This article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC. Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.

There are 27 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.

Do you have trouble accepting yourself when you make mistakes? Do you find it hard to learn from your mistakes, so that you keep falling into the same old habits? It can be challenging to accept that we've made mistakes, especially if we're coming from a perfectionistic background where "excellence" is confused with "never making a mistake." Making a mistake is also sometimes different from failure; failure is a result of not succeeding at a conscious effort, but mistakes can be unconscious. Fortunately, there are steps you can take to be more accepting of your mistakes, and there are also techniques you can use to make the most of your mistakes.

Steps

Part 1

Accepting Your Mistakes

1

Give yourself permission to mess up. There are many reasons you should give yourself permission to make mistakes. Making mistakes is inevitable and part of being human. It’s also a valuable source of instruction and will enrich your life. It can teach you to try new things and expand your horizons.[1]

For example, you may want to learn how to cook. Starting out, say to yourself “I’m new at this cooking stuff and I’ll probably make mistakes. That’s okay. It’s all part of the process.”

Sometimes, the fear of making mistakes -- perfectionism -- can keep you from trying new things or completing projects because you’re so afraid of not doing well that you can’t bring yourself to act. Don’t let this happen to you.

2

Acknowledge the force of habit. Sometimes, mistakes are not caused by an effort on our part, but the lack of it. We can’t exert maximum effort every single day in every element of our lives. Things that we do frequently, such as driving to work or making breakfast, can become so habitual that we don’t focus on them. This is actually helpful, because it allows us to spend energy on other things that require more attention. However, sometimes this force of habit can lead us into making mistakes. Acknowledge that this is part of being a human with finite energy and attention resources.

For example, perhaps you drive the same way to work every day, 5 days a week. On the weekend, you are supposed to drive your kid to soccer practice, but you realize you’ve gone on “autopilot” and have started driving to work instead. This is a natural mistake, the result of habit. Beating yourself up for this mistake is unhelpful. Instead, acknowledge your slip-up and move on.

Studies suggest that you may be able to compensate for mistakes made on autopilot, even when you aren’t aware of them consciously. Studies conducted with skilled typists suggest that you slow down when you make a mistake typing, even if you are not consciously aware of doing so[2].

Studies also suggest that about 47% of the time, people are “checked out”, or allowing their minds to wander from the task at hand. This is often when mistakes happen. If you find that you’re frequently making mistakes due to “mind wandering,” consider trying some mindfulness exercises to bring your attention back to the present moment.[3]

3

Distinguish between errors of commission and errors of omission. Mistakes aren’t always the result of some effort you’ve made. Sometimes, you can make a mistake by not doing something, too. Laws generally distinguish between commission (doing something that shouldn’t have been done) and omission (not doing something that should have been done), with commission usually being seen as more severe.[4] Errors of omission are usually more common than errors of commission.[5]

Errors of omission can still have an effect on your life, however. For example, if your company does not keep up with the latest developments in technology, it could impact your financial future.[6]

It’s important to acknowledge both types of mistakes, because you can learn from both of them. Some people try to avoid errors of commission by doing as little as possible and taking no responsibility, but this doesn’t keep you from errors of omission, and it’s also not a very helpful way to live or grow.[7]

4

Distinguish between mistakes and bad decisions. It’s important to know the difference between mistakes and bad decisions. Mistakes are simple errors, like reading a map wrong and taking the wrong exit. Bad decisions are more intentional, like taking the scenic route to a meeting and inconveniencing the other person by being late. Mistakes are understandable and may require less focus on correcting. You should accept bad decisions just like mistakes, but it pays to pay more attention to them.[8]

5

Focus on your strengths as well. It’s important to avoid getting bogged down in what you’re doing wrong. Try to balance self-criticism with celebrating what you do well.[9] This can be celebrating things you’re already good at or celebrating areas where you’re seeing improvement. There’s no point trying to improve if you can’t appreciate the result of your efforts.

You may be new to cooking, but perhaps there's something that clicks instantly with you. Maybe you can tell just what spice a recipe needs simply by tasting. Give yourself credit for these strengths.

