The following text is a copy from
this location.
It is the script for the Simpsons episode containing Homer's gastronomic
quote. But if you want to use the links, you should go to the
source location. The direct link to homer's quote is given above.

Bart's Friend Falls in Love

Bart's Friend Falls in Love Written by Jay Kogen and Wallace Wolodarsky
Directed by Jim Reardon

TV Guide synopsis

The love bug bites Milhouse, leaving him little time for Bart; and Marge
orders a subliminal message weight-loss tape for Homer, who doesn't
understand why he's still gaining.

Driveway

Couch

The couch tips over backwards, sending them through the wall.
Recycled from [7[FG]24].

Quotes and scene summary

Homer's change jar twinkles atop his dresser. Bart cautious approaches
and swipes it. Homer's rumbling form appears. ``Why you little...''
Bart makes his escape through the house, barely exiting through the garage
door as it closes. (For that added dramatic touch, he has to reach back
inside for his lucky red hat.) He hops aboard the school bus and tips his
hat good-bye as Homer shouts incoherently.
Bart takes his seat next to Milhouse, who shows him a `Magic Eight Ball'
his father bought for him at the Circus of Values.
Bart: Cool! An oversized novelty billiard ball!
Milhouse: Yeah, you shake it up and it tells the future!
Bart: Really?
Milhouse: Uh huh.
Bart: [takes it] Will I pass my English test? [shakes it]
[reads] ``Outlook not so good''.
Wow, it <does> work!
-- Ask me no questions, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
Milhouse gives it a shot. ``Will I get beat up today?'' The ball says,
``All signs point to Yes.'' Nelson pokes his head over the seat. ``That
ball knows everything.'' He slugs Milhouse. Bart takes the ball and asks
if he and Milhouse will be friends forever. ``Don't count on it.'' He
aims a little lower, but the prognosis is still bleak. Grasping at straws,
he asks, ``Will Milhouse and I be friends at the end of the day?'' The
answer is `No'. Bart asks, ``What could come between two bestest buddies
like us?''
Dramatic close-up of a sweet little girl with braces.
Samantha, I've always been suspicious of transfer students.
Other principals try to unload problem cases that way.
Lord knows <I> do...
-- Principal Skinner welcomes a new student, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
Samantha explains that she's a <good> student, but Skinner doesn't believe
her, momentarily going off in his own world of resentment for his Vietnam
War service. He checks her permanent record, which is clean, and notes
that she beat her bedwetting problem in the second grade. ``That's in
there?'' ``Don't worry, they'll forget.'' Skinner lapses again.
Ms. Krabappel hands out the graded tests, and the Magic Eight Ball was
right on the money. Skinner comes in with Samantha. (Ms. Krabappel
gripes about the class size.) Skinner in his usual slip-of-the-tongue
manner introduces Samantha Stinky (oops, I mean, Stanky).
Ms.K: I'm sure this is a little scary for you, dear.
Samantha: Uh huh.
Ms.K: So, why don't you stand up in front of the class and tell us about
yourself. I'll be grading you on grammar and poise.
-- Introducing a new student, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
Samantha explains that her father owns a home security company and moved
the family from Phoenix to Springfield because of its high crime rate and
lackluster police force. She also notes the weird smell of the town.
Ms. Krabappel tells her she'll get used to it after six weeks.
At lunchtime in the schoolyard, Bart offers Milhouse a Wet Willie. Bart
licks his finger and sticks it into Milhouse's ear. (``Victim number
four!'') Bart leaves to turn Lewis into his next victim. A stray ball
knocks Milhouse's glasses off. We get a Milhouse's-eye-view of the fuzzy
world around him as he fumbles for his glasses, threatening the person
responsible. He puts on his glasses and sees Samantha standing sweetly,
ball in hand. (``Whoa.'')
Class, in order to explain why your hormones will soon make you an easy
target for [turning bitter] every smooth-talking Lothario with his own car
and tight jeans... [calms down] I will now show a short sex-education film.
-- Ms. Krabappel, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
Ezekiel and Ishmael, in accordance with your parents' wishes, you may step
out into the hall and pray for our souls.
-- Ms. Krabappel shows a sex education film, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
The videotape plays.
Hello, I'm actor Troy McClure. You kids might remember me from such
