Sunday, February 07, 2010

I have thought not only twice but thrice about blogging about this. But before anything else, I just want to make a disclaimer, I am too sad to blogginderzie this post. Now, if you are looking for fun and something to laugh at and you don’t want to succumb to my cries of desperation and pathetic nuisances … then I would strongly suggest that you close this blog and skip to another site or do something awful to someone.

I guess that it is still always easy to start with how you are feeling when you want to blog about something. Well, I’m hurt right now ….maybe hurt is a bit of an understatement … try devastated. Okay, so I’m a bit devastated. I would really want to tell why and write down the entire story here but I don’t think that I have enough strength and courage to do that without slashing my wrists or jumping out of my window.

My abominable mother has relentlessly reminded me that this day would come. Well, I’ve experienced this day before, a couple of times …. I’m experiencing it right now, which does not really make me feel less hurt …. and I bet my skinny ass and my 25inch waist that I will continue experiencing this time and time again.

The feeling has always been the same only the names and the faces of the people causing this constantly change.

I will not forget that day when my mother and I are setting up the table for a family dinner, when she said, “Kung pipiliin mong maging ganyan (bading) …. Kailangan mong tanggapin na tatanda ka nang mag-isa. Gusto mo bang tumandang mag-isa?”

I didn’t answer and I just shrugged my shoulder. At that point, I really didn’t think of my mother as a good resource speaker when it comes to homosexual life. I just thought that she perhaps was just playing tricks on me as she always does, like when I was five, she keeps on telling me that if get wounded, a train will come out of the wound. Well, I surely got wounded, but no train came out, that ruined my mom’s credibility.

Now, when these sad moments come to me, I always have the inkling to look back and play the “what if” game in my mind. What if I will be given the chance to turn back time and go back to the point wherein I have to choose between the Gay & Fabulous Avenue and the Straight & Dull Boulevard, would I be choosing differently?

One part of me says yes …. But a bigger and a more flamboyant part of me says “Hell NO!”.

So, I just need to live with it. Yesterday, I felt a throbbing pain from a space underneath my rib cage where a heart is supposed to be strategically placed, when MHW didn’t text me.

For the past five days, we have been constantly having lunch together.

In the middle of the day, he would text me and tell me that he will go out to grab lunch … “WANNA COME?”. At first, I hesitated. Again, it’s the foolishness and the idea of being a querida creeps into me like a humid breeze in a sunny El Nino afternoon. But my attraction towards him had grown into something inexplicable. I have bargained and I accepted the consequences (and so I thought).

So regardless of whatever I was doing within those days, when MHW texts, I’ll either have to sneak out of a meeting or cancel everything all throughout, go out, meet him somewhere discreet and enjoy our stolen moments.

Thursday night, I blurted out something to him that I shouldn’t have had. I told him how I enjoy his company and like how things are working out for the two of us. Then, he threw a very weird gaze at me as if I have just spoken in an unfamiliar language.

I curled into a defensive mode and told him that I am not expecting anything deeper and more serious than this and that I know that we’ve known each other “personally” for a very short span of time.

Then, he finally spoke. “Bernz, as much as possible, I want this to continue and I want to get to know you more .. but …”

Yeah! There you have it! There should always be a “but”! There MUST always be a “BUT”!

I stopped him in mid-sentence, “I don’t want your “as much as possibles” …. we can go on like this and for you, I am willing to be the second …… the third …. or even the fourth best!”

And that’s when the SHIT hits the pan.

He just smiled, then touched the back of my head and caressed it like a father does to his two year old son.

But what can I do? I always tend to be vulnerable to this … I always develop feelings for people whom I am not supposed to develop feelings to. Because whenever I do … I always end up either hitting a prick (brick) wall or pulling my hair out of my scalp.

So, yesterday, I have waited patiently for his text at around lunch time and no text came in. After thirty minutes, I stepped out of my aquarium and looked for him. Somebody said he already left for lunch.

My inner-self have warned me against what I will have to do next. But I still did. I went down and looked for him.

It just took me around five minutes to find him. And there he was in a fast food eating with (I assumed to be) “THE LEGAL WIFE”.

I was looking from a couple of meters away and felt as if a bee stung me. I was paralyzed for a moment, I can’t move and I can’t even think.

I just turned my back and walked away.

RICA, being a very good and sympathetic friend told me through text, “Why would you be hurt? Did he even become yours?”

I replied, “You don’t need to have or own someone, in order for that someone to hurt you.”

We are incessantly being hurt by people, hell, we are being hurt by people that we don’t even freaking like. Hurt and pain is inevitable ….. and for a faggot like me … it comes in trenches … it amplifies to the point of depression, suicidal tendencies and pathetic musings such as this.

The question …. “HOW COME NOBODY LOVES ME?” ….. always come to mind.

But at the end … you will have to make a choice … let yourself be affected by it … do something about it … or just move on ….

“Bernz! What happened between us could have been a mistake. Pero ginusto ko yon. Can you forgive me? I like you a lot. I have already broken up with my lover. Matagal kong pinag-isipan ito. Pero now, I am ready. Pwede bang mag-start tayo all over again?”

Habang super lafang with the tricycle drivers eh MHW is back to his unusual self. If I don’t know more, siguro iisipin kong may pagkakrung-krung itong si kuya. Multiple personalities on the loose. He appeared comfortable, free-spirited, happy. Kwento lang siya nang kwento nang kung anu-ano. And I just listened and looked at him.

Siguro ganun talaga if you are with the person that you really like. It’s regardless of how you spend the time together, or what you are doing, or eating, as long as you’re together, you’re genuinely happy.

“We’ve been together for more than a year …. I never really cheated on him. Not until that afternoon that we’re together. So na-bother talaga ako. Pero whenever I am with you, outside the office ha, when you’re not a dragoness, parang I feel very comfortable with you …”

“So ……”

“So … I like you! There I said it! I really like you. Pero ayaw ko namang maging complicated ang lahat at madamay ka. Ayaw ko ren namang masaktan ka. It’s gonna be unfair for you and my lover.”

“So ….”

“Let’s just be like this …. There’s nothing wrong with that naman di ba?”

Sometimes, we keep on looking for something and wanting it desperately, that when it finally comes, we’re so afraid to grab it because of the fear that we might lose it that easily.

And then, the desire keeps on getting stronger when we know that we can’t have IT.

A point comes when we learn that we can’t have what we desire. We will stage tantrums. We will be angry. We will formulate a grand scheme out of anger to achieve whatever we want. But we will still fail.

Then, some will walk out and head to the “forget-all-about-it” route. But there are some instances when we know that we can’t have everything, we will, then, settle for something.

After anger, we end up bargaining and compromising. Just because we don’t want to completely lose it.

Maybe it’s better this way …. You won’t have the entire cake but at least you’ll have a piece of it for you to savor.

But the problem is … you wouldn’t know how long it will last until you will be asking for more.