Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

About a month ago my concern over m’s alcoholism hit an all time high. He stopped trying. He stopped working. He just stopped. He had more and more nights where he called a second time to say goodnight forgetting entirely that he called to tell me goodnight AN HOUR AGO! And when we went out he was consuming drinks faster and faster. I can tell the difference between someone enjoying a craft beer and a person trying to pack in as much percentage of alcohol as possible as quickly as possible. Hello! I was raised by an alcoholic father. I can pick up and tune into all the little fucking signs. All of them. I know that when you call versus text you are drinking. I know that when you say you are doing laundry, you are drinking. I know that when you say you are meeting your father for lunch you are drinking. I know how to decode a lot of this. And I also know that no matter what I know, there is always so so so much more I’m unaware of. This part was the part that worried me more than anything.

So I asked him to meet me for brunch one day. We shared a quiche at a pizza place and I explained my concerns.

In August we planned on moving in together. So the urgency of the situation was closing in on me. How can I knowingly invite that into my living space on a daily basis?

He was floored. Apparently to him this came out of nowhere. I’ll explain later why this infuriates me. But to him: he was shocked and blindsided. He had no idea how much I knew about the situation. He never once denied any of it. He was EXTREMELY receptive. He listened. And listened. And cried. And listened some more. I had a lot of words. And they couldn’t have come out more perfectly. I would never claim to be an articulate human being just like I could never claim to be a good driver. I just simply am not those things. But for some reason by whatever higher power you believe in I said everything just as I needed to say it.

It landed perfectly. At the end of this….. intervention (for lack of a better word) I told him that I needed a break. This worry and stress had climbed to a level that I needed to take a step back from. Obviously, me thinking that I could break from the stress just by breaking from him is just not how it actually works in my female brain. It’s always interesting to me the things I’m able to compartmentalize and all the things I simply cannot.

Over the next 3 weeks he sprung into clean up mode. He connected with friends he hadn’t connected with in a long time. I was concerned over the bitterness in which he spoke about his so-called friends. Something that I still don’t quite understand. But he dug in and he is actively cultivating and nurturing those friendships and new ones. I’m so damn proud of this. Like I said, I don’t understand why this is something he put on hold.

He also got a therapist. For his depression and anxiety. Part of him falling off the wagon was him getting off his anti-depressants… I know he hates the side effects, but he so desperately needs this. But at least he started the process of getting help. So he has been to exactly 1 session. We’ll see how this goes.

He started going to the gym every day. This is always something he says he is going to do. Something that he wants to do. But during our talk I spoke about howbad his follow through is. I can’t rely on him for anything he says he’ll do. He’s not a follow-through-er. And this was one area in his life that was the most obvious that he just wouldn’t follow through. So he is a regular gymmer now. I say that, 3 weeks in and he’s hitting 4 days a week. We’ll see how this goes.

He bought a kayak. He’s been talking about this for a long time. He did it. And not only did he do it he got his kayak on the lake for a solo ride. And then on top of that has gone out with his friends! The friendships that he had previously been denying. I would’ve put money on these things never happening. As in literally never.

He said the words out loud. He looked into my eyes and said “I am an alcoholic”. I had tears in my eyes instantly. Of course, he said it over a glass of wine, but he fucking said it. Holy shit. He doesn’t feel like he needs to stop drinking. He thinks that he needs to stop drinking when he’s bored or sad. Those are his “self medicating” rules/boundaries that he’s put on himself. I need him in AA. I need him 100% dry. But he isn’t there yet. Maybe… MAYBE… he can just restrict…. But…. This is text book addict verbiage. Maybe he’ll slowly crawl out of denial. I can only hope.

So, here he is… with his laundry list of things he is working on to becoming a better human. But here I am…. I’m completely underwhelmed at his strides. Why? Well, remember when I said I had something to talk about that infuriated me? Back in December when we were discussing getting back together we talked about all these things.

The drinking, the coping, the bettering himself, the gym, the attitude, the depression, the pills… We spoke about all these things. He spoke of them so clearly. He made this list himself. All the things that had to be different in his life if me and him were going to work. So… how long did all that last? A few months. He tried a solid 2 months before I started to see and feel the slipping. Me and him connect so well when he is working on things. He’s so open with me. He talks about all his shit. All of it. But when he starts slipping in one area it all unravels… this includes our connection.

