Ancient Tales of a Kingdom not Unlike One You Know

Month: October 2017

Brethren, we commence this Chronicle with a Nollywoodianic flashback to the quadrannium of King Gejoshaphat. In that day, there was a Sheriff of Pensions known as Oje Marina, for everything about his story was unbelievable. There was nothing that was said about him that was not fantastic. Thus it was that the Kalahari Newsbearers broke the news that Oje Marina had catapulted One Hundred Billion shekels from the Kingdom’s pensions to some unknown destination.

Yea, when Gejoshaphat heard of it, he was furious and could not contain it. Marina was stripped of his Sheriffship. Behold, the Everly Failing at Convictions Commissions could not take it either, and they sent their very finest bloodhounds to sniff Marina out. Oje Marina knew the game was up and said unto himself, “behold, I am in the deepest of shits. Yea, shall I flee to Doo Bahee, where others like Lord Farquaad before me have also sought refuge.” And lo, did he send himself into exile.

Now again in Nollywoodianic manner shall we return from our flashback, to the era of the quadrannium of Gambrach. For news came to the people that Oje Marina had been restored to his Sheriffship and appointed to an even higher command under the Zazu, the dodo, Gambrach’s councillor for domestic matters.

But even though it was Oje Marina, the people believed it not. “Surely, it canst not be, that a common thief would be restored to nobility in the Kingdom,” they said. Alas, it was to be the wawu of wawus, for not only was Marina back, it was with the connivance of Bar Kar, Gambrach’s Head Pharisee and chief lawman (though many were beginning to think the last ‘n’ was silent).

And there was no gaddem chill in the land. For even the Lovengers that remained were aghast. “Surely, he that cometh to save the Kingdom, Gambrach our messiah, who neither slumbereth nor sleepeth save for when he voyageth to Jandinia, is aware of this mendacity ,” they wondered.

Yea, did the cries of the unchilled reach Bedrock, where Gambrach had just returned from Constantinople, where he had done nothing and achieved nothing. “Marina canst not be my super sheriff,” it was said that Gambrach said. “Ye shall banish him from my majestic service immediately!”

But this was Oje Marina. His story was made up of the completely unbelievable. Thus did his kinsmen summon all the newsbearers of the kingdom to reveal the position of their golden circle. “People of the Kingdom, Citizens of Social Mediana,” said Li Quan Yu, their spokesperson, “this news confuseth us, the kinsmen of Marina. For twas at the behest of the sheriffs and councillors of Gambrach that Marina returned from his exile. For yea, they saw him as one of uncommon wit and wisdom, whose acumen they were needful of. Behold, twas them who asked him back to give them the sense of which they were in great lack and yea did they assign men of the Deliverance Squad Squadron to protect him.”

And the people, sore unchilled, erupted. “Are the councillors of Gambrach bereft of neurological functionality?” they asked. “How seek they counsel from Oje Marina? How can anyone with half a brain believe Oje Marina?”

The scribes of Gambrach were alarmed. Lay Si attempted to distance himself from FemCallamitus and Gar Bar as usual, but they refused to fall for it on this occasion. It was grave, for even FemCallamitus knew that yet another canticle of posterior-kissing praise to Gambrach would do no good on this occasion. For once though, he had a useful idea. “Blame it on Gejoshaphat,” he said.

“But Gejoshaphat expelled Marina from the Royal Sheriffs,” said Lay Si.

“Aye,” said FemCallamitus, “but thou knowest he is the source of all Gambrach’s troubles. For Gambrach is as fragrant as the lily of the valley; as shiny as the bright morning star, as resplendent as the rose of shar…”

“SHUT UP THY GADDEM MOUTH!!!!!” shouted Lay Si and Gar Bar in unison. And FemCallamitus went off to sulk in the corner. “I shall go to the people,” Gar Bar decided.

