Ask Irma Kurtz: Sexual Orientation

Q: I heard that one of my oldest friends is coming out of the closet and wants to talk. I'd like to be supportive of her, but what do I say?

A: Don't worry: By the time she comes out to you, she most likely won't be looking for advice or even your opinion about her sexual orientation; she'll simply need your acceptance. And she'll want to know that she's secure in your friendship now and for keeps. So after you've listened to her news, tell her from your heart (I hope) how happy you are that she at last feels free to be herself, and that you really admire her for speaking up. Then assure her that as far as you're concerned, nothing has changed at all; she's still the same person she always was and always will be, and you love her for it.

A: Yes—until you find out why your fiancé is acting like a bank. First, realize that money is usually the last thing couples share, long after sharing bodily fluids and a roof. So perhaps your fiancé panicked when you griped because he saw it as an attempt to control him. Still, before you can change (or accept) his behavior, you must know the reason for it. Maybe insecurity is to blame; is he overgenerous out of fear he won't be liked? Or is it from guilt that he's better off than others? Ask gentle questions and listen carefully. And don't you dare marry him until you can agree on how to spend—and lend your shared money.

Q: Lately my boyfriend's been hinting about having a threesome. I'm daring—but apprehensive about this. Should I do it?

A: No, not if you're apprehensive. Letting a third person share private moments may make future alone time with your guy feel less loving. Sure, couples can do this without ruining their relationship—but if your gut says no, heed the warning.

Q: I've been dating a married man for two years. He says he wants to leave his wife, but that it's hard for him to admit his marriage has failed. Am I kidding myself?

A: Red alert! The fact that he can't come to grips with ending that damaged relationship is a sign he's not totally sure it should end. You are wasting your time and your emotional energy. Get out. Now. And please don't break up with him in the hope that he will miss you deeply and "choose" you. Yes, that could happen, but most likely not. And even if it did, do you really want to be with someone who has such huge cracks in his moral foundation? Because an unfaithful husband, no matter how good he is to you, is still a cheater and a liar. As hard as it may be, tell him you can't see him anymore. It's time you free yourself up for a good, faithful man who's all yours.