It all started the day I got my first Pokémon. Like everyone else, I had been eagerly anticipating this special day, which is strange, because I’m 20. Most kids get their first Pokémon at 10, doncha know.

Once I rolled off my bed, I changed out of my pajamas and got dressed like a normal person. I put on a grey T-shirt and blue jeans, then donned my long, blue cape, tying it around my neck. In my defense, I’m not the only person who feels the need to look like a walking spectacle. There are other trainers, such as Jugglers, who regularly flood their heads with hair gel and spike it, then wear black vests and stand on street corners, entertaining whoever wanders by and feels like giving them a nickel. There are also Hex Maniacs, who wear purple robes and inject coffee beans into their veins, making them look like they’re trying to understand the plot to Turkish Star Wars. My cape-wearing ways look modest by comparison. And smug.

Now then, once I was dressed, I wandered down the stairs to the living room, because our house has only two rooms. Mind you, there was a divider in there, separating it from the kitchen, but that’s it. The architects aren’t fooling anyone. Mum was sitting at a table, staring at nothing. Being the wonderful child I am, I told her I was on my way to do stuff.

“Right. All boys leave home some day. It said so on TV. PROFESSOR OAK, next door, is waiting for you.”

I asked, ‘Why did you tell Professor Oak’s name?”

Mum shrugged. “I’m not sure, but I did. I think his grandson, Dicks, is there as well. What an awful name for a child.”

“Indeed,” I replied. “Well, I should be on my way. I’m sure Oak’s getting impatient.”

“Be sure to come back and show me the adorable little thing!” Mum said. I nodded, and walked out the door.

Pallet Town is basically a square, and is quite small. I think the population is slightly over 50. It’s really tight-nit, and everyone knows each other pretty well. To the town’s north is Route 1, which connects Pallet Town to Viridian City, and to the south is a lake that leads to Cinnabar Island. To the east and west of town are colossal fields of grass, blocked off by three-foot tall white cylinders. Clearly, these are the barricades to end all barricades.

I headed south to Professor Oak’s lab, which was a stone’s throw away. Instead of simply opening the door like a normal person, I instead walked right into it, nudging it open with my body. I walked across the hardwood floor, moving between the two bookcases on either side of the wall, to the back of the lab. There was a table with three Poké Balls on it and another table against a wall, with two PokéDexes on top. Dicks was there too; he was wearing a purple shirt and blue pants, with brown boots on his feet.

“Hi, Dicks,” I greeted him.

“Hey, Bert,” he replied.

I looked around the lab, but saw no sign of Professor Oak.

“Where’s the Professor?” I asked.

Dicks shrugged and replied, “No idea. For some reason, I haven’t even thought of moving and going to look for him. I’ve been here for the last six hours, just standing in this spot.”

“Sounds intolerable,” I said.

“It is. I really have to pee.”

Not wanting to take this conversation any further, I turned 360 degrees and moonwalked out of the lab, tripping over the small, white fence that was just outside the building. It didn’t hurt, but it was aggravating to know that it was the twentieth time it had happened. After picking myself up, I looked around, but there was still no sign of Professor Oak. I did, however, see some fatass wandering around, mumbling to himself. I made the horrible mistake of making eye contact with him, because once he did, he sauntered over to talk to me.

“Today’s technology is incredible! You can send emails to anyone in the world!” he sputtered, looking at me with his cold, dead eyes.

“How fascinating,” I said, uninterested. “Maybe you should go tell that hungry Entei over there,” I replied, pointing behind him.

“What’re you talking about? Entei don’t live around here. If you were up with today’s newest technology, you’d know that!” He exclaimed.

I continued to point. “No, really. There’s an Entei in that long grass field over there.”

He continued to look at me with that uncomfortable stare, but he eventually gave up and decided to look behind him. There was indeed that familiar lion-like Pokémon, walking around.

“HOLY s**t AND ENTEI I GOTTA TOUCH IT!” he blurted, running over to meet the legendary beast. Doing what I thought would be impossible (for him, anyway), he jumped over the cylinders and into the grass field.

And then he froze in place. It was as if someone had pushed the stop button on him. Entei looked mildly curious, but before the masked cat could eat the walking tub of lard, he fell through the ground. For no particular reason, he fell. Initially, I thought he had just tipped over and was lying face-flat on the ground, but nope; when I went over to look, he was gone. Vanished. There was no sign of the floor caving in, no sign of foul play, nothing. He just disappeared.

“Whaddya think happened to him?” I asked Entei.

“Arf!” it barked, and then went galloping on its merry way to beat up hippies.

Feeling vaguely distressed, I decided to take a walk, making tracks for Route 1. As I stepped into the tall grass, I was stopped by a familiar sounding, elderly voice.

“Hey! Wait! Don’t go out!”

I turned around and saw Professor Oak approaching me.

“Where did you come from?” I asked.

“Wild Pokémon live in tall grass! It’s dangerous to go out if you don’t have a Pokémon of your own!” Way to completely ignore my question. “I know! Here, come with me!”

Oak grabbed my wrist and dragged me back to his lab, taking me to the back of it, where the Poké Balls and ‘Dexes were. Dicks was still there, surprisingly.

“Gramps! I’m fed up with waiting!” Dicks said. Oaks seemed only mildly concerned about what his grandson said.

“Dicks? Why are you here? I told you to come by earlier… Ah, well, whatever. Bert! Do you see those three things on the table?”

The blue beam retreated and a loud buzzing noise erupted from the ‘Dex, and it picked a hell of a time to imitate Jeff Goldblum. It was as if someone had dropped a GameBoy with a cartridge in it, and the game froze. Oak quickly closed it.

“Well, at least it’s not MissingNo,” Oak commented.

“MissingNo?” I asked.

“Yes, MissingNo. It’s a glitch Pokémon, or a ‘Glitchmon,’ as some call it. Nobody’s really sure where it came from. Some think it’s a failed Ditto or Porygon clone, some think it’s just some kind of anomaly that took sentience. A theory based off of that theory pertains that it’s some leftover DNA from a Deoxys that came to life,” he delivered with exposition. “What is known is that MissingNo is very dangerous. It can corrupt your Hall of Fame data, and give you a couple hundred of an arbitrarily numbered item.”

I took the brunt of his explanation and replied, “Jesus Christ, how… Not horrifying, like, at all.”

While we talked, the Glitchmon shuffled its pixels about, as if it was listening to the conversation. A few moments passed, and I asked Oak what we should do with it.

“There’s only one thing we can do: Destroy it at all costs,” he hastily said. I’m not sure how much of our conversation it understood, but it definitely understood that, since it hid behind my leg.

“Aww, lookit what you did! You scared the poor thing,” I said. I bent down to talk to it. “You’re not dangerous, are you?”

To our surprise, it spoke. “Bzzt,” it said. The buzz was a low, mechanical hum. I had no idea what it said, or if it meant anything. And then, it changed shape.

The pixels shifted around and the Glitchmon became a vaguely draconian creature, gaining two, arrow-shaped heads. There were no eyes, or any facial features for that matter. Its hands were disembodied and floated at its sides, and it had a snake-like torso. Off its back hung what looked like a multi-tailed cape, but more natural, unlike the one I was wearing. Its size changed too, becoming five feet tall, maybe a little taller. There were no legs, and it continued to float.

“Did it just change shape?” Dicks asked, apparently having paid little to no attention to the situation and conversation at hand. The Glitchmon then looked up at me and said:

“Master? Bzzt.”

The buzz, and its voice, was still a mechanical hum. It mattered not; the way it addressed me melted my heart, and it was quite obvious.

“Bert, do you really want it? It won’t be an actual Pokémon,” Oak said.

“Yeah, I do. I totally want it,” I replied.

Oak seemed hesitant at first, but said, “All right, that Glitchmon is yours. Do you, uh, want to nickname it?”

I looked at the Glitchmon, and then said, “Yeah, let’s nickname it!”

Oak asked me what its name should be. After several milliseconds of careful consideration, I had finally come up with the most mind-blowingly original name in the history of everything; a name so fantastic, minstrels would become a thing again, and write songs about my unlimited creativity.

“Glitchy.”

The Professor gave me a look of derision. “Seriously? ‘Glitchy?’ That’s the shittiest nickname I’ve ever heard. It’s as bad as nicknaming a fire-type Pokémon ‘Blaze’ or ‘Inferno,’ or nicknaming a dragon-type Pokémon ‘Drake’ or ‘Drago,’ or nicknaming a poison-type Pokémon ‘Sludgy’ or ‘Tara Reid.’ Are you sure that’s the nickname you want?”

“Yes!” I replied.

Oak replied, “Fine. From now on, this Glitchmon’s nickname is… Glitchy. Seriously, are you sure you don’t want to give it a name that’s not retarded?”

“The nickname will be temporary, until I find out more about it and its species.”

With that over, the Professor and I shook hands and I thanked him for his generosity, heading back to Pallet Town. Not too long after leaving the lab, Dicks stormed out behind me.

I've attached a really crude MS Paint drawing of Glitchy, to give the basic idea of what it looks like.

Chapter 3: On the Road Again But Not Really“So, it’s a battle you want, eh?” I asked Dicks.

“Uh, yeah, I just said that.” He grabbed the Poké Ball off his belt and threw it, releasing a Squirtle he had probably hastily chosen. I released Glitchy, who seemed a little disoriented. His heads darted around, observing his surroundings. It didn’t look like he recognized where he was, but his head movements gave me the impression that he thought the area was fascinating.

He turned his attention to the blue turtle, giving it a blank stare. Squirtle had a curious gaze, but I can’t say I blame it. Dicks didn’t give a damn, though.

“Squirtle! Tackle it!”

It charged for Glitchy, arms spread, as if it were a wrestler. I wasn’t really sure what to do, so I decided to see what Squirtle’s attack did. Instead of knocking it to the floor, the baby turtle ran through Glitchy’s form, scattering some pixels about. Stopping dead in its tracks, Dicks’ Pokémon stared at the glitch, flabbergasted.

“How ‘bout that,” I commented at the sight. Squirtle rushed back to his trainer. Now, it was my turn to attack. Since I didn’t know what attacks Glitchy had, I decided to go with an obvious attack choice.

“Glitchy, use Hyper Beam!”

Nothing happened. Glitchy turned around and gave me a look as if to say, “What the f**k?”

Okay, maybe that was a little unreasonable. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he did know Hyper Beam, though.

“Uh… Tackle it?”

Still, the Glitchmon did nothing. Growing impatient, Dicks gave another command.

“Squirtle, try tackling it again!” I don’t know why he thought this would work, but I didn’t want to take any chances.

“Try punching it in the face.”

When Squirtle was close enough, Glitchy wound up his left fist and threw it at Squirtle, hitting him right in the face. Whap! The attack was so powerful, Squirtle was sending hurdling back to Dicks, crashing into him and knocking him onto his back.

He stood up and declared, “Squirtle! Growl at it to lower its attack capabilities!”

There was no response from his partner, who was lying on the ground in a defeated heap. Dicks returned Squirtle to its Poké Ball.

“Looks like you owe me eighty bucks,” I teased.

Dicks reached into his pocket and handed me the cash, scowling as he did so.

“You only won because of a technicality,” he grumbled.

“Tell that to your money,” I sneered. I returned Glitchy to his Poké Ball, but he just came right back out.

I asked Glitchy if he hates Poké Balls, and he nodded. I latched it back on to my belt, and decided to introduce Glitchy to mom. We headed back to my house, and, unsurprisingly, Mum was still watching TV. She jumped in her seat when she saw the glitch hydra.

“What the hell is that?!” Mum asked.

“It’s Glitchy! I got him from Professor Oak,” I replied.

“You couldn’t have a Charmander or a Squirtle or a Bulbasaur like a normal child, could you?”

I explained that Glitchy was harmless, but that did nothing to calm her nerves. Her pet Delcatty hissing at it didn’t help matters, either.

“So, uh, what does that thing do?” Mum asked.

I explained, “Uh, well, he can float. And punch things in the face. And he has this cape, but I don’t know if it does anything.”

Mum continued to look at the Glitchmon, wary of its existence. Glitchy wasn’t really doing anything other than floating at my side, but he was looking around the room, like he did outside.

“So, what’re you going to do now?” Mum asked.

“Glitchy and I are gonna go on a wacky adventure!” I replied.

“Even though I should be worried, for some reason, I’m not. My intuition tells me that you’ll be able to handle yourself just fine. Have fun!”

I gave Mum a hug before leaving the house. Glitchy and I headed back to Route 1, but gave Pallet Town one final look before our venture. I’ll miss it; I really will. There was already a sense of homesickness as I stood at the border between the town and the road. But I turned away and headed to Route 1, beginning the journey.

My Glitchmon and I ventured down the road, excited about going on a journey. As we ran and jogged and jumped through the long grass, we were abruptly stopped when I bumped into an insurmountable waist-high ledge. Upon bumping into it, I was knocked onto my ass from the impact and shock. I shook my head like some sort of cartoon character and looked at the barricade, looking at the marvelous slope that dared to block my way.

“One day, we’ll be able to jump over these three-foot high ledges. One day,” I said.

But there was no stopping us, nay! We headed left, walking around the slope and continuing north to our next destination. Along the way, I saw some guy in a white apron standing around, doing nothing in particular. But the minute he saw me, he rushed over to talk to me, like that fat f**k in Pallet Town.

“Hi! I work at a Poké Mart!” he said casually. “Recently, we’ve started selling Potions. Here, I’ll give you one!”

He reached into the apron’s pocket and handed me a spray bottle with red fluid in it. I wasn’t really sure what to do with it, so I asked him what it is, and what it does. Now giddy as a ninny, he reached into the pocket again and pulled out a Poké Ball, releasing a Girafarig.

“Girafarig, go kick that Rattata in the head,” and the giraffe galloped over to a familiar purple rodent and did exactly that. Thwack! The strike was so strong, Rattata was knocked out instantly and it slumped to the ground. The clerk snatched the bottle out of my hand and rushed over to the defeated rat, kneeling beside it.

“Now, watch what happens when I spray it with this potion!” He said. The clerk pushed the bottle’s trigger and sprayed Rattata, but nothing happened. After a few more attempts at reviving the rat, he gave up, stood up, and huffed.

“I’m really not impressed. That was the worst sales pitch I’ve ever seen,” I commented.

Glitchy and I were thoroughly unimpressed with his presentations. I was going to put in a word for him and make sure he gets fired.

“Right, uh, we’ll just be on our way,” I said.

“No! Wait! I have some more crap to show you! I don’t know if it’ll work or not, but, hey! That’s the fun in being a clerk!”

I paid him no attention and walked past him, heading to Viridian City. There was a gap in one of those ledges, giving me an entrance. It was the only way to get into the city if you were heading north. Nevertheless, I’d made some progress on our journey to become the most kickass Pokémon trainer, and this was a good place to start.

Chapter 4: Jumpin’ the Gun (With Exposition)Viridian City was a quaint city, a greenish-blue color. It was bigger than Pallet Town, geographically. And in population, too, but by maybe ten or twenty people. The first thing most notice when entering the city is the Pokémon Center, which was at the front of the city. The road continued north, which would lead to Viridian Forest. Left, on the other hand, leads to the Indigo Plateau.

