Lifestyle

Quiz: How much eye contact is everyone else doing?

What is a normal amount of eye contact? How much is everyone else doing? When did all these socially-adept people learn what an appropriate length was? Where was I when all this was agreed?!

Yep, your anxieties are valid: you have probably been doing eye contact completely wrong this whole time. But how wrong? Take this quick quiz to find out exactly how badly you’ve been messing up this supposedly innate form of non-verbal communication.

You’re at a job interview. How much eye contact do you make with your interviewer?

A) Avoid looking at them at all costs. One glance up, your eyes will betray you and the interviewer will know instantly that the GCSE results you claimed on your CV are nothing but lies.

B) Much like when confronted with a lion, for best chances of survival, make direct eye contact and don’t break it under any circumstances. Don’t even blink. Blinking is a sign of weakness. Who would employ someone who doesn’t have complete mastery of their own lids? Nobody, that’s who!

C) It’s good to make eye contact, but feel free to glance away occasionally, to look at your notes for example, or when making a pensive ‘thinking face’ while contemplating the answer to a question.

You’re on the bus and make eye contact with a stranger’s baby. What’s the right response?

A) It’s clear from the intense, blank stare this tiny little proto-human is piercing you with, that it’s attempting to curse you. Keep your eyes tightly shut and get off at the next stop.

B) Who do they think they are? You’re an adult and they are but a mere baby. Stare intently back until they look away first, thus conceding to your superiority.

A) Eye contact? Are you joking? When it comes to relationships, the secret to longevity is never seeing your partner’s cum face.

B) This is an intimate moment, a time at which your partner is their least guarded. Use it as an opportunity to look deep into their eyes and see if you can discern any secrets hidden in the dark crevices of their soul.

C) Eye contact is a good way of checking in with your partner and making sure you’re both on the same page. Good sex is all about communication!

MOSTLY As: You’re doing it wrong.

MOSTLY Bs: You’re doing it very wrong.

MOSTLY Cs: You’re actually doing it pretty well. Congrats on being a socially functioning human being. Now leave the rest of us to our misery!

"Your daughter shows an aptitude for reading and writing, but can get wriggly during carpet time" was what Billie Cooper's year two teacher wrote on her report card back in 1997. In her 26-year existence, no combination of words have gotten closer to articulating the essence of Billie's soul.