After all this time together, his raging, evil, twisted, latent monster surfaced and left me in total shock! Talking about it to anyone will only make my nightmare worse if he finds out, so I am venting here, anonymously. I have to have somewhere to let it out. I now know he is a narcissist, but what else? bipolar? schizoid? psychotic? schizophrenic? some other mental disorder? I hope someone can help me answer this and find a way to get me out of here!.

Saturday, December 31, 2016

Sick Again and a Gun

I got sick as I started to go to bed last night (actually, about 3am). This is my second bug (virus) in a week. My resistance seems to be unbelievably low right now. I am not getting to go anywhere, yet I am still catching everything. One my way out to the tent last night, I started getting really dizzy and queasy. I got things in order around the tent, the dogs settled in for the night, and started to go to bed myself. The dizziness grew until I was about to pass out and the queasiness was horrible.

I finally made it into the bed and tried to lay down. Every time I tried to lay down, I got so dizzy I felt myself passing out and sat up quickly. How I kept from vomiting, I have no idea. The urge was ultra strong. I sat totally still, bundled up in blankets and snuggled up to my hot water bottle. I kind of made another little tent over me with blankets and the hot water bottle in the center.

Finally, little by little, I was able to lay down and rest a little. I snoozed off and on through the night, so I am very tired today. I am still queasy, only slightly dizzy, more congested than usual, and chilling like I am running a fever. Pretty positive I am running a fever.

T L Ogre came in the tent after he got his chores done, around 9:30. (I have no idea how long he had been up), but I thought I had heard him go into the old house to use the computer about an hour after I headed for bed.) He had a big frown on his face because I was still in bed. I struggled to get up and told him that I had been really sick all night. He said in a gruff voice of a stranger that didn't know you, "I'm sorry to hear that." then "Are you ready to feed the dogs? I need to get up in the woods this morning." Not an ... are you okay? or .... What was wrong? Just an "Oh, well" attitude.

We got the dogs fed and he was cross and snappy the whole time, not as bad as usual of late, but still cross and snappy at every little thing. After we got the dogs fed, T L Ogre came back to the tent and just stood in front of the tent for several minutes with an hateful, pondering look on his face. Finally, he lifted his head up and said that he was going to get his gun (pistol) out of the tent and take it on in the house. And then, the verbal beating and story concocting began......

Everything he said started with, You, You, You, You, You.... You are always to blame. "For some reason you don't like that gun in there. For some reason you are uncomfortable with that gun in there and I have no idea why. He then went on to hatefully argue all the good reasons why we needed a loaded gun close by when we sleep. Hateful and guns do not go together in my book. Biggest reason I was uncomfortable with it in there, he has grown more and more full of hate since the gun was put in there, and he often acts quickly before he thinks. So YES, I was uncomfortable with that big, loaded pistol in there.

He went on and on and on criticizing me for being nervous about having a loaded gun in the tent. Then ... he compared guns to the dogs!!! Like a little child he whined, "You have all of these dogs in here. (I had those dogs when I moved, and the yard they are in was built for them) Dogs are just like a loaded gun, only you can't control when their trigger might go off. Dogs go off and "shoot" whenever they want, you can't control that. At any moment, just because they want to, a dog can pull his own trigger. They stay loaded all the time. And you might not be able to stop them. A dog is MUCH more dangerous than a gun!

For crying out loud! The man that is obsessed with guns, knives and other types of weapons, is whining that he is scared of dogs! Not just my dogs, all dogs! He can't get that if you are nice to a dog, if you never provoke a dog, it isn't going to "shoot" you. It will be loyal to you. But this isn't what this is all really about.

What actually is happening (in my opinion) is that he is creating his scenario, his 'story' if you will. He knows that I don't want to be here anymore, he knows that I am trying to find a way to leave, and he may be building up to kick me out (I strongly suspect that will happen any day, now). Before any of that happens, he needs to have a "story" ready to tell people, a story that will make me look like the monster. I have noticed that for about the past week he has been working on concocting this story. He can't possibly look bad. He has to create something that will make me look bad and him the victim. I see now that he has done this with his past wives. The "story" he told about each one of them that left always left me with questions. The stories didn't quite make sense. They now make sense, and I can clearly see that they, too, were the victims. They nearly all left in anger and extreme spite. I can now read in between the lines of every story that he told about every one of them. Now I see that all these senseless things that he is saying to me, about me, my critters, my belongings, all the untrue and ridiculous things he has said to berate me and confuse me, are to create that "story" he will tell when I leave, the one where he is once again the victim, where he just keeps picking women that turn out to be all alike, a man user that is crazy and he has no idea why they went nuts and left with so much spite. He is running scared now, scared that he will look bad to his family and handful of friends because another one left, because he can't hold a relationship. He wants to make sure he makes me out to be the villain and destroys me if I leave, destroys me FOR leaving. That is how I see it. It makes all the senseless make sense.