When my brother and I were small, our parents used to take us to Daytona Beach in Florida on the Atlantic Ocean. The water is bath-water warm, the beach is wide and friendly, and we liked it so much that now we’ve come back twice as adults. So the whole family is here, my dad and stepmom, my brother and sister in law, me and Phil and Violet, and on Wednesday my dad leaves and my mom and Aunt Pattie come for the last few days.

The beach is, bar none, the best place to entertain a wiggly little four-year-old. Violet is in heaven. Yesterday she had all the adults on the beach playing with her, looking at her, admiring the shells she found, taking her for walks up the beach. She’s had ice cream two days in a row! And I took her in the hotel pool and played “mermaid and seahorse” (a rather physically strenuous game where she rides on my back as I swim around the pool) for a good hour and a half today. And on Saturday night, Uncle Dave taught her how to play Skee-Ball and together with all of us plugging quarters in like drunken spendthrifts, we got enough tickets to get her a plastic necklace.

I tried boogie boarding for the first time yesterday too. Here’s a transcript: “I got it, I got it! Woo hoooooo! Oh, crap. Wait , here comes another one. I got it, I got it! Wow! Oh wait. Crap.” My brother did much better, catching several good waves right down to the sand.

Speaking of Uncle Dave, this is probably the best thing on this trip, watching Violet and Dave bonding. He and I had a rocky relationship there for a couple of years; he and his wife have decided not to have kids, and when Violet was wee, we had the typical kind of arguments new parents have with non-parents. You know, underneath whatever we’re arguing about (bedtimes, going out to lunch at a particular time, why I want to rent a house instead of staying in a hotel room while vacationing), there was a core of misunderstanding where they thought of us as uptight and lame.

But over the last few years we seem to have come together again, as Violet got less demanding and I grew less anxious and rigid, and as Dave saw more of what we were going through and grew more sensitive and understanding. It’s just a joy, because I worried my sweet brother was lost to me, and maybe he worried the same thing about me.

So now, sitting on the sand and watching Dave chasing Violet down to the water to look for tiny clams is just bliss. The way they look at each other, her brown acorn eyes meeting my brother’s aquamarine ones, is so comfortable.

“Uncle David, I’m gonna draw you money,” she says to him, pulling out her green crayon. “I will make you rich.”

“Here, let’s put it in here,” he offers up an empty cigar box. “This will be my wallet.” She draws in concentration. “Put this on it,” he shows her, drawing the money symbol. “That way we’ll know it’s money.”

She draws, he folds and stuffs. He watches her fondly. She hands off some money and Dave palms it. “Where did it go?” he asks with a magician’s zest. “I think it’s…behind your ear!” and he pulls it out and she audibly gasps and then laughs.

“No…no it didn’t!” she shouts. “You did a trick!”

“The hand is quicker than the eye,” he says, passing it mysteriously in front of his face. She laughs a spurting giggle. I am as happy as it is possible to be.

…

Violet has trouble telling when she has to pee. I think it might be connected with her sensory stuff; she misses the signals and then when she has to go, she has to go RIGHT NOW which does not go over well when we’re say, driving, or walking in the middle of nowhere (although she’s a quite accomplished tree-pee-er). The obvious solution is to have her go just before we leave the house or whatever bathroom-rich spot we’re leaving, but it’s a big struggle every time.

“Come on,” I’ll say.

“Where are we going?” she’ll say, instantly suspicious.

“I have to go to the bathroom.”

“NO!”

“Yes, you have to come with me.”

“Why? Why why why?”

“Because you’re little and I have to keep an eye on you to keep you` safe.”

“I don’t have to go.”

“That’s fine. Just try for me.”

“Don’t wanna!”

“Just try for me.”

“I won’t!”

“I assure you, you will.”

“Won’t. Mama! I don’t have to go!”

“Are we going to have a fight about this? Do you want to have a fight about this? Isn’t it easier to just come with me?”

She weeps and complains, and slowly I drag her to the bathroom, whereupon she immediately realizes she has to go after all. In fact, the more she resists and screams, the more likely it is that she really has to go. What kind of crazy logic is this? Love fighting about the bathroom a half dozen times a day! But at least we’re not having accidents in the middle of the Safeway.

…

I’ve met a lot of people who are helpless in the house. They don’t know how to cook a meal, or sew on a button, or what is involved, exactly in “cleaning up after dinner” (that means dishes AND countertops AND maybe even the floors if there’s a huge mess). After we’d gotten married and moved in together, my own sainted husband asked me how exactly a toilet was cleaned, causing my mouth to drop to the ground.

