Tag: healing

I’m tired of being put in positions for other people’s gains and I won’t be anymore.

At all.

I could be in a completely different place had I known the truth of the matter.

My life is not waiting for others to get their shit together and change.

It’s not my job to make other people comfortable at the literal expense of myself because they feel entitled, either.

My life is changing on the daily and I’m at my limit of what I can give out. Literally.

I have things I have to focus on to make my life work, and to not lose the things that I have worked for. Why should I have to?

I won’t go backward for anyone, especially when it’s not even appreciated and the whole thing was a ruse in the first place, just to not have to fall alone, or try. Thanks.

You don’t even know how hurtful it is and you don’t even care.

It’s always great until I’ve got nothing else to give. Right? It’s hard to keep doing for others when there’s nothing but people implying that you aren’t doing enough, and they aren’t doing anything at all themselves.

Why don’t YOU do something for a change?

I have kids that I can’t even afford to see, and I live 45 minutes away from them.

I have 33¢ in my bank account. My credit card is maxed out, even after a credit increase. For giving when I didn’t have it to give.

But at the end of the day no one’s doing anything for me, but ME. It’s very obvious as well. Very.

I want to move forward and not back, and that is exactly what I’m going to do.

Your life is on you. I can’t save you. You have to save yourself.

It’s not fair to me, to make me feel guilty for that either.

I’m 2 years, 7 months, and 25 days sober. I don’t even smoke anymore, and haven’t for over two months. You’d never, ever know it if you went just based off the way I’ve been feeling inside over all of this.

I should be more upset that whenever I don’t say what people want me to, I get slammed over my mental health issues and sobriety.

I’m not though, because I know that people these days get excitable over pretty much anything (sometimes myself included), and it isn’t worth the time to take those words in as truth, when I know I am doing the work to stay sober, and emotionally am doing quite well.

The stigma of mental health is real, and if you have strong political views and talk about them on social media, it is even harder to live down your past struggles. It’s the first thing people zero in on if they don’t agree with you, or don’t understand you as a person.

People automatically think you are talking crazy. They automatically assume you are drinking again. They automatically assume you are spiraling down. They tell you that you are wrong in any fashion they care to. They discount you.

Even if your words make sense and are directed towards peace and stopping gun violence. Even if you are afraid of guns, don’t own one, can’t own one, and don’t want to own one.

Even if.

I pulled away from Facebook again because I needed to.

After these last mass shootings, I took to my wall to let everyone know that I was tired of the gun issues in America, the mass shootings that have happened 251+ times just this year alone, the looking the other way so it continues to happen, and the fact that they sell guns in America to any seemingly normal person that wants one.

As you know, I moved from Dayton just a few weeks ago. What you also must know is that the mass shooting in Dayton was 15 minutes away from where I lived, and where my friends live as well. For some time I was worried that some of them could have been there; and I was worried.

After finding my friends were all safe, I then became angry. For over a week I posted numerous things on my wall about the mass shootings, gun control, videos on peace, finding peace and solutions, and also numerous opinions of others as well that justified my stance and supported it.

I figured I could do nothing but use my voice, and so I did.

I don’t regret it either.

It wasn’t until I was honest and admitted that I was tired of talking about gun control, had been talking about it too much and was going to focus on my family, friends, and job; that people started coming to me and asking me if I was ok.

Numerous people.

I don’t much get it.

Although I more than appreciate the concern for my welfare (I DO), I have to say that I was taken back by the fact that people could be so worried over the fact that I am concerned about the way our country works and the way we always look the other way on every real issue there is.

I’ve decided that social media (Facebook in particular) is no longer a place of reason, and in reality, never was.

Most people are unwilling to have real discussions on ways to change anything.

It doesn’t matter what you say.

This week it solidified what I in essence, already knew.

I understand that mental health struggles are real. I do sometimes still struggle with depression and symptoms of PTSD myself.

But I don’t feel that wanting to feel safe in your own country without having to have a gun, and talking about it….is me being mental.

Social media, is in my opinion, a relevant starting point for change about the way we communicate and treat others in general.

