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I’ve been blessed today to be able to accompany my son to his Jr. Beta convention.

Watching the talent segment a young lady began to sing “Jesus Take The Wheel” by Carrie Underwood.

My son knows me well. He knew I would be in tears. He was sitting with his friends and looked up at me with deep concern in his gray eyes. I nodded and took a deep breath. Praying to hold it together in the gym full of BETA members and chaperones.

The lyrics touched me……
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can’t do this on my own
I’m letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I’m on
Jesus take the wheel

The song was over. I took a deep breathe. I smelled thieves and Joy essential oils from my diffuser necklace.

Next, 2 young ladies walked up. The music started and within 2 notes my son looked up at me once again. This time he said, “Mom, don’t do it.” He KNEW I was about to lose it. One of the girls began “I heard there was a secret chord- that David played and it pleased the Lord…”

Oh no….hold it together, take a deep breathe., get out of here, don’t listen, look at facebook. Do SOMETHING! Anything to keep from losing it.- went through my head all at once.

On a good day I can’t listen to “Hallelujah” without crying. I can’t listen to kids sing without crying and I certainly cannot when I’m on the brink of tears every second of every day since my dads diagnosis.

I picked up my diffuser necklace and inhaled deeply and tears ran down my face. No one paid attention.

Next up, group talent. A group of three walked up and the young MC announced they were dancing to “Bulletproof” in honor of those effected by cancer.

What the —–? What is this? Why?!!!!!

I wanted a day with my son, to forget about life’s troubles. I wanted to enjoy him and his innocence and sweetness.

“Jesus take the wheel”, I said inside my head.

We got through the day. We had a blast. Pushing through the emotions to make it about what it was supposed to be. A mom and son day. That is exactly what it was and I will never forget it. I even embarrassed him by dancing to the “Cupid Shuffle” with his friends.

When you are dealing with a loved one diagnosed with stage 4 cancer it/ they NEVER leave your mind. (Atleast that is the case for me.) It’s almost like when you have kids and they never leave your mind. Everything reminds you of them.

I see gray- brain cancer comes to mind. I see a man with white hair- I think of my dad. A motorcycle drives by- my dad. My youngest wants to play with his tool set- my dad. Bud light- my dad. My house- my dad. One of the kids needs something and it’s not the best time for me- I think – if I could only have a few minutes with my dad. I give them a few more hugs and a few more kisses, always remembering what is most important. Our connection. Our love.

Today my phone rang. The name on the screen read “DAD”! I was so excited to answer the phone. My dad was calling me. Sitting in his hospital room and he thought to call me! I used to talk to him every day. I shared everything with him. We talked about everything. He would give me his opinion. He would show support. We shared so much of our lives. If something happened good or bad he was the person I talked to after my husband. That came to a screeching halt and I miss it more than imaginable.

I knew he would not sound great. I imagined he would sound tired and his speech would be weak again. When I heard his voice I had to fight back the tears. Hearing his voice was awesome. He is alive and we are talking! Hallelujah! He sounded weak, slurred. Heavy tongued is how I describe it. He was worse than at Christmas time. He asked if I knew about his seizures. We talked about his muscle strength. He said he loved me and wanted to talk to Handsome Hubby.

I hung up the phone In tears and have not recuperated.

A few days ago a friend told me she hoped I had someone to lean on right now. Someone to vent to. I simply replied “Thank you.” What else could I say?

I have my husband who is almost as emotionally vested in this as I am. My other ROCK is lying in his hospital room and needs me to be his rock.

Today our teenage girls decided that it would be fun for Handsome Hubby and I to play the Newlywed Game. We were married in 2009 so I guess we might still be considered newlyweds.

They asked us a total of 16 questions. We answered 2 differently. I cannot say incorrectly because we interpreted the question differently. For example, one question was “What was the biggest surprise present he has given you?” He answered,” A new car.” I answered, “A candle.” He forgot he even bought me a candle so many years ago and because he talked to me the whole time he was at the dealership buying me the car I didn’t think it was much of a surprise!

The other question we missed was, “Name something Cyndi does too much of.” I answered, “wash”. He said, “talk.” Oh well, we cannot win them all.

The other questions?

If you were going to bring a sweet treat to you husband/ wife, what would it be?

Who would your husband marry if he could marry any celebrity?

My spouse is a great _____, but a horrible ______.

My husband is a natural born ______.

My wife is a natural born _______.

Who is the better cook between the two of you?

Where was your first date?

How much did you spend?

If there was a fire I would grab_____. My spouse would grab _____.

You get the idea. It was a great reminder of our connection. We always are aware of our love for one another and do not take it for granted but this was a great way to show our children how connected and in love we are.

The picture above was taken the Mothers Day before my in laws 3rd child was tragically taken to heaven.

