Monday, September 5, 2011

*Gasp* The Ugly Duckling's a Swan!

What's really funny is that I don't remember having a poor body image until I got to high school. My mom, one day, bought me Dexatrim but, even then, it didn't really connect. I just thought myself unattractive, not fat. Or really, it wasn't unattractive but just not one of those girls, the popular ones that everybody knew. That was my complex, that I wasn't popular enough, that I didn't have a great multitude of friends (truth was/is, I'm a one best friend kinda gal).

I never had a problem w/ guys liking me. I had a problem with older guys liking me and touching me and making suggestive comments. It wasn't until I was 17, working in a McDonald's, when a manager barely older than me, cornered me and just stared at me before uttering, "You're really pretty for a fat girl". I muttered, "Thanks" and went back to work. But that moment was a very transforming one for me.

The more I wanted to cry, the more I ate. I built a food wall around me until I thought I was protected from men. But, no, that didn't work. Men (aunt's boyfriends, coworkers, classmates, randoms, etc) just stopped speaking out loud and started whispering when they thought no one could hear. I became a secret desire, one good enough for dark places, never brought out into the light. That seriously beat down my self-esteem for years; I've only just begun to stand, to straighten out my backbone.

This year I lost a lil weight and got my first boyfriend, one who's proud to parade me around, who's proud to be seen with me. Life has definitely changed for the better and I don't want it to stop changing.