Jessica Simpson to become theology scholar (And other news stuff)

The Superficial News to get you through your Friday. Can anyone else almost taste that liquor? Oh, right, I filled my coffee mug with bourbon. (Tastes like happy.):

- Jessica Simpson wants to major in religion after seeing a documentary on “The Da Vinci Code.” For the love of God, why is nobody making this woman watch documentaries on Jenna Jameson?! [The Sun]

- A-Rod says he’s only friends with Madonna and “that’s it.” This is the only celebrity denial I’ll believe based solely on the fact there are vampire bats in Madonna’s vagina. [People]

- Heath Ledger’s final resting place is having a hard time finding tenants. Locals say it’s haunted by two skeletons in fur coats who can make things “look like an accident.” [Page Six]

- Tea Leoni and David Duchovny are back together. He’s agreed to give up Internet porn while she’s agreed to stop making him have sex on a towel even though they just got this comforter, dammit. [Star]