Not being Mr Biffo turned out to be a good thing. It was the psychological equivalent of decluttering. Without having to carry around all that Digitiser baggage, my life became more streamlined... ish.

The next few years would be packed with tumult. New domestic arrangements, new relationships, somehow acquiring three step-daughters, while the last of my own three kids strode into adulthood, leaving me with a bad case of empty nest syndrome. No longer living on the side of an active volcano, however, meant I was better equipped to deal with it all.

I still craved that long sought after job stability, though. For a year or two I toyed with becoming a teacher, but would've needed to get a degree first. Instead, I applied for various proper jobs - including, just for shits and giggles, speechwriter to then-Idiot Mayor of London Boris Johnson. I got turned down thank God. As I did for every other job I applied for, without even being invited for an interview. My weird CV, age, and lack of any actual qualifications, seemingly disqualified me for any conventional role.

That sobering wake-up call was partly why I ended up training to be a psychotherapist; I foolishly thought there might actually be a job at the end of it. What I hadn't realised at that point is that most psychotherapists are out of work, or work voluntarily, or have second jobs, and mostly just have other psychotherapists, or trainee psychotherapists, as their clients.

Also, that most psychotherapists are terrible at their jobs, and shouldn't ever have received a qualification, And that the entire industry seems mostly set up to facilitate the training of other psychotherapists.

To say I became disillusioned by would be a grotesque understatement. With hindsight, I'm astonished I managed to make it through my two-and-a-bit years - just long enough to receive my Fitness to Practice certificate - without throwing a chair at somebody.

WALKIESThere wasn't any one reason I walked away - it was a mounting catalogue of small ethical breaches by the students and tutors, and a growing feeling that the model of therapy we were studying - Person-Centred - isn't especially effective. Not to mention the cult-like mentality that the course inspired in its acolytes.

Also, I became exasperated with the whinging, the whining, the bitching, gossip, victim acts, self-pity, and endless rescuing and enabling from some of my fellow students.

That might seem like a terribly un-empathic thing for an ex-psycotherapy trainee to say - but I like to think my empathy is actually finely-tuned. I'm usually pretty spot on at knowing what people are feeling, and whether it's genuine. I was very good at it.

Yes: I KNOW ALL YOUR SECRETS.

Oh, and I also found out that my own therapist - who had been recommended to me by one of my tutors - was the wife of the screenwriter Paul Mendelson, who'd written the superhero sitcom My Hero.

​Though this made her uniquely qualified to understand when I whinged about my job, my tutor's decision to reveal this fact to me was a massive breach of the ethical contract we'd all signed up to. Therapists and their clients should never have what are known as dual relationships (ie; you can't be the therapist of a friend, relation or colleague).

Paul Mendelson and I had undoubtedly been in the same room as one another. And of course I Googled him to try and recall if we'd ever actually met, and found out all sorts of stuff about his wife that I should never have known as her client.

I took two amazing things from that course though: a commitment to sorting myself out... and my wife-to-be Sanya - who was the only other person on the course who saw through everyone's bullshit, but understood what real empathy and compassion is. We've been inseparable ever since, and I credit her with helping me rediscover myself.​I owe her everything.

SHUTTING THE STABLE DOORBy the time I ended my counselling training, I had come to realise that my career was in the most stable place it had ever been.

Writing for TV still felt scary and insecure at times, but somehow I slowly found a degree of job security in becoming a full-time kids' TV writer. Consequently, stability means less drama, means the next eight or so years of my life are going to be compressed into the next few paragraphs.

Dani's House ran for five series, plus another three of its spin-off, Dani's Castle - filmed at Killyleagh Castle in Northern Ireland. My other co-created show, the musical comedy 4 O'Clock Club (originally the idea of comedian Doc Brown, I helped develop it with my executive producer Connal Orton), has just been commissioned for its seventh series. It has won many awards, and remains something I'm deeply proud of.

