Friday, December 25, 2009

I spent the whole of Christmas Eve making our Grandmother's secret toffee recipe with my Aunt and my awesome cousin (we talked all night about family secrets and she told me lots of stuff about my dad)(ooooh boy do I KNOW STUFF)

I made A LOT of toffee. Like, A LOT A LOT. So, in contrast to my starvation diet, here's EXACTLY what I ate yesterday.

Two choc croissants and double mocha =BreakfastLarge iced mocha at the mall=morning snackhalf box of the BEST mini gingerbread cookies from trader joes=lunchundisclosed amount of toffee=dinner....carried over to breakfast NOW!

I'm just glad Dr. Drew doesn't do food rehab. woo ee!

AM about to leave for airport where I will then eat toffee on the plane whilst my seat neighbors eat their peanuts. I am SO excited to see what Santa left for me at my parent's house! It BETTER BE GOOD! (I'm looking at YOU dad)

So, MERRY CHRISTAMS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD FLIGHT! (ha! again. made that one up on the fly!)(get it..fly...FLY! HA!)

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I was stuck in traffic coming home from Santa Monica. And LO, there to my left my wandering eyes did see....The most amazing lights EVER. Luckily I was in non-moving traffic, otherwise I mighta wrecked. My first thought was "wait. did I make a wrong turn at Disneyland?"And then I realized it was The LA Mormon Temple.

Verily. I was in awe.

Now, say what you will about the Mormons, But these guys can..A. singB. bakeand C. DE-CO-RATE!!(the Mormon Religion is the Martha Stewart of religions)

Also. I lived in Salt lake for 6 yrs or so (whatever time it was that took me to graduate college) and I probably saw THOSE Christmas lights every year. And let me just tell you that LA Mormon Temple Lights kick Salt Lake Temple lights ASS!

These pics don't even do it justice AT ALL. I tried taking iphone pics but they are laughably lame. And it's not just that there were pretty lights....they were all artistic. The palm trees looked like fireworks. And one GIANT tree looked like a hot air balloon.

See? we can all get a holiday lesson out of this. We seem to be obsessed with all the ways in which different religions DISagree with each other. But, I ain't no scientist or nuthin', but I bet if we were to do a pie chart and power point presentation, we would find that the religions of the world have MORE stuff in common than not.

So, I say, TIS THE SEASON to look at the similarities!

Let's go back to decorating, for instance. The Catholics can really tear up a Cathedral ceiling or two. And they really do make a mean fountain. And the protestants, well, I SUPPOSE if you were really into crystal, the you'd agree that the crystal cathedral is beautiful. (I guess)(if you're into tammy faye)(and you used to watch a lot of Dynasty)

Now, the buddhists can REALLY decorate a garden. And what is more beautiful than the decorated Pagan Christmas tree? And the Jews?

ummm....

welllll...

Okay, not so much. But they have REALLY good deli food!! SO, that counts.

See how much we can appreciate stuff from ALL religions?! (except those crazy Scientology freaks! I mean, ALIENS? REALLY?)

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

There is just NOTHING, I mean NOTHING that puts me in better holiday spirits than when I walk out of the grocery store after working AND taking a neurotic spin class only to have some crazy perky hippie yell at me"DO you have a moment for starving abused orphaned children?!?!?!"

Because, NO. NO I DO NOT. Real Housewives is starting and my Tivo is on the fritz.

I've also been accosted with "DO YOU CARE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT ENOUGH TO STOP FOR 2 SECONDS?"

Again. Nope.

I ALWAYS feel bad. And then I get pissed. Because these people are multiplying like rabbits! And I swear, they're always in front of places that are totally frivolous, and i am walking into or out of said place. Like the nail salon or starbucks or Nordstrom, inevitably with my arms heavily laden with bags. THEN you feel like a real asshole, when you're loaded up with bling and you're all "NO! I don't care about abandoned baby whales!"

