~ Always Wear Your Crown

Tag Archives: MyRandomness

A few months ago i took the Twitter app off my phone. I felt that it was distracting me too much and it wasn’t helpful for my personal emotional and spiritual life. I kept my account because I enjoy Twitter but I just felt having the app right there at my fingertips wasn’t good for me.
Since then I haven’t been able to share things like the daily Bible verse image or scriptures easily on Twitter because my phone doesn’t pull it up as an avenue to share without the app.

I didn’t really think this a big deal but then I realized the Twitter was one avenue of sharing the word of God that I had with people. People I’ve never met and will never meet, people located all over the world, and people who might not have any other interaction with God’s word.

I’m not very good at sharing God’s word with people right around me in real close to me ( I’m working on it. 😊). So I realized I needed to take advantage of what opportunities I do have to share the wonderful news of Jesus Christ.

So between this blog and Twitter I hope to be able to reach people who need Jesus most. Say a prayer that the right people read this blog or see my tweets at just the right time. And also that I don’t get distracted by what the internet has to say it about the Chiefs in my quiet time LOL 😉😉😉

So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he’ll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it’s the only way you’ll get on your feet.
James 4:7 MSGhttps://bible.com/bible/97/jas.4.7.MSG

Did y’all ever read this book? It’s one of my FAVORITE and when #BabyLogan joined a book club and was sent this book, i was ecstatic! We love it and he can basically quote the whole thing.

But this Wednesday was my own #THNGVBDay . Work was beyond awful. I cried like…….3 times. I got in a fight with a resident. I couldn’t do my job because of software and technical glitches . I had zero support (okay not zero but minimal and not enough) from my company.

And then Man got in a car wreck. A bad one. He’s ok and the car will either be fixed or we will get insurance money and figure out a replacement, either way it will be fine. But he did have to go to the ER which is scary and annoying. And he is set to have surgery Monday so we had the stress of whether this would effect that.

So it’s been a long, rough stretch of a few months. 1st the joyousness of #BabyW being born-then the craziness of him and me being stuck in the hospital. Then the joy’s of the Holidays, and the stressfulness that comes with those. Then all the feelings that come with returning to work, and then #BabyW and I got sick. Oh and on top of that trying to plan a wedding and connect with my fiancé in between.

I just realized this morning, that I’m feeling pretty darn useless in life.

Now 1st off i am aware that technically I am useless, I can’t do anything without the strength and power that come from God. But I am feeling like I can’t even do the things he has set me out to do!

I was in the hospital for 4 days over the weekend, and it’s just brought on these feelings of all the things I’m not/can’t seem to be doing right lately.

I feel like I’ve been a terrible mother. I get so tired and overwhelmed, busy with work, or just caught up in trying to do other things around the house that I feel like I’m not there, connecting with #BabyW.

I feel like I’ve been a terrible almost wife. Leaving Man to pick up so much of my slack when it comes to housework, project to make extra $$, and baby. Not to mention just not paying to much attention to his wants and needs.

I feel like I’m not doing ANYTHING right when it comes to being a step-mom right now. B and I are having a ROUGH time to say the least. He is learning things at his mother’s house that I do not appreciate , He’s at the testing age where he just talks back or is definite, and I have little to no patience for his whinnying lately. What’s irritating in this particular situation is that I know its important for me to be a positive figure in his life. I KNOW he is in need of more love and attention now that baby is here but I just seem to fail non-stop at giving it.

I feel like i am nowhere near pulling my weight at work. I’ve been back at work a month and a half and feel like i haven’t accomplished anything. I missed my FIRST EVER WEEKEND shift in over 7 years! I have so much I want to do there but I just can’t seem to do it.

Hell I feel like I can’t even breastfeed right lately! My pump broke today and my supply is all over the place!

It’s just rough. And I know that there are probably a 100 other mothers out there who are shaking their head reading this thinking I FEEL YA! ( Ha like I have a 100 readers!), but it’s just weighing on me right now.

