Message Boards

Topic : Things That Worked For Us

Has one method of discipline worked really well for you? Don't keep it a secret - share it with us!

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

Things That Worked For Us

I don't give in - people call me a hard ass but I believe that is how it needs to be in order to keep a happy house. I have 2 teenage daughters and one pre-teen and I have been a single mom for the last 9 years and not giving in to their every little whine or what has worked for me. When my girls were little I would count to 3 and by the time I got to 3 they new that if they hadn't done what was asked of them they were going to get in trouble. I also used to put all of their stuff in the middle of the living room floor(this is stuff that they were told to put away- toys, clothes, books, etc.) I would than set a timer for about 5 minutes and they were told that if they didn't get there stuff picked up that I would throw them in the garbage. I would have a large black garbage bag sitting on the counter. I only had to put the stuff in the bag one time(I never really took to the garbage) and they got the hint that the next time there stuff was in the middle of the living room floor they better hurry up and get it picked up. The one time I put there stuff in the bag I took the bag and put in a closet with every intention of giving it back, I forgot about it and found it 6 months later. When I gave the stuff back to my girls they were very excited. I believe that kids want and need rules, and having the rules makes them grow up to be better people.

Things That Worked For Us

My four year old likes competition and loves to win LOL. So some things we do around here is about competition and the work gets done. She likes to race against the clock, and is now picking up toys within minutes and even volunteering to do some things. Sometimes we even race against each other and her favorite is to get (whatever) done before daddy gets home and she is excited to tell him of her accomplishments. Also giving her a dime or a sticker on her sticker chart does wonders. I don't usually have to tell her more then once to do something and if I do tell her the second time, she loses a privelege. Works fine and dandy in my household,and even my 2 year old is catching on. :)

HELP IM LOSING CONTROL

I SEEM TO BE LOSING CONTROL OF THE MOTHER DAUGHTER RESPECT FROM MY 13 VERY SOON TO BE 14 Y/O DAUGHTER.... SHE IS A BEAUTIFUL, TALL THIN PRETTY GIRL, I DONT WANT HER TO DRESS WITH SHORT SHORTS ON OR A BELLY SHIRT, I DONT LIKE HER TO WEAR THE MAKE UP I TRY TO TELL HER SHE DOESNT NEED IT, BUT OVER TIME I HAVE SHUFFLED HER AROUND TO MANY DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES, AND I FEEL LIKE SHE IS NOW REBELLING FOR TIMES I MAY NOT HAVE BEEN THERE, OR SHE FEELS I DONT LOVE HER.... SHE IS NOW STARTING TO RAISE HER VOICE THROW TGINGS IN THE HOUSE, AND STOP OFF. HER ATTITUDE STINKS.. VERY SNOOTY SNAPPY. SHE HAS A 6 Y/O SISTER, WHO I DONT WANT TO PICK UP THESE AWFUL TRAITS. IM NOT SURE HOW TO HANDLE THIS, AS ANY STORY THERE IS MUCH MORE TO IT THAN THIS, BUT JUST TO GET A HANDLE ON THE ATTITUDE, OR THE GLARING LOOKS THAT BURN A HOLE THROUGH YOU......HELP ME START A GREAT FUTURE WITH MY CHILDREN, NOT AN EASY END.....

choosing our battles

I SEEM TO BE LOSING CONTROL OF THE MOTHER DAUGHTER RESPECT FROM MY 13 VERY SOON TO BE 14 Y/O DAUGHTER.... SHE IS A BEAUTIFUL, TALL THIN PRETTY GIRL, I DONT WANT HER TO DRESS WITH SHORT SHORTS ON OR A BELLY SHIRT, I DONT LIKE HER TO WEAR THE MAKE UP I TRY TO TELL HER SHE DOESNT NEED IT, BUT OVER TIME I HAVE SHUFFLED HER AROUND TO MANY DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES, AND I FEEL LIKE SHE IS NOW REBELLING FOR TIMES I MAY NOT HAVE BEEN THERE, OR SHE FEELS I DONT LOVE HER.... SHE IS NOW STARTING TO RAISE HER VOICE THROW TGINGS IN THE HOUSE, AND STOP OFF. HER ATTITUDE STINKS.. VERY SNOOTY SNAPPY. SHE HAS A 6 Y/O SISTER, WHO I DONT WANT TO PICK UP THESE AWFUL TRAITS. IM NOT SURE HOW TO HANDLE THIS, AS ANY STORY THERE IS MUCH MORE TO IT THAN THIS, BUT JUST TO GET A HANDLE ON THE ATTITUDE, OR THE GLARING LOOKS THAT BURN A HOLE THROUGH YOU......HELP ME START A GREAT FUTURE WITH MY CHILDREN, NOT AN EASY END.....

