A Letter to My Eating Disorder

This post is written by Emily Costa, Project HEAL's Blog ManagerDear Eating Disorder,

I have tried to break up with you countless times and somehow I end up back to you completely infatuated with the broken promises you offered me when I was in a fragile state. I know what you’re thinking; you are probably laughing right now thinking I am an idiot for even considering leaving you. But lets get a few things straight.

For once, instead of focusing on my flaws, let us focus on yours. Because you are the one who is manipulative, worthless, and a liar. For every time I try to leave you, you somehow come back to me with some lame excuse to hold on and I listen because I naively believe your lies. But it is time for me to get my life back, because I shouldn’t have lost myself in the first place. It has been time to leave you ever since we first met when I was a child. You made me hate myself. You made me feel guilty. You made me waste some of the most important years of my life. You made me lose people I loved. You broke my family, and most importantly you broke my heart. You told me everything would be okay if I stayed with you. That I would be happy, strong, and loved.

But you know what the best part is? While you sat there and called me fat and worthless, I foolishly believed we could still make those things happen. But I’ve learned the hard way happiness is an inside job. Striving for thinness is absolute bullshit. Do you know what strong is? Choosing to leave you and allowing myself to obtain inner peace, health and happiness. Me fighting against you is what makes me strong and worthy. I have immense strength because I’m leaving your worthless ass.

You told me my worth was dependent by the number read on the scale. That my worth was measured by the amount of calories I put into my body as if it were a sin. But how ridiculous does that sound? No matter what or how much I eat and weigh will ever prove how great of a daughter, sister or friend I am. I am slowly realizing I am beautiful inside and out. The ugly part of me has always been you.

I am now at a point where I am done trying to change who I am, what I look like or what I feel. You have promised me I would feel in control but you made my life unmanageable. The only thing left to change is the thoughts you drilled into my mind. I am sick of living a life full of shame and disgust.

So, I am done. Quite frankly, we are done. I want you and your bullshit to move out of my apartment, my house and my mind. I want you to return my keys, my clarity, happiness and my heart. Don’t call me, don’t text me. Don’t write me. You are toxic and a waste of my precious life. You became the dark cloud hovering over my life for almost a decade and now so its time for me to find the light. You disgust me and I wish we never met but we did and this is goodbye for good.