Ian Goodwillie

When I wake up first thing in the morning I realize that it is extremely important that I become one with the universe. I accomplish this task by expelling fluids of a variety or colours and textures from my body. I know what you're thinking; what part of my body do those fluids come from? I know what the obvious choice is and you're wrong. After that I like to eat a hearty breakfast of Gatorade and pure awesome. Then, I am ready for a solid hour of instilling fear in Kindergarten students. I am not, in fact, a teacher. I just like to stop by local schools on my way to work. It makes me feel like a big man and gets me ready to face another day of crushing defeat. It is also important to let the kids know what the real world is like by stepping on their lunches and peeing in the sandbox. And then it's on to my full-time job as a heroin addict. It's not as easy as people think to get into that line of work. It's a tough job market out there! I needed a PhD.