I have used this word before Noah was born but it wasn't until after he died that I developed a better understanding of this word. I don't think you can fully grasp the depths this mere word tries to convey unless you have gone through something tragic and life changing.

Bittersweet describes the intermingling of feeling joy yet sadness, all in the very same moment. It truly is possible to experience such polar opposites in one breath as that's been my life since the day Noah left my arms.

I still do find joy and happiness even though one of my children aren't here with me, which is only by the grace of God that's for sure! But in that moment that I am feeling my heart overflowing in elation, it also causes me to catch my breath in anguish.

I could list numerous things that have been bittersweet moments for me since Noah died as there are multitudes. One of the most recent is in seeing Olivia hit milestones that Noah never did. We're over the moon with her and feel so blessed at all she is doing (and she is doing a lot), but we can't help feeling the grief of missing out on who Noah would be today and seeing him interact with his little sister who is exactly a year younger than him.

Bittersweet.

It makes me cherish even more the things Olivia is learning and doing. It makes me slow down and appreciate all those little things she does that often get taken for granted by those who haven't experienced loosing a child. It makes me intentionally & purposefully parent her and the rest of the kids and not just go through the motions.

Bittersweet.

I see my 6 children and life in general in a whole new way because Noah taught me what bittersweet truly means. It's the ability to cherish, enjoy and appreciate life while still feeling grief.

~Sometimes you will never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory.

I meant to post this recipe several days ago, on St Patty's Day actually. It was kinda funny. For breakfast I had my usual green smoothie (made with a spinach base and just rocks! SO healthy for you and incredibly tasty). Then for lunch, I had some leftover cream of broccoli soup I had made and just laughed how all my meals were "green". So not intentional! Of course for dinner we had the typical St Patty's meal of corned beef at cabbage at my parents house.

This soup is one my kids all give a thumbs up approval for. It's super easy to make and doesn't take long at all. I've made some changes to the original recipe cuz that's how I roll!

This scripture is one I have desperately clung to the last year and a half. I praise God for His hope and promise. I still don't understand why he has chosen the path for me that he has by taking one of my children home to Heaven, but I am fully trusting Him. I KNOW he has a great purpose for Noah's life and I am so humbled & blessed to be a part of His plan. No, I admit this is not a path I would've chosen for my life. But I trust God to work everything out to His plan and I cling to the promise of Heaven and being fully reunited with Noah! THAT my friends is what makes my pain bearable....my son is with our precious Savior just waiting for us to join him in a glorious reunion!

With only 34 official days left of school for us (not like I'm counting down or anything), I have been in planning mode for next year already. The kids classes have been chosen for co-op and I am starting to scour the web for the best deals on the curriculum I need. This is also the time of year I reevaluate what we've been using and look for new ideas or suggestions of new things to try.

Which brings me to some new curriculum that I am being given a chance to try out in exchange for my reviews. The first comes from the website of Grapevine Studies. This site provides Bible study curriculum. I am looking forward to diving into this study with the kids and learning something new (that's my favorite part of homeschooling, learning things alongside of my kids). My review for this will be available sometime after May 1st. Along with my review, I will also be able to share a discount code for the curriculum we used.

It never fails,the 13th of every month stands out. Never has a date been so prominent in my mind and heart. Some months, the 13th is ok. I reminisce with a smile, both at my older baby and my younger baby, since they both share the same birthday. But today really hit me for some reason. Several times today I cried my eyes out at the thought of Noah not being here. It was a beautiful, warm sunny day. Noah is 20 months old now. So I have no doubt he would've been running outside with the other kids today. Most likely chasing a ball as Erik kicked it to him. As I watched the older kids outside with Olivia playing with them, it made my heart ache at not having all my kids here on earth. Every day, I wonder what Noah would act like and look like now. I have no doubt he'd be a peanut like the others with dirty blonde hair like Erik and big inquisitive eyes just like all the kids have. I'm sure he'd have a tender heart and be a loving big brother to Olivia as that seems to be a trait all the kids have shared.

The pain doesn't ever go away. I will forever have a piece of my heart missing. The hope of Heaven and being reunited with Noah is what makes this all bearable.

I miss you so very much my precious son!

Remember to hold tight and cherish your children. They are only on loan to you for a period of time. Make the most of the time together you are given. Our kids are the only treasure we get to take to Heaven with us.

I just want to wish a very happy 1st birthday to precious Hannah Grace! You are so very loved and missed by your family and many others. I am thankful to have gotten to know your mommy this last year as she has been a support and blessing in my life as well.

I have no doubt you and Noah have been hanging out. <3

Lots of love and prayers for you Tracey as you all celebrate Hannah's life today!

I haven't forgotten you all! We've been pretty busy around here wrapping up our school year (projected time to be done is beginning of May woohoo!) I also have lots of projects I would like to complete...that is, when time allows. We were recently on a wonderful and needed vacation as a family, to warm islands with friends of ours so I have all those pics I want to turn into a neat music video (one project of many anyway).

I recently read a post by my friends at Sufficient Grace Ministries. They have been such a blessing to me in my walk since Noah died. I wanted to share this post as I am sure many of you can relate as well (after all, it always blessed me knowing others felt the same way as myself, knowing I wasn't alone like some tried to make me feel!) I also want to help many of you reading this that you may be given a better understanding of us baby loss mamas. Post can be found here (there are also good sublinks contained in the post). It's my prayer to support other moms like myself as well as educate those of you who haven't walked this path, that there may be more understanding and compassion given to those of us who have had to bury our babies.

I just came across a contest to win a $100 gift card for Apologia. We use their science curriculum and love it because it covers many great topics, is colorful and not boring at all. We also use the notebook journals that accompany the text which makes teaching much easier for me to already have everything already planned out for us. Part of the contest involved having the kids "leap" while holding Apologia curriculum. So here is our picture. If you want the chance to enter, go here but hurry, it ends at 12pm EST today!

About Me

My name is Jenn & I am a homeschooling mom to 8, beautiful kiddos that God has blessed me with. I started this blog during one of the darkest times of my life when I found out my son was going to die. God has been using our journey for His glory! I continue to write about our everyday life as I try to live out our "new normal". More can be read under Noah's story. Please feel free to contact me if you are facing a fatal prenatal diagnosis, have lost a baby, are supporting someone who has or just need a listening ear and prayer.