Silly Things People Have Said to Me When I Tell Them I’m Not Having Kids

Yes, I am married. Yes, my husband knows that I do not want children. Yes, we both realize we’re extremely fortunate to be able to elect to live childfree. He doesn’t want kids either. It’s part of the reason I married him. (That, and he has excellent hair.) He married me knowing that and also because I always clean the litter box.

I probably brought up the topic of kids on the second date — it would have been a deal breaker. My husband would make the world’s greatest father. But that alone isn’t reason enough for me to become the mother I’ve never wanted to be, to take on a crushing financial burden or to add more to my already too-full plate.

I love my friends’ children. Because I don’t have to take care of them. Their cuteness is there to fulfill my need to see cute things. I don’t expect them to behave for me, and they don’t expect 18 years of dinner from me. I see this as a good setup.

Not only do I not want children, but I think what really blows people’s minds is that I’ve realized I don’t need them. Apparently some people agree with me, and apparently that’s national news if the August 12, 2013 issue of Time magazine is any indicator: The entire cover story was dedicated to the marvelous epiphany that “having it all” — whatever that even means — for some Americans means not having children. We’ve come far as a country, haven’t we, when a well-established journalistic bulwark recognizes that — gasp — married couples might actually chose to subvert the cultural paradigm and elect to never need a minivan! What’ll they come up with next?I love my friends’ children. Because I don’t have to take care of them. Their cuteness is there to fulfill my need to see cute things. I don’t expect them to behave for me, and they don’t expect 18 years of dinner from me. Gay people having babies? What sorcery is this?

Listen. I’m being real here: I need my sleep much more than I need children. Does that sound selfish? That’s probably because it is! Which is probably one of the top reasons I shouldn’t enter into parenthood in the first place. Which is just so funny because people who have no business being in my business say the darndest things when I tell them I’m not having children. A sampling:

“You should totally do it! It’s a blast!”

I bet having a dog is also a blast, but I don’t even want the responsibility of caring for a dog. You’d probably talk me out of having a dog I didn’t want to care for, so why would you try to talk me into having a human being I don’t want to care for?

“You’ll change your mind.”

This is one of my absolute favorite things that people like to say when I tell them I’m not having children. It’s so funny because it implies they know me better than I know myself. To which I like to respond, “HOORAY! A REAL LIVE FREE PSYCHIC! What else can you tell me about myself that I don’t know? Will I win the lottery? Will I ever finally lose ‘those last stubborn five pounds’ or should I just give up. Also, how will the final season of Mad Men end?? Will we ever find out what really happened on the final scene of ‘The Sopranos’? What other secrets of the universe are you hiding in that magical brain of yours?”

“But what will you do when you’re old?”

Um, let’s see… hopefully spend the savings account that I didn’t drain on summer camp and braces and college on traveling the world, all while dressed like Bea Arthur in the Golden Girls. Playing shuffleboard. Hopefully.

“You’ll just figure out a way to afford it.”

LOL. Oh GOD you are just the funniest thing! Truly, a hoot! You’re a stand-up comic, right? What’s funny about that bullshit is that someone probably shared the same Pollyanna-ish platitude with the millions of people in this country who couldn’t afford kids when they started out and still — even with college educations and decent jobs — never managed to “just figure out a way to afford it.” The other thing that’s funny is that this is another of the benefits of not having kids: you never have to figure out a way to afford it.

“But what if you regret never having your own kids?”

I’d rather regret never having children than have children and regret it.

“But you’ll never know happiness like the happiness of being a parent.”

I’ll also never know what it’s like to have a penis. Or be Cuban! Or be able to dunk a basketball on the 1992 Olympic Dream Team. I’ll also never know what it’s like to change a fetid diaper or what it’s like to have a teenager who devotes months if not years to hating me, followed by decades of passively resenting me. Thank you for your genuine concern regarding the status of my happiness, Deepak Chopra, but as a genuinely content person, I’m living proof that happiness isn’t just reserved for parents and that it’s possible to know happiness without venturing into parenthood. I love it here on the sandy childfree beach upon which I’m currently sunning.

“Why wouldn’t you want to have children if your body is capable of it?”

Yes, someone actually said this to me. My body’s also capable of having a gang bang, but I’m definitely not boarding that bus. So I’m not even honoring that with a response. The side eye was invented for this occasion.

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Tamar Anitai has one husband, two cats, no kids, no car. Midwestern by
birth, New Yorker by a 13-year act of stubborn defiance. Has far more
shoes than regrets. Writes/ edits/ emails/ says stuff on camera for
MTV. Logs her shopping habits at FashionBinge.com. Rap game Bea
Arthur. Yes, she wants see photos of your cat. Tweets @FashionBinge at night, @MTVBuzzworthy by day.

Well-written, funny and completely full of crap. If what you have with your husband is really such a great thing, then it’s only natural that you’d want it to grow and share it with others. If you have a solid partner and you love each other, why have kids? A few reasons not mentioned in your piece. Take on new life challenges together (your love for each other will be stronger), passing the torch (you have such a great thing, so pass on your wisdom and love to your offspring so they can do the same), or if those don’t float your boat – nature/biology (procreation is a survival guarantee that’s been baking into our brains since, well, for a very long time), it’s natural to procreate, and in the animal kingdom (where we humans came from IMHO) it’s a pretty important part of life!

I’m assuming of course you have a solid partner, love each other and can provide an enriching environment for kids to grow up in, which I it seems you indicate you can from your article. If you’re single and choose a no-kids no-marriage lifestyle, more power to you. But to marry, settle down with one person, and just not have kids….I think there’s something amiss.

So for the aforementioned married and/or in love people, what are the good reasons not to have kids? Population control. You live in an extremely over-crowded, poor area, where many kids don’t have a chance at a decent life. That I respect. You have too many problems of your own. Drug addict? Great, don’t procreate. Career criminal? Perfect, use rubbers. Can’t stay with one lover for very long? Awesome, stay single childless. For whatever reason (career maybe) you know you won’t take care of them? Again perfect, and good for you for knowing yourself that well. But your trying to paint the “we have a great life, so would our kids, my husband would be the world’s best dad, but we just don’t want any” picture, and I’m not buying it. If you would have said either you or your husband would make a completely crappy parent, I would have applauded your honestly, and probably not be writing this reply.

Kids don’t bankrupt you, diapers aren’t that big of a deal. It’s just another phase of life. It makes you stronger, your relationship stronger and even if they resent you for awhile, I think it’s better than clinking the same two wine glasses night after night. Also, think beyond yourself, your kids can play a part in shaping the future

And the best reason of all to have kids? If your parents had read an article like yours in their youth, and took it to heart, than poof! you wouldn’t have even been here to write yours

“If your parents had read an article like yours in their youth, and took it to heart, than poof! you wouldn’t have even been here to write yours :).” That would only be true if she’s telling us *we* shouldn’t have kids, which she’s not. If her parents had read the such an article, it probably would have no effect on whether they had children.

Scott- you DON’T get it. Everyone does not want to be a baby-machine. Women have worth beyond our reproductive organs- which is the subtext of your argument- a woman without a baby is “not a real woman”. Lives of married couples are “empty” without living for someone else. A load of crap. There is nothing more selfish than having a child in this overcrowded world.

I work with at risk youth and I see far too many examples of parental abuse and neglect of kids from all races and walks of life. If someone does not desperately want to have children- then they SHOULDN’T- because they will be a terrible, resentful parent with damaged children.
And for the record, I know many people from poor communities, third world countries, single folks and gay couples who would be much better parents than I – so all parts of your argument are nil to a thinking person.

And as for population control- yeah, we’re slowly committing suicide on a global level due to over population. We in the “first world” are the ones using most of the world’s resources and creating the most pollution and waste. So yes, even rich white people (like I assume you are) need to control the number of offspring they have as well, if they want the human race to survive.

As for me, I too am happily married for 10 years, together for 15 and WILL NOT HAVE CHILDREN. We like our friends kids, but we do not want any. There is nothing wrong with us. We are not animals that must procreate out of biological imperative without thinking. We are careful people, and are not part of the masses of sheep who have babies simply because that’s what they are supposed to do. We have careers, we travel, we experience life and our artistic/intellectual pursuits. Child-free and very full filled.

“There is nothing more selfish than having a child in this overcrowded world.”

That is as ignorant and condescending as anything anyone’s said in this thread. Many people believe having children can lead to a joyful, fulfilling life. (for them, not for the original author of the article). Saying these people should be deprived of a fulfilling life with children is just as bad as saying the original author should be deprived of her chosen child-free life.

“So yes, even rich white people (like I assume you are)…”

He doesn’t sound that rich to me. Probably middle income or slightly better.

“And the best reason of all to have kids? If your parents had read an article like yours in their youth, and took it to heart, than poof! you wouldn’t have even been here to write yours”

I’m sorry, that’s just lame. If her parents had never had her, then she would have had no brain to comprehend anything, childfree by choice, parents or otherwise. No one can ever explain to me how a person could care they were unborn if they were unborn and never a person.

“And the best reason of all to have kids? If your parents had read an article like yours in their youth, and took it to heart, than poof! you wouldn’t have even been here to write yours [sic]”

It is bemusing the way Scott smugly intones this statement as if he is the first person in the childfree discussions on the interwebz to make this profound observation.

Scott, if my parents felt this way then you’d be arguing with them that your life choice was the only life choice. Clearly you are rather insecure and need self-affirmation or else you would not be defending your position. A a stranger’s refusal to have kids is a not a criticism of your choice to be a parent.

Oh Scott. I understand that you are resentful of those of us who realize that there is indeed a CHOICE involved when it comes to having children. It must be hard being a Dad, losing your identity to become nothing more than little Johnny’s “taxi”. Hey, I hear ya! Also, I understand your wife and you have struggled through adversity to ensure your children have what’s best and you’ve damaged the love that was once there (as we know, statistics show that children cause increased stress on relationships and divorce is at an all time high). It also must be fun to go to 5 hour long dance recitals, watch your kid suck at soccer in the pouring ran and fork out money to buy them the latest Bratz doll. Keeping all of this in mind though, where do you come off telling us how to make informed life decisions?

I have been happily married for 7 years to the man of my dreams and we have a great life filled with intellectual stimulation, travel, friends and all the things I am sure you wish you had instead of hours of Sponge Bob, drooling offspring and headaches. I’m sure writing this post was liberating, I mean, it’s probably the only adult contact you’ve had in days, but remember this- you made the bed you lie in.

And your whole “it’s animal natural” reasons are a hoot. One thing about humans is that they can make choices. It’s also natural to live outside and hunt/gather your own food – are you doing that? Don’t worry, humans are not going extinct — in fact it’s quite the opposite. The only real danger to humans are other humans. So why have so many humans running around? That’s dangerous!

Scott why would you care if she doesn’t want kids and is happy with that choice?

As a relatively happily married woman in her mid-thirties, who is choosing not to have kids, I relate to Ronnie and the annoyances of those to try to push their will on me. I say relatively, because no marriage is perfect and not every day is a total joy, but on the whole, we love, support and enjoy one another. We want change, but to us that is relocation, traveling or starting a business or charity, it’s not starting a family! Nothing is perfect in life. No matter what path you chose, there is no guarantee that you’ll always feel happy.

I just never felt an overwhelming call to motherhood. I like dogs and cats, staying up late and feeling carefree. I have no doubt that I’d love a child if I had one, but I’d probably love a mansion in Maui too…that doesn’t mean I should change my own life to get it.

I think from a young age, I realized that although my parents loved me, they had my sister and I too young. I think my father especially found it hard to be a parent. I could tell that there was a part of him that regretted marrying my mother and having us, despite his deep love for us.

