On being ...

I've written On being ... as an e-colum for a couple years. On the urging of many, I've decided it's time to make it a blog.
My goal is to take readers out of their busy day for a few minutes, offering humorous, insightful reflections and observations on human nature and everyday life.
In short, On being ... focuses awareness on “being” one’s authentic self and living life with purpose and intention.

2/15/2018

On being ... port-able?

By Ingrid Sapona

In this era of passwords and PIN numbers, it’s a real
challenge to remember them all. One number I bet you remember is the phone
number at your house growing up. In my case, that phone number has been around
for over 50 years and until today, it’s been the one that rang at my Mom’s
house.

Phone numbers have been a topic of discussion around here of
late. Last year one of my sisters gave me her old cell phone and she added me
to her U.S. cell plan. I don’t use that phone a lot – just when I’m in the
States. In fact, I use it so seldom, I can never remember the number. That can
be embarrassing when I ask someone to call me back, but then I can’t tell them what
number to call. Ugh.

When my sister and I initially talked about her adding me to
her plan, I assumed I’d get a number with a Texas area code, as that’s where
she lives. To my surprise, she ended up getting me a number with a Buffalo area
code. She figured that made sense because I’d use the phone mainly when I’m visiting
Mom in Buffalo. So, I always think of that phone as my “Buffalo cell”.

I was actually pretty amazed that she could just pick the
area code she wanted for the cell. I had never heard of that. I always assumed a
phone number has some connection to the billing location. But I guess – at least
with cell phones – that’s not necessarily the case any more.

I wasn’t around when phone numbers started with an actual
location, but from the song “Pennsylvania 6-5000” I know that they used to. (Apparently
Pennsylvania 6-5000 was a phone exchange for the area around Penn Station in
New York.) I AM old enough to remember a variation of that name/number
convention because people in our neighborhood used to say their phone numbers
with letters in the first two places, rather than numbers. So, for example, our
phone number started with “NX4”, followed by the last four digits.

At some point I noticed everyone in our neighborhood had a
phone number that started with “NX”. After that, I started paying attention to telephone
prefixes (that’s what I call the first three numbers after the area code) because
I realized they gave you a general idea of where a person or business might be
located. In the days before GPS, knowing that was pretty helpful. And, on the
flip side, if you knew the prefix for a certain area, it was easier to remember
the number of someone you knew who lived in that area.

When I bought my condo in 2007 I was hoping to keep my phone
number because it was also my business number. But, I knew I was moving outside
the area I always associated with the phone prefix I had. Sadly, when I
inquired, I learned I’d be assigned a new number.

Facing loss of the number that had been my business number
for over 10 years, I got a little creative. I asked whether my business number,
which was a land line, could become my cell phone number. That was doable
because, by then, you could “port” an existing number to a cell phone. I was
tickled. Sure, it meant the added expense of a cell phone (remember, in 2007
cell phones weren’t as ubiquitous as they are today), but it was worth it to me
to keep my business number.

Now, back to the Buffalo cell… There are times when it’s
come in handy, but with two cells it’s very easy to miss texts and messages because
one cell is usually turned off to avoid roaming charges. Believe me, I completely
understand Hillary Clinton’s (some would say questionable) decision to use just
one cell! Anyway, about a month ago my sister told me she’s planning on
switching cell providers. Her new plan will cover North America for calling,
text, and data and she’s offered to add the Buffalo cell to the new plan, if I
want it. I thanked her for the generous offer, but I asked for some time to
consider it.

In thinking about it, I realized much of my ambivalence
comes from not liking the Buffalo cell number and having no sense of connection
to it. I wondered if I’d use that phone more if it was a number I liked. That’s
when I had the idea of porting our long-time family phone number to the Buffalo
cell, given that we’d otherwise lose the number when the phone is disconnected prior
to the house closing. I mentioned this to my sisters and they both loved the
idea of one of us keeping that number “in the family”. Technology being what it
is, as of this afternoon, the family phone number is now the number of the Buffalo
cell.

