Monday, June 22, 2015

The ad’s for
some kind of VW hybrid car, I don’t know which one, because I’m too busy being
horrified by the image of three horrible little boys essentially vandalizing a
quickie mart while their clueless mother pumps gas. I guess she’s been punished
for her reliance on fossil fuels by having to bear the offspring of Satan three
times. Which seems excessive, but I guess she is destroying the planet and everything.

While the gas
and sip is being destroyed by these creatures who are drinking the Slurpees right
from the fountain and covering the floor in Easy Cheese, a virtuous
hybrid-driving woman drives blissfully by with her three angelic children
sitting silently in the car.

This is not okay.

I have a number
of problems with this scenario, beyond the clearly fictional idea that three
modern tween boys would be quiet without a tablet or smartphone and access to
reliable wi-fi. First, this is a post-Bart Simpson era depiction of a world of
powerless, stupid adults. Both the alleged mother of the hooligans and the
store clerk stand by and watch, helpless and mute, as these monsters do
whatever they want. This is just dumb. You are bigger than they are, and I hope
to God smarter. End them.

Second, though
this is related, is the implication here that children cannot possibly be controlled? Our only hope is
to find a better way to outlast them—with, say, a more efficient fuel option
that can prevent us from having to slow down and by doing so risk being sued by
7/11.

Finally, the
song that plays is “Mommas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys.” These
little creeps aren’t cowboys. Let’s not
co-opt a cool American icon and turn it into a joke (to sell German cars). It’s
not cool to make a giant mess and not clean it up. I demand a sequel featuring a big bucket of bleach followed by a time-out. Or maybe I'm wrong, maybe if you go hybrid your children really do turn into tiny angels who love to do housework, assisted by singing cartoon birdies.