KIM K’S ASS AND OTHER GREAT TABLOID BRAIN FARTS OF 2015

In the sea of sensationalism that has become known as the daily news cycle, it is difficult to believe that anything is considered shocking anymore.

Scandals, tawdry details of sex and drugs, those in financial and government institutions using our hard earned tax dollars for cocaine and whores. They all seem like run of the mill page fillers, no?

Yet some saucy titbits still manage to whip us into a frenzy and Twitter into a melt down – and for, what I believe to be, no damned reason.

Because when you pull apart the facts, these so-called shocking revelations are no longer so shocking or, at least, they shouldn’t be.

This year alone we have seen a procession of trivial clap trap end up splashing the covers of our print media.

Here is a list of the three worst offenders:

DAVID CAMERON INSERTS “PRIVATE PARTS” INTO A PIG’S ORIFICE

It doesn’t get any better than this when it comes to salacious gossip.

It is rumoured that during his university years, the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, David Cameron, once shoved his willy into the mouth of a dead pig.

To add insult to injury, the pig head fellatio was part of Cameron’s initiation into Oxford University’s men-only dining club (read: drinking club), the Piers Gaveston Society.

After he was accepted, it is further alleged that Cameron engaged in group sex and copious amounts of drug taking.

Call the church elders! A university student has engaged in drug taking, sex and acts of grotesque stupidity!

And that’s all it was: a student, not Prime Minister, being a complete and utter twat.

Lord, if we were all judged on our capabilities to helm a state based on our behaviour at university, there’d be no one left to govern.

Furthermore, these allegations, that have since been vehemently denied, were made in an unauthorised biography of Cameron titled Call me Dave.

The biography was written by one Lord Ashcroft, a former Tory (Cameron’s party) donor whose allegiance with Cameron turned sour after the PM passed him over for a significant position in government.

He claims the shun was not motivation for printing such allegations.

Sure, buddy.

In my opinion, unless dead pig banging affects his ability to govern, let’s not go “breaking the internet” over how shocked we all are that some sour grapes Lord wrote a bio that describes, albeit extreme, student behaviour as stupid.

KIM KARDASHIAN’S ASS BREAKS THE INTERNET

Speaking of “breaking the internet”, let’s have a look at Paper Magazine’s attempt to do so by the use of Kim Kardashian’s oiled-up ass.

In a feature, titled “No Filter: An Afternoon with Kim Kardashian”, the artsy magazine called on famed photographer Jean-Paul Goude to recapture a few of his iconic stills from his 1982 book, Jungle Fever.

One image captures Kardashian popping a champagne bottle and catching its bubbly contents with a glass that is perched on her ample derrière – not unlike the image of Carolina Beaumont that Goude took in 1976.

Kim also features in various stages of undress. Though, the star of the show is her larger than life buttocks that she and the magazine utilised to reap havoc in an internet-breaking conspiracy.

And break it they did.

Once a few stills were released, social media self-combusted and Kim’s ass found itself in a storm of controversy.

There were attacks directed at the sheer size of her ass and the amount of retouching employed.

There were also opinion columns condemning the magazine’s decision to allow Goude to recapture Jungle Fever – a collection of photographs that is considered, by some, a savage portrayal of African women. Kim’s ass was now racist.

However, the majority took to Twitter to express how sick and tired they were of the Kardashians, especially since no one had a clue as to why she/they were famous.

You want to know why they’re famous? Because you want them to be. You crave their reality show, you want to see them on the cover of tabloids, endorsing products and baring all in Paper Magazine.

Remember, the media reciprocates what the consumer wants.

Do you see the paparazzi following Jane Goodall around? Who!? Exactly! (Go read a book, you a**hole).

So, when you put it all into context, it isn’t so shocking that you see Kim everywhere. Because you want her to be. And that includes her ass, too.

CAITLYN JENNER GRACES VANITY FAIR

While we’re on the subject of Kardashians, past and present, let’s take a look at the hoopla that Caitlyn Jenner, formerly known as Bruce Jenner, caused after gracing the cover of Vanity Fair.

Dressed in an ivory body suit, slightly angled on a stool, Jenner announced her transition to the world.

Commendable, given her previous role as a reality TV star, America’s beloved decathlon gold medalist, Captain America that took down the USSR at the 1976 Summer Olympics. Due to this, the whole world was watching.

Jenner further used her position to break away from the Kardashian clan and produce a reality show, I Am Cait, that captured not only her day-to-day experiences but the experiences of certain members of the trans community.

And while it may seem shocking that such a high profile player of the Hollywood elite would consider transitioning so publicly, what is more shocking is that, in this day and age, transitioning is still considered something to drop your jaw about.

For too long has the “T” in LGBTQ been considered simply a passing letter in an all-embracing community.

This has left us without adequate knowledge on the subject, an obsession with sex over gender, and an inability to create a welcoming and safe environment for those who have chosen the path of transition.

What’s the T? The “T” is it’s time to be less shocked over a former Olympian transitioning and more shocked over our lack of comprehension and recourses to aid our own trans communities.

IN SHORT

Let’s be more shocked over the fact that Robert Mugabe is helming the African Union, that 200 000 people have died in the war in Syria, or that countries are on the brink of bankruptcy, and less about the shenanigans of a booze-fuelled uni student turned UK Prime Minister.

Maybe worry about less about the size of Kim K’s ass and more about the voyeuristic desire within ourselves that compels us to consume everything this woman literally and figuratively shits out.

Let’s use the twists and turns in the lives of those who have the spotlight on themselves and use that as fuel to consider a new, fresh angle on any given topic.