Thursday, July 7, 2011

[Comic title: Delivery Notification; alt text: You can arrange a pickup of your sword in Rivendell between the hours of noon and 7:00 PM.]

Ahh, observational humor at its worst. Randy must have ordered a new laptop recently, but due to an excess of time spent in the privacy of what I'm sure he calls the "xkcd control room" masturbating to images of lactating women with Megan's picture plastered over their faces, he missed the UPS guy's knock on the door. How irritating! He has to go down to the UPS place and pick it up now!

But Randy knows that mere observational humor is not enough for his sophisticated audience. They also need a nerd reference, and then a HILARIOUS TWIST at the end where it turns out he was too busy pouring milk over his naked chest to answer the door when the elves delivered the sword he needed for some reason, to take to the UPS place?

This seems like yet another of Randy's forays into the genre of the shaggy dog story. The problem is, even when he uses twelve panels to accomplish something, he just doesn't know how to build anything up. What should be eleven panels of buildup become eleven panels of boring conversation and uninteresting tangents, so when the punchline arrives it's just more of the same. He's failed to build expectation at all, so how is he meant to defy them?

(Also what is with the line "I can see the UPS building on the map"? Is that supposed to make it sound like it's close? Because I can see a lot of things on the map that aren't close to me (jk lol i am so fat all things are close to me).)

Hey guys, this isn't funny. Obesity is a serious problem in this country and you're just joking about it like it's nothing. "HI I'm Rob and I'm so fat that instead of going grocery shopping I just squeeze oil out of my flesh and drink it because I'm too fat to go to a grocery store".

It is a fat that 1 in every 3 people who reads this blog will die from being too fat, so maybe you should think about people's feelings before you portray obesity as some sort of whimsical peccadillo. Fat people are not really like happy, dancing hippopotami. They are instead, sad, worthless hippopotami. But look in a mirror; the real hippopotamus is you.

Hey guys, so according to this article I just read in the Journal of American Pseudoscience [citation needed], there are some women for whom cunnilingus can induce spontaneous lactation. Since I have a vested interest in the topic, and of course in the name of science, I would like to study this phenomenon. Therefore, I plan to hire a prostitute (or perhaps several) on which to test this theory. But apparently prostitutes are expensive, because they need money to put themselves through college and indulge in quirky behavior. So if you would like to make a small donation to further this noble, scientific cause, please send it to my PayPal account: randallmunroe@megansmilk.com.

Yeah, I thought so. You lot are still banging angrily at your keyboards just because somebody happens to be successful. Perhaps you've noticed that Randall has some problems in his life? His fiance has breast cancer. This is a rather serious issue, in case you lack the empathy to realize it.

Honestly, give the guy a break. He doesn't need this shit. Just accept he has an audience that respects and admires him and move on.

Holy crap, I think that you should be able to restrict the circles that can see your gender in Google+ (though Randy is going a bit over the top saying making it a mandatory field at all Is Bad), but as a member of oh-so-weak-and-vulnerable woman-kind, that third paragraph just makes me want to punch him.

I don't know if I should feel disgust or pity after reading that post. However, I am pretty sure that I'd get a pretty big laugh if he ever introduced himself in this way: "Hi, I'm Randall, and I'm a MAN."

OK, maybe I missed something somewhere along the way, but what is it with this blog claiming that Randall has a lactation fetish? If it was something that was just brought up once in a while it might be vaguely funny but it feels like you reference it every other post and I just don't get it.

A standardised Breast-Related Expression Average Statement Tabulation (ISMETA) reveals approximately 0.04 Randall lactation-related references per xkcdsucks poster per day, far less frequent than Randall's lactation-related posts. When you factor in the time Randall spends thinking about lactation without actually posting to a public board, you find that Randall expends four orders of magnitude more lactation-thought-minutes than even Rob.

Rob spends the free time thinking about pies, being the fat fuck that he is, but pies need not concern the concerned citizen nearly as much. Unless they're milky creamy Megan cream pies.

Concerning Randall's cancer crisis, while I don't like the comments aimed at Randy's fiance since no one here really knows anything about her, I still think we should continue to critic the comics. Randall keeps putting them up, and he doesn't get a "Get out hate free" card just because his fiance is sick.

