Fear

Monday, March 25, 2013

Today is day 34 of my current streak!

Its time to admit a few things to myself. I have to own up to the fact that I have not been giving my best effort for a while now. I've been doing the bare minimum needed in order to stay on track and keep my streak going. I've been doing enough to maintain, but I haven't been doing enough to make progress towards my goal of being a size 10.

I know I'm capable of doing so much more. But for the past few months, I have been struggling with fear. What am I afraid of? I am afraid of reaching my goal!

That might not make a whole lot of sense to you. After all, I've been working hard since March of last year, and I've lost 71 lbs. I've gained muscle, stamina and strength. I have gone from struggling through a 15 minute workout to being able to workout for 60 to 90 minutes a day. I've progressed from barely being able to do step touches and grapevines, to being able to do DDP Yoga, cardio kickboxing, beginners kettlebell and more.

I've not only lost weight, but I've gotten firmer and more toned. I am healthier than I've been since I was in my 30's. (I'm almost 52 now.) I have moved down from a size 3X t shirt to a size Large. I've gone from wearing stretch pants to wearing jeans that actually button and zip.

But for the past few months, I have not gone down anymore in my clothing size. I have not been pushing myself to make progress. I've just been doing the bare minimum needed in order to keep me right where I am, without gaining or losing.

When I first started this journey last year, I really PUSHED myself every day. I was never satisfied with doing "just enough." I always expected more and more from myself. But the closer I got to my goal size, the less I pushed myself. Was it laziness or complacency? No...it was fear!

Its so scary to think about reaching a size 10. I was there a few years ago, and although in a lot of ways it was pure awesomeness to be at my goal, it was also terrifying. I felt so small and vulnerable. I felt exposed to the world. I no longer had my extra weight to hide behind. And I felt like everyone was watching me every single time I ate. I felt judged, and I felt like people were just waiting for me to gain the weight back. I felt so much pressure!

And when I did gain the weight back, it was heartbreaking...and comforting. I felt like I was back to being my "real" self. I was able to be invisible and ignored again, and that was what I was used to.

But I don't want to be the invisible woman anymore. I don't want to be trapped in an unhealthy body ever again! I've worked so hard, and I am proud of how far I've come since last year, but I know I still have a lot further to go. I'm so tired of letting fear hold me back from being all that I know I can be. I'm going to work through this, and I'm going to do my very best to start making progress again. It won't be easy, but I think that admitting my fear is the first step towards moving past it. I'm ready to start working harder to reach my goal.

Sometimes for reasons we don't really understand we sabotage ourselves and it is heartbreaking. You can do it and you are right.. it is soooo worth it. Keep taking baby steps and with your new healthy habits you can make it permanent. All the best, Rhonda

FEAR...I have discovered that I was using weight to justify rejection. I have not only had to learn to change my body but to change how I react to how people perceive me. I too have a fear of loosing weight. I have discovered that my fear is in being rejected as a person. This is seeded from my early childhood and is an issue I am dealing with now. I have had to learn to like myself and in doing so I am able to let go of my safety net...being over weight. I have value as a person and not everyone will see me the way I see me. I am learning to be me, the person God created me to be; not the person other people think I should be or want me to be.

I want to do the HAPPY dance: One dance for you and you courageous sharing in your blogs, And a second one for everyone else who has read this blog took it heart and plan to keep on reaching and attaining the goals we strive to achieve.... HUGS... Thank you.

What a great inspiration to begin this cold snowy morning...I am trying to find out what my own fears are.We have alot in common, 70 pounds lost for me since May....and then a broken foot sidelned me for the last 2 months...my fear right now is not being able to continue, and sliding back into bad habits, which I have.But am pulling myself back out and now am focusing on strength instead of cardio, maintaining where I am instead of worrying about what I cant...This has just been a little setback, not the end.And I wonder, ohhhhh how I wonder, if I will ever see a size 10, or even a size 14 for that matter...70 pounds for me has only resulted in 2 pants sizes, 2 shirt sizes, although I can now wear a mens large tshirt, xlarge is just more comfortable though....one day, one day really soon...good luck conquering and overcoming your fears and keep pushing on....

