Monday, January 31, 2011

I feel like I'm fading, fading. Cuz the Gingerdeadman killed my parents in this trailer:

The cookie has crumbled. And sidenote: You'll notice "The Killer Dolls" there are at the end of that trailer. They were a couple hot chicks that discovered Evil Bong and sent Charles Band a youtube video expressing their love for it...and so Charles made them official reviewers of Full Moon movies. They did a few but kinda faded away. But it's cool to see them live in action.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Oh. My. God. YES! Just let that poster melt into your brain a moment. Savor it. Let your mind digest just what the hell your eyes are feeding it. Look closer, feel the heat come off the poster, let the gentle aroma of bitches about to get panned enter your nostrils.

Are you salivating? I'm salivating.

No words can possibly express the trailer you are about to witness. It's probably the most amazing trailer I have ever seen. I watch a lot of bad movies and I even venture into some really low low low low pathetically low budget movies...and this, THIS MAGNIFICENT, wonderful film, regardless of its budget, deserves our time and respect.

And money, lots and lots of money. (How else is there supposed to be a sequel?)

I've watched this trailer 7 times today. And as soon as I post this I'll watch it an 8th. I can't believe my eyes. This is happening. THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING!

Who's the man that kills people? Panman. Who's the guy that stalks hot chicks? Panman. Who's the baddest mother on the block? Panman. If there's something you can't do, call the Panman. The Panman can.

(Yep, I'm pretty fly for a white guy)

Looks like this movie just made its feature debut in December. No idea if it is planning to go to the road or DVD. I'll let you know as soon as I do. I need to see this movie! Check out the website or the facebook page for more information and fucking awesome pictures.

And before I go, please check out this clip from the movie. If this is just 3 minutes of Panman, I can only imagine the copious amounts of win this movie is about to bring to our lives.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

If you're a Troll 2 aficionado like myself then you probably do. But for whatever reason you missed it...and it's very possible that you missed it because this is Troll 3 by fans only (far as I can tell). You'll either see the cover above on VHS or if you go to Netflix Instant and search for Contamination .7 you can find it or you might even find a copy of it called The Creepers somewhere but when it all comes down to it...it's fucking Troll 3.

Why Troll 3? What could possibly drive someone to make another Troll movie? Especially after the second one didn't have a single Troll in it? Well let me tell you something...neither does Troll 3. Actually, there isn't even anything that remotely resembles a Troll in it. It's about killer plants.

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Yep. Killer plants. Killing people. So why do people often refer to it as Troll 3? Probably because it sucks on a level that trumps Troll 2 (not in a good way) but mostly because it involves a lot of the same people as Troll 2. And there's some little similarities that loosely tie them together. Like in ALL of the Troll movies...plants hold a strong central theme. And someone in a forum somewhere said it takes place in Nilbog...but I'll be damned if I didn't see any signs or hear anyone say what the name of the town was. Who knows...who cares.

And can you believe that this is one of TWO Troll 3 movies?

Fuck.

Quest for the Might Sword is also a movie referred to as Troll 3 because it is the Fourth movie in the Ator, Conan rip off, series of movies aptly named Ator III: The Hobgoblin.

This review has been known to kill people. I should probably post a warning.

Yes Ator THREE. The director of THIS Troll 3 also made ATOR 3...along with the first two Ator movies. And there was a real Ator 3 called Iron Warrior but the director was so appalled with its existence that he completely disowned it and called the fourth movie the third movie. It's fucking confusing...but what matters is that he used props from Troll 2, including Goblin outfits, for Quest for the Mighty Sword.

Now available on Netflix Instant Watch!

Netflix: Home to so many shitty movies!

Anyway, that's enough history for you. It's fucking amazing that I know that. NOBODY should need to know that. NOBODY. But alas I do, and that...for the most part...is what makes this movie bearable. Knowing is horrible confusing history makes me appreciate this all that much more. Troll 3 is no Troll 2 but there is still a lot to love about this movie.

If you dare to watch this, please just push through the first hour. I swear its not a complete waste of time. There are plenty of deaths from the killer plants and stuff but there really isn't a lot going on in the bad department. I might even dare say that it was almost GOOD. Almost. Not really. But regardless, there is a lot of actual story going on. Unlike Troll 2, this movie attempts to develop a plot.

NNNNOOOOOO!!! Nobody likes a PLOT!

But the last 20 - 30 minutes are pure fucking gold. I promise you that you will be talking about it for weeks. You will go to your coworkers and be like...you have to fucking watch this movie. It's pretty shitty but once you see the helicopter scene...this movie catapults from shitty to FUCKING AWESOME.

Everyone. Get ready to laugh.

HAHAHAHAHAHA oh my god that's fucking awesome. That scene is the ONLY reason I pushed through this movie. My friend sat through it with me and he wasn't so sure he could do it but I kept telling him...you gotta wait for the helicopter scene, you gotta wait. This is all gonna be worth it. And once it happened...well we haven't shut up about it since.

Oh, and if you think I spoiled the best part of the movie. I didn't. That isn't the only blatantly obvious use of a toy vehicle in this movie.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Hello Everyone! Mr. Gable here. I would like to introduce you to a friend of mine: Alcohol Paul. He loves bad movies just as much as I do...if not more. His knowledge knows no boundaries when it comes to the badness. (It's very...intoxicating)

I was talking with him in regards to Mr. Gable's Reality and I says to him, I says, "Hey man, any night you are bored and just need to express how awesome Charles Bronson is, write it up and I'll post it on the blog." Low and behold, several hours later...BAM. The Mechanic review is written. (I'm sure you'll see him around here from time to time, chiming in on all those amazing movies I never get around to.)

