Monthly Archives: June 2015

There are a ton of people who drink alcohol in this world. Many of them drink socially, some out of habit, and even more when they need to relax. Apparently alcohol has this strange calming affect on a person’s body, though I wouldn’t know anything about that. I myself have never had a drink; I’ve barely even taken a sip of wine or champagne in my lifetime. I mean, unless Communion at Church counts, I’ve never had my own bottle, cup, or any amount of alcohol.

A few years ago, even when I was underage, the people who I talked to and hung out with thought that I was some kind of strange alien because I don’t drink. I never wanted to, never saw a reason to. And yet I had two very drastic reasons why not to: my alcoholic grandfathers. I hate the pressure, hated feeling like I was the third wheel. I don’t think that feeling ever went away, not even by the beginning of this year.

So what am I doing now? I’m getting ready to write a letter to my boyfriend. Yes, the letter will be public on my blog; it’s not as impressive as you think it’s going to be. But the whole point is that the topic is alcohol. You see, when my boyfriend shows up at my house tonight to celebrate a family birthday, I’m going to give him a 4-pack of his favorite alcohol. (Yes, this does sound odd, random, etc. but bare with me. I have a point.) To go along with the little surprise, I want him to read the following “letter” so that he knows why I got him the gift. Especially since he doesn’t like surprises or presents too much, even on special occasions.

Hey Love,

You probably think this whole thing is crazy, that I just thought up this completely nonsense idea from out of nowhere and went with it. Well, maybe you’re right. But here’s the thing. There are a few things that used to bug me, and I want you to know that you helped me get over those things. If you’re reading this now, I’ve already given you the Guinness that I bought for you earlier today. I want you to understand that I didn’t give it to you because I condone you getting completely drunk or wish that you would drink more alcohol or anything crazy…

I gave you that surprise for a few reasons. I need you to know what those reasons are so that you understand that I didn’t just give you a pack of beer for no apparent reason. The gift that I gave you is for a certain reason, and I hope it means more to you than it probably will when I first hand it over to you tonight.

First, I know that you wanted to go out for seafood and beer this weekend while we were on the shore. I’m sorry we were all exhausted and that you didn’t get the meal that you wanted. I love you so much for appreciating everyone else around you and for understanding that I wasn’t backing out of that idea because of the drinking or the type of food or anything like that. I was just purely exhausted. So, to make it up to you, I gave you this gift.

Second, I want you to know that alcohol used to be high on the list of words that I never wanted to hear or discuss. You know why… I’ve talked to you about my past. But you’ve changed the way that I look at it. Don’t get my wrong; I’m not going to go out and drink a ton now (or even at all for that matter), but I don’t think that it’s some kind of awful sin or anything like I used to.

Along with the above, you have changed my perspective so that I am comfortable around people when they drink. Okay, maybe not everyone, but at least you. I appreciate that you don’t pressure me to drink, that you don’t make a big deal out of ordering alcohol when you’re around me, and that you drink sensibly. It’s nice to know that I’ll never have to pick you up off the ground, mop the puke off your lip, and throw your unconscious body into bed. That would be a huge problem for me, something I’m not sure I could handle. I’m so glad that you don’t drink like that… I cannot even tell you.

Finally, but most insane of all, I randomly saw that the grocery store had started to carry alcohol and decided that I wanted to buy some. Don’t ask why; I may be partially or totally insane. But I walked up, found that Guinness and just decided that I was going to buy some. For no other reason than to say I had. It just seemed fitting at the time to buy it in order to give you a surprise that you would enjoy and appreciate.

I guess I am now officially insane, especially after I reread that last paragraph. But it’s okay. I hope you still love me even more for it!!!

It’s after 9PM and my boyfriend and I are both still working. Well, I guess I’m technically not working, but I haven’t stopped thinking about work since about 8AM this morning. He’s had an even longer day, and I wish I could do something more than Skype him to make up for it!

