Shari Randall's"Pets" will be included in Chesapeake Crimes: Fur, Feathers, and Felonies anthology, which will be published in 2018. In the same anthology "Rasputin," KM Rockwood'sshort story, will also bepublished. Her short story "Goldie" will be published in the Busted anthology, which will be released by Level Best Books on April 25th.

Shari Randall's second Lobster Shack Mystery, Against the Claw, will be available in August, 2018.

In addition, our prolific KMhas had the following shorts published as well: "Making Tracks" in Passport to Murder, Bouchercon anthology, October 2017 and "Turkey Underfoot," appears in the anthology The Killer Wore Cranberry: A Fifth Course of Chaos.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

I'd Rather Have Bacon...

Bacon, sausage, fruit...
but please, no craft vendors

I have been watching for local maple
sugaring demonstrations, since I might want to use some aspects in my next
book. When I found an article about two nearby festivals, I read them
carefully. I’m not sure, though, that I’m all that interested in the pancake
breakfasts they sell.

“What
better way to celebrate winter than hot-off-the-griddle pancakes smothered in
fresh, warm maple syrup partnered with local crafts vendors.”

I found that to be a bit disconcerting.
Even if the craft vendors are well done, I think I’d rather have bacon with my
pancakes.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s just
careless use of the language, or if I’m missing something here.

In the same local publication, I ran
across a report of a pedestrian accident.

“(She)
was not seriously injured when she was struck by a car walking along the edge
of the road.”

If a car is walking along the edge of a
road, does it count as a pedestrian, too, or does it remain a vehicle whose
operator has “failed to exercise due caution with a pedestrian in the roadway?”

Then I came to an advertisement for an
evening featuring “Girl Scout cookies
and wine pairings.”

I used to be a Girl Scout, but I don’t
remember any wine pairings with the cookies.

There’s the advertising on a package of
garlic bread I bought. It helpfully instructs, “Pull apart with real

Real garlic?

garlic.”

I’m not sure exactly how one uses
garlic to pull anything apart. And if I do get that figured out, would it really
hurt if I pulled it apart with fake garlic or
garlic powder?

And the package of raisins that says, “Why not try tossing over your favorite
breakfast cereal?” It doesn’t specify whether it’s in the context of
“tossing your lunch” or what.

Don’t forget the packaging that has “Do not turn upside down” printed on
the bottom.

Or peanuts. One package carries the
warning, “Warning-contains peanuts.”
Well duh. Another actually has instructions: “Open package. Eat nuts.”

While foods account for many of these
strange sayings, other products can have equaling puzzling messages. A small
slow cooker stated it was “Suitable for
two people or a 2 lb. roast.” Versatile cooker, that must be, since cooking
two people would need considerably more room than a 2 lb. roast.

There’s also the security envelopes, that
advertise, “Can’t see in; can’t see
out.” Handy if you don’t want those little people you’re mailing to be able
to see where they’re going.

The medical profession has its share of
interesting happenings. “The patient lives at home with his mother, father and
pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.”

Is this a good outcome,
and if so, why did the pediatrician cry?
“The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the
pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.”

A newspaper notice from 100 years ago: “Boyle’s Brothers of the Emmitsburg Grain
Elevator Co. have installed a 10 HP Westinghouse electric motor and are
positioned to do grinding of all clients at short notice.” I do wonder how
finely the clients are ground.

They haven't cast off clothes yet.

But my all-time favorite, which I may
have mentioned here before, is: “The ladies of the church auxiliary have
cast off clothing of all sorts in the basement, and are available for viewing
Mondays and Saturdays from 10 AM to 4 PM.”

If I need a break, I can always sign up
for the “Prayer and Fast Retreat. All
meals provided.”

This is so funny. I loved reading it again. I can't think of anything that I've heard recently or even remember the weird things I've read in the past, many times in the newspaper. Thanks for sharing these.

E.B, that never occurred to me. Around here, apostrophes seem to be used or omitted randomly. If they are very expensive to put in signs, that might explain things. Or thing's. And sign's. And apostrophe's.