In which Crispy vents about things that are probably very much none of your business about her guilt and her past friendships.

Thoughts

My mom spoke about me and my friendships today, and I spoke with friends about my past friendships as well. I don't know what it is about me or why it happens, but I tend to make very good friends, obscenely good friends with people, which then somehow ends up falling into the pits of a severe break up. It's strange, falling out, you know--it's almost like losing a girlfriend or a boyfriend that you had planned and promised to marry and stay faithful to for the rest of your life.

My mom talked about how generous I could be, and how much I invested into people when I got close to them. I think this is because getting close to people, for me, is pretty rare. Any military kid can tell you what it's like to build roots and have them ripped out from under you a few months later when you're forced to move somewhere new. Getting close to people is not my forte, nor really was it ever--it wasn't until now, being able to sit down and accept the fact that, yes, I've actually been in ONE HOUSE for 5 years for once in my goddamn life, that I was able to really feel alright with being so close to people. Maybe it's why it took me so long to say "yes" to someone who wanted to be in a relationship with me. I don't know.

So I invest. I hurt myself with their problems, and I cling to them when I have my own. I trust, and I listen, and slowly, after a while, I start to make promises, that will, of course, end up inevitably being broken. And I always always bottle up the pain and the rage and all the anger I usually feel when I don't like something, scared to lose the person because of it, only to end up having it break up what i used to have. Because there IS that bottle of rage sitting in the pit of a person's stomach, you know. Fed a thousand times over as it plays hiding place to things you wish you could say or punches you wish you could throw. Until it reaches its fullest amount and you end up throwing punches and saying things at the wrongest time, and they seem incredibly totally uncalled for then, but oh boy had it been festering in that little rage bottle.

Goodbye, promises.

Not to say I haven't dissolved friendships that called for it, I think. Do any of you know what it's like, attracting self-destructive people? It's like standing next to a black hole, you know. Takes and takes but never gives while at the same time threatening to suck you in and tear you up. And it doesn't give a shit either.

But every once in a while I think back to friendships I've lost over that, and can spot one or two where I start wondering whose fault (if there really was any) it was that Everything became Nothing. I'm not talking about faded friendships, where sight and sound slow dissolve from one scene to the next, where the other person happens to disappear from the plot. I mean those sudden thunder-clashes of there and gone, hello goodbye. Sometimes you just don't know what happened, you know? Even standing at the top of Mount Retrospect where you can see how stupid you were in certain situations, there are foggy bits.

Am I just horrible or something?

A Quick (i am a liar) Exampling Story

Once upon a time I had a friend. Let's call her Spodgy or something of the sort. We were rather close and all of that fun stuff, hippity hoppiting our way through plots and stories and forcing each other to draw better (tho all knows I was the one who was too full of herself to really apply herself to all that silly IMPROVEMENT AND PRACTICE stuff everyone who's worth anything loves talking about--damn them). Spodgy and I had gotten rather close, you know, despite all we had going against us, like the fact that I'm a jerk with anger management problems and Spodgy had the massive sin of living in Minnesota of all places. Five years close, as miraculous as that can be! Internet too, where it's easy to lose friends and all that on the typical basis of "you're a lot more annoying than I'm politely able to handle, so I suppose i'll just block you then."

Anywaysers, it was all very well and good until the collegy stuff came about, as we had made some sort of idyllic promise at one another to attend the same school and develop together forever and ever, like some sort of hip-joined Siamese art-twin. Well, I was never aggressive, really (except for when someone asked for a punch in the eye), and was lazier then than I am now (this is somehow possible), and so that all got mucked up, it did. I became very que sera sera, as filipinos do, and said "what will be will be" (as that is what que sera sera means), and that is when the straining came between the two of us, the first surgical cut in the Siamese flesh, I suppose to say. As she was much more insistent than I was, and much more proactive, and so Spodgy encouraged the Crispy-thing to move off her spongey bumbum and get to work as she was promised. And of course I was bothered, because really I had tried (though not as aggressively as I should have perhaps), and things at that moment were very hard on my end and I lamented over just not being good enough.

Blah blah blah other contributing factors, arguments, interlopers, egos, and misunderstandings, and this bottle of rage that everyone (I don't care who you are) everyone has that they keep in their stomach that they slowly slowly fill until it all blows up in the end. Spodgy and I had an argument, we frowned at each other and gnashed teeth and yelled, and then came the definitive I'M BLOCKING YOU period. (That was probably me first). Thanks to the kind attempts of a mutual friend, we did talk to one another again (after angry angry emails back and forth), that seemed to say "alright, we're apologizing, let's be friends again."

