Why I Don’t Want To Be Married Again

Animals in zoos need keepers. I don’t. But after hearing about my online dating fiascos a friend said, “Don’t give up. I hope you’ll find a keeper.” The dictionary defines “keeper” as “an attendant, or guard. One that has the charge or care of something.” Why would I want that?

Consider the term “kept woman,” generally reserved for the Other Woman–you know, the one without stretch marks who presumably enjoyed a long-term salacious relationship with a married man who paid the rent and fringe benefits. Was that so different from traditional marriages like mine in which the man “brought home the bacon” and the woman was lover, companion and live-in help?

During my 17-year child-raising hiatus we lived on my husband’s salary. He’d earned it, so he felt free to spend it. “Look,” my daughter shouted, “Daddy’s driving a new red convertible!” He’d splurged on a set of wheels unfit for carpooling; then another time on a fishing boat. But if I had my eye on a pricey pendant, I wouldn’t buy it for myself. I’d hint and hope. Would he buy it for me? Had I been a good little wife?

I’m not the only woman of my vintage who doesn’t want to hear wedding bells again. Would I welcome a close relationship with a man? Yes! Do I want him to invade my space 24/7? No! An old song says, “Love and marriage, they go together like a horse and carriage.” Well Tra La La, who do you think rides in the carriage, and who pulls it? The lyrics maintain: “You can’t have one without the other.” (I told you it was an old song.)

My mother was “the perfect woman” for two lucky men. Their needs always came before hers, because they worked hard all day (like she didn’t!). Widowed twice, after 50 years of married life when she tried on her new single status, it felt good: not binding, plenty of room to grow. No more, “The girls are going to a movie. Oh? You said we’d play bridge? I’ll say I’m busy.” Or, “Sure, we can skip the party. I’ll make dinner.” She luxuriated in her late-life freedom. She took up oil painting and sang in a choir. She and her also-single friends bought season tickets for the symphony and ballet. Before, when our family visited she’d spend every possible moment with us. Not anymore. “We’re going to the beach, want to come?” “You go ahead, dear. I’m going to take a bath.”

Now I’m on my own after a 40-year marriage. I miss my husband but understand how mom felt. Sure, I’d like a man in my life for fun, companionship and affection. But share my space on a full-time basis? When the clock strikes bedtime, I want to be home. Alone.

I eat what I want to when I feel like it. Meals are like Saturday Night Live skits: I use whatever’s available and have it fork ready in 5 minutes. The clock starts when I scope out the fridge, freezer and pantry and ends when I sit down to eat. Do I want to confer with my male buddy about what to have or where to go for breakfast, lunch and dinner? In the time that would take I could fix and scarf down whatever meal we were discussing.

I hated having a roommate in college but happily traded privacy and my own space for the loving comfort of marriage. That was fine until the kids left home. After that, our lives were on different tracks. He was retired, happy to be at home; I held a demanding, exhilarating job that included lots of travel. I could relate to comedian Rodney Dangerfield’s comment, “We sleep in separate rooms, have dinner apart, take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”

On a real estate blog, “Living Apart Together: Separate Spaces Keep Couples Close,” one happy couple posted: “Our living arrangement gives us the best of both worlds: togetherness when we want it, alone time when we don’t.” The author predicts that a growing sense of independence within relationships could lead more modern couples to “live apart together.” In fact, solo oldies lucky enough to find a loving partner are inventing new variations on the togetherness theme. Rather than merging households, some couples maintain their own homes; others take separate apartments in the same building. Builders are offering condos with two master suites.

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In online dating profiles, for “relationship preferences” I check, “Friend, activity partner, companion.” I do not check “marriage,” because chances are, men who miss their traditional marriages are looking for a keeper.

My friends think I’m crazy when I say this! I was married less than 20 years and have been divorced almost as long. I eat weird stuff, usually in my chair with a book, when I feel like eating. Weekdays have a tight schedule, so I try to keep weekends open for whatever I want to do. I have three dogs and the hair bothers me, but not enough to sweep every single day.

My comeback for the question, “Don’t you want to get married again?” is “Where would he put his stuff? The closets are full!”

I agree! I am settling for nothing less than a duplex with an adjoining door. I love having and living in my own space. This does not preclude a relationship and, in my case, probably makes it healthier since I am happier 🙂

Amen to that! My husband of thirty-six years died in 2012. We had been together for thirty-eight years, all my adult life to that point. People ask me all the time if I’m dating, or “do you think you will marry again?”. I respond with a resounding “NO!”.
In my experience, men of my age are looking for a keeper as you say, and I already took care of one person who I loved with all my heart, and that was tough. I would not do it for someone who I would barely have the chance to know before getting into that again. Once bitten-twice shy ha ha!
I love the fact that I can go out when I like, come home when I like, eat whatever and whenever I like and accept or decline invitations as I choose. I go on vacation when I like and with whom I like. I spent so long having no time to myself at all that I soak up every moment of alone time I can get nowadays.
It’s been two years and I miss him every day. But I have absolutely no desire to “replace” him with another man I have to care for or consider before myself.

