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Secret footage has emerged from RTE headquarters in Dublin indicating that the national broadcaster will use lookalikes for the banquet dinner should Tyrone pull off the almost impossible and stop Dublin from winning four-in-a-row.

The dry-run, which saw Sean Cavanagh imitating his brother and Philip Jordan donning a red wig to mirror Petey Harte on the night, will allow RTE to keep to the tradition of Michael Lyster interviewing half-lit players around 10pm.

An RTE insider admitted that some of the lookalikes stretch the imagination a bit:

“We sorta ran out of volunteers so Ciaran Whelan is pretending to be Mark Bradley by walking on his knees just. Colm O’Rourke will use his advanced years to imitate the ageing veteran Cathal McCarron and Pat Spillane has agreed to copy Conall McCann by wearing a beehive. “

RTE’s initial idea of filming the banquet through a window of the hotel was shelved after a cameraman suggested that the Tyrone ones might just pull the curtains together.

Meanwhile questions have been raised as to why Sunday’s referee has already booked his seat at the Dublin banquet. When asked, a spokesman for the Refereeing Committee laughed and said ‘come on now, do we have to explain that?’

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Following the furore over a map displayed on the RTE’s Late Late Show which showed six counties missing, a graphic executive from Omagh has offered an alternative map to be used on the show next week which sees Derry alone removed from the country.

Sean Malone, who joined the organisation after completing a BTech in ICT in 2009, maintains the compromise is something he hopes is palatable to the majority of the country.

“I can’t see anyone having any problems with this new map. By doing this, we make sure people like Joe Brolly, Dana, Eoghain Quigg, Fergal Sharkey, Eamonn McCann, Phil Coulter and Nigel Dodds can’t appear on TV. Seamus Heaney’s poetry may be used. We’ll make an exception for that. This isn’t something personal against Derry as some are suggesting. I’ve had great nights in the Elk.”

Early indications show a slightly less angry response from the public over the new map although many are still puzzled as to why a 32-county map just can’t be used.

Malone explained:

“That would mean acknowledging we messed up. We will never admit that. Or that we don’t really like those counties up there. By giving you back 5 of the 6 counties shows a serious level of humility and generosity from the RTE hierarchy. Just be happy with your lot or we’ll take out Fermanagh.”

Meanwhile a televised RTE Mass from the ecclesiastical of Ireland has been cancelled due to none of the production team knowing where it is.

An Ulster Council officer was said to be ‘comfortable’ this morning after he received serious burn damage to his hands and fingers seconds after drawing the tubes that sees Derry play Tyrone in next year’s Ulster Championship.

The draw, which was transmitted live on RTE2, also pitted Armagh against near neighbours Down to create two mouthwatering and lucrative fixtures for the Ulster Council. To his credit, the officer completed the draw process despite further damage to his hands when it emerged the Armagh and Down tubes were freezing cold.

An RTE studio manager attempted to explain the accident:

“It must have been the studio lights that made the Tyrone and Derry tubes heat up to 80 degrees celsius. Also, because of the length of time the draw took, the Armagh and Down tubes were like icicles by the time he got to them. That’s our explanation anyway. The Ulster man got a bit of a shock but he soldiered on through it, God help him.”

Meanwhile, neighbours confirmed that immediately after the draw was made Ronan O’Neill was spotted doing several dabs as he ran around his garden. Zachary Quinn from Gortin, a neighbour and friend, added:

“He was even doing dabs when he was getting into his motor this morning. He seems really pleased about something.”

Finally, RTE confirmed that Joe Brolly is to be given a specially-commissioned seat made of velcro to stop him sliding down off his seat in 2017.

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GAA headquarters were today said to be frantically searching for an alternative location for RTE’s live broadcast for the All-Ireland Final replay after over 3cm of Joe Brolly’s slabbers fell onto the studio floor before, during and after the drawn final, causing permanent damage to the extensive electronic equipment.

Inside sources maintain the biggest deluge occurred at half time when the Dungiven barrister considered the possibility that supernatural forces were preventing Mayo from gaining their first All-Ireland title since 1951.