However, neither of those things were why I was here. At the northeast corner of the town was a Gym, the first of many I’d face to become the champion. Before we could go to the Gym, I felt an urge to go to the Pokémon Mart, which neighbored the Center. We walked over and entered the store; it was rather small. There was a single checkout station left of the entrance, and shelves stocked full of random crap and knick-knacks, such as Potions, Poké Balls, and Antidotes. The moment I stepped into the building, the clerk accosted me.

“Hi!” He greeted. “Did you come from Pallet Town?”

I walked over and replied, “Yes, actually. Why?”

He reached underneath the counter and pulled out a small, brown box, placing it on the counter.

“I have this parcel for Professor Oak. Can you deliver it to him?”

“Sure, I guess. Can I buy some stuff first?”

“Go ahead!” The clerk replied. I headed over to the shelf at the back of the store and looked at the merchandise. I wasn’t really sure what to grab, so I snagged a couple of Potions and returned to the counter.

“That’ll be twenty bucks,” He said. I pulled out my wallet from my pants pocket and handed him the money, and he put the Potions and the parcel in a plastic bag. When we left the store, Glitchy and I made tracks for Pallet Town. Along the way there, I heard the most frightening sound:

A gunshot. A very loud, very close gunshot.

BLAM! It sounded like it was right behind me. After the short, yet dynamic noise, I heard what sounded like someone dropping beads on a hardwood floor. Fearing the worst, I quickly turned around.

There was a homeless man standing in front of Glitchy with a two-barreled shotgun. His hair was grey and shaggy, and the only thing that looked new on him was his brown sports jacket. The pants he had on were torn and had holes in them, and he wasn’t even wearing shoes. I could only guess that any money he had was spent on that gun he used to blow my Glitchmon’s brains out. I saw dozens of Glitchy’s pixels scattered on the ground, and it seemed that my fear had become a reality. There was a large hole in the middle of Glitchy’s torso, but he was still floating, as if to defy and mock this lunatic.

At that point, the pixels reattached themselves to Glitchy, filling the once-prominent hole. The gunman looked in horror, unable to comprehend what just happened.

“Hey! Who the f**k are you, and why did you shoot Glitchy?” I asked.

“Kid! Get out of here! Save yourself while you still can!” He demanded, but I didn’t move. He cocked the gun and prepared to shoot Glitchy again, but there was no way in Hell I was going to let that happen.

“Glitchy! Take his gun!”

My Glitchmon’s hands rushed and grabbed the barrels of the gun, and yanked it away from him. I would’ve thought that the barrel would be hot enough to burn him, but Glitchy didn’t even flinch. Maybe he couldn’t feel the steel and the warmth it would give off.

“Yes, master. Bzzt,” Glitchy hummed. It held the gun at each end and snapped it half with ease, rendering it useless. Then, it threw the gun over the white cylinders to his right, tossing the gun into the forbidden grass patch. The gunman watched in despair as his precious shotgun was taken away from him, and I swear, he looked like he was on the verge of crying.

He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a Great Ball. After pushing the white button on its center, it opened and released an Armaldo. The dinosaur-like creature banged the black claws on its hands together, as if it was challenging us to a fight.

“If you think I’m going to let another Glitchmon out of my sight, you’re dead wrong!” He declared. “Armaldo! Use False Swipe!”

The Pokémon raised its right claw high above its head, and rushed for Glitchy. It leapt high into the air and prepared to attack, but before it could land, Glitchy shuffled back. Armaldo’s claw was dug into the ground as a result. I’m not sure if it was a joke of if the claw was actually stuck, but Armaldo seemed to have some trouble getting it out. It tugged on its arm, but to no avail. Now, Glitchy had a chance to attack!

“Pick it up and throw it!” I ordered. My Glitchmon floated over and hurriedly picked up Armaldo, much to its horror. Then, Glitchy weakly tossed it back to the gunman, landing at his feet. However, Armaldo wasted no time getting back up. It was obvious these two had known each other for quite some time.

Armaldo roared at the sight of Glitchy, who, much like when he was shot gave no response. I wasn’t sure if there was more to it that meets the eye; for all I know, Glitchy might be a master of snark given the way he was reacting to these two.

I was waiting for the homeless guy to give an order, but he just looked at the pixels that dared to defy him, and also at me, the one who dared to not shoot it in the face. His face was blank, like he was trying to understand why he was losing this fight.

“If you aren’t gonna give an order, I’ll just leave,” I said. Once I turned away, I heard the familiar “Bwawk!” sound a Poké Ball makes when it’s catching or releasing something. I looked over to see that Glitchy was gone, and the gunman was holding a regular Poké Ball. Had he stolen my Glitchmon from me?

“Haha!” He laughed. “I have your Glitchmon, now! There’s no way that you’re ever gonna get it back!”

At that moment, as if it was some form of divine intervention, the Poké Ball opened. Glitchy, in what I’d consider the grandest act of “f**k you, I won’t do what you tell me!” popped out of the Poké Ball and returned to me. The gunman had a look of pure, unadulterated rage on his face. Basically, it looked like his face was gonna explode.

“Congratulations, you’ve made an ass of yourself,” I said. “Now, can I got deliver this parcel to Professor Oak now?”

“NO!” He screamed. “Your Glitchmon is mine! I had it! I HAD IT! Armaldo! Guillotine! Kill that thing!”

Armaldo’s claws began to glow a pure, blinding white, and prepared to strike Glitchy down with all its hatred. Long before he could even law the tip of the claw on the pixilated hydra, Glitchy’s cape spread open and took the form of large, black, demonic wings! Armaldo came to a screeching halt, staring deep into the abyss the cape seemed to possess.

“Hey! I said kill it!” The gunman declared. Armaldo didn’t respond; it continued to look at Glitchy, mesmerized by whatever it was seeing. Realizing that there was no point in trying to continue fighting, the lunatic returned Armaldo to its Poké Ball. Glitchy returned its wings back to its cape form.

“So, are we done now?” I asked, furious at that grand waste of time. “Because I’d really like to go do something else.”

“I’ve never had such a problem with other Glitchmon,” the gunman said to no one in particular. “How could it defy me?”

“Have you considered the fact that, I dunno, maybe Glitchy trusts me?” I asked.

Something in the gunman’s brain snapped. He glanced at the two of us, looking almost enlightened, yet offended, at what I said.

“Trusts you? Trusts you? What purpose could that thing serve you? For that matter, what purpose do you serve it? For what reason would anyone be friends with a Glitch?” He asked.

Talk about fantastic racism. Although I didn’t want to, I decided to engage him in this argument. “Why shouldn’t Glitchy trust me? I’m not going to try and shoot him, or anything. What’s the difference between my Glitchmon and your Armaldo? Just because they’re different, doesn’t mean they’re evil,” I filibustered. “Which reminds me, why did you try to blow Glitchy’s brains out?”

Madman McGee took a presumptuous tone. “Because, young lad, Glitchmon are a threat to mankind. They are the result of man tinkering with things that were not meant to be tinkered with. And as the result of such ignorance, we were given the most dangerous Glitchmon of all: MissingNo.”

“MissingNo? You mean that thing that makes the Hall of Fame its b***h and gives you a bunch of items?” I asked, eager to prove him wrong.

“I see, you’re as ignorant as the rest of them,” he replied. Glitchy hissed at his words. At least, that’s what it sounded like. It was a very low, mechanical hissing sound. “As I was saying: MissingNo is the reason your precious Four Dot-Dot exists. When MissingNo was born, it birthed several other Glitchmon in a very short and alarming amount of time. Among them was its brother, M, who is just as, if not more, dangerous.”

While I’m not one for gratuitous exposition, I found his explanation interesting. Either way, my question wasn’t answered.

“So, what exactly makes Glitchmon so dangerous? You’ve only told me they’re a threat, not why.”

“Glitchmon are dangerous because of their behavior. While MissingNo is largely benevolent, it is still the reason they exist. M has been known to completely corrupt PC’s and computers, infecting their hard drives until they’re unusable and unrecoverable. One of them has been playing a horrible, yet mesmerizing song since it was born. Supposedly, anyone who falls victim to its music becomes its permanent audience, becoming unable to move or die.”

What an interesting little tale. It meant nothing to me, though. As far as I could tell, Glitchy was completely harmless. I couldn’t form an opinion of my own based on his paranoia-fueled rant and my experience with just one Glitchmon. While it’s possible that other Glitchmon were a threat, there was no actual evidence for me to use. Nonetheless, his knowledge (assuming it was true) was stellar.

Chapter 5: Another Half-Assed Fight SceneSmitty’s “Nice to meet you!” was a little ironic considering he insulted my Glitchmon and I just moments ago. At least he seemed to have calmed down. And I had completely forgotten about the thing I was supposed to deliver to Oak. I was wondering why I was on the route once our little meet and greet was over. The parcel had disappeared into hammerspace and was probably destined to be forgotten forever until I sat on it.

I headed back to Viridian City and contemplated which path to go. While heading north seemed logical since the Gym was in that direction, I thought it would be a good idea to get some more training in. Route 22 was vaguely mountainous, and felt a little disjointed. There was a single grass patch that was almost boxed in by more of those damn white cylinders, but you could get in and out of it okay. Beyond the grass was a road that veered left to the Plateau. As I ventured down the not-quite-yellow brick road, I encountered Dicks. He was just standing around, but he seemed happy to see me.

“Hey, Bert! How’ve you been?” He asked. “I haven’t seen you in a while!”

“Dicks, it’s been an hour and a half. Are you really that lonely?”

“Oh, shush. Hey, why’s that homeless Metallica fan following you?”

“This is Smitty. He’s a Glitchmon hunter,” I replied.

“Howdy,” Smitty said.

“Err, hi,” Dicks replied. “So, Bert, wanna battle?”

I groaned. I really, really didn’t want to battle him again. The previous chapters both had fight scenes. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with works that are dominated by scenes of people beating the tar out of each other; movies like Turkish Star Wars and Undefeatable are about 89 minutes of fights and 1 minute of plot. They’re both amazing movies, and Turkish Star Wars is, hands-down, the most amazing movie made in the history of everything. Its brutal honesty makes Citizen Kane look like one of Joan Rivers’ many botched plastic surgery operations. It is that stellar.

Where was I? Oh! That’s right. I was about to tell Dicks to go hump a stump or something equally childish.

“No, Dicks, you tool. I don’t want to battle you again. Why don’t you just go hump a stump instead?” I really wish my insult was more creative, but oh well. If the nickname I gave my Glitchmon was any indication, I’m not a particularly creative person.

“No need to be so hostile,” Dicks replied. “But, since we’re here, what’re you and Hobo McHomeless up to?”

“Well, I’m off to go challenge the Viridian City Gym. I’m not sure why Smitty’s following me.”

“Oh, the Gym? It’s closed. I tried going in, but it was locked and the place looks abandoned,” Dicks explained.

“Huh. That sucks,” I said.

“Yes, that sucks. Bzzt,” Glitchy said. Did he just say something that could be considered a sentence? Granted, he was copying me, but still! It seems there was some growth on his part. Fascinating!

At that point, just to get the plot moving, we heard a very loud anguished roar coming from Viridian City. We instinctively turned around to see what the all hubbub was about, and headed back to the square.

It was a curious sight; A Salamence – truly one of the most impressive dragon Pokémon in the world – was fighting a Charizard. There was something peculiar about this Charizard, though. Parts of its body were covered in pixels. The flame at the end of its tail, its elbows, and parts of its horns were red pixels instead of flesh and bone. Even its eyes were pixilated, giving it a demented, hollow stare. I would guess that the battle had just started; neither of them had any scratches or bruises. Salamence wasn’t please to see this glitched Charizard at all; the blue beast was having difficulty fighting off the urge to rip it to shreds.

Salamence’s Trainer was quite the piece of work; long, flowing black hair and piercing green eyes. She was a bit taller than I am, but that’s not much considering a towering and intimidating-to-absolutely-nobody 5’2’. Maybe she was 5’5” or so. What I’m trying to get at is, she was hot. And by the looks of her Salamence, she was a hell of a Pokémon Trainer, too.

“Oh, f**k,” Smitty uttered.

“What? What the f**k is that thing, Smitty?” I asked.

He explained, “That thing is Charizard M. Despite your protests about Glitchy, this Glitchmon is a hell of a menace.”

“Pray tell, what does Charizard M do?”

“For one thing,” Smitty began,” It gleefully turns any Pokémon stored in the PC into another Charizard M. These Charizard M then repeat the process indefinitely. It’s one of the Glitchmon I’ve been hunting since I learned about them.”

Salamence gave a mighty flap of its crimson crescent wings and flew up, and Charizard M wasted no time going after it. When the glitched dragon was at point blank range, Salamence’s trainer ordered, “Hydro Pump!”

The dragon unleashed a torrent of water from its mouth; the attack was like the water equivalent of Hyper Beam. The water spiraled around like a helix and collided with Charizard M’s chest, pushing it away from the blue dragon. Unfortunately, Salamence couldn’t keep the attack going forever. The moment it relented, Charizard M roared. Similar to Glitchy’s speaking voice, it was highly mechanical and distorted, but this didn’t make it any less terrifying.

Now that it had an opening, the glitched dragon blazed for Salamence. As it was recovering, it was tackled out of the air and to the ground, creating a small crater from the impact. Charizard M sunk its teeth in Salamence’s neck like a vampire, but instead of sucking blood, it was pumping what I could only assume was glitched blood into its veins. Salamence roared in hatred and was thrashing about, trying to dispatch of Charizard M with its tail, but it was hopeless. The dragon’s trainer was despairing over the scene; much like Smitty and his Armaldo, it was obvious that the duo had known each other for a long time.

“Yes, master! Bzzt.” Glitchy darted over and shoved Charizard M into the side of a house, freeing Salamence. It was a hefty shove, but Glitchy succeeded in his task. Once the dragon’s back hit the wall, it retaliated taking a swipe at my Glitchmon with its claws; although it scattered dozens of his pixels, nothing else happened. Immediately after, Charizard M attacked with Flamethrower. A blast of fire, both normal and pixilated, erupted from its mouth and sent Glitchy hurdling into a tree. This was the first time I’d ever seen something actually harm him. Every other time, he just laughed at them when their pitiful attacks failed to do anything. Maybe he could only be hurt by other Glitchmon?

Thwack! Glitchy’s impact with the tree was pretty brutal one; bark snapped when he crashed into the trunk and he slumped to the ground.

“Iron Tail!” Salamence’s trainer ordered. Its tail became coated in metal and shone in the bright sun. Charizard M turned around and was whapped in the face by Salamence’s tail, sending it stumbling back. A slight “clang!” occurred when Salamence’s attack landed. Charizard M wasn’t incapacitated for long, because it soon recovered and lunged for Salamence. It grabbed the dragon and flew high up into the air. Now, I watch a lot of dumb action movies, and I enjoy the occasional comic/graphic novel every now and then. But when I saw Charizard M lift Salamence high above its head, we only had only one chance to stop it from breaking the blue beast’s back.

