"What it must look and smell like when a movie brain vomits. Truly worthless."
-Variety

Friday, September 16, 2011

Time for Curly to get a spring on his ass again...

Republic of Televania... the very idea. Welp, Three Little Sew and Sews finds the boys as tailors, employed by the Navy this time, apparently. And once again, they must play second fiddle to the main story. But having to play second fiddle to the likes of James C. Morton, the third greatest thing to come out of Montana and find its way to Hollywood... the other two being Dana Carvey and David Lynch, of course... there's probably others I'm forgetting, of course. Sure are plenty going the other way, even now, no? Bruce Willis, Madeleine Stowe, all sorts of Hollywood phonies getting their slice of the Montana pie. Gotta love them huckleberries! Anyway, this Admiral fella gets an invitation to a fancy luncheon. The Admiral's name is... wait for it........ Taylor! Coincidence? I hope so.

ACT ONEWe find the boys in a terribly disgruntled state. I've never seen Moe do an impression of Curly! Or have I? Must've happened at least once. The boys are trying to leave early for the weekend, when the big assignment comes down: press the Admiral's suit so he can get to that damn luncheon. Meanwhile, Curly becomes a blatant opportunist after finding the invitation letter in the jacket pocket. He puts on the uniform, gets Moe and Larry thrown in the brig for striking an "officer," then rubs it in... until he gets caught, by Admiral Taylor no less! Curly manages to get away from Taylor's clutches, get Moe and Larry released, and off to the party they go.

ACT TWOScene: Count Gehrol's party. Curly works fast and sits on a couch with a lady spy whose attempts to massage info out of Curly have to be intensified due to the film's short running time. Moe and Larry try to impress a couple chicks the only way they know how: showing off their tattoos, of course! Some interesting dubbing from 7:10 to 7:15 in the aforementioned YouTube link. Curly also uses his normal voice throughout the proceedings, most notably in the brig where Moe and Larry were locked up. Dude! Curly's pitching some SERIOUS woo! So much so that Vernon Dent gets rubbed the wrong way by it. Offended, even! Well, he was a Christian Scientist, apparently... then again, maybe not. Curly's attempts to plead ignorant, and the dame's attempts to squeeze information... where does it all end? Anyway, one thing leads to another, and Curly's attempts to score backfire. Cue the spring. Cue the struggle to escape the gravity of the couch. Vernon Dent cracks up. Curly tells him "You're getting in my hair!", which he'll tell Vernon in a similar situation in An Ache in Every Stake, if I remember correctly. Enter the REAL Admiral Taylor... SPOILER ALERT. Watch it yourself now! Okay, you asked for it! Bud Jamison as the cop guarding the Count's party, is all too eager to eject James C. Morton from the party, save for one last test: the real Admiral Taylor will ask the Stooges if they will admit that they're impostors and that the real Admiral Taylor is the real Admiral Taylor. The charade continues. James C. Morton is ejected, the Stooges plan thehttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifir escape from the Navy, and the Count, a spy, proceeds to work his magic vis-a-vis that dame again. The Stooges take her to a submarine... something like that. They leave the party, but not before Larry and Curly engage in some petty larceny of some bakery goods. Larry's not usually one to steal cake, but desperate times call for desperate desserts!.... something like that.

ACT THREEOh, it turns into a big action climax! I simply can't give you the blow-by-blow for fear of ruining it. They at least don't resort to the old two-guys-in-one-coat fight scene strategy which you'll see several times if you're a Stooge film addict like me. But we do see the depth gauge, apparently designed by the Moore Shipbuilding Company, showing that the sub hits the ocean floor. Curly practices for when they run out of air. Well, a man's got to know his limitations, and seeing as how the Stooges probably don't know how to drive a sub... and then the dramatic tension is cranked up another couple notches. The orders are now to destroy the sub at all costs. "That is all," says the voice. Says Moe, "That is all? Ain't that enough?" The boys get busy turning wheels, spinning dials, anything to end this damn movie!!! And then, through a miracle, the sub rises back into the water and starts moving. Curly starts n'yuk n'yuk-ing out of sheer joie de vivre, closes his eyes, turns a certain knob, them BLAM!!! A blast of water right in the face. I don't think he was quite prepared for the sheer magnitude of the blast. Good lord. He would've been better off getting poked in the eyes. It happens at 5:26 here. Okay, I gotta try and wrap this up now. Three more minutes to go!!! ...you know what? Why should I suffer alone? A classic. Four stars.