New Jersey Gets the Horn & the Finger at the Zombie Apocalypse

NJ resident Alex Yarde finds out on Z Day he won’t see the next sunrise. He doesn’t take it well.

Now bear with me. At the risk of burying the lead, NJ is summed up in this quote.

“I am from NJ. I curse… a lot. I say “yo”, and I say it often. I never had school on Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur. I sure as hell don’t pump my own gas. I know what real pizza tastes like, and I know that a bagel is much more than a fuckin’ roll with a hole in the middle. I judge people by what exit they get off the parkway. I can navigate a circle–with attitude. All good nights must end at a diner–preferably with cheese fries. It’s a sub, not a hoagie or, worse yet, a hero, and I wash it down with soda, not pop. Two words… “mother fucker.” I don’t go to the beach, I go down the shore. And boardwalk brawls are just a part of the atmosphere. Yes, I drink cawfee. I know that 65mph really means 80. I’ve always lived within 10 minutes of a mall. When someone cuts me off, they get the horn AND the finger. And they expect it. I am from New Jersey, and damn proud of it.” ~author unknown

The writers of Harold and Kumar go to White Castle were from Randolph, a stereotypical suburban New Jersey town.

My beloved Garden State ranked dead last of states who’s population is prepared to survive the zombie apocalypse.

In an article titled “U.S. States Most And Least Likely To Survive The Zombie Apocalypse” written by Ryan Nickum for real estate website, EstatelyBlog.Com all 50 states and Washington D.C. were ranked to see who’s population who would fair best based on 10 criteria including – number of Active military personnel, veterans, physically active, martial artists, survivalists, zombie enthusiasts, laser tag aficionados, gun owners and highest percentage of obese residents.

And New Jersey is at the bottom of the list.

“If the zombie apocalypse began today, and you live in New Jersey, the odds are 100% that you’ve already been bitten and have become a zombie,” Ryan wrote.

Alaska, Wyoming, Colorado, Idaho and New Mexico snagged the top 5 spots of most prepared U.S. states.

Estately gleaned a few takeaways based on their findings:

“From the rankings, we discovered these surprising truths…

– Delaware is an island of survivors in the zombie-strewn hellscape that will be the Mid-Atlantic.

– Florida, where the zombie apocalypse (like all serious problems) will no doubt begin, is oddly not in 51st place.

– Wisconsin can now make fun of Minnesota and Michigan about something other than the Green Bay Packers standing in the NFC North.

– New Jersey and Mississippi routinely end up on the bottom of lists. All lists.

– Rural states offer favorable survivability.

– Something’s wrong with Nebraska.

– Utah loves laser tag.

The West Coast and the South will eventually agree on something―the delicious appeal of brains.”

Now I’m proud to live in New Jersey. We are a proud people. My family and I love it here. The wilderness reserves, farm fresh produce and eclectic mix of cultures are unsurpassed. For example, my local Italian grocer several generations in business, makes a gravy (sauce) you can eat with just bread it’s so good. Right down the street is a black owned and operated rib joint sporting some of the best Baby Back ribs I’ve ever had and I’m a rib guy. Our state boasts four hospitals that are nationally ranked including number one. The number one golf course in the country, in Pine Valley NJ and New Jersey is the best public education provider in the country. On the other hand, we pay the most in property taxes compared to home value. So Zed, if your out there, do me a favor and bite me before my real estate taxes are due.

I started this section All Things Geek a year ago last month as it’s Editor. Ironically, my inaugural piece was “Surviving The End Of The World or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Zombie Apocalypse” I never guessed the top of the list would be “Don’t live in New Jersey.” All that being said, I can’t accept this. This is JERSEY, we are survivors. The City of Newark has had more than her share of problems since the ’70’s but she’s still a grand, proud lady fixing her make up with her head held high. We survived Hurricanes Irene & Sandy and Christies George Washington Bridge Shenanigans, we are tough, Jersey Strong, even our squirrels will kick your squirrels asses. So on Z-Day, I’m going out blasting a mixtape of Sugar Hill Gang, Misfits, Ice T, E StreetBand, Biz Markie, Bon Jovi & Craig Mack (all from Jersey) at a crisp 85 on the Garden State Parkway, leaning on the horn with my finger out the window shouting “Fuck you Zed this is Jersey!”

Read Ryan’s full article and find out how your state fares with a complete ranking of the 50 states on zombie apocalypse preparedness at EstatelyBlog.Com

About Alex Yarde

Alex Yarde is a husband and father living in New Jersey. In earlier times, you could find Alex in New York City teaching outdoor education to the great kids from Erasmus High School in Brooklyn. Today, you can find him on Twitter at @thatalexyarde.