Crumbs
of doughnut cascaded into my lap as I sped down the highway,
bleary-eyed from lack of sleep and on hour twelve of driving on my
spontaneous quest to see wild horses and make it back in time to take
a Kitty Hawk flight lesson.

My
New Years Plan, ever since turning 18, had simply been to leave, to
get out of wherever I had been before. A loose definition that could
mean leaving my house but usually meant leaving my state.

In
2018, the need to leave led me nine hours east to the Outer Banks of
North Carolina, and then seven hours north from there on the next day
to chase the wild Assateague horses in Virginia and Maryland before
ending in Delaware. I spent an additional two hours exploring
abandoned houses and coastline, only to embark on a seven hour drive
back to the Outer Banks to try my hand at hang gliding.

The
premise of my trip was to try to control my fear and my worries to
discover something new, though at first glance it just appears like a
strange form of punishment to drive 30+ hours in 3 days all alone.

I
was a young woman traveling entirely in solitude, and there was a
certain amount of doubt that clung over me that sounded, eerily, like
my mother’s voice. I checked all locked doors and tried to
limit my time out at night, but limiting was difficult.

I
arrived at the Outer Banks well past dark on my first day. The ocean
at night is an irresistible lure. The waves crashing upon a shore
that I’ve never seen before, their foam spewing fresh salt into
the air. I found myself alone on the beach, wanting to venture out
and explore, but also wanting to return to safety.

I
battled this dynamic frequently. Having considered myself a
historically timid girl, I longed to grow in my confidence, but I
wanted to be as safe as possible, and I found it difficult to strike
a balance. I existed outside of my comfort zone in some ways but
still inside in others. In hindsight, everything I did while I was
alone on that trip helped solidify my confidence on my own. I needn’t
have tried to do anything more or worry if I was doing enough. There
was no burden to carry, though I constantly imagined one.

Besides
embarking on this trip alone, I also vowed to not use my phone to
check texts or phone calls. My phone would be strictly for GPS and
posting the occasional update so no one would worry.

In
the absence from the constant stream of news and messages, I found a
new silence to sit with, one with which I wasn’t already
familiar. It felt uncomfortable at first, and my legs jittered with
an anxious energy. It is odd to sit with yourself in the absence of
the comforting presence of people inside of a phone, especially
during a time when I typically would travel with others. The
juxtaposition at times grated me, and all I could do was turn my
music up a little louder, try to sing with the song even if I felt
like crying.

I
felt broken-hearted when I left on the trip, still reeling from the
loss of a previous relationship and struggling to find my place with
new people. Though travel seems like the perfect solution for a
broken heart, the forced solitude causes the unrecovered heartbreak
to feel even more jagged. I felt the sharp edges prick my insides
with unwanted memories tied to a specific song or intrusive memory.
The hours in the car felt even more weighted, and I began to doubt
the power of a road trip.

For
the first time in my road trip experience, I debated returning home.

There
was too much time to second guess and let my emotions swirl around
me. There was no one to save me, no one to decide for me, and all I
could do was wait for the chaos of my emotions to settle around me
and attempt to keep going forward. The sun set around me, and I
carried on.

When
I pulled into my airbnb for the night, a simple private room in
someone’s house, I felt like a teenager sneaking around, as I
tried my hardest to stay silent even when I fumbled with the
unfamiliar keys.

The
room was beautiful with lights that cast an amber glow, making
everything felt warm, like stepping into a sepia photograph. I pulled
out my bag of books and laid them across the bed, five or six of my
journals, one fiction novel, two books of poetry: all books I thought
would be helpful for my spiritual solitude over these few days.

(I
ended up hardly reading any, but books provide good support to weight
down the second half of the bed.)

The
door groaned open when I peeked outside to find the bathroom. It was
down the hall, split between the kitchen where a radio droned on and
the living room where a hallmark movie fought for space. I don’t
think anyone was down there, but it felt like home to me.

In
the morning, I woke up before the sunrise. It was officially New
Years Eve, and I already had plans for a day trip. To most of my
friends, driving seven to fifteen additional hours away from a place
you drove nine hours to the day before would not be a day trip.
Luckily, I had no one to contend with, except my own exhaustion, to
which I paid little mind.

I
began at the beach, watching the soft lavender sea burn red as the
sun rose. The drive north along the Outer Banks was spectacular even
under the grey mask of winter. It was scenic in its subtlety, the
road straight and continuously flowing, seeming almost naturally
bright along the edges from the warm sun shining down. I treated
myself to a classic road trip staple for me, Dunkin’ Donuts,
and continued with my morning. My playlists for solo trips were
mostly upbeat, sometimes even verging on annoying, to keep my morale
high for endurance driving.

