My child is bulling her classmate

In a bit of a tricky situation here and it's quite difficult to work out exactly what is going on.

DD(turns 5 at Christmas) has just started Reception. She is bright. Funny. Sensitive and usually kind.

She struggled to settle at first. Was very upset at drop off but now seems fine. She has lots of friends but is very keen on one girl in particular, I will call her E.

My brothers friend's daughter, A has also just started in Reception. She is one of the youngest in the class and has just had a baby brother.

My DD has mentioned on several occasions that A has hurt her, pushed her or been mean to her. It's quite embarrassed at pick up time as she tries to loudly complain about her to me in front of A's mum.

During gently questioning at home I began to suspect that although A might have been a bit boisterous with my DD her and E had retaliated by being very unkind to her. As its two against one and my DD and E are that bit older I can see how unpleasant it would be for A. I have been wondering what to do about it.

Got a phone call from my mum last nigh as she had been talking to my brother. A's family are very upset as they believe A is being bullied at school. Apparently they talked to the teacher but she wasn't very helpful. My mum wanted to know if I knew anything about it. Turns out someone has drawn all over A' s uniform and her mum had to buy a new one! Just questioned DD and it turns out it was her!!

Not sure how to handle this. I know a little bickering is normal but I feel awful for A and I don't want DD to turn into a bully. I am, as I always have, trying to talk to her about kindness and being nice to people etc. Talking to her about how sad she felt at achool at first and how A now feels like that......

TBH if you have gently tried to explain to your dd and it is still going on I'd be a lot firmer and tell her outright that behaviour has to stop right now. At 5 she is old enough to be told it stops or there will be consequences. Tell you how disappointed you are that she isn't being kind.

If she is bullying alongside a coconspirator you could try inviting A over without your dd's other pal to see if you can forge a friendship but it's risky.

I'd mention to the mum that you are aware your dd hasn't always been kind and you are doing something about it so they feel you understand at least.And I'd mention to the teacher from your side too for some ssuppprt.

Personally I would talk to the teacher first as they will need to keep an eye on all girls and support them in their developing relationships. A huge part of reception is developing social skills and also learning to empathise with others. I would also keep talking to your daughter about being kind and how would she feel etc. At 4/5 it's very hard to think through your actions first as many incidents happen in the heat of the moment but young children can begin to reflect after and the majority then will say they have done the wrong thing.

I think I would also talk to A's mum and reassure her you are talking to the teacher and not accepting of your daughter's behaviour. A play date without E sounds a good idea too. Possibly E is the stronger one and is leading this behaviour in which case playing with A over the holiday might make a stronger friendship for when school starts again.

Possibly E is the stronger one and is leading this behaviour in which case playing with A over the holiday might make a stronger friendship for when school starts again.

Or possibly the DD is the leader, and this will just let her know more buttons to press for when she is back at school.

Bullies need to know that this behaviour will not be tolerated, a play date as a reward for bullying - wow.

OP you need to explain to your daughter that bullying is not acceptable, how it can affect the person being bullied and that you expect her to help and stick up for younger classmates, not to just join in with or be mean to other children. If you don't tell her and teach her how to behave, who will?

Definitely go to talk to school, tell them what you think may have been happening, ask for help to address this at school.

You could apologise to As mum - stick to facts, say DD told you that she drew on As uniform, you've realised from what she said that there have been other incidents at school where DD has been picking on A. That you're really sorry about this and you think this to be absolutely unacceptable from your DD and that you are talking to her and to school about this.

I wouldn't put on any pressure for a playdate/reconciliation - could be a good idea, but if A is quite scared of DD at the moment it might make things worse. I'd wait to see how things pan out a bit.

OP you sound like a really good mum. It's unlikely your DD will turn into a real bully if she is being called on it at home and is aware you don't find it acceptable.

Talk to the teacher and like previous posters have said, offer the money for a new uniform if you have it.

When my DS1 started school there was one boy in the class he was always telling tales on, and the same the other way round. I arranged some play dates and although they are never going to be best friends, they've found their way. I've made great friends with the mum too so it's worked out really well.

Ok wait hang on! A doesn't seem at all scared of DD. I picked them both up together the other day for a village event and they were fine together. As far as I am aware it's a few occasions where A had grabbed DD had and once bitten her finger. In return DD has been telling A that she doesn't want to play with her and doesn't want her to come to her party.

I don't think we have got the the "bullying" stage and I am trying to intervene before that happens.

just keep this at school. who knows who started it? if A is being a little horror, retaliation is quite a natural step at 5. or perhaps your dd started it and A was retaliating etc. School issue, keep it at school. this has the potential to get messy otherwise - all drama between family and friends.

As far as addressing it with your daughter, I would just continue to remind her to use kind hands, or whatever phrase school and you use. Plus, DD, do we draw on school uniform? No.

St this age they are learning boundaries are are still very impulsive. It feels awful when your child has done something to another, but a large part of reception is about teaching children to socialize.

Wrt the other parent, I would apologize for the uniform, offer to pay for it, and say you have had a word with DD and are going to speak to school after half term.

It may be rather more six of one and half a dozen of the other as they are so little. It may be that she doesn't like A but is reacting inappropriately. There was this little girl at school who used to sit next to me and copy my work and who was generally irritating. I found it stressful as I worried that I would get in trouble if both of our work was the same. She would follow me around when I didn't want to play with her and would start to attack me physically- to which I retaliated in kind. I was so little and had no idea how to deal with this.

Her mum (who on reflection now seems quite bonkers) accused me of bullying her and my parents had to come in to talk about it. I can't remember how it was dealt with but the girl generally stopped being a PITA and we seemed to keep our distance.

I'm not saying this is the same situation at all but they are so little and there is often more to it - esp. if your DD is generally kind and lovely.

sorry, by leave it to school I meant, tell school so they can keep an eye

apologising to parents etc is exactly what I meant by things getting messy. if you would have sought out any parent and made your child apologise, fair enough, but if it is to appease because you know them, it all starts getting messy. your child labelled the bully. a the victim. a's role overlooked. phone calls. words to family members. aaargh