You are not alone in how you feel. I completely relate to what you are saying. Fear has caused by to regain weight every time I have lost it. I am so afraid of being thin, drawing too much attention to myself and afraid of all the expectations and judgement. Being invisible is so much easier but it makes me unhappy. The trick is to find the balance. If you ever figure that out, let me know - I'm not there yet! Thanks so much for sharing.

Wonderful, awesome blog! This hits a chord, and reminds me to do it anyway. Fear cannot win this game. You deserve to be your most awesome self - and you will get past this fear. Wishing you the best - and I'm there with ya!!

Thank you so much for sharing. It helps me to read this. Something similar happened to me about 3 years ago. I lost 20 pounds, and I realized how much I still held back in my Turbo Kick class. When I started giving it my all, it's like I scared myself with my own strength, ability and endurance, and I quit shortly after. Plus I gained the weight back and haven't lost any since then. I am going to think about this and get my fear manageable and start taking care of my wonderful self. Thank you.

This was so encouraging to me. I have also found that I am more comfortable being invisible that every time someone notices I've lost weight I sabotage myself by gaining the weight right back and then some. At least being self-aware means you are more likely to get through this. Realize all that exercise is making you strong, no matter how small you are. Keep up the good work!

Your blog really resonated with me. Doing the bare minimum to prevent weight gain describes me to a T. Fear of others' expectations is part of it, but for me there is more. I really just love the taste of desserts and anything with butter and I have come to the conclusion over the past few weeks that it is my drug of choice! So my next step is to figure out why I feel I need that and what healthier options I can use to replace it. I really liked that last picture "I will beat her" and have printed it out. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us....it is just what I needed to hear this morning.Kathy

REALLY appreciated this blog at this time! Well done, very thought provoking. I think you hit the nail on the head. Losing weight is a mind game above all else. When we adjust our thoughts, our actions follow.

Thank you for sharing. Admitting we are afraid - is very brave.I believe I know a little about how you feel. I too have struggled with reaching my goals. When I have reached my goals; running a big race that I had trained for; finally reaching my goal weight; what ever that goal is - it hasn't always been as joyous as I thought it would be. There are responsibilities that come with reaching your goals. All of a sudden people begin to look to you for answers. That in itself can be scary. What makes you think I know what I am talking about? It was just luck wasn't it? No it was hard work and dedication- hey maybe we do have something we can share!

Great blog! You made me realize that I'm not working hard enough too. I do good on my exercise, but I"m not so good on my eating. I just don't take the time to get a good meal. Maybe I should try to start a streak of my own. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. Good luck!

It makes sense to me that if your body has been one way for a long time you would be comfortable with it, even if you wanted to change it. When you've been in your "new" body for long enough, you will learn to love it completely. Once hitting goal weight, I think there's always the fear of going back up and considering yourself a failure. You are a success. Way to go!

Go ahead. Take the time to adjust. Spend some time working on that adjustment. You are doing MORE than losing weight or getting physically healthy. You are creating a new you, any way you look at it.

PS: I love Martha Beck (1st poster in your blog).I first though the chalkboard referred to her book: FINDING YOUR WAY IN A WILD NEW WORLD. I realize it's a quote from a different person. So have you read her book? How are you "fitting" in to this wild new world you are creating?

Pixie, I feel as though I could have written this. I too am 52, was a size 6 9 years ago, but almost happy to gain it back to become invisible again...People don't see fat people.. we don't get noticed. I hear you and struggle right along with you!Keeping you in my thoughts.

I know exactly what you are talking about,having been a fat kid,with glasses WOWI was "hiding" behind my glasses , I lost the weight in my late teens, (kept the glasses)as i got older i develeoped a thyroid problem, gained the weight and more back.Well I lost almost all of the weight ,still wearing glasses,and sometimes hidingbehind them.Having lived with a "shield" for so long it is hard to let go.I think we can do it

knowing what and why is stopping you is over half the battle.now you know what you are up against and what to do about it so no excuses.remember we all have your back here and we all know you have it in you love so just do it.