How Does One CHEAT in Polyamory?

I am resurfacing here with our online community and my poly blog after a very trying week and a half that I did not see coming. Honestly, I don’t have the heart, the energy or the fortitude to get into it just now with you, my readers. Also, I didn’t start this blog so that my life could be my own reality show for everyone to see, point fingers at, and for me to throw around my dirty laundry. If I’m trying to solve a problem, and I am comfortable talking about it, sure – but not this, and not now. I am still in the thick of it I’m afraid, and not at the point where I want to get into the nitty gritty. At some point, when I am ready, I will share with you all this particular slice of my life, and of course, what I learned from the situation and the aftermath.

For now, I will tackle two questions in this post, and in my next post, I will answer one of my readers and good friend’s question about talking more about my partner’s partners (my metamours) – their existence, how they affect me, how many are currently in the picture, etc.

So let’s begin. In what is now my top rated post of all time here at Loving Without Boundaries, I mused about the question, “Why Do We Cheat.” I talked about my own reasons for cheating in the past (because I consider myself a “Cheater In Recovery” and then I polled you, my wonderful readers. I gathered all of your answers and then put them into what I thought were coherent categories. And then I discussed them in my presentation that I gave in Berkeley, California at my first poly conference.

Here is my current list of why people tend to cheat, in general:

The Thrill Of It – NRE – It’s exciting! There’s something called New Relationship Energy when we are with someone new. It can be intoxicating, like a “drug fix”.

Emotional Needs Not Being Met – Maybe your partner is emotionally distant or isn’t supportive of you and your goals the way you’d like them to be. Maybe you feel loneliness, or are dealing with grief, and your partner just doesn’t know how to support you properly.

Physical Needs Not Being Met – Maybe your partner or spouse works for months at at time away from home. Maybe they don’t like kinky sex and whips and chains but you do!

Irresistable Opportunity – Many people claim that they just couldn’t help themselves! If we use the metaphor of eating, it’s like eating all the way to the bottom of the Pringles can of chips – EVEN THOUGH you know it’s awful for you, and you’re going to feel sick after. Who hasn’t done that? It’s not thrilling – and you may not even be hungry, but they are there for the taking and you are going to do it anyway. (thank you, Alphred)

Revenge – The classic! We’ve all heard of the Revenge Fuck. You hurt me, so I’m going to hurt you back. It ain’t pretty, but it happens everyday.

Laziness – There’s also simply a bit of laziness or lack of the desire to communicate honestly. We view it as just too much damn work to talk through difficult or charged topics – we assume having a tough conversation is going to be awful, but we still feel unfulfilled or unsatisfied. So it’s just EASIER to cheat to get our needs met, than to try to fix whatever disconnect is going on.

Only Choice – Lastly, if asked, some feel “cheating” is their ONLY choice. Perhaps a “disconnect” between a couple occurs, we’re dissatisfied, maybe we even TRIED to fix it, but we can’t resolve the issue. However we don’t want to divorce or breakup either. So we cheat! In other words, maybe needs go unattended and we get tired of sacrificing ourselves for the sake of being monogamous but, again, divorce isn’t an option. There’s a saying: “If you can’t take care of your man/woman, someone else can and will.” That’s a cold hard truth – but a lot of people don’t believe it or believe that such a thing should ever happen… but it does happen in reality. (thank you, kdaddy23)

Yesterday, I was speaking with a life coach that has sometimes helped me at different points of my life and career in recent months. In the poly community, we all know that explaining to professionals such as therapists, life coaches and the like what polyamory is just so that we can work with them without them judging us for something that they don’t readily and easily understand, can be taxing. I noticed that he had used the term as we were talking “quote-un-quote ‘cheating’ in an open relationship.” After I got off of the call, it dawned on me that even though I think of a life coach and someone that I’ve explained my lifestyle to in the past “enlightened,” there is probably still confusion about how you can “cheat” in an open relationship.

Let’s put this to bed (pardon the pun) and / or get this conversation going right now. Please feel free to chime in with your comments to add anything or offer your thoughts on anything I say here.

Here are examples of how one can CHEAT (no quotes around the word, if you notice!) in a polyamorous or ethical non-monogamous relationship.

Break An Agreement – Honestly, it doesn’t even matter WHAT the agreement is. If partners come up with a set of agreements that all parties agree to, and then one partner goes and breaks / goes against one of those agreements, that is cheating.

Lie – Ethical non-monogamy is based on truth, honesty and consensual multiple relationships. Therefore, lying has no business in an ethical non-monogamous relationship. Thus lying is cheating.

