Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Army recruiters say that their efforts are being hindered because of applicants’ tattoos, obesity and use of prescription drugs. Which is a lot more of an effort to stay out of the military than back in the ‘70s when all you had to do was say you were gay.

Army recruiters say that their efforts are being hindered because of applicants’ tattoos, obesity and use of prescription drugs. Although they are rethinking the tattoos because they can act as camouflage and it never hurts to have an obese soldier the rest of the company can take cover behind.

Film critic Barry Norman says that many of the Academy Awards ballots are filled out by Hollywood house maids. Which may be the reason for the recent announcement that there would be four sequels made to follow up “The Help.”

Film critic Barry Norman says that many of the Academy Awards ballots are filled out by Hollywood house maids. Either that, or he is just looking for an excuse as to why no one follows his picks.

China is shutting down what it calls “obscene and lascivious” dating web sites. Or as we call those in the U.S., dating web sites.

A report says that drinking too much water can lead to a loss of sleep and excessive sweating. Mostly from drinking all that water before bedtime and being nervous about wetting the bed.

Scientists are warning about the possibility of a “deaf generation” as being exposed to constant noise can cause a loss of the ability to hear. Or as women call people who never hear what they say, “husbands.”

Scientists are warning about the possibility of a “deaf generation” as being exposed to constant noise can cause a loss of the ability to hear. If rock and roll didn’t cause Baby Boomers to lose their hearing as predicted, it’s going to take a lot more than a little background noise to make their kids go deaf.

Scientists are warning about the possibility of a “deaf generation” as being exposed to constant noise can cause a loss of the ability to hear. Teenagers’ reaction to the news was “What?”

“Celebrity Apprentice” has been renewed for another season. Which shows that Donald Trump is not really interested in running for President or he wouldn’t go off to disappear in the murky depths of the NBC fall lineup.

Semen samples from an award winning sheepdog is selling for $2,500. The sheepdog would win even more shows if it would ever learn to stop dry-humping the judges’ legs.

A study says that dogs’ brains are more complex than originally thought. It used to be believed they were only motivated by food, mating and sleep. Or as men call that, a pretty good Saturday night.

Carnegie Mellon University mistakenly admitted 800 students that were not actually accepted. Apparently they were not properly screened on the most important academic criteria, being able to qualify for their student loans.

Carnegie Mellon University mistakenly admitted 800 students that were not actually accepted. Students from other colleges were shocked. 800 people wanted to go to Carnegie Mellon?

The Virginia State Senate has approved a plan to allow home schooling children to play varsity sports. Or as other football players call home schooled kids, “tackling dummies.”

The Virginia State Senate has approved a plan to allow home schooling children to play varsity sports. The move is to answer the need for the Virginia schools that have a real shortage of team equipment managers.

A report says that household debt and student loan delinquencies are both increasing. Which these days pretty much amounts to the same thing.

The makers of a “female Viagra” pill are trying a third attempt for FDA approval of the drug that increases women’s sex drive. The FDA is reportedly hesitant to allow an unproven drug when we already have the same thing. Alcohol.

The National Toy Hall of Fame is establishing a Video Game Hall of Fame. The only problem so far is figuring out a way to get the kids off the couch and put down the game console long enough to visit the museum.

The National Toy Hall of Fame is establishing a Video Game Hall of Fame. It’s a great opportunity for kids to go and experience the games that actually rotted the minds of their parents.

Apple is reportedly working on its own electric car. It’s not the first time a type of fruit has been associated with the auto industry. GM has been putting out lemons for decades.

The tourism office of Ithaca, New York put a message on their website telling tourists that it is too cold and they should just go to Florida instead. Which must have given a chuckle to the three people who have ever actually checked out the tourism web page for Ithaca, New York.

An upcoming episode of ABC’s “Modern Family” was shot almost entirely on iPhones. The idea was to try to get younger people to watch the show who only know the world as it appears on a 3”x5” smartphone screen.

An upcoming episode of ABC’s “Modern Family” was shot almost entirely on iPhones. It could qualify as the most watched production shot on an iPhone that doesn’t involve a cat playing the piano.

A study says that 4 in 10 investors say their “say on pay” has no effect on the company executives’ compensation. The other 6 don’t care since they are family members of the executives who were appointed to the board and will rubber stamp any pay raise that they will eventually inherit.

Hurricane Sandy victims say damage reports to insurance companies have been altered. Apparently engineers feel that if all it took to knock down a house was 110 mph winds and a ten foot storm surge, there must have been some structural problems to begin with.

A study says that plain cigarette packs may deter smokers. Especially men who are afraid that people will be wondering if they are still smoking Marlboros or have switched over to Virginia Slims.

A study says that the amount of sex with a married couple increases after fifty years. Apparently couples feel they have a little more privacy once the kids have finally gotten to the point where they can move out of the basement.

