ATTENTION
BEAST READERS! The BEAST needs you to be the next Mayor of our dear
city. That's right! We want you, a lowly loyal BEAST reader, to be
the next Mayor of the city of Buffalo. WE ARE TOTALLY SERIOUS! We
are launching a search for 16 contestants willing to run for the position
of Mayor in 2005...

We're
looking forward to this election like we'd look forward to a hemorrhoidectomy.
That's because George Bush is probably going to win. He's either going
to win outright and Kerry will humbly concede, or he's going to rig
or steal it in a squeaker, resulting in Kerry and the Democrats putting
up a meek fight before humbly conceding. The electorate, at least
those that were so passionate about anybody-but-Bush, will cry, whine
a lot, accept it, lick their wounds and crawl back into their cubicles
of prefabricated contentment, preferring to get an early start on
their Christmas shopping.

1.
The Supreme Court.
Not only could this body again determine the outcome of this election
by a widely scorned 5-4 vote based on indefensible logic, but if Bush
stays in power he'll get the chance to ensure a religious right majority
for decades-say goodbye to Roe v Wade. Chief Justice Rehnquist is
about to go down, and if Kerry wins, that means a chance to tip the
scales in favor of reason.

Nothing
brings out the inner Mazes and Monsters fanatic in the fundamentalist
Christian like a war. Times of peace and prosperity are, for the deep
believer, relative fallow periods, where all the drama of existence
is confined to shouting matches at P.T.A. meetings and pseudonymous
requests for sexual advice in whispered late-night phone calls to
Dr. Laura.

Fiscal
Diarrhea -
Frankly, we're speechless. What haven't we already said about Erie
County's fiscal meltdown under Don Joel Giambra? The Tobacco Settlement
money's long gone (except for the debt we owe on the loans against
the payoff), ECMC's been sold and mortgaged for over a $100 million,
and the county still faces a $130 million deficit. Didn't this guy
just get re-elected? What the hell are you people thinking?

Sam
Hoyt caught my attention during the Democratic primary for the 144th
NY Assembly District. During that race, Hoyt, a 12-year incumbent
in the post, faced Joe Golombek, a Buffalo City Councilman. The race
was very close, with Golombek launching an intense campaign backed
by a number of people, including County Executive Joel Giambra. Hoyt
managed to take the nomination, almost assuredly locking a victory
in the Democrat-heavy 144th.

Breast
Cancer Awareness Month was launched in 1985 by Zeneca Pharmaceuticals.
Zeneca is the company that manufactures the widely prescribed breast
cancer drug Nolvadex (generic name tamoxifen), and operates a chain
of cancer care centers. No conflict of interest there! All TV, radio,
and print media regarding Breast Cancer Awareness Month are paid for
and must be approved by Zeneca. But wait; there's more.