Good morning everyone. Look! For the first time in this series I've shown up in good time and order for the start of a day's play. England fans will have to hope this is an omen. The only trouble is that it is so mind-numblingly nostril-achingly cold out there that I've arrived with my brain in a state of suspended animation.

If you're still in bed I can only say: 'lucky you', My advice? Do everything you can to stay exactly there. Any course of action that results in you having to get up from underneath that duvet today is, frankly, inhumane. Start thinking of get-out-of-work plan, quicksharp. Your boss will understand, and if he or she doesn't, tell them I gave you permission. If there's anyone out there reading this in some place colder than London, do let us know. We always like to hear from our readers, and nothing warms the cockles like a little schadenfreude.

The news from the toss is that Pakistan have won it, and chosen to bat first. Misbah says they have made one hokey-cokey sort of team change, with Aizaz Cheema coming back into the team instead of Junaid Khan, a direct reversal of the switch they made in the last Test. Strauss confirms that he too would have liked to have a bat and... drum roll please...

The big news is that there is no news. England have gone with the very same team that failed so dismally in the last match. "Consistency of selection is one of our philosophies," Strauss explains to Nasser, "if someone is going to get left out something really bad would have to happen," [I may have paraphrased that, but you get the gist, and anyway did he not see what happened in the last Test?] "and I still think we have six really good batsmen in the dressing room."

Both captains seem to think that the pitch is going to be a little easier to bat on that it was in the first Test, though old Iron Bottom says that he reckons it is a little drier than it was this time a fortnight ago.

Like I said, my brain is in suspended animation, though I'm currently trying to spark it into life with a cup of the vending machine's finest coffee-flavoured hot beverage. That must be why I am so completely baffled by this loosener from Gary Naylor: "I've spent a delightful night on the big white telephone calling Hughie and Ralph. Had I known that was coming, I'd have got drunk first to make it worth while. So it's a highly suspicious looking day off work for me that'll be spent mostly asleep, rather than watching Pakistan make 226-5." The "big white telephone to Hughie and Ralph"? What kind of euphemism is that? It's certainly not one I've ever heard Smyth deployed before.

Nasser is currently bowling a fierce little over to KP about his inability to play spin. He insists that his problem against left-arm-spin has been "made up by the media", and reels off a list of unconvincing statistics to prove his point (I've faced more balls from him (Rehman) than any other bowler in this series, and I am averaging 37 against him, so I am really not fussed." More interestingly, he goes on to point out how the DRS system has hindered his ability to play off the front-foot, which explains why he is no longer able to play spinners as he once did, back in the days when he used to cart Shane Warne down the ground for four and reverse-sweep Murali for six.

"I'm currently following from the big city of Brunswick, Maine," says Zohran Kwame Mamdani. "It's absolutely freezing here, and by my fahrenheit calculations, something like eight degrees colder than London, is that enough? I should be up and refreshing the page for the next few hours, or whenever my college newspaper's production finishes up, so crossing my fingers for a great Pakistan start. All that's missing is some BOOM BOOM."It's a good start, Zohran, and gives me some succour as I sit here shivering, but I wonder if anyone else can beat eight-degrees below London? Amen to the lack of Boom Boom though, even if his approach couldn't be more at odds with that of this particular Pakistan team. He will, I believe, be turning up for the ODIs. I'm looking forward to it already.

Here come the batsmen, strutting and stretching, ducking, bobbing and weaving as they walk to the wicket. It looks as though Jimmy Anderson will, as usual, take the first over.

1st over: Pakistan 1-0 (Mohammad Hafeez 1, Taufeeq Umar 0) A truly desultory rendition of Jerusalem rings out around the ground. It is, honestly, the single worst piece of singing I've heard in a long, long while. How excruciating. You'd struggle to script a sharper piece of satire on the state of the country than that snippet of song. Why is it that English sports fans are so tone-deaf and tin-eared? The Barmy Army should start recruiting a few Welshmen, if only to add a little lustre to their... hold on.

WICKET! Taufeeq 0 LBW Anderson (Pakistan 1-1) Well, where sis that come from? Taufeeq falls to the sixth ball of an innocuous opening over. He's out LBW to an inswinger, as if he was still rubbing the sleep from his eyes and easing into his day. Taufeeq considered reviewing it, but Hafeez persuaded him otherwise.

2nd over: Pakistan 7-1 (Mohammad Hafeez 7, Azhar Ali 0) Azhar is the new man in, but Hafeez is on strike for Broad's first over. Oh! He plays a truly woeful waft at the first ball, poking at it like he was pushing at it like he as a child prodding unwanted peas around his plate. He repeats that shot to the next ball and edges it straight to slip! The ball shoots between the 'keeper and the slip, where Strauss just gets his finger-tips to it. The ball bursts past him and runs away for four. Broad is furious that the chance was missed, and he only gets angrier when Hafeez edges the next delivery away for two more. They're not switched on at all. Given the application and determination with which their openers normally play which makes you wonder just how keyed up Pakistan are for this dead rubber match. They have made a terrible start here. As, it is now clear, has Gary Naylor. Thanks to Patrick Murphy for this translation of Gary's cryptic email: "I think Naylor has had his head down the dunnie, barfing."

3rd over: Pakistan 8-1 (Mohammad Hafeez 7, Azhar Ali 1) Ali nudges a single away square for his first run of the day. I like the cut of Khademul Islam's jib: "It's about 70 degrees here in Dhaka - T-shirt weather, and in fact, it's after 12:00 so maybe start on some Bombay gin and tonic. In further fact, first wicket gone, definitely time for the G&T." That takes me back, Khademul, to many long hot evenings at the Bhaga club during the last World Cup.

4th over: Pakistan 8-1 (Mohammad Hafeez 7, Azhar Ali 1) Broad has eight wickets at 22 apiece and a strike rate of 58, in this series so far. He has grown into an outstanding flat-track bowler. He's bowled a maiden here. I'll admit that for most of it my mind was pondering the question of exactly what the acceptable G&T watershed is in England when you're getting up at 5am.

5th over: Pakistan 8-1 (Mohammad Hafeez 7, Azhar Ali 1) Anderson works the ball this way and that, alternatively making it hold its line, and then angle in. Hafeez has settled down since his first-over histrionics, and is attempting nothing more ambitious than a forward defensive, but Anderson still has him playing and missing a couple of times in this over. "It's minus 17 outside here in Prague," Tim Noble tells me. If it's any consolation, Tim - and I'd be amazed if it is - that puts you top of our Schandefreude scoreboard.

6th over: Pakistan 8-1 (Mohammad Hafeez 7, Azhar Ali 1) England appeal for a catch off the inside edge. It looks good to me, but umpire Taufel shakes his head in refusal.

