Millions of unarmed Americans are all but helpless to defend themselves against the influenza epidemic currently sweeping the country, a new report by the National Rifle Association claims.

Roddy Rogers, the study's principal investigator, indicted state and federal gun restrictions for contributing to the aggressive nature of this year's flu strain, which has infected an estimated 15 million Americans and killed over 5,000.

"Viruses are much less likely to enter the homes of gun owners – this is common sense that stands up to rigorous empirical study," Rogers remarked, "Still, poor firearms education, onerous regulations and lengthy waiting periods are leaving many of our most vulnerable citizens without the means to protect themselves against a deadly viral attack."

Rogers pointed to the nation's oldest and youngest members as being most in need of protection.

"We must arm our seniors and children not only with knowledge, but with quality, high-caliber handguns and rifles," Rogers said.

Rogers elaborated further on his team's research.

"In combination with the consumption of germ-killing alcohol, a well-armed American is virtually immune to influenza – as has been demonstrated by the fact that gun owners who rarely leave their house and drink large volumes of Kentucky-bourbon almost never get the flu," Rogers said.