This is a record of my journey as a Muslim. I used to be Catholic and belonged to a missionary organisation. After my conversion, I sat on the board of a Muslim converts' organisation and specialised in da'wah programmes, convert management, interfaith issues and apostasy cases. I am an initiate of a Sufi order. As such, the articles and writings tend to cover these areas.
All the Arabic and graphics could not have been done without the help of my wife, Zafirah.

Monday, 28 January 2013

Lorraine Embraces Islam

بِسۡمِ ٱللهِ
ٱلرَّحۡمَـٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

The following is the story of how Lorraine
Branson embraced Islam. I have edited
the text below. The full unedited text
may be found at My
Conversion Story.

“I was 21, and had gone through a tough time as
a teen. I had so many questions about
this disillusioned life since the age of fifteen. I remember, thinking about life and its
meaning. Why did I live and why did I
have to die? Having seen a few people I
loved, pass away, my vision of life was bleak. I did not understand why my heart was beating,
only to be tired, to sustain me physically; but for what purpose in life? It could not be only to live and to die.

My religious upbringing was Catholic. I went through all the rituals and was taught
everything about being one. I went to Catholic
schools and never knew anything else as a religion. I was never exposed except by having friends
from different faiths and backgrounds. I
never for once ever deliberated a change of religion. As the tumultuous teen years passed into
adulthood, confusion about the “meaning of life” took on an important aspect of
my life. I had an exciting life with
travels, wealth and some fame, living on a small island and going through being
a flight attendant with Singapore Airlines, winning pageant titles and finally
the crux and highlight was to represent my country in the Miss Singapore / Universe
pageant. I vied for everything and tried
everything to find this meaning of life. I liked music, parties, friends and
having fun. I tried to lose myself in
the moments of temporary happiness. Still,
I felt empty.

At the age of 21, I went through depression
after a difficult breakup and disturbing relationship issues which at the time
made no sense. The hurt, pain and
confusion became depression as I had given up my career for someone who
disappeared without a trace. That is a
long story of the past, a sequence of many unsuccessful relationships. Suffice to say, I was very disillusioned by
people, life and God. I kept waking up
feeling the terrible dullness in my heart. I had trouble sleeping and cried easily. I had no one to discuss my troubles with and
by this time, church was not an option. I
grew up in the Catholic faith, but my heart never accepted the Trinity nor did
I think God was fair to crucify one for many. And that if He did that to one, He would not
have mercy on me, when I sinned. So,
this illusionary life was a theory I could not hold on to as a life pillar or
for guidance. In my state of melancholy,
I stood at the balcony of my home in Singapore. Looking up at the night sky, clear with a full
moon and brilliant shiny stars, I asked the Maker of Creations, “God, You can Make
these stars sparkle and moon hang in the sky, without falling; certainly You
can Take this unbearable heartache away from me.” I felt so lost and quite hopeless.

Not long after, I started having vivid dreams. The first dream I had, was very frightening. I was lying in a dark space. Below me, I felt the damp ground; above me and
on the sides about 20 cm space from my body as well. I felt a thin, white sheet covering me, my
eyes were opened as I was veiled over my face and I saw a blur of white in
darkness, totally alone. I felt
terrified, and I could only call out to God to Help me. The next dream was one where a member of my
family was sick; my mother, a charismatic woman, came by and prayed on this
person, my father and others. But,
nothing happened, then I came and put my hand over the head of this sick
person, I said some prayers over this person, words that were unfamiliar, and
he became well. The last dream, was one
where I saw a skinless, dark, small and ugly creature with sharp teeth, the
form was humanlike but it was not. We
were in a space and it was trying to scare me. I uttered the words “Allahu Akhbar.” I had never
learnt nor uttered theses words before in real life. It was shocked that I knew these words, and
repeated it after me in a jesting manner. I felt anger that it was ridiculing me and I
repeated these words again, louder, harder and with belief; although I did not
understand what they meant. “Allahu Akhbar, Allahu Akhbar, Allahu Akhbar!”
He cringed and became smaller and
smaller and disappeared. I woke feeling
light.

