Just as Richard suggested to the OP, I'm going to suggest to you that you block him in every way possible and find someone better. But first figure out why you were attracted to this kind of treatment in the first place. It's a lousy predictor of long-term happiness.

]]>2018-12-19T08:00:27+00:002018-12-19T08:00:27+00:00https://www.uncommonforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=107679&p=903759#p903759Statistics: Posted by Richard@DecisionSkills — Wed Dec 19, 2018 8:00 am
]]>2018-12-19T07:55:43+00:002018-12-19T07:55:43+00:00https://www.uncommonforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=106856&p=903758#p903758If he came back, it’ll be on his terms. Just like this whole thing has been. I don’t think I could accept that. I pull him up on one thing and he distances himself. He Continually hurts me and it doesn’t seem like he sees fault in his behaviour.

Leesh18 wrote:I have come to realise that I deserve better than what I have been getting from him. I always wanted to make him happy but I forgot about my needs. When I stood up for myself, he distanced himself further. I won’t accept him back into my life...

Wise words, Leesh.

... until he becomes emotionally stable.

How would you ever trust him, after this?

How much better to find someone who treats you well from the start, and remains consistent.

imsomeone257 wrote:He even threatened to suicide if i left him. The "you're rejecting me and this is all solely your fault" really starts to weight in my head.

Why havent i moved on?

You have not yet moved on, because you feel guilty. Guilt is a powerful tool, it is a powerful emotion, and it is something we learn and that is used to manipulate us at a very young age.

Manipulate is a bit of a strong word, but guilt is a universal method humans use to “teach” their young to behave. It is used most often with good intent, but it has unfortunate consequences. Go anywhere in the world and you will see parents using guilt. Go anywhere in the world and you will see society using guilt and shaming to “guide” or manipulate a population. It is a very strong emotion.

Think of it this way. How do you get another person to behave how you want them to behave? You start by telling them what you expect. You expect they clean their room. If they don’t then you use positive or negative reinforcement. You use reward or punishment. In some cases a child is forced to clean their room or there is a threat of physical punishment. But, in many cultures physical punishment is not acceptable so this leaves mental punishment. You guilt or shame the child into cleaning their room. You explain how bad they are making you feel, how much pain you are in because of their behavior.

The above paragraph is a very general pattern, but it is universal and it is taught to us at a very young age.

Move into adulthood and this boyfriend is using guilt as his manipulation, his weapon of choice to get you to do what he wishes. And I’m not saying intentionally. This type of manipulation he has used repeatedly throughout life. He probably at one point threw a huge tantrum in the middle of the store, crying and kicking and screaming until he got the toy. He uses this threat of suicide, because it works. He threatens, because making threats is his way of forcing, of gaining compliance, of navigating his world as successfully as possible.

I’ve dealt with these people for decades, in my career, in my life, and many times in this very forum. I had one person in the forum try to blame me for choosing to cut themselves. It was an attempt to use a tool that for them has worked again and again.

People that threaten suicide move on to a new person when you refuse to play the game, when you refuse to feel guilty for the choices they are making. Cut yourself? Commit suicide? That is on them, not me. Don’t try that guilt game on me, because I just shut you down and move on. There are so many other people in this world that won’t play that game. I prefer to associate with those people.

There are plenty of people that are willing to play the game. There are plenty of people that respond and jump whenever someone makes threats or uses guilt. It is a symbiotic relationship, one cannot exist without the other. If no person ever felt guilt, then using guilt as a tool would never work and would cease to exist. Guilt works, because plenty of people are willing to play the game on both sides.

]]>2018-12-19T04:25:34+00:002018-12-19T04:25:34+00:00https://www.uncommonforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=106856&p=903751#p903751I was in the same spot. Ex blamed his depression for a break up. I let him lead me on for 5 weeks afterwards and then he started to distance himself.

