Kokopelli's Mindwarp

Monday, April 13, 2009

Didn't get in to Loyola Marymount in LA.Still moving to LA with the gf, but going to be pursuing other avenues... namely being a working stiff of some sort.Will be applying for UCLA's playwriting program for Fall of '10 and possibly a few other schools for similar programs.I had more or less decided that I was alright with not going to school next year already, so this comes as no big surprise to me.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Setting:A White Scrim is down leaving just a little bit of the stage available for action “The 5th Annual HijiNKS Ensue Experience” projected on the scrim in bright colors as well as a convention type scene. A mic is on a mic stand off stage left. At Rise: As the lights rise, the projected ‘Master of Ceremonies’ announces- “Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to the Fifth Annual HijiNKs Ensue Experience! Please welcome the creator of HijiNKs Ensue- Joel Watson!” A loud round of applause that tapes off only when Joel has taken the stage and is wandering around with a microphone saying “Thank you Thank You!”

Joel

Thank you! Thank you all so much! You guys have been great! I really appreciate all of the support I’ve received from you Fancy Bastards over the years. Without you all, there would be no HijiNKS Ensue, and I would be still working at Sportsworld, and I would never have realized my dream.As most of you know, I started HijiNKS Ensue out of my apartment around 7 years ago. I had been working at a sporting goods store as a clerk when I decided to quit my job to focus exclusively on my comic. I hadn’t noticed before how much completely random stuff occurred in Texas that was both geek related and how much me and my friends were involved in the geekery that was around us. I’d been drawing off and on forever, it was not unusual for my friends to be hanging out while I just doodled around on my computer.The Scrim projection changes from the HE Experience convention scene to Joel’s apartment. Instead of just a plain wall behind the couch where Josh is sitting playing Mirror’s Edge there is a projection within the projection of Joel’s apartment. In this projection is the things that Joel is drawing on his tablet. We see Josh sitting on the couch with a peanut butter jar on his belly ridge while he plays his video game. The projection shows Joel drawing Josh doing just that. When Joel is done, the picture matches real life. The Scrim goes back down and it is the HE Experience convention scene again.

Joel (Con’t)

Let me back up… my friends and I had always been doing geeky stuff, dressing up as members of the Evil League of Evil, having weird experiences… We hung out all the time, doing crazy shit and I took advantage of our shenanigans…The projection for the HE Experience fades out as the comic and label appearsExcept for any practical furniture which should be multifunctional- the scene should be portrayed with projected comic type drawings of the given scene-On the back wall above the backdrops is written-“In which the gang tries out for the Evil League of Evil”- The comic is projected on a scrim that is in front of the playing area- the comic consists of a backdrop with three panels- One a swirly blue color, One a dirty street scene, and one a Mexican wrestling ring. We see Joel in the left panel with “Macromancer” written above him, Josh in the middle panel with “Bear Arms” written above him- Josh is saying ‘Pride can be Deadly’ and in the final panel is Eli as “LoLuchador” he says ‘kthnxbye!’ As the lights go up, so does the scrim to reveal the comic sans people projected on the wall behind the characters.At Rise:Eli is wearing a pair of tight wrestling type nylon pants, a Mexican wrestler’s mask, and a championship belt that says ‘I Can Haz Cheeseburger’

Eli

Tell me again why I have to wear this getup? I feel … [Fingers his mask and tight wrestling pants] Exposed…

Josh

‘Cause Joss Whedon said he would include a fan’s submission video for the Evil League of Evil in the commentary of Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog, and my friend lent me his camera for helping him on his porno shoot! And your costume isn’t any less revealing than what I wear on Saturday nights! So stop complaining or I’ll give you something even tighter!He Sets Up the camera and checks the music for their submission song through the sound system

Besides, us gays are extremely creative and skilled in costuming and music writing… our submission is going to be the best of all of them.

Joel enters from the bathroom dressed in a swirly black cloak type thing, and carrying both his Macbook and has his iphone clipped to his belt. He sees Eli and breaks out into a raucous laugh.

Because he didn’t have the body to be a Mexican Wrestler… and duh… you’re Mexican!

Eli

Racist assholes… you think… ‘Lets make the Mexican the wrestler!’ What if I wanted to be the Macromancer?

Josh

That’s what you get for having a mouth full of tacos when we’re picking roles… Now shut it and get ready. I’m going to go change.

Joel

[at Josh’s retreating back]Shouldn’t we have gotten him some kittens for the LolCat aspect of his evilness?

Joel plays with his laptop, getting it to emit various sounds and projecting colors.Eli adjusts himself in the pants and mask and plays with his championship belt- Still grumbling about his racially inspired costume and characterJosh returns, dressed in tight leather pants, leather studded straps crossing his chest crosswise, carrying an airsoft rifle painted black, an HRC sticker type tattoo on his left arm, he has shaved his beard into a friendly button chop style beard

Josh

No, because I’m allergic… for the billionth time. Alright, lets do this! The Evil League of Evil, here we come!

