The Catholic population of the United States has shifted away from the Northeast and towards the Southwest, while secularity continues to grow in strength in all regions of the country, according to a new study conducted by the Program on Public Values at Trinity College.posted by finite at 5:48 PM on March 9, 2009

6 minutes of crazy jesus people was too much for me... I bailed about 30 seconds.posted by HuronBob at 5:58 PM on March 9, 2009 [7 favorites]

I want to see a holy war break out between the Cattites and the Toastites, arguing which is the one true Jesus. While the tiny splinter sect, the Bucket-of-Filthites waits in the wings to take on the winner while they are weak.posted by MrVisible at 6:12 PM on March 9, 2009 [3 favorites]

It's funny how people always say it's Jesus and not, say, Kenny Rogers or the guy from Home Improvement or cortex for that matter.
A member of Deep Purple?
You know? It's never, "holy shit, it's Dennis Wilson from the Beach Boys on my toast."posted by chococat at 6:16 PM on March 9, 2009 [12 favorites]

HuronBob, do yourself a favor and hold on (or skip ahead) to about four minutes in. That's when they start talking about the phenomenon of cheese buns resembling J.C. and the story of how the Internet caught on and dubbed them 'Cheesus'.
Hollywood couldn't make that shit up.posted by mannequito at 6:31 PM on March 9, 2009

Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing* that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth... Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me

The Catholic population of the United States has shifted away from the Northeast and towards the Southwest, while secularity continues to grow in strength in all regions of the country, according to a new study conducted by the Program on Public Values at Trinity College.

Shocking! Trinity University finds Catholicism to still be relevant! What next, Oral Roberts University finds that Evangelicals love Jesus?posted by Pollomacho at 7:21 PM on March 9, 2009

Human interest stories will be our downfall.posted by cjorgensen at 7:54 PM on March 9, 2009

The best was when the newsanchor goes "Jesus...or a bucket of filth?!"posted by Falconetti at 7:58 PM on March 9, 2009

You gotta wonder, for every Jesus-item reported there's probably 5 or 10 fat bastards who see a face looking up at them out of their chocolate cake and just dive in, and after they feel too guilty to tell anyone. Would you want to admit to eating a whole Jesus in under two minutes?posted by mannequito at 8:03 PM on March 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

I have a Jesus fish in my pants.posted by emelenjr at 8:27 PM on March 9, 2009

I once spotted what was *unmistakably* the likeness of a driveway oil stain in a painting of the nativity scene.posted by jeremy b at 8:48 PM on March 9, 2009 [5 favorites]

What about booger Jesus?
posted by Meatbomb

While we're on the theological booger tip, I'm reminded of the the time in third grade that I asked a nun in Catechism class (back when you had to fast overnight before communion) if eating a booger counted as breaking your fast. She said eating was putting anything in your mouth and swallowing. But what if, I asked, you were to snort the booger into your mouth, then spit it up in the air without touching it, and then caught it in your mouth, and swallowed it? Does that count? She sent me to the principal's office.posted by StickyCarpet at 9:08 PM on March 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

"Some people said they couldn't see it. I don't know if it's the spiritual level you have to be at to appreciate this picture or...."

Once a bunch of my friends where sitting on my parents back porch and I was kind of looking at one of their shirts and I giggled (oh yeah we were all on acid, which is kind of important the story). My friend was like what are you giggling at? And I was like "nothing, just the picture of jim morrison on your shirt is tripping me out". So he looks down and was like, "What the fuuck maan this is just a plain whi... WHAT THE FUCK MAN THE SPIRIT OF JIMMY IS ON ME!" and he takes off running into the yard yelling that over and over trying to wipe jim morrison's ghost off him and we laughed and laughed.

They did say Christ would return. Apparently in thousands of cameos embedded in mundane objects. Who saw that one coming? Not me. Thief in the night thing going on there I guess. But I've got a shotgun and I think a thief wouldn't get very far in my house. I'm not saying I'd shoot Jesus, but in the night, you don't know who it is. Maybe it's a dog. But dogs don't appear in images in mundane objects. Or at least it's not foretold in the bible that dogs will return to the house like thieves in the night. And you can't shoot 'em. Dogs I mean. Not your own dog anyway. Not unless they're sick and dying.
And even then Jesus, if he's back, he could heal them.
So, uh...what the hell am I talking about?posted by Smedleyman at 10:24 PM on March 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

In eighth grade, some of the ninth graders (my school is 7-12 jr high/high school) spread a rumor that the pope decreed that the image of the virgin mary would appear on every home's microwave plate for two weeks.

During art class, two kids ran into the classroom to check the plate, and were crying because they thought they saw it. My art teacher waited for them to leave and then picked it up, and said, "I guess if you wipe the grease this way...."

Later we checked all the teacher's microwaves, saw nothing. As a dirty heathen I wasn't even sure if I knew what the Virgin Mary looked like. Later the truth came out, obviously.posted by mmmleaf at 11:54 PM on March 9, 2009

Who are Jesus' marketing people? And why are they concentrating so downmarket? For 2009, I'd urge a radical demographic shift: Jesus on Escalade fenders; Jesus on Moet Chandon corks; Jesus on Tiffany engagement rings... They're already hemorrhaging market share. Upmarket before it's too late!posted by terranova at 1:00 AM on March 10, 2009

Look, if we crucified you, buried you, you rose from the dead and started appearing all zombie-apparition like to your pals, assumed you into heaven, then brought you back in the form of a loaf of bread that we blessed and cut up into quarter sized wafers, do you think anyone would recognize you?posted by Reverend John at 6:14 AM on March 10, 2009

How come no one ever sees Jesus in a Communion wafer?

Trick question! Answer: because Jesus is the communion wafer!posted by Pollomacho at 7:12 AM on March 10, 2009

No, the wafer is the body of Christ. The wine is the blood. So you have to mix the two and then stir it with quickness.posted by storybored at 9:45 AM on March 10, 2009

Funny story. I once got kicked out of IHOP for trying to make Ice Christ, with non-dairy creamer, fake maple syrup, a shaker of salt, two glasses of ice water, and a communion wafer that I sneaked out of church.posted by found missing at 9:49 AM on March 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

I was embarrassed to recognize the logo of one of my local stations, introducing the Jesus Kitty. Also, the mention partway through of "Jesus on a Stick" made me really wonder about just what exactly they're serving fried at the State Fair this summer.posted by caution live frogs at 9:54 AM on March 10, 2009

It's funny how people always say it's Jesus and not, say, Kenny Rogers or the guy from Home Improvement or cortex for that matter.

I don't do product placement.posted by cortex at 10:32 AM on March 10, 2009

I don't do product placement.
posted by cortex at 12:32 PM on March 10 [+] [!]

Maybe you oughtta look into it, I've never even heard of you.posted by kingbenny at 1:50 PM on March 10, 2009

Jesus on a stick.......ouch.posted by micklaw at 2:53 PM on March 10, 2009

Jesus on stuff is so last millennium. A couple of months ago I saw James Brown in a smear on a Huddle House window in Augusta, GA.

Jesus did say he was the living bread. He also said that if any man eat of this bread, he shall live forever, which seems to indicate that it's a dire mistake to sell your Jesus Toast to Golden Palace Casino. Chow down on Christ, ya idiot, don't sell him!

[Jesus said], I am the Toast, ye are the toasters: He that toasteth me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much peanut butter and jelly: for without me ye can do nothing. If a man abide not in Toast, he is cast forth as a croutons, and is dried up; and men gather them, and stir them into stuffing, and they are placed inside the chicken.

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