A Skunk with feathers? Danged right...thoughts and musings of just such a skunk, one that learned how to type, conjugate verbiage and communicate thought processes easier than lifting the tail to scatter the opposition. It doesn't always work with 419 email scammers or the pathetically politically correct (which readers will find I ain't). For them, the tail gets lifted, and they get sprayed. *DISCLAIMER*: sometimes, it doesn't pay to drink or eat while reading this h'yar. Just sayin'...

Saturday, January 26, 2013

The Camel Mile

It's one that I seriously doubt Dr. Abu Salam will ever again consider walking, after experiencing one of my edits of his scam email.

Oh, it started out simply enough: another 'banker' from Burkina Faso, having found untapped millions in his branch of the Bank of Africa, wanted my "confidential and secret" help to exploit.

At my expense, of course.

Well, with a name like "Abu Salam", I dipped into the "off-the-wall" corner of my editing files, and came up with something that the good doctor will never forget...if he was ever able to understand it in the first place:

I know that this message will come to you as a surprise; and you think to yourself, "wait, it's not my birthday or anything like that!". Well, Ferretlips, it ain't that kind of surprise.

I am Dr.Abu Salam. I go by Abu. My friends call me 'Gesundheit'. They are such smart asses.

I run a camel rebushing business here in Burkina Faso, the capital city of Ouagadougou, which next to nobody can pronounce without spitting.

I hoped that you will not expose yourself to my camels. They are so impressionable. I need your urgent assistance in shipping to me 10,000 rebushed camel assholes. I have many contracts to refush camels across the Middle East, and those perverts that use camels instead of women, well....they just wear out camels at an astonishing rate. My business is almost overwhelming.

I don't want the rebushed camel butts to go via the various Custom Houses in the Middle East; they won't arrive to me virgin if left to middlemen of the middle east. See what I just did there? It's nothing compared to what they'll do there. Ask any camel you happen to see...how'd you get rebushed, Abu Salam, that's meeee....I use that in my ads locally here on Al Gezeera. Pretty catchy, eh?

Please I would like you to keep this proposal as a top secret and delete it if you are not upon receipt of your reply; certain islamists hereabouts will hijack my rebushed camel butts and violate them so that I have to start all over again. This makes not good business, you see.

Finally send your photo or your international passports for more identification.

Best Regards,Dr.Abu Salam

Abu Salam's Camel Rebushing, Inc.

"We'll Put New Ommph In Your Camel's Toosh -- Guaranteed!"

The 100 or so recipients of the edit were not moved by the eloquence or snappy advertising jingle. Initially, neither was Dr. Salam, who apparently didn't read a word of what I dun to his email, Ma:

you not say if interest in my proposal. if yes please to send me your photo or international passports please.

So I gave him a second chance:

If you read carefully and note the contents therein well, you will have your answer asto my interest in your proposal. You do that and THEN ask me for a photo and we'll see.

It took a couple days, but he -- or his handlers -- finally read what I dun to his email, Ma:

blasphemy. do not writed again.

What a pity. I had such a good photo all set to send him. In fact, it was soooo good, I went ahead and sent it anyway:

Since you wanted a photo of me, the least I can do is send you one. Whaddaya think? Am I blasphemous enough?

I will apparently never know if I was blasphemous enough. But I think maybe so ;-)