Lately I have been thinking of what makes a conversation easier between two people. I came to realize that if people don’t meet each other in a shared emotional intersection, they might not be able to be present to one another. What makes two people present to each other is crucial in conversation. People need to be in a same/similar/familiar emotional space to be able to talk to one another in a more effective and understanding way.

Practice of ‘Check- In’ would bring people together to experience emotional connection. It would invite people to join in a shared emotional space. Practice of ‘Check- In’ is a practice of self-disclosure; it is a practice that allows the other person to get to know one’s emotional space; it is an invitation to inform others about one’s state of mind and emotions. People become more in tune with each other’s particular emotional mental and relational states. People experience connecting with one another in a more leveled equal and transparent way.

Practice of ‘Check- In’ also provides an opportunity to join in having dialogues to address much broader issues such as organizational social and political matters. This practice would allow people to defuse visible and invisible conflicts and become more aware of each other’s vulnerabilities.

Have you tried the practice ‘Check-in’ in your conversations with your friends, family members or employees?

We wish to be in a relationship that is equitable, fair and honest. Our desire is to be involved and nurtured in a relationship that feeds our soul, mind and body.

Relationships we have with others are invaluable and influential. Relationships with our partners, employers, colleagues, family members, children, school staff, neighbours, and so on are essential in our livelihood. Relationships form our identity and our understanding of ourselves and others.

We are often curious to know why sometimes it is difficult to find a relationship that nurtures us the way we deserve. We often wonder why it is not easy to form relationships without any external influences. We are often interested in learning more about those who are happy with their relationships with others. We want to know what works, what doesn’t, why some have it and some don’t.

Historically, everything seems to be geared to individuals. Success or failure of relationships has been an individual’s responsibility. We all may remember a statement that was said to us: ‘it is your fault if your relationships with others don’t work’.

I would like to challenge this attitude and mentality towards individuals and shed light on some hidden factors and conditions that influence our relationships with others in society. I am not convinced that an individual -based answer to a complex question such as relationship is accurately reflective of all domains involved in relationship.

I suggest that we begin to pay attention to what contributes to so- called ‘failure or success’ in relationship; what makes it work and what prevents it from working; what internal and external factors intervene to one’s interactions with others.

I would like to name and categorize all of those factors and conditions as ‘POWER/ PRIVILEGES”.

Yes, I am aware of many definitions of power and privileges . To illustrate this, i would like you to take a test. Have you done ‘the Power Flower’ test? Here is the link to do the test. Please return to this page to continue reflecting on this theme.

Thanks for doing the test. Here are some questions that i would like you to think and reflect on:

What was it like for you to do the test?

What did you notice?

How many petals did you collect that were in Yellow and how many were in Blue?

Count your petals in each colour. If you have more Blue petals, it means that your ‘power and privileges’ are recognized in society. If you have more Yellow Petals, it means your ‘power and privileges’ may not be recognized in society as much.

Having this information in mind, I would like you to imagine yourself entering in a relationship; it could be a work related, romance related, or professional related relationship. Knowing the fact that you have or have not shared the same power and privileges as the other person, pay attention to how you interact with the other person.

Would this knowledge change your interaction with the other person? How so?

How do you position yourself in a relationship when interacting with a person who has less or more power/privileges in society?

Does this knowledge affect your expectations from the other person? How so?

What do you need to be mindful of when interacting with a person with less or more privileges/power than you?

What difference do you think this knowledge make in your future relationships with others?

Wish you create conditions for yourself and others to have an equitable, fair and honest relationship with you!

Hope you engage in relationships that nurture your soul, mind and body!

What usually couples, consulting with me, share in therapy sessions is about their concerns for their partners and/or themselves in intimate relationships; for instance, one party sees a drastic change in another party; or one party sees disconnection and lack of participation of one party in relationship; or one party realizes their relationship has gone off- track and etc.

What causes couples to experience ‘disconnection’ in their intimate relationships varies and depends on their understanding and agreement on relational principles; the principles that made them connected and related to each other once.