I know I have work to do myself in that regard as well.

What it is for me personally regarding guns, is me being worried for the future of my children and yours, and I have every right to be.

It is not my cross to carry if people don’t understand that. At all.

Will I get locked away for not wanting a gun and for wanting my children and all people to feel safer? Pff. It’s just too much, and it doesn’t make sense to me at all.

I am not sure in the future if I will ever talk about politics in an open way again on facebook, because if people can’t even accept the talk of reason from me and inquire to see if I’m ok, then it seems all I am really truly doing is worrying people, and digging myself a social hole for people to imply that I am still sick.

It makes me sad mostly. That I can’t be myself.

It makes me sad that people potentially see me as sick again, because I have been open about my struggles, and I chose to speak up about my opinions on relevant topics and things going on in this country.

It makes me sad that people can think those things about me.

However, I think it is the price I pay for having conviction, principles, and passion. I think it is the price I pay for opening up my life online, to try to help others that struggle.

I am sitting on the porch of my sister’s house this morning with my dog and my coffee, writing this blog so that I can assure anyone that worries about me that I am not a threat to anyone, and that I am indeed ok. It is something I feel I need to do because, like I said, the stigma of mental health is very real. I feel it is my responsibility to assure people, because I do speak on a public platform about my struggles and life.

Today, I struggle because I want change in my country. I struggle because I know that it probably won’t come. I struggle because the only thing I fear in this world is losing another one of my children senselessly.

It is somewhat of a grieving process for me, letting go of the fact that I can do nothing; and there is nothing wrong with that.

This is what I want people to understand.

I also know, that you are what you focus on and that I can’t let that fear keep me from living. It isn’t, and does not.

I talk about things to process them, and to learn new ways of understanding within myself.

It is time for me to focus again on things that I CAN change in my life.

I am having real conversations with my kids and family for the first time in years. True friends too. It feels good to be loved for who I am, opinions and all.

People that know me in real life understand, and support me. They support my growth and the process I’m going through to become the best version of me.

Today I will focus on being mindful of the fact that I need to live despite what’s going on in this world and in my country. Despite the fact that I can do no relevant thing to change anything at all, except to change myself.

It is hard to be human. It is hard to be in a world that doesn’t make sense. I think it is hard for all of us, mental health struggles or not.

I still feel grateful for this life, and for the blessings that I am lucky enough to call mine.

I still have hope that in America, we will become kinder as a people and that we can work it out someday. Together. We are all in this life together, after all.

I will always be who I am and have opinions on things that affect me. I will never feel guilty or bad about my opinions on those topics ever again. I will not feel bad for being me. I made that promise to myself over three years ago, and I am sticking to it.

I did not in any way want to cause concern to people or hurt anyone’s feelings.

I will in the future, consider not talking about politics as much in general.

That’s just a consideration…not a promise.

For now I’m done talking. I’m focusing on living this life to the best of my ability, integrity, and being kind.

Mental health struggles do not always equate out to irrelevance, or active spiriling down. They are case by case, as anything is.

We also need to understand that it is ok to struggle, but that it is essential to ask for help if you feel like you are spiriling down.

I haven’t written out loud on this blog in a while. I haven’t had much to say out loud at all, just kind of keeping to myself.

Most of my healing lately has been audio recordings of thoughts and/or feelings to myself, or just writing on certain thoughts and then stopping when it doesn’t make sense to me anymore.

Things people won’t see or hear mainly, but they help me immensely inside to heal; there are really no wasted thoughts or words at all.

I have been going back to the drafts and pulling from them and/or finishing some pieces, whichever happens; but I haven’t had much to say out loud at all, and I like that I’m not putting the pressure of saying it if I don’t want to.

A personal project/goal that I’m trying to make come into fruition has much of my time and thoughts.

My focus is still the biggest issue for me, but I am starting to speed up on the re-focus, which means eventually I will get there if I keep going. Money. Need more money though.

It also means that my OCD is getting somewhat better too. I’m happy about that, but still tired of being so complicated with the OCD thing.

It slows me down in my everyday life if I let it and it’s gotten much worse for me over the last three years.

