Field Guide to Real Christians: The Rarest of Birds

A few quick field notes for my friends on spotting “real Christians” in the wild.

1. Real Christians can be identified, according to the field guide, by the bright plumage of their great love. It is the primary indicator.

2. Real Christians, behaviorally, can be found taking care of marginalized creatures that they come across in the wild. The Real Christian recognizes the need for proxy parenting and protection of species that have been generally abused in their own habitats.

3. Real Christians have a very strange reproductive cycle. They accept other birds into their flock and then over time the DNA of the Real Christian replicates in the other species. At some point, the new member of the flock either decides to stay or fights off the ‘invasive’ DNA.

4. Real Christians have a unique diet and preference for habitat. Since the immune systems of RC’s vary greatly from bird to bird, they may have very different diets from other members of the species. The sensitive biological and genetic makeup of these birds is diverse and tolerance for different foods accounts for the difference in diet among the individual birds. Habitat works the exact same way as different individuals of the species can tolerate entirely different types of environments. This, however, never interferes with the distinctive love plumage of the birds, except among the extremely ill or malnourished.

5. Real Christians fly and take great joy in flight. They are most happy in bright areas where things cannot be hidden in shadows. They are joyful chitterers and can be noted for their song even in the direst of circumstances.

6. Real Christians are not predators and will generally only fight if protecting a marginalized species that they have adopted.

7. Real Christians, like many flocking species, seem to have a Collective Consciousness of some kind which allows them to work together and stay unified, even if they are in radically different habitats or have radically different diets.

8. Real Christians are rare. Many other birds have evolved to look like RC’s and therefore cause much confusion. Be careful, many of the imitative species are rabid and predatory.

9. Real Christians are always looking to bring you into the species. It’s what they do. Relax.

There are many other facts about RC’s in the wild, but this should get you started.