Monday, April 18, 2005

Anger Management

I realized this weekend that becoming a more kinder and gentler HumanityCritic will take some time. Let me explain. I have a friend who is a shrink and she was telling me that I have anger issues(no shit), and that I should practice going a week without cursing someone out, or making fucked up comments to them. I figured it was simple enough, I can be a all around nice guy for a week. Boy was I wrong, and a week of being nice blew up in my face in the course of a weekend.

Neighborhood kid: Ok, this guy is 20 but he acts like a kid. I showed absolute restraint towards him after he did the following things to me. 1)When I was pulling into my neigborhood he was right behind me, so he hit the accelerator and jumped right in front of me. This is a residential neighborhood by the way, and he damn side swiped me. I did nothing, restraint. 2)Then he was speeding down my street and not only left a ugly skid mark in front of the crib, but damn near hit my car..

When I lost it: I was pretty proud of myself that I didn't curse the young man out. I felt that I could show restraint, and be a calm and mild mannered part of society. That was until Saturday, when his friends were playing basketball in the street. I approached them with my car trying to pass, they see me and they don't budge. I politely honk the horn and they still don't budge. (Devil appears on shoulder) Devil: Hey Critic, this cat thinks you are a punk. By cutting you off, leaving skid marks in front of the crib, now his ass won't get out of the way. handle that! I jump out of the car and yell, "Get your motherfucking asses out of the street!! Would you like me to move you?? They promptly moved out of the way and I heard one of them say, Dude, he's pissed". As I drove off i realized that I had just pissed away that good deed by acting all postal. Shit.

Getty Mart Dude: OK, I have given this guy so much rope that I had to strangle him with it, albeit verbally. I didn't realize how much shit I took off of him until recently, so when I blew up at him it was due to months of nonsense that came out of his mouth. For one thing, when I enter the establishment he says "Yo-Yo" in a mockingly stereotypical fashion. Then, I don't know if he did this on purpose, but he would ask me questions about race while wearing a t-shirt with the confederate flag on it. I shit you not. Lastly, I bought 3 dollars worth of gas to put in my lawnmower. When I paid the money he said, "Who puts 3 dollars in their cars nowadays, are times that rough??" I pointed to the gas can on top of my car and said, "It is for my lawnmower you inbred jackass."

When I lost it: I went to his establishment to get some gas and he repeated, "Are you going to put three dollars in your tank again?? Ha, ha". I then issued the following diatribe. "Motherfucker, how many times are you going to say the same ridiculous shit?? You know I was getting gas for my lawnmower! Or are you so socially retarded that is all your silly ass can come up with?? Oh, and if you ask me anything to do with race wearing a confederate t-shirt I'm going to choke you with it!" He told me never come back but I knew that was a fake threat because I'm cool with the owner. This morning when I saw him he simply said "How much gas are you getting?"

Ex Girlfriend: This particular ex girlfriend I am cool with so this is going to be difficult. OK, I have been letting her slide because for a long time she has said that she broke up with me, which is technically the truth. But the problem is she tells anyone that will listen that particular fact, and she declares it with a sort of weird glee. This has been bothering me for some time but I never thought it was that important to address it.

When I lost it: I went to a function where she was attending and she went into the story of her breaking up with me in front of a group of strangers. I felt like Mike Tyson when he was being interviewed by Barbara Walters and Robin Givens was telling her how much of a monster he was. I interrupted her and said the following: "I have been hearing you tell this story over and over and its time to clarify our past relationship. The only regret is that I wasn't cold hearted enough to break up with you months before. The relationship was wack and you literally bored the shit out of me, I was a coward at the time but I sabotaged that relationship. Do you know who was the happiest when we broke up? Me! So please, when you tell that story keep that in mind." She called me and told me that she would never mention that story again.

