Thursday, October 27, 2005

I spent all day yesterday with cold feet. I thought about putting socks on several times throughout the day, but never did. I even went to bed last night with cold feet. This morning, after seeing the dog shiver, I realized there is a cold draft in here and I put my sock/slippers on. They're the $3 slippers I got at Walmart when I bought my mom a pair for Christmas. My mom didn't like them and gave hers back to me, which another dog chewed up. What's my point? I have none. This is how my days are generally...boring and not worth writing about. And my brain is totally and completely incapable of focusing on anything. It took about 24 hours for me to put my damn slippers on. Good grief...what happened to me?

I'm tired. I'm tired of writing about life and death and love and happiness and grief. I want to write about Halloween costumes and what I'm going to overindulge my children with at Christmas. Except that, of course, brings up the obvious thought, "Oh, right...CHILD...not CHILDREN." Then I want to go and piss on everyone's parade. I want to scream at happy people...even happy people who have been through hell to get to happiness. I want to scream at sad people to snap out of it...how bad could your minor little crisis really be when I have a dead baby? I have become bitter and nasty and I don't even like myself. I guess there is something to be said for the fact that I don't act on those feelings. But still.

Then I get emails from people...Hello, Just wanted to see how you and your family were doing, I also wanted to tell you some very exciting news.....I found out on Monday that I am prego! It was a bit of a rollercoaster too because I took a clearblue easy test on mon. morning and it was pos. then for kicks too a different test and it was neg. the next day so I freaked out, called my doc. and they said you rarely get false pos. just false neg. so this morning I took the test again(first response early result) and this time it came up pos.! I am very happy, I have my 1st appt. on nov. 22nd, I am going to wait to tell my family on thanksgiving. Hope all is well with you! Love, R

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I saw a strange show on television yesterday morning called Starting Over. I'm not sure I like it because I still can't decide if I believe in the position of "Life Coach," but I couldn't stop watching it...kind of like a train wreck. There's one woman on there who is a breast cancer survivor and is dealing with a lot of mental and emotional pain surrounding her illness and recovery. At one point she was asked to whack the snot out of some punching bags labelled with the things that have traumatized her in her life (cancer, alcoholism in her family, etc). After having a major meltdown and pounding her frustrations out, her Life Coach told her she could choose happiness. And she made it sound so simple...