Saturday, April 25, 2009

Kiper versus McShay in Wrestlemania? Why not?

Our national nightmare is almost over.

We won’t have to watch a split-screen shot of Mel Kiper, Jr. and Todd McShay on ESPN day after day and night after night for much longer. Maybe until Monday or when ESPN starts analyzing the 2010 NFL draft next month.

I don’t know about you but I’m burned out on the NFL draft and it’s hasn’t even started. I turned on the TV this morning to watch it and there’s actor Matthew McConaughey talking about it. Wait a minute? The NFL draft is a man’s man’s draft. What the hell is McConaughey, a girl’s man, doing on my TV screen. He’s Mr. Chick Flick. And he’s got a shirt on!!!!

Anyway, McConaughey suddenly appears on the pre-draft draft show and the clock is showing three plus hours before the actual draft begins whereas the Detroit Lions will announce that Georgia quarterback Matthew (Don’t Call McConaughey) Stafford is the No. 1 choice in the 2009 NFL draft then we wait another 10 minutes before the No. 2 pick of the 2009 NFL draft is announced and so on and so on and so on.

OK, I’m getting off track. Back to Kiper and McShay. ESPN has faceplanted its two top NFL draft analysts on our cable TV screens side by side more than “before” and “after” photos of dieters and fitness freaks on infomercials. My goodness, Kiper and McShay have been pictured together more than Brad and Angelina. They’ve argued more on ESPN than Bill O’Reilly and liberals on Fox. I’m just plain sick of them.

Besides, Kiper, when he worked alone for years perusing the NFL draft for ESPN, appeared to be a nice guy who has having a ton of fun. Now, whenever he stands or sitsnext to McShay, it appears Kiper has had a ton of prune juice. Body language suggests that Kiper is about as eager to engage McShay as a father is a dirty diaper and McShay, hyped on Red Bull or Mountain Dew or something, comes across the screen as smug as a male stripper at a bachelorette party.

All I really care about is whom the Raiders and 49ers will draft on Saturday and Kiper and McShay, over the past, what, eight months or so have probably changed their minds as often as women. Or men think women do.

So let’s make this simple: Raiders take Jeremy Maclin, 49ers take Michael Crabtree and we turn off Kiper and McShay. Deal?