educational films as ``Lead Paint, Delicious But Deadly'' and ``Here
Comes the Metric System!''
-- ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
I'm here to provide the facts about sex in a frank and straightforward manner.
And now, here's... ``Fuzzy Bunny's Guide To You-Know-What''...
-- Troy McClure narrates a sex education film, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
This is Fuzzy Bunny. About a year ago, he noticed his voice was changing,
he had terrible acne, and had fur where there was no fur before.
-- Troy McClure narrates a sex education film, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
Bart finds the film boring. Milhouse and Samantha catch each other's eye.
The movie continues. Fuzzy and Fluffy courted, but ``never ruined their
fun by giving in to their throbbing biological urges.'' On their honeymoon
night... Cut back to the students watching the film. The all shout,
``Ewwwwwww!'' (Wendell covers his eyes.)
She's faking it.
-- Ms. Krabappel shows the class a sex education film,
``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
Nine months later, Fluffy gave birth to fourteen beautiful bunnies.
Eight survived.
-- Troy McClure narrates a sex education film, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
And now that you know how it's done... Don't do it.
-- Troy McClure narrates a sex education film, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
Ms. Krabappel asks if there are any questions. Nelson asks why she and
Mr. Krabappel don't live together. ``Because Mr. Krabappel chased something
small and fluffy down a rabbit hole.''
Samantha: How do we know when we fall in love?
Ms.K: Oh, don't you worry. Most of you will never fall in love and
marry out of fear of dying alone. [chuckles]
-- ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
Bart: How would I go about creating a half-man, half-monkey-type creature?
Ms.K: I'm sorry, that would be playing God.
Bart: God shmod! I want my monkey-man!
-- ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
The bell rings and the kids stream out of school. Milhouse approaches
Samantha.
Milhouse: Uh... That's a nice dress.
Samantha: My Dad makes me wear it. I hate it.
Milhouse: Uh, I hate it, too!
-- Flexibility in crisis, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
Milhouse offers to walk Samantha home, and she accepts.
Everybody on! No shoving! Hee, just kidding. You can shove all you want!
-- Otto, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
Bart tells Otto he can't leave until Milhouse gets on, but Otto has other
priorities.
My girlfriend's dancing topless at the airport bar. 4:15 to 4:20!
-- Otto, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
The bus speeds off, as Bart sees Milhouse and Samantha out the window.
Milhouse joins Bart in the treehouse. He brings Samantha along.
Samantha: Hi.
Bart: Hey, what's with the skirt?
Milhouse: I've brought friends to this treehouse before.
Bart: Yeah, but never a girl. What if I want to strut around nude?
-- ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
Bart lets her stay and rummages through his Radioactive Man comics to
find reading material more suited to the fairer sex. He finds ``Radioactive
Man vs. The Swamp Hag''. Samantha asks after some more traditional
girl-oriented comics, and Bart offers to get some of Lisa's ``wide
selection of crappy comics.''
Bart climbs the tree, comics in hand, holding up a copy of Lisa's
mushy ``Doomed Romance Comics''. ``Ewwww. You guys wanna see something
gross?'' He spots Milhouse and Samantha kissing. Gross me out, man.
[End of Act One]
``Tonight on Smartline: I'm Okay, You're Too Fat''.
Good evening. Did you know that 34 million American adults are obese?
Putting together that excess blubber would fill the Grand Canyon two
fifths of the way up. That may not sound impressive, but keep in mind
it is a very big canyon.
-- Kent Brockman's report, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
Disgusted with the choice of viewing, Homer reaches for the remote control,
but it's barely out of reach. Rather than get up off the couch, he decides
to give it another chance. A dramatization of Santa on a hospital bed,
two reindeer standing a tearful vigil. But to no avail. The doctor
pulls the sheet over his head.
Lisa, who is also watching, turns to see Homer's ample belly. She imagines
Homer's funeral. An older Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie (adult, but still
sucking her pacifier) stand by the grave.
