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Bored Invents

To win the Ashes, of course. This is all part of a great plan: Bowl the Aussie bowlers into the ground, so far into the ground that they will reappear in China. And you know what happens to illegal immigrants there. So basically, England will bat and bat and bat and then some more, which of course means Australia will have to bowl and bowl and bowl and then some more, which of course means, whatever.

They will play responsibly, career, average and skin cleansing innings. They will come out looking much better, literally so. So what if it’s a draw, in the greater scheme of things, it’ll all end well. Fin.