CNN's desperate search for news

Good afternoon. This is CNN. I'm Ashleigh Banfield, and even though I'm a glamorous TV news anchor with incredible bone structure, I'm so folksy and down-to-earth, you're gonna wanna throw up. Am I right, Wolf Blitzer?

Wolf: That's indeed correct, Ashleigh. I've regurgitated twice already, and you haven't even mentioned missing Malaysian Flight 370. Also, you've been on the air for two whole minutes without showing that eerie graphic of a plane gliding silently through darkness, like it's being navigated by a zombie ghost pilot.

Ashleigh: That's coming up, Wolf. But first, I gotta ask, because I'm a ballsy babe: Where the heck is that plane? Why the heck is it still missing? And how the heck long can we beat this story into the ground before even our liberal viewers run screaming to Fox? But now we have some breaking news about the disappearance of missing Malaysian Flight 370.

Reporter: Ashleigh, I'm in Perth with breaking news. It appears that an elderly gentleman with a geiger counter has found the wreckage of Flight 370 on a remote beach in Australia.

Ashleigh: Can you give us more details? Oh wait — I have some breaking news in connection with the disappearance of missing Malaysian Flight 370.

Reporter: Ashleigh, it appears the debris found scattered on the beach in Australia is not the wreckage of Flight 370. I repeat — it's not the wreckage of Flight 370. Instead, it appears to be a rusty tire iron and either a dime, or a quarter. I'm working my sources now to confirm the actual coinage.

Ashleigh: You heard it here first, folks. We just broke the story that the debris we reported as being connected to missing Malaysian Flight 370 is actually not missing Malaysian Flight 370. We're covering this story like Fox on Benghazi, mostly because of those poor, sad, grieving families. Am I right, Wolf?

Wolf: Indeed, Ashleigh. Those families are indeed grieving and poor and sad. Back to you, Ashleigh.

Ashleigh: Thanks for that update, Wolf. And now let's turn to our legal panel. First, to you, Mark O'Mara. Any truth to the rumor that the plane was shot down by George Zimmerman?

Mark: No.

Ashleigh: Thanks for clearing that up, Mark, because we refuse at CNN to engage in mindless and irresponsible speculation. Now, since no one has found the plane, how many viewers believe it landed safely on a remote island and how many believe it was sucked into a black hole? Text your uninformed opinions to CNN, and we'll reveal the results later as though they contain legitimate news value.

Reporter 2: Sorry to butt in, Ashleigh, but I'm here in Ukraine to report that an entire village of disabled schoolchildren has been pistol-whipped by Vladimir Putin. We have shocking live footage and if you just stand by…

Ashleigh (interrupts): Can you ask Mr. Putin if he has any knowledge of the whereabouts of missing Malaysian Flight 370?

Ashleigh: Thanks for that report. You know, Wolf, the search for Flight 370 is the biggest in the history of the entire universe, a fact we repeat frequently to justify our nonstop coverage.

Wolf: Indeed, Ashleigh. Now please stand by as I hold up this plastic airplane model and wave it around.

Ashleigh: I'm sure our viewers appreciate that, Wolf. Now for some additional breaking news: Two Bangladeshi naval ships searched the Bay of Bengal for missing Malaysia Flight 370, but didn't find so much as a luggage tag.