Time, Time, Time, See What’s Become Of Me

Time is playing tricks on your daddy and me. You left us two months ago. Sometimes it feels like you were just here. I’ll go in your room, and I can still smell you, hear your laughter. Your toys are still in your room, in your crib where you liked them. I still expect to wake up and see your face peering over at me. I still look forward to you saying, “HI!” to me every morning.

Then there are other times. Times when it feels like every day is a month long. When I don’t know how I will make it through another SECOND, let alone minute, hour, day, week, month, year, life, without you. That I can’t believe it’s only been two months, it seems more like two decades. The days drag by, but there is no escape. Night time isn’t better because I can’t snuggle you. Sleeping isn’t better because I don’t see you. Nothing is better.

I still talk to you all the time. Sometimes aloud, sometimes just in my head.

Every morning I stand in front of your urn, and I tell you how much I miss you and love you. I tell you what I think you’d be doing if you were here. I know you’d be running around our house. Not walking – running. I imagine how long your hair would be by now. It was SO CLOSE to being long enough for a single ponytail on the back of your head. I think it would be long enough now, two months later. I know you’d be saying more words, you already had so many. Maybe now you’d say “mama.”

Every night I stand in front of your urn, and I tell you how much I miss you and love you. I tell you how unfair it is that you aren’t here. I tell you I would trade places with you in a millisecond, that I would do anything to give you back the world. I tell you about my day, who I saw and spoke to. Sometimes I see some of your friends. I tell you about Rigby, and how she still hides under your crib and barks too much. I ask you every night to come see me in my dreams.

I am always looking for guidance from you, Maddie. Things are so scary without you. I always want to know what your reaction would be to something. I want to share things with you, and see your smile. I worry about what you’d think of things. I long for you.

I don’t know how we will get through this, Maddie. Things are changing and I am clinging to you. I am hoping you will be there, and I am realizing that you never, ever will be, and it hurts more and more every day.

Maddie, we love you and miss you in a way that is consuming. I want you to know how much we think about you, and long for you, and love you. You are always on our minds. We still do everything for you.

Baby Moo, I don’t really know how to end this letter other than to say again how much I love you. Maybe tonight will be the night you visit me in my dreams. I really, really hope so.

233 Comments

I hope there will come a time when you feel comfortable publishing these things somehow, like a book about grieving or… I don’t know. I’m just sure you really capture what so many must feel and it would be comforting to many.

Today I saw a little girl being pushed in a little pink car. And I had to do a double take because I expected to see your hand on that handle. When it wasn’t you, I cried. Because I so much wanted it to be you and her. With all my heart I wanted it.

Alisha says:

Everytime I read your blog my heart honestly and literally hurts for you…especially this one. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you are going through and it truly hurts. I know no words will begin to take that pain away from you..even though I long to do so…You’re strength amazes me. You, your family and your beautiful baby girl are always in my thoughts and prayers. Praying extra hard that Maddie visits you in your dreams.

I don’t know what it’s like to lose a child, but when I lost my bro, I felt the same things you described. That’s what makes our grief universal, when it comes from the sudden loss of someone taken too soon. I know what you mean when you say you wish she’d visit you in your dreams – anything to “see” her moving and talking, touching and laughing. Hoping you continue to have the strength & support to endure another day. Take care of you. xoxo

Allie says:

Jeanne says:

Heather,
I read your blog daily.. I don’t remember when I started or how I found you but I think of you and your family all the time recently.. I’m a nurse and I see a lot of joy and a lot of heartache. Today a little girl died in my arms. She wasn’t mine. I had only known her a few hours but I was there. I felt her last breath. I can’t feel or understand your pain because I do not live with it. I do not carry it with me everyday. But I get glimpses of what you must feel like. I am sorry and I wish I could make your dreams come true. I miss Maddie Moo too

Lori says:

I truly believe Maddie hears everything you say to her and she knows every feeling in your heart. She’s not with you physically but she is always with you and always will be. Much peace & love to you and Mike.

To keep breathing through something like this feels so impossible, and yet it’s all one can do. When you share like this, I feel “with” you for a moment in this incomprehensible situation. And I too take a breath, with great difficulty because this is such an instance of life being absolutely bewildering in its stark unfairness and searing pain. I breathe and pray, for you and with you. I hope knowing how many of us do this gives you a small measure of strength and support through this.

I simply can’t put into words the depth of my sorrow for you. I couldn’t even begin to fathom the depth of yours… I can’t imagine a loss so devastating.

