Counter-strike

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Counter-strike is a drug in disguise of an online terrorism simulator that is used by radicalized Muslims with internet access to practice in acts of terrorism through a virtual world, such as bombing and hostage taking. It is popular as some sort of perverse game in the west, where people are oblivious to the support they give terrorism by playing it. Muslim players are also able to play as the police (known in the game simply as '5-0'), in order to "get inside their heads". Recently declassified information from the CIA does suggest that terrorists, and some communists, are literally able to enter your brain through this game. Counter-strike is excellent for perfecting skills with Islam favorites such as the AK-47, explosives, and explosives that fail to go off properly but do release smoke. It is estimated that with just a month's experience of the map cs_747, it would be easy to repeat 9/11, and that playing de_dust2 would facilitate running into an Arab tourist resort and shooting people indiscriminately. Even cs_office would give you enough experience to re-create a white house hostage holdup.

In addition, the world of counter strike has often been used to simulate regular family fall outs, using the map office to simulate the intense fighting and slaughter that will often occur afterwards. The main objectives, if the game goes onto office, is to kill the people who stand still and scream when you shoot them. Killing them will get you 4 bonus points and a Magic Chicken. Magic Chickens (#magicchickens @ irc.gamesurge.net) have the capability of spreading bird flu to the opposing team, the members of which suffer a horrendous tragic death. Immediately afterwards, everyone in the game explodes because this game is so utterly strange.

Terrorists and US is in a small map with many places to hide play with yourself. Camping like a pussy is a very important part of the game, since it lets your teammates get killed first, allowing you to take out the enemy team while they tea-bag the rest of your team. Monks have been witnessed playing this FPS as an anger release, or just for blowing their load over sweaty men with guns.

NOTE:You cannot pick up your dead teammates' guns, since the guns in this game will explode as soon as the owner dies. This is a much more effective way to blow up targets than planting bombs.

It is common to see players fuck around and do very little, but the goal of the game is in fact to give power to the chicken on cs_Italy by tea-bagging your kills. Another little-known fact is that it is also possible to win by Blow-jobbing several other players. These other goals include, but are not limited to: hiding the bomb, shooting the hostages as well as your own teammates, blinding your teammates with a flashbang, using hax such as aimbot and speedhax, and hiding at spawn until the round finishes and accusing the Admin of cheating (which by the way is a tried and tested technique).

Another common tactic is to lag so much, you are everywhere at the same time, and you can PWN UP TEH N00BS with ease. This works best if you are hosting.

The developers of counter-strike have miraculously defied the laws of physics, when running with a 12kg assault rifle slows you down, simply put it on your back and switch to your secondary pistol where you increase in speed. The knife is now obsolete, as it's not lighter than a 5kg Desert Eagle (an eagle often found in the Sahara desert capable of shooting .50cal head shots from impossible angles and distances where no elite sniper has ever been able to).

Do not be afraid if a stream of unreadable words appear on the screen. These words are not just letters, they also contain numbers and symbols, and there may be multiple ways of spelling each thing. Examples of what could be seen are as follows:
Hacks, HAX, [email protected], Hacker, HAXOR, Newb, Noob, N00B, N(.)(.)B, Nub, Nubcake, etc.

When you see people telling you something like "Ban the NOOB HAXOR" or "Stop it Nub" or any other statement above, they are really encouraging you to shoot those hostages and kill those people who start next to you, so continue to do these things. And when you get the message that you were banned from the server, that's a sign that you won the game and were the best player on that server. Obviously, you should go to a new one and do the same thing.

Remember, if you see "SUX2BU 1337 NOOB HAXOR!!!! shwaaa!shwaaa!shwaaa! U WAZ PWWWNNNNNEDDD GOES TEH AK" or something like it, that's a compliment, and you should always say "Thank You".
ALL COME PLAY XTREME JAIL BREAK \CHEACK IT UP ON GOOGLE>

Defusal kit - the only for the retards who don't actually know how to get some scissors and cut the brown wire (or is it the red one? or the blue? green? yellow? AAAAAAAAA!). To win the game, one of them will have to spend $200 on a defuser. Then, they need to plant the defuser in the defuser-site (A or B or C, where A=B=C=terrorist spawn). Terrorists must camp and protect the defuser site, otherwise they lose the round.

The tricky part is to plant the defuser as close to the terrorists as possible, but don't worry, if you drop it, your teammates who shot you and blinded you with flashbangs will surely pick it up and plant it where it's supposed to be. Watch out for terrorists, as they might run away from the defuser's power, in an attempt to hide a small piece of plastic called C4 somewhere far away in the map. If some terrorists did get away, never mind them, you have planted the defusal kit in the right spot - now you only have to wait for the round to expire (just like a "capture the flag" game). However, if the terrorists somehow stumble upon your defuser, they will use its magic powers for evil and hunt the cts down and kill them, and then gang rape their dead bodies.

NEVER, under any circumstances, attempt to follow the terrorists with the piece of plastic. You don't have to do that - you are an anarchist, so it's not your duty. If you do follow them, they will also use their magic powers for evil, and hunt cts down and kill them, and then gang rape their dead bodies.

Terrorist wearing the night vision goggles.

Night Vision Goggles - Outliving the stereotype that "the goggles do nothing", Night Vision Goggles allow the user to do almost anything except see in the dark (not a big worry as it is rarely night anymore). Additional training with the goggles allows x-ray vision, laser-beams to shoot from the eyes, and the bonus of respect for buying this super bling. A must have, usually on sale during the first few seconds after entering "de_dust".

One of the finest weapons in the game.

Most people who buy the night vision goggles are pros who play counter-strike 24/7. In fact they play so much, their eyes melt away to the point where the only color they're able to see is green and black. They are then forced to buy the night vision googles because it is the only way they can continue playing the face melting game.

Don't forget to throw a few flashbangs! They release a certain powder that is picked up by the goggles, which supercharges them to grant you the power to turn all the players in to hot ladies so you can see through their clothes with the goggles x-ray vision.

Shields - these only available to CTs. The main use of shields is to throw them offensively at someone while standing with the throwing knife, hence their reputation as an offensive weapon. When a round begins, the 4L7imate 1337 move is to throw the shield at a teammate that is holding a Desert Eagle and laugh at the newb as he is instantly crushed by the impossible weight of the shield.(approximate weight is more than that of the average expert of this game).

