"We all live slapstick lives, under an inexplicable sentence of death..."--Martin Gardner

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Seven Wine Blogs to Be Avoided at All Costs

Forbes.com, from the magazine for folks who brought down the American economy, recently published a list of seven Must Read Wine Blogs. Naturally, this amounted to a list of the usual suspects. I was reminded of the great Woody Guthrie song, "This Bland is Your Bland, This Bland is My Bland..." But it's what one would expect from a pedestrian and dull publication that no one reads or quotes unless they've come out with their list of the world's wealthiest people, or, as I like to call them, Republicans--a pedestrian and dull list of wine blogs.

Do these seven Must Read Wine Blogs really need the help of Forbes? They've already got thousands of readers monthly. My readership hasn't increased an iota since I started this masturbatory meditation on all things wine. Not that I can tell anyway. I haven't the vaguest idea how to measure readership. I just go by the personal hate mail I receive, and, well, that's about the same. But I'm thinking of spamblocking my family. Wouldn't it have been nice if Forbes.com had shown a little initiative and highlighted seven Wine Blogs that Ought to Be Avoided at All Costs? You know HoseMaster of Wine would have been at the top of that list, though almost everyone already successfully avoids it. But the thought got me to thinking, what are the seven Wine Blogs that Ought to Be Avoided at All Costs? Which would you choose? Here's my list.

LikeEmYoung.com

I don't know, does the world need wine reviews written by the president of the local chapter of NAMBLA? Sure, priests know about wine, but, really, all the guy likes is the really young stuff. The wines too. The mind boggles at his reviews, though I did think he was pretty perceptive about the Rodney Strong samples the winery sent him. But it is creepy that his favorite winery is Mounts.

JamesArthurRayonWine

I was searching online for information about motivational speaker James Arthur Ray, you know, the guy who killed three people in a sweat lodge in Sedona (which breaks the old record of two set by Suzanne Somers and several beavers), and it turns out he also has a wine blog! Who knew?! It's mostly focused on Madeira. Obviously. I like his take on Madeira, actually. Ray thinks you should drink it till you puke. Then die. But I'd avoid this wine blog, it's just a rehash of Alice Fiering.

WinewithBlubber.com

OK, at first I thought this was the BrixChix blog, but it's actually a blog written by an Inuit (a tribe closely related to the tribe of wine bloggers, the Iduits). This blog centers around the search for the perfect wine to pair with blubber. While occasionally enlightening, the post about the 27 different words the Inuit have for "shitfaced" is revelatory (wow, Shankenfaced, really?), the relentless descriptions of eating blubber gets a little nauseating. But it turns out the perfect wine to accompany blubber is Kistler Chardonnay. Shocked my blowhole.

WineandBodySecretions.com

You just don't want to go here. Trust me. Sure, it's interesting to hear that Yellow Tail is perfect with earwax, and that when trying to find the perfect wine for toejam it's best to put it on crackers, and that bougars need residual sugar, but, honestly, don't go there. Really, isn't Two Buck Upchuck going a little too far? Is this the democratization of wine reviewing we're looking for? On the other hand, the guy's a better writer than Harvey Steiman.

DrunkonaBudget

There's just nothing new here at all. This wine blogger coaches new wine bloggers on the fine art of getting drunk on a budget by printing up cheapass business cards on your home computer so that you can drink for free in tasting rooms all over the country, by soliciting free samples from desperate wineries (he actually provides a list of Sucker Wineries that have marketing consultants who would send free wine to a dung beetle if he had a wine blog), by bluffing your way into industry tastings with your imaginary blog credentials, and by kissing the egotistical butt of every winery owner in Napa Valley. It's a blatant Vinography ripoff.

NaturalGirlNaturalWine

Oh boy, what do I say about this turkey? The woman who writes this blog, Landa DaLost, is a "natural" woman. From her photograph, it's apparent she's got hair growing in more places than Al Qaeda. And she's not afraid to show it. If you blur your eyes, she looks like a breeding ground for echidnas. Landa only reviews natural wines, of course, and the more organic, the more Biodynamic, the more vegan, the better. And we're talking ripe. Landa, not the wines. But this is just another stupid blog about "natural" wines, and God knows we're all sick to death of that crap.

