Puffins Puffins Everywhere

There's a word people love to throw around when it comes to MOCs, artwork, and sets. But not just any examples, oh no. It only really pops up when the subjects are female.

You don't get to be surprised that's what this blog entry in this blog is about.

I've seen some great female MOCs get posted in BBC. Streamlined yet well-armoured, minus the woefully out-of-place ponytail, and in footwear you can actually fight in. I often regret not publically recognizing them as they come up for just plain getting it. Something always comes up and before I know it, I've lost the chance. And believe me, it is regret. It is a deep regret that I never manage to post in these topics and applaud the builders. I can't tell you how much I regret not offering a voice counter to what's heard instead.

These MOCs are great, you see. Maybe some general technical and/or aesthetic qualms, but you'd be hard-pressed to find any MOC without them. But that's rarely the problem. Instead, I see people talk about how these MOCs are 'great, but not very feminine'. These MOCs, with silhouettes and lines of movement that have captured je ne sais quoi in a jar and put it on a shelf. These MOCs, already a step ahead of the general crowd. These MOCs, that for once, are actually feminine.

And then it dawns on me like a smoggy sunrise.

These MOCs also tend to avoid the trend of putting two things on her chest just 'cause girls have two things on their chests. And believe me, they're things. They're not breasts. They bear no resemblance. Sometimes they're round? But that and the numbers are the only resemblances. They stick out terribly. Did I ever mention in this or any other entry that they always stick out? There is no room for anything less than a D-cup in Bionicle, it seems. Even that's on the small end of things.

And then, the MOCs with spine-shattering chest tumours are the ones deemed 'feminine'. Really. Never mind that they could have shoulders that'd be out of place on Onua. Never mind that they could have the hips of an especially elfin 10-year-old Matoran boy. Never mind they could have all the grace of a herd of half-tranquilized gorillas. I guarantee you, the vast majority of posts in topics like these will praise the 'femininity' of the featured MOC.

So near as I can tell, according to the Bionicle fandom at large, 'femininity' isn't a set of subtle qualities that work together to convey a general aesthetic sense. To be 'feminine', all you need is huge round things on your chest. That is the definition I have determined from countless posts and topics. That's the definition that seems to be on the books.

Bionicle's rules about elements and what genders they can be are like the racing spoiler on a Honda Civic.

At some point, you thought "what my car really needs is a racing spoiler." So you went out, bought the spoiler, and installed it on your car. They're not exactly naturally-occuring things: you kinda had to take the initiative on this one. Point is, you stuck a racing spoiler on your Civic.

Why? Because it gives a great performance boost, that's why! It reduces drag and increases speed or something like that! If you didn't have it, you'd struggle to drive. It's absolutely critical to the operation of your car, and you simply won't hear otherwise.

And it just makes it look cool. It's totally one of the high points of your car. By simply adding your spoiler to your car, you've given it a life and depth that you simply could not get otherwise. It just... it just adds something. Nobody likes Civics without racing spoilers! Everybody knows this!

Sure, some of your friends totally dig the spoiler. They totally nod along and talk about how important the addition of the spoiler is. And then there's all the rest of your friends, who just ain't having it.

They really don't know why you had to go and stick a racing spoiler on your Civic. They really don't see the point. Remember when your engineer friend had to excuse himself that one time you were talking about air resistance or something like that? He had to go clear out a hastily-arrested spittake. His drink went up his nose, you made so little sense. Not in, like 'guys who put spoilers on their Civics-sense', but more 'sane people-sense'.

You know how you have a harder time seeing out your back window? That's the only effect your spoiler has on your Civic. A hinderance.

And it's a heck of a lot less attractive than you think. Why do you think hardly anyone ever wants to go with you in your car? They're worried you'll get pulled over for going through yet another stop sign, and the cop's gonna see them, sitting in the backseat of a Civic with a racing spoiler. "Officer, I promise, I try to pretend that thing doesn't exist." They'd really, really rather go with Ted. You know, guy who bought a Civic but didn't put a racing spoiler on it, Ted. Ted with a beard.

And yet, you just won't hear of any talk of removing the blasted thing. It's a part of your car! They're just looking for things to hate on! They're really in the minority! Why should you remove it?

Because the beyond-arbitrary rules behind elements and genders are pointless, hindering, and so very much not a selling point of Bionicle. Even a racing spoiler on a Honda Civic has more point.

