A few days of living a fantasy tango life,for me it was a (short) milonga life.Eat, dance, sleep, dance. Repeat.Dancing with friends, old and new. Dancing with strangers.Unfamiliar music, and old favorites.

A Hugo Diaz song that seared my heart and made me feel like I was dancing several inches into the ground.(That feeling of rough, wet soil under your feet, sinking a little,surrounding your toes, holding you to the earth . . .that's what Hugo Diaz feels like for me . . . )

Heart-melting vals sets, Joyful milonga tandas that pushed away every care and worry.The freedom to dance and dance and dance until I could hardly stand up.

But the world, my non-tango life, marched on.It knew I would have to come out some time.

Thank you to Dearest, Darlingest Husband, and to Patrick, Mardi, Mark and Marcus, for making it possible for me to participate in Austin's Fandango de Tango. I wouldn't have been able to do it without you all.

I forced myself to wait for quite awhile before posting this. As it turns out, time isn't making me less annoyed, so here goes.

For some reason (or maybe many reasons), I am simply infuriated by this:

From Sherpal1 on Tango-L,

"[To Michael] ...you are absolutely correct...woman show no sense of taste or discrimination...and it perpetuates the existence of clowns in a community...women need to know it is better not to dance than to dance poorly...i know of no other commodity that is consumed endlessly regardless of taste, excellence, value, expertise, effectiveness besides dance...woman just want to dance and they accept any old bone....women need to bring their sense of consumerism to the dance floor and only accept the dance of a man that is their equal or better....practicas are where a woman can assist an inferior dancer to be better. I do not want to seem harsh here, only to encourage women to stop rewarding bad leads with a dance...."

There are so many problems with this, I don't know where to begin.

1.) How would one determine, without previously dancing with a particular dancer, what his or her skill level is? Should you only dance with people you know so as not to take the chance?

2.) How do you know that a previously "inferior dancer" is still inferior?

3.) Maybe those things that you might judge as inferior are more about your dance, than their dance. How can you be completely sure it's not at least in part, you?

4.) and most difficult to ascertain - how do you judge inferiority? Inferior in what way? Vocabulary (which is meaningless to me in most cases, presuming you can manage your way around the the pista)? Musicality - isn't that a matter of interpretation? Connection? Navigation? What? What if you are great at musicality, but his gift is navigation and connection? What then? Is he still "inferior"?

The only dancers I turn down are the ones who have hurt me, or gotten me hurt, on the dance floor. Even then, I'll keep an eye on them, work with them at practicas, and give them a try later, if they are so inclined.

What I have always seen to be true at least in my community, is that you just never know. That awkward, hesitant gentleman who may have started tango two months ago, may have a sense of the music that knocks followers' socks off. The rest will come. If the "more experienced" dancers never dance with the less experienced dancers in a milonga where they can really learn how to behave in context of social dancing, how will they ever grow? Practicas are awesome and I don't think it's possible to have too many, honestly. But they're not milongas and eventually dancers have to be tested, and put their miles in, there.

Speaking from my own experience, which of course is limited and not completely comparable, I would rather spend my time dancing with those gentlemen who have invested in my dancing from the very beginning - men who started with me, those that started after me, and those who were far more advanced. I would rather dance with those dancers who stuck with me through my brilliant moments, and my immense suckage, who invested not only in me - but also invested in the community.

For me, because as usual, I can only really speak for myself, dancing is not about leveling up. It's about community. When I dance with my partner, we are both also dancing with everyone else on the pista. When we behave in a way that feels as though we are all looking out for one another, instead of trying to out step/run/gancho/boleo each other, there is no better feeling I know of. To embrace, and be embraced by, a community is not a default state. You have to work at it. All . the . time . The work never stops.

The lovely dancers, leaders and followers, in my community who mentored me (and continue to mentor me), have always stressed that if you don't invest your time and energy helping and building the community, that's absolutely your prerogative. No one will make you. But don't complain later that the community doesn't meet your expectations.

I'll tuck my soap box back under the bed now. Thank you as always, for reading.

There's been some great discussion going on around the blogs and tango forums about teaching - when to teach, best practices etc. And it's provided a lot of thoughtful material. I have strong opinions on the subject, but since I'm not a tango teacher, I wanted to wait and think on it for awhile before jumping in with my two cents as a student/consumer and as a trainer.