Glitchy had recovered from the flame assault and darted for Charizard M without an order. Just before Salamence was brought down upon Charizard M’s knee, Glitchy zoomed in and took Salamence away, taking it back to the city grounds. When Salamence landed, it hatefully roared at the glitch dragon, raring for another bout. Charizard M looked down at the city, but he focused his attention to Glitchy. My Glitchmon clenched his hands into fists, apparently thinking that he could stand his ground in a bout of fisticuffs against something that took down a Salamence. But, Charizard M did nothing, and chose to fly away after catching a glimpse of him. It made its way towards the mountainous areas of Route 22, vanishing behind the rocky walls.

With Charizard ‘M’s retreat, Viridian City went back to normal. People went back to talking to one another, and some old geezer decided to take a nap in the middle of the road. Salamence eyed Glitchy, but, unlike its opponent, didn’t exude any hostility when looking at him. I guess it knew my Glitch-hydra meant him no harm. That’s good, because I can’t even imagine what sort of tricks 4. . may have in the heat of the moment. At least the PokéDex would let me know.

Salamence’s trainer inspected its neck; teeth marks were visible. The dragon wasn’t bleeding, but it was clearly worn out from the struggle. It wasn’t on the verge of collapsing, but it was obvious that, if it had a choice between beating up a regular Charizard or Charizard M, it would rather beat up the former. She placed her backpack on the ground and took out a spray bottle, but this one had blue grey in it. The Trainer sprayed it on the wounds, which completely healed after a few minutes.

“What’s that?” I asked her.

“It’s a Full Heal. It heals wounds on Pokémon,” she replied, tucking the bottle back into her backpack.

“Like a Potion?”

“Sorta. They don’t get their energy back, though.”

Smitty interrupted, “Hey, caped dingus, if you’re done trying to talk to the opposite sex, we should probably do some investigating.”

“Screw off. Bzzt,” Glitchy retorted.

“What the f**k did you just say about me, you little—” Smitty began. This time, I interrupted him.

Salamence’s trainer explained that the glitched dragon started following them no earlier than when they flew over Pewter City. According to her, there was no rhyme or reason for it do to so; she had never encountered it before, and had no idea what provoked it.

“Jesus Christ, how horrifying,” I commented.

“Ain’t it?” she said. “I’m Amber. Thanks for the help back there.”

“Oh, no problem,” I replied.

Dicks asked Smitty, “Is this as painful for you as it is for me?”

“Yup,” Smitty replied.

So after some more awkward moments where I tried to sound like someone who goes outside more than once a year, we pondered what we should do next. As usual, Smitty wanted to do some more glitch hunting. I wanted to go to the next Gym, since Viridian’s wasn’t open, and Glitchy wanted to go chase Charizard M; he was staring at the mountain range, hoping it would come back so he could try and take it down.

I approached Glitchy and stared with him. “D’you think that thing will come back?” I asked.

“Yes, I think so. Bzzt,” Glitchy replied. “Maybe. Bzzt.”

Glitchy and I returned to the group and joined the discussion regarding our plan of action. It was a pretty boring conversation, but that’s what happens after you fight a glitched Charizard that decides to fly away like a wuss instead of fighting. Eventually it was decided that we’d head to Pewter City. Even though the rest of the group didn’t want to, we agreed that there might be some information regarding Glitchmons there. Why anyone there would know anything about Glitchmons was beyond our guess, but remember: a Charizard M just attacked someone for no reason and was humiliated by a vaguely hydra-like thing with a cape. That’s the entire journey so far. Confused yet? You better be. I started this trek and even I have no idea what’s going on.

Aaaanyway, we decided that we ought to heal our Pokeymans first, so we headed to the Pokémon Center at the edge of town. The blue door opened automatically and we headed inside, but there was no one behind the counter. A few people were sitting at the tables scattered around, that’s it. They all looked just as confused as we were. On the plus side, the healing machine thing was open. So, Smitty, Dicks, and Amber placed their Poké Balls in the slots and watched as a blue horizontal light washed over them; a ding was emitted soon after. I, meanwhile, was trying to get Glitchy to go into his Poké Ball to no avail. I aimed the ball at him, pushed the white button in its center, and looked like an idiot when the red beam enveloped Glitchy, but did not take him back into the Poké Ball.

“Glitchy, quit being a dink and get in the ball,” I said.

“No. Bzzt.” His arms…err, yeah, why not, his arms were crossed.

“Quit being difficult so I can heal you.”

Glitchy continued to look away, arms/hands crossed, floating defiantly. For some reason, I still tried to get him into the ball, even though he wasn’t going to give in. Eventually, he grew annoyed with me and snatched the Poké Ball from me, tucking it into a pocket dimension that existed within his cape.

“Now what? Bzzt.” I stared quizzically at him, wondering what to do. Although I could easily just run off to the mart, buy a thousand more Poké Balls to try and catch him with, it would be completely pointless.

The other three grabbed their Pokémon and latched the balls onto their belts, so instead of waiting for a solution to pop into my head, Glitchy and I decided to join them as we left the Center. When we left the building, we headed north, heading for Viridian Forest. First, we had to go through Route 2, but that wasn’t a very long road.

Just a few feet ahead we saw a gateway that leads to Viridian Forest, a place where bug Pokémon like Weedle and Metapod lurk. On some occasions, you might come across a Pikachu or, even more rarely, a Pidgeotto. Everything here was harmless if you came prepared, but at least seven people die in the forest every year, due to Weedle’s toxins. The forest was alive with the chirps of various bugs and the occasional squeak from a Pikachu. It wasn’t very inviting, as you may have gathered from my long and dull explanation.

However, to our right was a small tree that could easily be cut down by Smitty’s Armaldo. This path went north to Pewter City as well, but this way we didn’t have to go risk getting poisoned.

We approached the tree and I ordered Glitchy to, “Uproot the tree.” The Glitchmon floated to the small tree and wrapped his hands around its thin trunk, then pulled upwards and lifted the tree out of the ground. Glitchy tossed it aside, and we went through the gap. Heading north, we encountered another tree, but Glitchy did the same thing and cleared the way. It was definitely no coincidence that tree was right near Diglett’s Cave; many a child had wandered into the cave and fell into a sinkhole the Diglett and Dugtrio set up as traps. Pewter City was now only a few steps away, so we kept going, ignoring the large, square grass patch that was alive with Nidorino and Pidgey.

Pewter City was a grey city that was famous for its fossil museum at the north end of town. To the southwest was the Pokémon Gym; the Leader, Brock, specialized in rock types and possessed an Onix, which angered anyone who had a Pikachu when they learned its electric attacks didn’t harm it. Brock’s also a bit of a stick in the mud, as his precious rock snake was once defeated by a sprinkler some kid set off in the Gym. You read that right: The Gym’s fire douser resulted in the most humiliating Gym Leader defeat in Kanto’s history. Every other Gym has something similar, though. It wasn’t completely moronic.

I really need to stop trailing off. Only the first two sentences of that paragraph were relevant. So, the group decided to do separate things here: I was gonna sod off and go to the Gym, Dicks and Amber were gonna go to the Mart and buy stuff, and Smitty was gonna stand around and breathe for a while. With that settled, I wandered over to the Southwest side of the city and hopped over the picket fence in front of the gym. Why the fence was there and why it was connected to the west mountain wall was anyone’s guess. Anyway, I kicked open the Gym’s door and it flew open.

Much like the Pokémon Center in Viridian City, there was no one in the building. What the Hell was going on? Were all the Gyms and Pokémon Centers abandoned? Neither building showed signs of disrepair and were still in good shape, so it must’ve been recently that their owners left. Why were they being abandoned? Is there some kind of conspiracy going on?

“Whatcha think’s going on, Glitchy?”

“I don’t know. Bzzt. It’s odd. Bzzt.”

More and more, Glitchy was growing. His vocabulary was expanding somewhat, and he was getting his own personality. I can only pray, though, that he doesn’t take after me. I don’t think the world’s ready, nor wants that. I’m still not sure where “Bzzt” came from, though. Maybe it’s his catchphrase. Wouldn’t that be something! I should get one of those.

We decided to simply leave the Gym. We hopped back over the fence and headed north to check out the fossil museum. I opened the door and paid the $50 the receptionist asked for and we started looking around. Glitchy and I came across a display showing a Kabutops fossil and an Aerodactyl fossil, Pokémon that were once extinct until someone got a fossil to revive the former and something called an Old Amber to revive the latter. Both of them were imposing in stature, but Aerodactyl looked kinda goofy standing instead of flying.

“You ain’t so tough,” I said to the fossils. After that, we headed upstairs to the second floor and saw a space shuttle on display. A few years ago, a mission was organized to see if Pokémon like Clefairy really came from the moon, but the mission proved fruitless and no evidence was found. The shuttle displayed was the same one, or a really good imitation of it. Another display showed Omanyte and Kabuto fossils, or rather, helix fossils and dome fossils.

There was nothing particularly interesting other than the Aerodactyl and Kabutops fossils, so Glitchy and I took off, returning to Pewter City and finding that the group had reconvened at the border of Route 3.

“So, how’d the battle with Brock go?” asked Dicks.

I told him that the Gym was abandoned, similar to the Pokémon Center in Viridian City.

“Weird,” Amber quipped. None of us knew why the Gym was abandoned, but there would be no way for me to get to the League at the moment. But what if the other Gyms were without their Leaders? Could there be some sort of loony conspiracy going on? I’m not one for a wacky adventure, but damn it, that would be interesting!

So we decided to carry on, making tracks for Route 3. As we walked along the disjointed path, the youngsters and bug catchers chose to avoid Glitchy, except for one kid who was feeling particularly brave. He proudly stepped in front of me, chest out and hands on his hips, as if he was trying to look tough. His yellow t-shirt and blue shorts, along with his backwards grey baseball cap, made him look like anything but.

“Hi!” he greeted. “I like shorts! They’re comfy and easy to wear!”

“No,” I said, realizing what was happening. I tried walking around him, but the little twerp kept stepping in front of me.

“I challenge you to a Pokémon battle! You cannot deny my request, not that our eyes have met!”

“Did you just use a loophole on me? You little brat! IT’S ON!”

The shorts aficionado grabbed the Poké Ball on his waist and released a Rattata, which squeaked furiously at Glitchy. The youngster was still standing proud.

“Fine. Glitchy, look vaguely menacing.”

Glitchy floated forward and spread its cape open, like it did while fighting Smitty’s Armaldo. The tails on its cape became more refined and took on the shape of wings, and its two heads stared the small purple rodent down, until it was shaking in fear. After that, it toppled over, defeated. Honestly, what an anticlimax. Mind you, I’m tired of the small yet drawn out fights that have occurred today, so I decided to make it as short as possible.

“Rattata! Get up and tackle it!”

His Rattata gave no response. Eventually, he returned it to its Poké Ball. “You haven’t seen the last of me!” he said. “We’ll meet again, I’m sure!”

I ignored him. It was also getting late, but mercy arrived in the form of a Pokémon Center by Mt. Moon’s entrance. We headed inside, but it was also without a nurse.

“Are all of them like this?” Smitty said. “Where’re they? How come they aren’t here?”

I was getting tired, so I sat down on sofa and replied, “Maybe they’re all on vacation.” Oh God, the sofa was comfy. To my surprise, I was more tired than I thought, since I instantly zonked out after I spoke and drifted off to sleep. Had the day really been that long?

Chapter 7: Coming Up With Chapter Titles SucksI had no idea when I woke up. All I knew was that I was lying on the couch and had a blanket draped over me. Glitchy was curled up on the floor, snoring ever so lightly. To be honest, it was pretty funny. His snores were just as mechanical as his voice, which made it extra humorous. My head was on the sofa’s arm, but I remember it being on the cushion before. Had I been moved? Did Glitchy move me? That would’ve been sweet of him. I took my PokéDex out of my back pocket and opened it to check the time; it was 11:26am. Yowza! How long had I been out for?

When I got up, I had to be careful not to step on Glitchy. He takes up more space than you’d think. His two heads and cape added to that. After getting up and stretching, my stomach growled. Luckily, there was a vending machine on the upper floor. Eating junk food wasn’t my idea of starting the day…AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA I almost said that with a straight face. I retrieved a couple Kit Kat Chunky Bars from it and chowed down. Man, those things are delicious. I tossed the wrappers in the trash and looked around. Dicks, Smitty, and Amber were outside. Glitchy abruptly woke up and started looking around frantic-tick-tick-tick-tick-tically. If glitches dream of electric sheep and can have nightmares, I wonder what it was that awoke him.

“Okay, master. Bzzt.” I don’t know if he was toying with me or if he was just not used to me yet (we’ve spent five chapters together so far), but the whole “master” thing was kinda odd. It didn’t fit me at all. If he had called me “Commander Kickass” or “Mr. Magnificent” or “Guy With Cape Who Has No Friends,” then I wouldn’t mind.

I headed down and ventured outside. Amber was training with a Pokémon I’d not yet seen her use: It looked like a brontosaurus, but blue and with yellow, sail-like fins coming from its eyebrows down to the base of its neck. Deep blue diamonds were lined across the sides of its body, and its tail was curled. This Pokémon was an Aurorus, and could put Milotic to shame with its magnificence. Aurorus was attacking the mountainside and the occasional jagged stone mount poking through the ground, using its Ice Beam attack and its body to strengthen itself.

“Maybe later. It seems like having a Pokémon battle is all I’ve done lately. I mean, I’ve known Glitchy for a day, and we had two battles yesterday. I’m not counting the one with the shorts kid.”

“I hear ya. Back when I got Bagon, it seemed like all I did was get into fights with other trainers. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you and Glitchy meet, anyway?”

I told her that the Pokémon I was supposed to get turned out to be the Glitchmon I currently have and, despite Oak’s warnings, I decided to keep him. I also told her about how I met Smitty and the odd battle we had.

“So the first thing that popped into his head was to shoot it? Why?”

“’Cause apparently it might’ve been dangerous, is what he told me. I dunno. Glitchy hasn’t done anything threatening, so it’s most likely a load of s**t. Speaking of which, where’s Smitty, anyway?”

“He and Dicks went to Mt. Moon to train. What’re you gonna do?”

“Stand around and be a mouthbreather, probably. I’m not in much of a rush to get to the second Gym.”

Soon, Amber went back to training, and Glitchy and I pondered what we should do to kill some time. We were surrounded by a mountain and trees, and Pewter City was an hour away by foot. On the other hand, the entrance to Mt. Moon was just behind us, so we could always go in and pulverize some Zubats and Geodudes. Although, Paras and Clefairy also live in there, they aren’t as annoying as the other two.

Well, there wasn’t much else to do, so Glitchy and I headed into Mt. Moon to catch up with Smitty and Dicks. We could hear the fluttering of Zubat wings overhead when we entered the desolate cave. Its strange mahogany walls slightly contrasted with the cave’s brown-greyish floor.

“Eyesore, much?” I said while look at the walls. Stalactites hung on the roof and pointed towards the ground, and would impale anyone unfortunate enough to be under them when they came crashing down. The absurdly spacious cave gave a feeling of openness, but the stalactites, of which there were many, resulted in a sense of unease, danger, and slight claustrophobia, all merged into one.

Glitchy and I ventured between the walls on either side of us and hung a right. We saw Dicks and Smitty, but they were in the same spot, staring down at something.

The two were staring at some guy lying on the ground, probably unconscious. His clothes were tattered and ripped in some places and his black hair was matted. The guy’s face was covered in bruises and he had a black eye; for whatever reason, his shoes were missing.

