Monday, 30 April 2012

It's been a mad few weeks. My book was published much earlier than I expected it to be. On the whole I am happy as it came out a week before "Child Abuse Awareness and Prevention Month" started in the U.S. If you have read my book I would really appreciate you leaving feedback on the Amazon or AuthorHouse websites. I am working on two new books and your comments will help me shape my current projects. The same applies to this blog. Your comments are a great help to me, in many ways.

I found releasing this book to be very uplifting. Getting my writing "out there" in print and eBook will hopefully increase awareness and help others too. It has helped me also. More memories have come out of the fog of history and though painful, they are being dealt with.

I would like to remind you that we should be vigilant and aware of the subject of child abuse all year not just during April. Much much more needs to be done on a global scale to bring education and awareness. Victims of this heinous crime need to feel able to speak up and get the support they need.

Our Governments need to act. So much money is being spent on warfare & fighting terrorism for example. What about the war and terrorism going on in our own homes? Children suffer and die every day because of child abuse in all it's forms. More money is being spent in the U.K on the phone hacking scandal than on Child Abuse prevention or awareness...

Last Friday I listened in to Dreamcatchers for Abused Children hosted by my friend Tricia McKnight with her special guest Andy Hudson. Please have a listen, to this show.Many others are available in the archives.

I'd like to thank those of you who follow me on Twitter for your support there and for the ReTweets and Mentions. Together we are increasing awareness!

Going back to my comment above re. new memories. I had hoped by the end of last year that I had finished discovering the mysteries of my past. More events have come to light and others have been clarified in my head. Never doubt your memories. Your brain will let these through when you are ready to handle them. Hindsight is a wonderful thing... Looking back over my life I understand much better now how those events in my childhood shaped me and pushed me on the roads I took.

I was not to blame and I am not the guilty party.

I was a toddler when the abuse started, barely walking. Even as a teenager when I flaunted myself in front of the grandfather I was not to blame. I was still a kid. I had been groomed and taught ways to behave. Though at the time I might have thought I was showing him something he could not have, I was still doing exactly what he wanted. He was the one with the guilt, he was the one doing wrong. Not me.

I would like to encourage male survivors to use the link to the right to share something about themselves(Male Survivors - Your Space). Not only is it often therapeutic to share but it could help others who visit this blog.

If you want to write to me privately then please feel free. I class all emails as strictly private unless the sender states otherwise. My email is on the top left of my blog.

If enough of us stand together and raise our voices we will be heard. There are too many lives being lost due to child abuse. Not only young lives, but also those who are unable to cope with the pain they feel in later life. If anyone has statistics regarding the numbers of abuse related suicides please email me as I would like to publish them on this blog.

To those of you still living in the shadows I say this. Please understand that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are not to blame for what happened TO you. If you think that you could/should have been able to stop it, then remember you were a child. The guilt and the blame lies squarely on the shoulders of the abusers and those who support them (directly or indirectly). Please step forward, speak to someone, seek out a therapist or support group. You will not be blamed for what happened to you and if someone tries to blame you then they are not worth knowing.

There are more victims of abuse than there are abusers. There is strength in numbers.. It's time to take away the power these vile creatures have and to campaign for better awareness, longer prison sentences and efficient deterrents.

Together we can make child abuse a rare crime and not the everyday occurrence it is now.

BEFORE you do any thing else.....remember to breathe....in and out....in and out....

In almost any situation, trying to come to terms with your abusive history may leave you suffering from what is known as flashbacks. These occur as conscious or unconscious images and thoughts, resulting from part of the central core of your memory of the abuse. They can appear as vague recurrent body sensations for which you may have no conscious memory, and the sensations and memories occur when triggered by either internal or external circumstances, evoking the original trauma. Example: A survivor whose abuse included posing for pornographic pictures may experience a flashback by the appearance of a camera. A survivor left alone for long periods of time after being abused may flashback to when they feel isolated or lonely. In many cases, the more often a trauma has been repeated, the more intrusive its nature, the deeper and stronger the survivor's memory of the event. If a trigger occurs recalling previous abusive events, a chain of associations occurs, often unconsciously and you re-experience the abusive incidents. This re-experience creates a blurring between past and present; in that you unconsciously withdraw from the present, projecting past memories and feelings onto the "here-and-now". Repressed memories also return as flashbacks; emerging in the form of nightmares, and you have dreams that explicitly recall your abuse or recurrent nightmares of being pursued that symbolically evoke themes of abuse. So, after all that crap...here’s a well tried, successful version on how to tackle those flashbacks, and regain control of your life, please give it a try.The rest of this article can be found HERE

All rights to this post belong to AMSOSA. Please do not copy without their permission.

Walk with me, where valleys rise to touch the heavens,Where gentle streams become a stampede of white horses,Tumbling and crashing over craggy rocks and falls.Where love is kind and the grass always greenest.

Walk with me, take my hand, open your eyes and see,The beauty of a sunrise, the sorrow in a sunset,Embrace me as day melts into all encompassing night,Watch stars shoot across the blackened blueness.

Walk with me, and when your legs tire I'll carry you,Together we will take this journey, explore each mystery,No stone unturned, no path untravelled, Walls will crumble,Courage in unity, two souls, together as one.

