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Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Religious Women Want To Have Fun Too

A moment after the glass breaks, and the two religious
singles become a couple and family unit – they may discover that the conflict
between conservative education and the shift to "all is permitted"
has a direct effect on the fresh sex life they are trying to build.

Until recently, many religious couples found themselves
alone, facing a complicated situation in the bedroom. Careful questions to a
rabbi or a repeated discussion with the bride's instructor were the maximum
form of sharing and openness many desperate couples in need of help allowed
themselves.

Michal Prins, a doctoral candidate in gender studies at
Bar-Ilan University, realized there was a demand for help with sexual issues
and, about two years ago, opened the Yahel Institute which offers counseling
and guidance on marital relations.

Prins herself did not believe how high the
demand would be.

Then she introduced training courses for "marital
relations instructors." Don’t call them sexologists or sex therapists, but
rather women with guidance abilities serving as a sort of emergency and first
aid station on the way to happy sexuality.

She doesn't know how to enjoy herself

Prins, 32, who is married with four children, dedicated her
master's paper to the way religious women cope with their body and sexuality, a
moment after the barriers have allegedly been lifted and sexual contact has
been permitted.

"One of the conclusions from my paper was that marital
relations are an issue which has not been dealt with much in the religious
society," she says. "There is a lot of loneliness, and there is no
one to turn to for information or counseling. That is actually why we set up
the Yahel Institute.

"You can't talk about these things as part of a
friendly conversation, and it won't come up in a meeting at the synagogue or on
the bench in the garden.

These couples cannot just pick up the phone and call a
friend – even a good friend – and ask them to recommend an urologist or sex
therapist."

Is the main problem in your opinion lack of knowledge?

"Not necessarily. Sexual relations are not something
you can read about in a book and then excel in. Even if there was good bride
guidance beforehand – and there is excellent guidance today – that still
doesn't mean anything.

Everyone tells her she's supposed to enjoy herself, but
the next morning she finds out that it's more complicated than she had thought.
Then they get stuck and there's no one to turn to.

"Judaism gives sexual relations a place. Judaism even
sees it as an ideal, and a woman's sexual pleasure as a mitzvah. The couples
know that it's something good.

The heart of the problem is the detachment many
religious women feel from their body and sexuality, because during the years of
adolescence physicality is pushed aside, saved for the day after the
chuppah."

First aid in sexuality

The sharp transition "on that day after," Prins
notes, is sometimes revealed as an extremely difficult challenge.

The
separation between body and soul in Judaism leads, she says, to a wrong
interpretation and puts the physical needs and sexual pleasure at a
disadvantage.

Add that to the attitude of unstoppable giving, which
characterizes the sector's women, according to Prins.

"In our society women are educated to give: To
volunteer, national service, a career, children, their home. They give and give
all the time, and then when it comes to her – she's not there.

If a woman
doesn't know how to stop and make time for herself, and say wholeheartedly, 'I
deserve this, this is for me' – it won't happen."

The center, which was established about two years ago, aims
to serve as the first address for any sexual-related problem.

The initial
acquaintance meeting between the sides is conducted by a "marital
relations instructor," who mostly deals with issues touching on the
subject: Psychology, social work or bride guidance.

Soon, by the way, the center will begin training men as
sexual instructors as well.

"I intentionally stress that it's counseling and
guidance, not sex therapy. We are not therapists. When there is an apparent
problem, sometimes all it takes is guidance and direction, and a few focused
meetings solve the issue.

"If it turns out during the initial meeting that there
is need for an in-depth examination by specific professionals, we already have
a fixed list of recommended people: Starting with sex therapists through
physiotherapists for the pelvic floor to urologists, alongside accommodation to
the couple's religious level."

Let's open it up

A standard meeting at the center usually starts on the
phone, with a hesitant and shy voice on the other end of the line.

"We coordinate a meeting for the couple with the
center's staff in order to understand their difficulties," Prins explains.

"I haven't checked the statistics, but it's mostly difficulties around the
woman's enjoyment of intercourse. If a man comes with a sexual performance
problem, he is referred directly to a sex therapist and urologist. With a woman
it's much more complicated.

