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Monday, November 23, 2009

A Letter to My Fellow Patrons of Stater Bros

Dear Fellow Patrons of Stater Bros,

Based on my experience with the majority of you on Friday, I’ve come to believe that most of you have never gone grocery shopping before in your lives. Here are some pointers for your next foray into public shopping:

DO shower before leaving the house. If you are unable or if, like one sweaty fellow I encountered, you decided to bike to the grocery store causing yourself to be covered in perspiration, please do not stand close to me while I try to pick out meat. Your sweat + fresh fish = a permanent loss of my appetite.

DON’T block the entire row while you and your daughter, (God I hope that was your daughter and not your inappropriately young wife), try to figure out what pasta sauce is and what it can possibly be used for.

DO move your ass when you see that you are blocking an entire row of people who are intelligent enough to know what pasta sauce is and how to spell it.

DON’T attempt to use fourteen credit cards to pay for your purchases. Here’s a hint, if you cannot afford groceries, don’t buy candy, chips, and soda. How about you buy essentials like bread and milk and use ONE credit card?!

DON’T haggle with the check people over four dollar bottles of wine and then explain to them that they can’t check the price because you are buying every bottle on display. That is like wearing a big neon sign that says, “I AM AN ALCOHOLIC.”

DO wear sunglasses to cover up your big shiner that your husband obviously gave you instead of walking around looking sad and abused. It’s just depressing.

DON’T stand inappropriately close to me in line and then ask me why “my toes aren’t pretty.” That is creepy on so many levels there aren’t enough words to explain it.

DON’T wear shorts that are so short that when you bend over I can see 80% of your butt cheeks. Actually, I personally would prefer to see 0% of butt cheeks while shopping for fruit. Also, DON’T pair said shorts with a belly top that shows not only belly, but also multiple belly rolls. Also, DON’T pair this ensemble with heels that your fat ass can barely teeter around in.

DO pull over to the side of the aisle to talk to your weird hippy friends about how much you like tofu so I don’t have to stop in the middle of the aisle next to Homeless McStinkerton while you have your chat.