Sunday, February 26, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Did you see the end of the Oscars where they announced the wrong Best Picture winner, giving it to "La La Land" instead of real winner "Moonlight"? They had already given their acceptance speeches. Even the NFL called to say they can overturn a bad call faster.The Oscars ended with the wrong winner announced for Best Picture, calling it for "La La Land" instead of real winner "Moonlight." The only question is will it be called "La La Land Gate," "Moonlight Gate" or "Oscar Gate"?The Oscars ended with the wrong winner announced for Best Picture, calling it for "La La Land" instead of real winner "Moonlight." They are just lucky the person they had to inform of the overrule wasn't John McEnroe.The Oscars ended with the wrong winner announced for Best Picture, calling it for "La La Land" instead of real winner "Moonlight." The only fitting part is that the theft happened while Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway were presenting to celebrate the 50th anniversary of "Bonnie and Clyde."The Oscars ended with the wrong winner announced for Best Picture, calling it for "La La Land" instead of real winner "Moonlight." To which Hillary Clinton is saying "So, you're saying I still might have a chance?"Actor Bill Paxton has died at age 61. To which Bill Pullman is saying "Are you sure it wasn't me?"Police in California are warning of men who are being robbed
attempting to meet with women they met through social networks. Until now, the
only robbery connected with social media was the loss of people’s time and
dignity.

Police in California are warning of men who are being robbed
attempting to meet with women they met through social networks. Hasn’t that
been around for years? It’s called “Craigslist.”

Witches around the world united to cast a mass spell against
Donald Trump. Apparently they felt they have a better chance of making it stick
then when they just sent one witch against him in November.

Witches around the world united to cast a mass spell against
Donald Trump. Although what can they really do to him? It isn’t like he doesn’t
already have a bad haircut and small hands.

CNN says it may skip the White House Correspondents’ Dinner
in April. You can tell how furious the network is with Donald Trump when their
journalists are actually willing to miss out on a free meal.

Some doctors are prescribing food instead of pills to treat
certain patients. The only problem is that they then have to prescribe even
more pills to eventually help those patients treat their obesity, diabetes and
high blood pressure.

A report says desert dwellers in South America have evolved
to where they can drink water tainted with deadly arsenic. The good news is
that those people can now be relocated with no problem straight to Flint,
Michigan.

A report says desert dwellers in South America have evolved
to where they can drink water tainted with deadly arsenic. People in the U.S.
were shocked they have to live in those conditions. Imagine being forced to
have to drink water.

Researchers say a Mako shark swam 5,000 miles in 142 days as
part of its migration pattern. The sad news is that after all that work, when
the Trump Administration found out the shark was deported back to where it came
from.

Researchers say a Mako shark swam 5,000 miles in 142 days as
part of its migration pattern. To which Michael Phelps says “Amateur!”

Montana is asking Congress to declassify grizzly bears as a
threatened species. Although the grizzlies may be right back on the list when
Betsy DeVos arms the schools and orders all those bears to be shot on sight.

Former L.A. County Sheriff Lee Baca is being tried on
corruption charges even though he is in the early stages of Alzheimer’s
Disease. The good news is that he can get away with just answering every
question with “I can’t recall.”

Muhammad Ali, Jr. was reportedly detained for hours by immigration
officials at a Florida airport. In other words, he was given a standing 8,000
count.

Muhammad Ali, Jr. was reportedly detained for hours by
immigration officials at a Florida airport. To which his father would have said
“I’ve been pinned to the ropes by these agents who are dopes.”

Muhammad Ali, Jr. was reportedly detained for hours by
immigration officials at a Florida airport. The disturbing part is knowing we
have security officials who have never heard of Muhammad Ali, Sr.

A Russian ballet dancer has been released from Guantanamo
Bay prison after being held there 15 years. Apparently authorities heard him
talking about doing an “Arabesque” and that was enough to consider him a Middle
Eastern terrorist.

Nigerian kidnappers are demanding $200,000 for the return of
some German scientists. People liked the old way better when Nigerians asked
for donations in return for the promise of millions of dollars instead of a few
foreign hostages.

The Mayor of Paris struck back at Donald Trump after he insulted
the city. Trump should know he has no chance winning a contest by taking on a
Parisian in who can out-rude the other.

New technology empowers people to report crimes using their
smartphone camera. Which is good news for young people who have no idea that
the thing they use to take selfies, go on social media and watch videos can
also be used as a phone.

Uber says it is “absolutely not” behind the smear campaign
of a former employee ho claimed sexual harassment against the company. They
don’t have to. Isn’t it bad enough having a resume that says they used to work
for Uber?

An analysis says the Best Picture winner at the Oscars is
rarely the film that makes the most money. Which finally gives some hope to
Adam Sandler’s production crew.

Volkswagen’s board is reining in executive pay by 30% in the
wake of their diesel emissions scandal. Which means the rest of the $4.3
Billion in fines the executives caused will be covered by stockholders,
employees and customers.

The CEOs of all the Dow companies have reportedly seen their
stock holdings go up by $400 Million since Donald Trump was inaugurated. It’s a
good thing he promised them all those tax cuts or all that extra cash would
have made them really mad.

Stock in private prisons is up 100% since Donald Trump’s
election win. Apparently investors have seen the potential for all kinds of new
inmates just with Trump’s Cabinet appointments.

