A reflection on my life and the challenges of being a gay young man in the modern day Pentecostal church and Australian society. After becoming a Christian, Ben then went through three years of ex-gay programs and reparative therapy enduring several suicide attempts, breakdowns and challenges. After admitting that nothing had really changed despite all the hard work, prayer, counselling and exorcisms. In 2008, Ben finally came out and found out that you could be gay and be a Christian.

Tabs

Thursday, August 28, 2008

The Ex-Gay Experience (PART THREE)

After almost three years of these programs and the intense reparative therapy and reading almost every book from well known ex-gay authors like Sy Rogers, Joe Dallas and Alan Chambers, something finally hit me and I realised that even though I had given my all that nothing had actually changed. All that praying, all of the counselling and all that effort, and those ‘curing’ exercises could not make me straight. It couldn’t even take away my desire to be with another man. Nothing had changed and I had to confront the harsh reality.....Could I really change......Will I ever be straight?

The trials and temptations only continued as I started to go deeper, past the Christian book stores and church walls and into the world, looking for research that was stronger than the programs and trying to find out if anyone had really changed. I looked closer at my bible and took into account for the first time, the context and culture behind the word of God.

Around that time, Sy Rogers was coming to speak at church and I was excited as this gave me hope for change once more and I knew Sy through his books and resources. Attending the Sense & Sexuality seminar, I was surprised that Sy did not preach a message of change. He didn’t really bring it up. This is because; as I later discovered that Sy Rogers no longer believes in re-orientation of homosexuals and that his problem was not homosexuality but rather transgenderism. In an interview with Sy Rogers he exclaims “I no longer preach a re-orientation message”.

The many Joe Dallas books that I was given to read took you through many aspects of the ‘healing’ process and the book ‘Desires in Conflict’ even has a chapter on how to date and court the opposite sex and how marriage is the final cure for homosexuality. Books and resources like these are available in abundant supply at many churches across the nation and also at Christian mega-stores like Koorong. When most Christians need advice then they head to Koorong to grab a book on the issue. If young gay Christians or parents of homosexuals were to buy a book on homosexuality from Koorong then they would get a book promoting change as the only option. This is a danger as these books cause much harm to the person trying to change.

Researching the issue more I realised that maybe change was not possible and the thought of living in this pain the rest of my life terrified me. Alicia Salzar, a psychiatrist and producer of the film ‘Abomination’ says “only 4% of people in the ex-gay programs are able to make a lasting change”.

Salzar then goes on to say “They don’t tell you about the depression, the suicides, the self-loathing, the shaming that goes on and how messed up you can really be by going through these ex-gay programs” (Salzar, 2007).

If I was going to hell anyway and I would not be accepted here then what is the point of going on, I thought. And so self- hatred ended up in self harm and I would often grab the razor blade and slowly start cutting my arms. The realisation that I was doing this gave me a shock but I felt like I was a mistake, like I needed to be punished for being gay.

One day I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I couldn’t sleep and at 3am, I got in my car and started driving....speeding as fast as I could....went down the motorways of Sydney and I made the decision that night would be my final night. So I sped down the M2 and put my foot full-throttle on the accelerate and turned my wheel toward the big concrete edges of the motorway...I went from the far right lane, drifting over to the left, and straight towards the concrete walls of the motorway. At the last moment something pressed my left foot firmly on the brake and I missed the wall by only a few centimetres. I sat there crying, realising what I had almost done and knowing that this time, by some miracle that God had spared my life.

Later that week I made an appointment with my doctor and summoned up the courage to speak about what was going on in my life. She diagnosed me with severe clinical depression which was a shock to me because even though things were hard I would never have seen myself as the kind of person who battles depression. In order to diagnose me she performed all these tests and treatments to get an accurate idea of my mental state. After diagnosis, she referred me to a Christian psychologist and prescribed doses of anti-depressants.

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About Me

Hi, my names Ben and I am now 25 years old. I recently finished my town planning degree at University and I live in Sydney, AUSTRALIA. I love hanging out with my mates and playing hockey or footy.
I became a Christian and spent most of my youth at Hillsong Church until I left in 2013 and joined the team at a new Pentecostal affirming church called New Covenant Church Sydney.
I am also the Vice President of Freedom2b which is an organisation that exists to bring support to LGBTI people from Christian backgrounds. Without Freedom2b and the amazing people there my life could be very different.
I believe that it is up to us to make a difference in this world and I believe that you should use what God has placed in your hands to help others who need it more than you do.
I believe that people should be themselves. Celebrate individuality and know that you are made YOU for a reason. Be true to yourself and always be willing to understand and appreciate others for who they are.

Interesting Videos on the ex-gay movement

Pride & Diversity

One last word...

God is by my side standing with me for truth and justice, walking each and every step with me. Teaching me new things, blessing me with compassion and helping me unlearn many things. Jesus is my guide, my strength, my rock. The God that I had once blamed for all of this has always been my liberator and my refuge. I just took longer to see Him for who He really is.

After praying many years that he would change my sexuality and wondering why he didn't answer. I know that it was not because he didn't care but rather he loved me for who I was. "How can I change you if you are beautiful just the way you are". I am fearfully and wondefully made by the Creator and Saviour of the universe as are all of you.IMAGES AND TEXT PROPERTY OF B GRESHAM UNLESS OTHERWISE STATED. c. 2008-2013