Dating Maze #375: Sister on the Loose

Help! She’s close to getting engaged, and I’m concerned she’ll make a terrible spouse.

I have a younger sister who is very talented and well-liked. She is now dating someone seriously. I know this guy personally and think he is an all-around incredible person. So I am very excited for her and hope this works out.

At the same time, I have reservations. As a family member, I know a side of my sister that outsiders don't see. She is very insecure to the point of paranoia, suspecting everyone close to her of trying to undermine her. She has alienated all of her family members to the point that we tiptoe around her emotionally for fear of either an explosion or the passive-aggressive silent treatment.

It is most likely that my sister's issues will play out in a marriage. Yet she insists that the “real her” is the one that everyone admires, and she claims that we underestimate her. I certainly don't want to stand in the way of her getting married. Yet, frankly, I feel very bad for this guy.

I would love her to get counseling, but she refuses to even entertain the suggestion.

My question is: What can I do to help ensure she has a happy marriage?

Monica

Rosie and Sherry's Answer:

Dear Monica,

We understand the dilemma you’re facing. You’re concerned about how your sister’s less-than-pleasant ways of relating to your family may affect the relationship with this man she may marry. She hasn’t been receptive to suggestions to get the help you feel she needs to cope better with life, and you’re afraid that without it, her marriage will suffer. You don’t want to stand by and watch a potential disaster unfold, but you don’t know how to reach her.

The first question is whether your concerns are valid. After all, outside of your family, your sister seems to be a lovely, well-adjusted young woman – in sharp contrast to the needy, distrustful, temperamental person she acts like in front of her family. Which is the “real” her? Can she continue to keep her unpleasant side “in check” when she’s not with her immediate family?

Most of us display different personas, or aspects of our personalities, depending on whom we are interacting with at a particular time. That’s why your sister can be the warm, personable, giving and cooperative young woman that her friends hold in high regard, and display less pleasant character traits when relating to her family.

Family members may have undermined her efforts or betrayed her trust.

What your sister doesn’t realize is that all these traits comprise who she is. She may think that she only acts in a less-than-pleasant manner with her family, and would never do the same with other people. To some degree, that’s probably true. Many of a person’s unpleasant ways can be unique to the family dynamic. For example, sisters who fight each other “like cats and dogs” quite possibly never act that way with others.

It’s also likely that your sister’s insecurity and the distrust she feels toward family members have some basis in your shared family history. There may have been times when she felt deprived of the love, attention or support that she needed or wanted, and developed an expectation that this would often be the case. In the past, some family members may have undermined her efforts or betrayed her trust. Or they may have given her inconsistent messages – such as a parent praising a grade your sister received, and in the next breath complaining that she doesn't have any common sense in other areas of life. She may have learned to protect herself from hurt feelings by telling herself that her family can’t be relied upon or trusted. She may be harboring feelings of anger or resentment – and easily lash out at family members – because she hasn’t worked through those feelings.

Emotional Triggers

You’ve told us that your sister doesn’t feel that she needs help in this area, because she genuinely believes that she only behaves in a certain way with her family. What she doesn’t realize is that these behaviors can spill over into other areas in the future – because these behaviors have become part of her arsenal of coping and reacting mechanisms. It’s easy to hold them in check if a friendship doesn’t get too intense, or when she’s dating someone a few times a week for a few hours at a time.

However, if she’s under stress, or someone she cares about innocently does something that triggers those unpleasant feelings of being betrayal and disappointment, she may react in a way most familiar to her. She may believe this will never happen, and she certainly doesn’t want to act this way. But unless she has learned a healthier way to react to these triggers, she may not have much control over her reactions when those buttons are pushed.

That's why it's important for your sister to speak to someone who can help her address the underlying feelings that contribute to her behavior and develop new tools to deal with them. This can be a cognitive behavioral therapist, or a psychotherapist who specializes in helping clients develop relationship skills. Your sister will learn healthier ways to react when someone disappoints or upsets her. This will unquestionably have a positive effect on her marriage and on her relationship with your family.

She needs to find healthy ways to process her negative emotional triggers.

However, we don’t think that you’re the right person to discuss this with your sister. She won’t “hear” what anyone in the family tells her – because she believes that you do not value who she “really” is. You’re better off thinking of someone she respects and who likewise holds her in high regard. It may be someone who is aware of your family dynamic and understands why she displays one persona with your family and another with outsiders. This person will be in the best position to influence her to find healthy ways to process her negative emotional triggers.

The person who speaks with her should also encourage her to see the man she is dating in different venues, so that they can see different sides of each other and how they react in different situations. They should also take a few “day-long dates,” where the factors of hunger and fatigue may bring some issues to the fore. This will give her added incentive to address her issues, because she will have a difficult time hiding them in all situations.

