Mental Health 101

I thought it might be helpful, with everyone talking about “Mental Health,” if I broke it down into bite size pieces so that we could digest it more easily.

I look at the recent shooting and I can’t help but see it as the consequence of a mental illness left to fester, ignored by a mother who loved her son, but for some reason, was unable to address his illness in an effective way. It happens. We think things will change, we think we’ve got it handled, we think with more love it will right itself. In cases of pervasive, organic pathology, it does not get better. It gets worse.

I would add into the mix, the possibility that this mother was ashamed of her son’s challenges on some deeper level that she might not have recognized within herself. I know from news reports and hearing from people who knew her, that she isolated her son and was very private and protective of him. RED FLAGS SHOULD GO UP. Like all mothers, we feel a sense of failure when our children are not, “normal” and we know when they’re not. Taking incredible steps to accommodate and tip toe around our children is a sign that something is wrong. It’s always easier to see in others. When it’s in our own family, we sometimes miss it.

Some of our present day coping comes from earlier generations who experienced a tremendous shame when anything within their family seemed out-of-place or different. Those things might include, addictions, physical illness, mental illness, birth defects, financial difficulties, unwanted pregnancies, etc. (I could go on and on.) In the past it was common for people to pretend everything was fine, to deny problems, to blame others, to cover up and hide, all coping which, by the way, actually exacerbates these very normal issues. (When you believe that these difficulties point to the fact that you’re somehow intrinsically bad or without value, the shame becomes unbearable and you hide.) Unfortunately, the residual of this unhealthy, multi-generational coping, the shameful attitudes of the past, are still with us today. It’s part of the reason why we can’t seem to get a handle on mental illness and lift the stigma.

Changing an entrenched, unhealthy family pattern can be one of the most difficult tasks we face. This is where we run into major resistance, and so we just continue the patterns because it’s all we know and it’s easier. I say it’s time to shine a light on these issues and accept that they are completely normal and fall under the umbrella of what it is to be a human being.

Psychotic Disorders usually appear between late teen years and early twenties. The word “psychotic” indicates a break with reality. Sometimes the break manifests itself with audio or visual hallucinations. There are many different categories of mental illness where psychosis could also be experienced, including Mood Disorders and Personality disorders (Paranoid, Schizoid, and Schizotypal.) These are organic, pervasive illnesses, meaning, they’re not something that will change with a few sessions of therapy. They need to be treated with medication. Therapy is helpful for both the patient and family members – those who will need to accept and learn how to manage these illnesses over a lifetime. (It’s not easy.)

SIGNS THAT YOUR CHILD NEEDS THERAPEUTIC INTERVENTION – Any one of these things should raise some concern.

They isolate, they have no friends, they have awkward social exchanges, they seem disconnected from their feelings, they’re verbally and behaviorally anti-social, they’re unable to empathize with others, they’re angry, full of rage and violent, they’re verbally inappropriate, they have a vacant or flat affect, they lack a filter for their thoughts, they lack social/cultural awareness, they are depressed and uninterested in life, they have active thoughts of self-harm or inflicting harm to others, they show no self-care, etc.

The task is to normalize the heck out of it. I can normalize ANYTHING! ha! The tendency is to cover and hide, which makes things worse. The answer is to air it out, shine the light on it, and open it up for discussion, as painful as that can be for some families and individuals. I look forward to the day when a diagnosis of say, Paranoid Schizophrenia, can be received with the same level of acceptance that a diagnosis of Type 1 Diabetes would be. There should never be shame attached to any medical condition. It’s a challenge that some of us will face — we need to understand it and open our hearts to it.

I would also say that Hollywood, and even the media, need to get their act together. They need to be more mindful of how they portray mental illness. It often gets sensationalized. The old messages that equate mental illness with scary, crazy, people continue to get aired and so those old ignorant beliefs get reinforced for new generations.

As you and I know, mental illness is not a death sentence. You can have a perfectly healthy, happy life as long as you stay on top of it. It’s also good to have a sense of humor about it.

Thanks, Judy. I always include myself in the mix because hell, I’m right in their with everyone else. That’s the point I think, right? We’re all in this together. We all have problems. No one gets born into this world and makes it to the end without having experienced the pain and anguish from these types of trials.
haha! A nutshell, indeed. I’m very comfortable and used to living in my own nutshell!

