What Your Selfies Say About You

Earlier this week, a Texas mother of four, Kimberly Hall, made national headlines with her online manifesto to teenage girls prone to taking and posting self-portraits on social media. “Who are you trying to reach?” the mom asked. “What are you trying to say?” Girls who keep this sort of thing up, the mom went on to write, will be blocked in her household, because “Did you know that once a male sees you in a state of undress, he can’t ever un-see it? You don’t want the Hall boys to only think of you in this sexual way, do you? Neither do we.”

Though her post is rife with sexism—the post runs beneath a photograph of her own three boys shirtless on the beach and includes no mention of the responsibility of the viewer, or her sons, in how he/they respond to such images—Hall makes a valid point. Ever since smartphones came equipped with cameras that face not just outward but also backward at the user, the self-portrait—dubbed the “selfie”—has taken over social media, particularly Instagram. (It’s popular on dating sites, as well.) Because of the selfie’s close-up nature, it’s far more intimate than, say, the portrait your sister took of you standing in front of the Grand Canyon. Many selfies carry sexual undertones, especially since the majority of selfies are, obviously, user-approved, and designed to leave a positive impression or elicit a positive response. But it’s not just technology that has driven the selfie—and it’s not only teenage girls and singles using it to take control of how they present themselves to the world.

Sarabeth, a 40-year-old, married chief operating officer of a digital media company, routinely wove magazine-worthy photographs of herself lounging seductively on the beach, laughing by candlelight, and snuggling with her kids into her Instagram feed. They weren’t all posed, though all were flawless, and served to project a certain image, that of money, power, and love of what, by all visual accounts, was her amazingly fun-filled life. “I don’t put much thought into what I post other than if it’s a nice photograph of a meaningful moment, I like to share it,” she told me. “But no, if I look god-awful, that’s not a photo that will see the light of day.”

On the surface, the trend is sort of affirming, if undeniably self-absorbed: Women, whether rich and powerful like Sarabeth or otherwise, increasingly have a healthy image of themselves. That’s a good thing. Girls creator Lena Dunham is a big fan of the selfie, both on social media and through her show—which shares with selfies a confessional quality. On TV, Dunham’s character often appears naked or in various states of undress; in real life, her Instagram selfies aren’t necessarily flattering by typical standards. They challenge the “Hollywood ideal” and that, too, is a good thing, especially when size 0 celebrities dominate so much of the modern day visual barrage. The more we see a range of body types, the better.

And yet selfies are also a manifestation of society’s obsession with looks and its ever-narcissistic embrace. There’s a sense that selfie subjects feel as though they’re starring in their own reality shows, with an inflated sense of self that allows them to believe their friends or followers are interested in seeing them lying in bed, lips pursed, in a real world headshot. It’s like looking in the mirror all day long, and letting others see you do it. And that can have real and serious implications. Excessive narcissism, studies have found, can have adverse effects on marriage and relationships, parenting, and the workplace. One study found a link between excessive narcissism and violence.

What’s more, a recent study out of the U.K. found that the selfie phenomenon may be damaging to real world relationships, concluding that both excessive photo sharing and sharing photos of a certain type—including self-portraits—makes people less likeable. The same study found that increased frequency of sharing self-portraits is related to a decrease in intimacy with others. For one thing, putting so much emphasis on your own looks can make others feel self-conscious about theirs in your presence. The pressure to be “camera-ready” can also heighten self-esteem issues and increase feelings of competition among friends.

The trick with selfies may be to look at why you’re taking them—and what they do for you. Posting affirming selfies can be empowering. They can help readjust the industry standard of the beauty ideal. But they can also help reinforce the idea that what matters most in this world is how things, and people, look. For Sarabeth, the problem she noticed first, before she even noticed her increasing fixation with her own appearance and that of her family, was the fact that she was so busy controlling her image that she’d often miss the moment in real life. Capturing something on camera took priority over reacting to something in person. “Documenting the experience took precedence over living it,” she said. “And finally I realized, well, how can I expect others to pay attention to what’s happening in my life when I can’t even say the same for myself?”

