Open Mic Night: Share the Punny

After we turned not one but two comment streams a little on the silly side, let’s just go ahead and do this. Preachers are known for bad jokes, cheap puns, and other humour tactics.

So, let’s share a few here. Note: this is about taking a minute and laughing at the truly funny. Save all comments regarding SBC policies, American politics, and anything else serious for some other time and place. Also, ask yourself this question: does Jesus laugh at other people? Humor that mocks ethnicity, disability, or gender has no place in your laugh line, so leave it out. Additionally, if you know a source, source your source. We all know that most of these jokes started one place or another, and we don’t know where we heard them first. Don’t claim one that Jerry Clower told as your own–but don’t stress that you can’t remember where you got it.

You can take Dave’s joke to start with:
Did you guys ever hear the joke about the guy who kept watering down the paint he was using so he could get more out of it. Every time he did, a rain came along and washed the paint away.

Finally, a voice came out of the thunder and said, “Repaint, and thin no more.”

Or there’s mine:

The Hill family was on a car tour of Transylvania. The road was wet, though, and the car spun out and hit a tree right in front of Count Dracula’s castle. The Count and his trusty servant, Igor, went out and brought the Hill family in from the scene.

Unfortunately, despite their best efforts, the family passed away.

The Count mournfully went into the music room and began to blast away on the organ, expressing his sorrow in song. Igor noticed that first Mr. Hill, and then Mrs. Hill, seemed to respond to the notes. As the Count continued to play, the family sat up, well and truly amazed.

Igor ran in and shouted, “Master! The Hills are alive to the sound of music!”

That’s the worst I’ve got right now. Bring it on.

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About Doug Hibbard

Doug Hibbard is pastor of East End Baptist Church in Hensley, Arkansas. He is married to Ann Hibbard, and is the father of Olivia, Angela, and Steven. Doug graduated from Ouachita Baptist University in the last century, then crammed his 3-year M.Div. into 12 years and 3 schools. He can be found at the local buffet by the pineapple-ham-bacon pizzas. WebsiteTwitter

I heard Alistair Begg share this one — There was a certain lawyer, whose name was Odd. As you can imagine, he was the brunt of a lot of jokes because of his name. The jokes at his expense bothered him so much that he left instructions that when he died, his name was NOT to be engraved on his tombstone. He did die (as we all must do) and his heirs placed this inscription on the stone, “Here lies an honest lawyer.” Now, whenever anyone sees the inscription on the stone, they comment, “Now, that’s odd!”

Twas the night after Auburn and all through the land, not a “ Roll Tide “ was uttered by a Crimson Tide Fan.
They used to be boisterous, they used to be loud, they used to be boastful, and cocky and proud.
But they lost all their swagger, they lost all their swing. For one little second had changed everything
The score it was even, the clock had run dry, when Nicholas Saban then started to cry. He demanded a second be put on the clock. The worst that could happen? A miss or a block.
But fate, it is fickle, and greed has a price, and what happened next just wasn’t too nice. The previous kicks, wide left and wide right, so he put in a Rookie, twas not very bright.
The kick was a boomer of 56 yards, but the extra yard needed was not in the cards.
And back in the endzone a lone Tiger stood, he caught that ole football, he caught it real good.
He started to run, he heard the cheers grow. The Crimson Tide offense? Too fat and too slow.
One hundred and nine, he ran for a score, if needed he could have run one hundred more!
The crowd it erupted while storming the field, the Crimson Tide’s season was settled and sealed.
A cry of “ War Eagle“ soon echoed the plain.
Nick Saban’s expression it gave hope to many except Gators and Ducks.
And in Tuscaloosa you could hear a pin drop, and in Tallahassee a tomahawk chop!

A while back, I posted ten different groaners on a comment thread, thinking at least one of them would cause Dave to respond with an emoticon, but, as it turned out, no pun in ten did 🙁

January 23, 2014 6:07 pm

Christiane

now THAT’S funny!

