2005-02-27

Yes, redundent but fun, True Facts provides just what it says it does. A lot of facts about a lot of weird stuff.

Like:

Percentage of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58

Percentage of women who say they are happier: 85

A ten year old mattress weighs double what it did when it was new, because of the -ahem- debris which is absorbed through the years. That debris includes dust mites (their droppings and their decaying bodies), mold, millions of dead skin cells, dandruff, animal and human hair, secretions, excretions, lint, pollen, dust, soil, sand and a lot of perspiration, of which the average person loses a quart per day. Good night!

Each year, more people are killed by teddy bears than by grizzly bears.

If you hook Jell-O up to an EEG, it registers movements almost identical to a human adult's brain waves. One out of five people in the world (1.1 billion people) live on less than $1 per day. David Bowie thinks he is being stalked by someone who is dressed like a giant pink rabbit. Bowie has noticed the fan at several recent concerts, but he became alarmed when he got on a plane and the bunny was on board.

And any chance I get to avoid the visage of Joan Rivers is as good as taken. She is a shudder inducer. There but for a lot of money wasted on bad plastic surgery and then the application of far too much make-up and garish costumes go I.

ABC executives have forced Robin Williams to drop a comic song from the Oscars show!

Williams, the presenter of the Academy Award for best animated feature, decided last week that his one minute on stage would be a prime time to lampoon conservative critic James C. Dobson, whose group Focus on the Family last month criticized the cartoon character SpongeBob SquarePants for appearing in a video about tolerance that the group called "pro-homosexual."

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NEW YORK TIMES reporters Dave Halbfinger and Sharon Waxman are developing a story for late Sunday editions, newsroom sources tell DRUDGE.

Williams had hoped to joke using lisping character:

"Pinocchio's had his nose done! Sleeping Beauty is popping pills!

"The Three Little Pigs ain't kosher! Betty Boop works Beverly Hills!"

"Fred Flintstone is dyslexic, Jessica Rabbit is really a man, Olive Oyl is really anorexic, and Casper is in the Ku Klux Klan!"

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Officials from ABC's broadcast standards and practices office were not amused.

Williams explains: "For a while you get mad, then you get over it. They're afraid of saying Olive Oyl is anorexic. It tells you about the state of humor."

2005-02-25

From Metafilter"Biojewelry : Now you and your betrothed can exchange ring made of bone. Your own bone. I, for one, welcome the day when consumer biotech makes our lives.....weirder. (Some pics not safe for the squeamish.)"

And speaking of ossuaries (a word my spellcheck not only didn't like, but had no suggestions for) the ossuary in Sedlec is heavily featured in Connolly's new book and it is quite an astonishing sight.

There is a formidable stack of review books I need to get through but I made a mistake and picked up the one I wanted to read most first. This goes against my biggest life rule:

If beset with tasks, do the most odious one first.

I hate to refer to some of the books I read for review as odious but, frankly, there it is. Bald, bleeding truth. I read so much, so often that I can smell formula when the book still resides in the mail box.

I try to read out of genre and non-fiction as often as possible to keep crime fiction fresh. And reviewing has steered gems my way that I would not have otherwise read. But figuring the whole plot out in the first two chapters sucks, seeing the inevitable reveal from antagonist to protagonist at the climax (which is just too Scooby Doo for me) makes sameness in any book a sigh inducer.

So, forsaking my little rule, I picked up Connolly's BlackAngel and got sucked in like a cow in a tornado. It set me down at 4:30 a.m. and I was sad that the ride was over.

I looked at the stack for this weekend and quickly realized what a disservice I'd done to the not yet read.

In Cook County, two otherwise respected members of the medical field have gone after each other with gusto.

Internal Medicine Doctor Sharon Irons slapped a paternity suit on family physician Richard Phillips nearly two years after the break up of a four month affair. She'd claimed to be divorced and was not.

He claims the couple never had intercourse, only oral sex. Phillips alleges that Irons, without his knowledge, kept some of his semen and used it to impregnate herself.

Irons won in lower court when she said her alleged actions weren't "truly extreme and outrageous" and that Phillips' pain wasn't bad enough to merit a lawsuit.

But a higher court ruled that if Phillips' story is true, Irons "deceitfully engaged in sexual acts, which no reasonable person would expect could result in pregnancy, to use plaintiff's sperm in an unorthodox, unanticipated manner yielding extreme consequences."

The judges did agree with the lower court's decision to dismiss fraud and theft claims against Irons.

They agreed with Irons' lawyers that she didn't steal the sperm.

"She asserts that when plaintiff 'delivered' his sperm, it was a gift -- an absolute and irrevocable transfer of title to property from a donor to a donee," the decision said. "There was no agreement that the original deposit would be returned upon request."

Hunter S. Thompson will have an artillery send-off. Fireworks expert Marc Williams said it was not uncommon for US families to spread the ashes of loved ones through the sky in a fireworks shell.

"If you were going to light up a flash-bomb worthy of Hunter S Thompson, you'd want to make it an earth-shaker."

My sister, Dianne, wants her cremated ashes to be flown over and dropped down on Disney World during peak season.