CBBC offers less creative freedom than I had on my sitcom pilots - the shows I've worked on tend to be executive producer-led, rather than writer-led - but what I lose in overall creative control, I make up for in feeling safe. The money isn't as good as in adult TV, admittedly, but I find it a genuine privilege to write for a younger audience.

Without realising it was happening, I'd sort of become one of the most successful writers of kids TV in the country. Which, of course, brings me onto the dancing dog...

DOG-A-RHYTHM In all honesty, there's no massive story behind Pudsey The Dog: The Movie. Pudsey and his trainer Ashleigh had won Britain's Got Talent, and happened to share an agent with Dani Harmer.

I'd been recommended by the executive producer of Dani's House and Dani's Castle.

​I was sent the rough outline for the movie they had in mind - a classic British kids' film - and went in to pitch my own tongue-in-cheek take on it: Midnight Express meets Lassie.

That was good enough for them.

I started writing it. I finished writing it. Then it got made. There were very few potholes during the writing process. Perhaps if there had been a little more drama - and a few more notes - it would've been a better movie. I dunno.

As it transpired, the emphasis was on me writing it quickly, because they needed a script in order to secure financing. The most troublesome note I ever got was over the inclusion of the abbreviation "OMFG". For some reason, the development producer was intent on including it in the script, and I resisted. I lost the battle, and put it in the draft... but quietly removed it from a later one, without her noticing.

I'd been aware of Pudsey's victory on Britain's Got Talent, but never watched the show. I had a meeting with Ashleigh and Pudsey, and was impressed at the dog's skills... but without the context of this being - ostensibly - a Simon Cowell project, hadn't anticipated the amount of scrutiny it would be under.

People wanted Cowell's cinematic aspirations to fail, and Pudsey was set up as a failure from the off - the latest in a string of dreadful, low-budget British movies based on existing properties. In reality, Cowell had absolutely nothing to do with it. He didn't even return a request to provide a voice for one of the animal characters.

All I wanted was to write a fun, old-fashioned, movie for kids. I didn't want to reinvent cinema, or write something cool and post-modern (though I did get in a gag/scene about Pudsey rescuing a boy who'd fallen down a well... which was taken at face value by most reviewers). Pudsey was mostly loved by young girls, and that's who the script was aimed at. Not Mark Kermode, or Pete Bradshaw in The Guardian, for pity's sake.

SHAME ON USOnce the director came aboard, there were changes to the script.

Some I agreed with, some I didn't - he was particularly keen to insert as many references to sausages and poo as any movie could conceivably contain, and some of the more surreal elements were removed or toned down - but overall, the entire experience of writing the thing was sort of lovely. Everyone involved was really nice to work with.

I still stand by the script I wrote. Before the film came out, it opened a lot of doors for me - people seemed surprised that it was as good as it was, given the source material. I was even considered as a writer for Paddington 2. All those doors slammed shut once the film was released, of course.

The problems started during production. Pudsey is not a movie dog. He was trained by his owner. He hadn't been trained to perform on screen, which takes a particular set of skills.

​Consequently, he couldn't do half of what was required of him. Nor could any of the other animals - certainly not with the limits imposed on the production by the minuscule budget, and relatively brief shooting schedule. A cat, Faustus (a name taken from We Two Vets, the first script I ever wrote with Tim Moore), was intended as a major character, but appears in just one scene - after it took a strong dislike to John Sessions, who was playing its owner.

Further issues arose when Ashleigh took a similar dislike to the voice David Walliams wanted to use for Pudsey. I'd written the character with Ray Winstone in mind - and Walliams was going to be doing a sort of Winstone impression... until Ashleigh heard it and apparently said: "Pudsey doesn't talk like that."

Walliams instead was forced to deliver all the lines with a sort of breathless, youthful enthusiasm, which simply didn't work.

