A female perspective on the Autistic Spectrum, Mental Illness and everything else….

Millionth and last time I’m going to try to explain things. It would help if people listen and take on board what is actually the truth.

This is the millionth time that I have tried to explain things that have happened because I’m absolutely fed up of people making assumptions and referring to me in ways that deeply hurt me. I am going to try to explain things in the simplest ways possible for the ones that do not yet ‘get it’. I’m taking time out of other things that I’m trying to get done because it pisses me off when people make assumptions about me. I’m trying to move on with my life despite having PTSD affects from the things that have happened. I don’t need any hurtful assumptions aimed at me otherwise I’ll never learn to trust others again or settle in my life.

I’m not saying that I’ve never made mistakes. I have but it was due to lack of experience. I’ve never had a proper dating relationship. I don’t know how to be with people that I like or give people the right impressions. I’ve now ended up frightened of interacting with others in case they get the wrong idea. I’m a caring sociable person but have been left very nervous and anxious after everything that has happened.

I don’t know the full details in regards to what the other party involved has told everyone that they know. I can only guess that it isn’t positive from the comments that have been relayed to me. I was convicted only due to technicalities involved in the case. I was kicked out of DMU after they completely let me down by refusing to offer appropriate support. I reacted to that treatment by saying things that weren’t very nice via email to the tutor involved. That is how the restraining order originally ended up in force. I broke it trying to apologise. The other person refused to listen to anything I tried to explain to them. It went back to court and the order became indefinite. I broke it because I was trying to tell the other person that it was unfair and I hated the way things were between us. It made me feel so guilty and hateful towards myself. I’m no threat to anyone. I just wouldn’t accept that I deserved the order. I didn’t stalk the other party. I genuinely thought that they were not who they turned out to be. I’m not going into it here… but believe me they got completely the wrong end of the stick. I was digging around for information about them because I thought that they were someone that they turned out not to be. I have my own issues yes and I was open about them. However, I only got everything thrown back in my face for being open.

I was totally honest. I didn’t deceive anyone at any point. I just had my honesty thrown back in my face. I reacted to discrimination. I didn’t attack another person for no reason whatsoever. I felt that it was justified at that time because in my eyes they had let me down severely after I was kicked out of university. I explained my Autism and instead of working with me, the university worked directly against me, causing me huge distress. I’m a genuine person who has tried to do the right things in the hardest of circumstances. I had just lost my son to adoption before all this kicked off. I didn’t deserve that either. I was understandably heartbroken and cut up emotionally at that time. That is only natural, this doesn’t make me mentally unstable. I assure readers of this blog that anyone would be broken for many years after that had happened to them. I’m not making excuses. I tell it exactly how it is and how things really occurred. I just wish that others would listen to me! The other party got the wrong idea because they didn’t know the full facts, and even if I’d have told them the full facts then they wouldn’t have been prepared to listen and repair the situation. They are the one being difficult with their lack of understanding, compassion and willingness to obtain the full facts before they reacted.