~ Breathe ● Embrace ● Proceed

Tag Archives: Silence & Serenity

I recall when I bought my first DSLR, someone (can’t remember who) asked if I had intention to take up photography. ‘Umm’, I thought. No, not really. I just wanted to take prettier pictures. With the camera in hand, I thought I was good to go, until I realised I wasn’t all that good afterall.

Having possessing neither the a) Skills and b) Knowledge of photography, the pictures I took were far from pretty, and believe you me, the ‘prettier pictures’ that I wanted were not a lot prettier than those that I took with my old point-and-shoot panasonic.

I would liken photography to swimming. Practice, practice, and practice. Unless there’s somebody who’s able to convince me that it is possible to swim like a pro just by reading up on “Swimming 101″…

Some 7000-odd pictures later with the bulky equipment, yes, I think I can take ‘prettier pictures’ now, though of course they are still a far cry from professional standards and it’s not in my near-future-plans to be a professional either.

Yes, I take a hell lot of pictures of my makes & bakes; the number of photos I take for one angle borders on ridiculous and I attribute it to my [lack of] skills.

And if there’s anything that I learned in photography, it is not just about capturing ‘prettier pictures’. Sometimes, it’s ‘moments’–things that don’t pause nor wait. It’s not unlike an attempt to freeze time into a little frame, with one click of a button.

There are moments when I simply don’t have the luxury of time, or equipment, for me to take multiple shots. Since I spend a large percentage of my time on the road when I sail to Batam/Bintan, I take most of the pictures from inside a moving vehicle, using my mobile camera.

Singapore has beautiful skylines, but I wonder if anyone ever realised that Indonesia has wide, beautiful skies? I wonder, too, that if I didn’t say it, would anyone have thought or believed that the photos in this post were all in fact, taken in Indonesia. They are not of the best quality, but definitely the best moments I captured when I was there.

Like this:

Signed up for a new french course with YJ and Syarah. Not the intermediate course; taking a ‘break’ in between and signed up for 2 months of phonics before we continue to, erm, endure. On our way to the MRT, YJ asked if I’m seeing anyone at the moment. I told her no, but I’m pretty happy with the way I am now.

I’m happier that I can be truthful to myself, my words. It’s a lot harder pretending to be okay when you’re not, and do I know it well. There’s no need for that anymore because apart from my health issues, I’m alright on my own and no longer need to keep up a good front to assure my close ones–I think my friends can see it for themselves too.

I guess I’m generally accommodating and I don’t take delight in saying no to people. But if I have to, I will. I don’t find pleasure in making lives difficult for people–at least I don’t do it deliberately. But then I’m no martyr either, and I will never be one.

In one diary that I left behind, I ended it with one word–a question, to be precise: “Why?”

I no longer have any intentions to find the answer. In the process to get myself back on track, I realise not everything necessarily has an answer to them. Ask all you want if you want, but a simple “why” might be too profound to answer sometimes.

As I said to my friends, you can’t erase memories in a flick of a switch, but I’ll do myself a huge favour by not deliberately recalling them. They will fade if I let them and won’t if I don’t. You’ll realise soon enough, that you can’t miss what you don’t recall, and you can’t possibly lose what you never had. And I’m guessing this post might make more sense to you now– Be it some dreams, some memories, some people, I’ll accept and do with them what I deem right for me.

I received something in the mail today. Too much to write if I go into details here, but I’ll have to send them back. Once in a long ago, they might have made me very happy. Special, even. But they no longer have that kind of effect on me and have ceased to possess the same meaning. Above all, they are no longer appropriate. I don’t like to say no. But if I have to, I will.

Like this:

Compiling some of my past Bakes & Makes that I think are more erm…photo-worthy. There’re loads more stuff I’d whipped up, mainly found on FB, before I started this blog. Food is always pleasing to my eyes lol! That said, my 1st photo was horrendous, but I will leave it there as long as FB allows. Would it be too crazy to say that I found peace in cooking & baking? Geez, maybe I should make it my religion!

Everytime we go through a rough patch, we emerge stronger, happier, look back and wonder what all the fuss was about in the 1st place. It’s true, and do I know it well. I used to lament to myself that people are always talking about ‘moving on’. What do they know about moving on? You read it in books and theories and hear it in the movies, but I am living it. How come they keep saying it but nobody teaches you how to do it?

I find the healing process a little like bread-making. You can’t rush it; you gotta work it, you can bash it around and make a mess if you need to. But towards the end of it, you really need to give it a rest and let time do its magic–let it proof. Sometimes you need to proof it twice. Or thrice, and let the flavour develop. That’s why I love making bread by hand–feeling everything coming together gratifies me.

It also depends on what kinda bread you are. I might be a brioche, I think. High failure rate and hard to handle. But so flavourful and full of buttery goodness ahaha. Can you handle a brioche? I’d like to see you try.

In a way, I’m ‘thankful’ for these food that I whipped up. Because truth be told, I’d always thought my kitchen to be ‘too cramped and unworkable’, and never knew to appreciate it. As fate would have it, it was in this very kitchen that I explored new recipes and possibilities. Of course, I tried some and failed some, liked some and didn’t like some. Still, I’m pretty proud of myself for coming this far. It was once in a long ago I hoped so hard to be able to see that I gained more than I lost, but try as I might, I couldn’t.

How blinded. In sooth, not everyone could be as fortunate as I. Yes, I say fortunate, because despite everything, I have friends looking out for me, waiting, giving me the peace and time I needed to find my way back. And when I did come back, I could almost hear them heave bloody loud sighs of relief lol. I don’t have that many friends, but then they are all quality assured.

Ahhh…Good times, bad times, I’ll take it one at a time, more good than bad to come :)

Like this:

Like a halfway house, I think I am,I’m not needed till the end.Your mid-journey, where I existTo see you through your grief.I trust I’ll be hard to rememberBut you’ll never forget me.And if I’m not your destinyYour halfway girl I’ll be.~J.