Does anyone know details regarding "Right of First Refusal" in New York state? I just enrolled my 9 yr old dd in after-school care. It is at her elementary school & run by the YMCA. To make a long story short, her father (my x-H) says she should be with him (and apparently his new wife & step-d) instead. I disagree. His visitation days are Wednesday afternoons & every other weekend. And those are the days he can have her. For various reasons I do not believe that being at his house everyday is in the best interest of my child. I have done a little research & found Right of First Refusal to be very sketchy - sometimes it is a blanket right, other times it does not apply to day-care & after-school care. Does anyone have any experience with this?

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I don't know anything specific to NY (I'm in NM), but my understanding of ROFR is that it applies across the board to substitute care, though not to time spent in enriching activities (i.e., BD could not claim ROFR when I drop a child off at art class or soccer practice; he could claim ROFR during after-school care or when I hire a babysitter). I love ROFR because BD used to hire some way wonky babysitters and I ended up exercising it lots more than he did. We've been divorced a looong time now, though, and we rarely butt heads about anything anymore. Those first few years are hard hard hard!Anyway, I remember that I wanted my kids to go to daycare (where I knew they were safer) on Thursdays, which when they were little was one of their dad's days off, and my lawyer told me that there was no judge that would say he couldn't keep them, even though it wasn't technically his time. If either parent is available, the law will tend to favor the child's time with that parent, whatever the time-sharing or visitation schedule.So I guess what I'm saying is, I don't think you'll get what you want here. Sorry. :hug

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:eyes Does it apply to a parent's spouse? If biodad is at work and wants the kids to be with SM instead of after-school care, can they claim FROR?

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:eyes Does it apply to a parent's spouse? If biodad is at work and wants the kids to be with SM instead of after-school care, can they claim FROR?
Where I am, no. I'm a SAHM; we would prefer that SS come here to our house after school (while his dad and mom are both still at work) instead of going to after-school care, primarily because that's what SS wants. We've finally worked it out with BM that he can come here after school on days when DH would normally have him. But ROFR doesn't apply. If DH worked a different kind of schedule and was here after school, but BM was at work, then it would apply. It's not generally understood to apply to step-parents as far as I know. Now, why BM wants SS to go to an after school program that costs her money, when SS is very vocal in his preference to come to our house... well, I guess I do know her reasons, but they're all so... not good, I guess. :dizzy:

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UpTown Zoo, thanks for your response. I spoke to my lawyer & it is complicated. Right now he's looking over my divorce agreement & going to get back to me at the beginning of the week. However, he did ask me if dd's father has had her at any other time during the years we've been divorced except for the times specified as his visitation days. Apparently you can be penalized if you've been nice enough to let your child spend any other time with the other parent or switch their days to be more accomodating. I do not wish for my dd to never see her father. I have in the past switched days to be more accomodating to his schedule, this does not mean I want her there all the time. Now I just have to wait & see.

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If Dad is going to be around, why is that worse than being cared for by virtual strangers?

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Her father has a history of drug & alcohol abuse, works at night & is usually sleeping during the day. In most cases it would be his wife looking after her who does not share my same here values. I could make long list of reasons that I do not want her there. I also believe my dd is bullied by her step-sister.

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To me the short list of reasons you share look like a excellent set of questions.I assume the relationship between you two is not particularly harmonious? Just going off your description of how you feel about him asserting his right of first refusal..Maybe you could ask him, politely, his reasons for wanting that time when you are not able to personally provide care but are still the on-duty parent? Perhaps he has had a schedule change at work?Or is willing to ask for one?If your suspicions are correct, however, about his unavailability due to his work or sleep schedule.... then absolutely not. right of first refusal, in my opinion, applies to mother and father when one is available to care for the child for periods of time when the on-duty parent cannot personally be there. If the other parent is available....... my opinion is that the opportunity to care for their child should be automatically granted them over arranged care by a non-parent.my two bits,-anj119

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I don't know anything specific to NY (I'm in NM), but my understanding of ROFR is that it applies across the board to substitute care, though not to time spent in enriching activities (i.e., BD could not claim ROFR when I drop a child off at art class or soccer practice; he could claim ROFR during after-school care or when I hire a babysitter). I love ROFR because BD used to hire some way wonky babysitters and I ended up exercising it lots more than he did. We've been divorced a looong time now, though, and we rarely butt heads about anything anymore. Those first few years are hard hard hard!Anyway, I remember that I wanted my kids to go to daycare (where I knew they were safer) on Thursdays, which when they were little was one of their dad's days off, and my lawyer told me that there was no judge that would say he couldn't keep them, even though it wasn't technically his time. If either parent is available, the law will tend to favor the child's time with that parent, whatever the time-sharing or visitation schedule.So I guess what I'm saying is, I don't think you'll get what you want here. Sorry. :hug
I'm in NY. If either parent, either custodial or noncustodial parents comes to pick up their child at school or daycare (or any other place the other parent is not at), by law, unless there is a restraining order against that parent for that child or the other parent has proved in court and has papers with the child or the person in charge of the child, no one can stop them from picking up their own child.:eyes Does it apply to a parent's spouse? If biodad is at work and wants the kids to be with SM instead of after-school care, can they claim FROR?
Grey area here. Technically, if your ExHusband tells the after school program that his Wife can pick your child up, unless you have something court ordered against her, she can, however, you can request that the after school program notify you and you can go get your child, with reasons explained above. :dizzy: On a more personal note, unless you think your child is in actual danger at the other house, it may just confuse and possibly scare the child knowing that you don't feel that they are safe at the other parent's house.

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I have not shared this with my dd. She loves her father & I would not bad mouth him to her.
Oh, I hope you didn't think I was implying that you badmouth your Ex in front of your daughter! I meant, unless you thought she was in actual danger, I wouldn't suggest rushing over and taking her from her Stepmother, no matter how much you want to because children are very perseptive and she would figure out that it's not okay with you for her to be with that person, even though, I'm sorry to say, she is part of your daughter's family, though her Father.

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HarleyHalfMoon, no that's okay, I didn't think you were implying anything. And, yes, you're right, I wouldn't rush over & take her because kids are very perceptive & I wouldn't want to cause any more drama in my dd's life.

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Have I mentioned that he is 2 months late in child support?
Not sure if you are aware of this but being behind on child support has absolutely no bearing on his vistation rights. Those are two seperate issues. I suggest you go to support enforcement if you are having trouble collecting it directly from him. They will garnish what they can from his wages.

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Not sure if you are aware of this but being behind on child support has absolutely no bearing on his vistation rights. Those are two seperate issues.
Yes, I am aware of this. I was just listing it because it is an issue between us. His attitude towards it does not, in my opinion, seem to be a responsible one.