Category Archives: Jokes

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Theresa May will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female…… Any part under a car’s hood
Male ….. The hook fastener on a woman’s bra strap
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female …. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another
Male ….. Playing cricket without a box

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-m

oo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female … The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner
Male … Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female ….. A desire to get married and raise a family
Male …… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female …. A good movie, concert, play or book
Male …… Anything that can be done while drinking beer
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female …. An embarrassing by-product of indigestion
Male …… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female …… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve
Male …… Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female ……A device for changing from one TV channel to another
Male …… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes

Scientists at CERN in Geneva have announced the discovery of the HEAVIEST element yet known to science!

AND yes . . . . . it was discovered in South Africa

The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other by-products are produced.

“For better digestion I drink beer, in the case of appetite loss I drink white wine, in the case of low blood pressure I drink red wine, in the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch, and when I have a cold I drink schnapps.”

‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl.’
The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano?’
‘Yes, Father, it is.’
‘And who was the girl you were with?’
‘I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation.’
‘Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?’
‘I cannot say.’
‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’
‘I’ll never tell.’
‘Was it Nina Capelli?’
‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’
‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’
‘My lips are sealed.’
‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?’
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’
The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.’

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’