It seems to me that the situations that are described in the article and in the reactions have nothing to do with marriage itself but with the way the women in those particular situations accepted that their marriage would be. I get that you give priority to your husband’s wishes because you think that this is the way things should be. But it remains a personal choice. Nothing prevents you from demanding your husband to also take your wishes and needs into account. Both persons in a marriage should give and take. This is BTW how the younger generations do it.

Such a wonderful piece and very relatable! Bravo to the author for finally putting her own needs first, something most women spend a lifetime neglecting to do. Women can stand on their own and Barbara shows how liberating doing so can be.

I so agree with this article. This is exactly what I have been saying for so long. After years of thinking I needed a man and never finding the right fit, I’m finally at the stage where I realize that the reason I’ve never found the man of my dreams is because he doesn’t exist – I am actually the man of my dreams lol. So now I’m at peace with my life as it is and truly enjoying it. I’ve raised my kids alone, my home is almost paid off and I have plenty of friends to go out with if I want to. It’s funny that when I was in my 20’s and 30’s and yes even my 40’s, the men were looking to be free and unencumbered and women were looking for their perfect mate. Now that I’m in my 50’s I find that the whole thing is reversed – the men are the ones looking for a companion to take care of them in their old age and the women are the ones who are happily independent. Funny how things change!

Nice piece, Barbara! I agree that living alone can be wonderfully freeing in many ways, but I also agree with TooSmart who says that we have the power to make a marriage work the way we want it to. Of course, this doesn’t always happen, but the younger generation has some new models that do.

Happily married 35 years, but I have to admit I enjoy it when Hubs goes on a business trip for a few days! I enjoy a few days of not being asked what we’re doing for dinner. If I outlive my husband, I don’t think I’ll remarry either. I sing in a choir with several widows, and while some of them date, none of them want to re-marry. Many had enjoyed long happy marriages to good men that they buried and sometimes still miss today. They enjoy their freedom to travel when and where they wish, and live their lives independently. These ladies all say the men they meet are looking for caretakers. Funny how Mother Nature works!

I have provided couples counselling for many years. It’s an unfortunate generalization that most men don’t have the wherewithal to maintain a relationship, and many times (not always, because I’ve certainly seen the reverse) the woman is alone in the relationship. Some women are willing to sacrifice their lives to an empty marriage, while others decide they are better off alone, especially if they recognize the damage to their wellbeing through living in close proximity to someone who is unconnected to them, and who may even be quite critical or rejecting.

This behaviour tends to heighten over time, especially if the woman has tired of reining in the worst of it, and the thought of coming to the end of one’s life in abject misery is why so many older women are calling it quits.

I also live alone. Sometimes, it get lonesome, but i accept it. When I had my divorce 20 years ago, I met a man who I think was a perfect fit for me. Smart, good conversationalist, carry himself well, clean fingernails, shoes and all. WE dated and after 6 months, he asked to marry me. I declined. After my divorce, I vowed not to marry again. i stuck to that!.. This man accepted my decline to marry him. And we continued to go out together, go on vacation together..separate households. It was nice. He asked to have keys to my house. I said ,Id rather not. he asked to move in, so he can rent his house. I again declined on that! THAT was a red flag for me when he said, he will rent his house. I did not misled him. I also told him that if this arrangement is not favorable to him..,,he is free to find that good mate or mix. I told him I love him but on separate households. he lives 15 mins away from me.I told him I like us to grow old together but separate. He accepted it….I am an RN and financially independent. I have a beautiful 5 bedroom house and a beautiful garden that I enjoy. Am a career, professional that works in Surgery… We went to movies, dinner, weekend get- and just plain enjoying ourselves watching the sunset, shopping, golfing etc. And then I began to see RED FLAGS. He started borrowing money from me. I helped him, of course , cause he has helped me when I was sick. I made a promissory note for his borrowed money which he paid in increments. And then I noticed he was a big time gambler. And then I noticed some changes in his house. It has become cluttery and disorganized. I tried to help organize and clean . And then I saw some advertized ONLINE dating . I did not tell him i saw it.. I began to lose respect of him. Some of his dinner invites, I said no. am tired…. And then he wants to borrow money again…….THis time, I am so sure that I will not be with this guy and have to be careful and observant.I did not have a happy stance anymore. I was not mean to him, nor have an ugly demeanor. I do not like this guy anymore. I congratulated myself silently for STICKING to my own belief and agenda. I WILL NOT COHABITATE,GIVE THE KEYS TO any MAN. Or definitely not marry again. I am content and confident of my liefstyle and tho it gets lonesome at times, I REASSURE and RESTRENGTHEN myself by saying..there are a lot of women out there in worst condition than I am. I have accepted my LIFESTYLE as solo…. solo in everything, except when I am with friends… For I believe that at some point in all our lives, we will all LIVE ALONE by virtue of separation, divorce and even DEATH!. I accept the PROS and CONS of living alone.