Thursday, December 15, 2011

The Spurious World of Internet Dating

Alright. I fell in love with the wrong man. Well no, I had a mighty crush on the wrong man. Well no, he was the right man but the wrong time. Well no, it was the right man at the right time but the wrong ages. So, to move onwards and upwards, re-mount the horse so to speak, I decided to try RSVP dating. Hey, it worked for Clare's flatmate although being a silf-like blonde with big boobs probably didn't do her any harm.

So it works like this. You get onto the site and build a very comprehensive profile pretty much describing yourself in vivid, and in my case, accurate detail (although I neglected mentioning arthritic knees and a neurotic personality). Then you plonk up a few photos. Then you buy a few 'Stamps' so that when someone sends you a 'Kiss' you can actually reply beyond their measured responses or you can email and begin a chat.

Now I'm no stranger to Chat. I use it to talk to you...to family...to said crush...I don't even have a phone so Skype IS my phone but there's nothing worse than getting a 'Kiss' from an index typist, you know, the ones going 'Where's the 't' on this keyboard'. I have time to make coffee, get changed and take a pee before he's replied to two lines of conversation.

So, first encounter is via chat. Nice policeman, very tall, quite handsome but has kids with him 60% of the time, talks then declares that he's actually not interested in romance just collecting conversations to fill his boring weeknights when the ex-wifey (with whom he has a wonderful relationship) has the kidlets, and all women met and chatted with, are referred to as his 'ladies'. Ba-dong! Outta there.

Then there's the 47 year old that likes oral (yes he pretty much broached that in the first half hour), 'lol's a lot and keeps sending me email notifications via RSVP at 1:30 in the afternoon when I've already told him I work behind a secure proxy server and can't get onto network, dating sites or blogs. He refuses to tell me more than his name or sexual preferences, playful and funny but will not email or Skype (oh don't worry I have 'alternative' accounts for the great unseen). Another one for the bin.

There's the lovely freelance journo who I actually did meet on a pouring wet day, although he was half an hour late when I msg'd said crush, who bless his cotton socks stayed up until I came home to make sure I was alright and to hear the predictable 'woe is me' whine - or perhaps to gloat because he thought I'd been stood up. Anyway, said journo/photographer sends so many mixed messages from 'you're lovely and terribly pretty, let's keep in touch,' through to 'I chased a woman up the north coast and it didn't work out.' My thoughts? Why is he on a dating site if he's already got a target. Rebound man who I'm still talking to but sparks? Probably not. Could end up being a decent pal tho so hope springs eternal.

Tonight however was a doozie. A rather nice military man sent me a 'Kiss'. I emailed back in the hope of chat. Clearly broken English, had a short exchange (remember he's the one that initiated contact) parted with "I have to go to the bed" and that was it. Perhaps it was my name that put him off, or the fact that I typed 50 words to his 1, since we barely had a conversation beyond, 'How long have you been on here'. As far as I know, he's still online and shopping in the virtual meat market.

Ah well, I have six stamps which entitles me to emails to the end of January. So if Mr Right doesn't pop his head up, and Mr Goodbar doesn't kill me.... or he's able to type with more than two fingers and isn't holding a huge fish above his head as a trophy... I'm buying a dildo and listening to the sexy voice of the guy on the 'Quit Smoking' CD that I bought last year. Now there's an image to rock your world!

Hmmmmmm... I've tried the Internet dating services with about the same results. I don't check the sites I'm registered on very often as a result. I've pretty much given up and now wait for lightning to strike in the 3D world.

Oh, oh, oh. Well, I guess I think that if one goes into it with the view that it's a lark, and one is careful about the Mr. Goodbar types, then it might be, well, a lark. I will say this, though. I know two happily married couples who met through an Internet dating service.

Ha...the joys of internet dating. Been there...done that. I did meet my wife online so I can say that it does work...although I too have more than enough blog material for several years with stories from that timeframe. Oh...and they really aren't calling them dildos now in the States...they call them "vibrations" and then can run TV commercials to sell them now.

Well, I am quite sceptical about online dating and online staff in general. Online dating was a disaster for me. I guess I couldn't describe myself well or I am a bad person. I started ordering stuff online this year and so far so good but I am much more confident when I am in a shop. I am getting annoyed with facebook. It broke down in April and I had to make a new one. So yes, I wish I would be less connected to this but my university stuff is there, news are there so...

As for online dating...well, you never know...it certainly has worked for some people. Not for me, however. I haven't been brave enough to try it again, but luck to you. If nothing else, it gives you interesting blog material. This was a fun read.

Sounds super scary! Reminds me of blind dates or being set up with someone by a well meaning friend. A friend just recently reminded me of a night we tried to climb out of the bathroom window on a double date (from hell) and unfortunately the window was locked. So have to say I'm with Pam on this one... the grass is always greener.

I had a few doozies, just trying to find conversation partners for learning Italian (by the way, many of them - male and female - do seem to have a habit of saying 'I'm going to bed' and disappearing without further ado, so maybe it's a cultural thing in some countries?).

There was the Neapolitan coastguard who I found seriously freaky. He would be conversing quite sensibly one minute and then without changing tone or pace would throw in a 'you are a very attractive woman, did you know? You like to hear?' or 'I have a beautiful view, you should come to see'. Um ... no thanks, I think not.

My daughter did some internet dating and the guys were all too weird – an American-Italian guy who wanted to get married right away after his family of 15 said OK and such types. Yours was a fun post. I hope you had a great Christmas and I wish you the greatest coming year.

All About Me! (Well almost)

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