Cohen paid Fieri to drive around Connecticut with him to reenact a fantasy episode of “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives,” reveals Allen Salkin in his book, “From Scratch: Inside the Food Network.”

But after “Cohen paid Guy Fieri $100,000 to be his friend for a day,” Salkin writes the odd couple became so close that the chef’s top-rated show even featured Cohen’s favorite hot-dog spot, the (perhaps appropriately titled) Super Duper Weenie. The popular joint in Fairfield, Conn., offers hot dogs at $3.75 a pop, guaranteed to get any hedge funder through hard times.

Jesus, what is it about working in finance that stunts the development of personality to the point where friendships/relationships must be bought? If there’s any justice in the world, buying Guy Fieri’s friendship is an offense punishable by being made some guy named Thor’s b*tch when serving time for insider trading.