Random thoughts from a few cantankerous American physicians. All contributors are board certified. Various specialties are represented here. I do not know where this will lead but hope it will at least be an enjoyable read. All of the names mentioned in this blog are pseudonyms, the ages have been changed, and in half the cases the gender as well. All photographs are published with patient consent or are digitally altered to preserve anonymity. Trust us, we're doctors.

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Friday, May 04, 2007

Just got a special delivery from the OR: a 65 pound ovarian mucinous cystadenoma (a benign ovarian tumor). The lady sort of looked like someone with a 130 week pregnancy. To illustrate, hold your arms out in a circle in front of you like you are giving an air-hug to someone fat. That's about the size of it.

I know what you are saying: "ewww!", followed by, "what the f##k?!". Of note, the record for one of these things is about 350 lbs.!

She apparently was a wee bit chunky and decided to try Weight Watchers. News flash: it didn't work. She went to the doctor who said: "ewww, WTF!?!, get that parasitic alien life-form out of your belly, you freak!!". (I paraphrase)

They took it out intact in the OR and we had to lug it down to the loading dock to get an accurate weight. It was a big hit with everyone and I have a series of unpublishable Abu Gharib-esque photos with it (e.g. thumbs-up, pointing, smoking a cigarette; a bunch of dudes nude in a pile - oh, wait, that's from the weekend).

When we opened it, it filled a large sink with brown, mucous-ey fluid. I had the pleasure of grossing the thing, which involved sectioning it extensively and taking microscopic sections to look for cancer. And, yes, it was warm.

etotheipi-your joke just cracked me up and I forgot what I was going to leave as my real comment.

I think it is amazing what a person can talk themselves into believing is normal (I have just re-read my sentence three times and still can not figure out if it makes any sense. Sorry. I am leaving it anyway. My excuse is I am sleep deprived since I was up all night making cupcakes for my twins birthday at school today. I made over 60 cupcakes. If you are planning to make fun of me for not making sense, send me your address and I will send you cupcakes to bribe you not to)

thanks for dragging this illustrious blog into the gutter. i meant did it squeak when you poked it with a scalpel... you know, like some weird life form.i will discuss your inappropriate comments with the blog committee and if we decide to kick you off you will never know because it will be a 9 to the back of the head. that's how we roll bitch.

I had a patient who had gone through the same process with a ten-pounder several years prior. It had left such an impression on her that she immediately would pour out the two pertinent details to anyone willing to listen:

1) for at least a year, she believed it was an immaculate conception2) she referred to it as her "turkey-baby" once it was removed.

She at least had a sense of humor about #2, although was quite serious about #1.

And the most disturbing thing about it was the "warm" part. I had a pt recently who has liver cancer and comes in every two weeks or so to get tapped to remove his ascitic (and infected) belly fluid--12 liters of it. It's a little gross to dump out basin after basin of thick, yellow, steaming abdo juice.

Oooh-another "warm" gross out story: we had a 500-lb guy die of respiratory distress and septic shock (his testicular cellulitis got reeeeeal bad--think two canteloupes). Anyway, it took us two hours to get him clean and shrouded, and then another hour to wait for a "big boy" gurney to be able to take him to the morgue. When six of us were transferring him to the gurney, the gross thing was that he was still hot--all that fat really held his body heat. Ech.

Is it wrong that I wanted to put googley-eyes on it and film myself throwing it off the hospital roof? Probably a HIPPA violation. No, it's just in poor taste. Though I should talk, I once put a bottle of barbecue sauce on the hospital incinerator. Just before the CAP inspection. He he he he he.

Yeowza, and that is why the ladies should have regular gyn checks. And my surgeon thought my 19cm adenocarcinoma was an "extremely large pelvic mass". Way, wrong dude. Not to mention he stitched me up BEFORE the pathology came back. Not bad, the gyn-onc eyeballs it, no mets, sews me up,and THEN does the radical debulking. And they discharged me in between bouts of Alien Vomit. Now that is gross. Throw that off the roof. Well maybe not. Where's my friggin NG tube?????