Five Unforgiveable Flagrant Friendship Fouls

No one is perfect. We have all, at one time or another, f&cked up as friends. But the following five, in my opinion, warrant immediate termination before further damage is caused. And the top two are why I have no sympathy for Denise Richards.
The Ex Mack
Macking on a friend"s ex is so totally OFF SIDE, such an extreme violation, it"s not even worth the courtesy of a break up phone call. Anyone who pulls an "Ex Mack" deserves the worst. And I"m not talking about dating a guy you used to see in high school. I"m talking about serious boyfriends and HUSBANDS. Under these circumstances…You.Just.Don"t.Deal. Period. Those men are off limits FOREVER. But to go ahead without a blessing??? That, my friends, is like guillotine territory. And wouldn"t you know it, Denise Richards is guilty of both.
The Open Mouth
True girls" girls don"t turn on each other. We keep secrets. And even when we don"t agree with such secrets, we don"t f&ckin" take the disagreement out in the open and go Oprah on the friendship. Let"s say, for example, you"re 31, single, and your so called confidante takes you out on a double with her man and his friend. The guy is attractive, he"s charming, he"s a tad younger, he"s articulate, he loves hockey, and he"s really into flyfishing. You on the other hand don"t know sh*t about flyfishing. But you play along. You nod, you drop the appropriate "I know! I hate when that happens!", he buys into it, things are going well... And all of a sudden - your girl pipes in and calls you out, "You flyfish? I never knew that!"
Later on, after the awkward silence, the subject of age comes up. You deftly skirt the issue but again, this bitch sells you out and turns the conversation to you - "I heard your 30s are the most fun. What do you think, Lainey - aren"t you having a blast in your 30s?" And these are just small examples... never mind the big issues.
This is not a friend. This is someone who doesn"t know the game and who cannot bear to see you happy. This girl will not guard your vault. She, like Denise, will not hesitate to expose your soul if and when it makes her look better. Totally off side and totally not worthy of friendship.
The White Move
There should only be one person wearing white at a wedding and that is the bride. If you"re getting married and some girl you know shows up in your colour - you need to cut that sh*t off asap. These are the same girls who will pull the Ex Mack and the Open Mouth.
The only exceptions to this rule are your Aunt Mabel, who doesn"t know better, and on those rare occasions - like my cousin Cat"s awesome Dominican wedding bash - where it is requested that EVERYONE wear white…because the beach pictures are absolute gorgessity.
Otherwise, the white move belies a black heart. Be warned.
The Competitive Comparison
A true friend will tell you when you don"t look good. She"ll break it to you in a delicate way like - "hmmmm…it"s not my favourite look on you. How about that black dress - you"d look HOT in that black dress."
A true friend will do this because she truly cares. She would never want to send you out to the wolves at less than your best. A true friend is your most critical and honest eye, your most ardent supporter, your biggest fan. This is why I"m convinced Lindsay Lohan has no friends. Otherwise, she wouldn"t keep leaving her house with dirty face. But I digress.
There are however some girls who are so conniving and so self serving they would consciously allow you to look like ass because by extension it makes them look that much better. These are the Paris Hiltons of the world who cannot stand to share the spotlight, who repeatedly dish out competitive lies - even to their siblings (hello Nicky Hilton???) - just to make sure all eyes are on them. These girls spell danger with a capital whore. Steer clear.
And finally… perhaps an interchangeable flagrant foul based on personal experience but #5 nonetheless...
The Lie & Bail
Bailing for a guy is understandable. It happens to the best of us. Bailing for months at a time is ok too…because if you are true friends, you"ll eventually come back. Besides, you might bail on drinks or the movies but you wouldn"t bail on a special occasion, right??? And you wouldn"t resort to CIA-level phone maneuvers to lie about it, would you?
True story. We had a friend. A close friend. She moved in with a guy. We saw her less and less. We talked to her less and less. And to get around calling us, she would access the voice messaging system and leave us messages through the system instead of ringing the house directly, just so we wouldn"t pick up the phone, so she wouldn"t have to talk to us. Because then she could "say" she"d been in touch, without having to spare the 10 minutes it takes to catch up with someone. Obviously, when we tried to return her "call" she"d screen and not pick up. Pretty classy, non?
But here"s the best. She was invited to best friend"s wedding, even though none of us had seen her in over a year. Or talked to her. Nothing. Three days before the wedding, to make amends, she gets together with the bride for a tearful discussion and apology. She promised to try to get better. On the day of the wedding, she"s a no show. She bailed. ON A WEDDING! And her excuse was a flat tire. Because taxis don"t exist in Canada.
Anyway, beware the classic Lie & Bail. It"s indicative of someone who cannot be trusted. Who will not save you in a pinch. Who is too busy sorting out the insecure mess in her own head to be a good friend. And given that these can be considered cumulative offences, it would not surprise me if Denise Richards, at one time or another, has perpetrated all 5.
Team Sheen/Locklear indeed.