I realized I never shared this nonfiction short work on my blogs about the experience of losing my first love my daughter. Please go to this link: Always In My Heart. In order to read my story and see how I decided not to let this loss define how I lived my life. This may be especially helpful to those dealing with a miscarriage right now in their lives, or for anyone who ever has felt the pain of losing a child. I urge you to read this short work to find some semblance of solace. Know that your rainbow exists, it’s just a little further down your life’s path than you expected.

A perfect circle or “halo” rainbow with sun and rays in the dead center to enhance it!

Being one extremely interested in rainbows and their meanings, I had read some time ago that rainbow arcs we usually see in the sky are actually part of a rainbow. A rainbow is actually a circle! Well this was a new one on me! Then yesterday as I photographed the sun around noonish, I noticed rainbow colors slightly above the sun’s extended rays. I stepped back to attempt to capture it and that’s when I realized I was staring at a humongous circle rainbow with the sun dead in the center of it! I kept backing up trying to captured this rare phenomenon, for me at least it was, all the while staring awe- struck at the sheer size of it! It was directly over my house and backyard!

This shows the sheer size of the halorainbow before I started backing up to capture it all!

Later I went in to review my photos and was thrilled to have captured this magical work of nature fully in several photos. Being the type of person who has to know the meaning/symbolism behind occurrences, I looked up circle rainbows. I loved the name “halo” rainbow because it seems to symbolize angels and to me this halo rainbow symbolized the uniting of all the many people my families have lost coming together as one to tell me they are okay up there! It made my heart and soul feel warm and happy to make this connection.

I tried to capture different angles of the sun in the halo rainbow.

Now of course I know that these rare rainbows are created from ice crystals being hit by sunlight, but as I go out several times a day every day to photograph the natural world around me, why haven’t I seen one sooner? Why was it that when I was feeling extremely low in my life and had beseechingly been asking for a rainbow the day prior that all of a sudden out of the blue, I get to witness the most amazing type of rainbow imaginable? Someone up there knew I was in need of a special sign. This rainbow was it. I spent the rest of the day floating on air feeling so much better about life! I see this rainbow as a magnificent gift from above! Think what you will about its sudden appearance, but for me it came at a time I needed it the most!

Her bent silhoutte forms shadows, tears stream from sapphire eyes.
Heavy heart seeped in grief,
laden with burdens of life, invisible to human eyes.
Golden rays twinkle, specks of fairy dust fill the air,
a blanket woven of sunlight, encircles her frame.
Comforting touch, protecting one in need during moments of weakness,
driving away emotional vultures perched hungrily, waiting to swoop down.
They will have to quench their hunger elsewhere,
sun’s radiance has forced them into hiding.
Emulating a comforting mother’s hand,
brilliant trajectories bathe the wounded soul in brightness.
Seeking to assuage reason for this melancholy,
cradling its earth child in powerful arms of magnitude, rocking her slowly, into peaceful sleep.
As quiet sighs of contentment escape her lips,
Rays recede into the horizon, watchful for signs that they are needed below.

I am a firm believe that we don’t just encounter people in our life randomly, they are sent to us for a purpose. This is truly the case for my best friend Jaime and myself. We met on the first day of kindergarten when we were five years old, and have been inseparable ever since! (I won’t say how long we’ve been BFF’s to protect our ageless beauty ;), but trust me its been awhile!) She is the most generous, loving, giving, person I have ever met! She doesn’t think twice about helping out another person and would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it! Over the years, our friendship has grown and blossomed making her feel more like the sister I never had, as opposed to just a friend. We have been there for each other for the good times and bad. Weddings, funerals, birthdays, holidays, you name it! The support she has shown me over the years only continues to grow. Even though we live in different states, whenever we get together, we pick up right where we left off! I feel she epitomizes the qualities of a true friend, someone who isn’t there only for the good moments in life, but for the not so good ones too! We have seen each other at our worst times and she always knows just what to say to make me feel better. I hope I do the same for her as well! She has a heart of gold, and this can be seen in how she treats her students and her pets, as well as in her treatment of other individuals. Though we have been friends for many many years, we have never once been in a fight! Honestly! We just have fun together and are there cheering each other on through life’s little and big achievements! I love her like a sister and she is truly the best friend a girl could ask for! She’s a lover of rainbows, dragonflies, and butterflies just like me. She is a dreamer, creative (you should see her paint Tweety Bird on her own nails!), and I don’t think I could ever say enough to describe the truly magnificent individual that she embodies! If you have a friend that you can always count on, that supports you, and accepts you for the person you are no matter what happens in life, treasure that person and that friendship. This is a unique, wonderful gift to find in life. If you are able to have one true, honest to goodness friend in life, never take that or them for granted! I was given a great gift the day I met my BFF, my sister for life, and I am so thankful to have her in my life!

