For the sake of posterity and the KSK mailbag’s overarching themes of rational thought, I’ve broken down Crowder’s article with the sensible responses of another man who’s newly married. WARNING: if you’re inclined to high blood pressure or angina, I suggest skipping to page 2 for the reader questions. Thanks.

my wedding is something that I’ve looked forward to for quite some time. After having tied the knot at the end of August, I can now say beyond all shadow of a doubt, that it was everything I’d hoped and prayed that it would be since childhood.

This is wonderful. People SHOULD be happy and fulfilled by their wedding.

Let me preface this column by saying this: my wife (I have to get used to saying that) and I not only waited sexually in every way (no, we didn’t pull the Bill Clinton and technically avoid “sex” sex,) but we didn’t shack up as live-ins and most importantly, we courted each other in a way that was consistent with our publicly professed values.

Good for you. I mean this. What with it being a free country, you should court and screw or not screw however and whoever you want.

We did it right.

No, you did it a certain way that you feel good about. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to be married as long as it’s based on a mutual love and shared vision for the couple’s future.

Feeling judged? I couldn’t care less. You know why? Because my wife and I were judged all throughout our relationship. People laughed, scoffed and poked fun at the young, celibate, naive Christian couple.

Ugh. “Judge not, lest ye be judged — BY ME, WHEN I GET MARRIED!!!”

High school girls are so wise

Listen, we’re all human, which means we tend to be assholes as often — or sometimes more often — than we are patient and kind. But bragging about judging other people? It’s just… I hope that this article isn’t something that Christians celebrate, because it’s such a shitty attitude to have. Dude, the internet says mean things to EVERYONE. Don’t let it turn you into a vengeful, prideful, boastful jackass.

We’d certainly never make it to the wedding without schtupping, and if we did, our “wedding night would be awkward and terrible,” they said.

Turns out that people couldn’t have been more wrong. Looking back, I think that the women saying those things felt like the floozies they ultimately were, and the men, with their fickle manhood tied to their pathetic sexual conquests, felt threatened.

“FUCK ALL Y’ALL HATERS I DIDN’T NAIL MY HOT WIFE BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED BECAUSE WE LOVE GOD FUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUU”

I think it’s important to write this column not to gloat (though I’ll be glad to),

“I’m not gloating, but everyone who disagreed with me is either a whore or pathetic.”

but to speak up for all of the young couples that have also done things the right way. When people do marriage right, they don’t complain so much, and so their voices are silenced by the rabble of promiscuous charlatans, peddling their pathetic world view as “progressive.”

Things like “democracy” and “freedom of speech” and “freedom of religion” are “progressive,” too. Sorry, are we just putting things in quotes to be sarcastic? I sometimes miss hilarious jokes because I’m a charlatan who slept with other people before getting married — the “wrong” way, I’ve come to learn.

Our wedding was perfect. Our wedding night was nothing short of amazing.

That’s great! The night I lost my virginity was amazing, too. Then I had sex a lot more times, and realized I was really bad at it the first time. By the time I was your age, I was a platoon commander in Iraq and really happy that I wasn’t a virgin because my best friend from tank school got shot in the head and I realized that our lives are brutally short, and it would suck to die without experiencing the greatest earthly pleasure I’ve ever known just because I hadn’t found the love of my life while living in the empty stretch of Mojave Desert where I was assigned.

Hope that’s okay with you, Steve.

I write this on a plane heading into a tropical paradise with the most beautiful woman to have walked the planet earth.

You married Ann-Marget in 1963? Not bad, but be sure to kill Hitler on your next trip back in time.

I know everybody says that their bride was the “most beautiful in the world.”

I never said that, because I’m not a dumb lying asshole. My wife is my best friend, and I’ll love her until the day I die, and she was absolutely radiant in her gown. But I wasn’t like, “You are the most beautiful bride to ever live,” because, dude: I’ve seen the video for “November Rain.” (This is a good thing, by the way. Stephanie Seymour’s kids are AWFUL.)

They’re wrong. I win.

Your bride is okay. She’s blandly attractive in the same way that a lot of bottle blondes are. Judging by looks alone, you did well for yourself considering your complete lack of experience in the bedroom, but I could browse wedding blogs for an afternoon and find hundreds — literally HUNDREDS of women — who I find more attractive than your bride.

And this isn’t to piss on your wedding or your happiness. You’re newly married: everyone WANTS to say “Congratulations!” because it’s a naturally joyous human event. But you have to turn your post-virginity happiness into a smug competition — “Scoreboard, bitches! My balls are straight-up OUT of semen after all this awesome sex I’m finally trying!” — that everyone is supposedly losing because you did it according to your values, which are “right.” (Am I using the sarcastic quotes correctly?) It’s pathetic.

I’d like to tell you a story of our morning after, however. One that transpired into one of the most glaring epiphanies I’d ever had.

As my wife (again, still not used to that) and I ate breakfast at a local inn, we discussed how excited we were to start the rest of our lives together, how scary it was that everything was now so different. At the same time, we overheard the table next to us discussing their very own wedding from the night prior. What a coincidence!

“The thing is, nothing’s really changed,” the bride said.

Puzzled, my wife asked, “Did you get married last night too? So did we!”

“Congratulations!” the other dame said. “Yeah we did, just last night.”

“Where’s the groom?” my wife innocently… scratch that, naively asked.

Oh, I get it. She’s not innocent because you HIT THAT SHIT UNDER THE EYES OF GOD HELLZ YEAH BRO!

“Oh, he’s sleeping. There was no way he was coming out with me this morning!” She paused and smirked. “Let’s just say that he’s got a lingering headache from a really good time last night.”

Not enjoying the company of close family and long-lost friends with a clear head and clean conscience, not staring in awe at his beautiful new wife, wanting to soak in every glimmer of her eyes as she shot him heart-racing looks from across the dance floor, not taking all of the cheesy pictures as they cut the cake, not even carrying her across that suite threshold as they nervously anticipated their “nightcap.” He probably won’t remember any of it. Instead, he got smashed. He was “that guy”… at his own freaking wedding.

Oh COME ON. This is the nanciest, most ignorant interpretation of drunkenness I’ve seen or heard since I was 16. You can still enjoy your beautiful wife and dance and take pictures and have a great time — and remember everything — while also getting drunk. That’s what makes getting drunk so much fun.

Listen, Steve. Have your own wonderful, sober life with your wife without the knowledge of a variety of vagina shapes or fellatio techniques. That’s your right. But JEEZ, man. Let other people do their own thing.

Then I realized something. Our wedding was truly a once in a lifetime event. It was a God’s-honest celebration of two completely separate lives now becoming one. Physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually, everything that made us who we were individually was becoming what bonded us together. Our family traveled from far and wide to celebrate the decision of two young people to truly commit themselves to each other, and selflessly give themselves to one another in a way that they never had before that very night.

The people next to us that morning? Well, theirs was just one big party.

One big, awesome, way-better party than your judgmental celebration about how much better you are than other people.

And the morning after? Just another hangover.

Our “weddings” were the same event in name only. They know it, and we know it.

I bet they feel okay with theirs, actually.

Do yours the right way. If you’re young and wondering whether you should wait, whether you should just give in, become a live-in harlot/mimbo and do it the world’s way. If you’re wondering whether all of the mocking, the ridicule, the incredible difficulty of saving yourself for your spouse is worth it, let me tell you without a doubt that it is. Your wedding can be the most memorable day and night of your life… or just another party.

Oops. Did I just make a “judgment?” You’re darn right I did.

“I can judge you because I’m a GOOD Christian and you did something different than I did!”

Like I said above, this is a master class in trolling — a flaming arrow sent to the fringes of society with the intent of burning the middle ground of reasonable people. The only thing Crowder got right about weddings is this: “Do yours the right way.” Do it the way that feels comfortable for you, at the time that feels right, when you’re mature enough to handle the commitment of being with one person for the rest of your life. There are lots of good ways to get married, but the only “right” way is the one that feels good to you.

I like how Stephen Crowder, who by his own admission has ZERO personal experience with sexual relations outside of the one time he awkwardly engaged in missionary sex with his bride, feels confident enough to lecture the rest of us on how we’ve been doing it wrong for decades.

Fuck you, Stephen. If I’m taking cues from a Crowder, it sure as shit ain’t you.

Things I remember at my drunken wedding: Wife in white lace, football, family, cheering, wife in black lace. That was 12 years ago and despite a BAC around my age at the time I still remember the great time. Wish I could buy Caveman a drink right now. Thank you for being the voice of reason.

I’m getting married in about 6 weeks. We’re having a formal, classy ceremony at an iconicly beautiful site known the world over, but then, instead of a “reception,” we’re having a blow-out, rent-the-place-out, open-bar-and-food throwdown at our favorite bar/restaurant for 150 of our closest friends and family. Because that’s who we are.

And I HOPE that 3/4 of the guests are too hungover to come to some lame brunch the next day. Because that will mean everyone had an awesome time. I plan to pass out in my tux. Hell, we plan to spend the whole day in our lavish hotel suite just recovering off room service and Advil, and maybe having crappy hangover sex at around 4 pm when the second headache finally wears off. And that’s okay, because we’ve only had awesome, dirty, body-shaking sex like a thousand times.

I’m glad Jesus boy up there had a good time. But he’s also missed out on a lot of living. Good for him that he lived long enough to finally get his dick wet. And he’s awful quick to turn “what I like” into “what’s right for everyone,” but that seems to be a trait shared amongst his right-wing, jeezo-freak, upper-middle-class white people group.

Right on. I’m in SF so it’s easy to tread the line from “super fancy” to “total party zone.” I’ve spent less than an hour in SLC i nmy whole life, but from what I hear, if ain’t Mormons or meth, it ain’t happenin’.

My wedding was great–open bar, of course–right up until one of my old roommates came out. Kind of grabbed the spotlight like a jealous diva. But I repeat myself.
Also, this Crowder guy sounds like someone who will be divorced within two years.

Also, besides drinking heavily, any advice on what to do with Bradshaw and Hernandez? Should I dump em both? I’m new to FF. I’ve got Pettigrew as my TE this week and Gore, Ray Rice, and Ben Tate at RB; should I dump Bradshaw and try to get Lt. Winslow off waivers?

I would not hold on to Bradshaw if we’re talking about Ahmad. While he won’t be replaced as the starter, I definitely believe that either Brown, Wilson, or Jernnigan are going to have more fantasy points than him as the designated 3rd down back/Willis McGahee TD Vulture

Because they decide to let douche nozzles like this represent them – for some reason all of them kind of forgot that whole “judge not lest ye be judged” part of that funny book they’re always pushing in your face.

Here’s hoping she experiences dry vagina syndrome and God Boy has to purchase a bucket of Vaseline.

A really good memory of my wedding night was my best friend bringing over vodka shots and a beer and saying, “Chug this, you pussy. You’re going to be in trouble for the rest of your life. Start it off right.”

I fully admire any solid thought out response from our Christian brethren. In fact; fully open and honest discourse and discussion is why we have distanced ourselves from the mouth breathers that occupy the PFT comment section.

Seattle visitor – Pioneer square is fine for game day, but stay away the rest of the time. Nothing but tourists and 21 year olds. Go to Fremont or Ballard, the two neighborhoods with the highest numbers of bars per square mile in the entire state.

For the Seattle tourist:
Seconded on Elysian, and I’d recommend Black Raven Brewing as well; last time I was there, their beer was excellent, and the staff (and my fellow drinkers) were all willing to discuss everything and anything about each beer they were serving.

Just watch out for Petey. Last time he was in town he sang praises of the Lucille (Loose Seal?) which is admittedly in my top 3 beers. The only thing I can say about liking the same beer as Petey is. . .WEIRD?

I’m hoping you’re shitting on Wisconsin beers because you’re either afraid that Clay Matthews is going to accidentally kill Russell Wilson or you’ve never actually been to Wisconsin to try any of the good beers brewed there and are therefore forming your opinion on Miller products. If you happen to get to the land of more lakes than Minnesota, drink as much New Glarus as possible. Preferably at their amazing brewery. That is all.

