Next
They'll Tell Us bin Laden's Learnt to Live Under WaterBy Mark
Steel, The Independent,
8 November 2001

A subtle change took place
in the war coalition's strategy this week, when the Foreign Secretary Jack
Straw referred to Osama bin Laden not as "evil" but "psychotic and paranoid".
So maybe they're planning to sort it out by getting him to see a shrink.
He could lie on a couch listing the reasons why he imagines someone might
be out to get him, and the psychiatrist could say "Hmm, I don't think cluster
bombs are the real issue here, Osama."However, if he said a triangular
ink blot reminded him of his mother, it wouldn't mean he was mad because
ALL women in Afghanistan look like that.

How can you be paranoid when the
President of the United States has announced he wants you dead or alive?
Perhaps he's claiming 30 daisy-cutter bombs are landing an hour, when in
fact there are only 25. But Straw isn't on his own with this analysis,
as French President Jacques Chirac and George Bush have both used the same
words this week. Coincidence? Or are they synchronizing their insults?
The trouble is they've already used all the good ones up. Next week they'll
be saying: "He stinks, he does. Like a polecat, apparently."

There must also be a hierarchy with
these names. Because while the leaders used the official "psychotic", lowly
Peter Hain in the Foreign Office had to call him boring old "murderous".
Backbenchers were probably told to say "He's a ruddy menace, and that's
swearing."

Bill Clinton, to show he's not out
of the loop, said Americans weren't cowards like bin Laden because "we
don't hide in caves". Which ignores the fact that a) there are no caves
in Washington, and b) none the less George Bush tried as hard as he could
to find one when the 11 September attacks took place.

Bush also claimed this week that
bin Laden could soon have nuclear weapons. What's he talking about? So
far their weaponry has amounted to a set of knives. It would make more
sense to say: "If we don't stop them now, in a few years they'll have a
tin opener."

The evidence Bush offered for this
nuclear bomb revelation was: "I wouldn't put it past him." The next item
of proof will be Tony Blair adding: "That's just the sort of thing he'd
do." This is as convincing as a bloke down the pub. Maybe Jack Straw joins
them and says: "I tell you what I've heard, they reckon he's learnt to
live underwater. He pops up once a week to take a breath and make a video,
then whoosh, back down he goes. My brother told me, and he's in the Territorial
Army."

I'm no scientist, but don't nuclear
bombs require power stations and processing plants and technical experts
and vast launch-sites with millions of buttons? You can't just buy a lap-top
one that works off a battery in a cave.

There ARE nuclear weapons in dangerous
hands in that region, like Pakistan. And Israel. But the Americans have
just dealt with that worry by offering the Israelis a further $2bn of military
aid, so they can parade the very latest in shiny new missiles. Whereas
the annual parade of the Taliban army must involve their defense secretary
announcing "Look what I've found, everybody", before unveiling a really
huge stone.

If the Afghans ARE mad, they must
have a surplus of madness they've been posting to the West. Newspapers
show photos of smiling troops under the headline "Ready to Fight". Which
is handy. As opposed to normal armies in wartime that say "What, NOW? But
I haven't washed my hair. Ring up and say we'll be over about nine."

Most hurtful of all, Bush told Chancellor
Schröder that America had no greater friend than the Germans. The
hussy. We can only hope Tony doesn't find out or he'll be devastated. Maybe
that's why he's nipped over to Washington, to say: "George, how could you?
All those things you said and then I hear you've said the same to another
country. But I forgive you. Oh I'm sorry for being cross, let me make it
up to you. I'll go to Syria again, anywhere you like."

And all of this to replace the Taliban
with the Northern Alliance, led by a bloke called Dostum who is not only
as bad as the Taliban, he's been in the Taliban.

In fact he's swapped sides several
times and clearly has the attitude of a Premier League footballer. He'll
be two days from taking Kabul, then his agent will announce a press conference
and he'll be holding up a bin Laden shirt and kissing it for the Taliban's
fans. Then he'll make a short statement: "This is a fantastic opportunity
and the motivation isn't money but the chance to play alongside some of
the finest terrorists in the world."

There's already a hint of this with
approaches being made to the "moderate" members of Taliban. What on earth
is a moderate Taliban? Do they let you have a small shandy? Or allow kite-flying
in certain restricted areas or women to expose a nostril on a hot day?

Or maybe they're all talking cobblers,
and as soon as the new lot's in we'll discover they're all evil stinky
paranoid psychotics and have to start all over again.