So give a round of applause and a hearty welcome to my friend and fellow bad movie connoisseur, that Death Wish 3 lovin, James Brown rockin, Skull Vodka drinkin, Bad Ass Mother Fucker:

I haven’t seen the new Jason Statham flick, “The Mechanic,” but I’ve been getting a bit pumped up for it. Ya’ see, I’m a huge fan of Charles Bronson, and for years now I’ve been saying that Statham is the new Bronson. Now Statham is in a remake of a Charles Bronson flick, so it’s a good time to revisit the original “Mechanic.”

Bronson’s “Mechanic” opens with my man Chaz scouting some apartment, he goes in when no one’s home, does a few mysterious adjustments, and then leaves. The apartment owner comes homes, drinks some (we know) tainted tea, falls asleep (drugged), and Bronson waits across the street for his setup to go through. The resin he put in the stove gas line dissolves and gas begins to spew into the apartment. Bronson sets the gas off with a shot from his rifle and the whole apartment goes up in a blast.

I remember watching this as a teenager with my mind utterly befuddled, a friend and I both remarking excitedly, “Bronson’s making us think!”

We weren’t excited to be thinking, but because Bronson movies weren’t known for testing us in any way. Bronson was quieter than John Wayne, tougher than Sly, not as showy as Van Damme, and in better shape than Seagal. Put succinctly, we were used to Charles Bronson showing up, punching guys in the face, and walking away. Screw one liners, this guy just kicked ass, names didn’t matter because everyone was dead. And don’t even get me started on what happens to you if you fuck with his watermelon crop.

So “The Mechanic” starts off going against the grain a bit. It reveals that Bronson’s stock in trade is assassinations that look like accidents (no murder trial if it’s not a murder, right?).

Bronson is portrayed as dead to the world. Concurrently they introduce a young, spoiled Mafioso’s son, played by the alcoholic who was in “Air Wolf.” No, not Ernest Borgnine, Jan Michael Vincent or something like that.

Anyway, young guy worms his way into becoming Bronson’s protégé and Bronson grudgingly agrees to show the kid how to kill like a professional. That’s pretty much it for story. The rest is mostly montages of them training to kill before the inevitable “job with no time to plan carefully” climax. Of course the job at the end is really a set up to kill everyone because the target needs to die, but so does Bronson because the big guys just don’t trust him anymore. Meh, to be honest I never really paid that much attention.

The action scenes are pretty weak. The best Bronson roles usually relied on a certain grittiness and toughness this movie lacks. Or maybe it’s just a lack of a strong antagonist. In “Death Hunt” he’s up against Lee “I Just Drank 12 Shots Of Jack Daniels” Marvin, a bunch of bloodthirsty bounty hunters, and the entire Yukon wilderness. In other movies I’ve seen him take down the entire German Army, solve street gang problems in New York, and rule the underground bare knuckles boxing world. In this one he just goes up against a bunch of nameless mafia goons. *YAWN*

The plot never really finds direction, plodding from one episode of training or a mission to the next. Maybe the lack of over arching story to carry the movie from start to finish is why “The Mechanic” pretty much just has Bronson going for it and not a whole lot else. Kind of like Jason Statham movies come to think of it.

All of this criticism might be leading some to wonder why Charles Bronson was ever a star. Please don’t be confused. Just because the movie is an un-focused jumble doesn’t mean that Bronson isn’t fun to watch. The man oozes a kind of charisma that action heroes just don’t have anymore (even Statham). He worked his ass off to become a star, doing tons of small parts until various European productions of the late 60s/early 70s cast him in lead roles. Improbably, Bronson, in his early 50s, became an action hero and even a sex symbol. Bronson was ripped in a way no one will probably ever be in movies again. He wasn’t bulky, just wiry and plainly an exercise fanatic. His aged, ugly face had been lived in, and the years of living looked hard. Plainly put, the man’s body told stories that his characters couldn’t tell because they never had as many lines as his face.

Instead of the original “Mechanic,” I’d recommend any of the movies where Bronson was not living so comfortably as his pampered, wealthy “Mechanic” character. Something about him just shines better when he plays a desperate fighter in “Hard Times,” a lonely trapper in “Death Hunt,” or a hard luck farmer in “Mr. Majestyk.”

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Wow. I don't know if I can handle all this amazing news on the bad movie front for 2011. It's just so, so damn beautiful. Coming soon: The Disco Exorcist.

In Voodoo vision? HAHAHAHA YES! That's awesome. I can't wait.

I don't think I'll need to describe the plot to you. My guess is that there isn't much. And there fucking had better not be. But I'm sure we can all agree that it's gonna be out there man. Probably gonna need some drugs for this one. Don't look at me, I'm not the one that does drugs. These movies ARE my drugs. Your the one doing drugs. Druggie.

So sit back, relax, and pretend you're in the 70's. The Disco Exorcist is coming soon.

And if you're in Providence, Rhode Island (of all places) then you can see this thing at the PREMIER February 12th. Check out the official website for more information.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Ah, the original classic that started a complete revolution in terrible movies. Who knew this innocent little horror/fantasy film could blossom and bloom into something so convoluted, unrelated, and confusing that people from all ages over the span of 20 years would LOVE IT.

And it's all Charles Band's fault.

Charles Band, one of my (many) heroes. A true maker of amazingly bad movies, Charles Band brings some of his best 80's work together in Troll. I like to think that this is the high period of his career...although things seem to really be picking up steam over at the Full Moon front these days so I will let that comment kind of sit there on the edge of the cliff for awhile.

So Troll, you know right from the start that you're in for something bad.

Oh god damn it.

No worries, he dies a pretty brutal death. It's actually pretty awesome. Just push through his shit for a few minutes and it'll be worth it.

