UCF Mandates Creation of “Anti-Safe” Spaces on Campus by Fall 2017

In a move protested by College Democrats, the UCF board of directors has decided to establish several “Anti-Safe Spaces” on campus — regulated areas where students can feel as targeted as possible. The idea, inspired by the Free Speech Lawn, aims to provide a measure of balance to the university.

“We’re tired of these liberals being offended by everything,” said Ethan Thorne, coordinator of the project. “So we’re going to create something that’ll really trigger them.” Thorne says the project will emulate a war zone in appearance– but a physically abusive relationship in spirit.

Volunteers in these university allocated Anti-Safe Spaces will have to navigate the experience alone. In order to survive they will have to pull themselves up by their boot straps; no such thing as a free ride here. Included in the planned Spaces are speakers projecting loud music accompanied by various sounds depending on the participants’ background. Soundscapes include:

A disappointed parent asking when they are going to graduate, get married, or have kids

A frustrated teacher unwilling to accept a late assignment

An apathetic (and ugly) Tinder date who doesn’t even invite them upstairs.

“Sometimes I can really surprise myself with my fantastic ideas. My girlfriend always tells me I’ve got the wackiest thoughts. Conservative in the streets, liberal in the sheets,” Thorne said with a wink at our reporter.

ROTC member Jared Pishner hopes to enlist as an officer in the Army after college and sees the UCF campus as a great place to prepare. “With the inclusion of Anti-Safe Spaces on campus, I now have the opportunity to experience a fraction of the hell I may face overseas. Plato once said, ‘War is only over for the dead’ so I figure I better live it up while I can.”

Scott Spencer, an active member of College Republicans, is thrilled about the idea. “I’m so tired of people being offended all the time! The other night, my roommate told me to turn down the music on my laptop because he was studying – like are you such a special snowflake you can’t handle loud music? My generation needs to know what real loud noises are like.”

Anti-Safe Spaces are set to be created at the Honors College Zen Garden, Reflection Pond, and Memory Mall.

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