Brad Pitt Smells Like a Dog

Now free of his contractual duties as the face of Chanel No. 5, Brad Pitt is free! Free to choose from the world of synthetic and natural fragrance, to choose a scent that speaks to him and best represents his ethos, and all that he aims to be. The scent that he has chosen: “a mixture of lemons, water, and apple cider vinegar.”

It appears that the World’s Sexiest Man, twice-over, is paraben-paranoid. The always accurate National Enquirer reports that Pitt is so taken with the naturalist beauty that he has sworn off soap. While shooting on location in England, Pitt has been eschewing those adorable, travel-sized amenities, and is instead showering with a concoction of his own making. “Brad says he’s read up on the toxins of soap — especially the anti-bacterial ones — and feels that using them and anti-perspirants is not only bad for the planet, but it also speeds up the aging process in humans.”

This was not the first time Pitt’s pits have been a cause for complaint. His former bodyguard once revealed in a tell-all that Pitt didn’t wear deodorant. He also “shaves his armpits just as a girl would,” to minimize stench. He once counseled his co-star Eli Roth to take what’s known colloquially as a “whore’s bath,” a shower with baby wipes.

Angelina Jolie has reportedly been putting up a big stink about his natural big stink. “Their kids even started calling him ‘Stinky Daddy,’” the Enquirer adds. And thus, we imagine, the Jolie-Pitt scent-shaming began. Maddox and Zahara worked together to change Pitt’s Facebook username to “Stinky Daddy.” Pax and Shiloh surrounded him in a ring, pelting him with bars of Irish Spring and sprays of Chanel No. 5. Vivienne and Knox text-taunted him with emoticons of sheep and dogs, in reference to what Jolie dubbed as a “sheepdog”-like aroma. So it appears there are some things worth kicking Brad Pitt out of bed for.