Archive for July, 2000

Rev. Smith was in attendance and dressed in costume for the first annual 26-hour Banacek marathon held at the Regal Theatre in Montreal yesterday. All 16 episodes of the Banacek TV series (1972-74) were shown back-to-back, plus the 2-hour pilot. Attendees raised money for The A-Team foundation, dedicated to helping Mr T who was recently diagnosed with cancer of the mohawk.

The supreme being today announced that his honor had been insulted by The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith’s popular comic strip The Second Coming. Accordingly he has challenged Smith to a duel. The two will settle the matter with pistols at dawn tomorrow. GOD is widely believed to be the better shot, but Smith has previously felled such worthy opponents as Archduke Mortimer IV and Lord Harrington of Ames.

Widespread catastrophic disaster of worst kind was believed certain to strike as of noontime today, with most people having given up all hope of survival by 1pm. By 2:30, a general panic had set in as swarms of people took to the streets, not knowing what to do in the face of the imminent cataclysm that had sealed their fate. Then by 3:00, people realized that there was nothing to be worried about after all and went on with their lives.

Struck by a radioactive meteorite in 1997, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith gained the superhuman ability to stop the flow of time for everyone but himself. Although he originally had some vague plans to use this power to fight crime, says Smith, these days he mostly just uses it to catch up on a few hours of sleep here and there with no one but himself the wiser.

In the wake of the stunning success of the web-based game that bears his name, Brad today announced he is working with an unknown ghost author on an autobiography to be titled In Absence of Pants. Rumor has it that Brad offered old pal Webster a sum of $300 to appear in the book. It was later pointed out to him that you don’t have to pay people to appear in books.

Inspired by the hit movie Chicken Run, longtime animal rights activist Rev. Smith, today joined Burger King in calling for American citizens to save the chickens of the world - by eating more burgers. ”Only by the routine slaughter of cows and the consumption of their flesh,” explained Smith, “can we hope to ensure the survival of the world’s domestic fowl.”

Tomorrow our nation rejoices, celebrating the 2,000th anniversary of the day Jesus Christ declared American independence from the oppressive Rome Empire. With pride we recall how Jesus and the 12 disciples dumped crates of espresso beans into the Sea of Galilee. Always shall we remember the sacrifices made to ensure our freedom. Truly, Jesus died for America.