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July 25, 2008

Interviewing Gillian is a very cruel thing to do. Ever since the sex scandal occurred, the negative criticisms came constantly. Expecting a girl, who has been exposed to everyone’s eyes, to pour her mind and soul out to a stranger while she is still facing the obstacles and pressure of her own mind, is more or less like sprinkling salt upon her wound, and then harshly rubbing upon it.

Yet, she still chose to explain her feelings during this time period in detail.

This misery has not become the past yet. It seemed to take quite a bit of effort for Gillian to talk about this issue. However, although half of her life has been taken away by all the negative reports, she is still facing this hardship strongly, and she frankly speaks of the faulted love of her life, and what she is doing with herself during this time. After this interview is printed and released to public, will there be people focusing on one phrase of this article without taking regard of the meaning of the whole piece? Will there be more people pointing fingers at this girl? I do not know. However, the courage, which I do not know where Gillian obtains it from, that she uses to face up to her problems is already enough to make you and I look at her with esteem, telling the listeners to look at the sunshine and shadows of life, with deep reflections.

After It Happened…

The Gillian sitting in front of me had absolutely no make-up on at all, yet she still looked as beautiful as she ever did, yet between her eyebrows, a tint of frustration can be seen. While she speaks, she constantly uses a bitter smile to cover up her impulse to cry. Such sights already tells the listener to have a bit of pain in his heart. Remembering back to when the sex photos were released, a shower of frustration washed over the public figure that Gillian is. Even now, the shadows have not retreated.

“After the photos were exposed to public, I was so afraid that I nearly went crazy. I really wanted to leave this place, avoid everyone, but where could I go? My head felt like it was going to explode. I was so depressed that I only knew to keep phoning my mother, repeating that I needed to rest. I wanted nothing to do with making me stand out into the light and receive the criticisms of anyone. During that time period, I cried incessantly. Besides crying, I didn’t know what else I could do. I refused to leave my house. I felt like I was being trapped inside a cell. I felt horrible.”

Shutting yourself up is good, cutting all the contact that you have with the outside world, with silence filling your ears. However, after the scandal erupted, Gillian constantly went online to take notice of the news reports, forcing herself to know what was happening. This method of curing a harsh situation with an even harsher way, obviously cannot help a depressing mood regain balance, but towards Gillian, there is reason for her to do that.

“They kept telling me not to look at what other people are saying because I will definitely see some nasty words, but I have to know. Even if some of their words hurt painfully, I’d rather that I can see it at home, and keep my sadness to myself. It is anyhow better than finding out after I step out of my house. At the very least, I’ll be prepared.”

Stepping out…

The huge waves pounding towards her, Gillian was so frustrated, yet she is a public figure, and yet her conscience reminds herself that she needs to face the audience. Finally, the waves arrived, and Gillian was the first person to step out, she stepped out even before the male lead involved.

“I was so afraid when I had to give my speech. At that time, I really thought that I should wait for him to come out and respond first. Was I expected to come out and admit to it? What was I supposed to say? Helplessly, he didn’t step out. Moreover, I am a member of a group. I have to be concerned about Charlene first. I can’t drag her down, making it so that she has to avoid the media as well, and affecting her career. Therefore, no matter how scared I was, in the end, I became the first person to come and respond to the public.”

“The day of the press conference, Charlene, Mani, and I were panicking greatly. Mani and I even took half a pill of tranquilizer before coming out to give a speech. However, eating it proved no use to me. When seeing more than a hundred reporters, my mouth and hands were shaking. However, I had to speak, so I kept going. At that moment, I wanted to cry after I spoke a few sentences. When Mani saw that, she immediately pulled me away. I didn’t mean to say so little, but I really didn’t know what I should respond about. Moreover, if I continued, I would’ve broken down on the scene, so I barely made it through my speech, admitted that I did it, and then I had to leave to calm down.”

Very Foolish, Very Naive

Willing to come out and explain does not mean that everything comes to an end. Gillian decided to be the first one to give an answer, so she was destined to be the first target, allowing anyone to make a scene out of whatever she says. Having no tears, some people claim that she feels no remorse; a word of truth, some people tease her as the “Naive Gillian”. It seems to be a sin, whether or not she has spoken.