I've mentioned in previous posts that in my former life as a makeup artist, I was a trainer for many cosmetic lines. I was also a trainer who trained trainers. I use that knowledge absolutely every day, and when I forget the lessons I learned in that environment, I'm almost always sorry for it.

What I Learned Training Trainers: Everyone is Listening

The last cosmetic retailer I worked and trained for had no commission structure. We were a team of 22 people selling every line (theoretically) without favor. I learned to maintain a very fine line when I started training on the different lines, and then training to train incoming staff. No favoritism meant that one week I would be teaching team members the amazing benefits of "Company A" skin care, the next week I would be training the competing "Company B" line. Often these training sessions would go on during store hours to build excitement from customers coming in to browse. How could I promote every line in the store without sounding like a hypocrite? It was, at first, very awkward and stressful. I was more enthusiastic in my training on some products than others. We all did the best we could, and we admitted our biases pretty openly to each other, and to customers when it came up. But we all had to keep our biases in check to meet the overall goal of the store - and to make people feel comfortable shopping with us.

Essentially, we could (and were encouraged to) promote every line equally. It's a great goal, and I tried very hard to do just that. I focused on the strengths of each company's products, "Line bashing" or criticizing particular lines or products, especially in generalities, was very much discouraged. Not only because it's distracting from the goal of actually learning the material (and selling the product), but you never knew who was listening. You never knew if someone's background, customer or student, put them in a far more knowledgeable position than your own. The message was simple, don't assume what they know, or don't know. This of course leads to one of the most important bits of advice - know your audience. If you don't know - learn, and learn fast, because training and selling are about what they need from you - not about what you want to give them.

Respect your students/customers. One of my trainers reminded us frequently that when you dismiss or belittle someone's preference for a competing product/style/service - you're also belittling their judgment, their taste, even, depending on what you're trying to teach or sell, their sense of worth. It was perfectly acceptable to tell students and customers our personal preferences, as long as they were framed as exactly that - personal preferences.

Lesson: Be impeccable with your word.(1) Understand your own biases because they will show in your tone of voice, in your facial expressions, in your posture. Stick with what you know. Admit what you don't know. Acknowledge openly that it's okay for your students and customers to like what they like. But here's the trick: you have to mean it. Walk the walk you're talking.

Saying you're just trying to provide options, in a tone of voice that says, "but the other options suck" - is pretty much belittling under the guise of educating. It's not professional and it will bite you in the ass later. Smirking, rolling eyes, deep sighing - all of those things let your students know that you may be saying that it's okay to have your own preferences - but really it's only okay if they agree with yours.

The same goes for outside your classes. Derogatory comments made in social settings aren't any more acceptable. It's not fair, I realize. It would be nice to be able to say what we like when we're "off-duty" but as teachers surrounded by potential students (for me students and customers) there is no off-duty. Same goes, unfortunately, for teachers/trainers with blogs. You're running a business. Think carefully about what you write. And remember the deep and meaningful wisdom of this age-old business adage: Be careful whose toes you step on today, they might be attached to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow.

The point of all this . . .

By now, very patient readers, you're probably getting where I'm going with this. Just as much as it is a culture, a lifestyle, a heritage - tango is also a product for sale in cities all over the world. Every instructor has their own strengths and preferences. No teacher can be, or really should try to be, all things to all people. I don't have words to express how much I admire teachers that stay out of the in-fighting and "trash-talking" and instead build communities - often from the ground up. All while walking that very fine line of promoting themselves and growing the community. It's a hard job and I'm grateful for the teachers that take up the task.

(1) - While I'm not big on self-help books, there was one book whose premise I've tried very hard to remember in every interaction of my life, and that's the Four Agreements. In teaching anything, training anything - the four agreements have served me very well.

I finally took a pre-milonga mini class with different local tango teachers, who tend to teach (though not always) open embrace, and more nuevo-style moves. They may classify things differently, but when the pattern you're teaching includes a few sacadas, a gancho and a high boleo, in open embrace - that falls into nuevo for me.

