“”Artie’s new mindset is convenient for the rest of us,”Now we have a bar that’s always open, a bartender who never leaves his bar!” When asked if he believed the bartender’sstory to be true, Mayor Frank Wilcox said, “Who cares?” Then the mayor added, “Who knows? Uphere anything’s possible.” Quoted from the WAIT-A-BIT! newspaper, ‘The Evil Screed,’ Issue 3, Page 1, as quoted in the Vancouver Sun.

In the twilight morning, Frank climbs up out of the bunker and through about 5 1/2 feet of deep snow, covered with freezing ice…Takes a sniff at the air,stretches, beats his chest and shouts, “SMELLS LIKE SPRING!” In reality,there’s a pathetic path through the mountains ofsnow, deeply encased with ice. “You ever build a snow fort when you were young?Remember packing snow then taking a hose ortwenty pails of water and covering the fort withice? That way the fort was half-way safe to crawlthrough…?” Well, that’s what it was like outside theround bunker door belonging to Hank and FRankin the undiscovered village of WAIT-A-BIT! Frank crawled up to a flat stump stillpeeking out of the snow. The wind had cleared thestump repeatedly… the more or less constant windfrom the West…But lower down, where the winddidn’t often reach – the snow was deep. There was a ringing in Frank’s ears almostconstantly now. Same sort of ringing you getif you fire off a large caliber gun in a small space…or if you’d listened to your favourite hip hop band withyour head too close to the speakers…. or you andyour girlfriend were dancing by the speakers for two hours…or had sex in front of the speakers and then fell asleepmid-concert. Well, if the two of you grow old together…neither of you will be able to hear a damn thingthe other is saying. This is not a bad thing. Many people have spouses who cannot or will not stoptalking. So if you can’t hear too well,it can be a blessing… But not always…

“What if someone’s creeping up behindyou, wants to steal your poncho, oryour rifle… what then?” Hank asks fromdown below, leaning out the bunker hole. “Yeah, well then you want to be able tohear… But that’s what the 6th sense is for –to know when some fucker’s trying to killyou,”Frank shouts back down. They both agreed. Hank pulledhis head back inside. “But this constant buzzing in my head –can’t be a good thing…” Frank went outside in the first placebecause he thought he heard a bird call,.OK, he heard a crow… but they count too. For three months nothing hadmade a sound outside…”Well, you canhear the weasels laughing… but could bethat’s just in my head… I’m so used to thesound.” “Wonder what they’re laughing at?”Frank’s thinking… There’s no answer to such questions.

“But all these stories of men raped by weasels…Over the past few years…Are those stories true?” Franknow is wondering, “Or are they just something I made up in the bar, when it was late,just to shut some drunken asshole up? Maybe it was one, or the other, or both. The problem was, Frank couldn’t rememberif he made it up or not… Did it matter? Maybe it did. Frank remembered the lookin Artie’s eyes when he climbed back upthe hill. When Artie first got to WAIT-A-BIT! he believed in protecting the wildlife. He came back that first night with a look of surprise on his face. He was a changed man…Wide-eyed…and trembling. And he had avery different opinion about protecting thewildlife then.

“One thing I won’t ever forget…” Artie was talking in his brand new bar, when hefirst arrived. ” Jesus, it hurts!” he said to me, clutchinghis ass. “Hmmm. I had to at least pretend to beinterested… What, won’t you forget, Artie?”Frank asks in a quiet voice. Before he answered Artie had a hugeslug of Shine . (Remember – one ounce of shine is about equal to 3 shots of vodka)

“I won’t forget!” he said, “The weasel had me.I couldn’t move… my ass in the air andmy face in the snow… It was his hotbreath on the back of my neck. Everytime I tried to move,he bit me… the hot breathon the back of my neck, I’ll never forget that!“ Frank read in his notes: “I smoked my pipe. I lookedacross the room at Artie -wild-eyed with his pantsdown and dancing from one leg to the other,trying to apply Vaseline to his anus. It was pretty clear Artie at least believedsomething had happened.” “I’m the mayor, after all, and I suppose I’mthe police, also”. It’s my duty to investigate.” So I say to the man, “I thought animals were quick about having sex.. If a dog humps your leg…It don’t take long…He knows he doesn’t have much time.” ” Same thing with wild animals – they know they don’thave much time, either… before somethin’ bites emin the arse or in what hangs below it,”Frank says “This sex seemed to go on forever!”Artie said. “Artie’s got that same look on hisface right now.” Frank is thinking, “A mix ofhorror, shock and surprise. He’s re-livingthe initial experience.”

But the amazed look on Artie’sface never leaves him. “He had that weird look on his face – likemaybe he’s in shock.. like he had been standing,couldn’t move – with a truck coming at night, frozen in the headlights.” “And at that last instant the truck is past! It can shake you up… especially if you’ve been half asleepat the time, and the first sound you hear in the midstof your pleasant dreams, is the blaring horn of aneighteen wheeler. (Frank has been considering thesituation for a long time.) The shine is finding a place in him…

Frank chuckles. He knows he shouldn’t saythis, but he can’t resist. After all, he has to investigate.

