Personal journey exploring mental illness and suicide

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Day 928

When something like this happens, it changes who you are and how you live your life. Your alignment with the universe shifts and you transform into an avatar of your former self. There are some similarities but huge differences.

I can’t remember what I used to be like.

Large swathes of my mental canvas have been rendered blank. Maybe it’s a defence mechanism. Maybe it’s the accelerated ageing process. Maybe shock and grief have gobbled up millions of my grey cells. Maybe part of my brain has mulched into pulp.

Whole new plantations have made an appearance in this barren space. I feel like I am going mad about MAD – making a difference. Writing was a miniscule and secretive part of my life but now it claims a lot of territory. I used to spend a lot of time and energy on my job. Now it takes up only a small part of my time. My job used to be satisfying and pleasurable. Now it sits in the back-ground. I find fulfilment in writing, connecting with people and volunteering my time to raise awareness of mental health issues.

Keeping Saagar alive through sharing his story seems like the most meaningful thing to do. Repeating his story as many times as it takes, to change things that need to change is of paramount importance.

Living in gratitude is the only way to live.

Last week I wrote this article sitting at the dining table in my parent’s house with the intention to mark the Mental Health Awareness week. Thankfully Huffington post published it today.

Such compassion to others Sangeeta. Thank you for your support during my journey so far. We have the inquest for Richard next week. A week long, I need all the strength I can muster for this. You are a special lady. Xxx

Dear Sangeeta keep strong i cannot even fathom how hard it is for you each day but whenever you are low and mad think of so many helpless people like us who need your guidance and Saagar is watching you from paradise smiling and being happy and proud of his Mamma for her selfless acts.. of guidance…. and i am sure he shows some signs each day for you to feel he is with you in spirits.Hugs.

Thank you Rajee. Yes. He is always with me. In my heart. Giving me strength and inspiration to do everything I can to ensure that other bright lights like him don’t suffer alone and don’t get extinguished before their time. xxx