Cameraman and ex-Leitrim great Gerry Sullivan explained:

“Even when he arrived he started slabberin about how deadly Dublin were, calling them the second coming and stuff like that. Spillane nearly broke his hip slipping on the Derry man’s drool as he arrived into the studio. At half time, a quarter of our electronic devices were saturated in saliva.”

Michael Lyster attempted to persuade Brolly to don a see-thru bib for the after-match analysis but was thwarted after being electrocuted by Joe’s mic.

An RTE meteorologist confirmed that over 3.2cm of slabber fell in a 3-hour period in the studio, similar to the amount of rainfall collected in the whole of Strabane during the same period. DNA experts believe only 2.9cm of the drool was from the Brolly gene with the remaining 0.3cm shared between O’Rourke and Spillane.

Producers have since vowed never to allow Brolly and Martin McHugh to appear in the same studio at the same time.

Calls have been made from various senior figures in Ulster for Enda Kenny to withdraw the remarks he made last night at a Fine Gael rally in Castlebar when he described the locals as All-Ireland Champions in whingeing.

The Taoiseach, who hails from Castlebar and played Gaelic football for his local club Islandeady, was referring to those who keep moaning about not having enough money and stuff and complaining about banks etc but appears to have bestowed the accolade of national champions without producing any definite evidence.

Fergal Jordan, a fourth cousin of Mickey Harte, fumed:

“This is just typical of the anti-Ulster prejudice that exists down there in Dublin. Has Mr Kenny ever sat on a wall in Fintona and listened to the brilliant whingeing we can do? Too warm, too cold, too poor, too rich, bad TV, young ones nowadays, priests, police, politicians, celebrities, cakes, Garth Brooks, price of coal, global warming, dentists, doctors, death….we can whinge as good as anyone in Ireland and we’ll stand up to anyone who says anything else.”

Jordan, who complained about the length of time this interview was taking, added:

“And was there a back-door system in place? Who did Mayo beat to become All-Ireland Champions? How much money were the Dubs given to improve their whingeing? And I hear Mr Kenny said something about the cynical whingeing in the north, suggesting we’re not really whingeing at all but putting it on. If Mr Kenny maybe did a bit of canvassing up here in Tyrone he’d not be so rash to award his home county with that prestigious title. And by the way, we’re all fine Gaels, not just him and his party.”

Sinn Fein have been asked to boycott future RTE debates until Mr Kenny apologises for the remark and holds an open All-Ireland Whingeing Championship with full provincial and back-door draws.

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The cameraman who took out Usain Bolt after his victorious 200m run has been accused of having ‘Tyrone cynicism’ in his DNA after Joe Brolly claimed his grandmother was one of the Corrs from mid-Ulster.

Tao Song, who appeared from nowhere to flatten the champion sprinter, apologised to Bolt at the awards ceremony but too late for RTE pundit Brolly:

“Young Song might be a great cameraman but you can forget about him as a man as far as I’m concerned. You see the Chinese jumping up and down there thinking their camera work has been great but they’ve achieved something rotten in my book. I won’t be going for a pint with him any time soon. He’s one of the Brackaville Corrs I’m told. Not surprised.”

Colm O’Rourke backed his RTE counterpart after a slo-mo analysis of the incident:

“You can see this has been coached into him. It has Harte’s fingerprints all over it, the way he sneaked up and just pulled his man down and the pretended to be hurt himself. This type of behaviour has been following the Beijing cameramen around like a bad smell. It’ll come back to bite them the next time the voting takes place for a major event.”

Michael Corr, head of the Corr Clan organisation in Tyrone confirmed that a Corr woman did marry a Chinese man in 1933 but wanted to set the record straight:

“Yes it looks bad but what about all the other camera man stuff that goes on? Why are they picking on young Song who is a nice modest lad and who knows he probably shouldn’t have done it.”

Brolly also intimated that Song indulged in a bit of sledging before the incident, shouting at Bolt in a thick Chinese/Mid-Ulster accent:

RTE face a backlash from the GAA fraternity after it emerged this morning that they will demand Tyrone appear on the field in the semi-final against Kerry wearing a sack cloth each and with ashes on their hair. In addition, there will be deferred coverage of the game after the watershed in case children are influenced by their dasdardly deeds.

