Next Time, At Least Bring Wine

At a Glance

It promts, "Tell people a little about yourself." Cards on the table...I have Bipolar...in spades! I also have this cat I love. An orange tabby named Richard Parker (lifted from the novel and movie "Life of Pi.") I mention him first because he loves me, and I love him with an unconditional love. He is wonderful therapy, and often knows what is going on with me before I do. I have a beautiful son, and a husband who is a minister, currently serving as a chaplain for a hospice organization. I'm into this adult coloring. I am always reading. Novels, comics, magazine articles, devotionals and the Bible. I listen to books as well. I love my Kindle Fire. I'm a caretaker for my mom. That one is a long story that will unfold here. I adore song birds and beautiful colored birds. I love zoos and aquariums. Museums, too. However, I have many physical issues holding me back now. That story will be another that unfolds. I love water. So glad I live near a river. Oceans, waterfalls, rain, and I even visited Niagara Falls, flying overhead in a helicopter. I did the latter with a dear friend who I eventually ended up losing because of a crappy manic spell, during which I was apparently a crummy person and friend. That has happened a lot. I think I'm getting better about that because I'm opening up more. I'm working on becoming more vulnerable, transparent and real. This has scared people off, but the ones who stay around, those lovlies have been solid friendships for years.
"Tell people a little about yourself" it prompts. There isn't anything little about me. Even when I was a kid, young, "little" girl, so much lurking, menacing. I think I've been Bipolar forever. I wasn't diagnosed until 2004, however. This was after a terrible manic, psychotic breakdown. In front of my husband. In front of my three year old son. In all of my life, I'll never know what that did to them.
This blog will have two authors. Hopefully three. Depressed, Hypo/Manic. And the third is the self who tries to remain stable, level and walking the line. I hope to share something that might help someone. I look forward to talking with folks, if they so wish. I want people to become educated. I've got a lot I want to do, and I'm sure this will become more and more tailored.
Thanks if you decide to join me in the this journey. Let's survive both the fear and excitement of the BP Roller Coaster.

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Tucked Away

TUCKED AWAY ~ 5.18.18

Don’t most relationships (of any kind) have their ups and downs? Moments we want to hold onto; moments we would prefer to forget?

Sometimes, in writing these blog entries and describing things from a certain point of view, or when I’m in the midst of an episode, it can appear confusing as to how I feel/felt about my loved ones. (Believe me, it’s worse inside my head.) Do you really even have to be Bipolar to understand to some degree what I’m saying? I think so, if people are honest.

Last night’s entry mentioned difficulties with my mom and dad. My mom admits to compartmentalizing periods of her life that caused her pain. They’re tucked away so she doesn’t feel those emotions. Here’s the thing, I was around during those times, so I’m kinda put away on difficult to reach, dusty shelves, as well. It has made for a challenging relationship with her, and I do not agree with her keeping me in the house that she did with my step-father. She knows this. I’m not telling you a secret. But today I wanted to take a minute to say that she has helped me in my life and loved me in the way that she uniquely loves. She’s helped me through back surgeries and a horrible first failure of a marriage. She helped me raise my son when his father left and I was working 60 hour weeks. And we continue to get to know one another in efforts to become closer. We can laugh together, too.

Now my dad. That’s a mess. I can’t describe that right now. Not well, anyway. Problem is, I thought he was one thing, and I learned some disturbing things last year that I still don’t know how to process. Until last year, even though he died when I was 15, I felt he was at the core of molding who I have become. Maybe he still is, but with the things I discovered, I don’t know what that says about me. I’m not trying to be ambiguous here. I’m actually going to begin counseling next week to try to sort some of this because it has really screwed with my head. As I do, I’ll share more. For now, I’ll say that I loved playing catch and football with him, and he taught me to play Spades and kick butt at it.

I’m thankful I have my husband and son. I’ll share more about this journey as it unfolds. Thanks to you all, as always. xo

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4 thoughts on “Tucked Away”

Your open dialog with us is so refreshing. You express your confusion and stumbling blocks in your life with truth and a willingness to explore the deeper parts of your psyche ….. not an easy thing Jen. Good luck with your therapy. Be prepared for painful moments , yet those painful moments and memories will open up blockages in your heart and soul…good luck

i think if we’re honest we all have people – or someone central to our lives who we have highly mixed feeling about as we grow older and realise they’re not exactly who we believed them to be growing up. my dad and i were talking about this today because he was looking for a specific book for a friend of his – someone i’ve always known as a very devout Christian. daddy was saying he wasn’t always that way – then censored himself and said i didn’t need to know about the old days, that a man should be judged on who he’s become not who he was. i could understand, but i think it goes to the issue of compartmentalisation. it’s all a part of who he is – the bad boy and the religious conversion and his good works. denying any part of it presents him as less of a whole and that’s not fair to his history or those he loved and hurt and helped along the way. best of luck, my friend with working through your feelings and accepting the whole of your father. it will be a rough journey, but you have long known how to walk the hard roads.