My mother would say: “Beggars can’t be choosers.”, but clearly that doesn’t apply to me.

Last night at dinner, Danny and I were going over my options: the upcoming interview or two, the awaited response from the last interview, and a few options that I wasn’t sure about a few weeks ago and I’m still not convinced they’re worthwhile.

Dan: I know one of these options is going to work out for you. I know you’re going to find something soon. But if these things don’t work out, you’re sort of in the position to blow things wide open, right? Just find anything at all.

I hear where he’s coming from. I know it’s not a faithless place. Like anyone who loves someone else, he has more distinct memories of what causes me pain. He remembers the hopeless dejectedness that washes over me sometimes and wins for a while.

Only I didn’t agree. Actually, I’ve tried that already. I’ve tried to apply to “just anything” and the few times I’ve actually completed the process, I haven’t heard anything. Or I have sabotaged myself in some way. Take, for example, the early childhood center that was looking for “Part-time teachers”. I went in for the interview, spoke with both directors, and did a wonderful job articulating my strengths, dedication, and experience. I was beyond qualified for the position as it required only an associates in early childhood. I have experience as an assistant preschool teacher, one year of teaching and classroom experience with elementary-aged children, and several childcare references with children in that age group. They expressed that they were impressed with my background and thought I would be a great fit… did I have any questions for them???

AM: Yes, actually. I was wondering what the job description was for a “part-time teacher” here.
THEM: Well, we have three lead teachers that have different and over-lapping shifts during the day as well as an assistant, but during 12-6 it is necessary to have someone else in the room. You would be floating from room to room.
AM: For quota purposes.
THEM: Well, it’s more than quota, we want to make sure each child is able to get plenty of attention. You would be working with 6-18 mo. olds.

(Internal dialogue: Oh man. Babies? Babies are great but I didn’t go through all of this to be a warm body… to change diapers. My passion is teaching.)

AM: Thank you for clarifying that for me. That would definitely be something I would have to consider were I offered the position. I have worked as an assistant and I feel that with my experience and education I have a need for autonomy. I’m ready to be a leader in the classroom and I’m not sure that a position like that could provide job satisfaction for me.

Naturally, I never got a call back. I essentially told them I didn’t want one. I am actually mentally unable to take “just anything” at this point in my life.

I really don’t think this is a pride thing. I’ve worked that I was over-qualified for and been happy in them. This is about my need to live out my potential. All this time as a student I’ve heard about my great potential to make a difference, to change things, to encourage others to greatness. I believe it too. I know that I can change the way a student feels about himself as a learner – I’ve seen it happen. I’ve tasted just enough of that to know that I can do that full time. Give me the most forsaken and I won’t stop until they are taking pride in the result of their own hard work and achievements.

AM: Baby… I think I’m past the point of taking just anything. I have to believe that God will provide the right opportunity. He didn’t build all this up in me and not have a plan to use it. But I can’t… just take anything.