Category Archives: Comic

Aso Rock Villa. Yoruba music-themed day in one of the expansive presidential reception rooms. Ebenezer Obey is crooning from a sophisticated sound system:

A l’owo ma j’aiye

Eyin le mo

Awon to j’aiye l’ana da

Won ti ku won ti lo

(If you have serious money

And you don’t enjoy life to the hilt

That is your fucking business

Those who enjoyed life yesterday

Are dead and gone today)

General party atmosphere and genteel conversations in the ajebutter mode of the rich and powerful. Baba’s raucous peals of laughter are the only throwback to unpolished bush mannerisms. In the room, the usual suspects: President Goodluck Jonathan, Mrs. Patience Jonathan, Baba Olusegun Obasanjo, General Ibrahim Babangida, General Abdulsalami Abubakar, General T.Y. Danjuma, Chief Tony Anenih, all kinds of rebel Governors, representatives of the Northern Elders’ Forum, plenty of food, plenty of drinks, and assorted aides carrying the cellphones of their principals. President Jonathan can be heard above Ebenezer Obey’s financial advice:

“Ah, Baba himself! For the Baba himself! Ladies and gentlemen, it’s amazing how we all here continue to owe our necks and good fortunes to Baba’s quick thinking o!”

“Mr. President, I agree with you. You are absolutely right. I mean, look at me, I’m supposed to be Mr. Fix It. Yet, I was caught completely off guard by that idiot Kano prince. But for Baba’s quick action, we would all have been in a lot of trouble. I doff my hat and heart for Baba o”

(General murmur of agreement across the room.)

“Em, my people, if you praise me too much my head will swell o”

“Ah, Baba, let’s praise you. You deserve it. You have saved the President from a very tight corner.”

“Ok, praise me. It was my usual work of genius. As I sat down at the stadium in Johannesburg for Mandela’s funeral, I kept thinking of the damage that this lunatic Kano prince could potentially do to our plans with his useless letter. Then I thought of the one thing that never fails to work with Nigerians: emotion. You see, no matter how grown up and educated a Nigerian is, you must always remember that his emotion never develops beyond the Choco Milo stage throughout his or her life. Give children Choco Milo and you can divert their attention away from anything. I knew instantly that a letter containing more sensational tsunami than that of the Kano prince would divert their attention from our money. Throwing Nigerians Choco Milo worked for those who ruled them before us; throwing Nigerians Choco Milo has worked for us since we started ruling them; throwing Nigerians Choco Milo will work for our children who will rule Nigerians when we are dead and buried.”

(Thunderous applause in the room)

“Em, Your Excellency President Jonathan.”

“Yes, my dear General IBB.”

“Well, now that Baba has mentioned our money, I think it is time to get down to business. I still need to be in Minna today to receive another APC delegation. You know that those fools literally sleep on my verandah these days.”

“Ah, yes, you’re right General. Gentlemen, the meeting is about to start. If you are not supposed to be here, please exit now.”

“Leave me alone jare Jona. O ti de ju. Must I teach you everything including how to flatter a woman to get her to do anything you want? Start the meeting jare.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, we are all here to review Operation Fifty-Billion-Dollars-For-2015. Now that Baba, through a stroke of genius, has been able to divert the country’s attention away from the money and to his letter, we have to move quickly and discuss the sharing formula.”

“Your Excellency.”

“Yes, Mr. Fix It.”

“First I want to congratulate you for raising the fifty billion dollars.”

“I didn’t raise it o. Nne One and Nne Two did it. I only provided Presidential leverage.”

“Ah, Jona”

“Yes Baba”

“Sorry for interrupting you but how do you go about picking those your Nnes? One bought bulletproof BMWs for some cool dollars and another two have raised fifty billion dollars for 2015. Anyway, Mr. Fix It, you have no mouth to congratulate anybody o. When we put you in works, how much were you able to raise? Now ordinary women have raised fifty billion dollars and you are talking. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

“Baba, please let’s stay on point. General IBB, your opinion?”

“Well, President Jonathan, have you determined the traditional courtesy cut for us the elder statesmen here? How much is going to Baba, General Danjuma, General Abdulsalami, and I? And since General Integrity will never attend these meetings and will reject his share if we send it to him, we can add it to ours. So, as usual, we take our cut first and decide how to disburse the rest for 2015.”

“Yes, General IBB, in view of all the contending issues, I have fixed the traditional courtesy cut for you elders at ten billion dollars. As usual, you will work out the sharing formula among yourselves. We are left with a balance of forty billion dollars. Baba, I hope that works for you?”

