Aunty Bella: Mrs. He Had Another Family

Aunty Bella is our agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers. We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice as well.

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Dear Bella,
This is a story of a friend who’s very dear to me and urgently need your advice on what to do.

Her story is a very mixed story and she doesn’t think anybody is worthy to be trusted on earth. This is because of what her husband did to her and she’s thinking if she can ever forgive him or trust anyone again. She was married to her husband for 18 years and it was a very blissful marriage till he sadly passed on about five months ago. She has two daughters for him 17 years and 15 years and the first one is in the university presently. The issue is that she never knew her husband has a set of twin boys until she got to the village for his burial. She was shocked when her husband’s family called her for a meeting and brought the children and their mother. They are 20 years old and their mother though married to another man is from her husband’s village. She was so distraught and couldn’t wait for the whole ceremony to be over and returned to Lagos.

The issue is that she’s so disappointed that she knew a man for about 20 years, married to him for 18 years+, had two beautiful teenage daughters for him and still did not know he had a set of 20 year old twins. Can men be trusted? she asked looking deep into my eyes knowing I was a man and might not even tell her the truth.

Now her husband did not write a will and she got a message from her in-laws that one of the two houses that she built together with her husband will be given to the other children as they are also her husband’s blood. The truth is that her own financial contributions in the two houses they have is far more than her husband’s contribution and here they are telling her it’s the tradition. She told me that she has documents to prove her claims but she’s really disappointed and cannot even seem to reason clearly now as to the next step.

hmmm….
First of all, pull yourself together and get a lawyer. Remember after all of this you wouldnt want to realise you made bad choices because of your emotions. It is tough but you have to do it.
Secondly, yes you are devastated and you want answers, but he is dead. Think of it this way, he has gone to answer to his creator. Let go and move on; if you let God give you the peace you desire trust me that mans sins will be irrelevant.
this isnt going to happen in one day, it is step by step – but surely the Great Comforter will attend to all your needs.
Have a blessed day

let me save her the lawyer’s fee. this is how the law would share the property
1) if her name is on the deed/title of the house, she gets to keep it automatically. ladies and gents contributing to a family is not enough. your name needs to be on the DEED (in the words of Madea). you may be able to argue for the house by claiming contributions but that is messy and not necessarily likely to succeed in court anyway
2) if her name is not on the title/deed, did he leave the house to her in a will? Here, there is no will so moving on
3) the laws of inheritance or descent now take over. if this is the option on the table, then what the in laws have proposed is extremely fair. some other traditions would have given everything to the first son. I suggest she allows them split the house as they have done and move on. Most laws that i’m aware of would split between the wife and all his kids. if we use those laws, the in laws proposal is still move than fair.

i’m actually very pleased with these in laws. you man may have played two sides but it seems you married into a good family. good luck

I also thought same…This In laws are nice taking up legal action will be creating enemies of them. However the hurt of knowing Her Husband kept this from her all this years will not make her share the property.

My advice if she has the document to d property she should sell it to avoid long court cases. Now let me teach u sum thing used by sum one in a divorce case.Get a fiend a trusted one who will purchase through d bank with proper agreement you get the money in your account and sales document present it to them.I don’t think they will ask you to share d money from d precedes.Later you can retrieve the documents from your friend and return d money.

I am not pleased with the inlaws that contributed to her living a lie.
I think she should demand for a blood test too.
Defo get a lawyer and see how it goes.
Sad story though makes you hate the person you once loved.
I pray for strength, courage and direction at this point.
E-hugs.

Hmm, betrayal of trust is a very tough thing to overcome but you’ll have to do it for your own sanity & peace of mind . Regarding whether or not you can trust another man, of course you can but it will take you some time to do this again. What your last husband did to you was not right & you’ve every reason to feel the way you do but you cannot use that act to judge the entire male race because betrayal is gender agnostic.
Regarding the dividing of the assets you and your husband built to which you stated that you contributed more than he did and have proof, the way I see it is you can decide to go the legal route which can be long & stressful or you take all that you can get your hands on and move on to rebuilding your life with your daughters.
Goodluck with everything & remember this is only a chapter in your life and it too shall pass.

