Author: drchristinavillarreal

Dr. Christina Villarreal provides executive leadership coaching and health and wellness education for adults and organizations. Experience in working with the Bay Area’s tech community, including startup founders and their employees, executives in finance, product development, attorneys and engineers, and wide range of creative professionals. Training and expertise in working with a wide range of culturally diverse populations. Dr. Villarreal uses a problem-solving approach for coaching that is positive and strength-based, informed by cognitive neuroscience, behavioral change theory and is solution oriented.
Dr. Villarreal produces digital articles, televised and print/digital/televised interviews on current issues in health and tech culture. She offers consultation, early growth and leadership development to entrepreneurs. She has been a featured expert and consultant for a variety of international publications and television news networks including The Wall Street Journal, Techcrunch.com, The British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC), ABC News, CBS News, Fox News, The Oxygen Channel, The Lifetime Channel, Scholastic Scope Magazine, Topix Media Lab, and La Tercera, Chile’s national news publication. Her professional writing has been cited in textbooks produced by Princeton University’s Psychology department.
Dr. Villarreal has taught at various institutions of higher education in the San Francisco Bay Area at both the post-baccalaureate and doctoral level. Courses taught include Cognitive Psychology, Personality and Forensic Assessment, and Behavioral Medicine/Health Psychology.
You may contact Dr. Villarreal directly at christina.villarreal@gmail.com

Back in 2014 I penned an article for techcrunch.com titled #Love: Hacking Social Isolation, bringing attention to how the increasing reliance on technology is making it more difficult for millennials to form and maintain authentic relationships with others. Not unlike Silicon Valley startups whose valuations promise more than they actually deliver, millennials continue to rely heavily upon dating apps, an investment that is more likely to lead to user fatigue and burnout than to the relationship promised land. This is a new kind of failure, and Silicon Valley hasn’t come to grips with it yet. You can’t swipe right for automatic intimacy, you have to build it. Slowly and unpredictably, at least for now.

For many of us, 2017 was an exhausting year fraught with political change, devastating natural catastrophes and economic strain. But Silicon Valley never stops evolving, fueled by talented people driven to create positive change and effective solutions. I’ve had the pleasure of coaching some of the Bay Area’s fastest rising founders, tech leaders and startup teams as they turned their ideas into reality, started companies that attracted clients with the biggest and hottest names in tech, joined executive teams that launched transformational products, and challenged themselves to take professional risks in new high level roles. Engaging in coaching helped them sustain motivation and gain clarity through periods of doubt, burn out, and high stakes decision making.

Their pathways to achievement in the startup space are not meant to remain hidden and unaccessible to others who are just beginning their journey. My goal as an executive leadership coach is to share honest lessons from their pivotal experiences so that others can find encouragement and make progress with aplomb.

You don’t have to do things the way they’ve always been done (or the way others have done things for that matter) to “make it”. For every newly minted ivy league graduate gunning for entrepreneurial success in the startup community, there are countless others who have leveraged their humble education or work experiences with immensely profitable gains. Not having a degree is no longer a reason to believe you can’t create opportunities to learn and achieve in your chosen field.

Fear and doubt are emotions not behaviors. Use mindfulness to manage your thoughts, which have a direct impact on your emotions. You can’t rely on waiting for your emotions to ‘be ready’ to start taking on new challenges. Set yourself up for success by using ‘SMARTgoals’, a behavioral timeline that is realistic and achievable, at a pace that allows small but measurable progress.

Take your own short cuts. Use what’s available rather than re-inventing the wheel. Our time and energy are better spent creating impact in unique ways than in rebuilding something that’s now available off the shelf. Open-source, high engagement educational tools and projects, third-party design tools, and strategic outsourcing are ways to focus more of your time on leveraging your core competencies.

Listen to your gut. What are you truly curious and passionate about doing? Find a space to explore and track these thoughts, talk about them with trusted others or engage in coaching to gain clarity around what you want to build towards in this phase of your life, and how to set yourself up to achieve your biggest goals.

Grow at your own pace. While many people would love to have the problem of achieving rapid success, growing pains that strain one’s functional capacity can feel like a dam threatening to burst. What’s at risk if you lose control of your growth pace? It’s not necessary to convince yourself you ‘have’ to accept all the big opportunities that come your way. Helping founders decide how and when to aggressively prioritize growth opportunities has revealed to me the critical value of pacing growth in the big picture of one’s success map.

Use losses and transitions as a chance to re-evaluate and re-direct your personal vision of success. The tech industry has the lowest average employee tenure, creating a cutthroat climate for those in the game. Employment transitions and lost opportunities can feel overwhelming, especially for those whose work identity is a grounding anchor in their self-esteem. It’s normal to feel uncertain about what to pursue next, especially if it opens up other major decisions like where to live, and what relationships should be prioritized in the grand scheme of one’s life. Borrow Salesforce‘s ubiquitous alignment tool, the V2MOM. Creating a personal V2MOM is one way I have helped clients formulate next steps according to their vision, values, methods, obstacles and measures. It can help to do this exercise with an objective person you trust, or anyone without personal stakes in your decision-making.

Pay attention to how far you’ve come, it’s further than you realize! One of the most fulfilling parts of being a leadership coach is taking inventory with my clients of how much they’ve learned and grown by tracking their measurable progress. As a lifelong skier, I’ve always enjoyed taking that moment to pause and look back at the steep, icy, once intimidating run I just came down. It’s so important to acknowledge where you started!

Surround yourself with people who want to see you win. Well cultivated friendships and supportive social networks are irrefutably one of the healthiest, most rewarding things we can instill in our lives. Making friends in adulthood can be intimidating, don’t hesitate to review some surefire tactics for building social equity into your current phase of life.

