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OK, OK. I started it this time. It's very, very icey cold here. I'm really hoping that when the weather starts getting warmer, it doesn't rain for three days like they're predicting. With all the snow we have (20+ inches) that will be awful. Oh well, can't stress about the future.

Afraid, you made the right decision to get that guy out of your life. Even though you are hurting like hell right now, time will make it feel all better. And if the therapist you have isn't working for you, check around. Have you been in contact with your ASO?

Cin, I have PN that I take Neurontin for-have for years. The PN started back in the early 90's after I was megadosed on AZT. It just got progressively worse over the years, especially when I became diabetic. I hope you get it checked out.

Queen, yeah, it looks like the ball's in your court as far as calling that place you were talking about. I hope Rico can make it there.

OK ladies, I started it. Now continue it!

« Last Edit: January 03, 2008, 07:17:43 AM by Bettytacy »

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Bett- Nice job on the title, and we definitely were in need of a new thread.

We texted back and forth last night but nothing earth shattering. He was going through some emotional stuff I figured out pretty quickly. Not verbally, sometimes you just get a vibe of what someone is feeling with needing to convey it with words.

We emailed back and forth all day today and we discussed things about us. I basically said you don't need to make this relationship we have complicated. We are friends and will continue to be friends for a long time. I defined it as everything that we do when we're together without the romance. I felt it necessary to create boundaries. The whole thing is really new to me. I'm very open about what i'm feeling where in the past I would hold things in and it just created confusion and ambiguity. I'm learning a lot from this whole experience and understanding that I'm a lot stronger, by the grace of God, than what I originally thought. I was feeling very fragile at times. I also added that he has to stop feeling sorry for himself (the divorce) and get over it already. Its time to move on. And he was overjoyed by getting a wake up call and was in agreement with needing to live life now. He tended to go into the past a lot and get anchored by past actions.

Today I found out where our office is moving to and its not only an hour away but its a block away from my soon to be ex husband. I emailed him and he suggested we car pool. I was happy to hear that because my suv sucks up my purse, where as, his civic is great on mileage. Its funny that we seem to get along better now as friends. Right now friends are a huge blessing and I seem to have them everywhere.

I even heard from my darling dear Jack, the alcoholic, which surprised me. And Not by email...by the phone what a concept. He called to tell me that he's been sober for sometime now which I congratulated him profusely.I asked when did he have his last drink? He replied, "yesterday, but only one pint and I was walking and I was cold and I wanted to just get out of the house and I was breathing and pooping and and and".........an excuse for every one. Then I asked, "and before that?" He replied, "well new years of course". I see and before that? "ohhh no, not for at least two weeks, but I know I've really kicked it this time. Oh and none tonight".Very good Jack, very good.

I heard a lot of "I need to see you, we can start over, fresh, I'm a new person." I just kind of shook my head, my goodness, two years with this person. Then it ended a bit abruptly from my end due to the cat fight which erupted out in the hallway. "oh oh, cats fighting got to go now, we'll do lunch sometime bah bye".

Afraid- from the other post you definitely did the right thing. You may feel awful, but you should be proud because it took a lot of courage to do what you did. My mother gave me this advice when I was experiencing an unrequited love of sorts. I said "I've tried and tried for him to love me, why can't he, it hurts so much" and she said, "Sweets, let me tell ya, you can try as hard as you want for someone to love you but you can't change a person. Try directing your love and attention towards those in your life that do love you." It wasn't a life changing, light bulb going off kind of thing, but rather sound advice. It made it easier to accept the things I can't change and adapt.I give you a big hug tonight.

You all have been so great, listening to me vent..I truly appreciate it. I am numb right now, and hoping that I stay this way. I am proud of myself because normally when I am hurting or when I am going through something I sedate myself, with xanax or ambiem, but I didn't do that today. I am going to try and approach this a different way. So I put on my Yolanda Adams Cd, and listened to her song called the battle is not yours...Wow! that struck a nerve..it has me thinking about things that's really important like my health and my future, that I have been so unconcerned with because I have been so consumed with this man..

My friend asked me today when she and I spoke, do I love myself, and honestly that's a good question..I haven't really thought about that since my dx..I was highly disappointed in myself, even though me contracting this disease wasn't my fault.I am just going to put my faith in God and hope that he restores my faith in myself...

"A REAL WOMAN DOESNT COUNT HOW MANY TIMES SHE FALLS..SHE JUST KNOWS TO GET BACK UP. YOUR PAST WAS LEARNING, YOUR PRESENT DEFINES YOUR FUTURE, PERFECTION IS FALSE,AND ONLY YOU CAN MAKE OR BRAKE YOURSELF.THOSE THAT TALK FEAR YOU AND KNOW YOUR GREATNESS!"

tendai

compliments of the New Year to u all! and all the best for 2008. sure missed u.i spent my Christmas with my family, my mum, aunt, cousins, sisters etc. basically just a bunch of women making noise and eating as much as possible. at least the shops were a bit stocked so we didnt exactly starve but the banks situation was terrible. u'd queue for hours and hours just to get a tiny bit of cash that wont buy much. anyway we all pooled resources and it wasnt so bad.

Afraid - i'm glad u got that no good man out of your life. sounded like negative energy to me, real toxic relationship. i hope u'll be back on your feet and up and at them soon. hang in there girl.

Camms - sorry spencer didnt work out. i guess he just needs to work things out in his head and sort things out. but im glad u;re not suspending your life or anything waiting for him.

Queen - i hope Rico can get to his mum's funeral. over here when someone dies and the relatives abroad cant come home for some reason, the people here usually take a video of the funeral and send it to them, same for weddings and graduations etc. i know its not the same as actually being there but its something.

Betty - i most certainly do not envy you with all that snow girl. i guess u have to be born in such a climate to stand it year after year...

Cindy - good to hear u and Iceman still acting like lovestruck teenagers!

On my side my stalker has turned out to be something else. Apparently he was with an ex of mine when we bumped into each other in town and the ex asked for my number and he memorised it when i was telling the ex. So he started calling me and we would talk and talk for hours on end or until the network dropped the call or something. Went on for about a week, he calling me morning noon and night. He sounded quite nice, i mean his voice and all. we met up in town after Christmas and spent the day together and it was really nice.i had disclosed to him over the phone during one of our conversations and he didnt believe me at first. So i told him i was going to the lab in january for my cd4 count and invited him to go with me so he can see for himself and he said fine. as if.anyway he wasnt freaked out by my status coz he kept on calling and we kept meeting and all. he's not a strnager to the disease as both his parents are on arvs. he is neg himself or sio he claims. he sounds serious about this relationship, almost too serious. talking about having babies and settling down already. i kind of wonder why and i'm not lettting myself fall in love with him until i'm 100% convinced abut him.

It's only 2 degrees outside here! Egads, I hope it warms up when I have to go out today.

Camms, funny story about Jack. Funny how alcoholics always have a million excuses as to why they're drinking. I know I did. Even when I was on all that medication the last time I was strung out, I always had a reason for taking it all. I think the real reason I continued it for so long was because I didn't want to go through the withdrawals. (Which, by the way, was like being in hell). I'm glad you're setting boundaries with Spencer. You're not letting him think he runs the whole show and that's awesome. It takes a lot of courage.

