Sunday, July 4, 2010

I wont give you the satisfaction of even knowing this is about you, but I get the feeling that the point of these letters is to say things we've never said before. I would like to take the time out to thank you for all of the crap you put through for an entire year. You said that it was the best year of your life, but I think you're lying to yourself. Or maybe, you really enjoyed seeing me squirm. Like the master of a torture chamber. I was too blind to know that it wasn't love that you had for me, rather some kind of spell. Some supernatural control for a naive little girl. Before then, I hadn't ever spoken about a guy to anyone else and I certainly never took my issues to church. The thing is, I knew you weren't good for me. I never could find the strength to leave you though...not until I found God--forreal. You told me that you were saved, and I believed you because you wore a suit well, shouted, and sang on Sunday. When I actually took the time to re-evaluate my OWN relationship with God and how a christian is supposed to look, I realized that I had been deceived and taken advantage of. You lied, neglected me, and abused me, but I forgive you . You saw an opportunity and you took it. Ive grown so much since then. I'm so glad that I actually listened to God instead of just inferring what he "meant" for my life. He would never place me with a person who makes me cry every night. And no, they weren't tears of joy. I was happy when I got to the place that I just didn't care anymore. Breaking up with you was hard, but I had to do it. Ignoring your calls, texts, and messages killed me, but I knew that you actually would have if I let you stay in my life. I hid it so well. No one knew I was hurting.
There was a church service, the last one before you got that call from me in the middle of the night, that spoke about forgiveness. I still held so much hatred for you in my heart. He told us to call the person we still have yet to forgive. The phone BURNED in my hand, I held it for so long and so tightly. I called you, told you everything that was going through my mind and I told you that I forgave you. Although I still had work to do I never, from that point on, showed any sort of disdain toward you. That, in itself, is an act of God. I still believe that one day you'll see what you're doing is wrong and you'll come to know Christ as your savior and really surrender your life to him. NOT so that you and I can be together- that ship has long sailed. But so that your sins wont lead you to hell. Although I am no longer in love with you, I love you enough to not want to see you go there. I'll be praying for you. You bruised me, but you didnt break me. I havent given up on love because you were never the definition of it. I know that there's someone who will love me just the way I am without trying to make modifications to my weight and hair. If it werent for you, I wouldnt have known my worth. I wouldnt have the hunger that I have for God right now. I wouldnt spend hours studying His word, and I wouldnt have the standards that I have for men now. I absolutely refuse to let another "you" back into my life. A relationship is supposed to glorify God, not tear down his kingdom. So, while our relationship wasnt fruitful, it helped me blossom. I am now eternally grateful for wisdom, and grace, and for Jesus Christ.

2 comments:

I love this Robbie and I'm glad you've grown from that situation. I admire your strength and I wish I had that same drive to do what you did a long time ago instead of trying to mend the unfix-able. *snaps*