Life... As weird and wonderful though it may be.... Life always turns surprises in our path. Be it good, be it bad... Let come what may.
This blog do I dedicate to all who may read. That we may share understanding of men and people; especially of self.

Redirect You

07 June 2007

What do you do if you become someone whose actions affect the people around you? I dunno... I feel as if I have almost become someone like that. Call me perasan, or whatever. But I do think that.

It's not as if I like it. but then it's not as if I dislike it neither. But I get disconcerted whenever I find out that there's another reader of this blog who takes me seriously.

It's not that I don't appreciate it. Far from it. But I feel... I dunno. Weird. It always things like this that make me start to question myself. Who am I that I deserve such attention? What have I done to let me have such?

The comes the what-ifs. Now that scares me; what-ifs really do. What if people interpret my actions wrongly? What if something I do, however little, pushes someone just over the edge? What if anything I do affects the effectiveness of any group that I am part of?

Those kinds of questions really scares me. I used to live rather free. Free to do what I want. Free to drop anything I want. Free to push the limits. Free to do nothing or anything. All according to my will. But now when considering a bunch of other things in my life, and considering the effects and ripples that I may make through all my connections, I shudder at the implications.

Because I am connected to so many, and because of my loud nature, it could be that any little action I take that is observable by even few makes ripples that is felt by many. Of course, it could also mean that I'm getting paranoid. Which I truly hope I am not.

Sometimes though I just can't help it when the feeling of wanting to help, the feeling of wanting to be of service and to be useful to someone overwhelms me. That's mostly why I almost can't say no to people. Thus taking on another responsibility that would produce ripple-making actions.

I hope to God that I make no undesirable effects on people. I got scared these last few weeks observing the effects of certain actions of mine a few months prior. I really hope they turn out to be good effects taht bring blessing upon me rather than curses.