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After That Assault, Things Got Messy – Part 12 (The End)

When we wonder what in the world is wrong with me, and how did I possibly keep giving him such a pass and trying so so desperately to excuse behavior?

…I just kept remembering to the beginning when he was soooooooo nice and we got along so well…

I know people say, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them. And I did have months of seeing manipulative, mean, abusive behavior… But I had time before that of seeing someone I really believed to be a “good guy.” That was the person he showed me! So, am I supposed to “believe” that? And then this new stuff is different and wrong? Or only when people show me something negative does that statement come into play?

I just had such an idea of who he was and it was so hard for me to let that go. (And to this day, it’s hard for me sometimes…)

So, as I said yesterday, I sent one more apology(!)… I don’t have it anymore. But I think I basically just apologized for being so angry all the time, saying something along the lines of how he was obviously making an effort, so I should too.

Because he really kind of was making an effort… Aside from the awful thing he said (which I do know was terrible – but for just one second, walk with me on this…), he generally had been nicer. And he had made time for me three times in two weeks before I left New York… He was doing things that we conceivably could’ve seen as “making an effort.”

But making that apology was wrong of me. It feels weird to say an apology was wrong. Those are never supposed to be wrong. (Right?) But in this case, this one was…

I do believe I’m a genuine person. I do believe I mean compliments when I say them, and apologies when I say them. But I also just feel like I was so confused a lot with this guy. And then I think my behavior became confusing to match…

And I feel very bad about that…

In my attempts to be the “perfect” girl or a “worthy” girl or whatever… In my attempts to meet “halfway” and see where my blame lied in the scheme of all of this (as I would have with any normal couple’s fight)… In my attempts to do practically anything and jump through any hoops to return things to “normal” (so I could stop having nightmares and feel more comfortable in our friend groups and such)… In all of that, I think I gave the message that his behavior was okay…

I mean, I did really really try (often) to get my point across, and to tell him his behavior was unacceptable. But even I would minimize sometimes. I would back down. I would take blame for things I shouldn’t have. And I think that diluted the message. And I worry that it’s unfair to him and unfair to any woman he might sleep with in the future. I am at the least, the second woman he has sexually assaulted. And I don’t want there to be more… and when I gave such mixed signals, I don’t think I did my part in saying “this wasn’t okay!”

Granted, I wanted him to listen and not write me off as “crazy,” as he did with the other girl… And I didn’t know how to walk that line of being cute, and serious, but fun and empathetic, and the whole burrito of perfect emotions/feelings I was supposed to show/be….

And now I’m sitting here not knowing how to end this story. I guess that covers it. *High five* for slogging through that long arduous journey with me. And even though we’ve successfully gotten through this main story, I certainly have more sexual assault stuff to talk about generally. And we’ll start in on it tomorrow. (Thank you so much for reading. xoxoxo)