mark hamill is a nice guy I would really like to be friends with Mark Hamill and maybe spend a few weekends watching his dogs when he's not at his Malibu home and maybe seeing what I could sell on ebay using his wifi and maybe borrowing money. I'm like the Billy Carter/Roger Clinton Jr. of my family. Except for the drunken, alcoholic slob part.

"The evidence is overwhelming: More guns mean more deaths. In the United States, which has more guns in the hands of civilians than does any other developed country, gun-related deaths per 100,000 inhabitants vastly exceed the level in those countries. Meanwhile, countries such as Britain and Japan have small numbers of guns in private hands and very few gun-related deaths. Between 2001 and 2013, domestic gun violence killed more people in the United States than AIDS, illegal drug overdoses, wars and terrorism combined."

For the time being, blogging on a blog no one reads will be extremely limited due to the constraints imposed by editing a book no one will read. And limitations imposed by time and space. Virtual isn't free, you know.

A freight car loaded with would-be brides for the Republican Party paused before bright lights and cameras last night. Much assent was heard from the crowd as each marketed himself as the heir to Reagan's throne. Some sold themselves as willing to order others to kill with utter ruthlessness; others, as byproducts of hyper-efficient Darwinian free markets which weed out the weak, frail and sickly, leaving only the most pompous and bloated of windbags alive. Others said basically the same thing but tried to appear reasonable about how many would be slaughtered in the name of freedom. After what felt like an eternity, the small herd was packed into the freight car, and the circus traveled to yet another town, to amuse the adults and delight the children with their antics and promises to rain death from above on anyone who screws with our great nation...and so on and so on, till the final day of selection arrives.#GOP #2016 #BeAfraidBeVeryAfraid

In the name of continuing my attacks on Hillary because I am a one-man army with a keyboard, (#DifferenceMaker) (#StateOfPerpetualDissatisfaction) (#ProbablyFullOfIt), I will post this photo of a table of a their respective records on important issues.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Within Current Democratic front-runner because everyone knows her name, Hillary Clinton, has reported that the odor of Bernie Sanders blood permeated the debate

One claimed to have heard her whisper fervently: "Thank you thank you thank you Paris!" After the debate, Hillary bought a dress made from a French flag, plastered "#parisattacks #willbombforvotes" on her Facebook page, and is now wearing a baguette on her head with a matching Gruyere cheese lapel pin.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

I can't believe it. I simply cannot believe it. After more than 3/4 of a century of trying to destroy Social Security, 1/2 of a century trying to destroy Medicare and 'peace with honor', 1/3 of a century of poverty-inducing Reagnomics and a 'war' on drugs that has created a permament under-class out of the existing under-class (though it did enhance freedom by giving creating a penal system the size and scope which would have been the envy of Josef Stalin), a decade-plus of fruitless wars in Asia including one in which we still can't extract ourselves even though the situation is obviously clearly hopeless because our 'allies' are so motivated to fight that they must flee in the opposite direction of the Taliban--we can only surmise that their plan is to circle around the globe and attack the Talibanners from behind, yes, they are that dedicated) and of course doing absolutely about climate change except making it arrive as quickly as possible so that our grandchildren will experience a global apocalypse even if can only catch a glimpse of it and doing nothing about firearms even when it happens right in a classroom full of middle-class white children and the dominance of our age by the new lords of finance...

...So aside from those--and about fifty thousand other exeptions which will not be mentioned due to considerations of time--the Republican Party has been doing a splendid job. Namely, of not aying what it really wants to do. But now our congressmen are actually telling the public what they want to do. This is rank incompetence. The job of putting a cheap coat of nice-looking paint over the inequality, wars, exploitation, corruption, and environmental catastrophe should be left to people like me. For example, I would say something like this:

By traditional definitions, conservatism stands for intellectual humility, a belief in steady, incremental change, a preference for reform rather than revolution, a respect for hierarchy, precedence, balance and order, and a tone of voice that is prudent, measured and responsible. Conservatives of this disposition can be dull, but they know how to nurture and run institutions. They also see the nation as one organic whole. Citizens may fall into different classes and political factions, but they are still joined by chains of affection that command ultimate loyalty and love. (http://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/13/opinion/the-republicans-incompetence-caucus.html)

You see, Republicans? After years of disaster in Iraq, I said it was just fine with me, because Shrubya had character. Sure, he spoke like an ox that was trying to learn English As A Second Language, and he projected himself as an insecure bully who knew that he owed his status in life and pretty much everything to his father's last name, and yes he showed poor judgement over and over and over...but Shrubya stayed the course. And as Rabbi Sienfeld once in his 17th century commentary, Humor in the Torah: How to Succeed While Really Laughing, "Never admitting you're wrong is the true mark of wisdom."

And thus it was with Shrubya, and so it shall be with Fiorina. Sure she's compltely full of shit, but so am I. And let's face it, I'd vote for Gengis Khan if he ran for president. Just as long as he promised to lower taxes on the people for whom I really work, and had an "(R)" after his name.

So please, please, Republican Congressmen, do your job, and let me do mine: Finding a way to defend everything you do--as long as it benefits me as well.

Monday, October 12, 2015

What makes Mr. Ryan so special? The answer, basically, is that he’s the
best con man they’ve got. His success in hoodwinking the news media and
self-proclaimed centrists in general is the basis of his stature within
his party. Unfortunately, at least from his point of view, it would be
hard to sustain the con game from the speaker’s chair.

Mind you, this is pretty much what everyone outside of the Tealandia or Washington D.C. already knows, but...

Remember the good old days when "myths" were something that came from Ancient Greece or Scandanavia or nasty little folk tales about witches and wolves from the Brothers Grimm? Well nowadays the turn-around time between "established fact" which becomes "disproven myth" is less than the time between your grandfather's bathroom visits. Kids these days...grumble grumble grumble...

But I digress, so onwards. With every rash of gun massacres (welcome to America bitch!) comes a rash of articles about what to do about it (generally, nothing), whom to blame (the mentally ill who persist in such activities as opening firearm factories, manufacturing firearms, the sale and distribution of aforesaid firearms, buying off and/or intimidating congressmen in order to sell more firearms and generally flooding the nation with as many guns as possible because that's how we solve problems such as school massacres), and of course, defining mental illness.

Which in the case of autism, appears to be just about anything.

Such
prejudice arises in part from confusion about autism, which manifests
in a multiplicity of symptoms, making generalizations difficult. Some
people with autism cannot easily guess what other people are thinking,
and therefore act without socially appropriate nuance. This perplexity
is often conflated, unfairly, with lack of emotional empathy or even
unkindness. Autistic people run the same gamut as other people: Some are
kinder than others. Some find social interaction extremely taxing;
others evince joy in trusted friends and family. Whatever anyone’s
particular constellation of symptoms may be, however, autism is not
associated with brutality. Failing to intuit certain aspects of other
people’s inner experience does not equate to disdain for human life (Myth of the Autistic Shooter,http://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/12/opinion/the-myth-of-the-autistic-shooter.html).

As someone with a background in social science (which could mean just about anything from digging up bits of pot shards to a Jungian veteranian), I've found this to be rather disturbing. What is, exactly, "autism"? Or is it simply that, as Aldous Huxley is supposed to have said, medicine has its own fads? I have to go with Huxley: Human nature being what it is, we all want to be cool and hip and down with the latest fashion. None of this, of course, has anything to do with firearm regulation: Expecting any human to have a reason to be angry, or sad, or happy, or unhappy, makes as much sense as expecting someone to have a reason to breathe or sleep or reproduce or feed of his little E. coli pals living in his small intestine: At some point someone will do something for no apparent whatsoever. The brain is just too complex to have one simple answer. #nowyouknow

Autism advocates and parents of kids with
honest-to-God cases of the disorder may say: OK, maybe ASDs have been
overdiagnosed. So what? There’s strength in numbers, and the publicity
has certainly raised autism awareness. The answer to that is: yes, but
at the cost of obscuring the actual condition.

