Where ideal is subjective

Category Archives: Economics

MUMBAI: On Monday a senior RBI official announced new measures which he said he hopes would potentially and probably ease the suffering suffered by the suffering common sufferer. The new measures came as a huge relief for 7 Indian citizens. This journalist was able to speak with over 50% of these benefited citizens and all of them praised the foresight and compassion shown by the bank and the government, both of whom ironically are called central.

Among others, some of the measures announced were:

All citizens who don’t have bank accounts will be allowed to open new bank accounts in 3 minutes under the ‘Please bank on us’ scheme and will be immediately allowed to withdraw unlimited amounts of money from any ATM in the country. There will however be a limit on their deposits which is set at ₹100 every 17 seconds.

All unmarried people who have kids are allowed to withdraw ₹2 lakhs per kid per day provided they can furnish DNA evidence proving they are the parents of the said kid. This resulted in a lot quick Facebook ‘Relationship Status’ updates, however their children have been depressed ever since they were made aware that they will never be allowed to get a passport or any other government identification which requires both Father’s and Mother’s name, until the time the parents marry each other.

All petrol pumps selling air turbine fuel will accept old and fake notes till 31st March 2019. This is said to be a major relief for all the common men who own cars which work on jet fuel.

All those holding a salary account with any bank and earning a net income of less than ₹10,000 will be outside all withdrawals limit set till date, provided they have a minimum account balance of ₹2 lakhs and own at least 2 credit cards. This is seen as a direct reward for all in the lower and middle income group who have wholeheartedly embraced digital and electronic banking.

Anyone living more than 15 kilometers away from the nearest bank branch are allowed to withdraw any amount they desire if their journey to the bank branch was on foot and they can tender such proof.

All previous announcements made by RBI during ‘Rahu Kaalam’ have been revoked. All citizens benefited by these announcements will be investigated on once the auspicious time for all such investigations are announced by the relevant experts.

All citizens who are suffering from serious withdrawal symptoms post the exit of Arnab Goswami from Times Now are allowed withdraw any amount of cash required to cope with their depression. A qualified dentist’s certificate would be necessary.

All those who take an oath to stop honking while driving are allowed to withdraw ₹25,000 a day and they will be gifted this amount if they uninstall horns from all their vehicles. Bank managers will check the vehicles personally in these cases.

All through Monday there were violent protests by all rich tax payers as they see this as an invasive attack on their evasive practices.

It seemed like stress had taken a toll on Mr. Das as his usually impeccable spectacles looked heavily smudged and his tea-stained tie looked befittingly unfitting. When questioned on the absence of his boss at all public announcements, he said Mr. Patel has been busy signing all the new notes by hand to curb out counterfeiting and honour our soldiers. He then spontaneously started singing the national anthem, visibly moved by the patriotism displayed and sacrifice made by the Governor. Two journalists at the press conference suffered minor injuries. They later disclosed that they were surprised by hearing the national anthem and fearing public displeasure stood up too fast, the movement causing whiplash in their neck and back. They’ve been prescribed painkillers and balm but they said they don’t have cash to pay for the medicine.

We Indians have had a terrible month of August. If someone could measure the general happiness of a general Indian, it would possibly break the wrong end of the scale. The Happiness Barometer of the mentioned general Indian is majorly governed by three key factors, the performance of the Indian Cricket Team, the performance of the stock markets and the performance of the Indian Government, in that particular order.

The Indian Cricket Team is currently on the tour of England and for the sake of being nice to them, let’s just say they are being humiliated. The first two tests of the four test series showed the glaring difference between a fitter, hungrier and better prepared side and India. Indian supporters typically were not prepared to throw in the towel. We believed this team could still level the series come August. But the bad news kept on coming. Players started getting injured and backups kept boarding flights to England every other day. The scheduled warm up match before the third test too ended in disappointment. We still believed we could pull it off, after all Sehwag and Gambhir were both again fit to play. Well, nothing of that sort has happened and it seems the number one test ranking will be unceremoniously snatched from us.

Let us move on to the more serious topic of global economy. Somehow, global economy seems to be doing worse than Indian Cricket. America has quite unceremoniously lost its AAA rating and stock markets the world over have obliged by replicating the domino effect. Investors the world over have lost Trillions of their hard earned dollars and it is no different in India. Oil prices are shooting up, dollar is getting stronger, gold prices are breaking new highs, every share is breaking their lows and ‘Double Dip’ no longer means an ice cream flavor. People are genuinely worried about how the economy will play out in the next few months and eventually in the next couple of years. For the first time in a very long time, America seems to be coming down to its knees and no one really knows how long they will take to stand back up. Everyone is getting ready to hang onto their jobs now and preparing to go on an austerity drive thanks to the lessons they got from 2008. If the bulls don’t show up anytime soon, panic will be the order of the day.

From the serious topic of economics we will now move to the much lighter topic of politics. Shambles is the word that springs to mind when one thinks of the state of the Indian Government right now. The ruling party does not know how many they need to fire to regain face, the party leader is ill (may God bless her) with a secret illness, the Prime Minister doesn’t speak much and when he does come prepared with a speech, the opposition party boycotts proceedings and doesn’t let him speak at all! Apart from all this, there are people going on fasts, CMs refusing to resign and then resigning, inflation spiraling out of control and the economy is not being kind either. The only miraculous reason this government still exists is that there is no other possible alternative.

The irony of this entire situation is that this nation will be celebrating its 64th Independence Day on 15th. This date nicely and symbolically splits this month. Maybe the start of the 65th year will be brighter and happier for its people. But the cricket team might still lose.