I thought I was doing pretty good and being tough this holiday season. Had a great Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with the kids. Had to give them to FTFred for Christmas afternoon/dinner, so I finally met my best friend's mom as she invited me to dinner over there. Had a lovely time, lots of fun, great dinner. Got lonely and sad a few times this season, but I was happy I kept pushing through and forcing myself to have a good time.

Then I walk into the grocery store tonight after the kids leave to be with FTFred for the weekend, and they have freaken Valentine's stuff up already. Can't I handle these holidays one at a time??!!?? I already have to deal with New Years with no one to kiss at midnight since I've been meeting nothing but frogs with no prince in sight, and I already have to be sad about Valentine's too? You couldn't wait till after the New Year grocery store??!?? One at a time please!!

Okay, maybe it's stupid, but that really triggered me tonight. I've always had a great family and been a generally happy person, and now I see why people get extra depressed around the holidays.

And I almost feel like I have wayward thinking. I've only seen it on TV, but I'm almost tempted to call one of those escort services and just have a nice-looking man take me out for a good time, no sex needed. Just take me to a movie, to dinner, hold my hand, tell me I look pretty, just something!!

I've heard a lot that waywards don't always have affairs for sex. A lot of it is about the attention. And that's what I'm missing the most right now. Like, companionship. Just someone to talk to and a warm body to sit next to..

No one has to advise me that escorts aren't the answer. Obviously someone faking it isn't gonna make me feel better. And don't anyone tell me to get a cat either. I've already got two, lol.

Damn, that is not a good thing ... irritates me anyway the way the stores rush the seasons. As far as NYE, do you have friends having a party? If not, throw one ... invite some close friends, and your kids friends ... don't be alone.

Volunteer at a food bank or something for Valentine's ... don't stay home and be lonely ... get out there.

I understand completely. I made a match profile with no intention of dating, just so someone would flirt with me a little, for crying out loud!

This will be the first Valentines' day without my WW. The last valentine's day card she gave me had amazing handwritten sweet sentiments. A long, handwritten list of "thank you for..." that seemed really heartfelt and fitting for 18 years of marriage. I still have a picture of it. And I took a picture of it because I plan on leaving it on her bed one of these days, as a "here, you forgot this", final F.U.

The suck? She had been going out for about 3 months with this guy when she wrote that! May not have been sexual yet at the time, but he was an ex-boyfriend, so why would you start seeing an ex-boyfriend again if that wasn't your intention? So yes, I kept a picture of it. To remind me of to what extent a person can live a double life and romantically lie through her teeth.

So again, I understand completely. It's not just a woman thing. It's a faithful, loving person with a heart thing.

You don't have wayward thinking. You have a heart. When you're ready, you're going to make a good man very happy one day. Just give it time.

Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
XBH
Divorcing. If we can ever get a final conference.

Posts: 878 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California

Pass♂ 38122Member # 38122

Posted: 12:22 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013

Fuck Hallmark, BG. Don't let them tell you how your holidays SHOULD be. See if you can make some of your own traditions.

I now officially declare My new Valentine's Day tradition: I will eat a steak, drink too much wine, play a little music, and watch some bad sci fi.

Wait a minute. Sounds a lot like my new Thanksgiving - and Thanksgiving was great.

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous

Posts: 2158 | Registered: Jan 2013

IrishLass518♀ 34373Member # 34373

Posted: 12:32 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013

I gotcha BG. I would love to have a man tell me I'm pretty and WANT to take me out and show me off. The escort thing, not so much. If I wanted to be with someone I know is faking it, I could have stayed with xWH for free. I want real. I want someone who means it. I want the love, attention and companionship that I am willing to give, given right back to me. I am not going to settle for anything less. If I never find that person, at least I didn't waste time with someone who wasn't worth me.
I dislike the store stuff too. I have great NYE plans though. I have a date with my IrishLad. We are going to have our own party with sparkling cider and special party food and video games and movies.
For Valentines, treat you the way you should be treated. Get you a massage or your favorite take out. Go see a movie or a play. Buy a book that you have wanted. Whatever it is, show yourself that you are special to you.

If I wanted to be with someone I know is faking it, I could have stayed with xWH for free.

Priceless!!!

In my case, staying with WW would be way more expensive than an escort (at least with an escort, it's clear when the transaction is over!).

Disclaimer - never been at an escort, have no interest in paying for that kind of thing, and that could be a reason why I'm a BS and not a WH. But the jokes are still funny as hell.

IrishLass and pass are right. Let's make our own traditions. Loving and pampering ourselves is also Valentine's day-worthy.

Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
XBH
Divorcing. If we can ever get a final conference.

Posts: 878 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California

ButterflyGirl♀ 38377Member # 38377

Posted: 1:20 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013

Aww thanks guys. Especially GotPlayed. If its okay with you, I'm gonna keep that kiss and use it when the clock strikes midnight. No more worrying about that one!

I really have been trying to make new traditions, go out with friends, etc. I probably use the standard "I work full-time and am a single mom" excuse too much, to myself and to my friends. I did recently join a group at my church, so hopefully I make some new friends there. No plans for NYE yet, but my family is out of town and I gotta work the eve and the day, so maybe it will float by unnoticed. Fingers crossed..