“I chose not to cry in front of the public because I factually did take those photos. Seeing as I did it, yet they were exposed to public without permission, so what can I do but to admit it? For this, I feel very apologetic, especially for the people who support me. Among them, there are little kids and parents, I know that this issue has brought them great disappointment. For this, I feel very overwhelmed. I don’t know what I can say to make things better. When I said that I was very foolish, and very naive, I wasn’t talking about taking the photos. I was talking about the faulted love I had for him. At the time, my emotions were unstable, so I couldn’t make a clear statement about the issue, making people misunderstand what I meant by very foolish, very naive. Taking those photos was a very private thing between the two of us. I have never intended for other people to publicly look at them. The photos leaking out was an accident. If other people have to discuss about such a private issue, I am helpless about it, yet I have no way of avoiding it either. However, I have never hated anyone for it, not even him, I don’t. Because I have once loved him, I have no reason to blame him. He has also paid a price for the issue.”

“After I gave my speech, there were people saying that I was crying to death over a magazine secretly taking photos of me changing, yet I didn’t cry this time, thus the former was because I was acting and trying to get people to feel sympathetic towards me. Using this chance, I really, really want everyone to understand. That time was when they took photos without my permission, I wasn’t willing to do it, obviously I would feel depressed enough to start crying.”

“Then, there are people saying that I am deceiving my fans, and claiming that my speech was to push the blame off of myself. I felt blank. Am I really expected to tell all my fans publicly about everything I do every single day? Can I not have a small bit of privacy? Does coming out to respond, admitting that I did it, equal to pushing the blame away? I really don’t understand.”

Depressing, Yet She Has To Continue

Either way, it does not matter what is said. Basically, after these private photos were publicly exposed, and whether the victims come out to respond or apologize, there is already no reasoning in existence. Those people who twist up the v
ictim’s words and tease about it, these actions, even if we think until our brains explode, we will not receive an answer upon why it is done. However, no matter how depressing it is, Gillian still has to continue. Gillian has no choice but to let time wash things away.

“I was online again today, and again, I saw people saying on the internet that I shouldn’t return to the stage anymore. They claimed that I will only drag Charlene down that way. Other people told me to go film adult videos, and they said that only filming porn is suitable for me… (She stayed silent for about twenty seconds.) You don’t have to take responsibility on words stated on the internet, so people are extra harsh in what they say. I also understand that as there are people supporting me, naturally there’ll be people disliking me. Thus, when even nastier words are spoken, it is useless for me to feel bad about it. This issue has caused a lot of damage. Even if time passes by, people won’t forget about it. The only thing I can do is to not think about it so often, and make myself feel a little better. (A bitter smile appeared.)”

“The hardest thing is to face the questionings of the reporters. For example, the time when I returned to Hong Kong from America, there was a reporter yelling and asking me whether I have seen Edison, and asking if it’s because I don’t stand a chance in Hong Kong, and that’s why I have to go to Amerca. They kept asking until I got into the vehicle. They were even pounding on the car door, wanting me to answer. That day, I was on the plane for 24 hours before I got back to Hong Kong, and I even lost my luggage on the way. I was ridiculously tired, yet the questions just kept coming… Yet, I understand that they’re doing it for their job, they have to ask, even if I refuse to answer.”

“I failed her.”

The problem has not been solved. Not only has the gossip put Gillian in the lowest point of her life, it has also put the future of Twins at stake. Upon this issue, Gillian feels like the most apologetic towards her partner of more than six years, Charlene.

“During this time, my colleagues and Charlene have helped the most, especially Charlene. She has taken quite a bit of my burden. I know that it’s very hard for her. No matter what happens, people keep making her respond. Not only does she have to face up to her own pressures, she is also afraid that she’ll make things worse for me if she gives a wrong answer. She also has to sing alone on stage. Everything adds up to her fears. I have truly failed her. Every time I apologize to her, she ironically consoles me instead. She told me to never say such silly things… I only want this to go into the past.”

Not Getting Along

When reporters used to ask about whether Twins have ever not gotten along, the twins always brush the question off with a smile. Factually, when collaborating for six years, how could everything could smoothly between two strangers? Yet, from the company’s arrangement for the two to get together, from when they met, to when they had frustrations, to now having an intertwined heart, this kind of fate, has accidentally helped Gillian into facing the hardship today.

“When we first came into the showbiz, the people around us would always say that I was better than her, or that she beats me here. There are always people trying to set us against each other, so we were a little distant first. We didn’t know if we could trust each other, especially when Charlene came into the showbiz before I did, so people knew who she was, but they didn’t know who I was. With all the comparisons, pressure comes along. When we were collaborating, even when if we had problems, we didn’t want to argue about it like little kids, so we’d rather keep it to ourselves because we were afraid that we’d offend each other if we said anything. If we weren’t happy with each other, then the duo would be broken, so we stayed silent until three years after our debut, Charlene, another colleague, and I went for a vacation in Taiwan, and we started spilling our hearts out to each other.”

From that day on, the two frankly spoke of what they thought. Gillian had even encouraged her partner, who at the time had the thought of leaving the showbiz, to continue on no matter what.

