The Birdman who interrupted the US Open trophy ceremony yesterday with his majestic bird calls! Or is it, the US Open trophy ceremony interrupted the Birdman’s majestic bird calls? Yeah, I think it’s the latter.

It’s all Bob Costas’ fault, because he brought out the Birdman by saying the word “birdie” in a full voice. The Birdman, who sort of looks like the product of a young Frasier’s bath salts-fueled love affair with a British cockatoo, then fluttered out, took his place and started hollerin’ out bird calls. Shit was so golden that Bob Costas’ cemented toupee almost shifted and this almost gave me a reason to start watching golf.

That Webb Simpson dude just won some trophy, so I will overlook him laughing at his own smug “enjoy the jail cell” joke. Obviously, he meant “enjoy the cage with a blanket over it,” because birds don’t go to jail! Even cracked out, crazy ones. But Webb really should’ve said, “Enjoy the fame, because you’re going to get more media attention than I am.” And rightly fucking so!

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