ROCKFORD — In one recurring dream, Stan North needs to fire his gun but the trigger won’t work. In another, he shoots, but the bullets come out in slow motion.

His blood pressure remains high, even with medication. He has trouble sleeping. He admits his wife finds him irritable at times, a hard man to live with.

Most of all, if a situation required him to fire his gun to save a life, the Rockford police officer told the Police Pension Board he’s not sure he could get the job done.

“I’d hesitate,” he said. “Seeing what I saw, the way this transpired with (Mark Anthony) Barmore, it was a sight I wish not to repeat.”

He likely won’t have to. Wednesday, the Pension Board unanimously granted North’s request to receive a duty-related disability pension from the Rockford Police Department, ending his 23-year career as a police officer. He’ll leave the force with 65 percent of his salary, or about $42,000 a year tax free, guaranteed for the rest of his life.

The five-member board — made up of two police officers, two mayoral appointees and a retiree — found North was disabled as a result of the psychological aftermath of the fatal police shooting of Barmore in August 2009, and that the trauma was related to North’s actions while on duty.

Examined by doctors

Before Wednesday’s hearing, North, who has been on paid leave since shortly after the shooting, had been examined by three board-selected physicians, plus his own doctors. All but one concluded that North could not return to the force and was disabled. The Pension Board subpoenaed his medical records and other information from the city — more than 1,000 pages of documentation in all — to conduct the hearing, which lasted all of Wednesday morning.

Mostly taciturn, other times emotional, North gave his recollection of the day he and fellow Officer Oda Poole chased Barmore, who was wanted in connection with a domestic dispute with a woman, into a downtown church and inside the House of Grace day care, 518 N. Court St.

The chase ended in a basement boiler room. Barmore attempted to prevent officers from entering.

When the officers forced their way in with their weapons drawn, Barmore first hid, then walked toward Poole and grabbed his gun.

A struggle ensued, North said.

“This is just within a few seconds. From the moment the struggle happened, I instantly recognized this is a life-or-death situation,” North said, pausing often to collect himself. “I drew my weapon up for just a few moments. I didn’t have a clear shot because Oda was closer to me; I didn’t think I had a clear shot without a chance of hitting him.

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“Miraculously, they both turned counter-clockwise, which exposed Barmore to me as a clear target. Once I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to hit Oda, I fired off four rounds. Three of them hit Barmore.”

Barmore, 23, died at the scene. Police initially thought he may have been armed with a knife, but he was unarmed.

The shooting sparked a wave of outrage from members of Barmore’s family, civil rights advocacy groups and community leaders across the city, who questioned the officers’ use of force. A Winnebago County grand jury ruled in 2009 that the shooting was justified, although an independent, city-ordered review released later said North and Poole “used poor tactics.”

North said the Police Department occasionally got word of death threats against him, necessitating police protection. Officers also found posters in the community stating Poole and North were wanted for murder.

But North testified that the outrage surrounding the shooting was not the reason he can’t continue as a police officer.

It’s the memory of that day that he feels prevents him from rejoining the force.

“The bad publicity is not preventing me from going back to work. It’s the shooting itself,” he said. “I don’t want to see another officer put in that situation again and have to take another life.”

Although North’s career on the Police Department is over, Poole remains on leave from the department. A 30-day suspension is still pending following the results of an evaluation for his fitness to return to duty, city Legal Director Patrick Hayes said in an email.