So in the interest of not producing a person who is domestically clueless, I’m working on not being one of those moms who’s a silent cleaning robot in the background, making things nice for everyone without any appreciation. Cleaning the house is hard, dirty work, and I’m not especially fond of it, so if the cleaning is going to get done we all have to do it. And I figure at 4, Vi’s old enough to start pitching in. So we’re making a point of having her help us.

This morning, she wanted a cup of milk and wanted to pour it herself, and spilled a bit.

“I’m sorry, Mommy,” she said, obviously expecting me to get a cloth and wipe it up.

“Here’s the cloth,” I handed her the dishcloth. “Let’s wipe up the table.” She swished it back and forth a bit. “Here, let me show you. You go back and forth like this, and if you want you can make a sound effect. Squishhhh squish squish.”

“Squish squish squish!” she aped. “I’m swishing!”

“Yes! And now a paper towel for the floor. Go to the sink and get some water in it…and now squeeze it out so the drops come out.”

Her little hands squeeze at the sink. She’s tall enough now to reach it without the stool.

“Now bring it back here. And put it on the milk on the floor. And you can do it with your foot if you want.” I show her.

It takes about three times longer for Violet to help than for me to just do it myself. It is very hard to stand patiently as she takes 10 strokes to do what I could do in one practiced sweep. But still, I am not feeling martyred and put-upon, and that’s a good thing. Someday she will not ask her spouse how a toilet is cleaned…because this weekend, we’re inaugurating Family Chore Time, where everyone does a little housework before we have fun. I’ll let you know how it goes.

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28 Responses to Very Violet: A week at the beach

Brother Davidsays:

August 31, 2009 at 12:36 pm

Here we are back in our own cities, but thoughts of all the good times we had will sustain us until the next time we meet. I was truly touched by the sweet things you wrote. I am so happy that we have been able to push through some difficult times, and come out better and closer on the other side. Some time ago, I made a promise to myself that I would be a better person, especially a better family man. Thank you for letting me know that am keeping my promise. BTW, Joyce, you could never be lost to me!!! You are my flesh and blood and I am your big brother and I love you sooo much. I was thrilled to be able to spend so much quality time with you, Violet and Phil. I can’t wait till we get together again.

OK, Brother Dave, enough invoking the water works! I have a brother I’d thought lost to me, and then he married his sweet wife, and she’s brought him back to us! Yay for happy families!

Joyce, thank you so much for teaching Violet about chores, and having her help! Sometimes I think I’m the only parent that doesn’t want to be a “cleaning robot in the background, making things nice for everyone without any appreciation”, and wanting to turn out well-rounded adults.

Jennysays:

August 31, 2009 at 2:18 pm

My Mom always gave me chores, but then complained about how they were done without taking the time to show me. I never dusted correctly, or swept correctly. I forgot to turn the dryer on after putting the wet clothes in it and she brought it up for years after always adding “and turn the dryer on” when asking me to help with laundry. Somehow, my poor sweeping and dusting skills seem to rid my house of the dirt now that I’m all growm up. It is great of you to take the time to show her how to wipe the milk even when it would have been faster to do yourself.

micsays:

August 31, 2009 at 3:28 pm

That peeing thing is not unique to Violet. Not a bit of it – the lack of awareness, the resistance to what we call “just in case potty” trips, none. I hope that feels good to know. Its just part of being a kid, at that age. I have a friend with two 10 year olds, who describes it as ‘0 to emergency in 10 seconds’, so I guess his girls still arent paying attention either.
Seems boys are different in this.

I resorted to bribes.
1) its a race.
2) winner gets an m&m.
Sometimes its hard to go slow enough to lose, but its faster than standing there nagging her. Of course, if there’s only one potty in the house, its a challenge to make it seem like a real race.
And we go thru a small bag of m&ms in a few months.

Love the cleaning story. So hard to be patient, so very worthwhile! I get “You are not fair to me. Why do I have to do all the work?” I cant WAIT til she learns the term “slavery” – I’m sure she’ll use it abundantly to describe her situation in life, where she has to tidy her own messes.

Ruthsays:

August 31, 2009 at 4:04 pm

I can relate to the emergency potty situations. We always go potty before leaving a potty rich place, too, but I had to stoop low and make it a race between my two boys! I never thought going to the bathroom could be a fun event…Yuck! They enjoy it, so I guess that’s all that matters, huh?

With the chore thing, I have given both my kids chores to do around the house on the weekends. I wait until they go to bed to properly sweep the floor or get all the messes off the counters, but I encourage them while they are helping. Over time, my oldest has gotten really good at vaccuuming and dusting!! It’s great! He’s currently learning how to clean the toilets, which he thinks is too cool…thank goodness for a boy’s weird psychology!

Shelleysays:

August 31, 2009 at 4:55 pm

You’re brother is awesome. I love his comments and he’s so supportive of you. I wish I was closer to my own brother. He’s not lost, but he’s not good at talking on the phone and we live many states apart.

