Friday, November 28, 2008

The Detroit Lions’ Thanksgiving games have averaged 11.9% of U.S. households over the last decade. The number would probably be a lot lower if the tryptophan didn’t make it impossible for most viewers to turn the channel.

A new survey has found that 69.1 percent of all professional athletes live a luxurious lifestyle. The other 30.9 percent live in Cleveland.

John Daly recently spoke about his past troubles, telling the press, “I'll get through anything people can throw at me." Especially if it happens to be a six pack and a carton of cigarettes.

The Memphis Grizzlies are currently in the market for shooters. It’s about time someone put them out of their misery.

Barry Bonds has landed an endorsement deal for a company that specializes in high-powered hunting rifles. It’s the perfect partnership for a man who’s been known to go off without warning.

GM and Tiger Woods have ended their nine-year endorsement deal. Apparently neither side wanted to be associated with such a broken down commodity.

The NFL will broadcast next week’s Chargers-Raiders game live in 3-D at theaters across the country. The image is expected to be so enhanced that Al Davis might even look life-like.

The Pittsburgh Pirates have signed two reality show contestants who have never played organized baseball. Experts expect them to be completely indistinguishable from the rest of the team.

Rumors persist that Charlie Weis’ buyout at Notre Dame is smaller than originally thought. It’s believed to be the first time the words “small” and “Charlie Weis” have ever been uttered in the same sentence.

The International Olympic Committee has decided to cut the modern pentathlon from five events to four, with pistol shooting and running being combined into a single event. Former Ohio State runningback Maurice Clarett can hardly wait to bring home the gold.

Stephon Marbury has said that his suspicion of Mike D'Antoni is so deep he wouldn't trust him to walk his dog across the street. And this is coming from a man who actually came out in defense of Michael Vick.

Monday, November 24, 2008

John Wayne Bobbitt was recently dropped from a celebrity boxing card after failing several blood pressure tests. It’s certainly not the first time in his life he’s been unexpectedly cut.

Tony Romo recently took a homeless man to a movie. It’s not as generous as it sounds, though. The movie was High School Musical 3.

Upper Deck playing cards have begun offering strands of Abraham Lincoln’s hair. The company was originally going to offer Bill Clinton’s DNA but he’s been giving that away for free for years.

Syracuse handed Notre Dame its fifth loss of the season. Charlie Weis’ team has been so bad they’re considering changing their name to the Passive Aggressive Irish.

The Florida Marlins have received approval for a new downtown stadium. The proposed structure is expected to have a giant video screen, a retractable roof and seating for all five of the team’s fans.

The White Sox have reached a tentative agreement with 19-year-old Cuban star Dayan Viciedo. The infielder should have no problem passing his physical given the fact he swam all the way from Havana to Key West.

Players on FC Copenhagen are being offered two free adult movies every time they win on the pitch. If nothing else, the films should really help them with their ball handling.

A die hard San Francisco sports fan recently got a huge tattoo of Barry Bonds on his back. Fittingly, the tattoo took five needles to complete.

Texas Tech defeated East Central by a lopsided score of 167-115. The last time the Red Raiders were involved in a beating that profound it involved Bobby Knight and a belt.

A new cable Ski Channel is scheduled to launch on Christmas Day. It should all be downhill from there.

Lab technicians from the World Anti-Doping Agency are currently testing Viagra for its use as a performance-enhancing drug. You’d definitely want to knock twice before you entered that lab.

Subway has agreed to a long-term partnership with Michael Phelps to promote their 12 foot long party subs. Or as Phelps calls them, breakfast.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

George, Torrington, WYSubj: Working Out Hey there Ryan, I like to doing a lot of cardio and weight-lifting in my spare time and I was wondering if you could recommend a list of songs that I can add to my iPod to help keep me pumped when I'm working out.

