It was my first serene night after what has happened in the old pages of this life’s history. At last I have learned to let go, I really don’t know what has happened or what I have gained but at least im not troubled anymore. There comes a time that I encounter his name and I feel a little jolt in some bloody muscle inside, but It’s a strange sound now, not musically relevant nor an orchestral symbolism of something grand. The world indeed cant stop for someone who is sad and broken, it would continue to revolve around its axis never minding people who definitely will be left behind.

I woke up remembering the previous night, the night I burned the letters, deleted the messages, threw memento’s and cut all the strings attaching me with someone.

Grains of feeling scattered

all over the haunted bridgeStreet filled with fools, like distant thunders

Striking our hearts at glance

It wasn’t easy, picking up the feelings scattered in the floor. Its like picking a million tears, not wanting to be part of you again and you just ended up, mopping the floor dry, not wanting to slip down and hurt your ass. But you'd wish it would happen. I used to wish it would have been that easy. Its easier to be beaten up, every inch of the human flesh than to be in pain in that particular small part of the body.

I woke up a different person now. Shaved, clean, unbiased. Bruised, jaded, burned out no more. Looking at the mirror, I still have my self and that’s all that might matter in this life. Im my own hero after all. All the others left are strangers ready to strike a pose in someones life.

The August night melts

like the stars are clouded by mistYou seem so close like September’s grin

then cry all over again

Time flies so fast. It seems eternity that we parted from each other. You never said goodbye- when I said ill see you soon. You never said you cared – when I said I need you. You said nothings gonna be the same again – when I finally blurted out how much I have been through because of you. Those were your weapons that broke my fortress. I never really wanted anything that can harm someone nor making my stronghold strong. I really never really cared about myself. It seems im at the moment they call 'my Another Now'. A Now without you, A Now that only has me in it. The August is so far away, you were my September, and its ends tomorrow morning with a grin. You used to be the road that leads me home, now that road is blocked. I ve learned an alternate route, an alleyway without you.

Then I held your hand

upon my empty hearted chestI saw you as the smoke ascends

need to forgive, ill never regret

On my way to our meeting place, by choice I passed by your apartment. I did what I could to reach out to you previously, I know you know that I never abandoned you. But you never budged…

And then there you were, at last i saw your smiles. Andrew welcomed you back in his life. May be that was one of the reasons… Maybe you really don’t need someone like me anymore. I was like what you call people who's just pestering you around, an IPIS of sorts. you've fought a tough battle and I was glad you were smiling, im not sure if youre victorious, you never gave me the chance to know the real story.

I forgive you, maybe in time ill learn how to forget too.

For the last time, below the shade of the clouded sun I whispered my goodbye.

The plane awaits for me to board,

counted reasons- one to nineTo leave this place, beneath the sand lies gold,

I know now that life maybe unfair but its still beautiful and to finally realize its beauty is one of the reason we continue to live.

Ive learned now the reason why people kept on loving even though it almost always end up breaking our hearts. Because not loving at all is killing our opportunity to enjoy the reason and purpose that God has given us. We were created because of love, and thus we should live by it, full of love. Not loving is like not living this life at all.

Ride the clouds, over uneven hills

like a baby on a coaster rideJust whisper, the echo and the wind

will deliver the unsung surprise

I started to smile. I was riding the clouds once again. No strings attached anymore. Free though unloved by someone but full of it nonetheless. I understand now, wherever my feet will take me, ill never be alone. I know someones waiting for me to come back.

I arrived at the meeting place. The place my mom told me about last night. She told me that Someone wanted to meet me here. I was surprised that someone turned out to be someheavenly troupe. I wasn’t alone after all. Though ive lost someone I hold dear, I still have more important angels that will never leave me. mom was there all smiles, Daniel and Karen, dearest to my heart were there. Brian and Brix-full of love, was shouting my name. Jake and Janus, was waving their hands in glee. JR, my crush was there too, showing off his sparkly teeth.

“Hello!” my heart whisphered.

And so a tale of love and loss ends, to start a new life worth living and worth reminiscing.

I am like your dying month of AugustAnd you are my September SongUnspoken words, like wet candles, wont burn againCant be reborn like the October monsoon...

Saturday, September 26, 2009

The cold metal arms of the silver chair made my hair go straight up as I sit on it, the cold air coming from the AC is to be blamed on this. Im not alone inside the coffee shop there are a clique composed of a boy and two of his GFF’s on my right side and presumably a sweet couple of PLU’s on my back. Im definitely alone, well technically I am, but the fluffy STUFF inside the colorful package on top of the table was my lone friend there. Its already dark and getting late, though I haven’t noticed the time because im enjoyin watching people passing by in front of my table, but when stores – other than the coffee shop where I was seated- started to close their lights, a sign that it was really late, I started to get annoyed… still I was patient enough to wait and sit there, to wait for him.

I noticed that the security personnel constantly checks the people around the coffee shop, which by the way is a good thing, I noticed that in the long hours- probably 3, I havent bought anything, which maybe makes me look suspicious, so I stood up, grabbed my colorful paperbag, and went to the counter to order a hot chocolate drink… to my annoyance, the taste was not at all good – for I worked previously in a chocolate company, so I can really tell, anyhow, I don’t wanna waste my money I tried to drink it all up while waiting…

“15 minutes and im already there…”

This was his message the previous hour, im not complaining at all, it was me on the first place that wanted to meet him, and his place is so far away from the place we would meet so I guess I have no reason to be annoyed.

So there was I seated again on the cold metal piece under a useless umbrella’d table, the colorful paperbag on top of table, me staring at people’s faces as they walk past…

Then there he was, walking towards me, he still wears the same exact face and has the same exact body that made my smile so wide… It was so swift, all of a sudden that smile faded, he was with somebody else, he was with his ex boyfriend, they look so good together. They weren’t holding hands coz Shawn was holding a Fila Box and Andrew was just as eagerly on his side… though they were far away from me, I saw how they disappeared underground using an elevator.

