Archive for the ‘Abuse’ Category

Actually we were both on the radio yesterday. Well sort of. We recorded two hours of discussion on marriage and divorce. Cindy and I are both christian and on our second marriage. In a lot of church circles this is not just a taboo subject to speak of but also a taboo thing to do.

Getting married a second time is just something that is not talked about in the church. Well during this radio show we discuss our personal stories of marriage and divorce. We also touch on the subject of abuse in the church, which is our main focus in our ministry.

We sure had a lot of fun! Two hours was over in a flash.

I will post links as they are made available. In the meantime if you want to hear other recordings of Cindy discussing abuse, visit our website at Hurtbylove.com

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My name is Doug Burrell, co-founder of a ministry that helps women who are married to super religious, super anointed, scripture spouting, pharisaical vipers who are full of dead men’s bones!

If your reading this letter it most likely applies to you. Who in the hell do you think you are treating a precious gift from God the way you do? I know how you play the game. How you are always faithful in church and how you put on a great smile with everyone you meet. How you are falsely charming to everyone BUT you wife! I know you have the pastor and many others fooled into thinking your the next best thing since sliced bread. Well guess what? I know it’s all a lie! That’s right! Your just a scared little man afraid that everyone will find out who you really are, that’s the reason for the show. Your entire life is an act and you know it! News Flash – The world doesn’t revolve around you, and NO your not special at all!

You tell your wife that she cant live without you, when it’s you who can’t bear the thought of rejection! I know that if and when you wife confronts you or catches you in the act of cowardice or betrayal you promise to never do it again. But it’s only temporary compliance to stave the Out-of-Control feeling that you are experiencing.

At some point if you haven’t already, your going to forbid (I’m laughing) your wife from even seeing her family or some of her friends because you think they are not a good influence (still laughing). You will bar your wife and kids from having any visits with these threatening people, because they are a threat to your plans of total dominance.Yep, just what Jesus had in mind! Shoot, I’m really blowing it!

Furthermore, I know that if your wife asks you to leave that you will become desperate and will call in the troops at church to rally to your side. You will paint the picture of a poor little misunderstood man whose wife is not being godly and forgiving. Or you will convince the troops that she is going through that time of life. This is where the scripture quoting is thrown all over the place! You will even have the audacity to say “I’m the leader of this house.” What a farce! Some leader you are, abandoning your wife emotionally, physically and spiritually. Not being sacrificial as Jesus says to be. NO your not, you think you are but your not! The fact that your thinking about yourself proves it!

Over the years your wife has forgiven you countless times and yet when she is at her wits end, you and the troops tells her she has to be forgiving! What a slap in the face, are you kidding me? You should just go crawl under a rock and hide somewhere at this point, you big sissy! It is only a fool that returns to his own vomit, and you want her to forgive you? Oh but wait there’s more! I forgot the almighty 70 times 7 verse! Oh what was I thinking? I was thinking she should have left you a long time ago Loser!

I also know that your religion and faith are a farce, because as soon as she leaves you your going to start getting drunk, maybe even smoke pot. You know why? Because it didn’t work. Your religion was phony from the start. If it were real you would not have been treating your wife with such cruelty.

You want your marriage to work? Lead with love not iron. Learn what love really is, love her and cherish her, she deserves it after putting up with your sorry butt. Above all else stop making everything about you, this is what got you into this mess in the first place. Oh, and lastly give your life to Jesus seriously this time. Either do this or lose it all.

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So a couple weeks ago my family went to Disneyland. I didn’t go because of my back problems. I have a ruptured disc that I have been nursing for over a year and a half. They had a great time, but when they got home my youngest step daughter told me “did you hear what happened when mom went to the 7/11?”

No, what happened? I asked her.

Well apparently as she got out of the car a man sitting on the sidewalk said “change, bitch.” Obviously a great tactic to get money from people.

As soon as I heard this I had wished it was the 7/11 close to my house, so I could go there and look for this guy. I would have went there every day and cased the store waiting for him. But, of course it had to be a 7/11 more than 500 miles away.

Then I thought what about my 19 year old step son? Why didn’t he do something? He is a very soft spoken young man and I know that confrontation is hard for him. However, I told him the next time something like this happens to go and kick the guy right in the teeth, and make him apologize.