And then we never talked to each other again. The End! 8D

Oh one email here, another email there, and then a long period of nothingness before a throw away hello goodbye on IM followed by a continued nothingness...

And then I stop and wonder. Did I stop talking to Spodgy first, or did Spodgy stop talking to me?

You're not the only one. I've learned to drop friends who abuse me in some way very quickly. I'm too old to put up with drama. The friends who do tend to "turn against me" are those who can't stand my opinions. I've gotten to the point where if we can't agree to disagree and arguments become abusive or over the top then maybe we should go our separate ways. I actually have three instances of this, my other friends understand me and love me for who I am and not who they think I should be. I'm ranting really, you don't have to read all of this XD!

Ex-friend 1: was a childhood friend of mine. She moved away ,we kept in touch. When college came around she became very distant. About three years ago we started talking again. I defended a friend of mine that she openly insulted and an argument ensued about me liking yaoi, gay marriage, making up rules about Mary Sues etc.......it was really weird and I just blocked her and ended up not thinking anymore about it. The next week I peek at her journal and she accuses me of copying her. The funny thing is after years of exchanging art she takes the opportunity to say I'm "copying" her when she's pissed off at me. K, whatever, anyone who knows me knows I strive for originality. The character she said I copied from her was one that I had abandoned a long time ago That's all she could do really and she had nothing to back her up. I just let it go and let her sit in her own hatred and lies. Recently, she's blacklisted me on one of Gaia shops...for no reason. I haven't even talked to her in three years.

Ex-friend #2: Was another childhood friend of mine. When we were younger she was a little mean and when I got into my early teens I cut her out of my life. It wasn't until I graduated from high school that I gave our friendship another shot. Everything was great until she got married and got on her high horse again. She pretty much got pissed at me over a sarcastic Facebook status(that had nothing to do with her) and suddenly I was called a loser, that I was unmarried and living with my mom ( I had lived with a now ex-boyfriend for three years...lol...not to mention I'm in my 20s, I'm not ready for marriage), and I shouldn't even bother pursuing my career. I pretty much cut ties with her right then and there XD..according to other friends of mine she had been talking behind my back and tried to start drama with another friend of mine.

ex-friend #3: was an internet buddy but someone I had trusted dearly. We had a great roleplay going on. We had great conversations etc. Things took a turn for the worst late last year. Everytime I brought up how I felt about a current event I was told to "stop whining" and I had to put up with snide remarks here and there that came out of nowhere. I opened a donation pool and she left a shitty comment about how she'd rather help out the people in Japan or people who need it ( with points, really? lol) and then I made the comment on FB that I couldn't stand fanfiction and jumped down my throat........I ended up cutting her off too. I was tired of her abuse and no longer being able to talk to her without getting into a fight. I also got tired of being the one to constantly keep the RP moving with plot ideas, constantly buying commissions of our RP scenes on a very tight budget without her helping, and I pretty much got tired of her abuse as I said before.

tl;dr: you can only put up with so much bullshit until you finally snap and finally you just have to realize that some people won't get along with you and most likely because of your personality traits or opinions. It goes both ways to be honest. But abuse and name-calling and friends who are two-faced should never be "put up with."

i often get way too close with people, and they usually end up leaving or not caring nearly as much as i do and idk. i get how you feel, sort of, even if it's the complete opposite. A lot of times my friends will just drop out of my life, after years of knowing them, and i'm starting to feel like it's my fault, you know? Like no matter what i do or how hard i try, they'll end up getting bored and leaving, anyways. i think friend problems like this happen often, but it still feels horrible every time.

But don't worry, we're all here with an open ear if you need to talk about these sort of things, or even just chat (:

Do any of you know what it's like, attracting self-destructive people? It's like standing next to a black hole, you know. Takes and takes but never gives while at the same time threatening to suck you in and tear you up. And it doesn't give a shit either.

I worry that I might BE that person. Not even intentionally either, just... I dunno. That's why I quarantine myself from others. Probably why I don't have more than a couple of friends I still talk to. I think friendship is a two-way street, and I'd rather not waste people's time and investment in me if I'm really not willing to meet them halfway.

Or maybe I'm not a dick, but I just remember it that way because I'm self-loathing... Either-or.

Being the person that I am, I feel really compelled to reply to this, though I'm not entirely sure how to phrase what I want to say, or if what I want to say has any significance to you or to anything in this regard. Or, you know, if it isn't just creepy of me to be open about the fact that I've mused over this subject (being you and how you affect people) quite a bit.

Alright, yeah, I probably came off creepy admitting that, but ANYWAAAAY...

