Tuesday, July 15, 2014

10 People You Will Meet on NJ Transit

I’m in a relationship and it’s complicated. Day in and day
out, my significant other is full of excuses as to why I haven't been picked up on
time. Last week? Inclement weather. The
other morning? Stuck in the Lincoln Tunnel.
Yesterday evening, he dropped this
bomb: All my seats are full.

The cold-hearted truth is that I’m not the only person in
his life. With 50 seats to fill and some major highway to burn, there are definitely many eccentric personalities vying for his affections. The following is a list
of 10 people you will inevitably have to interact with on a New Jersey Transit bus to or
from New York City:

*Disclaimer: While the below list is solely comprised of violators
of the Unofficial Public Transportation Code of Conduct, there have been reports of normal individuals riding
on NJ Transit.

1) There is an unspoken understanding among commuters
that, while the seat reclining feature exists, using it is just not cool. Try
telling that to The Recliner who
cranks back the seat onto your lap faster than you can say Port Authority.

2)Wasabi Peas
for breakfast? Why not! The Nosher
comes on board prepared with a fanny pack full of snacks. Don’t ask them to
share though, unless splashing grape juice on your white blouse is what you
meant by sharing.

3)Be wary of The Bobblehead, who toes the fine
line between fully awake and deep, deep REM. Pure exhaustion or the hypnotic
effect of the Lincoln Tunnel might just explain why the person’s head next to
you looks like that Vinny Testaverde freebie you got at a Jets game back in 2001.

4) There is no shame in trying to get some shut-eye on the
ride home. It’s been a long day—just ask number 3! But if it is necessary to
whip out an eye mask for the duration of the ride back to the Jersey suburbs, you
run the risk of being pegged as The Diva.

5)The bus was
supposed to come at 6:18 p.m.? If 30 seconds pass with no sign of a bus, The Instigator is pacing, sputtering
profanities and just generally stirring the negativity pot. Keep your distance unless
you want to be involved in a grassroots riot.

6)There is a
certainthreshold of iPhone earbud volume
that, if crossed,will out The Closet Miley Fan. You might
witness an incognito attempt to skip certain tracks. A song from Bangerz? Lets it slide. “Nobody’s Perfect” from the Hannah Montana 2
album? Immediately skips and hopes nobody noticed.

7)165P? 165 T? 165 FX? There’s a
difference? The Rookieis in for a rude awakening when he
or she realizes that there isn’t just one Yellow Brick Road back to Bergen
County (even though there is just one
winding line down the Port Authority escalator.)

8) Few things could qualify as more boring than the 16th century novel I have to read before the beginning of next semester. But for
some reason, The Snooper peeping over
my shoulder seems to think that it’s juicier than 50
Shades of Grey. Nothing to see here. Run along!

9)Your Duane
Reade hand sanitizer is no match for The
Contagion. This person probably landed the “Perfect Attendance Award” in high
school by infecting the entire student body, thereby sabotaging everyone else’s attendance.

10)If you
disembark from the bus seriously considering enrolling in the Witness Protection Program,
then you were unfortunate enough to have sat next to The Interrogator. Next time, while fielding extremely personal,
rapid-fire questions, try to remember what your mom told you about talking to
strangers.

***

Despite the crazy cast of characters and the number of times
I’m stood up, there is just something about NJ Transit that keeps me coming
back. After all, this Jersey girl has to get to and from the Hearst Tower
somehow! So while I may be in a love-hate relationship with NJ Transit, I’ll just continue to wait on the side of the road until
my dear 165 Parkway bus rolls up and sweeps me off my feet…eventually.