Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Something a little special for all your Captain Tootsie fans out there (one...two...three...well, maybe there's a couple more of you): did y'all know that Captain Tootsie had his own comic book magazine! No! I'm not lying! Not this time!

Toot, toot, Tootsie, my my! Captain Tootsie cornered by Venusian soldiers? How will he fight back? Will he survive? And will he be able to expense this trip back to the Tootsie Company? First, however, let's read a comminique straight from the desk of Captain Tootsie...on his own personal-logoed letterhead! (He got it at Vistaprint.)

Yes, that's right:

Well, this all looks very exciting and amazing, and a solo full-length Captain Tootsie adventure is just what we need right now. At last, we can read about the escapades and hard-hitting exploits of he-man Captain Tootsie unencumbered by those tagalog kids like Rollo and Fatso...

Well, for better or worse, thos darn kids of the Tootsie Secret Legion are apparently along for the ride. There's Rollo, and Fatso...and say, what is the name of the third one?

Fisty? Fisty? OH FOR PETE'S SAKE COMICS.

Turns out that those mysterious strangers taking Tootsie away are not the local city vice squad, but rather G-Men (gee!) who have recruited the Capster (that's one of his nicknames, right? Right?) to pilot an experimental rocket ship to the sun! Or the moon, or into outer space, or the air, or something. We're not quite clear about all that.

How amazing is this feat, Rollo?

Rollo, Fatso and...hee hee hee...Fisty are hanging around the rocket yard before the launch. While they fail to notice the quartet of three men and one woman covertly sneaking in towards their rocket ship, they do spot a couple dangerous mobsters hanging around the rocket launch pad to sabotage the launch for reasons unknown to us. (I like to think it turned out to be an elaborate tax dodge.)

The rocket ship has already been sabotaged, though, and the kids slip aboard to warn Captain Tootsie. Instead of, you know, informing some grownups. Well, at least they have their Tootsie Rolls for quick energy action and...wait a minute, woudjabelieveit, there are absolutely no mentions or appearances of any Tootsie candy at all in this comic book. Comic book creators, you have removed the single most interesting element of the Captain Tootsie mythos! Captain Tootsie without Tootsie Rolls is like Superman with a mullet, or Batman in a rainbow colored suit, or Wonder Woman wearing pants...just plain silly!

I'm pretty sure anyone who's ever seen Josie and the Pussycats in Outer Space or Spacecamp or Far Out Space Nuts or the opening credits to Mystery Science Theater 3000 know what's coming up, but let's have it here just for the record.

Yes, the rocket ship is on a collision course with wackiness! They've reached earth orbit and kept going. So long, you Tootsie-chewin' suckers!

Well, in order to survive, it's time for Captain Tootsie and his crack crew to get immediately down to work:

OH COME ON NOW COMIC BOOK

Captain tootsie is rightfully worried about their ultimate survival. While there's plenty of chewy delicious energy-packed Tootsie Rolls generic provisions aboard, there's not enough air for four people. Ah ha, now I see Captain Tootsie's plan in the previous panel: they'll kill Fatso in his sleep so that they may breathe longer.

(What, too dark?)

Luckily, Brainiac Rollo has a science!-based solution. He'll simply split the atoms of carbon dioxide and re-used the oxygen. Brilliant! And it works. Science!

So happily after all, they don't have to cook Fatso for dinner. Unless that's what Fisty is hinting at here...

There's a page of discussion about landing on the moon, in which it's pointed out that would rightfully be very foolish, as there is no atmosphere on the moon and it, like the McDLT, is boiling hot on one side and bone-chilling cold on the other. So, of course, they decide to go instead to Venus. There will now be a sort pause while you interject your own WHAT THE SAM SCRATCH, COMIC BOOK?

Of course, since the rocket was only intended to go into the upper reaches of the atmosphere and then return, they have no spacesuits inside which to explore the planet of Venus. If they had them, I'd suggest they plug Tootsie Rolls in their noses to keep from breathing the poisonous low-pressure atmosphere of the second planet, but I'm sure they'll come up with some science!-based method, right?

Captain Tootsie decides to just open the door a little bit so only some of the air escapes very slowly and OH FOR PETE'S SAKE COMIC BOOK

And so they all die and are left alone and unmourned on the planet Venus alight from the rocket ship and meet savage tribesmen goons and civilized Venusians! Why, it's just like landing on the border of Brooklyn and the Bronx! But I kids the Bronx.

I'm certain, that like any Buck Rogers or Flash Gordon or John Carter adventure, that tribe of savage goons has a cool name, right?

OH FOR PETE'S wait let's move along quickly. Turns out that "civilized" ruling race of green lizard people are actually the bad guys OH WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED. Cap meets with the leader of the "savage" human underground...er, under the ground, where he finds a dastardly plot to torture him to give them the secret formula for Tootsie Rolls make duplicates of his rocket ship to invade the Earth. OH FOR PETE'S...oh wait, that's actually a pretty clever evil plan. You go, lizard guys!

Yadda yadda yadda they escape into the Venusian forests to get away from the deadly lizardmen and are captured by the savage Goonans. Who turn out to actually be pretty nice guys. Which only goes to show another important Captain Tootsie lesson: trust people based on how much they look like you.

The secret survival technique of the humanoids on Venus? Allowing the lizards to kidnap humans to use as slaves in the city WAIT WHAT?

Wacky, wacky Venus, huh guys? Let's take a look at the wildlife of this place. Beware the tree-dwelling giant rubber spider!

A spider that looks like an octopus?!? Next thing you'll be telling me is they've got walking alligators.

You know the drill here.

Okay, I've taken a lot of potshots at this comic, partly just in good fun but mostly due to my frustration I'm not going to get any delicious chewy Tootsie Rolls, but here's an absolutely lovely wordless panel of Cap and the Legion sneakily approaching their rocket ship from the rear.

Sneaking past the guards will take some cool heads and a subtle plan. As we know from the Captain Tootsie advertisement comics, our titular hero generally has a keen strategy that preserves all life, is as non-belligerant as possible, and requires quick fast energy immediately before. What's your non-violent plan of attack, Captain Tootsie?