Once again you have me in tears. Once again, I’m hoping that every tear is one less that you have to cry. That every ounce of pain can be taken from your well of pain so that you don’t have to feel it, to drown in it.

I don’t know why this happened to your family, I only know that none of you deserve this. Maddie deserves the world, and you deserve to be there to experience her in it.

Wishing you and Mike the most amazing Maddie-filled dreams tonight and every night. Love and hugs to you all – including Rigby…

betsy says:

I pray for both of you. Maddie knows how much you miss her and how much you love her. She loved you enough for her entire journey in this lifetime be with you…and truly only with you. How sad it would be for her brief time here to destroy the two people she showed up to love the most. That is not why she came to you. It is not what she meant to leave you with. She will come to you in your dreams. I know this happens.

Sweet Girl. I’m so sorry. When I saw the title of your post, I heard the Bangle’s version of “Hazy Shade of Winter”, and how it starts with the sweet, haunting melody. Then the guitars kick in, angry, fast. Out of control. And the time of the song changes, and it’s the same melody, but not the same song at all.

I know people say it gets better with time. But I don’t know that time is linear anymore. Some days maybe will have distance, and some days will always feel so close to the one your girl was gone. And there are no words, Heather. I’m just so damn sorry. Love to you both.

I am sure Maddie can hear everything you are saying. I am also sure she is right by you maybe even touching you to calm you! I hope she will soon be in your dreams if she hasnt been there yet!
I am sending prayers your way!!

MelissaG says:

Erica says:

I have such an ache in my heart reading your words, dear Heather. My heart breaks for you and Mike. My tears keep falling and falling reading your words. Tears for you, the amazing Mum to the precious Maddie, tears for Maddie’s wonderful Dad, Mike, and tears for the World Famous Maddie, who left this world far too early. Heather, life is just so, so unfair and we all aks, ‘why, o why’ this beautiful little girl. Words offer little comfort, I know, but as always I hope that knowing that there are so, so many people thinking of you, may offer you some form of comfort. Please tell Maddie when you speak to her this morning that there are many people all over the world thinking of her Mum and Dad.
Heather, that is such a beautiful photo of you and your percious baby girl, she’s so peaceful in her Mum’s arms and her Mum looks so peaceful knowing her baby is safe. Maddie is still safe, Heather.
Thinking of you today, as every day and sending you love and best wishes
your stanger friend, Erica in Luxembourg

Kim says:

Beautiful post. Hugs Heather, nothing but love and hugs. I hope you see Maddie in your dreams soon. It’s not fair that your sweet beautiful girl isn’t here with you. I wish there was something i could do to take even a minute of the pain away. We all do. just know that Maddie, you and Mike are surrounded by love everyday. There are thousands of people who are hoping, and praying for your family. Peace.

Ana says:

Your pain reaches us all over our (not so big) world…. We, with our own children happily in school, cannot even begin to understand your loss. But maybe you can find some little comfort knowing that so many people all over the world are thinking of you and reading about Madeline’s life.

My sister has antiphospholipid syndrome. It was only diagnosed after she lost her baby girl, also born on week 29. She tried to have a baby for many years and had a very complicated pregnancy. But her baby only survived 2 days, and she was close to dying too. I don’t think it’s the same losing a 2 day old baby and one that has been your whole life for over a year, but It was very very hard for them. We really thought that they would never be themselves again, that they would never be really happy again.

But you know, life goes on, then she then had a completely different pregnancy (heavily medicated and closely watched) and gave birth to a healthy full term baby boy. He is the joy of her life and although nobody forgets the past, I think she is really herself again …

Krissa says:

Denise says:

We just would like for you to know that there is a family from “this side of the world” thinking about you … we cannot ever imagine the pain and hurt you two and your family/friends are in right now … but we can “feel” your pain and it “can be heard” all across the world!
Everyone who gets to know Maddie – even if it is a little bit of her through this blog! – we all start missing her. What a precious baby she is for all of us!!!

