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Honest

Hi to whoever might be reading this, I’m not sure if anyone’s noticed but I haven’t been too active on my blog.

I’ve been gone for a few weeks for a couple of different reasons.

Some days it was just like I was forcing blog posts out of myself and I wasn’t being honest or passionate in them. Then, other days, I just felt like I was pressured to create a blog post because I haven’t done one in maybe 3 days. Also, I was going through a bad time when I left and I just needed space away from the pressure of everything, including this site.

Have you ever felt pressured on this site?

I have, I do all the time.

I created a blog to talk about my day and voice my opinions and feelings, to be who I am.

But some days, it’s like I’m shying away from that, and unfortunately, I’m only writing blog posts for the likes and follows.

Yep, I said it. I want to be honest.

I felt like I cared too much of what people thought of my writing and I needed to take a break away from that and remember why I started my blog in the first place.

I hate social media. I love this site. But it’s like this site is social media sometimes. Twitter, snapchat, and all those other social media networks pressure me so much because it’s like “Do people like what I said/posted?” And I’m really anxious to post things on social media because of that haunting question when I KNOW I shouldn’t care less. Now it’s like I’ve brought my social media feelings to here, and I hate it.

I don’t want to care how many people like my posts or how many people follow me.

I care that my voice is being heard, people are following my advice and learning from my stories, and that I’m just helping myself be happy and strong.

I’m thankful that people like my post and follow me, but I don’t want that to be the sole purpose as to why I’m writing a blog post.

It was really hard not writing a blog post as soon as I got home, but I felt like I needed to remember the person I wanted to be when I started this blog.

So a few things have happened in my life while I was away…

I finished writing a few more songs in my songbook and I’m really really ecstatic about them.

In photography class we’re using the dark room! I was really scared at first because we use a lot of chemicals that can be harmful but once you’re used to them it’s not that bad. In case you might not now, a dark room is where you develop your photographs. We made this camera out of a shoe box and we stick photo paper in there and we expose some light to it and bam there’s a photo. (I know that’s a really complicated explanation) It would be extremely cool if it wasn’t time consuming and for a grade. I need two prints: One of a self-portrait and one of an object and I have neither. You see the thing is you need to get the exact right time for exposure with light and it’s frustrating the picture can end up turning really dark or extremely out of detail and that’s what sucks about it. Plus it takes like 7 minutes to develop it so it’ll take like 10 minutes to try again AND to figure out a new time that MIGHT work. I always get really close to the right time then that’s when class is over. So I was extremely stressed in photography, but I’ve made friends there who share my frustration so it’s not bad.

Phoenix (the guy I like) and I are really good friends now. The other day he was unbelievably nice to me when I was under stress and disappointment in my photography class when my dark print pictures weren’t the best. We also worked together in Spanish concerning those darn conjugations.It’s just really nice and freeing to talk to him.

I’m learning to be more open about my feelings and not box everything up with an “I’m fine.” Like the other day in one of my school clubs I talked about who I am and how my mind sort of manipulates things and it felt so good to get some things off my chest.

I’ve been cherishing the positive people in my life and keeping them closer so that my life can be more happy and less stressful. I’ve been appreciating the people around me and who stay by me instead of being anxious that they’ll leave someday.

I’ve been going on driving lessons with my dad every Sunday and I think it’s really helped me with my fear to drive on the road. I’m getting more confident each time I sit in the driver’s seat. I even put my foot on the accelerator now! Lol. The fastest I’ve gone is 20 mph, which might not seem fast for you, but it’s good enough for me. I practice in this place where other drivers practice as well so that’s kind of a good and bad thing. Because I get to realize and experience what it’s like responding to other drivers but it’s also really scary because, A: Crashing.

I took the PSAT a week ago and I’m really nervous for the results about that but I’d like to believe that I really did try my best on it. Also, my grades aren’t that bad, I actually checked them! Usually I don’t like checking my grades because it lowers my self esteem, but I’m actually doing good I have no C’s at all.

Well I think that’s about it, it’s really nice feeling like myself again and writing a blog post, I really missed this.

Hey, we all feel pressured with our blogs sometimes. It’s not just you. So just remember you’re writing for yourself and what others might think doesn’t matter, mmk? If you aren’t happy with a post because YOU don’t like it, thats okay. Just don’t keep others from doing what makes you happy xx