Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Affirmation

Recently, I've been listening to Savage Garden. They are (were) a pretty good band, sound-wise, but that's beside the point I'm making here. My point is that the lyrics they wrote in the 2 songs I'm going to put on here, are relevant to my feelings.The first song is called hold me - it is quite relevant to the way I feel sometimes, mainly the chorus and second verse (although a bit more melodramatic than the way I feel), but it's a beautifully written song:Hey, if we can't find a way out of these problems, then maybe we don't need thisStanding face to face, enemies at war we build defencesAnd secret hiding placesI might need you to hold me tonightI might need you to say its alrightI might need you to make the first standCos tonight I'm finding it hard to be your manHey, more than angry words I hate this silence, it's getting so loudWell, I wanna scream, but bitterness has silenced these emotionsIt's getting hard to breatheSo tell me isn't happiness worth more than a gold or diamond ring?I'm willing to do anything, to calm the storm in my heartI've never been the praying kind, but lately I've been down on my kneesNot looking for a miracle, just a reason to believeI might need you to hold me tonightI might need you to say its alrightI might need you to make the first standCos tonight I'm finding it hard to be your manDo you remember not long ago, when we used to live for the night-timeCherish each momentNow we don't live we exist, we just run through our livesSo aloneThat's why I need you to hold me

Hey, if we can't find a way out of these problems, then maybe we don't need thisStanding face to face, enemies at war we build defencesAnd secret hiding places

I might need you to hold me tonightI might need you to say its alrightI might need you to make the first standCos tonight I'm finding it hard to be your man-------------------------The second song is called Affirmation - this song is about beliefs in life (not religion), and pretty much encapsulates my beliefs. If you talk to me I'm likely to tell you I believe something different, but these are my basic feelings:I believe the sun should never set upon an argumentI believe we place our happiness in other people's handsI believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for youI believe your parents did the best job they knew how to doI believe that beauty magazines promote low self-esteemI believe in love when I'm completely by my self, aloneI believe in karma, what you give is what you get returnedI believe you can't appreciate real love till you've been burnedI believe the grass is no more greener on the other sideI believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbyeI believe you can't control or choose your sexualityI believe that trust is more important than monogamyI believe your most attractive features are your heart and soulI believe that family is worth more than money or goldI believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfairI believe the only ones who disagree are millionnairesI believe in karma, what you give is what you get returnedI believe you can't appreciate real love till you've been burnedI believe the grass is no more greener on the other sideI believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbyeI believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappinessI believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressedI believe that God does not endorse TV evangelistsI believe in love surviving death into eternityI believe in karma, what you give is what you get returnedI believe you can't appreciate real love till you've been burnedI believe the grass is no more greener on the other sideI believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye-------------------------That's enough for nowLoz

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Somewhere a clock is ticking...

