Sabrina Asked:

“My boyfriend doesn’t trust me and needs time to say “I love you”. What should I do? wait or move on

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 10 months and I’ve never done anything to ruin his trust. I really like him, but I have a feeling that something is wrong with our relationship.

His broke up with his ex girlfriend because she cheated on him, and he was hurt very badly as he loved his ex very deeply. I think this breakup made him very insecure.

For example, when I told him he is the right person for me, he replied he said the same words to his ex and he thought she was the one. I was very upset and told him how I felt and asked him to focus on me. He apologized and said he needs time to heal as the scar is still there.

It’s already been 4 years since he and his ex broke up, I wonder how long I need to wait.

Another example, two months ago, I’ve got a male roommate. I never thought it would be a problem, as my roommate is a college kid. My boyfriend is very upset with this, and he said I may have an affair with my roommate. I am very frustrated, as he doesn’t trust me.

Except for these, he is a very good person. I can tell he cares about me. But any relationship should build upon trust.

What should I do? wait for him to regain his confidence or move on.

Thank you!”

- Sabrina (31, Philadelphia, PA USA)

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Comments:

3 Comments Already

The problem may be deeper than just his relationship. A lot of times we get involved with relationships that mirror our relationships from our parents, thus causing very deep issues. Some people choose to go to counseling to work out deep seeded problems, but if he hasn’t done any work, then the issue may not go away no matter how long you give him or how patient you are. His not trusting you is not anything you have done and you can not fix that either, no matter how much you reassure him. You can give it some time and see if you can ignore it or tolerate that he has this issue or not. You’ll have to figure how what you can deal with and what you can not.

On one hand, you need to understand that people with trust issues, very rarely get over them FULLY. They’ve been hurt/lied to in the past, and they assume that the next person will hurt or deceive them as well. Broken trust, like a broken HEART, can take a LONG time to repair. And many times, that individual is so insecure from being cheated on BEFORE, that they NEVER completely heal or trust fully.

On the OTHER hand, 10 months (almost a year) is long enough for him to at least START to trust you. He can’t milk this “my ex girlfriend cheated on me” thing FOREVER. If he does, you may have to consider cutting your losses and moving on.

Unlike John, I think you HAVE been rather patient. As I said, 10 months is a long time of being completely honest and faithful only to STILL have your partner distrust you. It makes you wonder “Is this all for NOTHING? Will they EVER trust me?” So I understand your pain.

What you have to do is ask yourself the following questions:

1) “How long am I willing to wait for him to finally trust me?”
2) “Will he EVER trust me?”
3) “What if he STILL feels insecure 3 more YEARS from now?”
4) “Do I really want to waste all of that time if NOTHING is going to change?”

Right now, I am in a similar situation. My girlfriend has MAJOR trust issues. And I used to, too. But I don’t HAVE them with her. SHE, however, still DOES have these issues, and I don’t know when or if they’ll EVER be gone. Right now, I can handle it, because it’s still EARLY. But if she’s still not trusting me TEN MONTHS from now, I can’t say I’d want to stick around. Because without complete TRUST, you can’t FULLY allow yourself to fall for your partner. And if she can’t trust me enough to FALL for me, that means her FEELINGS will always be GUARDED, on SOME level. And the same can be said for YOUR situation, with YOUR man. Know that. And decide if it’s worth it.

If you need more help, or wanna keep me updated on the situation, email assistance is always available:

Some guys are very sensitive. You will have to bide your time over the months for his trust to build and for his fresh wounds to heal. If he is really the right one for you then stick with him, if not move on. It will take patience with this guy and it seems that you have a short supply of patience.