Male Pattern Dadness, by Scotty Schrier.

First, what is male pattern dadness (MPD)?

MPD afflicts a majority of dads. The sad part is that most dads don’t even know they have it until it’s too late; Johnny gets in with the wrong crowd, or Suzy becomes a stripper. The key is to detect the warning signs early. Then, do something about them.

The indications of MPD are:

General sense of being unconnected with the baby.

Baby doesn’t like you very much. In fact, baby prefers just about everyone over you.

Overall fear of breaking the baby.

Overwhelming thoughts of “Man, I can’t wait until this kid gets bigger so we can play together.”

Whether you suffer from minor MPD or a full-on case, I have discovered a new drug for you! And the best part is, that you only have to take it once a day.

It’s called Changethenex* and it’s available without a prescription!

Face it, dad. Your baby is a selfish little snot and that’s not going to to change any time soon. In fact, it’s a survival tactic that all the successful babies are using. The reason is, when they get hungry, they can’t just get up and go make a sammich. When they have to go potty … they do, wherever they are.

Downside to being a baby, you can’t clean yourself up. Upside to being a baby, you have a bevy of servants to do it for you!

That’s right, and like every benevolent ruler, they place favor on those that can fill the most needs. Want to gain favor with your child? Change the next diaper. Soon, you will be in baby’s good graces. They will trust you more and see you as someone who can fulfill their needs. And well … isn’t that some of the foundations of love? And really, if you wait until your kid is old enough to play ball in the backyard, you waited too late. Form that bond now. Just once a day and you’ll notice a change. You might even start changing more than one a day! But pace yourself, cowboy. There are plenty of pooty-bombs in your future.

Now here are some of the side effects of using Changethenex*.

Your baby trusts you more.

Your wife respects you more.

There’s a general feeling of you being an awesome dad floating around the air.

You’ll become the envy of other moms everywhere when they see you taking baby to the restroom in public!

And who knows, with giving mom a break … you just might get a little bit more ‘daddy-time’ when baby finally goes to sleep. *wink wink nudge nudge knowwhatImean?*

As some of you know, my wife is currently on hospital bed rest. So, I have changed every single diaper for the last three weeks. And I’m SO glad I starting using Changethenex* back when he was first born, because now, I’m a friggen champ! (Think of the dad changing the tire on A Christmas Story. TIME ME!) And the upside is, my son had a much less traumatic change of environment because he knew he could trust me to get his needs taken care of. And really guys, being a daddy means showing up.

So, if you suffer from Male Pattern Dadness … change it up, man. Get your head out of the 50’s and get involved early. You’ll get nothing but benefits from it. I promise.

*Changethenex cannot promise that your kids will not fall in with the wrong crowds or become strippers.