On "The Red Green Show," a Canadian comedy show, there is a recurring character who is a roofer by trade and who aspires to become a country singer. Whenever he appears, he's always wearing a cast and a neck brace and he has a guitar sitting on his lap. He writes his own songs, to which the other characters tend to grimace and wince. Here's one of his songs. Not exact, but as close as I can remember it. It doesn't rhyme, it doesn't scan, and it can be sung to any rambling tune that you can make up on the spot.

When you feel like a frog hopping down the road of life, And everything that happens to you feels like a steel-belted radial, Just remember as you lay there in a puddle of your assorted bodily fluids, That At least You made Your mark.

The great Shel Silverstein (who wrote 'Boy Named Sue', 'Queen of The Silver Dollar', 'Ballad of Lucy Jordan', 'Cover of Rolling Stone' among others) came up with a great country pastiche (which you can hear on Spotify)

Intro

Verse "All the DJs keep complaining my tunes are way too long So I went and wrote myself a twenty six second song"

Oh, it's hard to say "Oly-ma-kitty-luca-chi-chi-chi," But in Tonga, that means "No"! If I ever have the money, 'tis to Tonga I shall go., For each lovely Tongan maiden there, will gladly make a date, And by the time she's said: "Oly-ma-kitty-luca-chi-chi-chi," It is usually too late!

Bryn - If you had read the thread before adding to it, as is generally considered courteous around here, you would not have repeated one of my postings — particularly one so prominently placed as the first addition to the thread. Why has the fact that you failed to do so motivated you to be rude and aggressive to me? I ask in genuine puzzlement.

Adrian Edmondson and the Bad Shepherds are currently touting this one;

All around my hat I will wear the green willow All around my hat for a twelvemonth and a day, And if anybody asks me the reason that I'm wearing it, I'll say mind your own business, It's my f***ing hat!

Hmmm, posted a bunch of stuff earlier today, but must have punched the wrong key at the end.

Outside outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend indeed Inside inside of a dog, it's much too dark, too dark to read.

A baby sardine saw his first submarine and was scared to look through the peephole "Come, come come" said the sardine's Mum. "It's only a tin full of people.

To the tune of "God Save the King" The King he had a date, he stayed out very late, he was a King The Queen she paced the floor, she paced 'til half past four, she meet him at the door God Save the King.

I grabbed a tulip, a big yellow tulip and you grabbed a big red rose My house was burning, the green house was burning, and there was no time for clothes Nest day the jurry condemned us with fury for being so exposed. I said "judge quit your stalling, the ptals are falling from his tulip and my red rose.

Slithery Dee came out of the sea, he caught all the others, but he won't catch me. Stupit old Slithery Dee. He caught all the others, but he won't catch . . . SLURP

Tradsinger, There is a rendition of it the Dave Williams album, "You're On Nipper!. Forest Tracks FT2CD 201. The late Dave Williams was one of the local heroes of the Southampton/South Hampshire area in my early days in folk music,late 1960's and that song was often one of his throwaway items if he couldn't think of anything else to do, which was very rarely.

Where have you been all the day, Billy boy, Billy boy? Where have you been all the day, my Billy boy? I've been lurking all the day On the old Mudcat Cafe, And the threads all tickled my fancy, Oh my charming Billy boy. ;-D

Not quite the same thing, but Peter Blegvad's song The Only Song goes like this:

Imagine a world where this was the only song And against your will You had to sit and listen to it all day long Until it made you ill

The second verse goes like this:

Imagine a world where this was the only song And against your will You had to sit and listen to it all day long Until it made you ill

The third verse... you get the idea.

I saw the comedian Rory McGrath once as part of a semi-jokey C&W act, I forget what they were called. They had one song which had one of those rather mumbly "when I wake up with my love beside me" openings...

"And I lean to her and kiss her And her kiss is warm and tender And it feels just like the first time And she opens her eyes wide And she says

Who... The fuck are you? Who the fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck are you? Who the fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck..."