I read a devotional from Jesus calling reminding me to Thank god for my problems. It hit me hard up the head. What a weird concept. But then….wait.

I am thankful I have a son to be a sucky mom to. I am thankful I have a man to be a sucky partner too. I am thankful I have a step-son to practice all my crappy parenting skills on. I am thankful for a job to not be pulling my weight at. I am thankful I’ve had 4 month of breastfeeding.

I am thankful I have all these issues to even be worrying about and that their isn’t anything more serious going on. I know that God is going to bring me thru all these in my life and I will be better for it. I know I will be good and accomplish great things.

But right now, I’ll be lucky to move the clothes from the washer to the dryer.

As I sit here @ 5:30 am on Christmas morning, feeding Baby W. I’m struck by the twinkleing lights on our tree and the shiny presents underneath. I’m laughing at B last night RUNNING up the stairs in his christmas footed PJ’s after seeing Santa had entered the united states on the NORAD santa track saying “Oh man I have to hurry santa is going to be here so soon. Hurry!” He was so excited he didn’t even want to hug & kiss his dad goodnight!

I’m sitting here checking the weather, thinking about what I need to get done this morning, if I’m gonna run, If I want hot or cold coffee and wondering just what wonderful things Man has gotten me-He already gave me a beautiful watch box early ( mostly because he didn’t want to wrap it) so I know once again I’m getting spoiled.

I’ve already got it 1/2 full! :+)

But As I’m sitting here starring at my sweet sleeping boy. I’m reminding myself to take a min to think- I mean REALLY think about the true meaning of this holiday. I’ve gotten annoyed this year more then ever with the commercialism, the materialism, and the blatant disregard by non believers for our 2nd most important holiday (an atheist on one of my baby boards asked how to explain christmas to her kids without talking about Jesus….um don’t).

I want to make sure I take time to Pray today, to thank god for of course my gifts, my home, the food, my family, the blessing of my and Baby W’s health. But again REALLY thank him for Jesus. The message gets lost so much- even with all the “Keep Christ in CHRISTMAS ” signs and messages out there it really gets lost in the shuffle.

I just want to take time to ponder the fact that Jesus- my lord and savior, the man who died so I can live – once looked just like my own sweet sleeping boy. He once was nursed by Mary, had whatever form of diaper they had changed, spit up on occasion, I mean the great I AM was once a helpless baby boy. How crazy is that?

I want to ponder the fact that had Jesus not been sent down in the form of a baby he would never have grown up into the man that he was, he never would of died for MY sins and rose again 3 days later, he never would of been able to save any of us!

I think about Mary and if it was hard on her knowing that while Jesus would love her- this boy of hers was destine for things far greater then being her son.

I think about Joseph and all the crazy feelings he must have had inside him.

But mostly I just want to take a minute to thank god for this miracle he sent us, that allows all of us to get swept away up in things of this season that don’t even matter.

So as you all open your gifts, eat your food, and enjoy the time with your Family and friends- remember the one who makes it all possible.

Merry Christmas To You All, Peace and Love to all mankind, Rejoice because our savior is born!

So in the last several years I’ve really tried to focus less on the media and worldy view of christmas and more on the true meaning.

However I still give gifts to those I love on christmas because I feel it’s a time to show those we love how much we love them, just as God showed us how much he loved us by sending his only son to die for us.

I do however try to make sure i’m not going overboard on the spending, and making myself go into debt because thats not what this holiday is about. Of course now having two kiddos, I’m aware that it is easy to get caught up in the worldy view. I am hoping with in the next year I hope to steal an idea from my favorite christian blogger miss Jen Hatmaker where you stick with a few gifts that fall into the following: Something you want, Something you need, Something to Wear, Something to Read, Something to eat, Something to give. (I think B needs to be a little older for it to really stick with him) I added the something to eat part- food gift cards are great stocking stuffers.

I like this idea because their are still presents to be given. Children can still ask for something they want, Parents can use Christmas as an excuse to make a much needed sweatshirt, or backpack a gift and there is a chance to show your kids the true meaning of the holiday by giving them something they have to give to someone else (For Ex: $50 that they must donate to their favorite charity in the next year).