and it's ticking past 4, very very late, i can't sleep but i'm gonna go to bed in a minute, i just thought i hadn't blogged in a while, so i'd better post something. I was bored so i did this little quiz thing that i got sent, tells you a lot about me if you wanted to know anything, its kinda cool so read it if you want.*Time started: 3:32 AM (yeah i know its late, fu)*Name: Lawrence*Single or Taken: Horribly single*Sex: Male (i was gonna make a joke but it's too overdone)*Birthday: June 30, 1986*Siblings: Two younger sisters, 15 and 17*Hair color: Blonde*Eye color: Blue*Shoe size: 8*Height: 5'6".*Innie or Outie: Innie*What are you wearing right now: lots of layers, it's fucking cold*Righty or lefty: righty-------------------------------~Relationships~-------------------------------*Who are your closest friends?: my housemates, and dick, and dawsey*Do you have a bf or gf: no*Best place to go for a date: cinema, duh*Where is your favorite place to shop: sainsbury's...no really*Do you have any tattoos or piercings?: hell no---------------------------------~Favorites~ ---------------------------------*Color: green maybe, i dunno*Number(s): 42*Food: Pizza*Boy's name: harvey*Girl's name: louise maybe, or sarah or natalie*Subject in school: managing public services with MIKE MARINETTO*Animal: lion *Drink: tropical fruit juice from sainsbury's*Celebrity: Johhny Depp*Sport: athletics, tennis*Veggie: broccoli*Fruit: banana, grapes*Fast food place: mcdonalds*Place to visit: er, town?*Month: December*Juice: see above*Ice Cream: carte d'or spagnola ice cream, you haven't lived if you haven't tried it*Breakfast: i'd rather have a bowl of coco pops, but ramon's can be tempting*Perfume/Cologne: anything by CK, if only it wasn't so expensive*Favorite cartoon character: Homer Simpson------------------------------------Have you ever?-----------------------------------*Given anyone a bath: No*Bungee jumped: No, but damnit i want to*Made yourself throw-up: Yeah.*Gone skinny dipping: yeah*Been in the opposite sex's bathroom: lol yeah*Eaten a dog biscuit: yeah*Put your tongue on a frozen pole: probably*Loved someone that made you cry: no*Played truth or dare: no shit*Been in a physical fight: Yeah.*Been in a police car: Yes.*Been on a plane: yes*Been in a sauna: Yes*Been in a hot tub: Yes, hell there's one in my house*Swam in the ocean: yes*Fallen asleep in school: yeah*Ever had a sex dream?: jeez who hasn't*Broken someone's heart: not that i know of*Flashed someone: no*Lied: yes*Laughed so hard you fell off your chair: yeah*Saved e-mails: Yes*Wished you were someone else: yeah*Wished you were a member of the opposite sex: no*Been rejected?: yeah*Been in love?: nah*Used someone: No*Been cheated on: nope*Done something you regret?: Too many to remember------------------------------------------First Thing That Comes to Mind------------------------------------------*Red: blood*Blue: ocean*Happy: south park for some reason, weird huh*Cow: a cow...*Greenland: reindeer------------------------------------------.Random.------------------------------------------*Your good luck charm: what the hell is good luck*Stupidest thing you have ever done: deciding to do work experience in italy when i don't speak a word of italian - but do i regret it? HELL NO*Your most prized possession: my acre of moon land*Last thing you ate: i'm eating a biscuit right now*Fave song: beatles - you've got to hide your love away*Best Thing that has happened to you this week?: this week's been pretty average----------------------------------Have you had...----------------------------------*Chicken pox: yeah*Mumps: yes*Sore Throat: Yes*Cold: Yes*Stitches: Yes*Bloody nose: Yes-----------------------------Do you...-----------------------------*Believe in love at first sight: yeah*Enjoy parks: Yes.*Like picnics: Very much*Like school: yeah-----------------------------Who...-----------------------------*Who is the last person you talked to on the phone: mummy*Makes you laugh the most: i'd say dan is being pretty hilarious at the moment*Makes you smile: everyone i like*Can make you feel better no matter what: probably my grandad*Last person you hugged: er, james*Messaged you: what text? last text is from dak on monday, man 2 days without a text i suck*Is the last person you yelled at: dan-----------------------------------------Do You/Are You...------------------------------------------*Do you like yourself: Sometimes.*Do you get along with your family: more and more*Do you color your hair: I have been known to*Do you like piercings below the waist? no*Habla espanol?: No!*Stolen anything ever?: yeah*Obsessive: not really*Anorexic: hell no, food rocks*Depressed?: no*Suicidal?: no------------------------------------------Final Questions------------------------------------------In the opposite sex...------------------------------------------*Cute and mysterious or wild and sexy: how about nice and innocent*Dressy or casual: smart casual*Dark or blonde hair: either*Long or short hair: long*Curly or straight hair: Straight but curly is ok*Dark or light eyes: light, but dark is cool*Long or short nails: wtf i don't care*Hat or no hat: wear a fucking hat if you want*Good or bad: ? like bad as in evil? or bad as in naughty? probably both*Hair up or down: down*Jewelery or none: don't give a shit*Tall or short: don't mind a couple of inches taller*Pants or dress: so this is an american quiz, sigh*Tan or fair: don't care*Freckles or none: WHO GIVES A SHIT OMFG I'LL TAKE WHAT I CAN GET*Fat or thin: Thin (I actually added this question, no need to thank me)------------------------------------------*What do you notice first about a girl/boy: eyes*Shy or outgoing: not too outgoing, but not too shy*Dimples: whatever*What do you like the most in a girl/boy: personality*What time is it now: 3:56 AM. holy shit i should go to bedand go to bed I shall, good night!

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Wednesday's child is full of haste...

