other writings

03.18

awoke insipid
maybe even angry
yet pushed on
walk number one
music always helps
as in, hands on music
I played and my mood changed
but before that, I had walked some more
walk number two
I have little patience for the non walkers
yes that’s judgmental and yes they might have their reasons
I don’t care to hear
Sunday means words spoken into a microphone
and despite my proclivity to distrust most Sunday speakers
I think the world of mine
and today
today is for me
I will perhaps tell him in a day or so
but for now
I process
and realize
this day I chose to set apart for this very purpose
to process and now
I want to bawl but those who are hands on cannot pause
the band plays on, so to speak
so I wait
and walk home
I guess I’ll call it walk number 2 and a half
I cry a bit (kind of) and talk to myself a bit
do others walk down the sidewalk chattering to themselves?
I finally feel some relief
remarkably yet I fear
what about tomorrow?
how will I awake?
wrecked, confounded, free?
I hesitate
yet decide after a phone call and chores
to walk yet again
walk number three
I don’t consider it exercise
because it’s only walking
a total of six miles
is that far? not really
I’ve ran that far without stopping…maybe you have too
I know what I need and I know what I want
therefore, I must mesh the two
or change one but you can’t change what’s needed
therefore
I consider community
the word on my mind today
I walked through mine, 3 times
each time seeing something new
so much push and pull
for a neighborhood
mine yours his hers
does it matter?
I’ve read books which say, resolutely absolutely
yet I consider perhaps I am the same no matter
maybe actually more me somewhere else
or is here where I am to be
the only way to find is to seek
and I realized today that’s what I haven’t
sought
oh I have dabbled but not yet gotten down to the seeking
where do I go?
the message of today
metaphorical and literal and a rather blatant reminder
my three Lenten words
surrender
heal
encourage
I have lost focus
discipline
I am lacking therefore I decide to begin
again
right now in the familiar
though I imagine soon it will not be so
sameness yet a new day
March is the transition
winter into spring
what will transpire will inevitably inspire
I am actually cheerful
strangely awash in joy
could it simply be today’s sunshine
notes played?
or is it the future
community
I just need a place to walk

02.11

awake!
early hour
and I question
why cannot I sleep
the middle of the night hour
has been pushed
slowly forward
yet now
to return to sleep seems unnecessary
so I photograph my work
light some candles
drink my healthy drink
yet before
before I arose
I considered
and cried
asking God aloud
while listening to the rain
perhaps I am off track
yet it makes sense
maybe only to me
do you ever, ever consider?
too soon
too late
I remember
a thought, dream, pseudo vision
sorta not
sunshine and colors
happy faces
everyone a role to fill
except one and now
I wonder
if it all is right
reasonable but more
perfect in a worldly way
tied together with a bow
simple and elegant
except
what if I’m wrong
and even if right
should I allow myself to consider
that which means
finality
in a very different way
road, path, journey
abrupt turn and a future
wholly, solely unlike
what I envisioned
what do I want?
ask God and he asks back
says my friend but I hear silence
so I ask again, aloud, since I’m alone
and I feel, somewhat steady
which is a relief
anything but total anguish though is a relief
why can’t I have what I see
today
the dream is beautiful
is it enough
my mind says it has to be, therefore
my heart knows the bittersweet
I do not want that day to be though
unfair to all
should I once again, hide the thought?
bury it and pretend
or release and see

01.24

what if I stop
writing about the particulars
pages and pages of journal entries
foreboding grief and questions
stop and only write about joy
what gives me joy
not hope
no ethereal tidbit based on nothing
but today’s joy
sharing work with a high schooler
showing him an aspect he knew nothing of
a walk for coffee with a friend
even in the bitter cold
joy
baking cupcakes for a class
hearing a lady in the fabric store
planning to sew her own Easter dress
is that not fabulous?
that gives me joy
yards and yards of fleece
so kids can serve
a reminder pink was once
my favorite color
I can run
a beautiful daughter
bright, articulate, and she cares
so she is pained
yet there is joy in knowing she cares
a son as well
talented and witty and a support
though he might not realize
he has assumed a burden no one asks for
and I applaud from a distance
joys
despite my loathing of January
all the questions unanswered
guns and judgement
I try to remember
the sun
happy news from a friend
what I know he needs desperately
provision in small degrees
opportunities and escapes
music in vast varieties
love, even though
joy knowing
I am not what I feel today
books written
bold grace
joy despite
all else

01.19

days come and go
but some linger
reminding
year after year
even if I skip a time or two
that something happened
a significant occurrence
which melded
created
formed within
a bond

no matter how hard we try
or desire to
the day cannot be erased
even with time
a day in the middle
in between
January
I remember
all of it lovely
joyful
so very me
a favorite place
yet
today is far removed
the bond is broken
only memories remain
photos
and two beautiful people, we created
plus a ring, now unworn
and I cry

