Discover what happens after the break-up

Day 88 After Break-up

Today I spent most of the day trying to erase the feeling in my stomach. I just felt ill, but knew it was all emotional. I couldn’t really focus on anything long enough to take my mind away. I think it would have been a good day to have had a video game system. As the day wore on I found myself thinking about my mother. Specifically, how a week for before she passed, she was full of energy in the hospital, and told the nurses Tina was her daughter-in-law. And I think of the night she passed, Dec 31st, 2005. Tina was there right next to me in the hospital as me and my step-father told the nurses to turn the respirator off.

I feel true sorrow that a person that is there with you at such a moment in life, will not be your life partner. I know I’m not the only person that has had to face such a reality. But I also know that they must have felt the same sorrow as I. It’s different from the sadness of not being with that person. What that quality is, that is different, I can’t really describe. I can just tell the difference. It would seem to me that those are the moments that bind people together in a stronger way. And maybe it does, but I’m the only one between us that lost anyone close to them while in the relationship. First my grandmother, and then my mother. Lord willing, Tina will have many years before she has to go through that.

I can only shake my head and just face that this is the way life is. It never quite turns out the way you think it will or should. The question is always how do you deal with it and face the curve balls that life throws you. This has struck me out. But I know my mother, who is above and I’m sure shaking her head spiritually speaking at Tina’s choice, is also looking at me, and urging me on to get back up at bat. And I will. My joy may be gone for now. My happiness suppressed as I try and heal, and rebuild, but I will come back. I’ve got a large capacity to love inside myself, and someone deserves to receive it, and I deserve to find someone to give me the same back.