On
previous road trips, I occupied my time with calling friends, but I
still felt that my mind needed some silence. I let myself become
enveloped in the quest at hand. I had decided the night before as I
fought for sleep at 3 a.m. that I would venture north to see the wild
Assateague horses. Even better, I’d chosen a route that would
take me under the Chesapeake Bay-Bridge Tunnel, an engineering marvel
where the highway actually runs beneath the water.

I
loved every second of the drive as I sped into the water on a tall
bridge, seagulls flying directly by my drivers side window. Then,
gradually, I submerged, and though the tunnel felt normal by all
accounts, I couldn’t help but feel a bit like an aquatic
explorer in my custom submarine.

Eventually,
I made it to the beach where the wild horses were supposed to gather,
my eyes scanning every inch of land. I saw nothing but marshy green
grass nestled beneath trees on the edge of the beach.

Then,
something moved out of the corner of my eye. I turned to catch it,
cursing my bad eyesight, before the vision swam into view. As my car
ascended over the cusp of a hill, I noticed two beautiful copper
horses in the marshy grass. I marveled aloud to myself in the car and
anxiously sought parking but found none, having seen the horses from
a busy main road. I drove the rest of the swirling park road and
thought about those horses, freely roaming.

I
found parking and decided to wander. The overcast day created fresh
vibrancy on the marshy beaches below as I navigated puddles on the
board walks. At one gravel walkway, I found a clue.

There,
in the middle, sat a pile of horse poop. It looked recent, and I
giggled at my joy at seeing this little clue. To me, it just meant I
had a better chance of catching horses, so I snapped a picture and
continued on my way.

The
more I walked, the more I felt like myself, overcome with joy at
being alone and being happy anyway. Nature is helpful that way.

I
never did see more horses, but I did drive in loops to keep stealing
glances at the horses from the first marsh. Throughout the park, I
followed signs that gave information about the horses and pulled up a
website where you can even track their latest movements. Still, with
no further clues and the day getting late, I had to leave to head
back to my Outer Banks home soon.

“Bye,”
I said aloud to the horses, and it felt good to break the silence
around me, even if I was the only one who could hear.

The
drive home felt like a marathon. The exhaustion I had denied earlier
now descended over me, and I screamed along to old pop music to try
to overcome. The power of pop and punk is no match for driving
exhaustion.

Coming
“home” to the airbnb that night felt like docking at a
port after a storm. It felt late, but in the dark of winter it was
only 7 p.m. Five hours until the New Year. I rested, journaled, and
got myself dressed up to head into the city for a New Year's Eve
celebration. I read online that there was a town celebration just 45
minutes away.

I
felt brand new after a change of clothes and a new playlist to drive
into the city at night. I found myself excited at the prospect of
celebrating with strangers while still being all my own.

The
town greeted me fondly, narrow streets with holiday lights strung up,
and open parking by a beautiful bridge. People scattered across the
bridge and the banks, looking outward and over the water. Lights
blinked above the rooftops and muffled music leaked out from behind
them as I weaved my way toward the center. I was surprised to find
people of all ages, with friends or siblings or partners, and
everyone smiled.

I
danced by myself to some music and delighted in being alone. My
notorious self consciousness faded away in the magic of a moment I
had created myself. I had traveled all the way here and made it
happen just because I had dreamed it would. Like my other travels,
this was proving to me how powerful I could be with the right amount
of open-mindedness and exhaustion denial. And when the fireworks
ultimately rained across the sky, I didn’t even mourn that I
had no one to kiss at midnight. I delighted in racing off before the
other crowds could catch up, onward to my next adventure.

I
sang all the way back before landing at the beach, spending the first
hours of my new year reflecting on my gratitude beneath the stars.
When I closed my eyes that night, the images of the last few days
burned on my eyelids, so much driving, the waves as I drove beneath
them, the horses as they explored the marshes, the stars that felt
like they appeared just for me that night.

I
had planned to drive the nine hours back west to my home - another
place I would end up leaving more permanently in only a few short
months - but I wanted to squeeze every last drop of my trip. I
couldn’t leave the location of the first ever flight by the
Wright Brothers without paying homage in some way.

It
was only a five minute drive down the road before I found myself in
a plastic chair in a sunlit-classroom, beads of sweat bubbling behind
my knees. It was chilly outside, but I found myself nervous and
excited. I was going hang gliding at the famous Jockey’s Ridge
sand dunes.