It’s very annoying and frustrating, to say the least, and it’s been extremely challenging for me.

I do not know how else to describe me other than I don’t think I’ll ever have a day when I won’t be a complicated person.

The timeline I had in my head for everything I wanted for my life came and went a million years ago, so I’m just going with the flow the best I can and grateful for it.

I’m fine with the process even though it’s draining to actually live fully sometimes.

I haven’t been depressed much at all so I do feel ok inside, and I can’t bitch about that.

Being off of social media has also been awesome, I won’t lie. I knew it would be which is why I went away from it again.

Today I hit the one year, eleven months sober mark, and it feels sort of a like a dream when I think of my life at day one of this current journey, and even more so when I think back upon the life I’ve led before that.

The thing that really sucks about it all is that I feel guilty about the fact that my past is fading in my mind.

I know all the stuff I did, (or what I can remember of it) and also the people that were affected by my bad choices.

It wasn’t a dream.

I have remorse for it and will for always.

But….I’ve chalked it up to my brain healing itself the only way it knows how to, and that is to compartmentalize the guilt I feel away into an area where it no longer blocks my ability for growth and future happiness.

This is today.

Today I’ve managed with the help of myself, my family, my true friends and positive people that support me, also the grace of my deceased son, to stay sober for twenty-three months.

Almost two years next month.

I thought I would be dead by twenty-five and so the very fact that I am still going at the age of forty-seven and also sober is really all the more reason to keep looking forward instead of back.

I am sure although I struggle with life at times, these struggles make me stronger and have, to the point where I will not give up until I reach a sense of peace and understanding in myself that will resonate in everything that I do.

Maybe being passionate about living life is better than being passionate about not living it.

Maybe all of the effort I’m putting into quality healing will keep bringing quality things to my life.

I’ve managed to accomplish some things I never thought I could or would. That is a fact for sure and I think in the future, patience really will play a key roll in all aspects of my life regarding meeting more of my goals.

There are some people in the world who just seem to do their own thing and not really care about much except “enjoying” life and living it to the “fullest”.Their lives seem to go off without a hitch…so it seems. The perfect everything. You want to be one of those people, even though you know that’s not true at all.

Right?

Is being truly happy really a real thing, or is it sometimes a made up illusion, and someone being so good at acting and convincing, that they actually might believe their own BS; and project a state of mind to make others believe it too.

Or it could be a life sprinkled with more happiness here and there than most; more opportunity and more people supporting it.

How does that happen, how can I make that reality mine?

What is being “truly happy” anyways? According to whom?

No one has it really; because we are ALL in our own ways, reaching.

Very few of us are content with where we are.

I guess I started thinking, what exactly am I reaching for?

Everybody’s lives are in states of metamorphosis every day.

The ideas I’ve always had about what being “truly happy” is, or means to me, are changing.

I don’t know. I guess I live somewhere in between trying to live my life to the fullest without the cash flow; caring about people even though most people suck and hurt you; and I haven’t quite figured out if being truly happy is even in the realm of being scientifically possible for someone like me; or what that looks like either. Am I trying too hard? Am I just going to die a misunderstood little girl inside, who always feels like no matter what she does, she’ll have to avoid a lot of things and people to feel safe to be herself in this world?

That’s not really safe, but I also don’t mind avoiding at all.

Is that a problem?

Do I care if you care? Not really. That’s the thing. I’ve learned not to.

I care but I don’t.

I guess there are good things in the world, after all, to be grateful for. I am now immune to internet hate. LOL!!

This is also why I love this blog.

You, the reader, don’t have to read any of this.

I am healing myself as I type this.

It’s a win, win.

{I’m a driver. I’m a winner. Things are gonna’ change. I can feel it.}

It’s a win-win because I just want to feel better about my life and the world. Make more sense of it. Writing helps. This blog is almost five years old. I don’t know of very many people that have my writing style, so I actually appreciate the fact that I don’t have very many followers, also that you don’t seem to mind the fact that I’m unpolished and broken.

Thank you.

