Thursday, December 8, 2011

PurpleSaurus is straight up on a roll heading into the end of the season, charging up the standings and finally putting up the numbers we always knew we were capable of. Is this primarily due to the return of certain parties from the PUP list? Not my place to say, but we're heading into the playoffs with a swagger not seen since the days of ... ever for this band of misfits.

Perhaps it simply took this long for us to build up a sufficient tolerance to the sweet sweet poison that fills that blue jug of death every week, but I 100% stand by the decision to have completely wrecked my productivity for the last 10 Fridays with debilitating Kool-Aid induced hangovers. The juice no longer impairs us, it FUELS us! We derive our power from the Kool-Aid, and the Kool-Aid rewards those who put their faith in it.

Last week was a game that almost didn't happen, but fun was snatched from the jaws of disappointment as Team Easier faced the Purple in a game short-handed on both sides. Little did we know the poor souls were playing sober, but that shortcoming was quickly remedied following our post-game tunnel of perpetual celebration. The pink and purple bled together and for a few glorious hours we became ... light purple. Or something. I'll work on that. Magenta?

Tonight will see another unlikely combination of players on the field, as an entirely different half of our roster will be out for office holiday parties, but the power of the purple is like Mjolner: whosoever wears the purple, be they worthy, shall posses the power of PurpleSaurus Rex. Every member of the squad has demonstrated their worthiness through some facet of their person, be it sparkling athleticism, unabashed alcoholism, belligerent douchebaggery, general tomfoolery, or raw sex appeal.

The last victim to be crushed beneath the PurpleSaurus regular season steamroller tonight is Just Kickin It. There are few things that are sure in this world, but these are a few of them: Santa is real, Tim Tebow cannot be stopped, the ginger seal is an abomination and we should not meddle in matters that nature has already sorted out, and PurpleSaurus Rex will win this game.

People keep coming up to me asking how we feel about the loss to Teabaggers this week... A game that we were ahead in most of the way until we gave it away... I couldn't quite articulate how I felt without approaching an assault charge... So I'm just going to let Dennis Green tell you folks, dead on, how the Walks felt about losing to Teabaggers this week...

Instead of playing this week, we are off to party with the other 3 cool kids in Capital. We'll drink our sorrows away with rapists, pedofiles, and sexual deviants. You can probably guess which teams we're talking about. We'll see you next weekend

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

What do dynasties do? They dominate, take no prisoners and dance on their opponents' kickball graves. Yeah everyone knows that. But HOW do they continue to stay on top for so long, even after people think they have figured them out? They evolve. They make adjustments. Changes. To the naked eye it all looks the same, but that's because the changes are subtle. Relax was at a point where we don't find ourselves that much. We tied two games in a row. We didn't panic like some teams would, we buckled down, made some small changes and then took it out those pervy pervs from Candy Van.

They pulled up in their shady van with no windows. They told us it was full of candy, and we actually took the bait. But when we hopped into the van WE were the one pulling the Sandusky. Too soon? Probably. We did a bernie FINE job at jumping on Candy Van early and keeping them down. I won't say they lost their cool when we went up 2-0 in the first inning, but I will say that they started to screw the pooch. Which, ultimately is the same thing.

Now we have the playoffs and I'm sure we'll see them again. It'll be cold out there, but we'll heat it up. Until then, Relax and Let it Happen.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

PurpleSaurus is currently in the midst of an identity crisis. Are we dinosaurs or are we Kool Aid spokespeople?

Are we men or are we muppets?

Are we human or are we dancer?

Whatever we are, we're apparently all to GD popular because people's social schedules have just been FAR to crowded for kickball as the holidays near. I've gotten weak excuses like "I'm out of town for work", "I got hit by a car while riding my bike", "My grandparents are in town for my graduation", "I'm not on your team", "I'm not legally allowed to be within 100 ft of the punch you make", and other less-than-valid reasons for failing to appear at Gillis ready to ball. Regardless of who shows up, we'll put a team together and dominate.

As our regular season wraps up this evening, the Dillon Panthers are bummed that kickball is on hiatus until February. We had all kinds of ideas for sprucing things up in our Second Season. We thought maybe the promise we showed in Season 1 would allow us to bring in a more established player to boost our offense like when Parks & Rec got Rob Lowe and the guy from Piranha 3-D (underrated movie if you ask me). We also JUST figured out that sliding in Gettis park is almost never a good idea and that bunting isn't quite the offensive fix-all we had originally hoped.

We also learned important things about ourselves. Win or lose, we don't want to do it by more than 2 runs, and the only thing worse than losing is losing when the other team scores all of their runs on one play. We learned who is punctual (Ashley and DJ), and who is not (Carrie, Jamie, and Reed). We learned that Jonathan and Helen basically just signed up for the cool Waka T-shirts. Hopefully we did not learn that this $100 bar-tab for writing weekly GMOT posts was a trick they play on new teams to make all the posts.

Either way, we had a great time in the regular season, and after we win tonight and clinch our spot in the Winner's Bracket, we plan to have a great time through a couple rounds of the playoffs. Or not.

As Coach Taylor would say, "What the hell, you want a hug or something? Get out of here." C.E.F.H.C.L.

Look, folks: I'm going to get real serious up in this GMOT entry. Tonight, Candy Van has the chance to clinch their first ever regular season title. A guaranteed good game full of trash-talk and drunken athleticism. And we couldn't be more excited about it. So excited, that we kind of feel like Peter Pan in the movie Hook. You know, we're the familiar hero (full of veterans) that everyone is excited to see, but Rufio (Relax) is not all about losing their power over the camp. Fights will ensue (drinks will be drank), sides will be chosen, but in the end, Rufio will realize that he needs to align with Pan if he wants to survive. We're pretty sure Relax won't die in the end like Rufio, but we're not fortune tellers.
Field 1. 8 p.m. Candy Van v. Relax and Let it Happen. Damn good kickball with a bunch of crazy drunks.
BANGARANG!!!!!!

It's been an interesting season for Better Red than Blue Balls. After
starting with back-to-back shutouts and a #2 ranking in the Live
Standings, we let the success get to our heads and we slacked off. We
went from a high-protein, low-carb diet plan to $3.99 Prime Rib
specials at Expose; from wind-sprints to lines in a Chevron bathroom
with our hobo friend Casper.
The only physical exercise we've gotten in the past six weeks was from
the transportation and disposal of that hook—err... All we're saying
is that if one, hypothetically speaking, were to accidentally come
upon a deceased lady of the night and wish to give her a proper
burial... I've said too much. Just know that the low water levels in
Town Lake aren't doing anyone any favors.
Getting back to kickball (hell of a segue), we slacked off and now sit
at a bland 3-3 record. The most telling statistic is that in our three
losses, we've scored a grand total of 1 run. The good news is that
we've never given up more than two runs in any game, so should we ever
figure out this whole offense thing (defense wins championships is
obviously a lie), we might be a team worth paying attention to.
If anyone has recommendations for increasing runs, we're all ears.
We've tried the whole horse steroids route, but that doesn't react
well with our pitcher's STD medication (guess which one in the
comments and win a beer!) Is the secret squats? Because I don't think
I can do those on my Bowflex.
After a bye week and Thanksgiving, it'll be a nice return to kickball
as this week, in a battle for mediocrity, we play Just Kickin' It (who
are also 3-3). We've both lost to Balls Deep and beaten Balls & Dolls
this season, so there's no real takeaway from the shared schedules;
we're just hoping for a good game, a victory for the good guys and
copious amounts of drinking.