Crowder and Kardashian aren’t the only two options. Sort of like if I said “I’d rather a porcupine shot quills into Steve Crowder’s urethra than Steve Doocy’s urethra.” Wait…I got that wrong. I hope BOTH their urethrae are destroyed by porcupine quills.

Also, judging is fine if you’re a judge or a food critic; if you’re moralizing for a Fox News audience, then fuck you right in your judgmental piehole.

Judge away. Just don’t write a goddamn column about it like anyone is supposed to give a flying fuck. And Crowder is exactly no bit better than Kardashian. There, I said it. He and his ilk are a cancer upon the human condition.

Are your avatar and your handle making a reference to how Jason Pierre-Paul rapes O-Lines and quarterbacks? The Japanese in me recognizes the octopus’ potential for pervy, rape antics and couldn’t help but make the connection.

If you want to be really pedantic about it, it’s octopodes (the -pus) is actually from the word for foot in Greek (pous), so it’s not just the traditional latin second declension ending. Or you could just be an english speaker and use octopuses.

Yes, just like in real life, it’s almost impossible to win the league without a top QB. AKA It’s the Dilfer that proves the rule. I don’t think that slate of RBs alone is going to carry you to the glory hole.

Crowder = toe-tapping gay
His wife = leaves him after 2 years of shitty sex for the BBC
His views on marriage = his own and should stay that way

My reception was a big fucking party with a five hour open bar and a local DJ that had us dancing all night like pagan injuns around a campfire (Shawshank’d). I’ve been married for write some time and my experience mirrors Uff. So I can unequivocally say Fuck That Guy.

I got married on the 4th of July 1989. In East county San Diego. It was probably 108 degrees. We wore black tuxedos for some stupid fucking reason.
My Dad had a pool. We had a kegger and grilled burgers and dogs and I remember it like yesterday. I was hungover and if I wasn’t the first to reach for the keg, I surely helped pump the tap to start it up. Magnificent day.
Would I do it again?

If I got my daughters out of the equation, Oh yes. Every day of the week.

@Someguy: pay a visit to an upmarket sex shop. It’s easier to break the ice a little visiting in person (as opposed to internet ordering) and you can get a feel for what might interest your partner. If you live in suburbia, the Adam and Eve stores are a good place to start. If you’re in a city, there are probably some women-friendly local places you can visit.

Are you really that unfamiliar with fundy toolbags? They live to feel superior to others, while claiming that they are oppressed as Christians in a country that is majority Christian. It takes quite a bit of stupid to maintain that cognitive dissonance, but most of them have what it takes.

“The thought of endless hatred forevermore between both my parents and her is kind of depressing.”

Wait…your parents and her?

That’s a pretty unusual situation. In most marriages (mine included, although just my father-in-law) it’s the woman’s parents who hate the man. It’s because we tend to suck a lot worse than women.

I’d go back a and look at what exactly happened to make your parents hate her. If you can pin the majority of it on your parents just being assholes and not accepting her for some minor infraction, I’d say you’re in the clear.

But if you find that she was the primary antagonist against YOUR OWN PARENTS, you might want to give things a rethink.

I’d think she would have to be the world’s best woman at everything to want to cut off relations with YOU OWN PARENTS.

Yep my parents and her. Contrary to everything I ever learned from 50s sitcoms, her parents seem to quite like me. WEIRD! Or at least they do a really good job of faking it…
As to the whys and wherefores, without giving a complete break down, in my opinion the split’s about 90-10. Yes some mistakes have been made and she’s not entirely blameless in the whole situation but majority of it seems to be parents just being assholes and not accepting her for some minor infraction.
But then I probably would say that because as CC points out, to the dick wettor goes the spoils.

Confession time. I am a Christian, and an evangelical at that. I agree with Crowder’s assessment of waiting until marriage, and my wife and I waited until our wedding night. I don’t think you need to have multiple partners before marriage because you can learn with your spouse. We have thoroughly enjoyed having sex and learning what each other enjoys and doesn’t enjoy. The sex has gotten better… much better.