Withholding Pertinent Information – This crosses streams with lying, but I think it is important to mention as there is a grey area here. On the positive and ethical side of the fence, keeping privacy and one of your partner’s trust is cool and awesome. But on the negative side, withholding PERTINENT information (for example, an entire relationship, thus it is NON-consensual if that is your agreement), or that you had sex with someone – if transparency and knowledge of other or new sexual partners is part of your agreement – is all cheating on your partner.

Hiding An Affair – I say “affair” here to point out that the relationship is hidden and not ethical. Thus there is no transparency and honesty = cheating.

Playing Games – What I mean here is there is no room for “game playing” in an ethical, honest, non-monogamous relationship. It indeed does take extra effort to do this. Extra communication. Extra integrity. Extra hardcore honesty. Perhaps extra bravery depending on your background. There is no room in an ethical non-monogamous relationship for “little white lies” or “half-truths” or “I tell you this, but I tell her that.” Does that make sense? Or does anyone have a better way to say this?

One of the reasons that I am personally not a fan of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” type of relationships is: To me,“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” circles the drain of being un-ethical or at the very least, there are too many grey areas that can overlap the above items that I listed for “cheating in an open relationship.” That ain’t for this sweet sister! All open, ethical, transparent and honest for —–> Kitty!

To help with this discussion, here are what I like to call the Pillars Of Polyamory that I discussed in my recent presentation:

Love

Honesty

Trust & Respect

Communication

Negotiating Boundaries

What are your thoughts on any of this, particularly your thoughts on cheating in polyamory and / or your experiences with that? I very much would like to hear. In the meantime, rock on peeps, and be good to one another!

At the moment in our non-monogamous situation we are at a point where the thought of going behind her back to do my thing is not even on the radar. Even if the person threw themselves at my feet I’d tell my sweetheart first and foremost so she’d know what was going on. I’ve been through so much crap as a cheater I don’t want it anymore. Thank God I have a partner who is equally open and is not put off so long as she’s in the loop of who I might be interested into.

My point is Kitty is I think cheating is a thrill ride for people. The idea of going behind the back of someone else is thrilling because it is “forbidden”. We would rather be in the hunt of the forbidden than go for the fight to stay honest with those we care about. In fact, I’ve heard cases where the person being approached by the one interested in them for a tryst became offended by the idea of opening up the plan to other(s).

Poly/non-monogamous relationships should be the one area where if some needs “more” then it is possible by fulfilling a type of ethos which honors the people. THIS is what we should be hungering after because it fulfills not just our human needs but fulfills a deep sense of doing things right to everyone.

Sacred Ed, thanks so much for sharing your insights here about both your current relationship and your past cheating life. I thought this was great: “Even if the person threw themselves at my feet, I’d tell my sweetheart first and foremost so she’d know what was going on. I’ve been through so much crap as a cheater, I don’t want it anymore.”

And also THIS was very insightful:
“We would rather be in the hunt of the forbidden than go for the fight to stay honest with those we care about.” That’s also very interesting about the cases you have heard where the potential cheater became offended by the suggestion of the other person to be honest with the others. I definitely believe that that happens, but it is so sad to me. That THAT is how some people want to relate in the world – to be so dishonest with those that they claim to care about. It’s funny to me how so much of life and relating can go back to what we were taught as kids of “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Right? Would you want your loved one going behind your back and cheating on you? No! So why subject that to your loved one(s)? The lack of integrity that various people in the world can live with astounds me. I know because I am a former cheater. And I finally got to the place where I didn’t want to look myself in the mirror anymore if that was how I was going to behave in the world. So I’m not judging those people, because I was one of them. I’m simply surprised how many people can live with themselves like that, I suppose.

Deciding to be honest about everything is simply a choice that we can decide to make… or not.

And the below was simply brilliant. You are a great writer, Sacred Ed. 🙂 Please contribute here anytime that you like. Actually, would you like to be interviewed here at my blog??? It would be my honor to have you contribute. You have great and insightful words to share that we all can learn from.

“Poly/non-monogamous relationships should be the one area where if some needs “more,” then it is possible by fulfilling a type of ethos which honors the people. THIS is what we should be hungering after because it fulfills not just our human needs but fulfills a deep sense of doing things right to everyone.”

And yes, this was all very helpful. You rock!

March 12, 2015 at 4:43 pm

Anonymous

By number 5, are you trying to explain playing favorites? But then over complimenting another partner to make them feel equal but at that point in time a partner might enjoy the company of the other more currently?