Whatever happened to the humble little guy who rang a bell with a bucket? Where is he? I haven't seen a bell ringer all season. I HAVE however, seen MANY a REI/Birkenstock/wool sock/olive-earth toned clad 20 yr old, making me feel bad.

Add to this that my cable box in my bedroom is broken and it makes for a non-festive me.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Ummmm. Is there a REASON? A REAL REASON? For women to stand in the gym locker room with a towel around their waist covering their girly bits BUT naked from the waist up?! REALLY? You need to blow dry your hair with Gagney and Lacey hanging around? While you style your bangs? Would a bra REALLY be so stifling? I mean COME ON! You're not a hippie feminist when you go to the most expensive meat market gym in all of So Cal. And Heads up...it's the LADIES LOCKER ROOM. We don't care. We don't wanna see your BOOB JOB bouncing around while you flat iron your extensions. It makes getting to the bathroom stalls a mine field. I just don't GET it. I just wanna know why? And you don't seem to be in any hurry. You guys MEANDER around.

I hate the gym. It's the devil's lair. THIS is what happens in purgatory. I'm sure of it. It's a fiery pit treadmills, trainers, and naked boob jobs. I'd think twice about 'bearing false witness' and 'honoring thy mother and father' from now on. HEED MY WARNING!

Friday, December 11, 2009

I just ate dinner at a French restaurant. WHY aren't the French super fat? WHY?!? I have been on the starvation diet* (patent pending) for 7 weeks and 3 days....but who's counting? I think we ordered just about everything on the menu. You think I'm exaggerating? We took that place down faster than Jean Val Jean can steal a loaf of bread! Voila!

Speaking of bread..OH THE BREAD THERE!!! It was all like pretty leaves, and...and...it came with the best butter in the history of all butters and it was SOFT, not all hard...

I have to go pass out now. WIne was involved too. Besides. I have to REdecorate my house tomorrow....SOMEone decided to buy fancy new LED lights for the outside trees...And now Scully and Mulder are staking the place.

I'm thinking it's less "born in a manger" and more "delivered by aliens into the manger"

Suddenly there will be no more trips to the dentist where he's all "do you floss everyday?" and you're all YAH! for SURE! EVERYDAY! And then he cleans your teeth and you bleed like an extra on Law & order. Cuz you WILL floss with this! (PS...now you know my secret to the starvation diet. I have the truffle and chili fries version too!)

Also? This is a NECESSITY in SOME households. I'll use it as a GUIDE when I go home for Christmas. THIS one is called "the poof." Be careful relatives...I'm on to you!

WHAT the heck is better than....GINGERBREAD YOGA FATTY'S!(I'm pretty sure this is EXACTLY what I look like when I do yoga.)(ps. I think the warrior 1 gingerbread man is a little light in the loafers if you know what I mean)(pps. NOT that that's bad. Gay Gingers have their rights too!)(although a TRUE gingerbread nellie would NEVER sport a pot-belly like that)Anyway... This site also has the cutest mini gingerbread houses. Most of you guys are pretty crafty...so this is more of an idea for you to make yourself. I, however would have to BUY them, else mine would be more of a mini gingerbread crack house in need of an EXTREME home mini-makeover.

For your inner stepford wife. You can wear this while you make your mini gingerbread houses....APRON

For the Middle Eastern/American in your life? I just NEVER know what to get them. UNTIL NOWHmmmm....baseball cap? Turban? baseball cap. turban. Which to chose??? WAIT! I know!

I think this is the BEST idea. Also just fun. Now, if only they'd have a Sharipe monthly delivery! Oh well, we'll just have to useCOLORED PENCIL DELIVERY for now.

And for the writer in your life? (And by "writer" I mean like, "writing" the grocery list) WHo wouldn't want a SPACE PEN? WHO?! This pen was invented for NASA. It writes upside down, under water, over grease, in freezing cold, boiling heat, and in outer space! Gives your to-do list more TA-DA! (hahaha! I made that up. God I'm good)

Have a coffee lover in your life? Tired of giving them a mug? (cuz let me tell you they're tired of GETTING mugs)(I've heard) Now, THIS PRESENT would go even better with a brand new espresso machine plugged into it! It may be illegal to talk on your cell in the car...but It's not illegal to make espresso! HA!

