Category: Sarcasm-osity

“Relax, it was just a sea cucumber.”
“Oh, okay. It just felt like the inside of an eclair got loose and went for a dip. It’s fine. I’m glad we’re here.”Pete Holmes explaining why he doesn’t like wading into the ocean

“Let’s get right to the point: someday you will die. Maybe you’ll sacrifice yourself to save a bus full of nuns, or die bringing food to starving children in a war zone, or pass away at the age of 90, surrounded by an enormous, loving family and all your Nobel prizes. More likely, though, you will get unceremoniously creamed by a fire truck because you couldn’t hear its sirens over ‘How Will I Know.'”Gawker