I am shopping for a new bed. I am single. I have some money of my own. I don’t need to ask permission or input from anyone.

Now, while I know that, I keep finding myself asking around “Which do you like better?”

These old habits are hard to break. Throughout the years, from my mother, to my sisters, to friends, to boyfriends, to a husband, I’ve always taken everyone’s opinion, thoughts, emotions, etc. into account when doing anything (well almost anything). So much so, that by the time I reached 30, I wasn’t really sure what it was I really liked myself.

I called it being considerate. You may call it being a doormat, though I’ve never been a “yes man” in my life. I’ve just always tried to make sure everyone was happy, and that I could live with it.

Now that I’m older and single, I find I keep having to remind myself that this is my decision and I get to pick what I like.

I keep stopping myself from emailing the men in my life right now to ask about their preferences. None of them are serious yet. Some of them will never actually be in the bed, or in my apt for that matter. A few may make it into the bed with me, a couple have potential to be lifelong partners and so may end up spending their lives in the bed… but thats all maybes and could-bes.

What I know for sure is that I’m going to be sleeping in the bed. I can’t guarantee anyone else is, and I can’t guarantee who would be with me, or what their tastes may be. So if I want pink frills, bright colors, or a bed reminiscent of a whale, then I can do it.

This is my first real big “ME” purchase, and while it feels good, it’s also very agonizing. Its all my choice, my desire, my want.. but its also all my fault if it goes bad.