I don’t know about you, but I find stuff like “porting”
phone numbers and area codes that don’t necessarily relate to a specific area strange,
albeit kinda cool. Of course, to make the most of what’s possible you have to
think outside the conventions and norms you grew up with AND you have to be
willing to ask.

1/30/2018

On being … of use

By Ingrid Sapona

The late comedian George Carlin had a great routine about
“stuff”. If you aren’t familiar with it – or if you haven’t seen it for awhile
(it goes back more than 30 years!) – check it out on YouTube. (I bet it’s the
funniest five minutes you’ll have today!)

The most memorable point Carlin made in that bit was the
idea that each of us see our “stuff” as things of value, but we see other
peoples’ stuff as junk. That thought echoes in my head whenever I begin going
through my things with an eye toward donating stuff I no longer need.

Of course, a little self-censorship when deciding what to
pass along and what to put in the garbage bin is a good thing. After all, no
charity wants that oven mitt with the hole in the thumb, or the half-full tubes
of acrylic paint from that art class you took a couple years ago – that stuff is
junk. But what about the half-used rolls of Christmas wrap, or the dozens of Altoids
tins you’ve got floating around in a desk drawer? Many would see those things as
junk, but a crafter may have some use for them.

Over the past year I wrote about clearing out my Mom’s house
in preparation for selling it. If all goes well, the closing will happen in
February. So, I’ve been reflecting on the work that’s led up to this happy/sad
point. Most of the work related to dealing with the 50+ years worth of “stuff” in
the house and my efforts to minimize what went to landfill. Or, as I preferred
to think of it – finding the right place for all our stuff.

Some of it was easy. For example, two dozen boxes of books went
to a charity book sale. A refugee resettlement group got lots of the home
furnishing. We also did kind of an estate sale (basically an up-scale garage
sale that someone else runs for you). Boxes of crafting odds and ends went to
an elementary school art teacher we knew, and so on. But, in the end, there was
stuff that ended up going into the recycle bin or the trash.

There was one outlet for getting rid of stuff a friend told
me about that I didn’t get a chance to use, but that I have been fascinated
about since – it’s called freecycling. Trash Nothing is a freecycle network that has groups all over the place. Members of the group
post messages describing items they’re giving away (offers) or stuff they’re
looking for (wants). No selling or trading is allowed – all items must be
offered free. Members contact each other directly and the person who wants what
someone is offering arranges to pick it up.

You have to be a member of the group to post, and membership
is usually limited to folks who live in the same area. I joined a Trash Nothing
group where Mom’s house is. Unfortunately, I didn’t end up using it because it
would have been hard to arrange for folks to pick up stuff I might offer, since
I live out-of-town. But, I love the idea behind Trash Nothing so much, I’ve
continued getting emails about “wants” and “offers”.

I’m intrigued by the things people offer, and humbled by the
things people are seeking. This week, for example, someone posted this offer: “Hundreds
of used (cassette) tapes – metaphysics and self improvement tapes which can be
taped over”. Most of the offers include quite down-to-earth comments,
like that suggestion about being able to tape over the cassettes. Here’s another
one: “Parting with this Coffee pot because we switched over to Keurig and it's
been sitting around taking up precious counter space. It's in Great working
condition, clean, could probably use a new water filter...” Sounds like
she’s gonna miss that coffeemaker, doesn’t it? I’m sometimes struck by the
seemingly trifling things people offer – things that others might unceremoniously
toss into the garbage. Here’s an example of what I mean: “I have many (well
over 30) recipe cards from various meal delivery services. Some from my own
deliveries and most from someone else who gave them to me. I’ve scanned those
I'm using, the originals can go to a new home.”

As for “want” posts, they’re often quite moving, like this
recent one: “Looking for beds, futon, or air mattress for my children. We are
all sleeping on the floor and aren't sleeping too well. We still need dressers,
shelving, table and chairs. Beds are most important. Thanks”. Here’s another: “Mom
of 4 starting over from scratch. In need of everything. 3 year old girl, 11
year old boy, teen girls in need of toys, storage, kitchenware, pots and pans.
Beds, dressers, we literally need everything again. Very grateful for help. …”

And then there are some very practical, straightforward requests,
like this: “I am looking for a medium sized dog crate for a mini-border
collie/Australian shepherd puppy I will be getting soon. I can pick up anywhere
(in the area of the network). Thanks!” I’d never think to ask strangers
for this kind of thing, but I’m sure there are folks whose dogs have outgrown
their crate, so why not let them know you need one.