Petra says:

a very sweet letter… it touched my heart and made my eyes watery, because i write a lot of letters to my son, too.

i think it’s great that you are allowed to keep Maddie’s urn at home. Over here in germany we’re not allowed to do so (we need a graveyard). And even though i found a lovely, colourful kid’s-corner at the local graveyard (where he rests between a bunch of girls) i would have loved to be able to keep some of his ashes at home (and/or bring a little part of him to his daddy’s country.

keep on talking to her, i’m sure that – wherever she is – she’ll hear you and is comforting in your sleep. i was dreaming of my son recently and he was a grown up man – saying to me: “But i’m alright, mommy. Don’t worry about me.”

by now he’d be calling me mommy too. and it breaks my heart that i’ll never hear him say this. All we have now is our memory and dreams. And the hope that Maddie, Dorian and all the other kids play catch on a cloud and are happy when they see us smile.

heather,
your words are so broken and real, but so helpful to so many of us. I know you do not write these words for others, but through them you are touching so many. Thanks again for sharing your heart – for being open in a time where it’s probably easier to keep to yourself.

It seems wrong to tell you how this made me cry. How it wrenched my heart. How I have still not stopped crying. Wrong. If it hurts this much to read your words, to look at sweet Maddie’s face, to see so clearly you standing before an urn, to almost feel the echoes and emptiness in your home that I’ve never set foot in. If it hurts this much…I can’t imagine…fathom…how much you must hurt. It takes my breath and breaks my heart…because, as I said I have nothing to give you…nothing to offer…no words strong enough to convey…

I don’t even feel that I have the right…but I just wanted to add along with everyone else how very very much you are loved, how constantly you are thought of, how deeply you and your entire family are cared for…how much your sweet Madeline, a gift so precious that you chose to share with us…when you didn’t have it, has impacted my life and how she always always will…as will you, you beautiful lady who in your darkest moments and unimaginable grief still continues to be an inspiration. I will never look at the world or the color purple the same way again

I know that Maddie is so proud of you. I hope she comes to you in your dreams soon.

Sweet Mama, I wish I could help. Maddie will guide you. She is around you. She loves you. I know that. I pray that you will dream about her soon, so that you can feel her presence close. Baby steps. It must all feel so surreal still, I cannot come close to imagining. My children pray for your baby every night. My little boy in particular, is totally taken with her. He asks to see her videos and pictures and gets the biggest smile on his face every time. (Who wouldn’t?) We now get a purple balloon every time we grocery shop and he kisses it and sends it up to your Maddie. It’s become a little ritual and I’m glad. It makes the rest of us remember how fragile we really are.

Sending love, hugs and tears shed for your Maddie.
With love, Tricia (irishsamom) and family xoxoxo

Tami says:

MY eyes are filled with tears and my heart in breaking for your loss. I really wish things were different and she was here with you and Mike.
Life is so un fair!! She shouldnt of been taken from you . I cant imagine standing in front of a URN and knowing that is the child you held and watched grow daily.. That part just rips my heart out. Your wound is still so fresh Heather. The pain may ease, but for me I dont think it would ever go away.. I just cant imagine!!
You are ALWAYS in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs to you,

heather- my heart aches for you and mike each time i hold our sweet jackson. the thought of you talking to your beautiful maddie in an urn infuriates me because it’s so unfair. the strength you have just to write a post like this… so raw… so real… just astounds me.

Amanda says:

I read your blog often and you & Mike are in my thoughts. I am very sorry for your loss of Maddie. She was so beautiful, it is hard to imagine a happier little girl, always smiling that beaming smile in photos. I just wanted to let you know that another Mum is thinking of you, all the way from Australia and hoping that your pain eases as little as time goes on.

I think of you and Mike often… I had both of you in my thoughts a lot yesterday. I took pictures of tiny purple flowers and thought of Maddie. Tiny flowers dancing in the spring breeze, brightening a shaded part of my garden. Their presence has always brought the promise of summer sunshine and warmth. Now though… now they also remind me of your sweet little girl and with that comes hope for you. Hope that there wil be warmth, light and happiness in your dreams and in your heart… to help you; help you feel less pain.

Suzanne says:

As I read this, I can feel the longing that you and Mike have. I feel that it is consuming. I get a taste of your pain — it is 8:15 a.m. and I am in my office sobbing for you. I wish there was some way that I could help you and Mike face each day. All I can do is read your blog, leave my comment, and pray to god and the universe that Maddie visits you in your dreams and that you both know peace and happiness again, someday.

Can I just say that I fuckin’ HATE that you’re writing this letter to your daughter. You shouldn’t be. No parent should ever be writing something like this. It’s not fair.

I can say it until I ‘m blue in the face, but I love you guys and think about you constantly. There isn’t a day that goes by that I pray for a little comfort to come to you. I pray for your heart to be at peace and for you to have a little happiness. Something to make you smile.