REFERRAL! Ali 1 c Prior b Broad (Pakistan 8-1) England have reviewed the catch, at Prior's insistence. And they are right to do so. Hotspot shows a clear inside edge, the umpire is wrong, and Azhar Ali is out.

WICKET! Azhar Ali c Prior b Broad (Pakistan 8-2) Well, what a lackadaisical sort of start by Pakistan. Ali was caught off the inside edge, the ball slipping through the gate between bat and pad. The truth is that England's bowlers have been, well, OK. They've held a line and length and haven't bowled anything too loose, but it is hard to avoid the feeling that the Pakistani's minds are elsewhere. Younus is the new man in, and he plays across the line of his very first ball. Broad appeals for an LBW, but if anything the ball was just sliding down the leg side.

7th over: Pakistan 14-2 (Mohammad Hafeez 11, Younus Khan 0) That's a lovely shot, the first of the day: Hafeez pushes a dainty little drive out to long-off for two runs. He has grown into a hell of a player under Misbah's captaincy. In the last 12 months, across all three forms of the game, he has scored 1879 runs at an average of 39.97 (including 772 at 48.25 in Test matches) and taken 58 wickets at 21.5 each. Tim Noble's lead lasted about as long as Taufeeq Umar's innings. "A bright and brisk minus 19 here in Tallinn this morning," says Robin Hazlehurst. "An improvement on the last couple of days. Last night's couple of inches of snow seem to have warmed things up. I'm a little concerned that tomorrow evening is forecast for minus 32, so staggering home from watching the Calcutta Cup in the pub could be fun. Oh to be in mild and balmy England..."

8th over: Pakistan 18-2 (Mohammad Hafeez 11, Younus Khan 4) Younus' first runs come with a four, but two balls later he has to endure a raucous appeal for a catch behind off the outside edge. Stuart Broad is convinced it is out, but no one else agrees.

WICKET! Younus Khan 4 c Prior b Broad (Pakistan 18-3) No one is disagreeing with Broad on this one though. That was a truly dismal shot for any sort of batsman, never mind one of Younsus' quality. The delivery was short and wide, rearing up off the pitch. He threw his bat at the ball in an approximation of a drive, and it flew off the outside edge. Prior took a good catch high up to his right.

9th over: Pakistan 21-3 (Mohammad Hafeez 13, Misbah-ul-Haq 1) I assume the captain is going to more appetite for this match than his crew. "I work on the theory that if the average person rises at 7.15am and lunchtime aperitifs are served at around 1pm, you should be able to have a snifter at 11 o'clock or so," says the ghost of Oliver Reed Phil Withall. "This is the excuse I use getting up at 4.30 every morning. Although it can make work difficult in the late morning."

10th over: Pakistan 21-3 (Mohammad Hafeez 13, Misbah-ul-Haq 1) "Can't beat eight below," writes Tony Whitely, and can't you just sense the self-satisfaction oozing out of his words? "Sitting in my home on the South Seas island of Espiritu Santo and it is just a comfortable 25 degrees. Thinking of you though - with sympathy if that helps." Tony, you swine, I think I just threw up a little bile in the back of my mouth.

REFERRAL! Hafeez 13 LBW Broad England think they have Hafeez here, though the umpire thinks there was a little inside edge before the ball hit the pads. It certainly pitched in line and would have gone on to hit the wicket, so the only question is whether there was any bat on it. And the answer is...

WICKET! Hafeez 13 LBW Broad (Pakistan 21-4) Hafeez isn't happy with this at all, and as he walks off he slaps his bat into the palm of his glove in a a kind of sarcastic ovation for the umpire. He clearly believes he got an inside edge on it, but in this case the third umpire seems to think there wasn't any proof that he did. Hotspot, which is a very erratic tool, didn't show anything. I think Hafeez may have been hard done by here. As Nasser points out - actually, now we are looking for a second time perhaps Hotspot does seem to show the faintest glimmer of a white mark as the ball passes the bat. That is, to be frank, a poor piece of umpiring.

REFERRAL! Misbah 1 LBW Anderson (Pakistan 21-5) Oh Pakistan! There's no doubt about this one, and Misbah has been given out, but he has decided to review it all the same, simply to postpone the inevitable.

WICKET! Misbah 1 LBW Anderson (Pakistan 21-5) This is absolutely diabolical batting from Pakistan. Misbah threw a straight drive at a full ball, missed it, and was hit on the pad in front of middle stump. That's drinks, ending one of the most curious little sessions of Test cricket I can recall. England have bowled competently, and Pakistan have batted as though they'd rather be on the beach. Frankly it feels, as Rob would say, as if they couldn't give a flying one.

12th over: Pakistan 23-5 (Asad Shafiq 1 Adnan Akmal 0) Pakistan's lowest total in Test cricket is 53, made against Australia in Sharjah in 2002. Their second-lowest is 59, which was made in the other innings in that exact same match. It was, it is safe to say, one of the single most feckless and pathetic performances in the history of Test cricket. They are a long way off being halfway to making that many again today. "Here in Amsterdam it's -6 degrees, colder than your neck of the woods," writes Faryal Haque. "Taking your advice from early on, I'm staying right at home and not even getting out of my white jammies in honour of the occcasion (Pakistan setting the stage for a 3-0 whitewash). So they had better. Consequently, I'll be missing my Economic Methodology exam due in a couple of hours, but hey! Life's about choices, right? I've made mine. Don't judge." Judge? On the OBO? Have you seen our bylinephotos?

13th over: Pakistan 24-5 (Asad Shafiq 1 Adnan Akmal 2) "On current form we can expect England to be 12-6 early on in their first innings," says John Woodberry, with the kind of cheery confidence that has become our trademark here on the OBO over the years.

14th over: Pakistan 24-5 (Asad Shafiq 1 Adnan Akmal 2) The first bowling change brings Monty Panesar into the attack. We're going to have to have a tricky discussion about this innings as we try to decide where the credit lies. There are going to be a lot of people waking up and loggin on to check the scores sometime in the next hour who are going to look at that scoreline and think 'eh?', so we'd better get our story straight. "Bumble is talking rubbish," thunders Steve Churnin. "Let's not be revisionist here, Pakistan did not dominate for two tests, or win the series "hands down". We were rolled over for 72 with an abject performance, but otherwise we dominated the second Test. Also, were England batting like they didn't want to be there when Pakistan's spinners were ripping through us? The pitch is doing a little bit, that's enough for our seamers to go through them." I can't quite agree Steve. The ball has done a little, yes, and the seamers have bowled as well as we have come to expect, but there is no doubt that Pakistan's batsmen haven't shown any of the grit and resolution that helped them eke out scores in the first two Tests.

15th over: Pakistan 34-5 (Asad Shafiq 9 Adnan Akmal 4) At last, a shot or two worthy of the name as Shafiq clips two to square leg and flicks three out to mid-wicket. Later in the over Morgan misses a run-out chance with a throw from square of the wicket. If he had hit, Akmal would have been out by ten yards and more. Jimmy seems very unhappy at that. He may just be starting to flag after his eight overs in a row.

16th over: Pakistan 35-5 (Asad Shafiq 9 Adnan Akmal 5) Broad's spell, by the way, was 6-3-12-3. There is some steep bounce for Monty. "Sorry about the edge of smugness earlier," says Tony Whitley [really no need to apologise old stick, I was only pulling your leg] "but it's all relative right? I mean - its lovely here and I know I sound like Ben Gunn but ooooh for a Melton Mowbray pork pie and a pickled onion! Or do they only exist in my dreams?"

17th over: Pakistan 39-5 (Asad Shafiq 12 Adnan Akmal 6) Broad is coming back into the attack from the other end now, replacing Anderson. Akmal squeezes a single past third slip. Now we've got just a little time between wickets, it's worth returning to that DRS decision that did for Hafeez earlier today. The on-field decision seemed to be over-turned on the grounds that there wasn't enough evidence to prove that he got an inside edge on the ball, which seems a little counter-intuitive in itself. Worse still, repeated viewings of hotspot showed that there was, actually, a little white mark on the edge of the bat. The TV umpire is Shavir Tarapore is only standing in his fourth Test.

21st over: Pakistan 44-6 (Asad Shafiq 16 Abdur Rehman 1) "-17 degrees here in Chemnitz (formerly Karl Marx Stadt)," writes Olaf. "Just a couple of weeks ago people were saying that there may not be a proper winter at all this year but I am no longer so sure. It's one of those days where cycling downhill is worse than uphill, as I am getting ready to do the former on my way to the rail station." Broad has four wickets for 17 now, and his career bowling avergae is 30.66, which is as low as it has ever been. He's bowling around the wicket to Rehman.

WICKET! Rehman 1 c Pietersen b Swann (Pakistan 44-7) Abject doesn't really do this justice. Swann comes on, and Rehman slaps a catch to mid-off as he tries to launch a six down the ground. Take a bow that man, that was a truly heroic piece of ineptitude.

22nd over: Pakistan 44-7 (Asad Shafiq 16, Saeed Ajmal 0) This has been one of the sorriest sessions of Test match batting we've seen since, well, the last session of Test match batting we saw, when England were 72 all out. "Talinn may be cold," says Charles Antaki, and can'tt you just sense the 'but' coming.. "but here in Helsinki, it's *very* cold. Minus 22 centigrade today. Of course the locals think nothing of it, and when I complain they say (as locals do worldwide, about any sort of weather) ' you should have seen it last year')."

23rd over: Pakistan 46-7 (Asad Shafiq 17, Saeed Ajmal 0) Sky are just running through all the wickets, which is most welcome seeing as I'm in a daze and this morning has been a bit of a blur. Recapping, it's clear that Broad has bowled some lovely stuff - the delivery to get Misbah, in particular, was a jaffa - but otherwise the blame lies with the batsmen. "Re: Charles Antaki in Helsinki," scoffs David Cowling. "It's typical of those soft shandy drinking (Finnish) southerners complaining about a bit of cold. It's -28C here in Oulu (North Finland) today and I still cycled to work this morning. Although I must admit my left eye almost froze shut at one point."

24th over: Pakistan 46-7 (Asad Shafiq 17, Saeed Ajmal 0) Swann comes off again, after just a single over. I'd be surprised if he gets another before the innings is over, so he may finish with the binary figures of 1-0-1-0. Anderson replaces him, and Ajmal plays out a maiden.

25th over: Pakistan 48-7 (Asad Shafiq 20, Saeed Ajmal 0) Shafiq whips another drive out to mid-wicket, and is then beaten outside off-stump, twice in succession. He tried to play the first with a dead straight bat, and threw a wild drive at the second, the result was the same on both occasions. "I'm on the train up to the smoke from Hastings," writes Joel Greig. "However, the heating system aboard is most strange: there is a vent just above waist height which means my nipples are about the warmest they've ever been while my toes have very nearly ceased to exist. These modern trains, eh? What happened to slam doors and smoking carriages?"

26th over: Pakistan 53-7 (Asad Shafiq 24, Saeed Ajmal 1) The last over of an extraordinary session. Ajmal, unlike a few of his teammates, is at least trying his hardest to stay at the crease. He blocks the balls he has to play, and leaves the balls he doesn't. Well, as I type that he's just smeared a drive to cover, but still... at least he hasn't done a Rehman. And as I type that, he hops up on his tiptoes and swats a pull away square for a single. Shafiq ends the morning with a cracking cut shot for four past point. That's the only good shot Pakistan have played to the off-side all morning. It is also only their third boundary of the day. It means that whatever happens this afternoon, Pakistan have avoided the ignominy of being bowled out for their lowest-ever Test score.

And that, ladies and gents, is lunch. Rob Smyth will be here, chuckling and gurgling in amusement, from 8.30am or so. Send your emails to him now please, on rob.smyth@guardian.co.uk.

LUNCH

Morning. Well I'll be dipped in dog doo. As I quivered into work around 7am, on a morning so cold that even the witches' bits were complaining, I assumed Pakistan had gone after the new ball in their usual style and were nought for nought after 11 overs. Instead they were 21 for five, then 44 for seven, and then 53 for seven for lunch.

Jimmy Anderson and Stuart Broad have been beyond reproach all series, and this morning they bowled majestically on a pitch that just did enough to reduce the hardness of the yakka. Mind you, they were aided by some miserable batting from a Pakistan side who looked like they were playing a dead rubber. It's a good job it wasn't Pakistan collapsing like that or people really wou- oh.

It's certainly not a dead rubber for England. Not so much because they are playing for pride – that, like dignity, T'Pau and the physical act of love, has always been overrated – but because they need to win to ensure they will be No1 in the Test rankings going into the first Test in Sri Lanka next month. England's batsmen will have to work devilishly hard to lose the match from here.

27th over: Pakistan 53-7 (Shafiq 24, Ajmal 1) Stuart Broad (11-4-21-4) will start after lunch. At the start of the India series his bowling average was 36.25; now it is at a career-best 30.70 and only going in one direction. It almost drops to 30.49 from the first two balls of the session; the first jags back to cut Ajmal in half, and the second, deliberately fuller and wider, shapes past the windiest of woofs from Ajmal. An excellent maiden. "We are enjoying a rather balmy minus 23 here in Moscow," says Geoff Saunders. "It was seriously cold two days ago." What are the options for a fashionable gentleman, or an OBO writer/reader, in this weather? Life, alas, can't always be about string vests and thrillingly tight hot pants. We all know that this is the greatest hat ever, but what about gloves? Scarves? Scented woollen undergarments?

28th over: Pakistan 57-7 (Shafiq 28, Ajmal 1) Monty Panesar is on, primarily because there are two right-handers at the crease. Sky have just shown a great statistic. In Tests, Panesar averages 55.55 to left-handers and 28.15 to right-handers, whereas Graeme Swann averages 21.56 against left-handewrs and 35.59 to right-handers. Shafiq cuts a loose ball for four in an otherwise good over. In other news, Bull has wafted this under my nose. I don't know what to say. "The ECB have confirmed a Daily Mirror story that they have made 'an approach' to Kate Middleton asking her to become the patron of Englishcricket. "The Duchess of Cambridge already has one cricketing connection – her sister Pippa Middleton's recently ended relationship with former England all-rounder Alex Loudon."

29th over: Pakistan 58-7 (Shafiq 28, Ajmal 2) Broad raps Ajmal in the special place, breaking his box in the process. "Hit him on the back leg..." euphemises Ramiz Raja. "Cue the David Lloyd/Jeff Thomson story," adds Nasser Hussain. Usually in this situation everyone but the batsman finds it hilarious, but Ajmal is one of life's happiest characters and even he is laughing as the physio runs on with a new box. Then the pain kicks in again and he starts wincing once more. He is a joyously eccentric character. "Very cold in Riga today -24 c brrrr," winces Lee Chalkly. Yes, caught by Brrrr, but who was the bowler? Sorry, that's dismal. I blame the weather.

30th over: Pakistan 59-7 (Shafiq 28, Ajmal 3) Ajmal misses a mow at a flighted delivery from Panesar that turns and bounces nastily. England aren't going to enjoy batting against the spinners on this. I don't think this game is over, you know. Ajmal takes a single from the last ball. He is monopolising this partnership and has taken 33 of the 51 deliveries. "I've no idea of the actual temperature in west London," says Kat Petersen, "but a good indication that it's TOO DAMN COLD is the fact that I closely resemble Adnan Akmal in shape when I am fully dressed."

31st over: Pakistan 61-7 (Shafiq 28, Ajmal 5) This is what spending your adolescence with English cricket does to you. Pakistan have added 15 for the eighth wicket, a couple of balls have turned, and I'm finding odds of 11-2 on a Pakistan win increasingly irresistible. Broad seams a good one past Ajmal's outside edge. He has bowled exceptionally this morning, and all tour. But it doesn't matter if he finishes this innings with a hat-trick; it's over, Pakistan are going to win. Ajmal increases Pakistan's eventual victory margin by two with an airy hook that just evades Pietersen at deep square leg. He didn't pick the ball up properly. "Kate Middleton's obvious cricket credentials must mean that, by cooking Dean Headley chili in a Stourbridge pub twenty years ago I am amply qualified to be her assistant," says Phil Withall. "I look forward to the ECB invitation."

32nd over: Pakistan 64-7 (Shafiq 29, Ajmal 7) Ajmal smears Panesar for two to long off, where Swann fields with his feet. This is now the best partnership of the innings, a mighty 20. "At more or less the same ages," says Gary Naylor, "Broad has over twice as many Test wickets as did Glenn McGrath." Good spot. With him making our lives a complete misery for a decade, it's easier to forget that McGrath had a modest start to his Test career and was dropped during the 1994-95 Ashes.

33rd over: Pakistan 69-7 (Shafiq 30, Ajmal 11) Ajmal drags a pull round the corner for four off Broad, a smart shot. He's a brilliantly irritating batsman. Bull is cackling away at my conviction that England will lose this. I'm serious. I've never been more serious about anything in my life. Except maybe that time I wrote the lyrics of Creep on my folder at school. Look, I was a teenager. Plus England had just been bowled out for 46.

34th over: Pakistan 70-7 (Shafiq 31, Ajmal 11) Shafiq is making no attempt to monopolise the strike and drives a single to long off from Panesar's third delivery. Ajmal is comfortable for the remainder of the over. "c Brrr b Snow surely?" says Gary Naylor.

35th over: Pakistan 77-7 (Shafiq 37, Ajmal 12) A misfield from Morgan gives Ajmal a single, and Shafiq compounds Broad's radge by swivel-pulling the next ball superbly for four. Broad boots the ground in disgust and then walks off the field in a hot funk. He knows. We all know. Pakistan are down to 4-1 to win. If I were a bookie I'd be paying out already. "Monopolising is a bit strong," says James McVey. "He'd taken 33 of 51 deliveries. That's 64 per cent (the same mark I got in my Maths degree). Not sure I really monopolised that." It's a fair cop.

WICKET! Pakistan 78-8 (Ajmal LBW b Panesar 12) Monty Panesar gets his first wicket, and it's an increasingly familiar dismissal: LBW as the batsman pushes around a delivery that straightens just enough to hit the pad in line. Simon Taufel gave it out, and I doubt Ajmal would have reviewed the decision even if Pakistan had any left.

36th over: Pakistan 78-8 (Shafiq 38, Gul 0) That was a useful partnership of 34 in 14.1 overs. "Fret no more because I'm happy to break down for you exactly what's going to happen," says David Horn. "Pakistan will creep up to 110 all out. Strauss and Cook will plod along, reaching 56-0, but a couple of wickets before the close will leave us at 78-2. Tomorrow, we'll reach 190 (well played Matt Prior with a backs to the wall half century). Our 80 run lead looks like being enough as we reduce Pakistan to 89-5. However, thanks to an unbeaten century from Misbah, Pakistan reach a highly credible 245 all out. Setting us 165 for the win. Which we don't get. Sorry to ruin the suspense, but hopefully I've saved you three and a half days of worry."

37th over: Pakistan 80-8 (Shafiq 40, Gul 0) Anderson replaces Broad, and Shafiq inside edges a flail onto the pad and just wide of leg stump. Across the office, Sean Ingle wonders which batsmen and bowlers would have suffered/benefited from DRS. Ramadhin? Robin Smith? Qadir? Bull says Kumble, which is a great call. I wonder how many times Peter May and Colin Cowdrey would have been DRSed in that legendary 411-run stand in 1957. "Proper cold weather like this demands the wearing of a sheep," says Ian Copestake. "Forgo thoughts of fashion and just step inside that ass, Larry."

38th over: Pakistan 80-8 (Shafiq 40, Gul 0) A maiden from Panesar to Gul. None of the deliveries were flighted, which is a bit of a surprise as Gul will surely be unable to resist a swipe if it goes above his eyeline.