Walk with me, through this life, we will not fail,When our summer years turn to autumn, then winter,Though the burning light of life fades to darkness,Walk with me, from light to shadow, and forever beyond.

Friday, 27 April 2012

This week I would like to introduce you to one of the first people to follow me on Twitter.

Despoina (Debbie) Theodoridou has become a firm online friend and is a lady filled with music, passion and certainly has the heart of a poet. She has just had her first childrens book published which I'm sure will become a best seller!

You can find her on Twitter as @Scent_of_Roses

I grew up surrounded by genuine love.

Though my parents were poor, humor, love and laughter was a daily attitude in my family. I inherited the humor and the passion of my father; the logic, the love for music and writing and the courage, from my mother. I believe that love is the most precious gift in life. Love exists, love is real, love is immortal. It is love that adorns our life with its special flavor and its precious meaning. Thus my life has one certain purpose: "I live to love." - Despoina Theodoridou, Pianist/Writer/ Lyricist

Bio: Despoina Theodoridou was born and brought up in Thessaloniki- Greece. She is a Pianist, published Writer and Lyricist. Since the age of 4, she has expressed a genuine love and interest towards music. At the age of 9 she took her first Piano lessons. Since 2009 she has been writing Stories for Children, which intend to inculcate in children moral values and good manners. Apart from that, she’s also a playwright and has written comical screenplays, which mainly consist in parodies based on classic fairy tales, combined with references to the problems of the modern society. In addition, she has completed her first Poetry collection, which is going to get published in the near future. In her free time she also writes Lyrics for pop/rock music. She lives in Thessaloniki-Greece, currently working as a Piano teacher.

"Lola, the lonely doctor"Every living being on this planetis unique and gifted in its own way,with its own abilities. This is why wemust never underestimate or despiseanyone. A little skunk, through hergenerous love, gives a good lessonto her friendly surrounding!

A common misconception held by many people is that men cannot be "victims" of sexual abuse. It is often believed that if an adult or teenage male is sexually assaulted he must have consented to the act. It then follows that if the male consented he must be gay or bi-sexual. Add to this the again mistaken belief that males cannot become erect or ejaculate without consent or enjoyment and you have a powerful and pervasive belief system in place which forces most male survivors of sexual assault to remain silent. Many beleive that if a man is abused or raped it makes the victim homosexual. What absolute rubbish!

Sexuality is complex. It is not a choice. It is not forced upon you.

I do believe that sexual abuse and rape might cause confusion in the victim, BUT, only because of the way society views different stereotypes. Society and bad education has a great deal to answer for. "Real" men cannot be abused or raped... Again a misleading, confusing and totally incorrect statement. Firstly define a "real" man? It is what society deems it to be. Unless we change our attitudes, educate ourselves to the truth, millions of men will remain silent.

I don't give a monkeys if you are straight, gay or bi-sexual. You are human. If you are a victim of childhood or adult sexual abuse/assault you should not be judged or labelled because of it.

Being a VICTIM does not define what or who you are, sexually or otherwise.

Growing up I had massive confusion over who or what I was. I was taught that boys don't cry, that they must be strong and silent. Boys don't play with girls, they must play with other boys. Sports and fishing and cars (stereotypical boy/man hood activities) were supposed to be my interests.. I enjoyed some sports yes, but health problems prevented me from doing many. I enjoyed the company of any friend.. I didn't have many, I didn't mix well. Recently I remembered the Grandfather encouraging me to play "Doctor/Patient" with other boys. He always made me be the patient. I spent much of my childhood alone. I was robbed of a "normal" upbringing and have few happy memories. I was a loner whenever possible. It hurt less that way.

I grew up frightened, confused and alone.

The way that we have been created leads to stereotypical expectations. The female is "supposed" to be the home maker, the "weaker" sex (I don't agree) and the man the hunter gatherer. The male is not supposed to cry or get emotional. Showing one's feelings, showing that we might be scared is a huge no no.

Society has created a belief system that is damaging and prevents so many from being able to stand up and ask for help.

These myths and stereotypes silence victims. So many men have commited suicide because they cannot face what happened to them and feel unable to ask for help. So many men live unhappy, unfulfilled lives because they don't want the finger pointed at them.

Isn't it time that these stereotypes and myths were put where they belong? In the rubbish/trash and destroyed forever.

Until society changes it's attitudes generally then millions will go on suffering in silence.

I often say on this blog "Come on guys! Stand up and be counted! There's no shame in being the victim!" This is totally true. What is just as important that we work to change the attitudes of those around us.

Our Governments need to wake up to the truth about sexual abuse. Money needs to be spent educating the masses. "We" have to educate the masses.

At the moment the paedophiles and rapists are the winners. The curtain of silence is keeping them safe. The fear of societies expectations is keeping the victims silent.

It's time to rip down that curtain and to turn the tables on the evil scum that continue abusing, feeling safe because society has made them feel safe. Knowledge is power. We have the knowledge so it's time we took the power away from the paedophiles and rapists.

Punishment must be made much much harsher. A real "deterent" not a slap on the wrist or a short prison stay. The abusers took our lives and ruined them. Life should mean life. Let them rot in prisons.

We can make a difference. Together, united in our common aim. We have to.

