Early Days

Our days are blurry and hazy. Annabel and I spend most of our time like this:

Occasionally her daddy steals her away, and this happens:

I love sleeping with her on my chest. I loved it when Maddie slept there. Our hearts beat together, and our chests rise and fall in rhythm. I feel her breath on my cheek, and I hear her little sighs and squeaks. I am getting to know her even when we both sleep.

And we sleep a lot.

When we are all awake, we look into each other’s eyes. We sing songs, some silly, some sweet. Hands are held, hair is brushed.

Stories are told of Madeline. We tell Annabel how alike they look, so clearly sisters, but definitely individuals.

Madeline on her birth day

Annabel on her birth day

Madeline

Annabel

We tell Annie that Maddie hated to have her feet covered by blankets, just like she does. We tell her that Maddie woke up instantly, while she prefers to wake up gradually. We tell her Maddie ate slowly and deliberately, while she gobbles food down as quickly as she can. We tell her that they share a love of snuggling.

There have been lots of tears. As our hearts have expanded, so has the hole caused by Madeline’s absence. We tell Annie what we think her sister would be doing if she were here. We imagine there would be a LOT of kisses from big sister to little sister. We try to give them on her behalf.

At night, I give Annabel a goodnight kiss for her and a goodnight kiss for her sister. Then I wrap my arms around her and I make my nightly wish that her sister will come to me in my dreams.

Marti from Michigan says:

Katie C. says:

I agree with this also… I am sure, in Heaven before Annabel was born, Maddie whispered secrets into her ear about what amazing parents she was about to have. Annie will always carry those secrets in her heart.

Laura says:

This is kind of a random story- but here goes. I have a much younger brother (17 years between us) and when he was around two or three, we caught him looking up at the ceiling and laughing. When we asked him what was so funny, he said that the babies in heaven were being silly and making him laugh. My mom and I looked at each other, puzzled, and asked him if he meant angels in heaven (thinking perhaps he had heard something like this in a story or on tv) and he said, “No, the babies you get to play with before you are born.” As a matter of fact, he actually said before you are ‘borned’, which made it even more precious.

Now, who knows why little ones say what they do, or where he could have gotten get such an idea, but back then we decided to embrace it, because who is to say that he didn’t see what he said he did?

I can think of nothing sweeter than babies waiting up in heaven to be “borned”, all the while playing with and cuddling all of their loved ones that are also up there. I truly believe that Maddie knew Annabel before anyone else. I can totally picture the two of them had a great time together, laughing and being silly, and making all sorts of trouble!

I think your Madeline hand picked her sister and sent her down to you because she knew what an amazing mommy you are, and she wanted to share that with little Annie.

This is not to say that it is not SO unfair that you don’t get to have both of your baby girls in your arms. I wish, more than anything, that it could be so. I know that you love your second daughter with your entire heart and soul, but I imagine that it must be so hard not to think of the “could have” and “should have” beens.

The grace and strength you have shown, and the way you are honoring both of your little girls is just mind-blowing. I know many of us just could not do it, yet you do. It is no wonder you were blessed with two such amazing baby girls. It is no accident that they picked YOU. No one could have deserved those precious angels more.

So sad and happy and sad.
Such a mixture of emotions.
I am missing my own boy tonight.

I often wonder what he would make of his little brother and sister
and these days, that are raw and painful, they seem to know it too. They ask questions and make requests to hold his things and listen to songs that were dedicated to him in his absence.

Alison says:

Con says:

The contrast between what you have and have not must be so hard to live with… It’s totally understandable, that you feel pain as you hold Annie. Just wanting to say, it’s okay. You will never ever forget your eldest daughter, and no one expects you to. There’s no time limit on grief…don’t accept this pressure from others. Sending love your way!

Beautiful entry. And ohmygoodness the photo comparison of Maddie & Annie is crazy. Especially the second comparison. God bless your little girls and God bless both you and Mike. I cannot imagine what you are going through, but I’ll pray that it gets easier for you.

Gosh, they really do look alike! Great joy, great sadness, all at once, plus “newborn boot camp” – no wonder the days are hazy and blurry. Sending lots of love your way, and wishing you sweet, sweet dreams.
.-= Kate @ UpsideBackwards´s last blog ..Clean, and almost tidy =-.

Michelle W says:

Aye ca-rumba, there are no words to convey how my heart both aches and soars for you. And I want you to know that as much as I am falling in love with Annabel with every photo you share, my heart is still and always will be full of love for Maddie too. I hope that the fact that we are strangers doesn’t make that sound trite because I couldn’t be more genuine.