A couple relationship is a relationship between two persons who agree on certain principles, usually based on relational values/ethics, to stay and possibly live together to form a family. This is a mutual contract and is valid as long as two parties are committed to supporting and maintaining their agreement.

Couples, who plan to live together or have lived together for a long period of time, sometimes face difficulties in sticking to their relational principles for many various reasons. Difficulty in internalizing relational principles goes back to what parents, educators and society as a whole has taught both parties when they are very young.

The relational principles may vary from one relationship to another and they may be introduced to every relationship differently. However, the core principles seem to be the same in every relationship; everyone wants to be treated fairly and respectfully; and everyone wants for his/her relational life what brings comfort, joy, connection and closeness to intimate relationships.

Every person walks into an intimate relationship with her/his own life experiences. No one requires having any particular education or a degree before entering into intimate relationships. We learn and understand more about our own personal ethics and our relational principles as we experience relationships/ life. It seems that the richness of life depends on the quality of relationships we are in. Relationships have significant impact on our identities.

Couples are, sometimes, caught into the pattern of “I–It” (Martin Buber, 1979) relationship and connect with one another as objects. Couples may be convinced through external forces to shape their intimate relationships based on viewing each other as ‘It’ and relating to each other as a means to their own personal ends. When individuals are objectified in intimate relationships, the quality of relationship is reduced due to the objectification of persons. The major problem with this pattern of connection is the absence of “You”; the absence of the other party as a person, as a being.

At a different state, couples realize that their relationship is not fulfilling; they are not seen as valued beings; they feel loss even though they are, physically, present in relationships; they become insensitive and indifferent to each other’s presence; and their worlds become apart and disconnected. When one is not cared or loved for who he/she is but for means that brings to relationship, when his/her beings is not valued as a person but for means that provides in relationship, an intimate relationship is about to go sour and collapse.

Relationships collapse when couples are trapped into the pattern of “I-It”. “I- It” based relationships don’t have a capacity to last and fulfill relational needs of parties; it serves couples temporarily. When couples are not satisfied, they tend to search for another It. Affair, abuse, addictions, etc are signs of disconnection from one’s own values/principles.

The pattern of “I-It” perpetuates and maintains itself in people’s life by convincing couples to replace one “It” with another one; it prevents couples from taking initiatives to dismantle the pattern of “I- It”. Becoming free from the pattern of “I-It” is not easy due to its history in one’s life; it requires reconnecting to one’s ethics, revising relational ethics and adapting a broader perspective that includes ‘the other’ as a being in one’s life.

In my sessions with couples, I engage couples to think and talk about their relational principles and support them to form patterns of “I-You” in intimate relationships. We explore what constitutes and supports the pattern of “I-It” in their lives and discover ways of reconnecting with personal ethics to build a foundation for relational principles in intimate relationships.

If you know couples who want to unwrap themselves from the pattern of “I-It”, please feel free to pass them on my information. For further information visit my website: http://www.taherehbarati.com

As a family therapist, I am interested in inviting and involving men to counselling sessions. I believe that men have a lot to say about their relationships with their partners and children. What has prevented them from being more active and participant in their family life perhaps has to do with social, cultural and historical realities and/or myths that affected men for many centuries.

I am going to share with you one of the important contributing factors that influence family members’ interactions and relationships with one another. This particular fact is ‘not growing up with a particular male figure like a father’.

Children with any family backgrounds (social and economic status, race, religion, culture, sexual orientation and ethnic backgrounds) are at risk of experiencing living and growing up without fathers. The important role of fathers in children’s life need to be more pronounced.

It is said our today men used to be fragile sensitive young boys. Men used to be young boys who lived in family and possibly experienced hardship, abuse, and disconnection. ‘Growing up without fathers’ has significant impact on young boys’ identity as a person.

Some families with children, who seek counselling, are concerned about their children’s emotional and behavioural and social wellbeing. When we talk about children’s difficulties, we often realize that parents’ personal and emotional difficulties play an important role on children’ social and emotional problems.

