Archives for August 2015

There’s not much news on the pregnancy front this week, and certainly no BIG news like we are hoping for any day now. We have come to a stalemate and now it’s just a big waiting game for the next couple weeks. That being said, there are a few changes going on with me…

Baby is now the size of: A winter melon (whatever that is… anyone?) weighing in at around 7 pounds and measuring around 19 to 20 inches.

Total weight gain: 38 pounds.

Sleep: I can’t even look at my side of the bed these days without getting major anxiety about sleep. It is very uncomfortable and I wake up having contractions and cramping sensations all through the night. I have avoided some of the things that other people and the doctor have suggested, such as taking Unisom as a sleep aid or sleeping in a comfy recliner, and I even contemplated just staying awake until the baby gets here, but I don’t think that would go over well. Hey, maybe it would help me go into labor?

Exercise: We didn’t do any hiking this week, but with good reason. I knew my doctor had the weekend off and wouldn’t be on call, so I didn’t want to do anything strenuous that would risk me going into labor. I know it sounds silly, but I REALLY want my doctor to be there for the birth of our little boy. I’ve still been walking around 3 miles, 4-5 times a week.

On Sunday, Justin and I went to the pool and I did a 1500yrd swim, which felt really good. However, after Justin made the comment “what if your water breaks in the pool,” I wasn’t so sure about swimming. Seriously, what if that happens? I assume I would know, but would I?

One thing that has put a real damper on outdoor activity is the amount of smoke in the air. It is REALLY thick around here and there are all kinds of air quality warnings. My lungs are already working hard, so I have been trying to avoid exposing them too much to the smoky air.

Mood: I feel like my mood has been pretty apathetic lately. I’m trying to stay positive and just enjoy the downtime, but to be honest I’ve reached a state of boredom. I don’t handle “downtime” very well. There is only so much TV one can watch. The problem is that nothing really sounds fun at this stage in my pregnancy. Going out to dinner? Nah. Movie? Too uncomfortable to sit in the theater. Shopping? No way. I guess my daily walks will have to do.

Best moments this week: We had some great news at our doctor appointment on Wednesday and learned that I am 2cm dilated and 75% effaced. Progress! There is some comfort in knowing that things are beginning to change and a light DOES exist at the end of the tunnel.

We also got our car seat properly installed at the fire department. This was one of the last things on our to-do-before-baby-arrives list, so now everything is all set and ready to go. Yes, I look tired and my back hurts.

Symptoms: Emotional and crampy. Lots of random contractions. Tired. General discomfort 24/7. And a little bit of spotting here and there, which is hopefully a good sign that the wheels are turning down there.

Worst moments this week: This week the emotions, stress, and uncertainty hit me like a pile of bricks. This part of pregnancy is SO STINKIN’ HARD!!! My friend posted this on Facebook the other day, which pretty much sums up the way I have been feeling.

Missing: Sleep, running, wine… oh that first sip of wine…. only weeks away.

Interesting Pregnancy Moments: I am definitely nesting and in baby-prep mode. One of the huge things I am trying to prepare for is my work/life balance once the baby is here. I am not taking any time off work and will start teaching fall classes toward the end of September. Typically I use the time between terms to prepare for my classes, but since we are expecting the baby during that time, I am doing everything I can well in advance to have my classes prepped and ready to go. With all of this downtime that I have, I am highly motivated and working like a madman to get things done. It’s kind of nice being ahead of the game.

Best Quote: “I am officially on a mission to meet Baby Yax!” – Me

Buying: I bought some cozy pants and a couple loose, comfy tops from Victoria’s Secret. I have a feeling that once the baby is here I am going to be living in loungewear for a while.

Editor’s note: Justin started writing this post several weeks ago, but didn’t get a chance to finish it before some pressing work obligations got in the way and derailed its timing. But I think those additional weeks have made him feel even more strongly about the subject, so enjoy reading about our pregnancy from his perspective…

As I write this, Kristen is at home where she just finished watching some YouTube videos of the childbirth process. And not the Facebook-friendly, “here’s a cute video of me having a baby” variety, but the medical school, close-up, every-detail-you-could-ever-imagine variety. Surprisingly, she wasn’t too freaked out by them.

