McSWEENEY'S INTERNET TENDENCY'S PATREON

Global Warming

According to Al Gore, there are two kinds of truths. “Convenient Truths,” like how Gore was almost President of the United States and would’ve made sure something good had happened on September 11th, 2001, and “Inconvenient Truths,” like how global warming is slowly turning the Earth into the Sun. Yet some disagree with Gore and believe global warming isn’t so much an Inconvenient Truth as it is a God-Damned Lie.

Is the Earth’s climate really getting warmer? If so, is mankind responsible or does the Earth just want to get hotter, like any prospective Abercrombie & Fitch model? Are the polar caps really melting and the oceans spiking in temperature? If so, is there anything we can do to reverse the process or should we just enjoy watching the planet slowly die like the soul of an Abercrombie & Fitch model?

In this article, I’ll entertain the claims of conspiracy theorists and debunkers alike, and then entertain myself with my own rebunking theories regarding global warming. Hopefully by the end we’ll all be a little more like Al Gore: possess an understanding of climate change and be separated from a woman called Tipper.

Debunking Claim: Both of Coleman’s claims are misleading or downright false. Also, he hasn’t worked with the Weather Channel in over 30 years and has never conducted actual climate change research.

Rebunking Claim: If scientists are to be believed, and the believability tests conducted by scientists assure us that they are, then the carbon dioxide created by burning fossil fuels such as gas, oil, and coal is one of the main contributors to global warming. Gas, oil, and COAL. John Coleman (or *COAL*man), realized that if global warming is proven true, his last name will be synonymous with something that devastated the planet, tarnishing his identity forever. It’d be like being named Brian Exxon-Valdez, or Katrina Hurricane, or Stacy Macarena. Coleman doesn’t need facts or research to know his name is at stake, and if he has to lie about how big the ice caps are or paint a few brown bears white, give them Coca-Colas and ship them to the Arctic, he’s going to do it.

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Conspiracy Claim: Any global warming is just natural variability that will abate over time and is not caused by humans. The Earth is billions of years old and this is just a short phase.

Debunking Claim: The planet’s age and past weather phases are already taken into account when developing climate models, and the scientific consensus is that they cannot explain the recent warming trend.

Rebunking Claim: If the Earth itself can go through phases, Ice Ages and Greenhouse Ages, science can as well. Right now we may very well be living in a period of science known as the Incorrect Age where all of science is simply wrong. If that’s true, science’s assertion that global warming is real actually means the opposite. It also means all of the scientific facts we “know” as true are just as wrong. The Earth doesn’t revolve around the Sun, the periodic table isn’t fun, babies should be called ugly, and Neil deGrasse Tyson is dead. Hopefully science will soon enter the Correct Age, when all of the truths of the universe will be revealed. Too bad Neil won’t be around to see it.

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Conspiracy Claim: If real, global warming is actually beneficial for the planet. Warmer weather means increased plant growth in northern areas, more usable land for farming, and longer growing seasons. Famines will be things of the past.

Debunking Claim: Despite potential short term benefits, global warming’s effects will have a catastrophically negative impact on humans, animals, and the entire planet.

Rebunking Claim: A warmer climate will mean more usable land and hotter seasons, but there’s not a chance in Hell (the endgame for the warming Earth) that a bunch of seed planting, tractor kissing, pitchfork marrying farmers will take advantage of it before a group of money making, opportunity seizing, tractor kissing (but only in jest) waterpark developers jump on the chance. A hot planet means anything that can become a waterpark, will become a waterpark. It’s this very reason that waterpark developers started, perpetuated, and refuse to end global warming. Thankfully we’ll get to cool off in an enjoyable way before the Four Inner-tubemen of the Apocalypse come winding down the lazy river.

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Conspiracy Claim: We don’t have to worry about global warming since humans always evolve to survive their problems. It’s too late to stop climate change, but a technological fix is bound to come along when we need it.

Debunking Claim: It is not too late to stop climate change. There are many things that can be done to slow or lessen the effects of global warming. Plus, relying on a technological cure-all, which isn’t close to existing, is terribly foolish and negligent.

Rebunking Claim: Disney has already confirmed a sequel to their movie Frozen. I don’t think it’s that big of a leap to assume that Frozen 2 won’t be a movie at all, but some sort of quasi-magical weather altering device that will combat Earth’s rising temperatures with Disney-On-Ice beams of concentrated cold. Of course such a device could go out of control and bring about a new ice age, but that’s where Frozen 3: The Inferno Machine will step in. That will just be a movie, but we’ll be able to watch it from our snowed-in homes, and I’m sure it will be fun.

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Conspiracy Claim: With over 20 billion dollars spent annually around the world on climate change research and initiatives, it’s clear that global warming was invented solely for the financial gain of members and lobbyists of the environmental industry.