I’m not gonna lie – doing a session for another photographer adds a little bit of nervousness on my end – so you can imagine a wedding! We had talked before that Autumn could have 5 freak out moments available to her. She could tell me what a horrible job I was doing – what shots I wasn’t getting – could just totally FREAK out if she needed to. She didn’t use ONE – not a single one! I honestly don’t know if I could keep my cool as a bride and a photographer!

She didn’t even freak out about the rain – and did it rain. And rain and rain and rain. The forecast was AWFUL – monsoon like winds and rain all day – getting severe around 3 pm – right when the ceremony started. Thankfully – it rained all morning. The ceremony was moved inside – BUT – we were able to get outside pictures and it was clear for the rest of the night!

Autumn is a CRAZY crafty girl. She made most of the things for her wedding – beautifully!

If you remember her bridal session shoes – they were pink. So Autumn painted them – awesome!

We live in Jared’s grandparents’ house (and it’s looking more and more like we won’t be moving to Wellsboro (insert sad face) so I better start saying OUR house) – and while his grandparents are here in PA – they stay with Jared’s parents.

They left a little early this year and I wanted to make sure to get some photos with them!

My dear friend Megan came up and took these photos really quick for us -

After dinner I took these ones!

SO SWEET!

OH MY HEART!

16 months in this photo – 16 months going on 5 – oh my goodness!

Megan – thank you SO much for coming up and taking a few shots for us!

Today is Thursday – September 13th. Your due date was today. We should have been in the hospital – looking down at your sweet face. Marveling over your tiny hands and how much you look like your brother. Wondering what color your eyes would be – if you would have blonde hair like Fitzy. Announcing your name to everyone and watching their reactions over this tiny miracle.

Instead – you are celebrating in heaven with your older and younger brother. Enoch and Lewis are holding your hand. Everything happens for a reason. If we hadn’t lost you – we wouldn’t have baby Lewis – but we won’t get to hold him either. You are at peace and surrounded by love and joy. I imagine that you dance and clap your hands like Fitzy does when he hears worship music – that you follow Jesus around just to be near Him. I doubt that in heaven you even have time to think about us – but I imagine you do.

This has been the hardest year of our lives – and there have been some pretty hard ones. When we found out about you we were so shocked and thankful. The day I started bleeding – I knew I was losing you. I held onto Fitzy and cried. I prayed for you to stay – but soon my prayers changed. I prayed for strength to handle this life without you. The strength I would need in knowing that I wouldn’t see your face for a long time. I wouldn’t hold you. I wouldn’t hear your cries and your laughter. I wouldn’t listen to you say mama. I wouldn’t watch you grow. I wouldn’t cry as your dad danced with you at your wedding. I wouldn’t marvel over your babies one day. I prayed for the strength I would need in knowing that one more time I would have to say goodbye to one of my babies.

It was really hard. Our reactions surprised us – shook us to our very cores. We lost hope. We were angry that Jesus was dancing with you and we wouldn’t be. We had been through this before – and while that made it a little easier to swallow – we still felt numb. We still feel numb sometimes. People ask me if Fitzy is our only. Sometimes I say yes. Sometimes I say no. I don’t like to make people uncomfortable – but I want them to know that we didn’t forget about you. I want the world to know that I am a mother of four – while I only hold one.

I don’t want YOU to think we have forgotten you. Sometimes I feel guilty for being happy – for laughing and smiling. For enjoying life – because you are not here. It’s not fair.

But it is beautiful. Because you are surrounded by love. You are surrounded by beauty.

JC – I miss you more than you could ever know. I have friends that are having babies just days from your birthday. I don’t know how I’m going to see them. I don’t know how I’m going to look at their babies and feel joy and not jealousy. I don’t know why you came to us for such a short time – but we are blessed to call you our daughter. Fitzy would love you so much.