Not sure what to say about his work day, so I’ll just share details of mine…

Today was a weird day. I forgot my laptop at home for one thing, which is basically a teacher’s sin. Or something like that.. maybe committing teacher suicide? In any case, one of my family members was nice enough to drive it to work for me so that I could actually accomplish something with the remaining 8 hours of my work life for the day.

I actually got quite a few things done, but I chose to work in a coworker’s room so that I could talk to them and we could listen to the radio together. With that being said, our conversations were pretty short and terse. We were both so distracted by other things that were going on that we just weren’t focused enough on each other’s presence to pay attention to a conversation of any substance.

At one point my coworker had started to say something that I took in a sarcastic way. No big deal, but apparently my laugh bothered her. I mean, I cannot be certain that she wasn’t teasing me right back, but she made a weird comment that has me questioning myself and my status at work now. I don’t understand how her new task of assigning classrooms to teachers should have anything to do with my status or attitude towards her. She mentioned something about me “needing to be nice” to her or I would never get a classroom. First of all, I thought she was joking. Secondly, I am now stuck wondering if people actually think I would be one of thosepeople.

You know the people right? The ones who would rather see you dead while they inherit your money than to see you healthy and happy without their own monetary gain. Okay, maybe that’s a little extreme, but I’m not exaggerating by much. Why would I evertreat someone differently just to get what I want.

Okay, at home I tell someone that I will do one chore for them if they do one task for me. That’s a little different though; I still do random acts of kindness at home on occasion. And even if my family understands that we are just swapping jobs and helping each other out, I wish I knew that people at work did not see me in this kind of light. I would never put others above or below anyone else just for my own gain.

I know, I know… most people in this day and age would slit throats to get ahead in their careers, to make more money or to have more vacation days. As much as I would love to have a classroom for easy access to my supplies, a place to make my own comfort zone, and a quiet place to work during the day… I’m not going to suck up to someone to get it.

I feel it is wrong for me to be this upset about something that was said, but to clarify, she said it at least two times to me throughout the day. I still cannot tell whether she was joking and am unsure that I will ever be able to tell. So, for whatever reason, I’m praying right now that things don’t become awkward between the two of us. I know not to trust people outside of my family very much at all, but I thought that she was someone I could at least rely on a little bit. Was I wrong again?

I guess the thing is this: I see where Joe is coming from, but I also understand where Gina has been. If I am not directly involved in a situation, it is so easy for me to have this wide open perspective. I wonder if that’s why I sometimes struggle to get along with people.

Why am I writing about this now anyway? I still have other feelings I need to write about and get out of my mind. I guess the only reason I am even thinking about this perception now is because I saw it firsthand tonight.

I absolutely love spending time with my boyfriend and my family. I know this love and want and need stems from how I was raised by such a close knit group of parents. But what I struggle to realize sometimes is that not everyone had the amazing family that I had growing up. Not everyone actually understands what it means to be a part of a true family. So maybe my people take the crazy and the love to the extremes sometimes. They are still the ones who love me and they always will be.

I guess the thing my family doesn’t realize is that I have someone in my life who means the world to me but doesn’t fully understand my upbringing. And it seems that person also doesn’t understand why my family is the way it is.

I would like to tell everyone how it truly is… how things look from my outside perspective. Because, while I love them all, I get a little lost in between their differing beliefs sometimes. That alone is confusing to me. I can see things from so many different points of view that it’s crazy. Just the other day a friend asked me about what kind of Lutheran I am. I honestly couldn’t answer her, because even if I had attended the same church my entire life, my beliefs are pretty scattered. I’ve had time spent in a UCC organization, but I then moved to a Lutheran church. In between that, I was a Catholic school teacher and attended all of their mass services. See what I mean by being able to understand all kinds of things? Heck, I’m even a fairly religious person who is also a scientist and mathematician; explain that one once!

