Spaceballs

Transcribed by: Sonja

Once upon a time warp…
In a galaxy very, very, very, very, far away, there lived a ruthless race of beings known as…Spaceballs.
Chapter Eleven
The evil leaders of Planet Spaceball, having foolishly squandered their precious atmosphere, have devised a secret plan to take every breath of air away from their peace-loving neighbor, Planet Druidia.
Today is Princess Vespa's wedding day. Unbeknownest to the princess, but knowest to us, danger lurks in the stars above. . .
If you can read this, you don't need glasses.
(Space)
(A very large ship, the Spaceball 1, passes by at a very slow speed. Once the ship has gone by we see a bumper sticker on the tail end that says 'We Brake For Nobody'.)
(Spaceball 1 - Bridge)
(Colonel Sandurz is standing at the head of the bridge.)
Rico: Colonel Sandurz.
Sandurz: What is it, Sergeant Rico?
Rico: You told me to let you know the moment Planet Druidia was in sight, sir.
Sandurz: So?
Rico: Planet Druidia is in sight, sir.
Sandurz: You're really a Spaceball. You know that, don't you?
Rico: Thanks, sir.
Sandurz: Have you notified Lord Helmet?
Rico: Yes, sir. I took the liberty. He's on his way.
Spaceball: Make way for Dark Helmet.
Sandurz: All rise in the presence of Dark Helmet.
(The door opens and in walks Dark Helmet. He looks much like Darth Vader, except he's shorter. He's breathing very heavily as he walks towards the camera. He stops just in front of the camera, breaths for a few moments, and then throws back the mask on his helmet.)
Helmet: I can't breathe in this thing.
Sandurz: We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
Helmet: Good. I'll call Spaceball City, and notify President Skroob immediately.
Rico: I already called him, sir. He knows everything.
Helmet: What? You went over my helmet?
Rico: Well, not exactly over it, sir. More on the side. I'll always call you first. It'll never happen again. Never, ever!
(Helmet puts on his Schwartz ring.)
Rico: Oh shit! No, no, no, no, no, please, no, no, please, no, not that. (he reaches up and covers his neck.)
Helmet: (pulls mask down) Yes. That. (shoots a green ray at Rico's crotch)
Rico: Whaoooooooo! Owwwwwwwwww!
(Guards come in and take Rico away.)
Helmet: Sandurz.
Sandurz: (covers his crotch) Sir?
Helmet: I don't see Planet Druidia. Where is it?
Sandurz: We don't have visual contact yet, sir, but we have it on the radar screen. Shall I punch it up for you?
Helmet: Nah, never mind. I'll do it myself.
Sandurz: Very good, sir.
(Sandurz and Helmet walk over to the radar screen that is against the wall. Helmet stops in front of the coffee maker.)
Helmet: What's the matter with this thing? What's all that churning and bubbling? You call that a radar screen.
Sandurz: No, sir. We call it, Mr. Coffee. (points at label, Mr. Coffee) Care for some?
Helmet: Yes! I always have coffee when I watch radar. You know that.
Sandurz: Of course I do, sir.
Helmet: Everybody knows that.
Spaceballs: (they all cover their crotch) Of course we do, sir.
Helmet: (takes coffee) Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar. Where is it?
Sandurz: (points to label Mr. Radar) Right here, sir.
Helmet: Switch to teleview.
(The radar changes to show a picture of Planet Druidia.)
Helmet: There it is, Planet Druidia, and underneath the air shield, ten thousand years of fresh air. We must get through that air shield.
Sandurz: We will, sir. Once we kidnap the princess, we will force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shield. Thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceballs.
Helmet: Everybody got that? Good! When will the princess be married?
Sandurz: Within the hour, sir.
Helmet: Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon. (takes a drink of coffee) Mmmm, mmm, mmm.
(Sandurz hits Helmet on the back and Helmet spits out his coffee and his mask comes down.)
Helmet: (mask down) Hot! Too hot!
(Planet Druidia)
(Outside a Church. The sign reads 'Today, the Royal Wedding of Princess Vespa to Prince Valium. Tomorrow, Bingo.')
(Church - Inside)
(The Usher is straightening King Roland's outfit. Princess Vespa is pacing.)
Roland: Oh, if only your mother were alive to see this day. All right, is everyone ready?
Usher: Yes, your majesty.
Vespa: No! Where's my droid of honor?
Usher: Oh dear, yes. Where's Dot? Dot? Dot Matrix? Oh, thank god. Where've you been?
Dot: Here I am. I'm sorry. I had to make a pit stop. I'm so excited, I couldn't hold my oil.
Usher: All right, people. It's magic time.
Roland: All right, everyone, starting on the left foot. (puts his right foot out)
Vespa: Daddy that's your right foot.
Roland: It's too late. Keep going.
(They begin the walk down the aisle. The organist is playing 'Here Comes The Bride'.)
Vespa: (stops) Daddy.
(Organ player stops.)
Vespa: Must I go through with this.
Roland: I'm sorry, my dear, you have to.
(They start walking again. The organ starts up again.)
Vespa: (stops) But, daddy. (Organ stops again.) I don't love him.
Roland: I'm sorry, Vespa, he's the last prince left in the galaxy.
(Prince Valium yawns. Vespa and Roland reach the alter.)
Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on this most joyous occasion, to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland....
(Vespa keeps walking past the alter and heads for a side door, dragging Dot along behind her.)
Minister: ....going right past the alter, heading down the ramp, and out the door.
Roland: Stop her! Someone, stop her! Stop her!
(Outside Church)
(Vespa and Dot come out of the Church and head for the getaway car.)
Dot: Hey wait! You forgot to get married. Will you stop?
(They reach the car and Vespa opens the door.)
Dot: What are you doing?
Vespa: No questions, Dot. Get in.
(She climbs in the car and starts it. The ramp starts to tilt upward. Everyone else runs out of the Church to see what's going on.)
Roland: What is she doing? Where is she going?
(The car takes off.)
Valium: Come baaaaack! (yawns)
(Space)
(Eagle 5)
(The Eagle 5 is a Winnebago with wings. Barf, a Mog, is dancing and eating dog food in the back of the ship. A Mog is half man and half dog. Lone Star, the captain, is asleep at the wheel. He's human. The Eagle 5 is currently on Automatic Pilot. The phone stars ringing and Lone Star wakes up.)
Lone Star: (quietly) Barf. (louder) Barf. (yells) Barf!
(In the back of the ship Barf stops dancing.)
Barf: Huh?
(Barf turns down the music and listens.)
Lone Star: (os) Barf!
Barf: Always when I'm eating.
(He sets down his bowl of dog food, and picks up a box of Milk Bones.)
Lone Star: Barf!
Barf: What can I do you for, boss?
Lone Star: Where ya been?
Barf: Oh, just grabbin' myself a snack. You want some? (offers a Milk Bone)
Lone Star: No!
Barf: C'mon.
Lone Star: Answer that for me. Will ya?
Barf: Ah, sure. (he turns around to set his Milk Bones down and hits Lone Star in the face with his tail.)
Lone Star: Will you watch that thing?
Barf: Oh, sorry. I'll just put it on audio. That way they won't see ya. (hits the video switch) Yello.
(Vinnie, a robot, appears on the screen.)
Vinnie: Hello, Lone Star.
Barf: Sorry, wrong switch.
Lone Star: Hello, Vinnie, what do you want?
Vinnie: No, no, no, no, no. It's not what I want. It's what he wants. (motions to the thing next to him.)
Barf & Lone Star: Pizza the Hut.
(Pizza the Hut is a giant pile of pizza.)
Pizza: Well, if it isn't Lone Star, and his sidekick, Puke.
Barf: That's Barf.
Pizza: Barf, Puke, whatever. Where's my money?
Lone Star: Don't worry, Pizza. You'll have it by next week.
Pizza: No, no. I gotta have it by tomorrow.
Lone Star: A hundred thousand spacebucks, by tomorrow?
Pizza: A hundred thousand? Ha, ha, ha. No way. You forgot late charges, which brings it up to, um, one million spacebucks.
Lone Star: A million? That's unfair.
Pizza: Unfair to pay all, but enough to payee, but you gonna pay it, or else.
Barf: Or else what?
Pizza: Tell 'em, Vinnie.
Vinnie: Or else Pizza is gonna send out for you.
Vinnie & Pizza: (laughs)
(Vinnie takes a bit of Pizza.)
Vinnie: Mmmm. You're delicious.
Pizza: Chow, boys.
(He hangs up.)
(Vespa's Car)
(Vespa's hair is now done up like Princes Leah's buns in Star Wars.)
Dot: Can we talk? Okay, we all know Prince Valium is pilled, but you could've married him for your father's sake, and have a headache for the next 25 years.
(Vespa ignores her.)
Dot: Will you turn that thing off!
(Vespa looks over and sees that Dot is talking to her.)
Vespa: What? (removes the buns which turn out to be headphones) What is it?
Dot: I was saying, do realize what you've done.
Vespa: Yes, and I'm glad. Glad, glad, glad, glad, glad. (puts the headphones back on)
Dot: I wonder if she's glad.
(Planet Spaceball - Spaceball City)
(President Skroob's office. Skroob is talking on the phone.)
Skroob: Don't be ridiculous. As president of Planet Spaceball, I can assure both you and your viewers, that there is absolutely no air shortage whatsoever. Yes, of course, I've heard the same rumor myself. Thanks for calling, and not reversing the charges. Bye. (hangs up phone) Shithead.
(He opens his desk drawer and takes out a can. He opens the can. The can is 'Perrier Salt-Free Air'. He begins to breath in the air.)
Commanderette: (appears on the wall) President Skroob.
Skroob: (throws can over his shoulder and closes the drawer) Yes.
Commanderette: This is Central Control, Spaceball Commanderette Zarican speaking, sir.
Skroob: Yes, what is it Commanderette?
Commanderette: Lord Helmet has informed us that Princess Vespa is in sight, and Spaceball 1 is closing in on her.
Skroob: Good, good.
Commanderette: We have both ships coming up on the teledar, sir, if you wish to observe.
Skroob: I'll be down immediately.
Commanderette: Shall I have Snotty beam you down?
Skroob: I don't about that beaming stuff. Is it safe?
Commanderette: Oh yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful.
Skroob: All right, I take a shot at it. What the hell, it works on Star Trek. (walks over to the beaming pad)
Commanderette: Snotty, beam him down.
Snotty: (os) Yes, sir. Immediately, sir.
(Skroob beams out of his office.)
(Central Control)
(Skroob appears on the beaming pad. However his head is on backwards.)
Snotty: (os) Gees feesetes, what's happened to his head?
