Monday, October 06, 2008

Got up and ran this morning before work. I hate it so much. Because I love it so much. The difference in my day is tangible.

Anyway.

I warn anyone in advance that to read this book “The Spirit of Disobedience” while you’re going through a mid-life, mid-work, mid-crisis is either the dumbest idea ever, or the greatest idea ever. I love it when books happen to me.

I deeply recognize myself in this quote from Thoreau:

“The greater part of what my neighbors call good I believe in my soul to be bad, and if I repent of anything, it is very likely to be my good behavior. What demon possessed me that I have behaved so well.”

Yeesh.

This book is all about discounting our modern day politics, our modern day work ethic and our modern day agriculture. And it comes at a time when my instinct is to toss all those modern day bullshits to the far end of the ocean. Where I question every single day what it is I am contributing to the world, when I question every day why it is I get up to go to my job, when my life and my world don't happen to exist in this office.

I have been such a good girl my whole life. Granted, I never finished college but I tried, oh lord how I tried. And when I didn’t finish, I knew I had to go to work. And when I went to work I tried my best to be good at it, even though I never really was. And with each job I got frustrated with and left, I walked right into another “assistant” position, because my greatest wish was to shy away from responsibility. I love the position of “assistant”, there is no responsibility there, you come at 8, you leave at 5 and nothing comes home with you, not like bosses, they have responsibility…and overtime.

My biggest rebellion in my life has been to shun responsibility, so as to keep my time after 5PM my own. Big whoop.

But what I gain from corporate capitalism is a deeper sense of consumerism. And what I gain from consumerism lends itself to jealousy, worry and fear.

What demon has possessed me that I have behaved so well? In a family of what seems to be creative rebels, I have stifled every inch of “bad” so that I can protect my rented apartment and my flat screen TV.Argh.

What would the world look like if the Hixx behaved “badly?” If I decided today I wasn’t playing anymore, if instead I took the advice of the author and decided to “Misbehave. Make something beautiful. Try to win.”