Troll is THEE original Harry Potter. You know why? Because the main character's names are Harry Potter and Harry Potter Jr. Several years before J.K. Rowling ever tainted that name. This movie is greater than the entirety of every book and movie associated with J.K. Charles Band for life bitch.

And its got Julia Louis-Dreyfus (mostly) naked.

This is the feature film debut for dear Julia. And WHAT A DEBUT. Naked little butt just prancing around...mmmhhmmmm...that's how you make movies my friends.

Troll is cool for a variety of reasons. (besides those already listed) Troll starts out as a horror film and switches gears in the middle into a fantasy sorcery musical. It's really fucking weird...but it works so well. I remember seeing the VHS sitting on the rental shelf as a kid. Someone had accidently mixed it in with the kids section. Well I forced my mom to rent it for me. And I was scared shitless. Cuz I was a little pussy when I was young. Well later on in life I rented it...and realized if I would have just stuck with it ANOTHER 10 MINUTES it wouldn't have been scary anymore. Because the first half hour or so is the Troll sneaking around turning people into Trolls and turning apartments into its home world. But then the next hour is spent figuring out what the Troll is doing and discovering there's an old princess that lives upstairs that used to go out with the Troll when it was human so then they have to defeat the Troll before he can transform all the apartments and destroy the world.

*catches breath* wow, it sounds so awful when I say it.

But besides having a bit-shit crazy Charles Band plot, the effects are very excellent. I really really appreciate practical effects and puppetry...and this movie is chock full of it. The director of Troll, John Carl Buechler, is also a special effects guy, who also designed the Troll for Troll. I like when effects guys direct movies...its like watching fight choreographers direct fight movies...there's just so much amazingness going on for one movie. And there's been talk of a remake...to be remade by John Carl Buechler.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

The internet was all aflutter with this over the weekend...but so am I so here it is.

Duke Nukem, the game that defined most of our lives, is finally releasing a sequel. We know the man, we love him, and for reasons unknown there has been little made to replicate him. He's lude, he's crude, he doesn't fuck around. Guns, explosions, punching aliens in the balls, bangin strippers, pissing in the streets, he doesn't care. If its awesome, he does it.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Wow, this movie has a lot of balls. After doing a little investigating (I checked Netflix), this movie isn't even out yet and they have a sequel all worked out already. If you go to the website you can check that out. Among other pretty cool things.

Also if you go there you can read the synopsis. I can't copy and paste it and I have no time to write it down to type it here so I'll give you the gist of it: A farmer decides to take down an old tree, but when he does he finds a metallic object buried underneath. Once exposed to sunlight, it comes to life and opens....unleashing the awakened. (Aliens). And from there all hell breaks loose on the farm as they are cut off from society and struggle to fight for their lives.

Before I comment, check out the trailer. This actually looks like it might be a GOOD movie.

Whoa, was that Robert Picardo with a RIFLE? That's AWESOME! I don't recall him ever being that kind of character...the dude with the gun. He's always like the cool headed smooth talkin dude, but not much with the commanding roles. Not that I can recall anyway.

This movie kind of reminds me of Altered. That movie freaked me out. As do most "nasty aliens in the dark" movies do. I don't know why but creepy aliens (especially "the greys") freak me the fuck out and this looks like that kind of movie. I'm looking forward to it. I absolutely adore movies where people are out in the middle of nowhere, no chance of rescue, and there's a terrible evil that they must defeat. It's just a lot of fun in my opinion. (Examples: Tremors, Feast, The Thing.)

Although...we know there's gonna be a sequel so that must mean the aliens win. Fuck.

"This is better in both effects AND story than Pirahna 3D" - Alcohol Paul (paraphrased)

No words can express the amazingness of this movie, only this video can:

(NOTE: If you honestly have any intentions on watching this movie...skip this video and continue with the rest of the review. I would really hate to ruin the greatest part of the movie. You know what, just go to Wal-Mart and find this on DVD for $5 and buy it. Actually fuck that, rent it off Netflix. OH WAIT! WATCH IT ON INSTANT WATCH RIGHT NOW. Then come back to this review)

Because this movie is amazing.

Holy shit, that. just. happened. This actually happens a few times during the film where you'll be watching and you'll be like, "It sure would be awesome if that pirahna exploded out of the water and ate that guy" and then IT DOES!

Asylum, (the company that made this movie) I deeply apologize for every shitty thing I ever said about you. Your company always put out just awful awful movies and then you put out just awful awful rip offs...but now...I see the light. It was all working up to something bigger. Something...original. Something...MEGA!

TIFFANY! (Note: This is not in the movie anywhere...sadly)

Oh yes, my friends. There's an all star cast at work here. 80's pop legend Tiffany makes another feature appearance during Mega Pirahna. Also there's one of the Brady Bunch kids and an Aslyum movie veteran. But who gives a shit about them.

The story...doesn't need any explanation. Just go ahead a try and guess what this movie is about...I'll give you a few seconds...Go....1.....2.....3.....4.....5 - if you said...genetically mutated piranhas that grow large and eat people so the military has to blow them up...then you are correct. It's your standard Mega Creature Feature formula. It's been tried, it's been tested. Don't fix something that's not broken I always say.

Yes, this is more or less what you'd catch on SyFy on a Saturday night....but it's worth everything. If I were you, get the DVD 2-pack (like me!) that has Mega Pirahna AND Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus on it. So much amazing giant animal destruction....you can't beat it. (Plus there's all that sweet nudity on the DVD) The pacing in this movie (and more or less with MSvsGO) is actually pretty good. Things happen fast, people are eaten at a remarkably fast rate, things are exploding constantly (organic or not), and the CGI helicoptors look like something out of Mosquito. Just so much bad that you can't help but love the shit out of it.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I don't know what to say. Is the world tearing itself apart? Is there absolutely nothing better to do than keeping ripping each other off? Hey, I'm all about the occasional ripoff or spoof, I saw BLADES over the weekend and that movie was like watching Jaws...with a killer lawnmower. (on Netflix Instant Watch!)

