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Monday, December 5, 2011

I can hardly believe it is December. 5 days already (almost) done. 20 days until Christmas.

....what?

I am not ready. In all aspects...I am not ready. Emotionally, spiritually, physically. I pulled some decorations out of the storage room and looked through them....then left them right by the storage room door. Our tree is still up in the garage rafters. Tonight we have a Christmas concert at church. Am I in the mood to play festive Christmas music? Hardly.

It's hard to pinpoint exactly how I am feeling. Its not that I don't want to celebrate Christmas. Its just that things just don't feel the same and I'm playing by a new set of rules. Having my house all decked out in the holiday spirit just doesn't mean the same thing as it used to mean to me.

Last year at Christmas we were about 20 weeks pregnant with Trace. It felt like we were barely pregnant; we had just started sharing the news about this time in December. I thought that if I could just make it through the first six months of having two small children that I would be okay. That the hard part would over. I thought by Christmas, Michael would be 2 and older and Trace would be sitting up by himself and sleeping well at night.

Well...my visions of two sweet boys in matching pajamas opening presents on Christmas morning remains just that: a vision, a distant memory. And it stinks. It just feels wrong to be celebrating something so big without him. I am struggling with the fine line between grieving his death and being present for the people who are still here on earth with me.

I feel like this journey of our first Christmas in our new life is just beginning so stay tuned. The good news is that all my shopping is done and should start receiving Amazon.com boxes full of gifts on my doorstep any day now.

6 comments:

Oh Rose, a big lump forms in my throat every time I read one of your posts. You and yours continue to be on my mind and heart as you find your way in this world while someone you love so deeply is no longer in it. I know that you will be with him again someday, and I know you believe that to, but in the mean time you have to figure out how to live here without him. There are no instructions on how to do that, but I know that you and Scott will do the best you can. There is no right or wrong way to do it, so you'll just have to feel your way along and do what is right for you and Scott and Michael. This is a personal journey, but don't ever feel that you are alone on it, there are people far and wide who are here supporting you and lifting you up daily. We are still here for you.

Please know that on the days when it is just too much to do anything, that we as the body of Christ are here, to lift you up and to carry you until that time when you again are able to do so. Conitnually praying for you and your family.

I think what's really important is that you keep aware of your feelings. I know that we all reading think that you are incredibly strong, but that strength doesn't have to be constant. You're more than allowed your time to falter.

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." I heard this on the radio today and thought of re-uniting in heaven. "Another world."