Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Baby Mine

I wrote this at a writing workshop a couple of summers ago while I was still pregnant with Blake. I thought it was the best way to start my Mommy story!

Baby Mine

The anticipation of what the day would bring proved too much for my body or brain to settle: 4:00, 4:30, 5:00…I have to go back to sleep! The annoying buzz of the alarm clock will sound next to my head any minute. I lay there restless. Would I be disappointed? Would I cry? Would it mean that I am a terrible mother? Was it Blake or Shelby, pink or blue? How would I tell my Dad? Would Shawn be disappointed? After all we have been through would God give me the son I’ve always wanted?Was I wrong to pray for a boy? Shouldn’t I just pray for a healthy baby? Okay, think good things about girls. Think about pink dresses, dance recitals, frilly socks and hair bows. Instead I thought of my three nieces and how we had been through all the pink so many times before. My Dad needs a grandson and most of all I want to give him that precious gift. Shawn needs to coach little league and have a boy here with us all the time. Am I normal? Does every mother-to-be secretly feel this way? These thoughts flooded my mind on the morning of July 10 as the blaring noise next to my bed startled me.

Shawn practically bounded out of bed. When he realized that I laid wide eyed and awake he looked at me and smiled, clapping his hands silently like a little boy on Christmas morning. “We get to see our baby today,” he said. On the inside I wanted to pull the covers over my head and hide from the world, but on the outside I just smiled back. Knowing that I’d never be able to slip back to sleep I rolled off the side of the bed and started my morning routine.

Driving to the doctor’s office I tried to think of something else, but my mind kept racing back toward the words that I longed to hear. “Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Robison you are having a boy!”I imagined myself looking over at Shawn, tears of happiness and pride running down his cheeks he’d smile at me and I would feel satisfied that I was able to give him a son.

Sitting in the waiting room I watched all the other expectant mothers. I bet any of them would be just as happy with a baby girl. I bet none of them secretly wished for a boy. I bet none of them found them selves rushing past the isles of pink at Babies R Us. That settles it, I am a terrible person and God will definitely punish me for my selfishness.

We followed the nurse to the sonogram room where the technician waited. Shawn was nervous, I could tell by the tension in his grip and let me just tell you, it didn’t help much. As I climbed onto the table where I would find the answer to the big question, I tried to focus on his words to me the night before.

“God decided a long time ago who this baby would be, and whether it is Blake or Shelby we will love it all the same,” he tried reassuring. Gosh I love him. How did he get to be so logical?

A grainy image of my tiny baby’s head appeared on the screen. Quite a change from the previous peanut pictures we had seen. In that brief moment as I studied this little life that we had created with its blinking heart and fast moving hands and feet, I realized perhaps for the first time that I am a mother. No longer a dream of something that would happen later, the reality starred back at me as a black and white image. I had practically no feeling left in my hand. I’m not sure who squeezed harder. Was it Shawn’s grip or mine that robbed me of the feeling in my fingers?

“Are you planning to find out the sex of the baby today?” the technician questioned. I don’t know who answered but the next thing I saw on the screen appeared like two tiny legs bent at the knee. I couldn’t bring myself to look too closely for fear of what the evidence would tell me. I don’t think the sonogram technician realized my agony as she asked us to look and make a guess for ourselves. Suddenly my knowledge of the human anatomy went right out the window. Regardless of what I thought I saw, I wanted someone wearing a white coat to tell me what I was looking at. If anyone said anything after that, I don’t remember, but she must have confirmed what I suspected because all at once I started to cry. Tears streamed down my face as I tried to keep my body still knowing with every move the picture of my baby became unclear. I looked up at Shawn’s teary blue eyes and neither of us had to say anything. We knew exactly what the other felt and we knew without a doubt that God had meant for us to have our very own baby boy.

Blake was born a very healthy 9 pounds by c-section on November 14, 2006!

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11