The concept of two people creating a human life is still mind-boggling to me. Pregnancy, and watching a mother and child grow and change and bond before the baby is even born, is amazing. Hearing the heartbeat, seeing him curled up inside the womb during the ultrasounds, and watching/feeling him kick (whoa!), hiccup, and move about in there is truly a miracle. But there is not a word in the English language or any other language for that matter to describe the strength, patience, perseverance, and fortitude of a pregnant woman.

What they sacrifice, and what they endure over 40 weeks of pregnancy, labor, and delivery – physically, mentally, and emotionally – is exactly why I think pregnancy is harder than [INSERT ANYTHING HERE]. Running a marathon? Child’s play. Completing an Ironman? I imagine that once you’ve given birth, the suffering of an IM pales in comparison (says the guy who will never do either in his lifetime).

I have the easy part in all of this. I tag along to the doctors appointments, hold Kristen’s hand during blood draws, clean the cat litter box, look for nursery ideas on Pinterest, give a few (though not as many as I should) foot and back rubs, make sure baby and mama both eat well, and am pretty much a bystander as Kristen is poked, prodded, and generally uncomfortable 24 hours a day. But having the easy part in some ways is also the hardest part for me.

How is it that the easiest part can also be the hardest part? Two reasons mainly: 1) I can’t do much to ease Kristen’s discomfort (and I hate seeing her uncomfortable), and 2) I am jealous of the bond she and the baby have naturally created already (though I know I will have PLENTY of opportunity once he arrives).

Recently, Kristen’s discomfort has shifted from occasional to constant, and even sleeping has become a chore. In addition to frequent trips to the bathroom throughout the night, her side of the bed now looks like something from The Princess and the Pea, with an extra comforter underneath her for padding, 5-6 pillows all around her, and the now infamous Snoogle curled up behind her in what was once my favorite space. Yes, I have been replaced by a Snoogle.

Since she is a typically a back sleeper and now can only sleep on her side, watching her shift sides in the middle of the night looks like some kind of carefully orchestrated but incredibly difficult mattress dance. I relate it to trying to turn around a cruise ship in port, though that’s probably not the most flattering reference I can (or should) come up with.

Restless sleep, acid reflux, shallow breathing, constant kicking/movement, needles and blood draws, physical exams, the list of maladies goes on and on. It’s hard for me to understand why, or how, any woman could actually enjoy being pregnant. Maybe the concept of pregnancy, and the fun stuff like baby showers, nursery decorating, shopping for baby clothes, nesting, etc., but physically it is a nightmare.

When I think of all the discomfort, restless sleep, emotions, and pain that Kristen has had to endure and will continue to endure over the coming weeks, I also try to think about the gift of pregnancy and childbirth. Many women will never have the opportunity to experience this miracle – whether by choice or for other reasons – and for that I think we both feel blessed.

As for the bond that she and our son have already formed, I can’t help but be a little jealous. Kristen is already so in tune with his habits, behaviors, and routine. She gets to spend her days talking to him and feeling him move around inside her, and is solely responsible for his growth and development. I get to feel him kick and hiccup and poke out here and there, but it’s not the same.

My time will come, and I know that eventually he and I will bond in ways that only a father and a son can. But until that time comes, and it will come any day now, I am somewhat of an outsider playing a supporting role in a performance in which Kristen and our son are the stars. As it should be.

Our doctor continues to remind both of us that Kristen’s body is on loan to someone/something else. That her sacrifices are only temporary, and are for a greater good. That pregnancy and childbirth are probably the hardest things that human’s willingly choose to endure. But that doesn’t make it any easier, it doesn’t help Kristen sleep at night, and it doesn’t take away her aches, pains, and discomfort.

What it does do is make me love, appreciate, respect, and admire her more than ever before.

A few weeks ago my husband and I met up with our photographer friend Elena, and journeyed up the Cascade Lakes Highway and out into the Cascade Mountains for a maternity photo shoot. With our shared loved for the mountains and all of the time we have spent outside this summer, Justin and I knew we wanted our maternity photos to capture the surroundings that feel like home. Plus, our son will likely know these areas well as he grows up with these mountains at his back door.

