It’s universal: to find and keep love, we must give signals our desired gender of partner is looking for. Fortunately, those signals look remarkably similar the world over and can be learned. Unfortunately, if you’re relying on advice and info from media, friends, culture, and family, you’re probably being taught and told to do stuff that actually gets in the way of effective signal-sending—hurting rather than helping your chances.

But science has come to the rescue. For instance, have you been taught to think men and women are just alike, genitals aside? Or that any differences we have must be based on upbringing and culture? Be prepared to be buried under reams of examples from science showing otherwise. Yes, we’re equally intelligent and talented, and we mostly want the same things. But where there are differences in mating desires, these distinctions are worldwide, large, and hugely important, for anyone looking for love. Our thoughts evolved right along with our physical features, and men and women have evolved startlingly distinct psychologies when it comes to mating.

When it comes to understanding the mating mind, Dr. David Buss’ The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating is must-read stuff. The first edition was rated a “drop-dead shocker” by the Washington Post Book World, with good reason: it will forever change the way you view men, women, what we want and need from one another—and why.