Her boyfriend doesn't listen carefully enough, and she loses her cool. How can she keep control while getting her needs met?

I 've been with my boyfriend for almost six months now. He is loving, sweet and treats me wonderfully. But when there is a problem or my feelings have been hurt, he thinks I'm exaggerating and making things bigger than they are.

Then something inside me just breaks. I start to say hurtful things out of frustration, and then he wants to get off the phone, and I won't let him because I want to talk about the problem. But the damage is done.

I don't know why I seem to snap lately. I have been under a lot of stress at work and I'm looking for an apartment. But I can't use that as an excuse for the way I treat him. I need to figure out how to handle it when my blood's boiling, without crossing the line to being hurtful.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I'll lose him if I don't fix this.

Fionna

Dear Fionna,

It sounds as though you and your friend have some problems with communication that can be resolved relatively easily. We're going to give you some suggestions, and we'll also suggest a framework to help channel your feelings more effectively when you feel your "blood start to boil."

You and your friend seem to be caught up in a misunderstanding that commonly occurs, simply because men and women have different styles of communication and different ways of addressing problems. Like many women, when something bothers you, you need to talk it out. "Venting" in this manner probably helps you come to terms with many things that upset you, and helps you decide on a course of action when one is needed. Naturally, you want to share your thoughts and feelings with the person you feel close to -- your boyfriend.

Unfortunately, he doesn't want to hear a long conversation. This isn't because he isn't interested in what you think. It's just that we women tend to go on and on and men aren't attuned to that. Most men think that when women work something out by talking it through, we're complaining, "making a mountain out of a molehill," or asking them to help with a solution. Usually, women just need to vent feelings and thoughts, and all we want is to hear, "I know how you feel," or "I sympathize with you."

The two of you should think about your personal communication styles, and then talk to each other about them. You could learn a little bit more about different ways men and women communicate with a book like, "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" by Dr. John Gray.

When you understand each other's approaches better, you'll probably have fewer arguments. For example, one woman who had a problem similar to yours learned to tell her husband, "I need to talk something through, and would like you to be my sounding board for several minutes." Since he now realizes that his wife isn't complaining, but simply letting off steam, he's a good sport about listening. And after she's finished talking, she feels a lot better.

There's also a possibility that you do overact to some minor irritations or take things personally that aren't directed at you. This behavior could be something related to your growing up, when certain members of your family overreacted. Or maybe you behave this way because you are very sensitive about certain situations. If you would like to tone down your reactions, here's a simple trick you can follow to help put things into perspective:

Dr. Miriam Adahan, the psychologist and writer, suggests that each time something in life upsets or annoys you, mentally assign it a position on a scale of 1-to-10, with 10 representing the worst thing that can possibly happen, and 1 representing something you should take in stride. The next time you feel your blood boiling, place the annoyance on the 1-to-10 scale. The few seconds it takes to do this may actually help calm you down, think rationally, and put things into perspective. It works to diffuse a potentially explosive situation.

It may also help for you and your boyfriend to agree on a "code word" that you can use when something really sets you off. Mentioning that word will warn him that you're having trouble with self-control. The two of you can agree to let you blow off some steam and then talk about the issue later, when you are calm, instead of turning everything into an argument because one of you is too emotional.

In fact, anytime there's an issue you need to talk about, particularly if one of you is upset, try to table it for a time that you can both discuss it rationally. It may be hard to resist the urge to force your boyfriend to discuss a subject just because you feel the need to get it off your chest, but waiting has its benefits. A few hours later, you may realize that you overacted. Or, by giving yourself time to think about what you want to say in a rational way, point by point, you may be better equipped to resolve the issue instead of simply arguing about it.

We hope these suggestions will help you approach life's annoyances in a more balanced and effective way, and have a positive impact on all your relationships.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

Visitor Comments: 5

(5)
Anonymous,
May 17, 2005 12:00 AM

Women know the answer they just need someone to listen

Yes thats true . We already know the answer . When someone listens we come up with solutions. Spoke to my mom and my husband . Found the answer in a ten minutes when l spoke to my mom and took me an hour when my husband spent time explaining to me why the problem was not his fault. Mr GRAY is EXCELLENT.

(4)
sara zohar,
November 26, 2001 12:00 AM

Please...but Mean are from Mars &c is so over-rated!

Yes, that best seller does have some point to make, simply by putting into black and white what we've known al along - that men and women think and react differently. But go check out the list of 101 things Mr. Mars can do to show appreciation: like - "take out the garbage FOR HER!"(my caps). So, if the garbage bin is full, it's all her doing and has nothing to do with him, and their mutual housekeeping? Poppycock! I wrote to Mr. Mars'venerable propagator but got zero reply - because that's a typical male error to make in the first place (doing it for her rather than for them) and typical in the second place (why say, sure, sorry, bad blooper!).
On the other hand, I never read new editions - maybe he fixed this screwed up world view......
So please, yes, recommend, but with a pinch or two of coarse salt!
AND HERE'S MY TIP TO FIONNA - when i need to vent and don't want to bore my partner with the fine and infinte ins and outs, I take myself to a private spot and chat, out loud, with myself. Doing this forces me to concret my otherwise ary and open-ended thoughts by giving them words, and when I hear the words, I can better concentrate on the direction of my ideas, and do you know what? I never lose an argument with myself! And then, when I approach my partnr,I can present 1-2-3 clearly thought through alternatives which are far easier for him to relate to, than an hour's worth of rambling "vent". It takes some getting used to - but worth the effort, in my view - and the more you practice, the better and faster you get at seeing your options clearly.
Best of luck.......!

(3)
Juanita,
November 15, 2001 12:00 AM

Some things aren't worth fixing.

I recently broke off a seven month relationship for the same difficult communication reasons Fionna experienced. Initially, after diagnosing the problem, I tried implementing Dr. Gray's suggestions; as well as seeking wisdom from elders. However, I eventually realised that sometimes some things cannot be fixed. Communication is a two-way street. Perhaps overeacting to irritations can also be a warning sign for an already faltering relationship?
Juanita from South Africa

(2)
Alan Sholto,
November 13, 2001 12:00 AM

Excellent advice

My wife and I go through the same routine you mention. I am going to try to adopt your suggestions. Thanks. Alan from Israel.

(1)
Cristina Marchesan,
November 12, 2001 12:00 AM

Thanks

Your advice helped me very much. I suffer similar kind of different communication styles.
Cristina from Argentina

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I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...