Talks by Our Gurus

Separation in an Abusive Marriage, part 1

Separation in an Abusive Marriage, part 1

Satguru Sivaya Subramuniyaswami
, 2000-02-23

Gurudeva addresses a difficult and tragic topic today in response to an e-devotee's question"Is divorce not an option even in an abusive relationship?" Gurudeva discusses the nature of such relationships, possible causes, and offers a way out.

Unedited Transcript:

Well, with the surcharge on Iraivan Temple foundation, getting very serious now, about the temple being built and from all the responses round the world the Iraivan Temple, is even now playing a wonderful, religious place in people's lives.

Today, I think we have some questions from our Cyberspace cadets. The question is today - a very good question. We say, and the major religions of the world also say - we reflect what they say - that there should be no divorce. The question is, "What if the husband becomes abusive, goes on drugs and alcohol, beats up on the wife and children, starts spending her savings on his habits ... What then?"

People in today's world put more time, more research, more study and investigation in buying an automobile than they do in choosing a spouse. (And)Once the automobile is purchased, that is an experience of 2, 3, 4 perhaps upto 7 years. But, once a marriage commitment is made, it is an experience lasting a lifetime. Purchasing an automobile, one chooses where to get it refueled, repaired, washed and polished, if necessary. Choosing a spouse and getting married, none of those increments are taken into consideration, most usually.

In marriages, still we always take the side of the wife. She is the mother. She is the maintainer of the home. (, And to be a mother and give birth to a child,)A man never knows what she has to go through[, to be a mother and give birth to a child]. The problem usually manifests when the first child is born, and taking up all of her time, all of her love, all of her attention and the husband feels left out of the picture.

There are two parts to everyone - the external ego and the internal ego. If he is a good man, the internal ego will come forward and help the mother, (and)understand what she is going through. But if he is not a good man, if he is a jealous man, jealous of his new-born child, and the attention the child is getting, taking away from him, he will exhibit his real nasty nature about the alcohol or the drugs that are the bad things. It is that chemical or substance that releases the real, inner nature of the individual.

The mother's natural instinct is to protect the child above all costs. (And)It all begins with the first assault, the first slap. Should she run to a marriage counsellor? Where should she go? She should find a good attorney and do the necessary discussions for a legal seperation, in case that has to be done. A legal seperation will protect her assets, and also protect her from having to pay his bills. She should plan her escape, a place to go, her passport, personal effects, in readiness to depart, in case the situation worsens. This would be a course of action that is advisable, but then we have what people do. She will probably fight back and that makes the matter worse, becomes intolerable.

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