My husband is having an affair. . . with a man

Sexual infidelity is often considered the ultimate betrayal. It disrupts on-going, meaningful relationships. When a heterosexual couple experiences infidelity and the offense is committed with someone of the same sex, it turns worlds upside down. All relationships have rules. We expect that our partners will keep our interests in mind even when potential rewards tempt them to break the rules. Infidelity occurs in the context of both heterosexual and same-sex relationships, although expectations may be different. In either case, when expectations are violated, the wrongdoer will have to account for his behavior.

As I wrote in Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight, I know something about breaking rules. I was married with two children when I unexpectedly fell in love with a man. Things suddenly shifted inside my head, and I went from thinking I was straight to knowing I am gay. There was no other way to explain what I was feeling. Until shortly before I came out to my wife, she had no idea about my conflicts about sexual orientation.

"Kevin" is a man in his mid-fifties, married, with two children, one of whom is handicapped. His wife suspected Kevin's interest in men, and she began to search for clues of his deception. She found his on-line user name and password for a gay chat room. She then began to send him emails as if she were a man interested in a "hook up." Not knowing the messages were actually from his wife, Kevin arranged to meet "him" for coffee, and Kevin's secret life was exposed.

One gay man confronted his partner, saying "Do you have a boy friend? You're no longer present here with me in this relationship." Spouses often become suspicious of their partner's infidelity because the partners give off rather universal clues:

• Something is disrupting the normal day to day functioning of their relationship. • The offender may be angry, critical or dissatisfied. • He may act guilty, anxious or disengaged. • Attention, including sexual, may decrease, or in fact, increase.

Although young people seem to be coming out at younger and younger ages, for a variety of reasons many men do not see coming out as a possibility. In some societies, coming out is not a possibility. Many men have said to me, "Please, take this torment away from me." One young African said, "I may as well kill myself now, because if anyone finds out about me, I will be killed. One young Chinese student said that as the oldest son, his culture expected him to marry and care for his parents. He felt he could not abandon those obligations. He asked me if he should marry even though he could not function sexually with a woman.

Some men who have sex with men (MSM) think they are too straight to be gay, but others see them as too gay to be straight. Many of them are married. According to the Centers for Disease Control, about 7% of men have sex with men, but gay men are estimated at about 4% of the population. These figures suggest that about 3% of MSM do not identify themselves as gay. In one study in New York City, nearly 10% of men who identified as straight had sex exclusively with men, and nearly 10% of married men had experienced sex with another man in the preceding year. Except for occasional exposure of some high profile individual, these men are virtually invisible.

Kevin made the perfect apology to his wife. He expressed his guilt and admitted that what he had done was wrong. He gave no excuse or defense for having wronged her. He told his wife he knew she had every right to feel hurt. Kevin's wife begrudgingly put him "on probation." He assumed a submissive posture in the relationship, leading to a complete reversal in the power dynamics within their relationship. He promised to stop seeing men - but he has not.

What's a wife to do? Many are too ashamed to tell anyone, and if they do, friends will usually tell them, "Get rid of him. Once a cheater, always a cheater," and there is some data to support that. Lisa Diamond has written that the gender of women's sexual desire may be fluid, but researchers generally agree that for men homosexual attractions never reverse. It is estimated that 60% of offenders do so again, but the numbers for MSM may be much higher.

How serious was Kevin's offense? Sex isn't the problem; the lies used to cover the offense are far more damaging. The spouse feels a mixture of feelings: anger, hurt, righteous indignation and a wish for revenge. Lying erodes the trust that must form the basis of a successful relationship. Healing requires the re-establishment of trust. Without forgiveness, the betrayal will undermine meaningful relationships. If the couple chooses to remain together, it can take years to restore trust. When the spouse discovers a subsequent betrayal, it sends her a message that the offender neither regretted the offense nor seriously intended to change.

