New Year’s Resolutions 2016

Only a mere 5 days into the new year and here are my resolutions for 2016 (mainly composed at the local Weatherspoon’s). The list will not include anything like “strive for global peace” or “do my bit to heal the world“, as the world seems to have been doing a pretty good job of this by itself during the last 12 months, as any cursory glance over any recent newspaper will tell you. Neither will the list include “get a girlfriend” or “have sex” – as this is only a list of resolutions and I want them to be achievable goals. I’m not asking for miracles here.

1. Quit smoking

I’ve tried this before and failed miserably on every occassion (although I did manage to give up for 3 or 4 months a couple of years ago). I am very serious about wanting to this time though.

2. Veganism

This is a new one on the list and I’ve actually been trying it out for a few weeks now. It’s going ok so far but I’ve made a few mistakes along the way. I miss having milk in my tea most of all, and I’ve had some crazy urges to eat pizza and lasagne. I’ve also been farting. A lot.

The best thing about being Vegan, I’ve found – even better than the moral and health implications that accompany this way of living – is that it really really annoys people. Some people seem to equate Veganism with terrorism or paedophilia. And the ability to annoy people is a commodity that I value very highly. It’s one of my favourite pastimes (aside from wanking).

3. Go Straight Edge for a month

This isn’t going to be a permanent lifestyle choice – it’s more that cutting out drink during January will help me with giving up smoking, and it goes hand-in-hand with the Vegan regime as well.

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Here’s a list of my New Year’s Resolutions 2016
1. Visit Ian Watkins
2. Go bugchasing five times a week and become a gift-giver by spring
3. Sleep with the entire male population of East London during summer
4. Spitroast an MP and a hate preacher during the Labour Party Conference
5. Fly easyJet to Syria
6. Front an IS boyband at Lovebox
7. Be a judge on a beheadings version of X Factor on ITV