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FIC: No Secrets Better Kept (Whats Past is Prologue 6/18)

No Secrets Better Kept (What’s Past is Prologue 6/18) Scott’s student – RoseAnn – left and he ushered me into his office. My flight had been late, and

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, Jul 23, 2005

No Secrets Better Kept (Whats Past is Prologue 6/18)

Scotts student  RoseAnn  left and he ushered me
into his office. My flight had been late, and Id
just barely made the meeting. I put my suitcase out
of the way and sat down. He didnt say anything at
first. I just sat there and looked at him for a
minute, wondering how he was doing and what I could
say that would be of comfort.

He looked tired most of all. And I cant even say
what made me think that. Usually its the eyes that
show fatigue and of course his werent visible. But
there was something about his face that just looked so
completely weary. Well, grief can wear you out.

Thanks for coming here, Scott said, finally. I
know how busy you are and I really appreciate you
taking time for us.

I want to do what I can, I told him, meaning it
sincerely.

Are you settled in?

No, my flight was late. I came straight here. I
dont even know where Im staying.

Rogue will know. We have so many extras these days.
Shes been managing room assignments, and a lot more.
He thought for a minute. Wendy and Arthur are here
for a few days. Theyre in the room where you usually
stay. I think youre in Charless guest suite, with
Anjuli and little Hank, but check with Rogue.

Anjulis here?

Yes, didnt you know? She arrived a couple of days
ago. To consult with Jean about Hank.

What do you mean? Whats going on?

It seems he might be coming into his powers. I
thought you would have known.

Ive been out of town. I thought about what hed
said. Coming into his powers? He wont even be two
until September.

I know. Its very unusual. I dont really know the
details.

Ill talk to Anjuli later and get the whole story. I
know youre busy  I dont mean to take up your time
with this. Lets talk about what youd like me to
write for the memorial service. I took out some
papers, as well as a pad and pen. I made some notes
and I want to hear more about what youd like
included.

Good. There are some other issues I wanted to
discuss with you as well.

I thought there might be. And Scott, before we get
down to it, I just want to offer my condolences in
person. He was a very special person and a great loss
to us all. I feel it acutely myself, having known him
so little. I cant imagine what youre going
through.

Its not an easy time. Still, Im managing. We all
are. He sighed. Sometimes it feels like just
yesterday he was alive. And sometimes it seems like
years, like I can barely remember him well.

Time gets distorted during mourning.

He nodded his agreement. Grief makes one hour ten,
he quoted.

I know this is a hard time for all of you. I want to
do whatever I can to help. The memorial service
program and any other way you can use my skills.

Thank you. And thank you for the beautiful letter,
too. It really captured just who Charles was. Thats
how you got roped into writing the program for the
memorial service. He smiled at me, then continued.
Theres something else Id like to talk to you about
before we discuss details of the program, though. He
paused, as if gathering his thoughts. Or perhaps
steeling himself to say what was on his mind? When he
began, he seemed to be stalling. I want you to know
that Charles always considered you a member of the
team and I do, too.

Im glad to hear that. Ive sometimes thought of
myself as sort of an auxiliary X-Man.

As far as Im concerned you are an X-Man, no
auxiliary about it. I hope youll continue to do work
for us, as you can. I recognize you have a full-time
job, of course.

You have a couple of full time jobs. He laughed at
that. I can make time for you, for the X-Men, I
continued. I want to. And Scott? Im glad that
youre still looking on me as part of the team, that
youre not seeing me as just having been affiliated
with the X-Men when I was with Jean-Paul.

I had meant to tell you how sorry I was to hear of
your break up.

Thanks. I wasnt sure how much to say. Its still
new, I said, finally. Were kind of finding our
way. While Im here were going to talk about how we
can manage co-parenting, particularly if hes staying
here.

Good. I hope you can work it out. I have a vested
interest in that, he said, smiling again. I laughed.
Im not just thinking of the X-Men, you know, he
added, more seriously. I hope for all your sakes you
can make this work. Its very hard, I know, forming a
post-break up relationship, but its worth it, I
think. He paused, as if wondering whether to say
more. Jean and I never had a child, but we had a lot
that tied us together after we broke up, too. It was
difficult, very much so for a while. But Im glad we
persevered. Im thankful we were able to develop the
friendship we have now. I hope you and Jean-Paul can
find your way through this.