They all go and stand in front of their panel as the music swells.The Scrim drops again and the HE Experience logo is projected upon the white scrim. The scene returns to the convention hall at the HE-ExperienceJoel is continuing his story

Joel

I think the thing that just cemented my desire to quit my job and dedicate myself to the comic fulltime was when I finally realized that there was too much insanity in my life to not share it with the world

The lights fade down, and the projected scene changes to that of a sporting goods store. Above the counter it is written- “In which Joel realizes that his life is too crazy not to share” –before the characters enter the stage, we see the cartoon SCA nerds asking a cartoon Joel for a large number of racquet balls for their spears and arrows. The Scrim rises and we see the cartoon projected Sportsworld with Joel standing behind a counter reading a guitar magazine listening to Eli recount his evening of debauchery.A bell rings as a couple of nerdy type guys (mouth breather types) enter, as the bell rings, Joel like one of Pavlov’s dogs perks up and is instantly the diligent employee.

Joel Crosses SL to where the racquet balls are racked on shelves and returning behind the counter to ring up the SCANerds’ order.

Joel

You two big racquet ball players then? What’re all the balls for?

SCA-Nerd 1

Uh… no. We need them to put on the end of our spears and arrows.

Eli

Spears and arrows?

SCA-Nerd 2

Um… yeah!? For the SCA.

SCA- Nerd 2

Under his breath to Nerd 1Losers don’t know anything…

Joel

While ringing up the nerd’s purchaseWhat in the blazing fire of Mordor is the SCA?

SCA-Nerd 1

The Society for Creative Anachronism. The Kingdom of Ansteorra?! Any of this sounding familiar? We’re members of the Barony of the Stargate. Highly ranked actually…

Eli

Ok, I’m going to stop you there… those things coming out of your mouth? I believe that they MIGHT be words, but they’re not words that make any sense to us normal people… so can you nerdlings get out your dork to human dictionary and tell us in REAL PEOPLE words what you mean? You go through the Stargate with Lt. Col. Carter….mmm sexy scientist military chick… and you need racquet balls to go on missions with SG1? Gonna throw them at the Goa’uld?

SCA-Nerd 2

Not Stargate, the BARONY of the Stargate, which is the local group we belong to within the SCA! The Society for Creative Anachronism, or SCA, is an organization of like-minded individuals who enjoy getting together and experiencing life as we believe it would have been in 17th Century Europe.

SCA-Nerd 1

We have people who are craftspeople, knights, nobility… basically anything that you think of.

SCA-Nerd 1

When I joined, I bound myself to a mistress who was a tent-maker, I learned the craft of tent making and moved my way up the ranks.Currently…. I am a---

Eli

Hold on buddy. Bound yourself? Like BDSM shit? [To Joel] And you thought you had problems…. [back to Nerd] And really? Nobody here wants to listen to you talk about your Nerd-ville… We’re proper upstanding Geeks here, and we don’t have any tolerance for your type here. Now take your balls and leave.

SCA-Nerd 1

But….

Eli

OverdramaticallyI Said LEAVE!

The nerds scramble out of the store, almost forgetting to bring out their purchase- Eli and Joel restrain themselves from laughing hysterically, bursting out when the nerds are off stage. The Scrim falls again and the HE Experience setting is projected again- Joel is still telling the story of the success of HE

Joel

So after I quit my job and had started gaining some sort of success with the webcomic, I had a party to celebrate finally turning a profit. I had hoped for a simple party, we could play some Wii sports, watch a shitty movie, and I was sure that most people would probably get drunk- but as with most of our parties, things descended into utter chaos pretty rapidly….

Setting: On the Scrim it says: In which Joel throws a party. The Host’s LamentIn the comic we see Eli throwing a Wii controller through the plasma tv, Josh and Denise pouring their beer on the floor (really drunk) and a bloody stranger asking for hooker blood remover.The scrim goes up.At Rise:Everyone is drinking, playing Wii sports, and spilling drinks on the floor which angers Joel who is frantically trying to clean up everyone’s messes. There are two or three guys sitting on the couch with their laptops networking them together for a sort of adhoc LAN party.

Joel

Everyone! Could you please manage to not spill everything on the floor?

As Joel turns away to get more paper towels, Denise and Josh start pouring their beer on the floor- they are VERY drunk

Denise

Drinky drinky floor, you’re VERY thirsty. Yes you are… drink my beer!

Josh

Oh… its alright. Its alright to drink the beer, we won’t tell anyone. Shhh…. Its good for you… we know you like it… here have some more. That’s it, that’s right!

Joel returns from his paper towel quest, finds them doing this and forces them to stop.

Joel

What the FRAK are you guys doing? Stop that!! God, you’re like children! Worse than Children! This has all happened before, this will all happen again… at least its not the apocalypse this time.[To the LAN party guys]Why didn’t you stop them?[No Response]Hello?[Still no response]Why do I even try?

