"I haven't really campaigned since 2008, and that's because I focus on my role as mother," [and fashion icon] "My hope for their future is really at the center of everything I do, which is I why I wanted to be here for [fill in the blank with the appropriate candidate’s name]. We all want to leave something better behind for our children. [like socialism?] That's why we're here. That is really what the American Dream is all about. [paying the bill for our new socialism?]

"The truth is for too many families in this country, it feels like that dream is slipping away," [uh huh]. "That is why my husband ran for president in the first place.[to ensure that the dream slips away? That can’t be good, can it?] Keeping that dream alive for all Americans[which dream are we talking about again? Socialism?] is what drives him, what keeps him up at night. [Trust me, nothing but Speedballs and Dexies keep Big Guy up at night.]

I think you get the gist: ‘I’m a Mom and I’m here because you little gnats are threatening to stay home, or worse, vote against Big Guy’s team and ruin everything. Ungrateful bastards! You should be thanking us for what we’ve done for you.’

But Lady M, of course, is much smoother than that: the little people don’t even realize that she’s castigating their fat behinds. She’s a Harvard trained lawyer after all, and she knows how to smile and say one thing while meaning its polar opposite. It’s a core competency you get, guaranteed, for the tuition at all the Ivies. It’s proved to be worth the price of admission alone for a lot of politicians – and will continue to be, as long as the Tea Party’s stupid “say what you mean” shtick doesn’t catch on.

If it does, MO might not be proud of her country again. Although Norah doesn’t seem to remember when she wasn’t the first time:

And speaking of Harvard trained lawyers, here’s a relief: no charges will be filed against Lady M for electioneering in Chicago – which, as I understand it, is defined as lobbying at the polling place without a valid license. Since we all know that MO doesn’t have a license anymore, I guess they determined that she wasn’t actually lobbying,

“Electioneering is only punishable if someone is approaching voters, warned to move out of the election zone, and then persists.”

And then, only if you are not Black, Hispanic or dressed as a para-military thug.

Ruled to be non-threatening, on account of they were just exercising their right to wear Halloween costumes to a polling place.

So with just more than 2 weeks left to save our bacon, Lady M is cranked to single-handedly deliver America from the threat of the Tea Party. And what else would you expect from the most powerful woman in the world?

And please note, our bacon cheeseburger came with pickles, tomatoes and lettuce. They’re not organic, but sometimes you have to sacrifice when you’re on the road to save America from the excesses of capitalism.

Lady M went to do her bit in support of voting early and often in Chicago this morning:First stop: voting at the Pepsi EZ-Vote booth

Second stop, EZ-Vote # 2

Third stop: EZ-Vote # 3

Lady M demonstrated her much flaunted fashion finesse and aplomb each time she voted. Here she demonstrates how best to minimize your “assets:” Always stand in juxtaposition with the, uh, largest other female in the vicinity. It’s an old mirror trick, but it works like a charm.

Does this voter make my butt look small?

Of course, there was controversy surrounding Lady M’s voting place behavior. No, no one seemed to mind that she voted 3 times. But there were complaints about her electioneering inside the voting place. Apparently there’s some dumb rule against this:

Illinois state law — Sec. 17-29 (a) — states: “No judge of election, pollwatcher, or other person shall, at any primary or election, do any electioneering or soliciting of votes or engage in any political discussion within any polling place, within 100 feet of any polling place.”

It’s ok though, because Gibbsy said so: “I don’t think it would be much to imagine, the First Lady might support her husband’s agenda,” said Gibbs, in MO’s defense. And besides, you cannot expect a Harvard trained lawyer to know all the itsy bitsy details of campaign law. They all have much bigger fish to fry. Like eligibility requirements for being elected President of the U.S.

So can we just drop this “illegal and inappropriate” behavior crap right now? If Ricky Holder isn’t going to prosecute Black Panthers with Billy clubs intimidating voters in Pittsburg, he sure as hell isn’t going to mess with Lady M. So let’s just move along, there’s nothing to see here.

Axe-Man and Gibbsy don’t want to touch this and Rahmbo is history, so I guess it’s going to have to be burried by George Stephanopoulos, Wolfy Blitzkrieg or moi. It’s moi.

Let’s start with the first allegation: “She’s a Harvard lawyer and should have known better.”

A) They yanked her law license years ago She voluntarily surrendered her law license years ago (so they wouldn’t yank it) so I don’t want to hear anymore about that. Sheesh, get your facts on.

