Here it is—the pièce de résistance! This cake is so damn decadent that it’s downright uncivilized! It’s certainly not health food, so don’t try to convince yourself that it is. Give in, you brute. These unruly amounts of fat and sugar and refined flour are to be saved for a special occasion, like Tuesday.

Cake

1 cup plain nondairy milk

2 teaspoons freshly squeezed lemon juice

2 ounces unsweetened chocolate

2 tablespoons Ener-G Egg Replacer

¼ cup warm water

1¾ cups unbleached all-purpose flour

1½ cups sugar

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon baking soda

½ teaspoon baking powder

⅓ cup canola oil

Cream Filling

2 (15-ounce) cans full-fat coconut milk, chilled for 6 to 8 hours

8 ounces nondairy cream cheese, softened

⅔ cup light brown sugar, packed

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

⅛ teaspoon salt

Chocolate Dust

1 (3.5-ounce) nondairy dark chocolate bar, grated

Barbarians: You’ll need to pretend to be civilized if you hope to pull off this torte. You got me? Good. Now proceed.

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Cut a piece of parchment paper into two circles, both with a 9-inch diameter to fit the bottom of two 9-inch baking pans. Insert the parchment circles into the pans and lightly coat the sides with vegetable shortening. Sprinkle with flour and then shake and tap out the excess.

To make the cake, mix the nondairy milk with the lemon juice in a small bowl. Set aside.

Put the unsweetened chocolate in a small saucepan over very low heat, stirring constantly until melted. Remove from the heat.

Put the egg replacer and water in a food processor and process until frothy, about 3 minutes.

Sift the flour, sugar, salt, baking soda, and baking powder into a large bowl. Add the oil and half the nondairy milk mixture. Using an electric mixer, beat until just mixed, about 1 minute.

Add the remaining nondairy milk mixture and the melted chocolate and egg replacer mixture. Beat until just mixed, about 1 minute, to make a batter.

Working quickly, divide the batter between the prepared pans. Bake for 30 to 35 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. (You dirty brute, do you even know the meaning of the word “clean?”)

Let cool in the pans on a cooling rack for 1 hour. Turn the cakes out of the pans onto the rack and let cool for 1 to 2 hours longer.

While the cakes cool, prepare the filling. Remove the coconut milk from the fridge, but do not shake the cans. (When chilled, the cream from the coconut milk rises to the top.) Gently turn the cans upside down and carefully remove the lids. Pour the watery liquid into a storage container and reserve for other purposes. Scoop the coconut cream from the cans and put it in a large bowl. Using the electric mixer, beat the cream until fluffy, about 5 minutes.

Put the nondairy cream cheese, brown sugar, vanilla extract, and salt in a large bowl and blend until well combined using the electric mixer (there’s no need to clean it after beating the coconut cream). Add the cream cheese mixture to the coconut cream and mix until well combined.

Once the cakes have cooled completely, cut each cake in half horizontally to make four layers. Be careful to cut the cakes evenly, you vulgar savage. (I hope you’ll take that as a compliment. Some of my best lovers have been vulgar savages. Actually, all my lovers have been vulgar savages.)

To assemble the cake, put one layer on a cake plate, spread one-quarter of the filling over that layer, and sprinkle with 1 to 2 tablespoons of the chocolate dust. Continue to alternate the layers, the filling, and the chocolate dust until all four layers are stacked with a layer of the filling separating them. Spread the remaining filling over the top layer of the cake. Delicately sprinkle with the remaining chocolate dust as a garnish. Geez Louise, I said delicately sprinkle! This isn’t one of your barnyard escapades.

Chill for at least 2 hours before serving to all your beastly friends. Store loosely covered with plastic wrap in the refrigerator and use within 1 week––as if you could restrain yourself for longer than that, you wild heathen, you.