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I'm scared of flyingwell I say flying, I actually mean dying horribly in a plane crash.

The dumb part is that for he last 20 years I have travelled all over the world by plane for work and I have never had a bad flight(except one story that actually got me banned from one major airline but that was all my own fault and not for discussion right now as I've not had a beer yet)Turbulence has never been too bad, the plane has never had to dump fuel or turn back, all flights have been mostly uneventful for me.

Of course I've had to deal with the cramped conditions but being on the larger side that's to be expected (and on a couple of occasions has got me upgraded to first class)However in economy I feel that there really should be provisions made for taller folk, I'm 6 foot tall and really could due with just a bit more room in front. This would stop the drinks trolley getting caught on leg as it passes through the isle and the person in front of me getting jabbed in the back each time I adjust myself.So, DVT is a bit of a worry, but in the little space I have I do a few exercises to keep me mobile.I also pop an aspirin just before the flight, this apparently thins the blood and stops DVT forming.Tight stocking socks are also supposed to help.

once, due to the fear of flying I took a couple of sleeping pills to knock me out for the whole of the flight. I took them at the gate hoping I'd be asleep for the take off too, but that was not to be being as the flight was delayed and I had to stumble onto the plane an hour later looking like some kinda drunken zombieit was lucky that the airport staff let me on the plane in that state and by the time we left the ground I was wide awake again

Twice I have caught chest infections after flying, all that nasty air circulating - is that safe??

But those aren't why I hate plane travel

As a kid I loved it, but as I got older and understood more about how and why an Airplane works that's when I became scared.It seems to be a case of Ignorance is bliss

take off = scary - too much strain on the plane, I just don't like that feeling.flying along = scary - we're flying at 600 miles an hour at 35000 feet above the earth, there's nothing holding us up.landing = scariest - more plane strain, plane correction making me motion sick.

A few stats I keep in my mind when flying:You are more likely to get killed by a donkey than you are to die in a plane crashwhen I heard that stat I knew to stay away from donkeys, especially if it's carrying an axe

You are more likely to win the lottery than fall from the sky Well thanks for that, I know which I'd prefer

and what's the deal with that life jacket? it's got a whistle and a light to "attract attention" - now I would have thought the burning plane wreck sinking in the sea would be enough attention?!?!

so, statistically you would have to fly 600 times a day for 75 years for you to be involved in a fatal plane crashif it was dangerous then those painted smiling dollies would not be serving you drinks for a living (that's just the stewards)if anything was to occur then there is nothing I could do about it (except if it's a hijack, then I would tackle a terrorist if asked by staff or air marshal)What I think would help is along with the in-flight entertainment, maybe have a video telling you about:"what those noises are" - referring to landing gear and bing bong sounds - always scary the first time you hear them"how safe the plane really is" - that explains itself

so, sit back, have a couple of glasses of wine, relax, enjoy the in-flight entertainment and remember that in a couple of hours you're probably going to be on holiday*in a meeting* - coming back home* - stuck at immigration**delete as appropriate

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This is an entirely pointless rant, but it's something I want to say and might be classed as a hint or tip if you see me deejaying and wish to come and say hello.

My first point would be: DON'T COME AND SAY HELLO!!I'm busy, I'm working, this is my joboh, sorry, I forgot to say PLEASEWhile the song (which you can hear) is playing, I have an absolute maximum of 2 minutes to judge what the crowd wants to hear, obtain the next song, match the beats per minute, cue it up and then play it.2 minutes really is a maximum time, sometimes I will have nowhere near that especially if I'm doing a quick mix, a live mash or maybe some rhythmic scratching.You can see that I'm wearing headphones, if they are covering my ears then I'm listening to something on them.

Please don't ask for requests:If there's a thousand people dancing to the tunes that I have selected why would you think that your selection is:a: going to be better than my selection?b: not already waiting to be cued up at a more convenient time?c: even worth being in my playlist?seriously, I've been doing this successfully for 20 years

Please don't tell me that you're a DJ too:I know that you're not as you would know not to come and chat while I'm working.

Please don't put your drinks down near any of my equipment:You think that this would go without saying, but it has to be said every time!!!

Please don't lean over and thumb through my collection:just don't!

Please don't mistake the grumpy look on my face for errrrrr.... grumpiness:I really am having a great time, but it means that I'm concentrating, I've got to get it right for your entertainment!!

Please don't be offended if any of my assistants escort you away from the DJ booth or even the club:they will not hurt you, they are removing you for the good of the evening. they are also there should you have any questions, valid requests (grrrrr), possible bookings, to get me drinks.

