Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Now i am fine, after sleeping for three hours and getting up at 10pm ( yeah, right) and blogging about it all makes me feel better. Its happening past few days, There is this lady in our apartment whom i know.There are times when she comes home, just like that, for an hour or so, talks about everyone in the building, asks all personal details and whom i smile at and keep answering in hmmm, haan..... Happening for more 6months, now the lady suddenly realized that i never visit her flat, well, to be frank, I don't go anywhere. I am averse to chitchatting, gossip, time pass and other such nice words. I cannot make small social talk, all you find me doing is giving a smile and at the association meetings i am busy sticking to the agenda and not sharing news, Thank you.

I am invited to her house, and i politely told her i would be busy and will visit as soon as i find time. And i couldn go, past one month or so, genuinely i wanted to go, But just couldn make it.And last i met her is in the parking lot today evening and she invited again, I told her i will come the next Saturday and that it is not possible on a weekday and that evenings i am busy mostly and i am still not able to handle my anger at her words in reply, she says "What work do you have, a maid who does everything, just cooking for two ppl and you come home at 4pm and teaching profession is such easy profession, what makes you so busy, if you are so busy now how will you handle kids in future! ! ! and blah blah blah, you don't have your in laws also here, so no tensions at all, why crib??"

I am furious, i just walked off, came home, took bath and slept, yeah, my way of handling anger, and now i woke up when the whole world is going to sleep. A few points which i could have said to her but didn't.

My in laws or parents are in other state but i spend talking to them all at least two hours in the evening. They miss us and so do we.I Don't crib... by choice.

I am in teaching profession by choice, i love my work and before i forget, i teach, subjects like finance, consumer behavior, mngt concepts, wish i could teach something about behavior to you too.

Yes, right now we are only two and we really are happy with the choice and no, it is not easy just because we are only two, i still cook 3 dishes, pack lunch for my husband at 6am ( no, i don't want him to eat at the office canteen like your own hubby who goes to office at 9am) I leave for college at 7am, and i carry my lunch, and when i come back i have a list of things to delegate to the maid and list of things to give orders to the husband ( yeah i do that too) and he is happy being ordered. He is not the typical husband material!!!!!

Yes, i do have free time in the evenings and the pictures show it clearly that the greenery in my apartment is not god sent, and not the work of my maid and it doesn't come free, it takes time, every evening i water them on my own, checking for weeds, happy when i see the flowers blooming, taking pictures, trying to find new places for more pots and in general maintaining my little green patch which is a hard work of one year.

I would rather pick up my jasmines, roses, offering them to god and giving them to the kids playing, growing my own methi, coriander, Spinach, tomato and feel proud of it, I would rather spend my time converting my old plastic mugs and water jugs into small flowering pots and sowing seeds and be very proud of it when i get a pat from husband and let me tell you, my maid is also proud of me!@$%

All the pictures you see here are my own, i grow these plants, i talk to them, i don't go out of town until i find someone who can take care of them in my absence and apart from all this i watch movies, i listen to music, i blog and i read and keep my house clean and make sure that i am nice with people who are nice to me. So next time i don't smile at you please remember it was your fault and now nothing can be done.

Wish i could have said this all to her, all i could do was to stare at her, walk off, and i am feeling better now after blogging about it:))))Now off to the world of dreams, remember, i got work to do, i am not as vela as she thinks i am!@$%@$#^#%.

Cleared lots of mail, replied, deleted and sorted out the contact lists.

Downloaded 10 new songs from old movies:)

Spoke on phone for 30min, changed the theme on my phone, set new images and ringtones for various groups.

Sorted out loads of e-books and done with the backup of the important files.

Charged the batteries for my cam, for the TV remote, set the channels in the set top box, marked the favorites and sorted out all the movie CD's.

Husband came home at 4.30pm, he wanted to know how i spent my holiday, what i did the whole day. I gave him the list.

Gave the clothes for ironing, sorted out the laundry.

Ordered vegetables, fruits, cleaned the fridge.

Sorted out the cutlery and found that my favorite blue handle spoon is missing, one fork is not to be seen and i dint find two new kitchen hankies also.

Made a grocery list, of what we don't need to buy and the list of things to be bought today itself.

Two new pots are added today to my 19 flower pots, i added a few seeds of methi, chilli, tomato and coriander.

One water jug was converted into a small flower pot and one copper mug now holds the money plant in the hall.

Pruning, cutting and adding rose mix to my plants.

Sorted out my wardrobe and declared i need to go for shopping.

Made chutney powder and gave a small bottle of it to the neighbor and chatted with her for 40min, we shared recipes you know:)

Well, i did want to continue and tell him another 4 or 5 points, but he stopped me. He declared i must be tired and he took me out for dinner. So no cooking and i never, never told him that the works in the above list hardly took an hour from morning and rest of the time i was in front of my laptop taking care of the first list.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Its a pleasant evening, well, No rain, not very hot, nice breeze and the dancing leafs in my tiny flower pots makes it feels good, i opened all the doors.

I was in the kitchen, making sambar and i suddenly wanted to write a post, Yes, i know i am weird, what to do, we are like this only. By the way,thanks mom for that recipe and thanks to SIL who gave me the gyan about curryleaves and the imp of them for enhancing the aroma,:)

It feels nice when i get to know about the little kitchen secrets from MIL, Mom or SIL. I am not a wonderful cook but i do my job pretty decently,hmmmm, maybe because its more than job for me:) The stories attached to a particular dish, the memories of it, Yes, i mean it. The memories attached, I said i rushed to write a post, because the sambhar brought back memories of childhood days, of peddamma or my mom's elder sister, my cousins and the village.