For me, perhaps the weirdest aspect of the entire Pudsey experience was that they ended up filming a lot of it at the bottom of my road. I was living in Bushey - just outside of Watford - at the time, and we'd drive past the crew and production base on the way to take the kids to school. We had to explain to them that this wasn't how life normally works; you don't usually get to write a film, and then have it made on your literal doorstep.

MESSED-UPThe production issues meant that the footage in the can was a bit of a mess, and Pudsey's story arc had been decimated. He had no real journey; he was just sort of... there, occasionally making inane comments about sausages.

The director called me in to help write some dialogue to patch up the gaping holes in the story. I watched the current edit of the movie, and my heart sank. For reasons I'll never quite understand, the director had allowed the editor to rewrite large portions of the movie himself - improvising dialogue for Pudsey and the animals as he edited (he's still in the movie as Ken the pig).

It was pretty apparent to me that the movie had major issues - some of which were going to be virtually impossible to patch up with new dialogue - but I was prepared to give it my best shot. We tried riffing in the edit room - but mostly all we came up with was more of Ken laying his "eggs", farting, and my least favourite line in the entire movie... which I hate mostly because I came up with it.

I asked if I could take a copy of the movie home, so that I could write some new material. Which I did, and duly emailed over, satisfied that I'd managed to piece things back together, and include some good dialogue for the animals.

​I returned to the edit room a week or so later, having been involved in a three-way collision in my car en route (it was later revealed to be a failed insurance stitch-up). I was sufficiently rattled by the car crash - the one in the car, as well as the one I watched unfold on screen - that I dropped a cup of coffee over my laptop, killing it instantly.

Not a single line of my dialogue had been used. The director had chosen to stick with the editor's many, many, improvised lines. I should've probably kicked up a fuss, but I really liked them both as people, and I'm a terribly weak and ineffectual human being...

Plus as my first movie, I didn't necessarily feel it was my place. Not when the director had already been responsible for classics like Horrid Henry: The Movie.

Yeah, yeah. I know...

THE FAMILY AT THE PUDSEY PREMIERE

HATREDThe hate for Pudsey The Dog: The Movie started long before it had even been released.

The Twittersphere was willing it to fail. In the face of the vitriol online, the only way we'd have been a hit was if Pudsey had been a classic. Obviously it wasn't. It was aimed at little girls, and had been kicked into little pieces during the production and editing improvisations.

Would Pudsey The Dog: The Movie have been a better film if they'd been able to film my original script? Most likely. But by the same token... there's enough of my work, my structure, still remaining in the finished product that I'm absolutely one of the architects of its ultimate fate: a 0% score on Rotten Tomatoes. Despite that, some of it I even really like - Mr Thorne's speech about hating dogs, for instance - and I honestly don't think it deserves even a fraction of the grief it got.

Oddly, none of the bad reviews really got to me. The level of spite directed towards it was so extreme that the only response I had was to laugh. I briefly wondered if it'd damage my career - though that hasn't seemed to have happened, mercifully - but on the whole it sort of washed over me. It was a job for which I was hired, and got paid, and walked away from.

Pete Bradshaw's review in The Guardian said it was "A shame for everyone involved", inexplicably judging it by the same criteria as, I dunno, Citizen Kane... but that just said more to me about what a massive twat he clearly is, than the film itself.

The editor and the guy who wrote the music weren't as fortunate as me. The thicker skin I'd built up in recent years allowed me to shrug off the crticism, but they were both badly affected by it. The director had called Pudsey's agent, Jonathan Shalit, and told them how upset they were, and he fired back with an email saying "Tell them that if they can't handle it then they should get out of the business".

Fair enough. Thanks for the empathy, mate.

I kept a copy of some of my favourite tweets from before the film was released. Here's a small selection:

"Why has mother fucking pudsey the dog got a movie I deserve a movie more than fucking pudsey the rat dog"

"Pudsey The Movie? You are fucking kidding me??!"