On the one hand you’ve got people thinking Asperger's
syndrome is the mark of a future tech genius and thus nothing to worry
about; on the other hand, if there actually were an environmental cause
of autism, with so many false positives being reported we’d never know.
The biggest favor activists could do for the objects of their
benevolence is to make people understand: here are the signs you’ve got
an autism spectrum disorder, and, equally important, here are the signs
you don’t.

Hmmm, I just can't imagine what the problem could be. What could possibly allow a person to go on a massacre with a loaded firearm? (Hint: It's liberals or feminists or sluts or all of them combined...some liberal-feminist-man-slut who hates his own penis (thanks Obama) and doesn't want to be forced to gay marry (thanks Big Gay) or otherwise be a slave to Tyrannosaurus Obama, not to mention the filthy, filthy, depraved mainstream media which fills our society with consumerism and the urge to buy buy buy the newest meFone or whatever gadget they are pushing. PS: Buy buy buy, it's what keeps the economy going or we'll all be unemployed.)‪#‎mymorningrant‬‪#‎NRA‬‪#‎seriouslyWTFamerica‬

Thursday, October 1, 2015

A reader comments:"Afghanistan is a mostly rural nation with very low population densities. It does not possess the cultural, physical and social infrastructure of a modern nation. It is a bunch a of villages, loosely connected through tribal alliances, that live off the land. There are not large factories and industrial centers. There are not powerful institutions of higher learning. They barely have schools for kids.

The people are loyal to their family, their village, their tribe, and probably in that order. Our concept of central government is foreign to them. Our concept of nation is foreign to them. I have seen many news reports that reveal that the locals don't understand why American troops are even there.

We have imposed our Western ways upon them which the people have rejected. They don't want to fight in our war. They want to go back to their villages.

This does not excuse Taliban cruelty, but these questions must be asked. If we weren't fighting the Taliban, would the Taliban not be fighting against the villages? Do the Taliban wish to drive out the infidel Americans and our proxy puppets instead of killing villagers? Do the villagers really care if the Taliban rule?

We have no allies in the region, just nations that use us to further their own gains. The situation has always been hopeless for a military victory.

We should take a cue from the Afghan forces running away. There is nothing to stand and fight for. So they run. So should we."

Only if it's prostitution, pole-dancing, or a mud-wrestling pit near LAX. (So really it's just a question of what degree you're willing to degrade yourself for money.) (Caveat: Unless you're a sex slave, but we can't cover every contingency in this argument.)

This was Vietnam II waiting to happen, With Iraq being Vietnam III. Frankly both of these sequels sucked and I blame George Lucas--I hope he isn't directing the Vietnam IV. My god someone must be out there shopping a prequel around D.C. The horror, the horror.#Kunduz #Afghanistan #SuckFest #GeorgeLucasNY Times op-ed: The Many Failures In Afghanistan

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

And still another day without a single mention of Climate Interactive's latest study from National Republican Radio which was on the front page of New york times just yesterday, while playing chin music from the usual suspects about the big bad deficit which is going to kill us all, even as our planet continues to plunge headlong into catastrophe. But please, give airtime to and about trumpy--after all, unlike the rest of the GOP, he's not just 100% full of it, he's 1 million % full of it--he's a neutron star in a crock bucket--so of course attention must be paid, while continuing the media shut out of Bernie Sanders' campaign. But please, another Berghdazibola-server-gate story, it's clearly about all you right-wing hacks (mostly) at NPR can do. How dare you people pretend to serve the public interest. you're either disingenuous dissemblers or cowards posing as journalists. At least a president trump would put an end to this useless charade called 'NPR'. No, I take that back:NPR employees would knock each other over in a mad rush to serve as his propagandist-in-chief, while no doubt denouncing colleagues who stepped out of line (the latter suddenly disappearing, then reappearing in Gitmo Orange (it's the new autumn color for 2016 if the GOP wins big, cross your fingers NPR, your days of peonage may soon be over, and the lucky winner shall be Peon-in-Charge-of-Other-Peons.)