I think it is imporant to choose our battles even when it comes to our children. We may not like everything they do but if it is something that isn't gonna hurt them or just becasue we wouldn't do/wear something doesn't mean it so bad. communication is very imporant and I think if parents sat down with their kids on a regular basis and tried talking to them and discuss the rules and boundaries of the home together and even involving the older kids in helping with the rules and consequences, maybe some things would get better. I think there comes a time when we need to allow our kids to develop into their own personalities and likes, so what if she wants to wear make up, maybe take her to a Mary Kay party or something so she can learn how to wear it the right way. Make compromises with her about her clothes, come up with an agreement together, kinda let her take charge but yet have the boundaries for her to go by. Don't listen to the snooty attitude, remind her that she lives inyour home that you are providing for her and if she wants respect then she must respect you as well as the other way around, we teach people how to treat us, My children are still a bit young but even now I choose my battles and I have sat my 4 in half year old down and discussed some boundaries and have even made some compromises without crossing boundaries. It is possible to come to a happy medium wioth out so much tension. I know some kids are stronger willed then others but we must be firm and consistent and at the same time loving, caring and understanding, and realizing that they are they're own person and we need to encourage them to become the best that they can be but with out discouraging and saying "NO" to everything. I have worked with a few teens with home issues and really all they want is to be heard and to develop into their own beings and I think respect and encouragement are two good keys to help this to be achieved and sticking with boundaries and all is possible if the teen feels heard and accepted.

8 yr old with an attitude

I have a son who gets an attitude every time you ask him to do anything. If he doesnt get his way. He stomps off or yells at people. I am the only one he doesnt yell at. We have grounded him, taken away all cartoons, game boy, play station. All the things he enjoys. I dont know what to do. If someone does something to him he cant let it go. Yesterday he brought up something that happened in school back in May. A boy caled him a name. I dont know what else to do. Any advice.

Here is an idea...

I have a son who gets an attitude every time you ask him to do anything. If he doesnt get his way. He stomps off or yells at people. I am the only one he doesnt yell at. We have grounded him, taken away all cartoons, game boy, play station. All the things he enjoys. I dont know what to do. If someone does something to him he cant let it go. Yesterday he brought up something that happened in school back in May. A boy caled him a name. I dont know what else to do. Any advice.

Lora

How about a day of TURNABOUT...

Where you turn into him for the day? Start when he asks you for something. Pitch a hissy and stomp around. Drudge up all that old negative behavior and hold it AGAINST HIM!

Spend the day stomping around, and being a royal pain.

Then when you think he's gotten the message -- explain to him that THAT is how people see him, that it is completely unacceptable and you wanted to give him a hefty dose of his OWN behavior so he can see how it feels to be on the receiving end.

I've done this once or twice with my kids and they got the picture.

Sometimes I have let my kids get away with having an attitude up to a point but there IS a line that I DO NOT let them cross. I MAINTAIN that line. It's why I am the parent/teacher/guider. For us, yelling or any other kind of really disrespectful is simply not allowed or tolerated. When they used to cross that line they got some very eye-opeing consequences.

contracts

Where you turn into him for the day? Start when he asks you for something. Pitch a hissy and stomp around. Drudge up all that old negative behavior and hold it AGAINST HIM!

Spend the day stomping around, and being a royal pain.

Then when you think he's gotten the message -- explain to him that THAT is how people see him, that it is completely unacceptable and you wanted to give him a hefty dose of his OWN behavior so he can see how it feels to be on the receiving end.

