Tag Archives: Sexiest Man Alive

Yes, that’s right, I used the word “neckiest.” Blake Shelton is not just a red neck, he’s the red neckiest of red necks. Truth be told though, he does need a big red neck to hold up that gigantic melon he calls his head. His noggin is shaped like a canned ham. A giant canned ham. If his head was a canned ham, a family of twelve could have a nice Christmas dinner with it.

If Blake Shelton is the Sexiest Man Alive, then the Russians have obviously meddled in another one of our elections. Election? I don’t remember voting. Where the hell was my polling place for this train wreck? I guarantee you that if there was an actual election Blake Shelton would never win Sexiest Man Alive.

Look at the relative size of their heads in the picture above. Blake could kill him with a head butt. That’s why he looks so terrified. Think about this: The big stupid head pictured above is allegedly sexier than every other man on planet Earth. Every. Other. Man. Including me! I know. Hard to believe, right? I’m not into guys, not that there’s anything wrong with that, and I could still name ten guys sexier than Blake Shelton.

It just occurred to me that Shel-ton sounds a lot like Shit-Ton, as in Blake Shit-Ton needs a shit ton of hair product for a head that large.

Speaking of planet Earth; remember that solar eclipse we had back in August? That wasn’t the moon blocking the sun. It was Blake’s head. He just walked outside.

Remember when Blake took up with Miranda before his divorce to his first wife? Then he was married to Miranda Lambert and cheated on her? Now he’s on to Gwen Stefani. He’s cheating and sleeping his way to the top. Is this the role model we want for young impressionable rednecks?

Upon being named Sexiest Man Alive, with a dribble of chewing tobacco spit on his chin, Blake said, “I can’t wait to shove this up Adam’s ass,” referring to fellow The Voice judge Adam Levine, who is also a past Sexiest Man Alive. Ooh that’s classy Blake. That ought to play well with the middle America, Honey Boo-Boo, right wing crowd though. You’ve got to be kidding me. I was beaten out for Sexiest Man Alive by that goober? People Magazine, to what lowest common denominator are you pandering? And Blake, if you’ve got a problem with this, I’d love to hear from you.

Want to Win Something? As an aside, my book Time To Lie is still in the running in the AllAuthor.com November Cover of The Month contest. If you voted for me last week, would you mind voting again? And if you haven’t voted yet, why not? Just click THIS LINKand click “Vote.” There’s no sign-up, or leaving your e-mail or anything. If you vote, come back here and leave a comment that you did and I’ll enter you in a drawing to win an e-book, paperback, or Audible version of my book. Thank you! Have a great Wednesday! ~Phil

So now People Magazine is stooping to this. Dwayne “The Failure” Johnson has one movie out and another coming out soon, so People names him Sexiest Man Alive, hoping to gravy train off of his publicity. Sad.

Also, are we going to accept a complete failure as our Sexiest Man Alive? We already did for our Presidency; do we want, as a country, to add another ridiculous iconic has-been as the face of our nation? This is what people should really be protesting about.

I like the angry baby more than Dwayne Johnson

So why do I call him Dwayne “The Failure” Johnson? Let’s take a look at his career, shall we? He played college football, but didn’t make it to the pros in the States. FAILURE! He went to Canada and played briefly in their league and was cut. FAILURE! He went into professional wrestling for a while, but quit that. FAILURE! Every television show he has ever been on, such as Hannah Montana, Cory in the House, and Transformers Prime have been cancelled. FAILURE! Then he made The Tooth Fairy and Jem & The Holograms. FAILURE! That’s right Dwayne. Everyone else may have forgotten, but I didn’t. You made Jem & The Holograms. That’s on your record forever, like herpes. Only that movie was worse than herpes. Can you smell what The Rock is cooking? Yes I can Dwayne. What I smell is a lot of movies that stink. Never won an Oscar. FAILURE! That’s a lot of failing. Let’s face it, any successful movie he’s been in has been carried by someone else. In Fast and The Furious, the cars were better actors than he was.

Is this the example we want for our children? To reward failure? Is the Sexiest Man Alive award now just another one of the participation trophies that gets handed out?

