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I remember growing up and feeling that I must have failed greatly because I caused so many in my family to abuse me over and over. I had it planted into my mind that everything that happened to me was my fault.The sad part of this is I believed it for so many years because everyone would keep reiterating this in my mind all the way growing up. I had the lowest self esteem along with terror and anxiety that grew with each day. My abuse was not just once in a while but for many years almost daily. If it was not my mother or my father it was my sister or my grandfather or my uncle or my step father.Others abused me but the worst of course was my own family members. I was too small and my way of coping was to be the most perfect child I could be but as you all know no one is perfect and it was not my fault and it kept happening year in and year out. I found many ways of coping, as I got older I started using alcohol.I blacked out the first time I used it but I liked the feeling of being numb. I had two personalities or alters who did the drinking, one was named Doris, and the other Dorothy. They were counterparts of my mother and my oldest sister respectively. These two alters were just acting out on how they felt about themselves. Part of me wanted to be accepted my family but the other part of me hated the very same things my family did. I was considered the lost child in the family of two alcoholics. It was easy to create other alters. I thank God that he gave me such a wonderful mind that kept me alive and not kill myself. Looking back even as a child I truly was not a failure because I had the sense to use my mind to create other alters to help me to be able to grow up to the age that I could finally come to grips with my family of alters. One thing is true I am not a failure I am what I would call a real authentic Thriver in life!

I wonder how my life would turned out with out I am thankfull that I have you its been so long since ive seen you you are a very strong person to have indured all you have gone through I have a new understanding of my mom now I love you