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Friday, May 4, 2012

New Revelation Has Nothing to Do with Romney. Nothing

SALT LAKE CITY—In a press
conference this morning, LDS Church spokesman Ken Roberts made the surprise
announcement that a new revelation had been received.

The communication focuses on
the new doctrine that dogs are "totally OK" with riding for long
distances while strapped to the roof of a car.

"Yea, and behold,"
the preliminary text reads in part, "verily, I did create the dog, after
all, in all its many forms, breeds, and kinds, so if anyone knoweth what they
like, I wouldst think that I wouldst. So thou canst totally trust me when I
tell thee that the hound, yea, which I hast made as a companion to thee, is
completely down with riding on the roofs of thine devices of motion. Yea, even
if it's for, say, a few hundred miles. I promise thee."

Spokesman Roberts acknowledged the unusual nature of the divine
communication. "We were as surprised as you were," he stated,
"especially given the Church's well-known stance of political neutrality.
Wait. What? Why did I say that? Ha ha. I can't see that this has anything to do
with politics. That was odd. Must have been the Spirit."

Church leaders will present the revelation at the next General Conference for a
vote to have it acknowledged as canonical scripture. "Luckily," said
Roberts, "Conference is really close to November, so it will be fresh in
peoples' minds. Wait, sorry—what does that have to do with anything? What
is my deal today?"
Additional portions to the revelation include: "Wherefore, is this not
like in the days of your fathers? Verily, did not the children of Israel
carry their dogs in such a manner? And if a man findeth his lost sheep or
sheepdog, doth he not place it on his shoulders or bungee it to the luggage
rack, that it may be carried to safety?"

Roberts added that other scriptural clarifications may come between "now
and Nove . . . I mean, October." One of those could include the
following addition to Mark 7:28: "And she answered and said unto him, Yes,
Lord: yet the dogs under the table eat
of the children’s crumbs when, Lord, those selfsame dogs are not enjoying
fresh air at 55 miles per hour."