beware...long and might trigger!

i just want to say hello cuz i feel like i have been neglecting you. it's been one of those weeks here. busy and it's only wednesday. so glad that life will be slowing down some for me. graduated one group and the other will be ending next tuesday. :)

why the breakup and that. well, i am ready to talk/write about it now. i want to share it. i will say a word of caution if you are not in a good spot. some of this will be triggering, i am sure. it was for me.

ok. jody came here the friday before new years. when he got off work he drove down here. all things good and fine. until after katey went to bed. he wanted to have "fun". sex is ok but i was on my period and certainly didn't want anything to do with sex at that moment. he was like, ok. on saturday my friend karen called me. i asked her if she wanted to come spend new years with katey, jody and me. i had asked jody earlier if inviting karen was alright. (i know i didn't have to ask him, but i thought i would be nice and ask anyways). he said sure...any friend of yours is a friend of mine. so when i was chatting with karen, she was telling me that she had just been to the walk in clinic cuz she wasn't feeling good. come to find out she had a double ear infection. she asked if it was really ok to come over since she was sick. of course i said sure. she is about 7 hours from her parents and just wanted someone to "take care" of her while she was sick. lol. (i didn't really take care of her, she wanted some company while she didn't feel good.) lol she got her later in the evening saturday and all was fine and good. i think her and i were sitting there constantly blowing our noses. i also had a nasty cold still. and katey was just finished with her round of antibiotics and i just finished mine as well.
i let karen have my bed so that we could close the door and let her get some good rest. jody took the couch and i took the lazyboy. katey of course was in her own bed too.
sunday was a pretty normal, boring sunday. we didn't go to church cuz none of us were really feeling all that well. make some cocoa and ate cereal.
jody was getting more fidgety and stuff. i came into my bedroom (that is where my computer is) and wanted to check my email. mind you it was nearly noonish...jody comes in and tells me that he had a "blow out" so he needed to take a shower. yeah...he wanted to have sex but i would cuz of my period. so he needed to relieve himself. he is a smoker and goes out to smoke, either on the balcony or out the front door. i was totally disgusted. i was like fine, whatever. sunday night he was very touchy feely and wanted some again. i continued to tell him no cuz of my period. but he just whined and felt sorry for himself, cuz he wasn't getting what he wanted from me. so sulking and pity party all the rest of the night and into new years eve. so most of the day monday he sat around pouting. i was in the kitchen cleaning up some dishes and stuff, he comes in and puts his arm around me and wants a kiss. sure, fine. i am ok with that. i then asked him if he was feeling neglected. he said yes. he said that he was jealous that karen was at my house and that i didn't want to spend any time with him. i reminded him that he was ok with me telling karen it was alright for her to come up and spend the new year with us. he said that he knew and continued to sulk and feel sorry for himself. needless to say, i had had just about enough of him and his all about me stuff.
that night, we all sat around the kitchen table eating supper. we ordered out pizza and were just sitting there being silly and just doing what "families" do for supper. as we were cleaning up, katey decided that she wanted to show karen how she could do a summersault. so she did. we had just got done cleaning up and putting the table back so that it wasn't in the middle of the dining room. there was a knock at the door. it was a police officer. she was wondering if we were fighting up here. um no!! i told the officer that we had just gotten done eating supper and putting things away. that katey did a summersault and that was about it. we just got into the living room to watch a little tv and gab some more. the officer left. the lady that continually bitches about katey and i being loud called them. she is the lady below us. i was mad as hell. that was totally uncalled for. i really wanted to go down and give that lady a piece of my mind, but i didn't cuz i didn't want to regret it. i have been having problems with this lady ever since we moved in here.
ok, so the evening went on. got katey into the tub for her bath and jody and karen and i got out the game called Mad Gab. we figured out how to play it and just played a few go rounds while katey was in the tub. what a fun game by the way! lol got katey outta the tub and her jammies on and read stories and then got her in bed. she was so not settled that night. i think she knew something was going on. she was up and down and up and down for hours. about 10:30 pm, i finally decided i would just go in and lay with her in her bed until she fell asleep. she didn't go to sleep right away, so was there for a bit. i guess it was nearly midnight when jody came in to wish me a happy new year. he gave me a kiss and asked me how much longer i would be in there. i told him, until i know that she is asleep. he got huffy and left. ok, i was steaming again in my head. i had had enough of him for that day. finally i was able to come out of katey's room, i knew she was asleep. karen, jody and i sat out in the living room for about another hour just yakking and watching some of the after party stuff of the new york new years bash. karen said that she was going to go to bed. told her good night, then it was just me and jody. again, he asked me to have sex with him. he knew i was furious. then covered up with a blanket and fell asleep on the couch.
