Hello, I am new to this forum but have been seeking some sort of cathartic release from what has been years of growing anger, depression and hopelessness that have come as a result of Post-Sexual SSRI Dysfunction, which I am almost certain I have.

It’s funny because a lot of the counselors I’ve spoken to have told me “well you have to wonder, maybe all the people on the PSSD forums are just experiencing libido issues because they were already depressed.” I usually say I disagree, that PSSD seems more like a permanent physiological condition, of which I am not intelligent enough to fully understand but can describe, very clearly, in terms of how it has affected my life. In my opinion, many professionals, counselors and doctors either refuse to believe it or attribute it to other things (like depression). In my experience attempting to resolve this issue and having seen dozens of doctors, I have only met one doctor who, when presented with medical literature, responded with “I know for a fact this is a real condition.” I wish I had stayed in town long enough to see that particular doctor but I had to move within a few months and the hopelessness continued.

If there was a formula for bludgeoning a person’s libido to death, I followed it to a tee.

The first drug that I would guess messed with my system was Accutane, which I took around the time I was 17. I would say it diminished my libido a bit, though nothing like the SSRI’s would in years to come. I was still a horny teenager around this time, would have pretty solid erections and get blue balls quite often. I am now 29. Since about the age of 18, I have taken SSRI’s for various lengths of time – I can remember stints of two years, one year, four days, and seven days (I would psych myself out of taking them and stop after a week). The drugs I took were Zoloft and Lexapro, prescribed for OCD and depression. I first started noticing symptoms of PSSD at about age 24, when I had trouble with erections and had a greatly reduced libido. It progressed to the point of feeling practically no libido, and erections that only sprouted up with intense manual stimulation, or from the use of Viagra.

Ironically, even after having developed full genital anaesthesia from taking these drugs, I am currently on 75mg of Zoloft daily. PSSD has led to a torrent of suicidal thoughts and added to my already depressed state, and I tend to find SSRI’s really help with those issues. Some might find it reckless, to ingest the very poison that caused our suffering, but I generally function better on these drugs and they keep me from having strong urges to take my own life. Hell, my libido has been dwindled down so much over the past 5 years it literally cannot get any worse. What follows are some general philosophical ideas related to this condition that rattle around in my brain all the time.

Most people, whether rich or poor, crime-committing or law-abiding, are born with an intact libido that they get to enjoy at virtually any moment. Even the most selfish, rotten people get to have sex that is transcendent and pleasurable. Even during the toughest times of life – loss of a job, pets dying, whatever – most people still get to experience sex the way it ought to be experienced. In fact, sex should be one of the easiest, least intellectual activities a species engages in. It should be automatic. Even the biggest idiots in the world have the capacity to enjoy an act which is supposed to be so pleasurable it keeps the species alive.

I often tell myself – I am a good person, I didn’t deserve this shit. I’m not saying I’m perfect by any means, but I love people, have a lot of empathy and generally treat others well. Why was it me who had to experience this injustice, and not a serial rapist, who actually could be chemically castrated in order to keep others safe? Why aren’t SSRI’s only used on chronically re-offending rapists? I’m sure that would thwart their desires. Wouldn’t that be a better balance on the scale of life than a bunch of innocent, well-meaning people having one of their most basic instincts destroyed? That has led me to the thought that life is not fair. I know they tell it to you when you’re a kid, and when I was told that, I always thought “yeah, life isn’t fair but it’s still pretty good.” After having experienced PSSD, I now think: “life isn’t fair, and it isn’t very good.”

This condition has affected every fiber of my being. I get a sick feeling of detachment every time I see couples making out. Love stories on television make me snicker in contempt. The way people get hung up on a lover, or describe their night as “the best sex ever”, or how they “can’t wait to get laid” has no meaning for me. It used to make me sad to think about. Now I’m just numb and have a residual anger and disdain for others, even though they don’t deserve it. The thought of having kids doesn't appeal to me, why would I have a kid if I don't even enjoy making it at all? Even long-term MDMA users recover their libido, and at least that drug is actually pleasurable. I have a general disregard for my own health. I smoke cigarettes often, and I smoked a lot of weed to numb the pain of all of this. I have fantasies of going on cocaine binges just to feel better. I honestly, truly, for quite a long time wished for an early death and didn’t anticipate living past 40. In some ways I still feel that way, though it has dissipated quite a bit since going back on antidepressants.