“Jona, you know by now that no amount of money works for me but let me not be an agbaya. Let me agree this time. Now let’s move on to these noisemakers in the Northern Elders’ Forum. General Abubakar should handle that side.”

(General Abubakar turns to the representatives of the NEF and speaks)

“Folks, I’m a man of few words. Four years of waiting is nothing if you are busy investing ten billion dollars. Take ten billion dollars and bury your agitation for the Presidency to shift to the North in 2015. You don’t have to openly work for President Jonathan. Just go and get busy investing your share of the ten billion dollars and disappear from circulation. Remember that if you refuse to take this money, he has the might of the Nigerian state and will still rig that election anyway. Guys, grow a brain. Don’t lose both ways. Take ten billion dollars and advise the North to wait for 2019.”

“Okay, General Abdulsalami, we hear you. But this ten billion is for how many of us? Can the President add three oil blocks to it?”

“Alhaji, don’t push it. Ten billion and nothing more. It’s dollars o. The sharing formula is for you members of the executive of the Northern Elders Forum to decide when you get back to Kaduna.”

“Ok. We agree.”

“Your Excellency.”

“Yes, General Abdulsalami.”

“We have the north. Ten billion dollars.”

“Ok. Baba, shey you hear. We are down to thirty billion dollars.”

“Ehen, these rebel rascals, there are seven or eight of them?”

“Well, Baba, they are all here but I don’t know in what combination. They were seven. Then they were five and two, and then they were five and one and one. But we have seven of them here.”

“Jona”

“Yes Baba”

“Give them one billion each and let them go and sempe”

“Sempe?”

“Cool temper.”

“Ah, ok. That makes seven billion dollars. But Sule Lamido already cornered ten billion naira through his sons. Should he also get a billion dollars?”

“Jona, give those boys what I said. By the way, where is Rotimi? Rotimi! Rotimi!”

“You will leave this meeting with one billion dollars. The money is to organize your campaign for the Senate in 2015. Once you leave this meeting, go back to Port Harcourt and engineer how to lose your ongoing battle with the Presidency. You understand that the Presidency must not be seen to have lost out in a battle with a governor.”

“I understand Baba.”

“Okay, Jona, what else do you have for Rotimi.”

“In addition to the one billion dollars, he gets two oil blocks. He gets to continue his association openly with APC but must come back to us once he is elected to the Senate.”

“Rotimi, shey you hear President Jonathan. Do you agree?”

“I agree Baba.”

“Okay, go and arrange how Bipi will impeach you. Protest a little and disappear into APC. See you at the Senate in 2015. Jona, where are we?”

“Okay, we must earmark ten billion dollars for Bode George now that he is completely free to work for us again.”

“Haba Baba! Ten billion dollars for Bode George?”

“Jona, I think you are underestimating the importance of Lagos. Until we take that state, we cannot really say that we own Nigeria even if you win in 2015. You understand that the owner of the treasury of that state is singlehandedly financing APC and poking his rude finger in our noses all the time just because he owns that treasury? Whatever we do, we got to capture that treasury. Capturing the treasury of Lagos state is a do or die affair.”

“But Baba, we can always fly him here in the dead of night and cut another deal.”

“That will be another temporary solution. Bode is the only stormy petrel capable of handling him. But Bode needs money.”

“But Baba, what will ten billion dollars do? Do you know how much the man rakes in monthly from that treasury he owns in Lagos? Lamorde showed me his file last week and I nearly had a heart attack.”

“That is why you will give Bode five oil blocks in addition to the ten billion dollar mobilization fee. Besides, something will work for us. Sooner or later, the people of Lagos will get tired of their money being used to build a personal empire across the southwest. They will begin to insist that the money for Lagos must be spent exclusively on the development of Lagos. Once that happens, we move in for the kill.”

“Okay, Baba, ten billion for Bode George. So, we have run through thrity-seven billion dollars. What about Nne One and Nne Two? Without the extraordinary work of those two women, we won’t be here.”

“Ah, yes, they tried. Encourage them with $1.5 billion each.”

“That’s three billion dollars. We are at forty billion dollars.”

“I think the whole house here would agree that the remaining ten billion dollars should be disbursed at your discretion, Mr. President.”

(Outside the room, some eavesdropping disgruntled aides whisper)

“Chei, Ruby.”

“Wetin now, Renoks?”

“You no hear? The money don remain ten billion dollars o.”

“Ehen?”

“What do you mean ehen?”

