"I've had a lot of offers from people to do my own maternity range but I don't think it is the right message to send to young Britain. I'm not the best example. I'm pregnant and a bit young, aren't I? My demographic is generally young girls, so I don't think a maternity line is suitable. It isn't the best impression to give them."

This seems to imply that Allen thinks that you're not setting an example until you've been paid to do some work - so, the actual pregnancy is neither here not there, but the kids won't be affected providing you don't pop up doing a photo shoot in Top Shop.

As if to demonstrate that, you know, he's not such a grumpy old man, Morrissey has given twenty grand to Salford Lads' Club. Like the secret millionaire did in The Secret Millionaire, but without hanging about the place pretending not to be a millionaire. The club - which featured on a Smiths record sleeve despite not being Pat Phoenix or someone like that - is currently in the midst of a massive fund-raising drive to repair the fabric of the building.

Friday, December 28, 2007

It's nice to know that Gordon Brown had the time to send a note to Rhydiann. Downing Street refuse to say what was in the note - a "personal matter:, apparently - but we suspect it might be based on some sort of understanding what it's like to take second place to a bland but more charming man.

To be fair, Gordon's column this morning does lead with a fairly alright-of-its-type slushy Rhys Ifans/Sienna Miller story - apparently Sienna's having an "age crisis". She's about to turn 26.

Even more surprisingly, there's a strong, almost journalistic piece, which reports that Pete Doherty seems to have lifted lyrics for a track on Shotter's Nation from a song by the Britanarchists. Oh, and the song, Baddie's Boogie, might also have had its music ripped off from Babyshambles' Mik Whitnall's former Ferryman bandmate Wayne Kenyon.

Now, it could all be down to coincidence, or maybe even homage. But Babyshambles' people seem to be somewhat reluctant to discuss the issue.

So, yes, two actual stories in Bizarre. Wonder if Gordon's on holiday.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

You have to feel a pang of sympathy for Shane McGowan. Having reached his 50th birthday - against, it should be noted, enormous odds - on Christmas Day, he might have expected some praise. A reassessment of his career. Perhaps a South Bank Show special.

Instead, he ended up doing this. On his 50th Birthday. On TV:

And we know it's possibly being a little over-sensitive, but is it really all that funny to replace a woman who died in the sea with a person dressed up as a beluga whale?

As if her legal troubles in Britain weren't bad enough, now the Norwegian drug possession case which everyone thought had been settled through a swift fine payment is flaring up again: she's been summoned to appear before a Norwegian court in February. Assuming, of course, she's not already having to deal with fall-out from the whole Blake-perverting-justice business. Nobody seems entirely sure why the Norwegian court wants Winehouse back, but we bet Bergen can't wait for the economic miniboost of the paparazzos and journos turning up en masse.

We might be getting confused as festive cheer starts to sink down over our ears, but is it a traditional career curve to move from a company's mainstream network to the younger, more left-field sister station?

A new patent reveals that the next iPods and iPhones could automatically calculate how long a person has been listening, and at what volume, before gradually reducing the sound level.

It states: "Since the damaging effects on users' hearing is both gradual and cumulative, even those users who are concerned about hearing loss may not behave in a manner that would limit or minimise such damaging effects."

So, the longer you listen to your music player, the less you'll be able to hear it. Which is, of course, the same thing that happens if you don't have this technology built-in to it.

There is a broader question, though: if this is such an important, humane idea - and it is - why are Apple patenting it, rather than sharing it for everyone's benefits? Do people with Zunes deserve to lose their hearing or something?

When we lived in Liverpool, reviewing bands for the mighty Ink magazine, it was always nice when Ella Guru turned up for a look-over, so it's great to hear the band are still a functioning unit.

Great, but somewhat surprising to find out that Nick Kellington from the band has a secret double-life as Igglepiggle in In The Night Garden. Perhaps the most surprising indie/kids TV crossover since the host of Blue's Clues quit to make an alt-rock album.

Once again, Gordon is kept apart from the big story of the day: that, having failed a drug test, Blake Fielder-Civil has been put on a less laid-back remand regime.