The Embrace

At first I was a bit excited because our teachers said this class was going to focus on connection. I thought, wow, how did we get so lucky? Then they demonstrated the pattern we were going to learn, and I got confused. The embrace was open, with the woman's left hand on the man's right tricep. We were to keep our arms (on the closed side of the embrace) relaxed but firm, and close to our sides so we could feel the "connection". When I felt awkward trying to maintain the embrace, the leader told me that I should really try to "grip" the man's tricep. The only time I have ever heard the term "grip" in tango, it has been preceded emphatically by the words "DO NOT". So, like open embrace volcadas I learned about last month, this was all totally new territory for me.

I think I would have to spend a lot of time really practicing open embrace for it to feel anything but awkward. Right now, truly open embrace feels a lot like this to me:

I feel like I'm miles away from my partner. It's hard to hear/feel the music in my leader through what little connection we have in our arms and occasionally sides. And while our teachers described the embrace as 'flexible', what I had always thought of as flexible embrace was pretty much close embrace moving to open-on-one side embrace - not completely flung apart, holding on to my leader's arm. That's all new stuff for me as well.

I'm actually starting to get used to the flexible embrace (that moves from close to "v") - it's not quite as good as close all the way through, but I understand that close embrace limits the vocabulary somewhat. Opening the embrace on one side means we get to do some other fun things and I get that, I really do. Plus there are a couple of leaders who are very good at making me feel secure and warmly embraced, even through the opening and closing distance. Maybe not surprisingly, my comfort in the dynamic or flexible embrace has a lot more to do with the leader's connection to the music, then his skill with the moves.

I did try to get the (open) embrace right and get a feel for it during the class - and a bit during the milonga later. But it's a bit like when a leader asked me, after he insisted we dance a milonga tanda in open, "wasn't that much more fun than in close?"

Um.. more fun compared to what? Compared to dancing milonga in close embrace where, by the end of the song, I can feel your breath against my cheek, and our hearts racing against each other's chests? Not so much compared to that. Still okay, mind you, there's still a lot of fun to be had. But it's just not the same feeling.

The Boleos and Ganchos

So here were 6 dancers (3 couples - an even match, hooray!) of primarily close embrace, traditional tango, learning a pattern that we would probably never execute in its complete form on the pista during a milonga. In that 45 minute class of practicing this, and another similar pattern, I'm pretty sure I performed more boleos then I had done in the 20 or so months I've been dancing tango.

Surprisingly, my high boleos don't completely suck from lack of practice.* Since the dance floor was almost empty, we practiced them again, and again, and again, and again. . . And as the milonga that followed had maybe 10 couples (and never dancing all at one time), a couple of my leaders felt inclined to lead them more often. This time, since we had acres of space, I actually followed them as high as they were led.

I still don't get the appeal of them though - at least not socially. On a stage or during a performance you need to perform moves that can be seen - not just felt. To me a smooth arch connecting with the floor feels more sensual, and has more possibilities, than kicking up into the air, but maybe that's just my own limitations. At least I know I *can* follow them high if they're led - assuming I'm ever on a dance floor with that much space again. But rest assured, there's absolutely no risk of me turning into this follower any time soon:

As for the gancho... it's still not my favorite. No matter how many times or how well they're led, they just always feel a bit forced. Like gilding the lily. I keep trying though, and maybe someday I'll feel natural following them, but it may be awhile. (Also, it would be very helpful if teachers would emphasize to leaders that simply opening your legs is not actually leading a gancho. But I digress... )

So that was my excursion into tango nuevo/open embrace dancing. While it was more entertaining than I thought it would be, I still couldn't wait to get back to milonguero. I'll keep giving it a whirl every time they have one of their pre-milonga classes, at least so I can better understand what the leaders taught by those teachers are actually trying to lead when I dance with them.

* That's probably because Silvina Valz, who taught the only boleo class I've ever been to (and that's because I was photographing it), teaches them very, very well. It may have been a year and a half ago but I still remembered the material.

Part 3: Making the Honeymoon Last, for other dancers . . .The Care and Feeding of New Tangueros/as

NOTE: I am not a teacher and these are only my thoughts on what appears to work in my own community. I hear a lot of the same advice in other communities, so I'm pretty sure this is pretty applicable stuff. Please feel free to shoot down, comment, argue, debate, add, etc.)

