I should make a movie called My Left Hip, or in Canada – My Tragically Left Hip.

Like super wtf levels of cobalt and chromium, in my blood – good thing they don’t do any harm or cause cancer, or tissue death… or anything.

Wait…

So, I had super fun hip REVISION surgery (what you get after your hip replacement surgery goes real bad) in Jan 2017 (yes, almost 2 years ago, time flies when you’re in pain)

The top of my Left femur is gone, my pelvis had to be grafted with cadaver bone. The muscles, tendons, and ligaments of my Left hip are mostly dead (or all dead, depending who you talk to).

Because of #2, #4, #6 & #7, there are not enough muscles etc to keep my leg bone in my hip socket. This kinda sucks (except use the word REALLY instead of kinda for better accuracy).

Hip dislocations hurt more than a lot, like a bazillion time more than a lot. Like worse than labour and delivery. Not kidding, even slightly.

My left hip has dislocated 5 times. Aside, they are now hiring 12year olds to be paramedics. Not that I care just as long as they have the pain medicine and can get me to a hospital, just an observation. Also, some ER docs are great and some are… not as great. Just saying, but at least they’ve all been over 12.

Yes, I have a lawyer. We just filed suit. No, there won’t be much of a settlement, possibly none.

Yes, I’ve seen lots of specialists and had 2nd, 3rd, and 4th opinions. The most specialest of the specialists says ‘sucks to be you’ and you have to have this super sucky revision of the revision surgery (like Bride of Revision surgery… almost, okay. not.) that will cost billions and make getting off a toilet challenging, and the floor is right out.

I don’t like orthopedic surgeons anymore.

Yes, I tried MAYO, they said no – twice.

I still have heavy metal blood poisoning. No, there is nothing to do about it except wait till it goes away all on its own.

Dr. Specialest of the Specialists says you’re not getting any better and just have the super sucky surgery or don’t even try to talk to me again. Really.

I’m really not a fan of this guy (wait, all of the ortho guys are about the same, so ditto lack of affection in their collective and general directions).

I don’t want the surgery – I like being able to use a toilet, car and getting up and down on the floor.

I just got Stem Cells in My Left Hip (Tragically Left Hip in Canada).

My Right Hip has the same problem that caused me to need my Left hip replaced in 2009.

I limp. Sometimes on both legs because it’s difficult to tell which leg will hurt/wobble etc. I pretend like it’s interpretive dance.

I got ‘sorta-dumped’ because of limp – to be fair it was 15mins into a first date and he said he couldn’t hang with a gimp, and got up and left me holding my coffee, so that was fun.

Yes, I can teach yoga on a crutch. I can even teach yoga in Cook County Jail on crutches and in a leg corset on Halloween because I’m a stubborn sort of person.

I got told to NOT bring my crutchy self into two separate yoga studios, because yoga students can’t handle a teacher on a crutch (just like 15min first date dude) and should not be subjected to that sort of trauma. Thank goodness for yoga in jail.

Stage 1: The Prelude AKA Before Operation – Characterized by:

Insane optimism – I WILL return to full-time work in 1 month, tops! EVERYONE will be in AWE of my stunning recovery – there will be tears of joy, applause, balloons, puppies, because who doesn’t love puppies in a triumphant return day dream? All recoreded in slow motion video. Also, my hair will magically stop impersonating the Lion King and my skin will clear up.

Impressive consumption of bone strengthening supplement power, protein power (that only tastes mostly of chalk thats been scraped off a sidewalk), stupidly expensive (but totally worth it!) miracle powders in green containers from Whole Foods, and actual green things all combined in blender. My muscles and bones will the best muscle and bones the surgical team has EVER seen. They will so impressed they will take pictures and post them to their surgeon friends. I will be famous in the medical community for having the absolute BEST bones anyone has ever seen. There will be autograph requests and TLC will do a special on my amazingly strong bones. I will be remarkably humble and slightly embarrassed about the attention and fame.

Rekindling of old flame, not because of lame reasons like I’m worried about pretty major surgery, because I totally GOT this surgery thing, but because this time it’s gonna be so different from all those other rekindles that crashed and burned, well actually flopped, fizzled and limped off whimpering. But THIS time he’ll really SEE how wonderful I am. He will sleep in a chair at my bedside, make me protein shakes and miraculously lose all those somewhat irritating character flaws just for me. We will bond. He too will be awed about my amazing recovery and some point we will ride horses. Into the sunset. On a Motherfucking beach. That’s EXACTLY how this is going to go.

Stage 2: The DeedAKA Operation Day – How Things Actually Happened. According to Me. On Morphine.

Right. So surgery is just a tiny wee itsy bitsy bit more involved than we had planned. Something about complications… bones dissolving, lots of bleeding, extra hard hammering of metal parts that break my femur, but just in about 6 or 7 places, so no biggie. Not a problem, see impressive preparation above. I will still be triumphant. PT, OT, medical and nursing staff will be stunned by my Can-Do attitude and miraculous healing powers. Some will suspect mutant genes or that I am secretly an X-Man. Professor Charles Francis Xavier – the Patrick Steward version – will come visit and ask me to join him. I will tearfully accept. Music will play, hospital staff will applaud (in slow motion, because see above).

I am now short a couple of pints of blood and didn’t quite have the super impressive bones I had imagined. Sadly there will be no
autograph tours with orthopedic surgeons. But I am stuffed with awesome NEW bone grafts from cadaver bones, which is totally awesome because Walking Dead jokes for The. Rest. Of. My. Life. I’m certain my donor will turn out to be a famous salsa dancer so along with my upcoming remarkable recovery I will also develop a sense of rhythm and the ability to move my hips independently of my spine. My students will be in awe of my new salsa based sculpt classes and they will have to move my classes to larger venues to accommodate the huge influx of students.