Perhaps most important, this person should strongly recommend that if she becomes engaged, she and her fiance attend any one of the fine marriage preparation workshops (such as the Shalom Workshop in New York, or Prepare and Enrich worldwide) that we anyway feel should be mandatory for every engaged or newly-married couple.

After your sister has been presented with the idea that learning healthier ways to interact will be good for her marriage and personal life, you have to step back. If she’s not receptive to the suggestions, understand that you can only intervene so much. (For example, in this particular situation, we don’t recommend that you tell the man she’s dating about her difficulties.) And if she agrees to get help, it’s she who will have to do the work. You can show her love and support, no matter what she chooses. But whatever the case, she and the man she is dating will need the clarity to figure out if they are right for each other, and then gain the tools to work together to build a flourishing relationship.

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

Visitor Comments: 25

Psychology huh? That's very jewish. Psychology is pseudo junk science. Let's start with the spring shadows glen case in Houston, tx. Now why would you send your sister to counseling? Didn't the bible teach us that G-D hates our inventions?

(15)
Anonymous,
February 16, 2013 2:17 PM

let the pros handle it

I'm not familiar with how Jewish marriages work. Is it normal for the rabbi/minister at some point to ask all the witnesses if there is any good reason at all to oppose union or forever hold your peace? That would be a good time to bring all this up! Since the family would be present they can join in, like an intervention! =) Marriage is adult business so make sure to bring up stuff from childhood. Failing that having a pre-marriage counselor or matchmaker should be reasonable and is a pretty normal thing to do.

Rivka D,
February 25, 2013 2:22 AM

no way to "let the pros handle it"

There is nopoint at a Jewish wedding where thosde present are asked if there is any objection. It is assumed that any such issues have been dealt with previously.

(14)
Julius,
February 8, 2013 4:30 PM

Big red flag

I have been reading (and teaching from) the articles on dating and marriage from Aish.com for two years now. Those articles usually tell us to observe the interaction in the family as an indication of how we can expect to be treated in a marriage relationship. I feel sorry for that young man. The author is justified in her concern for him. I agree with a previous comment, suggesting the Rabbi in charge of the wedding be informed.

(13)
Fay,
February 7, 2013 4:16 PM

She may have a personality disorder.

Since the author is happily married, obviously she isn't jealous! It's highly unusual for one who behaves poorly at home to be a "perfect" wife. People don't say anything when guys and/or girls get married with obvious flaws because "let her decide," etc. The sister needs major counseling now. Divorce rates have gone up because spouses are not willing to live with abusive type behaviors anymore.

Anonymous,
July 29, 2013 2:20 PM

Just because she's happily married ...

does't mean she's not jealous. sounds like her sisters boyfriend has a lot going on for him and she feels cheated. I think the meddling sister should mind her business ... obviously he sees something special in her.

(12)
Ayala,
February 5, 2013 8:17 PM

Please do something!

My husband, may he be well, is a wonderful man to all. Except his immediate family. I noticed this while we were engaged, however I was in love with him, and as he told me "I would NEVER hurt you." Well, thats not exactly what happened. His low self esteem and inability to deal with people he is around 24/7 (aka- immediate family only) has almost led to divorce. Thank G-d, through incredible hard work on both our parts, we are on the road to a better marriage, BUT every day I ask myself- how could his family have allowed him to date? how could they have allowed him to get married? and why did know one warn me or tell us to go to counseling together (not to break off the shidduch, just to give a heads up and some prevention.) They knew- he acts this way when at home, with his parents and siblings, ONLY WHEN NO ONE IS AROUND. and it is not his family's doing- it is his nature.
To the comments- You are all clueless and way to politically correct. You obviously have no understanding of psychology and such situations. You can tell by the way the letter is written that the author loves her sister and is trully concerned. And the personality of her sister is very common- talented people are loved on the outside so they are not forced to work on themselves neccessarily. And even if it is a family problem- when you get married you project ALL you problems with your family onto your husband. So it turns out- its the same concern.
To the author- a word of advice I was given when asking about a shidduch that had the potential to turn sour- call up the Rabbi in charge of the wedding and explain the situation to him. Then have him let the couple know that it is standard protocol to go to couples counseling BEFORE the wedding. He will not oversee the wedding unless this is done, as a much needed precaution nowadays.
Gluck and I applaud your concern and obvious love for your sister.

Anonymous,
February 25, 2013 2:27 AM

well said

Ayala, you have hit the nail on the head. Why does no one speak up before the couple gets engaged? They are afraid of "loshon hora". A rabbi can be (and should be) consulted as to whether the information is something that should or should not be revealed - is it loshon hora or not? After the couple is engaged, however, it is forbidden to say anything to throw off the shidduch!! When I knew the woman was diagnosed bi-polar, taking meds, and highly dysfunctional I was forbidden to say anything because they were already engaged. This is a messed up system, and needs to be changed somehow.

