Wow, you're a lot more polite that I think I would be able to be. I'd be tempted to reply "I can't believe you expect us to pay for your child's birthday party"

Trust me, I've been tempted--but it's useless. People with this mentality won't see it as wrong no matter what you say or how you say it. It's just easier to get off the phone and get on with my day.

I have to be honest though--I think sometimes part of my frustration is a product of the fact that I feel I am set up as the bad guy here for not providing these things--but we simply can't afford them and I honestly don't see how other people can--but that's not my business. Nor do I feel it's polite to put the guests up to paying for these shin-digs.

When I had birthday parties (25-30 years ago or so), they were usually out of the house. When I was really little, it was McDonalds. When I got older, it was bowling, or (usually) roller skating. My mom has since told me roller skating wasn't cheap - you got 4 hours, pizza, soda, cake, skate rental for everyone.... (tradeoff was my parents just had to sit there while we all amused ourselves. She said it was so worth it.) And they paid for it all! All my friends' parties were the same!

Even my last party when I was 16....I got to invite 3 friends to go to the Hard Rock Cafe in DC. My parents paid! Wouldn't have dreamed of not paying! And this was the norm for all of us. People who couldn't afford it had pizza and cake at their house. And no one cared where you went, although we all loved the fact that my one friend with a pool had her birthday in the summer.

I'm just trying to figure out what changed in people that so many seem not to follow this anymore.

I think the change is that people have been marketed to the point that they believe that they must throw parties that they can't afford themselves. So, the solution is to have the guests pay their own way. The justification I see given is that "Well, this way, they'll have a great time! Isn't it better that we all chip in for Fabulous Party Place, rather than have cake and games in the living room?"

Then, the hosts are hurt that people who can't afford it don't show up, not realizing that their own desire to party like the Kardashians is the problem.

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My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

When I had birthday parties (25-30 years ago or so), they were usually out of the house. When I was really little, it was McDonalds. When I got older, it was bowling, or (usually) roller skating. My mom has since told me roller skating wasn't cheap - you got 4 hours, pizza, soda, cake, skate rental for everyone.... (tradeoff was my parents just had to sit there while we all amused ourselves. She said it was so worth it.) And they paid for it all! All my friends' parties were the same!

Even my last party when I was 16....I got to invite 3 friends to go to the Hard Rock Cafe in DC. My parents paid! Wouldn't have dreamed of not paying! And this was the norm for all of us. People who couldn't afford it had pizza and cake at their house. And no one cared where you went, although we all loved the fact that my one friend with a pool had her birthday in the summer.

I'm just trying to figure out what changed in people that so many seem not to follow this anymore.

I don't think it has changed. Most of us are saying that we've never been asked to pay for a party.

We had a Bear party for DD last year. None of the guests bought any extras because we made sure that each guest had enough to cover a bear and an outfit. Now, if they had wanted 3 outfits and the bear Harley, that would have been on them. We've also been to a Bear party where the host covered just the cost of a basic bear. I did pay extra for an outfit but I didn't resent it because I knew going in that that was going to be the case.

We've never been asked for money for any other party the kids have attended, thank goodness.

I'm just trying to figure out when the heck the mentality changed. When I had birthday parties (25-30 years ago or so), they were usually out of the house. When I was really little, it was McDonalds. When I got older, it was bowling, or (usually) roller skating. My mom has since told me roller skating wasn't cheap - you got 4 hours, pizza, soda, cake, skate rental for everyone.... (tradeoff was my parents just had to sit there while we all amused ourselves. She said it was so worth it.) And they paid for it all! All my friends' parties were the same!

Even my last party when I was 16....I got to invite 3 friends to go to the Hard Rock Cafe in DC. My parents paid! Wouldn't have dreamed of not paying! And this was the norm for all of us. People who couldn't afford it had pizza and cake at their house. And no one cared where you went, although we all loved the fact that my one friend with a pool had her birthday in the summer.

I'm just trying to figure out what changed in people that so many seem not to follow this anymore.

I have to be honest though--I think sometimes part of my frustration is a product of the fact that I feel I am set up as the bad guy here for not providing these things--but we simply can't afford them...

I agree. It's the bait and switch which I dislike because it makes one look like you only want to attend if you don't have to pay. Which is true. Because the "hosts" chose the venue. Even if I had tons of cash, if *I* am contributing to the cost, I should get a say in the menu and the venue.

