Monday, August 8, 2011

LAWS FLOORED BY MYSTERY PUNCH

Laws: One hit wonder

CONTROVERSIAL ex-Whanganui mayor, talkback shit stirrer and celebrity bigot Michael Laws has been king hit by a mystery assailant in the back of a pub in the small North Island town. Local police are now at a loss as to who could have been responsible for landing the punch on the caustic columnist, who "squealed like a pig" according to witnesses.

Rabid Fire was informed by investigating officer Senior Sergeant Rangi Tupai that the case could be one of the most difficult to solve for Whanganui police in recent years.

"The problem is that there are so many potential suspects, not only here in Whanganui but throughout the whole country," Tupai informed our reporter, "At the scene Mr. Laws insisted it must have been local Maori, despite the fact that the one thing we do know is that the assailant was Pakeha. In fact, Mr. Laws was found by police in a hysterical state and would not stop ranting about Maori radicals and the letter H until he was administered near lethal doses of sedatives and anti-psychotics by ambulance staff."

Presently Laws himself is insisting that his puncher "must have been a gang member", something that has also drawn a reluctantly skeptical response from Senior Sergeant Tupai.

"To be perfectly honest there's quite a few gangs in Whanganui and they've had every opportunity to get Mr. Laws for years now. If they were really serious they could have picked him off from a passing car when he was out for a jog on numerous occasions. This does not look like the work of organised crime at this stage."

Senior Sergeant Tupai told Rabid Fire that police are widening their net to investigate every possibility.

"Witnesses to the assault have described a Pakeha male in a hoody, but police are taking the gender of the assailant as being speculative at this stage as Mr. Laws has been assaulted by females in the past and we have this on record," Tupai continued, "We have also asked witnesses if they recall anything unusual about the suspect's motion such as a limp, or if any wheelchairs had been seen in the vicinity of the bar, as Mr. Laws' fractious relationship with the disabled community is a potential line of enquiry."

A tired Senior Sergeant Tupai admitted that the job could be too big for Whanganui police alone.

"There is every possibility that the assailant traveled from outside Whanganui and we are at present co-operating with other police departments trying to track down every minority group Mr. Laws has insulted or slandered in the last 20 years, and have assembled a list of every tragedy he has exploited to scream bloody murder from his bully pulpit in the Sunday Star Times since its inception."

When asked if there were any prime suspects, Senior Sergeant Tupai informed Rabid Fire that, "At the moment we are leaning towards the theory that it was children from the Otaki primary school that Mr. Laws sent an abusive letter to several years ago, all standing on one another's shoulders in some oversized clothes impersonating an adult in a cunning surprise attack."

"If anyone knows anything please step forward and contact Whanganui police so this matter can be resolved quickly and quietly. Then at least the obnoxious little shit might shut up about it," he added.