Now, here’s a little secret: I had a spy at the party. This person, we’ll call “Moose,” went around all night (sober) observing the pick-up scene. Before I reveal Moose’s findings, according to the book The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love, there are 4 given species of males at any given social gathering:

1) He-Wolf: Travels in a pack of bros. Aggressive yet guarded.

2) Manda: Not into playing games. Ultimate good guy.

3) Manther: Bad-boy flirt. Loses interest easily.

4) Guyena: Loudest and funniest, but very insecure. Needs attention.

Although these 4 species were present at our party, I’d like to do my own variation according to Moose’s findings:

1) The Frat Boy: He’s a cross between the He-Wolf and the Manther. He travels in packs and there’s some serious bromance with his group of friends. He’s not afraid to show his “I’m so straight” homo tendencies, such as male-to-male ass slapping and dry humping. The Frat Boy gets louder, wilder, and more primal as the night goes on. He doesn’t care if he goes home alone, because he won’t be going home alone, his bros will be with him.

How girls reacted to him: They thought he was fun, outgoing, and the life of the party! Until…they got him alone. The Frat Boy without his posse was a real dud without much substance. Or, he was just super shy. Either way, he needed to grow some balls instead of borrowing his buddy’s.

2) The Predator: The shameless Manther. To him, a party is a number’s game. The more girls he attacks, the higher his chances are of scoring. He’s an equal opportunity predator, meaning he doesn’t discriminate between the ugly vs pretty, old vs young, fat vs skinny, and female vs passable-female. He’ll cop a feel wherever he can and with enough intoxication, he thinks, “a vagina is a vagina.” His entire goal is to NOT GO HOME ALONE.

How girls reacted to him: They expected someone like him to be at a party so they let him be the creeper that he was. It was amusing and entertaining watching him plow through groups of women only to be rejected by even the girl who hadn’t had sex in 10 years. The girls let him grind up on them and maybe even grab their ass, but nobody wanted to go home with him. Not because he was creepy or that his boner was out for a walk, but because he didn’t single out any girl to make her feel special.

3) The Peanut Gallery: He is the all-talk Manther without the walk, and he’s half Guyena too. He stands in the corner with his buddies evaluating and rating chicks all night. “Yeah, she’s hot, I’d like to bend her over and rip off her miniskirt.” “Dude, her friend is busted but I’d fuck that tight ass.” The Peanut Gallery has all sorts of color commentary sprinkled with porn verbiage and animated gestures. He talks like he’s the shit but he won’t ever leave his corner, until the end of the night when he leaves alone, muttering “Lame party.”

How girls reacted to him: “Wait, he was at the party?”

4) The Lone Wolf: He’s the Manda-Guyena. He IS the life of the party, dancing with all different groups, making his rounds, taking shots with the bartender, fist-bumping the DJ, and bear hugging his buddies. He comes to parties alone because he knows he has no problem making new friends. He doesn’t need a pack, liquid courage or witty lines. He just loves people. He also loves women and likes to half-ass hit on them. Example: “Girl I like it when you drop it like it’s hot.” And then he immediately follows it up with, “Now watch me drop it like it’s hot.” [INSERT WILL FERRELL DANCE MOVE]

How girls reacted to him: They loved him, how could they not? He’s fun, positive and hilarious. Plus, he’s never creepy. But they almost found him a little asexual because he never tried to hit on anybody. The Lone Wolf was automatically filed under the “FRIEND” folder.

5) The Magician: He’s a Manda-Panther who stands in the background for most of the night, observing the scene and sussing out the situation. He picks his targets early in the evening and keeps his eye on them throughout the night. He’s not in a rush to make a move but he’s confident he will make a move. The Magician is having a good time with his friends until he finds the most opportune time to make his appearance.

How girls reacted to him: None of the girls really noticed him until later in the evening when they’ve all been through the ringer with the aforementioned dudes. The Frat Boy bowed out early because his friends wanted to leave. He couldn’t stand to be away from his boyfriends. The Predator exhausted his options and went to another bar to find more intoxicated victims. The Peanut Gallery…well…hasn’t left his corner. And now the target is dancing with her friends and The Lone Wolf, who she’s already calling her BFF. POOF! The Magician appears right around Magic Hour, swoops in on his #1 pick and she thinks he’s a breath of fresh air. The Magician then pulls a disappearing act with the girl he’s had his eye on all night.

What did we learn from the NO PANTS party?

– Don’t be a douche and wear pants to a NO PANTS party

– Don’t be too focused on your game that you forget to have a good time with your friends

– Don’t be too eager to hit on someone too early in the night

– But, do make a move eventually. Standing in the corner making snarky remarks will get you into nobody’s pants, especially at a NO PANTS party.