Seeing this picture in our hallway on Christmas Eve of this year, my mother in law shared that little bit of information with my husband and I ( he is the first from the left). My mother in law is a woman somewhat “of few words”. She is very private. I will leave her story quite simply with my thought in respect to her— she has LIVED BRAVER. A strong female role model for her children. As mine has been for hers.

When I think of living braver my thoughts and memories immediately, almost selfishly, envelop me. My own personal story of living bravely. I will find a way to share it one day.

But this, this is about my sister in law, Lexlee Overton. The little girl in the picture. What is so complex about human emotions, our human brain, is one persons painful memory is another’s most glorious happiest of memories.

Recently writing a post on perception, the contrast of what my mother in law and sister in law see when they look at this one moment in time strongly stood out to me. But the similarity in the afterthought, if you will, is quite similar. It was the beginning of my mother in law living braver at a whole new level and for my sister in law it was “a reminder of being a young girl who loves openly and freely”, without fear. I’m sure to an extent the same goes for my mother in law when she looks at her precious children in this picture and was BRAVE enough to have 2 more beautiful children.

Stay with me, I do have a point.
My sister in law has created a wonderful website where we can share stories, find resources and support one another to help us Live Braver. Pleaseclick here to connect to the site.

Below I attached a small excerpt from livebraver.com.

I hope you visit the site.
Share your story!
Live Braver!

excerpt from livebraver.com
Live Braver is a resource for those seeking to step beyond the confines of fear, for those seeking a more inspiring, fulfilling, and rewarding life.

The ultimate goal: to help and to support each other in finding the courage to take steps towards a life we love.

What to expect: a community filled with people like you, who want to share their stories and to inspire others to bravely embrace their life purpose.

Be inspired

Be empowered

Be IN LOVE with your life

LIVE BRAVER.

Are you ready to Live Braver?
Live Braver is a resource for those seeking to step beyond the confines of fear, for those seeking a more inspiring, fulfilling, and rewarding life.

The ultimate goal: to help and to support each other in finding the courage to take steps towards a life we love.

What to expect: a community filled with people like you, who want to share their stories and to inspire others to bravely embrace their life purpose.

Some of us have thought about this before and others have not.
The ones that have not thought of this probably come with the hard shell that also doesn’t care what others think of them as well. Some could call them shallow, maybe egotistical. Others would say secure in who they are. Whatever the case may be, either you have given this thought or you haven’t. I say your life’s circumstances probably have not led you to ask this question if you haven’t. No matter what your core beliefs are at one time or another we question them. Well, I guess, I hope we all do, as that is a sign of growth.

A few days ago I wrote about perspective. My kids always put things into perspective for me. Simple pleasures put things into perspective. Enjoying traditions, for example. Getting hot water again after not having it since Thanksgiving ( as happened for us a week or so ago) puts things into perspective. Losing it soon after ( within an hour) REALLY put things into perspective. Waiting another week to figure out what the issue was, boiling pots and pots of water, me taking wipey baths and using (form the first time) dry shampoo puts our first world essentials into perspective.

Hot water seemed like nothing when both of my sons got sick. They had a 102-103 fever and the only other symptom was a headache. My brother at 6 weeks contracted encephalitis. Fever was his only symptom. My mom has had meningitis 3 times over the past 7 years. The 3 times occurred within 4 years. Needless to say, I do not like fevers, especially accompanied by a headache……perspective.

My oldest started with his first. He got better within 3 days. The youngest started as the oldest got better. He still has a low grade fever but seems to be doing well…..when your child is sick other things don’t matter. Your life shifts to caring for them. Your perspective on things is altered.

So to get back to my original question. As you see yourself, from your own perspective of you, would you be your own friend? If you met you would you like who you are?

I’ve asked myself this question, obviously. Looking at every nook and cranny of my being, soul searching, is time consuming as well as necessary. I have strained relations with most of my family ( there I said it…..that’s hard to admit) which has prompted my soul searching in my personal life. I could get angry and retaliate or I could become introspective. A few years ago, I would have beyond a shadow of a doubt retaliated. Not now. Why? Perspective. Believe me, I had some soul searching to do, I still want to defend myself and as much of a people pleaser I am I just want them to like me. But then I realized they never did. There is a phrase “it’s not about you”. I’ve realized their issues with me are not about me. Their issues are with them. There is nothing I can say to them to change that. Their perspective of life through their thought processes and circumstances has dictated to them the negative thoughts towards me. Unfortunately their perspective of the world is so tarnished that these people expect the worst out of people. Maybe they conduct their life the way they described what I supposedly did. Who knows? My perspective has not changed. Jesus has forgiven me more times than I can count and will continue to. Who am I not to do the same. I will continue to live my life as I do. Live for my husband and kids. The perspective of someone who has lost much and knows how fragile life is, knows how deep someone can physically and mentally hurt and knows the power of The Lord is priceless.