Then he turns and bumps into a bloody stranger who is tugging at his cuffs and trying to wipe blood from his face

Joel

Uhm… Hi. You enjoying the party?

Bloody Stranger

Looks shifty and wrings hands together, trying to wipe off the bloodYesh, yesh…. What do you have that gets hooker blood out?

Joel

[Frightened]Uh… I’m not sure… are you a friend of Eli’s?He looks frantically around for Eli who is nowhere in sight, but when he turns back, the bloody stranger is gone.

Joel (Con’t)

Weird…

Joel turns again and notices that Eli just threw a Wii controller through his flat screen.

Oh for the love of JoCo… what now? I cannot leave them alone… they’re like children. Really they are. This party was such a bad idea….

The lights fade out and the scrim goes down.The HE Experience Cartoon background is projected again. Joel continues his story.

Joel

Even when things were more or less calm in my life, my friends could always be counted on to do something crazy that I could take advantage of.

HE Experience projection fades- “In which Eli writes fanmail to Battlestar Galactica” appears on the scrim before it goes up. The Setting is Joel’s apartment on any afternoonAt rise:Joel is sitting on his couch playing his guitar. Eli is pawing through the mail

Joel

Hey Senor Eli. How’s it hanging?

Eli

Everything’s good, I got offered a job testing video games for Gearboxity- they pay me in Pizza! Has anything shown up for me here?

Joel

Uh nothing FOR you, but I have a “No Such address” that you sent to the Battlestar Galactica.

Eli

What? Give it here!He grabs at the mail on the coffee table searching for his letter They wouldn’t send it to the… wherever the fleet is?I put like 5 stamps on it! They should be able to send it across the galaxy for that! What am I paying for if they won’t send my mail?!

Joel

You have GOT to be shitting me! You cannot have thought that you could send a letter to a FICTIONAL ship on a TV show!

Eli

But I’m not interested in what the actors have to say… I’m more interested in the characters! I wanted STARBUCK’S autograph, not Katee Sackhoff’s.

Joel

You DON’T want Katee Sackhoff’s autograph? I think Josh has been right about you all along… you are a member of his FAMILY…But that still doesn’t explain why you were so stupid as to think that 5 stamps would constitute an intergalactic delivery fee.

Eli

The dude at the mail place…Snaps his fingers, trying to come up with the right words

Joel

You mean the Post Office?

Eli

Yes! The postal office worker dude… he DID give me a weird look when I asked about how much it would cost… but I didn’t expect he’d rip me off! (It just dawned on him) Dude RIPPED ME OFF!!

Joel

Well, what did you expect? I bet it’s not every day that he gets someone in there trying to mail something to space. Remember when those SCA Nerds came into Sportsworld for their ‘resplendent balls’?

Eli

…yes… why?

Joel

In this instance- you are the SCA Nerd to the postal worker’s me.

Eli

You cannot be comparing me to those mouthbreathers!!!

Joel

If the pocket protector fits…

Eli

You know… sometimes I fucking hate you.

Joel

What did you write to them anyways?

Eli

Go ahead… read it for yourself. Laugh it up fuzzball.

Joel

Takes the letter from Eli, tears it open and retrieves the letter from the envelope- the paper even has the corners cut off like on Battlestar Galactica.‘Dear Battlestar Galactica, you are the best show on television and you are my favorite show. When you find Earth, you should come to Dallas and hang out with me. I have an X-Box 360 and a PS3 and there are no Cylons- Cylon’s spelled incorrectly by the way. You spelled it S-I-L-O-N-S- Adama is cool, but Starbuck is cooler, and a girl.Do you want to be friends? Circle Yes or No’Are you some sort of retarded person? Not only did you try to mail a letter to a fictional ship on a tv show, instead of the set and characters itself, but your letter reads like something an elementary school student would write…The lights fade, the scrim goes down and a comic comes up, it is Eli writing a letter on paper that has had the corners cut off (just like on Battlestar Galactica) in one panel, the next is Eli trying to discover how much postage he would need to mail it to the Colonial Fleet (he thinks 4 or 5 stamps). And the last panel is a close up of the envelope addressed to The Colonial Fleet in outer space. Instead of Joel’s address, the return address is ‘Eli, Dallas Texas Earth’ then an arrow with a note saying “Its real! I Live here!”The HE Experience scene is projected on the scrim again as the comic fades away.

Joel

I was asked a year or so after the site went live to create an animated music video for Jonathan Coulton’s song “Re: Your Brains”- it was this music video that really cemented my position in online fame- such as it is.

The HE Experience Cartoon fades and the words “In which Jonathan Coulton is a Zombie trying to eat Joel”The Scrim rises and we see a cartoon office with a door in the middle of the stage. JONATHAN COULTON is a Zombie with a guitar on one side of the door. Joel is hiding under a table. On the wall behind Jonathan Coulton we see animated Zombies and zombie Josh, Eli and Denise.

