Thursday, December 10, 2009

I was looking through some old Facebook pictures today of the summer with my friends, middle school, and all of the silly things that we used to do and have so much fun together. Some I laughed aloud when I saw, some I remembered, and some made me really sad inside.

We were so carefree, whether it be making a human pyramid at Laird Park, jumping off of my roof, running around in the snow for no reason, or even pretending like we were photographers AND models (that's embarrassing). We were so happy, and accepting of each other. We were our group, our names woven together as one, despite our many differences. Silly notes were passed, ridiculous hand shakes were made, and man, the inside jokes were endless... Together we watched Pam finally fall for Jim, we poured so much of ourselves into the dreadful Clayton Middle School plays, we awkwardly giggled about Emma's first endeavours with boys (and her not being able to admit she was gorgeous) we laughed together at our own stupidity... You guys were my all. Confidants. Friends. We did everything together, each from different backgrounds, each with different likes and dislikes. An orchestra of personalities, making a symphony of music. We all watched eachother's backs.

Dear hannah. Well lets just say, indeed. P.S. i like the new backround.

Dear Gracie being blamed the bad guy? I know you dont really hang out with "the group" any more, and i know that "the group" is going through a rough patch. But really? Are you honestly THAT concieted that you think that just because you ignored a few text messeges and bailed on us a few times that the whole "group" fell into chaos and catasthrophe! Really its not your fault. That whole thing sounded a big meaner than i ment it to, but just dont think that you have THAT much inffluence on us.

P.S.....That being said. There really isnt THAAT much wrong. I mean, there is no reason that we cant still have fun together. Gracie i think we all still love you. I dont think there is anything wrong with you hanging out with us SOMETIMES. only if you want to, but dont think that you have to hang out with us ALL the time or NEVER. I shouldnt be like that.

ok, well, i am not that conceited. i am not saying that the group "fell apart" because i left. i had nothing to do with it, except all i ever hear and go through is you guys judging me. i was PUSHED out.i'm not saying i iinfluence you that much or that anyone cares i'm gone. i'm just saying you forced me out, so stop blaming me for "leavng with no explanation"

yet again hollberg, you astonish me with your writing skills. I hate Clayton, but i wish i could go back, maybe just for a day, to get the feeling of what it used to be.

Nevertheless, live is still fabulously dumb. And i wouldn't want it any different. Yes, i miss the used-to-be's...but i would be so different without the bad parts. The "bad Patches" are what shape us, not the good ones.Self pity isnt a good way to go throug life, neither is reminising. But that doesnt stop a part of your soul wanting what's behind us.

From the way i see it, nobody is to really BLAME. nobody pushed anybody out. Falling outs happen, and there's really nothing that can be done if both "sides" (for lack of a better term) don't agree, don't make an effort to stay one side. Not that we have to, if that's what we want. We're not in warfare, although we are living something similar to it, so let's take a deep breath and look at it from the greener side. At least we're not all dead. That's a plus. And at least our arms are open to one another, and we're all within reach of second chances, and we're not dying of horrible diseases.

there are so many more good things we can focus on instead of the bad. Maybe if we see those, we wont feel like we're drowning in a muddy lake. maybe we'll find that bubble of clean water, within all the muck. I'm not judgmental, i'm not a hater. I'm not trying to sound critical, aweful, or mean. i just CARE. that's all. Really. I love you, whoever you are reading this. and i hope we can really talk and see one another for who we aim to be, not who we appear to be now.

First off, Hey you! you with the previous comment. Stop trying to steal my identity!!! Are you that uncreative that you couldnt even come up with your own alius! ....no offense...i suppose in some demention it could be concieved as an honest mistake. haha sorry. I agree with your comment though. Response to grace,ok mabye that was a little harsh. I now know you werent TRYING to sound arrogent and concieded. However the message sort of remains...Anyways i think we are all in the midst of a great misunderstanding. Grace...i dont think anyone wanted to 'push' you out. Im sorry you feel that way. I think you were, still are, and still can be a great friend. People make mistakes. In the light being shocked, disapointed, or saddend by friends it's easy to say things you dont mean...or things you do mean but should keep to yourself. Hey lets just say it. SHIT HAPPENS. Now, i dont think anyone would be opposed to the idea of us all being friends again?Sometimes you just gotta put your past behind you. So lets accept eachother for who we are, flaws and all, and let the good times roll.

ok so i'm a tad confused on all that's going on and being a thousand miles away what can i really do but you guys it breaks my heart that things seem to have shattered. i know there was so much more i could have done to help stuff but i was lazy and selfish and then at the end, i just didn't care. i figured if we were all going to be clashing like that there was no avoiding it. why did we stop talking to each other? why did we lie? everyone does it, even in the best and strongest of friendships, but why when we tried to confront the problems did people just put up a bigger wall? i don't know who is going to read this. i don't know if it will change anything at all between any of us. but i can only hope. so to those of you who do find this, PLEASE i beg of you try to find it in yourself to not blame all the others for what you think they did, and not blame yourself for what you did or didn't do, just let go. because if we all really care about each other, if we all really want it to work out, we will forgive and forget about it. maybe not forget and pretend it never happened, but not hold it against each other. because that's what friendship really is, the love between people who are able to forgive and keep moving. i love you all. i don't know what its going to be like when i see you again in june, but i really hope with all my soul we can find it in us to forgive, to keep loving, and to keep living