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Sunday, October 21, 2012

Dear Ava...

Hi sweet girl. I'm writing this tonight in hopes that someday you can read this and know for certainty that I love you. Maybe you are 16 and you hate my guts, maybe you just had a baby of your own, or maybe I'm gone and you're trying to remember things about me. Whatever the case, I hope that this little letter reminds you how much my heart is full of you. Always has been, always will be.

Tonight I made dinner. It took me probably 15 extra minutes to make it because you were constantly at my feet gripping on to my pants, and your dad had to constantly be called in to move you out of the way. Tonight I put you in your highchair and instead of eating your peas, you dropped them on the floor and smashed them into oblivion. Tonight I tried to load the dishwasher while you stood there, and everything I put in, you pulled out. Tonight I worked on sale reports, team letters, and drafted e-mails while daddy put you to bed.

It wasn't until you were in bed and fast asleep that for some reason I started looking through my phone at all my pictures of you. I think I was just curios when your hair started turning blonde. Before I knew it I had spent an hour flipping through every photo I have ever taken of you. I watched every video, from your first week home sleeping in my arms, your first smile, the first time you rolled over, the first time you walked. I realized you were not a baby any more and in one month you will be a year old. Every minute of your tiny life is flying. Flying faster than I can keep up with, and I'm not sure that I'm ready for you to not be a baby anymore. I went into your room after you were asleep and kissed your cheek. Even though you were right there, I missed you. I wanted to stop time and hold you. In that moment I wanted you to need me forever.

A number of those pictures tonight were pictures of your sweet smiling face in the first moments you woke up. For many of your first months you slept with us in bed. I will never regret that decision. You were the last thing I saw when I went to sleep and the first thing I saw when I woke up. I could never regret that. I just thought tonight how empty it will be, in my bed, in my house, in my life, when you have gone your way. It breaks my heart that you are growing so fast and a part of me wants it to stay this way forever. After the dishwasher is loaded, after the floor is swept and your hands are cleaned, I will never have another TODAY with you again. Many years from now those little annoyances will be a longing that I wish I could relive again one more time.

There are so many thing I want to teach you, so many things I want you to learn. I want to give you the best of everything. I want you to be better than me. I want you to know that although I may not be a perfect parent, I always had perfect intentions for you. And if you ever forget that, read this again, because like tonight, it's the little things that you forget that really mean so much.

You are my sweet angel, and you have infinity blessed my life for choosing me.

7 comments:

Just gorgeous - Thanks for reminding me to go give my two angels a kiss....even though they drove me slightly insane today. I wouldnt change them for the world. So thankyou xxx Ava is one lucky little girl

This is was a beautiful letter. I have a 15mo. old and it seems like just yesterday my Husband and I were off to the hospital to have him. As i was reading you letter I couldnt help but tear up at the part were you said you'd never have TODAY again...Thank you, today was trying and your words helped me to put silly frustrations aside. When I finish typing this I'm off to kiss my angel. Thank you again