People will argue – well, what about people who have lost limbs in accidents? What about those who have lost family members in great tragedies? Had their spouses leave or cheat on them? I get scoffed at when I say this but I honestly believe losing your libido is right up there, if not worse, than several of those examples. Let’s play the game of “would you rather.” I can say with some certainty that I would rather lose an arm than my libido. If I could go back in time I would probably sacrifice my arm if it meant my libido stayed intact. Sound preposterous? I could always get a prosthetic and be sexy in some long-sleeved shirts.

I remember the first time I made out with a girl when I was 14. Wow, I had no idea something could feel that good. Even amidst familial turmoil I could still melt into the lips of a girl, and into the erotic fantasies of my own mind. I got boners so easily that were so intense they made my dick and balls ache. Cumming, instead of a dull whimper, came with a furious roar. I guess I’m lucky to have experienced 5 years of young sexuality that carried with them a lot of masturbation. I’m still bitter that the first time I had sex was on SSRI’s. I have never experienced sex with an intact libido. I probably won’t before I die.

The only saving grace is that I can sometimes have a sense of humor about all of this. But all in all, it’s no wonder I’m depressed.

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Im so sorry to hear what happened to you, and I do understand you very well!I questioned all that too, I heard the same "would you rather" than you.The first months was harsh, I kept thinking about how much time I would live and be forced to endure this shit! Keep in mind that PSSD is just ONE of my lingering symptoms.

But you need to keep strong, people recovered from this shit before, and Im sure you will see a few more here as the time pass, but I need to be honest with you, staying on SSRIs will probably keep your body away from healing.

Personally I dont think that we are dealing with damage here, only some dysregulation, since recoveries and windows has been observed, I myself experienced a window of 100% recovery! So theres hope!

Second, it really hurts reading your story, since many of the things you mention about the importance of love-making and how life is unfair are very true.

To be honest, when i first developed full blown pssd, i thought my sex life would be completely over forever. However, 3 years later, i was in a hotel on vacation banging my hot girlfriend with a high-ish libido and it was feeling GREAT.

Ok, i may have never had sex with my libido 100% intact but perfectionism is not a way to look at things when you suffer from such a condition.

What i want to say is that, in my case, PSSD was very bad, but it got WAYYY better for a good amount of time.

To me it seems like you've given up on your life completely if you believe this will be 100% certainly permenent.

And you still take the godamn SSRIS, you fall perfectly in the category of victims of BIG PHARMA which they castrate, and then they have to take Meds for their rest of their life to endure the psychological pain. Youre becoming their life long client-victim. This is not a way to live.

I hope the best for you and really looking forward for you to join us and help us with our cause.

PSSD after 9 days on cipralex 10mg (escitalopram), July 2013.Had sexual sides from the first dose. Developed full pssd after i stopped.Slowly improved to 70% of normal within 3.5 years."Crashed" again on April 2017.Severe pssd again.

And you also mentioned that EVERYBODY can have sex while we are excluded from this pleasure.

If you think twice, there are hundreds of thousands of finasteride and accutane victims also.

Saw palmetto (natural herbal supplement) causes similar and severe syndrome too. A young fella took his own life months ago because of this.

We have a member here who has PSSD symptoms from 5HTP!

Antipsychotics and other psych drugs cause similar things to lot of people too.

If you dig deep enough in the net, you will find lots of mdma users who have persistant sexual dysfunction for years, even not chronic users.

Anabolic steroids and chemotherapy do long term damage to sexaul function as well.

Dont forget paraplegics and people with MS who face similar issues. Or people with micropenises or severe penile injuries. Or people with forms of cancer which profoundly affect sexual function. People with severe back injuries etc..

Perfect sexual function is not something to be taken for granted. There are way more people out there suffering from similar issues.

PSSD after 9 days on cipralex 10mg (escitalopram), July 2013.Had sexual sides from the first dose. Developed full pssd after i stopped.Slowly improved to 70% of normal within 3.5 years."Crashed" again on April 2017.Severe pssd again.

hi, welcome!first of all - this will all fade away once you find someone to fall in love with. theres plenty of other "broken" people that are going to be a perfect fit. this whole pssd thing wont be the end of you. There are so many more interesting things to this world than rubbing genital areas together.

i dont know what your symptoms are exactly, could you elucidate? morning wood, spontaneos erections, erection quality and duration, genital sensation etc etc are all part of the picture. Apparently PSSD varies a lot from individual to individual.Also, how is your depression? overeating/undereating?insomnia/hypersomnia? that sort of stuff.