It’s like a journey within a journey if that makes sense to anyone at all.

I’m anti-social for many reasons. This helps.

I don’t know what will happen next in my life. Hopefully, I’ll figure out how to get more of the bad stuff out, and more of the good stuff in.

I get it fully, so.

On a total squirrel side note:

Social media and the way the world in general tries to make you feel worthless just for being you is so sad. Don’t worry about fitting into the social media standard of what “normal” is.

It’s not normal at all.

Not everybody is born into the ideal situation with the same opportunities.

That’s okay. You still have options to be successful, and truly you want it to be more than just money based or you’ll regret it.

This I know.

I don’t even want to people most days because most people don’t get that and it makes me anti-social. Truth.

I can’t be around those people. Maybe someday I can, but why?

I’m learning how to be good in the moment, and grateful every day that I can at the very least write about who I am and how I feel this way and then go away.

I get tired of working so hard to remain positive; only to have it overcome by anger and PTSD symptoms…when I feel like I’m being attacked or put down; for no reason at all.

It is hard. It is frustrating, sometimes it feels hopeless; like I’ll never be able to self-regulate emotional-wise.

For me it is a very REAL, and scary thought. It makes me angry. It makes me angry that people know I struggle; and try to make it worse on purpose; and pretend like they don’t.

That hurts.

I have a really big issue; with people that have hurt me in the past, to infinite extremes; that come back around to try to be chummy with me. It always ends up with them saying in the end; that it IS ME who is the one with the problem…when I’m not saying what they want to hear, or acting happy to talk to them.

No. It’s not my problem.

The issue is that you hurt me; and you are not happy that I’m not happy about it…and you are trying to make me feel like I should be Ok, with still talking to you….when I’m not. Not that I am doing something to you; or am being any certain kind of way.

I can’t count the times people have done this shit to me. It has happened more in my life; than I can even put my finger on.

It happened tonight.

People wonder why I get so ruthless with my words and attitude at times…. Really?

In fact, I can guarantee almost every, single time…that whoever the person is who has hurt me; will come back to try to do it again, in some form.

It’s almost a given.

It is hard to remain positive; when I literally don’t have to do anything; to be accused of doing something. When I’ve done nothing in the first place to deserve any of the BS….and I’m still getting BS, for not being able to , or wanting to deal with YOURS.

I’m not the one who decided that I wasn’t worth anything.

I’m not the one who screwed me over.

That was your choice; and is now your issue…not mine.

I know that.

Thats why I have no tolerance for it anymore.

You should all realize that I’m going to be happy; if it kills you or any other person who ever said they cared about me; but really didn’t at all.

I hope you know that you cant stop me from being ME.

Leave me alone. All of you fucking assholes from my past.

I do not need or want to deal with any of you.

Stop coming around trying to act like we are friends.

Stop texting and then saying I’m being a certain way towards you.

Ask yourself why instead….and don’t text.

Respect my personal boundaries.

I don’t need or want to be friends with anyone who treats me, or has treated me like I don’t matter.

That’s a personal protection choice for ME….because I have to value my OWN self; and because I DO MATTER.

There would be a difference if I felt like any of you were genuinely sorry.

But you’re not.

You genuinely enjoyed watching me suffer; and so I genuinely have no desire to have you in my life in any way.

This should not be hard to understand.

And to T…what you can do; is stick to the agreement we have. You owe me that much at least.

I don’t need to be your friend; because you toyed with my life; and then blamed me for it.

Friendship isn’t possible anymore.

Btw, I am checking into a therapy called EMDR. It has been studied and proven to dramatically reduce PTSD symptoms….sometimes reversing it all together.

I hope I can get this treatment so much. I need it.

I’m not giving up hope; that some day I will only have people around me that love me for me; and won’t hurt me just because they can.

I hope to be around people who won’t want to hurt me.

I am also not giving up hope; that I can reverse more of this damage in me, until I am free of it.

For now, I’m just glad that I’m sober; and that I’m not afraid to write my life out loud.

I’m not afraid of it at all; because I know someone out there; has got to understand where I’m coming from.

