the challenges of dating church women

Month: May 2017

Church singles groups, when they do have them, typically seem to be filled with some non-desirable people. I’m not sure why this is, I guess it stems from a couple things.

First off, if you are over 30 and single, there is probably something just inherently wrong with you. Either your divorced, which may or may not be your fault, or you are weird, ugly, fat, poor, smelly, whatever.

Second, it seems like in most larger social groups, the datable people pair off fairly quickly, maybe within a year or two, or leave since there are no prospects in the group. So what remains are those that can’t find anything else.

Ultimately it ends up being a group of weird, creepy people, which then can’t attract new interesting people. This analysis isn’t scientific, just something seen by observation.

The bigger question is, as a Christian, what kind of social group should you put yourself in. Should you surround yourself with just the cool kids, or should you reach out to those less fortunate? Christ preached extensively on loving your fellow man, ministering to the “least of these” and yet he surrounded himself with a hand picked group of his best buddies.

The Bible talks often of choosing your company wisely.

Proverbs 13:20He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will suffer harm.

1 Corinthians 15:33Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.”

So, what does a singles group look like? What should it’s goal be? Does it make sense to try and minister to single people? Can a group exist that doesn’t devolve down to social misfits? Is there a better way to get Christian people married so they fit into a group?

Part of the problem is most other ministries in the Church are segregated by sex. This kinda makes sense. Mingling men and women does tend to increase the chances for hanky panky and when most of your people are married, this gets really ugly fast, but makes it tough for singles to engage with other singles.

The problem and the social dynamics are interesting. Can an environment be created that moves people through from being single to being married, while continually bringing in new people and keeping things interesting, with minimal drama?

A young girl, or the parent of a young girl are complaining about school dress codes that limit what they can wear. They complain that boys aren’t subject to the same rules, and complain that fashionable clothes and line up to the dress code are hard to find and most of all accuse the male, patriarchal system of body shaming.

Oh, and they also accuse the boys of being out of control.

Girls Distract Boys

I had written a longer thing, but it felt like mansplaining, even to me, so I’ll just keep this short.

Yes, Boys like to look at Girls. I’m not sure most women can understand how huge of a thing that is for guys, but pure and simple it is not something that can be controlled outside of some scary medical treatment to suppress hormones.

Many men, school administrators, whatever, don’t want to shame anyone or make them feel bad, but at the end of the day long legs, tight yoga pants and bare shoulders are going to distract boys. This is a good thing in general, keeps new human babies being born, but not so great when you are trying to learn maths.

Don’t hate, just love and try to help your middle school teachers out by trying to abide by the dress code. They have enough trouble trying to keep teenage boys focused even when there aren’t pretty girls around.

While there are numerous articles trying to explain the mass exodus of the Millennials from the church, this one points at sex.

“Excuse my boldness, but I think the leading factor in why millennials are leaving the church is sexual sin.”

“The norm for youth groups across the country is to have all of their upperclassmen actively engaged in sex, or pornography, or both. It is rare, youth ministers tell me, to find a male high school student that has not had sex or been exposed to pornography. And it is nearly as rare to find a female upperclassmen that is still a virgin or abstaining from “not all the way” sexual activity. The message youth ministers want parents to hear is that they need to assume that their sons and daughters are playing with sex because they all are. In a culture that praises the self and is drowning in sexual sin, it is easy to see why millennials have lost the wonder of God and grown tired of His church.”

The author hits the nail on the head, but doesn’t have any solutions. We should love them, embrace them and help them not sin?

“Let us gently invade their lives. They are a passionate army ready to change the world. They are not apathetic as many were in the previous generation.”

What does that even mean?

Interfaith Marriages on the Rise

According to this research on marriage trends, 41% of Protestants are marrying outside of their faith, while Hindus, Muslims and Mormans largely marry within their faith.

It doesn’t take a genius to realize that a good way to ensure the long term viability of a community is to encourage it’s members to marry and have families. The Church is actively NOT doing this.

In fact, singles are largely ignored in the Church. Yes, there are youth programs, that routinely teach boys and girls to avoid each other. Then there are college aged programs that age out by the late 20s. At that point the Church seems to think everyone should be happily married, while at no point have the done anything more than keep everyone separated.

“There is little debate that American adults are far less likely to be married than they were two generations ago. In 1950, married couples represented 78 percent of households in the United States. In 2011, the US Census Bureau reported, that percentage had dropped to 48 percent. In 2014, the Bureau of Labor Statistics reported that 124.6 million Americans 16 years and older were single, or 50.2 percent of the population, compared with 37.4 percent of the population in 1976. ”

So ultimately the Church needs to reach out to single people and figure out how to either get people married or exist in a culture where single people meet their sexual needs outside of marriage.

We live in a world without rules… no, that’s not quite true. We live in a world without set rules. Rules are arbitrary, change with a whim, and almost impossible to understand in our society. This is true in nearly every circumstance, business, taxes, real estate, but worst of all love.

Modern America is a world full of promiscuity, divorce, where traditional values are not appreciated. Unfortunately, the one place where those of a Christian Faith should be able to go to connect and find a mate, the modern church, has become the most difficult place to navigate when it comes to romance.

Why are church girls hard to date?

The modern evangelical church has a strong bias against any kind of dating, romance, whatever. This seems to have come in response to the Sexual Revolution that started in the 1960s.

While the rest of the world got much more casual about sex, the Church became increasingly negative about any activity that might lead to sex. This cumulated in the 90s with the purity movement and works like I Kissed Dating Goodbye.

I Kissed Dating Goodbye wasn’t just a book people read; it was a book they obeyed. It prompted some people to marry the first person they dated, even if they were unhappy together; to view the opposite sex with fear and suspicion; or to be afraid of starting any relationships at all. Others have struggled with viewing sexual abuse as evidence they were tainted. As one recent response on Harris’ site put it, “I feel the only man I deserve is one who is broken like me.”Even though much of this thought is now rejected, people in the church in their 30s and 40s grew up with this. If they are single, they are still dealing with this thought process, if they are leading children’s groups, they are still sharing some of these deeply ingrained ideas.

Things like courting, purity rings, waiting on God are all very romantic and beautiful, but do they work? Are they effective?

On top of these ideas, there is also a huge amount of pressure on anyone trying to date in a church community. You have coffee with a woman and suddenly there are wedding planners chasing you down.

These things are 100% contrary to what goes on outside of the church walls. Online dating has made it easy to date multiple people, have lots of sex and never commit. Most people don’t even “date” they just hang out and hook up.

What should the modern Christian man do?

So what should the modern Christian man do? Should we attempt to date church girls? Should we go online? What would God want us to do?

That is the point of this site. Those are the questions that need answers. We need to find a balance between the no-dating position of the church and the PUA and Dating Gurus. There has to be a better way to find someone.