Get All Worked Up About Campaign 2008 (Again)

“Why do all my political conversations with you revolve around sex,” asked my friend the Missionary.

“You guys started it,” I said. “You’re the ones who turned the Republican Party into the Homophobic He-Man Woman Haters’ Club.”

I’ve mentioned the Missionary before, how he’s deeply ingrained into the leadership of the Holy Terrors, the fundamentalist Christian cabal that’s got a chokehold on the G.O.P. I’ve also mentioned how he feels compelled to try to bring me over to his way of thinking, and how I’ve always found him a useful source of information.

We were sitting in a little bar and grill just off Interstate 25, midway between Denver and Boulder. Normally, The Missionary insists I meet him in the woods behind a rest stop, but lately I’ve noticed there’s a certain raccoon hanging around when we talk, and he’s been giving me the bug-eyes. Since I’m not keen on rabies shots, this time I insisted the Missionary meet me someplace where we could toss back a couple of frosty brews.

It was most likely the last chance we’d get to meet face-to-face before the election. Now that James Dobson and his ilk had given their blessing to the holy union of Sen. John McCain and Gov. Sarah Palin, The Missionary was throwing all his time and energy into getting that cute couple into the White House.

After Senator McCain had first selected Governor Palin to be his running mate, The Missionary, knowing I’ve been a Hillary Clinton fan since way back, had expressed the hope that I’d gladly switch my vote to the now only Presidential ticket with a one-to-one penis-vagina ratio.

To this suggestion, I said, “HA! Dream on!”

Now, sitting in this bar together, drinking beer and listening to that fucking Kenny Chesney song “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy” for the fifteenth fucking time, The Missionary and I found ourselves, oddly enough, commiserating about the sorry state of things and, specifically, about Governor Sarah Palin.

“What gets me,” I said, “is the hypocrisy of it all.”

“You always say that,” said the Missionary as he drained his fourth mug of Corona Light and waved the bartender over for another refill.

“First, let’s face it. McCain picked Palin just because she’s a woman. He seemed to think we Clinton supporters were only interested in the fact that she’s a woman, when that’s the only thing she has in common with Hillary Clinton. On every single issue, she and Sen. Clinton are in direct opposition. McCain must think we’re a bunch of idiots.”

The Missionary said nothing and instead only sipped his newly-refilled glass of beer.

I continued. “Then, there’s the fact that this woman is just about the most unqualified candidate for Vice-President since Dan Quayle, and that’s saying a lot.”

“I’m pretty sure she can spell the word ‘potato,’” said The Missionary.

“I’m sure she can, and she can find Russia on a map too, but she seems completely uninterested and unprepared to be President if it comes to that. And it’s not just her lack of qualifications, it’s the fact that the Republican Spin Machine is working overtime to package her as being right for the job. The whole ‘Alaska’s-right-next-to-Russia-so-she’s-a-foreign-policy-expert’ thing and the ‘I-said-no-thanks-to-the-bridge-to-nowhere’ bullshit is just another example of how the Powers That Be are willing to give us a pleasant-sounding lie rather than the truth.” I took a long drink of my Samuel Adams Honey Porter and said, “You know what Sarah Palin is? She’s a bimbo.”

“A what?” asked the Missionary.

“A bimbo,” I said. “She’s like one of those spokesmodels you see at car shows who’s just supposed to stand there and look pretty and draw in the potential customers and extol the virtues of the vehicle going around on the turntable. In this case, of course, the vehicle’s a Model T Ford. Or even a horse and buggy. She doesn’t have to say anything, she doesn’t have to do anything, she just has to stand there and look pretty. In fact, she reminds me of that old saying, ‘It’s better to stay silent and have people think you’re an idiot, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.’ She’s the political incarnation of Vanna White.”

“That’s not fair, J.T.,” said The Missionary. “She’s the chief executive of the state of Alaska. She makes decisions all the time.”

The Missionary said, “Wait a minute. You liberals are always saying we shouldn’t get into politicians’ personal lives. That’s getting personal.”

“And you conservatives had no problem getting into personal lives when you were talking about Bill Clinton’s infidelities. Anyway, like you yourselves say, this goes right into Sarah Palin’s ability to govern and her political judgment.”

The Missionary took a good, long swig of his beer. “Oh, really? This ought to be good.”

I said, “Listen closely. Sarah Palin’s seventeen year old daughter had premarital sex, got pregnant, and is expected to soon marry the baby’s father, Levi Johnston.”

“So?”

“So, Governor Sarah Palin adamantly pushes for ‘abstinence-only’ sex education, which has been proven to be far and away the least effective form of sex education. In fact, students who take abstinence-only sex ed are actually MORE likely to get pregnant than the kids who get comprehensive sex ed.”

“Well, they’re getting married,” said the Missionary. “You’ve got to give them credit for that. They’re not getting an abortion.”

I said, “That’s another part of the problem. Never mind the fact that Sarah Palin is vehemently anti-choice. Those two kids are getting married. And don’t think they have any say in the matter, either. This woman likes shooting wolves from airplanes. You don’t think she’ll be polishing her shotgun during the wedding ceremony?”

“What’s your point?”

I said, “These two teenagers are getting married. Teenagers. I came across a New York Times article last month that talked about a Centers For Disease Control study. It seems that teenagers who get married, for any reason, have a 48% chance of getting divorced within ten years. That compares to a divorce rate of about half that for people who wait until after they turn 25 to get married.”

The Missionary said, “Again, what’s your point?”

“Governor Sarah Palin has pushed a sex education policy that doesn’t work, and her daughter is living proof of the consequences of that failed policy. She’s pushing her daughter to get married, even though the evidence suggests that marriage has an enormous chance of failure. And yet, despite all this evidence that Governor Palin’s policies are failures, SHE’S STILL ADVOCATING THOSE POLICIES. Either she’s ignorant of the facts or she doesn’t care, and in either case, her daughter and her unborn grandchild will suffer the consequences.”

The Missionary shrugged. “At least she’s being consistent with her beliefs.”

I said, “Ralph Waldo Emerson said that ‘a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.’ Sarah Palin is a little mind in a beauty queen’s body. She’s a bimbo.”

The Missionary laughed. “I don’t see it that way. Governor Palin has been stamped and approved by James Dobson and the rest of the people you call ‘Holy Rollers.’ We love her. She’s a fundamentalist and a true conservative and she lives the values she espouses. In fact, I’ve got a completely different problem with her candidacy as Vice-President.”

“What the hell is that,” I asked.

The Missionary snickered, as if he’d just remembered a favorite joke. “One of the reasons we like Sarah Palin so much is the fact that Senator McCain is seventy-two years old and he’s had at least four episodes of skin cancer. If something were to happen to him, we have every confidence that she’ll be able to step in and really take charge.” He took another swig of his beer.

He said, “I’m just worried that once McCain and Palin get into the White House, he’ll actually live to fill out both of his terms. I’m worried about what might happen if he DOESN’T die in office.”

We were quiet for a moment. All I could think of to say after that was, “Bartender, let me have another Sam Adams, and bring me a shot of Jim Beam to go with it.”

About the Author: J.T.Benjamin says, "I'm a generalist. I write about
what interests me, which is just about everything." His resume reflects the diversity of
his interests. He's been a disk jockey, insurance salesman, private investigator, journalist,
college professor, child advocate, political activist, truckdriver, thief,...doctor, lawyer,
Indian Chief. He's currently trying to start a hippie commune in the Denver/Boulder area.
Email: J.T. Benjamin