Ever wanted to be in charge? Well, in my own little world I will be, one day. Just not quite yet. I'm a bit tired at the moment... maybe I'll take over after I've had my little nap.
The United Dingdom - stating the bleeding obvious so you don't have to.
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Wednesday, 7 September 2016

No Matter

Well, I have to say we’ve been having a simply torrid
time just lately. Jocasta and I had been rummaging around in the offence drawer
for something to be angry about on somebody else’s behalf and just when we
thought we’d found something really rather special it turns out that some other
white people ruined it for us. I mean, that’s despicable and entirely typical
of the type of privileged white meddlers in business that is none of theirs.
You see, Jocasta and I – Peregrine, by the way, charmed, I’m sure – are
professionals and it is utterly sine qua
non that these matter are left to people like ourselves who know how to
handle them.

Now, it’s not that
climate change isn’t racist, you understand, because it undeniably is, it’s
just that those... people... those soi-disantwhite allies at the airport were being a little bit racist themselves. You see,
in doing the bidding of the black lives matter chappies, they were guilty of
cultural appropriation; they don’t realise just how insulting it must be for
black people to use whites to do their bidding unpaid. It was positively ghastly;
slavery is not satire, you know? And don’t take our word for it – just look
what other black people think of them. And that pony tail? So nineties, pur-lease!

Now when J and I were doing our PhD – I say ours as we
did it jointly – in ‘Intersectional Race and Gender Protocol Anomalies and
their Impact on Oppositional Movements in the Societal Continuum of Class Struggle in the Twenty-First Century’, we learned to our cost not to help black
folk. They are a proud and noble people but more trouble than they are worth;
we say this because we care. Anyway, don’t get involved; they don’t like it and
you may well end up getting yourself stabbed. It’s all in the dissertation.

Should you call us ‘doctor’, you ask? Well, perhaps not just
yet, the old ‘dissie’ is with our supervisor; he told us it may take a while to
make a decision.... although now you mention it, it has been since 2013. Anyway,
the jolly old race game is old hat now; classic supply and demand. There’s been
such an over-supply of nouveau racism
now that everybody is doing it, it’s time to move on. So this morning, over our
home-made quinoa, tempeh and sun-dried tomato breakfast bake, drizzled with liquid
aminos and sprinkled with chia seeds (yum!) we hit on a simply super new crusade.

We hate it when rich people

culturally appropriate poor people's problems.

Every year, a disproportionate number of uneducated, poor
people from under-privileged neighbourhoods are driven to drink through
ignorance and easy access to benefits. They suffer a higher rate of premature
death than even we highly educated vegans through cumulative liver damage. And
being white, they often don’t get the help they need, on account of the
sensitivity with which interfering with their culture is viewed in society...
or the possibility of being knifed. So, we aim to tackle the matter at
source; we are off to chain ourselves to the gates of the Guinness Brewery.
You can support us and see our progress on the hashtag #BlackLiversMatter.