From personal experience, letting go and moving on with her life is the best option. She should take whatever she can and go before they kill her and her girls will be the ones to suffer. A living dog is better than a dead lion. The legal system in Nigeria is a big mess.

I feel so sad for you but you just ve to lwt go and let God take control. But pls get a lawyer all ur effort cnt be pushed away.i understand that the children of the other woman need care but not at ur detriment. But be very careful and prayerful bcoz since its village thibgs it could become fetish. So pray very well. May God help u

Sorry for your friend’s loss. Let her take what she has now because we know how the legal system works here.
Ladies, i will always advise that whenever you decide to build something with your husband, let your own name also reflect on the deed. For example Mr and Mrs XYZ is not just enough. As your husbands first name dey show make ur own first and middle names appear. This is to prevent matters arrising later. I rest my case

will it kill us if we live a sincere/straight forward lifestyle?this is really sad and hope you find strength in the mist of this chaos. it’s so easy for anybody to type “MOVE ON” GET OVER IT” but it’s not that easy. cry,kick,punch etc if it will make you free your mind a bit..just do you and deal with it the best way you can.God bless you and your kids and take it to God the giver of peace of mind. this goes out to any other person going through any form of trials/tribulations(take your time to heal/deal with it the best way you can)

Shiooooooor!!! umu nwoke di kwa egwu ooooo! Was she married to your husband, or she just has kids for him. If you are the only “wife”, then get a good lawyer first for some legal advice. This is so sad, take heart.

She should get a lawyer. Not just any charge and bail lawyer; a well connected one if she can. She shouldn’t stop there, pull all her connects together. Any sensible person that can move things faster. This is Nigeria. And she should keep herself out of his family’s reach. If possible relocate the kids. Those people are evil. All of them. Don’t trust any of them. Even the one pretending to be nice to you

Which one be your contribute pass the man? Woman this man hurt you but the truth is he is no more, you have to face the situation on ground with much consideration for your daughters and please don’t create more enemies than you already have. The boys are already seeing you as the reason they never had close relationship with their dad, am sure your know this same man hurt them as well. So you have to be cautious in resolving this mystery.

I get what you’re trying to say about being cautious because some people can be insane when it comes to wills and property, but I want to make it clear that while the boys may be seeing her as the reason for no relationship with their father, they should be old enough to realise that their mother is the outsider here because she was not legally married to him. Their FATHER was the reason they didn’t have a relationship with him – no one else is responsible for that. In this patriarchal society we live in, I’m sure it has come up that she has no sons for him but when it comes to property that she was contributing to, that becomes irrelevant. My dear please tell your friend to think unemotionally and get a lawyer. If she decides to keep the peace and let go of one house, that’s fine too, but if that happens, it should be done in such a way that when she lets it go, she lets go of any associated liabilities that come with the house if any. She should also try not to be bitter. I have been in her daughters’ shoes and luckily there was no property drama involved but the bitterness felt on all sides…well.. I have just learnt that people can be wicked. The husband’s family will know all these things and together with the husband they will look you in the eye every holiday for years and call you their wife and not say a word.

Shut up……what is hard in that sentence u can’t understand? Some women hold the home and some men be pretending and giving their families the impression like they do everything……if she contributed more then she should gain more from any transactions……go to God in prayer anyone who tries anything fetish will die…..we keep allowing people get away with anything cos we are afraid they will go fetish…..our God is more powerful…

how do you know he didn’t have a relationship with them? if he didnt, i dont think they would show up at his death to try and collect. nobody here knows the backstory behind why he didnt marry their mom, did he believe they were his kids? was it confirmed? so many questions, very few answers.

I am deeply sorry about your situation. All I could muster is a hmmmmm….right now.Truth is that , we can never know the true story as this is deeper than we may assume.
The undeniable fact here is that your late husband did love you and I figured that he didn’t want to mess up his marriage with you, hence the reason he hid that ‘TWINS’ from you. I will want to believe that this issue was a burden he had to deal with while alive. On the other hand, I may be wrong.
His decision to keep the information away from you ….Could it be for the best? Well, I guess, it depends on the the circumstances and factors that contributed to it.
Don’t get me wrong, I intensely dislike lying but there are times that it is the wisest course of action. There is much wisdom in ancient saying – ‘To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven’. How I wish he is alive to explain the reasons for this painful betrayal.
My suggestion, if it makes sense to you …. it’s ok to be angry, betrayed and hurt. Go ahead, vent ….it’s good for your sanity. He is dead and gone by the way. Get a good lawyer to help protect you and your daughters. It’s emotionally tough, I know …..I am deeply sorry. That’s what I think you should do.

