Archive for the Salma Hayek Category

I know Salma Hayek is not the same Salma Hayek she once was, but as a Mexican I see it as my job to promote all good things Mexican and no matter how old her tits are, they are pretty much the best export other than Mexican food to eat and Ugly Betty to laugh at…

It’s one of those, whether she’s old or not, it doesn’t matter, cuz Mexican women aren’t meant to look this way, they are meant to be short, dumpy by 22 and moms to multiple kids fed by their hard work making hotel beds and their dad’s spend the day in siesta…but maybe I’m just throwing out stereotypes you white people want to hear….maybe the truth is all pussy in Mexica is Salma Hayek caliber, but I wouldn’t know, I haven’t been there since I was 5.

Here is her great mom cleavage…worth fucking a pinata over…I’ll tell you that much…slutty and conservative all at the sametime..this is like business casual…but better…and just as confusing…

Salma Hayek may be older, thicker and a mom, but she’s still Salma Hayek and she’s doing pretty fucking good in these pictures.

I was one of the many dudes who thought her Mexican face wasn’t hairy enough to turn me off of her curvy fucking body, and I’m may have giving up on her, you know traded her in for younger, fresher pussy, but I’m not giving up on her now, she’s recruited me back into her fan club, even though I hate Mexican women cuz they remind me of my dead whore mother…not because of her rotting pussy, but because she’s Mexican….but her weight gain and pregnancy has brought her even bigger fucking tits, and since I don’t get to fuck her, I don’t really care how mangled her pussy has become….I just like that she’s out there, showing the other busty starlets that they aren’t anything special, cuz everyone with a little tit can get themselves a push-up bra and a low cut shirt…and as a perverted blogger…I’m glad she did cuz this is a magical reminder of great tits from a simpler time…

Salma Hayek’s tis are on tour. I guess they are promotion a movie but I like to think they are just promoting her. They make me forget that she’s old and a mom now…and remember the things I used to do to myself watching topless clips of her in movies…it’s funny how tits can be so manipulative….even when they are Mexican after I vowed to never get off to a Mexican whore cuz my mother was a Mexican whore and it just feels wrong…but I guess there are exceptions to every rule you make based on your damaged childhood….

Speaking of damaged, here are her tits and her 45 year old body, destroying many stereotypes of other 45 year old Mexican women, with 12 kids and the ability to make a bed faster than they can change a white kid they work for’s diaper….and they are substantial….

Salma Hayek is a good fertile Mexican designed to breed….She’s got fat milk filled tits, a fat ass, wide hips ready to drop a new baby every 9 months, and her nipples are like faucets ready to feed a small town and despite having lost her appeal since she’s old and washed up, she’s still got her moments and I guess here’s a glimpse of what was…..and who really cares…cuz as a Mexican she’s automatically a second rate citizen and seeing her ego and celebrity blind her of that, annoys me. She’s the kind of Mexican who forgets she is Mexican the kind of bitch who is trying to be white so hard that she has Mexican staff maintaining her house that she treats like second rate citizens…but I guess her mom tits have the ability to make me ignore that….

I just saw this video of Salma Hayek freaking the fuck out cuz of a snake and it made me laugh…I guess it opens a lot of opportunity to make penis jokes because her kid may lead you to think she isn’t actually scared of snakes…but I figure that’d be a lame angle…so maybe you should just watch the clip in slow motion cuz fear in women is pornographic…and probably something you’re used to cuz scaring a bitch is the only way to get her to agree to fuck you…whether it is from sneaking up on them, threatening them or worse…

Watch the video….

In case you forgot what Salma Hayek Looks Like…Here she is yesterday…in picture…scaring me…

I just had a conversation with someone about kid’s shows being really fucking creepy. We were talking about PeeWee’s Playhouse because he’s making some kind of masturbating in a porn theater comeback, and like everyone in the late 80s, I used to watch the shit, until recently being forced to watch it again, only to realize just how crazy it actually was. It was sexual, awkward and more than anything, pretty fucking insane.

So if you haven’t watched a kid’s show as an adult, you will be surprised how fucking cracked out the shit is, it’s like a bad porno without the sex but instead with creepy tree-hugging hippies singing songs about bullshit and characters only serious hard drug use could think up. It is high energy, I’m talking bouncing off the wall insanity that would normally leave a motherfucker institutionalized if he was to do it on the street corner at 3 in the morning..

Apparently Salma Hayek, an entited mother celebrity mother who decided to do something to excite her spawn decided to pull some strings to show her kid just how cool she actually is and she did it while showing off her tits, making all the kids watching it hungry for milk…and scarring their brain into thinking tit, wanting tit and never quite knowing why they are so tit obsessed until serious therapy unravels this moment 20 years down the line….

