Star Trek V: The Funny Frontier

Written by Jason Gaston

Author’s Note: Although it will be painful, it is recommended that one watch Star Trek V: The Final Frontier before reading this parody.

On Numbbutts III: The Planet of Galactic Merchandising, a lone figure, Jethroe, is drilling for oil. He looks up and sees Sybok on a horse approaching. Scared, he grabs his cap gun and prepares to defend himself.

Sybok: I thought weapons were forbidden on this planet. Besides, I don’t think you’d kill me for a field of empty holes.

Jethroe: Uh... what other kind of holes are there besides empty?

Sybok: Look, let’s cut to the chase, ugly. Each man holds a separate pain. What is yours?

Jethroe: You are standing on my foot.

Sybok: Oopsie! Sorry ’bout that!

Jethroe: (enchanted) It’s as if a weight has been lifted from my sole! How can I repay you for this miracle?

Sybok: Join my quest!

Jethroe: What are you looking for?

Sybok: What you seek...

Jethroe: Oil?

Sybok:No, not oil! Shut up and pay attention. I am seeking the ultimate truth, but to find it, I’ll need a starship.

Jethroe: A starship?

Sybok: Yes, a starship. What are you? Deaf?

Jethroe: But there aren’t any starships on Numbbutts III!

Sybok: Perhaps I have a way to bring one here.

Jethroe: How?

Sybok lifts his hood revealing a pair of pointed ears. Jethroe wonders if Sybok is planning to catch a starship using them. Sybok begins laughing at a joke he had heard earlier that day.

Meanwhile, in Earth’s Yosemite Sam National Park, McCoy is watching Kirk and Spock climb a mountain.

McCoy: I hope he falls and breaks his neck.

Spock: Greetings, Captain.

Kirk: [startled] Spock! You can fly!

Spock: I am not flying, Captain, I am simply wearing a pair of Nike anti-gravity boots.

Kirk: What are you doing in this neck of the woods?

Spock: I have been waiting for you to fall.

Kirk: I’m fatter... uh, I mean flattered.

Spock: Well, you will be flatter once you hit the ground.

Kirk: Twevle zillion points of interest in Yosemite, and you pick me?

Spock: You are the largest.

Kirk: Why don’t you go piss off McCoy for a while?

Spock: I’m afraid the doctor is not in the best of moods.

McCoy: [singing] Listen to the mockingbird, listen to the mockingbird....

Spock: Control is vital. You must be one with the rock.

Kirk: [lets go of rock to adjust girdle] Spock I’m grateful that you are trying to help me but... Hey! Don’t fly away while I’m talking to you!

Spock: I am not flying away captain. You are falling.

Kirk: Oh... What?!?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Kirk hits the ground with an earth-shattering ka-boom. McCoy and Spock rush over.]

McCoy: Jim, are you all right!?

Kirk: I’m fine, Bones. I landed on my stomach.

Spock: Fortunately, the landing was soft enough to prevent any damage.

McCoy: Do you want any help out of the impact crater?

Meanwhile, back on Numbbutts III, Cathin Dar, the new Romulan representative meets with Talburt, a human, and Korrd, a Klingon.]

Dar: Gentlemen, I am Cathlin Dar.

Talburt: Yes, we heard. I am Singin Talburt from the Federation, and this bag of lard is the over-the-hill Klingon councilman, Korrd.

Korrd: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP!

Dar: Is that Klingon for hello?

Korrd: No, it means, “I think you are the most beautiful creature in the galaxy. Do you want to have sex?”

Dar: Later maybe. Thirty years ago, our three governments formed this planet together to capitalize on the growing success of Star Trek merchandising. A new age was born.

Talburt: Our new age died a quick death. Especially when the profitable Star Trek action figure market dried up... but, I suppose that’s what we get for marketing twenty variations of Troi in one month.

Dar: Well, it looks like I’ve arrived just in time!

Alarms go off.

Dar: What’s that?

Talburt: Oh. It’s nothing. The alarms are telling us that the city is being attacked again. What’s next on the agenda?

Korrd: We are supposed to look over the prototypes of the “Lursa and B’Etor Snap-on Cleavage set.”

Talburt: Oh, yes.