Childhood Nemesis: When I was a kid I knew this guy named Steve. Steve was cool with my group of friends and he seemed like a pretty cool guy. Steve was also known for getting into fights so we knew not to mess with him. One day we are playing football and I guess Steve was pissed at me because I had tackled him extremely hard. Steve got in my face and I stood there like "What?" He then hit me in the face three quick times knocking me down. I was 10, and not yet skilled in the sweet science of boxing, so I was on the ground tearing up from the ass whipping. Fast forward 20 years and I have seen Steve many times. He has been cool, but he tends to mention that particular fight which happened more than 20 YEARS AGO! He says, "Boy did I beat your ass that day" and similar sentiments like that. The reason I haven't really responded is because Steve is currently a drug addict, and I feel that God has punished that poor bastard enough.

When I lost it: This past weekend I see Steve in my neighborhood bar with some of his druggie friends. He says, "HumanityCritic, whats up?" I am nice and greet him back. Over the course of a few minutes he tells his friends how he beat my ass, and that I "cried like a bitch." I can feel myself getting mad but I try to think about things that bring me peace.(i.e long walks, flowers, the end of Jah Rules career) After he goes on for about 10 more minutes the following diatribe comes out of my mouth. "Motherfucker, how pathetic do you have to be to talk about a fight that happened more than 20 years ago, when we were eleven for Christs sake?? Get over it! But Steve, a lot has happened in 20 years, a brother has gotten stronger and tougher, so what do you say we go outside so I can show you my progress. Bring your dope fein friends too just to make it interesting. What do you say??" Steve made a comment that I should calm down and walked away and that was that. I bet I won't be hearing about any 20 year beat-down anytime soon.

Damn, a weeks worth of progress pissed away in one weekend. My shrink friend is reading this so she knows the setback I had. I guess its back to the drawing board.

okay, since you can't go without having to defend yourself or someone, try doing it without cursing. see if you could at least make progress that way... then again, ur getting this from someone who agrees with your reaction in every single one of these scenarios.

Fuck that, you don't need to change shit. If you ask me you're performing an important public service. Those assholes need to be checked. I'm never too busy to put a moron in their place. Keep up the good work. It'll only help make the world a better place.

That reminds me of my bestfriend's man, who never hesitates to cuss someone out. One day he was in Lowes and was getting keys made. The chick behind the counter acted as if his request was a huge inconvenience. She rolled her eyes, huffed while making the keys. When she was done, she flung the keys across the counter to him, no thank you or have a nice day. He calmly picked up the keys look at her and said "Thanks Bitch."

Dude, a brotha has to be pretty "pathetic" to bring up an old fight that happened 2 decades earlier. What the? But your comeback was priceless! "so what do you say we go outside so I can show you my progress": Totally smoking man.

Let's say it all together now -- woooo saaaaaw!Critic, you need to tune into the next session of "Sit and Be Fit" pronto or else little kids are gonna start walking on the other side of your street!Yo, BronxgrlnVA -- ur not helping his crisis -- but that comment was hilarious :)

I been trying to stop cussing but I always lose it in traffic...I even started using replacement words like "crickey". I figure it sounds to funny to be bad. But stupid drivers are ruining my progress.

Now, I understand why I changed my major from psychology back in the day. I agree with what you did in every instance. Every instance! Ask your friend if I might have an anger management issue, too. LOL

I think I just lost it. I don't understand why you would want to go without letting the anger out and then just be ****** off all day but not be able to tell anyone about it. The issues that result from that might be worse that the ones you have now. But then again, I'm not a psychiatrist...but perhaps I am in need of one.

As for the people you lost it on, I don't think you did them wrong, quite the opposite. The kids in the street are less likely to be run over. The ex girlfriend is less likely to make herself look stupid, and your childhood nemesis is less likely to get an asswhippin. There's no hope for the Getty mart guy, you can't win em all.

Dude.You have got to tell me where this GettyMart is. I'll bat my lil cracker eyelashes at him and then bust out with, "OOOOH, I know who YOU are! You're that asshole I was reading about on the internet! HA!"Seriously.I gotta wonder about the owner, even if you are cool with him. If my employee came in wearing a Confederate flag anything I'd turn his ass back around out the door.Buuuuh bye. I've blogged about Confederate flags before. Back in Asheville, NC I would see em all over. I always thought they were fabulous warning systems.T-shirt: WARNING! Fucknut approaching!Flag in window of house: WARNING! House of Dumbasses!Flag on car: WARNING! Fuckface behind wheel! Danger! Danger!