I swear. If she has the papers (i’m sure she does) she should sell them sharply, make I see wetin dem wan come inherit. Rubbish. She should either sell them or get a fantastic team of lawyers and prepare for a long battle. Either way, now is not the time to cry.

How easy to type ‘let go’ and ‘move on’….. you have to do these eventually but only after confronting the existing realities.

Dear L, many hearts go out to your friend….no one wishes certain things in life, but they come anyway… your friend will endure the rage and questions for d rest of her life, some days will be better than others, with time (depending on what she chooses to focus on) she will have more days better than not. In all she will live.

As per the family coming for property, (btw this enrages me to no end)…she can and should go the legal route, get titles checked and protect their life’s investment. But that aside I think it’s first important to identify the type of relationship she wants with the boys. .. there’s no one way to go about it, but I hope she takes her time to reach a workable plan… truth is, if she maintains the status quo, she’ll be judged brutally; if she opens the doors, she must first be prepared to handle more than she bargained for….No side of this is the easy option….so its important she makes a decision she can live with. She should be upfront with her teens, and hear their concerns too…. children have a way of seeing things that we often miss out on by excluding them.

The history of her relationship with the inlaws will determine some bits too… does she have a history of standing up for herself or being a doormat?… it will affect how hard they push…cos yes they will…She must quickly establish her support base and keep it close.

As much as betrayal hurts, sometimes, we love our loved ones more than we can bear to hate them, so maybe inbetween the flashes of anger and questioning,, she can see what chances there might be for holding up or rebuilding the family and their legacy. The husband’s intention for the family will still count for something….if she was with him 18yrs, I’d like to believe its cos he did a few things right…. I hope she takes things in her stride and doesnt give up hope that her peace will return someday….

I have seen a woman handle this for years, each year she’d slip into clinical depression…..but her zest for life won at the end…. almost a decade on, she’s winning. Secured her life’s work, and carrying on building d life she and her husband dreamed of. Its a loooong windy road, but It does get better….

Its disheartening,she probably was there before u guys started but he didn’t want a life with her,or he met you guys at the same time n while he decided to pick you over her he found out she’s preggy,he either talked her into aborting it she refused or he told her to keep it.in the course of u guys relationship he probably knew you won’t want to marry a man with kids outside wedlock and since he didn’t want to loose you he hid it from you. Am sure he knew he can’t keep up with the act for too long. You wherent sensitive enough to read the handwritings on the wall from his part and from his family.You have 2gals and they didn’t put much pressure on you to give them male children because they already have.You probably have even seen those kids but didn’t know they are his cos they can’t be with their mum the whole time. All these are Rhetorical questions that if u ask yourself u can’t decipher,but his family can,even the twins mother can answer. For you to win a case you need all the info and proofs.for the sharing of the house,it all depends how big the houses are,since you contributed more your lawyer can help you own one and half of the property. Its the total rooms are 8,you keep 5/6 they can have 3/2 as theirs. In all of this its not going to be easy because the family members will want to have a Share too,they just want to use the children as bait for their hideous agenda.its not going to be a lawyer kinda battle alone,it will be spiritual too.so brace yourself if you don’t know God you have to now,cos the battle line has been drawn and the holy book says the battle is the lords. Don’t go to the devil bcos he will let u win now and take his pound of flesh later.that’s my take on the issue.

Ahhhhh, all these in-laws are not to be trusted these days, what if they just cooked up something and came up with this lie of a story to scheme some properties of you seeing that you only have female kids. Well DNA tests should be done. I know your husband is late but you can compare your daughters DNA to that of the alleged twin boys and see what you find.
Goodluck! this too shall pass! x

I am very sorry for your loss, much more for the betrayal and hurt you feel. The only person who can give you answers is God, go to him for comfort and much needed peace of mind. Only God, you and the dead guy knows who really contributed the most in d house issue. Because you feel hurt its possible you want to close your eyes to all outsiders. But there is something called family, the boys are your daughters’ brothers, sooner or later they will have to talk about that, house or no house. *my advice* find a common ground with the family, compromise somewhere, since you say you have proof of the house, what about gratuity from where he works? Its not the boys fault you know? Preserve the peace of your children, yoruba adage says ‘a ki ti courti bo wa se ebi'(no ones returns from court to act happy family) after a court case, the family will neva remain the same. You want to put ur gurls thru all that. I hope ur inlaws are sensitive enough. I pray God’s grace and wisdom for you.

