Erp: Alley, it
that you?!(He looks about the empty room)You
have returned to repent but in your shame you are hiding.I am a magnanimous man, Alley.You may ask for forgiveness.(He
strikes a righteous but patient pose.Five seconds pass.He looks about
doubtfully)

(Tina Tintinnabulation
enters left)

Tina: Reverend
Erp.You have time for saloon girl?Si?

Erp (taking the wrong meaning): I … (grins) … I have time for all of
His children.(pause)Some more than
others.

Tina: You nice
man.All men nice men.Why all men nice to me?

Erp: Heh!Heh!Heh!Heh!

Tina(after glancing about): Where you
wife?We all alone here.

Erp: I know!(pause)You asked about having time, Miss Tintinnabulation.(He
grins)

Tina: Tina.You call me Tina.

Erp: Only … Heh,
heh, heh, heh!…only if you call me … Ebenezer.

Tina: You cute
preacher.Perezoso eyes.Carrumba!

Erp: Before divinity
school, they used to call me … well … Heh, heh, heh!…Wewon’t go into that.

Tina: No, no, no,
no, no!You say what you want!Tina good listener!

Erp: I … wish
only to answer your question.

Tina: What
question that?

Erp: Why, why all
men like you.

Tina: Si.Why they do that?

(Svede Svenson enters
left)

Erp: You are a
ravishingly beautiful woman!

(Tina impulsively
tickles Erp under his chin)

Tina (tickling): Couchie!Couchie!Couchie!

Svede: Yumpin’
Yimminy!

Erp (surprised and embarrassed): Mr.
Svenson!

Tina (pleasantly surprised): Svede!(to
Erp)He fun hombre.

Svede: If I fun
hombre, what you then call him?

Tina: I call hem
Ebenezer.Handsome preacher.Chihuahua!

Svede (after glancing from Erp to Tina and back to
Erp): I tink I better go now.

Erp (striking a knowing pose, with an
authoritarian voice): That is the solution!You must leave the saloon forever and direct
your attentions toward one man only!Forthwith!

(Mrs. Erp enters left)

Tina: Si.Chihuahua!You make Tina so happy!(tickles
him under his chin)Couchie,
couchie, couchie!

Mrs. Erp (aghast): E-ben-e-zer!

Erp(taken aback): Alley, my dear!

Mrs. Erp:
Ebenezer Erp!You … you … you garter
snapper!

Svede: I tink I
better go now.(He exits unobtrusively left)

Tina: I do what
you say!Pronto!(She
blows Erp a kiss and dances out left)

(Mrs. Erp, hands on
hips, glares at Erp)

Erp: This is not
what you think!

(Mrs. Erp taps her
right foot)

Erp: If you don’t
believe me, you may ask Mr. Svenson!(pause)On second thought, you had better not!

Mrs. Erp:
Ebenezer, we have much to talk about!After we are finished, I may still go home to Mother!

Erp: Then I shall
begin!(striking a pose)When you assumed
that I, a righteous man of the cloth, ---

Mrs. Erp (interrupting, sternly): Ebenezer!

Erp: Yes, my dear
woman?

Mrs. Erp: Shut
thy trap!(Erp is silently shocked)That’s
right, Ebenezer!Pipe down!I will do the talking for once!In the other room!You will do the listening!(She
motions toward the right exit)Move!

Erp (heading toward the exit, Alley following):
Well, I never!

(They exit right)

(Rachel Wretcher
enters left.She looks about the empty
room and then at the slip of paper that she is holding)

Rachel: What is
it that Bile Breath wants to talk to me about?(pause)Johnny Garrett, of course.She knows she doesn’t have a chance with me
around!(She smiles and smoothes down her hair and sits)Oh, Rachel, Rachel, Rachel!

Opal: Hannah, my
mother is going to meet me at the general store in thirty minutes!Let’s make this quick!

Rachel (to Opal): Oh?So you can be alone with my daddy’s foreman
again?!

Opal: What’s
wrong with that?!Kurtie’s my beau.At least I don’t go chasin’ after every boy, any
boy in this valley … like some people I know.

Hannah:
Girls!We have important matters to
discuss.Let’s not get personal.

Rachel (to Hannah): You’re doing this just to
get Johnny!

Hannah: Oh, shut
up, hussy!

Opal (after a pause): If this is about that
Johnny Garrett, count me out.I’m
leaving.(She heads toward the left exit)

Hannah:
Wait!It’s not just … Johnny!It’s the shoot-out!

Opal: What
shoot-out?

Hannah: Johnny’s
father … against (to Rachel) your father!

Rachel (after a pause): So?

Hannah: Aren’t
either of you concerned?!