Ouch, I said to my self, I hesistated to call him, I don’t wanna spoil what good chance Shawn has- to gain Andrews trust. This was the chance Shawn was waiting for to prove how much he loves Andrew and im not gonna spoil that, never, eventhough this feeling can kill me, still im Shawns bestfriend, a friend who loves him dearly… I suddenly noticed that warm tears are starting to well up on my brown eyes and the clique in front of me was noticing my changed behavior so I twisted my position and secretly wiped the pain away from my eyes… still I waited for him, I already waited for hours and it wont hurt to face a friend who always wanted me to be happy… Do I have to wear a mask in front of him, is this going to be a masquerade?

The bittersweetness of the hot chocolate started to sink in to me, but still the love that I feel inside will always overwhelm that annoying feeling of repulsion and rejection. I waited for them to burst out of the elevator door at any moment, smiling and looking happy, but no Shawn or Andrew came out…

Then all of a sudden from my back Shawn was there smiling, though a little haggard, wearing his white tees and worn out jeans, greeting me A good February night. I was a lil shocked because I never expected him to come from my back…

“I could swear that I saw you going down that elevator holding a Fila shoe box and guess whos with you? Andrew!”

“Talaga?! Its impossible, I came from the MRT station, and I was late, im sorry, nakatulog ulet ako… impossible… but it’s a good sign, sana magdilang anghel ka Prince!”

Ouch

“The truth is I really saw my Ex, I mean my other Ex boyfriend on the MRT, James, he still looks gorgeous of course, and he gave me this calling card, small world eh, Here take a look…”

Another ouch.

“Kaso ayoko na makipagclose dyan, baka ma inlove ako ulet, but still I do hope the vision that you saw will come to pass, hopin hopin hopin for the best…”

The third ouch…

---

“It seems im the only one who's very slow. Nalalampasan na ako sa kabagalan ko. Time goes by so quickly. Its been three years, look at us still friends. Do you still remember how we met?” I told him sincerely tryng to reminisce our humble beginnings.

“Syempre naman. Anukaba. Funny, this exact place was the same place that you and I first shook hands. It was supposed to be a meet up between me and Aries, pero Aries brought you as his chaperone, nakakatuwa ka that time, napakaedgy mo. haha” Shawn’s eyes was mesmerized by the sudden realization.

“OP kaya ako no, its just so sad that you and Aries fell out as friends. Type na type ka kasi nun, kaso sorry sya inlove na inlove ka pa nun kay Andrew.” Though I ended my statement with a smile I cant help but notice how Andrews name still makes Shawn pinch as if I it hurts deep inside.

He fell silent. His eyes wandered around the coffee shop trying to figure out what exactly happened on that day. After a few minutes, after numerous oxygen he inhaled, and after a few frustrated smiles. He gave up. “Sirit na nga, hindi ko maalala eh, What happened ba last September 22, 2008?”

“Hindi mo talaga maaalala Shawn kasi it was the day that I realized im in love with a friend, im in love with you… and I know you know it…”

Silence.

---

As we walked down the road, he stretched his arms around me and rested on my shoulder. It was the first time he did that while we were walking. It felt good.

I invited him for a late night dinner at KFC and talked about everything under the pale moonlight including how I felt for him and his passive response which I could understand, I have to try to understand… While he was talking, I took time to study and memorize every lines of his face, every curve of his muscles and the dimples that accessorize his face. My spirits are lifted whenever im with him that erases all hurt and sorrows in life, I hope he knows how therapeutic his presence means to me…

As the moon rises to the blackened sky, its already time to be separated, he turned his back away from me, just for me to run after him and holler.

“Hey Shawn you forgot this…” me lifting the colorful package and handed it to him…

“Thanks, whats this?

"Lets just say, hes a little kindness in the night." I smiled

"you take care ok?.” I looked at him directly in the eyes

"You too... my friend." He smiled, a little kindness in the night.

I turned my back- no I love yous, no hugs, no kisses, no goodbyes, only déjà vus.

As I was walking away from him, I held out an envelope containing my passport and a one way ticket to a very far away place. A place where letting go and moving on can be found.

---

Why can't we love two persons at the same time? It is the same reason as to why we can't wear two different shoes at the same - Shawn

Thursday, September 24, 2009

I was my own hero maybe. Shawn definitely wasn’t one or more appropriately not my hero. The scenes that I have been through yesterday didn’t gave me the opportunity to sleep. I did not cry a single tear the moment the devastation came. The monster that I have inside might not be the winner after all, but I can feel his hunger and the strength to be released.

It was all part of my history already, to be used, abused and to be the dumb ass. I permitted them to slay me naked, and im not complaining. I just envisioned that when the time comes that I will rise up, someone will held my hand and say, “you did great you asshole, come here and feel my love”. Alas it might never come.

I stood up, ran away from my fortress, never wanting my mother to see me dying.

It was one of Shawns txt messages to my “I need your help” moment in the morning. But alas he never extended an eager hand to comfort me in this phoenix’s burning day. It was those moments that you were sure that a friend will let you borrow his lifeline to support yours for you have exhausted all the lifelines you have to save him, but pity he never really understood what it meant, thus never realizing that slowly you of all people was alone after all. In the deepest vowels of my heart, its painful to accept that the message was a self inflicted revelation that indeed he is worse than the Cold Coffee Knight.

“Please come here at Glorrietta… I need you. Thank you.”

I spent the whole morning at the mall. Checking out the faces of people passing by my spot. I missed this sport. Though I have a bad memory, I cant even recall actual facial features. But I do recall their smiles, how they light up when a child points out that they wanted that pretty doll. I remember how their dimple shows up when the person walking in their side reaches for their other hand. I recollect how others are so serious with life that they don’t even notice that a poor soul in this lonely place in the mall is breaking apart. But what the heck am I talking about, it doesn’t really matter anyhow, the world wont stop for a single broken soul, in fact there are bigger things to be busy with.

“There you are, ive been looking all over for you, andito ka lang pala. Common lets have an ice cream, taralets!” He took my hand and helped me stand up and guided my way towards the nearest ice cream parlor. He was not a knight in shining armor, nor the prince who will save the damsel in distress, though I used to wish he was…

But most important of all He was a friend, and will always be.

---

We ended at Yellow Cab, lunching over spaghetti & meatballs and Charlie Chan, nostalgic; those were also on out table when me, Daniel, Karen and Shawn first met each other, years ago.

“Anukaba, sa iyo yan!” He pushed the envelope back to me, and that started it.