Superb question, George. I’ve been known to pump a little iron myself (with an emphasis on the "little”), and these are my five favorite tunes to listen to while I work myself into a lather. 1. Welcome to the Jungle – Guns ‘N’ Roses. Axel Rose may be a bit of a punk, but he definitely knows how to get a party started. Plus, his proclivity for wearing spandex on stage makes him a natural fit for this list.2. All Night Long – AC/DC. The ultimate hard rock song, this Aussie classic is guaranteed to pick up your heart rate faster than watching an all-female yoga class. 3. Eye of the Tiger – Survivor. If you don’t find Rocky inspiring, it’s definitely time to check your pulse. Incidentally, this is also my favorite song to listen to while sparring with large slabs of frozen meat.4. Enter Sandman – Metallica. If it’s good enough for Mariano Rivera, then it’s definitely good enough for a lightweight like me. 5. Start Me Up – The Rolling Stones. Just thinking of Keith Richards instantly makes me want to work out ten times harder. God knows, it’s a lot cheaper than getting a complete blood transfusion.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Barack Obama intends to build a basketball court inside the White House. It will mark the first time someone has played with their balls in the building since Bill Clinton lived there.

Detroit could be in danger of losing the Lions. Luckily the team’s fans already know a thing or two about coping with loss.

A new medical report has revealed that rookie forward Danilo Gallinari has a bloated bulging disc in his back. It’s certainly not the first time the words “bloated” and “bulging” have been used to describe a New York Knick.

49ers star Frank Gore has been diagnosed with a mild neck tinge. The runningback has blamed the injury on his habit of abruptly looking away every time Mike Singletary drops his pants.

Michael Vick has said he hopes to return to the NFL as early as next season. In fact, the troubled QB assured reporters he’s working like a dog just to get ready.

The New York Yankees intend to “blow away” C.C. Sabathia with a huge contract offer. It’s a refreshing tactic for a team that in recent years has simply blown.

Former Ohio State offensive linemen T.J. Downing was recently arrested for pot possession. In his defense, he thought they were just buckeyes.

The Seattle Mariners have come up with a list of seven candidates to be their next GM. The team plans to go with who ever selects the shortest straw.

The Denver Broncos have signed free agent runningback Tatum Bell. Bell is expected to join the team as soon as he can find his luggage… or, failing that, someone else’s.

The Cavaliers plan to make a run at Vince Carter. Given the way his skills have deteriorated they may not have to run very fast.

A teenage girl is suing her school after she was forced to play football in gym class. It could have been worse; she could have been forced to watch the Bengals.

Reds pitcher Edinson Volquez finished fourth in the Rookie of the Year voting even though he’s not technically a rookie. In related news, Tigers outfielder Gary Sheffield finished tenth in the Humanitarian of the Year voting even though he’s not technically a human.

Jerry Jones says he “absolutely” believes Dallas will make the playoffs. Unfortunately for football fans he was referring to the Mavericks.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Patrick, Augusta, MESubj: Two-timing TomHey Ryan, I heard a broadcaster say that Tom Brady was a two-sport star back in high school. What was his other sport?

Brady was an outstanding catcher on the baseball team at Junipero Serra High, an all-boys school in San Mateo, California, that also counts Barry Bonds, Lynn Swann, Gregg Jeffries and Jim Fregosi among its famous alumni. In fact, scouts were so impressed with Brady’s rocket of an arm that the Montreal Expos took a flyer and drafted him in the 18th round of the 1995 Major League draft. Luckily for Patriots fans, Brady decided to pass on the offer and he accepted a football scholarship to Michigan instead, where he led the Wolverines to two Bowl appearances and never once lost to Appalachian State.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Alex Rodriguez plans to attend the Victoria's Secret Fashion show next Saturday night. It should be refreshing for him not to be the biggest boob in the room.

Babe Ruth’s final road uniform is currently on the auction block. Something tells us the Bambino would be delighted to know that people are still trying to get into his pants.

The Knicks beat the Bobcats 101-98 to ruin Larry Brown’s return to Madison Square Garden. The only way the night could have been more satisfying for New Yorkers is if Isiah Thomas and Stephon Marbury spontaneously combusted at half court.

Bud Selig has told his colleagues that he does not want Mark Cuban to buy the Chicago Cubs. Apparently the only Cubans he wants in baseball are the ones that come to America on top of a floating doorframe.

The New England Patriots have fired one of their cheerleaders after a series of racy photos popped up on her Facebook page. On the positive side she now has 21 million new Facebook friends.

