Sunday, January 18, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Scientists say 2014 was the hottest year for the planet since records have been kept. Reports from Washington say that solar radiation levels are getting so high that John Boehner hasn’t had to go to a tanning salon in the past three years.

A study says that ocean life is facing a mass extinction. At least until Red Lobster cancels its promotion for the all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet.

The book “The Boy Who Came Back From Heaven” was pulled by its publisher after the authors admitted it was a lie. The book was written by Kevin Malarkey about what was supposedly told to him by his son Alex Malarkey. It turns out the whole book was just a bunch of Malarkey.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie scolded local media for being what he called “self consumed” and “acting like children.” He then said he would show them and they will be sorry when he doesn’t talk to them anymore after he is elected to his rightful place as President.

A study says that closing your eyes can help with the ability to recall things better. Which means that if GM would start designing and building their cars with their eyes open, maybe they wouldn’t end up having to recall all of them.

The world’s first animals-only terminal will be opening up at JFK Airport. And will probably shut down right after the first TSA agent tries to perform a pre-boarding cavity search on a pit bull.

China is planning a database for bad behavior to stop their citizens from unruly behavior in other countries. No one knew there was a problem with Chinese travelers until it was discovered that the Great Wall was actually built by other countries to keep the Chinese inside.

A 17 year old boy masqueraded as a doctor in a Florida hospital for a month before being caught. Hospital officials became suspicious when he said he couldn’t work a scheduled late shift because it was on a school night.

A 17 year old boy masqueraded as a doctor in a Florida hospital for a month before being caught. Hospital officials became suspicious when he put all of his patients on a strict diet of chicken nuggets and french fries.

A report says that Washington growers are struggling with a glut of legal marijuana. Apparently the glut was caused when many of the growers just realized they had forgotten to harvest their crops from the past two years.

Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions says that President Obama is trying to make Congress a museum piece. Which is easy to understand since Congress is also a place where hundreds of ancient artifacts are preserved in a lifelike setting.

Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions says that President Obama is trying to make Congress a museum piece. Which is no surprise, especially ever since most of the members of Congress started having their yearly physical exams conducted by a team of anthropologists.

A report says that the price meat, poultry and eggs are at record highs. Wouldn’t you know that comes right at the time that gas prices fall low enough that people can actually go shopping for food again?

The federal government says the majority of public school students are living below the poverty line. Which is good because they need to get used to that idea after they try to enter the work force with a public school education.

The federal government says the majority of public school students are living below the poverty line. Which is good, since a public education will keep them from being accepted into college where they would be really broke after paying off their tuition loans.

Disney CEO Bob Iger made $46.5 Million in 2014. Which finally put enough money in his pocket where he could actually afford to take his family for a week’s vacation to Disneyland.

A report says that California’s economy has passed Russia and Italy and is approaching that of Brazil. Which is about as impressive as saying your football team is better than the Jets, Raiders and Jaguars.

A report says oil is back to its normal price per barrel based on a 100 year average. Meaning that the oil companies made enough money by jacking up the prices since 2007 to get them through the next century.

Los Angeles schools are planning to offer dinner to students at every school. Apparently it’s part of their new program called “No Child Leaves Before They Dine.”

A New York woman has filed a will leaving a six figure trust fund along with a $1 Million house to her dog. Which means the dog will be living in luxury so whenever it gets thirsty it will have four special porcelain drinking fountains to pick from.

A New York woman has filed a will leaving a six figure trust fund along with a $1 Million house to her dog. The worst part is her kids will have to split a box of Milk Bones and a $50 gift certificate for a wash and cut from PetSmart.

Arizona will now require students to pass a civics test in order to graduate. The only problem is that most high school students think “civics” are cars made by Honda.

Arizona will now require students to pass a civics test in order to graduate, thanks to a bill passed by the legislature. Ironically, if more people understood civics they wouldn’t be constantly reelecting the same people to run their state and local governments.

Arizona will now require students to pass a civics test in order to graduate. Now all they need to do is figure out how to get their students to pass tests in math, history and science.

