Help Me Bring the Weiner Hacker to Justice

I have never been much of a community activist, but I can no longer sit idly while America remains at risk of attack by the most nefarious identity thief in the history of Internet. And cheap page views are to be had.

The Weinergate facts, as we so far know them: on May 28, @RepWeiner, the verified Twitter account of US Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY), posted a tweet of a y.frog photo of a slightly-built white male straining to pitch a pup tent in a pair of grey Hanes Underoos. Within seconds, Congressman Weiner arrived at the scene of the cybercrime and instantly recognized it as the work of a hacker who had simultaneously broken into his Twitter, Facebook and y.frog accounts. Working quickly, and without regard to his own safety, Congressman Weiner used his elite law school-honed internet security coding skills to wrest back control of his accounts, delete the offending tweet and photo, as well as unfollow a Seattle coed to whom it was sent. His Twitter perimeter once again secured, the intrepid Congressmen sent out a new tweet explaining how he was victimized by an Internet criminal mastermind.

Since the incident, the famously modest Congressman Weiner had remained demure on how he single-handedly thwarted his anonymous attacker, and how the attacker managed to possibly steal his Blackberry camera phone. And, for whatever reason, has thusfar also chosen not to involve the law enforcement authorities.

As much as I admire Congressman Weiner's Gandhi-like forgiving attitude toward his assailant - as well as his world class ninja programming skills - I'm afraid this incident doesn't just involve him. For, after all, what Internet user is safe when the person who hacked this unsuspecting Weiner remains at large? Okay, maybe not "large," but still, come on man. Who's to say this same criminal hasn't somehow hacked my last 5 federal income tax returns with fraudulent deductions for alcohol-related blogging expenses?

I say no - we cannot as an online community let this tragic crime go unpunished. That it why I am announcing the Weiner Hacker Prize Fund to award a generous bounty for information leading to the arrest, prosecution and conviction of Pubic Enemy #1 - the pervert who stole Congressman Weiner's underpants identity. To get things rolling, I will seed it with $1000 of my own personal 2010 federal tax refund. I am leaving the comments section on this post open for anyone who would like to add their own contribution to the bounty, as well as tips and clues to pass on to law enforcement officials. Please though - do not interfere with any official crime investigation. Let's leave the detective work to hardboiled gumshoes like Jim Treacher and Ace of Spades.

So let's get involved and work to get this mysterious criminal off our online streets. Until he is brought to justice, remember: You May Already Be a Weiner.

"No one will be collecting"? Are you serious? I gave you two perfectly good suspects:

- Weiner's wife
- Former Senator Larry Craig

Isn't it obvious that Weiner's so called "confession" is in reality a self sacrificial attempt to protect the guilty party? I mean for God's sake, the Congressman has made himself appear to be a weird, reckless, abrasive, predatory pathelogical liar who uses his high office to lure naive young women into disturbing online sexual relationships in a pathetic attempt to compensate for his creepy looks and overall weird vibe. He has even staged one of these supposed encounters so that it would be picked-up by Breitbart. To top it all off, he has, in the course of these staged videos, revealed himself to be a chest shaver! Do you really consider it to be possible that a U.S. Congressman would be capable of such behavior? I really think that you need to need to validate Weiner's sacrifice by awarding me the prize.

The reason is simple. Hackers spend their time ravaging federal politicians' accounts not to change email names and passwords, or wreak havoc with their accounts. Their most popular and reasonable desire is to log in, send one dic-pic to a college follower, and then log back off.

Weiner’s flaccid response has turned what looked like a pinprick into an ever-rising concern for the young Member. Most observers felt it would quickly drop off, but it now seems surprisingly hard and prominent. The problem is getting bigger by the day and Weiner seems unable to get his hands around it. Even his most ardent supporters are beginning to ask “Could this really be our Weiner?”

The Congressman Weiner investigation continues. Little has been exposed and there isn`t much to go on. Investigators have come up short and evidence is lacking. The small stream of new leads has shrivelled to resemble a cold case. The Congressman continues to represent the "little man" and has vowed to hangin there the best he can..

(eyeroll) Like the bigger story isn't the Hi-HoShlortDongSilver Elephant in the room. Everybody knows Clarence Williams III and Barbara Streisand had a love child. DUH! That's why he doesn't want no steekin FBI around.

After closer examination, three prominent facts of this case stand out (...other than the prominent fact that has already been closely examined):

1) The subject of the photo in question was a homosexual (not that there's anything wrong with that). No heterosexual man has ever taken a shrouded photo of his own rig. Now, I can hear you asking, "what if some other guy took a picture of his erect, tightly wrapped, johnson...you know, to get the camera angle and lighting just right, to emphasize its size and firmness?" Uh yeah, good point, that sounds like a real hetro situation.

