2 days…

I decided to start a journal otherwise all of these thoughts in my head will just drive me nuts. I still don’t know if this is something that I will ever send you. I also don’t know that if I do that you would even read it.

You said that if we are truly meant to be that we will find each other again in life. I wish I could hold onto that and believe it but I can’t. I need to find a way to let go of you or I won’t live my life to the fullest in hope that you will come back to me and that’s just not fair. This might have been easier if you’d never said that to me. Sure it’s silly to hold onto a phrase like that, but knowing that this is done forever is something I think I’m a little bit more capable of accepting.

It’s been 2 days since we stopped talking. Some times of the day are worse than others. I just miss your voice, hearing about the things that are going on in your life. Are you thinking of me? I know this isn’t easy for you either but I still feel as if this is harder for me. I’ve been listening to Katelyn Tarver-You don’t know, a lot. I can really relate to it. I’ve been angry at times but then I remind myself that you’re just doing what’s best for you. I get why you left… I do. You’re family is your priority and that’s how it should be. I respect that. Thinking of Jana in your arms, kissing you, you laying next to her, and making love to her destroys me. I have a feeling that you’ll stray away from her again into someone else’s arms and that hurts me just the same. Will you find someone else that replaces me in your heart?

I’ve been hoping that you would just contact me. I just want to hear your voice. But I know that will never happen. I guess I’m still a little bit in denial. I think to myself “there is no way this is really over” But this time our goodbye was final. I felt it in my bones. Which is what scares me even more. Yet I still keep my phone close by, checking it constantly. But I know that it’s not fair to either of us to keep this up. Which is why I will never contact you.