totally cool, totally original, totally tolu

9.12pm, thursday 1st december 2016

sorry I haven’t been here for a while. It’s the usual excuse: school is practically killing me. I was feeling a little (ha) upset today, and while I was writing in my diary, I thought this would be an interesting perspective to share:

‘Life is hard. That’s probably a bit too deep for 9.12pm on a Thursday evening in November – but so be it. I just had a kinda breakdown kinda anxiety attack – all rolled into one long episode. It’s funny, because nothing BIG happened to me today – in fact, it was a pretty average day on the whole. But with anxiety, it’s like you have this massive weight on your shoulders – made up of all the worries and anxieties and intrusive thoughts that are swirling around your brain at any given moment. Sure, they many slip out of your mind for an elusive moment – but you can never quite forget them. They’re like the lines left on paper after you try to rub something out.

Today, that same weight was baring its weight on my fed-up, sleep-deprived shoulders like any other day – and it was a series of small (unfortunate) events that set off a chain reaction. This morning, I pulled out a copy of Pride and Prejudice on the bus (I had been looking forwards to reading it, you see) – except the book was practically destroyed, thanks to the bus floor being extremely wet and seeping through the bottom of my bag. Many to anyone else, it wouldn’t have been too big of a deal – but the negative emotion brought out a whole flood of desperation, depression and self-pity.

Again, tonight my ring binder with 3 years’ worth of 3 subjects’ revision notes (basically tonnes of hard work) broke – and it was like the ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’. I lost it. Suddenly, I couldn’t cope with anything – all the grievance, annoyances and self-critical observations I had made earlier in the day came rushing in, and I felt completely and utterly helpless.’