Time to clear a few things up. It seems this blog is not as private as I thought it was - I wanted it kept private for a reason, but I guess it's here to be read, and I'm not sorry that it has been.I do, however, want to make a few small adjustments to what I previously said. First and foremost, those parties involved should make note of the time of my posting. It took place during an "eventful" Wednesday evening while a small game of Monopoly was taking place in the other room. It should be noted that from my room I can hear every word that is said in the living room, so when noise levels pretty much went through the roof while I was trying to sleep, I was not best pleased. Unfortunately anger clouded my vocabulary and perhaps my wording was a bit harsh for the sentiment I was trying to get across. However, I do stand by the underlying sentiment, although perhaps not to the extreme that I posted on Wednesday. Yes, I could have asked for noise levels to be brought down on Wednesday, and I would have (I can't think of a better way to word this) if I thought my opinion mattered. On the whole though, I have to admit the situation isn't as bad as I made it out to be on Wednesday.Secondly, the underlying sentiment about our house being our house. I'm not going to retract that, I stick by it. However, obviously people are allowed their friends and now and then I have completely no objection - it's just when it happens most days of the week that it starts to annoy me. I'm sure it would annoy others in the house if I had my friends round most days of the week - I appreciate that, and I would hope that other people do too. By the way, Roxi I generally have no problem with, I understand your reasons for being around a lot and I don't object.Thirdly, I am not alone in my basic feelings. No more to be said here.Fourthly, and this is the point that I expect those reading are waiting for me to get to. Why didn't I just ask them personally? There are a few reasons for this. Firstly, I like to think of myself as a polite person, and asking people not to come around as often is laughably impolite. Secondly, the people of which I speak are other people's friends, not mine. It would probably be generous to call them acquaintances as I barely know them really. Partly my fault for never making the effort to get to know them, but I won't take complete blame for that. I generally don't feel that it is my place to tell people who I don't know what to do with themselves, so I avoid doing that as much as I can. Thirdly, I wrote in this blog instead of talking to them because all I wanted to do was get the feelings off my chest. Once that is done I can read them again at a later time and I find it a lot easier to cope with. Once I'd written this down on Wednesday I felt better and was able to deal with the situation. I originally intended this blog for my own reading only, and I'm not going to deny that I didn't want it to be read by those who did read it - but it's probably for the better that they did, because now I have been prompted to explain what I otherwise wouldn't have. Finally, I didn't talk to them because I am not a confrontational person by nature. I avoid confronting people about things as much as I can do. That is why I am writing this as opposed to discussing it with the parties - I do not like being forced into confrontations, and when I am I often get angry and out of hand, and will either say or do things that I don't mean. People in Cardiff have not seen the extent of my temper, and I would hate for them to see it.Okay, time for my final thought. I have no personal problem with any of the people who I have mentioned above, and in reasonable doses I can handle it. It's when noise and space levels are consistently a problem that I have a problem. I have no objection to the people being round sometimes, and I would encourage it - I want my housemates to see their friends.Of course, I am expecting considerable backlash for my words on Wednesday. I expect a few people will now have some kind of vendetta against me, and I also expect some kind of campaign of revenge. I'm cool with that - I believe in karma and if I have truly wronged these people then I deserve to pay for it.I'm glad I'm writing this while calm, as my thoughts are clear and I am able to mean pretty much everything I am saying. Basically, my feeling is that life is too short for mindless hate, and people say things they often don't mean. But, if people aren't willing to make concessions and cooperate, then perhaps I will have to start looking for somewhere else to live. If that's what people want, then I will oblige. But if people want to hate me for what I feel, then that's cool with me. What goes around comes around, and none of this will matter when we're all dead.If anyone has any questions about what I have said could they make a comment here to ask me. Ask me in person and you will not get an answer - I am not going to be confronted about such things, and I ask that, if people truly know me, then they respect my feelings.I can't really think of anything to write now, hopefully this has cleared some things up, bridged a few gaps, etc. But if you really want to hate me, go ahead.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?

Well,it'sprobably about time for me to post again, I'm just pretty bored at the moment so I thought I'd write down some of the stuff that's going on. I'm now in my second year at Cardiff, and I'm liking the course a lot more than I did last year, so much so in fact that I'm even going to lectures (well, most of them)!!Life in general is good, although I don't have much money. The only real problem I am experiencing at the moment is the house I'm living in - quite a big problem. Don't get me wrong, I like the people I live with, but they're not the ones that spend most of their time at the house. The way it is at the moment, I should just go and live somewhere else and let the 3 or 4 people who are ALWAYS round here just live in my room. I'm so fucking fed up of there being no room in the living room due to people who don't live here being here. And on top of it all, I'm going to be expected to pay for the electricity that these people are using. It's just ridiculous. When I said I wanted to move in with these guys, I wanted to move in with these guys. God, it pisses me off. I mean, I have a job working at Sainsbury's here in Cardiff now, and I don't usually like work, but it's just nice to get away from the fucking crowd in the evenings.Oh well, only a year and a half until graduation, and then I can finally fly solo. I made the decision over the summer that I wanted to join the police, namely the Metropolitan Police in London. I had been mulling this over for some time, and I'm not going to lie about the events of July 7th having an influence on my decision, but I feel that the police is a calling for me, and it feels right imagining me doing it.Once in the police, it would be my ambition to join with the anti-terrorist police, perhaps not as a field operative but as someone who can really make a difference stopping serious crimes such as terrorism.Now on to a more sensitive subject - the ladies. There is no girl that I particularly like at the moment, and I miss having a crush on a girl. As for pulling in nightclubs, frankly the situation is getting quite annoying. Pulling never has been and never will be my top priority when I go to a nightclub. All I want to do when I'm there is dance the night away and have a good time. But in a stark contrast to last year I seem to have lots of girls around me all the time I'm on the dancefloor. Don't get me wrong, I love that this happens and I would hate for the girls to be replaced with guys, but I just don't like the pressure on me to pull one or more of those girls, particularly with my friends watching. Take Monday night at Creation as an example - we were dancing, and this pretty hot girl was dancing into me, kept looking round and waiting for me to dance with her. I thought 'OK cool, she obviously likes me', and I was considering doing something about it, so I dance a bit closer. But then I look round and see my friends stood there watching me, egging me on and waiting for me to do something. The pressure was too much and in the end I didn't do anything, the girl got bored and went away. This situation tends to happen at least once every night I go out. I don't mind the girl part, but I wish my friends would mind their own business lol.Well, that's me for now, I can't really be arsed to type anymore, so I'm gonna sign off for now.Loz

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Trainspotting

Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourself.