Lack of resources leaves women vulnerable to sexual assault, violence

Kelly Deveau is with her daughter Madison, 10, at their Dartmouth home. Deveau was in an abusive relationship for almost seven years and was able to leave with her children with help from a shelter. Deveau is enrolled at Nova Scotia Community College.

Editor's Note: Thousands of Nova Scotians face daily challenges keeping a roof over their heads and food on the table, let alone living a safe and rewarding life.

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In speaking about the seven years of abuse she endured at the hands of her common-law husband, Kelly Deveau harks back to her childhood in Kentville.

“I didn’t know what a healthy relationship looks like,” Deveau said in a recent interview. “I never experienced it as a child. . . . My mum was a single mum and she was in and out of relationships. . . . It was a poverty situation, raising two kids on her own.

“So (now) I was in a relationship and I think I just made that commitment to myself, just make it work. This is the father of my three kids.”

The violence began five years into their relationship. Her husband was an alcoholic and she didn’t trust him to look after the children, deepening her isolation.

The first big step

The breaking point came 10 days before Christmas in 2015. Deveau left her Dartmouth home with her children (who are now three, 10 and 13) for Alice Housing, which provides safe housing and supportive counselling to women and children leaving domestic abuse.

Deveau said her sister, who is a social worker, had heard a presentation from an Alice Housing counsellor.

“She’d mentioned it to me and being in that kind of situation, where I was feeling so low and I didn’t know where to turn, I thought I would go in to speak to them. . . . So in just a matter of a few days, I was out of the house and with them.”

From a transitional setting, Deveau and her children were given longer-term accommodation called second-stage housing, and extensive counselling. The family left Alice Housing just last month.

Hoping for a day that never comes

Reflecting on her mindset during the abusive relationship, Deveau, 37, spoke about the fear of striking out on her own with three children and the effect of her husband’s dominating personality.

“He was the one who actually got me a job at his work so he was my boss,” she said. “Then I became pregnant and he said, ‘Now just stay home with the kids.’ It was a very controlling situation. . .

“You try to hope things will get better even when they say, ‘Oh, it’ll be better, you know,’ and you just always hope for that. . . . And it never did get better.”

It’s an all too common scenario, said Paulette Senior, president and CEO of the Canadian Women’s Foundation. While women of all backgrounds are susceptible to spousal violence, those who lack resources are particularly vulnerable.

“I think we’ve learned over the past few months with everything that’s coming to light (such as the Weinstein case) that the issue of sexual assault and violence against women can happen to anyone, that’s one thing,” Senior said in a recent phone interview from Toronto.

She spoke to media this month ahead of the Dec. 6 anniversary of the shooting deaths of 14 women at Ecole Polytechnique in Montreal in 1989.

“All women are vulnerable to these issues, particularly if they’re working hard at creating a career and trying to keep their careers going. . . . Women with means and resources and education and power are also susceptible.

“So imagine how susceptible it is for a woman who doesn’t have those kind of resources who are trapped in situations, whether that be (through) poverty or lack of education, how vulnerable they are to being exploited.”

When home isn't safe

Senior herself left a marriage “that wasn’t working” and lifted herself out of poverty to become a prominent community leader after graduating from York University. Before joining the Canadian Women’s Foundation, she was CEO of YMCA Canada for 10 years.

She credits access to social assistance, free child care and the support of family.

“I grew up in a very stable environment but I realized that how quickly being divorced and becoming a single mom (could have) sent my life in a completely different direction. I would say the most important thing that kept me going was having the support of my family and friends.”

Deveau said it’s sometimes helpful to look outside your immediate circle for help in order to get an objective opinion.

“I think it’s just to confide in someone, even if it’s your doctor or your neighbour, just somebody, because sometimes you don’t always want to trust what your family says.”

Two years after that December day when she took the first step in reclaiming her life, Deveau is now in a “happy, healthy relationship.” A year ago she enrolled in a two-year welding course at the Nova Scotia Community College, with the assurance from Irving Shipyard that she’ll have a job after graduation.

She was always interested in welding but had been put off by people who said it wasn’t a job for a woman.

After getting a chance to pick up a torch, “it just felt very empowering and I think (it reflected how) I was empowering myself in my life choices.”