Commanderette: It's on backwards.
Skroob: This is terrible. Do something.
Snotty: I'm sorry, sir. There must have been a microconverter malfunction.
Skroob: (lifts up the tail on his suit) Why didn't somebody tell me ass was so big.
(Everyone else looks and snickers.)
Snotty: Hold on, sir. We'll try and reverse the beam. Could be the interlocking system.
(Skroob scratches his leg.)
Snotty: (flipping switches) Lock 1, Lock 2, Lock 3, Lock lone.
(Skroob beams out.)
(President Skroob's Office)
(Skroob appears on the beaming pad. His head is on correctly. Commanderette appears on the wall.)
Commanderette: Are you all right, Mr. President.
Skroob: Fine, fine, no thanks to you.
Commanderette: We'll beam you back, sir.
Skroob: Forget it. Forget it. No more beaming. This time I'm gonna walk. (walks through the door)
(Central Control)
(Skroob walks in through the door from his office.)
Commanderette: President Skroob, Salute.
Spaceballs: (salute) Hail Skroob!
(Skroob salutes.)
Charlene & Marlene: Hello, President Skroob.
Skroob: Oh, uh. Hello, Charlene.
Marlene: I'm Marlene.
Skroob: Hello, Marlene.
Charlene: I'm Charlene.
Skroob: Chew your gum. Where's the Princess.
Commanderette: Right there, sir. On the left side of the screen of the screen, approaching Spaceball 1, at fifteen hundred light leagues per minute.
Skroob: Good, good. She almost in our grasp. Tell Dark Helmet he must take the Princess alive.
(Spaceball 1)
(Spaceball 1 is closing in on Vespa's car. Sandurz and Helmet are standing on the bridge.)
Sandurz: Princess Vespa's spaceship within range, sir.
Helmet: (mask down) Good. Fire a warning shot across her nose.
(Guns start firing.)
(Vespa's Car)
(Vespa takes of her headphones. The car is shaking.)
Vespa: What's going on?
Dot: It either the 4th of July, or someone trying to kill us.
Vespa: Hey! I don't have to put up with this. I'm rich. (picks up phone)
Dot: What you doing?
Vespa: I'm calling my father. 1-800-DRUIDIA. (dials the phone)
(Spaceball 1)
Helmet: (lifts up mask) Careful, you idiot. I said across her nose, not up it.
Gunner: (lifts up his face shield) Sorry, sir. (he's cross-eyed) Doing my best.
Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Major: I did, sir. He's my cousin. (he is cross-eyed, too)
Helmet: Who is he?
Sandurz: He's an Asshole, sir.
Helmet: I know that. What's his name?
Sandurz: That is his name, sir. Asshole, Major Asshole.
Helmet: And his cousin?
Sandurz: He's an Asshole, too, sir. Gunner's-mate, 1st Class, Philip Asshole.
Helmet: How many Assholes we got on this ship, anyhow?
(Most of the crew stand up.)
Assholes: Yo!
Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes. (pulls down mask) Keep firing, Assholes.
(Vespa's Car)
(Vespa is on the phone with her father.)
Vespa: Hurry, Daddy, hurry. They're laser blasts all around us. I'm so scared.
(Eagle 5)
Roland: King Roland to Lone Star. King Roland to Lone Star. Are you there?
(Lone Star answers the phone.)
Roland: Lone Star, you've got to help me. Please, save my daughter. She's being attacked by Spaceballs.
Lone Star: Spaceballs? Forget it. Too dangerous. Besides, I'm already numero uno on Dark Helmet's hit list.
Barf: Look, your highness, it's not that we're afraid. Far from it. It's just we got this thing about them. It's not us.
Roland: Please, you must. You're the only ones who can save her. I'll give anything. Did you her me? Anything.
Barf: Anything?
Roland: Yes! Anything!
Lone Star: Okay, we'll do it for a million.
Roland: A million?
Barf: Whoa, you startin' to fade here. We're losing picture, your highness.
Roland: All right, all right, I'll pay it. Only find her, save her.
Lone Star: All right, King, you just made a deal.
Barf: One princess for one million spacebucks.
Lone Star: What's she drivin'?
Roland: A brand new, white Mercedes, 2001 SEL Limited Edition. Moon roof, all leather interior. I got it at a very good price. I paid cash. My cousin, Prince Murray, has a dealership in the valley. He was very nice to me.
Lone Star: We get the idea. Where was she last seen?
Roland: She was just passing Jupiter 2.
Lone Star: We'll find her.
Roland: Please, bring her back safely. And, if it's all possible, try to save the car. Hangs up.)
Barf: One million spacebucks. We'll be able to pay off Pizza the Hut.
Lone Star: Gimmie paw.
Both: (howl like dogs)
(Vespa's Car)
(Spaceball 1 has the car in it's magnetic beam.)
Vespa: What's happening? What's that glow? We're not moving.
Dot: Oh, we're moving all right, backwards.
(Eagle 5)
Lone Star: Look, there's our princess. She's got company.
Barf: Oh, no, Spaceballs. And they've already got her in their magnetic beam. Oh, well, we're too late. What a shame. I'll just throw her in reverse, and we'll get outta here. (reaches for the reverse switch)
Lone Star: (stops him) Barf. No. Bad.
Barf: Oh, what are we doing risking our lives for a runaway princess? I know we need the money...
Lone Star: Listen. We're not just doing this for money. We're doing it for a shit load of money!
Barf: Oh, you're right, and when you're right, you're right, and you, you're always right. Okay, we save her, but how? The minute we move in there, they're spot us on their radar.
Lone Star: Uh-uh.
Barf: Uh-huh.
Lone Star: Uh-uh.
Barf: Uh-huh.
Lone Star: Uh-uh, not if we jam it.
Barf: Ah, ha! You're right.
Lone Star: Down scope.
Barf: Down scope.
(The scope comes down. Barf looks through it and focus's on the radar satellite.)
Barf: Radar, about to be jammed.
(A jar of jam comes flying and crashes into the satellite.)
(Spaceball 1)
(The radar begins to malfunction. Suddenly it goes blank.)
Radar Tech: Shit. (dials phone; into intercom)
Sandurz: What is it?
Radar Tech: (os) (into intercom) Can I talk to for a minute, please, sir.
(Sandurz & Helmet walk over to him.)
Sandurz: Well.
Radar Tech: (into intercom) I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
Sandurz: You don't need that, Private, we're right here. (hangs up microphone) Now, what is it?
Radar Tech: (in intercom voice) I'm having trouble with radar, sir.
Helmet: (rips the microphone out of the wall) Now, what is it?
Radar Tech: I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
Helmet: What's wrong with it?
Radar Tech: I've lost the bleeps, I've the lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps.
Helmet: The what?
Sandurz: The what?
Helmet: And the what?
Radar Tech: You know. The bleeps, (makes bleeps sounds) the sweeps, (makes sweeps sounds) and the creeps. (makes creeps sounds)
Helmet: (to Sandurz) That's not he's lost.
Radar Tech: Sir. The radar, sir. It appears to be...
(Jam starts running down the screen.)
Radar Tech: ...jammed.
Helmet: Jammed? (takes a taste of the jam) Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry. (pulls down mask) Lone Star!
(The camera zooms in on Helmet and finally hits him in the face. He falls down.)
(Eagle 5 finally catches up to Vespa's car.)
(Vespa's Car)
(There is a thump on the roof of the car.)
Vespa: What was that?
(There is a knock on the door.)
Dot: Nevermind that. What was that?
(The roof opens revealing Barf smiling.)
Vespa & Dot: Aaahhh!!
Barf: Hi.
Vespa: Who are you?
Barf: Barf.
Dot: Not in here, mister. This is a Mercedes.
Barf: Nah, that's my name. Barf.
Vespa: Barf? What are you?
Barf: I'm a Mog. Half-man, half-dog. I'm my own best friend.
Vespa: What do you want?
Barf: Your father hired Captain Lone Star and me to save ya. C'mon , we gotta hop up this ladder and get outta here.
Dot: Go, hurry, quick, darling, follow the dog.
Barf: Mog. I'm a mog.

Vespa: Wait. What about my matched luggage?
(Barf starts whimpering.)
(Eagle 5 - Ladder)
(Vespa, Dot, and Barf are climbing up into the Eagle 5. Barf is weighed down with lots of luggage.)
Dot: Hey. Stop looking up my can.
Barf: Sorry.
(Eagle 5 - Cockpit)
(Barf walks in carrying all the luggage. Lone Star just looks at him.)
Lone Star: Checking in? What the hell is all that?
Barf: (muffled) It's her royal highness's matched luggage.
Lone Star: What?
Barf: (takes strap out of mouth) Her royal highness's matched luggage.
Lone Star: Matched luggage, huh? What's she think this is....
(Barf turns to dump the luggage and hits Lone Star with his tail.)
Lone Star: ...a princess cruise.
Barf: Well, she wouldn't go without it.
Lone Star: Oh, yeah? (picks up intercom)
(Barf hits him again.)
Lone Star: (into intercom) Now hear this, as soon as we get outta hear, the first thing we do is dump the matched luggage.
Dot: What was that?
Vespa: (turns on intercom) Now you hear this, whoever you are, you will not touch that luggage, and furthermore, I want this pig-sty cleaned up. I will not be rescued in such filth.
(Cockpit)
Lone Star: (in intercom) Listen. On this ship, I don't take orders, I give 'em. This is my dream boat, sweetheart.
(Main Cabin)
Vespa: Sweetheart?
Dot: Uh-oh.
Vespa: How dare you speak to me that way. You will address me in the proper manner as your royal highness. I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.
(Cockpit)
Lone Star: Oh. That's all we needed, a Drewish princess.
Barf: Funny. She doesn't look Drewish.
(Spaceball 1)
(Vespa's car is coming up through the floor as Helmet and Sandurz walk into the Docking Bay.)
Helmet: (mask down) Now, we will show her who is in charge of this galaxy.
(A guard readies his weapon.)
Helmet: Hold it. I'll handle this personally.
Guard: Ya-ho, Lord Helmet.
Helmet: (looks at him) So, Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of Planet Spaceball. Well, you were wrong. You are now our prisoner, and you will held hostage until such time, as all of the air is transferred from your planet to ours.
(Helmet opens the door and looks inside. He lifts his mask up.)
Helmet: She's not in there.
(Everyone drops their guns and covers their crotches.)
Radar Tech: (over intercom) Radar repaired, sir. We're picking up the outline of a Winnebago.
Helmet: Winnebago? Lone Star. Lone Star!
(Helmet slams his hand down on the car causing the door to fall on him, knocking him inside.)
