Christians Are Getting Married Younger Because They Can’t Wait For Sex.

The statement formed part of the conversation that I recently had with a non-believer. She asked for my opinion on pre-marital sex and when I offered it, the conversation then moved to the sexuality of millennial Christians, young marriages and our sexual urges.

She wanted my opinion on Christians getting married much earlier simply to have sex. She said that many of her Christian friends (who wouldn’t be older than 24) were married and she couldn’t help but wonder whether there was a direct link between sex and the trend among young believers to marry much earlier.

If you say that you have not noticed the trend among Christians to marry young then I would question the sincerity of your claim because there is an obvious trend. Whether sex is the catalyst for this trend is debatable.

Are we getting married earlier to just have sex? And is it wrong?

I would be lying if I said that this question never crossed my mind. The desire for sex is an insatiable force. In 1st Corinthians 7:9, Paul says. “ but if they cannot control themselves, let them marry. For is better to marry than to burn with passion.” Other translations read, “but if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn” and “but if they do not have self-control, let them get married. For it is better to marry than to burn with sexual desire. “Every translation that I have come across includes the word burn which alludes to the intensity of the desire. Like fire, sexual desire consumes and conditions our thoughts, clouds our judgement and has a huge impact on our actions.

Referring to that same verse, Paul offers an easy solution to an insatiable appetite for sex and that is marriage. On the basis of Paul’s statement then, marrying someone you want to have sex with is not wrong. Marrying because you are longing to explore another level of intimacy with that person is not wrong; it’s the next natural step.

The Bible doesn’t shy away from speaking about the sexual immorality and how the Lord sees it. 1ST Thessalonians 4:3 says “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality”, Hebrews 13;4 “let marriage be held in honour among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous” and then the one we are probably all familiar with “flee youthful lust” paraphrased from 2nd Timothy 2:22 . So I definitely understand the premise, we’d rather marry than dishonour our bodies. So perhaps many of us are getting married earlier because sexual immorality is clearly outlawed. However, my qualm with those who subscribe to that notion alone is sexual desire shouldn’t be the deciding factor and if it is then you are clearly missing the point. I also hate that this line of reasoning is over – encouraged.

We shouldn’t be getting married younger just to have sex. A lot of young Christians will marry for sex and get divorced because the sex is poor, one year into their marriage. Imagine rushing into marriage for that reason alone to find that on your wedding night, the sex does not meet up to your expectations and so the haste was for nothing. Often we forget that sex like everything else can be mastered. We want it to be all fireworks and magic forgetting the technicalities of the actual process. Whether you have had sex with your partner before and then made the decision to abstain, whether you are both virgins or whether only one of you is a virgin, sex is the bringing together of bodies and initial awkwardness should be expected.

Getting married to purely fulfill your sexual desires reduces marriage to a performance that occurs four times a week (depending on your schedules) and that is not marriage and it’s definitely not love. 1st Corinthians 13:4-7 reminds us what love is, it is patient, it is kind, it does not boast, it does not envy”. Nowhere in that verse does Paul compare love to burning. Marriage isn’t defined by a commitment to have sex with the same person for the rest of your lives but a commitment to be committed for the rest of your lives. If sex is the only way we understand commitment then we’ve missed the part where Jesus was hung on a cross and bore the brunt of our sins.

I question the genuineness of any relationship that is simply borne out of the desire to have sex. Did you take the time to get to know her/him? Or was the dating phase coloured by your sexual appetite? Has your relationship fully matured from lust to love? These are the questions that come to mind when I hear people validate their motivations to marry young using Paul’s infamous line.

Rarely is 1st Corinthians 7:9 juxtaposed with the scriptures that encourage self control like 1st Thessalonians 4:4, “each you must control his own body in holiness and honour”. This verse demonstrates that self control is still the pivotal thing and marriage is not just a quick fix.

By all means get married and have great sex but it should never be the deciding factor. A friend of mine once said to me, “ marry someone you would still marry if you couldn’t have sex with them” and I that’s the approach I hope to take. Marriage is like a car journey. Love is the driver and companionship is the front passenger and sex is the third wheel that sits at the back.

Sex should be the cherry on the top, never the deciding factor. Don’t get married to just have sex to find that great sex is not the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Marry for something more.

I just think the message get married and you can have all the sex you want is an oversimplification. If we are getting married to just have sex then maybe we should revisit the subject of marriage.

Love Cris x

I wonder if Paul appreciated how much of an impact 1st Corinthians 7;9 would have on our decision to get married.

What do you think, are we simply marrying because we can’t abstain any longer? And is it ok to do so?

19 comments

Good point. I expect that the older Christians should be there to guide a young Christian couple and should be able to discern when they are doing it for the wrong reasons. But then again, we’re not as transparent as we should be. But I think I’ll have to disagree generally, I think there are Christians who will be getting married because they want to have sex but that can be found in every age group, being young and abstain isn’t any harder than being in your early 30’s and abstaining.
Also Christians have been marry young for generations, it’s not anything new. The only difference is that the rest of the world are waiting longer because there’s a culture of testing the water before hand. Society is losing the Christians values it use to uphold. So in comparison, yes, we are marrying younger than the rest of the world but not from the past generations of Christians.
But amen sis, for all the couples marrying just to have sex soon, REPENT lol.