I've done this once or twice with my kids and they got the picture.

Sometimes I have let my kids get away with having an attitude up to a point but there IS a line that I DO NOT let them cross. I MAINTAIN that line. It's why I am the parent/teacher/guider. For us, yelling or any other kind of really disrespectful is simply not allowed or tolerated. When they used to cross that line they got some very eye-opeing consequences.

Hope that helps. Q

dr. phil has on his website a contract that u can use with ur kids. we have seven kids in our house and it used to get crazy before we used the contracts. now everything runs very smoothlyeven though four of the kids have adhd and three have oppositional defiant disorder. they do their chores on time and r to bed on time, plus they r all very respectful. their ages run from age 4-16. for the younger kids, i just put pictures of their favorite cartoon characters, but it works really well as long as ur consistent with it. one month i was not consistent and i could tell. u need to change it every month and have a family meeting to discuss the changes being made, but our house is very peaceful now, even though we have seven boys. hope u give it a try. just look under discipline advice on the website and look up contract on search. change it to how it fits ur family. there is also a copy of it in FAMILY FIRST. he will argue about it at first, but after the first month he will know what to expect and u will be absolutely amazed as long as u follow thru. i thank dr. phil every day!!!! GOOD LUCK!!

yep I have done this too

Where you turn into him for the day? Start when he asks you for something. Pitch a hissy and stomp around. Drudge up all that old negative behavior and hold it AGAINST HIM!

Spend the day stomping around, and being a royal pain.

Then when you think he's gotten the message -- explain to him that THAT is how people see him, that it is completely unacceptable and you wanted to give him a hefty dose of his OWN behavior so he can see how it feels to be on the receiving end.

I've done this once or twice with my kids and they got the picture.

Sometimes I have let my kids get away with having an attitude up to a point but there IS a line that I DO NOT let them cross. I MAINTAIN that line. It's why I am the parent/teacher/guider. For us, yelling or any other kind of really disrespectful is simply not allowed or tolerated. When they used to cross that line they got some very eye-opeing consequences.

Hope that helps. Q

I have done that too and it actually does show them a dramatic picture of what they look like. My son is 5 almost 6 and has the same sorts of "attitude problems" at times. I also take away all of his earned privledges and most of the time that works.

When he is being especially whiny though I have imitated him just like the previous poster described, not all day, just for a minute or two.

He looked at me with wide eyes the first time and then started busting out laughing. Then he said...no wonder people want to keep poking at me when I'm mad...that was pretty funny mom"

He got the picture...now if I ever do that he just laughs and says nothing but his behaviour improves immediately.

I'm a mom of boys but...

I SEEM TO BE LOSING CONTROL OF THE MOTHER DAUGHTER RESPECT FROM MY 13 VERY SOON TO BE 14 Y/O DAUGHTER.... SHE IS A BEAUTIFUL, TALL THIN PRETTY GIRL, I DONT WANT HER TO DRESS WITH SHORT SHORTS ON OR A BELLY SHIRT, I DONT LIKE HER TO WEAR THE MAKE UP I TRY TO TELL HER SHE DOESNT NEED IT, BUT OVER TIME I HAVE SHUFFLED HER AROUND TO MANY DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES, AND I FEEL LIKE SHE IS NOW REBELLING FOR TIMES I MAY NOT HAVE BEEN THERE, OR SHE FEELS I DONT LOVE HER.... SHE IS NOW STARTING TO RAISE HER VOICE THROW TGINGS IN THE HOUSE, AND STOP OFF. HER ATTITUDE STINKS.. VERY SNOOTY SNAPPY. SHE HAS A 6 Y/O SISTER, WHO I DONT WANT TO PICK UP THESE AWFUL TRAITS. IM NOT SURE HOW TO HANDLE THIS, AS ANY STORY THERE IS MUCH MORE TO IT THAN THIS, BUT JUST TO GET A HANDLE ON THE ATTITUDE, OR THE GLARING LOOKS THAT BURN A HOLE THROUGH YOU......HELP ME START A GREAT FUTURE WITH MY CHILDREN, NOT AN EASY END.....

