Diary of an anxiety-ridden, moody, control freak, perfectionist, career-changing, thirty something, over achiever, social work student.
I look forward to having you join me as I embark on my journey to save the world!

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Monday, March 5, 2012

There’s no way of sugarcoating this, so I’ll just say it…my
own mom unfriended me on Facebook this past weekend. That’s right, folks! If
you live and die by Facebook, you now know that I am such an all out awful
person that my own mother cannot be friends with me. Thankfully, I am not
such a person, so my self esteem isn’t even close to shattered. It’s more
likely you’re extremely jealous of me. LOL!I wish I could share my secrets for how you too can have
your mom unfriend you on Facebook, but you have to start out with a batshit crazy mom, so
many of you are likely out of luck.

While I am more than happy to no longer have my mom on my
Facebook friends list, this whole thing has repercussions off of Facebook as
well and I’m left feeling pretty angry and sad about the whole thing. I absolutely
cannot believe the lengths my own mother will go to, in her pervasive and
almost sick need for drama, to get attention.

It all started with a tattletale…

My mom has posted two pictures of my six year old nephew in
his underwear over the past week. This didn’t sit well with me, as I think six
is too old for those kinds of pictures to be taken and placed on a social
networking site; especially on the profile of an attention whore individual who is “friends” with half
the world and doesn’t really utilize privacy settings. (Because how then would
she maximize the amount of attention she receives?) I am, however, not a
parent, so I thought I could just be being too sensitive based on the fact that
we have recently been discussing over sexualized and sexually abused children
in social work school. I decided to put it to a vote.

Were the majority of people to confirm my suspicions that
those types of photos are inappropriate for social media or the internet, I was
going to bite the bullet and talk to my mom about my thoughts. Even though
telling her you disagree with something she’s doing never works out well,
because she is childish, and anytime I’ve brought up concerns with her in the
past she’s either ignored them or pretended to appreciate what I say only to
turn around and backstab me to someone else. (Yeah…she’s really a gem of a
mother.)

I utilized Facebook’s group and privacy settings to put up a
status that my mother, and people I thought would tattle to my mother, could
not see. I asked what people thought the cutoff age for such pictures should be
or what they thought of nude/half nude pictures of children in general. After a
couple people weighed in basically agreeing with me, I went into more detail
and asked specifically what people thought of pictures of six year olds in
underwear and explaining why I was asking (i.e. mom posted two underwear pics
of nephew in a week and it doesn’t sit well with me). Well, apparently I didn’t
do a good enough job determining just how far up my mom’s ass some people
are who might be a tattletale, because someone tattled to my mommy.

I’m out stuffing my face with amazing pizza having a
lovely dinner with my husband Saturday night and get this dramatic text:

“I have nothing to say to your ears. When u can TALK to me
and my heart I WILL listen.”*

*Everything in colored text and quotes from this point forward is exactly as it was written, which means as much as it pains me, I haven't corrected spelling mistakes or grammar.

Nice, huh? She’s a poet, isn’t she? Also, remember this text
because it will come into play later.

I thought I knew what this pertained to, but I wasn’t going
to play games with her. I texted back:

“What?”

Because I'm simple like that. It took about fifteen minutes for her to reply, because she
was very busy unfriending me and my husband—who she insisted just last week
needed to be her Facebook friend—and posting a dramatic status on Facebook.
This was her reply:

“FACE BOOK. I am so sad YOU became so non verbal and
distant.”

I love how she uses big concept like nonverbal (not
correctly, of course, because it is only one word) as though she is some sort
of educated, highly evolved, and caring mother. And distant? Wow…way to finally catch on. I’ve
been distant for years now. Partially because school has kept me beyond busy the
past few years, partially because I’m sick of watching her try to profit from
my sister’s death, and mostly because she’s been a shit mom my whole life and
as an adult I finally get to decide how my relationships will play out.
Also, I can’t stand watching her screw up my nephew’s life.

I replied with this: “Sorry you’re sad…I’m also sorry that
tattletales start drama and you play into it. I WAS going to discuss my
concerns with you, but was trying to figure out if I was off base first. I’m
only as distant as you allow me to be and am plenty verbal, thanks. Gets really
old talking and not being listened to or having what I say not matter though,
so…”

I have brought up numerous
concerns regarding my nephew and other issues over the past few years. Because
she said after my sister’s death that my nephew would be raised by a village
now, I foolishly assumed I was part of that village and figured my words would matter.
They didn’t. Not once has anything I said mattered. As I said above, she does
one of a few things when I bring up concerns regarding my nephew:

(1) Pretends to give a shit about what I say and then just
flat out ignore it.

