life in death

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Monthly Archives: December 2010

I tell it to you with an opennes of heart that I doubt I shall ever achieve again, so I pray that you are in a quiet room as you hear these words. My secret is that I need God – that I am sick and can no longer make it alone. I need God to help me give, because I no longer seem to be capable of giving; to help me be kind, as I no longer seem capable of kindness; to help me love, as I seem beyond being able to love.

I started this blog back in February 2007. I never had a blog before that. I never was really able to keep a journal. But 6 months into youth pastoring I figured that it would be a fruitful exercise to jot down some thoughts every now and then.

I’ve been through a hell of a lot blogging here. There have been times when I’ve had to stop typing because I was laughing so hard and other times where I could not bring myself to type another word because the tears would not stop flowing.

In many ways this blog documents my birth and death and all of the tom foolery and wandering in the desert in between. Some of what I wrote here was written in the hope that it would somehow benefit others. But a lot of it was written because I could not keep it in; it was written for myself. Some of what I wrote on here was happy-go-lucky while other posts were reluctantly removed at the threat of force (and are now forever lost somewhere). Everything that I wrote was truthful in that it was my honest wrestling with issues (which often is not a safe practice). Perhaps some of the things I wrote in past years did not represent orthodox Christian belief. Perhaps some of it was foolish an egotistical. But that’s all besides the point now.

All in all it was a good ride.

However, I’m a much different person now. I’ve literally experienced a transformation in the last year and feel that I’m no longer the same person who wrote much of what I wrote here. Of course, I am the same person and these things are all honest expressions of myself but I’ve turned a new page. I’ve moved on from a lot of past posts. I like to think I’ve matured a good deal in the past (almost) 4 years since I first started blogging.

And so, as a result, I’m closing the book on an important chapter of my life. I’m not finished writing of course. In the next month or so I hope to start fresh. There will still be the same honesty and openness, the same pursuit of Truth and goodness. But it’s a new chapter.

"...My birth pangs are at hand. Bear with me, my brothers. Do not hinder me from living: do not wish for my death...Allow me to receive the pure light; when I arrive there I shall be a real man." - S. Ignatius on his way to his martyrdom in Rome.