The coming out story of a 20-something year old masculine gay guy in London. This blog is no longer active but I hope you enjoy/learn something from the posts

Saturday, 6 November 2010

All About Me and this Blog

Welcome to my blog!

My name is Gay Traveller.

Why call myself that? Well, I am gay and I do love to travel so I guess that's one reason but this is not a blog about gay travelling. It's a blog about my journey into gay life. I am pretty much starting from the beginning here and have a lot to navigate through as I try to find my place in the world as a masculine gay man. And so in that sense I guess that also makes me a gay traveller doesn't it? I thought so at least!

Let me start by giving you some background information about my life up until now.

I am 24 years old and have recently graduated from university. The first person to find out that I was gay was my mother, when she asked me at the age of 20 (she found Google searches for gay porn on the computer - embarrassing to say the least!) It all went fine though and in the years that followed she did a lot of the dirty work for me by telling other people in my family, all of whom have been great about it. However, I still went through the whole of school and university without telling a single friend or without having a single gay experience.

Why the trouble? Well I think it comes down to me not really knowing my place in the world. I know that I'm gay, I've done so since the age of 10. And I've never thought otherwise (even if I tried). The furthest I ever got with a girl sexually was a bit of pathetic kissing, which didn't do anything for me at all. But I'm also not a full-on gay either, at least not in the stereotypical sense. I guess you could say I'm what is known as a "masculine" or "straight-acting" gay. I'm very low-key and not camp at all. Yeah sure I'm as big a fan of Kylie as the next gay guy but I'm also just like any other straight guy in many respects. In fact most people who find out that I'm gay are quite surprised! And so I went through school and university not really knowing where I belong. I don't quite fit in with all the macho guys (I learned that while I was at an all boys boarding school) but I also don't see myself as one of the gays, especially as most of the gay guys I've encountered in my life have been very effeminate. There's nothing wrong with that but it's just not me. And so I find myself in this awful no mans land not quite knowing where I belong. I'm sure I can't be the only one in the world in this situation but I'm yet to meet someone else who is.

As a result I've lived my life up until now in relative silence. I didn't pretend to be straight at university. I just didn't do anything. I avoided any conversations where I might get caught out and avoided any parties or nights out where I thought I might get myself into an unwanted situation. I had friends but not millions of them and because they didn't know my full story I always felt like there was a distance between us and that we were not proper friends. It goes without saying that I didn't have any gay experiences either. I hardly had the opportunity to do so because I lived in the sort of place where everybody seems to know each others business. But even if I did have the opportunity I was too scared to do anything about it anyway.

Having graduated from university now though I have set out to change my life for the better. I recently told all of my closest friends that I'm gay (via email) and while it was probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life it also went better than I could ever have imagined. It hasn't changed the fact though that I am still a virgin and still have a near non-existent gay life. But that is going to change. It's not going to be easy and it might take a while, as the way I've lived my life up until now has left me feeling very unsure about myself and my future. But I know I have to do something about it soon or else I probably never will.

I've started this blog to help motivate me on my way and to act as a record of my successes and failures. I hope that in the process I will be able to help other guys in a similar situation and that other guys will be able to help me.

Feel free to comment on my posts or even email me directly at whoisgaytraveller@gmail.com