Putin scoops Oscar for ‘Best Invasion’

Russian leader, Vladimir Putin, has seen off the competition by staging the best military occupation of a sovereign state since the illegal invasion of Iraq. Putin, who was also nominated in the categories of ‘Best International Crisis’ and “Best War Film Not Yet Made”, wowed punters at last night’s Oscars ceremony by appearing on the red carpet bare-chested, wrestling a 400lb grizzly bear.

Steve McQueen, the British director of 12 Years a Slave, paid tribute to the former KGB agent for “having the vision to create this breath-taking invasion and the audacity to make it happen". “By flouting international opinion and annexing Crimea and its shitty regional airport in this way -without a single shot being fired - Vladimir Putin has shown us all how it’s done,” McQueen told reporters.

The award represents a huge achievement for Putin, who normally silences his critics by having them injected with radioactive isotopes of Polonium. The Russian leader narrowly missed out on an Oscar five years ago when his invasion of Georgia was universally panned by critics as “dull” and “at least six weeks too long.”

“Crimea”, however, was staged on a budget of several billion roubles and managed to see off late challenges from the Taliban and Sudanese education-reformists Boko Haram. "This award is not about me. It’s about the five million ethnic Russians who don’t want an EU passport and who have never watched Brokeback Mountain on Blu-Ray,” said Putin, fighting back the tears in his acceptance speech. “Stick that in your pipe and smoke it Woody Allen.”

Putin also received several major plaudits for film doctoring, sound editing, visual effects and “best scene involving a big fuck-off tank”. Last night Putin celebrated his historic achievement by locking himself in his room and bingeing on a massive bag of heroin.