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“Man that is born of a woman is of few days and full of trouble” – Job 14:1

The Passenger in the Box - The Perfect Solution to Profiling for Terrorists at the Airport“Flying the Friendly Skies”
By Scott Rohter, February 2011

Everybody in the government is saying that we can’t profile for terrorists at the airport. Well the other day, I heard the perfect solution to the problem of profiling. But first let me say that I don’t have a problem with profiling for terrorists! While it is certainly true, that not all Muslims are terrorists, it is also just as true that most terrorists are Muslims, … so I don’t have a problem with singling out certain Muslims or “middle eastern types” for a little extra scrutiny at the airport. Under the circumstances, it is perfect logically, and I don’t even care if it directly inconveniences me. I have some middle eastern roots too. If we go back far enough we might surprised to find out that we all have some middle eastern roots, if you know what I mean!

But getting back to my story. The other day I heard the perfect solution to the entire problem of profiling at the airport and as an added bonus it is 100% effective at catching terrorists before they commit any act of terrorism! It should also be approved by the Council on American Islamic Relations (CAIR) because it applies to everybody equally. No one has to get pulled aside or singled out for any special attention. It’s really very simple. Here’s how it works.

On the way to the airplane there is a “big black box.” It measures eight feet on all sides. The walls are made of thick solid steel. There are three doors into and out of the box. On one side there is a door, and the sign over the door reads, “All passengers, this way to boarding, Door # 1.” On the opposite end of the box there are two other doors. Over one door a sign reads, “This way to airplane, Door #3.” Over the other door a small sign reads, “This way to Allah and the 72 virgins, Door #2.”

Each person with a valid boarding pass enters the box, one at a time, through door #1 and a very polite TSA agent shuts and locks the door. Another TSA agent is standing off in the distance, about 100 feet away, and he is holding a little red button in his hand. After the door is locked, a signal is given, and the TSA agent standing off in the distance, pushes the little red button. If the passenger in the box had any explosives in their possession they are immediately detonated and after a few minutes door #2 opens and a hearse backs up to the door. An undertaker gets out and removes what’s left of the remains. The driver shouts “Allah Akbar” and the hearse drives away!

If on the other hand the TSA agent pushes the button and no explosion occurs, then door #3 opens and a new sign comes down from above that reads, “Approved for boarding. This way to airplane. Have a safe trip. Please exit the box.” The passenger then eagerly walks out of the other end of the box through door #3, ready to board the plane.

After the passenger exits the box, all the doors are closed once again, and the friendly TSA agent standing nearby says only three words. These three little words are the key to solving the entire problem of profiling. They are, “Next person please!”…that’s really all it would take to make airline travel safe! We could all be flying the friendly skies once again! We wouldn’t need to be pulled aside anymore and ordered to remove our shoes and take our clothes off, and to pose for very revealing photos, groped or fondled, and subjected to repeated radiation just in order to fly.

"The truth, the political truth, and nothing but the political truth.
A journalist has no better friend than the truth." - Scott Rohter