President Kennedy Living on Island with Marilyn Monroe
Former Leader Pissed at Global Trends and U.S. Shift to Left

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
October 28, 2008

In a stunning revelation on Bahamas television this morning, President John F. Kennedy issued his support for Republican presidential candidate John McCain. Kennedy, widely believed to have been assassinated in Dallas on November 22, 1963, said the murder was faked so he and Marilyn Monroe could enjoy life together on a deserted island. The former president said that current global trends and this years blatant adoption of socialism by the Democrat Party, caused him to come out of hiding so he could tell American’s it is time they pull their “collective heads out of their collective asses” and start thinking straight.

Wake up you idiots, says JFK

“I’m calling on all U.S. citizens who value peace, freedom and the American way of life, to support the only presidential candidate who has a pro-American platform by voting for Senator John McCain,” said the 91-year-old former president, looking tanned and relaxed after 45 years of islander living. “Marilyn and I went through great lengths to fake our deaths and hide out on a comfy island in the pacific, and I’d still be there enjoying the sun and living in ignorance if not for DirecTV and Fox News. I’m so pissed about the idiots running the U.S. Congress and running as Democrats for high office that I had to come out and say something. Today’s Republicans are like liberal Democrats from my day, and today’s Democrats are like old-school socialist-Marxists. Holy shit people, haven’t you been paying attention to what happens when you get socialist-Marxist government? Don’t you understand that when you people invoke ‘JFK’ and talk about my politics that you’re talking about a strong defense and moderate economic stimulus? It was Johnson who did all the ‘Great Society’ crap that cost millions, not me. I’m sick of having my initials dragged around like I was some commie. I stared down those bastards during the Cuban missile crisis. Now the guy you call a Democrat says he’s willing to sit down unconditionally with leaders of terrorist states? Wake up you crazy bastards! If you keep going the direction you’re going, you’re going to wind up where you’re headed.”

Islanders out of hiding.

Not everyone believes the speaker was really JFK. “Oswald blew JFK’s brains all over the limo seat on November 22nd in Dallas, and there’s no way he’s chatting about how crazy senator Obama’s socialist governing plans are,” said an Obama for President spokesperson, who refused to give their name or current gender. “If it actually was Kennedy, he wouldn’t have any brains to think with, and I believe you can tell from the statements the guy made, that the comments were pretty senseless. Anyone claiming to be a Democrat and says he watches Fox News is a liar. Everyone knows that NBC is the Democrat network and the only place to get proper Obamaesque talking points and dialectical arguments. Anyway, the whole notion that JFK’s politics are pertinent to this century is laughable. Nobody cares how high their taxes go or worries about defending America from its enemies. That stuff is behind us now. Everyone wants change.”

Gratuitous Picture of Island Girl

Pundits have been debating whether Senator Barack Obama’s proposed income redistribution plans and intention to cut funding to new defense platforms is the best way to strengthen and protect the United States. Some argue that the plans reflect Obama’s anti-American circle of friends and associates, and believe it to be a bad thing, while others say it’s necessary to enable fundamental change to occur.

“You can’t say you’ll change things and then stick with fundamental American economics, a pro-military defense posture or the original U.S. Constitution. Nope, in order to make real change you have to slash the military, take money from citizens who have it and give it to others, and reinterpret the Constitution. That’s real change,” said Flower Power, an aging 1960’s radical, currently in line for appointment by Obama to head either the U.S. Department of Defense or the U.S. Treasury. “When Barack says he’ll change America, he means it. Damn straight. That’s why people support him.”

Wikipedia says John Fitzgerald “Jack” Kennedy, often referred to by his initials JFK, was the thirty-fifth President of the United States, serving from 1961 until his assassination in 1963. After Kennedy’s military service as commander of the Motor Torpedo Boat PT-109 during World War II in the South Pacific, his aspirations turned political, with the encouragement and grooming of his father, Joseph P. Kennedy, Sr. Kennedy represented the state of Massachusetts in the U.S. House of Representatives from 1947 to 1953 as a Democrat, and in the U.S. Senate from 1953 until 1960. Kennedy defeated then Vice President and Republican candidate Richard Nixon in the 1960 U.S. presidential election, one of the closest in American history.

The Cuban Missile Crisis began on October 14, 1962, when American U-2 spy planes took photographs of a Soviet intermediate-range ballistic missile site under construction in Cuba. The photos were shown to Kennedy on October 16, 1962. America would soon be posed with a serious nuclear threat. Kennedy faced a dilemma: if the U.S. attacked the sites, it might lead to nuclear war with the U.S.S.R., but if the U.S. did nothing, it would endure the threat of nuclear weapons being launched from close range. Because the weapons were in such proximity, the U.S. might have been unable to retaliate if they were launched pre-emptively. Another consideration was that the U.S. would appear to the world as weak in its own hemisphere.

This is why Kennedy left politics for island living.

Many military officials and cabinet members pressed for an air assault on the missile sites, but Kennedy ordered a naval quarantine in which the U.S. Navy inspected all ships arriving in Cuba. He began negotiations with the Soviets and ordered the Soviets to remove all defensive material that was being built on Cuba. Without doing so, the Soviet and Cuban peoples would face naval quarantine. A week later, he and Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev reached an agreement. Khrushchev agreed to remove the missiles subject to U.N. inspections if the U.S. publicly promised never to invade Cuba and quietly removed US missiles stationed in Turkey. Following this crisis, which brought the world closer to nuclear war than at any point before or since, Kennedy was more cautious in confronting the Soviet Union.

Kennedy was assassinated on November 22, 1963, in Dallas, Texas. Lee Harvey Oswald was charged with the crime and was murdered two days later by Jack Ruby before he could be put on trial. The Warren Commission concluded that Oswald had acted alone in killing the president; however, the House Select Committee on Assassinations declared in 1979 that there was more likely a conspiracy that included Oswald. The entire subject remains controversial, with multiple theories about the assassination still being debated.

In other news, Gallup reported Sunday that likely voter estimates continue to show Barack Obama with a significant lead over John McCain. The traditional model estimates Obama with a 50% to 45% advantage in Oct. 23-25 polling, and the expanded model has Obama leading by 52% to 43%. Reportedly American’s are so tired of the poor performance of the Democrat Congress that they intend to give them a filibuster-proof majority so they can do whatever they want thus assuring that real change of some kind will occur; and with gas prices falling and the war in Iraq under control, voters figure a Democrat president with dictatorial powers and a socialist vision is just what the country needs to become something else. No word on how fast the real JFK is spinning in his grave, but word out of Virginia is that strong earth vibrations in Arlington National Cemetery can now be measured on the Richter scale — for the first time in history.