Our connection is still severed. Because the break. I am perpetuating this disconnect. Why? Because I can’t trust any of this to be something that sticks forever. Backsliding to me is inevitable. I absolutely hate that I think this. I absolutely hate that I don’t think he could possibly keep this up. What a shitty girlfriend. But I’ve been hurt and burned at this before. I am so so hurt. But no matter how hurt I feel I am even more scared.

So when he says this whole thing blindsided him? FUCK YOU! This is something we both cared so deeply about in the past. This is why I could even consider getting back with him. This. None of it is new. None of this can ever be OUT OF THE BLUE. This is our shit. Our constant shit.

He has such strong demons that he wrestles with daily. And I feel so awful that I can no longer stand at his side while he battles. I am so damn conflicted.

But here’s what I know. I need someone that follows through. I need someone that I don’t have to constantly monitor and mother. I don’t want to be the nagging partner in life always asking “are you drinking?” I don’t want to play this role. I deserve other things, right? Deserve… I don’t know. Maybe I don’t’ deserve more, but I do know that I need someone I can rely on. And I can’t rely on him.

I’m struggling with this decision. I need to let go. I need to let him work on this apart from me. And I need him to become a better person because that is what he wants to do for himself not to save our relationship. Because he had me and our relationship. And it wasn’t enough.

I hope he keeps it up. I want him to succeed. But my fear about the possibility may be something I can’t possibly get passed.

It hit me like ton of bricks last night… or should I say this morning. It was 3 am and what I needed hit me like a ton of bricks.

I need to be baby girl.

I need to curl up in someone’s lap and have them pet my hair and stroke my cheek and call me baby girl.

I want to collapse against daddy’s chest and know that nothing can harm me. I want a moment when I’m baby girl with no responsibility but being daddy’s good girl.

Sigh.

Here’s the thing. Life isn’t bad at all right now. There’s just a lot of stuff to do. I’m starting my own business. I’m making big decisions. I’m making things happen. I’m doing a good job. I’m forging through. One step in front of the other and it’s not that hard. It’s just a lot.

I’m catching myself self sabotaging a little. And I know now what it is. I need a moment of no decision making. I want to be broken and in a mess and just give it all up. For a few moments.

Vanilla monogamy is tough. And I was told after finding my kink passion that it would be. That sooner or later I’d miss it. That I’d crave it. And I believed them. But what i didn’t want to admit was that I might NEED it.

Do I need it? Feels like it. I know I want it. And I know I’m craving it. I know how amazing it would be to let myself play that role with someone I love and trust as daddy. It’s weird to say “play the role” when I would really be it… A little girl in need of some protection and love and attention and security.

Every fiber of my being was aware that he was back. WE WERE IN THE SAME STATE AGAIN! I was trying to play it cool. I was dating the other guy… and m was bad for me right? He left, right?

He asked to see me immediately. I said yes. Immediately. I can’t not run to this man. I don’t think I’d ever make this man want for anything if I could possibly deliver.

I saw him. I smiled. I hugged him. We chatted for a few minutes. I welcomed him home.

It was short. As I walked away I couldn’t stop smiling. Ear to ear! Then WAM! It hit me. HOLY SHIT I STILL LOVE THIS MAN! How did I NOT see that.

I had to remind myself all the reasons why he was a bad idea. He drank too much. Way too depressed to function. He was emotionally stunted. He couldn’t face any emotion he had: good, bad, or ugly. He just shut down in the face of feelings. This is the same boy that broke up with me after one of the most phenomenal weekends of my life! We had so much fun together. Definitely the best weekend we had. BY FAR! And because of that he broke it off.

He did the “noble thing” and did it because he was going to drag me down. His depression stemmed from a very very very deep place. He has the worst view of himself. Not to mention it all started with a specific event that he will never ever forgive himself for. Because of that he will never feel worthy of love. 😦 It’s awful. It’s heartbreaking.

So here I am running all these things in my head and all I can do is smile because… LOVE. What a damn girl.

Over the next few weeks he pours everything out to me. How he wished he hadn’t left. How I was the best thing thats ever been in his life. How he will spend as long as it takes to win me back. That he was put on this planet for me. And me for him.

Who did he become??? Already something was different. This man wasn’t the type to pour out his heart like this. The change was already enough to make me give him a shot again. But I waited. I needed to see something… I wasn’t sure for what tho.