J in eire says:

Such beautiful photos Heather, your girls are so alike, two little dolls, with such big eyes, taking everything in. I truly wish things could be so different for you, I am so sorry. I will wish for Maddie to come to you in your dreams. You are her forever mama, nothing can ever take that away, but I wish you peace until she is in your arms again. Sending hugs from Ireland.

Joy says:

I love the photo of Mike with the baby AND Rigby all taking a nap. I’m thinking of you all, especially now in this time of sorrow of not only losing Maddie, but losing your friend to cancer.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..I can handle 21 inches =-.

I love that Annabel is bringing you so much joy. I love that hearts can expand with greater capacity to love. I’m still so very sad for you that you don’t have your Maddie and that her absence hurts you more even amid joy. I’m sure Maddie hand picked Annabel, only a big sister could have done such a great job.
.-= Karen´s last blog ..This Post Has Nothing To Do With Arthur Fonzarelli =-.

Sue says:

Oh, Heather,,,,the likenesses in Maddie’s & Annie’s photos are amazing! Precious little Annie has so much of her big sister, Maddie, in her! It absolutely breaks my heart, in a million pieces, to know the pain you’re enduring as you miss her.
All of you are so deeply loved by so many people, and I just hope that the time will come when you can be more at peace.
Love to all of you,,Heather, Mike, Maddie, Annie & Rigby……………….

Your words are like real emotions, I can feel the soaring heights of joy in your precious baby girl, and the depths of despair at your loss… I know that the extremes I feel can’t begin to come close to your own, but I want you to know how amazing you are to be able to transform words into pure feelings in the way that you do.

Your girls are both incredibly beautiful. I can’t begin to tell you how happy my heart is that you have your beautiful Annie. I know that she can never take away the pain, but I hope she can bring you some peace and healing. I believe that Maddie is with you and giving her little sister all kisses and cuddles as required from a big sister. And I hope that she visits your dreams and completes your family – even just while you sleep.

Much love, many hugs. And big kisses to your beautiful Annie
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Princess in a castle =-.

Mary Ann says:

Both of your girls are gorgeous. My neice was born seven months after my Dad passed away and now that she is almost five she talks about him as if he she knew him personally. I’ve talked about him, shown her tons of pictures, and shared the story of how he had happy tears in his eyes when he found out she was coming. Keep telling Annabel those precious stories of her big sister, I love the idea of a kiss goodnight from Maddie – so sweet. Wishing you sweet dreams!

It’s interesting, my 11 month neice is soooo attracted to picturesof my grandma who passed away 8 years ago. She always acts as though she knows her & claps her hands & squeels when she see’s great-grandma’s picture. I like to think that they met in heaven before Teag came down to her earth family. I also believe that great-grandma is cuddling my sweet nephew who passed away in Nov. *sigh*
.-= Mary´s last blog ..Happy Feet~ Our Dancing Queen =-.

They do look like sister, enough alike to say that they are from the same place, but different enough to say that they are going their own ways. They are just beautiful girls. I am so happy for Annabel, and so sad for Madeline… this must be an emotional roller coaster for you (oh and especially with the crazy hormonal flux your body is going through). And though it all you write with such dignity and strength… You are amazing and inspirational in many more ways then I think you know.
.-= charlane´s last blog ..The Stats =-.

Oh Heather, it still amazes me how I cry over you guys that I have never even met. Maddie knows you love her, she loves her sister..I believe she is watching over each of you..and Im betting that Annie knows Maddie is there with her!
.-= jenn´s last blog ..Morning Glory =-.

Those first days of sleeping, waking, feeding, changing, bathing – and then do it all over again – are so magical. Funny that once those days are long gone you don’t remember the exhaustion so much as you remember the incredibly complex emotions you felt as you gazed into your baby’s eyes and your bond with them just grew and grew until it became your entire world.

Beautifully written post, Heather. It brought tears to my eyes thinking of what a bittersweet time this is for you and Mike and your families. Such joy in Annie, so much missing Madeline. You continue to be in my prayers.
.-= Mary´s last blog ..Hard Work =-.

I don’t know why I’m so amazed at how much Maddie and Annie look alike since they are sisters, but WOW, what a resemblance! I can’t imagine what mixed emotions must be surging through you at times. Always thinking of you.

Nikki says:

A friend of mine found out she was pregnant the day her dad passed. She later found out she was having a boy, and shared that one of the things that brought her peace was that she believes her dad left a part of his spirit to live on through her son.

I choose to believe that one of the ways that Maddie lives on is through sweet Annabel. So maybe it will bring you peace to believe that when you hug her, you’re hugging Maddie, too.

