Wednesday, November 3, 2010

i get pretty emotional thinking about how brief this stage is...how in a blink my newborn turned to a babbling baby and i know in another blink he will be a toddler. i try to really enjoy these days....but he is changing before my eyes so fast...and i just love everything about him right now. well....almost everything. oh! let's make lists.

What i LOVE right now about Milo:-the way he always reaches out to gently cup my face in his hands-how he fits easily in my arms and on my lap-he is not so heavy that i can't carry him around-if i put him down on the floor with some toys he stays there and happily plays-this list will get very long so lets move on to.....

What i DO NOT LOVE right now about Milo:-biting while nursing-scratching my face off with his tiny claw hands and bear trap fists-those same fists in my hair, around earrings

I started giving him small amounts of Oat Cereal (rice cereal just makes me think of paste...not sure if oat is really much better, but it sounds better...right?) at 5 months. i mix it with a little warm water and some fruit/veggie puree. i have made applesauce, pears, sweet potatoes...and i also have bought some of the organic hippie baby food (no, i do not and WILL NOT use gerber, yes i know i am a crazy hippie....but seriously..GMI's? no thanks)....his favorite so far is "peach banana oatmeal" which is technically a stage 2 for 6 months and up. gasp! breaking rules! anyway, he is now pretty good at eating and most of it actually goes down his throat instead of back out and down his chin, into his hands, spread all over his face, table, clothes, me, my clothes...he even motor boated once after a huge bite....and it sprayed all OVER MY FACE. luckily, i wasn't wearing makeup and i was still in my pajamas i had been wearing for, oh 3 months, and so i just wiped it off with my shirt. WIN!

other glamorous things:

-i am not sure how it works, but i am at my pre-pregnancy weight and have been for awhile...but i have this huge, gross, jiggly, FAT, mass in my middle. this can't even be called a tummy. it is so far beyond a jiggly tummy. it is just so weird and unattractive and makes no sense. if i were to take a picture of just my middle and have you guess "how much does this woman weigh?" you would guess 250lbs. so i guess i must just have silly looking twig legs, average sized arms and head, and the torso of an elephant. because of this, i thought i would try a fad diet. i am an all or nothing type of dieter. i don't do well with limitations or moderation. so i decided to try the caveman diet...cutting dairy, soy, corn, wheat, rice, sugar....so everything except meat, most veggies and fruit. and the meat is supposed to be all fancy grass fed, hormone free, free range, happy frolicking, live in the countryside at a spa before it is gently murdered. This diet made me pretty angry....after about day 4. WHAT THE FUCK. i seriously do not understand how and why anyone would want to live like this. sure, as a cleanse....it was fine. BUT LIFE IS NOT WORTH LIVING WITHOUT: cheeseburgers, chocolate chip cookies, and butter. NOT WORTH LIVING. this realization was pretty profound. i will keep the weird chub loaf around my middle if it means i get to enjoy a hot chocolate and a sugar cookie. i refuse to "change my relationship with food" in order to be a cavewoman...and i get that maybe my body is supposed to be a machine and only needs fuel to survive while i am grunting and running from bears and trying to figure out fire....but guess what....I AM NOT A FUCKING CAVEWOMAN! i am a very, very, modern, butter loving fattie and i am OK WITH THAT!

after i failed the caveman diet i found myself in a funk for about a day. i did a lot of thinking and eating....and i have decided that i just need a makeover!! i need to wax my eyebrows because it has been...2 years? since my last wax. i am also going to get a crazy new haircut next week. crazy even for this bleached blond pixie girl. that's right....CRAZY. i think part of my funk is this: i am getting old. things are not as cute anymore. where before i could go put on some hot heels and a fun dress and lip gloss and instantly feel better about myself after failing a fad diet....now i....well, i still try that but i look pretty silly. all the sudden i look like i am trying too hard. it feels sort of.....pathetic. so instead i will wax my eyebrows and get a shaggy mohawk.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Friday, October 15, 2010

On one hand.... This bothers me. I don't need to be reminded. I don't like that I was going along... Happily enjoying my Friday and something was on facebook and then bam! I am forced to think about something unpleasant, something tragic. And do we really need awareness? Isn't it just another tragic part of life? Aren't we aware enough?

And then the other hand is.... I felt lost. I felt horribly alone. Not because they don't happen. Not because i wasn't aware it could happen to me.... But because NO ONE likes to talk about it. Because it hurts. And it scares the shit out of people.

