ARSENAL: THE DARK WORLD

Mjölnir was the name of the hammer of Thor, a weapon so mighty it could raze mountains. For centuries this awesome tool of destruction was presumed lost but, in 1998, it was unearthed by France centre-back Laurent Blanc, who promptly used it in that year’s World Cup semi-final to clobber Slaven Bilic, if the Croat’s reaction to contact from Blanc was anything to by.

Happily, the referee on that occasion was familiar with Norse mythology and knew that the only cure to being smitten by a mjölnir is the sight of a red card, and as soon as one was shown to Blanc, Bilic was back on his feet quicker than you could say “shameless bloody weasel whose action dragged an entire sport that little bit closer to hell”. The Fiver only mentions this to remind Arsène Wenger that Bilic has a record of plotting the ejection of Frenchmen from prestigious tournaments, so the Arsenal manager best be on on his guard when his team take on Bilic’s Besiktas in tonight’s Big Cup play-off first leg.

Arsenal have won all 12 of the Big Cup play-offs they have previously contested and doubtless Wenger won’t be put off by any talk of 13 being unlucky even if someone mentions that one of the reasons that number is considered inauspicious is because the 13th god in the Norse pantheon was Loki, a sly shape-shifter who once nicked mjollnir and wound up being bound by human entrails as he was doused in snake poison. What Wenger is perturbed by, however, is the prospect of his players being tired because they have to play three difficult matches in a week. “We had a short preparation and we know that in one week we have three big games: Besiktas home and away and Everton in between,” fretted Wenger, as squeamish listeners begged the Arsenal manager not to disclose any further details of his team’s harrowing ordeal.

The ever-heartless Bilic was unsympathetic. “They’ve got such a quality squad, such a big squad, and the same manager for 18 years – to say they are not ready is out of question,” quibbled the Besiktas manager before stressing how focused his players are on preventing Arsenal from progressing. “We won’t be doing on-the-pitch selfies with Alexis Sánchez, Arteta or Giroud,” declared Bilic in a transparent dig at Arsenal players’ tendency to inundate social media with triumphant photos after winning coin tosses. “We are not here to swap shirts with them. No! We have a plan and we’re a big club too. Arsenal are the favourites, but we’ll do our best,” warned Bilic.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

“He got an Icelandic girlfriend and then I came along. So I was raised to speak English with this accent by my dad, and people often think I’m Scottish” – Iceland youth striker Hilmar McShane, who sounds suspiciously like a Championship Manager 2 Re-Gen, explains how his father and former Pope’s O’Rangers youngster Paul [not the Paul McShane – Fiver Ed] moved north and brought him up to sound like a Glaswegian.

MEDIA … ER … VIEW?

12 August: “Austria has not only given us Josef Fritzl and Adolf Hitler. There is also Red Bull Salzburg, the most hated football club of our time” – Aftonbladet hack Ronnie Sandahl offers quite the lede to his anti-Red Bull Salzburg diatribe.

Today: “We have received a very personal email from the editor-in-chief in which he profusely apologises in the name of the paper and distances himself from these words” – Salzburg sporting director Ralf Rangnick provides an update.

A BIGGER PLUG THAN THE ONE FROM THE BFG’S BATH

FIVER LETTERS

“Re: Tony Yeboah’s referee problems (yesterday’s Quote of the Day). While he was at Nasty Leeds, Aunt Bessie’s Yorkshire Puddings sponsored him. They would give him puddings for each goal he scored, and he scored quite a few. Surely he still has a few in a deep freeze somewhere to grease the wheels of lower-league Ghanaian football?” – Darren Leathley.

“As a pedant and physics graduate, imagine my joy as the Fiver went into a field so famed for specific measurable values and pedantry (yesterday’s Fiver). However, a quick review of the figures quoted and I realised that – as the Fiver says – no one really knows. Moreover, I think any pedant willing to share data and calculations to the contrary either needs a Nobel Prize or to stop making things up. I then investigated briefly if Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle could apply to mean that position and time could not be known at the same time with accuracy making a mockery of José Mourinho’s comments, however this also was a dead end of pedantry. I did think about finishing on a description of the quantum observer behaviour of Fernando Torres but had lost the will” – Phil Smith.

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BITS AND BOBS

Luis Suárez has promised Barcelona supporters that he will never bite another player. “I say to all the fans: don’t worry, I won’t do that again,” he roared. Well done you.

Martin Odegaard, who wasn’t even born until after France ’98, is set to make his full Norway debut against the UAE next week. “This is a dream come true,” squeaked the 15-year-old. “I am shocked.”

Sporting Lisbon’s Marcos Rojo can’t wait to get himself to Manchester United. “I am very proud of having the chance of working with [Louis] van Gaal,” he cheered.

Torino winger Alessio Cerci has denied sending a tweet that appeared to confirm his transfer to Atlético Madrid. “I was playing the PlayStation and someone hacked into my Twitter account,” he IanBothamed. “I did not write that message and I didn’t cancel it either.”

Italy coach Antonio Conte has vowed to restore the Azzurri to greatness. “I live for winning,” he parped. “The difference between victory and defeat is for me the same as between life and death.”

And Aston Villa boss Ambitious Paul has got the funk on with Southampton counterpart Ronald Koeman for saying he’d like to sign Ron Vlaar. “I wouldn’t mind if he picked up the phone, but you don’t go public on it,” fumed AP.