Just kick me out of my first real fandom now

[Vague Avatar: The Last Airbender spoilers are vague, but possibly not vague enough]

My love of women with disabilities being awesome and interdependent together is officially out of the realm of all that is good and holy.Because, Internet, I have seen Avatar: The Last Airbender, and I want the impossible: something post-canon in which Toph and Azula have a scam-tastic field trip adventure, evading and outsmarting ableist asshats and punching them in the face.

After 24 hours of thinking, I could see this working if and only if all these conditions (and those I haven't thought of) are met:

1) They're both under MAJOR threat from (probably) the same ableist asshat(s)--like someone/a group of someones who will bring them back to where they can be looked after 24/7. Which would mean that Zuko is a jerkass and the fangirls will cry Toph's parents have learned nothing. They're clueless, but not that clueless.

2) Azula doesn't/can't just fix #1 by killing it (and Toph) with fire.

3) Each of them has skills the other doesn't, which are necessary for dealing with #1.

4) Each of them realizes (and admits) the other has skills that she doesn't and that those skills are necessary for dealing with #1 in a "Without them I am screwed" sort of way.

5) Both of them can put aside their do-it-myselfness long enough to do #4 at all, let alone think of team-uppery. (Toph has a hard enough time doing that with people who haven't tried to kill her for two seasons).

6) They would need to see each other as equals. And Azula...well, no.

7) Before 3-6 can happen, they would need lots of time to ignore each other/do horrible things to each other/ try to sell each other out to #1.

8) It doesn't end up looking like a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

9) It has a plot.

Which is, of course, beyond ridiculous. (Doing blasphemous things to canon? I've never done that.) And yet, I will probably definitely keep thinking about this because I want it WITH ALL MY HEART. Sigh.

One challenge of thinking about post-canon Azula for me is that she's so invested in power, and her position would drastically shift. How would she respond to having, let's say, less power than the servants who are now support staff? This is the person who said, basically: "I have power because I do. You don't because you don't. Deal with it."

And I'm not even sure she would really have wanted/could deal with being at the very top of a hierarchy, anyway. Because she was always loyal to her father--renaming Omashu after him and not herself genuinely surprised me--and then he just abandoned her. Which was bad enough, but the prospect of becoming Fire Lord seemed an extra layer of bad to me, like: "I've always been #2. WTF do I do now?!"

All of this leads to the other problem: everyone else's place in the hierarchy shifts, too. What would Zuko do/how would their relationship change? (Power relationships involving family caregivers are entangled (and can be subtle) things, even without Fire Nation royal family dysfunction.

Even Toph fitting in to all this would be complicated. According to Word of God is right, Azula has what Toph's parents have threatened her with (being watched 24/7). And how would Toph feel about that? I can see her feeling anything from "Even though I don't like you at all, that is totally unfair" to "People like you are the reason my parents tried to pull that/You make us all look bad." Or, more likely, some combination of the two with lots of other things mixed in.

I want so many things from my post-canon Azula fanfic. SO MANY THINGS.

It's something I want to read so, so much, but I don't think I have the writing chops, or the in-depth knowledge of mental illness, to pull off.

And as far as I can tell, no-one else on the internet has obliged. Sigh.

But now I so, so want to put Toph and Azula together in some capacity. *Stares at your list, gulps*

If you write it, mind you, I will be there with bells on!

Although:

Which was bad enough, but the prospect of becoming Fire Lord seemed an extra layer of bad to me, like: "I've always been #2. WTF do I do now?!"

I don't know if that's how I read it. Because, I mean, the horrible thing was that she was still number two, because as you say Ozai had abandoned her and palmed her off with the suddenly-subordinate position of Fire Lord.

I mean, if she had somehow come out actually on top (say Aang did somehow defeat Ozai on the Day of Black Sun without managing to seize control of the Fire Nation?) I can see her staying there for quite a while.

She has, after all, had a lot of practice at being perfect. And without her father discounting her ('you can't treat me like Zuko!') ... well.

Though, the idea of Fire Lord Azula is frankly terrifying in a whole variety of ways...

