By Smaktakula

In which, armed with nothing more than a severely attenuated attention span and an ignorance both boundless and sublime, we respond to the news headlines of the day without bothering to first read the articles.

Do American Jews Live in a Cocoon? ~ How is it fair that you get away with saying a thing like that? That time when Smaktakula said that Jewish people were terrifying moth-like creatures, HE lost his job!

Has ‘Glee’ Officially Taken It Too Far? ~ Oh, please. Okay, first of all, for something to be declared “official”, some sort of governing body must exist with the authority to make pronouncements regarding how far “it” has been taken. Moreover, in the ridiculously unlikely event that a network television show did somehow manage to find itself “taking it too far”, it’s a pretty safe bet that show wouldn’t be a cloying time-killer aimed at campy gay dudes and lonely spinsters.

Group argues weed is safer than booze~ Unfortunately, they were arguing with a group of drunks, who promptly assaulted them. There were tearful apologies the next morning of course, but that doesn’t change the fact that Skeeter got a bottle shoved in his eye.

Teen texts cops: ‘I hid the body … now what?’~ Now you cut off the fingertips and smash the teeth, making future identification of your victim more difficult for the authorities. Next, cover the body in lime to aid in decomposition. Lastly, as tempting as it may be to make a tearful, drunken confession to a close friend who will then inevitably turn you into the authorities, you’re best served by keeping your mouth shut. You’ll do it, though. You’ll talk.

There is one man beside whom all other celebarrasments* pale in comparison, an iconic vision of wasted genes to whom the likes of Roger Clinton, Zeituni Onyango and Mark Thatcher must all take a back seat. Billy Carter was the alpha and omega of cringeworthy relations.

"Hell No, You Can't Drive! Damn It, Rog--You're Lucky To Be Here After What Happened At Chelsea's Wedding. Yeah, Well Maybe I Wouldn't Have To Keep Bringing It Up If You'd Stop Acting Like A Horse's Ass."

Although James Earl Carter was very nearly a Rhodes Scholar, little brother Billy had trouble simply walking upright. Where the elder Carter boy tended to be precise and methodical, Billy was full of alcohol-fueled bombast. Billy stuck to Jimmy like gum on a tennis shoe until late in the beleaguered Carter Presidency, when facing a primary challenge from party loyalist Ted Kennedy, Jimmy was forced to denounce his brother.

It Runs On Redneck Power. Just Fill 'Er Up With Methamphetamine & Schlitz And Watch That Baby Go!"

Until then, however, Billy was able to wreak all manner of mischief. His disastrous sponsorship of Billy Beer only highlighted his pitiable alcoholism. Likewise, pissing on the tarmac of the Atlanta airport in full sight of the press while awaiting the arrival a Libyan cohort from whose terror-funding government he took a variety of gifts and payments did little to help his brother’s malaise-ridden presidency.

Some Cases Of Down Syndrome Go Undiagnosed For Years.

The Anti-Defamation League of the B’nai B’rith called out Billy for his unseemly relationship with Col. Muammar al-Gaddafi, but the slack-jawed redneck wasn’t concerned. Said Billy sagely, “All I can say is there is a hell of a lot more Arabs than there is Jews.”

Billy Was Proud Of His Business Acumen. On His Decision To Do Business With Libyans Rather Than Jews: "Sorry Fellers, But I Got To Go With Them What Knows How To Make Some Money!"

Although Billy Carter would live until pancreatic cancer claimed him at the age of 51 in 1988, in many ways he died on January 20th, 1981 as Ronald Reagan took office. It was as if after a dismal economy, the 444-day hostage crisis and an electoral beatdown at the hands of Reagan, Jimmy Carter’s presidential legacy was already in tatters, and there was nothing left for Billy to do.

"Y'Hear That? No President IN HISTORY Has Had A More Embarrassing Relative. Not Just 'The Second Half Of The 20th Century,' So You Can Put That In Your Cigar And Smoke It."