The following screenplay is Registered with the WGA #663479 and Copyright 1997 by Kristian Idol.
Use of any material, in whole or in part, is expressly forbidden without prior written consent.

ACT ONEA
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
ALMOST COMPLETELY DARK.
A SHADOWY FIGURE SEARCHES THE DISPLAY CASE. THE MAN
MOVES TO THE COUCH AND PULLS AWAY THE CUSHIONS...
MARTIN (O.S.)
I have a gun!
THE FIGURE CROUCHES, DEAD STILL. RUFFLED MARTIN
PEEKS AROUND THE CORNER.
MARTIN
I'm an ex-cop, and I'm pissed you woke
me up!
HE FLICKS THE LIGHTS ON. AMIDST THE RANSACKED ROOM
STANDS...
MARTIN
Frasier! What the hell are you doing?
FRASIER
Straightening up?
MARTIN SCOWLS.
FRASIER (CONT'D)
I was looking for my watch.
MARTIN
Maybe that's why you don't know it's
five in the morning! You scared me
half to death, son, I could've shot
you.
FRASIER
Is the cane a .44 or a .357?
MARTIN IS DEVOID OF GUN.
MARTIN
So I was groggy - how about I beat the
crap outta ya?
FRASIER
Anything is better than this sheer
agony. I've turned the apartment
upside down...
MARTIN
What is so important about a watch
that -- Oh Jeez, it's that fancy one.
FRASIER
Yes, the Cartier. Tell me immediately
if you find my French watch.
MARTIN
The Eiffel Tower probably cost less
than ten thousand dollars! There's
more important things in the world,
you know.
FRASIER
Dad, it's importance to me has nothing
whatsoever to do with price. And it
was eleven thousand.
HE CONTINUES LOOKING. DAPHNE ENTERS, RUBBING SLEEP FROM
HER EYES.
DAPHNE
Oh, my... I dreamt I was playing poker
with Gandhi, Elvis Presley and Mother
Nature... And Elvis was digging in
the couch for a banana split...
MARTIN
The King was just looking for his
common sense.
FRASIER
I must find my gold watch...
DAPHNE
It's very important to you, isn't it?
FRASIER
Oh! A vision, Daphne?
DAPHNE
No, it's just so bloody early!
MARTIN
Why were you looking in the dark,
anyway?
FRASIER
I... didn't want to wake you.
MARTIN
And I didn't want a bunion the size of
a golf ball, but we can't un-ring those
bells. Might as well just stay up.
HE SITS IN HIS CHAIR.
FRASIER
I will not rest until I get it back...
DAPHNE
(RUBS EYES, YAWNS) Sounds like coffee
and biscuits, then.
SHE SHUFFLES OFF. FRASIER STOPS AND FRETS.
MARTIN
If it'll make ya feel better, I had a
pretty strong attachment to a baseball
glove when I was ten...
FRASIER
Oh, please, Dad, this was a very dear
possession.
MARTIN
So was Lefty! Best darn mitt I ever
owned.
FRASIER FEIGNS ACTING:
FRASIER
Oh, fine European craftsmanship, how
do I love thee? Shall I compare thee
to... abused, dead animal hide??
MARTIN
It's an overpriced hunk of metal! And
you've trashed your apartment looking
for it.
DAPHNE RETURNS, APPARENTLY STILL A BIT GROGGY - SHE
CARRIES A TRAY OF...
DAPHNE
Banana splits, anyone?
FRASIER
No... thank you, Daphne. Oh, did you
see my Cartier watch in the kitchen?
DAPHNE
No, but I did find a little ant making
his merry way across the counter. Do
you want me to call the exterminator?
FRASIER
Just ignore it.
HE SEARCHES THE COUCH AGAIN.
MARTIN
Ignore it??
FRASIER
An insect, Dad? A bug?? I can't be
bothered with such trifles now. What
possible bad thing can come from such
an insignificant little pest?
EDDIE RUNS IN, HOPS INTO MARTIN'S LAP AND STARES
DIRECTLY AT FRASIER.
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Noted.
AS WE:
FADE OUT.
B
FADE IN:
INT. RADIO STUDIO - DAY
EMPTY. FRASIER RACES IN, DISHEVELED. ROZ ENTERS.
ROZ
Where were you?? You haven't been late
once in four years - I thought you were
hurt or left for dead somewhere!
FRASIER
You didn't call the police, did you?