The humid and hot summer evenings when we used to come back lazily from the fields, we went along with the servants and along with my uncle, played in the hot sun, ate sugarcanes, mangoes & thati munjelu or Toddy palm seeds as they are called, jumped into the river canal, I climbed trees, those big banayan trees and from the edge of a stem used to jump into the river, i did it, used to bribe the servants and my cousin so that they let us do all that the village kids did.Came back home at sunset, and peddamma sure never knew what we were up to, sometimes all the 4 km from the fields would be walk or at times in a bullock cart or a tractor and when we enter the house the smells of sambhar welcomed us, she made it most of the evenings, with small sambhar onions and simple tadka, slowly simmering in an earthen pot on a kumpati ( a stove made of mud and uses charcoal or timber) My cousin always cribbed that she never makes anything special but for us it was special.

No coming inside the house unless you take bath, she would order and when we did she used to give permission to light the lanthern. Four or five of them, for each room, neatly cleaned and oiled and lighted, we used to keep it in rooms, and then the beds would be put in the varandah, nulaka mancham they were called and we all start talking, it would all be about us, me and my brother, the special guests, and there were no boundary walls, the neighbours sometimes joined in.

Night silent with occassional bells ringing tied in the cows neck and 8pm, we all used to sit down for dinner, outside, in the open yard, near the kitchen and she used to serve hot rice and little bit of new mango pickle, i used to insist for more but she refused always, and dollops of ghee, avakkaya annam:) and then second round would be the sambhar, shifted to a small bowl, it used to go round and everyone used to complain it is hot but not stop eating, accompanied by vadiyalu ( or papad) the taste was awesome. And comes the third round, yes, the one where we were not supposed to complete the meal without having curds, but we are full" we always complained, but she never would agree.

Satisfied and sweating because of the hot food, we then used to jump into the beds with the visanakarra ( or handheld fans) and start talking again, till late into the night, there is river krishna flowing right in front of the house and the coconut plams, the hibiscus near the cow shed, the jasmine near the kitchen and the big mile stone just in front of the house whre i used to sit in the evenings and watch the boat ( or ballakattu) sail by.

There is much to write but somehow i feel sad and silent, the words don't form sentences, there is a lump in the throat, i miss that place, the people, peddamma lost 25yr old son, my cousin, i still feel its not true and then her daughter, my elder sister had a marital problem and they lost most of the property and left the place.

Its been long back, And i never went back to that place, my brother did, he met the kids with whom we played, but i never went, i have happy memories of the place, now its abondened and no one lives there, the bushes and trees make it look like a jungle, the boat is broken and not many come to this side of the river, the milestone, the river, the big banayan tree are still the same, but everything else changed, I don't want to go back. I have memories, they make me smile, pushing back the tears i gave a stern warning to the husband that he dare not getup from his dinner before having curds. So our dinner was avakkaya annam, sambhar, vadiyalu, perugu. Memories- they make life so beautiful and worth living.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Unofficially i will be back in college from tomorrow, Vacation over:( I don't want to go. I am surprised that i am quite sad and silent about going back to work,I want to stay at home, take care of my plants, my house, listen to music, watch movies or in short i just want to do what i want to do.But not possible, i know, not always we get the luxury of living life the way we want to. We need to make compromises, no controversies, let me rephrase, I need to make compromises, So does the Husband. There are times when he just cannot get up at 5am to get ready by 6am and wait for the cab, i see him mumbling something about taking a leave but in last 6 months he hardly took any leave.He pushes himself, i guess he remembers the market conditions, the job threats and the EMI we pay for the flat and other random stuff. I on other hand don't remember any such things, every morning when i get up at 7am to be in the office by 8am i look at the other side of the bed and remember the man who is working hard to make it easy in future and i just start getting ready.

Its mutual, the fear of loosing out, the fear of not being able to have a comfortable living for which we struggled hard and the looming past which always reminds of the darkness and helplessness we felt at times as children, When he lost his mom and when my dad walked off. We both know what pain is, we both know about not having enough, we both know about struggle, we both know about being left alone, about being deprived, About broken families and tears.

But all this made us strong, made us understand life.There are times when we get suggestions about having kids, about making more money and about changing jobs and shifting to another country. Times when we just listen, smile and move on with our life. Not that it dosn't hurt, it does. Specially when someone talks about kids, Isn't it supposed to be a very personal and private matter for me and him? For me staying away of about 600km from my family is nothing less than being in another country, and same goes for him, how he gets worried about his dad and feels guilty about being away from him.The jobs we have are our choice, someone recently suggested we takeup the building association secretary post because our timings are perfect and are back home by 4pm and i am still fuming, we start to office when all others are still tucked warm in their beds, evenings are the only time when we get time to talk,to share or make calls to family, talk about bills and shopping, plan and dream, which we do alot, cook and share a meal together. The ME time and the WE time is in the evenings and we need to balance and we do that. TOUCHWOOD. Is it so hard to respect someone for what they are? Do you need to voice your opinion about others life so easily? No idea. I started this post to say something to the husband, just to tell him that "Yes, i dont like to work anymore, yes, i feel irritated to go back to work, but still every morning when i wake up i tell myself that this wont last long. Not everything is as per our wishes, not everyone is what we want them to be, We accept life and people for what they are, we make changes when it becomes impossible to take another step, till then we are like this only, Happy, content, laughing silly, dreaming and at intervals we have bouts of complaints, cribbing, screaming, tears and sadness. Sri, just to tell you that we have a perfect life. A mixture of all emotions, that makes us complete"

So, wish me for tomorrow, wish me that i have a good time at work, wish me that there will be less controversies, wish me that i smile a lot and wish me that i have a good health and wish me to be what i am, wish me that i don't change:)

For today i am enjoying the breeze and the clouds and listening to this song here Let me know if you like the song.