Franz von Asstan and Raul Fernando Carlos Sergio Ricardo Guillermo Pedro Francisco de Verde soared higher and higher. Minutes drifted into hours, hours blended into a timeless seam of blurred landscape seen from an unspeakably monstrous height of some 6 or 7 feet above my kitchen floor aback their mighty winged horses. Their initial dizziness settled into a dull monotonous thrum, set to the beat of the rhythmically pounding wings, and drawn ever forward by the beacon of vibrant red hair that bobbed elusively just ahead. Where were they going? What was the agenda of the garishly dressed fellow who refused to respond to Franz’s insistent greetings and expressions of thanks? And where did he get such awesome hair?

Dude, who cuts your hair?

Franz snapped out of his reverie.

“Raul, we must make a plan! I think we’re going to have to split up. We simply cannot hope to return to Blokadia to free our people from slavery by ourselves. We must win over the other lego native peoples, bring them to our cause! What sayesth thou?”

“OK, whatev” replied Raul. He was frantically looking for a barf bag and becoming increasingly anxious the more it became clear that his pegasus was not so equipped.

“Then I shall veer to the north, and head to the hills. I will speak to the minifigs I find there. I shall tell them of the horrors I have experienced first hand. I shall rally them to my, er, our cause, and we shall reunite, allies at our side, stronger and ready to overthrow the evil dictatorship of William Blokheart!”

Raul turned and spewed a stream of multicolored 1x1 flats over his left shoulder. Franz shrugged and turned north. Raul crashed.

52” plasmas, Playstation 7s, and no more raids where those funny looking dudes take your women and children!

In the crash, Raul’s horse lost its wings. He forced his limping steed ever onward, and soon came across a strange frenchman, gibbering nonsensically at the edge of a vast desert. Allies are allies, thought Raul to himself, as he put his arm around the frenchman’s shoulder, softly promising him fame, wealth, and lots of hot lego women. A strange breeze swept out of the desert and the two men looked up at the distant horizon. Something called out to Raul. Something unspeakable, ineffable, irresistible. Raul turned to his new friend, and explained to him that they needed to go into the desert. He didn’t know why, but they needed to go. With a loud groan and icky farting noise, both their horses up and died.

Though Raul couldn’t explain it at the time, it felt like his destiny awaited him, deep in the desert

They walked for hours. Their water quickly ran out. Raul began to hallucinate, and the endless expanse of beige studded baseplates began to look oddly like an electric blanket from the 1970s. They let their defenses down. Ominous music began to play, and they didn’t even hear it.

OMG! Greenskins!

In a flash, Raul and the strange frenchman were surrounded. Heavily outnumbered and especially considering the uselessness of his delirious comrade, Raul knew he had to think fast. “I call for the time honored tradition of hero challenge!” he cried. One of the greenskin minifigs burped. Another said “Co na světě je tato osoba říkal?” Raul’s delirious mind swirled. They didn’t speak Legotian! In a flash, he did what any Lego hero in his place would, he pulled out a 10-sided die, the Universal Sign of LET’S FIGHT! The greenskins gnashed their terrible teeth, and clashed their weapons together. They got it now! “Ten chlap chce bojovat ! Náš hrdina se mu pěknou nakládačku!” they bellowed in unison.

There is no ambiguity when the dice hit the table!

While the greenskin tribe danced about in glee, Raul stealthily swapped out his d10 for a d20.

What’s this? A natural 20?!?

With great flourish, Raul slew the greenskin hero with a single blow to, well, when you roll a 20 on a 10-sided die, it pretty much doesn’t matter, does it? A silence befell the crowd (well, the french guy was still kinda talking to himself, but sorta quietly, so you can’t really hear it too much). The tribe had never seen such a feat. How is a 20 even possible? They fell to their knees on the hot desert sand, prostrating themselves before their new hero and savior.

All hail the new lord and master of the nomadic desert greenskins!

They had their first allies! But still, something pulled at him. Torn by an inexplicable desire, Raul knew he had to press on. The greenskins had seen this desert madness overcome others before. In fact, they thought it was kinda cute, and almost instinctively, their master tracker led the group deeper into the desert.

Oh, boy. Here we go again. Another power-hungry Yellow loses his marbles and insists on going deeper into the desert...

Onward they pressed. Ahead, something gleamed on the horizon. Before it even took shape, Raul knew they were not yet there. They carried on.

Nope, definitely not interested in the Temple of the Half Finished Whiskey Bottle.

Up ahead it lay. An oasis of shimmering power. A strange effusion of magical airs swirled above the desert, taunting the mind of Raul. As they drew near, a pool of intoxicatingly cool waters appeared. A small temple lush with vegetation stood at the far end of the shimmering pool. Sitting squat next to the temple was a massive totem. The remains of many a brave sojourner were evident, sacrificed to this strange edifice’s magical energies. “Ty šílenej žluté legos jsou vždycky hledá něco takového . Dělej , pojď se podívat.” nodded the greenskin tracker sagely.

They had arrived.

The Temple of the Crystal Skull Vodka.

If only the pool were tonic water and the vegetation lime trees

Drawn inexorably into the embrace of the strange structure, Raul found a curious tome sitting unblemished among the ruins. He began to read: “You are more powerful...” he spoke, whispering the words softly to himself so no one else could hear.

Hmm. I’m sure glad this is in Legotian!

