Thursday, October 1, 2015

Today in yes, this again...

Carvel's been using cake to voice
anti-Irish sentiments for decades.

Yes. This again. You might remember Aaron and Melissa Klein, the owners of Sweet Cakes by Melissa, the Oregon bakery and last bastion of free speech in America. Huh? No, you're thinking of Jack Philips, he ran the cake shop in Colorado that refused service to gay people. The Kleins were the ones who-What's that? Crystal O'Connor? No, she ran the pizza shop that refused to make pizzas for gay people. Anyway, back to-who? Brian Klawiter? I think he runs the auto-repair shop that refused to fix gay people's cars...holy shit this happens a lot. Anyway, back to cake and how Aaron and Melissa's cake-related freedom of expression was so brutal curtailed.

"Blessed are the internet trolls who harasseth the gays..."

-Jesus

Rachel and Laurel Bowman-Cryer were getting married and needed a wedding cake so they went to Sweet Cakes by Melissa, because cakes. The Kleins however, are apparently members of whatever denomination of Christian uses the version of the Bible where Jesus rails against gay people. Nohomostarianism, I think. Anyway Aaron and Melissa refused to put two bride toppers on the cake and when the Bowman-Cryers complained, the Kleins posted the couple's names and address on Facebook so all their homophobic friends and supporters could help harass them. Classy, right?

No, of course it isn't. Also, it's illegal and resulted in the Oregon Bureau of Labor and Industries (or OBLI, if you're short on time) ordering the Kleins to pay the Bowman-Cryers $135,000 in damages. Wah-wah, sad trombone right? Nope. Their harrowing plight of being legally compelled to treat gay people like, you know, people, so outraged their fellow homophobes that they started a bunch of online fundraising campaigns and raised, get this, $500,000 in hate-sympathy money.

"Everyone's so concerned about gay rights, but what about our right to be discriminate against gay people and expose them to threats and harassment? This is all Obama's fault."

-Aaron Klein, on how the terrorists have already won

"They're full of shit."

-Math

$500,000 is a lot right? Probably about $500,000 more that these two asshats deserve and certainly more than the $135,000 they've been ordered to pay the Bowman-Cryers, so it's a little confusing why they haven't settled up yet. According to this, the Klein's lawyer is saying that paying the damages would result in 'financial ruin' for the Kleins. I'm not great at math, but I ran the numbers myself and it seems like they got slapped with a fine for discrimination, won the adoration of the homophobic religious right and even after paying off the people who lives they tried to ruin, they'd still have $365,000 left over.

Right about now, you're probably asking yourself if this could get any stupider. Well, good news! Here's Aaron Klein to explain how:

Antonin Scalia's clearly been a
lifetime fan of free speech.

"What it really comes down to is artistic expression, which the Supreme Court has said is speech. Now, the other thing you have to understand is that uh, when it comes to a wedding cake there is so much more involved than just baking a cake and sending it out the door. Even the baker who made the wedding cake for these girls said that they were a part of the wedding...and so you have to look at it from an artistic standpoint as well..."

-Aaron Klein, assuming
that we're all idiots

Oh, I get it. This isn't about stubbornly refusing to pay court-order damages, and it's not about defrauding all the like-minded homophobes who donated to keep your business from going under. It's about freedom of speech. That's cool. So what exactly are the Kleins saying with cake? I mean other than how much they hate gay people and the law?

No, for real. The only difference between a straight wedding cake and a gay wedding
cake is the cake topper. Show me the part where your artistic expression is being compromised.