No, I’m not informing today, I’m asking! How in the heck am I supposed to tame my crazy baby, people?

I see all of these perfect, model-citizen babies when I go out with Emmy. These babies are all sitting straight up in their carts or walking nicely alongside their parents and then there’s Emmy, slipping past the restraint, standing, and turning around in the cart to grab bananas or something and when let free on the ground, terrorizing like a tiny, ADHD-riddled dinosaur.

Lately, we’ve been having a few problems with keeping her civil when she’s on furniture and, while it’s not a huge deal, we’d like to know how to change the behavior! I’m just scared that she’s going to crack her skull one of these days by standing and/or bouncing on the couch. I can just see it happening now!

Now, Emmy is basically a saint of a baby, but she does have her problems, as every baby does. Her craziness and her hyperactivity isn’t even her fault—it’s inbuilt and pre-programmed in her and probably comes from me, so I can’t be upset with her when she is a bit whacky and active. We just get worried about her safety sometimes, as any rational parent would be!

Emmy has busted herself up, hit her head, split her lips, tripped, and all sorts of things since the time she could crawl and does so every day. She’s not clumsy or anything; she’s like normal, baby clumsy and she’s so darn cute to watch, but it also makes your heart race. She moves a million miles an hour, is up and down on the couches, trying to climb on her high-chair, is in and out of the cupboards, trying to charge for the stairs, climbing on our bed, running, running, running! Ahhh, we need all the coffee to keep up!

So I’m just wondering, how in the world do you tame a crazy baby? Is there any way to calm her down a bit? We try (mainly Kayleigh as I’m at work or school quite often) to refocus her energies and keep her busy but she can be a little defiant at times, as all youngins can be.

Have any of you ever had a ferret? You know, those long tube-like, semi-crazy little mustelids (not rodents, I checked. Google it!) that scurry around and have no chill? The ones that steal all of your stuff and have ALL the energy and sometimes bite you if they feel like it?

Well, I hate to have to inform you all, but Emmy has become a ferret.

Recently—like sometime in the last couple of weeks—she’s decided that one of the greatest things in the world is taking other peoples things and putting them in places that they would never think to look.

The other day Kayleigh and I were making dinner and Emerson was running around, doing what she does—being a nutcase and attacking the animals—what else? She then proceeded to grab Kayleigh’s stepdad’s flip-flops and made her way into the kitchen where we were slaving over the counter and stove, working hard to get food ready for her. She walked over to the oven, opened the drawer underneath, threw the flip-flops in, and walked away.

Let me begin by telling you that babies aren’t always easy—as if that’s not something you’ve been told forever—and I’m here to let you know about something that rips out my heart, much like Lloyd Christmas does to the chef in Dumb and Dumber.

Emmy was born active and stubborn, strong-willed and, to put it lightly, strong in the physical sense, too. She’s been go, go, go and always on the move from the second she wakes up until the moment she goes down every night. She doesn’t quit is what I’m getting at; she’s constantly in motion—doing, exploring, learning. While this all may sound great, fine-and-dandy even, there are days when all I want to do is rip my fuckin’ hair out!