Description: Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at www.brianlisi.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Hasbro announced that a cat will be the newest Monopoly game piece. "A cat owning a house, what is this nonsense?" said a car that has been sent to jail.

The Boy Scouts say they will wait until May to make their decision on allowing gay members. Because when it comes to treating people as if they're human beings, you don't want to rush anything.

The U.S. Postal Service announced that they will be cutting Saturday delivery services. However, they assured customers they will promptly receive all torn up magazines and opened envelopes the following Monday.

Apparently the greeting card industry is fighting the reduction in delivery service. Setting up for quite a battle since they did create 90 percent of all holidays.

On the topic of gun control, Bruce Willis said, “If you take one out or change one law, then why wouldn’t they take all your rights away from you?” Which sounds paranoid until you remember how quickly Ashton Kutcher took away his Demi Moore.

On Wednesday, the New York Times revealed that the U.S. has a drone base in Saudi Arabia. Not to be outdone, Mad magazine revealed the U.S. has a moan base in Bawdi Alabia.

A 9-year-old girl has given birth in Mexico. The father was so happy he made a really tall stack of blocks.

Karl Rove's super PAC launched an ad attacking actress Ashley Judd, who may be considering running for U.S. Senate. The ad ends with the standard message "This message paid for by WHY WON'T YOU GO OUT WITH ME, ASHLEY? WE'D BE PERFECT TOGETHER!"

The world's largest prime number has been discovered, featuring 17,425,170 digits. Mathematicians say they haven't seen something that impressively not divisible since Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson's marriage.

New studies suggest that a safe amount of caffeine for an adult is about three 8 ounce cups of coffee. However, other studies suggest that will only leave you tired, a perfect target for white guys looking facetious next to a clock.