Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down. And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there. I'll tell ya how I became the prince of a town called Bel-Air.

What I’m doing with my life

Trying to figure out what it is that I want in the end.

I’m really good at

Falling down, pissing in public, walkin like I'm stuck in velvet snow, throwing up, internetting, neat stuff you wish you could do but can't.

I can show you how to do-si-do. I can show you how to scratch a record. I can take apart the remote control, and I can almost put it back together. I can tie a knot in a cherry stem. I can tell you about Leif Ericson. I know all the words to "De Colores" and "I'm Proud to be an American." Me and my friend saw a platypus. Me and my friend made a comic book. And guess how long it took? I can do anything that I want.

The first things people usually notice about me

People usually think I'm autistic because eye contact with strangers freaks me out. I'm also pretty much socially retarded. Once/if they get over that, they realize I have ginormous buggy eyeballs and usually comment on how amazing my makeup is, because it really is.

Also, it has recently come to my attention that I have prominent wrist bones that, upon touching, implant in your mind the desire to snap my wrists. Please don't snap my wrists.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

For the first time in 4 years, I am going to attempt to actually fill out this section. If it comes to an abrupt halt, it's just because my head exploded.

Books. I love books. I have a bad habit of buying beat up, old books, just because the thought of where they've been and the things they've seen astounds me. And the smell, of course. As for reading, I'm mostly in the non-fiction crowd. I love reading biographies, then autobiographies, just to see the difference between the biographer(s) and the actual mind and thoughts of the person they are so knowledgeable of. I have a serious, serious thing for Hitler related writings. Probably borderline unhealthy.

Movies? Whatever, I have narcolepsy and fall asleep during most of them anyway. But Cry Baby will always have a place in my heart. One day I will be Queen of the Jukebox Jamboree.

Shows. This is where my head explo-

The six things I could never do without

In no particular order:*history*tits*beer kisses*watercolors*cigarettes*ideas*butts*good conversation*pokemon*free internet*bow ties (they're cool)*Hitler*toilet paper*personality disorders*employee discounts*Netflix*chocolate milk*charm*drain cleaner*Capri Sun drawer*screwdrivers*adderall*socksOh, that was more than six? Call the cops, I don't give a fuck.

I spend a lot of time thinking about

Why my thoughts have a British accent lately, all the things I would stick my dick in if I had one, why Bob Ross won't return any of my emails. And of course, the undeniable link between schizophrenia and religion.

On a typical Friday night I am

Cruisin down the street in my six-foh. Jockin the bitches, slappin the hos.

After that, hangin out with my best friend in the ghetto while she works so she's not lonely. Yes, I'm that nice. And no, she's not a prostitute.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

I'm old enough to bleed, I'm old enough to breed, I'm old enough to crack a brick in your teeth while you sleep.

I was gonna share about the time I was raped in the ass by a dude raging on meth, but I felt like that might be a little too private so I deleted it. Wait.........

Okcupid told me that there are no more questions for me to answer....

I answered all of the questions on Okcupid....

All of the questions....

All of them.

You should message me if

Your asshole to nice guy ratio is 2:1, if you're not Bret Michaels, if you remember Big Bad Beetleborgs, and if your mode of transportation is bigger on the inside. And if you'd like to let me bum a smoke or two.