I thank you for your email inviting me to the unveiling of
your digital experience for children.Unfortunately
I feel that I am not a member of your target audience, me being an Arsenal fan
and all.There was a hint of my allegiance
to Arsenal in the email address you sent your kind invitation to – GoonerJamie@sky.com.I could understand your mistake if my email
was WeAreABigTeamHonest@sky.com,
or MindTheGap@sky.com, or even GlenHoddleWasPeleInAPreviousLife@sky.com,
but I am indeed a Gooner and one called Jamie (not Jason).

With regard to the actual content of your email, asking my
child to participate in ‘Tottenham’s fully-interactive digital experience’
would be akin to asking her to eat a piece of dog poop that has been laying in
the sun in the gutter for so long it’s turned white – you don’t want my child
to eat poop do you?

Why on earth would I encourage a child to interact with a
team that last won the top flight league before the rocket that took Neil
Armstrong to the moon had even made it off the drawing board?In fact I know more people that believe in
the moon landing than the conspiracy theory that is a winning Tottenham
team.Of course I’ve seen the pictures
of Danny Blanchflower holding the trophy and yes, I presume they weren’t photoshopped
as that’s almost impossible to do in sepia tone.

As to meeting Ledley King, I do worry that he would drop my
child, unused as he is to picking something up.I also worry he may injure himself in the process and therefore be
forced to sit with Darren Anderton for all eternity.

So to surmise, Thank you for your kind but misguided offer,
if I am ever feeling suicidal and worthless I shall pop by and visit (much akin
to visiting Asda when I’m feeling ugly).