Episode 2: “Inspections for Dummies”

Greaser - Yup. It increases that efficiency of the warp core by 30%. Unfortunately, it also makes the crew high.

Baque - Really now.

They walk up to a replicator.

Greaser - I’ll buy. What do you want?

Baque - I’ll have whatever you’re having.

Greaser - Are you sure?

Baque - Yeah, I like to try new things.

Greaser - Okay... Computer, two glasses of hydrochloric acid.

Zzzzzt.

Baque - Bolian, right. Strong mouth lining. I really should have paid attention during the Federation species course at the Academy.

The two sit down at an empty table. Greaser starts to guzzle her drink while Baque watches his melt through the table. All of a sudden the room starts to shake.

Greaser - Oh, perfect. Bios is f-ing with the inertial dampeners. It’s 06:00 and she’s already causing trouble. Looks like another eventful day in engineering.

Baque - Um, the shaking’s getting worse.

Greaser - Tell the Bridge to drop out of warp.

Baque - We’re not at warp!

Some no-names are crowding around the windows. Greaser and Baque walk over to see what’s going on. They look out and see a massive shockwave moving toward the ship.

Greaser - Holy mother of God!

Baque - S**t s*it sh*t *hit shi*!

WHAM! The mess hall windows shatter and some no-names are sucked out while Baque and Greaser hold onto a bolted down table. The emergency forcefields finally engage. The two officers get up and find that an awful stench has filled the room.

Greaser - Aw, man! Who ordered the Turbolax Surprise?!?

Opening Credits.

Righteous - Space... a dangerous frontier... These are the chronicles of the Warship Celestial. Its continuing mission,... to destroy strange, new worlds... to conquer new life, and hostile civilizations... To boldly fight what no one has fought before. ...Okay Genocide, I said it right. Now put down the phaser.

Scene 2 - Bridge. Baque, Greaser, and Stoner walk on. There are jets of plasma and some no-names are putting out fires on other no-names.

The brown flashing lights turn off and are replaced by the flickering of the cheap dollar store flourescent lights.

Genocide - If you’re kind thinks that you can invade the Alpha Quadrant, think again!

Bob - Can’t a being go for a Sunday fly anymore? Besides, we never had a beef with your species, only the Borg pissed us off.

Center - Then why did you fire on Voyager and then practice for an invasion of Earth?

Bob - Aw all you bipeds look the same. How are we supposed to tell you apart from the Borg?

Genocide - There’s the ship size for one.

Center - The Borg have cybernetic implants.

Righteous - Spiritual enlightenment versus technological perfection.

Bob - All valid points.

Center - Wow sir, those were really big smart sounding words!

Senseless - Sir, put down the dictionary, you’re embarrassing us all.

Righteous - Bob, your engines are damaged and your ship stinks. Would you like us to tow you to the nearest fluidic rift?

Bob - That would help. Oh, wait... ah oh.

Genocide - What?

Bob - The weak shall perish.

Genocide - Huh?

A loud fart sound fills the room.

Senseless - Aw, for crying out loud! All hands, Turbolax Alert!

Scene 6 - Mess hall. Greaser walks up to a replicator.

Greaser - Coffee, gray.

Replicator - Go to hell.

Greaser - Greaser to Bios, could you come take a look at one of the replicators in the mess hall? I think you need to dismantle–

Zzzzzt!

Greaser - Never mind.

Greaser starts drinking as Senseless enters.

Senseless - Okay, ladies and gentlemen, it’s that time of year again.

No-Name #1 - Klingon Idol Finale?

No-Name #2 - Interstellar beer-drinking contest?

Senseless - No.

No-Name #1 - No-name day?

No-Name #2 - My birthday? Wait a tick, that was last year.

Senseless - No!

No-Name #1 - Free cake and ice cream day?

No-Name #2 - Kitty Appreciation Week?

Senseless - NO! NO NO AND NO! It’s inspection time. An admiral is on the way to assess the quality of the ship, and that means we’ve got to clean the Celestial up. Ah, Genocide, here you are.

The two no-names are shooting each other with phasers set on the lowest stun setting.

Senseless - Genocide, show them I mean business.

Genocide vaporizes No-Name #1 and 2. Senseless slaps his face.

Genocide - What!?!

Senseless - Genocide you twit, dead men don’t learn!

Greaser - Commander, do you know which admiral is to inspect us this year?

Senseless - All I know is that it’s a cat.--

He looks down at the smouldering pit that used to be No-Name #2.

Senseless –So yes, you were right, it is Kitty Appreciation Week. On the Celestial anyway.

Genocide - Oh great, Admiral Spot.

Senseless - No, it can’t be her. She’s off inspecting the Saratoga.

Greaser - Which one?

Senseless - All of them, and she’s not too happy about it. Genocide, please try to stop killing the crew for the next few days. I’ll give you unlimited holodeck time or whatever you need.

