God's Comic

I have a GPS system on my phone that not only knows exactly how to get me anywhere I need to go, it also knows where I am at any given time even when I don’t have the slightest idea. Her soothing British voice is always there to guide me when I’m lost and it gives me comfort. She never gets rattled and she never loses patience with me. With GPS where I once was lost, now I’m found.

When I pray to find the correct address I’m looking for, she always guides me to it though sometimes it’s not by the shortest route. Sometimes in life you just have to travel by most use of freeways. I have never met my muse face to face but I always know she’s with me. I often travel into unfamiliar territory and even when I begin to question her wisdom and understanding of the situation I have learned that if I just trust her and follow her lead no matter how unfamiliar and frightening the area may seem to me, in the end I always end up where I needed to go no worse for the wear.

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The more adventures we have taken the more I have come to rely on her guidance. It is becoming a normal way for me to live and it’s becoming second nature to simply trust her without asking her why she is taking me this direction. It is comforting to learn to lean not on my own understanding but in all my ways acknowledge her and she will direct my path. Sometimes when I’m driving long distances I’ll gaze into the heavens and wonder where she is.

I also look around at all the other travelers going in many different directions than mine and yet she is able to assist all of us simultaneously. No amount of people asking her assistance is ever overwhelming or refused. There have been times when I have gone to areas I have been many times before but I have her guidance system engaged anyway. Once in a while she will direct me a different path than I am familiar with and used too even though I know the way!

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I’ll even ignore her guidance in these areas and choose my own route. She isn’t offended but simply waits for me to make my move and then patiently readjusts her directions to try and compensate for the path I have chosen. She never gives up trying to lead me in the way I should go but because I am driving she doesn’t stop me from my choices, she only makes do with what options I have left her with and carefully negotiates an altered plan based on where I have put myself.

Of course my way gets me where I wanted to go and her way would have done the same. Whose way was best, who knows? I do wonder though why I take her advice unheeded when I’m venturing into uncharted waters but always take the reigns back when I feel confident I know better this time. Of course my friends I realize I’m talking about a computer program and some satellite configurations. But why do I have this gnawing suspicion that there is a metaphor in here somewhere?

Around this time of year we always comment that another year has come and gone. But has it really? I mean we have arbitrarily created the calendar year based on the earth’s rotation around the sun or something to that effect. But just because it does rotate consistently doesn’t mean we had to choose that as our system of years.

Haley’s comet comes around once every 75 yrs or so. What if we decided that every time Haley’s came by it was a year? Think how much younger we all would suddenly be. The Bible say’s that to the Creator one year is like a thousand and a thousand is one year. So you could at 30, for example, theoretically be turning 30 seconds old or 30,000 years old based on your measuring system.

Of course there was the tried and true hourglass that apparently took an hour to finish but only ran when you decided to turn it thus making a day much shorter if you chose. I think sundials were one of the first timekeepers but were pretty much only reliable in the Sahara. If you lived in Seattle and didn’t want to be late for work back in the sundial days you were better off setting up a cot at your work station and get up when you heard any commotion.

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God created the idea of time (since it is only an idea, being eternal there really is no 7:30 or whatever, but I digress) and gave us a way to measure it based on darkness and light.

He had to separate the two so we could tell them apart otherwise everyone would think they lived in Seattle as I already mentioned. We talk about time like it is alive. It is a good time to start a new resolution. It’s about time I turned over a new leaf. There is no time like the present.

Actually all there is when it comes to time is the present. Each moment you exist is all you can rely on since none of us can control our existence and none but God decide when time is up.

The one thing you are expected to control is your attitude during the moments of existence. We are not supposed to grow as Christians to show God how holy we are getting. Instead we are to practice such an unusual lifestyle of gratefulness, love and compassion for others irrespective of our own condition that we drive fellow humans to desire a life like ours. Do people watch your life and say“I want what he has?”

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This is why I imagine God says without faith it is impossible to please Him. Faith relies on what we believe God to be based on His Holy Book.

