Christian

Throughout your life FEAR will always find a way to make a guest appearance. FEAR will never show up without a story…a story from your past that replays in your present and future mind that has convinced you that you will not succeed if you tried again or even tried at all. The details in the story are so believable and difficult to imagine past the pain. You have carried that pain because you have convinced yourself that you can’t do it. But I’m here to report to you that as I continue to work on every area of my life that is still dealing with FEAR, there is one area of my life that I conquered FEAR after several years of replaying the story….

I call this blog “Fear 2.0”

I was in middle school at a pool party and while standing at the edge of the pool one of the boys at the party was playing around with some of the people there and as he was running around, he came by me and with both hands, pushed me from behind into the 8 feet part of the pool. All I can remember is me fighting the water terrified because I could not swim. While in the water bobbing up and down, I managed to fight my way to the side of the pool and I pulled myself up as much as I could then I felt the help of 2 adults. In my mind I was drowning but I don’t know if that was known at the time until I was able to catch my breath and then I said to the 2 adults that helped me that I was drowning in the pool and I then pointed to the boy who threw me in. I asked to be picked up early from the party due to being embarrassed and humiliated and the little boy got in trouble. This is the incident that birthed the FEAR of swimming.

Fast-forward to 2005: I am now a young adult in my 20’s and I took a trip to Hawaii for my birthday with a girlfriend. I told her I could not swim but I would try snorkeling since you didn’t have to go out into the deep parts of the water. My thought was I could just stick my face in the water with my facemask and head out maybe 2 or 3 hundred yards from the shoreline. It was an epic fail. The girlfriend that was with me didn’t know how to speak to my fear and help me develop the confidence and knowledge I needed in order to snorkel. It doesn’t make her a bad person at all but it was a reminder to me that conquering fear not only is an inside job but it also includes having the right people in your life who can speak directly to that fear.

Fast-forward to 2014: I reached a point of no return with fear and finally got up the nerve to tell a friend that I needed to learn how to swim so one Saturday in the summer time we went to an indoor pool at a recreation center and he spoke to my fear. He convinced me to put my trust in him and not fear by stating his credentials and experience. The longer he talked and showed me in the water that I was in good hands, the more trust I developed in him. After a few hours of applying the technique that he taught me, he slowly let my hand go but stayed in arms reach as I successfully, for the first time, swam a lap across the 8 foot depth of water to the opposite end of the pool. I kept swimming until fear was completely eliminated from my mind.

Fast Forward to 2019 – January 7th – 11th I took a vacation with a girlfriend to St. Lucia and at the time did not know she was not only an amazing swimmer but her favorite thing to do on vacation was to snorkel.

Even though I was now confident in my swimming ability, I still had a fear about snorkeling that never left me from that Epic Fail in Hawaii that still played in my mind. I told her my fear with snorkeling and she convinced me to put my trust in her and not fear by stating her credentials and experience. The longer she talked and showed me in the water that I was in good hands, the more trust I developed in her

She never stops talking to me in the process, which gave fear no opportunity to replay my mental story

Slowly but surely I’m snorkeling…the epic fail from 2005 convinced me that the rambling of the sound of water which reminded me of the fight I had in the pool as a young girl in middle school robbed me of a beautiful experience. Now as an adult I am blown away at the quietness of the water and the visible beauty of the fish and the coral of the ocean. I jumped out of the water and said out loud in amazement how quiet it is underwater and how proud I am that I can enjoy this experience without fear. This snorkeling experience allowed me to see some beautiful sergeant major fish as my girlfriend threw bread at me so that she could snap the perfect picture.

While conquering one fear, another fear made an encore appearance but in a different form. You see, fear is very sneaky and will show up when you least expect it. What I learned about the difference between Fear and Truth is that fear is False Evidence Appearing Real and believing Truth in a matter means conformity to fact or reality. In both situations the 2 individuals that were with me when fear tried to replay the story of failure in my mind, they both presented credentials and evidence in order for me to conquer fear. That’s the power of TRUTH. It will always have real evidence to confirm it’s validity but Fear will make false claims that will always look and feel like its real.

