I am a thousand percent sure my father has it, misdiagnosed as "PTSD" from a war he was barely involved in. (He was in the Army Band. PTSD. Are you kidding me?) Now, I'm serving, and I've begun to notice a severe change in the last six months.

I've read up on the illness, and everything involved in it sounds like me. I've consulted with friends, and they say wow, all of that does sound a lot like you. I was always okay with feeling different, and then, like I said, six months ago, things started escalated. I started getting what I thought were anxiety attacks, and the only thing that made me feel better was punching myself in the head with the heel of my hand, sometimes until I gave myself blinding headaches. I still do it when I get really stressed, and I still break out.

All of the other symptoms have been there almost as a precondition of my life. Like I said, I'm in the military, and I don't know what to do. I've always let my mind wander to thoughts of suicide, but when things got particularly bad last month, I made up my mind that I was going to kill myself and even plotted the way to do it. I wanted to make it look like an accident so my parents could get my life insurance money.

I've been a bitter disappointment to them all my life. I've been caught in a constant struggle between what they want for me and what I want, and every time I've ended up satisfying neither criteria.

I'm afraid that if I continue my military service, I will harm myself in a lasting way, or that I may harm someone else by mistake. I'm in a leadership position, and I can no longer carry on as a liability.

Are there resources for me independent of my local unit? Can I check into a VA hospital or a mental health clinic on a military facility? What are my options? Thanks.

I have broken at least a dozen laptops and six phones in the last three years. When they don't work properly, I have an emotional response that I just can't help. I will typically slam them on the floor and crush them with a hammer.

I definitely have the unstable and intense relationships problem. I say "I love you" way too early, and I mean it, and when I'm rejected or even not appreciated or loved back with the same intensity, I write the person off in half a second.

Identity disturbance is a major issue. I have no grasp whatsoever on who I am or where I'm going in life.

Don't know what to tell you besides see a doctor, it seems like medical counsel would be helpful. There are prescription drugs that help with this kind of stuff, but other than that I don't really know what to say.

I hope you get things sorted out, best wishes anonymous internet friend.

If you feel like you might be in physical danger, go to the ER or call 911 immediately.

If you are active military, you might want to talk to your CO if you feel comfortable doing so. At least ask him/her about the medical options you have on base.

Stop researching mental illnesses by yourself. Bring up any concerns you have with a doctor or psychologist and let the professionals do the work. Ironically learning about conditions outside of therapy can lessen its efficacy.

Discuss and form a treatment plan WITH your doctor/psychologist. Make sure that you understand and agree with any/all parts of the plan. Stick to that plan!

I'm truly sorry about your disappointments regarding yourself and your conflicts with your parents. There is not likely going to be any easy way out of these matters in the long run, in general. But with regards to your specific situation, I would strongly suggest you leave your current position, because the military is NOT A stress-free environment by any means. Many desk jobs are much simpler and have no one yelling at you at any time.

You do not need any more stress at this point. Having to hit your own head physically to calm yourself is horrific to me. You gotta bring that frequency down to absolutely zero ASAP by reducing as many stressors as you can, and probably following up with possible BPS treatments that you can find.

You're very humble (a good, rare trait) to be able to acknowledge that you may have such a condition! Following up with it and deal with it. As contrary as your current thoughts may temporarily lead you to believe: Your life is worth far more than life insurance.

If you're active duty, you can just go to the hospital/clinic on base and talk to someone there about it. I'm not sure if you're already connected with the VA, but you can always call and ask a service officer if you are eligible for (mental health) services or not. I don't know if active duty military can use the VA or not, but I've heard that reserve or National Guard can. Don't quote me on that, though.

That is an admin sep. In your psych eval they will determine if you have misconduct (truancy) which will go as a black mark on your record as a OTH discharge. Safety first! Seek help from medical, not your COC. Your HIPAA will be violated. Google anything I mentioned that you are unfamiliar with.