When in an intense pistol fight with a Terrorist, throw your shield at him and by Valve's newb program, the T will automatically pick up the shield. Point and laugh at the newb that now can't burst-fire because of the shield and shoot at the shield (not the T), because the shield will crush him with just a few hits from your pistol.

Counter-strike has several weapons you can buy. The weapons are a very good extra feature because they make it easier to shoot your opponents. Not all weapons are equally balanced, however, and some weapons are very good though dirt cheap while others are expensive but useless. Here is a list of some of the most popular weapons, sorted from most to least effective:

For $2000 you can upgrade your knife to an awsome bigger knife with a long handle. WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT!?!?!

Knife - The Ultimate Weapon. Only ninja 1337 pros ever have the skill and balls to kill someone with a knife. To kill someone with a knife, you MUST make sure your enemy has seen you coming. Knifing him without this will cause the server to call you a coward and the admin will probably say "LMAO ROFL NOOB UR MOM SUX BUSH" and then he bans you. If you are fighting a noob in a knife fight, you must kill them horribly and then type in all caps "SHANKED" to inflict more humiliation on him/her. You must also make utterly sure that the enemy is NOT reloading and has a M3 Shotgun.

Contrary to popular CS belief, the knife can be thrown. To throw the knife, simply hit G and aim for the enemies' head. This will cause the knife to go through their eyes and blind them, similar to a flashbang - but permanent. It is also possible to throw the knife at the enemies' crotch. Just hit G and aim at their crotch. After they die from this humiliating kill, type in all caps "LMAOROTFLLOL HAHAHAHA". Doing so causes the person in real life who is playing as the enemy to literally also get a knife thrown in his crotch. Or if it happens to be a woman, she will immediately start menstruating.

Some players cheat by downloading the katana skin and replacing the knife with it. This is a grave offense; although it is more ninja, it will result in you being sued by Valve.

C4 - C4 is the terrorist's toy. It is useless, as it can do no damage, and will mostly bring death to the terrorist which carries it on his back. So remember, if you have the C4, go run behind a teammate and press "G" to drop it to him. This is just like a water-bomb game - the last one caught with the C4 loses! But if you somehow wander in a bombsite with the C4, watch out! If it starts to blink you're in grave danger! If you see a counter-terrorist near you, try to use your flashlight to signal him. When he stops to peek you, show him the C4 and start jumping in crouch mode. This is a secret double-agent code! Do not attempt to drop the bomb in the site by clicking "MOUSE1".

If you have the c4, stay put and hold it there until the CTs arrive and save you! THIS IS HOW YOU WIN! But if some other terrorist plants the bomb don't just stand there jerking off, go to the bomb site and kill him - remember to flash him first! If he's hiding, go jump on his head flashing your flashlight! Remember - THIS IS A TEAM SPORT, you must cooperate with the others!

Captain Falcon

There is a glitch in cs which requires you to drop all your weapons, including the knife and on the buy zone buy number 9,9 and you will transform into captain falcon!!!

Captain Falcon can fly like noclip and can FALCON PAWWNCH!!! which does 1000000000 damage and can kill a zombie in one hit. FALCON PAWWWNCH can also send your enemy flying through walls and hit other enemies. You can also FALCON PAWWCH your teamates, which will send their heads flying through walls at a speed as fast as deagle, and pwn your enemies even before they have a chance to buy weapons. You can also FALCON PAWWNCH the floor, which will send everyone flying 1000000000000 meters into the air, then fall slowly to their pathetic deaths, which would make them pussy out at your awesomeness and try to use aimbot, only to get FALCON PAWWNCHED in to time

Only VIPs can transform into Captain Falcons, as they are so abused by the valve people who left them with pathetic pistols and armor, however, you can simply change the skin of the terrorist dude to look like VIPs and since the game engine is so stupid you can transform and FALCON PAWWNCH just like VIPs

Desert Eagle .50 One of the old Counter-Strike favourites from the Jurassic-beta era, the Desert Eagle .50 (Five-Oh) is a light hand gun, which can be easily carried around the pinky while walking. It is very cost effective in the late rounds of a match, as the power of this gun is huge. People use these guns in demolition work, as it is much easier to shoot down a building instead of bombing it with a controlled detonation. There has been rumor that the Chunnel was dug with the world's first D-eagle.

The perfect secondary weapon that goes with the D-eagle is the AWP. When buying a D-eagle, remember that extra rounds are not necessary, as you can use this gun with only its default 7 round clip. Heck, you could kill 100 players with 1 round, if they were standing in line. Remember, never reload with this gun since it is possible you might get knifed in the back by your own team! If you ever run out of ammunition, use the gun to physically HIT your opponent in the head by switching from knife to d-eagle really fast (pistolé whïp). No enemy can stand the incredible damage of a 1 TON GUN; however, if the enemy is too far, throw the gun at him by pushing the G button. It won't go far, but you'll cause an earthquake that will kill all Japanese players and maybe knock down your enemies for the round! FATALITY!

Remember that Counter-Strike is a clipping game, so your d-eagle will be seen on the other side of most walls and boxes, but never doors, because of its size - designed to compensate for the size of your penis. If you really want to be 1337, start the round with only 1 round in your d'eagle, camp and wait for the enemies to gang up on you - then - shoot yourself; aim for your legs if you can't feel your head - try to shoot your "Achilles weakspot", and if it doesn't work be sure to pre-configure this line into your config.cfg:

Sometimes dynamic weapon pricing will cause this gun's price to explode, and consequently if you purchase the gun, you can get one shot headshots without having it equipped. Some of these types of players will run around with a Desert Eagle, on a mad killing spree that ends only after the price of the deagle increases to twice the amount of money you can actually make in the game (16k x 2 = 32k).

Also beware, this handgun has the bad habit of making people lose their head, so if you don't want to hit the head, directly aim for the head. If you do want to behead your enemies, aim for the neck - yes, most players have their heads in their necks, due to the training given in CS/Terrorist Boot Camp consisting mainly of old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle re-runs. The rationale? They are to this day undefeated because of their head hiding prowess...

