Thursday, March 17, 2005

Self Defense Against Fresh Fruit

Morning Edition, March 17, 2005 · Even granting that the man was trying to commit a robbery, you still have to feel just a little for a British man named Robert Downey. He's been sentenced to seven years in prison after he tried to rob a bookie. Downey claimed he had a gun inside a plastic grocery bag, but the intended victim noticed that it was really a banana. When police arrived, they caught the suspect while he was distracted trying to pull off his uncomfortably tight ski mask.

I was intrigued, so I, your intrepid and ever-accurate reporter, dug deeper. I thought the situation sounded familiar and I soon found out why: Clearly, the intended victim received his self-defense training from these tough lads:

Sgt. Major: Right. Bananas. How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. Now you, come at me with this banana. Catch! Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him 'elpless.