Smitty picked up the trainer’s body and we returned to Route 3. We took him into the Pokémon Center and laid him on the sofa, and I took out my cell phone to call for an ambulance.

“What happened?” Amber asked.

Smitty explained that he and Dicks found the body, and then brought him to the Center when I accosted them for not doing so when they first found him. He also explained his belief that a Glitchmon may have attacked him.

“What makes you say that?” she asked.

Smitty pointed out the identical tears in the dude’s shirt.

“There’s only one thing that could cut something so nicely: Double Question Marks.”

“Double Question Marks…?” Amber asked.

Smitty nodded. “The Glitchmon itself is a little fatter than paper, but its sides and ridges are sharp. It takes the form of two white, blocky question marks.”

She seemed like she was hiding something. What could she possibly have to hide, though? Unless…

I tucked my phone away, ‘cause I wasn’t getting an answer from emergency services. It just rang and nobody picked up on the other end.

“What’re you so suspicious about?” I asked her. Glitchy eyed the Poké Balls on her waist. Had something caught his attention, or was he just being Glitchy?

Amber sighed and released a Glitchmon that was a dead ringer for what Smitty just described. Two blocky question marks emerged from the Poké Ball, but the difference was that they were a lime green, instead of white. Like Glitchy, it floated just a little bit above the ground. I’d say it was four feet tall.

“Before you say anything, there’s no way this one could’ve attacked that guy,” she hurriedly said.

Smitty turned and instantly brought out Armaldo when he saw the Glitchmon. Armaldo brandished its claws and lunged for it, but, thinking quickly, Glitchy did the logical thing: he picked up a chair and threw it at the…whatever the Hell Armaldo is supposed to be. The chair broke when it collided with Armaldo, but it at knocked it out of the air. Armaldo landed just shy of being on top of a coffee table.

“Will you stop attacking the first Glitchmon you see?” I asked him.

Armaldo picked itself up and decided to sit and watch. Smitty let out an annoyed sigh.

“First off, where the Hell did you get that?” I asked Amber.

She replied, “I found it in the wild. Someone, likely him,” she pointed to Smitty, “had set up a trap and caught it. I don’t know if the trap was actually meant to catch it, though.”

To his credit, Smitty was rightfully offended. “What makes you think I set the trap?”

“Well, you shot Glitchy the first time you met it,” she replied. “Instantly bringing out Armaldo didn’t help your case.”

“Bzzt,” Glitchy said.

I think Smitty was about to go on a long, winding tangent about how he was in the right, but he instead just gave an explanation.

“Fine. I did set up the trap, but it wasn’t meant to capture that Glitchmon in particular. Any other Glitchmon would’ve sufficed. And besides, I haven’t used traps like that in years. Or any trap, for that matter.”

Wait, did he say years? How long has he been at this? How long have Glitchmon been around? Maybe there was more to Glitchmon than meet the eye. I sure as Hell knew little about them other than what Smitty’s exposition told me.

“Years? How long have you been hunting them?” I asked.

Smitty began mouthing words and counting with his fingers. “About eighteen years, now.”

Fifteen years? Glitchmon have been around that long? Well, they must have been around longer than that. I don’t think they would’ve just spontaneously appeared in 1996. They could’ve been around since advent of technology, for all I knew. Maybe even before that, somehow.

Glitchy was inspecting the two question marks. ‘Inspecting’ may not be the right word. It did pique his interest, though. He was looking at it, moving his two heads to check it out. At one point, he poked the left question mark, which twitched in response.

“Hey, Amber. You said it couldn’t have killed that guy in the cave. What makes you say that?”

“Well, for one, he’s not dead,” she replied, pointing to the sofa. The supposedly unconscious man loudly yawned and stretched, but when he opened his eyes and saw the two green question marks, he stared blankly at it, as if he recognized the Glitchmon.

“Oh God,” he whispered. He was lying perfectly still, like it was the Tyrantrum from that movie, Safari Zone . I could see him shaking and trembling with fear at the floating, sentient punctuation.

“And second, it hasn’t left my side for a couple days,” Amber continued. “So, there must be another one out there.”

The once-knocked out man seemed to have calmed down by now. “She’s right. That wasn’t the one that attacked me,” he said. “The other one was white. Come to think of it, there were four of them.”

The guy nodded. “Well, four groups of them. Eight in total. But they were all white, not a green one among ‘em.”

Eight? These things attack in hordes? I flipped the PokéDex to see if it had anything to say regarding the matter. When the blue beam landed on the two question marks, it had this to say:

“This is a newly discovered Pokémon. It is currently under investigation. No information about it or its species is available at this time.”

Well, that was pointless. I tucked the PokéDex back into my pants pocket. Now, what were we gonna do? We couldn’t leave this guy here. On the other hand, we knew nothing about him. He could be an axe murderer or a psychopath or Ian Watkins from the band Lostprophets. Or all three. Hopefully not the third one.

“Wait, eight of them?” Dicks asked, shocked.

The other guy nodded. “Yep. They all fell from the ceiling and jumped us. My Pokémon didn’t even stand a chance. When they were down, the marks went for me. I don’t know what happened next other than waking up here just now.”

“Are your Pokémon in their Poké Balls?” I asked.

A look of fear and morbid shock appeared on his face. He started frantically patting at his belt, like a smoker does when they realize they don’t have their lighter with them.

“S**t!” he exclaimed. “Oh God, this is bad. Bad, bad, bad.”

He got up and was making his way towards the door, but I stopped in front of him.

“You’re not going out to look for them. Not in the condition you’re in.”

“Then who the Hell will find my Pokémon?!” he belted.

I told him that Glitchy and I would go find them. He was logically hesitant, but I managed to convince him that neither of us had a reason to steal his Pokémon or harm them. What would we accomplish from that?

His Pokémon were in regular Poké Balls, and he had three in total: Mismagius, Zigzagoon, and Hawlucha. Quite an impressive trio, I must say. Hawlucha especially. Anyway, he sat back down on the sofa. When I left the Pokémon Center, Dicks came rushing out to join me.

“Whaddya want?” I asked him.

“Dude, I’m gonna come with you. You don’t know what else could be lurking in that cave.”

That was decent reasoning, I guess. He added, “Also, I want to make up for not bringing him to the Pokémon Center earlier.”

“Well, all right, I guess,” I replied.

“Try keep up. Bzzt,” Glitchy added. I could already tell he was starting to take after me, which was frightening. He was starting to make snide comments, which is my thing. Sort of.

Anyway, to try and cut the amount of filler down somewhat, we headed into Mt. Moon. We headed to where the man’s body was found, but his Poké Balls were nowhere to be seen. I asked Dicks if he noticed the Poké Balls when they found him, but he said he didn’t notice. So much for that. We also found no viable clues; no footprints, no trails, nadda.

I remembered that he said the Glitchmon came down from the ceiling. Glitchy was already peering upwards, and I was hesitant to follow suit, but I felt like I had no other choice. Taking a chance, I look at the roof to see if there were any of those question marks.

There were. They were hanging upside down, their dots lodged into the ceiling for support. Most of them were fidgeting, like they were eager to strike.

“We have to get out of here,” I whispered to Dicks. But he wasn’t around. He was going his own way, heading north through the cave to find the ladder that leads to the second floor. That would take him a good 20-30 minutes or so, but I have no idea how dedicated ??s are. For all I know, Dicks could be their next target.

We decided to follow him, but the ??s still shuffled in their spots, rapidly climaxing to them dropping down. Their falls were surprisingly elegant: they did a single flip through the air before landing perfectly. Dicks turned around and noticed the small army of question marks that were starting to approach us. He released his Squirtle from its Poké Ball and also brought out something new: A Paras, the spore or mushroom Pokémon.

“Squirtle! Squirt!”

“Paras!” the small red Pokémon uttered, rolling the “r” in its name. Glitchy floated in front of me, putting up his fists.

“Paras, use Stun Spore on the question marks!” Dicks ordered. Paras scampered up and jerked its body forward, unleashing a smattering of yellow spores from the mushrooms on its back. The ??s glanced at one another, confused at this attack. It was too late for them to think of a plan, as the spores latched themselves onto the sentient punctuation, digging into their hides and rendering them motionless.

The one at the front, likely the leader of the pack, took uneven movements towards us. Every time it took a “step,” it stopped for a few seconds as it tried to fight off the spores. When it was a few feet away, that was our chance to strike.

“Glitchy, pick it up and throw it!” I ordered, like he did against Smitty’s Armaldo.

“Yes, master! Bzzt,” Glitchy replied. He grabbed the questions marks’ sides, lifted it up, and tossed it back at the cluster, knocking them down like bowling pins. The question marks lay in place, twitching every now and then. I looked up to see if there was any more of them, but that appeared to be it.

Dicks asked, “Now what?”

“Good question,” I replied. “Now what indeed.”

I returned to the Pokémon Center, with Dicks not too far behind. We explained the situation, but obviously, the injured guy wasn’t happy. Mind you, he wasn’t mad, either. But he did want his Pokémon to be safe and sound. This lead me to think of something: would those Glitchmon still be there if we went back? Defeated, I mean. I asked Dicks how long they’d be paralyzed; he replied by saying they’d be like that unless someone healed them. So Glitchy and I decided to return to Mt. Moon, continuing the search.

Sure enough, the ??s were still on the ground, twitching. While we watched them spasm, Amber came in, her Salamence, Aurorus, and her own ?? not far behind.

“Oh hi,” I said. “What’s up?”

“I’m gonna help you find his Pokémon,” she replied. “Especially since they might leave us alone if they see my Glitchmon.”

“Good point!” I commented. We trudged on through the cave, checking every corner, nook, and cranny for his Pokémon. Occasionally, one of us would check the roof for more of those pesky question marks, only to find none.

Mt. Moon was much, much bigger than I thought it was before. It was pretty fun to explore, to be honest. A bit dizzying, though. Whoever thought it was a good idea to scatter a few rope ladders around in corners should be shot. You better hope that ladder doesn’t break when you’re cornered by Zubats!

I don’t know how long we were in the cave for, but by the time we found the exit, it was dark out.

“What the s**t? Is it really night time?” I asked. I took out my cell phone to check the time. It was 8:24pm. Good Lord! We’d been in there for six hours. I tried calling Dicks, but couldn’t get a signal, since we were still in the cave. Oh well, it was worth a shot.

As we approached the exit, three Poké Balls fell from the ceiling and landed in front of us. Glitchy looked up, as did Amber and I. We didn’t see anything other than something running away on a higher level of the mountain. I didn’t get a good look at it, but I saw some red and yellow on it. Glitchy let out a low growl, like a Meowth or a Liepard would at a Rattata. Did he recognize it? I asked him, but got no answer.

The three of us exited the cave, carrying the Poké Balls with us. I didn’t know if these would be the traveler’s, but I didn’t think there was any harm in checking. Sure enough, a Mismagius, Hawlucha, and Zigzagoon emerged from them. They were all dazed and confused, which made sense considering their forms had rather disturbing details on them.

Like Charizard M, parts of their bodies had become pixilated. The lining around Mismagius’ cloak and the tips of its witch hat were magenta. The insides of Hawlucha’s wings, although the same shade as green, were pixilated as well. Zigzagoon’s ‘mask’ was now a long streak of black pixels. There was something else that was horribly, terrible wrong with them: their natural colors. Now, I’ve seen shiny Pokémon before. Hell, I’m surprised Glitchmon can be shiny. But these, however, were not regular shinies. Mismagius was jarringly pink. Not quite hot pink, but still fabulous. Hawlucha still looked like the result of someone dropping twenty paint cans, yet the colors were different. Its arms were grey, it had a yellow chest, and its mask was fitted with orange pixels. How tacky! Zigzagoon suffered the least out of the bunch; every other zigzag pattern was a striking violet.

These new colors were incredibly out-of-place, and any meaning they had was lost on me. Part of me didn’t want to know why their bodies were pixilated. Had they been converted into Glitchmon? Would they be hostile towards people? Would they listen to their original trainer? I didn’t see any other options than to try calling again. This time, I got through.

“Bert! Where the hell are you?” Dicks asked.

I replied, “We’re on Route 4. We found whatshisname’s Pokémon, but…”

“But?” Dicks asked.

I told him about the pixilation and colors on the guy’s Pokémon. I still had no idea what his name was.

“Bert, the guy’s name is Travis,” Dicks clarified.

“Oh. Well then tell Travis I have no idea what happened to his Pokémon.”

I could hear Dicks explaining things on the other end of the phone; I heard a loud “WHAT?!” from Travis. He either snatched the phone from Dicks or it was handed to him.

“What do you mean my Pokémon are different colors? They were never shiny! And what the hell is pixilation?”

“Look, I don’t know what happened to your Pokémon, but they were dropped down to us, and when I released them, they looked like this. I haven’t touched them, I swear.”

Travis sighed. “All right. Are you still on Route 4?” I told him we were. “Okay, um… Look, I may be making a mistake, but can I trust you to hold on to them tonight? I’ve never been in that cave at night, and I’d like to have company when I go through it again.”

I told him that it wasn’t a problem, we’d be in Cerulean City and we’d wait for them. He thanked me and hung up.

“So, what’s the scoop?” Amber asked.

“Well, they’ll be coming around tomorrow. I told them we’d wait in Cerulean City.”

“Sounds good. Bzzt,” Glitchy said. We made our way through the plateaus and hills, but we discovered something horrifying long before we got to Cerulean City.

Chapter 9: Ze Plot, She Thickens!There wasn’t a single building in Cerulean City left standing. It had all been reduced to rubble. Parts of buildings were scattered throughout, from roofs to doors to chunks of wall. The Gym was a pile of debris, and the Pokémon Center looks like it had collapsed in on itself. Houses were reduced to nothing. The cave northwest of the city had been blocked off, albeit flimsily. A mere wooden fence blocked the entrance. What could’ve done this? What sort of horrible monstrosity could’ve caused such collateral damage?

“What happen? Bzzt,” Glitchy asked. He was asking what we were all thinking, but I don’t think anyone had an answer.

We walked through the wasteland the once glamorous blue city had become. None of us saw anything resembling a sign of life other than the sporadic Pokémon crying out for their Trainer. The sheer damage done to the city could not have been done by a regular man. Maybe not even by a regular Pokémon.

Amongst the debris were various emergency service workers. Police officers, firefighters, doctors, the works. It was a horrible scene; I don’t even want to try to imagine how many people were buried underneath the rubble.

One of the police officers spotted us and came darting over to speak to us.

“Hey! You need to get out of here, right now!” she exclaimed.

“What happened here?” asked Amber.

“Something – we aren’t sure what – attacked the city. It attacked in the dead of night last night, but it wasn’t around for long. People said it looked kind of like a giant spider.”

“A giant spider? Like an Ariados or a Galvantula?” I asked.

The police officer replied, “Something along those lines, but bigger and more alien. Sort of along the lines of that,” she said, motioning towards Glitchy. “No one got a decent glimpse of it, but it was six feet tall, according to eyewitness reports.”

Well, that was certainly some interesting exposition. But it was useless to me now, ‘cause I had never encountered such a thing. I’ll admit, I was curious as to what it was. Maybe it was a new Pokémon that made its way to Kanto! Man, that’d be cool.

