Those of us who have raised concerns about the tradeoffs of shutting down the nation indefinitely based on speculative models lacking essential data have been told we’re heartless, pro-death, un-Christian sickos who should be ejected from society and banned from all platforms.

How dare we worry about things like money, the next generation’s education, the carnage of a destroyed economy, the deliberate wreckage of all non-pandemic medical services, the desolation of tax bases, and being denied Christ’s body and blood during the holiest season of the Christian year when lives are at stake! Any and every price is worth paying to save even one person. Don’t you agree?

So in an act of repentance for my hatred of humanity, I hereby recant with the following list of other activities that need to be banned immediately in order to save lives. A rough estimate suggests banning the following items would save 1.9 million lives every year, or what we are being told coronavirus shutdowns are saving right now despite the lack of any widespread testing of a representative population sample and thus zero good data about its true transmission rate.

Just think of that: We can save nearly 2 million lives every year with these personal and collective sacrifices. In addition, we can prevent an estimated 100 million sicknesses and injuries! With numbers like that, it’s impossible to argue against banning these activities immediately. After all, this will save lives!

1. Ban Motor Vehicles

Federal data shows that more than 2.4 million Americans were injured in car crashes in 2015, and more than 37,000 people died in car crashes in 2016. Many crash injuries affect people’s health and comfort for the rest of their lives. All of these deaths and inuries are preventable, if only we would ban cars.

2. Ban Touching People, Mandate Mask-Wearing

The seasonal flu is spread by touching, coughing, and sneezing. In the 2017-19 season, 61,000 Americans died of the flu. An additional 810,000 Americans were hospitalized with the flu, according to the Centers for Disease Control. If everyone stopped touching other people and wore face masks during flu season, we could save tens of thosuands of lives. The loss of all human contact is a worthy sacrifice for this noble goal.

3. Ban Sex

An estimated 110 million Americans have a sexually transmitted disease. The CDC estimates there are 20 million new STDs contracted every year. Some of these are treatable but deadly: “In 2018, 37,832 people received an HIV diagnosis in the United States and dependent areas,” the CDC says.

Obviously, people can get STDs from things other than sex, but they are called sexually transmitted for a reason: They’re overwhelmingly transmitted by sexual contact. Therefore, to save millions of lives over the next few decades, we could ban sex. No sex, no STDs.

Another benefit of banning sex is that this would eliminate women’s chances of dying in childbirth. In the United States, these chances are low, but every life is precious. About 700 U.S. women die in childbirth every year, and 50,000 nearly die. Thus banning sex would save lives. Remember, no cost is too high to save a life.

4. Ban Abortion

Since we are now apparently a compassionate society willing to do anything necessary to save lives, perhaps we could finally be compassionate enough to end our half-century of starving babies to death in their mothers’ wombs or having their limbs cut apart and suctioned out. That is, respectively, how chemical and surgical abortion generally work.

That would have the bonus of producing more taxpayers to pay off our government’s mega-trillions in stimulus and other unfunded spending. Since half of Americans depend on taxpayers to provide their health care, this would also probably help more Americans live in the long-term rather than be left without care once our welfare state contracts its inevitable debt crisis and stops paying bills.

The government will place every child not killed through this abortion ban with Americans whom the government has deemed have enough means to support a dependent child. Married people with no children and those whose work can be flexed will be the first to be required to parent these children. Any complaining about this will be met with massive public scorn at the selfishness of refusing to sacrifice a bit of time and money to save one single small, helpless life.

5. Ban Corn Syrup, Sugar, Trans Fats

American corn producers are subsidized something like $4 billion a year for products that fatten and kill Americans, namely corn syrup. More than 87,000 Americans died in 2017 as a result of diabetes. More than 647,000 died of heart disease. Both of these scourges on American lives are exacerbated or even created by poor diets. Banning corn syrup, sugar, and trans fats would save tens, if not hundreds, of thousands of lives.

