reasons for how and who you are (for perzine?)

i am not sure if it is overanalyzing or if they are actually the underlying reasons (just like freud and jeung anf other known psychologists of their time theorized) of how we came to be how and who we are right now.

i'll give you an example.

I have an obscured sexual identity. ha! I went from assexual. to straight. to bisexual. to lesbian. back to bisexual. and now, pansexual.

a few weeks back, i was talking to one of my friends when i just suddenly recalled some things that i thought might have triggered this...

my mom and dad told me they named me Denise losely after my Dad's younger brother. His name was Dennis and he died at a very young age (I think he was still a baby or something). My parents were supposed to name their first son that, but he died at birth. Then they were supposed to name the second one that too but my Mom miscarried. Then come the third baby (that's me). And NOTE THIS... i dont know if ultrasound technology really sucked back when i was born (in '89), but my parents thought they were going to have a boy. my mom said, until she finally gave birth to me, they weren't expecting a girl. Did I have a peepee sticking out when I was in my Mom's womb or what? LOL!

when i was in kinder, my female cousin and I were playing in her room. we were playing pretend. which turned into playing house. she says she will be the princess and i will be the prince (she has always been girlier than me. she like'd dolls. i play with anything. and i like playing tag and other games better.) so anyways, she watches a lot of tv shows unsupervised so she knows what happens between a man and a woman--or at least had an idea. she layed on top of me and pretended to kiss me--we didn't really, that would be extremely messed up.

another scenario: it was probably around 2nd grade. It was around then that I started hearing the term "crush" often. but i wasn't sure what it was about. so I asked my mom. She said it's when you like or admire someone. I asked her if my (girl) best friend couls be my crush since she is talented and smart (she's my best friend, naturally, i do like her. and she is talented so I do admire her for that). She said, "Yes, why not.", probably because she didnt want to corrupt me. so anyways, come the next school day, a boy asked me who my crush was. my answer was simple. i said my best friend's name. he just laughed. i didnt know why. and i didnt realize why until the memory of the incident passed through my head just recently.

these are a few of the incidents that I have been attributing my sexual prefference to when I try to psychoanalyze myself--which I know I shouldn't do because that's just like a surgeon trying to operate on himself.

I mean these are not events that can explicitly affect me. Not like goign to an all girl's HS, where everyone just kinda like each other--but that's a differen't story that I should write about some other time.

tell me your thougts on this or if you have any story like it... it doesn't have to be on sexuality. anything that explains the way you act. like OCD, subculture you identify yourself into or whatever, really.

I'm thinking of making this into a zine. so tell me what you think. :)

ha! i'd be sure to announce if I ever do get to write about it. the idea has been lingering about for quite some time now, and everyday I'd remember a fragment of memory and try to piece it into how I became this way. i just feel like I need something more that will be worth the read.

Maybe it's just your surroundings. I live in the same part of the country as you, and I see the same stereotype on a daily basis. You are who you are and no one can change that. I have a story you might like, since it deals with the same situation. But it's not the kind of thing I'd publish.

Maybe it's just your surroundings. I live in the same part of the country as you, and I see the same stereotype on a daily basis. You are who you are and no one can change that. I have a story you might like, since it deals with the same situation. But it's not the kind of thing I'd publish.

well, heck yeah surroundings affect us for sure... but i guess what i'm driving at are those sublime events that you thought won't really affect you or that you have not exactly seen as something that played a key role in your life, but then when you look back, you just cant help but say, "Crap, i think that might have triggered it!" or something to that line...if you get what I am saying.