CHAOS IN CASPAK: A BLADE SPECIAL REPORT FROM
JASOOM'sLAND THAT TIME FORGOT

Blows exchanged at UT

UNITED TRIBES -- The Band-lu and Sto-lu ambassadors to the United Tribes
came to blows yesterday during talks aimed at resolving their nations'
war. Both were hospitalized with broken noses. The Sto-lu ambassador, Bork,
also had a spear surgically removed from his ass.

Adalu Steven-so, the Galu UT ambassador, was flung from atop the three-story
United Tribes building in the Galu capital when he tried to break up the
fracas. "Let them all whack each other to bits," Steven-so said later from
his hospital bed. "They're animals."

Meanwhile, Galu Secretary of State Henre Kissing-Jo was forced to resign
his post when a Galu evolution subcommittee ruled that he had come up from
the Kro-lu before his Time. "In fact, we're pretty sure he's still just
a Band-lu," the subcommittee report concluded.

Kissing-Jo was immediately drafted by the Band-lu military and sent
to the front.

But editor, ugly-one name Doug McClure, who no can act worth atis droppings,
say Ahm go. So, Ahm pack lunch and go see war between Sto-lu and Band-lu.

Before Ahm get front, stop for lunch many times. Ahm not eat lunch.
Ahm be lunch for thunder lizards. Ahm smart. Ahm run.

Ahm maybe find wife once, but she busy in pool making tadpoles, so Ahm
keep go North, and think about time when Ahm just little tadpole swimming,
swimming, swimming. Surprise Ahm never be lunch in those day. Best tadpole
friend, Gunk, be lunch for bluegill once, then bluegill be lunch for atis,
then atis be lunch for jo-oo. Is life in Caspak, cor sva jo.

At front, Ahm much impressed by advanced technology. Sto-lu fire-power
appalling. Hatchets so much finer than club of Ahm. Sharp!

Spear of Band-lu probably spell doom of Caspak. Kill from distance,
like bang-spear of Tyler. Ahm hit in backside and must sit down on soft-only
grasses for two day.

Band-lu chief To-Jo give Ahm interview when see Ahm wear "Press" hat.

"President Clin-Tun of the Galu must not interfere with war," say To-Jo.
"Band-lu strong! Kill Sto-lu, then kill Galu!"

Ahm ask To-Jo why have war with tribe cor sva jo. "They is ugly,"
he say.

After the recent sex scandal involving Tara of Helium, Jasoomian Elmo
Lincoln is attempting to rebuild his reputation by starring in a big-budget
movie called "Whiteskin of the White Apes."

Rumors are running rampant that Elmo killed a banth yesterday during
filming.

"It was awesome!" said film spokesman Ga-Be. "The banth went wild, mauling
several crewmen before Elmo leaped on the animal's back and stabbed him
to death, saving hundreds of people."

But one crewman painted a different picture of the incident.

"I doubt if Elmo killed a banth," said the crewman, who asked to remain
nameless. "He sure didn't kill it using that prop butter knife."

"Yes, Elmo did kill a banth," added another assistant on the set. "But
it was an old, declawed, defanged, drugged, nine-legged banth."

Elmo himself was sporting a big grin during a meeting with entertainment
reporters.

"I'm just glad there are no animal rights activists on this planet,"
he said. "After I killed the banth, the crowd cheered."

Meanwhile, an unidentified wildman is wanted for disturbing the peace
on the set, which is on location in the Great Toonolian Marshes.

At first, authorities thought it was Lincoln himself who was running
around in a loincloth, screaming at the top of his lungs, and crashing
into trees.

But that speculation proved untrue, and some experts now believe a real-life
jungle lord might be roaming the marshes.

Animal expert Jayna Goodo reports observing a savage human cavorting
with a tribe of wild soraks in the region.

The age of the suspected wildman would correspond with the crash of
a royal flier from Ptarth about 18 years ago.

"My brother's wife had just laid her egg and they were on their way
to Helium to visit Thuvia," said the Jeddak of Ptarth, Thuvan Dihn. "They
were never heard from again. By the whiskers of my first ancestor! Could
this 'jungle lord' be my little nephew, Lord Bloomstoke, raised by wild
house pets?"

Handwriting experts are examining a black book found near the wreckage
of a flier.

The task has proven difficult because the book is written in Warhoon,
according to a drunken source.

"And they don't use nouns," the source slurred.
.

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EDITORIAL

Ban the Gridley Wave!

When the Jasoomian inventor Jason Gridely established contact with Barsoom,
this newspaper was the first to declare it a great breakthrough. At first,
there was valuable communication among individuals from each planet. Tan
Hadron of Hastor told Earthmen a tale of his adventures. Likewise, Fred
Jenkins of Franksville, Wisconsin, regaled us "Martians" with stories of
his heroic feats of beer drinking and eating bratwurst.

