Reason #48 Why You Shouldn’t Walk Around Barefoot In Your Office, Even If It’s Intolerably Hot And Your Shoes Are Making Your Feet Simultaneously Sweat And Hurt:

You will most likely get a thumbtack imbedded in the ball of your foot, causing you to fall unglamorously to the ground, wailing and shrieking and cursing the Lord with very unladylike language. You will then have to hobble around for the rest of the afternoon while people ask you, “What happened to your foot?” and your only reply will be to blush furiously and claim, “Nothing!” And then those people will ask, “Was that you we heard yelling earlier? Are you sure something didn’t happen?” And you’ll have to shamefully admit that, yes, you stepped directly onto a thumbtack while barefoot and sheepishly dart away before they can ask you any more questions.

I have about had it with expensive bags (or purses or whatever you want to call them). It’s one thing to own a nice, well-constructed, chic bag that makes you feel happy and goes with all of your outfits. It’s another thing to spend four times your mortgage payment on a bag.

Ack! What? $4800? This is a COACH BAG, Y’ALL. A COACH BAG. You know, the same brand that every spoiled thirteen-year-old with a Sidekick, every babymama on food stamps who’s spending her pocket money on LV and Coach instead of her kids, every clubhopping slag who wears shirts from Glam, every annoying person at the mall who runs you over while horking down their Chai bubble tea carries. It’s PLAYED OUT. It’s PAST played out. It’s just over.

And now we’ve got a $4800 Ostrich-skin Coach bag hitting the streets? Who the hell is going to spend almost five grand on that ugly, bright-blue tribute to chavdom? Because they need to be slapped, sharp and hard.

Owning a tacky, blue, Ostrich-skin bag that you were suckered into paying five grand for isn’t going to make you feel any better about yourselves, ladies. I promise. You’re only helping us reach new nadirs as a society…

Hmm. Your department usually smells like Cheerios, but today it just smells like rubber doll heads.

As if I was expecting her to gesture broadly to a box in the corner of her office, filled with rubber doll heads, and say, “Thanks! I just got rid of my box full of Cheerios last week and it’s taken a while for the smell to clear out.”

What the hell, mouth? Do you not have internal conversations with the random-shit-filter in my brain before you start moving?

I mean, seriously. I hear a lot of stupid things at work, but — sadly — the stupidest things seem to come from me.

You may remember my strange infatuation with men who three, maybe four, other people in this world also find attractive. One of those men, who I forgot to mention, is dear Tom Hulce.

Tom is probably best known for his eponymous role in Amadeus. The first time I saw Amadeus, I was four years old. My mother took me, a four-year-old, to see it when it was first released. I’m sure the other patrons were none-too-pleased to see a very young child in the theatre with them, but they had no reason to worry. I was utterly infatuated with the movie, my mother recalls, and stood on my seat in the back of the theatre the entire time, my little eyes fixated on the screen.

I obviously didn’t develop a crush on Tom Hulce until much later on in life, around 13 years old. His portrayal of Mozart is what did it for me: a brilliant, misunderstood, ridiculous imp of a man. Perfect for a similarly-misunderstood 13-year-old who also likes to tell fart jokes and play classical pieces on her viola at the school bus stop while getting teased by all the other middle schoolers. I also adored his antics in Animal House, but it was Amadeus that truly endeared him to me.

While I still harbor the same great and undying love for Amadeus that was born in 1984, my crush on Tom Hulce faded somewhere around the end of middle school and I hadn’t given him any thought at all until today. I was browsing my typical, classless gossip sites and stumbled upon…

What is this???

What has become of you, Tom Hulce, you great wooly mammoth of a man? Where is my young imp?

Some time soon, I will sit down and do this amazing trip more justice. But for today, I am exhausted and so I offer only this photo gallery (with comments!) and a few random videos I uploaded to YouTube.