“If you are alone, I’ll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I’ll be your shoulder. If you need to be happy, I’ll be your smile. But anytime you need a friend, I’ll just be me.” — Source unknown.

My life seems so incredibly fucked up now. Even I have grown tired of the constant, seemingly endless drama that I consistently seem to manifest about me.

I have shared openly and with honest and authentic admission that I have not always lived life as a man of integrity. Lies, deceptions, illusions, delusions once filled my life. No one really knew who I was back then. The pain that I carry, the result of the shame, guilt and true remorse are difficult to still bear. I make my own best attempts to forgive myself and live by the commitments I have made to a life of rigorous honesty. I revel in my new, authentic life and the easy cadence it brings.

However there are some who I have hurt in the past that refuse to see me as the man I am today and not the fool I was before. Rather than try to see my progress, I am forced to swallow the bile of their resentments and my born again guilt. I reach out to them at times like this for their love and support. How many times can I hit “rock bottom” and how much worse can it get? The problems I face in my life now contribute to anxiety and that feeling of being “lost.” I have people; friends or “family of choice” with one best friend Trish who is so calm, patient and willing to learn, that I truly know what unconditional love feels like. She very well could be that angel I’ve asked for!

When does it ever stop? What do these “detractors” get from holding their resentments so dear? When can I be seen as the man I am today, rather than the monster of my past? How can family turn-off their love and sit idly by while I grow more and more lost, alone and afraid? I have begged for their help. Their refusal is like a nightmare; if they needed my help I wouldn’t think twice. I would do what I could. I still love them, even now, as they turn away.

I have worked so hard and tried to follow a path toward personal growth. I’ve learned so much along the way, but now I feel so lost in my fears and find myself dwelling in these feelings of abandonment and betrayal. These behaviors I know are preventing me from initiating my solution to my challenges. I want to learn whatever it is I am supposed to from this lesson and move on. I want a life filled with the love and joy of family and friends.

“Many brave men lived before Agamemnon, but all unwept and unknown, they sleep in endless night, for they had no poets to sound their praises.” — Horace

A friend of mine told this story recently: “I was living in San Francisco which has a large population of homeless and poor. Each day it was painful to notice the contrast between the beautifully dressed, seemingly self-confident people, and the poor who shared the streets with them.”

“One day I realized I could empathize with how those homeless people felt. I’d lived my whole life feeling I didn’t belong, with no family I could turn to, and not knowing if I would survive another day in my misery. The compassion I felt was a reminder to me not to form my opinions about people by how they look. It doesn’t matter what people think they see in me, or anyone else. Each one of us is wounded. It’s just that some wounds are on the inside instead of the outside.”

We are all in this world together and for a purpose, no matter what the circumstances of our life.