ROZ
No, I just re-ran Friday's show.
FRASIER
Friday?? The one where I --
ROZ
Forgot the caller's name seven times,
yes. Never hang your producer out to
dry, you will pay. What happened?
FRASIER RUBS HIS EMPTY WRIST.
FRASIER
Let's just get to work, shall we?
MIFFED, SHE RETURNS TO HER BOOTH AND SIGNALS HIM.
FRASIER BEGINS AS HE SMOOTHS HIMSELF OUT.
FRASIER
Good afternoon, Seattle, I'm back in
the flesh. I apologize for my
tardiness... and especially to
Friday's caller Ken. Thank you, Ken,
for the courage to call. I'll always
remember you, Ken, because you...
Ken, were an important caller. (BEAT)
Ken. Moving forward... (HITS BUTTON)
This is Dr. Frasier Crane, I'm
listening...
CALLER #1 (V.O.)
I'm afraid, Dr. Crane.
FRASIER
Okay, identifying the feeling is a
good start, but let's focus a bit.
What specifically makes you feel
afraid?
CALLER #1 (V.O.)
It's... my clothes.
FRASIER
You're afraid of your clothing?
CALLER #1 (V.O.)
I think my underwear is conspiring
against me...
FRASIER LOOKS TO ROZ, WHO'S SMIRKING "SO THERE".
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. RADIO STUDIO - LATER
FRASIER STARES OFF, PREOCCUPIED.
CALLER #2 (V.O.)
...and then when Spock died, I just
couldn't stop crying and crying...
ROZ'S TAPPING INTERRUPTS FRASIER'S THOUGHTS - SHE
HURRIEDLY MAKES THE "CUT" SIGNAL.
FRASIER
Yes, thank you for that insight...
(LOOKING AT NOTES) ...Commander Zog.
This is KACL and Dr. Frasier Crane
saying, "May all the voices you hear
be real ones."
HE FLIPS A SWITCH AND SLUMPS INTO THE CHAIR. ROZ ENTERS
HIS BOOTH.
ROZ
What is with you today? I haven't
seen you this distracted since
Engineer Bob told you your voice does
sound as weird as you think. Is it
the late thing?
FRASIER
I can't tell you, Roz.
ROZ
I'll get the Commander back...
FRASIER
All right. I lost my watch.
ROZ
Oh, come on. Did Martin's dog eat
your homework, too?
FRASIER
I'm being honest! When I got home this
morning, I looked everywhere for it.
ROZ
This morning? Where were you last
night?
FRASIER HESITATES.
FRASIER
I'm not telling.
SHE CROSSES HER ARMS.
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Well, I'm torn. I'm not comfortable
with asking for help... But I suppose
if anyone has a wealth of information
in this area, it would be you...
ROZ
Now I'm flattered, Frasier. What am I
such an expert in?
FRASIER
I had a one-night stand.
ROZ
You just don't know how bad the calls
can get, do you?
FRASIER
The first time in my life I've ever
done something like that... and I just
realized... she stole my wristwatch.
ROZ
Serves you right.
FRASIER
What??
ROZ
For all the teasing about my
occasional lovers.
FRASIER
"Occasional", Roz? Your lovelife has
more to do with clockwork than my
missing Cartier!
ROZ
Are you sure you didn't just leave it
somewhere?
FRASIER
Oh, I've already risked a beating to
disprove that.
ROZ
So buy a new one. It's not like they
pay you in rat pellets, you know.
FRASIER
I can't replace it. It was very
special to me.
BULLDOG ENTERS.
BULLDOG
What was very special?
FRASIER
Nothing your little ball-and-stick
brain would understand, Bulldog.
BULLDOG
No problemo! So, Doc, what's with the
bags under the eyes? Up late watching
the 'Hawks?
FRASIER
Yes, immediately after Satan bought
his down parka.
ROZ
He slept with some woman who stole his
watch.
FRASIER
Roz!
BULLDOG
Bummer. I hope it was worth it.
FRASIER
Not eleven thousand dollars...
BULLDOG
Wow! Track that woman down - so I can
have a crack at her!
FRASIER
Can we drop this, please? You two
have no concept of the word "shame"!
BULLDOG SETS UP HIS GONG.
BULLDOG
Ah, ya gotta give 'em a little trophy.
I usually leave my bikini briefs. Woof!
CLANG!!
FRASIER
I rest my case.
AS WE:
FADE OUT.
