My journey of personal growth out of the pain of my divorce and into me.

Monday, October 10, 2016

A Fish Out Of Water

It seems the more I venture back into the gay male community, I find
I have so little in common with it.

So, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm
even gay anymore. Or even want to be.

Yes, an attractive man will still
catch my eye, but that's about it.

With all the emotional battering and bruising I've been through recently, I know I'm not ready for a relationship, and it will be
quite a while before I may be ready due to my lack of trust in gay men and, to
a lesser extent, in people in general. To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I even want anyone underfoot.

I did not go to Pride this year. Not
that I wasn't feeling prideful, but because I was still nursing a broken heart
and soul, and my introversion has been in overdrive lately. Just the idea of
the thought of being alone in a crowd was overwhelmingly crippling;
coupled with the idea of being in a sensory overload situation-hundreds of
scantily clad men, innumerable references to love and sex, and people in
various states of substance overload-all seemed terrifyingly paralyzing. No, I was
not going.

I was recently talking with my
straight neighbor who has been helpful with some home repairs now that I'm
managing my home by myself. He asked me if I was seeing someone. I replied
that I wasn't and didn't want to because I find myself moving far slower than
most gay men. I mean faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar slower, a snail's pace.

Men are physical- and physically
oriented. They are attracted to the wrapping, the external. It's a guy thing,
I'm told. Really? I find that's merely an excuse or a result of socialization.
I'm a guy, yet I prefer the gift itself, the internal. I prefer to wait before
taking any more intimate steps. And I mean wait a looong time. That
doesn't mean to say I don't appreciate a good looking man, but it is not the only
reason to get to know someone. Or to simply be a piece of meat. Unless both are
consenting to it. Then please enjoy, just don't expect me to be as casual as
you are simply because I'm gay, too.

I also don't get the throwing shade so common in the community.
Because we've been hurt by so many people throughout our lives, I understand it can be a pre-emptive defense mechanism; "I'll get you first before you get me!" But, being mean is just plain ugly. And bad karma. And the thrower usually ends up looking worse than the throwee.

Or the judgments: "Did you get
a load of what she was wearing? Looks like someone threw up!" But, if she's happy, then STFU. Unless she asks for your opinion.

The ageism: "He was, like,
ancient. At least forty." My young friend, you'll be forty some day. Plus,
you wouldn't have many of the rights you have today if it wasn't for the
generations before you. Or the reverse, the older men who will only date men under a certain age.

The shallowness: No fats, no fems,
no Asians, no blacks, no Latinos, no whites, no blonds, no gingers, no brunets,
no twinks, no fur. I understand we all have our preferences, and certain types will catch our eye more than others, but a great relationship just might be with someone not necessarily your 'type.'

The substances? I was
chatting with a guy at a concert who said he always takes a ride service, so he
can stay drunk all night. How charming. I played on a gay kickball team and every social event involvedseveral gallons of alcohol. To be fair, I do enjoy a glass of wine or a beerwith dinner; maybe a cocktail once in a while.

And pop culture: What’s a Sia? And I’m
always confusing the House of Thrones with the Game of Cards, or hearing something about a real housewife somewhere near Pomona, I think. I have no idea about the new television programs. Or movies. So, I'm at a loss at awards parties.

(Disclaimer: To be fair, shortly after my divorce, I had to make severe budgetary cutbacks, and my television provider went. The only things I could watch were on my DVDs or on an app that didn't require a cable account. Nor could I afford to go to movies at that time. So, Igot used to not watching current programming or current movies. And I'm still not that motivated to.)

And all the hoopla over certain
actors and whether or not they'll do a full-frontal shot in their latest film!
Or whether it really was him in that
full frontal shot. Does the man not have a mind and a heart?

And you simply can't be gay if you believe in monogamy, or you are a whore if you don't.

I accept the fact I might be coming off as judgmental here. I don't mean to. I appreciate the differences in the community. I'm merely trying to find myself in a community where I feel like a fish out of water.So,how do you fit
into a community that encourages you to express your individuality, but decries
you when your individuality goes against the grain of the very nature of the
group?

Recent events have also shown me
that I NEED a relationship to develop organically from a friendship first. Many
gay men don't like going slow. I have often heard the phrase, "It was love
at first sex on the first date." Relationships based solely on sexual compatibility or
attractiveness never last long.

And it seems like everyone is
relationship-oriented, or maybe just hook-up oriented. Except me.

I knew I needed to step out more; so, I decided to join an LGBT social group
on MeetUp.com that advertises itself as a
"fun group of lesbians and gay men who will go hiking, have picnics, and
just hang out." Sounds cool and very social. I clicked on the "Join
Us" button and was directed to the questionnaire, as all new members needed
to be approved by the administrator of the group. It seems to be a standard
procedure for many groups on MeetUp, not just LGBT groups, so it didn't surprise me.

I answered the first question,
"What part of the SFV (San Fernando Valley) do you live in?"

Okay, no problem. I answered easily
enough.

Second question: "Single or
taken?"

There I froze, my hands hovering
over the keyboard.

WTF? This appears to be a social
group, right? Then WTF difference does it make if I'm single or taken? I
believe that particular conversation would be better off building organically between the
parties concerned.

I skipped the question and answered
the next one: “Favorite restaurant in the area?”

My favorite closed down, so I
thought of another one.

I clicked on 'next' and some red
words flashed, "Please answer all questions." The single or
taken? box washighlighted. Evidently, I had to
answer that question.

I realize that being part of a
social group can lead to the formation of new friendships that could turn towards
something romantic but shouldn't you get to decide when and who you want to know your status? What if I don't want it plastered on
my group profile? Even on Facebook, you have the opportunity to not declare a relationship status. But, evidently, I had to put something in the box. And yes, this
might not be a big deal to some but for me right now it is. Single
implies I'm looking or at least available for a relationship, which I am not
and I don’t like giving the wrong impression. Taken would be lying
which could invite questions as to why my boyfriend never accompanies me, and
there's too much to remember when you begin lying or inventing boyfriends.
Plus, to me, the word taken implies being kidnapped or the relationship is against your
will. I thought of some clever reparté like neither, or unavailable,
or I respectfully decline to answer this inane and judgmental question which
suggests this group is more about matchmaking than just socializing. But, I decided against it.

But I was still curious as to why
this relationship status question was even mandatory for
joining a social group. I thought I'd email the organizer and
ask. But, I was so put off by the idea of the question that as I
re-read my email, I realized I came off as antagonistic and bitchy, so I
deleted it. Perhaps I should forget it.

Or at least calm down, because the
curiosity was still getting to me.

Later, I tried again, a little less
antagonistic and bitchy, but still couldn't send the email. I hit 'delete.'

Then it hit me. If I'm having such
trouble with this question, then maybe this group is not for me. I'm not ready
to venture out after my recent misadventures. Perhaps in time.

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About Me

I am a retired teacher in Los Angeles, California.
My first novel, Out of the Past, was published in September 2012, and there are several more ideas bubbling around in my head hoping they, too, will see the light of day. Several years ago I wrote some poems and again, some of those might surface here.