Actually that sentence is probably more exciting than SuperShark. Although there is a trailer...lets watch and see how shitty this thing is gonna be:

Dear god, is that a walking tank I saw? Kicking a walking shark in the face? And that shark can fly too? Wow. I still don't know what to say. I want to want to watch this...but I don't think I can. I mean...it's fucking insane...but enough is enough with these ripoffs and spoofs and all these ridiculous ideas.

Now, had that been a dolphin, I would be behind this project 100%.

On the plus side, this movie has brought someone to my attention. Fred Olen Ray. He is the director/writer of this movie. I really have never heard of him before but if you click that link to this IMDb profile...you'll see a very long list of shitty movies. With titles like Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Alienator, and dozens upon dozens of softcore bikini titles. I think I may have just struck it rich with this guy. We will see.

(HOLY SHIT, I JUST SAW THAT I OWN ALIENATOR! I'm watching that later.)

Monday, January 17, 2011

The videos in this review are full of spoilers. Not that it matters...

For those about to Troll 2, I salute you.

HAHAHAHA HOLY SHIT YOUTUBE! I'VE NEVER SEEN THE RANDOM FLY BEFORE! HAHAHAHA That is so AWESOME. Everytime, I swear to god, EVERY TIME I watch this movie there's something even more random and terrible that I missed before. I love Troll 2.

The plot of this movie, if you must know, is that there's a bunch of Goblins in the town of Nilbog (go figure) that disguise themselves as humans and get real humans to drink broth so they melt into a plant goo so they can be eaten. Although there's one little kid and his dead grandpa that have something in store for those pesky bastards. And it ain't Miracle Grow.

Troll 2 IS THEE bad movie experience. Bad acting, OVER acting, no acting, bad effects, horrible direction, great direction, confusion, blissful irony, consistent WTF moments, hilarious quotes, and just unexpected twists and turns. It is truly a movie that has to be seen to be believed. And once you see it....well lets say its like a virus...once you've caught the Troll 2, you spread it around to everybody.

Our first victim.

This is probably the only movie that I'll ever review several times. This is the first but I'm sure I can do better. I just love this movie so much. What isn't to love, I mean...

How can you not fall in love with that? I own THREE copies of this movie. Two on DVD and one on Bluray. And I don't even own a Bluray player yet. But when I do, you can bet there'll be another review...in sweet sweet High Definition. It's a thing of beauty, let me tell you.

There isn't one Troll in this whole movie. Not one. Lots of Goblins, but no Trolls. And that poster up there at the beginning of this review...none of that shows up anywhere in this movie. That kid isn't in this. He looks more like the Silent Night Deadly Night Part 5 kid. And there's no Trolls. With axes. Actually there isn't any axes at all.

Or COFFEE!

God dammit this movie is awesome. I just watched it last Saturday and I already want to watch it again! And as a bonus for all you folks out there that have Netflix...you can watch this on Instant Watch. So please, please...watch it, love it, add some of the actors on facebook (you know, Deborah Reed and Darren Ewing are fucking awesome to talk to), and then buy SEVERAL COPIES of this movie. Because if you do, and I'm BEGGING you to spend money on this movie because...

...Troll 2 Part 2 is coming. The script is done and the last I heard it was in production...in 3D. Nilbog 3D, fuck yeah! But the more money and hype they get out of this release then all the more likely I'll be watching Troll 2 Part 2. (There is also a documentary on how amazingly bad this movie is called Best Worst Movie. Watch that too...it's really good)

In all honesty, these videos in this review don't even TOUCH the amount of greatness in this movie. There are so many many more scenes that deserve attention but I'd rather leave them for you and your friends to see on your own. Scenes like...the bologna sandwich scene! The nut eaters scene! AND The greatest sex scene in all of cinema!

Death Race 2 comes out tomorrow. Whip out your wallets, Add it to your instant queue, Or just wait another couple months and pick up one of MANY copies sitting on a pawn shop DVD rack for $2! It's gonna be awesome!

I'm sure this will be just like the original...in that it's worth renting from Netflix and forgetting that it ever existed. But Danny Trejo stars...so I'm obligated to love it. And you should to.

Besides...Twisted Metal 2 was MY GAME back in the day. I played the shit out of it. Maybe they'll do a third Death Race that's international and they'll blow up the Eiffel Tower. I would buy several copies if they did that.

And also...

I watched many many movies over the weekend. Look forward to some amazing reviews in the next few weeks...and maybe into next week!

Friday, January 14, 2011

Wait a minute? This is a sequel!? Yes...yes it is. The cult classic Slime City is from 1988 and bears a remarking resemblance to Street Trash, meaning that they both contain a "booze" that causes people to melt. Although, the people from the IMDb forums are saying that Slime City is the inferior of the two. So why does this one get a sequel and Street Trash doesn't!? BLASPHEMY! But we'll never know...but let me tell you, this doesn't look half bad. I just love that the 80's is making a comeback. It's my favorite fucking decade if you don't already know. And not with just big names either (Rambo, Die Hard), now low budget shitfests are getting sequels. Makes me want to cry it's so beautiful.

Just bear with the first minute and half of the trailer...the good stuff comes after that.