Depending on that:ask your shrink to quit the lexapro and switch to something else. Moclobemide is safe and side effects free. Otherway ask him to add an antidote to the lexapro. Mirtazapine is common. Buspar also has some good reviews, im trying it on its own, 1 week into it, not much to say for now, sadly, so dont count that as a suggestion but consider it. Wellbutrin or trazodone are interesting too.

About the accutane, i also took it when i was young, 30mg a day. parents and teachers said i was completely apathic then. accutane messes up with 5ht1a receptors, i dont understand what it does precisely but theres a definite connection. I took it again for years as my acne is chronic and weird and i just quit a month ago and i feel my body is changing but cant tell what at the moment. I didnt figure out it could be responsible!

All this egocentric magniloquence (!) is just to point out, theres others that followed the textbook point by point accutane, ssris, mdma - any way,

Do your research and try different things! I've started years ago and unfortunately i did not keep a journal, so i ended up with a lot of half emptied supplement bottles and each time someone comes out with another idea on these forums im like "Mhm did i try that already? what did it do?"

my suggestions based on what works for me are:yohimbine + pseudoephedrine - both available over the counter - only downside is it will make you agitated. add some cialis if your erection isnt good enough even after this.for the long term, maka and gingseng.

and heres some nice music with some nice pictures and i think it relates a bit to pssd and anhedonia in general clams casino - numbhttps://youtu.be/5ricWUAj1QA

Firstly you are an excellent writer. You've essentially echoed my exact sentiments on this. My story is below.

celexahell wrote:I have another horror story to share.

Back in April, after suffering a severe anxiety and depression episode (which is nothing compared to what I deal with now) spurred on by numerous relationship and job issues, I was prescribed Citalopram HBr (Celexa) by by doctor, @ 20mg/day. I wish, wish, wish I could rewind time and never step foot in the doctor’s office that day, or at least had done more research as to what damage these drugs cause.

The first day that I took the tiny pink evil little poison tablet, I didn’t notice much originally, and then it grew into the most severe, terrifying anxiety attack in my chest. It felt like it was actively burning and deleting whatever emotions were living in my heart. I remember going to sleep that night, and barely sleeping. It caused severe, debilitating anxiety and insomnia.

Finally when I woke in the morning, after getting maybe an hour or two of sleep, I felt like the world had lost all meaning. This was the beginning of anhedonia, little did I know. I went to work that day and it all felt pointless. Just absolutely void and pointless. I’m someone who used to be happy, engaged, dare I say intellectual, dare I say a humanist; and I just felt so dead inside. I thought, “maybe this is just the depression”. And I kept hearing that it “takes two week for the pills to kick in” and other such “common wisdom.”

So I kept taking Citalopram for approximately the rest of the week. Only about five or six total days. During that time, I had transformed into a completely different, empty, hollow, shell, monster of a person. I vividly remember having a nightmare one night, maybe after day 3 or 4 of the pills, that I looked into the mirror in my parent’s bathroom and saw not my face looking back at me; but a human skull. As if to say that my personality and soul had been deleted and completely removed.

Add to all that, I became absolutely asexual and castrated. It was like the neurons/synapses in my brain that control my cock and balls and sexual power had been fried.

Being in my mid-20s, I used to be a libido powerhouse. I loved everything about a woman’s body; having a lot of sex with women. Hell, seeing a woman’s exposed bra-strap could cause me to get hard. After about three days of Citalopram (“treatment”), I noticed genital numbness, erectile dysfunction, and a general dis-interest in women at work – women that I normally thought about f—ing all day long, I barely even looked at them or thought about them anymore. I remember going into the work bathroom and trying to masturbate and my penis simply didn’t “work”. It felt numb and didn’t respond to touch; nevermind trying to think sexual thoughts.

I normally live alone, but after this Citalopram exposure, I was spending all of my time at my parent’s house. I was terrified to be alone. I wanted to kill myself. It was all I thought of every moment of every day — when your emotions are deleted and your sexuality is deleted, the entire range of human feeling and experience forcefully removed — there is no longer a point to get out of bed. There’s no longer a point to do anything. I ended up losing my job because of the anhedonia.

I would stay in bed all day, feeling extremely sick, low-energy, fatigued, and crushed by the complete lack of anything approaching an emotion. The world felt static, dead, and desolate; as if there was “another reality” outside of my window that I couldn’t touch. I had entered this state of non-existence where no emotions or sexuality exist. In addition, it removed my hunger, thrist, and I swear I was suffering some sort of IBS as well. (Apparently there’s a lot of serotonin in the gut, so it isn’t surprising that SSRIs cause digestive issues.)