Please do dance and have a great time:that's why I'm there, to entertain.I'm happy for you to watch me work, sing along, clap your hands and of course wave your hands in the air like you just don't care

My sets usually only last for 1 or 2 hours, so there's plenty of time to chat to me once I've finished, tell me if you enjoyed what I did, make suggestions, buy me a drink, slip me your phone number (should you be a funny, clever, charming young lady with a nice smile)

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, this is kinda like my room 101 for DJs and I'm really not some miserable sod - I'm actually lovely!!I'm also guessing it's not just me who would feel like this. please tell me if I'm wrong!!!

I will be adding to this list (good or bad) when I think of or experience some more

In case you were wondering, I play Hip Hop and Funk for bars, clubs, weekenders and private functions.I'm not what's classed as a mobile disc jockey, as I don't do weddings, funerals, birthday parties, Bar mitzvahs (the genres don't usually bode well at those events)

It's really not a case of just playing someone elses songs, there is an art to getting the show right each and every time.

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Well when I saw that this album had just been added to dooyoo I just had to add my opinion.The picture shown is of the UK release, the US version shows Messers Townes and Smith sporting white and green Benetton sweatshirts(which myself and my brother used to own)

The US release was 1987 (although most of the tracks would have been available on 12" in 86) way before "The fresh Prince of Bel-Air" was even considered

Here is the tracklisting and a breakdown of each song:

"Girls Ain't Nothing but Trouble" - story about the trouble the Fresh Prince gets into with various ladies. samples I dream of Jeanie theme.the version most popular in the UK was the Paul Oakenfold remix (as the album version was kinda empty) until Jazzy jeff remade the song in 1988 adding a few extra samples and another verse added by FP.

"Just One of Those Days" - story about the trouble the Fresh Prince gets into whith a girl at school and being late from work. contains a replayed version of "putting on the ritz" as the hook

"Rock the House" - Fresh Prince and human beatbox Ready Roc C explaining how they rock the house.uses resung versions of Michael Jacksons Ben, Diana ross' theme from Mahogany and a beatbox version of Sanford and Son's theme

"Taking It to the Top" - a dull album filler

"Magnificent Jazzy Jeff" - A tune showing off the DJ skills of DJ Jazzy Jeff, hard old school beats, fresh (for it's day) rap by Prince, Jazzy Jeff making the records Burp, sound like a bird and turn into an Autobot.This is by far my favourite tune by the duo!!- uses samples of 19 by Paul Hardcastle and Nothin serious just Buggin by Whistle.

"Just Rockin'" - another dull album filler, Prince telling us what he's doing.

"Guys Ain't Nothing but Trouble" - rapper Ice Cream Tea telling us a story about Guys being trouble (Fresh Prince provides the male voice trying to chat up Miss Tea while she tries to make a run for it and pulls out a gun)b-side of girls ain't nothing but trouble, also contains sample of I dream of Jeanie

"Touch of Jazz" - DJ Jazzy Jeff cuts up a bunch of jazz to create a new tune (now, for some reason the samples escape my mind but I remember they were mainly Bob James tracks, once my brain is up and working again I will update this section)

"Don't Even Try It" - Story about how good the duo are, not an outstanding track though.

"Special Announcement" - just chatting, nothing to say here.

These days this album will sound incredibly dated (well it is 21 years old) but for it's time it is a very important piece of workPeople will diss it, But I know at the time even the most hardcore heads would have bobbed and laughed at the adventures of Fresh Prince and would have gasped in amazement at the skills of DJ Jazzy Jeff.I know full well that I did!

I will still use portions of these tracks in my mixes and shows being as they are easily recognisable to people of my age (who I see singing along to all the words, as I do)

so, now it's a nice piece of pop history and a lot of fun, but back in the olden days a great mix of comedy and great beats.obviously you can still catch Will Smith at the Movies and the occasional album, as well as seeing DJ Jazzy Jeff touring all over the world still spinning the wheels of still and wowing the crowds with his DJ skills.

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Here's the gist of my trip first of all:one week in las vegas beginning of Feb 2008, paid £644 for flights and hotel (The Signature at MGM grand VIP suite (blagged an upgrade for being cool)) so all in all a great deal!!

However, I had to fly there with Air Canada.Flew from Heathrow around midday for and 8 hour flight to Toronto. This was 8 hours with inatentive staff, unbearable heat and no entertainment system (to which we were told "well i'll reset it but if it doesn't work then I don't know what to do"after 2 hours my ipod battery was flat, I'd read every damn book in the seat pocket and listened to everybody moan about the heat.I just had to sit there (unable to sleep due to the time) for another 4 hours.oh but I did spend an hour praying for our safe passage over the Atlantic due to turbulance so that killed some time.I forgot to mention that I totally hate flying, the whole experience scares the B'Jesus out of me, don't know why, but it does. Landed at Toronto, now luckily I love rude people so I was happy to be greeted at immigration by lord of gits happily wasting my time while I had only 20 minutes to pick up my own bags, re-check them in and run the full length of the airport to my connecting flight which I only just made due to the grace of God (which I never believed in until that first prayer on the flight)

So, sat on plane 2 covered in sweat and totally out of breath trying not to look suspicious (as I guess that's how suicide bombers look as they board a plane?!?!?!) and dreading the next 5 hours of sitting with my legs up around my ears.

