extr@ English 25 – Art

Bridget is at work re-running tapes of Marty Ross, a famous Channel 9 show host, when Marty himself walks in. He wants to know if Eunice has his tickets for an important art exhibition preview. He says that he will take anyone who gets him tickets out to dinner. Hector walks into the girls’ flat to find Ziggy in a cardboard box. It’s part of a Farm Animal Protest and Annie asks the boys to help. Bridget gets some tickets for the exhibition preview and asks Marty to come to the flat for drinks first. Bridget then orders the others to redecorate the flat to fit into Marty’s arty style. She goes to bed while the others start work. The next morning the work is finished but Annie still has to prepare for the protest. Boggy and Moss, some eco-warriors from Manchester, are coming to the protest. Nick gets ready by making himself look more ‘interesting’. Hector is preparing the ‘nibbles’ when Boggy and Moss arrive. They are not impressed with the ‘arty’ flat, choosing to sit on the floor and refusing to speak. They completely ruin the flat, then leave for the protest. Bridget and Marty return. Bridget is horrified but Marty loves it. Annie and Ziggy bring a pig pen back to the flat. Hector and Nick sell a wall of the flat to Marty. Then the kidnapped pig arrives …

BRIDGET
So if I get tickets for Damian Pollasco, I get dinner with Marty Ross!
Who do I know, who do I know? I know! Dave! He’s crazy about me! [Sound of telephone number being dialed]
Hi, Dave? It’s Bridget. I’ve got a little favour to ask you.

HECTOR
Is anybody home? Annie, is that you? Is that Ziggy?
I think you should let her out.

ANNIE
Oh no, it’s OK. We’re seeing what it’s like to be a battery chicken.

HECTOR
A chicken that runs on batteries?

ANNIE
No! A chicken that is kept in a small box to lay her eggs. Poor thing.

HECTOR
But isn’t Ziggy a bit…

ANNIE
Oh no. It makes it more real, doesn’t it, Ziggy. Tomorrow there is a big Farm Animal Freedom Protest in Trafalgar Square and we will be demonstrating.

NICK
Demonstrating what?

ANNIE
What it’s like to be a farm animal.

NICK
Oh! Sounds exciting!

ANNIE
Boggy and Moss are coming from Manchester.

ZIGGY
Yay!

HECTOR
Boggy and Moss?

ANNIE
Boggy and Moss are very, very serious eco-warriors.

HECTOR
Eco-warriors?

ANNIE
They fight for the environment. And you two will help us prepare.

NICK
Ah-ah-ah-ah! Agh!!

ANNIE
Won’t you, boys!

BRIDGET
[Laughing]
Bye!
Good old Dave. I knew he’d help me. He just can’t resist me. Now, Marty.

Sound of mobile phone

MARTY ROSS
Hi.

BRIDGET
Oh, hi, Marty. It’s Gigi.

MARTY ROSS
Gee-Gee? … … Bridget who?

BRIDGET
Bridget!
Eunice’s researcher.

MARTY ROSS
Have we met?

BRIDGET
Well, only about a hundred times!
Listen, I’ve got two preview tickets for Damian Pollasco.

MARTY ROSS
Oh, that Bridget. How could I forget you?
How about meeting for drinks at your place first?

NICK [Composing email]
Ziggy fed me lots of milk.
Then, Bridget made us change the flat so it looked ‘arty.’

BRIDGET
I want 21st century! I want art!

NICK [Composing email]
It’s all for stupid Marty Ross.

NICK
“Hey darling, let’s spend the evening together.”

BRIDGET
Shut up, Nick. Go back to your bottle.

Sound of knocking on door

HECTOR
Oh, ‘Oggy, Moss, mmm. Excuse me, I am not…, Come in, come in. Please sit down.
So, you are Annie’s friends, huh? I am Annie’s boyfriend. Would you like a drink? You would? You wouldn’t. Tea? Coffee? Sugar? Oh! Aha! [Sound of mobile phone ringing] It is my phone! I know you know it is a phone, but it is ringing, so I must… excuse me.
Annie, I’m so happy you rang.

ANNIE
Hector, I’m in the ladies toilets in Trafalgar Square. Have Boggy and Moss arrived yet?

HECTOR
Yes. Annie, they are a bit…

ANNIE
Aren’t they sweet?

HECTOR
Yes, very sweet. It is just that they…
… All right, chaps? Won’t be a minute.
It is just that they are a bit scary.