2) What do you think Laurence Henry Tribe and Alan Dershowitz teach at Harvard Law School, crap like election law? Pa-lease, get real. Harvard is the home of big ideas like the “Living & Evolving Constitution,” “The Unbearable Wrongness of Bush v. Gore” and “Abortion as a Lifeforce.”

3) We have a little thing called the First Amendment which allows her to say whatever she wants, anywhere, any time. It’s not like she was trying to get people to believe in the Christian God, She was trying to get people to vote for Democrats.

OK, now let’s deal with Illinois state election law. Nobody except the trolls at FOX News read FEDERAL LAWS, so who in the world do you think reads Illinois laws? Besides, MO was in Chicago where Chicago rules apply. Everyone on this blog is well versed in Chicago rules, especially the winners of my coveted Golden FLOTUS.

Finally, if you have been following the early voting in Illinois, you know that our “Ds” need all the help they can get. So how is it helpful to have an Eco-Nazi candidate trying to suck Democratic votes away from our chosen guy? Here’s how we deal with ballot insurgents under Chicago rules: Somehow the Eco-Nazi for Governor’s name was misspelled on our official ballot.

Rich “Whitney” (EN) Governor, became - by a clerical error I’m told - are you ready,

No s**t! How is that going to play on the South Side? Voter hole plugged.

So, let’s STOP the HATIN’ on Lady M and Big Guy, get on-board to let us keep our CHANGE.

Back to the important stuff: In case you’re wondering about our unique voting day outfit, Lady M just wanted to demonstrate that she’s not just a clothes pimp for the conservative line of American fluff offered up by the likes of Talbots. Here she mixes it up a bit more to her liking with a gaily printed sleeveless shell, mini-me cornflower blue cardi and giganto multi-patterned boob belt cinched up good and tight.

You really can go home again! This is what her base wants and loves, and we are here for them. Yesterday’s fuchsia sheath was for the Cheeseheads in Beer Town. But we’re back in Chi-town now, baby! Where we make the rules, and they only apply to other people.

This flattering cinched silhouette is one that MO has favored ever since we took office:

We just feel that this wrap and roll effect emphasizes our best features, while minimizing what few shortcomings we have.

So, on behalf of Lady M, I say to all of our loyal members of the the Democratic base: Pull on your best Lady M fashion forward cinched-up sensations and let’s get out there and start voting! There’s only 19 days left to save our bacon; we expect you can all vote at least once a day. Just be sure to wear something different every day so no one will recognize you.

MO demonstrates how to do this economically at her fund raising speech for current Colorado Senator, Michael Bennet, in Englewood.

The indispensible little grey short sleeved jacket; just the thing to toss on over the morning’s multi-print voting shirt thingy. Now we look professional.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

What a day! I ask you, does Lady M know how to play to her base, or what? We started with a phone chat interview with Tom Joyner, a popular radio host with a country wide audience of Black “voters.” She encouraged the listeners to vote for Big Guy’s guys, and told his audience:

We put this man in office; we're all proud of Barack and his accomplishments," …Everybody I know in our communities are praying for us. Every day we feel that and let me just tell your listeners it means the world to us to know that there are prayer circles and people who want to keep the spirits clean around us."

Then we were off to Sausage Town, to apply our platinum touch to Russ Feingold’s flagging candidacy. He was the first beneficiary of our FLOTUS, largesse, so he hadn’t better blow it.

For the flapping arms appearance we choose an “I’m just a regular American like you” fuchsia Jackie dress from Talbots, with one of our favorite St. Erasmus necklaces that cost way more than the dress.

Big White Correspondence Dinner, 2009, back when the guns were battle ready

We probably could’ve used a couple more weeks in the gym before pointing those guns, but, to paraphrase Don Rumsfeld: you go to war with the guns you have… not the guns you might wish you have.

When my husband was here in Wisconsin a couple of weeks ago, he talked about how independent and outspoken Russ is, and how Russ doesn't always agree with him. So Russ, you and I have a little something in common," the first lady joked.

Ha, ha. But let’s be clear: I’m the only one allowed to disagree with the Won, Rusty.

Russ, Butt, MO & TOTUS jr.

Then it was off to our home town of the un-dead to put our pitch in for boy-toy Alexi Giannoulias, also lagging a bit in the polls right now. While most tickets were reasonably priced under $10,000, some tickets to see the first lady were reportedly priced above $30,000. For that kind of juice, we changed our dress for something a little tighter, a little more formal and much more “persuasive.” And of course we wore our world famous Alaia boob belt: Out of the park. It’s always brought us good luck. We’re still kicking our self for not wearing it to Copenhagen.

