Freeing Yourself from Jealousy

Unlocking a secret of the tenth commandment.

At a first glance of the Ten Commandments, the average person would find most of them both logical and feasible. After all, who could disagree with rules such as “You shall not kill” and “You shall not steal”? The last commandment, however, might leave one a bit apprehensive: “You shall not covet the home of your fellow, nor his spouse or servants or animals, or anything that belongs to your fellow.” (Exodus 20:14)

Nowadays, servants and animals might not be the coveted items, but we can certainly relate to envying our neighbor’s new car or fancy china plates. Desire is a feeling that seems to come almost unbidden. It is an emotion that tends to overwhelm one’s entire being. An obvious question arises: how can God ask us to control a feeling? We think to ourselves, Of course, I would never steal my neighbor’s new crystal vase, but I can’t even secretly want it? How can we be expected to uphold this commandment?

Let us first define what the Torah identifies as “desire.” The Ten Commandments are listed in the Torah in two different places: once in the Book of Exodus and again in Deuteronomy. Interestingly, their wording is not identical. In Exodus, the tenth commandment reads, “You shall not covet” (lo tach’mod) while in Deuteronomy, it reads “You shall not desire” (lo tita’veh).

Jealousy is an impulsive, natural reaction. How can we avoid it?

This discrepancy clarifies the two parts of the commandment. Desire means wanting another’s possession and designing a mental plan for acquiring it for oneself. Coveting is defined as pursuing that plan of getting the desired item. Technically, this commandment does not prohibit the undeveloped general thoughts of craving someone else’s belongings. These thoughts, however, are the catalyst for one’s formulation and execution of a plan to acquire the item he wants.

Negative thinking that precedes desiring and coveting is nothing less than jealousy. The Talmud says that “jealousy, desire and honor remove a person from the world” (Avot 4:21). Jealousy is such a destructive emotion that often misleads us to act in despicable ways. If envy is the motivating point of origin that leads to desiring and coveting, then it needs to be uprooted altogether.

This seems to be a tall order for human beings; jealousy is an impulsive, natural reaction. How can we avoid it?

The Peasant’s Wife

The Torah’s guidelines enable us to become more Godly people, to break free of the emotional limitations of being physical creatures. But how do we free ourselves from jealousy? Sefer HaChinuch (416) presents this question regarding the Torah’s requirement to control our desires. Interestingly, he says that intelligent, honest people know that they are the masters of their emotions. In reality, however, the intensity of our desires makes us feel that these desires are often unmanageable.

If the Sefer HaChinuch considers it a basic assumption that emotions are controllable, why do we experience the opposite? What is the missing link here?

Let us examine the general nature of our desires. Is there a limit to that which arouses our jealousy? Consider the following parable: A simple peasant seeking a wife, due to his lowly status, has a small pool of potential candidates. Maybe he considers his neighbor’s daughter, or the peasant girl down the road. This simple man would never yearn to marry the royal princess. Even if she is the most beautiful and desirable woman, he still wouldn’t invest any emotional energy in longing for her. Why not? He doesn’t consider the princess to be a realistic option. Royalty doesn’t marry commoners like him. (see Ibn Ezra, Exodus 20:13)

Our mindset is comparable to that of this man in the parable. We only long for things that we perceive as within the scope of personal possibility. Recognize this human phenomenon: Our desires remain within the boundaries of our self-perception and, therefore, place limitations on jealousy.

We only long for things that we perceive as within the scope of personal possibility.

Our desires are determined by our view of ourselves and the world. If this is true, then we do have ultimate control over our desires. Emotions might seem too powerful to subdue, but we can alter our intellectual framework. We can direct our feelings by manipulating our perception of ourselves. By being realistic about our strengths and weaknesses, we can change our thoughts and desires.

Custom Tool Box

How can we gain an accurate self-perspective? Let us look to the first commandment about believing in God. Introductions and conclusions often have a common theme or connection. Such is the case with the first commandment (I am Your God) and last commandment (You shall not covet). Deep belief in God includes an awareness that He is the Source of all creation, providing each individual being with exactly what it needs physically and spiritually. Therefore, to desire or covet what others have is antithetical to the first commandment.

