Freaky Fug Friday Giveaway of Muuuuuuurder: Aaron Johnson

You may have seen the hilariously awesome news that the author of the Gossip Girl books, Cecily von Ziegesar, has just published a book that reimagines the series as if Blair and Serena are serial-killing high-school students. It’s a hugely unusual, possibly very therapeutic for her, and also intensely entertaining idea — and I hope the TV series, when it ends, decides to go out in a similar blaze of glory. Anyway, a spanking new copy of Gossip Girl: Psycho Killer is the prize for three lucky winners of this week’s Freaky Fug Friday contest, and for a teaser, you HAVE to look at the cover. It’s the same as the original one, but doused in blood. Perfect for Halloween — which, incidentally, is when we’ll be announcing the people who psycho-kill this competition. Har.

THE SUBJECT: Aaron Johnson, whom you might know as the 21-year old actor/paramour of director Sam Taylor-Wood (they came out as a couple when he was 19, and she was roundabout 42), and the father of two children with her (one currently gestating). As far as we know, he is not currently the ringmaster of a circus of MUUUUURDER, but I suppose anything is possible. Now, please note, we suspect this Olde Timey Villain look is not Aaron’s choice; he’s currently playing a marijuana grower in the adaptation of Savages, and we assume this is what that movie decided marijuana growers look like. This seems questionable, but if indeed it turns out that America’s pot farmers do style themselves as if they’re two seconds away from tying damsels to the tracks in a rent dispute, we will happily mail them a top hat and some mustache wax and be on our merry way.

THE TASK: Let’s exhume our old favorite, the acrostic poem — no specific meter, but the first letter of each line must spell out an apt word or phrase. The topic is, the mystery in which this goofily groomed gent might be embroiled. Is he the killer? The victim? The red herring? The cop? Colonel Mustard? — and make sure the word spells out something scary, like “muuuuuurder,” or “President Kardashian,” or “prohibition.” (Although let’s keep it nice and frothy and apolitical and whatnot. Friday of Halloween weekend is no time for intelligent discourse on any subject except which orange or black cocktails taste the best.)

THE DEADLINE: 10 p.m. Pacific on Sunday night. Be sure and post all submissions in the comments of this entry, or else they won’t be considered. Now get cracking! Serena and Blair are doing a whole lot of muuuuuuuurdering and you’re going to want to catch up on it.

I hate to be mean, but they look more like mother-son than girlfriend-boyfriend. They seem happy (for now) and have another baby on the way. Some people are born old souls. Maybe that’s the case with him. He is really hot even with the ridiculous mustache and crazy hair. What a handsome face!

Oh, girls. I love the photo + contest but hate the prize. Gossip Girl psycho killer? Come on. The book is sooooo graphic and yet is marketed to young teens. Totally against it, even though I love the GG tv show.

I will never never never say one unkind word about a couple where the woman is older than the man, and I don’t care how much older. Not until we stop seeing 60 and 70 year old men with 40, 30 or even 25 year old women in the movies on a regular basis, and somehow everyone acts as if it is totally plausible and fine for the man to be old enough to be her *grandfather*.

One of my favourite Twitter moments was when Alec Baldwin had to correct all his naysayers by reminding them that his new fiance wasn’t 26 – she was actually 27….because that’s suddently not such a striking age difference….

“Johnson did it!” they cried.
All eyes quickly turning to where he stood,
Innocently grooming his mustache with a tiny comb.
Ladies and gentleman of the jury, I ask you.
Be it not a crime against nature for a grown man to sport
A dishwater-blonde spiral perm in the year 2011?
It was so deemed, and poor Johnson was never to be seen nor heard from again. And the widow
Taylor-Wood thus did mourn, but only ‘til she ran off with the paperboy.

Gallivanting around town, he
Entices women with his crown, of
Tangled curls, gold and brown
A ‘stache of hauteur, slight look of
Craze, he
Lures the cougar in a haze
Unsure of why he makes them nervous
Earl Aaron Johnson, at your service

At this time of year I REFUSE to make fun of ANY mustache. Amazing people grow horrible mustaches this time of year to bring awareness to Prostate Cancer & I suggest you check out Movember to learn more about it. http://us.movember.com/

Should this be Hollywood in the olden days, though,
An Arab prince or
Nifty white-hatted cowboy will
Definitely save the day and
Arrive in the nick of time to rescue our
Leopard print wearing leading lady. A
Stetson might cover the bad hair too, girlfriend.

Everyone who was anyone knew that
Mr. Johnson obsessed over his hat.
Pine and pine did he when he saw
That his hat was missing – oh, good God!
Yet that wouldn’t stop this gentleman’s quest,

‘Cause Mr. Johnson must always look his best.
And search all across the land, he did,
No hat could he find that matched the one that hid.
“Dastardly Bastard!” he thought to the thief as he searched,
“You will never get away with this crime – you are cursed!”

But then, coming after weeks of hat-head and shame,
Old Johnson’s end to the search came,
What did he find when he lowered his head -
“Lord! Could it be?” he thought, staring down at the bed:
Sitting there was his hat, along with his wife, long dead.

A blonde D’Artagnan,
Never one to fully believe in the concept of grooming
Or personal hygiene,
Took a tour of the local sights.
He saw a man, a nonthreatening man,
Every bit as hairily challenged as he was, yet
Rather handsome.

Knowledgeable in the ways of the world, thus
Attentive to the needs of the ladies, especially of those
Rather seasoned,
D’Artagnan, eagerly expecting sartorial advice,
Asked the man, his name still unknown:
“Should I wear my hair back or naturally flowing?
How about cutting yours, to look less homeless?
I do need to bring a certain Oomph,
After all, I outKutchered Kutcher —
No way! That’s you?”

