Courtney Stodden’s Stuck In A House With Screech

Last night was the premiere of Celebrity Big Brother, the popular UK reality show where they take the oily residue of American fame and lock them in a house without having the decency to fill the place with leftover gas from the Holocaust because the British are weak. To prove my point, Dustin Diamond is on this season and walked on stage making the clear and undeniable faces of a man who’s going to rape the first person he’s alone in room with. And before Salon or Jezebel get all up in arms that “rape jokes are never funny,” I’m not even trying to make a joke here. That’s a legitimate warning. If Dustin Diamond is in your line of vision, curl up in the fetal position and say his name backwards three times. That’s the only way to send him back to his realm: Rape Earth 2.

Also I had the experience of being in a store with Screech a few months ago and he acts just like Screech, except fat as fuck and overly goofy for attention from anyone who might have happened to be in earshot. He bought underwear with chipmunks on them and was with a girl whose self-esteem was too low to realize she could be doing much better. Incidentally, I saw Bruno Mars and Maxine from Living Single the same exact night. What a zoo LA must be.