I wish they had never invented fried cheese!
-- Marge cries at Homer's funeral (in Lisa's dream),
``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
Since there wasn't a casket large enough, Homer is buried in a piano
crate, lowered on a crane into the grave. The grave diggers rush to
enlarge the hole, but the chain snaps, crushing everyone. End of dream.
We take eighteen ounces of sizzling ground beef, and soak it in rich,
creamery butter, then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg.
We call it the Good Morning Burger.
-- Homer watches a television advertisement, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
Lisa resolves, ``I've gotta help him.''
While Milhouse and Samantha kiss, Bart trades Milhouse's valuable
baseball cards for his own worthless ones and, hearing no objection,
concludes the deal. Samantha checks her watch and says she has to
leave. ``My Dad thinks I'm having my braces examined.'' Her parting
kiss fogs Milhouse's glasses.
Milhouse, we're living in the age of cooties. I can't believe the risk
you're running.
-- Bart, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
Bart asks Milhouse what the big deal is about kissing, and Milhouse
explains.
Back inside...
We start with pure milk chocolate...
Add a layer of farm-fresh honey...
Then we sprinkle on four kinds of sugar...
And dip it in rich, creamery butter...
-- The candy bar from hell, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
Lisa: Dad, what if I told you you could lose weight without dieting
or lifting a finger?
Homer: I'd say you're a lying scumbag!
-- You did ask, after all, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
Lisa (wielding her copy of Eternity Magazine) suggests Homer use
subliminal lose-weight tapes to curb his appetite.
Lisa: They'll send you tapes you listen to while you sleep.
As you hear New Age music, a powerful message goes to your
brain telling you to eat less.
Homer: Lose weight <and> listen to New Age music? Wow!
-- ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
Homer asks Marge's opinion. She responds, ``Homer, I love you just the
way you are.'' She then privately asks Lisa for the phone number.
Marge dials the number, and the operator asks, ``Would you like to lose
weight, stop smoking, learn the state capitals, master hostage
negotiations...'' Marge imagines Homer as a hostage negotiator, but
chooses the weight loss tapes. The operator types the order into the
computer. Over at the warehouse, the order is received via air tube.
They are out of weight loss tapes, so they send him a vocabulary building
tape instead.
Homer is nestled in bed, a set of headphones on his head. He reminisces
on the things he and his stomach have done together before going to sleep.
The tape begins. ``Hello, this is Dr. Marvin Monroe. Let's build your
vocabulary. A -- Abattoir. Slaughterhouse. The cow was slaughtered in
the abattoir.''
The next morning, Homer eats several handfuls of bacon.
Marge: Homer, has the weight loss tape reduced your appetite?
Homer: Ah, lamentably no. My gastronomic
rapacity knows no satieties.
-- Marge buys vocabulary building subliminal tapes by mistake,
``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
From his room, Bart watches Milhouse and Samantha kissing in the treehouse.
Marge learns of Milhouse's new girlfriend and giggles.
Bart: All they do is kiss.
Marge: How cute! [turns to leave, then catches herself]
They don't open their mouths, do they?
Bart: No.
Marge: How cute!
-- Both feet on the ground, please. ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
Boarding the school bus, Bart sees Milhouse and Samantha kissing, so he
reluctantly takes the empty seat next to Martin. Martin is ecstatic.
This is the first time anyone has ever sat next to me since I successfully
lobbied to have the school day extended by twenty minutes!
-- Martin, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
Bart explains he's looking for a friend who won't leave him for a girl,
and Martin eagerly accepts. (And announces the fact for all to hear.)
In his room, Martin offers to play the lute for Bart. He does so (and
sings along), as we see Bart escaping out the front door.
In bed, Marge asks Homer why the tapes aren't working, but Homer responds,
``Here in the boudoir, the gourmand metamorphosizes [sic] into the
voluptuary!'' Marge doesn't understand. Homer kisses her. Now
she understands...
Another absurd Itchy and Scratchy cartoon, this one with a marriage theme.
Bart laughs uproariously, but Milhouse and Samantha don't share his
assessment.