Monday, 23 April 2012

St. George is the patron saint of England. His emblem, a red cross on a white background, is the flag of England, and part of the British flag. St George's emblem was adopted by Richard The Lion Heart and brought to England in the 12th century. The king's soldiers wore it on their tunics to avoid confusion in battle.

Saint George is popularly identified with England and English ideals of honour, bravery and gallantry, but actually he wasn’t English at all. Very little is known about the man who became St George.

Quick Facts about St George

Born in Turkey (in Cappadocia)Lived in 3rd centuryHis parents were ChristianBecame a Roman soldierProtested against Rome's persecution of ChristiansImprisoned and tortured, but stayed true to his faithBeheaded at Lydda in Palestine

St. George is believed to have been born in Cappadocia (now Eastern Turkey) in the year A.D. 270. He was a Christian. At the age of seventeen he joined the Roman army and soon became renowned for his bravery. He served under a pagan Emperor but never forgot his Christian faith.

When the pagan Emperor Diocletian started persecuting Christians, St. George pleaded with the Emperor to spare their lives. However, St. George's pleas fell on deaf ears and it is thought that the Emperor Diocletian tried to make St. George deny his faith in Christ, by torturing him. St George showed incredible courage and faith and was finally beheaded near Lydda in Palestine on 23 April, 303.

In 1222, the Council of Oxford declared April 23 to be St George’s Day and he replaced St Edmund the Martyr as England’s patron saint in the 14th century. In 1415, April 23 was made a national feast day.

Patron Saint

St George is patron saint not only of England but also of Aragon, Catalonia, England, Ethiopia, Georgia, Greece, Lithuania, Palestine, Portugal, and Russia, as well as the cities of Amersfoort, Beirut, Bteghrine, Cáceres, Ferrara, Freiburg, Genoa, Ljubljana, Gozo, Pomorie, Qormi, Lod and Moscow.

St George is also patron saint of scouts, soldiers, archers, cavalry and chivalry, farmers and field workers, riders and saddlers, and he helps those suffering from leprosy, plague and syphilis.

Saturday, 21 April 2012

More than 5 children die a day from abuse in the United States alone. If you care enough, you can save lives. Help us #StopChildAbuse! Start by donating 1 tweet per day to bring awareness to the child abuse epidemic that MUST stop. If we don’t intervene – our tiny victims either die or many grow up and continue the horrible cycle of abuse . Too many kids, too much pain!

How many times have you asked yourself the question "Why can't I just get on and DO it?"

You find something more interesting to do or stare at a blank sheet of paper … You ask yourself the question again, only to come up with no answer at all, so next time you find yourself avoidng doing anything, sit down and examine what the issues are that make you do this.

In other words, don't delay it and start working on the issues now!

Procrastination is a common issue and can prevent you getting started, getting finished or often you're stuck somewhere in between, and it can be very frustrating.

If you keep stoping to ask yourself the question: "Why can't I just get on and DO it?", it can help to get to the root of the problem, and help you get "unstuck".

So let's break the question into managable sections:

WHY?What is it that is holding me back?

As with any issue you might have, we need to look carefully at the feelings that arise when thinking about the issue. Are you afraid that you might fail, or perhaps even afraid that you might succeed?

CAN'T?Am I in the wrong frame of mind to start (or finish) this task?

Are you feeling de-motivated by it or bored at the prospect of having to do it? Is it the 'wrong' time? Do you feel you aren't able to do the job; lacking enough experience or information to do it properly?

IDo I feel inadequate in myself?

Do you lack the self-belief and self-confidence to do the job?

DOAm I clear about the tasks?

Perhaps you can't see the bigger picture and how this particular task fits in with your overall desired outcome. Perhaps you are bogged down by planning: You think, you plan, you make notes, but you don't actually know what to do.

IT?Are my priorities clear?

Are you mixing up important issues with urgent ones and setting your priorities in the wrong place? Are you doing lots of other tasks but failing to do what you really should be doing at this moment?

Here is an exercise for you do, so get some paper and DO IT!

Consider each of the questions above, namely, WHY CAN'T I DO IT and brainstorm the reasons why you are procrastinating. Think about both the practical reasons and how you feel about doing this task.

Once you have written down all your reasons, identify any visible blockers that come up, often hidden in words, such as "can't", "won't', "not enough time", "later", etc. These are resources, information that you need to gather from other people, research that you need to do, and so on. All these are things that you need to action promptly or they'll keep on stalling you. Choose one that you're going to action today - you'll get the satisfaction of knowing that's one step in the right direction.

The other reasons for procrastination are about mindset and your approach to the task or project. So how do we deal with these?

There are lots of reasons why you might be procrastinating, so once you've challenegd the visible blockers, it's all about making sure you have the right mindset and approach. So let's looks at some of the ways achieve this:

TAKE A FIRST STEP FORWARDSometimes, we feel we've bitten off more than we can chew. And one of the most effective ways to get over that feeling is to do something (anything really!) just to get things going. Choose something that you know you can achieve, and do it, congratulate yourself and then move on to the next task.

KNOW YOUR GOALS AND MOTIVATIONOften we put things off because we don't have a clear 'vision' of what we want our final outcome to be. When your goal is fuzzy, this impacts your energy levels, your motivation and naturally your output.

