18 days…..

Eighteen days ago I wrote a blog post – I’m done! That was one day before my husband left on an extended trip and one day before it all fell apart. Again.

That’s the thing about panic disorders, what we are really scared of, is the next panic attack. When, where, how, why, will I be ready, will it take me out, what will happen this time???

Those 18 days right now seem like a lifetime ago. An Eon. An Eternity. Funny, you know what else seems like an eon ago? My first panic attack. You know what doesn’t feel like an eon ago – every single solitary panic attack. If that makes any sense.

Even though five years-old feels like a helluva long time ago the first panic attack I remember is still right under the surface if I start to talk about it.

Do you find that to be true? That just talking about a panic attack can bring on a panic attack? That you can go right there immediately and feel it all over again.

I’ve been working with that theory for the last 17 days in part to the two books I was reading when I wrote that blog post. If I can feel ALL of that all over again, why not feel my wedding day all over again? Or the day they put my son’s in my arms for the first time? Or Kindergarten graduation, or the first soccer goal, or etc..etc…etc….

There is a lot of brain research going on these days and it’s all fascinating but the stuff that interests me the most is the stuff like 90% of the thoughts you had today – are the same thoughts you had yesterday. That our brains have to process so much information on a millisecond basis that is throws a lot of that information out in lieu of finding patterns or past experience. It wants a quick and easy and already defined pathway instead of creating a new one. So if it looks enough like a duck your brain says DUCK! and runs with it.

Is it any wonder that anxietyoholics struggle with getting rid of panic attacks? Our brain is determined to keep chugging that train down the tracks because it’s easy and it’s already there. And derailing that train is hard. Very hard. And it can be done, but it is SO HARD.

I know it is, I’m sorry, I’m struggling too. Just don’t give up – if you don’t I won’t!! Together we can derail this damn crazy train.