Alexi’s Admiration

Although Alexi is a long-time, uhh, “hoop buddy” of Big Guy’s, he wasn’t expecting Lady M to do all the heavy lifting alone. Ahead of the big fundraiser, Giannoulias was out greeting morning commuters as his campaign aides urged people to vote early. In Chicago, the “often” portion of that appeal is implied and need not be stated; just in case someone is taping your campaign message.

I understand that if Alexi loses (heavens forbid), he plans on opening a Coney stand. Apparently there’s always opportunities for another wiener in Chicago.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Welcome RIGHTNETWORKers! This is where I humbly reflect my daily Big White observations.

For my regulars, if you haven’t yet, please go check out my first Official report and all the other cool stuff over at RN. Today’s report, “Michelle Obama’s Hidden Persuaders” was picked up and featured in “VOICES” at this planet’s hottest new network, which is also the hottest new site on the interweb, RIGHTNETWORK!

If you’re new to my site, you might enjoy a few of my soon-to-be Pulitzer Prize winning reports. Plus, you’ll be able to tell your grandkids you were there before MOTUS won all those awards:

Well, we’re off to slay some Republican dragons and ensure that all of our dead constituents are ready to rock the vote. All I can tell you is we are cleansed, toned and ready to let rip the dogs of war.

We’re starting with a fundraiser for Russ Feingold in Milwaukee – you might recall the last time we were stumping in the land of Cheeseheads: this is where MO announced that “for the first time in her adult life,” she was proud of her country.

February 18, 2008

That’s a tough speech to top! But don’t worry, we can do it.

After our Cheesehead remarks, it’s on to Chicago to do some hometown cheerleading for Giannoulias, Havorson and Foster and Seals. From there, we’re on to Colorado, Connecticut, New York, Washington state and California before hooking up with BO for the weekend in Ohio. It’s going to be just like the good old daze.

I’m feeling well enough to accompany Lady M, so I’ll be reporting on all the details from the road. And I can tell you this much: you’re going to luv the campaign gear we’ve lined up.

Meantime, there’s been a lot of things going on in Obamaville right here in D.C.. Starting with this piece of good news for anyone out there still lucky enough to have a job with healthcare benefits.

Today, the Internal Revenue Service issued a sample W-2 form for 2011. The form looks just like the W-2 you have received in years past, with one important new piece of information. Beginning in 2011,employers will have the option of including the value of the health care benefits that you have received on your W-2 so you can know more about your benefits and you are an empowered consumer. In 2012, all employers who provide insurance will be required to include this information on their workers’ W-2 forms.

But lest there be any confusion:

And because this has been the subject of rumors, let’s be clear: you will absolutely not pay taxes on these benefits.

Read my lips, no new taxes… this year.

So forget all those stupid rumors. Absolutely. No. Taxes. On. Benefits. Not this year any way. And by next year, you probably won’t have a job anymore any way, so you’ll be grateful for what you get. And if you do - still have a job, that is – you’re employer will probably not be offering healthcare benefits anymore anyway. So you see? This is really good news.

In other news: Big Guy had a little competition yesterday in the ‘pretty face and deep thoughts department’: George Clooney was in the building.

George came to the Big White to lecture Big Guy about the state of affairs in Sudan, and why they need some of our money to prevent a tragedy following the next election. It’s cute how these Hollywood geniuses find a way to be relevant on your dime isn’t it? I’m not sure how well BO took it. After all sounding smart and Saving the World is really his job. And frankly, he’s a little more concerned with his own tragedy, scheduled to open in a polling place near you in November, than the one in Sudan.

He also wasn’t real pleased that Lady M was making googly-eyes at George either. Not that Georgie seemed to pay any attention to her. He seemed more more taken with Big Guy.

Probably just as well we’re hitting the road for a few days. I’ll be seeing you from the land of Cheeseheads and the land of Perpetuity.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

After her very busy summer of sacrifice and hard work, you’d think Lady M would be exhausted, and in need of a rest. Especially since we have another hectic season coming up: stumping for all the dead-Dems-walking, a jam-packed holiday season, and a “rumored” Vogue cover shoot. But you’d be wrong. MO has had the Big White literally sizzling with runway electricity.