You need to be very clear about what it is you want to achieve and how this will benefit you. Once you have established a positive base, you then have more leverage to incite yourself into action. If you know how something is going to be of benefit to you, you're more likely to do it.

PLAN YOUR DEADLINESWe all need deadlines! If you don't have a specific end point in mind, you're far less likely to achieve it. So be very clear on when a particular task needs to be done by, and then work backwards from that date, identifying smaller steps leading ultimately to the main goal.

FOCUS ON WHAT'S IMPORTANT (RATHER THAN URGENT)Rather than being sidetracked by lots of perceived 'urgent' issues, remember that it is the important tasks which get you closer to your goal. When you organize work so you meet all your deadlines, you become more efficient, and therefore accomplish a lot more. You will also probably be calmer and easier to be around, because you're not bouncing from one crisis to another. And this means that you will be better able to deal with truly urgent situations as they arise.

LISTEN TO YOURSELFEach of us has a unique body clock and concentration curve. By matching your task to the right time of day, and how you are feeling, you can have a big impact on your effectiveness. Choose to deal with the most demanding tasks when your natural energy is at its highest, and you will get more done in less time. If you think most creatively and concisely first thing in the morning, plan your creative tasks accordingly.

ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR ACHIEVEMENTSVery importantly too, after achieving each major step towards your goal, take time to acknowledge yourself, congratulate yourself, for having done so. You would do that for a good friend or colleague, so why not do it for yourself? It's motivating; it makes you feel good about yourself.

And when you believe that you can actually do it, and that you want to do it, you'll have banished procrastination, once and for all!

Before anyone says anything..there is a good part to procrastination, as long as its healthy, such as taking care of yourself and not allowing others to take advantage of you. In fact, used wisely, healthy procrastination is good for you, perhaps reeading a favourite book, watching a funny movie or just taking some ME time away from everyone else.

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Trees dance gracefully to the symphony of the wind.They sway gently while lightening highlights the sky.The air is warm and humidity highAnd thunder rolls in background tempo.The songs of the night unify the sweet melody;They unify and tie the piece together.This beautiful song brings such a calm deep withinYet it makes me tremble as joy sweeps over me.I sit in my chair watching,listening,alone.The music brings images of my life story to mind.As I become hypnotized to the rhythm and flowIt is all so sobering and beautiful.The images become more vivid. The music more angry.The music within me, that I am, accompanies the orchestration.I think about the many places I've been to.I see the empty eyes of strangers as life marches by.The music crests, emotion peaks, images nearly real.Inside is a tossed salad of different feelings.Good, sad, excited, angry, ashamed, and alone.Sometimes I feel as though I'm almost at lifes end.

First time that you landedWhen all the stars shoneYou gazed into my eyesTwo hearts became as oneThen again you landedUpon the white sandy shoreMy heart you cast asideYour heart wanted no moreThe last time you landedYour heart was finally goneMy knees sunk on the sandThe stars no longer shoneFor no more will she landTo share her heart with meI now walk the lonely sandHeart weeping by the sea

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Slowly but surely, the common myth held that sexual abuse/rape happens to women only is fading, but when a man is sexually assaulted or raped, and grows up believing that myth, he feels even more isolated and alone. This page tackles some of the issues that are rarely talked about, yet have a huge impact on almost all male survivors, and if left unsaid and sorted out, can stop them from recovering fully, leaving a residue of bad feelings and fears behind. Some of the things that can trigger you off and leave you feeling as if you're back at the point of being abused are as followsThe smell of others, especially aftershave or other body smells, can cause you to flashback and trigger bad memories Many male survivors state that when having sex with a partner, that they feel dirty, and unclean once they have reached ejaculation, and this is connected to the sight, feel and sensation of seeing their semen, which reminds them of being abused, and that alone can ruin any sexual relationships they may have. You may also feel wrong, bad and dirty, so will need to bathe often, usually after having sex with partners, and if masturbating, will only do so as a function, not for pleasure, because the sensation and good feelings have been taken away and you're left feeling dirty and 'wrong' again. There's also the fact that you can get obsessed with wanking, not just once a day, but several times a day, which can increase when you feel stressed, lonely, screwed up, etc. Many male survivors hide behind the fact that they remain non sexual, and in doing so, are not seen as being sexual beingsOthers eat, drink, misuse drugs to stop people getting too close to them.By taking on the work thats needed, you can remove the ghosts of the past and can regain control of your life

Male Survivors share many of the same feelings of female sexual assault survivors. Common feelings such as; BEING IN YOUR BODY* Do you feel at home in your body?* Do you feel comfortable expressing yourself sexually with another?* Do you feel that you are a part of your body or does your body feel like a separate entity?* Have you ever intentionally and physically hurt yourself?* Do you find it difficult to listen to your body? EMOTIONS* Do you feel out of control of your feelings?* Do you feel you sometimes don't understand all the feelings you are experiencing?* Are you overwhelmed by the wide range of feelings you have? RELATIONSHIPS* What's your expectations of your partner in a relationship?* Find it too easy to trust others?* Find it too hard to trust anyone?* Find it difficult in making commitments?* Still feel alone, even though in a relationship?* Is it hard for you to allow others to get close to you?* Are you in a relationship with some-one who remind's you of the abuse, or who is no good for you? SELF-CONFIDENCE* Do you find it difficult to love yourself?* Do you have a hard time accepting yourself?* Are you ashamed of yourself?* Do you have expectations of yourself that aren't realistic? SEXUALITY* Do you enjoy sex, really enjoy it?* Do you find it difficult to express yourself sexually?* Do you find yourself using sex to get close to someone?* End up having sex because it's expected of you?* Does sex make you feel dirty?* Are you "present" during sex? MAJOR SEXUAL SYMPTOMS OF SEXUAL ABUSE1. Difficulties in becoming aroused and feeling sensations2. Sex feels like an obligation3. Sexual thoughts and images that are disturbing4. Inappropriate sexual behaviors or sexual compulsivity5. Inability to achieve orgasm or other orgasmic difficulties6. Erection problems or ejaculatory difficulty7. Feeling dissociated while having sex8. Detachment or emotional distance while having sex9. Being afraid of sex or avoiding sex10. Guilt, fear, anger, disgust or other negative feelings when being touched