Not exactly, but maybe partially yes (playing favorites). I think what I was trying to describe if I can give it another shot here is how one can use rationalizations and justifications for not telling each person 100% of the truth (or at least the truth that is in your agreements to share. Privacy etiquette is important too). I don’t think there is anything wrong or unethical with complimenting a loved one alot. And I think it’s human to enjoy the company of several different individuals – and one day, Person A may bring you more joy than Person B. And on another day, it flip flops. Does that make sense?

Thanks! Yes, overall, it has been an amazing weekend filled with accomplishments and good friends. I hope that you had a lovely weekend too. And it ain’t over yet! 🙂

March 13, 2015 at 3:35 pm

R

There is another possibility. Cheater probably planned (for some reason changed mind) or planning to leave Poly group A. Then the cheater found someone or Poly group B and pursued that relationship(s) secretly with the hope that the new relationship(s) will be his/her only relationship while leaving Poly group A.

I think that could be a definite possibility. Absolutely! I don’t THINK that is the situation here. But I will ask. Thanks for the suggestion and insight. It is always appreciated. I hope that you are having a wonderful weekend. 🙂 Sending love and happy thoughts your way.

I have experiences with couples that live in “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” mode, they enjoy NRE. Some of these couples just don’t care who each other are seeing and meeting. And they are not even interested in meeting the Other Person.

Other times the poly relationship starts out as honesty, trust & respect, boundaries, and open communication, but then evolve into DADT situation without me knowing about it.

I find the reasons are to avoid creating a jealousy situation by using cheat examples 1-4. As I see it if a couple is willing to live that kind of lifestyle, who am I to judge, but it is not my kind of an open relationship.

Hi George! So nice to see you contributing here. I have a question out of curiosity: Are you a counselor or therapist? I was just wondering. 🙂 If you told me in person when we met at the conference, I cannot remember. What you said here gives me some insight about how some DADT couples simply don’t care to know and don’t want to meet the OSO. One of my beau’s partners is like that, and it took me awhile to wrap my head around it. But I respect it in the end. That is their prerogative if that truly works for them. I agree from my side of the fence that it is not my kind of open relationship for me personally. That feeds into if two people are compatible or not. If someone was interested in having a relationship with me, but subscribed to DADT, it simple would not work for me. Therefore we would be incompatible.

Hi Kitty, regarding your question. I am not the counselor or therapist, but I have been asked that question before. I have been in many different kinds of relationships, plus being married three times as help given me quite a bit of insight (at great expense).

But yes, I have met couples at are no longer having sex for years, but do the DADT. I have asked them why they are still together and the answers seem to be same, financials. From my experience, the situation is same for straight and gay couples. Which is sad that they feel that money is necessary for their happiest?

That’s all very interesting, George. Thanks for sharing. I didn’t know until now that you were married three times. Yes, I am sure that did give you a world of experience about relationships. Very eye opening that money is the number one reason the couples that you mentioned stay together. That is in some sense sad, but I am not all that surprised in the same breath. From friends that I know, divorce is expensive. But so is the emotional drain and toll that living with someone who is not right for you may take on someone. For my own mental health, I don’t believe I could do it. But I get the logistics behind it unfortunately.

Even in polyamory, people are people. A lot of us poly fans firmly believe that being poly removes this from our lives because of the openness that’s required but there are a lot of people who still keep their own council and invoke DADT, withhold information, or otherwise being “dishonest” and thanks to the guidelines of being open and honest with everyone involved because just as in being monogamous, something can always come up where that “need to know” thing comes up and the others in the poly group don’t need to know.

All it takes is for someone to decide they have their own idea of what your Pillars of Polyamory means to them other that what should be literally obvious and, pow – cheating or, if you prefer, non-ethical behavior within a polyamorous relationship can occur. Hell, as in a lot of relationships, all it takes is for someone to want all the benefits of the poly relationship and none of the responsibilities for some stepping out of bounds to occur, like being honest about meeting someone new and letting the rest of the group know what’s going on with that – and this is the right thing to do – and deciding that the others don’t need to know and because THEY don’t think it’s important.

Interpretation of the rules is always a bitch and some people never seem to get away from the old, monogamous behavior of it being better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission and more so if the poly group is a closed one more than a wide-open, everyone’s invited sort of thing. To that end, a closed poly group is pretty much just like being monogamous… but with more people and all it takes is for one person to decide that, in a given situation, the rules don’t apply to them and, well, there you go and, at least in my opinion and when it comes to closed groups in particular, the same things that cause cheating in monogamous relationships are still applicable in a closed poly group and, mainly, when someone’s needs aren’t being met to their satisfaction.

