The Science Creative Quarterly

EXPLAINING OUR WORLD: SCIENCE VS. CREATIONISM

Science: Our predecessors had tails, and we retain these bones because our gluteus maximus and other muscles need something to anchor them. The coccyx also serves as a shock absorber when we fall on our rump.

Creationism: Ironic that science would use such a tall tale to explain a short one. Ha! Ha! But seriously folks. There’s no such thing. Science just likes to slip dirty words, like that c-word it just used, into our everyday language as part of their War on Traditional Family Values.

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Male Nipples

Science: They serve no purpose and exist because of a lack of sexual dimorphism in the early embryo. Male mammals have nipples because females have mammary glands.

Creationism: Wrong again Science. Nipples feel good and arouse people to procreate, as the Designer wants us to. Everybody knows breasts are for sex. That’s why our kids were all bottle fed at birth, to prevent them from growing up into unnatural perverts who use c-words.

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Goose Bumps

Science: This is a vestigial characteristic of our skin that goes back to when our predecessors still had fur. In cold weather, the goose bumps would make the fur stand up, increasing it’s ability to hold in heat.

Creationism: Oh! Did you hear that? Did you hear? Science just admitted its relatives were furry! My kids are soooo gonna tease your kids on the playground on that embarrassing admission! Next topic.

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The Vermiform Appendix

Science: In our ancestors, this organ was much larger and served as a reservoir of bacteria and fermentation chamber for digesting cellulose. Many herbivores today have large appendixes that help them digest plants, while ours serves little purpose and will often get infected, needing surgical removal.

Creationism: I think Alfred Sherwood Romer and Thomas S. Parsons said it best, “Its major importance would appear to be financial support of the surgical profession.” Even scientists admit the Intelligent Designer gives them purpose!

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Menopause

Science: Menopause prevents a female from baring offspring at a time in her life when she would most likely not live to raise them to maturity. Instead, the older female may now devote her energies to raising her existing offsprings’ offspring, her grandchildren.

Creationism: Why don’t you just come out and say it? Women go through menopause to become Grandmothers! See? Family values! God-I mean, the Designer obviously supports Family Values!

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The Plica Semilunaris

Science: This fleshy part of our inner eye is what’s left of our predecessors’ third eyelid, or Nictitating membrane, which is found in many mammals and some fish. It serves no purpose in humans.

Creationism:Au contraire mon frere! It does so serve a purpose! It produces eye-boogers, and eye-boogers are great social-equalizers. Even the Pope gets eye-boogers!1

1 With apologies to Berke Breathed.

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Hemorrhoids, Hernias, and Hiccups

Science: The result of our blood vessels being selected for an active lifestyle rather than sitting in a chair all day, the result of a hole in the muscle wall in the groin to provide a pathway for the testicles to move from our ancestor’s internal placement to our present external placement, and a vestigial signal from our brainstem from when our ancestors had gills.

Creationism: Inconveniences of the flesh meant to test our faith while we wait to die and go to the afterlife.

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Why Be Good?

Science: Because natural selection occasionally favors species that show altruism to one another.

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