Written and directed by Gregory Lamberson, the film takes place seven years in the future, after a dirty bomb has decimated New York City's financial district and reduced midtown to a post apocalyptic nightmare... "Slime City." Into this hostile environment arrive Alexa (Jennifer Bihl) and Cory (Kealan Patrick Burke), a draft dodger and an army deserter, seeking refuge. In a seemingly deserted building, they encounter Mason (Lee Perkins) and Alice (Debbie Rochon), two hardened survivors who teach them the ropes. In flashbacks, we see how Zachary Devon (Robert C. Sabin, star of the original) indoctrinates a prostitute named Nicole (Brooke Lewis) into his "Coven of Flesh," and we learn why he and his followers committed mass suicide. When Alexa, Cory, Mason and Alice discover Zachary's "home brewed elixir" and "Himalayan yogurt" in the ruins of his soup kitchen, all four characters are possessed by the spirits of Zachary and his followers, with outrageous results. Throw in homeless people, mercenaries, and mutant cannibals, and you have the recipe for an epic battle - the Slime City Massacre.

I have a feeling this movie is gonna be a lot like the trailer and this synopsis: 60% buildup (we know something awesome is gonna happen, we just gotta pull through this) and 40% COMPLETE FUCKING ANNIHILATION. I think it'll be worth it.

You can go to the website and buy the original Slime City on DVD RIGHT NOW. For only $10!!! That's pretty kick ass. As for this movie...looks like we can look forward to the DVD later this year. When? Who knows...but it's probably worth keeping an eye out for it.

I hope there's a soundtrack...that song at the end of the trailer is pretty awesome.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

I love how there seems to be a revolution in independent movies as of late. I know there's always been controversial and offensive movies in the past...but lately I've been seeing more and more fucking IN YOUR FACE movies.

And I couldn't be happier. Check it out:

MORTAL KOMBAT!!!

YES! That trailer is AWESOME! This is a bit of older news actually but it deserves recognition anyway. So if you already know about this masterpiece...enjoy it again! AND AGAIN! That trailer will never get old. Whatever that thing is that is shooting out rounds from its dick cannon is just amazing.

Here's the synopsis:

Race War tells the story of "two black crack dealers (Baking Soda and his sidekick G.E.D. (Ghetto E'ry Day)) who notice that their profits aren't as fat as they used to be ... and it turns out the reason is because some white boys duhn came into the hood selling their smack. Only problem? That white boy shit is turnin' niggas into zombies! Can you believe that shit? Things get twisted, and them dastardly white boys end up nignapping G.E.D. Baking Soda then calls on the help of the block's best hydro grower, Kreech: Da Black Kreecha from da Lagoon, to get G.E.D. back home safe and sound."

Hahahahaha! Racism is awesome. Not really...but that synopsis is just so wrong. Can't help but love it.

And this movie is based on short film that came in third place at the Alamo Drafthouse's Film Fest in 2009. Hence the "THE REMAKE" in the trailer. Race War is written & directed by Tom Martino and stars "a buncha jobbers you never heard of before"

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I can only assume this guy tells everyone, "Don't to call me Shirley."

Finally, a movie we can really get behind! Seriously.

This movie is more or less a project in internet marketing. Can this concept generate enough buzz to get SyFy to make it. I'm guessing...it will. They've already done Sharktopus...this is just the next logical step.

I'm Crocaloctopus, I hope some day to have my own Syfy Saturday night movie or an Asylum movie just like Mega Shark, Gatoroid,Giant Octopus,Dinocroc, Crocasaurus and others. I think I have a lot to offer Mr. Corman,Syfy and the good people at The Asylum and hope they'll give an overgrown genetically mutated tadpole hybrid like me a chance! I have a comic book on the way in the Spring and a plushy toy line late Summer.

ALRIGHT! At least we'll get a comic book. That'll be fucking sweet. And it looks like they are selling T-Shirts right now as well from the facebook page.

Crocaloctopus....maybe not the most original idea ever conceived but there is massive potential here. It make for another shitty Saturday night on SyFy...but that doesn't matter. What does matter is the future. Sharktopus already exists. So if this creature exists then its ONLY logical that they go head to head! Sharktopus vs Crocaloctopus. CAN YOU FUCKING SEE IT!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

You guys remember that story "Tuesday's Suck" I wrote a couple months ago? Well...I submitted it to the above anthology and it was ACCEPTED! So that means that my story will be included not only in this anthology but there's going to be some REAL exposure here. (Just as to how much...I will never know) And a dollar from every book sold goes to diabetes research! Look at that...I'm helping people.

So I would just like to thank all of you out there that stuck through the month of November as I wrote that damn thing...it was WORTH IT!

Currently, the book is finishing up being put together and should be ready for sale anytime now I'd think. As soon as I know, you'll know.

And...if you're a writer and think this is fucking awesome...they are putting together another anthology called, "Rhonny Reaper's Roadkill Cafe". Check out the facebook page here.

And in respect to the book...I have taken down Tuesdays Suck from the blog. You can still read the first part here if you like.

Again, thank you all! This is just step one towards being a full on writer. I'm happy with that.

Friday, January 7, 2011

I will begin by letting you all know that this movie pitch is per request of Vincent and his lovely wife Stacia. They threw this title in my face and it blew my mind (among other things). Absolute genius.

That said…let's make movie history baby!

I love the title Mangina vs Cockasaurus for two reasons. One: It’s something awesome and epic. Therefore this movie has to be BIG! (ALL puns intended) and Two: The title is a play on words of Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus…which is made by the Asylum…which rips off big budget movies. (Alien vs Predator/Alien vs Hunter, etc.) We are conceivably ripping off a studio that rips off other movies on purpose. A poetic slap in the face…I fucking love it!

