Motor Mouth: Here is my deep, dark automotive secret

Finally — and I really do mean finally — there’s a Fancy Dan technology worth its microchips. Indeed, so revolutionary, so mind-bogglingly necessary is this high-powered driver’s aid that I can finally admit to my greatest shame as an autojournalist, a secret I have been hiding from you, my associates and even my closest friends. I am deathly afraid, mortified in fact, that I have only once attempted to…

Reverse a trailer.

It feels so good to say it out loud, a huge load, as all couch-wielding pyschoanalysts would admonish, off my shoulders. No longer will I have to over-compensate by dragging my knee at 200 kilometres an hour on a 200-horsepower crotch rocket trying vainly to mask my shame. Likewise, bounding over hill and dale in a Land Rover, with the horizon at a mind-boggling 45 degrees to the windscreen as a slurry of mud and rushing water tries to break past the side windows’ rubber sealing, will be simply for the love of off-roading and not some vain attempt to exorcise my trailer-towing demons.

I owe this newfound psychological respite all to Volkswagen. With its new Passat, due in the next few months, comes a high-tech compendium of sensors and software that will reverse you — and your Airstream/boat trailer/rental U-haul — into the tightest of parking spaces, even those — to the everlasting wonderment of those of us spatially deficient — perpendicular to the present course of direction. Simply activate the Trailer Assist program, tap the MDI controller in the desired direction of reversal and quicker than you can say Oedipus Complex, the Passat will reverse you and that diabolical appendage to the rear into the tightest of parking spots.

Nor am I the only one suffering this debilitating fear. Around the world, sufferers formerly discomfited at the prospect of hauling their split-hull LiteHawk to the cottage or their CBR600RR to the racetrack can now tow with confidence. I predict that this technology will revolutionize the sedan segment, becoming so popular that other manufacturers will have to rush their own U-Haul utility to market. Stocks in Airstream and Coachman will skyrocket, dirt bike sales will rebound and even the horsey set, as hidebound and vainglorious as we motorcyclists, will breath a sigh of relief as their precious Hoof Hearted or Son of Secretariat won’t end as part of the stall instead of in it.

Contrast this with the utter failure that has been various self-parking automobiles that manufacturers have introduced in recent years. Lexus started the trend with its radar-guided LS way back in 2007, but Lexus insiders say that even those who did sign up for the option basically showed it off to all their friends and then never activated it again. It’s hardly a surprise: while most anyone will admit to a mortal fear of reversing a trailer — to this day, I am still struck with more awe watching a Sears tractor-trailer reversing up to a tight loading dock than I am of Tiger’s famous snaking chip shot at Augusta’s diabolical 16th — who in their right mind is going to admit not being capable to parallel park their car.

And not only are some of these high-tech fripperies useless, many are downright annoying. Seriously, who among us really appreciates having their steering wheel vibrate whenever they get within a few feet of a lane demarcation line. All alone on the highway with no other car within miles and the damned thing vibrates unless you unnecessarily flip the turn signal. Clip the apex of a tight hairpin just so and one again the steering wheel starts juddering, ruining your perfect Sebastian Vettel moment. The first thing I do upon entering any new, high-tech sedan is shut down the lane departure warning system.

Likewise, who among us is so weak of wrist to not be able to insert a key into ignition switch and — ohmygawd, the effort — twist. Besides the complete lack of utility, not having the key in the same place time after time — i.e. dangling there from the dashboard — means you’re constantly searching for the darn keys when you’re rushing to the meeting you’re always late to. Where is that damned thing? Is it in the cupholder? Which pocket did I unconsciously drop it into? Christ, I hope I didn’t leave the friggin’ thing at home. Having to insert said key into that ignition switch may be old fashioned, but at least you always know where it is.

Automakers have been struggling of late to match their ever-increasing computing power with innovations that actually serve a utilitarian purpose. So much of what the microchip has brought us of late — save perhaps the possibly overhyped revolution that is the self-driving car — to the automobile has been superfluous at best and totally useless too often.

That’s what makes Volkswagen’s new Trailer Assist so revolutionary. Not only does it serve a purpose long ignored by the automotive industry, but it salves a psychological trauma so scarring that, until this miracle of NAND and NOR gates arrived, I dared not speak its name. I am free at last. John 8:32 was right: The truth shall set you free. Or at least let you park your car.