Now a couple of things to point out, I'm 6 foot tall (which really is not actually that tall nowadays) and I'm 24 stone (yeah yeah I'm not going to moan about the size of the seats as the fatness is all my own fault so I deserve to be a bit cramped widthways, However I will moan about the legroom as there is nothing anyone can do about their height. I think dimensions should be given at check in so this can be accomodated for.Even my two travelling companions (one at 5'4" and one at 5'6") complain at how little room they have!

At this point you're probably picturing the scene as a 336lb, 6' tall, ex-bodyguard with a pierced nose, skinhead is running hurridly through an airport and I can tell you that EVERYBODY moved out of my way quite rapdily.

so, back to plane 2 Toronto to Vegas.mmmmmm a lovely breeze from the air conditioning to cool me off (which did last for the full journey)which is more than can be said for the entertainment system (again) - now, as a scaredy passenger what goes through my mind is "hmmmm if they cant get a tv to work, how in the hell are they able to keep this damn plane up in the air??"all this stuff worries me!!Luckily the lady/man steward/stewardess was able to placate me by telling me "feel special as that person in the hat 4 rows in front has no tv and is sitting in sick"GREAT(!)Sleeping was my best option for that flight.

Fantastic time was had in Vegas (maybe that's for another review)

Now, for the flights home just reverse that story!!! JeeeeezAnother 13ish hours of pure boredom

Was offered 5% discount off my next booking with Air Canada for the inconvenience - but I don't feel that I want to travel with them again.

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Oh my goodness!! I have just read an opinion by katibec about new rock boots (good op katibec), but I’m afraid I’m a bit bewildered! I have been wearing New rock boots for a couple of years now and I love them, they are big and bad like me, tough and hard wearing like me, individual like me. But I am not a rocker or a meteller and am certainly not a Goth I am a B-Boy, a rapper, a hip-hopper, a trooper etc etc. Not all of us wear trainers all of the time!! These boots give me an extra 2 inches to my height and look wicked with my suits (when I bounce) or with my jeans (when I chill)! I currently own 4 pairs and love each pair. Each pair cost between £100 and £170 and are well worth the price. Go on knock me on the head and say “McFly!!”, when I went to buy them from Camden town (yeah! I know now !!!!) I didn’t see Goths or metellers wearing them, they all had on old trainers or pixie boots These boots are very well made and totally original in design, a mixture of leather, rubber, plastic, laces or Velcro (not for me!!) and thick soles for added bounce, they are the most comfortable shoes/boots I have ever worn I don’t have the knee-high boots because I’d look too daft in them, I just have the shoes, demi boots and boots in various designs to suit my mood. So, you don’t need to have long black hair, black make up, torn tights, grumpy face, bleak outlook on life and like sisters of mercy to wear these boots. In the words of X-clan: Walking, walking in my big black boots

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So I like earl grey tea! Why when I ask for it do people go oooOOOOOOoooooooow ? Does the fact that I’m 6ft tall shaved head pierced nose ex bodyguard who used to deejay for Cypress hill make it seem any funnier that I like earl grey? I also drink white wine (from a mans glass!) is that funny too? When my teaboy at work delivers it he comments “Cup of perfume for MrDef.” I don’t get it?! To me it tastes nice, I have a cup when I wake up in the morning, various amounts throughout the day and a couple in the evening (we are talking about the earl grey here not the wine!!) Hold up, do I use “!!!” too much? How do I make it at home: Lovely mug! Might use my star wars one or my 99% perfect one Bag in mug, add hot water, leave to infuse for about 3-5 minutes. Remove tea bag DON’T ADD ANYTHING ELSE Drink until gone! Lovely According to the box it contains Bergamot flavouring, I have no idea what that is, but it tastes good and it has a strength of “1” The box cost me £1.89 from Tesco’s and there are 50 tea bags in the box They are best before Nov 2002 (huh 50 will be gone in a couple of days) Hey I’m drinking a cup now, while reading “the adventures of Quentin” and the comments from his suspect mates. It doesn’t really bother me what the ruffians say; it’s my favourite tea. Thanks Earl grey, hey why not invite me over one afternoon.

