UOW have invested heavily in creating a more focused library environment for students. However, with the new additions to the UOW library, comes a new crackdown on students who disturb the study peace. A new squad of library police have been employed to ensure that to the utmost degree, silence is maintained similar to that of a former opinionated North Korean military officer.

The “Shhhhh Squad” as named by talkative students, is not only present on the 1st floor, albeit have migrated to the lower and upper levels of the library.

“It creates a huge problem for me and my study buddies to practice our Model UN discussions (and politics group assignments)”, said Jenny a 3rd year politics major student.

“We feel oppressed, we can’t go outside, the air is too fresh and I heard there was a political group positioned at the library entrance. I’m not in the mindset to debate extra-passionately about Marxist theory and Socialist regimes today.”

The Smoking Duck reports that the new task force is being supplied a generous weaponry budget including badges, and a code of conduct form. However, discarded classified documents reveal a more sinister arsenal of batons, bear spray, and military grade tasers.

The Smoking Duck has revealed one student was even extradited for breathing too loudly in the quiet section. Shaky mobile phone footage exhibits the student being handcuffed and dragged out while still clasping his physics textbook.

Andrew, a determined Bsc. in Physics student explained that “I wasn’t doing anything wrong! They told me I was breathing too loud and that I need to be escorted to the talking section. When I protested, they put the cuffs on me and dragged me out while I tried to learn the difference between Amperian loop model and the B-field, and Magnetic pole model and the H-field, in Electromagnetism.

The Smoking Duck attempted to retrieve a comment from the “Shhhhh Squad”, however they politely, and quietly declined to comment.

Are you bothered that UOW carparks have become over congested lately? Tired of study rooms booked out when you need a place to nap? Annoyed by people asking pointless questions at lectures that distract you from your facebook browsing? A very optimistic and promising new member of the Young Liberals is bothered. In response, this Mr Smith has proposed a new solution.

“I used to be a very live and let live kind of person. But lately I’ve been thinking, a good third of you can fuck off.” – Mr Smith.

In an exclusive interview in the Young Liberals secret volcano lair, Mr Smith outlined his proposal to our reporters:

“We’re full. Here at Young Liberal HQ we’ve gone through all the more traditional solutions the party has put forward during the years to normally combat this issue: Creating more campus space, better public transportation systems, starve all the poor etc. But as tantalising as those could be in the short term, none were found sufficient for this ever growing menace.”

Mr Smith went on to explain the simplest way to alleviate UOW of it’s current problem was to remove its lowest common denominators.

Smith further explained that after literally hours of science research the correlation between these meddlesome groups was finally discovered. Incredibly complex coffee orders.

“It’s just how annoying people work. Think about it, by the fifth adjustment it isn’t even really coffee anymore. They’re clearly mentally unhinged. I mean what’s the point? At the moment there’s about 400 complicated non- coffee drinkers studying or employed by UOW.”

“And that number is just too high?”

“Precisely, realistically we need to get that number down to 6 or 7. That’s a lot more wiggle room when it comes to parking spaces.”

“A noble sentiment.”

“Thankyou. So anyway we’ve contacted our coffee suppliers and requested for more cyanide than usual to be mixed in.”

For the past week the Young Liberals have begun implementing their scheme, with the independent cafes on campus being more than enthusiastic to thin the troublesome herd.

“If a customer asks for more than two parameters with their coffee, they get the poison. For example:

Skim cappuccino? Safe.

Soy flat white? No problem.

Skim half strength decaf mocha frappuccino? Cyanide. You sicko.

With the poison becoming a promising dose of chlorine for the UOW student pool, the body count is mounting however. In response we asked Mr. Smith how the bodies of the deceased have been dealt with.

“A great question, we’ve been selling them as placeholders in lectures where attendance is compulsory.”

Tristan Clemente (no, not French, pork-and-cheese) calls himself an author, but has no novels published in his name. Living proof that you can be a washed up novelist without being successful first, he spends his days completing a useless Arts degree and writing for a low rate satirical news publication that’ll hopefully one day gain traction.

First year Horticulturalist student Brandon Hewitt’s plot to get free parking at UOW backfired horrifically as police, paramedics and confused parking attendants laid siege to his car this morning.

Mr. Hewitt thought he had the perfect scam to get the “three for free” deal:

“We just put a mannequin in the backseat to trick the carpooling attendants.”

“That’s it?”

“Well we put a hoodie on it. And an iPhone in it’s lap. Looked pretty legit. I just wish I checked the weather forecast.”

Mr. Hewitt attended classes throughout the day, maliciously enjoying his ill gotten free parking with little regard for remorse or human decency. Throughout the day this plan had gone without a hitch. However, as temperatures soared into the 40’s, parking attendants of the Carpooling section were shocked to see someone trapped inside a black car with no windows down, deceived twice by the selfishness of Mr Hewitt.

