L: James, you mentioned accountability. Creating a culture of accountability. What does that mean? Can you explain that and how, what it means to parents and kids.

J: First of all, when we start with accountability, one of the things that I talk to teachers and parents about is creating a culture of accountability. And that culture of accountability occurs between two people. So when we talk about what’s on TV, what they’re learning in the movies, what their video games is, that, that’s fine. But the culture of accountability comes with, this is how I’m gonna talk to you and this is how you have to talk to me. This is what I’m gonna expect of you and this is what you can expect of me. That’s very clearly learned out. That you’re accountable for the way you talk to me and treat me. You’re accountable for your responsibilities and you can expect me to take responsibility to be accountable for my responsibilities. I’m gonna pay the rent, I’m gonna have food on the table, I’m gonna make sure that we have a place to live. You have to talk to me appropriately, you have to do your schoolwork and you have to learn how to solve life’s problems without hurting other people.

MG: I think it’s important to note James that a culture of accountability isn’t just a parent child thing. We even as adults need to be accountable; we are accountable every day to someone.

J: That’s right, well, I don’t think people are accountable to a culture. I think that that develops between people. Between individual people and groups. So even personal relationships and work relationships.

L: Work.

J: Work. I’m accountable to that job. I’m accountable to my role in that business. I’m accountable to that business. They’re gonna pay me, that’s what I expect of them, they expect me to do the role that they defined for me. They also expect me to do it with some quality and some efficiency.

MG: So as a parent, what you’re setting your child up for by expecting him to be accountable to you is the whole mindset that you will always be accountable to someone. This is a coping skill. This is a problem solving skill you have to learn.

J: Absolutely. Look, when you hold your child accountable, when you develop that culture of accountability, you as a parent have a responsibility to teach that child to acquire the skills he’s gonna need to be able to be accountable. People who can’t be accountable for their homework disrespect other people. People who can’t be accountable for their behavior turn it around and challenge you and act out. So when you’re having a culture of accountability, there’s a two–way thing. I expect you to do the right thing and you can expect me to teach you how to do the right thing.

MG: So my job as a parent then is to set specific standards, to set specific goals, to set attainable landmarks that a child can say, if I do this, I become accountable. If I do this, I’m behaving responsibly.

J: Yeah, it’s not only setting goals. It’s giving the skills to reach the goal. So let’s say I’m a parent and my goal is that you’re gonna sink five throws from the free throw line in basketball out of ten. Well I just can’t put you up there with a ball and tell you do it, that’s my goal. I’ve gotta show you how to do it. I’ve gotta show you how you place your feet, how you place your arms. How you propel the ball. I’ve gotta spend some time practicing with you. I’ve gotta show you how to do these things and I’ve gotta practice them. So it’s not setting the goals, it’s giving the kid the skills. Acquiring the skills yourself for an understanding of what it takes. Using the tools and using the skills.

James Lehman, MSWChild Behavior Therapist

James Lehman had a very personal understanding of kids with behavior problems. He displayed severe oppositional, defiant behaviors as a child and teenager, and became a Behavioral Therapist specializing in helping troubled children, teens and their families for 30 years.

Janet Lehman, MSWChild Behavior Therapist

Janet Lehman has over three decades of clinical experience working with out–of–control children and teens and their parents. Working in group homes and residential treatment centers, Janet helped children with serious behavioral disorders learn to get their behavior under control.

Kids and Excuses: Why Children Justify Their Behavior

“All day long, all I hear from my kids are things like, ‘It wasn’t my fault! He started it!’ and ‘She called me a name so I hit her.’ All the finger-pointing and blaming makes me want to scream. Why can’t they ever take responsibility for themselves?”

Why do kids make excuses? Here’s the truth: It’s really not as important to know why they do it as it is to know how to deal with their behavior. When you think about it, we all make excuses from time to time. You might know the speed limit, but when you’re pulled over by the police you may try to justify why you were speeding by telling the officer that you were late for work. This is the same thing children do when they say things like, “The teacher didn’t explain the assignment—that’s why I couldn’t do my homework.” And your child is not the only one—all kids try to wriggle out of consequences for their mistakes or for bad behavior. Kids see this happening everywhere—on TV, in the classroom, with their friends and sometimes from us!

Keep in mind that while your goal is to teach your child to take responsibility instead of blaming others, his goal is probably to get out of being punished.