[T]he horrible thing was that she was still number two, because as you say Ozai had abandoned her and palmed her off with the suddenly-subordinate position of Fire Lord.

Oh, of course--that interpretation does make more sense. I think where I got mine from was she seemed so: "Wow! This is everything I ever wanted!" and yet terrified when Ozai gave it to her. (Just from how she said: "Fire Lord?!" and the expression on her face. Yes, I am silly). But your interpretation is even more interesting, because...Azula responding to a sudden downward shift in power! DUDE! Thank you The Universe canon!

But now I so, so want to put Toph and Azula together in some capacity. *Stares at your list, gulps*

Best Toph-as-Melon-Lord voice: Mwahahahaha! :) It is a very intimidating list. (Although I can see Azula thinking of Toph as a useful tool to get what she wants). But I forgot something extremely important:

10) Neither of them can ever, under any circumstances, lose any of their awesomeness. EVER. (Eep!)

Which is another challenge that Azula's mental illness presents: how to keep her awesomeness while acknowledging that she has more difficulty doing certain things than she used to, and may be unable to do some of them at all? And this is why, despite my craving for post-Azula fic, I'm wary of reading most of it. Either the mental illness is a vehicle for Zuko's woobieness or she's someone else entirely or she's an

Among other things, I don't know anybody who's neurologically atypical or who has a chronic illness who has the access to all their skills that non-disabled people do. (Or as much as they did before they became disabled).

For example, part of my disability is a spatial impairment. I can learn how to walk from my house to, say, the library. I can walk to the library many, many times successfully. And then one day, I'll totally forget how to get there--even if I did it the day before.

So I'm not sure that post-canon Azula could stage a coup/run a city/lie/etc. in the same ways she used to. But I'm sure skills she needed for power-plays or manipulating people would be easier to use than skills she needed for mundaner tasks, even if they seemed like very similar skills on the surface. Which is sort of how she is in canon. (Setting up elaborate nests of lies to infiltrate the Earth Kingdom > flirting with guys).

Some people with disabilities call this awareness of skills/energy you have and conserving or shuffling them spoon theory. It's basically the idea that all your skills/energy are like a bunch of spoons. And if you have 12 spoons for the day, you have to carefully plan and allocate your usage of spoons, as well as possibly borrow some from tomorrow.

So the mental illness makes her less able to do things than she was...and possibly less awesome? Which might be why so But! I can totally see Azula understanding spoon (uh, weapon?) theory as well as she understands the Villain's Handbook. If anyone can actually break the rules of spoon theory and get away with it, she can. I'm sure she could shuffle her skills more deftly and complexly and cleverly than us peasants. Not enough to make her mental illness negligible--just enough to make her even MORE awesome. ;)

How would Azula's mental illness interact with her set of skills/her personality in general? What kinds of spoons weapons would she have, and how would she use/shuffle them? I...don't know yet. Would Toph's very presence trigger some of the weapons? After all, she is someone that Azula has beaten in the past--spectacularly--without any firebending. (Toph as assistive device, OMG!)

It's something I want to read so, so much but I don't think I have the writing chops... to pull off.

Oh, snap! What hope is there for me, then?! Your writing of Azula is always so deft and subtle and thought-provoking. I feel like all I have to chip away at her with is Thor's Hammer, and I keep hitting my thumb. (Tera, if you have just finished watching a series for the first time, and you've never been involved in fandom before, you should be interested in Less Complicated Things. Maybe you should take some of those and explore something more your speed for now--like Toph's relationship with her parents).

In five years when this is ready (among other things, I need to read, like, a zillion books plus other non-book stuff), maybe I could ask you to beta it?

And I meant:

"And this is why, despite my craving for post-Azula fic, I'm wary of reading most of it. Either the mental illness is a vehicle for Zuko's woobieness or she's someone else entirely--while being a vehicle for Zuko's woobiness--or she's an escaped mental patient on a rampage, OMG! (That's not been done a million times). I am even a little unsure of the highly-recommended Azula Trilogy, because from the looks of things, it cures the mental illness by the end. Which isn't necessarily bad--it's just not exactly what I want, even though it probably does it more thoughtfully than usual. (My whims, as you know, are bizarre things). Though I think I'm mostly wary of reading something that long."

she seemed so: "Wow! This is everything I ever wanted!" and yet terrified when Ozai gave it to her

Well, Ozai may have been a blind spot for Azula, but I guess even she realised, when he made her Fire Lord, that some other shoe was about to drop hard.