(2) Feels threatened by the fact that I'm smarter than her, decides I'm only saying what I am to be "better" than her, and tells me that I don’t understand or am confused and
refuses to explain it so I will understand.

(3) Lies and tells me that an “expert” like a counselor or
someone told her ABC advice, which is clearly different from and better than
mine.

(4) Backstabs me and drags me through the mud to other people
or on Facebook (before this it was usually in ambiguous status messages that only I
understood were about me).

(5) Gets better about hiding the things I’m concerned about
so that she can continue to do what she wants and not have to worry about me
chiming in. (i.e. She told me my nephew would no longer see/talk to the
murderer’s family, because I was right that really no good could come of it and
they might have underlying motives. Of course, she didn’t come to this conclusion due to anything I said. She
figured this out after a radio psychic
told her my sister’s spirit is still around to protect my nephew, because she
doesn’t like that my mother is allowing the relatives of my nephew’s
father—also known as my sister’s murderer—around my nephew. Yes. You read that
right. She trusts radio psychics before her own daughter. All was good for a
while, but she eventually refriended them on Facebook and even invited them to
the memorial bonfire for my sister this year.)

She did not reply to my last text. Apparently, not only did
she not have anything to say to my ears, but she also no longer had anything to
say to my eyes either. She sure did have a mouthful to say on Facebook though!
Are you surprised? You shouldn’t be. My mother is clearly a thirteen year old
girl. I have been the adult, and she the child, since I was around ten years
old. I am 33 now, so you can imagine what a long couple of decades it’s been.

Ever the victim, this is the dramatic status she posted
right after she unfriended me on Facebook:

“JUST unfriended someone. FB I’m outta Here. Just in it for
the games now. I wont be offending anymore people with my pictures.”

She got 18 comments and one like from friends who buy her
bullshit lies and play into her drama. In the ultimate show of solidarity (and
to illustrate just how infantile they can be) my mom’s
husband also changed his profile picture to the infamous George Costanza
picture (shown below) but with his head Photo Shopped onto the body. (He is a Photo Shop wizard, ya'll!)

Mom commented on this photo: “Oh no! Is that you in ur
undies? ;-)”

Hilarious, right?! Yeah….they’re the grownups, folks. In
addition to my previous concerns about underwear pics of my nephew, I’m now
concerned that he’s being raised by people whose cognitive capacity, executive
functioning, maturity, and intelligence he now far surpasses at the ripe old
age of six.

One of the 18 comments she received on her dramatic status
was from my aunt, we’ll just call her Trashy McTrasherson, who told her:

“tell them to KISS YOUR @#$%^&. kepp doing what your
doing.If you dont want to deal with person SEND THEM MY WAY” Because it’s super
easy to be tough on Facebook when you
live hundreds of miles away and are complete trash.

My mom responded to said aunt with:“it’s FAMILY and we both
know I cant turn my back on FAMILY…My oldest.” Then followed that comment up
with this gem: “Just want to make her list of APPROVAL and get a bit more
physical support instead of excuses and back biting.”

Because my mother is a martyr and loves to lie. My mom
excels at lying. If she could find a job doing it, she might just be able to
hold down a job. She turned her back on me quite awhile ago, depending on from
whose vantage point you’re looking and what counts as turning one’s back. If
you count the first time she ever called me derogatory names or sad horrible
things no parent should ever say to a child, she turned her back on me when I
was about 10. If you count going on a “family trip” that you mention to your
daughter only a few days before without having invited her, then she only just
turned her back on me last summer and again a couple months ago for good
measure. She treats just about everyone in her life better than she’s
ever treated me, including her weirdo stalker (her words, not mine) “best friend” who moved in with
them months ago and might be just as mentally unstable, if not more so, than I
believe my mother to be.

She wants to make my list
of approval? REALLY?!! Wow…that’s
news to me. And to think I’ve spent most of my life trying to get her approval,
or at the very least, just to get her to say something somewhat positive or
nice about me to my face and mean it. She’s notorious for talking about what a
smart, wonderful daughter I am in front of other people, because then she gets
the credit for being my mother and making me that way. In private, however,
it’s a different story and she deserves absolutely no credit at all for any of
my positive attributes (of which I’m told by independent, verifiable sources
there are many). The credit for those goes to my resilience, intelligence,
drive, and other mysterious factors that thankfully prevented me from turning out anything at all
like her.

