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You are my break in this storm. The brightest star in a miserable darkness. You are my comfort, because so long as you are within me, I am not alone. Even when I feel I am.

Even when I sit here in the darkness of my bedroom, feeling cast out by my husband, hands shaking, and with a heavy heart. I sink my head into the comfort of my blanket, eyes welling up with tears for a kind of love I so desperately long for, and I will probably never recieve from him.

And you kick me.

It startles me, and despite how lost I feel in that moment, I smile and sit up enough to cradle you in my tummy. I run ruined, roughly scaled fingertips across my belly, but perhaps to you, it is the most important sensation in whatever world you live inside me. My touch is soft and loving, and means something to you, and for me, that's enough.

Any thought of self harm, or allowing myself to sink into my persistent depression, ceases in that moment I spend with you beneath my palms.

Nova Lynn, you are the balm to an aching soul. And some day, daughter, when you are old enough to understand, I will tell you about how you've probably saved my life multiple times. Because Mommy's depression is a fierce beast, that coerces horrible thoughts into her head despite herself. But, it is a beast that will be beaten, so long as I have you, and you alone.