Conservative Propaganda

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Tuesday, March 28, 2006

More Human Remains Found Near WTC

Construction workers cleaning the Deutsche Bank building across the street from the site of the former World Trade Center in New York City have found four more parts of human beings murdered on September 11, 2001. The building has been searched before for remains, and bone fragments have been found over the last year, but the current set of remains were uncovered by workers cleaning toxic waste from the building before it is dismantled. The Deutsche Bank building was damaged in the fall of the towers and has remained unoccupied since.

The remains will be tested for DNA in hopes of matching the 40% of the estimated 2749 people annihilated by radical Muslims that day for whom no remains have been found. If no DNA match is made, they will join the 9000 pieces of humans kept in storage in hope that future technology will be able to identify them.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Taking The Breakup A Bit Too Hard

Jakub Fik, 33, a Pole residing in Chicago was having big, big problems with his girlfriend back in Poland so he went on a freaking rampage in his neighborhood, smashing car windows and breaking into an unoccupied home, where the cops cornered him. Somewhere in the middle of his rampage, Fik decided to cut off his penis. As the police moved in to restrain him, he flung a bunch of knives at them along with his penis in a clever but ineffective ploy to distract them. After he went back for a second set of knives, Chicago Police Sgt. Edward Dolan of the 16th District Tasered him into submission. Says Dolan, "About 10 feet from the front porch, right on the sidewalk, was his penis." According to expert opinion, the sidewalk is the last place you should keep your penis. Nor did this dramatic act solve Fik's girlfriend problems, but rather accentuated them.

Dr. Greg Bales, associate professor of urology at the University of Chicago, gave a good prognosis for recovery, "As long as the penis is placed on ice and reattached within a few hours, the success is usually pretty good." That's a handy fact to keep in the back of your mind when you have girlfriend trouble.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Send In The Human Shields

Peace activist Tom Fox, 54, trekked to Iraq with three other members of a Christian Peacemaker Team, based in Chicago, to campaign against the US occupation. Fox was concerned that the US was "dehumanizing" Iraqis and killing innocents there. So a group calling itself "Swords of Truth" kidnapped all four of them, beat Fox with electrical cables, and shot him in the head. They left his body in a Baghdad garbage dump.

My first thought is maybe the pacifists need reinforcements. Obviously, there are not enough to get the job done. My second thought is to send in the human shields to protect the pacifists. However you look at it, the whole pacifist effort in Iraq is bogged down in a quagmire.

It also reminds me of that scene in the original 1953 "War of the Worlds" where the military is hunkered down in a bunker, ready to fire upon the Martians, when Pastor Collins decides he can resolve the conflict by simply talking it out with the alien invaders. You see, they just misunderstand each other. He walks out to the Martian ships, Bible in hand. The Martians eyeball him with their flexible periscopes and then BLAST HIM TO BITS! The Martians don't do pacifism.

It also reminds me of the joke post making the rounds of the net about educating pacifists. You punch the pacifist as hard as you can in the face and when he gets mad you say, wait a minute, let's talk this over. I didn't mean to deck you. It was a mistake. Hey, I'm sorry. Then, when he goes to shake your hand and accept your apology, punch him as hard as you can in the face. Repeat as necessary.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Blonds To Be Extinct In Two Centuries

According to a scientific study, blonds were a mutation in the human population which occurred at least ten thousand years ago and who immediately stole all the brunettes boyfriends. Unfortunately, blond domination has crested and is now in decline because an insufficient number of people carry the blond gene, dooming blonds to go the way of the brontosaurus. The World Health Organization sadly reports that the last blond will be born in Finland in 2202, after which brunettes will have more fun at last.

Update: OK, so it turns out this story is a hoax but it's just too good to take down.

Bombs Away Over Iran in 2007

Terrence Henry, in his article "Bombing Iran" in the April edition of The Atlantic Monthly gives the odds of going to war with Iran as calculated by tradesports.com:

4 to 1 odds against an air strike by the US or Israel by June 30, 2006. It's election year in both countries. Too risky for politicians.

3 to 1 odds against an air strike by the US or Israel by December 31, 2006. The elections are over but sanctions and democracy have not had time to dig in yet.

2 to 1 odds against an air strike by March 31, 2007. If the Iranians don't halt their progress toward developing a nuke, the political window for military action begins to open after the first quarter of the year. Strikes on essential facilities of the Iranian development program begin to become possible.

