7 thoughts on “You swore you wouldn’t be this way..”

Abuse. My father was very verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, and a bit physically abusive. I swore I’d never be like that. But I find myself yelling at my kids when a sweet reminder would work better. I find myself punishing them physically when I shouldn’t. I’m terrified that I’m going to ruin my kids’ childhoods and lives if I can’t get my act together.

I tune my kids out when I get overwhelmed. I’ll go into the computer room and let them play, but I don’t give them the one-on-one attention they should get, sometimes I realize I’m doing it and sometimes I don’t. My parents did this a lot and I always wanted more time with them, but they always seemed pretty preoccupied and I don’t want my kids to feel that way.

I’m probably worse than all of you. I had so much love for my son throughout his infancy. Then he grew up and was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. He is still in diapers at 4 years old, which has just pushed me over the edge. He has around 10 accidents a day and I can’t believe I find myself so fed up and yelling dummy and retard at my own son! I am so ashamed, I have never lost my temper like that with anyone but my own son who I love more than anything. I turned from a doting over-protective mom into a momster.

I am so tired I’m holding my tears in. My son is 8 months old and since the day he was born I’ve had no help. I have a man he has 5 kids from a previous marriage who are all in their teen years and ones 18 and it’s a burden for them to hold him or play for 15 minutes. They all live with us because their mother is an alcoholic.
It’s been just me with my son 24/7 I hardly sleep because of my mind and I’ve been taking meds to help but my anger has come back in full swing. My son is constantly whining over every little thing. I take him and soothe him when he does that because he’s my son and I love him so much. I’m so tired I wish I could sleep for a few days but it’s hard for me to fall asleep and by the time I fall asleep my son wakes up. He hasn’t slept through the night at all and when he’s wakes up to eat I’m up and frustrated because I can’t sleep. My mind is constantly thinking negative thoughts and I’m beginning to resent my man, his children, and my son who I’ve done everything for. I’m cleaning, cooking, laundry, and taking care of my baby 24/7 without help. Today I lost my shit after trying to put my son to sleep and yelled at him. I’ve had 4 hours of sleep the past two days and it’s not an excuse. I just don’t know what to do.

Left my daughter in the car by mistake. I never thought it would happen to me. She’s 2 and NOT my first child. I have 5 older boys and my baby girl. I have never forgotten a child in the car and always thought so ill of anyone who did. Always insisted it was “on purpose” if they did. I mean- how can you “accidentally forget” your precious little baby is in the car with you? You just can’t!! Right? Well I did. It happened 2 months ago and it still makes my stomach turn! I don’t even know what happened, to be honest. It was like any normal trip to the dollar store. My 10 year old and I were carrying on a conversation and my daughter fell asleep in her car seat. Then I just forgot her in the car. Sadly, another woman pulled in right next to me as we were getting out of the car. I was in the store for about 5 minutes when I realized my mistake. I abandoned my cart and ran out screaming with my 10 year old. The other woman, maybe in her late 30’s was headed into the store, then she turned around to follow me to my car. She said she didn’t know what to do so she just waited for me to return, when I didn’t come back after a few minutes she just needed to go do her shopping and that the weather was nice so she was sure the baby would be okay, she didn’t want to wake her, she thought maybe I had done the same- left in her in the car so I wouldn’t have to wake her, etc. What?! She should have called the cops, or broken my window!!! That’s what I would have done in her position! At the VERY LEAST she could have gone in and looked for me, or even just called the store and asked them to make an announcement over the speaker! Anything but stand there! Once I got my car opened I pulled my daughter out- I was in tears and holding her in comfort, telling her I was sorry and that I loved her. She didn’t even know what was happening- she’d been asleep and had no idea she was all alone, in danger of being taken, or of my car being hit by another in the parking lot, or a meteor striking the car! What kid of mother am I?! Ladies, I pay for my gas at the pump so I don’t have to upset my kids with getting in and out of car seats. If I need to go in, they go with me, every single time! I would never leave a child in the car on purpose that isn’t old enough to know what to do in emergency situations and old enough to know how to call me or 911. We keep an emergency phone in the car in case mine is ever lost, or broken or whatever an emergency phone may be needed for. I hate myself for what I did. How could I not? I feel like I should be sharing this openly, but honestly I just can’t handle the criticism I know I’d face (because I’ve been guilty of it). So in reality, all of my “It could never happen to me”… It’s possible. It can happen to anyone. I can’t even excuse it. Sleep deprivation? Well yeah, but I’ve been sleep deprived for like 12 years now and never forgot a child. Distracted? Of course! But I have 6 kids, so that’s pretty much everyday. Intentional? Absolutely not! She’s the greatest little girl I could ever ask for, the spitting image of me, a daddy’s girl, mama’s pride, everyone’s biggest fan, an angel fallen into my arms! I just don’t know what happened that day. Did I really forget her?Did I think she was with her dad? Did I think she was in the store with me? Did karma get me? If you have any ideas what you think it could have been, please share. Constructive criticism is also welcome and appreciated.

adding that my mom would leave us in the car all the time. Sometimes by mistake, sometimes to run an errand. She’d leave us home asleep when she took my dad to work or had a quick run somewhere. I never thought I’d do it, not on purpose and definitely not by mistake