You know this, but I am ALWAYS here for you. ALWAYS.
I love you friend.

sherry pyle says:

Dear Heather,
I still cry when i think of her.
She was so precious and beautiful.
I want to tell you a story about a man.
This man lost his son and he was so grieved he wouldn”t get up, eat or return to some form of life.
Then, he realized something. he knew he could not bring him back but that someday he could join him in heaven.
He got up and begin to live his life keeping in mind that he would live a life that would lead him back to his son.
He accomplished this and lived a long life that others could learn from.
This story helped me once when we lost a first chilld at 26 weeks that had not developed properly.
Now i know to lose a child after you have loved it , cared for it is a million times harder.
You have done such a great job of sharing your love for Maddie and you have been so open and strong about how hard it is.
I pray for you and I still cry when I think of your loss.
I think life can be so hard, often I don’t understand. yet I try to live that those who have gone on before me are honored by my
life.
As you go through these days take heart that so many people love you and that God knows of your heartbreak.
No words can really help only feeble expressions of love to let you know I care.
Thank you for sharing Maddie.
I live on the East coast and even so far away she has touched my heart.
Be kind to yourself. Don’t expect the pain to just go away.
Its often not that we get over things its we somehow learn to live with it.
That takes tme.
May God bless you
I write these words to you when all I really want to do is cry.
Know I write with love and care, and a heart that still crys for Maddie.

Amy says:

That picture of the two of you is simply beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with us. My heart goes out to you and Mike today. Everyday, really! Many hugs and warm thoughts are being sent your way from Massachusetts.
xoxoxoxox

Kristen McD says:

Sweet Heather, I read this, and had to compose myself before I could comment. Then I read it again and looked at that photo. That is the best photo. You are almost inhaling her, drinking her in, loving on her so so much.

Oh my heart aches for you. Sending you up some love, and peace. And sweet, sweet dreams. XOXOX

Deborah says:

Jackie in Detroit says:

It appears that writing letters to Maddie is helpful to you. Please keep doing it. I can only imagine you feel small and helpless right now but these letters to Maddie are gigantic. It’s hard not to wonder how long her hair would be now, if she’d be running, what words would come from that cute little mouth. Keep thinking those thoughts. It’s likely that everyone that knows Maddie thinks about the same things. You are brave and strong and I thank you for sharing your lovely daughter with us.

rachel cortest says:

Heather,
Everything that you are feeling I understand. I pray that you get visits from her in your dreams soon. It is a great comfort. I do not understand why this had to happen. It makes no sense. She is so beautiful, smart and lovely. I am so so so sorry. rachel

Lidia says:

Hi Heather.. I’ve been following your blog for a while now. I know you hear it often, but I think of you and Matt, and Maddi.. EVERY single day.. My heart breaks for your family, and I only wished that with all the hearts that are breaking for your tragedy out here.. It might take a little of the pain away from yours.. Your Madeline was … IS … Beautiful. I have dropped SO many tears reading your blogs. The other day I was out in my garden checking on my daughter’s strawberry plant.. We’ve been waiting to harvest and have some , but those dame squirrels always beats us to it !! But I look up, and realized.. Without realizing it.. ALL my plants that I had planted were purple.. It was beautiful. Just as your Maddy.. I hope Maddi came to your dreams last night..

Kelly says:

You have an amazing way of expressing yourself. Everything you do is another way of working your way through this. Life is altered forever and you just need to work through it until you have, no matter how long that takes. There is no time limit, and there never will be clarity but I just hope with every passing day it brings you closer to having peace in your life. No one deserves it more than you and Mike.

I’m so choked up. I can’t help but feel thankful you allow us to peer in, too, to your world without Maddie. I know I am not the only one that thinks about you and her daily, and appreciates what we have a little more…

Kelly says:

Heather and Mike,
I haven’t commented here before, but this post made me. I want you to know that all the way across the country, I am wishing I could take your pain away. I can’t even fathom what you’re feeling right now, and will feel for the rest of time. But reading what you have written MAKES me feel it. I find myself crying and hurting with you. Maddie has touched my life in more ways than one…she was so beautiful, and you two were lucky enough to be her wonderful, amazing parents even if for just a short time. It’s not fair to you, to your family, and to the world. I pray for you guys daily. I’m so so sorry. I wish there was a better way to say what I’m feeling, but I’m coming up blank. I’m sending you love from Virginia. If I can do anything at all, please let me know.

