Microsoft Word's loathsome Clippy, the Crazy Crab of application mascots, is making a comeback. Yes, really. Killed off in 2007, Microsoft is now using him as the tutorial host introducing you to the wonders of the latest round of whatever useless bloatware they're heaping on Office.

Yes, we turned Office into a game! If you're going to spend time immersed in the inner workings of Office, by golly it should be fun. [...] Discover new Office features by actually using them, with a hint button to fall back on in case you get stuck. Race for a high score with colleagues, classmates and friends, or even put your score on your resume to show off your Office skills!

For those of you who have been paying attention, we've done this before. That's how we got the "2" on the end of the title. So what's different? *deep breath* Clippy, comic strips, colorful graphics, surprise animations, multiple levels, time travel, upside-down Clippy, space ships, Greek Gods, bow-and-arrow battles, and a ton of useful Office features.

Fine, awesome. If Clippy wants to prove he's atoned for his sins, he can guide me through three levels that answer these simple questions:

• How the fuck do I turn off the automatic hyperlinking every time I enter a web address. Hold on, wait, wait - no, wait a fucking minute, NO DON'T OPEN THE GODDAMN BROWSER. Fuck! This is a word processor not Internet Explorer 4!

• God fucking dammit, I want to set Times New Roman 12 as my default typeface. No, open the goddamn document with Times New Roman 12 as the starting typeface. FUCK OFF GENEVA. How the fuck do I do this?! Where are the preferences? What the fuck!

• Jesus fucking Christ, you piece of shit, quit changing the goddamn font and text size and indenting it every time I backspace. STOP IT. STOP IT. How the fuck do I stop that?