“A joyful heart is good medicine . . . ” (from Proverbs 17)

January 23, 2014 8:02 pm

Tarheel

A man of another denomination asked a southern Baptist minister; “Why is it sir that you all seem to think that southern baptists will be the only ones he heaven?”

The pastor exclaimed; “Well, I certainly do not think that!”

“That’s good to hear” stated the man of another denomination.

The pastor concluded; “I think there might be an Independent Baptist or two around.”

January 23, 2014 6:18 pm

Tarheel

A poor hillbilly man from an extremely small town in South Georgia won the lottery. He decides to take his family on vacation to Atlanta.

The man, nor his family, had ever been outside of their quaint little town. They had never seen all the hustle and bustle of a large metropolitan city, nor had they ever been to a mall. So while in Atlanta area they decided to go to the Mall of Georgia.

While there they were amazed at all the clothes and gadgets they saw…but the father was amazed by a set of doors. For you see, he watched the doors slid open and in went three ‘ugly’ women…as he sat in amazement watching the numbers above the door change 1, 2, 3 he noticed that the 3 light would remain lit for a short time…He would hear a chime and then the numbers would change again…this time backwards…3,2,1 and the doors opened in front of him. He would become even more bewildered as out walked three very, very attractive women. He began to get excited. Yelling and screaming in his South Georgia twang.

He ran around the store calling the names of his wife and children. His oldest son walked up and said…”Dad you are embarrassing us.” To which the man excitedly responded, “Son, I don’t care, I have to find your mama and make her go thru those doors over there”.

Four ministers were walking along a street.
The Lutheran Minister walked into the bar.
The Presbyterian Minister walked into the bar.
The Methodist Minister walked into the bar.
The Baptist Minister ducked.

January 23, 2014 6:37 pm

Chris Roberts

A Presbyterian spotted his Baptist neighbor at the local package store. The Presbyterian walked up to him and said, “Hey man, how’s it going?” The Baptist glanced up, looked quickly away, and mumbled, “I’m sorry, you must have me confused with someone else.”

Shorter variant:

What’s the difference between a Presbyterian and a Baptist? The Presbyterian will actually greet you at the liquor store.

January 23, 2014 9:53 pm

volfan007

A long time ago in the South…in Tuscaloosa to be exact, Penn St. came down South, and was beating the daylights out of Alabama at halftime. Well, to try to get his football players fired up, to come back in the second half, Bear Bryant told his discouraged team, “Boys, I just can’t believe yall are letting those Yankees come down here, and just beat the daylights out of ya like this. I mean, these are the same Yankees, who’s Grandaddy’s came down here during the War between the States, and they burned our Grandaddy’s barns. They stole their food. They raped our Grandmothers. And, they stole our whiskey. Now, get out there, and let those Yankee’s know how you feel about that!”
Well, the team was whooping and hollering, and chomping at the bit to get out on that field, and give those Yankees from Penn St. the whipping of their lives. But, one big ole, 6’6″ 350 lb. offensive lineman came walking up to Coach Bryant…..with huge tears running down his cheeks. And, he said, “Coach, tell me which one of them Yankees stole our whiskey.”

Three Spiritual Truths:
Jews don’t recognize Jesus as the Messiah
Protestants don’t recognize the authority of the Pope.
Baptists don’t recognize each other in the liquor store.

Rene Descartes was sitting in a bar in Stockholm, nursing a bloody mary. He drained his glass and pushed it back across the shiny oaken bar towards the proprietor. The man said, “Another one, Rene?” The philosopher replied, “I think not” and promptly disappeared.

In Medieval days, a princess was carried off to a castle with a deep moat guarded by this giant yellow creature. The king offered any of the knights in the land his daughter’s hand in marriage if they would rescue her from the castle.

Every time one of the knights would try to cross the moat, a giant yellow hand with giant yellow fingers would reach up, grasp the knight and drag him into the moat.

Finally, there was only one knight left in all the land, and he was accompanied to the castle by his trusted page. Alas, he was dragged into the deep by the giant yellow hands with the giant yellow fingers.

But the page suddenly got a pensive look on his face, and bravely walked across the bridge into the castle, rescued the princess and brought her back to the king.

