Tuesday, November 30, 2010

see, today i am 27. i mean, just look at that number. 27. this means, of course, that i am officially in my late twenties. excuse me while i go heave quietly in a corner and mourn my youth.

being an official Adult means all sorts of fun things. it means that it is officially time for me to act like a Boring Grown Up!

for example: 1) Young Sarah would bounce out of bed, then remember she has an arthritic right knee that clicks and grinds, as well as a crick in her neck from sleeping (!!!) and what she affectionately refers to as her "pop hip." (see music and lyrics for reference on the "pop hip.")

whereas, Adult Sarah gets out of bed, trips over her own feet, then remembers she has an arthritic knee, a crick in her neck, and a pop hip, in addition to possibly being dead. responsibly, she takes her own pulse. still alive...but just barely.

2.) Young Sarah would put off her homework in order to eat dinner, figuring that 15 minutes will be more than enough time to complete her research paper after watching the big bang theory.

whereas, Adult Sarah eats dinner WHILE she does her homework, because multitasking is a totally Grown Up thing to do. upon sitting down, Adult Sarah absentmindedly rests her elbow upon her spoon, thereby showering her face with rice and teriyaki sauce. she proceeds to laugh so hard she gives herself hiccups and knocks everything off of the left side of her desk, sending her roommate into a terrified frenzy. sorry, rob.

3. Young Sarah would get annoyed with the salvation army bell ringers since she already donated at the last four stores, and try to figure out alternate entrances into stores so she doesn't have to deal with the judgmental looks.

whereas, Adult Sarah realizes that this particular bell ringer has no idea whether she's donated before or not, and what could a handful of change from the bottom of her purse hurt? feeling good about donating to the salvation army, she smiles cheerily at the bell ringer and drops the change in, wishing him a happy holiday season. then, Totally Grown Up Sarah walks straight into the sign attached to the bucket. ouch.

4. Young Sarah would be lazy about harvesting the tangerines from the tree in the backyard, and try to pay her tall roommates to do it.

whereas, Adult Sarah has Adult Bills and can't afford to pay anyone off. so she puts on her big girl pants and marches outside, where she gets her hair stuck in the branches of the evil tree. rather than call out for help, she figures that since she's stuck, she may as well make herself useful, and therefor picks a whole grocery bag full of tangerines, which she will commence selling on the freeway off ramp to make money to pay her tall roommates to get themselves stuck instead.

happy birthday to me!!! i'm now gonna do a celebratory shot of metamucil and gin. goodnight, cleveland!