Sunday, November 18, 2012

Superman XXX - A Porn Parody starring Ryan Driller in the title role, with Andy San Dimas as Lois Lane,
Alexis Texas as Miss Teschmacher, James Deen as Jimmy Olsen, Lexi Belle, Kristina Rose, Zoe Voss,
Dale DaBone, Evan Stone, Alec Knight, Ben English, Dick Chibbles,
Eric Masterson as the evil Lex Luthor and directed by Axel Braun.The Plot: a re-imagined porn version of the 1978 Superman movie with anopening that's fairly close to the original movie as Zog, Ursa and Non are sentenced to The Phantom Zone with Zog yelling "Your heirs will kneel before me". The movie then skips over Superman as a youngster and goes straight to Clark Kent (Ryan Driller) flying to Metropolis to get a job at the Daily Planet. Flying the plane is Evan Stone with his co-pilot Alec Knight. Flight attendant Lexi Belle comes to check on them to see if they need anything. Being porn this, of course, leads to the first sex scene, which is only kept interesting by Evan Stone's ad-libbed (I'm assuming) comments. Returning to the plot, the plane blows an engine and is saved by Superman.

Next up we are at the Daily Planet and Perry White (Will Ryder) is obsessed with getting photos of the "flying man". Clark Kent has been hired as the new reporter and shortly after his arrival, Lex Luthor (the always great Eric Masterson) takes over the TV airways to let everyone know he has sent a rocket to destroy Metropolis. There's a funny bit here about Clark trying to find a place to change into his Superman costume. Superman catches the rocket and sends it soaring into space, where it blows up The Phantom Zone, releasing Zog and his two cohorts. This is actually a plot point that was discarded in the original production of Superman.

It seems Jimmy Olsen (James Deen) had talked the receptionist (Khristina Rose) into having sex with him before the city was destroyed. Once Superman destroys the rocket, Deen has to convince Rose there is a second rocket on the way which sets up the film for its second sex scene. James Deen not only made a great nerdy Jimmy Olsen, but he and Khristina provided the hottest sex scene in the movie.

Next scene up is Lex Luthor and Miss Teschmacher (Alexis Texas) as Lex frets that he can't destroy Metropolis until he destroys that man in red underwear. Miss Teschmacher tells Lex he needs to relax and unwind and when he agrees that's a good idea, this leads to the third sex scene of the movie. Eric Masterson was delightful, as always, as Lex and since he not only had to act but also have sex, I think that one ups Gene Hackman any day!

Zog, Ursa and Non drop from space to Earth and in a comedic bit of aliens not understanding (think 3rd Rock or Mork), they think The Daily Planet is the seat of Earth's government.When they arrive at the newspaper office and want to know who is in charge, Perry tells them Lois (Andy San Dimas) is the head writer. They assume that's the name of the World Leader and force Lois to kneel before Zog....cue next sex scene.

After that sex scene, Superman comes to the rescue and sends the villains back to The Phantom Zone. Superman tells Lois he'll see her in the news, but he shows up later on Lois' balcony, echoing the same scene from the original film. After taking Lois flying, the movie has its final sex scene with Superman and Lois. As Superman flies off, we find that Lex and Miss Teschmacher have been spying on the couple. Lex comments he has found Superman's one weakness (Lois) setting up for a sequel which I really hope happens, since Superman XXX was such a good production.: The movie paid homage to the original plot and added in a lot of humor making for what I consider a true parody. All the acting was top notch as was the casting of the actor/performers. Even the few special effects were pretty good. The only thing wrong with Superman XXX were the long sex scenes, even though they did flow with the plot, they broke up the narrative too much. For this reason I"m grading Superman XXX an A, instead of an A+.

: Calling this a parody is really misleading since at least 95% of the dialogue in Rezervoir Doggs is lifted straight from "Reservoir Dogs". Since the majority of the mainstream movie takes place in a warehouse it made for an easy set for the porn version. The production itself resembled what it would be like if your community theater put on their own version of "Reservoir Dogs"....well, except for the addition of sex scenes (unless you have a really avante garde local theater).

Most of the acting is passable, but the real standout in Rezervoir Doggs is Tom Byron in the role of Joe. He's so good, he could have easily played the role Lawrence Tierney had in the original film. Byron is really the only reason to see Rezervoir Doggs other than the curiosity of seeing what "Reservoir Dogs" would have been like with a primarily female cast and hardcore sex scenes. I grade the movie C-, I grade Tom Bryron A+.

