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Lucky writing pants

Here’s a thought. Do successful writers have rituals and routines like successful daters? Do they have “Rules of The Game” for getting published? How about “He’s Just Not That Into Your Manuscript”?

I love it when the internet mis-matches stuff for me. I started getting the ads aimed at guys on one of my dating sites. It’s awesome. I am gagging to paste what one of them said as advice to guys, and there are some REALLY quite important comebacks to be made on the claims it lists… But I’m trying to be understated and professional here, on the offchance that real live romantic-comedy fiction will take over from independent hit-men and zombies. Er, I meant, I’m trying to be dignified and mysterious in case another guy from a dating site Googles me and finds me ripping men’s dating advice to shreds. Or perhaps I meant, I might want to apply for another job one day, and am not supposed to have either opinions or a sense of humour. Or an online presence, in fact. Being here destroys all the mystery, doesn’t it?

Firstly, I recommend this to men: If you want to learn about women in a social environment, become a nightclub security guard. You’ll get paid to listen to loud music, hear people flirt, watch people fall over, and all the other stuff they do in between. You’ll learn a lot more about women that way, than you will by paying for NLP coaching and expensive seminars. You’ll also become a fashion critic. There’s nothing like hearing a bunch of door guys discussing what’s tasteful and what isn’t.

And don’t worry about your social skills. Some of the best door staff are a bit OCD. Especially with remembering faces, or verbatim conversation recall. You also get a decent social life out of it. Some women may even throw themselves at you on your first night. Just make sure she’s not leaking bodily fluids, or wearing a wedding ring.

Now, without pasting what I’m responding to, there are a few types of women to watch out for in nightclub-land:

The Sperm-Jacker: Don’t let her buy you a drink, hold your drink, or taste your drink. Don’t let her supply the contraceptive, either, unless you like them pre-perforated. Can be spotted looking as though she has a DNA-shopping list in her purse, sidling up to taller men and twirling her hair, talking about how flexible she is, and how she can eat what she likes without getting fat. Yet. THIS IS WHY MEN ARE MEANT TO PAY FOR DRINKS. So they are aware of how much they’ve had to drink, how drunk their date is, and won’t have to pay for it later. Like, for the next eighteen years.

The Collector: This lady has one in every bar, and often one (or two) in every team. One DJ, one doorman, one security guy (preferably head door), one barman, and one manager. She’ll rotate which ones are her therapists and which are her bed-buddies depending on the time of the month. Has a different look in her wardrobe for each team she’s currently working – slutty for the door guys, classy for the managers, student boho for the bar boys… Now, if your current lady-target appears to have a fashion identity crisis, and gives out her number and email willy-nilly, it’s likely that you’ll be sharing that nilly with a lot of other willy, to put it bluntly.

The Dancer: Turns up early, often alone, and is first on the dancefloor, usually wearing the same outfit every weekend. This is her Lucky Outfit. It worked once, and she’s going to keep it on until it’s replaced by a big white dress and veil. Does not have a lot of original conversation, because she’s wary of straying from that one lucky combo that worked the first time. You might want to watch out that she’s not some stalker, holding out for the return of the lucky Prince Charming. You don’t want to be next.

On the subject of talking to women: Don’t open negotiations with blackmail, unless you want to live the rest of your life fighting it. Saying that you could buy a woman in another country for the cost of her bar tab, is not the same as actually buying a woman in another country, and then paying the medical bills for the remainder of your life. Or serving the time in prison for slavery. If that’s the kind of man you are, stay away from the bar. Also, suggesting that she owes you a two-hour massage in return for drinks is the equivalent of kerb-crawling, and soliciting in the premises is illegal under licensing laws… not to mention that having been a holistic therapist, most men are stone-cold unconscious after two minutes of aromatherapy, so don’t demand this unless what you really want is a cure for insomnia and relief from work-related back injury. Or, if you are worried where your wallet and keys might have gone after you wake up.

Don’t forget – if you’re nice to women, and generally treat them better than other men in their lives have treated them – and clarified that there’s also physical attraction between you – then they’ll be nice to you. Nature takes its course. Apparently, there’s a man around who buys his wife a pair of expensive shoes after every time he calls for a lift home from the club… You can be damn sure he gets his lift.