Pleasure Requires Self-Knowledge & Self-Awareness

Each circle is different, each one is special and this one was no exception. My skin still bristles when I remember the looks, the bodies, the skins, the deep breaths.

For the first time I felt calm before I started. Almost always I get consumed by nerves during preparations, however I have already built my own preparation ritual so I can remember to embrace pleasure.

Even before I started I already felt the Bodysex effect, everything was flowing, at the same time I was learning to ask for help (just learning) I was again appreciating how lucky I am to be surrounded by women and men who believe in this project and have accompanied me in the process; from sharing anecdotes to help me buy, prepare, load and arrive at what would be our home this weekend.

Everything was perfection. They arrived, crossed the door and undressed. While we were going around the circle to talk about our bodies and our orgasms we could feel excitemen, some of them had waited a lot to be able to live this experience, there were no fears, there was no doubt, it was their moment.

Suddenly I was filled with fear, terror of expectations. I tend to expect too much from me and I began to doubt And what if I did not meet their expectations? What if I do not give them what they are looking for? What will they say about me if I do not help them have that awaited orgasm? It was enough to voice it out loud to let it go. I remembered that we all build the circle and each one takes as much as they want to give.

Upon hearing their stories, I reconnected with so much of my own history. I understood their stories so well. I am still amazed at all that is behind these strong women, who even intimidate me in other contexts, I see them so secure, so powerful and sometimes I would like to be like that, however when we undress I realize that we all are alike. They are also afraid, they also fall and get up, they also doubt and I remembered the words of Marcela Lagarde:

"If we do not doubt we can not be autonomous ... To be autonomous we need to develop critical thinking, open, flexible, in movement, that does not aspire to build truths and this means to make an intellectual revolution in women. There is no autonomy without revolutionizing the way of thinking and the content of thoughts."

And lately I doubt so much about me. Of the good, of the bad, of everything. But I understood that it is worth doubting, it is more, it is necessary to doubt. If I doubt I am questioning myself, I am aware of myself and as a Bodysex sister said:

"Self-awareness creates the possibility of change" -Laurie Mccracken

Seeing our vulvas was powerful. It is not a coincidence that a storm began, the sky fell while we released all the mandates, obstacles and experiences that disconnected us from our sexual bodies. Accompanying each one in the re-knowledge and re-appropriation of their bodies, their vulvas and their pleasures was just beautiful. I still see the photographs and their faces of surprise and self-love move me.

After the first day we devoured a celestial Paella. Many had brought dishes and drinks to share. I felt everything to the surface. The flavors, the colors, the sounds, everything was intense. We talked late into the night, some slept, others wove, others listened and I just observed perfection.

The second day we had breakfast on the terrace and the reflections sprang up without stopping. Motherhood, relationships, gender ... in short, so much to de-construct to be able to reach ourselves. We spent the morning around the pool, with our naked torsos, we listened to music, we read, we painted mandalas, we talked ... I had to get away a little and enjoy this work of art: naked bodies without any burden, without any shame. Being beautiful in all its splendor. I wanted to record that moment in my mind and wish that every day were like that. Our bodies were ours, no one to judged them, to transgressed them; no poses, no careful sitting.

The second part started and they already seemed different. There were smiles from ear to ear and bright eyes sharing how they felt at that moment, they felt so themselves, so free, so full reconnecting with what they are, with their desires, their needs. I needed to remind them that what they were feeling was pleasure. That is the pleasure, to be conscious of myself, to be alive in my skin, feeling life touching every inch of my body. Pleasure is not just an orgasm, it is not learning to press a button and come. Pleasure requires self-knowledge and self-awareness. It will sometimes come with orgasms or laughter or tears, etc.

We get up with vibrator in hand and repeated the mantra of a womans's daughter: "For the power that I grant myself." We began the erotic recess and while accompanying them in an autoerotic meditation their breaths were coordinated with the background music. The worries about not having an orgasm or not having it quickly enough dissipated, there were no rules, times or goals, it was time to celebrate and in less than 10 minutes the orgasms began to flow, accompanied by laughter and tears. Next to me a woman came and went between moans and crying, it was a very intense experience for me to accompany her in the breaking of those barriers that although I did not see, I felt like mine ... I put my hand on her knee and I began to breathe deep until our breaths were harmonized, the cessation of her crying turned into tears for me and felt so thankful for being part of this that is much bigger than I can describe.

Suddenly they all ended, their radiant faces and their intense smiles filled the room with peace and without more, we knew it was time to get to the massage. I closed the workshop as usual with a lot of crying for how overwhelming this experience was for me and full of oil we set out to have dinner.

I was living everything once more, food, wine, music, dancing ... everything was pleasure. We laughed, danced and sang until after midnight.

The last day we enjoyed once again around the pool in complete nakedness, we did not want to leave, we did not want something so perfect to end but we had to remember that what we had rediscovered these days would always be with ourselves, it was the deepest part of our being ... we had found ourselves. The commitment to pleasure would go with us and we would no longer have to ask ourselves: Why would not someone fall in love with us? Because once again I left the circle in love with me and those who accompanied me.