BUT this post isn’t about making sure we celebrate christmas for the right reasons-I’m here to vent. To all the other ladies reading this who have wonderful Men in their lives who are great at gift giving……

How the heck to you make sure they get a great gift!

Man ALWAYS has something up his sleeve. I mean you should SEE the shiny rose gold fossil watch i’m eating that was my “Push-No Push” present Ryan surprised me with. And Last year my few presents were ALL items i had casually mentioned I needed or wanted that he remembered ( most specifically a book by my favorite author ). Valentines day….Diamond Necklace ( I got him nothing fail on my part) Mothers day….DON’T even get my started on the wonderful stuff he planned and got me. Birthday…..he proposed…… I mean for real!!?!?!? could I get a better gift giver?

Now I get him stuff and he created a wish list on Amazon Prime of stuff he wants, and I will get him stuff from there, but….it sucks not being creative enough to find something to just WOW him. I’ve been thinking for weeks now on a surprise gift or just something he won’t see coming and i can’t think of a damn thing. And I know thats not what gift giving is about…but i just wish for once I could surprise him the way he always surprises me.

Thats all, I just wanted to whine….but don’t even get me started on the amazingly sweet things he rights on the cards!

So I’m a breastfeeding mom. I choose to do it because #1 It’s natural and what god created me to do. #2 It’s a FREE way to to feed my kiddo. #3 It’s supposed to be a healthier option for my son.

I am one of the lucky ladies- I produce milk- I had no problem with my milk coming in- I was producing actual milk…3 days after birth. So I’m lucky in that sense.

I do also feel lucky because pumping is something that can easy to me and I’m used to it since Baby W was in the NICU for so long I couldn’t actually feed him at him first so I had to pump my milk and they put it in a feeding tube. Then when I could feed him he ate so little that I had to pump after EVERY feeding. 3 and 1/2 weeks into Baby W’s life he is gaining more and more weight and eating more and more, but I still am pumping after most feedings (is this normal? I dunno I need to attend a support group I think) so it’s just part of what I do- my freezer is so overflowing with milk Man says it attacks him.

Actually breastfeeding Baby W isn’t super easy. Being a NICU baby he was given a pacifier sooner then I would of preferred or then is recommended. Because of this I have to use something called a nipple shield that I place over my nipple and gives it a pacifier/bottle texture. It’s a pain in the butt. He swats at it, if he thrashes his head to much then if falls off, and it makes feeding difficult because I can’t just latch him to the boob when he needs to feed. But it is what helps him eat. I’ve been trying to ween him off of that, and we have had about 4 good feedings with out it, but thats it.

So yes I am breastfeeding and i’m glad that I can and am. And all my life I’ve heard women talk about how wonderful breastfeeding is and how much of a bonding experience it is for mom and baby.

But I still do it. Because that’s what my breasts were originally created for. Because my milk came in easily. Because once again IT’S FREE TO FEED MY SON and provides him with awesome nutrients.

But it’s not a bonding experience for me and BabyW. I find we bond better when wearing my moby wrap or during bath time, or….really any other time, besides breastfeeding.

I also want to say the mommy war of breastfeeding vs. formula feeding is ridiculous. Why do moms have to be so mean and judge towards one another???? How is that helpful and aren’t we all really doing the same thing- trying to raise our kids the best way we can? When did it become cool to judge and shame a women for the choices she makes- we don’t know her story? Did your mother teach you if you can’t say something nice don’t say something at all (well thats a bit ironic isn’t it). Not cool Moms. Not Cool at all. Let’s love, help, and support each other no matter how we parent.

#1 Over 1/2 the time I love the way I look. I actually really do. Now I know in my last one I complained about it and anyone who has ever been pregnant will get me here, but while yes I feel like a fat beached whale sometimes. Their are moments when I truly LOVE this body I’ve been blessed with. It’s normally right after a shower, when I’m scrubbed clean, and slicked down with Palmers Coco Butter, dressed in just my undergarments and I catch a glimpse in the mirror and I just feel…..beautiful. Belly and all.