Maybe a year or almost two ago (GODDAMN, WAS ROUND 1 REALLY that long ago--holy shit) I might have been in a lot more of an agreement with you than I am now about that, but something that I really like is that you sincerely seemed to have grown from all of it. You're not quite the same person, it seems to me, being the silly little bystander as I usually am, that you were then. Toxicity has sort of sloughed off a little, and you're a pretty cool guy.

But ya know, that's me. I can't really speak on the subject of friendship, because I don't know how much you consider me a friend (probably less than I consider you a friend), but I just wanted you to know that. I will also once more embarrass myself into admitting that I look forward to seeing what you have to say about an art piece I posted or a journal entry I wrote, and that I periodically stalk your page to see if you've posted a new journal. I don't care if it's personal or if it's a critique or an observation, I always read it.

The thing is that you've been very open with me about what you think, you've managed to make me laugh on most occasions, and there have been many many times when something you commented felt insightful and encouraging to me on a personal level. It probably wasn't much your intention, but you brought me up when I was down, you know? You were "there" for me in a sense.

And you know, if you don't much consider me a friend and you managed ALL OF THAT ANYWAY, I don't think what level of self-destructive quality you think you have is as bad as you might perceive it to be. You're a good guy.

OH BLAH TL;DR GUSH GUSH GUSH GUSH Bottom line is I've always really liked you and it's heart breaking how hard you are on yourself, so let up a little.

I'm a military brat as well (or well, former I guess, now that I'm in college). Six elementary schools, then a new middle school, where by a weird military mix-up we stay until I graduate high school. I meet the person who is today my best friend. But just because you're friends doesn't mean you're always great with each other. There were a few years in high school, where despite the fact that we saw each other everyday, it was really only because of class and the fact that we were both working in the theatre. We never yelled at each other, never even really had any fights. Maybe we snapped at each other during work, but nothing major. I denied it all was happening. My mother remarked on it years later, so I must have said something at home, and even then I could remember people asking me if we were friends again, wherein I would reply that we had never not been friends. My point with this is that we got over it. We just dropped it and forgot about it and moved on. We went to different schools, so no, we don't see each other a lot, but we check in every few months and I see her maybe once or twice a year. And she's still my best friend. I think (outside of family) she knows me better than anyone. However, I had lots of other friends, a few almost as close as her, who I have not kept in touch with nearly as much. People who I never had problems with at all, people who I would love to still be friends with, and could still hold a good conversation with, but I don't know if we'll ever see/be close again.

My point of telling you this: not everyone is going to stick around, and that's okay. Every time I moved growing up, my first mission upon starting school was to find a new best friend, preferably one who was well established, so that I could become friends with all their friends by proxy. Well wishes and all that, but I've never seen most of them again. I never started to expand my circle/number of friends until I had been in one place for more than three years. But now, looking back, I'm okay with it. I was friends with a lot of people in high school, people I would still have a happy hello for, but I have retained only a few friends. But it's okay, because I made new friends at college, and they keep me going at school, and when I have life startling doubts or need a shoulder to cry on, or need to tell someone how beautiful it is outside and not have them shake their head at how weird I am, I have a few of those old friends.

I know you can get invested in people, but we have to learn that we can't take everyone with us, relationships will end, but it's okay, because we take what we learned from each person with us. And, okay, that sounded very deep and kinda cheesy, but I think it's true. Idk, go see Wicked if you can, all this stuff is in there.

Well, of course that's true, and I acknowledge that friendships end. Like I said, I'm not talking about relationships that end up fading from view--when one is forced to travel and break roots, then communication just has a way of ending. That's a way of life, made even more abundantly clear when you're forced into a situation of constant travel. It's about things that end in a blaze of anger. That's when there's a problem with closure.

Hm... I know how you feel. More or less. And yeah, I know that black hole feeling well. I've cut some ties for that, too. Right now I feel as if I'm the only one with any SENSE around. I'm really not trying to force feed you my problems, but I had an old friend who slowly became more and more bitchy and nasty and cruel. She hurt her closest friend to the point where she walked away, and then the first girl became all-consumed in getting her back. She stepped on everyone around her, used and manipulated them, and pissed us all off over and over. And just this year, I finally stopped forgiving her. Sorry no longer cut it, and I walked off. Now though, the friend she REALLY abused and bullied and scapegoated for no reason is hanging out with her. And I'm slowly becoming more and more isolated, hanging on by my fingernails to the very few solid friendships I have left.

But... the people who have been hurt and KNOW what she's done are forgiving her, and everyone else is so IGNORANT and... UGH! Yeah, my rage bottle is getting closer to the brim every week. *deep breath* Anyways, just so you know, you're not alone, and I know we don't know each other, but if you need to talk or vent, I'll lend an ear. Hope things turn out well for you, dearie.