Oh my, he muttered under his breath,
Has he gone mad, has he done drugs,

Maybe he’s a cautionary tale:
You’re in trouble when you unironically look like Jesus.

Gotta go get a shave, it’s Either-Or, Either boobs
Or legs, Either head Or face, never ever ever both:
D’Artagnan’s facial hair will be nevermore.

Buoyant Mustache Rides? Outwardly, I am cool as ice
And will offer them at half price
Tho inwardly I seethe, because, unlike my fully mustachioed foes, Mother Nature
Erased the area right under my nose
So, I smote my enemies in a jealous rage, vowing to
Mate with others only if twice my age
Oh, try me not, all Bearded Ones- this killing spree has just begun and
Those in Menopause, I clearly seek, with hirsute chins and un-sleek cheeks
Egads, Beware! For I will do the Monster Mash on every hairy
Lad who dares to dis the Lady ‘Stache

Buoyant Mustache Rides? Outwardly, I am cool as ice
And will offer them at half price
Tho inwardly I seethe, because, unlike my fully mustachioed foes, Mother Nature
Erased the area right under my nose
So, I smote my enemies in a jealous rage, vowing to
Mate with others only if twice my age
Oh, try me not, all Bearded Ones- this killing spree has just begun and
Those in Menopause, I clearly seek, with hirsute chins and un-sleek cheeks
Egads, Beware! For I will do the Monster Mash on every hairy
Lad who dares to dis the Lady ‘Stache

AHHH! Formatting for me too…..BATES MOTEL….that’s what I was going for…..

D elighted to make your
A cquaintance, there are
N o words to
D escribe how
Y ou…
L ike to watch as we
I nstantly seem so creepy and yet
S o right for one another
C ause we all know
I look young enough to be her son and yet I am the
O ne who is outwardly refined and
U nderneath it all
S tuck with this mustache and pin stripped suit to show the world I am the dandy man that did her in…mwha ha ha ha ha (evil laugh)

Tempting as it is to
Embroil this ridiculous incomplete mustache in
Elegant prose,
No man
Should leave
The house in a shiny, double-breasted tuxedo.
Additionally, matching your wife’s shiny coat covering her
Cougar top (because of the animal print, not the age – I do not judge)
Hinders the ability to
Enjoy the face (crazy ‘stache included).

This guy seems to want to be a
Willie Wonka with his
Indescribable need to
Lick wallpaper
In his place of business of young
Girl and boy disposing factory
He actually looks one of
Those baseball loving Cullens.

“Love”, he though
“Only love matters in this word.”
Honestly, when they first met
And the attraction sparked,
No one was more surprised than he.

For he’d always been a superficial sort
(Actors nearly always are).
Many called him shallow, but
Image is undeniably important in
L. A., and he thought his soul-mate would be
Young and beautiful; the quintessential starlet.

“Re-think your bias!” his heart cried when he saw Sam,
“Embrace the beauty of Autumn though you live in spring!”
Until he found her
Nothing felt real; he was alone even
In a room full of people.
Only she supports him, understands him and
Never mocks his ‘stache.

Dear children, a mystery to ponder:Enter our protagonist,Aspiring Evil Villain,Too glassy-eyed to realizeHis face-fur is more suited to aBrothel patron on lunch fromYe olde general store.E</b<lder brother SnidelyNabs all the supervillain glory,Not-quite-so-Eeevil Smugly is tooUnconcerned to live.Is apathy a killer?

Dear children, a mystery to ponder:
Enter our protagonist,
Aspiring Evil Villain,
Too glassy-eyed to realize
His face-fur is more suited to a
Brothel patron on leave from
Ye olde general store.
Elder brother Snidely
Nabs all the supervillain glory,
Not-quite-so-Eeevil Smugly is too
Unconcerned to live.
Is apathy a killer?

G ood fortune! thought the lonely heiress whenR akish Alfred Pennythwaite came wooing.I n fact, his mustachios hid dark secrets:F or Alfie’s love was but a long con. But wait!T he night of the big soiree, young Alfie was poisonedE re his deceit was discovered. Quick, someoneR ing Miss Marple!

Sad, isn’t it?Now that cartoons primarily feature yellow sponges or little latina adventuresses,It is near-impossible to find anyone to root for.Dastardly villains once abounded;Each festooned with marvelous moustache and abhorrent apparel,Leading all to cheer as he concocted his underhanded plot.You just can’t find that today.

When men like Aaron Johnson must step up and lead the wayHaving no celebrity or raison d’être whatsoever,It worries me for the future of the Boris Badenoughs & Natasha Fatales.Please, the evil role models of today aren’t worth the salt they sweat through their coke binges:Lohan;Audrina;Snookie.Help the children: bring back the Whiplash!

So on the eve of All Hallows
Now we have to ponder this:
On a rather handsome man,
What hideousness sits atop his lips

Is it a Guy Fawkes tribute?
No, it cannot be.

Of course it could be a sexy tool.
Clearly a stache this waxy and wiry,
To his wife, might an aphrodisiac be.
Oh, to have one’s cobwebs cleaned,
By something so itchy and scary.
Every one, I suppose, deserves a Halloween treat.
Remember, though, to make mine not so hairy.

Manly moustache cannot hide
Abject horror of his aging bride
Can he cut the ties? Creep away?
An upper east side girl is keen to play.
Bring your best D&G
Refreshed and cock sure
Eliminate the competition and wait by the door
For a blonde or a redhead or maybe both
Of stunning physique but bearing an oath
Rid yourself of your problem of old
Middle aged, quite droopy, 2 babes left too hold
Call off the planned match and escape if you can
Quick to her side be her very best man
Entreat her to swap her knives for McQueen
Else a warning to others you shall be
Never cross Serena or her friend Queen B