Again, People Magazine overlooked my all too obvious attributes that make me an obvious choice. Dwayne Johnson? Bald. Phil? Head full of lustrous locks. Dwayne Johnson? Too many tattoos. Phil? Just the right amount. Dwayne Johnson’s blog? Non-existent. Phil? Kicking ass in the blogosphere since 2005. Dwayne Johnson employment record? In and out of jobs constantly. Phil? Consistently employed since I was 16. Dwayne Johnson’s books? Not sure if he can even read books, much less write one. Phil? Written several books that are better than you’d think. Dwayne Johnson made Tooth Fairy. Phil? I may have done some stupid stuff in my time, but never anything that bad.

So there you have it. Dwayne “The Failure” Johnson seems like a very nice guy, but what has he really done to earn our respect as Sexiest Man Alive? On the other hand I’ve been here for you to read every Saturday with your morning coffee. Now that’s sexy as hell, right ladies? How many of you wake up and read my blog every Saturday? How many of you wake and and see what Dwayne Johnson did every week? I thought so. I rest my case.

It’s coming. It’s coming soon whether you like it or not. This week the most powerful man in the world will be announced. What? You thought that was that little election from last week? Puh-leeze! Sometime in the next two days People Magazine will announce their Sexiest Man Alive for 2016. I may have been called a lot of things over the years, but, hard to believe, this prestigious title has eluded me. Yes, I know you’re surely saying to yourself, “What? There must be some mistake! How could Phil not already have been named Sexiest Man Alive?” Here are the top ten reasons why I should be:

10. I have a blog: Most of the dopes who are named Sexiest Man Alive don’t have a blog. Heck, we’re not even sure if most of them can read or write.

9. I would look great on money: Why not? Why does money have to feature old, dead Presidents? Most of them are pretty ugly any way. I propose that each Sexiest Man Alive gets to spend the following year as the face on the American one dollar bill.

8. I’m an accessible, man of the people kind of guy: You can e-mail me, comment on my blog, follow me on Twitter and play me in Words with Friends. How often will Leonardo DiCaprio or Chris Hemsworth do that for you?

7. When I’m elected Sexiest Man Alive: I will outlaw corks on wine bottles and mandate they all be screw caps. There’s no good reason we have to continue to use a medieval torture device to open our wine.

6. I’m all natural: Unlike most of the previous Sexiest Men, I’m all natural, no steroids, hair implants or hair dye. I’m 100% pure, all American man.

5. I’m employed: Have you ever noticed that they always choose actors? That’s a fly by night bunch if I ever saw one. Flitting from one job to the next. I’m employed full-time every day and I have health insurance. That’s the American dream right?

4. In you’re life, I’m more important than any of those actors. Think about it. You intentionally look at my picture on this blog several times a week. How often do you go out of your way to look at Channing Tatum or David Beckham?

3. I once dated Kim Kardashian:

2. I was once named Sexiest Blogger Alive so doesn’t it make sense that I should take the next step and ascend to the real throne?

1. If something were to happen to Donald Trump I would be next in line for the Presidency, right?

Come back Thursday for my iconic annual reaction to Sexiest Man Alive announcement. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

David Beckham? Seriously People Magazine? This is 2015, not 1999. That guy has got to be as old as me! He retired two years ago! He’s unemployed. He’s old and unemployed and People Magazine chose him over me for this years Sexiest Man Alive title. If old and unemployed is the criteria then why not choose Gene Wilder or Bernie Sanders?

Me and The Becks used to be besties until “the incident.” Over the years I put up with a lot of s–t from who, at the time, I considered my best buddy. Throughout our childhood I put up with a lot, and believe it or not, as kids I was the one who shined the brightest on the soccer field, or football as some of you say. David came over to the States as an exchange student for the summer and stayed with my family. I was great at soccer while at the time David was a scrawny, awkward teen with braces, glasses, and fashion sense that would make Sheldon Cooper roll his eyes.

Over that three months that Becks was at my house we practiced soccer skills daily. I taught him how to lose those glasses and overcome his 20/400 vision by just trying to see harder. I taught him everything about style and suave-ness. It all was fun and we grew close, until my girlfriend Samantha came over. Then David, jealous of my manly American ways, used the cool British accent, and everything else I had taught him, to woo Samantha. One day I caught them kissing. I was heartbroken and furious with Becks and sent him packing back to England tout de suite.