C
A BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS APPEARS "MORE LIKE
ONE SHIP AND A DINGHY."
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
FRASIER ENTERS, STILL ANXIOUS. MARTIN PLAYS SOLITAIRE.
MARTIN
Interesting day at work, son?
FRASIER
You listened.
MARTIN
Nah, Daphne told me. The watch still
botherin' ya?
FRASIER
I'm afraid I can't talk about it
right now.
MARTIN
You won't tell your old man? C'mon,
I got nothin' but time...
FRASIER WINCES, MARTIN SMIRKS. NILES ENTERS FROM THE
KITCHEN.
NILES
Well, as they say on the street,
"Spill it, bro."
FRASIER
Watching Dad's tapes of Baretta again,
Niles?
NILES
I "did that crime", I guess I'll have
to "do the time"!
FRASIER WINCES AGAIN. MARTIN LOVES IT.
MARTIN
That one was just a coincidence.
FRASIER
Please... Dad, Niles, I'm really not
in the mood for any teasing, I'm under
a lot of emotional stress...
NILES
Perhaps you should take some time off.
FRASIER
Okay, okay! Can't we just forget that
I've lost my Cartier watch??
NILES
The Cartier? Not the one Lilith gave
you?
FRASIER
Yes!! Yes, it was the diamond watch
given to me as a last ditch effort to
save my marriage a mere few weeks before
Lilith abandoned me! But it's
meaningless! I could NOT care less!!
THE ROOM IS SILENT.
NILES
Thus effectively illustrating the
"denial" phase of loss...
MARTIN
Lilith gave you the pricey watch?
NILES
Oopsy, guess he never copped to the
copper about that one.
FRASIER
Oh, to suffer the slings and arrows of
outrageous fortune...
DAPHNE ENTERS.
DAPHNE
Greetings, Dr. Crane. Say, did you ever
find your --
FRASIER GLARES HER INTO SUBMISSION.
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
-- laundry? Because I think I'll
wash... something... back here...
SHE RETREATS.
NILES
You know, Frasier, I may be the
happy-go-lucky one in the family --
LOOKS ASKANCE.
NILES (CONT'D)
...but even I don't become this
attached to an accessory item.
FRASIER
It was my marriage. I still have
feelings for the woman!
MARTIN AND NILES SHUDDER SIMULTANEOUSLY.
MARTIN
It's been four years, Frasier, maybe
it's time you let the good ship Ice
Princess sail.
FRASIER SIGHS. A LONG MOMENT.
FRASIER
I'm afraid I haven't been entirely
truthful with you all...
MARTIN
There's something else you haven't
told us?
FRASIER
Amazingly so, considering this
familial grilling makes the Spanish
Inquisition look like a tea salon!
NILES
Okay, man, time to 'fess up.
FRASIER
Let it go, Niles, you're beginning to
sound like Truman Capote reading "In
Cold Blood".
MARTIN
You spend all day making people spill
their guts and you won't even tell
your family...
DAPHNE
Oh, yes, please. "This is Daphne
Moon, and I'm listening."
FRASIER STRUGGLES, THEN CONCEDES.
FRASIER
I met a woman last night... and
despite my better judgement... we
slept together.
NILES
Yowza! A tryst. A dalliance. A walk
on the wild side, even.
FRASIER
Yes, all that and a hearty dollop of
punishment, too. After a day and a
half of searching, I've realized that
I didn't lose my precious watch - my
femme adultére stole it.
MARTIN
Did you file a (SARCASTIC FRENCH
ACCENT) crime-eh re-porté?
FRASIER
No, Dad, I've already told too many
people. As an intelligent, respected
professional, this whole event is
incredibly embarrassing. It's not
exactly Tristan und Isolde.
NILES
More like Lady und The Tramp.
MARTIN
Did you get her address or phone
number? I can have someone search the
files.
FRASIER
No... We were simply two ships,
passing in the night...
MARTIN
Lemme interrupt ya here for a sec.
You know, I'm sorry for you, Frasier,
but if you compare one more thing in
your life to an opera, I think I'm
gonna puke.
NILES
"Two ships" is Shakespeare, Dad -
theatre is markedly different from
opera.
MARTIN
Ya pay a hundred bucks and listen to a
bunch of screamin' meemies - oh yeah,
it's completely different!
DAPHNE
I've always enjoyed hearing Dr. Crane
talk about the theatre - it gives him
a sort of grace.
