Donkey Douche Jail Updates

For those following the fascinatinglegaltroubles of legendary douchebag and Hall of Scrote member Donkey Douche, Magnum Douche, P.I. writes in with an undercover investigation update on everyone’s favorite monosyllabic grunt:

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Hey DB1,

Sorry, can’t submit a pic with a hott but I got one of a world-renowned douche courtesy of The Missouri Dept of Corrections.

Looks like dumbass got busted in Missouri before his Chicago area drug bust and according to some court records I found online, his current probation with them is in jeapordy of being yanked.

When he gets out of prison in 2025, he’ll write a transmedia property about how he has reformed and deserves our forgiveness – the Donkster will be everywhere, ubiquitous. By then Rihanna will have replaced Oprah, and he will hawk his properties on her show. From there he will make enough money to start flipping properties in Pennsylvania as NYC and NJ go under water. Then he’ll sell interior decorations for FEMA eco-refugee camp tents, and marry a Brenda Bleetha who’s presently in 5th grade in Bakersfield. He will be famous for being famous like the anus that he is. He will become the spokes model for AXE body spray.

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“Hi! You know me – Donkey Douche. When I need to hide the acrid odor of prison butt fucking, I use AXE body spray! A foosh foosh here, and a foosh foosh there, and bingo – the ladeeeeez will never know my prison nickname… CORNHOLIO!!!!”

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With the Central Valley of California filling up with Ocean water, his wife’s family flees to Tehachapi. There, he holes up with the Bleethas and the horrible snotty faced horde he and Brenda have spawned. As he ages, he will look back and not really think of much of anything except his cellmate, Bubba. They called him Bubba the Butt Bandit, but to the Donkster, he was “Jimmy Third Leg” with the magic peen, who taught him the arts of blue love.

If I had a backyard with acres of pot plants here in the big Canada, just sayin’, I would get off with a fine of a few grand and an order to not grow pot in my yard again. Donkey Douche has been making me ill for years, however, and I think he needs solitary. And by solitary, I mean he and aliens exist in area guarded by the brute in the reverse-engineering department under Roswell.

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One night kind of like tonight I couldn’t sleep and had to smoke a face-mask bong full of the weed-de-jour. Weed-de-jour I says. I bet that has never been typed before. I think my French is correct but it may be “du” instead of “de”. That means “of” you stupid good-looking GI Joes, eh.

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So I’m way deep in the field that night and see some crazy shit flying around. So since I watch the stars with X-ray lenses in my bong I begin to pass out. The world spinning before me in a joyful delirium. I woke to a gentle prodding, The kind of anal probing you usually only get from a Quebecoise chick, particularly upscale stripper/ hookers paying their way through school. I woke up and thought fuck Rev Chad you have to stop smoking such strong weed. To my amusement I did awake to a room full of Quebecoise hookers in a jacuzzi in a shabby room in Ottawa at the gay hotel.

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So I got two girls licking my ass and two kicking by balls and two sucking my coccks. I’m having a great time and the chicks are dirty. Lesbians to my left and right with a gravity fed hose from a Drambuie keg feeding our drunken bloodlust like a Crusader cutting up a Muslim. Fucking Jews were supposed to smote the Phillistines three thousand years ago but they dropped the ball and my church had to do finish the job. They pussied out too the boy bangers,

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A few dozen Vicodin? Dark Sock and Vin eat those for breakfast. I’d like to go to a Chick-Fil-A one day for breakfast but they don’t put them up this far north cause of the GHEYS. So while these chicks, and they were perfect, were sucking my cocck and licking my ass and sucking my balls I woke up. They weren’t chicks, they were fucking aliens and don’t let nobody tell ya it doesn’t happen. I knew I didn’t have two cocks and it was near impossible for two chicks to get their tongues between my tight buff cheeks. So I waked up tp this shit and told them not to stop.

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The Donkster busted the door open and took the aliens, So here I am waking up from two dreams about aliens and French chicks with no clothes on and a forceps in my urethra. I pull the urethra forceps out and walked in bare feet unseen back to the plantatio. Mrs. Kroeger asked me where I had been and I told her I saw an image of the Donk and left unconsiously from a mysterious airbase. Again! She says.

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I use her old body to get rid of my erection that lasted for more than four months and called my physician.

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11:25 pm November, 26Chris in 'Baghdad said...

This is news and then again it is not news. Donk is a perennial loser, a misfit, a criminal (although a petty one it seems). I think the silver lining here is that when he does some real jail time he can do one of those jailhouse college things, where they give him English classes for free. He might then be able to construct a correct sentence in writing. Or maybe not.

3:33 am November, 27Guid is Good said...

Donk on big fella !

5:12 am November, 27DoucheyWallnuts said...

Nobody straddles the line of incoherence and brilliance like the Rev Chad. Nobody, I tells ya! I wanna alien 5-some penile/rectal probing. I gotta plan me a trip to the Great White Nord.