I don't know, I mean how can I know what to do, when I can't really even understand what stems from childhood sexual abuse and what stems from being viciously bullied in school, or from having alcoholic parents, ect. ect. What is the root of my problems, and even if I know the root, what the fuck am I supposed to do to get better? How do I recover, how do I function like the regular person in society. What do I have to do to make my social phobia go away, how can I learn to trust people? How do I stop myself from pushing people away out of fear. I talk and I talk and I talk, but how do I know for myself if I'm getting any better? I don't know what to do, but I want to start doing SOMETHING. I need to start living, but how can I do that when going outside terrifies me. It makes no sense how I can want something so bad, but I'm too terrified to even go after it, or even to have it. Like friendship, love, purpose. I'm sick of it. I'm beginning to wonder if even the psychs know what to do. All I ever do is talk. Talk talk talk talk talk and fucking talk, 4 years worth of talking and I still never have enough time in an hour to talk. And it feels like it's getting me nowhere. I'm losing hope, I need something to hope for, and not just waiting to feel better as if something as simple as "time heals all wounds". How do I heal from the experiances of childhood sexual abuse? What am I supposed to do? What will make my dreams go away, the flashbacks stop, and all the other shit go too. So I can be comfortable with myself, so I can be any sort of stable. So I don't fear every next move. I want to live life not hide in fear. I feel crippled, and it's embarassing, I'm inable to do simple things, and all I have to explain to people is something that sounds like complete ludacris to them. How can they understand that I just can't do certain things, when outwardly I appear perfectly healthy. It's like an invisible illness, nobody believes me, they just think I'm lazy, or making shit up to get out of doing things. Or when I keep backing out of plans with friends cause even I don't really know why. It's like a wall of fear I can't quite describe. I can't stand it. It makes me feel so horrible.

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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

I don't know, I mean how can I know what to do, when I can't really even understand what stems from childhood sexual abuse and what stems from being viciously bullied in school, or from having alcoholic parents, ect. ect. What is the root of my problems, and even if I know the root, what the fuck am I supposed to do to get better?

Its not all about the sexual abuse. We are built up of many individual components and they all shape us, some more than others; but its never just one thing, its a combination of things. When you put all these things together, there is this negative synergy which for me; exemplifies everything else. I too have the experiences you listed, those mine would be different; but I consider each one of them rocks alone. Alone, I think I can handle them if it was just that one rock, but its not; its a collection of rocks that when they start moving; they form an avalanche of rhetorical questions, doubt and a whole host of other thoughts and feelings.

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How do I recover, how do I function like the regular person in society. What do I have to do to make my social phobia go away, how can I learn to trust people? How do I stop myself from pushing people away out of fear. I talk and I talk and I talk, but how do I know for myself if I'm getting any better? I don't know what to do, but I want to start doing SOMETHING. I need to start living, but how can I do that when going outside terrifies me. It makes no sense how I can want something so bad, but I'm too terrified to even go after it, or even to have it. Like friendship, love, purpose. I'm sick of it. I'm beginning to wonder if even the psychs know what to do. All I ever do is talk. Talk talk talk talk talk and fucking talk, 4 years worth of talking and I still never have enough time in an hour to talk. And it feels like it's getting me nowhere. I'm losing hope, I need something to hope for, and not just waiting to feel better as if something as simple as "time heals all wounds".

How do you recover? You know how, you're doing it for one. This frustrating process of waiting is like hoping someone would flick a switch, and things would suddenly change. But the cold hard fact of this mindset behaves exactly like a giant hole in the ground, a deep dark hole. You could spend a whole lot of time climbing out, but in a few effortless seconds; you can fall right back down to the bottom. So what do we do? Well, for one we need safety harnesses and walk ways so we can at least take a breather as we are working through these issues. For you and me, that means taking a break from this. Consider the 'wax on' and 'wax off' mentality, just like in the Karate Kid. By all means, wax on my friend; tackle those issues with enthusiasm, but remember to wax off; take a break. Recovery from anything involves focusing your concious mind on things that are healthy, safe and enjoyable to do.

You know what you must do, you have wrote all the answers and you do mention that you talk. Let me ask, what has kept you going to this point? What do you get out of bed for? And I aint talking about your job, your cat, close family or friends; I'm talking about YOU man - what causes YOU to wake up and do anything for yourself?

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How do I heal from the experiances of childhood sexual abuse? What am I supposed to do?

That depends 100% on you, no one else. Doesn't matter if you got the best treatment, medication, friends, family or none of it all. It is you and you're mind that deciedes what is relevant today and what is correct for you. Look at how you approach any issue and you will start to see what drives you.

As for what you are supposed to do; you're doing it. Keep going.

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What will make my dreams go away, the flashbacks stop, and all the other shit go too. So I can be comfortable with myself, so I can be any sort of stable. So I don't fear every next move. I want to live life not hide in fear. I feel crippled, and it's embarassing, I'm inable to do simple things, and all I have to explain to people is something that sounds like complete ludacris to them. How can they understand that I just can't do certain things, when outwardly I appear perfectly healthy. It's like an invisible illness, nobody believes me, they just think I'm lazy, or making shit up to get out of doing things. Or when I keep backing out of plans with friends cause even I don't really know why. It's like a wall of fear I can't quite describe. I can't stand it. It makes me feel so horrible.

EMDR is quite effective for flashbacks, as is a whole host of talking therapies. My own advice for flashbacks and dreams is to write everything down, as much as you are able. Then when you are feeling in a good state; imagine the dream/flashback dialogue you wrote earlier was a letter a friend sent you; write back.

I relate to many of the things you stated and for me I learned that only by coming out of my comfort zone will things get easier.

Don't make the mistake of thinking there is one single thing you need to do to get better, there aint. You have to work on all aspects of the things in your life that makes you unhappy.

You know what you must do, you have wrote all the answers and you do mention that you talk. Let me ask, what has kept you going to this point? What do you get out of bed for? And I aint talking about your job, your cat, close family or friends; I'm talking about YOU man - what causes YOU to wake up and do anything for yourself?

What do I get out of bed for? Um, it's really very simple. I have just a few things that get me out of bed. It's just small hopes, the hope of finding someone to spend the rest of my life with. Finding my soulmate I suppose. Hope, I once said when I was suicidal to a friend, all I need is something to hope for, just one thing. Hope keeps me going, the hope I might one day be stable and confident in who I am, and to be able to love and be loved without feeling like running away. So many days it feels like I'm lying to myself to keep going, I'm falsifying improbable hopes so I don't just fall into some dismal abyss. But I guess somewhere inside I truly believe I can come to that point. It's like a date I know will come, and I must stay alive to witness it happen. Like one day vaguely, I don't know when, but one day, I'll feel a purpose for being here. But that moment isn't now, and it must be coming, so I keep waiting. Not just waiting for it to happen, because in a sense I suppose that could be foolish, but waiting for the motivation. Waiting for the spark inside me to catch fire, waiting for the perfect storm so to speak that will ignite everything to come. I won't see it coming, I don't know when it will be, but one day I figure I'll find myself at this point, not even realizing it, but pausing for a moment to realize my hopes are here already. Looking back to see it was all worth living to come to. It's not so much I believe that it's going to happen, but I believe it has to happen, it just has to. Maybe that's enough, I don't know. But for the time being, I'm senseless, directionless, I can't see the full picture, I'm confused... For now.

_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

Well it takes work and does not happen overnight. Alcoholic parents? alanon will help you very much, theripy and taking risks. All it takes is willingness to try new things and willingness to take risks. Like going to meetings, theripy with an open mind.

_________________________
There is the Thinker and with meditation, the one who watches the Thinker. Get to know the one who watches the thinking. The mind is inherantly pure, we can always go there. An empty mind is a ready mind, it is ready for anything.

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