It’s not necessary to always have someone there in order to conquer fear because you have the power to change that fear in you on your own but in my case, God positioned the right people around me who helped me to develop the confidence and skills in order to combat fear. Question? If you took inventory of the people around you do they have the ability to help you fight fear? As you continue to live, you will begin to understand the importance of connections and attachments. While connections will feed you (ex: enhance your well being), attachments will drain you (ex: take more than it gives and rarely if ever reciprocate what’s being given). Fear has to be conquered from the inside out so monitor the voices in you and around you.

Annually for the past 10 years I would do a 21 day fast the first 21 days of a New Year. It’s my personal way to spiritually cleanse not only my body but my mind and to seek guidance from the holy spirit concerning my life, assignments that God have put in me to do and my overall journey to becoming the woman of God that He has destined me to be. But this year, God “flipped the script” on me and in my prayer time unctioned me to fast the LAST 21 days of the year going into the New Year and today is day 21. I wanted to share a ‘few’ things that have happened in the last 21 days.

When I think it through, the holidays are ALWAYS hard and honestly I just want to close my eyes and wake up to a New Year as a way to ‘bypass’ experiencing another holiday without my mom or a family of my own. But God always orchestrates my time and company constructively. He fills that void with family and friends that reach out to me intentionally to make sure they extend an invite and I’m forever grateful. It took me years to understand and accept to appreciate and celebrate the ones that are here and make their presence in your life known.

On my 21 day Sabbatical I ‘stepped away’ from all of my social media activity. However, because I am an artist and still receive inquiries about bookings through my personal page, I did log on to redirect those inquires to my booking manager. I didn’t scroll or look at my timeline….I know, it was tempting but I was in a good place with the time away and I was hearing God instruct in several areas of my life in a “clear and precise” manner without distractions and that became more important for me to get back to so the temptation was very short lived.

So what did I do? Here are a few things I want to share:

I had the honor and privilege to speak at a women’s conference called,”Im God’s Girl For Real” in Orlando, FL and was sitting next to a one of the speakers name Candice Jones who wrote a book called,”Food For Faith – 14 Days of Powerful Declarations To Fuel Your Faith.” I read this book the first 14 days of my 21 day fast and these declarations reinforced my love for God and my FAITH. The remaining 7 days, I would go back and re-read my declarations. This book is a must read. Please visit http://www.candicejones.com to get your copy!

I started the Keto Diet after 2 weeks of research on my own and testimonies from a co-work who’s wife has been dedicated for almost a year. I downloaded the e-book,”Getting Sexy With Kendra – Living A Ketogenic Lifestyle” and this girl is BAD! *smile*….In a nutshell the regimen is based on high fat, moderate protein and low carbohydrates. This forces the body to use dietary and bodily fats as it’s primary energy source, rather than running on carbohydrates; this is called ketosis. I have had to make some adjustments to my macros as my body had to adjust to this change and let’s just say, I’m definitely headed in the right direction! I feel amazing and this journey continues on~

I will be a first time author in 2019 and this time has been spent working on 2 major books that are very personal to me that I started years ago but have struggled to finish for various reasons. A book about my mom and her health journey and what God showed me and continues to show me with the hopes that someone will be encouraged and blessed by my testimony. My other book will be my long awaited poetry book. I was able to really focus and go deep in my heart, mind and soul on these two projects and I’m excited about releasing them to the public.

When was the last time you ‘stepped away?’ from the digital world because the pull on your life was felt in such a powerful way? Did you obey that feeling or did you make excuses? Sure, I have a consistent online presence and I’m sure my followers would be wondering what’s going on but where does your devotion truly lie as it relates to you life for real? Distractions are not always bad and they are not always good but they can affect productivity and that is what God showed me about ‘me.’ In my idle time, I habitually would pick my phone up and scroll through my social media sites and God told me that you are not using your time ‘wisely’ and your assignments are being delayed. It arrested me in a way that I will do no justice in trying to ‘explain,’ so I obeyed and God downloaded more the plan and purpose for my life to me. I’m still going through what He said and i’m looking forward to sharing my spirit….

