Writer, Lover, Misfit

He Doesn’t Want What You Want

Men and women have undeniable similarities in what they want out of life, love and relationships, but how they find and express these desires is very different. It is my belief that men and women seek a deeply intimate and passionate relationship with a partner. We want to be with someone who both challenges and comforts us, who supports and encourages us, and also someone who knows when to rein us in, sit us down and remind us to take a break.

When it comes to relationships, communication is one place were we are on different paths. Not our verbal communication or even our non-verbal communication-- where we miss the mark is how we interpret what the other is communicating.

So if we get past the basic assumption that we want an intimate connection, the similarities end. He doesn't want what you want. The way you want to be loved, as a woman, frankly, might piss him off and vice versa.

Matthew 7:12 says, "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." Now this is obviously great advice and at its core (respect, forgiveness, love) it is true for all. But as it relates to daily interactions, it is no good for passion. It is appropriate for how we treat strangers, acquaintances, friends and family but really leads us astray with our romantic partners because the way we want to be treated as women in a relationship, is not how our man wants to be treated.

Time and again, women push men away by treating him how she wants to be treated, not how he wants to be treated. Men don't want to be treated the way you do. Men want to be treated like a man.

For example, a man wants to chase you, not be chased. He wants to work to earn your admiration and love. He wants to know that when he catches you, he has caught someone special who will keep challenging him. Women, on the other hand, love to be chased, to be won over! We love compliments and presents and to be showered with affection and attention. We love surprises and special moments that stand out from the routine. As soon as you turn that around and start chasing a man he will run away from you faster than you ever thought possible!

The problem is that when you think he wants to be treated how you do and then act on it, you smother his masculine energy instead of stoking it. You evoke his feminine side (we all carry both to different degrees) and it makes him feel terrible! He does not want to be soft or feminine. It is not congruent with his nature and it literally makes him feel ill at ease. If you continue to do this, he will (rightly so!) associate this feeling with you and will not want to be around you. He will resent your presence because you make him feel unsettled. He's a man. Treat him like a man. You be the woman and let him treat you like a woman.

For example, women love when men help us. It makes us feel like he is looking out for us, contributing and providing, even if it is not financial, it is a way he shows he cares. We recognize it as exactly that, an expression of his affection for us.

Men hate it when women try to help them. If he hasn't asked for help, don't bring it up. And never just jump in and do it without asking! As much as you would love if he'd take your car to get the tires rotated, he does not want that from you. He doesn't need it or want it from you. Offering to help when we haven't been asked, to a man feels like we are mothering him, or expressing disapproval in his work, or that we think he can't do it. He wants to do it by himself. If he needs your help, he'll ask, but he's going to do everything not to need your help because that makes him feel emasculated. In most cases with a task that is not a family decision, he'd rather go to a buddy or professional than to ask his woman to help. He is doing it to save you from doing it. Your offer to help comes across to him as disrespectful and insensitive.

It's the same behavior: offering help, but to women it's a sign of affection and interest and to men it's an insulting affront to his masculinity.

The thing I like about this post is that Kitten hits the nail so completely on the head. Relations are so messed up. Men don’t expect women to do man stuff, but men are expected to do women stuff. There are socio-economic reasons, but still. You end up with a hell of a lot of confusion and resentment, fair or not.