1. From the very beginning, let them know the expectations of the community - the etiquette, floor craft, the ways of doing things, resources they can seek out for info on music, on history, on community affairs. Emphasize the community before the steps. The steps aren't going to keep them in tango - the community experience probably will.2. Dance with them.3. Spread the word. Talk them up. Introduce them around. For leaders, if appropriate, let them know who might be most likely to accept their cabeceo. (It's really best to check with potential tangueras beforehand.) And make sure they now how to use the cabeceo.4. Dance with them.5. Limit criticism to classes and practicas - and try to keep it encouraging. And of course, encourage them to go to practicas as much as possible.6. Dance with them.7. Get them involved in events.8. Dance with them.9. Share your experiences - good and bad, enlightening and embarrassing. Empathize.10. Dance with them.

Note: This is about the Austin tango community and I'm told again and again, that Austin is the exception and not the rule. Your community might not be like this. But what if it could be?

After I had been in tango for a short while, maybe 9-12 months of going to milongas/classes/workshops dancing 10-15 hours a week, I noticed a fairly sharp decline in invitations to dance. Some gentlemen who had been inviting me pretty regularly seemed to be moving on to the next round of new tangueras and it stung a little bit. I thought it meant that I wasn't new enough (or young enough) to be novel anymore, and not experienced or skilled enough to attract invitations based on my ability. The newer ladies coming in from the University's tango class were about half my age, and looked far better in their stilettos than I looked in my conservative 2.5 " tango t-straps.

In short, I was bummed.

It took awhile for me to more accurately gauge what was happening, find a new way to approach it, and stop taking it quite so personally. Almost 2 years in, I have a ~slightly~ better understanding of what was happening, then and now.

One of the followers who was in my class and finding herself sitting a lot more right along with me commented, "well, looks like the honeymoon is over." At first I agreed. It felt a bit like that, honestly. I felt like I was at loose ends - not knowing what I needed to do to dance more. And it's hard to keep positive attitude when you're sitting a lot more than you want to.

So, I did what I always do. I asked the more experienced dancers who were dancing a lot what they thought the key was. I watched them, saw how they behaved - and how the gentlemen who asked them to dance behaved.

What follows, I think, is the key to why the Austin tango community is as strong as it is . . .

Several of our most experienced dancers (by most experienced I mean dancing the better part of a decade or more), both leaders and followers, invest a great deal of time, effort and energy welcoming, encouraging and helping newer dancers. I'm not referring to the teachers in town, though they make their own contributions. These non-teaching advanced dancers consistently go to practicas and work with other dancers. They chat with and introduce new people around. They network - and encourage other dancers to do the same. They offer encouraging words, and if asked, some advice on navigating the tango world. Occasionally, they talk up some of the newer dancers and spread the word about good dance experiences with them. Once a dancer's 'training wheels" are off, usually anywhere from a few months to a year or so later, that support can drop a bit as they have to spend time on the newer dancers coming in.

Their advice to me, without exception: "Get busy." Now that I had a little more experience (just enough to be more experienced than the absolutely newest people), it was time to start paying it forward. Of course I wasn't in a position to help leaders with the technical aspects of their dance, since I was still pretty new myself. But I could do a lot of other very important things to help ensure their success (and my own).

The first thing I did, since I had time on my hands during the milongas, and because I couldn't sit still for very long anyway, was to start socializing more with other dancers who were also sitting for one reason or another. Learned names. (OK, I friended them on Facebook, because without Facebook, I can't seem to remember anyone's name. Sad, I know.) Got to know people - and let them get to know me.

I kept going to the beginner classes (along with the intermediate classes) until I couldn't afford to take classes anymore. This was not only good practice, but I got to work with more and more people, make more friends, and learn more about the tango community I was becoming a part of. That's when I noticed that many other dancers continued to take the beginner and intermediate classes far longer than their skill lever required them to. They did it for the practice, but mostly to help the next group of dancers coming in.

This experience crossed over into the milongas. I noticed the more I danced with less experienced leaders, the more I got asked to dance generally, by all levels of dancers. I got to know more and more people, and got to involved in more events. That's when my learning process really shifted.

I still go to classes and workshops when I can afford to, but it's not very often. I learn the most from social dancing (in practicas and milongas) - from dancing as much as I can, with everyone that I can. I don't go to everyone milonga and practica, because DH would prefer that I have at least some nights at home, but I still dance about 10 hours a week. Sometimes I can't dance with everyone I would like to either because I run out of time, or because I'm in pain - but I try.