Elena is an outdoor enthusiast (check out her Instagram) and captures some of the most incredible pictures of her travels and adventures outside. After seeing her work at Golden Trail Photography and through various media outlets, I knew that she would be the perfect person to capture these special moments. After receiving the photos (all 300 of them!) from her last week and going through them one by one, I couldn’t be happier with our decision to work with Elena. She is incredible, and these photos and memories will truly be treasured forever.

I thought I would share some of our favorite photos on the blog, as these will forever be a part of our journey to three in 2015!

We are officially in pregnancy “taper” mode, knowing the race to the hospital could happen any day now. I can’t believe that in less than a month we will be holding our little baby boy! People weren’t kidding about the hurry up and wait that occurs during these last weeks. I feel as though I could watch molasses move faster than my pregnancy these days. Just one day at a time.

Baby is now the size of: After a visit with my doctor on Wednesday, he says I am measuring 37 weeks and the baby is now almost 7 pounds! What? Does this mean I am going to have a big baby? Please come a little early, baby boy!!

Total weight gain: 37 pounds. I have officially surpassed the “recommended” weight gain for a healthy pregnancy and still have a couple weeks to go. And yes, I had a meltdown right in front of my doctor about it. He assured me that my weight gain is normal and has a lot to do with a slowing metabolism and the body doing what it needs to prepare for baby. This post from Nicole could not have come at a better time. Things I need to remember…

Sleep: I am now at a place where I dread going to bed. Everything about sleep, if you can even call it that, is uncomfortable. I get up a few times during the night to pee and walk around the house, wishing for the pain and discomfort to go away.

Cravings and favorite foods: Chicken and veggies.

Food aversions: Pepper and anything spicy.

Exercise: I may be slowing down, but I’m still getting out there! I am trying to do walks and hikes a little closer to home these days, so Justin and I went out to the Metolius River on Saturday and did a 6 mile hike along the river. It was beautiful and mostly flat.

The first three miles were fine with the exception of a short stretch of serious bushwhacking, but once we crossed the river to loop back around my body really started to feel achy and fatigued. Thankfully I made it back to the car without too much struggle.

We did a little sightseeing around the river, went to the fish hatchery, and walked around a little more before heading back to Bend.

On Sunday, Justin and I went to the pool and I was able to swim 1600yrds before calling it a day. I was secretly hoping that being in the cooler water would reduce some of the swelling in my ring finger, but no luck. The ring is going nowhere.

I’m still trying to do a combination of walking and hiking a few times a week and will likely spend more time in the pool since it’s currently the only thing that feels really good on my body.

Mood: This week was rough. I am so over pregnancy. There, I said it. While I really am doing my best to stay positive, I’m really struggling. I wish I could just go for a run and clear my mind. At least I have a great support network and loving people all around me. This card from my mother-in-law “Tutu” (which is the Hawaiian word for grandmother) arrived earlier this week. It says “tackle it one day at a time.” Made me smile!

Symptoms: Like last week, I am still having a lot of pain in my lower back and pelvic region, similar to cramps. I am also having a lot more Braxton Hicks contractions, particularly in the evening. My doctor said these are all good signs that my body is prepping for labor. My response… less prep please… bring on the pain!!!

Best moments this week: Justin and I celebrated our THREE year anniversary on Tuesday! He was able to take a half-day off work, so we went out and visited some family friends before going on a hike at Smith Rock State Park.

We definitely weren’t prepared for the hot weather and ended up cutting our hike a little short because of being out there in the heat of the day. It was still fun to get out, nonetheless.

Worst moments this week: Walking around the house helpless at 3am. There is something incredibly lonely about being awake and in pain in the middle of the night, while the rest of the world is sleeping. This is almost a nightly occurrence these days.

Missing: Sleep and feeling comfortable in my body.

Interesting Pregnancy Moments: I know it is fairly common for pregnant women to experience nesting type behaviors, but nobody mentioned that the dad-to-be could experience this as well. Just this past week my husband has started showing signs of nesting instincts. For example, he all of the sudden wanted to clean and dust everything in the house, including the baseboards. You know something is up when you “want” to clean baseboards. He also made an itemized list of everything he wants to include in the diaper bag, and was working on putting together his own hospital bag at 6am. Who’s pregnant again?