“They have not mentioned aides now. And the money don nearly finish. It takes billions to effectively monitor social media these days…”

“Haba, Renoks!”

“Wetin now, Oga Doyin, was I talking to you? I was talking to Oga Ruby.”

“Ole ni e. You are a thief. No respect for elders. Elders are sharing money that will guarantee your future here beyond 2015 and you are doing longa throat. Foolish boy.”

“At least nobody in Benue and Imo states has accused me of contract jibiti.”

“Ehn, Renoks, are you talking to me? Ruby, you are here and this small boy is insulting me? I will…”

(Madam Peshe’s voice screaming from the kitchen interrupts him)

“Renoks! Ruby! Doyin! Where are these boys when you need them? Renoks! Ruby! Doyin! Have you set the table?”

“But, Prof, you have to admit that I am being discriminated against by the media because I am a Hausa-Fulani man.”

“How so?”

“Haba, Prof, are you kidding me? I successfully stole N1.3 billion from the coffers of Kebbi state and it has hardly made a blip on the national media radar. You think the media would ignore me if I was an Igbo woman?”

“I’m not sure that your Hausa-Fulani ethnicity and gender have anything to do with the media blackout on your illustrious looting career. After all, your brother, Farouk Lawan and his cap got fantastic media coverage.”

“Why else would the media ignore me totally, Prof?”

“It could be because you are stealing from a backward almajiri state that can only make national headlines through Boko Haram. Only national thieves make the headlines in mainstream media nowadays. There are so many of you in Nigeria that there ain’t nearly enough space to squeeze in every thief in the land. You have to find a way to go and steal in Abuja and maybe also accompany the Vice President on his next pilgrimage to Mecca. If your ambition does not rise beyond stealing from Kebbi, you cannot expect national media coverage o. You cannot be playing for Kano pillars and expect media coverage like you are playing for Barcelona.”

“Ah, I like your analogous, Prof”

“You mean analogy?”

“Ah, yes, analogy! But what about you Prof, you didn’t even write anything about me. Is your blackout also because I’m looting the treasury of a backward state that never makes national news? Do you write only about Federal thieves?”

“No, Dakingari, I write about all the thieves in Nigeria irrespective of tribe, gender, and creed. You are just unlucky that your case came up after I made my Unoka Resolution”

“Unoka Resolution? Prof, who is Unoka?”

“You know your brother, Sule Lamido in Jigawa?”

“Ah, na san shi mana. I know him very well”

“You know that he and his sons stole N10 billion from the treasury of Jigawa state. Yet, they have not come to wake me up in the morning and cry that I have not written about their remarkable heist. Our elders say that the sun will shine on those standing before it shines on those kneeling beneath them. I pay attention now to only those who steal five billion and above. I no longer have time for petty thieves like you. You stole N1.3 billion and I will not hear word. Go back to Kebbi and add N4 billion to it and you will earn a column from me”

“Ok, I will try Prof. But you have not told me about that Unoka o. Where is he? Is he the person that will write about me if I steal N5 billion successfully from Kebbi state treasury?”

NOTE: The titling was by me. The story was culled from the Facebook page of Prof. Pius Adesanmi

Blog owner is on Twitter: @Femiolas

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One of the things I love most about Nigeria is its differentness; that peculiar quality that is the reason why everything that is abnormal and unacceptable in every other place in the world is normal and acceptable in Naija, and vice versa. Without doubt, there’s a lot that is quirky about us. Let’s take four completely random examples: traffic, mental illness, potholes and ghost workers.

It’s not every town or city in Nigeria that has traffic congestion as a problem, but what we lack in traffic in the sleepy, rustic towns in the South-West or their far-flung counterparts in the North, is more than compensated for by the sheer monstrosity of Lagos traffic.

There’s no logic or pattern to the traffic in Lagos, for sure. Or else, how do you explain how an accident occurs on the Mainland-Island axis of the Third Mainland Bridge and the holdup is on…

People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they are headed for the cafeteria. People with newspapers in their hands look like they are headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do.

2. Use computers to look busy:

Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, update Facebook status, chat and have a blast on Twitter and other social networks without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they are not bad either. When you get caught by your boss – and you will get caught – your best defence is to claim that you are teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training expenses.

3. Have a messy desk:

Only top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile papers and files high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Don’t always pick your call and use voicemail:

Rarely pick your call and use voicemail most times. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want you to do work for them. That is no way to live. Screen all your calls through voicemail. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they are not there – it looks like you are hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel.

5. Look impatient and annoyed:

According to George Costanza, you should always try to look impatient and annoyed to give off the impression that you are always busy.

