Used To Be In Love With Him

My first love will always remain in my heart, I don't love him like I used to before but he has a special place reserved for him. I somehow feel like I have a place in his heart too. We were once very happy together 3 years ago and the words 'I don't care for you like I used to' will always haunt me. I cry sometimes about it. The first heartbreak is always the most hurtful. I swear I felt my heart turn ice cold and something hard hit it and broke. That's what I felt when he said those words. He left me for another girl and I cried and cried for months on end wishing he would come back into my life. I remember that I couldn't stop thinking of him and thinking that I would never get over him. People say that pain heals in time but we keep special memories close to our heart and eliminate the ones that meant nothing.

I'm over him, but at the same time, I'm not. During and after the relationship, I used to fantasize about us... together...but now when I try to, it just doesn't feel right, it ends up drifting off to my current boyfriend. The bit where I'm not over him is that I have pictures of him on my phone that I can't bring myself to delete, it's just something I can never do. Even if my very own life depended on it.

I still sometimes get upset when I find out he has a girlfriend, even when I have a boyfriend -_- I'm such a bad person.

I still love him... but in a totally different way. I love him because he showed me light in the darkest of times. He showed me I can and will be loved by someone who has a choice to love me and not even half of my family don't show me love or appreciation or respect for that matter. I thank him for making part of me who I am today. I can trust people, showing me what love is and people do care about me.He might never know this but that is the reason why I will always love him.

Last time, I talked to him was November. We talked like friends who are catching up. But the reason I believe I have some place in his heart is he asked this question "Have you had any boyfriends?" I told him about one and not being sure if we were together (on and off relationship) and it being long distance. About an hour after telling him and bringing up some funny memories, he starts flirting but I never took it seriously. Then about a few weeks later, on the day of my birthday, he came over to my house and gave me a birthday card, said happy birthday and left. Inside the card was a picture of me and him when we went out. He had it laminated! Then on the card it said 'remember I'm just 5 minutes away, I'm always there for you if you need anything, as I promised'. I still have the card. Can't throw that away or lose it. But since then I haven't attempted any contact with him.

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