“Back to my original point: you can’t stay here,” the officer continued. “We think the attacker might come back. There’s a hotel in Vermillion City that you can stay at; the survivors of this attack are there.”

“Are you sure? We wouldn’t mind helping out,” Amber said.

The police officer told us not to worry about it and that they’d have it under control. There wasn’t much hope in convincing her otherwise, so we headed north towards Vermillion City. After walking down the long hill and passing the day care, we headed into the underground path. Normally, we’d just go straight through to Saffron City, but the gate guard is an arsehole and won’t let you pass unless you have a drink you can give him.

On the way there, I called Dicks and told him that we’d be in Vermillion. They weren’t thrilled about the extra mile they had to walk, especially having to go through the underground tunnel. It smelled horrible in there. Lots of seedy s**t happened in the path, from drug dealing to bootlegging to filming Mega Sharpedo vs. Giant Octillery. It’ a notoriously shifty place, but the police never bothered doing anything about it until 2001 or so, where they blocked it off. Even then, they opened it up again after the demand for it became overwhelming.

We were fortunate enough not to encounter anyone or anything down there, but it was still dim. The lights were dying and couldn’t illuminate the place, so it looked like a basement. A basement that smelled of marijuana smoke and Skuntank. Even the tiled floor was in disrepair: dozens of tiles were missing. The wallpaper had been shredded and loosened from various illegal Pokémon battles that had occurred.

It was a painful 20 minute walk, and I was beyond tired. Amber seemed exhausted, too. My phone said it was 11:34pm. While I regularly stay up longer, all this walking was wearing us down.

“Are you tired? Bzzt,” asked Glitchy.

“Very,” I replied, yawning. Finally, we were out of the underground path and on the road to Vermillion City. Pokémon Trainers that normally hang out on the road had turned in, but many nocturnal Pokémon had come out.

The city was orange-ish, with the aforementioned hotel to the east. A man and his Machop had built it with their own hands; man died after it was finished, and was named in his honor. South of town was a pier, the famous cruise ship S.S. Essessessess docked for the time being. A Pokémon Center was to the west, and the Mart was nestled in front of the dock. Instantly, we made tracks for the hotel and booked a room. It was on the fifth floor, but at least we could take the elevator.

Our hotel room was pretty nice. In the foyer to the right was the washroom. A table sat in the back left corner of the room, with two chairs seated at it. The beds were at the east wall, facing the TV stand. Thank God for the TV; I hadn’t seen Fresh Prince of Goldenrod City in a couple days. I crashed on the bed and snatched the TV remote resting on the nightstand between the beds, hit the power button, and was totally pissed because hotel TVs are the worst. They’re a pain in the ass to channel surf, none of them being the same as your setup at home.

Amber lay on her bed and Glitchy decided to sleep on the circular table. After a tedious amount of channel flipping, I had finally landed on Fresh Prince. The show ended in the ‘90s, but it was still hilarious even though I’d seen every episode six trillion times.

I don’t know when I fell asleep (I saw the entire episode, though), but when I woke up, it was 12pm. I must be a total wuss to sleep for that long after walking. Glitchy was still curled up on the table, and there was no sign of Amber or her Pokémon. When I got out of bed to use the washroom and shower, I returned to find that he was awake and floating by the door.

“Where’d Amber head off to?” I asked him. Glitchy shrugged in response. I left the room, taking the door card with me and tucking it in my pants’ back pocket. After scarfing down a few chocolate bars from the vending machine in the hotel lobby, we headed over to Route 11. Along the way, I passed Diglett’s Cave. I’d never battled with or against a Diglett and thought it’d be cool to try and catch one, so I headed in to see if I could encounter one.

The cave’s entrance was a small room with a ladder, which I climbed down to enter the heart of the cave itself. It veered northwest to another ladder that would take you to Route 2, but I didn’t intend to go that far. I loitered around the ladder and around the first bend, looking up at the golden cliffs the Diglett had made. Glitchy craned his heads up to look at a certain cliff in particular. From it, we could hear what sounded like a Pokémon battle. Attacks were being exchanged and grunts could be heard from the combatants, but the grunts weren’t regular Pokémon grunts. They were a lot more guttural and inhuman sounding, much like Glitchy’s. Could it be?

Deciding to take the logical course of action, I started climbing the walls, taking hold of the jutting rocks and ledges available to ascend. When I finally found the source of the battle, I was stunned beyond words.

Two Glitchmon were having a battle. The left one was black and purple, sporting a spider’s torso, but with twice as many legs. From the back of its body were several snake-like heads, snarling and frantically waving around. It was easily 6’ tall, especially with how arched its legs were. The other was purple, orange and white, resembling an ‘L.’ The L looked like it was taking quite a beating, while the spider hydra looked perfectly fine.

L shot a large glob of water at the multiple-headed spider, which crawled out of the way; the water splashed against the wall. I was able to grab my PokéDex and aimed it at the L. The blue beam landed on it and returned this information:

“Error. Missing Number. No valid data is available.” I targeted the spider, which gave something a little more interesting: “PPKMNPPKMNPPKMNPPKMNPPKMNPPKMNP,” it blurted over and over again. Both of them noticed this. Although L simply turned around and stared, the hydra spider darted over to where I was supporting myself.

“Human!” it declared. “You must be eliminated for the good of our God!”

It raised one of the legs at the front, and was ready to step on or impale my hand, but L tackled it out of the way and to the wall.

“Run!” said the L, as it pinned its foe against the wall. Panicking, I lost my grip and fell towards the ground, but Glitchy flew up and caught me. Soon after we landed, L was attacked off the cliff by the spider hydra, crashing down beside us. It was a brutal impact, and looked like it was knocked out. When L hit the ground, the spider peered over the edge to get a good look. After a few seconds of staring, it turned away and jumped on the succeeding ledges towards the northwest exit.

Glitchy and I tended to it, wondering what to do with it. We decided to take it outside to try and find some assistance, but who would know what to do with it or what it was? As we headed back to the square, Smitty, Dicks, and Travis finally arrived in town. When Smitty saw us, his eyes went wide.

“MISSINGNO!” he declared. I had no idea what he was talking about until I remembered his exposition from a couple days ago, where he explained how MissingNo was kinda sorta not dangerous. Well, there’s that.

“Not this s**t again,” Travis said. The poor b*****d. I should’ve warned him that Smitty’s kind of a total loony. On the other hand, it was kinda funny.

Smitty came over to check out the defeated Glitchmon Glitchy was cradling in his hands. He was awestruck at the sight of it. His eyes were filled with a wonder comparable only to that of a kid on Christmas. He was shaking with anticipation as he looked at it, even poking it at one point.

I told him about the battle it had with another Glitchmon in Diglett’s Cave and how it was knocked off the cliff. Smitty was perplexed when I told him about the spider hydra, saying he didn’t recognize it. When I told him about how my PokéDex reacted to it, he seemed a tad more enlightened.

“No he did not,” I replied. “It shot a burst of water at it and tackled it into a wall, though.”

“Water Gun! It knows the move twice, according to the PokéDex.” He explained that, when viewing MissingNo’s data, Water Gun is listed twice. Why this is, he didn’t know. It was pretty neat, though. Too bad Glitchy doesn’t have any attacks of his own.

“So, what should we do with it?” I asked. Smitty reached into his coat jacket and pulled out a spiky, yellow candy.

“I’ve been saving this Max Revive just for this occasion,” he said. Glitchy put MissingNo down and Smitty fed it the pill. After a few moments, MissingNo gradually showed signs of consciousness again. Its pixels shifted when it woke up.

“Where…am I?” it asked, looking at us.

“You’re in Vermillion City, MissingNo!” Smitty explained. “This young lad here,” he pointed to me, “brought you to me and I revived you.”

Amber returned from Route 11, curious as to what was going on. “Who’s this?” she asked.

“This, my dear, is MissingNo,” Smitty replied, still giddy as hell.

“The MissingNo?” she asked. Smitty confirmed it. Amber released her green ??. It took a keen interest in the backwards L, leaning down to check it out.

MissingNo abruptly got up. Like Glitchy and ??, he floated above the ground. “NO! NO! I can’t be here!” it belted. “I can’t be out in the open! They’ll see me!”

“Who’ll see you?” Dicks asked.

“The God! The people! The King! I…I have to go!”

MissingNo turned around and made a break for Route 6, but stopped dead in his tracks at the border of the city and Route 6. Down the road was a small army of Glitchmon; one was being led by PPkmnP were making their way towards the city. In tow were a few dozen ??, floating ominously behind it. The coordination PPkmnP showed with its many legs was pretty neat.

L started backing away when he saw the horde, taking shelter behind Smitty, but still looking at the group. Smitty released his Armaldo, which tapped its claws together. Amber’s Salamence, Aurorus, and green ?? took a stance. Dicks brought out Squirtle and Paras; the latter readied its mushrooms to unleash some spores.

“Hey, Bert, d’you still have my Pokémon?” Travis asked.

“Oh, right,” I said, handing him his three grievously discolored Pokémon. I still have no idea why they looked like that. MissingNo took notice, giving the impression that he knew something. Glitch raised his fists, as usual.

The army of Glitchmon stood in front of us. PPkmnP declared, “Move aside! We must reclaim MissingNo for the good of our King!”

Armaldo snarled in response.

“No!” Smitty shot back. The spider’s heads all turned to face him.

“You dare to defy us? Do your pathetic Pokémon think that can keep us from taking him back?”

I wanted to ask why they had no interest in Glitchy or ??, but I decided against it, because I didn’t want to know the answer, if there was one.

We started backing away, but the Glitchmon kept advancing. There was no way any of us were going to abandon MissingNo!

“Are you going to comply, or do we have to take them by force?” PPkmnP asked.

Chapter 10: The SiegeThe army of ?? stormed the city, either moving around PPkmnP or by climbing over the buildings that stood in their way. Meanwhile, their leader stood where he was, watching as the chaos began to unfold. Without hesitation, the living punctuation began terrorizing everything in sight. They started by attacking buildings and forcing people out, then attacking the poor souls unfortunate to cross their path. Or even those who didn’t cross their path, for that matter.

The rest of us wasted no time joining the fray and getting the s**t kicked out of us. It didn’t quite go down like that, actually, but those ?? were pretty brutal and relentless, despite visibly flailing while they attacked. While Smitty, Dicks, and Travis scurried off to try and defend the civilians, Amber and I decided to try and take down PPkmnP through any means necessary. Her green ?? floated beside Glitchy, both of them standing up to the spider.

PPkmnP wasn’t thrilled about having to get into another scuffle. “Do you think you are able to stand up to my strength?” it asked. “Your Glitchmon are, very evidently, untrained.”

“Bzzt,” Glitch retorted.

“What does your friendship with this human have to do with anything?” PPkmnP asked Glitchy. “Your bond will not be enough to stop me!”

One of its heads lunged forward and a mouth visibly opened, showcasing its fangs. Glitchy shuffled out of the way to avoid the strike, but another head did the same thing. Both noggins were on either side of Glitchy.

“Salamence! Dragon Tail!” Amber ordered. The blue dragon brought its tail down upon the neck closest to it and brutally severed it from the head! PPkmnP winced in pain from the assault, but it was of little effect otherwise. The pixels just reattached themselves and the head was useful again. It returned to its spot, as did the other.

“I do not know why I am wasting my time on you. It is MissingNo that our King desires!”

Speaking of which, where had MissingNo gone? When I turned around, he wasn’t anywhere to be found in the immediate area. I had no idea what it was capable of, though.

“Move aside!” PPkmnP ordered, extending its legs to make itself a foot taller. Salamence roared at it, and PPkmnP replied by kicking it in the head. Salamence scuttled back, and the spider hurriedly moved between us into the heart of the city.

“We can’t let him get MissingNo!” Amber said.

“Where the Hell could it have gone?” I asked to nobody in particular. Glitchy went his own way, but I followed him. His two heads were frantically observing the city, looking for a sign of the L.

“The f**k should we do?” I asked Amber. She sighed.

“If anyone can take down PPkmnP, it’s definitely us. No offense to the others; I’m sure they’re excellent trainers in their own right. But we have the experience of dealing with them.”

Beautiful and smart. I like that. See? I’m not that shallow. A little.

Even though we wanted to try and help, PPkmnP was our priority for the time being. Similar to MissingNo, I’d only encountered him briefly and did not know what he could do, no idea of how big a threat he could be.

This led to many, many more questions: what other Glitchmon were out there? How many were threatening? How many had the maliciousness of PPkmnP? How many others had the benevolence of Glitchy and MissingNo? Were there other Glitchmon like those question marks? Where were they coming from? This whole adventure was like a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a present. It was kind of like an onion, but at least mysteries are intriguing. Seriously, f**k onions. Although, I could really go for some onion rings right now.

As we walked towards the pier, a cluster of ?? stormed in front of us, blocking the way. There were at least ten of them.

“Glitchy, take those things out!” I ordered.

“Aye-aye master! Bzzt,” Glitchy said. He flew in and grabbed one of the ?? by the bottom, and, using it like a club, swung it at the nearest ??, knocking it over. I can’t deny it, I burst out laughing at the scene. It was like some scene in Machoke, the Barbarian. From the side came a Shadow Ball, crashing into a ?? and taking the others down with it as it was sent flying into them. Travis’s Mismagius had attacked to bring them down.

“Have you two seen MissingNo?” he asked.

“No!” I replied. “We’re looking for him! Do you know where he is?”

“Smitty went off looking for it,” Travis said. “But I don’t know where.”

Well, a lot of help that was. The two of us took off towards Route 11, but we couldn’t even set foot in the grass. A group of circles were flooding in from the gate. They were like bulls-eye targets: their rim was black, their inside was a white circle, and in the middle was a black circle with a white question mark in it.

“s**t!” Amber exclaimed.

“What are those things?” I dared to ask.

“They’re ??’s cousin. They’re a lot alike, other than appearance. We better get moving.”

We started backing away, but her green ?? stood where it was, watching the target boards moving in. Amber’s explanation had some truth to it.

“Hey, ??, come on!”

But ?? didn’t move. He continued to watch as its “cousins” continued on their wild trek towards Vermillion City. None of them made any noise as they floated which, to me, is horrifying. Not as horrifying as other aspects of this adventure, but still pretty damn spooky.

“Nuts to this,” Amber grunted. “Aurorus! Ice Beam those things!”

The fabulousaur reared its head back and unleashed a concentrated beam of solid ice from its mouth, launching it at the Frisbees and taking out a large smattering of them. From Diglett’s Cave emerged a bunch of ??, and the two Glitchmon armies surrounded us.

Salemence’s body tensed up and its nostrils flared, baring its teeth to its enemies.

“Can Glitchy carry us both?” Amber asked.

“What?” I asked, having no clue what she was talking about.

She clarified, “Is it strong enough to pick us up and carry us above the ground for a bit?”

I looked at Glitchy. His heads were fixated on us. “I guess so. Why?”

“Because of reasons,” she said.

I shrugged, confused as f**k. “’Kay then. Glitchy, pick us up!”

My Glitchmon grabbed us by our shirt brims and lifted us off the ground. It was just as awkward and uncomfortable as you’d expect. He was being careful not to choke us, but it was rather difficult to make sure we didn’t.

