Monday, November 30, 2009

MESSIN' WITH SASQUATCH AT THANKSGIVING

My son Andrew's tee-ball experience can be defined by two golden moments.

The first occurred in mid-season when it became screamingly obvious that this game wasn't for him. So being the macho dad that I am, I tried to spur his interest in sports by concentrating on the positive. I asked him what was the best part of that day's game.He responded, "I saw a black butterfly."

THIS COULD HAVE EASILY BEEN ANDREW AND I. THE ULTIMATE NON-AGGRESSIVE PERSON, ANDREW WAS AWARDED THE PINATA ASSOCIATION'S VERSION OF THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE, BY BEING NAMED THE WORLD'S YOUNGEST CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR, TEN YEARS IN A ROW !

The other significant moment happened after the season, at the big awards dinner, (the dinner portion of this ceremony was a hot dog, potato chips and a generic soda, served while families sat on the ball field's infield).

Four year old Andrew already had his bag of chips and drink when a volunteer came by with the main course. He looked at the five-star cuisine and politely turned her down. The lady said, "Hun, are you sure you don't want a hot dog? Because there isn't anything else to choose from."Andrew said, "I don't like hot dogs."She said, "You don't like hot dogs? Why?"My guy matter-of-factly said, "I don't mind the hot...but I'm NOT eating a dog."

You'd guess from that statement that Andrew would grow up to be a picky eater but he is not. Actually, I am the picky eater at our house. And because most of my never-eat foods are so mainstream, people find my overweight condition to be incongruous and therefore humorous.

You see, my taste buds consider edible favorites like, berries, yogurt and oatmeal to be strictly verboten. Call me crazy but...the mere smell of Brussels Sprouts makes me wretch and being a contestant on "FEAR FACTOR" would be short-lived as soon as I had to eat a banana.

MAYBE WHEN I'M AS RICH AND FAMOUS AS J. K. ROWLING, I'LL EAT A BANANA AS A PUBLICITY STUNT...UNTIL THEN...DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH.

On the less mainstream side, I also would never eat borscht, liver, gefilite fish or beef jerky. Ah beef jerky, there's something about the concept of dried meat on a stick that is inherently disgusting. Just thinking about it, makes me recall a phrase I used a lot when I was a teenager, I wouldn't eat that with your mouth ! Oddly, there is a series of funny TV commercials for JACK LINK'S BEEF JERKY that I can't get enough of.CHECK-OUT THE NUTRITIONAL FACTS...IN THAT PANEL IT SAYS..."NONE!"

Armed with the catchphrase, feed your wild side, Jack Link advertisements feature several different vignettes called, "MESSIN' WITH SASQUATCH." Some of the themes include, putting shaving cream on Sasquatch's hand, offering him a lift and being taunted by mountain-bikers.

In case you were born under a rock, Sasquatch a.k.a. big foot or the yeti, is a hairy ape-like nocturnal humanoid who supposedly lives in the world's, coldest, most remote, mountain regions. While there is zero scientific evidence to prove its existence...there are plenty of people who swear they have sighted the beast. Even intelligent individuals like my friend BELL, take Sasquatch seriously !

WARNING: AS AUTHENTIC AS THIS PICTURE MIGHT SEEM, IT IS NOT A REAL SASQUATCH ! TRUST ME, THIS IS AN ACTOR IN A COSTUME.

More importantly, countless others try to capitalize on the big-foot myth. Some have gone as far as concocting elaborate hoaxes, in the off-beat chance of financially tapping into the public's naivete. For instance some "experts" assert that aliens control Sasquatches from distant galaxies while others suggest that an elfin accomplice, acting as a custodian, preserves the creature's anonymity by disposing molted fur, bodily waste and carcasses.

This year during Thanksgiving, I was fortunate to share my love of these ads with family, friends and new acquaintances who were unfamiliar with them. They tripled their pleasure by seeing three versions.

So while the technical effectiveness of these commercials might be low...I had to research the name of the product before writing this blog. Plus, I was NOT enticed at all to put beef jerky anywhere near my mouth. Nevertheless, I give thanks during this holiday season to the geniuses who thought-up this highly entertaining, "Messin' With Sasquatch," campaign...Larry Tate (R.I.P.) would be proud...because at least my Andrew enjoys an occasional beef jerky...but NOT in front of me.

NEIL ARMSTRONG - ASTRONAUNT (1930-2012)

MARCEL MARCEAU - MIME, ACTOR (1923-2007)

"FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST, THANK GOD ALL MIGHTY, I'M FREE AT LAST." and "DARKNESS CANNOT DRIVE OUT DARKNESS. ONLY LIGHT CAN DO THAT. HATE CANNOT DRIVE OUT HATE. ONLY LOVE CAN DO THAT." and "I HAVE A DREAM THAT MY FOUR LITTLE CHILDREN WILL ONE DAY LIVE IN A NATION WHERE THEY WILL NOT BE JUDGED BY THE COLOR OF THEIR SKIN, BUT BY THE CONTENT OF THEIR CHARACTER."

LINDSAY NELSON - SPORTSCASTER - (1919-1995)

"THEY, (THE 1962, NEW YORK METS), PLAYED FOR FUN, BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T PLAY ANY OTHER WAY."

SAM LEVENSON - HUMORIST-JOURNALIST (1911-1980)

IF YOU DIE IN AN ELEVATOR, BE SURE TO PRESS THE "UP" BUTTON.

