"For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord..." Jeremiah 29:11

Monday, July 16, 2012

"Please keep hands and feet inside the cart until the ride comes to a complete stop..."

I have always been a fan of roller coasters. Roller coasters of the emotional variety... not a fan at all. I have definitely been on quite a ride since my last post. I was fully prepared for this 2 week wait to be anxiety stricken, long and extremely drawn out. Never could I have fathomed what it would truly entale.

From the moment we stepped out of the doctor's office, 2 weeks ago Thursday, I wanted to fast forward time. I've experienced the "2 week wait" several times in the past 3 years and it has never been fun. I knew this particular 2 week wait would be even worse for several reasons. One, we were now financially vested, aside from the $10 boxes of OPKs and HPTs, in this process. Two, from what the tests have shown, this "should" work for us. Three, I have this overwhelming feeling that this will not only be disappointment for Cozart and I (if it doesn't work), but also for all of you who have taken the time to read my ramblings for the past 3 months. The anticipation is almost unbearable.

After spending my first weekend post IUI trying to think of ways to fast forward the next 2 weeks; I received a call from my Aunt which would force me to slam on the brakes and want to go BACK in time. My Grandfather, who has been battling lung cancer, for the 2nd time, over the past year was, ironically, given 2 weeks to live. I was able to spend time with him while I was in Minnesota in June but never did I think it would be the last time I would see him. He was far from picture perfect health but he was up and about. He came to my brother's graduation and we went to the cemetery to see my Dad's grave. It's amazing how quickly things can change. Although I am selfishly, very sad at the thought of my Grandfather having limited time on this earth; I am overwhelmed by a sense of peace because I know he will soon be with his 3 sons (one being my Dad) and his first wife, my Grandma Clarine. He lost them all too soon and I know he has dreamt, just like I have, of the day that they will meet again. I pray for peace while he is still here on earth, and eternal happiness in heaven with those who loved him most.

As I mentioned, this past week and a half has been a roller coaster of emotions. Anxious of the wait to be over but cherishing every moment I can hear my Grandfather's voice over the phone. I am hyper-sensitive to every twinge, cramp, tingle, ache or pain I feel in my body. And crying over anything and everything that reminds me of my Grandfather. Unfortunately or fortunately, he is the one who taught me to drive and I spend about 80% of my day in the car. I can't help but smile when I pull into a left turning lane. 20 years ago, in my Grandfather's Ford F150, him the passengers seat, I in the driver's, I thought it was ok to make a right turn from the left turn lane. I'm glad I didn't lose him by way of heart attack on that day. That's just one of so many fun, loving memories I have of him. He's such an amazing man and will be deeply missed by many.

3 more days until testing. Throughout the day, I go from feeling really confident that it worked to thinking it's all in my head and we'll be trying for round 2 in another 2 weeks. As of right now, I'm thinking exactly that.... bring on Aunt Flo, next cycle and another torturous 2 week wait. Ugh!!! Only time will tell which voice in my head is right.

Until then, I would like to leave you today with the prayer from my Girlfriends in God daily devotional. It seemed so fitting for today and this week and I know a few of you may find it appropriate in your own way.

Lord, I confess that when life is hard, I tend to lose hope. I want my hope to be in you, Father. I want to walk in faith and in your will for my life. I am so tired of being defeated. Please show me how to walk in obedience, and by doing so, walk in hope. Amen