Salamence reared onto its hind legs briefly, then roared at the opposing Glitchmon. With all its might, the dragon stomped the ground with its front feet, created a makeshift earthquake that was sent throughout the city. It wasn’t strong enough to knock the hotel over, but a few abandoned houses were sent crumbling down from the vibrations. For some reason, the ?? and ? were reduced to fumbling about and falling over from the quake, even though Amber’s own ?? floated above the ground at the same height and was unaffected. Neither was her Aurorus.

Glitchy soon set us back down, but Salamence was still on an anger high as it snarled at its foes. From behind us, I heard a voice.

“BERT! AMBER!” shouted Smitty from the pier. His Armaldo was with him, on the lookout for any potential attacks. “Dicks, Travis! Over here!”

We hauled ass to the pier to reconvene and think of a plan. Before we could start brainstorming, Smitty revealed what he assumed was the best choice of action.

“We have to get the f**k out of here,” he said, albeit sorrowfully.

“Obviously,” Dicks said. “But how can we get the people onboard?”

Smitty revealed that he hadn’t thought that far ahead. So he had an idea, but no plan. I can’t say I was any different, and I don’t think any of us were, but I was kinda counting on him to think of something.

“I don’t think there’s much hope for them…”

Amber said, “You better not be saying what I think you’re saying.”

“I’m not proud of myself!” he shot back. “But they’ll escape only if they take the single opportunity they’ll get.”

“We can’t just leave them here, Smitty!” Travis protested.

“Do you think that’s what I want? This isn’t a game. If we want to escape, then we have to do it now!”

I asked him what he had in mind. He was thinking that if we distract the Glitchmon long enough by engaging them in a standoff, the citizens will be able to get onboard the S. S. Essessessess and escape with their Pokémon. It wasn’t a brilliant plan, but it was better than the nothing I came up with.

He clarified that we only had one chance to do this right, so it better count. We didn’t waste any time, so we stood in front of the dock and Salamence roared to get everyone’s attention.

It worked. The ? and ?? turned to face us, as did the people.

“Everyone! If you want to escape, this is your only chance!” Smitty declared. “I advise you to take it, because we won’t be coming back for any wranglers that get left behind.”

The Vermilions started making their way for the S.S. Essessessess, and the Glitchmon army tried to stop them. Our Pokémon and Glitchmon attacked any that dared to defy us, using whatever we had. Unfortunately, Glitchy was at a serious disadvantage since he had no attacks, as was Amber’s ??. Thinking quickly, my Glitchmon ventured to a nearby building that had been demolished by Salamence’s Earthquake attack and picked up a steel rod that was sticking out of the ground. ?? had no such luck, since it lacked arms.

Any time Glitchy went after a Glitchmon, it swung the pipe to swat them away. A “clang!” was emitted from the impact, and I gotta admit, that was a pretty clever thing to do. Glitchmon were swatted aside left and right. Amber’s Salamence and Aurorus were spamming Flamethrower and Ice Beam, respectively, to dissuade the Glitchmon menaces. Dicks was assisting by immobilizing them with his Paras’ Stun Spore and having Squirtle use Water Gun to push them aside or into the water. Travis’ Hawlucha, Mismagius, and Zigzagoon were working together to take down their opponents.

It must’ve taken at least an hour to get everybody safely onboard the S.S. Essessessess. The Glitchmon were really consistent in trying to get their bait, but we prevailed in the end. When we entered the port, the ship was facing the east. It was a massive white liner, with the creatively idiotic name emblazoned on its side. There were steps for us to walk on to get inside, so we did just that.

When we got inside, I found MissingNo patiently waiting for us, resting in the hallway.

“I was gonna tell you earlier, but there wasn’t much time,” Smitty explained.

“It’s fine. I didn’t think you’d say we’d have to abandon Vermillion City without MissingNo in tow,” I replied.

Smitty made his way towards the ship’s cockpit and was about to turn her on, but at that moment, the boat was rammed by the Glitchmon. But instead of the ? and ??, it was PPkmnP.

“It’s trying to get MissingNo!” Dicks exclaimed.

“Over my dead body,” Smitty said. He turned the ship on, then returned to us. A man took the wheel of the cruise ship.

Smitty opened the ship’s door and ventured out onto the dock, Armaldo following him.

“What are you doing?!” I demanded to know. “You can’t take all of them on at once!”

He flashed me a sly smile and continued on his way. When he was at the bottom of the steps, he kicked it away and it fell into the water.

“For years, I have been hunting Glitchmon,” Smitty said to the horde. “And today it is with great honor that my hunt has come to a fitting end. But even though this is where my adventure ends, it is also where Bert’s journey really begins.”

PPkmnP sneered. “Nice speech. Would you like to prolong your demise some more, or would you prefer to get it over with?”

Smitty grinned. “Just to piss you off, let’s prolong it a little more.”

The Glitchmon homed in on he and Armaldo, at which point the S.S. Essessessess started moving. My view was obstructed by the port’s walls, but the last thing I saw was Armaldo swiping and slashing at the ? and ??.

I don’t care much for ships. I think they’re stupid and overrated. The only time you hear about them is when some rich snob is throwing a party for his stupid rich friends and their stupid rich wives and then they mysteriously get eaten by a tentacle monster. Or maybe that was just a book I read. Hell, it may’ve been a movie. Possibly both.

ANYWAY!

We were in a big foyer with lots of passenger cabins. The hardwood floor beneath us was spick-and-span, sparkling under the lights like some idiotic scene on The Simpsons.

“Oooh. Bzzt,” Glitchy uttered. I don’t know why a clean floor amazed him, but he was starting to discover the world after being cooped up in a Poké Ball for God knows how long. We didn’t know where to go and had no idea if there was anybody on board, so I approached the cabin door in front of me and knocked. It opened, and a young kid greeted me.

“Hey, I met you before!” I said. “You’re that kid who likes shorts!” I recognized his grey baseball cap.

“That’s me!” he replied. Glitchy was eyeing him, curiously. He may have been scowling or something, but I couldn’t tell. Shorts Kid, also, didn’t seem particularly thrilled about seeing Glitchy again.

“Uh, anyway. Any idea where the boat’s going?” I asked him.

“Cinnabar Island, I think.”

MissingNo shot up. “Did he say Cinnabar Island?” he asked. He wasn’t quite as bad as Dicks in the listening department.

“I heard that,” Dicks said.

“He did,” I replied to MissingNo. The name piqued his interest. I don’t know why; I went to Cinnabar Island once, like, five years ago and it sucked. Y’see, the island was wiped out by a well-publicized volcano eruption at the beginning of the 21st century. Cinnabar was flooded by lava and the Cinnabar…ites? Cinnabarans? Whatever, they were forced to evacuate. Shockingly, I remember the day really well. Dicks and I were beating the s**t out of some hippies with Entei in Pallet Square, and it started snowing. Yet, the snow was black. And it tasted disgusting, because it was ash. We felt the ground shake beneath us right before the volcano went off, but it wasn’t until we looked south that we saw what was going on.

Imagine having to watch as an island’s people are forced to flee, because they decided to set up their town near the bottom of a fucking volcano. Stupid decision, yes, but early settlers had been at sea for years and it was the first landmass they found in the long run. I can’t say I totally blame them. I don’t know how I know that. See? I can be useful!

“What’s so special about Cinnabar Island?” I asked the backwards L.

“There’s…something there that might be useful to us,” he replied. And now I asked why we were even going to the island. I know that they’d started rebuilding, but I didn’t think it was in shape to be hospitable yet.

“Hey, that’s—!” Shorts Kid said, when he saw MissingNo.

“It sure is,” Amber said. Shorts Kid grabbed a Poké Ball from his backpack and threw it, but MissingNo used his Water Gun to push it away.

“Well, he’s not as bad as Smitty,” I joked. Shorts Kid seemed bummed at this grand failure of an attempted catch.

Speaking of Smitty, I headed over to a window to see if I could see the port, but we’d gone too far and all I saw was the vast expanse of water. Christ, I felt horrible. Remembering all the s**t I said to him, only to realize now that he was right about everything up until the siege. There was no way in Hell - no matter how strong his Armaldo was - they could take down that horde and PPkmnP. s**t, I don’t think the five of us could bring them down, even if we/they used all of our Pokémon. Out of the group, Amber would probably survive the longest.

I punched the wall when it hit me. Saying I felt like an arsehole was an understatement. He’s fucking dead, no ifs, ands, or buts. At least he sacrificed himself for the greater good? So that he could continue on? To distract PPkmnP and his legion of stupid punctuation assholes fucking damn it HE’S DEAD AND IT’S ALL MY FAULT.

“Is he all right?” Shorts Kid asked. Glitchy floated over and put a hand on my shoulder.

“What’s wrong, master? Bzzt,” he asked.

I sighed. “I’m fine. I just need some air.”

“You better get walkin’. It’ll take you twenty minutes to get to the deck.” Shorts Kid asked.

“Then I guess I should be off,” I replied. Glitchy and I headed left, leaving the others behind. We walked to a corner that was halfway around the foyer, heading up the grey, boring stairs to the second floor. It looked almost exactly the same: a square lobby with white walls, and red cabin doors. There was an orange line going diagonally across the boat’s interior walls, just a little higher than my waist. This isn’t saying much ‘cause I’m like 5’2. I don’t know why I added that trivial detail. Why the Hell am I trailing off again? I need to stop doing that.

Back to the irrelevant plot, Glitchy and I headed left and noticed a wide screen door. Looking out, we saw the deck, which was empty. Thank f**k; I’d had almost no time to myself the last couple weeks and just wanted to relax. So, I opened the doors, pulled them aside, and stepped outside and was instantly greeted by the brisk, fresh, sea air. My God, it was relaxing! It calmed me down and I felt at ease, which was an improvement over the hair-pulling bullshit that’s happened lately. Fight scene after fight scene and random plot point after abandoned random plot point…it was nice not to think about that s**t.

I stood at the front of the deck and looked as the waters waves rolled across the surface, being parted as the S.S. Essessessess brushed through the water with grace and ease. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky. I could see Pidgey and Tailow and Fletchling soaring through the air, chirping a song only bird Pokémon know. Some guy riding a Fearow zoomed overhead, looking kind of majestic and proud. I wonder…

“Hey, Glitchy.”

“Yes? Bzzt.”

“Think you can give me a ride?”

“Umm…Bzzt.” He seemed hesitant, which is understandable. He wasn’t tall, but was about as skinny as an average human. I know that’s an awful description, but take a good look at the other dumb stuff that’s happened in the story. “I can try. Hop on! Bzzt.”

He turned around and I climbed onto his back; it was a lot like getting piggybacks back when I was a kid from my dad. Fun times. Despite being made of pixels, he was pretty solid. It felt a lot like sitting on a pile of Lego, but without sinking to the bottom of it and choking to death on a single nub piece. Those things are the worst, but there’s some use to them.

Once I was comfortable, Glitchy’s cape spread out into their winged form; they were a lot bigger than before. Maybe that was so he could fly more efficiently. The pixels were broken apart by my legs, which punctured the wings. Instead, the loose pixels acted as a bridge to the other pixels, filling in gaps and making the wings look fuller. I can see you punching your monitor in rage at my blithering, nonsensical, and undecipherable explanation. I am not paying for a new monitor; tough luck for you!

“Gonna fly now! Bzzt,” Glitchy uttered.

“FLYYYYY! ON YOUR WAAAAAAY, LIKE AN EAGLE! FLY AS HIIIIIIGH! AAAAAAS! THE SUUUUUUUUN! ON YOUR WAAAAAAY, LIKE AN EAGLE! FLY! AND TOOOUUUUCH! THE SUUUUUUUN!”

Those random DeEtta Little/Nelson Pigford and Iron Maiden references over, Glitchy flapped his wings and left the deck, flying up until he was roughly ten feet off the ground.

“WE ARE FLUTTERING IN THE SKY, MAKING THE SKY MAGNIFICENT. I LET THE WORLDLY PEOPLE UNDERSTAND OUR GRANDNESS! Bzzt.”

I have no idea what the f**k he was blathering on about, but, idayum, it sounded mind-shatteringly awesome. His speech sounded like something out of a mistranslated video game or a movie. But more importantly, did Glitchy just blurt out something resembling a full sentence? It was a full-blown ice cream koan (hey, that rhymed!), but the fact that he said it was surprising! Never in my life have I ever heard such wondrous meaningless, meaningful words. They, much like the clever nickname I had bestowed upon him, were true works of art and would go down in history as the most profound things ever said.

After a while of flying in circles over the deck, Glitchy returned to it and I climbed off his back.

“Holy s**t, Glitchy! That was awesome! We gotta do that more often!”

“Indeed! The act of flying in the blue yonder with the white pillows of comfort can simply not compare to any other! Bzzt.”

What. What the f**k was he saying? The only reason that sounded sophisticated was because of the word “yonder.” I really hope he doesn’t talk like this all the time.

“Uh, yeah. Totally,” I replied. I turned towards the front of the ship and looked at the horizon, something which, no matter how close we got, we could never touch. I have no idea why I said that. Just irreverent, irrelevant inner monologues, I guess. But really, though, the sun was starting to descend and the orange rays’ reflection on the water looked magnificent. All in all, a good way to end the day, but that’s not saying much.

Glitchy and I headed back inside and were greeted by Dicks, who was leaning against the wall.

“Bert! D’you clear your head?” he asked.

“Yeah, why?” I asked.

“Just wondering. Also, the sleeping arrangements have been decided,” Dicks explained. “You and Amber are sharing a cabin.”

“You got that right!” I replied. Dicks led me to the cabins; the four of us neighbored each other. My cabin was up against a wall. Heading into the room, I found there was nothing spectacular about it. A yellow and white tiled floor, two beds against the walls, a stove, dishwasher, and a sink at the back.

“Where’d you storm off to?” Amber asked.

I told her I needed to clear my head. When she asked why, I told her that I felt guilty for Smitty’s death, even though he sacrificed himself so we could carry on. I wasn’t particularly friendly towards the guy, which may be why I felt like I did. His speech seemed to indicate the opposite, but that meant nothing and could have just been a façade. f**k, all these horrible thoughts swirled around my head like a passive-aggressive hurricane of hate.

“Don’t blame yourself. Trust me, I’m pissed, but not at you. He knew more about Glitchmon than the rest of us and now he’s gone. But I’m sure he had his reasons.”

She had a point, I guess. But the worst part was that his sacrifice was avoidable. All it did was buy us some time to flee, but now our team had lost the brains. I’m not saying we couldn’t figure out s**t on our own, but it was better having a walking encyclopedia on Glitchmon with us. He always piped up with an explanation for something, whether or not we needed to hear it.

Chapter 12: The Chapter Before the Thirteenth ChapterI woke up at 12pm the following morning from Glitchy shaking me. “Master, wake up! Bzzt. The others headed to the domain of scrumptiousness to acquire delicacies. Bzzt.” He had the meter-long pipe slung over his shoulder like a sword.

After falling off my bed, tying my blue cape back around my neck, washing my face, combing my hair, and trying to make myself look somewhat presentable, we left the cabin and made our way towards the cafeteria. It was in the ship’s basement, but, from what I heard from rich assholes I’ve met, was quite inviting. It still looked like a regular basement, but had a touch of hominess to it, they told me.

