I Don’t Look Sexy on Camera and Sometimes I Feel Weird About It [Sexy Time]

Quite a long time ago (ie, 2011), I made a sex tape with my boyfriend. It was, without a doubt, one of the least sexiest pieces of film I’ve ever had the misfortune of laying my eyes on. Everything about it was just…no. The lighting, the camera angle, the ridiculously over-the-top porno noises coming out of my mouth…ugh. I had totally blocked it from my memory until my boyfriend asked me about it in passing. It’s hidden somewhere in the recesses of a computer that no longer functions, but I still remember vividly how blatantly awful it was.

There was a time when the idea of making a sex tape would’ve horrified me, but you know, it’s Kim Kardashian‘s world and I just live in it. Over the last decade or so, sex tapes have gone from seedy, taboo, and scandalizing to fairly mundane and par for the course for anyone with access to a camera capable of taking video. (Sidebar: I distinctly remember the first time I downloaded one – it was Colin Farrell’s, and it pretty much changed my life. It was really exciting to see a dude so enthusiastic about pleasuring his partner and it definitely shaped my expectations for what good sex is like. Thanks, Colin.) Anyway, I was going through one of my more experimental, “spice up our life” phases with the beau, and I spontaneously suggested that we film ourselves and he was cool with it. I don’t think either of us had expectations of this being a moment of undeniable erotic bliss, but we definitely weren’t expecting it to be such a flop. It was a blow to the self-esteem, and that was definitely not a time where I was looking to nom on humble pie.

Though, I really shouldn’t have been surprised that I looked like a pained beluga whale in the clip. I am the worst selfie-taker ever. Whether they’re G-rated or X-rated, I always end up looking like a hot mess. I cannot figure out how to capture myself or my body at the most flattering angle, and I kind of feel like such a failure for not being able to do so. Especially in our current climate where we all feel compelled to document everything all the time, it’s a little alienating to lack this increasingly necessary social skill. I mean, I know that behind every perfectly coiffed Facebook/Instagram still is 1,000 raggedy reject photos, but my best photos look like rejects, and it bothers me so much more than it should. It’s so ridiculous to say, because cameras are two-dimensional and we exist in a three-dimensional world, so the camera never quite captures all the nuances. Not to mention the fact that my boyfriend has never once indicated that he finds me unattractive in the flesh. And it’s not even like we’re in a long-distance relationship, what I look like on camera is beyond irrelevant. Most importantly, sexiness is about so much more than aesthetics. Anyone can be sexy – it’s not just for the Rihannas and the Kate Uptons of the world, you know? Confidence, enthusiasm, humor, intelligence, grace…and the camera doesn’t always capture that.

That said, if the apocalypse ever comes to fruition and the only people who survive are those who can look the most alluring in a Snapchat, I’m totally screwed.