The crucial issues in working through the crisis are:

• The severity of the offense• The degree of commitment to the relationship• The degree to which the offender is sincerely apologizing• Conciliatory behavior• The capacity for forgiveness• The personalities of each individual

Kevin believed his confession had erased his guilt. He argued his intentions were good and that he lied to his spouse to protect her. Some MSM believe their behavior was unintended or due to extenuating circumstances; therefore, it must be excused. Sex isn't rational but it can be rationalizing. Early LGBT literature described coming out as a linear process typically completed by the mid-twenties. For MSM who have led a heterosexual life, coming out is complex. It is like a sailing ship that tacks from port to port in high seas and heavy winds. Some gay activists criticize MSM as not being "actualized."

The "Prospect Theory" described by economists Kahneman and Tversky suggests that in all decision making, "Losses loom larger than gains." In other words, a decision to remain in the closet is impacted more by the fears of loss rather than the prospect of potential gains. MSM may say they are engaged in homosexual behavior but resist assuming a gay identity because they don't identify with the stereotype. They also don't want to sacrifice the privileges attached to being heterosexual. Being gay and doing gay is not the same thing. One Muslim from the Middle East said, "This isn't about being gay; it's only about pleasure."

Justin Spring in Secret Historian wrote, "If one does not want to suppress his nature and yet is afraid of expressing it, what is he to do?" Future efforts to suppress homosexual attraction may cause MSM to experience sadness; depression and thoughts of suicide; drug and alcohol abuse; and other self destructive behaviors. For MSM, the first question they must answer is, "How would you intend to live your life if the homosexual attractions never go away?" The next step is to challenge the expectations of potential losses and gains from coming out. The MSM client should be helped to understand that he could choose to come out in only a very limited way.

For women married to MSM, the questions are at least as difficult as they are for their spouse. Revelation may lead to public disrespect and loss of social status. Such disgrace may provoke feelings of hatred and a wish to hide or escape. With the risk of re-offending so high, the spouse will need to answer, "Are you willing to settle for so little? Are you prepared for the humiliation of public exposure of your spouse's illicit homosexual activity?" In some cases the straight spouse clings to their relationship with a MSM in a very dysfunctional way, a reflection of her own lack of investment in the relationship.

Couples must address the primary issue: Should they remain married given the permanency of his struggle against homosexual attraction? When couples are committed to remaining married, the question becomes, "Are you willing to modify the rules of the relationship in some way to allow for some same sex expression outside the marriage?" Any discussion of changing the rules must include an exploration of safe sex. If they are not open to modifying the rules, the questions become, "Can you truly forgive your spouse? What will be the consequences if it happens again?"

Whether they remain together or separate, if the straight spouse develops a sense of empathy for the MSM's struggle, it can lead toward more positive interpersonal behavior, reduce the wish to retaliate, and increase motivation for reconciliation. For the straight spouse, healing the assault on her self esteem will also mean reassigning causation for the offense; she must stop blaming herself or her spouse. The offender also needs to be able to see himself and the pain caused by his sexual orientation through the eyes of his spouse.

We expect our partner will always take our interests into account but the reality is that rules are sometimes broken. Forgiveness cannot come without empathy. Without forgiveness, a couple may remain bound together through hatred -- even if they separate and divorce.

Louis B. Smedes said, "Forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future."

I feel infidelity with gay partner can be comparatively better handled than the one with a female partner. Since he is already in a relationship with his wife, I think that it the love and the affection of the wife can play a positive part here.
Emma @ affairs of a husband

Its really depressing for the wife to find that her husband is having an affair with a man. Its really difficult to handle this situation because if it is with a women, all the women needs to know is what the other women has that she does not have and change her to suit her husband.
My recent post. my spouse hates me

I am sorry to disagree, but for me there was NO change that my wife could have made that would have made me less gay and therefore able to remain in the marriage. Being gay cannot be "fixed." In some cases perhaps it can be suppressed to the point one can remain married in the legal sense but it also means repressing the sexual relationship in the heterosexual marriage.

Although what you say may be true, I don't think it is necessarily true that your spouse hates you. I have been married to a woman and neither she nor I hate each other. What I discovered was that I could not be the man she wanted and she couldn't be the man I wanted. However, we came to realize that we are still both good people with admirable qualities.

I love my former wife. Unfortunately I could not love her enough for either of us.