Everything in an individual’s possession is given to him in order to achieve his particular life purpose. Everyone has a God-given, custom-designed box of tools with which to do his particular job. Just as in practical life professions, for example, a chef has a box of kitchen utensils and a doctor has a box of medical supplies. Would a chef ever want a stethoscope? No, because it won’t help him bake a cake. Would a doctor ever dream about owning an eggbeater? No, because it won’t help him heal a patient’s wound.

God gives us certain inborn talents, life circumstances, and physical possessions with which to fulfill our role in life. If there is something we lack, we must not need it. It would be unnecessary, and even counter-productive for achieving our unique potential, to have anything more than God gave us.

Having this perspective is not only important to us as individuals; these values influence those around us, especially the next generation. If our actions focus on materialism, then our children hear the underlying message and adopt that value. However, if our deeds are spiritually-oriented, then others will be influenced by our example.

Someone once shared with me how she handles jealousy between her children. She compares possessions to an eyeglasses prescription. Prescriptions are customized to individual people. Would anyone ever insist that his eye doctor give him another person’s prescription? Of course not! We realize that wearing someone else’s glasses won’t help us see and often blurs our vision. Since another person’s glasses aren’t going to help us see, there is no sense in wanting them. If someone in the family expresses desire for another’s belongings, the parent tells him, “It’s his prescription.”

Emotional reactions to others’ material possessions send powerful messages to our children. When our neighbors go on an expensive vacation, do we wish aloud that we could, too? The woman who serves on beautiful china plates – do we think about her, “Why don’t I have plates like that?” We notice a new car in someone else’s driveway. “Wow! Wouldn’t it be amazing if I had one like that?” How do these responses affect other people, especially the young people who look at us as role models to emulate?

Treasured Possessions

On a personal note, once an appraiser came to assess the monetary value of our property for insurance purposes. He took a small scale out of his bag and said: “Okay, let’s weigh your jewelry.” So, I handed him the few inexpensive pieces that I own. He looked a bit disappointed and asked, “Is that all you have?” I replied, “Well, we do have a lot of books.” He shook his head, “No, no. What about silver items?” I proceeded to show him a couple of menorahs. He asked, “What other silver things do you have?” I replied, “That’s all the silver, but we have a lot of books.” He frowned and asked, “Cameras?” We handed him our two cameras.

The exchange continued in this way. Whenever he asked for more, we would reply, “No, but we have a lot of books. Books are really important.” After a while, the appraiser was frustrated with us and decided to look around our apartment himself. At the end of his survey, he commented, “You know, you have a lot of books!” I said, “Right! Books! That is important to us!”

I hope that my children gleaned two lessons from the incident. The first message is that books are worth acquiring. What we fill our homes with speaks volumes (!) about our priorities. I also hope they heard the assessor point out that we didn’t own significant amounts of jewelry, silver or cameras. Our response was not a sigh or a frown, saying, “Wow – why don’t we have more of those things?” If we had reacted with a hint of disappointment, the strong value placed on materialism would have been subtly conveyed to our children. The people around us, especially our children, observe all that we do. Our actions and reactions influence their thoughts and subsequently their actions.

We all have the ability to control our desires. The jealousy that leads us to desire has no place in our lives, because we each have exactly what we need. God provides each individual with the necessary customized tools to complete his unique mission. By elevating our perspective, we preserve this tenth commandment and transform ourselves. We grow one step closer to reaching the spiritual potential that was given exclusively to human beings.

sources: Mishpatei HaShalom, Ta'am VaDa'as, Michtav Mei'Eliyahu

Excerpted from Torah Tapestries, taking you from the depths of Egyptian slavery to the completion of the Tabernacle in the desert, the book of Shemos (Exodus) encompasses many basic elements of the Jewish faith and practice. The meaningful messages offered here will speak to every individual who strives to grow spiritually. Purchase at: http://www.feldheim.com/torah-tapestries-shemos.html

