When we talk about creating
a safe environment for our children, the things that immediately come to mind
are clean air, safe drinking water, and chemical-free places to grow, learn and
play. But as the terrible shootings at Dawson College, Platte Canyon High
School and the Amish schoolhouse so tragically demonstrated earlier this fall,
we must learn to re-define what it means to create a truly safe environment for
our children. These recent tragedies were also terrible reminders of other
school shootings: the Columbine High School massacre of April 20, 1999, that
left 15 dead and 24 wounded, and the fatal school shooting of a student in
Taber, Alberta, only days later.

In every case unsuspecting
students had gone to school on those fateful days assuming that they would be
safe. Their parents had all made the same assumption. The true terror of each
of those events was that they are painful reminders that no matter how hard we
try, our children are vulnerable.

From the initial shock of
the events came disbelief, grief and rage. We memorialized the victims and we
analyzed the perpetrators with an effort to understand why they did such
terrible things. As time has passed and the evidence has mounted, perhaps the
hardest part of these tragedies is acknowledging that each of the perpetrators
was also once a victim. Like their victims, each had a family, friends and
loved ones who mourn their loss and also wonder why.

“We are devastated by the
final act of violence,” wrote parenting expert and author Barbara Coloroso,
“but are rarely outraged by the events that led to the final act.” She cautions
that in every case, the perpetrators involved had both what she describes as,
“a disposition and a situation.” In other words, an individual’s inherent
tendencies (nature) can be shaped, positively or negatively, by his or her
environment (nurture).

“In the wake of tragedies
like these school shootings, the first thing that we have to do is be willing
and open not to demonize the perpetrators,” said Coloroso. “If we allow
ourselves to demonize them, it removes us from having to take any
responsibility for what happened.” Coloroso uses Eric and Dylan, the two
students that killed at Columbine High School as an example. She points out
they had been targeted and bullied as younger students. The mother of the Taber
shooter said he too had endured incessant bullying and was depressed before the
shooting. Fellow students described him as someone who was unpopular and the
frequent subject of name-calling and teasing.

“This doesn’t justify what
they did, but it helps explain some of their rage,” Coloroso said. “We’ve got
to get back to taking a critical look at creating an environment that is
conducive to kids caring about each other.”

“I feel sorry for the poor
kids who perpetrate these horrible crimes,” said school trustee Cathy Abraham.
“How awful to get to a place in your life where this is the best you can do.
What must it be like to be inside these children’s heads?”

In order to protect all of
our children, we must learn to be diligent. We need to watch for early warning
signs that indicate a child is feeling bullied or isolated. These include:

Children who don’t have anything nice to say
about other kids, their teachers or school.

Children who isolate themselves socially and
don’t have any close friends.

Children who are always plugged in to video
games, particularly violent ones.

Children who complain, “Kids are being mean to
me.”

Children who spend a disproportionate amount of
time of the Internet, in chat rooms or using messenging programs.

Coloroso says that the
antidote to isolation is to teach our children to care deeply, share
generously, and help willingly. We also need to teach our kids the difference
between “tattling” and “telling”. If a child is being bullied, he or she needs
to be reassured that it’s important to talk about it with a caring adult.

“Keep an open dialogue, pay
attention, get involved, and never, ever look away,” advises Coloroso. That’s a
tall order, but one that must be accomplished if we have any hope of breaking
the escalating cycle of violence and preventing today’s isolated and troubled
child from becoming tomorrow’s murderer.

RELATED WEBSITE

Coloroso’s
website, http://www.kidsareworthit.com
has excellent downloadable resources for parents and teachers, including her
essay, “The Bully, The Bullied, and The Bystander: Breaking the Cycle of
Violence.”