Chronic excuse-making in kids may start out subtly. The trouble begins when blaming others works to get them out of consequences. This is when it can become a much bigger part of their personality, because they’re using it to solve their problems. Keep in mind that while your goal is to teach your child to take responsibility instead of blaming others, his goal is probably to get out of being punished.

Why is it so important to address excuse-making? As your child grows up and becomes an adult, the people in his life won’t accept excuses for his behavior. His high school and college teachers won’t accept them, his spouse won’t want to hear them all the time and his boss certainly won’t put up with it. The legal system doesn’t really care about excuses, either.

As a therapist who worked with tough adolescents in group homes for years, I heard every excuse you can imagine. Instead of getting sucked into an argument, we focused on getting the kids to take responsibility. Sometimes we would catch kids in the act of sneaking out at night, and they’d still try to tell us it wasn’t their fault! Our method of dealing with the situation was to:

Describe the situation objectively: “You were caught sneaking out after lights out.”

State the problem simply and clearly: “It’s against the rules and it’s a safety concern.”

Tell them what the consequences would be: “You won’t be allowed to go on the group outing to the mall tomorrow.”

As the adults in charge of these teens, we did not get into all the reasons why they had misbehaved—we just handled the situation in a businesslike way. This is a good thing to keep in mind as a parent, because all too often we can get sucked into the fighting and emotionalism of the moment and lose sight of the goal: to teach our kids to be more responsible. Here are eight things you can do when your child tries to blame others for his actions:

Catch your child in the excuse. One of the best things you can do is catch your child when he’s blaming someone—or something—for his actions, and then call him out. You can say, “It sounds like you’re blaming your friend for the fact that you came home past curfew without calling me.” Turn it around and let your child know that no matter what, in your eyes they are accountable for their own choices and behavior. Don’t let yourself get confused or drawn into an argument. Stick to the facts.

Focus on the real issue. What is the problem behavior? Is it that your son hits his siblings, or your daughter doesn’t do her schoolwork? Once you recognize the behavior, you can name it and then get your child to look at it. Again, avoid being sidetracked. Be clear about what you see and what happened. Don’t let them get away with changing the subject, because in the end it will only hurt your child who’s blaming everyone and everything for his bad behavior.

Keep it simple. Name the behavior that is the problem (for example, not doing assigned homework), name the choice they made (not asking for help), and then come up with one or two different things your child could do next time. (Ask for help from the teacher or talk friends in class.) Reinforce the plan—and keep it simple.

Do a re-enactment of the incident. Another thing you can say is, “Let’s pretend someone had a video camera and could watch what was going on. What would they have recorded just now?”

Your child: “My sister took my iPod, so I hit her.”

You: “There were lots of other things you could have done other than hit her. What can you do differently next time so you don’t get in trouble?”

Your child: “I don’t know. I guess I could put my stuff on a higher shelf so she can’t get to it.”

If your child can’t come up with an idea, you might help them.

You: “You could also come and tell me about it and I’ll take care of it.”

This works well with kids and gives you—and your child—a more objective way to look at the situation.

Be active. Your role as a parent is to set limits, teach and coach your child. Part of that is to actively teach what is appropriate and what isn’t through role modeling. If we as parents happen to make excuses for our behavior and catch ourselves at it, it’s okay to go to our kids and say, “When I came home from work tonight I was really cranky. I could’ve handled it better—I didn’t need to scream. Sorry for being in such a bad mood. Next time I’ll take some time to relax before I walk through the door after a bad day.” So you’re modeling taking responsibility for the behavior, and you’re letting your family know how you will try to handle it in the future.

Be committed. Commit yourselfto the process of challenging faulty thinking in your child—and keep at it. Just because you’re able to cut past the excuse to the behavior one time doesn’t mean the behavior is going to stop, or that your child won’t find another way to deflect or change the subject. You have to commit yourself to addressing the behavior, and be vigilant.

Stay calm and focused. When you talk to your kids, try to stay calm and focused. Yelling and screaming is not going to help. Sit with your child and look at what actually happened. Review the behavior. “You pushed your brother. There’s no excuse for abuse. How can you avoid this next time?” Doing a role play where your son plays the part of his brother and you play his part can be helpful. During this role play, you can practice what he can do next time this happens. That will give him an additional skill, and will help him not only own his behavior but will also give him a problem solving skill other than hitting.