As busy shoppers pass my back, they didn’t noticed that I was crying a river, bbut I was mindful of the tears I cried, I might drown the person who will save me, Daniel.

I recounted the painful yesterdays. It was indeed Angelo who opened my eyes to who I have become just to be loved by a significant another. Though I have always thought it was unconditional, it wasn’t after all. I was being selfish to everybody especially to the one I owe so much, myself.

What pains the soul wasn’t the cold coffee night nor the busy fast food chain yesterday but the fact that the battle was yet from over and im already losing it. I have sacrificed so much and still I feel empty and underappreciated.

“Believe me Dan I did begged myself to stop this foolishness…” and those times when my brain was at bay and my feet chained, my heart worked wonders that I have never ever thought it was capable of doing. Though the nervous system sends pain signals to the brain and was excruciatingly difficult to handle, the heart has countered all of that and I was happy, beyond all the doubts and fear that I have collected, all but love and trust reigned in me. I was saving him in the expense of my soul, I do hope I have saved his world, I can only do much but beyond that I am nothing. The mountain that I have lifted left a steep ravine for me to fall into.

The spicy afternoon at Yellow Cab turned to a sad hue of Blue, accompanied by a river of tears, the bridge yet to be built.

---

Daniel was so patient, he listened to me and lend me his hanky. That might be the day he will never forget and the day that I try not to remember. He showed me how to start picking up the pieces of what has been broken along the way. On the way to the not so far Star Bucks where we walked below tall buildings reminiscing our not so young friendship, now tighter and stronger than ever before. He stretched his strong arms and extended it on my shoulder.

“Do you remember what I promised you a year ago?” Daniel asked.

“Whats that I don’t think I recall it? I do hope its not illegal?” I smiled.

I promised you this.

And as the sun was spreading his last rays on the horizon, in the secluded and comfortable place near a vacant lot where no cars or people are visible the heavens saw how Daniel kissed Prince, and after the brouhaha, I knew that one person will never leave me.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

“Sampalin mo nga ako, please, para magising na ako…” I requested Karen, early in the morning as we were eating our early breakfast at Jollibee. The meet up was scheduled but the fact that I haven’t got any sleep and asking her to wake me up with a fierce slap on the face was simply farce.

We walked along the bridge and I saw how filthy the PASIG River has become. And I recall how Karen has made the comparison between me and the river, how low I have become and how selfish I have been for the past few months or so.

Three resounding slaps on my cheeks, in the middle of EDSA, above the filthy Pasig river. She was indeed an obedient friend. And I miss her brutality and the way she wanted me to wake up on the false fairy tale.

---

Blue River, give me reason to pretend,The need to smile and to sendMy heart and My tears,And my life at last to mend…

Saturday, September 19, 2009

By virtue of my patience and my view on the kindness of human beings, I stayed put. I might have acquired a special ability to trust and have faith in peoples’ words in my 25 years of stay here on earth. Another hour I stayed. And at last he came.

With smiles I welcomed his presence again, and we took off. I have taken with me the cold coffee tumbler on the table as a memorabilia of the night and using my tired body I carried my dying heart. Wishfully asking to be saved on what he felt as an impending chaos. It seems my heart had sensed that the Angelo that came back was different.

And the new Angelo was engulfed by the old Angelo that I knew.

He kept on mentioning how his phone was so old blah blah blah.

He kept on mentioning how I made him wait in vain for long years, breaking (my unknown) promises to him. Blah blah blah

He kept on mentioning that he was the only one I can depend on. Blah blah blah

He kept on mentioning the protocol that we will do to enter the Motel: He will go there first for a reservation and will go to the room, then he will call me whenever hes in the room already for me to follow.

I waited, beside the Mercury drug, where he left me. It was never in my dream to enter such a place, a motel. But im kind and patient enough to give in not to temptation but for old times sake. But all this time it was Shawn who was on my mind. Even though im free as a bird, it was always his face that pops up on my head to remind me who I really love, pity, it was not mutual.

It seems the heavens has heard my plea, there were too much reservations that night and the motel cant occupy us. Though he took the money for the reservation for him to buy a new phone, oh well. The journey ended at his apartment, my body so tired of the whole 24 hours had given up. He cannot use me physically, emotionally, sexually anymore. I said no. Angelo was furious that I cant do the things we used to do when we were in college. I cant even kiss him.

He stood up, we dressed up without a single word. We went out of the apartment still mute. He hailed a taxi, still in silent mode. And he went off leaving me behind. No goodbyes, no sorry, not even a wince of care.

As I stood in the middle of the street, he literally abandoned me and left me to suffer the impending chaos. I turned around, saw the dark street that Angelo used to escape, to my battlefront was an inevitable stampede of emotions. I looked around, stupid as I have been acting all night long, “this is supposed to be the time when my hero would appear, but where is he…?

---

The coffee tumbler that I held was cold and the knight was nowhere to be found. The coffee aint good anymore, the knight was never meant to have a shining armor.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

I decided to give it a go. Disaster was my first thought when I have made up my mind to meet Angelo. I had been cynical all this time when it comes to people like him, and I was proven wrong. It feels good when people prove you wrong.

The night was young and we still have tomorrow to celebrate life. We walked gleefully from EDSA to the not so far apartment where he currently lives. While walking we just kept on glancing at each other trying to figure things out, taking our time to wait for the heavy atmosphere of our reunion to subside. We were waiting for the correct time to deliver the punch lines, the exact time to smile and laugh and maybe the serendipitous moment to love, just maybe. I let him decide what we ought to do on a night like this. We reached his apartment in no time, damn; he was a neighbor to a TV station compound, where he was currently working as one of the people behind famous teleseryes of the station. It was indeed a great honor to be with the person who conceptualized the backbone story of my favorite show on TV.

He let me wait outside the apartment to avoid suspicions from his land lady, whom, according to him, by reputation was a certified chismosa. I stared at the moonlight above, how perfect this day could be, had breakfast with the couple Brix and Brian at Tagaytay, the whole stretch of the afternoon with Shawn at Trinoma and a night with my friend Angelo. We had no plans yet, maybe im in to some surprise tonight.

