Disheveled Soul

Friday, November 23, 2012

It has been a little over 2 years since my separation from my ex-husband. Divorce, I don't really recommend it.

However, finally resigning myself to a life that wasn't picture perfect did a lot of good for me. In the course of the year that followed my separation, I found myself out of an emotionally damaging relationship both with my ex-husband and with myself. I finally accepted that what other people think about my life has little to nothing to do with my happiness.

This emotionally damaging relationship with myself had a lot of different layers - I'll spare you the drawing out of it, but it had to do with the way I grew up in the church AND my own deep seeded self esteem issues that came from every place imaginable. A year and a half ago, I might have told you that all of my problems stemmed from the same place - my childhood in the Mormon church. This is not true - and I can finally accept that.

Don't get me wrong. There is plenty of things wrong with Mormonism and it's teachings and it will certainly always have something to do with my past, but you cannot take one variable in a list of them - and choose to disregard the rest.

I still find myself somewhere in middle ground. I'm not a believer - I see a lot of the bad that comes from the Mormon church directly and indirectly because of it, but I also see a lot of the good. I see bad people in Mormonism, but I also see a lot of good. Some of my best, most loyal friends are Mormons. The problem is that I still belong neither here nor there.

I don't get along with exmormons (or at least the Utah variety of exmormons) - I see the standard of "people who leave the church, but can't leave it alone" is wildly true. I know in the past year and a half, I have found myself in that standard and probably will continue at points in time. I'm not bitter or full of hate either though. I think that people have just as much right to their beliefs that I do to mine. I do believe that atheism is a religion. A lot of the reasons that I left the LDS church have been found in every "non-religious/atheist" group that I've been apart of. Thanks, but no thanks.

I don't get along with mormons (or at least a majority of them get on my nerves) because I can't talk about the latest ward drama, my kids, or give you a touching commentary about how blessed I am to have the gospel in my life.

I don't get along with jack mormons because I find their inconsistencies too confusing - and I usually find some way to offend the beliefs that they DO still hold on to. You never know what is okay to say when a jack mormon is around.

So where do I fit??? Well, I guess a year and a half later - I would classify myself as "normal."

Come join me and let's find the beauty in all the different shades of gray.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

So for the few people that still read this, I'm sorry that I'm so boring and uninformative - and that all you get is the things that have no place in my "real life." Today I have 3 topics for you...

1. Smoking.
I don't smoke a lot, but I do occasionally have a cigarette or 2. In the year and a half that Justin and I have been together, I've probably smoked a total of 10 cigarettes give or take. I had one today... Sometimes - all it takes is just one little cigarette and the world feels allllllright. I still don't like the smell (except when it's on Justin's breath... weird, I know) and I'll never need it, but I love having the right to indulge a little.

2. Jack Mormons.
Jack Mormons... well - they're alright. I've had a lot of trouble with my brother's jack mormon girlfriend lately. Her and my brother are soon-to-be engaged, and at 28 years old, her father is requiring that my brother ask for her hand. Not only that, but a religious discussion will ensue since my brother is an atheist aka heathen. THIS bothers me a ton. The girl claims to hold to her faith, but she drinks, has "intimate relations" with my brother, and pretty much lives with him - but denies this to everyone that could possibly judge her for it. It drives me nuts. I have never met anyone so hypocritical as she is - she even claims that she's not inactive, even though she hasn't been to church more than three or four times in the last year. Talk about some cog dis... so yes, not so much a fan of Jack Mormons these days - even though I do like her as a person.

3. Parents of the faith.
I had a "run in" with my mother last weekend and I was finally able to say some things to her that had been a long time coming. She asked me if I even believe in God anymore. I told her that I wouldn't answer that question and asked why she was asking. She said, "To see how far gone you are." To which I replied, "To see how far gone I am??? (She interrupts.) No mom, you need to listen to me. You have been nothing but disrespectful to me in the last year and a half. Questioning my morality, my character, my ability to be my own person - accusing me of swaying in the wind to whoever is around me. Do you think it has been EASY for me to disappoint you? Do you think this has been EASY for me? I am a good person. I make good decisions - and I am happy." (Paraphrasing of course, but I did say all of those things to her). I'm hoping it cleared the air a little bit.
My dad has yet to talk to me about it at all. I wonder if my mom gets the brunt of my frustration because she is actually willing to talk to me, or if it is her that is behind all of the worrying for my salvation. I really need to sit down and have a talk with both of them one of these days.

That's it....

