Blog Stats

Month / October 2005

there’s been this image that has stuck with me all evening, and i wanted to share it, because it’s been something profound

we started our busy person’s retreat here. people on campus commit to a half hour of prayer alone and a half hour of time with a spiritual director. i’m doing it this semester in turn to become a spiritual director later on.

anyway, we started with a guided meditation today at our opening session where we used luke 6:12

One of those days Jesus went out to a mountainside to pray, and spent the night praying to God.

we then proceeded to develop the image of that while meditating. we pictured the night, the mountainside, and then we saw Jesus and he didn’t see us, and then we sat with Jesus. that’s really stayed with me today. the thought of sitting with Jesus on a mountainside, talking to him about my life, just as if we were in casual conversation. we were to envision his face as we met up with him to sit together, and when i saw him, he had a smile on his face that just said “i know how you feel, adam, i will have to be there soon enough”

and the thing that i suppose has stuck with me about the whole thing is that prayer is meant to be like that. the Trinity really is with me like that. i can sit with Jesus on the mountainside and merely sit in his presence

we finished and were told that we could be given time to come back slowly to join the rest of the folks again, and i couldn’t help but not want to leave. i looked around the scene again where Jesus and i spent our time, and came back to the room

we have theology on tap tonight which is a gannon campus ministry program where students are bussed/walked to an undisclosed bar, given free appetizers and listen to a talk given by someone on a theological subject – you even can drink with your buddies. great idea in my mind

anyway, tonight is just war theory… justwartheory.com has some good stuff, and i’m reading through the bbc’s ethics section on jwt… this was an interesting point:

Going to war for a hopeless cause may be a noble act, but it is an unethical one.

it seems so easy to think nobility and ethics are almost always parallel, but this is a point that makes me wonder about that

one of the most beautiful (and yet one of the most overlooked) parts of life is that we as mankind are given the ability to think about our convictions and judgments, and when it right, rethink and change if needed. in other words, you can grow everyday

thanks for the concern. i apprecatie it, and understand that i rarely get into these moods and shout out my anger and frustration

there are things you begin to notice that are more beautiful after something like this whole thing

friends and family are more precious and trust is something never to be unappreciated
and in the end, i realized that God must cut away chaff, no matter how painful, to scuplt us into something more perfect

this was simply a painful wake-up call, but the joy in the end will more than make up for the temporary frustrations

also, in a few weeks this won’t matter. after a point, the past does dissappear when it is no longer the present.

tonight i found out some things that have hurt me more than i can ever rememeber

i was betrayed, lied to, humiliated, and belittled to a point in which i have never felt (and it’s okay, you don’t have to ask, because chances are i probably won’t talk to you about it)

i’m nauseated. i’m shaking.

but i think i can say without a doubt that this is the biggest blessing in the twenty-two years i have lived. i am free. i am liberated from a situation that showed me nothing but depravity and spite

and i will say this: when the phoenix rises, it’s more beautiful and stronger than when it fell

i had wondered to myself way too often of late why i feel this impediment on my heart. as in i want to write something as beautiful as hans or lsmith. i want to feel whatever bard is within me and let it live. how about we draw back from bard and just merely say spirit

i want my spirit to be free

and yet, i imprisoned it in a deception partially my own, but wholly out of my control

i am a fire waiting to start and burn with passion
i am a patient awake from anesthesia
i am a ground parched no longer