Wine Library TV

Oh, man, what the hell is this? Some strange little man on a cheap set hopping around like he's leashed to an organ grinder describing wine in ways that can only be described as ludicrous and goofy. Definitely stole my act. Guy should be a wine judge.

13 comments:

Anonymous
said...

If that kid at Copain would use more new French oak cooperage, we could legitimately call him "Woody Guthrie." But I think his name is Wells.

******

As for all those blogs to avoid...I'm reminded of the words of the great Lawrence (Yogi) Berra who said "No one goes there anymore. It's too crowded." And he might be correct, for if you visit dozens of wine blogs, you'll likely run across comments and postings by Charlie "Puff Daddy" Olken. He's crowded in everywhere!

*****

I used to have trouble distinguishing between James Arthur Ray and Rachael Ray. But now I realize her tasting notes on wines are something like "Yum-o!" and "Double Yum-o!!," while James Arthur's ratings are "Killer!", etc.

*****

Funny you should mention WinewithBlubber.com...today's posting reports on a tasting of Blubber Avec Foie Gras and it turns out the new hot wine is a Chardonnay from King Kongsgaard (not to be confused with Scotch Guard, though they taste nearly the same).

*****

Regarding your snarkily lovely comment about DrunkonaBudget.com, most wine blogs are written by Dung Beetles. And it's not merely bloggers who "pose" as wine writers, but there's a boatload of people who pose as "industry" affiliates. You can find these people at virtually any wine event where there is no admission fee (sometimes called 'trade tastings'). Some card stock and a good computer printer allows these people to gain entry. I think they have a web blog: Wine-Posers-R-Us.

*****

As for Landa DaLost...isn't that a pseudonym for Alice Feiring? Alice is a veterinarian, I think and her writing about the state of wine is akin to a PETA member writing reviews of steakhouses.

*****

I've been to the Napa Valley Wine Library and they don't have a TV. The Napa Valley 7-11 does, however and they offer wonderful wines from such illustrious brands as Fetzerror, Sutter Homeless and Kendall Jackass. But I did catch that little monkey from New Jersey, tasting wine while wearing a New York Jets helmet and I admired his spitting technique.

*****

Keep up the good work, Mister Hosemaster. I avoid wine blogs like the plague, except for this one.

Hells bells, Washam, you left out some of the most obvious candidates.

FoodWineIsMe—This blog, written by a five-foot, three-inch sommelier, is all about small wines for small people. Mostly, he likes wine that has no flavor and plenty of acidity because he likes the taste of acid reflux, which is about the only sensation he can actually taste because of his tiny taste buds. He thinks Alice Feiring is another Lilliputian, and he can’t be far wrong because her taste buds are also small.

WineWithoutLabels—Started by a guy who once got hooked on generic soda and then graduated to generic apple juice before finally discovering generic wine, this blog is written by a Mr. Anonymous. Wine is a box is just fine for this guy, but only if it has no label other than red, white or other.

PSILOVU—Started out as the love child of six guys with purple teeth, spread to twelve guys with purple teeth and now numbers 17 guys with purple teeth, this blog devoted to Petite Sirah is unique in that you can only log-in if you have, yes you guessed it, purple teeth.

Wait a minute, You told me that PM was me sending messages to your privates...dammit Washam. Been a few days since you posted, where are you? Tied up? Distracted by one of your many females...a fugly midget? We are waiting Love...I for one am in need of a Hosing.

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After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.

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"Please let this guy write the scripts for Saturday Night Live which has gotten so lame...his newest "wisdom" is worth an Emmy....I wonder if he is the genius behind all those Hitler/Parker,etc. clips? No one else is remotely as funny or as talented.And the wine world sure needs someone to poke fun at all the nonsense and phoney/baloney unsufferable crap out there."

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