As a executive coach I support startup founders, CEOs, senior executives and other tech leaders in their pursuit of entrepreneurial success in Silicon Valley. Their leadership development goals prioritize enhancing emotional intelligence, improving interpersonal communication and honing conflict resolution skills for managerial effectiveness. The startup life is often grueling as co-founders face high pressure, high stakes decision-making during the rapid growth of their company. Harjeet Taggar, former Y Combinator partner, once wrote, “The relationship between co-founders is usually the single biggest risk to a startup in the earliest stages, it’s certainly the most common reason for failure we see at YC.” According to Paul Graham, founder of Y Combinator, successful conflict management requires skillful self management, and the ability to separate self-interest from winning solutions “You have to be prepared to see the better idea when it arrives. And the hardest part of that is often discarding your old idea.”

Seasoned entrepreneurs in Silicon Valley recognize that it’s not just the idea, product or timing of a startup that sets the stage for success, but arguably the founders’ ability to work together to tackle emerging problems as a company scales. It means working through differences aligned in partnership rather than at odds with one another. Just like the honeymoon phase of romantic relationships, early startup success can mask a lack of effective conflict management skills between founders. When things are going well, it’s tempting to believe that major conflicts can be avoided. While the gambling spirit is worn like a badge of honor among successful entrepreneurs, this is one gamble they can’t afford to lose.Without practicing conflict resolutions skills early and often, they risk losing time and resources battling each other instead of leveraging their collective strengths when they need them most. Gary Tan, former partner at Y Combinator shared with TechCrunch “Successful co-founders actually embrace conflict, and are constantly in the process of resolving it. If you can’t argue and arrive at the best solution, you’re not doing the work to actually have a real, healthy working relationship.”

So what works? Evidence-based strategies like those developed by psychologist John Gottman are applicable beyond marital relationships, and have been successfully utilized by other respected startup coaches in Silicon Valley. Gottman’s research has a proven track-record for both relationship success as well as predicting relationship failure with scientifically rigorous precision.

1. Aspire to ‘win’ as a team, not as individuals.

When your team is busy arguing over every minor detail your competitors are busy winning, and your company is busy failing.

There’s a saying in Silicon Valley that it’s better to have an A team with a B idea, than a B team with an A idea. Dedicate yourself to operating as an A member of an A team. Each member of your A team has lived their life aspiring to win on an individual level, using tactics that work best for them as individuals. The hardest part of submitting to a team is accepting others’ differences and shortcomings gracefully, and carrying on with your best work ethic and respect for others regardless of who’s slowing company progress. You think “I never would have made that mistake! This problem could have been avoided if they’d listened to me.” When oversights, insufficient planning, unclear communication, failed efforts, personal problems, and fatigue set in, they can lead to setbacks in your combined efforts to succeed as a team. Adopt the mental framework that ‘winning’ is modeling cooperation and flexibility, ‘losing’ is fighting to get your way all the time. Winning is practicing humility and accepting constructive feedback because it sets the best stage for improvement. Are you using tactics to succeed as a team or are you using tactics that are better suited to individual success? Are you willing to do whatever it takes to make progress as a team?

2. Recognize that company success is tied to your team’s willingness to trust one another. By working as part of a founder team, you are acknowledging you are better off working together versus alone. If you agree to build something with someone you are agreeing to rely on them, and you must also be reliable.

Founders of a company are gambling on each other, and there is no way to gamble without trust. Partial trust begets mistrust.

Can you trust that your cofounder has the best interest of the company at heart? Are you both committed to making the relationship work and the company successful? If you are not all in, you introduce risk to the foundation of your company. Trust functions to give team members a “reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.” By agreeing to work with and rely on one another, you’ve accepted that each person adds important value, unique insights, and specialized abilities that compliment yours. By giving this to one another you maximize the time and attention you have for your own contributions instead of using your energy to raise doubts or second guess others’ work.

3. Attempting to track and keep score of who’s working harder or contributing more ‘worth’ wastes time, fosters animosity and reduces positive synergy.

Everyone’s best effort looks different, so spending time making comparisons rarely produces progress for the relationship or the company.

According to University of Illinois psychologist Brian Ogolsky and Texas State University’s Christine Gray, people who keep score in their relationships damage their potential for healthy relationship maintenance because the very act of counting implies a lack of trust, rigidity, and negativity. Co-founders and team members should aim to delegate responsibilities based on ability and expertise, and if a continual imbalance in the workload emerges, plan to discuss this as a team to solve for more efficient allocation of tasks that factors in individual strengths, resources and availability. Avoid placing blame when ever possible, and focus on actionable solutions that are tied to current circumstances. The potential for success is maximized when everyone’s strengths are being efficiently utilized in real time.

4. Create space for differences in opinion- exploring these differences will generate the most ingenuous solutions. Aim to facilitate a wide range of possibilities, and take an objective approach to problem-solving.

Even if you don’t agree with a particular solution, it’s more effective if everyone shares their vision how this solution could result in success or failure.

This style of debate fosters constructive involvement and reduces power struggles. Ifyou oppose a decision, it’s not sufficient to point out a suggested plan’s low probability of success. Research and prepare an outline of alternative action-oriented solutions to share with the team.

5. Pay attention to people’s feelings. Conflict will naturally give rise to emotional expression that can work in your team’s favor. Strong emotional overtones are bound to emerge during a heated debate- take this as a sign that people care deeply about the work, about the team’s success, and that everyone at the table wants to avoid pitfalls. Identify what people are feeling and why. Let their answers inform how to proceed based on the expressed ideas.If the discussion doesn’t lead to an agreed upon direction, rely on people’s primary areas of expertise as a guide for who has the most insight for the final call. If the plan doesn’t work as out, take part in supporting a change in course quickly to minimize stalled productivity.

6. Ignoring reoccurring bad vibes between team members will only lead to bigger problems- resolving conflict is one problem startup founders CAN control. The sooner you address them, the sooner you can get back to business.

Lastly, if all diplomatic efforts fail, agree to seek outside advice. I always recommend that founders and executive teams establish a range of outside resources (experienced mentors, business advisors, legal counsel) to give your team the insight it needs to resolve conflict. Having an outsider broker your disagreement will end the gridlock- it’s like couples therapy for co-founders. This might be what saves your startup from sinking. Your team should agree in advance to take the advice with the goal of moving past this stage with finality.