RTE spokesman Noel Custard explained:

“Years ago the sack cloth and ashes were a sign of genuine repentance. Now, we’re showing a little mercy to Tyrone by just making them wear ashes on their heads and will forego the need for them to sit ashes as well as that will mess up the Croker turf. Bad enough they’re on it with their northern ways.”

The game will also be aired after 9PM.

Additionally, the Bishop of Dublin will bless the field before the game and will celebrate a decade of the rosary with the Tyrone squad in the midfield area in order to exorcise any previous misdemeanours.

“We’re only interested in maintaining a fair and just society which maybe the northerners aren’t used to. No cute hoors or fraudsters down here atall.”

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As proof that Sean Cavanagh is on the side of the righteous, reports are coming in of his face appearing in unexpected places all over Tyrone.

Tyrone people have often been given stick that unlike all of their neighbours the county doesn’t have a saint of its own. This may be about to change.

Mary Lannigan from Moy has reported that she spotted his face on a Tayto crisp.

“Normally” she explained “I wouldn’t be seen dead buying a packet of Armagh crisps but I made an exception this year as they exited the competition so early. I took out a crisp only to see Sean Cavanagh smiling back at me. I was overcome with emotion and would have kept the crisp as proof for RTE but I was very hungry and it was the biggest crisp in the packet.”

As a sure sign that the reports are genuine many of their incidents seem to occur at a time of great despair. For example a young farmer from Cranagh, 60 year old Enda Killen, was quoted as saying

“This is the worst summer in my farming career. I was out in the field a few days ago looking up at the sky in disbelief wondering if the rain would ever cease when suddenly the clouds merged into a formation that looked wild like Sean Cavanagh and Mickey Harte holding a cup. I’m not certain if it was the Sam Maguire but it definitely looked bigger than the McKenna Cup”. “Mark my words”, Enda added “those two men will go places”.

One of the most unusual experiences came from a farmer near the border with Monaghan. The Aughnacloy man who wishes to remain anonymous said

“I’ve been keeping the cows in the byre this year due to the wet weather. On the Monday after the Tyrone match I was woke up at an unearthly hour to hear them out of the byre, running round the field turning it into pure muck. I was convinced it was spiteful Monaghan wans behind it but when I went out I could distinctly see Sean Cavanagh’s face in the muck. There was one cow in particular that was running round in circles as if she had BSE. When I got up close I could see that she was just adding the finishing touch by placing a halo over his head. I went and called my wife. She could clearly see the face although she argued that it might be Sean’s brother Colm. We went and called our neighbour to decide and she confirmed it was definitely Sean but to our surprise she also pointed to a corner of the field where a few calves had formed a gorgeous picture of Tiarnan McCann with his lovely hairdo almost perfect. That should put a stop to all the slabbering of O’Rourke and his ilk.”

An RTE insider confirmed to us this morning that Des Cahill, Ciaran Whelan and Kevin McStay have put together a video sequence which they say shows Tyrone’s assistant manager Gavin Devlin cynically using a remote control in his ear to operate a flock of birds throughout the entire game yesterday. Shane ‘Cake’ Curran, however, has refused to buy into the idea and blames the Catholic Church and Fianna Fail for Tyrone’s surprise progression to the semi final.

The birds, numbering 20, remained on the field until mysteriously flying off over Hill 16 in the direction of Ardboe as soon as the referee blew the full time whistle. Our informer added:

“Yes, they’ve a pile of footage which shows Devlin talking into his ear piece and then you see the birds patrolling the Tyrone goalmouth, making it seem more congested than it really was. Very cynical by Tyrone when you see it. McStay has a big electronic screen with triangles and all drawn on it to show the Devlin system. It really is very professional.”

Our source revealed that Ciaran Whelan ‘went clean mad’ when McStay showed him his theory and smashed a monitor he was using to show how Tyrone cynically wore a red strip to make Monaghan think they were playing Louth.

“Whelan went berserk. His nostrils were the size of apples. Even Des Cahill was tutting and saying ‘them poor birds’ and stuff like that.”

