Eve is a sandbox, and we are the meddlesome toddlers who take your favorite toy when you’re not looking

The Tearful Tale of Danzavair

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Danzavair: one exceptionally angry, confused, frustrated, and borderline psychotic carebear, as well as my personal commendation for Silliest Carebear of the Month.

The adventures with Danzavair are actually a two-part farce, spread out over about 2 hrs. My first run-in with him was actually fairly unremarkable. Finding him in Ruvas, I started yoinking his loot until predictably enough, he opened fire. I could take the faux moral high-ground here and claim killing him was an act of deserved retribution, but honestly, doing it with a Rupture just sort of felt like twisting the knife and kicking sand in his eye.

After that little run-in, Danz logged and I continued to poke around in Ruvas looking for trouble. Trouble, however, found me, in the form of a young, wannabe pirate named CaptainHellfire (you can tell from the name he means business…). Actually, to be fair, calling Hellfire a pirate would actually be a dig to pirates everywhere, and I certainly won’t call him a ninja since he was failing at that too. For the purposes of this writing, lets call him a nuisance.

The Captain thought he was hot stuff since he’d managed to scan down my Orca sitting in a safe. How he managed to scan down a massive, stationary, shield boosting object, with one of the largest signature radius in the game is anyone’s guess, but he seemed quite pleased with himself at the feat.

I played along with the sarcasm when he tried to ransom me for 10mil to stop bumping, but after a while, it was just starting to get distracting. So, I encouraged him to get a bigger bump ship, and then switched safe spots on him. That’s when the real nuisance started. Captain decided to sit out in a probe and call me out in local every time I got to someones mission.

CaptainHellfire > what is your rupture now doing in the complex with the dominix? you try to get aggressed and kil them?
CaptainHellfire > RUN CAREBEARS OF RUVAS Aiden Mourn and his homies are planing something EVIL!
CaptainHellfire > hey just told me hes about to gank a faction ship in a mission RUNAiden Mourn > its true, all of it
Aiden Mourn > we ARE planning stuff!
Aiden Mourn > SO MUCH PLANNING GOING ONCaptainHellfire > the nightmare will be hit first he told me RUN NIGHTMARE

At first, I’d have to hand it to him for doing a pretty nice job being a royal pain in the ass; +1 for ingenuity. The problem was, the 6 month old Nightmare pilot who’d up to this point been yellow boxing me now seemed to have second thoughts and decided to warp out and dock instead of possibly shooting. NOW the fun and games had turned into Captain effectively cock-blocking me out of a possible Nightmare kill, and I was getting annoyed.

I’d like to think there’s a certain honor amongst thieves, and CH seemed oblivious to that. Also, he was just going about it all wrong. There’s actually an art and a grace to griefing well, and El Capitan was doing it with all the finesse of elephants mating. After he went off some more, the Nightmare pilot was now convinced he’d be shot on sight just for leaving station and decided to camp there indefinitely. Hellfire also convoed me and offered to shut up in local for 10mil. Someone was stepping just a little bit over their bounds. Thankfully, the Associated Collective of Ninja Manners and Etiquette was conveniently in session, and a plan of action was decided.

Boredom + alcohol tend to lead to innovation with groups of ninjas bantering on voice coms, and when Soul Decayed mentioned he had a suicide dessie and some sec status that needed losing, a plan was hatched.

I convoed our new friend and asked if he wanted to “be part of some hijinx”, and he of course agreed. To cut to the quick, when Captain warped to me at an undock 400km off station, he found Soul waiting for him in a suicide thrasher and was soon parted from his probe ship.

CaptainHellfire > so what do you need that fancy fleet for? you can do it on your own

*Pop!*

Aiden Mourn > well, I suppose thats what we need a fancy fleet for
Aiden Mourn > try not to be such a pain in the ass in local next time, k? =D

What can I say, it was a slow day, and Captain was just such an easy mark. After giggling about it in mumble, we noticed Captain had taken his grievances to local.

CaptainHellfire > lol fail aiden
CaptainHellfire > got my probe and now?Aiden Mourn > and now you have no probeCaptainHellfire > what did you expect? some faction stuffAiden Mourn > no, i expected your probeSoul Decayed > oh, and an explosion
Soul Decayed > those are pricelessAiden Mourn > right, and thatCaptainHellfire > lol thats just what i expected when i warped to youSoul Decayed > then you are really, really dumb?Xiozor > Aiden fails… Because he destroyed your ship?CaptainHellfire > well first i thought well you guys are in a toxic clowd for sureAiden Mourn > we were sitting off station, you could see usCaptainHellfire > well my ship was a probe that had no valueXiozor > So, he lost nothing blowing it up.Danzavair > fuck [YOINK]

You didn’t forget about Danzavair did you? Get ready for part II kids!