A study says that the amount of sex with a married couple increases after fifty years. Which means all those men who got divorced because they were frustrated after thirty and forty years of marriage may have jumped the gun.

A study says that the amount of sex with a married couple increases after fifty years. The only problem for the people in their 70s and 80s is trying to remember what they were supposed to do.

A new trend in running is instead of going barefoot to buy shoes with extra padding. As opposed to the people who should be running because sitting on the couch has given them some extra padding on their backside.

A study says that acupuncture is less effective on skeptics. Which is hard to figure why anyone would have doubts that sticking a needle in your ear will stop the pain in your big toe.

A study says that college aged women with financial stress are more likely to develop eating disorders. Possibly because their financial stress has left them without enough money to buy any food.

A study says that college aged women with financial stress are more likely to develop eating disorders. And college aged women are most likely to have financial stress from the college tuition loan they are trying to pay off.

A study says that people in their 70s who have chronic illnesses often have their situation complicated by loneliness. Especially when their chronic condition includes incontinence and involuntary flatulence.

Baylor University live tweeted a heart transplant surgery. And you thought it was dangerous when you were texting while driving to work this morning.

Interpol reports it has seized 2,500 tons of fake food last year. Which led to a lot of disappointment for millions of Taco Bell customers.

Interpol reports it has seized 2,500 tons of fake food last year. The confiscations reportedly cut back on the potential for several thousand cases of fake obesity, fake diabetes and fake heart disease.

A study says the average sleep time of teenagers has slipped in the past 20 years. Mostly because today’s adolescents can’t wait to get up in the morning so they can check out their Facebook account, do some tweeting and lie on the couch for 12 hours playing video games.

A study says that giving smokers medicine before they are actually ready to quit helps them kick the habit. Especially when you tell them the medicine is a diet pill to make it a little easier on their pallbearers.

A study says that teen dads pass along six times as many genetic mutations as teen moms. Either that or the researchers mixed up their analysis with a script from “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.”

Oregon may ban its religious beliefs exemption from getting children vaccinated. Especially the ones who rely on the Bible for medical information and are more concerned about how to avoid the plague, boils and leprosy.

Alex Rodriguez has made a written apology for his part in the PED scandal. Actually he didn’t write it himself. He dictated it to his personal secretary in his penthouse office who transcribed it by hand onto the back of one of the pages of his $250 Million contract.

A Redskins fan paid $1,522 for the ankle cast worn by quarterback Robert Griffin III. Which is a lot less money than the amount has been offered by several parties in advance to the person who puts Kanye West in a cast.

Scientists have mapped the loudest and quietest places in the U.S. So far there is nowhere that you can hear a pin drop more easily than in the stands waiting for something to cheer for during a Houston Astros home game.

Scientists have mapped the loudest and quietest places in the U.S. The quietest by far is in a movie theater after a film where the only noise is the soft weeping of people realizing they just shelled out $10 to watch an Adam Sandler movie.

Scientists have mapped the loudest and quietest places in the U.S. The noisiest place is where Chris Christie walks in the door and realizes there is a fully catered buffet.

A rare portrait of Henry VIII’s second wife Anne Boleyn has been identified. It had been ignored so long because no one had ever actually seen a likeness of her with her head still on.

A series of earthquakes in Oklahoma and Kansas are raising fears of an impending big one. Damage estimates from a large earthquake could be as high as whatever is costs to tip a million head of cattle back up on their feet.

A 37 year old Utah woman is trying to set a record, so far catching 46 wedding bouquets even though she is still unmarried. Mostly because is hoping for a proposal from the man of her dreams to become his 47th bride.

A report says that millions of Catholics could be giving up Facebook for Lent. Especially the ones who are giving up sweets and have no reason to get on any social media to post pictures of what they are going to eat for dessert.

A Russian hacker has denied stealing millions of credit card numbers. Although he still hasn’t come up with a good answer yet as to how he has managed to amass 84 Billion frequent flier miles.

Apple is projected to sell 20 Million iWatches. Mostly because Apple could develop and market an iNailclipper and would find 20 Million Apple fanatics who would pay $2,500 to get their hands on one.

A report says the value of photo messaging site Snapchat could rise to $19 Billion. At least until another photo swapping site that kids like better shows up and the value will drop to $7.53.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Back to my regular schedule of cranking out around 50 jokes a day (54 to be exact today but who's counting?). Well, 50 ideas that are supposed to be humorous in some way. I am just lucky I can still type with the frostbite I have contracted after going outside for more than 30 seconds. I am ready for spring mostly because we need to go through that before we get to summer. I am tired of this cold weather. That’s why I need you to spread the word about this site so I get hired as a writer in Hollywood and can make enough money to move somewhere warm. See, I have had a plan for this blog all along. In the meantime, you can keep me going by remembering once in awhile to make sure to send the love!