Jonathan Coulton (JoCo)- Sings

Heya, Tom' it’s Bob from the office down the hallGood to see you, buddy; how’ve you been?Thing have been OK for me except that I’m a zombie nowI really wish you’d let us inI think I speak for all of us when I say I understandWhy you folks might hesitate to submit to our demandBut here’s an FYI: you’re all gonna die screaming

Denise Josh and Eli

All we want to do is eat your brainsWe’re not unreasonable; I mean, no one’s gonna eat your eyesAll we want to do is eat your brainsWe’re at an impasse here; maybe we should compromise:If you open up the doorsWe’ll all come inside and eat your brainsThe Song continues with animated zombies dancing and chewing on furniture and dead bodies.The Scrim goes back down to the HE Experience convention hall

Joel

After that music video came out, the site hits quadrupled, and my merchandise sales went through the roof. My fanbase now included not only my original Fancy Bastards, but now also some of Jonathan Coulton’s loyal fans were now rabid fans, demanding prints and tee shirts. The readers were clamoring for a venue where they could all come and meet me finally, and thus was born the HijiNKs Ensue Experience.I hope to keep being able to bring the same geeky hilarity to all of my loyal fans for many years to come. So thanks for coming and have a fantastic time! Stick around because the one and only Jonathan Coulton is going to be performing here with Paul and Storm in just one hour!Thanks again and …[The Audience (Sound Cue) joins in with him in chanting]“GODSPEED YOU FANCY BASTARDS!”The Lights Fade Leaving the HE Experience Projection glowing faintly on the scrim

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Sorry for a lack of formatting, I'm tired and busy.As you can see, the play has transformed into something completely different than before, now it is going to be more a series of connected vignettes tied together with the comic strip of action.My Advanced Playwriting Workshop class likes where its going, though I'm still having trouble getting the scenes to connect, or knowing where to start, or finish, or if there is going to be a major conflict throughout the play... Any thoughts would be appreciated.Also: I don't have a title yet.

On with the show!!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Setting:A soundstage type set up in Joel’s living room, an expensive camera, lights, and sound system are on one side of the stage pointing towards a backdrop with three panels- One a swirly blue color, One a dirty street scene, and one a Mexican wrestling ring.At Rise:Eli is wearing a pair of tight wrestling type nylon pants, a Mexican wrestler’s mask, and a championship belt that says ‘I Can Haz Cheeseburger’Josh is setting up a camera and testing signals and connectionsEliTell me again why I have to wear this getup? I feel … [Fingers his mask and tight wrestling pants] Exposed…JoshYou’ll thank me when we’re on the Dvd extras for Dr Horrible! Joss Whedon said he would include a fan’s submission video for the Evil League of Evil in the commentary of Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog, and my friend lent me his camera for helping him on his porno shoot![He Sets Up the camera and checks the music for their submission song through the sound system]Besides, us gays are extremely creative and skilled in costuming and music writing… our submission is going to be the best of all of them.Joel enters from the bathroom dressed in a swirly black cloak type thing, and carrying both his Macbook and has his iphone clipped to his belt. He sees Eli and breaks out into a raucous laugh.

JoelGood god Eli! I think Lol Luchador is you, not the other way around. Way to go on these costumes Josh. Think we’ve got enough practice on the song?JoshOh… I kinda thought we’d just use the voices on the tape… you guys are kinda… not good at singing… you guys can lipsync right?Eli and Joel look at eachother quizzically and shrug.EliHow hard can it be?JoshAlright… I’m going to go put on my costume, you two… just… don’t touch anything.Joel[at Josh’s retreating back]Hey! Its my apartment! … [After a moment’s thought and hearing the bathroom door open] Don’t destroy my bathroom!Joel plays with his laptop, getting it to emit various sounds and projecting colors.Eli adjusts himself in the pants and mask and plays with his championship beltJosh returns, dressed in tight leather pants, leather studded straps crossing his chest crosswise, carrying an airsoft rifle painted black, an HRC sticker type tattoo on his left arm, he has shaved his beard into a friendly button chop style beardJoshAlright, lets do this! The Evil League of Evil, here we come!They all go and stand in their respective stuff- the sign over Joel’s head reads “The Macromancer” Josh stands in the middle, his sign says “Bear Arms”, and Eli stands on the right, his sign says “Lol Luchador” The music starts to play and the lights fade out. As the lights fade out, the comic of this scene is projected on the back wall while the scene changes.Setting:Joel’s living room, it’s a party. Everyone is drinking, playing Wii sports, and spilling drinks on the floor which angers Joel who is frantically trying to clean up everyone’s messes.JoelEveryone! Could you please manage to not spill everything on the floor?As Joel turns away to get more paper towels, Denise and Josh start pouring their beer on the floor, they are VERY VERY drunk.DeniseDrinky drinky floor, you’re VERY thirsty. Yes you are… drink my beer!JoshOh… its alright. Its alright to drink the beer, we won’t tell anyoneJoel returns from his paper towel quest, finds them doing this and forces them to stop. Then he turns and is confronted with a bloody strangerBloody StrangerYesh, yesh…. What do you have that gets hooker blood out?Joel[Frightened]Uh… I’m not sure… are you a friend of Eli’s?He looks frantically around for Eli who is nowhere in sight, but when he turns back, the bloody stranger is gone.Joel (Con’t)Weird…