And don’t lose your sense of humor! At fast-growing startups, the sheer magnitude of work should be complemented with some light-heartedness. Laugh in solidarity at the crazy, silly things that you face together as a team- it will help lighten the mood. When you look back at this time in your life, those are the things you’ll remember with a sense of gratitude and character-building strength.

You know that feeling when you’re stalled by something that needs to get done? Even the most efficient people face roadblocks in their productivity from time to time. This is especially frustrating for people who are used to completing challenging tasks with relative ease. I recently met with an accomplished young gaming engineer for executive coaching to support his exploration of new work opportunities in Silicon Valley. He revealed that he’d struggled for hours to complete a cover letter email, and this left him feeling baffled and weary about the whole process of interviewing for new employment. We used the session to get to the root of what was creating this stall in productivity, and generated smart solutions based on his personal strengths. Strategy and perspective makes all the difference.

Working with the Bay Area’s talented tech community has taught me this- the smartest people take it the hardest when their performance and results don’t meet their expectations! Many have grown accustomed to things coming easily to them and have quickly advanced in their chosen career trajectory. Early giftedness in STEM can sometimes lead to people develop an identity centered around being ‘brainy and capable’. It may come as a shock when something as simple as creating a cover letter sidelines them and deflates their sense of efficacy.

Why does this happen? Over time, our strengths get reinforced as our primary means of solving problems because they get us from point A to point B quickly and easily. Since these same strengths are also tied to our sense of identity and self worth, we become less willing to set them aside and use other methods of ‘solving’. Tasks that force us to operate outside of our comfort zone trigger feelings of frustration because we aren’t as effective as we’re used to feeling, which stalls our productivity. A guy who’s honed skills as a talented engineer, fluent in the most sought after programming languages will probably not be as adroit at English writing composition and will likely need to give himself more leeway in completing a thoughtfully composed cover letter.

Apply a smart solutions formula when your productivity stalls:1. Conscious self-awareness. Identify the evidence in your life (historically and currently) of how and when you have leveraged your personal strengths to achieve good outcomes. How did your strengths allow you to perform optimally? Result outcomes might be found in academic, career advancement, kinesthetic/athletic, social/interpersonal, emotional, musical, aesthetic, experiential, operational or other realms of functionality.

“I can recognize times in my life when my skills and abilities have allowed me to make progress, overcome obstacles, and reach important goals that have led me to where I am now.”

2. Balanced self-acceptance. Scientific advancements in human cognition and intelligence reveal that all people possess strengths and weaknesses relative to their overall functioning. To expect to function only by means of our strengths is unrealistic. Sometimes we must be willing to step back from our most comfortable mode of operating and acknowledge certain tasks don’t call for our ideal skill set.

“This task calls for specific skills that I don’t practice as often (e.g. writing English composition). I can’t rely on my core strengths to complete it. I must be willing to feel uncomfortable if I’m to make progress. So what? That’s true for everyone sometimes. If I let this slower pace of progress demoralize me it could stop me from getting from point A to point B. Any pace will do, as long as I’m trying to move forward.”

3. Realistic expectations. Plan to break down larger goals into chunks that are achievable and utilize breaks to regain energy. Attempting to complete a difficult task in one fell swoop doesn’t lead to efficiency, it’s a set up for failure. When you’re using your brain to work in less familiar ways, expect to take breaks before your mental energy begins to stall so your overall motivation remains strong. This way you avoid feeling demoralized and progress remains steady.

4. Shift perspective. Pay attention to how you’re evaluating yourself- when we only measure our progress based on ‘results’ rather than ‘performance effort’ we can end up feeling ineffective or lose our sense of purpose. Another coaching client of mine works in a highly specialized area of machine learning/artificial intelligence (AI). While there has been genuine advances and exciting new applications here in Silicon Valley and other tech hubs around the world, the field remains experimental, and it still requires time-consuming, exploratory research. Even the most brilliant minds working together face a sense of disappointment when big breakthroughs don’t happen, especially with constant media hype fueling the AI frenzy. If you are working on the cutting edge of new scientific discovery, it may be difficult to quantify progress and demonstrate measurable value compared to an ever-changing larger community. While it’s natural to want to make comparisons, track and measure your contributions by ‘showing your work’ rather than evaluating yourself on outcome results alone. By documenting your steps in the scientific process, generating strategic hypotheses, testing them critically through observations and experiments you are creating a useful path of ‘knowledge’ as you arrive at Type 1 or Type 2 errors, etc. Find value in documenting how you’ve made progress to better direct your future paths of discovery.

5. Prepare to use trial and error. If one particular process of completing a task isn’t coming together, try a different plan of action. Step away from a task and let your brain absorb the learning and develop new insights. Go back with fresh eyes in regular intervals and adjust accordingly, and practice applying new insights. According to the latest neuroscience, researchers have discovered that moments of creativity take place when the mind is at rest rather than directly working on something. Since creative approaches are so crucial to success, be sure to give yourself space from your work efforts.

Bringing it all together: Discover optimal productivity methods based on your personal strengths and challenges. Practice applying a perspective that takes into account all the moving parts and your abilities before comparing your pace to others. Remember that everyone hits roadblocks from time to time; taking this mindful approach and using smart solutions will help you overcome them as efficiently as possible.

Most accounts of modern dating describe finding lasting love as more elusive than ever. Thanks to mobile dating apps, dating has evolved into a finger-swiping game of ‘matching’ with people whose real intention for long-term dating is nearly impossible to determine. Being an executive and dating coach in the San Francisco Bay Area has given me a front row seat to this phenomenon with an inside view of the good, the bad and the ugly. The highly competitive tech scene here is also known for having an awkward dating culture where both men and women can develop some dumb habits that thwart their long term relationship goals. I feel it’s my duty to share them publicly, air out the gender themes I see, and hopefully shed some light on the issue so more people are successful in their dating endeavors.

My clients are bright, healthy, charismatic people who bemoan their dating struggles as real a ‘pain point’ in their life. In my last article on learned optimism, I outlined the rationale for viewing problems through a positive, solution-focused lens, and how to hold yourself accountable for your role in a problem. When a client tells me “I’d like to meet someone and settle down into a long-term relationship but I’m having a tough time finding them.” I’ll ask “What strategies are you using to meet eligible people? Tell me, what are you currently doing to build a long-term relationship with someone?” This is when the storyline starts to reveal dating habits that can be major roadblocks to developing a lasting romantic relationship.

