Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
4748

Heart Attack On The Golf Course
A husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack: "Please dear, I need help." she said.
The husband ran off saying: "I'll go get some help." A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green. His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said: "I may be dying and you're putting?"
"Don't worry, dear. I found a doctor on the second hole. He said he will come and help you."
"The second hole?!" she exclaimed: "When in the world is he coming?"
"I told you not to worry," he said, practice stroking his putt.
"Everyone's already agreed to let him play through." Ryan Murphy

Tuesday

Joke
N°
4749

Do You Remember?
A woman wakes up during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she asks: "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee and says: "Do you remember 20 years ago, when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife: lowering herself into a chair beside him.
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said: "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that, too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says: "I would have gotten out today." Ryan Murphy

Wednesday

Joke
N°
4750

Drunken Aerobics
A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles. A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her: "I love a woman who does aerobics."
The woman replies angrily: "I don't DO aerobics!"
The drunk man then looks at the woman and says: "Then how did you get your leg up so high?" Ryan Murphy

Thursday

Joke
N°
4751

A Family Affair
"Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea," a patient told his urologist over the phone: "He got it from screwing our maid."
"OK, don't be too hard on him," the doctor soothed: "he's just a kid. Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."
"But, Doc, I've been screwing the maid too and I have the same symptoms!"
"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up," replied the doctor.
"Well," the man admitted: "I think my wife now has it too."
"Son of a bitch!" the physician roared: "That means we all have it!"
Ryan Murphy

Friday

Joke
N°
4752

Unusual Operation
A beautiful young woman nervously asked her doctor to remove a large chunk of green wax from her navel. Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked: "How did this happen?"
"Let me put it this way, Doc," the girl began: "My boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight."
Ryan Murphy

Saturday

Joke
N°
4753

Revealing Driver’s License
A mother is driving her young daughter to her friend’s house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks: "how old are you?"
The mother looks over at the little girl and says: "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite."
"OK," the little girl says: "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says: "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks: "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"Enough of your questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother drops her daughter off and leaves her to play with her friend.
"My mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend, a few moments later.
"All you need to do is look at her driver's license," the friend replies: "It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother: "I know you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds," the little girl says.
The mother is past surprise and shock now: "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" she asks.
The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorced."
"Oh really?" the mother asks: "Why is that?"
To which the girl replies: "Because you got an F in sex." Ryan Murphy

Sunday

Joke
N°
4754

Old Balls
Jim had been playing golf for years. He had the finest equipment but his technique never improved a bit. As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods.
"Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend asked.
"Are you kidding me?" Jim responded: "I've never had an old ball!" Ryan Murphy