Be sure to tie the consequence you give him to the behavior.If your child has knocked his brother down, the consequence is for that action. The fact is that your child chose to respond to that situation by using force. All the excuses in the world don’t change that. Maybe his little brother shouldn’t have been there, maybe he shouldn’t have grabbed his cell phone—but it doesn’t take away from the fact that he chose to knock him down.

Making amends: Once your child acknowledges his mistake, have him make amends if the situation warrants it. If your son hit his sister, he may need to write a note of apology or do a chore for her—but after that, move on. It’s a very difficult thing to learn to take responsibility for behavior but once you start, it gets easier. Realize that everyone makes excuses, but the most important piece is taking that responsibility and making amends.

Remind your child that she has choices. It’s empowering to know that we all have choices in life—and that goes for your kids, too. They’re making a choice to either follow the rules or not follow the rules; there is a moment in time when they choose misbehavior instead of the right behavior, or vice versa. If your teen daughter is with friends and realizes she is going to be late for curfew, she has the choice to text you and let you know—or to call and ask for a ride. Blaming her friends for her inability to get home on time is not a valid excuse. She’s not a victim or powerless to change the outcome of her actions each time she steps out of the house. The best part? The more your child takes ownership of her actions, the more empowered—and responsible—she will become.

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Janet Lehman, MSW has worked with troubled children and teens for over 30 years and is the co-creator of The Total Transformation Program. She is a social worker who has held a variety of positions during her career, including juvenile probation officer, case manager, therapist and program director for 22 years in traditional residential care and in group homes for difficult children.

READER'S COMMENTS

I really liked this article. The other day, my son was caught by his dad hitting girls with rocks. We called him out on it, and told him if we ever caught him doing it again, his Wii would be taken away for a week. Yesterday, he was out playing with a friend. One of the other kids was picking on him and his friend. Instead of acting out like he did before, he told his friend to come and get me to take care of it. By the time I got outside, the kid picking on them was gone!!

Comment By : Heidi

I work with a lot of "delinquent" youth and have found your comments and suggestions to be right on the mark to handle the situations. Thanks I still have parents telling me that these techniques don't work because they still want to yell, argue, and threaten in spite of the same poor results.

Comment By : beck b

I liked this article not only because I have children, but I also have a sister in law who often blames others for things she is responsible for and I have been looking for a way to handle her because it is excruciating to talk to her about anything when she is constantly blaming other people or things that were out of her control. This has given me a few ideas on how to handle that.

Comment By : Emmilou

Hi, I need help in handling my 6 year daughter who dont want to listen to my instructions at any point of time.
She disagrees with me what ever I ask her to do though it may be simple.

Comment By : Vidya

Liked this, especially the part about making amends. We haven't given much thought to that-- I'd loved to read more about it, with examples!

Comment By : uncoolmomdotcom

I liked this article and respect highly what you offer to do to help parents to improve their communication gaps with their children regardless of their age. I would love the opportunity to work with you on this subject matter.

Comment By : Rachael

* To “Vidya”: It can be very frustrating when it seems as if your child isn’t listening to you or following directions. We talk with many parents on the Parental Support Line who are faced with similar situations. When dealing with this sort of behavior, we suggest using direct statements, linking the task completion to a privilege and not giving the arguing/disagreeing behavior a lot of attention. As James Lehman would advise, you don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to. For example, let’s say you are asking your daughter to pick up her toys. You would say something to her like “It’s time to pick up your toys. When your toys are picked up, then you can watch television” If she begins to disagree or argue with you, try not to get pulled into the power struggle by walking away. James Lehman addresses backtalk and arguing in the articles Sassy Kids: How to Deal with a Mouthy Child, Sick of Your Kid’s Backtalk? Here’s How to Stop It & Are You Caught in a Tug-of-War with Your Child? “Don’t Test Me!
We hope this is helpful for your situation. Good luck to you and your family as you continue to work through this challenging behavior. Take care.

Comment By : D. Rowden, Parental Support Advisor

I have two teens who do this constantly. My daughter has no problem calling out my son when he does it and vice versa. Ive started to use the techniques outlined here and the kids just stop in their tracks when they start with their nonsense.

kids excuses, justify behavior, acting out, excuse

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to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

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