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Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Sidin's guide to the greatest Indian cricketers of all time especially that period between 4 and 6 pm last week

After yesterday's fantastic win against Pakistan there is a new-found optimism in the Indian camp especially with our younger players coming of age and beginning to complement the senior players nicely. When asked of his feelings about the current Indian team Rahul Dravid stated that there was a new-found optimism in the Indian camp especially with our... you get the drift yeah?

So it is but natural that several young Indians of today, drunk with current glory, lose touch with the glittering past of Indian cricket. India has had a history of outstanding cricketers many of whom have been instrumental in the achievement of a large number of cricketing records by countries like Australia, Pakistan, England, Scotland, Vidharbha etc.

This negligence has to stop and the movement to relive our cricketing past starts with this blog right now. So today we celebrate some of the luminaries who have taken Indian cricket to where it is today in the cricketing record books (i.e. in the "vs." column). This list is by no means exhaustive, authoritative or even authentic, and the author strongly expresses the opinion that you do not try this at home.

List of luminaries with brief biographies, often true. (Part 1)

Ranjit Singhji: One of the first great Indian cricketing heroes. Singhji was "The cricketer formally known as "Prince"". His most famous exploits include obtaining a UK visa and work permit and inventing the Leg Glance, a move whereby when friends' sisters walks by in a short skirts you make a sweeping cricket shot action imitation thereby looking at their legs but not getting caught. Famously, Ranjit Singhji once fell ill after a mixing some bad milk in his cup of Darjeeling and could only bowl a single over. In spite of this he got 3 wickets through judicious use of line and length. This is immortalized today in the famous "Corridor of Uncertain Tea". He names lives on to this day in the form of the tournament named after him, the "Coca-Cola Cup".

Gundappa Viswanath: Widely considered the greatest left-handed batsmen from Andhra with a moustache to play in the 60s, in Indian History. Played several crucial test innings for India, many times pulling India back from the brink of complete disaster, taking them to mere comprehensive defeats. He was a daring, brave batsman who stood fearless in the face of the quickest bowlers, primarily because he was blinded by his moustache. Renowned for his deft footwork, he once, after being bowled for duck, moonwalked all the way back to the pavilion. His first name means "Fat Papa" in Tamil and this ensured constant victory for India against the Sri Lankans who could not bowl at him with a straight face.

Sunil Gavaskar: The first big international Indian cricket star. Scored thousands upon thousands of runs in a career that spanned several millions of balls left outside off-stump. He was affectionately known as Sunny, the Little Master and that little Prick though the first two were rarely used. He was a tireless team player and inspiring captain who often shouldered a lot of the batting burden and most of the match fees single-handedly. Gavaskar was a cricketer who patiently waited for the loose ball and once did so for three whole days in a limited overs match before stadium security politely asked him to leave. Gavaskar became the captain of India in 1982 taking on the mantle from Srinivasaraghavan Venkataraghavan, an accomplished cricketer himself, who retired from cricket in protest after it became mandatory to wear kits with one’s full name on the back.

Ravi Shashtri: Holds the record for maximum sixes hit in one over with 6 against Tilak Raj in Bombay. Shastri would have hit more but little Tilak had maths homework and a Social Studies test the next day and we all know how bad 7th standard CBSE is. Shastri was one of our first great all-rounders and once, in a remarkable game in the 1987 tour of Ooty and Coimbatore, Shastri bowled himself around the legs. Ravi Shastri was the heartthrob of millions of women in the late 80s and early 90s and was considered a great looker. This has now been found to be an error due to primitive TV broadcasting technology. He is now a well-known and respected cricket commentator. Fiercely patriotic, he recently pegged India to win all the one-days in the South African tour of Sri Lanka.

