Recovering From Grief Katherine Donnelly And Judith Haimes

RECOVERING FROM GRIEF KATHERINE DONNELLY AND JUDITH HAIMES

August 5, 2002|RECOVERING FROM GRIEF KATHERINE DONNELLY AND JUDITH HAIMES

Dear Katherine and Judith:You don't tip a doctor or a lawyer, so please explain to me why, if a minister receives a salary for his or her job, it is necessary to tip for a funeral service? I am not religious. But when my mother died, my brother wrote a check for $200 and gave it to the minister. That really irritated me.

Dear Reader: Although a fee is not required and should not be asked for, it is customary to make a contribution to the clergyperson in appreciation of his or her services -- for any amount you can afford. From $50 to $150 is quite acceptable. It is nice to send a check, along with a thank-you note, after the funeral, but you may put the donation in an envelope and give it before the services if you wish.

Dear Katherine and Judith: Four years ago, I watched in horror as my 17-year-old daughter, with whom I was riding with at the time, hit and killed a neighbor's 8-year-old child who ran out in front of the car. My daughter was not cited because she was driving 25 miles an hour, and witnesses said the boy darted out without looking.

The family of the child who died suffered a terrible loss, but they were given love and support from family and friends. My daughter had no such support and was despised. Since the accident, she has been in and out of mental hospitals. This girl went from being a straight-A student to a pathetic shell of a child because of her depression over this tragedy. The guilt even drove her to attempt suicide. The parents of the child who died still blame our daughter, saying the boy was always careful crossing the street. Why do they continue to blame her when they allowed an 8-year-old to cross the street?

Dear Reader: You are correct that children under the age of 10 should never be allowed to cross any street without adult supervision. And children must be taught to look both ways and follow traffic signals, only crossing at corners and crosswalks. It appears that the child's parents are using displaced blame and anger to relieve the pain of grief by removing responsibility from themselves. It may be easier for them to accept the death of their child by believing it was someone else's fault.

Write to Katherine and Judith at Pentacle Publications, Suite 3, 10710 Seminole Blvd., Seminole, FL 33778,e-mail them at recovering-grief@juno.com or log on to recovering.netfirms.com.