Mel says:

I pop in everyday to read what you’ve wrote . . . I then click on a picture of Maddie and spend the next 5 minutes enjoying your precious daughter. I, too, ask Maddie everyday to give you some sign that she is happy and okay where she is now! I know that would give me peace if I were in your situation . . .

Angie says:

I am so very sorry you are still hurting. The loss of a child is the worst loss of all. I dread the day I lose my Harrison. He had Duchenne’s Muscular Dystropy. I still can’t wrap my head around it. God bless you. Hug her memory tight.

kristen says:

heather,
incredible, honest, touching…that was a beautiful message. i really hope you and maddie met in your dreams last night and did many fabulous things together, but most of all just shared love. keep talking to her…i believe she’s listening.

i wish i would have met maddie, but maybe the next best thing is for me to just try every day to live my life as joyfully and graciously as she lived hers, and to give my children the same gift of unending love as you give to her.

I read your blog all the time and never post because I just don’t know what to say to you. I can’t even imagine the grief that you are feeling. Just know that I think of you and Mike and Maddie and I am very sad, angry, confused, and heartbroken for all of you.

I pray she will visit you in you dreams soon and every night thereafter.

Jennifer says:

I’m just speechless and torn apart. I know that your Maddie Moo is in heaven looking down telling you that it’s going to be alright and that she misses you and her daddy so much. As a mother, I know that this must be an unbearable thing to get through and I honestly don’t have any words of advice to share. My heart is breaking for you and I hope, hope that you see Maddie tonight in your dreams. BIG hugs from Jenn in CA.

I’m sorry for your pain. You know, there are some people in this world who never knew this kind of love, the love you had for Maddie. You couldn’t have loved her any more while she was here, that is clear by reading your words and seeing your pictures. She was loved. She is loved. I hope that brings you some slight comfort. No one could have ever loved her more, and even though it was such a short time, that’s a beautiful life lived.

I know that doesn’t ease your pain in missing her now, but I hope you can think about that when it’s too hard to think about being without her.

april in NJ says:

Oh Heather… I’m at my desk trying so hard not to cry. I want to say a million things… but they’re all stupid and don’t mean a damn thing. Just know so many people are thinking of your family and your precious maddie moo… sending much love and hugs from NJ.

Dena says:

I am one of those “you don’t know me” readers. I just found you blog and I went back to the beginning so that I could know the whole story. I feel as though I have learned to love Maddie, you and Mike just by reading your wonderful words and looking at your photo’s and videos.

Sorry is not a big enough word but, I am so very sorry for your loss. I prayed for you yesterday and I will pray for you everyday. I cannot know what you are feeling but I want you to know that your blog has made me stop and catch my breath and be thankful for the blessings in my life. Your wonderful Maddie has changed me and I am thankful you are sharing her with all of us.

kristin says:

I hope that these blog entries are healing and cathartic for you — they are such an honor to read. I don’t know you but am really comforted that you seem to have so many close friends to offer you their love and support. I hope you feel comforted by that.

Dina says:

What a beautiful letter. My eyes are filled with tears and I am at a loss for words…

I wish you Maddie-filled dreams. I am not religious, but I believe that she will always be with you in some way. She feels the love.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Although I am a stranger, I check daily to see how things are going and wish for you and Mike to have many happy days ahead. (Seeing Maddie’s smile, I think that she would want that for you too).

I was talking about Maddie today at lunch. And I looked at her photo this morning. I smiled at her photo and told her you saw her handprint on the window. I loved that post. I hope you frame the photo.

I bet she visits you in your dreams tonight. And she waves and blows kisses.

Laura says:

What a lucky, lucky girl Miss Maddie was to have such a loving, sweet, funny and devoted Mommy. I know she is so glad that she picked YOU to bless with her time here. I pray for you daily and will continue to do so. Love and hugs to you.

Heather – As always I’m struck by your way with words, your ability to bring us right into your world of pain in such an honest and raw way. I so wish there was not such a world to be brought into.

Some days I read your posts and I don’t know what to say. I feel that not knowing you, how do I know what to say to comfort you or what you’d want to hear from me. Then I think that if I knew you IRL, I might not know what to say either.

I’m a Mom too and the road getting there was incredibly difficult. I met my spouse later in life, had several miscarriages, D&Cs, treatments, and was finally blessed with a little girl. She will likely be my only child due to our circumstances and I know how much I love her — what a blessing it is every day to have her — and knowing that I’ll never have another, makes it that much more palpable.

