April 25, 2006

Chilled-Out Parenting: A Manifesto for a New America

I'm sick of the hater-players, bring on the regulatorsWith the flavors like a farm team fucking with the majorsYou runnin your mouth, but don't really know what you be talkin aboutYou should retire, get that complimentary watch, be out!-Mos Def & Talib Kweli

.Whenever I travel overseas, I strive to learn from my experiences and take home lessons that might not otherwise be absorbed. For example, on my recent trip to Vietnam, I discovered quite a bit about both myself and the natural world around us. Like what, you may ask?

It's possible to sweat so much that you don't have to pee for 6 days.

Scooters can safely carry 5 people at a time.

Most Vietnamese never saw "Platoon" or "Apocalypse Now" but they LOVED "Finding Nemo."

Even when dubbed in Vietnamese, the TV show "Joey" still sucks ass!

The locals don't think it's funny when you yell out, "all pho one and one pho all!" before every meal. (They also don't think it's funny when you keep saying, "pho, pho, pho!")

Anyway...whenever I go on one of my 3rd world journeys, I always return back to the U.S. with a renewed sense of appreciation for how easy our lives are here. Sure, we do our best to make things as complicated as possible but if we just sat back and reflected on our great fortune, I think we'd realize how much we can learn from those who have far less.

Everyone needs to chill the fuck out! So someone chooses to raise their kid differently than you, what's the big deal? With everything going on in the world, it seems a little absurd to be so critical, doesn't it?

Personally, I think all of these so-called parenting controversies are really just symptomatic of people having too much free time on their hands. Most people around the world are just worried about putting food on their table, giving their kids a good education and ensuring for their family's safety. Somehow, here in the U.S., we've decided that EVERY aspect of raising a child is a life-or-death controversy that needs to be seriously addressed. On closer inspection, I really don't see why many of these issues are controversial at all.

Let's take a look at a few of them, shall we?

BreastfeedingI never understood the controversy about breastfeeding. BossLady really wanted to breastfeed the Peanut and personally I didn't really care one way or the other. I was never breastfed. Neither was my buddy, The Doctor, and as he's fond of saying, "I wasn't breast-fed and look how fucking brilliant and well-adjusted I am!" Me? I think the best reason for breastfeeding is solely taste. I tried my wife's milk and thought it tasted like melted ice cream. On the other hand, formula almost made me puke!

Nursing in PublicWhen did we become so puritanical? Don't people understand that women aren't nursing in public just to show off their engorged breasts? They're feeding their kids! People need to stop being so judgemental and leave nursing mothers alone. You say you're morally offended by seeing a woman's breasts in public? Then don't look! Personally? I'm morally offended by baggy jeans, coin slots, ass chaps, sideways baseball caps and Birkenstocks. So I'll tell you what. You join me in fighting for a universal dress code, and I'll join you in banning women from baring their breasts in public. Sleep TrainingWhy do people care how other people sleep train their kids? Do you really think parents who let their kids "cry it out" are evil people? Do you really believe that parents who choose to co-sleep are self-deluding idiots? Get off your high-horses and go on with your bad selves! I'm sure everyone wants to get a good night of sleep, don't they? Does anyone really choose to be sleep deprived? The fact of the matter is that some kids are good sleepers and others aren't. Sometimes, there's just nothing you can do. No real need to criticize another parent's methods.

Potty TrainingParents need to stop freaking out about whether their kid is potty trained or not. I hear mothers in the playground stressing out about this all the time and criticizing one another's approaches. Let me ask you something. How many adults do you know now who aren't toilet trained? (ok...aside from Fergie.) There are probably a bunch of ways to toilet train your kid. Want to use bribes? Shame him into using the toilet? Forcefully take away his diapers? Be my guest! Sooner or later, the kid will figure it out.

TelevisionAs many of you know, I don't allow the Peanut to watch television. It's not a big deal or anything. I just tend to agree with studies showing that television provides no educational benefit for children under the age of two. I'd rather have the Peanut sit on my lap so we can read together. Surprisingly, friends of mine are incredulous about my anti-television stance and some will even argue with me about how much their kids learn from television. Personally? I don't really give a shit what their kids learn from television. It's called choice, my friends!!! It's what makes this country great!