39th over: Pakistan 85-8 (Shafiq 45, Gul 0) Shafiq edges a beautiful awayseamer from Anderson right through the vacant third-slip area at catchable height. He gets two for that, and three more later in the over with a vigorous cover drive. He has played really well in the last two Tests. "I think that I've found he ultimate OBO cold weather headgear," says Ant Pease. "http://beardbeanie.com/ has all the sartorial elegance which one would expect from the OBOer, and has the added bonus of being Flett-friendly." Oh dear lord what the hell is that? Even Nathan Barley wouldn't wear one. Hang on, $46? And one of them's sold out! This world isn't going to hell; it's going to Hoxton.

WICKET! Pakistan 85-9 (Shafiq LBW b Panesar 45) Ah this is excellent bowling from Monty Panesar, a quicker arm ball that trapped Shafiq plumb in front as he tried to make room to cut. The ball hit the pad a split-second before the bat, and Simon Taufel raised the finger for yet another LBW b spinner in this series.

40th over: Pakistan 85-9 (Gul 0, Cheema 0) "Monty doesn't do flight," says Mike Selvey. "It is why he is a better bowler . He has stopped listening to people who want him to be something he is not." And apologies to Selve for rambling on about DRS and the past when he had already covered it here. I've been offline and haven't read a paper all week. I do normally read the Guardian. Honest. Certainly on days when the local paper shop is out of The Sun, The Star, The Sport and the East Kent Gazette.

REVIEW! Pakistan 86-9 (Gul not out 0) Gul pushes around a full delivery from Anderson, prompting a huge shout for LBW. It looked really good, but Steve Davis thought it was going down the leg side. England went for the review, which showed that approximately 49.99 per cent of the ball was hitting leg stump. That means we stay with the umpire's call of not out.

41st over: Pakistan 86-9 (Gul 0, Cheema 0) That was the last ball of the over.

42nd over: Pakistan 95-9 (Gul 9, Cheema 0) Gul mows Monty over long on for a huge six, and then pushes three more through midwicket "The best way to protect the beard in cold weather is not with slightly silly headwear but by regular immersion on beer. The Beard Liberation Front is however currently divided over whether the beer in question should be cask or craft keg says BLF organiser Keith Flett," writes Keith Flett.

43rd over: Pakistan 99-9 (Gul 13, Cheema 0) Gul turns down a single off Anderson, tickles a slower ball to fine leg for four and then just manages to dig out a superb yorker. Pakistan are 99 for nine and all I can think about is England losing. Nurse! The Wisdens! "Can we have less moaning about the weather please?" says Andy Plowright. "It's positively balmy here in Manchester and I want to enjoy this unseasonably warm weather. Anyone for Pimm's?"

44th over: Pakistan 99-9 (Gul 13, Cheema 0) Panesar has a slip, gully and short leg for Cheema, who defends carefully. A maiden. "This is an exceptional find from Timothy Beecroft (unless he's made the whole thing up; I haven't had chance to check). "Stone the crows," says Timothy. "An episode of Hancock's Half Hour from 1956 with guest appearances by Colin Cowdrey, Frank Tyson, Godfrey Evans and John Arlott, featuring Sid James as Chairman of the MCC and a plot based on match fixing."

WICKET! Pakistan 99 all out (Gul b Anderson 13) That's the end of that. Gul smears across the line at Anderson and gets an inside edge onto the stumps. So Pakistan are all out for 99, their fourth double-figure score in Tests against England in the last 18 months. Anderson and Broad were again outstanding, with combined figures of 30.1-8-71-7. See you in 10 minutes for England's soul-crushing colla reply.

1st over: England 4-0 (in reply to Pakistan's 99 all out; Strauss 4, Cook 0) We've seen this storyline played out so many times before. Opening batsman (Strauss) leaves a few deliveries in the first over; opening bowler (Umar Gul) straightens his line, overcompensates and is tucked fine for four. "Can Statsguru tell us how many emails and letters Keith Flett has sent to newpapers/magazines/blogs?" says Steve Hudson. "If not, it bloody well should do." I don't know about Keith, but when I typed Gary Naylor into Statsguru this happened.

2nd over: England 5-0 (in reply to Pakistan's 99 all out; Strauss 4, Cook 1) Cook survives a huge shout for LBW first ball. It was a good delivery from Cheema that straightened, but it almost certainly pitched outside leg and Pakistan decide not to review. Replays showed it pitched well outside leg, and that was good, calm umpiring from Simon Taufel. He could have lost himself in the moment; instead he simply said 'not out'. There's a strangled shout against Strauss later in the over, with the ball again pitching outside leg. A sharp first over from Cheema. "Continuing the very cold theme, yes it's freezing here (-21 in Helsinki), but what better way to warm up than to get down to Merihaka (near Hakaniemi) tonight for some real cricket and to watch the clash that sets brother against brother, father against son as Empire CC Helsinki 1 take on Empire CC Helsinki 2 in the winter indoor league," says Gavin Coyle. "There's a bar if that helps?"

WICKET! England 5-1 (Cook c Akmal b Gul 1) Pakistan's inexorable march to victory continues with a fine catch from Adnan Akmal. Cook fenced with a crooked bat at a shortish delivery that moved away off the seam, and little Adnan Akmal dived in front of first slip to take a lovely two-handed catch. Cook will be annoyed with what was a pretty poor shot, certainly for someone who usually leaves bowlers to death.

3rd over: England 6-1 (in reply to Pakistan's 99 all out; Strauss 4, Trott 1) "Can I suggest that "Monty you beauty!" is Mark Nicholas's greatest contribution to society?" says Toby Blake. " It goes through my head every time Panesar takes a wicket (sometimes I even say it out loud) and can be used with no irony, unlike "Crikey O'Reilly" or "Sixer!" which are classic Partridge." You can't ignore 'Hello.... massive!', which was just wonderful, but I think my favourite Mark Nicholas commentary came during the World Cup, when Pakistan ran through the West Indies in the quarter-final. As another wicket fell, the seventh I think, and West Indies were being consumed by Pakistan's force, he said simply: 'This is Pakistan!'

4th over: England 7-1 (in reply to Pakistan's 99 all out; Strauss 4, Trott 2) Trott takes a quick single to midwicket. Phil Rhodes asks what is the lowest combined total for first innings in a Test. India and New Zealand were both dismissed for double figures at Hamilton in 2002-03. I think that's the only time that has happened. But that wasn't the lowest combined total – here's the full list. No, England aren't going to break that record today. "Just before getting Cook's wicket Umar Gul, according to TMS, looked at Cook 'lingeringly'," says John Starbuck. "I know Cookie's supposed to be handsome, but is this a new tactic against him?" Does that count as sexual disintegration? What would Steve Waugh make of that?

