living, loving and laughing with cancer

Main menu

Post navigation

The Flip Side

Every time I expose myself and my “warts and all” brutal truths, I wonder if I have gone a step too far. Generally, I get responses or messages from people saying that it helps them understand or that they don’t feel as alone in their own thoughts. I hope that’s true as it does feel good to be helpful in some way.

I wonder if I portray myself as this miserable, unappreciative Eeyore of a person. I hope not. Because if you know me, you know that generally I can be found joking around and laughing. So, while I shared my truths and these are things that I believe, there is more than one side to these truths too.

1. I hate that others have moved on with their lives. But, honestly, I wouldn’t want it any other way. I certainly wouldn’t wish misery or unhappiness on anyone.

2. I am an absurdly proud person. I imagine that I could have made life a little easier on myself by accepting offers of help. I certainly appreciated every offer and everything done for us. If I had swallowed my pride a little more often, it would have been okay. I just couldn’t. But if I had to give advice to someone else, I would tell them to do just that.

3. I hate it when people bring Dave up to me when I am not expecting it. The reality is that I talk about Dave all the time. I bring him up at every opportunity. I probably have put many people in the position that I have described – especially my kids and his family. It’s a double standard.

4. I have judged people for not being there for me. Well, this is just fact. I have. It’s not that I am proud of this fact. It is just me being honest. Being there for someone is hard. It is sometimes being pushed out of your comfort zone. I can say that before this experience I was never there for someone in the way that I expect/want others to be there for me. I think this is really only learned through experience.

5. I hate the expression “rest in peace” or even worse RIP. I do. But I also realize that when people don’t know what else to say they rely on what is generally acceptable. We all do it. I just feel that now I have a better understanding of what message I want to convey and how I want to say it.

For every truth, there are many underlying facets. We grow and learn and evolve.

Like this:

Related

5 thoughts on “The Flip Side”

Your truth is YOUR truth. There is no right or wrong way to deal with grief. I have been amazed that when you express yourself it seems as though you have read my inner most thoughts. You are far more eloquent and in tune with your thoughts and feelings than I could ever be. Thank you for allowing me to share your journey. You are unaware how much you help the rest of us by your ability to put your thoughts into words. Thank you again – hugs to you and the kids.

I can relate to so many of your feelings as my husband has rare stage 4 intestinal cancer. Chemo was discontinued last month, but he is not yet ready for hospice, he is on “comfort care” at the present. So many friends and family ask if there is anything they can do. I am too busy with my full time job and caring for my husband, just trying to get through each day that calling or Emailing for help is too exhausting..so I just say nothing… But I wish many times that they would figure it out and just do it, like the other day when it snowed only 3 inches..not enough for my plow guy, but enough for me to have to shovel the entire driveway. Unfortunately wishing won’t get the message out, so I just do it myself. And of course they have their own busy lives. My sweet 15 year old neighbor took it upon himself to bring the trash cans from the end of my driveway to my house each week, without asking and this “small” act of kindness relieves me of just one of the extra chores I inherited from my husband, but it’s one less chore on my list. We need more people like him that just see it and do it! God bless you for expressing your feelings through this blog. You are helping me cope with my own issues, unknowns and stressful moments. I am so sorry for all you’ve had to endure, and this new routine you never volunteered to take on.

joanne, i am so very sorry to hear about your husband. my heart aches for you and i can imagine how very tired you are. i completely understand what you are saying – reaching out and asking for help or coordinating help would take up way more time and brain cells than you have freed up at the moment. i am thankful for your 15 year old neighbor who sees that something needs to be done and just takes care of it. it is too bad that there are not more people who do the same.

i think that people want to help and think that saying “let me know if you need anything” opens that door. what they don’t realize is that even figuring out what you need can be too much to cope with. i have vowed NOT to say “call me if you need anything”. instead, i will observe and listen and try to provide all that i can to fill any needs or gaps.

i am sending you hugs and hopes for all the strength and peace as you travel this challenging path.