Kapil Dev: Explosive with the ball, dynamic with the bat and ridiculous with the English language, Kapil Dev was the life of many humorous post-match press conferences. Dev often stood alone in the face of adversity and dragged India out of tight spots. His 175 run innings in Tunbridge Wells is a classic and some of his shots continue to orbit the Earth to this day bouncing off space stations and interfering with TV broadcasts (see Ravi Shastri above.) Kapil Dev was also one of the first few cricketers to make it big in the world of advertising and synonymous with the caption: "Boost is the secret of my enema. Our enema. (Smile)" Nowadays he is a successful entrepreneur and often appears on TV when he roots for India from his heart saying: "India needs to play the games with the heart and the tactics is nice if then the whole together comes... err... boost is the secret of my enema..."

Krishnamachari Srikkanth: A dynamic one-day player who pioneered the technique of repeated letters in one's name for good luck. Srikkanth was an explosive opening batsman who often stepped out of his crease and swung his bat with great gusto only to be stumped down leg side. He holds the record for maximum consecutives world cups without a haircut (4). Kris Srikkanth was the quintessential South Indian in the team who rapidly learned Hindi while playing for India, leading to an average of well over 4 run outs per match in the process. Today Kris is a passionate cricket commentator who can say “Oh shit, sorry” in over 14 north Indian languages.

Venkatesh Prasad: If Akthar is the "Rawalpindi Express" then for many years Venkatesh Prasad, a key part of the bowling attack, was affectionately called "The Slow Bangalore Passenger That Is Currently Broken Down At Palakkad Station. Passengers approach ticket counter for refund please." Despite several key wickets, Prasad was not a pacey bowler but instead used a bewildering array of slow, slower and slowest balls to vex batsmen. In the 1992 World Cup he bowled a slow one to Wasim Akram that has not reached the batsman to this day. He was a pioneer of the "Intimidation" school of fielding whereby you do not run for the ball but merely try to stop it by looking at it gravely.

Anil Kumble: Named after the Anil Kumble Circle in Bangalore, where he grew up learning to bowl, Kumble continues to be one of the spinning maestros in the country. However he is not a big mover of the ball but instead unleashes a repertoire of balls so complicated even he does not know what he is doing. He holds the record for having captured 10 wickets in a single test innings but honestly cannot explain how. The author has a particular grouse with Mr. Kumble for having released a shitty cricket video game that the author's brother forced him to buy. The game has graphics reminiscent of a Rohrschach Test and game play marginally more engaging than digging one's nose. Kumble is frequently a useful all-rounder and was the first Indian to achieve the “supreme” double of 400 wickets taken and 4000 misfields.

Sachin Tendulkar: No one makes fun of Sachin. Not even me.

Sanjay Manrekar: Manjrekar is an exciting top order batsman with an amazing repertoire of shots. If you play him in that stupid Anil Kumble game that is. In real life he was often called a text-book cricketer, in the sense that watching him bat was like reading a macro-economics text book. Sanjay Manjrekar was full of technique and single-handedly developed 2567 ways of padding upto an off-spinner. His moment of glory was during the Ashes Test of 1994 when Imran Khan approached him and accepted defeat as several of the Pakistani players were collapsing from brain inactivity. Manjrekar valiantly declined and went on to score an astounding century in just under a fortnight.

Venkatpathy Raju: With tremendous movement off the pitch especially in windy gusty weather, Venkatpathy Raju is one of the lightest players to have ever played the game. His bowling, on the other hand, was tricky especially because of a complete lack of speed. Raju bowled with such little pace and his ball took so long to come that batsmen often practiced facing him by getting friends and relatives to courier cricket balls overnight to them through local courier companies.

That was the first edition of this special blog series on Indian cricket greats. Hope you enjoyed these brief character profiles and you often burst out, like Azhar, with the words: “Wow!! This I will do for free…” More exciting profiles of Indian cricketing heroes coming soon. Stay tuned.

(p.s. Before anyone gets worked up I know they were all brilliant cricketers and all this is just a joke. Except of course in case of Venkatesh Prasad. So please relax. And dont send hate mail please...)

Ravi Shastri was the heartthrob of millions of women in the late 80s and early 90s and was considered a great looker. This has now been found to be an error due to primitive TV broadcasting technology.

Spot the missing joke.

I read your blog all the time Sidin... and each time seems funnier than the last!