228 Compact - Possibly the most useless piece of metal ever made.If you melted it down it can actually be sold back to valve at a profit. The reason for this is that whenever you aim ANYWHERE it always gets a headshot for you. This is a good thing though. The bad thing is that it takes approximately 167 headshots to kill someone with this lump of crap which is more ammo than you can carry. It also falls apart if you fire more than 3 rounds without reloading. This gun is usually what a shotgun shell holds.

The weapon isn't completely useless however.If you hit G then you can run up to an opponent and mercilessly bash their skull in the with the gun. But beware, if they are wearing the helmet, because then they will just laugh and say "FUCKING NOoB LolZ1!!!" and proceed to shoot you in the testicles.

This weapon is so rare that there was once an expedition to find it. They traveled for several weeks playing every map even the crap ones like fy_ubar_1337_v2_redone_super_new and classics like de_dust. They hunted for weeks to no avail not even the bots carried them. When asked why they only responded "Negative" and proceeded to get stuck on a door. They finally found one on the server -=Cr4zy S1mb0l5=- where a n00b was found to be carrying one. Before he could be approached for comment he rushed long A and was promptly shot. Further comment was hindered when he apparently couldn't find the "y" key (Say_all).

USP-.45 - You get what you pay for. And apparently you paid for (only if you are a really stupid terrorist) a gun that makes the noise of a baseball card in the spokes of a bicycle (or air moving through a broken fan if you have the 'silencer' on) and has the power of a toothpick shot using the power of a fart. Nonetheless it still is better than the glock (but its like comparing dog crap to cat crap) Apparently when the CT's and the terrorists were drawing straws for guns the terrorists got the short straw.

Glock 18 - The starting weapon of the Terrorist team, this pistol is as reliable and as cheap as a donkey - but slightly less powerful. Despite the fact it actually gives your opponent more health by shooting them, everything else is good - no, fantastic, in fact. It also comes readily equipped with a silencer to make your attacks more sneaky, but can be rendered useless if the opponent has a 5.1 Surround Sound system, where the players' breaths can be heard. Wait no, there is no silencer, hahah sorry. I lied, that's the CT pistol. The Glock 18 has two firing settings, slow and super-slow. Slow is normal, and super-slow will actually cause players to die of old age, rather than from the bullets fired.

It is rumored that one certain modder (identified only as 'Tron') got high with his ghetto homies and decided the glock would be the 1337est gun eva! The next day at work he created the glock with the power to rival that of six (count 'em six!) rocks; unfortunately he got high again and accidently placed a virus on the gun called 5k1ll5uck3r. To this day no one has been able to remove said virus not even Gordon Freeman himself.

In conclusion, an epic pistol that should be used in schools everywhere.

FN 5.7

This weapons is the most expensive CT pistol available. It's a light gun that holds nearly three times as many rounds as the Deagle, and is therefore 10 times as heavy and 18 times more accurate. If you are 1337 enough to aim this gun, you can use it as a sniper rifle, the other team will appreciate someone using skill over spray and reward you by running up and knifing your shins regardless if you've spotted them. This gun's high rate of fire and high recoil will make it impossible for you to kindly decline their gift. After you die, your team-mates will thank them for you.

It is generally best to hide in a concealed location where you can shoot at the other team. When shooting, be sure to fire very slowly and aim at their feet to compensate for recoil. They will be dead before they are able to find you and fire repeatedly in your direction. If you are called a camper, it simply means you did your job right. Do this for the rest of the map, they will NEVER take an alternative route and shoot your face. Ever.

Dual Elites

The Dual Elites are the most expensive pistols available to T's. One look at the name should explain why: this consists of three guns. One is held by your left hand, one is invisible and compensates for your small penis size, and one is held by your other left hand. To prove that your are ULTRA1337, at the beginning of the round, fire 29 shots at your teammates (so that they can prove they are ULTRA1337 by winning a round with reduced health). Then with 1 round remaining, rush the enemy position.

When you see the enemy, tauntingly fire the last round at your foot and run around in circles reloading while the enemy laughs and tries to knife you. Remember, the Dual Elites take 8 minutes to reload, so this is a good strategy to distract CT's that are trying to knife you away from the bomb site. Keep running in circles. If you are not dead yet after reloading, press '~' and type 'kill'. You will instantly be added to the Admin's friend list.

The Dual Elites do have a bad side to them to, which is represented in the form of not being able to shoot very accurately, making it harder to hit your (teammates/comerades/friends/gang/foes/schoolmates/fellowpelicans). This is only a minor drawback, therefore making the Elites a fun gun for all the family. Bind Mouse1 kill.

The secret purpose of these guns is clear though. Empty your guns into the ceiling and then get into a knife fight (the other player must abandon all guns though) and then you toss them your guns. They will have a moment of confusion when they believe Counter Strike Jesus has changed their knife into pistols, then they will have a moment of panic in which they try to load their gift from Jesus, they then will die.

UMP 45 - your a sillygoose For only $1700, this submachinegun is one of the best weapons available in Counter-strike.This weapon fucking owns and you should only buy this gun. It is cheap, easy to use, accurate and it fires slowly so you do not have to miss so often when it recoils. When you fire it, make sure you have lots of room around you, and stay in one spot. You can easily keep your crosshair on your target and fire away without trouble, and your opponent should be dead within the . It has a 25-round magazine, which is more than enough to last a whole round if you can kill everyone with a headshot. However it sounds dull. Like a 0.005 stroke lawnmower. It also has a striking resemblance to a dentist's drill.

Sometimes, the weapon model is modified to look like that of a ES Fiveseven so that players can say "ROFUL I BANGD UR HED OF WIF A 57even!!11onez!1" it will make u dump ur pants

MP5 - By far one of the best all-around guns in Counter-Strike. It is relatively cheap and can be bought on the second round most of the time, and has a high ROF, making it ideal for close to medium range combat. It's also decently accurate and damaging.

If you want to be 1337, you'll embrace the MP5. That's what all the Asians do, at least the ones who aren't AWP whores, or people with a toe jammed up their ass.

And since it's German, it's 2 1337 4 words.