FRASIER RAISES HIS EYEBROW AT MARTIN.
FRASIER
Grace?
DAPHNE
Even if you did drop your knickers for
a little slap-and-tickle...
MARTIN
So, how did you hook up with this
woman? I can spot the lowlifes a mile
away - I thought you picked that up
from me.
NILES
Oh, he picked up the lowlife all right.
FRASIER
Okay, enough. It all started on
Friday. As you probably know --
MARTIN/NILES/DAPHNE
Ken.
FRASIER FLINCHES AT THE BODY BLOW.
FRASIER
Yes. You see, I was helping --
MARTIN/NILES/DAPHNE
Ken.
FRASIER
...the caller deal with his ex-wife,
which got me to thinking about whether
I myself would ever find another mate,
which lead to my problem with...
FRASIER WAVES HIS HAND TO CUE THEM. THEY ARE SILENT.
FRASIER
Ken!
NILES
He can say it! Bravo, mon frére!
FRASIER
So, this melancholia lasted well into
the depths of the weekend, whence I
ended up at Café Nervosa, savoring a
particularly piquant blend of Jamaican
Blue...
MARTIN
I smell an opera reference...
FRASIER
Her name was Anastasia.
NILES SIGHS LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL.
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Tall, well-mannered, in every
description a woman of taste. Her
very essence a perfumed reminder of
the Champs D'Elysse...
NILES
Before the McDonald's.
FRASIER
Of course, of course. And she asked
if she could sit with me.
DAPHNE
Oh, this is so fascinating. It's like
one of those romantic coffee commercials.
NILES
Or the episode where Baretta makes the
stoolie squeal.
NILES SCRATCHES.
FRASIER
She told me she liked my voice... we
actually talked about Lilith...
OUTSIDE, LIGHTNING AND A PEAL OF THUNDER.
FRASIER (CONT'D)
So, one thing lead to another, and...
well, you know the rest...
MARTIN
I tell ya what I'd do --
FRASIER
No, Dad, I'm sorry - this is my issue,
I'd rather just find my own solution.
NILES
But Frasier, this one single loss is
affecting your whole life. You must
simply accept the fact that both the
watch - and your marriage - are gone.
FRASIER
I do! Unconditionally! (BEAT)
Unless I scour the entire city of
Seattle...
MARTIN
What??
FRASIER
Yes, that's it! I have picked up a
bit of the old detective from you,
Dad. I'll flush her out of the
woodwork and get my watch back!
HE GRABS HIS COAT. NILES IS STARING AT THE FLOOR.
NILES
Frasier, do you remember the ant
Daphne discovered yesterday?
FRASIER
Later, Niles. Now, I'm off to find my
nemesis!!
HE'S GONE.
NILES
Oh look, he's invited along several
dozen of his little ant friends...
NILES STEPS ONTO THE COUCH STANDING AS MARTIN LIFTS HIS
FEET UP INTO HIS CHAIR.
OUTSIDE IT BEGINS TO POUR.
AS WE:
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONEACT TWOD
A BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS APPEARS "YOU CAN'T
HELP THE HELPLESS".
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
FRASIER ENTERS, SOAKED AND BEATEN. STAINS AND RIPS MARK
HIS CLOTHING; A BENT FEDORA APPEARS TO COVER... HAIR. ASKEW.
MARTIN, NILES AND EDDIE ARE IN THE ROOM.
MARTIN
So, Sherlock, did you catch the bad
girl? (NOTICING) Jeez, she didn't
beat you up, did she?
FRASIER
No, Dad, I'm afraid there was no
justice tonight.
NILES
Unless you're rehearsing to play the
Elephant Man...
FRASIER REMOVES THE HAT AND TOUPEE.
FRASIER
I was south of Cherry Street.
MARTIN
Cherry Street! Cops don't even like
to go down there!
FRASIER
Tonight, I have truly been to hell and
back.
NILES
Pulled behind a donkey cart, evidently.
What happened?
FRASIER
Well, in order to fool my offender, I
decided to disguise myself. But after
a four-hour rain-soaked search of the
dank underbelly of Seattle, I finally
just gave up. I was walking back to
my car and the tape on my toupee
wouldn't release. As I was struggling
with my faux hair, I slipped on some
sort of discolored fruit rind - I'm
hoping - and landed on my elbow.
Despite searing pain, I managed my way
nearly to my car, where I was accosted
by a particularly aromatic miscreant.
