Aaron

Madeline

Joseph

Noah

Juliette

Annabel

Delilah

The Triplets

Aaron & Nicole

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

I've been sitting here forever trying to figure out a title for this post. I figure, this time, the title will come after the post, not something I normally do.

A few months ago, this was a really crappy post to have to write. I know, nice English, but really the only other word I could think of didn't sound great.

I guess I don't have alot to say right now. Well. I do but I'm torn as to whether or not I want so much of my private life out on the internet. Ha. Did I really just say that? I guess I'm more meaning that I'm not sure it's my right or my place to 'out' someone, something, or a situation on my blog. I think deep down I feel that's it okay since this is MY blog and they are MY feelings. I actually did a blog such as that once, with just references to a person. But that person was upset with it so I deleted it. But I'm not sure still. I'll wait.

My blog seems to be so all.over.the.board. I must have writers ADD or something. Looking back, I seem to blog when I'm stressed out, or sad, or angry. Not so much when things are going smooth or I'm happy and content (which, sadly, doesn't seem often enough for me) More of the negative, extreme emotions provoke blogging. Now, I know what is my Prozac. Writing. I must have added to my 'coping mechanisms medications list' since I now find myself turning to my camera more than my writing. And the awesome thing is, it works. Photography Is My Prozac. Haha. I need a tee shirt.

Because, really, in this situation it's all I have left to give. Hope, and Love.

This is a message for 2 amazing people in my life that I love so very much. With all my heart. It's not intended as a lecture, or an 'outing' or bitching. It's not a goodbye or a fuck you. It's intended as, just what I said, a message. Listen closely. Listen carefully. And know that I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER the sickening fear that I've lost you both. Too many times.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Sometimes, just sometimes, okay, usually. The RIGHT choice isn't always the EASY choice. For some reason, the decisions that I ponder the longest and hardest, usually turn out just fine. Aaron always gives me grief for being indecisive. I'm not indecisive. I just like to make the right decisions. All the time. So I think. Alot. Obsessively almost.

We decided when Annabel was about 2 to homeschool her and any other babies that came along. Our older 4 kids have all, and still do, go to public school. The experience has been fairly average. Not awesome, but not crappy either. We researched a ton and decided to homeschool. Our older kids were given a choice, and for 6 months, Juliette did try homeschool, but she decided to go back to public school. We fully supported either decision.

Fast forward to this summer. I was getting everything prepared for Annabels' schooling. Workbooks, pencils, and science stuff. We restocked her art cabinet with all new supplies. We continued working on her name, her phone number, the alphabet and counting. Did we ever 'sit down at the table and drill knowledge into her' ? No. She learned as she lived. We counted how many bites she had left to eat at the dinner table. She learned to subtract a few smaller numbers by eating. ' I have 5 peas left. I have to eat 2, so that leaves 3' ! We buy Scrabble Cheez-Its and she loved to find all the letters in her name. We would look for other words too and when she found them, she could eat them. Just to name a few things. Learning through living. It how I believe it should be.

Then I had to really open my eyes. I wanted nothing more than to continue with homeschooling. I knew that while Annabel was learning, so were the other 4. The babies can count to 3. Delilah is doing small subtracting too.

But. The babies are getting so.damn.hard. It's all I can do most days just to eat. I'm quite overwhelmed almost every day and keeping my sanity has to take priority for just a minute. (Which, by the way is where my photography steps up and heals my mind) Even if it sacrifices some of my own philosophies

Aaron and I had to step back and really ask ourselves if this really was the BEST option for Annie. Now, don't get me wrong, I still truly believe in homeschool. I love the theory of un-schooling (Aaron and I don't agree on the subject of un-schooling, but that's okay) and we've been her teachers for 5 years now. We all have. And I think we've done pretty damn good. I am confident that I can continue to be her teacher, why would I suddenly question that? My biggest question was, can I be the BEST teacher for her right now?

We are so fortunate to have lived in the same home for almost 11 years now. Which means we know the school. And the teachers.

My son, Noah, had the most amazing Kindergarten teacher. We'll call her Mrs. D. She was a storybook teacher. The kind they show in movies, or write about in books. She was the perfect combination of loving, and kind, yet stern and consistent. Every child felt loved and knew what was expected of them. I felt safe sending my child to be in the care of this wonderful lady for 2.5 hours a day. I knew she loved him as her own, and wanted nothing more than to teach these children all that she knew. The most amazing part, is that she was able to make each and every child feel that way. I felt my son was getting the same level of love and knowledge that he was getting at home. It's not easy for a teacher to make a parent feel this way. She truly loves her career and it shows.

We decided to send Annie to school. BUT. We had it 'under one condition'. IF we could get Mrs. D., we would send Annabel to school. And I am driving her because what happens on a school bus is for a whole 'nother day. :/

ANNNNDDDDD.....WE GOT MRS. D.!!

We talked with Annabel about it and she's quietly excited. Very typical Annabel reaction. Sweet, sweet girl.

We decided to take it year-by-year. We'll look at it every summer, see how things went and.....just see. I do feel a little guilty. But when I look at the situation as a whole, this is the right choice for us for right now. And best of all, it's the right choice for Annabel, and all I want in all my parenting adventures, is to make the choices that are right for my family. It's all Aaron and I ever want.

Today, right now and this minute, I am excited for my baby girl.

And she is pretty darn thrilled too. She couldn't stop giggling as we were taking her pictures.

Thanks Mrs. D. For being the kind of teacher that loves each and every child for who they are. And thank you for sensing my almost anxiety attack as we were registering her for school and hugging me. You reassured me with one simple gesture how much you already love my daughter. I can't wait to see Annie grow this year, with your knowledge, your love and your guidance.