Interesting post. I’d like to hear more about this boy’s illness, how it affected his life, why he killed his mother and why he felt he needed to kill those little children. There must be stories that could be told by friends and family. It’s all such a mystery. I don’t think we have the means to cope with mental illness in this world. Can you imagine what therapy would have made him unlikely to kill? I’m not confident anything would have helped.

I actually don’t think there’ll be too many stories that come out as to why he shot his mother and those children. She kept him very isolated and maintained a high degree of privacy – even from those who saw her on a regular weekly basis.

I worked for many years in psychiatric hospitals in different parts of the country. I have a strong clinical background. I’ve seen patients get admitted with acute psychotic symptoms, receive medication and within a few weeks become perfectly balanced and symptom free. They get discharged and hopefully return to managed group homes where they receive structure and guidance. Many can be employed, have relationships and live productive lives. So yes, I think we can cope with mental illness but I think our society needs to make some radical changes in the ways we understand it and in the ways we intervene. No, therapy alone would not have helped him. I’m pretty sure that he had, along with his Asperger’s, a dual diagnosis with some other psychotic disorder. He was the right age for psychosis to manifest. Had his mother taken him in for a full psychiatric evaluation, I’m 100% sure that he could have been helped. I feel this certain only because I’ve worked with many just like him.

wow. so interesting. I think you are right too…there is help out there, and sometimes you have to fight for it. So intertwined with how we present ourselves, even though its our very child who may need help.

Exactly. It takes a knowing, secure, and intuitive parent to get their child help. Let’s face it, being confronted with news that there’s something wrong with our kid is a big nasty pill to swallow. No parent wants that. But would would be worse is doing nothing, ignoring it and having something unthinkable happen. You’re so right, it’s intertwined with how we feel about ourselves.

I hope that mental health gets more attention and more resources out of this tragic incident. One problem has been mental health resources are constantly shrinking and have been for decades. My mom was a mental health nurse years ago, and it was bad then. In our schools, counselors are always the first to be cut. I hope all of that improves. I think mental health issues need to be treated as any other physical ailment, with treatment, medication, whatever is necessary. It’s all so tragic. It’s unfortunate that a lot of times, the red flags are missed. Great post, Lisa.

Thanks, Amy. You speak the truth. We need to place a much greater importance on mental health resources, especially in this day and age when people can fall through the cracks so much more easily than in the past. I live in an area outside of Chicago that surprisingly has very little in the way of places to get psychiatric care. I think insurance and funding has a lot to do with it.

I wish this would get FP’d so more of the world could understand what the real problem is. I feel like 20 or 30 years ago less people would recognize the benefits of being educated in mental health and how important it is. I’ve heard people say that they don’t believe in therapy and stuff. I feel like nowadays people are recognizing that it’s more important than physical health, really.

Thanks, Lil! It’s really not so complicated but people in society make mental illness out to be something beyond our understanding and comprehension. I think we should have to get “check-ups” just like we do with the dentist. Seriously, what could be more important than your emotional and mental well being? They should offer emotional wellness classes in schools, too. I agree.

I wouldn’t mind a regular check up if I didn’t have to take my clothes off. I don’t mind my physician so much, but I have no idea what my dentist’s deal is. Glad to see you’re putting your mind to creative and helpful uses, Lisa. That’s a good step for your mental health! Lily writes like 20 or 30 years ago was the dark ages! Explain to her that we did not read by candlelight then and we actually drove horseless carriages. (feels good to laugh) HF

Haha! Lily cracks me up! Anytime a 25 year old says, “Nowadays,” you know it’s gonna be good.
HF, I can’t play the piano, do simple math, or speak Spanish but I can understand mental health issues! (…maybe a little too well?) Lord knows I’ve been immersed in it since I was a kid. All I needed to do was go to school and get my degrees so that I could sound fairly intelligent. I’m like the sick person whisperer!
Although it didn’t really work with my husband, did it? LOL!

Journalists, like all of us, want tidy explanations of why things happened the way they did, when in fact things could easily have turned out another way. As the saying goes:

“For want of a nail, the shoe was lost; for want of a shoe the horse was lost; for want of a horse the rider was lost; for want of a rider the message was lost; for want of the message the kingdom was lost.”

Could it be that Adam Lanza suffered a brief chemical imbalance caused by sunspots (or whatever causes chemical imbalances) and so all the writing and analysis which suggests a coherent narrative about the reasons for the shooting are just plain wrong?

I know what you’re saying. This situation isn’t neat and tidy in any way. Still, it would be a little unusual to have a momentary chemical imbalance and plot and plan for an event like this. It’s more likely that it was a gradual onset of psychosis. Here are a couple of possibilities and trust me, there are plenty, and they likely won’t make sense to someone healthy.

