Monday, November 30, 2009

Knitting for Samuel

I knit.

I learned to knit beyond your basic scarf when I was 7.5 months pregnant with Isabel and had just found out she was going to die after she was born. I had a desperate need to do something for her. To have something that I could give her.

I wanted her to know her Mama loved her and wanted her.

I have been knitting like crazy ever since.

I had been sort of 'stuck' knitting baby items before I got pregnant with Samuel. I just kept knitting and knitting little pink baby socks. I couldn't help myself. It was a little embarassing. But they were so cute and I thought maybe...maybe someday we'd have someone to wear them.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was so excited to be able to spend my pregnancy knitting for a baby we could keep. It was so fun. I knit diaper soakers in generic colors. I knit this baby sleep sack. I was really looking forward to holding him in this.

After we found out that Samuel would likely not live, then I went into overdrive again because this was it. There was only now and that would be all we had. Once again, they told me he could die at anytime in the womb, he would likely be small so there was a need to knit everything in many sizes starting with tiny.

It did give me something to do.

A way to cope.

A purpose.

I chose these buttons for Papa. My husband is a bow hunter and he would have taught Samuel to be a hunter as well.

Beautiful knitting! You do such a lovely job. You should really consider auctioning some specially made knits that you feel comfortable auctioning off, maybe to benefit Samuel and Isabel??...you really do a great job!**Hugs** from a blog reader!! ;)

Samuel

Isabel

Summary

Our family was excitedly expecting our 4th baby and planning another homebirth like all the rest when an ultrasound at 7.5 months showed Isabel had no kidneys. This is called Bi-Lateral Renal Agenesis or Potter's Syndrome. A baby with no kidneys does not urinate, therefore there is no amniotic fluid. The amniotic fluid is what the baby breathes in and out of the lungs, which also develops the lungs and prepares them for breathing air. We were told there was no possibility that Isabel would live after birth. Her lungs would not function. So we prayed and waited for Isabel to be born. We did not know how long she would live.

Our 5th baby, Samuel, was stillborn October 21, 2009 due to Trisomy 13.

How to Cope

Grieving parents may feel a sense of emptiness for weeks, months or years after experiencing their loss. The grief felt over losing a baby through premature birth or from a fatal birth defect is one of the most intense. All parents must feel free to express their love for the baby they have lost. Some of the difficult and painful aspects of grieving for the loss of a baby are listed here:

Engorgement and milk in the breasts can be a painful physical reminder for a mother that she has no baby to nurse.

Fathers need opportunities to express their grief in their own way. It is important to realize that each individual grieves differently.

Parents often need assistance in talking with their other children about the baby's death.

Grandparents often grieve for their grandchild, and may also find it difficult to deal with the pain of their children.

Family members and friends often find it hard to talk about the baby, and inappropriate remarks may cause further grief.

Seeing pregnant women and babies is often painful for months after the loss of a baby.

Anniversaries of the baby's birth and death often bring back parents' feelings of grief and loss.