Dumb dating habit #1: Going on a never-ending cycle of first dates, waiting for that ‘love at first sight’ feeling to signal when it’s time to finally pursue someone for a long term relationship.

First impressions are often not a good predictor of who’ll be a good fit for a long term relationship. In my observation, guys need to take initiative and figure out how to emotionally invest in the process of dating if they want a long term relationship. A lot of men are stuck in a conundrum when they’re looking for a girlfriend- they feel safer with more options, but more options leads to low emotional investment, which leads to a sense of emptiness, which they fill with more creating more options. It’s a vicious circle! Men, start by figuring out what you need to do to care more about the person you’re meeting for a date.

Males are commonly raised to avoid vulnerable emotions, and learn to keep a safe distance from their feelings, especially in matters of the heart. As a result, they can miss out on developing emotional intimacy with someone because they fail to take an active role in building it. In movies, men are portrayed as reluctant participants in intimacy – cinematic stereotypes such as the manic pixie dream girl archetype evolved in order to protect masculine identity in the face of falling in love.

REBOOT: If you don’t work to get inside your feelings and figure out how to genuinely invest in caring about the person sitting across from you, these feelings will not mysteriously emerge on their own. I know you believe you just haven’t met someone who’s attractive enough, smart/accomplished enough, humble and supportive and interested in YOU enough. If this storyline is sounding a lot like you, it’s time to see it for what it is – you’ve got to rise to the occasion and take initiative. Make a real effort to be curious, listen, absorb and relate. Look at it from an economic perspective- wise investments of all kinds pay off big!

Dumb dating habit #2: You’re using dating as a way to compete with your friends- in this game the last one to get off the single train wins.

You’re struggling with choosing someone because you’re too busy rounding out your dating options for more bragging rights with your friends. A proud 20-something year old guy once told me that he and his male roommates had a world map in their house with colored pushpins in it to represent the countries of origin of women they’d each slept with. Why? Because it made them look cool to all their friends, duh! But do you really want to be the last one who still cares about playing this game? It’s like you’re that last guy in your middle school friend group who still cares about who has the most/best Pokémon cards.

Dude at some point, it’s not that crucial anymore! Eventually, most guys want to be with someone that will stand by them when life gets hard, someone to enjoy private moments with, who will honestly be there for them through the thick and thin of their life. Meanwhile, do you want to still be scrolling through your phone contacts looking for someone who actually cares about what happens to you? (besides your family! Not your ex either, she’s probably happily married now with a baby on the way.)

Dumb dating habit # 3: Not noticing when your mind magically fills in the blanks in someone’s potential instead of accepting the current reality as it stands. The problem with this is that your brain gets caught in a vicious cycle of unrealistic expectations. This can lead to feeling mad and resentful when the person falls short of your version of them.

Sometimes women can get ahead of themselves while dating, and lose track of the difference between what is reality and what is wishful thinking. This happens when they fail to notice that someone isn’t demonstrating a consistent investment in getting serious with them. When you fantasize a million steps ahead about how your next dates will play out together it can lead your brain to believing it should and it will, and then when it inevitably doesn’t, you feel shortchanged and frustrated, but keep hoping things will improve. Unrealistic expectations can also lead people to cut things off prematurely which is sabotaging your #relationshipgoals. Confirmation bias is a form of faulty thinking with plenty of scientific evidence supporting people’s propensity to believe something is true because they would like it to be true. Motivated by wishful thinking, individuals will stop gathering information when the evidence gathered so far confirms the views (prejudices) one would like to be true.

REBOOT: DO NOT GET AHEAD OF YOURSELF. If someone isn’t consistently making an effort to set concrete plans with you, showing a genuine interest in connecting with you, stop giving him your mental attention! Be ready to harness some discipline because old habits die hard. You’re perfectly rigorous about keeping your diet paleo, you’re awesome at limiting your drinking to the weekends, but you let your mind go on a wild goose chase over every text thread in your phone! You know you’re in trouble if the guy inside your head is always more fun to think about then the same guy whose text messages rarely extend beyond 3 words and you never quite know where things stand between the two of you. Be honest with yourself. Why would it make sense to want a relationship with someone who’s hot and cold towards you? Inconsistency and unpredictability beget failure in building anything of value. Open your eyes to the people who are making it clear they value you and want to spend time with you.

Dumb dating habit # 4: You over-rely on dating apps and forget that prospective dating partners are everywhere! Your attention is buried in your phone and you never (ever, ever) initiate conversation with a stranger for social purposes.

Pretty much everyone is guilty of digital social isolation these days. You’ve heard this before from those of us who evolved as human beings before the digital era. By limiting yourself to socializing through online/text consumption you are actually limiting yourself to a communication method with WORSE social aptitude results not BETTER. The quality of enjoyment, depth of expression and opportunity to build lasting relationships has evolved over billions of years through face to face communication. Digital communication on the other hand has existed for a fraction of a mili-second and the jury is out if humanity would even survive if we continue to depend on it with today’s enthusiasm. It’s not that I think people shouldn’t enjoy all the latest dating apps, follow each other on social media for entertainment, ease and efficiency, but aim to keep practicing your real life social skills. Every single client who’s taken me up on my encouragement in this area has come back glowing with newfound empowerment and shock, really. Like “I cannot believe I initiated a social conversation with a total stranger (sober, mind you!) AND DIDN’T DIE ON THE SPOT FROM ANGST. I CAN DO ANYTHING NOW!!!” YES! That is the best feeling!

