The Monkey’s Paw Strikes Again

A lost portion of “The Monkey’s Paw” manuscript has been recovered from a basement in Kalamazoo, Michigan. It helps explain some of the oddities which have recently taken place in the state.

Here is the portion that pertains to the subject at hand.

“Wolverine’s paw?” said Mrs. White curiously.

“It had a spell put on it by an old Fakir,” said the Sargeant-Major, “a very holy man. He wanted to show that fate ruled people’s lives, and that those who interfered with it did so to their sorrow. He put a spell on it so that three separate men could each have three wishes from it.”

“And has anybody wished?” asked the old lady.

“The first man had his three wishes. Yes, ” was the reply, “I don’t know what the last two were, but the third was for football immortality. He was a punter from Australia who wanted to become a famous football player. I’ve procured a video clip to show you what happened and hopefully convince you not to mess with the paw. Here it is.”

The story continues

Her husband drew the talisman from his pocket, and all three burst into laughter as the Sergeant-Major, with a look of alarm on his face, caught him by the arm.

Mr. White dropped it back in his pocket, and placing chairs, motioned his friend to the table. In the business of supper the talisman was partly forgotten, and afterward the three sat listening in an enthralled fashion to a second installment of the soldier’s adventures in India.

“If the tale about the monkey’s paw is not more truthful than those he has been telling us,” said Herbert, “we shan’t make much out of it.”

“Unless you want crushed by the machinery of fate,” replied the Sergeant-Major, “I suggest you examine this picture of the aforementioned punter. In fact, here’s irrefutable proof that the Wolverine’s Paw is to blame for the mishap. Look closely at the punter’s hand right before he makes the dumbest play in the history of college football, and one of the most famous.”

Click picture to enlarge: A closer look shows that the Michigan’s punter’s hand is actually a monkey’s paw or possibly a wolverine’s paw. Although forensic evidence has yet to substantiate its veracity, there are plenty of irrefutable supernatural “coincidences.”

Not wanting to risk becoming a victim of fate, Mr. White took the paw, and dangling it between his forefinger and thumb, suddenly threw it upon the fire.

Herbert White became an assistant football coach at The Ohio State University where he won numerous national championships as Urban Meyer’s assistant in charge of finding third-string quarterbacks and magically transforming them into Doug Williams for big games.