The Trash Nothing posts are a great reminder that just
because something – some stuff – is no longer of use to you, it doesn’t mean
it’s junk. I don’t think folks who participate in Trash Nothing networks are necessarily
out to prove George Carlin wrong, but …

So, if you’ve ever doubted that anyone else might have a use
for junk – er, stuff – you no longer want, there’s an easy way to find out:
just offer it on a freecycle network. I bet there’s someone out there who’d find
a use for the stuff.

12/30/2017

On being … 2017’s year-end retrospective

By Ingrid Sapona

Normally my year-end list is a potpourri of observations
about things I found interesting throughout the year. (And it’s usually fairly
long, as a result.) This year’s list is thematic, instead. (And because of that
– surprisingly short.)

I’m betting most of you won’t have to read too far down the
list to pick up on the theme…

A is for alternative facts.

B is for “believe me” and its new synonym: b.s.

C is for Comey.

D is for dangerous.

E is for echo chamber – perfect for someone who loves their
own voice – bad for democracy.

F is for feckless.

G is for all the toady generals (Flynn, Kelly, Mattis,
McMaster).

H is for hatemongering.

I is for indictment(s) – or maybe this should be under W –
for wishful thinking.

J is for Jarred, or jail (but see P below).

K is for Kelly Ann – see A above.

L is for liar.

M2 is for meanspirited misogynist.

N is for nasty.

O is for obsessed.

P is for post truth – and pardons (but that depends on I
above).

Q is for quixotic – “in the name of winning”.

R is for reckless.

S is for Spicer, Scaramucci, self-serving, and scary.

T is for twit who twitters.

U is for unpredictable.

V is for vindictive.

W is for wanton disregard for the truth and for reality.

X is for xenophobic (normally X is the hardest letter… not
for 2017!).

Y is for year – hard to believe it’s not even been a full
year since we were told it was “the largest audience ever to witness an
inauguration, period, both in person and around the globe”.

Z is for zealot.

Whew – what a year, eh? Sad thing is, I fear 2017 was just a
prelude – foreshadowing of things to come. Hope we make it through 2018, 2019,
2020 and beyond…

12/15/2017

On being … a recipe for happiness

By Ingrid Sapona

If you’re thinking of buying me an Ancestry DNA kit for
Christmas, thanks, but there’s no need. I recently found out I’m Danish. Not
100% Danish – I’ve got a some Greek from Dad’s side and some German from Mom’s side
– but deep down, I’m predominantly Danish.

I got my first inkling I might be at least part Dane earlier
this year from a BBC series called Coast. The series focuses on countries whose
geography is dominated by their coast. It was during an episode on Denmark that
I first heard about “hygge” (roughly pronounced: whoog-eh).

Besides being a funny sounding word (especially as
pronounced by series host Neil Oliver, who has a heavy Scottish accent) I had a
visceral connection to the word. As Oliver described it, to Danes, hygge represents
a kind of cozy, contented happiness. It reminded me of the German notion of gemütlich – a term my mother
often used – and gezellig, a Dutch word. (Funny that all these hard-to-pronounce
words – hygge, gemütlich,
and gezellig, feature hard g sounds.)
But, the way Danes used the word in sentences, hygge clearly looms larger in
the Danish culture than the analogous words to for Germans and Dutch.

After learning the word, I tried introducing it to friends
one afternoon as we relaxed with a drink and some nibbles after a great day on
the lake. My friends listened politely as I explained how the coziness of the
cabin, the sharing of food and drink, the camaraderie of the sail, and the
relaxed conversation all made for hygge. Despite my efforts, they didn’t embrace
the concept the way I did.

Anyway, after that I started hearing references to hygge
here and there in the news. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if you’ve heard it
too, as it’s gotten a fair bit of press this year. One of the reasons non-Danes
have been talking about hygge is because of the possible (actually, I’d say
likely) connection between hygge and the fact that Denmark consistently ranks
among the happiest countries in the world.