OR: 'P' IS FOR PRIVYObviously the company is getting its money's worth from these brilliant execs--the whole floating turd that is Blackberrry would have Titanic'd to the bottom by now if not for these (most likely under-compensated) men. We can only pray that once it does sink (which will be through no fault of their own, mind you) that they will still have wealthy friends and acquaintances on the boards of other corporations which desperately require their services. Please god give them all solid gold parachutes! (Or life boats/life-yachts, in this case.)

""Blackberry’s newest phone, the Priv, runs Android. That’s an unusual move for Blackberry; so unusual, in fact, that it’s confused poor CEO John Chen, who completely blew this exclusive first look at the Priv.

Highlights from the video — published by Business News Network — include Chen telling the interviewer how the phone “runs Google”, saying with a straight face that “everyone loves BB10”, and then getting lost trying to open Chrome. Oh, and apparently Priv stands for either privacy or privilege, whichever will get you to buy a Blackberry.

It’s not news that Blackberry’s execs are a little out of touch with reality, but this is an excellent three-minute reminder of quite how far the company has fallen."

Sunday, September 27, 2015

the baffling de-synchronization and astonishingly surreal resurrection of charlie kaufman's thesaurus
He will amaze you! Astound you! Enter one and all the absurd circus of Charlie Kaufman and [let me check my thesaurus] stare in stupefaction at the depressingly unpleasant funhouse that will be the latest in the line of critically acclaimed dreariness! Doesn't that sound terrific? Cough up $15.00 USD (add in your companion and popcorn with a diet Coke and you've just spent $50.00 bucks to be mildly bemused or severely oppressed by the imagination of a man whose mind is nearly as delightful as watching the ticking gears of a Swiss watch which has a Punch & Judy show going on inside of it. So if that's your idea of a good time, drop everything and head to the theater.)

I think Kaufman is bizarrely over-rated for reasons I can't begin to fathom. (Note: Pitch this idea to Charley Kaufman as a movie. Should somehow involve Kaufman being in the movie but played by a Kabuki puppet--and who can only communicate in High Elvish. Or maybe Old Saxon. The entire past of the universe is acted out with papier-mâché, and then into the future, which is represented as finger shadows on a map of Mercator projection map of planet earth. As Pangaea reforms eons hence, Kabuki Kaufman realizes he still does not know how to flirt with that waitress at the diner, but she's been dead for eons so he's not even sure why he still cares. Then the sun novas and wipes out all life on the planet. Fade to black. Now sit back and watch the accolades pour in.)

What is the difference between private-prep-school attending students versus the not-so-private? I'm not entirely certain, but I suspect, 'learning to be an expert social-climbing licker-of-asses' could account for well over 50% of the variance.

As a sociologist, I study this new diversity at elite colleges. I call lower-income undergraduates who graduated from private high schools the privileged poor. Although they receive excellent educations, my research shows that their ability to navigate the informal social rules that govern elite college life is what really gives them advantages relative to their lower-income peers who did not attend elite high schools, those whom I call the doubly disadvantaged. Although also academically gifted and driven, they enter college with less exposure to the unsaid expectations of elite academic settings. They adjust, but acclimating to the social side of academic life takes time, potentially limiting their access to institutional resources and social networks. Naturally, this framework does not encompass every student, but it does help to explain why students from similarly disadvantaged backgrounds navigate the same college so differently (http://www.nytimes.com/2015/09/13/opinion/sunday/what-the-privileged-poor-can-teach-us.html).

I'm fairly certain that this is a completely new phenomenon never mentioned before in science or literature, as poverty was invented by Franklin Delano Roosevelt as part of the New Deal he made with the race of lizard-aliens who crash landed near the South Pole (probably around the onset of teh Bronze Age) and have been living in giant caverns under the Antarctic ice ever since. (And that is why we rarely see them, before you ask, so shut your damn yapper and stop asking questions with obvious answers.)