But it became clear very quickly what I was waiting on. A promise to make us different than it was. But it wasn’t something words could’ve resolved for me.

Turns out he started taking medication for the depression. I was stoked to find that out. He didn’t want to “lower” himself to that before. But this guy is why these type of pills were created! For that person that just can’t find that chemical balance the rest of us kind of have naturally.

He joined a gym! This guy use to be way too self conscious for a gym before! I mean… he’s self conscious still but my point is that he is overcoming it! He’s going despite himself. That is HUGE for this guy.

He even told me he’s been praying and working on doing more of it… this is a show stopper! WHAT!!??!

He was fighting for me. As if I needed half of this with all the other feelings I have for him. I couldn’t believe the changes I was seeing in him. I’ve not experienced this much joy over something in my life I think.

I pretty quickly detached from that one guy. I say quickly… I took a few weeks doing it… and they were a LOOOOOONG couple of weeks. I wanted to be with m so badly, but I didn’t want there to be any physical overlap. Both guys deserved way better than that. It felt like forever.

M moved back to town. He left to take a job back home in North Carolina. He wanted to be near his brother. Who can fault him for that.

I dated m about a year and a half ago. Or should I say that’s when he broke up with me. Gah, that was hard. But he couldn’t wait to move back to NC so badly he was unwilling to continue “us”. It makes sense. But there was so much more to it in my heart than that.

His words said he didn’t want me and his actions said he did. He would list off reasons why he wasn’t good for me then show up at my door just for a hug.

He had red flags coming out the ass. He drank a lot and was in a horrible state of depression. It was hard. But there was so much more to him that drew me in. My own brand of magnet.

But it was one of those relationships you knew you were waiting on the end. It was coming. But you had to see it through. He broke my heart. He is the reason why I decided to pursue my kink instead of a relationship a year and half ago. My heart was a mess, but it left the perfect soil for my subbie/masochist to grow.

I knew he was coming back for about a month. And my brain shut down every time I thought of it. I was literally on the verge of a panic attack each time I thought of it. I didn’t know why. I didn’t understand what my body was communicating to me. I just knew that it effected me in a big way.

I would talk to m ever so often. He’d text or call. Every once in a while he’d say he missed me and wished he hadn’t let me go. I chalked it up to him being lonely or regretting the decision to leave this state. I didn’t know. I did know I couldn’t afford to believe him. For the last year and half I’ve finally decided that I was over it. I decided he really was no good for me. That him letting me go for “my own good” was just a cop out to “sorry, kid… i was just passing time.”

But when he got back to town he made his presence known in a big big way. He was back. And he wanted me. He missed me. He loved me. He never told me he loved me before. EVER. Who was this guy? He came back bearing his soul and his soul wanted me.

I wasn’t sure about any of my feelings… was confused about the borderline panic attacks until I saw him again for the first time…

So… that one guy? I’ve been trying to break up with him for a few weeks now. We’ll have a conversation about how I’m not feeling it and that I’m ready to call it quits and he jumps into begging mode. Seriously, last Sunday we had a 3 hour argument that I ended with, “I can’t have this conversation anymore. I need to break for food.”

To say that threw me off the first time (the whole begging thing) would be an understatement. Most of the time I was with this guy I could barely tell if he liked me. In fact, I asked him that several times in the beginning saying things like, “If you aren’t feeling this then we can walk away now. No hard feelings.” But he assured me each time he just had a slightly different time line than i was use to. Okay. Fine. But… 6 months later and I still feel like an after thought most days? Yes. He did jump in pretty fiercely after the hospital thing, but that’s plain and simple because he had nothing else going on. As soon as something popped up, he was gone. And asking if he could come over past 10pm… I don’t like that. Gimme more than bedtime. It’s not acceptable to make plans with me only to break them because the guys are watching the game. Go watch the game. That’s not the problem. But don’t break plans with me to do it. That sucks.

Anyway… didn’t expect him to hold on. He’s in some kind of denial. But even now the only thing we talk about when he texts (which are becoming fewer and fewer so maybe he is catching on) is him having a head cold and how his drainage is causing a tummy ache and dry heaving…. It’s hard to feel bad when I know he’s being a big weenie. I’ve seen him “sick”. He’s a man-baby. Bet if volley ball season was still on he’d play… but because he’s free then he’s sick. Pfft. Pass.