So, when I read about The Little Book of Hygge – The Danish
Way to Live Well, I immediately ordered if from the library. Meik Wiking, the
author, is the CEO of the Happiness Research Institute in Copenhagen. (Believe
it or not, it’s a think tank.) Anyway, the audio book came in last week and –
besides enjoying Wiking’s accent – I came to the inescapable conclusion I’ve
got Danish blood flowing through me.

Wiking has been looking at whether hygge is “an overlooked
ingredient in the Danish recipe for happiness”. It’s fascinating stuff. He
compares the meaning and use of hygge to Germans’ use of gemütlich, Dutch use of gezellig,
and even to the way Canadian’s use “homey”. One of the most interesting
differences is how hygge can be both a noun and a verb. Here’s an example he
gives of it used as a verb: “Why don’t you come over and hygge with us
tonight?” (Gemutlich, gezellig, homey, and cozy aren’t used as verbs.)

Another thing that really sets hygge apart from similar words
is how much Danes talk about – and focus on – hygge. Indeed, they even rate
social events in terms of how hyggelige (pronounced: whoo-ge-ly) they are.
Wiking’s conclusion is that hygge is a defining feature of Denmark’s cultural
identity, much the way having a stiff upper lip is part of British cultural
identity, and the way freedom is central to Americans’ identity.

Wiking distilled down the things Danes do to cultivate hygge
and they are all things I’ve always tried to pay attention to. Wiking says it’s
about creating intimacy and taking pleasure from soothing things. It’s also
about being together with loved ones, shielded from the world and able to let your
guard down. And, it can also be about being alone and enjoying some of life’s
simple pleasures, like a cup of tea and some sweets.

The good news is that there’s an art of hygge, which means
that with a little effort, you can bring hygge into your life. Wiking suggests
starting by creating a soothing atmosphere with some candles in a space that’s a
comfortable, cozy refuge from the storms of daily life. Then, invite some
friends and family over to make memories. Be sure to take in the moment and focus
on gratitude and equality. All these things sound simple, straightforward –
perhaps even obvious. But, they’re also things we often let slip from our daily
lives as we rush about.

So, my dear friends, as someone who is reconnecting with the
Dane inside her, my wish for you this holiday season – and all through the
coming year – is that you create some hygge for yourself and for those you care
about. Happy Holidays!

11/30/2017

On being … severe cognitive dissonance

By Ingrid Sapona

I never took psychology in school and I remember that when I
first heard the term “cognitive dissonance”, I didn’t know what it meant, so I
looked it up. (It might well have been before Google and certainly before
Wikipedia.) Even after doing so, I didn’t understand it. I knew it had
something to do with holding contradictory ideas in your mind at one time. I
found that puzzling because we all hold dozens of ideas in our minds at the
same time, and many of them are contradictory.

But, the past couple weeks I’ve come to understand what
cognitive dissonance means because I’ve started experiencing it. Sadly, my
understanding came because of the news related to someone I had long-revered:
Charlie Rose.

Before I go on, for those of you who need a Psych 101 refresher,
here’s a brief description of the term from Wikipedia:

In the field of
psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental
discomfort (psychological stress) experienced by a person who
simultaneously holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values. The
occurrence of cognitive dissonance is a consequence of a person performing an
action that contradicts personal beliefs, ideals, and values; and also occurs
when confronted with new information that contradicts said beliefs, ideals, and
values.

For years I’ve been a huge fan of Charlie Rose. I found him
to be the best interviewer, bar none, on t.v. His breadth of knowledge was
remarkable. Even more amazing, however, was his curiosity. His interest in all sorts
of things served as a model for anyone who aspired to try to understand the wider
world. I had no doubt that his manner and style played a big role in getting
all sorts of guests to open up in ways few other interviewers can. His technique
was disarmingly simple: engage guests in wide-ranging, meaningful conversation.
He did this by showing interest in them – which always felt very genuine – and
what they had to say.

