Millionaire-rage error as B&Q boss is packed flat

A drug rehab worker from Slough is facing a charge of assaulting Martyn Phillips, the CEO of DIY retail giant B&Q.

“Martyn spent a few days with us filming our work and I’d recognized him from a recent Guardian article” said Joan Evans “It was clear he was a ‘Secret Millionaire’ and I’d already begun to make a list of what we’d spend the money on. Err… not drugs, of course, I knew he’d need a receipt. In any event, what we confiscate from residents on admission and the odd room-search get me all the gear I need with a little left over for ‘friends’. You sorted?”

The incident occurred, says Evans, when the crew was filming Phillips saying his farewells in a local coffee shop. "I couldn’t believe it when he just said ‘goodbye’ on the last morning and got up to go without leaving a £25,000 cheque or even paying for the coffee. I can’t afford Starbucks on my wages and - as I thought he’d be picking up the tab - I’d gone for a Grande Mocha Frappuccino and a large Danish. So, I grabbed the selfish swine by the collar, told him I knew who he really was - and where he worked - and asked him what he had for me.”

Phillips, nursing a black eye and bruised lip, was still bemused by it all “I was just finishing a week’s ‘job-swap’ with a documentary film maker and I could only think that Joan was asking for some discount on B&Q goods. So I asked her if she wanted decking or flooring but that only seemed to make things worse. The next thing I knew I was flat on my back.”

Evans was unrepentant today. “The insensitive twat started telling variations on that Jack Dee ‘Do you want decking? B&Q joke, which wound me right up. But when he got personal about the décor of my flat and asked if I had the painters in I really saw red. Well, ‘Matt White with a Hint of Blush’, to be strictly accurate. Then I planked him.”