2013

Kate Hudson

She wants to be there for her and her wedding. She goes back to NYC and Dex is sitting on her stoop. What’s he gonna say? Rachel tells him to go because she’s exhausted of the BS and Dex says…

I called off the wedding.

Rachel doesn’t jump up and down. She’s calm and she wants to know if Dex spilled that they had an affair. Dex thanks Rachel for finally asking for what she wanted and he apologizes for not taking his chance with Rachel. The journey to these two characters getting together was dull but it’s nice that they are together but now Darcy is at the door and she sounds crazed. She announces that she called off the wedding. Kate Hudson looks and sounds like her mother, Goldie Hawn. Darcy confesses that she slept with Marcus. Rachel is gobsmacked. Darcy is pregnant. Rachel is gobsmacked. Darcy is a super shallow sprite who has found her super shallow dreamboat. She leaves but returns and sees Dex’ jacket because Rachel has to be punished for cheating on Dex AND Darcy.

If we don’t get a wedding, we deserve a blow up. Darcy is furious but I do think that’s bullsh*t. She’s got nothing to be angry about.

Two months later…
Rachel bumps into Darcy on a city street. Darcy is standoffish. Rachel is apologetic and tells her she misses her. I don’t think this relationship should be salvaged. Rachel was Darcy’s doormat and Darcy loved having her as a doormat. Darcy says she’s happy. Rachel says good. That’s closure. Uh oh I have a feeling in my chest where longing and regret collide and turn into ache.

And it’s a happy ending because Dex and Rachel finally stopped putting themselves second and found their way to each other.

Ethan is cheeky and for some reason, he hates Dex & Darcy. I don’t blame him, because they are thoughtless selfish people. In the badminton game, Ethan proposes to play badminton in exchange for secrets. Darcy spills the erroneous ‘secret’ of Ethan having sex with Rachel (rom com ding). Now Rachel is a complete loser for hitting Ethan in the nose. Finally, Ethan loses it and breaks it down for the doormat. She calls him an a**hole and he says ‘yeah but i’m the only a**hole here who gives a sh*t about you.’ I like that. He’s not passive and not sugarcoating for Rachel’s little fantasy world.

It seems to wake Rachel up because when Dex goes to her, she finally tells Dex to figure stuff out without her. She echoes Ethan’s words: ‘Just decide!’ And she is now walking in the rain (rom com ding) — a plot device that should be shot. And another flashback to the night that Dex met Darcy where she walks out crying because well Dex is the guy she loves and she’s telling herself that she’s lost him forever instead of just telling him she loves him. Back to present day. She runs back to tell him that she shouldn’t have left that night. She asks him to cancel the wedding. ‘I love you. I’ve always loved you.’

She bumps into Marcus in some park and Marcus is telling her about how he can’t get up for her to masturbate because he associates her with failure. And she says he’s charming. Dull. But Marcus also shares that Darcy and Dex are looking at houses in Westchester. Rachel looks gobsmacked. Cut to Rachel calls Darcy to register her rage in a that rom compassive aggressive way: via cell phone. Rachel also lies that Marcus is circumsized. Trying to make an engaged dude jealous seems sad, lame and counterproductive. But now you know why I don’t write romantic comedies.

Bachelorette party night and Darcy ends up spending the night at Rachel’s and of course, Dex calls because he wants to come up. Rachel has to pretend that it’s Ethan and now Darcy wants to do the ‘Push It‘ dance with Rachel. There should be a law in these movies that r&b/hip hop shouldn’t be the conduit for people to have fun or become their truer selves. It’s trite, tiresome and lame. Again why I don’t write romantic comedies.

Now Darcy is having a heart to heart with Rachel about being totally accepted by Rachel because she’s thinking about getting married and what a big part of her life Rachel is. Is Rachel going to confess how much she loves her best friend’s fiance? No because Darcy — in her way–hijacks the confession with ‘I love you.’ Dangerous words in life, but especially in a romantic comedy (rom com ding).

Like this:

I just turned on SOMETHING BORROWED and it’s the scene where Kate Hudson’s Darcy is trying on her wedding dress (rom com ding) and crying (rom com ding), I think, to see what her mascara will look like on her actual wedding day. Cut to flash back of Ginnifer Goodwin in law school with her classmate, Dex. I’m going to figure out Ginnifer Goodwin’s character name. Next scene is Ginnifer and Dex in a bar about to have that amazing sexy connection when Darcy shows up ans steals — Ginnifer’s character’s name is Rachel!– and Dex away. Rachel sees her crush slipping away. Flashback ends and Darcy tells Rachel — the poor pathetic dateless Rachel (rom com ding) that she has a man for her. With friends like Darcy, you might as well get the Ben & Jerry’s and stay the f*ck home.