Ah. Remember how we used to ride our bikes around the gated communityhood with a giant boombox on the handlebars, blaring New Kids or Morrisey? Well, NOW there's THIS And JUST as loud!! And don't worry you older readers, I'm SURE it fits nicely on a hov-a-round or a walker.

LOVE this product. For when you want to frame someone you LOVE....without the commitment. I mean, you never know when hubby's gonna forget your ben & Jerry's one night. It's a nice reminder that he is but a mere thumbtack away from extinction!

Ever cooking, say, spaghetti and you're all "I just WISH I had some fresh basil!" Well wish no more my friends. The answer is right at the tip of your fingers....or forehead. Gives a whole new meaning to "hanging plant."

We're all headed here anyway...so may as well get the lovely single girl in your life one to start her off. (THANK GOD they don't make a "crazy dog lady" one. phew!)

These are SUPER fun for decorating. My favorite is the "faux China" but I spent MANY hours on this site going through them all. I especially LOVE this site because it gives me ideas so I can pester my "vinyl machine owning" friends to replicate! (Dede...I'm looking at you)

Lookin' to Spice things up in the kitchen? Get it? spice? SPICE? chuck chuck. K, fine. I would get all excited about these. Just FIND me a lady who doesn't love a good jar/lid combo!

And here is some HOPE-IN-A-JAR! It could only be made better if it came with a side of nutella...hmmmmm...

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Ok. Ok. I am here. I deeply apologize to all of my fans and followers and worshippers for being gone for so long. I mean, people have been in an UPROAR about this. Sending me FB messages, texts, threatening emails...begging me, pleading with me, screaming at me to write a post!!

OR

maybe one person commented "where are you?"

Either way. I'm HEEEEEEEEEre.

It's VERY difficult to write anything when you are starving. See, the starvation diet, though VERY successful, doesn't bode well for writing. Why? because it's a full-time job! I have been doing nothing else but my starvation diet and working out. ANd then when I get home I am too weak/tired to do ANYTHING but watch The City and The Hills. Seriously, I have to take supplements just to get through the thought provoking 'Gossip Girl.'

Oh, and when I go to post and I have to re-sign in? oh no. I just don't have the energy to type my entire username and password. THAT would require at least 100 more calories per day.

So, today? I had an extra shot of espresso and two, yes TWO slices of toast. So I am ALL amped up and ready to write!

So let's back this truck up!, shall we?

PREQUEL to Thanksgiving

I figured out the secret to life this week. Seriously. Pull up a chair, put your feet up, get your bi-focals and TAKE NOTES....This is guaranteed to CHANGE.YOUR.LIFE.

If you're anything like me, you TOTALLY roll your eyes in complete disgust/mystery when you hear people saying crazy stuff like "I'm running the turkey trot!" on Thanksgiving morning. Or, "I'll be right over for dinner AFTER I run the 2,000k triathalon this morning! Gotta work up an appetite!!"

I usually want to scalp these people, as I'm sure our indian ancestors would have done.

AND VERILY IT CAME TO PASS....

THIS year I decided I would do a spin class TG morning. A 50 minute hard class with my ONLY favorite teacher. Had he not been teaching I would NEVER had entertained such a hideous plan. The plan WAS I would go to this 9am class and be home a little after 10, cook some, set the table, clean the house, etc.

Ever heard the phrase "wanna make God laugh? Make plans."

Pre-prequel: fellow fitness instructors are NOT allowed to take classes that are full. And this spin class was FULL. You sign up 26 hrs in advance and it is usually full in seconds, which often means that people have to set their alarms at 4 am the PREVIOUS day just to wake up and sign up for a spin class. (spin people have serious issues)(but not me!) But the instructor became the man he is from coming to MY classes, so he said he would sneak me in. I wore a hat and sunglasses and everything. Over the top? perhaps. But look who DIDN'T get fired!