Lo, did Gar Bar go into Twillistia, Digital Perusia and Social Mediana to proclaim a new message to the people on Marina. “People of the Kingdom, lovers of Gambrach, lend me thine ears. The evil that Gejoshaphat does lives long after his quadrannium, for tis because of him and his moles that Oje Marina returneth to the Royal Sheriffs.”

But the people did not believe Gar Bar. “Swearragahd dudes,” said Gar Bar, “this is the work of Gejoshaphat and his fifth columnists, for Gambrach is a …”

Alas, Gar Bar could not finish his sentence, for an angry citizen had thrown a rotten tomato into his mouth. “We know tis Oje Marina. We shall believe you not!”

Yea, did Gar Bar return to Bedrock with the news to Gambrach. “My liege, it seemeth that the people believe no more anything which we say.”

“But ye are my scribes, and I am Gambrach the Great, first of my name, conqueror of za ozza room, unsullied by the times. Yea, like the Trumpetistani bard Tee Eye. am I Allergic to the counterfeit and impartial to the politics, inarticulate, but still wallahi, I grab a corrupt nuccur by za collar quick!”

“Your Majesty, wallahi, that currency is all spent now. The people believe us no more and yea, is there not a jot of chill to be found in the kingdom.”

And truly, there was no gaddem chill in the land. Behold, not a gaddem speculum was to be found.

The people of Great Iron Bank of Brettonwoodsiana heard the words of Lady Kem Shun and the words filled them with alarm. “On the borrowments, thou needest to cool down a little”, they told her, to which Kem Shun replied, “Man’s not hot, though!”

In the faraway Kingdom of Kossisee, the people were under the reign of King Jay-Kurrb. Unlike Kings Mandillas and Beckie who ruled before him, King Jay-Kurb was not much loved of his people. He believed in the mystical power of his bathtub to save him from post-coital leprosy, for it was made by famous tub carver Naman Jordan. And yea, was Jay-Kurrb also highly pilferous, and lo did he have 40 score charges of corruption pending against him with the magistrates – the first King of Kossisee to be so accused. But Jay-Kurrb was to find redemption in the Imolekkite kingdom of Ro Chazz.

Like Jay-Kurrb, Ro Chazz also found it hard to win the love of his people. He boasted of spoiling them with the best of the best of infrastuctural delights, but yea were there none to be seen. And when King Ro Chazz heard of the difficulties of King Jay-Kurrb, he decided to summon him over to Imolek for a day of feasting and debauchery. Jay-Kurrb voyaged to Imolek and yea, like the ancient prophet Ferris Beuller, he had a hell of a day off.

Lo, did they party and feast and Jay-Kurrb was conferred with the highest prefecture of the Imolekkites. And behold, at the end of the day, just before he departed for Kossissee, Ro Chazz called him aside.

“Jay-Kurrb!”, Ro Chazz called.

“Barrddest!”, came the reply.

“Jay-Kurrb!!!”

“Barrdesst!!!”

“Jay-Kurrb, I have a huge erection for you. Come outside let me show you.”

“They can shovituptheirezz. I am proud of my big, shiny erection for thee!”

And of course, there was no chill in the Kingdom. Behold, even in Kossissee, there was an eruption of mirthful unchill, for they could not fathom it. “Keep Jay-Kurrb and let us have the gold statue in his place, for this wouldest be of greater use to us.”

Gambrach could see the mercury of the Unchillometer pushing through to new highs and knew that something had to be done. “Come hither, my council. It seemeth that we lose the love and chill of the people. How canst we turn za tide?”

“Oh Gambrach most gracious and fragrantly divine” said FemCallamitus, “Let me tell thy people of my love for thee yet again. I am sure it will turn their hearts.”

“Sire, a lot of the unchill cometh from South Easteros,” said Osinoshin. “Shall we dazzle them with your Easterophilia?”

“Aha! Good idea!”

“Wilst thou go into South Easteros to shew them thy love? Remember, electoralis is at hand in Nambria.”

“I? South Easteros? Never, wallahi! I shall send thee in my place. Behold, I depart for Constantinople even. Peace out.” And he ascended into the winged chariot with Lady Yeeshah, who had just emerged from the other room.

