(Remind me again why his rancid carcass is still stinking up the airwaves).

But in his defence - man, I cannot believe I just typed that phrase - he wasn't reading a prepared bit, and he does live at the extreme end of the F-Wit continuum so he was just doing what comes naturally.

We had a bit of fun with charity muggers here a few weeks ago - not that it made any difference of course. The hungry bastards are all still out there. But there is a cause worth giving up a few shiny coins for this week, or even a bit of the folding stuff if you happen to have some spare.

We've all been there, enjoying a drink or a meal or quiet toke on the hookah when the dignity and repose of our little moment is ruined by the noxious face-sucking antics of some grunting, dry humping beast with two backs in the stall or under the table next to us.

Perhaps we've even been there ourselves once or twice when the demon drink and irrepressible bodily urges combined to have their evil way with us. As bad as the public display of affection can be, however, there is something even worse. The public display of disaffection.

My fellow Instruments, it is my melancholy duty to inform you officially that, in consequence of the persistence of two, or possibly three insanely noisy possums invading my roofspace, I have declared war upon them.

Hang your your head in shame Hollywood. You are so not the coolest thing anymore.

I mean really, it used to be the case that washed-up movie actors ended their days in the shame and ignominy of television. It was a definite step down the food chain for them but having had that big screen exposure they still managed to bring a certain level of cred to the small screen that your indigenous TV types could never hope to emulate.

But I put it to you, my learned Instruments, that TV has been cooler than movies for at least two decades now.

At 4.58pm exactly yesterday afternoon I removed the weatherproof shroud from my barbecue, threw back the hood, and was pleasantly surprised to see only a few cockroaches scurrying away from the unexpected light. A quick wipe down, and oil up, and a few minutes later we were good to go.

I can't stand bullies. I had a few run-ins with them when I was younger. It usually ended in low level violence, but at least, with the violence, it ended. Unfortunately that's not an option for the poor cinema lovin' luvvies of Melbourne, who right now are being bullied something fierce by agents of the Chinese government.

That small, desperate plea coming from a fourteen-year-old girl should have been enough to stay the hand of any normal person under any normal circumstance.

But it really should have given Kyle Sandilands and Jackie O, and their producers, and the machinery of the radio network which loomed behind them even greater pause for thought as they monstered the poor child they'd hauled into their studio to torment for precious ratings points.

It's a mystery to me why I was never selected to play cricket for Australia. Jeez I was good, you know, when I did play. But the call never came. Personally I blame our shameful test record in the 1980s on this inexplicable oversight.

In this fast-paced go-go world of ours some issues are too important to be left to the ham-fisted, half-arsed witless hysterics of so-called web journalism. But that's too bad. Because that's all John Birmingham has. He's unfair, unreasonable and often unbalanced - but in a good way. Words are weapons, and this weapon is a Blunt Instrument.

In this fast-paced go-go world of ours some issues are too important to be left to the ham-fisted, half-arsed witless hysterics of so-called web journalism. But that's too bad. Because that's all John Birmingham has. He's unfair, unreasonable and often unbalanced but in a good way. Words are weapons, and this weapon is a Blunt Instrument.

What makes this city tick? And what need be said, no SHOUTED, to keep it ticking in a true direction? Well-versed wordsmith Rupert McCall rides the undercurrent of a passionate notion all the way to the answers. Rhyme or reason? He'll let you be the judge...

The Magic Spray is a Monday sports column that affronts your senses like Dencorub to the groin. Like its real-life counterpart that's cured countless corked thighs, it may leave you feeling slightly numb, dulling the pain of another working week.

Mother, wife, housekeeper and family diplomat Heidi Davoren does a lot of laundry. She can peg a line full of undies quicker than George Bush can duck a flying shoe. For those of you who battle the mundane and ridiculous on a daily basis – school fees, preservatives, family budgets, soiled pants and banana stains – gorge on guilt-free parenting advice here.

For those who think gossip is a dish best served scalding, there's no need to wade through the magazines or cyberspace for the grittiest pop culture news. Because Georgia Waters has done that for you. She takes the celebrity world for the madness that it truly is. And it's enough to make a starlet choke on her silver spoon.

It's the blog that tackles the serious issues that impact on the lives of Queenslanders. We'll take on the bureaucracy; question and challenge the decision makers; put pressure on the movers and shakers and stick up for the little guy.

Babes in Business are Brisbane women that stand out in a crowd. Not only are they business owners, entrepreneurs, movers and shakers, they are wives, girlfriends, mothers, sisters and daughters. They'll give working women throughout the city the best tips on striking the balance between work and home life.

Regarded as history’s best female surfer, Layne Beachley is a seven-time world champion. But her drive doesn’t stop at the water’s edge. She's had success with her Beachley Athletic and in 2006, Layne staged the richest event in women’s surfing. Recently retired, Layne has turned her focus to investing in Australia’s future by inspiring young women to realise their full potential with her Aim For The Stars Foundation.

Sam de Brito has spent more than a decade writing for TV, film and newspapers. In his first book, No Tattoos Before You’re Thirty, he offers advice to his unborn children. In his latest offerings, The Lost Boys and Building a Better Bloke, he takes the pulse of Aussie manhood. Now it’s your turn as he expounds on the business of being a bloke.

James Cameron has been designing menswear for the past decade. In this time he has witnessed more than his fair share of trends and fashions, most of which should never have involved men, but men and fashion should not be mutually exclusive. There are a few guidelines every man should know and follow and still hold on to their masculinity.

Have a computer or IT problem or issue? Then just Ask Chris Thomas! Chris Thomas founded Westnet in 1994, and today runs Technical Support for the mid-tier Internet Service Provider. Chris has helped Westnet win countless awards for customer service in the ISP space.

Clive Dorman is one of Australia’s most experienced travel journalists. Every week for 17 years his column Travellers’ Check dealt with travel consumer issues. His weekly column now returns online looking at travel intelligence: where the value is, what to do, using the collective information-gathering of you.

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Josh on Vegan maddies:Straight, male, vegetarian here.
Some very harsh generalisations you have there John.
Who cares that they didn't m...more