We open in the dressing room of a stripclub. (you know…titties always grab the attention of male viewers...and lesbians). We get some great shots of the dancers and then we cutscene into the back dressing room. It’s eerily silent…no girls in sight. EXCEPT…one topless girl is thrown into the mirror, breaking it. She seems scared…but she’s a freak so she probably likes this sort of treatment. Well we pan around her and see her attacker…a muscular man in his mid 20’s shrouded in leather. He approaches her and she cowers in fear. The camera pans down and the man zips open his pants and…and...a smile sweeps over the woman’s face.

This man is Cockasaurus.

Rather that is his porno nickname. The camera pans out as the opening credits to Mangina vs Cockasaurus scroll across the screen. It is at this point that we get to meet our main character...Melvin. Why Melvin? Because I think that’s the name from the loser guy in Toxic Avenger and since that tactic worked for SNDN Part 6 then that very same tactic will work here.

Regardless…this guy is a loser. He lives with his mom…and he watches pornos starring Cockosaurus in the basement while his fat ass mom is upstairs watching soap operas and eating cheetos.

He wishes for a better life. A cooler life. And to escape this prison of reality he has created an alternate universe…he writes comic books. In his comics…the main character resembles himself…he is a super hero: super strong…super smart…super suave with the ladies…and he can fly. He has haphazardly called this superhero…Mangina. A play on words from all those punks in high school that called him a Mangina. (That’ll show ‘em)

SIDEBAR: You know what I really like about the Toxic Avenger? And more specifically Melvin? How he becomes the Toxic Avenger. Getting thrown into toxic sewage that turns him all gross and shit. Well we’re gonna take that route with this movie…

Melvin is tooling down the street when a bunch of punks pull him into an alleyway. Turns out they are a group of kids from his old high school. He begs for mercy but they beat the shit out of him anyway. But oops! They accidently killed him. Or at least they think that they killed him, so they dump him in a sewer…where his body is swept away too…a pond behind a nuclear power plant. DUN DUN DUUNNN!!! It is here where WILD plants grow…maneating plants. And it is here where Mangina is born.

Melvin awakes to discover he has superpowers and is fucking hideous looking. But that doesn’t matter cuz he’s fucking buff and can fly. Fuck it, its worth it to him…for the time being. And as he awakes…a worker from the plant shows up and is attacked by the plants. Melvin saves the day! He shreds those plants to fucking pieces…like they bleed and scream (oh sick, screaming plants) while they’re being torn apart…and the plant worker is saved. As Melvin leaves the scene the worker shouts out to him…“What’s your name!?” To which he replies…

“Mangina!”

And the worker looks around confused.

Now that Melvin is Mangina…time for some payback…DEATH WISH STYLE. Vigilante justice is the best justice. So Mangina finds a weapon…I’m thinking some kind of metal club. And he uses super strength to ram railroad spikes into it. Now he kinda looks like a freakish Yeti storming around the ghetto. Well he spends the next 30-40 minutes of the movie giving bad guys their comeuppance all while Cockasaurus is banging chicks.

Turns out…Cockasaurus wants more too. He hates that he’s so pretty and has a huge wang. He wants to be something more. Something...epic. And while he’s at home watching the news he sees a story about a worker that was saved by a mutant…and then he sees another story about this vigilante that is doing all the cops’ work for them. One of the cops on the TV says, “Oh we’re so grateful, those scumbags keep outrunning our fat asses.”

Well ol’ Cockasaurus puts two and two together and figures that this vigilante must have come from the Nuclear Power plant and gained gnarly powers from the toxic sewage. So he goes there too. And he gets there and jumps in the pool of nuclear waste. And he too grows and disforms…only except not his entire body…just his FUCKING DICK.

The thing swells and grows a face and mutates and grows arms, legs, and it FUCKING TALKS. And then while Cockasaurus is looking absolutely stunned…the giant mutant dick breaks off and kills him. And as the dead porn star lays on the ground…dying…the giant mutant dick stands over him and says, “Poser. Don’t you know that I’M the real Cockasaurus.”

And thus…the REAL Cockasaurus is born!

Time for the final battle. Cockasaurus knows all about Mangina and his powers. He hates him, is jealous of him, and wants him dead. He knows this because…we all know men’s brains are in their dicks. So Cockasaurus is amazingly smart.

The dick goes around the streets of the ghetto rapin bitches left and right. A tactic he hopes will draw out the fabled Mangina. Mangina eventually does learn of this (probably from a pack of wild bums) and here cums the final showdown in the old car salvage yard.

Mangina vs Cockasaurus

Round 1: FIGHT!

The beginning of the fight consists of punches and kicks. There are some use of weapons…like tires and car doors and bumpers…that sort of thing. It gets really ridiculous and any other normal human being would have died from the get go. But these are “super heroes” so its ok. Very little talking.

Round 2: FIGHT!

Mangina escapes the clutches of the evil Cockasaurus and flies into the air. He lands a couple of really cool blows to Cockasaurus' mushroom head until…Mangina is flying away and Cockasaurus launches of huge glob of sticky white goo from the top of his head that catches Mangina in midair causing him to crash and be stuck to the ground. Cockasaurus triumphantly marches towards Mangina saying something like, “Your end is near.”

Round 3: FINISH HIM!

Mangina is hopeless. But then he remembers something…something he created from his comic. The woman. He’s supposed to defeat the bad guy and get the woman. That’s how these things are supposed to end right? RIGHT!?

Strength swells within him and it builds until he explodes out of the sticky white cocoon. He goes head to head (hahahaha) with Cockasaurus and pummels him into the ground. He glances over his shoulder and spots a Trash compactor. He grabs Cockasaurus by the ball sack and heaves him into it.

The last thing we see of Cockasaurus is his mangled corpse stiffening up as its being chomped into the compactor…and finally goes limp as it dies.