Tami says:

Oh man how my heart aches for Maddie not being with you. This brings tears to my eyes. With the pictures together I cant believe how much she does look like Maddie. That makes me miss her that much more. My heart goes out to all of you. Hugs,

WOW … that is what Maddie is saying … WOW I have a sister. The videos of her WOW are my favorite! It is amazing how much they look a lile an I didn’t even see it until you posted pics side by side – Thanks for sharing you are all in our daily prayers!
.-= MBKimmy´s last blog ..We love the Fishes! =-.

My heart is filled with joy for you guys all the while it is breaking for you. I’m so happy Annie is there to fill your lives with love and joy again, but so sad that Maddie isn’t. Enjoy little Annie and keep telling her about her sister, she is going to love hearing about her.

How I wish that these days were only blissful for you and Mike. I know that as Annie gets older she’ll grow to know and love her special Maddie stories as much as you and Mike find joy in telling them.

Ok this post has me teary eyed. I can’t imagine how many mixed emotions you both have rite now. No parent should EVER have to go thru this. Annie is so beautiful as was Maddie. I hope Maddie came to you in your dreams!
Thanks for keeping us updated!
.-= Andrea´s last blog ..Not Me Monday! =-.

eliza says:

Wow those pictures! Oh my goodness, they look so similar esp considering Maddie was so much smaller at birth. Crazy. Hang in there. Be careful with yourself. You’ve got a lot going on right now. Big internet hug. Your babies are so precious.

Trisha Vargas says:

Erica says:

Dear Heather,
Your words are so touching. As always, you are such an extraordinary writer moving the reader with your beautiful words. Annie looks so happy and peaceful in the photos of her sleeping on her Mummy and Daddy. She knows how loved she is by you and Mike and of course by big sister Maddie. I’m thinking of you all, these amazing people, every day here in Luxembourg.
Sending you lots of love
Erica

I remember these feelings when Flora was born about 18 months after Gabriel was stillborn. the push pull of love and grief, not wanting to forget my son, not wanting to cheat my daughter of all the love we had.

Tia says:

I have to agree, Maddie is totally watching over you guys. When my girl was 3 we went to the cementary to take flowers and we stopped by my uncles graves. I was sitting there pulling weeds and just enjoying the nice day and my daughter was running around in the open space chasing a butterfly. Later that day my mom asked her what she had done that day and she said she chased Scotty while he was trying to catch some butterflys. He died 40 years ago at the age of 9.
I hope you all see Maddie in your dreams. And again thank you for sharing a peice of your life with us. Your writing is beautiful. Just like your baby girls

Heather you look so peaceful sleeping with Annie. Maddie chose her for you and you will continue to be blessed by both of your girls! Prayers your way constantly…..
.-= Jamie M´s last blog ..Ulcers, School, Vacation, Oh My! =-.

Michele says:

Ahhh sweet girl, it’s OK to be sad and happy all at once. Don’t be too hard on yourself or Mike. There is sooo much love for Maddie and always will be….but there is room in your hearts for Annie too. You can see it in your pictures or even how you write. You both are doing an amazing job. Big hug. We LOVE you! Love love LOVE hearing how Rigby is with her too. Hugs!! And as always, GOD bless you and yours.

Tina says:

Annabel will be so grateful that you and Mike speak so openly about something that hurts so much. Even though Annabel is just freshly hatched she’s getting great life lessons that will help her to know Maddie and love her just as we all do.

Chrisie says:

Jenn says:

I was wondering if you would do a comparison. Boy, do they ever look alike…especially when they were freshly born!!! Both are soooo beauitful! I’m so sorry & sad Maddie isn’t here to share this joy with you and Mike but, like some others, I strongly believe they spent time in Heaven together before Annie was born.

I think of you often and wish so much you were worry and sorrow free but, I know that is wishful thinking on my part. One day at a time…..one day at a time….

Elizabeth says:

I love the comparision pictures! What beautiful sisters! Like others that follow your blog, I beleive that Maddie picked out Annie just for you and Mike. Annie will know Maddie through the stories you share with her. Know too that even though your readers LOVE Annie, we will never forget Maddie. Wishing you sweet dreams
tonight. Love from KY.

I think the best thing about having a small child is taking naps together. The pictures of you all sleeping are beautiful. As are the photos of both of your daughters.
.-= Stimey´s last blog ..The Eye of the Storm =-.

Glenda says:

What a beautiful post. Annie and Maddie resemble each other oh soooo much. I think it’s beautiful that Annie will know so much of Maddie. That you and Mike share so much of Maddie with Annie. That’s true unconditional love. Sending the 3 of you hugs XXX

Diane says:

Sarah says:

“As our hearts have expanded, so has the hole caused by Madeline’s absence.”

