Feeling the warmth of the sun on a cloudy day. A glimpse into a blind billy goat's unique, ever changing perspectives.

2013 01 25 From The Bottom Of My Heart January 25, 2013

I’m not really sure where to start this blog post, so, I think I might as well start it from where I’ve started all the rest, from the beginning.

I was diagnosed with a brain tumor last week. It’s in the left temporal region of my soggy mush melon, right in behind my prosthetic eye. It’s in an area that proves to be quite tricky, and is also appearing to be in an inoperable location. I had been noticing some odd things happening to me over the last few weeks, so, with persistent worrying from my wife, and myself as well, I contacted my family doctor, and my ophthalmologist. Knowing about my history with cancer, my eye doctor directly ordered a CT scan, which is how they discovered the tumor. It has grown quite large, and has caused my eyelid to swell, as well as some uncomfortable pressure in behind the eye and some sinus-like pain.

I am scheduled to go to Tufts Medical Center in Boston for a preliminary appointment next Wednesday, as after examining the scans, none of the nuro teams here in Maine feel that they can do anything with the growth. There are a few cutting edge options and procedures available in Boston that might prove beneficial, and I am trying to stay optimistically positive.

I am getting much needed help in the form of prayers and support, from family and friends, and would be completely lost without it. Thank you all so very, very much.

I’m not sure what’s going to happen with this, but as I said, I am trying to remain positive, and know that what ever happens, I will be ok. This is proving to feel like just another bump in the road. I was talking to my folks the other day, and told them that it was indeed just another bump in the road, and my wife said to me in the back ground, “You mean, it’s just another bump in your head.” I started laughing, and told my folks what she said. They started laughing, and I almost pee’d my pants. I guess that’s how my family has always managed to get through difficult times. We search out, locate, and share the humor, wherever we can find it. Its medicine for the soul, and it is absolutely free. No prescriptions, no appointments, no tests, just good old, whole hearted humor.

I am already a cancer conqueror, having beaten back this monster once already as an infant. I suppose I should recoil a little. I am not sure that this tumor is cancer yet. It has not been diagnosed as such, but it is growing, and needs to be addressed either way. It needs to be dealt with, and if it is in fact malignant, then I suppose I will have to go through some of the traditional methods of treatment.

I started my blog with a post about how much I hate cancer. I started this blog back in early summer of 2011, and have written over eighty posts since then. I have found so many things to write about, and have learned quite a bit about myself in the process.

I guess it’s time to learn a little bit more.

For those of you who already knew about this news, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support. It means more to me than I can ever accurately describe. It means the world to me, and it’s so wonderful to have people in my life who are not only a form of inspiration for me, but are also a source of faith and hope. It’s amazing how quickly the people you meet can have such an impact in your life. It’s amazingly wonderful, and incredibly humbling.

Like I was saying, I first wrote a blog post about cancer, and how much I hate it. I wrote about how sly and clever and rude and incredibly selfish cancer is. I wrote about how a soul is strengthened, having gone through and broken free from its clutches. I wrote about how strong the will is, and how important it is to have the support of family and friends.

I am blessed with both, and very grateful that I do not have to go through this alone, very grateful indeed.

My last post, I wrote about being right where we are supposed to be, right here, right now. We don’t have to know why, or understand it, we just are meant to, be. It’s all one big lesson for us, and a lot of the times, I feel like I am still in kindergarten, just learning my A,B,C’s. That was quite a simple time back then, and most of what I did learn back then is part of me now. One stepping stone, after another. One left turn, followed by a right, then another left, and “Presto!” you’re right where you’re supposed to be.

Through all of the struggles and trials and hurdles and obstacles, we learn. Through all of the sadness and pain and laughter and sorrow and joy and curiosity, we continue to learn, every minute of every day. As we learn, we also learn how to learn. We take what we feel we need, then we take it and run with it, using it whenever we feel the urge.

I have been feeling the urge lately, so I guess it’s time to take what I have learned, and use it to learn just a little bit more.

I realize that I have forgotten way more than I have remembered, but the most important things, I feel as though I still remember. I remember how to get back up, dust off, and jump right back into it, with both fists flying and both feet moving. Never give up, and never underestimate the enemy. Cancer is a ruthless enemy that doesn’t ever care a whit about anything but itself. I am who I am, not because of cancer, but in spite of cancer. I am who I am because I have absorbed, adapted, and advanced. Another blog post of mine. Smile.

I am right here, and with help and support, I am ready to do battle. I might get knocked down, or pushed to the side, or shoved backwards, but you can bet your rear ends that I will keep trying my best to move ahead.

I think I am stubborn, like my father, and yes, my mother as well. I don’t like no for an answer, and I am not satisfied, until I am satisfied, or a close facsimile henceforth, to whit, and there of.

What the hell am I saying? Was I supposed to type that? Am I supposed to question myself? I suppose I should, I mean, my wife always does, and with good reason I might add.

I love you Cub. xo

Well, here I go, off again, onward through the fog, and hoping for it to lift, so the sun can come poking through.

I know this post is going this way and that, but seeing how my mind is swaying to and fro, I wouldn’t expect anything else. After all, it’s what I’m supposed to do, exactly where I am.

Through it all, with my family, friends, and a comforting hand upon my shoulder from God above, I will be alright. I can feel it.

Have a wicked good day all, and once again, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

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5 Responses to “2013 01 25 From The Bottom Of My Heart”

Beloved Bro,
Your courage and tell it like it is honesty, once again, knocks me to my knees. Clearly, you’ve heard from many of your fans, and realize how much you are loved. Keep all of these prayers and support and hold them close to you through the days ahead. We’ll all be with you in spirit and energy. Through your words we’ll keep learning with you. Thanks for being one of our teachers on this journey of life on school- house earth. Love you. PJ

My Dearest Cuz,
You are a blessing from God, and I am so grateful that we have connected……
Losing my dad two years ago tore my heart out, then the loss of mom! Your
Mom and Dad, Paula and you reached out to all of us, helping to heal our
hurts…..I can’t thank you enough for being here for all of us, our parents are
looking down from heaven smiling at you all! Thank you for being you……..
If there’s anything you need please know we are here for you!!!!! Praying!!!!
We love you Deon!!!!!!
Paul and Dee

Hi Deon, It’s Darlene Berry Warren (Paula’s friend) and all I know is that you are your sister’s brother! I am so proud of you for all of your courage, postive attitude and teaching all of us what is so truly important – staying in the moment! I send you lots of love, prayers and support throughout this journey. Best to you and your family!

MOM HERE….this blog is proof to all of us that know and love you that we continue to learn from you..draw strength from you courage and realize we all are here because of a stronger power than we control and we just have to hang on for the ride and keep faith we jumped on in time and will end up where god intends us to. WITH HIM AGAIN AS WE WERE IN THE BEGINNING . YOU ARE MY INSPIRATION SON. NOW AND FOREVER……MY ETERNAL LOVE TO Y OU.