Trolloscope – March 2017

You’re going to have to work on your birthday. After work you’ll end up splitting a sad appetizer at Chili’s with your coworker that you only kind of like.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19)

A friend of a friend will borrow one of your cutest pairs of shoes for a night out … and she’ll puke all over them.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20)

That cute guy you’ve been chatting it up with on Tinder who seems too good to be real? You’re right! You’re getting Catfished.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20)

You’re going to order a shit ton of Chinese delivery for just yourself. They’ll put four forks in the bag. It’s going to be depressing af.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22)

You’re going to try out an edgy new outfit this month. The second you leave your house you’ll immediately feel self-conscious about it, but it’ll be too late and you’ll have a terrible night.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22)

At some point this month you’re going to get very drunk and do something very embarrassing. It’ll take people awhile to forget about it.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22)

You’re going to have to go to some very early morning work function. They will only have decaf coffee.

Libra (9/23 – 10/21)

The guy you’ve been texting a lot lately will stop using cute emojis and the replies will get further and further apart. #beginningoftheend

Scorpio (10/22 – 11/21)

You’ll be on the verge of a very necessary shit out in public. When you make it to the bathroom, there will be someone else in there, sitting silently on the toilet, waiting for you to leave so they can drop a load. You’ll stay in this awkward silent bathroom stand off for too long until you, defeated, finally leave.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21)

Your tax return is going to suck this year.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19)

Your favorite band is going on tour soon and not coming anywhere near Joplin.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18)

You’re going to find a bag full of money on the sidewalk. You’ll decide to do the right thing and turn it into the police station. They tell you that if no one claims it after 30 days, it’s yours. The owner claims it on day 29.