Monty Python Scripts

Arthur 'Two Sheds' Jackson

The cast:

The sketch:

Host: Last week the Royal Festival Hall saw the
first performance of a new symphony by one of the world's leading
modern composers, Arthur 'Two sheds' Jackson. Mr. Jackson.

Jackson: Hello.

Host: May I just sidetrack for
one moment. This -- what shall I call it -- nickname of yours...

Jackson: Ah yes.

Host: "Two sheds". How did you come by it?

Jackson: Well, I don't use it myself, but some
of my friends call me "Two Sheds".

Host: And do you in fact have two sheds?

Jackson: No, I've only got one. I've had one for
some time, but a few years ago I said I was thinking of getting
another, and since then some people have called me "Two Sheds".

Host: In spite of the fact that you only have
one.

Jackson: Yes.

Host: And are you still intending to purchase
this second shed?

Jackson:(impatient) No!

Host: ...To bring you in line with your epithet?

Jackson: No.

Host: I see, I see. Well to return to your
symphony.

Jackson: Ah yes.

Host: Did you write this symphony in the shed?

Jackson:(surprised) No!

Host: Have you written any of your recent works
in this shed of yours?

Jackson: No, no, not at all. It's just an
ordinary garden shed.

Host: I see, I see. And you're thinking of
buying this second shed to write in!

Jackson: No, no. Look. This shed business -- it
doesn't really matter. The sheds aren't important. A few friends
call me Two Sheds and that's all there is to it. I wish you'd ask me
about the music. Everybody talks about the sheds. They've got it out
of proportion -- I'm a composer. I'm going to get rid of the shed.
I'm fed up with it!

Host: Then you'll be Arthur 'No Sheds' Jackson,
eh?

Jackson: Look, forget about the sheds. They
don't matter.

Host:(sternly) Mr. Jackson, I think,
with respect, we ought to return to the subject of your symphony.

Jackson: Huh!

Host: I understand that you used to be
interested in train-spotting.

Jackson: What?

Host: I understand that, about thirty years ago,
you were interested in train-spotting.