Fattenburg
by Craig Bell, Sonya Ryall and Steven Ryall for £20.00

Battenberg is an all time classic. Notorious for being accompanied with cups (not mugs) of tea and doyleys.

But what if it is a lovely summer’s day, you are sitting with your chums and Godzilla (the neighbour) turns up for a chin wag. Well he’s not exactly going to be impressed with the spread is he? Now I don’t intend on discriminating against people with a larger frame, but he’s going to want more than a mere finger foods. Simple enough to make some tea, a bucket, a dozen tea bags and a few pints milk will have to suffice. But what about some cake, to offer the radioactive reptile none would be down-right rude.

Introducing new Fattenberg. One of Mr. Kipling’s exceedingly fat cakes.

How to make:

Firstly you will need to open your well rusted wallet to buy the ingredients, now don’t be tight, Godzilla is in all sorts of social circles and is known to be a real hoot. You will need to buy:

3lb of butter (I can feel my arteries clogging up)
3lb of caster sugar (how many cups of tea would that do for a brickie? Maybe 3?)
2 Dozen Eggs (the dirty 2 dozen)
16 Cups of self-raising flower (that’s more raising than the lead in a dirty flick)
Raspberry and Vanilla essence (or food colouring for a budget)
A Crap load of marzipan
A Jar of Seedless Raspberry Jam

Now if you do not have an industrial size oven you may have to split this into batches (much like we did). Remember there are 4 segments to the average Battenberg, 2 pink and 2 yellow.

Step 1:

Paste 1½ lb of the butter and 1½ lb of the caster sugar together in a bowl.

Step 2:

Lightly beat 6 eggs together in a bowl. We used a fork but some hard cases might want to use knuckle dusters for the beating.

Step 3:

Mix the eggs into the sugary butter paste.

Ok, at the moment it just looks like scrambled eggs but wait until you see the final product.

Step 4:

Sift the flour into the mix until it turns to a doughy texture.

It looks like a picture taken at a party thrown by a popular model and the lead singer of the band “Babyshambles”. In charades I would say sounds like “Feat Doherty”. But there is really no point in suing me for liable, I have no money.