Yesterday, GF decided to brave the December 26th crowd and go to the Port Covington Wal-Mart. I forget the exact reason for going in the first place, but she stuck around and enjoyed some of the post-holiday sales. While in the Holiday Clearance (née Chrismas decorations) aisle, she got into a conversation with a woman about something and they began to search the shelves for a specific item.

In those few seconds, someone took her cart, leaving another one in its place. Her purse was in the cart. There was a little looking around, and someone called Wal-Mart's security. They kept asking her if she took the wrong cart, and it was easily ten minutes before someone could be persuaded to call the police. In the meantime she called me and I got on the phone to the bank to put a halt on her cards. They were reluctant at first (because, after all, I'm not her), but finally agreed to do it, probably because we have a joint account. They wouldn't order new ones, though. She had to come in and do that part herself.

So she talks to the police and someone in the store found several of the items that used to be in her cart, but not the purse itself. She leaves the store with a police report in her hand, and thank goodness she put her car keys in her pocket rather than the purse. She asks me to take her to the MVA so she can get a duplicate license (she can't drive herself without a license, right?).

Into the Mondawmin MVA and she pulls ticket #A-161. We look at the board and it's up to A-138. Yeah, this'll be a while. I offer to go to the 7-Eleven across the street to get us couple of beverages. Before I get in, Daughter calls from the house: Wal-Mart has found the purse and the driver's license is still inside. Woo Hoo! In your FACE, MVA! Out we go and back to Port Covington, where the purse was found when an employee swept one section of the store for throwbacks. It wasn't completely intact (a set of keys was missing, and a prescription slip for medication for her grandmother), but that was about it.

So negative points for the security weenies taking so long to get around to calling the cops, but positive points for the folks who found the purse, realized it was the one that had disappeared earlier and turned it in.

December 24, 2006

The Old Man: He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny. Mother: He does not! The Old Man: He does too, he looks like a pink nightmare.

—A Christmas Story (1983)

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Well, there were no pink bunny suits at the 7:45 show. Oh well. We had fun nonetheless, even if it became clear at the end that we were just watching the DVD and not a specially-produced digital version (We got the DVD menu, where the screen remained for a few minutes before I left). Also missing from the DVD, at least the 20th anniversary version, is the scene involving Randy and a Thanksgiving skit.

"???", the film you're thinking of is called It Runs in the Family, which was released in 1994, and is considered a sequel. The only person to return to the cast was Tedde Moore, who played Ralphie's teacher. And Jean Shepherd narrated again. So do with that what you will.

And, for the record, I came out of the Senator with yet another runny nose and the watery eyes. So it's not all about the Capra.

December 23, 2006

People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order, so they'll have good voice boxes in case there's ever anything really meaningful to say.

—Kurt Vonnegut, Cat's Cradle (1963)

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I wasn't going to post this, since I saw it on Danielle's site and I tend not to carry stuff over even when I participate. But then I saw the result.

You're Cat's Cradle!by Kurt VonnegutYou believe quite firmly that free will deserted you long ago and far away. As a result, it's hard to take responsibility for anything. Even though you show great potential as a leader of a small 3rd world country, the choices are all made ahead of time. You're rather fond of games involving string. Your fear of nuclear weaponry is trumped only by your fear of ice.Take the Book Quiz at the Blue Pyramid.

For what it's worth, it's a coincidence that I prefer most of my drinks without ice. Coincidence! You hear me!?

Narrator: Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl.

—A Christmas Story, 1983

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I heard that the Senator Theater broke new records for both admission and its food intake at the Maryland Food Bank benefit a couple of weeks ago. If you participated, good for you! Take a bow!

We have word now that the Senator is running another benefit, this one to help fund the restoration of the theater. They're running a digital presentation of A Christmas Story. This will be going on tomorrow, Christmas Eve, and admission is $5.00. However, you can get in for free, and get free popcorn and beverage, if you come to the theater dressed in a full pink bunny suit. The offer, however, is limited to the first 300 participants per show. Personally I find it interesting (and a little scary) that there's a concern that more than one-third of the potential audience might show up dressed like that. But what the hell. I'll be at the 7:45 show, sans Bunny Suit but with GF, Daughter and Wee One in tow.

KRAMER: Hey! Happy Festivus, everyone! (Hugs George, and jumps up and down) Hee, hee, hee!BOOKIE: Hello again, Miss Benes.ELAINE: What are you doing here?BOOKIE: Damnedest thing.. me and Charlie were calling to ask you out, and, uh, we got this bagel place..KRAMER: (Finishing the story) I told them I was just about to see you.. It's a Festivus miracle!