And, I think that when the rules are put into place, we still never account for Mr. Murphy joining the party and, pardon me, making shit happen when it’s least expected. It’s not an unreasonable expectation that everyone plays by the established and agreed-upon rules but if we don’t leave room for shit to happen – and regardless of the reason – cheating will be able to invade and steal everyone’s joy.

All it takes is for someone who’s supposedly bound by the rules of their poly arrangement to decide that “Y’all ain’t the boss of me and I’ll do what I want and when I want and who I want – and I don’t have to answer to any of y’all…” for cheating to take place in a relationship environment that, at least on paper, should eliminate cheating or other non-ethical behavior. But people are still people, aren’t they and when we feel that too many “restrictions” are being placed upon us, we’ll “rebel” against being restrained and go for what we know and, sadly, in many unethical ways.

All it takes is for, say, me to meet someone I’d really like to be with but, um, that person might not be all that acceptable to the rest of my poly group and they’d advise me not to engage that person… and then for me to decide that the needs of the one outweighs the needs of the many and, uh, what y’all don’t know ain’t gonna hurt you. In this scenario, you can probably see how the whole poly structure winds up breaking down or, if you will, how the Pillars of Polyamory are made to crumble and because of what I’d say is a “simple” premise: How are the rest of you gonna tell me what I can do and who I can do it with? If I don’t wanna tell you, I don’t have to!

And if this sounds familiar, it should and this is something I think that we – as people – never let go of and our need to still be an individual and even in a “group setting” will tend to trump the requirements of being a member of that group.

Hello kdaddy23. Great insights and contribution, as always! You rock. Well said that people are people. Indeed we are. I loved how you said “there are a lot of people who still keep their own council and invoke DADT” etc. Even when there are agreements about being open and honest, sometimes someone will think they know best, and make their own side rules for their own behavior. But that is still cheating if they are breaking agreements, of course.

Also a great statement about how someone might want all of the benefits of a poly relationship and none of the responsibilities. I do believe that some people hide behind the “mask” of polyamory, but may not be acting 100% within the specified guidelines of polyamory. This is not cool, and gives the rest of us who are acting ethically a bad name, and polyamory a bad rap. What a shame, when many of us are trying to get polyamory more accepted in society. We certainly won’t be able to do it with that kind of unethical behavior unfortunately.

Haha on the simply stated:
“Interpretation of the rules is always a bitch.”
Couldn’t have said it better myself.

And yes, I think it’s very true that old monogamous behavior and the negative ways of dealing with it – such as cheating – are hard habits to break. But then don’t run around saying you are “polyamorous” if you are really just a cheating scoundrel in the end, and a liar to boot who doesn’t want to make the effort to change.

I agree that “shit will happen” and let’s be real about it. But when shit goes wrong and steals everyone’s joy, the ensuing drama sure can suck, to put it bluntly. I do believe that some people create and love drama in their lives, or possibly have no idea how to stop it from manifesting itself. But we can always choose to remove those people from our lives, if we wish, at any time (sometimes with great effort, but it can still be done).

I think based on your input, part of this is the decision tree that someone goes through when they decide to become a member of, in this case, a poly group. Do you REALLY want to be a member of the group and follow the determined agreements? Or do you REALLY want to act as an individual and follow your own rules by yourself? CHOOSE one actively and act accordingly. That’s all I’m saying. But don’t say you are polyamorous, with these partners in this group, and then cheat. You are only cheating yourself in that case, and causing pain.

You always have a way with words, kdaddy23, and breaking things down to help ease understanding. I really super appreciate that about you, and you taking your precious time to comment here. You are awesome! Hugs, hugs!

What’s the best way to deal with this situation? First, be damned certain that (a) you want to do this and (b) that you can be dedicated to the poly relationship. Then, the rules of the road must be constructed in such a way that they actually allow for the possibility of cheating, like calling for enhanced communication within the poly group or adding the “open relationship” component and it’s levels of communication and, yes, the OR component can be put in place for “closed” poly groups. It doesn’t mean that everyone in the group is now gonna go buck wild or anything like that but it leaves room for members of the group to meet other people and if something jumps off, well, it’s sanctioned. In our closed group, we had the open component and most of the time, it was never exercised because the one thing you learn about being open is just because you can do it doesn’t mean you have to do it.