The Setting:Joel’s apartment, a large drawing table is center, there are stacks of papers everywhere, crumpled failed drawings, as well as successful completed strips which are tacked on the wall. On Stage Right is a Computer desk where Joel’s Mac and several microphones are set up, next to the table is his amp rack and his electric guitars and basses which have their own stands. Stage Left is a large comfortable yet worn couch.At Rise:Joel is sprawled on the couch, he looks disheveled, like he hasn’t slept well in a couple of days, on top of him is a large sketch pad and several crumpled pieces of paper. There is detritis of a few weeks’ lack of cleaning and takeout scattered over the floor and on virtually every flat surface. The doorbell rings- shocking Joel awake.JoelStartled, just waking upWha? Wasn’t sleeping!

Recognizes that there’s no one there, that it’s the door that woke him-Loudly yet groggilyJoel (Con’t) I’m coming! I’m coming… hang on!He crosses to the door Stage Left and opens it to reveal Eli, Denise, and Josh- they push past Joel and enter his apartment.EliGood God Man! What have you been doing here? It smells like the inside of a gym locker that’s been left out in the sun for a couple weeks!JoelWell I’m sorry its not cleaner, I wasn’t exactly expecting visitors… I’ve been kinda busy.Joel crosses back to his drawing table, seating himself behind it and chugging the contents of one of the open cans while looking frustrated at the interruption. He picks up a pencil and starts drawing again.What’s going on?EliWell since we hadn’t heard from you in weeks, we started getting worried. Well, Denise got worried, she was fretting something awful… I Told her that you were most likely ok…DeniseI most certainly did NOT … He was the one who was all “oh no! what if Joel is hurt or lying in a ditch somewhere?”EliShut up I did not.JoshAww Eli…I always knew that you had a thing for Joel![To no one in particular] Two more recruits and I get a toaster oven…Josh locates a half eaten jar of peanut butter and some crackers. He plops on the couch, placing the peanut butter on a ridge of his belly, props his feet up and starts watching the tv and texting on his iPhone. Denise[Ignoring Josh] Despite what these two knuckleheads would have you believe, we were actually worried since we hadn’t heard from you. Is everything alright?

JoelYeah, everything’s fine, I’ve just been working on my comic.EliWe went by Sportsworld, manager says you left without notice three weeks ago! He never even gave you your last paycheck! What’s going on man? You quit your job?!JoelI couldn’t keep working there. I had to get out, work on something meaningful! Sportsworld was killing me, smothering my potential…JoshAround a mouthful of peanut butter and crackersI can see that, you wanted to take control of your life, create your own destiny…make something meaningful out of your life!!!Eli[To Josh]God… You’re so gay!!!![To Joel] But what about your responsibilities? You’re always bitching about this or that or some such… what made you change your mind?JoelI figured I’d give myself a chance to prove to myself that I could make my life what I want it to be… I just… couldn’t stand working at that stupid store for ever if I never tried to make something out of my life, to do what I want! If I’m going to fail at life, I’d rather fail at doing something I’m passionate about than fail at being a minimum wage racquet ball jockey!

