Archive for August, 2009

Oh hey, there Monday. What’s shaking? You know what I love about you? That you don’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks. You’re all, “Suck it bitches. I hate you, too”. You’re a bad ass and that’s to be applauded.

If you were an 80’s band you would totally be The Cure-all sad and introspective and “Oh woe is me”. I like The Cure and I like you, too. You’re looking good today, Monday. Nice and rainy and overcast. Gothic Sexy! I’m wearing all black and extra eye liner just for you today.

Omg, Monday-thank you by the way. It was so cool to get to work and see that T Saur was already here! No, really. That hasn’t happened yet since I get to work at seven thirty (ish) and he doesn’t come in until 8:30-but what a great way to start off my work week. He already had his bag of Cheetos that he will manage to munch on for the next two hours which will also exacerbate his throat clearing. Cool beans!

I’m sure you haven’t forgotten about awkward Monday morning chit chat! Quite possibly this is the highlight of my work week. My manager comes around and asks everyone how their weekend was and judges their responses accordingly. I get nervous and over share while she silently questions her hiring choices. “I got hammered on Saturday night! But at least I didn’t drive, right?!. Ha!”

I’m already looking forward to later today when I go to the gym and grocery store-they’ll be super crowded and annoying. I love fitnessing within a foot someone else with excessive perspiration issues. I also heart having to excuse myself thirty five times while buying my three food items for the week.

Alright, Monday. I better run. It looks like you scheduled some sweet nine o’clock meeting for me to attend so I better internet right quick prepare! Talk to you soon!

Yeah, this may sound like I’ve lost my mind, but bear with me. Or judge me mercilessly for the stupidity of this post to which I will say, what did you expect? I’m hungover.

1. A morning eye-opener. If you are not an experienced binge-drinker, you may be thinking of an eye-opener as a steaming shower or a hot cup of Joe. While these are good practices in general, I’m talking about a hair-of-the-dog-that-bit you eye-opener. What’s your poison? Beers? Vodka? Have a little bit of whatever you had the night before and you will be right as rain. Or just go with a Bloody Mary right away. Kettle OneLycopene is a hell of an anti-oxidant.

2. A Greasy Breakfast. Richmond has a plethora of options for the perfect hangover breakfast – Joe’s Inn, Starlight, Millie’s (omg yum), but you are likely on your way to work during most of your hangovers. Therefore, I recommend my favorite breakfast sandwich of all-time: a chicken, egg and cheese biscuit from Chik-fil-A. It’s not on the menu. You have to request this precious golden combo. It brings a tear to my eye it’s so good.

3. Bold fashion statements. When hungover, it’s easy to forget that you are a professional and that you should look the part. If you’re like me, you will put on the most random assortment of clothes possible and convince yourself that you should dress this way more often. Yesterday I was channeling Jackie-O. Today I am Phoebe from Friends. It’s probably not my best look, but I’m too hungover to care. I’m patting myself on the back for remembering to use conditioner in my hair. Just a few minutes ago I saw a guy from IT wearing pin-striped suit pants , a polo shirt and his Hokies visor. We exchanged a fist-bump.

4. Caffeine. A stimulant will do very strange things to your fragile, weakened body. When hungover, I like to have as many caffeinated drinks as I did cocktails the night before. When the caffeine kicks in, I will shake and sweat in uncomfortable places. I’ll talk too fast and laugh inappropriately, in short barks much like a hyena. In short, I’m really annoying. It makes the all the crazy peeps downtown steer clear of me. I can walk around in peace. If you work in the city you understand how rare and pleasant this can be.

5. _________________ Fill in the blank. Another perk? Apathy. You finish this list. Yawn. I’m going to go stare at my cube wall for awhile.

I know it’s only our first date, but I think you’re very special. When first we met on the sale rack, I sincerely doubted that you were my type. You are long and skinny and I am short and solidly medium. I never thought it would work out between us. But when I took you into the dressing room my heart was beating wildly. Your two-way stretch fabric is flattering, indeed!

I bought you at once and shoved you into my closet were you hung, waiting patiently, for many weeks. You must have grown weary wondering when I would free you from those cumbersome tags. I did not forget you; I was too shy to ask you out. I grew doubtful of your 27-inch inseam, and blamed a trick mirror for my purchase.

I finally gathered my courage today to free you from the closet. I must admit, it was a decision made only because I had no time to iron anything at 8:27 am this morning. Your wrinkle-free fabric was exactly what I needed to be on time for my first meeting today.

And here we are. You are sitting just below my hips and just above my ankles. Your retro fit gives me Bettie Davis ankles! You get me like no one else has in quite some time. You laugh at my jokes, and make me feel oh so pretty. I’ve never felt this statuesque and skinny before! You’ve even complimented my giant bag, which I find so endearing.

I hope we will be seeing a lot more of each other in the coming months. I can’t wait to introduce you to my jean jacket and ballet flats…

Where has the summer gone? It seems like just yesterday I praising the Baby Jesus for the Spring Semester to be donezo for VCU. Before I know it the Fall Semester is upon us and those crazy kids return like a plague of locusts to entertain and delight me as I drive to and fro work on the daily.

You can spot the freshmen pretty easily. First of all they appear to be about 12 years old. Secondly, they’re scared shitless. Being a freshman is hard! You don’t know where to score the decent drugs or where you can buy your underage brewskies. I can’t help them with any of that craziness, but I can help them with equally important tips and tricks to surviving their first semester of college.

1-Hang out at Monroe Park at night! Sometimes you can’t find anything to do at night and you get bored and antsy. If you find yourself alone and it’s after nightfall, may I suggest a stroll around scenic Monroe Park? It’s totally safe and quite lovely this time of year. The hypodermic needles and crack pipes just glisten under the late summer Moon! Cash is King so free to carry any valuables with you as well.

2-Park anywhere you want! Or rather, don’t park anywhere at all! You read that right-just don’t bother parking! Ever! Need to pick up a friend right quick? Drop off a term paper but just don’t want to deal with parking your car? No parking, no problem! Just stop your car in the middle of the road and put on your hazards! Trust me; no one will mind that you’ve backed up traffic for five city blocks! The best time to do this is preferably around 5:15 when all the “grown ups” are getting off of work and are trying to just get the hell home to chill the fuck out fortheloveofgod.

3-Disgregard all street signs and traffic lights as they don’t apply to you! You know how you learned in school that the red hand meant “Don’t Walk” and the white dude meant “Walk”? Well scrap that because those rules no longer apply to you! Is there traffic headed your way but you need to cross the street? No worries! Just get you and fifty of your closest buddies to just walk out in the middle of the road into oncoming traffic. The cars can’t hit all of y’all right?

4-Join a Greek Organization! Meeting new people can be hard and sometimes people like to pay for their friends. If that’s the case then I suggest joining a sorority or fraternity. Greek life is huge at VCU and only the coolest of the cool get in. I know what you’re thinking, “I thought VCU was a bunch of Lil Baby Hipsters/foreign exchange students/weirdos from Northern Virginia?” Wrong! The cool kids are totally rushing-and so should you!

5-Smile! Rams are a notoriously friendly bunch so it’s important to smile and say “hi” to random strangers at much as possible. A lot of times it may seem that they’re trying to block you out by text messaging while walking, listening to their iPod or hiding under that hoodie but underneath is really a friend you have yet to make! Go up to the next person you see and give them a great big ole hug. Trust me-you’ll be glad you did!

So Robin Starr’s dog died because she left it in her car. That is sad, no doubt about it. The dog was 16. Is it possible that she did not know her dog was in the car? Of course. Another way to think of this incident is this: would the woman, who transformed the Richmond SPCA in to one of the most successful no-kill shelters in the country, intentionally leave her pet locked in her car for four hours? No.

Today’s Richmond Times Dispatch features a brief article outlining the known facts, and asks readers to look for more coverage including an interview with Starr in tomorrow’s paper.

Andy Jenks elaborates on the story on the NBC 12 website and first mentions how outspoken Starr was against Michael Vick. Then he copies some information readily available on Starr’s bio about how she put forth her vision of making the Richmond SPCA a no-kill shelter. Her accomplishments were secondary to her criticism of Michael Vick.

So why mention her condemnation of Michael Vick? What was the motivation for that reminder? Was it to get the reader to pause…think on it…and draw the conclusion that Starr may be a hypocrite? Is he suggesting that this accident is similar to electrocuting and drowning dogs who don’t make enough money in dog fights?

I’m not sure if there is enough unintentionally hilarious local-crime fighting reporting from Andy Jenks to win back this viewer.

***Update: Jenks latest post includes a line on how Starr was also critical of a man who starved 11 dogs, all before mentioning her achievements. See Judge Jenks here:

RICHMOND, VA-Local area office worker, TLW, was stricken with a sudden and painful paper cut earlier this morning forcing her to abandon being productive for the rest of the day. The paper cut occurred during the normally routine task of replacing a file back in its cabinet. “I swear to God this is the deepest paper cut anyone has ever had”, TLW told reporters earlier this morning. “Eff, man. I mean can you see my bone, or is that just me?” she asked as she closely examined the wounded finger. “That’s it for me for the day”, she proclaimed, shoving her mounting pile of work to the side and settling in for a healthy dose of internetting interspersed with text messaging, personal phone calls and smoke breaks.

Sources close to TLW state that paper cuts are only one of many excuses she uses to forgo her normal office duties including, but not limited to: state holidays she’s forced to work, full moons, hangovers, rainy days, and Fridays. At press time TLW was currently catching up on Facebook, textsfromlastnight, some favorite local blogs and The Onion.

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