—Seinfeld, "The Strike", December 18, 1997

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The story is already gone from the Baltimore Sun's website, but a few of the Ravens, celebrating the team's entry into the playoffs, have designed T-shirts that commemmorate both that event and the Seinfeld-based holiday. At least part of the proceeds will go to the players' individual charities. You can get them at Greetings & Readings (which is where I swiped the image from), plus the Stadium Sports at the Inner Harbor (the pavilion on the Light Street side) and at The Sports Page in Marley Station. I think there's a fourth place, but I can't remember for sure.

(Edit: I originally said that Champs in Marley had the shirts, but it turns out that they don't. However, they keep telling people that they're out of them and don't bother sending people to Sports Page. Way to get with the spirit of the giving, Champs.)

GF was in the Towson area and I sent her to G&R to get one for me. She said that they're going pretty quickly, but the shipments are frequent and Greetings & Readings will issue rainchecks. Also be forewarned that the shirts tend to run a little on the small side.

December 18, 2006

Bill Cosby: I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"

—Bill Cosby: Himself (1983)

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For a couple of years before I moved to Baltimore I used to do a few recreational drugs.

(Hi, Mom's Spy! Watch her keel over when you report THAT one!)

Among them was cocaine. I didn't do a lot of it; just the occasional weekend's worth. I think I had about a $200-per-month habit. And I shared it. So we're really not talking about a huge amount. But I did it, and I'm pretty upfront about it. But I haven't used it since I moved down here, so I'm several years down that road.

Don't think it's been easy; the stuff is still available all around me; it's just that most of the people who were pointed out to me as dealers are parents of students I'm working with. And that is all kinds of bad news on so many levels.

So this past weekend I'm doing my holiday party, which is mostly co-workers and their significant others, and it turns out that one spouse, whom I will call S to keep his initial innocent, quit drinking about two weeks ago. He wasn't the kind of guy who needed to drink all day; he was more of a Come Home and Get Snockered at the End of the Day kind of person. But he did this every night, so that's going to interfere with your overall functioning.

He and I know each other fairly well, so he felt comfortable telling me about it, and how he apparently went through these terrible D.T.'s and the medications that the doctors gave him and whatever else, and I wasn't contributing much to this conversation, so I finally started telling him about the coke I did before I came down. Except I didn't tell him that I wasn't hooked on the stuff, and that I was doing (in the grand scheme of things) laughably small amounts. I even went a step farther, telling him that my brain stil perks up once in awhile when I smell non-dairy creamer or powdered baby formula, since they're used to step on the cocaine. But he seemed to feel a little better when the conversation turned from Confessional to Group Therapy.

December 16, 2006

Jerry: I don't understand. Do you have my reservation? Rental Car Agent: We have your reservation, we just ran out of cars. Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation. Rental Car Agent: I think I know why we have reservations. Jerry: I don't think you do. You see, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation. And that's really the most important part of the reservation: the holding. Anybody can just take them.

—Seinfeld, "The Alternate Side" (1991)

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So I'm out there shopping for stuff for my annual holiday party, which is tonight. My first stop is Wal-Mart down in Port Covington.

I don't much like Wal-Mart these days. I know it's fashionable to be on the Wal-Mart Hate Train these days, but it's not usually Wal-Mart personally. And I go through cycles. I hate Wal-Mart today, then I'll like them again when they open up the Lansdowne store, then I'll hate them again for awhile.

Anyway.

I'm going to Wal-Mart because I have to exchange a set of lights that GF bought last night. Turns out that half of them don't light up. So I head to the store. If you know the place, you'll recall that there's a long driveway that passes the Sam's Club and terminates in a three-way intersection with a stop sign on all three sides. I get to that intersection and it's busy-ish. So I stop, let the cars on the other two sides proceed, then move through and make the left. The car to my right doesn't even pretend to stop and nearly wipes me out. This, of course, means that it's incumbent upon that person to give me the dirty look because I took the oddball stance of, you know, following the law.

The ironic part is that today is "Shop With A Cop" day at Wal-Mart. I'm still not sure what the gestalt of that is, but it means that there were about 900 cop cars in the parking lot. It also means that you get to hear the phrase "Please bring the kids to Layaway" over the PA system, which inexplicably cracked me up. So there are convenience stores all over the city getting knocked over because all the police are in Port Covington, and nobody saw this asshat nearly kill me.