Monday, November 5, 2012

The Dark Knight XXX starring Giovanni Francesco, Aiden Ashley, Brendon Miller, Brian Street Team, Penny Pax, Dani Jensen, Christy Mack, Derrick Pierce, Clarke Kent, Andy San Dimas, Tom Byron (non sex role) and directed by Axel Braun.The Plot: A supposed parody of The Dark Knight, the movie instead draws from different elements of The DC Universe. I guess I could say kudo's for trying to come up with something original for the XXX parody; but for me, after a terrific opening scene, the rest of the movie just couldn't deliver the goods.

: While The Dark Knight XXX starting promisingly with a long (almost too long even for me) plot with Batgirl being exposed as Barbara Gordon by The Joker (Brendon Miller being even creepier than the late Heath Ledger) in front of her father, Commissioner Gordon (Tom Byron
in a role that will probably be unappreciated, but he did a great piece of acting in his minor role). The Commissioner is stripped and placed in a cage naked and forced to watch his daughter have sex with The Joker to win his freedom. After the sex scene, The Joker shoots Batgirl in the back, I think mainly so the porn line, "I guess she took two in the backside" could be included.

After this great start The Dark Knight XXX deteriorated into what was basically a vignette movie with very short bits of plot followed by long sex scenes with Nightwing (Brian Street Team) and Poison Ivy (Dani Jensen), Batman/Bruce Wayne (Giovanni Francisco) and Cat Woman (Aiden Ashley), Zatanna (Christy Mack) and Constantine (played by...get this - Clarke Kent) and finally Bane (Derrick Pierce)/Cat Woman/ and Kathy Kane (Andy San Dimas).

If I had to put my finger on what the problem was with The Dark Knight XXX, I think it was the short running time of 91 minutes. With five sex scenes, this left little time for any type of story development (a requirement in a porn feature for me) and what plot there was seemed to be a hodge-podge of ideas that never coalesced into a coherent story. The reason I'm not grading The Dark Knight XXX any lower than I am is because of four things: the opening scene, Tom Byron as Commissioner Gordon, Dani Jensen's Poison Ivy costume, and Dani Jensen giving an outstanding sex performance in the film. These few elements allow me to keep The Dark Knight XXX from being graded below average and giving it a grade of C-

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Fuckenstein starring Joanna Angel, James Deen, Ramon Nomar and Ssippi (non sex role) and directed and written by Joanna Angel.The Plot: Joanna Angel's take on the classic Universal film Frankenstein with a little Bride of Frankenstein thrown in for good measure.

: I rented Fuckenstein mainly because it had Joanna Angel and James Deen and they always seem to actually enjoy having sex with each other. To my surprise, this turned out to be an enjoyable romp through the old horror classic.Fuckenstein shows what you can do with a low budget, IF you've got the talent. Joanna Angel used only two sets (the lab and a bedroom) and a very small cast: herself, Deen, Nomar and Ssippin (non sex role). It should also be noted Fuckenstein stayed true to original by being presented in black and white.

Even though I am sure some lines were ad-libbed, Fuckenstein still had a well written, intelligent script (in other words, the plot made sense) with a great sense of humor. At a running time of approximately 60 minutes, the plot and the sex both had to move along at brisk pace helping Fuckenstein outshine many of the big name parodies out today. And come on, who doesn't want to hear James Deen gleefully, maniacally yelling "It's Alive, It's Alive". I grade Fuckenstein B+

