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Lupus

Well, after a sh*tty few weeks at my lowest for a long time I made an appointment with my Doctor, I’d spoken to her on the phone the day before – so she knew what to expect, and she had the tissues ready. I sat and sobbed, I let it all out, how fed up I am, how annoyed I am with myself, all that crap I’ve been through and now I get depressed! But I jut don’t know how to get out of this mood, I’m tired so I can’t run, I don’t actually want to walk much, never mind run, I’m crying constantly, I’m eating my way through it, I’m putting weight on, but fat weight not muscly weight which is getting me down too. And I’m then comfort eating. I really don’t remember ever feeling this sad, and negative. I’m a positive person, I don’t want to be negative.

So after 15 minutes of sobbing, we decided I was going on anti depressants, with an appointment to go back in 4 weeks, to see how I’m doing.

I’ve been on them a week now, and the side effects have been awful. I have had the worst tummy ever, and I’ve wanted to hide. Luckily I’ve been able to work from home, so stayed close to the bathroom, and didn’t have to deal with people, and I got lots of work done, which made me feel calmer. And things are starting to settle down now, and I am starting to feel better already! I haven’t cried once all week.

On Friday I went to the hospital! Apparently I’m a little miracle! All my nasties in my blood have settled, and my kidney function has improved by 20%! He’s really happy with how well I’ve done and is going to reduce my steroids so that I won’t be taking any within 6 months! I still have to deal with the day to day crap Lupus brings and my dodgy leg, but I am sooooo very happy my kidney is ok just now!

Today I decided I’m ready to get back to my happy positive self now! This morning we went for a walk, just a 20 minute one, but it was a start, and we have spent the rest of the day in the garden! I’ve discovered it’s very therapeutic weeding while sat down, and shuffling along the path on my bum!
We’ve eaten outside all day, watching the bees and butterflies fluttering about, listening to the birds singing, and the neighbours children playing in their garden!
And I’m going to make an effort to go for a walk every evening – I’m knackered anyway, I might as well have a proper reason to be!

I’ve got 2 weeks left in work till our fortnight off, and I want to be back to happy by then so we can enjoy our time off without me being miserable.

I didn’t have to get up till 10am today! But no – 6am and I was wide awake.

I know what’s up! I’m going out this evening! My old manager is retiring and we are off out for a posh meal! And I know I will have a lovely time, but ever since I’ve been ill, my confidence is shot! And I’m all of a dither about meeting up with people I haven’t seen for ages and being in a social situation again! And having to stay awake past 9pm!

Completely and utterly stupid I know, but that’s me just now!

And the way I will cope with today! My makeup will be as good as it gets, my hair – well not much I can say about my hair – I will make the most of it, and I will eat my way through today! I did a quiz once that said I wasn’t an emotional eater! Yeah right!!!
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Up until last October, I was quite normal! I am married, we have one son, almost 2o years old. I have a full time job which I love. I try and eat healthy most of the time & I loved to – that was my thing! I’d tried lots of other different things, but soon became bored – running is the only thing I’ve stuck with for so long (about 11 years now) .

Then bang! My whole life was turned upside down! I was admitted to hospital with water retention- I’d put on 20lb of fluid over the weekend, and figured I should get it checked out! I was kept in to have a kidney biopsy to find out what was going wrong! This all went to plan, but afterwards it wouldn’t stop bleeding! Three ops, and four days later, I had one kidney less, and the other one wasn’t working anymore & I was put on dialysis. Had a couple of blood transfusions as I lost so much blood, and hubby was told a couple of times I wasn’t going to make it.

9 weeks later, I’d had numerous infections, an allergic reaction to antibiotics which resulted in me getting Steven Johnsons syndrome (a life threatening skin condition which resulted in me shedding my skin), pneumonia, c-dif, I’d been in ICT, HDU, and several other wards in between. I’d lost 2 stone in weight (as well as the 20lb fluid) , and lots of muscle wastage, could barely walk with out sticks, and I got to go home the day before Christmas Eve!

The last few months have been spent building my strength back up, and try to get back to normal. I have now been diagnosed with Lupus, and am constantly at the hospital seeing one consultant or the other – they are treating me with kid gloves as I went through so much while in hospital.

And now I’m starting back to work, and trying to run again.

This blog will be my ramblings – happy and sad, my feelings and thoughts.

I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I’m going to enjoy writing them.

PS I’m not a writer, I’m not particularly witty or entertaining- and this could end up very boring – I’m just me 😊
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