Welcome to my home in blogland. Here, I strive to make you laugh like never before, cry warmhearted tears, get silly, and be naughty. Together, we'll uncover sweet morsels in the light and dark. You'll leave craving chocolate. That's a given. I'm a bad influence. Oy vey, am I a bad influence! {But I do recommend fair trade and organic varieties.} Please enjoy the samples, and may you fast become addicted. You're most welcome to return.

My Story, Yours Too.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Dears,
I'll be away from all forms of the Internet for the next few weeks. Cold turkey. That's the only way to do it, right? It will be difficult, and I will miss you. In my absence, I leave (1) this collage-poem, and

You might have already seen my wrestling match on Facebook, in which case you should move along. I'm sorry I can't link it directly to my blog. It's not long (a tad over 3 mins), but blogger says it's too long to post directly.

And yeah, I can't believe that's me -- in a local variety show (Hank Duke's Good Time Variety Show). I've never acted or (believe it or not) wrestled before.

My opponent claims he's fine, despite an overnight stay in the ER and many purple bruises. (Just kidding, they're pink now.) Strangely, I also didn't notice his limp, his wheelchair, or full-body cast before we fought. I guess I don't know my own strength.

I love you, my sillies.

Take care of yourselves. Forgive my absence, and I'll see you in October.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

·Dude
1, DO NOT fail to call a woman when you say you will and then contact her the
following week with no excuse for your failure to call earlier except “I was
busy.” Don’t then engage her in a second in-depth conversation, at the end of which
you promise a phone-call about a plan for the upcoming Saturday night. Then, don’t
fail to contact her to make said plan for Saturday night. By all means, don’t have the nerve to show
up with a buddy at the club you’d suggested you’d go to together on Saturday night. When she sees
you at this club on Saturday night, and the music stops (conveniently, between songs), and all
eyes on you, all ears on her, and she inquires angrily about your inability to use
a phone, twice now, don’t say this: “I lost your number, and I didn’t want to
go through my phone to leave messages.” Because when she publicly shames you, after
which she exchanges fist-bumps with a male friend, and the crowd looks on
approvingly (or sympathetically, or perhaps, fearfully because, as male
friend says, she’s “pretty intimidating!”), you’ll feel smaller than you
already are. Don’t do it, dude.

·

Dude
2, DO NOTtext her 10 times between the night you met and 1pm the next day. Don’t
write, “So your ignoring my messages. LOL.,” and when she responds the next
morning with “Got home late, needed sleep,” don’t reply: “Apologies, but who is
this?” and then, “Robyn/Gal’s name, this is dude 2 from last night.” She knows.
Stop! Don’t do it, dude. PS Learn about the apostrophe.

·

Dude
3, DO NOT have a cute, endearing smile and tell her how much you want to see
her, after telling her you’re not ready for a relationship, and after dissing
her to go sell baseball cards on EBay. Don’t take for granted that she’ll wait
for you to man up, or that she wants to hang out in the friend-zone. Go for a grand slam, if you earn her trust back first, or don’t play at all. Don’t
do it, dude.

Dude 4,
DO NOT get or stay in your usual drunken state at a party, chat with a
lady in a crowded room, tell her you're married, and -out of the blue- pucker your
lips and lean in towards her, as if she would be happy to kiss you. Eww, what is wrong with you? Never mind, I
don't have the time. Don't do it, dude.

I’m
fine. These petty annoyances are my fault for failing to swear off the male
species. But who knew the "not dating" thing could be so irritating? If I’m going to
continue to not date, I’d like a little action on the side (with a nonmarried, decent one), you know? Oy vey.

I've needed extra doses of my drug of choice these days. So I sampled Chloe's Dark Chocolate, low cal popsicles. Yummy. It tastes light and chocolate-y, definitely satisfying. It didn't taste particularly dark, more like milk chocolate. But these are pretty darn good. I give it an 8 on a 1-10 scale.

Next, I tried chocolate chip popcorn. I know, weird, right? Yeah, no good. Bad. They tasted like -I don't know- some type of cereal fail. Why try to combine sweet and salty, if you're not going to do either the sweet or the salty right? Don't try this one. I give it a 3 on a 1-10 scale. (I did finish the bag, so I can't honestly go lower. I've tasted worse.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now, for silliness' sake, let's play games! I stole these from Facebook and Twitter. Please respond in the comments section. I'll leave a few suggestions, italicized, to get us started.

(1) Ruin a first date in 4 words. ______ ______ ______ _______.

Man: Is four inches okay?Woman: No sex before marriage! (2) Give an unlikely name to the Royal Baby(Kate is pregnant with baby #3.)

Fresh Prince of Buckingham PalaceThurston Howell, III.

&/or (2B) What will be the Royal Baby's first words?

Mum, why do I have more hair than Daddy?Sh*t! Granny cursed like a sailor when I peed on her new hat.