I'm sorryshe sayssoftening her toneaverting her gazeshifting her posturewilling the other to see that she means no harmI'm sorryshe sayswhen she actually meansPardon me-or- No, thank you-or-Here's what I think about itI'm sorryshe sayswhen it's the other person who screwed up, caused harm, bears blamethe other person who offered what she doesn't need or wantthe other person who just heard her apologize for no good reason and is no longer interestedI'm sorryshe also sayson the rare occasionwhen her apology has meritWhy does shehide behindthat simpering sorry?Is it fitting to say sorry in a crowd that seeks her vision rather than to say what she means?Is it fitting to say sorry to a man in order to submit in the way she expects he expects when young women are watching every move she makes?Is it honest to say sorry to a challenger rather than to speak forth the prophetic fire that blazes within her?Why does she say sorry, sorry, sorrywhen so little of what she doesdeserves her easy self-deprecationself-humiliationself-abasement?What ifshe stopped watering downher virtueand insteadbegan her daywith a strong cup ofI'm not sorry?(What a HERE I AM, LORD that would be)~~~The above is inspired by two people I respect who recently asked me, on separate occasions, why I say sorry when I do. I have long regarded "I'm sorry" as a gesture of hospitality in tense or difficult situations, but I am beginning to rethink that. I am grateful to my gentle adversaries for inviting me to see beyond my limited vision of what genuine hospitality might look like from a (female) leader.

My baby crawled for the first time today. Her dad and sister and I cheered her on wildly as if she had just hit a grand slam. (The first object she went for was a crinkly package of baby wipes; the second was a major league baseball. Yes, a little music and a little baseball confirm that she is our child.)I feel like her--inching forward, reaching for that which I behold, struggling little by little with every bit of my strength to get where I'm going. With her, it's a down-on-the-ground, whole-bodied struggle. With me, it's a battle raging within me over a single, burning question: whether or not I qualify as a leader. (Weird inner battles, I'm good at them.)I'm not an alpha female. I know women--amazing women--who are alpha types. I admire them, but I'm not one of them, nor do I have any desire to be one. This obviously precludes me from assuming any role of religious (ordained) leadership.I still hear this call to leadership, though, which makes my eyes cross. Come on, Goddess. Non-alpha types don't make leaders. The whole notion is absurd. How can I be a leader when I'm the one who's always been in the background, observing more often than herding? When I've been told to my face that I'm not a leader? Leadership roles in my case seem (as my medically trained hubby would say) contraindicated.Conveniently, I've never had to grapple with this before, because I've always belonged to a tradition in which I would never have to take seriously (or be taken seriously regarding) my call to religious (i.e. ordained) leadership. Now I'm about to be received in a tradition that does, and I'm flailing like my infant daughter. How am I supposed to get where I'm going if I don't have the juice to do it?For fun, I decided to humor my Lady Goddess and google "characteristics of a leader." I found this list.

Proactive vs. Reactive The exceptional leader is always thinking three steps ahead. Working to master his/her own environment with the goal of avoiding problems before they arise.

Flexible/Adaptable How do you handle yourself in unexpected or uncomfortable situations? An effective leader will adapt to new surroundings and situations, doing his/her best to adjust.

A Good Communicator As a leader, one must listen...a lot! You must be willing to work to understand the needs and desires of others. A good leader asks many questions, considers all options, and leads in the right direction.

Respectful Treating others with respect will ultimately earn respect.

Quiet Confidence Be sure of yourself with humble intentions.

Enthusiastic Excitement is contagious. When a leader is motivated and excited about the cause people will be more inclined to follow.

Open-Minded Work to consider all options when making decisions. A strong leader will evaluate the input from all interested parties and work for the betterment of the whole. Resourceful Utilize the resources available to you. If you don't know the answer to something find out by asking questions. A leader must create access to information. Rewarding An exceptional leader will recognize the efforts of others and reinforce those actions. We all enjoy being recognized for our actions! Well Educated Knowledge is power. Work to be well educated on community policies, procedures, organizational norms, etc. Further, your knowledge of issues and information will only increase your success in leading others.

Open to Change A leader will take into account all points of view and will be willing to change a policy, program, cultural tradition that is out-dated, or no longer beneficial to the group as a whole.

Interested in Feedback How do people feel about your leadership skill set? How can you improve? These are important questions that a leader needs to constantly ask the chapter. View feedback as a gift to improve.

Evaluative Evaluation of events and programs is essential for an organization/group to improve and progress. An exceptional leader will constantly evaluate and change programs and policies that are not working.

Organized Are you prepared for meetings, presentations, events and confident that people around you are prepared and organized as well?

Consistent Confidence and respect cannot be attained without your leadership being consistent. People must have confidence that their opinions and thoughts will be heard and taken into consideration. Delegator An exceptional leader realizes that he/she cannot accomplish everything on his own. A leader will know the talents and interests of people around him/her, thus delegating tasks accordingly.

Initiative A leader should work to be the motivator, an initiator. He/she must be a key element in the planning and implementing of new ideas, programs, policies, events, etc.

But... I am/do all of those things when it comes to something I care about and am deeply invested in. So...Moi? Leader?I'm not an alpha leader. I'm a servant leader. I lead by example. I'm dazzling and inspiring in a different way. Folks don't generally want to be me--they want to be around me. When I live out my (rather awesome) ideals, I am at the service of others, rather than in charge of them. That's how my leadership manifests.I've just never formally thought of leadership, especially religious leadership, like that. Now that I see it at work at St. Augustine's, however--a context which has become my context, rather than remaining someone else's--it makes a surprising amount of sense.Tune in again soon for more from the M. Kate Meets Her Vocation show!