Mangina has won! He throws his fists into the air Rocky-style and runs around the salvage yard shouting, “I won! Now where’s my woman!?” and he looks around noticing NO WOMEN anywhere even remotely close to him. "I'm supposed to get a WOMAN!"

Fade to black.

Mangina, "Holy shit, I'm ugly. And in a salvage yard. Next time I'm fighting in a Jello pit."

Thursday, January 6, 2011

This whole blogging thing continues to surprise me day after day after day. Earlier this week, I was sought out, emailed, and asked to view and review a movie. It’s a fairly standard practice amongst reviewers…but this is ME we’re talking about. I had always hoped that things like this would happen and it would appear that they are…happening. I had always hoped that it WOULD happen so I could share a bit of myself…and a bit of my way of thinking about these kinds of things.

I give a lot of movies a lot of shit here and most of them rightly deserve it. But at the same time I am a massive independent film, book, website, EVERYTHING supporter. Independence is the final frontier for absolutely original, creative, and uncensored material. If we didn’t have it, we wouldn’t have anything. We need it…whether we like to admit it or not. So when it comes to this kind of a review…I do not take it lightly. I hate to be serious…and it probably won’t be entirely serious…but I will be fair with it. Somebody asked ME to review THEIR film and I will show that person the respect that they deserve. I know they put a lot of work into their work and I don’t see any use in ripping on it if it’s terrible. I’m more about constructive criticism (not that this movie is bad…I’m just generalizing).

Actions speak louder than words. If there ever was a way to describe this movie…that would be it. At a total running time of about 10 minutes…there’s only a few words worth of dialogue. This movie is about the atmosphere, the actions, the reactions, and the emotions portrayed and felt by the audience. Very stylish.

I’m sure you know the type of movie I’m talking about. There’s random shots of candles and dinner plates and the dog barking, etc. But it’s these things that makes up the bigger picture. Not only is it a great transition but also a great way to focus our thoughts and feelings. A candle is warm and pleasant…but then the sequence following the candle ends up not so pleasant. This movie pulls you one way, then jump kicks you into another.

Anyway…the general plot. This movie is mostly about drugs. We open with an older couple…not elderly…just older…and they’re setting the table waiting for someone. Then we cutscene to a happy couple frolicking in the ghetto. They get some drugs and go to a place to do them. They get naked…do the drugs…and shit gets real. Actually…the woman hallucinates. And all I gotta say about that scene is…YES! It was all kinds of awesome. Love it! And then the movie comes full circle in the dining room of the older couple again…and I’m left a little confused.

The ending is about what I would expect from a film like this…I never seem to get it. My mind is usually pretty shallow and I have a hard time with depth…hence why I love shitty movies so much. I kinda get it and understand it…but it’s the things that are NOT told that the audience is left to figure out on their own. I think the woman went to rehab and left her drug partner and is trying to get her life back on track. But that’s me. I’m not always right on these things…but that’s what I walked away with.

Other things I would have done a little differently…during the intense nasty scene…the soundtrack sounded like I was playing a video game from the 80’s. Maybe there was some symbolism there…but I was laughing cuz I could swore this movie just turned into a twisted NES game.

And this movie uses…the shaky cam. It’s the popular style of this day and age. I like it to a certain extent but not all the time. I understand what the director is doing here…using techniques of other successful filmmakers instead of trying something different. Not a bad thing…and honestly…this short film got the director a REAL MAN movie gig directing TOM FUCKING SAVINI so I can’t argue that it didn’t work but…Dolph Lundgren also directs the exact same way…just sayin.

All and all…it’s worth your time. It’s pretty moving if you’re into that kind of thing. I think this director has a place in horror and could blossom into something great. I suggest taking it back, not worrying about what other people will think about your work...and just be yourself. Sam Raimi didn’t give a fuck about directing techniques and look where he is.

Actually…that suggestion is probably what will get you NOWHERE in the world of filmmaking today…but from a viewer’s perspective: I love a movie that does what it does because somebody had a lot of passion about it. Regardless of how good or bad it is. Troll 2: Shitty movie…but I absolutely ADORE how much work they put into it and how much they actually thought it was a good movie.

Alright, I just pulled the Troll 2 card, this review is over…

Jeremiah Kipp's The Sadist starring Tom Savini is currently in post production. You can view the trailer here. And while your at it...watch Contact here.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Far as I can tell there is no poster art for this movie yet...so here's a real photo of a camel spider for you. God damn it that's fucked up. I would literally shit my pants and probably explode from fear if I so much as saw one of those within a few feet of me. I'm crying like a baby when I spot a reasonably sized spider lingering around in the house...but one of those...no way man.

But I have a feeling that picture is immensely more terrifying than this movie:

YES! I LOVE THE WAY THAT TRAILER ENDS. All movie trailers should end that way. Just some dude splattered in blood flopping around. This movie might...it just MIGHT be worth watching.

I remember hearing something about Camel Spiders A LONG time ago. Maybe two years. I don't know for sure. But there was this really dumb trailer showing a POV shot of a camel spider roaming in the desert and then there's these army dudes that get attacked...and blah. It was dumb. Then I see that a new trailer came out and I'm all like...oh YEAH! C. Thomas Howell? He's in ALL the best shitty movies! And what ELSE do my eyes see there? Brian Krause? From CHARMED? That's awesome!

(NOTE: I only know about Charmed because of my fiance. She watches that show all the time. She made me buy the DVDs...and watch most of them. It's not so bad...Bruce Campbell was in an episode.)

UPDATED: Found the trailer I was thinking about. Not the same movie. There's actually ANOTHER movie about camel spiders. Holy shit. Check it out here.

