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As entertainment critic Roger
Ebert once said, "If you disagree with something I write, tell me so, argue
with me, correct me--but don't tell me to shut up. That's not the American way."

BACK FROM THE DEADPreambleMr. Amai won’t watch Survivor or Amazing Race, loathes romance crud like The Bachelor and pukes at the thought of American Idol. So much for the stuff I normally recap.

Mr. Amai reckons guys don’t watch reality tv. He says this show is great because it’s on Spike TV. If the Guys TV Network is going to do a reality show, it’s going to be about pulling a fast one. And a sophisticated fast one, not juvenile silliness like Ashdumb Krutcher is doing on Punk’d.

PreviouslysThe Hutch lawyered up and returned, surprising Matt and sickening Kip. The rest of us were expecting it, thanks to the stupid ads that spoiled the surprise even before Hutch had been booted out the first time. This show’s motto? “We’ll Do Our Own Spoiling, Thank You.”

Matt refused to eat dog feces to win plasma tvs. Think of the starving children in Africa, Matt! And all the folks who say they’d do ANYthing for flatscreen!!

Previews of what’s coming up just spoil the recap. Bad enough they spoiled the show.

Plotting & PlanningMatt yaps in his usual daily interview, and we’re told he doesn’t know it’s the last day. How many days does he think are left? Meanwhile, cast & crew assemble in their van for all-important last-minute instructions. Director Dude tells everyone to not tip their hand. (And with guidance like that, it’s no wonder everyone screwed up.) Here’s a gem in the Vaguely Ominous Tidbit Without Substance Category: “A PA who wasn’t thinking and didn’t check where Matt was, brought someone in and nearly revealed all. It’s been corrected, just be careful.”

“Has been corrected” means they sent the PA to the Siberia of the TV industry (i.e., Toronto.) But who was the mysterious guy whose presence nearly ruined everything? How was it all explained to Matt? Why are they all coy and secretive now? Maybe it’s part of the Parody Process.

At lunch, Matt, Ashley and Hutch endure Brian Babble about sharing a frat closet with another guy for $125 total rent. Have you noticed it’s always Brian who’s interrupted by SchmHost? The Big News is after lunch there will be a Sudden Death Eviction. No Immunity Ceremony. No One Will Be Safe. Matt Over-Reacts As Usual.

Hutch and Brian together DR about how ill Matt looked. Brian says that next time, they should let a guy get a meal down before dropping a bomb like that. Why? So he has more to throw up? And why do we need DRs from the cast on this stuff? It’s got to be because it’s a double-cross, double-agent thing. Soon the Parody Tables Will Be Turning! Joke will be on the other foot!

Brian drops something, and surreptitiously leans over, picks it up and eats it. Eww. Aren’t they feeding them enough? Was that in the script? And if so, isn’t it something The Asshole would do, rather than The Buddy?

Ashley is called for her “interview” so the three guys start plotting. Matt says Ashley has a BMfuckingW, so she should get evicted. That reason sucks even on a parody of a reality show. Especially on a parody. Can’t they come up with some new reasons, new material? I guess it’s why the trillion ads say it’s a “near-perfect” parody.

Brian tells Hutch he doesn’t trust him as far as he can throw this house. Oh ha at the sly hint at “This House Of Cards."

Brian is “stolen” away for an "interview." Plotting music plays, so Hutch plots with Matt. Is it to make an alliance before Ashley goes or after? Does it even matter? Hutch tells Matt the friendship with Brian will continue no matter what, so it’s okay to boot out your Buddy. Matt appears to agree but seems ill. He tells us he’s ill. Hutch tells us Matt is ill. Can we get some more confirmation on this? I’m not sure we heard it enough yet.

Hutch DRs that even tho Matt hates his guts, he’s ready to break alliances to win. More pointless DRs from the cast! We’re being set up for sure.

Matt says he doesn’t think he’s gonna win the money. She whispers, “Who are you gonna vote for? You know who should vote for.” Matt miserably says, “Brian?” She nods and points out that they’re too close. “It is not about friendship. He’s not gonna be mad.” Right.

