testing the limits of sleep deprivation

It’s time for a progress report on my weight loss. The good news is I have lost 27 of the 52 pounds Weight Watchers says I need to lose. The bad news is I don’t feel like I look better. I don’t even feel thinner. My clothes are telling a different story, of course, but my head is not buying it at all. I even ordered shorts a few weeks ago in my original size, my brain insisting that J. Crew runs small. Let’s just say I don’t need to unbutton or unzip them in the bathroom.

I know I am healthier. Getting winded on a flight of stairs is a thing of the past. Running is something I can now do and even enjoy (a little bit). At home I was running about three quarters of a mile and walking the last quarter. When we were on vacation I decided to see what I could really do. What I discovered is I can run a mile and a quarter without stopping. I don’t run fast, but damn it, I can run.

The twenty-five extraneous pounds that remain are not insignificant but I’m starting to wonder how I will feel when I finally reach my goal weight. Will I still think I’m fat? Forty plus years of poor body image are looking like a tough addiction to break free of. While there is no real “high”, I know I have used my weight as a comfortable crutch. For all the pressures being fat puts on a body, I used it to let myself off the hook about any number of things. Swimsuits, for example. I haven’t owned one since 1992.

Health is the reason I will soldier on to my goal weight and why I will work like hell to stay there. (Okay, health driven by a desire to see grandchildren because I am not living through this difficult period with my kids without a ginormous reward at the end.) Maybe by then my brain will get with the program too.

A friend dm’d me today to tell me that she thought to tell me I looked great at BlogHer but she felt like she was commenting on the changes in my body every time she’d seen me since yoga started and she didn’t want it to get overwhelming.

Smart lady, because I am the type of person who is so sick from years of body hate and yo-yo dieting that when people start telling me I look good I either head straight into the food again or I starve. Brains are weird. Anyway, she told me in a very clinical way that what I was doing, and how I felt about it, appeared to be working. That I look stronger, and healthier, and like I feel so much better. I would say the same for you. You can absolutely tell that you have lost weight, which, anyone can really do that, but you can tell you’re doing it in a sane, healthy way that includes exercise. You will always be a person who reflects fitness when you’re working hard on taking care of your body, and I hope I’m the same way.

I’ve only lost 18 pounds. I feel like the 40 remaining that I’ve set as a goal for myself will take years, but as long as I don’t backslide to where I was when I woke up on my 40th birthday, and I keep moving forward, even if it’s slow, I’ll be better off.

We need to stop asking the impossible of ourselves, and we need to get better at giving ourselves breaks. You deserve it. You are doing great. I can tell, and I know you can too. (Running alone, which I tried and have so far abandoned, is a huge thing.) However, I hope you save some points to have a beer at the game with me.

Anonymous

(And you know, I’m pretty sure I’ll always think I’m not thin enough. It’s a crazy mindset. But I bet you will still feel better, and there are those babies to be healthy and able to run around for. So no matter what you’ll win.)

http://funkydung.com/ Eric Williams

What program do you use for weight tracking?

http://headlessfamily5.blogspot.com/ Headless Mom

Yeah. What Laurie said.

ClumberKim

I’m using Weight Watchers tracking on the web and iPhone. It’s not perfect but they have made a lot of improvements over the last few years.

http://twitter.com/ClumberKim Kim Daboo

You, me, beer, game. (and Sarah, goon squad, Mr C, O, and E too)

http://twitter.com/ClumberKim Kim Daboo

I’m using the Weight Watchers website and mobile app for iPhone. Though far from perfect, it’s vastly improved over what was available a few years ago.

http://sarahandthegoonsquad.com/ Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah

But you DO look good, and you deserve a break. 27 pounds is a HUGE deal. Don’t think so? Go grab three 10 lbs bags of rice.

Caleysvensson

You look fantastic. And as a “off the wagon” WW member, you have inspired me at this very moment to stop eating the M&Ms by my desk, throw them in the trash, and join you on your journey. Sometimes you just need a little inspiration, and you are it.

http://clumberkim.com ClumberKim

Yay!!!!! Way to go Mrs S! I need to update this as I’m around 35 pounds lost now and it’s resulting in some interesting issues. If I can do it, ANYONE can. I think you’ll like the changes in the program. Keep me posted!