Twice a day, Trump’s staff presents him with pictures of himself ‘looking powerful’

In today’s news, VICE News reports that the president of the United States is treated like a spoiled pouting toddler by his own staff—and that his staff fights for the privilege of doing it.

Twice a day since the beginning of the Trump administration, a special folder is prepared for the president. The first document is prepared around 9:30 a.m. and the follow-up around 4:30 p.m. Former Chief of Staff Reince Priebus and former Press Secretary Sean Spicer both wanted the privilege of delivering the 20- to 25-page packet to President Trump personally, White House sources say.

These sensitive papers, described to VICE News by three current and former White House officials, are not top-secret intelligence or updates on legislative initiatives. Instead, the folders are filled with screenshots of positive cable news chyrons (those lower-third headlines and crawls), admiring tweets, transcripts of fawning TV interviews, praise-filled news stories, and sometimes just pictures of Trump on TV looking powerful.

Did I say toddler? I mean dog. The White House staff treats Donald Trump like an anxiety-riddled dog.

“Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy today? I have pictures of a good boy here, who could it be?”

“Is it me? Am I the good boy?”

“You ARE! You ARE the good boy, Mr. President! You’re so bigly! You earned yourself a Diet Coke and pictures of yourself from the teevee!”

Possibly the best part of this wonderful, hilarious, deeply terrifying story is that they have to do it twice a day. They can’t just pop in each morning with a collection of news clippings that paint Donald in a positive light—they have to go in twice, because just once a day isn’t enough. And augment it with tweets praising him. And printed-out pictures of himself.

Well, we’re all gonna die. Not much question about it now. At some point an inkjet printer will break and the staff won’t be able to print out pictures of Trump “looking powerful” that day and he’ll fly into a rage and start bombing someone. We’ll all die, because Trump’s staff couldn’t keep up with his twice daily narcissism fix.