What's that I hear? Did someone actually say, "Bret Farve"? Look, Brett Farve, a few middle school delinquents, and the odd sex offender have at one time or another deluded themselves into thinking that if they took uncovered photos of their junk and then sent them to seemingly available women in the hope that this would get them laid. Now, how'd that work out for Brett? Perhaps the most prominent athlete in the world slaps his best asset on the table and sends a picture to one of his league's T&A on-call girls. Result? He not only gets rejected, but is publically humiliated.This brings me to point #2

2) No woman, other than a few ninth grade skanks, and possibly some animal husbandry majors, has ever been impressed by a picture of someone's genitals. The universal reaction pretty much goes like this: "that's just creepy". And a suave New York lady's man like Representative Weiner is well aware of this fact.

3) The subject of this photo is a man with a "wide stance".

That's right, the most reasonable explanation for this whole sordid story is that former Senator, and men's room socialite, Larry Craig became enamored with representative Weiner and sent him a photo of his unit(not the first time a Weiner has inspired him to take inappropriate action). Congressman Weiner, not doubt worked to the point of exhaustion by the twin burdens of elective office and mentoring hot twenty-somethings via Twitter, inadvertently sent the photo on to one of these impressionable young women.

Now, having made this simple and understandable mistake, what was the Congressman to do? Would he clear his name and ID the guilty party? No! Congressman Weiner, being respectful of his elders and mindful of the great traditions of the U.S. Congress would not humiliate one who has shared his legislative duties. Instead, he fell on his sword, so to speak, and offered an implausible explanation. I think that the snark, nastiness and general cynicism at Congressman Weiner's expense should cease. We should honor his spirit of self sacrifice and pretend that this whole ugly mess never happened.

Although, the republican congressma¬n didn't deny that he sent the picture and there was no doubt as he included his face in the picture. Pretty damning evidence to support that he at least took a picture of himself and he never denied that he sent it. Shouldn't it first be demonstrat¬ed that Weiner is lying about it being a hack job or do you usually demand that someone lose their jobs without proof that they done what they are accused of.

Hey, git on it and chip in to Iowahawk's "Weiner Hacker Prize Fund," 'cause me and my posse aim to collect that bounty. Got the whole crew with me: the Gozinnia brothers, Rod, Peter, and Dick; Chubby; Harry Wong and his cousin Long Dong; Hugh G. Rection; and Harry "Tiny" Johnson. We're stiff in our resolve to track down this miscreant and threat to national security. We are holding are own, and pledge not to go soft until every last hole is probed in our quest for justice, and the Prize Fund. But especially the Prize Fund. So, pony up some cash, you cheapskates, Iowahawks $1000 won't even cover our bartab.

"The Internet is not something that you just dump something on. It’s not a big truck. It’s a series of TUBES. And if you don’t understand, those TUBES can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and it’s going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that TUBE..."

Personal Home Inspector: "The bigger question is why on earth would Anthony Weiner send such a photo to some random person who lives on a different coast from either of his homes? What makes more sense? Someone hacks a twitter account and sends a photo of a man's crotch to discredit the man/make fun of him or a US congressma¬n knowingly does something which could end his career with absolutely no apparent gain or benefit for him?"

If by "random person" you mean a woman he was already following on Twitter, and whom was following him back--thus allowing personal, direct (i.e. secret) Tweets.

The bigger question is why on earth would Anthony Weiner send such a photo to some random person who lives on a different coast from either of his homes? What makes more sense? Someone hacks a twitter account and sends a photo of a man's crotch to discredit the man/make fun of him or a US congressma¬n knowingly does something which could end his career with absolutely no apparent gain or benefit for him?

I have a friend in Vegas who has a friend who works in the prison system that says OJ was so moved by your selfless reward gesture to vindicate Weiner's Johnson that OJ is throwing some sports jewelry and an unmatched glove he no longer uses into the (w)hacker reward kitty.

Obviously we need to find out who this right-wing hactivist is, and the simplest method is to find out the person in the photograph. Someone needs to personally inspect the naked crotches of every member of Congress, like the prince in Cinderella. (As a show of patriotism, I am willing to inspect the chair of the DNC.)

@Crazee
"Geoff.... But sure, ignore all these questions like a good little lapdog. And will the idiots who claim there was no picture go away?

I am a lapdog of someone unspecified because I pointed out you are a moron if you aren't aware of what anyone who has ever forgotten a password is?
Is it Bill Gates? Does he owe me some money now or something?

