Colbert ‘Top Candidate’ for Next Archbishop of New York

As reported in recent days by Newsmax, Pope Benedict XVI will shortly announce his choice for the next Archbishop of New York. According to the report, an anonymous Vatican source says that, “the Pope has chosen an archbishop who is ‘dynamic, conservative and orthodox’.” That quote has led to widespread speculation among Vatican watchers centering primarily around two top contenders: Archbishop Timothy Dolan of Milwaukee and prominent television personality Stephen Colbert.

Colbert, 44, an Emmy-winning Bill O’Reilly protege and New Jersey Sunday school teacher, has, according to insiders, emerged as a strong contender on the strength of his New York ties and his self-described ‘color blindness’, a term used to describe his ability to ignore skin color in his dealings with others.

‘His Holiness believes it is important to send a clear message that the Church is moving forward and will remain in-step with the times,” according to an anonymous source close to the process, “And embracing high level leadership that goes so far as to not even acknowledge race will probably create a more positive image of the Church than embracing those who deny the Holocaust has done.”

What some consider an indication that Colbert may in fact be the Pontiff’s choice are reports that have surfaced where witnesses have described seeing the Pope “practicing his finger wag in the mirror”. Pope Benedict, long a fan of the regular ‘Colbert Report’ segment ‘Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger’ is said to have long admired Colbert’s admonishing finger wag technique.

Confronted with questions regarding the fact that Colbert has never been ordained, and is, in fact, married with three children, the source told reporters, “These are not necessarily disqualifying factors. His Holiness recognizes that positions such as this often require a fine balance between the political and the ecumenical. As a former presidential candidate, and perhaps even more so as a Sunday school teacher, Mr. Colbert will be prepared to deal with whatever Church politics he may have to face. And as a popular television personality, His Holiness must also consider his ability to ‘put the butts in the seats’ every Sunday. With the financial crisis already forcing the closure of fourteen of our schools in New York City, the diocese could benefit greatly from ‘The Colbert Bump’. As far as him having children, that could work out in his favor as well. If the Archbishop has children, conventional wisdom says it’s much less likely to be revealed later that he’s ‘had children’, if you get my drift.”

A spokesman for Comedy Central told reporters that Mr. Colbert was, “being fitted for robes and [was] unavailable for comment”. He added that the wardrobe fitting had nothing to do with the possibility of his Church appointment, but did reveal that the network is in the initial planning stages for a possible holiday season special tentatively titled “A Colbert Christmas II: Archbishop Stephen Rocks St. Patrick’s”.

In a related story, sources close to Caroline Kennedy flatly denied as untrue reports that Ms. Kennedy had contacted Vatican officials to express her interest in the vacant Archbishop post.