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Monday, 24 September 2012

Gaijin Tales: The brush-pass and accidental vandalism

Some of the stuff that happens to me is worth mentioning but not particularly meritorious of any drawn-out analysis or play-by-play. So, lifting the concept directly from Stupid Ugly Foreigner's Weekly Waygook, I present Gaijin Tales, a collection of vignettes from my life since I've arrived.

*

Coming down into the main part of
Kansai Airport after having been detained at Immigration, my white
face immediately identified me to an airport employee as the rightful
owner of a heretofore seemingly masterless suitcase. Minutes later, I
was all but tackled by the driver of a shuttle I was about to ride,
who tracked me down by the same method. When I arrived at the hotel,
the clerk behind the desk took one look at me and at once handed me
my room key, without asking for my name or even what I was there to
do.

*

The day of our arrival at the dorm, my
German roommate and I decided to take a walking tour of the
surrounding area. After a while, we started to notice that people
seemed to be breaking right whenever they saw us, rather than left as
they really should have been. You can kind of see the logic: White
people are American, Americans break right, and there you have it.

I've since decided that the only
solution was to aggressively position myself as far left as
physically possible at all times, staring down anyone who breaks
right as if daring them not to assimilate me into their culture.
Later I asked about this, and it turns out that people actually more
often pass each other on the right when they're walking, and then if
one of you is on a bicycle and one is ambulating all bets are off. I
don't even know any more.

*

Though this is my fourth time in Japan,
until now I had yet to encounter one of those mythical creatures who
refuse to be vanquished even when decapitated, the very possibility
of whose presence can strike
horror into the hearts of even the most stalwart. Yes, I opened my
bathroom door and discovered a cockroach, who quickly dived under the
cover of the sink cabinet and vanished into the darkness. The front
desk supplied me with an appropriate weapon to combat the beast, so
it may well be that it is now no more than a corpse. Then again, the
room is supposed to have been fumigated prior to my arrival, implying
that there is in fact an alternate entrance deep within. Perhaps it
lies in wait even now, preparing to mount a counterattack.

*

In perhaps my
unluckiest judgment call so far, I was walking behind a group of some
other international students and watched them turn right; know what,
I thought, screw that noise, and I went left. I ended up discovering
what seemed to be a mild forest path, but it took only two facefulls
of spider silk before I was hefting a stick, hacking at the air
anytime I passed between two trees. The spiders in this area are
massive, yellow, and terrifying, though they wisely flee from humans.
I figured that surely I was now closer to the exit than the entrance,
but my decision to continue forth merely delivered me into denser and
denser foliage. Desperate to escape, I emerged onto a sprawling
18-hole golf course, and I think I experienced every single one of
them by the time I was able to return to the road. I leaped onto the
footpath, startling an old granny waiting for the bus, who listened
to my story and was so amused she took my picture with her cell
phone.

*

I always attach my
housekeys to my wallet, which lately I've been keeping in my back
pocket.

Since new
foreigners have to get registered with the local Ward Office, we went
down in a group of ten or so. We walked in, reveling in the air
conditioning, trying to be quiet, and took our seats on the plush,
couch-like benches.

“I just punched
two holes in the seat with my keys,” I announced.

*

And that's it. If enough stupid things happen to me quickly enough, I may turn this into a running series. Here's hoping my dumbassery continues to draw me into ever more facepalm-worthy adventures.

2 comments:

The break right/left thing confused the hell out of me too. I never knew which way I should go. Some moved to the left, and others to the right. Which way would they move if I was Japanese? haha... never was really sure...

About Me

I've been studying Japanese language and culture since 2004 and have twice studied abroad to Kyouto. Veterans can enjoy my pratfalls, and newcomers should be able to gain some insight into life here. Maybe.