After seven seasons as host of Canada's most listened to spiritual talk show, Drew Marshall announced to his listeners that he is no longer convinced there's a God. As far as we know, this would be the first time a host on a Christian station has openly admitted to a crisis of faith - at least publicly - and kept their job! So we invite you to join Drew on his search for an encounter with God.

From now until Christmas Drew will speak to a variety of prominent people during each show, asking them why they believe in God, and if they've ever had a legitimate personal encounter with Him. We'll even ask a few prominent atheist/agnostic guests why they don't believe there’s a God. Basically, we'll ask each of our DROOGLE guests to attempt to "talk him off the ledge!" Either to jump - or to climb back inside his faith. Our "God Guests" will include celebrities, apologists, theologians, and authors. Ultimately, Drew is asking for an "encounter" with God for Christmas!

A: No. And to be honest, I’m not sure I could ever have the testicular fortitude/confidence to come to the conclusion that there is no God, let alone say it.
*At this point I realize the majority of you have been given enough of a sound bite to alleviate your curiosity. Please feel free to stop here and go back to your regularly scheduled lives. The following contains a veritable plethora of egotistical diatribes from an autodidactic iconoclast!

A: I know, how emergent/post modern can you get. Believe me; this definition makes my eyes roll as well. All I can say is at this point is that I still consider myself a “Christian” but before I reinvest another 30 years in Jesus I’d just like to know that God is real. I hope there is a God. I’m looking for him. (Wait, should I use a capitol “h” or not?) However, my fear is that if things stay the same as the last 30 years of my spiritual journey, I’ll probably become a reluctant agnostic who still has great respect for the teachings of Christ.

A: Sure. Who hasn’t? Been there! Done that! Bought the t-shirt & it shrunk! But none of those things are currently impacting my crisis of faith. What brought it on was the realization that my faith has been sustained by rumors of Glory (See Soldier Story on Droogle page.), circumstantial evidence, passive revelation (i.e. nature), and tribal conditioning. I’m also at a point in life where my children are old enough to own their own faith. In other words, I am no longer a Christian because of my kids, much the same way that I am no longer married because of the kids. I’m married because I want to be, and it’s a great place to be finally! You’d be surprised how many parents, especially dads, have put their serious doubts and questions on hold because it’s just a moot point when you’re trying to raise a family with “Judeo/Christian values.” I just want to know that what I’ve believed for the last 30 years is true, that’s all. And I can’t help but question everyone else’s “personal encounters with God” stories when I have none of my own. Life is too short to live it based on a faith spawned largely from a primal need to alleviate the emotional & mental torture of the finality of death.

1/ This Is Not A Ministry: I’ve always been very open and very vulnerable about my faith, or lack thereof. Unfortunately, should those in spiritual leadership working for a legitimate ministry ever find themselves in a season of doubt, they’re almost always asked to resign. I think I get that – sort of. I was put on temporary leave as a volunteer chaplain at the hospital. But if doubt is more compatible with faith than certainty, why must our Christian personalities (Notice how I didn’t say Christian leaders:) always wrestle in the dark. As it was so wisely put by a local Pastor who called into our show, “Drew, correct me if I’m wrong but you’ve never professed to be the spiritual leader of a ministry right? And I don’t think anyone who has listened to the show could mistake you as such. You’re just a guy who provides a radio show to facilitate discussion about spiritual matters, right?” (Thanks for always saying what I want to say in ways I could never say it, Bruxy!)

2/ Station Support: In the mean time, I’m still a follower of Christ. Not the top of the class by any stretch! However, I’ve never said that I don’t believe in God. I’m just not convinced there’s a God. The station and I have a very clear understanding that until I come to a conclusion that there is no God (God forbid J) or decide to reject all things Christian, that I should continue to do the kind of show I’ve been doing for the last seven years. Pretty cool of them don’t you think?

3/ Listener Reaction: After I let the cat of the bag I asked the listeners if they thought I should just go away and process my crisis of faith privately or is this something that could be done on the show, publicly. I was inundated with listeners who were in a similar spiritual condition, asking me to continue. Suddenly it dawned on me – if I don’t do this, who will? I don’t mind looking like a spiritual looser in order to publicly bring to light a subject usually cleaned up and sterilized then only spoken about in past tense. “Everyone doubts. I’ve gone through it myself.”

A: It’s pretty simple really. I’d like God to reveal himself in such a way that I’m unable to justify or rationalize it away. He knows the best way to do that so I’m not putting any other parameters on it. Someone said to me that I want a “soul tattoo” – a permanent reminder/encounter that God is real. I'm just hoping that I'll recognize it when it happens. I don’t want to be negotiated into believing because of circumstantial evidence or because I have no better options. That’s not a healthy relationship. I’d like a nail hole experience. One of the guys who actually got to hang out with Jesus also had a problem with doubt. (For some of us, it might be less about our circumstances and more about our nature or personality – but if anyone knows the best way to work with our individual idiosyncrasies, you’d think it would be God.) So this guy Thomas said he wouldn't believe Jesus had risen from the grave and come back to life (therefore being God) until he could put his finger in the nail hole of his crucified hand. THAT’S WHAT I WANT! Passive Revelation/Rumors Of Glory/Pascal’s Wager/Tribal Conditioning has sustained me for years but today my faith is weak. I'm at the point where my soul is crying out for a "super" natural encounter.

And along the way I think this type of public dialogue is healthy. Maybe, when all is said and done, I’m simply developing a doctrine of doubt?

A: The vast majority have been quite supportive with many prayers being offered. The best response could be summed up by this email I received:

Drew,

I have listened to your show and enjoyed both you and your guests. I find you to be very transparent and honest which is refreshing. I am sorry that you are having a crisis of faith. I am praying that God will reveal himself to you in a special way that will encourage you in your faith. I would say keep the faith but that is the problem.