Best Quote: During our last doctor appointment, I once again reminded my doctor that no one else is allowed to deliver my baby. He reminded me that as long as he is on call, he would be there to deliver.

My response: “If you aren’t on call I will hold him in.”

His response: “Somehow, I believe that.”

Buying: A few personal items for myself that everyone says I will need. Tucks pads, nursing pads, hands free breastpump bra, and comfortable granny panties that I will likely throw away.

Dreaming About: What he is going to look like. I just can’t wait to meet him.

I’m a little late with my weekly pregnancy update, but that’s a reflection of the type of week I have had → spacey, a little unmotivated, and low energy. What I would consider to be “normal” days are definitely few and far between anymore. I continue to wonder how I am going to make it to 40 weeks without losing my mind. At least with each day that goes by, it is one day closer to meeting our little guy.

Baby is now the size of: A 5.5 pound coconut. At this point he won’t grow much in length, but he’ll continue to plump up at the rate of an ounce a day!

Total weight gain: 31 pounds.

Sleep: Continues to get more uncomfortable, but at least I can still fall asleep like a champ.

Cravings and favorite foods: I honestly don’t know how any food is fitting into my stomach these days. I eat very small portions throughout the day and never really “crave” food.

Food aversions: Pepper.

Exercise: Justin and I took our last trip up to the mountains last weekend and did a brutal 8-mile hike on the Six Lakes Trail. I could tell that my body is starting to wear a little quicker these days, and by the time we were finished I was in a good amount of pain. My pelvic region and lower back just can’t take the weight and pressure like they used to.

Our doctor also advised us to start doing activities a little closer to home. While a lot of the hiking regions are only a 30 minute drive (give or take), if anything were to happen when out on the trails in the middle of nowhere, it might not be the best case scenario. Now that I can technically go into labor at any time (especially while exercising), I don’t want to risk being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Otherwise, I’ve been doing a lot of walking and cleaning. That counts, right?

Mood: Meh. I am starting to have more ups and downs as I enter these final weeks (which I hear are the hardest). Sigh.

Symptoms: Things are really starting to slow down and random pains keep popping up all over the place, particularly in my lower back and pelvic region. I have also been having a lot more Braxton Hicks contractions and am paying more attention to their frequency and intensity.

Best moments this week: Hiking and being outside is always a highlight. I just realized the other day that I have logged more miles and spent more time hiking in the mountains this year compared to any other. Pregnancy really allowed me to branch out and explore new areas around Central Oregon.

Putting the finishing touches on the nursery and doing our first loads of baby laundry. I usually hate doing laundry, but there was something about washing sheets, blankets, and little outfits that had me smiling from ear to ear.

Worst moments this week: Justin had to head over the mountains to Eugene for a work meeting this past week and I decided to go with him for a little get-away and relaxation. The car ride takes about 2 ½ hours and for some reason, on the way back to Bend, my body was hating being in the car. I had excruciating back and leg pain for a majority of the trip, to the point where I was in tears.

Missing: Everything. I just want to throw a pity party for myself at this point.

Interesting Pregnancy Moments: The ring! I’ve noticed other moms-to-be mentioning whether their ring(s) were on or off. I haven’t really thought much about taking off my wedding ring until last week when I woke up and my fingers were really swollen. Well, the swelling has yet to subside and my ring is officially stuck! Justin and I have been researching various ways to get the ring off, using dental floss, mineral oil, ice compression, elastic string, etc. but so far nothing has worked. We are going to try and spend some time in the pool to see if cooling off my body temperature in general will work, but otherwise we may have to have it cut off if it gets too tight. Yikes!!! I wish I had been smarter about this.

Best Quote: “You’re not going to have your baby up here on the trail, are you?” Apparently when you hike with a little human baking in the oven, anyone who passes you on the trail wants to remind you that you are pregnant and could go into labor at ANY time.

Buying: I took advantage of a huge clearance sale at Macys and bought a number of summer outfits for the baby to wear next year. Yes, this is planning ahead, but when you can buy 7 outfits for roughly $30, why not?

