Dear SFPD writers: We appreciate you and your creative writing

We’ve all been there. You’re asked to write something when you know hardly anyone is going to be reading it. You know the next step. Anyone with a smidge of creativity is going to spice things up a bit, add a little wit and humor.

So today we salute the San Francisco Police Station newsletters. It may seem like a thankless task to write them, but we’re reading. And we have bestowed awards:

Chronicle

Mission Station officers are unlikely to be fooled by “glib and convincing prevaricators.”

Creative use of a thesaurus — Mission Station. Perhaps encouraged by Captain Greg Corrales, who identifies himself as “Ace Reporter” and “Editor in Chief,” in the newsletter, the Mission Station is the unmatched master of the multi-syllabic incident report.

In the March 26 newsletter, for example, there is a reference to a fugitive who was “a very glib and convincing prevaricator.” However, “pursuant to their diligent investigation” officers “discovered the craven convict’s real identity.”

And then there was the March 13th incident, when officers encountered “a shameless scoundrel who was in the act of urinating on America. The bumptious brute violently resisted arrest.”

Best reason to change your hairstyle — Ingleside Station. An officer responded to a shooting call in which the victim said he’d been standing outside his home, smoking a cigarette, when “an unknown African American juvenile male . . . . approached him and shot him one time in the leg. The victim fell to the ground and the suspect said, ‘I thought you were someone else.'”

Best attempt to make chicken salad out of chicken feathers — Tenderloin Station. Officers responded to the Aldo Shoe Store after a burglar alarm went off. They found an open door, and a suspect, who had burglary tools in his possession. Thinking fast, “the suspect claimed to be working for the store, putting up signs.” Unfortunately, store personnel arrived and told officers that was not true. The suspect was arrested and booked.

Last, but not least:

Most forthright and candid response to an officer — Mission Station (again). Officers made a traffic stop, suspecting that the driver was inebriated. In the words of the report, they “asked the driver how much he’d had to drink. The driver replied, ‘Too much.’ Agreeing with the driver, they arrested him.”