While on the way to work today I saw an old women, planting Bougainvillea at her gardens and that's remind me of my grandmother, she loves gardening, she got from Hibiscus flower to rose, she got beautiful carnations and orchids. She always tell me that gardening is a good treat to the soul ...

If I could time travel, I would like to go through one more time with my grandmother, I want to spend some time with her and learn about gardening, plants and so on. I still remember how furious and determined my grandmother was and I was not exactly a good girl when I was young, I was stubborn, hot headed, I was rebellious and I was mischievous as well.

I was a children one upon a time, I have no worries, no commitment, no stress but I remember I start having dreams at a very young age. Sometimes my dreams sound ridiculous at that time, I used to think that this world was at the end was a very old man that holding this earth, and the world will end one day when the "old man" died because he carries so many burden in his shoulder.

I use to think the world is round and I use to believe if we swim far enough towards at the end of the sea, we will see the other part of world.

(Let's me take you to time travel with me and I'll shared with you my stories)

Honestly, I did not born in this world cute and as adorable as anyone else, I actually dark like Native American children, with short hair like a boy and skinny as hell. It's not like I didn't eat, I just have very higher metabolism back then. I hated the way I look, I was extremely naïve and I use to believe this world I see is the only world there for me. I never thought there's other world beyond this world I am living ...

My grandmother who raised me up was very strict and fierce grandmother. She never allows me to have friends, neither let me play with other kids. My childhood is very bad and very boring for a child like me, I am leaving in a cage that I can't flew away.

I start to run with my grandmother at a very young age, not because we like to exercise but it is more like she chasing me around the neighborhood for few reasons:

Memory 1

I steal mangos from my neighbors (My justification ... I was really craving for mangos and since we are very poor, my grandmother never can afford to buy me any mangoes ....so one day my grandmother finds out about me stealing the mango from neighbor house, visualize this ...

My grandmother with Kain Batik or Malay call (Sarong), tied half way above her chest, she was holding sickle and chasing me around house and she was 62 when this happen, and she able to catch me and drag me home (What happen next was beyond my imagination).

Therefore, she tied me to the same damn mango tree that I have climbed earlier, and she decided to leave me there until I realize my mistake and I have learnt my lesson ...

The best part of all, that tree was full of ants; red ants... angry red ants (trust me, that day I so learn my lesson)

Memory 2

This happen when I was 12, I was so excited to follow my school trip to some of the water fall area, but I know if I tell my grandmother the truth she will never allowed me to go because she is worried about my safety, because of the temptation, my brain start to tell me otherwise, so I lied to my own beloved grandmother.

My grandmother are not easy to lie too, so one day after school I went to a public phone and starts calling my own house nervously, I pretend to be "my teacher", I was using the handkerchief to make my voice sounds matured enough, and I told her that I need "myself" to help out in school and I am pregnant so that is why I need "me" to help. Somehow she buys that story, so I pretend to come back home with tired face and she told me my teacher call and ask me to help her around, because she were pregnant, and my grandmother offer to cook French toast for her.

My grandmother woke up at 5.00 in the morning to cooked "my" teacher French toast and make me a very nice hot Milo. Of course I feel bad about it but after went to the bus for the water fall journey, I forgot everything thinking nothing bad could happen today. So happen, on the same day I went to waterfall, my real teacher call my house to inform my grandmother about the report card day. So as you can see I am busted, the best part I didn't know about it yet.

So after few hours having fun with my girlfriend, the bus took us back to school and I went back home from there, as I reaching home I realize something funny, my grandmother was waiting for me with a broom and a very cool face, so what I remember happen next was, I was running once again but this time, the whole neighbors was watching the drams between my grandmother and myself, it was embarrassing because I was already 12 and I had a crush with a boy that stayed in front of my house and he was there watching everything .....

Yes, I get caught AGAIN, this time my grandmother shaved my head bald, everyone start calling me KOJAK including a boy I have a crush with.

My Childhood Memory That Left ...

I have this habit since I was young, I love to climbed on the roof and stays there for a while, in fact I feel peace everything I'm here, sometimes I can hear my grandmother start looking for me and I can see and hear her very clearly, I can also see others neighbor doing some cooking, sometimes I can see their husband doing something they shouldn't have done. I can see everything from my old house. This was my secret place for few years actually; till One day my grandmother found out about it and start hitting me for climbing the tree and there goes my hiding place.

