From The Dregs Of Craigslist: Used Beard, $50

We’re not sure how we managed to stumble upon this Craigslist ad for a “Used Beard,” but boy are we glad we did. How did the internet know that was exactly what we were looking for?! Magic! For those interested, $50 will get you the freshly shorn whiskers of one Chatham, New Jersey man, who says that his beard has been, “Conditioned regularly with my girlfriend’s Garnier Fructis for that long lasting, deep rich burl.” He writes:

“For sale: one sweet beard, used. Looking for that burly hipster look? Don’t have the time to press out your own? Pick up this one for a song. Maybe your neck is chilly or perhaps you are trying to distance yourself from your father’s babyface/weenie genes. Maybe your moustache is growing weary of being alone. A gnarly face friend could be the answer.”

As for compatibility, you’re on your own: “Check your owner’s manual for fitment with your application.” This is a joke, right? Well, the advertisement does state “serious inquiries only.” Seriously deranged, you mean? [Craigslist]