A place to let it all hang out, but only if you've got what it takes. If you don't have it, then we want you to leave it safely tucked away. Mmm, yeah, tucked far away... where no one can see it... ever.

March 25, 2008

A Californian woman divorced her husband last month because he played computer games at night and slept during the day; another faced jail after stabbing and beating her husband because of his snoring. Both examples are tragic-comic glimpses into a serious but rarely discussed minefield for couples: sleep incompatibility.

Research by the Sleep Council has found that half of us are regularly woken about six times a night by our partners, particularly if they snore or fidget. Dr Chris Alford, a sleep psychologist from the University of the West of England, says that “sleep conflicts” often will result in relationship conflicts. The problem is so great that more people seem to be taking to single beds. The Sleep Council says that one in four of us regularly retreats to a spare room or sofa for a refreshing night's sleep, and the National Association of Home Builders predicts that by 2015 more than 60 per cent of custom-built houses will have dual master bedrooms.

This is the right approach, say an increasing number of psychologists and sleep experts. In a 24/7 world where sleep is increasingly precious, single beds may represent the future.

Snoring is the most obvious source of bedtime tensions. About a quarter of us - 15million people - are snorers, according to the British Snoring and Sleep Apnoea Association, and may be depriving their partners of two hours sleep a night. Then there's wrestling for the duvet, kicking during dreams and restless leg syndrome, a condition that becomes increasingly common as we grow older.

Outside the bed, different sleep cycles can be just as disruptive, as Mr and Mrs Millard demonstrate (see right). Every one of us has a different body clock with some of us preferring the early hours (known by sleep experts as larks) and some late nights (owls).

A small study of sleeping partners by the University of Wisconsin concluded that the greatest sleep-induced tensions occurred when one partner was a lark, the other an owl. The amount of time available for them to communicate and enjoy each other's company may be compromised as a result - unless one tries to change his or her natural inclinations.

What can couples do? Only so much - at least if you're a heterosexual couple. Sleep conflicts seem to be bound up with fundamental biological and behavioural differences between the sexes. For example, when Professor Jim Horne, the director of the Loughborough University Sleep Research Centre, attached movement monitors to men and women sleepers, he found that men moved much more than women and were far more likely to disturb women than the other way round. This was confirmed recently in a study, reported in the journal Sleep and Biological Rhythms, that found that women benefited far more from sleeping alone than men. They seemed to sleep more easily through disturbance.

Curves and bad vibrations

Sammy Margo, the author of The Good Sleep Guide, published next week, points to other fundamental differences. “Hormonal fluctuations because of the menstrual cycle can disrupt sleep. And women with curves have different mattress needs from men.” A man's extra weight can mean, for instance, that any movement is likely to rebound through a double mattress, while their partner is unlikely to produce such reverberations.

Male assertiveness also seems to play a part. Research from Surrey University has found that women tend to let their partners snore, while men are more likely to give an admonitory prod.

Whichever way you look at it, women come off worse, especially if you take into account that they are more likely to wake up in response to children crying. However, Margo believes that couples shouldn't despair. Her new book aims to provide practical solutions for people with sleep problems.

Her tips for a successful night's sleep are partly based on helping both partners to sleep better through changes to diet and daytime habits, but also on trying to synchronise waking and sleeping patterns. But she says that any couple with severe sleep conflicts should consider separate beds, although this is something people don't like talking about. “When couples first start sleeping together, they are willing to sacrifice comfort to be close to their partner. After a while, when emotional closeness is assured, many just want to have a good night's sleep again. This isn't selfish, distant or unromantic; it's just practical,” she says.

Professor Horne agrees that if you're having sleep problems, separate mattresses are worth considering, and adds that he is encountering more and more couples with separate beds.

Sharing a bed is a "curious British norm"

Rob Meadow, a sociologist from Surrey University who has studied the relationship between sleep and gender, points out that a shared bed is a curiously British norm. “It's very interesting why couples feel the need to go to bed at the same time and in the same place,” he says. “It's societally defined. One couple told me they'd tried sleeping in separate rooms two days a week to catch up on sleep. When their teenage children came back from university they were convinced their parents were about to divorce.”

All the advice from relationship experts is that sleeping separately can be the sign of a strongly bonded couple communicating their needs. But if you're worried that it might impair your love life, take some advice from Queen Victoria. Like most affluent Victorians, she had a separate bedroom from her husband. But any night she wished Prince Albert to enter her room, she left a bowl of oranges outside her door. They apparently appeared nearly every night.

I definitely know my husband and I end up bothering each other at night. He snores very loudly and I sometimes have to wear earplugs if I want to get any sleep. Conversely, I sometimes like to read in bed, but he says he can't sleep if the light is on. I don't have a problem falling asleep with the light on, so if he wants to read, there's no problem for him. And either one of us will periodically go sleep on the couch to get some sleep. What are people supposed to do?

March 12, 2008

1. Write your own six word memoir.2. Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like.3. Link to the person that tagged you in your post.4. Tag five more blogs with links.5. And don’t forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play

My greatest creation speaks for itself.

Tag courtesy of Dantallion, who didn't actually tag anyone, so I won't either, but feel free to play along if you'd like.

March 09, 2008

I had all the best intentions of finishing assembling the bookshelf I started on yesterday. But it's 7:38 pm and I haven't done any of it. Or, I should say, I haven't done any more of it. Of course, I wouldn't have to do it at all if my husband hadn't moved the old bookcase up to our bedroom, leaving a bunch of orphaned books and knick knacks on our couch that now need a new home. I spent just about the entire day reading a romance novel. I don't know if I've ever mentioned it before, but I read romance novels...a lot. I've always enjoyed them, and I know as an "educated" woman I'm supposed to be embarrassed about that, but I really don't care. I like 'em. In particular, I like historical romance, primarily set during Regency Era England. Mainly because I like Jane Austen...a lot. I have to confess what threw me off my construction plans, though, was daylight savings time. After I'd come out of the shower this morning, preparing to got to 12:15 mass (the last mass of the day), my husband came up the stairs and asked, "What did we forget to do?" I thought he was talking about going to 10:30 mass because he'd said that's what he wanted to do, so I said I hadn't forgotten, just figured we'd only get it together in time for 12:15 mass as usual. Then he asked, "No, what did we forget to do that involves time?" And then I remembered daylight savings and realized 12:15 mass was 30 minutes away and that we'd never make it in time, so we missed mass. Once I knew we'd missed mass, I figured the day was already blown to hell, so I'd just read my book. Despite the change in plans, I can't complain.

March 03, 2008

About two weeks ago, I got a phone call from a guy asking if I'd be interested in filming a commercial for a local furniture store. He told me he'd called the civic theatre where I've been doing stuff for the last year asking for a comedic actress, and they gave him my name, which was cool. I was really flattered that they'd think of me. At any rate, he sent me the script and after I read it, I told him I'd do it. Anyway, we were supposed to film it tomorrow, but it seems the guy who owns the store can't make up his mind about which commercial he wants to do and, at this point, the commercial I was supposed to do is on hold indefinitely. Me, personally, I'm not all that torn up about it, but I think the few people I'd told about it were looking forward to seeing the commercial. The only thing I'm a little sad about is that I was going to totally try and finagle a new recliner out of the deal instead of a paycheck. A new recliner would have been AWESOME.