One of the two conversations involves a pointless attempt to communicate with a not-precisely sentient being with a brain the size of a walnut, who is mainly motivated by a primordial fear of the unknown which he is unable to cover with a veneer of rationality.

I don’t think anyone here is saying it’s “bad” to wait until marriage–a great monogamous sex life beats hell out of a lousy sex life with a hundred different partners. It’s just bad form to rub your personal morality onto everyone else’s faces from a presumed position of superiority, as Chowderhead did. Especially when you are presuming to represent one particular faith system (“marriage as defined by the Bible,,” which could equal having several dozen wives, including sisters, or trading Philistine foreskins for one of your many brides or…you get the idea. Lots of definitions from which to choose. And none of them are any “righter” than any other.

18:25 And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged of the king’s enemies. But Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines.

18:25 And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged of the king’s enemies. But Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines.
18:26 And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king’s son in law: and the days were not expired.
18:27 Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king’s son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.

@teabagging tebow: I’m saying that it’s bad to wait until marriage. Sexual incompatibility isn’t always overcome with time and practice. In most cases, things will be ok, but if you happen to be in one of those couples where the sex is NEVER going to be any good, you sure as hell want to know about that before you put a ring on it.

Awful lot of people taking the time to mock a guy for having an opinion on how to do marriage and weddings right by writing how their marriage and wedding was the ‘right’ way to do it and fuck that guy for thinking otherwise. Hypocrites or stupid? I’m going with stupid.

Nope. Live your life alone and desperate, clinging to your past experience like a starving man clings to a scrap of bread, hating the choices you’ve made and the person you’ve become, just waiting for your turn to tumble into the eternal fires of hell.

There’s no way I could talk to Steven Crowder. The moment I share with him I’ve banged a stripper, he would pour holy water on me. And I would be wet with no further negative effects, because I don’t believe in voodoo.

By the time I was your age, I was a platoon commander in Iraq and really happy that I wasn’t a virgin because my best friend from tank school got shot in the head and I realized that our lives are brutally short, and it would suck to die without experiencing the greatest earthly pleasure I’ve ever known just because I hadn’t found the love of my life while living in the empty stretch of Mojave Desert where I was assigned.

I like how Crowder’s thought process after having sex wasn’t “Man, I really missed out on this wonderful thing for years. This shit is awesome!”, but “Man, I didn’t do this wonderful thing for years. I AM SO MUCH FUCKING BETTER THAN YOU!”

“no matter how happy I am in a relationship, that I’ll always be wondering what it’s like to see most women naked. I’m very much attracted to Donna, but I think my affection for her gets in the way of any feelings of lust. That’s supposed to happen with the woman you love, right?”

Congratulations Hornball, you’re what we call “A Man.” Love comes from the heart and lust comes from our penises. Only the brain can decide who we listen to. There’s nothing wrong with picturing other women naked (I’m picturing Donna naked right now. Is that a birth mark?), but there is something wrong with acting on lust.

It’s a challenge every married man faces, some of us fail, some are triumphant. The woman you love will make facing that challenge easier and absolutely worth facing.

Hornball: You may not be as attracted to Donna as you think. Back when I was married I really didn’t have an eye for other woman for the first several years. It was only after things started to disolve in our marriage that I began looking longingly at the other ladies. Hell yes, I looked and appreciated a good looking girl but the thoughts never progressed beyond “Holy shit that’s a fine looking individual”.
I have no such qualms about eye-fucking the ladies these days.

To the other Girl. I’ve been in a similar situation, and if anything in the bedroom becomes a contentious situation it’s not going to resolve itself. Guys to try to push the anal thing, but it’s never going to work unless you’re comfortable with it, and it doesn’t sound like he’s trying to make you comfortable. My current situation is good, and it still took about two years (with no pressure other than a knowledge that it was something he wanted to do) before I was willing to give it a slow, careful try again. And it worked out pretty well. But if you’re not in a situation like that, it might be worth considering if what you’re getting out of it is worth it.