I hear you on the pee thing. I do the same thing with my daughter or we have and will again have an accident in the middle of the store. I get tired of saying, “If there isn’t anything there that is fine, but please try and go” I never thought it was part of her sensory issues, I just thought it was something that every kid does. What I don’t like is my daughter’s love for public bathrooms. Anyone else have a child that loves to use any bathroom other than her own? Gross!

What a lovely tribute to your brother, and then what a lovely comment from the same!

I have to say, congratulations on deciding to instill a work ethic in your kiddo. I can’t believe some of the comments I get from other parents, or better yet, the looks of WTF, when I mention the chores my kids do.

I was one of those people who didn’t know how to clean because my mother did everything for me. I decided I didn’t want to send my children out into the world without life skills.

teesays:

September 1, 2009 at 12:58 am

Lawdy, Lawdy Uncle David… have mercy on my tear ducts!?!

Today, I am so much richer having read this…

K&G'sMomsays:

September 1, 2009 at 6:39 am

Shelley,

The public restroom thing is not unique to you. We live only about 4 miles from my MIL. I ask my ds before we leave if he needs to go and the answer is always “no!”. As soon as we pull out of the neighborhood he yells “I need to go pee-pee!”. I tell him you should have gone at Nani’s and he says “no, I want to potty at Quik Trip”. He likes to go at Wal-Mart too. Talk about gross!

Jodie Asays:

September 1, 2009 at 7:17 am

I have a pee-resistant 3.5 yr old son too! I do resort to the “race to the potty game” and sometimes a bribe. We have a portable potty in the car which he LOVES, so much that he will forgo a “proper” toilet at a rest stop and will then be desperate to go when we get back to the car to leave – urgh! He has a very sensitive nose and will always ask me to go in and check if the toilet smells bad before he goes. If it does smell bad he really has trouble relaxing enough to go so I resort to burying his head in my chest or letting him keep his hands over his nose at times. Whatever it takes!
He is an excellent chore helper though. He loves grocery shopping, and putting everything away. He is a great helper in the kitchen, doing laundry and is pretty good at cleaning up messes. He loves the dustpan and brush and even if it takes twice as long and I need to do it again later, it is worth it. I love spending time with him, even if we are doing chores, and I hope he will grow into a really helpful man, just like his daddy. I will be really grateful I started him on chores in a few months when baby #2 comes along!
Great post Joyce, and so nice to hear about the good times you are having.

And cleaning? I have to say, one of the proudest moments of my life was when I overheard my Mom telling an Aunt that I (at 5) had helped my Great Aunt (85 at the time) do laundry, and I did most of it myself. She detailed how I had carried the big load in such a creative way and remembered to put in the soap. And she was so impressed with the job we did. Now, you know that no great measuring was done and the folding probably left a lot to be desired, but her pride still made my day. You’re giving Violet a sense of responsiblity and something she can take pride in, too. Good deal.

I hope one day Voilet can look back at all these posts and see how much you cared (or she’ll look back and resent you for broadcasting it, tee hee hee).

alisonsays:

September 1, 2009 at 12:02 pm

Joyce,
If you haven’t already gotten Violet the cd “Free to be You and Me”, I highly recommend it (lots of good 70’s era bits about gender equality, Girl Power and funny, quirky songs). The reason I bring it up is there is an amusing little tale called “Housework” read by Carol Channing about how nobody likes housework and when you see the shiny, happy lady on tv smiling while she’s trying to sell you her favorite wonderful cleaning product it’s because she’s an ACTRESS!

Anyway, I’m with everyone else: even though you don’t usually mention your brother David in your blog every week, his supportive, funny, sweet comments bring me to tears and make me wish I had a brother. Oh wait, I DO have a brother but he is not exactly so nice. My childless brother claims to love my children however he feels the need to tell me everytime I talk to him how loud and noisy they are and makes semi-snide comments about them to me. So yeah, you’re pretty lucky to have such a great family!!

And yeah, my 4 year old LOVES public bathrooms and I’m have some borderline germaphobe tendencies so I try to avoid them if at all possible!

The whole peeing thing must be a 4 year old thing because my son does the same thing. He will be doing the whole pee pee dance and will fight you tooth and nail to go to the bathroom but once he is there he pees like he had been out drinking all night. The worst thing is that he refuses to pee standing up or outside. Public restrooms are so gross and yet I feel like we have to go in one every place we go. We have even begged our way into the employee only bathrooms. There is just not enough Purell in the world for me to want to go in those. YUCCKK!!!!