SYNOPSIS:

Based on actual creatures that for years have tormented our armed forces in the Middle East, these things have invaded the Southwestern deserts of the United States. The Camel Spiders now freely hunt for prey, unafraid of any predator - including man. No place is safe; no one is beyond their paralyzing sting. In the end a small band of hearty fighters are forced to make one last stand against them.

Now I would just like to mention the director of this movie. Jim Wynorski. I have a lot of faith in Camel Spiders because of his IMDb profile. Allow me to share a few of his directorial credits with you: Chopping Mall, Deathstalker II, The Return of Swamp Thing, Sorority House Massacre II, 976-EVIL II, Ghoulies IV, Storm Trooper, Raptor (that movie that recycled the Carnosaur movies), Gale Force (that movie that used recycled footage from Last Action Hero), Cheerleader Massacre, and Dinocroc vs Supergator....along with several DOZEN softcore pornos: The Bare Wench Project, Cleavagefield, The Hills Have Thighs, The Devil Wears Nada, The Witches of Breastwick, Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade, and on and on and on...you get the idea. This guy is fucking AWESOME. I desperately need to look into this guys career. Just this paragraph makes me want to BE this guy.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Samurai Princess is a movie about a lot of things. Decency is the least among them. This movie sets out to gross you out, gore you to death, fuck your mental brains out, and spit in your face…and you’ll LIKE IT!

I’ll try to explain this movie as best as I can… … … Ok I can’t. Here’s the synopsis from Netflix:

"When 11 of her friends are raped and murdered, leaving the Samurai Princess (adult video star Aino Kishi) the only survivor, she becomes infused with her comrades' souls. Transformed into an android, she sets out to avenge their deaths. Dai Mizuno co-stars as the princess's human partner in this Kengo Kaji-directed gore fest that features breast grenades, detachable chainsaw limbs, deadly guitar riffs and more."

So I was flipping through the Netflix Instant Watch movies last saturday around 2am and I came across this treasure. I read the synopsis and I recall immediately saying something along the lines of, “Oh fuck yeah, this is happening right now.” And within moments I was watching this.

I’ll be honest…in the first few minutes…you see boob grenades. Don’t believe me? Watch it for yourself!

(NOTE: This is the entire movie…the first two minutes will pretty much seal the deal on whether or not you wish to continue watching this movie. And if you're under 18...you'll go to hell for watching this movie. Obviously rated R. Or worse.)

That’s fucking NUTS isn’t it? I mean…what the fuck is going on!? For some reason beyond my comprehension I couldn’t stop watching it. I wasn’t even that into it in the first couple minutes. It was over the top, it was in your face, but it was TRYING TOO HARD. But at the same time…there’s titty grenades. And then there’s a dude with a chainsaw for a leg shortly after. But I’m glad I continued watching because if not for anything else…there’s a scene when these dudes are hanging out looking at the Samurai Princess’s dead friends and one of them says, “We didn’t kill them you know.” And then another thug shows up behind him with a huge grin on his face and says, “Yeah, we specialize in RAPE.” Hahahaha holy shit, that’s so so wrong but just the way he looks when he says it is priceless.

And I’ll be honest here…I fell asleep about 45 minutes in and then woke up during the middle of the end battle…that I don’t remember that much. I’m pretty sure I missed a lot of epic win (and probably a SHITLOAD of sweet sweet nudity) and I have no doubt I’ll be watching this again. Because…I need to know what happens! And there was a comment on the YouTube forums for this movie about a “monster” scene.

They must be talking about this.

All in all…give this movie TWO MINUTES of your time. Click on that movie up there (or go to Netflix Instant Watch and add it to your Queue) and just give it two minutes. You will KNOW if you want to watch the rest of it or not. Trust me. It’s fucking out there…and I wasn’t entirely sure if I was comfortable with it myself…but after it was over…I gave it 5 stars. If for no other reason than for Netflix to populate movies like this one based on that rating.

Monday, January 3, 2011

No folks, this is not about killer condoms. Although there is a movie that exists which deals with killer rubbers. And you can check that out right here.

But no, we have something BETTER! An insane telepathic murdering TIRE! NAMED ROBERT! HAHAHAHAHA

Alright...that trailer is kinda lame. If it weren't about murdering tires I probably wouldn't be interested. But then you read the synopsis and everythings better.

"Robert, an inanimate tire that has been abandoned in the desert, suddenly and inexplicably comes to life. As Robert roams the bleak landscape, he discovers that he possesses telepathic powers that give him the ability to destroy anything he wishes without having to move. At first content to wreak havoc on small desert creatures and various lost items, his attention soon turns to humans, resulting in the most gory vehicular-related mayhem inflicted on screen by an "inanimate" object since Christine."

This just seems like some kind of fake fan trailer that some guys would do cuz they thought it'd be really fucking funny. And instead...we have a serious film about a murdering tire.

(and on a sidenote...I'd just like to say it's great to be back to the blog after a week off. Honestly spent that time playing Donkey Kong Country Returns instead of doing any housework. But what can you do? And now...as you can already probably tell...it seems that I've forgotten how to blog. Who knew? I was gonna open up with this kick ass movie pitch that was suggested to me...but I woke up too late to write it. And my writing is shit after not writing anything for so long. So give me a couple days, I'll get back in the swing of this thing. I hope everyone had a great holiday!)

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The Power of the Bad Side

I am Mr. Gable and this is my Reality. I adore everything that is bad (and on occasion good) in media today. I love horrible movies, ridiculous plots, insane ideas, poorly written books, Troll 2, and cliche characters. All of these things are what I draw inspiration from and how I endure life. Join me, will you? Embrace the bad. Welcome to my Reality.