I’m just going to destroy any hope you have of me mentioning Lana Turner. I’m not a 75 year old man reminiscing about the good old times, okay? She’s not on the list (even though I will admit she’s a super babe). I have some fresh and modern Lana’s to dish out. So sit tight and shut up.

Lana Del Rey– Obvs I would start with this bombshell. She can do no wrong in my eyes. Granted, I’m supposed to be wearing glasses 24/7 and I’ll probably have a lazy eye by the time I’m 35, so I wouldn’t fully trust the judgement of my eyes, but I digress. Miss Del Rey is a bit of a meathead in the brain department, but she has perfectly pertinent lyrics and melodies that calm my worried soul. Her groovy music videos and velvety voice could melt anyone’s cold, grinchy heart.

Lana Tisdel– You’re probably like, who is this obscure Lana that Lily speaks of? No, she’s not some random girl I went to high school with, although that would be cool. She’s a character played by Chloe Sevigny in the movie Boys Don’t Cry. This movie resonated with me on so many levels. I went into a spiraling depression (and by “depression” I mean that I was kind of maybe upset for ten minutes) and made everyone around me partake in the disturbing topic. I even featured the film in one of my college Film Crit essays about female directors. Sorry, TMI. Anyway, Lana is one of the only characters in the movie that shows the qualities of what a kind and accepting person should be. Even though she’s surrounded by bad behavior and a dead end life, you can tell she’s optimistic and emits beauty in a somewhat dark place.

Lana Kane– Okay yes, this is another character from a show. Does anyone actually know a real person with the name Lana or is it just one of those names that writers make up? Lana Kane depicts the bad-ass side of Lana’s around the world. She’s one of the secret agents in the adult cartoon, Archer. If you haven’t watched this entire series, what have you been doing with your life? Lana tells it how it is and has no time for losers like you. Or me, for that matter. She has a rockin’ bod, a good sense of humor, and is relatively down to earth for someone who risks their life on a daily basis.

Lana Winters– Yet another fake Lana. But a good one. American Horror Story is one of my newest and best obsessions and Lana Winters appears in the second season as a hard-hitting news reporter trapped in a mental institution gone…well, mental. Her story line is perhaps the best and most chilling because she’s the typical tragic tale of someone trapped somewhere they shouldn’t be with no one that understands their situation. Basically a nightmare. But she ends up prevailing after a series of incredible feats and ends up doing something very human–becomes famous for her memoir and lets narcissism take over. Don’t worry, I couldn’t ruin this season if I tried. You should still give it a go. And Chloe Sevigny is in it too. So we have officially come full circle together. I love when that happens!