Today I actually had look away and think about other stuff to stop my self from laughing out loud (I was reading at work)...

So calling this the sex of humour (no pun intended) actually ain't hyperbole!

wow! what a post! :-)))really really funny..if you are a mallu who can read malayalam and do not know about a group of mallu bloggers, please visit some of the blogs here, you MIGHT find it very funny.

God-o-god,Sidin,this is damn funny.Laughing all body parts out when you are hungry is the second most pleasurefilled experience after...well.

This one is classic.

Gavaskar became the captain of India in 1982 taking on the mantle from Srinivasaraghavan Venkataraghavan, an accomplished cricketer himself, who retired from cricket in protest after it became mandatory to wear kits with one’s full name on the back.

Except for India's contribution to records and Venkatesh Prasad the rest was ok. Guess it has become fashion for people to come here and write how hilarious it was just to keep up with the joneses. Otherwise you are an extremely talented writer. Keep it up.

awesome post. A big cricket fan myself. totally loved it. Have a few cricket posts myself... though I dont promise to be as entertaining as u are. way to go..already waiting for the sequel... and "no one makes fun of sachin. not even me".. well said.

awesome post. A big cricket fan myself. totally loved it. Have a few cricket posts myself... though I dont promise to be as entertaining as u are. way to go..already waiting for the sequel... and "no one makes fun of sachin. not even me".. well said.

Gundappa Vishwanath is not from Andhra. What ignorance. He has also now settled in Bangalore his hometown from day one. He has married Sunil Gavaskar's sister.Pl ger your facts right. except this slip Sidin is good humour.

Gundappa Vishwanath was a right handed Karnataka born batsmen with a very rare pure Kannada name. Okay, the word in Tamil might also means the same. What the .... I think even in Malayalam it might mean the same(May be Gundappan...)

Since I don't expect you to make such lousy factual errors, I think you have hidden agenda against Kannadigas( the person you have singled out is again a Kannadiga, Venky). I think I know the reason after reading "...South Indian men".

Dude - add another one to your already large fan-base. I also happen to be working with one of your seniors at IIM. If you've quit your job to write full-time you've clearly reached top-tier on Maslow's chart.

Honestly, I didnt like the nelson's in the number of comments on the cricket blog...hence this comment... Took me a while to gather myself from the splits u got me into from reading your post to posting this comment...Little effort and job well done...Keep em comingTaken liberties to post a link on my blog...

Dear Sidin, You seem to be a highly respected individual among sex-deprived, academically proficient and "deliberately intellectual" racounters who keep ranting about your writing capabilities throughout the day. I usually, didn't give much thought to the hype, but I must confess, apart from the the whopping number of responses, the testimonials (which eventually, I would presume would be, helpful for those "oh so hep n happening" online marriage portals), the evidentally humor deprived "leno-letterman-imdb-iim-iit-cnbc-shirinbahn-java" enthusiasts...DAMN BOI...? do you have a life mr.sidin ?

'Srinivasaraghavan Venkataraghavan, an accomplished cricketer himself, who retired from cricket in protest after it became mandatory to wear kits with one’s full name on the back.'Very funny stuff U have here.

I know you should be some F**kin Northie who does not know other than Tamil & tamil nadu in South India.I dont know whats wrong within your ass you started criticizing people even without the facts being correct Your bloggong is like barking if you think Venkatesh Prasad was palying 92 world cup,G.R.Vishwananth was from Andhra with tamil name take you d**k out it in some mad dogs mouth so that something can be reason for your madness If you want to do somethign useful stop doing this & concentrate on others useful things.

vishy was rite handed from karnatak or mebbe i missed sumthin....its funny u cudnt make fun of tendulkarbut I guess most ppz wud then have sent h mails ;)even after reading the disclaimer....in generall tho i was rofl

I got this as an anonymous e-mail forward, more's the pity. Luckily, also happened to spot it on India Uncut as the "funniest post ever". Nice.