1. the gunman could have started having auditory hallucinations off and on for the weeks leading up to the shooting. Those hallucinations might have directed him to kill his mother and the students that she cared for. (What the voices told him and the reason they gave him we’ll never know.) Many serial killers suffer from intrusive thoughts and voices that tell them to kill people and do vicious things. Remember Son of Sam?

2. He might have been a paranoid personality disorder (Cluster A – odd and eccentric behavior) Paranoids often believe that people are threatening them and want to hurt them. He might have believed his mother was plotting to kill him so he’d kill her first and then kill the children that she cared for.

3. He could have felt angry at the time his mother spent away from him.
4. He could have had depression or Bi-polar with psychotic features.
5. He could have had a psychotic disorder not otherwise specified (NOS)
6. He could have had a brief psychotic disorder brought on by a medical condition. (Something tells me if this were the case, though, his mother would have gotten him help more immediately.)

I think his plan to commit these crimes slowly evolved over time and gave him a sense of power and strength and importance – things that were sorely missing from his life. Add in the fragile sense of self, the isolation, the video games, the fact that his brother referred to him as “a nerd,” his high intellect but lack of emotionality and you start to see a picture emerge of a person capable of these acts.

Malcolm, I just heard on the news that he was angry with his mother and believed she was going to have him committed and that he was jealous of the kids she taught at school – feeling that she spent more time with them than with him.
I think he was indeed paranoid, probably psychotic, and given all the other environmental factors, was a time bomb waiting to go off.

I feel funky, too, so I’m trying to channel some of my understanding into a coherent post. Thanks for thinking I’m a wonderful communicator – a compliment that I’ve not heard often in my life. You’re a good soul, Audra, and a good friend.

As Lily commented, the thought that this should be Freshly Pressed ran through my mind as well. This is a clearly written and insightful outline on the subject of mental illness and our relationships to it in this culture. It inspired me to reflect more deeply on the issue. I read a couple of things on the web this morning that only served to muck up the dialogue for me. I really looked forward to reading your thoughts on this because of your gift of communication.

Seriously, you and Audra telling me that I communicate well is such a mighty fine compliment. I need to let that sink in. This dyslexic girl is so humbled to think that a writer of your caliber would feel that. Thanks, Sandee. If I did a good job on this, it’s only because I speak this language (mental illness) better than anything else 🙂

Lisa, my wife suffered for a year with deep depression and we tried everything to help her get better, the only thing that helped her was C.B.T. 8 weeks once a week for one hour and she was back to normal, but it needs the patient to work with the doctor / nurse.

I’m glad she found a good doctor to work with and that she was open to trying something different. I know that CBT can be very effective, especially for chronic depression. That’s wonderful. There’s help out there, no one should be suffering needlessly.

Bud has mild Asperger’s, and, because it wasn’t that well recognized when he was a kid, he was seen mostly as just being odd. I helped him figure out how to function in the ‘real’ world, and, he does quite well. Yes, he has a filter problem at times, and, like me, he doesn’t understand puns or rhetorical questions, but, he’s a gentle sweet soul and accepts he has a disorder that needs to be dealt with and that the disorder doesn’t have to ruin his life.

They say that 80% of the population has some form of a learning disability. I believe that to be true. The way we process information, understand things, learn, cope with stress, communicate, etc. is so individual and depends on so many factors. It’s amazing that we do as well as we do. I know a boy with Aspergers who goes to our church. He’s kind and gentle, too. You can see when you’re talking to him that he’s not processing the conversation in the same way someone else might, he lacks animation. The thing is, he’s fine and and his life is good. People love him. That’s all that matters. Good for you Addie for helping Bud recognize his worth and come to an understanding of something that does not have to be a stumbling block.

What I love about Bud is he is able to connect now with people. When I’m having a difficult time emotionally, he’s my stalwart one, who, even though he finds crowds and strangers as daunting as I do, will make sure I am okay, bringing me to appointments (as I’ve discussed in my blog), etc. He has an old, lovely soul. He also has a wicked sense of humor and is highly intelligent, so, yeah, he’s managed to deal with this quite well.

I know I would. Emily’s brother has Asperger’s, as well. Did you know that? She describes her brother the same way you describe Bud. Both guys sound wonderful. Each of us is given a gift from God – I have no doubt that those who struggle with these types of challenges are given equal weight in the area of the loving, kindness, and compassion department.

