Monday, September 30, 2013

Starbase Gandalf, Starbase Gandalf
on moon Gollum, this is Lieutenant Redshirt of the SS Undertaker. I will be
making planetfall on Rosie in one hundred kiloseconds.

Requesting fresh supplies, including
latest-model field replicator.

Tell me, did any of you survive? Are
any of you the originals? Or are you all replicants?

Redshirt out.

###

We must wonder, given the limited
storage capacity of the computers on those ancient ships, if our ancestors
truly brought all the wisdom of Lost Earth with them.There appear to be curious gaps in our
knowledge, both technical and social.

Conversely, there is a curious
over-emphasis on transient cultural references, now meaningless with the
disappearance of the source materials. Critical analysis reveals that
place-names in the Elvis system derive from cult gods and goddesses. A few of
these cults were literary; most were video.

It appears that Inner Crew, during
the early stages of settling the Elvis system, chose to keep Outer Crew
servants and Cargo-bred vassals entertained rather than informed.

###

It
was on planet Roseanne, on the polar island Morticia, that the Ice Palace,
Overlord Malvolio’s Galactic Imperial Capital, was going out of business.

Malvolio
stomped into the throne room and bellowed, “Where are my henchmen?”

“Out
on strike, Dad,” said Beauregarde, who was sitting back in a plush sofa,
holding a bottle of wine and a glass. He poured himself a glass.

“Have
they abandoned me?”

“Staff
is fleeing, Dad,” said Beauregarde, and drank some wine.

“How
dare they? I need my servants! The
auditors are coming!”

A
voice from the doorway said, “The auditors are here.” It was Rosemarie Vassar, carrying a notebook. Cliff Andover
was at her side. Cliff and Malvolio locked glances; Cliff shrugged, so Malvolio
spoke to Rosemarie.

“How
low I have fallen! Now I must let riff-raff like auditors in through the front
door! And worse riff-raff, like labor organizers, in through the back!”

Rosemarie
looked around. She noticed Beaugarde smirking at her, and she said, “I don’t
see any workers here…”

Beauregarde
said, “They left.”

Malvolio
roared, “SILENCE!”

Beauregarde
said, “Nobody needs your bribes or fears your threats.”

“SI
- LENCE!!”

Rosemarie
Vassar sighed heavily. “Mr. Malvolio, I am not here to mediate your labor
disputes or witness your family dysfunctions. I am here only to tally your
assets. Where is Hamilton Meeper? I must consult with him.”

“Well,
you can’t. It’s impossible. I’ve already… fired him.”

“Fired him?”

Malvolio
said, “Yes, but the outer-crew spawn had a scan crystal on his carcass. Who
knows where he is by now?”

“And
Meeper’s your accountant?”

“Meeper
was my computer.”

“So
without Meeper… no accounts of your properties? Where the valuable items are?
Where the hazardous items are?” She opened her notebook and scribbled rapidly.

Cliff
said, “Now is that any way to treat the guy who saved the Gilligan account for
you?”

Malvolio
stopped in his tracks. “You what?”

Cliff
said, “Rosemarie wanted to expropriate everything, but I said no, let him keep
the Gilligan account. I said, leave him something to lose, it’ll keep him out
of trouble.”

Malvolio
said, “Very discerning of you.”

“Here’s
something else I discern. You need a drink. Well, so do I.
May I join you?”

Malvolio
nodded. “You may. Come with me.”

###

Meanwhile,
in Francis Raven’s quarters, Tesla Nechayev came to visit, bearing a gift.

“Another
replicator?” she said.

“Mark
four point oh,” he boasted.

“Come
on in,” she said, leading the way. “Set it down on the table over there.”

He
set the Mark 4.0 Field Replicator next to some luggage. “I see that you’ve
packed your bags. Have you finished your union organizing?”

“Yup.
Henchmen’s Local 101 is up and running. My work here is done. I’m all set to blow this cheesebox,” Francis crowed.
“Randy will come by to pick me up in six kiloseconds. Meantime, sit. Let’s
chat.”

“Lunch,
too?” said Tesla Nechaev. “Test it out,” he said, indicating the replicator.

As
they ate, they chatted. Tesla boasted,“It was I who perfected and
released replicator technology, for I recognized its transhuman potential from
the start. I discovered the principle, wrote down the equations, and invented
the machine.”

“And
a decoy!” said Francis. “Malvolio was gunning for him all these years, but it
was your invention!”

“Well,
Underwood was of some use, in his
moronic way. He re-designed the device to be user-friendly and
folk-reproducible. I suppose he has the common touch. But it was I who sent the
machine to rich and poor, friend and foe.”

