Thursday, September 17, 2009

Grad School Nonfiction

The mountain was steep, but Spiderman was up to the task. Scrambling nimbly over rock and thorn, the web-slinger slowly approached the peak. But what's this? Herpes! Bummer, thought Spiderman. That shit doesn't go away. No sense in delaying the inevitable being the primary thought in his mind, Spidey plowed on through. Oh man, that itches and burns. But got to get to the top of this mountain! I've got to save the princess! Upon reaching the peak, he saved the princess. Spidey's not one to kiss and tell but rumor is she's got the Herp too! Oh, that Spiderman. Is there anything he won't fuck? Later that day, Spiderman went to Kroger. He needed some coldbeers for the weekend's festivities. A crawfish boil is just the thing to put my mind at ease, he thought. So he bought some crawfish too. Also spices. On his way home Spiderman noticed his hair doing something weird in the back kinda flippin out probably the rain he thought. Back on the mountain Spiderman has to save another princess! Oh man these stupid twats always getting captured by the mountain. Dutifully Spidey saved her stupid ass and gave her Herpes too. Later on at the crawfish boil Spiderman ate crawfish by himself. I'm so lonely, he yelled into the indifferent night sky. Spiderman is a bit of a messy eater and several crawfish shells were left laying around in his apartment floor. Little did the S-Man realize that the roaches would learn to use them as exoskeletons! Now, he's got a real situation on his hands! At this point Spiderman realized that he hadn't been playing music on his computer while he wrote some things and he turned it on. What a forgetful freddy I am, he laughed to himself. Other thoughts inside his head: I wonder how long this will be on a blog if I were to write it there. NOT ANOTHER PRINCESS! Yes, another princess, Spidey! Back up the mountain. What a day! Ready for it all to be over, Spiderman drove to the lake, tied cinder blocks to his feet, climbed over the railing on the pier, and shot himself in the head as he fell into the water. Not even he could fuck that up! At the bottom of the lake a big ol' catfish began to eat Spiderman's flesh. Circle of life, thought the catfish. What the catfish didn't realize was that by eating Spiderman's flesh, he took on his powers (and his Herpes)! Attention Catfish Spiderman: Only you can defeat the roaches with crawfish exoskeletons who live on the top of Herpes Mountain. Catfish Spiderman always answers the call. The battle raged day and night. For three weeks, the sky was gray with fright and the ground ran red with blood. But you know how this has to end. Catfish Spiderman standing exhausted and near death atop a pile of ruined crawfish carapaces, his broadsword wet with their shimmering blood. He raises it into the air and howls a cry of victory so loud that it's just really fucking loud. And then lightning strikes the sword! Catfish Spidey explodes and the hungry wolves devour his flesh. Fortunately, being an osmotic process, the powers of Catfish Spiderman don't transfer to the mean wolves. But the Herpes did! Jokes on you, you fuckin wolves!