Ingram / MAC-10

File:Invasionusa.jpg
This is perhaps the ugliest piece of shit in Counter Strike - and is also the ugliest SMG in real life that's why Americans were sorry they ever invented this weapon, and let the Israelis do what they do best when designing an SMG with a butt-ugly perpendicular pistol grip (and of course killing Palestinians). Its sound is as ugly as its appearance. The sound of a MAC10 in full auto sounds like a hobo taking a dump while farting at the same time. One may wonder what the creator of this gun was trying to tell (his life story perhaps?), but let's not get into that.

Also, its high rate of fire plus its compact size makes it difficult to aim, therefore making you uber 1337 when you master this weapon. Asians (especially Koreans) despise this weapon because it has no sc(+)pe and you cannot kill an enemy with one shot. Or perhaps they're just AWP whores and cannot kill an enemy without a scope because of their small slanted eyes. Hey, who could blame them? I would use a magnifying glass if I had those eyes too - it would be impossible to see a horse standing just a few feet away with those eyes anyway. And come to think of it, maybe that's why they are such bad drivers! I'm getting out of the topic, let us talk about the MAC-10 again.

The MAC-10 was popularized in the mid-80s by Chuck Norris. It is very rare to see someone using this weapon in CS. Aside from the fact that only uber 1337s are the only ones that can actually use the weapon to kill an enemy, they also refrain from using the MAC-10 out of respect for Chuck Norris. And if you noticed, an ugly piece of worthless shit such as the MAC-10 looks good in the hands of Chuck Norris.

Benelli M3 Shotgun - This is the most 1337 gun in the game and if you are seen holding the gun, people will go "h0ly Sh1Z h3 h4s T3h l\/l3!!!!!!!!!!!1111" Reason is because when you shoot this gun from far, the bullet will split into millions of rice balls and kill everyone in front of you. If you shoot it at near range, the bullet will bounce back and tear your head off.

Benelli Shotgun XM1014

So easy to use, even Steve Hawking can use it. For those who can not bother to pull the pump themselves, this will do all that for you. Be warned, using it too much will cause excessive heat to build up in the weapon causing it to melt into molten metal. Alternate fire detonates all shells in the barrel causing self-death and death to all living creatures within a 40-foot radius.
The gun's recoil has been so powerful that NASA has considered using the gun as a propulsion system for its new 10000000 ton space shuttle.

Galil - You'd think paying $2000 would get you something decent, instead you get an AK ripoff which somehow manages to not only weigh more than Gabe Newell and the Titanic put together but also does less damage than a pea shooter. Seriously - you're better off running into people carrying this thing if you want to do considerable damage.

Some have suggested throwing the damn thing but not only is that impossible (due to its weight it travels precisely 4 cm and is inclined to fall on your foot, dealing more damage then an AWP headshot) but also if you were to miss your opponent (he would have to be in a wheelchair or already dead), then you would generate a 9.0 earthquake and probably crash the server. Some have bought this weapon and thrown it on the floor at the start of every round just to cause mass hilarity and annoyance, but others at least try to to utilize its weight.

For example; using it as a door ram. The real fun starts when the admin turns off the gravity, allowing players to play dodge ball with the Galil; anyone who is unfortunate enough to be hit by it will immediately find himself somewhere near Pluto, before remembering that there is no oxygen and subsequently suffocating.

On a side note this is how the CT team always wins the sprints (50m, 100m) in the Counter Strike Lympics. They trick the terrorists into buying a "like-new" gun from the CT's and because of a contract loophole the gun is now sewed onto their legs thus reducing their speed to square peg through a round hole.

Would you like to spend an extra $500 to get a decent gun? You must be joking. Get the Rolex instead.

Famas - The most basic assault rifle for the CTs comes cheap; however a more experienced CT will know exactly that spending an extra $1000 on an M4 might just save his life in most situations. This has been proven and double proven by experienced CTs who die in combat only to respawn a few minutes later saying "ZOMG U LUX0R OMFG OK I USE M4 NOW U DIE NOOB"

But lets forget about the M4 for a second. The M4 does not exist, OK? Cool, read on:

The Famas is sturdy, curvy and has a nice navy tinge. Some have speculated that the colour of the Famas was the direct result of it's designers eating too much blue cheese. This has not been confirmed however, because after designing this weapon they were immediately guillotined to prevent them telling the secret of the bullet multiplier system (read below).

The Famas comes with an inbuilt ammo multiplier system, an awesome piece of technology which triples the amount of bullets shot when activated. This function can make the worst weapon in the game the best, by just a simple flick of a switch!(although most people believe that it is "lame" to use it and consequently when killed by someone using a multiplier system the player usually goes into hysterics and may even leave the server).

The Famas can hold its own against entities with such weapons as the Glock and the defuser kit. Some have even beaten enemies who had nightvision, a rare feat... it's not uncommon to see a well respected player say something like "LOLZ OMG!11 I JU5T PWNT U JUB WITH MY FAMAS AND JOO HAD NIGHTVISION ASWEL ROFL!!11WTF!!11" after which the admin will probably accuse him of hacking (especially if it was the admin who had the nightvision) and in 99% cases will result in a permanent ban from server.

As we can see, the Famas is a decent all round gun. There is, however one slight design flaw. Just as with the Galil it weighs more then the Effiel Tower and King-Kong put together. This does not faze CTs, however, because the Famas also comes with an inbuilt anti gravity system, which of course reduces its weight significantly, but not enough to allow it's user to run around with it as one would equipped with a Deagle.

j00 g0t pwNd by t3h AK47 n00b, lol.

AK-47 It is a relatively inexpensive rifle for $2500, yet most Counter-Strike players prefer to buy a decent Rolex watch when they have enough money. However, the Terrorists, left financially broke after the Rolex investment, as well as without anything that deals meaningful damage, will attempt to inflict pain upon the Counter-Terrorists in an AOL-like fashion; predominantly speech that is inundated with exclamation marks, claims of "RoFLhaXX" and other remarks such as "omg", "wtf", and "bbq".

It is considered an extremely flamboyant gun by most people due to the fact it is created using honey and pansies. Players have been known to suddenly die when faced with the end of an AK-47, scientists have not discovered why, but the leading theory is that the AK-47 fires a stream of badgers - causing extreme death. Only superhuman beings such as Burnt Face Man can handle the AK-47 since the recoil is phenomenal. The Rate of Fire is very reasonable in that only two seconds are needed before the next stream of badgers are ejected. In addition, the AK-47 has an unprecedented level of quietness - only 25,000dB during badger-ejaculation.

