Datastroyer Model 1000 Disintegrator
I'm a private security contractor who recently had a stint working for a certain well-known Empire that had a need to track down three fugitives and their small ship. The competition on this contract was tough, and I was looking forward to using my Datastroyer Model 1000 Disintegrator to really get the edge over the other contractors. Well, imagine my disappointment when the Imperial official in charge of the operation - a really difficult sort who always dresses in black just for dramatic flair - looked me right in the face and said: "No disintegrations!" All that time and effort put towards learning how to use my Disintegrator, totally ruined by the whims of a government bureaucrat! Fortunately, Amazon's returns policy was excellent, and I was able to return my... more

I now have a cricket infestation of my entire house because, assuming as any normal person would that they would be contained in some kind of critter container.

I cut open the outside box and HUNDREDS of crickets jumped out, on me, into my bedroom & the entire house. They are in my underwear drawer, closet, and crawling on my toothbrush. My roommate is always screaming. They drown in our coffee, eat my bread, and are on every wall, and scare the crap out of me by jumping on me while watching scary movies.

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Crayola - 8 Jumbo Crayons Assorted Colours
I bought these crayons as they are non toxic and I wanted to "spruce" up my dog a bit. He's plain white and as much as I love him he can be a bit boring to look at. So I thought I'd get these non toxic crayons to brighten him up and make him a bit more interesting. He'd be the centre of attention at the doggie park!

I drew a lovely murial of Tim Allen driving a red tractor type lawn mower in his back yard, but because he built it it wasn't working properly (any Home Improvement fans out there?). Anyone here with a dog will know how difficult it can be to get them to sit still for so long! But I managed it. After a day he licked the drawing off him! My work!

Poor old pooch vomited up my lovely drawing, we made some jokes that he was so... more

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Animal Planet PET20109 Raptor Dog Costume, Small
I bought this costume for my Pomeranian, because I thought it'd be awesome to have the coolest-looking dog on the block (take that, Mr. Wilson down the street!). At such a low price, I expected the typical dog costume: average materials, subpar stitching, all-around poor craftsmanship. However, once the Animal Planet PET20109 Raptor Dog Costume arrived, I knew that this was the Rolls-Royce of pet costumes.

The realistic patterns, right down to the raptor's jagged, death-bringing teeth, are perfect and completely believable. My dog seemed to like it and when I tried to remove it, he actually refused to let this happen by eating one of my index fingers.

Unfortunately, an old woman saw this happen and called the police, who immediately took my dog into armed custody. Since the costume is so... more

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DUCK CARCASS PRESS Free Shipping* [Matfer Bourgeat]
For many years I have wanted a duck press but just couldn't pull the trigger. A credit card and 2/3rds of a bottle of Jack cured me of that and I couldn't be happier. My only complaint is with the directions. No where in the directions does it say that you should only press dead ducks. Had I known this (or known how loud pressing a live duck could be) I wouldn't now be staring at 3 years for animal cruelty. more

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Datastroyer Model 1000 Disintegrator
I'm a coyote that lives in the desert and ordered this product to help catch a pesky roadrunner in the area. It arrived well-packaged and after covering it in tumbleweeds I put a pile of roadrunner pellets under it, as is my custom. In a few moments the roadrunner showed up and started eating the pellets so I turned away and snickered while pointing my thumb in his general direction as if to say, "He has no idea he's about to be disintegrated," but when I did I failed to notice a lynch pin had slipped out and the disintegrator had swung directly over my head. When I turned around, the roadrunner had finished the pellets and was looking at me so I scoweled at him and pushed the "On" button while maintaining eye contact. I was immediately disintegrated into a pile of ashes with two eyes so I minused... more

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Dove Men + Care Body and Face Bar, Deep Clean, 4 Ounce, 8 Count
I am fairly masculine and normally just use a homemade soap made from combining wood ash and animal lard, which is why I was skeptical of Dove's "Men +Care" soap. From first use, I was pleasantly surprised. It does not have a "flowery" or fragrant scent like Irish Spring or Lever, but smells very natural and subdued. The soap contains "purifying micro grains," which are little rough specks in the soap that exfoliate your skin and prevent it from drying out. The specks last the entire way through a bar of soap and are evenly distributed. I don't... more

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AVENGING NARWHAL PLAYSET
Some question the value and realism behind this toy. I feel that they do not completely comprehend the history of the AVENGING NARWHAL, and his profound significance.The AVENGING NARWHAL does not kill in vain. He is motivated by the slaughter of his family, in a heartless bloodbath, by the Penguin Cabal--supported by the all too guilty Baby Seal League. Driven by this tragedy, the AVENGING NARWHAL is compelled to pursue all the vicious enemies that might have led to the destruction of his pod. This, no doubt, includes Koalas Inc., a treacherous and ambitious corporation that moved their ill deeds to the seas when the boon of eucalyptus could no longer satisfy their greedy little fingers. Their CEO, Koala Bear, is a feature of this dynamic, chilling, and important play set.No educational value? I would say that it tells a story of true... more

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AVENGING NARWHAL PLAYSET
I noticed the safety warning on the front of the box about the "choking hazard," and I was very careful not to put this toy in my mouth, as much as I wanted to. However what this product SHOULD warn you about is the "impaling hazard." I was playing a little too roughly with the Avenging Narwhal and drove the magical ice tusk right through my xiphoid process. I guess you get the last laugh, Avenging Narwhal. more