: While not the greatest of parodies, Rocky XXX is certainly better than some of the quick cash-in parodies floating around. Anthony Rosano (who I've seen in way too many parodies) shows his impressionistic ability in copying Stallone's Rocky.Andy San Dimas makes a pretty good Adrian....until she takes here clothes off and we see San Dimas' tattoos which in no way fit with the shy character of Adrian who she is portraying. Rocky XXX hits enough of the high points of Rocky 1-3 to make a credible parody. Ron Jeremy even manages to play his non-sex role as Paulie straight without his usual "wink" to the camera. The sets are very minimal, but thankfully do not detract from the story. All in all not a bad parody and I grade it a C+. If I could only have figured why it had "A Parody Thriller" in the title I might have graded it a notch higher.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Beverly Hillbillies XXX starring Kaylee Hilton, Taylor Vixen, James Bartholet, Kagney Linn Karter, Aubrey Addams, Lucy Blaze, Courtney Page, Annie Cruz, Otto Bauer, Eric John, Dana DeArmond, Ryan Driller, Haley Hewes, Gary Lee, Giovanni Francesco, Tucker Slain and directed/written by Will Ryder/Jeff MullenThe Plot: With Ellie Mae as his assistant, Jethro decides to become a casting director for the movies and he gets his own casting couch. Once Granny catches on to what's been going on, she heads back to the hills with the rest of the family following close behind her. There's also a subplot about Ellie Mae being used by a rich playboy to enable him to get at Jed's money.: It's been a while since I've watched one of Will Ryder's parodies. I've always considered him the top man when it comes to porn parodies. That being said, Beverly Hillbillies XXX had some great casting (especially Hayley Hewes as Granny), good writing (although the subplot was never really resolved), but really weak sets and some of the worst sex scenes I've seen in quite some time. Not to mention James Bartholet, a great non-sex porn actor, having a sex scene (something which definitely made me hit the FF button).If I hadn't known beforehand that Beverly Hillbillies XXX was made by Ryder, I would have just thought it was just made by someone who showed a lot of promise and might make a good feature/parody in the future. The fact that it was Ryder and he put out a movie with such a slapdash look and boring sex scenes makes me grade this one C-.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

: I've never seen Gladiator being a non-fan of Russell Crowe's, so I can't say how closely Private Gladiator recreates or mimics the original film, but I can say this film was a disaster. Going into the movie I realized it was foreign and dubbed but neither of those were a minus for me. What ruined Private Gladiator for me was the terrible plot, the terrible acting and the poor set-ups for the boring sex scenes. There was some outdoor filming and some cheap lame ass costumes (think your local Halloween store variety), but neither of these added anything to the film. I grade this one a D and I'm not real sure why I'm grading it that high.

: This is your average modern day spoof, with enough elements between the LONG sex scenes to be reminiscent of the original Jaws. There's very little here to recommend this movie other than Evan Stone's portrayal of Quint. Evan, as he usually does, "gets" his character. His strongest acting is always best when he can "ham it up", which he certainly does in This Ain't Jaws XXX (I guess you have to add the "XXX" to differentiate it from some movie called "This Ain't Jaws"...as Foghorn Leghorn would say "That's a joke son").

The only other redeeming qualities of This Ain't Jaws XXX are the lovely Lily Labeau was among the cast and the set decorations were done extremely well (Set Construction is credited to XXX Ray - no relation to Mr. X-Ray). I watched the 2-D version, so I can't comment on the 3-D aspects of This Ain't Jaws XXX, but this version definitely rates a C.

: Monique On The Sly was characterized as a feature, but it's really just five sex scenes tied together with the weakest, and I mean weakest, connection to each other. I'm a fan of Monique's (pre-implants), but I was majorly disappointed in this movie. Monique can carry a plot driven movie, especially if it's light comedy, plus keep the sex scenes interesting, but this movie failed in both aspects. I could lay these problems at the feet of Paul Thomas, but I know he's more than capable of making a plot driven adult film. Instead, I'm blaming Vivid for making a movie that would appeal more to gonzo fans and marketing it as a feature. I grade Monique On The Sly a D.

The Plot: Captain America has been frozen since the end of WWII. Now he has been thawed out and must save America from The Red Skull and Madame Hydra.

: Since I had just watched the excellent Spider-Man XXX, I thought I would take another go at a Marvel Comics Hero - this time Captain America. Unfortunately, Captain America XXX didn't live up to the previously mentioned movie. While it had its moments, there just wasn't anything to elevate it above any of the other modern day porn spoofs.

I personally thought Evan Stone was miscast in the titular role. While I'm a big fan of Evan's, I think he's much better in a role where he can "ham it up". In Captain America XXX he had to play it straight and it just didn't work for me, plus I felt he was just a little bit too short for the role.

The one reason I can think of to recommend this movie is India Summer's portrayal of Sarah Palin, it ranks right up there with Tina Fey's and Julianne Moore's. Speaking of Palin, Captain America XXX did a thorough job of "giving it" to the Republican Party and The Tea-Baggers....OOPS, I meant Tea Partiers. So, if you've got Right leaning political tendencies, this movie is probably not for you. I would normally grade this a C, but due to Summer's Palin, I"m upgrading it to a C+

Friday, May 4, 2012

The Plot: On the ride to work each member of a carpool discusses what they did over the weekend.

