Kayaking in speedos

The ladies at work invited me to go kayaking. I was very excited. I had never done this before, and the thought of sitting in a kayak and rowing into the horizon appealed to me.

Asides from needing to wear a lifejacket, and of course having a kayak to ride in, I was not conversant with the sport. Someone had generously volunteered to come with a spare kayak, and I innocently told the ladies I would be coming along with my lifejacket and Speedos.... that was when my problems started.

The ladies laughed continuously, and I wondered why the word ‘Speedos’ was so amusing. I was very proud of my Speedos. They fitted me perfectly. The straps were elastic and transparent, and I must say (not wanting to blow my trumpet), that I looked quite cool in them.

They made fun of me, conjuring images of me wearing tight fitting skimpy swimwear. That was when I realized that Speedos, in this part of the world, are entirely different from the Speedos I was referring to. You see, when I said Speedos, I was referring to the sports brand and the goggles they make (What did you think I was referring to?).

My intentions were very innocent, but now, unfortunately, they have been defiled by the sarcasm of these ladies. They still make fun of me till today. You know what, maybe someday, I just might get a Kamsack type Speedo; that will teach them.

Anyways, to the lake we went: life jacket, kayak and Speedos (the goggles of course). And, just to put your mind at ease, I actually wore swimming shorts. Sas-Kam was very generous to lend me a fancy top-grade kayak. My office colleagues were all there. Everyone was keen to have fun on the placid lake. I was given a crash course on how to kayak. In retrospect, it would have been smart if someone had advised me not to swing my hips while trying to turn sideways, maybe I wouldn’t have been the laughing stock, again.

After the initial group pictures, I eagerly set out paddling into the lake. I felt cool with myself because I was moving quite fast. I wondered why some people found the sport difficult. It was easy, like riding a bike. And that was where my problem began. I thought I was riding a bike. I tried to make a turn, and in the process, like riding a bike, I swung my hips to the other side. Your guess is as good as mine.

The kayak toppled over and I found myself in the lake: shorts, life jacket, Speedo and all. Again, till this very day, that has remained a touchy subject in the office. Nobody talked about my strong swimming strides as I swam to shore, pulling the kayak along. Nobody talked about my stamina and composure under an extremely stressful situation. All that mattered to them was that I toppled over. I ‘hate’ these guys.

This episode taught me some very crucial lessons: Speedos to the people of Kamsack and environs, are like a bikini; save your hip swinging for the dance floor and bike riding because you don’t need it on the lake; always go kayaking alone, that way, when you flip over, nobody sees you, and the ladies in my office could be very, very unforgiving with their taunts.