I go into the store and I'm second in line to make the exchange. The person at the desk finishes with the person ahead of me, and the phone rings. It's an inside line, so this woman is taking a call from somewhere else inside the store. After a minute of chitchat, she reaches across the counter, takes the bag and my receipt (she's still on the phone, mind you), starts punching into the register, scanning receipt and box and whatever else, shoves a receipt at me to sign. Then she hangs up the phone and tells me that "$7.86 will be credited back to your account in four or five business days."

I look at her and say, "Okay. I wanted to exchange it, but whatever."

She gets indignant with me and tells me, "You should have told me that."

I said, "You didn't bother asking me."

Asshat. If the human being in front of her isn't as important as the telephone, then something's wrong with her.

But here's the flip side: After Wal-Mart, I went to the Shoppers Food at the Southside Shopping Center. "Shoppers Food," by the way, is one of the worst supermarket names I've ever heard of. But I digress. I'm in the checkout line and the woman in front of me is about ninety years older than god. She's moving slowly, she's got a bit of a palsied shake to her, she can't hear very well. The cashier was very nice and very patient and took the time to put the bags in her cart for her, then found someone to help her get her stuff outside to the car. So, good for the Shoppers Food cashier. If ever there was a good reason to be stuck in the line, that was it.

Some of the people in Baltimore City government issue occasional updates or reports that are available via email. "Here's what's happening in this district of Baltimore," etc. kind of thing. Among the senders of these bits, most of which are actually informative, is Sheila Dixon. You can subscribe to her newsletter by clicking here.

Yesterday I got a follow-up email with the following message:

Dear Friends:

We found a mistake in the most recent edition of the Dixon Report. On nights when the temperature drops below freezing, the City issues a 'Code Blue' alert, not a 'Cold Blue' as was typed in the Report. Also, there was a typo in the report with word 'season'. The errors have been corrected with the Dixon Report that is posted to the City Council website. As always, thank you for your feedback. Your responses are reassuring that Mayor-designee Dixon is getting her message out effectively.

Sincerely,

City Council President Dixon's Staff

Got that? These are the people that we're paying to craft the message that goes out to the world at large. "Cold Blue", indeed. No wonder this city doesn't get much respect.

December 12, 2006

Hannibal Lecter: Amputate a man's leg and he can still feel it tickling. Tell me, mum, when your little girl is on the slab, where will it tickle you?

Silence of the Lambs, 1991

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You hear stories all the time about people who lose a hand but can feel the missing fingers twitching. In Esquire this month there's an article by a guy who lost both legs and one arm below the elbow while on tour in Iraq. He says something about how his knee itches, or his feet tingle once in awhile.

So here's my question: How come I don't get phantom pains from my foreskin?

Portly Gentleman: At this festive time of year, Mr. Scrooge, it is more than usually desirable that we should make some slight provision for the poor and destitute, who suffer greatly at the present time. Ebenezer Scrooge: Why?

—A Christmas Carol (1951)

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Once again, today the Senator Theatre up on York Road held its annual food drive for the Maryland Food Bank. Attendees were expected to bring $5 worth of nonperishable food, or $5 cash, which would all go to the Food Bank. In exchange, you'd get a ticket to see It's a Wonderful Life and/or the 1951 edition of A Christmas Carol. (You can watch one, or stay for both.)

The films are loaned to the Senator for the day by an anonymous film collector. I don't know what the total costs to Tom Kiefaber, the owner of the Senator, are, but it's not happening for free on his end either. So there are a couple of people who have earned their wings right here on Earth.

My only complaint has to be with the theater itself. Don't get me wrong; it's a gorgeous building and you can't possibly go wrong with a single-screen theater. There are so few of those left. But there's something in there that triggers my allergies.

I'm not covering up. I'm the first to admit that It's a Wonderful Life, especially larger-than-life, has a few moments that can choke me up. But as soon as I sit in the theater my nose fills up and my eyes start to water. It looks like I'm getting all misty over the Tom & Jerry cartoon they show first.

Someday...one of these years, I'm going to remember to pop a Benadryl before I go in there.

The Cast

Our former next-door neighbors. Their given names begin with neither S nor B, although the names that everyone calls them do begin with S and B. Go figure.

Wee One

Wife's daughter, who is almost eighteen years old. An artist and aspiring actress who spends an inordinate amount of time getting physical therapy. She'll be starting college in the fall. We'll be in debtor's prison by the spring.

Daughter

My 25-year-old daughter, a college graduate from SUNY New Paltz and working in the world of theater, making props. Currently her work can be seen on the campus of the University of North Carolina in Durham, with the Playmakers.