“I never thought of leaving, and we’ve worked so hard for such a long time. We were finally seeing the results, so there was no reason for us to waste the hard work that we had done, so I told her to keep her spirits up. I can really take laborious things; if not, I wouldn’t have such a great passion for action films.”

From that day that she was supporting Charlene, today, their identities have been reversed, so that it is now Charlene’s whole-hearted support. This fate, again taught Gillian to have another ounce of energy to stand up again after she tumbles.

“Our Love of Six Years” had a lyric that said, “This kind of no abandoning defeats the skies and grounds, and I am willing to be you instead.” Today, the two finally put this line to truth.

Preparing Oneself

All this time, Twins had always wanted to do more training, and add more new elements into the busy career that they have, to let the audience be refreshed of them. No one would have expected that this opportunity to train came from Gillian’s incident when she is forced stay out of the spotlight, a helpless situation indeed. However, weal or woe is never able to be predicted by people. This opportunity to train, Gillian will definitely have to grasp it nicely.

“I am a very energetic person. I can never sit down and do nothing. If you’re telling me stop working and just sit around for a whole week, it equals to telling me to waste time. It hurts even to think about it. During this time, I have continuously been training. I am in love with dancing and kung fu right now; I really want to get involved with an action film.”

As she has a goal in her life, Gillian has the encouragement she needs. Towards the future of her career and likeness of the audience, Gillian has no certainty that she will succeed. However, she is concentrating on change, and it is definitely a positive way to solve a problem.

“I can’t worry about it that much. I only know that at this moment, all I can do is to prepare myself with skills. When the audience sees that you’re using a very long time to learn and train, they’ll be expecting to see you perform better in the future. That is why I need to work hard to learn new things, and have the people who support me be satisfied. I don’t want to give other people another chance to look down on me. No matter what the comments of the outside world will be in the future, I will stand up and face it as it comes.”

Towards the future, Gillian frankly states that she wants a new beginning, starting with films, because this is the best road that she has to regain confidence. If she returns to the stage as Twins, then she will only be afraid that her partner will again have to bear with her the risk of being complained about, like the charity event at the beginning of this year, and feel grieved over it. She is even more afraid that it will cause the point of the performance to change. Standing back up after falling over is not easy, and after standing about, she has to be strong enough to walk into the crowds people. Gillian is stronger and braver than many of the men out there.

Her Story

Before and after the interview, I have always wanted to find a chance to justify Gillian, to ask everyone to put down their bows and arrows and give her time to stand up on her own feet again. However, can objective comments really change the minds of other people? No one can promise it. With this chance,
I want to talk more about Gillian’s growth from childhood. Hopefully, this side story will help you, who has known Gillian Chung for more than six years, to know more about her story.

“My father passed away when I was one year-old, and left my mother and me back to make a living. From then on, we constantly had to move from place to place to make it convenient for our relatives and friends to take care of me. Simply for kindergarten, I’ve been transferred schools for 5-6 times. In my childhood, I couldn’t make any friends, neither did I know how to interact with my mother. Every time I switched family residential camps, I’d be scared to the core. I’d worry that I won’t be able to adapt to the new environment, and I’d be afraid that if I disturbed anyone else, then my mother would be worred. Everything that I met up with, I would keep it in my heart. I didn’t dare to express my own feelings, so I had no confidence.

“Fortunately, during these times, I had my grandfathers taking care of me, and during my high school years, I finally settled down in one house, finally departing from the messy life I had. When I was young, I didn’t know what I could do to lessen the burden that our family had, and when I grew up and became an artiste, I noticed that my performances can bring so much applause and support, which also gave me the confidence I never had. I can even take some of the burden off of my mother. I was so emotionally touched, and that is what is telling me to continue. The experiences of growing up had made me realize that I can endure any kind of bitter situations until I can finally become a good and competent singer and actress in my career.”

Epilogue

Frankly speaking, when interviewing Gillian before, there had always been an invisible barrier of the identity of an idol surrounding her, telling her to be careful and shield herself between her words. Her answers have always been quite “standard”. Yet, after this setback, Gillian ironically has a feeling of being relaxed, as if she is now in a state where she can give her whole way out and no longer care about what others think. When speaking of her faulted love in the past, the criticisms of the audience, the contradicting feelings of her inner heart, everything came out of her mouth in detail. From that, she had added more flesh and blood to that perfect doll of an idol in the past. Perhaps reality is always contradicting. Sometimes, you have to fall to the pit point of your life before you finally recognize yourself clearly. It also teaches other people to evaluate you again. Such situations, where gain and loss are in equal existence, completely makes up our cruel life of black humour.