Basu: Thankfully, a mother's work is never done

May 12, 2012

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It seems appropriate that Motherís Day falls on what, for many, is graduation weekend. We are supposed to raise our children to eventually let them go.

Iíve tried to embrace that mantra in sending two sons off to college. But in truth, I donít buy the notion that total independence is natural or inevitable. We will always need our mothers, and our mothers will always need us.

Luckily for those who feel this way, the break that once seemed final is more fungible now. Maintaining closeness is easier. When many of us Baby Boomers went to school, technology dictated that calls home were made weekly from the pay phone down the dorm hall. Now cell phones, Skype and instant messaging make it possible to talk anytime.

The path from home to independence is no longer linear; it swerves and circles back. The kid who left home for college six years ago may be back home in his old room, at least for a while. Though the reasons for that, mainly a tough economy, may be discouraging, something valuable might come of the experience. Maybe weíll learn the rugged individualism our society has celebrated was overrated.

Not long ago, the typical American trajectory went this way: high school, then college or military service, marriage, then motherhood. Whatever geographic relocation was necessary to meet the demands of upward mobility, you learned to go, and not to sentimentalize the separations.

Now, as decent paying jobs are harder to come by, more than one in five 25- to 34-year-olds is moving back in with parents, the highest rate since the 1950s. Relaxed sexual mores make it easier for young people to live at home and still have relationships.

Marriages are being delayed ó less than half of American households have married couples ó though babies often are not. Today 41 percent of births are to unmarried women. Mothers of my generation are being drawn back in to help raise babies of their sons and daughters.

Those studying these trends tend to view Millennialsí dependency on parents largely negatively. They talk about prolonged adolescence and boysí ďfailure to launch.Ē In their view, the continued attachment to the older generation represents a refusal to grow up. And though in some cases it might, what I observe is more real closeness, communication and fun between parents and their older children.

For some of us rooted in ancient cultures, whether Sicily, Punjab or Samoa, the interdependence is natural. Our ancestors grew up in homes where three generations lived long-term under one roof. There was nothing embarrassing about being 24, or 50, and living with your parents. It makes practical sense, where the family inheritance is tied up in a single piece of property, that everyone should share it.

Joint family living can stifle independence, especially when roles are rigidly assigned and hierarchical. Some old models would need adapting to modern life. But it has advantages. There is always a built-in community of cousins to play with and sisters-in-law to bond with. Grandparents and grandchildren have constant access to each other, and no one gets isolated.

Living together isnít necessary, but the mutual support, affection and dependence families share makes life more secure and joyful at any age. Our children infuse us with new ideas and energy. Our parents remind us of who we are.

As my younger son graduates from college next week, I wonít be thinking my job as mother is done. Iíll be grateful for how much I can still depend on my own mother, who, at 88, is flying in from India with my nephew for the occasion. Going it alone can be overrated.