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Before the internet came along, it was possible to live a life where you only talked to people you knew.

In some ways this was probably a good thing, because it meant you didn’t get strangers having screaming rows over conspiracy theories. But, on the downside, it meant that things like the story we’re about to tell you, never saw the light of day.

And trust us, you’re going to be so, so glad that it did.

A man, who goes only by the name of LearnedButt, shared a story on Reddit titled ‘I was 22 years old when I discovered that not every family has a poop knife.’

(If you’re having breakfast, please stop reading).

He then wrote the following story. Please sit back, relax and enjoy.

The Poop Knife

My family poops big. Maybe it’s genetic, maybe it’s our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won’t flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.

Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out “hey, can you get me the poop knife”?

I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.

Fast forward to 22. It’s been a day or two between poops and I’m over at my friend’s house. My friend was the local dealer and always had ‘guests’ over, because you can’t buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it’s a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife.

“My what?”

Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please.

“Wtf is a poop knife?”

Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it.

He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML.

I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn’t cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes.

She will be getting her own utility knife now.

But, dear readers, the most astonishing part of this tale is not just that a family had a specially designated knife for cutting up their own excrement. No no. It’s the readers of this story felt that it would be fun to pitch in with their own comments about their family’s equivalent.

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‘Hey op. My family doesn’t have a poop knife, but we have a poop ruler that cuts up poop. So you aren’t alone’ wrote one poster.

‘We had a pee jar. My Dad used to keep a tupperware on the kitchen window sill behind the curtains and when he had to pee, instead of walking to another floor where there was a toilet,. he’d pee in the jar and dump it down the sink, then rinse it with hot water. My mom would throw them out and then he would replace them. Me and my brother used them for years before we realized how weird and fucked up it was.’