Sources in Ardboe confirmed that Devlin was a deadly man for the birds in his teens.

Joe Brolly was described this morning as ‘tired, exhausted and beside himself’ after it emerged it was a Coalisland man who engaged in a spot of contact lawn-rolling in front of Willie Frazer’s house earlier in the week.

The brief confrontation, which was filmed on Frazer’s home CCTV and described by wrestling experts as ‘probably a draw’, left the Dungiven TV pundit ‘looking out through his curtains all night’ in case a Coalisland man decided to pay him a visit.

A friend of Brolly’s commented:

“Joe barely sleeps anyway what with thinking about mad things to say on TV and stuff but he’s not even going near the bed at all since the Brawl on the Lawn. It’s not fair on the wife.”

Neighbours confirmed that the Derry man bought two massive Pomeranian Terriers in 2013 after his comments regarding Sean Cavanagh in the hope that their yapping would ward off any Moy renegades set on calling out Joe on his own doorstep. He also hoped the fact they were Pomeroy showed no hard feelings.

“Joe’s very proud of his garden and recently planted a whole rake of Peruvian lilies right outside his front door and I know he’d never get over it if him and an elderly Coalisland man wrestled over the top of them.”

The Coalisland Pensioners’ Society Committee issued a statement confirming that Joe Brolly was not a ‘legitimate target right now’ but that ‘circumstances can change from Sunday to Sunday’ and that they ‘haven’t gone away’ but didn’t add ‘y’know’ which suggests they are not aligning themselves to other mainstream pensioner groupings.

A 46 year old aspiring secret agent from Seskinore has phoned the Ulster Herman to say he’s “almost definite” that the back door draw is a fix.

Sean McGrinny revealed always had his suspicions when the draw was on TV but then RTE and the GAA colluded to put it on the radio so no-one could see. The full phonecall transcript follows:

“Any old fool could be suspicious” mused Sean “when it was TV. The way they’d be pushing the balls around in a big glass barrel that was see through put doubts in everyone’s mind. But then the southerners thought they’d stifle the questions from the north by transferring the draw to the radio”.

“To my shame” confessed Sean, “I nearly forgot to be suspicious myself until last year when I happened to be in Dublin on the morning of the day when Tyrone drew Armagh. I can’t say why I was there being a spy and all but to cut a long story short I found myself in a pub in Donnybrook and there were some people there who looked wild like RTE people. I can’t recall exactly what they were saying cause I was quite pissed but I’ll never forget the big grin on their faces as they looked at me in my Tyrone shirt. It was obviously all a fix”.

“This year I took the liberty of asking people in and around Seskinore who they thought Tyrone would draw. At least 17 people predicted Meath. 18 if you count my mother in law. That was nearly half of the people I asked. Most of the others predicted Derry. Not a single person predicted Tipperary. What more proof do you want than that? The whole thing is a bloody fix”.

“Why is the draw on at 8.30 in the morning when most people are at work. RTE and the GAA thought they had the whole thing sewn up but they didn’t count on me. Being a spy I’m in control of my own agenda so I got up early on Monday morning and sat down to listen to the ‘draw’.”

“Their first cynical tactic to stop people listening was they delayed the news by talking for ages to someone in Athens about whether or not Greece will default on it’s debt. I mean is anyone in Ireland even remotely interested?”.

“When the draw started I turned the radio to full volume and couldn’t hear a single ball being shuffled during the entire affair. The only noise I could hear was someone making tea in the background. As Tyrone drew Meath someone in the RTE studios shouted “Jesus” in a cynical and shameless attempt to fool people into thinking it wasn’t fixed”.

Sean’s proud wife says that he comes from a long line of shrewd observers. His father was one of the first people in Tyrone to realise that men did not land on the moon. He was famous around Fintona and was once told to leave the pub at 2AM simply for insisting that there was something suspicious about JFK’s assassination. Sean’s grandfather was no cod either and had a theory that it was an emigrant from Tattysallagh who helped Shakespeare write 9 or 10 of his best plays.