Back to the main story...(and I use the term story very VERY loosely here)I'm all up on my bike, incognito, minding my own business when I hear the instructor-previously-known-as-my-friend say "OKAY FOLKS! BLAH BLAH BLAH INSPIRATIONAL TALK BLAH BLAH.......NINETY MINUTES!"

Say wha?

My head spins around to see if anyone ELSE is confused. They are. Panicked. We all look around as he maniacally laughs, as he says, drunken with power, "Yah! That's right. NINE. O. And if you aren't staying that long please leave because there are people here waiting for a bike!"

SO. NO one left. AND, I was trapped. I certainly couldn't leave because the guy is my friend and he risked his JOB for me.

How do I find myself in these situations? HOW?

And HERE my friends, the story comes full circle. Because THIS is what will forever change your holidays as you know it.

The spin class? PURE brilliance. Sure, I couldn't walk. BUT, I got out of any and ALL cooking. AND My friends were so impressed/guilty that they were all "NO...you sit down. What do you want to drink. We'll bring the food out. Just sit." And "NO, we'll do the clean-up...you've done enough!"

NOW I know why people do Turkey Trots and marathons and what-not on holidays. I will no longer snicker behind their backs and roll my eyes and call them psychotic exercise-a-holic idiots on my blog. I will now just wink in conspiracy because I KNOW. I KNOW YOUR TRICK!

Here is something ELSE I don't love. I took yoga at a new studio. In the middle of class I smelled baking. Pastry smells. Cookies. And it got stronger and stronger. I was DYING. When I got outside I looked around. Let me tell you the line-up.

Monday, November 16, 2009

quote of the day: "Money is a girl's best friend. And I love my friends." -Real Housewives of OC

I have started about 5 posts this week. But never finished any. Why? Well, let me give you the blogger's top 10 list of reasons (Bloggers LOVE LOVE LOVE to list things!)

10. I have been bitter and angry about the release of the Starbucks Christmas RED cup. WHich is SUPPOSED TO BE RED. But for SOME reason they changed it this year!!! WHY?! WHY?!?!? DId SANTA ever change his suit from red to DARK MAUVE?!?! MAUVE! I bet Baby Jesus is MAD too. I mean, after ALL THESE YEARS of celebrating his Bday you think he'd just go and be all...."THIS year it's gonna be PLATINUM, Frankincense and Myhrr. And next year we may just eliminate Myhrr all together." Thanks for ruining Christmas, Starbucks!

9. I have been on a starvation/workout plan. This makes me dizzy and weak and unable to type coherent sentences. This is me eating my Lunch.

8. I WENT TO KITTYCON on THURSDAY!!! A Hello Kitty 35 yr Anniversary Exhibit.I SWORE I wouldn't buy ANYTHING...BUT...When it comes to something like, collecting valuable artwork? wellllllll, it doesn't make SENSE NOT to, you know, INVEST.(I could only afford 4...SO I got Prince, Elton, Boy George, and Elvis)(I mean....how could I NOT!?!?!?)(And I may or may not have purchased this watch) (what? I'm saving A LOT of money on NOT eating mass amounts of junk food)

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

This is a DEEP meaningful, ne RELIGIOUS message. Mick has spent the last two months chasing Linus around the house. Now, he is SO desperate to play with SOMEthing, he and Linus have "found" each other. They have crossed the cultural and racial lines to come together as ONE. I think we could ALL learn from their wise lesson. Can't we all just get along? YES. YES WE CAN!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

VERY GAY Black Dude: "the craziest experience I had with a racial bias was, a old white woman clutched her purse when I walked by and CLEARLY nothin' about me says 'GIRL I'm gonna beat you over your head and take your coin.