Venkatesh Prasad was great. I once commented to a cricket-crazy colleague that his main weapon was the "well disguised faster one". He laughed and laughed but noone of the 20 or so others I repeated it to found it as amusing. I guess this is the right forum to find a few like minds!

Some others, inspired by this post (yes I have included the Pakis as well!)

Maninder SinghHis collection of fine bats, all in excellent condition, rarely used, is the pride of Delhi. He took a lot of wickets with his unique brand of left arm spin and a strategy of bowling so slowly that most batsmen fell asleep waiting, only to wake to the ominous sound of a “howzzat”. He is unequivocally considered as India’s greatest spinner by every ex-cricketer by the name of Bishen Singh Bedi. Ravi Shastri once tried to put a supari on his head after being stranded at the other end with one to get in one too many matches. Enjoyed brief stints as umpire and TV commentator, the latter ending when too many people called DD’s helpline to complain of high-pitched whining emanating from their sets when he spoke.

Abdul RazzakAbdul Razzak was once touted as Pakistan’s great white all-round hope, but that was before Imran Khan dismissed him as “too ugly”. His name is derived from the Persian phrase Abd ul Razd darr’haq ul Hind or “I play well only against India”. Nobody outside the subcontinent has any recollection of him, which makes digging up his records difficult. He has no known documented fans.

Saeed AnwarHis CIA nickname is “The Beard”. He once scored 194 runs in a match against India, 192 of which came off Venkatesh Prasad. He holds the dubious distinction of being the only person in the Pakistani team that was on speaking terms with Aamer Sohail, though their conversation was usually restricted to “Yes”, “No” and occasionally, “Aaj Friday hai miya, haar nahi sakte inn kafiron se”.

Mohammed Yousuf His full name is Mohammed Narayan Yitzhak Yousuf, TAFKAY (the artist formerly known as Yohanna). Converted to Islam after attending a moving motivational session organized by captain Inzamam ul Haq titled “The team that prays together, loses together”. Shares a room with Danish Kaneria on tour, whom he affectionately calls “Mohammed”.

Hi Sidin,I am at gurgaon and came to know about this blog from India Uncut.You rock.I am going to add you in my roll of fame with scott adams(dilbert),boing boing,J V Rajan and amit varma.you'll be 5th and my favourite.

"p.s. Before anyone gets worked up I know they were all brilliant cricketers and all this is just a joke. Except of course in case of Venkatesh Prasad. So please relax. And dont send hate mail please..."

o jokester, do you recommend that cartoonists - especially danish ones - carry this reference in the future? would it save their ass, neck or head or some other body part? or would you advocate that we indians stop worshipping our cricketers, including the said prasad or not?

awesome post man. couldnt stop laughing..my supervisor had this weird look on his face and when i forwarded this to him, even he couldnt control his laughter..

just small piece of info..vishwanath was from karnataka nd a right handed batsman, while imran khan retired in 1992 after the world cup and venkatesh prasad was not on the international scene especially not during the 1992 world cup.

Sidin~Thou art the greatest!!Smitten by the drudgery of compiling my thesis and defending within the improbable space of the next 4 weeks, I chanced across your blog - if I dont shut down this browser window RIGHT NOW and move off, I think the girl sitting across me in the computer lab today, will have me thrown out of this library for grinning, guffawing and chuckling every few seconds .... honestly, the first time I read the "travails of the South Indian men", I managed to send some snot up my brain .....

You've given me a new lease of humor in these dark dreary days ..... there is hope and there is a tomorrow and I WILL graduate !!!!

Dude...i dunno if you are aware of this but your blog has reached corporate circles now...people are taking time outs because of aching stomachs and jaws(aching cos they read your blog!).....I for one, short of rolling on the floor, could be heard cubicles away! Hilarious would be an understatement!!!....keep it up and get that sequel done fast!!

will not hear any words of dishonour against v...e..n..k....a...t..e..s..h p..r..a.aa hh yawn.He was although a precisely mediocre dropper of the ball ..but he ...he was the only one who used to demonstrate by glares ,for the team the extent to which he was miffed and pissed after getting clobbered.