I have to admit that my childhood experience was not like others. I had no dolls to play with; I had no friend to be with.

I was alone ....I always ALONE ...

Memory 4

One day my grandmother caught me not going to school, I was feeling really down over what people said about me. I was crying very hard in school for weeks for what that tells me, they said I am a bad luck girl that's why my parents left me and die, when I was very young.

Nobody wants an ugly girl like me, I was very sad ...

I went to Lake Garden by myself and looking at the lake in front of me, I saw this lovely couple in front of me with 2 beautiful daughters and I wish they are my parents, the women look so lovely and the guy look so caring and I can't wait to be an adult and to have my own family.

After spending few hours day I decided to come back home and perhaps coming out with another lies to my grandmother. The moment I got back home, I have this very uneasy feeling in my stomach and I knew something wrong when I saw my grandmother face. She and my aunt was waiting for me to come back and before I could even reach at the stairs, she already whacked me with the belt that have this huge buckle in front, I remember watching animal plant when the monkey got beaten up with the other mother monkey and the monkey squirming like a worm due to the pain. I was re acted exactly like the monkey, the pain of the leather belt touch my back make me feel tremendously painful and stubborn at the same times. I try to maintain my facial expression with and additional loud oooo follow at the tip of my tongue ...

My grandmother swing another time and this time somehow I be able to caught it with my hands and then I let it go and I actually making her more angry because she thought I was rebel over her action. I was not; I just caught it out of re action. My aunts grab my hair and swing my head against the wall on my house.

Now to some of you this sounds like abusive behavior but to people in my country this is very common in here. It's a part of teaching from 60s and throughout 80's ... so what happened at the end when my auntie so tired from "beating" she started to cry and starts to hug me and told me not to do it again. And that's about it. My grandmother and my aunt never knew until today what actually happened to me that day.

Sometimes when my mind start to mingle around and the flash back came to my head, I do realize if they don't taught me that way, I wouldn't have stories to tell.

Lesson 5

In my younger age, I was not attractive neither I am HOT, I was this normally girl, dark skin, cheap clothes and wear this tick glasses to school. I am ugly basically just by definition. I believe all teenagers been through this phrase of life.

So one day I saw this movie Bionic woman, and I adore her totally, I want to change myself to her and wear red lipstick. So I went to aunt room and took her lipstick and start putting on my face before I go to weekend class, I thought I was the most beautiful girl in town, because everyone was looking at me and I feel proud even if is for a wrong reason, as I about to reach to school, I decided to see how I look on the car side mirror and I thought ok I look weird because my lipstick was orange and I look so damn dark and I thought make up suppose to give you this magical look. When I reach at school, everyone was laughing at me and some of the boys said even giraffe look damn good with my lipstick, I was so upset with what they said, I run to bathroom and wipe the lipstick off my face and lock myself in the bathroom until I feel much better and I come out. That was the first and definitely not a last attempt from me to look beautiful.

When I got back my grandmother was furious over my aunt missing lipstick because my aunt said the lipstick is expensive about 20 bucks, my grandmother took a small chili and start putting on my lips I was screaming because some of those chilies went to my eyes and my lips feel so numb and spicy and I cried so much that the tears making my eyes even worst. So I have learnt my lesson that in life, we will make ourselves look silly just to look good.

What I am sharing today it is a start of my life, for those who follow my blog this is not just a stories of women and mother who try to raise a child, but this is a story of a girl that been thru many different path in her life ... Will be continue ...

Chapter 03: 10 Years Old

I was in school located at St Teresa 2 Brickfield; I stay at place call Inner Beach ... my Grandfather and my Grandfather...

My dream was to be a lawyer than go to higher level like Judge. To Judge People who done bad things to people and Judge them fairly.

I used to walk everyday from school to my house all alone every day, my sister will take a school bus that my grandmother already paid. Not that I ever complains even though I can see obviously reason between me and my sisters.

