I know this isn't normal, and please no one tell me to find someone I trust to tell these things to or so seek therapy, because I refuse to do either.

Actually talking to yourself IS normal. It's not something that most people do but there is nothing wrong with it. Talking to oneself is fairly common among intelligent and / or shy people. I don't think you need therapy about that but it does sound like you have some issues with trust and self confidence that you need to address, I don't necessarily think that you need to see a conselor about those issues but I think they should be something that you work on. One thing that I seem to be posting a lot lately as a suggestion is to get involved with a local service project. They're seriously about the best thing that you can do to build self esteem, confidence and social skills. It's hard not to feel good about yourself when you're doing something selfless for someone else. It helps you to build confidence as you see your efforts having an effect on others. It helps your social skills as you work together as a team to accomplish a goal, there is an almost instant comradery among those involved in service together. The proverbial ice is already broken and you don't have to try as hard to start up a conversation with anyone as you already have something in common to discuss.