The wind whips up to a frenzy and swirls of magical color appear. Special effects appear so stunning and so expensive that no mere digital camera could ever hope to capture them. If this were the cinema, you’d be saying, like, whoa, this is like, ooo man, jeeze yeah and then you’d start giggling and probably get the munchies really bad. But it’s not, so bear with me. Even before Raul finishes reading from the tome, translucent bolts of energy boil off the pedestal and envelope his arms in a blue bath of pure mana. The water shivers and ripples, the sky groans, my dog gets up, does three small circles around where he’s sleeping, and sits back down again. Suddenly, the ground erupts. Sand blasts upwards as an army of angry undead burst from the rim of the pool! The corpses strewn about the pond stir. Something quite evil has awoken!

You were really beginning to wonder if this was a field report or a GD soap opera, weren’t you?

Sensing new-found heroic powers, Raul thrusts his hands forward, cries out and wills the energies to do his bidding. Blue mana crackles forth from his hands.

Shazaaam!

He raises his arms skyward, closes his eyes, and summons....

At least it’s not a 1

A monkey holding a bouquet of red flowers.

Haven’t you always wanted a monkey?

Abubakar the Irascible laughs a dry rasping laugh and expertly waves his staff in the air.

WHAMMMM-o.

Barely breaking a sweat, he summons....

At least it’s not a 10. Or a 20.

A horde of horrible beasties!

horrible, horrible.

With a nauseating speed the horrible beasties swirl past the undead horde and crash into the greenskins. Sweeping over them like some unholy wave cresting on an evil shore, the greenskins panic, slashing wildly at the unending foe. The monkey climbs on Raul’s face, defecates, and leaps atop Raul’s ostrich. The dazed frenchman is mumbling something about finding these sorts of things a culinary delicacy when done up nicely with garlic and butter and paired with a lovely burgundy as he reaches down to pick one up and presumably eat it. It stings him. Another bites him on the face. A third slashes his hand.

Sacre blue! Are zees zings edeeble?

Blindingly fast they are upon him and soon he is enveloped by the swarm. The skeleton adjacent raises its flail to deliver a fatal blow, but it’s too late. The strange frenchman has been devoured!

Merde! It would zeem ze ozer way round, non?

The monkey whispers something in the ear of Raul’s steed, and they’re off

Dude. This is no place for a monkey. I am so outta here.

The mummy closes on the squad of greenskins guarding the Temple of the Crystal Skull Vodka. The battle pitches back and forth.

To be a minifig is to dream of being in a photo like this one.

Raul looks around for his monkey as he wipes his face off. Seeing it’s gone, he looks around for his ostrich. Seeing it’s gone, he gets mad. Phantasmagorical energies of pure seething rage ripple and burst forth from his hands.

Where’s my monkey?!? This is total bullshit!! And I’ve got a total pube stuck on my right arm!!!!

The waters of the Temple of the Crystal Skull Vodka suddenly become eerily calm. The battle dies down, as all eyes, living and dead, are drawn to the depths of the pool. Even the Crystal Skull (Vodka) itself appears to turn a bit and leer downward. But that could totally be like, an optical illusion or something.

Hi boys!

What is this? Sirens come from the depths? What strange motivations drive these fish-women to the surface? What could these mermaids possibly want with this chaos? What the heck else are we going to use these three useless minifigs for anyway?

They begin to sing. And sing and sing. The greenskins think of their mothers and weep. Raul would have been brought to his knees in sorrow if he had knees. Abubakar is brought back to a happier, more alive time, and sheds a tear. Even the mindless skeletons pause momentarily for reasons they can’t quite fathom, and shudder a little bit in overwhelming sadness. I totally think the Crystal Skull (Vodka) also like totally choked back a sob too. Oh, and all the horrible beasties jumped into the lake. No idea why. Go figure.

Howsabout that, huh? Weird.

The beasties disappear into the murky depths. Without a sound the mermaids slip back into the silent waters.

Well. That was totally weird.

The battle resumes! Chaos! Mayhem! Plastic blood! Body parts!

Totally gratuitous re-use of photos!!

A shriek cuts across the din of battle. Although neither side was clearly winning, we decided it was about time for the dramatic deus ex machina ending that so typifies adventure in these parts. Cue the: Cavemen Riding Giant Pterosaurs! Franz von Asstan Has Come to Save the Day!

Hey. I totally didn’t need saving, bitch.

Swoosh! Crash! Bam!

waaaaaaHOOOOOO!

The undead at this juncture really didn’t stand a chance. Like, even a series of straight 6s probably wouldn’t have saved them. They were like, so screwed.

Yeah, they were that screwed. Pterosaurs FTW!

“Don’t worry, Raul. I have arrived, and I shall save the day” cried Franz as he unsheathed the sword he wouldn’t even get to use, because the greenskins under Raul’s command had more or less already killed just about everyone and even Abubakar had already bought the farm. His second farm. That we know about. He’d been dead for awhile, so there could very well be lots of Abubakar farms out there. Who knows?

“Thank goodness - it would appear that we have arrived just in the nick of time! Really, Raul, what would you do without me” effused the overzealous Franz.

Yeah boys, let’s take our victory lap.

Speechless, Raul de Verde feels drawn to turn back to the pedestal, where he sees the rest of the unread text. Slowly he reads the remaining words inscribed thereupon “...than you would ever imagine”. Ominous music swells. The pedestal lowers, and in its place lies a hat. A green wizards hat. Raul’s eyes narrow. He reaches for, and slowly takes the hat. He senses a great unexpected shift in dimensions. A queer jog in reality. A jarring change in the fabric of space and time. Somewhat akin to like you think you have to fart, but suddenly you totally shit your pants instead.

Just like shitting your pants

...

pancakeonions played Abubakar the Irascible, the undead Legos and the horde of horrible beasties. kumabot played the heroic Raul de Verde, Franz von Asstan, and the coalition of the willing. Jean Louis played the gibbering frenchman. My little sister played the greenskin champion. We totally pulled a fast one on her. She cried. It was awesome.