I’m so sorry. And congratulations. Such a mix of emotions. I had been hoping you would post about your feelings with respect to Madeline now that Annabel is here. You have not yet done so in great detail, but this post did make me cry. Perhaps there is little else to say. What great joy for Annabel and what great sorrow for Madeline.

When my best friend was killed in a car crash I spent years wishing she would come to me in my dreams. I cannot even begin to compare this to the grief of losing a child, but perhaps I can begin to understand where you are coming from. Unfortunately, my friend does not appear in my dreams very often, but I can call up all the wonderful memories I have of her at will in my waking hours. I hope you can eventually call up those memories of Madeline with a smile and without feeling so broken, all the while making wonderful new memories with Annabel.

I’m a pretty firm believer that all babies look alike…….When I went to the nursery when mine were newborns, I remember thinking that I was a horrible mom because I couldn’t find my child. They all looked so much alike.

Both your girls are beautiful! I love watching Annabel grow up
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..Saturday School =-.

This is the hard part. Our rainbow babies first year was so bittersweet. I remember watching a Dr Phil episode (whom I despise usually) and he made a comment in a situation similar to ours. He said “that child was already born with a job. The job of fixing something broken.

The thought made me sad at first and I vehemently denied it. But after much thinking he was right. Nathan WAS born with a job. He was born with such purpose and meaning. His birth wasn’t some “accident” it wasn’t a “mistake” it wasn’t taken for granted like so many children. He was wanted, yearned for, and he did have a purpose and a “job”. And he has fulfilled it in more ways than we could ever imagine.

I think it’s important for us as parents walking this walk to make sure we do two things. build “memories” of our deceased children for our rainbow children and make sure we never make them feel like they have to live up to that other child. Everything else is what it is.

Amy says:

So very true and am blessed that my parents never made any of us feel we were second to the 3 children they lost before us.. We were treasured for who we were first and foremost. Amazing really that they could do this but am so grateful.

Love the pics of Annie and her parents cuddling, such precious times. And I never realized how much your daughters looked alike, amazing. But each so special and so obviously loved.

I agree as well. I tell my daughter about her big sister all the time. I like to imagine how life would be if Quinne were still here. The pain never goes away, ever, but it does help knowing their memories will always live on in their sisters.
.-= Anjie´s last blog ..Tuesday’s Tip Jar – Free Food =-.

Jen C. says:

Totally understandable. Given how much joy Annabel brings to you, and how loving Madeline was, it’s easy to imagine great interactions between the two. And to wish that you could have seen them together.

Shannon Kieta says:

Sweet Heather…
I believe that Maddie gave you Annie as a sign. That was her way of say, ” i’m okay now mama! I’m in Jesus’s arms. No more pain and suffering! She sent sweet baby Annie to give you that message and for you to live each day through Annie to help heal the wounds of losing Maddie. Sure, you will never, ever forget Maddie, never, ever stop grieving over Maddie, you may never-ever stop crying, and that, my friend, is okay because Annie is here to he power of that beautiful baby WILL heal you, SOMEHOW, SOMEDAY, SOMEWAY…God Bless you Heather. Shannon

I love these pictures Heather. Annie is just so precious. I know the tears, I know the hole, I know your heart. I love you and pray Maddie will come to you in your dreams also.
xoxo
.-= Kim´s last blog ..My Path to Homebirth :: Part 3 =-.

I lost my beautiful Emma the same day you lost your sweet friend. I hope Maddie, Emma and Desiree are all playing together tonight. I hope you and I both have sweet dreams of our precious girls tonight. Annie is beautiful. We also have a beautiful new little one, Cora, who is nearly a year now…our joy in the midst of sorrow.
Many rich blessings,
Christy
.-= Christy´s last blog ..I miss her =-.

Cheryl says:

I’m so glad you put up pictures of both of your girls….just incredible how much alike they look! My sons are all in their 20’s now, but your posts take me back to the days of snuggles and nursing. Thank you for sharing your life. You have been blessed with two precious angels.

Thurieyyah says:

I believe Madeline SENT Annabelle to you – not to replace her but to be with you and your husband when she had to leave — I only came across your blog today – and hearing you describe Madeline – is so beautifull & angelic – (My gran lost a baby boy – he was a couple of years old probably Madeline’s age) it reminds me of what she said people told her after his passing – that MADELINE was too beautifull for this world and that God called her back to be an Angel – looking @ her pics too – she was truly an ANGELIC little girl!
Thanks for sharing her!