Thursday, October 10, 2013

So, I definitely should be in bed right now. But despite reading an article recently stating that night owls died earlier than early risers, I've not been able to break that habit.

For some reason I've been introspective recently. It happens sometimes. I've been thinking about relationships, marriage in particular. It tough, you know? But it's amazing, all at the same time. I think that it is not that easy to stay in love with someone for years and years and years. It is much easier to let another person who passes you by catch your eye. But your reward for that effort is tremendous. To have someone to stand by you, through thick and thin. To have someone that, no matter what, is there. Someone that you can be completely vulnerable with. You can voice your fears, desires, anxieties, and dreams. And they won't laugh or think you're weak or deranged or anything other than just you. No front. No pretense. Just you.

And it really has to be about you and that other person. No matter where life takes you. It's no longer about you, per se. It's about the plural you. As a couple. So if one person gets an amazing opportunity in Nebraska (which according to Charlie's grandma may as well be Alaska) you go. And you embrace it. Even if you don't immediately have a job or a place there. How hard must it be for him to tell people in this little town that he "works in my office" right now? We are living in a place where a lady doctor is a rarity, let alone a house husband so-to-speak. And his help in the office is undeniable. He has such a better business mind than me. And he's worked in corporate America, so he's a lot better at personnel stuff than I am. He has thrown his whole self into making sure that I - that we- are successful here. And he's there when we walk at night and I say, "What if I'm not cut out to be a surgeon? What if I can't do this?" And he says, "Then we'll figure it out. But I think you're cut out for it."

When I left residency everyone told me how brave I was. To go out and just do this. Take over a practice. Jump right in. I think that I am often the brave one that is willing to take the leap. I'm always ready to just drive in, head first. No matter what it is. But I think that it is Charlie that finishes it out for us. He's the one that is the steady voice. The optimistic voice. If it was up to me I feel like I'd crumble into an anxious ball of nerves. But he's the voice that says, "you can do this. I know you can. And if you don't believe me, ask someone else, but I think you can."

He is not perfect. Neither am I. We fight sometimes. But not like we used to. Over the last 12 years or so we've learned a thing or two about relating to each other. But I feel so blessed to have found someone like him. Someone who's idea of what a marriage aligns with mine. Someone who is in it for the long haul. Someone who understands that there is an order in things, and that our marriage needs to come before almost anything else in this world, because without that, what do we have really?

I just wish that it was something that people were guaranteed to experience in life. Because it's a different kind of relationship than any other. And I would not trade it for anything.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Went to the Ob/Gyn here in Nebraska yesterday. We talked about things and he agreed with my other Ob/Gyn that a slew of genetic testing was probably not worth the money. They already checked all of the more common things and that was all normal, so for now, no reproductive endocrinologist, which I am happy with.

I'm going in next week for something called an SIS I think. It's basically a 3-D ultrasound of my uterus to make sure that after the septum was removed I didn't develop any adhesions or anything like that. Then he had me start taking a baby aspirin every day, and he gave me a prescription for progesterone to start taking the day I find out I'm pregnant again. The aspirin and the progesterone are sort of voo-doo. Some people swear by it, there is little in the literature to support it, but there is very little in the way of side effects for either one of them, and some women have success after starting them.

So we're back to trying. And I think I'm ready. I don't get so upset or angry about it anymore. Another of my good friends told us she was pregnant recently, and I was able to feel happy for her. Another just had a beautiful baby girl, and I was really happy for her too. Sireesha, who just had the baby, had some issues with infertility herself. She and her husband had tried to get pregnant for over two years before they finally figured out what was wrong.

I hope that it is in the cards for us to be parents. I think that if we have another miscarriage we will probably start to look into adoption though. At least that's what we think right now. We go back and forth. In some ways we both feel that if we can't have kids of our own, maybe we just won't have kids. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. One crisis at a time:)

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Most of you remember Beth, one of my good friends growing up. She now is mostly a SAHM, but she also has a website that she runs, called Nestlette. It's so funny because looking through it, you can totally see the girl I grew up with. In so many way we were so different, but this is totally Beth. Organized, clever, crafty, girly and sweet. She posts some really cute things on there, so I like to go every once in awhile and check it out. You should too:)