Instead of being angry at him for feeling like that, I decided to consider why he may have been that way. The answer I came up with, aside from him being a troubled individual, is that in his day few people chose not to take the path of being married with children. He didn’t think there was another option, but fortunately in today’s world there is!

I could also make an argument that more people should chose not to procreate in the interest of global and environmental concerns. Humans in general to me, over value the important of their existence. Perhaps that is a discussion for another day, but I’ll summarize by saying this: in the grand scheme of the universe our individual life spans are truly nothing. So why do we think it’s so important to mark the earth with our presence? This is why I think a lot people have kids, because they foolishly believe it somehow immortalizes them. What they miss is that to be remembered is to have an impact. Having children in most cases, won’t make people remember you, and in some even more unfortunate cases even your own kids won’t think much of you. Don’t we all know someone with kids they have estranged relationships with? Only have kids if you really want the experience and are willing to devote yourself for life to another, because anything else is truly the selfish choice!

For example, my sister, a person who lived a life quite opposite of that of someone who wanted to be parent, is now at 41 and pregnant by a sperm donor. Yes we’re all supposed celebrate her independence and applaud her for her fearlessness, but I know that she just might be one of the world’s great narcissists!

In her twenties she worked hard and partied hard, that resulted in two abortions. In her thirties, she panicked that the right man wouldn’t come along. Seeing myself and her friends start to marry off, she set her mind to landing the first guy who said okay to her grand life plans. So she decided to marry a man 20 years her senior, with two teenage kids from another marriage (ps. he was still married when she met him) and who’d had a vasectomy. Now hearing that you’d probably think, she didn’t want to be a mother, but in fact according to her, she always really did. So they planned on having a reverse vasectomy and started the process of IVF. 4 years and 4 IVF”s treatments later, their marriage crumbled. Within months of separating, she got a sperm donor and is now due to have a baby girl in a few months.

Now I don’t mean to sound harsh, because she is my sister and I love her and I’m excited to have a niece, but when I think of how stupid her path to motherhood has been, it angers me. I wonder what my niece will think in years to come when she asks about her father. I also wonder if my sister won’t unintentionally put a lot of pressure on this kid to be the miracle that will fulfill her life. How is that for a mind f**K?

And if the child is just average, maybe even troubled….will my sister regret this path? One thing I know for sure, even if she does, she’ll never admit! Her ego is too huge to admit that she didn’t know what she was doing! Not to mention, it is still unknown if IVF treatments can lead to cancer or other aliments later in life. Plus with the incredible amount of money she spent on this, she could have adopted and helped to stop hunger!

All this only confirms my desire to stay childfree! Maybe I will regret it one day, but I don’t think so. I plan on living to the fullest and letting the chips fall where they may. I’m okay with not planning every moment in life and leaving some things up to chance. Plus, I’m thankful that I won’t have a someone else telling me I ruined their life!

“If what you have with your husband is really such a great thing, then it’s only natural that you’d want it to grow and share it with others”. What, so if what you and your wife and your kids have is so great, you would bring others into your relationship, like swingers or something?

Scott, you are one of the aforementioned “having no business being in her business” folks. What IS complete crap is to believe that you *must* want to procreate! just you have a happy solid marriage. If she doesn’t want children, she doesn’t want children. Simple. It would be far worse if she went ahead and had them anyway! Can you think of much worse for a child than growing up knowing s/he was never wanted?! I’m not talking about someone having kids, then turning out to be a crappy parent, but who genuinely never having even wanted them in the first place.

Better to know straight out that you don’t want kids, than ruin their lives – and yours – by going ahead and having them anyway. There are enough kids in the world who aren’t looked after properly! Some people are just smart enough to know, beforehand.

This is a blog right? You’re putting your comments “out there” for people to read. Publicly. If you only want people to slap you high-five then maybe you should make this blog private? I found it, read this piece, and responded with what I thought/felt. I do apologize if this isn’t the forum for replies that aren’t all saying the same thing.

I also apologize for saying your article was full of crap, that was harsh! Your article is well-written and your sarcasm is spot-on (being honest). Let’s just say I scrutinize the notion that happily married couples who don’t want kids have a good reason for not wanting kids. I would consider good reasons some of the reason I mentioned, to sum it up for one reason or another you would make a crappy parent or your kids’ lives would be very difficult – then I applaud you not having kids. The same way I applaud bad drivers for taking the bus. But to say your loving husband would make the greatest dad in the world, and you just like to sleep in too much, and so you just don’t want kids, that’s suspect to me. That’s like saying if I took the time I could win a gold medal in the Olympics in swimming, but nah I just don’t wanna, cuz I like to watch TV too much.

Also…

I will never own a minivan
I love my friends’ kids
I love my sleep

Kids are an adventure. What couple in love doesn’t want an adventure? Also, in a sense, kids are NBD too. It’s a lifelong commitment and a lot of work, but name something truly worthwhile that isn’t? Pablo Picasso was a stillborn baby, and Albert Einstein didn’t talk until he was three. So throw out any preconceived notions you have of what having kids “should” be like…

Diapers are seriously NBD…and you may have to change your parents’ diapers when they get old, so kids are good practice at the very least!

Anyway do whatcha like! I’m sorry if I offended anyone by posting a thought different than the author’s. I guess I’m just narrow-minded, condescending and all-knowing? I’m not usually an advocate for kids this intensely(!), or at all, I just like to debate and this article for some reason struck a chord with me…

Would you spend your entire life studying snowflakes? Probably not. Because while one guy thought that was totally worthwhile, not everyone agrees. And if you think changing a baby’s diaper is anything like changing an adult’s diaper, you are in for a rude awakening unless you’re Batman.

Scott, you had every right to disagree with the original posting. And people have the right to disagree with your reply. People disagreeing with you does not mean the blog should have been private

If anything you actually provided more fodder for the article; silly things people say to couples who opt not to have children. Practice for changing our parents’ diapers? The chance of having an Einstein or Picasso? One could also have a Ted Bundy or Adolf Hitler.

Not everybody has the need to procreate. Obviously you did. Despite our success as a species population-wise, the human race is notable for its relatively low offspring output in relation the the frequency with which we copulate. In other words, most of the sex that human beings are having does not lead to children. I submit that we don’t have a need to procreate so much as a need to forge social bonds. Who says those bonds must lead to children?

Jumping out of an airplane is an adventure too. You pick your adventures. Let other couples pick theirs.

One can be an advocate for kids without having to make more of them. Rest assured plenty of couples, happy or otherwise, rich or poor, are having children. Nobody should feel obligated to have children just because they are in a happy relationship or prosperous. Laziness is an excellent reason not to have children. It’s honest too.

See, here I was thinking that NOT WANTING CHILDREN was a perfectly good reason to not have them!! But, now I have to be able to rationalize my decisions to everyone who knows me better than I obviously know myself. Look, some people just don’t want them. It has nothing to do with the strength (or lack thereof) of their relationships, they just don’t want kids, and their reasons why are not for anyone else to judge.

The reason everyone is jumping on you is because you’re proving the author’s point – WHY should we have to justify our decisions to you? Because we’ve somehow avoided the cultural indoctrination that everyone around us is following? How is what an individual does or does not do with their body ANY business of anyone’s, except their own (and that of their partner, in this case)

Your offense was not that you posted a different “thought” than the author’s — it was telling her that she was flat out wrong and that you had the answers.

“Kids are an adventure”? Gee, that’s a great reason. You know what else is an adventure? Spending a summer in an African village helping to dig a well, so that the children there could have clean water for once.

Having kids is not for everyone, just as getting married or becoming a dentist isn’t. Adults are allowed to make their own decisions based on their own circumstances, goals, and philosophies. Maybe if more people thought about the commitment, costs, and possible let downs of having kids (like when they hate you in their teen years and then leave the house at 18 and shutdown all communication), then we’d have a smaller but happier/healthier population.

Scott, you’re entitled to your opinion… but you DO know that stillborn means the baby is dead right? Which would make your Picasso argument moot “Pablo who?”
No, they only THOUGHT he was stillborn, which is not an adventure, it’s a nightmare, and not a way to convince anyone that they’re missing out.

I really appreciate how well-worded, and spelled your responses have been though

Scott, are you suggesting that couples who say they don’t want kids, but not for the reasons you find acceptable, are just deluding themselves? As if, because our reasons are superficial, we actually want kids but are in denial? Now that’s a ridiculous notion.

Couples who know that they don’t want kids and who genuinely would rather spend their time doing what they want would make very bad parents. Or rather, they could be very good parents (if they chose), but inside they would be depressed, horrible people who resent the fact that they have children because they have given over their hard-won freedom to child-rearing. And the child might get a sense of this. Or, if they don’t, why should I sacrifice my own mental and emotional well-being to have children that I don’t want? Why is the existence of a person who shares part of my DNA more important than the happiness of a person that already exists (me)? I don’t find that a good trade. This should be reason enough to not have children (even though, really, you don’t need a reason).

And I guarantee that there are things that you could be good at that you don’t do because you don’t enjoy them. I was good at French, but I didn’t major in it. I hated it, so I dropped it as soon as I was able to in tenth grade. Why should attitudes about children be any different? They should be even more strict because the life of the child would be affected. If I had continued my French education, the only person who would suffer would be me.

And if you ever think that I would change my parents’ diaper you have another thing coming. That is what long term care (or home care) is for, and since I didn’t spend my money on kids, I may be able to afford home care or at least one of the nicer long-term care facilities.

Sandy child-free beaches are my jam (except Sandals – womp womp). Thanks for not subscribing to the belief that we must somehow justify our existence by signing up for a double-decade migraine. I am okay with the peace and quiet. Really. I’m also okay with you not bringing your child to the office. Ever.

…..maybe there are people in the world who just DONT LIKE KIDS and all the time energy and expense.
What happened to “live and let live?”
Why are some breeders so hostile?
I said it. BREEDERS. Now go off on that.

Some women don’t have the urge to have children, that’s their choice. I knew I wanted children by my early 20s and am having my second child, wouldn’t trade them for the world. Unfortunately men don’t understand the maternal instinct or lack there of. Most men have the urge to reproduce, just like Scott said, and some don’t. Just because he is pro children and has strong agreements towards it does not mean he should be attacked by nonparents’. It is a preference thing. And as far as the over population problem, look at the statistics, African Americans hold the highest obesity rates, medical needs, and more children than whites or non Hispanic whites. And from people I have talked too, they don’t want the uncertainty of being denied an adoption, or loosing the important years of the child growing from infancy into a toddler. Some people are okay with adoption but sometimes the kids by toddler age are already psychologically messed up in the head, it depends on the child.

FYI, I was kind of taken aback at the hateful replies I’ve gotten by posting a different point of view. To those people who’ve insulted or said hateful things 1) Shame on you, this is a blog, and we should celebrate our differences (and different points of view) 2) Reminder of this sites Editorial Policies…

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The reason you are getting so many “hateful” replies is because your original comment makes huge unfounded presumptions (ie: if a married couple, who can afford it, does not want children, they must not actually be happily married and/or must not have the potential to be good parents) about the marriages of others, of which you know absolutely nothing about. People tend to react this way when others make sweeping generalizations which are critical of things of which they know nothing about. The entire tone of your comment is ‘I know best’ regarding the state of other individuals’ marriages, based solely on the fact that they may decide not to have children.

It’s interesting to me that you can have so little self-awareness as to be baffled by the fact that people do not like when strangers (who know nothing of the details of those individuals’ personalities or relationships) judge/criticize their relationships.

I think you are the one making huge, unfounded presumptions about me, namely I’m narrow-minded, condescending and all-knowing. And my kids will likely be narrow-minded, condescending and all-knowing too, because of me? So, from my reply to the author’s article you can draw some major conclusions about my kids and I? But I’m presumptuous? And you’re not all-knowing? My “passing it on” point in my original reply had to do with the positive aspects of parents/personalities, if you care to go back and read it

I didn’t state anybody had a bad marriage, or would be crappy parents, that didn’t cross my mind…or my keyboard.