Hi,
A very well written post. I hope something does come out of this tragedy, more funding for mental health problems would be a good start, and getting information out there to let people know that they can ask for help.

Hey Mags! When did you get back? Why haven’t I been getting any notifications? Hmmm…
Thanks for your comment. I hope something good comes from this atrocity, as well. I think this could have been avoided with a therapeutic intervention and psychiatric assessment.

I won’t be back blogging myself until the New Year, but finally had a bit of free time and I thought I would try and catch up with everyone.
During my break, my Dad had to have a by-pass operation, he is 81, so there was a lot of worry I can tell you, but he is fine and doing well. I have moved in with him until he is fully back on his feet, my Husband has been just fantastic and has been my rock so to speak.
I have been missing everyone, and it will be great to get back into the swing.

I’m glad you checked in! I’m sorry to hear about your dad’s operation but happy it went so well and that he’s doing better. Yeah, you’ve been a busy lady living life. Your husband sound amazing- it must be so nice to have someone like that in your corner 🙂
I’ll be looking forward to your full return very soon!
Have a wonderful Christmas, Mags!! And Happy New Year!

Hi Hon, you are so right! These days, so filled with stress, busyness and a shortage of time, we miss things too often. Usually because we can’t make the time to sit and concentrate on the ‘elephant in the room’. NOT because we don’t care, but because we can’t cope! Catch 22!
Hug your child, yes great! But try desperately hard to give them undivided attention for as long as they need to open up about themselves and their lives. It may save lives! X bless you x
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Hey, Charlene. I was just telling Mags that I thought this could have been avoided with a therapeutic intervention and psychiatric evaluation. That’s to say nothing of the fact that his mother needed to seek help for herself within the community. If she had asked for help and talked about her concerns with people they might have led her to the proper help. We can’t go underground with issues like this. It almost feels like he was a time bomb waiting to go off – between the guns, the violent video games, the isolation and possible pathology, it seems like the perfect mix for disaster.
I hope everyone starts to feel more open with regard to emotional wellness issues. We need to help each other.
I think everyone hugged there child this week. Lots to be thankful for. 🙂
Much love!
Lisa xox

I’m no expert (like I really needed to remind anyone, my name’s Mooselicker for goodness sake) but I think this case was different from a lot of others. I don’t think this kid just snapped or we can blame the environment at all. He made brash decisions continuously throughout the ordeal not only to kill his mother but to then go to the school where she worked to continue the massacre. He targeted young children, whether he intended for them to be as young as they were, which is something I don’t even understand. With so many other tragic events you can almost find the “message” the killer is trying to send. In this instance there was no message and that’s the hardest part in understanding it. There were no politics and this wasn’t vengeance against people who did him harm which I think are the two main motivations in killings like this in the past. Either it’s someone disgruntled with a certain person or a group of people and this time it was really neither.

I’m sure many people know much more about the story than I do. What disturbs me most from what I know is how unsympathetic the killer was. In some instances I believe the killer has a moment of clarity where after seeing what they have done they will surrender, like in the Aurora shooting for instance. I can’t imagine anyone who thought killing kids in the first place would ever regret it.

This was not the typical angry white young boy shooting. Hopefully some things change and something positive does come from this.

It also disturbs me to read the description you said for someone who may need help and it not only describes a lot of people I know but also myself. I’m pretty socially aware but the rest are frighteningly similar. I don’t think I’m too crazy though.

I just wrote a long reply and then it got erased!!! UGH!!! Read my response to Malcolm. You may have missed a few possibilities… I think I was thorough in that answer.
This kid was disconnected in every way. He didn’t present like a typical run of the mill Goth or depressed teen ager – no, he had something much deeper going on. I can even see by that picture that his affect looks strange. I’m sure his mother could sense it but she didn’t take the proper steps that could have helped him.

The friends you’re talking about could probably get it together if they needed to have a conversation with a teacher or parent, etc. that’s the difference. They had the ability to be social if they chose to do so. This kid probably couldn’t assimilate enough to have a normal conversation even if he tried. You would sense the disconnect. It’s hard for me to articulate but trust me, if you came across it you would know the difference.

Reblogged this on Running On Sober and commented:
Lisa (at A Gripping Life) writes in her comments, “The answer is to air it out, shine the light on it…” Outstanding, useful piece, including behavioral red flags for parents to be on the look out for. Thanks Lisa.

