If you’re anything like me, I know what you’re thinking: there goes my fucking weekend.

You probably had plans to sit around in your pajama bottoms, watch the NBA playoffs, and take advantage of your “day of rest.” The last thing you need on your Saturday is a bunch of goyim dropping into a pit of flaming fire, collecting their angel wings, or whatever it is people do during the end times.

But here’s the catch: Jews are exempt from the whole ordeal. I think if Jesus really is coming, he’s going to walk past Russ & Daughters and wink at the woman with the big Star of David and say, “don’t worry, I’m one of you guys. I’m just giving these people what they’ve been asking for. All I want is a bagel with whitefish, onions, and capers.” Between this scheduled rapture and the Mayan calendar running out, we’re pretty much golden for at least a few months, so have as much fun as you’d like, and embrace living in post-rapture times.

But just in case you’re stuck on the fact that the supposed “end of the world” is nigh, I’d like to offer a five quick tips on to help you better enjoy the world now that most of the world’s population has vanished.

1. Take advantage of the amazing deals.

Seriously, half the world is gone–you won’t even need to haggle. You need something to hang your linens on? Just walk into Target and take a towel rack. Who’s going to stop you?

2. Find out if Joe Smith was really was a Nazi.

Did you have a sneaking suspicion that your kindly old neighbor with an accent had a shadowy past? Well, he’s gone. You can now go look through his house and confirm your suspicion that you were living next to another John Demjanjuk.