Really sorry about your friend but I would advise her to let the kids have the house. It’s sad bcos she is dealing with grief and shock but this world is a dangerous place, tomorrow the boys could try to harm her or her kids all bcos of the house not knowing she had the larger contribution towards it.
I believe that as far as there is life, there is hope. She can have the other house and work hard in life with other investments too. All these stories we hear of hired assasins u can’t tell the root. Let go and let God

So sorry abt your situation. My advice. Regardless of your contribution…give them one of the houses, cut all ties and move on. I know it is hard and devastating but think of it this way……it is just property. Property that these people can kill you for or hinder your progress just because of it. Think of the bigger picture and protect yourself and your daughters. If you can lawyer up and get your property ….all well and good. But when it comes to village people….give them what they want secure your remaking assets and get the hell out of the situation. Or better still if you can sell both properties and move where they they can’t find you….fine. I guess I’m just very weary of these people and property disputes…..if they can hrm you they will and your life and that of your children……is not worth it on the grand scheme of things.

I don’t understand human beings anymore from the ages of the kids it is obvious he had the twins before he married you so why didn’t he say anything. And the family is another story how can you let your son withhold such information from the woman he is married to until after he is dead! Legally the kids if they are truly his (DNA is very necessary here) are entitled to a share of his estate. If I was you I would get myself a good lawyer. Get the houses valued and then remove your share of contribution say you contributed 60% the house is now worth 100million then your share is 60 million. The relatives have two choice to either give you back your share for the contributions and then they can have the house to give to the twins or they should wait for you to sell the house recover your investment give them their fathers share and this share is to be shared among the four kids not just the twins that is how I would settle it. Women love is not enough when a person dies that is when the true colours of his relatives come out. I have seen very educated over exposed people behave like illiterates when it comes to a deceased property. A will is very important even if all you own is a bucket. Ladies safeguard your financial future and your children’s financial future make sure there are investments are in your name and the children’s names.

This is why Nigerian women should ensure that they maintain independence in a way that ensures that when the man’s atrocities catch up with him, you are not entangled in the backlash. Nigerian men sow rampant seeds but are chicken when it comes to facing their problems. Your marriage was a lie but look who’s in the ground and who is not, hm? His sins caught up with him. Another word of caution to other women (and men I might add) – know your spouse’s relatives and friends from old – not the Lagos ones. The ones from the village. That is where you will start getting the real gist about his skeletons. Do not do a 21st century marriage where you just met in Las Gidi and life is good in VGC and you don’t need to belittle yourself by going to the village or his little slum of origin. BE real. IF you don’t invest in knowing your partner, you will be at the receiving end of a stun gun at some point in the future.

Jesu my lord my God my all! Things are happening o. My sister I pray you find grace and wisdom at this time to forgive, move on and rebuild. I’m sure in time you will figure out the right thing to do. Part of me wants to say go with Onye’s advice. Sell everything and run away!!! But that might not be the best for you. My prayers are with you

Why isn’t anyone talking about a DNA test? Get a lawyer, get them tested the right way (comparing samples with your daughters). If they are indeed your husbands kids give them one of the houses and just let them be. Otherwise sell the house and give them a portion of the proceeds. Either way your kids are going to benefit more than their half siblings so try to not be greedy. Good luck

These stories are so common it’s terrible. So many people with hidden children their wives know nothing about. Exactly why every woman should make sure that her children are well covered. ‘My husband has landed properties’ is not enough, in whose name are they?

And men please HAVE A WILL. If your wife asks you about a will, she’s not being greedy or trying to kill you. Don’t die and leave her at the mercy of greedy, wicked people. This is 2014, there’s no excuse not to have a will.

