Dear DA, Once I again, I’m the victim of the patriarchy. It’s ageism, pure and simple. They say I’m too young and I don’t know anything, but I’ve learned a few tricks from them. You may have noticed my new “glasses girl” look. Men are all perverts. If you’re a cute girl, anything you do is a fetish. If I ate a banana, I’d be “banana girl.” As “glasses girl”, I’m a double-whammy. I look smarter, and I’m also a fetish. People are pretty stupid to begin with, but if you sexually distract them, they become dumber than marionettes. As myself, I’m already a force to be reckoned with, but as “glasses girl”, I just might be unstoppable. Also, can you believe the nerve of that bitch Laura Ingraham trying to tell me how to pronounce my own fucking name? I’m not some pretentious hipster saying “Barthelona” instead of “Barcelona”,… Read more

Dear Jesus and Satan, As a devout evangelical Christian, I take the word of God literally. And God made Donald Trump president. That’s how a democracy works. So I take the word of Trump literally, or at least as a literal interpretation of God’s will. So automatically, whatever he says or does is what’s best for America. Because God. So whatever I say or do on his behalf, no matter how contradictory, inflammatory, or outright false, is actually a higher truth. I would ask why some Americans don’t get this, but I already know. It’s because they’re heathens. They haven’t had the evangelical training that I have, so they don’t understand God’s logic, and this frustrates me because God’s logic is so simple I can sum it up in two words: Because God. Why is abortion bad? Because God. Why should Americans have the right to unlimited firepower? Because God.… Read more

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