In the picture above, my head is intentionally in color. It was a special effect the photographer was trying. In fact, Becks is so jealous of me that I bet you could probably find a picture on the internet just like this but with his head photoshopped in. It was at this shoot that I met Vicki, a young aspiring model/singer from the U.K.

Later when I was dating Vicki and helping her get her career off the ground by teaching her to sing, the Becks came back for a visit, seeking my forgiveness. I forgave him, but then later while Vicki and I were at dinner, she left to go to the ladies room and left her mobile on the table. Guess whose text popped up on her screen? When she returned I flew in to a rage, overturning the table and storming out of the restaurant. Vicki of course left me and the rest is history.

Yes, David Beckham may be an overrated, unemployed, girlfriend stealing has-been, but those reasons are not why People Magazine should have chosen me over Becks. Here’s the reason: Later he and Victoria got married and had kids. The marriage and the kids are not a problem. The problem is that they named their children Brooklyn, Romeo, Harper Seven and Cruz. Harper Seven?!!? Are you kidding me? Is there some pretentious Hollywood cult that teaches these idiots to give their children ridiculous names? Scientology maybe? These people have to be stopped. You cannot reward this type of idiotic behavior with Sexiest Man Alive Awards. What if the kids with idiotic names grow up and procreate with other kids with idiotic names and then they name their kids with more idiocy? We’ll have a world of people named after random directions, numbers and inanimate objects. How confusing will that be?

You know what should be rewarded with Sexiest Man Alive Awards? A good blog, steady employment and kids with normal names. Have a great Wednesday! ~Phil, aka The REAL Sexiest Man Alive.

It’s that time again. Next week People Magazine will name their Sexiest Man Alive. Last year I was oh so close. I’m hoping this is my year. Here is what I wrote about it last year.

(11/20/14) Yes, it was a small crumb of acknowledgement yesterday when People Magazine named me Sexiest Blogger Alive. I’ll take it, but I’m not happy about it. That’s like being named the second smartest Kardashian. I wanted the big award. I wanted Sexiest Man Alive, but again, People overlooked me for a far inferior candidate.

Chris Hemsworth?!!? Are you kidding me People Magazine? I’m not even sure if he’s Captain America, Thor or The Hunger Games! And he’s Australian! Australia has their own People Magazine and they didn’t name him their Sexiest Man Alive. If he can’t win an award in his own country then why should we give him our awards? If he was any good at acting shouldn’t Kangaroo Barbecue Magazine named him Sexiest Bloke in TheOutbackor some such nonsense?

aceshowbiz.com

That’s it. That’s the best picture of Chris Hemsworth that I could find on the internet. There weren’t really that many to be honest with you. Kinda makes me wonder how popular this guy really is. There’s also one more thing I wonder about him. In his family there are three brothers: Liam, Luke, and Chris. Do you see a problem there? I do. His brothers names both start with the letter L. Chris’ name does not. It very clearly starts with the letter C. Suspicious don’t you think?

All the other sibling names start the same, but his is different, making me think that he might be different; perhaps adopted and already had the name so they didn’t change it. If he’s adopted, that means he could be the son of anyone in the world, including Osama Bin Laden. Or worse yet, he might be a Bieber, Lohan or Kardashian! Maybe his name is really Kris Kardashian.

This is what the People Magazine cover should have looked like. I could have and would have volunteered to write my own profile for them. Did Chris do that? I doubt it. In fact we have no proof that he can write. Have you read his blog or any of his books? Of course not! He doesn’t have any blogs or books. He’s a total illiterate as far as I can tell!

So People named an illiterate, girl haired, possible son of Bin Laden their Sexiest Man Alive over me. This is wrong in so many ways. Excuse me, I think I need a moment. If you didn’t click on the links for Sexiest Blogger Alive and Kangaroo Barbecue Magazine you probably should.

As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor please share (with People Magazine) by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below. Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Yes, it was a small crumb of acknowledgement yesterday when People Magazine named me Sexiest Blogger Alive. I’ll take it, but I’m not happy about it. That’s like being named the second smartest Kardashian. I wanted the big award. I wanted Sexiest Man Alive, but again, People overlooked me for a far inferior candidate.