Obama does it again! Made the courageous decision to have the navy seal team post picture of weener on Rep. Weiner's Twitter page. The man is fearless!

Obama: I contacted leon Panetta and told him I need to keep my courageousness honed and toned to keep in practice for the next time I needed to send myself in harms way. I don't remember if it was me or if it was my subconcious mind that hatched this creative and completely awsome action but I'm sure it one or the other.

Those of you who followed the 2008 campaign will remember that the lovely Ms. Abdein was a top aide of Hillary Clinton and was also rumored to be her lover. Obviously such a rumor was potentially damaging to Clinton and, like a loyal soldier, Huma went out and found herself a funny looking Congressman to date in order to throw the press off the trail. Abdein and Weiner wed in 2009. She's probably more than a little tired of having to put-up with this shmuck, so this whole scandal gives her a plausible reason to end the marriage. No need to hack anything, she just took a photo of his johnson while he was sleeping, then tweeted it. Can I get my $1,000 in singles?

Geoff, of course it's possible for people to access an account someone else has hacked into.

The questions are:

1. Why didn't the hacker send anything other than that picture, and not change the login data?

2.Why was the congressman talking to the famale coed in the first place?

3. Why was his account blank for hours before the post, and then right after it he was able to delete it quickly? And why was his immediate reaction to being "hacked" to crack jokes instead of worrying about whether he had his information stolen? It sounds like damage control.

4. Why not get an investigation? Again, this is an official Government account.

5. Why does he have a consistent record of following young girls he has no connection to officially, outside of his district?

etc etc . But sure, ignore all these questions like a good little lapdog. And will the idiots who claim there was no picture go away? Weiner clearly acknowledged he deleted a picture. There WAS a picture.

I really enjoy Iowahawk. I forwarded a link to the article American Pride is Back to a cousin, who replied, when I grow up (he's an adult) I want to write like Iowahawk. :)

Alas, without being a Facebook, Twitter, or y.frog user myself, but a long-time techie, I have to concur with a previous commenter that some of the tech questions are misunderstood and Weiner could be right. There is no trick to "regaining" control of your accounts if the password was hacked but not changed, for example. Also, if like many idiots he uses the same password on various accounts, you only need find out one. And if you're using your cell to access those accounts, as the previous commenter said, you might only have to hack that cell.

Not making a case for or against Weiner's being hacked or careless. While Occam's Razor may cut toward careless, it's not that fine a line toward hacked, either. Just depends on which way Weiner was stupid. :)

I found a crusty dime in the bottom of my pocketbook I'd like to forward to this Justice for Weiners cause. There are gray cloaked weiners everywhere screaming to be freed from oppression. STOP CHOKING WEINERS! (wait what? This isn't about jockstraps? nevermind)

Finally! Thanks to Geoff, we've blow the lid on this caper - the real culprit was none other than... SNIDELY BREITBART! How could we have been so blind?

Quick Geoff - alert the FBI to this devious right wing conspiracy, and demand a full scale police investigation! Make sure to alert Congressman Weiner that you have taken it upon yourself to clear his good name. He's been far, far too busy to call the authorities for some reason.

someone with access to the original picture (not a screen shot) should read the EXIF information (metadata) to find the Date, time, and latitude/longitude where the picture was taken. Perhaps then we'll find the dastardly evil-doer.

PoliPundit"nobody – and I mean nobody, in the confines of Al Gore’s greatest invention, the Internet, can slice, dice and julienne a huge chunk of pure snark into so many little jagged pieces like he can"

Charles Murray, The American Enterprise Institute"Out of nowhere—at least I’d never heard of him—comes a posting by one David Burge on his blog, Iowahawk, in which he tore Krugman’s numbers apart. I don’t mean he found some soft spots. I’m talking evisceration. The post has been flying around cyberspace and has a attracted a lot of flak to which Burge has now responded. I recommend both posts as tours de force on two levels. First, they are saturated with the best kind of Internet irreverence and humor—sophomoric occasionally, lmao funny more often. Second, the guy is a hell of an applied statistician. It’s wonderful: Paul Krugman’s got his mile-high New York Times platform, Burge has an obscure blog. And yet, in the world of the Internet, he can take Krugman down and end up letting a whole lot of people know he’s done it."

Hugh Hewitt"For a lesson on how to argue a complex case in the face of MSM stupidity and/or bias --answer with facts, repittion and careful writing laced with laughs-- read the tutorial prepared by Iowahawk... This is how it is done. Airlift Iowahawk to the Speaker's office."