Afraid, good for you for sticking to your guns. And good for you for not numbing out. That definitely does not work. The problems are always there when you're done numbing. Wherever you are, there you are. Know what I mean?

Cin, I'll look forward to this weekend to catch up on what's going on with you.

Tendai, good to hear from you girl! It sounds like you really had a nice time on Christmas with your family. And this guy you're seeing and you being cautious, I don't blame you. At least he's not all freaked out about the HIV. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

I looked outside last night, about 8:30, and my car was covered again with snow. But it was too cold to go out at that time. Of course, with it only being 2 degrees today, makes me kinda wish I had gone to the library yesterday to return the movies. *saying the Serenity Prayer*

Monday I have an appointment with my doctor to get a pap smear and to check out some things that have been going on with me. See, when I was 16 I was diagnosed with two faulty valves in my heart.(Probably due to my amphetamine abuse). I've never had them checked since then and for the past 4 or 5 months, it's been bothering me (my heart). So, I might see what he wants to do to check out the 'ol ticker and see what's going on with it. Also, every night, about 5 times a night, I get woke up with a severe cramp in my right leg/foot and it's always along the same path. My oldest sister thinks it may be related to my PN. It's bothersome at best.

Well, I hope all you ladies have a good one. Check back in later.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Hello Ladies. No snow here but temperatures are in the teens. Robert looked like that kid in The Christmas Story when I took him out to the bus.I can't put my arms down Gotta work today, a split shift. No big deal as long as I get to eat in between shifts. My 18 yo is going to Greensboro to stay the night with one of his friends. Not much changed there, his bags will be searched before he leaves. That really irritates me but he still is trying to steal from us and I am just really upset about it. I am tired of doing for him, or anyone else for that matter, and getting kicked in the face for my efforts. Tendai, be careful of that guy. He still sounds like a stalker to me but I hope you will be happy. Glad you and your family were able to enjoy a decent meal. Cam, sounds like the losers flock to you kinda like me. Just keep your head up and know YOU are valuable, not something to be used and discarded. Afraid, glad you cut that guy out of your life. My words to Cammie can apply to you as well. You are valuable, not something to be used and discarded . Betty, good title , hope you are inside and warm. We seem to post at the same time lately. Hope your heart problems and PN can be fixed. I am surprised I don't have heart trouble with all the cocaine I used to do. Have a great day ladies, I will check in tonight. Cristy

Cin - My ex is, lets just call him Max. Jack is the guy that I lived with after Max and I separated. Jack in my ground zero, he is my who reason for being here. Spencer called me really upset last night. He bought a ticket for his one daughter to see wicked (just the two of them) plus she's a great singer. I thought was a great gift. Last night he had dinner with his kids when he found out that the soon to be ex took them all to see Wicked out of spite. He calls her the warden fittingly. He said maybe I can swap out the tix for another show. I said, why don't I just give you money for the other ticket and we'll make a day of it. He said eff it, my treat. So I'm going to see Wicked and I'm sooo excited, just finished the book. As for the warden, I think I shall send her a Thank You card...LOL.

I just am not sure what his problem is because we had our discusson. I broke down in front of him and told him how I felt and what I was no longer going to expect, and that I needed time to myself..he said he understood but yet..He calls me last night, and me like a fool answers his call and he's like did you eat? I'm like yes..he's like well what did you eat and I was like I cooked so he's like can I come over..I'm like no you can't.

I just don't understand what his problem is..is he trying to f*ck with me on purpose? he know hoe bad this situation is bothering me and he still insists on bothering me instead of letting me go, being that he is not willing to be who I need him to be to me..why is he doing this to me?

I see we have all had our own bit of drama except for Cindy and Betty. Cam, I have no clue who Wicked is and what a name? What type of music is that? I have been in an old school kinda mood lately. I got Rick James on my phone----Give it to me, Baby for text messages and Cold Blooded for ring tone. And since I am still down one hearing aid I have the Geto Boys--- My Mind is Playing Tricks on Me for voicemail..... I swear I be hearing shit sometimes....

Well, Wishful disclosed to her man and her friend, if you haven't read the thread. I'm just glad things went smoothly for her there. So I am guessing she hasn't bounced to Florida...Yay!!! I'm glad to see she posted. I'm going to have to put an A.P.B on Ms. NY. I wish she would post soon. And where the hell is Em? I read somewhere she got her daughter, right? Can't compete with that but would love to hear how things are going.I'm missing Dragonette too.....I need a tissue and a hug, dammit.....

I finally can see again. I went to the eye doctor,got my eyes examined and ordered some contacts. I'm going with clear this year because I have astigmatisms in both eyes. Really bad in the right eye though. I wore colored contacts for so long, I forgot what color my eyes are....Pretty light brown...Then the doctor put those god forsaken drops in my eye to dilate my pupils. Thank the Goddess I didn't smoke anything before I left....

I am not sure what is going on with Rico. He called while I was at the eye doctor but I couldn't answer my phone. I think he is still going but he missed the funeral. I think he is going to spend time with his Dad. I've been getting updates from my gf.

I have been running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. I am tired. I haven't eaten yet so I need to think about that and will prolly take a nap later. But before I go...Afraid.....He is toying with you but acting like he is concerned now. Don't fall for it and stay strong. Most of all be true to yourself. You don't need him and him trying to pay you some attention now is neither required or desired. Fuck him and feed him beans!!!!

Almost forgot....Tendai....Your dude sounds like a stalker to me too. Be careful...

Before I start to rant queen you are too funny..I laughed so hard when I read.... I have the Geto Boys--- My Mind is Playing Tricks on Me for voicemail..... I swear I be hearing shit sometimes..

Anyway I guess that I'll be finding another pcp doctor..too..Maybe I am to sensitive when it comes to certain subjects, but he asked me if I wanted to have kids I said I sure do, and he said well don't you think that's risky? did you ever think about adoption? I said to him yeah but I rather have my child come through me..My eggs work just fine, I then stated to him that it's only like a 1-2% chance that the baby will become infected as long as I do what I need to do, and he was like well what about the 1-2 chance, I could have punched him in his face..I am so not feeling men today..

Queen, I know that he is trying to play on my emotions, and I refuse to let it happend this time..like you said I will stay focus. and yes he can eat beans, or go the the federal jail and share a meal with his woman..Oh and his mother calls me today, and she is like oh I just wanted to see how you were doing and I'm like I'm just fine, the she's like you know who wants to talk to you, and I was like I'm good. We have nothing to discuss...

this might be a little off subject but does anyone know anything about lexapro?

Afraid, this guy is just trying to get you to think that you need him-which you don't! Tell him to go to get a clue. Tell his mother to get a clue. You just hang tough.

OK, there's nothing going on here. I went out today to return a couple movies to the library. The roads aren't that bad; but they're not that good either. We're supposed to be done with the snow for now. Rain on the way. I can't believe it. We're going to have major flooding.