What is the difference between someone who consistently performs to the best of their ability and someone whose performance is unpredictable? What allows someone to effortlessly tap into their peak performance and reach their goals and what compromises a person’s ability to access and sustain it? One word- outlook. Martin Seligman‘s groundbreaking research on learned optimism reveals how being optimistic is consistently related to improved health and longevity. A US study of nearly 100 000 students found that people who are optimistic are less likely than those who are pessimistic to die from Coronary Heart Disease (CHD) or from any other cause over an eight year period. On the other hand, pessimism has been linked to chronic stress and poor health functioning such as high levels of inflammation, a weakened immune system, increased pain perception, and other signs of physiological and mental dysfunction. Optimistic people appear to manage stress more efficiently than others so that their stress disappears at a faster rate than those who don’t utilize optimism in their outlook.

Seligman developed a test to help people identify their outlook style (which you can take here.) If your base level of optimism isn’t very high, don’t panic. In fact, it means that you are at the level where learned optimism can be the most beneficial!

Executive coaching can be an effective way to learn and adopt optimism to improve your overall functioning and sustain peak performance in all areas of your life. I typically work with high-achieving young adults in the tech community of the Bay Area/Silicon Valley. Working with a coach is great for healthy people who are motivated to change what isn’t working, but need some guidance on how to execute strategically and efficiently.

The following tactics outline the basic tenets of Learned Optimism. Keep in mind that our first reaction to something will always be automatic and happen instantaneously – that’s normal and to be expected! We can acknowledge our initial reactions to an event without this becoming our permanent outlook on the matter. That’s where Learned Optimism comes in. We can cultivate this skill by identifying our first reaction, clarifying how this first outlook might impact our overall ability to problem-solve and perform, and challenge ourselves to adjust our outlook in order to optimize our performance and goal achievement. With practice, we can improve our mental toughness, which is what helps a person cope with difficult situations, persevere and succeed at a high performance level.

Our outlook is shaped by our individual explanatory style, a psychological attribute that indicates how people explain to themselves why they experienced a particular event, either positive or negative. There are three components to this:

The permanence of an event – how long someone thinks it will last

The pervasiveness or scope of an event – whether the person sees the event as specific and contained, or global and all-inclusive

Personalization of an event – whether the person views the event as something that was caused entirely by oneself, others or external factors

Learned Optimism tool # 1 – Adjust TIME outlook for an event.

Find ways to view a negative event as temporary:

“The next fiscal quarter will be better.”

“This is a short-term setback.”

“I’m having an off day today.”

Find ways to view a positive event as enduring and reflective of personal ability:

“I’m on a roll now, because I’ve worked hard, practiced, and now have a winning strategy.”

“I know I can handle challenging things because I’ve already overcome so much.”

“I’ve created opportunities for myself in the past, and am capable of creating more.”

Learned Optimism tool # 2 – Adjust SCOPE of an event.

Find ways to view a negative event as specific and contained to one situation:

“The next event will work out better because of what I’ve learned this time around.”

“I won’t let this personal rejection or difficult co-worker get in my way or stop me from reaching my goal.”

“Things at my company are rough right now, but my personal life is going well.”

Find ways to view a positive event as global:

“Earning this promotion has gotten me on the right path to developing as a leader in the company.”

“My management style is more effective since I’ve made an effort to be more approachable and generous with my time.”

“Taking social risks has been challenging but I’ve learned that overall, people respond well to me when I reach out first.”

For negative events, identify your personal accountability, then factor in others’ contributions and the role of external circumstances:

“I can see how I contributed to the fight my spouse and I had. I want to clarify my expectations and work on finding some middle ground so the next time this issue comes up we can avoid a blowup.”

“I reacted without communicating beforehand with my team members, which led to a break down in our overall progress. I will suggest a few temporary solutions until we can figure out a more inclusive strategy.”

“My company is going through major layoffs, and in spite of the contributions I made that demonstrated real utility, I’ve been informed it’s time to find my next position.”

For positive events, recognize which personal strengths you utilized to bring this event to fruition:

“I stayed focused on my goals and was willing to work harder when other people were frustrated and fed up, which helped me move forward and achieve in spite of facing real adversity.”

“I’m more comfortable and experienced speaking in front of others than my co-founder, so I took on the responsibility of pitching our idea to investors and now our startup has seed funding.”

“I’ve worked on building up my tolerance for discomfort in social situations, which I believe gave me the confidence to ask out someone I’ve been interested in for months. Even if it doesn’t work out, I feel good about stepping up and taking initiative.”

Bringing it all together- learned optimism is a winning strategy to get through challenging or unfair situations by shining a spotlight onto where there is opportunity for improved coping, positive progress and effective solutions. Our initial response to a situation may not be the most effective way to navigate it successfully. The key to adopting an optimistic mindset is to acknowledge the inherent choice we have in our response. Learned optimism is not an exercise in avoiding responsibility or ignoring dire circumstances either. Adopt an outlook that encourages personal accountability, and supports your performance growth in every area of life. From your education to your work to your health, it is your outlook that predicts your level of success above all else.

It’s 2017, and you’ve decided it is time to tell some folks the truth about you: you’re gay, you’ve BEEN gay, and you’re tired of hiding it in both big and small ways. If you’ve been agonizing about exactly how to tell people you’re gay let me say this first: the most important part of this exchange is YOU. Your needs, your feelings, your future, and your lifestyle. This conversation can be short and sweet.

Convey your message in simple language so no one gets it twisted:

“Hello? It’s me. I was wondering if you knew that I’m gay. Yes? You suspected already? Ok great just checking, I thought I’d officially confirm it. M’kay bye!” (Hang up phone and start belting out lyrics to your favorite power workout song.)

“Hello? It’s me. I was wondering if you knew that I’m gay. No? Ok well glad I checked because I am. Hella gay. Happy to share with you some ways you could support me, if you’re interested. If not, we can talk about something else now.”

This is an exercise in getting something off your chest for you, about you. Maybe the person you’ve told has questions about ‘how sure you are’, ‘if this could be a phase’, or feels compelled to wonder out loud if ‘maybe you just haven’t met the right person yet.’ If the person you’ve just told you’re gay responds with doubtful comments and questions you can respond like this:

2. Convey you do not have doubts about your sexuality. If they have difficulty believing you are in fact, gay, they should work through those feelings on their own. Maybe they need some professional support and/or expertise to become better informed about how sexuality works.