And that’s the point. To reach those people…and to heal one day at a time.

A little flustered with the paperwork for a new patient appointment though.

Writing down the things you know, that run in your family, is scary.

Not knowing your biological father and his history; [your history]; on his side, is more than scary. It’s scary sobering.

I don’t know anything about my father; except that he is going to die in jail, if he hasn’t already. He is a coward; and deserves to be where he is.

I don’t forgive him for anything.

I also am almost positive I have other siblings; a half-sister for sure; but I’m not expecting to ever meet her/ them(?)

Point is…

I think of how long I told Dr.’s offices my step-father’s medical stuff instead, by default; just so no one would have to know that I didn’t know my real father; or had one, that didn’t want to know me.

I don’t know that part of my potential medical ailments; because I don’t know my father… or his family.

I am glad today that I do not know him; and I do not want to know him; as much as that sucks to say…it really doesn’t anymore for me.

He is not a man I want to know.

Tonight I marked N/A in my father’s spot for medical history.

Because it’s my truth.

I gave myself props for seeing it for what it was worth.

I also gave myself props for getting through this BS paperwork; which also, by the way; asked my sexual orientation and gender orientation as well. (both I declined to say; because it’s a baited question; used for profiling; that should be illegal, in my opinion.)

Anything else I need to find out about myself, will be way of a 23 and Me DNA kit, books, and Google search; if they tell me I have something wrong with me.

I guess I’m starting to realize that certain things are not important to pursue; and others are.

I hope tomorrow will go well for me. Generally, I tend to get more anxious than I should; so I’m trying to go with that one tonight….and not be.

I am well aware that I am not on synthetic medication anymore. Sometimes that still scares me; even though the effects and side-effects of taking the medicines….scares me more.

I remember when I made the decision to stop taking them.

At that point my cholesterol level had shot through the roof because of the bipolar anti-depressant I was taking (Latuda); and they had to prescribe me another medication to lower it. I was also on a mood-stabilizer as well; (Trileptol) a common anti-seizure drug that my son actually was taking back in the day for his Epilepsy. It is also used as a mood stabilizer for bipolar.

I was having headaches that lasted for days. Parts of my body were going numb at random times, that lasted for days and weeks. I have a bum shoulder; broken twice in the same spot, that causes me chronic pain daily. The meds made it feel worse. My joints felt worse, to the point that it hurt to walk sometimes. I was having auditory hallucinations whenever I did not take my meds at the exact same time. I was STILL up and down, up and down anyways. I was miserable; unable to hold a job….and stuck in a life of NOTHING.

The meds were not fixing me. They were in fact, hurting me….making me worse. It was actually quite terrifying if I have to be honest about it. You wake up feeling worse than the day before…and it’s like, how is this helping me?

It’s not.

I started to think of all the meds my son was on when he was alive….and all the complications they caused for him; and the constant trying to find the ones that would work. The medications he was on that were supposed to help his movement disorder; that in fact in the end had the opposite effect, and actually made his movement disorder irreversible….because unbenounced to us, that med (Haldol) was making it worse every day…one of the side effects of it, WAS an irreversable movement disorder….also called dyskenisia.

We gave him Dr. prescribed meds for a movement disorder, that was made worse by the med that was supposed to make it better.

The guilt I still carry from that…is indescribably hard to deal with or relate.

It didn’t make sense to me anymore. Any of it. What was the point of being on medicines, that didn’t even work for me; and caused other serious health problems? This was not the first time for me with this. It had been a struggle for years with the different medications for me; and finding something that worked. I asked myself was I THAT messed up, that I could not find ways naturally to help myself instead?

The answer to me was NO…I was NOT that messed up. I needed to find new ways to control my bipolar, PTSD, anxiety, and pain. I needed to help myself.

At that point I made the choice to detox from the medication I was on; and to live free of synthetic pills and medication for good.

It is a choice that I do not regret in any way…although it is challenging in moments.

I would have had to depend on synthetics, and keep taking them…for the rest of my life. I was at risk for developing even worse symptoms and health problems down the line; and that’s just a logical conclusion I came to, based on the symptoms I already was having.