I remember I had an accident after school... It was heavy rain that day... I was running to the bus stop waiting for my grandfather finish work at Mamak stall (food stall), I was playing near the drain and suddenly I lost my balance and fell inside the drain, it was quite deep due to the rain and I could feel myself floating deep behind and at that moment I saw my mom image in my head and I thought I am dying already..Suddenly I feel like a strong hand of man pull my hand and then I feel my lungs full of water, the person who save me was in his 20's something Chinese man and he turn me around and asked me to sit... I saw lots of people looking at me at that time and I saw my grandfather run towards me and ask if I am ok... I nodded my head with still slight blur vision. My grandfather give me some water and told me " You wait here ok, Tokwan going to take you back home soon" and I saw him saying Thank you to the man who save my life and talk to his boss and walk back towards me and he said "Come ", let's go home ...

On the way to our house, while walking he asked me again "Are you really ok?" I nod my head. He said "Let's keep this between us ok, your grandmother doesn't need to know because she will scold you thinking you are careless... I said ok.

Once we reach home of course my grandmother nagging at me and asked me why my cloth was wet and dirty, my grandfather said because it's raining and cars pass by us nearby the water loop on the street, so some of the water hit my clothes. I took a shower, had dinner that night with my grandmother and my grandfather and went to sleep; my sister came back from Tuisyen and run to bed. Since our bed is double storey bed like a bunked bed, I end up sleeping on the top and my sisters choose the bottom bed. I remember my body was shaking so hard that my sister screaming and asked me to shut up thinking I have a bad dream and talking while I was sleeping ... I was crying so hard thinking no body love me in this world, here I am in the near death experienced and no one knows about it other than my grandfather, my tears start pouring hard and I wish my mom and dad are here with me to comfort me and tell me everything going to be ok. I wish I dream about both of them and when I woke up I thought they will be next to me... Of course none of my dream ever happened ...

Of course my day to day to school is the same shit, walking to school, do homework, active in sports and dramas and my academic is excellent.

But they truth is I am never happy at school, people call me names and they never really talk to me because my grandmother is a shaman in my neighborhood and most of the kids in my school, stay nearby my house and they claims that my grandmother keep a ghost or a spirit at home, so that's make people scared of her and me as well. It was sad childhood I would say because I have no friend, I eat lunch or breakfast alone underneath a big tree in my school, I talk to myself pretending that I have magical friend which is just my imagination.

I have been grown up all alone and sometimes I feel like God being very unfair by making parents divorced and I have to bear the consequence of adult problem.

11 Years Old ...

I am studying very hard for UPSR ... I want to enter police academy and I want to be a police chief officer and handle CID. My sister has been acting really weird lately. I think they are into boy's stage...

I work at the book store so I can save every penny I have then I can buy myself a lot of books because my grandfather use to tell me knowledge is power.

I was helping this lady at my school selling book at the bookstore and she will give me 10% of every book I help her sell... I think it's an excellent idea because I only get 20 cent a day from my grandmother. I have been working close to 3 weeks when my sister spots me with the bookstore lady and selling books and the next thing I know they told my grandmother ...

I grandmother scolded me so bad that she said all the mean things to me "She said, I don't give you enough money is it to eat? Then don't stay with me anymore, stop schooling and start working? Then she went to take the rubber hose from the garden and start beating me with it. I haven't got my opportunity to explain why, my sister's start laughing at me when I am screaming for help. For days the bruise was there, when the bruise gone I left with a scar in my heart and that day I promise to proved to her I can be better than she taught I can be ...

I start helping neighbor selling Nasi Lemak (traditional Malaysian Food), and she gave me 50 cents every day and I able to safe and bought ... lots of books.

I was be able to save money and at the same times after school before my normal route to home, I will start reading travelling book and I will also starts learning to speak English with some friends I met along the way. I have been spending most of my time at the book store nearby my school while waiting for my grandfather finish work.

Most of the book I pick up was pretty interesting. I used to believe there are such things as happily ever after in life, and they will be a prince charming will save me from this evil world, what a crept and I wonder where do they have the story from because it is such a plain bullshit.

Happy Ever after does exist if you work hard in younger age, and start taking 25 different language lessons, and dance lesson, and culture lesson and perhaps with bigger dream and hope that one day you have achieved half of ur dream then happily ever after is possible.

This is one of those things that teacher in school either they forgotten to mentioned it or they didn't allowed to mention reality to students or they get fired. In reality most of us will end up doing something that we never learned before, or doing things that illegal or we are damn pretty and damn good looking we end up being rich because of the way we look or the most easy life to achieved either we find ourselves a damn old fart man and rich, we marry him for few years and he died. Which most of old man now live much longer than the doctor has predicted? So what are those chances that we will be Happily Ever after ...?

