Of course, Canada also spawned the weapon of mass destruction that is known as, Celine Dion, whose voice, if used for evil, has the power to destroy the Earth, or if used for good, could destroy a gigantic asteroid heading towards the Earth.

Over the years, I’ve tried a lot of energy bars, but none of them really gave me the energy to do anything. The Snickers Marathon Bar never made me want to run a marathon, a PowerBar never gave me power to take over the world, Balance Bars never gave me the balance to dominate third graders at the game King of the Hill, the Luna Bar never made me want to moonwalk, and Clif Bars never made me want to climb a cliff to get away from people I own money to.

However, this Mad Dog Energy Bar was the first energy bar that perked me up like I was a pair of nipples at a wet t-shirt contest. It was able to do this, not with pitchers of water and thin white cotton t-shirts, but instead with the power of the Double G’s.

Not those Double G’s.

I’m talking about guarana and ginseng.

Found in almost all energy drink I’m addicted to, the Double G’s can provide long-lasting mental alertness, stimulate the nervous system, increase stamina, boost energy levels, stimulate the immune system, and reduce the effects of stress.

Surprisingly, after intensive research involving pictures of Dolly Parton, I’ve learned that the OTHER Double G’s also have these same effects on me, plus they make for great pillows.

Another ingredient that you won’t find in energy drinks, but will definitely find at a natural foods store in the form of clothing or rope, is hemp.

Yes, that hemp.

No, it’s not illegal to eat in the United States.

No, you can’t get high off of hemp.

Yes, I tried to light a Mad Dog Energy Bar.

Yes, trying to light a Mad Dog Energy Bar created a chocolatey mess.

Along with the hemp seed, guarana, and ginseng, the Mad Dog Energy Bar also consists of rice crisps, peanuts, and chocolate. All of that created a taste that maybe familiar if you’ve ever had a very strong expresso or used your mouth as a coffee grinder.

Being someone who doesn’t drink coffee, it took awhile to get used to the strong expresso-like flavor of the Mad Dog Mocha Mania Energy Bar, but overall it’s got a decent taste, and that taste is effective in bitchslapping me and getting me through the day.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Jocelyn, co-founder of the parent company that created Mad Dog, for sending me a box of Mad Dog to review.)

Item: Mad Dog Mocha Mania Energy BarPurchase Price: FREERating: 3 out of 5Pros: Decent taste. Perks me up like I was a pair of nipples at a wet t-shirt contest. The Double G’s. The OTHER Double G’s. The Barenaked Ladies.Cons: Strong expresso-like flavor maybe too strong for most. Lighting a Mad Dog Energy Bar to try and get high. Celine Dion’s ability to destroy the Earth. Paying to be bitchslapped.

What a great line – the first energy bar that perked me up like I was a pair of nipples at a wet t-shirt contest. I don’t know if I have ever been that perky before well except when I was in that wet tshirt contest! Just kidding!

here’s all the ways you are THE MAN. 1. this is good info. 2. you write like a mofo. 3. you mention hemp! hemp is a good thing. 4. your full disclosure (“jocelyn sent this to me”)
my feelings re: celine changed from bad to good when i saw her break down and cry on TV about the katrina victims. she’s almost shockingly innocent.

Marvo, I didn’t think you could raise my opinion of you any higher, but then you went and mentioned Barenaked Ladies. You, sir, are a god. :0) I wonder what would happen if I ate one of these energy bars while listening to Barenaked Ladies AND Celine Dion simultaneously? Would my ears bleed?

It is impressive that you finally found an energy bar that actually gives you energy, rather than just being a trumped up candy bar. Double G’s, though — I remain firm on my belief that due to the sexed up nature of your posts lately, you desperately need to get laid. Preferably after eating one of these energy bars.

I always like being perked up like wet nipples…especially when I get up in the morning after drinking beer the night before. Coffee and sugar usually does the trick for me, but this energy bar sounds good also…

Awesome review Marvo! Can we buy this Mad Dog bar in the US? I must try it. I do have the Luna bars before workouts and they usually give me the needed kick…but if you say these are better than Luna bars, I gotta give one a try! Do they make them in other flavors other than the expresso? Do they have a website? Yea I realize i’m being lazy by asking all these questions instead of looking up the answers myself….but I just got like 4 hrs of sleep all weekend and I could really use a Mad Dog Bar!

Chuck – I have a hard time getting up in the morning, maybe I should use pitchers of water and thin wet cotton t-shirts to perk me up.

Ultimate Best Vamp Ever – Jocelyn told me that they would be available at 7-11. I don’t think they have any other flavors. They do have a website (www.maddogenergy.com), but there isn’t much information on it.

Webmiztris – Yeah, this product definitely has attitude. Cool slogan and it keeps bitchslapping me. If it didn’t give me energy, I would take the attitude. It’s like I’m pussywhipped.

Lucy – It’s like a Red Bull, except it doesn’t give you wings and I don’t think it would taste well with vodka.

Genny From the Burbs – Well a Monster Energy Drink does give me energy too, but just not it a chocolatey form.

nat – Well when you get yours, you can light it.

KT – If they are at your local crazy hippie shop, they’re probably in between the Clif Bars and the tie-dye hemp t-shirts.

Actually, there’s a hemp based energy drink I found at the local BevMo! (a beverage super store. basically, if your a soda enthusiast, go in here, have an instant orgasm.). It’s called Hemp Power. And it tastes and looks like dirt!

HOLY FREAKING MOLY!! Thanks for the prize pack! I just ate the energy bar and I feel like a chiuaua on speed!!! And I just put on a pot of coffee, too. After 3 hours of sleep (damn Thursday punk rock shows!!), I needed it. I’m a little jumpy, but I’m awake!!! Thanks again!!!!

Breakfast of Champions? Nah. That’s still a cigarette and a Diet Coke. Coffee and a Mad Dog makes a pretty good lunch after a late night out though!! (besides, I hate mornings as it is, why would I ever want to be that *alert*??!???)

Jocelyn: Doggette of Fullfullment here. Thanks for all your responses! If any of you would like a free box of ‘goddam’ maddog’s (that’s maddog spelled backwards) please feel free to email me at jb-maddog@shaw.ca and we will send to you.