EXISTING EFF ON MALE SURVIVORS.

Listed below are some of the current effects that sexual abuse, and after-effects it has upon a male Survivor.

The belief that the male population is the stronger sex, especially when it comes to sex, is deeply ingrained, believed, and supported within our culture, but not all men and boys are physically or emotionally strong, which explains why there are male "victims" of sexual abuse/rape. Male child sexual abuse is perpetrated by both men and women, of any sexual persuasion, with no regard towards the "victims" sexuality or safety.It holds scant regard for who we are, and is about gaining power and control over the "victim".As children, we are placed in the care of our parents/guardians, family, family friends, schools, and more often than not, sometimes strangers.The 'Danger Stranger' campaign focused on the danger of strangers, with the intent of scaring children into not trusting strangers, but plainly ignored the fact that parents, siblings, family members, and those other "nice people" especially those people known as the "Pillars of Society", are much more likely to sexual abuse children.As a result of our sexual abuse, we grow up with many mistaken beliefs, and many Survivors have fallen into a myriad of roles that include alcoholism, crime, depression, self harming, people pleasing, hardworking, etc.But, far from being powerless, we have drawn upon considerable reserves of inner strength to deal with, adjust and cope with the invasion of our bodies and minds.Our previous actions in dealing with life may not have been what we wanted to do, and may have caused more pain on the way, but surely we have arrived at a time when we all need to face our past, forgive OUR actions, and move away from the guilt, shame and fear that has haunted us for so long.This possibly took many forms, but is something that we all need to forgive ourselves for, as long we don’t intend to ‘return there’.Some thoughts to have plagued male survivors have been“Perhaps I was to blame”“I should have told someone”“I was in the wrong place, at the wrong time”“I deserved it”“Maybe I gave out the wrong signals”“Maybe I’m gay”………,What we don’t want to hear is pity, or told “how awful” “so sad”, “poor little boy” as that concept is dis-empowering and perpetuates pity for the ‘victim’ and we are then seen as “not quite right”.We are OK, we are capable of living our lives, and we are more than capable of overcoming the traumas that our abuser(s) left behind.I subscribe to the belief that in order to heal fully you have to face your abusive past, however difficult that may be, but in doing so, you can move on emotionally, forgive your actions, find inner peace, and be the person you want to be, not who 'they' wanted you to be.Please break the silence and demand the right to be recognised!If you want to join, we will support you in your struggle, be 'here' for you when you need us, and help you understand who you are, and what you want to be.The next step is from victim, to SURVIVOR, which is possible. It's not easy, and involves you telling someone else all those deep hidden secrets, but once started, DON’T STOP!

Saturday, 14 April 2012

Angela Williams is the founder of VOICE TODAY, an organization that is dedicated to breaking the cycle and silence of child sexual abuse. Angela is also the author of the book "From Sorrows To Sapphires"VOICE Today: www.voicetoday.org

PART 2

Tom Scales is the author of "Terrible Things Happened To Me" and the Executive Director of Voice Today which is an organization dedicated to breaking the cycle and silence of child sexual abuse.VOICE Today: www.voicetoday.org

We are three! Me myself and I, I know them and they know meAn evolution from a lad corrupted, his mind ripped apartSo we came to be. Once we were more, we had quite a partyAnd created these lives, in us he continues to be.

One was a bully, a loud mouth, a cad. His heart was protectiveOf the lad broken and mad. One was a charmer, clever as can beHe'd get his own way, no matter the price. One was a sleaze ballNo morals, no way. He'd do anything, anyone, any day.

There once were some ladies, their place was to sew, the piecesTogether of the lad you don't know. They also protected, both himAnd the rest, from men out to get them, it was a test. They left usLast summer, they'd had enough. They protected yes but couldnt sew.

One is a gentle man, in word and in deed, he longs for a lifeThat should have been. He is the canvas sewn with love and protectionBut the edges are frayed, and easily torn. He is the one weAll must join, in creation of a man, whole, but nor perfection.

Our goal is to live, together, as one, to look to the futureTo welcome the sun, to welcome the moon that lights up the nightIn peace together, no longer to fight. A new life createdFrom pain and from shame, forgetting the past as we weren't to blame.

Yes we are three, but soon with deliberation, We'll keep all the bestAnd some of the not, to make a new man, to live life as one,Say goodbye Danny Boy, Zach and the otherFor the time has come, to let in big brother.

