11. (Australian) Pipers Piping (up that we kidnap and brainwash folks in Australia).

10. (Same-sex married) Gay Warlords a-Time Warp Leaping.

9. Ladies Cruisin' (and none of them Katie Holmes, who is NOT leaving Tom because of his religious views, but because he has an obsession with his body. Mind you, I have an obsession with Katie's body…but I digress…).

8. Maids a-Milkin' (all of our Church Members for as much cash as we can get).

7. Heads a-Swimming (from being forced to read every last bloody one of L. Ron Hubbard's collected 'Stories From The Golden Age').

6. Hollywood Turkeys a-Laying (the Golden Egg, over and over and over again…).

5. Golden Ringtones (for the iPods Xenu is now giving all his followers so that we are no longer confused about his real message).

4. Calling Birds (Xenu Tweet-Tweeting on those bloody iPods).

3. French Pens (I mean…Penitentiaries).

2. Travolting (Old) Dogs (Ok. Shoot me. I ran out of ideas).

And A Cartridge In A Shotgun…"

[Merry Xenu-mas and a Dianetic New Year. Right. I'm off to have a shower now…]