I cry for so much more as well
so please, do not feel sorry
in regards to us
all is well in that venue
I do not miss or long for
but I remember nonetheless
a boy, a girl, a story
and hopes
I sometimes detest what I’ve become
because it, to some, equals failure
and my dad is a play to win kinda guy
my greatest wish much of the time to make him proud
which he is, I know
always, always on my side
even if I have doubted
my mother, my biggest cheerleader in youth
handed the baton to my children
who clap their hands in adoration

the story though
which began in January years ago
ended
I was not the heroine
only a character, astoundingly
proudly I scream I should have been more
it doesn’t matter now
even though
the voices yell
not enough. not enough. not enough
never ever will be
so it seems

hope though
lingers
despite what I know as fact
I do not detest
only dislike
who and what we became
note I include myself
I am resilient
and capable
challenging anyone who believes
they are without fault
or not inclined to fall
because who would have ever thought
our story would end
like a Tolstoy novel
ends, dramatically
nothing at all like the boy and girl
on the swings, in the park
all those years ago
oh, don’t imagine
it can’t happen to you

I abhor the cold and long for
in January, the ocean
sun and beach bonfires
salt and sand and no inclination
the sky could ever yield snow
we should have never, ever
left the place
I was made for that place
I realize now, but yet too late
I am here, where we came
as you are
so long, too late

where do I belong
I whisper
back in the sunshine
or here
or elsewhere
I ask myself what I want
and the answer
compels me to swim
to a place before the day
in January
although I can’t quite
recollect the exactness
I strive, kicking, arms against the current
and see
a girl
not quite blond
smiling, hoping
we can play some music
and talk about Hemingway
dreams
I shoulda chosen
a boy who plays guitar
because that’s who always
chose me
yet

a day in the library
so many days at the park
please write me a song
even though
I have strayed so far
from who I am
compliment my green eyes
funny he never did
never ever, ever did
did he not notice
or just not feel inclined
it matters not, today
only who matters today
yet to be
or never
I cannot discern
because we never, ever know
who and what come what may
don’t be deceived
I yell to the self righteous
and question those who reassure
he loves you not or not enough
never ever ever enough
the boy who plays guitar will always
play guitar
yet you will fail and so will she

01.10.18

run the gamut
does anyone say that?
I do, so someone does
my thoughts do just that
run the gamut
between yes and no
do and don’t
stay and go
be and whatever is the opposite
I am pulled
not with the wind
but between magnetic forces
which convince me
moment by moment
which is the right
which is the wrong
then reversed I begin again
how am I so indecisive
how am I so unsure
yet also at the exact time
so absolutely certain
I question my stability
my sense of urgency ensues
preaching to me
screaming my name
I have to be right
or else
yet cannot I wait until tomorrow
money and time and so many tears
all the pressure I place
upon myself
screams at me
vehemently
you must do something
and you must not err
so I do nothing
out of fear of regret
even though
so I relinquish
if only in my mind
and take steps
telling myself it’s something
but is it?
doubtful I sleep then I wake up
prematurely
seeking an answer
a clue, a sign, a beacon of hope
which comes yet I question
based on my latest whim
which is so much more than that
no one knows
anything
Someone knows all
and I am awake
always, always awake
questioning why I bother
yet I know
why
and I hate myself for the why
yet I cheer myself on all the same
be me or become
am I stuck, submerged
or am I growing?
up and out and beautiful
what an odd scenario
yet to be normal
is to lose
to die
to bore
to fabricate
if I accept the ordinary
I submit to all I abhor
and that’s the crux
the meaning
the entirety
I have to be
me
doomed or adored
christened to fail
or destined
to succeed
hope
what a word
I cling to
even though
hope makes absolutely no sense
it is a nonsense word
yet
but
even though
I didn’t ask for this
it is mine
to bear, examine, evaluate
and muster the courage
to say
goodbye, hello, what if
all the answers
I detest and yet
realize
are questions
only I
except You
can answer
so goodnight
until
good morning
I run the gamut

01.04.18

let go
two words
yet so awfully difficult
to muster the courage
seems impossible
yet I no longer cling
I undo my grasp
and although not tossing
I allow it/you/him/her/everything
to fall
yet
none of the falling particles of my life
ever hit the ground
never quite manage to reach the floor
so perplexed
I wonder
if I’ve truly released
could I ever?
yet life has taught me
over and over
and yet again
life is only about relinquish
surrender
a white flag
clean while shouting to the opposite force
I am done
fighting, clinging, controlling
relax I whisper
oh to submit and be done
my stubbornness screams never give up
practicality differs
going so far as to close the door
my heart yearns for harmony
while vividly reminding
my song is a solo
as is everyones
in the ultimate

last day of October

autumn leaves on bricks
colors,shapes
changes all around and I feel myself surrounded
the briskness of today
October, month of endings
year after year
but this day reminds me of the opposite
beginnings and continuing
belong, a manner in which
fill a role no one else
can I actually
yes, because I am
linking verb, holding together
stop trusting lines
time lines / outlines
believe only in circles
grace filled circles enabling me to progress