“How did you have the courage to walk through the giant yellow hand?” he asked.

“I knew,’ said the page, “that you should let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.”

I’m 30 and I get it. But then again I prefer to listen to music from the 60’s and 70’s, think the original SNL cast is far better than anything since, and my favorite movie is actually from the 40’s (Arsenic and Old Lace), so maybe I am just a very odd 30 year old.

I had a dream last night, that I was transported to heaven. I was being escorted around the streets of gold by an angel.

Suddenly, I saw Dale Pugh walking toward me with an incredibly, horribly ugly woman on his arm. I asked the angel what was going on, and he said, “Dale cheated on his income tax one year, so as his loss of reward, he is escorted through heaven by this unfortunate woman.”

I greeted Dale with sadness, then moved on. Not too long after that, I encountered Mike Leake with a woman so ugly, she made the woman with Dale look like a fashion model. She was hideous!

So, again, I asked what was happening. “Well, unfortunately, Mike cheated on his income taxes FIVE years, and so he is obligated to walk around with this woman.”

I nodded slightly to Mike, feeling bad for him, then I moved on. But it wasn’t too long before I met another of my Voices friends – Doug Hibbard. Sure enough, Doug was with a woman; the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Drop dead gorgeous. Radiant.

“Wow,” I said. “What is up with that?”

The angel looked at me with sadness on his face and said, “That is Sally. She cheated on her income taxes TEN years.”

I fell asleep again and had another dream. In this one, the same angel was showing me around heaven again. We came to a giant room filled with clocks. Each clock had a name on it. I asked what the clocks were all about.

The angel explained that each one was a “sin clock.” Every believer’s sin was monitored through these clocks. The faster the clocked moved, the more sin was being committed. The slower the clock, the less the sin.

I started looking at some of the clocks. Todd Benkert was having a bad day and Mike Bergman wasn’t doing much better. CB Scott’s clock was spinning pretty quick, but evidently Dr. Willingham was doing incredibly well. Dwight McKissic must have been at a prayer conference or something, his clock was barely moving. It was bizarre to have this insight into the spiritual life of some of my friends.

Then, suddenly, a thought hit me. Where is Bart Barber’s clock? He is a believer, isn’t he? Surely he has a clock. I looked around everywhere, but could not find a clock with Bart’s name on it.

A man dies, goes to heaven, stands before St. Peter, and sees a huge wall of clocks. The man asks what all the clocks are for and St. Peter explains, “These are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time a person lies, the clock hands move.”

Pointing to one, the man says, “Whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s,” St. Peter answers. “The hands have never moved, indicating she never told a lie.”

“Incredible,” the man responds. “And whose clock is that?”

St. Peter responds, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s. The hands moved twice telling us he told two lies in his entire life.”

At this point, a large vehicle flies past at a high rate of speed.

“What was that?” the man says.

Peter replies, “We gang together the clocks of politicians and use them for hovercraft”.

A grandfather took his inquisitive grandson to church for the first time. The Music leader stood and everyone stood with him. The grandson asked, “What’s that mean?” It means we’re going to sing, his grandpa replied.

Midway thru the service, 4 men walked to the front and the boy asked, “Grandpa, what does that mean?” “It means we’re giving our offering.”

When the pastor stood to preach, he took off his watch and the boy asked, “What does that mean, grandpa?” The grnadfather shook his head and said, “Not a thing, son, not a thing.”

A Baptist vocational evangelist wasn’t booking enough dates and needed another gig to make ends meet. He was able to land a job as a lifeguard in the summer. One day he was on his lifeguard stand when a man began to drown out in the water. The lifeguard saw the man, his eyes opened wide, he jumped to his feet, and screamed out “God bless you, I see that hand!”

Ghandi was known to walk barefoot for most of his life. This led his feet to develop some severe calluses on the bottoms of his feet. He also was known to eat very little, which naturally caused him to become very frail. What little he did eat tended to give him some seriously bad breath. Thus it could be said he was a super callused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.