WICKET! England 7-2 (Trott LBW b Gul 2) Dear oh dear oh bloody effing dear. Jonathan Trott's strength becomes a weakness as he misses that trademark whip to leg and is trapped in front by a full delivery from Umar Gul. It was leg side-ish, but I doubt it would have been overturned as it was surely skimming leg stump. It was smart bowling from Gul, in the you-miss-I'll-hit sense, but Trott would put that away 49 times out of 50, maybe 99 times out of 100. England's batsmen are starting to look mentally shot.

5th over: England 8-2 (in reply to Pakistan's 99 all out; Strauss 5, Pietersen 1) It gets worse. Replays have shown the ball was missing leg stump, so if Trott had reviewed the decision he would have survived. I think he was considering a review and was advised against it by Andrew Strauss.

6th over: England 12-2 (in reply to Pakistan's 99 all out; Strauss 5, Pietersen 3) Pietersen defends aggressively against Cheema and then works one off the hip for two. It would be preposterous to announce after only five deliveries that he looks in the mood, so that's exactly what I'm going to do. Inevitably, he had a grotesque mow at the next delivery and is beaten by a nip-backer. "By far my favourite bit of Mark Nicholas commentary came some years back when Harmison was bowling," says Jonathan Macson. "He'd lined up the batsmen with a few short deliveries then lured him into snicking one behind. Nicholas's comment was a straightforward: 'Stephen Harmison is an excellent performer!' Brilliant." To my right, Paul Doyle is leafing through a 1972 book with a description of each England international footballer. One is described as having "manifest virtues". Wonderful. Why don't people write like that any more?

7th over: England 12-2 (in reply to Pakistan's 99 all out; Strauss 5, Pietersen 3) It's easy to forgot how good the starter was if you subsequently have the Hawksmoor ribeye, and that's been the case with Umar Gul in this series. He has bowled superbly at times, but his contributions tend to be forgotten because of what happens once the spinners come on. That's another accurate maiden to the becalmed Strauss, and now Saeed Ajmal will bowl the last over before tea. "Re Mark Nicholas' moments of commentary, none are quite as good as Tony Lewis commentating on a big six from King Viv," says Tony Lewis. "It's in the air... it's still in the air'" Witty and informative and timed as beautifully as the shot."

8th over: England 19-2 (in reply to Pakistan's 99 all out; Strauss 9, Pietersen 6) Despite Ajmal's manifest virtues, England avoid further damage in the final over before tea. In fact Pietersen, who is certainly looking more positive, rocks back to club a short delivery through the covers for three. The next ball is also short, and Strauss back cuts for his second boundary. So that's tea, on a fascinating and slightly surreal day's play that has thus far brought 118 runs for the loss of 12 wickets. Thanks for your emails. Andy will be with you after tea; he's on andy.bull@guardian.co.uk. See you tomorrow.

TEA

Good afternoon all. What an intriguing Test this is turning into, already. "Over today?" asks Michael Edwards. "T20 is beginning to look like the longer format of the game." Speaking of which, over in Melbourne it looks like India might finally win a match.

A little something for the Tea break. Why don't more things in life come with that kind of jaunty soundtrack?

I seem to have blundered into some sort of Mark Nicholas riff. "Thanks to his commentary on one of my favourite dismissals of all time," says Will Scott. "I have Mark Nicholas' voice pop into my head every time I'm confronted with something marvellous or delicious, e.g. "Ohhhh Will Scott! With a pie! One of the great pies."

That little film is ostensibly quite thrilling, but then, as you watch it again and again and again it becomes more and more depressing. It's the little details: the moronic commentary, the toaster in the crowd wearing a green-and-gold sombrero, the robotic dancers, the way Warner spins on his heel as he admires the shot. Oh cricket! What's happened to you? As Smyth says: "I want none of that." It certainly makes a neat companion piece with that Pathé clip from a couple of entries ago.

Here's Paul Wakefield: "Strauss' pre-match comment that there are 6 really good batsmen in the England dressing room is true, it's just unfortunate that two of them are Gooch and Flower..." Pithy.

9th over: England 24-2 (Strauss 12, Pietersen 8) Umar Gul starts the attack after Tea. This is going to be - excuse the cliché - a crucial session. If they can bat through it, England will be in charge of the game. If they can't, then you'd have to say that they will be sailing perilously close to the prospect of a whitewash. Both of these batsmen seem to have resolved to attack the bowling, three singles come from the first three balls, and Strauss cracks a cut away for a couple more off the fourth.

10th over: England 28-2 (Strauss 12, Pietersen 12) Cheema starts at the other end. He's sticking to a line wide of off-stump, which Pietersen is refusing to play at. Until, that is, Cheema throws up a slightly fuller ball. KP leaps on that and drives it through long-off for four. "I like Andrew Strauss - I even heart him occasionally," writes Mrs Strauss, sorry, Martin Sinclair. "But I also am fully expecting him to score a few runs, look settled, then get out somewhere near his 30s. That seems to happen too often at the moment. Now would be a great time for him to show how little I know about cricket and to bat us into a decent first innings lead. After all, wecan't always rely on Prior & Broad to get us out of trouble, can we? (Yes, I know I glossed over our middle order, but the Pakistani bowlers seem to do that pretty well as well.)" Like the Russian steppe, the skipper's barren run seems to stretch on and on and on. He has scored one Test century in the last 30 months.

11th over: England 30-2 (Strauss 12, Pietersen 14) Pietersen is in rambunctious mood, and no mistake. I wonder if he is still feeling riled by the working over he got from Nasser in their pre-match interview. He pops up on his tip-toes and clatters a pull to backward square leg for a single. Strauss then tries to do something similar, but gets himself in a terrible tangle and is lucky to end up missing the ball altogether. England now trail by 69.

12th over: England 33-2 (Strauss 13, Pietersen 15) Enough of all this, says Misbah, as he yanks Cheema out of the attack and brings on Saeed Ajmal. "Thanks very much for the Warner clip, but what sort of an example are you trying to set for the youngsters out there?" asks Stuart Wilson. "In my long and illustrious 3rd team (out of 3) cricket career I never once span on my heel after thumping a six like that (NB: I only ever hit one six, the one time that the bowler was good enough to bowl at the middle of my wildly swiping bat). Cricket is a gentleman's game and this sort of pyjama clad, music fuelled tomfoolery must stop. I am personally not in favour of bringing cricket to the masses, it is a game to be enjoyed by social outcasts such as one may find on the OBO. The only way to redress the balance is to visit an early season CC match and sit in the mizzle with the four other fans and grumble." Quite. But those dancers. Really? And those sombreros? Really? And that commentary? Really?