The Lunatic's Asylum"IowaHawk is God. If you're STILL not reading IowaHawk regularly, then you, Sir or Madame, are a dipshit. One that should be taken out and sterilized with the rustiest of farm implements, so that you may not pollute the gene pool with future generations of little dipshits."

Bookworm Room"Every time I read one of Iowahawk’s satires, I think to myself, 'This is it. He cannot get better than this.' And every time I am wrong, as Iowahawk, over and over, publishes something new that is even funnier than his last outing... In a perfect world, Iowahawk would be one of the most recognized comic satirists in America."

Fausta Wertz"the dance floor started to open and exposed a vast deep pool filled with man-eating sharks. The crowd panicked as a couple fell into the waters and the sharks feasted on them. Without missing a step or loosening his embrace, he led me to the entrance and with a swift move managed to both hit the switch that closed the shark pit and concluded the final dance step. He then said, 'It’s late. I must go tend to my blog.'"

Dan Collins, Protein Wisdom"He is Iowahawk of Typepad
Master of the sparkling send-up
When he posts, then douchebags tremble
Realizing they’ve been skewered
And with no recourse to match him:
Mighty Burge, the Iowahawk”

Amused Cynic"perhaps the best-written, cleverest “F*** You” salute that I have ever seen administered ... I am hereby delivering a James Thurber salute to you, Dave, and popping the top on a 16 oz. can of PBR in your direction"

Daniel Ruwe, Right Minds"The funniest person on the Internet. Every one of his posts makes me laugh out loud. Literally incredibly funny. You have to experience him to appreciate him"

Elizabeth Crum"For an idea of what I find brilliant and loveable in terms of sarcasm, satire and the like, see Iowahawk. He is one of our great modern-day scribes: smart, scathing, derisive, outrageous, and funny like few can be"

Jesse Macbeth"I'd like to take the time to address some of the stuff that I read on the Internet written about me... I got to tell you some of the stuff I saw was really funny. One of my favorites ones was actually the Power Rangers one, that was kind of cool."

Jools Krittindan"Then there’s Iowahawk. I don’t even know what he does for a living, something in Iowa, I guess. Yeah, society would function fine without him. It would just suck more. He gets an estate all his own: Iowahawk, the Sixth Estate."

Cherry River Blog"Yes, this is a crude attempt to gain entrance to IH's hallowed blogroll, and maybe even a blurb-out listing, but I still stand in awe of the capaciousness of mind that Mr. Burge has demonstrated to a barely worthy Web world"

Jules Crittenden"I have received no remuneration or consideration of any kind for this shameless fawning boosterism and free advertising. Nor do I require any. To have been in some small way associated with the global Iowahawk phenomenon is more than most of us can aspire to in our miserable, inconsequential little lives. To bask in its electronic glow is to sense the existence of immortality."

Hot Flashes"The man I’d most likely invite to my bedroom in another life"

Jim Henshaw"Neo-cons may not be as humorless as I thought, as this essay from Conservative blogger Iowahawk will attest. Even if you hate his politics, this is funny stuff"

Dave Bender, Israel at Level Ground (Israel)"Iowahawk is in the side of the wrong business, not to mention residing on the wrong landmass; he needs to get over here quick and start pumping out copy for the major news agencies"

Jules Crittendon, Boston Herald"Iowahawk’s wild, unkempt observations may look like they’ve spent the last three days sleeping under a bridge, and be frightening and smelly up close, but they are conduits of fundamental, irrefutable truth. Much like the drunk who accosts you on a streetcorner and unabashedly proclaims, 'I need money for a bottle of Cossack.'"

Twisted Spinster"Iowahawk sticks the knife in so nicely that you don’t even feel it until everything starts to go dark and fuzzy"

Bill Whittle, National Review"My friend Iowahawk writes some of the most brilliant satire I have ever read. He likes to come across as a beer-swilling gearhead — because he is — but look at this ... simply so that I may bask in its reflected glory"

Rush Limbaugh"I've gotta share with you one of the funniest things I have ever read. It is by the blogger Iowahawk. It is one of the sharpest, most cutting, brilliant satires on these pseudo-intellectual conservatives... I've heard of Iowahawk. I don't know what his leanings are, probably lib, I don't know, doesn't matter. This whole thing is just wonderful, it is just hilarious."