Anyway. Today it is a crisp, sunny, fall day. The leaves are yellow and the sky the brightest blue. My baby boy and I are under a blanket, belly to belly. Every single day I look at him, and my chest feels full. Like I might explode. The tears fall and the love pours out. I look at him and think "I wanted you so much, and it was worth all the pain along the way". I look at him and feel totally happy, totally in love. And every single day I remember the babies that didn't stay. The two potential children I had for moments in my belly. I think about them and wonder what they would have looked like...I remember the pain and heartbreak of saying goodbye. Every. Single. Day. I think about them because they were on my journey to here... In a cozy bed with Milo.

So, I don't need a month for awareness. But I do hope it helps women talk about their losses.

milo is 5 months! he has 2 teeth that just poked through...so lots of high pitched pterodactyl sounds fill the house. he also stopped sleeping through the night for about a week...which was awesome. what else....he is amazing and a joy and very noisy.

enough about him....let's talk about me. i had a root canal. then my brother in law came to stay with us for a month. i also have a broken bottomless stomach. i am never full and always want to binge on crap. this may sound cute or fun...but it is gross and a bit horrifying....even for me. i think my husband has actually started hiding food from me...because i am like a vulture and will pick the pantry clean. i can eat an entire bag of chocolate covered pretzels in 5 minutes. ready.....go!

(milo has just reached a new level of scream. it is now so high pitched it is silent and all the dogs in the neighborhood are freaking the fuck out and my ears are bleeding)

last thing before i go....

the bumbo seat....you know where it says something like...don't put on elevated surfaces.....yeah...follow that advice. even if you are right there. even if it is in the center of the island in the kitchen while you are making a delicious fall soup. even if you are talking to the baby about safe things and soft surfaces.....your baby could suddenly...with no warning and no previous escape attempts....arch his back, fling himself out, flip in the air and land on the FLOOR. then there will be silence. then a horrible scream and you will cry and examine every inch of your baby looking for broken things or blood or brain injuries. it will be all your fault.

just don't do it. keep it on the nice soft floor....surrounded by blankets, foam and bubble wrap.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Friday, August 27, 2010

Just poured myself a celebratory second cup of coffee and am blogging in a silent house because the boy is napping in his crib. Why is this a big deal, you ask? Doesn't he always nap? Well, here is the deal. Milo naps, yes. Milo needs lots of rocking, shushing, back rubbing, nursing....and most importantly, Milo prefers to nap in our bed, with me beside him. Yes, i know this is my own damn fault. Yes, I know I am a lousy mom and dumb and doing everything wrong. Yes I know all the damage caused by attachment parenting and I know those kids that are sleep trained, weaned, take pacifiers, ride in strollers, sit in disposable diapers, get 13 vaccines at once and NAP by themselves are all going to be doctors and lawyers and Milo will be cleaning toilets begging for his mom to rub his back. Yes, yes, yes. I know!!! Ok.....so anyway......today, I put him down in his crib.....awake.....turned on his lil music elephant......left the room.....and HOLY shit people!! He is asleep! Don't worry, he is in a crib with bumpers (hazard!) toys (not toys! He could suffocate!) a cute accent pillow ( what?! Gasp!) blankets, razorblades, plastic bags, gasoline, lighters, and no, he is not swaddled in some trendy swaddling bullshit sack. Yes, I am still a failure of a mom, a silly hippy who smells like falafel, breastfeeds in public and refuses to use Johnson& johnson products.

Oh hi poor neglected blog! I know I swore I wouldn't do exactly what I did...but that is life with an infant, I suppose. Well....an infant, and a move. And it is summer. And I find blogging on the iPad a pain in the ass. I know, enough excuses....

Moving with a baby during the hottest weekend of the summer.....pretty amazing. The universe has a funny way of saying "fuck you, Dana"....like I just went to Ikea and bought a couch and when I got home there was a coupon in the mailbox for $25 off at ikea if you spend over $250. Which I did. I know it is incredibly selfish to think the universe cares enough about me to control when I get a coupon. This happens to be my main issue with religion. It all seems very selfish....like god would give a crap about me and my dinky little "problems".... That I would even assume he/she/it would hear my pleas for better weather or a safe flight or to find my missing fave t-shirt....even for my fathers health in the middle of cancer scare 2008, seems so completely silly when the earth has issues like mass rape/ murder/ genocide/ starvation/ war/ hate/ torture.....drought.... Fires......floods.....earthquakes....nevermind the fact that I simply find it hard to rationalize believing in the invisible...

Whoa!! I step away from blogging for a minute and look what happens! I need to focus.

So Milo is a baby with very immediate needs. He is very vocal about these needs. He also prefers being held, constant new things to look at, and will not take a bottle. He must nurse every couple hours, for at least a couple minutes or else his head will explode. He has blue eyes, loves water and bath time, hates carseats, and has a smile that has made me burst into tears a number of times. Oh boy does he make my heart grow daily.