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About the Author

Mrs. Shira Smiles is on the faculty of Darchei Binah Women's School for Advanced Torah Studies. A sought-after lecturer, seminary teacher, and curriculum developer, Shira has touched the lives of thousands of women over the past two decades through her teaching and writing.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 14

(11)
Nancy,
June 2, 2014 11:51 AM

This article is terrific! When I was an adolescent it seemed like all I ever felt was envy for what other people had. Sometimes my perceptions were way off, as I learned that things are not always what they seem to be. Nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors. With that said, I've learned instead to look at a person I admire and try to emulate that person's positive qualities. When we admire people and try to make changes for the better, it is a win-win situation. Conversely, envy brings nothing but frustration and misery.

(10)
Andy,
February 10, 2012 4:57 PM

jealousy is both the root of evil and a motivator to why things get accomplished

Seems to me that sometimes the peasant thinks big and transforms himself enough to marry the princess or equivalent, as with Rabbi Akiva. Seems coveting is forbidden because it does not take into account the step of transformation. I believe it was Rabbi N Weinberg of blessed memory who taught that in the garden of eden, if they had eaten from the tree of life they could have then handled eating from the tree of knowledge.

(9)
Beverly Kurtrin,
February 9, 2012 10:04 PM

Converting Jealousy to Happiness

People have asked me if I wouldn't like to live in a "nicer" house. My answer invariably is no; I love my modest abode. I am disabled and it was as if Hashem chose my home for me. The house is surrounded by beautiful adult trees, which I had always wanted, but the instant that I walked into the house BANG, every door was extra wide; I'm in a wheelchair. Figure it out, that house was meant for ME. Many of my friends have gorgeous homes and I love that they do. They worked hard to be able to purchase what they wanted. I worked hard, too, but love what I've been given.
I was engaged to a man who was so jealous that when he could not reach me by phone, he would drive to my house to see what I was doing. I'll never forget the look on his face when I handed him his dog collar (engagement ring) back.
I have been blessed by never knowing what jealousy is; it simply has never entered my thoughts. I am HAPPY when people succeed. I figure that they worked for what they got, and even if they didn't work all that hard, I'm as excited for them as if I was the one who got the raise or not car or home... My parents passed that onto me. They were thrilled when someone they knew acquired what they wanted. It rubbed off on my brother and me. Neither of us care what other people have, we're happy and content with what we have.
When the previous administration collapsed our economy, my life's savings were destroyed and all I'm left with is my social security. If you don't think I'm grateful for having THAT, you don't know me. The money that was lost is gone, I can't get it back, so why kvetch about it? Gratitude for what one has is the cure for jealousy or mourning what is lost.
I've recently been diagnosed with a potentially fatal disease; I've not met anyone who is jealous of my problem. Can or will it be cured? That is not mine to decide; Hashem is in charge, so I don't even spend a second of time worrying about something that is not up to me. Trust Hashem and relax.

Sarah,
February 12, 2012 6:46 AM

May it be His will that you be granted full recovery! And may your oulook on life always be an inspiration to others!

(8)
Rena S.,
February 9, 2012 4:27 AM

I really found this article helpful, by making the connection between the first and last dibrot. Keeping the first in mind is an antidote to jealousy. And I agree that our values influence the younger generation. (Shira, when you were a junior high school and high school student, you learned with my husband, Murray, in Riverdale. It is with great pleasure that I read this article. I look forward to reading more. Kol bracha!

(7)
Anonymous,
February 8, 2012 1:38 PM

Jealousy evoking lust

First and foremost, I am seeking outside help, psychologcally for this most uncomfortable feeling and urge. I was pleased to see this article as I look for direction to ease this angst. I am an unmarried divorced woman. There has only been one man although intermittently for 31 years. As a result of his work on himself, I have noted a serious feeling of a shift in our relationship. He is feeling more centered, hence not as needy or dependant on my attention. Although deeply embarrassed to write this publically, I have experienced a level of jealousy I have never been had.
Is there a compassionate Rebbetzin I can share directly with regarding this sad state of affairs? Thanking you in advance for your kindness.