“Tara, lets go, so where to spend the night, ikaw ang taya ha. Hehe, antagal mo na kaya ako tiniis ano.” Exclaimed Angelo as he slinged his back pack on his left shoulder, smiling at me like a little boy wanting some candy.

Since he was tonights Boss, I let him decide on the itinerary of the night. As I glanced on the big sign of the station in front of me, he has already hailed a cab that will take us to Trinoma.

The ride was quite short, in no time we were walking towards a fine dining restaurant. We sat comfortably on a table opposite two goodlooking men, that we both concluded as partners. The waiters took our order and while waiting for the food, just like a showbiz oriented talk show, we started the segment “True Confessions”.

He had loads of stories to tell, about his experiences as a writer. Being an extra for a teleserye he is currently working on also as a scriptwriter. He also showed pictures and trailers of the upcoming show he was involved. And of course the interview would not be complete if the topic about sex wasn’t touched.

How can I forget Kuya Art? he was a friend, a brother and im definitely a certified fan. He was the most gorgeous and one of the most loved person in the university. Like Angelo, Arthur was a runner up on a university Beauty pageant, which incidentally was organized by our organization. He was not just a pretty faced gentleman, he was also very kind and husband material to girls and gays alike. Unfortunately he died young at 28. What a loss, I didn’t even had the chance to… May he rest In peace.

“I though he was straight? He even had a girlfriend that time, and boy, Ate Karla was so beautiful…?” I exclaimed and surprised on his revelation.

And it all comes back to me now, he has a prowess in hooking up with known figures in school, specifically with VP’s of the student council. I was a vice president once, Kuya Liam was a vice president before me and Kuya Art also. Somehow he was like a serial killer with specific targets.

“I was there during the times he needed a friend, he even invited me to come over his house a lot of times, just a pity he died young. The hospital had a malpractice that caused his early demise…” He explained with a sad tone to me, though I cant feel if he cared for him or loved him, or just maybe he had moved on, Kuya Art was 4 years resting already.

I shared little information about me and my life when we parted ways years ago, limited stories about my life but juicy nonetheless. He knows I have no lovelife, and i think it doesn’t matter anyway, or so I thought. I didn’t mention Shawn to him.

The dinner was served hot. We shared food like old friends that met on a lonely road. We laughed out loud when we watched a comedy film afterwards. We left the mall with a happy and thumping heart. Though the night was getting late, we weren’t finished on bonding. He invited me to have a drink at a coffee shop still in QC. Though he had previously planned to take me in a comedy bar, he wasn’t able to because there was a meeting with his co-writers late night. Thus a plan was formed. I will have to wait for him for about two hours in this coffee shop.

First Hour.

I agreed for old time’s sake. He left me with nothing to do but to scan the broadsheet in front of me. I scanned stories about politics, fashion, showbiz and more showbiz as I remember correctly. Patience was my best virture, just think of it, i had waited all my life for the person meant for me, and maybe he was the one, so two gruesome hours would be tiny compared to the years ive waited. extreme as i maybe, i will wait.

First and a half Hour.

But i hate it when people leave me behind, with no guarantee that they will come back for me or no assurance that somebody would be nice enough to find me lost in the haystack. I felt i was a stranger in the city, i dont know what terrors were looming in the streets of Manila. But i was also an optimist that counters this grim trait.

Luckily I have Daniel, on the other end of Manila, who accompanied me while waiting for Angelo. We had a little chitchat over txt messaging on the goings on of the PLU world that we live in and he was very kind enough to answer questions. He was also positive enough and brushed my ego. Maybe Angelo was the one for me after all the bad things that happened in the past. Maybe this was the beginning again of something new for me. Maybe in about an ahour or so, he would come back like a knight in shining armor to pick you up where you had fallen. Maybe he has the answers to all your questions...

Maybe.

Two Hours

Two hours had past and no Andy came back. The coffee tumbler that I held was cold and the knight was nowhere to be found. The coffee aint good anymore, the knight was never meant to have a shining armor.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

“Im in love with a person who cannot love me back, thats the biggest problem in the whole wide world” I answered with a smirk to Daniel when he asked why I was so sober.

“Kasi naman you knew from the start that this isn’t meant to be, eh pinilit mo pa rin.” He answered cheerfully.

“Hindi ko pinilit, it just happened. I was there when he needed me, he asked for my help and I gladly gave it to him, I didn’t know I would fall. In fact hes not even my type.” I sounded bitter, especially on the last part of the sentence.

“That’s the point, he asked for your help and you did what you have to do as a friend. But did he asked for your heart too? Bakit mo binigay yun, the fact that he didn’t ask that part, hindi nya yun hiningi, ikaw lang si tanga ang nagbigay ng kusang loob.” Daniel stabbed me directly into my heart and I died inside his restaurant.

He was right. Shawn asked for my help numerous times, but he never asked for that bloody piece of me, never, but i gave it up willingly even if not asked.

“Alam mo I have to go na Daniel, maybe Angelo is waiting na for me. I don’t wanna be late.” I turned my back on Daniel and left his “Cloud” restaurant. Maybe Angelo is the answer to all of this.

"Dyan ka magaling Prince, you keep on escaping the fact that he will never be the one for you..."

---

“San nga ulet tayo magkikita?” I texted Angelo for the third time to confirm the place where we will meet after 5 years of not seeing each other. To rekindle our burned out flame… I don’t know…

“Prnice, See you at Mcdonalds, Quezon City, 8pm.”

The fact that he was a runner up in a university pageant when we were in college and a student leader back then, I cant seem to perceive the stupidity of this text message. To top it all, he doesn’t know the correct spelling of my name.. “Pusang gala naman, oo. There are so many Mcdonalds food chain in Quezon City, how would I know which one is the correct place.” I told myself as the train started its ascend to the north stations. Oblivious of the message I looked at my side to see that eventhough the train was crowded to the extent that people were face to face with each other, I cant help but think how alone I was.

Then out of nothing, I felt that there was something missing. I checked my back pocket – my wallet was there, the two front pockets-keys ok, some candies on the left. I checked my backpack – celphone-ok, Camera-ok, spare clothes – including the Giordano shirt from Daniel, some receipts, passport-ok…. “Everything’s intact, but why do I feel this way, why do I feel that somethings amiss? its odd...” I asked myself as I slowly touched my pursed lips with my right hand, going down to my neck and to my chest. Then I knew from there why I was bothered. “Oh my, this aint my heart anymore…” I whispered softly while I touched my beating heart that seems to be a stranger inside of me. “Of all people why did you chose him…?”

