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Overwhelmed Raft to step down Thursday

by Mr. Star,posted Sep 23 2012 1:16PM

A bewildered and overwhelmed T. Raft has announced his intention to step down from his position as CEO of Shake and Collateral Co., this Thursday. Mr Raft, who has been indicted on multiple counts of jury abuse, does not seem to understand why he is suddenly reviled in public places.

"I went to purchase coffee," Raft says, "And the barista made no attempt to hide the fact that he was spitting into my coffee."

This isn't Raft's first run-in with the law. In 1976, at age five, T. Raft became the youngest person to ever be arrested. Two officers lost their lives, and it became necessary to restrain the beligerent Raft using most unorthodox methods. Fifteen years later, Raft returned to his hometown after a lengthy world tour, during which he had aimed to be incarcerated in as many countries as possible before his eighteenth birthday.

"I mostly succeeded, too," smirked the colossally irritating individual. "But, as it turns out, the Lomar Republic has the most lax laws on the planet."

His latest indictment (fourteen separate counts of assaulting jury members in a courtroom) is viewed with pride. Raft has expressed no plans to do anything about it.