Posted:9th Oct 2003-I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroidproblem?'

-When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then Irealised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and askedhimto forgive me.

-Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale andsold the engine?

-I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to goswimming.

-I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't getonwith my real ladder.

-I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So IorderedFrench Toast during the Renaissance.

-A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.Motoristsare asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

-well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. Butoneday I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break mybonesbut names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it wassticksand stones all the way.

-My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably whyhegot thrown out of the the fire brigade.

-Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have agood hand.

-I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

-If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out ofmeat?

-You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

-Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from thingsthey don't understand, such as working for a living.

-I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

-right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I'veforgotten this before.

Posted:9th Oct 2003SAT Answers - The following questions and answers were collated from SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be president someday.)

Q Name the four seasons. A Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q How is dew formed? A The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q What is a planet? A A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q What causes the tides in the oceans? A The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q In a democratic society, how important are elections? A Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q What happens to your body as you age? A When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A Premature death.

Q How can you delay milk turning sour? A Keep it in the cow.

Q How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q What is the Fibula? A A small lie.

Q What does "varicose" mean? A Nearby.

Q What is the most common form of birth control? A Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q Give the meaning of the term "Cesarean Section." A The cesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q What is a seizure? A A Roman emperor.

Q What is a terminal illness? A When you are sick at the airport

Q What does the word "benign" mean? A Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a trick, this is a stunt. The difference between a stunt and a trick is that a trick is something that tricks or fools the audience, a stunt is something that only an idiot would do -Ivan, Ash Circle, 10/04/03