I stated my opinion, and yes it had an all-knowing tone at times, and I apologize for that, but I also used phrases like “I’m assuming…” and “I think…” and “IMHO” (which stands for, by the way, in my honest _opinion_!) which are clearly indications it’s my opinion I’m stating as well.

The author posted a light, humorous piece, and I certainly attacked it without cause. But underneath the humor, and underneath my tone, I think there is an interesting topic, that can be discussed without insults or presumptions. My second post tried to do that, but I’ll probably never get past the tone of my first! Such is life.

“if a married couple, who can afford it, does not want children, they must not actually be happily married and/or must not have the potential to be good parents”

That’s your interpretation of my point, but I think you missed it. Here is my point: If a married couple, who have the means to provide a safe, healthy, stable environment for kids, (and have no glaringly obvious reasons not to have kids), decide not to just “because they don’t want to”, I can’t help but wonder why. And I would be willing to bet, that if they examined their reasons closely, they might find that there’s actually no reason not to, and they wouldn’t regret it if they did.

I could be dead wrong. This is just my opinion based on my life experience thus far.

Underneath all the fabulous humor, the author’s point is (my opinion here): she doesn’t want/doesn’t have time/is too selfish (that’s her word choice) to have kids.

What if you told a good friend there was an amazing place to go for a vacation, but they said no, because they didn’t want to go, didn’t have time to go, or were too selfish to consider going? Would that sit well with you so you’d drop it immediately, or would you make one more case for convincing them to go? I guess that’s where I’m coming from. I would try and make a case. And eventually, if that person clearly had no interest in the vacation, I would drop it, and move on.

And I realize the author and I are strangers, as opposed to good friends who recommend vacation spots to each other, but this is the internet. And this is a public blog. It connects people who would otherwise be strangers, and I hope it continues to do so. The open exchange of thoughts and ideas is a wonderful thing, even if people disagree!

So I guess I’m saying, in general as my opinion, examine yourself closely and carefully before making big decisions. And to take it one step further, as long as you can provide the right kind of environment, having kids, though it’s one major commitment, isn’t as big of deal as you might think, and is most definitely worth any inconvenience it comes with. Something like that. And again, I don’t go around preaching this to _anybody_, ever, except this blog since last night! And I don’t plan on becoming a fixture here, so don’t worry This is solely a result of my stumbling across the author’s original post.

It’s interesting to me that you can have so little self-awareness as to be baffled by the fact that people do not like when strangers (who know nothing of the details of those individuals’ personalities or relationships) judge/criticize them or their kids….I admit my original tone was over-the-top, but I doubt it deserved insults at my kids, or any of the other hating comments

If a couple does not want children, for whatever reason, then they are unlikely to be good parents. Having no passion for something, whatever that something may be, is not conducive to being accomplished at it.
So yes, there is a reason why people who don’t want children would make poor parents, and that is because THEY DON’T WANT CHILDREN. Whatever reasons lie beyond that are both superfluous and no one’s business but their own.

“Vacations” are fleeting and temporary whereas as parenthood, as I understand it, is permanent. I would not convince a person who wanted to have kids not to do so and insist that they should not any more than I would insist that a person who did not want to have kids that they should.

Scott, your comments were acerbic and haughty. That is why readers have taken umbrage. Had you said “I like parenting and I am cool with those who do not want to go there…” then perhaps you would have been better received.

Scott, there is a HUGE difference between a vacation spot and a child. A vacation ends after a few days or weeks and you go back to your everyday life. A child IS for life.

My husband and I have been very happily married for 10 years. We, like the author, have no desire for children. We love each other very much, but know that our genes should never, ever mix. We would probably be adequate parents, and neither of us dislike kids, but we have no desire to be parents. It has no bearing on our marriage, or us as people.

We love adventure. My husband is in the military, and that lifestyle is an adventure in and of itself. I work at a large zoo. Our life is one huge adventure- and it’s enough. We’re fulfilled the way we are and like our life and each other’s company as is. If kids are for you, Scott, and you love being a dad, that’s fantastic, but there was really no need to go looking for holes in the author’s argument when she stands by her choice.

Why should a couple HAVE to justify their decision not to have kids to you?
How is it any of your business?
How does it negatively affect you?
How does it negatively affect anyone else?
Why must everyone be made to have children whether they want to or not? You are operating under the assumption that having children is the default life choice and anyone who does differently must answer to others.

“I don’t want to have kids” is a completely valid reason to not have kids. Why are there so many people who have a problem with people who choose not to have kids? Having kids may have been the right decision for you but that doesn’t mean that it’s the right decision for everyone. Everyone has the right to choose their own path as long as they are not harming others, and choosing not to have children does not harm anyone else at all.

I would never try to convince someone to get a pet DOG that they don’t want, so why do you think it’s okay to try and make couples have KIDS they don’t want?

Don’t you think that all children deserve to be born to parents who ACTUALLY WANT THEM? I do, and that’s why I don’t want any kids. Kids just don’t interest me. If I was forced to have kids, they would have full time nannies from the moment they were born until they were old enough for boarding school, then when they were 18, they’d leave home for good. I would be a cold, distant, resentful mother. I don’t hate kids, I just don’t find them fascinating or particularly pleasant to be around and I’m certainly not interested in risking my health just to incubate a child I am not interested in raising. Not only would it make me miserable, the child would suffer emotionally. Apparently I care more about the welfare of children than you do.

I also resent the implication that I somehow owe it to society to have children. Humans reproduce prolifically. For every couple who chooses not to have children, there are hundreds of millions of couples who will have 1-4+ children, especially couples who are religious, lower income or from Asian/African/Latin American backgrounds. So what’s the panic about? The human species is not going to become extinct anytime soon, and if it does, it won’t be the fault of childfree couples. The difference childfree couples make in population growth is negligible.

To conclude, as a woman who would have to endure pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding and the bulk of childcare duties (since it’s unlikely I will ever have enough money for nannies/boarding school, and even if I did, I’d rather spend it on something more worthy), the burden of responsibility would belong to me, therefore I get to decide whether I want to have kids and my answer is NO.

Jordan: He obviously believes that having children should be the default and that she’s making a mistake by not having kids. Scott wants to push his lifestyle choice on others because he’s insecure and arrogant.

You’re right — we’re complete strangers, and probably our ideological
differences range from slight to wildly divergent depending on the
topic. Honestly? I’m not offended that you called me full of crap.
That’s the risk you run when you put your words and thoughts on the
Internet — anyone with a keyboard may accuse you, and/or your writing
of having the street value of not much more than your basic fart. My
right to share my thoughts, your right to share yours.

I think you may have taken some things out of the piece that weren’t
necessarily there. Our reads were different, but then again I was
sharing more sentiment than fact, so there’s more room for
interpretation. I don’t feel the need to defend myself, but if you
were wondering, there’s nothing amiss in my marriage (as far as I’m
aware!). Not having kids isn’t some kind of a marital coverup. We’re
committed, highly functioning (er, I think?) adults who love each
other. We just don’t think it’s our duty to procreate. Really.

Again, you and I probably don’t have too much in common, but I
actually do respect the fact that you took the time to read my
thoughts and then share your own. I appreciate the fact that, even
though we’re complete strangers, you were concerned enough to
encourage me to think carefully about my actions. Believe me, I have,
but again, it’s somehow comforting to know a complete stranger gives a
shit! It’s a nice little reminder that we don’t exist in the lonely
belly of a vacuum after all. I completely agree: the open exchange and
the fact that technology and instant connectivity allows us to do that
is one of the best things about the Internet. That and cat videos.

One thing on the Internet that I truly can’t stand is the kind of hive
mind that can form on point-of-view sites, when and where an audience
instinctively, almost blindly agrees with a writer or with the top
poster. Don’t get me wrong — I LOVE when people agree with me. It
feels almost as good as sleeping in. But I also love when people do
their own thinking (the subtext of this entire piece is that I did
thinking of my own) and I really do respect the fact that you’re not
afraid to think for yourself and that you shared a differing opinion,
which isn’t always an easy thing to do. Especially when you’re the
lone voice of dissent.

This is a brand-new community and one that I feel fortunate to be
joining in its infancy. I hope that you’ll continue to stay here and
share your voice and views. I like learning and hearing from people
different from me, and it sounds like you do, too. I hope you’ll share
a little bit about yourself — where you’re from, how you found this
article, and what your experience has been like as a parent. The ups,
downs, joys, surprises, money-saving tips for affording diapers and
the like.

This isn’t my site — just my story, But I do hope you’ll stay a while
and this community, which I hope is what this becomes, will embrace
you, regardless of your differing opinion.

Scott, the point of the article I think is that she KNOWS she doesn’t want kids. Whatever the reasons she gives, they are not yours to question. And comparing kids to a vacation is not a good analogy, IMO. Cause kids are definitely NOT anywhere NEAR a vacation. I am 44. I am childless by choice. I get these arguments as well, and don’t you think, as grown women, who get asked these questions; posited these theorem over and over and over since their early 20’s, that we might actually KNOW for REAL that we don’t want children? We’ve not only overcome the nagging, the questioning of our choice, our sanity, our purpose for living, but also have fought the inevitable biological clock. Believe me. When we know we don’t want kids, WE KNOW WE DON’T WANT KIDS. You talking about how it’s not that big of a burden, really (/snort) or being probably one of HUNDREDS to lob this argument at us is not going to change that.

Scott – you just don’t get it. Here’s what you just said above as a means of clarification:

“Here is my point: If a married couple, who have the means to provide a safe, healthy, stable environment for kids, (and have no glaringly obvious reasons not to have kids), decide not to just “because they don’t want to”, I can’t help but wonder why. And I would be willing to bet, that if they examined their reasons closely, they might find that there’s actually no reason not to, and they wouldn’t regret it if they did.

“I could be dead wrong. This is just my opinion based on my life experience thus far.”

Your statement is more than just an opinion. You are assuming to know more than the people who decided not to have kids. Just because someone can provide a safe environment does not mean they should have kids. If they don’t want kids, they should not have kids. There are many reasons for not wanting to have kids. Here are just two: they do not have the parenting instinct or desire to have kids that you seem to have; they want to experience life in a much different way (dedication to a fulfilling career; extensive world travel; continuous education — university, online, self-education; making art; volunteering, etc.).

If I can provide a safe environment to raise kids, then how many should I have? Is one enough? Must I have at least 2 so that they are not “lonely” and so they can love/hate each other? Maybe if I have a really safe home environment I should have a dozen. Am I being selfish if I don’t have as many kids as my wife can possibly pump out?

Your life experiences have led you down one path. Good for you. There are infinite paths to experience life. Many don’t involve having kids. Can you respect that?

People always ask me if I have children. I give a faraway look and say “Not anymore.” The problem is I’ve gotten old enough that it could simply mean they are adults now. So, I’ve had to add, after a pause, “The cats were allergic to them.”

Read this and said hey….that’s my life! Both husband and I don’t want kids, we have 3 cats (I clean litter boxes too), and we look forward to a calm comfortable retirement on a beach! I plan looking good at 80…not tired!

I don’t care about you wanting kids or not, that’s your decision. But to have that kind of sarcasm and be that rude to people who ask you why or try talking you into it isn’t necessary. Yes it is rude of them to say some of the stuff they did but you don’t have to be rude back and say what you did.

