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everything must come naturally

I’m curious about the way she kisses. Is it unique? Is there or has it ever been anyone else who kisses just like she does? Can any man out there explain in disturbing details the way she locks lips with another human being? Does she know just how natural, necessary and deeply emotional experience kissing is? Perhaps she knew, but forgot at some point..

I remember us kissing casually few brief moments after we met. It was awkward and we were nervous, but pressing my lips against hers felt natural. I don’t think I’ve ever done this before I met her – casually lock lips with someone you’ve been friends with until that point. All of this seems so far away in the past. Her kisses disappeared. Or maybe they never existed; it was always me who initiated them at least. We concentrated on the intensity. The count and depth of penetration. All of these characteristics are closer to the nature of the agreement. Still, I find happiness in being with her..in kissing her.

Present-day literature and cinema show an unhealthy infatuation with a person’s ‘first love’. You see, we’re all led to believe that a woman never gets over her ‘first’ and that a man becomes one solely with his ‘first’ sexual partner. What a crock of steaming shit! I realize with striking calamity that it wasn’t until I was in my late 20s that I met the woman who showed me what sex..good sex and a real woman were supposed to be like. Too bad it turned out she could go without those kisses I so desperately crave and need. One time she kissed me on my back, right between the shoulder blades and now – in moments when I’m particularly aware of her absence – I can feel the spot burning. It seems that after all – it’s not the depth, count or intensity of penetration that show the level of emotional infatuation since all of them can be recreated perfectly with another partner. The kisses can’t, however, and remain the only true barometer for love, attachment and intimacy. Every person kisses differently and you can never erase that from your memory. When all else fades with time, the recollections of former lovers’ kisses remain just as vivid and palpable. Yes, I’m intrigued by the way she kisses. Some may even say it’s vital to my existence.

Another thing I’m curious about is her smile. Not her laughter or her reaction to a joke or a funny story, but her reaction of pure joy. Naturally, she smiles when she’s amused, but she never smiles when she’s content or happy. (actually, is she ever truly contented or happy?) She squints her eyes and lightly purses her lips as she looks away – it’s impossible to tell whether she actually enjoys or is fond of something. You can guess and try to recreate it to see if the reaction will be different – more emotional and sincere – but it won’t work. Everything is under control in her. Her emotions, her feelings, her reactions, her actions, her words and, I figure, even her thoughts. This often leads to the [almost] complete eradication of any emotion whatsoever. Negative and positive ones. Especially if you abuse this self-control for a long time. And there’s nothing more peculiar than the sight of an indifferent woman, believe me.

I’m curious about her emotions. Although I’m afraid to dig as I don’t think I’m able to face what I’m bound to find. Sometimes I dread that I may not find any emotion whatsoever. I don’t know which scares me more. Either way I have a feeling that the later I find out the truth – the better for me. I just can’t chase away the feeling of pity that she hasn’t made the most of the man that I came to be.

Where is her pleasure center? I imagine her inner world quite desolate and lonely – nothing but a serene fountain, surrounded neatly by an impenetrable wall of stones fitted so closely that there isn’t a single crack. Al access to this fountain is restricted with an iron gate, barbed wire and a numeric sequence. There isn’t even an escape route. And there are so many joys out there, waiting in the big bright world. Does she see them? Can she feel them? Does she take? Use? Receive? Consume? It would be such a pity if she didn’t..

I’m also curious about her deeds. It’s because she’s very careful to avoid any as well as anything else that she considers ‘too final’; ‘too engaging’ or ‘too formal’. She subtly passes from one state to the next, from one situation to another, gradually shifting her attitude and body language. Acting as if though ‘things just happen and we have to make due’; as if very little [if anything at all] is within our control. Such a chameleon – she just blends to the point, where you can safely assume this has always been her natural state as far as you know. Everything is seamless; everything falls perfectly into place. Except for you as you’ve never felt more uneasy in your entire life. She doesn’t..she can’t understand your predicament – “why make a fuss? things just happen” and there’s no pulling her out of this state of existence. Is there anything that can jolt her out of it? What would invoke a human, heart-felt reaction in her – these are the types of things I’m curious about.

Somewhere, deep below the calm surface lie the answers to all these questions. Reasons and justifications lie in an erratic pile she clearly doesn’t want to dig through. Or she doesn’t feel like it. It’s hard to say, but I have a feeling that in these depths there isn’t a single crack, vent or any outlet whatsoever – everything is sealed with stones and concrete – smooth, orderly and neat. There’s probably some quiet harmonic music in the background. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

This type of person who always blends with the surrounding reality is impossible to please. ‘Things just happen’ and she accepts them whether they cause her pain or happiness, because she’s given up on being in control of her life long ago. How can you convince such a person that the two of you can make one hell of a life together? … And I ache to see her smile; to taste her kisses; to feel her hand running through my hair; or to put my hand inside hers. I crave to sense an emotion in her voice, in her actions, in her movements.. ANYTHING. Either way she will give me exquisite pleasure because she’s mastered the technical side of things. But it’s not enough to make me happy. It’s so unfair that I can’t do the same for her. And I can’t chase away the fear that, sooner or later, she’ll meet someone who’s perfectly capable. This will come naturally to him. Like everything else in her life.