DeniseWell, show us what you’ve got at least. What’s your comic about?JoelI tried to turn all the shit I encountered at Sportsworld into a full length comic, but it became obvious that I didn’t have enough material, and I had no hope in getting it published at all, so I’ve decided to try to do an online comic, like a weekly type thing.They move over towards his computer and Joel starts opening picture files. As he opens files, they are projected on the wall behind them.Joel (Con’t)And my time at Sportsworld had a couple things happen that I could write about, but for the most part I’m going to write jokes about things I find important, I mean, we all are proper upstanding geeks, and we like to talk all the time about things… I figured, I find us amusing, perhaps other people would think we’re as funny as I think we are… I can’t explain it very well, just take a look. Its not a complete comic, but just an idea of something I’m thinking of using.The file that Joel opens is one of a cartoon Josh sitting on the couch next to Joel, a peanut butter jar perched on his belly (as it is on the real life Josh sitting on the couch ignoring what is going on on Joel’s computer screen), eating crackers dipped in peanut butter. Eli and Denise see the picture, look over at Josh, look back at the computer, and shrug at eachother (its nothing new to them). DeniseThat’s really cool![Looks over at Josh]You really captured the essence of Josh, with all of his … Joshness.Josh gets up off the couch and crosses the stage to see what they’re talking about. He snorts in appreciation at the comic image of himself on the couch, and returns to the couch where he pulls out his iPhone and starts texting people.EliAnd so true to life! Yet hilarious when seen in comic form. Let’s see what else you have…Joel clicks through several more files, different poses of Josh, Eli, Joel, and Denise all show up on the projection. JoelWell anyway, that’s just a couple of my ideas. I figure that I write and draw the comics based on the geek related things in the world that occur, find a way to make it all about us, and put them up on my own website!EliSounds like you’ve got it all thought out… but how are you going to make money at this? Advertising?JoelSome, but I figured I could also design tee shirts and sell them through either an Etsy or Yahoo store.[Pause]Denise and Eli look at each other. Josh continues to eat peanut butter and crackers while texting on his phone.Joel (Con’t)Look guys, I don’t plan to become a millionaire doing this, but I figure, there is a market for this kind of stuff! I mean, how many times have you been on a forum somewhere and thought that someone said something funny, or that there was something funny about a news article?There’s a market for just about anything out there, and since George Lucas can still make millions of dollars off of the franchise he ruined with the prequels and his internalized racism made external by Jar Jar Binks, I figure I can make enough money to live in Texas.And if it takes off enough, I might be able to do a podcast or something where all of us can participate in talking about things we find amusing, or bad, or whatever!

Joel (Con’t)We can talk about shitty movie night, and suggest shitty movies for people to watch, or … give suggestions as to what kind of movies to see… the sky is the limit with the internet and what you can do with it.Josh[Finally participating in the conversation]What are you going to call it? Any ideas?JoelI was thinking of calling it ‘HijiNKS ENSUE’- the i’s and j lower case every thing else capitalized… that way there’s the three dots right in a row… with this font it looks awesome.He brings up another file which is projected on the wall of the stage with the logo he’s designed.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Sportsworld, a sporting goods store, located in the southern coastal area of Texas

Characters:

Joel- a clerk at the sporting goods store who has to deal with the idiocy of the customers on a daily basis.Eli- Joel’s best friend who’s constantly hanging out at the store, talking with Joel while he’s working, and passing judgement on the other customersDenise- a girl Eli met at a party, the rare and elusive girl geekJosh- A friend of Eli and Denise who works at Gearboxity with Denise, a big gamer The lights come up on Joel, a shaggy haired kid in his late teens standing behind a counter, perusing a guitar magazineA bell rings as a door opens, and in walks Eli SL who greets Joel

Eli

Yo Loser! You missed a HELL of a party yesterday… Josh was there and he had lots of … you know… inspiration. Might be just what you need to finally finish that comic you’ve been writing for what… since high school?

Joel

While I appreciate your attempts to (with finger quotes) “encourage” me to finish my GRAPHIC novel… I don’t think weed from some dude you just met at some party is the answer. I just… (Sighs) I dunno… I just need something to happen to me, something new … something less stupid and … Texan.

Eli

Dude… not another rant about how things suck in Texas…

The door opens again and a couple of nerdy type guys (mouth breather types) enter, as the bell rings, Joel like one of Pavlov’s dogs perks up and is instantly the diligent employee.

Giving Eli, who’s trying to stifle a raucous laugh, a “do you see what kind of idiots I have to deal with” look

Nerd 2

Well, we’re looking for rubber balls that are… y’know…

Joel

… Solid? (Finishing the sentence for Nerd 2)

Nerd 1

Exactly! Do you have anything like that?

Joel

We have racquet balls… I think they’re solid.

Nerd 2

Resplendent! Might we purchase a large number?

Joel Crosses SL to where the racquet balls are racked on shelves and returning behind the counter to ring up the Nerds’ order.

Joel

Do you two even PLAY racquet ball?

Nerd 1

Uh… no. We need them to put on the end of our spears and arrows.

Eli

Spears and arrows?

Nerd 2

Matter of FactlyUm… yeah!? For the SCA.

Under his breath to Nerd 1

Losers don’t know anything…

Joel

While ringing up the nerd’s purchase

What in the blazing fire of Mordor is the SCA?

Nerd 1

The Society for Creative Anachronism. The Kingdom of Ansteorra?! Any of this sounding familiar? We’re members of the Barony of the Stargate. Highly ranked actually…

Eli

Ok, I’m going to stop you there… those things coming out of your mouth? I believe that they MIGHT be words, but they’re not words that make any sense to us normal people… so can you nerdlings get out your dork to human dictionary and tell us in REAL PEOPLE words what you mean? You go through the Stargate with Lt. Col. Carter….mmm sexy scientist military chick… and you need racquet balls to go on missions with SG1? Gonna throw them at the Goa’uld?

Nerd 2

Not Stargate, the BARONY of the Stargate, which is the local group we belong to within the SCA! The Society for Creative Anachronism, or SCA, is an organization of like-minded individuals who enjoy getting together and experiencing life as we believe it would have been in 17th Century Europe.