Sybok: Greetings, everyone.

Dar: Mr. President, I call a point of order. The armed terrorist has not been given permission to speak.

Talburt: You are correct. From now on, get permission from the chair before speaking.

Sybok: [raises hand]

Talburt: The chair recognizes the armed terrorist.

Sybok: I’m afraid that I must take you all prisoner.

Talburt: Motion on the floor is that the armed terrorist take us prisoner.

Korrd: I second the motion.

Talburt: Motion is seconded. Let’s vote.

Meanwhile, on board the new Enterprise.

Scotty: Chief Engineer’s top secret diary, Stardate: 276892896789216789467843789708 [takes deep breath] 4879053278903278903.84834327896 26429 [whew!] I’ve been looking at this new Enterprise, and I’m beginning to think that Starfleet just took the old one we blew up and put it back together with superglue. She’s got a fine engine and late night buffet, but half of the doors won’t open, and guess whose job it is to make it right?

On the bridge, Uhura is stuck in a turbolift door.

Bob Vila: This isn’t my job. I’m leaving. [...and he does.]

Uhura: It’s your job Scotty!

Scotty: Lass! What did you do to your head? It looks like your wearing a steel wool hairdo!

Alarms go off.

Scotty: I just fixed that damned thing! Shut it off, will you?

Admiral: Red Alert! Red Alert! Enterprise, come in!

Uhura: Scotty, I think that this is for real.

Scotty: Real who?

Uhura: Not a person named Real. I mean, this is genuine!

Scotty: I said shut it off!

Admiral: You’re not shutting me off this time Mr. Scott! Get on the horn and tell all of your buddies playing wilderness boys that we’ve cancelled vacation!

Back at Yosemite Sam National Park, Kirk and company sit down around a campfire.

McCoy: Have I mentioned that you really piss me off, Jim?

Kirk: Not in the last four or five minutes, no.

McCoy: Well you do! Falling off that mountain you should’ve been killed!

Kirk: Well, for your information doctor, even as I fell I knew I wouldn’t die. You see, all my life I’ve always known that I’ll either die alone, or with some bald French guy.

McCoy: Look, I’m drunk and gassy, let’s go to sleep.

Kirk: Good idea. Good night, Spock. Good night, Bones.

Spock: Good night, doctor. Good night, Jim.

McCoy: Good night, Spock. Good night, Jim.

All: Good night, John-boy.

Far out in the cold reaches of space, the Voyager floats by. Suddenly, a Klingon Bird-of-Prey decloaks. On board the Klingon ship, the young brat Captain Klaa makes his way to the bridge.

Chekov: This is our chance, Scotty! Our chance to finally get rid of him! We can blame it on the Klingons! Come on Scotty, you can’t tell me that once or twice you haven’t thought of “losing” his transporter pattern!

Scotty: I know. But unfortunately, so does the Captain! You see, he thought you might try something like this, so he took your favorite teddy bear to the planet with him.

Chekov: Stalin!?

Scotty: That the one!

Chekov: [fume] Very well, let’s get the shuttle safely on board. Our day is coming soon. Oh yes... sooooooooon.

On board the Bird-of-Prey...]

Klaa: Oh boy! Kirk’s on that itsy-bitsy defenseless shuttle! I can kill him quite easily!

Vixis: But captain, that wouldn’t be very honorable!

Klaa: Crap. You’re right! What if we de-cloaked and played chicken with him?

Vixis: What good would that do?

Klaa: It could give him a heart attack.

Vixis: I suppose that if that happened we could say that he died of fear of us!

Klaa: Right-o! Let’s do it!

On the shuttle...

Talburt: Once we gain control of the ship, we will readjust the seats and reprogram the preset radio stations on your stereo.

Kirk: You bastards! The Klingons are out there. We’ll be lucky to get back ourselves! Korrd! You tell him!

Korrd: huh?

Kirk: You see!? If we’re going to get back safely, we’ll have to execute emergency landing plan B.

Sybok: Mr. Sulu, is that dangerous?

Sulu: I don’t know. I’ve never heard of it.

Sybok: Gee... Let me think. I have to choose between certain death or probable death. Which death would hurt more?

