Normally I pay absolutely no attention to the “esteemed” L. Brent Bozell, head of an impotent organization with an important sounding name, the Media Research Council. Why you ask? Mainly because the “research” implied by the organization’s name seems to consist primarily of a Christian conservative, either Mr. Bozell himself or an underling. watching the media until they see something that morally upsets them. While I am sure our friend L. would love it if I compared his group to the Family Research Council or the American Family Association, I find the most fitting comparison is to Bill Donahue and the Catholic League, another group with an impressive sounding name that seems to exist only for its figurehead to untwist their knickers by writing an angry column consisting almost entirely of “rabble, rabble, rabble.” While, terrifyingly, the FRC and the AFA actually have power to shape the opinion and thought of their Christian conservative audience, I have a really hard time believing anyone not married or related to Donahue and Bozell take them even the least bit seriously. So ignore them I do.

For some strange reason, however, the “mainstream” media does seem to take them seriously at times. Media groups are constantly reaching out to Donahue for comments on stories affecting Catholics as if he has the authority to speak for any Catholic not named William Donahue. As for L. Brent Bozell, newspapers continue to publish his opinion columns even after he admitted that he doesn’t write the things, although perhaps he started to after that scandal broke.

So apparently if the “mainstream” media is taking L seriously, maybe I should as well. (I wonder what the “L” stands for anyways? I’m sure I could find out in less than a minute, but the mystery is so much more interesting. Is it “Limp?” “Lesbian?” “Lefty?” “Lucifer?” If you’re bored, leave your guess in the comments.) Conveniently (A word, for what it’s worth, I misspell more than any other. Definitely not convenient.) for my new “taking Lefty Brent Bozell seriously” plan, the Altoona Mirror, fishwrap of choice for all south-central Pennsyltuckians, published Limp Brent Bozell’s newest column this morning. Unfortunately for my new “taking Lucifer Brent Bozell seriously” plan, the content of the column aborted my new “take Lesbian Brent Bozell seriously” plan faster than a Planned Parenthood executive one baby liver away from a new Mercedes. * Since the Altoona Mirror has placed the majority of its articles behind a pay wall accessible only to subscribers, no doubt to combat the countless people attempting to pirate such a prestigious paper, I will link to Larry Brent Bozell’s column at ArcaMaxx instead.

Arrogant liberal journalists naturally assume that conservative talk radio only succeeds in making Americans dumber. They reach this conclusion by avoiding conservative talk radio entirely.

No, actually they reach this conclusion by listening to conservative talk radio.

The overwhelming majority would never dare appear on one of these shows and debate the conservative host.

I wonder why? I’m sure it couldn’t have anything to do with listening to prior liberals appearing on conservative talk radio and hearing the host shout over them, cut their mic, launch ad hominem attacks, insult them, refuse to let them respond, and hang up on them if all else fails. Surprises me to no end that the big name progressives aren’t lining up for the chance to be treated like shit.

If one of them ever entered the ring with Mark Levin, they’d invoke the “mercy rule” before the first commercial break.

And that, dear readers, is where my “take Lucinda Brent Bozell seriously” plan collapsed in flames. No, Lola Brent Bozell, you do not get to declare that your conservative heart throb would instantly win a debate with any liberal. That’s not serious commentary, that’s a literary blow job. Let’s follow along with some more of this fantasy hummer, shall we?

In recent years, Levin has matched a brainy talk show with a series of brilliant political books. The latest is called “Plunder and Deceit: Big Government’s Exploitation of Young People and the Future.” It’s a good bet that no liberal journalist will read it, no liberal newspaper will review it, and that no liberal network would imagine calling up Levin for an interview. They are too busy advocating tolerance and diversity.

I do have to give Lennon Brent Bozell some credit here for his absolute lack of a gag reflex.

Levin argues that the current ruling generation of statists — elected in part by millennial voters — are unraveling American civil society by undermining the country’s moral foundation and her economic footing. The central question of our time may be whether today’s young people still desire the founding vision of America with its constitutional limits on government, assisted by moral self-discipline, or whether we face a terminal moral and economic decline.

I can’t do it. I just can’t. This is basically, if you strip away the sloppy knob job, nothing but a man in black socks and shorts yelling at the neighborhood kids to get off his lawn. “Undermining the country’s moral foundation?” Really? I mean, I lasted past Lord Brent Bozo Bozell claiming Levin’s talk show was “brainy” and didn’t even call out the fact that Levin’s “brilliant” political book (first draft in crayon!) has a title that sounds like it came from Ann Coulter, but I have to draw the line somewhere. As this slob job continues, we find Leisure Suit Larry Brent Bozell citing the American Enterprise Institute as an unbiased source, taking random shots at the “liberal” media, and pointing out every mistake science makes as proof that climate change is a conspiracy. Here’s some more of this conservative porn:

The left pushes against economic freedom with dire prognostications of planetary doom. Levin cites Dr. Mark Perry, an economics professor at University of Michigan and a scholar for the American Enterprise Institute, who made a list of 18 “spectacularly wrong apocalyptic predictions” made by eco-leftists around the first Earth Day.

……

Our media are never embarrassed by these spectacularly failed predictions. Levin could write an entire book on this alone. To promote the leftist agenda, they ignore them and create an entirely new set of dire predictions.

Who is this Mark Levin anyway? I have to admit that I didn’t recognize the name. Perhaps he is a respected moderately conservative scholar that I have been unfairly damning by comparison with Lucid Brent Bozell? Let me Google him quick…..

Well, that one I agree with. They should be nailed down on issues such as climate change, raising the minimum wage, the militarization of the police, income inequality, and other issues poll after poll shows the American people care about. Somehow though, I do not think Mr. Levin would think those were fitting subjects to talk about. I think he probably means “if you are elected President, how soon until you slash taxes on those with higher incomes and bomb Iran?” *Shrug*

Alright, I’m closing in on 1500 words, I guess it’s time to wrap this one up. Am I missing anything….. Oh, of course! The Facial! Back to Lulz Brent Bozell’s literary fellatio for the ending we all deserve.

And they’d never dare debate Mark Levin.

Uh, Mr. Bozell? You have something on your face…..

*The asterisked sentence was edited by The Center for Medical Progress. The full, unedited text of the sentence follows:

“Unfortunately for my new “taking Lucifer Brent Bozell seriously” plan, the content of the column aborted my new “take Lesbian Brent Bozell seriously” plan faster than a Planned Parenthood employee would counsel a pregnant executive to examine all of her options, pointing out that terminating the pregnancy was only one of the possible choices, choices that also included placing the baby up for adoption, though the executive would need more tests since her liver enzyme count was not far away from a problematic number, before complimenting her on her new Mercedes.”

As you can see, the original sentence was long and ungainly. We wish to thank The Center for Medical Progress for their non-context changing editing job.

About the Author

Described as "intelligent but self-destructive," Foster Disbelief spent his twenties furiously attempting to waste his potential in a haze of religion and heroin. Science and atheism allowed him to escape his twin addictions and he now spends his days attempting to make the most of his three remaining brain cells.