I know if I was there I would have grabbed that guy by the throat and slammed him against the wall before making him apologize. Actually if I was there it would have never happened. Cowards never do things if they feel threatened.

I know that if your a Christian you would probably chastise me for saying this, I’m used to that type of mentality from Christians. “All that is needed for evil to prevail is for good men to sit by and do nothing.”

So whats the worse that would have happened?

Well the cops would have been called and my shy step son would maybe have spent the night in jail. My wife and he would have been traumatized.

Fast forward a couple days –

My wife feels honored, vindicated, and proud of her son.

My stepson tells the story to his friends and is proud of himself for protecting his moms honor. His confidence is bolstered and he is on his way to becoming a protector of others.

See a man must enter this part of masculinity and conquer it or he will be afraid to tackle difficult stuff when he gets older. If he doesn’t learn to physically fight his identity is stripped away and he will never reach his potential.

Islam in its purest form honors and elevates women, we are often told. But does it?

All too often, textual reality (the Quran) matches up with the historical reality of seventh—century Arabia. Gender inequality and oppression in the Quran reflect the culture of seventh century desert nomads. If Allah and Muhammad improved on this patriarchy, then they did not go far enough for a religion with a claim to universality.

Here are the top ten rules in the Quran that oppress and insult women.

We should make no mistake about this verse. It includes sexual positions. In a footnote to this verse, Haleem says that Muslims in Medina heard from the Jews that ‘a child born from a woman approached from behind would have a squint.’

The hadith are the reports of Muhammad’s words and actions outside of the Quran. Two reliable hadith collectors and editors are Bukhari (d. 870), Muslim (d. 875). The hadith come only second in importance and sacredness among the vast majority of Muslims around the world. Since the hadith is explicit, the readers are invited to click here and read for themselves, at their own discretion: Muslim nos. 3363—3365. See these parallel hadith here and here.

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Emotional and verbal abuse is a form of abuse that people rarely see or understand. You could be sitting right next to an abuser, and not know it. He could be your best friend, your brother, a police officer living next door or sadly, even your pastor. This type of abuser carefully creates a beautifully crafted shield to protect him from suspicion. He joins the ranks of those involved in moral activities and presents himself as a friend to all. He invests time, effort, and finances into these groups to thicken the armor of his shield.

However, slowly, carefully and calculated he begins his crusade of abuse. His wife selected because of a combination of low self-esteem, neediness and a moral inclination towards submissiveness has unknowingly been his victim from the beginning. In the beginning he presents himself as charming, loving and giving promising her the world and all that he has to offer. However, these loving characteristics over time, give way to his desires and selfishness. Whether formed out of his consciousness or unconsciousness, his plan from the beginning was total dominance and submission of all under his roof.

His wife, desiring to stay the course of a godly woman ultimately submits to his tyrannical rule. She believes that by loving and praying for him he will eventually see how fortunate he really is and returned to the loving, giving man he once was. But to the abuser this is only weakness to be preyed upon. Over time, the frequency and intensity of the abuse increases. At the same time the abuser is carefully fortifying his shield by attending Bible studies, coaching for school sports and rubbing shoulders with the right people.

By now his wife is very confused, wondering if he really is a bad guy. Or if she just doesn’t understand. After all, everyone else seems to really like him. If she were to tell anybody what was really going on, would they even believe her. Fast-forward 20 years, add children to the equation and you will find a dysfunctional isolated, fragile family. The seed from this curse has been planted, grown and flourished laying damage to all around. The children have two choices, either act like dad or act like mom. They will pick one of them to emulate.

This form of abuse is more evil than any other form. It would be like God being the good God that He is to us all of our life and promising us the kingdom, only to get there and discover its halls are full of torture devices. God has deceived us with charm and empty promises to make us victims of his evil pleasures and dominant rule.

By now, the silent victims of this that are listening to me are receiving vindication and validation for years of confusion and fear. But they are also very afraid. As a church or family that has been blessed by not having this form of abuse, you can help by acknowledging the seriousness of this abuse. If they approach you and expose the secrets of what happens in the prison of their own home, first and foremost believed them! Offer them any help that you can.

Get to my wife and I anyway that you can. My wife has authored three books, one titled “Why is He So Mean to Me?” Our website is www.hurtbylove.com and there we provide confidential help and a large amount of resources to free you from this bondage.