7 Obnoxious Assholes Who Show Up At Every Concert

#3. The Bootlegger

It's a pretty safe bet that, where there is a major band playing live, there is also someone in the crowd with $65,000 worth of pocket sized recording equipment. And you know what? That's fucking great! There is no better souvenir than a high quality recording of the live show you were at. With that said, the last thing you want is to be sitting next to that person while the tape is rolling. If you think we're cranky about the shenanigans people pull at concerts, we've got nothing on The Bootlegger.

That ironic "Members Only" jacket you're wearing? It's making a sound that their high end $1200 microphone keeps picking up, take it off please. Just where do you get off clapping and showing enthusiasm over an expertly executed guitar solo? If you want to express your admiration, leave a comment on the band's MySpace page. And that barely audible whisper to your friend about jumping the guy who keeps shushing you during a goddamn rock concert? Too loud, please limit any future correspondence to mental telepathy and hand signals only. Or alternately, just find him in the parking lot after the show. He'll be the guy driving the rape van with the giant antenna on the roof.

What They Think This Says About Them:

"I am a skilled technician who deserves the utmost respect and silence from a crowd of 20,000 people."

What It Really Says About Them:

"I may have flunked out of the audio recording and technology course at my local junior college, but the dream lives on."

#2. The Cool Parents

Unless you're checking out Hannah Montana, there is no good reason anyone under the age of 12 should be anywhere in your vicinity at a concert. (If you're reading this and you've been to a Hannah Montana concert without child accompaniment, you should just add your name to the sex offender registry now. Go ahead, we'll wait.)

On the list of things you shouldn't do with kids, immersing them in a sea of drunken revelers while jet engine decibel level music blares in their face has to be near the top. But the Cool Parent is too hip for conventional rules.

In a perfect world, the parents would keep a close eye on their youngster to make sure they aren't running around annoying the shit out of everyone else. But if they did that, they wouldn't be shitty parents and, in turn, wouldn't have a kid there in the first place. Instead, at some point the shitty parent gene takes hold and the kid is left to their own devices.

This usually means standing on the seat in front of you or somewhere in the aisle next to you doing spastic little kid dances in an effort to siphon as much of your attention away from the show as possible. And while their parents have honed their ability to tune out their particular frequency of annoying, you and everyone else get to say goodbye to an awesome evening spent rocking.

The average level of annoying is an 8.5, or level Pratt.

What They Think This Says About Them:

"I wish my dad was cool enough to take me to rock shows when I was growing up! "

What It Really Says About Them:

"I will risk my child's hearing to save money on a babysitter. "

#1. The Chronic Alcoholic

The Chronic Alcoholic is the alpha and omega of concert nuisances, a wobblier, pukier version of every one of the assholes we've mentioned up to this point with the exception of the cool parent (although there's a good chance they'll be peeing their pants and crying like a giant toddler by the end of the night).

Of course, there's nothing wrong with enjoying a few drinks at a concert. Who doesn't do that? But for the Chronic Alcoholic, drinking is the purpose for and sole focus of leaving the house that night. They carry themselves with a special kind of swagger that says, "Really, there's a concert tonight? I had no idea."

You won't even know you're sitting next to this guy until right after the show starts. Up to that point, their seat is completely unoccupied because they're out in the lobby getting trashed. But at some point during that first song, they'll come stumbling and slurring their way down the aisle. Once that happens, you're in for a joyous evening of off-key singing, excessive talking and unwelcome physical contact. In addition to that, the following things are all but guaranteed to occur during your concert experience: