Wyo's Duck washing. yes that's right, Duck washing Page

Wyo's note: What follows below is my wife's
view of my participation on a my companies oil spill response team. To anyone
from my company who reads this, the opinions expressed are my wife's and not
mine. With that said when I read this the first time way back in '91 I
laughed till it hurt. It must have looked nuts to an outsider especially one who
is married to a certified or is that certifiable "duck washer"........ By the
way my Duck washing days ended in 2003 after our move to Houston when someone
asked the question " Why is a geologist washing ducks?" It was fun while it
lasted.

Dear Mom and Dad,

Jonesy is gone to wash ducks. Wooden ducks. No,
I'm not making this up -- though I wish I was. It's not what I
expected him to be doing when I helped to support him through
those grueling years of advanced education.

I'm afraid the ducks are just the beginning. He's
going to learn to wash all sorts of critters -- all because of
the Valdez. Spilling oil all over Alaska was very bad for Exxon's
Public Relations. Now people think they are a Big, Bad Oil
Company. So the corporate types decided to teach their employees
to wash critters so they'd look like a Kinder, Gentler Oil
Company.

Phase I of this master plan was to recruit an
"E-lert Team" to respond quickly and decisively when a
tanker makes a mess on the environment. I don't know why they
picked Jonesy for the Natural Resources Response Group. He's not
exactly Speedy Gonzales (though he is much
cuter). His normal range of operation occurs in a Geologic Time
frame of plus or minus a million years. His personal theory on
being chosen is that someone heard he's actually seen critters in
their natural environment. When added to the "ologist"
of his Geologist designation, this was enough to equal
"natural born duck washer" in a corporate brain.

His training began with a trip to Newark. This
sounded very fishy.

"Exxon is paying to fly you all the way to
Newark to learn to wash oily ducks?"

"It's not something I can learn to do just
anywhere," he said. "There's not a lot of demand for
duck-washing schools."

This made enough sense to be scary. It was even
scarier when he came back a certifiable -- I mean -- certified
duck washer. I guess I wasn't impressed enough with his new
credentials, because he decided to share his newfound knowledge
with me, despite the fact I'd never met and never expected to
meet a duck I wanted to wash. But if I do, I now know that it
takes three gallons of Dawn Dishwashing Liquid. It seems they use
Dawn because it dissolves oil without dissolving the duck.

I examined the mark. "If you dirtied a duck,
then washed it with Dawn, I'm not surprised it bit you."

"I didn't oil it first. That would be
inhumane!"

But washing a clean duck with three gallons of
Dawn wasn't?

The next phase of Jonesy's training was the
"surprise" drill (which would have been more of a
surprise if it hadn't been noted down on a company-wide
calendar). As he stuffed gear into his duffel, Jonesy complained
loudly about the interruption to his busy schedule. But I could
tell he was excited to get out in the flora and fauna where oil
usually gets spilled and test his new-found skills on the wooden
ducks they'd be using for the "exercise" (read
"duck games" here) decked out like a right-wing
paramilitary group -- except for being armed with Dawn instead of
assault weapons filled with paint.

That's where he is now. Out in the swamp in the
rain answering to the code name "Birdman," sitting in a
boat named the "Mallard" with three other duck experts,
being guided by "Duck Hawk" (helicopter), and trying to
scoop up wooden ducks with a bloated butterfly net while not
knocking each other out of the boat. If he gets his duck, he then
turns it in at the "duck dock" (shore), and reports to
"duck central" (command center) where he will attempt
to get his ducks in a row by mopping them up with Dawn.

Personally, I think they are all
quacked up.

Love,

pj

A version of this column originally appeared in The
Lovell Chronicle on December 24, 1991.