I am distressed by the notion that the free market’s solution to fiscal insolvency these days seems to be “Sell ourselves to the government!”

In the past month, we’ve seen the Fed bail out Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, and AIG. There are signs that the Automotive industry will be next, followed by the Airline industry. This troubles me deeply, being the free-marketeer that I am. It is all predicated on this “too big to fail” notion that, by it’s very language, implies that there exist somewhere a population of organizations that must be “insignificant enough to fail.” I would love to see that list.

Since we, as taxpayers, seem to be getting into the business of business, I posit that we should also be allowed to enjoy the benefits of business. By this I of course mean getting free tickets and swag to corporate sponsored events; let us begin this list anon:

1) We all clearly should be in possession of tickets to any and all Manchester United games. Credit to my friend Tommy for pointing this out to me.

2) Ditto goes for passes to the Breeders’ Cup. As AIG had the vision to sign this (presumably) multi-million dollar deal on the day they were collapsing, I submit to you that we all should all be allowed to actually ride the horses.

3) Can’t make it to England or California? Don’t fret, we’ve got you covered with free tickets to Triple-A ball clubs in almost every major market! Go Bisons!

4) I’m not necessarily interested in the history of Africans in America, but maybe you are. Call Fannie and request your free copy today.

6) Ever been interested in Squash (the sport, not the vegetable)? Folks in Western Mass are apparently very concerned about the future of their sport following the Bear Sterns collapse. Help assuage their fears by showing up to their next game and demanding free admittance.

7) I am trying very, very hard to not make a joke about the fact that Freddie Mac (the home mortgage company) is a lead sponsor for the Hoops for the Homeless charity. You know, for people without homes. Because maybe, you know, they lost them. When they stopped paying their mortgage. To Freddie Mac. Annnnnnnd now I’m making fun of homeless people.

Apologies in advance to the ladyinwaiting for making merryment amidst your misery.