Now, there's something I must fess up to. The reason my doctor had me get the phenotype was because I went on a drug holiday (with my doc's approval). That's when my viral load went seering and my CD4s went plunging. Matty talked about doing that in a post from awhile ago. Anyway, my doctor got the phenotype results back and I'm going back on the Trizivir and Sustiva. Those are the two I was previously on and I didn't build any resistance to him. The lab sent me copies of the phenotype, but I don't know how to read it, so when I do see my doc Monday, I'm going to take it with me and have him explain it to me. So, back on the meds I go. Hey, does anyone else here have problems with their fingers crampping up real bad? I'm assuming it's PN. Either that or my circulation just plain sucks. Hmmmmm, could be the years of smoking/inactivity. I'm still smoke-free. I'm waiting for the heavy feeling in my chest to go away (like the one you get from smoking). A lady told me it takes awhile, but it will go away. Anyway, I hope all you ladies are doing alright.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

I am going to try and post, but I am ready to tip right over from exhaustion! I fasted this morning and had my blood drawn this morning. I see my PCP and ID docs the week after next, so I'll have new labs back by then.

So this morning I sleep in a little cause the lab doesn't open until 8am, and the hood is all quiet as I pull out of my court. The streets are quiet, the HS kids have been picked up by the school buses, and its too early for the ankle biters to catch their buses yet. I pull out onto the main drag through my neighborhood and accelerate up to 30mph in a 25mph zone, in my Liberty. Out of NOWHERE this little blue Toyota Carolla comes FLYING up and I see almost the entire front of the car in my driver's side mirror. This crazy cracker is looking to pass me! In the hood (lol, not really, but thats what I call it)! In a 25mph zone! I mean DUDE is all the way on the opposite side of the street and punching it.

Um, a Corolla has a 4-cylinder the last time I checked and my Liberty has a 6-cylinder. Oh, and NEW tires thanks to Iceman and my credit card. I got passed by a bunch of teenagers last year and followed them to the ice cream store while calling the cops on the driver. I yelled at her fat ass in front of everyone getting ice cream and embarrassed the shit out of her for putting her friends' lives at risk on a blind curve in the hood. Anyhow, I digress, but with that day from last year in my mind, what do I do in a split second this morning? I look ahead along the 1/4-mile between me and the stop sign where I need to turn, and.....

I punch the HELL outta that gas pedal while Little Corolla Bitch is trying to take me on the driver's side on a residential street. I know I shouldn't have done it, but the cunt (oops, scuze me, did I type that? ) pissed me off! Who drives Jeep Libertys these days? Mostly Moms, its like the new minivan, so I bet this cracker thought she could just zip on past me while I took my kids to school or something.

Not so.

I FLOORED it and then as we are approaching the stop sign she has her right turn signal on, like I'm gonna back off and get outta her way or something? I lay on the horn as she starts veering over to the right, I am practically hugging the curb and starting to brake for the stop. We get to the stop sign and there is traffic coming from our left that we have to wait for. I look down through her window, laughing at this STUPID bitch who is probably about 20 years old, and I mouth, "What's your problem?"

I sure don't think she expected the Liberty with the big yellow smiley face on the spare tire cover to give her a run for her money at 8am today.

Nuff said.

I got her tag a few miles down the road when I turned to go to the lab and she went past me. Very EASY tag for this numbers girl to remember, and a very PRETTY shade of blue on that Corolla.

It will certainly stand out the next time I see it. Mmmm hmmm. Bitch.

More soon when I post about Jabba the Hutt who keeps sitting at my desk at work! Stay tuned! I am on a roll and its not even a full moon! I am just sick and tired or STOOOOOPID people who disrespect me for no good reason.

My middle finger on my right hand will "curl" up overnight into my palm and I wake up looking like Spiderman waiting to shoot a new web!

I have to UNBEND my finger and it hurts very badly. I bite my tongue and support the finger so it doesn't pop back into place too quickly while I straighten it out, and hyperflex itself in the other direction. It was better yesterday morning for the first time in months, and I had had a bunch of water the night before. A friend told me to drink more water about a year ago when this started.

I am going to ask my doc about it in 2 weeks and see whats going on, its started to get double-jointed and stiff-like. Maybe its arthritis? I dunno, but it burns and it feels like there is no elasticity from the finger down through my palm and to the underside of my forearm. Like a ligament is too short or something!

After my race through the hood this morning, I really NEED that middle finger! LOL ************************************Forgot to add, yesterday, January 2nd, was 2 months for Iceman and I. Yippee!!!

Afraid: I was on Lexipro for about a year. I stopped when I was found out I was positive and got REAL sick. My therapist recommended it even though I was against it. I feel like people would rather take pills then deal with issues and emotions. My therapist and I had many discussions about it and she told me that the problem with medication is that people take it as a cure all and don't get any therapy. She said that in order for it to work the two have to go together. She recommended it for me just to get me "over the hump". Of course I was going to therapy too. I stopped taking it because I was so sick and taking all kinds of medication and I just thought it wouldn't help my "medical" condition. I am still in therapy and I can honestly say that the time I was on Lexipro did help. I don't know if that helped any. Let me know if you have any other questions.

Well Cin, with my middle fingers acting up and yours, we could really raise some hell! I get really angry at people when I'm out driving also who try to own the road (or parking lot or whatever). I'm trying to practice having patience and just ignoring assholes, but it sure is hard sometimes. Anyway, we pm'd about our fingers, and I'm going to talk to my doctor Monday when I see him about it being PN. Oh, congratulations on the two-month anniversary of you and Iceman!

Afraid, I forgot that you asked about Lexapro. I've never been on that one myself. Antidepressants are a hit and miss thing with people. Some will work for some people, but not for others. The only thing you can do is try it. I'm on an antidepressant and have been on one or another for a few years. Just don't rely on just that to help you feel better. Like Viv said, it's got to be a combination of that and therapy. I've had the same therapist since 1991 and I wouldn't trade him. I think antidepressants are good if there's something in your brain that's not firing right (the antidepressant can help it to work the way it should). But the only way you know that is to try. So, you might as well give it a shot. The worst that can happen is that it won't work; in which case all you have to do is stop it. And give yourself some time. Antidepressants normally take anywhere from 3-6 weeks before you see any benefit.

OK, so today I'm going to my father's to do his shopping. He's really doing pretty well nowadays. I don't know if he stopped taking his Xanax or if he's still taking it and his body just got used to it. He's feeling pretty spry, so I'm happy about that. Not really much else to report. I wonder how Drag's vacation is going. I can't wait until she gets back so we can hear all about it. I wonder if Em did get her daughter. If she did, I'm sure it's taking time to adjust. And I wonder what's happening with NY. Hmmmmm, I wish we would hear from her. I worry about her. OK, I'm sure I'll check in later. I hope all you ladies have a good one!

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

You guys, I am laughing my ass off over here. Wicked is a Broadway show based on the novel. It the story of Wicked Witch of the West and her point of view of things.

I went over to spencer's last night and he make me chicken with penne and vodka sauce. The sauce and penne were great but he ask how the chicken was....He stared at blatantly came out and said so dry I can't swallow it. OMG, I guess I left my manners at home but he at me blankly and started laughing and laughing. Then we watched Dexter, (it's not a new person) its a series on showtime. Things are going very well between the two of us.