My daughter asks nearly every morning to watch “the baby” on the computer. The baby is Maddie. Usually together, and sometimes she by herself, we get lost in the world of Heather, Mike, and Maddie. We smile, chuckle, and I still try not to cry imagining the sorrow you and Mike must feel after experiencing so much joy.

But, I will continue to read and watch because your pain is my pain too. Every mother who has lost a child or imagines losing a child, cries with you.

Five years ago, at my wedding ceremony, my husband and I added a special portion to our vows. We talked about each other and our love, of course, but, there was a part of our ceremony that we chose to add called the spilling of the wine. During this, our rabbi spilled a drop of wine for a list of seven injustices in the world. After spilling a drop of wine seven times, for each stated injustice, he added, “Our joy will not be complete until others can share it with us.”

I would consider losing a child one of the greatest injustices in this world and therefore, I will continue to come here and read your beautiful and heartbreaking words, see how and what you are feeling on any given day, and continue to be here for you the only way I know how.

I so wish that your beautiful Maddie visits you in your dreams very soon…

Tamara M. says:

My son also loves to sit and watch baby Maddie. He usually wants to sit like a big boy by himself and makes me replay each video over and over.

I want to thank you for your courage and your inspiration. I try to not wonder what I would do in your shoes but I can’t help it and I just break down at the thought of losing my precious precious little boy and baby girl. I am positive I would just break down and be useless.

I will hold my littles one closer for the rest of their lives because of the pain you are going through. They are only babies now 19 months and 4 months but as long as I am alive I will always hold them a little closer and for a little big longer and never take for granted that I can do those things. I am not sure if that makes sense written out but I hope you understand what I mean.

Tamela says:

Lexi says:

A friend recommended your blog to me. She told me not to read the first page, but to start at the VERY BEGINNING. I did as I was told, and in a matter of seconds, minutes, hours, and days, my world was filled with the light of a beautiful little girl with the most beautiful eyes, smile, and curly hair I had EVER seen…Maddie gave me my daily fix of what Heaven must look like…I loved her, and didn’t even know her. She amazed me through your writing and the stories of her…and then I read of her passing. It was incredibly painful for me, as a stranger, to realize that your beautiful little sunspot was no longer here to brighten up what is quickly becoming a dark, dark world. I cried (more accurately, I curled up and bawled for a good long while). I could NOT imagine the incredible pain you were going through…
I grabbed my little girl and showed her the pictures of Maddie…all of the videos, the sweet things she did. My daughter is now three months old, but even then, she smiled at Maddie’s beautiful life…Emma loved your little one, she loved to watch Maddie go crazy, and play her piano, and I believe that had they met, they would have been great friends. I pray for you and Mike every day…and I want you to know that Maddie lives on in all of the beautiful, bright and sunny things in this world. She is every good thing out there…her smile lives on in all of the smiles of all of the children in the world…they all hope to be just as beautiful as she was. I hope that she did come to you in your dreams…I hope that she told you what a wonderful Mommy you are, that in Heaven she read all of your blogs and thought you were so funny, and smart, and that you showed everyone how much you loved each other. She knows of your love. Take comfort in that…and please, take care.

you are in my prayers all the time…that today…you may find just a little peace….I think we are all so blessed in a way…to have a beautiful angel in maddie looking down on all of us….even though I know you’d rather so much have her here with you….

Carrie says:

What a truly beautiful letter. I hate that Maddie isn’t with you. I will never understand why children are taken at such young ages. I lost my mom at a young age and I can relate to the feelings you write about. The consuming sadness and how time feels like it goes slowly, yet quickly without them here. As many people have said, you have a way with words. Thank you for sharing your feelings. Wishing you strength to get through your days.

Jessica says:

I think of you often and I can’t imagine what you must be going through. I am thankful though that I was fortunate enough to get a glimpse of of beautiful and wonderful your little girl was. Your story makes me hold my girls a little closer. You are so brave to share you story with all of us. I think that with your honesty and your way with words you could write a book.

Amber says:

She will visit you – when you least expect it, she’ll come to see you. It will feel like it’s real, only you’ll realize that it’s not. Once you realize that it’s not, that’s when she will disappear and go back to whatever is waiting for us in the “after”.

Jess L. says:

Jill K. says:

I think of you, Mike, and Maddie often. Today, I was with my grandmother as she went to buy flowers to go around her Virgin Mary statue. She asked me whether to get the white, pink, or purple. I told her purple (for Maddie). Here’s to hoping you have some sweet dreams soon.

