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There’s a lot of money in the world, and most of it isn’t yours. A good portion of it is mine. Mine, mine, mine, and you can’t have any–unless you’re my drug guy. You can have my money as soon as you get the new shit in. I’m serious. Leave it by the bench.

If you’re like me, you have a strong need for budgeting. What with the cost of helicopter fuel and giraffe food, we’re all having to tighten our belts a little bit–especially poor people, because they’re literally starving. I’ve compiled some of my best tips for saving your money and getting the most out of every dollar. Let’s begin:

1. Don’t invest.

A lot of people think that a great way to make money and to leave something for their posterity is to put it away in investments, stocks and bonds being two prime examples. Well, the stock market is mean and scary and doesn’t “do” refunds.

Bonds are just you giving your money to the government, and the government has plenty of it’s own money. Did you know it can print money at will? Can you do that? Can you? (The answer is no.)

2. Don’t buy a horse, a giraffe, or any other large, beautiful animal.

Let’s face it–buying a lowland silverback gorilla is not as easy as it used to be. Our parents could just run out to the store in their little red wagons (pulled by dinosaurs) and pick up a gorilla for a nickel. Then they’d take their gorilla down to the Yipee Skippe Stop and buy a malted milk and cheese burger for two pennies. Oh, those were the days. When I finish my time machine, that’s where I’m going.

Feeding those animals is such a hassle, and finding a tailor who can make a v-neck white t-shirt for a horse is such a beating. Did you know Honda doesn’t make passenger seats big enough for silverback gorillas? Yea, you have to have those custom made. You know how much that costs? No, of course you don’t know, because you would just make your gorilla sit in the back seat or find a ride. You’re an ass hole. I’m not. (Those seats are roughly $2,000 to design, build, and install. Goodbye, graduate school.)

Stick with dogs and cats if you really want to buy a pet.

3. Buy a good pair of running shoes.

I know what you’re thinking– “Why would I buy something if I’m trying to save money?” Simple. For the next few months, or until this recession is gone, you’re going to be stealing a lot of things. You’re going to need to be able to make a speedy get away. You remember that scene from The Sandlot when that kid puts on the ultra-cool sneakers and steals the baseball back from the giant dog and James-Earl Jones? Had he been wearing something other than the best, that movie might’ve ended VERY differently– a lot more Simon Birch most likely. Here’s a list of things you’ll have to wear sneakers to steal:

1. Baseballs

2. Food

3. Video Games

4. Clothes

5. Water (bottles, jugs, etc.)

6. A House

7. Guns

8. James-Earl Jones

9. Tools

10. Gorilla food

11. “Doo-doo” paper

You’re going to thank me later. I will accept thanks in the form of gorilla food for my gorilla.

4. Drive less

How often do you drive? Think about it for a second. You probably drive a lot. How many of those times could you of made someone else drive you? Probably every time. So, the next time you need to go somewhere, simply call up your friend and tell them you’re having car trouble. When they ask you what exactly, say something so technical that they would have no way of knowing that you’re lying to them. You could say, for example, “My secondary rocker arm is interfering with my B synchronizing piston. Whaddaya gonna do, you know?” That’ll get ’em. You could also use those running shoes you bought (see Tip #4) to run places, but running sucks, so try they lying thing first.

I can remember one time my grandpa sat down next to me and told me one of my family’s oldest bits of wisdom: “Nick,” he’d say (this isn’t my name), “the shortest distance between two points is a straight line or a rocket ship.” My grandfather had the most severe form of dementia, but that didn’t stop him from spreading his knowledge– or occasionally eating plastic things. He’s right. Whenever you can, try to just drive in a straight line to wherever you’re going. Ignore traffic lights or “medians,” as the law calls them. You may need a bigger car for this. Good thing you’re using your friend’s.

5. Store up your treasures in Heaven.

Just kidding. Don’t tithe. God doesn’t want your money. God doesn’t need a new swingset. God doesn’t need to fix your church’s air conditioner. You don’t need to help pay your preacher. He gets a secret check from Jesus every month. How do you think he affords all those sweaters and that fancy bible he’s always carrying around? Don’t even bother.

Conclusion

I hope these tips helped you. They certainly helped me. Since I helped you save probably thousands upon thousands of dollars, I’d really appreciate a little kick back. You may now start tithing out to me.