Welcome to my bloggy home. Here, I strive to make you laugh like never before, cry warmhearted tears, get silly, and be naughty. Together, we'll uncover morsels of sweetness in the light and dark. You'll leave craving chocolate. That's a given. I'm a bad influence. Oy vey, am I a bad influence! {But I do recommend fair trade and organic varieties.} Please enjoy the samples, and may you fast become addicted. I hope you'll return again and again. Then once more.

One Rainbow Tribe in an Orange World (but only for now).

Monday, December 31, 2012

This piece stems from the prompt "Resolution schmezolution" as part of Jenny Matlock's Saturday Centus. My feelings about resolutions and cocoa haven't changed since last year, so I'm reposting. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE

Resolution schmezolution

A year defined by destitution

Across the globe we witnessed strife

When will we learn to cherish life?

The i’s not capped with Pod or Pad

And dieting just drives us mad

We reach for more to sate the greed

When food and shelter’s all we need

So let’s be glad the year is gone

While we strive to mouth ye Auld Lang song

A new start is what the world needs

There’s just one thing I must concede:

I make no lists, for old time’s sake

And won’t scale down cocoa intake!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A PERSONAL NOTE ~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back at 2012 isn't easy. Events of the past year stretched my emotions to new depths. But I've also reached new heights, and I'm ending on a high with my first published book. Plus, I awoke every morning safe, warm, healthy, able to laugh, and with access to fair-trade chocolate. That's a lot to be grateful for. And so I am.

I appreciate YOU, too, and can't imagine my life without this wondrous blogoverse. Thanks for your constant cheer, friendship, creativity and wit.

I am especially grateful to those who consistently visit and comment. Whether or not I'd commented on their most recent pieces, they've been here post after post, and, in some cases, year after year...

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Chuck at Apocalypse Now and Shannon at The Warrior Muse are hosting today's Choose Your Own Apocalypse Blogfest. We're describing how the Apocalypse will (or, by the time you read, or are unable to read, this) has happened. Plus, we're sharing how we've prepared for our own survival.

My entry takes the form of a song.

Apocalypse by Stupidity

Sung to the tune of the Gilligan’s Island Theme Song

Just
sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful day:

The
Mayans launched a calendar

They
used a slab of clay.

They
used a slab of clay.When they reached the date we’re at today

It
began to rain and pour.

The
slab flew out of Mayan hands

And
stopped on Jersey Shore

And
stopped on Jersey Shore.

The
cast and crew tripped over it.

Their
tiny brains confused.

"The
whirlold stops now," they said.

O.M.G.
What the f*k do we do?"

O.M.G.
What the f*k do we do?

“I
know, I know!” Snooki yelled

While
chugging kegs of booze.

“Tell
everywon life ends today.

Start
with Big Bird and Fox News!”

Start
with Big Bird and Fox News!

The
rumor spread and then they said

“Need
plans or else we’re sunk.”

So
they leaned against the bar and then they

thunk
and thunk and thunk.

So
they leaned against the bar and then they

thunk
and thunk and thunk.

One
braincell in-between them all

Boiled
with thoughts that most would shun

Causing
Doomsday through what some might call

Spontaneous
combustion. Spontaneous combustion.

So,
the bad news is stupidity

Ended
life. I’m sorry, folks.

The
good news: if you’re singing this

The
whole thing was a hoax! The whole thing was a hoax!

So
come back soon, right here, my friends

We’re
sure to get along

'Cuz
none of you’s a dumb*ss like the idiots in this song.

Like
the idiots in this song.

Not
at Li-ife by Chocolate!

Just in case it’s not a hoax,
though, while hundreds were scurrying for the last of Hostess Twinkies, I made
arrangements with a Hostess Executive (don’t ask me how, it could taint my
image) to secure all of the remaining Ding Dongs. I’m secretly storing them at
my place. Drop by anytime.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Please excuse my recycling of old posts lately. I don't have a lot in me for new ones, and most of you weren't visiting Life by Chocolate in 12/10, when I first shared this. Plus, we all need a hearty laugh. I hope this takes you there.