(Eagle 5)
(Spaceball 1 is gaining on them.)
Lone Star: Uh-oh. Here comes the the bad year blimp.
Barf: We'd better get outta here in a hurry.
Lone Star: Switch to secret Hyper-jets.
Barf: Switching to secret Hyper-jets.
Lone Star: (in intercom) Buckle up back there, we're going into hyperactive.
(Spaceball 1 - Bridge)
(Helmet and Sandurz are watching the Eagle 5 from the front of the bridge.)
Sandurz: We're closing in on them, sir. In less than minute, Lone Star will be ours.
Helmet: (mask down) Good. Prepare to attack.
Sandurz: Prepare to attack.
Helmet: On the count of three. One, two...
(Eagle 5 takes off into hyperactive.)
Helmet: Wait. (lifts mask up) What happened? Where are they?
Sandurz: I don't know, sir. They must have Hyper-jets on that thing.
Helmet: And what have we got on this thing a quezenart?
Sandurz: No, sir.
Helmet: Well, find them catch them.
Sandurz: Yes, sir. (over intercom) Prepare ship for light speed.
Helmet: No, no, no, light speed is too slow.
Sandurz: Light speed, too slow?
Helmet: Yes, we're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed.
(Everyone gasps.)
Sandurz: (gasp) Ludicrous speed? Sir, we've never gone that fast before. I don't know if this ship can take it.
Helmet: What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz, chicken?
Sandurz: (high pitched voice into intercom) Prepare ship, (normal voice) prepare ship for ludicrous speed. Fasten all seat belts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the 3-ring circus, secure all animals in the zoo...
Helmet: (takes the intercom) Gimme that you petty excuse for an officer.
(Sandurz sits in his seat and buckles up.)
Helmet: (in intercom) Now hear this, ludicrous speed...
Sandurz: Sir, hadn't you better buckle up.
Helmet: Aah, buckle this. (in microphone) Ludicrous speed, Go!
(The ship takes off. Light Speed, Ridiculous Speed, and then Ludicrous Speed. The gravity changes drastically so that Helmet has to hang on to the control table to keep from flying backwards.)
Helmet: Whoaaa! What have I done? My brains are going into my feet.
(Eagle 5)
(Lone Star and Barf watch as Spaceball 1 passes them and leaves behind a plaid trail.)
Barf: What the hell was that?
Lone Star: Spaceball 1.
Barf: They've gone to plaid.
(Spaceball 1)
Helmet: We passed them. Stop this thing.
Sandurz: We can't stop. It's too dangerous. We have to slow down first.
Helmet: Bullshit. Just stop this thing. I order you. Stooooop!
(Sandurz pulls open a panel that holds the emergency brake. It says 'Emergency Stop, Never Use'. Sandurz hits the button and the ship comes to a complete stop. Helmet goes flying into the front of the bridge.)
Sandurz: (helping Helmet up) Are you all right, sir?
Helmet: Fine. How've you been?
Sandurz: Fine, sir.
Helmet: Good.
Sandurz: It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.
Helmet: Yeah.
Sandurz: What should we do now, sir?
Helmet: Well, are we stopped?
Sandurz: We're stopped, sir.
Helmet: Good. Well, why don't we take a five minute break.
Sandurz: Very good, sir.
Helmet: Smoke if you got 'em. (passes out)
(Eagle 5)
Lone Star: Take her out of hyperactive.
Barf: Takin' her out of hyperactive. (pulls down switch) Ah, congrats, boss, we did it. They must of overshot us by a week and a half.
Lone Star: (laughs) Okay, let's set a course for Druidia.
Barf: Settin' a course for Drui, ie, ie, ie. (The ship begins shaking.)
Lone Star: What's that?
Barf: I don't know. I don't know. (looks around) We're losing power. Why? 'Cause we're outta gas.
Lone Star: We must've burned it up in hyperactive.
Barf: I told you we should've put more that five bucks worth in.
Lone Star: Okay, we'll have to set her down. Prepare for emergency landing. Quick, give me a reading.
Barf: (prays) How, oh Father, be in heaven. Thou will be Thy name, by kingdom come....
Lone Star: Will you stop that? (into intercom) Keep your seat belts fastened back there. You okay, princess?
(In the Main Cabin Vespa and Dot are desperately trying to find something to hang on to.)
Vespa: No, you idiot. Where'd you learn how to fly?
(Cockpit)
Lone Star: Okay, Eagle 5, coming in.
(Moon of Vega)
(Eagle 5 starts flying low over the desert surface of the moon.)
Barf: Ahh. Left, right, I mean right. Pull up, pull up.
(They crash into a sand dune. In the Main Cabin Vespa gets up.)
Dot: Where you going?
Vespa: I'm going to tell him off once and for all.
Dot: Wait. We'll need him to get us outta here.
(Cockpit)
Lone Star: Called me an idiot? I'm going back there and explain a few things to her.
(Main Cabin)
Dot: Besides, he's gotta a sexy voice. He might be cute.
(Cockpit)
Barf: Yeah, but, you don't know what she looks like.
Lone Star: I know what she looks like. If you've seen one princess, you've seen 'em all.
(Main Cabin)
Vespa: Cute? I know these space bums. They're all alike. Fat, ugly....
(Cockpit)
Lone Star: Bucked-toothed, knocked-knees....
(Main Cabin)
Vespa: ...bear-swilling, pigs.
(Cockpit)
Lone Star: ...horse-faced, space dogs. (gets up and goes to the back)
Barf: Yeah, well, I normally I'd, (gets up with seat belt still on) ow, that's gonna leave a mark.
(Cabin)
(Vespa and Lone Star reach each other at the same time. They stop and take in the fact that neither of them are ugly.)
Vespa: Now listen you....
Lone Star: You listen. On this ship, you're to refer to me as idiot not you captain. I mean, you know what I mean.
Vespa: And you will not call me you. You will never address me as you. You will call me your royal highness.
Lone Star: You are royal pain in the....
Barf: Whoa, hold it, time out…
Lone Star & Vespa: (irritated) What?
Barf: May I make a small suggestion? Any minute now, Spaceballs is gonna make a major U-turn, head back this way, and make us all dead.
Lone Star: He's right. Let's go.
Vespa: Wait. My things.
Lone Star: Listen, you royal....
Barf: Mmmm.
Lone Star: …highness. Take only what need to survive.
Barf: Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.
(Desert)
(Vespa is walking down a sand dune carrying an umbrella. Dot follows her pulling a small luggage cart. Lone Star and Barf bring up the rear carrying the rest of the luggage including a large trunk that they carry between them.)
Dot: Please, slow down. I'm getting sand up my gears.
Barf: Geez, I hope she didn't forget anything.
Lone Star: All right, wait a minute, Barf, put it down. (they set down the trunk) What the hell's in this thing? (he opens the trunk and pulls out a huge hair dryer.) What's this? I said take only what you need to survive.
Vespa: It's my industrial strength hair dryer, and I can't live without it.
Lone Star: Okay, princess. That's it. The fairy-tale is over. Welcome to real-life. You want this hot-air machine, you carry it. (drops it in the sand)
Vespa: You pick that up.
Lone Star: You pick that up.
Vespa: How dare you, you insolent peasant. Nobody talks to me that way. Nobody. Nobody. (echoes)
Lone Star: Well, what have we got here? Will you look at her.
Barf: Oooooo.
Lone Star: Those flashy eyes. Those flushed cheeks. Those trembling lips. You know something princess, you are ugly when you're angry.
Dot: Uh-oh.
Vespa: That's it. You and your dog are f....
Barf: Please, please. Total humans, droids, if I may. It's going to be very dark soon, so I suggest we find a place to camp for the night.
Dot: Come darling.
(Dot and Vespa start walking again. They pull the small luggage cart behind them. Lone Star and Barf pick up the trunk and follow. They leave the huge huge hair dryer behind.)
Lone Star: See, it's lighter.
Barf: Oh yeah. This is best. I could carry two or three of these.
(Spaceball 1)
(Helmet, Sandurz, and a Corporal are watching the radar.)
Helmet: (mask down) Have you found them yet?
Corporal: No, Lord Helmet. They're still not on the scanners.
Helmet: Well, keep looking for them. (drinks coffee through his mask)
Sandurz: Pardon me, sir. I have an idea. Corporal, get me the video cassette of Spaceballs-the Movie.
Corporal: Yes, sir.
(The Corporal walks over to a wall labeled 'Mr. Rental'. The cover lifts and he looks through a selection of movies.)
Helmet: Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you, please?
Sandurz: Yes, sir.
Helmet: (lifts up mask) How could there be a cassette of Spaceballs-The Movie. We're still in the middle of making it.
Sandurz: That's true, sir, but there's been a new breakthrough in home-video marketing.
Helmet: There has?
Sandurz: Yes. Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished.
Helmet: Naaaaa.
Corporal: Here it is, sir. Spaceballs.
Sandurz: Good work, Corporal. Punch it up.
(The Corporal pops the tape in and presses play. It begins with the FBI warning.)
Sandurz: Started much too early. Prepare to fast-forward.
Corporal: Preparing to fast-forward.
Sandurz: Fast-forward.
Corporal: Fast-forwarding, sir.
(Starts fast-forwarding through the ludicrous speed scene. Helmet is thrown into the panel at a high-speed.)
Helmet: Nnnnno. Go past this, past this part. In fact, never play this again.
Sandurz: Try here. Stop.
(He stops the tape and it's at the exact same moment in the real movie. Everything that's happening now is happening on the TV screen. Helmet looks at the camera, then he turns back to the screen. Sandurz looks at the camera when Helmet looks back at the screen, then he looks back at the monitor. Helmet looks at the camera when Sandurz looks back at the screen. When Helmet turns back, he waves his hand. He turns back to the camera.)
Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Sandurz: Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
Helmet: What happened to then?
Sandurz: We passed then?
Helmet: When?
Sandurz: Just now. We're at now, now.
Helmet: Go back to then.
Sandurz: When?
Helmet: Now.
Sandurz: Now?
Helmet: Now.
Sandurz: I can't.
Helmet: Why?
Sandurz: We missed it.
Helmet: When?
Sandurz: Just now.
Helmet: When will then be now?
(The Corporal has fast forwarded the tape a little more and he stops when he sees Lone Star, Vespa, Barf, and Dot walking in the desert.)
Sandurz: Soon.
Helmet: How soon?
Corporal: Sir.
Helmet: What?
Corporal: We've identified their location.
Helmet: Where?
Corporal: It's the Moon of Vega.
Sandurz: Good work. Set a course, and prepare for our arrival.
Helmet: When?
Corporal: Nineteen-hundred hours, sir.