Thank you The Universe canon!

It is pretty amazing how many times one can say that when it comes to Avatar!

Though not, alas, about Avatar fic to the same extent.

I am even a little unsure of the highly-recommended Azula Trilogy, because from the looks of things, it cures the mental illness by the end.

Actually, this was one of the first Avatar fics I read. Which was a couple of months ago now, so I’m a little blurry, but, hmm. It was definitely competent, and it was actually all about Azula, which a surprising number of Azula fics fail at, grrr. And she did get to be awesome on a number of occasions. But I thought the writing was a bit pedestrian, to be honest. And yes, it did pretty much end up ‘curing’ Azula, though the author had to rely on some really heavy spirit-world interference to accomplish this.

Which is fair enough to some extent, given that the spirit world is an active part of the Avatar universe. But ultimately a bit of a cop out. And, yeah, it doesn’t sound as though it meshes with your priorities very well at all. So ... not really recommended.

Which is another challenge that Azula's mental illness presents: how to keep her awesomeness while acknowledging that she has more difficulty doing certain things than she used to, and may be unable to do some of them at all?

Exactly. So, so much of her identity was constituted by her absolute perfection. And of course by her father’s approval of her (over Zuko). And the end of the series doesn’t just strip all those things away from her, it strips them away, at least in part, retroactively. Adjusting to any kind of limitation at all is not going to be easy. But then, neither was mastering firebending and conquering a city – hell, a kingdom - before the age of fifteen.

For example, part of my disability is a spatial impairment.

Slightly stalkery internet confession! I’ve only had time to read a few pieces on your wordpress blog (I want to take them in properly), but everything I’ve read, especially your meditations on the condition of lostness in your latest two posts, has just been so eloquent in general and adroit at communicating the everyday dimensions of your disability: very deeply revealing and perspective-broadening for me, as someone who functions relatively ‘normally’. Not to mention moving and thought-provoking.

So, thank you, first of all.

Plus, an interesting background for writing Toph and Azula, if only because you’ve obviously already thought pretty profoundly about disability in general.

And, man, from your ‘Why I like to play the games I play’ post:

I want to do things differently than the way a game is forcing me to do them.

What a great metaphor for fanfiction.

But I'm sure skills she needed for power-plays or manipulating people would be easier to use than skills she needed for mundaner tasks, even if they seemed like very similar skills on the surface. Which is sort of how she is in canon. (Setting up elaborate nests of lies to infiltrate the Earth Kingdom > flirting with guys).

Yeah, absolutely. I think it’s so great that they showed her not being able to wrap the guys at that party round her little finger, because it would have been so easy to make her the familiar manipulative female who can translate political power-playing into successful flirting. Which is really just another way of saying that when women wield power, it’s always essentially sexual. Gah!

And, as you say, even Azula-the-party-dork is a instance of spoon-shuffling to some degree - and man, that ‘spoons’ piece. I’ve come across it before, and it was SUCH AN EYE OPENER – it just gives one a really concrete tool-set for understanding how disability or illness impacts on day to day routine. The internet at its absolute best.

I can totally see Azula understanding spoon (uh, weapon?) theory as well as she understands the Villain's Handbook.

I can definitely see Azula, once she’s confronted the very idea of having limitations, as setting out to conquer them just as deliberately and with the same degree of intelligence and cunning which she used to take down the Earth Kingdom. And also of course not having anything to do with something as plebeian as the humble spoon! (um, dagger-theory? Nah, too much of a reminder of Mai...)

Toph as assistive device, OMG!

OMG. Toph gets so much more confident herself, through the course of the series, at allowing herself to be helped – hanging onto Sokka when they’re on Appa, for instance – that I can see her being understanding – if not exactly compassionate – when it comes to Azula. As you cover in your initial post, actually.