We live for substance we hope to grasp one day in a dimension both similar and dissimilar to our familiar 3rd dimension, we commit to evidence even when we don’t see it using three dimensional eyes but a “sense” of faith that is tangible and allows us what would be considered an extra-sensory perception to “see”.

This is the life of the believer that we all not only should strive for but are expected to. In time we’ll get there, just stay clear of Seattle.

There was a time in my life when Christmas smelled like fir trees and hot cocoa. There was a time when getting a “Twister” game would have been a treat. There was a time when I could count on my grandparents giving all my cousins and me a “book” that contained lifesavers of all varieties packaged within its covers.

There was a time when I wanted a hot wheels set and a boomerang. There was a time when going to sleep Christmas Eve was nearly impossible, and yes, I listened for Santa on the roof. There was a time when I lived in California where we had no working chimney and yet the fact Santa was coming down it still seemed plausible.

There was a time when a brand new Christmas cartoon was going to air that night, something called “ How the Grinch Stole Christmas” and I saw its first airing. (This was after the yearly ritual of watching “ A Charlie Brown Christmas” had taken place.)

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There was a time when I got a Slinky in my stocking and was overjoyed even though I broke it within the hour. There was a time when both my parents were alive on Christmas and me and my sister and my two little brothers celebrated as a family and thought it would always be that way.

There was a time when I got my first pellet gun for Christmas. There was a time when we sang Silent Night at our Christmas program at school. We also had a Christmas break. There was a time when getting presents was by far better than giving them.

There was a time when I went from hating clothes for Christmas to actually liking them. There was a time when some of my Christmas was spent at a girlfriend’s house instead of at home. There was a time when I had my first Christmas tree with my wife and it was small and we decorated it and had eggnog.

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There was a time when a Christmas card had a picture of me and my wife and a sonogram. There was a time when we put a Santa hat on a 6 month old and sent that card out. There was a time when we got Barney and Tele-Tubbie’s videos for our kids for Christmas.

There was a time when my kids got there first bike for Christmas and we made cookies for Santa and he always took a bite and spilled a little milk. There was a time when I felt my kids would always want a picture with Santa.

There was a time that I thought my daughter would never be embarrassed to hold her dad’s hand at the mall. There was a time when I thought my kids would always think I was smarter than they were.

There was a time when I realized my son doesn’t need me as much as I needed him too. There was a time when I thought I would never grow old.

There was a time when I actually believed I had all the time in the world.

I came across a classic Christmas song the other day and after examining the words I have come to realize how easily humans accept ideas at face value without scrutinizing them for philosophical and/or cultural flaws. The song I’m referring to of course is “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”.

Here are the lyrics with my copious notes:

“Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer”…

Stop! First off, why bring up the red nose? If you have a red-nosed reindeer it is fairly obvious and social decorum would dictate you keep it to yourself to save the reindeer’s embarrassment. We don’t treat others that way normally. Who goes around introducing others like “Hey there’s Jimmy the Pockmarked postman”, or “ Have you met Nancy the lazy-eyed court reporter”? No. In the past the only time we emphasized a physical flaw in others is when were trying to sell tickets to a sideshow. I’m pro sideshow mind you but I’m looking for an alligator skinned women or a snouted man, before plunking down good money. For a red nose?, ..Not so much.

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“had a very shiny nose”..

Wait a minute. You just told me in the first line it was red, now it’s shiny? Ball bearings are shiny; patent leather shoes as well, not necessarily a color. So which is it red or shiny?

”and if you ever saw it”..

Why would I? I don’t need too since you already described it to me.

“you would even say it glows”…

GLOWS!? The moon glows, candles glow, how could you possibly confuse a glow for red or shiny? Why can’t you get your story straight? Who are you protecting?

“All of the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names”..

Why not, he’s a reindeer with an indecipherable nose issue; something needs to be said.

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“they never let poor Rudolph”..

