Category Archives: home

7 WANTS:

( will skip the obvious stuff like true love, world peace, cure for cancer, perfect health for all & stick to the materialistic stuff. Also great job & dream home on the beach are pretty much assumed right along side ability to swim like a mermaid & communicate with all species! Rest assured when I dream, I dream bigger than a list of 7 so I will limit it to items that can actually be purchased.)

7. This jeep. Love the color and quite frankly I am dying to get something with 4 wheel drive to get out to the North End areas of the beach to go camping & just relax in general. Sure I go to all the other beaches, but I want to be able to drive there too.

ok pink or purple also would be awesome… black is good too. Maybe I need to think more on this. But of the fun!

6. Panthers jersey…. & of course a primo seat with season tickets.

5. Aviary greenhouse combo. Something where beautiful tropical plants can grow & a place where the parrots can get out & enjoy being “outside” but safely. My own lil paradise.

4. My own dance studio. Some space to just move around and work out. Barre, mirrored wall to check form when needed, pole & of course a great sound system & a weight bench over in a corner. Would be bliss. I miss the stretching involved in ballet dancing, the release of getting into the music & the strength that came from learning various pole moves.

3. New dish set that magically clean themselves after use. Too much to ask for? They don’t already make those? Why not?

Ok so I guess just a fun new set of salad plates to have fun with would work too.

2. A boat. No not just any boat, I want one I can enjoy & travel a bit on. Some space below to sleep.

Like a ticket to the world. Plus imagine the adventures & the views!

1. All my memories. Well organized. I wish we had organized all the photos we have taken over the years & made more notes along the way. Noted who was who & what date they were taken, where… all the details we forget. Hoping to start something better than just the old tote full of envelopes or the old peel and stick photo albums, although they are certainly a start. Wild how much work it can be all at once but if we just had done it along the way. No time like the present.

I could dream all day & actually have been thinking about this post several days. So much to desire in life, but also hit me how much I already have. I’m grateful for everything and that at times I have more than enough and am able to share. But oh what fun to dream!

Everything starts with a dream & thankfully I have happy news to report: I won my DietBet!

Baxter was happy too!

Not sure what the amount won will be, but I lost 14 lbs instead of the 8 lbs that was required. That in itself makes me a winner. Will find out more after everyone’s outcomes have been verified & they determine how many people won. I have been verified so I am in! There were 1,10 people last I checked so that is a lot of people to verify! & yes that means a pot of $25,250 to split up.

Hopefully the big payoff will be with improved medical tests when I return to the doctor. Either way I am celebrating with feeling great (& maybe buying myself something non-food). Need to dream more.

On the search for a new bet to place. Certainly can reinvest in myself, because I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon.

This time last week, I felt my life slipping away from me. Today I awoke with a spark.

More optimistic even if things aren’t perfect.

Mr Man & I have had some long talks and who knows where things will end up. What I do know is it is very hard to deal with depression from the inside, but it is also very difficult to deal with as someone who wants to support and make life better & can’t. There are some trust issues for both of us, but I think we both have good intentions. Time will tell if we work together or if we really just can’t be good influences on each other. Still stings but understanding the reasons and getting apologies certainly helps. Living together is tough even without the added stress.

Face it. We are both a bit nuts.

Other than the stress of having him leave, neither one of us has done anything that would be a deal breaker. I can forgive a lot if there are good intentions behind it. I’m a bit cautious but part of having an adult relationship is working through the tough parts. Both of us being stubborn and used to being in control doesn’t help. We have both been hurt in the past. Our choices now are all that matter. For now the positives of being together outweigh the positives of being apart. So we take it day by day.

Having his stuff out has enabled me to take a better look at my stuff & question why there is so much of it! I swear the clothes in my closet multiply on their own. Feel like I just went through them & purged but clearly the space filled up again and it’s time to go through them again.

Call it Spring Cleaning or sanity saving diversion, the stuff has got to go. In the closet & out. Fixing up the bedroom just allowed me to neglect the other areas of the house. Problem with a great bed is you never want to leave it. Especially when the TV with the Roku is in here. Could just be that I enjoy the green walls so much better than those old white ones.

My goal is to reorganize and maybe even move furniture around.

I can’t change the past, but I know that I can shape the future. So that is where I am placing my energy, focusing on where I want to go, being who I want to be.

To have help and companionship around the house now is making it feel like home again and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Sorry still glowing and appreciating it all even a month into this living together thing!

That being said, being a roommate (amongst other titles) it is an adjustment.

Communication is everything to relationships, in so many ways.

Mr Man & I decided to try to give the week nights some planning. He works everyday til around 5 pm & 3 out of the 5 days I have to be in classes starting at 6 pm. Waiting to see what the other wants to do for dinner or if they already ate can be trying. Then we play the “I dunno, what are you in the mood for?” game everyone plays. We have to problem figuring out, but I feel bad those nights he waits til after 8 to hear what I want for dinner. It can be a long time from lunch sometimes. So we made a plan. A lunches and couple of nights we are on our own to grab something somewhere or make sandwiches. Then we planned out meals for the other nights. Gives us a chance to try new recipes and show off ones we each know.

Did I mention how lucky I am? Yes he also cooks! So we share the duties and planning. This alone makes me feel cared for.

I made a list of ingredients needed and since the next night was one where I had class, he offered to shop on his own. (SCORE! I don’t have to go!)

Evidently we didn’t plan as well as I had thought.

When I woke and decided to make a sandwich for lunch, I found the turkey, the cheese, the whole wheat bread and then this….

yup CANNED spinach.

