because parenting isn't perfect

Thanks but No Spanx

If you thought that shopping for swimming suits prior to birthing a child was some form of your own personal hell, like your very own Hunger Games but instead of being hunted down by Careers and fellow tributes you’re resigned to a slow death by being crushed by the three-way mirrors that close in on you while you’re horrified and staring at how fat you think you look in that tankini… then let me be the one to tell you that unless you’re the lucky über fit type or have the kinds of genes that make me loathe you, post children swimming suit shopping is a million times worse. If someone you think is your friend invites you swimming suit shopping, this is the surest sign they are in fact your frenemy, set out to ruin your day by dragging you through such a miserable ordeal, further evidence of this will be if you’re staring at yourself in those mirrors they claim make you look better, but really only make the super thin look, well super thin, and they say something like “no way that swimming suit makes you look like a cow, its super cute!!!” read “She looks like a total cow and I will look super cute compared to her this summer, mission accomplished!”.

My advice is if you’re going to take someone with you swimming suit shopping they should be someone in your very inner circle, relatives you like, best friends FOREVER, and probably not your husband unless he’s willing to actually tell it like it is and has a good eye for fashion. That being said let me tell you about a swimming suit idea that completely FAILED. Did you know there are Spanx swimming suits? I was meandering my way through Target today while waiting for a prescription, I think they purposely make you wait longer knowing you will spend more moola if required to spend at least 20 minutes in their store, and I saw that the swimming suit section was really well stocked. This is something that it will not be in a month. So I haul the kids over looking for a one piece so maybe I can actually take Brecken to his swimming lessons and for this summer. I must say this is one part of pregnancy I totally miss, the maternity swimming suit, it was cute, covered everything and no one cared that you looked like a total cow, it was expected and made you look even cuter.

spanx_powerpanty1 (Photo credit: Vince_Lamb)

Needless to say I saw some black one-piece suits and a black and white tankini and thought hey we’re here, we’ve got some time to kill and shlepped the kids to the fitting rooms. This is when I learned that Spanx makes swimming suits, when I glanced at the tags of thethe suits I was going to try on. First thought “These people are BRILLLLLLIIIIAAANNNNT” ( picture that in a sing-song voice in my head because that’s very much how it happened). A swimming suit that lifts and tucks, makes my stomach flat, what could be better than this. Clearly the spanx people are genius.

Then I tried one on and realized the major flaw to the brilliant idea. How the hell does someone put this on? These swimming suits are NOT stretchy, they are super spandex stiff in order to keep your stomach and middle nice and flat, which means I can’t pull the middle over my fat ass and I’ve grabbed a medium, but am pretty sure neither a large or extra large will remedy this and once on would not fit. Is there a zipper to this swimming suit? Perhaps it is like a giant onesie and there are buttons on the bottom so I can just slide it over my head (umm spanx this is a good idea you should consider it)? There are neither, I muscle my way into the first swimming suit, grateful that I’ve probably lost a few calories in the process and I’ll be honest it does actually flatten and lift in all the right places and isn’t too shabby minus the fact that I feel like I just finished a triathlon trying to get into it. Since this is something I will likely need to throw on while shlepping two kiddos around, I don’t think I can exert that much time and energy every time I need to wear a swimming suit regardless of the results. I decide to try the next one, which was the one I really liked to begin with. It’s NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, there is no way this suction tube is going to go over my legs and since it’s a one piece the only option is stepping in and pulling up.

If you’re thinking maybe I’m just in denial that I’ve returned to almost my normal size, I went to Spanx website and checked their measurements/guidelines for swimming suits and fall squarely in the small/medium category based on bust/waist/hip measurements and I tried on a medium swim suit. I had absolutely no problem with their tankini with its two pieces coming on super easily I just didn’t love the pattern. I also really wanted a one-piece so as to avoid that horrible moment when I am splashing around with the kids only to discover my tankini top has suddenly flipped up exposing my no longer remotely flat stomach. So after spending a horror filled twenty minutes in the dressing room trying on swimming suits with two small children, I said thanks but no Spanx and can now look forward to the hell that is swimming suit shopping again some other day!

That would be FABULOUS!!! Also assuming you’re not swimming in ice water I think it helps traps your body heat and would be extra sunblock so clearly there could be good health reasons for doing it as well!