Though – another thought. It’s not as though fire always comes along the ground, right? As Toph found out with Zuko. She actually is pretty vulnerable to Azula in battle. And neither of them react at all well to being vulnerable... MAN. Toph-Azula-teamwork: A TRICKY PROPOSITION. Though the thought of them working together, if they did manage to align their interests sufficiently: terrifying. Terrifyingly AWESOME.

deft and subtle and thought-provoking

Wow. Thanks SO MUCH for this, it means a lot. I mean, your Halloween piece is fantastic, and obviously I think your blog essays are great, so, yes, thank you.

Especially, also, as I try and be thoughtful and responsible about writing disability of whatever kind – but ... I’m basically almost entirely ignorant?

I mean, I’ve only once tried writing Azula’s POV, and I think I did a pretty bad job of it (it was also like my second piece of fic: WTF, self!??! Hubris much?). She’s so fascinating, but I only really feel equipped to approach her peripherally – hence all the Azula-Ursa pieces. I rely way too much on smoke and mirrors in my Azula bits.

Tera, if you have just finished watching a series for the first time, and you've never been involved in fandom before, you should be interested in Less Complicated Things.

Heh. Yeaaah, I feel your pain! I mean, I watched the series at the start of the summer and then sorta tiptoed around the fandom for a while alternating between being enthused and horrified, so I guess I didn’t jump straight in to quite the same extent. But then, the fic on my DW is pretty much my first prose fiction since I was made to write it in school, so – LEARNING CURVE, man.

But, well, Complicated Things are interesting, no use denying it!

In five years when this is ready (among other things, I need to read, like, a zillion books plus other non-book stuff), maybe I could ask you to beta it?

Wow. I am again honoured! And, I mean, circumstances permitting, definitely. Not that I know anything about the precise mechanics of beta-ing or whatever, but a really well thought-through Azula story ... well, AWESOME.

I think it’s so great that they showed her not being able to wrap the guys at that party round her little finger, because it would have been so easy to make her the familiar manipulative female who can translate political power-playing into successful flirting.

I have actually been having vague thoughts about the disparity between how incredibly good Azula is at manipulating people when it comes to power, fear, or a specific thing she knows they want, and how incredibly bad at it she is when those aren't in the picture, and why it's the wedge between the two that eventually tips her into mental illness.

Because in some ways, she's too socially inept to be a good sociopath! *g* I mean, true sociopaths can seem utterly charming and adorable and have everyone convinced that they're the real woobie -- Azula never looks like anything other than what she is, and she never really bothers to try to seem like a nice person.

(Whether there's a smidge of neuroatypical stuff in the mix to begin with, or whether it's purely that growing up in that family means you get really fucked-up socialization -- and she never has the mitigating bond with Ursa and Iroh that Zuko gets -- I don't know.)

But she thinks she's a "people person." She thinks that power/fear/goal manipulation is all there is to it.

And that's why Mai's betrayal (and Ty Lee's) starts things cracking, because apparently there's this whole other emotional factor that's turned out to be hugely important and that she can't understand or predict or cope with.

And once she knows that's there -- anyone could betray you. Anyone could be plotting, anyone could be motivated by things you can't understand or control. So everyone/everything is a danger to her.

And that paranoia's already kicking in when her father starts changing the rules on her, too ("You can't treat me like Zuko!"), and okay, he's giving with one hand, but taking away with the other, and she has to be perfect and she can feel herself slipping --

And then Katara defeats her and that cannot happen, that cannot have happened, somehow she's ended up in the wrong reality and all she can do is scream and scream as if she can somehow tear herself out of this world into the reality she's supposed to have.

Ahem. Not that I am bringing my recentish experiences with mental illness to this or anything. *coughs*

Oh, man! This articulates a lot of what I’ve been wondering about wrt Azula: fantastic.

she's too socially inept to be a good sociopath

Yes, she really, really isn’t a Talented Mr (or Ms) Ripley, is she. Although I think a lot of this might come from the fact that she’s royalty, as well: I mean, it’s ok to abase yourself when you’re in a specific disguise on a specific mission bringing down a city ... but when you’re just trying to conquer a party because conquering is what you do, there’s not nearly enough reason to even try to lower yourself to anyone’s level.

