True Grit, With a Side of Pie

Sept. 12. A 6-foot, twentysomething man with dark sunglasses and bleached hair walked into a Denny's restaurant in Costa Mesa and ordered a cherry pie. When the $6.99 bill arrived, the man explained he could only pay by traveler's check. Assured by the young server that this was acceptable, the man signed the face of a $100 MasterCard note and handed it to her. While she was retrieving his change from the rear of the restaurant, the man slipped out the door. Closer inspection revealed his traveler's check to be an obvious fake, as it was blurred and poorly photocopied. The signature was also suspect. Police (and presumably Native Americans) are on the lookout for a counterfeit-currency purveyor named "John Wayne."

DISINHERIT THE WIND Sept. 17.Police were summoned to a Newport Beach home to investigate an apparent burglary committed while the female resident was out for the evening. Before departing, the 37-year-old woman had placed two jewelry boxes on the windowsill of her second-floor bathroom. Upon returning, she found one box in the bathroom trashcan and the other on the lid of the toilet, its top removed and its semiprecious contents scattered on the floor. Hence the request for police. Closer inspection revealed no jewelry items had been taken. Even closer inspection revealed that the window—located just above the trashcan and toilet—had been left open. Intense meteorological inspection revealed that it was also a very windy night. Further inspection may not be necessary.

NEXT UP: THE PEPSI CHALLENGE Sept. 19. Last week, we reported the theft of four custom wheels from a BMW. The stripped ride was found supported by Coca-Cola crates. Two days later in the 1000 Park Newport apartment complex, a resident lifted the car cover off his 1994 Acura NSX and found all four of the fancy chrome wheels and Pirelli tires ($6,000 total) removed. Apparently, the cola wars are heating up: this time the car was perched on four green crates labeled 7Up.

THE WAR ON DRUGS: THE HIDDEN VICTIMS Sept. 23. From a Newport Beach police report: "Unknown suspects used a handsaw to cut a tree down in the public greenbelt. Suspects left the handsaw at the scene and drug [sic] the tree onto the beach." Attention Barry McCaffery: Why are we sending billions in foreign aid to the Colombian military when our own loyal American trees need the money for rehab?

HONEY, GIT MY BRANDING IRON SO'S I CAN LABEL THE KIDS Sept. 28. A 33-year-old Irvine man contacted Newport Beach police because a toolbox and portable compressor were stolen from the bed of his pickup truck. The gear was nabbed while his truck was parked at a Ralphs supermarket. The man explained he could identify his equipment, once recovered, because he had personalized the items with stickers labeled "White Trash." The victim was inside the store purchasing milk, o.j. and—just a guess on our part—a mess of chaw when an unknown subject stole the equipment.