I’m a woman, and I find nothing remotely cute or romantic about this useless sack of shit’s wedding. Uff nailed it- it’s great when you know what you want and are able to put it into effect. But for the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, STFU, asshole. People who wax on like this are only trying to justify their bad choices and come across as smart and together to others. His lengths lead me to one conclusion- trapped in the closet.

“As my wife (again, still not used to that) and I ate breakfast at a local inn, we discussed how excited we were to start the rest of our lives together, how scary it was that everything was now so different. At the same time, we overheard the table next to us discussing their very own wedding from the night prior. What a coincidence!

“The thing is, nothing’s really changed,” the bride said.

Puzzled, my wife asked, “Did you get married last night too? So did we!”

“Congratulations!” the other dame said. “Yeah we did, just last night.”

“Where’s the groom?” my wife innocently… scratch that, naively asked.

“Oh, he’s sleeping. There was no way he was coming out with me this morning!” She paused and smirked. “Let’s just say that he’s got a lingering headache from a really good time last night.”

QB question: Peyton v. HOU, Roethlisberger @ OAK, or Dalton @ WSH? Pey-Pey’s been disappointing, and The Ben faces a team that let Ryan Tannehill embarrass them last week. I also like Dalton against the Redskins weak secondary.

Great call on Elysian. They’ve actually got a brewpub like the one on Cap hill right next to the Clink (next door to sluggers). Saves you having to bus it from Cap hill. Another great brewery nearby is Schooner Exact, just south of the stadiums on 1st.

I seriously can’t be the only one who’s thrilled that the LSU fan is not only using birth control, but that that birth control is now making sure he’s not getting any, can I? If there’s anything the world needs less of, it’s Stephen Crowder, but in a close second, it’s faux (or is it “feaux”, assholes?) Cajun).

/rant

@Tactless Groom:

“If you’re stuck on something or unsure of whether it’s appropriate, bounce it off your best man or officiant.” -That’s Matt’s advice, but I’ll make it even simpler: if you’re unsure if something’s appropriate, LEAVE IT THE FUCK OUT. Even if your family and future wife are cool with it, there’s like a quasi-legitish 80% chance it’ll upset someone in her family. It’s just not worth it.

@Party Pooper: Really nothing to add, as Uff nailed it, but I do want to strongly second his advice. There’s really no way to stress this strongly enough. I, like Caveman, am not a proponent of anal sex. It was always more uncomfortable for me than it was enjoyable, but in my younger days, I dated a girl who literally CRAVED it. Having never done it before and being a curious young lad, I gave it a go, but no matter what we tried (lube/body wash in the shower/basically whatever she suggested), it just wasn’t enjoyable for me (it was more or less akin to sticking my dick in a nutcracker, if you’ll excuse my vernacular. She kept insisting, and that’s what eventually led to our break-up. I don’t regret the experience, but I’m also glad that I didn’t keep subjecting myself to something that wasn’t enjoyable for me.

If you’re that liberal with the delivery of blow jobs, there are plenty of guys out there who would love to meet you and not put it in your butt.

@phisherman – nah, this was ten years ago. That girl probably hadn’t even started having daddy issues at that point. Perhaps also worth noting – she had a bad habit of waking me up in the middle of the night for sex…by licking my butthole. Awful, awful feeling when you’re completely unprepared for it.

As a quick aside- i was in MN for work a few weeks ago and the beer selection was uninspiring though that could be more to do with not knowing the area or micro brews. I have to go back so any suggestions on where I can get something other than a pilzner or PK’s fruity IPA (more citrus, maybe) ?

For whatever it is worth I am a Christian and I think Crowder’s article is a terrible example of Christianity and I just want people to know that not all of us are like that. He is way too judgmental and condemning, and to me is more like the Pharisees in the Bible if anything. Pretty much the opposite of how to talk with people. Just wanted to throw that out there and hope that you don’t think we are all like that.

I don’t wish divorce or unhappiness upon any person, but if/when he divorces his wife, I can’t wait to read the judgemental, sanctimonious essay about why his divorce is legit and he did it the right way.