6

View mistakes as an opportunity. There are mechanisms in the brain that help us detect when we do something wrong. The brain signals to us when we make an error. This can be really helpful during the learning process. Making mistakes can help us focus more closely on what we’re doing and try to do our absolute best.[10]

Research even suggests that some experts, like doctors, can fail to correct mistakes because they trust their own judgment too much. There are benefits to being open to mistakes and viewing them as an opportunity, even after you’ve become really good at something.[11]

7

Look at how long it takes to become an expert. Research suggests that it can take ten years of experimenting with a skill and making mistakes to become truly good at it. This is true for everyone from the composer Mozart to the basketball player Kobe Bryant.[12] Go easy on yourself if at first you don’t succeed, because that’s normal. It takes a lot of effort over a long period of time to achieve greatness at something.

8

Reframe decisions as experiments. Part of the problem with not allowing yourself to make mistakes is thinking that you have to make the perfect decision every time. Instead of this unrealistic goal, try to reframe your decisions as experiments instead. An experiment may have good or bad consequences. You can still do your best to achieve good consequences, of course, but this will take some of the pressure off.[13]

For example, with cooking, approach recipes with an experimental attitude. Avoid expecting the perfect dish. Instead, see it as an opportunity to experiment and learn more about the whole cooking process. This will help you avoid judging yourself for messing up, which you undoubtedly will at some point.

9

Discover how the brain deals with mistakes. The brain actually has specific nerve cells that help us watch our performance, detect mistakes, and then learn from what we did wrong.[14] The brain also has difficulty accepting that it has made an error, however. The brain can reframe an experience into something positive in order to avoid accepting that it has made a mistake. If you have difficulty recognizing and accepting your mistakes, this is probably why.[15] Understanding how your brain deals with mistakes can help you be more aware of your own experience.

Your brain has essentially two responses to mistakes: problem-solving mode (“Why did this happen? How can I make it not happen again?”) and shut-down mode (“I’m going to ignore this mistake”). The problem-solving mode, unsurprisingly, helps you learn from your mistakes and correct them in the future. It is commonly seen in people who believe intelligence is flexible, and that everyone is capable of development. The shut-down mode is often seen when you believe that your intelligence is “fixed”: you’re either good or bad at something, and that’s that. This type of thinking keeps you from learning and growing.[16]

10

Understand how society views mistakes. We live in a society that's afraid of making mistakes.[17] We grow up being encouraged to make as few mistakes as possible.[18] People who manage to get ahead are those who take this seriously. Do well in high school and you’ll get scholarships to university. Do well in university and you’ll graduate with a high GPA and honors. There’s little room for messing up. So if you have a hard time accepting your mistakes at first, go easy on yourself, because it’s not all your fault. You’ve probably been taught to be hard on yourself.

Remind yourself that the belief that you must never make a mistake is flawed. Mistakes are the only way we learn; if you don’t make (many) mistakes, it’s because you already know something inside out and backwards. If you want to learn and grow, mistakes are part of the package.

Remind yourself that perfectionism holds you and others to unreasonable standards. Making a mistake does not make you “a failure” or negate your efforts. Relax your standards to allow room for mistakes -- it’s a more helpful, more effective way to pursue excellence.[19]

Part 2

Learning from Your Mistakes

1

Correct your mistakes. Mistakes can help you learn, but only if you make sure they are corrected.[20] For example, if you use the wrong ingredient while cooking, be sure to ask your mother or a knowledgeable person about the correct way to use the ingredient, so that you can revise the information in your memory.

2

Keep a journal of your mistakes and successes. It can be helpful to write down when, where, and how you’re making mistakes in your life. This will create additional awareness of your patterns, which may be difficult to notice in the heat of the moment. Carry a small pocket journal around with you and make note of times that you did something wrong. Review the entries later when you have free time, and explore options for what you could have done differently.[21]

For example, if you’re working on a new recipe and things keep going poorly, make a note of where you're messing up. Think about it later that evening and see if you can come up with ways to prepare the dish differently.

