I have these days where I figure I must be a sociopath of some sort, and my hatred for my fellow human burns bright and merry in my heartless interior. Excuse the lofty monologue, I'm watching a special on the Civil War and they all talk like that and it's rubbing off on me.

But seriously, I do hate people.

There are particular traits in people that I find unbearable. To make them more bearable, and to lash out in a wonderfully passive-aggressive way, I made these. They're little info cards of people I hate, complete with vital statistics so others can learn to avoid these horrible specimens of sub-humanity. They aren't terribly well done, having been created in a fit of misanthropic rage, and yes, these are based on real people that I actually know.

First is The Merry FooleHabitat: The Merry Foole is, unfortunately, at home everywhere, but he prefers folk music festivals and Renaissance FairesCan Be Seen With: Large-brimmed hat decorated with feather, outdated musical instrument played with rudimentary skill, patchwork everything, dubious facial hairDiet: Berries and nuts and a good draught of hearty aleMusical Taste: Faux-medieval caterwaulingFancies Himself: Terribly clever, mischievous, brilliantly unconventional, irresistible to the fairer sex, possessed of captivating musical skillIs Actually: Fairly predictable, affected, socially awkward, dull, pretentiousCan Be Found In The Company Of: Fat girls in corsets who titter at his limericksActivities: singing, rhyming, prancing, invading spaceWishes: It were the year 1125 (factual historical knowledge is not his strong point), to score with all the damselsDoesn't Understand: SarcasmRole Models: Every "Foole" character in every Shakespeare play

Then we have The Furry Sidekick. I hate this person a lot, lot more. This person, in real life, is 24 goddamn years old. Seriously.Habitat: Childrens' musicals, near a TV when Dragon Tales is on, holed up in a bedroom reading mangaCan Be Seen With: Overalls, striped socks, furry animal ears/tails, perpetually insipid facial expressionDiet: Ramen, candy, Ramune sodaMusical Taste: anime intro songs, show tunes, J-PopFancies Herself: Adorable, impossible to dislike, necessary, a cartoon character, is full of childlike wonderIs Actually: Nauseating, shrill, age-inappropriate, extremely annoying, usually harboring some deep-seated psychological issuesCan Be Found In The Company Of: Anyone who will give her attention, or hopping around the perimeter of a group looking for said attentionActivities: Squealing, meowing, chirping, making fan-art and -fiction, trying hard to ignore the scarier aspects of adulthoodWishes: Her ears and tail were real, that she could be 5 forever, to find a hot cartoon guy of her very own, that she didn't have to think about being an adultDoesn't Understand: Why people don't want to be around her, what is and is not age appropriate, the scary dark grown-up feelings deep down insideRole Models: Pikachu, and every furry sidekick in every anime ever produced

So I was a real dick and posted these to deviantART, which will, if they ever see it, offend all the chirpy high school girls who pine over Sebastien Michaelis (not the real one--he was a dick), and wear kitty ears. But they need to know. They need to know it's not acceptable past the age of sixteen. Real Furry Sidekick is a friend of friends, so I have to be all tactful when in their company. This is how it comes out. I've clearly got aggression issues.