Dr. Philistine:The
world is shocked and saddened by Mr. and Mrs. Claus’s impending
divorce. TMI uncovered the scandal here: TMI clip. Now I'm gonna do everything within my power, and I mean everything within my power, to save their marriage. Let’s welcome them to my show. Come on out here, Mr. and Mrs. Claus.~Stage director amps up applause meter.~

Dr. Philistine:Welcome. You’ve been together since 1834. When did your marital problems start?

Mrs. Claus: I have always been a
bit bitter that I am not as iconic as he is. Without me and my cookies,
he'd still be a clerk at the Kost-co in North Pole Village!Mr. Claus: 1835, that woman has been on my case every day since....uhhh....what was I saying?

Dr. Philistine: Mr. Claus, do you have a drinking problem? Because you cannot change what you don’t acknowledge. You cannot change what you don’t acknowledge.

Mr. Claus: I do have a drinking problem. It's a problem when I don't have a drink in my hand!! Attorney Candycane offers an affirming nod.

Dr. Philistine: Mrs. Claus, is it true that you have
been sowing some wild oats? Because it's
time to get real about your life. I said it's time to get real about your life.

Mrs. Claus: That really frosts-ma-butt
when he plays the victim about town! Is this about my pole dancing at
the Slippery Peppermint Stick lounge? Really, when are we women going to
take control of our own sexuality and come out of the prude closet
dontchya know? Yeah, I took control over my life and he decided to stop
taking his Extendz to break ma down!

Dr. Philistine (turning to Mr. Claus): Something's not right here. Look me straight in the eye and answer this: Have you been unfaithful to your wife? Mr. Claus: You look me straight in the eye. Look at her, would you want to hit that every night?

Mrs. Claus
tears off her jingle belled garter, violently flicking and hitting Mr.
Claus with it. “You *bleep*in piece of *bleep!*" Attorney Candycane
intervenes to subdue her, and the audience chants, “John-ny!” “John-ny!”
“John-ny!” Mrs. Claus returns to her seat. Silence fills the studio. Dr. Philistine (sighing): I’m
concerned about the elves. All of this tension in the home isn't good
for them. Mrs. Claus, you're
fighting for custody. How will you support them?

Mrs. Claus: Dear, I can only say that
the new life I have simmering on the back burner is very lucrative. Most of dem are over a hundred now anyways.
It's time for them to experience life! Dr. Philistine: Now, let’s be honest. How’s your sex life?

Mrs. Claus: I've started manufacturing my own holiday line of personal pleasure electronics, Dear. And as my troop dawgs say:

(Mrs. Claus stands up and does the booty clap before continuing in rap style...) Poppin' bottles in the ICE----like a blizzardWhen we drink we do it right---- gettin' slizzardSippin' sizzurp in my ride----like Three 6Now I’m feelin' so fly like a G6!!Put your hands up dontchya know!Like a G6, Like a G6!!!Now I’m feelin' so fly like a G6!!!!

Mr. Claus (nodding his head definitively, in obvious disagreement):
Don't believe anything she tells you. Santa has no problem getting his
wooden soldier to stand to attention. Maybe if somebody dressed like her
sister, I would want some sex.Dr. Philistine: We’re almost out of time. I’ve arranged for you to attend a treatment resort in Texas. These experts
specialize in couples from the North Pole facing the 176 year
itch. They'll get you back on-track on time for Christmas. Are you willing to
accept this help? I said, are you willing to accept this help?

Mrs. Claus: If I can get my Sizzurp on there, I'll go dontchya know. I love him still. I do. Look at 'em all bowl full of jellyish!Mr. Claus (eyeing Mrs. Claus flirtatiously): Are these the same people that helped Marie and Donnie Osmond?

Dr. Philistine: Very well. Thank you for joining our show. Do you have any final words?

