Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

New Here - Relationship Advice

Hi! I'm new here and thought I would give it a try. I am 24, have been dating on and off a man (26) (let's call him B) that I love very much. For the first year and a half of our relationship, he was mostly in control and I was very needy. He would not say he loved me, but that I knew he did. When I moved away for grad school (2 hours away), and I was going through a hard time, he broke up with me, saying that he was confused and hurt and needed to decide how to make himself happy. I believe that he may be depressed, but this goes up and down.

We separated, I was devastated, decided I couldn't do grad school. moved back to the same town he lives in (where I left to go to school), got a good job, started making friends, doing art, making time for myself, and eventually dating. The whole time I missed him very much, but kept telling myself to get over it. During this period, we had a few runs ins and emotional discussions. The whole time he kept telling me that he cared about me very much, but needed to figure out his school (he has not completed his bachelor's degree), money (he has some debt), his job (he has been doing it for three years and hates it, but has not tried to find another one or go back to school), his living situation (his roommate turned into a slob, stopped paying bills, and has utterly disgusting habits), his friends (who all started to talk about him because his roommate began to start rumors about him), and in general, his happiness.

I started to move on, although I still loved him, and sure enough, he came back. I had begun to date another man (let's call him J) that I really really liked. Instant chemistry in every way. Smart, funny, creative, attractive, motivated, thoughtful. It came to a head, B and J started to fight for me, make me choose one. B came back with a vengeance. He said he loved me, he always did, now wasn't afraid to say it anymore, wanted to marry me, have my babies, spend the rest of his life with me. He was working on himself, seeing a therapist, preparing to go back to school, moving out of his toxic living situation, working a second job to pay off bills and save for school, had consolidated his debt, and that he was working so hard and that the only thing missing was me. He wined and dined me, saying he took me for granted before, even did sweet things like call 47 different restaurants to take me to a place that had "our wine" that was hard to find, schedule me a massage, leave flowers, paint my house, it goes on. He assured me that no matter what, he would not get scared again and run away.

Things were great. I broke J's heart. Then, B started to get jealous. He never sat down and discussed budgeting with me, which was a condition of us getting back together. It got hot and cold. Always great, but then when it was bad, it got BAD. He left me at a concert in Boston (we live in Virginia), running out on me, he threw temper tantrums, punching things (never me) and yelling, saying horrible things, saying once that he would kill himself without me.

I didn't realize it, but I had started to become controlling. I realized that I had been out of control before, it was NICE to have him come crawling back. I realize now that I sometimes judge him because he has not gone anywhere in the last two years, despite maybe grandiose ideas. I got upset. I got jealous (so did he). I checked his text messages, one time finding one from him asking for his brother to go check up on me when I was at girls night.

We would work it out, things were good. We were working through these new feelings. He had never been explosive before this May. In fact, he used to hold in his emotions.

This Sunday we went to a concert three hours away. J's best friend was there (random) with B's friend that we met up with. B was slightly on edge, went to the bathroom, we were waiting for him to go see my favorite band. He never came, he never came. B had my ID, debit card, cash, car key, and my cell was in my car. I had a friend call him. He was already at the band, so we went to meet him. I made a joke about losing him, he thought I was yelling at him. He got defensive, got angry, I started to tear up. Our friends left, then he left. I had to run after him for my belongings. He wouldn't stop, so I grabbed him, he dropped them and RAN. So I threw a drink on him. He ran faster. I cried. A lot. started to leave, but realized I couldn't drive bc we had both been drinking.

He comes up to me, I ask if he was following me, he took it that I was yelling at him, called me a stupid bitch for not seeing him and waiting for him. I was appalled because HE LEFT ME, yet I was supposed to find him and it was my fault that I didn't see him bc I was hysterical.

He ran to my car, screaming. He started screaming for me to open the car and let him get his stuff. I said no. i said don't go, calm down. Relax. He said it was controlling that I wouldn't let him into his car. He was right. We began a power struggle of "you WILL let me into your car, or I will punch in your window", and I said "no, I will NOT let you into my car". He took off his shirt, started to punch my window. I flipped. Hysterical. Crying.

He walked away. Now I know (he told me) that he was trying to cool off and wanted to be with me but needed space. This was never communicated. I got in my car, hysterical, calling my best friend who lives several hours away. I told her B and I got into a fight, he punched my car. She asked if he would hurt me, I said no. She said she needed to call the police I was in danger. His temper was out of control. I begged her not to. She promised she wouldn't, but then did. By this time I had texted a friend asking for someone's number who was in the concert to arrange for B to have a ride home. So, when a random number called me, I answered. It was the police. They told me they had to come. I said no, don;t come. They said it was MD state law, they had to see me. I asked if someone had to be arrested. They said no. They said they would find me, even if I didn't cooperate. So I listened, I did what they said. I waited. They came. It was overkill. Three cop cars, 4 other cops on a golf cart. Most cops later. They interrogated both of us. They assumed I was on drugs because I was hysterical. I do not ever do drugs. Then they said I was drunk. I had had three beers over five hours. I was not. I was upset. I told them that. They told me I was drunk, but then they told me to drive home (three hours away). They told me B didn't want to see me and he wanted to find his own way home. They took his stuff, they gave me my house keys and ipod which he had. I was hysterical.