This Fridays Guest is Kath. She can be found on twitter as @sheepfoldcarer or her blog http://bit.ly/koETTJ

Welcome Kath.

Thank you to Jan for inviting me onto his blog, I appreciate being included in the outreach work he and others are doing.

Two months before my second birthday my mother left me and my brothers and sister in the high street with a note. June 16th 1954. She never returned.

My mother was fined £10 for neglect and abandonment. When I obtained my Social Services file, it told me a lot about my history and confirmed some things that I already knew. By the time I was two I had lost mother, father, brothers, sisters, home and for the rest of those forty years my identity.

I was never to speak of who I was or where I came from, it was forbidden. This is my journey of discovery of myself of my story and memories I can only begin to own through the poems.

I realised that by shutting these poems away, I was repeating what had been done to me, what had been forbidden me-that of having a voice.

The poems I have chosen from my poetry blog 'Legacy for a Two Year Old' represent my journey of recovery of memories which continues to this day.

I think these words explain: A core identity of shame, serves as a defence against full awareness of early traumatisation.

I hope my poems speak about things I am not able to express explicitly.

I wrote poem 7 The box under my head after my brother-who I met again in my late teens, sent me a photograph of his carer, I had lived with the same man after we where first abandoned (aged two), and then I was moved on.

As soon as I pulled the photo from the envelope I went into a spin of panic and memories surfaced.

the second poem Mothers, describes the effects of that broken bond.

Poem 7

The box under my head

That old key you sent to me, in a large brown envelope.Infected with rust and covered in verdigris.It opened a box under my head.From which all manner of demons catapulted.These crazed whirling dervish memories.It seems fitting that she abandoned us, in themonth of blood red poppies and stained memorials.While others dress in pretty summer frocks,I in my weeds play the fool, to make a pantomime.That they may laugh at my ancient griefs.

Poem 22

Mothers

She who abandons, disrupts, disturbs. Sends me into a rage inside myself.Masked off by my rigid face set against you in anger.Hatred made impotent by sorrow, tear washed, soiled by shit and blood.Disgust warps it. The powerful aftermath all that remains from your body.The smell no longer real, its memory enough.Sadness, when I reach back to you long gone. Unheld in your arms.I cannot bear your touch, your skin, to look like you.I freeze with fear, hideous inside, collapsing like a stack of baby bricks.Falling at every human encounter, unfamiliar with social graces.Awkward as a child I fold; go over and over in my mind. . _How should I have behaved? Always wanting to ask was I okay?Did I do okay-say the right thing?What will they think of me?Who is mother?

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

I have said much about family on this blog. Not all bad. Having researched my family tree a few years ago I "dug up" this pair. My maternal Grandmother remembered Dylan Thomas very well and she had photographs and keepsakes from him. Unfortunately when she became ill with dementia many of these went missing, were lost or destroyed. A photograph of her appears in the book Dylan Remembered: Vol. 1: 1914-1934. The family connection is fairly distant (My Great Great Grandmother was first cousin to Dylan Thomas) I am proud of the connection none the less.

THOMAS , DYLAN MARLAIS ( 1914 - 1953 ), poet and prose writer ; b. 27 Oct. 1914 in Swansea , s. of David John Thomas and his wife Florence Hannah (née Williams ) who themselves came from rural, Welsh -speaking families in Cardiganshire , and Carmarthenshire . The father, a nephew of William Thomas ‘ Gwilym Marles ’ ( DWB , 973) , was from 1899 to 1936 English master at Swansea grammar school , which Dylan Thomas attended from 1925 to 1931 . That was his only period of formal education and was followed by some fifteen months as junior reporter on the South Wales Daily Post . His early interest in English poetry had already borne fruit in the four notebooks in which he entered his first mature poems between 1930 and 1933 . These notebooks were to be the major source of poems for his first three published volumes: 18 Poems ( London , 1934 ), Twenty-five poems ( London , 1936 ), and The map of love (short stories and poems) ( London , 1939 ). Publication of individual poems in London periodicals led to his first volume, and that in turn to his arrival in London in Nov. 1934 . During the 1930s his work received increasing American as well as British attention and brought invitations to review books for leading London periodicals. Alternation between literary-social life in London and periods of greater actual creativity in Wales was to remain the pattern throughout his career. A close friendship with the poet Vernon Watkins (see below) in Swansea started in 1935 .

He met Caitlin Macnamara in 1936 and they were m. the following year. In May 1938 they moved for the first time to live in Laugharne, Carms. , the village now most intimately associated with his name, and a deep influence on his later work in verse and prose. He had been awarded the American Blumenthal Poetry Prize , and was writing the autobiographical short stories that were to be published as Portrait of the artist as a young dog ( London , 1940 ). The comic realism of these stories was in marked contrast to the macabre and surrealistic element in his earlier tales, which can be read in A Prospect of the sea ( London , 1955 ). Continuation of autobiographical material in the form of a novel remained unfinished, but was published as Adventures in the skin trade ( London , 1955 ). After the outbreak of World War II he started to write radio scripts for the B.B.C. and to take part in broadcast talks and readings . His popularity as a broadcaster remained to the end of his life, and the quality of his work for radio is reflected in the volume Quite early one morning ( London , 1954 ). From 1942 to the end of the war he was employed as a script-writer for Strand Films in London . An example of his work in this medium is The Doctor and the devils ( London , 1953 ).