At the Googolplex Theaters, Bart, Milhouse and Samantha watch a Space Mutant
movie. Bart chows down on popcorn and soda.
Wow, that really took my mind off those awful transforming space mutants.
-- Man to woman in bed, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
The woman in question metamorphosizes into a space mutant. Milhouse and
Samantha scream, then kiss. Bart sees them and says, ``D'oh!''
Afterward, Bart suggests they go spit on Skinner's car, but Milhouse
says, ``There's such a thing as spending <too> much time together.''
Bart answers, ``I'm tired of watching you two lip-wrestle. There are
plenty of other ways to be grossed out in this town.'' Bart storms into
an alley, where he starts to cry. Milhouse pops in. He asks if they
can still use his treehouse, for ``if her father catches us, he'll
kill her!'' Bart grants his permission and laughs evilly.
[End of Act Two]
As Homer raids the fridge for ``a sextet of ale'', Bart calls Mr. Stanky...
Mr. Stanky catches Samantha and Milhouse kissing and lets out a prolonged
``Noooooooooooooo!'' Ravens flee from the tree.
Mr.Stanky: Samantha, you're my little girl, and sometimes my imagination
runs away with me. Just, just tell me what happened.
Samantha: Well, Milhouse and I...
Mr.Stanky: That's enough!
-- Guilt by association, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
Mr. Stanky will put Samantha in an all-girls school. Milhouse and Samantha
call out to each other as Mr. Stanky puts his daughter in the car and
drives away.
How could this happen?
We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.
-- Milhouse, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
In the morning, Lisa wakes up Homer (listening to the vocabulary tape)
noting that it's been two weeks since they bought the tape. Homer gets
on the scale... and he's gained 13 pounds. Homer angrily (and with
a heavy dose of polysyllabics) discards the tapes.
Chuck and Ralph comment on Milhouse's current state.
Lisa: Hey, Bart, according to this magazine, in another million years,
man will have another finger. [shows an artist's conception
of a five-fingered hand]
Bart: Five fingers? Ewwww! Freak show!
-- Only for some, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
Bart needs some advice, but Marge isn't home. He tried talking to Homer,
but couldn't understand him. Lisa notes that, although there is a chemical
under development that can be used to eliminate guilt, the only solution
given the state of modern technology is to confess.
Mrs. Van Houten thanks Bart for coming and shows him to Milhouse's room,
where he finds Milhouse crying on his bed. Bart confesses, and the two
fight. Mrs. Van Houten pops in and is pleased. ``Milhouse is out of
bed and full of beans!'' Mr. Van Houten is also pleased.
In the struggle, Bart reaches for a weapon. He passes over a pair of
scissors, a broken glass bottle and a brick, settling on the Magic Eight
Ball, with which he coshes Milhouse (breaking the ball in the process).
Back in the Simpsons kitchen, Homer searches the drawers...
Homer: Marge, where's that... metal deely... you use to... dig... food...
Marge: You mean, a spoon?
Homer: Yeah, yeah!
-- It was on the tip of my tongue, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
Homer uses the spoon to gorge on chocolate ice cream.
Bart and Milhouse pay a visit to Saint Sebastian's School for Wicked Girls.
Bart: How are we going to find her?
Milhouse: She said she'd be wearing a plaid jumper.
-- Paying a visit to Saint Sebastian's School for Wicked Girls,
``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
They spot her, and Milhouse presents Samantha with a ten-gallon tub of
gummy bears. He hands it over to her, but it's so heavy, she can't hold
it. (*thud*)
Bart: Hey, Samantha, I'm sorry about getting you thrown in the
penguin house.
Samantha: That's all right, Bart. I love Saint Sebastian [School].
It's run by a group of French-Canadian nuns.
They're very nice, except they never let me ewt.
-- ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
A nun sings in French and says, ``Samantha, ne pas de boys.'' The bell
rings, and Samantha must return to class. Milhouse puckers up, but
Samantha says, ``I'd better not. It's fifty rosaries a kiss.'' But she
gives in. ``What the heck!'' Bart and Milhouse leave. ``Bart, think
I can ever find another one like her?'' ``You're asking the wrong guy,
Milhouse. They all look alike to me. Now let's go whip donuts at old
people.''
Quick flashcard of ``Professor Homer'' giving a vocabulary lesson.
[End of Act Three]