Aiden Mourn > I dont know, comedy is something money cant always buySoul Decayed > i was bored, and had a suicide thrasher lying around
Soul Decayed > good times are hadDanzavair > thanks for ruining my dayDanzavair > i have like no money cost me 100mil to replace that ship you popped =/Aiden Mourn > =D
Aiden Mourn > Another satisfied customer!Xiozor > What are you guys doing?CaptainHellfire > they are using an orca as shipbay and blowing up people for the lulzSoul Decayed > putting on my robe and wizard hat
Soul Decayed > what about you, Xiozor?Xiozor > lol
Xiozor > Grinding security status.Soul Decayed > haha, sameAiden Mourn > Danzavair I doubt you got set back THAT much from that raven
Aiden Mourn > Pretty terribly fit if I recallDanzavair > no it def set me back 100milXiozor > You ganked a Raven in Thrashers? How many of your guys are there?Aiden Mourn > Captain is *slightly* misinformed Xi
Aiden Mourn > Hes also short one Probe if you see one lying around
Aiden Mourn > It might very well be with Danzavair’s Raven come to think of it 😉Danzavair > nah
Danzavair > theres not a probe out here sorry
Danzavair > but you left a cargo container

It didn’t take a genius to figure out that meant Danz was back to finishing his mission, and with a sizable chip on his shoulder. I couldn’t resist, and warped back, in the same little Rupture that had removed his ship from his possession before. Sure enough, Danz was back, and with a brand new Raven! Just for the hell of it, I started looting again.

I pushed wondering how someone falls for the same trap twice to the back of my head along with “reason” and “common sense” as I turned on the disruptor and started in on relieving Danz of his second Raven of the evening, as he proceeded to have an aneurysm and spew verbal diarrhea all over local.

Danzavair > ah come on man
Danzavair > aiden wtfDork Fader > lolDanzavair > leave me the fuck alone
Danzavair > you already popped meAiden Mourn > why on earth did you shoot me again?Danzavair > because you fuckin webbed meAiden Mourn > are you high?Danzavair > no…CaptainHellfire > omg lolDanzavair > im a fuckin noob to this game
Danzavair > jesus fuckDork Fader > this is painfullDanzavair > aidenAiden Mourn > danzDork Fader > i like to be in first rows in the teathre
Dork Fader > 😀Danzavair > stop this shitAiden Mourn > you started it
Aiden Mourn > again!Danzavair > I DID NOT
Danzavair > YOU FUCKIN WEBBED MEAiden Mourn > lol, HOW could i have webbbed you?
Aiden Mourn > i dont even have a web fittedDanzavair > dude im trying to finish my damn mission
Danzavair > if you pop me i’ll have nothing so thanksAiden Mourn > and im trying to finish your second raven of the eveningDork Fader > that’s second one? 🙂Danzavair > he wotn let me warp out
Danzavair > your a fuckin jerkDanzavair > want to get into contact me
Danzavair > so i can drive over there
Danzavair > and murder your family
Danzavair > aiden ur a stupid fucking cuntDork Fader > bangDanzavair > fuck you

Danz learns a second lesson in loss and grieving of the night as Raven #2 assplodes.

…And when even Captain Hellfire is taking digs on you, you should know you’ve done something seriously stupid.

Aiden Mourn > AGAINDanzavair > man its gonna be spiritual when i fuckin murder youyAiden Mourn > lol
Aiden Mourn > how in the hell did you not learn the first time?Danzavair > dude fuck you
Danzavair > im sorry im not a mega nerd
﻿Danzavair > who knows everything about this game
Danzavair > like you
Danzavair > jesus christAiden Mourn > no but you’re a mega idiot for managing to do that twice in one nightDork Fader > lol, with a rupture 😀
Dork Fader > danz, how long it will take for you to take new raven? i wanna try my chance as wellAiden Mourn > you know, that raven really tied the room together

My cup, it overfloweth. I honestly haven’t seen tears like that in some time, and stupidity like the above is typically reserved for very, very special (read: shortbus) individuals. Congratulations Danz, don’t forget to thank all the little people who helped you get to where you are.

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