Mariah Carey announced she’s opening her Vegas residency with a show featuring her number one hits. The news was disappointing to that guy who bought a torn piece of her gown off eBay who loves her extended work. Carey’s getting paid something close the Gross National Product of Honduras to sub in for Celine Dion who is taking a year off to travel the world in search of a newer nose. In the midst of her divorce, Carey made sure Nick Cannon got none taste of her new Vegas cash. She worked out some kind of deal with Cannon where he gets a few million and visitation rights to the twins at the Public Storage locker in Riverside. But he isn’t touching mama’s Caesar’s Palace money. The future might be tough for Nick Cannon whose most sellable skill was pretending Mariah wasn’t getting fat.

Mariah Carey is reportedly signing a long residency in Las Vegas. She’ll be entertaining people who bought her album for their kids who are now in grad programs at Vassar and wealthy Saudi dignitaries who used to stone people to her hits. This signifies the end of an era for Carey. You never hear about celebrities once they take that so short but final journey from Los Angeles to Vegas. That feeling you get the third day on freon becomes now permanent. Looking out from the sealed-in window of your suite you long to get back to where you came from. And you’ve got two shows tonight. Better mail it in. Nobody gives a shit anyway they’re just clapping at your tits and your hits. Exchange you for the chick doing your impression in Legends in Concert and they wouldn’t know the difference. Especially because she’s singing your high notes from behind the curtain. What’s 365 times 2 times 2 and where the fuck are the Xanax?

Mariah Carey’s former personal assistant is suing her. Ysler Oliver said she was not paid for working overtime. Personal assistant is a weird job. You’re basically standing in for the unsuccessful sibling who maybe turned down the care-taking gig. It’s babysitting for a high strung adult. Every now and then you get slammed with work or sexually harassed but for the most part you’re just chilling at a sick house watching an entire Walking Dead Marathon and billing the boss. Technically it was on the clock.

Isn’t this really about not getting an invite to the Holiday Party? I work countless hours eating the Lean Cuisines from the extra fridge in the garage and this is the thanks I get? Who would have known Mariah Carey would turn out to be a bitch when you took the job. When she asked you to wax the small hairs on her ass her esthetician missed, you shouldn’t have starting warming the paraffin, but you did, and sealed your fate. I’m sorry you signed a confidentiality agreement that prevents you from cashing in with a tell-all book. Invoking labor laws is pretty desperate. I hope that settlement money covers you for a good long while because you will never hold Kleenex packets for an important person again in your life.

Each December Mariah shows off her tits and nails her All I Want For Christmas standard and sends people off to buy cheap gifts for people they absolutely hate because that’s Christmas. This year, Mariah missed her pre-taping because she was in court trying to keep Nick Cannon from getting her money in a divorce hearing. NBC decided to let her run completely live. Mariah weaved her limo between riotous Eric Garner protests throughout the city, showed up out of breath and off key, and caused many children to ask their parents if Santa Claus was real and why he let this happen:

If I were there I would’ve applauded politely as well. And punched anybody who asked for an encore.

Mariah Carey decided that instead of simply attending the Fresh Air Fund Salute to American Heroes Gala last night in New York City with her tits hanging out like she normally would, she’d make an adventure of journey to the event, and share it with everyone on Vine and Instagram. Her idea of humor seems to be sexually-transmitted from her husband, Nick Cannon, who is about as funny as a dozen babies in a wood-chipper, because she thought it would be a trip to put on her tit-revealing gown and take the subway and a cab to her big event. But along the way, to prove what a pair of huge tits of the people she is, she stopped to let normal people compliment her on her gown, because she’s really just like the rest of us, except much wealthier and locked into a fake marriage that nobody believes is real.