Evidence? Evidence, you say? Pah! There was a documentary about them! However, it had to be marketed as 'fiction', because the truth would have been too much to handle. Just imagine them, sitting there, the naive, silly souls, mindlessly munching on buttered popcorn with all the intelligence of a cow chewing on regurgitated grass for 12 hours per day--then suddenly discovering that the world is not as they believed! That they have been lied to their entire lives! Everything they had ever been taught was a lie taught by deluded liars! And then what would have happened? That's right! Would have blown their fucking minds!

We can only imagine but there is no doubt in my mind that an immediate mass hysteria would have broken out, children crying for no reason, women throwing away their shoes, shooting massacres caused by men dressed as comic, mobs engaging in cannibalism, men in black dancing with men in white (don't ask don't tell, as we used to say), unfortunates being devoured alive, the lucky ones dying quickly with heads and spines ripped straight out of their bodies with the incredible strength of [viking thing, super aggressive bx ?], fortunate enough to only experience one second of horrible horrible pain--seen in the horror of their eyes by the beserk-ed ones, much to their glee--smashed skulls and brains eaten or even put in blended and juiced and then mixed with highly distilled aged liquors and unmentionable horrors! Which for obvious reasons I won't mention here.

Eventually this town will get a lot quieter and there will be much less traffic, though.

Well, here we are again, America. Evidently David Brooks is nearly dying of something so they editorial board felt forced to appoint another useless vapor cloud. In this case, me, Frankish Hairy Bruin, one who seems to have been feeding from a silver-lined trough for so long that I can't accept that my one real qualification for this job is being shot out of my mother's baby cannon with a "trust fund baby" tattoo.

But if biology is destiny, then surely I deserve to be here. Or maybe I just sucked the right sausage at the right time, who knows? It's clearly not because I am wise, or clever, or have anything worthwhile or interesting to say. Let's face it: A braying mule could probably get a job at the Times these days, as long as it would say hate unions, the minimum wage, and Hillary while shoving caviar into his fat gob in a restaurant staffed by underpaid migrant labor.

I mean, can you believe my fucking egocentricity? I actually live in a mental world where I believe that most people can 'connect' with their families in a summer beach house? Am I actually completely fucking blind? Can I not see the misery and suffering of the homeless, the poverty, the desperation? Or am I just a sociopath who just plain doesn't give a shit about anything except what I'm going through. Expect on memoir in the near future about me dealing with the death of one or both of my parents--hey, it might even make the New York Times best-seller list.

The fans asked for it and we're giving it! You said, "More buggery and butt fucking!" And that is what we gave you. Who knows, maybe next season Eva will get her tits out again but don't hold your breath on that one. The price of those nipples has risen astronomically ever since she was a Bond Girl.

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Some thoughts on reading NYT columnist Frank Bruni and on journalists in general:Can I be a journalist for the New York Times? It's pretty clear by now that most of your employees range somewhere between libertarian crackpots who think the free market can save us from ourselves while smugly preaching a gospel of obedience that would have made Network's Howard Beale look like a mentally stable person (David Brooks), and man obsessed with women's reproductive organs (Douthat), and now Frank Bruni has been promoted to up-and-coming-bootlicker-of-unadulterated-free-enterprise, a merchant of unadulterated 175 proof bottled love for capitalism. Drink it and you'll forget e everything you ever knew about Global Warming. Seriously, I'm pretty sure I could do a better job than these under-powered intellectual midgets. All hail the new shill, same as the old shill.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

NPR: They will bravely tackle any issue as long as it involves issues that happened in "the past" and therefore which no amount of debate will change, or find a way to courageously avoid any actual, current issue. It takes courage to run away, but I suppose if journalists were honest, they'd all be run out their jobs and replaced with the gutless spineless sacks of shit that fill National Republican Radio, CNN, and pretty much any 'mainstream' tv or radio outlet these days.