“It seems like you’re having a hard time believing that I understand my own feelings and my own sexuality. What if I were asking you these same questions about your sexuality? I don’t want to debate my sexuality, just like I’m sure you don’t want to debate yours.”

“It sounds like you could use some time to think about what I’ve just told you, based on your comments and questions. I’ve already thought A LOT about it, and I’m done now. I’ve made peace with the fact that I’m gay. There’s nothing else to think about- I’m gay, the end. When you’ve reached that place too, you’ll feel at peace with it, just like I do.”

3. Convey you have choices about how you live your life, and the people in it. Make it clear that while you’d like your personal and professional relationships to remain unaffected by your sexuality, the fact is some people will have a hard time accepting this. The best thing you can do is surround yourself with people who respect and support your goals and are willing to treat you fairly regardless of your sexuality. This will be a lifelong endeavor, but worth the effort so that you can live your best, happiest, most fulfilled life.

“I understand there will be people who won’t like me because I’m gay. That’s not really any different than people who might not like you (or anyone for that matter) because of things they can’t change about themselves. If someone doesn’t like me because I’m gay that’s their problem not mine.”

“Maybe it’s not obvious, but I’d rather not have to deal with people treating me unfairly or excluding me from opportunities or even basic rights because I’m gay. The best thing I can do is pursue personal relationships and professional opportunities that allow me to be myself, grow, and pursue fulfilling goals. It would be great if you could support me. If not, I understand that’s your choice. You should understand it’s my choice to build a support group of people who accept me.”

The health toll of having these conversations should not be underestimated. Many people feel overwhelmed and exhausted by the prospects of sharing news about yourself that may not be well-received. This is a good time to invest in regular self care activities and connect with people who accept and support you as you are.

Telling people you’re gay need not be a long, complicated, agonizing conversation. You do not have to allow anyone to make you feel like you’re wrong, unhealthy, or unlovable. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that this is your life, and no matter what your sexuality is you can find a way to pursue happiness, love, fulfillment and success. We can’t control how people feel about sexual diversity, but we can take strides to protect ourselves from feeling negatively judged by limiting the air time we give them, and focus our attention on building a life of positive self acceptance.

“Likability” has become the X factor that distinguishes people’s success at work as the American workforce grows increasingly competitive and diversified. Demonstrating a high level of likability goes beyond popularity, and is often cited as one of the most influential reasons behind promotion selection and leadership advancement within a company. The ability to come across as likable can lead to why co-workers and managers align with some people but not others. Likable people are more apt to be hired, earn a high level of trust and support from colleagues, and have their mistakes forgiven without injuring their credibility and reputation. A study of 133 managers at the University of Massachusetts found that if an employee is likable and gives a well-organized argument, managers tend to comply with their suggestions, even if they disagree and the employee lacks supporting evidence.

On the other hand, unlikable people are often unaware of how toxic they feel to others, seem to provoke a combative response in others, and over time, develop a reputation of being ‘hard to work with, or hard to work for’ even if they consistently demonstrate a high level of technical skill in their work role.

The ability to manage your emotions and remain steadfast and positive in stressful situations has a direct impact not only on your performance, but how likable you are to others. As tempting as it can be to find fault in others, taking on a non-confrontational problem-solving approach encourages people to work in tandem and collaborate with you rather than react in defensiveness and go into attack mode. A wise, highly successful manager once said to me “it’s never effective to make people feel wrong, even if they ARE wrong. Shaming people wastes time and energy and reduces morale- causing people to withdraw or retaliate rather than work to improve themselves.”

TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and found that 90% of high ranked performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of conflict in order to remain calm and in control. One of the greatest talents of likable people is their ability to neutralize difficult, unlikable people. They use their well-honed interpersonal skills to help disgruntled people feel supported, valued and useful to a team’s success, motivating them to cooperate with others. If left unchecked, poorly managed conflict and employee grid-lock will sink a company’s success rate fast.

There are various strategies that likable people use to win their co-worker’s trust, appreciation, and support at work. “Likability isn’t something you are born with, like charisma. It’s something you can learn,” says Ben Decker, chief executive officer of Decker Communications, San Francisco, a training and consulting firm. To establish lasting, positive connections with people (whether you like them or not), you’ll need an approach that feels authentic to your interpersonal style. Many clients in my executive coaching practice come in to elevate their emotional intelligence skills to complement their highly developed STEM technical skills. In the beginning, taking a different approach to interacting with others can feel difficult or artificial, but over time becomes easier to employ once you see the positive impact it has on your work relationships. Engaging in stable, positive interactions at work will always be easier to maintain than constantly navigating awkward or tense work relationships.

Actionable strategies to increase your likability at work:

Aim to communicate empathically with others. Negative, unlikable people can be draining when they exhibit hostile emotions without regard for how they’re affecting others. They aren’t focused on solutions because they feel unheard, and want someone to pay attention to their complaints. You can avoid coming across as insensitive or unconcerned by offering a few short, empathic statements to demonstrate you’ve listened. Help them see they’ve made an impact on your understanding of the issues they’ve raised, and you value their opinion. This form of active listening increases your likability because you’ve demonstrated an ability to tolerate other people’s emotional expressions without negating their experience. Even if you do not agree with them in the slightest, you’ve helped them move away from seeing you as personally contrary or combative. Their complaints are not being made to generate solutions at this moment in time, but rather to be heard by anyone who will listen. Refrain from sharing differences in opinion, which will only trigger a combative response style. Use phrases to help that person feel understood before ending the exchange amicably.

“This does sound like a big problem. I imagine it won’t be easily solved without some planning. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts on the situation, it’s helped me get some new perspectives. I’ll spend some time thinking about how to get the ball rolling in the right direction.”

“I think this is a really important issue too. I want to give it the time and attention it deserves. Now that I’ve heard your take on it, I feel like I can see how it’s affecting people differently.”

“This problem has been hard for a lot of people, but especially you, based on what you’re saying. It seems like you’re doing the best you can, given the circumstances.”

