Saturday, September 14, 2013

Theater Whore: You're Next

This
film starts off with folks fucking. Oh. Spoilers. This year has been
pretty shitty in terms of movies. The ones I have looked forward to
the most have stunk and the ones I didn't expect much out of turned
out to be quite entertaining. This movie, You're Next, was one that I
figured is like most horror movies made nowadays. Everyone is
hateable (not a real word) and when people die I don't care because I have Asperger's.
While almost everyone are people you wouldn't mind seeing die the
main character Erin played by Sharni Vinson really saves this from
being a terrible movie.

The
couple that was fucking at the start are brutally murdered by some
weirdo wearing a lamb mask which is the new sign for its time to get
the fuck out of Dodge and writes “You're Next” in blood. Meaning
nearby this guy Crispian invites his girlfriend to come visit his
rich ass family that of course live in the middle of nowhere. She
gets there and everyone is very unlikable. The whole family bickers
and fights and she is just stuck there. Earlier the mother thought
she heard someone upstairs but you can tell that she is one of those
people you just kinda deal with and not really listen to what they
say.

In
the middle of the fighting one of the brothers sees something strange
outside and suddenly gets an arrow in the forehead! This is when
everyone starts freaking the fuck out! It gets annoying as fuck
because everyone is yelling and screaming, which I get. You don't see
someone you know get an arrow in the head often. Maybe twice a year.
Erin is the only one that stays cool because she is from Australia
and that kinda thing is how breakfast begins. They all start acting
stupid and a few more people get arrowed (another fake word), one stupid ass chick
decides to run outside and gets her throat slit by a wire.

Erin
tries to get everyone settled down while her man leaves to get help.
I was immediately suspicious. The rest of the family starts getting
slaughtered left and right while Erin goes all Home Alone on these
three guys in masks. There is a guy with a lamb mask, tiger mask, and
fox mask. Erin ends up taking one of them with a meat tenderizer
while one of her man's brother and girlfriend just watch. It ends up
turning out that one of the brother's hired these crazy fuckers to
kill his family so that he could inherit all their money.

Okay.
I've never hired killers before nor do I plan to but I like to think
that killing people doesn't need to involve crossbows, axes, and
machetes. Why make a whole show out of killing these people? I mean,
I'm not complaining because it does look cool but if you are paying
guys hundreds of thousands of dollars to kill people I like to
believe that they would be far more efficient than these guys were.
Why even wear masks if you are planning on killing everyone?

So
Erin is making her way through the house killing anyone in a mask and
eventually finds out about the brother and his woman that are working
with the masked nuts. The way she fights and takes out the brother is
very fucking original. I would never think to kill someone that way
if you gave me 24 hours to do it. Maybe 27 hours. But not 24. The
ending almost made me hate the film because that's how my brain works
now. It almost pissed me off but made it all up at the very end.

After
I watched this I read up on some reviews of it and it ranges from
“Holy shit this is the best horror film in years!” to “This is
garbage and not as good as...” I don't think its the best but I did
enjoy it. The first half hour kinda drags establishing how annoying
the family is but once it picks up its pretty damned good.