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Friday, January 21, 2011

Occasionally, I'm going to rant about some nonsense and try to tie it into baseball. I can't promise it will always work. But let's see what happens.

Easily my favorite thing about minor league baseball is the caloric killers that teams invent to see if they can get your Uncle Jeb to sweat beef in August. In light of Ohio falling from 10th to 12th in percentage of obese residents, the Akron Aeros have stepped up their game for 2011. So tuck that bib into your moo moo and say a prayer for that elastic waistband, let's see what the Aeros are going to fill your lunch wheelbarrow with this season.

Three Dog Night

Unveiled in December, the Three Dog Night makes the Dodger Dog look like a cocktail wiener (hee-hee). Pure emasculation. Here's the full description...

Named after the late-60s rock band that popularized the song “Joy to the World,” the Aeros will be serving up a trio of ballpark favorites…all in one edible item. That is correct: the Three Dog Night will consist of a hot dog, inside of a bratwurst, inside of a kielbasa. And if that isn’t enough, the entire “dog” will be stuffed inside of a hoagie roll and topped with sauerkraut.

Weighing in at over a pound and an estimated 3,300 calories, the TDN is sure to shut down at least a few arteries. But at just $7, you might as well order a few. I assume your wife has your cardiologist on speed dial anyway. Huh, fatty?

Nice 2 Meat You Burger

This is the true inspiration of this post. I mean, who doesn't want their heart attack to come from a food pun? It's every mid-westerners dream. It looks like the Fifth Third Burger has finally met its match. Here are the deets...

Doubling the weight of the Three Dog Night, the new burger comes equipped with a 1.75 pounds of hamburger meat, stuffed with a half pound of hot dog, and a quarter pound of bacon, cheese, and onions.

The Nice 2 Meat You comes served on two kaiser rolls and, if you finish it, a bucket of shame and regret. Look at that thing. I'm not even sure how you would go about eating it but I'm pretty sure the ability to unhinge your jaw is a prerequisite.

The scariest part is that the Aeros plan on revealing one more gut buster before the season begins. My guess is a deep dish pizza made up of layers of hamburger and hot dogs topped with chili and M&Ms.