BBC 2 declares War on BBC 1

Warring news-tribes, angered by the Panorama investigation, opened fire on studios where radical BBC 1 journalists are known to be in occupation. Fierce hand to hand fighting at BBC Television Centre escalated into a mortar battle in the early hours, as BBC 1 responded with heavy rounds of rocket fire, killing four Newsnight producers and prompting an application for voluntary redundancy from a fifth. Blue helmeted health and safety officials tried to separate the fighters, but were unable to produce the correct paperwork, and were asked to leave at gunpoint by privatised security staff.

Meanwhile BBC3 Militiamen, long envious of the perceived success of BBC 6 music which was recently rescued from a death sentence, launched a drone attack on the BBC 6 Studios. Ken Bruce, who was eating his sandwiches in a nearby office, took a direct hit to his Thermos flask – increasing the prospects of Radio 2 being drawn in to the dispute.

Outside the ruins of Broadcasting House, a compassion-weary Orla Guerin dressed in helmet and bullet proof vest reported the plight of legions of outsourced IT and administrative staff, made homeless by the fighting and waiting in the rain. Makeshift refugee camps have been set up in the Oxford Street branch of John Lewis and Debenhams. (Bedding Departments)

“What makes this tragedy even worse, is the widespread hunger caused to those who have nothing to do with the fighting,” Ms Guerin told a makeshift audience. “Outsourced catering staff, fearing for their lives, have fled the battle scenes, leaving tea bars and soup ‘n baguette franchises empty and workers without sources of food. Even the World Service Kofi Anan Bar has been occupied by Entwistle extremists. Now, as the winter sets in, the seriousness of the situation can only deepen. Reports of local radio stations forming separate tribal militias means this is a Corporation in ever growing turmoil, where nobody's role is safe again. Ever. But never mind. Here’s the Carpenters to cheer you up, with Yesterday Once More. Orla Guerin. News at Ten. London.”