Loud talking so that everybody knows your story? Cut. This one’s usually on a train or a plane, or somewhere where you are stuck with these assholes who grab their voice like a rubber ball, and hurl it about the cabin, allowing to bounce violently off every available surface, spilling people’s drinks, hitting them...Read more »

Updating your status because its Friday night and the gang’s coming over for canasta? Cut. I’m assuming this is done because the person in question thinks the general response to “Fifty cent Jello shot’s at O’Leary’s” is for all of her Facebook friends to nod pensively and say, out loud to no one, “My,...Read more »

Dude eternally wearing a plain white T? Cut. Its the age-old conundrum. Your torso’s not attractive enough for you to be taking your shirt off all the time, but if you don’t do it more often, you’re left with being a pasty white ghost all summer. The “purposeful bedhead” and communications degree is telling...Read more »

Going to the tattoo parlor and coming back with a butterfly on your ankle? Cut. “I’ve always wanted a tattoo,” you say. ”I think it would be so cool, like Chad Kroeger.” You know this barely counts. It’s one thing to coat your arms with snakes and demons and metaphors for band names. If...Read more »

Popping out for a cig for the fifth time while reassuring everyone you don’t smoke? Cut. Look, smoke if you want, no one’s going to judge you for that. Well, yeah, a lot of people actually will. But at least go through with it. Don’t tell us you’ve never paid for a pack and...Read more »

Pancake syrup in the refrigerator? Yeah. Cut. Its syrup! Why would want it cold? Now its thicker, slower, and harder to distribute on breakfast. It can’t go bad. Also, it’s morning–I’m lucky if I get out of the kitchen without setting my pants on fire. I don’t have time to watch as the syrup...Read more »