Wow!! That’s awesome!! Thank you so much. I hope it gives a little bit of clarity to this hideous event. Once you start to understand it on a deeper level I think it gives you a handle. (I’m one who needs the handle!)
I’m all for being open and shining a light on those things that are deemed ugly and scary. It’s like a wound that needs to be cleaned out and dressed. It’s a painful process but eventually the wound heals and we get on with our life. Unfortunately the tendency is to look the other way, put our heads in the sand and isolate. None of which is effective coping and if anything, can get us into a worse situation.
Thanks for reblogging this. That makes me happy!
Lisa

We look at things very much the same way Lisa. As a recovering alcoholic, one of the reasons I blog about my experiences (among many other things) is to shine a light on addiction and personalize it to lessen the stigma. I totally agree that our tendency is to turn the other way, “ow that hurts!”, but if we don’t look at something, if we don’t talk about it, then things don’t change or they just get worse.

Remember that Jaycee Dugard quote? It’s one of my favorites:

“Why not look at it? Stare it down — until it can’t scare you anymore.”

That’s so kind, Christy. I’m glad we found each other. There’s nothing better than getting confirmation and reinforcement from somebody who walks the walk. That’s also my favorite Jaycee Dugard quote! My husband, soon to be ex-husband, was sexually abused as a child. It caused all sorts of problems in our marriage. I always encouraged him and clients that had similar issues, to talk about the experience and feelings behind it, until they were blue in the face, beat that dead horse and then beat it again. We restore our sense of control and power when we face it down – I’m convinced that’s how we get over this stuff. I understand that for some people who were raised in closed dysfunctional homes, that airing this stuff out is scary and painful. I get that. But the pain and suffering is far worse when we look the other way and let it fester. The demise of my marriage is the consequence of my husband’s resistance to talk and air it out.
Wo! Sorry for the ramble! haha! Talk about airing it out. LOL!

If you ever get a chance read “Facing Shame; Families in Recovery” by Fossum and Mason. It’s excellent.

very interesting and this was just the discussion I was having with a friend yesterday… It’s not only about getting rid of guns from our society it’s about unveiling the core issue of mental health. Your post was spot on!
On another note; one of my sons is showing a few of those symptoms you talked about… he’s six and I’ve decided to get some advice. He gets intensely angry and goes into a zone that is unreachable. He’s become difficult at school and has very few friends. Mostly he’s really sweet but when he disagrees with any authority then it’s war. My first port of call is going to be with a Dr that does a million tests and works out if the diet needs to change due to imbalances. Any suggestions are welcomed… thank you, I’m glad I found you through ‘running on sober’. love Adriana

Thanks, Adriana.
I think it’s great that you’re on top of this. Your first port of call is a good one. Look into his diet and also get a battery of psychological tests done. They’re incredibly accurate and helpful in such cases.

Who does he spend the day with besides you? Is he around any other children? Sometimes our children have regular contact with kids that are modeling that exact behavior – and we’re unaware. They’re like sponges at that age. Make sure that he’s not getting exposed to that behavior anywhere else.

My other question — have you made a move recently or done anything that might cause him to have to make a big adjustment? A new sibling? Divorce? New school? Sometimes Adjustment Disorders pop up with an added disturbance of conduct.

Some children develop Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Disruptive Behavior Disorder, or Anti-Social Disorders. These are difficult to treat as time goes on so it’s great that you’re looking into things now.

In order for ODD to be diagnosed your son would have to demonstrate these behaviors for at least 6 months. There would also need to be significant disruption/interference with day to day living. It sounds like you have that. If he has ADD or ADHD, the Oppositional Defiant Disorder would get amplified.

The best treatment for ODD is Behavior Modification. You’ll need to get organized and structure his day. Routine works very well. Be consistent. You need to set firm boundaries. You’ll reward positive behavior and ignore negative behavior. Maybe you could make a chart to hang on the refrigerator and let him put stickers on tasks that he completes. When he earns three stars he gets a treat– something like that (it needs to be something healthy that he’ll look forward to.)

Other things that might work well – art therapy, swimming, any form of exercise, music therapy, etc.

I think you’re doing the right thing, Adriana. You’ll figure it out, get a handle on it and be able to turn things around. I’m sure of it. It will take a lot of positive emotional energy on your part but I get the feeling you have plenty of that. The same energy you spend doing battle will finally go into something with positive results. 🙂
Lisa
PS – let me know if I can offer any more ideas.