Thanks. I really do care about him still. Were
talking. Well work something out. Its just...
there are a lot of hurt feelings.

Scott nodded. There always are. In my case, it was
complicated by my coming out, and by my relationship
with Logan. I realize that was incredibly difficult
for Jean to accept. Yet she did accept it, and with
such grace and kindness. And patience, during a
pretty protracted period where I was trying to figure
out what I really wanted in life. Ill always be
grateful to her for how she handled that.

I guess Im kind of in that period of figuring out
what I want in life right now. Jean-Paul has been
really patient, as well.

Is it not a permanent separation then?

I dont know. Neither of us said anything for a
minute.

I hope it works out some way that makes you both
happy, whatever that is, he said finally. I am glad
to have Jean-Paul on the team full-time. Actually, I
want him to have two full-time jobs, too, he added.
I looked at him quizzically. Im hoping hell teach
French at the Academy, as well.

I had no idea. He hadnt mentioned it.

Well, I havent had a chance to talk to him about it.
Or maybe I figured Id get him on board with one job
before I spring my plan on him and completely inundate
him with work.

I laughed at that. Youre your fathers son.

He laughed, too, but then turned serious. Thats
related to what I want to talk to you about. Theres
a reporter from the Washington Times. Hes... well,
hes investigating me, starting with my relationship
with Charles. He called me up to ask how were
related. Are you his natural son? was the exact
question. Without seeing them, I was quite sure he
rolled his eyes as he said that.

I know about him  Rick Kapell. I was going to tell
you hes looking into that. I didnt realize hed
called you directly. What did you tell him?

Nothing. I said all the information about Charless
life that we were giving out was in the press release
and I wasnt giving any interviews. But obviously
that didnt dissuade him. He thought for a minute.
How do you know about this? Do you know him?

I shook my head. No, Ive spoken to him on the phone
but never met him. Believe me, I didnt tell him
anything. He got my number through the journalists
grapevine  hes a friend of a friend. Its a slimy
paper, but he seems like a pretty nice guy. Still, I
dont think hes giving up. Hes looking for
something, and hes not going to be satisfied until he
finds a story the Washington Times wants to print.
You know what that paper is like.

Unfortunately, yes. And I know that he hasnt given
up. Hes been calling other people  Jean, some old
professors of mine. Even Martin Kline.

Shit! So that means he knows about the X-Men role in
Callahans capture?

I do want to help, but I dont think I can do
anything for you. I cant get him to stop, Scott. I
dont even know the man. Anyway, it wouldnt matter
if he were my best friend. *I* wouldnt back off of a
story just because someone close to the person Im
investigating asked me to. It just doesnt work like
that. I wish he werent on this, but I dont see any
way I can stop this investigation.

No, I didnt think you could. Thats not what I want
from you.

Then what?

I want you to do your own investigation.

What? You want me to investigate Rick Kapell? To
what purpose?

He shook his head. No, you misunderstand. I want
you to investigate me.

**************************************************

The team meeting went well. I had been worried that
it wouldnt. I hadnt really had time to prepare
much. Plus, Id been so distracted with worry about
this reporter and what he might find that I didnt use
what little time I did have well. But Logans idea of
sending Adam to investigate me was a sound one.
Meeting with Adam about that relieved some of the
anxiety. I found that as soon as hed agreed to do
it, I relaxed considerably. I went into the team
meeting in a better frame of mind, and that helped.

I began by welcoming Jean-Paul as a full-time X-Man
and announcing that Jean would be hors de combat, for
at least the duration of her pregnancy. And Im
pleased to say, I added, that Rogue has been
persuaded to rejoin the team. They all cheered, led
by Bobby, and she stood up and took a bow. So we
have two more who will be in the field, and Jean
remains a key member of the team, albeit a
non-combatant.

We still had some difficult topics to cover. I let
Warren explain the financial constraints we were
operating under. He gave background on how the war
and its aftermath had affected the holdings of the
Xavier Foundation, and the austerity measures that
needed to be put in place for the time being. No one
balked when he got to the part about salaries being
cancelled. He was careful to say that it was only a
temporary measure, and that records of salaries owed
would be maintained and everyone made whole once the
financial situation improved. If any of you have
personal financial concerns, he added, you can
discuss them with either Cyclops or me privately. We
will work something out.

