feel so, so different

Trigger warning- a bit of reflection on those horrid suicidal thoughts.
Yesterday kicked off with a book parade. Lots of kids wearing put together at home costumes (as requested by the school), teachers in fabulous costume and the Principal dressed as captain underpants. I remembered how last year I had felt really sad going past another school on the bus as all the kids arrived in their book week costumes. So I put it on the agenda for school council but then a book character parade happened quickly before we even got to the meeting. It's grown from there and it was such sweet fun. I am really pleased about that. We also opened the new library and that's another thing I'm glad we have back at the school. It's humble but it can evolve.
After the school shenanigans I went into town to pick my other new pair of boots. They are still a little tight so am wearing with thick socks and leather stretch. And admiring how beautiful they are. They had better fit because they are my perfect short boot. Also been thinking about going to Queensland. Having a week off and have convinced work to let me take a week of flex as well - accrued as I pointed out by staying back and seeing customers after others had left. I have totally earned that week. But Queensland would be expensive, even more expensive the two pairs of boots, new clothes and books. I could afford to go to Queensland (without putting it on the credit card) for a few days and hang out with my sister and the cousins at a hotel with a pool but I have been saving and I dislike seeing that number go down - even if it is temporary. Now I am not depressed, suddenly all I want to do is spend money, it seems. Last weekend mum thought I was a little high but I don't think I am. I certainly don't want that to be the case as it feels rather good. Sometimes I feel like I come across differently, that I am somehow not quite me. A bit more assertive, a bit more jolly, a bit more gung ho, some strange expressions. But I don't really feel that way. No, not at all.
I feel as though a big porous boulder of sadness and surrounding stones of anxiety have been removed from inside my body. The suicidal thoughts are gone. Including the usual random background thoughts. All gone. I wonder why that is, because those very low level thoughts have been with me as background for as long as I can remember. They don't often get to the scary level and I have only ever felt like acting on those kinds of thoughts once before, in my thirties, when I had a what I now see as a manic low. After work I would hole up in my bedroom to smoke bongs while listening to Nirvana. Wearing a well washed flanny shirt and ugg boots. At work I baked cakes as tears streamed down my face. My family intervened and I got some really good help. But now I am curious as to why I felt like that both these times, why do I have these thoughts at all? Can I banish them for ever? I feel like I have to understand this as when I look back at that awful week, it horrifies me. Now I feel well again, I have plans for the house and for a business. I feel like I can do things and I am surrounded by good people I love and who love me. So much to live for.

So yeah, I'll take this little white pill with the terrible reputation. At least until I feel like I don't need it any more. And then if it turns out I really did need it then I will take it again. I asked my doctor why she prescribed this rather than a new anti psychotic and she said that she had seen it work in similar circumstances on the ward and she thought it might work for me. I had one of those moments when I thought about her experience and learning and exposure to lots of other crazy people and realise, yes that's why I pay you the big bucks. That's why it's worth it. Of course I might well be fighting with her again once the drug honeymoon wears off but she's helped me get out of that hole, more or less intact. I'm thankful for that.
It seems like a few things are coming together for me right now. After I watched this video, well I've watched it several times now and the first time it made me cry, I went and bought Susan Cain's book Quiet. I don't think I've ever pretended that I'm not an introvert, even when I have wished I was otherwise, but I don't think I've ever been able to place a value on introversion. Indeed I've always felt there was something wrong with me and perhaps because our culture places a high value on extrovert qualities. I've often wished I was different, less wrong, more extroverted. Reading this book is helping me articulate why I need to leave my job eventually, why it is bad for me. It's ironic that the aspect of my work that I am best at and enjoy the most - interviewing - and which adds the most value to the organisation, is not something I can do all day, day after day in a big noisy open plan office. To stay in that job would mean that I could probably only ever work part time and even then it's unlikely to be good for my well being. I've been trying to think about whether the job could be redesigned to suit me better but somehow I don't think that is a possibility. Never mind, I have plans and if they don't work out then I'll think of something else.

Thank you for all your kind wishes on my last post. It was really lovely to feel heard and read.

2 comments:

I've been thinking about that video since you posted it. The stimulation thing really resonated for me, especially with the sensory stuff. Penelope Trunk write a lot about introversion/sensory issues at work, I've always found that useful. It's that hard thing where I love interacting with people, but then I need to go hide. I feel too isolated at work at the moment, but also too stimulated. How does that even work? I guess I'm just Special. Sigh.

I don't think I'm an introvert, but there's only so much I can take of some sensory overloads. Can't do shopping malls or large crowds like the Royal Melbourne Show for too long. Can teach tap for quite a while though... luckily.

I hope the white pill keeps doing its stuff, it is great to hear you don't have the sad and anxious thoughts going on. Just ace.