amanda has just been turning up at my house for the night constantly. i'm not complaining, i'm celebrating...but it's a curious observation. i was really lonely, so i'm glad she parked outside my house at midnight and begged via txt to be let in. we were both love-starved and slept intwined, unable to do much more than close our eyes and breathe and concentrate on other things. my soul is toast. last night i ran away early and laid down to see "the silence". i read anais nin but had to put it down because reading about henry miller was starting to make me disoriented. the way she writes about him in incest...her observations on their relationship and the dynamic with june, i didn't want to think about that stuff. i had a pretty bad headache, and i didn't notice until amanda started txting me that i was pretty asleep. she came by and we fidgeted around the computer.

clare and kara are both going to be here for each others' birthdays. last year at kara's birthday party, clare and i walked home together. a lot had happened between us, and we were just starting to get back to normalish. we passed her house and i looked up and wondered aloud what do you think he's doing...to clare. it just sticks out in my mind. i looked over at his car and wished i was there. it was just the first time that had happened unprompted. i was thinking about it because amanda and i were looking through pictures from clare's birthday, which was not a few days later.

yeah, yeah...you are thinking, cease with the dwelling. well, you know what, i know when i'm being very bad about this sort of thing. and i know that i'm not right now. my head's pretty clear, comparatively...i'd much rather consider the future. i have been thinking about that a fair bit.

it's just a tad more of an exertion of energy to look ahead and be hopeful, as opposed to curling up into the past. derr. i am going to go wake amanda now.