This is a character I go into and
have gone into since the beginning of my academic career. It is an actual
manifestation of myself as one who will do anything to not do the work that is
required of me. This character is triggered by all sorts of

thoughts/feelings/emotions/beliefs/memories
etc… that emerge within me when there is a difficult task, in this case,
schoolwork which I find hard, thus activating this entire character within and
as me that I have to fight with in order to move myself to get down to just doing
the damn work.

It’s really not that complicated, yet I have made it so for myself over the
years, decades now even, and so now here I am dealing with it. Untangling the
web, tracing back each thread to its source so that I can take out the knots
and kinks that bind me in order to re-create myself as a self that is capable
of self-support.

Continuing herewith, the imagination dimension:

Yet another dimension of a character. When and as I am faced with schoolwork,
what things seem to ‘pop’ into my head that can be classified as imaginings:

1) I imagine myself starting the work, and then effortlessly zipping right
through it without the least bit of effort, and then getting on with my life.

The consequence of this is that it is obviously not in any way aligned with
reality, therefore when I actually do sit down to do the work, and I read about
what is going to be required of me, as soon as I see that it’s not going to be
easy and effortless I’ll have a reaction. So, what I am not considering is the
amount of

time
that will be involved in doing the work, and the multitude of steps, both
forward and backward, that inevitably take place within my studies and getting
through the work.

2) I imagine an assignment I have to do, then I think about another assignment
I have for another class, and then I think about the exams, and eventually I
have compressed time
and I’m now looking at all the assignments I’m going to have to get through and
it just seems like this insurmountable wall of work that I’m looking at.
The consequence of this is that when I do sit down to do the work, it feels
like I’m moving so increadibly slowly, and that I’m barely sratching the
surface of what I’m going to have to get through in the next
week/month/semester ad it’s like “how am I going to do this all?”

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to imagine my schoolwork as being super easy and seeing
and visualizing
myself ‘zipping’ through it in no time at all, wherein, when it comes time to
actually sit down and do the work, I find myself feeling overly discouraged
when and as I face a point that will require extra time and effort- more so
than I had planned for within my unrealistic imagining of the event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an
unrealistic scenario in my head, wherein all my schoolwork seems extremely easy
and quick, when I know in fact that this is not so, yet I would sabotage myself
by imagining such a scenario within a judgment of
the class being easy, or myself being smart and experienced and more advanced
in my studies than this class is designed for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge
some classes as easy, when I know through having learned from experience that
even introductory courses require learning concepts, memorizing information,
reading lengthy texts and understanding and integrating new information, and
can be just as difficult, or require just as much application as the more
advanced classes I have taken.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as
more advanced because I have taken more difficult courses than the ones I am
currently in, wherein I lead myself to imagine that these courses should be
easier, when in fact I have seen that such a tendency to imagine the work being
easy for me has only ever created the opposite effect, because I approached the
work within the belief that I would not have to apply myself as much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach any work
within the belief that I will not have to apply myself as much, within the assumption that applying
myself takes more effort, when in fact applying myself only requires me to be
present while I am working, and not applying myself is simply me allowing
myself to be lazy, to be preoccupied, to be distracted and to be 'up in my mind'
fantasizing and day dreaming
which is always avoiding real life and creating more work and more consequences
for myself. Thus, I see, realize and understand that fully applying myself is a
skill that becomes ‘easier’ as I practice it, while avoiding applying myself
always creates more work for myself soon after.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try/attempt to justify
for myself reasons to be lazy and avoid applying myself, such as ‘I have
already done the hard stuff’ and ‘this work will be easier,’ instead of seeing,
realizing and understanding that within approaching work from a starting point
of equality and oneness, all work is the same in terms of Who I Am within doing the
work, as I will not accept Who I Am as lazy and as avoidance within anything I
do, within this:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand as Who I
Am as equal and one with/as presence and awareness, diligence, patience and
discipline within my starting point when and as I approach schoolwork.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand within a
starting point of laziness and avoidance within doing my schoolwork/approaching
doing work.

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About Me

Hi, my name is Kimberly Kline (nee Doubt). I stand for an Equal Money System- I stand for a dignified life for all beings and I will no longer accept or allow this system of human greed and self-interest that is causing suffering, starvation and abuse for the masses. Every 'solution' we have tried so far has failed- from the United Nations to the United Church. Individual self-change and leadership by example is where it's at. I humbly commit myself to this process and invite anyone who has respect for Life to join me and walk with me, beside me, as self-willed equals, until all are free from the global compromise humanity has created for itself.
Join Desteni for further discussions about world systems and humanity's place within them. Visit Desteni.org and Equalmoney.org.