Fugger: Lucy Hale

I’m still not sure if I understand a lot of these things, like (a) how we’ve gotten to a point where Nicki Minaj isn’t popping up places wearing like swizzle sticks and tennis balls anymore, (b) how come everyone seems to be taking the AMAs so super seriously, and (c) the continued public appearances of Jenny McCarthy.

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I am thrilled to say that she may have found a vaccine. This is quite simply the best I’ve EVER seen her look, and so whatever rare tuberous root she’s juicing to get Essence of Elongation into her morning smoothie… keep doing it, kid. And send the recipe.

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By which I mean, the blue-on-blue, and how the cover fonts all look very clean and well laid-out. That part all works for me, although I am unclear as to how this particular issue offers me better sex than all the OTHER issues that purport to have ways to blow my mind. Were they all lies? And wait, I just saw those orgasm emojis. I might recant my affections. I am too old and cranky to speak in pictures. The potential death of the written word is going to stress me out now. If there were any kids on my lawn right now, I would order them off of it.

ANYWAY: For a sex issue, Lucy Hale’s bedhead seems appropriate — she actually does look kind of like she just romped in a limo. Possibly a time-traveling one that deposted her here from the set of Cocktail, though, because that dress is really pretty atrocious. It looks like it cost five dollars, which gives it an unfriendly aura of being a cheap sex issue. Her face, though, is arresting and lovely, and it’s to her credit that I keep looking at that instead of trying to figure out what that giant open wound of a furbelow is doing on her right shoulder.

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In fairness, this is not the entire cast of PLL — Ashley Benson and Troian Bellisario were absent; I assume they are off making a giant PowerPoint presentation to explain to one another WTF is happening on their show at the moment — but we’ve got at least fifty percent. That’s…okay, that’s a failing grade, but whatever.