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Monday, December 17, 2012

GUEST POST: Tom, Rita, and Me: an Extremely Specific Life Fantasy

I have a
dream. Not a beautiful, meaningful, Martin Luther King kind of dream. My dream
is to be the next-door neighbor of Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson.

Tom and Rita, basically
the greatest thing to ever happen to anyone, ever.

Someday,
when I have mysteriously made a lot of money despite not having any apparent
talents (other than being able to name all of the Duggar children), I will buy
the house next to Tom and Rita. We will become fast friends, and they will view
me as the child they never had (since their actual children are lame,
probably).

Tom and I orchestrate
all sorts of pranks to pull on Rita, the kids, and our dumb boring neighbors,
Gwyneth Paltrow and the Coldplay guy. Gwyneth is always judging Tom and me for
our unhealthy eating habits. Like, we get it, Gwyn, YOU’RE A VEGAN. GO DRINK
SOME KALE JUICE. Rita is a little embarrassed at our antics, and scolds us in
front of Gwyneth to save face. Sometimes Tom and I sell stories to the tabloids
about Gwyn. We use the money to buy costumes and supplies for elaborate pranks.

Tom (Hanks) and me,
engaged in an elaborate prank.

Tom lets me
go with him to his talk show appearances sometimes. I hang out in the green
room. This is how I become great friends with Conan O’Brien. He joins our prank
gang.

Conan, Tom, and
me…prank masters.

Tom grills
out a lot, and invite me over to eat on the patio. Rita makes weird teas for us
to drink and tries to get us to eat soy burgers. We secretly order pizza after,
obviously. Sometimes Collin comes over and talks too much about baseball and
records. We roll our eyes goodheartedly.
Rita and I bond over my lifelong love for her movie “Now & Then,”
which is massively underappreciated pure cinematic gold.

At
Christmas, Tom and I always push for a white elephant party. I bring the
Nicolas Cage collection DVD set, and Tom brings some kind of humorous toilet
paper. Despite her promises to participate in the white elephant gifting, Rita brings
Tom some nice cuff links and me a beautiful scarf she got the last time she was
in India. Classic Rita.

Tom and
Rita, if you’re reading this (BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY YOU WILL), no restraining order
is necessary. I promise. I LOVED YOU IN NOW & THEN, RITA.