(11)
The author,
February 5, 2013 6:37 AM

Everyone missed the point

I am the author of the letter, and most commenters seem to have missed the point. No, I am not jealous. Thank G-d I am happily married. And no, I have no intention of getting between this couple, G-d forbid or saying anything to him. Are you kidding? She's my sister, I love her, and I want the best for her! My concern was that if she doesn't work on her character traits she is at risk for an unhappy marriage and I would hate to see that happen. So I am wondering how to get that message across subtly, to help her and not hurt her. Overly concerned? I hope so. I will be thrilled to see that she figured things out without my help.

Rivka D,
February 10, 2013 2:54 AM

tell the man!

I get it that you love your sister and only want the best for her. But due to this exact type of attitude, my husband married his first wife - and discovered that she was extremely bipolar, got so depressed she would just stay in bed, and would not consider treatment. I am not just assuming I know her diagnosis, she is now on lithium and on disability due to her condition. If only someone would have said something to him before they got engaged!! Wat a lot of misery he would have been spared!! But no, it was loshon hora and they did not want to say anything about the sister because they loved her and wanted her to be happy.

Anonymous,
February 12, 2013 6:20 PM

If as you say "everyone missed the point", did it possibly occur to you that you didn't explain yourself very well? Also just as your sister is well-liked and admired, yet you claim she has terrible flaws known only to her family, is it possible that her incredible fiance is less incredible behind closed doors. I don't know if your sister truly has problems or if she is a victim of a weird family dynamic, but you yourself seem to be very quick to judge: she's insecure etc, we have all missed the point, and the fiance is incredible. Maybe your sister is insecure because she is always being judged. And you know what, imperfect people get married too. So unless she has some kind of mental illness that the fiance should be aware of, maybe you should leave the happy couple to it.

Anonymous,
July 29, 2013 2:30 PM

dont get involved or tell the man ...

If she has alienated so many people, YOU do not want to be the one who is getting involved, if anything you want her to be able to come to you and ask you questions. I can't believe the comments I am reading ... If you want to sabotage her then tell the guy and you will scare him off.
... and to the one discussing her husbands ex wife whose on lithium ... With all due respect, it takes two to tango and I wouldn't be surprised if your husband was the one to worsen her condition and through her into that depression. She probably realized the man she was waking up to was the biggest mistake of her life.

(10)
Anonymous,
February 3, 2013 2:26 AM

correct link to Shalom Taskforce

http://www.shalomtaskforce.org/

(9)
Anonymous,
February 1, 2013 12:29 PM

Younger sister getting married before me Soon

I surprised by the harsh comments directed towards the author. Are you denying that she doesn't care at all for her sister? I am 25 years old, the oldest of 4 in my family, and have a 23 sister who will be getting married soon. It did hurt when I found out and I did cry - not going to lie, maybe from the embarrassing comments I will be getting and already got and the fact that I never met or spoke to him because I am learning abroad . "Soon by you, Im yirtzeh Hashem by you, at least she's not marrying your zivug etc" and people looking down at me, "why aren't you married yet, How's dating etc" but I am happy for my sister. Yes, I was concerned for my sister and her fiance, since I heard from my family he is very quiet and is able to only socialize with her. Also, most of my sister's friend's (and my friends) are married too. To you, this may sounds like jelousy or bragging about myself, but almost every guy I dated in the past, she asked about and wanted to go out with him as well, which was very akward. In the past, she also embarrassed me in public when we had guests over the house, calling me stupid in front of everyone, but nt when she's out of the house. At 23 years of age, I do not have regrets that my sister is getting married now since she has developed to a muchor young woman, just graduated with a degree, and had a sense of direction and clarity in her life now. I just turned 25, and the Ironic part is that I don't feel I am muchor for marriage yet and ready to be in a relationship with someone for the rest of my life - share a room with, have children with, be financially commited with.... BUT KNOW THIIS: There is a guy/girl out there for EVERY person that's Including the author here. Although both of our younger sisters will be getting married, it could be a blessing in disguise without us understanding why.

