Sunday, 20 January 2013

I went to University this week which
was...I don't really know. It was good to see my friends especially my friends
Claire and Jenny. I found a house to rent next year and paid the deposit. But I
realised how much I still need to change before I go back. Shopping, cooking,
eating even if no one else is in or eating, even if they are all talking about
the gym and diets. I saw my old mental health woman who
I'll see next year too. They now have two ED nurses every Wednesday which is
just drop in and then they can refer you or you can just carry on with the drop
in when and if you are struggling. Which is good to know.There are lots of aspects of uni
life I'm no longer accustomed to... drunk people, 2am booty calls (not for me I
might add), relationship 'crisis' etc...I was also extremely cold. The UK is
covered in snow at the moment so obviously it is cold but friends slept in a
normal number of layers. On the train I kept my coat, hat, scarf and mittens on
whilst others were in their t-shirts. Walking made my chest ache, it is worse
than last year when I was eating less, walking more.

I'm seeing the GP tomorrow and
should hopefully find out about my 24hr ECG. I've never had my medication on a
repeat prescription (I've never been trusted) so I forgot to order the repeat.
I can just ask her tomorrow.

ALSO my free bus pass expires at the
end of March. I *think* I can get a new one what with the fainting and cardiac
issues but I depend on it so much. I don't know how I'll cope if I don't
qualify for a new one.

Thursday, 10 January 2013

I'm finding food so hard. I'm so tired and hungry. I wrote T and F a note about not being able to sort this out myself but we haven't talked about it yet.I'm going home for a night on Monday, Tuesday morning I am finally having my lower brace removed. Then I'm getting the train to Nottingham and I'll be there until Saturday. Hopefully leaving with a house mostly sorted for September.

Monday, 7 January 2013

I saw the GP this morning. She didn't weigh me meaning I haven't known my weight for five days. She is getting in touch with my Child psychiatrist about what I'm actually diagnosed with. The GP surgery is having a team meeting with the dietician about her giving me a weight loss plan, low fat etc. I'm starting the pill to hopefully help with bone density. I'm also going to be having a 24 hour ECG sometime soon to check out fainting and heart damage stuff. I need to go back to uni to sort out a house for next year but I need to go and look and sign all in one week. Friends are being very vague about what is happening so....

Friday, 4 January 2013

So I decided to go and buy new boots. I walked into town, my back hurt, my back hurt a lot, I felt dizzy, I fainted. Someone called an ambulance and once I was more with it I gave them my phone to call T and F. T drove into town. The paramedic agreed to check me over at home rather than the local hospital. Blood pressure, blood sugar, checking my spine. My neck really hurts still and it is hard to move.I'm such an idiot. I should have eaten breakfast.

New year: new notebooks, new plans, new spreadsheets, new graphs. I no longer have my scales. So I have a calorie counter app (because I don't know the calories already?!) and a spreadsheet that calculates weight loss in grams according to my required calories and deficit. A pedometer, a tape measure.I'm such a loser. I'm seeing the GP on Monday, who will weigh me. I need to talk to her about the mess that is my assessment by the mental health team. I want to talk to T and/or F about some practical things and also things I'm worried about... but I don't want to ask for their time (because I don't deserve it).

***

I'm trying to decide whether to go out to buy new boots. I live about 12 miles from the Clarks factory. But it is a 30 minute walk to the bus stop and then 50 minutes on the bus. I need to decide. I'm tired because I'm restricting then berating myself for being lazy (sound familiar to anyone?).