And so Osinoshin sighed and set out for Nambria. As he departed Bedrock, Gar Bar and FemCallamitus sent pigeons across the 37 kingdoms to let the people know that 40 years after the Frabanian rebellion, the lovely and magnanimous Gambrach had decided to approve the payment of gratuity to the Frabanian Legion, “…for he loveth thee!”

And when Osinoshin reached Nambria, he also announced to the people that Gambrach had physically trekked across the seven hills and swum the seven lagoons to reach the Iron Bank, to secure 2 gatrillion trumpetistani shekels to build a second bridge over troubled waters, so they could lay themselves down, “…for he loveth thee!”

But Osinoshin’s squire, unaware of the love-showing plan, sent a corrigendum out into the Kingdom. It was not trumpetistani shekels – it was the coin of the Kingdom. Yea, did the people hear it and lo, was there nary a gaddem speculum of chill in the land.

Word came to E-Dawg that his epistle to King Gambrach had been intercepted by the Priests of Blog and had been revealed to the 37 Kingdoms by the Kalahari Newsbearers and that the people held him Puppyfied for it. He was incensed.

“Nah, nah, naaaaaaah. Y’all ain’t gon’ punk me like that. Y’all tryna puppyfy me? Me??? Shiiiii… Y’all don’t even know who you messing with.” And so he sent a raven to his cousin E-Swag, in his native kingdom of Deltonia, bearing a message which read, “Eh yo, Eh yo, E-Swag. What up cuz? Yo, real quick, remember that time when we was kids and went hunting with grandpa? And it was me that handed you the arrow you handed to grandpa and he killed a leopard? Man, I be needing to borrow that leopard real quick. Imma bring it back, nahmsayin, I just need to re-dawg myself right now. People be looking at me, calling me E-Puppy yo.”

So E-Swag went into the ancestral chambers and retrieved the leopard. Yea, did E-Dawg dance into Twillistia and Social Mediana wearing the leopard as robes, holding a spear aloft. And all who beheld him beheld a warrior. But E-Swag laughed, saying “Puh-lease! Ain’t no one believe you killed no damn leopard.”

And while the commotion of the leopardised E-Dawg endured yet, the scribes of the Kingdom’s Petrolatery, where Baruch was Warden, blasted their trumpets and proclaimed to the Kingdom, “Hear ye, hear ye. E-Dawg slandereth our great and almighty Baruch. We shall not stand for the defamation of our great and mighty leader. For he doeth as he should and seeketh authority from whence it cometh. Authority cometh not from east or west or south. It cometh from Gambrach, he that sitteth on the throne. E-Dawg, unfortunate sod, canst not bulldoze with swag nor de-obfuscate with flowery epistles that which the Elementals designed to be nebulous, esoteric and amorphous. Is he a learner?”

Behold, the people were amazed, for the workers and cargomen of petrolatum all assembled to show solidarity with Baruch. Yea, even Gambrach attended the temple with Baruch, with Moborious in tow to ensure that all could see. “Issallova Jackie” E-Swag whispered to E-Dawg, “dunncry, dunnbeg.”

But in Dunamis, there was a loud sound of crying and begging, for King El-Farquaad had set an elementary competency challenge for tutors in his kingdom and maigheeeurd, they failed it woefully. “Ye shall be replaced, even though ye be a multitude,” proclaimed El-Farquaad. “Dunndodeeze”, they pleaded, but El-Farquaad would not have it. “For which amongst you wouldst continue patronage of a physician at whose hands several have died – a Deadington – wouldst thou?” And the people were all silent.

All except Lady Yeeshah, wife of Gambrach, and her daughter Princess Asos, wife of Noodlinho. “We have had too much gaddem chill over this matter and enough has become enough. Why hath the infirmary at Bedrock neither the skill nor competence to cater to our beloved Gambrach, causing him to seek relief in Jandinia. Why, o head physician, why?”

