January 26, 2005

Extreme Warning: Beware ID cards

University ID cards are rumoured to contain behaviour modification chips, meaning that their holders can be influenced into acting as instructed by some central body. The university was originally blamed but as things stand there is no evidence that indites them.

The chips were first suspected by Professor Nickety Nick Nickot of Warwick's Behaviour alteration department. "For a long time I have wondered why students chose to spend money in university outlets such as Bar Food or Library Cafe, they're so expensive for the amount of food available." From here he began to wonder if something was controlling the students' behaviour patterns. His first thought was water contamination, but he soon ruled out the idea "Well it couldn't be the water, its already so full of fluoride and strains of right wing politics, there really isn't room for anything else."

However in a stroke of good fortune Nickot's friend Professor Tom Tynold of the psychology department was investigating the high number of students who suffered from what is technically known as "Going into a room for some reason, but once you get there forgetting why it was you went in." After discussing each other's work over dinner they pondered upon a link between the two topics. Tynold takes up the story, "Many students choose to walk through the Arts Centre on their way to the bus stop or their halls of residence. Our studies showed that whilst in there they forget why they went in, but until I spoke to Nickety I didn't suspect anything sinister."

Once the ideas merged it became clear that indeed something sinister was going on, "We did some more research and found that those students forgetting why they were in the Arts Centre assumed they'd gone in there to get a cup of coffee or a snack, something no rational minded person would ever do." says Tynold. This was followed up by researching the Library Cafe and Bar Food, which gave similar results.

Whilst the possibility of a capitalist conspiracy is disturbing enough, it is feared that the cards have other affects too, which are thought may explain the alarming amounts of student apathy and the disproportionately high number of extreme right wing articles appearing in The Boar.

"We're quite concerned" says Tynold, "It would explain alot though, well meaning students who plan to take a stand often find themselves somehow unable to get out of bed in the mornings." One extreme case saw a whole corridor of first years in Rootes unable to get out of bed for a whole week. The corridor below just thought they'd got really drunk and were suffering from the ultimate collective hangover. However it turns out that they were planning on protesting about the lack of on campus recycling facilities, which after becoming bed struck they were unable to do.

Nickot is now working on a way to disarm the cards if indeed they are responsible, but for now his advice is that all students should minimise contact with them, he does not reccomend melting them, if indeed it is possible to do so. "It's quite possible that the cards, or whoever is controlling them, will not allow that to happen. We've had trial runs, but students attempting to melt them have suddenly found themselves unable to light a match." It is worth stressing that evidence currently is slightly tenuous so students should not concern themselves too much, however they should be cautious about overusing the cards.