Sandurz: By high-noon, tomorrow, they will be our prisoners.
Helmet: Whoooooo? (mask falls down)
(Vega Desert - Night)
(Barf is asleep. Dot is in Sleep Mode. Vespa is cold, but is trying not to show it. Lone Star notices and offers her his coat.)
Vespa: No thank you. I'm perfectly all right.
Lone Star: Take it. It's freezing. (puts the coat on her)
Vespa: If you insist. Won't you be cold?
Lone Star: Na, cold never bothers me. (shivers)
Vespa: I can't seem to find Druidia.
Lone Star: It's right there.
Vespa: Where?
Lone Star: Right there. (leans over and points to a blue star) It's that bright, blue one, right there. See?
Vespa: Oh, yeah. But it's so far… (turns and they almost kiss, pause)…away.
Lone Star: Don't worry. I'll get ya there.
Vespa: Which one's yours?
Lone Star: Who knows.
Vespa: You don't know where your from?
Lone Star: Not really. I was found on the doorstep of a monastery.
Vespa: Monastery? Where?
Lone Star: Somewhere in the Ford Galaxy.
Vespa: Well, didn't the monks tell you who your parents?
Lone Star: They couldn't. They took a vowel of silence. All I got was this. (He pulls a medallion out from under his shirt. It's written in some ancient language.) It was around my neck.
Vespa: What is it?
Lone Star: I don't know. I've taken it to every wise man in the universe. No one can tell me what it means.
Vespa: It's beautiful. You know I.... It's beautiful.
(Lone Star puts the medallion back under his shirt.)
Lone Star: So, how come you ran away from your wedding?
Vespa: Well, if you must know, I wasn't in love with the groom.
Lone Star: Why were you gonna marry him?
Vespa: Because, I'm a princess, and I have to marry a prince.
Lone Star: Ah, and he doesn't do it for you, huh?
Vespa: No, he doesn't do it for me. I really must go back. I shouldn't have run away. I realize, now, that love is one luxury a princess cannot afford.
Lone Star: You're probably right.
Vespa: I know, now, that I must live without love.
Lone Star: I guess so.
Vespa: Besides, love isn't that important.
Lone Star: Nah, never was.
Vespa: I could be perfectly happy the rest of my life without love. (looks at him)
Lone Star: Sure you could.
Vespa: Without physical contact.
Lone Star: Yeah.
Vespa: Without being held. (moves closer to him)
Lone Star: Yeah. (moves in closer)
Vespa: Or kissed.
(They are about to kiss when Dot's Virgin Alarm goes off.)
Barf: (wakes up) Abandon ship. Abandon ship. Women and Mogs first.
(Dot gets up and walks over to Vespa.)
Dot: (to Lone Star) We'll have none of that, mister. (to Vespa) How far did he get? Where'd he touch? Where'd he touch?
Vespa: Nothing happened.
Lone Star: What the hell was that noise?
Dot: That was my Virgin Alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do. You get back to bed, miss. And as for you, sex-fiend....
Lone Star: All right. All right. Let's all get some sleep. We gotta get moving before dawn.
Barf: Why so early?
Lone Star: Because, we're in the middle of the desert, and we're not gonna get far once that blazing sun gets overhead.
(Dissolve to a blazing sun.)
Barf: (vo) Nice dissolve.
(Vega Desert - Day)
(Lone Star, followed by Barf, Dot, and Vespa in that order are trudging through the desert. They are all very tired.)
Lone Star: Water, water.
Barf: (panting) Water.
Dot: Oil, oil.
Vespa: Room service, room service.
(Later)
(Lone Star is now carrying Vespa, who has passed out. Barf is carrying Dot.)
Barf: I can't, I can't, I can't go, I can't go any further. I can't go any further.
Lone Star: Just one more dune to go.
Barf: Nope. you said that three dunes ago. I got no more left. Oh, waiter, check please. (falls down)
Lone Star: Must go on. Must go on. Must go on. Who am I kidding? (drops Vespa, then falls down)
(At this moment the Dinks arrive. They are short people, dressed in brown robes with goldish skin.)
Dinks: (sing) Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink....
(They stop singing when they spot our fallen hero's lying on the ground. The Dinks rush to their aid.)
Dink 1: Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.
(The Dinks split up and give water to Lone Star, Barf, and Vespa. They give oil to Dot.)
(Barf's tail starts wagging as they give him water.)
Dink: Dink, dink, dink, dink.
Barf: Oh, thanks little guy. (starts lapping the water)
Lone Star: Thank you.
Dinks: Dink, dink, dink.
Lone Star: (looking around at the Dinks) Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?
(The Dinks lead Lone Star, Barf, Vespa, and Dot somewhere.)
Dinks: (continue to sing their song)
(Desert - Elsewhere)
(Helmet and Sandurz are in a sand cruiser (of sorts). Helmet is standing up watching his men through some binoculars. His out fit is now khaki colored, blending in with the desert, with a helmet to match.)
Helmet: I don't see them, Sandurz.
Sandurz: I've sent the troops on up to Vector 78, sir.
Helmet: Good. Let's get moving.
Sandurz: Yes, sir. Driver, prepare to move out.
Helmet: What are you preparing. You're always preparing. Just go!
Sandurz: Just go.
Spaceball: Yes, sir.
Sandurz: Sir, shouldn't you sit down.
(They take off. The immediate motion causes Helmet to fall back into his seat.)
(Temple Entrance)
(The Dinks are open a secret door in the sand, and lead Lone Star, Barf, Vespa, and Dot inside. They walk down a set of stairs.)
(Temple)
Dinks: Dink, dink, dink. Dink, dink, dink.
Barf: What are they sayin'?
Vespa: Well, it's obvious they want us to go with them.
(They start walking into a large room with a huge statue at the other end.)
Vespa: What is this place?
Barf: It looks like the Temple of Doom.
Dot: Sure ain't Temple Bethrasel.
Lone Star: C'mon. I think we'd better follow 'em.
(Steam starts coming out of the ears of the statue.)
Barf: Ah-oh. I think we woke it up.
Dot: Goodbye, folks. (turns around and starts running to the door) Let me know how it turns out.
Vespa: Comeback here, Dot. We need you.
Lone Star: C'mon, we gotta keep going.
Vespa: What's gonna happen now?
Lone Star: Don't ask, maybe it won't.
Barf: Well, what if it does? I don't about know about you, but I'm all for leaving. I think we oughtta get outta here...
(Fire comes out of the statue's mouth.)
All: Wow!
Yogurt: (os) Silence! Who dares enter the sacred and awesome presence of the everlasting know-it-all, Yogurt?
All: (in awe) Yogurt?
(The bottom of the statue opens up. A small man about 3 feet tall comes out.)
Yogurt: You heard of me?
Lone Star: Heard of ya? Who hasn't of Yogurt?
Vespa: Yogurt, the wise.
Dot: Yogurt, the all powerful.
Barf: Yogurt, the magnificent.
Yogurt: Please, please, don't make a fuse. I'm just plain Yogurt.
Lone Star: But you're the one....
Yogurt: Yes. I am the keeper of a greater magic. A power known throughout the universe, known as....
Barf: The force?
Yogurt: No. The Schwartz.
All: The Schwartz?
Yogurt: Yes. The Schwartz.
(He holds out his Schwartz ring. His is similar to the ring that Helmet wears.)
Lone Star: But, Yogurt, what is this place? What is that you do here?
Yogurt: Merchandising.
Barf: Merchandising? What's that?
Yogurt: Merchandising. Come. I'll show. Open up this door.
(The Dinks open a panel in the wall to reveal a whole array of Spaceball merchandise.)
Yogurt: Ha, ha, ha, come. Walk this way. Take a look. We put the pictures name on everything. Merchandising. Merchandising. Where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs-the T-shirt, Spaceballs-the Coloring Book, Spaceballs-the Lunch box, Spaceballs-the Breakfast Cereal, Spaceballs-the Flame Thrower. (turns it on)
Dinks: Ooooooo.
Yogurt: The kids love this one. Last, but not least, Spaceballs - the Doll. (hold up a doll of himself) Me. (pulls on the string)
Doll: May the Schwartz be with you.
Yogurt: Adorable.
(Planet Spaceball - Spaceball City)
(Skroob's Bedroom - Night)
(Marlene and Charlene are in Skroob's bed. Skroob is under the covers. Suddenly the Commanderette appears on the wall.)
Commanderette: President Skroob.
(The girls quickly duck under the covers. Skroob comes out from under the sheet holding a book upside down.)
Skroob: What is it?
Commanderette: I have an urgent message from Lord Helmet. He's lost the princess.
Skroob: Where?
Commanderette: Somewhere on the sands of Vega.
Skroob: Tell him to comb the desert. Do you hear me? Comb the desert.
Commanderette: Yes, sir.
(Vega Desert)
(Some Spaceballs are literally combing the desert with very large combs. Helmet and Sandurz watch from the cruiser.)
Sandurz: Sir.
Helmet: (into bullhorn) What?
Sandurz: Are we being too literal?
Helmet: (into bullhorn) No, you fool. We're following orders. We were told to comb the desert, so we're combing it.
(Helmet lowers the bullhorn and shouts to the Spaceballs.)
Helmet: (shouts) Found anything yet?
Spaceball: Nothing yet, sir.
Helmet: (shouts) How about you?
Spaceball 2: Not a thing, sir.
Helmet: (shouts) What about you guys?
Spaceball 3: (with mini-comb) We ain't found shit.
(Temple)
(Yogurt and Lone Star are standing in front of Yogurt's statue. Lone Star is showing his medallion to Yogurt.)
Lone Star: It's a big mystery. None of the wise men can tell me what it means.
Yogurt: Wise men, pa sha. Wise guys, you mean. What do they know? Here, let me take a look. (he takes the medallion) Whuck, whuck, munuck, munck, muck, muck.
Lone Star: You can read it?
Yogurt: No, I was just clearing my throat. Here, let me take look at this. Ohh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, of course.
Lone Star: You understand it?
Yogurt: Yes.
Lone Star: What's it say?
Yogurt: I cannot tell you that now. It will be revealed to you at the proper time.
Lone Star: Great. (puts the medallion back under his shirt)
Yogurt: C'mon, don't be disappointed. Back to your Schwartz training. Here, take the ring. Point it at that big statue.
Lone Star: (puts the ring on) Okay, but I still don't understand how I'm going to lift that big statue with this little ring.
Yogurt: Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz.
(Lone Star points the ring at the statue.)
Yogurt: C'mon, concentrate.
(The statue begins to lift of the ground.)
Yogurt: Lone Starr, you're doing it. You're doing it. (laughs)
Lone Star: I can't believe it. The Schwartz, it's working.