Donald Feazelle

Virginia Beach

The most hurtful comments have been ones which have questioned my motives, asked why I feel the need to talk about myself, or have told me to stop calling myself a Christian, walk away from my faith, and feel vindicated because they always knew I “wasn’t really a Christian.” This is one of many I’m sure will come in over the weeks:

I have stopped listening to your show for a long time now because I was tired of you hiding behind your excuse you call "messy Christianity," your facade, while you had your self serving 'fun.' You were given great gifts from God and the opportunity to glorify the Lord. With your role comes great responsibility and what disturbed me was your flippant attitude and the questioning of God and His Word. It was apparent to me that you were insincere so I tuned out. Christianity is not easy but we strive toward the goal instead of crying about how hard it is. At least now I can respect you for finally coming clean but if it happens that you stay, then I pray you truly repent, humble yourself and start lifting high the Name of our God, Jesus Christ, and leave Drew Marshall behind.

(Name withheld because I don’t want to tick this guy from Georgetown off anymore than he already is.)

A: I don’t think anyone likes being attacked, but when you get attacked for something like this? I’m feeling more vulnerable then I have in my entire life. After all, this is a “crisis” of faith, and yet the anonymity of the internet has allowed people to say things that hopefully they would never say to my face. Although, people have said some pretty hurtful things to my face as well. Like, “I’ve thought about what you’re going through and I can only come up with two conclusions. You’re either doing this for attention or you’re just really arrogant.” I guess people who have never struggled with this kind of foundational doubt just won’t get it. Likewise, I just won’t get why they don’t get it. In the words of my buddy Paul Young, “People can only bring what they got.”

"Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd." – Voltaire

"Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother." -Kahlil Gibran

The Journey

Everyone has doubts. I also believe that it’s a prerequisite for authentic spiritual growth that everyone (if they’re being 100% honest about their faith) goes through a season of doubt. There are countless examples of people doubting in the Bible. However, that being said, when was the last time you heard a Christian leader publicly admit their doubts? Now I’m the first one to admit that I am not, as host of TDMS, a ‘Christian leader.’ Nor have I ever professed to be. Just because I have a radio show on a Christian station does not automatically mean that my show is a ‘ministry.’ It might have ministry tendencies, (Why does that remind me of Ted Haggard?) but when all is said and done, I’m just a guy, standing before a God, asking him to love me… (Yes, I know Julia Roberts stole my line!)

So where does one go to express their disbelief in God? Typically, I’ve only ever heard doubt stories used with past tense terminology. Either that or the doubting story gets sterilized so much that it comes off sounding like it’s only a fleeting thought...‘Rest assured everyone. My doubts aren’t really serious! I’m sure that this too shall pass!’ Never in my life have I heard a single Christian leader admit such ‘atrocities’ publicly. That is, unless it was accompanied by a letter of resignation and a sudden vacancy on the leadership team. Is it really necessary to hide our leaders while they struggle with what we all struggle with? What are we so afraid of? That the God we serve is so small He can’t handle such brutal honesty? That the followers of Jesus are stupid enough to hear one guy’s story of doubt then follow him right off the cliff?

Although I have wrestled with my doubt in the existence of a God since I first became a follower of Christ in 1981, I have only been vocal and open about it for the last few years. Probably because the theme and format of my radio show - ‘Messy spirituality is the Christianity most of us live but few of us admit’ - demanded that I remain authentic and vulnerable in my own spiritual walk. It’s also been one of the great things about NOT being a 'ministry leader' and simply hosting a radio show that talks about authentic spirituality. There’s a massive difference.

Then one day, out of the blue, during the second last show of Season 7, while interviewing apologist Dr. Ravi Zacharias, I let the cat out of the bag! I actually verbalized the fact that I’m not convinced there is a God and that I feel pretty close to walking away from my faith. This was followed by a month off, filled with reading and thinking and pondering and praying...?

When I came back for our Season 8 Dress Rehearsal Show I asked our listeners if I should stop doing the show because of my lack of faith. The response was overwhelming! Some were pretty harsh and critical, however, the vast majority encouraged me to continue doing the show. The overall theme… ‘Thank you for opening up about your doubts publicly and please continue to process your doubts in a public forum so we can all journey through these important issues together.’

My reasons for feeling like 'jumping' are plenty. However, they would best be explained by the following illustration:

Imagine a soldier at war, overseas for 30 years. Each week he would write at least one letter to his father back home. Each week he would expectantly wait for the one who supposedly loves him unconditionally, to write him back or phone or possibly even come for a visit. Any kind of personal interaction would do. He’s heard through his friends and other soldiers just how much his father loves him, but those rumours of Glory aren’t enough to sustain his faith in his father anymore. Every once in a while a friend would tell the soldier stories of how the last time they were overseas, they ran into his father. His friends would comment on how amazing his father was and just how loved they felt by the soldier’s father. But they were still just rumours…

So, stay tuned! Keep checking in to DROOGLE: Drew's Search For God and we’ll see if I get to unwrap my Christmas present early!

Drew

TWEET ME OFF is primarily a discussion between the teaching pastor of The Meeting House Bruxy Cavey, author of The Shack Paul Young, Recording Artist & Ex-Mormon Tal Bachman & Drew. However, if you'd like to post a comment please note:

A) The post must end in #droogle or it will not show up

B) Please read FAQ FIRST. This will save all of us having to read unnecessary content and possibly prevent Drew from having a stroke!
C) Feel free to share and not just teach!

*As of December 1st this #droogle feed will finish, primarily as a result of Drew spending December in Israel. However, feel free to scroll down to read various comments from the beginning of Drew's Search For God - DROOGLE!