The conversation with my heart was interrupted by my vibrating celphone. It was Angelo’s seemingly correct reply with my previous question. I think he came to his senses already and knew that there was something lacking in his previous message.

“Prnice, Mcdo, Quezon City, near MRT. See you there.”

Two things: still not quite clear and my name was misspelled again. My heart was mellow because of the previous calming presence of Shawn, I felt heavenly- I don’t wanna end the day in a bad way, so I don’t wanna end up arguing with somebody. Nobody will ruin this day.

Somehow I can read between Angelo’s lines now, there was one Mcdonalds in Quezon Avenue, near a Giant TV station where he was currently working.

---

“Quezon Avenue station…” The baritone voice announced the arrival of the train on my station. I prepared myself on the onslaught of anger and false accusations from Angelo.

As I trail down my way to the fast food chain to meet Angelo, I recalled our last conversation on the net which ended in an unpleasant manner- him being angry with me and accused me of things I never imagined doing to a friend. He was angry at me because I failed to meet him numerous times. He almost always bragged about my “so called” promises of giving him a brand new celphone, shoes and some other things that he needed during those trying times, my broken promises, that’s his weapon against me. He even told me that ive let him down so many times and he just cant accept the fact that that’s the way I repaid him, the one and only person who accepted me with all of his heart.

I sent him a message telling that I am already here and waiting. He replied that he will arrive in just a few minutes from his apartment. I entered the fast food chain; I conveniently sat on an empty table near the door, eagerly waiting for him, looking beyond the darkness of the moonless night. From this point forward, my life was a well mix up of muddy hue of my past and the blurred images of the future, how can my present survive this onslaught.

Then out of the darkness of the night, I saw him march his way to me. He came without any trace of angst or any anger in his face. Kingly as a lion in the desert, his decent can be characterized by a knight in a cold December evening, his horse, galloping his way towards the person he was about to save from the impending pandemonium. I pretended I did not see him, to pretend that I am surprised and thrilled to see him again after 5 long years, and indeed I was. When he tapped my back, strong enough to make me wince in pain, I saw him smile a caring and tender smile. He seems different; the demon that I was expecting to combat was not him, instead a kind angelic figure was in front of me. He looked younger than the last time I saw him, hes buffer now and all the excess fats were gone, he’s taller than me, and damn he looks sexy. AS I see him, his qualities were the qualities that Shawn’s lookin for a mate.

“Maybe he knows where I can find letting go and moving on…” I told myself.

“Ano kamusta ka na, long time no see, kala ko nakalimutan mo na ko.” AS he told me while his left arm arched its way to my right shoulders, a gesture that Shawn will never do.

Relieved as I am, he’s not Angelo that ive known in the past. The materialistic and egotistic person was all but gone. “Ok lang ako, its nice to see you again. Kumain ka naba, wag ka mag alala, ako taya ngayon.” I replied with the sweetest smile my face could ever give.

“Gwapo at macho mo na ngayon ah, crush na kita ulet!” I exclaimed to him and I cant help but grin when I saw him smile back.

“Ikaw lang eh, iniwan mo ako. 5 years yun ah.”

It wasn’t love at second sight, but I was extremely happy that I have a friend back in my life. This was the start of the longest and most unforgettable night of my life.

Maybe he is the answer to the BIGGEST PROBLEM IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.

Friday, September 11, 2009

I felt oddly chirpy as I was trailing down the MRT station going to Trinoma, I cant help but realize how wonderful the day was, setting aside the polluted air that I breath, the carbon infested stairs im trudging and somehow the unpretty face of the traffic below. Maybe it was because my fare from the not so far south to Manila was free or maybe it was the wonderful time ive spent with great friends previously or the thought that im gonna meet someone special, made the bells ring.

I was running late on our meet up for the first time ever. I always make it a point to arrive at least 30 minutes early, and today it was all but trashed. Maybe it was a sign that not all heroes can do all things at once, hence being his self proclaimed Hero, I confess that Im still human and have flaws. I’m quite sure hes very hungry, I promised him that ill treat him for lunch today. Unfortunately, before our meet up was finalized, I was previously invited by a sweet couple, both good friends of mine, to have an early lunch at CLOUD’s Tagaytay, owned by a good friend Daniel, I cant help but accept the invitation, the thing was both lunch dates were scheduled at the same day. With my heart full of stories that me, Brix and Brian shared over the festive meal, I immediately pranced my way towards the nearest Starbucks, our regular meet up place, for me to meet the lunch deprived Shawn. He knew very well that I would be late, but I still feel guilty that I had that very fulfilling lunch with friends while he waited for me happily. I do hope he did not feel that he was least of my priorities.

“I’m here already, where are you?” were the words that I instantly typed on my mobile phone as I sped my way to the meeting place. The mall was quite busy today, being weekends. Within a minute or two my phone vibrated and it was Shawn’s message “Dito lang ako sa Data Blitz, may tinitingnan lang. Wait for me there, im on my way.”

I eagerly waited for him, I dare not follow him to Data Blitz coz I don’t know where exactly was that shop. After a few minutes have passed, there he was, carried by the escalator towards me. He looks a little frail and delicate, and in his aura, hes still sporting the heartbreak that he recently had, Andrew had left him. still the inexplicable charm that he possess lingers on his physique as he trail down like a model in a catwalk. Shawn’s simple get up of plain t-shirt and worn out jeans cannot hide his good looks and endearing personality.

When he was just meters away from me, my heart was telling me to hug him tightly for me to show how much I missed him, the fact that it was only a few days ago that we last met each other. “Do I look good enough for him?” I asked myself as I saw him checking me out, “probably my fashion wasn’t that good at all. Inches away from him, I managed to just tap his shoulder two times, like what I always do to friends. “Im Sorry, im so late… im sure your hungry, lets go grab some plate..?” I said excitedly as ever. “San mo gusto?”

