By now my readers are aware of how much I hate sushi (hint: a lot) and how I’d rather be the City of Sweetwater’s comptroller than even look at sushi. I’m not even sure what a comptroller is, but I can only assume it’s the…

“100 little variety penises in my mouth” is what this place needs to be called. I was there with my friend last night and she said, “I wish jizz tasted like this” while referring to the sauce on one of those chicken ones I had.…

French people these days get a bad rap, more than likely because they’re French. Even so, they’re still the undisputed kitchen champs. Americans call them “cheese-eating surrender monkeys”, but it goes to show you even their disparaging nicknames revolve around their culinary prowess. As you…

The one time I came here I left with a bad taste in my mouth, and it wasn’t even from the food. I’ve never gone back since and probably never will. Not because the place was bad, but because it’s located in Westchester. Why the…

Colombians know how to do three things: titties, cocaine, and food. Notice how I didn’t put soccer in there? Yeah, I went there, motherfuckers. The three-thing-rule goes for every country, but Latin American countries mostly have food as one of them so it limits our…

Someone decided Brickell doesn’t have enough Irish pubs. The proprietors of Fado thought, “Waxy’s, Brickell Irish, Finnegan’s, and the one they’re working on in the Axis building aren’t enough. These people DEMAND shitty bar food and watered-down drinks.” Thank you for that, you goddamn luminaries.…

One of the most pathetic things I’ve done involves Mario the Baker as an indirect cause, and it just happened earlier this morning. It’s not a very pretty day out there. Last night, as is typical of most Mondays for me, I didn’t feel like…

I think when a place is too pristine I get a little anxious. The Village of Merrick Park during the day is a perfect example of that, and I feel it needs some hoodrats and annoying middle school skateboarders to make me feel at ease.…

There are four guarantees in life: Death, taxes, Jeremy Piven having a hair transplant, and Panera Bread being so amazing it’ll make you ignore the lie that is Jeremy Piven’s increasing hairline. For fuck’s sake he played a character playing George Costanza on Seinfeld! What,…

Aside from their glaring deficiencies with the English language judging by their inability to grasp possessiveness rules, Jimmy’z Kitchen knows how to put down an acceptable meal. It’s kind of like Chat Roulette except not as much penis. I’m on South Beach with a friend…