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In a moment of madness I have just realised that I used to go to a karaoke bar years ago. And for some strange reason I feel compelled to write an opinion on it. First, a bit of limited knowledge that I have on karaoke, It was invented in Japan. You are played an instrumental version of a song and then you sing along to the song by reading the lyrics from a screen. If you know the song then you are in luck and may sound kinda good. If your mates have nominated you to do a song that you have never heard of before and/or is out of your vocal range you could be killed by an angry mob of drunks. Usual songs that used to be sung at the place I used to go: I will survive – normally two girls, the same two girls every week. Delilah – Last song of the evening, the most drunk person would sing this. The lion sleeps tonight – lots ahhhhoooooooooooooh eeeeeee eeeeeee. Leader of the pack- vroom vroom. Love Shack – I hate this song, group of blokes and the girls they’re trying to pull. Crazy little thing called love – always a man in leather trousers. Waterloo – two girls, always, and doing the ‘look to the side’ dance Grease Lightning – oh god no!! I have a feeling that these songs crop up whichever Karaoke venue you visit?!?! Am I right? So maybe at this point you are saying to yourself “ I wonder if MrDef actually used to get up and do a song himself (that wild and crazy guy)??” Or “What the hell is this dude babbling on about, I’m not reading this cr*p anymore?!” Well, If you were thinking the first question then the answer is “Yes” A couple of beers, a Mic and a stage. What more could I ask for? (Girls, maybe!) Here is what I have sung before. Jump Around – House of pain, had to do it, fantastic song, the whole crowd jumped. Walk this Way 8211; Run DMC, kinda became my anthem, everyone would request that I did it. Sledgehammer – Peter Gabriel, Remember I said about being nominated by your mate?? This was one of those times! Managed to pacify the angry mob by being damn good at the song!! Funky Cold Medina – Tone loc, yeah I was good! Play that funky music – Wild Cherry, Just fancied doing that one day, won a case of wine!! Gangstas paradise – Coolio, Karaoke man had just got the disc in the post that morning and wanted to try it out, I did the rap he did the singing, worked really well. Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy- Andrews Sisters, MY DAMN MATES AGAIN!! Do: Sing, if you can. Nominate someone. Join in Drink booze to build confidence Enjoy Leave me you comment Don’t: Get nominated Sing the same song every damn week Go to Karaoke bars, how sad! Carry on when the booing starts That’s it! Enough is enough is enough I cant go on, I cant go on no more no MrDef.

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There’s nothing quite like a McDonalds or so that old advert would tell us! A man dressed as a scary clown enticing small children into a world of purple monsters, a dude called hamburgler (who thought it was okay to steal from McDonalds) and spotty 15 years olds who ask “you wan’ fries wiv dat?” oh no hang on that last one was a member of staff not a character from the early eighties McDonalds advertising campaign. Why do I go to McDonalds? Convenience! Quick, easy, availability, same selection world-wide (although I would never eat McD if I was in a place that sold Chinese or Caribbean food!!), cheap. I would have a Big Mac meal, this includes: A Big Mac, sesame seed bun, two all beef patties, onion, lettuce, Gherkin, special magic sauce. Fries, powdered potato mashed up into fry shapes, deep fat fried then covered in salt. Cup of Cola flavoured ice. All for £2.99 (recently changed from £2.88) I usually ask for one of each sauces, this could include: Ketchup, Sweet and Sour, Curry, Mustard, Barbecue, Tikka, Salsa. Other burgers include: McQuarter pounder, McChicken Sandwich, Mchamburger (contains no ham), McCheeseburger (does contain cheese), Bacon McDouble, McFillet o’ Fish, Spicy McBeanburger. Breakfast includes: Egg McMuffin, Bacon and egg McMuffin, Sausage and egg McMuffin, Double sausage McMuffin, Hash brown (contains no hash), Bacon roll, Big Breakfast – scrambled egg, sausage patty, muffin, hash brown, plastic knife and fork. Other sundries: Chicken McNuggets, milk shakes (chocolate, strawberry, vanilla), Fanta, water, coffee, still orange, McFlurry (ice cream with bits of Cadburys chocolate in), Apple pie, ice cream cone, Donuts. Other stuff that I have had before from McDonalds during promotions: Pizza (remember that promotion??), Indian Cuisine?!?!?!, Cheese hearts, McRib (mmmm pork burger with lovely sauce) , Chinese flavour style burgers, samosa. Meal sizes: Regular, Large, Supersize. Happy Meal – meal for kids, small burger, small fries, small drink and a toy. I have probably missed off a heap of things but these are what’s on my mind right now (I’m starving!) Highlights Already prepared food all ready to eat. I actually do like the flavour. Price. Low points They screw you at the drive through! The gimp serving you has been handling other peoples cash all day and is now going to touch your food. You know that the people who are sniggering at the back have just gobbed in your Big Mac. 28 staff members at 4 pm, 2 at 12:30pm. Hope this has been of some use (for those who didn’t already know this stuff) Please leave me a McComment (If you wish!) MrDef.