BUDDHA (SIDDHARTHA GAUTAMA) - SPIRITUAL TEACHER (c. 563 BC - 483 BC)

"THOUSANDS OF CANDLES CAN BE LIT FROM A SINGLE CANDLE, AND THE LIFE OF THE CANDLE WILL NOT BE SHORTENED. HAPPINESS NEVER DECREASES BY BEING SHARED." and "YOU CAN SEARCH THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE FOR SOMEONE MORE DESERVING OF YOUR LOVE AND AFFECTION THAN YOU ARE YOURSELF AND THAT PERSON IS NOT TO BE FOUND ANYWHERE. YOU YOURSELF, AS MUCH AS ANYBODY IN THE UNIVERSE, DESERVE YOUR LOVE AND AFFECTION."

MOTHER TERESA - NUN & MISSIONARY (1910-1997)

"I KNOW GOD WILL NOT GIVE ME ANYTHING I CAN'T HANDLE, I JUST WISH HE DIDN'T TRUST ME SO MUCH."

SHIRLEY JACKSON - AUTHOR (1916-1965)

"I HAVE OFTEN NOTICED THAT ONE CAN OBSERVE WITH DETATCHMENT, SIGHTS THAT WHEN PUT INTO WORDS BECOME DISGUSTING."

MALCOLM X. - CIVIL RIGHTS ACTIVIST, CLERGYMAN (1925-1965)

"YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE SO BLIND WITH PATRIOTISM THAT YOU CAN'T FACE REALITY. WRONG IS WRONG NO MATTER WHO SAYS IT OR DOES IT."

MEL BLANC - VOICE ACTOR, COMEDIAN (1908-1989)

"THAT'S ALL FOLKS!"

MUHAMMAD ALI - BOXER, SOCIAL ACTIVIST (1942-Present)

"I AM THE GREATEST."

JACKIE GLEASON - ACTOR, COMEDIAN (1916-1987)

"THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO WITH MONEY... IS SAVE IT."

JAWAHARLAL NEHRU - 1st PRIME MINISTER OF INDIA - 1889-1964

"LIFE IS LIKE A GAME OF CARDS, THE HAND YOU ARE DEALT IS DETERMINISM. THE WAY YOU PLAY IT, IS FREE WILL."

HARRY TRUMAN - 33RD U.S. PRESIDENT - (1884-1972)

"IT'S A RECESSION WHEN YOUR NEIGHBOR LOSES HIS JOB; IT'S A DEPRESSION WHEN YOU LOSE YOURS."

EDGAR ALLAN POE - AUTHOR (1809-1849)

"I HAVE NO FAITH IN HUMAN PERFECTABILITY. I THINK THAT HUMAN EXERTION WILL HAVE NO APPRECIABLE EFFECT UPON HUMANITY. MAN IS NOW ONLY MORE ACTIVE-NOT MORE HAPPY-NOR WISE, THAN HE WAS 6000 YEARS AGO."

CONFUCIUS - SOCIAL PHILOSOPHER - (551 BC - 479 BC)

"NEVER IMPOSE ONTO OTHERS WHAT YOU WOULD NOT CHOOSE FOR YOURSELF."

RODNEY DANGERFIELD - ACTOR - COMEDIAN - (1921-2004)

MY LUCK IS SO BAD, IF I INVESTED IN A CEMETERY, PEOPLE WOULD STOP DYING....Dangerfield's Tombstone, "THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD."

ZSA ZSA GABOR - ACTRESS - (1917-PRESENT)

"I NEVER HATED A MAN ENOUGH TO GIVE BACK HIS DIAMONDS."

RONALD REAGAN - 40th U.S. PRESIDENT - ACTOR (1911-2004)

"IT HAS BEEN SAID THAT POLITICS IS THE SECOND OLDEST PROFESSION. I HAVE LEARNED THAT IT BEARS A STRIKING RESEMBLENCE TO THE FIRST.'

HASKEL "HY" EDELBLUM - FATHER, ROLE MODEL, ARTIST (1928-1995)

"IF SOMEONE IS TALKING TO THEM SELF AND YOU ANSWER, THEN THEY AREN'T TALKING TO THEM SELF."

OPRAH WINFREY TV Host, Producer, Philantropist (1954 to Present)

"CHEERS TO A NEW YEAR AND ANOTHER CHANCE TO GET IT RIGHT." and "YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL. YOU JUST CAN'T HAVE IT ALL AT ONCE."

ERMA BOMBECK - AUTHOR, HUMORIST (1927-1996)

SHOPPING IS A WOMAN THING. IT'S A CONTACT SPORT LIKE FOOTBALL. WOMEN ENJOY THE SCRIMMAGE, THE NOISY CROWDS, THE DANGER OF BEING TRAMPLED TO DEATH AND THE ECSTASY OF THE PURCHASE.

TRUMAN CAPOTE - AUTHOR, HUMORIST (1924-1984)

LIFE IS A MODERATELY GOOD PLAY WITH A BADLY WRITTEN THIRD ACT.

CLARENCE DARROW - LAWYER (1857-1938)

AS LONG AS THE WORLD SHALL LAST THERE WILL ALWAYS BE WRONGS AND IF NO MAN OBJECTED AND NO MAN REBELLED, THESE WRONGS WOULD LAST FOREVER.