Hellloooo Super Mario. Looks like Mario Chalmers ate himself a mushroom. Not one of those stupid poison mushroom that always annoyed the hell out of me or those shrooms that totally trip you out. I mean the one’s that give you that growth spurt. He’s totally taller out there on the court this year. Actually that might be because of the mushroom I ate. Anywhooo, Chalmers has really been impressive (7.4/3/6.6/2/0.4 with 1 3PM per game) as a bargain PG early in the season and looks to have found his niche in the ridiculous Miami offense. His niche? Pass the ball to all the ridiculously good teammate and hit the open 3 if it’s there. I think I could have figured that one out. Seriously though, I am absolutely buying him as a top 100 player. He won’t give you a ton of points, but the other stats will be there (including money steals). Think of him as a bizarro RajonRondo and a really cheap pg if you’re lacking assists and steals.

BUY

O.J. Mayo – Every year I seem to get sucked into buying Hellmann’s, and here I am again. Why don’t I just go with Miracle Whip? Or stay away from the additional calories in general? Because I have no will power, that’s why. It will be different this time I promise myself. Mayo is locked into the SG role for the Mavs. Is he going to continue shooting 60% from 3? No, but he’s got the pedigree (3rd overall pick in 2008) and I think he makes the leap this year at the ripe age of 25.

Anthony Davis – Labeled as a franchise player, Davis came out with a bang in his first game (21/7/0/1/1) and then literally came out with a bang in his second game (concussion). This injury may be the only time to grab him on the cheapy cheap. Plus Davis is making that brow a trendy style. Rejoice Lily Collins and formerly ugly chick from 9th grade!

Russell Westbrook – The Bodie doppleganger (spit) was potentially a top 5 pick in your draft. Westbrook has already nosedived this season and is the central blame for the Thunder’s (spit) two losses. If any owner (spit) is worried, make sure you get this dude. He’s a top 10 player (spit). SERIOUSLY STOP SPITTING… (spit)

Rudy Gay – Gay ain’t making too many owners happy these days with his 37% shooting from the floor and 10% from behind the arc. In case you were wondering, his career numbers are 45.5% FG and 34.5% from 3. I’d bet this hibernating grizzly wake up and goes on a tear sooner rather than later.

SELL

Anderson Varejao – Career #’s: 7.4/7.2/1.0/0.9/0.7 with 52.1 FG% and 61 FT% in 25 MPG. Current #’s: 14/15/3/1/0.8 while shooting 65.8% FG and 85.7 from the line in 35 MPG. Look for some major regression in the %’s and the rebounds to normalize around 10. However if your league gets points for hair, then move him up to the buy section.

Andrei Kirilenko – I love AK47. Not only because I play Call of Duty obsessively, but also because the player is extremely roto friendly. I think he’ll be fine in the short term, but once Kevin Love comes back I think we’ll see a dip in his numbers. He’s top 25 right now, but I think top 75 is more like it.

Mo Williams – Let me clarify this one. I’m not buying his current level of production (top 15), I WOULD buy that he will be a top 60 player. Finally healthy and cemented as the top PG on the roster (Randy Foye, Jamaal Tinsley, Earl Watson, and Alec Burks… ‘nuff said) he will be dishing it out to all the talented big men on the team while drilling 3’s. If you can sell him as a top 15 player, do it.

Jamal Crawford – Oh Jamal. Every single year he goes on ridiculous tears that make his owner cling to him for dear life. Don’t do it. Don’t get sucked in. He’s like that smoking hot chick that you will fall in love immediately with but then realize she’s f*cking crazy. Whoops, she’s preggers and now you’re screwed. The good news is that Jamal Crawford can’t get pregnant. The more relevant news is that you could drop him without feeling like a prick. Trust me. Trade him to your friends, let them deal with him. Also, he’s 32 years old. He’ll need plastic surgery soon.

Mike Dunleavy – Another 32 year old. You know what they say in the NBA these days…32 is the new 25! Yeah I made that up. The dude is old. He always gets injured. ALWAYS. He’s played more than 70 games only twice in the past 8 years (OK, last year is a bit of a cop out). BTW, he’s shooting 80% from 3 which is 9% better than what he’s shooting from the free throw line. Ride the hot streak if you want, but I’d look to sell him for a more established (and younger) player.

@Principle Blackman, Besides Vasquez, the owner also has Holiday, Jennings, and Rondo, so I’m fairly confident we can work something out, but I’m not sure if I’m all that high on Greivis, and Bosh has been a pleasant surprise so far this year.

@ChrisV, I have no idea what the original comment is about. In reference to the post? I said “grab him on the cheapy cheap” meaning trade for him. Some guy in the razzball league just traded me Davis for my Felton soooo yeah.

@James Redacted, I’m totally both regretting and not regretting that trade right now. I can do without the stats he’ll produce, but it’s also 1.8 weeks into the season, so it’d be presumptuous for me to assume I know what stats I’ll need or produce on my team. Aside from blocks.