Am an avid reader of your work.I like the boldness with which you take on the controversial topic of sex from a Christian perspective and I think the body of Christ suffered a long and sad history of awkwardness by not tackling these issues head-on.
Personally I think marital age has progressively shifted upwards because of educational,economic and social pursuits, so most of the marriages we call early are actually just fine, if u juxtapose that with the most fertile period of a woman’s lifetime.
Secondly as you correctly hold,marrying just for sex alone is just wrong,though it’s part of the full package and a very important part if I must stress, there are other issues that make a fulfilling union to couple and to this world generally..
Thirdly on the issue of self control,its a virtue and a fruit of the Holy Spirit that is needed whether married or single,so marrying just for sex would not keep u safe from the fires of temptation in this world.
Very good Piece Cristine.God Bless u.

I couldn’t agree more. Self control is a virtue, and a fruit of the Holy Spirit. All Christians must have; married or not. Temptations don’t cease after marriage. young ladies would still throw themselves at married men, and some young men too are “hunters”:- married or not, they’ll give their shot. Even within matrimonies, there are times that your spouse may not be as ready as yourself for sex, you’ll need self-control.
Hence, the ONLY way out of temptation, is self control, not marriage. if you ain’t got it, pray for it.

Don’t know if my last comment went through so I’ll just try to rewrite it.

I came across your work , and I think it’s well written and well thought out.

Personally I think it is understandable, but not wise. Marriage isn’t a cure for loneliness or a lack of self-control; which is the real issue here. I believe instead of condemning premarital sex, teachings should focus on helping people understand their sexual urges and desires. As you’ve rightly said, sex is something that can be mastered, likewise, we can gain mastery over our sexual urges over a period of time as well. Now that it’s clear for all to see that this trend is growing, I believe focus should be turned to helping people gain control over their sexual urges and desires.

First of all I want to say thank you so much for reading and commenting. I really appreciate it !!! secondly, I think you are right more attention should be turned to helping people build self – control when it comes to sexual desire. Thank you again for reading and taking the time to comment!!

The concept of getting married to simply have sex, as outrageous as it may sound is the fault of the overzealous new spirit churches that don’t teach the realities of life or the book that they worship.

The first problem is most of these ‘christians’ don’t even understand what the bible says. NOWHERE in the bible does it say you cannot have sex before marriage. NO where. It says ‘fornicate’ which translated means illicit sexual behaviour illicit sexual behaviour is defined is leviticus 18 ( I could be wrong about the chapter but the definitions exists in the bible) . So when you have teachers teaching people who don’t understand what is being said , simply because they have been conditioned to not question the pastor/bible or don’t have the means to read for themselves, you end up with people basing their life choices of teaching that were faulty to behind with.

But tbh Let people live their lives. If someone is happy within reason them yeah kudos to them!

Well, if they decide to fast track their wedding to satisfy their sexual appetite, I don’t see anything wrong with it. As long as their marriage is not resting on the basis of sex alone, there is nothing wrong with fast forwarding your wedding (amen), lol

(Leaving a comment a month late because of summer hols and busy-ness) I absolutely agree that marrying just to have sex gets it the wrong – living in a committed and intimate relationship with someone is about far more than just physical intimacy. And physical intimacy is about more than just nakedness or sexual contact. I would hesitate to say that sex is just the ‘cherry on top’ though; I think it is one of the greatest ways in which people can be playful with each other — and we grow through play. I can say from personal experience there is a profound heartache at not being able to do this with the person you are committed to in all other respects — and the heartache isn’t from knowing ‘other people are getting it’, it’s from being unable to pleasure and be pleasured by the person you care most about. Of course, a relationship has to be deeper than just sex if it’s to be able to bear up under those circumstances, and one hopes a relationship in a marriage would be.
I think another factor in this is that, as a Christian, the idea of a lifetime of commitment (to Jesus, if no one else) is a concept I grew up with; it doesn’t unnerve me, but I know it does unnerve other people. That may be why millennial Christians are less hesitant to marry younger.
Last thought I’ll throw into the mix is that I’m becoming less and less convinced that sex is the insatiable desire you might think it is from a cursory glance at 1 Corinthians. Ancient Greeks did see sex as a hunger, and Paul was undoubtedly writing into that context; but there’s a case (too long to make now) that says (a) it wasn’t his view and also (b) it isn’t the case. I do think when it is perceived as a ‘need’ we get into dangerous territory very quickly.

Just reading this now and I agree with your comments. Sex is definitely to be enjoyed (I hope) but as you have said being in a committed and intimate relationship is far more important than physical intimacy. Thank you so much for reading.

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Cris

I am Carrie Bradshaw, mixed with a little bit of Alley McBeal and Phoebe from Friends. In other words I am a writer, a (wannabe) lawyer and a weirdo.
I'm desperately trying to make sure my book collection exceeds my shoe collection and failing... but please do look around. The pen definitely flirts but it doesn't bite.