Hi there. The Government of British Columbia here, just wanting to say hello.

What’s that? Why do we want to say hello, you ask?

We detect some anxiety in your question. Please, we assure you, there’s no need to be alarmed. It’s got nothing to do with income taxes or a police matter or anything like that, or any of those quasi-criminal stereotypes that the “established” community (you know who we mean) sometime saddle you with. Which we think is just awful of them. Really, it’s disgusting.

And of their propensity to stereotype, we’d like to address that by making the first of many apologies to come. We’re really, really sorry about that. Non-ethnic people should know better, considering they don’t have to live with the burden of being ethnic. (An official copy of this apology, suitable for framing, will soon arrive in the mail.)

As for your hesitancy about the nature of this letter, we can appreciate the traditional distrust you must have of government given the nature of whatever despotic hellhole you fled from to join us here.

Trust us, we don’t want anything from you, per se. We’re not that kind of government, unlike some we could think of, though we won’t name names. We just wanted to say hi and how’s it hangin’, ‘cause that’s just us being us. Super friendly. A heart as big as the dimples of our terrific premier, Christy Clark, who sees you in the same way she would see a non-ethnic person, which is, just folks, but with better food. Of which she is a huge fan, by the way, especially butter chicken and/or hot and sour soup and/or banh mi sandwiches. Which is/are her favourite food/foods. Yum.

So, we’re good?

You’re OK with this?

Because the last thing we want to do is upset you. Because the government of British Columbia believes you are its kind of people, and that you believe in the same thing it does, which is hard work and family and capitalism and tougher crime laws and non-union shops and education – the kind where you hit the books in the library for hours on end to earn extra credits, not that airy-fairy stuff the public schools peddle – and God, or, if it happens to be the case, gods.

The same, alas, cannot be said for the non-ethnics of this province, which distresses this government no end. Who knows what those people believe in? They’re all over the place. Completely unreliable. You never know what they’re thinking.

Not that we’re stereotyping.

But with you — the ethnic voter — we take comfort in – what’s the phrase we’re looking for? your solidarity of thought? — yes, that’s it — your solidarity of thought with other ethnic voters, a solidarity that says you have a higher common purpose greater than the selfish and mean-spirited demands we find is so rampant in the non-ethnic community.

You understand the power of cohesion.

Which is completely different from not thinking for yourself. We never said that. Individualism has its place – take our premier, for example, who has always gone her own way, often against the wishes of her caucus and her advisers and her constituents — but you, you, the ethnic person, have a greater purpose in mind, which, alas, too many in this province have forsaken, if polls are correct.

Thus, this letter.

The government of British Columbia wishes to salute that cohesion, and recognize it for what it is, the glue that may keep this province together, especially if you happen to live in a swing riding.

So, we want to thank you and make you to feel at home in B.C., unlike – and we can’t bang this drum long and loud enough — those poor unfortunate ethnics who preceded you here, and who were made to feel unwelcome by those non-ethnics who forced them to pay a head tax or wouldn’t even allow them into the province to begin with.

You weren’t aware of this? It’s true! You can look it up. It was in all the papers, a hundred years ago. Not that we want to open up old wounds, though we’re of the mind that it’s never to late to pick at a scab.

So again, we’d like to make an official apology to redress these old wrongs:

We’re sorry, because this government has so much to be sorry about.

Yours for the future,

The Government of B.C.

P.S.: Please do not direct any return correspondence to official government email addresses.

We encourage all readers to share their views on our articles and blog posts. We are committed to maintaining a lively but civil forum for discussion, so we ask you to avoid personal attacks, and please keep your comments relevant and respectful. If you encounter a comment that is abusive, click the "X" in the upper right corner of the comment box to report spam or abuse. We are using Facebook commenting. Visit our FAQ page for more information.