Hi. This might seem like an extreme non-sequitur, but vegans kind of hate us, largely because we loathe vegans. We say “meat is the best part of living, ergo, vegans are zombies, and we must destroy their brains” and they flock to our site to say “You are a total ignoramus! Feel sorry for you! Enjoy your rectal cancer ugly people” because that’s an actual comment left on this website by someone who was mad at us making fun of vegan diets and apparently 95% of America’s vegan population doesn’t have a sense of humor. The other 5% are no longer vegan because they just succumbed to their base urges, and started eating someone’s brains (because they’re fucking zombies) (but brains aren’t vegan) (so they’re not vegan anymore) (just zombies).

This will all make sense in a little bit, but first, let’s talk about eating bugs.

A surprising amount of cultures include insects as part of their basic diets. This is called Entomophagy, which is Latin for “eww gross, ha ha, it’s all crawly, hee hee.” It’s common in developing nations, but lately, taboos about eating bugs are being challenged in first world countries like America by nutritionists pointing out that insects are high in protein, efficient to produce for consumption, and aren’t that gross just grow the fuck up, you haven’t even tried it, okay, just take one bite and if you don’t like it we’ll let you have some chicken.

Our stance on the issue might be surprising to those of you expecting us to demand that the world eat a diet of only bacon and steak (which, admittedly, not a bad call) but we’re totally for people eating bugs. Some of our writers have actually done so (not in the “eating worms on the playground to make friends because they were lonely children” way…well, not exclusively that way) and they said they were delicious. People think of eating bugs as digging into worming live messes, which is gross, but it’s also gross trying to bite into a chicken’s thigh as it runs for its life. Cooked and prepared insects can be surprisingly good—crickets taste like shrimp, most larvae are kind of mushroomy, crickets are deep fried so they taste like everything that’s deep fried (delicious), and some other insects even taste like bacon. All of these are good things! We guess some people like the “sustainability” of the food source, but we don’t care—we’ll always welcome an added excuse to try to eat something that once lived on this Earth and has been killed specifically to address the fact that we’ve been drinking since 4PM and man, we should probably get some food in there before going out to the bars.

“This is the most depressing list I’ve ever seen. Those poor Vegans. Please, just take a big old bite out of my flank. I want you to be happy.”

~A cow

Ever since we sent [REDACTED] on a trip into torture and madness not seen since Apocalypse Now, we’ve tried to distance ourselves from the terrifying, un-American creatures known as “Vegans.” We didn’t know much about them, but we knew they didn’t like meat, and that’s more than enough reason to hate them with every fiber of our beings. “Oh, but AFFotD, that’s blind, irrational hatred, isn’t that wrong?” you may ask, and we would retort, of course not. If we didn’t have blind, irrational hatred, we’d have settled this country by “peacefully cohabiting with the natives” and where would that leave us now? With a lot fewer casinos and a lot less stories about smallpox blankets. Could you imagine such a terrifying world? We try not to.

But after a while, we began to develop a curiosity about these soulless (we can only assume) harbingers of soy. Here’s what we knew about Vegans (through assumption). They don’t eat meat unless it comes from human babies, they don’t have souls because the only way to acquire and maintain a soul is by devouring the life force of other animals, and they never shower because if they did their white-person dreads would immediately thin out when they touch water.

“My parents eat MEAT so I think it’s WRONG. I learned that at the college that they paid for me to go to from a professor I was sleeping with.”

Well, for a while this inherent knowledge satisfied us. But, after months of not even thinking the word “Vegan” we suddenly developed a strong urge to learn about all the foods that they are not allowed to eat. This may or may not have something to do with putting trace amounts of cow’s blood in the water supply and then buying billboard space that says, “HEY VEGANS! HOW’S THE COW’S BLOOD TASTE? IT’S IN YOUR FUCKING WATER, HIPPIES!”

God, the look on their faces is going to be priceless. Well, time for us to get formal, and focus on…

Foods of Enjoyment (Ignored by Dastardly Vegans)

“Meat: It’s totally worth killing for.”

The following is a list of foods that Vegans can’t eat. It’s not comprehensive, but it is comprehensive as far as things that Americans need. And we’re not exaggerating here. If an American goes a month without eating any of the following food and drink items, they turn into a male Chinese government official. Even our women. All Vegans are secretly Chinese government officials, is what we’re trying to say.

You know what’s boring? Math and Science. Some people say they “like knowing what makes the world work” and “get a thrill from solving mathematical questions using logic and knowledge” but to that, we respond the way we responded to the kids who were good at Math and Science in Grade School.

Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself.

In actuality, these areas of study, especially Science, are pointless. Why should we care what an atom looks like? And why are you going to try to spin said atoms really fast in a giant tube, when that clearly is going to lead to the destruction of the entire planet? Really, the only thing part in science class we paid attention to was that thing on how genetic traits carry over from parents to children, because it sure came useful when our ex gave birth to that kid and we were able to know we didn’t have to pay child support because someone with blue eyes cannot have a kid with green eyes. Thanks, science! Screw you, Cindy!

But science does, every once in a while, go out of its way to do something to tell us, hey, AFFotD, Science can be pretty American too. While we do have a team of scientists on our staff who invent things like bologna flavored vodka and vodka flavored bologna, we usually use science just for the silly, inconsequential studies, and not for hard hitting facts that help inform us of the very nature of our American ways. Sure, we know how tadpoles respond to weightlessness in space, but does science ever study something that really matters? To us? Americans?

Apparently, the answer is, “Fuck yes, of course we do, get your heads out of your ass, AFFotD,” because scientists have spent government money and months of their lives devoted to examining how bugs act when they are drunk.

As Americans, and purveyors of facts that tend to be, for lack of a better word, fun, we have a strong hatred for nature in all forms. We’d sooner chug bleach than eat “all natural” food, because at least we knew that mankind had a hand in making that bleach (Plus? Surprisingly sweet, goes very well with a cheese platter). When we read about the world’s largest tree (and tallest living thing) being found in America, standing at 378 feet, we don’t reflect in awe at how this tree has outlived many generations of man, and even America as a nation, we get pissed off that it’s probably protected now, and we can’t turn it into a comically large chest of drawers to put in some small Indiana town somewhere.

Yeah you BETTER run

But, our strong “anti-Nature” stance sometimes gets some negative feedback from people who think “We need to preserve the planet for future generations” and “It’s not good to laugh about how the honey bees are dying off, because that’s actually going to devastate our ecosystem and agriculture.” But guess what? Nature started it. Hurricanes, Tsunamis, Tornadoes, Susan Boyle, all of these are indestructible forces of nature that leaves nothing but shattered lives and broken dreams in their wake. So why should we box with one hand behind our back? As Nelson Muntz let us know regarding his pro-nuking-whales stance, “Gotta nuke something.”

This is not a war for the meek. Nature has gone on the offensive, and it’s not just the direct assaults that we have to fear. Nature’s representative, the Sandman, a distant cousin of Freddy Krueger, goes into our dreams at night and informs nature what are in our nightmares. And then nature makes them real.

Nature makes them real.

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU….”

So below, we must perform our terrifying duty of ensuring that every American is aware of the very real nightmares that nature has unleashed on this world, in an edition we call…

Kill it Kill it Please AFFotD Make the Bad Man Stop!: A Pictorial Discussion on Why We Must Destroy Nature, Because Fuck Nature.

[Editor’s note: WARNING: While these images do not portray any violence, sexuality, or other things that would be considered NSFW, they do have a very real risk of bringing back buried nightmares, because nature is a massive douchebag, and has created these terrifying creatures to haunt us at every turn. Discretion is advised. Seriously. Fuck nature.]