Thursday, August 26, 2010

I've never been very good at goals, and I don't exactly know what I want to do when I leave school, but I sure can dream. At least 70% of my time is spent dreaming and imagining ridiculous situations in which everything goes well for me... never particularly realistic. But it'd be nice to have an actual plan for the future... I'll get back to you on that one.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

For the first time in my life, I am constantly surrounded by people. Living in a household with four other people as compared to just my mother and I is a shock to say the least, but for me it is a welcome change as I am no longer in an unhealthy environment for the majority of my time.

The only problem with this is - despite being surrounded by people, I am lonely. Constantly. I feel like an outsider a lot of the time, like an intruder on the family life of these people. I feel accepted and welcome, of course, but nothing really beats the fact that they are a family and I am not a part of it.

So much is happening in my life, it seems. I know that leaving home was the right decision to make but it's going to take a long time for it to feel like the right decision. For now, I just feel lonely, useless, rejected, and like I'm halfway between two distinct periods of my life. It doesn't help that everyone is expecting me to repair my relationship with my mother, to meet with her and discuss our feelings and work things out so that we can live happily together again.

But I know, from 16 years of experience that this cannot happen. I love my mother, I won't deny that, but I can't stand her. She's manipulating, abusive, irrational, and extraordinarily childish. I'm not perfect, but I'm working on that. She's not perfect, but even though she knows it, she's too proud to anything about it. I can't handle being in this environment and it has been proven that it makes me clinically unhappy, yet she will not accept this. It is unfathomable, the amount of anger, sadness and hopelessness that I feel, yet to no avail. I am so close to giving up, which is a bad move now that things show actual hope of getting better. But this means nothing to me in the depths of despair.

To be honest, I would not like to be anyone else. I often say that I hate my life, and this is because I often do hate my life... But that doesn't mean that I'd want to live anyone else's life. Sure, things aren't great for me lately (or ever, really), I have a lot of problems and I'm incredibly unhappy, but this is the life that I was given and the life that I have no choice about living so I've learnt to accept it and enjoy the happier parts of it.

Things like my gorgeous boyfriend, dancing, going to the gym, cuddling/spooning my friends, and just smiling through shit make me happy and these are the things I try to focus on. People who complain about their lives need to understand that they have no choice and should focus on the good that they have instead of the negatives. I even need to remember this more often, nobody's perfect.

Monday, August 16, 2010

I dwelt aloneIn a world of moan,And my soul was a stagnant tide,Till the fair and gentle Eulalie became my blushing bride-Till the yellow-haired young Eulalie became my smiling bride.

Ah, less–less brightThe stars of the nightThan the eyes of the radiant girl!That the vapor can makeWith the moon-tints of purple and pearl,Can vie with the modest Eulalie's most unregarded curl-Can compare with the bright-eyed Eulalie's most humble and careless curl.

Now Doubt–now PainCome never again,For her soul gives me sigh for sigh,And all day longShines, bright and strong,Astarte within the sky,While ever to her dear Eulalie upturns her matron eye-While ever to her young Eulalie upturns her violet eye.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Don't complain to me, or call me, or even think about fucking anything else up for me. You have no right to blame me for what's happened, its all your own doing and you pushed it past the point of no return. Well done, you lost your daughter, and probably one of the last people left who didn't hate you. Have fun being on your own.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Basically, I made a blog because I was inspired by the marvellousness of Anooke, which can be found here: http://anooke.blogspot.com. The beautiful pictures, beautiful words and the innocence of pure thoughts being expresseed so openly left me amazed and I realised that this was something that I could do, and should do. So I did, and I pretty much owe it to her.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

When I am happy, I usually listen to happy whimsical things like Angus and Julia Stone or Lisa Mitchell. The same goes for when I'm cooking. When I'm sad, I tend replay the following songs: Valium by Lisa Mitchell, Breather Me by Sia, and Pirouette by Lisa Mitchell.

If I'm really hyped, or trying to get really hyped, Bring Me the Horizon or any kind of dubstep is what I tend to choose, and if I'm really mad, I won't listen to anything, I'll just sit there and think about how mad I am, and how mad I'm going to be for the next few hours, and how nothing can change how mad I am, not even kittens or Nutella.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

On Thursday morning, I trekked off to do something I have never done before: language camp. Nothing special, but I am proud of myself because for me, and I'm sure for others, walking into a room full of really smart strangers with your Power Rangers quilt and feeling their eyes scan you and judge you is a very daunting thought. But I did it, and I really am proud of myself. I've never been good at making friends but found myself in a situation where I had to acquaint myself with complete strangers, from strange places like Gilgandra. But all in all, it was a pretty amazing experience.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

1. Focus more properly on my schoolwork, because shit's getting serious now so I need to get serious.

2. Get better at talking to my psychologist. For obvious reasons, I mean, I'm there to talk about myself and at current, I'm not so great at talking about myself.