I can decide for myself, that’s true, but if im with someone else, I tend to favor the things that certain someone likes, and definitely ill love it too… That’s why im no good in choosing a place to eat, moreover what to eat, when situations like this occur…

He was also clueless to where we will eat, we surveyed the crowded mall and to no avail all fastfood chains were occupied, I planned to take him to fine dining resto, but my budget doesn’t allowed me, so after sometime, Shawn decided to eat in Tokyo Tokyo. It was my first time in Tokyo Tokyo, so I wasn’t familiar with anything that they are offering. AS per Shawn’s knowledge, their Tonkatsu was the best so we settled for Two set of Pork Tonkatsu’s with rice and Chocolate Mousse for desert.

And there we were, me facing him, him eating my heart out. Sometimes I ask myself why someone falls for another if they are not really meant for each other…? It just don’t make any sense at all. You find a treasure, in front of you, you wanted to keep it, but it wasn’t meant for you but for another person... How can someone who just happened to give you an extra smile, a tighter hug, a firmer handshake and a bonus closeness own your stupid heart, faster than the service of Tokyo Tokyo.

“Why arent you eating?” He asked me as he lifted his face up to face mine as I slowly memorize the contour of his face.

“Actually I finished my lunch already with Brix and Brian. Remember them?” I bit my lips hoping that he wont be jealous that I prioritized them instead of him, my best friend.

“Ahh, yeah right, i do hope they’re fine.” He smiled at me as he was enjoying his lunch, me enjoying the time im spending with him. It seems that all problems that I have, vanishes when im with him, no worries on life existed when im with him, no crisis is permanent when I think of his smiles, his taps on my shoulder. I just wish I can steal more time from him for me, to satiate my hunger for peace and tranquility.

But our time was limited. We were just friends, no more or less. He has his own problems to deal with and I have my own world to survive in. How was I foolish enough to think that there is a possibility that here in the fast food chain that we were currently face to face, he would tell me how much important my presence means to him, how much he craved to hold me in his arms and whisper the things I always wanted to hear from him. But I knew all along, right from the first time I saw the shadow of his eyes, that he loved someone else, his precious one, the treasure of his life, and I will just be an ordinary pearl in the sea of oysters… But eventhough I knew that this feelings will open up my heart to enormous pain, that same love also heals me from it. How ironic that would be, and when will I wake up from this dream which will never come true…

After ordering two more extra rice, ive shared mine to him, I laughed so loud, the moment he finished all four cups. Two things, Shawn was starving or that’s the correct amount food intake his stomach can digest. I didn’t eat as much as him, but im very sure im much fuller than him, the heart that is.

I had another meet up that night, I have told him time and again about the person whom im gonna meet. I was just hoping that he would say no to this meet up. But he insisted that I should go. Maybe he was hoping that the next counter would be the one who will accept me and my excess baggages, or maybe he cares enough for me and lets me wander around and not be confined with his presence or maybe he wants me to enjoy the life that I have for now or maybe he wants to push me away so that he can also be free from me.

I was overanalyzing the situation again.

I know our time was short so I have taken the priveledge to ride the MRT with Shawn on his way home, from north to south, eventhough Angelo was waiting for me on the MRT one station up north. Riding with him, my right shoulder touching his left shoulder meant a lot to me. It was those intimate moment that I never dreamed would come true… We talked a lot, laughed a lot, giggled a lot, like what true friends do.

The train stopped, and its parting time again, we tapped each others shoulder, bid our pleasant goodbyes, he turned his back away from me… I do hope the next food chain of the night would erase the pain that is now overwhelming me. Maybe Angelo knows the fast food chain where I can find moving on and letting go for free.

---

toot toot toot toot1 Message Received

I think dat d only reason people hold on to memories so tight is bcoz memories are d only things that don't change, wen everybody else does. - DANIEL

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

He has already requested me what he wanted and it was my job to give our orders to the attendant in the counter. When it comes to choosing which is best for both of us, I always takes his advice, the thing that he craves the most, and automatically that would also be my most favorite in the world. Those which makes the people I love happy, makes me happier.

There were three counters, all occupied simultaneously by three different individuals. In three different choices, ill only be second in line, never the priority. I guess it’s the unending rule of life: First Come, First Served.

But does that rule apply also for love? Is the lover before you more precious?

Now that the person you cherish is free from a relationship, recovering from a break up- is it about time to introduce yourself as a potential partner, turning your back to the friendship that you have?

Is choosing the person we will love truly as easy as choosing food from the enumerated and sometimes pictured delicacies printed on the illuminated signages in the counter of a fast food chain?

Can love be developed, prepared and served as quickly as the food prepared and served in a fast food chain?

Can we find true love in the person in front of us, the one who is happily eating your heart out, the unique individual that life destined you to be sharing this very special moment?

And after what has been said and done…

Can we buy “letting go” and “moving on” in the same fast food chain where we have experienced love- which was free…?

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Its already 6 in the evening and the dimlit sky is starting to accumulate angry clouds ready to wash away the dusty pavement of the granite floor of Starbucks. “He’s late again as usual” I said to myself, though a little irritated, i always manage to keep my temper cool. I think I had the gift of patience especially when my friend is named: SHAWN.

This wasn’t the first time he made me wait this long, For the record, the longest time that I spent waiting for him was around four hours, for just a measly coffee meet up. His reason: he woke up late, had to do this, and that. Fix this, fetch that. Andrew made him do those and yada yada yada yada, whatever, cant remember.

“45 minutes not that bad…”. I already had my 2nd cup of frapuccino and still im alone here.

After a big fight and a few days of cold treatment by Andrew, and because I was not used to Shawn’s low morale due to the fact that Andrew wass not talking to him at all, as per planned the surprise Dinner was successfully staged on “CLOUD”, Daniel’s popular Resto. All became happy because of that, me included, I think. Anyway as a sign of gratitude of an accomplished task, Shawn invited me to the BEYONCE concert at The fort tonight. Its still early, maybe hes just a little preoccupied as of the moment.

I tried my best to call him but sad to say, his mobile phone is out of reach…

“you wont believe what im doing here, oh my gosh, para akong tanga dito…” I said while people are passing by my sole table on the corner of the coffee shop.

A sturdy voice of an almost demanding woman was heard at the other end of the line.

