Newport Harbor: Pretty in Pink Sucks

Yeah so it’s only episode 2 of the very original Newport Harbor and I’m already bored. I’m not sure I can commit to recapping the whole season, so unless these retards get a little more retarded this may be my last Newport Harbor recap. We’ll see. Here’s how this one went down:

I bet Chrissy’s dad has child pornography on his computer. Someone call Chris Hanson from Dateline and have him look into this. Thanks.

When Steve Sanders Jr. and his buddy (whose name I don’t need to know) are at the beach and the beach ball lands on them, why is it that a Puerto Rican guy in a plaid button down shirt with black jeans on and sneakers shows up to retrieve it? Anyone else find this to be odd attire to wear ON the beach?

Sweet 16! Samantha and Allie are planning a “Pretty in Pink” party. That’s awesome. Wait, what does that even mean. It should have been called, “Wicked in White” in honor of their white “fright-wig” hair. By the way, who still has markers at this age? Tools.

Is Samantha the ghetto version of Cami from Laguna Beach? I mean the “ghettoer” version of Cami from Laguna Beach.

Chrissy and the girl go for ice cream and I can honestly say I have no idea what their conversation was about. At one point they mention a pigeon. That was the most interesting part, I think.

Allie and Chase go mini-golfing and this is when the light bulb goes off that this whole love triangle is the first major scripted moment of the season. I get it now. Nice try MTV. Tricky tricky. I thought it looked familiar. Steven-LC-Kristen. Yeah, thought so. Tricky tricky.

Samantha and Allie have a legitimate conversation in the car about “bootylicious” being a word that was added to the dictionary. There’s a war going on in Iraq.

So how old is Chrissy’s mom? 20? 22?

So is Chase’s mom actually in porn?

Yup, the “Pretty in Pink” party is really pink. Not only is everything there pink, everyone there is pink. The lighting is pink, people are pink, and their teeth have a tint of pink. Also is this party at the VFW? Isn’t Newport Beach supposed to be nice?