Oh, Heather. My heart breaks for you anew every day. Maddie knows how much you love her, and I believe that she hears you when you talk to her. I hope with all my heart that she will visit you tonight, or some night soon.
xoxo.
Cindy

Wow. So touching. I thank you for your Raw emotions and for sharing them with all of us. It is truly remarkable to see your strength, Maddie’s Beautiful Mommy, you who would and has done everything for her. I think she sees you in her dreams and she is smiling about you. I am so sorry for your loss.

Erin says:

Hi Heather, I have been reading your blog for the past couple months. It has truly touched me. I check everyday for your updates and want you to know how much I am thinking about you and your family. I debated about ever responding to your posts but I had a dream last night and I just can’t get it out of my head. Then I read your post today about Maddie coming to you in your dreams and I knew I had to tell you. In my dream, it was a year after Maddie had passed. I was with you and Maddie was there. We both knew that she was an angel now but delighted in her presence. She was so magical and truly beautiful. She looked just like the videos that you post of her. Such a happy baby. It was the type of dream that I haven’t been able to get out of my head. All day I’ve been thinking about this dream. It just seemed SO REAL. I hope this isn’t freaking you out. I also hope you can have her in your dreams soon. I never even knew her and I care deeply about her. She is so special.
Erin

Debi Powell says:

You know, they say we dream every night, but most times we dont remember them. I believe with my whole heart she is in your dreams every night… but it would be too painful to wake up if you remembered them…. I bet soon you will.
Hugs to you… we’re praying for peace for your broken hearts.

Jenn from NS says:

I know this probably doesn’t mean a lot coming from someone you don’t know. And I know my opinion doesn’t really matter right now but I am sure Maddie is just waiting for the right time to visit your dreams so that you will be okay when you have to wake up.

I lost my dad when I was 11 years old and he visited me in my dreams twice. Once to give me a hug and the second time to say goodbye. I am now 22 and out of the thousands of dreams I’m sure I’ve had, these are the only two that I remember so vividly like they just happened. I am not equating my father’s death to the death of your baby girl but you will get your Maddie dreams, I’m sure of it.

Heather, I’ve been reading your story for quite a while now, but I rarely ever comment. I just had to let you know that I think about you and Mike and Maddie every day. I hope Maddie visits your dreams tonight.

Kim says:

They say loved ones visit us in our dreams when we are ready. It might not be happening right now, but it will. Keep asking her to meet you in your dreams, and believe she will. And she will. I so wish for (at least) that for you…. (((((hugs))))

I have tears running down my cheeks. I pray that she does come into your dreams tonight! I believe she is with you always, even if you cant see her in your dreams, so keep talking to her, even if just in your head. I hope your writing is theraputic for you! Above all, I wish you hadn’t lost her. My heart aches for your family.

Tara in The Fort says:

My heart hurts for you and your husband. It’s not fair that she left you. I wish I had something more comforting to say other than “I’m sorry”. I am sorry, but it doesn’t seem like enough to say.
It is so strong of you to share your deepest, most personal feelings and thoughts with us. Thank you for that. I know that your struggle is helping and will help many other people.

Rosa Ellenberger says:

I do not know you but my heart goes out to you. I can’t imagine what you must be feeling and I wish none of it had ever happened. No one deserves for any of this to happen. Your baby was a beautiful beautiful soul and the world is a sadder place without her presence. I hope one day in your life you and your husband can find some sort of peace. Once again my heart goes out to you.

Rebekah says:

Amanda says:

I did not even know Maddie and I miss her. I miss your updates with the gorgeous pictures. What a beautiful, sweet, playful little baby girl. I cannot imagine the ache and pain you are going through each second of each day. I pray for you. Your story has touched me in a way I cannot describe. It is so unfair that she was taken WAY too soon but please know that just because she is not physically on this earth does not mean that she is not making an impact on this world each and every day.

Alexicographer says:

I hope Maddie will visit you in your dreams throughout your life. My grandmother still comes into mine that way, decades after she passed away, and it is always a pleasant surprise to see her. She has faded from my conscious mind, but remains vivid and vital in my dreams.

The Queen says:

You do know, that the most beautiful eyes that ever graced this earth, are now watching over you. She has the most beautiful eyes of any child I have ever seen….and I’m a grandma.. and we are kind of partial to our own,,, but.. she has em beat…

You are walking a path that no one wants to walk… remember she’s still holding your hand,, except now,, you will learn from her. Her love for the short time she was in your arms, will be with you for a lifetime..