Jose Canseco has pleaded guilty to trying to bring a fertility drug across the border from Mexico. The real crime is the fact that they let him back into America at all.

Magic Johnson reportedly cried all night long after Barack Obama beat John McCain to become the country's first African-American president. Mind you, he also had the same reaction after watching Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2.

The father of suspended Ohio State receiver Ray Small says the school is intentionally trying to ruin his son’s career. If that were true they would have traded him to Notre Dame.

Point guard Earl Watson reportedly wants out of Oklahoma City. Then again, so does half the town’s population.

Boston College has unveiled a life-sized statue of Doug Flutie. The sculpture will also serve as a height chart to determine if fans are tall enough to get into the stadium.

The Houston Astros have signed Taiwanese pitcher Chia-Jen Lo. Hopefully he holds up better than most products made in Taiwan.

Manu Ginobili could be rejoining the San Antonio Spurs sooner than expected. No word yet on who will take his place as Balki in the touring Broadway production of Perfect Strangers.

Willie Randolph has been named bench coach of the Brewers. The Mets are planning to call and congratulate him at 3:00 am tomorrow morning.

The San Antonio Spurs are 0-3 for the first time since 1973. Ironically, that was also the rookie year of many of their current starters.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Larry, Los Angeles, CASubj: Letter of the law Why does the letter “K” stand for a strike out on the official scorer’s card?

We have Henry Chadwick to thank for that. The revered sportswriter and amateur statistician was the first individual to develop a workable box score during the 1850s. According to his methodology, Chadwick used letters rather than numbers to denote action on the field. For instance, the letter “S” represented a single, the letter “T” was used to note a triple and the letter “I” signified an inning. By the time he was ready to assign a letter for a strikeout, the “S” was already taken so Chadwick instead used the letter “K” since he considered it to be the most prominent sounding letter in that word. More than 150 years later, the “K” is still used by baseball statisticians and regular fans in stadiums around the world.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Chris Berman will interview Senator John McCain at halftime of Monday Night Football. Although McCain never played the sport he did letter in chariot racing during high school.

Shaquille O’Neal recently called Kobe Bryant the best player in the NBA. The league is expected to test his urine immediately.

C.C. Sabathia has filed for free agency. The veteran pitcher is expected to get at least $20 million, or as he calls it, lunch money.

The Raiders are reportedly interested in signing quarterback Michael Vick. Luckily for him, Oakland is one of the few places in America where a prison record is practically a job requirement.

The Thunder picked up their first victory in franchise history with an 88-85 win over the Timberwolves. Folks in Oklahoma City haven’t been this excited since the town got electricity.

Fox is weighing whether to assign reporter Danyelle Sargent to more NFL games. Perhaps they should give Bill Walsh a call and see what he thinks.

Unemployed quarterback Daunte Culpepper spent the day with the Detroit Lions. That should certainly cure him of his desire to ever play football again.

John Daly was held overnight in a North Carolina jail after passing out at a Hooters. According to observers, Daly first began drinking heavily when he realized he had the biggest boobs in the restaurant.

Matt Leinart has said that he isn’t concerned about losing playing time to Kurt Warner. Of course, that could just be the booze talking.

The New York Mets are thinking of signing free agent reliever J.J. Putz. It’s a surprising development considering that their bullpen is already overflowing with putzes.

Paula Radcliffe won the New York City Marathon with a time of two hours, 23 minutes, and 56 seconds. The 40-year-old Cheshire native probably could have finished even sooner if she wasn’t mugged three times down the stretch.

Eddy Curry has failed to crack the Knicks starting rotation after an abysmal preseason. Given his enormous weight gain, it’s the only thing he hasn’t cracked this year.

Lance Armstrong won the individual time trial of the 25th annual Tour de Gruene. Apparently riding an Olsen Twin really can get you in good shape.

About Me

Ryan Murphy's humorous articles and sports-themed jokes have appeared on more than 170 radio stations and 40 newspapers across the U.S. and Canada. He recognizes that life is hard and that's why he's here to help. Send in some questions and he'll offer some advice. On anything. Well, almost anything.