Baby EinsteinLogic follows that I also don't let Peanut watch the Baby Einstein videos. However, I will admit that we have quite a collection of BE DVDs in our apartment. Sometimes, I just wish I was childless again so I could invite a few friends over, take some mushrooms and spend the weekend staring at all the psychedelic images. The fact that this is even a controversial issue at all shows how short-sighted we've all become. It's just a kid's video, people! Chill.

Materialism and ConsumerismI totally respect people who choose not to shop at big-box chain stores or purchase petroleum-based toys for their kids. Personally, I've always been a big fan of consumerism. If a plastic doll at Wal-Mart makes my daughter happy and puts a big smile on her face? Shit, I'll take two. And wrap them up in some non-recyclable plastic bags while you're at it, will you? As sweatpants mom wrote in a brilliant post recently, "even though we live green, we can still effectively contribute to the global landfill. And boring PC toys are really no match for anything that lights up, spins around and spews soap bubbles out of a spinning princess hat." As always, one man's junk is another man's treasure. Is this really worthy of controversy or antagonism?

We make life so complicated sometimes, I'm surprised parents from other countries don't laugh at us. Maybe they don't know the depths of our modern depravity but these so-called controversies are really just high-class problems. No need to be hating on other parents. Really. Can't we all just get along?

You're right, we should all chill out. I think what happens is that sometimes it's hard to talk about our own reasons for making a particular choice without (however unintentionally) sounding like we're attacking someone else's parenting.

I also think bloggers like to stir up controversy to generate traffic.

Judgmental hate comes from insecurity right? and parenting is a really freaking hard job, one that certainly makes me insecure. So we all slog through this job wondering if we're doing the right thing and feeling terrified that we're not, and then we take that insecure energy and turn it into judgmental hate. That's what I think happens. Not that it should -- and I think your post is the perfect response.

Great post. This whole phenomenon is so strange. I truly believe that the majority of parents wake up one day and say HOLY SHIT WE"RE PARENTS and then then most of their our days just trying to love their child and avoid messing them up too badly. Some, however feel the need to show us what great parents they are by putting down those who don't parent in the same way. This thing we do, raising kids, is the single most important thing most of any of us will do (that's what I believe anyway. That's why I think people get all nuts over it (If YOU'RE doing a shitty job, then I must be doing an AMAZING job). At some point, we'll all be judged by somebody because of how well (or not) our kids turned out. Failing at being a parent is about the worst thing one can fail at and therefore people get really weird about anything that threatens their parental superiority. There's no one right way to be a parent or a partner.
Anyone up for a beer?

Great rant, MetroDad, I totally agree. I just don't have the time to get all worked up about this stuff. I'm doing the best I can, and I assume (for better or worse) that you (the universal you) are doing the same.

then again, there are those who don't proofread their comments on other people's blogs. I think we should start a movement against them. what I MEANT to say is:
HOLY SHIT WE'RE PARENTS and then spend most of their days just trying to love their child and avoid messing them up too badly
(oops)

Thanks for the great post. I agree that people have too much time if they are bitching out strangers for their personal choices. Stress is bad for the health. To protect mine, I try not too worry about what others do.

Oh, come on, MD. A little well-deserved evil-spewing is good for the soul, as long as one is honest about it. But you're right, letting your one year old watch TV will not turn them into the unibomber any more than depriving your kid of the boob will make them a Donald Trump. Unfortunately, we can't all get along because there are some truly bad people out there procreating and raising monsters. That said, ranting about bad parenting does nothing for your blood pressure, confidence or self esteem and certainly won't make anyone change their mind. Best to save rants for all the really bad drivers out there who are an actual hazard to people other than themselves. I've inadvertently trained my kid to call them wankers--makes mum and dad laugh and keeps the hate down during our frequent car rides.

