Sorry. Don't take it personally. This is about as scientific as Klout's own measurements — which is to say, it's pretty much a crapshoot. You're probably a lovely person. Although you might want to cut down on the swearing a bit.

What do the ratings mean?

Klouchebag uses the ARSE rating system. Anger: profanity and rage. Retweets: "please RT"s, no or constant retweeting, and old-style. Social Apps: every useless checkin on foursquare or its horrible brethren. And English Usage: if you use EXCLAMATION MARKS OMG!!! or no capitals at all, this'll be quite high.

Isn't "douchebag" a sexist insult?

Opinion is divided. I chose it because it's the only insult that you can put "kl" in the front of and still have it mostly make sense. (Plus, "klunt.com" was unavailable.)

Why no achievements? Ooh, or perks?

I don't want people to actually start competing! (And I'm a bit lazy.)

It's broken!

Quite possibly. This was coded in a few hours' frenzy after getting the idea, and there are almost certainly bugs. It won't work if your corporate network blocks Twitter, for example.

But... but my Klout score is important!

No it's not. It's like search engine optimisation, only for yourself. Ignore it. Concentrate on making amazing things, caring about the people around you, and not being a douchebag. If you do that, then you'll soon realise that it doesn't matter one jot what an algorithm thinks of you.

I have another question!

Email me. I'm friendly. Oh, and I thought I should mention that I'm looking for work doing web, video and viral stuff. Just in case.