Thoughts about teens, tweens, parenting and this adventure of living on Earth in the 21st century.

October 18, 2011

We've all been there, and it sucks!

Got an email the other day from a girl burning with jealousy because she and her friend like the same guy. Well, actually her friend used to like him, but now she’s not actually sure if she still does because it seems the guy said… But the two of them still… And this makes the girl who wrote to me feel like… Never mind, read it yourself:

Hey Terra,

A girl in my class and I like the same guy. Actually I asked her yesterday if she does like him and she said she dosen’t really know. This is because she told him last week that she liked him. He said he didn’t really like anyone right now. Then about a day later she told him that she didn’t like him. Now she told me that she stopped liking him because he didn’t like her back. So that’s why she dosen’t really know if she truly does or not. I know I really do like him. Here is the problem, they sit next to each other in many classes and they always talk! I get really jealous.

What should I do?

Jealous Jillian

Hi JJ,

Whenever you feel yourself boiling or burning with jealousy, notice the feeling. Then STOP whatever you’re doing. (When you abruptly put on the brakes, that’s a wake-up call to your body and your brain that says: “Wait a sec. I don’t have to go down Jealousy Street. It brings me down and makes me feel worried and insecure and unhappy. I’m not going there.”

Then take some SLOW DEEP BREATHS. This will calm you down. (It really works!)
Now… you say to yourself ,”What am I trying to do?”
You’re probably trying to:

a) get the girl and the guy to stop talking to each other

b) get him to start paying attention to you

c) ??

Most of the stuff that bends us out of shape is OUT OF OUR CONTROL. Really! If this guy likes this girl as a friend or something else, then that’s his choice. Same with her and whoever she likes. It’s her choice. You don’t get to control the emotions and behavior of other people.

You want a bf. I get that. It’s cool to have someone you like, like you back. But you can’t make that happen. It’s either going to happen or not. At this time or not. With this guy or not. What you can do is control your behavior. If you don’t like feeling “really jealous” then notice when it comes up, put on the brakes, take some slow deep breaths and turn your attention away from these two.
OK?

In friendship,
Terra

Hey Terra,

I got it. Thanks for the advice! I’ll tell you how it goes when it happens. 😀

Jillian

UPDATE: Just heard from Jealous Jillian: “OMG!!! It worked!!! I saw them talking today and I just turned around, took some deep breaths and told myself, ‘If he likes me, he likes me and if he doesn’t, I can’t change that.’ And I just got over it!!! Thank you so much! :)”

Great advice. Jealousy is such a destroying emotion. It only eats. It has no positive slant. Every other emotion can be motivating including pain and hatred. I discovered that you can reject this feeling either by ejecting it from your thought process when it enters or label it differently i.e. call it envy and then make sure it becomes envy by allowing yourself to like that the other person has something you want with the thought that you would like something similar too and then try to get that for yourself. Some people have to work harder at controlling jealousy and I know I’m lucky to have never felt it in the extreme, my personality has never nurtured it.