Confused about adoption

Hi guys

Adoption in the last few months has been playing on my mind. I am some what confused about the whole concept. Not the process, but my feelings. DH is adament he doesn't want to adopt. But he was adament he didn't want IVF a few years ago. I have only undergone IVF once, and since that cycle was diagnosed with severe endo, which has now been removed. We haven't TTC since even though we have been told that our chance of natural conception will now have gone sky high. I have my doubts like most who travel the infertility rollercoaster. We have booked a big overseas holiday for next year, through europe, US etc. Then when we arrive home we will TTC again.

My problem is, I would after some long thoughts, rather adopt from overseas, than go through IVF again. I probably sound mad? I would love to have a child that has nothing and give it everything. I know adoption can be a long and exhaustive process, but i believe i am sometimes, more cut out for this than, a biological child of my own.

I don't mean to offend anyone, but maybe this is my path in life... I guess i will have to wait and see, and then see if DH warms to the idea at a later stage!

I understand and don't feel you have offended anyone. I to would love to adopt my DH is not against this but his age is, we have been told that a lot of countries will not even look at you if the father is over 40yrs - how true this is i do not know - if you have more info please let me know. I pretty sure though you have to go through DOCs here for adoption. I have gone thru IVF 5 times and my DH did not want anymore children (DH had two from previous marriage - non with me YET!!!) But he came around and is now hoping we will one day succeed and thats all we can do TRY- Good luck - I know all about ENDO too my sister and niece both have it extremely badly, my sister was told she would never concieve and she now has a beautiful 24yr however the ENDO has now passed onto her and have been told worst case they have ever seen in Australia. What ever you decide to do I hope it turns out just as you want - and have a great holiday
Lissie

Hi Lissie, thanks so much for your reply. Yes the age thing does play havoc with adoption too. My DH is 43, but not all countries have restrictions. If you go into, the DOCS website, google search DOCS adoption, you will find a whole section on adoption and the requirements for each country.

thanks again for your stories about the endo too. I wish you well in your quest for parenthood.

We have begun to seriously look at adoption too. We've given ourselves another year and then we will look at starting the process.

The process looks long and arduous...in WA you start with attending DCD (DOCS) seminars and then you go through a home assessment process (I think)...I think the whole process takes about 12-24 months...

We're still within the age limit...but my understanding was that there wasn't too be more than 40 years between yourself and the child...therefore if you are a little older, the child you are adopting needs to be a little older...

We're not sure if this is the pathway we will be heading down...but are starting to prepare ourselves...lots of people don't quite understand our decision...but until you are in this position, I don't think you can fully understand...

DH is funny with things, he was so not IVF and now he says to me. "Oh we have heaps of money for more IVF treatments, at least another 3 full cycles" He is just one of those people that are adament on something and then suddenly sees the other side. I think maybe his reluctant thoughts on adoption are possbiley because we haven't really given ourselves 100 percent on being parents to our own biological children. Infact with all of that endo in there, our chances of conceiving were about 4 percent!!!!

With the age thing, each country varies. Ethiopia is a country that is strict on age and i think also South America, however, Eastern Block countries arn't.

Leis, I have found that in this journey you really can never truly say what you will and wont do until you are faced with it as your only real option IYKWIM? Im sure I wouldnt have ever considered IVF, then was told it was our only chance - lo and behold suddenly it seemed natural progression for us. There are a few other paths that if I were asked whether I would do right now I couldnt honestly say because until I am faced with it as the only real chance we have of having a family, I cant say for sure.

As you know I wish for you so much happiness. Go on your holiday and enjoy. Im not going to do the "go on a holiday and it will happen" statement, because you and I both know it doesnt work that way, but I truly hope when you do come back your state of mind and emotional self are both in a better place (both you and DH) and you guys will have a clearer perspective on what is next....

I agree, the adoption option is totally confusing and scary and expensive and wonderful. If only it were made a little easier for those people, like you and your DH, who would make wonderful parents to children who want nothing more than love and a family.

Thanks Keen and Caro, I just wish adoption were so much easier, and cheaper. It just sucks that in the States, it is way easy. My sister lives there and she has HEAPS of friends that have adopted. There is only an age limit where the primary carer has to be under 60 or something. And the thing that rattles me big time, is, as if us LTTC and AC people haven't been through enough without the greif that adoption brings with it, by this i mean, time and cost. Hopefully big Bronnie Bishop will get on top of the legislation and make it far easier, cheaper and less time consuming for those of us who so desperatley want to adopt!

We are giving ourselves one more year of TTC and then will be pursuing overseas adoption.

If you don't mind...I have a few questions...if you're not comfortable answering them, no problems...I don't want to pry!

So far, has it been difficult?
What time frame have they given you from beginning of process to picking up your child?
How much say do you have in who you adopt? (e.g. gender, age, etc.)
If you go through the adoption process, if everything meets the criteria, is it 100% likely that you will adopt?