So the best in live I would say be independent and fight for what u believe in life. Even though sometimes it might take longer time than you have assumed, that is life isn't? To take chances on things you really believe ...

12 Years Old ....

I am looking forward for exams because I want to do well in school, I stay up in school from 6am to 6pm, helping teacher with projects, helping auntie in canteen sells food, start visiting bookstore to look for story to read, I was into Enid By ton books because I wanted to be a police officer/ private investigator ...

My sisters run away from home after failed in O level.

I don't know what happened to them, my grandmother was very sad and people start to look for them ...

One evening policeman with uniform came to our house, they are looking for my dad ...and that is how I find out about what actually happened between my dad and my mom ...

My sisters was arrested for stealing someone car in fact she broke in into someone car and steal and she have to face the consequences by facing a Judge in Juvenile court, I remember following my grandmother to the court and my grandmother begging for help from some people who she use to help them whenever they came to the house as a patient. However the Judge has decide on the punishment, my sister will be send to Juvenile school for 5 year unless is their behavior is excellent, then most probably they can come back earlier to home.

We often make a trip to visit them before Raya (for Muslim festival) or anytime when my grandmother has enough money to make a trip there. Sometimes I wonder if my sister ever regrets on what happened to them. A part of me wants to believe they can change but a part of me having doubt about them.

I start working during school holiday while waiting for my result at black market, helping my neighbor sell some foods, I only work 3 times a week, I get around 5 dollar a day, that is pretty good money for me.

I have few friends around my neighborhood area, most of them are boys, so we will start playing counting the star game, and whoever finish first will have to read any story to all of us, I normally will be the person reading a stories every week because the rest of them can't read English.

I can only play with my friend when my grandmother not at home, because most of my friends in my neighborhood really terrified of my grandmother, so none of them dare to play with me.

Sometimes I will start talking to myself or start creating a song in my heads to just pass the day. It is so lonely for children at my age without friends; I tend to not having any self confidence in life. I hate the way my hair was, I hate the way my boobs were, I hate everything about myself.

I passed my O level excellently I got 4a in my exam and I also got an offered to continue at police academy , but my grandmother reject it because of we don't have enough money at that moment because we have to give money every month to my sisters.

I feel very sad but life move on, not always we get what we want but that doesn't mean the dream shut off forever.

13 Year Old

My memory for this year pretty hazy ...

I read lots of book for couple a days, wrote some short stories and I learned to draw faces, but every time I draw I can only draw sad faces, crying women or man ... I don't know why?

On my calendar I circled the date of the first day at school and began the countdown.

That morning I woke up 3am in the morning, I was so excited to go to my new school, new classmate, new friends and all. I feel so alive, I jump on my grandfather bed and asked him to wake up, I make him a coffee and wait. I was wearing my last year shoes, beg and school uniform, I wait in front of the door waiting for grandfather ...

My grandfather ask me "Why you go to school so early?" school not yet open Elle?" he look at me with curious face.

"Nothing, The earlier the better because."" I want to make a good example at school". I start walking slowly while my grandfather locks the door quietly without waking my grandmother from sleep.

"Tokwan, I am very excited to start this school, I want to be somebody great? I said. "That is good you have higher dreams but sometimes it might not happen as fast as you expected?' He said while looking at me in the look that I don't really understand.

My grandfather is one of the most people I respect, he speaks good English and we always practice it together. He uses to say "The men without dream, is a man without life, language is only a road block, if you can that road block, and you will go far in life".

The walk seems faster that I thought, even though we take close to 2 hours to reach school but it seems shorter the usual, we pass cemetery which I remember I walk so damn fast because I scared in case the ghost jump on me (I do realize they are dead people but due to my vivid imagination since young I always thought they still stuck in their body and anytime they can chase after me), we pass few drunken man on the side of the back alley, we also pass some youngster that kissing on the stair earlier morning.

I love walking with my grandfather, he will starts talking about wars, about life, about love and sometimes it is hard to make my grandfather stop because his is deaf but I do want to listen, I love listen to his talking and his phrase in life which I applied in my life now.