From about the age of nine or ten on, in addition to
basically raising her kids for her, I was emotionally and psychologically
abused on a regular basis. Her favorite thing to do was to belittle any of my
happy moments or successes by telling me I was a “Prima Donna Bitch who thinks
you’re better than everyone else.” The real kicker? In her public praise, she’d
call me her Prima Ballerina. Sick, huh? Words do hurt people, and they do leave scars. Good old mom! I have honestly lost
count of how many times she’s called me a bitch alone, never apologized for the caustic words she's spewed, and went on
to pretended nothing happened.

Yet she was surprised when I started saving up and buying
household supplies at fifteen in preparation for moving out on my own. I’m not
joking! By the time I finally moved out of her house at twenty, I had
everything I needed to setup a house, except furniture. Every penny I made was used to put gas in my car, so that I could continue to get to work and school, and all of the rest went towards buying dishes,
towels, small kitchen appliances, and whatever else I thought I might need for
life on my own. I wanted out, and not just because she wanted me out. I was
burnt out and tired, sick of being the only adult in the house, and sick of
being abused for no good reason.

As far as the physical support she seeks, I believe that
refers to her wanting me to take my nephew off her hands more often to give her
a break. As much as I love to see him, it breaks my heart that I have neither
the time nor the energy to keep a six year old for a whole weekend. I have told
her repeatedly we’d be glad to have him overnight here or there and that all
she needs to do is let me know about a week in advance so that I can prepare by
getting homework and housework done early. Apparently that’s not good enough. When
we do have him stay, I just get sad. The more time I spend with him, the more I
realize that he is becoming more like them and less like his awesome mother
every single day. That just hurts deep down to my very core. Not to mention that she made it very clear to me last time I brought up a concern with her that I was no longer part of the village that raised him. She posted on Facebook about how her family (meaning those living in her house) and those who matter know and understand what's going on with him and all that she's doing to give him a better life. It was very apparent I was not one of those who mattered since I was not aware of all that she was doing, which was evidenced by the expression of my concerns.

As far as “back biting” is concerned, that wasn’t what I was
doing with my original Facebook post. But, she’ll never know that, because she
chooses to believe what a stranger with no life (i.e. Facebook Tattletale) told
her over her own daughter. Also, despite having had the opportunity to learn
from the back biting grand champion, I have never really picked up this “talent.”
And what the fuck is it called when you drag your daughter through the mud all
over Facebook? Is that something different than back biting?! It must be,
because someone as evolved and adult as my mother surely wouldn’t engage in such
behavior.

For excuses, I think she’s referring to the fact that I
missed the memorial bonfire for my sister this year (first time in the four
years she’s been gone) because I had a migraine. She’s a bitch for calling my
medical issues an excuse, but then again she’s never understood my medical
issues and likely never will. She’s entirely too selfish to truly care how much
suffering migraines cause for me.

Of course, that dramatic victim status she posted was only
for attention. She wasn’t truly “outta Here” and proceeded to post yet another status
on Facebook yesterday. (Yes, I have my tattletales too. No, seriously…she was
just too stupid or too hysterical to unfriend my dog, so I peeked on her page
before having my dog unfriended her. In the Facebook hierarchy, I still think I
win the title of most awesomest unfriending of all time.Unless, of course, getting unfriended
by a dog is worse than being unfriended by your mom, in which case she is the
ultimate grand champion of being unfriended.)

“Am very teary eyed that I had soooo much unresolved drama
with my oldest yesterday. She still hasn’t a clue on how the phone works for
more than texting.” (Sadly, only six likes and three comments of support on this
one.)

Someone posted a picture an ubber encouraging picture of the
Cat In The Hat with the Dr. Seuss quote: “Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” (Clearly
missing the point that what started all of this in the first place was me saying what I felt.) My mom then
commented under that “Sad thing is the person I deleted is my oldest child.I
thought I raised my kids with the comfort that they could TALK to me when
things bothered them :(”

And, once again, who’s the backbiter now? Seriously?! You’re
sad over unresolved drama YOU CREATED?!?! Are you fucking serious?! It’s
laughable that she says I don’t know
how to use the phone for more than texting when she’s always the one who texts me.
That is pretty much the only way she ever communicates with me. All holiday and
birthday invites from her are texts, she randomly texts me shit my nephew
wants, and she texts me all the time saying she'd like to come meet me for lunch and then never actually follows through. Since that’s the way she chooses to communicate, I simply respond to her
texts. In fact, if you scroll back up, you’ll see that it was a text from her
that started all of this! Was I supposed to call her after she said she had
nothing to say to my ears?! So I’m supposed to just call and start grovelingpleading for forgiveness talking (about how wrong I was, because clearly it is I who was wrong and started this drama)? How was I
supposed to know her heart was ready to listen so soon?!?!

