Shady advice from a raging bitch who has no business answering any of these questions.

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On the relationships section

Lately I’ve been trying to form a cohesive opinion on a topic and I could use your help. During my twenties I read a few dozen relationship advice books. Many of these books advise women to wait a specific amount of time before having sex because 1. Women get emotionally attached too quickly and 2. Men will not respect you if you have sex with them right away. I think these women and men need to grow the fuck up. I don’t wait to have sex, and I haven’t had codependent issues or disrespect in my relationships. I can understand why people would say to wait to have sex with a guy if you want a relationship. That is probably good advice for some women, but I just don’t know if it is the right advice. What do you think?

A few dozen relationship advice books? No, no. You mean you read all the relationship advice books. This kind of shit drives me crazy.

You wasted a lot of time and even more money soaking up whatever bullshit Dr. Phil was selling that week. What has it gotten you? Not a god damned thing.

You’re still trying to form a cohesive opinion about the most basic relationship topic, and honestly, if you’ve been reading my shit for more than a month you would already know exactly how I feel.

Tell you what, though. I’m gonna do you a favor. I’m still gonna give you some advice. It’s probably the first piece of good advice you’ve ever gotten, and the last piece of right advice you’ll ever need:

Stay the fuck out of the Barnes and Noble Relationships section. Men are not from Mars, women are not from Venus, and our granddaughters will one day look back over “The Rules” and wonder how we ever lived with ourselves.

If it seems self-reflexively weird that an advice columnist would tell you to stop listening to advice, please consider the source. I’m not selling anything over here, least of all permission to validate your middle-class, middle-minded, middle-American ethos for $13.99 in paperback.

I’m glad you’re in the book store and all, but for fuck’s sake, keep on walking. You’ll find what you want in other sections, babe. Philosophy, History, Women’s Studies, Psychology & Psychotherapy, and of course, whatever you do, don’t forget to visit Fiction and Literature.