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Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Holy shit, you’re fucked. It was just a couple weeks ago that your Dad sat you down and told you that you needed to get your shit together or else he’s going to stop paying for your tuition and rent and now this shit happens. Apparently some fucking bro hater saw you and your bros drive a golf cart into the campus lake and watch it sink while one of your bros played “My Heart Will Go On” on his kazoo. For some strange reason the fucking administration and honor council are both taking the word of the bro hater over that of a bro. How anyone can ever even think of bringing a child into a world where injustices like this go on is fucking beyond me. The Dean is pissed. With a smirk slowly crawling across his stupid fucking bro hater face, he hits you with it: “You’re expelled.” You’re head starts to spin. What the fuck just happened? Is College really over? What the fuck is going on? Am I really going to have to live at home and go to Community College with all those meth-addicts and girls who got knocked up in high school? Dejected, you quietly mutter to yourself, “This is worse than living in Haiti.”
As you get back to your #32 Bro Pad to start packing up your shit, you immediately see the answer to all your problems sitting in your living room. It’s six feet tall and purple. It’s a symbol of just how much of a bro you truly are. It’s the lifesize statue of Grimace that you and your bros #2 stole from McDonald’s this past weekend. You immediately realize that no fucking bro hater is going to end your Senior year. After all, your parents don’t even know about this shit, not to mention they’ve already paid tuition. All you need for the next four months is rent and beer money. It’s time to pull off one of the greatest bro pastimes ever. It’s time to fucking lie. Sure your parents will find out eventually when you never get your diploma, but who gives a fuck. Graduation is pretty fucking far away and there’s drinking and slamming to be done. Besides, you’re a bro, by definition one of the smartest people on the planet – you’ll think of something. In the mean time, with pesky school out of the way, all you’ll have to do for the next couple months is drinking, banging, and lying through your fucking teeth to your parents so they’ll keep sending you money.

Bros fucking love to lie. They fucking do it all the time. You know who loves to tell the truth? That’s right, fucking bro haters. What the fuck does telling the truth get you? A fucking merit badge for your Boy Scout sash? Fuck that. Bros realize that everyone lies, but much like everything else in life ( #23 drinking and driving,#31 having sex with strangers, #14 having rich parents, etc.) bros have perfected that shit. Let’s take a look at a few of the groups of people who bros love to lie to.

Complete Strangers: Say you’re driving down the street and you come to a stop light. All of the sudden some old woman who looks like she crawled out of her grave this morning motions for you to roll down your window.

“Excuse me Sonny – can you tell me how to get to the Pharmacy. I have to pick up my medication and can’t seem to remember quite where it is.”
“Oh no problem,” and you give her the directions – or so she thinks. Little does she know you just sent her on a wild goose chase on the fucking Interstate.

Hilarious. Maybe next time she’ll wise up and invest some of that drug money into a navigation system.

Police – Throughout the history of time, there has never been a documented case of a true bro ever being honest with the fucking cops. I mean how could you ever be expected to when they ask such condemning questions, like, “How much have you had to drink tonight?” or “Sir, Is that #70 weed I smell” or “Did you really think it was a good idea to #97 take a dump on the hood of a school bus in broad daylight?” I mean, seriously, what do we look like? Fucking idiots? Of course we’re gonna lie about that shit. It’s called the 5th amendment, bitch.

Girls – Sure it’s fun to fuck around with old people and avoid getting arrested, but when it comes down to it, there’s one group of people who bros have mastered the art of lying to: fucking slam pieces. Everyone fucking knows that bros are like a million times smarter than any girl, but when we start to use that superior intelligence to our advantage is when there’s just no chance at all for girls. Bros fucking love getting wasted and telling girls ridiculous lies like, “I lost you’re number, but now that you gave it to me a second time I’ll definitely #49 call you,” “I’ll totally take you out on a date next week,” or “I’ll pull out.” I mean please, if you actually believe a bro when he says something like, “I don’t want to be with anyone else except you,” then you might as well believe in fucking Rumpelstiltskin too, because its pretty much a fairy tale.

Bros realize just how fucking amazing that they are, but every now and then they need that extra boost. You’re a fucking bro, one of the most important and influential people in the entire world. People will believe anything you say.

Bros are the world heavy-weight champions of liars--its as essential to being a Bro as having a huge tolerance or being a total prick to girls. I've had more than one cum-dumpster ask me before a hook up how many chicks I've been with, and if I'm clean. First of all--I lost count on how many slots I filled years ago--so I tell them under 10. And as for clean? Shit--I'm taking just as big a chance with her as she is with me (So I keep telling myself).