A study says the wealthy pay a lower percentage than the poor in state and local taxes. Mostly because they have tax lawyers who have figured out how they can pay the same rate as they do on their federal taxes. Zero.

The Post Office wants to raise the price of mailing a postcard from 34 to 35 cents. To which anyone under age 60 is asking “What’s a postcard?”

The Treasury Department is warning U.S. casinos against making illegal sports bets. Although as far as the casinos are concerned, the only bets that should be made illegal are the ones where the house loses.

The Treasury Department is warning U.S. casinos against making illegal sports bets. To which the casinos are saying if gamblers want to see something illegal, just try to leave without paying off any gambling debts.

A federal official says that global weakness is the main threat to the U.S. economy. The only problem is that the rest of the world is so weak from what Wall Street was doing to everyone back in 2007.

The Supreme Court is set to take on the issue of same sex marriage. Which has about the same chance of passing through the high court is it would be to see all the justices change over to wearing rainbow colored robes.

Frontier Airlines says it will replace 1,300 employees with contractors. The scary part will be when passengers see the person they handed their boarding pass to who also loaded their luggage puts on the captain’s hat and gets into the cockpit.

Elon Musk says he is now planning a space Internet powered by hundreds of satellites orbiting the Earth. In an unrelated story, AOL says they will try to upgrade their Internet to where it can actually perform dial up with something other than rotary phones.

The IRS says that income tax returns could take longer to send out this year. Which is OK with most people who have been waiting to even have an income to report since 2007.

Low box office nominees are causing concern that the Oscars telecast on ABC in February could have a low ratings. It could be worse. The telecast could be scheduled by ABC to follow “The Goldbergs.”

A study says that women are less likely to get PhDs in fields that idolize brilliance and genius. Mostly because who wants to spend four years in college having to work around the biggest nerds on the entire campus?

A study says that older women tend to be more satisfied with their lives if they have better bone health. Mostly because there is nothing worse than thinking you are waking up to the break of dawn when that sound was actually the breaking of your femur.

A study says that Vitamin D is linked to a lower risk of colorectal cancer. The only bad part is the person who made the discovery when they accidentally sat on a carton of milk.

A study says that art therapy can help kids who are depressed and have low self-esteem along with behavioral problems. Which makes sense since the main requirements to be an artist are to be depressed with low self-esteem and behavioral problems.

A study says that tanning addiction can be genetic. Which means the George Hamilton could actually turn out to be a long lost relative of John Boehner.

A study says that drinking before going to bed could disrupt a person’s sleep. Especially when the person’s wife looks over and sees them trying to sneak into the bedroom at three in the morning.

A survey says that many people who drink also take prescription drugs. Mostly painkillers for the injuries they get from falling down when they are drunk.

A group says that fewer than 20% of the nominees for non-acting categories at the Oscars are women. Mostly because the men in the Academy are only familiar with the names of the women they have seen naked on screen.

The Black Crowes have reportedly broken up after 24 years together. Which is big news for anyone still living in 1992.

LeBron James has become the youngest NBA player to reach 24,000 points at age 30. In reaching the milestone he passed the career point totals of Charles Barkley, Vince Carter and the L.A. Clippers.

A report says that with the thawing of relations with the U.S., Cuba is on the verge of a technical revolution. People who have grown up on the island are excited about the possibility of soon being able to own their own record player, Instamatic film camera and transistor radio.

Congressional Republicans are proposing net neutrality changes that would gut the authority of the FCC. Which is no big deal since the FCC is still working on what they should do about the Janet Jackson SuperBowl wardrobe malfunction.

A study says there could be two planets larger than Earth lurking beyond Pluto. Scientists say one of them could be named after Kim Kardashian, but only if its size is larger than Uranus.

Gunshots were reported in the vicinity of Joe Biden’s house in Delaware Saturday. It turns out everything was OK, it was just Biden shooting himself in the foot again.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is Martin Luther King Day. Or as they call it in Arizona and South Carolina, Monday. Hopefully you will have the day off to celebrate. Most people certainly celebrate when I take the day off from my joke writing. Take some time to appreciate your civil rights and try not to get into a position where someone is reading your Miranda rights. Just remember, you always have the right to send the love!