School was tough the first few month itself, with not much friend to be with, with teacher who sometimes hard to understand what they really teaching because teacher in this country are not really like to think outside the box. So the teaching technique is slightly different than in any other country, I did my very best that year, I was doing well in school. I love school because I will spend days many hours in school until 7pm while waiting my grandfather finish work and then our routine begin again, we start walking back to home. I will share with him my experienced today, most of the time, he will talk about other stuff because he can't really hear what I said but I enjoyed his company.

Since my school is mixed school, there is time when I feel embarrassed, my grandmother don't believe in Bra so when I was 13 my bosom pretty huge for young girl like me and to make it worst my grandmother can't afford bra and my clothes is pretty old, and thin, so boys can actually see my nipples pointing out especially when raining. One day when I pass by this class full of male, they are making fun of me and my body. I remember passing by the class holding book so tight on my chest and all of sudden I trip and my book flew and I have to walk for few meters to collect it and the boys start making so much noise towards me that I am so shy. When I went back home, I did asked my grandmother to buy me bra but she refused, she said it's normally for boys to make fun like that. If I still insist.

She said I can wear her bra to school.

I decided it's not so bad idea, and that morning I did and less that I know that I was a joke for a whole damn year. Everyone call me "Grandmother Bra girl". What a fool I am.

15 years Old -- 20th January 1995

I didn't celebrated my birthday this year because I've just become a mother to a baby girl weight 1.6kg on Saturday at 8.05pm at HBKL, my auntie was there and she was so anxious about it, I have been in the hospital since 3.30am last night. I have this unbearable pain. I suppose to be in school doing my homework at this time concentrating SPM and planning for my future but I guess my life never really follow as what I want or the way I plan it to happen.

After suffering for damn 12 hours Trisha was born into this world, I was actually the most youngest mother in that hospital that day, My grandmother was so happy and my auntie was glad that I was save. I was not so glad with it in the beginning especially when Trisha likes to cried so much. She was in the incubator for close to 6 months and I am kind of "Stuck" with her as well. After 6 months I start taking her back to my grandmother house and the amount of gossip and rumor running wild in the neighbor hood.

I got married to a man I hardly know less than 1 month, I was raped by my own uncle and he is an police office and no one believes me, my grandmother help arrange marriage to a man I never even met my whole life. I was married on the 31st August 1994, few months before my daughter born.

I thought it will change my life to something better somehow it actually lead me to the worst place ever imagined ...

This wedding is the reason why I always avoid attending any weddings in my life. My weddings was pathetic and we only have 2 chairs, and some thick make up on my face like an opera show, and we dress all white and that's about it ...

The most pathetic wedding a girl at my age could ever dream off. All the weddings expenses paid by my grandmother, the next day I move out with him and few months after that Trisha was born in this world.

When Trisha born things change for me, she is the new life in the family, my husband works in factory of CP he earned $1400 a month, however he got addicted to gambling, he hardly come back home and he finish all his money in gambling, we don't have food to eat and he don't know how to solved this problem and as a man he runs away from it.

We did stayed in East Coast before Trisha was born, he sleep in his mom house and I will go out and cook for my sisters in law and brothers in law when there were young, my mother in law stayed in village area where people don't believe in modern world, it's not her fault it just the way she been brought up and she has many children's. She is a nice lady and she loves having many children.

It's a different society there, people so religious but yet so vulnerable and it is easy for them to get a culture shock. They stayed in the world that they only see around them, they see the world that save. They didn't see what behind those worlds.

I used to see that world, the world that no danger I thought, but once my eyes was being open because of circumstances and then I realize it is not that easy to maneuvers in life. It takes experienced and mistake along the way to be better. I guess in certain stages of life mistaken we make in life is fine, as long we learnt from it, it can be triple mistake all over but it's fine.

My 16th Birthday

This is the most saddest year for my future, I suppose to be in school performing academicals activity instead of being a housewife to a man that so lazy to work, I have been treated like a dog, I have been kicked, punch, shout at and so many other stuff than I refuse to remember much nowadays. I do understand that my husband doesn't love me very much and it is "Have too" situation anyway. But come on I am not that stupid.

I always hide the money from my hard work in the fridge and underneath the ice. Every time his asking me money I would tell him I only have 200 a month and I also never tell him how much I really earned.

Do I blame him for what happened in my life? For everything that happened?

For all the reason he tried to sold me and my daughter to MONEYLENDER because he owed the money lender 2000k.

