OJ Simpson

O.J. Simpson was granted parole this morning in a unanimous vote at Lovelock Prison in Nevada, but in an emergency session, Simpson’s parole was just pulled after police reportedly found a hit list in his cell.

The notebook, which was hidden under a loose piece of tile in Simpson’s cell, was reportedly titled “People I’d kill if I ever get out of Prison,” and listed people like Judge Glass, who sentenced Simpson to 33 years in prison for his role in the armed robbery that got him arrested.

Other names on the list included Joe Biden, Robin Williams, and Carl Sagan.

“Some of the names were slightly outdated, and had been scratched out, like Robin Williams,” said prison warden Gus Varney. “Still, we cannot take any chances that this list, which was very well detailed with how the crimes would be committed, is just fiction or fantasy.”

Simpson says that the “hit list” was nothing more than stories, much like his book that was published detailing the murder of Nicole Simpson, titled If I Did It.

“I wrote that book, and it was just a joke. Like, you know, if I killed Nicole, you know, how it might have happened, but it was still just a story,” said Simpson. “This is the same thing. Man, when you’ve been in prison for nearly a decade, you have to do something to keep your mind occupied. Me, I write murder stories. Why would I ever want to kill Robin Williams for real? The man is a treasure.”

Simpson was depressed to find out that Robin Williams had already died after committing suicide a few years ago. Simpson’s next parole hearing will be in 2022.

Representatives for Lovelock Correctional Facility in Nevada have responded to questions about OJ Simpson, who has been incarcerated in their facility since 2008, after news was leaked that Simpson killed during a prison-wide talent show that featured inmates and guards alike.

“It is absolutely correct that OJ Simpson, better known around the prison as Juice, absolutely killed during his stand-up comedy routine,” said Lovelock warden Derek Hughes. “He really was hilarious, and he had the whole crowd in stitches the entire time. He performed for maybe 15 minutes, doing totally original material. I seriously had tears rolling down my cheeks. It really was a throwback to his comedy days. You remember those Naked Gun movies? Oh man, those are my favorite films. He was hilarious then, and he’s hilarious now. I hope he gets out in time to make a cameo in the remake they’re working on.”

“I absolutely love performing, and it was great to get up there, have a little fun, and make everyone laugh,” said Simpson. “There are two big loves in my life, and that’s sports and comedy. I hadn’t yet been able to really do much comedy since I’d been in prison, but I am thankful that I’ve been able to coach and mentor some of the younger inmates and help them in their games. We have some great fields and facilities here. I want to thank everyone for the kind words about my stand-up performance. It means a lot.”

Simpson is eligible for parole in October, with preliminary parole hearings scheduled to begin in July.

A scientific study conducted at Martinvale University has been released today naming O.J Simpson the greatest athlete of all time. Martinvale representative Daniel Carson sat down with a correspondent from CNN this afternoon to discuss the study in further detail, starting off by addressing the shock and controversy the study has already received.

“Look, I know this isn’t going to be a popular discovery, but like it or not, The Juice is the greatest athlete we have ever seen, and will probably ever see.”

Carson proceeded to give a breakdown of the study. “O.J was a monster on and off the field, I mean the guy rushed for over 2,000 yards in a 14 game season, and played in 6 Pro Bowls. He is such a beast he was able to rush for over 200 yards in 6 different games throughout his amazing career.”

After continuing to spend a brief period quoting O.J Simpson’s NFL stats that anyone could easily find on Wikipedia, Carson took an odd and controversial turn in the conversation

“The fact of the matter is that The Juice has it all. Today we have athletes like Ray Rice that aren’t even able to get away with simple domestic violence. A civil court found that O.J straight murdered two people like a savage, and he never saw a day behind bars for it.”

Carson tells CNN that it’s these ‘pure animal instincts’ and smarts that allowed O.J to get away with murder both on and off the field. “Greatest Athlete is not a title handed down purely for brute strength or game statistics, it’s having the brain to think on your feet and tie it all together.”

The study also makes reference to O.J’s acting career and states his performance in Roots and TheNaked Gun can only be described as brilliant. The claim was made within the study that “it’s those charismatic and sharp instincts within O.J’s genes that allowed him to excel as an actor that contributed to him being a phenomenal athlete. There really is a huge and overlooked crossover between the skills that make one a great actor and a great athlete.”

Though the results of the study are understandably widely disputed, Carson wrapped up his interview with CNN by saying “If O.J were to suit up today at age 67, he’d be the best player in the NFL, and if he so chose he could be the best player in the NBA, NHL, or MLB. That’s an indisputable fact.”