Mrs. Claus (She stands up to booty clap again and toys with Santa's fur before turning to the camera): Hi to all the reindeer and elves watching back home, peace out. Mr. Claus: Who's stocking do I need to stuff to get a drink around here?Dr. Philistine: Merry Christmas, everybody (waving). He
greets wife Robinstine, sitting front row center, and they exit
arm-in-arm. ~Insert Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas Is You, and
cut to the credits~

With gratitude to the illustrious InvisibleSeductress for playing Mrs. Claus, and the unforgettable PowderedToastMan
for playing Santa. Their creative, outrageous humor
is inspirational. Dontcha think? Thanks for all of the laughs, you two. Happy Holidays, all! xo

Heated
tensions continue between my confident writer's voice and my insecure
self. As you may recall, Dr. Phil sent us on a 26-day intensive
sponsored by the Foundation for Insecure People Attached to Secure Writers’ Voices.
Yet my voice and I remain at odds. In fact, my insecure self slapped my
secure writer’s voice with a lawsuit. Appalled by such treatment, I
solicited the help of the harshest of harsh officials: Judge Judy. Let’s
watch…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge Judy (Glaring at Insecure Robyn):I’ve
read your claim and it appears to be a bunch of bologna! What exactly
are you suing for? Or are you just here to waste my time?

Insecure Robyn: Well, uh, she told some people that I, we, I mean, she’s writing a book.

Judge Judy: You’ve gotta be kidding! Do you even have half a brain lady? That’s why you’re suing? What’s wrong with that?

RSWV (Robyn’s Secure Writer’s Voice) flips her hair back with a smarmy smirk.

Insecure Robyn (shaking):
I, um, I’m just, I'm not a real writer. Real writers publish like three
or nineteen books and I’ll be lucky to do one before I, like, die and
stuff. And I don’t have money for publication and I’m not famous like
Snooki. She’s published, you know? Girl can’t read and she’s published!
Anyway, I do have 26 cents saved for publication, but I hear that’s not
enough. And my book might be funny but it’s gonna be a little sad too.
And they'll be disappointed because nobody likes sadness. (Robyn starts to cry.Sniffling and tearful):
And some people –for example, really moronic men- might get mad at me
when they see their really moronic personal ads in my book.

Judge Judy (Rolling her eyes): This is sounding more and more twisted. (Looking at RSWV): What would you like to say in your own defense?

RSWV: Well they posted their moronic ads and some of them even wanted to date her. Look at her! She points at Insecure Robyn, who blows her nose loudly into her sleeve. They deserve it! But they’re not exactly literate anyway, so what the *bleep* is she worried about?

Judge Judy: I can’t argue with that. (Glaring at Insecure Robyn):
Your case has no merit! I offend people all the time. You think that’s a
bad thing? Think again and check my show ratings while you’re at it
sister. Now, you’ve wasted enough of my time! She stands up and exits the courtroom.

RWV flips her hair back again and walks off proudly.

Insecure Robyn hides her face in her mucous-filled sleeve and trudges behind her, dodging the cameras.

**

Post-script: True, I’ve started a book and have felt too insecure to make this semi-official announcement until now. I’m excited, though.

Today's post-post-script: Little did I know I'd break from my novel, Woman on the Verge of Paradise, to publish my poetry in Just the Right Time. Now, I return to the tale of my exhausting efforts to meet a man who's not a complete and utter weirdo. The novel's flavored by doses of men's internet dating ads. I'm about 3/4 done with the first draft.Thanks for visiting. Have a safe, peaceful week.

Yesterday, tragedy struck so many of us in ways we did not foresee. An
elementary school and small town in Connecticut was shattered by a mass
shooting. We knew we wanted to help. As a side note, I would like to
take this time to thank Neely and Michelle
for helping organize and be so quick to come together and think of
something that we could do as a blogging community. After some planning,
we came up with this:

On Tuesday, December 18th, there will be a blogger day of silence. We
will post the button and that's it. Please try to not post anything else
that day if possible.

We are also raising money that will go to an organization in the memory of this tragedy. The organization is called The Newtown Family Youth and Family Services.
Here is the official description of the support service we are donating to:

"Newtown Youth and Family Services, Inc. is a licensed, non-profit, mental health clinic
and youth services bureau dedicated to helping children and families achieve their
highest potential. NYFS provides programs, services, activities, counseling, support
groups and education throughout the Greater Newtown area.ANY DONATIONS MADE TO NEWTOWN YOUTH AND FAMILY SERVICES WILL BE
DONATED DIRECTLY TO THOSE EFFECTED BY THE SANDY HOOK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
SHOOTING."

We can't imagine how they must be feeling, especially this close to the
holidays. We would love for you to spread the word on your own blog,
Facebook, Twitter, etc. Let's make a difference and use blogging in a
positive way.
Thank you in advance for participating.