Incidentally, I’ve always seen the whole going incognito thing as a competition in itself – she knows, of course, that Zuko managed it in the Earth Kingdom without the help of face paint, and she wants to prove she’s no less capable.

(Whether there's a smidge of neuroatypical stuff in the mix to begin with, or whether it's purely that growing up in that family means you get really fucked-up socialization -- and she never has the mitigating bond with Ursa and Iroh that Zuko gets -- I don't know.)

To be honest, I think they left it deliberately open to question? Well, at least, I’m willing to give the Avatar writers a lot of credit in general, and I don’t have the problems with Azula’s final breakdown that some do (in terms of seeing it as a woman cracking up when given power – which, no, almost the opposite?). I mean, she’s obviously already very much damaged at age seven or so in Zuko’s flashback episode, but as I say above I’m very very far from having the knowledge to say whether that means neuroatypicality of whatever sort from the outset or just, as you say, the Fire Nation Royal brand of socialization.

this whole other emotional factor that's turned out to be hugely important and that she can't understand or predict or cope with.

Absolutely. I mean, Azula understands power and fear. Not love. I wonder, indeed, if she set out to understand these things in part because, as a small child, she realised that her mother feared her. And that this gave her power.

And, of course, with Ursa, and later Zuko and Iroh (who would surely both have been moderating influences of a sort, although Iroh seems to have had entirely the wrong idea about his little niece – I mean, a doll? Really?) out of the picture ... yeah. Just straight flat out for perfection through power and fear and dominance.

But that final scene with her chained to the grate hurt to watch.

It’s actually right up there as one of my most disturbing TV-watching experiences. And, I mean, that’s probably largely a matter of context, because I watch all manner of horrifying stuff, but I didn’t expect a kid’s show to hit this hard. Plus, of course the animation and voice acting were both absolutely first rate at the end there. But I can't even begin to imagine how that scene would read with a personal experience of mental illness in the background. As you say, painful.

And, yes, I think the arc you’ve mapped out makes complete sense and that the show did a pretty great job with it, rushed and scattered as it was in parts. Just such a fascinating character.

But she thinks she's a "people person." She thinks that power/fear/goal manipulation is all there is to it.

And that's why Mai's betrayal (and Ty Lee's) starts things cracking, because apparently there's this whole other emotional factor that's turned out to be hugely important and that she can't understand or predict or cope with.

YES. And the betrayal proves that Mai and Ty Lee have this emotional connection with each other, and have probably had it for as long as she's known them. They didn't just betray her at the Boiling Rock--they betrayed her AS CHILDREN and she has miscalculated her whole relationship with them.

She wants to understand this factor, wants this power that they've all got--Mai and Ty Lee and even Zuko--and so her mother (who had it, too, with Zuko) comes and says: "I love you, Azula," echoing Mai almost perfectly. And here is a power she wants, wants so, so much but fear is the only reliable way and what choice does she have?

But she tries to use this power the only way she can, because Zuko and Katara have this SAME THING and if Katara is dead Zuko will be destroyed. But this thing is more powerful than her lightning and Zuko redirects them BOTH. But unlike lightning, redirection makes it multiply and Katara uses it to save Zuko as he has saved Katara, and then it's a shield of water to deflect her rage. And to see them--see Zuko--wield this thing so expertly that she can only think of in Mai's words, her mother's voice, that she has handled even worse than Zuko his shitty puffs of flame at the meeting with Grandfather, she--

She is writhing and screaming and spitting fire and Katara looks back at her and hits her with this terrible, wonderful power AGAIN.

They didn't just betray her at the Boiling Rock--they betrayed her AS CHILDREN and she has miscalculated her whole relationship with them.

Oh, man, yes. And the fact that Mai articulates it in terms Azula can, despite herself, understand - as a matter of calculation, of weighing up the options and making an informed decision - must just add insult to injury. Because Azula is the best, the best, at making decisions like that. But this one is informed by love, and that's a factor she doesn't know how to weigh.

