CSUN’s crime blotter: Spring pre-gaming, while the trash burns

The thing the crime log can teach you about life is that although CSUN is an amazing institution that can lead extraordinary people to living better lives, they, like everyone else, are still just a bunch of scoundrels.

Below are the reasons why no matter how done up and talked up someone’s credentials are at CSUN, they probably are just as ratchet as you deep inside.

Without further adieu, here is this week’s crime blotter.

Alcohol and Drug Crimes:

There was a bunch of violations last week, which means CSUN students are back on the sauce and operating at full capacity again. I think it would be harder for students to get faded if there weren’t some of the greatest liquor stores/superstores in the world, located within a mile radius of school. Blame Total Wine and Bevmo, also Vons and that little liquor store next to it.

Annoying Electronic Communication:

Last Monday, someone called the Sierra Tower a million times and the person that had to deal with it ended up calling the cops. Wouldn’t it be cool if you could do this to telemarketers, or thirsty one-time dates who just can’t seem to take a hint?

Arson:

Arson is one of those words that sounds really dramatic and exciting when it’s flashed on a respectable news outlet, but at CSUN it’s a different story. Here on campus, it probably just means some kid lit a bag of dog crap on fire, or some burnout hit his bong wrong and blew up his dormitory along with his stash and decided to file a police report about it.

Last Tuesday, a trashcan was found smoldering in the G3 parking lot around 8 p.m. It looks like some kind soul tried to douse out the fire. Thanks random person, you’re a hero to trash cans and dumpster divers everywhere.

Car Crimes:

If you were ever wondering if it is possible to be both a nice guy and an asshole at the same time, then you’re question has been answered.

On Friday someone hit a skateboarder near Prairie Street and Matador Road with their car, and then got out to help them, but then fled the scene before police arrived. Ok?

Offensive Words:

How many times time do you people have to be told to watch your filthy, scum ridden mouths in public? You can’t go around screaming awful things at people and expect to get away with it like the person Saturday near the Art and Design center did.

For fuck’s sake, do you need to have your mouth washed out with soap everyday? Life isn’t the Sundial Crime Blotter and you can’t go around cussing whenever you want because it might offend people.

Theft Crimes:

Years ago there was a commercial on one of those weird-late-night channels for a flamethrower that could be installed on a car as a defensive measure against carjacking. They should make something like that for bicycles at CSUN because there is never going to be a week where a bike does not get stolen at CSUN.

In all, there were four bicycle-related thefts reported last week. What you never hear of are skateboard or scooter thefts. Yeah, it’s a lamer mode of transportation, but at least it won’t get stolen. You’ll probably just get hit by a car.

Last week also saw a million other thefts involving iPads, cell phones, and backpacks. No turtles were hijacked last week, which is nice to know, but they’re still stealing from everyone and being as ratchet as they can about it.

Vandalism:

Stop writing stupid crap on things that aren’t yours. How many times has the Crime Blotter commanded this of you now? Coloring outside of the lines was never a thing to be proud of, so stop doing it.

Consensus:

It seems ya’ll are just gearing up for Spring Break. Have a good one and please don’t burn down the school in the process. Go to your parents’ house.