The term "Super Fan" is putting it mildly. There is not a SINGLE episode of The Bachelor/Bachelorette that I have NOT seen.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

"Kaitlyn... Gentlemen... This Is The Final Rose Tonight..."

Whew, so sorry for the delay. I am very busy and important. I have many – MANY leather-bound books and my apartment smells of VERY rich mahogany.

MOVING ON. Update on where we were at the beginning of the night: Carolyn is convinced it’s Nick. How could she not choose Nick? (Carolyn isn’t even a Nick fan) But based on what we’d been seeing on our screens for the past two weeks, it HAD to be Nick… right?

I think Kaitlyn should’ve chosen Nick. I think Nick would actually make a really great husband. OBVIOUSLY I would rather have a husband in Ben H or Ben Z, but does the conversation ever drag with Nick? It doesn’t. Granted, he IS a little bit into the face-mauling, but I can very easily see Nick as somebody’s husband. Furthermore, I realized why I’m such a fan of the guy: his neuroses. He is so unapologetically neurotic. And would you look at that – know who else is admittedly neurotic? THIS GIRL. I will now go so far as to say: it’s not that I LIKE Nick, it’s that I GET Nick.

FAMILY:

So when he was about to meet the fam and Kaitlyn told him that she spilled the beans about their late night merriment, he couldn't just said, "Oh, um, ok." and then told the cameras "I don't feel great about this," but he responded with more or less, “Oh wow. I didn’t know you were going to tell them. But that's ok. I just didn't know. Well I wasn’t nervous before, but I’m nervous now…”

See the difference?

HE’S ARTICULATE, PEOPLE.

Kaitlyn’s Mama has got some EYELASHES on. And she is not holding back in her interrogation of Nick, and I am LOVING it. She did a pretty substantial 180 During Nick’s… tears, during which I turned to LRPG Carolyn and Bryan, pointed at the screen and said, “ALL I’M SAYING IS THAT JERKS CAN’T CRY ON DEMAND LIKE THAT. THEY JUST CAN’T.”

Ok but WHY were Nick’s darty eyes glancing around while he was LITERALLY sucking Kaitlyn’s face?! I get it, that you need to compose your thoughts, but maybe put a pause to the kiss and compose your thoughts, THEN resume. Ohhhh I’m uncomfortable.

OHHHHH NICK’S FAMILY IS AT THE LIVE EVENT THIS IS ALL TOO MUCH FLAGRANT LACK OF PUNCTUATION INTENTIONAL TO DEMONSTRATE EMOTIONAL DISTRESS

Kaitlyn definitely has a bigger grin on her face whn she walks in the room with Shawn.... OH MAN I DIDN’T KNOW THIS SNAPCHAT STORY ABOUT THE FIRST TIME HE SAW KAITLYN, SCORE ONE FOR TEAM SHAWN.

OHHHH SHAWN’S GONNA GET THE MAMA INVOLVED IN ASKING FOR THE BLESSING, LIKE A MANNNN

(I just can’t stop with the all-caps. I can’t.)

Final Dates:

So I guess we’re just never going to acknowledge that we’re not off the coast of South Africa…. We’re “off the coast of” Marina del Rey. NOT THAT I’M KNOCKING MdR, but I’m JUST saying…. And the cameraman is EXCEEDINGLY seasick right now (as are we all). Does making out cause less seasickness, or more? I’d assume the latter…

And then – THEN, ladies and gentlemen, we hear Nick utter some famous last words: “It’s becoming increasingly harder to not imagine it ending well…”

Carolyn is still convinced she’s picking Nick. I can see this flying downhill so fast and it is PAINFUL. AND HIS FAMILY IS AT THIS LIVE THING, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD?

Ok she’s definitely picking Shawn. This date with him is so awkward right now and it’s because the editors are going to pull a hard and fast one on us. Let me be clear: I don’t have anything against Shawn. I don’t think he and Kaitlyn are going to last, but I don’t think he’s a bad guy. And I definitely don’t have anything against him telling Kaitlyn: “I can’t wait to call you and say ‘I can’t believe you’re making out with Joe…’”

Ok this Memory Jar right now…. Do we credit a bored intern, or was Shawn locked in a room long enough with a “handler” to finally learn what Pinterest is? Obviously I’d fall at the feet of any potential suitor who chose to bequeath such a gift, but I think I’d also have a bit of hesitation about the fact that he would be whole-heartedly supporting my hoarding tendencies, with such a gift.

Final Final Date Thoughts:

(See what I did, there?)

I bet Kaitlyn was so awkward and NOT present with Shawn because she was thinking about how difficult it was going to be to send Nick home. Or how well he was NOT going to respond…

OHHH THIS IS SO OLD SCHOOL, THROWING IT BACK TO A PROPOSAL AT THE MANSION. You KNOW Byron and Mary were thrilled to see that the Proposal Platform had been placed back over the edge of the pool, so as to say: “This is romantic! This totally ISN’T the spot where that Horn Dog McDill threw himself into the water…”

Then poor Nick was led even FURTHER on by the appearance of Mr. Neil Lane. Not to mention more words of terrible foreshadowing: “I think the calmness I feel is because I love Kaitlyn And I’m looking forward to finding out if I’m right.”

MAAAAAAYYYDAAAAYYYY!!!

During Nick’s proposal, I looked at Carolyn and said, “I’m not one to “spread the hate on the Twitter… BUT I AM WILLING TO SPREAD HATE ABOUT HER LETTING HIM NEARLY PROPOSE TO HIM.”

Let us take a final moment of silence to commemorate Nick’s existence on this show with an acknowledgement of his words to Kaitlyn: WHAT I FELT FOR YOU WAS MORE THAN JUST A MOMENT.

In vaguely related news... All I have to say about Bachelor In Paradise so far is... Carly's eyebrows need some HELP.