So yes, an urgent debate about whether or not an event took place in a non-changeable (i.e. HIroshima and Nagasaki) past without a single mention of nuclear proliferation, because that would upset the ones currently in control of their budget (because we know Iran cannot be trusted, unlike the other nations with thousands of warheads aimed at us).

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Then I start in with an utterly predictable I'm-really-a-moderate-but-let-me-tell-you-how-the-Clintons-are-the-scum-of-the-earth-attack on Hilary. 'Doesn't this fake, drummed up scandal created by the people I actually work for tell us something about her integrity?' (I say 'character' instead of integrity because they obviously mean the same thing, even though they don't, but really I use it because it's the talking-point word that has come down from Goebbelesque, Luntzian-nightmare-demon that tells me what to say and how to say it.)

Did I really say that about The Clinton? Ha! I said the same thing about Shrubya, except that his pointless war that cost us trillions in dollars and countless lives lost and wasted (no one I know thank god) proved that he had 'character.' That's Brooksie logic for you. Just imagine! A Hilary presidency could have meant that there would not have been an illegal, lie-based-that-any-idiot-could-see-through, blatantly conspiratorially bullshit-based war; and this in turn would have conversely proved her lack of integrity. Er, sorry, character. So there you have it: Common sense means spineless, no-character sociopath (i.e. any Democrat) and a complete lack of sense means the instestinal fortitude and courage to send others to fight your lie-based war while you clear your stupid fucking brush and play golf and have pictures taken of yourself riding a bicycle while Katrina buries New Orleans.

Fortunately, I was on vacation from 2000 to 20008, so I take no responsiblity for any of it. I'm just a simple New York Times columnist trying to make his way in the universe, you know? And I was on vacation.

Fortunately, I was on vacation from 2000 to 20008, so I take no responsiblity for any of it. I'm just a simple New York Times columnist trying to make his way in the universe, you know? And I was on vacation.

But wait! There's more! And the best for last! The best part is: NO CONSEQUENCES. I still have my job, just as every Republican who didn't get shrummified still has his job. So why change what's working? And as an optimist, I can categorically say that climage change/global warming will not harm us. Because that's how optimists work: A self-reinforcing cycle of delusion. And I still get to reprimand America for its alleged moral failings. (Not that I'm thinking of anyone in particular but in particular I'm thinking of the poors and the blacks especially the black poors why don't they just bootstrap themselves upwards; if my $2000 Mac Airbook can do it, why can't they? Fuck those assholes.)

In sum, dear reader: Am I not a complete piece of lying shit who can't be honest with himself for one second? And I've minted gold with it! Ah, it's good to be me.

Now excuse me, I have to look up some quotes from Rabbi Hebzejezekiel Whomever on Wikipedia for yet another admonishment of the working class and its lazy, fat, teen-pregnant, welfare-sponging ways.

Yes, National Public Radio, the radio which is produced by and for the public interest, is willing to stand up to the working class and refusing (once more) to mention that horrible jobs are also horribly under-compensated, while boldly and bravely providing free advertising for a business lobby. The insinuation that working-class Americans are probably lazy and that is why they are under-paid and/or under-employed and/or disabled is, of course, just background radiation at NPR and was not specifically mentioned in this story: That job was left to the comments of the paid shills and pensioners on the web page.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

how bees teach us collaborative, critical thinking via collaborative murder -from the magical balloon ride of mister brooks
Hey peeps, gotta' pop in here to earn my paycheck which I get in order to prove the maxim, 95% of everything is shit because that's what people like.

So you know the drill:

First paragraph: Me all excited about some bullshit! We all know that bees are social animals, right. Just like people! But you say, "David, bees are stupid!" Wrong. You're stupid. I mean, you're reading this column and taking it seriously, right? Okay, let's move on.