Not quite sure how that is going to work for sandwiches! In making the list I forgot to say FRESH spinach. Spinach that would be used for sandwiches, smoothies and then any leftover could be cooked as a side. Big difference.

Seems as far as being domestic, I have some learning to do.

We had a good laugh about it & now I’m not sure I will ever be able to open that can. Something seems right about tucking it into the back as a reminder that to get what I want, I have to ask clearly. Every time I see it, it makes me giggle.

Like this:

Woke up this morning to see a couple of tiny flakes descending from the white sky. Thankfully that was the end of that. Last year had enough snow in it to last me for a while. After it snowing for Mom’s funeral, I just can’t look at snow in the same way. It makes me sad. It is freezing cold and reminds me of days I would rather not remember. Still the excitement of it all seems to please others so be it.

It does make me stop to realize how different my life is than this time last year. Makes me grateful for the positive changes even if I do miss my Mom. I don’t miss having to make the drive each week, remember all the medication times and all the other stuff that went along with that hard time. I would do it again in a heartbeat to have her back, but I much prefer working on building my life here as opposed to the sad times of ending a life.

Like this:

There are moments that I find myself thinking “OK, we’ve proved how we can handle it all and keep our heads… send Mom back now.” As if it is all some test to see how strong we are.

Deep down it still feels like she is alive and just away.

For years she dedicated herself to school day in & day out where she would work late or keep herself busy at home grading assignments. We would find something to do on our own. Some days it felt like she wasn’t home at all. Then she got sick and life changed. Home was the focus and where the hours were spent. Now it feels empty without her. Like she left again. As if in time she will return and be with family again.

Even with all the time away at work, in the emergency moments she was there. When my kidneys got infected she took me to the doctors and fought to care for me at home rather than the hospital, knowing the places unnerved me. Even at a young age they overwhelmed me. Scared me. No place of healing comfort. Then later in high school even during my rebellious hellion phase, when we found my tumor, she was there. After the attack, she was the one who came down to care for me. To wait thru the reconstructive surgery, the physical therapy, the psychological battles I found in my sleep that she soon learned to just let me fight thru.

Her tumors. Her treatments. The surgeries. The recovery. They all found us all together. Supporting however we could. Even if only just to give comfort she wasn’t alone.

As tested as our relationships could get in the “normal life” times, we all knew when it is family fighting something major, you back them up.

This weekend was another of those moments. Another family vacation to stay in another hospital room. This time I found myself even more terrified and numb. There was no way so much can happen in our lives. We deserve some smiles and time to heal. Learn to laugh again. But here we were.

I missed mom’s knack for knowing what to do or how to get updates and figure out what is best. Her absense was deafening. I tried to ask what would she do & try to do that, but I am not her.

Thankfully the doctors and staff were great and after a small surgery and recovery time, we are all resting more comfortably in beds that don’t come equipped with a call button and oxygen masks.

The memories flooded us. Many remember when mom was her or how we sat there so long waiting after this. Maybe this is what it takes to get thru those flashbacks so when the baby comes, we can all have the happy hospital visits that we hear actually happen. At least then we will be able to have another couple of shoulders to lean on (well cuddle and chat with anyway).

This scared just confirmed how much family matters. Also how quickly mine could disappear without warning. Thankful for all the medical knowledge and gadgets that can fix issues. Literally saving liveS – the one at stake and also the family that depends on them.

So hug those you love extra tight. Feel every moment of it & make the memory to store away to keep you company later if you need it.

Maybe some day (please let it be soon) life will came down and defended can come down to where we can relax. Truly relax. D

Like this:

Relaxing by my Mom tonight when my Dad came in & said “Can you believe just a month ago it was christmas?” Took me a few seconds to realize that he was right. Exactly a month.

It was now over a month since I got the call to meet them at the hospital. Just a little over a month since we all feared she wasn’t coming home again & that I decided it was time I came home again… part time anyway. Surreal how much has happened in such little time.

Which made me realize Mom hasn’t left the bed for over a month now. Just been rolled back and forth & adjusted in the same bed for over a month. Just sitting there waiting and being waited on. Learning to let go and let others help. We all are learning so much about who we are and what we mean to each other. Blows my mind to think how different we all acted and were just a month ago.

Like this:

Took me a couple of decades to discover it, but I now understand it exist! The fart that is not funny. Typically I giggle like a school boy at the sound. My mom being confined to her bed and us caring for her EVERY need, has found me dreading the formerly humorous sound. I’m starting to understand why mothers don’t find farts as funny after days of changing diapers. Hoping it is a temporary phase.

Still there are a lot of changes to life recently. Previously I was living alone and eating whatever & whenever I wanted (mostly out because cooking for one is boring). After a couple of events and several long talks, I now am living most of the week at my parents’ place to help them care for my mom. I just is way too much for one person to do. Isn’t fair or safe to put it all on my Dad. Hospice care is great & I don’t no where we would be without them. I may not be the medically minded star my sister is at taking care of people, but I can try.

Worked it out to where I will spend four days with the parents then three days back on the coast in classes and soaking up some surf, sand & sanity.

So now I cook for me, my mom with her barely eat anything, bland diet and my father who is convinced he has diabetes type 2 (more on that in another post). Bonus is free meals, chance to experiment with new recipes in a larger kitchen and most importantly time with BOTH my parent while they are still here. I’m here to help with Mom as long as needed and then went she is gone, have a hunch Dad is going to need someone around even more.

Not sure how long this living situation is going to go on, but we will re-evaluate in May when the Summer semester begins. I am thankfully to still be taking classes even if not as many as I originally thought I would be. Unfortunately most of the online classes were closed so I am now part-time instead of full time. But the trade off with being with family is worth it. The drive back and forth however is going to be a beast.