So you got yer fan-made groups of Toa, right. Doesn't have to be Toa, really, but that's what you're most likely to run into. And then, of course, there's the ever-so-delightful patterns Lego has set up. And then, because you're reading a Tufi blog entry, you know which one in particular I'm gonna mention next. It can range from two guys/one girl to five guys/one girl to seven guys/one girl or even six guys/two girls, if the creator is outrageously forward-thinking.

But wait! There's more numbers! There are so many numbers yet to come! From the rest of the group (because guys can be distinct and girls are just, to kick off an entry of trope-dropping, The Chick), you've got the leader. Or you've got the self-insert. Sometimes they're the same guy. For the ease of writing, and because there's no real difference in how the two operate in this phenomenon, we're gonna suppose they are in fact the same guy. He can range anywhere from a straight-up personality port with the occasional superpower and Stuish tendencies to full-on raging Gary Stu. You will always know him when you see him. He isn't necessarily the creator's explicit self-insert, but you will always know him.

Know also that there is a 94% chance the girl!Toa will be his girlfriend. 1% of the time, they'll be out-and-out married.

Alright, I'm fudging the numbers a bit there. Sometimes there's just really heavy romantic tension. And I haven't actually seen any that are married. But that's fairly irrelevant: all I'd have to do to correct it is change 'girlfriend' to 'some kind of romantic thing going on'. And maybe add that one percent back. To say 95% of The Girl Ones exist for some kind of romantic deal with the Self Leader Guy is an overstatement of mere thousandths of percentage points.

This is the Happy Funtimes List portion of the blog entry, and what I want you to do is take this with you next time you run across one of these My Bionicle Girlfriends. Take the list and a moderately-to-extremely caffeinated beverage of your choice. I do not, in fact, want you to incur liver damage.

Take a sip every time one of these is true:

She is romantically attracted to the Self Leader Guy

She is his girlfriend

It is even admitted she is based on a girlfriend or a girl the creator fancies

Every single word used to describe her that means attractive

Take additional sips at personal discretion if she is continually described as attractive throughout the given work/description/topic

She's the 'emotional centre' of the group

She's the wisest of the group

She's always supportive of Self Leader Guy's leadership

She's feisty, but never too spirited

She's 'mysterious' and may as well be a different species from the rest of her (male) group

She has a mask that serves no practical offensive purpose, barring the presence of mindblowing writing/mindrending writing

Three if she has an elemental power along the lines of 'love' or 'light' or 'spirit': five in addition (for eight total) if, god help us, it is love

Despite all logic, she is the only one for miles (which is how long it'll take to find another woman, and surprise surprise...) with any sort of hair or hair analogue

Extra sip for a given point if it is described in terms that describe it as 'unlike the men' or 'better than the males' or other similar language

Once finished the given item (or if out of pop: this is a very real threat), start the stopwatch. The final score is how long it takes for the world to stop shaking, measured in hours:minutes:seconds.

Have I yet mentioned how incredibly likely it is she's gonna be Self Leader Guy's girlfriend? It is so very likely. Why, she might actually be based on his girlfriend in real life. But why stop there? Why not base her on who the creator would like for a girlfriend? There ain't no law. Might be kinda creepy, but ain't no law. You will know when the Bionicle relationship is not based on an actual relationship if the Bionicle relationship is utterly, crystal-perfectly idealized. Then there is the event horizon past which even an idolized crush has been raised to such a point in the work where she can only be said to be utterly fictional. It is as terrifying as it sounds. Lovecraft would have written about this, if it wasn't for his issues.

And she's always pretty. Or beautiful. Sexy? Alluring? Take your pick. It's been used. The key point is how the narrative describes her. A character or two going on about her atrractiveness is one thing. When everyone, even the narration, can't shut up about how mesmerizing she is or something, you got a whole other ball of wax. Clearly, in the Bionicle universe, there is only one option for female characters: attractive. Unless there's old women or more bestial races, but don't expect them to be spared from the lookswash. Bonus points if she's called on to use her sexiness for some end. And god help us all if the word 'wiles' ever hits the screen. Actually, at that point, we're beyond divine intervention.