So I gave him all the money I had, and
I thought he was going to let me go,
but when he said, "A rich guy like
you... must have an expensive watch",
I burst into tears and fell to my
knees in the mud!
MARTIN
I'm sorry, son.
FRASIER STARES AT THE TOUPEE. DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER
ROOM.
DAPHNE
Ooh, bugs, bug, bugging buggers!!
They're in me bedroom now!
MARTIN
That's it, I'm calling the
exterminator...
FRASIER
I told you, Dad, no chemicals!
NILES
As disgusted as I am, this time I
agree - I said the same thing when we
had a beetle infestation at the
mansion years ago.
NILES SCRATCHES.
FRASIER
What did you do?
NILES
Disregarding my Maris' plaintive cries
of "Gas them! Gas them!", I paid the
gardener a dollar per bug to gently
carry the spindly irritant outside.
MARTIN
You are still talking about the
beetle, right?
FRASIER
A dollar a bug?? My God, Niles,
didn't that get rather expensive?
NILES
Oh, yes. It's no great secret who
actually paid for Yoshi's lawnmower-
shaped swimming pool. Just thinking
about them gives me a rash...
HE SCRATCHES AGAIN.
FRASIER
Nevertheless, I reiterate: forget
about the ants. I see no evidence of
any infestation.
MARTIN
Well, Eddie can't keep sucking 'em up
forever.
EDDIE LICKS HIS LIPS REPEATEDLY.
DAPHNE
You know, in the Moon household we
used a little dish soap in a water
bottle. One spritz and it's Goodbye,
Mr. Creepy-Crawly.
FRASIER
Everyone! Pay attention to me! There
is only one thing causing the problem
in this apartment right now!
THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER.
MARTIN
You are still talking about the watch,
right?
FRASIER FALLS ONTO THE COUCH, WHINING.
FRASIER
With utter clarity, I now understand
the purgatory that is Limbo. If I
could just get my priceless watch
back, I'd reach some closure...
MARTIN
"Closure", my butt. Ya got your
dipstick checked and the mechanic
stole your gascap. Move on!
FRASIER MOANS. NILES SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH.
NILES
Frasier, while the Cartier may be a
physical reminder of a cherished era,
even a talisman if you will, you must
resolve this emotionally.
HE PULLS OUT A SMALL NOTEBOOK AND PEN. SUDDENLY, IT
LOOKS LIKE A CLASSIC THERAPY SESSION.
NILES (CONT'D)
Now, societal mores often stress --
FRASIER BOLTS UPRIGHT.
FRASIER
Don't you even dare, you... you...
therapist.
NILES
Ouch. Touché.
MARTIN
Why don't you let your brother help,
Frasier? You helped him when Maris
left, remember?
NILES
Yes! Dear God, I was a wreck. And my
beloved sibling so effectively taught
me to let go...
HE STARES AT DAPHNE, WHO IS BRUSHING HER HIPS.
NILES (CONT'D)
...of my....
BRUSH, BRUSH.
FRASIER
I suppose I could accept a little
advice...
NILES
...obsession...
DAPHNE
Oh! I think there's one going up
me skirt!
FRASIER
Niles?
NO RESPONSE.
DAPHNE
Now I'll have to take off all me
clothes...
SHE STARTS TO LEAVE, NILES FOLLOWING WITH A GRIN.
DAPHNE
Oh! The little bugger's on me neck!
FRASIER
Niles!
HE SPINS BACK.
NILES
I'm innocent, man!!
FRASIER
What do I do?
NILES
Hmm... try using a strength to
overcome your weakness. What do you
consider a particularly strong trait?
FRASIER
Well, I remember feeling thrilled that I
was able to woo her successfully. You
know, the old Crane black magic.
NILES
Say no more, witch doctor.
MARTIN ROLLS HIS EYES.
FRASIER
But besides my charm, I suppose it all
came down to the fact that she liked
my voice...
NILES
Understandably your soft spot - it is,
after all, how you make your living.
THEY PONDER.
FRASIER
Of course! I'll use my voice to
educate the populace of Seattle about
the dangers of meeting someone new.
Trust. Honor. Larceny!
MARTIN
I can't believe this. Why don't I
just call my friend Jimmy - he was a
con, he might even know the woman.
FRASIER
Dad, this is an intensely personal
violation - I don't want any help from
strangers. Now, I must prepare to
broadcast to a hundred thousand people!
HE HEADS OFF TO HIS BEDROOM.
