I am just now starting to write my story too. I know what you mean about not knowing if it's helping. In some ways it seems to be counterproductive, in that it is dragging up old memories I thoughtI had put to bed long ago. I guess I hadn't...

Keep plugging along as they say.Peter.

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"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." -Daliai Lama

i wrote my story at my therapist's request and at first i didn't like where it was taking me. but in the end it made a huge difference in my progress. sure, it stirred up some long-dormant memories and brought some to the surface that were well-buried (but not dead!) but it also helped me put together some things and understand lots of the dynamics in my family and social setting that made lots of sense once i get it figured out. so - my suggestion is - keep at it. i think it will be worth your time and effort.

Lee

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"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

I've only been on board a couple weeks. If nothing else, it's reassuring to know there are lots of us guys out there. So, welcome!

One piece of advice I took to heart was not to read too many posts at once.

The other comment I have is about counseling. It seems likely to me that as a surivor of CSA you may have access to free counseling in your community, an option I've had to explore myself. In my case, it's provided by county government and they have therapists experienced in CSA. (My understanding, too, is that whatever is said in session is covered under medical privacy laws...which is very important to me).

It's only been a few days since I made the inquiry and they took some very basic information from me. So I can't tell you about the quality of therapy yet.

Again, Buffalo, I can't say I'm glad you're here - none of us is particularly GLAD to be here - but glad you showed up.

Does anyone else feel like there are questions you can't get the answers to because you don't even know the questions? People get mad at me or annoyed because I can't share details about me. Keeping stuff to my self is the only way I've ever stayed partly safe, and I'm afraid to share. Sharing triggers me bad and that makes me more afraid, and I don't know how to sort it out. I know it's a trust thing, but how can you ever get to the point where you trust fully? That risks loosing what good there is left in me I think, and if I lose that what happens next. This process bites, but at least I know I'm better then I was before, but how I'm better is something I'm not even sure of and I don't know how it can end.

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�We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.� - Plato

And when something triggers you why don't people get that? I am learning about triggers here but it seems like sometimes you say "trigger" and it goes over people. I fear learning more about triggers because I don't know how many I have. Maybe learning about them helps you deal with them, my former T told me something like that. I guess you can't ignore them. I hate confusion and not understanding so much sorry.

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�We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.� - Plato

Hey Buffalo, just take it easy. Don't push yourself to anything. You have to feel good and safe to disclose your issues. Please follow your inner feelings no matter what others could think/say. I didn't have such problems. However I couldn't talk openly about some my problems related to watching porn, so I've found one good buddy and trough PMs I discussed everything that bothered me with him. I've felt huge relief after that.Just write and talk about something that is not so troublesome and take your time!!!!Pero (Igor)

One of the things that you're feeling, Buffalo, is that your inner defense mechanisms are on high alert because of the abuse. It makes it more difficult for us to share or be like the normals because they don't understand that we're constantly on-guard against something that is invisible to them.

I am able now to recognize when I am feeling something that is irrational. That is, I understand that I'm not in danger but my body is gearing up for fight-or-flight, looking for exits, body temp rising, heart racing, etc.

While I know this is irrational, I also can't help it. So, it becomes a process of respecting that inner warning mechanism but also letting it know that things are OK now, mostly, and that it can calm down if it wants to.

Don't worry about the normals not understanding about triggers. They don't get it and won't get it because they aren't triggered like we are. That's what MS is for and what Therapy is for, and group therapy if you can find it.

I just found a local group therapy spot that isn't exactly what I'm looking for -- but just being able to talk to a group about the issues we keep bottled up inside us is very helpful.

Until you get back into T or into a group, we are here for you and will always be here for you. Because you are our brother.

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But he grew old, this knight so bold / And upon his heart a shadow / Fell as he found no spot on the ground / That looked like El Dorado.

I'll try to write more and follow my inner feelings about sharing details. Just am not there yet and won't be made or tricked into doing it. Got made to do stuff and tricked before, and Im not falling for it again. My problem with triggers is not with normals, it's with other survivors who you would think would get it. Right now I just feel like wrapping that security blanket more tightly around me than anything else, but I know a better plan is to get back to a T. Can do that once Im back in school again and get another job. At least I can come here.

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�We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.� - Plato

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