Back when he did that awful "I used to like maths" comic, I started a battle in the alternate universe (i.e. xkcd forums), in which people were bashing me over the head with "Y U NO THAT THIS COMIC IS PERSONAL? ITS JUST MEANT TO BE DEEP AND PROFOUND, AND IT DOESNT REFLECT HIS LIFE"!! Well, turns out that Randall just proved that I, as well as other critics, were right all along: the comic WAS personal, and he REALLY DOES display his personal life in his comics. Ah, if only the fans could see that...

And that newest comic, what the fuck is that? Is Randall even capable of TRYING to write an actual joke these days?

Randall doesn't look at this site; we have sources that confirm this, something about "it'd be weird"/"he doesn't like reading things like this". So anything we post here has no reasonable bearing on him.

Well Friday's is lame. Didn't make me smile or even think "that's funny" in my head. Not so rage-worthy as it is just nothing. In fact, if I saw it anywhere else, I would not have guessed it belonged to a webcomic.

Rhythm is a dancer, it's a soul's companionYou could feel it everywhereLift your hands and voices, free your mind and join usYou can feel it in the airOh oh, it's a passion, oh oh, you can feel it, yeahWoh oh, it's a passion, oh oh oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh

Rhythm is a dancer, it's a soul's companionYou could feel it everywhereLift your hands and voices, free your mind and join usYou can feel it in the airOh oh, it's a passion, oh oh, you can feel it, yeahWoh oh, it's a passion, oh oh oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh

Rhythm, you can feel it, you could feel itRhythm, rhythm is a dancerRhythm, you can feel it, you could feel itRhythm, rhythm is a dancer

Let the rhythm ride you, guide youSneak inside you, set your mind toMove to its pulsationBass vibration, synth sensationPause, it's not in place, seeMind and body must be free toPlease take it all inNothing to lose, everything toWin, but it controls youHolds you, molds you, back to olderNew, touch it, taste itFree your soul and let it face youGot the beat what you wannaIf the groove don't get ya the rifle's gonnaI'm serious as cancer

"A leader who brought his country out of a severe economic downturn and moved audiences with his fiery speeches. His innovative approach to civil rights helped increase popular sensitivity toward, and expose the true evil nature of, racism and anti-Semitism, leading to their marked decline in the Western world. His ambitious foreign policy led to significant reforms in international law, including the international prosecution of war criminals."

Randall raises an excellent point on his google+ account. I've always been worried about big, strong men shoving their sweaty, meaty biceps through the internets to throttle helpless women. Or perhaps I was aroused by this thought. In any case, these unfortunate women are put up like targets by their mandatory need to reveal their genders by evil social networking sites, thus bringing the lusty hordes of physically (and mathematically) superior males screaming from the (internet) hills. Many a woman has drowned in a pile of hairy thrashing limbs and spraying semen disgorged without warning from a computer screen and into her humble abode of safety. ALTF may well be one of the few survivors of such a brutal attack, and while she wears her scars bravely, they are apparent to us all. Now only Randall dares to speak up for the oppressed gender, dares to imply that men are anything other than gentle protectors, dares to point to the highwaymen who terrorize the tubes. Shall this White Knight meet with defeat or glorious victory? Only time will tell.

On one hand I, personally, like keeping every fucking thing I can private. On the other; I really don't give much of a fuck if people know my gender. I'll probably hide it if I can, but if I can't, then oh well.

You can't help laughing when the occasional comment calls Randall on being patronizing and condescending, and Randall basically goes "no I'm not, I'VE SPOKEN TO GIRLS BEFORE AND THIS IS WHAT THEY THINK!"

Next it's going to be "I'm not racist, some of my best friends are black, but..."

Frequent Flyer Tip # 4How to get a free upgrade to First Class.Wear clothing you know is awash with GSR and look shifty, avoiding eye contact, while at Check-In.This will ensure your Boarding Pass will include the pre-printed initialism ‘S S S S’.Before joining the long queue at the Security Screening area, play dumb and ask a nearby Security Officer if this is the queue for you – show him/her your Boarding Pass.He/She will notice the ‘S S S S’ and you will be immediately taken through security and subjected to the ‘Swab’. They will, of course, discover the GSR and take you to a holding cell. You can rely on the fact Security/DHS will not tell you why they are doing what they are doing. This is good – you need not explain anything.Just before they attempt the body-cavity search, assuming you do not wish to have this done, you present your ‘paperwork’ and all is forgiven. Remember, the arrogance of the DHS Officers will prevent them from asking any questions that would have ‘solved’ this problem at an earlier stage.You have by this time missed your flight. They place you on the next flight to your destination – in First Class!

