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Contributed by Burnt Sox (Mt. Vernon H3) to the internet

I had a vision, a vision of the Hash name in its full glory and honor.

Blessed is the Hash Name. It allows the Hasher to flaunt law, ordinance and custom of society in relative anonymity. It also makes rejection much easier: “Get your tongue off me, Bridle Shower,” is softer on the ego than, “Not on your life, Steve.” All Hash names are honorable, as are most Hashers. There are no rules to Hash names, but as within the Hash, there is a sense of honor.

The most honored of all Hash name is the Gifted. The Gifted name arises from a Hash event involving the Gifted Hasher, and the name itself is funny, yea, one might even say witty. Witness Oar-A-Face, who on her first Hash was hit in the face with an oar by someone trying to make a good impression on her. Note the near intelligence: Oar-A-Face sounds like “orifice.” Witness John Handcock, named in honor of his failure to sign in at the Hash in a futile effort to avoid being named. Witness Amkneesia, who broke her knee during a Hash party but was so drunk she doesn’t remember how. This, it is said, is the type of Hash name to which we all aspire. Unfortunately,it doesn’t happen that often.

Next most honored is the Headliner. The Headliner name reports a Hash incident involving the subject Hasher, but the name lacks cleverness or originality. Witness Slick Slit, who during a Hash party demonstrated that she really does shave. Indeed, witness Burnt Sox,named when he burned his socks in an oven while trying to dry them after a Hash. Yes, the Headliner is noble because it does invoke the Hash, but its stimulus-response derivation separates it from the Gifted.

Next most honored is the Hale-Bopp name, which arises from a special, one-time Hash event that is never to be repeated. These opportunities, when they arise, must be seized upon. Witness Dahmer, named on the day the Hash retired its bulky, coffin-sized beer cooler. And witness Troll, named on a day the trail ended under a bridge. These names are especially honored because someone must be sober and awake enough to notice the special event.

Next most honored is the Speaking in Tongues name. The Speaking in Tongues name arises from an unfortunate statement made on the Hash by the Hasher, a statement unfortunate enough to merit naming. Witness Wide Open, whose Hash was considering naming him. He explained himself and his background, then ended by saying, “If you have any ideas for a Hash name, I’m wide open.” Ten seconds later, he was Wide Open. Similarly, witness Crack Shot, in a discussion of the standard two-person chug, commented that she’d prefer the Rumson one-man method because she trusts her butt more than anyone else’s. Yea, witness Lick It Off, Baby, who, in an unfortunate moment, yelled this phrase when beer was dripping from her vessel. The Speaking in Tongues name is honorable, particularly if it is clever, but in the search for such a name, many a hasher will spend months saying stupid things hoping to convert one to a name.

Observe: it is the rare Hash name that falls into only one category.Witness Crack Shot, who after learning of the Rumson one-man butt chug, commented that she’d prefer that method because she trusts her butt more than anyone else’s. Now, the name arose from what she said on the Hash, but the Hash engaged its collective mind here and went one step further to something witty. This is honorable. Next most honored is the Got a Life name, which arises from a non-Hash related hobby or past time of the Hasher. Witness Pitstop, a fan of auto racing who also has the tiniest bladder on the Hash. Witness Lady Bugger, who plays on an adult soccer team called the Ladybugs. Witness Patio Furniture, who is Irish and stays out all night. The Got a Life name, while it does not arise from the Hash, is nonetheless honored because it shows that someone has been paying enough attention to the Hasher to find out more.

Next most honored is the Plastic Surgery name, which refers to a distinguishing (and, if possible, disfiguring) physical characteristic of the Hasher. Witness Owwwww, who has a stud through his penis, Broken Trojan, reputedly the best-endowed man at Interam ’97, and Sweet Cheeks, the plethora of whom all have sweet cheeks. Witness Heart On, who has a tattoo of a heart on her groin, and Hairy Buddha, who looks not unlike a hairy Buddha. The Plastic Surgery name is honored, but may have to be changed if the Hasherstarts really running or has radical corrective surgery.