3. Pay everyone back all the money I owe them, because it's the right thing to do and because I hate the feeling that I'm letting people down.

4. Write in my diary everyday. I get so lazy and if I miss a day, then I get into the habit of missing it. I need to start writing in it everyday and doing it properly.

5. Make sure I have more time to do stuff for myself, like going to the gym, reading, sewing and laying in bed with Tom. Time to do things that make me happy and relaxed, feelings which are rare gems in my life.

I think it's safe to say that Thomas Abberton has definitely had the biggest impact on my life. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be alive, pretty much. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have known what it's like to feel true love, to be happy with yourself, to wake up in the morning with a smile on your face, and most of all, just to be happy and carefree because everything doesn't really matter as much as you thought it did. I am so incredibly lucky to have him in my life and I am eternally grateful that we met. Because basically, he is amazing.

Monday, July 19, 2010

The Power Rangers were always a favourite for me. They remind me of days when I would sit on my uncles' beds and watch japanese cartoons with them, asking them constantly to tell me what was going on. The red Power Ranger has the same name as my mother, and I have a Power Rangers quilt cover, so I'm pretty sure that makes me their number one fan.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

When I was a little munchkin, my one wish was to fly. For years I hoarded bird feathers that I found and collected them in a cereal box. My mum promised me that she would help me sew them all together into a flying suit when I had acquired enough, and I would often carry the box with me wherever I travelled in order to collect as many as possible. From the age of about 4 till I was 7, I faithfully stored feathers in my box, but never seemed to be able to gather enough, until one day I stopped believing and threw all my feathers away. It saddens me that I gave up on my dream so easily and I wish I had at least kept my collection, but perhaps I will start another one. I plan to get a tattoo of a feather on my foot however, as it is a symbol that seems to reoccur regularly in my life. I suppose I just yearn to be in the air. Free.

This is the beautiful water at Semaphore beach in South Australia. I love this place like a second home, and I have some of the most wonderful and painful memories there. If I don't go to Semaphore at least once a year things get messy. It also happens to house two of my most favourite people in the world, my aunt Grace and Grandpapabear Foofy. I love them.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Humourism was a theory of human philosophy adopted by Greek and Roman philosophers & physicians, and stayed the most common view of the human body in Europe until some guys started actually cutting up dead people in the 19th century, and realised what was really going on.There were four humours, melancolia, phlegma, cholera and sanguis, also known as black bile, phlegm, yellow bile and blood, & these dictated what kind of a person you would be. The idea was that everyone had them inside, and when they were perfectly balanced, then you were healthy.

So. In the fine words of wikipedia:

"The Sanguine temperament personality is fairly extroverted. People of a sanguine temperament tend to enjoy social gatherings and making new friends. They tend to be creative and often daydream. However, some alone time is crucial for those of this temperament. Sanguine can also mean very sensitive, compassionate and thoughtful. Sanguine personalities generally struggle with following tasks all the way through, are chronically late, and tend to be forgetful and sometimes a little sarcastic. Often, when pursuing a new hobby, interest is lost quickly when it ceases to be engaging or fun. They are very much people persons. They are talkative and not shy."

The moral of the story: that's me in a paragraph. So therefore, that's me in a blog name.

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourselfDay 02- The meaning behind your blog's nameDay 03- A picture of you and your friendsDay 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t haveDay 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been toDay 06- Favorite super hero and whyDay 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on youDay 08- Short term goals for this month and whyDay 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few daysDay 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, MadDay 11- Another picture of you and your friendsDay 12- Why you made a blogDay 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recentlyDay 14- A picture of you and your familyDay 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that playDay 16- Another picture of yourselfDay 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and whyDay 18- Plans/dreams/goals you haveDay 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have themDay 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the futureDay 21- A picture of something that makes you happyDay 22- What makes you different from everyone elseDay 23- Something you crave for a lotDay 24- A letter to your parentsDay 25- What I would find in your bagDay 26- What you think about your friendsDay 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challengeDay 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?Day 29- In this past month, what have you learnedDay 30- Who are you?