6. Leave the office late:

Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important e-mail at unearthly hours (i.e. 9:35 p.m., 7:05 a.m., etc.) and during public holidays.

7. Creative sighing for effect:

Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8. Have a stacking strategy:

It’s not enough to pile documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor (thick computer manuals are the best), etc.

9. Build your vocabulary:

Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember; they don’t have to understand what you are saying, but you sure sound impressive.

10. Do not forward this to your boss:

Except you have found a new job, do not forward this Gospel to your boss by mistake.

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The Nigerian god is one. It may have many different manifestations, but it is essentially different sides of the same coin. Sometimes, adherents of the different sides may fight and kill each other. But Nigerians essentially follow the Nigerian god.

This article is for all those who want to become better worshipers. If you are a new or prospective convert, God will bless you for choosing the Nigerian god. This is just how you must worship him.

First, you must understand that being a worshipper has nothing to do with character, good works or righteousness. So the fact that you choose to open every meeting with multiple prayers does not mean that you intend to do what is right. The opening prayer is important. Nothing can work without it. If you are gathered to discuss how to inflate contracts, begin with an opening prayer or two. If you are gathered to discuss how to rig elections, begin with a prayer. The Nigerian god appreciates communication.

When you sneak away from your wife to call your girlfriend in the bathroom, and she asks if you will come this weekend, you must say—in addition to “Yes”—“By God’s grace” or “God willing”. It doesn’t matter the language you use. Just add it. The Nigerian god likes to be consulted before you do anything, including a trip to Obudu to see your lover.

When worshipping the Nigerian god, be loud. No, the Nigerian god is not hard of hearing. It is just that he appreciates your loud fervour, like he appreciates loud raucous music. The Nigerian god doesn’t care if you have neighbours and neither should you. When you are worshipping in your house, make sure the neighbours can’t sleep. Use loud speakers even if you are only two in the building. Anyone who complains must be evil. God will judge such a person.

Attribute everything to the Nigerian god. So, if you diverted funds from public projects and are able to afford that Phantom, when people say you have a nice car, say, “Na God”. If someone asks what the secret of all your wealth is, say, “God has been good to me”. By this you mean the Nigerian god who gave you the uncommon wisdom to re-appropriate public funds.

Consult the Nigerian god when you don’t feel like working. The Nigerian god understands that we live in a harsh climate where it is hard to do any real work. So, if you have no clue how to be in charge and things start collapsing, ask people to pray to God and ask for his intervention.

The Nigerian god loves elections and politics. When you have bribed people to get the Party nomination, used thugs to steal and stuff ballot boxes, intimidated people into either sitting at home or voting for you, lied about everything from your assets to your age, and you eventually, (through God’s grace), win the elections, you must begin by declaring that your success is the wish of God and that the other candidate should accept this will of God. It is not your fault whom the Nigerian god chooses to reward with political success. How can mere mortals complain?

The Nigerian god does not tolerate disrespect. If someone insults your religion, you must look for anyone like them and kill them. Doesn’t matter what you use—sticks, machetes, grenade launchers, IED’s, AK47’s.

The Nigerian god performs signs and wonders. He does everything from cure HIV to High BP. And the Nigerian god is creative: he can teach a person who was born blind the difference between blue and green when the man of god asks, and he can teach a person born deaf instant English. As a worshipper you must let him deliver you because every case of sickness is caused by evil demons and not infections. Every case of barrenness is caused by witches and has no scientific explanation. So instead of hospital, visit agents of the Nigerian god. But the Nigerian god does not cure corruption. Do not attempt to mock him.

If you worship the Nigerian god, you are under no obligation to be nice or kind to people who are not worshippers. They deserve no courtesy.

The Nigerian god is also online. As a worshipper, you are not obliged to be good or decent on Facebook or twitter all week except on Friday and Sunday, both of which the Nigerian god marks as holy. So you may forward obscene photos, insult people, forward lewd jokes on all days except the holy days. On those holy days, whichever applies to you, put up statuses saying how much you are crazy about God.

These days, the Nigerian god also permits tweets and Facebook updates like: “Now in Church” or “This guy in front of me needs to stop dozing” when performing acts of worship.

In all, the Nigerian god is very kind and accommodating. He gives glory and riches and private jets. And if you worship him well, he will immensely bless your hustle.

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Jonathan: word used to describe shoelessness, cluelessness and hopelessness in leadership

Election: A means of resetting the musical chair of politicians involved in the stealing game.