It’s our quarterly wardrobe transformation, and because it ushers in the holiday season, our Fall Fashion collection is always the most anticipated. So grab a bag of Cheetos, strike a pose, and prepare yourselves for our fall fashion tour of fabulosity: we’re about to openLady M’s Fall Fashion Notebook.

Our head stylist, Ikram, along with our dozens of style-icon assistants, have been helping us sort and select from literally hundreds of gowns, frocks, slacks and mini-me sweaters that have been arriving at the Big White by the truckload.

Winnowing down the selection of belts, pins, brooches, bangles, earrings and doo-dads alone took 3 whole days! We probably could have managed in 2 if we hadn’t scheduled regular martini and snack breaks.

Ikram, Lady M’s fashion guru. Now you know.

We’re working it extra hard this year because things have been a little grim in the news. We’ve got the recession raging, confidence flagging, Dems betraying, and Ms.NBC hatin’ (on us). I’m sure you can see, our finally crafted image is on the line, so we’ve got to get the optics right.

We can’t afford another fashion faux pas like we had last year at the Veteran’s Day ceremony at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Lady M wore something many considered, well, unusual. It was a “one thing is not like the others” moment, and not in a good way.

But in Lady M’s defense, Veteran’s Day was not a holiday that she and Big Guy ever celebrated before she was proud of her country. So she wasn’t familiar with the protocol.

This year we’re playing it safe and have selected something from the Max Mara Fall 2010 military-look collection that I think will work much better:

Trending: military chic

Note that we’re keeping our signature boob belt, but toning down the “ammunition belt” silhouette. We’ve also ruled out the matching suit (left): we’re still not that comfortable with the whole “military” thing.

And since the coat buttons up to the neck, MO can discretely recycle an old favorite that she’s worn to many military Medal of Honor ceremonies.

That way, as soon as the Arlington wreath ceremony is over, we can just lose the coat and we’re ready for cocktails and snacks!

But back to our fall wardrobe choices: We need selections that can stand up to an entire season of multi-cultural celebrations.

The season kicked off with Eid Al-fitr - the end of Ramadan - on September 11; which was inconvenient, for sure, since Lady M had to go to Pennsylvania with Laura Bush on the same, exact day for a 9/11 memorial.

Then we jumped right into Mexican Independence Day...

Lady M, wearing her “Rubber meets the Load” frock in the season’s newest neutral: graphite, at this year’s Mexican Independence Day festivities

Curiously, the holiday-formerly-known-as-Columbus-Day is celebrated as Día de la Raza in Mexico. My language pack translates that as “Day of the Race,” which doesn’t sound anything like “Columbus Day” or “Fall Holiday,” although I’ve been assured it marks the same event.

But I digress. Putting our Summer of Recovery behind us, we’re launching into our robust Fall of Fabrication. Lady M has selected an extraordinary color scheme of camouflaging neutrals, and 3 fashion motifs for the First Family’s wardrobe.

All beige, brown, black, khaki and gray; the entire fashion world is dialing down the color saturation. Our BFF Arianna calls it “The Audacity of Taupe.” It’s a bit drab, muted and subdued – dull even - but in a totally post-partisan way.

Some say the intent of this palate of neutrality is to inject a sense of calm into the kaleidoscopic tumbling of fragmented vectors...???...I don’t know what that means. But it does remind me of something...what is it again?...oh yes: the Carter years.

So, here, in a nutshell is our First Family fall fashion plan: 3 of the hottest trends emerging from the most influential design houses (the ones that send us free stuff).

1) Military chic: as the Daily Mirror (the other one) put it: “… what better way to achieve world domination and project yourself as a force to be reckoned with than following in the footsteps of history's most feared men?” Enough said.

2)) Cossack couture: technically a subset of military chic, but with an emphasis on warmth, in case you can’t afford to turn up the thermostat this winter. It’s uber-stylish, mainly because everything from Soviet era USSR is cool again.

3) Caftans: this is a nod to our North African Arab-Muslims. It’s likewise a great look for those American women who aren’t, and probably never will be, as as slim, toned and smart as Lady M.

Caftan inspired fashions are designed to hide those burger bumps, ice cream handlebars, muffin tops and “beer” bellies so prevalent in fly-over, while still stylin’ like vixens. Of course, if you’re proud of those burger bumps, this could be a good choice too:

Jean Paul Gaultier. Who else?

Our caftan collection, on the other hand offers approachable fashions that provide camouflage for butts and thighs in need of liposuction, and pre-tucked tummies on hold until George W. Bush’s recession of 2009-12 is over.

