Court Thirteen veteran and hence random favourite Albert Montanes did what has become inevitable now in every tournament – the “Federer Upset By A Random Player” – and we couldn’t be happier that it was our Alberto!

First there was Baggy, then Ernie, and now there’s Alberto. These boys are all joining a hall of fame for those who “do not care” for The Mighty Fed…. Insert your own names here.

There goes that plan to snag an Estoril title in hopes of bumping up the points and hanging on to #1 by the hair on his chest for the end of Roland Garros and an attempt at Pete’s record. (Though the hair on his chest is a bit strong for a precarious hold. That stuff would be strong as rope.)

For those of you who have been with Court Thirteen from the beginning, you’ll be aware that this blog was named after that gorgeous little corner of Melbourne Park, where there are still patches of dirt left over from construction, where the tram lines make the most noise, and the fans rarely venture.

Where there are no toilet queues, ever, and even the chair umpire isn’t quite sure of the names of who is coming up to play next. Where the security guard gladly shares his order of play with you, and three random people sit down to watch the match. Where the silence of tennis sets in and surrounds you because you’re too far away to hear the mounting cheers from Rod Laver and the show courts.

Court Thirteen is our happy place, and it’s there that we sat down to watch Montanes take on Hernandez in this year’s round one. We may or may not have been trying to gain an audience with a particularly lovable umpire at the time, who sat himself down at Court Thirteen. While chatting with Enric, we kept an eye on little Alberto whose impressive Spanish guns and little Aussie fangirls warmed our heart. He’s now joined the ranks of the Fed Beaters in the universe, and we couldn’t be prouder. VAMOS!

Like this:

I was trying to stay away from Melbourne Park for another day. I had laundry to do, hair to wash, homework to do, that sort of thing. Turns out at 5pm I got an urgent call from my tennis attending mate, R. “I got tickets, inside, Federer Davydenko, get here quick!”

40 mins later I’m in the stadium. Thanks to Steve Fergal’s tennis tours we are front and centre. The AO club are looking at me kinda funny. My thoughts through the match are herein.

Note I got there at the point of the match where Kolya was ripping his way through the second set. Roger was antsy, and his wife and entourage, sitting not far from me, couldn’t even look.

Seven years ago, I went to my first tennis match on Rod Laver Arena. I sat in the front row, behind the players’ chairs, and cheered for this grumpy looking, ponytailed guy wearing an Adidas tie-dyed shirt. He was tied in the 5th set against Nalbandian, and the crowd was evenly divided. Every call of “Go David” was answered with a “Come on…. Roger.”

Of course it was Roger. As he sulked and sulked, lost his concentration numerous times, and changed his shirt three times (which I asked for repeatedly, but he had no interest), his crowd support grew, and by the end of the match everyone was cheering Roger Federer like he was their new favourite player. (By the way, he did lose.)

Which he probably was. Hell, he was mine too.

Seven years later, Roger’s had his turn. He’s won fifteen majors, been in the finals here countless times and everywhere else for that matter. Give someone else a bloody go.

So I’m sitting in Rod Laver, only a few paces away from where I sat that first time, and this time I am willing him to lose it, somehow. For that little Russian man with the bald head and the skinny legs to pull out whatever he’s got, and give it to him.

Mirka’s not far from me, a little to the left and two rows in front. She’s got her head bent over, not happy at all. Her husband is supposedly unflappable, but being this close, you can see him start to lose it. He misses another one, and hits the ball into the net with a vengeance. Roger’s down and he’s not happy about it. There goes Mister “Perfect Sportsman”.

The man in the white cap next to Mirka keeps muttering. Like, really loudly. If I understood German, I guess I’d have Roger’s whole game plan. At least he’s smart enough not to acknowledge he can hear them. But right now, damn the man.

It’s the fourth set, and Roger’s already got two. He gets an early break. Mirka, you can look up now. Being this close, I can feel the pressure, the way these guys must feel it. You’ve got to wonder. I’ve never played any sport professionally but the mental toughness required amazes me. Especially when I think about how young everyone truly is. If I was that talented in anything, there’s no way I’d be a roaring success at 22 – but for some reason tennis players have all done it somehow. I’m kind of craving that sort of discipline.

The game’s turned into a rout – it’s at 15 love and Kolya hasn’t had a game in a while. Then Roger makes an error. The ball flies right in my face before landing back down on court. Damn it can get pretty scary behind the baseline.

I need these people in the crowd to stop cheering for heaven’s sake. I keep throwing in my Davay Kolya just to remind him I’m here. And I want him to win, dammit!

I hear the audience start to get confused. Kolya is coming back a little in this game, and now they don’t know if they want to go for the underdog, as classically Aussies do, or their favourite sportsman in a colour other than green and gold.

I’d like to see a break right about here.

For heaven’s sake. It’s about the twelfth game in a row he’s lost. Mirka is muttering to her crew. Kolya has some sort of magnetic attraction to the net. Nothing is going over the damn thing.

Roger wins a point, and I hear the loudest come on I’ve heard on court since Hewitt. Why does he do that in English? Showman. Grrrr.

That’s it, kids. That’s the match.

The Aussies behind me are talking. Corporate entertaining assists in the lubrication of the vocal chords, so I hear interesting tidbits, like this one: “I feel sorry for Davydenko, mate.” “Yeah, he should practice more.” “Try telling him that!” “I did, mate!”

(These guys are the ones who were sitting behind me, five rows from the front, then moved to the front, centre, AO club area to “see what it feels like”. One of them felt the urge to shriek COME ON DAVY every few moments. I’m cool with that.)