Lately it seems that I cannot adequately write what I’m thinking in my mind. My thoughts are thought provoking and full of wisdom. On paper it’s blah blah wa wa…

This post is important to me. I have a point, I want to make it and this will be my third attempt at doing so.

My previous post was about selfless marriage. We should not get married so that someone else can make us happy. We should get married to spend our days making our spouse happy. Selfless love. Give of yourself without any expectations.

This led me to explore more deeply some small things I complain about and why. I was not happy with myself after my introspection. However, I’m pleased to have had such an eye opening experience. My first post on this blog was about taking time for yourself. Ideas for mommy’s to help make their needs get met. I’m here to tell you I was wrong.

In one year will it matter if you got to take a bath by yourself? Probably not

In one year will it matter if you didn’t get to the hair dresser every 6 weeks — I haven’t been in 2 years. I’ve been cutting my own and dying it. I say it doesn’t matter

In one year do you think that you could have played trains a few more minutes instead of _______? Probably so.

Well you get where I’m going with this. I have a laundry list of things I used to complain about and probably will continue to. Only now when I complain I have the tools necessary to snap out of my negative zone quicker.

We all can complain about huge problems. I’m talking about the little daily things that we deal with as moms. The “Calgon take me away” moments. Not the bills, someone’s health, job worries. I’m talking about not getting to take a bath alone ever! Never walking out of your house without an army of kids in tow. Not going to get your hair done because you don’t leave your kids with anyone and don’t want to spend the money, yet you still complain. I’m talking about working your booty off literally. Losing 75 pounds and not buying new clothes. Wearing 10 year old clothes and too big clothes. Little daily issues— we all have them. Mine are different than yours but we all can relate.

What if we looked at our loved ones in a different light? What if we looked at them each day like it was their last? Would we treat them better? Whose to say it’s not their or our last day? Will one more bath with mommy really hurt? No! Do I really need to go to the store alone? No! Does it really matter that I cut my hair and dye it even though I have no experience? No- I get compliments. The money we save goes towards our family! Does it really matter that I had to dig clothes out from 10 years ago to wear? No! Who gets to do that?

So now when I have a moment of impatience I ask myself how I would treat this situation a year from now and most importantly I love my family like it is their last day.

What if we all did that? Love like it was everyone’s last day. I can feel the love and positivity just thinking about it.

In recent months marriage quality has weighed on my heart ALOT! Much more than a truly happily married person should worry. I’m not questioning my marriage. I’m finding myself worried about others. Yes, I know, it’s none of my business.

Handsome hubby and I have our spats. He gets upset with me and I with him. We are human. The most beautiful blessing no matter how upset we are with one another happens when we still sleep in the same bed and he still holds me even when we are upset with one or the other. We don’t follow the rule- don’t go to bed angry. We do what works for us. Sometimes we still wake upset and sometimes we don’t. The act of love and respect for our marriage comes first.

Handsome hubby is the king of this house. I try to treat him as such. Home cooked meals, serve him first, his clothes are always freshly pressed, our bed made and the house as tidy as possible are small examples. When he arrives home from work he is greeted with a smile. We talk about his day, then mine. Maybe a bit June Cleever but it’s us. He treats me like a princess, provides for his family, tells me I’m beautiful, respects me, asks my opinion. We are partners. God comes
first , our marriage second , then our family and everything else follows. We pray together daily. 2-3 times together and with the kids. Like I said, we argue. However, there is no yelling, no name calling, no score keeping and no retaliation if someone hurt the other.

Hearing friends are getting divorced, talking about divorce or are not in love anymore makes me sad. Apart from abuse I KNOW these couples could work things out.

Our thoughts and beliefs of marriage and family have benefited us greatly and have not come without sacrifice.

I recent days the blog titled Marriage Isn’t For You hit the ground running! Everyone is talking about it. It’s all the rage. What gets me is this blog says what EVERY married couple
should know. They should know this BEFORE their wedding day. Before I DO. The idea that some guy had to write a blog telling people that when you are married your spouse comes first gives me perspective. Not the perspective you might be thinking. If gives me perspective into the fall of the sacrament of marriage.

Society is such that we have to be selfish. Take care of you first. The knowledge this idea has bled into marriage is scary.

My family’s needs come first. Yes, I have
found myself complain. No, I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Today is Mommy Monday! Usually I would write a post about mommyhood. Not today. Today we are talking about realizing our dreams. Whether you are a stay at home mom or you work outside of the house you must realize that our jobs are a calling. If you don’t see your current circumstances, job, as a calling you might want to do some soul searching and reading.