I went overseas to clear my head from the break up (September). While there I confronted him about a text I saw the day we broke up. He promised that it was nothing. I told him that I didn’t want to accuse him or anything but had to find out for myself for my own sanity. This was 2 months after the break up and I was driving myself insane from overanalysing everything.

5 days later was when he started to block me on social media. First Instagram, a week later Facebook. I asked him and he said that it was on the advice of his doctor to distance himself from social media. Ha! Then why was I the only one he deleted. What a lie! Then he unblocked me on Facebook in October and unfriended a mutual friend. At this stage I hadn’t spoken to him since I asked about Facebook. I went through situational depression and had deactivated my facebook so he couldn’t block me again.

In November I sent him a quick text about a present he got me at the beginning of the year. He responded positively and straight away.

Later in November I had so much hurt in me about what had happened a couple of weeks before the break up and afterwards that I sent an email. It wasn’t nasty. During the whole time I kept my thoughts to myself as I didn’t want to upset him. Silly of me! So I just got some things off my chest and told him how wonderful he was etc. 2 days later he removed the rest of our mutual friends from Facebook. A couple of weeks later I updated my employment on LinkedIn. He then removed the connection from there.

That was it from me. After everything he did to me, it only became more and more clear that he is very emotionally unstable. He made promises before the break up that he broke. I put up with a lot and he is acting like I am the worse person in the world. I have come to realise that I deserve better than what I have been getting from him. I always wanted to make him happy but I forgot about my needs. When I stood up for myself, he distanced himself further. I won’t accept him back into my life until he becomes emotionally stable, which will be a long way away. You set the standard of how you let someone treat you. Even though this man hasn’t been in my life for a few months, he was still hurting me by these actions.

Im feeling emotionally dead, there has been progress but its so so tiny and veryyy slow. Social anxiety, confidence, mild depression is probably the main problems PAWS have gotten me. Basically i just feel horrible still, very rarely i have a good day. But i know i will get out of this sh**, people have went through it before and came out better on the other side. Maybe when i pass 1 year changes will happen.

What i will never understand is why one time smoking weed would cause PAWS? I thought PAWS happened to addicts because the brain gets out of chemical balance.

Hey @TheGraetDane, I can confirm that my case is PAWS. From a Document that I read, I found that PAWS comes when the user's THC store is released. when people smoke MJ, the THC gets stored somewhere in the body. that is why we get sober the next day. and when the THC quantity in our body become much, the body release it and that's why people experience its effects even without smoking it. getting back to my case, because I consumed too much MJ at that time, may be my body didn't even store the THC . each one of us has its own body function. Some people smoke more than 10 years before the THC gets released. some people, however, do not exceed one month to get to that point. I know it is still paws and not anything else. Good luck to all of us during our journey.

]]>2018-12-18T06:28:19+00:002018-12-18T06:28:19+00:00https://www.uncommonforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=92690&p=903747#p903747You said you started smoking around high school, I was the same around 17 I started, maybe a total of 4 years-ish with somewhat frequent smoking.

I wanted to ask you about that 2014 time when you said you were at your worst essentially. What was your functioning like? Your memory, DP etc?

I've been through 2 recoveries and on my 3rd. The DP is quite bad but mainly the memory is shocking. I feel like I can't concentrate on anything for more than 15-20 seconds and i almost forget where I am and have to keep refreshing what I'm doing. And I can usually only just remember what I ate today and rarely yesterday etc. This makes work, socialising etc near impossible as I can't hold converstions down. I play music but can't really anymore due to my time perception and memory being off.

Could you describe where you were at your worst and subsequently where you were at your best?

thegreatdane wrote:What i will never understand is why one time smoking weed would cause PAWS? I thought PAWS happened to addicts because the brain gets out of chemical balance. Anyways, im not questioning your story, of course what you are experiencing is 100 percent real and is PAWS. Just keep going man and we will all heal! Im at my 11 month and i still feel bad, this year has been hell for me. IM 21 and smoked for 3 years. Very rarely i get a good day, but its very very rare. We just got to look at the positives, keep having hope. We will recover