Second paragraph: Did you know how aforesaid bullshit demonstrates counter-intuitive hypothesis? Bees are not stupid--in fact, they're bee-smart! Take, for example, a fellow walking down a bucolic country road in the spring time. This gent--who let's say, looks a lot like this guy--

hypothetically of course, it's just a photo I plucked from the Internet completely at random, no idea whom he might be--so this gent is strolling down the road and then because his dumb fat stupid head is filled with 'ideas' that are different from mine, he doesn't even notice that hive of Africanized bees living in that mailbox. Whoops! Out come a hive of bees hahahaha! That's right, stab that old bastard!

Now poor ole' ̶p̶a̶u̶l̶ ̶k̶r̶u̶g̶m̶a̶n̶ random stranger is suddenly being attacked like a Tokyo firebombing in 1944! Who's the dumb fat stupid-head now, ̶p̶a̶u̶l̶ ̶k̶r̶u̶g̶m̶a̶n̶ random stranger? That's right, the bees, by working together, have become super-intelligent! And the man is super-dead! Who's the smartie-pants now, ̶p̶a̶u̶l̶ ̶k̶r̶u̶g̶m̶a̶n̶ random stranger?

Third paragraph: Wrap up my deep penetrating insight into reality which only I possess with message of the moral superiority of keeping your mouth shut and the virtue of blind obedience to our Wall Street Overlords or the boot of whom ever I happen to be licking today. Yes, dear reader, I have examined this matter carefully, very carefully. It consumed an entire 30 minutes of my time between breakfast and lunch, after which I busied myself with a Danielle Steele novel but anyways the point is is that only I have seen this. The bees obey their ruler. For the good of their hive nation, they attack and die. And I'm sure that they die happily, knowing that they gave all for the greater good.

So remember, the next time you or your child or grandchild is out there in some foreign hellhole filled with people who hate America and therefore need to learn about democracy at the end of a rifle barrel, weep not. Instead, say it with me (from a very, very, very, very, very safe distance): FOR THE HIVE! HIVE AMERICA!

Here is a brief list of things you can learn from skimming news of the past week or so:

Microsoft is laying off over 20,000 people (still needs to import computer engineers for some reason) (Microsoft layoffs)

The drought in California has not been in the news since forever--like at least a week--so it must be over. This is remarkable that it ended in July but there you have it.

Apple's streaming music service is going to take us into a bold new future, a brave new world wherein somehow people cannot live without Apple software (unless they can't afford Apple hardware, in which case they are screwed and must eke out their wretched little hardscrabble lives, simply dreaming of the joy of a gadget on which they can produce a slideshow of their children being shot out of a baby cannon to indie-pop reverb while dutifully calling their mothers and at the same time watching pornography to fill in those awkward moments of silence that come with any conversation between an adult child and parent. (No matter how shit this software is, it's still brilliant! Can you beat that? The New Apple Something What The Fuck Ever

"Yes, there was a hyperinflation in 1923, which may have helped radicalize German politics. But the proximate factor in Hitler’s rise to power was the great deflation of the 1930s, brought on by a disastrous attempt to stay on gold (krguman.blogs.nytimes.com, 09july2015). "

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Yes, those words were just for you! Now thing how much better those words would taste with a layer of crack on top! CrackTop! Now on sale! The new miracle product that makes anything better, including your terrible, terrible cooking. Don't you feel ashamed of yourself? Don't you realize your family hates you? Win back their love--with CrackTop! And don't forget to save some for Mom!

Friday, June 26, 2015

In a moving affirmation of civil rights and in support of marriage equality regardless of race, creed or preference, Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote:

What I have noticed is that that there are quite a lot of rich people with money; yes, even gay ones. Yep. And you know, when it comes to humans, the rich ones just seem so much more, well, human, if you take my drift.

And hey we've all been there experimenting in our youth with what a few pals, some men among their fellow virile men, could achieve with an index finger, kitchen gloves and a jar of Vaseline.

So, sure, affirm that, because I have been deeply touched by the suffering of people of wealth and power. Sadly this ruling might apply to the unwashed masses as well, but hopefully they will soon be systematically exterminated and replaced by obedient cyborg machines who don't cause all this fuss and bother. Now everybody pat me on the back while I help steal away your right to vote, organize a union, protest in public, and eliminate all pretense of a democracy. The time of the oligarchy has come. (Sorry, just thinking out loud there.)