“By the time I got back to my car,” remarked Mr. Hewitt, “paramedics were smashing the windows in to save Sasha – that’s what I named her.”

“It’s a lovely name,” we replied.

When the paramedics finally smashed into the car, “Sasha” (made of synthetic polymers, not people parts) had melted, resulting in one paramedic vomiting at the scene in what he could only describe as: “A crime against humanity.” The Mannequin’s deformed head dripped onto the shards of the broken window, it’s body literally fused into the cheap plastic of it’s UOW jumper. The ipad, long out of battery power, was a puddle.

Police tried interviewing the parking attendants for their perspective on the events. However, due to language barriers this was never achieved, the police instead were denied entry for not having three persons in the cruiser. The investigation was later carried out on foot.

With what seemingly started as little more than a cheap attempt to cheat the rules and regulations of the carpooling system, ended in a crime against humanity and possible manslaughter case. We asked Mr Hewitt for what message he took from these horrific events:

“Do you have anything to say to anyone who would seek to copy this act?”

Tristan Clemente (no, not French, pork-and-cheese) calls himself an author, but has no novels published in his name. Living proof that you can be a washed up novelist without being successful first, he spends his days completing a useless Arts degree and writing for a low rate satirical news publication that’ll hopefully one day gain traction.

Dan ‘Simo’ Symons, who is in his 4th part time year of a Bachelor of Primary Education at UOW, was given the stage at a recently held mullet festival at Kurri Kurri. ‘Simo’ has been proudly strutting his “wicked mullet” around campus for 6 years and decided to finally enter the Mullet Festival Contest, coming first in the “Ranga” category.

“Yeah nah I didn’t expect to win it ay, it’s me first year that I haven’t worn my felt hat around campus ay,” Simo said while scratching his scalp, to which white flakes fell onto his shoulders.

“So, one day I was walking around campus right, and a low hanging tree branch thing knock me hat off. Then some bloke yelled out, ‘Oi! Nice mullet.’” Simo then demonstrates an intense thumbs up attempting to imitate the bloke’s powerful actions.

“And too right he was, I got a glimpse of meself in the library window and thought what a cracker mullet”

Simo continued to express that it wasn’t just all natural talent that secured his competition win. He had to go 7 years without a proper haircut, during which time he continued his intense treatment of regular surfing, never shampooing or conditioning, and ensuring that unless the bouncer at the Illa refused him entry for wearing a hat, he would never take it off.

“I’m blessed with me dads rich Scottish history….I think, but even with that I still needed to keep my hair super glossy for the extra points.”

The kilt wearing Ranga also made sure his opponents from UWS and ANU understood which one of Australia’s Universities were regarded the best for growing “sick” mullets.

“When I beat the kids from the other unis, I congratulated them by challenging them to ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’. Naturally I went scissors, the UWS students didn’t see it coming haha.”

Simo is looking forward to UOW campaigning for the inclusion of “Sickest Mullet Contest”, in the 2019 University Games. UOW have announced they plan on honouring the occasion with a copper cast statue of his mullet to be placed on the Jugglers Lawn, in addition to a scholarship in his name.

Many students have come from the plush surrounds of baby boomer parents and enjoyed a luxurious buffet of food selection each time the pantry, or the fridge door was opened. Those Friday/Saturday night eat outs with the family, and the constant barrage of sweets from the extended family. You’ve probably enjoyed it so much that you subconsciously would open the fridge and just look at the food, either through boredom or admiration.

Well I’m sad to say, for you, that life is over.

You are about to hit the most real reality check of your life. The closest thing to prepared meals is the pre-made pizza base you can buy (we’ll get to that later), and the dead cockroaches in your house will seem appetising after some time (if you can afford to not live in your car). Fortunately, The Smoking Duck has an experienced staff when it comes to survival on a minimum budget, which is why we are making the ‘Student Survival Guide for Food’.

You will learn to scavenge, be frivolous with money, patient for the right sale, and appreciative that a carrot is a main meal.

Cheap eating

2 minute noodles

TIP: Enough calories for cognitive function

Going to free events for free food (Eg. O-Week)

TIP: Ask many open-ended questions to ensure you are able to maintain chewing speed

Your roomies lunch and dinner

TIP: Take small bites throughout the day/night to avoid suspicion

Cheap fruit at Paninis

TIP: You only need to donate a small bit of change

Splash some cash

Buy protein filled pre-cooked canned salmon/tuna

TIP: Wait for the deals to come on and empty the shelves (big purchase = big long-term savings)

High energy chocolate bars

TIP: Watch for sales on Saturday afternoons

Pre-made pizza

TIP: Contains all the major food groups….kind of

Take my money!

Bought a schnitzel and chips at the pub

TIP: you’ll probably do this whether you are poor or rich, just make sure you lick the plate clean