If I have enough time at the milongas to feel bad that I'm not dancing enough (and it does happen), I have enough time to get busy helping someone else.

Maestra: Grande! Grande! (exasperated sigh) You dance too small, too quiet. You hold too much back.Me (looking at my feet and feeling disproportionately defensive by her remark): Well, I get plenty of dances at the milonga. (I admit, not one of my better moments.)Maestra: (sigh) That is because you are simpatico.

Despite the sound of it, Maestra was not criticizing me, or giving me a backhanded compliment with that description, however nor was she complimenting me. Her appraisal was almost completely neutral. I thought about that remark for weeks.

What did she mean? Was I only getting dances because I was nice? Did she mean my dancing wasn't very good? Was I coasting? Did leaders just feel sort of bad for me and that's why they asked me to dance?

Finally I came to a realization about myself and about what tango means to me. If I get danced as much as I do because I'm comfortable, or because I'm nice, or because I'm easy to please, or because, as my husband suggests, I giggle any time I dance to anything - then I think that is a good thing.

I asked myself the question, if I had to choose between being asked to dance because I was a skilled dancer, or because I was a kind dancer - which would I choose? (Obviously, I would like to be both - but if I had to choose.)

If I could only be one or the other, I would rather be kind.

Sometimes I think that can be the harder path to walk. The rules are fuzzier. The risks and vulnerability feel far greater. But the pay off is out of this world.

Melina Sedo wrote, in thecomments on her new blog, "Melina's Two Cents",

" . . . please look at youtube-videos of famous dance couples: you'll find lots of rather homely, round or old famous Maestros, but very few of their partners will weigh more than 55 kilos or be elder than 35."

I wanted to comment about this since it was mostly the dancers I have listed here, and the several outstanding local tangueras (all over the age of 50) that inspired me not only to start my tango journey, but inspired me when I was feeling down about my dancing. Here are a dozen famous milongueras and teachers all over the age of 35, in various shapes and sizes, dancing all over the world. (I decided to stop at 12 since I ran out of time - there are many, many more.)

There is a very popular beliefthat, when given the opportunity, tangueros will most often choose the younger, prettier (and often newer) tango dancers over the older, more experienced, or less attractive tangueras at the milonga. After all, the assumption goes, men are more visual, more interested in looks over quality etc. etc. Women, the assumption continues, are more interested in quality over appearance. Is that true?

In my (granted limited) experience, sometimes yes, mostly no. That's the problem with generalizations - in the end, they just aren't helpful. They don't provide any real anwers. Assumptions and stereotypes accomplish little more than encouraging negative feelings - about others and about ourselves. "Leaders only want to dance with hot, new 20-something tangueras." "Followers only want to dance with advanced leaders who can help them 'level-up' in their dance." These comments and stereotypes are MOST hurtful to the people who don't behave that way. And let's face it, the ones who do fit that MO, probably aren't reading your (or my) blog. That's just the way it goes.

There are many reasons men ask, or don't ask, particular women to dance on any given night. When I was curious enough, I asked leaders, both local and remote (since I have a blog and people seem to be used to me asking all sorts of questions) how they choose their partners. Note, none of these are new comments or ideas. Tango bloggers all over the web have written similar things - but I wanted to put together a more concise list of the reasons I felt were most important to note in this context.

Leaders reading this list, especially those who I did not get to ask, please weigh in on this list - and add your own reasons, too.

They choose:1. . . .their friends and the people they know best. This just reaffirms what we should already know, tango is social.2. . . . followers that were in their classes or workshops. A couple of dancers told me this was especially true during festivals which gave them the opportunity to cautiously work in at least some of the material they learned with partners that would have a good idea of what to expect.3. . . . new people, regardless of age or ability - meaning new to tango, or simply new to the community - it doesn't matter. They make an effort to welcome the unfamiliar faces.4. . . . followers who are sitting a great deal - but mostly if they're by themselves (not socializing).5. . . . followers who make them feel good about their dancing,6. . . . followers they don't get to see very often - out of town/visiting dancers,7. . . . followers that look happy dancing - and look happy (and approachable) off the dance floor as well.

