Friday, March 11, 2011

I am feeling guilty. A Mommy died last night. She did what single Moms do all over the world. She dropped the kids off at daycare, kissed them goodbye for a little while… but… then she died.

I pray that she doesn’t know she left. I pray that she didn’t or doesn’t hurt. I pray for those two little people who will grow up without their Mommy. How their hearts must ache for her. Mommy is the one who explains the hard stuff, who helps you through the rough things and kisses all your hurts. I wonder who will help them through the toughest thing they will ever do, who will explain that Mommy is never coming back and who will kiss their hurts?

I feel guilty for having my children here safe and sound, family intact and she does not.

I feel guilty for being upset with the piles of laundry because she will never again do their laundry. She won’t ever again look at each t-shirt or little sock marveling at how much her babies have grown.

I feel guilty for grumbling at the unmade beds when she will never again make their beds. She will never again see the little divot their little bodies made in the bed or smell that sweet baby smell on their sheets.

Feeling guilty for wishing they would play a little quieter because she will never again hear them play. See them play, smell them, feel them … be with them, watch them grow, watch them graduate, see them become adults and maybe even Mommies themselves.

I feel guilty for having these possibilities and not appreciating everything. Not just the cute things they say or how sweet they look when they sleep… but EVERYTHING… even the laundry, the mess and the noise because I know that if it was all taken from me… even those things would be precious.

In honor of the Mommy that died…. I will pledge gratitude for all that I am blessed. May I never need reminding!