Heading down to the cafeteria, it looked, in my opinion, like a glorified cellar. Stony, cement floor, the stench of wine, a tad chilly. At least it was bright; the lights made it look like something of an army base. Around the corner of the hall was the smell of delicious food. My God, it smelled amazing. I could taste garlic bread from behind the wall. Macaroni salad, too. There was something else…No, it can’t be. Not at sea! Oh, but it was.

Mr. Fucking. Noodles.

If you’ve never had Mr. Noodles, then you haven’t lived. It comes in a bag and is a large block of wavy, small noodles unless you break it up. When I have it, I do just that, pour it in a bowl, grab a spoon, sprinkle the dressing on it, and chow down. I could smell so many different flavors, from chicken, beef, shrimp, curry, to oriental. It’s a great snack if you want to choke on something. Soup was also wafting in the air; tomato was my favorite.

Then, I had a devious idea: mixing Mr. Noodles with tomato soup. Could you imagine? I think it’d be like adding a Mentos to Cola; something would happen. My theory is that, instead of exploding, the combination would instead take us into a new age of enlightenment. What would happen beyond that? Hell if I know.

When we headed into the cafeteria, Travis flagged us down to a table near the back left row. I was hungry, so Glitchy and I headed to the large buffet at the back. Salad, soup, chicken, coleslaw, pierogies, rice, ONION RINGS… It’d be easier to name what they didn’t have. And it was all so succulent and mouthwatering. Drinks were also readily available. Coffee, hot chocolate, tea, cola, water, wine, it was all there. I grabbed a plate, filled it with onion rings, rice, some white coleslaw, a small bowl of Mr. Noodles, and some more onion rings, took a bottle of root beer, and took a seat at the table with the rest of the troupe, sitting beside Dicks and across from Amber. Glitchy floated beside me and occasionally took a piece of my food for himself.

“Hoping to have a heart attack?” Travis jokingly asked. I had too many onion rings in my mouth to reply, so I gave him a thumb up instead. Everything on my plate was delicious, but I hadn’t eaten since yesterday morning so of course it was. I could’ve eaten a box of nails and expressed the same sentiment.

“Hey, MissingNo,” Travis asked the floating L, who wasn’t eating, but was with the rest of us. “What’s at Cinnabar Island?”

MissingNo sighed. “I am not sure. All I have is a hunch.”

“It’s another Glitchmon. Bzzt,” Glitchy added.

I groaned. “Another? Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve had a battle with a regular Pokémon? It’s not gonna be like PPkmnP and his merry band of assholes, is it?”

“No,” MissingNo reassured. “This Glitchmon is on our side. Its name is LM4.”

MissingNo explained that Glitchy is a Four Dot-Dot, and took the two-headed dragon shape as a sign of trust. I still thought that was cool, but I wondered if the shape had anything to do with their typing? Glitchy can’t learn any attacks (that I know of), and I don’t know what type he is.

I asked MissingNo these questions and he replied, “I do not know. While your Four Dot-Dot is a water-type Glitchmon, its appearance would indicate the opposite; that is, it is a dragon-type instead. Glitchy cannot learn any attacks because that is just how he is. On the other hand, he appears to be a combat pragmatist,” he explained, referring to the pipe Glitchy was wielding.

So, while Smitty may be gone, it turns out we had someone who was just as good at delivering exposition as he was. And chances are, MissingNo wouldn’t try to kill something the second he saw it. That was a plus.

“MissingNo? What happened to my Pokémon?” Travis asked.

The L replied, “I believe they are now Hybrid Pokémon. Hybridmon are Pokémon who have had their typing changed. Travis, may I see yours again?”

Travis let his Pokémon out of their Poké Balls, and, like before, Hawlucha hated its colors with a burning passion. Zigzagoon was too busy chasing his tail to care and Mismagius was definitely thinking of ways to take advantage of its newfound fabulousness. A swish of its cloak here, a cheeky wink to a woman there, he was, in his own mind, the s**t.

MissingNo observed the Hybridmon. “Hmm. I have never seen a Hybridmon myself before, so I do not know what their types are. I can, at most, make an estimated guess. By the looks of it, Zigzagoon could by psychic-type. Mismagius is likely fairy-type. As for Hawlucha? I am not sure, but the amount of grey on it would indicate that it is steel-type. I could very well be wrong, however. I am merely going by colors typical of the aforementioned types.”

By now I had finished the last onion ring on my plate. It was very disappointing to acknowledge, but then I noticed there were many more where they came from.

“How does the new typing affect Hybridmon?” Dicks asked.

“I would assume their immunities and strengths would be affected. Mismagius can no longer be harmed by dragon-types, as the fairy-type is immune to it, but Zigzagoon can be easily dispatched by a dark-type like Umbreon. Their attacks remain the same type.”

How useless. But I guess it had some advantages. Hawlucha must be pretty happy to know that those pesky Pikachu won’t be able to knock him out with one attack anymore. Too bad steel types aren’t that useful against electric-types. Now that I think about it, type changes are the most useless double-edged swords ever. You get a different type, sure, but then some other type just comes in and punches you in the face. There must’ve been more to it.

After snacking on some more onion rings, there was an announcement over the intercom: “We have arrived at Cinnabar City. For those of you who are heading to the island, please grab your belongings and take the side exit.”

“This is our stop!” Travis said. We made our way towards the exit, but MissingNo was hesitant. His movements were slow and uneven, like he didn’t want to enter the city.

“What’s with you?” I asked him.

MissingNo shuddered. “I…I cannot go with you.”

“What? Why not?” Amber asked.

“I just can’t! The people of Cinnabar would not take kindly knowing that I am still alive.”

Well, this raises shitloads of questions. Obviously, this adventure is not complicated and boring and long enough. Really, shouldn’t we have met the villain by now? I don’t mean another side villain; I mean the actual big bad. The guy behind all this wackiness, not his quirky sidekick squad. Maybe PPkmnP was the one behind all these shenanigans? That doesn’t explain why he just wants MissingNo and not Glitchy or ??.

And that’s another thing: Why would MissingNo tell us there’s something important in Cinnabar, and then chicken out when we get there? Did he not think this through? Did something suddenly happen that would force us to flee and never return? All these pointless questions and soon-to-be-abandoned plot points were giving me a migraine.

“What the Hell are you talking about? Why would they care?” Dicks asked.

“Because they just wouldn’t!” MissingNo barked.

This was a pain in the ass. He told us there was another Glitchmon, who was on our fucking side at Cinnabar, but now apparently the folks who live there would have a problem with him? Fucking s**t, why didn’t he mention this earlier?

“MissingNo,” Glitchy began. “I do not believe that the citizens of Cinnabar Island will cause you any unpleasantness. Bzzt. Perhaps it is my naivety, but it would appear that humans will accept you if you explain your case. Bzzt.”

I wonder, did Glitchy have an inkling as to what was bothering MissingNo?

“How about this, then? MissingNo can sit in a Poké Ball to avoid being seen,” Amber suggested.

“But then how will we find LM4? Assuming he’s at Cinnabar, that is?” I asked.

“Speaking of which, where would he be?” Travis pondered.

MissingNo explained, “First, staying in a Poké Ball sounds like a decent idea. If I am correct, LM4 is at Cinnabar Island’s burned mansion on the northwest end of town.”

Believe it or not, the infamous mansion survived the volcano eruption. Nobody’s really sure how. Yes, it took quite a bit of damage and is missing dozens upon dozens of bricks, is littered with holes, and is just one collision with a leaf away from crumbling down. On the other hand, it’s fun to explore, so I’ve heard.

“Mom! Mom!” Shorts Kid said to his mother. “Can I go with these guys to see the burned house?”

Please say no, please, please, please say no, I thought to myself. Despite my protests, I probably wouldn’t bother trying to fight it if she said yes. Most mothers can pretty damn terrifying if you object to them. Hopefully she would object and assume that we were all crazy people, so she wouldn’t send her child to hang out with random strangers.

Look, I’m not a parent. s**t, I don’t want to be one. I don’t care for kids and, frankly, I’d be too busy watching Arnold Schwarzenegger movies to pay attention to and care for a child. Also, Glitchy and I would probably be going on zany adventures all the time. Hell, we’ve been on the road for a few weeks now and I’ve already forgotten that mom has a pet Delcatty.

Chapter 13: PPkmnP’s Last StandWe finally left the boat and found ourselves in Cinnabar Island. Sure enough, it was being rebuilt. The iconic red roofs the town was famous for remained, but the landmass had expanded greatly, perfect for building a town. Dicks brought MissingNo into a Poké Ball he owned before we left the dock and Shorts Kid followed us. We found ourselves near the rebuilt Gym on the east side of the island, but it wasn’t in use yet and was still unfinished. Numerous houses were in varying degrees of construction. Some were finished, some were just started on, and some only had their foundations planted. Construction workers were all around the town working on the buildings. At the west wing was the burned mansion, which was where we were heading.

The burned mansion had many stories around it. The story most people have heard was that it was destroyed when the scientists had finally finished creating a clone of Mew, Mewtwo. As far as anyone can tell, this is true. When Mewtwo realized he was a mere clone, he threw a hissyfit, killed the scientists, destroyed the lab, walked the dinosaur, and was finally there, to sit on his throne as the Fresh Prince of Goldenrod City. Or something to that effect. That’s just the most circulated story, though, so it might not even be true.

Unsurprisingly, the inside of the burned mansion was a lot worse than the outside. Charred plastic didn’t waft through the air, but instead pummeled it. Tar was also present to assault your nostrils. The mansion’s air was warm, which meant it was irritatingly hot since we were near the end of summer. The floor was covered in dust and debris; chunks of the wall and the roof were lying upon it. Holes were present in the walls, and the lights were all dead. Hell, even the door was barely on its hinges. All in all, the mansion was a horribly unpleasant place. What Pokémon would dare to make it their home? What kind of Glitchmon would dare to make it their home?

“Whoa,” Shorts Kid said in awe. Glitchy still didn’t seem fond of him. For whatever reason, my Glitchmon stuck close to me, closer than normal. Did he feel threatened by him? No, that’s stupid. Glitchy would probably wreck his Rattata in a regular Pokémon battle.

We headed around a corner and found a broken table with a grey book on it. The book was open, but what was frantically written was more interesting:

“The experiment has proven successful. At last, we have created the perfect Pokémon. It will, for a time, be beneficial to beginning Trainers. Despite expunging our resources, this Pokémon will be able to take away the strain of spending money on Potions and Poké Balls by duplicating them to an amount requested by the Trainer.”

Wait a minute. Duplicating items? That sounds familiar. Smitty mentioned something about that back on Route 1.

“Dicks, you can let MissingNo out now,” I said. Dicks released the backwards L from its Poké Ball. I picked up the book and showed the page to him.

“What’s all this?” I asked MissingNo.

“A book,” he replied.

“Don’t play dumb with me. Why didn’t you tell us about this earlier? Is this part of the reason you think people hate you?”

“That has nothing to do with it. There are some other factors regarding that issue.”

Travis asked, “And what are those?”

“IT IS NOT IMPORTANT!” MissingNo barked.

There came a voice from the entrance of the lab. “Go ahead, MissingNo. Tell them about the atrocities you have committed. Tell them about the monstrous Pokémon that have been encountered along the coast of this island.”

It was PPkmnP. His spider legs could be heard clattering along the floor of the mansion as he approached us, and, as usual, he had a band of ??s with him. His composure was much more relaxed than in Vermillion City, but the hostile tone of his voice remained.

MissingNo grunted. So, some guy called 3TrainerPoké is their King? Then, it’s likely he’s the one behind all this chaos. But, I remember hearing mentions of a God before; maybe they were just synonyms they were using to throw us off guard?

“What use would 3TrainerPoké have for me?’ MissingNo asked.

“That, I do not know. And, who’s this child you have with you? A human shield, perhaps?”

“Get him, Rattata!” Shorts Kid declared. The purple rodent was freed from the Poké Ball and darted for PPkmnP, hoping to bump into it for the greater good. One of PPkmnP’s snake-like heads lunged down and picked up the rat with its teeth. He lifted it high into the air, as if to showcase this display of strength to us, and then the head threw Rattata at the wall to its left.

The impact, although light, was enough to defeat Rattata. When it collided with the wall, it took a chunk of it with him; the little rat was buried underneath a pile but I don’t know if it was killed.

“RATTATA!” Shorts Kid wailed, rushing over to save his Pokémon. His little hands pulled away small pieces of debris, but it wouldn’t be enough unless one of us acted quickly. I ordered Dicks to go over and help since he wasn’t contributing anything to the group, but then again, neither was Travis.

“Now then, do you wish to die here? I have no patience for wranglers such as yourselves. I promise it will be quick and painless. Maybe.”

“No!” Amber retorted.

PPkmnP sighed in aggravation. We were obviously putting a roadblock on his plans and now he was starting to get impatient. His legs straightened and his heads riled up to stare the two of us down; this was worse than it sounded considering that his posture made him at least 7 feet tall. Without hesitation, Glitchy darted in front of us and spread his wings to intimidate the spider hydra.

Glitchy’s intimidation tactic was nullified when Amber brought out her roaring Salamence. Its nostrils were flared, eyes wide, teeth bared. Salamence angrily swished its tail in anticipation for the upcoming battle. Aurorus was also present, as was ??, but neither of them looked that menacing. Sure, Aurorus was likely a graceful bruiser, but ?? does not have any attacks and lacks the ability to improvise, unlike Glitchy.

To our surprise and fear, PPkmnP laughed. It was a slow, mechanical laugh. He didn’t really laugh, like, “Hahaha!” but instead did something to the effect of pronouncing each letter individually.

“You rebels are too much. It has been fun chasing you here. Your early graves await you!”

He took a few steps forward, hissing at us as his heads bobbed back and forth ever so slightly. Salamence snarled at PPkmnP, unleashing a torrent of fire from its mouth at him. A deft jump, PPkmnP avoided the flames and latched his feet in the east wall, scampering towards us.

“Hawlucha! Kick his ass!” Travis ordered.

The luchador hawk backflipped, pressed his feet against the wall and lunged forward, arms spread. What a tackle! PPkmnP didn’t see it coming and was blindsided by the bird, and was tackled through the wall and landing upon a table; it snapped in half from the impact. Hawlucha hopped off and, for good measure, kicked one of PPkmnP’s heads. Unfortunately, his foot just went through the pixels and scattered them.

Now that I think about it, how did Hawlucha even tackle the Glitchmon through the wall? Dicks’ Squirtle couldn’t do that to Glitchy when we had our first battle. Strength probably factored in to it.

PPkmnP got up and kicked a half of the table at us, but Dicks’ Squirtle pushed it away with Water Gun. Man, I hadn’t seen that thing in a while.

Amber’s ?? lay on its side, but, still floating, started rapidly spinning. After picking up an insane amount of momentum, it thrust itself forward, aiming for PPkmnP’s legs. Slice! Slice! Slice! Three of PPkmnP’s legs – one on its front right and two at the back were severed, their pixels scattering away. An excruciating, pained grunt escape from PPkmnP as his remaining legs were forced to support and make up for the amputated three, his stance becoming lopsided.

“Blast it all!” PPkmnP shouted. “The King would be displeased should I fail my mission. But, sometimes, the coward’s way is the best way. Ta-ta!”