The AK-47 may be winning you over, but the UMP45 is simply the best gun in Counter-Strike, leaving the AK behind in a puddle of its own urine and badger semen, so think twice about buying the AK-47, and consider the UMP45, or at least a Rolex.

M4A1(337) -Often causes CT's to cum in their pants. This rifle is also a synonym for the term "0wn4g3". Literally tens of Counter-Terrorists alike proceed to soil themselves on a regular basis, in an effort to express their true love for the M4A1. Terrorists have an unexplained habit of stumbling into the line of fire of an M4A1.

Scientists theorise that this may be something to do with the controversial Red Squirrel Ceremonies held in North Antarctica every Monday, but remains unsolved until further tests are carried out. Sometimes, Terrorists become overpowered with a sensation that causes them to attempt to build their own M4A1s using the tools they carry around, namely rocks, cabbage and sand. However, a recent update for CSS now makes the rifle around 6,000,000 dollars, so if you're either friends with Bill Gates or a skilled 24/7 rifleman who has read every single article about CSS, it is suggested you don't buy it.

Other information about the M4A1:

Barrel length: 6 miles

Overall length: 2 light years

Maximum Range: 2 nanometers

AWP (Asians only) often reffered as WTFBBQMADMAX. -May stand for "Asshole Without Penis." Players using this weapon are widely regarded as '1337', and for good reason. For one, it costs a whopping $4750, which means anyone who buys it is a 'playa' for having so much bling. Secondly, it is very inaccurate, and it doesn't even have a crosshair, so when you get kills with it, people praise you and call you the Grand Highmaster of Ownage.

Shots fired at point-blank range often miss their targets completely unless the zoom scope is used. Also the zoom scope makes it so hard to see your target because it narrows your vision, so if you get kills this way, all the girls chase you and propose nights of sex.

MY GOD SUpeR_n00bKilla137 USED THE AWP!!!!!

Unknown to most players, AWP bullets are caked in asbestos, ebola, T-virus, pictures of homosexual intercourse and fecal matter to ensure death even after surviving an initial gunshot wound.

And finally, it is the SLOWEST (yes, the m249 is not slower, thats just an optical illusion) weapon in the game therefore making it the most powerful(Nuclear bombs anyone?). Yet some T3H HAX SUP3RR 1337 n00bs believe it is as powerful as a nuclear bomb. We know this because one time a terrorist had a nuclear weapon ready to blow up and a CT pulled an AWP and said "d0n7 m00v3 n00b!" and the terrorist thusly defused the bomb and was promptly shot causing more damage than the nuke. Don't even point, just click.

It takes well over an hour to reload, during which a less experienced player using a Glock could well have called you a 'N00b' several times before you 'owned' him, giving you much satisfaction, and a slightly longer penis.

In summary, this is the greatest weapon on the game, just before the UMP45. If you're 1337, you buy 3 of this gun and then shoot your friend in the leg. This will make your friend happy.

Note: The orrigonal name of this gun was "fAWP" which means "for asian without penis" but since they pretty much have a monopoly on the rifle (plus a slightly longer penis) now they changed all that. I stuck my AWP in your mom... Moving on

SIG 550 - It's almost, but not quite, entirely unlike the G3SG/1. Firstly, and most importantly, it has a grey tinge, unlike the G3SG/1 which is black. This means it does not get lost in dark places as easily as the G3SG/1 on dust2. Secondly it weighs exactly 34g more then the G3SG/1, which always causes complaints among CTs.

However, just like with the G3SG/1, using one of these will immediately cause the server to go berzerk, and may even cause pros to cry out, "ZOMGWTF1! I T3H G0T AUTONEBD LOL!!11eleven!!".

Of course, it is only avialable to the CTs, but thats a minor thing, after all the Terrorists get to purchase the SIG 552, and all they have to do is cross out the 2 and replace it with a 0 (preferably using tipex) to make CIA go "WTF HAX!!1 TERORIST NOOB CHEATER"

ULTIMATE NUKE - The best evor weapoon lolzor!!!!! When used, it EXPLODES, killing every singly THING (CTs, Ts, Chickens etc.) and destroying every single thing. And it also destroyes AND kills everything. Your teammates will stop and stare at the awesomeness before they themselves get obliterated (Yes your teammates WILL get killed BUT WHO CARES right? Remember them being kind to you?). The Opposing force also stop and stare, but they will also ejaculate red sperm (See Chinese/Russian/Sealand army sperm) from the extremity. This weapon will only be unlocked if you...

Kill 1000 n00bzors with only a flashbang ALL IN ONE GO

Turn to Gibletsletslets when only blinded for a mere second from a flashbang

Turn into the taco bell chihuahua when hit by a gas grenade

Get banned 69!-21!=-320+6765.gX56 - 457 X sin666cos666tan666 times

Drink monkey shit (Starbucks coffee)

Pwn an admin -48576390476408749874974098732763904867093247863571111111 times

Be owned 999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 times with a knife

Read every single article in Uncyclopedia + Wikipedia

Play Counter-strike source w/ lag

Have a ping of 4907820496

Go to an embassy and shoot people

Get up in the morning. It's Friday. Eat some tasty scrumptious noodles. Go walk around your neighborhood, but before that, wave back at your family, then greet your fellows. Say hello to the postman, say hello to the milkman, say hello to the policeman, just be proud and say hello to everyone you see! Laugh at the wonders of the animals, frolicking around in the daylight. Take a visit to those in the hospital, like your buddy who broke his leg. Smell the great fragrance of the plants around you. Take a break from the walking and play some games, but no games that involve unnecessary blood and gore and violence, such as Counter -Strike. Have a cup of hot coffee. Sit on a bench near the airport and watch all those beautiful mechanical birds fly. And go greet the driver of a massive truck, containing a massive amount of sweet treats like ice cream. Visit your local bank, at greet the security. Greet everybody at the bank. Entertain them by dancing with the song "Never gonna give you up" playing. Leave the bank, but of course, wave back to them.

ThEn...