Going out with some of my older friends really is a tough one. They are supportive of me and completely chose me and dropped FTFred from their lives after they found out, but the problem is I really don't really drink (my parents taught me how to be social with it), but a lot of them do, and I have had and now have a lot of friends who take it too far. I was probably co-dependent in high school, college, and even more recently taking care of some friends and especially my ex who would get completely wasted, and I had to play mommy to grown adults, and I'm so done with that crap. It's just really not my scene and not any fun for me. I probably shouldn't be so against it with people that can handle it, but I really just don't like drinking at all.. (But I know I would love to have a beer and listen to you play some music some time Pass)!!

I have met a few guys going out with my friends at night, but surprise, surprise, I think they drink too much. One even admitted to being a functioning alcoholic. Plus, only having EOW really to go out, it's not easy to date a guy. Especially if I don't plan on introducing him to the kids any time soon.. I'm not sure how you build something solid with someone when your opportunities to see them are so few and far between...

I'm also trying to figure out what's really depressing me, and I think it's what so many people say. It's the loss of my hopes and dreams. I had always hoped to be my mom. She got to quit working and raise her 4 kids for 27 years while my dad worked his butt off to make a decent living for us (we didn't have the newest electronics, but we had the second newest electronics!).

I was just talking to my folks about this, and they were saying how they just made the compromise. Mom promised to deal with the kids, and dad promised to fix things (he's so handy) and support the family financially. They both stopped for a minute to reflect on this during our conversation and then they really complimented each other. My dad gave the best compliments to my mom, saying what an awesome wife and mother she was to us and still is. They made a great life for themselves. They still love each other, travel together (they are currently in California), do things together, work out problems together. They've been so supportive of each other over the years.

I guess I just grew up thinking I was going to have all that too. I was going to do exactly what my mom did, and now I realize I'm not going to, and damn it makes me sad.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent guys. I imagine lots of people contact their ex during the holidays or when they are feeling down, etc., and I'm so glad it's ingrained in my brain to just come and say it here.

xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven

Posts: 2805 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida

Pass♂ 38122Member # 38122

Posted: 1:40 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013

I guess I just grew up thinking I was going to have all that too. I was going to do exactly what my mom did, and now I realize I'm not going to, and damn it makes me sad.

I hear you. My parents celebrated their 50th anniversary a few years ago, and I was so happy that I was approaching 20th in 2015!

Currently at age 43, I realize that I will never have a 50th anniversary, and that fucking sucks.

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous

Posts: 2158 | Registered: Jan 2013

GotPlayed♂ 41294Member # 41294

Posted: 1:43 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013

ButterflyGirl, you're welcome. Anytime. More where that came from. After all, there's (temporarily) nobody to give them to anymore.

I also drink only moderately, and it is indeed sad to have to take care of drunken people. Maybe hiking and outdoor activities instead of bars? Sure, people drink in the outdoors, but you can't drink that much if you're going to hike. Maybe find more active people. Hard to keep active lifestyles while hungover.

The pressure is on with us kids of dissolved marriages as well. Our pressure is not becoming our parents.

Little did I know that, although I was doing well not becoming my father, she was unwittingly becoming her mother.

The reality is that we are not our parents, and it's futile to try to not only pattern ourselves to be one person, but expect someone else to pattern him or herself to be the complement-person we expect to the one person we are patterning ourselves to be (hope that's not too confusing, what I mean is expecting not only for you to be just like your mom, but for ex to be just like your dad).

The wonderful thing you have instead is support from those people who love you a lot, and can give you stability even now. Love and appreciate that incredible gift with a smile instead of comparing your own path to theirs. It's tremendously rare in today's culture to have that support as a grown adult.

Count your blessings, you may find you have more than you think. Cheers!

Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
XBH
Divorcing. If we can ever get a final conference.

Posts: 878 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California

sparkysable♀ 3703Member # 3703

Posted: 8:15 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013

I used to look at the holidays the way that you do, but then I started thinking about it the other way.

I thought about the holidays where XWH wrote me these heartfelt cards (or so I thought), flowers, amazing gifts, etc.

But they mean nothing. You know why? Because he was having affairs the entire time.

Smoke and mirrors show. I'd rather be alone than be an actor in some theater production where I wasn't even aware that I was an unpaid actor. I thought it was real.

Now I look at holidays this way: At least nobody is cheating on me. At least I'm not being played for a fool. At least someone isn't buying me a gift and writing a romantic cards the same day that they may or may not have fucked an AP.

I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be "with someone" who is using me as a prop for his "look at me and my perfect family" show, while going out and fucking Shrek.

D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous

Posts: 2158 | Registered: Jan 2013

Mom4ever♀ 40516Member # 40516

Posted: 9:19 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013

((Sparkysable))

"I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be "with someone" who is using me as a prop for his "look at me and my perfect family" show, while going out and fucking Shrek."

I agree!!!