I agree with this comment. My former wife and I do not hate each other; in fact, we still love each other, but as the comment suggests, we couldn't love each other enough in the ways that are essential to a marriage.

I have gay acquaintances and co-workers, and also know other gay people who are quite honest. I have a problem with dishonest, gay spouses who keep lying to their straight spouse. This can put others at risk for contracting deadly STD's.

People are allowed to express themselves in mature contex, but they should not be so selfish as to use deception in a way that it ends up hurting innocent spouses.

I agree. In fact, I agree so strongly that I would say that the sex is not the destructive element in the infidelity. The lies and the loss of trust are ultimately the biggest problem. Trust is very difficult to re-establish once it is lost. It can be done, but the suspicions remain for a very long time.

This is true in both homosexual and heterosexual relationships where there has been infidelity.

Are we to believe couples together for years and years would not notice the slightest of clues one of them is gay? The wife finds her panties hidden and worn in his drawer. Gay porn is in his history. He acts or role plays submissive. If we are all so worried talk to our partners and ask outright if they like the same sex. And if they do then it's fine, make rules about safe sex and stick to them.

Under normal circumstances I would agree with you, but these are exceptional circumstances. Do you know how many parents witness weird behavior from their kids but never ever though that they may be using drugs? Some parents even find the drugs or the drug paraphernalia and have no clue what it is. It's the same with some straight spouses who have secret gay spouses. Some people just process information quite differently from possibly you or I.

This is 2012 and you believe that everyone is savvy enough to even rationalize some of the weird behaviors of their spouse. As a woman who almost married a secretly gay man, I can say that is usually the last thing on your mind. You think of other reasons for certain behaviors, but you usually don't think your spouse is gay.

Maybe it's our cultural influences, as I never ever thought a gay man would want to be with a woman in any way. That was never imaginable in my culture. That kind of thinking comes much later, if you actually get clues that even suggest that same sex activities are going on.

Secretly gay men can be very clever, and are experts at hiding their overt same sex activities. It's like they are two different people who can compartmentalize each persona. The gay one stays out and the straight acting one comes home exhausted from 'working long hours', most times with depressive attitudes, which some wives attribute to low job satisfaction or poor workplace morale.

Most people may never observe any suspicious gay behavior, they may never hear any outrageous voice messages, see any explicit text messages or incriminating emails, cross dressing outfits, or gay sex toys. Many smart, professional women married for 20, or 30 years find out because of technology. Yes, the fact that some gay spouses like to use technology to plan their anonymous hook ups and communicate with their lovers, is how their wives of many years get to find out their true sexual orientation.

Most straight spouses just knew that they had a lousy marriage with little or no intimate contact or emotional connection, but had no other idea that all of that was because their spouse was gay. Most straight spouses blame themselves for their lack luster love life, and lack of sexual intimacy with their spouse, never thinking that they are not the problem.

Contrary to what some people may believe, if a man wants to really hide his same sex orientation from his spouse, community and church, it is easy to do it, especially when he has a wife and a couple kids to use as a smoke screen.

Also many straight spouses today were married in the 60's, 70's and 80's when sex education was not a part of any curriculum. Some people never had a discussion about sex before they got married. Even some of our young people these days get duped because they don't believe gay men and women want to be with the opposite sex.

Education is very important and that is why South Florida Connects (http://www.southfloridaconnects.com) through Connecting The Down Low Clues, is dedicating much time and resources to educate and empower straight spouses all over the world.

Pointing fingers and assigning blame does not help those who are already affected. Straight spouse awareness education will help them, and also help prevent others from walking in those uncomfortable shoes.

I would hope that you can believe that the deception can go on for years without being discovered. It certainly did in my marriage. I never wore women's panties, didn''t spend significant time watching gay porn, and I certainly don't enjoy a submissive role in any sexual relationships. What is ever popular in your comment is the stereotypical description of gay men that don't apply to most of us.

What a bunch of steaming dung. My wife lied to me and herself. People who are such good liars often feel little or no real remorse for their actions. They are excited about their new relationship. Blame the victim much?

