Hi. Today, I realized something. Even though the internet is populated with all sorts of information, you can learn a lot more by talking to experts on a particular subject. However, no matter how much information becomes open and easily accessible, there are still topics that people don’t want to talk about. These topics can be extremely important, and as part of my karmic service for wishing the death of certain people, I’m going to discuss important things people never talk about.

Masturbation

I know television has started publicizing masturbation, but they haven’t had a proper discourse on the best ways to masturbate or the importance of masturbation. Usually, television just shows masturbation as a humorous thing…and it’s really not. Masturbation is important for various health reasons, the least of which being that you are less likely to commit sex crimes if you masturbate often. Also, if you’re really good at it, you won’t eventually be Lorena Bobbitt’d for being a dick.

Shaving Special Parts

Hair removal on your special areas can be very exciting, but it’s definitely something you don’t talk about with friends or loved ones. How would you even begin a conversation with your girlfriend or wife asking her to shave that special place? She might accuse you of wanting to sleep with 12 year olds. Even worse, if you’re the girl, how do you ask a guy to shave his? I can’t imagine that ever ending well. There are lots of reasons for shaving genitalia. Maybe you just don’t like eating hair when you’re munching carpets or giving mouth hugs. Maybe you really do want to sleep with 12 year olds. Either way, this is an important conversation to have with anyone who’s genital hair you might interact with.

Spelling and Grammar

I’d like to blame internet chatting, email, and text messaging for our nation’s grammatical errors, but it’s simply not true. This problem precedes computer technology, and it comes down to one thing: People suck at grammar. A lot. And their even wurse at speling! Do you see what I did there? Anyway, it is a very difficult subject for most people to talk about. If you point out every misspelling a person makes, or every improper usage of punctuation, you’ll eventually lose them as a friend. Which may not be a bad thing. Beware of pointing out mistakes to your employers though. It may lead to funemployment.

Plucking Eyebrows and Nose Hair Trimming

It’s weird how much hair removal stuff is hard to talk about. In addition to pubic hair removal, it can be hard to talk about normal grooming techniques. It’s at least twice as hard if you’re a male. But, if you’ve ever seen a unibrow or a hair jumping out of your nostril, you know the importance of talking to an expert about hair removal. What’s worse is that while talking about pubic hair removal can be somewhat sexy, nose hairs never are. Still, keeping yourself well groomed enhances your attraction, so don’t be afraid of expressing yourself. Unless you have ear hair. In which case, you should hide in a cave, because you’re clearly a troll.

Sex Fantasies

When I wake up, I touch myself and feel the smoothness below. Then, I think about a beautiful girl with the most perfect spelling I’ve ever seen. She sees my well trimmed nose hairs and starts talking dirty to me. Whispering soft nothings about spreadsheets and numeric relations, I become more and more turned on. She knows I’m close and pulls the trigger, telling me how much she would love to eat a big, juicy steak…

It’s important to be able to talk about your sexual fantasies without the fear of ridicule, no matter how ridiculous they might be. It helps everyone. Girls will find it useful to know one keyword (“Statistics” in my case) that will get you off instantly. It’s a good timer saver! Even more importantly, a guy will finally be able to satisfy the woman he’s with when he learns that her biggest fantasy is being dominated by an accordion player. (It’s not that hard to learn.)

Open discussion of these sorts of things will always lead to better relationships with the people you love. More importantly, it can affect the world. If everyone can talk about their sexual fantasies and proper grooming habits, then everyone will be satisfied and well groomed. Not only that, but it brings us a step closer to a world in which proper spelling and grammar is glorified and masturbation is a healthy activity. I see no problems with this.