I also have a new appreciation for my mother, who I would die without. Or at least I would be out of my noggin, babbling in the corner.... Or I would be shit faced drunk all the time. But no....thanks to my mom....I get stuff done...like shower weekly.

We still cosleep. Still love cloth diapers. We moved and I didn't have a nervous breakdown. I am madly in love with my husband, my dramatic, sassy little girl, my chubby thighed baby boy, my beautiful new house with a front porch, garden and nook, and really......life has never been so good.

Friday, June 4, 2010

on top is his night dipe, a blueberry mini...also the fluffiest because it is a pocket dipe with a double insert. but it fits great and holds a lot of pee.

then we have our xs thirstie aio. love these! they didn't fit until after 8 lbs though. now they fit great with room to grow.

last, one of my many xs bumgenious aio's. these have fit great since week one. they are running out of velcro over his tummy, but still fit and have never leaked or had any blowouts. (in fact, the only blowout we have had was with a disposable).

i tried a size small bumgenious on him a couple days ago and it is still a lil big. cant wait to try more of my stash!

ps i have no pics of the lil joey by rumparooz. it sucks. looks cute but holds nothing. don't waste your money on them.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I have been having some technical difficulties I won't bore anyone with....but a domino effect happened with the introduction of the iPad....resulting in two sick laptops in need of new operating systems.....

I still need to sync said iPad to my laptop (with upgraded system) in order to get my photos on here. And yes, it is a huge pain in the ass.

But the iPad is so new and hip and shiny!!!! And I look so cool tappa tappa tappa-ing on it! (remember that episode of Simpsons when Lisa was taking tap lessons and the only instructions the teacher would say were "tappa tappa tappa"? Because I do. And apparently I am one of those annoying people that quote Simpsons).

I will get to the baby, but first I have more important news. I ordered groceries from Amazon Fresh!!! They will be dropped off on my doorstep tomorrow morning!!! I don't even have to answer the door and, god forbid, interact with anyone! I don't have to cover my huge dripping breasts, I don't have to brush my teeth, I don't even have to brush the dreads out of my hair! I mean, this is amazing. Not only do I get out of driving to the store, but I don't even have to make eye contact with anyone!! AND I GET FREE CUPCAKES. Whoooboy.

*update* it was delivered this AM before I was out of bed! Just like Santa! And they even gave me flowers! I'm in love.

Milo is more adorable every minute. I swear he smiled at me today. And not one of his gassy smiles. Or one of those weird sleeping smiles with eyes rolling back. It was a real smile. He spit up a ton of milk. Looked right into my eyes and smiled. He is a genius. Obvs. And a brat for thinking that was a good time to flash me his first gummy smile.

We are loving cloth diapers and will post some baby in dipe pics as soon as I figure out the whole syncing business.

I also have his 2 week photos to post. Man, I am behind.

Fun stuff after having a baby:

- hemrroidal pads and HUGE maxi pads are on display in my bathroom and I don't care.- sometimes, if I think about peeing or simply turn on a faucet, I pee my pants. - ummm.... Night sweats. Awesome. Sometimes even my hair is wet.- I take 3 stool softeners a day and still don't poop. I am going to up my dose to 6 a day and see what happens. If you need me, I will be in the bathroom screaming for the next week.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

i am girl who likes cake. i also like dresses and vases full of flowers. i have had a hole in my heart. this is was about filling that hole.

now my heart is full....and getting fuller.

journey so far...

aug 08 - start "not stopping" it from happening. also known as "sorta trying"oct 08 - first month of using opk's, FF chartingnov 08 - bfp at 11dpodec 08 - u/s at 6 weeks shows no heartbeatdec 23 - D&Cjan-march 09 - back to "sorta trying" but not really.may 09 - first month back using opk'sjuly 14- OMFG digital test says "pregnant"!!july 19, 2009-byebye to another hopeful pregnancy. another miscarriage....going to try again right away....Sept 11- bfp at 11dpo. hoping it sticks.Oct 6- we saw the heartbeat!Dec 22- IT'S A BOY!!!!!!!May 12, 2010- Milo is born on a beautiful sunny day in Seattle after a short yet mind blowingly painful all natural, drug free delivery.

August 2011- first PPAF (still BFing)

Oct 13- positive pregnancy test

Oct 24- Miscarriage #3

Nov 2011- on the bench

Feb 13 2012- bfp

Feb 15- bleeding, another MC, right?

Feb twentysomething- WRONG, blood test positive!

March 7- we have a heartbeat!!!!

May 24- GIRL!

blogs i read about women who are trying, have tried, are pregnant or have babies