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All Rise...

Appellate Judge Mac McEntire only has a condo of freaks.

The Charge

"Hey, Frankie baby, while you're giving that guy a shave and a haircut,
why don't you just take out about an inch from the middle of that eyebrow of his
and make it look like he has two?" —Elvira

The Case

It's mid-19th century Europe, and for some reason, Neanderthals are roaming
around the woods, causing trouble for the locals. A Neanderthal is killed, and
its body is taken to Count Frankenstein, (Rossano Brazzi), who begins to
experiment on it. One of the count's assistants is a necrophiliac dwarf, who is
quickly thrown out of the castle for messing with the corpses. Soon afterward,
Frankenstein's daughter, her fiancé, and her best friend arrive for a
weekend of kinky sex and skinny-dipping. But that dwarf is plotting revenge,
thanks to his friendship with another Neanderthal, named "Ook," who
will eventually battle to the death with Frankenstein's revived caveman, named
"Goliath." During act breaks, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark (Cassandra
Peterson, Elvira's Haunted Hills)
offers some sarcastic remarks about the action on screen, and then embarks on a
Frankenstein-like experiment of her own, to create the perfect male.

Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks was made in Italy in 1974, but what
we're really looking at here is an episode of Elvira's Movie Macabre,
Elvira's nationally-syndicated series that ran throughout the '80s, which
originally started at Los Angeles's KHJ-TV. It's more or less where the Mistress
of the Dark became famous, riffing on old horror films during before and after
commercial breaks. This episode aired on Sept. 15 (hey, that's this reviewer's
birthday!), 1984. The folks at Shout! Factory—primo connoisseurs of all
things pop culture—are now releasing several Movie Macabre episodes
on DVD, including this one, so today's viewers can experience Elvira's humble
beginnings.

This version of the classic Frankenstein story raises many questions. The
first among these is, why in the heck are there club-wielding Neanderthals
running around the lush European countryside? I'm having some real trouble
getting around that one. And yet, that's what makes this one different from all
the other version of Mary Shelley's timeless tale—it must be the only
Frankenstein story that doesn't feature Frankenstein's monster. The
conversation must have gone something like this:

The middle part of the movie ignores the whole "scientist experiments
on random Neanderthals" plot and suddenly becomes a stale bedroom farce, as
the visitors to the castle get it on with each other, along with some
skinny-dipping and voyeurism thrown in for some extra giggle-worthy titillation.
Now, I realize all this talk about cavemen, sex, and dwarves might have you
thinking this is hilariously campy. Sadly, the movie takes itself dreadfully
seriously, and, as such, adopts a slow, ponderous pace. This slowness is what
really kills the movie, rather than the nonsensical script and ridiculous
production values. Or, as Elvira puts it: "I've seen slugs in heat move
faster than this movie."

That's the real reason you clicked on this review, isn't it? You want to
know about Elvira. This is Elvira back when she was still starting out. She was
a genuine novelty act at the time, whereas today she gets reactions like,
"How old is she?" and "Is she still around?" Sure, all of
her jokes are corny in a summer stock theater kind of way, but she's
enthusiastic and sort of likable nonetheless. See, even though her appearance is
that of a glammed-up mistress, her attitude is more of a down to Earth,
tough-talking biker chick. Instead of introducing herself with a grim,
"Good evening, Dah-lings," she's more apt to blurt out
something like, "How's it hangin'?" Perhaps Elvira's low-key attitude
being at odds with her classical vampiric looks is what has made her so
well-liked by fans over the years. Or, perhaps it's because of her gigantic
cleavage.

Let's talk about editing for a moment. There are some nude scenes in the
movie, including a brief yet pause button-ready cameo by the almighty female
nipple. But if this originally aired on television, then certainly these scenes
would have been cut, right? A far more crucial edit, however, is that one of
Elvira's host segments has been removed. At one point, she answers the phone,
and suddenly we're dumped back into the movie. But the credits offer a glimpse
of an actor in a phone booth, credited as "The Breather." From this,
we can surmise that a sketch about Elvira and an obscene phone caller has been
cut from this release (and the mind boggles at the comedic possibilities). Those
looking for a few cheap laughs from this disc probably won't care, but purists
will be disappointed that Movie Macabre isn't here in its complete,
original form.

The video quality here is just terrible. There are scratches all over the
image, colors are flat and washed out, and dark scenes look grey and muddy. The
Elvira footage looks slightly better, but all the digital restoration tricks in
the world can't hide the look of low budget '80s video. Although, you could
argue that it's part of Movie Macabre's nostalgic charm. All we've got
for extras are a few trailers for other Shout! Factory releases and the option
to watch the movie straight through without Elvira's host segments (dear God,
why would you do that to yourself?!?).

Elvira is the best thing about this disc. Is that a compliment or a
criticism? I'm going to go with…compliment. As I said above, this DVD is
worth seeing if you want a few cheap laughs, but I can't imagine it finding it
in anyone's "most often watched" pile anytime soon.

Give us your feedback!

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