Dreaming About: What it is going to be like to train and race next year with my little guy by my side. While we were in Eugene, I spent some time outside reading A Life Without Limits and it sparked a lot of excitement for what’s in store for next year. I can’t believe how much life is going to change.

One of the many things that brought Justin and I together was our shared loved for traveling and adventure. In our years together, Justin and I have journeyed to many unbelievable destinations, and experienced moments that will forever remain engraved in our memories. We both agree that as we raise our son, we want to do it with the doors wide open into a world where he can explore, learn, and appreciate the treasures that each day brings. It was only fitting that we put together a travel and adventure themed nursery, hoping that he will stare at the world knowing that adventure waits and the world is his to wander.

Here is a little peek into what has become one of my favorite rooms in the house. I cannot wait to watch our son play and grow in this little space in the world.

We based our colors and theme off a large world map canvas that Justin’s sister had found at Ikea. When we went up to Seattle for the 4th of July, Justin’s mom had purchased the map for us as a gift. We created the “welcome to the world” banner to give it a little extra character, and will likely start “tagging” all the places we travel with him (as well as some of the places he has already traveled!).

The changing pad and cover are from Aden + Anais, and the stacked metal baskets were a great find at TJ Maxx that we have converted into storage for swaddles, burp cloths, receiving blankets, etc.

Justin and I both fell in love with this off-white rustic crib and dresser set from Franklin and Ben. We are still waiting on the changer that goes with the dresser, which was backordered until mid-August. The furniture is high quality and will be used for many years, as the crib converts into both a toddler and twin-size bed. Thank you Nana and Tutu!!!

The Meridian rocker may be one of the most comfortable chairs I have ever sat in. It rocks, swivels, and reclines, which is exactly what I wanted.

We also spent some time figuring out what type of décor we wanted to include on the walls and around the nursery. We found a variety of wooden hollow world globes at World Market and TJ Maxx and Justin was able to hang them from the ceiling creating a unique type of mobile.

My mother-in-law also gave us the Dr. Seuss piece of art with the quote, “Oh, the places you’ll go.” This was only fitting, as she loves to spoil her children and grandchildren with experiences and adventures, and it is a perfect complement to the “Let your dreams take you places” print that is hanging above the crib, which we found at Hobby Lobby.

We also took a couple of rustic storage shelves, which Justin had made into wine bottle holders from an old shipping palate, and turned them into little book holders. I asked people to bring books instead of cards to my baby shower, so he now has a little collection of great bedtime stories and other reads.

I found these three corkboards at Target and could not resist. They will be great for when the pictures, art, memorabilia, etc. start rolling in.

And of course, the closet. I still have a few things I would like to do/add to the closet, but his clothes are all washed and organized by size, and everything seems to have a place. Needless to say, I think he is going to be one stylish little baby. He even has his first Air Jordans, Keen hiking boots, and running shoes. Melt my heart.

Now pretty much all that is missing is him! It will be fun to see how his little room evolves as his personality and interests begin to develop over time.

If you were to decorate a nursery, what colors or theme would you use?

First, I would like to start by saying thank you to everyone who reached out to me and/or commented on my last post. You all had so many encouraging things to say and it’s allowed me to really reflect on this time and feel more accepting of my decision to stop running for the remainder of my pregnancy. Like many of you said, I will be back and hopefully stronger than ever. For now, I am just going to enjoy the rest and allow my body to prepare for a different type of physical challenge. We are getting so close to meeting our little guy!!!

Baby is now the size of: A cantaloupe. We actually had an ultrasound this week and found out he is 5 pounds and around 18 inches long.

Total weight gain: I have gained 31 pounds and expect to gain a few more as he grows in these final weeks!

Sleep: Could be better, could be worse. I have added another pillow to the mix for my belly and am officially surrounded by a sea of pillows while I sleep.

Exercise: If you read my last post, you know that I am starting to really slow down on the running front. In fact, I don’t think I will be running again until after the baby is here. I may throw in a few strides here and there for muscle memory, but for the most part I will stick to hikes, walks, and swimming.

Speaking of hiking, this past weekend Justin and I went up to the mountains and did a gorgeous 8-mile round trip hike to No Name Lake. It’s a glacier lake that is tucked away at 8,200 feet on the side of Broken Top Mountain, and if it weren’t for a faint side trail and word-of-mouth, I guarantee that no one would no this lake exists.

Unfortunately, because it was a hot weekend in Bend, everyone else had the same idea as us and there were SO MANY people everywhere. I don’t think I have ever seen that many people on one of the hiking trails up in the mountains. I guess it is just a reflection of how many people (I would say over half were from out of town) are visiting and recreating in Bend. I really wanted to dive in, but didn’t want to shock the baby. It was COLD!!!

I held up pretty well considering that a couple of the miles were a steep climb and the sun was beating down on us. There was one area that required us to cross a small creek (thank you trekking poles) and one area that had us climbing over larger rocks and boulders. It was all well worth it though. I can’t wait to revisit this trail at another time when there aren’t as many tourists.

Cravings and favorite foods: Food is kind of meh right now. I still enjoy my smoothies and popsicles, but no real cravings although I did eat an Eggwhite McMuffin from McDonalds, which is a definite sign that my body is out of whack. I NEVER eat fast food.

Food aversions: I don’t have any specific aversions, but food in general does not sound good right now.

Best moments this week: Hiking and spending time with Justin. Our days with just the two of us are numbered, so we are making each day count.

My friend Jessica was also in town visiting family and I met up with her for a pedicure. She just started her own business called Just a Little Pampering, and I got to be one of her first clients. I love the look of the gel polish and Seahawks colors. This girl is ready for football season.

Another highlight of the week was a baby shower that Justin’s coworkers threw for us at his work. They ordered my favorite cupcakes from Ida’s, gave us a card filled with words of encouragement, and surprised us with a Bob Revolution Pro stroller. It was beyond generous. The stroller is incredibly light and perfect for the trails. I can’t wait to go running with my little sidekick!

Mood: All things considering, I’ve been in a fairly good mood. Not my usual energized self, but still positive and on the happy side of the spectrum.

Symptoms: General body achiness, nausea, and constantly feeling hot. I know something is off when I’m hot and my husband is cold. That never happens.

Missing: Being able to fit into normal clothes. My options are really limited right now, but at least it’s summer and I can easily slip into a maxi skirt or dress. I’m really looking forward to reuniting with my pre-pregnancy wardrobe.

Interesting Pregnancy Moments: Justin and I took a couple childbirth and care classes this past week and learned all about the labor process, infant CPR, diapering, swaddling, and general survival tips during the first year. The information was a little overwhelming, but very helpful. One thing that really surprised me is that we shouldn’t use a bumper on our crib as they pose a suffocation threat to the baby. Why on earth do crib sets come with bumpers if they are linked to SIDS? And of course, the bumper is one of the most expensive pieces of the crib set.

Best Quote: “He’s a stubborn little guy.” – the ultrasound technician. “Just like his mother.” – Justin. We finally got a chance to see our little boy and he decided to be really shy and cover his face with his arm and some of the umbilical cord. We saw part of his nose and upper lip, but that’s about it. Apparently he wants us to be surprised when he makes his debut into the world. At least we know he is head down and in the correct position for giving birth. Good baby.

Buying: We finally purchased a diaper bag. Because Justin is going to be helping out a lot with our little guy, I wanted him to choose the bag. We both fell in love with this one from Nordstrom. I have several huge purses that can probably be used as a backup/spare as well.

Dreaming About: What it’s going to be like giving birth. On second thought, maybe I shouldn’t think too much about that.

I always thought I would be one of those women who would run her way through pregnancy. If others can do it, why not me? I was naïve to think that my body could easily manage the weight gain and bowling ball sized belly stretched out in front of me, and that I could fight through any obstacle that pregnancy threw my way. Yeah, right. It’s amazing how every pregnant woman is different, reaching various peaks and valleys throughout her 10-month journey.

The reality of where I am at in my pregnancy is starting to kick in. I’d be lying if I said that running right now is easy and enjoyable, although I do have my shoes laced up and am ready to go on a short run as soon as I finish this post. It’s not. While I enjoy being outside and reaping the psychological benefits that running provides, physically it no longer feels “good.” There are days when I can run three miles without stopping (albeit at a very slow pace) and days when I have to walk for long periods at a time, turning the run into more of a wog. Regardless of the distance or type of run, the pain is there nonetheless and it takes a while for my body to recover and feel good again.