The Glitchmon started making his way towards the door, but he didn’t even get to the hole in the wall. Mismagius fazed in from the floor, blocking his path.

“Get out of my way!” PPkmnP bellowed. Mismagius gave him a cheeky wink before sending him flying with a Shadow Ball attack. The black and purple wispy sphere not only sent PPkmnP flying through yet another wall, but also decapitated one of his heads. Son of a b***h! Remind me not to get on his bad side.

PPkmnP collided with a bookshelf which fell on top of him, but he was as feisty as ever and reemerged from it quickly. He took a step forward, but stopped when the floor shook slightly.

“The lab’s probably gonna collapse if this keeps up!” Dicks hollered.

“Fine then!” PPkmnP declared. “Buried alive it is!”

He took another step forward, but this time the floor totally gave away and we fell down to the basement. Fortunately for us, Glitchy grabbed me, Amber landed on Salamence’s back, Hawlucha snagged both Dicks and Travis by their shirts, and PPkmnP was sent tumbling down to the cracked hardwood floor.

A voluptuous beam of lightning hit Glitchy, dropping me and sending him crashing to the ground. PPkmnP was on the wall facing us, uttering that inhuman laugh once more.

“Such insolence! Originally, our King just wanted MissingNo; but, I think your For Dot-Dot and Double Question Marks will also make lovely gifts!”

“Is that so?” cooed a voice from behind the north bend. I didn’t know who it was, but it sounded like it came from a large, imposing creature.

From the bend could be heard the sound of slime trickling across the floor, then came the loud, yet quick, footsteps. The Glitchmon was a blob monster and its pixels looked quite squishy. It had many tentacles waving about, pronged with three fingers on each end. It walked on two, brick like feet that were without toes. No tail was present on its body, but the thing’s eighteen arms made such a thing unnecessary. From its stomach (or rather, what I’m guessing would be its stomach) was a protruding tyrannosaurus rex head. On top of its form were two looming pincers, like a Kingler’s.

“LM4!” MissingNo greeted the blob monster.

“Greetings, MissingNo,” the pseudo-Shoggoth said. “And PPkmnP. How have you been since our last battle?”

“Ah, yes. That little defeat you handed to me. It was a complete waste of my time,” PPkmnP hissed. “To show you how grateful I am for that, you will get to watch as I slaughter these children here and now!”

Dicks said, “Y’know, you keep saying that. But you haven’t done anything of the sort.”

“Shut up!” PPkmnP screeched.

“PPkmnP, your grudge is with me, not these Trainers,” LM4 said.

“And why is that?”

“Because I freed MissingNo from 3TrainerPoké’s grip.”

Nothing happened for a little while. PPkmnP and LM4 just stared each other down, the former clearly trying to comprehend how he didn’t realize this. Or, assuming that wasn’t the issue, he was wondering how and/or why LM4 would do such a thing.

Cracks were starting to show in PPkmnP’s plan and attitude. LM4 not only betrayed him, but he betrayed the King as well. PPkmnP’s only hope now was to try and defeat LM4 and turn him in to 3TrainerPoké, but I don’t think the spider hydra possessed the strength or stamina to knock over the blob monster. He tripped over his words and stuttered as he went back to talking.

“You… y-you freed MissingNo,” was all PPkmnP could spew out. He was surprisingly calm, but, y’know how that saying goes: the calm before the storm.

And boy, what a storm it was.

“YOU! YOU WORTHLESS PILE OF SLIME! HAVE YOU NO SHAME? NO DIGNITY? FOR WHAT PURPOSE WOULD FREEING THAT WASTE OF PIXELS BE TO YOU?!” he screamed, motioning to MissingNo with one of his legs.

LM4 calmly replied, “I did it because there were things he could do in the real world that he could not do in Glitch City. True, his existence is the result of a carefully layered accident, but MissingNo possesses abilities that would be of a great benefit to humans that are of total uselessness to other Glitchmon such as us.”

Oh boy, Glitch City? What is that, what is that? I wondered. The name seemed alien, so alien and wrong. Despite the fact that I had no interest in going there, I knew that we would wind up there one way or another.

“So in other words, you acted out of pure self-interest. Fantastic. I always knew you had a ‘holier than thou’ complex, but I never thought I would see the day where you would admit it. Either way, not that I have you all exactly where I want you…”

PPkmnP trailed off as one of his heads craned up to face the ceiling.

“I WILL DO WHAT THE VOLCANO FAILED TO DO, AND THAT IS: DESTROY THE MANSION!”

The rest of his heads faced the ceiling, and a barrage of Thunderbolts and Aurora Beams were unleashed upon the roof soon after. PPkmnP had gone completely bat s**t crazy and was going to kill us, and himself.

“THEN SO BE IT!” PPkmnP screamed amongst the beams, and he was getting what he wanted. Parts of the building were starting to come crashing down and crumble to dust as his assault continued. A particularly strong lightning bolt not only blasted through the basement’s ceiling, but also the mansion’s roof, emitting a lightning bolt spire. But then it arched around and descending back down to the mansion, and we were without a chance to escape.

With a loud crack!, the lightning bolt struck the mansion. Since the building was not grounded, it was instantly set afire. Smoke rapidly rushed through the building as PPkmnP’s determination overwhelmed him. As chunks of debris started raining down, LM4’s monolithic stature loomed over us, hunching down to attempt to protect us.

“What’re you doing?” Travis asked.

“Saving you!” LM4 replied.

I don’t really know how it happened, but, after blinking a single time, we were outside the mansion and on the coast of Cinnabar Island. Our Glitchmon, our Pokémon, were safe.

More and more holes were made on the mansion’s roof as Thunderbolts and Aurora Beams destroyed it, the building becoming increasingly unstable as PPkmnP let his insanity take over and he worked on destroying the walls. As the outside walls starting shaking, the beams became more hectic.

With a final roar, PPkmnP was buried alive as the battered walls and the nearly-destroyed roof gave out, collapsing inward and sending plumes of dust and smoke hurdling every which way. The walls made loud creaking sounds as they caved in, and the arched roof split in half as it added the finishing touches to PPkmnP’s tomb.

Chapter 14: Things Go Horribly WrongThe burned mansion was nothing but a pile of rubble and debris after PPkmnP’s breakdown. The construction workers exchanged glances with themselves, us, and the destroyed building. When they looked our way, their eyes showed more curiosity over what this blob monster was supposed to be. Poor Shorts Kid; his beloved Rattata perished in the demolition and he was quietly sobbing to himself. That’s not something anyone his age should have to go through.

The construction workers looks changed from confused awe to anger when they saw the Glitchmon with us. LM4 was on to them; his bizarre T-Rex head wavered side to side as if to warn them to stay back.

“What’s their deal?” I asked LM4.

“It’s MissingNo,” he replied. The backwards L was hiding at the back of the group, but he was clearly visible as none of us were close together. “He’s got a bad reputation here.”

Dicks said, “We know. But why?”

“Something happened here a long time ago that MissingNo was blamed for. It’s a case of ‘being at the wrong place at the wrong time,’ but just about everyone here will say otherwise.”

The construction workers starting moving in, picking up crowbars, hammers, planks of wood and steel rods. LM4 readied his pincers and Glitchy darted up from, holding his own iron staff in his hands. The builders were not impressed, not at all. One of them grabbed an Ultra Ball attached to their belt and released a Conkeldurr, a burly grey Pokémon that wielding two stone pillars, one in each hand. It’s light brown and has several pink varicose veins jutting out of its flesh.

Conkeldurr’s hulking figure slowly approached us, slamming the two pillars into the ground like a cane. It was the only Pokémon any of them released, so either they didn’t have any others, or they didn’t think they needed to send out another one. Conkeldurr’s expertise with the pillars probably indicated the second option.

Travis’s three Pokémon darted to the front of the line, nudging LM4 and Glitchy aside. I’m not sure if they understood their new type advantages and disadvantages or not, but we were just about to find out.

Conkeldurr swung the pillar in its right hand at Zigzagoon; normally, the raccoon would be sent violently hurdling away, but instead, Zigzagoon looked annoyed; Conkeldurr’s attack was like slap to it instead of a cannonball. There stood the psychic-type raccoon, staring up at Conkeldurr as if to say, “Try again. I dare you.”

“Um,” Conkeldurr’s trainer said, trailing off.

“We have to get off this island as quickly as possible. Do any of you have Pokémon or Glitchmon that can fly?” LM4 asked us.

Amber released Salamence. “This guy can,” she said.

“Excellent. I want you off this island. You all need to go home and rest.”

“Are you sure? We want to get to the bottom of these… incidents, or whatever’s been going on lately,” Travis said.

“LM4, over the past few weeks, we have encountered many Glitchmon and defeated them; many ?? have come after us only to be beaten down. Bzzt.”

LM4 sternly replied, “That doesn’t matter. I understand that you will likely not heed my warnings to stay out of this, but the best thing for you now is a break. What will happen should you keep going will be overwhelming. I will catch up with you within the next few days, but until then, lay low and do not get into any more scuffles with Glitchmon.”

“He’s got a point,” I conceded. “I get the feeling everything’s about to get totally fucked. Resting in my own bed would be a lot better than sleeping on the shitty ones on the S.S. Essessessess again.”

“All aboard!” Amber declared. We crawled onto Salamence’s back and the dragon started flapping its red wings. We took off north, heading for Pallet Town; God, I could smell its crisp, homely air all the way from Cinnabar. I couldn’t wait to barge into my purple-blue house and hop into bed and have dreams of chasing Lugia through emerald fields.

Funny – and depressing – how that didn’t happen.

Granted, I was on too big of a high to notice that horrible thing coming right at us. The prospect of being back home, even for just a little while, got the better of me. I didn’t even hear its ear-piercing roar. Kind of odd, considering I’d heard it before. No, it wasn’t PPkmnP. I think I would’ve thrown myself off Salamence and into the damned grass patch below if that were it.

Charizard M came roaring and snarling in from the left at us, prompting Salamence to embark on a hard, descending left to try and evade it. That’s pretty much when I knew something was wrong. I looked up and saw that poor, not-quite-a-Charizard veer right back around and continued on its way towards Salamence. Although it kept its distance, the glitched dragon took a swing at us with its tail.

“Cool, a Charizard!” Shorts Kid exclaimed.

“What the hell? Why is it back?" Asked Dicks, saying what we were thinking.

“A misplaced sense of vengeance? Bzzt,” asked Glitchy. I have no idea what that was supposed to mean, but it sounded like a cool thrash metal song title.

Mismagius flew off Salamence and unleashed a Shadow Ball upon Charizard M. The black, ethereal sphere was a spot-on hit, crashing into the dragon’s chest and sending it plummeting into the expanse of water below. This led to the 9001st question on this adventure: if the pixel fire on the tip of its tail burnt out, assuming that was possible, then would it die?

Obviously not, as Charizard M emerged from the water unscathed, but wet. Salamence looked back to see what it was doing, turning its head just in time to see it shoot a fireball at us. Goodness gracious, the great ball of fire knocked Salamence out of the air and on a crash course for that aforementioned field of grass. The same one the fatass in chapter 1 died in.

Yeah. That one.

“Abandon ship!” Travis ordered; Hawlucha grabbed him with its foot when he jumped off Salamence’s back.

Charizard M wasn’t happy with that. It zoomed in and headbutted the lucha hawk, punting it and Travis back in line with the grass. Salamence still had some fight in it, but its main priority was getting everyone to safety. The dragon swerved and rescued Travis, letting him land on its back before taking off once again.

“Glitchy, let’s get it!”

“Aye-aye, captain! Bzzt.” I hopped on Glitchy and we made way for Charizard M; Glitchy handed the iron stick to me, and I raised it high above my head to attack. The glitch dragon’s priorities were skewered; the thing had a clear target with us, but it still went after Amber.

Either way, I was about to skewer Charizard M. We only had one chance to make this work and we had to make the attack count.

Glitchy blazed towards Charizard M, and I readied the rod like a spear. When we were close enough, I impaled the glitched Charizard, thrusting the weapon through its back. It wasn’t an easy shot; the thing’s hide was pretty burly. Either way, I dug the staff into its spine and practically jumped for joy when it pierced through its chest.

Charizard whimpered as if it knew something was wrong. Before it had a chance to retaliate, we took off for Salamence, who had now landed in Pallet Town. Charizard M pulled some Exorcist s**t and turned its head and neck around 180 degrees to look at the spear. I could hear its skin contorting as it did so. I heard the group heave at the sight.

Then it removed the rod. It was as ungodly and as uncomfortable as it looked. Charizard M’s hands tugged at it from the back, slowly pulling out the makeshift spear as the dragon put itself through an inhuman amount of pain. Still, the fact that it didn’t screech when I impaled it in the first place was disconcerting. Charizard M’s eyes shut abruptly as it went through a long series of anguish and agony. After taking the staff out of its spine, he threw it back at us; Glitchy caught it.

We were tired as hell from the battle with PPkmnP, and this arsehole wasn’t helping matters. However, that’s when I noticed all the houses were abandoned. I looked into the closest house, but saw nobody inside. Even the town felt a little different than normal, not counting the glitch dragon that was definitely hoping to destroy it once it dispatches us. As I walked back to the group, I felt the ground follow me. The town moved a foot to the right.

“I’m not the only one who saw and felt that, right?”

“N-nope,” Dicks mumbled.

A wicked smile crawled across Charizard M’s face.

“Nobody move. That thing is pulling off some kind of an illusion. This isn’t real,” I babbled. Glitchy tugged at my shoulder and pointed up at the sky.

It was the damndest thing. The sky, the big, blue sky looked like it had pulled itself back to unveil something underneath, like one piece of paper over another, but not completely covering the other layer. Above the blue was an off-grey color. Maybe it wasn’t; I was obviously supposed to see something, but whatever it was wasn’t there.

“Wow,” Shorts Kid said in awe.

I turned to Charizard M. “What have you done?” I asked it. Moving was a horrible idea. When I approached it, the town continued to shift. This time, however, the town moved one foot back to the left, like normal. But when I took another step, Pallet continued to shift left.

Charizard M still had that monstrous smirk. I looked back to see the group getting closer and closer to the west grass field with each step I took towards the dragon.

“Look out!” MissingNo exclaimed. When their backs touched the white barriers, the cylinders vanished. The sky kept peeling back to reveal the grayness underneath.

“MissingNo, what’s happening?” Amber asked.

“This is not Pallet Town. Not the Pallet Town we know, anyway. We are in a glitched copy of the town. It’s completely indistinguishable from the real city, and it’s a beloved trap Glitchmon use.”

“Is that why it feels so alien?” Dicks asked.

“Yes, but I fear there may be more where this one came from.”

Dicks’, Amber’s and Travis’s Pokémon started flipping every lid in sight. Something was very, very wrong here. How did we end up here? What happened to the real Pallet Town? Glitchy’s heads were manically darting around, like he was trying to find something, anything that would provide a suitable exist from this place.

Salamence, in an act of desperation, blasted Charizard M with a torrent of water using its Hydro Pump attack. Moving slightly to the right, the attack missed and Charizard M swooped in. We were effectively trapped. The cylinders blocking off the grass patch were gone and going in there would mean certain death. Charizard M was in front of us and blocking the path. The Pokémon had been frightened into submission, our Glitchmon incapable of even moving a muscle.