“I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.””I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it’s because it’s cold in there. And I’m like: How did my mother know THAT?”

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Why is it so hard

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring
and good-looking?
A: Because all those men already have boyfriends.

Miss Right

I married Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”

Men And Cats Similar?

How are a husband and a cat similar when it comes to housework?
They’re both afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

Why married women get heavy?

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed, and they go to the fridge.

Men have only two faults…

Women’s faults are many, men have only 2:
Everything they say and everything they do.

Men Exercise On the Beach

How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Change Toilet Paper?

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Nobody knows. It has never happened.

Why Man, Then Woman

God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before you create a masterpiece.

No Such Thing As Good Man

Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.
This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

Riddle: IQ and Football

What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.

Psychoanalysis Quicker For Men

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.

Commonality In Sexes

What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.

Dumber Sex

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Dogs are man’s best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?

Dating Young Women

A single man in his 40’s often has a problem finding women at his level of maturity. That’s why he dates someone half his age.

Why Female Astronauts?

Why is it good that we now have female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.

50/50 Relationship

How do men define a “50/50″ relationship?
Women cook, men eat;
women clean, men get dirty;
women iron, men wrinkle.

Finally Figured Out Women

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Man Need
A man can actually cater to a woman’s every need, so long as all that she wants is to have sex, go to ball games, and bring him a beer.

Avoiding Wrong Career Riddle

How do some men avoid making a wrong career move?
They never get a job!

Thinnest World’s Book Is…

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women.

Wandering Tribes

Do you know why the tribes of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years?
Because even then, men couldn’t stop to ask directions.

A Well Dressed Man

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes!

“Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.”

“I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.”

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Few Men In Heaven

Why do so few men end up in heaven?
They never stop to ask for directions.

Shorties

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying!”
~~~
First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

Man With Most Intelligence Gone

What do you call a man with 90% of his intelligence gone?
Divorced

Problems and Male Gender

Ever notice how so many of women’s problems can be traced to the male gender?
MENstruation, MENopause, MENtal breakdown, GUYnecology, HIMmorrhoids…

Hungry Beggar

A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.”
She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”

Women Appearance

Why do women pay so much attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Men And Parking Spots

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.

Men

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.

How To Get Rid Of Roaches

How does the single woman get rid of roaches?
She asks them for a commitment.

Wife

What’s the difference between a terrorist and a wife?
You can negotiate with the terrorist!

Men Are Like Diplomas

How are men like diplomas?
You spend lots of time getting one, but once you have it, you don’t know what to do with it.

What does “WIFE” stand for?

Washing
Ironing
Food
Entertainment

Lazy

How can you tell if a man you’re dating is lazy?
He throws his kisses.

Times Bachelor Made His Bed

What is the average number of times in a bachelor’s life that his bed is made?
Once, when it was still in the factory.

What do you call a woman outside the kitchen?

What do you call a woman outside the kitchen?
Answer: A fugitive

40 Year Old Man and Woman

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

Best Foot Forward

What usually happens when a man puts his best foot forward?
It ends up in his mouth!

A question of time

Why don’t women need to wear watches?
Theres a clock on the oven!

Why Women Live Longer

Why do women live longer than men?
Someone has to stick around and clean up after them.

Food Better Than Men

Why is food better than men?
Because you don’t have to wait an hour for seconds.

Diff Between Man and Childbirth

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.