Gay Girl’s Goggles: “Once Upon a Time” SnapCap (1.03)

When only four percent of scripted TV shows feature LGBT characters, what’s a gay girl to do? Why, strap on your gay goggles and watch TV along with us, of course! Our handy appraisal scale is better than any old letter grade. Other sites A+. We say, “What about our lezzy-lady feelings?”

Will you guys forgive me for running late with Sunday night’s ABC SnapCaps? Blame it on US Airways. And cold & flu season. Or, you know, blame it on the Evil Queen. That bitch has her hand in everything from apple orchard farming to casual neurosurgery — as we were reminded again last night when she wrestled her way between Mary Margaret and a comatose [James] John Doe in a Snow White-centric episode that was just swashbuckle-y enough not to be a straight up Disney remake.

AFTERELLEN BAIT

There was a hot second in “Snow Falls” when I thought Jennifer Morrison was going to spend the whole episode traipsing around town in that white tank top again; alas, stupid Henry stole a hideous blouse from his mother’s closet and she wore that damn thing the whole time instead. So, according to the very scientific calculations we use for these SnapCaps, minus one billion.

There was also a frigid second during the first flashback when I thought this thing was going the damsel in distress route with Prince Charming and his guest star fiance, the awesome Anastasia Griffith. Their stage coach gets hijacked, she flails around and screams for help, Charming goes chasing after the thief — but the thief is Snow White, a full on rogue bandit with a very cool costume and very cool weapons (and an unfortunately crappy wig). Ginnifer Goodwin has the sweetest face on this earth, but you know what? I didn’t have a hard time believing her Robin Hood shenanigans. Snow White is a big time badass. I hope she gets to actually sword fight this season!

FEELINGS, FEELINGS, FEELINGS

The main feeling we’re meant to be feeling, of course, is the deep, desperate longing for Snow White and Prince Charming to get their True Love’s Kiss on — and I totally would be rooting for that except for barf! The most emotionally resonant moments are always between Mary Margaret and Emma Swan. Goodwin and Morrison have such good chemistry, and their whole “how do I know you/how can I not help you” dynamic is fully believable. In fact, their chemistry is so good I’m glad they gave us the mother/daughter reveal in the first episode, or we would have had another River Song/Amy Pond accidental mother-daughter slash ship on our hands.

Speaking of feelings, are you feeling Jared Gilmore as Henry? The internet seems ready to thrax that kid (poor Bobby Draper!), but he’s not really irking me yet. I mean, it’s not his fault that he gets saddled with heinous dialogue like, “You have to stop looking for him so he can start looking for you!”

BREADCRUMB TRAIL

This week’s flashbacks were all Snow White and Prince Charming: How they met, how they hated each other, how they fell for each other, how Charming cannot stop saying, “I WILL FIND YOU” every other scene. Snow White’s backstory is shaping up to be the most interesting one of all the fairy tale characters. It seems like she’s going to be the most well-rounded Fable. For one thing, the writers are wisely avoiding the Disney-fied lying-in-wait thing for her. She’s got a vendetta against the Evil Queen, and she’s pirating her way across Neverland (or wherever) trying to bring her down. And for another thing, she’s not looking for a handsome prince. Not for rescuing her and not for marrying her. She’s lonely, right? Because she’s fighting the Evil Empire by herself, basically. But she’s not desperate. It’s a good story. I hope we get a lot more of it.

BABBITY RABBITY AND HER CACKLING STUMP

Best line of the night? Jennifer Morrison again, duh: “She’s gonna kill me. Then you. Then me again.”

Three episodes in and ABC has already given Once a full season pickup. How are you feeling about the show? Which character(s) are you most interested in? How do you feel about little Henry?