A Look Back on My life as a Pop Superstar and Eminem’s Girlfriend

MY SPOTLIGHT on the beautiful, inspirational girls of NinjaAndBuckwild is still coming up next, as well as my SUPER-serious expose on the comedic mind of “Saturday Night Live” alum and every famous comedian’s best friend, Colin Quinn.

In the meanwhile, in honor of the waning hours of #ThrowbackThursday, I thought we would journey back to the early 2000’s and dive into some good old-fashioned joshing at my behest. Of all the humiliating things I have done in privacy in my 26 years on Earth, keeping a diary as a fictional person takes the cake. By “fictional person,” I do not mean some generic idea of a pretty, idealized young woman–some reverse-funhouse image of my inner self… Nope, nope, my fictional person had a biography:

5. She also was entangled in a surprisingly stable web of love with rapper Eminem and despite being EMINEM’S girlfriend, Jean never got dissed on song.

I wish I could cite a younger age for this activity but sadly, I was already in the throes of adolescence. I wrote harrowingly emotional journal entries as this “Jean” and I did so from age 12 through freshman year of high school.

Jean was an international pop star. Naturally, she had to have a webpage:

Jean was going to write her own profile in The New Yorker on how she found her voice:

Apparently, I was going to go to Clive Davis’s pre-Grammy party and apparently, I was going to steal Avril Lavigne’s song, “Complicated” from her and sing it at the Grammys and then do a duet with Norah Jones on her hit, “Don’t Know Why.” WHO THE FUCK IS JUSTIN? Timberlake? What did he do to you, Jean? Oh, poor Justin.

Now, this is my favorite. If my relationship with Eminem was real, this would have been the most beautiful diary entry a girlfriend has ever written about her boyfriend and his daughter, Hailie.

One major question: WHO THE FUCK IS ALFIE, 12-14 year old Lillian??

Goodbye, Jean Gellar. Goodbye, cousin Sarah Michelle. I got, like real-world probz to deal with now. I lay you and that part of my hyperactive imagination to rest. Forever?