I find men who are horny will often give in to things. It's not the woman it's the taboo. I had one who was 60 when I was 35. He was married and had a daughter. He said he was attracted to me (he had known me since I was 5). Now he was submissive to me but in the past he had been aggressive with his wife. My dominance increased and he enjoyed more.

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One of the previous posters stated something to indicate that gay men could easily keep their secrets as they could use their wives and children as smokescreens. Do you honestly think that even 1% of gay men in this situation (married, gay sex drive, children) don't regret everything they have done to hurt others and themselves? Some of us, yes that's me, let our wives know before we married that we had sexual attraction for men. And yes some of us are truly bisexual and could not turn off the drive for men or for women, in my case we married anyway, and it is very hard to manage. I have not strayed outside, but I have come close many times and spend lots of time on gay message boards and watching gay porn. My wife and I discussed finding partners, dominant men, to join us to have sex with me with her in the room, using only the safest of techniques, such as oral sex with condoms. As our marriage gets more mature her willingness for that has dropped to zero. As has her willingness to use toys and assume a dominant role. All I needed was for her to understand and join me for a same-sex sexual romp once in a rare while, and be dominant once a month or so. But she backed off, and now I'm left thinking we should go our separate ways, and how sad because women are so boring in that way.

My experience was considerably different than yours. Honesty was not a quality my husband practiced prior to marriage nor after. Integrity was a total foreign characteristic and his psychiatrist stated he was a narcissistic sociopath (would never accept responsibility for his actions and felt only he deserved anything and could care less about his children). Instead of accepting responsibility for his actions I was blamed for everything even events prior to my meeting him. Of course, his molestation and rape by his father was a key factor which I rather suspect he failed to discuss with his homosexual friends, psychiatrist or key people he later allowed in his life. I only found out about this as he spoke of it in a whisper and I am not sure he knew he spoke aloud. I was never informed of any attraction he had to men prior to our marriage and indeed he stated he was a christian to the pastor who married us. I also did make vows to God and my husband but not to other people so a sexual romp with other people would not be a moral option for me nor would it be for another moral person.

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After 27 years with my husband age 55, he just walked out on myself and his 2 teenage sons. No explanation or warning. Four months later he finally admitted he had moved in with his male lover 14 years his junior.

This time has been horrific for my boys and I and it's not only what has happened but how it has happened.

This man has lived a life of secrecy and lies and while part of me understands his turmoil in not having the courage to be true to himself, he has now destroyed so many relationships that will never be repaired. He had no right to do this to us. Initially using me to cover up his true self and hiding behind me and his sons. Everyone always saying that we were the perfect couple, family and how they looked up to us and aspired to be like us. No friends can believe what has happened, including those who have known him for 40 years.
His Mother and step father are blaming me and have been incredible cruel and hurtful. I have been their punching bag. I have severed all connections with them and my sons have made their own choices to do the same.

The emotional and physical tole on our health has been incredible. All my 27 years with him have been based on lies. I valued what I thought I had and held dear, a man I loved and respected, trusted completely and thought I would grow old with.

So, his sons and I are the victims and he's still trying to punish us. So many things are coming to light that he has done and I'm in disbelief that this once kind, caring, supportive and loving man is doing all this and how cunning, sly, controlling and manipulative he has become.

It would have been so much easier to process and work through if he had some kind of counselling or advice first to find out the best way to handle the process of telling wife, sons and family about his true self. Instead he left everyone asking questions and trying their best to work out what was going on and his sons pleading with him to just come home.

This is also a man who never really had a relationship with his own father and always vowed he would never do the same to his own sons and he hasn't... he has done far worse. It's up to him to repair the relationship with his sons but that will never be.

It just goes to show you can never really know anyone and I won't even get started on the trust issues to work through now.

I myself have just uncovered the horrible truth regard my husbands same sex affairs. I don't think they are emotional, but who really knows. It started about 3 years ago that I began noticing odd things. 3 years he has been lying to me and he has done it with a very straight honest face. To realize he had sex with me in the morning and then with a man the same evening. That was so painful to say the least. How do we deal with that...

I would love to talk to you if you are still active....I will give you my email if you respond. God bless you and your boys and I hope you are all healing from the pain he has caused you.