“Of
course I was! I enjoy the turmoil! Besides, it was the only safe way.”

Francis
Raven considered this. “True,” she said. “Replication’s a hot potato. The
powers that be were bound to suppress it, and you.”

“Exactly!
No stable human social order could tolerate such a challenge!”

“So
you deliberately introduced it in the most destabilizing way possible.”

Tesla
said, “From need the people replicate food, clothing, shelter, and replicators,
and thus create the new economy; from greed they replicate money and gold,
inflating both to worthlessness; from ambition they replicate weapons, and from
terror they replicate themselves.”

“You
predicted all that?”

“I
planned it.”

“But
you knew that would mean war.”

“Replication
turns war into a farce!-- a point that Malvolio and Andover have
been amusingly slow to comprehend. But I included their meaningless massacres
in my plan, for the very pointlessness of the slaughter forced mankind to adopt
the technology that makes the slaughter pointless.”

“But
replication has its limits.”

“Alas,
yes, it doesn’t prevent the ravages of old age.It is of limited use for acute disease, and of no use for chronic
disease.”

Raven
said, “Death remains, only Murder dies.”

Nechaev
said, “This is only a partial transcendence of the human condition; merely one
sufficient to rid mankind of both poverty and power.”

“Very
nice, Doc. But there’s a price for this, isn’t there? We’ve all lost
something.”

“Yes.
Our so-called humanity. All replicants know themselves to be replaceable. They
lose both fear of violence and respect for their own persons. All commodities
become free, including themselves. And that was just the effect I planned, from
the very beginning.”

“But
why?”

“I
have long despised the human cowardice and egotism that created such monsters
as my boss, the Overlord Malvolio. So I asked myself, what is the source of
these despicable human traits? Violence, I answered myself: specifically,
political murder. How to render political murder meaningless, absurd, literally
laughable? Replicator technology, I answered myself. How to make mankind adopt
so inhuman a technology? Desperation, I answered myself. How will this change
affect the human spirit? It will devastate it, and deservedly so, I answered
himself.”

“So
you psyched yourself up. Then what?”

“Why,
then I asked himself, how does one replicate? Thus, I told myself; and I wrote
down the replicator equations. The rest is history.”

Raven
asked, "I don’t get it. You did all this... out of love for mankind?"

“A
crime against humanity,” he said. “A
crime against the very concept of
humanity!”

“You
schemed to deprive mankind of its beloved murders.”

“Yes!
You understand! At last, someone who appreciates
my genius!”

“So
we’ve all been robbed. By you. Of our favorite crime. And our identities.”

“It’s
a new level of theft!” Nechaev
boasted.

“And
you’ve gotten away with it.”

“Completely,
totally, and permanently. I win, and the human race loses.”

“Smooth
move,” she said.

They
both then drank a swig; she of ginger ale, he of ginseng mango ginger beer.

Francis
Raven said,“So now what?”

Tesla
Nechaev said “Now? I have a scan crystal ready; it’s entangled with a
replicator on the other side of this planet; so now all I need do is leave
Malvolio’s employ.”

“How?“

“I’ll
confront him with the truth. That’ll get me fired, won’t it?”

“Fired? You bet! But ain’t ya kind of
hard on yourself, Doc? If you’re dying to leave, why not just steal a ship?
What’s the worst Malvolio can do to you? Oh right, kill you!”

Tesla
stared at her, slack-jawed. “Why… you’re right!”

“You’re
surprised?”

“You
– you – you out-thought me!”

“That’s
not so hard,” Francis said. "You’re only the smartest man orbiting Elvis!"

“You’re
right, that’s not saying much,” Tesla said. “Frankly, my dear, I have always
felt myself to be a quite normal being, not especially talented, as if picked
at random from another world, and dumped among beings not merely talentless,
but frantic, lunatic, capable of any degree of self-deception, and so lacking
in understanding that when one of them manages to thread his way through an
unusual task without creating a disaster, he is hailed as a ‘genius’ and
treated with moronic respect.”

“You
sound lonely.”

“Yes.
You, my dear, are the first female human I have ever met who shows any sign of
sentience. You almost think like I do.”

“Pardon
my ineptitude. You see, I don’t know the proper mating signals. Normal human
social relations are outside of my skill-set. Sorry, I can’t help it, it’s a
neurological deficit.”

“You
mean you have autism?”

“Asperger’s,”
Tesla said. “I was diagnosed with it long ago. Technically I’m a
super-high-functioning idiot. The only thing I don’t understand is people.”