If ultimately it’s your job to generate actionable solutions to the problems they’ve shared with you, it’s better to give yourself time to strategize, gather information, resources and support to optimize your plan of action rather than to engage in a reactive dialogue that won’t generate lasting solutions, and likely only provoke negative responses.

2. Make time for small talk. Positive relationships are born from sharing benign personal details. Showing genuine interest in others makes you likable. As someone who’s naturally chatty (with a personality style well suited to being a highly interactive coach versus a traditionally unobtrusive psychotherapist) I always enjoy helping people learn and practice the art of small talk. Likable people make time to exchange simple personal reflections on topics that most people can relate to- favorite past times or culinary tastes, seasonal or local happenings. Small talk is a time to compare mutual commonalities with the intent of learning something new about a person. Sharing parts of yourself through small talk helps people feel familiar and comfortable with you and develop a sense of who you are outside of your work role. I believe there are a few basic rules of thumb to successfully initiate and respond to others during small talk conversations. These mini exchanges (think 5 -1o minutes) build upon each other over time, and eventually can segue into more in-depth conversations that are mutually interesting and enjoyable.

Be willing to initiate a circumstantially relevant conversation (for example seeing someone enjoy a cup of coffee/tea is a good time to ask what they prefer, then share some small personal details about your own caffeine habits, add some novel experiences if you can to keep it from being too mundane). Pay attention to the amount that they share and aim to match it, then expand a bit more. Find out if there’s anything you can learn from them based on what they share.

Be responsive to people when they make an effort to begin a small talk conversation with you, and be inclusive of others whenever possible. Even if you’re having a hectic day, take time to convey you appreciate their conversational gesture and try to refrain from saying how busy/rushed you feel. If you really are counting on every spare minute that day, let them know you want to come back to chat with them a bit later, and make a point to follow up in some small way the next time you see them.

Ask a few people who know you well (family members, room mates, close friends) how they’ve seen you engage in small talk and ask for candid feedback. What have they observed in your conversational style that works well? What might be misinterpreted? Consider any reoccurring themes with the intention of ongoing improvement so that others have easy, enjoyable exchanges with you.

3. Pay attention to what tends to lighten people’s mood, what puts a smile on people’s faces or brings people out of their shell. A few seconds of generosity with your energy can instantly warm people and makes you endearing to others. I’ve had clients tell me they struggle to connect with people they have very little in common with, especially across genders. If you’ve ever paid close attention to someone who’s incredibly likable, you’ll see their charm often comes from a willingness to admit to not knowing much about something that someone else has a talent for- they’ll make light of this difference and find a way to joke about being less fashion savvy, less gadget knowledgable or less organized than a fellow co-worker. Complimentary teasing, when done subtly and with genuine appreciation for someone else’s strengths is a fun, positive way to connect to others and increase your likability.

4. Keep close tabs on your mood, and get in the habit of making micro-adjustments to sustain your comfort, stamina, peace of mind, and sense of humor. Top performers understand how even the smallest differences in our mood can shape our response style and influence our ability to be creative, proactive and solution focused, and patient with unlikable people and complex problems. You’ll want to aspire beyond healthy eating and good sleep hygiene and understand what additional influences can tip your mood in the right or wrong direction. I recently sat next to Silicon Vally venture capitalist Tim Draper during a fundraiser luncheon for non-profit organization BizWorld.org. He shared with me a few secrets to his success, including the importance of understanding and managing what influences your mood and energy level, taking extra precaution before going into high stakes meetings, public performances, or making paramount decisions with long term consequences. By learning what helps you sustain your best mood, you’ll not only increase your likability and performance level, but serve as an inspiration to others who see you gliding through life with more ease and less stress.

create a varied and personalized list of self-care strategies and implement them routinely into your daily schedule. (The list should range by category, e.g. time required, ease of access, supplies needed)

learn when to pass on extra curricular activities, social events and spending time with people that drain your energy and mood during times you’ll need to rely on your best performance ability

invest in resources that help you streamline domestic tasks that take up precious time and energy- whenever possible and affordable outsource tedious household chores so you can invest your time and energy on making career gains and positive social developments.

5. Keep your eyes on the big picture and don’t sweat the small stuff. The most likable people find a way to not let minor annoyances become obstacles to their success, and train their brain to notice positivity, hope, generosity, kindness, improvement and teamwork. They are comfortable using trial and error, steer clear of perfectionistic or overly-idealistic expectations, keep their goals realistic, recognize growth and gains in themselves and others, and manage to find the silver lining in the most challenging circumstances. Practice. Then practice some more. These are all tactics that take time to develop and can become staples in helping you become more likable and effective in your life and work goals.

With the Trump administration ahead of us, many Americans will witness or receive hate-filled comments meant to devalue, belittle and shame anyone who is demographically different. The major uptick in hate crimes dates back toward the end of 2015, which corresponds with Donald Trump’s call for a ban on Muslims entering the United States. Since the presidential election results came in, national news and social media sites have already begun documenting a new surge of confrontational hate-mongering behaviors aimed at racial/ethnic/sexual/religious minorities. Generally speaking, the most important response to hate mongering is to ensure one’s physical safety first and foremost. This article is not meant to provide guidance on physical or legal protection tactics, but rather outlines the most accurate and effective way to emotionally immunize yourself to this type of ignorance. You don’t have to get your feelings hurt. You don’t have to feel the blow of belittlement when ignorant remarks are flung at you. You don’t have to feel insulted or devalued. In fact, when someone says or does something racist/misogynistic/etc, it’s an instant opportunity to recognize the disposition and circumstances surrounding the offender. You will know immediately that this person is experiencing one or more of the following:

People who feel compelled to point out their categorical superiority to others based on race/gender/religion/sexual orientation differences often do so because they feel a deep sense of resentment about not feeling good enough about themselves. (They will vehemently argue that nothing could be further from the truth, but there is something called the subconscious (part of the mind of which one is not fully aware but which influences one’s actions and feelings) and it is working furiously in overtime to correct low self-worth.) By actively engaging in a game of “I’m better than these people” (through various verbal or behavioral acts) they can give themselves a short-lived burst of much-needed self confidence. It quickly dissipates, so they often choose to surround themselves with like-minded people so they can commiserate and boost each other up through mutually insulting group outsiders.