The answer will be No, His just a young man I would say and he doesn't know the responsibility being a husband and a man. Honestly I never did love him. I was young and stupid and I saw him as a ticket away from home. I wish I could change that thinking at this moment.

Of course I also know he doesn't love me that much, it was just we get caught in a scenario that happened along the way of life. Somehow our life met for a while and I am glad to learned a bit about him and myself.

I was just this naïve girl who wears clothes that worth not more than 10.00 and working at rubber estate somewhere in east coast and before I go further about my life I would like to explain more details about rubber so we can better understand. Rubber tree is a tree belonging to the family Euphorbiaceae and the most economically important member of the genus Hevea. It is of major economic importance because its sap-like extract (known as latex) can be collected and is the primary source of natural rubber.

Here how my life in East Coast journey begin, I was pregnant 5 months and my husband is very lazy man, he never want to work and his the eldest among 13 brothers and sisters, I have to cook, wash and clean for all the brothers and sisters and prepare for them to go to school, the youngest age start from 2, 4, 6, 8, 9,10,11,14, 15, 16, 17 and 20. I have to work in rubber estate to help my in laws and sad to say I woke up every 5am early morning and start walking to the rubber estate while being pregnant of Trisha and by the time I finish it will take until 11am and heading back to this home and start cooking for all of them, they had no washing machine so I have to hand wash all their clothes, wash their shoes, cook for them and I only rest at 7pm.

They still remember how when they all young, I've wash their clothes and cooked for them and teach them English and help doing their home work and cry with them whenever they got beaten by their parents. The only person I never keep in touch is my ex-husband. Until today whenever my in law sisters and brothers got time, they will always catch up with me and they proud of me now.

Life is so hard because back then there's no gas and electricity in this place, 6pm everything so quiet and so dark. At night so freaking hot and I having problems to sleep at night, every morning when I saw teenagers girl around my age go to school, I was so sad because I was only15 yrs and I love to go to school and that part of my life has been taken away from me and for a very long time I was not a very happy person.

I always blame my luck for everything that goes wrong in my life. I always got good grades in school, I was the president for English association in my school, I got 8a's for PMR and I also a prefect in school and all that had been taken away from me within 1 day.

It is kind of life experienced from me to learned to start a fire from rubber, to learn harvest through a rubber tree as earlier as 5.30am every morning. It is a tough job to build a rubber shoes and I really appreciate my life experienced in this.

There also a moment when I tell myself enough, I was push to my threshold point, it started when:

Trisha was a baby, my husband as usual working late at night because his working on shift, Trisha suddenly got bad fever, she has been crying and crying and I just couldn't stand it. I have to take her to clinic and I called my husband but he said he can't or perhaps he didn't care ... I knock my neighbor house; let's call him Eddie, his wife went outstation. I told him my daughter was sick and I need to borrow him some money until my husband got back ... He said no problem but I have to suck his dick in order to ask for his help ...

I tell myself in the head ... Fuck how am I suppose to do, Trisha lips becoming so blue and I am so damn worried and I said ok ... That disgusting period goes off for a while, I am not counting and I just can't wait this to be over, which it did end so I hurray too picked up

Trisha and went to nearby clinic in Clinic, he took me by bike and we reached at the clinic and the doctor said a minute late my daughter will go to serious fever condition.

I thank God for that but I do feel myself so dirty at that moment onwards... things doesn't improved my husband did owe a money lender money and the money lender can't get their money.

Things go wrong and I remember I ran through my windows from my kitchen with my daughter and run away to my grandmother house for few weeks. I filed a police report and move on to the next chapter of my life.

The funny part is I still have not finish running. I run when I was young, I run again when I was married, I run from money lender, I run again when my neighbor house caught fire, I run again from a dog and I wish one day when all the running is over, my last run will be on the top of the mountain in Switzerland, running with my dogs around and my granddaughters and grandson ...

My 17th Birthday

I took my O level exam with Trish on my laps and I apply for divorce and I found out that my SPM result was excellent, better than what I was expected. I start looking for a house in Gombak to rent and start planning for my life.

This phrase of my life because there's a moment there that I wish I can forget ...Things I am not proud of... Things I've done for a moment of desperation. I remember one of these black memories...

I start building my life again from start.. I start looking for a job, of course I do have worries in my head, for a girl that didn't really have high education, was it possible to find a good job?