10.17

something I wrote
some months back
one of those moments
happy and sad and confused
all at the same time…
“life is full of stupid ironies
shit show messes…”
excerpts from my life
reminders I am human
we all are
emotion filled searchers
today
today is filled with contradictions
beautiful day
joy abounds
yet
so much hurt
beyond comprehension
I feel
so much
which reminds me I am alive
present, so very present
removed as well
wanting to be
more
wanting to just be
hope is the word
in which I cling

07.17

going someplace
where’s the question
out of my head
down the street
into
all the prepositions
meaning a word governing
yet what do I govern?
myself
hardly
at least not in a consecutive manner
more prepositions
words on words on words
and I contemplate
where
is there a where
my where
or
is the question, or?
either or, and or
or, or, or
do I have to decide, or
is it alright
a conjunction, connector
be a joiner
but I hate to join
I want to be free of all
which makes sense
actions unite
do something, anything
allowing something

06.17

last day of June
the month of birthdays
memories
daughters and sisters
summer begins
sun shines
we celebrate
contemplate
spend time with people
and listen
stories
concerns
questions
how do I do this
help me I don’t know
so I answer
unsure myself if I know
and then celebrate some more
the small triumphs
and cry over the defeats
if only in my mind
whisper into the bright morning
talking out loud as I run
yet no one hears
running harder, faster
into something while pretending it’s necessary
what if everything is pretend
except the warmth of the sun
and the driving, pouring rain
June is one or the other
sun or storm
contentment and bliss
perplexing utter sadness
a raging torrent never reaching a climax
then the sun shines again
and I know
this month ends today
yet the sun shines
in July even brighter
warmer, shall I say hot
hopefulness escalates
because to not hope is to barely exist
and I want more than existence
sisters and daughters, though not like June’s
to celebrate once more
so we roll into another day
rejoicing in summer
yet not forgetting
today, the last day of June

05.17

when lost
do you try with all your might
to run
seek
find a way out
a way home
or do you sit tight
still
waiting
waiting for a rescue
someone to come
carry you out
away
to safety and familiarity
seek and find
or wait and see
all on me
consider surrender
strength, I see in both
freedom to choose, overcome
power to be still, allow oneself
to submit
when lost
how do I respond
all on me
or white flag
announcing I am ready
to be driven home

04.17

God, this day
Tuesday
in the midst of everything
else
work
decisions
choices
plans
disappointment
today
between Palm Sunday and Death
celebration and despair
between hope and fear
it’s a regular day
meetings
normality
messages
questions
yet in two days
meal shared
the course of eternity set
darkness
only darkness
betrayal
confusion
sudden loss
yet this day
today
Tuesday
I know the rest of the week
Thursday
then Friday
the silence of Saturday
nothing quiet
weeping
but Sunday
the day of change
final reconciliation
we are complete
therefore joy
a sudden realization that today, Tuesday, is ordinary
yet divine

{obligation}
screaming quietly in my mind
who and what I owe
never ending so I long to run
freedom means loyalty to self
where is that place
beyond
far away
or right here
losing myself quickly
fight ensues
me and myself
more than right and wrong
decisive loses every time
and I cry
inside
yet I wish for
no obligation
only choice
never ending
run to nowhere
everywhere
oblige myself

02.17

still winter
reminded
obtrusively by thought
though daffodils
it’s still winter
the record shows
my formidable plan deterred
not time
readiness is necessary
to some yet not to me
measures might be in order
if and when
yet still
all is silent
because truthfully there is no need
celebration is premature
winter lingers despite
reminded, I cannot know
until then

voided fear

hope is voided fear
stepped over
passed by
not necessary or needed is fear
hope is seeing the best
purer than love, maybe?
since love has its obligations and responsibilities
fear sabotages
unlocks a door to nowhere
vast and seemingly endless
hope, just is
a wish for the best
an expectation of positivity
circumstances equalling a bright future
cherish hope
it’s all we have
anoint hope as a saintly prize
to hope is to achieve
and in accomplishment, becoming
something beyond today
belonging to a future time
we hope together
even in separateness
all that is to come
triumph over fear
hopeful

01.17

winter of our
…not quite joy
yet hope, nonetheless
frozen bitterness breaks
will there be a day?
free of all which lingers
unkempt, unwell
astounding surprise
given not as a gift
but a resolution
let go, release
stop caring so you can care again
winter of our
soon to be content

bowl of shells

a bowl of shells on my table
centerpiece of sorts
white, brown, gray
natural as can or could be
I keep them
as a reminder?
keepsake of a summer day
I don’t remember where or when
a collection of once
or many days
different shapes
sizes
types
referencing the larger, whole
universe of living beings
or just a bowl of shells
on my table
alluding to sunshine and salt
which as of this moment are not near
far away in place and form
do I find more?
seek the ever beating waves
or realize it is beyond
behind and not returning
so note only a bowl of shells
nothing more