Trump calls for ban on electricity entering the US

Thoughtful: moments after the static left his hair looking like this, Trump hatches his plan for containment and annihilation

Donald Trump has called for a national ban on electricity today, after suffering a ‘static attack’ that completely ruined his carefully coiffured hair.

The Republican presidential hopeful was just entering a revolving door when he received an electric shock, caused by a perfect storm of rubber soles, nylon carpet, and a bloated bag of wind.

Trump immediately called a press conference, launching a tirade against “Un-American electricity that hides in the carpet, or the wall, or the air, and then leaps out at decent upstanding folk, spoiling the integrity of their hair and minds.”

Trump added “Only a complete ban on all elec-TRICK-ity would suffice to make the US safe – at least until some sort of sciencey experts have figured out just what electricity is, and how we can destroy it.”

The eccentric billionaire has announced that as president he would immediately make it a criminal offence to use electricity, and would gather up all the remaining electricity hiding in the country, put it into sacks weighted down with stones, and throw it into the sea.

“For too long have we allowed this freakish, ungodly force to dwell amongst us!” Trump said in a CNN interview this afternoon.

“If any electricity manages to survive the cull that Trump will introduce, then Trump – arming himself only with a metal trident – will challenge it to a fight-to-the-death in a swimming pool, mano a mano!” Trump trumpeted.

“America needs to know that in Trump they have a president they can trust to go round sticking sharp knives into all the powerpoints in the country if he has to, until this deadly scourge is finished forever!”

On leaving the building Trump and his aides were caught in a brief rain shower, during which the Republican shook his fists at the sky and bawled “You’re next, clouds!”