What all of you fail to recognize is that EVERYONE IS PSEUDO-HETEROSEXUALY MENTALLY CONDITIONED FROM BIRTH. EVERY SINGLE PARENT IS GUILTY OF THIS. THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS THAT MARRIAGE HAVING CHILDREN PROVES NOTHING ABOUT WHO YOU ARE. THE POOR MAN IN THE ARTICLE WAS JUST DOING WHAT WAS EXPECTED OF HIM. THE CLOSET IS A VERY DARK CONFUSING PLACE. IT IS NOT THIS MAN FAULT FOR HIS UPBRINGING. BUT IT IS HIS FAULT FOR REMAINING CLOSETED. THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN IS EQUALLY GUILTY FOR BEING IGNORANT. CLOSET HOMOSEXUALS ARE THE EASIEST ONES TO SPOT. Calling it infidelity is a gross missinterpretation. A marriage based on a massive lie is just a lie. Something the two have to workout between themselves. More importantly the male suject of this story needs counselling regarding being a closet homosexual. Being gay IS NOT A CHOICE. It is genetic. The world is over populated. Nature is trying to correct the over population. Closet homosexuality is pandemic all over the planet. Religion and homophobia are directly related to closet homosexuality. Why havent you read a legitimate book about it? Why do you come to forums looking for answers from people who have no grasp on reality. What people dont want to realize is being gay is genetic. 60% of humans are homosexual. Its up to you to face reality or dig in forums and get lost in misinformation.

" For the straight spouse, healing the assault on her self esteem will also mean reassigning causation for the offense; she must stop blaming herself or her spouse. "

You know ... I really struggle with this (and it's one of the reasons I maintain that gay men -- notice the reverse (a lesbian leaving her straight male spouse) is never addressed in articles like these -- hold fast and tight to their male privilege even as they are obviously oppressed in other ways.

It is *always the woman* who is counseled -- sometimes even browbeaten -- to relinquish her rights, suppress her emotions, refuse to demand support.

Whether gay or straight -- the husband CHEATED ON HIS WIFE. Why does blame need to be "reassigned" away from him in a situation like that??

If someone is about to go "Why the vitriol? Why are you taking this so personally?" it's because I am not the lady spouse, but I have had this happen more than once to the lady spouse in my family and extended family. It is ALWAYS the woman who is pressured to "forgive"; it is ALWAYS the man whose "struggle is supported".

*Both people* are struggling in this scenario. How about we, the society, apportion the support accordingly ...?

" For the straight spouse, healing the assault on her self esteem will also mean reassigning causation for the offense; she must stop blaming herself or her spouse. "

You know ... I really struggle with this (and it's one of the reasons I maintain that gay men -- notice the reverse (a lesbian leaving her straight male spouse) is never addressed in articles like these -- hold fast and tight to their male privilege even as they are obviously oppressed in other ways.

It is *always the woman* who is counseled -- sometimes even browbeaten -- to relinquish her rights, suppress her emotions, refuse to demand support.

Whether gay or straight -- the husband CHEATED ON HIS WIFE. Why does blame need to be "reassigned" away from him in a situation like that??

If someone is about to go "Why the vitriol? Why are you taking this so personally?" it's because I am not the lady spouse, but I have had this happen more than once to the lady spouse in my family and extended family. It is ALWAYS the woman who is pressured to "forgive"; it is ALWAYS the man whose "struggle is supported".

*Both people* are struggling in this scenario. How about we, the society, apportion the support accordingly ...?

Yea,why the hell are women always put in the long-suffering toll role, but the men are to be supported and understood! I call b*******!!! It seems that in many ways women are still living in biblical times or Medieval Time. Disgusting to say the least!!!

Women have been men's scapegoats for all of history and we're damn sick of it! Personal responsibility comes into play here.

Asking who is to blame for the situation is a lesson in futility. It's a no fault situation as far as I'm concerned. Both people are hurting and need support. I have seen lots of couples who can't get past this situation because they only want to focus on blaming the other. Forgiveness can only come when BOTH people accept that they have some personal responsibility for the situation.

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