My Vippassana Meditaion Day1~5

日本語はコチラ Today, I saw my friend off who went to her 4th Vippassana meditation.
She said “I’m sooo excited!!”, looked all fun and left. (why so…?)

Vippassana is, you go to the center for 12 days, meditate 10hours x 10days = 100hours.
I did about a year ago, and thinking of going there again in this year.
So, today I’ll write about my experience of Vippassana.

For a long time, my friend recommended me to go there but I didn’t.
Because,
1, I can meditate at home (at least trying)
2, I can’t take 12days off from work and it’s not even a vacation!
3, I’m not sure if I need to really commit to meditate

You know.

And the reason why I finally made a decision to go there is, I heard an unpleasant story from my friend at the airport.
We were on the way home from the 2 weeks summer trip, and I was in such a happy mood.
Then, hearing about the story made my feeling upside down.

A minute ago my emotion was “happiness”, then now the emotion of “stress” is sitting in the middle of my guts, doesn’t wanna move.Even though it was MY emotion, I had no control over it.

This is not working…
Will vippassana release my negative emotion?Can I have a better control over my negative reaction?

After the trip, I submitted the application to the vippassana center.
(It’s very popular & the number is limited, so you need to apply 3,4 months prior)

Right before going to Vippassana, I took an IH session because I was having pain in my arms.
It turned out to be a very simple energy balancing, and my goal for the session was,“My arm is free.”
I would find this had much deeper meanings to it after the vippassana.

And there I was, at the center.
I handed my cell phone to the staff, and during the 10 days we were completely shut off from the outer world, and prohibited to talk to anyone or not even an eye contact. ( I was pleased by this rule & it helped so much to focus)

It is a complete silent.
Strictly follow the written time table, I live with an inner voice of myselfonly.

And in the large hall, by the teacher’s order, we started meditating.

To be honest, though I was determined, a sleepiness still came countless times during my meditation.
Well, the meditation starts from about 5 o’clock in the morning, also there is only 5,6 hours of sleep time in the time table. Of course I was sleepy.

Though falling asleep probably half of the time, some movement occurs in my mind.
Somehow, so much anger comes up to the surface.
Treated unfairly at work, the anger towards the people, frustration, they all came up and left, then another anger towards someone in the past who had hurt me came up, and left… It repeats over and over.
I wonder if this is a process of releasing them.

I can’t remember if my old negative emotion about the relationship with my mother came up at that time. The complicated emotion towards her was long gone after I met IH, and the only emotion I had for her was an appreciation.

But still, something shifted inside of me on the 4th day of Vippassana.
In the morning, I had a dream.
I don’t remember the detail, but heard a voice of my mother sounded so real, it said
“Mai, wake up!”
And a few seconds later, I heard an actual voice from my roommate who I was sharing a room with.
“Mai! It’s time!”
She worried that I would be late to the mediation at the hall, so woke me.
I jumped out of the bed and rushed to the hall with a still foggy head.

Then I started to meditate, but still hearing the voice of my mother in the dream.
And I was actually surprised by having that dream.
Because, after moving to the U.S. I waited for my permanent resident status for 8,9years, and during that time I sometimes had a dream that my mother appeared.
And it had always the same story. I was running away from her who was trying to kill me, and fighting with so much fear of being killed. The same dream stopped when I finally became a permanent resident.

But, on that day, for the first time, she wasn’t a killer.
In fact, she tried to wake me up kindly.

I don’t know how to say, but I came to know there was always love in the relationship with her.
I felt it as if it was tangible.

I couldn’t stop tears flowing down on my cheek while meditating.I don’t know whether she had love or ego in her mind, but I felt love in her spirit.
Though they say there is only love in the spirits of all kinds of human beings, it was sometimes difficult to feel it in this 3 dimension world.

One more thing, for the first time, I realized myself wanting to feel loved so much.
“That makes me look like a kid”, “I got over it”, “I’m Ok”, whatever.
There was me who simply wanted to be loved.

Vippassana day 1~5 passed, day 6~10 will be continued in the next blog!