Uhura: I’m no expert, but I’d say that the Klingon way of death would be very painful.

Sybok: Well, in that case, do the landing plan B thing.

Kirk: Right! Engage!

The shuttle shoots toward the Enterprise, but unfortunately, Kirk forgot to tell Chekov about his plan and the shuttle crashes into the still-closed shuttlebay doors.

Kirk: Ouch. That was not smart. Oh geez. What a minute! Sybok’s dropped his gun! If I can get my hand on it, I can save the ship!

Sybok: [Grabbing gun] I don’t think so!

Kirk: Oh dear god! Sybok can read my thoughts!

McCoy: No he can’t, you idiot! You were thinking out loud again!

Kirk: Boy I’d like to kick that smart-asses teeth in.

McCoy: Jim, you’re doing it again.

Sybok: Captain, I demand that you take me to the Bridge.

Kirk: Ok, but first I’d like to say, “I’m sorry.”

Sybok: For what?

Kirk: For this!

Kirk lunges at Sybok, who subsequently beats the shit out of him.

Sybok: There. Maybe that will teach you to mess with Sybok! I... Wait a second, I cannot seem to find my gun.

Spock: I am afraid that I have it.

Sybok: Oh. May I have it back?

Spock: Art thou insane!? Surrender now.

Sybok: No. You must kill me.

Spock: Very well.

Gun: [click click]

Sybok:Ha! You forgot to reload the gun! What a stroke of luck on my part! Well Spock, you’ve really pissed me off this time, so I’m going to have to throw you and your friends in the brig.

Sybok’s men escort Kirk, Spock, and McCoy away. Meanwhile, Korrd shoves Uhura and Sulu out of the shuttle wreckage.

Spock: One moment, let me check the script. Hmmmmm... blah, blah, blah, “Kirk, Spock, and McCoy are thrown in the brig...” Blah, blah, blah.... Oh! Here it is! “Sybok is my long lost half-brother” What?! “Long lost half-brother!?” Who writes this tripe?

Kirk: Grrrrrrrrrrr.

Meanwhile on the Bridge...

Chekov: What’s going on? Sulu! Uhura! Who are these people!?

Sulu: These are terrorists who have commandeered the Enterprise and have thrown Captain Kirk in the brig.

Chekov: Threw Captain Kirk in the brig?

Sybok: Yes, and now I must hypnotize you.

Chekov: No need. I’ve been trying to get rid of that bloated no-good scene stealer for years!

Sybok: Indeed?

Chekov: So tell me babe, where are we headed?

Sybok: You’re right, it is time to announce my intentions to the rest of the crew.

In the brig, Kirk tries to escape though the ceiling but an energy bolt electrocutes him.]

Kirk: yyyyyyyyAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Spock: Are you all right Jim?

Kirk: Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Yes...

McCoy: That’s odd. I smell frying bacon.

Spock: As do I.

Sybok: [on intercom] Friends, Romans, Countrymen, since the beginning of time, people everywhere have been searching for the place where it all started. Modern dogma tells us that this place is a myth. Well, to those dogs I say, shut up!!! It is no myth, I tell you!

McCoy: He can’t mean...

Sybok: Our destination is Desilu Studios, which is located in the center of the galaxy!

Spock: Desilu... Where all life in the Star Trek universe started!

Kirk: B-B-B-But the c-center of the g-g-galaxy can’t be r-r-reached.

Sound: [TAP-TAP-TAP]

McCoy: Okay, which one of you guys just farted?

Spock: I do not believe it was a fart you heard, doctor. I believe someone is trying to communicate with us in Morse code.

Sound: [TAP-TAPITY-TAP]

Kirk: That’s an “S”

Spock: “T”

McCoy: “A”

Sound: [TAP-WHAM-TAP]

Kirk: That is an “Y”

Spock: “N,” Captain.

Kirk: Whatever.

McCoy: Oh GREAT!!! You two’ve made me lose my place!

Kirk: What!? Oh no! I’ve lost my place too!

Spock: As have I.

McCoy: Don’t panic! Don’t panic! What have we got so far?

Spock: “STAN”

Kirk: I’ve got it! There is a little man named Stan living in the wall!

