Sunday, July 27, 2014

I closed my eyes and when I opened
them, my helpless infant who did nothing but eat, sleep and cry had become a
strong willed and determined little girl, who chased and tormented our two
little yorkies with her walker. It’s been nine short months since the addition of
baby Z (aka baby Diva) to our family and we could not be any happier. She has added
an element of fun and adventure to our family that we did not know was missing but have become accustomed to.

In the weeks that I spent at the hospital,
I had limited contact with her. I worried that she would not remember me or
that she would not know that I was her mommy. In the hospital, my most vivid
memories of her were as a tiny helpless baby, just starting to discover the
world around her.

Upon my discharge from the hospital, I came home to an active
and spunky little girl who instantly recognized me as her mommy.

Just when I thought that I had
this mommy thing down to a science, little Z manages to switch everything up. Her
personality is a perfect blend of her mommy and daddy. She has been guilty of
giving people the side-eye (which everyone accuses me of) since the day she was
born. Just like her father, nothing can deter her when she has her mind set on
doing something. This little girl is a smart, stubborn, free-spirited
firecracker. I never knew anyone could bring me such joy but she shows me a
different side of love with each passing day. I enjoy seeing her personality
develop. I love to hear her laugh. Her smile melts my heart and can brighten
even the darkest of days.

Reunited and it feels so good!

I have accepted the fact that I
am not the perfect mother. I try to be the best mother that I can be. I am her
mother, and I am exactly who God chose to love, comfort, protect and teach her.
Motherhood keeps me looking around the bend for more adventures to come!

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

as in an empty station when the trains are parked off
somewhere else, asleep.

Don't leave me,
even for an hour…”

– Pablo Neruda

“What is wrong?” She asked me with
trepidation in her voice. Perhaps it was the distraught look on my face or the
pool of tears that instantly welled up in my eyes. Either way, she knew that I
had just received some bad news. I struggled to hold it in, to reign in my
emotions, afraid that if I let myself cry, I would never stop. I got off the
phone with my husband and pulled myself up to a sitting position in my hospital
bed. “My grandmother!” I exclaimed through bouts of broken breaths. I did not
need to say more; she understood. She
came over to where I sat and gave me a hug. She enveloped me, and I simply
clung on. I managed to calm myself down and when I was ready, she sat with me.
My only grandmother was gone… Dani, my direct connection to my roots, was. no.
more. Reality refused to sink in. I started to bargain with God. Lord, if you
only let it not be true then I will do whatever you need. I got angry. Why
would this happen to our family, especially at a time like this? I even
experienced hope. I expected my phone to
ring anytime and for me to hear that everyone was mistaken, that she was alive
and well…the phone never rang.

All the regrets and wasted time
flooded my mind. I knew she was old, but she had always been there, a permanent
fixture. Dani was always there as long as I could remember, she always looked
the same, never changing, never looking old, but still old because of the passage
of time. I cursed time. I cursed the distance, and I cursed my inability to do
anything meaningful. I felt powerless. She never met my husband; she never met
my daughter; I never said goodbye. My friend sat there and simply listened. She
knew because she had also lost her beloved grandmother. In the hours to come,
my friend and I talked about our grandmothers. She showed me a picture of her
beautiful and regal looking grandmother. We celebrated their lives through our
memories. By the time she left my hospital room, I was calm and ready to face
my reality. Then the night came and with it. My memories and sadness
resurfaced. I cried all night and the next day, and the next. The nurses who
came to my room reassured me that all would be alright. I could tell they
wanted to do more, but felt powerless. Sometimes I smiled, sometimes I cried.
They did not interrupt, they just let me be, and let me know that they were
there if I needed anything.

Grief is a
strange beast. The stages are random and they can occur at anytime. If you are
reading this entry hoping for wisdom and insight, I am sorry, there is none
from me. I just needed to see my thoughts written on paper, to make sense of
and cement my loss. I have to accept and
believe that things will work out. We each have a purpose to fulfill in this
life, and my Dani had simply fulfilled her life’s journey. She may not have
lived a lavish and lush life, but she lived a long time. A child of the 20’s in
the harsh conditions of Africa, she lived through some things. My hope is that
she has found her way through the maze of eternal life. I look forward to being
reunited with her when God calls me home, then perhaps I would be able to tell
her all that I wanted to say. As for me,
my heart is still broken and I am still patiently waiting for acceptance.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Apparently a lot of things go on in the Athens Texas McDonald’s bathroom floor and changing babies happen to be on that list! While traveling from Austin Texas with our newborn (Baby Diva), my husband and I found ourselves passing through the huge metropolis of Athens Texas (population 12,846). We decided to stop, eat, change and feed the baby. The Golden Arches of the small town McDonald’s beckoned. Our decision was cemented by the fact that this particular McDonald's had a huge play area (think slides and ball pit). Surely a kid friendly place like that would have a changing table...right? WRONG! I apprehensively went to the bathroom to change my little one (Even though I have a small portable changing pad that I put on top of the changing stations, I hate using the changing stations in public areas.) It was too cold to attempt to change Baby Diva in our cramped car. I went to both restrooms and could not find the changing station. Fearing that I was missing something, I flagged down an employee who was sweeping the floors outside of the restrooms. I asked her where the changing stations were and her answer left my jaws agape. With a straight face she answered, that they did not have any but mothers usually change their babies on the restroom floor... Yes, you read that right...the restroom floor...WHAT THE HELL McDonald's! You can afford to have an intricate and obviously expensive indoor playground, but no changing table! Where do they do that at? (Yes, I know that I just ended this sentence with a preposition, but the tomfoolery warranted it). If no changing table, how about a small table? Common sense would dictate that any establishment that purports to cater to children should have something as simple as that. Parents and customers who frequent the establishment should demand a changing station instead of changing their babies on the germ infested restroom floor. I am still shaking my head at the entire experience. McDonald's in Athens Texas gets a huge side-eye from me.

About Me

Welcome to my blog! Thank you for taking the time to visit and I hope you return. I am a fun loving individual who loves to meet people from various walks of life. What I lack in stature, I make up for in my ability to love others. I am hoping to create an interactive blog. I would love to highlight issues that are important to me and my followers. Never imagining that I would live in a small town and love it, I will give readers insight into my life in hopes that they welcome me into their houses and hearts through their computer screens :-)
Welcome friends, I hope you come back....often!