Poor? How do you know? You have access to his tax returns, what, suddenly it’s a class struggle; we have to play the poor card? Fear not Rudolph, Obama’s in office, redistributed wealth is coming

”play in any reindeer games”

Does he care? What could a reindeer game consist of anyway? They have hooves for Pete’s sake. Hooves not fingers. That rules out any board games that involve dice. (Can’t grip em) no ball games. (Can’t hold a bat, catch a football or dribble a basketball) or any charades since it would be impossible for him to indicate how many words or syllables. Sounds like he’s not missing much!

“Then one foggy Christmas eve..”

huh, foggy where the North Pole? It’s probably foggy a lot there but what are you saying the entire earth got foggy on the same night? That sounds like the apocalypse to me. What’s next, locusts and boils?

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“Santa came to say..”

finally Santa shows up. Where was he all the times Rudolph was being ridiculed and in pain? Can anyone believe in a Santa that seems to ignore us in our darkest hour?

“Rudolph with your nose so bright..”

Santa please! Keep up, here are your options the nose is either red, shiny or glowy. None of which fit the category of bright or someone would have said so long ago during the reindeer-mocking Rudolph sessions.

“won’t you guide my sleigh tonight”?

Let me get this straight. Santa spent a year using magic elves to build, paint, box & wrap every possible gift imaginable. From Lego’s to tennis bracelets, yachts to wii’s. He is able to pack every gift for every human on earth in one sleigh and deliver it, via chimney, to every human on earth in one night, but somehow you were unable to fashion a couple headlights to your sleigh and needed to call on the freak?

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“Then how the reindeer loved him..”

Oh yeah that’s gonna happen, when they hated and mocked him his whole life and suddenly he’s thrust into the spotlight to accomplish something these brats were incapable of, thus putting him in the category of Santa’s favorite; Suddenly they’re all going to let bygones be bygones and embrace him as misunderstood and they’ll receive the revelation of their own arrogance and bullying and suddenly repent asking his forgiveness which he’ll grant readily as he is an enlightened soul? Who wrote this story the Hallmark channel?

”as they shouted out with glee”..

Glee? Who uses the word glee? Yeah that’s what the song was missing, an archaic word from a nineteenth century romance novel to keep the song exciting.

Why not? There isn’t a lot of competition for classic songs featuring reindeer. As a matter of fact it may be the only reindeer song ever penned. The fact that he was genetically mutated just gave the song the conflict it needed to give it legs.

By the way I just heard about a buffalo in Wyoming that was born with 2 heads, 6 legs and it lived. Sounds like the making of a new Christmas classic. Where’s Mel Torme when you need him?

Traveling by faith!I have a GPS system on my phone that not only knows exactly how to get me anywhere I need to go, it also knows where I am at any given time even when I don’t have the slightest idea. Her soothing British voice is always there to guide me when I’m lost and it gives me comfort. She never gets ratt

Another year! or is it?Around this time of year we always comment that another year has come and gone. But has it really? I mean we have arbitrarily created the calendar year based on the earth’s rotation around the sun or something to that effect. But just because it does rotate consistently doesn’t mean we had to ch

Not much time leftThere was a time in my life when Christmas smelled like fir trees and hot cocoa. There was a time when getting a “Twister” game would have been a treat. There was a time when I could count on my grandparents giving all my cousins and me a “book” that contained lifesavers of all varieties pac

Reexamining RudolphI came across a classic Christmas song the other day and after examining the words I have come to realize how easily humans accept ideas at face value without scrutinizing them for philosophical and/or cultural flaws. The song I’m referring to of course is “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”.

Is Thanksgiving too "Commercial"?During this Thanksgiving Holiday I believe it is important to take a moment to thank God for the little things that often get ignored or neglected in our hectic lives. Lots of football will be watched over Thanksgiving for example, which reminds us to take time and say a little prayer thanking God f

About the Authors

Brad Stine
As part of a mission to free us all from the chains of political correctness, comedian, actor, author, and conservative Christian, Brad Stine provides comedic social commentary from a Judeo-Christian point of view.» Posts by Brad Stine