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Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Trump Watch 2017: The Jeff Sessions Secession Session

Trump Watch 2017 in no way intends to be factual. You have to say that now or the fake news police will come fuck your face off. Trump Watch serves the sole purpose of me getting blocked by Donald Trump on Twitter or called out by blond ol' frog face.

A lot has happened since I decided to write about the Jeff Sessions session (more like Jeff Secessions, right?!). We learned that Donald Trump and Barack Obama share a bed to piss on. We learned that Donald Trump hates vaccines We learned that we are probably in the middle of another Russian intelligence operation that undermines our investigative journalists so that nothing is real and all news is fake news. Oh, wait. Did we not learn that yet? My money's on that one.

Things are weird, folks. I don't know what to say. I'm a dyed in the wool liberal but I can't tell you how much fake news is spread in my liberal bubble. Now all these folks are running around screaming, "SOURCES! SOURCES! WHERE ARE YOUR FUCKING SOURCES YOU FASCIST?!" but just four years ago they were posting memes of Ted Cruz's face with text that was written by a Democrat's wet dream. They were posting People magazine interviews of Trump stating he'd run as a Republican because Republicans are stupid. This is so blatantly stupid but what's worse is that smart people believed it! And shared it! And saw that just because there was a citation to an existing magazine, it must have been verified by somebody else.

Look, much of that report might have some footing in truth but I'm going to sit back and wait to really find out. Until then, I will make endless pee-pee jokes about Donald Trump. Did you hear he likes watching girls pee-pee!? Oh, man! That guy! President (elect) of the United States, everybody.

Let's get to Jeff Secessions. He was in Congress and Al Franken choked him up on some lies. It was magnificent. There was a laugh track and everything.

It wasn't until the Sessions caught Obama peering through a Capitol Hill window that he got tripped up. Sessions was all, "Oh, fuck. It's the outgoing President!" Everyone in Congress turned to look and Sessions got his scoot on out of there. It was a close one but let me predict this, Sessions is going to be whatever the hell it is he was nominated for (Generous Attorney). Republicans will confirm him in lockstep with Ol' President Pissy Pants's desires.

I've been living in Texas for awhile and our government's ridiculous magnetism towards anti-intellectualism and conspiracy theories (Jade Helm, remember that?) had to have been just a minor slip up of our collective sanity, right? Nope. Turns out it was the future.

Texas has long been the future of America. Now the rest of America can finally be scorched by the heat.