Leis, While your away things are so different, You and hubby will be so relaxed, the pressure of normal everyday life and rountines are not there.
I hope the trip away will be wonderful for you and your DH.

Im in the opposite situation- we are still TTC and now beginning investigating what is wrong with us! lol i dont know how else to write it, but DH is adamnet that we will adopt if we dont have kids. Im not sure of what I want to do. It certaintly is a major thing to work through.

Hi Leis
I have a number of family members who were adopted from overseas as well as a whole host of contacts with varying numbers of children adopted through ICA. Whilst this type of adoption has many wonderful aspects for both the parents and the child, intercountry adoption also has a whole host of other 'challenges' to do with identity. I have seen first hand the struggles these people experienced as children, adolescents, young adults and now adults as a result of being adopted from another country/culture. And these were in families who spent a great deal of time and effort doing all 'the right things' to support their children!

I don't wish to put a dampener on your enthusiasm, rather just bring up the fact that ICA adds another whole dimension of parenting challenges that seem to be trivialised by the latest wave of celebrity adoptions. For example, I think it is just scandalous that Madonna has been able to adopt (or whatever they want to call the process at the moment) a child and then go back to work and not devote 100% of her time to her children. It's even worse given the age of the little boy.

Something you might wish to consider if you haven't done so already, is get in touch with some local ICA support groups, meet some parents and find out about their experiences. These groups are usually small non-profit groups and not under the auspices of DoCS.

I wish you well with whatever path you choose. I know I am so lucky to be expecting my little one any tick of the clock and not be faced with such decisions.

Im not a mum yet, but I have to agree that I dont believe anyone should be criticised for going back to work with a baby. Whether they need to do so financially or not is irrelevant. Mums who work can be just as wonderful mums as those who stay at home.

I wasn't meaning to criticise the choice/necessity of 'normal' women to stay at home or go back to work. The rules here are (or at least used to be) that at least one parent had to be the full time carer of an adoptive child for the first year as it was recognised that they had special needs above and beyond those of a biological child. My point was that celebs seem to be able to write their own rules for ICA and make it look easier than it is.

I have been thinking again... (God help me... this can be dangerous for me) and even if DH and I did have our own children, which I honestly now believe we will when the time is right, we will possibly adopt after we have our own child...

DH as you may of guessed is a fire fighter, and he had to visit the house of some African refugees the other day... and all he could talk about was how gorgeous their children were, and how sad it was for those little 'uns to of had to live/born in a refugee camp for 12 years before coming out to Australia. He went on and on for about 3 days about it.... then proudly stated...'after we have our own child, i think it would be a good idea to adopt'......... God bless him...

we were instructed the same thing when we adopted DS - I was to stay home as primary caregiver - the mother because the child may already have had a few mothers and be confused IYKWIM further about rejection in our DS case.he had had 3-4 foster mothers as well as his own.

adopting is a awesome experince

My Hubby and I have adopted 2 children both locally. What I wanted to say is alot of people have issues with adoption in Australia(justified or NOT), some of the general public have a negative view of adoption(some even have nasty agendas they are pushing) and lot of it has to do with history here in Australia(of course I am not suggesting they are right but its the sad truth with some people). This negative culture has damaged adoption in Australia(just look at the number dropping yearly and the increasing numbers of kids in fostercare!!!), caused harm to children and families and sadly its still can be found today. Leis your Hubby may have negative views that he has unwilling picked up over the years, I would suggest mixing with adoptive families in your area, this will give him a modern and correct view of adoption and just how you can love your adopted kids as much as a bio kid, contact your local ICA group, and attend one of there get togethers. My Hubby didn't feel at first that he would love a child the same if we adopted as we already had a biological child when we adopted, this really worried him as he is a proud and loving father. He was open and honest to the Adoption workers about this and was told that this is VERY common with men, they talked to him about it and we worked though his fears, it was a great experience. The biological link is primal in men, women are wired differently from way back.........thats why women can produce breast milk without being the biological mother of a baby. ITS not that Men want to feel like this, sometimes its just very hard to over ride this.
My Hubby now is the BIGGEST advocate for adoption, he loves our boys beyond LOVE, and he laughs at himself now when he thought about having the doubts he did.
While I agree adoption isn't for everyone, I think sometimes during this very stressful rollercoaster ride called infertility people will act and say things that they might not really mean.
Also I just need to say that we are not rescuing children, saving or giving them the world when we adopt them, we are giving them a oppitunity to grow into wonderful, happy humans. Our kids will not thank us for "rescuing" them and their countries of birth will not consider that our way of bringing them up is any better than theirs...........we need to be very careful when we talk in terms of "rescuing" kids from lives that we consider terrible, this after all is our childs heritage, where their identity, pride and self worth will come from. Our kids from ICA will come with alot of different experinces, they don't always gel with Australian life, and there can be problems with children adjusting(life long sometimes).
All we can do is educate ourselves about adoption, be informed about our childrens histories, culture and embrace it as much as we can.
Good luck everyone, Adoption as BLESSED our lives and I can't imagine life without it!