fighting &quot;the shadow&quot;

My first does was alone, I was the in-experienced and over-confident, stereotypical pot-head trying to reach the ever so sought after "frying my ballz off" state of mind.

My first does was alone, I was the in-experienced and over-confident, stereotypical pot-head trying to reach the ever so sought after "frying my ballz off" state of mind. I consumed 100 liberty caps worth of tea, and proceeded to lie in a dark room listening to tool. Long story short... complete terror reaching the inner depths of my soul, every torturous vision come to my minds eye, repressed childhood nightmares reoccurred sending me into a suicidal-psychotic immersive super-nightmare. I was restrained by my 2 brothers and driven to the hospital, which turned out to be a very enjoyable and therapeutic (not to mention COLORFUL), plateau.

2 years later...

I started to give mushrooms another shot, using them with my buddies, in more manageable doses, purely for the enjoyable effects i.e.; heightened senses, enhanced colors...ect

On my fourth trip I came home three hours into it on 4grams dried cubensis (I weigh 165) the first thing I realized was an immense sense of relief after leaving my friends. I felt like their presence was hindering my ability to think to myself and reflect, therefore limiting my creativity and making me anxious.

I stepped out of the car took in my surroundings and felt an extreme connection to nature, while man-made things seemed strange and surreal. I went inside to fetch my dog and we went on an adventure, I could feel my dog's curiosity of scent and followed her everywhere she went, we ran through the fields and forests (I live on acreage) and ended up at the top of the tallest hill for miles, valleys on every side with a ring of 100 foot tall fir trees surrounding me. We were in the sky, stars stretched across the deep blue and purple sky and the full moon shine down, it was like everything was in line and I was at the center of the universe, I felt like pure spirit connected to the spirit world, equal with every other human spirit and able to travel freely to whatever realm of existence I wish simply by gazing at the correct alignment of stars.

some outward enmity urged me to "know thy self" and I immediately felt a rushing sensation, upwards into the stars where I saw myself in my everyday life, like a confused monkey who was mistakenly awarded with a soul. At first it was painful to encounter and accuse myself with recklessness, carelessness and lust. The burrier of all my repressed memories and actions that went against my morals, but I have made exceptions to continue, were remembered and shameful (I call the force that conceals all your repressed feelings you encounter in this stage "the shadow") I made peace with them and convictions to change all my incorrect actions. after this I felt a sense of wholeness which I believe was total oneness with my soul as a part of the bigger and greater, spiritual ecosystem I sensed an overwhelming source of love which seemed to be the source of all life and felt myself within it.

after I got out of this spirit world mode I was back on planet earth in nature, and this was devine, I enjoyed every bit of it, I felt in harmony with my surroundings.

later I went home realizing that it felt like I had been gone for a time equivalent to the timeline of the earth.

since this mystical experience I have had nothing but positive energy towards bettering my world. I've been making paintings and writing poetry/music to influence people to make the world a better place and find themselves and god.

I have learned that the best way to trip is to take a manageable dose, meditate and confront "the shadow"(you're repressed memories and insight, which will surface no matter what, it’s just whether you understand them or not) make peace with it and come to realizations. Then you can enjoy the goodness of the world.

Recognize these graces.
Mushrooms can be misused, if you only seek pleasure, you will be punishing yourself by further repressing your “shadow” .