​UNSPORTSmanlike Conduct

Does anyone have it better than Gronk right now? He's basically on a nationwide tour where he gets super drunk and throws things on the ground to crowds of people that shower him with praise. Do you know awesome throwing shit on the ground is? It was basically my favorite activity as a child. Which makes total sense given the fact that Gronk is basically a 6 year old brick shit house with the alcohol tolerance of the 50 year old dude at the bar that has been drinking Jack Daniel's neat since Monday. Spiking a football is an act that is as old as time itself. If I had to guess it was the first celebration. Not first football celebration. The first time anyone celebrated anything they probably threw whatever they had in their hand at the ground as hard as they could. Do you understand how hard it is to make an action that has been around for centuries yours? It's the equivalent of being able to walk around and claim you made alcohol popular. It's like bringing back the two step. Do you even remember anyone else besides Gronk spiking a football? Off the top of my head I couldn't give you a single name, and it's been done a million times before Gronk's superhuman seed was even conceived. Super Bowl champ? Yeah, that's nice. Millions of dollars and the potential to become the best tight end in NFL history? I certainly wouldn't hate it. Traveling the country getting shitfaced with basically whoever you want? Sounds like the American dream to me. Are any of those his greatest feat as a person/football player? Nope. His greatest achievement is that he can smash anything of his choosing on the ground and no one would blink an eye. He could stomp in your house uninvited and spike your grandmother's urn and you would just say "ohhh Gronk" and get him a beer as you coughed from the ashes.

Gronk is to spiking as Gronk is to the number 69. Just completely owns the most simplistic celebration as well as dual oral satisfaction. It's almost not even fair. Somewhere the inventor of the spike and the inventor of the 69 are rolling over in their graves. Is there anything better than completely owning a celebration and a sexual position? If I spent my entire life celebrating and mutually mouth fucking I would be a perfectly content person. Well maybe not perfectly content, I would probably also be on my 40th jaw surgery, but that's not the point. The fact that Gronk has the ability to physically dominate anyone and everyone that comes across his path isn't even the most awesome thing about him. I dare you to try to 69 tonight and not even think of Gronk for one second. I dare you to spike a football and not have any spectators mention the name of Rob Gronkowski. The only things he knows are football, fucking, drinking, and smashing things, and he's better than all of us at every single one of them.