Everything I know I learned from Bill Murray

In Bill We Trust

The Republicans have Reagan. The Democrats have JFK. But when it comes to the slackers, the joke-crackers, and the devil-may-care smart asses, we have Bill Murray. He is our prophet, our sage, our guru of good times. He is the ultimate wise-guy wise man. He is our Big Toe. Behold the Gospel According to Bill.

• It's possible to smoke two cigarettes and drink a beer at the same time. It's not advisable. But it is possible.

• Don't try to steal your best friend's girl.

• It's OK to cry during Old Yeller.

• Veni, vedi, vici is a poor substitute for "We came, we saw, we kicked its ass."

• Varmints are hard to kill. And no varmint is harder to kill than the Varmint Cong.

• The Star Wars theme song is better with lyrics.

• Chevy Chase is a dick.

• Lucy Liu is a bitch.

• Baby steps. Baby steps.

• A red knit cap never goes out of style.

• Gen. Barnikie owes you money.

• An ice cream scooper can be used as
a sex toy, and a chest is a great place to do the nasty.

• You know the end is nigh when cats and dogs are living together.

• Stay away from Garfield.

• If you walk the razor's edge, you will probably get cut. But the bleeding doesn't last for long.

• Rarely wear underwear and if you do, wear something unusual.

• Baby Ruths can float, but whether they retain their flavor, that's a question we don't want answered.