Friday, July 27, 2007

Are You a Drunk Astronaut?

Drunk astronauts are easy to spot on earth (except if you're NASA), but what about in outer space? Not so easy.

NASA probably has powdered beer in space, because NASA knows how to prioritize. It's like Tang. Except it's beer. So what do you do when you feel your fellow astronaut might be orbiting under the influence? Nothing, because you're an astronaut and you're drunk too.

Let's say there were interstellar law enforcement spaceships that could police the area around earth (Who cares about the other planets really?). Typical symptoms of drunk driving wouldn't apply. First of all, flying isn't driving and secondly there's nothing to run into in space anyway.

Appearing to be drunk : "I'm just hungover."

Turning with wide radius : Take all the space you want. I hear there's a lot of it. From my friends who are astronauts.

Slow speed: "The sun was in my eyes."

Almost striking object or vehicle : Doesn't matter as long as you don't actually hit a satellite or earth. I'm partial to earth. Smash as many asteroids as you'd like. Someone just made a game about doing that recently. In 1979.

Driving on other than designated roadway : Fine, so let's say you're driving a rover on Mars or the moon or something, and you're a little tipsy. If things get hairy you can jump off and float to safety. Or float away forever and die in cold black darkness, because you felt just fine to drive. Didn't you?

Weaving & Swerving : "I was reaching for my harder drugs."

Stopping without cause. : The pilot thought he saw a monkey riding a dog.

Signaling inconsistent with driving actions : They must've been drunk, because I didn't see any hazard lights before the crash.

Accelerating or decelerating rapidly : "Officer, I wouldn't be in space if I hadn't accelerated rapidly."

Standard field sobriety tests are also relatively useless in space.

One leg stand. : No gravity!

Walk heel-toe in a straight line and turn. : Space-walks are
extremely dangerous and by the time one is scheduled, the
offender might not be drunk anymore. The suspect
will also look like they're walking on air, except they won't be, because
there isn't any.

Breathe into a portable or preliminary breath tester. : Once you step outside the vehicle, nobody's breathing.

Comments

Are You a Drunk Astronaut?

Drunk astronauts are easy to spot on earth (except if you're NASA), but what about in outer space? Not so easy.

NASA probably has powdered beer in space, because NASA knows how to prioritize. It's like Tang. Except it's beer. So what do you do when you feel your fellow astronaut might be orbiting under the influence? Nothing, because you're an astronaut and you're drunk too.

Let's say there were interstellar law enforcement spaceships that could police the area around earth (Who cares about the other planets really?). Typical symptoms of drunk driving wouldn't apply. First of all, flying isn't driving and secondly there's nothing to run into in space anyway.

Appearing to be drunk : "I'm just hungover."

Turning with wide radius : Take all the space you want. I hear there's a lot of it. From my friends who are astronauts.

Slow speed: "The sun was in my eyes."

Almost striking object or vehicle : Doesn't matter as long as you don't actually hit a satellite or earth. I'm partial to earth. Smash as many asteroids as you'd like. Someone just made a game about doing that recently. In 1979.

Driving on other than designated roadway : Fine, so let's say you're driving a rover on Mars or the moon or something, and you're a little tipsy. If things get hairy you can jump off and float to safety. Or float away forever and die in cold black darkness, because you felt just fine to drive. Didn't you?

Weaving & Swerving : "I was reaching for my harder drugs."

Stopping without cause. : The pilot thought he saw a monkey riding a dog.

Signaling inconsistent with driving actions : They must've been drunk, because I didn't see any hazard lights before the crash.

Accelerating or decelerating rapidly : "Officer, I wouldn't be in space if I hadn't accelerated rapidly."

Standard field sobriety tests are also relatively useless in space.

One leg stand. : No gravity!

Walk heel-toe in a straight line and turn. : Space-walks are
extremely dangerous and by the time one is scheduled, the
offender might not be drunk anymore. The suspect
will also look like they're walking on air, except they won't be, because
there isn't any.

Breathe into a portable or preliminary breath tester. : Once you step outside the vehicle, nobody's breathing.