Quid Nimis"I think the reason I don't do Iowa Hawk everyday is the same reason I don't eat ice cream everyday: it's too good. That and the fact that I would have to leave my husband and stalk Dave Burge"

Tim Blair, Sydney Telegraph (Australia)"As Sandy Roberts says: 'When you think of Bhutan, you think of archery.' And when you think of Vettes, Ferraris and Hemi-powered rods, you think of Iowahawk and his LA-bound nitroclan"

Joseph Bottum, First Things"I’m on the board of a literary magazine at a small state university, and, at the board’s meeting this spring, the editor mentioned that he had wanted to reprint the blogger Iowahawk’s hilarious swipe at the archbishop of Canterbury... Unfortunately, the editor said, the magazine couldn’t do reprint it. The legal adviser from the university’s administration had said no—not on the grounds that it was offensive to Anglicans and their archbishop, but on the grounds that it mentioned Islam, and the school could receive bomb threats as a result of publishing it."

Lone Star Times"Between cleaning carburetors and restoring classic American cars, Burge churns out some of the funniest and decisively deadly wit and commentary on the web... Write the Pulitzer Committee and demand Iowahawk should win"

Roger Kimball, Pajamas Media"inspired … I was going to say 'parody,' but really it is far too close to the original to be called a parody. Really, it is like the play Hamlet stages to 'catch the conscience of the King,' a dramatic re-enactment of the very crime Claudius had committed but had yet to acknowledge. It worked for Hamlet; will Iowahawk’s performance work for the rest of us? It is too early to tell. But ... it is more truthful, and far more amusing, than anything you’ll read in the [New York] Times."

Paul Kedrosky, Infectious Greed"I really don't know how best to summarize IowaHawk's you-are-there white-trash treatise... If you crossed Hunter Thompson and Michael Lewis, you might get something this angry and bizarre"

The McMuffins (UK)"Iowahawk and his lovely wife... did not appear to be the psychopathic stalking killers we had been warned about, although that Iowahawk did have a murderous look in his eyes and an unusual amount of froth coming from his mouth"

Blacklake (Hot Air Comments)"I’d say Iowahawk was a genius, but geniuses aren’t generally very clever. Plus, studies have shown that nine out of ten have no idea how to clean a carb. So, statistically speaking, his geniushood is unlikely."

Rand Simberg (Transterrestrial Musings)"Next time Iowahawk beats up on you, just take it. If you try to fight back, it only gets worse. It's like one of those monsters that, the harder you fight it, the stronger it gets, because it actually feeds on your pathetic swats."

Blog Québécois"If Iowahawk ever decides to turn his guns on you, accept your beating with good grace and a rueful chuckle. If you try to fight back, it only gets funnier."

Roger Kimball (The New Criterion)"The excellent weblog IowaHawk summarized some of the thoughts I had... I must also laud David Burge of IowaHawk for his gritty pragmatism. He is no armchair crusader, full of empty imprecations."

Bill Whittle"I've met him, you know -- Iowahawk. 6'7" he is, arms like mighty oak trees, legs like even mightier oak trees: clear grey eyes looking to the far horizon, his lantern jaw set against the approaching storm but yet with a slight hint of a distant smile bourne of many combats won and mortal enemies vanquished.
I stood speechless in his presence at a restaurant in Marina del Rey --- just speechless, weeping silently at the sheer magnetism and force of personality coming off the man in seismic waves; a transcendental, religious experience that kept me awake for a week, as if I had seen the heavens split open in a blaze of orange and purple glory, and all of God's Great Plan revealed.
And when he finally did speak, it was the sound of distant thunder echoing off ancient mountains, a sound that predates mankind's puny schreeching -- a sound that, indeed, is antecedent to the founding of Life on Earth and comes carried through the ether on the shock wave of ancient dying stars. And though he only spoke twelve words during the four hours I stood in his presence, those words are with me still, a perfect dozen seared into my memory, written in gold across the great hall of my mind.
He said, 'HEY, CAN YOU GET THIS ONE? I LEFT MY WALLET AT HOME.'"

Spongeworthy"But no shit, Iowahawk might get up tomorrow, get baked, grab his beautiful wife and ride his moped backwards to a Hells Angel rally, then drink himself into oblivion and fight about 7 crank dealers from the Racine chapter of the Death Jokers all by himself.
Then maybe he'd go home, romance the beautiful wife, build a perfect retro treehouse for his perfect kids, drink a bottle of tequila, prepare a 3-course meal while beating away a push-in home invader and sacrificing him on a makeshift, though historically accurate, Inca altar he built in the woods behind the railroad tracks.
Then he'd sit down and knock out a tremedously insulting Leftist parody that pissed off thread after thread of Kos and DU lunatics, romance the bride once again and fall asleep chuckling.
It's like he's Paul Bunyan and Mark Twain rolled up into one hipster"