"I used to fancy Pudsey's minder a bit but a film about him is beyond the fucking pale."

"Good grief - do we really need a whole movie? Scraping the barrell I think."

"Truly a golden age. A golden Brown age of dog crap."

"On July 18th 'Pudsey the Dog: The movie' is being released?!?! IN CINEMAS?!?! Seriously there is no fucking God.‪#‎Seriously‪#‎NoGod"

My kids love the Pudsey movie.
And I love these 'scripts of my years'.

I'd be interested to know about how much time goes into writing say 1 episode of Dani's house or Sooty etc? to be honest, i prob had an unfairly low views of the effort involved before all this, assuming most kids tv stuff was just 'scribbled down in half an hour' (with the proviso that i haven't watched any 'flagship' CBBC or CITV stuff since i was a kid, or anything written by Mr B)....but it does 'stand out' to me when i see that your name is only down as writer on a few shows per series - is that just a case of crediting the person with the 'main' idea and you're still heavily involved in the others? or do you each pretty much write your own episodes, and then pull them together and check they fit? and are there different writers because it takes 6 months to write 3 episodes, or because all 12 had to be done in a week? Or something else.
Anyway, yes....lots of badly worded questions. But I hope no offence taken, i don't mean to sound condescending about the effort involved, deffo not intended that way... would just like to understand the processes and whatnot better.

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Mr Biffo

30/11/2016 11:46:10 am

It takes as long as it does adult TV, to be honest. I've just started the slow process of writing my episodes of the next series of 4 O'Clock Club, which won't be filmed until next summer.

Kids' TV tends to have a lot more involved story lining process than a lot of adult comedy I've worked on. That's where a huge chunk of the work goes. I'm faster than most writers, but it tends to be that because it doesn't pay so well I take on more work than I would otherwise - so I'm usually juggling multiple things at once.

As lead writer I have a degree of overview on what's happening across an entire series, but I do tend to just focus on may own.

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I'll ask then...

30/11/2016 11:46:22 am

What was your least favourite line in the movie?

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Mr Biffo

30/11/2016 12:07:11 pm

Ugh. It's horrible. They'd made the eldest kid dress in this weird blue outfit (in the script she was meant to bit a bit goth-y), and Pudsey needed a reaction. We were just spitballing, and I suggested in passing "Oh you look like a blueberry", or something. It's just horribly weak and doesn't work in context. I came up with something better, but all my suggestions got ignore. Made me wince every single time I watched it.

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Sated

30/11/2016 12:11:26 pm

Haha thanks, I was expecting something poo related

Spiney O'Sullivan

30/11/2016 02:56:28 pm

Why would a goth wear blue?

Surely the outfit should have been black. Then Pudsey could say she looked like a blackberry.

Genius.

Mr Biffo

30/11/2016 03:03:31 pm

In the script she was a goth. For some reason they put her in blue. Hence the scripted dialogue no longer worked.

Harry Steele

30/11/2016 11:56:45 am

I keep watching the trailers for A Streetcat Named Bob thinking 'it's not a trained cat - how are they going to build a film around a ginger cat's reaction shots?'

I feel your pain over the movie's reception. I've not seen it but I can't imagine it deserves all that. It just looks like (frankly) a fairly ropey, probably quite cheap film aimed for little kids. No need for any of that vitriol.

I feel very sorry for Pudsey's owner though. I wonder if she was prepared for all of that? Must be shit to go through.

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DT Heslop

30/11/2016 12:45:08 pm

Sorry, reading back "fairly ropey" sounds mean. I just meant, y'know, not like you were trying to make The Lion King or anything! I've worked in kids' TV for long enough to know you don't get many opportunities to make a masterpiece...

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Kara Van Park

30/11/2016 12:57:33 pm

Most of the criticism seems to be that the subject of the film wasn't worthy to have something made about, ie. resented before you'd typed a single word.