Apparently you don't know how IP addresses work, ALTF. Anyone who's been on the internet longer than 20 minutes or so can tell you that IPs cannot be faked in the matter of your suggestion.

So it seems that ALTF truly does live in a village on the Minnesoto-Canadian border. Shame. I was even beginning to respect her. Now we all see her in a different light.

We thought you were a well-versed cosmopolitan fellow-traveller. Now we see you're a dull little woman in a dull little town who's simply seeking for attention on the internets cause her social life can't provide any.

My sense of male privilege gives me super powers. One of them is to call ALTF out of the woodwork - it's like being able to attract termites, but not nearly so much fun. I'm sure your Aquarian skin is delightfully free of scars, marking you as one with little experience in deadly combat with bladed weapons.

Also, can someone tell me with what I'm supposed to sense I'm privileged? Is it the privilege of wasting people's time on webcomics forums? In such case, guilty as charged, I suppose. Or is it the privilege of thinking that being concerned about someone's relative size over an electronic medium like the internet is ridiculous?

Perhaps it is the privilege of possessing two pale and perfect inches of Massachusetts white snake, guaranteed to provide the best 30 seconds any human could expect to experience after seeing such a formidable creature exposed.

"....Also, can someone tell me with what I'm supposed to sense I'm privileged?...."

I know one uses their nose to sense your smell and their eyes to sense your visage. What one might use to sense your privilege I am at a loss.Perhaps you should rephrase that question. Then I'll answer it for you.

@Anon 4:08 - Yah, the menstration would certainly suck. Minnesota at least has good bratwurst, though.

On the subject of XKCD, I found the reaction to comic #922 on the forums to be unsurprising but refreshing. No-one likes the comic, as far as I can tell. Also there was a great interjection by some guy who is an 'alpha' and uses the word 'industrio-fascist'. I think he might lead a wolf pack. A luddist wolf pack.

ALTF reminds me of a Greek girl I knew many years ago. She'd go on Interweb forums and make up these absurd fantasies about her history and adventures, the only thing of any substance being some vague and embellished truth about her guy, on whom she completely relied. She would express herself in verbose sentences which she clearly thought herself smart to have produced, but the only smiles she elicited were people holding back a laugh at her. She also had obsessions with certain words (although "cunt" was not have one of hers).

Her life was essentially a symbiosis between her attention-seeking need and others' desire to have a clown who was sufficiently self-centred and rude that you couldn't muster up the empathy to feel sorrow.

I felt fairly sorry for the woman's boyfriend, though - he had practically moved out and turned to drinking to avoid her. Although he did get his life together buying and selling property.

(in b4 the guy was you - I'm a dirty commie and would not be seen dead trading in houses)

I see everyone is obeying Randy's wish that nobody mention Fight Club again. How large a chunk of pop culture do you think he could delete from internet conversation via his comic before the GOOMH reaches critical mass?

What the hell is this?

Welcome. This is a website called XKCD SUCKS which is about the webcomic xkcd and why we think it sucks. My name is Carl and I used to write about it all the time, then I stopped because I went insane, and now other people write about it all the time. I forget their names. The posts still seem to be coming regularly, but many of the structural elements - like all the stuff in this lefthand pane - are a bit outdated. What can I say? Insane, etc.

I started this site because it had been clear to me for a while that xkcd is no longer a great webcomic (though it once was). Alas, many of its fans are too caught up in the faux-nerd culture that xkcd is a part of, and can't bring themselves to admit that the comic, at this point, is terrible. While I still like a new comic on occasion, I feel that more and more of them need the Iron Finger of Mockery knowingly pointed at them. This used to be called "XKCD: Overrated", but then it fell from just being overrated to being just horrible. Thus, xkcd sucks.

Here is a comic about me that Ann made. It is my favorite thing in the world.

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