Monday, February 22, 2010

Serious Problem Facing Our Nation's Schools...

Yesterday I was with kindergarteners and 1st graders, and HOLY COW there is a serious bad breath issue in schools today. Forget obesity, this issue could kill me as I hold my breath every time they get like 2 inches from my face and ask me "MISS P!? DID I DO THIS RIGHT?!" with as much breathing on me as they can, meanwhile I am about to set a Guinness record for breath-holding.

Christen went through a phase of refusing to brush her teeth and I would force her before I took her because I do not like being breathed on with dragon-breath. Seriously kid, you have like 8 teeth. How hard is it to brush? They make all kinds of fun toothpastes and toothbrushes and super colors and GET THAT STUFF IN YOUR MOUTH AND WASH STAT! I even scared her, telling her if she didn't brush the germs in her mouth would get into her body and make her sick and she's have to get 100 shots in the hospital, tied to 4 IVs and a facemask and her doctor would be really mean and ugly.

Also, how is it that places like Indonesia and Pakistan can get their kids to like, assemble shoes and clothing, and I couldn't get 20 1st graders to string Fruit Loops onto yarn to make necklaces? It was like THE HARDEST THING EVAR YOU GUIZE. I was like "okay, WATCH ME. It's SUPER EASY. USE A COLOR PATTERN, WHATEVER YOU WANT, AND PUT 100 LOOPS ON THE YARN. [I write 100 on the board] GOT IT?"

"Miss, how many?!""Teacher, what do I do?""Miss! Robert eated the cereal!""Miss, can you count this?""Miss, how many?"

HOLY CRAP HOW CAN KIDS IN OTHER COUNTRIES BE EXPLOITED FOR CHILD LABOR AND YOU GUYS CAN'T BE KEPT FROM EATING YOUR CRAFTS?!!!

Seriously, I want to tell the poor children in sweatshops, "If you guys start acting like total turdrockets like American kids, they'd stop making you work. Srsly."