Larasays:

September 2, 2009 at 7:38 am

Back from vacation and catching up on the last 3 weeks of posting, and wow. It’s me, all over. Every one. So glad to hear I’m not alone and my daughter’s not the only extremely challenging 4 year old on the planet.

Betty M.says:

September 2, 2009 at 9:38 am

yes..my daughter does the same potty “dance” with me…she will fight it until I physically place her on the potty and she pees a river! STILL doesn’t make any sense to me…oh, and she doesn’t have sensory issues.

Joansays:

September 2, 2009 at 4:40 pm

God bless Brother Dave!

My 4yo son is also a resistent pee-er. And has an adversion to auto-flush public toilets. Imagine my great fun stuffed into a stall with him wriggling and screaming …

Joyce, I’ve said it before: I REALLY admire you! As a parent and a writer.

Tarasays:

September 2, 2009 at 7:40 pm

Way to go, Joyce… Start ‘em early with the housework! The 10 times longer it takes to teach her today will pay you back a million times over when she can really clean it up by herself. But isn’t it funny how kids want to help when they’re too little to do much, and don’t want to by the time they can really be a big help? My 1 year old loves to “help” by throwing his diaper in the trash and putting his shoes away, but my 3 year old who is capable of so much more has to be reminded a dozen times to do anything.

sarasays:

September 2, 2009 at 8:05 pm

My daughter, who is three, has the same issue with peeing. Sometimes if I distract her enough I can just put her on the toilet before she goes someplace, but it is often a huge battle where I end up dragging her to the bathroom. Sometimes I bribe, and sometimes I cajole, and sometimes it is easier than others. She will still hold it way too long and yeah, then when she has to go, its RIGHT NOW! Sometimes I think she’s better, but it ebbs and flows. Occasionally I’ll force her to go when she really doesn’t have to, because she won’t tell me the truth. I think she doesn’t know.

Staceysays:

September 3, 2009 at 5:48 am

Just as I was reading the comments my 6yo went to get a paper towel to wipe up a minor spill without a word to me! Bliss. Kids need to know how to help and usually at this age they want to. It’s not considered quite the chore it is later on, and by then it’s been ingrained!

finnysays:

September 3, 2009 at 7:42 am

Joyce and Brother Dave, I’m so glad your found your way together again! You made me cry, and at work, too!
I have a brother that hasn’t spoken to anyone in the family for almost 15 years… he’s never met his nieces and nephews and the little ones don’t even know he or their older cousins exist (too hard to explain, and I don’t even have the answers to “why” because he would never tell me). I’ve tried over the years to have some sort of reconcilliation, but being turned away time and time again has become too painful. I think of them every day . . .
So, people, even if it is hard, and even if you have your differences, don’t throw your family away, because things change and you just might end up like Joyce and Dave.

Braden's mommysays:

September 3, 2009 at 1:22 pm

What a great post Joyce!! I’m so glad you had a fun time at the beach. Your brother’s comment brought tears to my eyes!!
I LOVE the squish idea. I’m trying to have more patience and let my own little one do more, but sometimes it’s just easier to do it fast and by myself…but you can bet your butt that he WILL know how to clean a toilet before he gets married!! LOL!

1) My own brother passed away a few years ago when my daughter was only 10 months old. So reading about your relationship (and V’s) with your brother is very touching. I’m so glad that you’ve all been able to rise above your differences. I can tell you how much I long to be able to have that with my brother and how deeply saddened I am when I hear of others that can’t seem to get it together with their siblings.

2) My daughter has similiar pee issues and I think it is somewhat related to her undiagnosed, but noteable sensory issues.

3) My mom never taught me to cook, clean, do laundry, etc. When I was in college and then married young I was often poked fun of for my lack of domestic skills and I felt a certain bit of guilt about it until I realized I wasn’t fully to blame. My mom now realizes that her lack of teaching in this arena (partially because she spoiled us, partly because she could do it easier/better) was a detriment that she regrets. Good for you for getting her involved!

Momsays:

September 4, 2009 at 3:35 am

I have to say we did have such a good time at the beach and I got a pleasant surprise in my suitcase when I got home, love notes from Violet. I could tell they were love notes because of all the hearts drawn on them. I also noticed the bonding between Violet and Uncle Dave, he gets her now and I even witnessed some sweet hugs. ahhhh!
I declare our family vacation was the best yet.

Jackiesays:

September 4, 2009 at 9:22 am

yup I teared up on this one too. I like your style of showing your daughter how to do chores and that everyone pitches in. I believe in that too.

Deesays:

September 4, 2009 at 10:24 am

I love the sound of family chore time, please do a post on how that goes and give me some ideas. I know it’s time for my DD to start doing a few things but I haven’t done a good job of figuring out what or how and of course I would love if I could get daddy to do more than he does as far as house chores go.

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