So Salma Hayek smokes unlit cigarettes outside when she pushes her baby in a stroller, or pretends to cuz the cameras are there and doesn’t want to look like a mexican treating a motherfucker like a mexican, and I have a feeling this is going to be big news on those shitty tabloid shows that pollute your TV at 7 pm, more than unlit cigarettes pollute little babies. I seriously hated the dramatic performances that health addict hypocrites would make everytime I lit up in a non-smoking section, before they changed the fucking law because they health addict hypocrites don’t shut the fuck up, like you used to fuck up my meals. But the truth is that the air in NYC or LA is worse that the air of an unsmoked cigaretter 5 feet away from a kid, the pesticides in foods, and the vaccines that cause autism, also worse than an unlit cigarette. A molesting uncle, a bitter divorce, a broken home, even a public school education or a mother who pumps too much money into its hand to avoid having to spend time with it, is also worse than an unlit cigarette, polluted water is also worse than unlit cigarettes, so stop being fucking pussies. When I was this kid’s age I was fucking smoking already, and when I wasn’t, I was in vans and other closed window places with people who were smoking, and nothing happened to me. And the important thing is to remember what this kid did to Hayek’s body, and how he ruined the sloppy shit she had going for her, by making it more sloppy and deserves a to die or at least suffer a little, maybe with some pediatric cancer…..and I make that joke okay by saying I donated 2 dollars to the Kid’s Wish Foundation at the pharmacy earlier today. I have a cardboard star to prove it.

Salma Hayek was on German TV recently, lost a bet with someone and had to come out in some traditional German outfit because I guess the German’s take Cocktober fest seriously. The other thing they take seriously is mass genocide to create a superior aryan race, but I guess 60 years is long enough to forget those small little cultural details and appreciate Hayek’s tits while listening to such a romantic sounding language that makes part of me want to watch German scat porn before raping and gas chambering a bunch of Jews and the other part of me take a nice warm bath relaxing to the sounds of Wagner or Ramstein . Such a docile people.

Either way, they did good today by tricking Hayek into this outfit. Enjoy.

I am all for girls rocking cleavage shirts because I am a pervert and this site has given me a keen eye for spotting nipple slips. I was standing outside a bar, hoping a drunk guy who came out for a cigarette and accidentally drop his wallet the other day, and a group of hot chicks walked out with low cut shirts on, I guess it’s in style to show off your rack and I am not really complaining. One of them conveniently dropped something and when she went to pick it up her shirt dropped and I saw full fucking massive tit, while the other guys next to me missed it. It reminded me of when I was 12 and my foster mother used to come give me talks about God before I went to bed. She’d be in her night gown while I’d be lying in bed. She’d bend over to tuck me in, full tit exposed and I’d totally get a boner and jerk off to it the second she walked out. I always got scared that God was watching me, then I realized that if he was, he was a total pedophile and I might as well give him a good performance, because let’s face it, if I get him to get off when I was 12 only good things would be coming to me….I was wrong…

I am guessing that these celebrities are thinking the same thing, they are advertising their tits at some exclusive black tie event I wasn’t invited to, so that people like us fall into their booby trap…get it..I am so witty and that is good enough for you to start your day to….you’re welcome…

Jessica Simpson May Be Busted But Her Tits are Fucking Huge

Lohan May Be Distracting Us From Her Cocaine Video, But At Least She’s Doing it Properly, this shit will even get Disney to Sign Her Again

Salma Hayek is Pregnant and Full of Milk and That’s Pretty Much What I Wish All My Diet Consisted Of…

Jennifer Garner is Post-Pregancy and Her Tits Have Dried Up, But I’d Still Try To Get the Last Drops Out of Her

Rose McGowan has Always Had Hot Tits

Christina Ricci May Look Old and Beat Up and Her Tits May Have Been Reduced But She’s Still Packin’ Heat.

Scarlett Johannson Still Has Tits and I am Still Lookin’ At Them

Julianne Moore is the First Fire Crotch I Ever Saw in a Movie and Will Always Hold a Warm Place in My Heart for Proving that Myth Isn’t a Myth….

Rosario Dawson’s Tits Look Small But Small Titis are Tits Too…

Juliette Lewis is a Crackhead and Crackheads Don’t Have Tits, But She’s Still Trying…

I Don’t Really Give a Fuck About Mischa Barton But Whatever This is Still Cleavage…

Alicia Keys Has a Hairy Chest, So I Don’t Know If She Counts, But Even Men With Tits Count in Your World, Cuz You Are Desperate…

A few new ones…
I think Ivanka Trump Looks Awesome….I’d wallet-fuck her…

Karolina Kurkova Models Bikinis and I like Bikinis, Especially when they are on me, I feel so pretty…

Gisele isn’t with Victoria’s Secret Anymore, She’s Not a Hot as She Used To Be, But She Has Done A Lot in Her Panties and That Pretty Much Redeems Her….

Here are some pictures of Salma Hayek. I can only assume she’s pregnant cuz bitch looks like she’s a moving van. There are some girls, like my neighbor who get knocked up proper and walk around the building in yoga pants with an ass tighter than it was the day the random dude she let fuck her without a condom bust inside her, and other girls turn into fat sluts who look like my wife did in her prime. I am not sitting here like some asshole who hates fat chicks, I watched my wife down a pound of butter and box of cookies about 3 hours ago as a midnight snack. I still hang out with her. Salma is a fellow mexican, and even though I was taken out of my mexican world as a kid, I know what a mexican mother of 10 looks like and it’s usually a few tacos short of 250 lbs on a 5 ft 2 frame.

At least we know that Salma bangs, doesn’t believe in birth control and that her milk filled tits will only be bigger and better and have enough nutrients to feed her hometown, probably one of the better charity ideas that I’ve ever come up with.