My mum was diagnosed with breast cancer in May. In its early stages fortunately but it means, and has certainly meant so far, a lot of medication. Sadly, either the medication, or at least something, has really messed with her. She had an operation to take her nymph lodes out near the end of June, which meant she could no longer drive particularly far, and then she started getting double vision. But that was the start of it. Then she regularly started vomiting a lot, not eating at all for weeks, and staying in bed and being really, really confused, and basically had no idea what was going on a lot of the time. Add to that a massive hole in the ceiling beneath the bathroom with lots of drips that was about to fall threw at any moment (until we turned the water off in that room), and a broken boiler (no hot water), and life seeemed truly awful not only a week and a half ago.

Although doctors and nurses kept telling my sister (who is more responsible with these sort of things than me, seeing as my aspergers means i'm kinda crap at these things) to go to each other, it was no good. So my sister phoned the hospital last saturday (not the one just gone) and my mum was taken away and she hasn't returned since. My sister, who has a car and is able to speak with people about important things, has seen my mum everyday since she's been in there, where she's had numerous tests and scans. I saw her last week and then, in the longest stretch between ever not seeing her, today too. Although they're trying to rule out cancer as a cause of her confusion, they recon the confusion might be down to malnourishment, however she has eaten well since she's got there so maybe not. Her foot is swollen too now and she still gets double vision. And today was particularly sad as she had trouble recognizing people and things. She did last time too, but this time she cried when me and my sister had to leave.

Really don't know what to do with myself but I felt like letting it out here as I have in the past about other major stuff, and even though I just wanted to, like, write everything down at once (at least everything that comes to mind), I don't want to talk about this on Facebook except in group chats where obviously all is fragmented. My sister is applying for a Macmillan grant that will help us with the ceiling and my uncle will help with the boiler. My grandma is helping me with food and numerous other things. No idea when my mum is coming home but I've practically lived on my own since she's gone in and when my mum does return we're hoping to make the house look not like an absolute pigstye. Likely, my mum's confusion meant she forgot to take a lot of her medicine so we're definitely going to need a carer or some sort, not at least because I can't look after myself either. My main concern at the moment is that she doesn't appear to be any better today than she did last week, after a whole week in hospital care.

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum, mate. On the positive side of things, it's good that she's in the hospital where they can keep an eye on her and give her the best possible care.

The best thing you can do with yourself is try and keep yourself busy and try not to fret too much (easier said than done, I know). Tidy the house as best you can. Try and get out of the house every now and again, even if it's only for a walk around the block.

There's not much that a group of randoms on the internet can do to help, but we've all got your back, and if you want to talk about it we're all here to listen.

I tried recovering one of my old youtube accounts. One of the videos has had a lot of views so I thought I'd go in and have a look around...

Well I got the wrong account details so the one I logged into was my personal account from 11 years ago.

There's about 10 YouTube channels I subscribed to (the very first wave of famous youtube vloggers), there's only one that still exists today with some modern content but the rest gave up 3-4 years ago and have completely vanished. It's like a complete stamp in time, some people I have forgotten about and now are suddenly a lot older and kinda washed up, it's all rather sad. Kinda reflects on time passing without me really knowing and then I thought some what narcissistically that I to have moved through 10 years of time and probably also vanished to the bubble that I was in back then.

There's an old man on there who started vlogging 11 years ago, and then there's a handful of videos he posted up 4 years ago. He looked very drawn and frail in those last videos, he talks about having too much iron in his body. In the comments there's RIP's and talks of cancer. I just can't believe how different he looked in the space of those 6 years. Very sad.

Coincidentally I'm 33 tomorrow so I'm probably reflecting anyway but the last 8 years of my life has flown by and they say it gets quicker with age. I left school at 16, which means I've now been out of school longer than I was in it which is mad to think.