Sunday, 25 September 2011

Undisputed, undecided,
Moving cause i have too,
Someone just called my name, but i dont hear,
Need to get away from the crowd, need to get to you

Hands like jaws, holding me back,
Telling me that i have fucking lost my mind,
They won’t get it; no one will understand why I’m running,
Tears blind me but it isn’t stopping me, i need to get to you

Why is it all so dark, where is the light gone?
Covered in misery, hiding from the truth and the reality,
Time warned me that it won't wait; i know i could lose you any minute,
Feels like my life is on a standstill, and i need to get to you somehow

Captured, tormented and beaten down,
My poor soul is entombed; can you come and let it out?
Why won’t they just let me go, standing on my way like stones and rocks
Can't they see the desperation in my eyes? I got to see you, see that its alright

Drunk in fury, i can’t think straight
Wish i could pray, and free you of all the pain,wish i could make it all mine,
The insanity the frustration that you threw at me ,all turn to determination,
Because you’re so close to me now, that all i got to do is close my eyes, and there you are.

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

For the first time today, i felt a different and overpowering an emotion . Anger. It’s not the first time i have felt angry, believe me there have been times, when i have thought that I’m going to tear some people's heads off. But today, i felt this strange anger towards him. Realizing that he uses me, uses the fact that I’m like puppet in his hands, uses the fact that I’m hopelessly in love with him for his advantage would normally bring pain, it would make me cry for hours, make me brood, make me want to sit staring at my study books, tears streaming down. But today, somehow it brought out anger in me. It was almost as i was relieved to know, that i was capable of feeling something other than love for him all the time. It’s like just the thought of him taking me as weak and helpless instead of kind and helpful for all i do for him, it struck some chord in me which i had forgotten about. So much was the affect, so much was the pain and anger, that for the first time i was mean to him, for the first time, i almost risked having a fight with him, It almost didn’t matter what he thought of me anymore, it’s like something in me broke and all i wanted was him to realize that I’m more than just some stepping stone. And i would like to think, after the conversation i had with him after my outbreak, that i am a bit more than that. i would like to hope that he meant it when he said that I’m a friend to him, wish that he meant it when he said that he wasn’t using me. And what other choice do i have but to believe him? It’s not in me, to not. He never said sorry, but my anger still vanished, he is the only person who can get away without a sorry, he got away this time, and this was not the first time that he did

Friday, 16 September 2011

We all wish our lives where a bit different them they actually are, it’s normal, we are humans, we are born with the instinct to never be happy. I too wish my life was different...
I wish i could stop giving a fuck about people who have hurt me, stop caring about them, and just act like they dont exist. If the people who i have been best friends with, for the last 8 years suddenly decide, that I mean nothing to them, it’s should be cool right? Their loss, i have new friends, but then why does it hurt so much? Why do i still keep thinking about the way they screwed my life??
And then ofcous i wish i had never met him. Oh god, how much simpler my life would have been, now that he is in my life, i just can’t let him go, i know i have to someday.... but the thing is the someday is too close now. This is my last year with him. Last year, the finality of the tone, scares me to bits. What if i can’t get over him? What if even when i am not with him, i still continue to love him...then? What a screwed up life ill lead. It’s not like I’ve never felt something for anyone but him, i have. But it’s like he is in my subconscious thought, even unintentionally, I’m thinking about him. Before everything i do, what will he think? That’s all that i can think about.
And i finally I wish, that tomorrow would not be the 17th of September, cause tomorrow it will be 2 years and 3 months of liking him. Yeah I have a great life.

Friday, 9 September 2011

When you like someone apparently your supposed to want them to like you back. if they dont feel the same way, its time to move on. what i dont get is, how is that possible? Its not like you start liking someone cause they like you, so how can you stop just cause they dont feel the same way? Yes, ofcous its better if they do, but thats not the most important thing is it? When you like someone, what you want the most is to just be around them.Its like just the sight of this person gives you some extreme happiness which makes sense to any one but to you. My friends say that the symptoms of love, are quickining of the heartbeat and the jelly knees,but to me that never was realistic. The way i best describe the feeling, is flying. Random right? Well it does feel like your feet just cant touch the ground when your with them, its feeling unsure about urself, its feeling consious, its feeling nervous as hell, and its feeling your lips twist, dying to break into a wide grin, atleast thats what i feel when im around him. It doesnt matter that he doesnt see me, doesnt matter that he talks to me once in a blue moon, all that matters is that he is there, somewhere, around me. Just the fact that i can see his face, hear his voice, feel his presence is enough. How stupid do i sound? Believe me, every word of it is true, and if youve ever loved someone, you know that its true. You know that when you love someone,the preson becomes the key to all your emotions. You know that its that one person who can hurt you the most yet make you the happiest. If i start to write about how much he hurts me, this blog will fall short. Lets just say everytime that he looks at me and it seems as if he sees through me, or everytime he looks into my eyes,sees i love him, and just looks away, oh god...it kills me. But then again he makes me happy. its not some situation with him or something he said, its HIM. Whoever is reading this, and rolling on the floor with laughter, and finding it stupid, my guess is you've never loved someone. So stop reading this, go find the person who will mean to you, more than anything in the world. Cause once you do, all this will make sense, you'll see the whole world with a new outlook. Trust me.

Thursday, 1 September 2011

Have you ever written something and then erased it? Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but never found the right words to say it? Have you ever looked into someone's eyes and fogotten the words in your head. I have. somedays when i look at him, i feel like just screaming at him how much i love him. but i can never do it, its not cause im not strong enough, its cause im sure that words cant even start to explain what i feel. i write thousands of messages a day that i wish i could send to him, but somehow when i re read them, they seem to make no sense. When he looks at me, words freeze in my mind. speechless, doesnt seem to be an exaggeration anymore. Think how fustrating it must be. Worst thing is, when i do find the words they come out this way, lame. Sometimes i try and explain to people what i feel for him, but however hard i try i can never explain it. Try doing this sometime, describing an overpowering emotion, you'll realise there is no way to do it. Specially love, cant put words to it. Cause when you love someone there are a thousand other emotions attached too. So how do we express love? ive realised that you dont need to say "i love you". life isnt some bollywood movie after all. Be persistent. dont give up hope, dont let them break you down, instead stand beside them like a wall, and someday, maybe years later, they will realise that you mean to them as much as they mean to you.