(Barf walks up and stops as he sees the statue floating. His foot is directly underneath the statue.)
Barf: Hey, boss, how'd you do that?
(Lone Star loses concentration and the statue falls down, right onto Barf's foot.)
Barf: Whaoooooowwww! Whao, whao, whao, ahhhh, who, who, whooo…
Yogurt: Gimme the ring. Gimmie the ring.
(Yogurt puts on the ring and points it at the statue.)
Yogurt: Upsidasi, upsimasi, upsidaisy.
(The statue rises again and Barf is able to free his foot. It's now as flat as a pancake.)
Barf: Owwwwwww, ooooohoooo, ooooooo....
Lone Star: Sorry, Barf.
(Barf continues to wail and groan from the pain. He shoots Lone Star a dirty look and limps away.)
(Temple Entrance)
(Helmet is standing next to the hidden door and doesn't know it. Sandurz is issuing orders.)
Sandurz: Keep searching. (to Helmet) It's no use, sir. We've searched everywhere.
Helmet: Wait. I feel the presence of the Schwartz.
Sandurz: The Schwartz?
Helmet: Yes. It's coming...(he gets his ring out of his pocket and puts it on)
(Sandurz covers his crouch.)
Helmet: …from somewhere down...there. (points)
Sandurz: (brushes the sand away) You're right, sir. There's a secret entrance here. And look at this insignia, it's a Y.
Helmet: Yogurt. Yogurt. I hate Yogurt. Even with strawberries.
Sandurz: I'll call the attack squad, sir.
Helmet: No, we can't go in there. Yogurt has the Schwartz. It's far too powerful.
Sandurz: But, sir, your ring. Don't you have the Schwartz, too?
Helmet: No, he got the up-side. I got the down-side. You see, there's two sides to every Schwartz.
Sandurz: Well, how are we gonna go in there and get her?
Helmet: (flips his mask down) We will not go in there. She will come out to us. (holds up his ring)
(Temple)
(All our hero's are asleep. Vespa sleeps on a bed surrounded by candles. Dot is in Sleep Mode. Suddenly King Roland can be heard.)
Roland: (os) Vespa. Vespa, my child. Where are you?
Vespa: (wakes up) Daddy?
Roland: (os) Vespa, it's your father, King Roland. Come to me.
Vespa: Daddy. Daddy, I hear you. I hear you. Where are you? (starts walking out the door)
Roland: (os)Follow my voice. Come to me. Come to me.
Dot: (wakes up) Vespa, where are you going?
(Temple Entrance)
(King Roland is standing outside in the desert.)
Roland: Vespa, come to me.
Vespa: (opens the door and walks on the desert toward Roland) Daddy, is it really you?
Roland: Yes, my dear. I guarantee it. Would I lie?
Vespa: Daddy.
(Dot walks out in Supervision Mode.)
Dot: Oh, Vespa, don't.
(When Vespa reaches out to hug King Roland, he turns in to Dark Helmet.)
Vespa: Ah! Ohhh. (faints and falls into Helmet's arms)
Helmet: (mask down) Fooled you. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
(A guard covers Dot's eyes and she shuts down.)
Helmet: Take them both aboard, and put the princess in my quarters. (hands Vespa to Sandurz)
Sandurz: Yes sir. (walks off with Vespa)
Helmet: Now she is mine.
(Temple)
(The Dinks are dinking. Lone Star and Barf come out from their room.)
Lone Star: What are they sayin'?
Yogurt: They've taken the princess.
(Lone Star and Barf run outside.)
(Temple Entrance)
(Spaceball 1 takes off. Lone Star and Barf run out the door.)
Lone Star: Spaceballs, too late.
Barf: Don't worry, boss. We'll get her back.
(Desert)
(Lone Star and Barf are about to take off in the Eagle 5.)
Lone Star: Thanks for the gas, Yogurt.
Yogurt: You're welcome, and here. (throws Lone Star a fortune cookie) Just encase you get hungry.
Lone Star: (catches it) A fortune cookie?
Yogurt: Yes. Remember, open it before you eat it.
Lone Star: Thanks. Well, we'd better get going. I wonder, we will we ever see each other again.
Yogurt: Who knows. God willing we'll all meet again in Spaceballs II: The Search for More Money. Good-bye, Lone Star.
Lone Star: Good-bye, Yogurt.
(They shake hands. When Lone Star pulls his hand back he's holding the Schwartz ring.)
Lone Star: The ring of the Schwartz. No, I can't take this.
Yogurt: Take it. Take it. You might need it.
Lone Star: Thanks. I'll never forget you. Wish me luck.
Dinks: Dink, dink.
(Lone Star climbs into the Eagle 5. It takes off.)
(Spaceball 1 - Helmet's Room)
(Helmet's back is to the camera. He is apparently talking with Vespa.)
Helmet: (mask up; talking in his mask down voice) So, Princess Vespa. At last, I have you in my clutches. To have my way with you. The way I want to.
(The camera pans around and we find out that he's playing with little Spaceball action figures of our hero's.)
Helmet: (as Vespa) No. No, please, leave me alone. (mask down voice) No you are mine. (as Lone Star) Not so fast, Helmet. (mask down voice) Lone Star. (as Lone Star) Yes, it's me. I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey. (mask down voice) Now you are going to die. (as Lone Star) Oh, oh, ohhhh. (as Barf) Hey, what did you do to my friend? (mask down voice) The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy. (as Barf) Oh, ohhh. (mask down voice) And you too. (as Dot) Oh, ohh. (mask down voice) Now, Princess Vespa, at last we are alone. (as Vespa) No, no, I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Leave me alone....yet, I find you strangely attractive. (mask down voice) Of course you do. Drewish princesses are always attracted to money and power. And I have both, and you know it. (as Vespa) No, leave me alone. (mask down voice) No, kiss me. (as Vespa) No, yes, no, yes, yes, no, no, ah, oh, oh, oh, ah, ohh, oh, your helmet is so big.
(Sandurz suddenly opens the door behind him.)
Sandurz: Lord Helmet.
Helmet: (hides the dolls out of Sandurz's sight) What?
Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge, sir.
Helmet: Knock on my door. Knock next time.
Sandurz: Yes, sir.
Helmet: Did you see anything?
Sandurz: No, sir. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
Helmet: Good.
(Planet Spaceball - Spaceball City)
(Skroob's Bathroom)
(Skroob is standing in front of the toilet peeing. His back is to the camera. The Commanderette appears on the wall in front of him.)
Commanderette: President Skroob.
Skroob: (covers crotch) Aaa. I told you never to call me on this wall. This is an unlisted wall.
Commanderette: Sorry, sir, but it's very urgent. Princess Vespa has just been brought to your office, and Lord Helmet and Colonel Sandurz are awaiting you there.
Commanderette: Yes, sir. (salutes)
(Skroob returns salute. He realizes he uncovered his crouch. He covers it back up. The Commanderette smirks and disappears off the wall. Skroob flushes the toilet and walks out.)
(Skroob's Office)
(Helmet and Sandurz are talking with King Roland who is on the screen. Behind them Vespa is strapped to a table. Dr. Schlotkins, Gretchen, and Arnold stand behind the table.)
Roland: Helmet, you fiend, what's going on? What are you doing to my daughter?
Helmet: (mask down) Permit me to introduce the brilliant, young plastic surgeon, Dr. Philip Schlotkins. The greatest nose-job man in the entire universe and Beverly-Hills.
Schlotkins: Your highness.
Roland: Nose-job? I don't understand. She's already had a nose. It was a sweet- 16 present.
Helmet: No, it's not what you think. It's much, much, worse. If you do not give me the combination to the air shield, Dr. Schlotkins will give your daughter back (holds up picture) her old nose.
Vespa: Nooooooooooooooooooo. Where did you get that?
Roland: All right, I'll tell. I'll tell.
Vespa: No, daddy, no. You mustn't.
Roland: You're right my dear. I'll miss your new nose. But I will not tell them the combination no matter what.
Helmet: Very well. Dr. Schlotkins, do your worst.
Schlotkins: My pleasure.
(The table turns flat, and Vespa faints.)
Roland: No, wait, wait. I'll tell. I'll tell.
Helmet: I knew it would work.
(Helmet and Sandurz go closer to the screen. Sandurz gets out a pad of paper and a pencil so he can write down the combination.)
Helmet: All right, give to me.
Roland: The combination is (hesitates) one.
Helmet: One.
Sandurz: One. (writes)
Roland: Two.
Helmet: Two.
Sandurz: Two. (writes)
Roland: Three.
Helmet: Three.
Sandurz: Three (writes)
Roland: Four.
Helmet: Four.
Sandurz: Four. (writes)
Roland: (hesitates) Five.
Helmet: Five.
Sandurz: Five. (writes)
Helmet: So the combination is one, two, three, four, five. (lifts mask) That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life. That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage.
Sandurz: Thank you, your highness.
(Sandurz takes a remote control out of his pocket, points it at the screen, and hits a button. The screen goes blank. Instead of turning off the wall, he's turned off the movie.)
Helmet: What'd you do?
Sandurz: I turned off the wall.
Helmet: No you didn't. You turned off the whole movie.
Sandurz: Well I must have pressed the wrong button.
Helmet: Well, turn it back on. Put the movie back on.
Sandurz: Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
(The screen comes back on. Helmet and Sandurz are standing in front. Schlotkins is kissing on Gretchen's chest. She is making sensual noises.)
Helmet: We gotta get that thing fixed. We're back, and we have the combination. Schlotkins?
Schlotkins: (turns around) What?
(Gretchen zips up her dress.)
Helmet: We're done with you. Go back to the golf course and work on your puts.
Schlotkins: Let's go Arnold. Come Gretchen. Of course, you know, I'll still have to bill you for this.
(Schlotkins, Arnold, and Gretchen all head for the door. Gretchen gives Helmet and Sandurz a sultry look before she leaves.)
Helmet: I bet she gives great helmet.
(Skroob walks in.).
Skroob: Well, did it work? Where's the king?
Helmet: It worked, sir. We have the combination.
Skroob: Great. Now we can take every last breath fresh air from planet Druidia. What's the combination?
Sandurz: One, two, three, four, five.
Skroob: One, two, three, four, five? That's amazing. I've got the same combination on my luggage. (Helmet and Sandurz share a look.) Prepare Spaceball 1 for immediate departure.
Sandurz: Yes, sir.
(They all start walking out the door.)
Skroob: And change the combination on my luggage.
(As Helmet walks through the door it closes on him.)
Helmet: Aaaaaa.
(Eagle 5)
(Lone Star and Barf are approaching Spaceball City.)
