I feel very welcomed already... It's so nice to know there are people here who actually know what I'm going through, and we can all support each other, It really is relieving..
Well as requested, Here is a little more depth into my illness....

When i was younger, I always thought i was different, It's hard to expain this part, but I just didn't feel I was like all the other kids at school. I was also a bit naughty, sometimes i would get the sudden urge to steal something (little things) Thats under control now... Also (this part is a little embarrassing) I started to masturbate at a very young age, and because I'm a girl, I used to think it was perverted, now I realise this "could" have been the Bipolar..

I'm 21 now, and have been through a hell of a lot of emotional turmoil... from the age of 6 pretty much, Life wasn't great...I'm not sure I'm ready to go into this just yet, but it would be nice to one day let it all out, I never talk about any of this stuff, I'm feeling upset now just thinking about it...

Life started getting better for me when I moved out of my parents home, I now have a wonderful fiance who is very supportive ( but there are still things I can't tell him) We are in love, and want to spend our life together, But...

I'm still very confused..My mood changes all the time, when I'm depressed, I feel so lonely, I cry and cry, I feel sorry for myself, and worthless, I hate how I look, and don't want to leave the house, I don't want to talk to anyone...
When I feel good, I feel very good! I like myself, I think I'm pretty, I want to be in social places....but sometimes have uncontrolable fits of (I'm not sure how else to put this) "movement" I get all silly, and start dancing around making silly noises (a little embarrassing after) I also have done a couple of risky things, sometimes I feel like nothing can hurt me, I'm superwoman.

I'm not always either depressed or happy..Sometimes I feel quite normal...sometimes I feel like both together, Happy and sad, which is sooo confusing when i feel like this I'm snappy, irratated and apologetic..weird...

There are a couple of things that I'm not sure link to Bipolar..... I have a slight OCD tendancy, things like, if the curtains are not straight, I can't be comfortable untill I have sorted them out, or if I see one magpie, I have to say "good morning" to it...small things like that..
And I have an amazingly vivid imagination, I can't control it sometimes...If I think about something horrible, then I say to myself "don't think about this" my mind goes crazy and thinks of it non-stop, there have been times when I've made myself sick just from over thinking about things that are discusting, or not nice.

Sorry to have babbled on a little..It does feel good though. I hope someone can relate to this? Does the borderline OCD relate to Bipolar? And the rapid imagination?
Feel free to ask questions, I would like to help rather than just come here for support....Kimmy

Despite my being a male (perhaps a lesbian trapped in a man's body) ~ I related to most ALL of what you said. Especially how the harder you try the harder it is to get rid of a compulsive thought (which can REALLY intrude on getting to sleep)...

I responded (not simply to further embarrass myself) MOSTLY to make an observation regarding the OCD commentary. And, of course, because any post that mentions masturbation cannot be ignored (just kidding, kind of) ...

My own therapist has "observed" many times, that some OCD is an attempt to "control" our environment (over which we fear a lack of control). I further interpret that, as an attempt to limit the "things" we'll encounter ~ which will suprize us and perhaps "trigger" an unknown emotional response. We're trying our best to keep the course as level as possible.

I know that I try desperately to keep as much as possible "compartmentalized" in my life (like you're saying), particularly regarding "a place for everything and everything in its place".

My last wife was the exact opposite. Car keys. Jar lids. Tools. Clothing. Jewelry. Whatever she touched got left wherever it fell, especially on the floor (with zero recollection on HER part). At least twice a day she'd ask me in demanding tones where her car keys were (as if it was my responsibility to follow her around and know).

It drove me substantially MORE "nuts" than I'd have probably been, otherwise. Even MORE chilling is how she's modelled that for her children AND OUR DAUGHTER, who is with me the vast majority of the time.

Our divorce has been final almost two months, and we've been apart a year.

I'm still wondering when I'm going to cool down from that, as her influence regarding our shared daughter STILL seems to trigger me. She still has a room and a half of "stuff" in my house !!! Despite the court order stating it was all to be out by the end of last August. SOON !!! ??? !!!

And, now I'm contemplating a whole new world of OCD, as I ~ and a I alone ~ get to dictate where every single THING of household possessions gets to be placed !!!! This, after 14 years of a relationship wherein I got to dictate zilch.

And, then I can run-around like a good little OCD, not resting until every little thing is cleaned and back in its place.

Does that make me weird ? Obsessive ? Compulsive ? Within normal limits ? Reactionary ? Angry ? Confused ? Belligerent ? All of the above, with a twist of lemon ? ( I won't even ask about "perverted" )

" BenGone: Are you called Ben? I don't think that makes you weird at all, I would say comfortable! If i were you, I'd get her stuff out of the house, It probably won't be doing you ANY good being there.

Do you find it hard to sleep when something isn't done? When I'm down, I don't care about what's done and what's not, but when I'm manic, I run around the house checking everything is in it's place and tidy. "

~ In answer ~ I've been called Ben, and that's Ben Fine. Thanks. I don't like to think of myself as a "has been"... but's that's WAY off the mark ...

I'm supposed to try to "fire up" my truck this AM. It hasn't been started since last Fall. With it, I hope to get her stuff mostly OUT.

Your last paragraph is RIGHT ON. That is exactly the way(s) I feel !!!