An Omagh plumber tunnelled a hole from under his bed to the local pub 800 feet from his house over the course of 15 years, a court heard today.

Patsy Kerr had been summonsed to Omagh County Court after it emerged he had been the cause of a collapsed sewage pipe from a neighbouring house. Kerr told the court about his secret tunnel and the reasons behind it:

“The wife has a bad snore on her and after watching the Shawshank Redemption on RTE one night in 1994, I decided to do something about it so I waited til she was in a deep sleep and then set about digging a hole under the bed in the direction of the pub. I used all manner of tools from spoons to a heavy duty tunnel boring machine I managed to sneak down there when she was at the shops. It wasn’t until 2009 that I hit the jackpot and came up through the women’s toilet mop and bucket room.”

Kerr explained how he spent the last five years heading to the pub via his tunnel at 11pm before returning at 1am, undetected by his deep sleeping wife:

“To be honest I was sort of glad I was caught. She was always smelling drink off me in the morning and I was explaining it away as a natural odour. But recently I was finding myself singing rebel songs and stuff coming back up the tunnel and it was only a matter of time before I was caught anyhow. The landlord was also wondering how I was just appearing out of nowhere at the same time every night and disappearing from the women’s toilets.”

The tunnel was finally discovered after the DOE performed a survey on a sewage problem which turned out to be caused by a pipe Kerr had hit accidentally, causing sewage to leak into his tunnel over five years. The judge questioned Kerr’s wife as to why she never smelt the sewage odours from her husband. Mrs Kerr simply shrugged.

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The controversial plans to bring time forward in the Republic of Ireland have reportedly left Stewartstown residents furious. Retired teacher Johnny Fee, wearing an A-Team jumper, remarked “We’re still trying to catch up with 2014 and now this happens. How will we ever get out of 1983 at this rate?”

Augher woman Hillary Frank plans to make good the changes to the Republic’s new time by watching the RTE Lotto in Tyrone and then scooting across the border, losing an hour in the process and arriving before the draw has happened in the south, to bet on the magic six numbers.

Clonoe have decided to put an end to the general downcast mood on show in the area since the senior team bowed out of the Championship by bringing Christmas forward to December 3rd to give people something to look forward to. PP Fr Fay has also promised to make masses shorter and have good looking Eucharistic Ministers in order to raise spirits.

Omagh teacher Carlito McCabe has been awarded a £3000 grant to go towards his research into why so many Tyrone men are bald by the age of 25. His lab at Queen’s University has already operated on 18 bald Tyrone men with results inconclusive so far though some early signs hinting at midges, eels and brown sauce as possible causes.

Derrytresk GFC, who cannot represent Tyrone if they win the Junior title this year, are considering finding a way around the ban by changing their name. Early suggestions include Hanna Hill, Fitzgerald Fighting Cocks and Little Italy.

Galbally have registered their anger at tripadvisor.co.uk after someone was allowed to write ‘Crap. Don’t go near this place. A hellhole’ on the Galbally page, their first ever comment. To add salt to the wound, the comment was made by someone with the username ‘kildresswolfetonesabu’.

Sion Mills entrepreneur Sammy Gibson has shelved his plans to create ‘Google Underpants’ where you control the computer screen by moving your pants about. Early tests indicated it just looked wrong in places such as libraries and schools.

The creation by an Omagh housewife of an omelette that coincidentally looks ‘almost exactly like Tyrone’, is expected to take pride of place in a hastily-convened showcase at Croke Park.

44-year old Philomena McCaughey was making a two-egg cheese omelette for her husband Peader, when she noticed that it looked quite like Tyrone.

“It’s mighty. It looks almost exactly like Tyrone if you look at it sideways-on with your eyes closed a wee bit. And I had thrown on a big pile of grated Crackerbarrel that made it look just like the Sperrins, especially if the Sperrins were yellow and a bit more cheesy-looking”.

McCaughey’s husband admitted that the eggy phenomenon looked a little less like Tyrone after he devoured the south eastern part of the omelette, around Clonfeacle, whilst waiting for RTE to turn up.