They all seemed to take it well. John quipped that if
the X-Men were working for room and board now, the
food had better improve. Jean-Paul said that it was
just his luck to sign up right when we stopped paying,
but he smiled when he said it. Everyone seemed to be
pretty good-natured about the whole thing, and not too
alarmed. Warren had done a good job of presenting the
situation as serious, but temporary. I made a mental
note to congratulate him on how well he handled it.

We did our standard post-mortem on missions embarked
upon since the last meeting. All had been successfully
accomplished during this period. Still, there are
always things that went wrong and others that could
have been done better, so it took a while. Then I
gave a briefing on known upcoming missions. I handed
Ro a list of new simulations and told her to work
them with sub-groups of her choosing. These are the
last ones Charles devised, I told them all, my voice
steady with some effort. Ill come up with some new
ones by next month. Lets see if you can get through
them all by then.

Jean discussed plans for the memorial service, and
explained what it would be like, and the role the
X-Men would play. Well be in uniform, she said.
And not just us. Everyone whos ever been an X-Man,
ever gone on a mission with us. There will be a
moment of silence near the end, and were all going to
stand up for it. Its a tribute to Charless
vision, she added, voice shaking a little. Everyone
who has been an active part of enacting that vision
will be standing there, in one room, visible and proud
to be part of our team. Its what he would have
wanted. She took a minute to compose herself and
added, tone changing to a sardonic one, And I know 
August in New York is not a great time to be wearing
leather. Were hoping the air conditioning holds. If
not, were counting on you, Bobby. The laughter that
followed that broke the tension.

They all left but Logan afterwards, although it took a
while, a few of them lingering as if they werent sure
it really was the end of the meeting. What were they
all waiting for? he asked.

I think they were expecting me to announce a new
field leader.

Or announce that youre not gonna have a new one.

Maybe. I really wish I could talk Ro into it.
Shes been second in command for a long time. Shes
the obvious choice. I sighed. But shes adamant
she wont take it on. She says shell sub for me any
time, but she doesnt want it as a full-time position.
Maybe shes afraid Ill second-guess all her
decisions in the post-mortems.

Where would she get an idea like that?

I laughed. Logan, I said, What about you?

What about me?

Field Leader. You could do it. Youre the only one
other than Ro Id trust with the job. Youve got
more combat experience than any of us. Youve led
plenty of missions.

He shook his head. Not me. Im not a leader. Not
much of a follower, he added, with an ironic smile,
but Im not a tactician. Thats your strength, not
mine.

Well, do you have any ideas? If not Ro or you, who
can do it?

I dont think you should give it up.

I hate the idea of giving it up. But I cant do it
all.

Thats right. You cant. But why give up what
youre best at? You are the Field Leader. Im not
big on following orders, but I follow yours. We all
do. Who else could get that unruly crowd all doing
what theyre told? You keep them alive and you get
the job done. Its your greatest gift, Cyclops. He
put his arms around me, held me close for a minute,
speaking in my ear. You dont have to try and *be*
him just cause hes dead. Do what youre best at.
Use the rest of us for what were good at. You got
Worthington doing the financial shit. Let Jean take
over some of the management and the school stuff. And
let me do what Im best at  fighting and teaching the
kids how to fight. You just keep bringing them back
alive, Scott. Its what hed want you to do.

***************************************************

I was lying on my bed, reading. Well, trying to read
would be more accurate. I could hear the sounds of
two happy toddlers bathing in the adjoining bathroom,
and Anjulis voice, as well. Id offered to bathe
them, and to do it in my room, since Ive got a big
tub and she was in Charless guest suite with just a
shower. She took me up on the offer of the bathroom
but said shed handle the bath. I was wishing Id
insisted, bien sur. I needed something to keep my
mind occupied and this book wasnt doing it. Ezra
and Hank are not only adorable together  theyre
absorbing. You have to keep your wits about you with
those two. Theyre at the age where they can do
untold damage if you blink. Yes, two almost
two-year-olds can be an exercise in barely averting
calamity at all times, but maybe thats what I needed
to keep my mind off of Adam.

He was here, I knew, although I hadnt seen him yet.
Anjuli said theyd be rooming together while they were
both in Westchester, just like in DC. Earlier in the
day, before the monthly team meeting, Adam had met
with Scott. Later, after Ezra was in bed, wed talk
about our future. Our future as co-parents, not as
lovers, in all likelihood. I was having a hard time
accepting that.

