Lindsay Lohan turned herself into jail at 8:48PM PST last night, to serve a 30-day jail sentence for Being Lindsay Lohan. (Probation violations.) She checked out again less than five hours later, around 1:40AM. But when she opened her eyes and stepped into daylight, she found that everything was different: The king was dead, and where once there had been saplings, now there were trees. "Rip van Lindsay! Rip can Lindsay!" the townspeople cried, and when she touched her fingertips to her chin, she found a long silver beard. [TMZ, Us, image of LiLo on morgue duty via Bauer-Griffin]

Kim Kardashian flew to Minnesota, apparently for couple counseling with Kris Humphries, the 72-day husband she filed for divorce on Halloween. (Henceforth known as Kardashiween.) Officiating the counseling session: the Humphries family's pastor, who also officiated their marriage. Apparently Kris is upset about breaking of the sacred "covenant" of marriage. Kid, you sacrificed sanctity the minute you entered the televised hellhole of crass Kardashian greed. Apparently Kris is "ecstatic" at the chance to win Kim back, and think reconciliatoin is "up in the air." I almost hope they get back together, so we can have another haterade clusterfuck when they divorce for the second time. Kardashimas? [Us, Daily Mail, TMZ]

Avril Lavigne got into a bar brawl at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel, causing step-Kardashian boyfriend Brody Jenner to "intervene" and have his "head split open with a bottle." Or, in the words of Avril, "I got attacked by five people last night out of nowhere. Not cool. My face is fucked. As in black eye, bloody nose, hair ripped out, scratches, bruises, and cuts. So not OK to be abusive to others." [TMZ]

Speaking of heads split open, Kelly Osbournealso "cracked open" her head this weekend. She went to the hospital and has since been released, but expect fourth-tier celebrities like AnnaLynne McCord to start splitting their heads open on purposes, now.[Us]

I know you were concerned, but Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have not broken up. Not until the result of his paternity test comes back, at least. (Kidding. He's totally not the dad. Probably.) [HollywoodLife]

Amid rumors that Kate Middleton might possibly maybe hopefully oh-please-god-say-yes be pregnant, the future Queen of England touched her belly with her hands. Time to play my favorite game: Pregnant, or just hungry? After Jessica Simpson shocked a nation by actually being pregnant, not just hungry, I no longer trust my gut (heh) on this, and turn the debate over to you, wise readers. [Us]