It was a simpler time...it was a better time...because I'm viewing it through booze and dementia. I recall vividly the time I met Jesus of Nazareth (aka God Boy) and I slept with his wife, Mary Magdalene, because we were all on acid and thought we were polygynous velociraptors.

It was a simpler time...it was a better time...because I'm viewing it through booze and dementia. I recall vividly the time I met Jesus of Nazareth (aka God Boy) and I slept with his wife, Mary Magdalene, because we were all on acid and thought we were polygynous velociraptors.

Fans of the on-going life-was-a-nightmare-way-back-when-but-what-if-there'd-been-dragons series "Game of Thrones" lost their collective shit once again after last night's episode. The president has not scheduled a press conference to discuss the topic. However, a statement from the White House advised television viewers 'not to lose their shit over a TV show because it's fiction and shit like that, like it's not even real and stuff.' Retorted Hopeless Fanboys of America CEO Dan Facsimily, "It's real because it feels real! Thanks Obama! Where were you when the script was being written? Where is the writers' room? Kenya?"

Above: Actress who is reportedly fucking someoneshe had not previously fucked.

Actress is currently fucking someone else now, according to reports. Moreover, this is someone she had not previously fucked, said observers.

"This is definitely someone she had not fucked previously," stated Dr. Prurient T. Logicus, Ph.D., Dean of Human Studies and who also teaches a 3 unit introductory course for freshmen on Thursday evenings from 7pm to 9:30 (not including breaks) at Apeland Community College. "The fact that this is a new person to fuck is in itself is noteworthy," he stated, in a tone which made it clear that this was completely obvious to any who was not a complete moron. "Furthermore," he said, "It also raises a number of fascinating questions. For example:

Will she continue to fuck this person?

Whom will she fuck next?

Will she continue to fuck only this person, or fuck alternate people on different days, say an odd-even numbered day sort of thing?

Conceivably--as unlikely as it may seem--she could even stop fucking altogether! The implications of which are staggering."

Dr. Logicus then concluded, "These are all possible outcomes. However, in the case of any given individual, accurate predictions are nearly impossible to make. Therefore we must rely upon empirical observation to see who or when or what this actress will fuck in the future."

Dr. Isaac D. Glopnik, Dean of Religious Studies at Apeland Community College, countered, saying, "It's irrelevant whom she fucks. She's going to hell either way, like all humans, where they will slave away for eternity at the bidding of Dark Ape. Shoveling his dark poo and such. Unless they're lucky enough be to reborn as an ape but, haha, as if that could happen to a human."

Too much strange not to share this:
The erstwhile front-runner tries to get things in order:
"By hiring Mr. Diaz, Mr. Bush wanted to send a clear signal that “the culture of the Bush operation will now be a Pickett’s Charge engagement campaign with his main opponents,” according to one Bush ally."
Hmm. Pickett’s Charge is not exactly something you want to emulate …
I find myself thinking about an incident from a while back, where Jeb invoked the spirit of a “mystic warrior':
After more than an hour of solemn ceremony naming Rep. Marco Rubio, R-West Miami, as the 2007-08 House speaker, Gov. Jeb Bush stepped to the podium in the House chamber last week and told a short story about “unleashing Chang,” his “mystical warrior” friend.Here are Bush’s words, spoken before hundreds of lawmakers and politicians: ”Chang is a mystical warrior. Chang is somebody who believes in conservative principles, believes in entrepreneurial capitalism, believes in moral values that underpin a free society.”I rely on Chang with great regularity in my public life. He has been by my side and sometimes I let him down. But Chang, this mystical warrior, has never let me down.”
[italics & bold mine - drt] How was he to know that “unleashing Chiang” was about landing Kuomintang troops on the mainland, where they would have been slaughtered? (Maybe that Pickett comparison isn’t so off after all.)