Home Sweet Gitmo

The US has released 267 prisoners from its prison at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba and plans to release another 123, but many don't want to leave, believing they are safer in Gitmo than on the outside. Many prisoners from Uzbekistan, Yemen, Algeria and Syria are terrified of returning home, believing they will go to a real dungeon, not a playhouse prison like Gitmo. Says one Syrian prisoner, "You've been saying 'terrorists, terrorists.' If we return, whether we did something or not, there's no such things as human rights. We will be killed immediately. You know this very well." Hmmm. I thought the lefties were saying there were no human rights at Gitmo. Looks like the Gitmo guys see it differently. While the terrorists claim they are not afraid to die, they seemed to be very afraid of getting killed.

Even worse, Gitmo prisoners fear their fellow terrorists. Yasim, a Saudi drug dealer and terrorist who attended terror training by Al Qaeda in Afghanistan, doesn't want to be set free, "I can't go back to my country. I have been threatened to be killed by many people." I guess Yasim was hoping all the terror would be directed outside when he hooked up with Al Qaeda terrorists, not against each other. Another illusion shattered. He shouldn't believed all those promises from the recruiter when he signed up.

Gitmo gets the coveted four stars rating for incarceration from Abdul Hakim Bukhary of Saudi Arabia, who claims he is innocent of fighting America in Afghanistan because the Taliban jailed him before he got a chance. He finds Gitmo infinitely superior to Taliban jail. Says Bukhary, "Prisoners here are in paradise. American people are very good. Really. They give us three meals. Fruit juice and everything!"

You're very welcome, Abdul. Take your shoes off and relax. Stay a while. Here's some more fruit juice.

Monday, March 06, 2006

The Wise Old Man

Mohammed at Iraq the Model woke up in Baghdad to a mortar duel between unknown combatants that lasted for hours. He and his Dad talked it over:

Me: How is this mess going to resolve dad?

Dad: it is not.

Me: Are you positive? Why?

Dad: People find solutions only if they wanted to and I think many of the political players do not want a solution.

Me: Is there a chance the situation will further escalate?

Dad: Most likely yes, we are a state still run by sentiments rather than reason which means it's a brittle state and any sentimental overreaction can turn the tide it in either direction.

Me: what kinds of challenges can make things worse?

Dad: Virtually anything…assassinating a leader, a fatwa, attack on a shrine like last time; we do not possess the institutions that can abolish the effects of severe sentimental reactions.

Me: Is there going to be no role for politics?

Dad: What politics are you talking about?! We are dealing with deeply-rooted beliefs…Yes, in politics everything is possible but with religion you find yourself before very few options to choose from and our people have mostly voted for the religious.

Me: And what's America's role here? Will they stand by and watch while things go against what the way they desire?

Dad: Why do you always put America in the face of the canon? America is a super power but it's not superman. These are our problems now and America has nothing to do with it. We have to fix our mess or no one will.

Me: But their interests and presence here makes Iraq's stability a top priority for them, right?

Dad: And this stability is not going to happen soon…Why do you always want things to be the way you like them? Failure exists just like success does.

Me: Will America leave Iraq?

Dad: Not now of course but they will at the nearest possible chance. Don't forget that America had been in the region long before 2003 and Iraq is not an irreplaceable base. Syria and Iran can be dealt with from Turkey of the gulf countries.

...

Me: Why do our politicians seek confrontation?

Dad: The religious seek death because after death comes heaven they believe…Do you want to deny them this dream?

Friday, March 03, 2006

Press On To Victory

Winston Churchill III, the grandson of the famous wartime prime minister of England, gave a speech on February 10th at the John Locke Foundation's anniversary dinner in Raleigh, North Carolina, in which he quoted his grandfather's 1921 estimate of the Saudi Wahhabis who now make war on the world:

"A large number of [Saudi Arabia’s King] Bin Saud’s followers belong to the Wahabi sect, a form of Mohammedanism which bears, roughly speaking, the same relationship to orthodox Islam as the most militant form of Calvinism would have borne to Rome in the fiercest times of [Europe’s] religious wars.

The Wahabis profess a life of exceeding austerity, and what they practice themselves they rigorously enforce on others. They hold it as an article of duty, as well as of faith, to kill all who do not share their opinions and to make slaves of their wives and children. Women have been put to death in Wahabi villages for simply appearing in the streets.

It is a penal offence to wear a silk garment. Men have been killed for smoking a cigarette and, as for the crime of alcohol, the most energetic supporter of the temperance cause in this country falls far behind them. Austere, intolerant, well-armed, and blood-thirsty, in their own regions the Wahabis are a distinct factor which must be taken into account, and they have been, and still are, very dangerous to the holy cities of Mecca and Medina…"

Winston's grandson proves himself equal to his grandfather in coldly evaluating the trend of current events:

"In Churchill’s day, of course, the viciousness and cruelty of the Wahabis was confined to the Saudi Arabia peninsula, and their atrocities were directed exclusively against their fellow Muslims, whom they held to be heretics for not adhering to the Wahabi creed — but not anymore.