AND WE:
FADE OUT.
E
A BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS APPEARS "PSYCHIATRIST,
SHRINK THYSELF".
FADE IN:
INT. RADIO STUDIO - DAY
FRASIER IS ON A ROLL...
FRASIER
And in conclusion, always remember to
be honest. Resist the temptation to
lie, rail against the cheaters, and
know that if ye steal, ye surely will
suffer eternal damnation in the River
Hades!!
CALLER #3 (V.O.)
And how exactly will that get my dog
to eat?
ROZ BREAKS IN.
ROZ
Our next caller, Dr. Crane, feels
guilty...
BY THE DRAWL, THE WOMAN IS EVIDENTLY FROM THE DEEP SOUTH.
CALLER #4 (V.O.)
Dr. Cray-en? I'm havin' a heckuva
time with my new boyfrien'...
FRASIER
Go ahead, uh... What was your name
again?
CALLER #4 (V.O.)
Anna. (BEAT) Anna-stay-zhuh.
FRASIER FREEZES.
ANASTASIA (V.O., CONT'D)
See, I took this fancy watch that he
got from his other girlfrien'...
FRASIER
It was my wife!! (OFF ROZ'S LOOK)
His wife. I'm guessing.
ROZ LOOKS CONFUSED.
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Don't tell me, you wanted a little
"trophy" from the relationship.
ANASTASIA (V.O.)
Oh, don' call it that - some guy once
tried to give me his underwear!
FRASIER
So, Anastasia, if that's even your
real name, the world would be a
happier place if you'd just return the
damn watch! Capish??
ANNA'S VOICE CHANGES TO THAT OF A SOCIETY WOMAN.
ANASTASIA (V.O.)
Thank you, hon, but I caaan't do that.
Oh my, 'tis nearly tea time. (EARTHY)
See ya later, sucker.
FRASIER
Give it back! Repent!! I'll find you,Anastasia!!!
DIAL TONE. A BEAT WHILE ROZ DIGESTS THIS.
ROZ
Interesting advice, Doctor. We'll be
back after this station identification.
SHE FLICKS THE INTERCOM.
ROZ (CONT'D)
With radio personality Stalker
Crane...
FRASIER
Help me, Roz. I've got to find her,
and get my life back.
ROZ
Because of a watch from your ex-wife
of four years? Please, Frasier, I've
tossed romantic gifts in less than
four minutes.
FRASIER
Jewelry?
ROZ
Well, I hock that. I'm not stupid.
FRASIER
But it was the last expression of love
she ever gave to me... When we had
all the time in the world to --
ROZ
And three, two, one. (ON AIR) We're
back. Dr. Crane, our last caller is
Dirk - he's having a problem with his
brother...
A FAMILIAR VOICE COMES OVER THE SPEAKER.
NILES (V.O.)
Now I've got my brother's ants in my
own apartment! And they're looting
the Belgian cedar chest!
FRASIER
Oh, lighten up, "Dirk".
NILES (V.O.)
They've formed a gang and they want to
get The Man! And I don't know who to
bribe to catch them!
FRASIER LEAPS OUT OF THE CHAIR.
FRASIER
Yes!! Dirk, you've solved the problem.
Meet with your brother and trap them
together!
NILES (V.O.)
I'm not sure if I can leave, they've
barricaded the door! They're coming
for me, Frasier... Dead man walking!!
CLICK.
AS WE:
FADE OUT.
F
A BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS APPEARS "SHAKEN,
NOT STIRRED."
FADE IN:
EXT. CAFé NERVOSA - NIGHT
FRASIER AND A SKITTISH NILES APPROACH WEARING
TRENCHCOATS.
FRASIER
I sincerely appreciate this, Niles.
NILES
As long as I'm out of my apartment.
Just don't be shocked if my coat walks
away under the power of a thousand
tiny legs.
HE SCRATCHES VIGOROUSLY.
FRASIER
Honestly, they can't be that bad.
NILES
Do you remember A Midsummer's Night's
Dream in ninth grade, when I got
nauseous all over Puck's slippers?
Now, imagine everyone in that audience
with six legs and antennae.
FRASIER
Focus! Concentrate on our plan.
NILES
Okay, but if anyone in this café has a
segmented thorax, I'll freak! I tell
you, I'm hopped up like a cracker-head!
FRASIER IGNORES HIM.
FRASIER
Now, you're the shill, do you remember
what you're supposed to do?
