Calling the noble game of bags "cornhole" is an insult

You can tease a Yooper about many things -- his accent, his tendency to slap the term "eh?" onto the end of most sentences, his fondness for deer, beer and flannel. We are good natured
people, by and large, and will take a joke in the spirit with which it is intended.

But you should never question his knowledge of and/or skill at "bags," which is the greatest summer backyard game ever invented. And yet that is precisely what Tim Welker of Fenton
did after I included a brief mention of my bags prowess in a recent column.

He wrote: "Only somebody from the U.P. would call the game 'bags.' The correct name is cornhole. It might be dangerous, but go to Google and type in cornhole. You get the official
Cornhole Association website, and a YouTube cornhole song, and a site for rules and regs.
You can even learn the difference between Cincinnati rules and Kentucky rules.

"My guess is that you probably have one of the plastic models and not the real deal made out of plywood . Tell me if I'm wrong. When you get done playing all the kids in your neighborhood, let me know and we'll set up a match with the big boys. My friend Mike will be my partner, and we'll show you some real cornholing.

"We had a cornhole tournament at my church last year, Linden Free Methodist. We had 40 guys with seven courts. If we have another one this summer or fall, I'll let you know and you
can bring your partner and be humiliated. That probably wouldn't make your column."

Before I respond to the various points made by Mr. Welker, let's get those of you who have never played bags up to speed.

Bags (or as he calls it "cornhole") is a deceptively simple game. You have two inclined boards with a hole. Players alternately lob bags filled with dried beans (or, in the case of cretins, corn) and score points in the following manner: One point for landing a bag on the lower half of the board, two for landing one on the top half and three points for throwing one in the hole. Only
one player can score per round, thus the need to cancel or trump the other player's successful throws with throws of your own.

First player to 21 wins, although many of your more skilled players -- like those in the U.P. -- invoke a penalty for players going over 21, dropping them back to 15.

What makes bags such a great backyard game? Two things. It's easy. Any fool can play it, and often do. And you can play it while drinking a beer or soda, and name me another sport that allows you to do that?

Now let me respond Mr. Welker's remarks e-mail in order.

1) You may call the game "cornhole" if you like. It's every man's right to be wrong.

But Yoopers, being the contextually sensitive types that we are, do not care to call the game by such a crude name, calling to mind, as it does, a distinctly different kind of hole.

Personally, you would not catch a Yooper going around bragging about his ability at cornholing. It sounds vaguely dirty. But then maybe Free Methodists aren't sensitive to such
nuances. I don't know.

But aside from the uncomfortable mental image, the name cornhole is far too simplistic and literal for your average Yooper, whose mind prefers something a little less pedantic. I mean,
honestly -- cornhole? If you're going to call it that, why not call it Thing Throw or Object Toss?

2) I don't care how they play the game in Cincinnati or Kentucky. Cincinnati is a town that puts a thin meat gruel over noodles and calls it "chili." And while I can't say anything bad about Kentucky it's also true that I can't say anything good about it.

3) I am well aware that there are organizations devoted to the game of bags/cornhole, but that doesn't make it right. Yoopers instinctively know that when you organize something, it inevitably loses much of what made it fun in the first place. Bags is not a sport per se. It is a state of mind, and thus doesn't need legislating, ruling bodies and standardized equipment.

In fact, a Yooper would fall over dead from shock, and in the process possibly spill his beer, if during an intense game of bags someone tried to invoke Rule 4, section three, subsection
C of the "official" rules, as established by the American Association of Cornholing, or whatever.

4) A plastic board? You insult me, sir. Plastic, store-bought boards may be popular in Fenton or among Free Wheehee Methodists, but Yoopers play on home constructed boards built
from 2 x 4s and plywood, as God intended. I own two such boards -- one a red, white and blue short board, the other a long-board (for use with bigger bags) painted in the colors of God's own football team, the Green Bay Packers.

5) I'll dismiss Mr. Welker's juvenile suggestion that my game is only good enough to defeat children. But as for his challenge to take on him and his partner, I'd be willing to do that on two conditions:

1) He pay the gas for my brother Bruce -- the second best bagger I know of -- to make the drive down from the U.P. and for the fare across the Mackinac Bridge (currently $3, depending on number of axles).