HEADLINE – NASA DEVELOPING MENU FOR MARS MISSION

NASA recently revealed for the first time that NASA is working on a menu for a mission to Mars (the “Red Planet”) envisioned for “sometime in the 2030’s.”

NASA’s Director of Space Food Science, Reginald Quince, agreed to discuss this exciting news with PEOPLE OF EARTH.

Reginald Quince

PEOPLE OF EARTH: Director Quince, thank you for agreeing to speak with us today to discuss this new Mars menu that NASA recently announced.

REGINALD QUINCE: No, thank you for the opportunity to let the world know about the amazing work we are doing to make sure that the first people on Mars have the very best food available to celebrate their great achievement.

POE: I don’t want to misrepresent the reach of this forum. My blog is somewhat exclusively read.

QUINCE: How exclusive?

POE: If this interview is read at all, it will be read primarily by people in Australia, New Zealand and isolated rural parts of the Orkney Islands.

QUINCE: I was under the impression that your blog communicated to all of the people of earth.

POE: Theoretically yes, but in practice, unfortunately not.

QUINCE: Well…. I’m here, we might as well talk.

POE: Thank you.

QUINCE: Better than nothing.

POE: Well let’s get right to it. Tell me more about this menu NASA has announced.

QUINCE: My pleasure, Paul. After months and months of meetings and reading endless positions papers, it was finally decided that it will be a tasting menu.

POE: Tasting menu?

QUINCE: Yes! NASA has worked diligently to create the finest, most flavorful dishes made from the best ingredients from around the world paired with the perfect wines!

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POE: Aren’t you putting the cart before the horse?

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QUINCE: If by that you mean have we put the cart of culinary excellence before the horse of gastronomical delight, then yes, that is what we did, what we are doing and what we are striving to achieve!!

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POE: Let me approach this problem from a different direction. Before you start spending money to plan what astronauts on Mars will be eating, don’t you think you first have to figure out how to get there and how to pay for it?

[At that point, Director Quince left our recording studios and would not return our calls.]

Snail porridge despite its deliciousness has one fatal flaw. It would attract predators of snails. Huge fuck off alien space lizards love snails. Did NASA consider that? Alien space lizards hunting down the brave astronauts? Huh? Did they? The whole thing is doomed from the off.