First up, our military look. Despite our misgivings about the military, we really like this motif, especially since Big Guy is acting commander-in-chief. You’ve already seen Lady M’s selection from this genre.

MO thought this look was evocative of Winston Churchill, although I don’t know how she would know, since they sent his statue back to England. I’m a big Winnie fan, but truthfully, I’m thinking this is more “Stanley Kubrick meets Super Fly.”

.

For more casual outings, we’re trading BO’s Verizon-guy “can you hear me now?” jacket for something a little more macho; a little more “I visited a South American dictator.”

MO selected this next look for BO from Calvin Klein’s velvet and satin formal wear collection. This is obviously intended for very special occasions – for example, if Big Guy needs to accept another prestigious international medal from the Norwegians, Frogs, or Belgians.

Look for Big Guy to wear this when he convinces Bebe to “submit” to his Middle East “Peace” Plan, and announces that the Jews have all agreed to go home to Germany, Poland and Boca Raton.

And don’t think we’ve left out the Wee Wons. Here’s a little something for them to get their para-military vibe going:

Stella McCartney for Gap Kids! Adorable.

This brings us to our Cossack collection, another look that’s “of the moment” this fall. Here it is for kids, from Jean Paul Gaultier’s “little brown shirts” collection:

It’s roots are an ironic blend of Cossack and royalty. You see the royal influences from the robe worn by Czarina Alexandria, below, the last of Russia’s Romanovs. Don’t ask. It didn’t end well.

Czarina Alexandria, left;Regal red for the “Winter Holiday.” Again, an exception to the color palette for the royals.

Inspired by this collection, Ikram tracked down these great costumes for Lady M and Big Guy to wear for the annual Big White Halloween party. This year’s costume theme: “Come as youreally are.”

The Red Queen, and the Mad Hatter: they’re costumes

Wrapping up our Cossack line is this little number, also from Max Mara. It comes in a muted but elegant khaki and combines 2 of our fall motifs: military reference and a Cossack bloomer thingy with matching boots. Plus, those to-die-for black fur mittens – a deconstructed muff!

How postmodern.

Added value: it comes with a belt that holds our Blackberry and snacks.

Moving on to the Caftans: while they are unisex, these don’t work so well for Big Guy. As you may surmise from this picture of fellow fashion-icon, Andre Leon Tally, it doesn’t fit well with Big Guy’s new man-up look.

Andre, keeping it real in his satin caftan

Besides, caftans aren’t really designed for manorexic poseurs anyway.

sample manorexic poseur

Our caftan collection is ideal for people who are just looking to lose that last 50 pounds, and don’t have the benefit of a high-tech, “emperor’s” mirror like moi. Not that anyone around here needs to lose weight, butt still, we do want to model something for everyone.

If you missed yesterday’s post - Happy Thanksgiving Canadians, Eh! – then you also missed our choice for this year’s non-public “Fall Holiday” party. Lady M selected a sleeveless, caftan-inspired gown reflecting Native American sensibilities. Fall Holiday, as you may recall from history class if you’re under 30, is the day we commemorate the Europeans arrival in the New World to kill Native Americans with small pox and steal their land.

From one of our faves, Jean Paul Gaultier: shower curtains, bangles and wonder bras. He so gets Lady M.

I haven’t quite figured out the leg warmers yet, but anything that covers up those shiny gams meets with my approval.

What really throws this look over the top is the perfectly matched, insulated, roomy snack bucket. As Chrissy Matthews would say, this one’s “pluperfect.”

Artist’s rendering, MO’s rendering

Did I mention that the Cossack line uses a lot of real fur? The animals have been raised on a 100% organic vegan diet, so I don’t think PETA will object. I’m not sure this look is quite right for MO, but she does love fur, and ordered one of each.

I think it’s supposed to be some kind of a cross-cultural statement, but it comes across more cross-species. All I’m getting is “Yeti in Burqa,” but I doubt that’s what the designers had in mind.

And for our last entry in Lady M’s fall fashion notebook, Ikram really hit this one out of the park. She found the perfect look for Big Guy’s new civilian national security force from – are you sitting down? Armani!

And remember Big Guy wants his National Security Force to be “just as strong, just as powerful … as our military.” With these new uniforms, I don’t think we’ll have any trouble finding recruits. We’re pretty sure they’ll all be packin’, butt we’ll probably have to teach them to shoot straight.