Honestly, with how I am feeling today, I would want to give some people the finger, call them everything but the child of God/ddess and kick some ass!!!! My insurance company is getting on my last fucking nerves. Excuse the cussing but I am pissed. And there will be more of it, so if you have a problem with my profanity, move the fuck on.....Now for those still around, here's the scoop.....

Remeber how my left hearing aid died on me? The right one is now dead too. I noticed it when I was up at 7 am this morning. Rico had come over last night and is leaving out for Puerto Rico today if he hasn't already. I changed batteries but nothing, so I left a message for Ed again. By the time I woke back up, he had left me 2 messages. For some reason he is getting conflicting stories from my insurance company. One minute they say they will cover the cost of repair then the next is the won't. The cost of repair is 187 per hearing aid but they say they cover up to 1500 for hearing aids. SO WHAT IS THE FUCKING PROBLEM!!!! I try to have a plan B in most situations so I call my ASO. Laurie, the receptionist tells me my case manager isn't in. She only comes in twice a week. Gee, maybe she should quit and I can have her job!!!! I go on to explain the situation to her. She says in order to try to get help from them, I have to have a denial letter from the insurance company. She tells me to call the insurance company and find out what is going on. I do. I call member services and gets some named Cassie who acts like she is reading from a script. She in turn tells me that my ENT needs to call some 800 number and try to get approval.....WTF? What in the hell does the 1500 cover when it comes to hearing aids? You would think they wouldn't have a fucking problem paying for the repair which would cost them just under 500 bucks. Hello? Saving them some money here, not asking for a new pair, just fix the goddamn ones I have!!!!

The only reason I have not totally gone postal is because I have been puffing like Puff the Magic Dragon over here. It's bad enough I feel like a second class citizen for things already. I guess this is just something else to add to the list.....Thanks for letting me vent. I will be back later to comment on everyone's posts. I am just a little bit too pissed at the moment....

qUEEN: hEY MAMI..im with you what is the fucking problem??? Maybe you should talk to a asupervisor there but looking at the time you may have to wait til monday..dat some real live BS...i was getting mad just reading it..i feel for u chick..Good luck..Ill try n get on my friends computer tonight since i disclosed and dont have to hide anymore...Everyone have a great weekend

I havent had to to catch up so im not iggin my peeps..i just need to take some time out and read all before i dive in...

Queen~ I love your spirit, and I don't have a fucking problem with the fucking way you post shit around here!

I'm wondering if the insurance company covers up to a $1500 VALUE on hearing aids while YOUR cost is $187? I know, I can't stand it either when I call a place and know more than the peckerhead on the phone does.

They always tell you to say this: "May I speak with your supervisor?" I know you feel like you've tried everything, but you need someone who knows whats going on! Ugh!

And GF, what is up with sending me all those text messages that said "Go Cowboys"? You know I'm on a budget, lol! JK

I am going to group tonight, Iceman has his girls. He's been under a little stress lately with trying to get a new DR table for his place. He went to pick up the second one today since the first one was cracked, and on the way to the furniture store he gets a call. The second table that has come in is damaged too! He goes and drops off the first table and tells them that THEY are going to deliver the DR table to his house 50 miles away when it comes in. Some of the chairs were messed up, too. Its the damn freight forwarders throwing everything around. I would be livid at this point, but he has been patient, and being a Scorpio, he isn't afraid to speak his mind and kill them with kindness at the same time. Also, his ex is being a cunt about him seeing the girls more. He lives in the same town as them, and only gets them every other weekend, no weekdays or anything.

I have a good mind to go knock on her door and act like I'm selling newspapers or something......Grrrrrrrrr.

I have some good pics of Iceman and I from New Years. They turned out good!

I'll be posting a lot this weekend since I don't have Ice around.

More soon! Also, Camms how much vodka was in that dinner? Your post is all kinda funny, try reading it GF! LOL JK!

Queen, wow, what a hassle. I'm sorry you're having to go through all this shit just to be able to hear. Hang in there gf. I agree with talking to a supervisor.

Cin, how's your middle finger? I look forward to hearing more from you this weekend.

OK, so today I started back on HIV meds. I hope this will knock down my viral load so I can stop being so tired all the time. Well, my sinuses are bothering me also, but when aren't they? On the left side where the sinus was completely crushed it hurts all the time. Anyway, I went to my dad's today and did his shopping. He bought us lunch from Arby's, that's what he wanted. I went there after I did his shopping and picked it up. We had a nice conversation during lunch. I asked him if he would ever vote for a woman for president and he said "yeah, if she were smart enough."(Now, remember, my dad is 79, pretty set in his ways, so even saying that was like a big step). It was nice. Then this evening my best guy friend and I went out to eat at like a buffet place. I had a migraine when I came back from my dad's, so I slept for a couple hours before going out to eat. I was thinking about buying a crock pot because in "off topic" people are posting crock pot recipes and some of them really sound good. They have crock pots on sale at Kohl's this weekend, so I might have to venture over there. Meanwhile, I have to do laundry tomorrow and I want to get it done early because it's supposed to start raining tomorrow and rain through Tuesday at least. Flooding here we come! It's already slushy from the sun being out today. I can't imagine what it'll be like even by Sunday night. *singing row, row, row your boat*

Have a nice night ladies. Queen, I'm sending positive energy your way and a big {{{HUG}}}

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Queen I am not sure who your health care provider is however I work for Aetna, and I was reading your post, and I am a little lost of why they would say that they will cover it then recant there statement. I would suggest what one of the other ladies said and talk to a supervisor, because a lot of the reps are not fully educated when it come to there jobs..trust me I know, because I sometimes tell people anything to get them off my phone. I hope all goes well with you with that situation..But please stay on top of that because we all know that it's really important.

Hello Ladies. Damn, Queen, talk about being frustrated. I wish those dipshits would get it together so you can get your hearing aids fixed. Meanwhile puff away, I am right there with you. Everybody else , hope you are okay. I have a sinus infection and have had it for about 3 weeks. I have a doctor's appointment on the 14Th, I just hope I can last til then. I am off today so I will try dosing up on Mucinex to try and break up the clogs. Betty, glad you got started back on meds and glad you had a good day with your dad. Hope things continue to improve. I will check in later, Robert wants more drinky. Cristy

I am doing OK today, but it certainly is quiet when I don't have Iceman around. I am afraid to call him cause his one daughter likes to play with his phone. But, he always ends up calling me when he has the girls and I get so excited, lol!

BT~ So GLAD to hear you are on meds again. I forget how high your VL was? Can you remind us? I worry so much about people who aren't on meds and have a VL. I know there are many differences in opinion on the subject, but why risk an OI with a high VL? I know, I know, many people fear side effects and all from meds, but personally, I fear an OI more than anything! I have NEVER had an OI from HIV, but I saw my husband wither away and die in front of me in the span of 11months from non-Hodgkins lymphoma. What a way to go, dammit, still pisses me off that he didn't take his meds back then. I guess that's why I feel so strongly about everyone getting on meds when the time comes. I have a guy in group who has a VL of 200,000. He is a beautiful black man, with a big heart. He is recovering from addiction as well. God bless him, he is such a joy to have at group. Yes, I am kicking his ass about getting on meds and he said its in the works for the end of the month. He has just moved here and is on his way to building a great support system.

SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My phone just rang, it was my Aunt. My Grandmother turned 81 yesterday and I just talked to her last night. Turns out she went to take down Christmas decorations today, rather than waiting for my father to help. She fell and broke her right wrist. I mean, really broke it. My aunt is with her at the hospital right now. They were all supposed to take Gram out for her birthday dinner tonight, too! GRAM IS A LEFTY, thank goodness for small miracles. She fell down 3 years ago and really messed up her right rotator cuff and nerves in her right arm. She is finally doing better after years of physical therapy and now she goes and breaks the right wrist.

Dammit.

I said I would go to her place tonight and keep her company while watching the Skins game. It will exhaust me, but Grandma's rock, so I want to do the right thing.

OK, breathe. As far as my middle finger, BT, the damn thing woke me up this morning at 6am cause it hurt so bad. Just call me "Spidey" spinning my web. I had to unbend my finger, and got a drink and then went back to bed until 10am. I needed the rest. I have been stressed about Jabba the Hut at work being disrespectful about work stations, but one thing is for sure, I have put the fear of God into her, she won't even look my way. More on her later, I don't want to waste my time right now.

Afraid~ I hope you are hanging in there, its good to see you post. Stay with us, OK?

Cristy and BT~ Sorry about the sinuses. I know that must suck for each of you. Cristy just stay on meds and hope it clears up. Betty, does anything help the pain for you? I am an ibuprofen girl myself, but it sounds like you have some serious damage in that sinus.

Nothing to really report today...Everything still sounds muffled. I can see this hearing aid/insurance thing dragging out forever while I am the one suffering. Where is all the talk show bitches when I need some fucking help!!!! I guess you have to have baby paternity drama or fucking the next door neighbor to get any help from them. On Monday I plan on calling my case manager at my ASO but I pretty know how that is going to go. I'll need a denial letter from the insurance company. I left a message for Ed on Friday explaining what the insurance company said he had to do but I get the funny feeling he has prolly already talked to the people. It's just a lot of fucking red tape and bullshit.

There is still drama swirling around Rico who still hasn't left for Puerto Rico. From what I could hear, his Dad is upset because he isn't there yet. Rico has the money for the plane ticket but no plane leaves from here. He has to be in either Cleavland, Pittsburgh or Buffalo. And there is no one willing to take him. His ex brother in law was suppose to but I guess he either lied or something. In a way, I am glad I can't hear because of that situation. What I am getting from my friend through text messages is that Rico has been running his mouth to her parents. About what? I am not sure but she is now pissed with him. He is pissed with her for some reason, I'm guessing cause when this all happened, she had said she would help him and she hasn't. More drama. I feel for him but I got my own issues to deal with over here.

I am getting more frustrated by the minute. I have tried to vent by blogging about it but it only helped for a minute. I can't go anywhere or do anything. It really sucks. I can't hear anything but muffled noises. I can't even turn the tv up on full blast, the noise of it gets on my nerves. Even having sex has become a bit frustrating when you can't hear the moans or screams of passion.....UGH....I guess I should be grateful I have a good imagination.....

Cin, my last vl was 214,000. So, I had no problem going back on meds. I hate trying to get used to the Sustiva again, but, it is better than having an OI, trust me. I had pcp in the early 90's and also the wasting syndrome from crypto and neither were fun. Tell that man in your group to get his ass on meds! What year did your husband die in? You know, meds today are so different than they were. AZT is what started my neuropathy, back when doctors didn't know how to prescribe it and over-prescribed it. So, things definitely have improved. I'm sorry about your grandmother. That sucks that she broke her wrist. You're a very sweet granddaughter to go over there to sit with her.

Queen, I wouldn't want to deal with Rico's drama either. I sure hope you can get the stuff worked about. I don't see what the hassle is.

Other than that ladies, I really don't have much to report. I just thought I'd stop by and see what was going on. I went out today to get some groceries and it's like a slush factory outside. Tomorrow it's supposed to get in the upper 40's and rain, Monday 50's and rain, Tuesday same, then Wednesday back into the 30's and snow. Very peculiar weather. Take care ladies-

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

UK, I'm glad you found it. Please feel free to read all of our previous posts to catch up on the conversation. This is a place to spout, support and just talk. Hope to hear more!Peace-BettyPS. Cin can post our other dating threads. I'm not really good at that kind of stuff.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

I don't see any links posted in this thread. I believe Winiroo did it in our Yuletide thread. So here goes, for Ms. UK. Have fun catching up. It will take you DAYS to do, but its worth it. I may write a book at some point!

For new readers, here's our 2007 history of Dating Threads, which started in June. Thank you Cristy for starting this!

Queen, I'm sorry that the saga of the hearing aids continues on for you. You'll just have to moan louder in the sack when Rico returns. I really hope he is doing OK.

Betty~ My husband died on 8/21/96, a month before the PIs came out, which may very well have saved him. That is, if he had decided to take his meds.

No one from the family called back tonight. I even called my Dad at 5pm to find out how Gma was doing, and no one called. So, I stayed home watching an uneventful Skins v. Seagulls game, until the 4th quarter. Man! That was an awesome start to the 4th quarter, but my Skins couldn't hold out. Props to QB Collins for continuing to deliver despite getting pummled in the pocket. Also, #47 Cooley, aka "Mr. Reliable" had some good plays in that 4th quarter, too. Its still a damn shame about Taylor's death. I feel he was there at that game today, just like everyone said he was. Pretty damn cool if you ask me.

BT~ Its supposed to be 66 degrees here in Maryland on Monday. Iceman said he would come over for dinner tomorrow night but he can't stay. He has a very early day about an hour down the road Monday morning. I wish I didn't have so much fatigue. Betty, I wonder if its our diabetes along with the HIV? We're all different, I know, I have fibromyalgia, too, but this fatigue is crazy. I burn out so quick. I have just got to get my ass onto that treadmill. Maybe tomorrow.......lol!

Its off to bed. I fell asleep watching the Presidential Debates from New Hampshire. Never been too much into politics, but I'd love to get a better understanding as to where everyone is coming from. So far I like Hillary and Edwards, mainly because of their views on the war and health insurance. Its early yet in the race tho, and I have a lot of info to learn.

Good night to all......Oh, btw, when they showed a picture of Bin Laden on TV tonight, my middle finger worked just fine!

You are right, that was Winiroo's thread, Cindy. I have been feeling tired too, not sure what that is all about. I have put off doing laundry for 2 days now. Gotta get my ass in gear tomorrow for sure. I'm not sure I like Hillary's stance on insurance. But then what do I know of politics? I only follow it when the boys get to bickering about it in Off Topic....