Don't get your hopes up over any real subgroups of Bionicle Girlfriends: they're all basically the same character. Imagine, if you will, a control board. The biggest feature on this board is 'emotional sensitivity'. To the left is the label 'tough but with a chewy, care-y centre'. To the right is 'absolute pacifist who's more in touch with life and things than those barbarian men'. You quickly find that the left label is a sterling example of an informed attribute and, if a work goes on long enough, blatantly lying about the toughness. There are more things wrong with the right label than you wish to consider at the moment. Cringing a bit, you check out the rest of the board, whisking your gaze away like children in the wrong place.

The 'wisdom' slider. You find quickly it will not go below a certain value of 'wise'. Squinting to read the words carefully, you see 'far more enlightened than the males of the group' at the top. You recoil a little bit, wondering if you didn't just leave behind the section on antiquated notions of gender. Maybe the one next to it is better?

'Assertiveness'. Yes. Here we go. You feel hope once again. On the one side, 'totally passive'. On the other side... 'Sometimes She Says And Does Some Things, But This Is Not To Be Mistaken For Actual Independence Or Spirit Or Any Of Those Uncomfortable Things'. The board does not survive its encounter with the trendy brick wall. It became all-too-apparent that the Bionicle Girlfriend occupies a neat little role as 'accessory'. 'Sidekick'. Not quite on equal footing with Self Leader Guy. We need to maintain those gender roles, you know. It also becomes all-too-apparent you picked the wrong day to stop playing caffeine drinking games.

Speaking of, here's a bonus round for artwork. Extra sip if she's portrayed all snuggly or fawn-y with Self Leader Guy. It's hardly mandatory: inclusion in the game proper is probably going to push you to dangerous levels and/or tax your drink reserves. And in that same vein, be ever-wary of toa!Huki/Maku art. Ever wary.

And then, Narrator preserve us, there's the little issue of her powers. It is where you cry 'what kind of a lame power is heart, anyway', but never conclude that 'heart is an awesome power'. There's her mask, typically something mental in nature. The telekinesis is never used to awesome ends. Or sometimes she's saddled with the just plain useless ones. It's never anything offensive: apparently, the shapes of those aren't nearly as 'feminine' enough as the fandom might like. And oh, the things I could go on about there.

But what about her element? But what, indeed. Usually, it's something from the scant handful of 'female' elements. Sometimes, someone has the guts to stand up to canon (I like to think my being Empress means canon will never rule in BBC) and give her another one of the standard elements. There is a third option, though, and it is far more common. Apparently, having people tell you 'but fire is for boys' is far more dreadful than freaking spirit or 'light' or love sweet Jason people make love an element with a straight face.

Ahem. Never forget the old gods. That said, the third option is woe-inducing. It's always something so blandly, sterotypically 'feminine.' Like 'spirit'. Or 'light'- but not the normal light tribe. Oh no. It's usually more angelic in nature, because blah blah purity (another one!) blah blah too good for this wicked planet blah blah angels. And then we get to the unspeakable horror that is Toa of love, and I just puked in my mouth a little. I'd like to think that says it all. Please. Please tell me that says it all.

All these things and more (so, so much more) combine to make Bionicle Girlfriends. And they're everywhere. There's no escape. Even the rare 'second girl' has a 70% chance of falling into this category, though generally with another character. While maybe not fitting the classic definitions of Relationship Sues, there's no mistaking what they are in form and intention. So yes, guys, we did in fact see what you did there. And you can't see it through the Internet, but we're cringing.

Or you could, you know, not do this and just make good characters that happen to be female. That's always been an option.

This alone puts me where I would not expect to be. But this was not enough! No. I just had to rush out and nab an appropriate app for the iTouch. This puts me in some very high ranks of... well, I'm still trying to figure out what happened. You will be the only app of the sort I use. Yes. I swear to cat.

Dear god, next I'm going to be updating the thing from inside a Starbucks. How does this happen? Please keep me away from the hipsters.

On UltraPuffinPod. A fairly fresh list: the data's only had a month or so to build up.

The concept is simple: a childhood with a noticeable lack of opportunities to listen to the songs I do love so has resulted in a young woman who finds the best feature of any music player to be the 'repeat song forever' option. Thus, highly skewed song play stats! Listed in order from most played to least. Gaze and be amused.

I Can't Decide - oh, Master.

