This week Game of Thrones takes an... erotic... departure from the novel and we learn about the sexual proclivities of self-appointed king Renly Baratheon. And we learn them graphically.

Caution: There are so many spoilers coming your way.

We begin north of the Wall. Craster has beat up Jon Snow for trying to help Gilly with her baby. Snow defends his actions to Mormont, saying that Craster sacrifices all of his babies to the woods, which is unacceptable to a man raised as a Stark. Mormont is less aghast at this practice and basically tells Jon that that's just the way wildlings do things. Jon is understandably upset by the fact that Mormont not only knows, but is also not terribly concerned about it. They also briefly reflect on the zombie problem. Meanwhile, Sam gives Gilly a thimble for, I don't know, strength or something. It was a gift to him from his mother, since she loved him even though his father didn't, so I suppose it's symbolic.

Hodor! Hodor! In Winterfell, Bran is wargging out. It's like wigging out except you're in the body of your pet direwolf (I still want one). Bran watches himself sleep through Summer's eyes, and I reflect on the fact that the CGI wolf is kind of adorable. Bran asks his Maester about the warg dreams, and Luwin tells him that magic isn't real, because he hasn't met Melisandre. He says Bran is being a child and must learn to act like a grown-up.

Over at what I assume is Storm's End, there are some knights fighting. Renly in his gold swag antler crown and Margery in her unnecessarily low-cut dress are watching. Seriously, they're on the ocean, it's obviously cold. Ser Loras gets his ass handed to him by the knight he is fighting, who is a girl as it turns out, much to the dismay of everyone. As a reward for winning, Brienne asks to be named to Renly's rainbow kingsguard (seriously, he's not even trying to feign heterosexuality). He allows it. Meanwhile Lady Catelyn enters the scene and asks Renly what exactly he thinks he's doing and how he means to claim the crown. She also defends her son's war, which is for obvious reasons a tad uncomfortable for everyone. She claims Renly isn't treating the whole "ruling" thing very seriously, and we get another literal "game of thrones" reference.

Over in the Iron Islands, Theon yells at his sister for tricking him into being a creepy incestuous jerk. So many incest vibes. (Yeah, it's going to get worse by the way.) Meanwhile Balon explains his plans for world domination, and continues to emasculate his son. Theon struggles to decide whether to continue supporting the Starks and his good friend Robb or to be loyal to the krakens.

It's Tyrion time! In King's Landing, Tyrion is trying to figure out what to do with his lovely Shae. She isn't terribly keen on the idea of working in the kitchens. I guess she knows her strengths.

Meanwhile Sansa is awkwardly eating dinner with the Lannisters sans Joffery. Myrcella brings up the impending wedding, which Sansa is no longer looking forward to. Tommen asks if Joff will kill Robb and Cercei, being the comforting beacon of warmth that she is, says maybe and asks how Tommen feels about that. To his credit, he does not seem very fond of the idea. The whole time Sansa looks incredibly depressed. When she retires to her room she is greeted by Shae, who is her new handmaid. Shae is also not very good at handmaiding, as Sansa so kindly points out.

Elsewhere, Tyrion is a-plotting. In an awesomely directed scene, he tells each member of the council his plans to marry Myrcella- only each member hears a different potential mate. Maester Pycell is told she will be sent to Dorne, Varys is told Theon Greyjoy, and Littlefinger is told Robert Arryn. Tyrion has pretty valid reasons for each of these choices, so each man believes him. Littlefinger in particular is eager to help the arrangement, as he is promised Harrenhall and a proper lordship. To each Tyrion emphasises that they must not yet tell the queen.

Returning to Storm's End, we find Loras and Renly having some sexy times in the king's chamber. However, Loras isn't feeling so friendly right now, as he's still peeved with Renly about appointing Brienne to the rainbow guard. He also points out that people are whispering about Renly's sexual preferences. Soon after, Margery (who, as a reminder, is wife to Renly and sister to Loras) shows up, in an even lower-cut dress than earlier. To save us all the trouble of imagining her boobs, she removes the top half of her dress entirely. Renly is not as into the scene as you might expect. When he can't get into her (literally and figuratively), she offers to have Loras come start him off. So... yeah, incest threesome I guess. This scene isn't in the book by the way. Anyway, all in all, Margery seems okay with the fact that her husband is into guys, but points out that it would be strategic of him to knock her up. He agrees, but isn't ready quite yet. I have to hand it to her; she's a clever one. And of course thanks to HBO for flaunting what the cable networks can't show. I think by the end of the series everyone will be naked for the entire episode.

We take a quick trip back to King's Landing, where Cercei is yelling at Tyrion about sending Myrcella to Dorne. It seems he has upset the mama bear. He makes a valid point that Myrcella is safer in Dorne anyway if the war gets to King's Landing.

Back in the redneck boondocks of Westeros, Theon's daddy issues win out, and he's babtised in the sea, so he may join in the crusade to be mounted against the seven kingdoms. Since the Greyjoys are boat people who live on some crappy islands, I'm not sure they've thought this through.

Again in King's Landing, Petyr Baelish is upset about Tyrion lying to him about the Harrenhall thing. Tyrion isn't terribly apologetic, but asks for his help getting Jaime back, promising that this time he is relatively sincere in his need for help and the potential rewards to go with. Bronn interrupts, saying they've found Pycell, who is with one of his whores. Should I be saying prostitutes? "Whores" sounds so degrading, but that's the only word they use. Anyway, Bronn and Shagga threaten Pycell a bit, cut off his beard, and throw him in the dungeons. Unfortunately there is no feeding of the manhood to the goats. Tyrion pays the whore for her trouble. He goes to Varys and they converse in a scene we've already watched in the season two previews, but it's just as awesome. Also Varys is creepy

Somewhere on the kingsroad Arya Stark is travelling along with the other people being brought to the Wall by Yoren. She can't sleep, and asks him how he does so after the things he's seen. Instead of comforting her, he tells her a brutal story of his brother's murder that he witnessed. Not sure how that helped. An alarm is sounded- more of the Lannister men have caught up with the group now. They run down Yoren and most of them men along with him. Arya frees the terrifying criminals in their cage before they burn, which will be relevant later. Also since there aren't any more men to defend them, the Lannister men take the boys (and Arya) hostage. One boy is lying on the ground with an arrow in the knee (insert tired Skyrim joke here) and asks to be carried instead. He is stabbed in the throat. The guards call out for Gendry, and Arya tells them they've just stabbed him. The real Gendry stands next to her, failing at being inconspicuous because he's about a foot taller than everyone else.

Another sexcellent episode of Game of Thrones concludes. The kings are moving into place for battle while Tyrion tries to control the minds and loyalties of the small council. Next week I believe we will be seeing the fruits of Stannis and Mellisandre's labour (somewhat literally) and also possibly catching up with our dragon queen.

Written or Contributed by: DrImprobable

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About the Author - DrImprobable

Before you ask, no, Dr. Improbable is not that kind of doctor, and will not be diagnosing your genital warts today. Seriously, put it away. The doc does more of the "mad science" brand of doctoring, though one day hopes to be that "time and space traveling" kind of doctor. In the meantime, Doc passes time cloning things, memorizing acronyms, and using large magnets. When not plotting all the terrible ways to destroy the human race (particularly those found on public transportation), the doc kills time by watching television and making sarcastic commentary on it.