Today the combination of the oil wealth of Saudi Arabia and the supine weakness of the Saudi royal family which — as the price for not having their own behavior subjected to scrutiny and public criticism by these austere, extremist clerics — has bank-rolled the Wahabi fundamentalist movement, and given these fanatical zealots a global reach to their vicious creed of hatred and extremism.

The consequence has been that the Wahabis have been able to export their exceptionally intolerant brand of Islamic fundamentalism from Mauritania and Morocco on Africa’s Atlantic shores, through more than two dozen countries including Bosnia, Chechnya, Afghanistan, Pakistan and the Middle East, to as far afield as the Philippines and East Timor in the Pacific. This is the stark challenge that today confronts the Western world and I fear it will be with us, not just for a matter of years, but perhaps even for generations.

Just in the past two weeks the temperature in the Middle East has risen markedly with three significant developments. First, we have seen the wild and furious reaction, whipped up by firebrand clerics throughout the Islamic world, to the publication some five months ago in a Danish newspaper of a cartoon depicting the prophet with a smoking bomb in his turban, as tattered suicide bombers were being greeted at the Muslim pearly gates by a gate-keeper shooing them away and shouting: “Get lost! We’ve run out of Virgins!” The fury that this mild piece of satire engendered, epitomizes the clash of civilizations that is the key factor confronting us today.

Secondly, the stunning election victory in the Palestinian elections of Hamas — a terrorist organization committed to the destruction of Israel — provided a rude shock to those in Washington who naively imagined that democracy would provide the answer to the problems of the Middle East. For many within the Beltway, free elections have been an article of faith, even though it was in a free election that Hitler first came to power, before establishing his Nazi dictatorship.

Such is the anger of the Moslem world against the West, inflamed by extremist clerics and fanned by the Al-Jazeera and Al-Arabia television networks, that truly democratic and free elections would result in the election of fundamentalist governments throughout the Muslim world. It is a frightening fact, that in 50 Muslim countries countless millions of Muslims tell pollsters that they regard Osama Bin Laden and Ayman al-Zawahiri as more trustworthy than President Bush.

The third and by far the most serious development, is the decision of the Iranian government of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to remove the U.N. seals from its nuclear research facilities. He it is who not only denies the Holocaust ever happened, but who declares that Israel is a “tumor” that should be “wiped off the map”! Some Western analysts state that the Iranian president doesn’t really mean what he says. There were, of course, many who said just that of Hitler’s Mein Kampf, and we saw the result.

Having reported events — including two wars — in the Middle East over the past 45 years, I think I know the Israelis well enough to say that Israel is not about to wait to find out whether or not the Iranian president means what he says. In 1981 Israel took decisive steps to take out Saddam Hussein’s Osirak nuclear facility with a long-range air strike. I do not see how she can fail to do the same in the case of the even greater threat posed to Israel by a nuclear-armed Iran.

This time it will not be so easy, as the mullahs have dispersed their nuclear facilities across 16 sites and built them deep underground, making them far more difficult to attack. But with 500 ‘bunker-busting’ bombs from the U.S. and precision-guidance technology they will certainly make a mess of the place. The whole Muslim world will be enflamed with outrage and Iran’s reaction may well be to deploy 100,000 guerrilla fighters to Iraq to fight the Americans and British — not a happy thought.

But even before these developments, siren voices could already be heard on Capitol Hill, raising the cry: “Bring the Boys home.” I tell you: Nothing could be more disastrous than if, at this juncture, the United States were to cut and run. It would, at a stroke, undermine those forces of moderation we are seeking to establish in power, betray our troops as they fight a difficult, but necessary, battle, and break faith with those of our soldiers who have sacrificed their lives to establish a free Iraq.

Gravest of all, we should be handing a victory of gigantic proportions to our sworn enemies. Let no one imagine that by pulling out of Iraq, the threat will simply evaporate. On the contrary, it will redouble, it will come closer to home and our enemies will have established in Iraq the very base that, by our defeat of the Taliban, we have denied them in Afghanistan. We shall see a desperately weakened United States, with its armed forces undermined and demoralized, increasingly at the mercy of our terrorist enemies.

Precipitate withdrawal is the counsel of defeatism and cowardice, which, if it holds sway, will immeasurably increase the dangers that today confront, not just America, but the entire Western world. It is something for which we shall pay a terrible price in the years ahead. When great nations go to war — and they should do so only as a last resort — they must expect to suffer grievous losses and must commit to war with an unconquerable resolve to secure victory."