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March 03, 2017

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People trust us to give them accurate information so they can make the right choices for their health care needs. We work very hard every day to earn that trust. But we’re not perfect. There’s no good way to tell you this, so we’ll just say it: Suppositories were a practical joke that got away from us.

We just told you to stick pills up your ass as a goof, but you guys took us seriously, so we just kind of ran with it. We never meant to let things go this far, and we are truly sorry.

There were so many times over the years when we wanted to tell you, but the longer the situation went on, the harder it was to bring it up. As you can imagine,it’s pretty awkward to say tell someone that they’ve been misled into shoving pills up their butthole for no reason. Sure, we had a lot of laughs, but on some level, we knew what we were doing was wrong.

I know you’re probably upset right now, but hopefully over time, you’ll give us the chance to earn back your trust. We can do better, and we will.

You have to admit though, it was pretty gullible of you to believe something so ridiculous. I mean, some guy in a lab coat tells you to stick pills in your ass,and you just go along with it? If someone told you to cram the Brooklyn Bridge up your caboose, would you do that too?

By the way, the pharmacists were all in on it.

While it’s true that some people’s ailments have been cured after they inserted the suppositories into themselves, rest assured that was just the placebo effect.Suppositories are sugar pills. That’s it. Damn, we got you so good. Walking around with sugar in your ass. Classic.

Now that we’ve got that unpleasantness out of the way, we wanted to let you know about an amazing new miracle cure for diabetes that involves hammering raisins into your dick hole.