Greaser - I’ll go purge the plasma ducts.

Genocide - I’ll go test the weapons.

Senseless - And I’ll go lock Righteous in a storage closet for a while.

Scene 7 - Briefing room.

Senseless - Alright. Now that Captain Righteous is off praying we can actually get something done. Bob, the chairs are for sitting on, not eating! Christ. Okay, our reviewing officer is Admiral Nelix. From what I hear he has his head shoved up his ass. I really don’t think that Righteous can face off with someone that intimidating.

He walks onto the bridge. Genocide, Righteous, Center, Baque, and Senseless are also present.

Righteous - Good morning, Admiral. I’m surprised to see you up this early.

Genocide - I’m surprised to see you up at all.

Senseless - I trust you found your quarters satisfactory?

Nelix - Someone welded my door shut. Then the cargo bay doors unexpectedly opened. Luckily I was trying on one of your worthless environmental suits. They’re in good working order. That’s one point for you but the malfunctioning doors are a point against, so you still have zero.

All the senior staff look at Genocide. Baque gives him a thumbs-up behind the Admiral’s back.

Senseless - Now, while Admiral Nelix is still several decks below us, I must inform all of you that Dr. Puker, Lieutenant Tener and I will be taking the Captain’s Yacht and returning Bob to fluidic space.

Tener - Captain’s Yacht! Is there anything this ship doesn’t have?

Baque - Yeah, a captain with even half an IQ point.

Righteous - Now, wait just a minute. The Captain’s Yacht is mine. It’s been customized to my standards.

Senseless - Sir, we need it. We have to return Bob before Admiral Nelix says we’ve been collaborating with the enemy.

Bob walks in through the door. (Literally).

Bob - BIOTCH! Sup ma homies?

Senseless - In the mortal words of Captain Picard, we are not your homies. Why are you here?

Senseless - Then it’s settled. Puker, Tener, and I will take the Captain’s Yacht and–

Righteous - Now wait just another minute. The yacht’s mine. If anyone’s going with Puker and Tener it’s going to be me.

Senseless - Fine then. Captain Righteous will take the slow and weak Captain’s Yacht into the uncharted and dangerous regions of fluidic space to return Bob to a race that has tried to destroy us in the past.

Righteous - Well, I’m glad we all agree.

Baque - Commander, reverse psychology doesn’t work on morons.

Righteous - Bob, Dr. Puker, Lieutenant Tener, let’s go.

Righteous, Bob, Puker and Tener leave. Senseless and the others get up and go to the bridge.

No-Name #7 - Commander, Admiral Nelix wants to be beamed to his quarters.

Baque - Maybe he’ll materialize with his head out of his ass.

Senseless - Have him transported. Ensign Center, what’s the status of the Captain?

Nelix - You idiots completely failed your inspection. However, you did an exemplary job destroying that Borg ship, so, against my better judgement, I’ve decided not to decommission you.

Senseless - Thank you sir. Now, there’s the matter of the stardrive section. Ensign Center, what can we salvage from the wreckage?

Center - Well, where’s some of Captain Righteous’ Orbs–

Senseless - What do we want to salvage?

Righteous - My Orbs! We’re salvaging my Orbs!

A no-name walks in.

No-Name #12 - Sirs, a Sovereign-class starship just dropped out of warp.

Nelix - Ah yes, here’s my ride.

No-Name #12 - Captain, you should be aware that the stardrive of this Sovereign-class ship is identical to the stardrive of the Celestial.

Nelix - Well of course. The USS Bite Me was based partly on the Opaka Class design and... I’m not liking where this is going.

The senior staff look at each other.

Righteous - To the bridge

The officers run out, trampling Admiral Nelix along the way.

Nelix - Hey! Cruelty to animals! I’m calling the SPCA!

Scene 23 - Federation Council Chamber, San Francisco, Earth. Admiral Spot is standing at attention in a room filled with important people.

Federation President - Because of your excellent performance over the years, I am hereby promoting you to the rank of Fleet Admiral, and placing you in charge of Starfleet Command. Congratulations.

The council chamber erupts into applause.

Spot - Thank you, sir. I promise to do my best. Well everyone, I had a hard life as a cat. It got even harder when I was placed in charge of the Ninth Fleet. I was in charge of overseeing several very important starships. The USS Saratoga, USS Citadel, USS Enterprise, USS Celestial, USS Borgbuster, USS Litterbox, USS Weedplant, and the USS Drunk. But I wouldn’t be at the position I’m at today if it weren’t for the brave and cowardly crews of those fine ships. I’ll miss those guys. (Sniff).

Federation President - Very touching. Now, you get three flagships due to your new status. One of course will be the USS Litterbox, and the other two–

Spot - I’ve already made up my mind, sir. I choose the USS Saratoga and the USS Citadel.

Federation President - Oh, I’m sorry, you were under the impression that you picked, oh well, we chose your other two ships for you.