I’ve created a schedule for myself that is very demanding, which means it is also exhausting. I’ve been feeling guilty about many things that I haven’t been doing, including writing a blog post in several weeks.

OK, fine. I’m a control freak. I like to know what’s going on. I like to be in control. I like to have a plan.

Trust in the Universe, trust in the Divine Plan, say my guides.

I can’t, I say. I have three children to take care of. I need to know that I will be able to house and feed them.

Trust.

I’m afraid.

At Hekate’s Sickle, at one of the rituals, we had an opportunity to draw a tarot card. I was hoping for a positive card, something that would show things looking up, changes coming. I drew the Four of Pentacles, also known as the miser card. It’s not the happiest card, but the message was clear.

By holding on so tightly, by needing to be in control, I’m not allowing myself to enjoy life. And chances are good, I may end up losing it all.

It sums up exactly what I’m feeling. Security is important to me. However, being a control freak isn’t serving me.

The nice thing about tarot is that it is a snapshot of where you are. You have free will, so you can change your future.

I surrender, God/Goddess/Universe. You have a higher vantage point than I do. Please guide me in the direction of my highest good and the highest good of all.

Surrender is not something I can do once. It is a choice I have to continue making, each day and each moment. It’s not always an easy choice, and I’m working on choosing it more often.

This applies to so much of my life right now – finances, work, school, home, emotions.

Yesterday was a beautiful, sunny fall day. I did something I haven’t done for a very long time (too long, to be honest) – I went for a walk in the woods. I definitely haven’t found the right balance of exercise and nature recently!

It’s been raining here, so the path was really muddy. The creeks and the puddles were full. Leaves blanketed the ground, and the sun dappled through the mostly bare trees.

I thought a lot about my husband – when he’s here, he walks that path pretty much every day. I miss him. He supports me in so many ways. I know that he is still supporting me as much as he can. It’s much more challenging from across the continent, though. That’s a definite balancing act – supporting each other physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Another delicate balance I’ve been thinking about lately is the balance between active manifesting and surrendering.

Manifestation involves several steps. I’ll use my car as an example.

First, I have to be clear about what I want. I want a reliable vehicle, preferably a minivan, to be able to get my children to school, me to work, and our family on our occasional trips. By reliable, I mean one that is in good running order. I want it to fit within my budget, or have my budget expand to accommodate the acquisition of the vehicle.

I need to take steps toward making it happen. Wishful thinking and visualization alone won’t necessarily bring about the change I seek. I need to be on the lookout for vehicles that will work. I can research which vehicles fit my needs.

The conundrum comes with that action. I start trying to work out HOW I’m going to manifest my ideal vehicle. I can wish to win money. I can apply for loans. What if that’s not really in my highest good? I don’t have the biggest picture because I am in the middle of my own life. If I push too hard on a specific solution, I may miss an easier or better opportunity that the Universe would present to me…if I weren’t so caught up in solving the problem on my own.

I’m working on that delicate balance of taking action, and letting the Universe take care of the how. Besides, it’s considerably less stressful when I’m not worrying about how it is going to happen. And that helps the delicate balance of my emotions!

When I speak of surrender, I’m not talking about running up a white flag and calling it quits. I’m more meaning a spiritual surrender – saying, “OK, Universe. What I’m doing obviously isn’t working. I give up. You can handle it.”

For a control freak like me, that can be easier said than done. It’s one thing to say to the Universe, “You take over.” It’s another thing completely to really let go of control; to stop worrying and trying to manage all the details.

It’s that last bit I’m finding challenging. All week I’ve been pondering how to truly let go. I’ve meditated, and asked for guidance. I listened to a guided meditation someone else wrote, and it didn’t quite do it for me.

I can’t tell you that I had a sudden moment of release. Gradually, little by little, the clenched fist in my heart has been letting go. I’m not 100% there yet. It’s something I’m still working on. And I’m also starting to trust that the Universe will take care of me. Things that would have sent me into a panic last week, are not such a big deal this week. And I’m finding myself saying, “I’ll worry about that if it happens,” a lot more frequently (rather than obsessively trying to plan for all the potential outcomes).

When I think I have to figure it all out, I limit the Universe. I am discovering that as I surrender control, I am more open to receive guidance, and I am acting on that guidance. And I leave myself open for better things to come to me.

An interesting image just came to me. By being clear about what I want, it’s like I’ve gotten in a taxi and told the driver where I want to go. By trying to control how I get there, it’s like trying to drive from the back seat. I just end up fighting with the driver!

As I let go a little bit more each day, I feel that I am moving ever closer to a manifestation that is bigger and better than I imagined. The best part is, I don’t have to figure out how its going to happen!

Blessings,

Mary

PS. I did finally receive a guided meditation to help with surrender. I’ll post it up when I get it recorded.