This was the dress I got for my high school reunion a couple weeks ago.THE DRESS. I thought it was SO cute and I wore them with brown tights and brown suede crippling heels.

yah. I still got it!...

Until I saw the pics that someone posted on FB. Which now that we're on the subject. I think it should be ILLEGAL to tag someone's picture w/o prior approval! It was like, THE WORST picture, forever emblazoned on FB. (note the fantastic sam's ponytail)

I was disgusted. I didn't look like uber-cute Michael Kors runway ready fashion superstar (that was the look I was going for)

Unfortunately I was less Heidi Klum, more Nell Carter.

Anyway, now I am on a vigorous exercise routine...

...which has left me exhausted and spent at the end of the day.

I have been to some sort of yoga/work out class every single day for a whole week. I used to do this ALL.THE.TIME when I lived in NY. Voluntarily. As in, it wasn't even an option. It's just what I did. Voluntarily.

This Week? NOT voluntarily. How can that be? you say. Because I went to my shrinky last week in hopes of a new drug to 'make it all better.' (it's what we do in LA)(like massages and pedicures) And he looked at me and said "you have to go to yoga. TONIGHT. And everyday until you come back again. See you next week. That'll be $200"

Friday, October 23, 2009

My clients cancelled today. SO I threw the dogs in the car and went to the beach. It was truly the most perfect day. Waves were big, breeze was nice. I guess LA has some good stuff to offer every now and then. It SORTA makes up for the whole "no fall" thing. sorta.

Mick likes to dig holes the full size of his body. Which is why he's never allowed in the backyard.

(I love just barely seeing their little heads while they surf the waves)

Monday, October 19, 2009

ACK! Wha...wha...WHAT the sam hell are you wearin'? I don't even know what you're supposed to be young lady, but alls I DO know is that THAT is no lady!! What did you say? You're a Vampire Stripper Cheerleader??? ACK!

I tell you what Little O, back in MY day we didn't look like no Vampy Ho. Back in MY day things were simpler. You went to the grocery store and bought a BOX. (oh! to be Boss Hog again!)

And they were all stacked high in the store and we waited and waited until they came out and then we RAN to get our most treasured costume. AND in that box was ONE plastic mask and string with big holes so we could see how to steal candy from the younger kids. AND one big plastic smock/suit that you just put on all simple and easy like.

Now, you HAD to get to the store FIRST THING so you could get the GOOD stuff. The best part little O? Was that you could pick ANY costume, boy or girl, as long as it was IN. And as you know, GrammyBitch was ALWAYS IN.

You didn't wanna be the kid who got their costume too late and had to pick from the "leftovers"....

Like you WANTED to be Donny or Marie Osmond, but then got stuck with

You wanted Scooby or even Shaggy....but...

Or worse yet, getting stuck with a GAME piece as a costume.

Getting the B list stars was pretty pathetic too. Oh the poor soul who had to be Nicholas Bradford :(

Guess they ran out of "gopher"

Or this...I guess maybe getting the "horseshack" costume coulda been worse....nah...this one is worse.

Now for the kids that got to the store like, the day before halloween were in REAL trouble...

I mean who even wanted to be The guy from the Electric Company? tragic. just tragic.

And last but not least, I'm not sure WHO bought this one for their little boy.NOT that there's ANYTHING wrong with being a gay biker.

Now, of COURSE GrammyBitch never had a costume faux-pas.(see my finger in my mouth? I actually REMEMBER testing out the mouth hole to see if candy would fit through there. Some things never change)

Little O, do you see how back in my day we also gave out HOMEMADE treats? Caramel apples! popcorn balls! cookies! The loser houses gave out SINGLE unwrapped marshmallows, whole apples, and pennies taped to a piece of scotch tape and hard candy leftover from last year's Christmas or raisins. Sigh. The good ole days before the razor scare of the 80's.

Sure, our costumes never made it past house #5, but STILL, we had it good. OH so good.

Now remember Little O, GrammyBitch gets to "inspect" your candy, and take out all the um, stuff that's suspicious.