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Are really wonderful things. I'm especially lucky, because I own two of these marvellous creatures. They also happen to be unbearably talented, gorgeous and long-legged. Three things I aspire to be. Benedict takes amazing photos, usually of less-than-amazing things, but somehow transforms them into objects of beauty. I think it helps that she also has a lot of beautiful friends... Whatever it is, she's incredibly skilled and amazing, and something you should be looking at.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Today, I told myself I would get up and out of bed at 9:30. This was not true, I only found myself in the shower at 10:20. I made feeble attempts at looking presentable and drove with mum to the KatoombaCentrelink office - I am now the proud owner of a fortnightly Youth Allowance payment.After this we went to the op shop where I found the most wonderful bike ever put into existence, $10. I immediately bought it, however as mum had already done one nice thing for me today she proceeded to scream at me in the street about how ridiculous it was and how she wasn't going to let me have it because I was probably going to hurt myself and then she'd have to take care of me... How awful for her. So I was forced to take the bike back, and I didn't even try to ask for my money back (who asks for money back from a charity?).On a lighter note, I was invited to a party on Saturday night by my brother, which will be tremendously fun. I deserve at least one party these holidays, I mean, it's holidays!We got home at about 2 and I immediately commenced making a coconut cake that Mitch had given me the recipe for. It was so strange. When it came out of the oven it looked like a souffle and smelled absolutely divine, but upon closer inspection it appeared that all the egg had sunk to the bottom and formed some kind of coconut flavoured omelette... hmmm.After that, I pretty much just chilled for the rest of the night (aka facebooked for several hours), and now here I am.

I wish that my bedroom walls were painted to look like this. When I'm a grown up and I have my own house, my walls will look like this. It's amazing, and it makes me wish I was up in the universe being awed by the amazing - ness of the world. I love nebulas. I wish I was one.

These holidays, I plan to waste copious amounts of time being particularly uncool. I'm going to read all of the Harry Potter books all over and I might even watch all the movies again. Because being cool is really not that much fun. I might even do some knitting while I watch the movies. I can't wait.

I am one of those people, the ones who are always writing lists. I love writing lists, and if I didn't write lists, then I would actually cease to exist. I think. I write them for everything, and it's quite ridiculous as I'm one of the least organised people in the world, but wow, they make me feel good! They make me not crazy, which is always a good thing. I even have a whole exercise book dedicated to writing lists in, and when I got my job and found out that my boss was a list writer too, I believe there may have been some cream in my jeans.

There's something really really lovely about making all your thoughts go into straight lines and stay still, and to be able to cross them off when you don't need them anymore. Writing lists calms me and helps me to see properly in those moments when there is just so much going on in the world that thoughts become little snowflakes in an impenetrable blizzard.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

My secret talent = being a domestic goddess. One day I was asked what I liked to do in my spare time and this was my answer: "Knitting, Sewing, Cooking, Ironing." No one's really sure where it came from - my mother certainly didn't encourage it, and looks on worried when she comes home to find me sewing myself a new apron because "making cookies just isn't right without an apron". Nonetheless, I adore all things housewifey, and would give an arm to be transported back to the 50's where I'm sure I would fit right in. I'd wear gorgeous fitted dresses everyday and have my hair all perfectly set and never, ever forget to take my Valium.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Something that I tickle my fancy with almost every afternoon is the site http://www.lookbook.nu. I'm the sort of person that can pointlessly stalk through pages and pages of unrelated nonsense, so at least I can justify this in the name of being fashionable. Although that might be up for debate. Anyway, it's an ace website and I can't help but love scrolling through it for sometimes hours at a time, soaking in some 'culture'. Whatever you want to call it.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Bill Henson is an amazingly skilled artist. He is an amazingly controversial artist too, and I often find myself stunned to learn people's opinions of him and his work - people who I had considered open-minded and quite liberal, who spit venom at the mention of his name.

I remember when I was about 8, a family friend took me into the city entirely for the purpose of seeing a Bill Henson exhibition. I remember hearing people express their disapproval of this, and suggesting that it was entirely inappropriate for an 8 year old to see such an exhibition.

But I was captivated. I loved the exhibition perhaps more than any other I have seen to this day. It was beautiful and intruiging and like some amazing fantasy world. I sat in front of the massive photographs for what felt for hours and soaked them in, wanting to stay forever. Until recently, I had a small postcard sized print of one of his photographs stuck to my wall.

It saddens me that people can be so close-minded and so quick to judge things like this. They are afraid of unfamiliar things and they are reluctant to accept that the wrold is changing and that the general consensus on many issues has changed and become looser and freer. They are afraid to see the beauty in Henson's photographs and focus on the nakedness and what they see as vulgarness. But I suppose it is to be said that i everyone loved them as much as I do, I probably wouldn't love them as much as I do.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I love dictionaries. I love flicking through the pages and finding words that not only sound beautiful, but have beautiful meanings. I love being able to use them in everyday conversation and astound people. I love the fact that you can gather so much knowledge and put it all in one place, and share that with other people. I love the way that dictionaries look, with their perfect layouts and margins and so, so many amazing words. I love dictionaries. Go buy one, and read it.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Monkey Grip by Helen Garner is one of my favourite books of all time. It's so beautifully written and everytime I read it I learn something new about myself or the world or junkies and every single time without fail I get so wrapped up and emotionally involved with it that I find myself crying and laughing similtaneously. It was the first book I ever read that had that effect on me and it still does, and I still love it, so I highly reccomend reading it.