Cabal: The highest, biggest and greatest decision making body in Nigeria.

Presidency: A word used to describe an Automated Condolence machine which condemns acts of terrorism and corruption on a daily basis

GCFR: GRAND CRIMINAL OF THE FEDERAL REPUBLIC. A national award given to the Cheerleader of Corruption.

Committee: a secret code language used in calling the president’s men to Come-and-eat (can also be spelt as (Com-eat-eee)

Farouki: the art of extortion and bribe taking. (Can be used in a sentence… E.g…The policeman Faroukied the bus driver)

Campus: A training camp for future pastors, politicians and prostitutes.

Activist: A man who still wears a safari suit even when the temperature is over 100 degrees centigrade.

Daddy (in the Lord): A general overseer who has walked on top of water just to show off.

Deacon/Deaconess: A title you get when you are too contaminated to be a pastor and yet too valuable- for your tithe – to be an ordinary floor member.

Faroukas: New currency printed by the cabal. It is used in describing bribe money whether in local or foreign currency (eg F620,000 or six hundred and twenty thousand Faroukas)

EFCC: Dog that barks but doesn’t have teeth

Bus Evangelists: A title given to a man or woman who uses buses for his/her church receives tithes and offerings from commuters and screams a lot.

PDP Youth Circuit: A process of seamlessly mashing the new breed politicians with the old breed without leaving a stretch mark.

Friends of a politician: Groupies willing to be gang-raped for a drop of juice from a politician’s table. (Eg Friends of Goodluck, Association of Goodluck’s Facebook friends)

Ruben Abati: A man who holds the top spot on the Guinness book of records for issuing the highest number of condolence messages within six months

Honorable: A title given to those who are allergic to honor, dignity or integrity

Immunity:A bullet proof vest given as a baptismal gift to armed robbers.Intellectuals: People whose job is to think backwards for their country, speak big english and get paid in dollars

Condemn: newly discovered Weapon of Mass destruction by the current Nigerian regime for bringing the perpetrators of dastardly acts to book.

Twitter: A country in Nigeria where public office holders are widely hated and Subbed. It is filled with rebels of all kinds, NB: its also known in some political circles as a security threat or a breeding ground for terrorists (boko haram).

Junk: The thing stuffed inside the brain compartment of an average Nigerian politician. Researchers at the Moshood Abiola University believe it is made of saw dust soaked in cunning fluid.

Harvard: A foreign university saddled with the responsibility of producing economic hit men and women for Nigeria

Wey Yellow: a free pass to all police checkpoints applicable nationwide (explanation; There’s always a cop with that nickname in 9 out of 10 patrol units… If you ask,they assume you are pals with him&go easy on you)

National Assembly: A meeting place for ex-thugs, ex-convicts and dishonorable men who earn $1,000,000 a year. There they decide if it is time for millions of $1 a day earners to be paid $2 a day.

Edwin Clark: A politician who has mastered the art of keeping himself trending by pissing down his leg.

PDP: Modern day evil!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Personal Assistant: A well-dressed politicians’ baby sitter who also picks up laundry from the drycleaners

Pundits: Journalism equivalent of charge-and-bail lawyers.

Radical: A Ranting politician with no record of doing anything specific while in government.

Security Vote: An unspecified amount of money given to governors and other chief executives to encourage them to steal government money.

Sting Operation: A secret service operation that could be made up to exist even if it never existed; usually done with the aim of embarrassing those embarrassing the cabal.

Testimony: Public rehearsal of wannabe Nollywood actors, typically in front of a church’s congregation.

Yabiswako: unknown twitter overlord.

Youth Corpers: Lambs sacrificed on the altar of national unity. Usually youths sent to dangerous parts of the country the Commander-In-Chief will never set foot in.

Devils Dictionary: the crazy imaginations of a mischievous Nigerian youth

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The Overlord eyed the contingent with a look of disdain. They called themselves The Justice League, and were representatives of The People’s Parliament. They had come to serve him a warning. “Pursue justice and eschew evil; or else, the League will be forced to move against you.”

He laughed. This beggarly bunch? Made up of five men and one woman? Move against him? Did they know who he was? He rose from his throne like chair at the apex of the room and made a pronouncement, “I am the Overlord of the Federal Republic. If you think you can bamboozle me, you are sorely mistaken. I will deal ruthlessly with you, because I don’t give a damn!”

The delegation from the Justice League were taken aback. Had the Overlord taken leave of his senses? Didn’t he realize that The People’s Parliament was the highest civil authority in the land? Overlords will come…