It wasn’t worth it to me.

It wasn’t a real life. For me, It was a life filled with pills, and hoping I could be fixed by them…but struggling despite. Nothing more. They did nothing to touch my PTSD or anxiety symptoms either. Made my body, joint pain, and anxiety… WORSE.

I was just done with it all; regarding synthetic anything in my body.

I started to research herbal remedies and read anything I could to help myself. I had many friends who helped me with that as well. To you guys, I say thank you.

I realized that just because I was bipolar, and had other issues going…it didn’t mean I had to commit myself, to a life-time of pills and stigma.

I could overcome it, if I tried hard enough.

I smoke cannabis to control many of my symptoms now. Soon, I will be switching over to the straight CBD oil…which is a derivative of cannabis…and has no mood altering effects.

I take vitamins and supplements, and try to get as much sleep as I can. I excersize. (At work, all day long)

I make a conscious effort to actively control my ups and downs. Mostly that just consists of not letting myself get to the levels of despair I used to feel.

I do that by staying sober, writing, seeking support from people who care about me; and actively trying to help people that struggle with the same kinds of things that I do.

Many people have things to say about cannabis; and it’s use for medical purposes. Many people have things to say about me, and my use of it.

That is not my issue. I know I am responsible with my usage. I do not need validation from anyone on it at all.

I AM NOT a doctor. And truth be told, some of the Doctors I’ve worked with…weren’t doctors either…even though they carried the title.

Three things I DO know for sure, based on personal experience…and the experiences of people close to me:

~Synthetic meds WILL eventually lead you to MORE synthetic meds, and more problems health-wise, when it is all said and done.

~Cannabis and CBD oil would have greatly increased my deceased son’s quality of life and pain. He would not have suffered as much as he did. I wish it would have been an option when he was alive; but sadly it was not.

~Supplements and cannabis have greatly improved my symptoms, health, and overall quality of life.

It works for me; and I really don’t care what anyone else has to say about it anymore, because I live a life every day that is full and responsible, and true.

Things I wasn’t able to do when I was taking meds to “fix me”.

Healing and managing mental symptoms and pain, is not about doing things the way people tell you to do them.

It’s about looking in yourself, and finding ways to nurture the parts in you that need to be nurtured…not suppressed.

I own my Bipolar. I own my PTSD. I own my chronic pain from injury. I own my anxiety. I own my choice of medicines I will put in my body.

It is my choice. It is also yours.

I still feel the ups and downs. But they are far less extreme now.

I do not regret my choice to stop putting unnatural things in my body.

For a long time, I guess I was “whiny”. You always look back on yourself, and most times I’m like “Wtf Jen, you were really stupid, and are.”

Yep.

Every day I play the “I love you” game with myself, in hopes that someday I may feel whole enough; to not destroy myself with my own mind anymore.

I am definitely my own worst enemy; because of it…I push people away to a safe distance.

I am easily ALWAYS going to be a work in progress; and I’m trying to embrace that fact daily, because I think I put a lot of unnecessary stress on myself; that makes me lose the parts of myself that I DO like.

It’s hard. Because I don’t want to feel like this inside. And it’s hard to explain to people, because I really don’t much know why I have such ups and downs every single day except that I am bipolar; I’m not willing to go on synthetic meds again; to zombie myself again; to try and stop it.

I do wish I could stop it though.

I have tried for my whole life; to no avail. I gained a bunch of NOTHING doing that.

Who is terrified of failing so much; or being disliked so much…that she doesn’t even start?

ME.

I know I am better than that, also that that’s not true.

I am sober. I am also alive.

I see the way people look at me and I wish I could disappear.

When you struggle in your own soul, sometimes it is one of the lonliest places you can ever be.

It’s not a good feeling at all, and that’s why I wouldn’t wish it on anyone at all.

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peacesofme71

Quirky, uber geek, word manipulator; 'wanna be published writer, with a spark.
Photography, excerpts of my personal writing and random blurbs regarding my journey to self-forgiveness, acceptance, hope, growth, and learning to love myself for who I am... without regrets.