I NEVER went into parenthood expecting my children to take care of me when I’m older. Assumptions like that aren’t why you go into parenthood at all. I’m cool with everyone doing their own thing and choosing to not have kids. I’m glad that those that don’t have kids can band together. That said, does it completely absolve you in supporting children and education in general? I certainly don’t think so. I’ve come across several childless couples who complain about taxes breaks and supporting education or children in general. Well, who’s going to be your doctor when you are old and shriveled? Who’s going to build your retirement home? Bring you a latte? It’s the next generation who will, i.e. the kids of your friends. Just don’t forget that while you chose not to have kids, don’t complain about those who aren’t selfish and have given of themselves to raise and support the next generation. When you retire, you’ll need these kids to perform your hip replacement. Don’t complain about the extra taxes you pay while people with children get tax breaks. We are working hard to raise that generation and yes, it’s occasional tough and thankless. Not having kids doesn’t relieve you of all responsibility in raising the next generation.

I do think they are the most wonderful people on the planet and wouldn’t have done a thing differently.

Sorry Rebecca there is no guarantee you are raising the next doctor or builder of a retirement community. You could be raising the next ward of the state. So no, I won’t always appreciate paying for schools where 91% of the kids are a no-show (a recent statistic out of LA County) and I resent the tax break I don’t receive when I still have pay for millions of people in prison who I did not bring into this world.

How do you equate having kids with being unselfish and hence not having kids with being selfish? And is raising children the only hard work that people do? How in your mind did having children become the end all and be all of existence? You are not on a higher moral plane just because you decided to have parents and you do not get to dictate the responsibilities of strangers.

I had the same idea… I will never have kids! Didn’t like them and did not want to commit to raising kids. Then in my early 30’s (& unmarried, but in a long-term relationship) God must have thought I was having too much fun and my birth control failed. Lo and behold I had a baby.
It was hard, I was not good at being a parent. I was over protective and neurotic. But now my wonderful baby boy is now a fine young man who is on scholarship at Cornell and just got accepted into Medical school.
If I had to do it all over…. Yes I would! It would not have been my choice but I am glad it happened.
PS Don’t take antibiotics if you are on birth control pills, apparently it makes the birth control pills not work… Should of read the package insert!!!

I am a mother of 3, and have known since I was a child that I wanted kids. It was my dream. However, just because it’s my dream doesn’t mean it’s everyone’s dream. Some people dream of being a business owner, going on safari, or traveling the world. And some don’t. How boring would the world be if we all wanted the same things out of life?

I commend you for knowing yourself, and your husband knowing himself, so well that you are obviously secure in this decision. Good for you! I hope that you use that same strength and determination in all the things you do choose to go for, because you will go far!

Thank you! I can relate. I posted this on my FB page as well and responses are interesting. There is another response besides the ones you listed. I get quite frequently “But you’d be a great mom.” True, I am capable but I don’t want to be nor do I have to be. There are plenty of people populating this planet.

Hilariously written article! It was as if you were in my head. I am 30 and my husband and I are happily married with no intention of having children. We have our nieces and nephews to get our kid fix. Best part we can impart our wisdom and give them back to their parents at the end of the day. And yes if we like to sleep more than we like to have children, I think that’s a excellent enough reason to not have them. Maybe the next time someone tells me those responses I will just give them your article lol. Thanks again for the great article.

I’m 35. Married for 8 years, together for 10. No kids (but hubby has 2 grown kids from a previous marriage, that I love very much). I’ve heard it all when I say I don’t want kids. I’ve stopped putting up a fight, it’s just not worth it. I’m happy. I’m allowed to be happy. And I choose to do that without my own kids. My choice, our choice. The only choice, for the sake of kids, when you don’t want them. I have a thousand reasons, and they are my own. I don’t judge, and don’t want to be judged. Everyone is free to live the life they want. Want kids? Fantastic! Don’t want kids? Fantastic! Humour always helps getting the message across, whatever the message. Great article. The end.

Wow! What a useless bit of teenager’s diary this garbage is. The first-person Q&A has to be THE MOST annoying and overused trope in the universe. The world’s a better place because this “blogging” narcissist isn’t having children. But who really gives a flying f**k anyway. Children…no children….whatever. If this “blog” passes for worthwhile info these days, the gene pool IQ is more shallow than thought. ChrYst…this tripe reads like a take-away from an adolescent girl’s slumber party. It just goes to show, but over and over, that ANYONE can be a compelling writer…just ask them.

Or, you just obviously don’t agree. In which case, stop side-stepping having to make an actual point insulting the rest of us who were genuinely entertained by the article. And enjoy having a clever voice out there speaking for us—who are clearly in the minority.

I sincerely hope the first wave of gay writers/bloggers who wanted to speak out about gay marriage and offer a bit of dissent, and did so with a bit of humor, weren’t met with the same condescending brush-off.

Maybe some day this POV won’t be such taboo. In the meantime, thanks to the author for adding hers to the mix!

Oh how sick I am of hearing the same questions, generally speaking. I will also say that I am very tired of mothers thinking I care about their children, I don’t. I’m not looking at how cute your baby is in that new outfit, I don’t care. Move your comically oversized stroller out of the store I’m trying to move around in to shop, I don’t care you couldn’t find a babysitter and your husband isn’t the “best husband ever”. Please leave the restaurant I am dining in when your children are crying or running around or crawling underneath the tables, this steak is 45$ and your ruining my romantic evening with my sexy boyfriend ; I don’t care no one will watch your kid(s).

I commend you for saying what so many of us women wish we could say. I have chosen to not have children, my reasons are wholly selfish and I am very tired of defending it, or worse yet, trying to be “guilted” into motherhood by supposed happy mothers.

I look forward to marrying the man of my dreams, with the ring of my dreams on my finger, and the dress of my dreams on my body. All over-priced and fabulous, just like my retirement will surely be. All the while knowing non of it will be kid friendly.

I loved this article. I sent it to a friend who is married and doesn’t want kids and she agreed with everything you said.
I wanted to add to your list of silly things a comment people constantly (yes, constantly!) say to me: “You need to have kids now because you’re getting old”. First, I’m 37, not 87. I do still have some childbearing years left. I know women who have had kids well into their 40s. And these days women are even giving birth in their 50s and 60s (the shock, the horror! Damn sorcery!). Second I would like to have kids but I’m not desperate for them and I choose not to have kids before I’m married because I believe kids thrive in a happy, healthy family environment consisting of 2 parents who are always there for them. Yes, I know there are parents who are divorced or were never married who co-parent to raise perfectly normal kids, but MY choice is to at least begin the child rearing within a loving marriage instead of looking for love by having bastard children. I’d like to get a cat or 2 but with my work schedule and my want for travel, I think it would be irresponsible of me to bring them into my home right now so I would have to be considered irresponsibly to purposefully have kids under these circumstances. So if I have kids, great! If not, that’s ok too. Either way it won’t be before I’m married.

Scott, you are entitled to disagree with the article but its rude and disrespectful to try to force your opinions on anyone else. If you choose to reproduce and are capable of providing for your kids financially and emotionally and have the time to spend with them, etc. then by all means reproduce til your heart is content or you run out of sperm. But don’t presume to know what’s in the heart of anyone who does not have children whether by choice or because of health problems.
Having or not having kids is not a reflection of how happy a person is and having kids will not fill a void in anyone’s life if they don’t actually want kids. If a person does need to fill a temporary void its better to accomplish this by buying a pet, purse or shoes or even “borrowing” someone else’s kid (that can be returned later without the lifelong commitment or expenses).
It is silly to compare having kids to vacationing. As far as I know, the financial and emotional costs of a vacation are nothing compared to the lifelong commitment of raising a child. Or maybe that’s just me wanting to be a GOOD parent and raise children who can easily transition into fully functioning adults. But hey, if you think you have to get married and then start popping out kids to show the world how darn happy and secure you and your wife are then do your thing.
I have no doubt that we could all be Olympic medal winners if we had the drive and ambition to put in the work it takes to accomplish it. But like potential Olympic competitors, if we don’t feel that motivated and choose to spend our time watching tv then that is our choice to make. You can disagree but its not your choice to make. Although, I would rather you advise your professional tv-watching friend to give up on the couch and train for a few years to win a one-off medal than to advise them to give up sleep for a few years to have children which will change their life forever (and not necessarily in a good way).
Maybe I’m selfish, but I would rather spend my wages on one new pair of shoes than to have to spend several years buying diapers, pull-ups, baby food, etc and when I do feel the need to buy a tiny outfit I have a nephew, goddaughter and children of several friends who I can purchase for. Heck, birthdays and Christmas are enough to remind me why I don’t want any of my own right now.
Not all of us need that particular “adventure” in our lives. Some people think wrestling crocodiles is a great adventure but that doesn’t do it for me either. I didn’t see you promoting that. And the “practice for changing adult diapers” argument is so laughable I won’t even bother with that.

To the author: excellent article. Well written with a good touch of humor to a topic that is so frequently pushed upon those of us without kids!

Liked your article. My wife and I were in the same mindset and we did change our minds. That’s not saying you will or should. I only say that because after we had our one we decided NO MORE. We were and are happy with our one. One was enough for many of the same reasons you mentioned above plus selfishly not wanting to share our time with another kid, what if the next one is a dick, etc

Strangely, we get many of the same comments made to us for not having more as you get about not having any. Plus we get other passive aggressive comments to try to guilt us into starting a baby factory. Isn’t your daughter lonely? She’ll be all alone once you die. She’s missing out not having siblings.

And now that we are starting to get too old to safely have more, they are turning their attention to not encouraging us to procreate more but to make us regret our decisions.

After reading all the back and forth..I’m so pleased you ridiculously self righteous people wont be polluting the Earth further with your genetic code…the Earth is far to over populated Raising solid human beings to become stewards of this planet is one of the most important jobs. If you can’t hack, the hard work, dedication to life and genuine discomfort of raising the next generation..thank the universe because we dont need softies like you in the future because i bet its gonna get rough. When im 80, ill sleep better. WORD to Scott!!

Wow. How absolutely uninformed this person is. She assumes she’s being all witty and hip writing this ignorant article. She’s probably assuming she will never develop a debilitating disease in old age, will never die, or her friends will never die, or her husband will never die. Everybody’s gonna be immortal and disease-free! If she’s lucky enough to live into her 80’s or beyond, does she think some sort of senior home will take care of her? Because yeah, they’ll “take care” of her alright. She should have first gone into these places and taken a look at the absolutely horrible conditions these poor people are living in. Even the best facilities with the most caring people are a long and painful death sentence when the residents have no contact with family. And it’s baffling how she thinks the Golden Girls is somehow a fantasy she will eventually become part of, but really, how many people do YOU know are actually living like that in real life (that you can count on more than 10 fingers)? You might as well do something that will land you in prison for life because at least there, you might be lucky enough to be murdered by some disgruntled inmate instead of suffering a horrible existence. Alone. And most likely with some incurable health issue.

I’m a gen Y woman, and I have more sense than this idiot and her posse of “Gen-X sistas” who believe life is somehow better with their made-up fantasies about how to live, instead of cracking open a history book and discovering that, oh, maybe human behavior really hasn’t changed course in the last 5000+ years of civilization. Who will defend you, stand by you, keep you from scams, save you, love you, care for you more than your own flesh and blood in your old age when your mind is playing some serious hallucinations on you? Boy, are they going to do a number on themselves. Should’ve paid attention in school!

Scarlett, the entire point is: it’s a choice. The writer has a choice, so do I, so does every woman. Our forebears fought hard for it, and all of us who took up this particular flag and marched with it. Your point, to the degree t which you have one, is that we’re going to need caretakers when we’re old. My dead grandfather used to say a similar thing when he was beating the shit out of his five kids and his wife, “Whaddya have kids for, ta take care a ya, dat’s all!” You have the same world view as an off-the-boat old-country misogynist. Gen Y FAIL, my dear.

