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WASHINGTON—A crazed grin spreading across his face as his eyes darted wildly from one paramedic to another, sources said Tuesday that a babbling Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell demanded that the EMTs loading him onto a stretcher outside the Capitol vote ‘Yes’ on the Graham-Cassidy healthcare bill.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Saying the rookie running back was merely “working through something,” members of the Minnesota Vikings coaching staff told reporters Tuesday that they are not going to panic over a flickering Dalvin Cook.

SUN PRAIRIE, WI—According to shocked and disgusted sources, local couple Graham and Allison Finlay partake in a bizarre presex ritual where they tuck both of their kids into bed and then kiss them goodnight.

WARWICK, RI—Saying it wished it had touched down to rest its wings somewhere a bit less visible, a local bird told reporters Tuesday that it wouldn’t have landed on a ledge had it known everyone would make it into a whole big thing.

ANN ARBOR, MI—Groaning upon spotting the image on his Facebook newsfeed, local man Peter Grant was reluctantly forced to agree with an absolutely moronic political cartoon Tuesday in which the Statue of Liberty was depicted hugging several immigrants.

MENLO PARK, CA—Vowing that the social media site would always safeguard the sensitive information, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Monday that his company would never hand over users’ medical records to the government.

OJAI, CA—Finally getting a chance to try her hand at “storytelling from the other side of the camera,” a local monarch butterfly reportedly made her directorial debut Monday on the PBS documentary series ‘Nature.’

WEST LAFAYETTE, IN–Michigan holder Garrett Moores is fucking sick of giving little pep talks to his team’s kicker every time he misses a field goal, sources confirmed during Saturday’s game between Michigan and Purdue.

MENLO PARK, CA—In light of recent catastrophes both at home and abroad, Facebook began offering a new profile frame Friday that lets friends know you stopped scrolling for a second to look at disaster photos and felt sorta bad.

WASHINGTON—Saying it was the first step in gaining the confidence and stability he would need to reintegrate back into society, residents and staff on Thursday welcomed former White House strategist Sebastian Gorka to New Beginnings, a halfway house for fired Trump administration members.

NEW YORK—Shedding new light on the origin of interpersonal communication, a report released Friday by anthropologists at New York University found that it took humans 3,000 years after developing language to work up the confidence to talk to each other.

Okay, Let's Cut To The Chase—Which People Do I Know Who You Also Know Who Went To Your School?

Hi, hello, nice to meet you, let’s get down to business. You say you went to Boston College. Now, this is what’s going to happen: I am going to tell you all of the people I know who went to Boston College, and then you are going to tell me if you also know them, because it will be interesting if you and I know similar people. Make sense? Great.

Do you know Sarah Whitman? She is a friend of mine who went to Boston College, and if she’s a friend of yours, that would mean she is friends with both of us, which is a fact we can have a brief conversations about. So, do you know Sarah Whitman? No? Okay. Let’s keep going.

Mitch Hatfield. Know him? No? That’s unfortunate, because Mitch is an awesome guy and it would be interesting if you knew Mitch during your college years and, completely independent of your college years, I knew Mitch. That would be a coincidence we could talk about. You could ask how Mitch is doing, I could say he is doing good, and we could move on. But because you don’t know Mitch, we won’t be able to talk about that. That is too bad. However, we cannot dwell on it, because I have more names for you to say yes or no to.

Ready?

Point-blank, do you know Scott Callahan, Greg Buchanan, or Carol Portman? No? None of them? Okay. How about Tom Dreisman? He, like Mitch, is another awesome guy who went to your school and who I now know. Do you know him? Come on, buddy. Do you or don’t you know Tom? If you have to think about it this long, that means you don’t know him. Next person.

Did you have any classes with Amanda Gloss? Did you ever meet Amanda Gloss at a party? Did you run intramural track? Because Amanda Gloss once told me she ran intramural track. How do I know Amanda Gloss? That’s really not important if you don’t know her, is it? Just giving you that information for no reason is a waste of my time and a waste of your time. We need to focus and figure out if we have any mutual acquaintances. So, back to the original question: Do you know Amanda Gloss?

No. Fine.

Rachel Heffernan. Know her? I haven’t talked to Rachel in five years and didn’t really know her all that well to begin with, but one time she said she went to Boston College, and you said you went to Boston College, so here we are. No, I don’t know what year she graduated. Yes, I understand Boston College is a pretty big school. Look, do you know her or not? Don’t squint your eyes and say, “Um.” This is extremely simple. I say a name, and then you say yes or no and nothing else, okay? Ready? Rachel Heffernan.

That’s very unfortunate.

By the way, I’m John Haber. I went to the University of Maryland. I’m telling you that because at some point in the future, you may meet someone else who went to the University of Maryland, and he may ask you, “Do you know John Haber?” and you will be able to say, “Yes, I do know John Haber.” And after that you can talk about how you know me and then search for something else to say until you both realize there is nothing else to talk about.

Cheryl. I don’t remember her last name. Do you know any Cheryls? You do. Is she black? Yes, we are talking about the same Cheryl. Black Cheryl. Great.

Well, now I have told you the names of the people I know who went to your college, and of those people, you have told me the ones you also know. If my count is correct, we know a total of two of the same people: Doug Harris and black Cheryl. We are finished now.

More from this section

MENLO PARK, CA—Vowing that the social media site would always safeguard the sensitive information, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Monday that his company would never hand over users’ medical records to the government.

SUN PRAIRIE, WI—According to shocked and disgusted sources, local couple Graham and Allison Finlay partake in a bizarre presex ritual where they tuck both of their kids into bed and then kiss them goodnight.