I am looking forward to sleeping alone in my bed tonight. I am just not in the mood for Rico tonight. I can hear myself fine, Cindy, it's Rico I can't hear when it comes to the screaming... I just want to snuggle up in my covers and just drift off to sleep. I think the drama with Rico is starting to get on my nerves too. Among a few other things and I have to admit, I am glad I haven't disclosed to him yet. For good reason too but I am just not willing to post them here. Let's just say, I am really yearning for a poz man or at least a neg one who can handle me being poz. Or just be man enough to handle me in general. I don't think that will happen with Rico. Rico is feeling more like a fling to me now and I am craving more.

The weather has been weird here too. Tomorrow it is suppose to be in the 40's with rain and about 51 on Monday. And this is January, let's see what happens towards the end of the month and into February.It'll probably be a damn blizzard. I'm going a little stir crazy in the house. I haven't been anywhere since New Years Eve. But it's not like I have money to go off jet setting or anything.

I guess I will keep on watching Rome on HBO on Demand til I get sleepy....

Cin, luv the new avvy! I wish I had a digital camera. I might get one in March or this summer. That was unfortunate about the football player's death. I'm not really into football a whole lot. I like the Chicago Cubs; that's about how far my sports goes. As for politics, I like Obama and Edwards. I did like Hillary until I saw Sicko and it was in there about how much she was paid by some drug companies to back off her stance on universal health care. I need to listen to the debates more myself, also to see how everyone sounds. I was watching a little of them when the candidates were in Iowa, but CNN kept cutting off the democrats to get to the republicans.

I'm not sure what's making us so tired, Cin, if it's our diabetes combined with HIV or what. I think mine is my high viral load and getting used to the Sustiva again. I have no idea why I'm up right now (7:00 a.m) and I will probably skip church today and go back to bed. I have laundry that I have to do today. I've been putting it off long enough.

Queen, you know yourself best when it comes to Rico. If you think it's too much drama with him, move on. Easier said than done, I know. But you're a strong woman. You can do it.

Sun, good to hear from you. Looking forward to hearing more from you today sometime.

Well, that's about it for me. I got up this morning at 6:00 a.m. Not sure why. I think I'll probably go back to bed in a little while. It's just too early to be up. When I shut my eyes and listen, it's like the whole world's asleep. Take care ladies-

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Damn, why do we have to have diabetes AND HIV? I woke up at 530am and tested my sugar. It was 369, after only being 209 at bedtime last night. So, I am thinking I am having trouble with a diabetes issue called the "Dawn Phenonenon." Here's a link:

I keep making excuses that I have eaten too much the night before, but these high sugars are absolutely raging in the morning. I need to adjust my pump over the next few days and see what happens. I have laundry to do today, too.

I sent Drag an email to see how her travels were going since we haven't heard from her. I hope to hear something soon, I'll keep everyone posted. I think she said she was traveling until the 4th or something, but I bet she is tired. I know I would be. Hell, I'm tired just sitting here, lol!

Sun~ Good to hear from you. Now why are you sick and working? Have you had your job long enough to have sick leave? Sometimes just one day off is enough to refuel the system. As I have gotten older and wiser, I have taken days off even when I don't have leave, just to rest and have peace of mind when I am under the weather. Take care of yourself!

Its funny how Queen, BT and I are tired and all we really have to deal with is laundry. I sure am glad I don't have kids, lol! Whew!

OK, something has been eating at me a little. Little Sis who's mother is newly diagnosed with cancer, actually spoke to my ex best friend's/her big sister's husband the other day. You follow that? Little Sis told the husband that she and I have never lost touch, and the husband was dead silent after sucking in a lot of air. Ex best friend/Big sis is SO insecure, that her even learning of Lil Sis and I being friends still, after all of this time, would greatly upset her. Little Sis told the husband that she was sorry he was in the middle of all of this. Little Sis and I feel bad for him because he is a nice guy, but he married a looney-tune nutbag, who is going to crash and burn sooner or later. Its really a laugh that she is so selfish and insecure. See my quote from Drag in my signature line below? Yep, she's one of the one's who is losing control, and has always tried to be the center of attention. Its a shame that she has two young kids now, cause they will see right through that crap with their mother.

Oh and the main thing that hit me as weird.....Husband told Little Sis that he and ex best friend/big sis heard "I was left at the altar." Um, yeah. They didn't even know Doofus. Goes to show how news still travels in my hometown. So stupid how people twist stories around, but still, anything to make me look bad. I haven't even been a part of my ex best friend's life for 5 years and she goes and makes up stories about me based on what little info she can get her hands on. "No, honey, we were just building a house together, and like YOU, he couldn't handle my confidence and strength, so he ran." I can be such a sarcastic bitch, I love it! LOL Its alright, I know the two people who may have started the rumor mill, one is someone that still talks to my Mom. I am thinking of telling my mother something untrue, just to see if it goes along the gossip train in town, then I'll have my source. Mom can't keep her mouth shut about most things. Oh well.

OK, time to go check my sugar and maybe do some laundry. Only good thing about being up this early is that I'll sleep good tonight, I hope. Oh and I drank about 20 oz of water last night before bed, and the middle finger was NOT curled up this morning! Yay!

OK, I just had to make a comment about the gossip that's affecting our girl, Cin.

Cin, don't you just love it when people make shit up and then relay it? I guess these people have nothing better to do with their time. If I were you, I would make something outrageous up, tell your mum and see how quickly it gets around. But make sure it's something really juicey; something really wild. Of course, don't include anyone else (like Iceman) in it; can't harm the innocent. Maybe you could make up something like "Oh mum, did you know before I met Iceman, I had a slew of one-night stands and had a myriad of STDs from them also. Wow, glad that's over."

Anyway, just had to add that in. Have a good one ladies.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

I just wanted to give you all a update on what's been going on with me..I relasped, meaning I have been talking to him. I don't know what's is wrong with me or why he has the hold on me that he does. I am not in denial nor am I ashame to tell you ladies this, because I know that you all have my nest interest at heart. I wanted to tell my best friends but I know that she would have ripped me a new ass hole, just for talking to him, she felt that I should have been stop speaking to him. See my story is a little deeper then I stated in my previous threads, and she knows all about the physical abuse. and I don't mean a push here and a push there. I mean he closed hand hit me stomped me, dragged me all through the house by my hair, then he proceeded to kick me in my woman hood..I know I know..why didn't I call the police, because I knew that at the time I would have just taken him back anyway.I am just getting so frustrated with this whole situation that I have going on, and I don't know what to do.

I wish I had Moonlight's attitude then maybe I can give him the finger and tell him to f*ck off a couple a times then maybe he would get the picture.I just keep thinking is my self esteem that low, do think this badly of myself to where I am accepting his bullshit even when we are not in a relationship.

My friend said something to me that made so much attention, when I had my biopsi done, and he told me in bold words Bitch I am not taking you, take a cab..my best friend took me..he didn't call see how I was or even show at the hospital later on that day nothing. So she said if he wasn't concerned about your health then why are you concerned about his making sure that he has health insurance F*ck him. I could talk you all heads off for hours about th epain I went through and is still allowing myself to go through. I just need to toughen up and grow some alligator skin.

Queen, I hope that the situation with your health insurance company works out for you..alright ladies I am officialy done rambling

BT, your post made me laugh. I spoke to Mom earlier and told her I wanted to start a wild flaming rumor, lol! I think I'll just shut up. :l I'll have my moment when the mother dies and I show at the funeral. Mmmmm hmmmm. Anyway, enough of that nonsense for now......