Chris Hemsworth?!!? Are you kidding me People Magazine? I’m not even sure if he’s Captain America, Thor or The Hunger Games! And he’s Australian! Australia has their own People Magazine and they didn’t name him their Sexiest Man Alive. If he can’t win an award in his own country then why should we give him our awards? If he was any good at acting shouldn’t Kangaroo Barbecue Magazine named him Sexiest Bloke in TheOutbackor some such nonsense?

aceshowbiz.com

That’s it. That’s the best picture of Chris Hemsworth that I could find on the internet. There weren’t really that many to be honest with you. Kinda makes me wonder how popular this guy really is. There’s also one more thing I wonder about him. In his family there are three brothers: Liam, Luke, and Chris. Do you see a problem there? I do. His brothers names both start with the letter L. Chris’ name does not. It very clearly starts with the letter C. Suspicious don’t you think?

All the other sibling names start the same, but his is different, making me think that he might be different; perhaps adopted and already had the name so they didn’t change it. If he’s adopted, that means he could be the son of anyone in the world, including Osama Bin Laden. Or worse yet, he might be a Bieber, Lohan or Kardashian! Maybe his name is really Kris Kardashian.

This is what the People Magazine cover should have looked like. I could have and would have volunteered to write my own profile for them. Did Chris do that? I doubt it. In fact we have no proof that he can write. Have you read his blog or any of his books? Of course not! He doesn’t have any blogs or books. He’s a total illiterate as far as I can tell!

So People named an illiterate, girl haired, possible son of Bin Laden their Sexiest Man Alive over me. This is wrong in so many ways. Excuse me, I think I need a moment. If you didn’t click on the links for Sexiest Blogger Alive and Kangaroo Barbecue Magazine you probably should.

As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor please share (with People Magazine) by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below. Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to create laws that limit choices. If you’ve ever been a parent you know what an agonizing torture it can be when you accidentally give a young child a choice of three or more things.

Parent: Ok Suzie, for lunch would you like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a bologna sandwich, or a live, struggling rat on a fork?

Suzie: I like peanut butter and jelly because the peanut butter is sticky in my mouth but the jelly is slipperier and makes the peanut butter slide down. I kind of want bologna though because it’s fun to say. The rat on a fork is nice because his little feet will be tickley when he’s going down my throat. Ok, I’ll have soup. What kinds do we have?

Parent: Aaaargh! (Pulls fork out of rat and sticks it in own forehead)

Unfortunately children like Suzie grow up to be adults like the two dolts in front of the Coke machine in the picture above. Earlier this week I found myself behind two such dolts. I love the new Coke machines that have over 100 possible combinations! I love the chance to create all sorts of creative flavor concoctions. Some people, however, should never be given this many choices.

I’m sure the two fully grown gentlemen who found themselves confronted with over 100 possible combinations were as overwhelmed as I might be if the pilot of my plane passed out and I was chosen, because of my blogging expertise, to land the plane while wearing mittens and a blindfold after three glasses of Merlot. (Yeah, that’s just how I roll, bitch)

Apparently the soda machine dolts were pondering this life changing decision as if it were, well, life changing. For them, sadly, it probably was. I became so frustrated waiting that I was tempted to scream at them, “Get out of my way you idiots! You’re not splitting the atom or curing cancer, It’s soda pop for God’s sake! And yes, you obviously should go with the Diet Coke. Morons.” These are the same kind of nimrods who at the bank machine seem as if they’re trying to pull off some complicated multi-step financial maneuver that would result in a hostile takeover of the Swiss banking system, when in reality they’re just trying to check their balance so that they can go to the supermarket and write a paper check for two items while you’re behind them in the express checkout line.

So, obviously when I’m elected President or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I will be a benevolent ruler. Here is what I propose: At a very young age everyone will be given an I.Q. test and have their fingerprint taken. The two pieces of information will be paired in an internet cloud server. Then, in any instance in which humans are allowed choices they will first have to press the fingerprint scanner. The higher your I.Q. the more choices you get. If you take too long to make a decision you’ll be downgraded in the system and have fewer options next time. In general that’s how life works, but now with technology giving everyone lots of choices the dolts are slowing up everything. Why should the rest of us have to suffer? Don’t worry, if you’re smart enough to read The Phil Factor you’ll have lots of choices.

As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor I’d love it if you did some of that social media sharing voo doo by hitting one of the buttons below. If you’re in the States I hope you’re having a great holiday weekend! If your elsewhere have a great regular weekend! ~Phil