Butch4Butch

Date was ok. I mean it was good, I don’t know about our chemistry. When we initially met I kind of knew she was butch, but no one assumes gender anymore, at least not in my circles, and I didn’t want to even assume her pronouns were she. But she definitely is a butch lesbian woman identified person. She/her. Anyway, I didn’t know if it was a date, I think it was though. She was nice. A little rough around the edges in a kind of cavalier butch way. She primarily is attracted to other butches. And I didn’t want to let it slip that I’ve been dating femmes for 20 years, but obviously it’s been a long damn time since I dated a butch and I don’t even remember how to flirt with one. She was interesting and had good stories and was open about her background and some of her past relationships. The parts that got iffy were her aversion to S/M and some erotica I used to really love. But to each their own, and when she told me exactly WHY she had an aversion to S/M I totally understood. She somehow stumbled on some heavy hardcore players who do shit I would never dream of doing and it turned her stomach and made her leave. So since then she’s been deeply suspicious of sadists. And to be honest so am I, I always wanted someone dominant, but pure sadism was like, ugh. No.

Anyway, she was wearing this kind of slouchy toque and a bunnyhug, the most casual butch gear I’ve ever seen. We started at the gay bookstore and then Jessie and I’s Mutual Friend turned up there and kind of smiled too big at us and I was like thinking “omg don’t embarrass me” but she left us alone. There was some event happening there, some sexy stories night. Jane was super turned off by sexy stories of women with men. Which I found so old school dyke. Like, I never was a gold star lesbian. And there’s some grey areas in my sexuality where I’ve fooled around with guys and had an alright time. But I always fell in love and had crushes and was attracted specifically to women. So identifying as a lesbian is just me. But some lesbians are almost performative about being grossed out by penis and I find it kind of tiresome. It’s on par with gay men being performative about hating vulvas. ANYWAY, she wasn’t SUPER bad about it, but it was also like, she probably would have appreciated the days of lesbian communes. Not to be mean to her, I just got a feeling she is very LESBIAN and I normally date bisexual femmes so it’s just unusual for me. She’s not my usual type.

And I do like her. I think she has a cute smile. She’s very honest and open. She wasn’t really flirty but she did talk about ex girlfriends and sex and stuff. Which I guess can be flirty. I do want to see her again. I just want to get to know her. She might just turn into a friend. But she is interesting. She’s a lawyer. Not working right now because of health issues, but that’s what she does.

I didn’t bring up ALL my stuff. I didn’t mention my eggs in the freezer and wanting a baby. I didn’t mention a lot about my future or how much I want to love someone who loves me back. I did talk about my career and play parties and stuff, I mean in a back and forth way cause she talked about that too. She doesn’t drink much, which is good for me. She’s very sweet and thoughtful and checked in with me when she told me something intense and I didn’t know what to say.

I dunno. I am gonna see her again hopefully. I hope I can put aside my baffled feelings about dating another butch. It’s just like, if you were a guy who dated women your whole life and loved women and then suddenly went on a date with another guy and wanted to give him a chance but didn’t know if you liked other guys. That’s how I feel! I feel almost like I could be her bro, even tho I hate butch bro culture. But I am NOT used to seeing butches as sexy except for being sexy for femmes. Like in an almost narcissistic admiration of how butches can get femme dates. Oh man this must sound so weird to people reading this who aren’t queer or know nothing of butch/femme. BUT IT’S WEIRD!

I HAVE had a butch girlfriend before, when I was 19, and she was awesome and hot and I loved her intensely. But that was 20 years ago. And I’ve dated some exceptionally high femmes since then. And even Jessie, who I’ve got this tragic toxic love for for the last year and a half, she was totally my usual type. Smart and funny bisexual high femme. It sounds so specific and yet I’ve found so many and I almost don’t want to let that dynamic go. I don’t know who I would be if I wasn’t dating a femme. It’s a real mind fuck.

But also Jane has this fucking adorable smile. I don’t know. I need to give life a chance to surprise me.