TV news is too democratic these days. All these poll questions all the time. "Last night, four police officers were shot on Staten Island. Do YOU think this happened? 54% of you said no. 30% of you said Lindsay Lohan!"

CNN will even just read Twitter posts on the news now. Because where else would I go to get random opinions from the internet??? If random, anonymous opinions are news, I guess this will be coming soon to CNN: "Obama's Health Care Plan: Let's see what the bathroom graffiti at McElroy's Pub has to say about it."

Sometimes they'll have something that's not even news, it's just a cool visual. Like a car chase or a building demolition or panda bears. You can't just call something news because it's fun to look at. "Coming up at 11, the final screen of Donkey Kong. You haven't seen that before, right??? And then: Cats on skateboards, do they cause cancer? It's our next poll question."

Anyway, we all know what really matters when it comes to news: Teeth. Lots of teeth.