Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Warning: The following is the most self-absorbed post in the history of blogging. Just thought I would give you guys a heads up.

I am a birthday person. I love birthdays. But this year for the first time, I have been feeling blue about getting older. Other than finishing university, I feel like nothing really has changed in my life, in this past year. I was just reanalyzing my life yesterday. Now that school is done (at least for now), the only uncertainty that is left in life is something I have no control over. I know this makes me sound like a sad love-sick person, but in the past one year I have met more than my share of prospects, guys. But nothing came out of those encounters.

I like to think I am not a demanding person (urmm, some might disagree). The first guy I was introduced to, even though he was from here, his parents lived in a McMansion in Congo. His disregard to the human rights violations was a total turnoff for me. I didn't judge him because of his social status, but it was his disregard to the poverty there that got to me. Congo has one of the highest rape incidences in the world. I don’t know if it was my neurosis or immaturity, but I couldn’t muster up the understanding to respect him for his callousness and ignorance. And we all know a healthy beginning of any relationship should be based on respect.

I feel that it takes more than wealth, a flashy car, a Rolex, or a huge diamond to impress a girl. Heck, if a guy bought me a ring, the first thing I would ask for is a certificate to make sure the rock is conflict-free, and not from one of the troubled regions in Africa. Canadian diamond is the best way to go folks. It is green and local :D. I am not a jewellery person, but I like the romantic notion of wearing a ring, which symbolizes commitment.

In this one past year, the only guy I felt the connection with was on a whole different spiritual spectrum. He had atheistic inclinations. I am not judging him for his beliefs, but I believe in my life there are a lot of blessings that I wouldn’t be able to explain without God’s existence. The guy was very honest, smart and funny. He was straight up, didn't beat around the bush, and we got along. But I couldn’t see our values and lifestyle meshing together in the long run.

Then there was the guy I almost said yes to because our values were similar. I knew he would be a safe bet, because I knew we wouldn’t be arguing over what to eat. But then that’s all we shared. The thing that brought me back to reality was that when I was younger, I never thought I would say yes to someone just because we shared the same religion and upbringing. The religion requirement was not even part of my list of wants, it was sort of a given. The list included a good sense of humour, witty, Craig David like looks. I used to have the biggest crush on Craig David. You could say he was my first love (Yeah, I don't know what I was smoking). I was in England the summer he released his first record. When I came back to Canada nobody knew who he was, he released his debut album a year later in North America. So the fact that I knew of him before my friends, meant that I got the first dibs on him. But even that didn’t stop us from fighting over him. He had good looks, and the extremely formidable British accent.

My irrational love of British accent comes from all the summers we spent there. We never stayed there long enough for the novelty of the accent to wear off. Their pronounced ‘ts’ are really like music to my ears. Plus, they have the best chocolate there. I am not the only one who thinks this, but the British Kit Kat and Dairy Milk taste so much better than the North American ones.

Then earlier this year, I almost got pressured into considering a guy from Pakistan. I was in Pakistan and my parents introduced me to a doctor. I figured if I married him and moved to Pakistan I would be able to help the poor there. That was the only way I could rationalize the situation I was in. But, then the language barrier was too much to overcome. Plus, I know I wouldn't last more than a month in Pakistan. I am too independent to be chaperoned around the country.

But at the end of the day, I am grateful for this past year. I have learned from each experience, and these guys have taught me what I am looking for. But I just want someone to appreciate me for who I am. A friend of mine pointed out that the guy I end up with needs to realize that I am a Lexus not a Honda. I don't know how I feel about being compared to an automobile. Or was he calling me high-maintenance? Urmm... Or why a Lexus, why not an Alfa Romeo :P?

I don’t know what the next year holds. Last year around this time I thought I would be in a long-term relationship by now. I am not the only one who is in this pressure cooker. My single friends are also under the same pressure. Those of us who are South Asians have to live upto the expectation of finding a decent boy right after our graduation. In our culture, once you are done school all the aunties gang up to get you married. And, once you are over 25, you are done.

A couple of years ago, I went through an Incubus phase, where I just couldn’t get enough of their music. My playlist was full of their songs. I rediscovered their song Drive, yesterday. The title of this post is taken from the same song. It’s a beautiful song, and the video is amazing too. Since YouTube has disabled embedding, I am copy-pasting the lyrics here:

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clearAnd I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fearTake the wheel and steerIt's driven me beforeAnd it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appealBut lately I'm beginning to find that IShould be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be thereWith open arms and open eyes yeah

I don’t know what the next year holds. I like my freedom. But I would be lying if I said that I am not feeling the pressure. But I am not gonna let my single status or my age get in the way of celebrating my birthday. If anything I still have a year to be totally over the hill. So here is to that.

7
comments:

It took a massive failing of my age-plans to realise how irrelevant they really were. I then learned to live for what I had rather than what I thought I should or will have (those things which were out of my control anyway) and immediately became happier and more content as a result.

Unfortunately it's probably not a lesson you can learn without going through that sense of failure - so I guess what I'm saying is that it'll all be all right in the end, whatever actually happens.

About Me

"Words - so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them." - Nathaniel Hawthorne

"The only way you can write the truth is to assume that what you set down will never be read. Not by any other person, and not even by yourself at some later date. Otherwise you begin excusing yourself. You must see the writing as emerging like a long scroll of ink from the index finger of your right hand; you must see your left hand erasing it." - Margaret Atwood.