Here’s Brad Pitt in New Orleans today shooting scenes with Finn Wittrock Wetcock for the movie The Big Shortand I don’t know what’s really going on in that scene, but the vibe is very “closeted suburban dad trolling for some young trade to suck off in the backseat of his Ford Taurus parked in an empty church parking lot.”

That outfit. Those Costco eyeglasses circa 2001, that Eddie Bauer outlet sweater sold “as is,” those khaki cargo pants and those shoes. Those hideous shoes. Those are the kind of eco-friendly men’s mules that have the power to make pussy and ass lips shrivel and run up into their owner’s body. CROCs also have that power. A man who wears khaki cargo pants with eco-friendly mules is the kind of man who always says “gosh darn,” because he doesn’t like to curse, but you know that behind closed doors he’s into some kinky shit. If I saw a guy in a leather harness and assless chaps walking his pig bottom slave boy down the street, I wouldn’t blink an eye. But if I saw a man in khaki cargo pants and eco-friendly mules, I’d say to myself, “Now that is a freak who is into some major kink.” It’s always the quiet ones, and it’s ALWAYS the ones in khaki cargo pants and eco-friendly mules.

And now that I look at him again, Brad Pitt kind of looks like a middle-aged Haley Joel Osment in a Land’s End catalog.

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