Humor

The War Between Halo and Call of Duty Fans Gets Thirstier

In an inexplicable and seemingly endless effort to connect violent first-person shooters with indigestible neon fluids, Monster Energy Drink has upped the ante with the brand-new Modern Warfare 2 Monster Assault Energy Drink. Yes, that's the name. Why a company would sell a consumable product with a word like "Assault" in its name is anyone's guess, but perhaps it's a baby step towards consumer honesty from the energy drink industry. Yeah, we doubt it.

Monster was kind enough to assault our work desks with cases of its nuclear nectar and we can confirm first-hand that it tops Mountain Dew's Halo Gamefuel in nearly every possible category of repugnance. The fruity goop is thick, blood-red, and tastes like Kiefer Sutherland vomited cough syrup in to our mouths like some sort of post-apocalyptic mother bird. But it's the can itself that really exudes the most obnoxious aura. The tall silver bullet of poison is adorned with camo texture, nameless soldiers and the most douchey collection of buzzwords concentrated in one place since Kanye West wrote his own Wikipedia page. In context, the words make no sense whatsoever. But out of context, they make an awesome heavy metal band name generator!

Worse yet is the product blurb on the side of the can, which was seemingly written by a corporate hippie mid-skateboard ollie through his midlife crisis.

So let's see how the two products stack up "nutritionally":

Mmm! Delicious maltodextrin or frothy, tasty glycerol ester of wood rosin? Decisions, decisions. Regardless of choice, do be sure to limit yourself to only three cans a day. So sorry to break the bad news to those of you planning on bathing in this stuff, mainlining it or breastfeeding it to your babies. The reason for including the nutritional facts is to point out the obvious: These drinks will both kill you. They're the worst possible substances on earth to put into your body. Both concoctions are basically combinations of lab-produced chemicals and artificially bright colors that produce a garbage soup for your mouth. We understand that gamers get hungry and thirsty, but these drinks are specifically designed to kill us. So be careful out there, because if you're a gamer you're a high-value target for a marketing douchebag.

Verdict: Halo Gamefuel tastes slightly better and doesn't have the consistency of prop zombie movie liquid, but both should be avoided if you value your life whatsoever. If you don't, they'll certainly hold you over until Combat Crysis Sprite and Killzone Intestinal Resistance Spray are undoubtedly unleashed upon us all.