After
a couple hours learning the history and basics, we took to the dunes.
I was handed a helmet that looked like Evel Knievel’s, and I
reveled in my classmates’ joking comparisons of me to him. I
had always been the girl that was too scared to go above 5 miles per
hour on a jet ski, I was still the girl who hated roller coasters.

But
on my own, I wanted to prove to myself that I was strong, that I
could try new things. I found myself in a group with two families. We
chatted happily as we walked out to our fly point, walking slowly
across bright sand dunes, a hint of deep blue water in the distance.

I
flitted in and out of polite entries into the families’
conversations, and I found myself growing invested in the lives of
this one mother daughter duo. Recently divorced, the mom had decided
to make travel and road tripping with her daughter a priority to give
her a source of fun and adventure for her whole life. I marveled at
her daughter, wishing I had traveled earlier on in my own life.

We
took turns strapping in to take off for a brief flight. Though it was
a beginners’ course, the few moments spent in the air were ones
that sparked a source of gratitude I continuously dive into. When I
first leapt into the air, the mom I had been speaking to snapped some
photos. I felt a strange sense of family, even if only for this
moment.
We
arranged for her to share the photos over email, even leaving with
the promise of perhaps seeing each other in our home states sometime,
one travelers’ promise to another. I did end up asking if I
could park my car at her place in New Jersey during a future trip,
but our schedules ended up falling through last minute.

Immediately
afterward, I scrubbed the sand haphazardly from my feet and leapt
into my car. It was time to return back to society.

The
drive back was the most grueling nine hours yet, not wanting to leave
what I viewed as my newfound independence and battling the remaining
embers of heartbreak that are too hard to shake out.

Though
I arrived home with quite a well of sleep deprivation, I fell asleep
smiling, ever more comfortable in my own skin than I had been before.
I had battled my own mind’s attempts to make me sad, minor
inconveniences and exhaustion, the chilly winter ocean water - all on
my own. I fell asleep with the knowledge that I had accomplished a
beautiful feat for myself.

Crumbs
of doughnut cascaded into my lap as I sped down the highway,
bleary-eyed from lack of sleep and on hour twelve of driving on my
spontaneous quest to see wild horses and make it back in time to take
a Kitty Hawk flight lesson.

My
New Years Plan, ever since turning 18, had simply been to leave, to
get out of wherever I had been before. A loose definition that could
mean leaving my house but usually meant leaving my state.

In
2018, the need to leave led me nine hours east to the Outer Banks of
North Carolina, and then seven hours north from there on the next day
to chase the wild Assateague horses in Virginia and Maryland before
ending in Delaware. I spent an additional two hours exploring
abandoned houses and coastline, only to embark on a seven hour drive
back to the Outer Banks to try my hand at hang gliding.

The
premise of my trip was to try to control my fear and my worries to
discover something new, though at first glance it just appears like a
strange form of punishment to drive 30+ hours in 3 days all alone.

I
was a young woman traveling entirely in solitude, and there was a
certain amount of doubt that clung over me that sounded, eerily, like
my mother’s voice. I checked all locked doors and tried to
limit my time out at night, but limiting was difficult.

I
arrived at the Outer Banks well past dark on my first day. The ocean
at night is an irresistible lure. The waves crashing upon a shore
that I’ve never seen before, their foam spewing fresh salt into
the air. I found myself alone on the beach, wanting to venture out
and explore, but also wanting to return to safety.

I
battled this dynamic frequently. Having considered myself a
historically timid girl, I longed to grow in my confidence, but I
wanted to be as safe as possible, and I found it difficult to strike
a balance. I existed outside of my comfort zone in some ways but
still inside in others. In hindsight, everything I did while I was
alone on that trip helped solidify my confidence on my own. I needn’t
have tried to do anything more or worry if I was doing enough. There
was no burden to carry, though I constantly imagined one.

Besides
embarking on this trip alone, I also vowed to not use my phone to
check texts or phone calls. My phone would be strictly for GPS and
posting the occasional update so no one would worry.

In
the absence from the constant stream of news and messages, I found a
new silence to sit with, one with which I wasn’t already
familiar. It felt uncomfortable at first, and my legs jittered with
an anxious energy. It is odd to sit with yourself in the absence of
the comforting presence of people inside of a phone, especially
during a time when I typically would travel with others. The
juxtaposition at times grated me, and all I could do was turn my
music up a little louder, try to sing with the song even if I felt
like crying.