Oh, Afraid, what are we going to do with you? You are in deep, girl, WAY TOO DEEP. So deep that you don't know any better. I don't mean this in a bad way, I am just on the outside looking in at a very troubled little sister here. A lot of things come to mind after reading your last post. You have taught this jerk how to treat you. You have no self esteem.

You KNOW NO DIFFERENT, and that is probably the scariest thing of all. Making a change, even if for the better, is still stressful, because it is a change. I used to always be scared of change, but now I see it as entertainment, of not knowing whats ahead for me, and its kind of exciting. Our relationships with men are very different. I am very rigid and do not tolerate disrespect AT ALL. Even when I was trying to meet dates on Match.com (yes, neggies), I would draw the line just by what a guy would type in a harmless email. Thing is, I have always had this sixth sense, this uncanny gift of having intuition like you wouldn't believe. Also, my sense of protecting myself mentally and physically was instilled in me at a very young age. I attribute that to being diagnosed with diabetes at age 11. From then on out, I knew I had to make good mental decisions, or else bad ones could flow over and be detrimental to my physical health. Little did I know that diabetes in 6th grade would get me mentally prepared for living with HIV years later. I have been poz 14 years now.

I could go on and on, Afraid, but plain and simple, you need to reach out and get help. More than what we can offer through your computer monitor. You have to change your ways and get rid of old habits and behaviors which aren't doing you any good.

I think you should have called your GF, so that she would have ripped you a new asshole. That right there would give you much needed strength at a delicate time, when you're not able to be strong enough on your own.

So, call your GF and call your local Health Dept. Ask a case manager if they can get you some therapy with a therapist. I went this past summer to sign up with my Health Dept and they immediately wrote me a referral to a therapist after hearing how crazy my year had been. Thing is, inside of myself, I knew I could get through this on my own, having been through therapy before from '97 - '04. I knew I had the mental strength to overcome the obstacles coming my way. And so I have.

You have been down a much darker path than I, with how you became infected, and also by what you've endured with this "man" in your life who has abused you. Its OK to pick the phone up and ask for help, its OK to admit defeat in the meantime while you get your mental strength back up. Please STOP doing what you know is wrong. Don't talk to his parents, don't help him out, don't avoid your GF who wants to help. Now is the time to reach out. Please quit sinking and start swimming girl! I am putting this "in your face" cause there is only so much I can do for you through my computer. Its not up to me or anyone else to save you from this dreaded situation, YOU have that responsibility. Start being responsible and ask for some help. Get some counseling, and take the challenge everyday to change one thing at a time and learn to say "NO" to the bad parts of your past.

Chin up, Afraid. This is up to you.

*****************DEEP BREATH*******************************

Wendy~ You posted while I did. I hope you and Billy feel better soon. I had a bad cold last January that had me out of work for a week. Knock on wood about the flu. I got my shot on Halloween. I'm so sorry you don't feel well. Just rest up, its all you can do while this thing runs its course.

***DRAG UPDATE***

Drag replied to my email and she is back at home. She sent me a pic and looks absolutely wonderful! Guess what?!??! She met up with Dan J. and Hermie! Can you believe it? How COOL is that? I was so excited to read it!

Drag emailed a picture she took of a billboard she saw. She said they were actually everywhere, and they were for pozzies!

The slogan reads:

"Wake up to your strength and capacity to reflourish."

She says the mud stains on the woman's body (to me, symbolic of having the virus) are actually images of flowers, which indicates rebirth and growth in the face of this virus. That is really deep, and really cool!

Drag said that she will be taking a mental break from the Forums for a few weeks, and wanted me to pass that info along to all of you. She needs a breather and she also REALLY needs to rest those wrists of hers, too. She is reading along, but just not posting. Somehow, I don't think she'll be able to stay away from us for that long, though! Drag's trip to Spain was very good and she had a wonderful time with her BF and his family, although she has been runing on fumes. Time to catch up on some much-needed sleep!

That's about it for now. Check out the Positive Billboard below! Amazing! I wish I saw ads like this in the US!

Afraid, I am with Winiroo, it's obvious to me that you are not done or tired of this man's shit and him treating you like shit. I am not taking your situation lightly because I have been where you are but at this point, I have to say if you like it then I love it. We have all given you good advice as you know but you continue to make yourself a victim. That really kind of angers me and since I consider you one of the girls here then I'm not going to bite my tongue about it. I would suggest you get some type of help but if you are going to continue to be around the man then you would be wasting your time as well as the time of those who would be trying to help you. I will pray for you and that you finally will get tired of the shit.

I don't know what's going on with us being tired, Cindy and Betty. It's funny to me too that none of us has gotten our laundry done yet. But I am going to get off of my ass today at some point and do it. First, I have to tackle the dishes. My roomie seems to start them but can never finish them and dishes that sit tend to get on my nerves. I am tired of waiting on her to do them. Not that she is lazy or anything but she has problems with her hands. So usually I am the one that does them but even I get tired of washing them on a daily basis. There's not that many so when I am done here, I will go do them.

I am all too familiar with those who likes to embellish a story. I have 2 sisters that do that. They have been quiet lately since the holidays. I knew it wouldn't last anyway but am grateful they are not bugging me. When my oldest sister was upset with my other sister because she was being ignored. I just came out and told her, why does she even let it get to her? I guess it made her think. I don't let them get to me anymore and I take anything they say as an act of jealousy. They don't look out for me or try to help me in any way, not that I would ever ask them for anything anyways. So, in my book that means Fuck them and feed them beans. I would suggest you do the same, Cindy in regards to your ex friend. I just feel bad for her husband but it sounds like to me that he is hen pecked anyways. He needs to grow a backbone or some nuts.

Winiroo and Sunseeker, Sorry you girls aren't feeling well. I usually do go with the flu shot. But I was sick around Thanksgiving time but nothing major. I think it was flu symptoms too. First time it happened to me. Get better soon.

I am off to bust some suds and wait on the roomie to wake from the dead so we can do laundry....

You must have posted while I did. I got my laundry done. Now when the heck do the Cowboys play again? I can't get the schedules straight, too much laundry, lol!

I agree with what you said about my ex best friend and her hubby. He does need some nuts, but I guess he feels obligated to take care of one (lmao) since they have kids. Its just so damn funny to be on the outside looking in with my Little Sis, at how pathetic they are. LOL Some people are so damn simple. "Good luck with that" I say.

Actually, I am not sure when the Cowboys play again. I only see one game for tv today. But we are still good, you guys only beat us because we weren't playing with our first string. But a win is a win. Don't ya wish your team was hot like us!!!!! 13-3 baby!!!!!