The old "pull out" lie is a classic. Nothing better then turning a slampig into your own personal cum dumpster when she least expects it. Best of all, after a bro is done slammin, shes worth nothing more than an average nut rag, so a bro can feel free to send the slam on her way until the next time she finds herself with a ticket punched to "Pound Town"

Haiti jokes are always hilarious. Those fuckin Haiters chose to live down there- it's a lifestyle choice, just like being gay, poor or black. Even better were the American couples who tried to kidnap some of the Haiter children and bring them to America, where they would have surely suffocated breathing in the sweet air of freedom. For all you pussies aka bro-haiters who don't like the jokes, keep sippin on your haitorade.

All good things, NYB. Except fucking with old people. That shit is not cool. Help them get to the pharmacy and home so they can get the fuck off the road. Plus that's probably some bro's grandma. The sooner she gets home from the pharmacy, the sooner said bro will have a new stash of pain killers for his bros.

1. 18 Years old In Sea Isle City, NJ. Convinced a Freshmen Police Officer that my Dad was Chief of Police back home near Philly and that I could get him recognition for the work he had done. How did I have this run in with the officer, you ask? He stopped me for Underage Drinking/Open container on the Promenade at Sea Isle City at midnight.

Take Away: Of course I didn't get ticketed or arrested, I'm a BRO.

2. 19 years old. Absolutely obliterated drinking at one of my Bro's BroPads as a few cops stroll by. Of course I flagged them down for a dick measuring contest. I addressed these bro-haters in an Irish accent explaining to them that "I'm just a genuine guy" and "I was trying to do the right thing." They didn't buy it. They whipped out this bro-hating mythological device called a "BREATHALYZER" that apparently can tell you whether you are drunk or not... Fucking nonsense if you ask me. This FALSE device apparently leads to an invitation into the back of the police cruiser when you "are too drunk." -- How The FUCK can a person be too drunk, I just don't understand!!

Take away: Yea, I got arrested and continued lying to these bro-hating pigs. But I got the best of them when I told them my Pops was a District Justice.

As a bro from columbia i just want to say that the bro-hater from the real USC (university of south carolina) who wrote that article does not speak for all male residents of Columbia. Its actually a pretty bronominal place

This weekend, I was at Univeristy of Michigan , Def full of Bro's and After watching Michigan Lax tear up the field, I lied to some stupid Pike Pledges to get into their party. Pledges don't know shit, I am a KA and i knew more about Pi Kappa Alpha then they did. I then drank 12 of the beers, Danced on their women and then sneaked upstairs and stole some shit from a dudes room and just walked out and said thanks. Lying is Ballin

Im a KA at UK and I did the same thing at a Phi Delt party during their rush week. Spring Rush is so easy to pass of as a potential that anyone will believe you arent in a frat as long as you give them a fake name. haha

Great post NYB. Lying is the shit. Especially to cops and slampieces. And the kid from South Carolina, is just about the worst bro-hater on the face of the earth. Guarantees he wears condoms (if he has even lost his v-card), goes on dates, votes, and wears skinny jeans. Fuck that kid.

Brocious Maximus - even better comment, dead on with "under 10" nonsense. But these chicks are all worthless to believe a BRO hasn't banged in the double digits, even if he is a bro in training freshman.

Moving on, Lying is a skill. Some people have it some people don't(Bro haters). Bro's, we are fucking genius, we can make just about anyone think we are somehow more important than them because , well we are..

My favorite lying memory would have to be when I was in a class fucking around on the internet downloading music illegally(#2 stealing shit) (test day, had to show up).. about 2 weeks later I get a letter from the school informing me I was going to be Sued for illegal downloads and I was in violation of my internet agreement with the university. Bro haters. I lyed my way out of that one, said my computer was stolen and I had save my password in it so anyone could get on it. Even sold my comp on craigslist etc so I couldnt be seen with one, they bought it, told my parents the comp was stolen so they bought me a new fuckin one too. Bros - 1 Bro haters - 0

Bros, there is a lesson to be learned from that South Carolina bitch. Out of the 100someodd comments that have graced that shithole of an "Article", only about 6 girls have commented. All of those chicks are probably sitting at home right now watching Lifetime with ben & jerrys ice cream on their laps. The kid is obviously content with his girlfriend (if shes hot) cheating on him for one of us and his only response is to write an article for a party-schools newspaper and expects to get some form of recognition. His ignorance almost made me sad, until I realized hes a fucking bro hater and deserves all of the shit coming to him! Bros Rule!

Yea fuck that douchebag. I go to carolina and can tell you that that fuckhead has probably never seen a pussy. Don't let him represent the bro student body here. Most of us are true bros that don't give a shit about the female race unless they are passin out dome shots left and right.

I only lied to a bra at a party and told her I was from Alaska and lived next door to Sarah Palin lol. The fucking bra ate that shit up and was asking me all night about what it was like being next to her and how much she loved her....dumbass bra....no wonder bras have been sucking dick for so long because their so dumb and cant think.

That is some dank bro hater shit. This fucking girl scout needs to have his nuts cut off. He's just jealous that the bros stole his girlfriend and slammed the shit out of her, and every other girl at his fucking pathetic college. fuckin bro haters.

"I’m sure a few came to college simply to party, but most of us are here to get a degree and learn how to be responsible adults — so we don’t fall to pieces once we graduate or, even worse, have to move back in with our parents." ....or eventually become the 43rd president of the United States. Behind every man in power is a DUI getting coke snorting college kid that racked up 2 slampieces for every unit he passed. http://www.dailygamecock.com/viewpoints/egotistical-hedonistic-misogynistic-males-need-to-bro-out-1.1115291?firstComment=0

I too wrote that fucking pure bro-hater. He's the epitome of a pussy liberal bitch. I bet his girl's bush has more hair than a fucking neanderthal. He probably goes to church twice a week and drinks Smirnoff once a year. As for lying; Bros have mastered that shit. I once told a cop that my dad was a congressman and he let me off after I had smashed beer bottles all over this public basketball park.

I was thinking that for valentines day you should write about a true bro pasttime "Banging sluts with things that aren't your dick". A quality topic that should be reserved for a special occasion such as a slam piece invented bullshit holiday designed to get free food and jewelry out of bros.

As I read the bro hating sc kids article I quickly thought to myself he's obviously an Acacia spring ding who was molested by his stepdad. But then it hit me. Could it be that possibly he is an undercover bro lying to all other bros about not being a bro. Why lie to fellow bros u ask? To get fucking laid that's why. Clearly he is embracing the lying post and is going one step further. Lying bro acting like a pussy for some "respectful" girls handjob action..I salute you. True bro

No way...the kid "enjoys deep conversations", which translated, means "I like it deep in my ass".

All his other bro-hating offenses aside, there is one piece of evidence which makes him guilty beyond any reasonable doubt. Exhibit B:

"I’ve been dating the same wonderful girl for two years, which I am completely happy about."

Is this kid fucking serious? Two years??? I bet he hasn't even cheated on her and lied about it. What kind of bro hasn't ever tried the "I got hit in the neck with a paintball" excuse when caught red handed, only to get away with it (stupid slampieces).

Bottom line, if this douchebag even has a pair of testicles he deserves to be castrated and raped in prison for bro-hating of the first degree.

Lying is the shit. It's so fucking easy to lie to slam pieces....stupid sluts. Any party you go to just tell the fuckin stupid slam pieces that its your house, when it obviously isn't, and thats a guaranteed trip to Pound Town. Stupid sluts.

I am sorry anonymous, as great as that would be I find it hard to believe. There is a difference between lying and going back on the ground work of what makes a bro...a bro. No self-respecting bro could ever bring himself to slander his people like that. The daily gamecock bro-hater needs to get a good ass-kicking.

I think it should be a blog about how much Bros LOVE Valentines day.... And i'm not talking about the 'take one girl you've been dating out to a nice dinner' valentines day. I'm talking about the 'every single slam piece goes out drinking feeling inadequate with shattered self-esteem' valentines day.

my parents tried to fuckin tell me that they wouldnt give me any money unless i had a job...so for the past 5 years of college my parents have been feeding me cash thinking that im detailing cars...and what have i been doing...smoking and drinking everyday instead. Parents are fucking idiots

I am about to go do some serious lying to my rents about why I need more money. Lying comes natural to us bro (because we are the smartest people on the fucking planet). Like I would fucking tell my mom I blew 550 bucks at the bars in the two weeks back at school. Fuck that, obviously I just couldn't get any of my books used and had to fill up my gas tank 8 times because of all the driving I've been doing for community service. Of course they are going to buy that shit. Parents have no clue what the fuck is going on most of the time.

The F*ing hater is from Winston Salem, NC... near Wake Forest (major bro campus full of slam pieces), UNC, and Duke... all much better schools which he obviously couldn't get into. This DBag is obviously a jealous bro hater without any future and obviously belongs in his sorry ass visual communications major.

University of South Carolina? The REAL USC? Give me a fucking break! Let's see... would a bro rather go to school in South Carolina aka uglygirlville, or have their rich ass parents send them to school in LA, the land of #69 Fake Tits and dumb slam pieces who are so insecure because of #95 Models walking around everywhere that they're practically doing backflips just to put out? Yeah, you tell me which one sounds better. Fucking bro-hater. The University of Southern California is the real USC.

Lying to girls is should be the fucking 11th Commandment. My "go to" move is when you're about to slay some chick and for some reason the lights are off, and she asks you to throw on a condom, so you pull a dollar bill out of your pocket and crumple it so it sounds like a condom wrapper, then you take the chick down raw dog. And if you're a true bro, she'll be so in the zone that she won't even notice.

For those of you that have never heard of this move before, you're welcome.

too bad south carolina was here before faggy ass so cal. going to school in a state that allows fags to get married is most definitely NOT BRO i would go on to say that besides legal weed, california is probably the least bro state in the contiguous us. by the way that daily gamecock paper is an entire publication dedicated to bro hating. seriously. but as for university of so cal. the only thing bremotely cool about your school is the fact that yall are called the trojans, and that turtle goes there. i guess everyone at so cal is just a fat ass softy who never gets laid and dresses like timbaland.... oh and california is all new money. i.e. white trash with some pocket change.

great post. One of my bros was driving around at 2 in the morning on a ride on lawn mower faded and got stopped by the cops. he gave them the name of some loser he knew and they let him go because they could tell he was a huge bro.

So back in the day my bro Paul was visiting his first choice, Wake Forest. Naturally, because we're bros, we went to a prominent prep school so we have connections at all major ACC schools. So my bro Paul stays with a bro of ours who was senior at Wake at the time, and a clear figure head in his frat. Naturally the frat threw down while Paul was there, like they do for all D1 recruits. Anyways, Paul steals this slampiece from this bro-hater by telling her he was a junior at the University of Richmond and that their athletic center was donated by his father, needless to say she went down on him and took him back to her room. This chick wanted him to use protection so he lied about how he took a bad pitch to the boys the one day he wasn't wearing a cup at practice and was now permanently sterile. The chick was so sympathetic she got her roommate to go down on Paul as well, and then he slayed both of them at once. He was even nice enough to get their numbers and "call" them the next time he was in town. Thus living up to his title as one of the greatest bros to ever walk the streets of DC.

My favorite is when you go up to visit your older bro at his frat house during their Christmas party. Of course, I told my parents I was staying at my bros house just down the street, when magically, I found myself two and a half hours away sitting in my older bros futon with this hot ass slam piece. Of course the question arises "How old are you?" and "Are you in Sigma Chi?". Fucking of course I am and I am a junior duh you fucking bitch. When in all actuality, I am a senior in high school. Being WAY too drunk, I actually gave out my phone number..SHIT! She's been texting me shit like "party tonight? :)" and "Let's hang out again tonight! Last time was a lot of fun!" Fuck that shit bro.

Great shit. I remember my 3rd sophomore year at LSU, my parents were under the impression I was a senior, my girlfriend was under the impression that I was a senior (and that I loved her) all the while, I was slaying slam-babies left and right behind her back, collecting checks from parents, fratting it up hardcore on a nightly basis, getting slam fucking wasted, being a piece of shit AKA a fucking bro king, and basically just dominating life. I was even caught plagiarizing on my final exam by my bro-hating, bitch of a teacher. Googled some shit for whatever the fuck I was supposed to write on, and then naturally copied the entire first article that showed up and tried to pass it off as my own thoughts.

She tried to have me expelled, I had to meet the dean of the college, etc. And of course, much like I had lied to my girlfriend, slam babies, and parents, I lied to the dean as well. Told him I was having extreme emotional problems from a death in the family, and that I couldn't cope with them properly, and that it wasn't my fault.

He understood, let me go, and I was allowed to drop the course, even though the semester was already over.

too bad that didn't work in all of my other classes....a few weeks later I was back in Houston, done at LSU, girlfriend had finally wised up to the true piece of shit Bro King I am (it only too her 3 years...the dumb bitch)

and those 4 glorious, hedonistic months were completely worth it...wouldn't change a thing

In college, I happened to have the same last name as the Dean (was not actually related to him in any way). But I told slams at parties that I was his son. Why? Because every sorostitute has at least one class they are failing, and these dumb bitches thought that slurping my Bro Pole was a sure-fire way to get their grade successfully appealed. At least two of the slams I banged based on this lie thought that our fuck-sesh had saved their ass from expulsion, only to have their walking papers sent home to mom and dad at the end of the semester anyway. Man I would have loved to have seen the hysterical shitshow that ensued when those hoes arrived home that summer only to find two parents furiously wondering where the fuck their thirty grand went. Hahahaha.

Was it wrong of me to deceive them like this? Fuck no - if they didn't want to be lied to, they shouldn't have been born with two X chromosome. Bros will be lying to them their whole lives anyway - I'm just keeping the universe in order. Buyer beware, ladies.