: As each carpool member tells their story, we get a flashback to their sex scene. A good set up for a vignette style movie. There's nothing really that great in Carpool, on the other hand, it is does have very competent actors plus the humorous writing of Jonathan Morgan. The sex scenes are of the modern day "way too long" variety. As far as your enjoyment of this movie, I think it will rely on how much feature porn you watch. If you've seen a lot, you'll find this just an average film. If you're newer to feature porn, you will probably be much more pleased. I grade it C+

: I really liked Xander Corvus as the titular character in Spider-Man XXX . I thought he made a better Spider-Man than Tobey McGuire. More great casting in Spider-Man XXX was Capri Anderson as Mary Jane, Rob Black as Jonah Jameson and Peter O'Tool as The Kingpin. Casting correctly always helps a film, but the cast also has to be able to act and there's not a weak actor in the bunch (although Peter O'Tool did falter briefly in one of his scenes). Kudos to Xander Corvus who did an outstanding job of acting, not only as Peter Parker, but also when costumed as Spider-Man.

I found it interesting Spider-Man XXX seemed to be picking up the story line between the first and second Spider-Man movies, since Peter Parker attends the funeral of Norman Osborn (The Green Goblin) and Doctor Octavious (Doc Ock) shows up at the very end of this film (a nod to Spider-Man 2). This allowed Axel Braun to create his own arc in the world of the Marvel Universe. Braun appears he may have his eye on creating more smash-ups of porn/Marvel, since the movie makes note of The Avengers, Black Widow (Hawk-eye's girlfriend) and Captain America.

There were a few minor problems with Spider-Man XXX: The special effects are pretty good in the movie with the exception of Spider-Man flying from building to building - which looked like something taken from an older video game; Tyler Knight was fine in his role, but unfortunately someone decided to spray a light top layer of gray on his hair and it just made him look odd; and several scenes in the movie had background music which overpowered the dialogue. The main flaw with Spider-Man XXX was the LONG sex scenes breaking up the flow of the narrative. The movie runs approximately 100 minutes with 80 minutes given over to sex scenes and 20 minutes to the plot. Even a 50/50 split between sex and story would have elevated Spider-Man XXX to a classic XXX parody. With the few minor flaws mentioned above, I'm still grading Spider-Man XXX an A- and it deserves that grade, if for nothing else, the porn version of the famous upside down kiss between Spidey and Mary Jane....which of course plays out a little different in Spider-Man XXX.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

BlindDate starring Kaylani Lei, Kris Slater, Randy Spears, Alektra Blue, Stormy Daniels, Barrett Blade, Briana Blair, Brynn Tyler, Brendon Miller, Alexa Nicole and directed by Stormy Daniels (who also makes a non-sex cameo in the movie).The Plot: To insure a promotion at work Kris Slater agrees to a blind date with the boss's daughter, Kaylani Lei. Neither Kris or Kaylani are very excited about the date, since they both have just ended bad relationships. They really hit it off and things are going great...until their exes show up to make theblind date turn into one disaster after another.

: Stormy has become a pretty reliable director/writer with her romantic comedies likeSleeping Around and her action comedies like Operation: Tropical Stormy. Blind Date continues in that vein and has a good opening sequence to hook you in to the storyline: Kaylani is dancing on top of a car while an apartment burns in the background, Blind Date then flashes back 36 hours to see how things got to this point.

Of course it doesn't hurt to have a great cast. The leads, Kaylani Lei and Kris Slater, both do an excellent job of carrying the movie. But it's the supporting cast who really shine in Blind Date. Barrett Blade, who has become adept at comedy is pretty darn good in the film, but comes in second to Brendon Miller, Kaylani's ex. Brendon gets some of the best lines inBlind Date and really goes all out with his character. If you don't have some laugh out loud moments with Brendon in this movie, better check for your sense of humor because you have definitely lost it. I should mention that I never could buy Randy Spears as a "redneck". It was so out of character for him I could only think I was just seeing Randy Spears trying (and failing) to act like a redneck during his scenes (and let me tell you...I know redneck....being as I am one!).