The wall explodes revealing Scotty.]

Scotty: What are ye standing around for!? Do you not know a jailbreak when you see one?

Kirk: Scotty! Are you helping Stan too?

Later, Scotty and the ex-jailbirds scurry through the bowels of the Enterprise.

Kirk: Tell me Scotty, how did you escape when everyone else on the ship is being turned into mindless zombies?

Scotty: I was in the shuttlebay havin’ a wee bit o scotch when I saw you crashed through the doors. (hiccup) Then I hid.

Kirk: Sorry I asked. Scotty, where can we send a distress call?

Scotty: (hiccup) Federal Express it.

Kirk: Scotty. Are you drunk?

Scotty: Maybe.

Spock: Captain, I believe that there is an emergency sending apparatus in Ten Forward... er... I mean the officers’ lounge.

Kirk: Dammit, Spock! What good will that do us!? What we need is a radio!

Spock: That is what an emergency sending apparatus is.

Kirk: Exactly! Come on, guys. Scotty... uh... you stay here.

Kirk, Spock, and McCoy leave. Scotty falls down in a drunken stupor.

Kirk: What the hell kind of an elevator is this?

McCoy: It’s not an elevator, Jim, it’s just a shaft. We’re going to have to climb up it.

Kirk: Right-o. Let’s get to it.

Meanwhile, a hypnotized Sulu and several of Sybok’s men race through the bowels of the ship chasing Kirk and company. Sulu rounds a corner and trips over Scotty.

Sulu:Ouch!!! I mean... Get Mr. Scott a cup of black coffee.

Back in the elevator shaft...

Kirk: Wow! Oh man, am I bushed! Let’s rest for a minute.

McCoy: But we’ve only climbed up one deck!

Kirk: Shut up bones. Spock, how much further do... Spock? Bones, where’s Spock?

McCoy: Maybe he fell. Yea! No more Spock!

Spock: I believe the reports of my death are premature, doctor.

McCoy: Ahhh! Spock! You’re flying!

Spock: As a stated before at the beginning of this parody, I am wearing a pair of anti-gravity boots. I believe that we can use them to fly up the shaft.

Kirk: Brilliant plan, Spock.

Spock: I know.

Kirk and McCoy jump into Spock’s arms.]

Kirk: Ooooo, Spock, is that a phaser in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

McCoy: What’s going on? Why are we going down?

Spock: I belive that we are too heavy.

Kirk: Must’ve been all of those marshmallows. And the cake... the three zagnut bars, the roast pig, the...

Sulu, who is still limping, and his garrison arrive.

Sulu: Up there! My God! They’re going to land right on us! Run away! Run away!

McCoy raises a shotgun to Ol Yeller and fires. Blood splatters all over the doctor.

Sybok: That wasn’t the worst of it, was it?

McCoy: NO!

Sybok: Share it, my brother!

McCoy: Not long after that, we found out he wasn’t rabid! He was just in a bad mood! (boo hoo hoo!)

Sybok: [hugging McCoy] Praise tha Lord! You are saved! This house is clear.

Kirk: Big deal. I need another example. Do your voodoo on Spock.

Sybok: Right-o!

All of the sudden, the officer’s lounge turns into a “Leave it to Beaver-ish” home with Sarek and Amanda playing with the infant Spock. Amanda gets up to leave and Sarek starts dropping Spock on his head over and over and over and over again. The Elder Spock begins whimpering and rubbing his head.

Kirk: Quit blubbering, you idiot! [backhands Spock]

Sybok: Let me take away your pain, Captain.

Kirk: I need my pain!

Sybok: Why?

Kirk: Because I... Uhhhh... Well, it’s a matter of... errrr...

Uhura: [on intercomm] Sybok, we are approaching the Great Big Barrier.

Sybok: What’s that?

Kirk: It’s Uhura. The chick with the metallic hair.

Sybok: No, the Great Big Barrier. What is it?

Spock: It is a force sheild that no one in recorded history has ever crossed that surrounds the center of the galaxy.

Sybok: Oh. Well, there’s a first time for everything! Come on Spock, come on, McCoy.