#2 I Love finally feel Baby W Kicking and moving. I have an anterior placenta and extra fluid which doesn’t actually mean much except that up until about two weeks ago I wasn’t feeling Baby move at all. Finally at almost 28 weeks I have started to feel movements-it doesn’t feel ANYTHING like what I thought they would feel like, and they are no where near as dramatic as movies and tv-shows make them out to be ( I’ve been able to get Man to feel it ONCE and B never) but the small subtle movements are there and they are always so different I love trying to figure out just what my little guy is doing in there!

#3 I love how excited B is for his baby brother and all the stuff he is willing to do and honestly give up for him. I think it is something that has really brought him and I closer together. Plus I love hearing him say ” you better be careful Lindsey” whenever I do anything or tell his dad ” you be nice to Lindsey she has a baby in her belly” Heart Melting.

#4 I LOVE maternity clothes- as stated in a previous blog I’m kind of a maternity-clothes-aholic. But I mean for REAL they are some of the most comfy clothes I have ever worn! I’m actually kind of sad that I won’t get to wear them to much longer (10 weeks to go!) I’m also Pissed at Destination Maternity. They have NFL gear….The Giants, The Saints, The Broncos, and more have like….7 shirt choices….the chiefs…..1… and it is freaking short sleeve! GGGGRRRR!

#5 I love man talking to Baby W thru my belly. This guy LOVES babies, and he LOVES children with all his heart and it just makes my heart melt when he puts his face on my belly and starts talking to him. I’m so lucky to have him be this babies father.

Alright….that’s it…. 5 is all I can come up with. I mean don’t get me wrong… I LOVE the fact that I am pregnant. I’m so excited to be having a baby-I’ve been waiting my whole life to be a mom. I can’t believe that I have less then 2 months until my due date- I mean where the heck did it go! But as far as things that I actually LOVE about physically being pregnant….. yeah 5 is all you get from me.

#1 I hate these weird things that are going on with my body- like things I can’t even put on here because they are just weird and sometimes gross and Blah! I was a fairly healthy person before-so I’m not used to not understanding what’s going on!

#2 The way my belly is feeling…heavier. This has nothing to do with weight gain just that It feels like I need to hold my belly because it weighs so much it will fall off! So Weird!

#3 I HATE being tired. I’ve never been much for sleep- it’s boring and wastes my time. I’ve never been really one that suffer from fatigue (thank the lord) , but man oh man has that changed being preggers. and I hate it I literally fell asleep at my desk the other day- I’m so tired when I get home from work it takes all I have to make dinner.

And if ONE commenter tells me that I will be tired for the rest of my life I will banish you from my blog this isn’t’ tired due to lack of sleep tired that I’m fully aware will be my life’s story once Baby W gets here. THIS IS HAD THE FLU FOR 36 HOURS STRAIGHT WITH NOTHING TO EAT OR DRINK AND NO SLEEP body can literally not function tired. That. Awful.

#4 I hate all the unknowns. Is Baby ok, is he healthy, is he growing right. What if something goes wrong during birth, what if something goes wrong after birth. What about learning disabilities, what if he gets cancer, what if he grows up to be a serial killer ( not kidding passed my brain one time). It’s just so frustrating and exhausting and I’ve been managing to stay fairly calm but every now and then BAM! Sideswipped by an unknown! All I can say is thankfully I am a women of faith and can pray in these times to ease my fears.

#5 I hate not having a beer on a Friday night.

#6 I hate being treated like an invalid! I’m pregnant people- not dying. I can still do things ok.

#7 I HATE people touching my belly.

#8 I hate baby websites and community chats with other moms or soon to be moms……some of yall are crazy.