Bless you! I feel very emotional reading your response. Not for any other reason other than feeling supported by your words. Thank you!
In answer to your questions: He has a younger sibling by three years and they are intensely in love with each other but also fight brutally as well. there is also an older sister by six years and they too have the same relationship. He has a few friends that come over for play dates, but not many! If he is invited to birthday parties he would rather play on his own in the corner than play party games and be social. He is incredibly creative and has produced some wicked pictures that we have applauded and made into t-shirts. We are always encouraging his creative talent. He attends a montessori school and six months ago moved from stage 1 to 2. It was a wobbly adjustment and even though he has always been a defiant child and very determined about not complying it seems his behaviour has escalated. His teacher has spoken to me about how he hasn’t integrated with the other children. There have been some violent behaviour towards some of the other kids and some of the teachers too. When he’s gripped by such a state it’s hard to reason with him and we usually have to let him calm down on his own before approaching him. Sometimes if I’m not the reason for his anger he will calm down with me much faster. He is very much in to order and where everything needs to be placed. I like the idea of the chart and you’re spot on with ignoring negative behaviour. That’s pretty much the trigger each time. We are also in the process of trying to buy a family home. So I guess there are a few aspects that might be contributing to his behaviour, but not enough to justify his intensely ‘scary’ outbreaks. I will see how we go with this Dr. Thank you again and I really appreciate your advise and support. I’ll let you know how we get on in the coming months. much love and blessings to you and your family for a peaceful and loving festive break.

The last paragraph sort of describes me when I was younger, guess I was a lucky one not to end up a murderer. I think some people are just born to be evil and that’s what this boy was, so sickening. It’s unbelievable that we still have this shit go off in this day and age, the papers over here keep calling it “America’s Dunblane” because of the massacre at a school http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunblane_school_massacre which resulted in the banning of owning personal handguns in the UK. America needs this, it’s alright saying the argument, “guns don’t kill people, people kill people” but they’re less likely to kill people without access to weapons.

First of all – keep your eye on the Fed Ex delivery man when he’s in your neighborhood. You have a little something coming your way!

Next – I think mental illness can cause a person to act in evil ways. When the human psyche is void of any emotion, when there’s no empathy and no conscience – yes, I think that is an invitation for all that is evil.

I’d definitely like to get rid of all automatic assault weapons – what on earth do we need those for? I really can’t speak to the whole gun thing right now but I seriously don’t think guns are the problem. On the same day as this killing spree, 8 people were stabbed to death in China. If people want to kill, they’ll find a way.

I agree with your assessment of automatic weapons but what do we need any guns for? I can understand the need for farmers and whatnot needing rifles and whatnot but what do the general public need a gun for in a city/town?

If people want to kill, they will find a way I agree but it’s the governments job to make it harder for people to kill. It’s a lot harder to kill 27 people with a knife than it would be with a gun.

True. Don’t forget that our constitution and founding principles are based on the idea of freedom. In our country it is NOT the governments job to do any such thing. We have laws that keep order but most people want less government interference, not more.

Lisa, thank you SO MUCH for this. You are cutting through the noise and starting a real constructive conversation, which is exactly what we need right now. As you know, my brother has Asperger’s, so one of the really painful things in the past few days for me is thinking that this could have just as easily have been him. Only it WASN’T because our friends and family have embraced him for who he is and coped with his disabilities head-on from the beginning. He is now a well-adjusted and constructive member of society who loves hard and expresses his frustrations when he has them. Our family has never felt ashamed of who he is because he is ours and we love him. I hope and pray that people like the man who committed these murders will be more accepted in our society and not written off as lost causes.

Hey Emily! I’m so glad you enjoyed this. I needed to try an get a handle on it, too. There’s so much talk and very little substance out there, right now.
I can only imagine the wonderful environment your family made for your brother while he was growing up. Love, nurturing, acceptance, patience, etc. It’s no wonder that he is such a stellar young man. 🙂 That’s the thing – much of this boils down to the way we feel about these challenges. Do we hide and suffer shame or do we embrace and find acceptance and ultimately happiness? The way we deal with these trials makes all the difference.

Here’s the exchange Addie and I had on Guapo’s post yesterday – I thought you might like it. Addie’s son, Bud, has Asperger’s, too.

ADDIE: I do find myself bristling at the sudden bringing up of Asperger’s and the Connecticut shooter–my Bud has Asperger’s, and, a more gentle soul can’t be found. I am afraid people will automatically assume all people with the syndrome are violent, either outwardly or in an internal way, and, thus, show prejudice (more than is shown already) towards those same folk.

