Q&A: The Must-Have “Talk” with Your Daughter: Masturbation & Orgasm

My daughter is 12. Another mother brought up the idea of introducing the concept of masturbation to our daughters. I am contemplating this but don’t know how I’d bring it up, advise her, etc. For boys, it seems so natural and obvious. Girls have no road map to follow. Any suggestions on how to handle this delicate situation?

This is a question near and dear to my heart. I believe very strongly that since we are living in a society that is filled with commonplace references to penises and male orgasms, it is incumbent upon us to make sure our daughters understand 1) what it means to orgasm, 2) that girls and women orgasm, 3) that the clitoris is the seat of the female orgasm, and 4) that girls and women masturbate. Boys have a clear road map to follow, not just because their penis is right out there for them to see and touch, but because no one talks about women’s genitals and female orgasm. If such conversation was out there in the popular culture—and if female desire weren’t continually denied and denigrated—perhaps when girls naturally were exploring their bodies and realized that it felt good to touch their genitals, they would know what that was, know that it was OK, and keep exploring.

If your daughter were younger, I would urge you to find a copy of Joani Blank and Martha Quackenbush’s Playbook for Kids About Sex (Down There Press, 1981). It’s essentially a workbook for kids that explores questions about what it feels like when we touch ourselves and what an orgasm is. It’s a bit “too much” for many parents, but others of us who tried it found that our kids loved it. They have another book, A Kid’s First Book About Sex, which is also very good. Unfortunately, your 12-year-old is too old for either of these books (although you could give it to her just for fun, if she’s open to it), which brings up a related point that I often make: The more you start talking about issues related to sex when kids are young, the easier it is. Young children are not embarrassed by such talk, since those reactions are taught by our culture. It’s not like we’re embarrassed about nudity and the idea of sex from the moment we’re born. So get to them early.

But none of that helps you all that much, which only means that you are likely in for a bit of awkwardness. How you approach this topic depends, in part, on what your daughter already knows. If she doesn’t know about the clitoris and that the tissue is developed from the same prenatal tissue as the penis—that it’s a essentially a mini-penis with many more nerve endings—you’re going to have to talk about that.

For the purpose of this discussion, I’m going to assume that she has some knowledge of her clitoris and that she’s at least heard the word “masturbation,” even if she isn’t entirely clear what it means. There are a few techniques for bringing up such topics with older kids, but how you choose to do it needs to be determined by what you know about your daughter and what feels right to you. Here’s what I would do in your situation. I call it, “The ‘I Was Just Reading an Article…’ Method.” Needless to say, you need to read the mood and the situation (the car is a popular place for such talks), pick an appropriate time and place, and find your own words. Remember, some kids will engage actively and some kids won’t. I’ll just fill in how I think many 12-year-olds might react:

“I was reading something interesting today that surprised me. This article said that most girls think that only boys masturbate and that girls don’t—and they don’t really even know that masturbation is about touching yourself in a way that feels good and often leads to orgasm, or even what an orgasm really is. Did you know that girls masturbate?”

[I guess so.]

“I think that happens because you always hear about penises and boys masturbating in movies and stories and TV shows, but you almost never hear about girls masturbating, let alone about their clitorises.”

[Mmm.]

“I think most girls don’t know that they even have a clitoris, let alone that it feels good to touch it—that it’s just like a penis. The problem with that is that then when girls grow up they don’t know what feels good to them and then they can’t share that with their partners. And their partners don’t just naturally know.”

[Aaah! Mom, stop!]

If you don’t have to stop there—if your daughter is, against all odds, engaged or at least tolerating you—there’s plenty more you can talk about. Like what happens when a boy orgasms and that some people compare an orgasm to a big sneeze that’s been building up. But for most kids, I’m guessing you have a brief window to get your main points out there. You can see that even in that little that I squeezed in before my imaginary daughter screamed and plugged her ears, I packed a lot of information. All you want is for your daughter to hear you and know that girls masturbate and that you think it’s unfair that everyone talks about boys and no one talks about girls. Plus, you’ve told her something that she can keep in store for later—that she needs to know her own body and that a partner won’t just know what feels good to her.

Your next steps are to give her a book or two about puberty, if you haven’t already, and to leave a mirror for her so she can explore what her vulva looks like. Below is a brief list of books—unfortunately, I have not found a book for older kids that talks about masturbation and puberty. If anyone else has, please let me know.

The Care and Keeping of You 1 and The Care and Keeping of You 2, (American Girl). Most girls, even those who are already well-informed, really like it.