Boat Dwellers

I’m spending Labor Day weekend on a boat. Boats are pretty awesome for recreation, and totally make great vacation spots for limited periods of time – especially if you’re with T-Pain.

But what about people who opt to live on a boat? These people have a whole blog about it. I had to hit the “page down” button seven times just to get through the most recent post about having a baby on a boat. Apparently living on a boat offers a shit-ton of free time.

These trends aren’t as likely to be noticed if you don’t live in a coastal or lake-centric community; but I do, so here are my observations.

In my experiences between the time I was old enough to drive and into my early 20’s, I’ve noticed a specific trend among people – dudes in particular – who live on boats: they’re lurpy losers. These are guys who have somehow inherited worn out boats, but can’t afford an apartment and no one likes them enough to be their roommate. They invite their buddies over on weeknights (because none of them have real jobs) and they entice underage girls to show up under the pretense that Smirnoff Ice will be served.

In addition to my anecdotal evidence, there are plenty pop-culture nods to these aquatic sleezeballs.

Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man

Famous for his appreciation of Courvoisier and kinky sex advice, I’d definitely listen to his late-night radio program. However, the rotating bed and zebra-print linens on his houseboat are quite the turn off.

Steve Zissou, Captain, The Belafonte

When a very pregnant reporter comes on board, professing that she grew up with Zissou as her hero, Steve tells his B-squad captain, “Not this one, Klaus” essentially claiming a pregnant woman young enough to be his daughter as his next conquest.

Gob Bluth, President (in title only), The Bluth Company

Classics like “A magician never reveals his… I SUNK IT! I SUNK THE YACHT!” and using topless girls as misdirection in his magic tricks make Gob far from the ideal boating candidate. He also thinks Portugal is in South America, so there go his navigation skills.

Pirates

They may be good-looking and ethnically diverse, but common sense should tell you to steer clear of those whose Facebook interests would likely include raping, pillaging, and plundering.