1. I just discovered an irregular mole in my armpit and I just don't think I'm ready to enter any sort of romantic relationship until I'm positive it's harmless. I mean, it probably is. It's just, I feel like I shouldn't take any chances.

2. I literally just this second remembered that I left my oven on. And my iron. And my combination soft pretzel and popcorn machine. Also, I left my baby at home unattended. Yeah. I have a baby. So.

3. I'm actually expecting an incredibly important Amazon package and also my delivery man is hot as hell, so I'd rather just spend the evening with him.

4. I was just thinking about those dangly things under chicken chins and why they even exist, and then I was like, wait, why don't I have a chicken? Why don't I own a single chicken? I eat eggs every single morning, wouldn't it be economical to just invest in my own personal chicken? I could keep her in a pen in my living room and collect her eggs every morning and we could sing to one another. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna go buy a chicken.

5. I just ordered a personal pizza and there is absolutely no way I can share. Pretty sure there are laws against it, actually.

6. I'm, like, super close to beating the newest Pokémon Gameboy game, and I feel like I should just go ahead and finish it.

8. I actually signed a legal document last week forbidding me from communicating with anybody I don't already know.

9. I literally just went into labor. Well, it started like 10 minutes ago but the contractions are getting pretty severe. I should probably go pop this one out.

10. I have to go home and think about how "Inside Your Heaven" was Carrie Underwood's best song ever and it was the longest running single in Canada for, like, an entire year and NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT IT ANYMORE. IT'S A TRAVESTY. THAT SONG SAVED MY LIFE.

11. I ate a pretty questionable bag of mini-carrots earlier, so I'm just gonna go ahead and avoid any and all human contact for a while.

12. H&M closes in 10 minutes and I am fresh out of plaid T-shirts and infinity scarves.

13. I just ran into a dog in the bathroom and he sang to me. He sang to me and he said, "Don't. Don't talk to that man." So. Just following orders here. I didn't listen to four of that dog's songs for nothing.

14. You know what? I am actually DEATHLY allergic to the fabric in that bow tie you are wearing for some reason. I shouldn't even be breathing around you right now, let alone speaking with you.

15. I accidentally lit myself on fire. I am literally on fire right now. So. I should probably go ahead and take care of this situation right away.

16. I actually just got out of a very serious friendship with my neighbor's cat. She moved and took the cat with her even though I was like, "It's basically my cat. She's here in my apartment all the time. I feed her at least six, maybe seven times a day. We pet each other to sleep at night. I feel like you should just leave her with me." And my neighbor was like, "Ummm. No. Give me my cat. I will call the police." And then I was like, "Look. Why don't we just set her in the middle of a clearing in a corn field and we'll stand on opposite sides of the clearing and ask her who she wants to go with?" And my neighbor was like, "I'm literally calling the police as we speak." And then she took the cat and left. She just left me here with nothing.

17. I touched a bathroom door handle earlier and I'm almost positive I have Ebola now.

18. I just watched this video about how I've been slicing pineapple wrong my entire life and then I was like, "Well, fuck. What else have I been doing wrong my entire life? Am I doing ANYTHING right?" And now I just have to deal with the existential death spiral I talked myself into.

19. Beyoncé could drop another album at any moment and I don't want to waste my last minutes of sanity on you.

20. I made eye contact with a squirrel earlier and I feel like I might definitely have rabies.

21. My medication is about to wear off in about 10 minutes and none of us want to be around for that.

22. You probably can't tell, but I'm bleeding pretty severely. It's… it's everywhere. I am so sorry. There is blood all over me right now. I'm gonna go clean this mess up. I apologize again. Wow. What an absolute mess.

23. My friend just called and she is trapped…in the Best Buy return line and it sounds pretty severe, actually. I'm gonna need to check on that.

24. I ate about seven hot dogs an hour ago and they are making a quick and vicious comeback, let me tell you.

25. My DVR is almost full and I can't let it delete another episode of Chopped. Not again.

26. Honestly, Nick Jonas has just ruined everybody else for me.

27. I just…no. Absolutely not. It is a 'NO' from me. Big time. Big 'NO' on this one. I will see you...well, never, ideally. So. Bye.