Michelle W says:

Tonight, like every night that I read your blog I feel the heartache in your post, my heart aches with you and for you and I cry for all of you, hold my children tighter and hope for your peace and a visit from Maddie.

I cried again for Sweet Maddie. You are so amazing for sharing what you are going through. Wish she was here for you too. Love sent to you both. Thank you for expressing what you are going through so that others will know that they are not alone. Love sent from afar.

CHASSITIE says:

I READ A FEW BLOGS ON THIS AND IT HAS ME IN TEARS ALREADY I HATE THE THOUGHT OF DEATH AND TO THINK THAT IT COULD HAPPEN TO SOMEONE AS SWEET TENDER AND GENTLE AS A BABY MAKES IT UNBEARABLE TO SOMEONE LIKE ME.. SO I CAN ONLY IMAGINE ON HOW IT AFFECTS YOU. IM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.. GOD BLESS

My heart aches for you. I remember this feeling so well. We are coming up on six years that our daughter has been gone. Sometimes it feels like yesterday and sometimes it feels like a complete and different lifetime ago.
You may find that your life is separated into two different parts, before and after death. I know it is for me. I just wrote a post about it the other day that you might find helpful.http://prairie-mama.blogspot.com/2009/06/this-is-it.html
Thinking of you always…

This was a beautiful letter to your Maddie! My heart breaks for you and Mike! It’s not fair that you two have to feel this pain. I am sure we all (your readers) would love to take this pain away from you!
I read every post of yours and Mike, I have commented a couple times, but not on every post…cc it seems as if it is the same comment everytime. As I try to type with my eyes so full of tears that it is hard to write!!
But I really hope these comments give you alittle comfort and I really hope you get to dream of your baby tonight and evey night to come~

M says:

I read many blogs of those who have lost their babies far too soon, but yours is the only one that moves me to tears almost every time I stop by. Your honesty, your willingness to share your grief, and your abundant, overflowing love for your beautiful girl are an honor to share. Thank you for letting us in, and I pray that in some small way, sharing this grief makes it slightly more manageable.

kathy says:

I just am holding back the tears. It is wonderful to write love letters to beautiful Maddie. I use to write letters to my husband, then my daughter would dictate letters to her daddy. Wow was that painful….

But you bring a smile and laughter to me when I watch any video where you say, “WOW”. That cracks me up. I wish I was standing there too, saying it with you. I would have been so persistent in getting a reaction from Maddie. I wish I lived closer, we would have such a good time together. Use to live in Beverly Hills and worked at CSMC..but now I am just a single mom falling in love with a great man, and still raising my daughter who is 12. She got braces on a few days ago, and this is where my I get sad that Daddy isn’t here to see this milestone….damm

Kari says:

Jill Armentrout says:

I keep reading this blog – it is such beautiful writing. I am sitting outside with my two daughters, almost 6 and just 2. I feel so blessed and I keep reading because it tells me to never never take them for granted. My youngest Lily reminds me of Maddie. I really think of her now when I look at Lily. I try to keep a bit of your girl’s life in mine, though I don’t know you. Lily isn’t walking yet. She was a preemie, too, but at 32 weeks. Her lungs are healthy, thank God. But she has low muscle tone and has therapy three times a week. Sometimes I try to figure out what happened, but despite these things, she is alive and thriving. She uses a walker and will walk on her own soon, I’m sure. I know I must never feel sorry for this situation. I just left a job at a newspaper to work from home freelancing. Again, I am blessed even though I lost my job. I can be with them.
I really feel like I want to talk to you, but I worry I couldn’t help. You remind me to cherish life. I hope you hold onto your love and let some grief go.
Jill

I don’t know if it is because my reader is out of control and it’s been a while since I’ve read any of your updates–or if it’s PMS–or the sheer amount of emotion you convey with your bittersweet words–but this post has me completely overcome with emotion. Because you are able to convey your feelings so well through the written word, I sit here at work weeping for your loss–again. I pray you will see your sweet Maddie again… whether that is in your dreams or after you too leave this Earthly world.
.-= Mermanda´s last blog ..Even more fun than I had imagined =-.

I haven’t been following your blog very long, but it has affected me in a profound way. Thanks for sharing your story and most of all, thanks for sharing Maddie with us. She’s beautiful.
.-= Two Makes Four´s last blog ..Althea’s Got Something to Say =-.