And ... I realised I was just about to quote your entire last paragraph? But, yes, you're so right: aiming for Katara is entirely an attempt to use this power. But while, when she used it to manipulate Zuko under Ba Sing Se or Sokka on the Day of Black Sun ('my favourite prisoner'), she was triangulating her target from the outside in, here she doesn't have the luxury of that detachment. She's smashed the glass between herself and that part of the world, she's let her mother come back in. But she has no idea how to handle it, no idea at all. And she ends up not so much through the looking glass as caught in it, trapped in Katara's ice.

But, yes, you're so right: aiming for Katara is entirely an attempt to use this power.

*nods a lot*

I hadn't clicked on that, but it's completely right. And it's the only way she can understand that power -- she gets "X cares about Y", but she can only comprehend it as a way to hurt or bribe someone -- e.g. with Sokka, or by setting up Zuko and Mai. She can only see it as weakening people, making them stupid and easy to manipulate.

Oh, good point re the comic - I'd forgotten about that (though, as you can see, I have a deep fondness for fish-on-head Zuko).

And the way her perfect-party-planning skills are straight out of a schmoopy romance novel is also telling - she's playing it entirely by the book, because she sees this kind of thing from the outside. Though she does know Mai wouldn't appreciate a pink tablecloth!

Slightly stalkery internet confession! I’ve only had time to read a few pieces on your wordpress blog (I want to take them in properly), but everything I’ve read, especially your meditations on the condition of lostness in your latest two posts, has just been so eloquent in general and adroit at communicating the everyday dimensions of your disability: very deeply revealing and perspective-broadening for me, as someone who functions relatively ‘normally’. Not to mention moving and thought-provoking.

Oh, thank you! Though now that you are a fan of the lostness series, I'd better...actually write it? Eep! :D

Though – another thought. It’s not as though fire always comes along the ground, right? As Toph found out with Zuko. She actually is pretty vulnerable to Azula in battle.

Indeed--not least of all because Azula can spend a lot of time in the air. Sadly, as much as I love Toph, she is definitely outmatched when it comes to facing Azula in battle. But she does hold her own pretty well, in the underground throne room.

And neither of them react at all well to being vulnerable... MAN.

Oh, MAN, yes.

Because Toph is eating dinner by the blackened corpse of the fire they have made (that she has made), and she is not because assassins are everywhere--poison poison poison--so she watches and waits for her weakness, as she has done since she first saw those empty, empty eyes.

But it is not like that day at all, nor like the Day of Black Sun in the throne room. When she chokes, coughs,(poison poison POISON) her own throat tightens. And even though the fool spits a tangle of noodles and strings of vomit into the dirt, it is too late, too late, because she

(is Uncle and Mother and Mai and Ty Lee and Father worst of all, because she can give and take away)

is watching--studying--someone who's bonds she has broken without any firebending because she is hungry and there are assassins EVERYWHERE and the blind Earthbender can sit and slurp and belch because they are not for her. And there is nothing, nothing, nothing she can do, not shout or cry or scream

(Azula! Silence yourself!)

because a warrior princess does not do these things, does not need a blind little girl. But she does need to do something or she will be chained to the grate again; she blinks away tears that have not fallen and allows herself to shiver, just a little, so that the blind girl will not see.

And what the flying bison FUCK is this trembling that leads her through long tunnels that criss-cross and circle back, back to her parents, and why isn't Sokka here so she can tell him that they all look perfect in his painting? Her blindness is hers and she controls the discourse about it.

And this (trembling) FUCKING person took this control from her in the underground throne room during the eclipse ("Since you can't see, I should tell you I'm rolling my eyes,") and that is not enough, it is never enough for Azula and she's taking it from her again now, and fuck, fuck, fuck what would Katara do? She would tell her to stop thinking "fuck" so much and to get the FUCK away from the person who killed her husband--your student--that one time.

But she can't get away, because there is trembling and she is a rock--a rock MONSTER in a metal suit--and she would never run toward or away; she would only be the rock that she trained the Avatar to be and not a supported lotus and she would pick her feet and walk away and make her earth-tent only when she was ready, as if she had just decided it, and leave her bowl and not know why. Nor does she know that this is the best and the worst thing she could have done.

