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Yes, but will it make ME smart?

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After years of refusing to get a smart phone, I have finally relented. Not because I wanted to, or because it was even a good idea, but because my latest old school phone was surviving on prayers and hot glue. When I went to replace it…a similar piece of crap was $200, and the iPhone was free. Damn you, Verizon…you’ve countered my disdain of evolving phone technology, with my deep, unending love of being a cheap bastard. (bastardess?)

I am loath to admit this, but here it is…all of you were right. This might be the best thing ever. God damn if I don’t love this stupid phone, and it even lets me keep track of my Groupons, and thus makes my being cheap even easier.

Alas, I have a complaint. It’s about Siri…I don’t feel as though we speak the same language…either that, or my friends have some seriously fucked up names. The result of this is that I am CONSTANTLY calling the wrong people, which is…you know…off-putting.

The worst part of this is that there is literally no point in hanging up, as they KNOW you called, so now I either have to cop to the fact that I didn’t want to talk to them in the first place (http://soundfxnow.com/soundfx/Sad-Trombone.mp3), or, and this is sadly WAY more likely, I come up with some bullshit reason for me to be calling them. This has, unfortunately, led to a lot of uncomfortable conversations like the following:

Me: “Heyyyyyy, (checking phone) Caroline…”

Caroline (who is NOT Carolann, the person I was trying to call): “Hi? How…are you?”

Me: “Good, good…I was just checking…to see…how that thing went…with…your kid…and to tell you that Tracy is pregnant!”

Caroline: *pause* “Who’s Tracy?”

Frankly, it’s a good thing that she doesn’t know Tracy…because she’s totally not pregnant.

Notice how you can see the reflection of my new phone in the screen of my old phone. See, I can be all artsy and shit.