2019…….as declared by my pastor, Anthony Murray of Oasis Church, the year of INVESTMENT….2018 was the year of PREPARATION. My first year being a resident of Atlanta, GA was spent preparing and growing publicly and privately but what I have gained in insight PRIVATELY? To be continued……

Happy New Years Eve….May you enter into a New Year with a renewed mind:-)

It’s been almost 2 months since I have been back from my mission trip to Haiti! What a life changing trip and one that has taken some time to process! I thought as soon as I got back, I would be able to jump right on my laptop and type away but it has been months of reflecting and processing this experience. While there has been many things that are going on in my life, Haiti has been playing in my mental ‘background’ and after several attempts of starting and stopping this blog about my trip, I finally got to a place of completion. I decided to break up this experience into 2 parts calling this blog entry Part 1. So here it goes::::

My girlfriend Jessica and I

both voiced a desire to do a mission trip so earlier this year she attended an interest meeting in Charlotte, NC with an organization called Love One Another Ministries International,

passed me the details and the rest is history! We both signed up and had our first mission trip experience together. This mission trip was scheduled for Sunday, July 1, 2018 to Saturday, July 7, 2018 but it didn’t quite go as planned. I’ll explain later in the blog….

I had a very ‘brief’ moment of hesitancy that I only told a few people while I was deciding on taking the mission trip. It was a moment where I became concerned with a slew of ‘what-if’s’ and God reminded me that He is the great “I AM”. He gave me a sense of peace that will revisit me in a real moment of potential danger while in Haiti. If you have never been to Haiti, outside of Labadee (a port that is a private resort leased to Royal Caribbean Cruises), my prayer is that this blog will give insight along with highlighting my personal account of what I experienced before and after the trip.

I knew some basic things about Haiti before traveling there like the blatant races tension between Haiti and the Dominican Republic who both share the island and how visiting both countries in certain parts can be like night and day based on your skin complexion. As far as natural disasters, Haiti has experienced their fair share. The earthquake in Port Au Prince in 2010 resulted in over 230, 000 deaths, another 300,000 injured and displaced 1.5 million people. While still trying to recover from the earthquake, Haiti endured disaster from Hurricane Matthew in 2016 and Hurricane Irma hit in 2017, leaving thousands of deaths and literally very little time for rebuild between the two hurricanes. Not only has the country suffered from natural disasters but also from the corruption in the government that has deeply deprived the people from resources and opportunities. The country is not poor but the people are. The land is RICH with resources that have been stolen from other countries including the U.S. Some may say but there are multiple mission organizations, private and public, that have given back and brought many resources to the country. Yes, that’s true. But what one of my ministry leaders explained to me made sense, “The number one issue with organizations coming to Haiti is the continuity. Many come and help but there is no sustainability. More than just receiving food and supplies, the people need to also be taught how to be self-sufficient and self-sustaining.” So while there, I made it my business to have multiple conversations with the ministry leaders and some of the locals to get a personal account of what the Haitians have had to endure over the years. History books and News Networks are all good but to talk to people IN Haiti for me was empowering as I took notes like a reporter to later go back to read and digest.

When we landed in Haiti, I was taking it all in. As soon as I got off the plane, we had a short walk to the baggage claim area where it was chaotic to say the least. No air conditioning but everyone trying to grab his or her bags and exit out. We were greeted by our driver and loaded up to head to our hotel. While sitting in the van and driving through the city of Cap-Haitien, my eyes were astonished at what I was seeing. My mind immediately started to go through the Rolodex of countries I have visited over the years to find commonality. This level of poverty wasn’t new to me but I felt it differently based on all of my travels. Sure poverty is everywhere and hard to escape and trust me, while on a mission trip, there is no escaping mentally or physically. When we ventured out to the shelter where ministry took place for 3 and a half days, there was trash and puddles of mixed pollutants everywhere. The smells of some of the areas was not automatically known to my senses but for me, I compartmentalized it so that I can serve with my whole heart. I had never seen a community well before but would hear about fundraisers for getting wells placed in local areas in countries where people could not afford to have a private water source. I witnessed to some hard reality and after day one of visiting the shelter, you could only imagine that the word got out quickly. During the visit the team was split into two groups that assisted with clinical help that included administering medicines and bible studying.