My dad passed sometime ago and my mom is still dealing with all kinds of mess! Let me tell you – most Nigerian inlaws will try to make your life a living hell if your family is successful than they are but your husband is no more. Sell your houses – not just those in the village o – sell everything. relocate with your kids, stay off social media… go completely incognito and pray!!! Pray. Pray. Pray – get prayer partners, because even though your inlaws may not be able to see you, they will still be flexing their evil ways on top your matter! May God comfort you and your home. It is well.

My advise to her is to sell everything and move to a different country with her kids ASAP.
If out of kindness and generosity she wants to gift the twins with anything, that is entirely her prerogative.
It is time women stopped paying for the atrocities of the men they shared their lives with.

Am not married or with children, but i have a stepbrother i have never met! It is sad your husband betrayed you, but the only thing left now is to move on and make ‘lemonade out of the lemons given to you” as hard as it may feel now!
Suggesting from what i learnt from my family’s troubles, you should search your heart and try to imagine the life those twins have had and decide to give what your heart permits you to give, based on your financial strength; whether property or money to the twins. Then excommunicate yourself and your children from them and the remaining members of his family!
If you foresee future problems based on finances and properties which is most likely, get advice from a lawyer and if possible liquidate the properties they know of and buy another somewhere else.
Running away is almost never the solution and you may continue to have difficult encounters from these twins, their mother or your in laws any time you cross path with them, if you don’t give anything ( see it as a sacrifice for your peace of mind and for your daughters safety and peace), they would hunt you and your family and use whatever evil means to fight you and your kids!
People are greedy and can do anything when it comes to money they never worked a day for, believe me, i know!! Also, thy don’t care and don’t want to know whether your money is involved in higher or lower percentage, greed will never let them hear nor be able to reason normally, because of all they imagine you are enjoying or possess!
But above all, place your trust in no one not even any pastor, but in the Almighty for strength, wisdom and the ability to forgive so that true peace doesn’t elude you!

Ds is arant nonsence, she should hold d papers of d house tight, if pressure is too much she should sale d house immediately since dy collectively built d house together & d man did not introduce those two sons as his children & he did not write any will to include those children. what d mans family is saying is rubish & they are very wicked d woman should not spare them except if she willing want to give those children something out of church mind. If d mans family is good dy should hv told his wife b/4 now dy are very wicked, if somebody do d same to their daughter how will dy fill. If d man is Igbo d woman should know dt her two girls does not hv any property in his village b’cos in Igbo land women don’t inherent land so let her hold does building very well beside she contributed in d house, pls madam don’t mind anybody but made them know dt u contributed in the house & dt every body should stay clear.

An incestuous scenario just crossed my mind. So imagine if one the twins met the older daughter and started dating her and they did the nasty without knowing they are related!!! Don’t all these parents that hide skeletons in their closet think about such things gheezzz I shudder just at the thought!

Who says d boys n Deir mum want the house? Ders more to life dan material possessions.She moved on n is married. Am sure they just came to pay their last respect. I have a son whoz father has Neva met cos he doesn’t want to have anything to do with him. Initially I was hurt but please,life goes on. My son’s father is very single and he bears my surname. Life can be unfair but all il say is avoid trouble for the sake of your daughters.

Wait a minute! How are we even sure those kids belong to the deceased man? I suspect its a ploy between the in-laws and the twins mama to con money and properties from the vulnerable widow. The woman in question is not married to her husband so why should she and her children (sons or whatever) want partake in sharing their hard earned assets? If they were really his kids, I believe he would have written a will recognising the twins as his children and assigning them a portion of his estate, but he didn’t because he had no other family else where. I think if he had the heart to put his wife of so many years in this difficult position on the event of his death, he could as well recognised the other woman or even brought her into his home. But he didn’t. And how come she was married to him all these years but didn’t see nor suspect nothing? Cos there is really no family elsewhere. In-laws can go lengths to get their hands on their late brother’s wealth. The woman is even from her husband’s place. I smell serious game plan! Where I come from if a woman is not married to a man, she has no rights to his wealth, except if the man recognised the children as his when alive. Me thinks this widow needs to run DNA test on those twins to assert the kids actually belong to her husband. Even if they do, she decides what they get. And she is to get more, she is his legal wife.