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Here is my list of artists that I own (and will continue to own) all of their albums and reasons why I like them: Cypress Hill Funky beats, original style, funny yet true lyrical content, fantastic production and writing (even in Spanish), excellent stage show, Not all that keen on the rock stuff brought in in the last couple of years though!! (See if you can spot me in the ‘insane in the brain video’ there is no prize though) Have a read of my opinion on Cypress hill if you like! Tracks to check: insane in the brain, when the ship goes down, How I could just kill a man, ain’t going out like that. Funkdoobiest Absolute gibberish but funky gibberish, the lyrics mean nothing at all its just funky rhyming, I love it!! Heard a whisper that they will not be producing tracks anymore. I’m iller than a porno, I’ve got skills like Zorro, who’s Perry Como, tomorrow tomorrow. Tracks to check: The Funkiest, Papi Chulo, XXX Funk, Wapbabalubop, Anthem, I’m Sh*tt*n on ‘em, Bow wow wow. Ice Cube I have followed Ice Cube (not in a psycho kinda way) since the days of CIA and onto NWA totally aggressive and anti-establishment. Mellowed down a touch a he got older, but still hard. Tracks to check: today was a good day, AmeriKKKas most wanted, givin’ up the nappy dug out, doing dumb sh*t, Wicked. Beastie Boys Punk Nerds of Rap, well that’s how they were! Now they are a bunch of mid-thirties millionaires with a social conscience. Never afraid to experiment with different styles and genres, offer a fantastic stage show and still have wicked beats. Still not keen on the rock element though! Tracks to check: Alive, Shadrach, 3 mcs and 1 DJ, no sleep ‘til Brooklyn. LL Cool J I own a dark blue Kangol given to me by LL back in 1987 (thanks L) Tracks to check: Go cut creator go, I’m coming, mama said knock you out, illegal search, boom in’ system, I’m bad. Run DMC Without Run DMC how would Hip-Hop and rap look today? These 3 guys have done more for this genre than any other group at all. Go see them live, re-live the old school! Fantastic! Tracks to check: walk this way, you be illin’, its tricky, ooh watcha gonna do, back from hell, runs house, bounce. MC Solaar He’s French! Not to worry though he can still flow, in a kinda jazzy French way. Check out Bouge De La, my favourite French rap of all time. House of Pain Pack it up, pack it in, let me begin. Enough said! Tracks to check: jump around, fed up, on point, put on your sh*t kickers, top o’ the morning to ya. NWA The first gangsters of Hip-Hop, first time I heard gangsta gangsta I was hooked, still remains one of my favourite tracks to this day. Tracks to check: f*ck the police, Gangsta gangsta, Dopeman, always into something, niggas for life. Various Artists Had to put this as I have sooooooo many albums by ‘Various Artists’ My favourite ones at the moment are ‘king of the beats’ 1,2 and 3. On reading this opinion I can see that it is going to be of no use to anyone!! But hey what the hell, who’s gonna listen to me anyway?!?!? Leave me a comment if you like MrDef.

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Air ! Its great ! I love it and use it everyday ! Here are (for me) its main uses, Breathing: This is the most popular use of 'air', I normally do this without thinking about it (if I do think about, I would forget my breathing pattern and hyperventilate) Air goes in, adds oxygen to my blood, I exhale carbon dioxide ! Plants then breathe the carbon dioxide and produce oxygen ! Fantastic ! Inflating things: If you have read my opinion on "things to take on holiday" you will know that I hate inflatables (great big dolphins, rubber rings, special doll of open mouthed lady) But there are other things that you can inflate !! Car tyres, Dinghy, Balloons, Football, armbands, camping beds. Exhaling to make music: As you maybe aware I can only play "The wheels of steel" but if I could I would love to play an instrument maybe I would play: Trumpet, Tuba, Clarinet, Oboe, Bugle. Please note: none of these would be 'pink' before someone leaves a dirty comment !!!!!!!!!!!!! Sailing: Use the wind to push along your yacht To circulate to keep you cool: use air with air conditioning device or fan of some sort, particularly good on a hot summers day. To make bread: Check it out ! Windmills ! they use air to turn their sails to turn the grinding devices to crush the flour to make the bread. Flying: Without air you are not going to have much luck flying, Lift is produced by a lower pressure created on the upper surface of a plane's wing compared to the pressure on the wing's lower surface, causing the plane to be lifted upward. The special shape of the planes wing is designed so that air flowing over it will have to travel a greater distance faster, resulting in a lower pressure area thus lifting the plane upward. As you can see Air has many uses, Aren't you glad it was invented ? Here is the science, p ay attention. Here are its main gases (by volume) which make up air: Nitrogen N2 78.084 Oxygen O2 20.946 Argon Ar 0.934 Neon Ne 0.0018 Helium He 0.000524 Methane CH4 0.0002 Krypton Kr 0.000114 Hydrogen H2 0.00005 Nitrous oxide N2O 0.00005 Xenon Xe 0.0000087 The Common Air Pollutants: Ozone (ground-level ozone is the principal component of smog) Lead Sulphur Dioxide Particulate Matter (PM-10); (dust, smoke, soot) Carbon Monoxide (CO) Nitrogen Dioxide (One of the NOx); smog-forming chemical VOCs (volatile organic compounds); smog-formers Do: Breathe Inflate Make music Sail Fly Keep cool Make bread Don't: Inhale for a lengthy period of time Over inflate To conclude, Air is great ! I know, I know I put the opinion under the wrong section of Dooyoo Sue me! It was the only place I could put an opinion on "Air" If you got this far then thank you for reading my inane babble, Leave a comment if you like ! Written for "Sallyhill and Ianisme"

