As noted philosopher Carrie Bradshaw once put it, the New York Times wedding announcements are "the straight woman's sports pages." Altarcations is all about scoring the game. Each week, we evaluate the latest newlyweds, based on an elaborate rating system, described below.

This week was a queer battle of the couples in Vows, what with the special ed teaching mothers and the wealthy professional fathers. We thought that the Greenberg-Slonim nuptials would surely take the lead (we loved the gratuitous mention of their "family" bench in Central Park), but it was boring, over-achieving Penn grads from New Jersey who ended up bringing home the bacon. How? How could such a travesty occur?

During his insane, drawn out "Quest for Yes" scavenger hunt of a proposal, Matthew made Gayle "Go for a jog to the park bench in Central Park that had been donated by his parents" for no other reason than to show off: +2