DET. PAULRYAN: I don’t think you can deduce that from the evidence we have available.

DET. FLETCHER: But—

DET. JASONCHAFFETZ: How do we know “kill” refers to murder? This guy could be a hunter, or a competitive video gamer.

DET. TREYGOWDY: If this woman didn’t want to be murdered, maybe she should have worn body armor, or grown knife-resistant skin.

Enter POLICEDETECTIVEFLIPMAXWELL, panting.

DET. MAXWELL: Everyone, big news: An informant tells us that 3 weeks ago, the victim started a relationship. The boyfriend? Marty Mancuso, aka The Long Island Stabber, fresh out of prison.

DET. DEVINNUNES: Wow. Did you hear that?

DET. FLETCHER: Yes! This woman was probably stabbed to death by Mancuso, who is going to kill again!

DEVINNUNES rushes to the window.

DET. DEVINNUNES: No, the loud music outside. It sounds like hip-hop.

DET. TREYGOWDY: That’s misdemeanor disturbing the peace!

DET. DEVINNUNES [gritting his teeth]: These scumbags make me sick.

DET. TREYGOWDY: We’ve gotta catch these noise polluters!

DEVINNUNES and TREYGOWDY run out of the apartment, guns drawn. Gowdy trips and falls down the stairs, hitting each one and occasionally discharging his gun as he tumbles to the ground floor.

DET. MAXWELL: Okay, certainly you two agree we should at least bring in Mancuso for questioning.

DET. JASONCHAFFETZ: The Long Island Stabber just got out of prison. Let’s give him a chance.

DET. PAULRYAN: He’s settling into his role of not being a murderer, and frankly, he’s becoming less murdery every day.

DET. MAXWELL: He stabbed this woman last night!

DET. JASONCHAFFETZ: Hey, everyone makes mistakes. For example, on the way over here I made a wrong turn.

DET. PAULRYAN: And I pushed a vagrant down a flight of stairs.

DET. JASONCHAFFETZ: Should we go to prison?

DET. MAXWELL: Wait, you—

DET. PAULRYAN: I know the liberal media will write a bunch of hysterical clickbait about “catching this woman’s murderer.” But we have to focus on the crimes that matter: bicyclists running stop signs and restaurants with unisex bathrooms.

FLETCHER holds up his iPhone.

DET. FLETCHER: Okay, I cracked it! I found Mancuso’s Instagram, and his latest post shows him standing in this apartment, over the body, and the caption is “I love stabbing people to death, an activity that I did last night. #IAmTheMurderer”

DET. JASONCHAFFETZ: Let me see that.

CHAFFETZ grabs the phone and stares at the screen.

DET. JASONCHAFFETZ: Son of a bitch.

DET. FLETCHER: Let’s haul him in!

DET. JASONCHAFFETZ: Is this an iPhone 7?

DET. FLETCHER: It’s…yeah, why?

DET. PAULRYAN: Detectives are supposed to be using government-issued BlackBerries.