People need to blame and find fault in whole categories of people out of fear: when older regions of the brain dominate a person’s cognitive style, more complex intellectual processing is superseded, limiting more complex comprehension of circumstances surrounding their perceived ‘problems’. Attempting to solve one’s problems by persecuting a whole group of people in a scapegoat fashion is usually a tell-tale sign of shortsightedness that does not result in lasting solutions. Failed solutions often leads to increased blaming and anger. It’s a vicious cycle which some people remain stuck in, and then pass on to others as a narrow worldview.

The bottom line is, people who are effective and successful in pursuing their life goals, feel a sense of personal resourcefulness, and are benefiting from genuinely loving relationships do not need to actively engage in hate-mongering and devaluing/disrespecting whole groups of people. There is no need to assert oneself as superior at the expense of other’s basic rights, to the contrary, they enjoy embracing a spirit of generosity because they can afford to give and share without feeling threatened. Being chronically unhappy does not give way to hate-mongering behaviors, but there’s a good chance they are prone to certain habits that perpetuate their own unhappiness.

That said, people who feel compelled to a seek momentary boost of self-importance through hate-mongering in the name of Trump support or otherwise, are likely doing so because they don’t feel adequately important enough in the world, prefer to indulge in overly simplified, fear-based solutions to their problems (or are less intellectually equipped or compelled to grasp more a complex understanding), and see anyone different than themselves as a threat to their well-being and/or way of life. The last thing you should feel is slighted by someone else’s irrational fears and ignorant solutions to protecting and improving their station in life.Recognize the pattern as something that has ensnared them, not you.

Move forward by choosing to focus on the positive aspects of your own life rather than toil in the negativity that someone else is stewing in. Stay true to your core beliefs and values. You may feel discouraged and understandably frustrated with the influence of Trump’s hateful rhetoric that has emboldened some people to lash out against America’s longstanding value of inclusion. The point is, you need not allow those people’s efforts to bring you down and keep you there.

I want to begin this piece by sharing how challenging it can be for me to understand the underpinnings of American masculinity as an American woman of color. I feel stumped sometimes in helping men navigate their career development and enhance their interpersonal relationships, particularly as it relates to their masculine identity. I have a deep sense of curiosity and motivation to understand the perspectives of all my clientele. Public figures can also also stir my intellectual curiosity, especially when similar issues are cropping up among those I’m helping in my coaching practice. I write as a way to synthesize the research and consultation I do with professional colleagues and members of various social groups to increase my understanding of people. By improving my understanding of how men operate within their gender framework, I can more effectively support their goals for happiness and professional achievement while respecting their values and world view.

Donald Trump’s entire public life provides a rich opportunity to examine how male gender expression, at it’s extreme, can lead to a toxic crisis in masculine identity. In this article I’d like to set aside drawing conclusions about his potential to effectively lead as President of The United States of America. Why? Just imagine for a moment, what it would be like to work alongside Donald Trump. You see, as difficult as it may be, his colleagues must aim to reserve judgment in order to collaborate and meet professional goals along side him. If we can we understand Donald Trump’s masculine identity, surely we can learn something about the gender confines that men face in getting their needs met as they strive for fulfillment and achievement. Why is this important? Trump reflects the toxic side of American masculinity, and if we don’t take a close look at how and why toxicity develops and festers within male culture, we can’t begin to stop it from infecting others in small or large ways in men everywhere.

Imagine for a moment, a four way street intersection, where gas fueling stations are housed on each of the four corners. At each fueling station, you can ‘fill up your tank’ on:

Physical Aggression/Strength/Athleticism

Money/Influence of Financial Wealth

Control/Influence Upon Others (at work or in personal relationships)

Sexual Prowess and Virility/Sexual Satisfaction

These four fueling stations can be seen as representing the most traditional, socially acceptable, even socially celebrated opportunities for men to fuel their sense of masculinity. Whether or not you personally agree with this, the vast majority of American men are measured by others against these four standards of traditional masculinity at various points in their life. While men also aim for other forms of achievement (e.g. intellectual development, family life development, practice of religious faith) those strivings aren’t typically seen as embodying strength of masculinity in and of themselves. Traditional masculine-affirming pursuits do not have to be at the expense of other’s rights, take on a quality of malicious manipulation and oppression, or require a man to rely on them as his sole means for fulfillment. Masculine identity serves men best when it allows space for them to thrive in these traditional areas should they choose, but also allows them ample space to enrich their lives through other areas of fulfillment and connectivity.

Would it benefit men to consider seeking fulfillment from a wide range of areas in their life? Particularly for those who’ve already experienced objectively high levels of achievement through these traditional areas, and are still unhappy/unsatisfied. Why not pivot and diversify? See if some other areas of personal development could help you feel better/more fulfilled for the long term?” Toxicity can take root in a man’s masculine identity if he gets stuck searching for fulfillment from these 4 traditional areas of masculinity. In Donald Trump’s case, he keeps going back for more and more – all of his accomplishments are no longer getting him that desired high, so he keeps upping the ante. This particular phenomenon of toxic masculinity is socially destructive when public figures like Donald Trump effectively normalize misogyny, sexism, racism and xenophobia.

While many American men aspire to experience some degree of his accomplishments in the areas of wealth, power, influence, access and opportunity with beautiful women, it’s important to underscore that these gains alone may very well NOT lead to the level of fulfillment and happiness one might imagine. Encouraging a more well-rounded sense of masculine identity, one that allows room for pursuits that go beyond the traditional male gender constructs will increase men’s opportunity for lasting and balanced happiness. Research by Levant reveals healthy aspects of masculinity might actually protect and improve men’s health. These healthy aspects of masculinity include:

Aiming to grow and diversify oneself in these key areas can help men achieve lasting personal fulfillment beyond traditional masculine pursuits for success. Each are common goals I work on with the high-achieving men in my executive coaching practice. Many have shared with me how rewarding it feels to build upon what they’ve already mastered and thrive in these important life aspirations.