Unbeknown to me, my best friend had called him, the police, my brother, and a friend of mine. She told him that if he didn't leave me alone, bad things would happen (aka the police). Then, my brother called B, threatened him never to go near me again. I had no idea and did not tell either of them to do this.

The police were going to arrest B, but I told them not to. He thought that they did not because he was so calm, and that when I grabbed his arm, my nails made him bleed. The police officer called his arm "a scratch" and told me "anyone that behaves that violently and then can turn on the charm when the police get here is not a good guy."

I waited for my parents to come pick me up (they live an hour away), but they got stuck in traffic, so it was two hours later, I was there, sober, upset, and just wanted to go home. B said he would take a bus home. He called me, angry, blew up, stating that I hid his car keys, I was withholding his property (which TWO cops had searched for with flashlights in my car), and because of me, he had to take a $50 cab ride, which got him lost, the lady at the station said he missed the last train, and needed to take a bus to the train, and it would cost $120. He said it was my fault, and I needed to turn around (he was now 2 hours from me, as we were traveling in opposite directions), and if I could stand to be in the same car with him, he would drive my car home (I have narcolepsy and also can't see that well at night, so I really HATE driving at night because I have fallen asleep at the wheel). He started yelling at me, saying I had him arrested. I hung up. He called again later, I answered. He yelled at me. I was going to pick him up, but turned around. I didn't want to see him. He had become violent and the police told me that if I let him in my car, he could be arrested. I didn't want that. I googled a hotel near him, offered to pay for it, told him I would pick him up in the morning early. He said no, I had made him threatened, I had almost gotten him arrested, I had gotten him lost, and now I refused to pick him up and I forced him to spend $120 that he does not have, now he can't pay his rent (I actually think he couldn't pay his rent before this), and he would not talk to me. How could I do this?

I was upset, he was angry. I offered him a place to stay and an alternative. He did not take it, saying he couldn't miss work. I said i would get him early, in time for work. He said no.

The next morning, he left me messages demanding I leave his belongings at his work by 3:00 or he would have the authorities remove them from my belonging. He said I had done this to him. I had threatened him, called the police on him, cost him money, made him look like an abuser to my friends and family, when it was me who flipped out and he did not want anything to do with me, only his things. He was still angry. Even more so. He said I did not give him his belongings, so I drove him to punch the car. He could have broken it if he wanted, but he didn't. He told me his friends told him never to speak to me again, after what I did.

I was distraught. I did not intend for my friend to call the police or my family, or for either of them to call B, and especially make threats. But at the same time, I called a friend, told her that he had punched my window. Apparently in MD, it's called "attempted malicious destruction of property." I felt like he was (and now still is) blaming me for causing him to get so angry that he acted violently, and that I caused him to spend money he didn't have, I left him, and he was the victim. I do feel like I could have been more aware my the implications of my actions, but I also feel like it is never ok to threaten violence, and then act on it (even if it was towards a vehicle, not me). I feel like the police wouldn't have had a reason to come if he had never punched the car, and they would have arrested him if I hadn't have told them not to, and I never would have left if he didn't tell me not to, and call me horrible names and yell at me.

I've cooled off, he has not as much. We talked last night, he was mor relaxed, but still angry. I do not think this was a one way thing. I know it is stupid, but for me, it was a wake up call. I do not want to break up, I want to be with him. I want things to go back to him not being so angry. To continue to go to therapy and work through these feelings of anger and him continue to learn ways to manage his anger. I want to learn how not to come across as condescending. I do not want to feel like I need to apologize for calling a friend upset after someone punched my car, or feel indebted to B, or that I need to apologize. I still feel that he blames me for this situation and is not willing take responsibility for his actions. He says he will never feel comfortable around my family. I told him they are very forgiving, which they are. Big brothers are protective, he was acting in anger, just like B was when he punched the car.

B says he still loves me very much, but he is not sure that he can be with me after what I did to him. He needs some space. I am a wreck. If it were that easy, I would walk away, but honestly I love him a lot and I feel like these actions were not true to who he is as a person. I feel like we've gone back to how things were that he was in control and he could tell me he wants to leave me forever.

We live across the street from one another.

I'm a mess. I KNOW that none of this was healthy behavior. I know it was not ok for him to be violent, or blame me, or not take responsibility. I know it was not ok for me to belittle. I just want it to get better. He tells me his friends say I was horrible, and made him out to be a monster, and to never speak to me again. My friends think he is explosive and his violent actions were unwarranted, no matter how upset he was.

I can only tell you that you need to do what is right for you. You can be the most forgiving person in the world but that will not change the situation nor him. As I read your story I have no doubt in my mind that you know your b/f very well and his behavior. The problem is you are putting yourself in a situation where I think you feel you can help him change and be the kind of person you think he can be.

I am not saying you can't but the problem I see with this is that you are giving up so much in your own life to help someone that you are losing yourself in the whole process. Personally it sounds like to me you have lost some of your self-esteem and strength. You need to get that back in order to be able to help anyone. Perhaps it would be a good idea that you see a counselor as they can help you become stronger and once you are I think you will see things a whole lot clearer not only for you but for him as well.

At this point being so stressed out and emotional is not going to help either one of you. Take some time for yourself and I know it is hard but try to put some distance between yourself and him for awhile and this time try and sort out your feelings and figure out the best way to help not just him but yourself. Wishing you the best of luck.

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