Saturday, May 24, 2008

Spacey

I'm feeling very spacey and a little nauseous. I'm trying to distract myself but am not being very successful so far.

I've sold exactly 100 books on amazon. It feels good. There's something about a round number that is satisfying. I find I have a tiny obsession about round numbers. For example, if I'm entering books into the amazon store I don't feel comfortable stopping unless I stop on a round number. I have 327 books in the store and find myself saying I'll stop entering books once I have 400. That would be fine and I might believe myself except I said that at 100 books, 200, etc... Back in the days of running I wouldn't be able to stop unless it was a round number.

I have some new favorite things to do now. I love finding new music in itunes, I love getting a new box of books to go through. It's great to look through books I might otherwise not have even glanced at. I love taking pictures of flowers. I love color and there is something about the colors of flowers that is fun to capture on film. I love glancing up and seeing a hummingbird.

Hummingbirds have a special meaning for me. My mom loved hummingbirds. Two Christmases before my mom died I decided to make stained glass for everyone. I decided to make stained glass image of a hummingbird. It was getting close to Christmas and I was running out of time. When I was in the middle of making my mom's stained glass a piece near the hummingbird's breast broke off. I didn't have the right shape of the same color of glass to fit the broken piece but I did have a beautiful red piece of glass that would fit so I put the piece of red glass in place of the broken piece. The stained glass hummingbird ended up having a red breast. It ended up looking fine and my mom loved it.

Two years later when she was sick I remember wanting to ask her if it would be alright if she sent me a message after she died letting me know she was okay and that there was a world beyond this one. I never gave voice to my wish but thought about it a lot. Whenever I thought about it I would think about a hummingbird or some sort of bird. Things happened so fast and she died 44 days after being diagnosed so I never even got a chance to express this to her.

A few days after she died I was sitting on their front porch talking to a friend. I remember it being so hot. I was sitting in a chair and glanced up. About 18 inches in front of me was a beautiful hummingbird with a red breast. It hovered for what seemed like a long time though I'm sure it was only seconds. I froze and then started crying. I had never seen a red breasted hummingbird before. This has happened several times over the years.

In certain shamanic cultures the hummingbird symbolizes the connection between this world and the divine. It is also a symbol of accomplishing something that seems impossible. It is also a symbol of resurrection.

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About Me

I first became ill in July of 2007. Or at least that's when I started having symptoms that I couldn’t explain away with being too busy, too stressed, not eating enough, not getting enough rest, etc.
In August I passed out while eating in a restaurant. In September I remember climbing some stairs while visiting a museum in SF and feeling a sense of profound fatigue. As I climbed the stairs I thought to myself "it's as if my cells aren't getting enough oxygen"and for a minute worried I might have some sort of leukemia. During lunch I literally had to put my head down to sleep.
By the end of December of 2007 I was housebound due to dizziness, fatigue, cognitive impairment and a myriad of other symptoms.
I'd completed my dissertation in 2006 and awarded my PhD in Jan 07. I'd always been active, athletic, driven.
Imagine my surprise when this all happened. It's been a life changer.
This illness is not for the faint of heart. 20% of people with cfids commit suicide. It's a fact. The illness is that devastating. I used to believe that cancer was the worst thing one could have. I no longer believe that.
Luckily I plan on getting as well as I can with the right help