I'm grateful for this little place in my life for all the things that have nowhere to go.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

I almost published this on my public blog.Most of my Mormon friends have been pretty understanding of my new way of thinking, but I thought this might be a little much.Maybe one day…

One of the most interesting things that I've come across with my new way of life is a huge switch in the way that I view a lot of things. There were a lot of things taught to me or implied to me while I was growing up that held deep seeded beliefs for me that I've now realized aren't so cut and dry. I'm not saying that these things weren't taught to me for good reasons. I know that they were. What I AM saying though, is that the world isn't so black and white as you might think.
Today, a friend on facebook posted a rather distubing link about a woman who, while drunk, let something awful happen to her child. My friend also posted that she wondered when people would realize that drinking was selfish, irresponsible, and stupid. A little less than 2 years ago, I would have completely agreed with her. However, now - I'd have to respond that what is selfish, irresponsible, and stupid is the person- not the drinking.
The reason I decided to write about this is because a couple of months ago, I had a pretty painful confrontation with my dad who misunderstood something I posted on my fb about getting some Sangria for Cinco De Mayo. The Sangria I was referring to is a Mexican Soda that you can find at places like Bajio, some grocery stores, and Mexican markets. I love it. I've been drinking this soda for years. My dad, however, thought I was referring to the wine also called Sangria.
I understand that we were brought up being taught that alcohol is bad for you - and it can be bad for you in large amounts. Wine has actually been proven to be good for you in moderation (as well as coffee). Even the best possible thing for you can be bad for you in large amounts. The key is moderation in all things.
The key is also being smart and responsible.
My dad has also had some very painful things happen to him and his family because of alcohol so I can understand why for him and for other people the word alcohol is immediately associated with making bad choices.
Growing up, I was terrified of drunk people. I think I had only seen 2 in my whole life, and they were seriously drunk and there was probably a reason I should have feared them, but one drink or two drinks for some people do not equal out of control. My ex started drinking when we were separated and I was appalled.This was the worst possible thing in my mind that could have happened.
We've all heard the stories, I'm sure - but in the world that I now live in alcohol is associated with a lot of different things...
For example:
Cooking. I've always wanted to cook with alcohol and now I can. The actual alcohol cooks out and what you're left with is a deeper flavor that you can't get anyway else.
Parties. I'm not talking keggers or anything out of control, but friends, music, talking, a little silliness. Even a little bit of alcohol allows you to let loose a little and have some fun.
Drinks with friends. Haven't seen someone in a while, call them for a drink.
Being social. Growing up, I was always sure that bars were scary places - and I'm sure some of them can be, but every experience I've had so far has been very pleasant.

So yes, there are some very bad things about alcohol and it's definitely not meant for everyone, but there are a lot of things in life that can be bad for you if not met responsibly.

So the question for you guys is... when my friends say stuff like that should I politely correct them, or just continue letting it go?

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I'm sure this is a concept familiar to everyone and it goes perfectly with societies way of ignoring something so that it can't be true.

What I want to know is what are people so afraid of?

A lot of times I wonder how it is possible that all of my religious friends haven't figured out what I have. I'm definitely not the smartest of us - one of the less scholarly as far as school goes, so what keeps them in their comfortable bubble?

It took me a LONG time to turn to so called "anti-Mormon" literature. I think that the cases of people leaving the church or god in general from "non-faith promoting" literature is probably few and far between. I think usually it starts with something within yourself. A lingering doubt that refuses to be silenced (and how I TRIED to silence it). I stopped believing in Mormonism when I was 14. I had access to the internet, the library, friends who were not Mormon that knew more about its history than I did. It wasn't until I was 23 years old - and so incredibly desperate to find something to support the things that didn't make sense, that lingering doubt- that I finally pulled up MormonThink.com and even still it took MONTHS after that for me to read about the rituals that go on in the temple.

Even now that I am out and most people know it, I find it VERY hard to speak against the church in a setting of believers. Something inside me tells that it is morally wrong.

I think this censorship of information is wrong and unhealthy. I think there is nothing wrong with hearing, seeing, speaking "evil" as long as you can take it for what it is. I think most times the things that we keep hidden from ourselves are the things that we most need to know.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Last summer I went to Flaming Gorge Reservoir with my brother and some of his friends to go cliff jumping. I was so excited to go. I hadn't been camping in quite a few years and that with the combination of cliff jumping (something I'd never done) the anticipation had really been built up.
I remember standing at the edge of one of the smaller cliffs (although not the smallest... :-D) and staring into the water, feeling a slight breeze ripple across my body. It was at that moment that I felt like all the pain, anxiety, fear, anger, and sorrow of the past 4 years of my life hit me. My chest constricted and I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was being consumed by my fear - my fear of the life I had led and also of the life awaiting me. I think I stood there for about 20 minutes as everyone around me was jumping in or heading to even higher cliffs. People were calling to me from the water to jump. For those 20 minutes, I just couldn't let go.
I remember taking a deep breath and stepping back. When I found my way to the surface, I sucked in the fresh air and I knew that in that moment between standing on the cliff and being suspended in the air, the safety of the cliff gone - I had finally let go.

