Boring Dietitians Share Tips For Ruining Your Kid’s Halloween

Those boring dietitians must love Halloween because it’s one of the only times of the year when we care what they have to say about anything. When they aren’t busy mommy-shaming us into foregoing cupcakes to fit into our skinny jeans, they are eagerly awaiting the month of October so they can be interviewed about how parents can ruin Halloween for kids by being delicious Milk-Dud dictators.

Oh now, for all of you dietitians reading this I don’t think you are boring and it’s nice you can help us all figure out what to eat in order to live long, healthy, happy lives, but I also firmly believe that parents are pretty smart people. We know how to do all kinds of things, like threaten our kids with no video game time until they have done their homework, find a local Applebee’s when we need one, and monitor our kid’s intake of Halloween candy. Parents are all smart like that! But still, every Halloween, just like a slutty candy corn costume, dietitians appear out of nowhere to give us parents advice that most of us know already.

“The best defense is a good offense,” said Stephanie Harris, a registered and licensed dietitian with Hillcrest Hospital South. Start the night with a well-balanced meal or healthy snack, like a peanut butter sandwich and fruit.

So for all you parents who were planning on just letting your kids go trick or treating without dinner and letting them enjoy fistfuls of fun-sized candy bars as a meal, you probably shouldn’t do that. Duh.

Dr. Kevin Strong, founder and CEO of Dunk the Junk, a national organization to get kids to switch from soda and junk food to healthier options, suggests cool fruits such as clementines, starfruit, and ugli fruit if your budget allows.

You guys, this is an excellent idea! And I have found us a source where we can buy uglifruit, for the bargain price of thirty dollars for 6 pieces of fruit. Doctors! They are just like us except they can afford to hand out five dollar pieces of fruit on Halloween in order to keep kids healthy! Another suggestion that I keep seeing everywhere is to hand out raisins, also known as “Nature’s Candy”, also known as “Dried up grapes that will make any kid super sad when they find them lurking at the bottom of their trick or treat bag.” I can see handing out snack-sized bags of pretzels or Goldfish crackers but raisins? Raisins! Not to raisin-shame the raisins but I don’t want my kids to get no stinkin’ raisins because even I won’t try and steal those.

To ensure a safe and healthy Halloween for kids, here are some tips for parents from Dr. William Gillespie, a pediatrician and chief medical officer at EmblemHealth:

Consider trading a toy or extra allowance for your children’s candy. If they are young enough, say the Candy Fairy will substitute a toy for the candy if they leave it out for her.

Santa Claus. The Easter Bunny. The Tooth Fairy. The Candy Fairy? Really? This doctor is suggesting we invent a magical Candy Fairy from Candyland who takes candy from kids and replaces the candy with toys? I don’t know about the rest of you, but my kids would be giving me half-melted Hershey bars and those cheapass suckers they get from the grocery store checkout lady in attempts to have me leave them out for the whimsical and magical Candy Fairy to swap with Barbie dolls and Xbox games. There ain’t gonna be no damn Candy Fairy visiting my house during Halloween week, not ever.

I can totally get behind donating excess Halloween candy. I can get behind letting your kids eating a few pieces and then rationing out the rest of it over the course of a few weeks and then tossing the rest. I can see substituting some of your kid’s candy with healthy treats and reminding them that too much sugar isn’t a great idea for their health or their little teeth. But there is no ways in hell raisins, ugli fruit, or this magical Candy Fairy will be part of my family’s Halloween celebration. That shit is just too scary for me.