The point being is that I hope I didn’t upset any of my family or T by speaking out tonight or over the past few nights. I know my attitude and personality is not always fun to get along with. In fact, I often blame my anxiety on the fact that even I cannot get along with myself. In any case, I hope that we are all mature and strong enough adults to be able to talk through things, work through other situations, and form even stronger bonds than what we already have. I’m sorry for the crap I’ve put you all through; wish I could do more to guarantee it’ll never happen again….

Today I did something awesome. I did something I’ve never gotten to do before. Yep, today, I got to make some kids feel really good. We had an awards ceremony for the end of the year, and I got to present two different awards. I guess it’s one thing for the older kid; he gets basically every award imaginable and has ranked nationally in academics so many times that he probably lost count. (Not sure how by the way. Our school isn’t very popular or anything…)

But the other student was a girl. A girl who, just a few months ago absolutely hated Math. I am so glad that I was able to watch her grow up into a very mature young adult. Her helpfulness in my class was astounding, and I will never be able to thank her enough for all of the help that she has given me.

Also today, I realized that my first year of teaching is truly over. We have four days left of exams, and the rest of the summer is mine! I don’t know how other teachers feel at this time of the year, but I am feeling about five hundred different emotions. I cannot even control them or determine what they all are. I guess instead I’ll go spend the night with the ones I love so that tomorrow when I wake up, I can go see the kids that I also love.

As crazy as this is going to sound, things have changed for me. I know I have grown this year, but I never thought I’d be ending the work year off on this note. I’ve graduated from grad. school, I’ve loved over 40 kids that might as well be my little siblings, I’ve adopted a puppy, I’ve picked up more responsibilities and more outgoing behaviors, and I’ve started to fall in love.

That’s right everyone, this girl has started to fall. And possibly, fall hard.

I guess I should be clear right now; I am not head-over-heels, completely infatuated, obsessed, teenager kind of immature in love. Nope… this one feels different than those silly emotions. This time, it feels like I have someone special in my life who makes a difference in my life every day. I have someone who is sweet, kind, caring, and will go out of their way to make things better for me regardless of the circumstances.

It is true that we have only been together for a few months now, but I have such positive feelings about us. It’s different than before. This time I can focus on other parts of my life without feeling like things will change in my relationship because of my focus on other things. This time I have a supporter who never fights with me and only upsets me when it’s completely unintentional. This time one of our favorite things to do is talk… not move, not be active, not be distracted by others… this time the time that we spend alone brings out the truth in my thoughts and feelings. I think it brings out the same in him. And regardless of the situation, every time that we have had some confusion or miscommunication, our late-night talks have straightened out all of the mess.

This time I love a man who holds my heart in his hands truly, completely, and irreversibly. Don’t get me wrong, we still have a lot of getting used to each other to go through. There will still be hardships and accomplishments that, sitting here, I cannot even imagine. In fact, things may completely fall apart at some point without any warning or without being in our control in any way. But right now I realize that the relationship I am in is not one that is setting me up to be blindsided. Unlike before, I can think through things logically, can get mad if I have a good reason, and can be sensible about my thoughts and feelings. Better yet, I have never been mistreated by my boyfriend, and he seems to have these exact same feelings towards me and our relationship. Now that I am thinking through things more maturely, things are different.

So here’s what I have to say… Don’t be afraid to open yourself up to trust someone. Let the trust build gradually and slowly, but let it build! Meet new people in random ways and unexpected places too. You never know where you will meet someone who is going to change your life or who has popped into your view for a reason. And finally, never give up on love. While I thought I had given up on the idea of marriage, dating, having kids, etc…. I realized how wrong I was to have had those thoughts over the past 10 months or so.

And if my boyfriend is reading this, thank you. I know I tell you those two words a lot and you tell me I don’t have to say it for the tiny things. But this, the way you have affected me, has not been anywhere close to a little thing. This is my life, and regardless what happens to us, you have changed it. Thank you for the new experiences and the amazing friendship. I hope we have many, many more days together. ❤