6 ways to live posh on a budget

People will tell you that money doesn’t make you happy. Well, okay – but it certainly doesn’t hurt right?

The trouble is, money is hard to come by – at least in the really fun quantities you’d like.

But don’t worry – thanks to our wonderful guide on how to live posh on a budget, you can really get a taste of what it feels like to be Mr/Mrs Moneybags.

Book a table at the finest restaurant in town

Make the phone call in front of all your friends, and do it really casually as if you do it all the time. Your chums will be dead impressed. Of course, they don’t need to know the end of the story – you know, the part where you don’t turn up.

There might not be such thing as a free lunch, but there is such thing as a free booking.

Get posh. Get Prime.

Will anything ever out-posh the feeling of arriving home from work to a boxset of Downton Abbey you ordered at lunchtime? Absolutely not. There’s posh, and then there’s unlimited same-day delivery posh.

Amazon – helping you deny poverty since whenever they started free trials of Prime.

Get posh. Get Graze.

Nothing says ‘I’m posh’ like spending money on absolutely non-essential items and pretending like you couldn’t live without them.

Graze allows you to do just that, as they’ll send you a daily package of kale, quinoa and dried moose ovary filled snacks that are proven to make you at least a bit immortal and increase overall Smug-3 levels by at least 53%.

There’s no way you could afford this regularly, but they’ll give you your first box for half price for a one-off taste of the good life.

Get arty.

Locate a nearby art exhibition. If possible, make sure it’s modern conceptual stuff that literally a child could make. Stand in front of any piece (it doesn’t matter which, they’re all as meaningless as the next) for at least 5 minutes. Say literally any sentence including the words ‘post-modern’ and ‘spatial boundaries’. Make sure you speak like you’re trying to be quiet, but at a volume that is loud enough to be heard.

There you have it – you’re an instant posh art buff.

Go to Boots. Every single day.

With a bit of commitment, you can afford to make Chanel No.5 your signature fragrance. All it takes is a quick trip to Boots on your way to work/college every morning.

Of course, it will get awkward with whoever is working in the perfume section. But that’s fine – if you’ve been following this list so far, you’ll have long shed that useless sense of shame you used to be so fond of.

Treat your inferiors with thinly veiled disdain

One of the most crucial aspects of posh-hood is possessing a total and utter conviction that those with less than you are deserving of nothing but your resentment.

The best part is, it costs literally nothing to do. So go ahead – scowl at people using public transport, shun polite chit chat with the cashier at Waitrose, and openly grimace when you see someone eating at a chippy. It’s all free, after all!

Obviously – most of these suggestions come at the cost of at least some degree of decency. We want you to stay swanky this January, but we also don’t want you to become a bad person.

That’s why we chopped our food prices in half for all of this month. And to make the deal even posher, we’ve released our very high brow specials menu at the same time – meaning that you can politely masticate on a plate of Bourbon Beef Short Rib or Seafood Provençal for half the price.

Don’t worry. We’ll keep you prim and proper this January. Book yourself in for a gourmet treat.