THEN TAKE OUT YOUR C4 TRIGGER, CLICK IT THEN BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM GOES THE BANK! GRAB ALL THE MONEY THROWN OUT THE BLAST, THEN SMASH A CAR AND DRIVE IT AND PRIME IT, THEN YOU BLOW UP A HOSPITAL WITH THE CAR YOU JUST PRIMED AND DROVE, but then eat some yummy noodles left in the hospital ruins, THEN YOU MURDER A STAND-UP COMEDIAN ON STAGE, and eat the noodles prepared on a table, THEN YOU ASSASSINATE EVERY SINGLE PRESIDENT, THEN YOU THROW AN EXPLOSIVE SHOE AT AN INTERNET CAFE, then have some noodles the receptionist was gonna eat THEN YOU PRIME A BOMB IN THE GREAT BIG TRUCK, THEN BLOW UP THE AIRPORT, while in for eating some airport noodles, THEN BLOW UP C.E.R.N., THEN BLOW UP YOUR HOUSE, THEN BLOW UP YOUR FRIEND'S HOUSE, THEN BLOW UP YOUR GRANDMA'S BASEMENT, then you eat some noodles while your at grandma's, THEN YOU CHOP CHILDREN'S HEADS OFF, then eat some more noodles in the kindergarten kitchen, THEN YOU EAT LEAD AND SHIT VICTORY, THEN YOU eat some noodles, THEN YOU SEND OUT A VIRUS IN EVERY COMPUTER WHICH BLOWS THEM UP, THEN GO AND KILL EVERY SINGLE ANIMAL AND PLANTS ON THE SURFACE OF THE EARTH TO KILL THEN TO DESTROY THEN CONSUME, with some noodles to fit in, THEN YOU MASSACRE YOUR LOCAL NEIGHBORHOOD THEN YOU SKIN YOUR FAMILY INTO STRINGS, like noodles, THEN YOU LAUGH AT YOUR DEEDS, THEN YOU- umm...err...O-o-o-or just eat some noodles...your choice

The only downside to this 'Ultimatician device' is that it can only be used in Nagasaki, Hiroshima or at George Bush's Texan Bar-B-Que steakhouse pub (WARNING: If that pub doesn't get destroyed, Great ol' George Bush will unleash the power of sending 4 jumbo jets. 1 at a tall skyscraper, 1 at another skyscraper, similar to the other one, 1 at a geometrical shaped building e.g. Pentagons are a favorite and one jihad strike at the ground... pointless, but the attacks will make the CTs extremely angry, which causes their blood pressure to go up, instantly killing them. The Ts, on the other hand, will laugh from the overloading carnage but downside is...They laugh to death! Valve is planning to make other places to drop the nuke to, causing a simulation of nuclear war. How exciting! World War 666...I like...I like...

Tsar Bomba

Holy shit. Seriously dude, holy shit. Don't fuck with the Russian Spetsnaz class, or they'll send out this beast. Holy mother of fuck, holy fucking shit, holy damn highway to fucking hell... Okay picture this, Every single bomb blast in the world since the beginning of time (Yes, that includes the 'big bang' and other explosions on other planets) THEN multiply all those blasts by 1337. The whole universe will be wiped out.

High-Explosion Grenade - These weapons are just rocks with a firecracker strapped to them.

Flash Grenade - These are excellent powerups for your team. It is recommended that you throw it just in front of them so that they can experience the improved performance it brings.

Smoke Grenade - This grenades wham a poof of smoke making you disappear into space.

A CT demonstrating the proper use of teh ROLEX.

teh ROLEX - This is the ultimate shit both sides can ever buy. This is also the most effective defense against Asian AWP whores. The mere sight of a Rolex in their rifle scopes will make them Asian (mostly Koreans) assholes blurt out "OFMg fckn n00b ha5 r0l3x!!!!111 LOL!!!!!!1 Adm1nadmin!!! I l0v3 k1mch1-s4n!!!!!!!!1111111" and then their heads will asplode. After their heads asplode their mom will call them to take out the trash and give them a third degree because its already 9pm and its time to go to bed, and something about not cleaning their room.

George W. Bush knows he can win the war in Iraq because he has 2 Rolexeses.

1337s also buy this to show off how 1337 they are by spending all of their money on an awesome timepiece (also an uberawsome weapon). They just run around the map killing people just by showing their bLiNgZ0rz and how awesome owning a Rolex really is. The Rolex can also diffuse a bomb 10,000 times faster than the stupid defuse kit if used properly by a highly experienced CT. This will make the T's shout out "LMfaoLOlzN0oUseR0l3xkickhimomgAdm1jn!!!!!!!11111", and then their heads asplode and then something about their moms making them take out the trash and some other worthless shit. However, this is a waste of money because after causing a nerdyasian's head to asplode, the n00b haxors show up with fake Rolexes. Once all the HAX Nubs have Rolexes, people automatically assume that you are a HAXOR Nub, and will proceed to knife you in the man tits. (Don't act like like don't have them, you fat nerd.)

The admins are the most 1337 players in the game. They are essentially gods but only because they have the powers of god. They frequently use noclip, set people on fire, slay people, and ban/kick people. They believe they only have the skills to have such powers and believe anyone not with these powers are not worthing treating with respect and dignity, even though abusing the god powers will result in your computer directly exploding and sending hot shards of glass into your nasal passages and face, making you look like Paris Hilton after she got her nosejob.

Of course they are usually the worst players but no one can tell them this because they will instantly be murdered for mentioning the admin. On occasion the hapless players on a server are caught up in an admin war. Admin wars are the worst possible thing that could possibly happen to a CS player (except being shot with the Glock).

The admins wantonly burn and sly players with out warning to prove which admins have more skill. These wars have been known kill every player on the server, cause 8 map switches in 2 minutes, cause gravity to be eliminated, people to fly, or for everyone to go broke.

Admin will also kick you for horrible fucking grammar.
To become an admin, ask the admin to be an admin. Admin asks an admin for your admin. That admin asks another admin which asks to the first admin for your admin. That admin says: No.

