Weather: It's gonna be hot and humid this month and air conditioning's gonna put a real strain on the electrical grid, so turn yours off. Then hang out at the air conditioned donut shop and beer store.

Yeah, and before we start I wanna point out that we don't dislike Americans or Englanders.

Bob

Englanders?

Doug

Yeah. As Canadians, we got influenced by both of you, but some of the things you do annoy us.

Bob

Okay, number one thing that annoys Canadians about Americans and Englanders.

Doug

It's not "Englanders", is it?

Bob

Well that's what you called 'em.

Doug

I think it's "British".

Bob

Oh yeah, yeah. That makes more sense. So the number one thing that annoys Canadians about American people and British people: chips.

Doug

Yeah, like neither of you can figure them out, right? I was in a restaurant in Banff like two years ago and there was guy from the US arguing with a guy from England about whether French fries should be called "chips" or potato chips should be called chips. And you know, it's not that hard to figure out, eh?

Bob

Yeah, cause ordinarily you get potato chips in a bag and they're crunchy, and...

Doug

But Englanders... sorry, British call those "crisps".

Bob

And that's okay, but when you go into a restaurant and order "fish and chips", I don't expect the crunchy ones to be on the side of the plate, I expect French fries.

Doug

Right, so figure it out from the context, eh!

Bob

And you go into a deli, right? So there if you order a sandwich with chips, you're probably gonna get crisps on the side. Like I was in this deli in Montreal once, and...

Doug

You know what else they got in Montreal?

Bob

What's that?

Doug

Poutine.

Bob

Oh yeah! So all hosers in the US and Britain and England, order poutine instead of fries or chips.

Doug

You know what poutine is, right?

Bob

Yeah.

Doug

No, I was talking to our readers.

Bob

Oh, sorry.

Doug

It's French fries, or chips if you're from England, with cheese curds and gravy on them.

Bob

Yeah, all that cholesterol is probably bad for your heart, but it balances out cause drinking one or two beers a day is good for your heart.

Doug

Wow, we must be the healthiest guys in Canada.

Bob

Yeah.

Doug

So forget fries and chips, just order poutine.

Bob

Anyway, thing that bugs us about Americans and British people number two: and it's really the same thing as number one.

Doug

Yeah. Football. We get it, there's two different sports called football, you don't have to get into arguments over them.

Bob

One's a game where the guys wear lots of padding and helmets and stuff and throw around this blimp-shaped ball and they call that football here in Canada and the US.

Doug

But the other's a game on a huge field where guys with hardly any padding run around and try to kick this ball that looks sorta like Epcot Center.

Bob

No, no. Epcot Center looks like a golf ball. These look more like soccer balls.

Doug

Um. That's cause they are soccer balls, you hoser.

Bob

Geez.

Doug

So once again, figure it out. If someone who sounds like they're from Texas is talking about football, they probably mean the game with the weird ball and helmets.

Bob

And get him some barbecue. Uh, barbecue chips.

Doug

Barbecue crisps, too.

Bob

Beauty.

Doug

Yeah, and if a guy with a British accent is talking about football, they probably mean the game with the soccer ball.

Bob

Or an even easier way. If the game is being shown on one of the major networks, it's American football. If it's being shown on ESPN Twelve or whatever, it's Rest-Of-The-World football.

Doug

Beauty. And once again, Canadian football is superior to the other two.

Bob

Right, so forget about all types of football unless it has three downs, and...

Doug

No way, Canadian football has four downs. We always punt on the third, just to be safe!

Bob

Take off! We do not! You stole that bit from SCTV's Canadian Facts!

Doug

Yeah, well we worked at that station so we should be able to steal whatever we want!

Bob

We worked there?

Doug

Yeah!

Bob

I thought we was doing it for free cause Mr. Caballero knew about those bootleg VHS tapes we was makin' on the station's video machine!

Doug

Well now everyone...

Bob

He said (doing his best Guy Caballero impression) "you hosers bring in lots of advertising dollars so I'm not going to fire you, but from now on you'll be working for peanuts! Eh-heh-heh-heh!"

Okay, this article is for all hosers in Canada and other parts of the world who get beers brewed by Brick Brewing Company! Go down to your local Beer Store and get a twelve of Red Cap Ale. Not only do you get beer in stubbies, but also one of six "Two-Four Anniversary Edition" clear stubby bottles showcasing our finest hoser moments, eh! The anniversary bottles will be available all summer long, so go get some now to display next to the good china, eh!

CANADIAN CONTENT CERTIFICATIONTHIS ONLINE NEWSPAPER IS CERTIFIED 100% CANADIAN CONTENT BY THE CANADIAN CULTURAL IDENTITY COMMISSION.

The Hoser

My main page, with news related to a bunch of Canadian comedies, including SCTV and The Red Green Show. There's also sound clips from both of those, plus an online newspaper, The Hoser, "written" by Bob and Doug McKenzie.

Contact Bob

Send me your questions or comments about anything on the site to codorjan@gmail.com. I'll try to reply within a few days of receiving the message, but make sure you tell me what page you're talking about.