“Aye, that’s true. I was as hungry as a horse because we had run out of eggs and Philomena hadn’t been to Newell Stores yet. I just had a wee corner of it though. It now looks like Aghaloo’s been wiped off the map, but sure, they won’t mind. It still looks deadly”.

He went on,

“RTE never turned up. Their loss. The very least we were expecting was Sky News and some reporters from London, or maybe some of them celebrity chefs like Jamie Olivers or Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen. In the end we just took a photo of it and stuck it in the fridge next to the Kerrygold”.

The pair have offered to stage an exhibition of the so-called ‘Omagh Omelette’ at Croke Park in place of the cancelled Garth Brooks’ concerts later this week.

“At least people would still get their money’s worth”, said Peader. “We’d have the Omelette on a big video screen and Philomena could play the spoons while I sing Friends In Low Places, so that people still think they’re getting a bit of the Brooks’ magic, while they’re looking at the Omelette. I’m some chanter once I get going. And for a lock of extra pounds I’d be happy doing a couple of matinee performances”.

In 2012 McCaughey dug up a potato in his father-in-law’s field which had an exact resemblance to England footballer Wayne Rooney, before digging up a further 200 potatoes that also had an exact resemblance to Rooney.

Following Eamon Dunphy’s four letter word slip-up yesterday live on RTE during their World Cup coverage, parents and teachers across Ulster have reported a rise in bad language today in homes and schools, highlighting the popularity of both football and Eamon Dunphy.

Dunphy, who has since made two apologies for his error, believed the cameras were off air before he offered his opinion on Neymar’s penalty kick for Brazil against Croatia. Headmaster Michael McGlone indicated that it is too late for his class of P6s from Greencastle, at the bottom of the Sperrin Mountains:

“Ah, I know mistakes can happen but Holy Jaysus this morning has been an eye-opener for me in terms of the power and influence TV has over youngster these days. At 8:45am, on his way in to the school, our head boy and chief altar helper said to me ‘Master, I’m hope there’s no fuckin homework today as it’s fuckin hot again out there’. This boy hasn’t cursed since birth.”

It’s not just in the classroom that colourful language has been on the increase, as mother of three Julie O’Neill from Brocagh on the shores of Lough Neagh explained:

“The children were up watching RTE last night as we’re big Mexico fans because we love their food, especially all that taco shit. We paid no heed to the slip-up last night and assumed the children had not heard it. Well, this morning I overhead my two youngest Peter (6) and Mary (5) fuckin and blindin away about the Corn Flakes. I thought two work men were in that kitchen, not my precious angels. Eamon Dunphy, you’re one fuckin bollocks!”

Meanwhile, it has been rumoured that Dunphy will tour Ireland to visit schools to promote ‘Say No To Bad Fuckin Language’ although the tour’s risky title is still under review.

One of Ireland’s leading body language and relationship psychologists has claimed she is 99% convinced Joe Brolly may actually have romantic inclinations towards Tyrone midfielder Sean Cavanagh, despite recent uncomplimentary remarks by the Dungiven barrister.

Susan LeMonde, who has councelled many high profile personalities from Hollywood to Howth, has studied hours of footage since 2003 and maintains Brolly spends 39% of air time per year talking about Cavanagh. In an interview with an Ulster pirate radio station, she revealed some of the telltale signs:

“One of the first pieces of evidence is the squirming. Joe will wriggle and wobble when Cavanagh’s name is brought up. His excitement is palpable but he provides a smokescreen by making derogatory remarks about his object of desire. For example, when he declared that Cavanagh wasn’t ‘a man’ last year, I think he accidentally revealed a deep-rooted desire for Sean to actually be a woman so that his possible fantasies would appear less odd. That’s my take on it any way.”

LeMonde went on to explain why the County of Tyrone have been at the brunt of Brolly outbursts in recent years:

“Again, this is just my theory but I believe Joe is envious of the entire county. He maybe sees Tyrone as a love rival which Sean appears to be devoted to. It’s an understandable reaction and explains the fist-pumping and red-faced excitement when he gets the chance of dissect a Tyrone defeat and dance on their grave. I think Brolly still hangs on to the hope that Cavanagh retires soon in frustation and is sitting on the couch beside him at RTE headquarters with his gelled hair.”