Hi GirlsWell, I did not get as much sleep last night as I wanted to, stayed up talking on the phone to the Latin Lover. We had a great new years and our friendship is getting stronger and stronger. Its very nice. I started back to work this week after vacation and went back sicker than a dog. I am sure that it did not help that I was out and up with the Latin Lover until 530 in the morning. Lets just say we kept ringing in the New Year over and over again. Boy was it great to be touched, kissed and you now what else. I have no regrets and either does he. We are still just friends but with the added benefits. So far I have been able to keep my walls up and not get all emotional like I did before. With that note I have been talking to a guy who is + and I met him on another + web site. We have not met but have been talking on the phone and IM'img. He is ten years older than me so not sure how that is going to work out, but I will not make judgements till we meet and see even if we click. Since I am not wanting to put all of my eggs in one basket I joined Eharmony and have been talking to one guy pretty regularly. He seems really nice and I can tell already that he wears his heart on his sleeve. He has already told his 5 year old son about me. Which I think that is a little to soon in my opinion so I know that I am going to have to tread lightly with this one, just due to the disclosure issue. I figure after I meet him then I will decided when the right time will be to tell him. My gut feeling is that it can go either way with him accepting my status. Just from the the emails its seems that he is very lonely and I can see him falling hard due to that and just from the tone of his emails. But then on the other hand I can see him wanting to run just because he has a son and the stigma that goes with being +. OK well I have rambled long enough. Now on to you girls.

Afraid- I am afraid for you and your situation. I only say this because I can speak from someone looking from the outside in and coming from a law enforcement back ground. I see women who are in your situation all of the time and end up going back to the men that don't treat them well due to lack of self esteem. Don't get me wrong I think each of us lack self esteem in different areas of our lives. I can tell you that I lost a big part of me when I found out that I was +, but the one thing that I discovered about myself was that I lacked so much self esteem that I would date or stay with who would ever love me or would have me and most of them did not love me. And what it boils down to is that we all want to be loved, and not the love that we get from our friends and family. I understand where you are coming from but I beg you to stand up for yourself and don't pick up the phone when he calls, throw away any pictures that you have of him, take him off your insurance. Start small with taking baby steps and I think that you will feel very liberated. Well, I have said my peace and hope that you don't hate me and I am here if you ever want to talk, need strength or advise or just place to bitch and you can even tell me you don't want me to say anything but listen.

Winiroo- I hope you are feeling better soon, I know this cold has been kicking my butt and am looking forward to the next three days off to relax and try to get rid of this cold.

Betty- I hope that you are adjusting to taking meds. I remember when I started taking meds it was because I was so tired, but my numbers were great and did not warrant them. So my doctor was a little hesitate but I feel better about taking them. It just made it really real for me that I was +.

Queen- Maybe it has worked out for the best that you have not disclosed to Rico about your status. I know what you mean that you are yearning for a + man. I can't but feel better that I am talking to a + vs the guy from eharmony who I may have to tell at some point and it just makes it harder since he has a kid. I know I am a kid person so I want to make sure that I tell him before I meet his son because its no fair to bring a small child into a relationship and not have things work out. However being with the Latin Lover has also made it easier to disclose, knowing that there are guys out there that don't mind that I am +. I guess only time will tell.

Drag- We miss you and enjoy your mental break look forward to catching up with you when you are ready.

Moon- It seems that you have a little Payton Place going on in your city. Don't you love the rumors that go around and how stupid people are and how they believe them. Hope you and Betty get your sugar levels back on track. How is work going and when do you get to see Iceman.

Well, I am off to get a few things done. I should go to the store but not sure if I want to get dressed.

I want to start off by saying that I am not offended by what anyone of you have posted about my situation, I must admit this is the tough love that I need. I need people that is not going to sugar coat it for me.

I know that he doesn't love me, and I know what I have to do, but why am I so scared of taking that step and moving forward, even if it's baby steps..I am seeking therapy, as I stated in my previous post, I had to change therapist because of conflict of interest, so I am hoping that when I see my new therapist on the 23rd that this will actually help me some. I hate feeling the way I do. I want to move on and feel liberated about it.I am going to call hr and ask then how do I have him removed from my health insurance..I know that it probably will not be anytime soon, because open enrollment is over, but I will try and see if there is a loop hole.

please guess don't become frustrated with me, if I am not moving the way you would like for me to be moving..trust me I am trying, I really am..and believe it or not you guess are really helping me see this through a different perspective, and I really appreciate the tough love you all are giving me...

I'm glad that you can appreciate the tough love, cause I really think its what you need right now. I wish there was more we could do, but with just this damn internet, reaching out here can sometimes help. So, I'm glad you're posting, also glad to hear that therapy is in the works.

I wanted to ask, how is this guy on your health insurance? Are you married? Married before? I didn't think you could get a BF on health insurance anywhere. I would talk to someone in HR about removing him. Even though your situation stinks, this guy still has rights and I can't imagine that you can just drop him from your plan.

Oooh girl you just posted while I did. So glad to see that you got your number changed. Be sure NOT to give it to anyone who would give it to him.

you can have a domestic partner on your health insurance, but I will be calling first thingin the morning, to see how can I go about having removed, it's a slow process, but any process is better then no process...

Good evening ladies:Wow, a lot has gone on since I last posted. I didn't get my laundry done today and have only been up for about three hours. Yes, I slept the day away today. Didn't take the movies back, didn't make it to the store. I have to go out tomorrow; I have a doctor's appointment at 11:00 to get a pap smear. So I will take care of all the other stuff then.

Cin, thanks for the update on Drag. Loved the picture. Yes, wouldn't it be nice if we had adds like that here? I love your avvy by the way also. How long ago was that picture taken? Queen, I can't stand dishes that sit around either. It's nice that you do them every day. Did you get your laundry done girl?

Afraid, I'm glad you got your phone number changed. Now just don't give in to the temptation to give it to that evil bastard. You know, men who abuse women, don't stop. They don't stop. As long as you put up with what he's giving out, he will continue to do it. I've been in your situation and the only thing that changed was when I put a stop to it. As I always say, if nothing changes, nothing changes. If you continue to let him into your life, he will continue his b.s. We're here for you, but like Cin has told you, we don't take the place of a therapist or someone else there who can help you. Sun, wow, sounds like you've got it going on!(with the guys) Good for you. Play the field. Oh, I've been on meds before many times. I know it will take awhile for my body to adjust to the Sustiva again. I'm very treatment experienced, believe me. Anyway, good luck with whatever you do.

Wendy, I hope you and Billy get to feeling better.

Well ladies, new episodes of The Wire start tonight and I'm going to have a front-row seat. My bro should be here in about 1/2 hour, then the show will be on at 9:00. It's a really good cop show-supposed to be one of the best. Other than that, school starts again this week. Hopefully it will go by as fast as it did the last time and I can do as well as I did the last time. This eight weeks I'm taking Social Psychology and Ethics. Should be interesting. Have a good one ladies-

Logged

I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Afraid - My opinion... You ask "why am I so scared of taking that step and moving forward, even if it's baby steps"Likely because fear of change and or fear of confrontation. You know what to expect from him and even though what you expect will leave you feeling shitty or in pain it is sometimes more scary to not know what to expect. So you get stuck in an endless cycle of being shit on and beaten down.

I'm glad you've decided not to be shit on anymore. Stick with it, you will like yourself more in the end. Definately find yourself a counselor. I'd suggest a female. It may feel stupid at first but if you find yourself a good one she will help you find insight and strength.