"Perhaps it's something emotional she has been carrying
around since adolescence, or from the first night?

Something in the bedroom
that isn't working right.

On the other hand, a woman who comes and says she is
in pain is immediately referred to a psychotherapist for the pelvic floor, in
order to clarify the reason for the pain. Only after we know if it's something
physiological, or an emotionally-based problem, we'll be able to offer the
proper treatment."

Talli Rosenbaum, an AASECT certified sex therapist and the
academic director of the training program, talks about "the sexual circle
of life," in which sexual-related problems or difficulties may rise at any
stage.

"A person is born a sexual creature, and the circle of
life invites many challenges," she says. "Starting with sexual
relations, pregnancies, children, menopause, as well as diseases and other
complicated situations."

Rosenbaum stresses that the center provides basic tools for
the arriving couples in a bid to start from the most basic and superficial
level in the treatment and ensure that there are no differences in knowledge.

"When there is a problem, 'close the gaps.' Explain how
the body works, what is an orgasm. Many people don't come with this knowledge.
The goal is to hold an open and accessible talk, with maximum
sensitivity."

'It's not a simple situation'

A significant part of the work the center's with the couples
is aimed at instilling the recognition in the sexual differences between the
man and woman and in the ability to overcome them together.

"You sometimes need to explain that 'she needs that,
you need that.' Go back a bit and fix mistakes. It also depends very much on
when they turn to us, if it's in the first six months of the marriage – or
after 10 years, when the problems have already become a pattern."

Who in the couple pushes for therapy? We are talking about a
conservative public, after all.

"The easiest thing is to say that it's the men, because
they allegedly want more. I don't go to that direction at all. If a couple does
things right, there is no reason in the world why they shouldn't be at the same
level of desire.

"If a woman has learned how to enjoy herself and knows
what she wants, if she has fun and is content, there is no reason for her not
to want sexual relations on a frequent and regular basis. And there are quite a
few cases in which the situation is the opposite.

"There is an amazing phenomenon here of men who pick up
the phone and say, 'My wife isn't enjoying herself. Guide me through what I
have to do so that she'll be content.' In my eyes it's amazing that what matter
to them, at the end of the day, is her enjoyment.

"On the other hand, some of the women won't even sit
down with me for a meeting," she reveals. "It's not an easy situation
in any case, and you must know how to approach and touch such intimate and
sensitive issues."

Destructive statements

Prins says that there is sometimes one conversation which
can solve years-long problems.

"I treated husbands who learned that before getting
into bed, there are 'preparations.' You must wash the dishes or complete other
domestic chores in order to give the woman time for herself.

A woman need to be
available for desire. In order to say, 'I deserve this,' 'I want this,' and
definitely in order to initiate.

"She needs space, and so she needs help. A woman must
know that she is loved, that her needs are honored, and that some of her
traditional roles are being taken care of to let her make time for
herself."

It sounds like secular couples could also use such guidance.
Why are you only approaching religious couples?

"Personally, it's the area I am familiar with and deal
with. Our expertise is in understanding the complexity of religious life on the
seam line between religious education, modesty and radicalization – and the
Western life.

It's a place which creates a difficulty for those living in it.

"The prevalent discourse in the religious public, both
before and after the wedding, is 'give it to him even if you don't feel like
it,' 'make it possible, go with the flow.' That's the worst thing. It makes a
woman not want to even more and develop an negative approach, and it's
definitely not fair towards the women.

"I had a couple in which the husband asked a rabbi what
he should do if his wife is not showing enough interest in marital life. The
rabbi said, 'Have a talk with her, explain to her that it's very, very
important to you, and that she should allow it.'

"These are destructive statements. They stem from a
conservative worldview that women 'don't really enjoy themselves.' A woman
doesn't want to have sex because it's not good for her, because she's going
through something. Let's help her instead of forcing her into an act she
doesn’t want.

"When I talk to the couples who approach me
about the fact that a woman must reach satisfaction every time they have sex,
my colleagues say to me, 'That's so 1980s,' and they are right. But we are a
conservative sector. So religious people are 30 years behind everyone else. We
have to work on it, but that's what should happen eventually. A woman is
supposed to