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Where do I start writing an opinion on water? Well, I have managed to break it down in to three main areas that I use water for: 1.Drinking 2.Washing 3.Squirting 1. To drink, plain or mixed with a delightful tasting cordial. Straight from the tap is fine by me; I don’t mind the slight copper taste it kinda adds to its charm. Adding a cordial to flavour, here are some of my favourites: Peach, Grapefruit, Blackcurrant, Lemon and Vimto (mood dependent) Also if you have a soda stream device you can fizz it up to add more variety to your drinking pleasure. 1a. Freeze the water and add to your drink, ice cubes (or any shape of your choice) will keep your delicious drink cooler for longer. 2. To wash with, use water to wash pretty much anything you like. Items I choose to wash using water: My body (including teeth), My car, Clothes and general household items. I have two main ways of washing my body Shower or bath; once again this is mood dependent. To relax I choose a bath (whack in some lavender bath bombs from lush and I’m ready to chill) to refresh I choose to shower (additional info: favourite shower song right now is “I got The” by Labbi Sifri sampled by Eminem on “my name is”.) To wash the car, usually done at a car wash, but to my knowledge they do use water. Clothes and household items, you get the idea, immerse in water (not electrical items, just wipe these ones with minimal water) Best to use some form of detergent when washing any items; this breaks down the skin of the water and actually allows it to clean (that piece of info should at least get me a ‘useful’ rating from people who may not have known that) 3. To squirt with, haven’t done this in a while but if my memory serves me correctly this is still fun. Fill up some kind of pistol device with ‘water’ and squirt at the chosen victim. Riot police also use this method, but that is not much fun!!! In the same vein, water bombs used to wet a victim are fun (if you were a victim of a water attack and didn’t find it fun, then I apologise if this opinion offends) Watering the plants in my garden is a practical use of water squirting. To dampen your clothes while ironing (see I have easily taken the fun out of water squirting antics!!) If you can think of anymore, please comment! But these are my main uses of water. WATER WARNINGS DO NOT: Immerse face in water for lengthy period of time. Immerse electrical items in water. Swim in dirty seawater. Drink from toilets. Throw on chip pan fire. DO: Drink. Wash. Squirt. Have fun Leave me a comment

I think it is because I can sit and laugh at stupid people who do stupid things and then get hurt! Is that mean of me?

Yes!

Let me explain, I'm not laughing at the old lady who slips on some wet floor and lands on her backside or a stage collapsing with a full band falling ten feet. That kind of thing I just don't think should be shown. Also I'm not laughing at the animals, as they know no better.

No, I'm laughing at the drunk people dancing on flimsy tables, The show off at the wedding with his funny (!) high kicking antics who has spotted that he is being filmed, The man balancing a ladder on a coffee table holding a tin of paint in his teeth whilst painting the ceiling, Your dad dancing at a family gathering, The man who gets too close to the monkeys cage and gets p*ssed on by a chimp, The DIY stuntman riding on a motorbike through his homemade shed of fire.

These people should all know better than to do these kind of things, and if you happen to be caught on camera being an idiot then I feel its okay for me to laugh at you

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More of a question than an opinion. but, who is the doctor ? is it the man or woman that's sits in the small room marked"doctor" ? or is it the ladies who sit in reception drinking tea and slating the person who just phoned to make an appointment ? I'm not too sure anymore ! All I wanted was for my doctor to sign my passport photo. But it was like being interrogated by the police. Are you not ill ? Have you been ill ? I can see from your records that you haven't been well ! so hold up a second, we are in a room full of local pensioners and you are shouting my illness records through a hole in the wall. One time I did have to see the doctor about an itchy scalp he didn't have a clue !! He looked at my head, then looked in a medical journal, then he got a couple of students to have a look and then just my luck he called in the receptionists for their opinion !!! Eventually they all came to the conclusion that I had scabies. Damn fools !! (turns out I was allergic to my shaving foam) and he gets paid well over £60,000 a year to tell me wrong info (and £165 an hour when he does private work) This is only a story about one practice so I'm not slating all GPs !! also what do I do if I'm ill between 12 and 2pm or 5pm and 9am ? why do I have to sit in a waiting room with other ill people, I might catch something ?! why are the magazines so old ? why are the plants dead ? why do the toys smell of p*ss ? I need cheering up if I'm ill.

