Monday, March 02, 2009

The obesity epidemic claims another victim

A few weeks ago, I got tricked into attending a bachelor party for a peripheral friend. None of the planners were feeling particularly creative, so we spent some of the night slumming it at the ESPN Zone. Yes, I know, the same ESPN Zone where the premier source of entertainment for 30-year-olds involves throwing under inflated footballs through plywood cutout and eventually each other’s groins.

The Zone also features a seizure inducing amount of other sports video games. But unlike the penny arcades I used go to, the machines don’t accept legal US tender. Here, you're required to purchase a flimsy plastic card filled with invisible game credits that quickly slip away into the shame-filled night.

I still have the card with a few credits left on it. And since today is a snow day and this thing is taking up room in my wallet, I thought I’d burn through the last of the credits by shooting beams of light with a tiny plastic shotgun at digital antelope. It makes me feel like a big man.

Or that was the plan.

Until I ran into this guy…

Apparently the Nationals have redesigned Screech. And, um, we need to talk about what’s clearly going on here.

Jacked and toned torso

Ill-proportionatd/scrawny legs

New, aggressive looking beak

Giant head

The rumors he spent the off-season in the DR with A-Rod’s cousin

OK. I’m not the type of guy who makes wild accusations. I mean, I was a college athlete. The pressure to legally or illegally push your body a little further than what can be naturally achieved in the weight room is promoted everywhere. And we are in a new area of baseball.

It’s only March 2nd but none of the news coming out of Nationals spring training is positive. Is it really the right time to cast off Screech’s Babe Ruth image in favor of one that’s a little more Miguel Tejada? Hell, that could be Nook Logan under all the fur. He’s got to get back to the big leagues somehow.