“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.” —Oscar Wilde

Having kids just so someone will be there when you pass away or care for you when you’re old and sick and confused is cruel.

I watched my mother die horribly after a long, painful battle with cancer. I’m currently watching my father die slowly and painfully from Primary Progressive MS. He cannot take care of himself anymore, so my brother and I are doing it for him. I love my parents more than anything and I’m glad that my brother and I are in a position where we’re able to care for our father. But, this is the worst thing that any of us has been through.

I know what it is to take care of an aging, confused parent. I’m glad to do it for my dad. This year I started demonstrating symptoms similar to my dad’s initial symptoms. We don’t know what it is yet, but my husband and I know this: we’re relieved we don’t have children for it. I would NEVER want to put a kid, even a grown kid, through what my brother and I are going through right now with our dad.

How does choosing not to bear children lead you to believe that the writer thinks she is immortal and will never die or get sick. What does one have to do with the other? If it’s so children can take care of you when you’re older, that is the most selfish reason I could ever imagine. Bringing another life into the world so they can be your indentured servant when you’re old and sick is despicable and probably won’t work in the long run. Nursing homes are filled with people whose children don’t visit them.

Having children does not guarantee that they will care for you when you get old. There are plenty of people who do not give a shit about their parents, sick or not. No, no one would likely care more for you than your own children IF THEY GIVE A SHIT. But they might not. And what a truly awful reason to have children (if indeed it is one of your reasons). And sure, it’s possible that my kids might be well-behaved and never scream or have tantrums (but they will poop, and make other messes), but not having kids is a much surer way of ensuring that I never have to deal with those things, and that’s a fact. No kids, no problems that come with kids. Sure, also, no kids, no benefits that come with havng kids. But those benefits are not guaranteed, and I’d much rather stick with the known guarantees of not having kids than the hope that my kids will be awesome and then being disappointed if they are not.

So we should procreate out of fear? Wow what a great reason to have kids! I will tell all my friends and neighbors about this- btw… is one or two kids safe enough? no no- i know stupid question, right? Anyways wish me luck!

I worked in a retirement home where we did take care of elderly people, and most of those people I took care of had children not taking care of them, they were too busy living their own lives and some were already fighting over the money they were going to get. I also know an elderly woman who had 3 children. One died at a young age, the other two decided to never have kids. She has no grandkids and her kids pay someone else to take care of her. She is actually my parents neighbor and they check on her often too and help her. I have a child but I did not have her to take care of me or so I would not be lonely and if I had I think that would have been a little selfish even though that happens all the time I guess. Not that I won’t be glad if she does take care of me and keep me from being lonely at times of course but that is not why I had her. I am also not going to have another sibling for her simply so she won’t be lonely, even though some people tell me I should. She is constantly around neighbor kids and her cousins, and my husband and I both have siblings and we don’t even get to see that often and they live 20 minutes away. Unfortunately families are not as close as they used to be and I hate that but I have learned having a personal relationship with God and being able to make new friends easily that I don’t ever have to be alone. Even though I am married with a child I realize noone needs kids or grandkids or to even be married to not be alone. And what would I do if I lost my child and husband, just go quickly get more so I won’t be alone? Not that I am saying I would never remarry or have more kids but I would not do it just to not be alone, that is using people but it happens all the time.

But then again, I suppose if we’re going to go by survival of the fittest, then she and like-minded ilk SHOULD be eliminated naturally for having the thoughts of a moron, living like a moron, and holding the values of an uneducated moron. I just hate the fact that her vote counts the same as mine.

Scarlett, I am a married childfree woman- and you couldn’t be more wrong. Of course we know that our friends and families are going to die eventually. Death is part of life. However, I don’t want to bring a child that I really don’t want into the world just to have someone to take care of me when I’m old- watch a few episodes of Deadly Women or Snapped and see how many adult children kill their elderly parents because they get tired of taking care of them, or ask any social worker about elder abuse that involves adult children and their elderly parents. Ask any nurse who works with the elderly how many elderly people with children actually have visits from their families, and how many are forgotten. Having children is not in any way a guarantee that you are going to give birth to people who are going to be willing or able (in the case of mental and physical disabilities) to take care of you. Obviously this article struck a nerve- why does it really bother you so much that there are people out there who just don’t want to have kids? It’s obviously not the fact that you are genuinely concerned for her languishing in a nursing home. But I don’t have or want kids, so I’m just a moronic moron who obviously doesn’t know anything about anything that has ever happened in the world at all. Personally, I would rather regret not having kids than regret having them, like my own mother did- I know I’d be a shitty mother and I don’t want to pass down any of my health issues. But I guess that’s just me being a moron.

So what’s your point? Why are you even here? You go about criticizing people for their choices on a daily basis? Is your end goal here to try and get people to do things they don’t want to do because you feel like it’s right?

In case you missed it, she wrote this in the first place as a clear response to all the unsolicited crap she has been getting. She’s essentially being attacked, standing her ground, then you’re blithering about because you have a problem with THAT.

Geez, lady.

You need to go get a hobby.

If we all wanted the same things out of life, wouldn’t that be a little boring? I know you’re better than blinding insulting someone and their “genetic code”—simply because she doesn’t feel the same way you do.

People like you & Samantha are actually the ones holding society back. “And that’s obvious.”

Why are you mad then? If she shouldn’t reproduce, she is doing what you think she should do. Why shouldn’t she have the same civil rights as you? You realize we live in the USA, right? Not having kids has never been considered a reason to deny somebody the right to vote. If you crack open a history book, you should learn that.

I loved this blog post, and thanks for sharing. I also don’t want kids and have had the misfortune of getting some silly responses from women who don’t understand. The worst comment I ever got, though, has actually been said to me by a few different women, and I’m shocked by it. Upon learning that I don’t want kids, these women actually said to me, “What’s wrong with you?” Can you believe that? It’s one of the dumbest, most insulting things anyone has ever said to me.

It’s all kinds of wrong to try to convince other people that their life choices are wrong. Everyone makes their own choices, none of them are “wrong”, even if you don’t agree with them…

When I read this blog post I was delighted. But the more I read comments (on either side) the more I was sad that adults cannot have a conversation without getting into personal attacks on beliefs and opinions of others. I realized that no matter how strongly one believes in their opinion, it is just that, an opinion. And by definition an opinion is neither right nor wrong.

No one has the right to impose an opinion on others; sharing is what opinions are for. Regardless of my thoughts on the matter I try not to judge others on theirs, and everyone deserves the same respect.

Well, I think the people who made the “life choice” to be a rapist or a murderer or other kind if criminal were probably “wrong” in their decisions. Centuries ago when there weren’t that many humans around and life expectancy was half or less of what it is now, the decision to be childfree was a much, MUCH bigger deal than it is now. Problem is, culturally we haven’t grown out of those ideas, even though our birthrate is far higher than our deathrate ( http://www.ecology.com/birth-death-rates/ ) and so there is no longer any need for such a high reproductive imperative. Culturally we need to really start accepting people who decide not to have children, because we’re fast approaching more humans on the planet than we can adequately provide for.

My mother had me because she wanted someone to love her unconditionally. She was unmarried, poor, and hopeful that a child would fill a void. My father broke up with her as soon as she became pregnant, and tried convincing her to have an abortion. Would I have known the difference? Absolutely not! Did their poorly thought our life plan for me and themselves create a tight loving bond? Hell no! Most of the choices my mother made while I was a child were completely selfish and narcissistic and tuned out badly for me. I spent the first half of my life recovering from my childhood, finding True North all on my own and avoiding the pitfalls that many damaged children fall prey to ( apathy, drugs, crime, ignorance). I decided when I was young that parenthood was not for me. And I’ve always been of the opinion that if I change my mind, I will adopt. Or teach. Imagine having an entire class full of kids that you are paid to be with, and you get evenings, weekends and summers off! I taught at-risk youth for a health clinic, many young women who had it much worse off than I did. Many of these emotionally damaged youth embraced the natural biological desire to reproduce and popped out babies like Pez dispensers, just assuming that welfare is the way to go. And seeing that they were treated so callously by the failed adults in their lives, they saw no problem with continuing the cycle of abuse and neglect.
These young people are the ones I’d like to mentor into a healthy space, before they pass it on. Neither I nor anyone needs to have their own offspring, there’s plenty of unwanted babies and children here already. I, like many of the people who’ve commented here already, know that I wouldn’t be able to provide for offspring the way I believe offspring deserve to be raised: in healthy loving nurturing homes with parentS who genuinely are loving and devoted to the adventurous journey.
Selfish? SMART!
(I am in a loving relationship with the man of my dreams, and we agree that parenthood is great for some, but not us. We prefer the already-grown, just-need-guidance variety.)

I used to never want kids. I had pretty much the same opinions as you about all of this, except we never married (still have not) and we don’t have that great an income (I dunno what you make, but we’re raising a family of 3 on less than 30k/yr without gov’t assistance, and we do okay – nobody goes hungry or cold). Our daughter was a bit of a surprise, and we then discussed it at length and decided that our lives needed a change. Having a baby seemed to be the right catalyst – since nothing changes your life more than a child does. If we had been as comfortable in our lives as you and your husband are, we may not have made the decision we did, probably for the same reasons as you.

But I mean, that’s the entire point of having kids, is to change your life. If your life is comfortable without them, and you see no need or have no desire for change, then by all means, don’t change. I do think it’s erroneous to think that you will never change your mind, though. Strange things happen to people as they age, and you never know when or if your biological clock is going to do a number on you. So to say “I will never want kids” is to try to predict the future. You can speculate that you might never want them, but you won’t know for sure till you’re on your deathbed. So even if you’re hard against it now – it only makes sense to leave the door open a crack.

I am always conflicted when I see intelligent, successful people decide not to have kids. On one hand, I know that there are enough unwanted kids in the world, too many kids don’t have parents who love them enough or pay attention to them enough, and the last thing we need in the world is yet another child whose parents didn’t want them or can’t properly care for them (both emotionally and physically – you might be able to provide for all a child’s physical needs and still not be able to relate to them). We’ve got a global population problem that we don’t need to add to.

On the other hand, it’s my strong opinion that it’s the intelligent and/or successful providers that should be making more of an effort to have (or adopt, or foster, or even teach) children, because if there’s one thing the world needs more than population control, it’s proper parenting of the kids that already exist. It’s not specifically your job to do that, of course, and if you and your husband live your entire lives without becoming parental figures of one form or another, I doubt the world will be any worse off in the long run. I guess I just wish that more people paid more attention and effort to the well-being of future generations, instead of just deciding that children are just little servants/accessories/nuisances that are Somebody Else’s Problem.

I really relate to this article too. I’m not as strongly convicted about my choice to not have kids as the author. Or rather, I am, but I still have that sense of possibly regretting it. I think the line I appreciated the most was that I’d rather regret not having kids than have them and regret them. So refreshing to hear I’m not the only woman who feels this way.

Thanks for the fantastic (and funny!) article. My husband and I have never wanted children and we get those same exact responses that you mentioned. I don’t bother having friends who do not respect our choice.

I have to comment because of the pretentiousness of the author. It’s a false sense of security. Her choice to not have kids was thought in the same way “Should I go to college” or “what should major in”. She only has to pass the childbearing age and she’ll be right where she wants. But she’s not taking into account all the variables in life. what happens when her husbands knee blows out and she finds herself dipping in the 401k to pay for him to get better? What happens if he were to die and the next guy she loves wants to have kids? What now? She’s also assuming that the kids aren’t going to give back at some point, they could be more financially able to take care of her when she can no longer work than any money she can earn in this lifetime. So this whole article is a farce. Truth is she’s afraid to live or afraid to die and this decision just gives her a little comfort to think she’s in control. I’d tell her to ask her parents “how much money would like to have instead of having me”…. sounds like a ridiculous question, doesn’t it? …. anyway, that’s my 2 cents.