Next most honored is the Come at Will name, with the word “come” in it. While it should be the desire of every Hasher not to talk about sex more than having it, for most Hashers talk is about as good as it gets. And so, if someone remarks that she Seldom Cumz, or that he Comes when he(In A)Can, or that she Comes on a Whim, go with the moment.

Note that the reliance on the word “come” makes this name less honored than the true Speaking in Tongues, but the Come at Will is honorable all the same. Witness 7 Minute Blow Job, who unfortunately remarked among a group of Hashers talking about their racing (drink!) times that a 7-minute blow job would be more interesting than a 7-minute mile. Yes, she mentioned sex, but the name is more honored without the word “come.” And so, a heavy reliance on “coming” tarnishes the name, though it is not bad thing in actual sex.

Next most honored is the Name Yo’ Mama Gave Ya, which is based on, asthe name suggests, the name your mother gave you. Witness Stained Sheetz, whose mother’s last name is Sheets, or Kimo-I-Wanna-Lai-Ya, a Hasher of Hawaiian descent whose first name is Kimo. This is also the honor borne by Hashes that do not name, such as the Mother Hash and the D.C. Men’s Hash.

Amid the revelations, a caution: the Happily Ever After name, given to one Hasher based on his or her association with another Hasher.Consider that if the association ends, both parties will certainly keep Hashing. And who wants to go to the Hash to be reminded of that asshole who isn’t making child support payments or the bitch who stole most of my Police CD’s? But I digress, because there can still be honor in the Happily Ever After Name. Witness Legal Tender, the daughter of Blank Check, who came to be named on her eighteenth birthday.

Next most honored is the Fruit of Our Labor (FOOL) name, a name derived from the occupation of the Hasher in real life. (That is,when he or she is not Hashing.) This, like any other name, is honored, but if a name must focus on that which we seek to escape, might I suggest that the naming is premature? Having said that,witness Pocket Scientist, who is a researcher for a space development agency and Rut Ro, who is a special education teacher. If the Hash must bestow a FOOL name, at least make it a clever one.

Next most honored is Barbra Streisand. If the Hash fails to determine a name, it should stop trying, drink more beer, and go home. If the effort persists, however, Barbra Streisand is the universally abhorred fall-back name. But it is a name, nonetheless, and it too is to be honored.

Next most honored is the Dirty Ethnic Slur. This name may amuse those already in the Hash, but in my experience no one has returned to the Hash after receiving the Dirty Ethnic Slur. Witness Short Cunt, a woman who solved the Buffalo H3’s trails but couldn’t figure out the mentality. Witness 7-11, a Hasher of Pakistani descent, who never returned after naming. Consider the possibility of Spic ‘n’ Span, a woman of Ecuadorian descent who refrained from Hashing even though she was named Spanish Thighs in the end. Indeed, the mere spectre of the Dirty Ethnic Slur is powerful enough, and this name, though barely honored, should be used sparingly and only with evil purpose. Having so cautioned, a Hasher’s background can certainly be used for a Plastic Surgery name, but it must be done carefully. Witness White Lightning, a white guy who tried but failed to keep pace with Byte Lightning, a black guy.

In time, Hashers may be renamed, but only with good cause. Thefore most reason is that if the Hasher has paraphernalia personalized with his or her name, it’s a pain in the ass to have to change everything. When renaming, the Hash should seek to advance the name toward a more honored state. Thus, it was honorable to rename Hooked on Forensics(a FOOL name for a Hasher who performed forensic research) to French Toasted(a Gifted name earned when he got so drunk on a Hash pub crawl he started speaking French, to the exclusion of his native English). And it would be honorable to rename Cradle Robber to Episiostomy, in light of his experience at Interam’97. He ran into a tree on Trail and opened a huge gash in his head that was stitched shut by the only doctor available–a gynecologist. In this case, the renaming is most honored and to be encouraged. By the same token ,names that are less honorable should not be substituted for the more honorable.