Nerd 1

We have people who are craftspeople, knights, nobility… basically anything that you think of.

Nerd 2

When I joined, I bound myself to a mistress who was a tent-maker, I learned the craft of tent making and moved my way up the ranks.Currently…. I am a---

Eli

Hold on buddy. Bound yourself? Like BDSM shit? [To Joel] And you thought you had problems…. [back to Nerd] And really? Nobody here wants to listen to you talk about your Nerd-ville… We’re proper upstanding Geeks here, and we don’t have any tolerance for your type here. Now take your balls and leave.

Nerd 1

But….

Eli

Overdramatically

I Said LEAVE!

The nerds scramble out of the store, almost forgetting to bring out their purchase- Eli and Joel restrain themselves from laughing hysterically, bursting out when the door has swung shut behind the nerds.

Joel

Oh my god, I can’t believe you did that! Did you see the little one? He looked like he was about to piss himself!

Eli

Well, that’s what they get for being so lame.

Joel

I’m not sure that we’re the best judge on what’s lame and what isn’t. I mean, you went to a party last night where you did what, got high and played Gears of War? And I’m still here, selling racquet balls to Anachra-nerds who use them in their role playing reenactment whatchamacallit, still unable to do anything meaningful with my life. I could be out there doing something useful, something fulfilling, not being a wage monkey for ‘the man’…

Eli

Dude! You’re so White you CANNOT say ‘the man’ in reference to your job. C’mon! Goddamn it, stop putting yourself down! You’re only 19 man, you’re not supposed to have your life figured out yet, and those who say that they do know what they want… they’re lying, to you or to themselves!

Joel

Bewildered and amazed at this flow of wisdom coming from Eli

And its Yoda! (Adopting a Yoda like voice) … Size Matters Not… Life Become more interesting Yours will soon HMMM?!

Eli

Shut up.

The bell rings again, and this time enters a girl- Denise

Denise

Hey Retail Bitches… sell anything interesting today?

Joel

Please don’t get me started on the idiots who come in here…

Denise

Woah woah woah… Its just an expression… You guys up for a shitty movie night this weekend? I’ve got Samurai Cop

Joel

I have to work Saturday til close, and I guess I’m available after that… god knows my comic isn’t going anywhere…

Eli

I’m in. You already call Josh?

Denise

He’s got a… does he call them dates? Or does he call them tricks?

Not waiting for an answer

He’s got plans. But my sister Nikki’s going to be there, she’s home for break.

Eli

Is your sister hot?

She slaps him upside the head

Denise

Don’t go getting your perve on with my sister… she’s not even close to your league…

Eli

Alright alright

Defensively, then changing the topic

Hey… what do Vegan Zombies want to eat?

Joel

Muttering to himself

Not again…..

Denise

Uh…. I don’t know… Tofu?

Eli

As if it’s the best thing he’s ever saidNo… GRAAAAAINNNZZZZ!!!!(Pause)

No one says anything he continues talking

Get it? Grains? … cause they don’t eat meat….

When he realizes that nobody’s laughing

Nevermind. (Mutters) Philistines.

Denise

Muttering to herselfI can’t believe I got drunk enough to sleep with him… what was I thinking?!

Joel

Overhearing this and quickly changing thing the subject

So Denise… How’s things at work? You got that new job right?

Denise

Eh, a job’s a job. Its nothing special…

Eli

Oh that’s not true, I heard from Josh that you work at Gearboxity? Is that right? I’d give my eye teeth to work there…Did you work on the new Band of Brother’s game?

Denise

Oh I wish, but no. I’m not a designer or programmer, I just, I’m not sure exactly what my job description is, but I don’t have really anything to do with the games.

Eli

Man, I wish I could be a fly on the wall of their design meetings, all that sweet sweet secret early game ness….. MMMM

Joel

Gives Eli a pointed look

Dude… now YOUR nerd is showing. Maybe you should go take care of that.

Eli

Glowers at Joel

I hate you

He leaves off SR

Denise

So you like working at Sportsworld?

Joel

Nah, it pays the bills, but really I want to write a graphic novel and get it published.

Ok, really I’ve been working on this for years and have no idea what I want to write it about. I’ve got lots of ideas, but nothing that turns into a whole story.

Denise

Well, what are some of your ideas? What are you interested in? The best way to write is to write what you know. So what is it that you know?

Joel has a thoughtful look on his face that lasts only a few minutes before he notices something off stage right

Joel

Oh shit… he didn’t!

We see what he’s talking about, Eli has returned on stage, he’s standing in a shopping cart, he’s pushing himself along at a fairly brisk speed with a hockey stick that he’s using to direct the cart (much in the way of a Venetian Gondolier)

Eli

COMING THROUGH!!!!

He crashes off the opposite side of the stage, portable shelving and sports equipment falls onstage where he went off. Eli staggers back on stage grinning widely to the audience. Denise rushes towards him, concerned. Joel just stands behind the counter shaking his head.