Why they might not choose a particular tanguera -

1. Some leaders have said that they're simply too intimidated or nervous to ask certain dancers (particularly teachers and advanced dancers). Often this is because of a past bad experience of being lectured on the milonga floor, though not even necessarily by the follower in question.2. if it looks like she's been dancing a lot, and someone else is dancing far less.3. if she's scowling or frowning at the dance floor.4. (I was surprised by this, but shouldn't have been) if they have heard her make disparaging remarks about other leaders or other dancers generally.5. if they're facing away from the dance floor and/or are appearing to be involved in a conversation with friends.

At the end of all this, we simply can't know why Tanguero A invited one tanguera over another. It's easy to make assumptions, but making those assumptions can suck the joy out of the dance and keep us out of "the moment". And railing against the unfairness of it, even if the assumptions are true, doesn't turn things around at all.

There are tangueros in my (relatively small) community that almost never ask me to dance - a couple of them have not asked one time in the almost 2 years I've been dancing. Sometimes I think I might know why, but I really don't. I can guess, speculate, stew about it - but guessing doesn't change it, and doesn't help me. I have to focus my attention - ALL of my attention - on the leaders who do want to dance with me.

Michelle Erdemsel said it well, "we're (followers) not victims." Ultimately we are all responsible for our own enjoyment of the dance, the milonga, the music, and of our tango communities. Some nights will be blissful - other nights will make us wonder if it was worth shaving our legs and putting on makeup. Same as the rest of our lives. We can be frustrated, annoyed, even angry at certain things, but to stay in the moment and find the joy in tango, and in life, we have to find ways to connect to each other and keep our minds open.

I know I should post my complete notes on Murat and Michelle's class before diving into something specific (and ranty), but this can't wait. M&M spent a great deal of time and effort, not just talking about etiquette on floorcraft, but demonstrating it. The two concepts I was most happy to hear about were the "male cabeceo" and leaders forming "trains" on the pista. For people who have traveled to Denver and some of the larger tango festivals, this wasn't new information, but it's something that isn't taught very often in our local classes.

The male cabeceo - making eye contact (essentially getting approval) from the leader that will be behind you as you enter the dance floor with your partner.

"Leaders when entering the line of dance, make eye contact with the on coming traffic of leaders and acknowledge that you’d like to enter the line of dance and ONLY enter when you have consented acknowledgement of the leader next in the lane of dance. This also means do NOT allow your follower to jump onto the floor or into the flow of dance. YOU as a leader are responsible for her. However ifthere is an open gap in the line of dance, you MAY be able to slip in, but thatgap should be several partners wide. Don’t think a few feet here, but ratherYARDS of space."

Murat and Michelle also talked about forming the "train" and creating flow on the dance floor, Basically, choose your space (what leaders you want to dance between) carefully. It's worth the wait to try to get more conscientious dancers at least on one side of you if you can.

"Leaders follow leaders." Murat and Michelle discussed the advantage of shaping your dance in a similar fashion to the leader in front of you (this is why it's important to choose your space carefully). If you hate the way the leader in front of you is dancing see No.2. Now that you know how he (or they) dances, you can choose more carefully where you enter the dance floor next time, and avoid him/them. Of course when they're careening around the floor twice as fast as everyone else, they may be very hard to avoid for long.

More from BlueTango.org:

"A phenomenon seen at festivals such as Denver and Portland, where many of thebest dancers in the country congregate, is that people form a “train” bysandwiching themselves between other dancers with good floorcraft. Not only does good floorcraft lead to a better dance experience, but bonding often arises out of mutual respect."

While Murat and Michelle were here, several of the dancers that attended the classes made great effort at floor craft during those weekend milongas. We all tried to pay extra attention during the milongas and work together to create a sense of flow and comraderie on the pista. It was truly a lovely experience.

It's been a little more than a week and it feels like the material is just evaporating. During Saturday's milonga, which was a beautiful milonga despite this following rant, one leader backed into the line of dance, knocking his posterior into my partner and me, and didn't say a word - just kept going. And he did this several times - sending the couple behind him veering into the middle of the floor to avoid him. He was in the class where we talked about this very thing - and why leaders should not enter the line of dance that way.

Only a very few leaders made eye contact with the other leader behind him before getting in front of him, or even looked for an entrance into the line of dance. Two other leaders ping-pong'ed around the line of dance, zipping around other leaders.

There is a reason this topic was discussed, gentlemen. Leaders who attended the class, did you notice the look of relief and almost pure elation from the followers when Murat talked about how important it was that the follower feel safe? That good floor craft was the key to everyone enjoying the dance? That community and environment were just as important as steps, musicality, partnership - and you - your own experience of the dance?

An occasional bump here and there happens, particularly on a busy floor. But if you're bumping several times a dance - it really might be you.

So leaders, please think about these things:

1. Do not enter the line of dancing by backing in, butt-first ahead of the couple behind you.2. If the couple in front of you isn't moving as fast as you'd like, chill out. If you get frustrated, that's pretty much all your partner feels from you - frustration. How great of a dance do you think that feels like?3. If you have to pass more than one couple in a dance - it's more than likely not them, it's you. Slow down.

One final note, that I should have mentioned first thing:To the leaders I saw making eye contact with other leaders and working so hard to maintain and encourage flow on the dance floor, thank you, thank you, thank you. You guys rock.

The ever-traveling photographer-tanguero, Neil Liveakosvisited our community last month and took lovely photos at our milongas, including some gorgeous ones of Austin Piazzolla Quintet at Esquina Tango, and the one below from our Texas French Bread Restaurant milonga. (For some reason, my favorite pictures of myself are almost always in motion.)

EDIT: I left out two sentences from the reader in BsAs's comment, that I thought I had copied and pasted from drafts, but didn't. I shouldn't publish when I'm so sleepy . . . .

I've gotten a tremendous amount of email regarding the last post, and I think you so much for all the feedback, both good and bad. There were a few things I wanted to share from my inbox that I thought might be enlightening, or didn't get addressed in the original post.

From reader in BsAs who says, "followers should have no style of their own. Their job is to follow, that's all.(ADDED-->)Many followers say they are expressing the music when all they are really doing is back leading. Tango is not a democracy."I am not a piece of furniture, nor am I deaf.This topic is address rather well in a video here.

From P in California, "Are there pictures of you somewhere in a post or something?"I don't know honestly. Maybe. I haven't seen any - at least not related to this subject. There are certainly pictures of me doing the things listed in those posts - splayed fingers, arm too high, and ironically, too low, flexed ankles etc etc.

From reader in Georgia who asked, "Where are the posts that you're talking about?"I decided not to link to, or list, or name, the blog and forum posts that I referenced because frankly, they get enough traffic without me. I want to support the sites/writers/blogs/posts that have positive things to say, and critiquing that's done without ugliness. Speaking of which, I really ought to list more of the good ones. There are several great resources.

From my friend T, who suggests the offending parties watch this: Salt-n-Pepa's 1993 classic - None of Your Business(probably NSFW). While that's extremely funny, it probably wouldn't encourage a very open dialogue. Hilarious though. And thanks a lot, now I have that song in my head.

From reader IC, location unknown, "Why do you quote Gavito so much?"Because I'm a rabid-Gavito-groupie-fan-girl. Sorry, I know it's very sad. Plus he has loads and loads of really awesome quotes to use. Of course I get that way over Biagi, Pugliese, Calo and Rodriguez (Enrique) - but they don't have tons of easily applicable quotes. *shrug*

From M, location unknown, "The post is good, but a bit long for the subject don't you think?"Yes I did consider writing a post that was less lengthy on the subject. In fact the first draft was quite succinct. However, I thought later that "kiss my ass" might not encourage the sort of dialogue I was hoping for.

Another M, location withheld," . . . what brings us all together is our love of this dance- and if people have joy on their faces and lightness filling their heart then who cares what they look like, because really, isn't that what we wake up for and look for every day of our lives? "

Exactly. I couldn't have said it better. Ever consider starting a blog? ((abrazos))

"This is for those who use the Internet for a lot of hanky panky things, okay? If you use the Internet, use for the positive basis of tango, not negatives. Talk about the ones who dance well. Don't talk about the ones you don't like. Ignore them."

I know it has always been this way, and this is probably wasted breath, but there is just so much negativity in the discussion of tango when it comes to the issue of styles and embrace etc.. I've reached some kind of critical mass and can't bite my tongue anymore.

