I’ve struggled with weight and body image my entire life. And I know what you’re thinking…”why do you do outfit/fashion posts if you’re not comfortable with the way you look.”

And yes, sometimes I question that.

But then I remember that this is me. That whether I weigh 140 pounds or 110 pounds, this is me, where I am in my life right now. That after two very different pregnancies and the birth of two amazing children, this is where I am. That without time to go to the gym, this is the body I must learn to embrace for the time being.

You know that whole “if you don’t like something, change it” thing? Yeah, it’s kind of hard when you have two kids, a husband who works a lot, no family to help with your kids, etc. I’m not throwing myself a pity party or making excuses, but rather being honest. I know, so many people do it every single day. They either take their kids to daycare or the nursery at the gym and get their grind on. So maybe I’m making an excuse or maybe it’s my anxiety taking over. But I can’t seem to find the time and motivation to get there yet. I know I will, I just haven’t yet.

But I got to thinking the other day. That even at the lowest weight I’ve ever been, I’m still “unhappy” with my body. Not as unhappy as I’ve been in the past, but I still find myself picking my body apart. And why? Why do I do that? I know people will say it’s “the media” or “our culture” and maybe subconsciously it is. But it’s just how I feel. At 5’2” and with a small frame, I’m meant to be small. And I have a hard time when I start to stray from that.

Will I ever be happy with my body? Who knows. And I know that is only a portion of who I am, and that it’s what on the inside that matters. But how I feel on the outside determines how I feel on the inside too. My level of confidence and my happiness has to somewhat come from how I feel about myself. And that it’s a daily struggle to find that balance between being content and hating the person I see in the mirror.

I was faced with a decision yesterday…picking out prints from my Mommy and Me session. And all I could think about was how fat my face looked or how ugly my hair was. Do you think my kids are going to care about those things years down the road when they have those pictures to look back on? Do you think they’ll even notice anything but our smiles and the fun we were having? I don’t think so. Because when I look at old pictures of my mom and me, all I notice is her beautiful smile and the look in her eyes. The look of love.

So why do I do outfit posts? Because I’m a real person. I’m not a 5’10”, 115 pound model. Which I think most of us aren’t. I don’t have long beautiful locks and perfect tan skin. I’m short. I have problem spots. I’m pale. My hair doesn’t always cooperate. I have occasional blemishes. I struggle to take a shower everyday and sometimes don’t wash my hair for three days. And that’s real life. That’s the real struggle. We’re allowed to be real.

I seriously commend those women who run a household, work full-time or stay-at-home with the kids and find the time to have rockin’ bods. And maybe one day I will figure out how to do the same. But for now, I need to learn to appreciate the body I have and either learn to embrace it or find the time to do something about it. I keep putting off joining the gym because I’ve been so swamped with work, life, Z’s job, you name it. But I’m really hoping that in the next few weeks, I will find that time I need. To work on my time management and get on a schedule in more than one facet of my life. I’d say I have my shit together about 80% of the time… so other 20%? I’m coming for you…