I'm a SM and BM is getting in the way.

flutterby-2010February 12, 2010

I don't mean that to sound callous towards BMs, I am also a BM where there are SMs involved and I never told my kids they didn't have to listen to their SMs. My 7yr old SS has been told by his BM that he doesn't have to listen to anyone but his dad. I also have two daughters who live with me and my husband. My H is very good about making sure SS listens to me and that he respects me, but it seems that no matter what we do, BM continues to try to ruin it. BM thinks she is the only one entitled to rights with the boy, she's withheld visitation and all sorts of things, we are back in court now and she's facing jail time because she was already in contempt from previously violating visitation. BM doesn't even know me and is hostile enough that there isn't a chance of that happening. I am 7 months pregnant and we don't know if BM even knows because we are so cautious about talking on the phone with her because every time has turned into a fight between DH and BM. My SS is a very good boy, all in all, and I know he can't help that his mom has tried to poison a relationship between us. BM has also told my SS to not tell me he loves me. He was doing so previously but has stopped altogether. I just told him that I love him and it's okay if he doesn't say so until he feels comfortable. He does the typical stuff a 7 yr old will do when they don't get the answer he doesn't want and goes to the other parent and we nip that in the bud right away, but my issues are when the baby gets here, if BM is going to continue to poison SS relationship with new baby as well. This will break my heart. I am getting to where I feel like giving up and not trying with SS but I know that won't help anything. It's not in my nature to 'give up' on anything but my emotions are getting the better of me (hormones) and I feel I invest so much and don't get anything back where it comes to SS. Any advise on how to strengthen my relationship? It's snowing all the time here so a lot of outside activities are out of the question especially at this stage of pregnancy. I've been a stepmom before, my first husband died and my first SS and I still talk but he's older now. That seems to have been so much different than this one.

AUGHHHH. I feel for you because so much of what you've said reminds me of our situation. It is VERY similar.

My SS is almost 8 and his BM has tried similar tactics. For the first 3 years of our relationship, she would tell SS exactly what you're describing---that he didn't have to listen to me, that his dad and I were trying to take him away from her, that his dad loved me and my DD more than him, etc.

Honestly--it really did hurt my relationship with SS for a long time. I always felt like he viewed me through sad, suspicious eyes, and that he felt if he showed me ANY affection, it would be disloyal to his mom.

It took a long time and he is finally at a point now where he trusts me and views me as a good person in his life. We are not super-close, but he definitely views me as a "parent" (or having a parent role) and he listens to/respects me. He is sweet to me and I can just genuinely tell he no longer feels torn about it.

I hate to say it but what actually HELPED our relationship was when he saw his mom get drunk and punch me one time. Seeing HER so crazy/scary/out of control turned a switch on in his head that maybe I wasn't everything terrible his mom was saying. His mom is still his MOM and he loves her dearly, but that incident kind of opened his eyes a bit. Suddenly, he saw me in the role of protecting him and he was afraid of his mom.

It sounds bad to say but it almost needed to happen. It opened a little door for him through which he could see that his mom had flaws, and that maybe everything she said wasn't always golden.

We turned the corner after that. :)

Just keep pluggin' away, is my advice! It's great that your DH is supportive. I wouldn't worry about the baby and your SS----I think when the baby arrives, your SS will be smitten and will love being a BIG brother. I don't think it will matter what BM says!