Psst here's a secret

Sunday, September 03, 2017

I don't always post things when I think about them originally. Sometimes I'm trying to decide if it's worth the effort of posting cause between work and life a girl gets tired. Other times I'm trying to figure out if by posting I might hurt someone's feelings which really no matter how we parted ways I tend to not want to do. Every blue moon I might be worried about embarrassing myself but hell I've done that enough to not be worried about it anymore.

So I was thinking to myself the last few days that I haven't been legitimately horny in months. I have seen beautiful people in that time. Interacted, well by messages, with my partners and jack squat. Save a few weeks after I came back from Amsterdam there has been literally no burning desire in me to do anything with anyone including myself. I used to masturbate to get to sleep sometimes and yeah that has sounded exhausting as of late and I just roll over and go to bed.

I'm not even sure I know what if anything that means. I'm sure if I was in a room with someone I was attracted to that I'd be able to have sex and orgasm but right now the effort of doing so seems like way too much effort. I've been sorting through stuff in my head but my disinterest in sex seems separate from that even though it may not be. I was thinking about the differences in my pre and post finding BDSM partners. Or in more general terms my vanilla entanglements versus my D/s partners.

I'm sure I've processed this before but it's been part of the really not horny phase more than I was giving it credit. My vanilla partners were usually someone I was intellectually turned on by who also happened to be physically attractive to me. Like I could coat them in chocolate and be happy getting fat as I licked it all off attracted to them. Things may or may not get complicated when they triggered my submissive relationship tendencies but whatever the case may be I was still on some basic level attracted to them. On the flip physical attractiveness has not been even a prerequisite for the D/s partners. Totally hit or miss there and what I was likely getting turned on by was more of the control and the pain.

Right in this moment none of that is doing a thing. When I first started down this rabbit hole I started to feel a general stirring in my girly bits and was like maybe I'm wrong but I wasn't. Just needed to pee lol. I'm sure this has happened before but I was likely single at the time. I'm not always a sex pot waiting to be stirred up and spread wide. But it does throw me off when I recognize there's nothing going on in my brain at all in that realm. I'm sure it's just a a momentary blip but yeah it's different.