Peggy Drexler, Ph.D. is a research psychologist, Assistant Professor of Psychology at Weill Medical College, Cornell University and author of two books about modern families and the children they produce. Follow Peggy on Twitter and Facebook and learn more about Peggy at www.peggydrexler.com

I collect and categorize twitter avatars among which are many selfies. And one thing that surpised me is the difference in the way men and women portray themselves. The gender divide is amazing. A few examples:

These kind of selfies are almost uniquely male:
http://www.avadenticals.org/categories/29.-dramatic-black
http://www.avadenticals.org/categories/40.-reclining-romeo
http://www.avadenticals.org/categories/61.-headset

I guess the question is: are these differences the consequence of an existing ‘cultural’ phenomenon or is something else going on? I really wonder.

I find those gender specific selfie patterns quite fascinating. Some are quite clearly playing into expected gender stereotypes (e.g. the cute as a kitten whiskers, the temptress (supposedly) duck face ones, the friendly/interested head tilts, the mysterious and serious man in black and white). However others I need to ponder on for a while - the girl without foreheads??? Perhaps it's just meant to make it look spontaneous?

I understand the girls without foreheads selfies. It focuses the viewer on their face and flowing hair. Honestly, I didn't even notice these types cropped the forehead out until reading this. I always just viewed them as super closeups.

The kitten thing is just goofy kids stuff, the 'duck face' is either giving or inviting kissing depending on how relaxed it is. The closeup simple black & white male pics and the headphone ones don't make much sense to me.

I read the post. I read the comments. I read the sarcastic rebuttal. It is obvious we live in a world which fails to understand self-control, responsibility and morals.

That mother didn't say her sons weren't responsible for their own thoughts. She's saying that, as a mother, it's her job to help them develop self-control. It's her job to teach them that when they are faced with temptation, the right thing to do is remove the immoral thought by doing something else.

She's training them in the habit of doing what is right. And people call her sexist? Unbelievable.

Obviously, the idea of self-control is beyond what anyone can fathom. Sure, that's what they're saying with their lips when they proclaim the girls can be as suggestive as they want but it's the boy's responsibility not to have a physical reaction to it.

That's right. It is. One way to do that is turn away from what is bad.

If sex were bad and we were to all turn away from it, we would very quickly die out.

But we're not even talking about sex here. We're talking about a boy seeing a picture. Maybe it would be more productive teaching boys that they don't have to lay everything that moves, than it is shaming young women for the capital crime of sending a photograph.

And it never ceases to amaze me that the same crowd seeing something "immoral" in a woman's state of dress or undress, can't see anything "immoral" about forcing a poor person to starve or beating up a kid for being gay. You need to expand and edit your perception of morality, post haste.

P.S. Before you start in about the immorality of sex before marriage, let me just say that marriage is no guarantee of morality, nor does it protect anyone from misfortune. Just thought you ought to know.

I’m embarrassed when people push so far outside of their field of science, just to put their unsubstantiated opinions across. There’s no scientific evidence put forth by this author and posting of self-portraits does not make for a narcissist diagnosis. Narcissists are outgoing people, believing they are the life of the party; they crave personal interaction with groups and yes have a high level of vanity.
In scientific research the is limitations of the research in this case the age of the author should be considered old cultural restrictions directing the researcher to find what they believe to be so.
However we can also have a historic look at the research through out history anything new introduced into sociality has been deemed to be the sauce of destroying the social fibres of sociality, eg mass production of the bible, book production, the telephone, the radio, television, internet, mobile phones, this historic study shows we all came through it accept those who got an opinion forced on to them such as burning of witches and the era of book burning.
Germaine Greer introduced sociality to female sexual freedoms is the author wanting to push back sociality by 100 years, maybe adopted the fully covered with a vial motif.

"For Sarabeth, the problem she noticed first, before she even noticed her increasing fixation with her own appearance and that of her family, was the fact that she was so busy controlling her image that she’d often miss the moment in real life. Capturing something on camera took priority over reacting to something in person. “‘Documenting ‘the experience took precedence over living it,” she said. “And finally I realized, well, how can I expect others to pay attention to what’s happening in my life when I can’t even say the same for myself?’"