My 18th Birthday

When I watch this interesting movie call "Slum dog millionaire" and it remind me of my old life before this new life exist, mother of 4 year old girl, earning only RM450 a month being a technicians at a lighting shop and staying in this "slum" nearbY, it is not really slums per say but it is more like a squatters, I paid 50 a month, free water and electric but the house got hole everywhere and my house right behind the river. So every times it rains, it flooded the whole place, I sleep on the cold floor with Trisha, every night I can always hear the rats moving up and down my house probably looking for foods, and tons of roaches around the house.

My house got lots of hole that sometimes when I'm taking a shower I have to put clothes on because some pathetic schmuck will start peeping on me. Trish too young to remember all the details and I try to forget the past of the pain and how poor we were. We do not have television or either radio, the wall too thin that sometimes I can heard neighbor have sex, or argument and other stuff.

My house is so close to one another that one bad incident happen, I was in the bathroom doing some laundry and I heard people running and screaming "Fire! Fire! I was stunned and panic of course when I saw few houses from mine caught the fire and the roof of my neighbors was quickly burning, the fire was spread so quickly I don't have a time to pack, I pick Trisha up and ran out with only my clothes and her birth certificate, I could feel the heat at the back of me and I somehow manage to get the extra strength to run so fast and I never look back, the fire took 1 life and many houses around us include mine, we have to stay in the hall provide by the government till we can find another house. I stayed there for about 1 week, till I found another house to rent nearby the area, it was hard seeing my house, my stuff on fire and there's nothing much I can do to save it. Life was pretty harsh back then, I even learnt how to bake so I can sell some food to survive, I woke up every day at 4am in the morning, starts cooking and I also have mini stall (just a table and a chair) on the top of the hill and start selling to students and working people nearby, I earn pretty decent money. From the money I earn I also save some so I can give Trish a better home in the future, in fact I used to dream to stay in the apartment like the rich people and call it my home. I was so determined to change my life to become better. I'm just a girl that never be-able to finish high school and never went to university and I am so determined to be somebody, everyone think it's impossible but I believe that nothing is impossible, if the mind believe, the heart can achieve.

20th Birthday

I remember clearly in my head one day I was looking through a newspaper and came across a job vacancy as a model, they offer 2500 plus and I was excited..

I went to my cabinet and fine the nicest clothes I have in mu closet and I found this green old dress and normally it does give me some luck I said it in my heart because I know I don't have other clothes and a pair of school shoes that is still very good to wear, I went for the job interview riding a bike, my neighbor offer himself to help me send me there, when I got there, hundreds of beautiful, gorgeous lady was lining up for the job and I was thinking there is no way I can get the job comparing them and myself, which I still had no idea what we suppose to do and without any qualification. But I put a brave first and I went interview with this nice lady name Cecilia. She explained to me that this is a Sales job and they will provide training to me and the rest of selected girl. I remember coming out from the interview and I wishes and I prayed that I got that job and my life will change forever ... so I thought ...

Few weeks later I got a call from Cecilia she told me I got a job and I remember jumping up and down dancing in my house so happy and excited.

So they gathered 12 girls and we got this training and we learned about the product and how to sell in fact WSS was the best Sales University I have ever learned.

We learn to do road show and learned to talk to people on the street and I always work extra hard, I know some of the girl too embarrassed to do so but It never bothers me, who going to give me close to 3k salary a month if not myself.

I have also experience many excitements things in life, we were taken to F1 sepang Cicuit and have a ride in the sports car of TVR with a speed of 220km and it was fun. I addicted to the rush adrenaline in my blood when I am scared.

My boss Marc also did took all of us in 12 foot yacht and it was a damn nice ride even though I was so see sick but it was amazing experienced in my life. I would never forget that experienced in the lifetime.

Things not always good as it seems, I got bullied like hell by some of the people there because I often bring Trisha to the office and people make fun of me because I always wear the same clothes because I don't have luxury provide to me, I have to earn to get it.

I asked for a change of location, they transfer me to Penang and I turn out to be the best sales person in 6 months in the row, I just got this special power "in me to just pursuit doing the best I can and I did with my own will.

Since working in this company I have been exposed to another phase of life that I never seen before, the world of alcohol and drugs and sex. A world that I used to think safe.

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