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Aerobie Epic Golf Disc (Color May Vary)
I never thought I'd be here quivering, burrowed in the blackest crevice of my dwelling, frazzling with fright and scribbling this review. "The Aerobie Epic is just a myth," I'd heard from various voices before. But according to believers' claims, this disc could soar through time and space with the ravishing finesse of a raving gypsy's hips. Cautious whispers on the course warned of saucers spewing forth dark magic vortexes within the violent whirlwinds of a vicious "thumber" drive. I scoffed at such fanciful tales of plastic acrobatics and occultist wind sails. Superstitions cannot persuade me; I am a man of science, you see! But the same unyielding curiosity that brought you to this page led me to purchase one and see, just in case.

Thirty-seven suns have since succumbed to the horizon. My perception of this universe, and all the laws that make it one, has transformed irreversibly, I fear to say. The only scientific explanation for the flight... more

This one is big and bad and cost me pittance (in comparison to a diamond-encrusted gold super-yacht with a VIP 1 number plate carrying the crown jewels and 45 bankers' bonuses).

It has lots of pixels. In fact, I could make a sandwich filled with pixels for every child in Africa and still have 14 trillion pixels left over. Which is great really, I could fill up my yacht with those.

Considering I am now record-shatteringly poor and have absolutely loads of street credit-ability, I'd consider myself a beautiful oxymoron. My TV is big but... more

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Taken by the T-Rex (Dinosaur Erotica)
If you have been searching for dinosaur-on-woman porn (and who hasn't been?), your search has at last reached its end. Filling a literary niche that, incredibly, has been ignored until now, the author has recognized the public's insatiable interest in dinosaur lust for the ladies. Human ladies. I look forward to the sequels that will undoubtedly chronicle their ongoing romance, their subsequent affairs and rocky issues in their relationship, and the fates of their dino-human children. more

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Taken by the T-Rex (Dinosaur Erotica)
This book has given my life new meaning. I thought I was the only one to fantasize about dino-porn. But apparently there are millions upon millions of sick, mentally disturbed people out there who are just like me. Now that I've found acceptance I'm thinking of dumping my four court-ordered psychiatrists. more

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Fleshlight Stamina Training Unit Male Masturbator, Pink Lady
Lets get something straight first of all. No one - NO ONE, will ever think this is a flashlight. I could break a tree in half and light it on fire at one end and that would more easily pass off as a flashlight.The cap is just that, a cap; no lens, or even a Wile E. Coyote style drawn on lens. It's foot long, has an 11" circumference, and just in case you might somehow encounter someone who's only ever seen a flashlight in passing, the designers decided to put a giant "FLESHLIGHT" logo on the side.

Let's get back on track though, it's great. The material is soft and stretchy, the texture is smooth and skin-like and the bumps on the inside feel great. It is needy tough - you'll need to use lots of lube, especially if you have a thick penis.You may think, "oh dude, i can just use water."; I think that's a great way to perform your own circumcision.Get lube, and it has to be water based as oil will slowly... more

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Ninja MASK
This is a REAL ninja mask. At first when I opened the box and saw nothing in it, I was pretty mad. What a jip, right? But then I realized, "Wait a minute...ninja mask!" So I reached into the box, put it on, and admired my ninja face in the mirror. I decided to wear it to work and ran around my building, pushing people out of chairs, pantsing my supervisors, and placing things all askew. It fits perfectly; it stayed firmly in place when I accidentally walked into a taser in the ladies' room.And even though I'm using my one phone call to post this review on my... more

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Thunderbird TB-572 Cookie Dropping Machine, Up to 150 Cookies Per Minute
Brace yourself, I'm the ace with glazeI'm a bustin out gingerbread in your faceIn any case, yo, I'm frostin' like a steeplechaseMC pastry chefs: about faceNow step off, I need room for my bake-offMy custom made biscuits are crispYours are softI think you're stuck with misery, you gonna be historyYo, I planned it out just like a patisserieSnicker-doodle back up, or come a clapperI plan to trap a Master Chef and kidnap' emPhony, so skip the torroneYou and your cronies need to stick to macaroniAnd hard rolls, cause you just a rookieWhen it was time for chef school you just eatin the... more

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A Million Random Digits with 100,000 Normal Deviates
It always happens when you translate something into the vernacular. Something of the original intent or message gets lost. For the purists out there like myself, you're much better off purchasing A Million Random Digits with 100,000 Normal Deviates by RAND Corporation, Ed. 1 (Paperback - December 25, 1999) in the original Latin.

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Uranium Ore
It's been almost 100 days since I "disposed" of the Uranium Ore I purchased from Amazon.com. Seeing as how they sent me 10 orders instead of 1 I thought it would be alright to dispose of the two or three cans in the backyard. 91 days later and I'm barricaded in my house, beseiged by mutated grasshoppers, bees, wasps, and ants the size of ponies. My food stores are dwindling; I only have a few gallons of Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz left, though a spritz of Uranium Ore has kept it fresh all this time. I'm down to my last box of Fresh Whole Rabbit as well. Even though I had to kill them (again), some of the Uranium Ore I used on the Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz has also helped them stay fresh during these past few months.