Your driver will not win the 2009 Sprint Cup title. We already know why Juan Pablo Montoya and Carl Edwards shouldn’t even bother to run the final 10 races. And I think Kasey Kahne should join them on the “Sit on Your Bum Express.” Here’s why:

33,33,24

Those aren’t the dimensions of his newest lady friend. They are the three worst finishes Kahne had at Chase tracks in 2008. In 2007, the three worst finishes were 40th, 32nd and 24th. In 2006, they were 38th, 38th and 33rd. You don’t have to win every race. You do have to not suck every race. A few poor finishes = no title.

RICHARD PETTY MOTORSPORTS IS IN AN AWKWARD SPOTIf you dumped your girlfriend for Megan Fox, would your ex bail you out of jail and pay your legal bills? Would she invest in your new business? Would she feed your dog if you went to the race this weekend?

Dodge is having real issues, enough that RPM dumped it for Ford. It’s fair to think Dodge will pour whatever extra resources it has into Penske Racing because it’s the only hope it has for surviving in the sport. Plus, there are so many distractions with management and structure at RPM that Kahne’s title run is taking place under a circus tent, the kind where the elephant gets loose.

WOMEN LIKE HIMWe get it. Kasey Kahne is cute and ladies want to treat him like a teddy bear. But NASCAR is American. And men like to sit around a television and do manly things when it’s race day like hang out with the dog, drink Budweiser and knit (OK, maybe just me.) If Kahne wins the Chase, women will want to watch races with men. Nobody stands in the way of my weekend. It’s un-American and just won’t happen.

Three down. Nine to go. Nobody is winning the 2009 Chase. Especially not Kasey Kahne.