“Still hoping? Loko ka, pumunta ka na lang mag-isa… ay oo nga pala, you don’t have the tickets Dahlin’ its with your Friend, so all you have to do is stay put and wait…!” I could see the grinning features of Karens’ face while saying these words. We said our goodbyes and hanged the phone.

“Where the hell are you…?” im going nuts, ive been here almost one and a half hour and still no replies on my txt messages and still the mobile phone is out of reach. I tried to call Andrews phone but it’s a futile attempt also…

Cute kid with mom and dad, the teeny boppers again, a mother and a twinky teenager tandem – I think so, Lolo and his Apo followed by three househelps, the guy in a blue polo shirt… all were busy and smiling except me…

“Hes not coming…” the voice was kinda familiar and as I slowly I straightened up my gaze to the guy in the blue polo shirt, I cant help but smile…

“How did you know? Take a seat Daniel… i wasnt expecting you here.” I said with a little grin on my face…

“Anukaba my family lineage is directly criss crossing to the family line of madam Auring…”

“Loko loko…” I said smiling and ready to laugh.

“Gotcha, haha. I was staring at you for the longest time, pero you wont budge. Ganito na lang Prince, I was supposed to go to the movies with a stranger, an Eye Ball, pero since hindi rin sya dumating, samahan mo na lang ako na manood, sige na pleaaaseee…”

“Sige na nga, if ever naman na dumating na si Shawn, ill just have to leave the movies and go with him, ok lang bayun Danny?’ I said inquiringly.

The dark place was a little crowded already, since we have reserved seats, we didn’t have any difficulty on reaching our place… but suddenly..

“oh my…” said Daniel “Can we exchange places with some other people on the back, it would make me dizzy if the screen is so much close…”

“Anukaba nasa kalagitnaan kaya tayo and this is the best place para mas maganda yung view natin sa screen… its not that close…”

“basta halika na dun sa may likod” and he slightly pulled me up the stairs and asked a couple -a girl and a boy to exchange seats with us. The couple was very glad to accept since our reserved place was really ideal.

After 15 minutes when the film rolled... I thought Bea is still beautiful, John Lloyd look ed gorgeous, but I knew from the very start that this is not the Love story that would make me go nuts and feel good… But see the effect that the film brought to the friend beside me, “naluluha na kagad sa unang scene palang” I thought to myself. The kilig was there, pero there are some things I cannot relate to. The plot thickens at the first 30 minutes of the film, I have to commend the director and the rest of the cast for the great acting. Lalo na si Bea Saw, who was really natural sa acting.

I started to feel the story when Maja’s Character came to the scene. I was moved in her attempt to heal Lloydi’s past relationship with Bea. Maja’s character was not a third party, kalaguyo, kabet or anything in that sense. She was just in love with john Lloyd. Its just a pity she was just dumped later by John Lloyd. “Mahal kita pero” is a line with so much meaning, mostly negative. It just means “Love isn’t enough to make you stay”. “mahal kita pero” bakit may “pero” pa diba.?

---

The Film ONE MORE CHANCE ended and made me smile, once in a while i am glancing on the mobile phone to check on any message… “wala, none, nada, zero”

“Can we go out the cinema a little late, medyo nangingimay lang ang paa ko…” Daniel who have been crying all the time, has evidently red eyes and red nose to prove that the Film touched him so greatly it made him sob a lot of times. Literally Daniel cant stand up because of long hours of sitting, his left feet felt cramps…

“Na wi wee- wee na ako Danny, punta lang ako ng CR then ill come back and get you, ok, I just have to burst this… just wait ill be back…”

Then without second I pranced my way down…

A mom and dad tandem, teenager lovers…

“Excuse me passing through” one step down.

A grandad with his loving and pretty grand child…

“Excuse me po, pasensya napo…” another step down the stairs

Two gay friends and two ladies, a gentleman …

“makikiraan mga ateh…” another step down

A guy in a red Shirt and his partner in Velvet jacket holding his hands. “Excu…” Then a halt. The couple did not budged coz they did not saw me passing through, they just went on their way, straight to the door, while I am fixed, standing my ground, when a hand touched my right shoulder…

“Tara na, its time to go, Ipag drive na kita pauwi…” I saw not loneliness in his eyes anymore but a cheerful and apologetic pair trying to console and pick up what has been broken, again.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

“Hey Daniel, I owe you a lot, you’re definitely the best.” With my eyebrows full of sweat, I definitely owe more than any other amount on what Danny has done for me tonight. Danny was the owner of the best Restaurant in town, “CLOUD”, which curiously was the favorite Resto of Andrew, Shawn’ boyfriend. In just short notice, that is, two hours, Daniel has agreed for me to rent the most special place of his fine Resto, the place they call “Cloud 9” literally table 9, due to the heavenly feel when you’re seated on the chairs.

“You know Prince, kung wala lang Boyfriend si Shawn, I definitely would conclude that you admire him, more than a friend, and im very sure my hunch is all correct.” Daniel replied smirking at my agitated face.

“Loko, Shawn is my friend… that’s, ummm, that’s why im doing this…”

“Oh my God, its true, youre stuttering…” Daniel blurted frantically.

“Hay naku, tumigil ka. So paano I have to go, I still have to pick up some medicines for my mom at her doctor and I don’t wanna be around when they come, again thank you.” I shook Daniels hand firmly, with my eyes full of gratitude for another accomplished mission.

“Don’t worry, nakalista lahat, and youre definitely welcome Prince.”

As I looked back on the reserved place on the left side of the fine restaurant, where me and Daniel personally arranged, the isolated table was gorgeously decorated with simple Holland Tulip’s Andrew’s favorite flower, on the middle was a candle, ready to be lit and just nearby was a two piece string orchestra for the nights event. Howd I wish I would be the one sitting on the opposite side of Shawn’s chair, but of course it would never be me, coz I cannot place myself on Andrews shoes.

"Teka Prince, i would like you to meet JR nga pala. I hired him without you knowing, kakanta sya nung theme song nila mamaya when they arrive. Cool idea huh?" The moreno looking guy approached me, Daniel on the middle, introducing us.

