Carl Alasko: First, take care of yourself

Dear Dr. Alasko: My spouse and I just hosted six family members at our home for the holidays. Two of them brought new boyfriends, which really stressed us. They promised they'd help clean up but didn't do much. There were a few good times but we don't think it was worth all the work we did —- and the general lack of gratitude. How can we make sure this doesn't happen again without coming off as selfish and mean?

Dear Reader: It's not easy predicting how a family visit's going to turn out, but now you know what doesn't work. Namely, hosting so many people pushed the limits of your ability to cope. (I think it would be beyond just about anyone's ability.)

There's a well-known concept that's not used very often but can be extremely helpful in this situation. It's called "self-care" and is defined as taking care of your core needs, your authentic long-term best interests. Which means saying "no" to all those things which do not advance your long-term best interests.

The most common reaction to this idea is that it sounds selfish. Upon examination, however, it's quite the opposite. Your first responsibility is always to yourself. You can't really interact with people in a healthy way if you yourself are not healthy. This is a solid fact of living.

When you are actively taking care of yourself, you have to carefully assess your limits. How far can you extend yourself before you feel exhausted or exploited.

In your case, now you know that running a hotel for a lot of people is too much work for you. Even when guests are truly helpful, it's still very demanding. So your basic needs are for peace and comfort in your own home.

Saying no is intrinsic to self-care. It's an excellent word and when used judiciously can be very satisfying. So next time you're asked to have that many people in your home you can say, "We can only host two people for the holiday. That's all." This is an elegant compromise that protects your sanity and yet offers some generosity.

(An exception is a true emergency, when someone really needs your help and there are no alternatives.)

In a recent column about Christmas, I said that giving a gift to an adult who doesn't need what you're giving is a frivolous waste of energy. The feedback has been highly supportive of this idea.

When a friend complained about having to buy numerous gifts for her adult family members, I suggested she opt out of giving gifts. She instantly rejected the idea. "I couldn't do that! I'd feel so guilty." Which means she'll continue doing what she's always done and will continue to complain about it. Her self-care is woefully inadequate and she'll continue to view Christmas as mostly a burden rather than a celebration.

The beauty of saying "no" to excessive demands is that your energy is liberated to focus on activities more aligned with your basic needs. And that's healthy. Have a healthy, happy New Year.

Carl Alasko, a licensed marriage and family therapist, is the author of "Emotional BS" and "Beyond Blame." For information about his books, see: carlalasko.com. Contact him at dralasko@gmail.com.