A Gripping Life :
Those diagnosed with Asperger’s are in NO WAY predisposed to violence, rage, or criminal activity. If this gunman had been diagnosed with Asperger’s then you can bet he would have had a dual diagnosis with some psychiatric disorder such a schizoaffective, etc. There is no data to link violence with Asperger’s – if anything they are mild in the way they present.
This is what I mean, though. People are so uneducated with regard to Mental illness that they’ll throw any label on anything that they think fits.

Addie :
This is why listening to the talking heads give their version of why he acted the way he did, and drag in the Asperger’s diagnosis is so upsetting to me. The person who did this was mentally unstable for reasons we do not know and may never know, but, Asperger’s wasn’t the culprit. He was highly intelligent (as was the Aurora shooter) and socially inept (again, the Aurora shooter comes to mind), but, that doesn’t mean he had Asperger’s.

Great post, Lisa. I do feel for parents who deal with these issues and understand why they would be embarrassed about it…but from reading comments, it seems that if one is brave enough to start talking about it to friends or family, they’ll realize they aren’t alone and can work on solutions for helping their child.

Hi Char. Yeah, I think talking about it in a matter of fact way lifts the big stigma. We need to be healthy enough in our own self-esteem to recognize that mental illness is no different than any other kind of illness. It needs to be diagnosed and treated and managed. That’s all. When people go underground with it they make matters much worse. Hopefully more and more people will start to get comfortable with these issues and in time it can be part of casual conversation. I hope.
Thanks for your comment!
Lisa

Lisa.. I saved this post for last so I could really read and absorb all you say.. It’s such an informative and eye-opening one it needs to be read by the masses. Social stigma seems to be the root of this evil. No one wants to really discuss, or assist those in need. So much has changed in our society the past 50 years and that means we as a people need to evolve. I was talking with my brother yesterday (the one who was in the Iragui war) and he told me , “Sis, the doctor said I have PTSD and they have given me a therapy dog”.. From appearances he looks normal, he’s successful at work yest inside his mind it’s troubled. he is getting the care he needs but I was thrilled (poor choice of words but I was) he openly admitted and was willing to discuss these issues with me.

Part of me can’t help but think had the Mother handled this differently with her ailing son, this would have never happened.. I’m not blaming her directly, but indirectly she bears some blame..
Such a freaking tragedy for so many…

Hey Lynne. I believe whole heartedly, that if the mother had taken different measures to deal with her son’s issues this tragedy wouldn’t have occurred. She did everything wrong, in my estimation. Keeping him isolated, letting him play violent video games, taking him practice shooting, (What the hell?) and not seeking a full psychiatric evaluation. Her instinct was to hide him and protect him – Why? Like so many she saw his condition as something to be ashamed of, something that they would be judged for.
PTSD sucks. It really does. There’s a book (can’t remember the name- I’ve packed it away) that has a radical approach to ridding yourself of those traumas from the past.
I want to get certified in it so that I can help people like your brother get on with life. I’m glad that he has a therapy dog – that’s such a great thing. Mental illness is so insidious because it’s invisible, for the most part, you walk around with the living but you feel dead inside. In this area we need to evolve a little more quickly. No one should have to suffer needlessly.
When I talk at workshops people always tell me afterward that I speak without judgement, that I make it feel like we’re all in it together, that I create an open, safe feeling. (I’m seriously not aware I do this- it’s just how I am.) The result is that people come together in these groups and really bond over their struggles – free of shame, and fear of judgement. That’s how we all need to look at emotional wellness or mental illness. We need to step back and realize that we are all susceptible to this form of illness – it’s not caused by “badness” or “weakness” – no more than cancer or Alzheimer’s is. There’s not a single extended family that I know that doesn’t have some member with emotional issues. We all have them. Sadly, most people spend their lifetime denying it – which of course exacerbates it.

When I think of the title of that book I’ll let you know.

Also, I’d love to do emotional wellness workshops in high schools. Wouldn’t that be great?

I’ve recently had a few guest bloggers who’ve discussed dealing with mental health issues. Over and over again the comments centered around the idea of there being some level of shame or secrecy attached to various issues, a feeling they will be judged for admitting there is a problem and seeking help. To me this is the most crucial problem. I really believe that if there wasn’t a fear of social shunning more people would get the help they need. Then it becomes less a question of what our government or systems can provide and more a matter of public acceptance.