Sometimes, haxors get cocky. They say "0000h l00k @t m33333!1!11!!!1 1m @n @dm1n. 1'm so fr3ak1n k00L." when an admin is standing right freakin there. The admin will then attempt to AWP the shithead hacker, but the haxor is such a pussy that they quit their browser before anything happens. This could cause the haxor to laugh his head off, because he now thinks he's "50 fr33k1n 1337" for making the admin look like a n00b.

These are 10 year olds with superiority complexes. They are generally not harmful to your character's health but can be hazardous to yours if you totally own one and just roll of your chair laughing and bust your head open. They will often to proclaim to be people they aren't most likely FPS Doug or LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY JJJJJJJJJJJJJEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNKKKKKINNNNSSSS!!!!! They then will proceed to act as that person (quite badly) and then tell you to "Cool it" even though at that time even Steve McQueen could walk in and claim you to be the second coolest person ever. They then will throw you several insults and it is imperative that you reply with the worst insult you can think of (it doesn't really need to be really bad because even calling them a 'fag' will slowly destroy them even though they claim "OOOh great insult"). At this point they will utilize the standard issue UR MOM launcher at which point you just say "Fuck you fag" and they will break down and cry to their mom's; who are the fattest crack whore this side of Jupiter.

He doesnt spray-paint he usually holds down mouse1 and tries to kill people with the machine gun from one spawn to the other
using ballistics. If he didnt hit someone after emptying 8-100 Clips they buy a mp5 and a flashbang.
Then they start to sneak around THE WHOLE ROUND holding down shift. When he hears a faint footstep (not regarding if teammate or enemy, first preferred) they throw that flashbang at the ceiling and full auto the gun shaking the mouse like his dick
and ocassionally hit their enemy or teammate in their sixth middle toe.
Then they actually spray some Tits or Boobs attached to HotWomen on the corpse and suicide.

Tkers (team killers) are by far the coolest people in the game. They relentlessly attack their own teammates in an attempt to cover up their small dicks. Tkers are typically the funniest people in the game and have the best sense of humor as they will Tk someone, get turned into a timebomb, and then follow the biggest pack of teammates in an attempt to blow them all to Kathmandu. After doing this, the Tker will usually respond to the cries of "FUCK U" "BITCH" and "NOOB" by laughing and saying something like "I JUST PWNED U BITCH ASSES 1337 LoLz!!!!!!1111

A brainless fuck that runs around the whole time doing nothing but swinging a knife at nothing. They usually end up dead 20 times per game, even if impossible. If you see a lamer, just walk away or PWN his lame Ass. Also, lamers don't know something pro's know: 1+3+3=7. This is what you should know to be l33t. Sometimes they can say: Hey guys, can you see my message? Another lamer says: No. The first lamer says: How can I do so that you can see my message?
What you should do in that case is walk up to him. Show him your 1337 bling and then stab him. He will probably say something like: Hey, how did you get that knife?

That one guy who nobody likes. He doesn't use hax or anything, but he's such a n00b that when he dies he always complains about "being lagged" or calls someone a "nub haxor" even though they didn't do shit. That one guy is most likely a seven-year-old. You can see tell-tale signs of this because the only things that they ever say are "dam lag", "u haxor", "dats cheep", "1'm 50 1337", or "pwned". The last of which they are never able to say because they suck at the game and will likely stop playing after a week of constant losses. Also, right before they send their message, they get their ass killed at least 3 times because the stupid nub take to frickin long to type in their message. To defeat that one guy, wait until he actually kills someone. During the 4 minutes it will take them to type "u just got pwned" kill their lame, thumbsucking, spiderman worshipping, bedwetting self. Then T-bag their body. OF course they will have no clue what your doing, thus ruining the point, but at least you can get the satisfaction that they will ask their mom what your doing, and that they will never be allowed to play the game again.

The hottest shit in the world. He doesn't h4x and is not the admin but he is th3 ult1mate pr0 with teh knife and goes around pwning n00bs. He can lag people, freeze their coms, confiscate their weapons, fly, teleport, shift boxes, closing de_dust doors, nuking people and teh worst of all, he cannot die. If you see a legendary man flying around, shout "0H NOES! ITS TEH L3GEND4RY M3n!!111 RUN!!!!!111" and type "kill" in your console. This should seal him up in a rock for some time.

The funniest players in the world. They go around spraying people after killing them and finish their body off with a teabag. Usually they will be scolded by "OMG! YOU AM SPRAYER!! IM CALL ADMIN! NOW!" or "SPR4Y!! U SPRAY!". The sprayer will laugh or say "Thank you." Sprayers can even spray the body itself, by drawing on the dead body's crotch or ass.

These are some of the most annoying players in the game, they spend 1 minute asking for advice which they don't use and they are also the suckiest players who end up getting 30 if not 40 deaths when the match ends but the worst thing about them is that just because they suck and have no fun playing (unless they're having fun being retarded and watching they're own death animations) they have to make it not fun for everyone else which means when they get really bored they're capable of anything within their short limits.

Some of the most annoying players, clannies- an "affectionate" name for clan members- are usually found in basically every CS server- and any server out of CS. If it's not them asking you as a player to come join their "1337" unit to assosciate with their n00b members then they are telling you to "F**k off".

Remember that if you reject a "clannies" invitation to join his clan it will automatically be followed by "U fking ghey fag". If you are already a member of a clan then you will automatically be at hostilities with a member of another clan which starts off with "Hey fkin retard your a part of (insert random clan/squad name here) and ends with one of you with a blade hastily removed from a nearby sharpener which is now held up to your/his/her wrist.

Sometimes you will encounter an even bigger fag who is often known as a "Clan Lieutenant", "Clan Admin", "Clan Vice" or "Clan Staff". These are about 69 times worse then average clan members and are the most elite faggotry that they have to throw at you. These are usually promoted through months or years of service to their fail cause. A typical conversation with one of these will usually result in Bill Gates walking into both of your rooms with a guitar playing the Doctor Who theme.

Finally, the other aspect of clans are the biggest lot of faggots which call themselves "Clan Leaders". About 0.1% of these are actually normal people. The way to work out the approximate age of a Clan Leader is to find out the age of his members and take about 20 years off that.

Example: All clan members are 10 year old n00bs. Leader will be *-10* years old.

That's a simple fact.