Stupid men and their deceitful ways……women be wise and keep documents of everything. If u do anything together your full names must be reflected….. That’s how my hubby got a girl pregnant and I found out…..to think that I was trusting God and praying for a child too….God has been so good to me that he always exposes his escapades…….he tried to deny at first but I had already started my warfare cos no woman shall unseat me as I did not go to babalawo to marry…….na jeje I siddon wey dem come toast me…long and short the baby died……while I had no hand in her death God has blessed me with my own children…..it is wicked to be married and have a child outside and not tell your spouse…….let your friend ask God for the grace to forgive, then go get a lawyer…..

I think she should consult with a lawyer first as to regards to the deed of the property and request a DNA test be done on the twins(I personally do not trust anybody who claims they are the outside kids). The woman needs to be strong and fight for what is rightfully hers. Love everybody but trust no one.

A DNA test is needed to be sure that those kids are his.
Let his family know how much of the investment is yours. Tell them you will recuperate what is yours before they give anything to his sons.
Listen to what they will say and take it from there.

Take heart. Remain prayerful. When it looks like life has come to an end, God knows how to turn things around. .

madam, first of run a DNA test on them before you take the next step, also i will love to advice you to take the children instead of sharing the properties, allow them to come and live with you as your own children.

First off, I would like to sympathize with your friend, loss of a loved one is not easy to deal with let alone loss of a loved one infused with betrayal from a loved one.
However, seeing that he had those kids 2 years prior to when he married her, the big mistake here is that he kept this information from her, we can’t decipher his reason as why he did so…maybe out of love or maybe he was confused….but as nobody plans to die, his death definately wouldn’t have been the way he wanted his wife to find out.
Secondly, please let us consider the twins and how they feel, she shouldn’t look at them as part of the conspiracy but as innocent victims of the consequences of their parents actions, those boys are also if not more than affected by this betrayal, imagine a life without a father figure or a mentor or fatherly presence to direct them earlier in life.
Lastly, we keep saying “Inlaws” this and “inlaws” that like they are some sort of tribe or another set of people, inlaws are our individual respective families and as much as I can uphold my family in high esteem I see no reason why I should subject another family to diabolical means and no standards. This family is only trying to compensate those young boys out of the guilt they feel, and I understand that it is your prerogative to accept or not and by all means then find a good lawyer and defend your case.
But the effect of your decisions now would have a resounding effect in the future. Trust me.
Praying that God directs you and gives you a heart of love and forgiveness to be able to move past this experience a better and stronger person.

I read somewhere that fighting for property is a sign that you do not trust God to give you better or more. I dnt know how you feel but i have an idea. Take time out with God and trash this issue out. Let him know how you hurt but allow his love flow through you to them. By yourself you can neveer love those kids but with god doing the loving through you, you’ll be fine. Give them the house, not because its their right, or because they deserve it but because you love God and thats what he’d’want you to do. Show love to them now even if it seems like your going to die, but God will surprise you!

Was the man married to the other woman? Did her in laws know that they existed and never told her? Why are they deciding on how to share her husband’s property? Abeg the inlaws don’t look kind to me at all abeg. It’s the woman that shd decide not the inlaws

I dunno if anyone has tot of d possibility dat the deceased neva had doz children and that there is no woman anywhere. I mean, have we tot of the possibility that the man’s family might b d one scheming to get a portion of their “sons” property knowing fully well that the wife was a strong backbone and d best way to go abt it is to hire a woman with 2 boys who is hungry enuf to agree to d plan? honestly, doh it is believable dat he has kids from outside but wat i find unsettling is realising dat d kids are even older dan d ones at home. i can understand if they were much younger, mayb bcos he didnt av a male child and all dat but avin older children and der was no mention of it all thru his lifetime is really unsettling

So sorry for what your friend is going through.She needs to pray so as time goes by she will be able to forgive her husband.Its already done and holding on to pain and anger will do her no good.
Put everything in Gods hands and let Him fight for you.Do wat is best for you and your kids to have a peaceful home.Regardless of wat of how u feel now, let noone make you become a bitter woman and mother.You cant changed wat happened but you can choose how you react to it..Get yourself together and show your kids how strong women handle things.Remember you are their role model.Let them have it as long as you and your kids are safe.Let go and let God.