Category Archives: Uncategorized

The season’s half over and I’m torn between drowning my sorrows by binge eating Snickers Minis from the trick or treat bag, and being thankful that I’ll soon have some extra time to learn new skills, like paying attention to my young children.

If you’ve ever sat up late on the night after a time change, exhausted from a long day at work, watching your hapless team lose in overtime, you know that football is not a game for the weak. That’s what I told my boy as he cried himself to sleep in his Andrew Luck jersey. Then I showed him this and told him there would be an NFL Dance Party later in the blog.

On a positive note, Peyton Manning is still Peyton F-ing Manning. For those of you geniuses who want to start telling me about how Brady has more rings or Rogers has a better playoff record, let me blow a few facts your way –

A week off at Disney World is no vacation, dear readers, and as much as you may have missed your weekly Hail Mary fix, just be glad I can piece together the energy to type two paragraphs after my time in the Magic Kingdom.

If you’re not a “Disney person” – and I’m decisively not – you still will probably make the trek to Orlando at least once in your life, and before I delve into football, I feel I’d be doing a disservice if I didn’t offer you my observations about this American rite of passage. So here they are, a few Hail Mary Disney World Deep Thoughts –

There are a lot of people out there who are rollin in wheelchairs or rascal scooters because they are too large and lazy to walk. Yes, we as a people have gotten to the point where the physical act of walking is too much of a challenge for us. Couldn’t be prouder of ‘Merica.

The whole Straight Outta Compton graphic thing has gotten out of control. I’d guess one in ten people have some type of “Straight Outta Disney” shirt on and I could literally feel the ground shaking from Easy E doing flips in his grave. No, fine parkgoers, N.W.A. does not stand for “Nicely Walt Animated” and you should not be wearing shirts that preempt the logo from the most groundbreaking rap group of all time. Leave that to the Raiders fans.

This week we celebrate the old men of the NFL with a meme tribute. Old people love memes, like your crazy conservative aunt who sends you them about six times daily, usually featuring Obama being all Muslim and taking our guns away.

I completely love the funny memes people whip up; if you have time on your hands, spend some time checking out people who have even more time on their hands by searching your name with the word “meme” after it. Here’s mine –

This week, if you’re under 30, get back on your Snapchat or your Tinder, hop in your Ford Focus and grab a hit of Molly with Johnny Manziel. It’s time for us old folks to shine!!

Well, it’s happened again. A major confusion about the rules has arguably cost a team a game. Again. This time, that someone is the Lions, which just proves that Detroit can’t have nice things. The lucky beneficiary of the non-call? Why, our old friends the Seattle Seahawks, who once again hit pay dirt on an official’s blunder on a Sunday night game – Fail Mary, anyone? Now, it’s not Seattle’s fault that this has happened on their home turf again. It just always leaves me wondering why the good teams seem to get all the breaks. Don’t get me started…

Football officials are commonly called “referees” but there is actually only one referee on the field. There are also umpires, linesman and various judges on the team of seven officials.

Rules in the NFL are extremely complicated. Rules enforcement in the NFL is extremely complicated. Officials have a case book with more than 1,000 plays and rules that apply to all of them.

And last year, they got calls right 95.9 percent of the time, according to the league’s evaluators. With an average salary of $173,000 and many only working part time, all I can say is I certainly hope so. Yes, officials are human and as long as they are, the next victim could be your team.

Team’s record getting you down? Take heart, football lovers. So many good teams are 0-2 right now, it’s almost en vogue. It gives you reason for optimism, right?

Well, pump the brakes, sports fans. Chances are that your team will not be making the playoffs. In fact, teams that are 0-2 after the first two games have historically only made the post season 11% of the time.

This year’s slate, however, is chock full of top-rated squads like the Colts, Seahawks, Ravens, Saints and Eagles, along with question mark clubs like the Bears, Lions, Texans, and Giants.

Shockingly, the Jaguars, Browns, Raiders and other perennial bottom feeders are not 0-2, and the Ryan Fitzpatrick-led Jets are 2-0 and looking solid. So…football is football and that’s why we love it. Parity rules the league and 0-2 is no cause for alarm.

Still, I will be bringing my secret weapon to Tennessee this Sunday to cheer for my Colts, in the form of a cute eight year old boy who I guarantee knows more about football than you.

The NFL’s first week is in the books, and most fans are either really high or really low at the moment. That’s because the natural tendency is to completely overreact and declare your team dead in the water, or go ahead and purchase your ticket to San Fran for this years Super Bowl. Let’s talk about the top headlines for the week – things that people are freaking out over –

Peyton Manning is terrible

Reality – he is the greatest

Marcus Mariota is the best QB in the league

Reality – he is a talented rookie on a mediocre team who will stumble

The Bills are the best

Reality – they did a convincing job on the Colts, but can they get past the Pats this weekend?

The Raiders are the worst

Reality – this may be true

Adrian Peterson and Jamaal Charles can no longer run

Reality – keep them on your fantasy team, they’ll be fine

Carlos Hyde can

Reality – he looked good as the 49ers exceeded expectations

OMGOMGOMG Johnny Football is playing

Reality – he is going to fail, sooner rather than later

This is typical hyperbole but I recommend you check in about week four. Just think, last year at this time the Seahawks and Patriots were already declared done, and look how that worked out.

The NFL regular season starts Thursday and for all of us who have been waiting patiently (read: desperately watching both The Bachelorette AND Bachelor Pad on Monday nights) it could not have come soon enough.

No more endless droning on about Deflategate. And for those of you who still have any doubt that cheating is indeed a recurring issue with this bunch, Check out this week’s ESPN expose for yet another take on the organization that will always have an asterisk. Unless you’re from Boston, of course!

Yes, New York Post sketch artist. He is.

And no more talking heads speculating 24/7 about Tim Tebow’s future in the league. I could have hit fast forward for you six months ago – spoiler alert – he doesn’t make it.

Football is back! And as we begin the painful march from training camp to preseason to (whenwillitgetherepleaseletitgethere) the actual NFL season, it’s the time to start observing trends and consistencies that will shape our favorite teams for months to come.

There is one thing that’s as ubiquitous in August as an Arian Foster injury or a non-conference scrimmage brawl. Yes, I’m talking about the training camp bucket hat, a staple in the hot sun for the past few years.

Once a fashion faux pas reserved for the likes of Gillian and J.J. from good times, the bucket hat has emerged as the headpiece of choice for hardworking players. And although almost every team rocked the buckets this year, some did it with just more style and flair than the rest.

First, some fun facts –

Bucket hats have been around since the early 1900s, mostly for soldiers, but did not become a fashion item until adopted by women in the 1960s. The 1980s saw the emergence of bucket hats as street fashion, then rap culture and finally the football field. They are commonly referred to as Dixie Cup Hats in the Navy!

Now, to the good stuff. Let’s see who wore the bucket hat best, vs. who got taken for a three hour tour.

Geno Smith

Note the lack of chin strap. A little added protection, and perhaps things could have turned out a little differently.