The period of war had interrupted his writing of poetry, though towards the end of the war Wales became increasingly his major home. At Llangain and New Quay in 1944-45 a new period of poetic creativity started, the most productive since the early days in Swansea , leading to the publication of Deaths and entrances ( London , 1946 ). At the end of the war, however, he also started to show interest in visiting America , and the need to earn a living (mainly through work for films and radio ) meant having to be within reach of London . From 1946 to 1949 therefore the poet and his family lived in or near Oxford . He visited Prague in 1949 as guest of the Czechoslovakian government .

He moved to live in the ‘ Boat House ’ at Laugharne in May 1949 , where his third child was born, and where Thomas hoped to establish a permanent home, helped possibly by visits to America where his reputation as a poet was now firm. The first of these visits was in Feb.-June 1950 and was followed by three more in 1952 and 1953 . The individual work which occupied most of his time from 1950 onwards was the radio play Under Milk Wood ( London , 1954 ), the main inspiration for which were the atmosphere and inhabitants of Laugharne itself. During the second American tour his last individual volume of poems was published, in America only, as In country sleep ( New York , 1952 ). This completed the range of volumes that were to make up his Collected poems 1934-1952 ( London , 1952 ) and which won the award of the Foyle's Poetry Prize . The complications of heavy drinking and irresponsibility with money meant, however, that not even the profitable American visits were to remove the financial and personal insecurity which made the poet less and less productive of new work at home. He d. in New York on 9 Nov. 1953 and is buried at Laugharne .Bibliography:

THOMAS , WILLIAM Gwilym Marles ; 1834 - 1879 ), Unitarian minister, social reformer, writer, and schoolmaster ; b. at Glan Rhyd y Gwiail , near Brechfa, Carms. , son of William and Ann Thomas (née Jones ) , but adopted by his father's sister. He was educated at Ffrwd-y-fâl school , 1851 , Carmarthen College , 1852-6 , and Glasgow University , 1856-60 , where he graduated M.A. He was an Independent when he went to Carmarthen College , but a Unitarian when he left it, and when he had completed his course at Glasgow he settled down as Unitarian minister of Bwlch-y-fadfa and Llwynrhydowen , where he remained from 1860 until his death. From Nov. 1857 to Feb. 1858 he was private tutor to Islwyn (q.v.) ; in 1855 he had written a novel for Seren Gomer . In 1859 he published his little book, Prydyddiaeth , and he edited and wrote a great deal for his periodical, Yr Athraw , during the short period of its existence from Sept. 1865 to Aug. 1867 . His chief contributions to the Ymofynydd were ‘ Cofion a Chyffesiadau ,’ 1861 , ‘ Hanner awr gyda'r Bardd o Bantycelyn ,’ 1863 , and ‘ Theodore Parker ,’ 1863-4 . He was completely converted to Parker 's theological and social views and, for that reason, may be regarded as the founder of modern Unitarianism in Wales . He joined wholeheartedly in the Liberal movement in Cardiganshire , and his contributions to the Press, his speeches, and his sermons aroused the antagonism of the landlords with the result that he and his congregation were turned out of the old Llwynrhydowen chapel , 29 Oct. 1876 . He took a leading part in the 1868 election and was a strong advocate of the secret ballot . He kept a school at Llandysul , 1860-79 , and was the means of starting a new Unitarian church in the town. He d. 11 Dec. 1879 , and was buried in the burial ground of the new chapel at Llwynrhydowen .Bibliography:Gwilym Marles (‘Cyfres y Fil’), Llanuwchllyn, 1905 (‘Cyfres y Fil’), 1905 ; diaries and manuscripts in Llwynrhydowen library; Eminent Welshmen , 1908 ; Yr Ymofynnydd (memorial issue), Oct. 1934 ; R. J. Jones , The Unitarian Students at the Presbyterian College, Carmarthen…1796–1901 , 1901 .Author:Rev. David Jacob Davies, (1916-74), Aberdare / Alltyblaca, Llanybydder.

I would like to add, just for the record, that I suffered NO abuse from this side of the family...

Sunday, 8 April 2012

Since last summer I have posted many articles on this blog written by my friend Steve Bevan, of AMSOSA UK.

I met Steve through Twitter and attended his Male Survivors Weekend Retreat last year. Steve has worked with Male Survivors for over 21 years and founded AMSOSA in 1991 and is recognised as a leading expert in male survivors of sexual abuse/rape in the United Kingdom. He has also given guest talks, training and workshops in the U.K, U.S, Australia, New Zealand, and in Scandinavia and is soon to set off to South Africa to do the same.

"The mission of AMSOSA is to empower men who have experienced sexual abuse or rape, and enable them to live happier, healthier lives. We offer male survivors the opportunity to focus on the ability to heal and recover, by dealing with 1/3rd of their past, 1/3rd of their present, and 1/3rd of their future, covering aspects of the sexual abuse they have suffered, yet focussing on the strength and courage they possess, and leaving the past where it belongs.

We are a regionally based, nationally recognised, and internationally known agency, providing specialised training to NHS Trusts, Social Services, Police forces, SARCS, Victim Support teams, and offer counselling sessions within prisons, hostels, day centres and other agencies."