13th over: England 49-2 (Strauss 20, Pietersen 25) Lovely shot from Strauss! A crisp, clean cut shot for four past point. Later in the over, he pushes a straight drive down the ground for two more. He's looking happy enough batting against Umar Gul, as is KP, who comes forward and thumps a straight drive down the ground for four. And that's even better! He whips the next ball away for four through mid-wicket. That's 16 runs from the over, and I wouldn't be surprised to see Misbah bring on another spinner before much longer. "I remember Richie Benaud commenting on an England game in the BBC era, (ie: those halcyon days when coverage started as the batsmen walked out and there wasn't two hours of guff beforehand and endless stats about how many runs a particular batsmen had scored against bowlers educated at public school vs those from a comprehensive)," muses James Butler through his rose-tinted specs. "It was a boiling hot day and the camera lingered on a very large shirtless chap in the crowd slabbering his pasty torso in suncream. Benaud said nothing for a few seconds, letting the audience absorb the scene, but you could sense he was gathering himself: 'It's hot out there and good to see people using sunscreen...although it might be rather expensive for that particular gentleman'."

14th over: England 50-2 (Strauss 21, Pietersen 25) And so it goes. Here is Abdur Rehman. Strauss knocks a single away, leaving Pietersen to face his bogeyman. He plays a series of assiduous forward defensives.

15th over: England 52-2 (Strauss 23, Pietersen 25) Ajmal has switched ends, replacing Gul. Strauss survives the over easily enough. "Re Stuart Wilson's point – why would it necessarily have to be an early season CC match?" wonders Paul Billington. "Why not really redress the balance by sitting there with the other four people at the height of summer, whilst everyone else is choosing to sit in mizzle-y beer gardens."

16th over: England 58-2 (Strauss 24, Pietersen 30) Pietersen looks so wary when he is playing Rehman, and plays a series of three forward defensives before he allows himself an attacking shot for a single. Strauss puts his partner right back on strike, and KP then unfurls a slog-sweep, walloping the ball away square for four.

17th over: England 61-2 (Strauss 27, Pietersen 30) These two are - Smyth's stats suggest - not natural batting partners. Of all the England pairs with more than 500 runs, they have the second-lowest average, and this partnership of 51 is on their highest in four years. "Surely," says Henry Frost, "there was nothing more irritating than seeing the English attack bullied to all corners of the ground with Nicholas swooning: 'Oh Matthew Hayden, you are strong. You are so so strong...'"

18th over: England 62-2 (Strauss 28, Pietersen 30) Strauss is beaten by Rehman two times in a row. Rehman is really pushing the ball through quickly, and Strauss is happy to get off strike with a single. "The old BBC coverage was staggering in it's ineptitude at filling rain breaks," reminisces Lee Calvert. "One particularly maladroit episode that sticks in my mind wasTony Lewis asking Geoff Boycott what music he likes, to which Boycs responded 'Calypso, but only really when in the Caribbean'. They both giggled nervously then went silent for about six seconds casting sideways glances at each other. It really was television of the highest order." Nothing, surely, will ever beat the pairing of Manish Bhasin with Boycott during the BBC's highlights of the 2007 world cup.

19th over: England 64-2 (Strauss 28, Pietersen 32) Ajmal races through another over, which I will gloss over because...

REFERRAL! Pietersen 32 LBW Rehman Pietersen is a goner, here, surely. But that's not going to stop him reviewing it.

WICKET! Pietersen 32 LBW Rehman (England 64-3) Off he goes, done by the left-arm-spinner again. The review showed the ball would have gone on to trim the leg-stump. He was half-forward, trying to block the ball, but it didn't spin, went straight on and hit him in front of middle. He's furious, seething, and walks off shaking his head. Worse still, he's still doing it as he sits on the pavilion balcony minutes later.

21st over: England 64-3 (Strauss 28 Bell 0) Pietersen is absolutely furious. He's still going, red in the face and chuntering at Andy Flower, shaking his head and waving his arms about. He seems to think that the umpire was almost guessing that the ball would like a man arguing the toss with someone who has just dinged his car bumper. have hit leg-stump, given that Hawkeye showed that the ball was only just going to clip the wicket.

22nd over: England 66-3 (Strauss 29 Bell 1) Little Ian Bell is in. He takes his first run with a push to mid-on. Rehman, like Ajmal, is now ranked in the top ten Test bowlers. It's the first time since 1988 that Pakistan have had two spinners in the top ten, back then it was Qadir and Qasim.

23rd over: England 70-3 (Strauss 33 Bell 1) Four for Strauss, driven down the ground. "I am glad DRS has brought about many - correct - LBW decisions," says Tim Parkinson. "I have heard the hoary cliche: 'benefit of the doubt to the batsman' so many times... It's simply not in the Laws. If, in the opinion of the umpire, it would go on to hit the wickets (assuming all other criteria - pitching, hitting pads, where applicable), then it's out. End of story." I'd like to see you tell KP that, Tim.

24th over: England 72-3 (Strauss 33 Bell 3) Bell curls his lip in concentration as he plays a series of immaculate forward defensives. He knocks the sixth delivery away for two.

25th over: England 72-3 (Strauss 33 Bell 3) There's going to be an umpire's review for a stumping here, though I can't believe that Strauss is out. He played - and missed - a sweep, and Akmal gathered the ball and whipped off the bails. Much difference may it make - his foot is firmly grounded behind the line. "People are missing the point about Hawkeye yet again," says Mike Selvey. "It is not definitive. It has a margin of error. Hence the ball that it shows just clipping the top of legstump may very well have been missing in reality. And that is too much guesswork for a top umpire. So I sympathise with KP on this one. Taufel has had a poor day." Agreed. It really shows up what a good job Bruce Oxenford did in the first two Tests, perhaps Taufel is just suffering in comparison to him. The only caveat to that point about margin of error is, I suppose, that it applies both ways - rather than veer down leg, the ball could equally have gone the other way and knocked flush into leg-stump.

26th over: England 72-3 (Strauss 33 Bell 3) "I see that after being among the best bats in the world last year, after two matches Ian Bell has once again become 'little' – didn't take long." No, Tim Young, no it didn't.

27th over: England 72-3 (Strauss 33 Bell 3) An armball from Ajmal hoodwinks Strauss, who is fortunate to survive as an inside edge shoots past the wicket. It's the opening shot in a superb salvo, as Strauss is beaten and bamboozled by all six balls. By the end of it, Ajmal is standing, grinning, ruefully running his fingers over his stubble.

28th over: England 72-3 (Strauss 33 Bell 3) Bell, as I said earlier, seems to be wearing a fixed scowl. The corner of his upper lip is arching up towards his left eye, rather as though he were chewing on a cheroot. He's not, of course, though it'd be a lot cooler if he was. Another maiden, the fourth in a row.

29th over: England 73-3 (Strauss 33 Bell 3) Hallelujah, it's a single, the first run in 26 deliveries. Bell is on strike against Ajmal for the first time then, a situation that has the bowler licking his lips in anticipation. Oh little Ian Bell! He's determined to not to be cowed, and so he strides out and launches a lofted drive down the ground for two. That felt a little as though he was looking at himself in as mirror and saying out loud: "you are a winner! You are a winner!"

