Dear Harlan: Can a serious relationship be started with a one-night stand? I recently had one and want it to be more. Does it have a chance?

— One Nighter

Dear One Nighter: If someone gets pregnant, it will be a long-lasting, serious relationship. If there’s lingering itching and burning, that can be serious, too.

The way to see if it’s a good relationship is to get emotionally naked during daylight hours while sober. Go on a date. See if you can have a good time without getting naked. See if you like this person. See if you trust this person. The sex part is easy.

Liking and trusting are how serious relationships happen. But a date is the best place to start.

Dear Harlan: Why is it that men, including yourself, cannot give a straight answer to the question posed by “Fantastic Single”? Her question is this: Why do men express interest in women and get their hopes up, only to come to a screeching halt?

We would really like to know. We are intelligent women. We have done everything to meet that special someone — thrown parties, asked our friends if they know anyone available, joined clubs, committees and special-interest groups, attended religious services and gone on Internet dating sites — all to no avail.

We can be upfront, reserved or aggressive. It does not matter. When we meet a man with whom we feel a connection, we become hopeful. We exchange email addresses or phone numbers, and suddenly he stops answering. We just want to know why. Why do they stop? If they are not interested, why get our hopes up? Or if they lose interest, why aren’t they man enough to say so?

If you have no explanation, just say so. Do not insult our intelligence by telling us to do the same old things over and over again. We are fantastic, not stupid.

— Fantastic in the ‘Burgh

Dear Fantastic: I gave you a straightforward, honest answer. You didn’t like it. Why does this happen? It’s for the same reasons women don’t give fantastic men what they want. Some lose interest. Some are in relationships. Some get scared, bored or are big liars. If you want to find out, ask the ones who have hurt you — if they’re willing to talk.

Truthfully, you’re better off looking in the mirror for answers. If you are doing everything right to meet someone and you’re still not getting what you want, then you need to make some changes.

Meeting the right man is as much about being in the right state of mind as it is being in the right place with the right people. Men don’t want to date someone who is bitter and distrusting of men. We want someone who is hopeful, passionate and vulnerable.

Maybe you move too fast. Maybe you expect too much too soon. Maybe you’re just meeting the wrong men. Focus on changing your approach. Change where you look, how you look, who you look with.

Doing the same old things with a fresh new attitude and new approach is not the same old thing. Right now, kind, loving and committed men are becoming single every single day. Your job is to meet them, trust them, love them and be fantastic.

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