I...have had a friend like that. She did all that you said above, and eventually, most of the people in the group just ended up abandoning her or avoiding her in general because they couldn't take the bullshit and denied any of it was happening. I don't know why, but, I guess it's also like a black hole in that often times they can really draw people to them, and it's really really hard to step back from things like that for some reason. Even when you know it's bad for you.

I have had an experience a lot like that one with a guy that used to be my best friend. And I tend to bottle up my feelings till one day I just explode too. I wonder now because some of the various arguments we had I always felt very in the right, but did I basically ruin all credibility I might have had by reacting in that explode-y way that I just cannot control. Over a span of like 3 years we'd have a blow out and not talk to each other for months and then come crawling back (maybe it was just me) because I remembered how fun it was once and I wanted that back again but it was never the same after the first argument. He's taken a few mutual friends with him by default of him talking to them more than I do.

Now its my boyfriend that has to occasionally deal with my bursts of pent up frustration. I feel bad that it comes all at once because its so much worse, but at the same time I don't feel like my frustration is uncalled for.

No, you're not horrible, you've just been through an experience most people have more than once, is all. I'd say you're... unlucky? Yes, I think that's it, really. Unless you're a complete back-stabber who wasn't actually 'friendly' with your friends, I wouldn't call you horrible at all.

I think everyone has had a Spodgy in their lives, the trick is just to get over them and not to ally oneself to a Spodgy clone.

...but anyway o3o all I know is I can only get along with people who have no idea how to emotionally cradle me or have any problems they like to throw at me. Basically, our entire relationship is made of inside jokes and fandoms. try making friends through that XD

There is always a Spodgy, and Spodgy will always do this. Spodgy will always be obsessed with change and improvement. If she ever stops changing, or loses that feeling of progress that keeps her from taking real stock of her life, she panics. If you're not the same way, she will either break you, break herself trying, or break away. At least that's always been my experience.

That is exactly what happened to me and my best friend. I tend to type than to talk, but opening up about it is hard; and it probably was the same for you.

The good thing that hypothetically did come out of that is the closure. You two had something unresolved. Probably after that "okay we're friends again", the realization of how you both dealt with each other in the past came as a crushing blow to perhaps one or more parties rather than a relieving soothe and an eventual rebonding to each other. If that never happened, you might have spent more time thinking about the "what ifs". That sort of behavior's very destructive. It's the sort that doesn't let go of the past. So be glad it happened; even though it ended badly.

I think the past is the past; you really don't need to think about the water under the bridge. What you really need to work on is yourself. From the past past journals it's been burdening and concerning, and although it's a form of expression, there's a hint of self destruction, from what I'm picking up. You need to own the badassness that is you. I'm sure we all agree that you're funny, entertaining, and just a person to root for. You just need to root for yourself.

Ah...I'm the same way, really. I had a very, very similar incident happen to me with my own Spodgy. Except, instead of us yelling at each OTHER, one of her friends was doing the yelling FOR her. I spent six years of my life being called a liar, a loser, not good enough, being told my opinions were dumb, not aggressive enough, etc. There's only so many years of being told you were a useless failure that one can take before they lose their sanity and snap.

Finally, that one day, when she had her friend come along to tell me how 'horrible' I was (for supporting Spodgy for six years regardless of whether or not she was wrong, she forgot to add)--I absolutely snapped. I told the both of them to never speak to me again--and they didn't. We still haven't.

I learned then, that you must always have the determination to be your own person. Attaching yourself to a person like that is okay, but you always must remember that they might believe themselves more worth while than you are :S I love all of my friends to death, but I always give myself some 'me' time. No friend is worth that kind of abuse.

I don't have many friends, nowadays. I try to keep them at a distance. But don't let yourself be like that! I'm sorry that all of this happened to you, regardless...

Blech, that describes a lot of relationships I had. I feel the same way, really, about trying to focus on myself at least now and again, but there are some people that make it really really hard, ignoring, of course, my general inability to remind myself that I shouldn't trade out my sanity for someone who wouldn't do the same for me.

I have a tightknit group of friends now, and about a billion other people that I would call acquaintances besides. I figure if you find people that don't treat you like a wall to talk at, or a lump of failures to talk down to, and who actually give a crap about you, then it might be okay to make an investment.

Then again, I thought that about a lot of people who I don't talk to anymore. XDDD Life is too difficult to shove into a box, I guess.

Awesome insightful journal. Happened to me too. That friend was the black hole kind. He had way too many bad things happen in his life and he became something akin to a cynical a-hole. It wasn't his fault really but people tend to distance themselves from people who don't see anything good in anything. No arguements, still talk to him only a lot less then i used too.