Do you want your men’s ministry to be lame? Then just keep having Bible studies and prayer breakfasts like you’ve been doing for years, and you’ll…

… sorry, we fell asleep for a few minutes there just thinking about how boring your men’s ministry is.

If your church is a true New Testament church with a killer lampstand, you need an EXTREME men’s ministry, with an emphasis on the EXTREME. If you care about the souls of your men at all, you need to feed their egos and pet hobbies with some really jacked MANLY entertainment at all times.

We know that’s a lot of pressure, but the good news is that The Babylon Bee has literally dozens of on-staff experts who know a thing or two about running a godly, EXTREME men’s ministry. Follow along as we transform your men’s ministry from LAME-O to PRIMO.

1.) Stockpile enough assault rifles to kick off a second American Revolution. Some men’s ministries only have two or three semiautomatic .22 caliber rifles. Sad! You need a big enough arsenal to overthrow the government, should the time come. Anti-tank weaponry, fully automatic light machine guns, hand grenades, even an attack helicopter or two—make sure you’ve got the goods for a really lit men’s ministry event.

2.) Run at least a dozen concurrent fantasy leagues throughout the year. How can you expect men to just be interested in fellowshiping with other Christians or—GAG—”doing life together”? As a pastor, you should be spending the majority of your time as league commissioner for fantasy football, fantasy baseball, fantasy basketball—heck, even fantasy disc golf! Your job is to appease the masses with fun, competitive distractions at all times.

3.) Pound ten cases of Monster Energy Drinks and Mountain Dew before each event. This will allow your raw, manly nature to bubble up to the surface, culminating in a primal roar that will echo through the fellowship halls of all those lame churches without cool men’s ministries. WE ARE MEN, HEAR US ROAR!

4.) Kidnap John Eldredge in the middle of the night and force him to speak at all your events. A frightened, quivering John Eldredge who just wants to go home and see his family again is the perfect speaker for all your men’s events. Now grab your M249 machine guns, print out a map of Eldredge’s home off Google Maps, and get in there and steal yourself the bestselling author of Wild at Heart, if you care about the eternal fate of your church’s men at all.

5.) Drop all the men in the middle of Death Valley with no food or water and break their legs. You can’t really understand what it means to be a true godly man unless you’ve gnawed off your own leg in hunger and thirst, and the only way your church’s men are going to really become sanctified is if you abandon them in the middle of the desert. Just tell them you’re all going to a new spot for your regular Saturday morning men’s ministry shooting trip, and then cackle like a maniac as you leave them all to fend for themselves. Great work, Pastor!