Maybe the birthday child wants to go to the zoo and have pizza, fine, they choose if they are hosting. But if I am paying, then my kid would rather go to the museum and have ice cream. Either host or warn me in advance on the invitation so I can decide. I don't like bait and switch anything. Who does.

FWIW I'm a party-at-home mom, but I do think that the parties at home can end up being way more work and way more expensive, even without considering the cost of time and the resources needed to have a house large enough.

This is so true. While I'll admit that we went overboard on a few of our kids bday parties, it wasn't too "show off" it was because we really enjoyed our kid's friends and having some over the top parites was fun to put on. (We were also the parents who chaired the school carnival) Some how, 20 kids at the local roller skating rink with pizza costs me less than 15 kids in our back yard doing "Fear Factor" competitions. Cans of snails can get expensive.

We were poor growing up, but I had awesome parties in the yard at home because we had 66 acres of space. So my mom would make a bon fire and we'd camp, cook hot dogs and marsh mallows, play hide and seek...basically I got to have sleep overs with more people. But my friends said these were AWESOME parties.

We just hosted a 3rd birthday party at our local community clubhouse. I didn't want to have it at home because I wanted to enjoy talking to my adult guests (the parents of the other 3-year-olds) instead of making sure the 3-year-olds weren't breaking our pianos, china cabinet, TV, etc. We estimate that for 40 guests, invitations, clubhouse rental, pizza, softdrinks, ice cream, cupcakes, balloons, party favors etc. the party cost about $200. But it was exhausting to carry all those things to the clubhouse and clean up afterwards. The next party, I think we'll have at the roller rink so we don't have to do so much work.

The next party, I think we'll have at the roller rink so we don't have to do so much work.

Don't forget to charge for skate rentals.

LOL. I need to find a way to charge people in advance so I can make a commission. And cover the cost of my family unit's skate rentals and pizza. Oh, if I invite enough people, I can even purchase new skates for us! And knee pads, helmets... just kidding!

We just hosted a 3rd birthday party at our local community clubhouse. I didn't want to have it at home because I wanted to enjoy talking to my adult guests (the parents of the other 3-year-olds) instead of making sure the 3-year-olds weren't breaking our pianos, china cabinet, TV, etc. We estimate that for 40 guests, invitations, clubhouse rental, pizza, softdrinks, ice cream, cupcakes, balloons, party favors etc. the party cost about $200. But it was exhausting to carry all those things to the clubhouse and clean up afterwards. The next party, I think we'll have at the roller rink so we don't have to do so much work.

Way earlier in the thread I mentioned that I used to have parties at the ice skating rink for exactly this reason. It was a little over half the cost of the cheapest at-home party I could do, and a whole lot less work. The skating rink even provided goodie bags! Basically all I had to do was hand over my credit card and show up. Bliss.

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Some people lift weights. I lift measures. It's a far more esoteric workout. - (Quoted from a personal friend)

We just hosted a 3rd birthday party at our local community clubhouse. I didn't want to have it at home because I wanted to enjoy talking to my adult guests (the parents of the other 3-year-olds) instead of making sure the 3-year-olds weren't breaking our pianos, china cabinet, TV, etc. We estimate that for 40 guests, invitations, clubhouse rental, pizza, softdrinks, ice cream, cupcakes, balloons, party favors etc. the party cost about $200. But it was exhausting to carry all those things to the clubhouse and clean up afterwards. The next party, I think we'll have at the roller rink so we don't have to do so much work.

Way earlier in the thread I mentioned that I used to have parties at the ice skating rink for exactly this reason. It was a little over half the cost of the cheapest at-home party I could do, and a whole lot less work. The skating rink even provided goodie bags! Basically all I had to do was hand over my credit card and show up. Bliss.

I agree, throwing the party at home or at the park or clubhouse can be a major pain. Even if you spend a little bit more money at an outside venue, you SAVE in headaches, hassles, and cleanup...whatever works. The money to spend on paper plates and cups in preparation, the party pizza place or bowling alley could very well be cheaper.

I don't really think the place is the issue here, it's charging a fee. You would hardly charge $5 for hamburgers and hotdogs in the back yard party. Even at a cheapo cake and ice cream party, either limit how many guests if you can't cover the cost or find another way to work the budget. If Billy wants to invite EVERYONE in the school, great if you can afford it, or tell Billy he's going to have to trim the guest list.

We were poor growing up, but I had awesome parties in the yard at home because we had 66 acres of space. So my mom would make a bon fire and we'd camp, cook hot dogs and marsh mallows, play hide and seek...basically I got to have sleep overs with more people. But my friends said these were AWESOME parties.