The Way - old people ambling off to die. I'm a total sucker for that sort of stuff. Plus, the tune adds like thirty plays by itself. These two are somewhere around 130-140 plays; the next highest playcount is 40. Yeah.

King of King's Song - ah, there's my Katamari tunes. This is the song sung by the King himself during the credits level of We <3 Katamari. It is awesome and cute and awesome. No scratchy-talk! He actually sounds somewhat young. So much <3.

Mesaze Pokemon Master 2002 - but one of many versions of the first Japanese themesong. While the others lean more towards rock, what with the guitars and the riffs and all, this one's a bit dancier. It's enough to squeak it ahead, anyway.

It's the End of the World As We Know It - see note about childhood song scarcity. Did you know that, in the 90's, Animorphs fan pages were all about the little 'jukeboxes' of MIDIs? Those were the awesomest things at the time. Those and Realplayer. I think those are why we're looking at this song in this position.

So Long, Marianne - it's non-gravelly Leonard Cohen! And he can still write songs! Such a thing was possible. Such, such a pretty song.

Crazy - radio keeps me anxious no more. Also, Sheogorath is the bestest and this is the perfect song for a romp in the Isles.

All Good Things (Come to an End) - my, but Nelly Furtado has a lovely voice.

Katamari Dancing - my favourite Katamari theme, the one for the game I'll probably be waiting a good while longer to ever play. Made all the more horrible by the number of songs on the Beautiful Katamari soundtrack I love to pieces. Ah!

Katamari Tea - like here. Were people really complaining about the sound of this game? Ye gods. And here I am, shot down fiercely. I hope you guys appreciate what you have. Appreciate!

Cloverfield is horrible! If I were to list all the things that made it So Bad It's Horrible, I would be presenting you with a complete summary! Of the whole thing! Of its entirety! Scarcely a redeeming minute to it! Possibly ending with 'and camera work that's worlds more nauseous than it is dramatic'! That is a really bad sign!

Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. A magnificent movie. Lincoln, Keanu as he really should be and shouldn't try anything else please, and Carlin. And so many other things. You want a good movie about time travel? Yo. Some of the best uses of a time machine are contained within. Medieval babes! Friendship! An excellent motto to live by! The Power of Rock bringing about an awesome new Earth! Downright blatant connections to a certain other timey-wimey story!

The 80's!

Oh, that would be the perfect antidote, wouldn't it. I really must dig it out sometime. Like, nowtime. If you'll excuse me?

Gods, I love this show. More fangirling, this time directed at Coronation Street. Shut up. There is a reason the Queen can't get enough of this.

Like tonight's episode. Technically, it's from Christmastime 2007, thank you very much CBC. And, might I say, the writers never let Christmas pass peacefully on the Street? If you are in some poor area that's even further back than Canada, turn back now. Immediatement. You do not want so much as the slightest hint about the episodes set on Christmas Day itself.

Turn back! Save yourselves! Or, if you care not, press on.

AND FOR CAT'S SAKE DO NOT SPOIL THE CANADIAN! AS FAR AS WE ARE CONCERNED 2007 IS STILL THE CURRENT YEAR!

Onward.

First, a confession about last night. I doubted the writers. I doubted the writers so bad. And in return for my doubt, they handed me the most beautiful way to out John and Rosie. Oh gods. I'd have died if that one had aired on a Friday. They are merciful, loving, forgiving gods, indeed. I don't deserve them. And then! Today! Oh man oh man. Kevin gets big ol' hearts. You know the charges won't stick. Fiz missed countless opportunities to step on/kick John, but eh. And all the while, Norris, Rita, and Emily, all 'Christmas just got awesome'. Also, the penultimate scene of the episode, where we realize that David has nothing on Rosie. And then, happy ending with Roy. An absolutely magnificent episode. All in thirty minutes, mind.

So what if it's classed as a soap opera? There's North American 'dramas' that better fit that name. It's still one of the greatest, most well-written things you'll find on TV.

*Technically, this one doesn't really belong anywhere. May as well put it with the pre-BZP saga.**It was uploaded into the folder 'BohrokRumble', but posted in Artwork as 'Kihnok'. I kinda prefer 'Kihnok', but hey, whatchagonnado.***Oh, why not?****A romp, yes. That's Matoro for ya.*****Heh heh, get it? A-polo?... Oh, it wasn't funny the first time I used it, all those years ago. I'm sorry.