Technical Virginity: Is All Sex Real Sex?

I’ve loved the conversations that happened throughout February concerning the topics of Christians and sex. Thank you to so many of you who have messaged me personally or talked to me in person about your thoughts on these topics. My purpose in focusing on this subject was to start the conversation, with a hope that others would feel compelled to engage. There’s one more guest who will be sharing with us later this week and will be closing out our series, which I think you will enjoy immensely. Look for this to appear in a few days.

But as we are on the tail end of this series, I wanted to hit on big topic that definitely exists in the land of the grey. The Bible doesn’t speak directly to this subject, although we could draw some conclusions that Song of Solomon alludes to it.

In case you haven’t figured it out, I’m talking about being what I like to call a “technical virgin”…

Perhaps, I’ve lost some of you. How can you be a “technical virgin”? I mean, aren’t you either a full virgin or not one at all?

I was first introduced to this concept when I was in grade 11. I remember it clearly. I was on a youth retreat with a group of peers. One night some of the girls and I were up late talking about boys, like girls do. A couple of the girls were in serious relationships, I mean as serious as you can get in high school. We got on the topic of boundaries and how far is too far. That was the night I found out that several of the girls I knew were engaging in oral sex. I was naive, perhaps sheltered is a better word for my state of being. I was shocked. Over the next hour or so we talked about whether it was right or wrong to be having oral sex, even to the point of bringing in the youth pastor to see what his thoughts were.

The thing that I remember most about that night is that these girls honestly didn’t think there was anything wrong with having oral sex. They were still virgins because they weren’t actually having real sex. Since then, I’ve had conversation after conversation with Christians who are engaging in oral sex or anal sex outside of marriage and believe whole-heartily that because it’s not actual intercourse then it’s fine.

I’ve heard lots of reasoning behind this too…

“You have to do what you have to do in order to try and wait to have actual intercourse”,

“The Bible doesn’t say anything about it”,

“It’s not actual sex” ….and so on.

Let me tell you some of my thoughts on the matter and then I invite you to weigh in…

I have come to believe that all sex is real sex. If you believe that sex is purely a physical act then you will most likely not agree with me. But if you believe that sex is so much more than what’s going on with our physical bodies then you might come to recognize that any time we engage in such an intimate physical act, our emotions, our minds, and our spirits don’t just get left behind. So whether it is oral, anal or vaginal sex – it is us choosing to engage in something intimate with another person. It’s a choice we make to expose ourselves to another person. And I’m convinced that while the world seems to think it’s easy to get physically naked with someone, we have no real clue what it means to be spiritually naked with someone.

And by spiritually naked I mean what it’s like to be vulnerable with someone. The kind of vulnerability where you know that person sees all of your flaws and chooses to love you anyways. When we limit sex to only being something physical, we lie to ourselves and we rob ourselves and the other person of something meant to be so much more.

Having said this, I’d like to give a little context to this series…

First, I think that anytime we talk about sex, there are always going to be what I like to call “grey” areas. Things that just can’t fit into the category of black or white. Grey areas might be stories of people who have been sexually abused and weren’t given a choice to wait; people who chose to be sexually active before they came to know Christ; people who were taken advantage of, and so on. When I write about this topic and when I invite others to weigh in on this topic, it’s my hope that we approach the conversation with grace, realizing we are all flawed and imperfect beings, who come with broken lives and stories with bumps and cracks along the way. These conversations are not meant to bring shame or bring guilt but simply to present another side of the story that gets overlooked far too often.

Secondly, I’m burdened by the fact that I hear far too many conversations and lyrics, and see far too many advertisements and movies that promote sexual promiscuity. I’m saddened that movies like The 40 Year Old Virgin and shows like Grey’s Anatomy make fun of those choosing abstinence, especially because I really like Grey’s Anatomy! The thing is that I don’t really hear anyone talking about the benefits of waiting until you’re married to have sex, and so I decided to talk about it because I think there’s another side of the story that people need to know about. It’s the side of the story where we learn that there are a lot of married people who wish they hadn’t screwed around with so many other people before they finally committed their life to someone. It’s the side of the story where a teenage girl got pregnant and was all of a sudden faced with the harsh reality of adulthood before she was ready. It’s the side of the story where sex is robbed of meaning and love becomes only about how you feel in the moment.

It’s the part of the story we don’t like to hear, because it challenges us and it doesn’t make us feel warm and fuzzy. It’s much easier to believe that if it feels right in the moment then you should do it, and worry about the consequences later.

And thirdly, I want to believe that we are capable of more. I want to believe that we can think deeply about things, that we can love even when we don’t have the fuzzy feelings. I want the students that I’ve worked with to realize that sex is not just physical and when you believe that it is, you are not only lying to yourself but you cheapening one of God’s greatest gifts. And you are the one who will miss out because cheap sex is just that, cheap.

God gave us minds to use and it’s time that we think deeply about the things that have sifted so naturally into our culture because most of it, isn’t actually good for us.

I went to a movie a few nights ago. It was probably one of the most sexually explicit films I’ve ever seen. There wasn’t hardly any nudity or explicit sex scenes but pretty much the whole movie surrounded the idea of three young guys sleeping around with different women. I was pretty appalled at the whole thing and I hope with everything in me, that those three guys are not an actual portrayal of the average guy, although I do have my suspicions. But more than being disgusted by the content, I was left with the realization of how shallow the lives of those guys were.

The thing about Jesus is that he invites us into a life of meaning. He invites us to live a story that is anything but shallow. It’s an invitation that we can accept or refuse. It’s an invitation that will actually change how we think about the things that happen in our lives everyday. And it’s an invitation that will shatter what the world thinks love is.

I invite you to think about sex through the lens of meaning.

I invite you to actually talk to Jesus about what it means to be a sexual being when you’re not having sex.

I invite you to think about if engaging in premarital sex in all it’s forms is actually what’s best for you and your future spouse.

I invite you to look at your sexual habits and really ask yourself if this is contributing to the kind of meaningful life that Jesus invites you to? And is it the kind of thing that you will look forward to telling your future spouse about?

I like to think that as hard as it might seem right now, trading in these habits for something more meaningful might just be one of the best decisions you will ever make.

So let’s create some space to talk about whatever it is we’re struggling with.

No shame, just grace.

But what do you think….is all sex real sex? Can you be a technical virgin? Do you buy into the idea of there being a difference between being naked physically and naked spiritually? Does Jesus invite us to view sex differently, agree or disagree?

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One thought on “Technical Virginity: Is All Sex Real Sex?”

Darcie, I cannot tell you how much I LOVE your blog. You have such a clear, factual, common sensical way of writing. I am glad I am not the only young adult who thinks this way about sex. I, too, feel that our culture blatantly ignores the consequences of screwing around with whoever and whenever you want. What about STDs? Why don’t TV or movies EVER mention them? They are so much more common than we are lead to believe and have SO many issues associated with them like infertility.
Thank you again. You are truly being a light and example of what it means to be a pure, Christian individual!