Spock and McCoy start to leave with Sybok until Kirk clears his throat. The two then stop, roll their eyes, and rejoin the captain.

Kirk: You know well never get across the Great Big Barrier!

Sybok: Yes we will! God told me we will! He’s waiting for us on the other side.

Kirk: Really? Is Elvis there too?

Sybok: [leaving] We shall see.

Kirk: [to Spock] Coo-coo! Coo-coo!

Later, on the Bridge...

Chekov: I don’t wanna meet God anymore! I wanna go home!

Sulu: They say no ship has ever returned from the Great Big Barrier.

Sybok: Really? Just who are “they” Mr. Sulu?

Sulu: Uhh... errr.

Sybok: I thought so. Take us in.

The Enterprise speeds into the Great Big Barrier.

Kirk: My god! It’s full of stars!

Suddenly, a funny-looking planet appears on the viewscreen.

Sybok: There it is! The planet of Shaka-Khan!

Uhura: Wow.

Kirk: Very impressive.

Sybok: Yah! Kirk! What are you doing on the Bridge!?

Kirk: You forgot to leave some guards with us, so we decided to come up here to see what’s up.

Sybok: I see. Well, as long as you’re here, you can take command of the Enterprise.

Kirk: Thank you! Mr. Chekov, escort Sybok to the brig.

Sybok:Wait! Aren’t you curious as to what’s on the planet? I can take you there!

Kirk: Spock, what do you think?

Spock: If we took him along, it would be incredibly stupid.

Kirk: Agreed. Come on, Sybok.

Later, on the planet...

Kirk: A shame the transporters are still broken. Scotty could’ve beamed us directly to God.

McCoy: Oh man. I wish I’d have known that I would be meeting God today. I would’ve worn a tie.

The four round a corner and come up on a old building.

Sybok: Desilu Studios!

Spock: He was right! It is here!

The ground shakes and “God” appears.

“God”: Greetings Y’all.

Kirk: Is this the voice of God?

“God”: Well, it certainly ain’t Moses! Say, tell the almighty how you guys found me?

Sybok: We flew in on a starship.

“God”: Really!? Could this starship take me out of here? Granted, I am God and I could get out of here anytime I wanted, but there’s just something about hitchhiking that interests me.

Suddenly, Enterprise is attacked by the now-forgotten Klingons and the transporter conveniently breaks again.

Kirk: Scotty? Scotty?

Operator: We’re sorry, but your call can not be completed as dialed.

Kirk: Blast!

Kirk runs away and climbs a mountain (apparently, because it was there) “God” catches up with him and prepares to make the kill! Suddenly, a chunk of blue ice from the Enterprise falls out of the sky and kills the false god. Kirk starts dancing a jig and is beamed up to the Enterprise.]

Kirk: Ah, it’s great to be back! What’s all the commotion about?

Spock: We’re being attacked by the Klingons and only your superior skills as captain can save us!

Kirk: Ho-hum. Mr. Chekov, blow them up.

Chekov: Aye sir!

The Bird-of-Prey goes boom.]

Later, Kirk holds a beer bust in the officers’ lounge.]

Kirk: What are you two talking about?

McCoy: We were... speculating. How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?

Kirk: Something wrong Spock? Has the death of your brother depressed you?

Spock: No, not really. I was just wondering. What is the point?

Kirk: ...of life?

Spock: ...of this adventure!? I mean, we travel billions of miles across the cosmos looking for God and what do we find!? An alien that isn’t nice! What was the point!?

Kirk: It was brilliantly directed.

Spock: Oh wake up! ...wake up! ...wake up! ...wake up! ...wake up!

The scene ripples and dissolves to Kirk asleep in his sleeping bag in Yosemite Sam National Park.]

Spock: ...wake up! ...wake up! Jim? Jim, wake up!

Kirk: Wha...!? [snort] Spock? What happened to the planet of Shakka-Khan?

Spock: Shakka-Khan, captain? I know of no such place.

Kirk: It was all a dream!

Spock: What was?

Kirk: There was this guy... this... Vulcan who laughed a lot. He lured us to a planet and took over the minds of the crew. And... and we met God! Only, it wasn’t God... it was a bad alien! And the guy who took over the ship was your long-lost half brother!