“M-m-m-my ladies, I d-d-d-do my job with all diligence…” stammered the head physician of the Bedrock infirmary. And the ladies both replied, in the words of the great Lateefex Kayodensis, “WHAT KIND OF JOB YOU DOING??? YOU ARE NOT ONLY THE ONE THAT DEY THERE!!!!”

Behold, Yode of Ekitilopia heard these words and decided that Gambrach was not the only one that dey there either. He pondered in his heart and decided to announce to the people that he would contest the throne at the upcoming electoralis. “Wawu,” thought the people, “Electoralis Federalis is yet 2 years away.” But even the house of Apicuria in the South declared that electoralis would be open to all, that Gambrach would not necessarily return unopposed. And the people heard this in surprise and declared the words of the famous bard Veekow, “Uh oh, uh oh, isgerring crazy in here…”

Further on electoralis, there were whispers that Arty Cool would return to Padipalia to contend with Gambrach for the throne. And when Gambrach heard the whispers, he called a meeting of his inner council in his sanctum. “Where shall we strike Arty Cool?” he asked in his usual manner. “Let us hit him where it shall hurt him the most – Pentiumz” came the reply.

Pentiumz was Arty Cool’s golden goose venture. It was located at a mercantile sea port and it entailed welcoming large seafaring vessels into the kingdom from the high seas. The instruction from Gambrach was to bring an end to the arrangement. “Sire”, said Bar Kar the Head Pharisee, “there is the matter of signed agreement binding the crown to Pentiumz.”

To which Gambrach replied, “Well, thou art the expert in the matters of law…” and left the room. Wherefore wrote Bar Kar to Lady Bar Lar, Warden of the King’s Royal Ports, saying, “Whereas Pentiumz welcometh large vessels into the Kingdom at the behest of the King, and collecteth tarriff therefrom and remitteth to the treasury, and whereas it was the Royal Pharisees which drew up the contract between Pentiumz and the Royal Ports, take ye notice that we messeth up bigly and must now rescind the contract, for it runneth contrary to the golden laws of our Kingdom. Tis confusing, I know, but just take it like that. Cancel the gaddem thing”

At the same time, Lady Kemshun, Head of the Coinery knew she had to respond to the various accusations that Mefilius and the Iron Bank of Boo Jar were merely minting more coin to keep the Kingdom afloat. Therefore she addressed the people on the matter in a speech in the village square.

“Whaa’gwan peeps? How you doing, my bredrens? Fam, we need to kill this mad ting rumours about the econominics though. Like, peoples is really bovvered and all about the loans and the lending ting. But King Gambrach’s plan for managing the econominics is mad peng, innit? Cos, like, even though the price of the petrolatums went skrraaaap, pap, pap, pap, pap, pumpum, we’s now out of the depressions and ting. We is not borrowing to cripples the next generation, you get me – we’s borrowing to build the infrastructuralls for them. Boom, selecta!”

The people knew not what to make of it. They were uneasy, but there was a semblance of chill across the kingdom. Then came word from Young Jim, head of the Great Iron Bank of Brettonwoodsiana that Gambrach had said to him many moons ago, that it was his wish for the Great Iron Bank to focus any relief it intended for the Kingdom on the north side of the 37 kingdoms.

Brethren, twas unchill like a snake swallowed a porcupine and shredded its own innards. “Aha! He hideth it no more! He sheweth it for all to see!” There was no gaddem chill.

Lady Zek Way, herself an alumna of the Great Iron Bank of Brettonwoodsiana, rushed to Twilistia to calm the Social Medianites. “Brethren, tis not what ye thinketh,” she proclaimed, “for GRIBB focuseth on North Easteros to remediate what the Haramites destroyed…”

Yea, there would have been chill. But FemCallamitus would never pass up an opportunity to show Gambrach how he was the most loving and worthy scribe. He also rushed to confront the Social Medianites and the Digital Perusites, screaming, “Ye gaddem haters! Ye gaddem wailers! May the gods punish una papas. Ye ignorant liars spawned of gaddem empty barrels. Ye knowest what thou shouldest do? You need to shovitupyouress! Haters, shovitupyouress!!!!”