I
felt broken-hearted when I left on the trip, still reeling from the
loss of a previous relationship and struggling to find my place with
new people. Though travel seems like the perfect solution for a
broken heart, the forced solitude causes the unrecovered heartbreak
to feel even more jagged. I felt the sharp edges prick my insides
with unwanted memories tied to a specific song or intrusive memory.
The hours in the car felt even more weighted, and I began to doubt
the power of a road trip.

For
the first time in my road trip experience, I debated returning home.

There
was too much time to second guess and let my emotions swirl around
me. There was no one to save me, no one to decide for me, and all I
could do was wait for the chaos of my emotions to settle around me
and attempt to keep going forward. The sun set around me, and I
carried on.

When
I pulled into my airbnb for the night, a simple private room in
someone’s house, I felt like a teenager sneaking around, as I
tried my hardest to stay silent even when I fumbled with the
unfamiliar keys.

The
room was beautiful with lights that cast an amber glow, making
everything felt warm, like stepping into a sepia photograph. I pulled
out my bag of books and laid them across the bed, five or six of my
journals, one fiction novel, two books of poetry: all books I thought
would be helpful for my spiritual solitude over these few days.

(I
ended up hardly reading any, but books provide good support to weight
down the second half of the bed.)

The
door groaned open when I peeked outside to find the bathroom. It was
down the hall, split between the kitchen where a radio droned on and
the living room where a hallmark movie fought for space. I don’t
think anyone was down there, but it felt like home to me.

In
the morning, I woke up before the sunrise. It was officially New
Years Eve, and I already had plans for a day trip. To most of my
friends, driving seven to fifteen additional hours away from a place
you drove nine hours to the day before would not be a day trip.
Luckily, I had no one to contend with, except my own exhaustion, to
which I paid little mind.

I
began at the beach, watching the soft lavender sea burn red as the
sun rose. The drive north along the Outer Banks was spectacular even
under the grey mask of winter. It was scenic in its subtlety, the
road straight and continuously flowing, seeming almost naturally
bright along the edges from the warm sun shining down. I treated
myself to a classic road trip staple for me, Dunkin’ Donuts,
and continued with my morning. My playlists for solo trips were
mostly upbeat, sometimes even verging on annoying, to keep my morale
high for endurance driving.

On
previous road trips, I occupied my time with calling friends, but I
still felt that my mind needed some silence. I let myself become
enveloped in the quest at hand. I had decided the night before as I
fought for sleep at 3 a.m. that I would venture north to see the wild
Assateague horses. Even better, I’d chosen a route that would
take me under the Chesapeake Bay-Bridge Tunnel, an engineering marvel
where the highway actually runs beneath the water.

I
loved every second of the drive as I sped into the water on a tall
bridge, seagulls flying directly by my drivers side window. Then,
gradually, I submerged, and though the tunnel felt normal by all
accounts, I couldn’t help but feel a bit like an aquatic
explorer in my custom submarine.

Eventually,
I made it to the beach where the wild horses were supposed to gather,
my eyes scanning every inch of land. I saw nothing but marshy green
grass nestled beneath trees on the edge of the beach.

Then,
something moved out of the corner of my eye. I turned to catch it,
cursing my bad eyesight, before the vision swam into view. As my car
ascended over the cusp of a hill, I noticed two beautiful copper
horses in the marshy grass. I marveled aloud to myself in the car and
anxiously sought parking but found none, having seen the horses from
a busy main road. I drove the rest of the swirling park road and
thought about those horses, freely roaming.

I
found parking and decided to wander. The overcast day created fresh
vibrancy on the marshy beaches below as I navigated puddles on the
board walks. At one gravel walkway, I found a clue.

There,
in the middle, sat a pile of horse poop. It looked recent, and I
giggled at my joy at seeing this little clue. To me, it just meant I
had a better chance of catching horses, so I snapped a picture and
continued on my way.

The
more I walked, the more I felt like myself, overcome with joy at
being alone and being happy anyway. Nature is helpful that way.

I
never did see more horses, but I did drive in loops to keep stealing
glances at the horses from the first marsh. Throughout the park, I
followed signs that gave information about the horses and pulled up a
website where you can even track their latest movements. Still, with
no further clues and the day getting late, I had to leave to head
back to my Outer Banks home soon.

“Bye,”
I said aloud to the horses, and it felt good to break the silence
around me, even if I was the only one who could hear.

