growing wild in the san francisco hills

I Demand More Puppies on Television, and Everywhere Else

Don’t even read this blog post. Just google puppies. You’ll be glad you did.

Lately I’ve been having a lot of killer ideas involving puppies. Those furry wee machines are just on my mind all the time and I decided some of these eureka moments were just too good to keep to myself, so I’m going to grace the interspheres with them.

If you have any good ideas for puppies you should share them with the world too, maybe on Twitter. Have you heard of it? It’s a micro-blogging platform…oh never mind.

Cute Furry Time-Sensitive Ideas:

1. A medical television show that has puppies instead doctors, nurses, and technicians: It would be so cute if someone came in, literally spineless from an almost deadly car accident and the puppies had to perform surgery, their tiny paws holding scalpels and administering anesthesia. The highlight of the show will be when one of the puppies yawns and magically cures the patient because of overwhelming cuteness.

2. Puppy petting stations, featuring a baby: I don’t know if puppy petting stations are a thing, but Courtney Cox had one at a birthday party (according to a reliable source), and there was one used at my alma mater during finals to relieve stress. Obviously the puppy petting station idea is great, but what if there were a baby too? People love seeing the baby size of things play with one another, so it would be dangerously cute if there were an infant in there, wearing a hat or a bow or a rubber chicken, nuzzling itself (sorry for the neuter pronoun) against the soft puppy fur. And then the young ones will get tired and the guests of the party would gather ’round to watch the baby and puppy nap session. Precious!

3. Presidential debates with puppies: I think this idea pretty much speaks for itself. If there were some golden retriever pups on stage, or Obama and Romney were both petting one, then I think people might actually tune in and this country would realize the change that we’ve all chanted about or against. Of course, Romney would have to learn how to simulate pet empathy. I believe there’s a program he could get installed for that though.

4. Cooking show featuring puppies: the puppies wouldn’t actually make any food, they would just be playing with each other while someone made cookies in the background. There would be a final screenshot of a timid puppy gingerly biting a chocolate chip cookie and then the recipe would flash on screen. Ratings out the roof. This would also be great for when smell-o-vision finally comes into existence, minus the dog-urine. Puppies and chocolate chip cookies: is there anything better or more generic?

5. Economics courses featuring live puppies as the go-to example for everything: the professor would introduce the puppies, saying that Porkchop is better at fetching sticks, while Crumpet is better at digging holes. In the most efficient economic system, Porkchop would just fetch sticks and Crumpet would just dig holes. Then there would be a demonstration, clapping, laughter, and happiness.

I believe the solution to many of our world’s problems is to get the puppies involved. They already exist, so let’s put their cuteness to work.

Hey, I have a image of artwork that features the most adorable puppy you have ever seen. Send me your email address and I will attach. You have my permission to use it in your puppy post. The title of the peice is Puppy in Hand. This is SOOOOOOOOOO funny as always!

Perhaps a remake of Lassie with all actors being puppies except for Lassie herself who will be played by human actor Leonard Nimoy wearing clip on puppy ears. His is the most qualified I feel to pull off the “these are not my real ears” role.

Let’s just elect a puppy to be president. Both liberals and conservatives like puppies: liberals were upset that Romney drove a dog on the car roof, and conservatives were mad that Obama ate dog meat. So I think both parties could agree on a puppy as a unifying leader. Though not just any puppy would do – it will probably have to be a white puppy.

I like item two. There are days the unconditional love of a puppy is all I need to keep sane. As for a cooking show with puppies, great idea but no chocolate chip cookies for the pup. It’s real bad for them. I.d love to own a puppy but Fate has destined me to be a cat person.

Ah, the age old sedative debate……puppies vs. barbiturates
puppy pro: cute
barbiturate pros: easy to keep in your pocket until needed
puppy con: pee
barbiturate con: need a prescription for the good ones
Final analysis: too close to call….use both liberally