When Gridley began broadcasting Jasoomian commercial radio to Barsoomian
listeners, however, we became concerned. "Rock and Roll" corrupted our
youth. Instead of strapping longswords to their hips, rebellious youngsters
gyrated them obscenely. Instead of marching off to war to the glorious
hymns of their various homelands, the music of Bob Dylan drove them to
protest war!

And then, the most insidious assault of all invaded Barsoom's airwaves:
A thing called "television."

Now, we endure re-runs of "The Love Boat," and "The Jeffersons." Glassy-eyed
children argue with their stupified parents over who controls the remote.
The sleeping silks and furs go without afternoon airing, because it would
interfere with our princesses' soaps.

John Wayne war movies are the only thing on "TV" that are worth watching.
But that's not enough.

It has to stop! BAN THE GRIDLEY WAVE! Before it's too late.
.

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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

PRINCE DEFENDS HIS INVENTION

To the Editor:
I take exception to the recent editorial in The Blade, "Unsafe at Any
Speed," which alleges that my directional compass is the greatest danger
to Barsoomian motorists since green men began carrying radium rifles.

The unfortunate mishaps which you unfairly allude to were entirely the
fault of unscrupulous conspirators and were in no way reflective of the
device's performance in the field. Furthermore, I resent the implication
that funding for the invention came about because of my father's position.
I demand a retraction.
Sincerely,
Carthoris

WRITER OPPOSES DEMOCRACY

Sir:
I must disagree with this latest proposal calling for democratic elections
in Helium. The thought of televised debates, "photo-ops" and other disagreeable
electioneering just smacks of heresy. What is wrong, I ask you, with a
benevolent monarchy such as the one that has worked here for 10,000 generations?
Tardos Mors

BRA WANTS NO RESTRICTIONS

To the editor:
The Barsoomian Rifle Association is disturbed by the latest proposals
for limiting access to handguns. There is absolutely no need to wait a
full minute to purchase a radium pistol. When you need a weapon, you need
it NOW! When will these bureaucratic ulsios realize that?
Bubba Blortas

KALDANE SEES DISCRIMINATION

Gentlemen:
They say discrimination no longer exists in Helium, but I'm here to
tell you that it does. I recently tried to get a table at "21," but was
told none were available. What a crock!

I was about to leave when a red man and his princess were seated immediately.
Needless to say, I detached myself from my rykor and created a near-riot
by prancing about the dining room until I was finally given a table and
big honking platter of raw ulsio, which was quite tasty, by the way.
Ghek

BEING JED IS LIKE A WARM BUCKET OF SPIT

Sir:
You'd think that being Jed of a fine city like Lesser Helium would
be a great and satisfying job. It isn't.

You don't get the glory, or the chicks, unless you're a full-blown Jeddak.
And the old man is only 703-years- old, so I've still got a couple centuries
to wait before he kicks off and leaves me with the title. A warm bucket
of spit has more fun than a Jed.
Mors Kajak

DEAR DEJAHAdvice from the Princess of Helium

Dear Dejah:
My mother and father had a forbidden love. She was tortured to death
because of it. He does not even know I was ever born. He's now a very powerful
chieftan among my people. All the other Tharks would probably make fun
of him if they ever found out. They wouldn't let him play in the Thark
Games. What should I do?
A very blue green woman

Dear Blue-Green:
Tell your father who you are and then plant a fat, sloppy kiss on his
cheek. Personally, I think that harsh exterior green men are known for
is all a front for a cuddly soul. You go, girl!

Dear Dejah:
I've been telling the woman I love that it doesn't matter if her brain
has been transplanted into the hideous body of an evil jeddara. But the
truth is, it does matter. Tur! She is BUTT-UGLY now. I gag every time I
look at her.
The other Jasoomian

Dear Jasoomian:
Men are scum.

Dear Dejah:
How did this Barsoomian taboo against marrying a woman whose fiance
you have killed ever come about? I hate it.
A Jealous Swordsman

Dear Dejah:
Emma and I have been wondering when you and Uncle Jack will be coming
for another visit. The guest bedroom is all made up. But, Aunt Dejah, please
try to observe Earth customs in regards to proper attire in broad daylight
this time.
ERB

Dear Edgar:
I was treated most rudely by your City Guard during my last stay on
Jasoom. Frankly, I don't see what John Carter ever saw in that planet.
Perhaps a visit to the family plantation in Virginia would be better than
Chicago.
.

.

1999 Dum-Dum

Thanks to all the L.A. SubERBs for a GREAT Dum-Dum!

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