It is a farce to decide to have kids because your husband’s knee might blow out and you find yourself dipping into the 401(k). How does having no children relate to the possibility of an expensive physical injury? And what does it have to do with possible widowhood later on and meeting somebody who does want kids? Actually your scenarios suggest that it is better to be childless since you might need that money should catastrophe strike and you want to give a 2nd husband his own children and not your progeny from a previous relationship. And how does being childless relate to fear of life and death? And guess what: she is in control of her own reproductive choices. Why does that offend you so?

I love this article. Im sorry i didnt read it sooner. I am 32 year old married woman. Ive been married for 3 years but together with my husband for 13 years. We do not have children and we are completely happy with how our life is. This choice that we made with each other does not mean in anyway we are not commited to one another. I love my husband and he loves me. I too have received many many comments and looks from others on why i dont have children. The response i give them is its emotional aspect i can not dive into. Which is the truth. They look at me with a puzzled look.
Please write more Tamar…..Once again thank you for your words. Best of luck to you!

I would say you have a very good grasp on the subject of parenting even without being a parent I don’t have any caution towards people who don’t want to have kids some people just never will and I do think if you are going to have kids limit it, get a vasectomy if you have too, only have two I don’t like the world continually growing in population but I will say that once you have kids you become attached to them, no matter what you think they make good friends and you couldn’t live without them life is a risk but it is a risk that is worthwhile

I think all the discussion here is totally moot. People like Tamar who doesn’t want children are perfectly fine. She just won’t get to pass her genes to the next generation and there will be fewer people like her. Don’t like people who don’t want children? Just wait a few generation, and all of them will disappear forever!

She never said that it was a law to have kids. Nor did she say that anybody was threatening her. The title of the article is “Silly Things People Have Said To Me When I Tell Them I’m Not Having Kids.” And social pressure to have kids does indeed exist and people who opt not to have kids hear silly reasons for why they should.

People who don’t yearn for children should not have them.
My mother never wanted kids, she was pressured into it by family. She says that when I ‘popped out’ that she instantly loved me and would never change me for a second BUT she was never maternal, she never baked cakes with me or played games, I don’t remember many cuddles or just doing any crafts or anything interesting with her, she never really did anything that mums do (or maybe I just can’t remember). I remember being naughty and her kicking me and saying she “wishes I was never born”, I remember her telling me that she hated me, I know she couldn’t wait for me to leave home. I know I was a difficult child, it must have been hard for her because my parents struggled financially. But I never felt loved. It’s hard for me to write Mother’s Day cards because it feels fake.

Maybe I’m a glass is half empty kind of person, I don’t know. I just feel resentful towards my mum because I never felt loved, and from my childhood I only seem to remember bad stuff, maybe I’m just negative, I have figured it out yet.

My point being, that if people are not maternal or born with the ‘mummy gene’ they can make lousy mothers.

Yeah sure my mum wouldn’t swap me for the world now, I’m the best thing that ever happened to her, she is so proud of me (now I’m out of the house and independent)…. blah blah blah….but it sure didn’t feel like it when I was growing up.
You should only have kids if you REALLY REALLY want them. Otherwise it’s not fair on the child.

Encouraging a child-free person to have kids is like encouraging your male gay friend to marry a women, what may be natural to one person, does not feel natural to the other.

If you want kids, then have them and be happy.
If you don’t want kids, don’t have them and be happy.

This whole argument goes round and around because people will never agree to disagree.

Not having children should only be an issue and cause people great offence and anger, when the human race is nearing extinction, but I think we are ok on that one for the moment. No need to panic.

At 32, I don’t have kids either. Put me in the maybe column and I get a lot of these comments too, which sucks because it’s such a personal decision. I like travel. I like long hours by myself. I like having a savings account.

Reading this is super refreshing because no one says it, everyone just makes me scared that not having kids makes me a super selfish weirdo. Also, I love the line “my body is also capable of having a gang bang..” super funny.

Dear Tamar,
Thank you for your great article, so well written and humorous. I have re-posted it to my tumblr blog and I have a friend who re-posted to Facebook. I wish your article could be distributed at places where young women congregate who lack the fortitude and words to respond as you did to those comments. I wish you had written this 10 years ago.

I am child-free and love that choice for my life. Sadly, it cost me the proverbial ‘love of my life’ who fell prey to parental, co-worker, and friends pressure to be like ‘everyone’ else and have children. So we parted and she had two children. Four years ago she called me out of the blue to say that she regrets her decision and it has not been everything that it was made out to be…”a highly over-rated experience”. Then she cried over what had been lost between us.
I have never looked back since then; I have retired earlier than my peers, traveled the world, and I am truly happier than most of my friends who are parents, based upon what they confide in me.
Keep up the good work, Carpe Diem

As someone who would LOVE to have children, (but is single and getting older so odds are pretty much against it), this makes me happy and sad. I think your answers are amazing and thoughtful and funny and spot-on. The part that makes me sad is how a personal choice gets questioned by other people so often that you have to actually defend yourself.

I totally respect your decision not to have kids. Its as personal as the decision that each person has to make about having kids and you do not deserve to have people offer their commentary on your decision. However, since you posted a public piece about this, I am going to offer my commentary on one point. I think the decision to not have kids just because you recognize that you are selfish is silly. Its like saying you don’t want to get married because you are selfish. And yet marriage, like having children, is a relationship that requires sacrifice and teaches us the value of putting another human being’s needs before our own, which is not a bad thing. It doesn’t mean you have to become a door mat for your kids, or husband, or anyone else. Relationships help make us better people. If being selfless was a prerequisite for having kids, or getting married, or being part of a family, or having a roommate, or being employed in a setting where you will have colleagues, then none of us would qualify.

If you are writing this blog and placing it on the internet, then you are wishing to find validation from others. You must then believe that you actually want kids. By placing it up here, people responding with your own views, hoping to confirm that what you are going is what is best. If you truly believed that what you were doing was right then you would care what others thought. Everyone attacking those with different views to your own, get a life. Having children is a deeply personal event. If you really don’t want to have kids, thats fine, but don’t complain to those that have given everything they have and put it into something to help the future.

I find it interesting that parents assume that, by having children, they are “helping the future”. There is as high a likelihood that a person will harm the future or help with a child, and the likeliest outcome is that they will, at best, have no tangible effect (as this is the case with most people – few of us have any impact on future). It really depends on what your children become and there are never any guarantees that your child will end up helping anyone or anything. No parent expects to give birth to someone who will grow up shooting up an elementary school, selling or using drugs, or ending up living off of entitlements instead of being a productive worker, but some people do have such children.

It can also be argued, and has been for quite some time, that not having children is the best thing you can do to “help the future” as resources are finite, jobs are scarce, and there are already enough people out there. The future, at this point in human history, is best helped with fewer people, not more. If you are happy to have children, good for you, but asserting that it “helps” the future is dubious.

Poor Alice, she must have kids. I reckon most responses come from those who are so defensive because they had kids. It’s sad, I do not know 1 single couple who have ever planned a pregnancy. They have all been accidents, be it happy or otherwise. My sister has 2 children and she said never to have them. My own mother said the same. If someone cares about you, they will understand your decision and respect you. If not, they don’t care about you, merely protecting their own principles at your expense.

I am amazed at how vehement some child-having people are in this thread, and disparaging of the childless. Why the anger? Why the judgement? I just don’t get it. What the heck does it matter so deeply to you whether we have kids or not???

By the way, I don’t believe someone has to have kids or want kids to have a fulfilling life, nor to be a great human being of course. It’s only your vindictive, passive aggressive, selfish, mocking way to address it I don’t like.

You use the word selfish a couple of times which leads me to believe that you do in fact view it as a moral duty to procreate. You cite no examples for your pejorative descriptions of the author. How is it vindictive to list the things people say to those couples who choose to be childless? You never explain your point.

Great Blog! I agree with you on all your points and have felt the same way most my life. Then…dunno something weird happened: I saw kids with their parents and thought “I want one of those”. It was like an instinctual clock got turned ‘on’. It doesn’t make sense; why would I want to put decades into an expensive exhausting often annoying project? The answer – instinct. The same instinct that makes me want that girl with the pretty smile and great boobs, the same instinct that makes you appreciate your husbands hair. So great article, freaking hilarious comparisons, good points, just…don’t underestimate instinct. If it doesn’t kick in for you great, if it does then don’t deny it ;p

[…] one. What happens when a woman thinks (or knows) she doesn’t want to have children? Some very silly things are said. As someone who’s on the fence, I struggle to find answers that make others feel okay about […]

I am a married mother with one toddler, and even having a kid (and LOVING it!) I know exactly where you’re coming from. You see, the stigma isn’t just on married women who don’t want kids at all, but also on we who don’t want more than one. I had a family member ask me a week after having our baby “SO! When’s the next one!?” It wasn’t funny then with dark bags under my eyes, and swollen, bleeding, blistered nipples (TMI? I could get more graphic if you like ), and I still don’t find it funny now, with slightly less dark circles, and calloused, no-longer-bleeding nipples.

My favorite question is “What is your daughter going to do when you two die and she has to do all the funeral arrangements on her own?” I have many choice answers to this. Many. If ever I start my own blog, I’ll list them for you. Oh, and we get the “You’ll change your mind” one too! I’m SO glad there’s people out there who can navigate my complicated brain patterns, because in all my sleep deprivation “I” certainly can’t!

There are many many reasons I only want one. Some are far too personal to share with strangers on a stranger’s blog, but here’s a few reasons for wanting to stop at one:

I want to start a small business: On hold until little miss is less grabby with my strait pins

I want to travel with my family: On hold because hubby wants our daughter to be “able to appreciate it”, so why on this blessed, crazy, mixed up PLANET, would I want to start over with a new one and have to put our travels on hold AGAIN until THAT baby can appreciate it too!?

I want a full 8 hours sleep without having to pass out at 9pm to get it: Yeah. That’s not happening any year soon with just the one, so why the heck would I want to press “restart” and go from my hard-earned 6 hours, back down to feeling lucky when hubby and I get two hours between the two of us?

So good for you for knowing yourself, good for you for knowing yourself so well as to find and fall in love with someone like-minded. That’s great. Keep it up!

I have a boyfriend who loves to have children. We have not married yet. But we both love each other very much. I love him so much because he saved my life.

He keeps nagging me to have children after we get marry. I feel so stressful, frightful and horrifying to hear that every day.
I had at least three big health trauma in the past 10 years. My health does not permit me to have healthy children. Also, I have more than 10 years insomnia. I just start to be able to sleep well the past few months. Like what Tamar said in her writing that she loves to sleep more than children. I do too!!! I want to have my own time. What she says in the above is exactly how I feel. But my boyfriend does not think the same way.

I am a Christian. I had prayed to God to match me with the right person. He is a perfect match, such as education, ethnicity, ,family background and personality etc.. But it is a big surprise to me that he really wants children which hinder us to have a wedding. I don’t want to make him feel regret not to have children for the rest of our life. On the other hand, I don’t want to blame him for any big problematic issues that will come if we will have children. For instance, a baby born with health problem, or I might have serious health issue after delivery, such as cracked pelvis…

I really don’t know what to do with my boyfriend. But I am so happy to read Tamar’s writing. Otherwise, I think I am an “abnormal” woman who does not want to have children. But in fact there is at least one woman who think the same way as I do. How come God does not grant me a boyfriend like Tamar’s husband who does not want kid.

I love children. It is because I love children, so I don’t want to bring one more person to the world to suffer. And my boyfriend is not just asking to have one kid, but at least two. I have headache everyday. HELP!!! We cannot get marry, until this issue is solved.