Soul Searching:
What have you always wanted to do and thought you couldn’t?
What have you done before and maybe failed at, but love?
What do you feel most at home doing?

Ask yourself those questions and more. You know the answer. Most people do. Fear keeps us from following through.

Reading:
The Map, by Boni Lonnsburry
The Law of Divine Compensation, by Marianne Williamson

About 4 years ago Handsome Hubby and I were newly married. There is no love like ours. He reads my mind and I read his. Its freaky scary! Handsome Hubby was miserable at his job. As an investigator with Louisiana State Police and Polygraphist he spent most of his days behind his desk. He didn’t like that at all coming from SWAT and being a major crime/ rape detective for many years. My solution was to make an “ESCAPE PLAN”. We had 2 options. Come up with another job he would be happy doing or count down the days until he could retire. While we were making this POA ( plan of action) he felt a lump forming in his neck. I took photos. Within a few hours I was rushing him to the ER. Pain was jolting down the side of his face. The pain was unbearable. Our world has never been the same.

Already a God loving, ever praying and faithful family this time in our life drew us closer to the Holy Spirit. Actually I think the Holy Spirit drew us in. The ER did not work quickly to get us in. When they did Handsome Hubby had an allergic reaction to dilaudid. It put him in cardiac failure. During this time Jesus came to hold my husband. He told him the pain was his to bear for now. During his CAT scan he saw images of us later in life, his life flashed before his eyes, in the sense of foreshadowing. He was shown a perfectly golden cross. The doctors said he had a lipoma on his neck, nothing more. They sent us home with a referral to see an ENT the next day. The ENT immediately phoned the hospital to have Handsome Hubby admitted. With heightened senses, excruciating pain and this lump we headed to the hospital.

Doctor upon doctor told us the lump was not associated with the facial pain. The ENT, an Episcopalian deacon, prayed over night. He came in with a diagnosis. Trigeminal Neuralgia. General physicians, neurologists, pain management doctors and an ENT all agreed the lipoma had nothing to do with the pain. I recorded every conversation with the doctors. Handsome hubby was placed on every pain medicine known to man. Monitoring his medicines for pain was a full time job. You could not talk or have light in the presence of my husband. After a week in the hospital we were sent home. Four months pregnant, my husband diagnosed with “the suicide disease”, not a single doctor believed the lipoma was connected, the pain was still present and the side effects of the drugs were horrific all I could do was pray. Handsome hubby hallucinated, had conversations with people not present. A certain medicine that had to be taken at night gave him energy. I got no sleep. My poor husband…….Being up taking care of the medicine schedule all day, researching his illness, and researching the best doctors took priority over rest. Around 5 am I would pass out. I would wake at 7am to find my husband outside in my maternity pants or naked chasing people that weren’t there. We finally had an appointment with a top neurologist. Lets just say it did not go well. In a last ditch effort I called the ENT. I asked what needed to be done to get the lipoma out. He explained that my husband would have to be weaned off of his pain medicine to go under. We went to see the pain medicine doctor. He talked me through what to do. A week later the lipoma was removed. The Trigeminal Neuralgia “the suicide disease” was gone too! I type this with tears in my eyes remembering the love of my life had been taken from me. What about our kids I always thought. This baby in me will never know his daddy. But by the grace of God the ENT was willing to take out the lipoma. By the grace of God we never gave up.

I left out most of the horrible stuff because I always write with the belief that our children will somehow someday read what I write.

Within a few weeks Handsome Hubby was back to work. Excited about being alive. Excited not to have Trigeminal neuralgia we never looked at our plan again. We gave thanks to God for all that we had. We never asked for more. How could we?

Life went on. We had a horrible court battle to fight in Texas just a few short months after. This crippled us for many years. It held us back. Kept us from moving forward. For every step forward we took 2 steps back. I also do not intend on writing about this as it involved my kids. It is over.
We prayed, became closer in faith. Our life is centered around absolute faith.

When you believe. When you have faith. When you are willing dreams do come true. Handsome hubby is realizing his dream of getting from behind the desk. A true leap of faith. Handsome hubby retired from the state police in July. Doing OVERTON POLYGRAPH, LLC full time has opened the doors for many more opportunities as well.

I’m even realizing a dream of mine. I’ll post more about that later.

The Map by Boni Lonnsburry was the beginning to realizing we could be, do, have our dreams.

Proof of Heaven, by Eben Alexander M.D. followed The Map

The Law of Divine Compensation, by Marianne Williamson has kept us moving forward.

This is an exciting time. God tried showing us 4 years ago we needed a change. We didn’t listen. He kept knocking until we finally did. If you have some signs of Divine Intervention please pay attention to them. God Loves You. He want you to be happy. You deserve it!