Matt says he feels ill. Thanks, I was joking. It was impossible to miss all the other 300 mentions. He doesn’t want to vote out his “boy.” Ashleigh says Brian’s not smart. Matt says Brian is smart and cue flashback of Brian displaying his intelligence by dropping his pants and jumping up & down.

“And Hutch,” continues Ashley, “works in a mall.” Matt replies that he himself works in a pizza shop. Hutch also isn’t that smart of a guy. “He’s smart,” says Matt and now he’s just whining. Ashley states, “There are two smart people left and they’re in this room right now.” Oh, you mean you and Matt. Haha.

Matt recraps what we just saw. He knows what he has to do. Why is he all vague all of a sudden? Every other week he spelled out what he was gonna do. Why so shy now?

Ashley’s Final WordsAshley serves her plate to SchmHost and says a few words. Music shifts to Melodramatic Soap Opera. “Well well well. Some little boys’ club. I can see why you’d wanna vote me off. I’m the stronger of the sexes and obviously I’m the only one that has any balls here. Matt, been trying to vote me off for a few days now?” He nods sheepishly yet like he’s not into transsexuals.

“Hutch? Honey, you work at a mall, and you make $6.75 an hour. I kinda can’t wait to watch you carry bags out to my Beamer.” Hutch: “I can’t wait to watch your sundress walk out this door.” Me either. A walking sundress! Alright!

What Does Matt Really Know?Matt DRs that he remembers being mad at the one guy on Survivor who didn’t vote Tina Wesson off, but now he “understands” cuz “Brian” is his “friend.” Well, finally somebody agrees with what I’ve been saying all these years about Colby’s motivation. But since when does Matt know even this much about Survivor?

Back From The DeadSchmHost tells the guys the final ceremony will be here at the mansion in a few short hours. “We’ve invited back a few familiar faces” is the cue for the Dead to Arise. Gina, Earl, Dr. Pat, Molly, Kip and newly-slaughtered Ashley return from Being Dead To Us. (Music is at fever pitch.) “Your former housemates will be deciding your fate. They will decide who wins Lap of Luxury and who gets the $100,000.” (Are those two separate things, the L.O.L. and the $$, I wonder?) (Matt mugs in surprise for the camera, shaking his head in disbelief.) “Enjoy your few remaining hours here at the mansion.” SchmHost makes it sound like a death sentence. Ha! Soon they’ll all be dead to us and I can get back to my sad existence recapping for the Man.

What Does Matt Really Know? Part 2After the Dead leave, the three finalists stand around looking gormless. Matt tells Brian and Hutch he knew something weird was going on today from the second he opened his eyes. How did he know? HOW?

Matt Might Be Giving Something AwayThe three continue to try to figure out who will vote for whom, a conundrum that’s proving too much. Anyway, it’s just a cue to recrap Kip Going Berserk and Molly Making GooGoo Eyes. Brian explains to us that they’re trying to get Matt to talk about the vote. Oh is that what it was. Brian says he and Hutch were nervous about Matt’s reaction. Reaction to what?

Matt says, “It’s over, it’s out of our hands.” He puts his feet up on the sofa and smiles strangely, “Not getting any more good tv out of us, dude.” Is it just me or is Matt looking decidedly secretive and like he’s looking forward to having fun yanking chains and revealing secrets?

Dressed for SuckcessThe three walk down the hall, arm in arm. Matt is dressed up in a suit and tie, and actually looks quite good. He looks more like a network exec than the Network Exec did. Brian has a suit but no tie and his shirt is undone. Hutch looks like a clown in a jacket over an unbuttoned striped shirt and no tie, with a kerchief round his head and those idiotic sweatbands on his wrists.

Dinner Chez GaspéTheir places are set with their special plates. Hutch whines, “I gotta eat off this piece of sh!t?” Isn’t he a riot? Brian says, “I am NOT an attractive dinner plate.” No Brian, you’re not, but at least you’re not deluded about it.

SchmHost welcomes them to the Last Supper. Hutch now regrets throwing his plate into the fire. SchmHost asks them to raise glasses for a toast. “Here’s to your final night in the L.O.L. mansion. Two of your peers on their way out but one of you will be $100,000 richer.” That Mole Music plays and I consider switching to CNN to see if Anderson is doing the news. I miss Coopie.

“We started with a moment of silence,” says Matt. “Let’s take one more and appreciate what we have.” Every single moment is reflected in the music. Now it’s “regular” creepy music, as dinner is served.

Brian asks what’s everyone’s frame of mind. Matt drops a bomb as he says, “I don’t know what’s real anymore. That network exec guy – was he an actor?” Gasps audible cap-G Gasps in the production room! We even change scenes to watch the production staff Gasping. Brian and Hutch are silent. Brian stares stupidly (as always, but not patentably) at Matt, while Hutch suddenly finds his dinner plate extremely fascinating.

Again, it’s an excuse to run Recrap, this time of Matt with Fake Exec. Brian DRs that as an actor he’s asking himself, “Should I dig deeper or back up?” Maybe if he tried asking himself as a human being he’d get a rational answer. But probably not. Anyway, he decided to back off, probably afraid if he started he wouldn’t be able to stop, and would be the one to give the whole game away, riffing on how fake everyone is.

Matt says if he wins, he won’t have to worry so much about money. He wants a house, a girl and a dog. But no kids, cuz that would spoil the ambience heh heh.

The InterrogationThe three amigos come down the stairs in slo-mo (to increase dramatic tension) and file into the Riches to Rags room to await their fate. Doomsday music plays, just like in video games when you enter a room of shadows and some monster is about to jump out with gore dripping from its mouth. Oh wait, Hutch is already here, one of the finalists.

SchmHost has on a bow tie and looks stupider than ever, if that’s possible. He spiels: “For two of you the Vacation is Over. For one it’s Just Beginning. We’ve already Given Out some wonderful prizes. Ash & Kip are off to Tahiti on Moo Goo Guy Pan Airlines. Dr Pat is going to a U-Spa and with $25 grand in her pocket should be able to do better than Hutch. Everyone got a flatscreen tv. Now it’s time to award the L.O.L. Grand Prize. Say hello Brian Matt Hutch to your old housemates, Back From The Dead!”

Kip, wearing a ridiculous green scarf, takes a seat and pulls his feet up onto his chair – no style, him. Should be a dead giveaway, gay man with no style. Molly has on bright red lipstick, and the shortest, most cleavage-revealing dress of all the ladies’ formal black gowns. Earl has on a suit & tie, but where are his veteran medals & stuff?

The UnDead To Us get to ask their versions of idiot jury questions and then the Final 3 make final pleas to be named win-ir and get given the $100,000.

Gina goes first. “If you were a participant on a reality program contest, what strategy would you implement to make it to the finals?” HaHa. “If you were a participant…” Heh. So much for not tipping her hand.

Brian would use the same strategy he used here which is no strategy.Matt launches into a recitation of his entire stay in the house, which we already heard three times tonight. He says he leads his life like he led this game (hmm is that another hint I hear, perchance?)Hutch: Be Hutch.

Earl begins by commending all three on having fought well. He has a two-part question, which is to say he has two completely unrelated questions. “If you were captured by an enemy force, starved, beaten, abused physically, sexually, mentally and tortured, would you give up info to the enemy about your men and your country? And what was your favorite game in the house?” Haha ho ho ROFL. There’s nothing to add to that. What a beaut. Now that’s what parody is all about.

Matt: No. I pride myself on not turning my back on those who love & support me. I’d be tried & true to the cause I was fighting for. I’d figure that after the beatings eventually you’re going to die or they’re going to kill you. So die with pride intact. Favourite game was the Money Honey game partially thanks to partner I did have fun.Brian doesn’t reckon he has the courage that Earl has, so can’t say he’d be as brave. Favorite game was Lick the Chocolate off the Model. She was lovely and that is an experience that undoubtedly will never happen again.Hutch: “No, and Hands On The Hooker.”

Ads. Every speech Matt makes is more long-winded than the last. Matt talks too much. Shut up dude.

Dr Pat is all pseudo-psychiatrist, and wants to know who out of the 9 of them would their inner child choose as a playmate.

Hutch’s would choose Dr. Pat and did.Brian would choose Matt cuz he’s somebody he can relate to.Matt would choose everyone except Dr. Pat and Ashley. “On the fun level Brian cuz we get along. My horny inner child would choose Molly. horny inner child? Haha but eww! The one that needs a Parent would choose Earl. Kip would be a lot of fun to play with so can we have a threesome? Hutch to beat up on.”

Molly asks the “would you donate to Charity” question.Brian yes, a small amount to a charity close to him. (i.e. him?)Matt "I’m a charity case myself." Right you ARE, Matt He won’t guarantee he’d give anything, maybe more than he usually does, like $5 instead of $1.Hutch would donate to the Get Hutch A Sports Car Fund. (aka the Hutch Fresh Air Fund.)

Ashley wants to know why someone like her should vote for someone like them.Hutch "You don’t deserve it and I do."Brian "I don’t know. You should vote for me cuz I’d sure appreciate it."Matt "I just wanna have a nice life and you’ve been on trips and you’re very worldly. Someone like you should vote for someone like me so I could share some of the experiences you’ve had." Yeah that’ll win her over.

Final PleasBrian says he's not smart but he’s smart enough to realize they’ve already made up their minds. He wants them to vote for him but “no hard feelings” if they don’t. He says he had a great time and I think he did, too.

Matt addresses each in turn. He was hurt by Gina’s vote and didn’t sell her out. He honestly believes he’s better for having met Earl and enjoyed spending a night in bed with him (laughs all round). That goes for Dr Pat as well. He gives Molly the benefit of the doubt and admits to being jealous when she kissed Ralph. When Kip called him his Knight in Shining Armour it made him beam. (I really didn’t think Matt was gay, but he’s pushing the envelope here.) He does a lousy job of sucking up to Ashleigh, telling her she has some things to work on. “Win or lose I feel like I won. That’s it.”

Hutch “You guys hate me. There’s a bit of Hutch in all of us. Think about that, think about who played this game. Maybe that’s who should win the money.”

Gratefully it’s Time for The UnDead to VoteAfter Ads, it’s Time for the UnDead to Vote for the One Housemate they’d like To Win. They are to bring the vote papers with them and to reveal when called upon. Survivor-esque music accompanies the treks to the voting area to play with the big fluffy pen. After voting Ashley primps in a mirror.

“Gentlemen, the decision has been made,” intones SchmHost for the 3rd time this episode, but it’s not a preview. This Time It’s For Real. Matt again looks pole-axed. He’s overdoing it now. Each UnDead is to explain the reasoning, if any, behind the vote and then reveal it.

Ashley – I believe he is the only one that has any potential - HutchSchmHost should have summarized the one vote. That would have been great parody.

Kip This was not a very hard decision. This person (what’s with the “this person” stuff? They’re all guys) made me laugh and made me cry and protected me when I needed him. Matt.SchmHost summarizes. Oh just like Jif. It’s not a parody now cuz Jif already does it on Survivor

Haha – look at the UnDead holding their votes in front of them. They should have devised special LoL chains with clips so they could hang the votes around their necks.

Molly chose This Person because no matter what the situation he lightened it when he opened his mouth. Did “this person” swallow a flashlight? BrianSchmHost summarizes.

Gina has respect for all who but her vote is for the candidate (ooooh – someone has a vocabulary!) who never lost sight of the true focus of why they’re here. HutchSchmHost summarizes!!

Earl voted for the man squared away and strack period. (I listened twice and couldn’t untangle that word jumble. Anyone?) MattSchmHost summarizes and adds that either the next vote will decide it or make it a 3 way tie.

Dr. Pat voted for the most real, the person who has been true to himself and to all of us and deserves this the most.

To be continued….SchmHost voices over that if you think you know how it’s going to end, you’re dead wrong.

Is that the sound of champagne corks popping or guns? That’s definitely Matt whimpering, “What is going on?” Tune in Next Week for Season Finale of the Joe Schmo Show.

Oh Mr. Amai knows, bobstew. He did stipulate that as a condition of offering comments for the recap. And now that people are quoting what he said, he's getting all diva, and wondering if he'll have the strength to make supper, now that he's a "star."

Now he's got a NEW theory about the show - that Matt thought he'd be the only actor and everyone else would be real. Full of theories is my dear Mr. Amai.

"...where Matt was, brought someone in and nearly revealed all. It’s been corrected, just be careful." - What was THAT all about, and why didn't they show it. They spoil everything else.

"Matt says Ashley has a BMfuckingW, so she should get evicted. That reason sucks even on a parody of a reality show." - Some people will purchase a used BMW just to appear rich.

"Matt appears to agree but seems ill. He tells us he’s ill. Hutch tells us Matt is ill. Can we get some more confirmation on this? I’m not sure we heard it enough yet." - I guess Matt's girth is just a fat suit.

"Brian displaying his intelligence by dropping his pants and jumping up & down." - The fastest way to a man's heart(brain) is through his prostate.

"What’s with Hutch’s sweatbands? How 70s." - yet even more e-bay paraphanalia.

"Ashley’s Final Words Ashley serves her plate to SchmHost and says a few words. Music shifts to Melodramatic Soap Opera." - Loved it. Too funny.

"I’m the only one that has any balls here." - During gestation, testicles move north to become breasts, hence the term "Chestnuts."

"He nods sheepishly yet like he’s not into transsexuals." - Haven't you ever had sex with a goat? It's not baa - baa- bhaaaaaad. Love Matt.

"Could I keep my plate? "No." - Loved it, the old double standard and subliminal 'you're not as good as Molly' note.

"...does Matt know even this much about Survivor." - I think he may have been holding back for a while. He got a little squirmy at the dinner table just after mentioning to B&H that he thought the TV exec may be an actor. I don't think he got the reaction he was looking for, got a little freaked, and gave himself an exit.

"They will decide who wins Lap of Luxury and who gets the $100,000. (Are those two separate things)" - Lap of Luxury is the name of Molly's lap dance, so to answer your question, yes.

"Matt is a double-agent?" - No, too much doofus going on there. Too many tears for Earl.

"Dressed for Suckcess the three walk down the hall, arm in arm." - Hey guys, just meet me in my room if you're in the mood for a 'sandwich'. - Love Matt.

"Brian says, "I am NOT an attractive dinner plate."" - Any dreams for the show to do any merchandising was just shot to hell, I guess this is why the SchmoHost likes to interrupt Brian.

"We started with a moment of silence, says Matt. Let’s take one more and appreciate what we have." - That's all wonderful in and of itself, but if your constantly happy with what you have, you'll never get ahead in life = pizza delivery guy.

"...proof that Matt is pulling a fast one on everyone else." - He may have caught on to questionable issues, he may be holding back, but it's not proof that he's pulling a fast one. Even if he did figure out that they are all actors, it doesn't disqualify him from the money, it just means that everyone but Matt sucks in the show. Ya for the underdog. Can you say, woof - woof SS!

"..gay man with no style." - That was SS attempt to bring contrast into his story outline, and then exploit your remark into another reality series where straight men remake gay men without style.

"After voting Ashley primps in a mirror." - She looked like she was crying to me.

"Haha – look at the UnDead holding their votes in front of them." - It's like they were trying to say, what if everyone you've ever sh!t on (or helped) in life came back to haunt you when $100k was a steak.

What an excellent summary of the summary with delightful commentary!!!

I'm now happy that i was bored out of my sleep by dreams of such paralyzing mediocrity that I couldn't stand to lie there and listen to the noise of my own heart beating, otherwise I would have missed your post!!!!

Keep up the good work!

Quote me as saying I was misquoted.(Groucho Marx)

----------------------------------------If you need me you can find me --fantasizing about my reality so I can realize my fantasy......----------------------------------------

Charmingly crafted by Phoenixmons.If you need me you can find me --fantasizing about my reality so I can realize my fantasy......I was going to refuse to post to you but I realized that if I didn't tell you, how would you know I was ignoring you?--Pythonfan

Thanks for your commentary Guppin - I'd written a really long reply addressing lots of your points, and thought I'd posted it and deleted it. Oh well. Just a couple since I've got about 2 minutes before must get ready for work.

Actually, Bachelor is more like Elimidate on steroids. Blind Date is full of great ideas for date outings. Joe Schmo ought to bring in some stuff from the Coroners' Office Gift Shop - toe tags, beach towels with dead body outlines - etc. In case that last show does include guns going off and dead bodies everywhere.

If Matt's girth is a fat suit, then that's a hell of a lot of makeup for those poolside appearances.

- flatscreen wasn't a reference to Ashleigh's boobs! Haha. Just another term for plasma tv, in my world. And mine get there 3 minutes before me.

- I really don't think any of Matt's comments were gay - he just doesn't seem the sort at all.

Overall, in order for the ending to be "unexpected" like they're hyping, it will hopefully be something really unexpected and not lame. So, maybe Mr. Amai's latest theory (that Matt thought he was to be a Mole, and everyone else was real) is on the money. Then if Hutch does pull a gun and fake shoots people, that would freak Matt out.

LOL on the Chestnuts!

There were more comments but sorry I've forgotten and it's getting late.

AMAI asks "who was the mysterious guy whose presence nearly ruined everything? How was it all explained to Matt? Why are they all coy and secretive now?"

I wondered the same as well. First, they obviously have to edit content down for time and I think this kind of "technical blunder" probably wouldn't fit the show's format too well since it's mostly about the cast's interactions.

Having said that, I believe they WILL show us this blunder, and others, in the last episode after Matt finds out.

>AMAI asks "who was the mysterious >guy whose presence nearly ruined >everything? How was it all >explained to Matt? Why are >they all coy and secretive >now?"

For the answer to that question and others as well listen to the interviews on dallas96x.ca

>I wondered the same as well. >First, they obviously have to >edit content down for time >and I think this kind >of "technical blunder" probably wouldn't >fit the show's format too >well since it's mostly about >the cast's interactions.

You are right about it being edited for time's sake. Plus they probably throw it out there so interviewers have questions to ask and viewers have something to ponder about.

>Having said that, I believe they >WILL show us this blunder, >and others, in the last >episode after Matt finds out.

I certainly hope you are right.

Fashioned by the Godlike hands of Icecat

If you need me you can find me --fantasizing about my reality so I can realize my fantasy......

Charmingly crafted by Phoenixmons.If you need me you can find me --fantasizing about my reality so I can realize my fantasy......I was going to refuse to post to you but I realized that if I didn't tell you, how would you know I was ignoring you?--Pythonfan

I might be going out of town next week, so after I post my Average Joe summary (hopefully by Wed), I may not be on for a while, but I may bring this laptop with me too, who knows. Just wanted to let you know.

I don't watch Average Joe since I feel my time can be better spent. Reading the summaries is more entertaining for me and keeps me up to speed anyway, so I will wait anxiously for yours Guppi.

Have a safe trip and a nice time. And here's one for the road.

"Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more." Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

Created by the Godlike hands of IceCatIf you need me you can find me --fantasizing about my reality so I can realize my fantasy......I was going to refuse to post to you but I realized that if I didn't tell you, how would you know I was ignoring you?--Pythonfan

Hmmm. "Hutch DRs, "Matt, please don't pull a .35 millimeter out..." Uh, excuse me, but "35 millimeter" would be a camera format. Maybe he meant to say a "9-millimeter"? Or maybe he doesn't want Matt to pull out a camera? Or maybe the actor playing Hutch is just clueless. What a revelation.

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