While me and my little brother were talking about life and love and happiness over a few beers he said a few things to me that got me thinking.

He told me I deserved so much more than what I was grasping for in life. He specifically meant my love life. He’s met my current guy and while he doesn’t disapprove he thinks that I can do better.

I deserve more.

I keep thinking about this lately.

And do I? Do I deserve more? Why? Why does anyone deserve anything? What is more? I can’t stop thinking about this. Frankly, I don’t agree with him. Not that I think that I don’t have enough now. I just don’t know that I agree that I’m 1) deserving of more or 2) in need of more. It’s one thing if I’m being treated badly or if I’m being ignored. But what is this more he speaks of? Am I missing something I don’t even realize? Should my self worth reflect what I have or what I *should* have?

I don’t have answers today. Just questions… hardly questions… just thoughts. I’ve always been good at not needing answers.

A few months back I started seeing this guy. Another fucking red head. I swear… I’ve denied I had a type my whole adult life. But This is at least number 4… and I double take the most unfortunate looking red heads too. It’s more like a compulsion really. Don’t get me wrong. There are hot red heads, and this guy is good looking.

So… this guy. He’s financially secure. Great job. Savings account. He’s intimidatingly smart. The way his brain works… The amount of information this man holds in his brain and his recall abilities blows my mind. But honestly I’m at the other end of that spectrum. I can’t remember information, facts, numbers worth shit and I can’t recall even the most recent memories.

He’s very into technology and politics. He’s loud. He does only what he wants. He likes to argue. He’s always right. He’s abrasive. But he is more than capable of admitting defeat. But also, he’s affectionate. He’s touchy. And he touches well. And I don’t mean in a sexually satisfying way. I mean in a way that fills up my love tank. I respect him more than I’ve respected the men I’ve dated lately. Respect is a big deal to me. I am so damn stingy with that for some reason.

When we first started seeing each other he wasn’t around much. I didn’t even see him once a week. I asked him several times if he even liked me. I couldn’t tell. He didn’t seem to have any kind of feelings towards me good or bad. Just kind of… there… when he wasn’t busy or when he was bored. He kept saying he was just busy. This, that, or the other. Something always came up. Our plans were postponed often. I told him if he didn’t hang out and wasn’t around I’m assuming he just doesn’t want to… Simple enough. But I have to admit when we were face to face he was completely present. And I clung to those kind of moments.

I even thought… maybe I’ll just phase him out. But no amount of my lack of initiation made it disappear. It wasn’t satisfying by far, but he would pop back up just when I thought he’d forgotten about me. And he’d pop in completely present and satisfying while we were face to face.

He explained to me that he doesn’t go through the infatuation stage. He doesn’t do the falling, spark igniting moments. And he doesn’t want that. He wants a partner for life. Someone compatible without all the hormones.

I go back and forth on this. I have a few very wise people in my life that say this is what I should be looking for. Hang up the sexy idea of being swept up. Find someone stable that can take care of me. But I want to be the object of the other side of that infatuation DAMMIT! I want to be the object of desire and I want to fall with someone. But… A partner in life. Of course that’s what I want. and if I have to skip all the heart fluttering stuff to get there? I don’t know. Something is missing… oh yeah… the spark and the fire. Let that go? Maybe I need to. I’ve done that… and holy crap did that hurt. This feels more like a decision to be made rather than something I can’t fight with logic. It’s completely opposite of all my last dating ventures. This feels grown up.

Ever since his summer/fall activities ended and my stint in the hospital he’s been around ALL THE TIME. Every day. Like a switch went off. It’s like we’re a thing now. And he’s good at it. I mean… where the fuck did this come from? So now he’s around… and I still feel a pause over all this… because now it is my decision. Keep him because he’d make a good long term partner to do life with or pass and wait on some magic? I have a logical brain and a woman’s hope-filled heart. It’s causing a little unrest.

Don’t get me wrong. I like this guy. A lot. And that’s why I have this unsettled heart about it. I feel like I need advice here. Whats my hang up? Or whats my strong hold? If I sound all over the place it’s because I am. At this point he can’t break my heart… he doesn’t really have it. Is that the direction we’re heading? Will he have my heart in the future? Can he? Is it possible to work that way?

