When a doubtful Tangerine is chosen to be the school's new hall monitor, her cousin Babs and their new friend Featherweight help her to try and overcome her insecurities. Will it work and will it be for the better?

After Pinkie Pie discovers her true meaning in the world, she decides to leave the rock farm in search of a better life. But sometimes saying goodbye to the life you're leaving behind is harder than beginning a new one.

When strange ponies from another world suddenly pony-nap all her friends, Pinkie Pie must find a way to defeat their master all on her own. Blamed for the crime herself, she has no help from Celestia and just about every pony in Ponyville is convinced that she's finally cracked. Who can she possibly find to fill in for the other Elements of Harmony, and help her defeat the ancient evil behind it all?

This story occurs after Discord is defeated but prior to the rest of season 2. Story is featured on Equestria Daily and is now officially a 'six star' rated story! Full size image can also be found there.

A tiny bit clumsy once or twice, but still, snappy, and interesting, and I was really impressed at how you seem to be managing to steer the growing chaotic vortex o.O Not to mention I really want to see where this goes.

3327I poked about at the part that you are talking about, as well as went through and corrected a bunch of stuff based on your advice during IM. Thanks a lot for the feedback

3224I'll be detailing things that happened after their arrival at the enemy base in chapter four. It'll be a great way to drag out the chapter three cliffhanger.

3212Well the G1 ponies could not likely beat their G4 counterparts under fair terms; they only did so well in the first chapter due to having the advantage of surprise. It was sort of ironic which of them didn't get the advantage of surprise...

This story is made of awesome!The G1 ponies (except Posey) are utter bastards, with Surprise being ax crazy to the extreme.Pinkie knowing exactly who Surprise is and screaming at her to go back to the 80s!Blinkie as a mad bomber, Inkie with Ryoga's breaking point touch.Trixie powering her teleport spell with the energy of an exploding goddess.It's the Pie sisters plus Gilda, Derpy, and Trixie vs. the world.Words fail..

Very nice story. I love the way that you charicterized Pinkie's sisters. Can't wait for more! p.s. is it just me, or is the story going to turn out with all the non mane six characters discovering their own element?

Exploding Goddess?I had assumed that Celestia survived that part, being you know, a Goddess and all.If she actually ended up dying I'm going to be a sad brony. Also a slightly ticked off one. It should take WAY more than a couple lucky smacks and a stick of dynamite to kill off Celestia.

Hmm... constructive criticisms? I noticed a few spelling mistakes, nothing that couldn't be solved from another once over. A little bit more details about the settings and details would be helpful. Does the ancient castle smell musty or like pine trees? Do their hoofs echo through the empty hallways? That kind of thing. That's the only things I can think of at the moment.

I envisioned Celestia to be like Dr. Manhattan - able to reform herself from anything. Other alicorns, too - thus the whole banishment thing.

3467 I really do, and I'm sad that it hasn't been as good as it could be. Since I'm way ahead for PonyWriMo, I may take a few days to edit what I have before pushing forward. I just wanted to get this most recent chapter up first.

3478 Some of that is a result of just doing it so fast, I think. I was going fast to finish 50,000 words in a month for the PonyWriMo thing, but I think I went too fast. If anypony would like to offer their editing skills, I would be grateful. Otherwise, I'll be going over it within the next few days.

And that's an amusing comparison. In my own head-canon, Celestia and Luna are members of another older race who arrived to create life in their own image on a new planet. Either way, you'll like the end of chapter five.

Oh, I so wouldn't want to be Surprise or Firefly right about now; they'd be better off chilling with Pinkie Pie and whatever monster Derpy accidentally unleashed than getting a "talking to" from a pissed-off deity.

*Deep inhale* Well, obviously there are a few grammatical issues here and there, but pretty much every story on this site has a few.

The characters that you've introduced/expanded on (Gilda, Trixie, Ditzy, Inkie, Blinkie) seem to be a bit underdeveloped. I mean, we understand what their abilities and motives are, but that seems to be all we've heard about them. Their personalities seem to be incredibly one-dimensional; they feel like they've got one defining trait, and that's about it.

My other suggestion for improvement is your writing style in general. For a lack of a better word, it feels rather choppy, as though you're just jumping from paragraph to paragraph. It's quite clear what's going on, but reading it (at least to me) just feels awkward, like you're moving through the plot way too fast. It might be a good idea to slow things down a bit.

Okay, good stuff:

You've set up a fairly decent story, with good conflict and interesting (If underdeveloped) characters. I want to know how this story ends, so you've definitely grabbed my interest.

I can't really comment yay or nay on the plot, since the story isn't finished yet. As it stands now, however, I think that you've done an alright job explaining what's going on. It's fairly obvious who the good guys and bad guys are, you don't have a lot of loose ends lying around, and it looks like you're going to get everything wrapped up.

Most, if not all, of the suggestions I listed above can be explained by the fact that you apparently wrote this story in a month. If the whole story is actually 50,000 words long, then I'm not surprised it's not perfect; that's quite an astounding feat of writing.

So... yeah. That's about all I've got for now. Hope it helps. Looking forward to the next chapter.

WIth Gilda, Trixie, etc, I am going to try to develop each of them a bit more. However, I'm going to be limited in how much I can do so since this is only one fanfic; I won't be able to develop them to the point that the mane6 have already been developed over the course of 26 episodes. I mean I can toss Rainbow Dash out there with no description at all because everyone knows who she is, but with Blinkie I'm starting from near-nothing.

I do have a bit more development in mind for Gilda and Trixie. Derpy, Blinkie, and Inkie are more difficult in that they have nothing to base their depth on, thus I have to start from scratch with building them up and may not have time to take them deeper. The roleplayed characters I'm basing them on have a lot of depth, but most of it (like their families, business, and relationships they've formed with other characters in roleplay) are not relevant to a 10 or so chapter fanfic where they have just arrived at Ponyville.

I realize that it might be a bit choppy, but do you have any specific example for that? Like could you take a short paragraph and tell me how it might be made not choppy? That might help me understand more specifically, though I think I understand generally.

You are correct, though. Most of that is because this is a PonyWriMo entry. What you've read so far (over 22,000 words) was in fact written in only ~five~ days, so I'm quite proud that it's gotten 4.5 stars. I've gotten so far ahead at this point, that I'm going to give it another run through before proceeding, but could really use some proofreader/editor volunteers if you wanted to do so. I think it seems rushed because it IS rushed, but at the same time I'm not sure how or if I should slow it down. I'm afraid of moving too far in another direction. Are their any particular scenes that you felt were rushed or needed development?

Again, I really do appreciate the comment and am trying to respond in such a way as to elicit more detailed comments :p

The re-write is over. I didn't try to cater to every single opinion, but did smooth things out a bit. Namely, the G1 ponies now act like G1 ponies (which yes, in some cases is not very different at all from their G4 counterparts), but not so obscure that people who haven't seen G1 would be confused. More detail has been put into what made the villain do what they are doing (though this won't be clear by the end of chapter five), and it's worth re-reading because some bits have changed in ways that will seriously affect later chapters.

Please let me know how it looks or for minor errors or obvious continuity errors that I missed. I'll be tweaking chapter six and should be able to post at the least one chapter a week now.