When we returned on day 2 there were double the amount of people..Whoa! But the ministry team was prepared and accommodated everyone with a meal but to get to the meal, you had to sit through bible study and if you were there for medical attention, you had to be present until your number was called. I assisted with bible study teaching and had a front of the room view of the faces of the adults and children. The kids were so loving and kind and greeted every adult respectively with “Madame” which never got old hearing. It makes me smile just thinking about it. Every day that we will get ready to eat for lunch, our ministry leaders will communicate to line up to receive a sandwich and drink. Sure you would expect the normal pushing or jumping line but I witnessed to that and more. It was as if there was no confidence in being told that there is enough for everyone and everyone will get served. In my mind I was trying to imagine how would I respond if I haven’t ate in days and didn’t know where my next meal was coming? It didn’t matter that there were a box of sandwiches and a cooler of drinks right in front of them because their reality was going to go on beyond a few days of us being there so for them it was an ‘every man for themselves’ response to instructions. I got it but it was hard to watch. In my mind I knew I was doing a good deed but what could I do that would help beyond this trip? It felt like it wasn’t enough because when I go home, this will still be the same situation for them.

I ate fresh food from the land everyday that made me question what am I REALLY eating back in the U.S?

Once I returned from the mission trip, I begin to take my food intake more seriously and begin researching GMO’s more closely. I started buying more organic food choices from the market and started using ingredients to prepare my food and monitoring any process food that I was buying. I have begun the process of eliminating chicken out of my diet. Currently I don’t eat pork and that has been the case for over 20 years and with beef, only eating it when I crave it because of me being anemic. I never tasted a mango THAT good and sweet! I had fresh plantains from the tree, fresh fish caught that morning and prepared that same day, fresh eggs from chickens on the land, just to name a few items. There were also local food variety as well. Here is what was so crazy to me. When in the U.S, my body is accustom to eating every 3 to 4 hours and while in Haiti, due to ministering for several hours after eating, it was sometimes 5 to 6 hours later before my next meal and I was not starving in between meals. What I was eating was sustaining me for hours and my energy level was still in tact. Another kicker, I lost weight. Ha! So you know it was definitely a lot of reflecting I was doing on my food intake and the importance of fresh ingredients in all meals once I returned.

Friday, July 6th there was a news story that broke out about protest taking place in Port Au Prince concerning the IMF – International Monetary Fund. They were discussing the current gasoline contract that was going to expire on Saturday, July 7th and since no negotiations for a new contract agreement was not in place, Haiti woke up to a 38% increase in gasoline prices the morning of July 7th and the protesting that started in Port Au Prince made its way to Cap-Haitien. After breakfast we canceled plans for that day and thought it would be best to get a jump-start on making our way to the airport. While in route to the airport we were notified via text from the airline that the flight was cancelled. We decided to still try to make it to the airport to hopefully get rebooked only to be stopped by a local who said to our driver, ”If you continue on you will be putting your life in danger so it’s best to turn around,” in which he did. There were a mix of emotions from everyone in the van because in that moment it got REAL. For me, in that moment, that guy stopping us was an ‘Angel’ because if he didn’t stop us, we would have been right in the middle of chaos! And who knows how that could have ended. As I discerned the situation and observed how mindful and cautious my ministry leaders were with putting our safety first, I experienced God’s peace in the mist of it all. It was overwhelming and it overtook me. His peace didn’t bring tears but for me a calmness and quiet response. My trust for the Lord over my life became bigger than that moment. It’s REALLY hard to explain but I had another ah-ha moment in my relationship that helped me to not question who He is in my life and how he truly ‘Got Me’ in every sense of the phrase…God Got Me….Peace will bring many different responses because I have been at peace and moved to tears but this time, it was as if his love wrapped around me like the arms of someone who loves you unconditionally. There is no greater feeling on earth when I think about both examples. *Smile*

Oh Haiti….

I hope that I left a mark that showed you in that moment how much you have changed my life. I have many amazing experiences and this one easily makes one in my top 5. With this being my first mission trip I returned home with a ‘heavy’ heart and mind. I also thought to myself that I’ve heard a lot of mission trip stories but I don’t recall anyone talking in-depth on how a mission trip has such a mental effect. My deed didn’t feel like it helped enough. Was it enough time spent in the country to make a difference? Does it count if I didn’t solve the problem but contributed a portion of love and ministry to their hearts? Was some of the conversations I had with locals about life and Jesus enough to provoke change in their lives? Yeah, I beat myself up and I had to say no Charlene, your contribution was a part of a bigger effort and God used multiple people to fulfill his plan and purpose. Your contribution mattered and even though your seed did not produce an immediate harvest, it will in God’s timing.

He quickly reminded me of 1 Corinthians 3: 5-8: After all, who is Apollos? Who is Paul? We are only God’s servants through whom you believed the Good News. Each of us did the work the Lord gave us. 6I planted the seed in your hearts, and Apollos watered it, but it was God who made it grow. 7It’s not important who does the planting, or who does the watering. What’s important is that God makes the seed grow. 8The one who plants and the one who waters work together with the same purpose. And both will be rewarded for their own hard work.

I notice over several weeks going into my office building a sign that was posted on a door leading out to the parking garage. This sign simply said, “Pardon Our Progress.” The more I would read this sign coming in every morning for the past several weeks, the more it begin to resonate in my spirit. I begin to think about how that simple message has so much profound meaning. The phrase made me think about myself and what kind of progress have I made. Sure, this message was on the door in lieu of the entire building going through various stages of construction but I could not help but think to myself, “Pardon My Progress.”

But it doesn’t make sense right? Because the meaning of Pardon is: the action of forgiving or being forgiven for an error or offense and when I think about some of the things I have changed in my life for the better, I don’t owe anyone an apology for that! So it’s really a little play on words. To define Progress means forward or onward movement toward a destination.

I am familiar with seeing a sign of this nature especially when some kind of work or construction is being done and it would normally say, “Pardon The Mess,” which made more sense. But the phrase, “Pardon Our Progress” is intended to state that this mess that you see now, is a work in progress towards something greater, an improvement, an upgrade. (WHEW~ That BLESSED ME!)

One major change I made on April 11, 2018 was purchase an Apple Watch to keep me accountable with my physical activity and to commit to a workout time that would best accommodate my busy days. For the past 2 months I have been getting up at 5am Monday – Friday doing ‘fasting’ cardio for 30 – 45mins to kick off my day. This change has made a major impact on my life in multiple ways: My energy levels are up and when I get to the office I am ready and alert for work. I love coffee but I don’t feel like I have to depend on it to perk up my mood. I feel better and my body, along with watching my food intake, has resulted in a stronger, healthier body as I continue to slim down gradually.

This change physically has also changed my time management. I wasted a lot of time after work watching several hours of television leaving only a few hours to read and to work on more constructive projects. I really desired to get in more time reading but also time to work on some personal business goals for myself. As a result of staying more active during the day, it helped me to focus longer in the evenings without feeling too tired from the work day. Talk about a huge CHANGE for me! Progress should be measurable in order to be effective meaning you should know what you should change, create a record and test through trial and error. Progress always involves risk. “You can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first.” ~quote by Fredrick Wilcox

Look at it this way also…Progress does not only just involve all of the positive changes you have made but mistakes and failures are also progress! Especially if what you have learned has taught you what not to do! This result gets you closer to a solution or destination in your life because the goal is to be able to look back over your life and witness to progressive changes of yourself. There is a quote by Muhammad Ali that says, “A man who views the world the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.”

Let that marinate….

So, let me give it to you All Black, No Creamer, No Sugar, No Honey…

You have talked yourself into thinking a little change isn’t worth the effort because you looked at the end result from the end instead of looking at the end result from the beginning…the bible says to not despise small beginnings, for the LORD rejoices to see the work begin..(Zechariah 4:10). Progress is Progressive….it doesn’t go from 0 to 100…it’s 99 other steps that you missed or ignored. Take it one step at a time until what you desire is present.

So “sorry not sorry” for how I have progressed in a little over 2 months. I don’t owe anyone an apology but I owe it to myself to do whatever I need to do in order to present my BEST self. #unapologeticallyPROGRESSING…..are YOU?

I can remember on those hot summer days playing outside with my friends, we will make frequent stops at my house to either use the bathroom, get something cool to drink or going in and out “just because”. I can still hear my mom screaming from the inside of the house saying, “Are you coming in or are you staying out, because you are letting mosquitos inside the house!” My friends and I would quickly run out and shut the door behind us. My mom was very adamant about a decision being made and if we didn’t make it she was definitely going to make it for us. Having the door swinging open and close was never an ideal situation because not only were mosquitos a problem, so was her central air! Running your air conditioning unit in the summer was expensive and my hard working parents didn’t play that!

When I think about the importance of understanding the changes in relationships (platonic and personal), I feel like my mommy and her feelings on letting the air out. A decision has to be made. Either you are in or you are out. Managing and dealing with relationships changing is tough and sometimes down right difficult. Whether you have been friends over several years or made an acquaintance with someone fairly new that you are interested in, feeling like a relationship is starting to feel or become lukewarm has to be acknowledged but not necessarily addressed. This depends on the nature of the connection and the reason you may feel that it has reached an ‘in-between’ state.

Guess what? This is also the same way we deal with our personal relationship with God. We are in and out..just fickle… Sometimes we go to church and sometimes we don’t. We don’t pray and sometimes we do. We don’t read our bibles to gave knowledge and wisdom and sometimes we do. We don’t cultivate the relationship and build on desiring a deeper relationship with God for various reasons and then claim to not understand why we are not experiencing the fullness of God. The bible calls this behavior being ‘lukewarm.’

“So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.” ~ Revelation 3:16

This is by no means a personal attack, so please don’t take it as such. Rather, think about the areas in your life where you know you could give God more because we ALL have them. Let me raise my hand FIRST! Just like you don’t care for someone who seems to be ‘in and out’ of your life, God feels the SAME way! As a matter of fact, He is so disgusted by this behavior that He says that he is about to spit you out of his mouth! What an analogy. Picture THAT!

Make a decision about who you desire to be in God. When you think about your relationship with God, does it represent growth? If it was a chart will it have multiple spikes of high and low points or will it be a curve (not a perfect curve), but one that shows an increase that shows that you are not the same person you was 20, 15, 10, 5 years or even a month ago?!? Don’t spend your life running ‘in and out’ of your ‘Daddy’s (The Lord) house. No, once you make a choice you then form conscious, intentional decisions to walk with God every step of the way. Life is short and at some point that door to life is no longer going to swing in and out….so where will you be? IN or OUT.

When I first moved into my house ( January 2011) in Greenville, SC, I was shopping for home decor and paintings like crazy the first couple of months. I was so consumed with trying to decorate and complete every room of the house as quickly as possible. My mom gave me the greatest advice as she watched me stress myself out in this pursuit and she said, “Do one room at a time. When you purchase something, place it in the room and feel the flow of that item in the room. Either it will go with the flow or interrupt the flow and in that case either you need to move it to another location or move it out.”

One particular item that I purchased during this time was a metal flower that had multiple colors. I really liked this flower but it just didn’t ‘fit’ the feel of every room or hallway that I tried to hang it in so I put it away in my closet and would remind myself periodically that I had it and need to use it to decorate a space somewhere in the house. 7 years later, that flower stayed in that closet and never was used. For some reason I never felt compelled to sell it, give it away or even throw it away, even after I sold the house. As I packing my house to relocate to Atlanta, GA I came across this flower. I thought to myself, well, I didn’t use it in Greenville, SC so maybe I will have a space for it in Atlanta. At the time, I didn’t have my residence picked out yet so I did not know if Atlanta was going to be the place where my flower would finally hang. So I included the flower with all of my belongs that were being shipped to Atlanta, GA.

Fast forward to February 2018. I am now in my new place in Atlanta, GA. As I was unpacking my art and home decor, I came across the flower and yes; it flowed very well with my space here! I smile at the journey this flower has been on and how I never felt led to let it go but to wait on the right environment for it to be a part of. An environment where it will enhance the feel and flow of the room. It didn’t feel forced to be a part of the home décor vision. It was created for this space at this appointed time.

I look at my life and what God has equipped in me. Those gifts, opportunities and abilities are not in vain just because they didn’t manifest when and where you thought they would. This is bigger than a flower brought in Greenville, SC that is now being used in Atlanta, GA, but I know you knew that…(smile). This is about never giving up or feeling like what you have inside of you will never get an opportunity to minster outside of you. God has appointed a time, place and season in your life where He will manifest what He has equipped in you. It may not be for where you are now, but trust me, it will be for later.