Frank asks, “He had you down… face plantedin the snow and bare assed…. Why were your bare-assed?” “I was taking a piss,” says Artie. “FirstI had to drop my pants!” ” Oh boy, you have a few things to learnabout the Arctic!” Frank laughs, “When you take apiss, your piss almost freezes before it hits theground. No one takes their pants down up here beforetaking a piss – not men or women! You might getfrostbite in a place you can’t scratch.” “You were afraid to move?” Frank asks. Artie nods his head, yes. “Well, this is kinda personal,” Frank says, trying notto laugh. “But I have to ask it…” “OK,” Artie says. ‘DO YOU THINK MAYBE THEY TOOKTURNS ON YOU?” Frank asks. Artie had looked alarmed already. Now he looks horrified: ‘WHAT DO YOU MEAN?” Artie shouts. “Well, this is a sensitive point. But theyhad you face down. You couldn’t move…Weasels are usually pretty quick about the sex act… so… if it went on for a long time…maybe…. did you ever stop to think…” “What!” Artie shouts. “Did you ever stop to think… maybe more than one weasel raped you? Maybe every male weasel in the area took you frombehind…” Frank smiles in an understanding fashion,“That’s why it took so long?”

Artie is silent for a long time. He leavesthe bar and goes into the back… “Is that sobbing, I hear?” Frankis wondering. No Artie’s back tooquick. Now he’s standing right beside me..Oh, Christ! he’s got a gun!” Artie has the gun pointed at Frank’stemple… His eyes look even bigger than before.They’re bulging. His pants are off and his kneesare shaking… “NEVER…” Frank nods his head “EVER…” “Yes?” Frank says. “NEVER Talk to me about WEASELS again!” “Yes, sure! Of course, Artie! Whateveryou say!” Artie goes into the back and puts the large revolverdown. He stumbles back up to the front of the bar. He sits down. He has a another big drink. He downs half the cup in one gulp. “That’s about the equivalent of 8 shotsof vodka ” Frank says..”It’sone hell of an eye-opener!” Finally Artie speaks up, his voiceslurring a bit now: “Thanks so much for thatimage!” ” I could have lived the rest of mylife, without ever thinking… that!” Frank doesn’t say a word. It’s a good timeto be quiet.

“THAT IS A HORRIBLE THOUGHT…you planted in my head. I just relived theentire experience!”Artie shouts. “I thought I heard you doing somethingout back…” “Yes, I was on my hands and kneesagain…trying to drink the snow…” Artie says,“Just like that night! Trying to rememberexactly…” “Wait a minute!” Frank jumps up off hisstool. “You were on your hands and knees?” “Yes, I just told you…” “On your hands and knees, takinga piss bare-assed…in weasel country,in weasel territory? Right down near theirLAIR?”Frank asks,not believing what he was hearing.

“Yeah sure,I told you” Artie says. “I had to take a piss! I was drunk… all of a sudden, I got really thirsty. I put my face in the snow and started drinking it. They both sat in the dark bar, thinkingand drinking lots more of the hooch. Frank, the mayor,doesn’t say a thing. He’s trying to digest these facts. “You see…” Frank is shaking his head,starting to understand. “They probably thought you were a female in heat!” “_________________” says Artie. “They smelled your piss.. and bythe time they had scrambled half-way up the hill,they were probably horny andthey didn’t care who you were!” “He ripped out the seat of my pants right away! In a second he was on me!” “Jesus…” Frank says. “That explainsit… That’s how it got started! Wow!”

“I guess that explains the firstman-rape… But what about the next four orfive rapes… the ones reported after mine?”Artie asks. “The only thing I can figure,”Franks says, “They got a taste for human ass,and they liked it. You were warm, you wereopen and you were easy…Looks like you starteda trend.” “What a horrible thought,” Artie says.

“So they jumped some otherhuman males,too, and raped them.They found those men were easy, too…’ ” Female wolverines are not always in heat…But male humans are easily accessible & available all the time up here… There are no women here… in the territories…” “Weasels probably thought you were a woman… or the weasels didn’t care…”Frank says. He is puzzling this out, preparing a report in his head that he knows will never be written. “So the weasels got a tastefor human males…” Franks is thinking.”Just a theory!” ” But if we’re not careful.this might become a trait! Part of the psyche of the clever beast… in no time at all it’llbe part of the weasel DNA! We don’t want that!”

“It would be terrible for tourism,” They both laugh hard at that. “How many guys have the weasels surprised?” Frank asks. “Four admitted it, but I suspectthey got Dexter, too. He doesn’t want to talkabout it. Men don’t usually want to talkabout getting it up the ass. At least, up not here.They might feel different about it at Church and Bloor.” “Dexter hasn’t said a word in ninety days.He just keeps on staring off into the distance,like he knows something no one else knows… He’s got that faraway look in his eyes…” Artiesays. “Staring off into the Great Beyond!”

“I know the feeling well.” “Me too. I had an aunt with eyes like that. You looked into her eyes, you saw the Great Beyond!”