My only exposure to anyone would be when I’d go outside once every so often to get a coffee, just to see people. But it felt like nothing. It felt like a foggy dream each time I would go outside. Seeing people happy, laughing, clearly looking forward to sex, clearing enjoying themselves, in their convertibles and motorcycles on sunny Spring and Summer afternoons… and not being able to feel a single drop of emotion, or anything.

I stopped talking to my family, I barely talked to friends. My mom would message me in the morning and at night with smiley faces and hearts trying to cheer me up. I would talk to her so many nights before bed where she would cry her eyes out telling me that “She feels like she lost her son”. But I couldn’t cry. I felt nothing. I remember going to the endocrinologist which completely ignored my concerns, and seeing my innocent sweet mother in her Betty Boop shirt, with tears in her eyes, saying to the doctor, “I’m afraid I’m going to lose him” (clearly implicating that she thinks I’m going to kill myself.)

My brother would call me crying, telling me how worried he is about me. Nightmares he’d have about me.

I turned into heartless person. I started saying crazy things like I wish I could stab certain people. All of my empathy disappeared. Yet, I used to be the most emotionally connected person that would cry reading poetry, or hearing a touching song, or even thinking a powerful enough of a thought.

It has been about a year since I was exposed to just a few days worth of Citalopram. I am still not back to my old self. My cognitive function has improved, and while I can articulate myself again, and don’t feel as “brain dead”, my emotions have not returned to their once powerful state. Sexual function is also still extremely damaged. No more daydreaming of having sex with women, numbness in genitals, poor quality erections, and orgasm doesn’t feel as earth-shattering as it used to. Basically, my life has been destroyed, thanks to a haphazard choice by my doctor to prescribe, and by me to be enough of a fool to believe this shit would “help”.

Man, u have perfectly expressed my feelings!! I'm a good person, this should had happened to a rapist and the most important, we don't miss something until we lose it, and this " sex is not the only thing in live" argumentation fills me with rage!! It's like people who has a normal libido cannot imagine how does it feel to miss this feelings completely!! In movies, in friends storys, it's like we are out of human condition!! So hard some times!! We must b strong man!! Keep on fighting!!!

Bothered by it All wrote:This condition has affected every fiber of my being. I get a sick feeling of detachment every time I see couples making out. Love stories on television make me snicker in contempt. The way people get hung up on a lover, or describe their night as “the best sex ever”, or how they “can’t wait to get laid” has no meaning for me. It used to make me sad to think about. Now I’m just numb and have a residual anger and disdain for others, even though they don’t deserve it.

This resonates. Whenever I see posts on Facebook about how to do it better, or last longer, or those "5 things to try next" posts, I shrivel up a little inside. If I see a movie with a sex scene with a woman moaning, I feel sick in my stomach at the thought of never being able to do that to someone. It hurts, and it upsets me no end. It's a tough situation. To add insult to injury, one of my housemates is very successful on Tinder and regularly brings girls home. Not only do I have to meet them and act friendly and cheerful when they come through the door, I hear them once they've gone back to his room - giggling, gasping, moaning. Then comes the regular thumping as he smashes them to bits, interspersed with further moans and cries. And there I am just lying in my bed, staring up at the wall. It's so upsetting, and yet I can't even bring myself to cry about it. What's worst is that my housemate is a really nice guy, and we get along incredibly well. I can't even hate the bastard.

Sometimes I feel like I just don't know how to deal with it all.

Bothered by it All wrote:I remember the first time I made out with a girl when I was 14. Wow, I had no idea something could feel that good. Even amidst familial turmoil I could still melt into the lips of a girl, and into the erotic fantasies of my own mind. I got boners so easily that were so intense they made my dick and balls ache.

I once knew this feeling. I remember when I was in my last year of high school and my grandma had just died. I was with my girlfriend the day after, and all I could think of was having sex with her. She kept pushing me away and was alarmed at how little affected I seemed, and how I just wanted to have sex. I'm 31 now and of course I don't expect to have a libido like I did back then, but some libido would be nice.

I hear you at the frustration of people thinking all of us are merely depressed. Even during my darkest days of anxiety, I still had a libido. I still got erections. And, like you once had, I too had a dick and balls that ached so bad I'd practically have sex with the wall.

Don't despair. We're making good progress on these forums this year and a renewed practical activism seems to slowly be taking root. I strongly believe something is going to happen this year. I've felt pretty low at times over the last 12 months and have been tested in ways I had never been in years past. I'm glad I worked/am working through them, because things seem to slowly be looking up.

If we can stay in this together and keep the faith, I have no doubt it will ultimately be worth it.