I asked Steve to write a piece for this blog and am very proud to present it here.

CONFUSION & FEAR

Just two of the many issues that male survivor face when struggling to come to terms with the sexual abuse they have suffered as children, teenagers or adults.

Confusion is often as to why were they abused, and that is a question that is never going to be answered properly, yet keeps coming back to haunt them and demands an answer.

My simple short answer to those questions, when it’s raised, is they were abused because the person or persons, who abused them were nothing less than sick dirty people, who should never be allowed near anyone again, as they are twisted and evil men and women.

Yes women abuse both boys and men, and women also abuse young boys and girls too.

The fears that kick in after being abuse are complex and differs from one survivor to another, but the primary fear is of being seen, of being found out and of being judged wrongly remains the same, and has the same effects upon the survivor.

Male survivors automatically wrongly inherit the guilt, shame and blame for the abuse that was done to them, and grow up thinking and believing that they were part of the abuse.

Other fears that kick in is will they be called gay, or labelled as weak, and some guys even think they were to blame for what happened to them, because they didn’t stop the abuse or tell someone who would have stopped it.

The answer to that is they did the best they could, under the circumstances, to deal with what happened to them, and shouldn’t look back and judge themselves so harshly, because they coped.

Sexual abuse and rape impacts deeply upon the heart, soul and inner core of a man, as he grows up, trying to deal with the abuse he suffered, and also survived, and my job is to show him that he is a survivor, can become a thrive, and can overcome the past, to become the man he wants to be, not the person he has been led to be.

It’s far from easy to let go of the past, but it can be done with the right support, and belief that he is capable of doing so.

After the rains that fell so softIn my mind I see a viewThis time not a field full of flowersBut a life with me being without you.When you left me, forever, not to returnA big part of me died.I told you that I didn't need youBut I couldn't convince my heart, I lied.Loneliness took the place of your faceAnd the nights became so long, too long.Depression transformed to agitationAnd I knew that I was oh so wrong.I can't spend the rest of my lifeCrying over the past, In Pain. In vain.I just need to concentrate on the futureAnd something solid that will last.Does anything last?After the rains that fell so softIn my mind I see a viewOf me adjusting to the changes,And I'm far better off without you.

Too many memories and feelings running through my head. Part of me wishing I'd shut up and not gone "public" and another part wanting to scream it out so loudly that no-one would miss what I was saying.

Everything seems to be setting me off. I just feel sick.

I try to push the pictures and memories out of my head. I cannot concentrate.

It's all well and good trying to deal with it but right now I just want it all to go away. I don't want to be that person anymore. It didn't happen to me. It was a bad dream.

I'm spiralling into a depression again and if I let that happen I'll be good for nothing. I cannot let it beat me, but what the hell do I do!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have "coped" with my life in many ways. From the fantasy escapism of my previous post, denial, writing, drinking, obsessiveness and maybe most importantly by the use of my "mask".

Dissociative identity disorder

My masks are different characters with strengths and weaknesses that compliment the whole. Everybody can put on a mask, in my case it became my means of survival. Over the years they have been numerous but have come down to about three.

Danny is basically confident, flirty, eloquent, charming and unafraid of risks. Good at business and financially astute.

Zachary Is a reckless, moody teenager at heart! He loses his temper easily and acts like a spoilt brat at times. He is very protective of the "inner child", the core being. He likes possessions, he likes to spend. He also likes his alcohol..

Jon is the child as an adult. Dysfunctional, depressive, anxiety ridden, emotionally cold, subservient and afraid of everything. A hopeless romantic who always falls for the wrong person.

Together they make up ME. These names have been inside me since I was about ten years old. Zach was first, followed by John then much later, Danny.

They are the guardians of my inner child, my wounded warrior.

I have had different masks in the past, even female ones.

Over the years "I" have lost time. I didn't slip into some time/space fracture. I can only assume that a guardian had taken full control. I was tested for epilepsy some years ago. It was negative.

I frequently get what I have called "waves" across my head. A feeling of spacing out, sometimes accompanied by nausea. Occasionally I can totally phase out. Then time is lost. A few people have come to recognise these times and apparently when I am phased out I act as a totally "normal" human being. Well normal in that I eat, speak etc.

I think the guardians know more than me.....

So, here I am. Should I say here we are. I just don't know.

Time will tell I am sure.

UPDATE....... September 2011

I was contacted via Twitter last night and asked to explain further the relationship between these guardians.

A good friend of mine last night said she hadn't known about my masks. It got me thinking. If she remembers many years ago my appearance would change quite dramatically. She even said this to me last week but she was referring to expressions more than appearance I think.

To go back to the first question.

Jon is nearly always present, it is only when the phase outs happen that Jon is totally blanked out. The rest of the time feels like a party going on inside my head. I do not see them as separate entities, more aspects of the whole. We are Borg.....

Update....February 2012

During a chat with a friend recently it transpires I was wrong...

Danny was the first split. He is also now the only one, other than myself, that remains.

In my twenties I was even going to change my name... Daniel Benjamin Frayzerman.

Three times in the last year Danny has held independent conversations with others online. Well, three times that I know of.

Jon and Zachary intergrated before Christmas 2011. Now I need to sort out Danny.