Jack- Season 1 | Episode: 9 The Baby Show | Scene: Jack Advises
Well if you insist on going all Murphy Brown on me, let me give you a tip. Don't smother your child with affection to compensate for not having a man in your life. Don't say you're the only man I'll ever love, even babies know that's creepy.

I have to go back into space, Liz. I hope you enjoyed the kissing, followed by my genuine interest in that T.V. dance competition.

Liz:

Bye, Astronaut Mike Dexter.

Pete:

Liz, snap out of it. Jenna's locked herself in her dressing room.

Liz:

What? No, go away. This is my fantasy, Pete.

Jack:

I knew it. You're blonde in your fantasies. It looks terrible.

Jenna won't come out

Liz:

Jenna, what's wrong?

Jenna:

My niece drew a picture of me, and I look so fat!

Liz:

Well, I really like your hair today.

Jenna:

Thank you. But you don't know what it looks like. Because of the door!

Pete:

Wow, she finally figured that out.

Liz:

Okay, Jenna, you win. If you're really not feeling up to doing the show this week, I know that Jenny McCarthy is in town.

Jenna:

My nemesis? Never. Oh, my God, I bet she put Charlotte up to this.

Jack:

Lemon, that is why Dealbreakers is going to work. Because your star is a crazy person. And my star is you.

Liz:

And I am not crazy. Because, unlike Jenna, my mother never used my beauty pageant winnings to buy her married boyfriend a motorcycle.

Jack:

Exactly.

Pete:

Boy, if this thing works, it could be my ticket out. This job is starting to get to me. Lately, I've been shoplifting just to feel in control. Because no one knows I took the candy bar. No one but Peter.

Tracy's trap

Tracy:

Uh, Liz Lemon, I need to talk to you.

Liz:

What's up, Tray?

Tracy:

Come over here and check out my corner. No trap.

Liz:

What?

Tracy:

Come over here, I said. In my normal tone of voice.

Tracy:

Liz Lemon, recently, I realized that I have a hole in my heart. And not the one I got from eating batteries. It's 'cause I don't have a daughter.

Liz:

Oh, that's actually sweet.

Tracy:

I want a baby girl, Liz Lemon. I mean, having a daughter is like going to the N.B.A. All-Star Weekend. It changes you. It makes you want to take your wife to the doctor.

Liz:

Well, I think that's great, Tray.

Tracy:

I'm glad you feel that way. Because Angie's on her way up, and I want you to tell her for me.

Liz:

Oh, no, I'm not doing that.

Tracy:

Oh, yes, you are. Click. I said ''click'' to distract you from the sound of the handcuffs.

Liz:

What?

Angie:

Uh-uh! Why are you handcuffed to the bookshelf I built for my husband?

Liz:

Tracy did this to make me tell you that he wants to have a baby girl.

Tracy:

You did good.

Angie:

Really? Have you lost your mind? I'm not going to raise another child by myself.

Tracy:

What are you implying? I'm a very attentive father.

Angie:

Oh, please, Tracy. Where were you last week during Tracy Jr.'s birthday party?

Tracy:

There was a better kid's birthday party up the street.

Angie:

I cannot believe you made me come here for this. Now I won't have enough time to shop for Christmas presents and still get my hair did.

Tracy:

Your hair did? You just got your hair did. You have to get your hair did again?

Angie:

It needs to be did every week!

Liz:

Maybe we could ''undid'' these handcuffs.

Tracy:

Racist.

Angie:

Oh, cracker.

Tracy:

You know what? Keep your hair appointment. I'll do the Christmas shopping this year to prove to you I can be reliable and that I can finish everything that I...

Liz:

No, come back. Aw...

Frank is in charge!

Liz:

Listen up, dummies. I'm going to be gone this week doing my talk show. So I need to leave someone responsible in charge. Now it's not about who I like the most or who's the funniest. So it's Toofer.

Toofer:

Hm, thank you. As Tennyson wrote, ''I mete and dole...''

Liz:

No, nevermind. Lutz, you want it?

Lutz:

Mm-hm.

Liz:

Oh, okay. Too much pressure. Writers who never talk? Anybody want a promotion? Great, Frank, congratulations. You are the new boss.

Frank:

Awesome. A cool person in charge for once. My first act as leader? I'm telling them to take down the internet firewall. We can surf porn again.

