‘Just Tell Me Whose Feet To Wash’

VATICAN CITY—In response to criticism of his handling of the Catholic Church’s ongoing child sex abuse scandal, Pope Francis instructed reporters Thursday to just tell him whose feet he needs to wash. “Look, just let me know whose feet I need to wash so we can fix this,” said His Holiness, gesturing toward a bucket and towel while assuring everyone he would cleanse as many sins as it takes to make the revelations about parishes protecting pedophile priests go away. “I’ll wash the kids’ feet, the abusers’ feet, the prosecutors’ feet, whoever; just give me some names so we can get this over with. I have soap and everything and I’m willing to travel wherever, so let’s get this rolling so I can scrub-a-dub-dub.” At press time, Pope Francis began wandering around washing the feet of everyone he came in contact with just to be safe.