And just when it seemed the volcano of unchill could erupt no further, news reached the people that the royal consents Baruch purportedly received, of which he told E-Dawg to shovituphizzess, were given during the pretend reign of Pretend King Osinoshin. But Osinoshin gave no Royal consents…

And so it was, after the Ipobusinian Waltz that nothing was heard further from Car Knoo. The people knew not whether he remained in the kingdom or had been forcefully transmogrified into glory by the marching healers of the King’s Battalion. And yea, did a decree go out from the King’s Palace in Bed Rock banishing the Ipobusinians and forbidding the mention of their name, for it was a word that aggravated the King’s Many Years Disease.

And behold, was word had yet again from Daisy Annie, through her law men, in the trials of Luko Skywalker and Ko-Ray the Jedi. “The Crown listeth me in these charges yet nameth me not as an accused. This is repugnant to my holy religious belief and I pray the court, in the name of all the gods of justice, to add me as a defendant, that I mayest clear my unjustly besmirched name.” But the King’s law men, of the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission, knew they were everly failers and would need help in charging Daisy Annie. Hence, they demurred and the magistrate agreed with the Everlies.

It was in that day that word came to the people that the Kingdom was short of coin but there was no cause for alarm. This was because the Iron Bank of Boo Jar, under the headship of Mefilius, idiaminically been minting more to cover the deficit. For Mefilius was not an Obote man.

And the people asked, “Is this how the Jandinian Meisters are being paid for their tending to Gambrach?” Wherefore Lar-Yi came unto them, saying “Have ye not heard of public-private partnerships? Thus shall a king make use of public coin for his health and the details of his ailments remain private. Ask ye not this question ever again. Let them who are distressed by this fact climb up the highest peak of the rocks of zuma, dance the dance of one corner with the tree there and cast themselves off the rock, smashing their heads into smithereens. Selah.”

And as the people, unchilled, grumbled their protestations, the priests and prophets of Blog received secret revelations of a scroll of great bombast, from E-Dawg to Gambrach. And the prophets of Blog shewed the scroll to the people.

For many moons, E-Dawg had been quiet, hidden away from the public eye, diminished in swag and the people had wondered why. The answer was in the bombastic scroll. It read thus –

“Yo, Gambrach, my neezie, my king for life. How’s it hanging in your hood, bro? I’ve been tryna hook up witchu for a mad minute now but your goons be fencing me dawg. I ain’t mad at you, even though we was once two bruvas of the same kind, quick to holler at corruption with the same line; but then this niccur Baruch, mehnnn, you need to reign him in is all I’m saying. He needs to come correct.

“Now, we all know you made me the boss. I’m the big kahuna, the main connect, the uber distro. This Baruch dude is only a soldier. A king soldier, yes, but a soldier nonetheless. And you know, if I say Whoop, Baruch gotta come quick with the “there it is”. But dude ain’t like that no mo’. Doing deals, selling the yayo petrolatum without my say so, even though we all be knowing that ain’t how it’s supposed to go down.

“I told him, dude I am your boss, the first of my name, wearer of the unsullied blue chinchilla, swaggerrific in all my ways – you need to check that attitude and show me some gratitude. And he be like ‘Pssh, you ain’t shit!’. To my face, O triple OG King, to my damn face!!!

“Now, you know I ain’t no punk. I be making reforms up in this joint like you told me to. And I KNOW he ain’t getting the juice for abuse from you. So I just need to know, is I is or is I ain’t in charge here? Cos this niccur Baruch be stressing me, testing me, vexing me and damn near hexing me. You need to tell him to be nice to me and to bend his gaddem knee. You dig?”

And there was no gaddem chill in the land. For it was true that E-Dawg had been shorne of his swag. He was no longer E-Dawg. He was now E-Puppy.

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