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I don’t know if Bill Cosby is guilty of not. I get the feeling he is, in at least some of those cases, but I can’t really say, that’s just an opinion. But here comes Cos complaining that the media is out to destroy him. Really? The media? The same media that made him a beloved star for as long as I’ve been alive. The same media that made him America’s Dad and barely covered past allegations against him. What did they do wrong now, besides cover a legitimate news story? Cos, I’d get it if you blamed the accusers, I’d understand if you got angry at having your shows dropped, I even agree that a lot of the things said against you are unsubstantiated or unproven. But what do you want them to do when a parade of women keep coming forward with allegations against you? You’re a smart guy, Cos, keep your mouth shut. (And, if my suspicions are right, keep it in your pants too.)

NYC’s new speed limit is 25 mph, down from 30. Yes, it saves lives, no debate. But man, it’s slow! All I have to do is take my foot off the brake and my car is doing 25 before I ever get near the gas. But I’m not going to advocate for raising the limit, what I want is for the streetlights to be recalibrated. The lights are now set for a car traveling a certain speed to be able to get from one green light to another (when synchronized correctly, that is) before it turns red. But now, with cars going slower (and some real idiot drivers don’t even go as fast as 20 anymore) you hit red light after red light. someone please fix the signals!

Al Sharpton owes about 4.5 million in taxes, and his defense was that he didn’t father an illegitimate son. And it worked! The tax story immediately disappeared. Why can’t the media hound ol’ Rev. Al the way Cosby says they hound him?

I know this is a very old picture, but how could I not use it?

Every once in a while I’ll get on twitter and poke fun at Mulaney, that show that FOX stubbornly claims is a sitcom. And you know what? I tried, I really tried, but that show is awful. I mean “I’d rather watch The Real on FOX” awful.

Now I canceled Mulaney!

And lastly, what’s with all the female singers singing about their booty? If I had a daughter I’d be really upset about the message they’re sending. Used to be bad when men objectified woman down to a body part, but women win Grammy Awards for doing it to themselves? Sad. And the less said about Kim Kardashian’s rear-end mountain the better.

And while I’m on the subject of music, if Taylor Swift is the best they can do, “in six months we’ll be running this planet,” said one Taylor to another.

Sometimes when I’m writing I have no idea when inspiration will strike. Remember my awesome TV pitch, President Hobo? That would make ABC millions! If only they answer my phone calls. And my movie treatment for Hamsterus!would have made DreamWorks a fortune, if it wasn’t for that restraining order Spielberg put on me.

Well I’ve done it again. There I was, wasting time on some stupid Hollywood Russell story and I realized what an idiot I was. Some guy from the last century named Hollywood? C’mon, his big claim to fame is that he wears a trench coat. Big deal, so did Winston Churchill at the Yalta Conference. Big whoop. I’ve been wasting my time. The public doesn’t want some old mystery dude, they want something new, something modern.

They want MURDERCHIMP!

I haven’t really figured out what a Murderchimp is, but trust me, this is the next BIG THING! I’m so sure it’ll be big that I’ve already written the back cover blurbs to what I know is going to be my bestselling idea. And it may not even be a book! I have no idea, but this has to be good, I can feel it!

MURDERCHIMP!

WHO is MURDERCHIMP?
WHAT is MURDERCHIMP?
WHEN is MURDERCHIMP?
WHERE is MURDERCHIMP?
WHY is MURDERCHIMP?
HOW is MURDERCHIMP?

MURDERCHIMP is the international assassin for hire. He works only for the highest bidders of the highest bidders who can bid even higher!

MURDERCHIMP is the high-flying, tuxedo-wearing, blood-letting, roller-skate traveling, internationally known assassin loved by women the world over and feared by men the world over!

MURDERCHIMP can scale walls, climb trees, eat bananas, and make love in 347 different positions!

“If only we had Murderchimp to stop ISIL.” – President Obama, before Congress

This is going to be awesome! So what if Jack Klugman is dead, he’d LOVE MURDERCHIMP! So whatever MURDERCHIMP turns out to be- a book, bedsheets, contraceptive, whatever- rush out and buy seven or eight! Trust me, you’ll love it, and I’ll love the cash!