Casting ‘Inglorious Bastards’

Photo: Getty Images

The news that an impatient Quentin Tarantino has already flown to France to talk new daddy Brad Pitt into starring in his ridiculous and awesome World War II epic Inglorious Bastards means that it’s open season on the many, many juicy roles in Tarantino’s 165-page screenplay. The motor-mouthed auteur has over the past ten years floated a list of possible names that reads like a who’s who of eighties action stars: Schwarzenegger, Willis, Stallone, and more. Will any of these guys actually be in the movie? We have no idea. But who would they play? We took a look through the script to figure it out … and to make some casting suggestions of our own.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Schwarzenegger must surely have been Tarantino’s first choice to play Colonel Landa, the clever and cruel SS officer who serves as the movie’s primary villain. That said, the script’s current version of Landa seems crafty rather than powerful, and anyway, there’s no chance the governor of California will play a Nazi known as “the Jew Hunter.”Who should play the role? Tim Roth. (Update: Tarantino is reportedly in talks with Leonardo DiCaprio about the role.)

Bruce Willis: Could Tarantino have been thinking of Willis to play Lieutenant Aldo Raine, the “Tennessee hillbilly” who leads the Inglorious Bastards into battle? If so, that’s the role that we’re pretty sure he’s offering to Brad Pitt, so tough luck, Bruce.Who should play the role? Pitt.

Michael Madsen: For several years, Madsen was the only actor “confirmed” to appear in Inglorious Bastards, in the role of “Babe Buchinsky” — a part that no longer exists. Perhaps that character turned into Donny Donowitz, “the Bear Jew,” who uses his baseball bat to beat Nazis to death and is at one point compared to Babe Ruth. But Madsen doesn’t seem as good in the role as …

Adam Sandler: Another name floated by Tarantino, and the perfect actor to play Donowitz, who at one point in flashback stands outside a Boston sporting-goods shop, swinging a bat in a wild frenzy of beating imaginary Nazis to death, shouting, “Take that ya Nazi bastard! You like fuckin’ with the Jews? The American Jews are gonna FUCK with you!” Then he walks back in the store and asks, “Is this the heaviest ya got?”Who should play the role? Sandler.

Sylvester Stallone: We have no idea who Stallone could play. He’s not really right for any of the Bastards, as none of them seem old enough to be played by Sly. Maybe some kind of proto-Rambo appeared in Tarantino’s early, 600-page draft?

Eddie Murphy: The only black character in Inglorious Bastards is Marcel, the French projectionist in the movie theater run by the movie’s heroine Shosanna. It’s a pretty good part, although Murphy seems too American to handle the all-French-language dialogue — and we don’t think even famed career resuscitator Tarantino wants to take on the train wreck that is Eddie Murphy.Who should play the role? Isaach De Bankolé.

The news that an impatient Quentin Tarantino has already flown to France to talk new daddy Brad Pitt into starring in his ridiculous and awesome World War II epic Inglorious Bastards means that it’s open season on the many, many juicy roles in Tarantino’s 165-page screenplay. The motor-mouthed auteur has over the past ten years floated a list of possible names that reads like a who’s who of eighties action stars: Schwarzenegger, Willis, Stallone, and more. Will any of these guys actually be in the movie? We have no idea. But who would they play? We took a look through the script to figure it out … and to make some casting suggestions of our own.