These dreams prodded me in an unseen manner. I was being led in my soul searching. Prior to this, I had been reading books on
astrology, palmistry, parts of mystical Hinduism, Buddhism; but none had satiated
the question about the “meaning of life”. Earlier that year, I had been given some books
by a friend, the Qur’an in English, translated by Muhammad Marmaduke Pickthall,
The 99 Names of Allah and a book on shari’ah.
They sat in my drawer never opened. One night, as I sat alone in my dimly lit
room, I decided to read one of these books. As I picked them up, I realised, I had never
read my Bible fully. How could I
seriously read a book from another religion without doing justice to the
religion I had grown up with. So, I
started to read the Bible. The more I
read, the more I was confused and felt uneasy. The first Commandment Given to Moses (a.s.) was, “Thou shalt not worship any
other god but Me.” And in the latter
part of the Bible, I was told that God has a son. I always felt that my connection with the
Creator was a personal one, a direct one and questioned many times the trinity
theory that finally, I stopped attending church.

At this point where I was on the verge of
reading another religious Scripture, I was most definitely convinced that this
chapter in my life with the Bible was of no use to me. After reading thoroughly through the Bible, I
turned to open one of the first three books, “The 99 Names of Allah.” I casually flipped through to see these 99
Names. I felt more confused than I was
before. Here I was rejecting the Trinity
and faced with a God with 99 Names. I
was baffled about religion. In one night, Allah (s.w.t.) can Open the doors of wisdom to come through, for guidance
to Descend. I nearly put all these books
away, when the preface of the 99 Names of Allah opened in my hands. My fingers seemed guided somewhat, and I
started reading the story of a teacher in a small madrasah, a poor man with many students. And he was visited by the imam from a renowned school, with lesser students. They had come to inquire what made people more
attracted to the smaller and poorer school. In his answer, the shaykh posed his lessons, the remembrance of God, the recitation of
one sentence, the power over everything. And as he sat demonstrating the lessons, as he
spoke the words the first time, he disappeared and reappeared, secondly, the visitor
disappeared and reappeared and finally all the students disappeared and then
reappeared when he spoke it . They were
humbled. These words, are “Laa ilaha il Allah,” “there is no god
except Allah.”

As I read this story, I knew that I had found
what I was looking for. The
verification, in direct words, that God is One. So, I said these words out loud in my dimly
lit room in Singapore, by myself. And as
I did, I “saw” a large, glowing golden key come into my heart and unlock it with
the sound of crunching, and I felt light. I felt excited, I felt illuminated, I felt my
heart was shaking. For those who are
interested in the actual story, it may be found here: The
Reality of Laa Ilaha illa Allah in Dzikr.

With this newness in me, I decided then to open
the Qur’an. As I read it, from the
beginning chapter to the very end and throughout, each and every question that
I ever had about the meaning of life, my life, our lives, mankind’s existence
was answered. Nothing was left to be wondered
about anymore. From here, my journey as
a muslimah began. Islam is the right of every person. Everyone is born Muslim until they are taught
otherwise by their parents and carers to be something else. This purity, fithrah is our right.

My journey learning about Islam; the shari’ah and practices, reading the ahadits, learning to read Qur’an up until
learning about the thariqa’ and now
trying to live and abide the best as a muslimah;
all began in a small, dimly lit room, on a small island, continued in Australia
where access to books were limited yet Allah (s.w.t.) Provided for me, books, teachers and all that I needed to
learn and practice the Diyn in an
uncontaminated environment; in an Islamic community, where for the first three
years, I found challenges, being alone, learning all I could. The first masjid
that I made swalah in , was Masjid al-Haram
and the second was Masjid an-Nabawi, 5 years after reverting when I performed ‘umrah. Where I was in Australia, we had only two muswalah for the community.

I have been very blessed to have such hikmah. I eventually realised, after learning more
about Islam, that my dream showed me the grave and how we are when we enter
that small area. That I was buried as Muslims
were, although at the time of dreaming, I had no idea. Later in years, I had another spiritual
experience, where in dzikr, I had an
out of body experience. I would have
died because of a medical condition, but in my state in dzikr; I was reciting “Allahu
Allah,” I was delivered towards light and beings of light surrounded me. This was a very real experience one which
reminds me of the difference between Muslims and non-Muslims.

I developed a love for Rasulullah
(s.a.w.) and the Ahl al-Bayt, from reading the ahadits,
books which I ordered full volumes from America. This took place 25 years ago. There are many stories to tell about this
beautiful Muslim experience. Through
struggles and difficulties, Allah (s.w.t.)
remains the One, the Truth , the Eternal… all the Asma’ ul-Husna, the 99 Names or Attributes. That was the first book that I had
opened. The key is Laa ilaha il Allah and the gateway is Muhammadar Rasulullah.”