A monthly publication of the Archdiocese of Kuching

Family of Hope – Restoring lost connections

Paul and Josephine gradually came to a stale state without doing anything seriously wrong. It was a gradual and un-noticeable decline in their interest in and feeling for each other. They were as surprised as everyone to be in such an unhappy state. And worse, both of them did not have a clue as to the cause of their suffering. Both longed for intimacy and happiness in their marriage and family, yet they sabotaged each other’s effort. All they could see was the repulsiveness and indifference towards each other.

In such hostile circumstances how could they ever grasp

·each other’s vulnerability?

·how their noble intentions and efforts to improve their relationship could have such a devastating effect on each other?

·that the repulsive behaviour and callous attitude of a spouse was just a part of their defence system?

Building a safe zone

Regaining connection in such adverse conditions takes more than determination and practical know-how. Stopping fighting is one thing. Restoring trust and feeling safe after much hurt and bitterness is a different reality all together.

For this very purpose let us look to the dynamics of our Christian Hope. We would like to propose a three-step self Recovery Programme as a kick start to securing reconnection. Working in synergy with the dynamics of integral human development, we focus on helping couples to be free from self-defeating habits and enslaving behaviours. At the same time we also seek to enhance their physical, social, mental and spiritual growth.

Three-step recovery programme

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Entrust myself and my spouse to the care of God.

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Believe that God will restore me and my marriage.

Admit I am powerless and I need help.

It’s no crime to be imperfect – being honest with myself.

We can trust God our Father for our needs.

No secrets with each and God.

What your emotions get you to do is more important than how they make you feel!

Steps in restoring connection

Research and clinical experience show that the majority of men, including those who ignore their partners, want intimate relationship just as much as women do.

But how is she to make sense of how all her good intentions and efforts to improve the relationship have such devastating over-riding message on him:-

·She is never satisfied; he is failing his spouse

·Nothing he does is good enough

·He is punished for a crime he did not commit

Misconnection is never a mystery of chance, but a consequence of our personal choice. It sounds cruel, for no one with a sound mind would deliberately choose to be estranged from a loved one. Unwittingly, we put ourselves on its collision course; we literally sleep walk into a broken relationship. Thus, appropriating it not only reduces the helpless feeling of being a victim, but initiates one’s recovery process.

Three-step Integral Recovery Principles

Step 1: Admit I am powerless; I need help.

Choose to be free to accept and appropriate one’s own limitations, needs and vulnerabilities.

Remember your spouse reads you like a book; detect any below-the-skin feeling, value attitude, or behavioural change in you.

“I cannot hear what you say, because who you are is so loud!”

Step 2: Believe that God will restore my marriage

Turn to God and seek him honestly.

“I know the plans I have in mind for you,” it is Yahweh who speaks, “Plans for peace, not disaster, reserving a future full of hope.” (Jer 29:11)

“Whatever you ask for in my name I will do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son.” (Jn 14:13-14)

Step 3: Entrust myself and my spouse to God’s care

We can be honest with God, but have great difficulty in entrusting our brokenness over to his care. But learning to allow God to work in our lives is so liberating and therapeutic.

“My grace is enough for you: my power is at its best in weakness … For it is when I am weak that I am strong.” (2 Cor 12:9-10)