MD, you rock! I am so with you. I will tell you though, that you won't get the hate that gets spewed around like someone else would. It's not generally dads who spew around the blog world. It's moms. And really, it makes me sad. Some days it makes me want to stop blogging. But I don't, because I love it too much. And also my personal thought is that people have no tolerance for differences of opinions. They are convinced that their way is the only way.

Says the woman who did not breastfeed, gives her kids candy and plastic toys, whose 4 year old has an iPod, and who won't read blogging baby anymore, because I got sick of the drama and the "If you are shallow, you'll love this for your kid" posts. But hey, it's all about choices. However, I don't feel the need to ridicule or name call people who don't feel how I do. Especially not on their personal blog.

I have been a lurker for awhile, but I just had to comment on this post. Love it! People get too worked up of crap that really doesent make a damn difference in the long run. We're all just doing the best we can.

I get so much shit because I don't want our 5 MONTH OLD WATCHING TV. C'mon people, he is an infant. That cracked out glaze that comes over his face, staring at the tube, scares the daylights out of me. That is my choice, no biggie right?
Wrong! Somehow I am commenting on other people's parenting styles?!
Not likely, I am barely getting by obsessing over my own kid to care what you are doing. However there is this picture on Amazon where you can add your own images and it is a 5 mo old jumperooing away in front of the tv. I can't find the image now, but it breaks my heart.
And my parents think that because I don't want him to watch tv, i think they did a terrible job raising me.
All these loaded issues.

'Jes so ya know, I got called out by the Dutchman on that particular link; he put up a link to a post I did eons ago (last December, actually)regarding the numerous (!) bloggers who chose the holiday season to state their case against "consumerism", questioning the message sent by parents who buy shit from Walmart, Target, et. al. I did send him an email (I practice what I preach, and don't put trollish comments on other's blogs) after reading that particular "Rage, Rage" post, in which I said the following:

"The bottom line: in the Blogosphere, nobody really knows anybody. Do I disagree with some of the things you've written? Sure. Do I go to bed at night thinking, "Damn that Dutch! I don't need no lawyer who's also on AOL's payroll tellin' me my bidness! Now I'm all whipped up! Gotta watch me some Leno!" No. Do I think you're an "asshole"? No. (Not even when you say bad things about us frat guys, monsters though we may be.) Nobody knows anybody, Dutch. Unsolicited advice: challenging widespread beliefs does not make you a snob. But if you're truly hoping to change hearts and minds, realize (and I'm sure you do) that parents live in very insular worlds. They're constantly bombarded with people telling them that this is right, this is wrong, do this and your kid's on the fast track to a career operating a Softee machine or worse. No wonder we circle the wagons and fill the moat, because who the fuck is anyone to say what's right for anyone else's kid? You can either not challenge those beliefs, not care about the opinions of those who don't subscribe to your beliefs (my choice, about 95% of the time) - or adjust the message so that you do strike some kind of chord with those folks. It's relatively easy to bag on, say, WalMart if you don't have to shop there. (Of course you don't; I don't either, and even if my economic circumstances made it a desirable option, the Greeters freak my shit out). Parenting is akin to religion to most people; is it any wonder that you get such reactions? Regardless, if we were to meet, I'd buy you a beer. You're an interesting cat, and a good dad. That much I know."

I just wrote a post last week about how I'm DONE with the same mommy wars... Ack, it's enough to make a person go childless by choice! Except THAT group has its NUTS too. Nowhere to run! Nowhere to hide!

For real. I always wondered what is really behind the mommy wars. Perhaps that's it. We all just need to have a big fat drink, relax, and realize, we're all in this crazy thing called parenthood together.

I have learned to never critize. Every kid is different and every situation is different. Having more than one kid does that to you. Just like how BEFORE you have kids you always say, "I will never let my kids XXX." Then you have them. And you promtly do XXX. I had a good sleeper. Thought I was all that. Then I had a crappy sleeper.

Thank you! FINALLY...a voice of reason. I wanted to say everything you've said but I'm almost afraid to. People are so high strung and ready to fight. One day everybody's all "Yay sisterhood!" and the next day they're ripping someone apart and calling them names because they don't agree on something that doesn't even MATTER. I can't stand it. So thanks again for putting this out there.

As you noted...there are so many other things to worry about and we do have it so easy here. If only we could harness all this energy and channel it into something positive.

(And I kind of agree with Weigooksaram that I think people sometimes use controversy to up their stats and drive traffic)

Thank you, MD. Your post was brilliant and said everything I want to say to anyone who questions how I wish to raise my munchkin.
The way I see it, unless you see a child that is obviously being mistreated, neglected or abused...keep your nose out of it!

I think most of the people who are stuck in the mommy wars are first time parents of young kids who aren't really confident in the parenting yet, and so tend to need to be aggressive about their parenting choices. By the time you all have teenagers, you're going to know what works with your kids (and taking away the computer, phone and XBox controllers are all brilliant strategies) and you just go ahead and do it because it is the right choice for your particular kids.

Now, I have no issue with most mommy blogs EXCEPT when people ridicule other people's parenting choices without even giving a lick of thought as to why that person might have made that choice. For example, I got in a raging bitch session fairly recently with someone that yelled at my kids and me for taking an elevator all of one floor. This person thought we were horrible wasteful people, lazy, and that I sucked as a mom by allowing my (naturally skinny) kids to ride rather than climb the stairs.

I guess this jerk didn't notice that I was parked in a handicapped space legally because I'M HANDICAPPED. That kind of instantly stupid judgement drives me nuts. And that's why the post on the leashed kid bothered me. Because as the single mother of twins, I used leashes to protect my nutty kids from running off in two different directions. I had a good reason for my parenting choice and I don't think whomever that blog belonged to gave one thought that there MIGHT be a reason why that woman was using a leash. Like, maybe she had a heart condition and couldn't run????

I think you have a cool and interesting perspective on life that is pretty rare. Plus, you're really funny. After the past week, I'm completely enamored of you, BossLady and MetroBro. Can I come to NY and be part of your family? Puh-lease! I'm a great babysitter!

Leave it to a daddy to put an end (as I see it) to the mommywars. Sometimes people just need a good old fashioned, STFU.

I'm not a regular dooce reader but those comments made me sad for so many reasons. I can hardly believe that people spend their time writing hate mail to anyone other than George Bush. I mean, she's just a writer. You don't like the writing? Um, don't read it? Crazy, I know. But it's not like she's leaking CIA operative names or sending your kids to war, for God's sake.

Thank god for the internet. Now I know what a coin slot really is. But do you put your loose change in one, when you see one?
On the serious side, I get worried about the lengths we are expected to go to to succeed at work, at play, in politics, whatever. Look at the obsession of that guy who was after Clinton for the Lewinsky affair. Or the religious right when they take up an issue. Or Disney when they market a film. Or, or, or... Just doing a good job is no longer good enough. Letting things be is a weakness. No wonder such attitudes appear in such debates as bottle vs. breast.

Well said. Those are some pretty intense subjects you're bringing up. I only tend to get very upset when people are risking their childrens lives or not treating them well. Like driving around without a car seat or let their 1 year old play unsupervised near a pool. The other issues are just personal choices.

Some people don't have a very good perspective on life and I found that to often be the explanation for the hate and discussion. Thejust haven't seen much in their life. If travel a lot and meet many different people from other cultures I personally think you have a better chance of not getting into these ridiculous discussions. The more you see of the world the more you realize that we're all different.
Remember, life is short and when we die we'll be dead for along time.

I've never been brave enough to taste breast milk. Perhaps I'll have the courage when our girl comes in August?

All this confusion and strife on the parts of the good citizens who are doing nothing more than trying as best they can to determine the best way to lovingly raise their precious children, this parental infighting can only mean one thing: The government has got to step in and regulate parenting. Apparently, all this choice is just too upsetting for us.

I couldn't agree with you more. I really don't understand the need for other people to harsh on other parents. Do they do it to make themselves feel better? And do they really feel better after criticizing other parents? It's a sad state of affairs. I agree with one of the other commentors. Unless you see a child who is in potential harm, we'd all be better off minding our own business!