I.M. Adouche?

Sue:

Wonderful, porn. I like porn.

Jonathan:

Sir, a Mr. Adouche is on the phone? I.M. Adouche?

Jack:

I.M. Adouche? Banks! What do you want?

Devon Banks:

Did you say it?

Jack:

No, I knew right away.

Devon Banks:

Oh, sure you did. Well, D.C.'s great. So many men in uniform down here.

Jack:

If you're calling to check in on your bailout money, just read the budgets we sent. We're getting more efficient every day. Our health care costs are way down since we started putting something in the coffee to keep women from getting pregnant.

Devon Banks:

It's funny, I have been reading the budgets. And I couldn't help but notice that you're doing a talk show with your four-eyed, little friend.

Jack:

That is a business decision. She wrote a very popular book.

Devon Banks:

It doesn't matter. Do you know how bad that could look? Worse than me in Capri pants. Which you'd think I'd be able to pull off 'cause I'm tall.

Jack:

What are you saying, Banks?

Devon Banks:

If this Liz Lemon project loses one penny, I am going to publicly flog you like... well, like me at the Provincetown Flogging Festival. In other words, it had better work. But don't worry. She's just a writer with zero performing experience.

Jack:

It'll work. I'll make it work. Moron says, ''what''?

Devon Banks:

What? What does he say? What?

Tracy finds the EGOT

Tracy:

I need a special gift for my wife. Something that says I'm responsible. Something simple, classy.

Salesman:

I get it, elegance. That's why people come to Yakov's Nubian Bling Explosion.

Tracy:

Yes, perfect. What's that? I want it. I forgot why I originally came in here.

Salesman:

Oh, that belonged to Philip Michael Thomas, the actor who played Tubbs on Miami Vice.

Tracy:

Sure, I know him from the secret black people meetings. Nah, I'm just kidding. He's not invited. But who's ''EGOT''?

Salesman:

EGOT is not a person, T.J., it's a goal. It stands for Emmy, Grammy, Oscar and Tony. Four awards that Thomas planned on winning in his career.

Tracy:

That's a good goal for a talented crazy person.

Salesman:

Anyway, you wanted something special for your wife.

Tracy:

Nah, that was earlier. I want this.

It has to work!

Jack:

So how are you feeling? Feeling good? Ready to go?

Liz:

With Dealbreakers, yeah. The set looks great, I'm ready. We just need an audience.

Jack:

I just want to make sure we're not forgetting anything. Because this has to work.

Liz:

Has to work? It's going to work, right?

Jack:

Yes, because it has to. And because we've thought of everything. What if you didn't wear your glasses?

Liz:

What? Do you think it's not a good look?

Jack:

Well, I don't know, are you married? I'm just saying.

Liz:

Well, I can lose the glasses. I just might not be able to read the teleprompter. And I can't wear contacts, because the doctor says my eyeballs are too pointy.

Jack:

What about LASIK? The show will pay for it.

Liz:

Okay, If you think it's a good idea.

Jack:

Great, now we're perfect. What if we changed your name to Veronica St. Pierre? No, that's too much. Your hair is fine.

Little Chewbaquina Jordan

Tracy:

Marco!

Grizz:

Polo.

Tracy:

Marco!

Angie:

Tracy, put that sword down and help me take these gifts to the car.

Tracy:

No need. I got something better than presents for you and the kids. I got us all this ''EGOT'' necklace for me.

Angie:

That's exactly what I was talking about. I send you out for gifts, and you go and buy that dumb necklace for yourself.

Tracy:

It's not dumb, It's smart. This necklace is a life goal. I'm going to win me an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar and a Tony.

Angie:

What? Tracy, you've never finished a damn thing in your life.

Tracy:

I am going to EGOT. For us. For the family. And especially for little Chewbaquina Jordan.

Angie:

Okay, Tray. You go out and win every one of those awards and prove how responsible you are and I'll give you a daughter. But until then, I don't want to hear another word about your baby girl.

Tracy:

Great, I'll be in touch. You still using your Hotmail account?

Angie:

Mmm.

LASIG eye surgery

Dr. Spaceman:

One more ''peow'' and... donezies.

Liz:

Did it work?

Dr. Spaceman:

I'm sure it did. This machine is a genuine... LASIG? Hm, curious. Here. Can you read the top line over there?

Liz:

''Dear Dr. Spitcheman, thank you for your submission. The 'New England Journal of Medicine' does not publish x-rated cartoons.''

Dr. Spaceman:

Well, why not? So frustrating. But at least I heard it from a friend. So while we're here, what else do you want to do? Face burn? Bone morph? Mouth peel?

Liz:

No, thank you, I can't. I'm going to be on T.V. this week.

Dr. Spaceman:

Really? I think you mean radio.

Liz:

No, I don't. What is... what? Why do people keep saying stuff like that?

Dr. Spaceman:

You seem nervous. I could give you something for that. Ah, but you know what? I'm not supposed to have sex with my patients.

Mr. Jordan, you need to write one great song. A song whose success will get it featured on a T.V. show. And then a movie based on that T.V. show.

Tracy:

Then a Broadway play based on that movie. This is how I'm going to get my baby girl. All I have to do is create the most popular song of all time.

Tracy:

♪ I've started already ♪

Dotcom:

That's great, Tray.

Liz is ready

Liz:

It's all happening! Hi.

Jack:

You got a haircut.

Liz:

Oh, actually, I got three haircuts. The first two made me look nuts. Hey, do I say the word ''camera'' weird? ''Cam-er-rah''. ''Cam-er-rah''. ''Cam-er-rah''.

Jack has an actress problem

Jack:

I need to talk to you. I have an actress problem.

Jenna:

Okay, don't try to move the body yourself.

Jack:

No, It's Liz. I need Dealbreakers to work. And yesterday, I told her that she shouldn't wear her glasses.

Jenna:

Oh, no, why did you do that? Jack, you don't know what it's like to be on ''ca-mer-rah''. You're vulnerable. You're exposed. You're exposed. It doesn't take a lot to send you over the edge.

Jack:

This is Lemon.

Jenna:

Not anymore. You've created two Lizzes. Regular Liz and Performer Liz. You've got to lie to her. Coddle her. Protect her from the real world.

Jack:

I get it. Treat her like The New York Times treats its readers.

Frank is Liz

Frank:

Guys, Standards is saying no the Rubik's Pube thing. What?

Toofer:

You look exactly like Liz.

Frank:

What? Shut up. You've just never seen my reading glasses before, which I have to wear to read your dumb sketches. And I lost my hat after I threw it at a bus that wouldn't stop for me even though the guy could see me running.

Lutz:

What about the purse and sweater?

Frank:

This is a bag for all the scripts I now have to carry. And I'm wearing a sweater because the studio's cold.

Frank:

You know what? I don't have to explain myself. You dummies have no idea what it's like to be in charge. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be in my office, trying to have it all. What is happening to me?

Liz's photo shoot

Woman:

Dealbreakers main titles. Take number 510.

Pete:

Okay, here we go. One more, this is the one. And action! Great and smile. With your mouth. And raise the roof! Yeah, you can ''Whoo!'' You can do it. Good! Oh, my God. Break it down, break it down. Oh, yeah, yeah, sassy. Sass it up. Wave to a friend. Wave like a human being. You remember waving? And blow a kiss. No, with your hands! And, uh... a little cleavage. Nope. And just have fun. Are you spinning a basketball?

Jack:

This is great. You look really relaxed. I'd watch this show.

Liz:

Okay.

Pete:

What's happening to her?

Jack:

Okay, Lemon, step in front of the hi-def camera. Let's see what that looks like.

Jack:

No, no hi-def. Uh... because of the camera. The, uh, ''gobos'' are really ''moraying''. Right, Pete?

Pete:

Please step away!

Kenneth:

I have a delivery for Miss Lemon.

Jack:

Oh, an opening-night bouquet. I wonder who sent that?

Kenneth:

They're from Devon Banks.

Liz:

Oh

Jack:

Banks.

Liz:

''FEMA paid for these flowers because your show is going to be a disaster.'' Jack, what is this?

Pete:

Oh, God. I got a tattoo that says ''Freedom'' in Chinese. And for what?

Jack:

May I have a moment alone with Lemon, please?

Jack:

Okay, here is the honest truth. You're better at this than Oprah.

Liz:

I need a minute.

Jack:

Hello?

Liz:

I fully understand the irony of what I'm about to say. But I have locked myself in my dressing room, and I am not coming out.

Tracy is EGOTing

Tracy:

♪ People ♪

Jenna:

♪ [Jenna scatting] ♪

Tracy:

♪ Love song ♪

Jenna:

♪ [Jenna scatting] ♪

Tracy:

♪ About love and cars I've started already ♪

Tracy:

Stop, stop! It's all wrong! How could five of the most popular musical styles, all played at once, sound so bad?

Kenneth:

Mr. Jordan, I'm not sure you've thought this through.

Tracy:

Oh, yeah, Ken? What do you know about the pressures of EGOTing? I need to speak to someone who's been there. A fellow EGOTer.

Frank:

Tracy, what are you doing? You're supposed to be in a fitting. Nerds!

Tracy:

Is it me, or is Liz Lemon getting hotter?

Liz locks herself in

Jack:

Lemon, it's Jack.

Liz:

Don't even bother! I've been on the other side of that door, Jack. You can't outsmart me. I know all the tricks. It's like that movie, The Negotiator.

Jack:

I didn't see that.

Liz:

In the end, the police chief turns out to be the bad guy.

Jack:

I didn't say I wasn't going to see it. Lemon, what is it going to take to get you out of there? What do you want?

Liz:

I don't want to do this show anymore. Shut it down.

Jack:

I can't do that. If this thing loses money, I may as well let Banks play out one of his gay, home invasion fantasies on me.

Liz:

Then I guess it's a standoff. And I want pizzas for all the hungry people in here!

Tracy talks to Whoopi

Whoopi Goldberg:

So you're trying to EGOT, huh?

Tracy:

I've got to EGOT, Whoopi. See I made this deal with my wife. If I don't EGOT, then I can't have another kid.

Whoopi Goldberg:

You know, I got my EGOT on a bet too. That's why Arlen Specter had to change parties.

Tracy:

You created the Super Majority?

Whoopi Goldberg:

Mmm.

Tracy:

I don't get it. Why is it so hard? I paid all these people to create the most popular song in the world for me.

Whoopi Goldberg:

That's the problem right there. You cannot fake your way to an EGOT, fool. You know, all these awards I got, I got for projects I believed in.

Tracy:

Wait, is that a Daytime Emmy?

Whoopi Goldberg:

It still counts. Girl's got to eat.

Whoopi Goldberg:

Listen, my point really is it's got to come from the heart. And then the awards will follow.

Tracy:

That's good advice, Whoopi.

Whoopi Goldberg:

Mm-hm.

Tracy:

Say, can I have a glass of water before I leave?

Whoopi Goldberg:

Yeah, sure.

Tracy:

Thank you.

Whoopi Goldberg:

Colored man. Put 'em back. Put it down.

Crazy bitch performer Liz

Jack:

Lemon, come out.

Jenna:

Jack, I just got your business ''sext''. What have you done?

Jack:

This is no time to play the blame game.

Jenna:

Of course not. I'm not wearing my outfit.

Jack:

Jenna, you're the only one who knows what Lemon is going through right now. Help me.

Jenna:

Well, I hate to even tell you this, but I've always wondered why you guys don't take the door off its hinges.

Liz:

Nah, that's not going to work. This changes nothing.

Jack:

Lemon, I am hemorrhaging money right now.

Jack:

Your audience has spent the last hour listening to Kenneth tell cleaned up versions of Garrison Keillor stories.

Jack:

Now I understand Performer Liz is freaking out. So I need Regular Liz's help.

Liz:

I don't know that she's here right now.

Jack:

Lemon, I need Regular Liz to tell that crazy bitch, Performer Liz, to get out on stage and give me something I can try to make money off of. Please.

Liz:

Hey, buddy. Your hair looks nice. Don't try those tricks on me!

Jack:

Oh, boy.

Liz:

Okay, I know that it's been a hard day. I could have had it all. But you had to ruin it! With your thinking! Come on.

Liz:

♪ You're a star You're on top Somebody bring you some ham ♪

Liz:

You should kill yourself.

Jack:

Good God, Lemon, what is that?

Liz:

This is how I cry now. Ever since you made me get that off-brand eye surgery.

Jack:

Lemon, what have we done to you? It's okay. Go home and get some rest. I'll take the hit.