Useless words, devoid of meanings,
what purpose can they serve?
In that sense, what is the point of words,
glaring mockingly, from snow white pages?
Permanently ingrained in the fibers of one’s soul,
thrown out carelessly, their context misused.
Lost in society’s daily struggle for power,
indelible black impressions, trampled underfoot.
Forgotten, discarded, lying hopefully in wait,
straining, with every ounce of their being, desperate for notoriety, by a writer.
Persisting in their quest for acknowledgement they remain,
patiently waiting to be remembered.
I sense the yearning behind these forgotten words,
bereft of the pages upon which they were intended to be scrawled.
Unclaimed, ownerless, never failing to believe they will reunite with him,
I sat there and waited, but he never came back.

*This poem was based on the video C is Sea and is incorporated in the poem in the line “Useless words” and “What purpose can they serve?” and concludes with the prompt line “I sat there and waited, but he never came back”.

…..nothing! No blue line was visible in the tiny result window, waiting triumphantly to make her heart soar, to fill her with euphoric happiness. With a sinking heart, she laid her head on the cold, cool sink counter. She had been sure this time she would see that evasive blue line appear, but again its lack of appearance taunted her! Turning her head forlornly towards the test stick laying still beside her, she angrily picked it up to hurl it into the trashcan. Eager to be rid of the evidence of yet another failed attempt. As her hand reached for the mocking, reminder of her inability to achieve a positive result, she gasped in shock! There before her strikingly bright, clear as the blue sky itself, shown a bold, discernible, solid, blue line! It had been only seconds since checking the test, which had caused her such heartache, yet there was the result she had yearned to see for years! An honest to goodness positive result!
Tears of joy sprang from her eyes catching her unaware. Her hands shook, as she cautiously carried her miraculous outcome, gripped gingerly in her hand, to show her husband. Walking slowly, feeling with every step she took, the line might disappear at any moment. In complete disbelief that this was really happening. With sweaty, quivering hands she handed the precious test stick to her husband. Barely capable of speech, she was only able to utter four words to him;
“I think I’m pregnant!”
Spent with emotional exhaustion, she collapsed into his arms, engulfed by his embrace, dissolving into sobs of joy. Her mind was a whirlwind of thoughts, shock over finally registering a positive result, planning how she’d share their news, dreaming of future holidays together, names for their baby, among various other idealistic thoughts experienced by a first-time mother. Her heart was light, she felt as if she was walking on air!
The next 18 weeks flew by quickly. She documented each week with photographs, she and her husband took a last vacation, a babymoon, if you will, to enjoy their last summer before the baby arrived. She went a bit overboard in the baby shopping department, buying anything and everything for their future bundle of joy. She experienced the joy of seeing her baby wiggling around inside of her on ultrasounds, and heard its heartbeat strong, and true for the first time. She was in a wonderful bubble of euphoria, eventually sharing at 13 weeks, their happy news with anyone and everyone!
Then the unthinkable happened at 18 1/2 weeks. There was blood, and she knew what that meant. A trip to the hospital confirmed her suspicions, her baby had stopped growing. Her weeks of happiness, the future she had planned for her child was ended, all in a matter of seconds. She felt robbed of her child, of her dreams for it.
Days turned to weeks, a hollow emptiness consumed her, where her baby had once been. Once happy and complete, she now felt lost, bereft of feeling. Seeking comfort through her writing, she wrote her thoughts and feelings about her lost child. This allowed her to find momentary reprieve from the sadness, her thoughts transferred from her mind to the page. Using writing as her security blanket to overcome this tragedy, slowly she began to heal. She emerged a changed, person, but enduring an experience such as this changes anyone. Through her creative outlet of writing, she further explored her other artistic gifts that had laid dormant through the years. She left the world of professional workers focusing solely on her writing and photography, creating a writing company to commemorate her lost child, who through her death, helped her discover a new life!

*For more about my story visit awritersgallery.wordpress.com to read my raw, emotionally poignant, short story publication Always In My Heart in the featured showcase gallery section of the site. Please leave a comment so I know you stopped by to read my story!