Once upon a time, there was a mother and a father who had a child or children. They wanted their children and they did whatever they could in order to have a wonderful childhood.

Of course, they were people too and had pasts as well as flaws, faults and warts like everyone else in their kingdom. They made mistakes but, they tried and continued trying to make their child’s or children’s lives as best as they could make it for them. The parents certainly wanted their child or children to grow up differently and better than what they, themselves had grown up with or in the manner in which they were raised. Afterall, though there wasn’t the information highway out there for them to read all sorts of things on, they had books and doctors who told them how to rear their children according to their own particular sets of principles. Study after study had been done, costing parents a small fortune or even a big fortune in taxes and other hidden costs and ways.

As the child or children grew, they demanded that parents be a certain way for and with them. Parents did whatever they could to bend to those commands. In spite of great attempts and the issues that parenting took from them, some parents more than succeeded while others were unable to meet every single whim that the child or children had. Still, these parents did everything that they could do for their child or children.

The Demands, Commands, Temper Tantrums…I WANT!

Parents gave them money, time, effort and help whenever and however it was needed by the child or children. There were roofs over their heads, late hours with friends, girlfriends, boyfriends and even times when the parents were so tired that they couldn’t hold their heads up, let alone cave in to another demand made by their child or children. Yet, the parents plugged along and did as the child or children had commanded that they do. Heaven forbid that there should be an angry child or children as that, in and of itself was exhausting for the parent(s).

If you don’t give it to me, I’m going to through a temper tantrum!

Time went by and the child or children had become adults. At this point, it was money, cars, university/college degrees if it could be afforded and so much more done for and with these now adults.

Parents saw their adult children less and while their own health was getting worse with age or they needed help themselves, their children were off living their own lives when they weren’t requiring help, money or the parents to do whatever they wished to have happen. These parents were obliging and did whatever that child or children wanted or as much as the parents possibly could do for and with them.

Then came the time when the parents either divorced or they simply had to say that they couldn’t do what they had been doing any longer. The child or children grew angry and discontented with their parent(s). After all, wasn’t Life about them? Shouldn’t their parent(s) stop and do whatever they wanted? So, in a fit of temper, the angry child or children began to feverishly find ways, the parent(s) flaws, faults and warts with which to embellish the situation in favour of what they wanted done and wasn’t to their satisfaction.

As a matter of fact, the entire scenario was so blown out of proportion within their own minds that the parent(s) couldn’t understand what was happening or why. They’d done everything that they could do and more for that child or children. What had happened? Why?

Then, one day when the child or children no longer felt that the parents were of any use to them or out of pure indignation, that child or children left the parent(s) alone, calling them names that were only usually meant for professionals to state after many tests. They threw giant temper tantrums, blocking parents on all forms of communication and wouldn’t respond or responded with mean accusations that the parent(s) couldn’t even fathom, let alone understand, leaving the parent(s) with questions and wondering if they truly were at fault. Society blamed them too. The Kingdom belonged to the child and therefore, it must be the parent’s faults. It certainly wasn’t theirs. It couldn’t be. They were perfect specimens of people. They had no faults, flaws or warts and yet, their parent(s) were simply filled with all sorts of them. The parent(s) were the rejects who were unceremoniously ejected from that child’s or children’s lives.

Eventually, some of these adults had children of their own but, the parent(s) weren’t invited to be part of their grandchildren’s lives either. As a matter of fact, some grandparents didn’t even meet or know their grandchildren. The parent(s) were considered “flawed, warted and faulty people” so, the child or children deemed them as unworthy of being in the presence of their own children.

These adults who had estranged themselves had wives, husbands, significant others, in-laws or in-laws to be, educations and even parents who had become ex spouses to fall back on. They didn’t need their parent(s) any longer as others filled spaces as well as their heads. That left the parent(s) tossed aside like yesterday’s garbage, un-helped, hated and even rottenly named or talked about. There were all sorts of ramifications that came about because of their stances which left hurting parents behind in their wake, wondering why.

Some eventually, needing something from their parent(s) came back into their lives for a period of time or, for as long as they were getting something from the parent(s) before disappearing again from their parent(s) lives. Others, didn’t return and vowed to never have anything to do with their parent(s) again and if they had children of their own, they became “pawns” in that child or children’s temper tantrums, false accusations or expectations from their parent(s). Blame, shame and otherwise filled the parent(s) and now for some, grandparent(s). After all, both those children as well as Society had told the parent(s) that they were bad as people and parents and grandparents. They told their own children that by example if not words as well.

What’s saddest about this story is that it’s based upon a conglomeration of many parent’s journeys. Estrangement is real. It’s not as rare as one would think. No parent going through this is alone. As a matter of fact, many adults today came to believe that the world should bow to their wishes, demands, commands and when parents couldn’t or didn’t, they estranged themselves or tossed away their parent(s) in lieu of something or someone that suited their wants and needs better. There was no looking back at what had been done for them, there is only the things that they have been convinced by something or someone else, including themselves, that they have a right to have. There is no sense of helping out parents. There is no understanding on their parts and no attempts at doing so. In short, they have discarded their parent(s) like yesterday’s garbage because they don’t need or want them any longer.

These now adults don’t seem to take into account the fact that there are issues or problems in Life that their parent(s) will go through as will they. They also don’t appear to care that parents are aging and therefore, will have health and other issues creeping up on them, unwanted. Of course, there is no taking into account forms of understanding that there are issues. There are only their own issues and everyone and their brothers are supposed to be there for them.

For those who believe that they are “perfect parents”, let them. Let them believe that because a parent doesn’t fall at their feet, they are worthy of being tossed carelessly into a garbage can with anger and bitterness. Allow them to believe that because their parent or in-laws don’t follow their every detailed command with their own children, they are also considered “bad”. Nevermind the fact that those very parents had already raised both them and their significant others to that age. Let them have the idea that they’ve found the Holy Grail to parenting. It’s ok. Life or their children or both will eventually let them know that they too, are to be abandonded as soon as their own needs or wants aren’t met. Their own children will likely use them until they don’t need them any longer too. Nursing homes are filled with parents who haven’t been wanted, long forgotten. Not all in a nursing home’s care will be this way but, many will. Those who have foresaken their parents may find themselves tossed into a corner so that their own children can go on with their lives as they wish. They will have learned from the best, right?

From my little corner of life, I wish NO ONE bad. We are also not talking about true abuse or neglect by parents but, rather those such as myself and my husband and family who have all been tossed aside unceremoniously.

Parents, don’t cry, don’t fret as much as you have been. Estrangement is often due to the child’s or children’s own imaginations or lack of need or care for our issues. Their time may be coming. While I hope not, may our adults wake up before estrangement becomes part of their futures with possibly, their significant others or own children doing similar to them as they’ve done to us.

One thought on “Who Rules The Roost: An Estrangement Story”

Today was Thanksgiving in the USA. I made no attempt to reach out to my 2 out of 3 estranged adult children in their 40’s. They as well made no attempt to reach out to me today. I have started new memories, I don’t need to look at their photos, so I changed my facebook page. I can pray for them, I have the memories but I am done with them. I will not tolerate the same abuse from my son as he has his dad’s bad behavior! Thanks for all you do LouEllen! By the way, can you check Yelp ratings in Canada for a good hairdresser? Hugs!