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If you are visiting a dodgy market at the weekend and fancy buying some mobile phone accessories, here are my thoughts: Ringtones, First of all this is all about personalisation so why does everyone have the ringtone ‘Stan’ by Eminem (really ‘thank you’ by Dido) at the moment? But damn! I have fallen for it as well and added some ringtones myself; here is my current choice: Rap Superstar- cypress hill Pinky and the Brain Theme Walk this way- Run DMC Sledgehammer- Peter Gabriel (used by 3rd Base ‘pop goes the weasel’) Sir Duke- Stevie Wonder I dream of Jeanie theme (used by Jazzy Jeff and Fresh Prince ‘Girls ain’t nothin’ but trouble’) Also when I’m in a place where there could be loads of 12 year olds I keep the ‘Ring Ring’ tone handy just in case. I don’t want to be embarrassed with a daft tune. Then I can tut at the sad kids playing the latest garage tunes beeping from their Nokia 3210s Hee Hee. Fascia’s, Why would anyone buy: A fake sliding flip? A fascia with ‘GSM’ printed on it? So, popular right now are: YSL, Gucci, Versace – Are these real? I think not! Bagpuss, Budweiser, Metz, Football teams, South Park, Shiny Gold/Silver, Camouflage. (These are just the type that I have seen loads of and I am well aware that there are many more) How many of the fascias are actually made by the correct companies shown on the fascia and are not fakes ??????????????? I cracked my fascia on one of my Nokia 8210s and all I wanted was an original replacement, But no, either I had to buy two for £20 one of which I didn’t want. Or By one of those damn scrappy looking ‘GSM’ fakes. Or Go to MPC who charge £17.50 for a single cover that has been taken from one of the £20 double packs?!?!?!? Bandits !!! (MPC in Radlett please take note) Fluffy animal shaped cases, I just don’t like these, sorry! Wrist Strap, Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee Flashing Aerials, Oh my god! Anyone with one of these looks like a proper crazy fool I hate these, but that’s only my humble opinion!! Headsets with boom Mic’s As above Belt Clip, PLEASE DO NOT WEAR YOUR PHONE ON YOUR BELT, DO YOU KNOW HOW STUPID YOU LOOK?? This is usually Motorola users, so no ones going to nick it, are they?!?!? Now for some items I find kind of useful: In Car charger, used to charge your handset by plugging into the cigarette lighter of your car. Best-used on Lithium type Batteries as will not cause memory effect. Handsfree car kit, built in speaker, mic and charger. Easy to spot the benefits of this! Handsfree headset, only to be used in the car, please do not use this while walking along you look like a jive turkey! Bluetooth application, Woo hoo no cables!!! But damn, my headset has a boom mic !!! I look like a crazy fool! At the market you will find a dodgy looking bloke with a laptop selling: Ringtones, Which you can get from the internet for free (if you know where to look) or if you have the correct software for you PC (easily downloadable) costs between £1-£4 from Mr Dodgy. Operator and group graphics, also from the Internet. You can have your name or limp bizkit written on your screen instead of your network operator. This will cost between £2 and £4. Phone unlocked (to use on another network) Vodafone and Cellent do not lock their contract phones so don’t pay to have it unlocked, they only lock their prepay handsets. Orange and one2one lock all their handsets. This will cost £15 from the dodgy bloke, however all the codes can be found on the Internet. At a couple of markets I have visited recently I have noticed these stalls to be absol utely surrounded by kids waving tenners around shouting ‘I want Stan!’, so this is a bit of a money-spinner!! Do: Be sensible, Be original, Be Individual Leave me a comment Don’t: Be conned, Copy your mate, Be offended if I mentioned you in this opinion, I’m only playing! WEAR A PHONE ON YOUR BELT!!! Push me cause I’m close to the edge, I’m trying not to lose my head, ahuh huh!