#9 I hate the weight of gained. Stereotypical I know, but if you are a dude or have never been pregnant you just can’t get it. I mean I know that it’s normal and I’m having a baby and suppose to gain weight, but it’s so hard to handle sometimes. I’ve tried so hard the last 8 years or so to get healthier and get to a healthy weight and I just have such a hard time coping with this….round thing I’ve become- which of course leads to all kinds of other unknowns as to- will I loose the weight, how will I loose the weight- have I gained to much weight, is their a chance I haven’t gained enough (ha!) It’s just…..annoying.

#10 I HATE the hormones, mood swings, and general craziness that has taken over my body. I mean for real who is this lady that has invaded my head and my heart. Making me bawl like a baby at simple commercials while also making me want to rip of peoples heads for no apparent reason whatsoever. It’s hard because right now I don’t even know what is a real emotion and what is just pregnancy crazy. That makes word and relationships REAL HARD right now. Once Again-good thing I’m a women of faith because I have had to pray more then once in “Lord- take this anger/sadness/self-righteousness/meanness/annoyance away from me and let me see what is really going” and I wouldn’t make it thru the day without doing that.

So there it is. the Top 10 things I hate about being pregnant. Stay tuned for the Top 10 things I LOVE about being pregnant….if I can even name 10 :+0

“For god did not give us the spirit of fear but of power and of love and of self-control” 2 Timothy 1:7

Alright. That’s it. I’ve had enough! I can not. I mean can. NOT. listen to one more person bash the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Movie. I’m over it.

Man and I went to see the Thursday night premier ( don’t’ judge us. superhero movies are our thing, and Thursday premiers are like…our other thing”) and had a GREAT time.

The movie was cute, it was funny, it had action, the turtles rocked, Will Arnett was HILARIOUS, and Megan Fox was pretty sweet too. ” Their Ninjas- they do karate”

Granted I won’t lie. I fell asleep for about 8 min. But leave me a lone I’m 7 months pregnant and it was after 10:00 at night. So sue me.

I personally don’t’ remember much about the original movies or if I even saw all 3 of them (more on that in a minute.) Which puts me about at the par of 50% of the audience the new turtle move is going for; 5-14 year old boys. And trust me when I say they are going to LOVE it.

After the movie Man was complaining that he didn’t like all the funky gear Donatello wears in this new movie. I personally think its awesome.

But he hated it which some how prompted us to look the turtles up online and we started reading all the scathing reviews. And to be honest I felt a little bad. I mean come on people. It’s not supposed to be an OSCAR winning movie! It’s a Tween/Family movie. It’s just supposed to be fun and entertaining! Why do we have to judge so harshly!

I can say that now as ALL THREE originals were on yesterday afternoon/evening and we watched them. Holy Cow. Talk about bad.

And then I saw this article online this morning and it just set me off. I’m sure this women is way smarter then I am, and has way more authority and brains to be actually critique movies, but I mean come on, really? It makes the 90’s versions look like masterpieces? No Way. I will agree with #4 that whole thing was silly and stupid, but I must say if you have watched the originals lately…talk about not being PC

“What am I behind on my Sony payment?”

I happen to enjoy (unlike Man) the way all the turtles looked…..different. You could really see all their different personalities in their body styles and that gives kids something to identify with ( I mean should they really be identifying with 6 foot tall mutant turtles….that’s your call as a parent). I loved the bond/love-hate relationship that Rafael and Leonardo have. I love Mikey’s singing and quirks. I LOVE the way Donnie looks. It was an hour and a 1/2 of good clean super hero fun what more could you ask for!

Oh and that’s the other part- I must give them props for not overly sexting Megan Fox. The buzzfeed article suggests otherwise, but really she was NOTHING like her character in Transformers. She wore T-shirt and jeans the whole time I think. No cleavage shots, not random shower scenes. Sure their are a couple jokes by Mr. Arnett, but I mean that’s to be guessed. Their is one scene where she’s leaning out a window and Will is starting at her butt….that’s about it. I was really glad to see that.