Denise

Oh my god! Are you alright?

Eli

Totally playing his ‘injuries’ up

HSSS… I think I’ve OW… hurt my ankle… oh yeah HSSSSS….

She helps him limp over towards the counter, he winks at Joel who sighs and buries his head in his hands. Denise is fussing over him.

Joel

AH, he’s faking it! He always does this with girls he thinks are cute. He fakes some injury and they feel all sorry for him and eventually end up sleeping with him.

Denise

Jerkwad! I can’t believe you did that!

She slaps Eli across the back of the head again and she continues muttering to herself as she leaves the store off stage left. The door chime dings again as the door opens.

Eli

Dude! The first rule of manhood! ‘Thou shalt not cockblock thy brother for thou wouldst not like him to cockblock you.’ She might have been THE ONE! Well the one again…

Joel

Yeah, she MIGHT have been the one, just like Amanda might have been the one, and Julie, and what was that girl with the pierced lady parts’s name?

Eli

Natalie. I’d forgotten about Natalie…

gets a wistful, dreamy look on his face

Joel

DUDE! Can you NOT relive your perverted hook ups in front of me? Please?!

Eli

Just cause you haven’t gotten any in … how long is it now?

Joel

Shut up. Just because I haven’t had any in a while is not a reason why I wouldn’t want to listen to you recount your sexual conquests!

Joel shoves away from the counter and heads toward SL where Eli crashed the cart and starts picking up the mess.

Eli

Something’s crawled up your asshole…. Figure it out. I’ll leave you to it.

Eli passes Joel who’s picking up boxes of tennis balls and gym socks putting them in the overturned shopping cart and leaves through the door, the chime sounding as he leaves the stage. Joel rights the shopping cart, shoves it away from him he tears off his nametag, throwing it on the counter and storming out the door after Eli. Once the stage is empty the lights fade.

The Setting:

Joel’s apartment, an large drawing table is center, there are stacks of papers everywhere, crumpled failed drawings, as well as successful completed strips which are tacked on the wall. On Stage Right is a Computer desk where Joel’s Mac and several microphones are set up, next to the table is his amp rack and his electric guitars and basses which have their own stands. Stage Left is a large comfortable yet worn couch.

At Rise:

Joel is sprawled on the couch, he looks disheveled, like he hasn’t slept well in a couple of days, on top of him is a large sketch pad and several crumpled pieces of paper. There are empty pizza boxes and takeout containers all over the floor, and copious amounts of empty energy drink cans. We hear the doorbell ring which shocks Joel awake.

Joel

Startled, just waking up

Wha? Wasn’t sleeping!

Recognizes that there’s no one there, that it’s the door that woke him-Loudly yet groggily

I’m coming! I’m coming… hang on!

Mutters to himself

This better be good, I was on a roll…

He crosses to the door Stage Left and opens it to reveal Eli, Denise, and another guy, a slightly over weight bald guy named Josh- they push past Joel and enter his apartment.

Eli

Good God Man! What have you been doing here? It smells like the inside of a gym locker that’s been left out in the sun for a couple weeks!

Joel

Well I’m sorry its not cleaner, I wasn’t exactly expecting visitors… I’ve been kinda busy.

Joel crosses back to his drawing table, seating himself behind it and chugging the contents of one of the open cans while looking frustrated at the interruption. He picks up a pencil and starts drawing again.

What’s going on?

Eli

Well since we hadn’t heard from you in weeks, we started getting worried. Well, Denise got worried, she was fretting something awful… I Told her that you were most likely ok…

Denise

I most certainly did NOT … He was the one who was all “oh no! what if joel is hurt or lying in a ditch somewhere?”

Eli

Shut up I did not.

Josh

Aww Eli…I always knew that you had a thing for Joel! [To no one in particular] Two more recruits and I get a toaster oven…

Denise

[Ignoring Josh] Despite what these two knuckleheads would have you believe, we were actually worried since we hadn’t heard from you. Is everything alright?

Joel

Yeah, everything’s fine, I’ve just been working on my comic.

Eli

We went by Sportsworld, manager says you left without notice three weeks ago! He never even gave you your last paycheck! What’s going on man? You quit your job?!

Joel

I couldn’t keep working there. I had to get out, work on something meaningful! Sportsworld was killing me, smothering my potential…

Josh

I can see that, you wanted to take control of your life, create your own destiny…make something meaningful out of your life!!!

Eli

[To Josh]God… You’re so gay!!!! [To Joel] But what about your responsibilities? You’re always bitching about this or that or some such… what made you change your mind?

Joel

I figured I’d give myself a chance to prove to myself that I could make my life what I want it to be… I just… couldn’t stand working at that stupid store for ever if I never tried to make something out of my life, to do what I want! If I’m going to fail at life, I’d rather fail at doing something I’m passionate about than fail at being a minimum wage racquet ball jockey!