We were among friends, and it came up for discussion what punishment should be inflicted upon unfaithful wives. Boniface Salutati said the best punishment of all, according to him, was that with which a friend of his from Tolentino had once threatened his wife. And when we asked him what this might be, he said: “Franciscus Philelphus, not a very honorable man, has a wife of a generous nature, and she was even once or twice very forthcoming to me. One night I came to his house, when, listening outside, I heard the two of them engaged in a terrible quarrel. The husband was insulting his wife, accusing her of infidelity, while the woman defended herself, as women usually do on these occasions, by denying everything. Then, between shouts, the husband cried out ‘Giovanna! Giovanna*! I shall not beat you, I shall not strike you, but I shall fuck you so much that the house will be filled with children. Then I will leave you alone with them, and go away.'” We all laughed at this wonderful kind of punishment by means of which the stupid fellow thought to avenge himself for his wife’s infidelities. (tr. based on Edward Storer’s, adapted and debowdlerized by David Bauwens)

* Note: the real Francesco Filelfo (1398-1481), one of the preeminent humanists of his time, was widowed twice and married three times, but never to a Giovanna.

A father who had often reproached his son for drunkenness, but to no avail, seeing one day a drunkard lying in the road with his private parts exposed and in a disgusting condition, with a crowd of little boys around him laughing and jeering at him, asked his son to look upon the sad spectacle, hoping that this example of the vice of drunkenness would serve to scare him off his intemperance. But the young man, seeing the drunkard, said: “Father, ask that man where the wine is that he got drunk on, so that I might taste its sweetness myself!” And he showed himself moved, not by the ugly sight of the drunkard, but by the desire for wine. (tr. based on Edward Storer’s, adapted and debowdlerized by David Bauwens)