WASHINGTON—Amid intense nationwide scrutiny of the polarizing blaze, Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke on Tuesday came out in support of a controversial wildfire in Southern California. “While I recognize that there has been some debate as to its merits, I nevertheless see no reason not to pledge my support to this…

NEW YORK—Having put in 46 hours of hard work as sturdy packing material, a local block of Styrofoam is about to spend the next 500 years reflecting on how well it protected a blender in transport, sources said Wednesday. “Hey, you know what, I did a pretty good job shielding that Vitamix during that three-day trip,”…

CHEDDAR BAY, ME—Warning that local stocks had been depleted to dangerous levels, environmentalists criticized Red Lobster on Wednesday for its part in decimating biscuit populations along Cheddar Bay. “It’s no coincidence that the biscuit population has dropped an alarming 84 percent since Red Lobster was founded in…

Talk about an “oops” moment! The other day, after a White House staff meeting, I was walking past the Blue Room when I had this vague sense that I’d spaced out on something major. As much as I racked my brain, though, I just couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was. It was only later in the afternoon when I was…

WASHINGTON—As part of the office’s annual assessment of the safety and sanitation of the nation’s water supply, the Environmental Protection Agency released Tuesday a list of all municipalities in the U.S. where the tap water is likely fine to drink but tastes sorta odd. “Although the drinking water from the locations…

WASHINGTON—Sounding the alarm on yet another devastating effect of climate change, a report released Tuesday by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration found that even a modest rise in global temperatures is likely to increase the number of Americans who fucking reek. “If the upward trend in average global…

YALTA, CRIMEA—In what is being called the worst environmental disaster in the region’s history, millions of policy proposals gushed into the Black Sea on Thursday after a Brookings Institution think tanker ran aground off the coast of Crimea. “Cleanup crews are working around the clock to contain this massive flood of…

WASHINGTON—In an effort to reverse the adverse effects caused by years of neglect, the Environmental Protection Agency unveiled a plan Friday to drastically improve conditions for the nation’s sludge. “Our new set of stewardship initiatives will ensure the speedy restoration of sludge in ecosystems all across the…

WASHINGTON—In what is being called one of the greatest disasters of its kind, millions of gallons of oil began spilling into Washington on Friday following a rupture in Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. “There’s been a failure in his containment system, and now oil is gushing out of his left shoulder at a rate of…

EARTH—Noting that the species’ tenure in the leadership role has been marked by an incompetence and shortsightedness that has caused irreparable damage, sources reported Thursday that humans are facing increased calls to give up their position as head of the world’s failing ecosystem.

WASHINGTON—Designating the area a protected space where the blazes could thrive in their natural habitat, the Department of Interior announced Wednesday that it had set aside 50,000 acres of federal land as a National Wildfire Refuge. “This reserve will act as a sanctuary for our country’s precious wildfires and help…