And yes, I was enamoured with his mild southern accent and
charm. And, having watched him interview – and flirt – with many, Catherine
Deneuve and Diane von Fürstenberg
are two examples that come to mind, I’m sure I wasn’t the only woman who found
his manner attractive.

So, when CBS suspended him (and shortly thereafter fired
him) for alleged sexual harassment, I was stunned, shocked, and saddened.
Clearly, I wasn’t alone. If you need any proof that others – some of whom knew
him professionally and socially – felt the same way, watch the video of Gayle
King on CBS This Morning on the day after the announcement. Indeed, it was King’s
clear inability to reconcile how Rose behaved toward the women who made the
claims with her own experience with him that first brought the notion of
cognitive dissonance to my mind.

How could Rose, a man who seemed so supportive of women in
general and respectful of them when he interviewed them, be the same person who
traipsed around naked in front of women who worked for him? Or who called women
staffers to describe his fantasies about watching them swim naked in his pool?

But, when there are multiple reports by different women who
all have similar stories, it’s hard not to believe them. Couple that with
Rose’s apology for inappropriate behavior (albeit he said he didn’t believe all
the allegations were accurate), it’s no wonder I’m experiencing a severe case
of cognitive dissonance. (I imagine there are many who feel the same about the
news of Matt Lauer – or … well, fill in the blank – there are certainly a lot
to choose from these days.)

The truth is, the Charlie Rose story isn’t the only source
of my feelings of cognitive dissonance. Trying to figure out what to make of
the flood of allegations that has emerged has also been a source of tremendous mental
discomfort. All the different commentaries swirling around is enough to make your
head explode. There are those who doubt the veracity of some of the accusers (folks
who ask: Why did it take them 10 years to come forward?) and of course, those who
blame the victims. Fortunately, there are also a number of folks talking abut the
idea that sexual harassment is as much about power as it is about sex.

But the real source of my cognitive dissonance is my wonder
if this is, indeed, a turning point – or a “moment”, as CBS This Morning
co-host Norah O’Donnell said the day after the Rose suspension. I want so badly
to believe that all these stories will make a difference and that things will
change, but I don’t see that happening unless we address what’s really at the
root of all this: the fundamental inequality that exists between the sexes.

11/15/2017

On being … illusion-shattering

Do you remember feeling crushed when you found out there’s
no Santa Claus? Or maybe it was learning the truth about the Easter Bunny or
the Tooth Fairy that started you on the road to cynicism.

To be honest, I don’t remember how I felt when I lost those
innocent beliefs. But, given how crushed I was recently when I read an article
about big name literary prizes, I can only imagine my reaction on learning the
truth about Santa.

Here’s what happened. A couple weeks ago I was leisurely reading
the Saturday Toronto Star when I came across this headline in the book section:
Burning Book Prize Questions. I immediately thought “Oh, this’ll be interesting.
I’ll bet they’re going to talk about the odds of different books winning the
Man Booker Prize (a £50,000
international award), or maybe the Scotiabank Giller Prize (a C$100,000 prize
for fiction) or maybe the Governor General’s Award (another big Canadian
literary prize).

Turns out, that’s not what the article was about at all! The
burning question for discussion was whether all the jurors – those people who
decide who wins the award – really read all the books. That question NEVER
entered my mind. Ever. In fact, I thought it was a downright stupid question.
Of course the jurors read all the books. How else could they decide who gets
the prize?

Now, I know that when a writer submits a manuscript to a publishing
house, the manuscript’s first stop – and maybe its last – is the desk of some
young personal assistant. Yes, a nameless, low-paid worker is the writer’s first
hurdle on the road to fame and fortune or the rejection pile. But, if a book beats
the odds and actually makes it onto the long – or better yet the short – list
for a particular literary prize, surely the author gets treated with more
respect. The way I see it, those charged with bestowing the prize owe the
authors – and the reading public who pay attention to such prizes – the courtesy
of reading the chosen books. So, as I said, what a silly question! Nonetheless,
I continued reading…

I didn’t have to wade too far into the article before I was speechless.
One of the Giller prize jurors who had actually won the award himself,
apparently also found the question silly – but for very different reasons. Pointing
out that there are a lot of books, he seemed genuinely surprised that anyone
would think that the jurors would read them all!