Not that it was certain. Id told him on the day of
Jean and Sashas wedding that I still wanted him. I
said that I hoped hed be willing to give Jake up and
try again with me. I tried to tell Adam I loved him
in every way I could  with my body, with my words,
with my unshakeable resolve to make amends for how Id
hurt him. With my complete forgiveness, for real this
time, for how hed hurt me. Hed said he wasnt ready
to make a decision yet.

It had been two months since that day, the last time
wed had sex, the last time wed touched. The last
time wed talked about the possibility of a future
together.

Hed never told me that he *had* decided. But hed
been spending more and more time with Jake and wed
fallen into a routine, albeit an uneasy one, at least
for me. We spoke on the phone every couple of days,
saw each other less frequently. We talked about Ezra;
we talked about work. We were cordial with each
other, friendly. He told me about his assignments and
I told him about my missions. We talked about mutual
friends. Wed spent the evening together  Adam,
Anjuli and me  the day wed heard of Professor Xs
death, drinking cheap wine late into the night and
reminiscing about him. I consulted with Adam when
Scott offered me a full-time position with the X-Men.
Hed offered good advice and said he was sure we could
work out the issues with Ezra. He was clearly willing
to be friends.

I didnt want to be his friend, not only his friend.
My body ached for him - I could barely stand being
near him and not touching. It had felt wonderful the
one time we had had sex. And then I had felt
completely empty afterwards when Id asked him if we
were getting back together and hed just joked about
it.

At this point I just wanted to know. I wanted him to
decide already. Either we had work to do to rebuild
our relationship or I had work to do to get over him.
I wanted to know which kind of work was in store for
me and I wanted to get started on it. Every day I
told myself Id tell him it was too long, that he had
to decide. Too long, mon ami, Id say. Give up Jake
or make this separation permanent. And every day I
realized again that I couldnt face what I feared
would be the result of that ultimatum.

So, Id read very little of my book as I went over all
that for the millionth time. Anjulis call from the
bathroom would have been a welcome distraction if not
for the urgency in her voice. Jean-Paul! Come in
here  right away!

The boys looked fine. They were sitting in a bubble
bath, playing with rubber ducks and buckets and
sponges. Ezra was chanting something over and over
again, as he tends to. Everything looked perfectly
ordinary, from the waist up, anyway.

Anjuli cleared some bubbles away and pointed at Hank.
See? Its just like it happened before. Just like
this.

Without the bubbles blocking my view, Hanks feet and
legs were visible now. And they were blue. Not the
slightly bluish tint of a child whose bath has gotten
too cold. Not the blue of a robins egg or a
blueberry or a bluebell or a cloudless sky. Not a
blue I had ever seen in nature. Not even the dark
blue/black of the fur that had covered the skin of his
father and namesake. No, little Hanks skin was the
bright, clear unnatural blue that children loved, or
at least toy manufacturers thought children loved.
The blue of blue Playdoh, of bright blue balls and
color block primary color crib toys. Blue of blue
buckets and shovels for playing at the beach. Hank
was holding just such a bucket right now, and he stood
up to pour the water in it over Ezras head, making
them both giggle. As he did, I got a better look at
those bright blue legs, matching the bucket as if
theyd been dyed in the same lot.

The blue on his legs was spreading. At first glance,
he was blue only just past his knees. Now it was up
to his thighs and moving. It was spreading in a sort
of web-like pattern, with tendrils of blue taking over
his skin and then the spaces between them filling in.
It was mesmerizing to watch, the bright color
spreading over buttocks and genitals now, inching up
to his waist. I realized what Ezra had been chanting
before, as he resumed now. Blue Hank! Blue Hank!
Blue Hank! Over and over. And now Hank was joining
in, and they were saying it together.

Its a two word utterance, Anjuli said, irony in her
voice. A milestone. We need to tell Dr. Cohen. We
didnt look at each other, both staring as the
transformation was complete.

What do you think it means? Is he manifesting?

What else could it mean? she answered, a little too
sharply. Then, Im sorry. Im just having trouble
adjusting. I didnt think Id be dealing with this so
soon.

I know. Its hard even later.

Yes, particularly when its a manifestation thats
so... obvious.

Can I do anything?

Get Jean, she said to me. I dont know how long it
will last this time. I want her to see it.