Barf: There it is. Spaceball City straight ahead.
Lone Star: Good. I'm takin' her in.
(Spaceball City - Prison Ball)
(Eagle 5 lands. It's a No Parking Zone. There are two guards standing at the door. Guard 1 is skinny, and Guard 2 is kind of chubby.)
Guard 1: What the hell is that thing?
Guard 2: It looks like a Winnebago with wings.
Guard 1: Gees. Hey you can't park here.
Guard 2: Yeah, can't you guys read: No parking.
(Barf opens the door and flicks them off. He then goes back inside the ship.)
Guard 1: That son of a.... (cocks gun)
(The guards follow Barf through the door.)
Guard 1: All right, hands up. You're under arrest for illegal parking.
Guard 2: Yeah.
(They walk in, and suddenly the Eagle 5 begins rocking back and forth. The guards start shouting. Pause. Lone Star and Barf come out in the guards uniforms. Barf's tail is sticking out the back of the pants. They walk up to the Prison door, and Lone Star unlocks it with the key from the uniform.)
(Prison Ball - Hallway)
(Lone Star and Barf walk down the hall. They notice another guard walking towards them. They stand against the wall like they are on guard, and the other guard walks right past them. Lone Star and Barf continue on their way. The other guard pauses and looks back at them and spots Barf's tail. He looks forward again.)
Guard: Nah.
(Prison Ball - Royal Prisons)
(Lone Star and Barf notice a sign that says 'Royal Prisoners Only. Maximum Security'.)
Lone Star: She's gotta be in one of these cells.
Barf: Yeah, but which one.
(They search in each door. They open the eye hole on each door they look through.)
Barf: No.
Lone Star: No.
Vespa: (os) (singing in a very deep voice) Nobody knows....
Lone Star: It's coming from there.
Barf: That can't be her.
(They walk towards the cell where the singing is coming from.)
Vespa: (os) ...the trouble I've seen.
(Lone Star opens the eye hole and looks in. He sees Vespa and Dot inside.)
Vespa: Nobody knows but Jesus.
Lone Star: It's her.
(Barf looks in.)
Vespa: Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.
Barf: She's a bass.
Vespa: Glory hallelujah.
(Lone Star opens the door. He and Barf walk in. The door closes on Barf's tail.)
Barf: Hieee.
Vespa: What do you what?
(Dot wakes up.)
Lone Star: (takes off helmet) It's me.
Barf: (takes off helmet) It's us.
Vespa: Lone Star. How'd you find us?
Lone Star: No time to talk. C'mon.
Barf: We gotta move.
Dot: Barf. How'd you do it?
(They all leave the cell. They sneak down the halls. They then try to make a break for the front door.)
Guard 1: (os) Freeze!
(The two guards from earlier are now standing in the hall in their underwear, pointing their guns at our hero's.)
Guard 1: Those are the guys that stole our uniforms. (cocks gun)
Guard 2: And beat the shit out of us, too. (cocks gun)
(Lone Star cocks his gun. He fires it at the guards. The guards run off. Laser blasts come from another hall.)
Lone Star: Uh-oh, we got company.
(Lone Star kneels down and crawls over to the opposite wall. Vespa, Barf, and Dot follow. Lone Star and Barf fire at the troopers that are firing at them.)
Barf: Dammit. That's our only way out.
Vespa: We're trapped!
Dot: Oh, I hate these movies.
(Lone Star and Barf keep firing at the troopers. Suddenly Barf throws his gun down.)
Barf: I'm outta ammo.
Lone Star: Get back. I'll hold 'em off.
(Lone Star holds a one on one fight with the guards.)
Barf: I got an idea.
(Barf walks over to a quad-pipe loop. Lone Star stops firing and stands up.)
Lone Star: What are you doing?
(Barf starts to pull out the pipes.)
Dot: What's he doing?
(Barf pulls out half of the pipes. He takes it to the hallway where the firing is coming from. He faces the openings to the guards. The guards continue firing. The shots go into the pipes. They enter the top and exit the bottom. All the shots hit each of the guards.)
Lone Star: Good work.
(Laser blasts come out of another hall.)
Lone Star: Uh-oh, more ping-pongs. Run for it.
Barf: Let's go.
(They all take off running down the hall. Vespa spots that the door is closing on them.)
Vespa: It's closing. The door is closing.
Lone Star: Go for the door.
(They all manage to jump through the door before it closes completely.)
(Control Room)
(Spaceballs come in through another door. Our hero's get up with their backs to the camera.)
Spaceball: Don't move, or you're dead! Stand up! Captain, we've got them!
(The Captain enters the room.)
Captain: Spectacular stunt, my friends, but all for not. Turn around please.
(Lone Star, Barf, Vespa, and Dot turn around. Only it's not them. It's they're stunt doubles.)
Captain: Ha. What a pity. What a pity. So, Princess, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of....
(The Captain stares at the Vespa double with his mouth open. Vespa's double is a man with a cigar in his mouth.)
Captain: You idiots! These are not them. You've captured their stunt doubles! Search the area. Find them! Find them!
(Prison Ball - Outside)
(The real Lone Star, Barf, Vespa, and Dot come running out of the Prison Ball. Lone Star is still firing at the Spaceballs that are following them. A laser blast hits the lock on the Eagle 5 door. Barf runs over to that particular door and tries to open it.)
Vespa: Open the door.
Barf: I can't. It's fused.
Vespa: Well, what about this one? (pulls on another door)
Barf: It's locked.
Vespa: Well, where are the keys?
Barf: Inside.
Vespa: Oh, great!
Lone Star: Duck!
(They all plaster themselves against the Eagle 5. Lone Star runs over towards the door to the Eagle 5. He hands his gun to Vespa.)
Lone Star: Here, you hold 'em off. I'll get the door.
Vespa: I ain't shootin' this thing. I hate guns. (she holds it away from her with the tip of her fingers.)
(A Spaceball fires at her and hits her hair.)
Dot: Ah!
Vespa: My hair. He shot my hair. Son of a bitch. (cocks gun)
(Vespa walks towards the guards and begins firing. She hits every single one of them. Lone Star and Barf look on in awe.)
Barf: Holy shit!
Vespa: (blows the barrel) How was that?
Lone Star: Not bad.
Barf: Not bad for a girl.
Dot: Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo.
Vespa: Let's blow this joint.
(Spaceball 1)
(Skroob is running down the hallway towards the Command Deck.)
(Command Deck)
Spaceball: (os) President Skroob. Salute.
All: Hail Skroob. (salute)
Skroob: (stops running) The ship is too big. If I walk, the movie would be over.
Sandurz: Sir?
Skroob: Yes, uuh. (He looks over at Helmet and sees that Helmet's mask is down.) Never have that damn thing down in front of me. How do I know you're not making faces at me under there?
(When Skroob turns away Helmet lifts up his mask and makes a face at Skroob.)
Sandurz: President Skroob.
Skroob: Yes.
(As Skroob turns back Helmet stops making faces.)
Sandurz: There it is, Planet Druidia.
Skroob: Ah, Planet Druidia, and ten thousand years of fresh air.
Helmet: (quietly to Sandurz) The way he runs things, it last a hundred.
Skroob: What?
(Helmet smiles and shrugs.)
Sandurz: We're beginning metamorphosis, sir.
Skroob: Good. Get on with it.
Helmet: Ready, Kafka?
(Eagle 5)
(Our gang is now in orbit of Druidia. Lone Star is driving.)
Lone Star: Look. It's Spaceball 1. They've reached the air shield.
Dot: And it's opening.
Barf: How they gonna get the air out? I don't see any hoses or anything.
(Spaceball 1 begins to move and change forms.)
Vespa: (os) What's happening? The ship it's changing.
(Spaceball 1 continues to change.)
Barf: Oh my gosh. It's not just a spaceship. It's a transformer.
(The final phases of the transformation take place.)
Dot: (os) It's changing into....
Barf: (os) …a gigantic…
(Spaceball 1 has completed it's transformation. It is now a giant Maid with a vacuum cleaner. She looks much like the Statue of Liberty.)
Vespa: (os) …maid.
Lone Star: (os) With a vacuum cleaner.
Barf: (os) So that's how they're gonna to get the air out.
(Spaceball 1- AKA Mega Maid)
Sandurz: Metamorphoses is completed, sir. Spaceball 1 has now become…
(Drum fanfair plays.)
Sandurz: …Mega Maid.
Helmet: Good.
Skroob: Remarkable.
Helmet: Now, commence Operation: Vacu-suck.
(The vacuum cleaner is turned ON. The air begins to be sucked out of the air shield that covers Planet Druidia.)
(Druidia)
(Snow is sucked off a mountain. Trees are pulled out of the ground.)
(Mega Maid - Control Center)
Helmet, Sandurz, and Skroob: Suck. Suck. Suck.
(Druidia - Palace)
(Roland sits at his desk gazing at a picture of Vespa. He begins to have trouble breathing.)
Roland: Goodbye, little Vespa. My little baby, Vespa. (faints)
(Eagle 5)
Vespa: The air bag, it's almost full.
Lone Star: We've gotta act fast. Step 1, we reverse the vacuum and blow the air back on the planet. Step 2, we destroy that thing.
Vespa: But isn't that dangerous?
Lone Star: Extremely, plus, I don't know how the hell we're gonna do it.
Barf: What about that ring Yogurt gave you?
Lone Star: Oh yeah.
(Lone Star pulls the Schwartz ring out of his pocket.)
Lone Star: But....
Barf: C'mon, boss, give it a shot.
Lone Star: Okay. Here goes nothing.
(Lone Star puts on the ring and then points it at Mega Maid's control switch.)
(Mega Maid - Control Switch)
(The control switch begins to glow with the power of the Schwartz. Then it begins to move towards the REVERSE option.)
Vespa: (os) Look at that. Wow.
Barf: (os) It....it's working.
Vespa: (os) C'mon Schwartz.
Barf, Vespa, & Dot: (os) C'mon Schwartz. C'mon Schwartz. C'mon Schwartz.
(The switch flips over to the reverse option. The vacuum starts blowing air back on the planet.)
(Mega Maid - Control Room)
Skroob: Helmet, what's going on?
Helmet: Sandurz, what's going on?
Sandurz: It's Mega Maid. She gone from suck to blow.
(Skroob and Helmet react to this.)
Skroob: What? They're getting all their air back. (to Helmet) Do something!
Helmet: (to Sandurz) Do something!
Sandurz: (into intercom) Do something!
(Druidia)
(The snow is dumped back onto the mountain. The trees are re-planted.)
(Palace)
(Roland wakes up.)
Roland: I'm breathing. Air. Air!
