Cycle of domestic violence complex

Economic status, level of education not a predictor of experiencing abuse

February 18, 2013

MARTINSBURG - Patricia Greenley grew up in a household in which her parents were married for more than 50 years. She has a college education and a good job. Greenley is a confident woman.

"Looking at me, you would never know that behind closed doors I was being abused," Greenley said.

Mary, a licensed clinical social worker, said there are misconceptions about the women who become involved in abusive relationships. Some might think economic status and education is the cause, but Mary said there really is not a specific type of woman who experiences domestic violence.

Abusers, on the other hand, have a specific personality, Mary said. She asked that her last name not be used due to the sensitive nature of her work.

"Most people think of domestic violence as physical abuse," Mary said. "But, generally, there is almost always a controlling, manipulative personality that goes with that."

Greenley commutes 90 minutes to and from work during the week. Throughout the course of her nine-year marriage, her abuser expected a phone call each evening that would last the length of her drive home.

"When I got in the car, if I didn't call soon enough, my phone would ring almost instantly," Greenley said. "He wanted to ensure that I wouldn't talk with anybody else."

While these nightly phone calls became their routine, Greenley said they did not feel routine.

"I knew what the purpose of the phone call was," she said.

Domestic violence is about control, rather than being a kind of relationship issue, Mary said. There are a number of red flags associated with abusive relationships, such as a lack of boundaries, extreme jealousy and isolation from family and friends.

Greenley said her partner showed signs of abuse even before they were married, but they were subtle.

"It started with just subtle words, subtle hints, those things that I should have picked up on," Greenley said.

Over time, the relationship became more volatile.

"It was just turmoil. It was just like being on a roller coaster ride," Greenley said.

It can be difficult for women to leave abusive relationships, Mary said. A number of factors contribute to why women do not. Leaving the relationship can increase a woman's risk of getting hurt or killed.

"When a woman leaves an abusive relationship it is probably the most risky time, (the) most dangerous time," Mary said.

Greenley left her abuser four different times. The largest reason why she stayed was because she wanted her marriage to work, Greenley said.

"There were no other factors that really kept me besides wanting a healthy marriage, a good marriage," Greenley said. "That was my hope."

Fear and isolation are also reasons why women might not leave the relation or why it may take them multiple attempts, Mary said.

"There are some people that just have no regard for (protective orders)," Mary said. "It can be very scary for women to leave when you get an order and you don't know if they're going to abide by it."

When a woman is isolated in the relationship, they often feel as if they have no one to turn to, Mary said.

"(Women) don't have anybody to talk to or tell them that it's not their fault," Mary said. "They're only listening to the person they're living with or in the relationship with."

Finding her strength was what allowed Greenley to leave her marriage for good.

"Those things that he was saying to me, I started realizing within myself, 'No. That's not who I am. And your thoughts about me don't have to be my thoughts about me,'" she said.

Education is key in the effort to prevent domestic violence, Mary said. Learning what is a healthy relationship and becoming aware of the signs of abuse are an important component of that education.

"It's very important to teach (people) about equality and respect," Mary said. "I think when people understand (the red flags) and they get to recognize it, they can steer clear of it."

Five years later, Greenley continues to heal from the nearly 10 years of abuse she endured. She is in a new marriage, which she says is healthy and happy. Greenley has also started an anti-domestic violence advocacy group in the Eastern Panhandle.

Voices Against Domestic Violence advocates for healthy families and relationships, Greenley said. The organization also provides support and encouragement for women who are currently in abusive relationships.

Organizing the group has been integral to her healing process, Greenley said.

"An effort to reach out to help someone else definitely plays a part of healing the things that I've been through," Greenley said.