Wednesday, April 01, 2015

Survivor: Worlds Apart - LEGO - Brodown, I repeat, BRO DOWN

Once again, an episode begins not with the tribe returning from Tribal Council, but with the tribe dealing with the results of the vote the next morning. Shirin describes Tribal as "a little bit of a heartbreaker" & asks Carolyn if her flipping on White Collar means she isn't planning on working with her in the future.

Carolyn tries to tell Shirin that she was nothing but a puppet to Max, & just like Squeaky, Shirin denies it & defends Max. Shirin feels completely on her own, & reflects that it's not unlike her childhood, where she was ostracized & fought to get people to like her. Girrrrl, the Internet is in love with you. You're good now, & now is all that matters. Call me when 11 year old you makes a worst-dressed Buzzfeed list...

In all seriousness, I was always the new kid in school, moving around in the middle of school years with my family, & I looked like ^that^ only soon to have the additions of enormous glasses, a retainer, & the results of a crimping iron. I never made friends easily as a kid. I was painfully shy. I was bullied. I was told I was ugly, & I believed it. There are more stories I could share that would give this more weight, but I'll edit it out like I'm a Survivor producer & just say it sucked. It sucked gigantic monkey balls. But, like Shirin says, you learn to adapt, eventually. You just have to live those experiences, even if it takes a very, very long time to realize that a) you're actually stronger than most people, & b) that those experiences are what developed that strength. Get it, girl. <3

Over at New Escameca, Dan is telling the tale of that time he lost his manties in the water. Rodney is annoyed, & wishes he had someone on his level. Not since Alec & Drew, not since Aras & Vytas, not since Malcolm & Reynold, & dare I say it - not since Stephen & JT, has there been a Survivor Bromance like Joaqney. It's all Bromance memes from here on out, basically. You've been warned.

The Reward Challenge is a vertical obstacle course. Once at the top, sandbags will be launched towards targets. First tribe to hit all their targets wins a reward of watching turtles & eating beef stew, & mac & cheese, &...hot chocolate?

New Nagarote wins & Shirin is happy for more time to try to fit in with the Pink Ladies, the Heathers, the Plastics, the rest of her tribe. She's mildly regretful that they all didn't get sick together just so she would have something else in common with these people. First of all, never try to be common or have things in common, because common is bad because it's common. Nobody strives to be Kevin Jonas - always strive for Nick. But if her wistful delivery expressing regret that the whole tribe didn't get sick doesn't endear Shirin to you, I don't know what kind of monster you are.

After eating their carbs & protein with hot chocolate (seriously, wtf), they head over to the beach to watch turtles migrate to lay their eggs. How I wish I had LEGO turtles, but I don't.

At Escameca, everyone is dreaming of washing down some mac & cheese with a nice hot cup of hot chocolate & no I will not let this go. Joaquin is explaining the tribe dynamics to Sierra - Tyler's trustworthy & Joe is strong.

The next day, Rodney tells Mike that he has Joaquin "like this", while making marionette hand gestures, but clarifying, "like a yo-yo". It really is hard to hate Rodney as much as I know I should. He convinces Mike that they should throw the next challenge. Rodney says it's to ensure Joe doesn't make the merge, but Mike wants to throw to keep his #1 ally, Kelly, safe over at New Nagarote. Awwwww. That's sweet, but we're talking about a lady who is still walking around with bandages on her forehead from the 6 stitches she received after being a badass for her new tribe in a Challenge they still came last in.

^^ Favourite Vine of the season.

The Immunity Challenge to be thrown is a memory challenge, which should be easy to throw. Until Mike is up against Kelly, who, as every live-tweeter was happy to point out, may still be concussed. Mike's acting is so bad it's unclear whose acting school he's a student of - Ozzy's or Malcolm's? Kelly finally manages to get it right, "winning" Immunity for New Nagarote.

At Escameca, Mike is wary of how quickly Joaquin & Tyler pulled Rodney in. Next could be Sierra, he posits. At Tribal Council, Sierra's estrangement from the former Blue Collars is discussed, as is the opportunity that presents itself with a Tribe Swap. Sierra says she felt more comfortable with this new tribe than she did in 11 days with her old tribe. Jeff says "Mike, this is not good news."

Time to vote, votes are misspelled, votes are read, & Joaquin is voted out & is asked to leave the Tribal Council area immediately.

Have you ever seen a parent in a store who has just realized their child is no longer standing beside them? And they're not sure which aisle their child has wandered down, or behind which display they're crouching, so their mind goes to the worst possible place - that some creep has scooped up their child & are currently throwing them in the back of a dirty old van? That look on the parent's face is the look on Rodney's face as the votes are read.

Someone's voting for Joaquin?

Wait - is Joaquin being voted out?

Joaquin IS being voted out!

WHERE'S JOAQUIN?

Follow us on Twitter, where we will document Rodney's despair during the next episode of Survivor: @MomofKai & @SonofMomofKai, & you can follow this blog on Facebook as well!