Thursday, June 05, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Hillary Clinton says in an interview she has “moved on” since Monica Lewinsky. Now all she has to do is get over Paula Jones, Gennifer Flowers, Kathleen Willey, Juanita Broaddrick...

Hillary Clinton says in an interview she has “moved on” since Monica Lewinsky. She has even gone so far as to agree to move back into the house where it all happened.

The Secret Service is seeking software that can allow it to track social media trends and detect sarcasm. To which government technicians are saying they will just wave their magic wands and have that all ready tomorrow.

A Massachusetts company says it plans to have a flying car ready within two years. Although anyone who wants to fly in a cramped vehicle with a bumpy ride and amateur pilot can always just book with United.

Robotic mannequins are being used at a New Jersey hospital to simulate birth several times a day for training purposes. Apparently it would have just cost too much to relocate the Octomom to the east coast.

A survey says that 59% of people feel the American dream is out of reach. What’s worse is the other 41% of Americans feel the North Korean dream is out of reach.

A survey says that 59% of people feel the American dream is out of reach. Which means people will no longer have the opportunity to be mortgaged up to their eyeballs for 30 years and then spend their retirement years paying off their kids’ college tuition loans.

A study says that meditation is the key to success. For instance, if you meditate long enough you can come up with excuses for why you didn’t get anything done at work after meditating for eight straight hours.

Researchers say that it takes 10,000 hours of practice to make the difference between being good enough and making it to world class. Which answers the question of how long Kanye West has stood in front of a mirror admiring himself.

A $3.2 Million report says that NASA has “no chance” to land humans on Mars. Leave it to the government to spend $3.2 Million to figure out what they can’t do.

A $3.2 Million report says that NASA has “no chance” to land humans on Mars. They could have saved $3,199,999 by looking back and realizing that NASA hasn’t had a successful mission since 1969.

A Detroit man is being investigated for driving from Arizona to Michigan with his girlfriend who died along the way. The man says it was just nice to have her in the car one time where she wasn’t criticizing his driving and telling him to pull over for directions.

A study says the Navy Blue Angels precision flight team were immersed in porn, chauvinism and sexual harassment. Apparently they were all making plans for when they leave the military to assimilate into becoming commercial airline pilots.

A 13 year old from India has become the youngest girl to climb Mt. Everest. Her reason to scale the mountain was when you live in a country with 1.2 Billion other people, you will do pretty much anything to get a little privacy for once.

A 13 year old from India has become the youngest girl to climb Mt. Everest. The sad part is that she had to ascend more than 29,000 feet to actually experience being in clean air.

The Central African Republic is banning texting because of violence and protests. Which is ironic because if texting were ever banned in the U.S. it would lead to violence and protests.

A new study says that sexual harassment on the street is widespread. To which many traditionalists are upset, saying it is time to get it back into the workplace office where it belongs.

Secretary of State John Kerry says the Syria election was a “great big zero.” Or was he talking about his 2004 presidential campaign?

NASA says it plans to expand the Kennedy Space Center by 2032. The KSC expansion is not to be confused with the expansion of the American waistline by people eating at KFC.

A moms group says it wants Target to stop allowing customers to openly carry firearms into its stores. To which Target says it doesn’t actually allow it, but somehow arms wielding gun lovers can’t help but be attracted to a store whose logo is a bullseye.

UCLA freshman Zach Lavine set a Lakers workout record with a 46” vertical jump. The only higher vertical jump in NBA history was the one that sent Donald Sterling flying out of his chair when he heard his recorded tape went public.

An Ohio man is being accused of issuing fake diplomatic credentials. Who does he think he is, the United Nations?

An Ohio man is being accused of issuing fake diplomatic credentials. Authorities became suspicious when they realized someone in Ohio was familiar with diplomacy.

A survey says the U.S. job creation index has reached a six year high. Which means that for the first time in six years, someone must have actually created a job somewhere.

The Senate may vote to ease the 70 hour a week cap for truck drivers, allowing truckers to work up to 82 hours a week. Or as Senators call 82 hours of work, a pretty good year.

American Airlines has angered some retirees by cutting back on their perk to fly free. Which is no big deal since each trip costs $200 anyway for baggage, reservation and boarding fees.

American Airlines has angered some retirees by cutting back on their perk to fly free. It could be worse. American could make them take their free flights on United.

The USGA has begun tracking golfers across the country with GPS devices to help speed up the game. They got the idea from Elin Nordegren who used the GPS on Tiger Woods’ SUV to catch him in the act.

The USGA has begun tracking golfers across the country with GPS devices to help speed up the game. If your golf game needs to be tracked by GPS, it’s probably time to start taking some lessons on how to hit the ball a little straighter.

A Federal Reserve survey says the U.S. economy is showing improvement. Which is like saying the Houston Astros may have lost 14-1 but they avoided a shutout.

A Federal Reserve survey says the U.S. economy is showing improvement. In a related story, GM says it is building better cars and the cable guy will be over to your home in less than a half hour.

One Direction ticket sales have dropped in the wake of a scandal involving group members smoking marijuana. Which finally gives the answer behind the meaning of their name.

Panera Bread says it will remove all artificial food additives by 2016. The good news is that all the artificial additives in their food now will keep their bread from spoiling through 2016.

A study says that bicyclists are happier than car drivers and train riders. Mostly because riding a bike means they actually have to put their electronic devices away until they get to where they are going.

A study says that bicyclists are happier than car drivers and train riders. Mostly because people are generally driving their cars and taking the train to get to work.

A study says that skipping breakfast has no effect on people trying to lose weight. Mostly because they just make up for the missing calories by eating more at the other seven meals they have every day.

Thieves stole 13,000 Huggies from a diaper bank in North Carolina. The robbers, just like the Huggies were prepared to deal with a full load.

Thieves stole 13,000 Huggies from a diaper bank in North Carolina. Apparently it is part of an ongoing rash of crimes in the area.

A study says that Viagra may increase the risk of skin cancer. Apparently some men feel it’s worth the risk to try to convince someone to help them rub some sunscreen on their exposed areas.

A study says that having a dog or cat can keep people from getting a good night’s sleep. Especially when the dog barks or you step on the cat’s tail while trying to sneak in the house without waking your wife at three in the morning.

A study says that boys with divorced parents are twice as likely to be overweight. Mostly because mom and dad are both too busy to do anything but give them a twenty and tell them to grab something at McDonald’s.

Melissa McCarthy is planning on starting her own line of plus size clothing. The available sizes will be “large”, “circus tent” and “Kirstie Alley.”

A new reality show allows a church congregation to pick a person’s date. Then they also tell you why all the things you are planning to do on your date will condemn you to eternity in Hell.

Will Smith is reportedly on board for a movie that takes on the NFL concussion problem. Smith took the part without even seeing the script, which the producers will give him just as soon as they remember where they left it.

Will Smith is reportedly on board for a movie that takes on the NFL concussion problem. They thought about going with typecasting for the role, but apparently Sylvester Stallone was already involved with another project.

Donald Sterling reportedly says he will sell the Clippers and drop his lawsuit against the NBA. When asked what the reasons were he decided to quit his fight, his lawyers and advisers say they actually came up with about two billion of them.

Scientists say they have figured out why koala bears hug trees. Apparently it has something to do with them not wanting to fall to the ground.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Not as many jokes today due to some severe weather in my area that kept me a little busy all day yesterday at my “real” job. Of course, I will consider this a job when I actually make any money for doing it. I guess I am just old school and want to keep my amateur status. And no one wants to pay any actual money for this stuff. But you can always keep me somewhat “employed” when you remember to send the love!