My Pseudo-Live Blog of War and Peace: Episode 2

Am I going to get to see Mathieu Kassovitz this time? And by that I mean something other than his back on a horse. And some lines of dialogue, if it’s not too much to ask.

How old is Paul Dano? Because on that wedding scene he looks no older than fifteen. And I’m guessing that Pierre is supposed to be in his late twenties or so? This whole age thing is going to drive me notes for the entirety of the show. Oh, and he is going to be so unhappy on this marriage, like we don’t all already know that.

Is that really an Austrian accent? Because I don’t buy it for a second. That is not what Christoph Waltz sounds like. Should I be concerned that I don’t really care about anything they’re saying about the war? I find it slightly tedious. All I get is that they’ve sort of won a battle –maybe, I’m not sure.

Seriously, Pierre’s room- That’s my dream bedroom. But that wife, ugh! She’s the fricking worst. Gold digger. Brother humper. Can’t you leave your “duties” in the city for a second and go to the countryside with your husband?

That yellow dress Natasha is wearing. I want it. Also, I just realised that the blond boy (is it Nikolai?) is her brother. This is why everyone needs to wear a name tag. And said Nik has been promoted, even though he totally looked like a coward on the previous episode. Oh, and he’s been with a whore even though he is betrothed to Sonya. God, men are the worst.

I officially don’t like Nikolai. Why is he insulting Andrei and pretending that he did a lot in the battle from episode one, when he basically ran away? Ugh. I know Andrei is not my favourite person, but he is certainly far braver than Nikolai. Also, I apologise if I am misspelling any of the characters’ names, which is quite possible.

Vassily married his cousin? Because there is no other explanation as to why his children are a pair of soulless monsters. If Anatole marries Marya (Maria? Masha?), I will feel very bad for her. Imagine a life being married to that.

This is so awkward, everyone trying to set them up, like when you are fourteen and your friends suddenly leave you alone with the guy you like. And I SO knew that Anatole was going to make a move on the French girl. This episode is killing my faith on men. Thankfully, Jim Broadbent is frank to his daughter and never hides his opinion. Not that he needed to. It only took Anatole five minutes of episode to go after the French girl and get discovered by Marya. Idiot.

Of course, now that he might die, Andrei decides to apologise to his wife for being a shitty husband. Clearing your conscience before dying, sure.

So, I still get lost when it comes to war stuff, but basically the Tsar wants to send all his soldiers to their deaths? Oh forget everything, it’s Amelie’s boyfriend! I knew he would be Napoleon. My, he has changed. But he will always be Nino to me.

Is everyone going to die? I mean, of course. Everyone looks grim and there’s a fog. I’d be surprised if anyone survives at all.

Oh Andrei, just when I start to like you, you go and get stabbed in the stomach. I know I keep asking this with every character, but how old is the Tsar? He looks like a teenager.

Please, tell me the weird siblings will both be dead by the end of the story. I can’t stand them. What sort of woman tells her husband to have children with mistresses instead of her?

I can’t stand Nikolai either. Leave Sonya and let her be with someone who actually deserves her –and who doesn’t whore around, I must say.

That Dolokhov looks like he wants to have sex with Pierre’s stupid wife. Just take her away from Pierre, he deserves better.

Jim Broadbent is so good. That scene where he deals with Andrei’s death is so powerful. No words.

That woman doesn’t deserve to be married to Pierre. I knew she was going to cheat on him with that Dolokhov. I should stop writing my guesses, because they always end up happening five minutes later.

Of course when the doctor arrived Pierre was going to be there. Good thing that I know even like him. Geez, giving birth looks awful. She’s going to die, isn’t she? Of course she has, I’m not surprised. Now that Andrei finally started to love her. Sort of.

Who does Dolokhov think he is? Sleeping with the wife of the man who is sheltering him and then rubbing it on his face. And whenever I hear about duel challenges I think of that episode of The Simpsons. Obviously, this means that Dolokhov is going to die, so, yay!