Kelp Thing: But I must do what I do. [jumps up in the air until he notices his car is being towed] Huh? [The word "TOWED" comes on screen. Kelp Thing jumps down and then walks away]

Mermaid Man: Evil can't park here between the hours of 6:00am and 12:00pm! [the word "FIN" appears on-screen. The Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Fan Club is watching a video about the heroes. They cheer]

Club Leader: Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Fan Club members unite! [puts hands together in air]

All:[unite] Unite!

Club Leader: And now the second order of business: Drippy Brothers Studios is currently in production of the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy movie!

All: Ooh!

SpongeBob: Oh boy, Patrick, I can hardly wait to see our favorite heroes on the big screen!

[Patrick laughs]

Club Leader: Third order of business, the special surprise guest! [all gasp] The stars of the Mermaid Man movie are here tonight! [everyone cheers] Directly from the set, here they are! [curtain opens, revealing Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy actors]

Fake Mermaid Man: Hello, little heroes.

Patrick: Huh?

SpongeBob: You're not Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. You're fakes!

Fake Mermaid Man: Well, of course, we are—we're actors.

SpongeBob: Actors? How can they make a Mermaid Man movie without the real Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy?

Fake Mermaid Man: Listen, kid, this is an action movie. You're has-been heroes are too OLD for action.

SpongeBob: Mermaid Man is timeless!

Patrick: Yeah!

SpongeBob: I think I speak for everyone here when I say we won't stand for these two phony-baloney ruining the good name of our heroes. No right-minded Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy society member would ever pay to see this...this celluloid hoax. I say we boycott this movie! Now who's with me? [SpongeBob and Patrick are thrown out of the building] Traitors! Wait till we tell Mermaid Man about this. [cut to the retirement home]

SpongeBob: Let's meet the highly skilled professionals who will help us fulfill your dream of being on the big screen. Sandy will handle the stunts and explosives. [Sandy holds up a bomb]

Sandy: Howdy.

SpongeBob: Pearl is the leading lady. Mr Krabs will cater the affair.

Mr. Krabs:[holds up a Krabby Patty]

SpongeBob: Patrick will run the camera.

Patrick: Hey... [knocks over the camera and gets tangled up in roll]

SpongeBob: This is Squidward. He's in charge of the makeup department.

Squidward:[walks away] Uh, no thanks. Who wants to be the 'makeup department'?

SpongeBob: Not makeup department, you're the makeup artist.

Squidward: Artist? [looks back]

SpongeBob: Makeup artist.

Squidward: Well then let's make those old crabapples sizzle. [looks at the heroes] Hmmm... [close-ups of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's old, wrinkly faces] Time for the art-eest to go to work. [takes out the flamethrower and gets to work. Banging and screaming are heard. Squidward staples their faces together] Voila!

SpongeBob: Ok, places everybody. Squidward, are our heroes ready?

Squidward: As they'll ever be.

SpongeBob:[gasps] They're beautiful. [Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy are tied up and look like sausage links] They look just like they did 30 years ago. [Mermaid Man slurping] Ok...action!

[explosion]

Sandy: I love my new job.

SpongeBob: Good job, Sandy.

Plankton: Psst... [has a mini Man Ray head on] I, Man Ray, have returned from the murky depths to seek my revenge and banish your souls to the nether regions. Their defenses are strong, but they are no match for my Man Ray ray. [takes out a flashlight and turns it on]

SpongeBob: What are you doing?

Plankton: SpongeBob, this role was made for me.

SpongeBob: That villain isn't even in this movie. But let me see if we have something that fits your qualifications. Oh, here's something. [takes microphone stand] You can be the boom operator.

Plankton: I thought Sandy was the boom operator.

Sandy: Did somebody say boom?

[explosion]

Plankton: All right, SpongeBob, but you're squandering my talents.

SpongeBob: Ok, Patrick, start the movie!

Assistant: Take 1.

Mermaid Man: We have to get back to those swollen Krabby Patties.

SpongeBob: Cut! No, Mermaid Man, it's "stolen Krabby Patties."

Assistant: Take 2.

Mermaid Man: We have to get back to those stolen naggie daddies.

SpongeBob: Cut! No, Mermaid Man, it's "stolen Krabby Patties."

Assistant:[somewhat tired tone] Take 5,003.

Mermaid Man: We have to get back to those stolen Krabby Patties! And if we don't stop that diabolical scoundrel- [mumbles because Plankton accidentally shoves the microphone in his mouth]

Plankton: Give it back!

Barnacle Boy: I knew this was a bad idea.

SpongeBob: Cut! Plankton, next time could you keep the boom out of shot? Other than that, you're doing a super job.

Plankton: This is humiliating. I'm not good at this boom thing.

Sandy: Did somebody say boom?

[explosion]

Pearl: Oh, daddy, you said I was going to be a star!

Mr. Krabs: You are, Pearl. Mermaid Man wouldn't be anywhere without you. Go out there and break a leg.

Pearl: Yeah! [runs off and cut to steep mountain]

SpongeBob: Okay, action!

Mermaid Man: To the boat mobile. [both jump on the boat mobile, which is really Pearl on her back with wheels]

Mermaid Man: Listen to that engine purr. [assistant is straining as he tries to pull Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy, and Pearl up a steep cliff]

SpongeBob: Almost there! [assistant grabs the edge of the cliff but it breaks off causing them to slide down, over a curved slope and into the air. Patrick aims the camera so that it's directly on Pearl, the assistant, Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. Then they come crashing down onto the set. Pearl gets off of a flattened SpongeBob]

Patrick: Good morning, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Everything's ruined! Well, at least we got the footage.

Patrick: Yeah, I got the footage.

SpongeBob: Patrick, what is that?

Patrick: Oh, it's a camera.

SpongeBob: No, Patrick, this. [takes off lens cap]

Patrick: Oh, that's a lens cap.

SpongeBob: Did you just put that on?!

Patrick: Yup, I didn't want to lose it so I put it there right before we started filming.

SpongeBob:[screams and goes insane, scoots his butt on the ground, lifts up piece of ground, and eats worms on bottom side. Everyone gasps.](wailing) The movie's ruined! We can't make a movie.

Mermaid Man: Hey, little hero, this reminds me of the Episode 912. We were surrounded. The Kelp-Thing was to our right and there broccoli on the side. But if there was one thing I remember, it was how to forget.

SpongeBob: Patrick, this is good. Roll the film.

Mermaid Man: The rain in Spain stays mainly on the...space! The final countdown. Stick to the...stick to the...Lou, my darling! Lou! [falls on ground] Now go out there and finish this movie, kid. [cut to Krusty Krab at night. Mr, Krabs is crying]

SpongeBob: Mr Krabs, why are you weeping?

Mr. Krabs: I closed early for your movie. Where are the paying customers? You promised a full house.

SpongeBob: And here comes the filling! [fan club comes rushing into the Krusty Krab] The Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Fan Club. I knew you'd come to see the real Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy movie.

Club Leader: Actually, the real movie was sold out. I'll take 200 tickets, please. [hands Mr. Krabs stack of money and he stuffs it into his pocket]

SpongeBob:[on-screen, playing with a toy car near a box-made fort with the word "LOX" on it] Fort Lox: home to over five billion Krabby Patties. [SpongeBob and Patrick each grab a canister of popcorn while watching the movie. SpongeBob uses his tongue and Patrick sucks all the popcorn out of his canister] What evil mastermind would dare infiltrate this fortified fort and make off with its treasure? [the patty vault is opened and a piece of kelp on strings comes down] It is I, Kelp-Thing! Do what I do!