In a bold statement of intent, the Labour Leader Ed Miliband has set out a ten-year plan to reverse the damage done by successive managers at Old Trafford. Whilst many of his critics suggested that a decent centre half and holding midfielder would be sufficient, a Labour spokesman insisted it would take a long-term economic plan to improve results, clone Ryan Giggs and change the word ‘United’ to ‘City’ on the stationery.

In a surprise transfer deadline day move Manchester United have agreed to let midfielder Marouane Fellaini go out on a season long loan to the their ex-manager David Moyes.

‘I’ve worked with Marouane at two clubs’ said Moyes today ‘and I’ve always found him to be a very useful. The fans at Manchester United don’t seem to appreciate him so I thought he might like to join me for a loan-spell and help with some odd-jobs about the place.

In a move designed to avoid discontent among fans and shareholders, Manchester United officials have taken the unprecedented decision to ban tablets, laptops and anything else that might bring about access to the league table from within the hallowed portals Old Trafford.

The FA will ensure that Premier League referees will be better equipped to handle encroachment at free-kicks for the coming season, with the introduction of ‘heavy-duty nail guns’, Chief Executive Richard Scudamore announced today.