10 Days to a Less Defiant Child

With over twenty-two years of practice as a child, teen, and family psychologist behind me, I continue to be humbled by how complex we all are as human beings. Yet, when it comes to parenting difficult and defiant children and teens, I think we make it more complex than it needs to be.

To help any defiant child or teen, keep the following points in mind and take positive action. I have seen over and over how defiant behavior can be significantly lowered in children and teens—usually in week or even less than a few days:

Stop nagging.

Listen, and I mean really listen, more to your child or teen than you talk to her.

Remember that understanding your child is just as important, if not more important, than loving him.

Check your ego at the door and stop taking your child's or teen's challenges so personally.

Catch him doing more things right than wrong.

Stop trying to be perfect as a parent. Remember the only perfect people are in the cemetery.

Be mindful that growing up IS different today, and the world is more complex and faster moving than when you were a kid. Give yourself some grace and cut yourself a break.

Laugh, laugh, laugh. A comedian friend of mine, David Naster says it best, "You just have to laugh!"

For persistent problems, please see a qualified mental health professional.

When a kid is "misbehaving," you've got to look at the whole family system. As you mention in your post, parents have to check their egos at the door, etc., etc., but I wonder how many parents are willing, if even able, to do so?

Why can't we keep our ego at the side, when it is the matter of our kids' good? We can, I am sure! This is because when it comes to choosing between kid's character development and ego, the former weighs more. Only this awareness can make all parents able to depart with ego for some time.

Here's one more anti-defiant way, stop advising every now and then. In fact,give the freedom and pace to them for understanding things, people, and situation and all will be fine. As a tip, tell them indirectly, may be by gifting a book.