On a Journey to Love Myself and (the food in) the World Around Me.

I’ve always found it interesting that there are diseases that society doesn’t talk about. It’s as if perhaps if we ignore them, they won’t really exist.

Well, tonight I’m going to talk about one. And if it makes you feel uncomfortable, that’s fine. You don’t have to read it. But I’m going to talk about it, because not talking about it makes me feel alone. And I know I’m not alone.

Infertility.

There. I said it. Now, if you’re not ready to talk about it, please, feel free to leave this post. But for those of us not hiding behind rose colored lenses ..let’s talk.

For 8 years I’ve known it is pretty likely I will have difficulty or not be able to conceive. And for 8 years I’ve pushed it to the back of my head. I’ve had the important ‘what if’ conversations with the important people (aka – my husband), but I’ve always considered those my ‘plan B’. In the front of my mind, I’ve always lived under the assumption that it would just happen.

Because we’re good people, and will make great parents.

But here’s the thing. That apparently means nothing.

We’ve been trying for a year now. And I know there are people who have been trying for so so much longer. And my heart weeps for you.

12 months of tracking ovulation (hope). 12 months of tracking every aspect of every cycle (let down). Two thirty day collections of salvia (totally fun. I swear). And 8 months of acupuncture.

Any month that I’m even one day late I get a burst of excitement.

And then my cycle comes.

And then the tears come.

Because the truth is, this is utterly exhausting.

Because the truth is, my heart aches, and every single person I know is having babies.

Seriously. Everyone.

And every single person wants to know why we aren’t.

Seriously. Everyone.

And ‘plan b’, looks better every day. And maybe that was meant to be ‘plan A’ all along.

So tonight, I eat ice cream. And say every prayer of thanks for my amazing husband who has held me tight every day that this has been just too much over the past year. (And for my awesome friends, who have dealt with every slew of emotions I could throw at them this week).

Ok. It’s out in the open. Let’s talk about it.

Let’s talk about how much it hurts.

And how empty it feels. And how much facebook sucks.

And let’s talk about how hard it is when someone tells you to just ‘try a little harder’ or ‘not to stress and it will happen’ seriously? Is it magic?!

Or how much your heart breaks to know there are kids out there without parents.

And let’s be okay with having days that we wonder why we’re putting ourselves through this. And other days, that we know it’s one of our biggest dreams.

And let’s be okay with (sometimes) just needing to cry. And eat ice cream. Because it isn’t fair. And it’s exhausting.