“The truth, so help me God, dammit,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, “is that Republicans, if we believe in nothing else, believe in family values. Well, the other thing we believe is that America should never have had a black president.

“To that end we do everything we can to stymie his presidency, even when he does things that are good for us and we know it. Like in my state of Kentucky we had the most people registered for Obamacare in the country and then we elected a governor, who along with myself, vowed to get rid of it. Don’t people know that health care is a privilege, not a right? This is about family values.

“Even though we’re not great believers in science, unless we agree with it, or pay for it, this stuff we do is in our DNA even though we don’t really believe that DNA stuff either.

“My old friend, Bob A, once told me, ‘ignorance is a stop on the way to stupidity.’ He sure got it right.”

The chairman of the House Science Committee, Lamar Smith (R-Texas) is confident that concern about climate warming is fear mongering by Democrats who are pushing their Socialist agenda. “I mean, really,” he drawled, “the weather here in Texas is just beautiful. We get so many 100 plus degree days in December that I’m never cold and have saved, and this is good for our citizens too, beaucoup bucks by doing less laundry, not me, my wife (family values) I mean, because we wear less clothes. We do use air conditioning a lot but what’s that got to do with harming the ozone layer, if there really is an ozone layer. I mean have you seen the ‘ozone layer’ mentioned in the Bible?“

I have an old friend, Bob A, who once told me, ‘ignorance is a stop on the way to stupidity,’ and I agree with him.”

House Majority Leader Paul Ryan, who grew a beard to look smarter and put some gray into it to look older, agreed on a $1.1 trillion budget that raises the deficit by $66 billion. Ryan said they will blame the deficit increase on the president. The bill did not include a rider that would finance medical research into gun violence. “We have to protect second amendment rights, the only ones that are sacrosanct, for people who feel the need to initiate mass murders,” said Ryan. “Having principles is important in politics. The families of the people killed in San Bernadino have to understand that their loss protects the liberties of the citizenry as a whole, as do the parents of Sandy Hook whose children were heroes of the second amendment. So does my insistence that people on the terrorist no-fly list be allowed to purchase fire arms. They’re not going to be able to take down an airplane because they won’t be able to get on one. It’s a win-win.

“Besides, those people aren’t responsible because they are crazy and we will make sure that we cut funding for mental health research and treatment. Actually, the homegrown ones are mentally ill and the others, the Muslims, are terrorists. There is a difference. Ask the families of the dead.

“America is the freedom to buy guns and high-powered ammo, the same that countries use to defend against foreign invaders, and the freedom to use the weapons on family, neighbors, and people we only know for some reason we want to be dead.

“I have an old friend, Bob A, who once told me, ‘ignorance is a stop on the way to stupidity.’ I wonder what he meant.”

Chris Christie, who never saw a meal he refused, used to invite Muslim leaders to the governor’s mansion to have their evening meal, Iftar, that breaks the Ramadan fast. “My Muslims were good Muslims, but now they are terrorists like all the others. I think some of them stole silverware to cut up and use as shrapnel in homemade IEDS. New Jersey will no longer be a state that allows new Muslims in, especially those under five years old who have a lifetime ahead to learn the trade of jihad. I vetoed a bill for extra background checks for gun licenses for mentally ill people because I need them. If the bill had specified mentally ill Muslim terrorists I would have signed it.

“My old friend, Bob A, once told me, ‘ignorance is a stop on the way to stupidity.’ Did I tell you I was running for president and climbing in the polls?”

The milk of human kindness was spilled on the ground at the Republican debates and seemingly scooped up by their constituents who take every incident of mean spiritedness as a reason to bump them up in the polls. “We are really bad people,” said Ted Cruz, “so bad that even the Koch brothers are rejecting us. And we only say all that bad stuff while they, the Koch brothers, actually do really bad stuff. If one of us is elected, and why would any electorate in its right mind elect us, we promise to do really bad stuff, too.”

“My mother, Mary Anne, said to me a long time ago, ‘Donald, don’t you ever shut up? Never Mom, I said,’ said Candidate Trump. The more shit I spew the more people like me. What a great country.”

Bob A’s old friend, H. L. Mencken, said, “Democraccy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard.“