In “Onion-Worthy” News, Major GOP Candidates All Pledge To Be Hard On Porn

A headline that is surely Onion-worthy, but sadly is all too true. In October, right as then Republican front runner Herman Cain was showing his superior morality by denying he had extra-marital affairs or sexually harassed women, Morality In Media (MIM), the “leading national organization opposing pornography and indecency through public education and the application of the law (hateful, sanctimonious, self-loathing prudes who hate the idea of anyone being happy),” launched an effort to get presidential candidates in both major parties to commit to strict enforcement of obscenity laws. After all, what Jenna Jameson does with a banana trumps high unemployment, soaring college tuition costs, corruption, environmental apocalypse, outdated and crumbling infrastructure, external threats and foreign conflicts, Wall Street greed during a time of unprecedented income equality and in the worst economy since the great depression and is all Americans can think about.

Well, it seems Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, and Rick Santorum all pledged their commitment to the MIM pledge. That’s right, the serial adulterist was among the three major GOP candidates to agree to proscribing the one last pleasure away from desperate and unemployed Americans.

Former Senator Rick Santorum in a written statement:

“Federal obscenity laws should be vigorously enforced. If elected President, I will appoint an Attorney General who will do so.”

Former Governor Mitt Romney in a written statement:

“(I)t is imperative that we cultivate the promotion of fundamental family values. This can be accomplished with increased parental involvement and enhanced supervision of our children. It includes strict enforcement of our nation’s obscenity laws, as well as the promotion of parental software controls that guard our children from Internet pornography.”

Former Speaker Newt Gingrich in a face-to-face meeting:

When MIM’s Executive Director Dawn Hawkins asked former Speaker Gingrich if he will enforce existing laws that make distribution of hard-core adult pornography illegal, he responded: “Yes, I will appoint an Attorney General who will enforce these laws.”

Just to be clear, they are all running on a platform of LESS government? Oh yeah, that Republican truism only applies to less economic opportunity for the middle class and poor. Evidently, Jesus was much more concerned with what consenting adults chose to do for a profession than such ludicrous and inhumane acts as staying faithful to your dying spouse, looking out for the neediest, and adopting better energy strategies that do not involve pillaging an already exhausted planet with reckless abandon. And lord knows the founding fathers intended elected leaders to inject their warped religious views into the secular sphere of government. And do I even have to mention the irony of vigorously opposing pornography by a group of men who appear readily willing to screw the American electorate in public.

Instead of promoting social and economic polices that seek to strengthen struggling families, including mandating sick leave and parental leave, the GOP candidates would rather focus on ridiculously irrelevant issues that seek to appease a small but influential group of theocratic loons ahead of the South Carolina Primary.