Nanny de Blasio was right. It’s for the greater good.

6. Ban Tobacco

Speaking of leading American killers, cancer is the second-leading cause of death in the United States, and lung cancer causes more deaths than any other kind. Obviously smoking is the prime way people get lung cancer. In 2017, more than 140,000 Americans died from lung cancer alone.

Respiratory diseases are the fourth-leading cause of death in the United States, causing more than 160,000 deaths in 2017. Smoking is also a lead cause of these deadly diseases. “The CDC estimates that smoking leads to approximately 480,000 deaths per year in the United States, which is more than double the number of people that the White House is expecting to die from the Wuhan virus,” notes Tristan Justice.

Clearly, for the greater good, all tobacco must be banned. This will save hundreds of thousands of lives.

7. Ban Alcohol

Something like 14 million Americans are alcoholics, causing uncalculable misery for themselves and their families, not to mention billions in costs to taxpayers. Alcohol abuse is responsible for approximately 88,000 deaths per year in the United States. It is the third-leading cause of preventable U.S. deaths.

Obviously, alcohol needs to be banned. And worldwide: “In 2012, 3.3 million deaths, or 5.9 percent of all global deaths (7.6 percent for men and 4.0 percent for women), were attributable to alcohol consumption.” Allowing this is unconscionable. Anyone who thinks otherwise obviously hates life.

For their own good, we need to keep Americans from eating these murderous foods. It’s the only humane social decision.

9. Ban Playgrounds

Unintentional injuries are the third-leading cause of death for Americans, and the top cause of death for children ages 1 to 14. Four thousand children from 1-14 died of falling alone in 2017.

The solution is obvious: Ban playgrounds. They are death traps. Also consider wrapping children in protective gear 24/7. We should also consider banning walking and climbing, since just about everyone who died from falling was doing one of those two things.

10. Ban Guns

“In 2017, 39,773 persons died from firearm-related injuries in the United States,” according to federal data. Because every life is precious, every single measure intended to save it is justified. All we should have to do is look at this statistic to know that the natural right to self-defense should be no barrier to saving American lives by banning guns. It’s for the public health.

11. Ban Cell Phones

The U.S. Department of Transportation estimates that “distracted driving,” the leading cause of which is cell phone use while driving, cause 3,477 total deaths, 3,196 fatal car wrecks, and 391,000 injuries in 2015.

The epidemic increase of teen suicide is also related to cell phone use, as several studies have shown. One showed, for example, that as cell phone use became common among teens, their suicide rate increased 31 percent.

“[T]eens who spent five or more hours a day online were 71% more likely than those who spent less than an hour a day to have at least one suicide risk factor (depression, thinking about suicide, making a suicide plan or attempting suicide). Overall, suicide risk factors rose significantly after two or more hours a day of time online.”

There is an obvious solution to both of these death traps: Ban cell phone use for everyone. Don’t you want a better society?

12. Ban Work

in 2018, there were 5,250 work-related fatalities in the United States, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. That is 5,250 too many for a compassionate modern society to tolerate. All work must cease to prevent this from ever happening again.

It’s not just death, either. Work is a threat to health in many other ways. In fact, this threat is already an “epidemic.” In 2018, there were 2.8 million work-related injuries and illnesses that did not cause death, but did cause untold heartache and suffering to Americans, and needless strains on our health care system. The U.S. Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) thinks only half of workplace injuries and illnesses are even reported, so the real figure is nearer 5.6 million every single year.

Globally, work-related death and injuries like these are a “continuing epidemic,” according to esteemed public health researchers: “Worldwide, work-related illnesses and injuries kill approximately 1.1 million people per year. In 1992, an estimated 65,000 people in the United States died of occupational injuries or illness.”

The solution is simple: Ban work. Oh, wait, the government has already done that for at least 10 million Americans. I’m sure they all appreciate its concern for their health.