Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Awards the NHL should consider

Upon the completion of the season, the NHL hosts their stuffy award show. For one night, the boys dress up in their tuxedos, answer retarded questions from reporters, and parade around with Russian models (if you're Russian). The three indicators of being Russian: a sallow nuclear-fallout complexion, jacked up teeth, and euro-mullet. If you hit all three, you might be a Commie!

I have come up with some awards that the Bruins would win if the NHL would ever consider adding some that really don't mean anything.

Here they are, in no particular order...

The "I'm Going To Steal Your Girlfriend Because I'm Just So Damn Cute" award goes to....Marc Savard! I swear to god, every time they show this guy, my girlfriend envisions herself having his children. Yes, he is cute. So cute that even having his face burned off in a bizarre microwave accident would do nothing to lower her attraction to him. She could just look into those eyes forever...

The "Bad Teeth, Big Skill" award goes to...David Krejci! This dude looks like he was hit in the mouth by the fender of a 1984 Ford Escort.

The "Amateur Porn Star" aware goes to...Phil Kessel! He gets it for two reasons:1. He already has his niche. Apparently one-nut porn is taking off. Especially in Sweden. Just ask Mats Sundin.2. The shorts that he wears provide enough inner thigh shots that you know he isn't shy in the bedroom with cameras.

The "Missing Link" award goes to...Stephane Yelle! Have you seen how hairy this guy is??? I swear I saw him shaving on the bench last game. Rumor has it that the first time Timmy Thomas saw Yelle showering, he ran to his truck and got his bow, thinking that a bear had made it into the practice rink. A quick left hook from Edgecrusher Thornton knocked Thomas out and stopped what would have been a very strange day. Of course, this being the Bruins and all, I'm sure the organization has seen violent incidents with hunting implements (you know a drunk Harry Sinden has killed at least four hookers with knives/salt licks/muzzleloaders over the years).

The "Wow, What A Great Outfit...No, Seriously, I Really Like It...snicker snicker..." award goes to:PJ! When he's not in his hockey gear, he looks like a walking optical illusion. If you just kind of let your eyes unfocus...and subconsciously look through all those conflicting patterns and materials....OH MY GOD, THERE'S A HOCKEY PLAYER UNDER THERE!

The "Not All Earth-Loving Hippies Are Pussies" award goes to...Andrew Ference! He is in disguise (shaved head, muscular stature), but a dread-locked, Phish fan is under that facade. If all hippies could mobilize and motivate like Ference has, we would be facing a very stinky uprising.

The "Diva In A Uniform" award goes to...Manny! Chipped nail? Out. Bad hairstyle? Out. And I mean out as in "I was out with A-Rod last night, and boy is my groin sore!"

The "Go Ahead, Say Something About My Sweet Moustache" award goes to...Shawn Thornton! Seriously, even when he's rocking his Village People facial hair, I am to afraid to say anything. Of course now it's written in some blog. Shit. Mr. Thornton, if I ever meet you, please allow me to someday have children. Don't hurt me too bad.

The "Gronk, Smash" award goes to...LOOCH. See an opposing player? Gronk, smash. See a piece of glass with an opposing player in close proximity? Gronk, smash. See a big, fat puck just laying in the slot? Gronk, smash. He is a caveman.

The "I'm 6'5" And There Is No Reason I Should Be Able To Skate This Fast" award goes to...Blake Wheeler! Sometimes he looks like that kid on The Mighty Ducks 2 that can't stop. The kid that played Benny in The Sandlot. You know who I'm talking about, right? Beaner Gonzalez? Something like that. Maybe they should build a pyramid of soda cans in the corners and see if Wheels can stop before hitting them. $5 says no.

The "I Was An Extra In Roadhouse" award goes to...Shane Hnidy! The guy can fight with his fists and his engraved switchblade. That's what you call a double threat.

The "Little Package, Little Effort, Little Skill" award goes to...Vladimir Sobotka! THANK FUCKING CHRIST HE WAS SENT BACK DOWN TO PROVIDENCE. I'll take Bacon Bitz over him any fucking day. Even friday.

So there you have it. Like I said, I doubt the NHL will ever consider giving out these awards, as Betteman is too busy hanging out under Crosby and Ovechkin's locker room stalls.

Candace: thanks for the info. I heard that he's a firefighter in California now.Araev16: she's Portuguese. What more can I say? As for Hnidy, I found some poetry from him..."Roses are red, violets are blue, if you crosscheck my goalie, I will fucking switchblade you." Wow.Tom: I agree with the Elijah Wood comment. He and Savvy will look twenty years younger than their actual age for the rest of their lives.