tuesday morning, was cold and dreary out. karen wanted to leave shortly after lunch cuz she had an hour drive back to urbandale and wanted to get home before dark. we all said our goodbyes and she went on her way. the minute after the door shut, he came up to me and grabbed me around my waist. he said to me that he was waiting for some alone time with me. katey was napping and the apartment was pretty much quiet. i again told him no. needless to say i was very irritated with him. he went into the bedroom and started messing on the computer and such. i decided to take a snooze in the living room.
after supper, did the routine with katey cuz she had preschool the next day. got her to bed and then it was just me and him. he was sitting on the couch feeling all sorry for himself again. finally i talked to him (or maybe it was at him). told him that i was angry that he wasn't listening to me, angry that he was so jealous of karen being here, angry that he thought he had to be the center of attention, etc. he said he was sorry. but you know when they are just words and when they aren't. his was just words. soon i was exhausted and ready to sleep too. it was getting late and nothing was really on tv. then this commercial for celias or viagra came on. towards the end where the man and lady walk out the door, jody commented , "at least someone is getting some tonight". ohhhhh i about blow a gasket. i was more than pissed. he got up and went out for a smoke. he came back in and asked me if it was ok if he went in the bedroom and "relieved" himself. OMFG!! you have got to be kidding me. i just sat there not able to move. he went in my bedroom, closed the door and brought up some porn on my computer and relieved himself. about 45 minutes later or so, i heard him get into the shower. i decided that i didn't want to even look at him, so i went into katey's room and slept in bed with her.
the next morning he got up early cuz he needed to drive back to mason so that he could be to work by 8 am. he really didn't say much at all before he left. he knew he had stepped clearly over the line. i was so relieved when he was actually out the door. i hurried over and locked it and went and layed on the couch. when he came home from work, he called me. let me tell you, i sure gave him a piece of my mind. i told him what he had done all weekend was totally unacceptable. i could not and would not let him hurt me anymore. and katey too. though i know he has never laid a hand on her! thank god!
he kept apologizing and all that crap, but i didn't and haven't bought any of it. it's all bull. he says he is going to get counseling and that. but he has told me that story before when we dated.
my theory is that he is addicted to sex. from my previous experience with him, this is what my gut is telling me. i found some information on sex addiction along with talking to angie. he really fits the criteria. except for the being violent part. he has never hit me or anything like that, but all the other stuff fits. he is flat out an abuser. yesterday i got a list of abuser characteristics from my STEPPS group. we were talking about healthy relationships in there. i about fell over when i read this. it so fit!!
anyways, that is why the relationship ended. sorry i wrote so much...seems like forever. he still thinks that this is all fixable and that we will still be together forever...but i keep telling him no. if he is addicted to sex and that, i just can't and won't go down that road. he still emails me and wants to call me, but i won't talk to him by phone. his emails are sappy and drowning in the poor me crap.
as for me and katey, we are still doing good. i am really ok. i have talked this out with angie and tami (group leaders from allen) and today i spent time talking with nikki. she is my supported community living worker along with our family therapist. she is just totally awesome to talk to.
well, i guess i have dragged this on long enough. thank you if you got this far in reading this event. i really hope it makes sense now.
julie

My DH does the same pity party when he doesn't get his way with 'getting some.' It's annoying.

Even just the mere mention of sex, torks me off.

I don't give in, unless I am in the mood too.

According to my DH, guys have their &quot;needs&quot;, and maybe that is part of a healthy relationship, and that of a healthy sex life has come up in his therapy...and ours is definitely not for him, and I can second that...but I have PTSD from SA...so that affects our intimate life. Not fair at all to him, and me either, but that's how it is for now.

Glad you looked into it, and are setting your boundaries and limits to keep you and your dtr safe.

i think because i am a survivor of SA that i needed to really look at this relationship. i had dated him before off and on, i feel like i should have known...
but i am really glad i am out of the relationship now.
thank you for your words of kindness.

I miss traveling with my husband. Has anyone found a specific site regarding cruising for widow/widowers or any sightseeing trips. Not interested in being with couples and kids,,,I realize a cruise ship will have a portion size of families and couples, but perhaps they also put together a part of the cruise ship for groups of widows/widowers????

A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...

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