Yet the pains we take to keep our egos afloat can come with some unintended negative consequences. It’s not that greater self-esteem is a bad goal; the issue is that focusing too much energy on pursuing it may come with personal and social costs that diminish the benefits.

Personal Perils

The more concerned we are with raising our self-esteem, the greater the risk that we may become consumed by securing proof of our lovability, attractiveness, professional or academic prowess, or any other quality upon which we might base our status. That’s all fine and good, so long as we’re getting positive feedback in these arenas. “But when you base your self-worth on external things, you’ll likely perceive ‘failure’ in those things as an indictment of your value as a person,” says Lora Park, Ph.D., a self-esteem researcher and associate professor of psychology at the University of Buffalo.

Too much time spent obsessing over keeping our esteem at its fullest can also drive us toward—rather than away from—risky behaviors such as substance abuse, either in the interest of garnering approval and attention from peers (if our worth hinges on others’ acceptance) or as a means of escaping the unwanted pressure we feel when seeking unattainable proof that we’re perfect The Costly Pursuit of Self-Esteem. Crocker, J., & Park, L.E. Psychological Bulletin, 2004 May;130(3):392-414.

Even repeating those positive affirmations (such as “I’m a loveable person”) that are so popular on Pinterest can drag down the moods of those who don’t see themselves in a positive light: Declaring how we think we should feel may simply confirm how far off the map our true self-worth really is. “While they may lift our self-esteem a degree or make us feel more successful in the moment, these kinds of things can’t compensate for the parts of ourselves that carry shame, worthlessness, or feelings that we’re not good enough,” explains therapist Noah Rubinstein, founder of GoodTherapy.org.

And even if we’re not outright jerks, the more effort we put into proving our self-worth, the less empathetic, supportive, and present we act toward our peers Does Self-Threat Promote Social Connection? The Role of Self-Esteem and Contingencies of Self-Worth. Park, L.E., Maner, J.K. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2009 Jan;96(1):203-17.. Though we may think that dodging perceived threats to our self-image leaves us better off, insulting people who don’t constantly praise us—or writing off ones whom we fear surpass us in looks, career success, or other markers of status—prevents us from truly connecting with others, which is a fundamental human need, Park says.

Self-Compassion Trumps Self-Esteem

Don't get us wrong: No one’s advising we stop all attempts to up our confidence. But we might do well to shift our focus toward an alternative way of feeling great in our skin that comes at much lower psychological price.

The first step is to swap out self-criticism for self-inquiry. “When someone becomes curious about the many parts of themselves while keeping judgment aside, they begin to listen to those parts, childhood wounds and all,” Rubinstein says. “In so doing, they’re brought closer to that vulnerable feeling that fuels all that perfectionism in the first place.”

Photo: Samantha UshedoAnd with help from a trusted mental health professional, he adds, people can practice a totally un-American skill that has the same upsides of high self-esteem minus its icky repercussions—that of self-compassion. “Learning to be self-compassionate requires revising the extreme thoughts, beliefs, and feelings people have held onto for years,” Rubinstein says. “Because so many of us have been taught to ‘suck it up,’ few of us have learned to be tender to ourselves.”

Instead of measuring ourselves against others, berating ourselves for making mistakes, and gritting our teeth during difficult times, self-compassion involves the acceptance that mistakes aren’t only inevitable, they’re a part of what unites us with the rest of humanity. Read: We all do it—and therefore it’s not only OK but natural for us to err too. (Whew!)

In contrast to self-esteem, which can bias us against acknowledging undesirable aspects of ourselves, self-compassion appears to help unhinge people from defensive behaviors that keep them from owning up to their errors. As a result of accepting imperfections without ruminating over their impact on our self-image, our ability to get over them increases, as does our overall mental health.

Studies have also demonstrated that self-compassion ups our ability to improve upon our shortcomings, steels our stamina to persist in achieving goals we may have previously failed to reach, inclines us to apologize for transgressions, and motivates us to avoid replicating those misdeeds in the future. Plus, the more apt we are to engage in self-compassion, the more likely we are to compromise and exhibit concern for the wellbeing of others—likely, researchers believe, because the mindfulness involved in cutting ourselves a break fortifies our ability to assume alternative perspectives and viewpoints.

The Takeaway

If you’re struggling to feel better about yourself, know that you likely won’t enjoy any boosts to your ego if the reason it’s being raised doesn’t come from within. True resilience comes from the ability to accept and respect our shortcomings, challenge ourselves to correct our mistakes, and forgive ourselves when we fall on our butts.

Since that self-compassion comes with the physical and mental benefits, instead of striving so hard to prove what you’re worth or seek approval that you’re good enough, know that you are—even when you screw up. We all make mistakes, so cut yourself some slack.