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1.12.2010

i'm wearing a pair of long, gray, wool socks for the third day in a row. i ate a leftover waffle from two days ago for lunch today. i finally gave in to a pile of laundry that has now left my entire apartment acting as a drying rack. i started reading a book again that i initially started reading in july. it took some serious effort to get out of the house today to do my weekly grocery shopping at the co-op. i thought about beginning an essay about the earth. i thought about making pretty tote bags and mounting my photos on some pretty bamboo. i ended up knitting while listening to the news. i don't know what i'm knitting. but it's soft because the wool came from a baby alpaca. thought about how i think about myself and why. where did these beliefs come from? digging in this manner is usually quite uncomfortable. so i did some crying, and wondering. wondering how on earth you get away from things rooted so deep? are these roots good and strong? no. do they need digging? yes. they are rotten and debilitating. this old tree has stopped growing, and could fall very hard indeed. so i will keep digging and digging and digging. this digging will leave me hurt in some ways, but more alive in other ways. this i believe.

I can sympathize. I go through this every new year, it happens to fall close to my birthday. Another year past and what have I accomplished? Am I who I want to be? I to do some crying and moping, but it shall pass and I'll better myself for this year. Then the cycle will begin again next January.

At least you're examining yourself and are not content to remain the same. Happy digging.

You have such a lovely way with words, even when writing about challenges. This post reminds me of this quote a friend sent today:

"Ultimately our gift to the world around us is hope. Not blind hope that pretends everything is fine and refuses to acknowledge how things are. But the kind of hope that comes from staring pain and suffering right in the eyes and refusing to believe that this is all there is. It is what we all need - hope that comes not from going around suffering but from going through it." -Rob Bell