A survey says Hulu users admit to having watched TV shows
during a wedding. Which finally explains why some ministers insist on having
their iPad with them at the pulpit.

A survey says Hulu users admit to having watched TV shows
during a wedding. Which means those people aren’t crying tears of joy for the
bride but for wasting a half hour of their life watching “Two Broke Girls.”

A survey says Hulu users admit to having watched TV shows
during a wedding. The worst part is when they start collecting all the thrown
rice to use for a risotto recipe they just saw on the Food Network.

Hulu watchers say the craziest place they watched a TV show
were at weddings, in the bathroom and at work. It seems the one place no one
watches TV shows anymore is in the living room on a TV set.

J.C. Pennney says it will close 140 stores, which will
affect 6,000 workers. The good news for salespeople at Penney’s is that they
can always find a job at another retailer working as mannequins.

J.C. Pennney says it will close 140 stores, and will offer
early retirement to 6,000 workers. Retail experts were surprised. Although
early retirement at Penney’s means being able to stop working before reaching
age 93.

Veterinarians are warning some people are using their pets
to score drugs for themselves. Which means register workers at PetSmart need to
be on the lookout for any really nervous felines trying to buy large amounts of
catnip.

Veterinarians are warning some people are using their pets
to score drugs for themselves. The good news is that drug addicts are now
rarely needing to make appointments to see their doctor to be dewormed.

A study says straight women experience fewer orgasms than
men. Mostly because they know it’s a matter of finishing first or better luck
next time.

A study says straight women experience fewer orgasms than
men. And that doesn’t have much chance of ever changing as long as their
partners are straight men.

A study says older adults who move around more have less
chronic pain. Mostly because the ones who can still move around are less likely
to be hit by their wife when she catches them sneaking into the bedroom at 3:00
in the morning.

Ellen DeGeneres and Wal-Mart gave scholarships to the entire
class at a New York City school. The students were happy that they can use the
scholarship money to get an education that will keep them from ever having to
work at Wal-Mart.

Kanye West may be launching a new line of cosmetics.
Although his lack of knowledge of makeup was evident when a woman asked if the
line would include Pan-Cake and he said “I think you’re looking for IHOP.”

Tommy Chong is telling people to “stay high” in the wake of
a potential federal crackdown on marijuana. Which is a pretty predictable
response from someone who hasn’t come down since 1973.

Rick Derringer has pleaded guilty for carrying a loaded
pistol in an airport and onto a plane. Authorities are now on the lookout for
any air travelers with the name Ruger, Glock or Beretta.

A Boston College
professor has taken a selfie every day for the past 30 years, way before the
advent of smartphones. His total is now up to more than 11,000 or as Kim
Kardashian calls that, a pretty good weekend.

Rory McIlroy explained to detractors why he played golf with
Donald Trump. Apparently sometimes you have to do whatever it takes in order to
get a weekend tee time at Mar-a-Lago.

NASCAR is making changes to help boost its sagging TV
ratings. In order to get more people to tune in, perhaps they might come up
with an idea of anything other than watching cars go around an oval track for
five hours.

Carmelo Anthony says he doesn’t understand the direction of
the New York Knicks. What’s to understand? Since 1993 the team has pretty much
been headed straight down.

Jeff Gordon drove the pace car at the Daytona 500. The sad
part is that he still finished three places higher than Danica Patrick.

Jeff Gordon drove the pace car at the Daytona 500. The
downward spiral has begun. Next it will be spending race week camping out in an
RV and then it’s on to riding around the Winn-Dixie in a Rascal scooter.

Waymo is suing Uber, claiming theft of self-driving vehicle
secrets. The case has no real legal merits or significance, it’s just that
reporters are enjoying covering a case called “Waymo v. Uber.”

A poll says 38% of Americans are afraid Artificial
Intelligence will take their job. They shouldn’t flatter themselves. What
self-respecting robot is going to allow itself to be programmed to restock the
Slim Jims and clean out the Slurpee machine?

The U.N. is stepping in to end a wireless carrier marketing
war and come up with the official definition of 5G. It’s just good to know their
priorities are in order and they will worry about the Middle East, Ukraine and
Somalia once they straighten out the important issues.

A paper says George Washington survived smallpox, malaria,
tuberculosis, dysentery and infections and still lived to 67. Not only that, he
did it with health insurance that was so bad its dental plan only covered
wooden dentures.

Newt Gingrich says “fake education” is underlying the “fake
news” President Trump is fighting against. The good news is that President
Trump has done his part to combat fake education when he shut down Trump
University.

Ohio Governor John Kasich says of his meeting with Donald
Trump, “If you are on a plane you root for the pilot.” Although that might not
be the case if you realize the person at the controls is a Kamikaze.

A report says a majority of Americans say Congress should
probe any contact between Donald Trump’s presidential campaign and Russia.
Although the rest of the people taking the survey are saying “Nyet.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! As of this writing,
the Academy Awards have not gotten underway so I don’t have any Oscar jokes
yet. I may be able to add a few after the show is over, but at least there is
one joke that could fall back on the old and reliable reference to Adam
Sandler. I figure there will be a lot more jokes about the Oscars, especially
if the Best Picture is “La La Land.” Seriously? At least I will have lots of
material for political jokes, and that will be just from the acceptance
speeches. I hope you enjoy the show tonight if you are planning on watching,
and I always feel like a winner when you remember to always keep on sending the
love!