Help Me Pharyngulate (wait, can I say that?) This Poll

… conducting a nationwide survey of America’s politically active Christians so we can show the politicians and the media exactly where we stand on critical issues.

[ In case you have trouble connecting, the URL is http://cc.org/webform/2012_american_values_survey ]

[ Also, see Afternote 2/Warning at the end of this post. ]

And they want to make sure your voice is included.

I say we pitch in. After all, it doesn’t say only Christians, and nobody else.

And it’s not like the questions are politically loaded or anything. They’re all open, honest, think-your-own-well-informed-thoughts-and-answer-according-to-your-independent-conscience questions. No, really.

Like:

Do you support the repeal of Obamacare?

That’s the first question.

Not “Do you support repeal of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act of 2010?” or “Do you support repeal of the Health Care and Education Reconciliation Act of 2010?”

Or even “Do you have any fucking idea — I mean, even something you read off the wall of a public restroom — of what the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act of 2010 provides?”

No, “Obamacare.”

But also:

Do you support a ban on embryonic stem cell research, (which destroys a human embryo)?

(… but could possibly cure diabetes, reverse Alzheimer’s, and relieve pain and disability for millions of future beneficiaries?)

Do you support elimination of all public funding of abortions, (such as through government health benefits)?

(Yes, because a baby is the best punishment for those fornicating whores who have the unmitigated gall to have sex outside the official permission of marriage.)

Do you support a constitutional amendment to define marriage as the union of one man and one woman?

(Dude, yeah! Because then what about polygamy? Or, like, you know, marrying cows!)

Do you think homosexual couples should be legally allowed to adopt children?

(Oh, Jesus, Millicent, they will turn them all into lesbians like that Ellen Degenerate, and pretty soon we’ll all be covered in Santorum!”

Illegal aliens, activist judges, yada, yada.

This one threw me:

Do you agree that we have a Biblical mandate to care for God’s creation and to protect our children’s future by curbing pollution that may be altering our climate?:

Because, yeah, I agree that we should curb climate-altering pollution, but if I answered Yes, the “Biblical mandate” part of it would make me feel dirty. It would be like buying a balloon animal in the city park from a sticky-handed pedophile.

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Afternote: I’ve had some problems getting back onto the site. I thought they might have some sort of smart anti-atheist block in place, but maybe it’s just that their servers are getting slammed. An alternate gateway onto the survey is via their Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/christiancoalition?sk=wall

Afternote 2/Warning: billsheehan points out in comments that this isn’t a real poll/survey, it’s a way of harvesting email addresses. Given that the results aren’t shown — they SAY they’ll release the results, but there’s no indication of where or when — he’s probably right.