So I’m here to just say leave the turtles alone. If you liked them as a kid- go see them with an open mind. If you have kids- take them to see it and you can nap for an hour. But go in there knowing that you are not getting something that will ever win any move awards….like ever. Enjoy the throwback vibes it brings. Laugh at the elevator jam session scene. And remember the awesomeness that was some of the words and phrases they used. Just go to be entertained.

Oh and just you everyone does know. No matter what all the critics and web people say….65 Million Dollars. So apparently their are a lot of people out there like me. :+)

Because really with all the bad/scary/sad things they are happening in the real world. I’m more then happy to spend a little time in a world where 6 Ft Tall, karate chopping, pizza eating, off key singing turtles exist.

So I stated in a earlier blog post that I don’t like people. However that makes me sound….mean….grumpy….unhappy? And that’s not the case so I felt I should clarify some things.

#1 I LOVE those people that are in my daily life. Man, B, Baby W, mom, dad, sisters, family, friends, heck even co-workers at times.

#2 I am all about helping others and donating my time and skills to those in need. I am currently working on being less selfish then what I currently am

#3 I believe in being kind and considerate to everyone no matter what and truly try to do that everyday of my life.

All that being said. I don’t really like people. Or I don’t’ really like meeting new people? Don’t’ really like crowds? I don’t know.

I work in what might be referred to as a customer service job. and I’m good at it….. like damn good at it. Like got 100% on all aspects of my last two mystery shopper reports good at it. And I LOVE it. I mean I LOVE what I do. But I think that it’s this job partly that causes me to not like people. Because I’m around people…..all day every day. And on top of that

I have to be nice to them. No.Matter.What.

Now 93.7% of the time that’s ok. They are easy to be nice to. And I generally do care about what they are needing from me and want to help them.

But some days. Wow. People are rude. They are mean. They are demanding. They think they are entitled to….what I don’t know. They think that because I’m not the boss of the place I can’t help them (news flash- 7 times out of 10 I have the answer) or that because I’m in the customer service field I’m so how inferior to them? (listen up Mr. bigshot banker/lawyer/doctor/investor dealing with people on a daily basis is about a 100 times harder then memorizing whatever crap you memorized to get your job…..and I didn’t go $90,000 in debt to do it) OR that I’m lazy- that all I do is sit behind a desk all day and look pretty. Mr-I can run faster, jump higher and generally kick more butt in 4 inch heels then you can on you best day. Sit your butt down and let me do my job.

But alas I digress those people aren’t the norm and its the others that make my job worthwhile. The customer who REALLY needs my service due to a horriable relationship they are in and I’m the only one with the tools to help them move on. The customer who bonds with me over the fact that I’m naming my baby after a superhero and that my parents named their dog after a Harry Potter charcter. The customer who used to stay as far away from our office as she could until she realized that I drink beer, the boss drinks beer, and wow….we really are cool chicks. And the customer who is just always happy to talk to me or see me no matter what.

They are why I do what I do and why I love it.

But I still don’t like people and I think its the minority group that just wear me out some days the last thing I want to do is go out and meet more people who perhaps could be any of those horriable things. Or be in a crowd of people where I know 1 person and they know everyone else and I just stand their looking stupid. NOW crowds of people at events like….the zoo, ball games, shopping malls, or festivals don’t bother me because I’m not there for the people most of the time and generally the people I am with don’t know everyone so it’s ok. It’s like the parties/events/get together of 20+ people that I hate and I just don’t want to be forced to make small talk with random strangers….I make small talk all damn day!

So that’s that. It’s not that I am mean. Unhappy. Uncaring. Or cynical even. I just prefer the people I already know and maybe a few others thrown in at a time. And honestly….that changes sometimes too. Because I do feel a great sense of empathy and compassion for people….just in small doses. I do know that it is my duty as a Christian women to share the word of Jesus with others. That’s why I teach Sunday School, VBS, attend Bible Studies, and try to make it so when I’m working people can send Jesus in me on a daily basis.

So if you invite me to some big backyard bbq, birthday party, or some other event and I don’t attend. Please don’t get offended.