Nine reasons NOT to go vegetarian or vegan in National Vegetarian Week

What if plants feel pain?

Ross Robertson

Published:17:30Monday 23 May 2016

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As we approach the end of National Vegetarian Week - May 16-24 - we’ve just learned the number of vegans has more than tripled in the UK in the past ten years.

But while those pesky veggies are trying to convert you to their meat-free ways, here’s nine reasons why you shouldn’t:

1) Cows will take over the world

Every year in the UK we slaughter 2.5million land animals for food - and a good job too. If we kept breeding them at the current rate but didn’t eat them, there’d be cows and chickens running wild in the streets.

2) Vegetarians and vegans are soft as clarts

Look at David Haye. He’s supposed to be a tough boxer whose been world champion in two weight categories, but admits getting upset at the thought of eating animals. Softie.

3) Hitler was a vegetarian

There hasn’t been enough research done into a possible link between Hitler’s crimes against humanity and his vegetarianism. He was also a painter, whistled, and had facial hair, so don’t do any of those things either.

4) Veggie-types are unhealthy

While various studies have shown a vegetarian diet can lower the risk of heart problems, cancer, and diabetes, as well as being better for the gut and skin, we all know someone who knew someone who tried giving up meat and felt really unhealthy as a result.

Being vegetarian is unnatural. And while we’re on the subject, so is driving cars, watching TV, and turning on the central heating. Let’s get back to Stone Age living as soon as possible. The paleo diet is in fashion, after all.

7) Meat tastes really good (and, for those of a religious persuasion, if your chosen deity hadn’t meant for us to eat animals - why did he make them so tasty?)

Vegetarians and vegans’ main reason for giving up meat is of course because they don’t like tasty foods. Don’t they ever just want a bacon sandwich?

8) What if plants feel pain too?

I mean, they don’t have a central nervous system, but that’s not real proof. We just don’t know.

More plants are used to feed the animals we slaughter for meat than if we just ate those crops ourselves. But see above: meat tastes so good.

9) Vegetarians and vegans are forever getting stuck on desert islands with an animal, and having to decide whether they should starve to death or eat it