Starting this year, no American will be forbidden from serving the country they love because of who they love.

– President Obama, 2011 State of the Union address

Since the president provided no limitation at all regarding who any Americans love, let us consider some imagined letters of gratitude, which, if ever written to or received by the White House, are not at all likely to be announced or spared from destruction:

Dear Mr. President:

Mable and I, whose nuptials were solemnized by a Massachusetts notary public who must remain anonymous (as must Mable and I), wish you to know how deeply we appreciate your apparent approval of our marriage in expressing your welcome of all sexual orientations into our armed forces.

That Mable happens to be a horse surely should not bar me from serving in our armed forces – possibly in Fort Myers’ Old Guard cavalry detachment, where Mable and I could serve together.

I am also in hopes that you will lead a movement to replace the unfortunate word “bestiality” with “I.A.” – for interspecies affection.

And:

Dear Mr. President:

Considering the founder of our state of Utah and his many wives – as well as the large number of wives the Old Testament reports of Kings David and Solomon – you deserve commendation for your announcement that armed forces recruitment will not be denied to any American “because of who they love.”

Surely the term “who they love” cannot exclude more than one, as you expressed it. And we presume, therefore, that you would include polyandrists (one woman with numerous husbands) in your newly enhanced armed forces.

And:

Dear Mr. President:

I rejoice that you have stated so definitively that “no American will be forbidden from serving the country they love because of who they love.”

You undoubtedly remember the outpouring of prejudice across this nation when, in both New York and San Francisco, members of our organization, NAMBLA (North American Man/Boy Love Association), marched hand-in-hand with the children they love, and who love them.

We agree with your apparent consent that adults of all sexual orientations should be allowed to serve in our armed forces. We trust that as commander in chief you will arrange facilities so that those children we love can be housed on armed forces installations.

And, finally:

Dear Mr. President:

We who have suffered rejection, denunciation and prosecution due to our sexual orientation of necrophilia rejoice in your announcement that “no American will be forbidden from serving the country they love because of who they love.” We hope for your assistance in making it possible for our orientation to serve in hospitals and in the Graves Registration Command.

For any who contend that the president’s reference to “who they love” was meant only to apply to homosexuals, lesbians, bisexuals and transsexuals (and not to real animal lovers, polygamists, pedophiles and necrophiliacs), there remains that life-and-death question:

Do any of these four other alternate sexual orientations have anywhere near the HIV/AIDS and syphilis rates – or the hundreds of thousands of deaths – as this nation’s homosexuals?