09:20h Lie in bed for a few hours with fiancée. Tweet her to make me some #breakfast. She wakes, tweets me that she is still sleepy. I tweet her, “what the fuck d’you think this is love, a doss house?” “no babe,” she tweets, before she gets up and heads down to scramble some eggs.

09:29h “Ill have a sausage too luv,” I tweet her.

10:01h Jump out of bed and run to the shower. Sit on the toilet reading news on phone. Then check out other Tweeters. @Humblerag. Hilarious!@ Jailpoet. Not much.

12:59h Right. Go after chauffeur. Run outside. See a bus. Stop it. Get on. To Lords mate!

13:01h Tells me he’s not a taxi and to get the fuck off. Tell him it’s an emergency. Lost phone. Only 4 hours to save it before it runs out of battery. Someone offers to lend me theirs so I can call my own.

13:03h I ask the bus driver if he has my number. Says no and tells me to get off before he calls police.

13:06h Better get back to Sky TV. Jump off bus. Run down the road. Where was it again? Yeah. Left. Right. Left. Left, left, next right, right. I’m lost. Don’t have Google Maps. End up somewhere called London Bridge. Shit. Go into an offie. Buy myself a fourpack of Fosters.