You should also keep track of your successes. You will be more motivated to continue learning despite making mistakes if you can track your progress over time and celebrate what you’re good at. A solely negative focus is unhelpful.

3

Focus on “get-better” goals rather than “be-good” goals. “Be-good” goals set unrealistic expectations for yourself, especially if you’re just starting out with an activity. If you set “be-good” goals, you are raising the stakes and telling yourself that you need to succeed in order to be a good person. “Get-better” goals, on the other hand, are all about improvement. With these goals, you don’t need ridiculously high achievements in order to feel good about yourself. You’re aiming for improvement, not perfection.[22]

For example, focus on the “get-better” goal of learning how different spices affect the taste of food, rather than the “be-good” goal of being a master chef right off the bat.

4

Engage in deliberate practice. Time isn’t the only ingredient necessary to learn from your mistakes. You will also benefit from going forward with a specific purpose. This is why it’s important that you locate your mistakes and the reasons behind them. Being aware of what you’re doing wrong, and why, will help you create a plan to practice and increase your competence.[23]

For example, if you’re trying to perfect a basic cooking skill like boiling pasta, do it over and over until you get the timing right. It may take a while to get the desired softness of the pasta, but the more you practice, the closer you will get.

5

Ask for help. There’s no shame in asking for help with something you haven’t gotten the hang of yet. Putting your ego aside and learning from someone who has more experience than you is a great way to improve, especially if you find yourself in a rut and don’t know how to proceed.[24]

For example, ask a chef at your favorite restaurant or a family member with a lot of cooking experience if you are having trouble with a cooking basic.

6

Believe in your abilities. Research suggests that people who believe they can learn from mistakes are actually more likely to learn from mistakes. Knowing that it’s possible for you to learn from mistakes is a good step toward actually doing it.[25]

After a mistake such as burning a dish, tell yourself “I can learn from this. It’s possible to use this experience. Now I know to use a lower oven temperature.”

7

Know that reasons are not the same as excuses. We’re told not to make excuses for our mistakes, but that’s different from knowing about the reasons for our mistakes.[26] If a meal you are cooking doesn’t come out right, it’s okay to recognize the fact that you made a mistake such as not following the recipe closely enough or reaching for the salt instead of sugar. That’s a reason, not an excuse. Searching for the reasons behind your mistakes can help you do better in the future, because it will show you where you went wrong. Some more reasons to look out for:

Being late to events because of not getting up early enough.

Getting written up for messing up a project because you didn’t ask for clarification.

Failing a test because you neglected to study, or didn’t prioritize your studying well.

8

Give yourself time. Sometimes all it takes to learn from a mistake is one pass. This isn’t always the case, however. Many times, in order to learn from a mistake, we have to make it several times over. It can be difficult to catch on at first, so give yourself leeway to make the same mistake a few times before getting frustrated.[27]

The key to being a good orator on stage is to consider the audience in front of you as less intelligent than you are. If you think of them as better than you, then you are likely to commit mistakes. Be confident in what you say so that even if you make a mistake, the audience has to think about it before pointing it out.

Whenever I make a mistake, my family always taunts me for being a failure. What should I do?

Community Answer

Do not listen. You are anything but a failure and everyone has a part in this world. Accept and learn from your mistakes. After all, nobody is perfect. Talk to your family about how they're making you feel, and ask them to stop. If they refuse, ignore them and talk to someone else about your feelings, like a good friend, teacher, counselor, etc.

To accept mistakes and learn from them, you first need to tell yourself that it’s okay to mess up. Try and remember that we all make mistakes, especially when we’re trying new things. Instead of focusing on what you do wrong, think about what you do well. For example, maybe you didn’t cook the perfect dish but you were able to tell exactly what spice it needed just from tasting it. To learn from your mistakes, you should make an effort to correct them or figure out what to do differently next time. Keeping a journal of mistakes and successes can help you do that! For more advice from our co-author, including how to differentiate between a mistake and a bad decision, scroll down.

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Article Info

This article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC. Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.