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Monday, December 31, 2007

Can you believe that tomorrow is 2008? I, for one, cannot. I am still wondering where 2007 is. As I sit here and think about a new year, I reflect about the year that is closing and try to remember if I did everything thing that I was supposed to. Did I do all the things that I wanted to? Did I do any of them?

Let's see...

Did I spend enough time with my family? Well, we homeschool so there was lots of time. But what kind of time was it? Was it time that was full of listening and understanding sprinkled with grace and love? Was it time that was spent really getting to know each of my family members and who God made them to be? Was it sweet time of quiet and rest? Or was it time teaching them life lessons seasoned with wisdom and knowledge given by the Giver of all good things?

Did I accomplish something important this year? Hmmm. What do you mean by important? Did I cure some disease, or feed the hungry, or house the poor? Did I bring about world peace? Did I make lots of money and build up my empire? Did I listen to the heart of my children when they were in trouble and needed help? Did I listen to the heart of my husband during a fight?

Did I acquire enough things? Are you talking about a new widescreen t.v.? Or maybe new shoes and a matching purse? Are you talking about new furniture? A new house? A new car? A new wardrobe? Did I acquire love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control? Did acquire a deep and abiding love for the Word?

Did I have enough me time to figure out who I was and what I want? Did I pass up opportunites to minister to someone because I just needed some down time? Did I miss the golden moment with someone ready to accept Jesus because it was my turn to pamper myself. Did I figure out who I was only to realize that I didn't like who I became? Did I figure out that what I want isn't anything that I have? Did I ask the One who made me to figure out who I was?

I am afraid that I would have to say no to a great many of these questions. I can look back on the year and decide that I didn't do enough, say enough, get enough and be upset by it. Or I can be realistic and see what I did right and what I did wrong weighed by the Word and pray for wisdom for the upcoming year.

I would love to make resolutions that are grand and glorious. Ones that would impress everyone. The fact is, I can't. Well, I could actually. I could think of some wonderful things to say, they just wouldn't happen. My Maker knows me and He knows that I would probably not follow through on those things with any kind of meaning. They would be just a check mark on a page. So, I think that for this year I am going to keep it simple. I am going to endeavor to fall more in love with my Saviour. If I can do that then all the rest of those things that I am 'supposed' to do will fall in line and happen.

Do I know what those 'supposed to' things are? Well, I can venture a pretty good guess about a lot of them. I guess I will just have to read my Bible and start figuring it all out.

Friday, December 28, 2007

If you have visited my blog before you have noticed that it is rather boring on the sidebars! That is because I know nothing about how to change it as is very obvious by my last post! But, thanks to an online friend, Lisa from SHS, I DID IT!!! I can now, maybe, change and add some more things to my blog. When I get the time!

I freely admit that I am a computer dork! I can barely type a letter in Word without screaming at the computer for doing something that I didn't want it to!! Seriously. I do not understand why Word takes things and makes them into bullet points when I just want a simple list of things. Aren't computers supposed to do what I tell them to? Well, they don't. Not by a long shot!!!

Now, here is my problem. I wanted to join a group of fellow homeschoolers on an adventure during the new year where I would post a picture EVERYDAY of the year. Big challenge for me, right? But I really want to go for it. So, I signed up and then it tells me that I have to go down to this little box thingie and right click and Select All. THEN, I have to click on copy and go and insert it into the 'CORRECT PLACE' in the HTML code on my blog. That is the funniest thing I have EVER heard in my life.

First of all, what is an HTML code and why do I have one, am I supposed to have one and what does it do? Where is is located - oh, there it is. COW DOG! What are all those letters and funny shapes in that box? I can't read any of it. Is it English? It can't be, can it? Okay, maybe it is; but, how do I know where to put this little code thingie that is now hovering in the nowhere land of my computers Select All/Copy/Paste place?

I am scared! Do people really mess with all of these symbols and strange words? They must because I have seen some of their blogs and they are soo cool! I want to be cool, too! :))

Alas, I am afraid that it is my lot in life to be a true computer illiterate who is afraid that her computer really is out to get her and is just waiting for her to try something new so it can mess with my mind! :)

Saturday, December 22, 2007

I will just put it out there at the beginning and I hope you will forgive my honesty.

I am struggling. There I said it. It's out there for everyone to read.

I am not usually a person to struggle in this way. I have seen some very tough things in my life and God has always seemed to protect my heart through it all. But, now, it seems that this is going to be allowed to burden my heart and make it heavier than I have ever known it.