Yes, yes, yes, in terms of our constantly taking pictures and making videos, this is a major problem. In fact, I wrote about it in the relatively primitive technological days of 1994. In a piece titled “Hooked on High Tech,” which I published in New York Newsday on September 8 of that year. I wrote, “Along with its dangers and de-socializing effects, our addiction to technology also cuts down on our use of imagination (television vs. books) and takes us out of the here and now. I was witness to a poignant example of technoaddiction ruining a potentially wonderful experience on a whale watch off Cape Cod several years ago. There were plenty of whales, and I was having a great time watching them. An acquaintance was videotaping. Suddenly, the tape stopped. ‘Oh, no!” he said, clearly in great distress.

‘Come on, honey,’ said his wife, ‘you can just watch them.’ But there was no consoling him. More important than the actual experience in the moment was capturing it to watch at a future time. But you can’t capture the present. Even if his battery hadn’t died, he wouldn’t have been ‘there.’”

I wrote that almost 20 years ago, about an incident from a few years before. But since then our technology addiction has only gotten worse. (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/real-men-dont-write-blogs/201207/techno-addiction-vs-our-human-needs).

Everyone should read Sherry Turkle’s 2011 book, Alone Together: Why We Expect More From Technology and Less From Each Other. Turkle, a psychoanalyst and M.I.T. professor was once a big fan of modern technology, but now sees its potential destructive effects on human interactions.

Students of what make human beings happy seem to agree that one thing we really need is a social life – literally getting together with other people. But with Instagram, texting, Facebook, and on and on, it’s so easy not to do this. However, there is no indication that all of those can really be a substitute for being with other human beings. And really being there, not just being physically present while you are constantly checking your smart phone, texting, and taking photos and videos.

My chief complaint about the (generalization here) of the extreme increase of pictures that people post of themselves online has to do with how it seems to encourage a preoccupation with look-ism in our society as a whole. The preoccupation with how it looks can lead to ignoring other things. I think it has a cost: It can divert a person's attention away from the way things really are. Because it looks great, it encourages the viewer to accept what is seen at face value and then it is time to move on to the next great shot of whomever or whatever. Instead of art imitating life....life is assumed to (always)be artful and always looks beautiful and happy and content. It pitches critical thinking skills and reflection on what might lie beneath the surface right out of the window. I find this trend disturbing and worrisome. I would say, again in general, kids (because they are more vulnerable) are more prone to this than adults who were raised in a different day when "selfies," were not the norm.

It is not just teenage girls. I have this facebook friend and she is in her late 30's and she constantly posts selfies. Although, they're not always photos of her looking "beautiful, etc." Some are just close-ups of her eye or nose. Okay?! Others are pics of her looking gloomy, and then she will post a comment which tends to be a long paragraph explaning why she "looks gloomy" in the photo. Oh please! I'm sorry, but in my opinion, people who constantly post selfies are telling the world, "Hey, it's all about me, me and me!"

This is a fantastic article and shows how selfies are a result of our current societies need for perfection.
However I think that, in turn, selfies are changing the way we relate and act within our society (for example how and why we gain praise from others).
It led me to write an article on the subject for my blog. Looking at how selfies are changing the way we interact within society.
take a look I would love to know your thoughts:
http://philipontech.wordpress.com/2014/05/27/selfie-the-mark-of-a-digital-generation/

"with an inflated sense of self that allows them to believe their friends or followers are interested in seeing them lying in bed, lips pursed, in a real world headshot."

Of all the people I've talked to who take selfies, all of them seemed very aware that no one, even their friends, really give a crap about their pictures.

I think the reason that people take LOTS of selfies and post them online is not because they think that they are so important to their friends, I think they do it because they are worried that they are NOT acceptable to their peers, and so they post pictures as a never-ending search for positive feedback.

They post a picture of themselves in a particular setting. They get validation that their appearance, behavior, and status are acceptable when people "like" it, comment on it, or forward it. Then they know that they are accepted by the community. If people write mean comments in response (cyber bullying and "trolling") then they know that they're not accepted by the community.

Likewise, when they post comments on things or "retweet" messages or "like" things, they are attempting to validate their thoughts and opinions.

It's not that they think they're too special, it's that they're worried that they're not special enough.

These selfies may indicate a positive self image, but if that's the case, it's a very fragile one. That's why kids kill themselves when their peers post something mean on Facebook (cyber bullying). It's not because they care about one person's negative thoughts, it's because when they sought positive feedback from the community about who they are (their appearance, their personal style, etc.) they received negative feedback instead, and were devastated.