I turned my back on the Restaurant smiling, but my smile vanished instantly the moment I entered my car. Am I doing too much for Shawn? I thought to my self… I looked on my watch and its already 8 PM, “Another skipped meal”, said my brain while my stomach was growling in agony. I took my phone and started to dial Shawn’s number, but before I was able to press the call button, I hesitated and just typed a simple SMS for him:

“Its all set, enjoy the night.ü”

5, 10, 15 minutes, I waited for a reply.

None.

That’s what I thought.

“You did great Gabriel, I love you”

(Again its me talking to my self.)

---

“Son, how was your day…?” My mom approached me, hugged me and kissed my cheek. Eventhough I was already in my late 20s, my mom will never get tired of hugging and kissing his only son. And this was just the right moment when I needed a kiss and a hug badly.

“Ahhhm, may problema, I know… accomplished again, for a friend?” My mum said inquiring, I never bulged and tried to hide what I feel.

“Wala, Ma! Na miss ko lang kayo…!” I said as I handed over her favorite cake and a packet of her medicines. “Don’t over eat, Ma ha, its already late and you have to sleep early or better yet ill place this on the Ref first, kainin na lang natin tomorrow.”

I started my way up to my room to rest when my mom spoke again.

“Ok anak, oh where are you going, Kumain ka na ba?”

“Ma tapos na po… night night.” I lied

This was just those days that I skipped meals to do a task for specifically for Shawn. And this was the third time a friend asked if I Love Shawn, First was my mom, then Karen an officemate and then Daniel. All answers were unanimously “NO, SHAWN IS MY FRIEND”.

I was really exhausted with the preparations that me and Daniel made for Shawn’s surprise dinner for Andrew. It was one of the numerous events that I was involved in their relationship, I knew all along that their relationship as of the moment was “ON THE ROCKS”, due to primarily SHAWN’s insentivity. This is one of the attempts to regain what was lost between Shawn and Andrew. All because of Shawn happiness.

“Hay naku, love really can move mountains.” Its me reffering to Shawn and Andrew and not on what I feel for Shawn, or its also applicable.

---

The night was wonderful coz he never gave me the opportunity to sleep, “duh”, I said to myself while browsing my phone. Its already 4:00 am and still no reply from him. I just went thorugh again for the Nth time Daniels message:

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

“Just stay the night, just tonight for old times sake, our last bonding moment, im lonely you know, ever since Andrew left me… and now its you, who are leaving me behind…”

His tender words still strikes hard on me, the ghost of our five month old conversation still echoes in my ears. It has been a five months since Shawn, ceased communications with me. He might be angry at me or something in that sense, well that’s what I think, but it was quite understandable because he was the last to know about my decision to leave, worse I didn’t even told him my plans. I don’t know my reasons, why I did that to him, for he usually knows my plans- from morning to the time I sleep until the time I wake up to the next couple of days, my plans for the next month or the succeeding year, he knows all of that. Shawn on the other hand never planned anything; he usually scolds me with the cliché “Live your life one day at a time”. That’s why maybe Andrew left him, he never had plans for their future or worse for himself.

Shawn has been my very dear friend for years now, and ever since ive set my eyes on his, I already knew that he was special. I stared on the passenger seat of my car and I thought I saw his silhouette, while holding a cup of his favorite coffee… and making that irritable noise that always make me smile. I never intended to love him, I don’t really know why cupid has destined me to be just a friend to a person who I truly love. Ill always be Shawn's second priority, never been the first. Andrew was indeed very lucky to have him. I really cant figure out what went wrong with their three year old relationship to just end in a swift manner months ago. I mean their relationship was older than my friendship with them. I always thought that they’ll last, eventhough it makes my heart bleed to see them happy, what more can I do but to smile and laugh with them, for that’s what friends do best, to be happy when their happy, eventhough youre not really… He believes and always states that “one should not fall in love with a friend”… came from his famous “friendship code”…

“You are selfish, Prince, why did you never told me this, this… this... cold treatment aint doin good on me or you, you never included me in your grandest plan, you planned this, to exclude me…”

I never budged, when Shawn said those words, I really understand what he had said, all these time, I have been selfish to him. I never said my true feelings , for that I became an enemy he always had been avoiding. And the leaving song is already upon us. I still feel Shawns warm chest, when I hugged him that night. He almost broke down as if hes gonna cry, but he didn’t. Maybe that’s the power that a hug could give - security, strength, warmth. The hug was indeed tight and my nose still smells the perfume that that he wore, and the scent of the shampoo that he used that day.

“Im sorry I had to leave you Shawn, I know youre strong.”

I recall that I was the first one to loosen my hug, turned my back and went into the door, opened it and ran towards my car, almost crying. Indeed I was the enemy of my own war. And the enemy is winning

Its been the longest rainy season without him, and I never heard anything from Shawn which is strange, really. I am not used to this because all of my activities was reported on to him and he had always checked on me if im safely home or still in gimik places, which is of course as Shawn has always said… “A duty of a friend”.

I still recall the last txt message that he sent me…

“Nothings gonna be the same again…” he sent this one after a couple of days after we last met each other. And it seems my love for him was stronger than the urge to leave him completely. I tried to make amends and tried to reach out again. But to no avail hes either busy, out of town or just as elusive as the stars in daytime. The act of leaving and forgetting that I should be doing was being accomplished by Shawn for me…

“Mom im home.” I yelled as I opened my car and briskly walked on the living room to see her put down the receiver of the phone. “Who was that, mom?” I asked her in hopes that Shawn has changed his mind and wanted to see me for the last time…

My mom smiled as if she was teasing me… “Its Shawn…” she giggled “He wanted to see you on your favorite tambayan, I ask where, but he only answered that you already knew… its 3pm sharp”

My pale eyes started to glitter, that’s what my mom said actually. Though it wasn’t in my plans to meet someone on the day before our flight, I think I could just squeeze him in, besides according to his “FRIENDSHIP CODE” it’s a mortal sin not to accept an invitation from a friend who you didn’t see for quite sometime, well I can consider the months long silence to fit in his “quite sometime” phrase

I dreamt once that in this battle called life I was a damsel in distress in need of a hero… A Damsel who has the right reasons to be weak and in need of someone to save me with their weapons and chivalry. And eventhough just in my dreams Shawn is my Knight in Shining Armor.