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Jopijedd

30/11/2016 01:03:01 pm

As much as i like Mark Kermode's radio programme, i think he has an awfully snooby taste in cinema. Here are some of the rules:
Disney CG Animation: AMAZING.
Non-Disney CG Animation: MEH.
Film about somebody dying a lingering death: AMAZING (also guaranteed Film of the Week).
Spin off from a TV show: TERRIBLE or MEH.
Anything made by a female director: AMAZING.
Any DC/Marvel based film: MEH or TOO LONG.
Any film about stoners in the 70s: AMAZING.
Any Horror film: MEH or AMAZING.

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Rufio1980

1/12/2016 05:30:11 pm

I think you've actually summed up American cinema pretty well there!

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RichardM

30/11/2016 01:32:05 pm

Love the Twitter comments, bit like the Amazon reviews of videogames people haven't bought. All that vitriol over something that isn't for them, something that doesn't really matter... People are great.

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Adam

1/12/2016 02:21:59 am

My favourite of all those tweets was the one about Pudsey having won The X Factor. Tremendous!

I must admit I really like cheesy kids dog movies, "Digby: The Biggest Dog in the World" was my all-time favourite movie growing up and I also love the British made 70s Saturday Matinee movies for their pure irony (I kind of collect them), so if you put yourself in that frame of mind when watching it, it's pretty enjoyable.

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Dr Alex P. Gaywood

30/11/2016 05:16:06 pm

Let's be honest, Pudsey is no Fernville Lord Digby (to give him his fulle name).

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Meo

30/11/2016 09:03:01 pm

Love these articles, I Googled digitiser a couple weeks back and was pleasantly surprised to find this site :) Did have a lot more to say but actually, it'd be easier just to email you - so I shall, as soon as I find a spare minute, as long as you don't mind

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wunk

1/12/2016 12:18:34 pm

I was a bit worried with the direction digi was heading recently, with the updates all getting a bit serious, ranty opinion pieces and whatnot.

However, I think I see where you were heading now with this Scripts of my Years series.....A fascinating read that I've thoroughly enjoyed. Takes a lot to 'open up' and expose yourself sometimes so I applaud that Mr B. You sound look a good man.

I hope we can get back to the funny though now, and looking at today's first advent reveal, you're well on the way. Nice one.

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Keith

1/12/2016 02:52:55 pm

Y'know what'd be a great thing for the patreon people? If you recorded a commentary for Pudsey, so we can have a good reason to give it a watch

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Money-Obsessed Mister

1/12/2016 03:42:10 pm

Hello, I'm Money-Obsessed Mister and I'm obsessed by money, mister. How much money does a writer of a movie like Pudsey the Dog: The Movie make, mister?

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Cc

1/12/2016 07:48:28 pm

What, what, they've made a film about Pudsey the dog! Well cut off my head and leave my feet to science. hashtag.icantbelievetheyvemadeafilmaboutpudseythedog. Everyone involved in this should be put in a time machine and sent to the Russian front.

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Spiney O'Sullivan

1/12/2016 10:23:19 pm

Judging by the number of suicides threatened on twitter over that film, Biffo may have inadvertently killed more people than Stalin.

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Euphemia

1/12/2016 10:18:22 pm

These have been great, absolutely loved them.

I'm almost sorry you don't have more shitty experiences to mine for our edification. Glad you're on an upward trajectory, sir.

Had Pudsey been shot in black and white and everyone spoke French then Kermode would have shot his keeeerrrrum all over it

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CaptainWacky

5/12/2016 02:13:32 am

Was the character voiced by Cowell going to be a talking cow named "Cow-oh"?

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John Veness

2/5/2018 11:18:39 am

I don't know if you're still monitoring, or will get notified about, comments on this article, but my kids regularly watch PTDTM several times a year, and love it!

It would be very interesting to read your original script one day, to see what has changed - but I don't know how these things work (e.g. who owns the copyright). Or as Keith says, record a writer's commentary!