For a few weeks now, I have been in denial about the possibility of hanging up my running shoes. It’s a hard reality to face, especially for someone who has never had to take a break from or give up entirely the sport that I love. Running became a central part of my life in 2006 after losing my father to pancreatic cancer. To help cope with the emotions, pain, and grief, I signed up for the Houston Marathon and haven’t stopped running since. This will be the first time in NINE years that I won’t be able to just go out for a run when I need it. It will be a long break (for me) but one that I know I will need.

The reality is, it is a decision that ultimately rests with me. No one is telling me not to run. It will be much easier to accept the break and not run once our baby is here, knowing that I will be following doctor’s orders. But for now, it is my decision and my responsibility to listen to my body. Unfortunately, my body is speaking several different languages to me right now and I just don’t know when or how to stop. It should be easy, but it’s not.

The one emotion that really lingers when I start to think about hanging up my running shoes is fear. I am honestly afraid of taking a break from running. The fear is what keeps me going back for “one more run.” Can I do it? Do I still have it in me? Am I capable? I also have a fear of losing my identity as a runner. Running has been such an intricate part of my life and who I am for so long – what does that life look like without it? It scares me to think of what might change during those months away. How will I cope with stress? What will be my new outlet when I need to get away with my thoughts? Will I still love running when we reconnect down the road? Therein lies a lot of uncertainty. And this girl likes her certainty.

On the flip side, there are a number of positive questions lingering in my mind regarding my running ability when it ramps back up after the baby arrives. Will running with him in the BOB help form the foundation of an active lifestyle for him? Will it strengthen my mental fortitude? Will my ability to persevere through physical discomfort and fatigue, which is already strong, be further increased? Is it possible that I could actually come out of this stronger, wiser, and faster than my pre-pregnancy self? I hope the answer to all of these questions is a resounding YES, but only time will truly tell.

All that being said, I am beyond grateful that I have been able to run up until 34 weeks into my pregnancy. Running has taken on an entirely new meaning for me this past year. It’s no longer about training for a specific distance or speed, but rather about getting outside, breathing in the fresh air, having uninterrupted time to reflect and think about the changes ahead, and connecting with the life inside of me. Even through discomfort and pain running has:

→ made me feel like me again. Like my doctor always reminds me, I am lending out my body for 10 months and have very little control over the changes it endures. When I am running, I feel reconnected to who I was before my body started to change.

→ increased my confidence and shifted my mindset, allowing me to focus more on what my body is still capable of doing, rather than what it is now limited to.

→ helped me to reconnect with my body. I’ve learned to listen to and be in tune with how my body is feeling and what it needs. I used to downplay certain hints and signals that my body would send, but now I welcome them and listen openly to what my body needs. There is nothing wrong with walking or cutting a workout short. This does not make me weak.

→ given me a newfound appreciation for what this sport means to me. The fact that I get tears in my eyes knowing that I will soon have to say goodbye is a good reminder of how much I really do love and need running in my life.

→ taught me a lesson in humility. It’s hard to slow down and find yourself in a physical state that you have never been in before. My relationship with running has always been one of progress and improvement, and I’ve learned this year that it’s okay to slow down and not have to be “better” than I once was. There is a time for growth and there is a time for rest. I had never been very good at rest before pregnancy.

My days running are very limited and soon I will have to say a temporary goodbye. But I know I will be back. It’s crazy to think about how life is going to change in the coming weeks.

I will never again be the person I once was.

I will never again be the same runner.

The next time I step up to the start line of a race, head out for a long run, or push through a little speed work at the track, it will be in a body that will have gone through something truly remarkable. And I will have a little miracle by my side, cheering me on along the course, or waiting anxiously for me at the finish line, to show for it.

Have you ever had to give up something, temporarily or permanently, that you really loved? How did you cope?

Has there been a moment or event in your life that has changed you as a runner – or athlete in general?

Hi, I’m Kristen. Thank you for stopping by. Follow me along my journey of becoming a faster runner, endurance triathlete, and world traveler. I’ll also mix in a few random musings, open up about life, and share my adventures around my hometown of Bend, Oregon.

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