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Nonna

Hang in there

Hang in there, that's all I seem to hear. Besides my father's heart condition, now my mother has one also. Her stay in the hospital shocked her so much that her mind is really deteriorating. I'm having a bad day physically and she keeps repeating herself. She also said she couldn't find her hearing aids, so in the middle of trying to cook lunch, I had to go look for them. Couldn't find. Them anywhere. 2 hours later we discover that they were in her ears. This evening while I was cooking dinner, she came out three times to tell me the same thing. I lost it and snapped back.

And my sister keeps telling me
This is what you wanted
You just got to hang in there.

In nine weeks, it will be a year since I came down, and I've had a four day break. That break told me they need someone constantly. Especially now. Mother can't seemed to really function well.

Comments

I woke to horrible dreams this morning, it made me feel like everything good about my life is being taken from me. I know that this is just a passing thing. A feeling of being overwhelmed, being out of control.

Out of control of my life, as if I was ever in control. Never have I been in control there has always been someone else there to make or help me make decisions. Even when I was a single mom I was not in control - doing what was best for the kids. Now I'm doing what is best for my parents; what they want. I feel like I'm not in control.

What is control? Everyone always wants to control things. I know I have to and want to trust that The Lord God knows what he is doing, but why am I tormented with bad dreams. I want to cry but can't. I want hugs, but none are freely given. I'm feeling alone in the crowd again; everyone supposedly understands. But no one truly offers help.

Well, my sister finally showed up to visit and stay with my parents. I took off for my son's house for some time and then went to my daughters. Rested I've now returned.

Mother is better physically, mentally is another story. One of my friends told me about Sharon Sala, I think that's her name on Facebook. She deals with her mother and calls her Little Mama. She tells funny stories that make me feel better. I think maybe I can find the humor in some of the situations that happen, but so far I just have the Italian restaurant story

We're at the table and I ask Mother what she wants to order. She tells me what do I usually get? Cheese Ravioli Mom. Ok that's what I want. We order and five minutes later.... What am I going to eat? Cheese Ravioli Mom............five minutes later........ What am I going to eat? Cheese Ravioli Mom. This went on until our plates arrived. Mom: What's this? Cheese ravioli Mom. The surprising thing out of all this was that she ate all but one, usually she eats only3 or 4.

Well now that she feels better, she moves rapidly around the house. Forgetting her crane or walker. She fell again while I was gone, so I have to watch her like a hawk. She doesn't like that and is giving me nasty looks. So here I go back, hoping the rest of this year goes better than the first 3 months.

Nonna, I went through this with my Mom and Dad before they went into assisted living. Mom had Alzheimer's really bad. She was a nightmare. Poor thing. She was in bad shape. I used to snap at her too. We would get into it. My poor dad was left in the middle. They both knew I loved them terribly though. We were family and all would be forgiven. Now I just miss them and remember the good times we had before Mom got mentally sick and Dad got physically sick with cancer. They both passed a few years ago. It was both a relief and not a relief at the same time. Nobody knows what this is like until they go through it themselves. It isn't pretty.