When asked how these types of infatuations usually end, LeMonde suggested Brolly will make an obvious slip-up in front of the cameras, possible by mistakenly calling him ‘sweetheart’ or ‘my honey’ during another hatchet-job.

The controversial television presenter Jeremy Clarkson was once again mired in controversy yesterday about a Tyrone-based filming of BBC2’s Top Gear, when he is said to have inadvertently muttered the word ‘Brolly’ by accident.

The episode, parts of which were released on YouTube, was filmed in a disused quarry near Orritor, which Clarkson is said to have wanted to use to, ‘drive tractors into each other and maybe blow up some caravans’.

But thousands of residents were last night demanding the presenter’s resignation after an incident which has once again embroiled the presenter in further controversy. The use of the B-word occurred when Clarkson was trying to choose between two vehicles, one a New Holland T7030 Delta and the other a John Deere 6330 Platinum, during which he is alleged to have said, “I really can’t choose between the two, they’re both brilliant”, but, on several careful listening of the recording may or may not have come out as, “I really can’t choose between the two, they’re both Brolly-ant”.

Many Tyrone residents were outraged.

“The hoor”, said Liam Donnelly, a pot hole maker from Urney. “Thon Clarkson needs to go. This is beyond a joke. If I actually bothered paying my licence fee I’d definitely stop. It’s only this past month I’ve been able to switch the telly on again after the RTE incident with that commentator last year. See? I can’t even bring myself to say Joe Brolly’s name. Oh”.

62-year old Conal Mulgrew, a trapeze artist from Seskinore, said,

“Top Gear’s had its day, although to be fair the last time I watched it they were reviewing the new Hillman Hunter, so it’s been a while. I don’t really bother. They don’t do nearly enough stuff about link boxes. Bet that would get the viewing figures up. Still, he can’t go about saying words like that. There might have been wee’ans watching. Or Sean Cavanagh’s oul wans”.

In a separate incident, complaints have also been made to the BBC about The Stig, who said that diffing was for ligs.

A Pomeroy technician revealed he has been commissioned to build a new studio at RTE for Brolly, Spillane, Lyster and O’Rourke to re-enact key moments in games which are being shown exclusively live on Sky TV. The GAA announced earlier this week that 14 matches will be shown on Sky Sports. These consist of eight Saturday evening matches in the All-Ireland qualifiers, two All-Ireland football championship quarter-finals, and two Saturday evening and two Sunday provincial championship games.

However, Leo Devlin, who built a hen house for one of RTE’s senior producers in 2011, has been asked to construct a makeshift studio which will see the Sunday Game quartet act out vital plays from these Sky matches for RTE viewers such as goals, points, blocks and shoulders to compliment their commentary.

“I was told that people might get bored of watching Spillane and co just sitting there watching a match, telling us what is happening. What is proposed is that, say for example Meath is playing Tyrone, O’Rourke will turn up in his Meath gear, Brolly in a Tyrone top and shorts, Spillane will dress as a referee and Lyster can be the umpire or something. They will re-enact key scenes from the game so that viewers can almost visualize the match if they cannot afford Sky or work that remote controller they have. It’ll be some craic with them boys, especially if it’s a sending off for a decapitation or a kick in the balls.”

RTE have refused to confirm the existence of the new studio but admitted it’ll be hard for their viewers to stick looking at Brolly’s facial gurns and general slouching:

“We do need to offer something different. We did a dry run and O’Rourke never moved a muscle for two hours. He made a 3-15 to 4-18 game sound like a 0-0. They’ll be turning over to reruns of The High Chaparral on TG4 in their droves unless we spice it up a bit.”

Devlin also confirmed that a Drummurrer man has been granted permission to fit a new stove in the studio.

A man was hailed as a local hero today after the Guinness Book of Records confirmed his entry into the world record books for hitting the snooze button on his alarm clock an incredible eighteen times in one morning, before actually waking up and getting out of bed.