(Mega Maid)
(Eagle 5 flies towards the head. It enters the ear canal.)
(Eagle 5)
Lone Star: Dim the lights.
Barf: Dimming the lights. (hits a switch)
(The lights get dim.)
Lone Star: Go to inferred.
Barf: Going to inferred. (turns a knob)
(They go to inferred.)
Lone Star: Pray to God.
Barf: Praying to God.
(The monitor shows a layout of the ear canal. It shows how the Eagle 5 is maneuvering through the canal. Lone Star flips a switch and turns on the scanner.)
Dot: Careful. Careful.
Barf: What are you doin'?
Lone Star: Scanning. There's gotta be a self-destruct mechanism somewhere in the central brain area.
(The scanner scans.)
Lone Star: I think we just found it.
Vespa: Where?
Lone Star: Watch.
(Lone Star hits a switch. The monitor shows a red flashing button.)
Lone Star: Bingo. There it is. It's right below us. Put her in hover, Barf.
Barf: Putting her hover.
Lone Star: I'm goin' down there. (walks toward the door)
Barf: He's goin' down there. I wouldn't.
(Ear Canal)
(Lone Star climbs down the ladder of the Eagle 5. He walks over to the emergency exit door. He opens the door and closes it behind him. The Silent Emergency alarm goes off.)
(Self - Destruct Door)
(A guard is standing watch. Lone Star sneaks up behind him and tries to take him down by using the Vulcan Neck Pinch. The guard doesn't react to it.)
Guard: What the hell are you doin'?
Lone Star: The Vulcan Neck Pinch.
Guard: No, no, stupid, you've got it much too high. It's down here where the shoulder meets the neck.
(Lone Star changes his hand position.)
Lone Star: Like this?
Guard: Yeah. (falls down unconscious)
Lone Star: Thanks.
(Lone Star takes the key from the guards belt. He uses it to open the panel door. The panel door opens to show an outline of a hand.)
Computer: Hand print identification, please. Hand print identification, please.
(The computer keeps repeating while Lone Star takes the glove off the hand of the Guard. He then takes the hand and places it on the out line. The computer stops and scans the hand. The door next to the panel opens.)
Lone Star: Thanks again. (knocks on Guard's helmet)
(Lone Star walks through the door.)
(Self - Destruct Room)
(Lone Star walks in and spots the green laser bars guarding the self - destruct button.)
Guard: Is that you Mila?
(Lone Star turns and spots the man who's shaving. He points the Schwartz ring at a can of Spaceballs - The Shaving Cream. It begins to levitate towards him. The Guard notices and spots Lone Star just as he catches the can.)
Guard: Who are you? What are you doing with that?
Lone Star: This.
(Lone Star sprays the shaving cream in the Guards eyes. The Guard begins to yell and so Lone Star sprays the shaving cream into his mouth. The Guard passes out.)
Lone Star: Sweat dreams.
(Lone Star takes the guard's key and inserts it into a panel. He then moves a switch which makes the green laser bars disappear. Lone Star walks over to the Self-Destruct Button. It says: DO NOT PUSH UNLESS YOU REALLY, REALLY MEAN IT. He reaches down to press the button.)
Helmet: (mask down) Not so fast, Lone Star. (walks in)
Lone Star: Helmet. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time. (thinks about what he said) Yeah.
Helmet: Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Lone Star.
Lone Star: What?
Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former room-mate.
Lone Star: What's that make us?
Helmet: Absolutely nothing. Which is what you are about to become. Prepare to die.
(Helmet puts on his Schwartz ring. He lowers his hand until it's right in front of his crotch. A green light beam, similar to a light saber, appears. Lone Star does the same.)
Helmet: You have the ring. And I see your Schwartz is as big as mine.
(Both look down at their beams.)
Helmet: Now let's see how well you handle it.
(Helmet walks over to Lone Star and they begin to fight. They swipe at each other with their beams. Helmet pulls back a little too far and accidentally kills one of the stage crew. He screams and falls off a ledge. Lone Star and Helmet pause in their fight.)
Helmet: Ummm, he did it.
Lone Star: What?
(Lone Star lunges at Helmet, but Helmet blocks. They begin fighting again. They continually swipe at each other. Suddenly their Schwartz beams get twisted together.)
Helmet: Shit. I hate it when I get my Schwartz twisted. Okay, maybe if my put leg up on yours we can split apart.
(Helmet braces his foot on Lone Star's leg.)
Helmet: Good, yeah. On three; one, two, three, go.
(They pull away from each other and their beams separate and disappear. Helmet looks up at Lone Star and then draws out his beam. He point it at Lone Star, who does the same. They circle around each other with just the ends of the beams touching. Helmet loses his beam and Lone Star swings at his helmet. He misses. He tries again, and misses again. Helmet raises his mask and laughs at Lone Star. Lone Star retracts his beam and punches Helmet in the face. Helmets mask falls down, and he draws out his beam and charges at Lone Star. Lone Star holds him back with his hand on the top of Helmet's helmet. Helmet continues to take several swipes at Lone Star. Finally Lone Star lets him go, and Helmet runs head first into a locker.)
Helmet: So, Lone Star, Yogurt has taught you well. If there is one thing I despise, it is a fair fight. But if I must than I must. May the best man win. Put 'er there. (offers to shake his hand)
(Lone Star goes to shake his hand and Helmet takes the ring off Lone Star's hand.)
Helmet: The ring. I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book. What a goof. What's with you man? Come on. You know what? No, here let me give it back to you. (offers the ring back)
(Lone Star goes to take the ring back, but Helmet drops it in a grate and the rings falls through. Lone Star tries unsuccessfully to catch the ring, but he's too late.)
Helmet: Oh, look. You fell for that, too. I can't believe it man.
(Lone Star gets up and goes over to a corner.)
Helmet: So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.
(Helmet shots a green beam at Lone Star, but Lone Star ducks. Helmet tries again, and Lone Star ducks again. And again. Lone Star backs into another corner.)
Helmet: Very impressive, Lone Star. Too bad this isn't the Wide World of Sports.
Yogurt's Voice: (os) Use the Schwartz, Lone Star. Use the Schwartz.
Lone Star: I can't. I lost the ring.
Yogurt's Voice: (os) Forget the ring. The ring is bumpkin. I found it in a Cracker Jack box. The Schwartz is in you, Lone Star. It's in you.
Lone Star: All right. I'll try.
Helmet: Say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago.
(Lone Star points his hand at a mirror that's on a shelf. It begins to levitate towards him. Helmet fires another shot at Lone Star, but Lone Star uses the mirror to deflect it. It hits Helmet it and he falls back into the Self-Destruct button, and activates it.)
Computer: Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button. This ship will self-destruct in three minutes.
(Lone Star runs out of the room)
(Command Deck)
(Red lights start flashing. Skroob and Sandurz react with panic.)
Skroob: What's going on? Where the hell are we, Paris?
Computer: Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button. This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes and forty-five seconds.
Skroob: You've got to stop it. Is there any to stop it?
Sandurz: I can't. It's irreversible.
Skroob: Like my raincoat.
Sandurz: (into intercom) Attention. This is Colonel Sandurz in forward command. Abandon ship. Abandon ship.
(Everyone on the ship starts freaking out.)
Sandurz: (into intercom) All personnel, proceed to escape pods. Close down the circus. Evacuate the zoo. Self-destruct mechanism has been activated. Abandon ship.
Skroob: Sandurz, Sandurz, you've got to help me. I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions. I'm the president.
Computer: This is your two minute warning. This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes.
Sandurz: Launch all escape pods as soon as they are filled.
(Eagle 5)
Vespa: What's happening? Where is he? Where is he?
Lone Star: (walks in) Here. We've got a minute and forty before the end of the world. Hang on.
(Mega Maid - Ear Canal)
(Two Spaceballs come out of the emergency door with guns. They get under the Eagle 5 and start firing at it.)
(Eagle 5)
Lone Star: Full throttle.
Barf: Full throttle. (pulls on throttle)
Lone Star: Go to Hyper-jets.
Barf: Going to Hyper-jets. (pulls on lever)
(Everyone is pushed back into their seats because of the sudden burst of speed as the Eagle 5 takes off.)
(Command Deck)
(Sandurz and Skroob are looking for an escape pod. Sandurz climbs the ladder and looks in the first escape pod. He moves on to the next one. Skroob follows him. He looks into the first pod.)
Skroob: Hey, get outta there. Where do you think you're going?
Pizza Dude: Pizza to go. (laughs)
(The Pizza Dude pulls the lever and the door closes. The pod takes off. Helmet climbs up the ladder and makes to get into a pod. He reaches the pod at the same time as the bearded lady does.)
Helmet: Hey, hey, that's my escape pod. Who are you?
Bearded Lady: I'm the bearded lady. What are you? One of the freaks?
(The Bearded lady bumps Helmet out of the way. She climbs into the pod and takes off. Helmet looks in the window of the door.)
Helmet: No. Come back you fat, bearded, bitch.
(While Skroob, Sandurz, and Helmet are occupied a bear climbs into the last pod.)
Skroob: One pod left, and three of us, and I'm the president. Well boys it's a very lovely ship. I think you should go down with it. Good-bye.
(Skroob gets into the pod and sits on the bear. He tries to buckle his seatbelt, only he's using the claws of the bear. He turns and sees the bear and jumps up. The bear chases him out of the pod, and then closes the door and takes off.)
Computer: This ship will self destruct in twenty seconds. This is your last chance to push the cancellation button.
Skroob: Cancellation button? Hurry.
(They all slide down a ladder. They run to the center of the ship.)
Helmet: Where is it? Where is it?
Sandurz: It's gotta be here.
(Sandurz opens the panel that holds the self-destruct cancellation button. It has a sign on it that says: OUT OF ORDER.)
Sandurz: Out of order?
Helmet: Fuck. Even in the future nothing works.
Computer: This ship will self-destruct in exactly ten seconds.
(The guys all huddle up together.)
Computer: Counting down. Ten, nine, eight, six....
Skroob: Six? What happened to seven?
Computer: Just kidding.
(The guys huddle closer together.)
(Eagle 5 - Ear Canal)
(The Eagle 5 is almost out of Mega Maid.)
Vespa: There's the other end. Faster.
Computer: Seven, six, five...
(Command Deck)
Computer: …four, three, two, one. Have a nice day.
Skroob, Sandurz, & Helmet: Thank you.
(Eagle 5)
(Our gang comes flying out of Mega Maid's ear, just before she explodes.)
Vespa: (os) We did it!
(Vespa hugs Barf, while Dot dances. Lone Star cheers. Vespa turns and hugs Lone Star. They start to kiss but they stop.)
