Saturday, February 8, 2014

15 Things I'll Bet You Didn't Know About the Loch Ness Monster

Ever since her first reported sighting in 1933, the Loch Ness monster, AKA "Nessie", has captured the hearts and minds of millions of adoring fans, monster lovers, and, of course, cryptozoologists the world over. Movies have been made about her, and songs have been sung in her honor. However, few really know much about this amazing, damn near magical creature. So, I've taken the liberty of compiling a list of 15 compelling Nessie facts. I hope you find it enlightening. And if you don't keep your mouth shut. I don't wanna know about it.

Nessie hates the name "Nessie". She prefers "Babbette".

Nessie's skin contains minute amounts of vibranium, a material which absorbs energy. Hence the reason sonar has been useless in tracking her.

Nessie's favorite thing about living in Loch Ness is the fact that she gets free cable.

This one time, in band camp, Nessie farted really loud. The resulting noise was the primary inspiration for the invention of the tuba.

Nessie doesn't believe in aliens, ghosts, or Sasquatch. But she does believe in Harvey Dent.

Nessie dreamed of drumming for Ozzy Osbourne as a young monster. But her flippers were too short for her to learn to drum. She does, however, play a mean slide guitar.

Nessie thinks that creationist looney Ken Ham should shut up and go back to working at Dairy Queen.

Nessie's favorite works of music are Chopin's "Minute Waltz", Debussey's "Clair de Lune", and Bon Jovi's Slippery When Wet.

Nessie served an uncredited role as technical advisor to Guillermo Del Toro on the film Pacific Rim.

Wal-Mart has so much Duck Dynasty crap, Nessie thinks they should change their name to The Duck Dynasty Outlet.

Noah didn't let Nessie on the ark because her body odor kept upsetting the platypuses.

Nessie's perfect Sunday consists of a long swim, a yummy meal from the nearest Taco Bell, and a Doctor Who marathon.

Nessie's favorite TV show is How I Met Your Mother. She's a big fan of the Marshall Erikson character.

Nessie and the Jersey Devil have an ongoing bet that polar ice caps will melt before the Miami Dolphins win another Super Bowl.

Nessie is a big-time Jane Austen fan, but her favorite book of all time is The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. She just loves to laugh.