Tag Archives: depressed

so about a month ago i found out that i have this genetic disorder called Hidradenitis Suppurativa… in a nutshell, something is the matter with my pores and i get recurring cysts in my armpits and groin area… so i do some research and there are mixed reviews on whether or not surgery is the way to go because there isn’t in fact a cure for it… so i make the decision, after over 12 years of battling this, to have the surgery…

so here’s what they did prepare me for… before surgery, i had to pay a whopping $500 deductible… then i had to go in for my pre-op appointment. i then found out that i would be going totally under, which i had never done before… so after arriving to the hospital at about 12:30pm, i thought that i was all ready after not eating or drinking for over 12 hours. so i get the anesthia and i’m a light weight… in like 2 seconds i was out like a light…

i wake up at about 6pm coughing with pain under my arms… my throat hurts, i’m nauseus, and the only person i want to see is not there and i can barely understand my nurse. after getting some more pain meds and something for the nausea, i can’t have anything to drink. about 30 min later, i’m transferred from recovery to post-op where i’m hoping to see chris. they still hadn’t gotten him so i sat in the room waiting trying to figure out how to not be quite so groggy. coming out from anesthia was weird… it was like having the worst hangover and still being horribly drunk all at the same time.

so i couldn’t take my bandages off till yesterday afternoon and now i’m wishing that i could have just left them on until i was fully healed because what was under the bandages was something that i was unprepared for. taking the bandages off hurt like hell because i was actually pulling gauze off of my flesh… i think that what was most shocking wasn’t that my flesh was exposed, but it was the golf ball size holes under each of my arms what seems so earth shattering to me.

in my most recent post, i talked about insecurities and mine more specifically… i think that this was a shock to my self-esteem. but u know i think the worst thing is that i don’t know anyone who knows how i’m feeling right now… after crying for what seems like hours on end and not eating, i think i’m finally ready to pick myself up… but i’m not sure… i’m really down right now and everytime i take off my shirt and see how much drainage there is or the holes that are still there, i’m reminded of the insecurity that has not just doubled, but quadrupled… i don’t know if i’ll ever be able to look “normal” in anything that exposes my armpits… i don’t know if i’ll be able to apply deodorant or shave the same way… i don’t want to deal with the weird stares at the gym if i wear a tank top and lift my arms…