The main drawback to Blind Date is something I have found with all of Stormy's directed films....the sex scenes never generate any on-screen heat between the performers. This falls to one of two reasons I can think of....either Stormy doesn't know how to direct a sex scene (highly doubtful considering the amount of sex scenes she has appeared in over her career) OR my guess is she has been in so many sex scenes that her interest lies more in the storyline than the sex scenes. Even though here at XXX Marks The Plot I am more interested in the storyline than the sex scenes, I still want to have decent sex scenes in the films I'm watching....after all, we are talking porn here! I'm rating Blind Date a solid B.

The Plot: Kris Slater inherits Crystal Lake Nudist Camp from his grandmother. The new staff arrives on Friday The 13th to prepare for the re-opening.

: I enjoyed Official Friday The 13th Parody the first time I watched it, but after watching it a second time and skipping the sex scenes I realized it was a much better piece of movie making than I had realized on my initial viewing. Gary Orona had previously directed late night cable fare like The Erotic Traveler and Hotel Erotica and mainstream movies like The Bikini Carwash Company II plus a slew of music videos. Official Friday The 13th Parody was one of his first forays into the world of XXX featuresand it proves a point I often try to make, the director of a XXX feature is the most important element in porn features. Orona, armed with years of experience with his mainstream/soft core fare, shows a deft hand with camera shots and a knowledge of how to create suspense with music, not to mention knowing how to make a coherent plot that works from start to finish.

I only had only a few minor quibbles with Official Friday The 13th Parody: One was an inconsistency in the storyline. We're told the killer has flesh eating jism, but in one scene an arrow through the neck is used as the death device, similar to what you would have seen in the original theatrical movie. Are we to assume there are two killers? or was this just a gaffe in the storyline? Also, I found some the female co-stars in the film to be lacking in their acting ability with their talents lying more in their sexual performances. One final note about something I found sort of odd with the movie was a sequence setting up a sex scene. The trio in this scene were going to play strip Monopoly, however, the two women in the scene had been topless from the start of the movie.

I'm not going to harp on about the sex scenes being too long, but it was evident after my second viewing that they had been long enough to hurt the flow of the film. On the plus side, the sex scenes were all done in a fashion which kept them interesting and, for the most part, generated some heat on screen. Too bad they couldn't have been a little shorter and more integrated into the plot. If they had, this would have been a really great XXX feature. As it stands, I'm grading it a B+, still a decent grade and well worth watching.

Friday, January 13, 2012

The Plot: Monique is a small town girl who fantasizes about porn star Dr. Dick (Nick Manning). Her drug dealing husband (Chris Cannon) hates it when Monique watches Dr. Dick movies. When Monique witnesses her husband being killed she flips out and takes off for "Porno Land" in order to find Dr. Dick....but her husband's killers are right behind her.

: Nurse Monique is a movie that is better than it has a right to be. There are several things which are just plain bad, but there's just enough right with the movie to make it an enjoyable viewing. Most of the bad elements center around occurrences which only happen in the world of porn.

Probably, the worst problem with Nurse Monique is some/most of the sex scenes are "forced" into the plot (Hey, I know it's porn, but some logic still needs to apply). The stupidest one being when Chris Cannon has been kidnapped by a pair of mobster enforcers (Katarina Kat and Justin Magnum). Cannon takes them back to his house where he waits patiently in the bedroom while Katarina and Justin have sex in the living room. Katarina then comes into the bedroom, has sex with him and then kills him by ??? ......I won't spoil that part of the plot. Speaking of Katarina Kat her accent changes from scene to scene and sometimes within the same scene. Last, but certainly not the least thing that is wrong with Nurse Monique, is when the "fourth wall" is broken at the end of the film. It's out of place and nowhere near as clever as the director probably thought it was....then again this ain't Shakespeare we're dealing with here.

Moving on to the good elements in Nurse Monique: Justin Magnum as one of the kidnappers does an accent which makes him sound like Borat. It was such a stupid choice that it was funny to me. Next, Paul Thomas did something in Nurse Monique that I haven't seen in modern XXX features - During a fairly long driving sequence, with Monique on her way to "Porno Land", an original song played in the background. This was a nice nod to the Golden Age of Porn, with which the director Paul Thomas is very familiar. One final note on what elevated Nurse Monique for me, was Monique Alexander herself. Not only is Monique able to actually act, but she always appears to really be enjoying her sex scenes, an oddity in most XXX features. I'm not really recommending Nurse Monique to anyone, but for me, the good elements outweighed the bad and I'm rating the movie a C+