I agree with you 100%. The fact that people deny, hide and go underground with their “stuff” makes matters so much worse and only causes future generations to have to deal with it. We pass those multi-generational wounds on to the next group without even thinking about the consequence. We need to unpack the bags right now and get rid of these issues that we carry around with us – lighten the load. No one should have to suffer needlessly in silence. If our society embraced mental illness the same way we embraced cancer, think how healthy we’d all be. Maybe we need to come up with a new ribbon or bracelet that people can identify as part of a mental illness crusade?

Lisa you are back in full force and stronger than ever and oh you have so much to give! Just reading this one post and the comments, I’ve learned so much. It takes courage to face a mental problem with a family member. Everything you’ve said here is so enlightening.

But who exactly should parent call if they suspect there’s something seriously wrong? Is there a help line? I know I would hate to just get out the phone book and start looking for random doctors — who might start prescribing drugs that would make it worse. A little boy who used to live across the street from us had a mother who was an alcoholic and completely out of control. He was very troubled, so his father took him to the doctor and they put him on Ritalin. Then he couldn’t sleep and he told me he just walked around all night in the house or played with his toys. I felt so sorry for him. He definitely fell through the cracks of the system. How do you think something like that could have been handled better?

Hey Linda.
That’s a very sad situation. I don’t believe that little boy needed Ritalin. He probably had an Attachment Disorder. If his mother was an alcoholic it’s likely that she was emotionally and physically unavailable to him. (He could also have mild Fetal alcohol Syndrome.) He was probably left to fend for himself on more than one occasion. Attachment Disorder children need to be regressed, in a way, they need to be re-parented and made to feel secure with a stable and reliable care-taker. Even if they are older, they need to be held and need to receive constant physical contact (almost like swaddling.) I know it sounds weird but they’re missing that piece of nurturing that grounds each of us and helps us to feel secure enough to go onto the next stage. These poor kids are stuck at a very primitive point of development and so they act out of control. I’ve worked with a lot of kids like that. Play therapy, art therapy, and swimming with an adult could all be very helpful. The problem is our Mental health resources and facilities are sorely lacking. Everything is a quick fix, here’s some medication and your time is up! These sorts of issues, like this little boy, can take at the very least, a few years to see some results.

As far as getting help… I would start with the school psychologist. They should be able to offer psychological testing or refer you to a psychiatrist for a complete psychiatric evaluation.
A parent could also call the emergency room at the local hospital and tell them the situation and ask for a referral or just bring your child in if you sense things are really deteriorating. Hospitals usually have a hotline of some sort, or ‘ask a nurse.’
There may also be a non-profit agency like Family and Children’s Services that could be contacted for home visits. If any of us sense danger or real trouble we can call the police to go check on a situation. Calling the police gets a paper trail started so if needed, the kid could be removed from the home.

As I was telling HF, I can’t play a musical instrument, or speak French or do math but I can unravel emotional/mental problems very easily. I’m like the sick person whisperer! LOL!! Thanks for having confidence in my little skill set. 🙂

Oh Lisa you are like the sick people whisperer! What wonderful information. I think if people knew where to start, where to begin, where to take that first step, besides calling someone out of the phone book and besides getting a prescription to “fix them up” then so much misery could be avoided and some real healing could begin. If only there were more sick person whisperers like you Lisa.

Unfortunately, the little boy is grown now. What I did was tell the principal of the elementary school and she intervened and that’s when they took him to someone and who prescribed the Ritalin. A few years later their mother moved out and died shortly thereafter when he was only in the 4th grade and his twin brother and sister were 5. Oh it was so terribly terribly sad. I don’t know what those poor kids are doing now. It’s haunting.

Oh, I can only imagine. That’s such a tragedy. You did the right thing by intervening. It’s just a shame that not everyone in this field knows what they’re doing – all the way up to Ph.D’s and MDs. I’ve seen some doozies.

Thank you so much for writing this – though I do think gun control is a serious issue, mental illness is one that should be taken into consideration (and acted upon) as well. As someone who aspires to study psychology in college and perhaps become a psychologist, it’s scary that people try to push mental health under the carpet and leave it to fester. One of my closest friends has been depressed lately, and when my friends and I tried to persuade her to see a therapist, she resisted it as a sign of weakness – she saw that it had a stigma attached to it by society. Now that she’s finally seeing him (or her, not sure) though she’s getting much better.

Not the most coherent comment, but I do wish that in the future mental health will be a big issue and that the proper resources will be allocated to helping those with mental illnesses. It’s saddening to think what may have happened if that young man had gotten help before doing this.