I want to look back today. I want to examine. Analyze. Think think think on recent past. I want to dive into it!

Why? I’m not sure. To look for some science in it all. Explanations. Causation? I don’t know. But I feel strong today (after a few very tearful/hormonal days).

How far back? Let me see.

R. You never loved me. I’m not sure why you told me that. What were you really feeling? I think that maybe in the moments of “what if” and “maybe” its easy to sink into the best feelings. Humans, for some reason against all evidence and outcomes and past experiences, are hopeful. Hope. It’s not rational. But ironically it does keep us sane. I find that fascinating. But I digress.

M. It WAS about sex, huh? Man! I would’ve bet my life against that one. I truly thought you were just damaged and needed some guidance to prove otherwise. That was silly of me. This took me A FULL YEAR AFTER THE BREAKUP to realize it. Time does heal some things. Gah. This one really does feel good to come to terms with. I spent so much energy trying to figure this out thru the entire thing. Deciphering meanings from words and actions and the way the words and actions didn’t match. Some times its confusing because we want the opposite of what we are hearing but really it’s that simple. It’s just that we chose to cover our ears and disregard our gut. Our hearts are bigger than our brains. We think if we just feel enough we can over power what is actually going on. Willing everything into love and happily ever after.

Andy. What happened? I jumped too soon. Way way way way too soon. I saw a glimpse of something I LOVED! And then failed to re-evaluate as I went. I just pushed on chasing that glimpse. But that light at the end of the tunnel wasn’t at all what I thought. Andy stopped putting effort into the whole thing about 5 minutes in… I bathed in those 5 minutes. Then I bottled up that feeling and went back to it every time reality fell short. Why was this okay with me at the time? But again, I had that darn hope that makes no sense to have. Hope that those first 5 minutes would be my reality again and again with him. It wasn’t going to happen.

Mitch. Holy fuck you ruined my existence. Still. I’m still spinning. I wanted all of you forever. You never let me down. Until you walked away. You didn’t want this. And you left this. It came on sudden and it ended sudden. Easy come easy go? Not sure easy is the word I’d use tho. This guy caused more baggage than my divorce. I will forever not trust the words of someone that speaks so passionately and with such enthusiasm… SHARED enthusiasm. Still spinning. The things I felt here… felt like forever. For the first time I felt forever. Spinning.

Not much analysis there I suppose. But so many thoughts. So many feelings. So many open ended questions. No closure here. The only hope (there’s that word again) is that time will turn this into something other than a ‘what if’ and ‘the one that got away’.

I think I’ve decided that once he turned my world upside down… I’m not sitting here waiting on the world to turn right side up again. I can only re learn how to navigate with gravity pulling in the opposite direction. I’m learning.

I guess if we are using the world flipping analogy that I’m grateful its a sphere… hey looky there. Gravity is pulling in the same direction as it was before. Maybe it’s not too bad after all, huh? Sigh… And we were always spinning.

Discarded. Mitch, you gave me my new biggest fear in life. You discarded me. It’s way worse than rejected. Who knew?

Trey. I’m just so sorry I did that to you. I did things to you that guys have done to me and I hate that I might have left you feeling the way they’ve made me feel. I’m sorry. There were moments I really did what us… but ultimately its the picture I wanted. You just filled in my gap of pain… You didn’t fit perfectly but I selfishly kept you there to help appease my broken heart. It just wasn’t right. And no excuse is good enough. It was shitty. I was shitty.

This post felt like healing. It feels good. Not everything in it is good obviously. But this one felt good to get out of my finger tips.

I feel like if I can control one it might take the edge off the other. I’m still in so much pain. My constant state of being is being broken. My heart is aching all the time. Sometimes its a subtle throb and other times I physically have to stop and catch my breath while holding back tears.

So… Celibacy. 4 months. Let’s hope it’s the road to some healing. Or in the least help me find a better pattern… Find a better MO when it comes to dating and finding someone to spend my life with.

I don’t feel pathetic making that a goal in life. It’s very human. That constant search for my other half. It’s instinctual. I do hope to have peace about it tho. I hope it becomes somewhat less nagging in my heart and brain (and ovaries).

It’s not like it’s my only goal in life. But I won’t deny it’s HUGE! I’m okay with that. But peace would be good. Less pain would be great.