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Sunday, October 19, 2014

Final Blog Post From Lexa

I haven’t written for months, and this will be my final blog post. Since I so openly discussed my obsession with Luka, I thought I would let you all know that I’ve ‘seen the light’. I no longer support Luka Magnotta, nor does he give me ‘warm fuzzy feelings’ anymore.

If you read my blog from the beginning, you witnessed the evolution of my feelings. I was very much aware from the start that this was not a natural way to feel and was searching for answers as to why I felt the way I did. I still don’t have those answers, but at least the feelings are gone now. In the beginning I was very much aware that Luka is a monster, but as I read more about him and spoke to other ‘fans’, I began to feel not just infatuation for Luka but deep sympathy as well. I felt bad for his childhood and the bullying he endured online. I felt sorry for him and thought that he deserved love and friendship that he never had. I wanted to be his friend, and thought that if enough people offered him love and support that the lost little boy inside him could be saved somehow. But still he wasn’t quite ‘real’, he was just some guy with tons of photos and blog posts online…and a legion of ‘fans’!

When Luka began writing people back, he suddenly became a very real person and I started to feel bad that I was blogging about him. I started to worry what he would think about what I wrote. I could no longer bring myself to write blog posts about this man who had written me a letter. Around this time, the culture of the Luka ‘fans’ changed significantly. People went from mostly being friendly with each other, to suddenly turning on each other. Everyone vying for a spot at the top of Luka’s ‘list’. Groups began to split up, people began blocking each other. People started demanding that people ‘unfriend’ other people by making up lies to convince people they were ‘bad people’. The whole culture became very toxic and unhealthy.

This is when I began to realize that there are a lot of seriously dysfunctional people in this strange corner of the internet, and that supporting Luka was getting to be a very unhealthy thing to do. I was very confused for a while; as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t just willfully turn my feelings off, though they were fading. Then one day in the midst of the constant drama, something just clicked in my head; suddenly everything that all the detractors had been saying all along rang true in my mind. No matter what Luka has been through in his life, he does not deserve support!

Luka is not some little lost boy who can be saved. He chose this path. He is a liar and a manipulator and he willfully committed murder purely to gain attention and fame. Luka will never change! He will always be a shallow and vile human being. He is cold and empty inside and anything that people think they see inside him is purely manipulation on his part. He does not deserve support for his actions, in taking the lives of others he went from being a victim to being a predator. I started to feel sick to my stomach for ever supporting him, for giving him what he wanted. I thought about deleting this blog, but decided to leave it up as a record of my once obsession with Luka. Hybristophilia is a strange thing, it can happen to anyone and it can hit you out of nowhere. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Luka supporters who still find themselves embroiled in this culture may want to speak to a professional to work through their feelings.

If you feel conflicted about your support for Luka, step back from the other supporters, the culture, and try to think logically about the root causes of your need to support an individual who took a life and does not seem to want to own up to his actions. Luka made his own choices, and you can make your choices, too, to be healthy or to continue to support someone who does not care about you and likely never will. For me, I have chosen to redirect my support and sympathy to those who deserve it, in this case Jun Lin and his family.