U.S./World News

After witnessing yet another Cinco de Mayo celebration with
endless amounts of 100-percent Caucasian young people get
"shit-canned" drunk during this Mexican holiday of independence,
the respective leaders of Mexico and Ireland announced a bilateral
treaty declaring that any white person partaking in the annual
festivities must, at a minimum, wear an enormous sombrero or a
"Kiss Me I'm Mexican" t-shirt.Under a new Irish/Mexican treaty, white Cinco de Mayo partygoers must demonstrate a tiny bit of cultural effort to partake in the day's binge drinking, beyond just slurring "ya ya ya, arriba, arriba!!!"

"It's just not respectful or fair to the good people of Mexico
that drunken fratboys and skanky lushes use our beloved Day of
Independence as an excuse to get hammered off their ass," said
Enrique Peña Nieto, the current President of Mexico. "We have
enough shit to deal with down here, and taking the blame for the
drunken antics of white 20-somethings just isn't something we need
any more. We realize we can't stop these kids from plowing through
Coronas and tequila shots, but we can at least have some standards
and requirements that make these gringos reflect, between vomiting
sessions, on what it might be like to be Mexican and why this is an
important holiday."

The unusual partnership with Ireland came about because the
"Emerald...

Newly elected Pope Francis signaled a possible opening of Catholic doctrine by admitting he has seen "The Da Vinci Code," starring Tom Hanks, and thought it was "pretty good." He quickly countered that the book, written by Dan Brown, "was a little more complex."Pope Francis revealed a potentially controversial stance on The Da Vinci Code, diverging from previous Catholic leaders who felt it was "the Devil's work." "It's just a f*cking movie, people," he noted.

"Don't get me wrong," added Pope Francis. "I will maintain the longstanding official church stance that Jesus was never married to Mary Magdalene nor had any children with her, but I don't think we need to demonize creators of art for having unusual theories. I don't think we should wage war against what some might consider blasphemy. One of the other teams out there does a lot of that, and I don't think it's good for PR."

Pope Francis went on to say that the acting in "The Da Vinci Code" was "first rate," and the plot arc was "riveting at times."

"And although I felt the treatment of albino monks was somewhat derogatory, they're a much smaller demographic than those who watch movies, so I don't want to make a big fuss about it," he added. "The albino monks know I support them, whether they self-flagellate or not. Rock on my pigment-challenged brothers."

Frustrated by repeated outbursts that were considered "showing
off" and "disrespectful," the Supreme Leader of North Korea, Kim
Jong-un, canceled his weekly playdate with a neighbor boy, Ri
Yong-ho, who lives just south of Kim Jong-un's massive Ryongsong
Residence palace complex in Pyongyang.North Korea's Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un, refuses to answer the tin-can phone he once shared with his southern neighbor, Ri Yong-ho, citing his former friend's jealousy of his "god-ness" as the deteriorating factor.

The Yong-ho family has provided playdates with leaders of North
Korea since 1953, but it has been widely reported that the Supreme
Leader, estimated to be 30 years old, now won't play Cowboys and
Indians or Kick the Can with 12-year-old Yong-ho anymore. To add
further insult to the trashed friendship, Kim Jong-un won't even
answer the tin-can phone attached to a string that the young men
had used for years to communicate the latest potential game of
Connect Four or guess at which of the neighboring girls have
"cooties" or not.

"I'm not speaking with him no more," said Jong-un from his
throne of platinum and ivory tusks shaped to his likeness. "He was
acting all like a big-shot and stuff, telling me how he beat me at
jacks, when he knows full well the Supreme Leaders never lose at
anything, especially Jacks, which I'm awesome at...

The National Rifleman's Association (NRA) has countered
President Barack Obama's gun-safety measures with a proposal of its
own: "Emergency Assault Rifles" (EARs) in breakable-glass cases
placed in the hallways of every school, university, post office,
stadium, building, restaurant, bar and house--any place that such
an EAR can fit.The NRA's latest proposal to curb gun violence features putting loaded "Emergency Assault Rifles" in every building, including elementary schools, where the red boxes with breakable-glass-encased weapons would be placed low enough for seven-year-olds to reach them, ensuring their security.

"We've listened to the gun manufacturers, and based on their
input, we believe this is the best solution to the terrible problem
of not enough armed civilians using guns to take care of
disturbances on their own," said Wayne LeWhatever, NRA executive
vice president. "We realized that paying for several armed guards
in every building across America would be overly expensive, so the
portable EAR solved all of those cost issues. Schools and offices
only need to pay for several of the breakable-glass-cased EARs
upfront, and there no longer are any costs involved after
that--except for possibly an annual training class so all of the
employees and students can learn how to operate an assault...

Several dozen worshippers at Holy Name church in Kittypawpaw,
Miss., were shocked when its previously plastic, life-sized "Jesus
on the Cross" became animated with The Savior, who stepped down
from his perch to address the congregation.To the disappointment of Jehovah's Witness members (top), Jesus Christ returned to Earth (bottom) simply to give props to Fox News' coverage of the "War on Christmas" and not to confirm the religious group's theory that he would exterminate the rest of mankind.

"First of all, I hope I didn't freak anyone out too bad by
showing up here and occupying this statue," said Jesus Hank Christ
of Bethlehem, Palestine. "But as my big day nears, I couldn't stand
by and watch any longer without speaking my mind. So I came down
here to Earth to give a 'shout out' to all the television
personalities at Fox News. Their annual crusade against those
fighting the War on Christmas really symbolizes everything that I
stand for, and I wanted that message to get back to them. Wait. I
shouldn't use the word crusade. Let's change that to their annual
witch hunt. Yes, that's better."

Christ added that he's sorry he hasn't stepped in to stop all
the actual wars that have been committed worldwide, some admittedly
in his name, but he felt that humans needed to work that out
themselves, and that they'd never learn if he just did...