“I
see.”

“So
please answer my question. Yes or no?”

“Well,”
she said. “Your approach is real raw, but I do appreciate your idiotic
honesty.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re
welcome. You’re even sort of sweet, in a scary obnoxious way. So I’ll give it
to you straight. I prefer Underwood.”

“Him?Hah!He’s only the second smartest
man orbiting Elvis!”

“He
doesn’t know much, but he does know people.”

“All
too well! Young lady, he’s nothing but trouble!”

“Don’t
I know it. But I can manage him.”

“But
not me,” said Nechaev.

“We’re
too much alike, Doc, you know that. We’d just get on each other’s nerves.” She
patted his hand. “But I’ll tell you what; I know the perfect girl for you.
She’s as brilliant an idiot as you are! I’ll set you up.”

Francis
turned to the replicator. With a ZWEEENNNGshe replicated an envelope, a sheet of paper, a bottle of ink, a
goose-quill, a blotter, a red candle, and a match.

“What’s
all this nonsense?” Tesla said.

“I’m
writing a note. It’s to my crazy cousin Katrina, on Columbia.” She dipped the
goose-quill into the ink, wrote, and blotted the missive dry.

Tesla
Nechaev, sitting opposite her, read the note upside down. “ ‘Dear Katie-did, you’ll like this creep, he’s an evil genius, signed cousin Fannie.’What, you think some backwoods wench
could be a match for me?”

Francis
added to the letter:

P.S. You deserve each other. Good hunting.

She
folded it, stuffed it into the envelope, and addressed the envelope;

Katrina Crowe

23 Goldman Way

Jefferson, Paine

Nearside, Columbia.

She
lit the red candle, and dripped hot wax onto the envelope’s flap. Then she
said, “This is for you. Hand-deliver it. And the wax seal needs your
thumb-print.”

“My
thumb-print? On a wax seal? Is this some adolescent girl’s
fantasy?”

“Yes!
Quick, quick, before it sets!”

“Oh,
all right,” he said, and pressed down on the wax with his thumb. “OW!!!” He
sucked on his thumb. Francis Raven smiled. Tesla Nechaev blew on his thumb and
glared at her. “Was that practical joke also part of the adolescent girl’s
fantasy?”

“Yes!
So where are you off to now?”

“Where
else? I’ll steal a ship, fly to Columbia,
and look up your love-lorn cousin. But I predict this… assignation,” he
scoffed, “won’t outlast a megasecond!” He took the letter and left.

A
gigasecond later, Katrina reminded Tesla of that false prediction, the first of
many.

The
Princess said, “What a mean trick. Pointless even to shoot him.” She pouted. “I’m going to tell Daddy.” She stepped back through the hole in the wall and slid the
panel shut.

###

Francis
Raven’s phone went *ting*. She flipped it open; there was the daily e-mail from
Goldie Digger, to her and their college roommate Rosemarie Vassar. The e-mail
read:

OMG you guys, listen, listen, I finally found him – this is it, I mean it, he’s
clever, he’s rich, he’s sweet, OK he’s not much for looks but OMG whatta man, and best of all he really loves
me, more later, Goldie.

###

Belladonna
traveled through the Ice
Palace’s many secret
passageways. She stopped outside the southeast guest bar. She peered through
the eyes of a portrait hanging in the bar; one of Ferocitus the Second, her
great-great-great-great-granduncle. She saw her father, as she expected, but
also saw Andover.
They were sitting side-by-side, drinking beers.

Malvolio
said, “Cold feet, huh?”

Andover said,
“Cryogenic.”

“I
had cold feet too, when I married Dulgencia. But I went for it anyhow.”

Andover said, “And how
did that work out?”

“I
remember when we first met, Dulgie and I, at the equestrian field at old Miskatonic U.
Our eyes met - sparks flashed - “

“It
was like that with us too. I had just won the big game for Keane U. over Peabody Polytech. I’d just left the
stadium, and there she was, holding up a protest sign. Rosemarie was protesting
the game for being a sado-masochistic domination ritual. She was so sincere…”

“Dulgie
said my cummerbund was ages out of fashion. She was so critical…”

Andover said, “I only
slowly learned how much Rosemarie means to me…”

Malvolio
said, “For Dulgie and me, ‘twas love-hate at first sight.”

Both
drained their beer mugs. Then they went for wine.

Malvolio
said, ”Hey, remember when I said that your dogged perseverance had given me new
insight into the futility of my evil ways?”

Andover said, “Sure I
remember! All you wanted was for me to leave you alone for a few megaseconds of
quiet contemplation!”