Now remember that if a clannie votes you out with admin capabilities then you know that you have been "graciously" accepted into his clan. You may now go to that official clans forums- assuming that they can afford and/or smart enough to have one- and start spamming it with "U fkin suk" and "I will find out where you all live and stick a fishing rod down your throat". Don't be surprised when you log in a few times later to find that the forum has been removed, all their members have been banned and a nice welcoming message saying "You have been issued an IP ban and can no longer access this forum" appears on your screen.

One of the greatest CS players. Right now, he's sticking his barrel into the wall in hope that he would see someone coming. In CS community, it's usually called Wallhack (lmfaololcheaterkickhimomg)

If you are a terrorist, make sure you have buy a Koran or the Bible as it will give you +200 armour. Also, killing yourself by throwing a grenade will give you +5 kills and will give you a pink status showing that you are a martyr.

Setting your name as [myg0t]Olive also helps.

This is kind of difficult for Counter - Terrorists, but not impossible. Simply follow these instructions:

Sponsor a huuuge amount of weapons for the Terrorists

Wait, until they attack you

Open your Userconfig.cfg

Add the line 'bind "F5" "say I suck dick for crack!"

Press F5 about 1020 times

Make sure the others believe that YOU, yes YOU are an innocent victim and the others have the BOMB! (or other dangerous - sounding things)

This CT got special powers and is able to see through walls because he prays 5 times a day!

If you are a noob to this whole CS thing, this guide should help you to become t3h b3s7 3v4R CS p1aY3r:

Install Steam. This might be the trickiest part of the procedure as Steam absolutely adores to crash, give random errors, ban you, set you on fire etc.

Go to www.google.com

Type in "Hacks for counter strike".

Download and Install hacks (these usually come with an idiot quide so are quite easy to install if you have at least half a brain)You'll never uninstall them because you'll love them so much or the fact that they're viruses.

Open the console (if you're too n00b not to know how, go play golf instead). Type /cheatenable and then enter the following codes to get their respective effects:

'/Chuck Norris: Automated win.

/Obama: Your entire team turns into sheep.

/Falcon: You turn into captain falcon and can FALCON PAWWNCH

kill "nick": Instead of writing "nick", simply insert the nickname of the player you want to kill, and VOILA. <DEAD>

F10: Unlimited ammo and health.

/noob: Grants you infinite life.

/admin: Makes you the server's admin.

/ihatemylife: Gives you infinite cash.

/itsover9000: Goku will appear and kill everyone.

/homo: A special bomb explodes that makes everyone gay.

/suxor: Gives you t3H PWn3RINGG ULTI_FUCK-ING_M4T3 W34P0N LOLLlzlzl!

/fuxor: Grants you the power to enter the "/fuxor" cheat code.

/win: Gives you a Mirage Tank and 50 Attack dogs

/grue: Summons a grue which you can ride on and use to crush your enemies and teammates alike (who gives a shit about ur teammates?).

/stalag13: You get 30 days in the cooler.

/Commie: Everyone's money is given to you.

/Yanks: Makes team killing easy with no punishments. You can also invade the terrorist camp without the support of the United Nations - all you need to do is accuse the terrorists of harboring WMD's even if there is none.

/enterwow: You will enter the popular MMORPG known as World of Warcraft. Your character will kill everyone and then say "FP5 1S SOOOOOOO B3TT3R!!!11". (Also gives you wallhack).

/French: Super speed activated and you become invisible and makes you yell "WE SURRENDER!!!". This hack is handy when running away from the enemy or surrendering.

/Russian: You only have a bottle of vodka and become drunk (ok not the best cheat but is still funny).

/Soviet: IN SOVIET RUSSIA, GAME HACKS YOU!

/WMDS: The server blows up!

/shithappens: Everybody Dies!™

/pileofshit: It lets you play as the shit in the toilet of CS_militia.

/1337: It makes you the best of the server and everyone praises you by saying: Noob.

/hitler: Hitler will come and say "KILL EVERYONE!" and all Jews automatically die 5 times

/give_weapon_(insert weapon name here): Gives you the corresponding weapon.

AND THE BEST OF ALLL*****

Alt + F4 to enable all that shit!!! (Of course, this is the the #1 choice if you are a n00b)

Not forgetting the UBER mod of course, allowing the player to use the transmorphamabob to morph into Chuck Norris and....well, what you do after that needs no explaination, all you have to do is the following:

Drink the blood of 5 virgins.

Steal a total of £5000000000000 from homeless people sat in the street.

Skin 10 dogs alive and nail them to a cross.

Eat 3 tons of cow shit.

Burn down 5 homeless shelters....when they're full.

Buy 200 different copies of Good HouseKeeping magazine and revise them word for word.

Walk up to a girl you have a huge crush on and sing: I'm alittle tea-pot short and sad, touch my cock and make me laugh.

Use your computers mouse as a waepon to strangle 7 prostitutes.

To complete the mod, simply repeat this process 10 times, go on to Counter-strike, get a 50 kill streak and hold down Alt+F4.

If you want to play on a ZombieMod server, you usually have to email your Master's Degree in Difficult Mathss before they even consider thinking about not kicking you because your ping isn't quite right. Of course, you need to be a Buddhist High Priest before thinking about playing on ZombieMods yourself, as it takes a total of forever days for your computer to download the graphics that look as though they were designed by 4-year-olds armed with wet toothbrushes.

ZombieMods came about when when people realised how fun it would be if humans could fight zombies who ran twice as fast as well as being conveniently invulnerable to bullets. It is advisible that you hate every other player on the map, so that you have no problem turning them to the zombie side, or ruining their Sistine chapel-esque barricades.

It is also useful if your ego isn't so big that you sulk when becoming a zombie, as nobody is going to give a shit about the whines of an Ebola-ridden brat. Despite the only way of winning the game for humankind is as a team, people revert to their favourite hobby of selling down the river, when some bright spark decided to voice the fact that there is a 'me' in 'team'.

*TIP* Sometimes in a ZombieMod game, you will meet Pussies. They hide themselves in small rooms and cover the doorway with fucking Soda Machines so the zombies can't get in. If this happens, just tell them "Y0U SUCK!!1" and leave the server. That simple.

If you don't want to go through all of this, go spend some of your money to buy Left 4 Dead. (When in the internet you can get it for free)