As I write, it seems so trivial. I read other accounts of people who have very ill children and I think that I am being a wimp and then I don't say anything about it. But, as you can see, I haven't written in a while and it is because I am...depressed.

It started about three months ago when I started gaining all the weight back that I had lost. I was exercising and eating right and still gained about 20lbs. The Dr. visit came next that said that my thyroid levels and my calcium levels were wrong. So, they upped my medicines and off I went. Then, while I was seeing the Dr. for something totally unrelated, he dropped the bombshell on me. Hypocalcemia/Hypoparathyroidism is a life-long chronic problem. He said that at 6 months out from surgery, someone would have about a 5% chance of recovery. However, since I am going on a year and a half, there was no chance of recovery and now we go to survival mode. I didn't ask any questions, I just tried to get out of there before I started blubbering like an idiot. I did that on the way home and on the phone with dh.

Now, for some of you who don't have any idea what I am talking about, I will give you a very brief idea. I had my thyroid out in August of '06 and somehow my parathyroid glands were jostled and shocked. The parathyroid glands control the levels of calcium in your body(blood calcium) and when they don't work right, you don't store calcium you just use it up and then are depleted. What happens after that is very painful and debilitating.

When you don't have enough calcium in your muscles, they don't work right. They start contracting and they don't stop until the body pulls calcium from somewhere else in your body. So, the muscles contract and that causes the hands to curl around on themselves and the arms to curl up on the body rendering them useless. The toes can curl up or down depending on which way they were used last. The neck can pull down and forward, or to either side, or to the back. The face can also contort into unrecognizable features. The jaw can also lock open or shut. All the while the muscle feels like it is in a perpetual charlie-horse. It is very painful and after it is over you feel like you have been working out for a week and the muscles are sore and tired.

I have tried to have a good attitude about all of this when it has happened in public; but, people look at you differently when your hand is curled up and looks gnarly or your face is in a constant angry stare. It is very hard to drive with out the use of your fingers and the tag office will not sign your check even if your hand is cramping so hard that you can't get the pen out of it for an hour after using it at their office.

I digress! This has been going on for a year and a half and I think that I have dealt with it pretty well until now. Now when there seems to be no hope of any relief. I am not in despair. To despair is to turn one's back on God. I am not there, yet. I am sinking deeper into wanting to stay home and be by myself and around my dh and kids who will not look at me weird or with looks of pity in their eyes when the crisis is happening. I am starting to pull away from people and trying to guard myself from them. I don't really want to, it is just easier than dealing with people feeling sorry for me. Logically, I can see that they are people who care and want to help. But, my heart is embarrassed and angry.

I am not very good at asking people for help. I will usually do things on my own rather than bother someone else. It is very hard for me to admit that I can not do something and even harder to impose on someone else. I am struggling.

I am out of words at the moment. My heart is heavy with concern at the effect this is having on the kids and especially with the way I am handling it. I know that there are opportunities for them to grow and learn more about God and His provision---I am just not there, yet.

If you see me on the street, I will tell that things are fine. If you push, I will tell you about some other things that are going on right now. But, I will not share this with you right now. It is just too tender and raw.

Just because someone says that all is going well doesn't mean that it is. We should listen to the Holy Spirit and lift those people up when He prompts.

Enough of my whining. I have some great pictures of school, our Christmas tree, and other things, I just can't find the cable to connect the camera to the computer!!! So, when I find it I will post them. :)

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Mom went to the concert and she LOVED it!! Yeah. :) They did the 'old' stuff at the beginning of the concert and then they changed the set and did Christmas the second half. She was quite impressed that they read from the Bible and didn't edit out any words about God of Jesus. I was in tears as she was telling me about it. I am so glad that we were finally able to do that for her.

The Starfish Story

While walking on the beach one day, I saw a Starfish by the shore. And everywhere I looked it seemed, I saw a thousand more. Then what to my surprise appeared? A boy of nine or ten. And as the Starfish washed ashore, he threw them back again. "One Starfish won't make a difference son; You can't change this situation." He stooped and picked up one more Starfish, then looking right at me, "I can make a difference for this one, sir" and returned it to the sea. So I went and gathered all my friends, my brothers and my cousins. We joined in with that little boy and saved Starfish by the dozens. There are still many to be rescued-many "Starfish" on life's shore. And you can make a difference too...by saving just one more. C.C. Milbrandt