“I ain’t lonely, but I spend a lot of time alone More than I’d like to, but I’m okay with stayin’ home My how the last few months have changed … I breathe in, I breathe out Got friends to call who let me talk about What ain’t workin’, what’s still hurtin’ All the things I feel like cussin’ out Now and then I let it go, I ride the waves I can’t control I’m learnin’ how to build a better boat” – Liz Rose and Travis Meadows

This is a blog that I have wanted to write for a while, but I knew it would be hard to write and I knew it would be a hard to follow, it’s a jumbling mess – just like inside my head right now. Here goes …

Lately my mind has been a jumble of so many things. I’m angry and frustrated and sad and confused. I am a pretty calm and happy person, I don’t like raised voices, I meditate, defuse lavender, sit in a sauna… But I have a level of anxiety I have never experienced before. I can’t quite tie it to one particular thing. It’s not school, work, the dogs, house stuff … it’s just a general feeling of being incredibly overwhelmed. I feel like no matter what decision I make I am letting someone down – who? No idea. Myself? No idea.

It started about 8 months ago, at that point I could manage it by having only two commitments in a day (grocery store & work, dinner at my parents & working out). If I added something else – like I needed to take my car in or I had to pick something up somewhere, or I took on another freelance job – I lost it. Like broke down, hysterically crying, hyperventilating, lost it. I settled into that but recently it got bad again. It is now to the point where I am not sleeping again, I have acid reflux (which I’ve never had before) and any little thing can set me off. I’ll just be driving and start crying. My stomach is constantly burning and I’m always exhausted.

Before anyone responds here, yes I see a counselor, originally it was every few weeks, then once an month and now its back to every week or so.

I am loving school. I am so motivated to get done and start helping people. I can’t wait to actually be making a difference in people’s lives. I love the competition of class (I know it’s not a competition! hahahaha, but it is!) and realizing that I KNOW this. I CAN do this and I can be amazing at it. I love discovering that for the two years I was a caregiver, I was doing it right. I also love knowing that although it was heartbreaking and pushed me to my limits on a daily basis it prepared me for my life now. I feel such a sense of accomplishment. (so it’s not that!)

I love my house. I am doing a lot around the house to make it a home; carport, extending my deck, shoveling 10 tons of rock, mowing 2 acres hahahahaha But I love it and feel settled and feel like I have a real home for the first time in years. (This maybe be part of the overwhelming part – I have to make all these decisions alone… the color of the roof of the carport? I don’t know let me call my dad. 5 tons of gravel or 4? I don’t know let me call my dad. Riding mower? I don’t know let me call my dad. Quotes on extending my deck? Seems high, let me call my dad. My poor dad!)

Two dogs … should have done it sooner. They are happy and I love them.

Work – happy to be working again.

This is where it really gets jumbley…

The triggers are emotional and I need to get over them. I need to figure out how to not take other people’s actions personally. But I want to shake them!! How can you take your loved ones, your friends, your family for granted? How can you treat these people like an after thought?

I will help anyone, seriously anyone. I will drop what I’m doing to help someone. I also never ask for help, but when I do, I actually need it, but it is always (other than my parents) “I can’t commit to that” or “can you do it another day” or just simply not answering the phone. I know how to “fix” this, I need to stop saying yes to everyone. I need to establish boundaries and take care of me. I need to stop doing things for people that take me for granted.

I think I need to accept the fact that not everyone has the same heart. People always think of themselves first. I don’t, I really don’t – I think it’s a “hazard” of being a caregiver on the level I was for so long.

I can’t explain how bad this affects my life. I can’t wrap my head around the way people treat others. It’s not my life, not my relationship, not my home and none of my business. BUT, it just seriously hurts my heart that people are so selfish. I don’t know why I can’t let it go. I am working on it!

See it doesn’t take any sense, it’s a jumble. IT MAKES NO SENSE. The only way I can keep the anxiety to a minimum is to keep my daily tasks limited so that I can work around all the mess in my head. If I pile too many “activities” into my day there is no room for all the confusion and feelings in my head to process. I can process everything as long I have time to sit and do it. I am slower at everything now – taking my time and enjoying life, even shoveling rock. The thing is, this is affecting my live, in a negative way. I am trying to work on it, trying to remember I can only worry about my home and what goes on in there. I can’t control others, their feelings or they actions. I can only worry about how I live my life and if the way someone else lives theirs affects me on this level I need to reconsider having them in my life on a close, personal level until I can get passed this.

It’s time to take care of me. to make myself my priority.

As I was writing this blog this song kept, at least 5 times, opening on my computer and playing…

3 thoughts on ““I ain’t lonely, but I spend a lot of time alone More than I’d like to, but I’m okay with stayin’ home My how the last few months have changed … I breathe in, I breathe out Got friends to call who let me talk about What ain’t workin’, what’s still hurtin’ All the things I feel like cussin’ out Now and then I let it go, I ride the waves I can’t control I’m learnin’ how to build a better boat” – Liz Rose and Travis Meadows”

Victoria, this challenge we were given….certainly never wanted or asked for…. it is not a short trip – it is what we have to live with. This will always be a part of your life. You will find a new partner and life. But it NEVER replaces the love and partner you lost. I have been living with this pain for 34 years – and it still breaks my heart! But not every day is bad. You are doing awesome!!! The best thing is to be kind to yourself. Bad days and times happen. It could be tomorrow or ten years from now. There is no timeline for grieving. Be kind to yourself. I truly believe the he would tell you the same thing. My great grandmother lost her husband 70 years ago. Even though she went on to marry again and was married for 40 years with her second husband, she always cried for her first husband. Sorry this is so long, but there is no timeline. Be kind to yourself and feel your feeling.