Malvolio
nodded. “And then I’d return to the path of righteousness.”

They
looked at each other, then burst out laughing. They clinked glasses and drank.

Andover almost choked on
his Scotch. After a fit of coughing, with Malvolio patting his back, Andover said, “Don’t get me started on Joe Hill! No,
Elvis doesn’t sing me that song! Or th’other two! No, the song he sings to me
is always the same damn one!”

“Well,
what is it?”

“It’s
a little ditty called ‘Space Hero’. Here, lemme put on my guitar…” Andover
strapped on Arlo, and drunk as he was, managed to belt out:

A
G
A
Do you wanta be a hero in the sky?
A
G D E
Do you wanta be a hero in the sky?
E A
G
High adventure! Higher pay!

G
D
A
Join the Space Marines today,
A
G A
And you're gonna be a hero in the sky.

Do you wanta wear a macho uniform? (2x)
Olive shirt and BVDs,
Pants that bag around the knees:
Yeah, we’ll put you in a macho uniform.

Do you wanta rise as early
as the birds? (2x)
Well, on that you’ll have no choice;
When you hear your sergeant’s voice
You will always rise as early as the birds.

Do you wanta use the latest weaponry? (2x)
Guns that jam and spray like hell,
With their stocks made by Mattel:
Yeah, you’ll always use the latest weaponry.

Do you wanta take a
body-building course? (2x)
Well, our basic training tends
To build muscles at both ends.
Yeah, we’ll put you through a body-building course.

Do you wanta ball with gorgeous foreign dames? (2x)
On a hundred worlds or more,
There’s still just one kind of whore.
Yeah, that’s what you’ll see of gorgeous foreign dames.

Do you wanta test the
latest weapons made? (2x)
Well, on every other pass
One will get you in the ass.
Yeah, that’s how you’ll test the latest weapons made.

Do you wanta further
medical research? (2x)
Between modern weaponry
And new kinds of STD,
You will surely further medical research.

Would you be young and handsome all your life? (2x)
Well, the odds are good that you
Will be dead by 22,
So you *will* be young and handsome all your life.

“Hero” is a four-letter
word. (2x)
Just another term for “fool”,
As you’ll find out in our school.
Yeah, “hero” is a four-letter word.

After that song, there was nothing for either of them to
do but get another drink, vodka this time. They sat on bar stools back to back,
precariously holding each other up. Malvolio said, “We’re both irrele*hic*, irrele*hic*,
irrele*hic*”

Andover burbled,
“Elephant?”

“Thassit,
we’re both irrelephant!”

###

With
that, the Princess had seen enough.

Belladonna
slipped away, down secret passageways, to her room. Once there she sat at her
holo and placed a call to a McMansion in Barbie.

A
face formed in the holo; her mother. Dulgencia said, “Why, it’s Belladonna. What a perfectly expected pleasure!”

As
usual, Mom started out on top. “You knew I was going to call?”

“It
was only a matter of time. And now I get to see your lovely face!”

“Mom…”
Belladonna said low. This was the old rivalry, all over again, which was
exactly what she did not need right
now.

Dulgencia
said, “Holo, holo, on the wall, who’s the fairest one of all?”

“Momma…”

“Why,
you are, my dear!”

Belladonna
was stunned. “What?! You never said that before!”

“Oh
yes, our pointless little beauty-queen rivalry. What childish nonsense! I
should have outgrown it ages ago,”
Dulgencia drawled. “So I apologize, dear daughter. I concede the contest!
Victory is yours! I lose, you win!”

Belladonna
said, “Really?”

“Yes,
dear, really. You are young, so of course you are more beautiful than I
am.” Dulgencia sighed. “It is the way of the worlds.”

“Oh,
Momma… why are you being so nice to
me?!”

“Because
I have a good use for you, of course.”

“Use? For me? What use am I?” She
burst into tears.

Dulgencia
crooned, “There, there, child.”

Belladonna
said, "What’ll I do, Momma? I
mean, what use am I? What am I good for?"

"You
are beautiful, you are a liar, a manipulator, and you haven’t a single idea of
your own in your pretty little head. So you, my dear, are the perfect
actress!"

She
stopped weeping. “I am?”

“See,
your tears dried up in an instant!Which
proves my point.”

"If
I am the perfect actress, then what are you?"

"Why,
I am the perfect director. The Show Must Go On!" she
barked. Belladonna leaped to her feet, even though she wasn’t in the same room,
or even on the same continent. Dulgencia laughed; “Ah-ha-ha-ha-haa! You see? It
is the voice of command."