Hi Ruth,
Thank you for taking your time to response to my frustration/concern. In fact I did think about breaking up with him many times. And I am sure that many of his friends including his parents have told him that we should separate.
I am stuck. He does not let me go and I do love him, but just don’t want children.
I cannot date anyone else because he knows all of my friends which are also his friends.
We have been like this for almost two years. We cannot move forward to get marry or separate either.

I have never seen a man better than him. If he does not change his mind and does not let me go, I prefer to stay single because I am almost certain that there will be no man better than him. He saved my life so I am still here. Anyway, thank you for listening.

I know you’re torn and it seems like you’ll never find anybody else but there’s a great big world out there with lots of possibilities you cannot imagine right now. You don’t have to limit yourself to this one man. You’ll meet more people, make more friends, meet guys who won’t pressure you to have children. And he does not have to let you go. You can go any time you want. You’re a free woman who has the right to do whatever you want. Allow yourself to be happy. Don’t just settle.

Well, I don’t deny what you are saying. Your opinion is certainly welcome and helpful.
I will update you if thing change.
Since I insist not to have children. May be he will dump me one day or we just separate. Because I am sure that his parents don’t like me. Who knows what will happen finally, since we have no commitment yet, I mean a marriage. Thanks again. Your opinion is greatly appreciate!!

I’m 28 and I cannot imagine (nor do I want to imagine) having to take care of a screaming infant. The thought causes me great anguish.

I’ve decided that if I ever become lonely enough, I can adopt a well-behaved 12 to 14 year old who might grow up to become my friend and hang out with me on Christmas. Not a bad idea, really. Help someone in need and gain a family member.

All I know is, I’m too cheap, self-absorbed, vain, and anxious to have a baby.

Well it is now Nov 28th and so much discussion on a sensitive subject. People underestimate the powerful emotion the topic causes.
There is evolution and the mechanics for the species to survive. There is also self awareness. Choice in life, decision making and intelligence. Each human has the right to decide on how that life is lived. When the opposing genders decide to share two individual lives – emotionally – it does not conclude that the equation needs to become 3, 4 or 5+. Such is our success as a species we no longer ALL need to fulfill the requirement to create new humans. Homosexuality is, in the same vein (pardon), part of that life choice. It is amazing that two men or two women should take on board the life of a human (adoption) who may have a less fortunate start, abandoned or other. That is our real strength as a species, that we have a sense of community to each other, a respect of choice. This is were the pro-creators are wrong, we do not have to have children. We may choose to birth them as a privileged successful species. The rest, gay or straight, single or couple can choose to look after children unwanted or uncared for. Or not. The beauty of our evolution. We as a species will carry on to survive and die. We just get to choose, most of the time, if we really want to add to that. it is that simple.

Don’t worry, if you had one kid people would do pretty much the same thing when you say you don’t want anymore. Happens to me all the time. I have not even decided for sure yet but might never have more than. I love my one like crazy but it is hard work!

Hi everyone,
So, I’m finding myself in a pool with many women where before I thought I was standing alone on this topic. I’m 31 years old, happily married, biologically childless and sickly. I’ve been sick for 557 days and the Drs (neurologist, gastroenterologist, endocrinologist, rheumatologist, general practitioner) have yet to determine my case. I was very career-focused when I became sick and was giving back by hosting exchange students starting at the age of 28 when I was still single. I am a Christian and take very seriously God’s command to “subdue the earth and multiply”, but my husband who is twenty years older than myself believes it would be detrimental to my health although I have heard stories of pregnancy being very healing to a woman’s deficiencies. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I flip flop on this constantly and the agreement my hubby and I finally came to was, “Nothing to prevent and nothing to instigate so to speak.” if it happens then praise God. However my problem with that is the lack of planning. Thoughts? Pearls of wisdom to share? Another issue is that when I married I wasn’t a Christian, my hubby still isn’t, politically we cancel each others votes out, we differ on how to raise children, we view money differently and spend it on different things, etc. Just writing these things down and re-reading them it’s completely overwhelming. I think I’ll stick with my puppy and exchange students for now.

It really is a funny article. If you don’t want to have kids that’s completely yours and your husbands decision. But I feel their is condesending tone in the article that is hypocritical. Like those of us that want to have kids are stupid. Don’t do the very thing to others you don’t want done to you.

She is quoting verbatim what people have said to her. If those people come off as stupid, it is their own fault for saying such things. And if you feel condescended to, it is possible you are not entirely secure in your decisions.

There are so many unfit mothers… and when a tragedy happens, you can read everyone’s comment about how they shouldn’t be mothers. Think before you speak people, having kids is each person’s business, thumbs up for this lady. (And, yeah, I’m a mom!)

I’m 33, I’ve been with my husband for 14 years and happily married for 7. We have a great relationship and we both LOVE kids. We always talk about having kids “someday” but working hard and having much fun together, traveling the world, we start to realize that if “someday” we want kids, this has to be in the near future and not postponed by “someday”. So occasionally “KIDS OR NO KIDS”- topic comes up with family and friends and let me tell you they all have their opinion ready for you.
This makes me nervous. All people want to push you in this direction or steer you into the other.
For my husband and I, we haven’t got this figured out just jet.
As I said, we have a solid and good relationship. Some people have kids because they want a new adventure in their life. Is it really? Or is it because after a while they don’t know what to say to each other anymore? Some people say it is because it the ultimate token of their love. Well, for me a token of love also can be a fresh cup of coffee in the morning! Maybe I just don’t get it. Anyway,…
What our (my husband and I) “problem” is, is the fact that we have some life experience when it comes to kids, and we are not naive. The fact is that it can be fun but it’s not all nice and it’s a more life changing (good and bad) than people sometimes expect.
Secondly it’s societies picture that makes it all harder. Face it, in an ideal world, you both have a career, a nice house, financial stability, time to exercise, a social life with lots of friends, you have time for family, you are engaged in the kids’ school, you have time to relax and have time for your partner and this all within a 24/7 time frame. SO when I look around with friends and family, and seeing them doing what society wants them to do, I admire them that they can cope with all the running, the many hours and the stress. That is why I want to ask you following question: “ Are you surprised that more and more people use anti-depressive medication?” That “ BURNED-OUT “ is a syndrome of this time? That all kids have ADHD? That people are less tolerant and more violent? Less patient?
As I said, we love kids and if you ask me there is no “right or wrong” answer to this question.
What we will do, well we don’t know yet, I’ll guess we answer the question like we always did “SOMEDAY”.
And for those who know so well you don’t want kids, … my respect that you know what you want!
For those who have kids,… instead of asking me why we don’t have any, let me reverse the question: WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO HAVE KIDS?

I haven’t read every comment here because, quite frankly, there are just too many for me to spend my time on when I could be out having an incredible and childless adventure with my husband. I did, however, read enough to prompt this:

To Scott and anyone else who deems it not only appropriate but their business to claim that a happily married couple’s decision to not have children is suspect how would you feel if someone accused you of the same. One could make the reverse argument that your marriage must not have been happy and fulfilled if you needed children to a void. How could you possibly have been happy with the relationship you and your wife had if you needed to introduce new human beings to truly fulfill that bond?

If I thought like you, I might assume that my husband and I, as well as all the other brave couples who have made the conscious CHOICE to not have children, must love each other more than those who claim they We NEED children to make our bond worthwhile and meaningful. I would never make such and assumption, however, as that would be rude and ignorant.

This is so perfect in so many ways. I, too, get baraged with the same things you’ve mentioned here, and I’m honestly sick of it. People often ask why I feel so strongly about not having children, and my new response has become “My brother is 10 years younger than me, I feel like I’ve done my raising”. It works about 9 times out of 10, until I get that one who says “it’s different when it’s your own child”. Ok, whatever. Guess, I’ll never know.

Also, I completely agree with one point you made: I’m way too selfish to have children. Does it make me a horrible person to be selfish, or would I be more horrible to bring another human life into this world that I didn’t want? I feel as though I’ve made a very responsible decision in not wanting children. Thank you for being there to give us a voice!

Oh yes, I had sisters that were 9 and 10 years younger than I, whom I pretty much raised during the diaper phase. Then my mom tricked me into taking my sister when she was 16. That pretty much did it for my childbearing instincts. No kids for me, just cats, fish, plants, a garden, a social life, trips when I want, spending my time how I want, and not having to focus my whole being on another person.

@cc I’ll answer your question. I didn’t “decide” to have a child. It happened, and I am so so happy for it. My son was meant to be. He came at the most inconvenient time. And fleetingly, yes I have thought, “I wish I could time capsule this child for five years’ time.” But you don’t always get that choice. And it definitely is a fleeting thought – not one that ever lingers. It is my belief 100% that nobody is ever “ready” to have a child. There is no perfect time – it’s a massive inconvenience, no matter what! You can have the house, the career, the time, the travel out of the way etc., but no time in your life is “perfect” for the lack of sleep you will endure, the worry about what the future holds for your child, the agonising over parenting choices you make, the expense, the end to things you won’t do anymore – or will do less at least, the not being able to leave the house without planning and packing for any scenario. As unimaginable as it is to come up with a time that is “perfect” for any of these things, it’s equally – or more so – unimaginable once you have that child to be without them, struggles, inconveniences and all. I often wonder – and I’m not saying this is what you are doing personally – if when asked questions like this by people without children that they are waiting for someone to have a different response than the cliches you hear all the time. You won’t regret having your child when you do. You will work it all out as best you can. No, it probably won’t be perfect and you will probably strive to be better than you are as a parent forever, but that’s not a bad thing. It’s a noble goal, a worthwhile pursuit. Being a parent does change you. It does open your eyes and your heart to things you can’t imagine. You can be the best Aunty in the world (I actually was!), and be incredibly hands on and think you know kids… but you just don’t, not really, until you’re a mother. It sounds so arrogant and most of the time I hate hearing any parent say it, but I’m sorry to say it’s just a fact. You can’t have something so life-altering happen to you and not be given a different perspective and be forever changed.

Oh, and don’t stress about the ADHD thing and being burned out… I think as much as becoming a parent increases your capacity to love, it increases your productivity. I don’t know many children with true ADHD – I know plenty with parents who don’t discipline their poorly behaved children, though. Watch the Supernanny, you’ll be fine.

haha… kinda sounds like Alice is the one who is angry here. Not sure why–the author is sick of getting hounded by people who are rude to her about her decision. It’s the internet–an excellent place to vent if you ask me.

@Kaeli I don’t find it condescending at all and it doesn’t make me feel stupid. I have 3 kids, btw. The author of the article may feel that having kids IS stupid…for her, but that doesn’t mean she feels the people that DO have kids are stupid.

“You’ll change your mind.”- Not only do I hear that from friends or family, but from doctors as well. I’ve had some female issues and the option for a hysterectomy is there… but the doctors keep saying I’m too young and I might not want kids now, but I will later. This has been going on for years. I’m 30 now and they still think I shouldn’t. Really?! I’ve been saying no kids for the last 6 years docs. The feeling isn’t going to change.

Congratulations – you have considered yourself and made a decision that works for you and your family. I applaud your ability to look honestly at your desires and follow your path. Its a shame that not everyone can be so SELFLESS as to do what is right and instead have children for all the wrong reasons – to fix a marriage, to pass on traditions/bloodlines/family silver, to fill the void of self hate and loneliness left by parents who had children but were actually too selfish to raise them!!

My husband and I are childless by choice too. It was a decision we made together and it works for us. Between siblings and step-siblings, we have 14 nices and 4 nephews- with more probably to come. We adore being an aunt and uncle to them and out friends’ kids.
Five years at the age of 31, I had a tubal ligation and ablation due to serious ovarian issues.Best decision ever! So, even if I wanted to, I could not have a child. It was amazing how different the reacions have been. When I told people we were childless by choice, people give me shocked looks and various arguments. But I told people that I couldn’t have children, then the looks turned to pity- I was even told by a member of his family that we could “buy a baby.”