BW - me 44
WH - 46
M - 23 yrs
D-Day - 6/13/2013
2 DSs and 1 DD
Divorcing
There are some things that "sorry" just doesn't fix... But I never even got a "sorry."

Posts: 152 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southeast

ItHappened2Me2♀ 32503Member # 32503

Posted: 9:33 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013

(((Butterfly Girl)))

It's ok to not have any plans for NYE (I hope it's ok -- because I don't).
And it's ok to dread Valentines Day -- lots of people with less reason to dread it than you have problems with the day.
And it's ok to not want someone who drinks too much (in fact, that is MORE than OK).
And it's ok to want someone who treasures you!
And it's ok to feel sad when it feels bad to all of the above.

Is there a church around you that is offering a Watch Night service? My former church used to have those.

Here's my plan for NYE: get some sparkling grape juice for the kids (and MAYBE some sparkling wine/champagne for me -- I like mimosas in the morning so I just cork the bottle after one glass in the evening and have some for a mimosa the next day and then dump the rest of the bottle). Curl up on the couch -- turn on the TV and ring in the New Year by myself -- if the kids want to have someone over, that's good with me or if they want to one of their friend's I'm okay with that too. I may have a small bonfire in the smoker and burn some of the hurt and pain from the past year or so away. And then say some prayers for me, my kids and our future.

Other holidays -- I'll deal with those later. Even if Hallmark and the grocery stores want to ram VD down our throat -- we don't have to deal with that right now -- I just don't go down the aisle that has the cards on it or the seasonal items at all anymore.

I just envisioned you taking out your anger on the grocery store, ripping down the displays of cards and candies and knocking over some red teddy bears. It was hilarious.

I agree with whoever said that there are other people who have problems with Valentines day. Why is it ok to be single and fabulous except on February 14th? My mom always told us when we were kids that you can show your love to anyone that day, it doesn't have to be to a boy (can you tell that my sister and I were both late bloomers in the boyfriend dept!?). Maybe you know of someone at you church or in your neighborhood who is lonely and could use a thoughtful note or a chat over some tea? St. Valentine either married Christians in a pagan society or restored sight to a blind daughter of a judge, depending on what you believe. My mom told me that he ministered to prisoners and left little notes (hence valentines) but I can't find out anywhere if that is true or not. ANYWAY, my point is this: do something loving for yourself and others in your life who need it. Then eat a box of chocolate, drink some wine, and wake up on February 15th. Don't take it out on your poor grocery store. :o)

"The wishbone will never replace the backbone." -Will Henry
"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it." -Dorothy Parker

Posts: 208 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States

Gemini71♀ 40115Member # 40115

Posted: 1:49 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013

Remember, February 14th is the day that Saint Valentine was tortured and killed in Rome. It's also the day when seven men were lined up in a garage in Chicago and machine gunned down by thugs in police uniforms. None of this sounds romantic to me!

Hallmark has totally warped that one out of proportion.

Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.

Posts: 2347 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA

ButterflyGirl♀ 38377Member # 38377

Posted: 3:35 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013

I just envisioned you taking out your anger on the grocery store, ripping down the displays of cards and candies and knocking over some red teddy bears.

Now THAT is a therapy session I could really use. Hmm, I wonder if insurance would cover it..

I'm sure I can find other single friends or someone that might be lonely to reach out to that day. That's a great idea..

xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven

Posts: 2805 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida

LoveHerStill♂ 31504Member # 31504

Posted: 5:15 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013

Yeah, pretty much all holidays have been tough for me. 3.5 years out and they are getting better. I still loathe V day though.

There is hope. Once you truly commit to focusing on yourself and letting go, it comes back, and you will appreciate it like never before.

Posts: 567 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Coeur d 'Alene, Idaho

solus sto♀ 30989Member # 30989

Posted: 5:35 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013

It's insane. I was shopping two days BEFORE Christmas--and wandered down the seasonal aisle at the grocery store. You know, to grab the candy canes Santa puts on the tree. (Yeah, never mind that my kids are 17 and 25. Santa still comes.)

I was so taken aback by the Valentine's Day display I texted pics to my kids...

It's not my favorite day (Trac-Fone went out of his way to show me how little he cared each and every V-day we were together--and there were LOTS), but that didn't even register. What registered was the absurdity of the display on December 23.

But I should have expected it, seeing as Macy's had Christmas trees up before school started this past fall.

Now I look at holidays this way: At least nobody is cheating on me. At least I'm not being played for a fool. At least someone isn't buying me a gift and writing a romantic cards the same day that they may or may not have fucked an AP.

I guess I missed this thread, but I really like this ^^^^

It is a good way of looking at not only the holidays (my eleventh anniversary passed last weekend) but our lives in general. No matter how bad we feel as these holidays and other markers come and go, a good mantra would begin with "At least nobody is cheating on me."

I have a stack of greeting cards spanning the course of our marriage, all with accompanying handwritten sentiments of love and appreciation. They are now part of my documentation, if needed, for trial (if it comes to that). Her "love for me" has now become my defense should she follow through with allegations of unhappiness, marital rape....

Very sad no matter how we look at it.

As the new year begins, we are sad. But at least nobody is cheating on us.

Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune