Ed Miliband found rescuing kittens

The former Leader of the Opposition Ed Miliband has been found wandering up and down motorways rescuing kittens, according to Thames Valley Police.

Making a statement to the press, PC McGarry of the Missing Politicians unit, said “I can confirm that having disappeared after his disastrous electoral defeat almost a month ago, Ed was found by a patrol vehicle, cycling along the hard shoulder of the M4 with a net and a little cage containing several feral cats.”

Mr Miliband initially pretended to be a Welshman called Dai Cheesebag, but officers found his House of Commons pass in his jacket pocket and took him back to the police station.

“He sobbed uncontrollably,” said PC McGarry, “and confessed that for days he had lain in a ditch drinking. Then one morning it suddenly struck him that his life could still have meaning, if he rode up and down the motorways saving lost cats.

“He’s suffering from dehydration, exposure, and some serious cat-inflicted wounds that required urgent medical attention. But we expect him to make a full recovery. Apart from his deep psychological trauma, that’ll never heal.”

The police discovered that at first Mr Miliband tried to find a van, a gang of teenagers, and a big sandwich-eating dog – which for some inexplicable reason he thought would be useful in pursuing his cat ‘calling’. But finding his efforts unsuccessful he decided instead on a bike, a modified fishing net, and a cage which he fashioned out of an abandoned shopping trolley. He then began his crusade.

M4 rubbernecker Wendy Nailinthehead said “I always wondered what happened to politicians once they’d been defeated. Makes sense I guess.”

Mr Miliband’s family said they were overjoyed to see him returned safe, apart from his brother David who threw a massive hissy-fit, and cancelled a party he had been planning.