(8)
scott,
January 31, 2013 3:38 PM

A good look in the mirror

I am not an ideal candidate for marriage or fatherhood. I have big big flaws. As does everyone. Even you.
I just decided to do it and pray every day for help in doing a good job. That's all I can do.
I see my generation full of people waiting for something...I don't know what...before they start families. Haven't you heard people saying "I can't afford it"..."I need to get my career in order" " When I finish my degree...my masters...my Phd" "I can't make that kind of commitment" It goes on and on.
My parents weren't ideal candidates for parenthood forty-someodd years ago. Heck they fight and squabble today. But I am here. I am happy they decided to marry and have me. And I wouldn't want any other parents in the world (most days.)
You want to really help your sister? Encourage her. Support her. Be there as a big sister should when her little sister takes on a huge-and holy- task. Show her whats good about herself so that those things come to the forefront of her being and inspire positive growth in her weaker areas. Pray for the Almighty to help in in this as well.
Perhaps have faith in her husband-to-be that he's not a total yutz and actually sees the woman he's marrying. Perhaps the dynamic between them is better than the dynamic between her and you. I know that's the case in my marriage...my wife is so much of a completely different person in our home than in her parents home that I cringe every time we visit them. I can't wait to get her home to get her back to "normal." Her family brings out the absolute worst parts of her. It's really horrible-'cause she's an awesome wife and mother. She's my best friend-when she's not around her family.
I hate to be rude, but if my sister had such a dysfunctional relationship with me and such a low opinion of me that she was willing to point out my faults to the world in an online forum...I might be a bit of an angry passive aggressive person myself.

(7)
miriam w cohen,
January 30, 2013 7:09 PM

do not get involved

Not your job to interfere in this relationship. Your sister has the right to do what she feels is right for her. You have no way of knowing how they interact and what their dreams and plans are for the future.

(6)
JB Destiny,
January 30, 2013 5:45 PM

Maybe the family is unpleasant to your sister, Monica

Monica and her family may often try to take advantage of the young lady's good nature and she's had to assert herself to them. She appears unpleasant to them only because they want her to acquiesce to their demands, but she's not playing that game with them any longer. Just a thought...

(5)
Marion,
January 30, 2013 3:04 PM

underestimating the intended

Not only do I agree with the comments--and disagree with the response of the columnists, but I think they may well underestimate the man. He may well know that side of the sister, know how to difuse it and love the sides of her that most of the world sees. My brothers are far more upset by what they see as my moods than my husband, friends, co-workers and most people who know me.

(4)
Raphaelle Do Lern Hwei,
January 30, 2013 10:22 AM

What About Others In the Family?

Monica only mentions her relationship with her sister. How does the rest of the immediate family view her and her relationships? The passive aggressive reaction could be due to elders or parents whom both of the sisters and other siblings try to respect. Not due to Monica herself.
Perhaps she has different ideas of how to relate to others outside the family which may not be wrong but is so in the eyes of the parents. Monica did not mention if the intended life partner is of the background and upbringing which the other family members are comfortable with.

(3)
Anonymous,
January 29, 2013 10:17 PM

I had an older sister...

who was constantly trying to manage my marriage, because that is just what she does. She always knows best and I just never measured up in my family of origin. We no longer have a relationship. Go figure! Yup. Older sister needs to back off, big time.

(2)
anon,
January 29, 2013 5:38 PM

This is what you can do ...

... mind your own business.
Sounds like a severe case of jealousy to me.

(1)
goldy,
January 28, 2013 9:48 PM

am I the only one seeing the validity of the sister?

Let me get this straight. A single young girl is on the brink of getting engaged and being happy. Her sister writes in and seems to want to throw in a monkey wrench into the relationship? Claiming it is out of love and concern? Um, I do believe the bride-to-be is NOT paranoid about her family undermining her. It seems her complaint is well-founded and the author of this letter ought to be the one in therapy to sort out how harmful her approach to her sister might be. Just a thought of looking at it from another perspective. I've seen a lot of emotional abuse that were worded this way.

Baila,
January 29, 2013 4:17 PM

I agree with you Goldy

The sister writing this letter should be ashamed of herself. She is most definely jealous of her soon to be engaged younger sister. My guess is that she herself wants this guy not to mention that no one has of yet wanted her!!! Marriage Workshops are great for all couples contemplating marriage and being married.

Anonymous,
January 29, 2013 6:49 PM

agree totally with goldy's comment above

Older sisters think they know everything, and refuse to see anything but the baby sister with "issues." I should know. I am a younger sister. Now in my 40's, I continue to get spoken to as if I'm still that 16-year-old in her mind. The sister should just BUTT OUT, plain and simple. If the younger sister gets married, and loves her husband, they will work through anything together, without outside "help" (interference) from her sister or other birth famiily members.

Allie,
January 29, 2013 9:41 PM

Not the only one

No, Goldy. It's not just you. You really took the words right out of my mouth (fingers?). This sister isn't paranoid that her relatives are trying to undermine her. Mainly because it's not paranoia when it's true. The letter writer explicitly states that she "frankly, I feel very bad for this guy" regarding the potential fiance, and made it clear that she has ALREADY effectively told her sister that the potential fiance deserves better than what she can offer him.
The person I feel bad for is the sister being written about. Her family ... wow. I just don't even know what else to say. I'm appalled that this letter was even written, and even more appalled that Rosie and Sherry declined to take the very available opportunity to indicate this to the letter writer, instead choosing a milder statement that these issues likely "have some basis in your shared family history."
Shameful all around.

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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