And they would go around and around like that, and they would know each other's habits and weaknesses and knock into each other's raw places over and over again.

But then Azula will learn that when Toph holds a sheet of paper and waves her other hand in front of her face, it is not only funny ("You can't read--heh"), it is a kind of power. So she will try it on for size ( Silence. "That'll be what it'll sound like when you spot it"), but Toph knows what she's doing there and says: "No. It'll sound like 'oof!'" And Azula will laugh in her short way, but she will not have expected this disarming, and she will wonder more and more at this power that only works when Toph uses it. It's backwards and upside-down.

And THAT. IS. IT.

This power goes up from the bottom, like a kick to the face. A princess doesn't need it, but a crazy woman does, especially when she and her blind enemy could be captured at any time. So she studies it, as she has studied firebending and military strategy and the down-from-the-top power, and doors will open, and the butting up against sore places will be so much less, and they will stop whacking each other over the head with their vast knowledge of each other--each other's dependence-- because this power goes UP, not down.

And here, finally, finally, is where the interdependence happens (they have this knowledge of each other, after all), and the ass-kicking can begin.

Please let me know if there's anything I can do to cheerlead. I, um, have a certain amount of experience when it comes to writing epic fucked-up stories about crazy damaged people learning to work together.

OMFG, me, too! (*squee!*). But I will have to WRITE it...and, *terror!* because:

I realize now it'll have to be, like, TRILOGY epic. The interdependence, teamwork, cunning plans and ass-kicking will need a whole book, because they will have earned it, and it would be wrong to give them less. Which means:

The threat will have to be complex and major enough for them to take a whole book to fight off properly. And the threat has to be worthy of them. It has to be more complex than "OMG, evil guy/girl/organization!" (And I have no clue what the threat even IS yet--eep!)

And Azula has to single-handedly (with the help of unwitting suckers with no clue what's going on) escape from an institution that's probably on its own ISLAND. And the escape has to be believable and awesome and worthy of her.

And also, more on lostness, yes please (I have a real thing for meditations on city/mental topographies of any kind), but, wow, this is fantastic - I love the way they bleed in and out of each other, the way Toph takes control of the text when she feels the trembling that Azula allows herself to believe she has concealed; the way Toph, who knows so much about staying on the ground, being a rock and not a lotus, nevertheless teaches Azula to ground her power but to turn it back upwards, as well.

Because Azula recognises power, even when it's upside down.

she would only be the rock that she trained the Avatar to be and not a supported lotus

Yeah, can you tell what my favourite line is? (though, man, so much good stuff). I think also because it reads, a little bit, like not just a rejection of her parents' cosseting but also of the old-man politicking of the Order of the White Lotus - and perhaps even of Aang, a tiny bit, given the significance of the lotus in Buddhist iconography (not, obviously, that Aang is anything other than a fantasy!Buddhist): Toph is just the very very opposite of detached.

And you have Azula laugh! I love the way you have the sections in parentheses start off as acknowledgements of loss, of lack and confinement, move through this tentative realisation of what kind of bottom-top power it is that Toph is wielding, and end with uneasy equilibrium - (they have this knowledge of each other, after all).

Just fantastic, and now I really see why you thought they'd work so very well together. So, yeah, let me know if I can do anything to help this happen! I mean, other than flailing happily. Because this, this is the good stuff.

This'll seem really odd, getting all analytical about something I wrote. But as I was feeling that scene out, I tried things that Just Did Not Work, and your comment hits on several of them. Also, there are things I totally didn't pick up on at the time...like that Toph's first thought is of Appa, who makes her feel vulnerable (because he flies), but whom she loves and was unable to save. (How did I not know this when I was writing it?) Your comment hits on some of those, too :D.

I love the way they bleed in and out of each other

I struggled with how to do that--I kept thinking Toph had to go back and refer to stuff that had already happened (choking, for instance), but it wrecked the flow. At that point there's a weird enmeshment between them, both of them know it's there (although Toph understands the threat of it better--she's experienced enmeshment before), and they're both trying to get out of it and can't.