Even this might not guarantee that someone will develop their own agenda and decide that the rules don’t apply to them; you’re still dealing with human nature here and Murphy’s Law remains applicable: If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Being poly requires a commitment and a level of dedication that can be taxing to most people so it can become difficult to stay the course and more so when poly groups construct rules that prove to be inflexible over a period of time; you combine these things and the path of least resistance is to cheat. At least in my opinion, this is why the poly group should sit down and conduct periodic reviews of their rules and build in enough slack that works towards minimizing the chances of cheating to occur… because even I don’t believe you can totally eliminate cheating in this relationship setting.

It’s not that cheating happens: It’s what you do to (a) minimize it and (b) how you handle it should it happen. If you make your rules too rigid and confining, you’re just setting the group up for cheating to degrade or destroy everything.

Thanks again for your feedback here. Some of your comments made me think of one of the first blog posts that I ever wrote where I described “Open Approval” versus “Open Awareness” as a type of agreement that partners can work under in a polyamorous relationship. Have you ever read it? Here’s the link:

This is very well-stated:
“Being poly requires a commitment and a level of dedication that can be taxing to most people so it can become difficult to stay the course and more so when poly groups construct rules that prove to be inflexible over a period of time; you combine these things and the path of least resistance is to cheat.”

For the first time since you and I have been talking, I do disagree with you on one point: I believe that each of us as individuals can exercise self-control and not cheat on the agreements that one agrees to in a partnership. To me, the only reasons that one can’t truly control themselves is if they suffer from some type of addiction problem or has some other mental health issues. But a normal, healthy adult – in my opinion – can choose to act with integrity and ethically and not break their agreements. You do bring up an interesting point overall. Maybe this will be the topic of my next post, as we seem to be a on a roll here discussing “cheating.” Thanks for your input!

I’m not sure if I read it but I will read it, thank you. I think you and I could spend hours talking about this but, yeah, I’ve seen poly rules give someone “no other choice” than to behave unethically and it’s not because they lack self-control: All they needed was a reason that made sense to them and one they could justify taking.

It’s not about a lack of self-control, a lack of integrity, or any other deficiencies: It always comes down to Rule #1 – Take care of your own ass first and anything that interferes with this directive can and will cause cheating. It’s not cool and cheating in a poly setting doesn’t make sense to me either… but it does happen even if the reasons don’t make sense to anyone else. You just cannot regulate human nature and, importantly, you can never underestimate it.

I guess my point is I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who at least to me, exhibits that kind of destructive, hurtful behavior. Sure, cheating is going to happen. But I don’t have to be a part of it. Why agree to agreements that you don’t plan to honor? Then just say you are a free agent and will do whatever the f*ck you want. In my book, you can’t have a healthy, honest relationship with none of the responsibilities. Period. Go exercise human nature somewhere else. 🙂

I obviously have very strong opinions about this. Afterall, ethical behavior is partly the whole point about this blog.

Oh, I agree with you but my point is that even when we’re poly, we expect things to go a certain way and, I dunno, maybe we even think that such things should never happen because in a poly relationship, there shouldn’t be a reason for it to happen, none of which changes the fact that it can and does.

Haha! I hear you and I agree that I like to live in the world of reality (versus fantasyland… unless you are role playing in the bedroom ;). ) Thanks for keeping it real, kdaddy23. I see a podcast in our future of you and I talking on this point. You game?

Always game to talk about this. We should always strive to be ethical in our unethical behavior but we can never lose sight of the fact that cheating is still possible and should always be fought against.

If I, as a monogamous spouse, agree to opening my marriage so my husband can get whatever he feels I’m not giving him, shouldn’t I get to set my boundaries and have them respected? I haven’t asked for any limits on who he sees or what he does with them, all I’ve asked for is DADT. I don’t want to know who, how, what or where. I’ll know when, but that’s hard to get around. I also want privacy in my marriage, I don’t want him sharing our private info and struggles with his bed bunnies. And yet, in poly circles, I’m the villain for wanting this one level of protection.

I’m sorry that you feel like you are being villainized for wanting Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) in your poly circles. That’s unfortunate. If you and your husband have set up agreements that you both adhere to and the arrangement is making you both happy, I say good on you. Your husband’s adventures are not violating your relationship if you have requested DADT so that you feel personally comfortable. Thus, it is not cheating. Are you indeed happy with the arrangement? Honesty in this case is simply being true to your agreements to each other. Does it feel honest and good to you?