Zombie Month on Bullshido

So what the hell were we thinking? Zombies? Is this 2006? The Walking Dead isn't even back from hiatus, World War Z is up there with Starship Troopers as one of the worst book-to-film translations, and Hollywood even crapped out a zombie teen romance-comedy.

Yes, zombies have jumped the shark. (Look for "Zombishark" to be released straight to the SciFi channel in a few months.) When the Federal Government of the United States is putting out zombie-themed PSAs, just like when Nancy Pelosi attempted to employ a Rickroll, you know the fun has been drained out of a thing and it's time to pack it in.

time for the "undead" to die?

...or maybe not - not just yet.

You see, "Zombies" do have a use, one uniquely valuable to the self defense industry. They give people a socially acceptable means of discussing a topic that's arguably necessary, but borderline sociopathic: defense against enraged crowds, riots, and maniacal "bath salts" violence.

The "Reality Based Self Defense" and overlapping communities (mostly populated by middle-aged, obese white men fantasizing about threats to escape from their shitty lives), have long employed terms as "Goblin" to refer to home intruders and violent threats, albeit with a healthy dose of not-so-subtle racial overtones.

But the pale, rotting flesh of a zombie does not easily lend itself to such racism. Even in the most blatant paranoid Elmorian (Phil, not Leonard) apocalyptic story, could a zombie be seen as anything other than a threat for its brain-gnawing, and not its angry music and larger genitalia.

We're obviously talking about Asians

Any well-adjusted person not in the Marine Corps would have some reservations when it comes to discussing shooting/stabbing/chopping/lawn mowing other human creatures in the head; but with Zombies, you get a free pass on that guilt - they're already dead! Plus, the potential tongue-in-cheek humor angle helps deflect suspicion from those folks who refuse to think of anything but rainbows, sunshine, and the government not spying on all our communications.

So as you see, the zombie is a useful conceptual tool we can employ as a tool to discuss "**** Hitting The Fan" scenarios without all that baggage. And that's why this month on Bullshido is dedicated to them.

I love zombie movies/tv shows! It's the one horror genre that my wife will actually watch with me (aside from the occasional alien). What would I do in a zombie Apocalypse? I would try to get my family to Fort Knox gold mine, which is a ways out of town, is surrounded by barbed wire fencing (complete with security check points), has access to water (also fishing and hunting), and has its own generators (obviously these would be used sparingly, BUT, during summer we don't really need lights. Winter would be rough though...

Are we talking Romero Zombies or those "28 Days Later" Bio-"Zoom"bies.

Because I can't run for ****. I hate those @#%$$% zoombies! They never explain why the things don't just succumb to rapid dehydration anyways. That's some bull@#$%!

#$%$ zoombies!

Now Romero Zombies on the other hand I could deal with. Hell, a decent stock pile of supplies, an elevated possition with a good strategic bottleneck and a sharp metal pole and you could just go poking holes in zombie skulls to your hearts content. Working in shifts with some friends you'd kill thousands in a mater of days.

Those Romero Zombies are punks I say! The only thing weaker are the stump dumb characters in those films. But they have to be dumb to carry the story because if they had even a retard's ability to reason those movies would be over in 20 minutes...

Those Romero Zombies are punks I say! The only thing weaker are the stump dumb characters in those films. But they have to be dumb to carry the story because if they had even a retard's ability to reason those movies would be over in 20 minutes...

The old Dawn of the Dead did have people that secured the mall fairly quickly, but then Romero introduced a staple concept of zombie movies: that amoral humans are the real monsters (in the form of roving biker gangs in this case).