~ Sort of not depressed, flirting with mindfulness

Bad Dreams

I thought, this year, and since finishing my last lot of therapy that I had accepted things.

I thought that I had got to a good place where I had thought about all the things my parents, and 2sis, had done to piss me off during my childhood, and that I had come to grips with them. I understood, forgave them and more crucially, stopped worrying about it all.

I was moving on, however slowly. (And about time too!)

My dreams tell me that I clearly haven’t got over it. Over the last few months I’ve dreamed of my parents and my sister more than ever before. I’ve shouted at them, told them what for and broken off relationships. In the latest instalment, I was with 2sis and we came across a limestone wall, limestone that reminded me of my grandmother’s house which 2sis now owns and I burst into tears. Then I woke up.

I don’t like waking up tearful and angry, feeling emotional before I’ve even got out of bed or opened my eyes.

I thought that I had got over the fact that they were never going to understand how much hurt they’d caused me, were never going to apologise or even acknowledge the unhappiness I grew up with. I don’t expect them ever to say something intelligent on the subject, ever. As for 2sis, I haven’t spoken or communicated with her for several years and I think I’ve got used to it.

So why the dreams? Is it just my subconscious come to terms with what my head’s decided? Is it that I’ve accepted all this on some levels but not all the way down and therefore it’s working its way through my mind in my dreams?

I don’t know, and probably never will. I do hope this period doesn’t go on for ever though. It’s ruining my sleep.