I'd ideally like to be given over to a Swedish company called Promessa that turns loved ones into compost, then sends the compost and a tree to the family to be planted near by. Failing that, donate the body to science/medicine and be done with it.

Albert Tasker, a prosecutor in the Florida Keys, was feeling frolicsome after consumption of a legal intoxicant. Tasker had a dim bulb idea that getting naked and running to a friend's car in the parking lot of a Key West motel would be amusing.

But, unfortunately, Taker got into the back of the wrong car.

Police later found him running around the parking lot, still naked. He has been placed on administrative leave and faced charges of disorderly intoxication and indecent exposure.

then

A man, as of yet unidentified, drew police attention when he stood in the middle of a Philly street and screamed then ran about in the newly fallen snow. When the police approached, the man shed a robe he was wearing, bit a female officer on the arm then climbed into the cop car and put the petal to the metal. After a few blocks, he crashed, bringing yet another odd naked debacle to an

Q - Assuming you spend anytime surfing the net, what are some of the websites you most frequent? SaturnboyA - If I surf Sats it’s probably for Porn or Toy Soldiers (never try and combine them). Good places to leap off from might be http://www.kickassgalleries.com and see where your dick leads you. Sometimes I’ll track down artists I like (visual). Ooh! Just thought of one I like http://www.theimaginaryworld.com which is all examples of packaging. What a nerd eh? Where do you think I should go? Apart from the Life Shop. A.P

A - Kelter Skelter, it’ll be the same old sparkle free, recycled, accountant controlled, lack of adventure and invention its been for some time now. Ninety percent of popular music has always been rubbish and always will be. The record industry needs to die before we’ll get anything truly new. New attitudes, new instruments, new ways of musical disbursement and if humans are involved, sadly, new rip offs, new greed's and unforeseen scams.

‘For perpetuity throughout the universe, Just sign here.’ A.P

Q - What's your favourite Children's Book (current) and what was it when you were a child ? Ali Holden

A - Ali Pally, for my own enjoyment I would choose ‘Letters From A Lost Uncle’ by Mervyn Peake. Was even in discussions with film people to do the film music and songs at one point. It fell through because the film industry is not troubled by intelligence or vision. As a kid I can only remember comic annuals or a book with water in a plastic bag fixed at the back. My parents only had three books in the house, two about W.W.II Atrocities and an Edwardian medical manual. A.P

Cher shares: "I'm not going to give up show business but I'm going to give up touring because, you know, there are all of these young girls coming out like Britney [Spears] and J.Lo." The crowd booed at the names and Cher smirked: "I know — they are ho's, aren't they?"

I can't believe there is another story like this. But, damn, guys, be careful. When you break up with someone, for God's sake, keep your pants on.

"Police in Alaska say a woman was upset about an impending break-up with her boyfriend. At some point they decided to have sex and the man agreed to have his arms tied above their bed. She then cut off his penis and flushed it down a toilet. After the attack, police say the woman untied the man and drove him to the hospital. Utility workers recovered the severed body part and surgeons reattached it.

Officers arriving later at the couple's home found the woman cleaning up the bloody scene."

My friends have a talented kid with a penchant for mimicry. It's going to be a big day and a nap was in order for the almost tireless tyke. He did not agree.

Standing at the gate of his room, he conversed with the cats as they walked by and let the world at large know what he thinks and feels. In the other room, both parents listen to his diatribe, mommy giggling into the phone with me. Daddy is amused and frustrated.

"Dammit, Conor," he mutters.

"Dammit! Dammit, Conor! Dammit!"

Mommy and I are now laughing are asses off.

"Dammit! Dammit, Bono! Dammit, Norma! God!"

There are now guffaws. I'm practically in tears.

"Oh, no! Dammit!"

Daddy checks and echoes the statement.

"Oh, no."

Conor has begun tossing things all over his room. He's happy to have the company that dammits and stuff tossing have brought him. I'm happy to have fodder for this blog.

2005-02-20

Hunter S. Thompson died today."On Feb. 20, Dr. Hunter S. Thompson took his life with a gunshot to the head at his fortified compound in Woody Creek, Colorado. The family will shortly provide more information about memorial service and media contacts. Hunter prized his privacy and we ask that his friends and admirers respect that privacy as well as that of his family," Juan Thompson said in a statement released to the Aspen Daily News.

"Call on God, but row away from the rocks."

and for Dianne, starting her work week:

"I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours."

When you're in a family as media suave and demented as mine, catch phrases from movies, comedy routines and albums stick. There are many times that one of us will utter one of these phrases, to the dismay and puzzlement everyone else, and begin laughing uproariously.

Seeing a brief glimpse of Ernie Hudson today reminded me of one of those phrases. It comes in very handy in tight situations that need to be faced with valor and inventiveness.

The phrase? Well, let me set it up a bit. The film? Penitentiary II (and there was a Penitentiary III, if you can believe it). The scene? The prison gang, in a dire situation, needs to escape or die.Ernie's character, Half Dead, utters a classic:

"OK! I got a plan! It's called 'Save Ass'!"

Ernie is lucky enough to have been given the best line in Ghostbusters II:

An employee, a forklift driver to be exact, of Miller Brewery was fired because a photo was taken of him in his off time drinking Bud Light."It was a Saturday and I wasn't at work," he told The Journal Times. "They can't tell me what beverages I can drink. Bud Light's my beer of choice, I always drink that. Just because I work there, do I have to change what I drink?"

Thomas Bey, a CJW sales manager, read a statement to the Associated Press on Friday and would not answer any questions. He said the company does not publicly discuss past or present employees.

"We consistently remind our employees that drinking alcohol is entirely a personal decision," Bey said. "The image and reputation of any company is determined in large part by the way its employees are seen to behave. Our employees can and should be our best ambassadors."

Yet another reason for me to never drink another Miller, the Kool Aide of beers.

Vasile Barbulescu, a Romanian man, ended up in hospital after putting a piece of string around his penis to avoid going to the toilet. He admitted wrapping string around his penis to put off going to the toilet until he got home.

"He told us he had tied it really tight. When we finally got it off we saw his penis had massive injuries." said Dr Alexandru Iure. Barbulescu now faces months of complicated surgery to correct the damage caused.

No one reported why he so dreaded going to the toilet.

Why do men fall asleep after sex?According to the scientists, they are simply tired out.

'As frustrating as it is for most women that their male partners just roll over and fall asleep after sex, men aren't entirely to blame,' said Dr Neil Stanley, director of sleep at the University of Surrey.

Busy writing reviews when one of the foster cats, a beautiful Persian named Tory, went into a convulsion. I picked her up and held her close to me as she twitched. Her pupils were blown and vacant - she was not present.

When she came out of it a trip to the emergency vet was already set-up. On the way there, I kept one hand in the cage to comfort her. She threw up all over it.

By the time we arrived, she was fine except for the smell. She even braved the blood tests without a squawk.

Waiting for the results to come back but it looks like epilepsy. The Ewok Princess has always been a little touched in the head.

"The death of professional hockey in AMERICA is a nasty omen for people with heavy investments in NHL teams. But to me, it meant little or nothing -- and that's why I called Bill Murray with an idea that would change both our lives forever.

It was 3:30 on a dark Tuesday morning when I heard the phone ring on his personal line in New Jersey. "Good thinking," I said to myself as I fired up a thin Cohiba. "He's bound to be wide awake and crackling at this time of day, or at least I can leave a very excited message."

My eerie hunch was right. The crazy bugger picked up on the fourth ring, and I felt my heart racing. "Hot damn!" I thought. "This is how empires are built."

The original Hotel Gleneagles in Torqay, Devon that inspired the legendary TV series Fawlty Towers has been sold for around £1.5m..

Cleese, who stayed at the hotel with the Monty Python team in 1971, described Sinclair as "the most wonderfully rude man I have ever met". Cleese based the character of Basil Fawlty on Donald Sinclair, a former owner.

Sinclair, who died in 1981, is said to have thrown Eric Idle's suitcase out of the window "in case it contained a bomb" and complained about Terry Gilliam's table manners.

Panna and Kumar Patel, who bought the hotel with Mr Patel's brother Keethri, also own two supermarkets and a pub in Bristol. The new owners are a family from Bristol who say they are "big fans" of the comedy, which ran for 12 episodes between 1975 and 1979. Mrs Patel said: "We were big fans of the Fawlty Towers programme so we believe that it will prove to be a sound investment to have bought one of the best-known hotels in the UK."

A print by Prince Charles went up for sale at a tsunami aid auction in Ireland this week. But did not make its reserve price.

"We are disappointed it did not sell but that is the way it goes ... It is no reflection on the man whatsoever," Fergus Ahern told Reuters. "It is the luck of the draw."

Other donated paintings sold for a total of about 300,000 euros (160,000 pounds) but bidders at the Royal Hibernian Academy shunned the 30,000 euro reserve price tagged on "Windsor Castle North Aspect", a rare lithograph by the heir to the British throne.

Charles, whose interests include architecture and organic farming, originally gave the lithograph to an earlier Ahern charity auction, but the buyer decided to re-donate the piece.

“What began for me as a playful curiosity, how to photograph men having sex with 125 pounds of perfectly formed, synthetic female, rapidly turned into a serious exploration of the emotional ties that exist between men and women and their dolls. This exploration forced me to evaluate my own notions of love and what it means to value an object, a replacement human being, in effect, as real.”

According to the report, NASA Ames scientists Carol Stoker and Larry Lemke told a private meeting of NASA officials Sunday that they had found "methane signatures and other signs of possible biological activity" on Mars.

"In 5-billion years the Sun will expand & engulf our orbit as the charred ember that was once Earth vaporizes. Have a nice day."

About Me

Referred to as everything from Satanspawn to "that weird chick" to friend of all elves, Jennifer Jordan is writing and reading her way to Nirvana one word at a time. She edited the anthologies EXPLETIVE DELETED and UNCAGE ME! and is the short story/special features editor for Crimespree Magazine.
She is currently hard at work breathing.