else I've missed?

Yes. The fact that people have repeatedly told you that any sexually-driven article is incredibly difficult to pull off without coming across as incredibly creepy. Doubly so for one that forces a person into psychic subjugation.

No, changing the affected target to a male would not make it any better.

Yes, the trigger phrases need changed badly. They come across as needlessly fetishistic.

No, I don't think that will help at this point.

Yes, this would conceivably be something that MC&D would probably have under their control.

No, I don't think this is a good article idea, as, aside from the creepy enslavement bits, it's kind of a straight-forward mind-control manual, and you should probably scrap it.

Just to be clear, Tellerno, Vince doesn't mean the entertaining, horror-fiction kind of creepy. He's referring to the distractingly unpleasant, fetishistic kind of creepy that would reflect poorly on the site were it to be on the SCP list.

Pretty much this. It doesn't overly matter what the sex it is (although it being female certainly doesn't help, it being a dude doesn't really change the implicit problem).

We're talking about dehumanizing people into pets by other people in a way that is uncomfortable and happens in real life far more than anyone wants to hear about. This is the problem. The execution of the article essentially takes an extremely touchy subject and then goes about telling a story that is tasteless and goes from creepy like "oooh that gave me the shivers" to creepy like "I don't want to read this". The concept itself is problematic because you're playing with humanity by stripping it away from a person through abuse and mind control, done by other people, sold to other people. It's effectively an article about anomalous human slavery, except it uses the opportunity to be anomalous to make it even worse. Unless you get around this specific thing, this article is going to continue to come off as offensive and repulsive.

Just throwing something out there for thought because I hate to see when an idea someone cares about gets shot down. Would it ruin the SCP to make it a garment? Like perhaps a "collar" if you do want that sort of submissive thing. Or if you could make it be that this was done with multiple people (including people of multiple gender) then that would remove the sexual/gender bias and still keep the relative theme. Hope that helped.

It's still a standard magical item with little context and all the wrong kinds of creepy attached to it. With a collar, you're just making the slave/master and pet/owner thing even more explicit, and even more needlessly creepy in the bad way.

I do agree that the collar was more of a bad idea and now that I've read the article in full, it really is a bit cliche with the whole mind control gimmick. I do agree that it should probably be scrapped. Once again, I was merely tossing out ideas.
Also it would still as Vincent said have