It is clear that the wellbeing of children is linked to the wellbeing of their parents; particularly, when children are young. Creating a safe and trusting environment for ‘fathers without fathers’ to speak about their experiences of hardship and difficulties is a key to supporting ‘fathers without fathers’ to re-connect with themselves and their children.

In our counselling sessions, ‘fathers without fathers’ shared the effects of dominant cultural myths/expectations on men and their roles in family. They expressed their experiences of disconnection, pressure, and confusion around their roles in relationships with other men as well as with women and children.

Men who shared their wisdom and challenges in our sessions were very enthusiastic about their part in changing the dominant cultural beliefs about men. They felt that initiating conversations in a safe environment is the first step to tackle this social problem. They expressed their willingness to support other men to become more comfortable with sharing and addressing their emotional social problems.

Their wisdom and knowledge were noted during our conversations. I got their permission to share with you some of their ideas that generated in our conversations. They are as follows:

▪ We, men, collectively need to challenge ‘superhero’ ideas about the role of men in family and adjust our expectations to make them more realistic and collaborative

▪ We, as a community of men, need to get together and dissect the dominant discourses about manhood which are supported by social and cultural beliefs

▪ We, men, need to encourage each other to work with our partners and utilize each other’s strengths instead of perpetuating male domination discourse.

▪ We, as a community, need to fund programs that address what ‘fathers without fathers’ experienced in the past, that support men to develop new relationships with themselves and others, and shape their identity as a person.

We, men, are hopeful that our actions be beneficial to our children and make them more connected to themselves, their family members and their communities.

‘Single mothers’ experience significant difficulties with raising their children alone, living without partners, and supporting their family financially, and so on. Here is the story of a single mother, Sue, who points out social problems that led to her current status in society as a single parent.

Sue came to my office to talk about the ‘stress’ that she had been experiencing for a few years. She talked about the responsibility of taking care of two children, 7 and 11, her full time job responsibility, and isolation as contributing factors to the ‘stress’. She felt it was very difficult to take care of and fulfill all the responsibilities alone.

Despite the reasons that lead to ‘single parenting’, we all know that ‘single parenting’ is not a desirable status for anyone in family; everyone in the family is affected by this phenomenon. For instance, children may grow up without fathers, mothers may take many responsibilities to fulfill family obligations; and fathers may experience further isolation and disconnection from their families and loved ones.

Sue shared the effects of ‘stress’ on her as a mother and as a person. She named the major source of ‘stress’ as the following: her responsibilities and family obligations, children’s lives and their education and their future. These have been significantly overwhelming to her. She was proud of herself to be able to provide a safe and violence- free environment for her children but she felt overwhelmed and exhausted by all responsibilities.

In one of our sessions, she questioned what society has been doing for men to address their personal concerns. We talked about the barriers for men to get help. We reviewed and reflected on the historical, cultural and social reasons that prevented men for many decades to avoid expressing themselves. We discussed the presence of invisible pressures, abuse and violence in young boys’ life and their effects on their adulthood.

Sue was very concerned about raising her two sons without father; she was afraid of the negative effects of not having any particular male figure in their lives.

We explored some pragmatic practical solutions to address her children’s needs. However, we acknowledged that she was voicing a very important concern in our society and her problems weren’t only hers. Those concerns are, as a matter of fact, our social problems. She said her dream is to increase social awareness and address this predicament socially.

I would like to share with you some ideas that we explored in our meetings as possible ways of preventing the expansion of ‘single parenting’ in our society. They are as follows:

▪ De-stigmatize and encourage men to ask for help when needed

▪ Support men to repair and develop ‘trust’ in their intimate relationships

▪ Support ‘fathers without father’ and assist them with their personal social concerns

▪ Promote non- patriarchal ways of connecting with women

▪ Discussion on equality and its impact on relationships between men and women

▪ Promote both genders to learn how to respond to one another in a non- confrontational and non- aggressive ways

▪ Support both genders resolve conflicts/ disagreements peacefuly

▪ Increase both genders’ understanding of their personal power and ethics

▪ and more …

Please share if you have some ideas in this regrad.

Hope to create a new pathway to healthy, connecting and trusting relationships!