Thursday, March 20, 2014

Springtime For Cyclist: When the Equinox Gets Vernal, the Fred Gets Anal

As winter reluctantly releases the ball gag from our mouth, I find myself returning to the bikes with the skinny tires and the pedals requiring shoes you can't walk in (Fredliness is a form of ball-gaggery, I suppose), which means I can update those of you who care on the Brooks Cambium saddle:

(Matching your saddle and your bar tape is for "woosies.")

Here's a closer look:

And here's a really close look:

And here is a pair of hard nipples:

If you recall, I immediately found the Cambium to be exceedingly comfortable, though around January I noticed it was creaking a little bit. Specifically, it would sort of squeak if I shimmied my scranus towards the saddle's nose while climbing. While the sound was mildly annoying, it was only occasional, and it was nowhere near as irritating as comments like this:

Mario's Albino Tadpole said...Snob..no wonder you sucked at racing of the bicycles. Try shifting your scanus back when climbing instead of forward. You will make better use of your glutes and hamstrings that way. Only go on the rivet when you want to get low and aero.JANUARY 3, 2014 AT 7:57 PM

Nonsense. Climbing is like intercourse: sometimes you need to change positions. You don't just park your scranus in one spot and grind away. Whether you're talking about your saddle or your bed, at various times you should be fore, aft, or even out of it altogether. And as for sucking at the racing of bicycles, I definitely sucked, but it was for a completely different set of reasons, since there's virtually no climbing in the various local New York City race series, yet I managed to completely blow anyway.

Plus, I hold the all-time record for ascending Mont Ventoux, so I think I know what I'm talking about.

Worst of all though was the Unsolicited Creak Advice, which is perhaps the most regrettable aspect of bike dorkdom in the Internet age. "Maybe it's not your saddle. Have you tried greasing the chainring bolt that's second from your crank arm going clockwise?" Look. I know when my saddle's creaking, and I also know a thing or two about chasing creaks. In fact, I don't just chase them. I stalk them. Sometimes you need to take the whole bike apart. Other times, you ignore the creak for a few weeks so it thinks you don't care, but then, when the creak least expects it, BAM! You figure it out mid-ride and then silence that shit immediately with a surgical lube strike.

This is me when I'm hunting down a creak:

(Errand boy, sent by grocery clerks to lube a bottom bracket.)

I love the smell of Simple Green in the morning, etc. and so forth.

ANYWAY, the point of all this is that I was able to determine that my flabby thighs were causing the rubber underside of the saddle to rub the rails, thus producing a rubbery squeak, which I confirmed by applying some electrical tape between the two surfaces (the rails and saddle shell, not my thighs):

As of my last ride it was as quiet as can be, and while there's certainly a more elegant solution (hint: Brooks x BSNYC velvet "collabo" bumpers "droppings" soon at $75 a pop), I'll probably just leave it that way until my liposuction appointment.

In the meantime, the saddle is extremely comfortable, happily silent, and well in line with my personal bicycle aesthetic, which is that of a fading Fred gradually wilting into a retrogrouch. Furthermore, I would happily put a Cambium on each and every one of my bicycles, if only I weren't so goddamn lazy.

In other news, there has been much talk of lumens this week, and clearly it's in the zeitgeist because Mission Bicycle have launched a Kickstarter for a reflective bicycle called...the Lumen:

And thus, with the advent of a dedicated night bicycle, "peak specificity" was reached, and the entire cycling universe contracted in a "big crunch," at which point all marketing segments were completely abandoned and everybody started selling and riding pennyfarthings:

Mmmmmm Vernal. I love that word, it's so luscious. Thanks for hard nipples and intercourse, Snobbums darlinK. Sweet. Um.... and

WHAT?! Izzzat a politician talking about climate change?! NONONONONOITCANTBESOOOOOOOOO!!Say you're not really ONE OF THEM! :S

I don't think that's whatchacall stalking though, snobberdoodles. That's what GOING UNDER looks like. The seas rise around them whilst they sit there on their stupid arses doing fuck all. Not very apocaloptimistic of me to see it that way, but

Just sayin' is all.

Re: the packaging... RIGHT?!?

And about the floss? Hereyago, and this is a gift: The Fred's fred actually uses a Dental pick before he flosses. I kid you not. Best ex pro I know took to my cassette with a dental pick, and he had that baby spotless in minutes. Minutes.

THAT's what you call serendipity, that so many Freds are well set to be so Fredly.

Can anybody assist on determining the origin of a rasping sound on my pennyfarthing? Heretofore, I have tried applying lubricant to the saddle pin hardware, hub flange terminals, and pedal cage reflector bolts, all to no avail. Please advise posthaste!

And then you threw in ol' Winning Sr. And I thought my god the genius of that. The genius. I coulda been a contender. Rosebud. Sambadi tooka de bicicleta. Gonna need a bigger boat. Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper? Zed's dead baby, Zed's dead.

Lady Spring almost lured me back on to the pure Fred-cycle for the 'mute in today, but I am sticking with the semi-fredly travel bike getting-to-know-you routine. Platform pedals and all. Sure is much nicer at the 3.14 million traffic lights.

I don't believe being "thrifty" with money is peculiar to any ethnicity. Being of a particular heritage like so many people in this region, if I buy two lottery tickets and one hits the Powerball, I can guarantee you that I will complain about the other not winning anything. Aye.

The Husq quit on me in the middle - I had that thing slathered with bar oil (wink), everything primed and heated up (nudge), the cord taut as a violin (thumbs-up) and I thought it was gonna jump ("OK" signal) but all it did was purr a bit (eyebrow) and go to sleep (grin).

Simply solve (nudge) the set of partial differential equations (wink) and use that as a predictor function (eyebrow) for the expected failure envelope (thumbs-up) of the longitudinal rebar/concrete interface (tongue wag).

I think more lumens are best when there's oncoming traffic, street lights that provide inadequate lighting, and right before dawn and after dusk.

I turn my head to avoid blinding oncoming riders (only 500 lumens).I also aim it into the cabin of cars on side streets to see if they are paying attention or to get their attention, and when crossing intersections. It's also useful for scanning unlit sections of path or road for animals who may and do bolt into my path.

The only time it's been a problem was when a coyote stood his ground in a narrow path because ( I assume) he was blinded by the light and couldn't tell what I was. We were about ten feet apart when he started walking up to me walk up to me to get a better look.

I finally persuaded him to move out of the path, by clanging the pump against the bike frame. Yelling at him wasn't getting the job done.

Hello, Brooks? I'd like to order a Cambium C17 Limited Edition, numbered, and signed by Eric "The Chamferer" - what? Sold out already? Who bought them all? Some guy calling himself Rock Machine???- danged semi-pro millionaire bloggers... what else have you got? A used saddle ridden nude by some washed-up stud Italian pro? Forget it. I'll just call Nashbar.

I thought my SDG Alisio was making the crickets yesterday but turns out it was the QR seatpost junction that was the offender. Then the front caliper somehow got shoved over by the diks and it started up. Not sure I have ever ridden a MTB without an orchestra of chirps and OCD antagonists. Doing 30+ of the LBL tomorrow so maybe it will be Silence of the Srams.

When will Morrissey and the rest of these dumbass Kickstarters learn that the way to generate revenue via the interwebs is to have a semi-hot girl with 2 1/2" of cleavage do their presentation? For fucks sake.

Our plan is to meet at the North Welcome Station and shuttle (a fancy was of saying EVERYBODY IN THE HEMI) back to The Golden Pond Planetarium and embark on the North South Trail up to NWS. We will be right at the Canal Loop at the end but 30+ should be enough for me.

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!