It is more important to know where you are going, than how long it takes to get there.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Scares...

Last October I had my first scare. It had nothing to do with Halloween or a bad hair day...

I went for my one year check-up, (about 4 months late,)with my surgeon, Dr. T. Best. Dr. T. Best would be an amazing poker player because she always has a pleasant look on her face no matter what the situation. However, she dropped a card, losing her poker face when she began to examine me. As she studied my reconstructed and radiated left breast, her eyes and forehead said, "That doesn't look so good." As she was prodding around her "hmmmming" said, "I don't like what I see." And then, her words actually said, "I think I would like to get a biopsy of a couple of spots. It doesn't look or feel quite right. I would like to do them right away. Can you stay around today while I schedule an appointment across the way?" My heart sunk down lower than any previous drop.
I shuffled outside the office with my scheduled appointment for 3 hours later. I sat down on the first bench in the hallway and went numb. Everything about me froze. All I could hear was the sound of air swirling past my eardrum. I though I was going to cry, but I just sat, staring straight ahead. I think tears may have welled up in my eyes, but I don't remember.

After I snapped myself out of it, ate a decent burrito from a nearby tacqueria, and sat in the MGH healing garden, I went to another building for the biopsy. The pathologist reminded me of The Absent Professor. She had a brand new, state of the art ultrasound machine, but she was flustered because didn't know how to use it, so she used her old machine. After numbing a couple of locations (my second numbing for the day) she inserted huge needles, and then dug around with them. I felt like a turkey on Thanksgiving with the chef swirling the turkey baster under the skin. The results came back negative for whatever they were looking for that could have been positive... more cancer, I guess.

I never worried about cancer returning until that day in October. I have an unjustified fear that if cancer returns, it comes back worse than in the first place. To me, it seems like more people die from a second or third round than the first. (I know, I am probably wrong, but I'll pass on this research.)
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My second scare was early this spring. I had a lady issue - (I don't know why I am embarrassed to write the word spotting.) Dr. Banana S. sent me for an internal ultrasound...I will let you guess what that might entail. I had one long ago, at the beginning of this cancer dance, so I was prepared. However, this time I didn't need to drink gallons of water and slosh in with a full blatter. I asked the tech at MGH why I didn't need to drink the water. She responded that they have not used that technique for several years. She said that the bigger hospitals have technology that allows them to see what they need without a full bladder.
Really? Why doesn't everyone have that technology?
A week later I get a call Dr. Banana S's office saying that the ultrasound was a little abnormal and that she wanted me to get a biopsy with an OB-GYN. As you can imagine, this biopsy was a little different than the scare #1 biopsy. Because I only had c-sections, my cervical door was never opened, making it difficult for Dr. OBGYN to get a biopsy. So, lucky me, I had to get dilated - and I don't mean the eyes that require the stylish, senior-citizen sunglasses. I can definitively say that this was without a doubt, the absolute worst medical experience ever! The pain and discomfort was so awful that I became completely nauseous. (If Riley would have just opened the door when I was in labor, I could have avoided this hell.)
The results came back negative for whatever they were looking for the could have been positive...more cancer, I guess.

I don't want to think that I am a hypochondriac, but I now worry much more often-than I care to admit- about cancer returning. I've had a pain in my wrist for over 3 months. I went to my new primary care - who is not long for my world - and she had no idea what was causing the pain. I told her about my recent Zometa infusion, and she responded, "Why are you taking Zometa?" Duh...cancer, remember the visit when I talked to you about it atgreat lengths? She said, "Oh I guess I should look at your chart." (Can someone please tell me why I can find the best cancer doctors but keep striking out on primary care physicians?!) On my regularly scheduled visit with Dr. Banana S. in May, I asked her about the pain because I remember that she once said that breast cancer often returns in the bones. So, I naturally thought I now have bone cancer - self-inflicted scare #3. She said that it is rare for bone cancer to first show up in an extremity. Usually it manifests in the torso. However, she once saw it show up in an ankle. I still have the pain, and I still don't know exactly what is causing it. Dr. Banana S. thought that it appeared like a nerve issue. Boy, do I have a lot of nerve issues...someone always seems to be stepping on my last one!

My tooth and jaw have been hurting for a couple of weeks. Finally, the pain reached a crescendo and I had to do something about it...root canal. Is the jaw part of the torso? Yes, I thought, can you get cancer in the jaw? - self-inflicted scare #4. When I drove home from the emergency root canal, I was in terrible pain - the entire left side of my face, ear and jaw were throbbing.. I went through the medicine cabinet like a tornado, looking for the Vicodin that I never took with the cancer surgery. Chubba saw me crying and was worried. He asked, "They didn't find cancer in the jaw, did they?" It appears that I am not the only one worried about cancer returning. Wouldn't you know that just a couple of days ago someone told me about a friend with cancer in their jaw. Swell.

I had to go to two different locations for my dead tooth. Each dentist/endodontist had to look over my medical history. Strangely, they both asked me the exact same question, "Are you completely clean?" I assumed they meant of cancer because I did shower before my appointments. I responded, "I hope so." The closest someone has said that I was completely clean was when my surgeon said that she believes she got it all. I don't think any oncologist or any other doctor would ever be so bold to say that someone is completely free and clear of cancer.

Whacky thought of the day...
Can you sweat in a swimming pool?

Whacky thought of the day #2...
I just saw that this is my 100th post. Thank you to those who have hung on through all my rambles!