When my son was 16, we went through a period of me hating everything he wore and him seeming to want to shock me at every turn with his choices.&nbsp

&nbsp

My husband and I took a deep breath and decided what our priorities were. We sat my son down after our own talk and asked him how he felt we were being unfair. He said it seemed like no matter what he wore, we noticed and commented negatively. I hadn't realized we were doing that, even though I shuddered when I saw him *lol* &nbsp

We instituted a "time out" rule where he could make that signal when we were "doing it again" and we'd stop and give him a chance to talk to us. When he was getting ornery, we made the time out sign and he'd stop and listen. &nbsp

&nbsp

We agreed that his hair was all his. We wouldn't comment on anything he chose to do with it.&nbsp

He was going through a punk phase and all of his friends had mulitple piercings (what are those parents thinking????). We agreed that he could have one piercing so long as it was somewhere that wouldn't show when he removed it once his adult self became mortified at his childish self. He pierced his eyebrow and it promptly became infected even though he took care of it. He's 18 now and has never mentioned piercings or tattoo's again :) and you can't see any evidence of his previous piercing. &nbsp

&nbsp

Our biggest buggaboo was the underwear showing over the jeans and he agreed to wear a belt and shortly after, started buying jeans in his own size. A wonderful girl told him he had a cute butt so now his jeans are all fitted and neat. His hair has now been about 6 colours and was long for 2 years but suddenly, it's back to his own lovely golden brown and it's short and tidy with no nagging from us. &nbsp

&nbsp

Talking and compromise on both sides really worked well for us. &nbsp

When my son wanted hair colour or his piercing, we didn't pay for it. He had to earn his own money and he saved for ages to pay a hairdresser to put his hair in dreadlocks. When he finally finished saving, he decided to use the money for an IPod instead and now he's outgrown dreadlocks. I'm quite sure in retrospect that if my husband or I had gone against our "your hair is yours so you can do what you want with it", he would have dreadlocks today.&nbsp

&nbsp

Once my son let us know that we were always criticizing him, we took a look at our own behaviour and, in fact, we were usually disagreeing with his choices. When we dropped our "attitudes", his also seemed to disappear. &nbsp

&nbsp

Kids want and need both boundaries and freedom. It's a tough balance but the best example you can set for the 6 year old is that you are willing to listen and respect her older sister's ideas. You don't have to give in to inappropriate clothing but maybe a belly shirt with jeans would work or allowing her to use age appropriate make up. My sis has a girl's day out with her 13 y/o daughter once a month where they get manicures/pedicures and my neice gets to choose whatever colour polish she wants. They also go to the department store and try out fragrances and get mini makeovers. My niece wore makeup at first but quickly tired of it when the novelty wore off. :)&nbsp

Things That Worked For Us

Things That Worked For Us
I don't give in - people call me a hard ass but I believe that is how it needs to be in order to keep a happy house. I have 2 teenage daughters and one pre-teen and I have been a single mom for the last 9 years and not giving in to their every little whine or what has worked for me. When my girls were little I would count to 3 and by the time I got to 3 they new that if they hadn't done what was asked of them they were going to get in trouble. I also used to put all of their stuff in the middle of the living room floor(this is stuff that they were told to put away- toys, clothes, books, etc.) I would than set a timer for about 5 minutes and they were told that if they didn't get there stuff picked up that I would throw them in the garbage. I would have a large black garbage bag sitting on the counter. I only had to put the stuff in the bag one time(I never really took to the garbage) and they got the hint that the next time there stuff was in the middle of the living room floor they better hurry up and get it picked up. The one time I put there stuff in the bag I took the bag and put in a closet with every intention of giving it back, I forgot about it and found it 6 months later. When I gave the stuff back to my girls they were very excited. I believe that kids want and need rules, and having the rules makes them grow up to be better people.

&nbsp

&nbsp

I really agree with you and I do the same thing when I can. There are times it might not work with my 10 year old daughter so I have to change my tactics to something more severe but not much. I am so glad to hear that I am not the only one who uses these same techniques. Thank you for posting your message. It sure makes me feel like I am not alone in this world.&nbsp