(6)
Rachel,
February 8, 2012 12:07 AM

I thought the point was not the verb "covet" but the to whom it belonged

It seems to me that the point is to not want something because it rightfully belongs uniquely to someone else. The Torah doesn't say "don't covet the ox-breeder's ox" (or to put in modern terms, "don't covet the Lexus dealer''s autos, nor Bloomindale's clothing".) Things that are available for sale we can acquire if we legitimately have the money, the space, the license, etc.
Even in interpersonal relationships, the problem is desire for another's wife, not desire that may be legitimate (leading to a shidduch with your neighbor's unmarried sister, for example.)
And I have to say that today, the "peasant" may well desire the princess. Whether it's Prince William marrying Miss Middleton the party-planner's daughter (yes, I know they're rich, but they're not royal) to the idea that we're a classless society, to the encouraging of fantasies about marrying movie stars (and lets remember, girls have always been encouraged to dream about their "prince"). While human nature doesn't change, cultures do. It's not helpful to use an old fable when it doesn't apply to modern circumstances.

Anonymous,
February 9, 2012 11:49 AM

Old fables value

Timeless values can be subtly expressed and the point missed if subjective views skew the issue. The peasant fable is focused on narrow minded points of view that limit effectiveness and utilization of potential. The cultural circumstances are insignificant, timeless psychological constraints do apply from this story and border on illicit worship to negativity and impossibilities. Please try to get beyond modern cultures influence and understand timeless principals referred to by our sages.

(5)
Moshe,
February 7, 2012 6:20 PM

In the first paragraph in your article you qouted the sixth Commandment as “You shall not kill”, where the actual and original Commandment is: "You shall not murder".
There's a big difference between 'murder' and 'kill' even though both actions end up with the same horrible results. When a word is translated from the original language to other languages it should retain it's original meaning. Please let me know your feeling about it. Thanks!

(4)
ruth housman,
February 7, 2012 5:25 PM

drawing the Green Line

Envy is an insidious outsider, and we all at times, feel we want more. And sometimes it could be, that the object of our desires is so beautiful, we love it, and I think this kind of love, of ownership, is fine. Because without this we wouldn't support our Creativity, the artists among us, the musicians, the dancers, all aspects of art. It could be said, that what makes it all worthwhile is that symphony at the end of the day, that piece of paper a child gives us that is a drawing or Valentine.
In envy there are different kinds, different ways to see this.
And it could be, and I think this is very true, we're all on a journey, and what we perceive as we go through life, should and often does differntiate for us what is and is not important. Those we love who fall down, well meaning is derived from helping them, from the notion and act of, tikkun itself. It's a learning curve for us all. You can explicate this endlessly, but somehow the individual takes a journey and that journey brings him or her home to that place of heart, and that what is valuable in this "mine" field is just this, hands holding hands, being together, feeling family, and all those smiles of a summer's night.

(3)
Margie,
February 7, 2012 3:43 PM

Well said!

Wow i was sharing something to this effect this morning with some of my co-workers and this puts the period to the end. Thank you so much for this it has truly made it clearer and im always willing to learn more. Blessings to you.

(2)
Anonymous,
February 7, 2012 6:27 AM

But what if...

But what if we covet another person's life purpose in life? Other people's life purposes can sometimes seem so much more fun or easier than ours! :P I guess that comes down to what is realistic - we will never be given someone else's life purpose, so we shouldn't bother coveting it. But coveting something isn't always rational.

Leah,
February 8, 2012 2:21 AM

yes, anonyous, it sounds like you answered your own question. yes, it is difficult sometimes when we see others with a particular place inlife and want that , but if you think about it it's like acheiving a c where a person who follows his own path could potentially acheive an A .
Kudos to you!

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!