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Monday, January 02, 2017

You Are ... So Beautiful ... To Me...

A while ago, Turkey decided that the professional photo taken of him that's on the firm's website was no good, and he wanted it redone. So even though it was only done three years ago, the firm allowed him to sit for another photo shoot. Nobody asked me, but if they had, they'd have heard me saying I think he looks exactly the same as he did three years ago. Guess who found the email with the proofs?! And guess who couldn't resist and took a pic with her cell phone?! That's right. I did it.

He looks like a Republican pedophile with an awkward hairline caught pooping while wearing a suit, who tries to make the best of being caught by grinning/grimacing. It's not pretty, is what I'm saying. But it sure is funny! (Remember that grimace Dick Cheney used to make when he'd try to smile? Every time I would see that, I would think, "That is what a pedophile looks like.")

Anyway, the lady in Marketing who arranged this stopped by my desk a few weeks ago on another matter, and let it slip that Turkey requested that they blow up his favorite picture of himself, and frame it. And she was like, "Um, that is not a service this law firm provides, sorry. Have you tried Walgreens?"

Then last week Turkey wanted for us to go to lunch together. Alone. I tried to talk various people into joining us to no avail. I tried to "reschedule" due to the pouring rain. Nope. So off we went, with Turkey carrying a brown paper grocery bag. We went to a restaurant that Turkey has been to many times before. He asked the waiter nine questions about the menu (which had not changed recently). I started counting after question four. His questions were one step above things like, "Now the ice water - is that cold?" Turkey ultimately ordered three things.

I was able to start our lunch off on the right foot, by genuinely thanking Turkey. In a departmental meeting, he mentioned the Netflix series The Crown, and suggested it was quite good and I should watch it. I wound up devouring the series, and absolutely LOVING it. So I was able to chat with Turkey all about the monarch and such. Then we moved on to the next portion of the lunch - work gossip. This involved Turkey mentioning people and asking me what I thought THEY thought about him. This segued nicely into the second-to-last portion of lunch, where Turkey and I took turns complimenting Turkey. I lied a lot during those two portions of lunch.

Last was the gift-giving portion of lunch. Turkey reached into his grocery bag and gave me a box. In the same way that a seven year-old girl who's just read Flicka and Black Beauty hopes for a horse, I was hoping Turkey was giving me a framed picture of himself. Because wouldn't that be hilarious? To have a picture of an ugly man who is vehemently hated by many he works with, sitting on my desk. And the best part is, Turkey is exactly the type to do that. So it's not like I was hoping for a unicorn - this dream really had potential of coming true.

Alas, it did not. Maybe next year. No, this time I was given a book of Doonesbury cartoons that all feature Donald Trump. I'm thinking it was a re-gift, because there is no possible way Turkey saw this in a store and thought, "I should get this for my secretary!" Oh well. At least I got a free lunch from a nice restaurant out of it all.