REVIEW! Bell 5 st Akmal b Ajmal Oh, Ian. He's been done by a doosra. Again. It's close, the third umpire is spending an age deciding whether he is out or not, and the answer is...

WICKET! Bell 5 st Akmal b Ajmal (England 75-4) Well, that was pretty unlucky. The ball beat the outside edge, flew into Akmal's gloves, bounced straight back out and knocked over the wicket just as Bell was sliding his foot back into the crease. How hapless. That was Bell's fourth dismissal to Ajmal in this series. In 2011 Bell averaged 119 in Test cricket. In 2012 he is averaging 8.

REFERRAL! Morgan 0 LBW Rehman Surely not another wicket? Can't a man have a moment of peace? This time, Morgan survives. The ball turned in, but hit him outside the line of off-stump.

31st over: England 77-4 (Strauss 35 Morgan 0) Little Ian Bell's has scored 12 runs against Saeed Ajmal in this series, off 32 balls. In that time he has been dismissed four times, so he has an average against him of exactly three. Is anyone else put in the mind of those Charles Atlas adverts? The wicked chuckles coming from Barry Glendenning's corner of the office as he revels in yet another failure from Bell - and by extension another victory in his long-standing dispute with the esteemed editor of Wisden, and our old OBO mucker, Larry Booth. Morgan, like Bell, seems completely incapable of picking Ajmal's bowling, and now it is his turn to grope blindly through another maiden over.

32nd over: England 77-4 (Strauss 35 Morgan 0) Strauss has got away with one here. He'd have been out LBW if Misbah had decided to review that. The use of the DRS has been the one poor part of his captaincy in this series. "Oh Ian. He really can't pick the doosra can he?" gasps Guy Hornsby. "And that is supremely unlucky. Yet, we sit here criticising his ability to pick it when it'd be like him asking us why we couldn't understand string theory (actually....). I have a lot of love for the Sherminator, but he's looked all at sea here, which is a crushing disappointment to us all, bar Barry Glendenning, no doubt currently firing an expletive-laden tweet to Lawrence Booth. Still, we should have a lead here. I mean we'll be at least 19 runs ahead when Pakistan bat again."

33rd over: England 88-4 (Strauss 35 Morgan 9) Morgan seems to be in a feisty mood here. His first scoring stroke is a six, swatted over long-on. He pushes two more through cover later in the over. "Andrew Strauss's remarks before play are definitely right," chirrups Dan Smith. "Other than when Pakistan have been batting, England have had six fine batsmen in the dressing room for most of this series." HONK!

REFERRAL! Morgan 9 LBW Rehman Rehman is convinced he has his man here, and he's talked Misbah into reviewing it.

WICKET! Morgan 10 LBW Rehman (England 88-5) Morgan has gone. England have gone. This team is shot. Somebody fetch them the service revolver and lets lock the door and leave them be. Rehman was right, the ball would have hit the top of middle stump. Morgan played down the wrong line. His Test career, you have to suspect, is going to be put on ice after this match.

35th over: England 91-5 (Strauss 36 Prior 2) "This is starting to look like an India v India Test match," deadpans Aatman Chaudhary. "It's as if both teams are locked in combat trying to prove who's top order is worse, gosh-darn ridiculous frankly." My sentiments entirely old stick. We've had fifteen wickets today, and I'm on four hours of sleep. Ajmal rips an off-break past Prior's bat. He's out there, surely? The ball hit him on the back pad. But, amazingly, Misbah decides not to review it. He really doesn't have a clue how to use the DRS. Prior grins at Strauss, knowing full well he has just been gifted a second life at the crease.

36th over: England 95-5 (Strauss 37 Prior 5) Strauss is looking pretty lonely on the burning deck at the minute. He's been in for 101 balls.

37th over: England 97-5 (Strauss 38 Prior 6) "Yes it was a miserable way for Bell to get out, but for those of us who keep wicket (badly) it was warming to see a test match keeper make a stumping in such a cack-handed manner," says Ian Burch. "It was also lovely to see Akmal's lack of embarrassment at his ineptitude, though his teammates jumping all over him was taking it all a bit too far." His brother Kamran would have been proud.

38th over: England 97-5 (Strauss 38 Prior 6) There are, somewhat gallingly, still six overs to come. Does anyone have some matchsticks I can use to prop open my eyes? "After this batting performance, we're still going to have a first innings lead?" exclaims a baffled Martin Sinclair. "Can someone please explain what is going on?" Umm, aren't you being a little presumptuous? We're still a run behind...

WICKET! Prior 6 b Rehman (England 98-6) Sigh. Prior was humiliated here, beaten by a lovely ball that span straight past his bat and knocked over off-stump. Rehman and Ajmal may as well be bowling at coconuts. And now England have sent in Jimmy Anderson as a nightwatchman. What a fiendish plan.

39th over: England 100-6 (Strauss 40, Anderson 0) "Are you KIDDING me?!" Sarah Jane Bacon, I wish I was, I wish I was. "A nightwatchman? Who on earth is he protecting? This match just gets curiouser and curiouser." Ajmal slings down what the commentators suspect is a teesra, which disappears down the leg-side for a bye. That gives England the lead.

40th over: England 102-6 (Strauss 40, Anderson 2) Anderson chops two runs away square off Rehman, and is then pinned in front of off-stump. Misbah umms-and-aahs over whether or not to try a referral, and eventually shrugs and decides he may as well not bother seeing as he'll most likely have another wicket soon enough regardless.

41st over: England 104-6 (Strauss 41, Anderson 3) There have been 35 LBWs in the ten innings we have seen so far in Dubai and Abu Dhabi, more than in the entirety of any other three-match Test series in history. Amazingly enough, this over goes by without a single appeal.

42nd over: England 104-6 (Strauss 41, Anderson 3) "This is just sickening, sickening I tell you," mopes a puce-cheeked Ben Powell. "This must be the ultimate dead rubber/"can't be arsed" test match and is fairly destroying any last vestiges of a good mood that I had at the end of a very long week. At moments like this, all a chap can do is don some tweed and step outside for a ruminative pipe." Well, be thankful for small mercies Ben, like the fact that Anderson has contrived to survive this, the penultimate over of the day.

43rd over: England 104-6 (Strauss 41, Anderson 3) Hark at Christopher Caulfield, coming over all rational and reasonable: "Goodness, so, so negative. It's not like Pakistan made 400. Our bowlers did a fantastic job this morning, it's a tricky pitch, we're ahead and have still got a few wickets in hand. Can we give our boys a bit of credit please." Meh. Strauss plays out the final over of a very long, very hectic day, and England finish with a lead of five runs and five wickets in hand.