Nothing’s More Tragic than a Single Girl

On Friday I had an orthodontist appointment and, as anybody who’s ever had metal in their mouth can relate to, it wasn’t particularly enjoyable. I’ve always dreaded orthodontist appointments. And it’s not even about the often painful tightening of my retainer – it’s my orthodontist.

I hate him.

He’s said so many ridiculous things to me (example: after almost breaking my retainer, “It’s a good thing I didn’t break it, because I never would have admitted to that! Aha!”) and doesn’t treat the nurses (that usually do the work) as equals. Overall, he’s a disgusting person, with a fondness for asking me about boys in my life, ESPECIALLY the appointment right before Valentine’s Day. However, Friday’s appointment was way after Valentines Day, yet…

Him: PHOEBEEE!

Me: Hi.

Him: (immediately) How was your Valentine’s Day?

Me: Eh… It was fine. I kind of forgot it was Valentine’s Day.

Him: (shocked, as if this is the saddest thing he’s ever heard) WHAT? DID YOU NOT GET ANY CANDY OR CARDS?

Me: Sure, I had some with my friends…

Him: (suggestively) What about Bobby Beautiful? Carl Cute?

Me: Uh… nope.

Him: (suddenly really sympathetic and gentle) Oh, well… Well, don’t worry about that. Boys are dumb! You gotta get them a card FIRST, then they’ll give you one. That’s what you gotta do, otherwise you’ll just end up cardless!

Me: It’s okay. I’m not really a big fan of Valentine’s Day.

Him: But that doesn’t mean the boys in your life aren’t! You listen to my advice, you’ll get one next year! Don’t worry!

The message from this, you ask? Single straight girls are tragic and in need of your comfort, boys! But, don’t make the first move, guys! (You’re dumb, remember? Wait for her.)

His, “Otherwise you’ll end up cardless,” sounded entirely too ominous for me to not put it in bold. You should have seen his face towards the end of this exchange – it was painful how sympathetic he was trying to be. He seemed to half-expect me to cry any minute for not receiving a Hallmark card. Even though I know he was just trying to be nice, he came off as really condescending.

But there was nothing I could have said to him differently… Was there?

Although this asshole may have a Dr. in front of his name, he is still a guy who straightens teeth for a living. I mean, you can train a monkey to do that job, except the monkey wouldn’t cop an attitude or insist on trading in his late model convertible sedan every year. The only worthwhile statement he makes on any given day is “spit”. Don’t empower him by mistaking absolute moronic buffoonery for misguided but thoughtful sexism.