Didja notice...

Also Starring
Maggie Roswell (telephone operator)
Russi Taylor (Martin)
And
Pamela Hayden as Milhouse
Special Guest Voice
Phil Hartman (Troy McClure)
Special Guest Voice
Kimmy Robertson (Samantha Stanky)
Special Guest Voice
Marcia Wallace (Ms. Krabappel)
... Homer's change jar consisted entirely of pennies! {ajr}
... when Milhouse and Samantha kiss for the first time...
... their lips+neck+arms form a perfect heart shape? {bps}
... Samantha has only one foot on the ground? Where are parietals
when you need them...
... just as Kent Brockman says, ``In real life...'' the caption
on the screen reads, ``Dramatization''?
... Wendell on the bus, covering his mouth and clutching his stomach?

Reviews

Karl Wagenfuehr {kw}: Truly amoung the superior endeavors undertaken by
our laudable Simpsons concoctors -- highest accolades!
Ted Frank {thf}: Pretty solid, though not one of the all-time greats.
Lawrence Schwimmer {las}: Good episode! True, the two plotlines didn't
meld together, but well-done nonetheless.
Alan J Rosenthal {ajr}: I'd rate this in the middle-to-high range.
Quite good, but not one of the top ones.
J. D. Baldwin {jdb}: All in all, an excellent episode.
Scott Amspoker {sa}: I laughed out loud a lot more than usual.
The kind of episode that keeps me coming back for more.
Yours Truly {rjc}: ``Best of show'' award goes to Milhouse's ``We started
out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.'' A close second
was ``She said she'd be wearing a plaid jumper.''

Movie (and other) References

+ Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
- The music
- Light streaming dramatically
- Bart tiptoes past assorted obstacles
- He rubs his chin, wiggles his fingers,
then tips the jar into his hand
- Homer's tumbling form (the rock that Indy runs away from)
- Maggie's suction darts (assorted protective traps)
- Bart escapes by the skin of his teeth
- Homer yells ``Unga-bunga!'' as Bart speeds off
Goldfinger
- Itchy's hat-weapon
Casablanca
- the final scene and the final scene
- The Marsellaise plays
- Clouds hover (cf. fog)

Doomed Romance Comics

Homer's (dream) funeral

``Eternity'' magazine

The year 2525: Were Zager and Evans Right?
[Zager and Evans performed the song ``In the Year 2525''
back in the '70s]
Dr. Marvin Monroe Subliminal Tape Club (call KL5-3700)

Milhouse's baseball card collection

Carl Yastrzemski (traded for a torn Omar Vizquel card)
Mickey Mantle 1958 (traded for a photo of Homer sleeping on the couch)

Martin's bedroom

Poster of Einstein
Poster of Periodic Table
Bedspread covered with mathematical formulas
Plus an `E=MC^2' thrown in for good measure
Something that looks like a book hanging on a string
Wall-mounted lute and cap
Potted plant (see [7F03])

Milhouse's room

The final panel

Homer Sez:
Increase Your Wordiness
(Inset of Homer with a graduation cap and pointer)
Satiety: Belt-popping fullness
Triumverate: Three guys giving orders
Gourmand: Like a gourmet, only fatter
Machiavellian: I don't know
Boudoir: Where a french [sic] guy does it

Animation and continuity goofs

When Lisa sits down on the bus, her hair is drawn in front of the boy she
is sitting behind.

Comments and other observations

References

Previous episodes

Historical

At St. Sebastian's, a nun dances past singing ``Dominique''.
Al Wesolowsky {abw} explains that this is a reference to Soeur
Sourire (``Sister Smile''), a Belgian nun who could play the
guitar and sing, and was `discovered' after she performed on a
local TV talent show. ``Dominique'' was a monster single in Europe
and the U.S., hitting the top of the charts in 1965. (No mean feat,
considering it was an album of religious children's songs sung in
Belgian French.) Alas, she fell prey to emotional disorders and
left the order after a few years and fell into obscurity.

Just before Milhouse comments on Samantha's dress, a student walks past

holding a notebook, on which is drawn a heart with the inscription
``RW + JS''. Any guesses?

Madonna was rumored to have been the first choice for Samantha.

Kimmy Robertson played Lucy on ``Twin Peaks''.

Magic Eight Ball

[noel@umbc1.umbc.edu] provides the complete list of Magic Eight Ball responses,
if anybody cared...
Outlook not so good
You may rely on it
Cannot predict now
Yes definitely
Better not tell you now
My reply is no
Ask again later
Most likely
Don't count on it
Outlook good
It is decidedly so
Very doubtful
It is certain
As I see it yes
Concentrate and ask again
My sources say no
Signs point to yes
YES
Reply hazy try again
Without a doubt
[Note that `NO' is not on the list. Dramatic license. --rjc]

Itchy's clerical garb

Ted Frank @{thf} clarifies that Itchy is not dressed as a rabbi, but
rather as a priest, noting the white clerical collar. The hat (which
is similar to a priest's hat from the Mediterranean) was a red
herring. Ted notes that the only Jewish sect that wear such hats are
the Hasidim, and Scratchy's ceremony was far from Hasidic.
Episode summaries Copyright 1992,1993 by Raymond Chen. Not to be redistributed
in a public forum without permission. (The quotes themselves, of course,
remain the property of The Simpsons, and the reproduced articles remain
the property of the original authors. I'm just taking credit for the
compilation.)