Today: Wonderful, awesome, GREAT new day

Last night, it was killing me, as you can see from my previous post. Physics – torque and spinning wheels – were killing me. Rural VA was killing me. Overeager MSNBC people whose maps did not match the AP maps were killing me.

My blood pressure was high, and I am embarrassed to say that I almost puked!

And then:

They called Pennsylvania for Obama in big, 48-point font on the screen.

And then: I got into the car, and NPR called Ohio for Obama in calm, banal voices that only NPR can muster in the midst of such thrill.

And then I thought to myself, “Breathe, Rachel. 538.com has the odds at 0% for McCain to win if he loses OH and PA. Virginia DOESN’T EVEN MATTER! All will be right in the world. And also? You are a huge dork!!”

And I watched about an hour of coverage and…I am so embarassed to say…fell asleep!!! (OK, I forgot to mention the beer that DB forced into my hand as part of the make-Rachel-less-insane intervention, and also? how I was very confident that yes, yes, yes!!! We did it!!!!!!! I only got through the neck of the beer though – it doesn’t take much.)

So I missed everything I wanted to watch last night – how sad is that?!? DB DVRed it all for me, though, after trying desperately to wake me.

I think I wasn’t sleeping all that well in the run-up to the election.

But I will say – in the midst of physics lecture, I was emailing a friend back and forth (the friend I referenced in the earlier post – the one who inconceivably voted for the Dark Side) (are you getting the picture yet that physics lecture was the least productive lecture…ever?) (I had a whole fan base behind me – I set the laptop on one of those seat-desks in the auditorium and there were probably 15 people fanned out behind me, watching the returns on my computer – I made sure to have a good selection going for them) – ok, where was I? Yes: my friend sent me this. In the height of my hysteria over Virginia, I decided I would post it if McP won, and now I am going to post it anyway ’cause it’s really funny. I think it’s circulating the web now (or was yesterday, at least).

To change! America is coming back, my friends! 🙂 (Although as a side note: did anyone check out the incredible ballot initiatives across the country? Although “change” won out on the presidential election, a lot of hate apparently made it through, too. So although my elation is uncontrolled for my president and my own state ballot initiatives, I am more than disconcerted about what is going on elsewhere.)

So on that note: the forward.

Dear Red States:

If you manage to steal this election too we’ve decided we’re leaving.
We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue
States with us. In case you aren’t aware, that includes California,
Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois
and the entire Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to
the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New
California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of
Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get
WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss. We get 85% of America’s
venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds
of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair
share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian
Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of
single moms. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice
and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq
at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have
kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no
purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their
children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and
hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our
resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the
country’s fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92%
of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95% of America’s quality wines, 90% of
all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and
soybeans (thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living
redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools
plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88%
of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of
all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the
hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all
televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the
University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you. Additionally, 38% of those
in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62%
believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the war, the death
penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that
Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you
are people with higher morals then we lefties.