Curiously, the failed drug test was mentioned in Rav Singh's Amy Winehouse kidnap plot story in yesterday's News of the World, but Singh lost the point in his excitement to extrapolate the possibility of Winehouse being bundled into the back of a taxi and held in a barn in the woods.

But Gordon doesn't know who Martin is buying for - it could be that these are gifts for vague friends-of-friends, for whom a fairly pricey electrical item could be considered almost over-generous. Or it could be an extra gift. Or it could be someone has asked him for a vacuum cleaner. And since when did the value of gift reside in how much it cost?

Gordon has also gone through the cuttings:

Henry is fast becoming the biggest name in the world of celeb vacuuming.

The jolly red appliance, which costs £100, is a favourite of sex-mad comedian RUSSELL BRAND. He used to pleasure himself with a Henry when he was a confused teenager.

Or, at least, he said he did as a joke.

Still, Gordon has other things to fill his page with, such as calling Girls Aloud "tarts", and having a go at the "ginger one".

This is something of a festive delight: Rich Aucoin has - inspired by the claims of the Dark Side Of The Moon being synced to The Wizard Of Oz - produced an album which syncs with How The Grinch Stole Christmas. Seuss re-sussed. It's on the YouTubes.

There might be a growing suspicion that her appearance on I'm A Celebrity hasn't exactly done much for Cerys Matthews' gravitas. Indeed, now her sideshow romance with comedy figure Marc Bannerman has turned into something akin to a game of Totopoly. Bookies are taking bets on the chances of her getting married.

Oh, and divorced:

Marc, who dumped his long-term girlfriend to hook up with Welsh singer Cerys Matthews, has odds that he will marry the Catatonia star next year are 9/1. And there are similar odds for a subsequent divorce - at 8/1.

"The jungle drums haven't stopped beating since Marc ditched his girlfriend and started looking for a house where he could set up a love nest with Cerys," said Dave Metcalf, from Betfred.

So, in effect, Betfred's odds are suggesting that Matthews and Bannerman are more likely to divorce than they are to get married. We're not sure that's entirely possible.

Aw, bless: Sinitta has become a mum, just in time for Christmas. And - somewhat surprisingly - her adoption process was a standard, slow, careful consideration.

Although Sinitta does admit that she tried to pull a string, in a half-hearted way:

Around that time Madonna came back from Malawi with baby David and her own adoption plans, and Sinitta became even more desperate for a child. "I rang the social worker in tears," she recalls. "I said, 'I know I am not a big, big celebrity like Madonna but please can you speed it up?'"

The News of the World, it's only fair to say, does sometime manage to do the right thing, if only by accident. It's discovery that Mel B pocketed a ten grand cheque from the Make-A-Wish foundation for a fundraising event has managed to prick the Spice Girl's conscience:

When the News of the World contacted her Agents ICM at 5pm Friday, they took four hours before calling back at 9pm to say she would not comment.

By 11.30am Saturday there'd been a rethink. Her British spokeswoman contacted us to say the fee would be donated to kids' hospitals in America, adding: "The cheque's in the post."

Of course, the ten grand is still ten grand that the Make-A-Wish charity doesn't have - that's something like nearly three thousand packs of Father Christmas cards to make up.

GANGLAND mobsters are threatening to KIDNAP troubled rock star Amy Winehouse unless they get a ransom of £100,000.

Usually, of course, the ransom demands come after the kidnap, but then the news story usually follows the actual kidnap.

It's very brave of Rav to publish a "pop star at heart of kidnap threat" story in the News of the World after the last one. You might recall when the Victoria Beckham to be kidnapped story came to court, the whole thing collapsed when it turned out the paper had paid £10,000 to a convicted criminal for the inside details:

The judge said on Monday he was minded to refer the whole matter to the Attorney General "to consider the temptations that money being offered in return for stories concerning celebrities give rise to".

Still, we're sure that Rav's impeccable sources - "our man on the inside" of the jail where Blake Fielder-Civil has supposedly been getting these threats - has got all the facts straight and hasn't cooked up the whole thing for a cash payment.