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Ever listened to an Eminem song and wondered who Violent Gay and Faggot 2 dope were? I did, But then I was enlightened when I was sent some CDs by the Insane clown posse. Eminem hates this group as he claims that “they make a mockery of Hip-hop” (they come from Detroit as well) Two psychopaths called Violent Jay and Shaggy 2 Dope (Mike E Clark makes the music, but you don’t see him), dressed in Baggy skater outfits and faces painted like evil clowns talk of evil things including: Rape, Murder, Bestiality, Necrophilia, drugs, Guns, Killing, slicing, chopping, cutting, being insane, stabbing people for fun and general sick antics. Not really for the faint hearted as it does go into some graphic detail, But I can handle it, also I am not likely to be brainwashed by the lyrics and go and commit any of the acts that are portrayed (but some easily lead psychopathic people might) All this is brought to us in the style of a kinda Rock Rap Hip-hop format with Circus sounds added for weirdness. Some of the beats, breaks, cutting and samples are pretty good but if you have read any of my previous opinions you would know that I’m not a great fan of guitar based sounds, so I tend to give those songs a miss. I’m not going to say whether I like this Group or not as I don’t really know, may be I should listen a bit more and make a firm decision. As far as I am aware they have never done a gig over here (if I’m wrong please let me know) The lyrics are bad, over the top, evil and sick, but the way they flow is good. So if that all sounds like your bag, give them a listen, but steer clear if you are: Easily offended. Easily Lead. Easily sickened. Into pop music. Fans of ICP are called Juggalos. Below I have listed the albums I have been given, I have also added a small comment to the tunes a might listen to again. As you can see from some of the titles these guys are kinda weird!! Ringmaster (1994) 1. Intro 2. Wax Museum 3. Murder Go Round 4. Chicken Huntin' 5. Mr. Johnson's Head 6. Southwest Song 7. Get off Me, Dog! 8. Who Asked You 9. The Dead One 10. My Fun House 11. For the Maggots 12. Wagon Wagon 13. The Loons 14. Ghetto Freak Show 15. Bugzs on My Nugzs 16. House of Mirrors 17. Ringmaster's Word Carnival of Carnage 1. Untitled 2. Carnival Of Carnage 3. The Juggla 4. First Day Out 5. Red Neck Hoe 6. Wizard Of The Hood 7. Is That You? 8. Psychopathic 9. Guts On The Ceiling 10. Never Had It Made 11. Your Rebel Flag 12. Ghetto Freak Show 13. Taste Riddle Box (1995) 1. Riddle Box 2. The Show Must Go On 3. Chicken Huntin' [Slaughter House Mix] 4. Toy Box 5. Cemetery Girl 6. 3 Rings 7. Headless Boogie 8. The Joker's Wild 9. Dead Body Man 10. Lil' Somthin' Somthin' 11. Ol' Evil Eye 12. 12 13. The Killing Fields 14. I'm Coming Home The Great Milenko (1997) 1. Intro 2. Great Milenko 3. Hokus Pokus 4. Piggy Pie 5. How Many Times? 6. Southwest Voodoo 7. Halls of Illusions 8. Under the Moon 9. What Is a Juggalo? 10. House of Horrors 11. Boogie Woogie Wu 12. The Neden Game 13. Hellalujah 14. Down With the Clown 15. Just Like That 16. Pass Me By Forgotten Freshness: 1 & 2 (1998) Disc:1 1. Hey Vato 2. Dead Pumpkins 3. Fat Sweaty Betty 4. Willy Bubba 5. Graveyad 6. F**k Off 7. I Didn't Mean to Kill 'Em 8. Southwest Strangla 9. Santa's a Fat B**ch 10. Witching Hour Disc:2 1. Mr Johnson's Head Remix 2. Clown Love 3. Hokus Pokus Headhunta'z Remix 4. Red Christmas 5. House of Wonders 6. Mr. Rotten T reats 7. Piggy Pie (Old School) 8. I'm Not Alone 9. 85 Bucks an Hour 10. Halloween on Military Street 11. Dog Beats 12. Mental Warp The Amazing Jeckel Brothers (1999) 1. Intro 2. Jake Jeckel 3. Bring It On - Kinda like this one, is kinda funky. 4. I Want My Sh*t 5. B*tches - features ODB 6. Terrible 7. I Stab People 8. Another Love Song 9. Everybody Rize 10. Play With Me 11. Jack Jeckel 12. F*ck the World - This one is also quite funky. 13. The Shaggy Show - Features cameo rap by Snoop Dogg 14. Mad Professor 15. Assassins 16. Echo Side 17. Nothing's Left Bizzar (2000) 1. Intro 2. Bizzar 3. Cherry Pie (I Need a Freak) 4. Questions 5. Mr. Happy 6. Radio Stars 7. My Axe 8. If 9. Let's Go All the Way 10. Let a Killa 11. Juggalo Paradise 12. Crystal Ball Bizaar (2000) 1. Intro 2. Take Me Away 3. Fearless 4. Rainbows and Stuff 5. What 6. Still Stabbin' 7. Tilt-A-Whirl 8. We Gives No F**K 9. Please Don't Hate Me - Ha Ha, this one is all about Violent Jay sleeping with Eminems Mum. 10. Behind the Paint 11. My Homie Baby Mama 12. The Pendolum's Promise If You made it this far then ‘hello again’, Comment if you like!! I would be interested to hear other opinions on ICP MrDef.