She thought wrong about how she raised her kids too,
apparently. First of all, she would’ve actually had to raise her own goddamn
kids. As far as I’m concerned, I and my maternal grandparents did that. Also,
see above. Anytime I have tried to TALK to her when
anything’s bothered me, be it about my nephew or anything else, she’s responded
in one of the five ways above. You know what that’s taught me? You can’t talk to her. It is not worth my extremely precious time to try to talk to her.

It slays me that so many people commented on and liked all
this drama on her page. I am seriously afraid for society that there are so
many people who are that blatantly stupid walking this planet. At the very
least, they can’t seem to realize that this crazy psycho who is dragging her
own daughter through the mud all over Facebook just might not be mother of the
year. With one quarter of her children dead, thanks in part to her, and half of
her children (both my brother and I) barely talking to her (or at this point
not talking to her at all, which in my brother’s case has been going on for a
few months now), these people can’t see that she just might play a role in
that?! Seriously? I’m at a complete loss then. I really am. People like that
are just too stupid to live.

Though I’m angry and sad, I am also very relieved. My mother
is finally out of my life. Hopefully for good. It's been a longtime coming. I can tell you that this will
not be repaired for a good long time, if ever. She has a lot of apologizing to
do before I’ll even consider speaking with her. In the meantime, I won’t miss the drama. I won’t
miss what a fucking hypocrite she is. (The best example of this being her
bragging all over Facebook and everywhere else about what a domestic violence
advocate she is as a result of my youngest sister’s death. Yet she encourages,
to the point of almost forcing, my whole family to accept my middle sister’s ex’s
presence at family evens because he is still part of the family despite the
fact that he tried to strangle my sister to death this past summer. He is,
after all, the father of my sister’s children, and that totally takes precedence
over attempted murder.) I will not miss HER.

I am finally free. I am at peace. I have plenty of love and
support and people who know and appreciate just how amazing I am.

**********************************

You're awesome if you made it through all that, lovely reader! What say you? Was I off base? Is six too old to be posting half naked pictures online? Why do you think so many people blindly and unquestioningly follow an obviously mentally unbalanced attention whore like my mom? Have you had Facebook drama lately that you would like to share?

9 comments:

I feel so bad for you. A mom should be someone that is loving, kind and supportive throughout all the different parts of your life. You are lucky for turning out so awesome in spite of those circumstances.I hope that you feel peace by letting go. I hope your mom will eventually come to realization that many people have -- including people that only know you via your blog -- that you're a good person.=)Katie

You aren't off base at all. Six is way too old for those types of pictures. And I completely understand you wanting to get some other opinions on the issue before confronting your mother...because she's kind of nuts and you wanted to make sure you weren't overreacting.

This is entirely on her. You did nothing wrong. I'm sorry you have had to deal with this crap for so long and I'm sorry that your relationship with your nephew is going to suffer for it...but at least the drama will be gone for a while.

First, I agree. Six is too old for naked or half-naked pictures of a child (I'm not a fan of them period, especially on a social network where pedophiles and/or unstable individuals can be lurking).

Second, reading about this reminds me of a friend of mine. We grew up together and were good friends off and on for over 20 years until 3 years ago when I got tired of her b.s. She is just like your mother. She didn't abuse me calling me names, but the rest of the drama is exactly like my former friend to a tee. The last 3 years have been wonderful and I have not missed her one bit. I only regret not ending the "friendship" earlier.

your mother is a true piece of work. Quite the Drama Queen. So glad my mom would have absolutely no idea what to do with facebook. I was a little concerned the other day when my Aunt said that she reads all of my posts - she does - YIKES!!! Oh, and 6 years old is too old for undie shots. period.

Wow. It's never fun when the parent regresses back to the child and you have to deal with immaturity like that. It sounds like cutting your mother out of your life, as sad as it is, is really the best thing to do at this point. I'm sorry you have to deal with all this.

Holy balls! I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that! That is way too much drama for one person to ever have to deal with. Hopefully cutting ties will make things easier for you. And you weren't off base, 6 is way to old for those kinds of pics

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