NILES
Sit at a table, be witty and urbane,
and when she approaches, charm her
into a date. But I thought I was
supposed to act like you...
FRASIER
Come on, let's go.
INT. CAFé NERVOSA - NIGHT
NILES SITS ALONE AT A TABLE, STILL A BIT OVEREAGER.
FRASIER GOES TO THE BACK AND HIDES BEHIND A NEWSPAPER,
PEERING OUT STEALTHILY.
A FEW MOMENTS PASS, AND A NICELY-DRESSED OLDER WOMAN
WELL INTO HER 60'S APPROACHES NILES.
OLDER WOMAN
Excuse me, young man, is this seat
taken?
NILES LEAPS TO HIS FEET AND GRABS THE OLDER WOMAN'S ARM.
NILES
Aha! The lawbreaker returns! Give up
the loot, Ma Barker!
HE FRANTICALLY SEARCHES THE SENIOR CITIZEN'S WRISTS.
FRASIER RUNS UP AND TEARS HIM AWAY AS THE WAITRESS
RUSHES OVER.
WAITRESS
What's going on here?
OLDER WOMAN
This man accosted me!
NILES
My brother and I have reason to
believe this woman is a thief.
OLDER WOMAN
What??
FRASIER
Niles, this woman must be seventy
years old!
THE SENIOR WHACKS FRASIER WITH HER HANDBAG.
FRASIER (CONT'D)
...Fifty years old!
NILES
You said "well-mannered". And you
have been very lonely!
FRASIER SPEAKS TO THE CUSTOMERS THAT HAVE GATHERED.
FRASIER
I'm sorry, gentle people, there's been
a terrible mistake. Please forgive my
brother and me. Please, we meant no
harm.
THE GROUP DISPERSES. HE WHISPERS TO NILES.
FRASIER
Now, let's just relax and see if we
can trap our unsuspecting prey!
NILES SITS AND FRASIER RETURNS TO HIS HIDING PLACE.
MOMENTS PASS... NILES SCRATCHES.
A YOUNG WOMAN WITH LONG, WILD HAIR ENTERS THE CAFÉ. SHE
LOOKS AROUND, THEN APPROACHES OUR SPY.
YOUNGER WOMAN
Hi. Anyone sitting here?
NILES EYES HER SUSPICIOUSLY.
NILES
How old are you?
YOUNGER WOMAN
Twenty-four...?
FLASH! NILES HAS HER WRISTS.
NILES
Siren! Snake-haired Gypsy! Who's the
newest jailbird, eh, Sister??
YOUNGER WOMAN
Let go of me, you psycho!
FRASIER AND HALF THE PATRONS COME TO HER RESCUE. NILES
SCRATCHES HIS HEAD.
WAITRESS
Listen, I think you two have had
enough caffeine tonight. Maybe you
should leave.
NILES
Fine. But I may just report this
establishment to my father! Or the
Orkin Man!!
HE SCRATCHES SO VIGOROUSLY HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S HAVING A
SEIZURE.
FRASIER
Niles...
THEY ARE ESCORTED OUT.
EXT. CAFÉ NERVOSA - NIGHT
NILES
Did I do wrong?
FRASIER
Besides convincing every woman in
there from ever making the first move
again?
NILES
I'm sorry you didn't get your watch
back.
FRASIER
It's okay, Niles, I'm all right.
(BEAT) Being with you here tonight,
somehow I just don't feel as foolish
as I used to...
HE SQUEEZES HIS BROTHER'S SHOULDER... AND PULLS HIS HAND
BACK, DISCOVERING AN ANT CRAWLING ACROSS HIS FINGERS.
FRASIER
Oh! Behold, the lowly ant. A tiny,
intrepid explorer... always moving
forward... never stopping to analyze
the past... never too attached to any
heartfelt emotion...
HE VIGOROUSLY GRINDS THE ANT INTO A PULP AND FLICKS
IT AWAY.
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Time to kick some insect ass.
AS WE:
FADE OUT.
G
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
OVER THE END CREDITS WE SEE FRASIER AND NILES SCOWLING
FACE-TO-FACE. PULL BACK TO REVEAL THEY HAVE SPRAY-
BOTTLES AT THEIR HIPS LIKE GUNFIGHTERS. THEY QUICK-DRAW
AND SPRAY AT ANTS ON THE FLOOR, THE WALL, ETC.
FADE OUT.
END OF SHOW