And the enmeshment is basically...Azula's fault? Because I can see her executing this totally awesome escape, planned and set up over a period of years (including fake escapes), with details combed over obsessively (she knows she miscalculates, but doesn't quite know in what way, or it could just be a form her perfectionism has taken). She pulls it off, but totally forgot to plan what to do after that...or even to think of what she wants to do now that she's out.

Maybe she entertains a plan that's basically "bust into the palace and kill Zuko and be Fire Lord." Then she remembers that both her "kill Zuko" plans have failed, especially when there was a woman with him. And she cannot jeopardize this escape.

But all these details are flooding in. She used to be able to prioritize them (see the plan for winning the volleyball game at the beach), but that cognitive filter is gone. So all these details are Important and thus, Dangerous. Which is nothing new, but she has no direction now.

Here comes somebody she knows--somebody who is weak and has never beaten her at anything, ever. This person makes her feel 14 again, and powerful. So she decides to track her, and Toph quickly becomes the filter. (She is very good at responding to threats, after all).

And Azula will screw up royally here, because she'll think of Toph as a tool instead of a person. While an assistive device can only break or get lost, an assistant person holds power over you, even when they don't realize it. They can choose not to assist you, or they can not be where you expect them since they are out drinking because you are following them everywhere. And then your assistant is drunk.

(And the poor drunk assistant, expecting death or a fight at least, gets a "Do you know how long it took you to get here?" lecture. She won't remember the lecture later, but she will remember the string between you, and be terrified).

At this point, Toph Can Never Leave. (But the fandom will, I'm sure). Which gets rid of a lot of problems for me. They can even have different threats, especially if Azula's is a return to 24-hr supervision. Awesome.

I think also because it reads, a little bit, like not just a rejection of her parents' cosseting but also of the old-man politicking of the Order of the White Lotus - and perhaps even of Aang, a tiny bit, given the significance of the lotus in Buddhist iconography (not, obviously, that Aang is anything other than a fantasy!Buddhist): Toph is just the very very opposite of detached.

When I wrote the "supported lotus" line, I was aware that Toph was rejecting her parents and also thinking of her very identity. It's unclear in this little bit, but all Toph's roles are screwed up right now: the only person with her is her enemy, whom she sort of wants to help (!!!), and who makes her feel like she's with her parents one moment and that she IS her parents the next (!!!).

But you're right--she totally is rejecting Aang here. For one thing, he can be her student or Katara's husband or the Avatar, but if he is Aang the Air Nomad then he brings back a TON of vulnerability. (He took her belt at the wrestling match, and literally did bring her back to her parents). She may also be continuing subconsciously in the "What would Katara do?" vein--thinking of parental or helpful people she knows to try to model them. In which case, the line is also a rejection of Iroh specifically: his way would require her to SAY something (!!!) And yes, it is a rejection of detachment, too, I think--not least of all because of the enmeshment that Toph can't detach from, no matter how much she wants to.

I also wonder how much of the strength of Toph's voice comes from her upside-down power--or at least, her ability to take her power back. Would Azula be able to take the mike back as well as Toph can, at least early on? (Of course, it could just be that I write Toph better). I'll have to think about it and play with it some more.

And you have Azula laugh!

The funny thing is, I'm not sure what Azula's laugh would sound like. She points and laughs when she pushes Ty Lee down in Zuko's memory, but you don't hear it. And one of the few times she genuinely laughs--when Zuko calls Ty Lee a circus freak--it sounds like her fake laugh with Chan. I wonder if she tells jokes about as well as she flirts, which would be part of this emotional stuff that she doesn't get. Because in "Appa'a Lost Days," she says that the Kyoshi Warriors are "the Avatar's fan girls," which is terrible. What makes it even more out of place is that Ty Lee steps in and says: "Oh, good one, Azula!" even though if it really was good, she would have laughed. So maybe Ty Lee does this social coaching thing fairly regularly?

And Azula seems to understand Zuko especially well? Not only does she laugh at something he says, but I think her most successful attempt at a joke is at his expense (when she puts her hand over her left eye and asks Aang if he sees the family resemblance), and she does, as you said at your place, know where to find him when he leaves the party. Which is not as strange as it seems, since he is pretty close to her in age and rank and she has power over him.