So I just turned

18. I'm now legally able to smoke and drink my problems away. This is what I intend to do most nights.

The two fucking people I want to be here, are not, and cannot be. For one (my girlfriend), she is not even in the same fucking hemisphere as me, so money is a problem - it costs too much for her to come here at the moment. For the other, even all the money in the world won't bring him back (he died in January 2004, and would have been 18 in ten days from now).

I have not enough friends to celebrate what should be a goddamn milestone.

I just want to bleed. So fucking heavily. I want to bleed to within an inch of death. But every time I cut, my goddamn bitch mother notices and cracks the shits. I suppose it would be bad if she didn't care, but I just wish she would realise how goddamn helpful it really is if done in moderation.

IS IT JUST SO GODDAMN MUCH TO NEED A HUG. SOMETHING TO EASE THIS PAIN AND FRUSTRATION THAT I'VE BEEN FEELING SINCE FUCKING MARCH. E-HUGS MAKE ME EVEN ANGRIER - THEY ARE NOT REAL AND JUST ADD TO THE FACT THAT THE PERSONS FAR AWAY AND NOT PHYSICALLY HUGGING ME.

I'M A FUCKING INTIMATE GUY OKAY. ITS WRONG TO BE THIS, APPARENTLY. OTHERWISE I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD THIS DROUGHT FOR 9 FUCKING MONTHS.

No, theres pretty much nobody. Much as I hate to say it, my mum doesn't count. Also, my sister isn't a huggy type person. All my close friends are blokes, and the close female friends, don't want to touch me.

That's really sad. I need hugs all the time. I hate asking people for hugs and when my friends hug me it's not the same. Unfortunately my parents don't like my boyfriend and don't let me go anywhere... and I HAVE to listen because I'm "only 16." Oh yeah and apparently a "naive little kid." I know what you mean by it physically hurting to need something SO bad and not being able to get it.

Yeah. I'm sorry to hear you got the same bullshit going on for you than me too.
I'm drunk at the moment and its shit. I really, really, really, really, just want TO FUCKING DIE.
i cannot surivve tjhis1!!!!