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On The Bachelor, the beauty queens battle but neither walks the plank

Colton Underwood had his timbers shivered on Monday’s Bachelor by a couple of beauty queens who competed on the same pirate group date and then drained all the fun out of a pool party.

Hannah B and Caelynn, former friends and Miss USA competitors, were the main combatants in this week’s episode, giving last week’s Demi-vs.-Tracy feud a bit of a rest.

Their bad blood goes back to their pageant days and had a frustrated Colton trying to make sense of a she said-she said scenario in which each claimed the other was manipulative and deceitful.

Unless one of them melts down in a big way (and my money would be on “hot mess express” Hannah B for that honour) we might be in for an epic two-on-one date, perhaps one that would even merit Chris Harrison’s oft used “most dramatic ever” hyperbole. We shall see.

In the meantime, here’s who did what to and with Colton on Monday.

Group date No. 1 with Hannah B, Caelynn, Katie, Heather, Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi: The ladies met up with Colton at the “Pirates Dinner Adventure” where they got to dress up like Captain Jack Sparrow wannabes, say “Aye,” swing on ropes, sword fight and knock each other off a plank with padded poles. Despite the fact that Hannah was knocking the crap out of everyone on the plank it was Tracy and Caelynn who competed for the chance to save “Captain Colton.”

Caelynn won, which had Hannah B “starting to spiral,” so she hatched a plan to tell Colton “the truth about Caelynn” at the date cocktail party — because tattling on other women always goes over so well.

First though, Demi got in a few more digs at Tracy, telling her, “If I were an older girl and I were surrounded by younger women, I can’t imagine how uncomfortable I’d feel.” Then she cut into a pissed-off Courtney’s time with Colton and used the purloined minutes to blindfold Colton and spank him with a paddle before nearly grabbing his naughty bits with a mannequin hand. “I excite him and I make him nervous,” boasted Demi. Maybe there’ll be some bondage sponcon in her future when she gets bounced from the show.

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Colton spent some time smooching and cuddling with Caelynn and then it was Hannah B’s turn. She was “befumbled,” she said, by Colton’s connection with Caelynn, so she told him that she and Caelynn hadn’t spoken since they were roommates at the Miss USA pageant. It was “like the most hostile environment I’ve ever been in,” Hannah said. But she wouldn’t explain exactly what she meant by that, adding unhelpfully, “If that’s what you want you don’t want me.”

Looking annoyed, Colton walked off to figure things out, which meant taking Caelynn aside to tell her what Hannah had said. She wasn’t any more helpful, telling Colton the rift had to do with her and Hannah handling competition differently, but then Caelynn began crying over vague “experiences” she wasn’t ready to share.

The tears were good for the date rose.

One-on-one date with Elyse: By Demi’s definition, Elyse — at 31 — is one of the season’s cougars. Elyse herself was talking about age, expressing reservations as to whether the 26-year-old Bachelor was on the same page as her. It was nothing that a date with a bunch of cute kids couldn’t resolve.

Colton faked Elyse out by telling her they were going on a group date and then a dozen or so youngsters came squealing around a corner in the otherwise empty Belmont Park in San Diego and she was “a smitten kitten.”

Colton, who runs a charity for children with cystic fibrosis in honour of his cousin, seems to genuinely like kids so he and Elyse spent a genial afternoon taking the children on rides, playing midway games with them and feeding them ice cream.

“I don’t care what his age is, I think Colton would be a pretty darn good dad,” Elyse declared.

Colton likewise said he enjoyed seeing Elyse interact with the children and then she ticked off another box for him in the ever popular “make a painful revelation over dinner” category.

In answer to Colton’s question about why she was such a confident woman, Elyse shared that her sister, a labour and delivery nurse, had been diagnosed with cancer while pregnant with her second child and avoided treatment to bring the baby to term. The baby lived, she died. Elyse’s family started a charity in her honour called Sarah’s Closet.

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So there you have it: the beauty queens were arguing about who was the biggest liar; Demi was trying to rattle the “cougars” and Colton; Elyse and Colton were talking about the charities they began in response to real-world trauma.

Elyse got the date rose, the smooches and a chance to have her PDAs videotaped by total strangers at a Tenille Arts concert.

Group date with Tayshia, Nina, Catherine, Sydney, Onyeka, Cassie, Nicole and Caitlin: One purpose of this date seemed to be to allow the women to ooh and aah over a shirtless Colton and his bulging muscles.

Since fitness is a part of the ex-football player’s routine, Colton put the women through a physical competition with the help of buff actor Terry Crews and his wife Rebecca. We’re talking things like pushing a sled with 100 pounds of weight on it; flipping over 150-pound tires; even dragging a limousine by chains.

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The beasts were Catherine, Sydney (whose dancer legs Colton helped stretch, causing Cassie to crack, “Colton’s not a stretching virgin anymore”) and Onyeka. Onyeka prevailed in a foot race while lugging a very heavy-looking medicine ball and hefting it onto a pillar.

But it was Nicole who got the date rose later, despite the fact she couldn’t even manage a chin-up, with her tale of her independent grandmother fleeing Cuba. Tayshia and Cassie also got smooches; Onyeka got a piece of chocolate cake. But Torontonian Caitlin got the worst prize: an unplanned exit.

During their alone time, Caitlin told Colton that nothing was “standing out” in her life that she wanted to share and, asked what she was looking for in a relationship, said someone “happy to go out with me and my friends and have a really ridiculous silly evening” — definitely not the answer Colton was looking for. He told Caitlin he didn’t feel a spark with her and walked her to the SUV of Shame. She refused to hold his hand, sped ahead of him and walked away without a backward glance (at least as far as we saw) but then claimed during the ride that he would regret sending her home and might ask her to come back. Um, yeah, no.

Beauty queens take two: Host Harrison told the women Colton was cancelling the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, always a good way to send their angst into overdrive, but threw them a bone with a pool party instead. It all seemed to be going swimmingly (pun intended) until Caelynn decided it was her turn to tattle.

Caelynn claimed that Hannah B began to get manipulative, deceitful and talk s--t about Caelynn when she began having success in the Miss USA pageant and that she feared the toxic pattern of behaviour was repeating itself. “I never want to throw her under the bus,” said Caelynn while doing exactly that.

Colton was confused since he hadn’t seen anything like that during his one-on-one date with Hannah, so naturally he went straight to Hannah to try to clear things up. Her predictable answer: Caelynn’s lying, she’s the manipulative, fake one and if Colton ended up with her “you would never see the full person.”

Well, that was a big help.

Colton went off to talk to the producers while the other women whined about Hannah B and Caelynn ruining their pool party.

Colton claimed the dispute could have an effect on his rose-giving. As if! Hannah B got her rose, like we all knew she would; at the very end of the ceremony, like we all knew she would.

Hannah B wasn’t celebrating, however, instead complaining about being called last and declaring of Caelynn, “I hate her!”

The circus moves to Singapore next week and it looks like Caelynn gets the coveted shopping at expensive stores date, which is sure to drive Hannah B batty. Also, Demi turns her cougar-baiting wrath on Courtney, even though she’s only 23.

Debra Yeo is a deputy entertainment editor and a contributor to the Star’s Entertainment section. She is based in Toronto. Email dyeo@thestar.ca, visit her Facebook page or follow her on Twitter: @realityeo

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