Monday, April 4, 2011

I've been through a lot in the past couple of years and through my work I realize that I show a lot of signs of someone who has been through a trauma. It is hard to feel normal when you are mistrusting of every person you meet (and continue to be so), experience night terrors at the ripe age of 24, deal with at least weekly panic attacks if not more, flashbacks, etc. I find myself asking myself when did this all begin, what things have I dealt with that have caused me to be so "traumatized."
I'd like to blame it on Lane, my first real boyfriend. I was a senior, he was a sophomore. It didn't make a lot of sense for the girl that had spent her whole high school career tearing through this boy and that to fall for a sophomore and to not only fall, but to become so completely dependent on the relationship. I couldn't stand to be without Lane. If I was without him I wasn't complete. I mistrusted him - didn't expect that I could ever be possibly good enough for him. I suffocated him and he broke up with me. I'd like to tell you that it was my "high standards" at the time. He wanted to have sex, I was too scared and ashamed - was the reason that he broke up me with, but the truth of the matter was is it was my own special brand of crazy that drove him away. I'd like to say its because he told me he was going snowboarding and went to a party instead that started my inherent need to mistrust, but that's not where it began.
I'd like to blame it on my ex-husband and to an extent I can. He repeatedly abused my trust and because I was already in such a codependent state upon meeting him - I didn't think I deserved any better. He took advantage of me, was emotionally and somewhat sexually abusive. I was never good enough, never could meet up. Instead of creating these insecurities - they relied on something that was already there.
In the last couple of weeks I've really started to take a good look at myself and stop trying to find answers in these failures of mine. I've honestly decided to look beyond the most obvious answers of me being the way I am and figure out how this all started.
When did I decided that I wasn't worth it, that I couldn't trust myself, that I was somehow less and would always be so?
I'd like to blame my mom. Growing up my mom wasn't and still isn't the most loving person, although in a lot of ways she has come a long way. I mean, she is in her own way. You know how some kid's parents will defend them to the death, their kids couldn't possibly be wrong, bad, anything less than perfect? That wasn't my mom - my mom was always one of the first to point out, suggest that I did something wrong. She didn't tell me she loved me, didn't hug me. I possessed this desire to please her so I go straight A's, hugged her, constantly told her I loved her, how cute she is, I suffocated her and it terrified her. She was dealing with her own imperfections. My mom and I aren't that different. The only difference really is where my mom admits defeat before the battle is over... I refuse to draw back even after it being painfully aware that I've lost and it's pointless to continue.
I'd like to blame my grandma, my mom's mom.
... and I realize that I belong to a generation of brokenness brought on by the inability to be perfect. The inability to cut ourselves some slack, relax, calm down and just enjoy life for what it is.
Where did this start? Well, I have an idea.
I've been taught since I can remember that I was, in fact, NOT good enough. I was so bad that my (heavenly) brother had to die for me and if only I could have been a little less sinful, a little more perfect - he wouldn't have had to suffer so much. I remember hearing a story growing up about what the afterlife would be like. At some point we'd be sitting in a movie theater next to Jesus watching the movie of our life and for every time that it came across something bad that you did (anything from a lie to sexual indiscretion) that scene of our life would be gone, erased... it never happened. They go on to say that if you chanced to catch a glimpse of your movie partner at that moment - you'd see him in extraordinary pain remembering the suffering you had caused him because of that moment.
What constitutes a bad decision? Speaking up to your mom because she was disrespectful to you? Being angry at your husband because he's never home on time? or even standing up for yourself at all because it made the other person feel bad?
Sounds like the perfect recipe to make someone question everything they did or are about to do - become obsessed with doing everything just right. They learn not to trust themselves, compiled on with a constant reminder of your own unworthiness and it is no wonder we turn out the way we do.

I have no idea when I'm going to stop blaming myself that I've disappointed my mother my whole life, that she just couldn't love me; stop blaming myself that my 1st boyfriend felt the need to lie to me because it was the only way he could get away from my suffocation and jealously; stop blaming myself that my ex-husband abused and cheated on me; and stop blaming myself that I to this day feel the after effects of all of my imperfections.

I can't wait for the day that I can look in the mirror, accept the past, and say I am worth it, I am good enough, and I am trustworthy - and I'll never be perfect.