I am a fairly conservative tango dancer. I strongly prefer close embrace/milonguero/apilado embraces. (Or, as my teacher put it, I just like to be 'buttons to buttons'.) If you lead me a high boleo at a milonga, I'll follow it low and on the floor. It takes a pretty sparse pista to get my heel off the floor. So I'm definitely not one for advocating big or flashy moves on the dance floor - quite the opposite.

What I don't understand is why people post pictures and videos (on blogs, forums, news lists, Facebook etc.), of tango dancers, both famous and anonymous, and then ridicule them? When the idea is to illuminate problems of posture, or suggest more comfortable alternatives, as Tango Cherie does here, that's actually very helpful - and not the sort of post I'm talking about.

I'm talking about the posts that start out as thinly veiled advice and then just get mean. The idea should be to educate but sometimes it goes much further than that, to making character judgments about the dancers shown. Is that really necessary? This happens again and again, and then ironically, sometimes in the same post, the poster criticizes dancers for "dancing for spectators". Well, it might be because they've seen their video on your blog along with a list of the 40 things they did wrong in the 3 minutes they danced.

Some of the especially irksome posts are about the follower's embrace (note above, there are good posts about the embrace as well.) First, I am curious as to why so few of these posters bring up the man's side of the embrace? Isn't he just as likely to have his arm to high, or too low, or worse, digging his fingers into her spine? Where is the outcry (with pictures) over that? I'm not endorsing meanness over that either - I'm just curious as to why there are 5 posts about the woman's embrace, to every 1 post about the man's. Next, and most importantly to me anyway, there are so many assumptions made about the follower with her "poor embrace," without taking into account the most basic things.

Perhaps the leader simply prefers that embrace and she is doing precisely what she's supposed to do as a follower, she's adapting to him. Or perhaps his embrace leaves no other comfortable alternative. Instead of assuming she's "dancing for the tables", or "would rather be leading" or "doesn't care about connection" or she "wants to control the man" - maybe consider that there could be (and probably are) loads of other factors of which others would not be aware. And others are not aware of them because they're not really anyone's business. The embrace should be negotiated between leader and follower and what's needed for their comfortable connection. Isn't that what we're here for?

Cripes, now when I dance I'm worried that my fingers are too spread apart on my partner's back, or not relaxed enough, or my arm is too low, or too high, or my ankle might appear too flexed, and what about the angle of my head??? Like I don't have enough to think about trying to "keep my energy up", collecting my knees and ankles, not pulling down or putting my weight (unless invited) on my partner and the myriad things followers always work on. All that to worry about, plus my fingers, my hands, my butt, my ankles - and people wonder why a dancer may not "look relaxed"?

God forbid someone snaps a pic, slaps it up on their blog, and makes me poster child for bad tango. A beautiful dancer was photographed (with permission) by another blogger and dancer. That picture was then used by a different blogger to criticize her embrace - the most personal, intimate part of tango. If she's not embracing you, then why is it your concern? If her partner has a problem with it, he can let her know that he needs to adjust the embrace to be comfortable. No harm, no foul. Leaders have adjusted their embrace for my comfort and I've adjusted mine for theirs.

I care about what other dancers are doing if they're affecting my dancing. If they're not kicking folks, being rude, or disrupting the line of dance or the milonga, I don't really care what they're doing inside the embrace, how well they're connected to the music, their partner, or to the context and history of tango or anything else.

That is, until they're dancing with me. That's when it becomes my business.

Why not focus on posting the embraces, posture, ankle alignment, head alignment etc. etc. etc. that you like instead? Keep things positive. Wouldn't a beginner tango dancer especially get more from that? I know I did (and do).

And just to make sure I take my own advice, and keep it positive - here are some embraces I love:

And for the record, here's me with one of my favorite dance partners . . . with my fingers spread, my head facing "the wrong" angle (or so I'm told) and goodness knows what else. I just remember that was an amazing dance. (I'd give credit for this one if I could remember who took it, sorry! Eduardo C. maybe?)

Another night, another leader, different music - and a different embrace. (Actually, I think I was in the middle of an ocho cortado.) (Thank you Neil Liveakos for this one.)

Anyway, the point is I have no idea from one dance to the next if I'm displaying the proper tango embrace, or the proper foot placement, or head alignment - or anything else. Right now in my dance experience, that's just too much for my brain to keep track of.

"You've got to accentuate the positiveEliminate the negativeLatch on to the affirmativeDon't mess with Mister In-Between."