The
drive home felt like a marathon. The exhaustion I had denied earlier
now descended over me, and I screamed along to old pop music to try
to overcome. The power of pop and punk is no match for driving
exhaustion.

Coming
“home” to the airbnb that night felt like docking at a
port after a storm. It felt late, but in the dark of winter it was
only 7 p.m. Five hours until the New Year. I rested, journaled, and
got myself dressed up to head into the city for a New Year's Eve
celebration. I read online that there was a town celebration just 45
minutes away.

I
felt brand new after a change of clothes and a new playlist to drive
into the city at night. I found myself excited at the prospect of
celebrating with strangers while still being all my own.

The
town greeted me fondly, narrow streets with holiday lights strung up,
and open parking by a beautiful bridge. People scattered across the
bridge and the banks, looking outward and over the water. Lights
blinked above the rooftops and muffled music leaked out from behind
them as I weaved my way toward the center. I was surprised to find
people of all ages, with friends or siblings or partners, and
everyone smiled.

I
danced by myself to some music and delighted in being alone. My
notorious self consciousness faded away in the magic of a moment I
had created myself. I had traveled all the way here and made it
happen just because I had dreamed it would. Like my other travels,
this was proving to me how powerful I could be with the right amount
of open-mindedness and exhaustion denial. And when the fireworks
ultimately rained across the sky, I didn’t even mourn that I
had no one to kiss at midnight. I delighted in racing off before the
other crowds could catch up, onward to my next adventure.

I
sang all the way back before landing at the beach, spending the first
hours of my new year reflecting on my gratitude beneath the stars.
When I closed my eyes that night, the images of the last few days
burned on my eyelids, so much driving, the waves as I drove beneath
them, the horses as they explored the marshes, the stars that felt
like they appeared just for me that night.

I
had planned to drive the nine hours back west to my home - another
place I would end up leaving more permanently in only a few short
months - but I wanted to squeeze every last drop of my trip. I
couldn’t leave the location of the first ever flight by the
Wright Brothers without paying homage in some way.

It
was only a five minute drive down the road before I found myself in
a plastic chair in a sunlit-classroom, beads of sweat bubbling behind
my knees. It was chilly outside, but I found myself nervous and
excited. I was going hang gliding at the famous Jockey’s Ridge
sand dunes.

After
a couple hours learning the history and basics, we took to the dunes.
I was handed a helmet that looked like Evel Knievel’s, and I
reveled in my classmates’ joking comparisons of me to him. I
had always been the girl that was too scared to go above 5 miles per
hour on a jet ski, I was still the girl who hated roller coasters.

But
on my own, I wanted to prove to myself that I was strong, that I
could try new things. I found myself in a group with two families. We
chatted happily as we walked out to our fly point, walking slowly
across bright sand dunes, a hint of deep blue water in the distance.

I
flitted in and out of polite entries into the families’
conversations, and I found myself growing invested in the lives of
this one mother daughter duo. Recently divorced, the mom had decided
to make travel and road tripping with her daughter a priority to give
her a source of fun and adventure for her whole life. I marveled at
her daughter, wishing I had traveled earlier on in my own life.

We
took turns strapping in to take off for a brief flight. Though it was
a beginners’ course, the few moments spent in the air were ones
that sparked a source of gratitude I continuously dive into. When I
first leapt into the air, the mom I had been speaking to snapped some
photos. I felt a strange sense of family, even if only for this
moment.
We
arranged for her to share the photos over email, even leaving with
the promise of perhaps seeing each other in our home states sometime,
one travelers’ promise to another. I did end up asking if I
could park my car at her place in New Jersey during a future trip,
but our schedules ended up falling through last minute.

Immediately
afterward, I scrubbed the sand haphazardly from my feet and leapt
into my car. It was time to return back to society.

The
drive back was the most grueling nine hours yet, not wanting to leave
what I viewed as my newfound independence and battling the remaining
embers of heartbreak that are too hard to shake out.

Though
I arrived home with quite a well of sleep deprivation, I fell asleep
smiling, ever more comfortable in my own skin than I had been before.
I had battled my own mind’s attempts to make me sad, minor
inconveniences and exhaustion, the chilly winter ocean water - all on
my own. I fell asleep with the knowledge that I had accomplished a
beautiful feat for myself.

Jaime
Conlan is a young Public Relations professional in her twenties.
Though she's always dreamed of being an author, in recent years
writing has taken a backseat to travel and work. Jaime has road
tripped to over 39 states so far and occasionally travels out of the
country as well, and she aspires to share her travel tips to other
young travelers who think traveling may be unattainable.