Lone Star: We all did it.
(Planet Druidia)
(Eagle 5)
(Lone Star and Barf are watching the news.)
Reporter: …so I guess you might call that a case of man bites druid. (laughs) On a sadder note, Pizza the Hut, famed half-man, half-pizza was found dead earlier today in the back seat of his stretched limo. Evidently, the notorious gangster became locked in his car, and ate himself to death. Coming up, Pongo's review of Rocky five-thousand. Pongo.
Barf: (Laughs and turns off TV) Did you here that? Pizza kicked the bucket. Now we don't have to pay him the million. We can keep it for ourselves.
Lone Star: Yeah.
(Palace)
(Eagle 5 circles around the palace and then lands.)
(Throne Room)
(The foot man opens the door and our gang walks in. Vespa runs to her father.)
Vespa: Daddy. (hugs Roland) Oh, daddy.
Roland: Vespa, my darling. I thought I'd never see you again. Oh, my sweet little daughter. I'm so happy that home and safe. And little Vespa, here's someone else who's happy to see you.
(Roland steps aside to reveal Prince Valium asleep in a chair. A man hits him and he wakes up.)
Valium: Oh, hello. (yawns) Where've you been?
(Later)
(Shot of Eagle 5 flying off into space.)
(Space Diner)
(Eagle 5 has landed in the parking lot. In the Diner a waitress is talking to the cashier. The cashier gives her something.)
Waitress: Thanks, hon.
(Lone Star and Barf walk in, and go over to sit at the counter. The waitress walks over to them and gives them glasses of water.)
Waitress: (to Barf) Hi, big stuff. (to Lone Star) Hi, dream. (to both) What'll you have?
Lone Star: We've just got a few minutes while were gasin' up. What's ready?
Waitress: I can give the Space Soup or the Space Special.
Lone Star: Um, I'll have the soup.
Waitress: Okay. (writes the order)
Barf: I'll have the cleavage, ur, the special.
Waitress: Okay, I have one special and one soup.
(Another waitress comes up behind them to wait on a table. Barf's tail is wagging back and forth and it goes up the waitress's skirt.)
Waitress 2: You ready to order?
Guy: Hi, yes. We'll both have the luna fish.
Waitress 2: Okay, anything to drink? (turns around) Hey, hey, watch you're stickin' that thing.
Barf: (turns around) Huh? Oh, look, it's got a mind of it's own, sweetheart. I can't do a thing with it. (laughs)
(The waitress rolls her eyes and walks over to another table. Barf howls like a dog, and Lone Star smacks him.)
Barf: What?
(Another group of people are sitting at the opposite end of the bar. One of them, a guy, is telling a story. Another one, John Hurt (from Alien) is eating.)
Guy: We were lost. None of us knew where we were. And then Harry began feelin' around on all the trees. And then he says, I got it, we on Pluto. And we said, Harry how can you tell? He said, from the bark you dummies. (laughs) From the bark. (laughs)
(John begins to choke on his food. He grabs his stomach.)
Woman: Is he all right?
Guy: Yeah, this guy digs me.
(John spits out his food. The others lie him down on the bar. Lone Star and Barf watch what's going on.)
Woman: Bring some water.
Guy: Water my ass. Bring this guy some Pepto Bismol.
Barf: Waitress! Waitress, what did order?
(The waitress comes over and looks at John.)
Waitress: (to Barf) Oh, he had the special.
Barf: The spec....That's what I ordered. Change my order to the soup.
(The waitress nods and walks off.)
Lone Star: Good move.
(An alien is trying to get out of John's stomach. It eventually comes out. It looks around and growls. John leans up and looks at it.)
John: Oh, no. Not again.
(The alien jumps out of John's stomach onto Spaceballs-the Placemat. Some people scream. The alien growls again. Then, it puts on a little hat and starts to dance down the bar.)
Alien: Hello, my baby. Hello my honey. Hello my rag-time gal. Sonny my pitched my wild. Baby my heart's on fire. (The alien dances past Barf and Lone Star who jump back.) If you refuse me, honey, you lose me, then you'll be left alone. Oh baby, telephone and tell I'm your own.
(The alien goes through some doors in the wall. Lone Star and Barf stand up.)
Both: Check please!
(Planet Druidia)
(Church - Day)
(The sign says: TODAY, THE ROYAL WEDDING OF PRINCESS VESPA TO PRINCE VALIUM, TAKE TWO.)
(Church - Inside)
(Vespa and Roland are standing side by side. Dot is behind Vespa. The Usher walks in.)
Usher: Five minutes to magic time.
Roland: Are you all right, my dear. You look a little flighty.
Vespa: Don't worry about me, Father. I'm completely over him. Ha, didn't even stay for the wedding. Just grabbed his million spacebucks and ran.
Roland: He didn't take the million.
Vespa: He didn't?
Roland: No. He just took two hundred and forty-eight spacebucks for lunch, gas, and tolls.
(Eagle 5)
Barf: I still can't believe you turned down the money. At least we could've stayed for the wedding feast. I'm starvin'. Have you got anything to eat?
Lone Star: Nah. Oh, wait. Yogurt gave me that fortune cookie. (gets the cookie out of his pocket) Here, chow down. (hands it to Barf)
Barf: (takes it) Wow, thanks. I'll split it with ya.
Lone Star: No.
Barf: Okay.
(Barf opens the cookie and a stream of gold comes out and flies over them. Both Lone Star and Barf are surprised. The stream stops and turns into Yogurt. He hovers above them.)
Lone Star & Barf: Yogurt.
Yogurt: Hello, boys. Well, you opened your fortune cookie, so here's your fortune. Lone Star, you know that medallion that you wear around your neck, but you don't know what it means?
(Lone Star takes the medallion out from under his shirt.)
Yogurt: Well, here's what it means: it's a royal birth certificate. Yes. Your father was a king. Your mother was a queen. Which makes you a certified prince.
Lone Star: Hey, I'm a prince. I'm a prince. Which means....
Yogurt: Which means, if you hurry, there could be a princess in your future. Now, if you want to get back there before she marries Sleeping Beauty, there's and special can of fuel in your glove compartment. Good luck, boys.
Barf: Bye, Yogurt.
Lone Star: And, Yogurt, thanks.
Yogurt: You're welcome. And my the Schwartz be with you..... (starts to fade away) .....oh...oh....what a world, what a world. (completely fades out)
Lone Star: Barf, open that glove compartment.
Barf: You got it (pause) your highness.
(Barf opens the glove box and pulls out a can of Liquid Schwartz.)
Barf: Wow, Liquid Schwartz.
Lone Star: Quick, pour it in the emergency tank.
Barf: Right.
(Barf opens the emergency tank lid in the floor and pours the Liquid Schwartz into the tank. The tank begins to glow.)
Lone Star: Look at that.
Barf: Done.
(Barf closes the tank lid and sits up.)
Lone Star: Hang on, Barfo, we're gonna make space-tracks.(turns the wheel shapely)
(Outside shot of the Eagle 5 making a sharp turn and leaving space tracks.)
(Mega Maid's Head)
(Shot of the Head flying into the orbit of a planet. Skroob, Sandurz, and Helmet are screaming.)
(Planet of the Apes- Beach)
(The head falls and crashes into the sand of a beach. It looks much like the ending of Planet of the Apes with the Statue of Liberty. Two apes ride toward the head on horses. The stop as they see something.)
Ape 1: Dear me, what are those things coming out of her nose?
(Ape 2 looks through his binoculars. He sees Sandurz standing on the ground. Helmet is climbing down the rope, followed by Skroob. Skroob steps on Helmet's helmet.)
Helmet: Hey, hey, watch my helmet.
Ape 2: Spaceballs?
Ape 1: Oh shit, there goes the planet.
(Planet Druidia - Church)
(The Vespa and Valium are at the alter. The minister is conducting the ceremony.)
Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together (pause) again....
Vespa: (to Roland) Why didn't you tell he didn't take the money?
Roland: I didn't think it was important.
Minister: May I continue, please?
Roland: Besides, he asked me not to tell you.
Minister: Thank you. (continues) To join Princess Vespa and Princess Valium. I'm sorry, it's the hair.Prince Valium in the bonds of holy matrimony.
Vespa: I see it all now. Don't you see he loves me?
Minister: Excuse me, I'm trying to conduct a wedding here which has nothing to do with love. Please be quiet.
Vespa: I'm sorry.
Roland: I'm sorry.
Valium: I'm sorry, too.
Minister: Don't be sorry, be quiet.
All: I'm sorry!
Minister: ...to join Princess Vespa and Prince Valium in the bonds of holy....
(The sound of the Eagle 5 flying overhead can be heard. It's quite loud.)
Minister: ...moly.
(The audience gasps.)
Minister: (irritated) Matrimony.
Vespa: That's him. I know it's him. He's come back.
Minister: That's it. We're gonna take no more chances and to do it with the short version. (faster) Do you Prince Valium take Princess Vespa to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Valium: (yawns) Uh-huh.
Minister: (fast) Princess Vespa, do you take Prince Valium to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Vespa: Uh....well....I suppose. Oh, I don't know.
(Lone Star and Barf walk into the chapel. Lone Star is dressed in white princely clothing.)
Lone Star: No, she doesn't.
Minister: What?
(Everyone reacts with shock. Lone Star and Barf walk down the aisle. Lone Star stops halfway to the alter.)
Minister: Who the hell are you?
Lone Star: Prince Lone Star.
Vespa: Prince?
Lone Star: I just found out. That's what this says. I'm an honest to God prince. Will you marry me?
Vespa: Well, let me think about it. (pushes Valium out of the way) Yes.
(Lone Star walks up to the alter.)
Minister: I'm sick of this. I don't give a damn who it is, but I'm gonna marry somebody today. (to Barf) Who are you?
Barf: I'm the best man.
Minister: What's you name?
Barf: Barf.
Minister: Your full-name.
Barf: Barfolomew.
Minister: Are the one getting married?
Barf: No.
Minister: Then get over there.
(Barf quickly moves to the left side of the alter.)
Minister: Okay. Here we go, the short-short version. (to Lone Starr) Do you?
Lone Star: Yes.
Minister: (to Vespa) Do you?
Vespa: Yes.
Minister: Good. You're married. Kiss her.
Lone Star: I love you.
Vespa: I love you.
(They kiss. The audience applauds, and Barf starts to cry.)
Dot: Well, (sniff) good-bye Virgin Alarm.
(Space)
(Eagle 5 takes off into space. It has JUST MARRIED written on the back. The jets leave a stream of gold glitter behind. The glitter forms the words: MAY THE SCHWARTZ BE WITH YOU.)
(THE END)