The young achiever, Caleb McGonnell, an unemployed fence-sitter from Dregish, finally woke up at 11.48am on Friday to a round of applause from his family and neighbours and a bacon sandwich from his mother, all of whom who had watched disbelievingly as he continually hit the snooze button on his Telechron 7H241 radio alarm clock an astonishing eighteen consecutive times before promptly falling back to sleep again.

“It was amazing”, said proud mother Martina. “After he did it for the tenth time we knew something special was happening. That’s when we put the call in to RTE and phoned round all the neighbours. I feel tara because for a long time I’ve been calling the cub a shiftless, good-for-nothing, lazy-arsed hoor, and all this time he’s been hiding his true talent. If only I’d known. It’s the proudest day of my life. It would be amazing if he got asked onto ‘Britain’s Got Talent’. He would look brilliant. Or he would do if he could stop clawing himself in his sleep”.

“I’ve done this at only 23 years of age”, said a delighted Caleb. “And to be honest I think my best years are ahead of me. I really believe I’ve more to give. Sleeping my way into the record books wasn’t too hard”, he said modestly. “When the alarm goes off, it’s all about trying to pretend you’re still asleep, hitting the snooze button, and then whipping your arm back under the covers before it gets cold”.

Dregish locals have already started an on-line campaign to have the activity made into an officially-recognised sport, and McGonnell’s family have created a team in readiness for the Commonwealth Games in case the men’s 100 metres sprint gets cancelled due to lack of interest.

Meanwhile according to sources, McGonnell is refusing to rest on his laurels, and is apparently already hard at work considering another bed-based activity for the record books which is being kept tightly under wraps, but apparently involves something to do with lying on his arm until it goes numb.

A teacher at a school in Eglish has become the county’s first to achieve a full-scale breakdown this year, barely a fortnight into the new school term, accusing the pupils of sustained codology.

It took the GCSE science class only 8 school days to wear down Master Docherty who teaches science and biology at St Roger’s Secondary School in Eglish, to phone in long-term sick, a record in the county and possibly the whole of Ulster. The previous record in the county was 4 weeks achieved by a female Killyman teacher who bulldozed a bus shelter during break time, singing ‘School’s Out For Summer’ in Irish.

Pupil antics included making ‘yeooooo’ sounds when his back was turned, sticking notes on his back saying ‘I’m a oul glipe’ and nailing a trout to the underside of his table, leaving a horrible stench for five days.

46-year old Docherty, reportedly instructed pupils during Tuesday’s biology lesson to, “quietly read the four chapters on ‘Plants and their Properties’ and to do so without asking any questions or making any noise whatsoever or I’ll take the heads clean off yis all”, before putting his own head down on the desk for the remainder of the lesson without looking up. Unconfirmed reports said that quiet sobbing could be heard from behind the desk. He was later seen wandering about the school grounds without shoes.

“He cited ‘heavy flu’ in his sick note, but we all know what that means”, said school headmaster Padraig Boyle with a wink. “If flu symptoms include bursting into floods of tears, weeping about how hard it is to build your self-confidence and hiding in the storeroom, then sure, flu it is!”

He went on,

“You have to hand it to the kids. It’s a triumph, and to achieve it so quickly into the new term is testament to the commitment and perseverance of some of the pupils here at St Rogers’s. Normally they take a good few months to break a teacher, but not my lot. And he wasn’t one of thon temp teachers who are easy meat. Docherty was a seasoned professional, 15 years as a secondary school teacher. Sterling stuff from the youngsters”.

Suggestions that teachers going on long-term sick leave in record-breaking time might not necessarily be a good thing were met with perplexity by the unorthodox head.

“That’s typical of the media these days. You expect cubs to achieve something and then you knock them down once they do it. Are you wise? These youngsters have demonstrated thoughtfulness, tenacity, and persistence in working as a group to comprehensively destroy this man’s self-esteem. And you say that’s not a ‘proper’ accomplishment? Don’t forget that the challenge of getting an emotional response from teachers is even greater these days for the pupils. It has restored my faith in them anyway”.

Negotiations between Boyle and RTE for the school to appear on a new programme, ‘Educating Tyrone’, a fly on the wall documentary, have been put on hold indefinitely.