Kolya to serve, and suddenly things aren’t so bad anymore. For a change, he doesn’t’ miss at the net. My fellow member of the Davydenko fan club is charged up. “Come on Davy, just win a game!” Then his beautiful serve gets called out. Sitting at the line, I reckon its an ace, and say loudly, “Challenge!” Kolya hears me. That’s it, methinks. Kolya is going to listen to my advice, and challenge the call, and if he loses it’ll all be my fault.

Luckily I look more like an idiot than I thought, and Kolya wisely keeps his challenges to himself. He produces a beautiful second serve and we’re at 30 love. Next thing you know he’s got the game. For a change.

That’s the plan, Kolya. Break back now, and we can get ourselves a fifth set. Don’t worry about all the people pushing and shoving in the concourse at RLA. They’ll get here eventually. Just win this damn thing and send the Swiss man packing.

Roger fan starts shouting. I start spewing.

BREAK HIM FFS!

What the hell was that ace for?

I’ve decided Roger looks a lot skinnier in the back than he appears onscreen. The man is practically scrawny. Yeah, take that! Scrawny! I’ll look for any insult I can right now.

I’m trying to explain to my friend R how I feel sitting here. “It’s like watching on TV, in real life,” I explain. Close enough to see every little detail, but you’re there and right now, I’m shaking. This is bad for my jaws. Tension. Ouch.

Ha ha. Tee hee hee. That went so wide. Ha ha. Who’s the greatest of all time now, yeah? Yeah!

Oh! I found the Seven commentary box. Gosh I’m an idiot. Been at the tennis every day and never figured out where it was. How does Courier’s ego fit in there?

I hate watching Roger’s little forehand there. He swats the ball like he’s swatting a fly. I used to love watching this man. What’s happened?

My friend is talking really loudly. “He’s wasting his opportunities.” Every time Kolya looks up at the ball boy, I catch his eye. I don’t want him hearing us trash talking the guy. That will just inspire more chokage. And right now there’s an albatross the size of China around his neck.

I do need to say thanks to Steve Furgal’s International Tennis Tours, and Grand Slam Tennis Tours. They’ve been lovely at ensuring we have the best seats at every match.

Nyet Nyet Nikavo. Sometimes, my Russian folk song background gets the best of me. At Youzhny v Gasquet it seemed to help somewhat. This time, it works for a moment and Kolya’s up a tiny bit. Then these aces keep coming out of Roger’s perfectly ironed bum.

Mirka is a little cold, keeps rubbing her hands together – or is it with glee at her husband’s next progression? I think the hotel maid forgot to do the washing, she’s wearing Roger’s sweater.

The stadium roars as he hits another ace. Aren’t they sick of another Federer final? Hasn’t it been long enough?

That ace went in my face.

Now it’s match point. SAVE IT, KOLYA. He hears me, and he does. How lovely. I have a new role as on court coach.

Damn its windy. All people watching on TV probably think it’s a boiling hot Melbourne day. It’s actually bloody freezing and the wind keeps whipping through the arena. Wait for the wind, Kolya – don’t send that serve over.

My mate R: “What happened to his serve?”

Me: Shut up, he can hear you. He will lose confidence. (loudly) DAVAI!

Challenge. I love a bit of Hawkeye action. Of course, I was right. I am after all on the line. So, on-court coach and lineswoman? I could handle that.

It’s at Advantage Kolya. I love this. He saved the match point. Little hope of winning now but at least he can push off the Federer onslaught of oozy smugness. Though the interview guys are already on court. Damn them. Just cos they’re in a hurry to start the night match.

I keep fist pumping as Kolya wins his points. Mirka’s head is in her hands.

Suddenly we’re at 6-5 and Roger is serving for the match again. OMG, the man is actually strutting.

MP. F@# this.

Courier interview? “I tried to stay positive.” That’s crap, mate. I saw you hit that ball into the net for the ballkids and you didn’t look to positive to me. So go ahead and tell all of Australia. Oh wait, the world.

“It was a nice match.” Oh right, was it? Rafa says it was a tough match. Gives credit where credit is due. Roger, life isn’t just about strolling, ffs.

Your new favourite bloggers queued up at Fed Square at the ungodly hour of 9am on a Sunday, raced to RLA where the queues were supposedly shorter, headed home and then back for another hour in queues, only to catch the best seats in the house for what was undoubtedly the best start to a slam in history. In fact, probably the best match of a slam ever… not sure if any of this week’s activities can top this!

Let’s start with the fact that all our faves were present. No one hadn’t been catered for, the lineup was massive. Andy, Rafa, Roger and Lleyton. Kimmy, Serena, and Sammy. Even Bernard hopped in for a serve or three. Next, the amazing camaraderie between the players. The hilarious banter. The snippets of gorgeous tennis they showed us to preview what we have coming up over the next two weeks. It made me wish players would be miked up more often… some golden highlights included:

Andy and Rafa debating over who should serve, who could do it better.

Kim to Novak, re. Serena’s serve: “now you know what we girls have to put up with!”

Roger to everyone, re. Rafa “He’s going to go the backhand then the forehand, then he’ll take it cross court then….” Telling everyone Rafa’s strategies.

Roger to everyone, “He usually plays that one as a half volley…” clearly he knows his opponent all too well!

Rafa, “I can’t serve this one, I don’t have the confidence.”

Rafa re. Tomic, “Let him serve, he just won the US Open, I haven’t won a tournament for….” Starts counting months.

Novak “Yeah I don’t know if I can make it through I might have to retire…”

Kim to Novak, “Ladies first… in that case Novak can serve.”

Rafa “Novak? Should I challenge?”

Roger, “I guess we can use hawkeye… we know that machine doesn’t work anyway. Sorry, I had to get it out!”

Kim to Serena, “Only 121? Come on!”

Andy to Roger: “how you feeling roger? Nervous?” as he prepares to serve. Roger: “The usual”.