Mind you, that’s not the only reason he gave for not reading
all of them. His main justification was that there are books by people that he
finds “problematic in their sensibility”. I’m sure that’s true, but then why
agree to be on the jury? (The cynic in me suspects that being a juror is a good
way of keeping your name in circulation in the literary world. But I digress…) Apparently
he reads the first 50 pages but only continues if he feels compelled to.
Besides, he reckoned that the four other jurors – each with their own
sensibilities – could have caught something he might have missed. He went on to
also note that he knows that some of his peers on the jury did, in fact, read
all the books.

Thankfully, one of the other jurors interviewed for the
story – a writer that has been short-listed for a major literary prize – said
he believes in giving each book a fair shot and so he read each one in good
faith and with an open heart. Now that’s more like it, I thought…

I was really quite stunned by the idea that someone who is helping
decide which book will win an award would do so without having actually read all
the books from cover-to-cover. It’s not even that it’s illusion shattering --
it seems downright wrong to me. Why should anyone ever put any stock in the
quality of the books that are short-listed or even that win?

I guess this just means that from now on, when a critic
recommends a book or when someone recommends one because it’s an award winner, I’ll
take the advice with a pound of salt instead of just a grain. Or, better still,
maybe I’ll just stick with the tried and true – reliance on recommendations
from friends.

10/31/2017

On being … insulting

By Ingrid Sapona

I went to the Bulk Barn the other day to buy a few things.
They didn’t have what I was looking for, but one of my favourite candies was on
sale, so I scooped a few into a small baggie. As I put the twist tie on the
bag, I made a mental note of the candy’s four-digit product code.

When it was my turn to be rung up, I put the baggie on the
scale and told the cashier the code. She looked at me and kind of scowled as
she typed it into the cash register. As she did so, she grumbled, “I’ve worked
here many years”. I politely explained that I was just trying to be helpful.
She scowled again and put the item in a bag as she told me the cost. Her obvious
irritation took me by surprise and caused me to think about insults – about being
insulting and feeling insulted.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been guilty of leveling an
intentional insult or two. Of course, at the time of doing so, I always felt it
was justified. But, the older I get, the more I realize that my momentary
feelings of self-righteousness aren’t always well founded. And, as important, I’ve
come to realize that insulting someone usually doesn’t change them or improve the
situation. If anything, an insult often makes a bad situation worse, as people
feeling belittled or insulted seek to even the score in whatever way they can.

When I realized the cashier felt insulted, I immediately checked
in with myself to see whether – on some level – I intended to insult her. I
concluded that I really didn’t intend to insult her in any way. I had only made
note of the product code because I know cashiers must enter them to determine
the cost. I even considered whether I might have made a sub-conscious assessment
of her age or mental ability to remember all the different product codes. Since
I hadn’t even looked at her after announcing the product code because I was
busy fishing through my purse to find change, I really hadn’t paid any attention
to her age or seniority.

On my way home, as I nibbled through the 60¢ worth of candy I
bought, I couldn’t stop thinking about our brief conversation. I shuddered at
how easy it is to misconstrue what someone says and why it is we sometimes feel
insulted, even when absolutely no insult is intended. I felt bad knowing that
she felt insulted, even though I knew I bore no real responsibility for her
feeling that way. Indeed, I came away thinking that her interpretation was more
a reflection of her self-esteem than of what was really said.

This little episode helped me see the difference between
being insulting and feeling insulted – and it helped me see that a person can
feel insulted even when no one was actually being insulting. It’s also a good
reminder of how easy it is to misinterpret words! So, in the end, this incident
has made me think that next time I feel the sting of an insult, instead of trying
to feel better by trying to decipher what the person was getting at, I should
be looking inward to see why the comment triggered the feelings it did.

About Me

I write for a living and for fun. My business is called Good with Words. The work involves communications consulting, writing, and editing.
My main creative outlet is On being ... (which is where I reflect on -- and try to make sense of -- life). From time-to-time I also write fun/interesting articles for magazines and newspapers.