And now I suddenly want to translate: "utterly pathetic wankers" into Japanese (not that I think Asahi, Yomiuri, or NHK would necessarily qualify for the moniker- I just feel the need to express the current state of the American media to my Japanese friends).

OK, I got it: the Onion moved to New York from the Midwest, and their former editors and writers just took over the AP:

A picture of poise [a frickin' PICTURE OF POISE!!], Obama didn't get rattled when Chief Justice John Roberts flubbed the oath of office[*d'oh!*], an exercise repeated a day later to ensure constitutionality [because, you know, Obama didn't really become President until the day after the Inauguration]. He [fucking] breezed through his speech — which repudiated Bush's [fucking] tenure though never personally attacked him — without a [fucking] misstep. Even with the [fucking] weight of the country's troubles now on his [fucking] shoulders, he was relaxed as he twirled his wife, Michelle, at celebratory balls.