Opal (after a pause): No.I could care less.

Rachel: Me
neither.Daddy never does his own
dirty work.(to Opal)He has “Kurtie” do
it.(She
smiles nastily)

Opal (worried expression): Now I’m concerned!

Hannah (to Rachel): So you should!Do you think Johnny’s going to want you after
your father’s had his father killed?!

Rachel (looking concerned): You’re … right.

Opal: Of course,
Kurtie can outdraw any man in this valley.I know it!(She smiles to reassure herself)

Hannah (after a pause): Can he outdraw Shane?

(Opal’s smile
dissolves to a look of fear)

Hannah: Don’t you
see?We all have got to do
something!We can’t let our men get
killed!

Opal (after a pause, with determination): No,
we can’t!

Rachel(intently): I know what I’ve got
to do!

Opal: So do I!

Hannah (after a pause): What?!

Rachel: I don’t
have a minute to lose!(She heads for the left exit)

Hannah: Where are
you going?

Rachel: No time
to talk.(She exits hurriedly left)

Opal: I’ve got to
go, too!(She heads for the left exit)

Hannah: Where?

Opal: Home!Fast!(She exits left)

Hannah (after a pause, paces): Oh, I hope they
can stop it!Rachel and her father!Opal and hers!Oh, Johnny!Johnny!Johnny!If we are to be man and wife, I must not let
your pa die!(Pause)Now to tell
Father!(She exits right)

Scene Four

(The Garrett
kitchen.Marian Garrett is stirring
something in a pot.Grandma Garrett
enters right)

Grandma: Well,
dearie.Tonight’s the big night, isn’t
it?

Marian (smiling): Oh yes.At seven o’clock guns will blaze!

Grandma (after a pause, looking inside the pot):
What are you mixing, girl?

Marian: Flannel
cake batter.When Joe comes back after
all that shooting, he’s going to be hungry.

Grandma: And if
that clumsy klutz don’t come back?

Marian: Shane
will eat them!Oh, Shane, Shane,
Shane!(She twirls about like a school girl)

Grandma (shaking her cane at Marian): You call
me that again and you won’t have any toes!

Marian (after a pause): But … if Joe doesn’t come
back …

Grandma: It’ll
serve the dummy right!

Marian: Shane
will marry me!

Grandma: Don’t
count on it, dearie!You and me may have
our own shoot-out!

Marian: Grandma
Garrett!(shakes her head in disbelief)A
mother and daughter-in-law shouldn’t quarrel.If you’re so upset, find someone else to take your anger out on.

Johnny Garrett enters
right)

Johnny: Hello,
Ma.Hello, Grannie.(looks
closely at her face)Is that a new
wrinkle I see?

Grandma: Don’t
you “Grannie” me, you ferret-faced fool!(She jams the end of her cane onto
one of Johnny’s shoes.He reacts in
pain, hobbling around the room.After a
pause, smiling at Marian) You’re right, dearie.I feel much better now.(She
exits, pleased, left)

Johnny: Ma, why
doesn’t Grannie like me?

Marian: Because
you’re a Garrett.

Johnny: But … but
she’s a Garrett, too.

Marian: No, she married
a Garrett.She’s been mad ever since.

Johnny (after a pause): I don’t
understand.There’s so much I don’t
understand!

Marian: That’s
because you’re the last of the male Garretts, which have been going downhill
like a runaway wagon!

Johnny: Like …
girls, Ma!I don’t know anything about
them!

Marian: Go ask
your father.

Johnny: I did,
but he just said something about birds and bees, and I wasn’t interested about
that.

Marian: Oh, all
right.Who is it you’re sweet on, Opal
Stone?

Johnny: Oh, I
like Opal all right, but she doesn’t like me and for the life of me I cannot
figure out why!

Marian (nodding her head knowingly): Smart
girl!

Johnny (preoccupied): Huh?

Marian: Nothing.

Johnny (after a pause): Anyway, I’m not worried
about Opal.I’m worried about Hannah,
who no longer has bad breath and likes Spin-the-Bottle, and Rachel Wretcher,
who carries a bottle around with her and likes Spin-the-Bottle a lot!

Marian: So what’s
the problem?You afraid of germs?

Johnny: No.Who to choose?I’m so bad making choices.

Marian: I have a
feeling they’ll work that out between them.

Johnny: Oh,
good!Then I have nothing to worry
about.(He gives a dumb smile)

(Marian goes back to
stirring the contents of the pot)

Johnny (face changing to a confused look): …
Except …

Marian (wearily): Now what?

Johnny: When
Rachel was leaving at the end of my birthday party, … she whispered to me
something about playing post office.(pause)What’s that?!