Angry that he was left off the Rockies' postseason roster, angry at his botched attempt to help the Rockies win their first National League West title, and angry about his growing reputation as a pitcher who melts down when the heat's turned up.

But make no mistake, his ire is directed at himself. His goal this offseason is to channel that fury into something positive and rebuild himself, physically and mentally, to harness his potential.

"I'm ready to be a part of things. I feel I missed out on too much. ... I'm ready to use it as motivation to make myself bigger and stronger. I'm going to throw the damn ball 100 miles an hour again."

To that end, Gray has been pushing himself through punishing offseason workouts, four times a week, at Landow Performance in Centennial, the training facility owned by Broncos strength-and-conditioning coach Loren Landow. Gray's goal is to add 20 pounds to his 6-foot-4 frame and check into spring training at 235 pounds.

If Gray is successful in his physical — and mental — rebuild, he could team with Kyle Freeland and German Marquez to give the 2019 Rockies one of the best front-end rotations in the National League. Pitching coach Steve Foster is confident he will do so.

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"Do I think Jon can get better? Absolutely," said Foster, who goes so far as to draw parallels between Gray and a young Max Scherzer, who has gone on to win three Cy Young Awards. "Do I think Jon can move past last season? Absolutely. And I expect him to. Why do I believe that? Because I believe in the person. I've seen enough and I've spent enough time with Jon to believe he's going to be great in big moments in the future."

First though, Gray must slay his demons.

The meltdowns

Gray's 2017 season ended with a 1 L-inning, four-run collapse in the NL wild-card game loss at Arizona. Tabbed as Colorado's 2018 opening-day starter, he once again flopped at Chase Field, lasting just four-plus innings in an 8-2 loss to the Diamondbacks. Then came his meltdown on the final Saturday of the regular season. Gray was pummeled for five runs and seven hits in two innings in a 12-2 loss to Washington at Coors Field. The defeat ended the Rockies' nine-game winning streak, forced them into an NL West tiebreaker with the Dodgers, and ultimately kept the Rockies from winning their first division crown in their 26-season history.

Gray went 10-4 with a 3.67 ERA and a 1.296 WHIP in 20 starts in 2017, the type of numbers expected from the third overall player selected in the 2013 draft. But he took a huge step backward this past season, going 12-9 with a 5.12 ERA and getting sent down to Triple-A Albuquerque for a tuneup at mid-season.

He is well aware that there are fans and media who've written him off as a pitcher whose nerve doesn't match his physical skills. He disputes that perception.

"If that's what they want to believe, they can believe it," he said. "But I'm not afraid to get my (butt) kicked. I've got my (butt) kicked 1,000 times. I'm not afraid to get it kicked 1,001 times. It's not like that.

"If I'm down, I'm (ticked) off at myself. I'm not (ticked) off at the guy who hit the homer or that the umpire missed a call, I'm mad at myself for not doing better."

Reliever Adam Ottavino, now a coveted free agent, can relate to Gray's tribulations. Ottavino was left off the Rockies' 2017 playoff roster because of his bouts of wildness and ineffectiveness. He rebounded with the best season of his career, posting a 2.43 ERA with 112 strikeouts, the most ever by a Rockies relief pitcher.

"He's at a point where his career can go really up from here, because he's had success and he's had failure," Ottavino said. "But if he can come out of the failure, and come out of it a little bit more mentally tough, and with a little more diverse skill set, he'll succeed.

"He already has the foundation of talent that's hard to find. That makes his floor relatively high. But in games, he needs a little bit more of what Freeland has, and Marquez has, and that's the ability to compete and not overthink, not fight yourself so much."

At the end of the season, Ottavino witnessed something that left him feeling positive.

"When Jon was left off the playoff roster, I could see that he was (mad) about it, but it was placed in the right direction," Ottavino recalled. "That's how I felt the previous year. The last thing I said to Jon when the season was over was, 'Hey, this offseason is big for you. Come back better than ever.' And he was very forceful and said to me, 'You better believe it.' "

Foster, meanwhile, bristles at the mounting criticism that came with Gray's disappointing season.

"To just selectively pull out the 2018 season and say, 'What's wrong with Jon Gray?' I don't think that's fair to Jon Gray," Foster said. "His 2018 was an inconsistent season. That's the easy word for Jon's 2018 season. But in that inconsistency, there were moments of greatness, as well as moments of not very good."

Building back velocity

What Gray desperately needs is finding a consistency that allows him to optimize his talent.

"Honestly, I think I'm a power pitcher," he said. "I'm a guy that wipes people out with sliders. I pitch inside. I pitch up in the zone. That's me. But if I have the ability to do other things, like throw curves, I think that's going to help."

But only if he gets his act together. Gray's pitch mix changed from 2017 to 2018, and his velocity fell off as well, according to Fangraphs. In 2018, Gray threw his four-seam fastball 49.6 percent of the time, down from 57.4 percent in 2017. His average fastball velocity dipped from 96.4 in 2017 to 95.3. In 2017, Gray threw his slider 27.5 percent of the time at 90.1 mph, vs. 34 percent of the time at 88 mph in 2018.

Gray connects his loss of velocity to a loss of weight and strength. Because he gets so keyed up, Gray hardly eats on game days. That formula worked OK in past years. For example, on Sept. 27, 2016, when he pitched a complete game and struck out 16 San Diego hitters, he was fueled only with a protein shake, a banana and Goldfish crackers.

But that formula backfired last season when his weight dropped from 235 to 215 pounds by the end of the season.

"I was having a hard time eating," he said. "I was working with the chef with the Rockies and we got these rice and chicken bowls that I could kind of stomach down on start days. We had some shakes and some carb drinks. But it's hard to maintain your weight if every five days you can't eat. It's something I have to change."

Following Ottavino's lead from last offseason, Gray plans to spend a few days in January at Driveline Baseball, a high-tech training and analysis facility in Kent, Wash. While Gray does not approach pitching from an analytical and video perspective with the same fervor as Ottavino does, Gray is determined to try and figure out a few things from a mechanical standpoint.

"Jon is trying to get back to what he feels is a more powerful presence on the mound," Ottavino said. "Their initial calling card was helping guys with their velocity. If that's what Jon's looking for, he's going to get some good ideas from them."

Yet for Gray's rebuild to be successful, it's going to take not only strength of body and tweaks to his mechanics, it's going to take strength of mind.

"What Jon has to get better at is short memory," Foster said. "The weight gain and strength is crucial, too. But the short-term memory is critical if Jon wants to use last year as a learning year."

Gray is confident his best is yet to come.

"I know what I can do and I know it's not going away," he said. "I have a lot more fight left in me. I don't feel like I've even come close to being the pitcher that I can be. So that's part of the fun, really. That's part of the mystery and I can't wait to unravel it."

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