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Welcome to Life!

By Susanna Wolff ’10, Illustrations by Dr. Ben Schwartz ’03, PS’08

Monday

Move-Out Day

Pack up the sentimental mélange of papers, tchotchkes and outright garbage you’ve collected during the last four years (but leave the bed lifts and one enormous, permanently sticky stain on the rug). It’s time to head to your new home: your old home!

Welcome Dinner with Parents

Get reacquainted with your new/old roommates over a home-cooked meal. Wow! Look at all those vegetables!

Tuesday

Résumé Refresh

Update your résumé with your new status as a Columbia College graduate. Should you list “Microsoft Word” as one of your skills despite the fact that it’s 2017 and even infants are expert typists now? Sure! Gotta fill up that page somehow!

Hit Up Everyone You’ve Ever Met on LinkedIn

And then never log in again.

Wednesday

Email That Person You Met at an Internship Two Years Ago Who Now Has a Cool Job and Might Be Able To Help You

Spend four hours delicately crafting the perfect email subject line to convey both a casual friendship between equals and the professional respect of someone who really, really wants a paying job.

Thursday

Oh Jeez, It’s Thursday Already?

Wake up in a cold sweat with the realization that time is passing at what seems to be an exponentially increasing rate. Remember that it was just a few weeks ago that you were capable of reading four books and writing five papers in a week. Try to muster that same energy and work ethic. Watch 10 episodes in a row of The Good Fight on your parents’ CBS All Access account instead.

Midnight Snack with Mom!

She’s a little worried about you, so she bought those Babybel cheeses you like. Do you want to go to Kohl’s with her tomorrow?

Friday

There’s No Place Like (Another) Home

Look for apartments on Craigslist while you still have dorm-level housing standards. It’s time to spread your wings and really enter adulthood. Oh look, this potential roommate has ferrets! Plural!

Get Back to the Job Hunt

Discover that all the entry-level positions that are even remotely relevant to your interests require at least three years of experience. Each volume that you’ve read of Dante’s Divine Comedy counts as a year of applicable experience, right?

Saturday

Read a Book for Pleasure!

Realize you finally have time to read all the books you wanted to read when you were busy reading other books for school. ...What were those books again? Uh. Hmm. Ask Dad to drive you to the bookstore tomorrow to find the perfect leisure-reading book. Till then, back to The Good Fight.

Pizza Party with Peers

Prepare to get WILD! Text, “What are you up to tonight?” to everyone you still know in your hometown until you get enough people together to seem like this counts as going out. Tell your old friends about Koronet by making a triangle with your arms, then feel a sad, cold sense of loss when you see that no one cares. Was Koronet even good? Or is it your old friends who aren’t good? Is anything good? When attempting to split the bill, discover that you’ve already forgotten all math.

Sunday

Buy an LSAT Prep Book

Maybe it’s time to go back to school.

Susanna Wolff ’10 is a comedy writer living in Los Angeles. Her writing has appeared in The New Yorker and Politico Magazine, and on CollegeHumor, where she was formerly editor-in-chief.