Friday, May 14, 2010

This is Moni, who tickles more than my fancy. Even though we've only been friends for a few years in comparison to most best friends, we pretty much outdo every other bestfriends. I would do anything for this girl, she means the world to me. I love her with all my heart and will never forget the time, laughter and copious amounts of food we've shared. From sitting on her beanbags playing Tony Hawk to sneaking out to go to a party for her, every day we've shared has been more than awesome. I love you, my darling, I always will.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

This photo was taken when I was in Adelaide last month. It was one of the best weeks I had experienced in a long time, and a welcome break from everything - schoolwork, my mum, being someone's girlfriend. Being in a place where no one knows you is a liberating thing, where you can choose what kind of impression you leave on people. I also got to spend lots of time with my amazing family, Geoff my grandfather and Grace my (18 year old) auntie, which was amazing. They are the only family I consider worth caring about, the only ones who seem to understand. Adelaide is a beautiful city, full of old churches and lush parks, and being there made my heart sing, if only for a short week.

After having a conversation today with some lovely year twelves about their HSC major works for art, I began to think about how little direction I have in my life. I don't have any long term goals, I don't have any idea what I'm going to do for my 2 (possibly 3) major works, I don't know what I'll be when I leave school, the list goes on.

I'm surrounded everyday by people who know exactly what they want and how to get there, and I stand in the middle of this rush feeling confused and left behind. I'm like the little kid who, when asked what they want to be when they grow up, says "happy". Sweet, but being happy isn't going to get me anywhere.

I often find myself asking other people what I should be when I grow up. The two most common answers are something to do with cooking, or a fashion designer/clothes maker. The problem for me is that I love these two things so much that I don't want that love ruined by having to do them everyday to support myself. I want to do something else, and then come home and make myself a lovely dress and cook risotto.

Why can't I make a living out of being a happy, creative, selfish person?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

This is me and my bestest, longest known friend Gus. We have always been and always will be the best kind of friends you could ever wish for. Sometimes I wish that all the boys in the world were like Gus... But then there would be no more virgins left! Anyway, the point is that I love Gus with everything, he's the best brother I could ever not be related to.

Monday, May 10, 2010

I love this photograph by Steven Beckly. In fact, I love all of his photographs, but this one is my favourite. His works have something special about them, something in the way of turning everyday life into beautiful, touching and inspiring art. Check it out.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

You have a heart and I have a keyLie back and let me unlock youThose heathens you hang with down by the seaAll they want to do is defrock youI know a river, where we can dreamIt will swell up, burst it's banks,babe, and rock youBut if you're gonna dine with them cannibalsSooner or later, darling, you're gonna get eatenBut I'm glad you've come aroundhere with your animalsAnd your heart that is bruised but unbeatenAnd beating like a drum

I will sit like a bird on a fenceSing you songs with a happy endingSwoop down and tell you that it don't make senseTo attack the very thing you're defendingDidn't I just buy that dress for you?That pink paper pinafore that you keep mendingWell, if you're gonna dine with the cannibalsSooner or later, darling, you're gonna get eatenBut I'm glad you've come aroundhere with your animalsAnd your heart that is banging and beatingAnd banging like a gong

I can see that they've hurt you, dearHere is some moonlight to cloak usAnd I will never desert you hereUnpetaled among the crocusAllow me, my love, to allay your fearAs I swim, in and out of focusBut if you're gonna dine with the cannibalsSooner or later, darling, you're gonna get eatenBut I'm glad you've come aroundhere with your animalsAnd your heart that is bruised but bleatingAnd bleeding like a lambBanging like a gongBeating like a drum

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Allow me to introduce you to Thomas Francis Abberton. This boy is the love of my life. What we share is so special and amazing and will last forever. What we share is not puppy love, it is true love. I could and I will spend the rest of my life with this boy and, I truly cannot wait for the years to come. I love you Tom.

This is Cait. She tickles my fancy, rather alot. She is my abortion friend, the one who will walk through the pouring rain with me and watch terrible terrible austar with me. I love her to the end of the earth and I always will.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

I have an obsession with kooky stockings. If they have holes in them, an unusual print or just something other than the ordinary mass produced, then I'm on it. I wear them at every chance I get, despite my mum's comment that they look tacky and my Deputy Principal's lovely and often expressed opinion that they make me look like a hooker.

I now have well beyond 20 pairs of said stockings - an array of colours, lengths and patterns. I'd like to show you mine but I am too poor for a camera, so cue pictures of other people's stockings.