I know this sounds silly, but I’m genuinely looking for an answer: What should you say to someone who doesn’t want to have kids? I can’t really pull off the “good for you” since I personally want a lot of kids, but at the same time, I can definitely respect that people have to make choices that are right for them. I also think that when I say, “I can respect that,” it kind of comes of condescending because I never seem to phrase it right, even if I’m not meaning to offend. So, folks reading my comments, what’s a good way to respond?

Hear Hear! Another DINK (Double Income, No Kids) here.. and I will NEVER regret it! My biological ticking time bomb got defused a few years ago and it was the BEST thing ever!!! LOVE IT! You go girl!! You’re not alone & it’s a great thing!!

I would say that for this woman, not having children is DEFINITELY the right choice. Her view of raising them is entirely negative, so it’s very good that she has none. If you don’t like something, don’t do it. So I definitely applaud her wise decision. My great-grandmother was not so wise. She actually hated children but had four and sent them away to boarding school every year and ignored them when they came home in the summers. So yes, don’t have children if you don’t want them.

However, don’t downplay the joys of having children, either — of those moments when they leave notes under your pillow or try to make breakfast for you, or turn into wonderful adults. Of course, there are the unpleasant moments, but don’t pretend that having children is always a drudge.

Also, I don’t think that the responses offered up in this article are any more ridiculous than the responses to “Why don’t you have kids?” Think of the woman who said, “Why wouldn’t you want to have children if your body is capable of it?” Perhaps she spent years and years trying to have children, so to her, you’re wasting what she wished she could have had. Think of the people who said, “You’ll just figure out a way to afford it.” Maybe they worried they couldn’t afford children and are offering up what was encouragement to you. These people may not have understood how opposed some are to having children.

So, I guess what I’m saying is that either opinion (kids or no kids) is 100% fine with the right reasons. No need to bash people who don’t want kids, no need to bash those who do.

Why do you tell people you don’t want to have children? Why is that the business of others–even if they ask? When you reply, you invite comment–and when you invite comment, you aren’t able to control what others say to you. I think, personally, that it is a good thing that you are not having children. It is very clear that you don’t have patience with other people whom you cannot control, and I assure you that you cannot “control” children. Please do us all a favor and stick to your decision–because the last thing we need is yet another unloved child whose mother could not be bothered with him.

Perhaps you should be more honest: “I am not having children because I am unempathetic, controlling, and nasty in public about others who have opinions different from my own.” That ought to shut them up.

As a person who feels the same, I LOVE what this author says. And, to the person who talks about being selfish…maybe it is a selfish attitude, but how amazingly grown up of the author to realize that working out her “sefishness” while raising a child isn’t going to do anyone a bit of good.

And, fOb…if this is the attitude and behavior that you think is ok to direct toward another person, I sincerely hope you don;t have children. And, if you do, I hope someone else is raising them. Teaching a child the attitude you show here is just as bad as what you accuse the author of doing.

And, also good for the author for having the courage to say “I don’t want kids” A LOT of the negativity is jealousy, directed toward those of us who choose not to have children…jealousy that we have the courage to live authentic lives and not be forced to do something we don’t want because of pressures of society. Especially when some of that pressure comes from people who want us to have children so we can be as miserable as they are. fOb, don’t worry…we know it is jealousy and we feel for you.

jaclyn0803 Why is good for you a problem? It is good for them. You are not saying you agree, or that you don;t want them yourself…just that it is good for the other person. Can’t see an issue. You can also say, “wow, I am totally the opposite”. HOnestly, any response that doesn’t have you looking at me like I am crazy, or telling me why I am wrong, or pointing out why kids are great is fine. I like kids. I have a photo on my desk of my nephew…I just have no desire for the photo to be of my own child.

@Redhead I hear you. I am now 40 and have noticed that people who do not know me assume I don’t have kids because I was not able to. And, honestly, I rarely correct them. I am free to have a photo of my nephew, who I adore, on my desk without anyone saying how much better it is to have your own. I can laugh at a child story and no one asks me when I am going to have a child. So, do they assume I must have had something awful happen? Yes. But, I would honestly rather people assume there was a tragedy than deal with the people who think the tragedy was not having kids.

First of all, I would never ask a childless couple who I wasn’t very close to about their situation. It amazes me how so many people can have such a strong reaction to things that have absolutely nothing to do with them. admittedly, I can’t help thinking that if a couple is childless by choice there is some selfishness involved and i do believe that some of these couples will regret it someday BUT, i would never that to them. I actually admire their conviction to make the right decision for themselves and to not bring an unwanted child into the world. People who don’t want children and have them anyway are the truly selfish ones! This author seems to have a negative view of the the parent/child relationship which is sad because most kids don’t hate or resent their parents. it’s the only real example of unconditional love there is. The point is, like anything, people have to make decisions based on what’s right for them and no one should be telling them how they’re supposed to feel.

@Bunny I’m almost 40, and I have had very similar experiences! In my case, I married into a giant family/community who are all about having kids. My husband and I have been married for almost 13 years, and they’re so stumped. We love his relatives (and we adore kids, for that matter), but we have fun with our ambiguous responses when they bring up the issue.

@Scott bet you’re one of those guys who, in his twenties, just wanted to get laid and avoided girls who spoke about having kids like the plague. Now you’re all glowing and kumbaya about family life. LOL Get the hell out of here. .

THIS. THIS THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Well meaning
parents who secretly subsist on Chardonnay & unaccomplished life
goals are going to get on this & get sand in their craws about how
you’re just so negative, but screw ‘em. They’re the kind of obnoxious
people who say stuff like this and their kids probably hate them for all
their efforts & sacrifices.

jaclyn0803 probably by not thinking “good for you” is the same thing as “but not good for me, so therefore, not good.” You should grow to understand that “Good for you” is respectful when you mean “I am sincerely proud that you have made a conscientious decision and glad that you are feeling fulfilled in the life you have chosen.” If you don’t mean that when you say “Good for you”, then reassess, b/c you’re not as open to accepting other people’s family choices as you think.

@Julie right! someone else commented on this. it’s so much more refreshing than the constant banter of “but when you have one, it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me” from parents. basically, nosy people will never learn to not be annoying, so don’t try to make them happy. good for you!

All I can say is “Amen”! I knew at the age of 7 that I did not want children. I am now 61 and have NO regrets. I think raising children is a beautiful and noble thing but it is not for me. I did not get the “mother gene”.

So, enjoy, and don’t listen to people. Get that Bea outfit ready. As for me, I’m going to dress like her floozy friend.

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GOOD for you! It is your own choice not to have children, yes. But I will never understand you. NEVER! My child is the one thing in this life that I have done corectly and perfect. I am sorry for you guys beacuse you will never know what true love is, what is it like to have those beautiful little arms around you…Having children is a WOOOOOWWWWW. You should try it some day, and yes you will regret when you are gonna be allone, old with noone by your side I AM Sorry for you.

IAT
good for me, but you feel sorry for me? sorry that the only thing you
did right in your life was something almost any woman can do. I hope you
never understand me b/c you sound really simple. And no, I won’t try it
someday and I WILL NOT die alone- I have friends and family, that’s a
SICK thing to say to someone, so take it somewhere else, loser.

IAT well, that’s predictable. good for me, but you feel sorry for me? I’m sorry that the only thing you
did right in your life was something almost any woman can do and you can use it as some sort of justification for being here. I hope you
never understand me b/c you sound really simple and dull. And no, I won’t try it
someday (b/c it’s something you “try” for fun) so fuckyouverymuch. And I will not die alone- I have friends and family- that’s a
SICK thing to say to someone- sort of like, “I sure hope your child doesn’t die before you”. So take it somewhere else, loser. sad face emoji.

IAT
good for me, but you feel sorry for me? sorry that the only thing you
did right in your life was something almost any woman can do. I hope you
never understand me b/c you sound really simple. And no, I won’t try it
someday and I WILL NOT die alone- I have friends and family, that’s a
SICK thing to say to someone, so take it somewhere else, loser.

IAT Well, I guess we’ll have to agree to feel sorry for each other b/c having a kid to justify your life in which you got nothing correct and so you don’t die alone pissing yourself seems like really selfish, shallow reasoning. So good for you and all, congrats on putting together that one thought based on your own personal experience. I’ll go get pregnant right now since a total stranger says I should.

IAT So that’s the only thing you’ve ever done correctly? That’s really
sad. Another mistake you made was being judgmental when you don’t know
shit about my body or me as a loving person who works with disabled kids
and is an amazing aunt. You don’t know my situation, nor about my
personal definition of fulfillment. Are you my doctor or the boss of my
life? God help your child with all the domineering expectations you
have about how others should live their lives.

I’m 50 and I was one of those people who, when she was younger, people kept telling she’d change her mind later. My husband and I have been together for 27 years and we never had children, though he initially felt he would want to have kids when we first got together. These days, we walk around saying, “I’m so glad that we didn’t have kids.” In fact, he says it more often than I do. We have no regrets about not having children.

For me (and my husband), the issue has been about how we grow psychologically. I think children provide opportunities for growth that is very different than the type that you get without them. Having them offers a certain perspective on life which is of value to those who want it, but some people neither need nor want that perspective.

As someone who grew up a very parentified child (a child who prematurely was made an adult in the family and forced to care for parents with psychological issues – a common experience in families with substance dependent adults like alcoholics), I had no desire to assume this role once I left my family of origin. Frankly, I can’t think of anything more oppressive for me personally. From the age of 12 to 22, I was already a “parent” of sorts to my parents. Those who grew up differently, have different priorities, and different needs may find children enriching and fulfilling.

When people tell child-free couples that they will change their mind or encourage them to reconsider, they are betraying a lack of ability to inhabit any perspective on life other than the one they possess. I can’t imagine this myopia makes for parents who can serve their children particularly well. There are many perspectives and varying needs and lifestyles. I can respect that there are people who find children a wonderful and desirable part of their lives. All I ask is that they respect that some of us don’t find them so.

I, too, was a “parentified” child; my mom had babies 9 and 10 years after I was born. Then I essentially wound up taking care of them. Changing diapers, feeding them, taking them with me everywhere, all the responsibilities of parenthood without actually bearing children. Then at 26 my mom tricked me into having my teenaged sister live with me (sent her down for a “visit” then claimed I had agreed to take care of her), so I got to be a 26 year old parent to a teenager.

So yeah, no kids for me. The only time I regret it is when I lose my remote control.

So, so, so true! As a babyboomer who choose to be child free many years ago I completely agree with all your answers to the questions people ask. And to those who say, “It’s selfish to not have children!” I say that in many cases the most selfish thing people do is to have kids when they really only want them to serve as accessories to their lifestyle or to take care of them when they grow old. While I would never minimize the work and commitment raising a healthy child requires, I also insist that people who have kids should not minimize my contribution to the Universe either. Different paths for different people for sure. Thanks for being so vocal about this!

[…] piece originally appeared on TueNight.com. More from TueNight: Silly Things People Say To Me When I Tell Them I’m Not Having Kids Big Moments in My Big-Breasted History 16 and Not Even Close to Pregnant An Interview with Naama […]

[…] piece originally appeared on TueNight.com. More from TueNight: Silly Things People Say To Me When I Tell Them I’m Not Having Kids Big Moments in My Big-Breasted History 16 and Not Even Close to Pregnant An Interview with Naama […]

Private Eyes, They’re Watching You…

Some of the best stories reveal an author’s most private moments. A love affair, a devastating ordeal, a sliver of a feeling about the world. Those things we might keep hush hush, but the author is willing to reveal — and when they do, we all nod in agreement. That’s great storytelling.