Thought this might help...

I had a really bad experience over New Years and been feeling guilty, scared, and upset by it. Thought telling a friend would help, but I can't think of any friends I can tell that wouldn't be seriously freaked out. So I joined just so I can throw my concern/story into cyber space. Get it off my chest and get feed back without scaring and getting judged by family/friends.

This is my story in a nutshell... I've been through a lot and done a lot to myself... Self harm, bulimia, anorexia, overdose, been sexually assaulted, done dangerous things and not cared if I killed myself in the process (not a real attempt, just a basic disregard for my own life). My little brother was killed in an accident 3 years ago... he meant so much to me and while I lost him, I also lost my faith. I know there may be a lot of religious people on this forum, but I truly believe there is no god.

Anyways in general, most of the time I'm not depressed or suicidal, but when I drink... sometimes I hit rock bottom and most of the stuff mentioned above is triggered by my drinking.

So New Years I was in a different country, meeting up with amazing people I used to work with, and it was going to be a great reunion fun party huge city wide street party. It was great in the beginning and I thought I had my drinking under control. I didn't though... every chance I got I was taking swigs of vodka and at one point I guess I downed almost a full pop bottle of vodka.

I blacked out... which isn't uncommon for me. A friend and I got separated from the group when we went to a paramedic to look at my hand (fell, cut myself pretty bad). After that she said I would go from being hysterical and crying, demanding I go home (remember I was in another country, really hard to go home) and telling her I wanted to kill myself. Then the next second I'd be laughing or trying to fight her.

I do remember bits and pieces of this. I do remember wanting to die and it's not the first time I've felt like that. I kept trying to run away from her and I would run into the street and yeah not good.

Anyways that's my story. I ruined my New Years and my friends and once again tried to hurt myself while drunk. Just wanted to get this off my chest.

Hey, welcome. Hopefully it was a bit therapeutic for you to get that off your chest. I agree with WildCherry about first seeking out some support group to try to keep your drinking in moderation since it seems to be your biggest problem at the moment. I share your views on the existence of God as well. I can never understand why innocent and good people die when they are so undeserving of such an end that soon. ._. Also, just keep posting your thoughts and feelings and find people you can talk to because even if you think you are just mildly depressed. They can eventually become bigger, more mind-threatening issues later on if you keep them all bottled up inside. It feels better to release.

Thanks for the replies and I'm working on my drinking. I don't drink very often, but I almost always binge drink when I do. So I'm doing my best to remove myself from situations that make me feel uncomfortable and want to drink that much.

It's just incredible how hard life can seem at times even if in comparison to others, you've got it easy. Life is just hard... way too hard.

:welcome: to the forum. i am glad you joined us and felt you could share with us. i hope it helped if even just a little. Have you sought any types of counseling for your issues? It sounds like you may still be struggling with coming to terms about the death of your brother.

Yeah I tried counseling for a little while. Gave up on it too early probably. I would say I'm in a much better place with handling his death, but it definitely changed my life. Made me look at things a lot differently and I miss him all the time. Sometimes it's hard not to get angry or sad that he's gone. When I think about that, I guess I can get pissed off at life in general. I probably need to go back to counseling or something. Find a way to talk about him and remember him. It's amazing how much our minds forget. If it werent for all the pictures I have of him, I'm sure I'd even forget what he looked like at times. Sucks.