Abbie’s Story

I am a trans woman, who from the age of ten years old, realised I wanted to be female. When I turned thirteen and started secondary school, I felt like I had to follow the pack and act male just so I wouldn't be bullied for being different by liking all the girls things, which made me want it all the more.

So I started doing things behind closed doors. I started trying my mother’s clothes on and wearing her make-up while the house was empty. I also started reading and watching all sorts of things to do with transgender. I never told anyone because I was always scared of how people would take it.

I think my parents realised something was wrong because they would mock me and call me a gay boy all the time. After years of bullying by family and school mates I ended up moving home at sixteen when I started work and moved in with my cousin Lisa.

I didn't have the courage to tell her ever. When I was ever alone in her house I would mess with her make-up and dress in her clothes. Work and living with my cousin was going well and I was hiding everything well until my brother started working at the safe work place as myself. My brother had a big mouth and would tell people anything. He told my work mate that I was gay and from that day onwards I was humiliated and bullied because the guy at work thought I was gay.

I tried to tell my workmates that I wasn't gay but nobody would listen. I always knew deep down inside that when I was with a male or with a female there was something that just didn't feel right.

After years of bullying and torture by my workmates and family, I started drinking a lot and taking overdoses and sometime cutting and burning myself. I took the overdoses just to help me cut out the thoughts.

When I got to the age of 20 I started to lock everything up. I ended up going in a bubble so to speak. My friends started getting worried about me so they took it upon themselves to find my real father. After around four years they finally found him. I ended up meeting my father and after a few times of meeting up in Enderby, I met a girl called Kayla. It's seems stupid but I fell for her the day that I met her.

The happiness I had soon slipped away and my thoughts of wanting to be female were back again. Kayla questioned me after finding one of the transgender websites that I went on. She would ask me if I wanted to be a woman and I would deny it and lie, saying ‘no’.

Then we had a child about a year later and I was happy again, but again that didn't last. I did all I could to make me feel more manly. I went to gym with a friend and I also started taking creatine and nitrous oxide to help me bulk. But deep down inside it was killing me ‘cos it wasn't what I really wanted.

In November 2014 I decided it was time that I couldn't hide it any more. I chose to tell a friend first and ask them how they thought Kayla would take it.

My friend told me it's best to just get it over and done with and that it was going to hurt her no matter what.

I told Kayla that I wanted to be a woman. The hate in her eye's that day could of killed. It scared me half to death and I really felt that she was going to kill me. She ended up packing her bags and grabbed her son and took off to her mams, but a few weeks later she came back and decided she wanted to help. She even let me stop at her mams on Christmas day so that I could spend Christmas day with the kids but the next morning I was told to go. So I go my son and left.

New year was the day I decided I was when I decided that I was going to go and see my doctor and tell them. I also called MESMAC and they were very helpful and gave me a support worker.

I also started going to Hart Gables. The first time I went as Andrew but after that I started going as Abbie. The group has helped me become myself.

Everytime I go to Hart Gables I feel better and better. The support from the group is fantastic. I've made so many friends at the group. I plan on going every week and keep on going even after my full transition.