A bald-faced lie.

I am of the opinion that a beard is to a man, what makeup is to a woman. Just as makeup can help improve a person’s appearance, sometimes drastically, a beard can do the same for a man.

There has been a surge in the appreciation for bearded men, if you are on twitter, you will definitely have noticed it. A man with a lush, well groomed beard is lusted after, more brownie points if the beard has specks of grey in it. Oooh la la.

But before you go ahead and put a ring on that bearded man who you are sure the gods created specially for you, ask yourself: am I in love with a man or a beard?

It is a very important question you see, even more important than when men question if a woman is still cute under the layers of war paint. You think you have found your soulmate, and you foolishly stay in a relationship with him for years, without ever seeing his bald face. He hasn’t taken the same chances. On your first date, he took you deep sea diving and you thought he was being adventurous. Nope, he just wanted the salt water to wash off your makeup so he could see your bare face.

But you did not do the same. You never surprised him with a trip to the barber’s shop for a shave. You never loving applied Veet to his face as he slept. Rather you let yourself be carried away by the allure of the hair sprouting from his face and the countless #relationship goals your pictures received. He proposed and you ecstatically said yes. Finally you were going to marry the beard man of your dreams. Then the wedding day comes, and you walk down the aisle excited and happy as hell. Your happiness quickly turns to confusion: who is that stranger at the end of the aisle? You see, your beloved decided to shave off his beard for this special day, and now you realise you fell in love with a beard. It is too late to back out now, or is it? The priest asks if there are any objections and your arm shoots up of its own accord. You mutter an apology, hike up your dress and run for the hills.

It is better that you found out this way. Imagine he hadn’t shaved his beard and you had gone ahead with the marriage. Then ten years and three children down the line, he decides he wants a new look. You come back home to a stranger in your bed and your stomach drops. But it is too late to back out now, so you accept your fate and spend the rest of your life trapped in a beardless marriage.

All this could have been avoided if on the first date, as he brought out a pack of face wipes, you brought out a razor.