((CSITD)) The first move is always the hardest. You deserve to be treated better, every fiber of your being is telling you this. Keep moving forward, keep detaching.

Sending you grace, dignity and strength.

BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 437 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada

OakStreet♀ 41193Member # 41193

Posted: 7:41 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2014

((CSITD))

You're doing well, CSITD! Go take a shower and 'lose it' in there! He doesn't need to know.

He's trying to make out that I've got it all wrong. I asked him to prove me wrong - it would make my day if he did. He's in total defensive mode.

Yep. Gaslighting and blame shifting. Right out of the wayward handbook.

He admitted he has still been on contact with OW. No surprise there, is it? I already knew. You don't go through something like this without learning the signs.

Yep very much actively involved in the A.

Very sorry you are hurting. Now that you know, any interest in doing some more investigative work and figuring out who the other BS is? He as a right to know what's going on just as much as you do. It would probably force their hand if you were to expose the A.

Hang in there CantSeeInTheDark.

"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

Posts: 3295 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US

MC_Jack♂ 35016Member # 35016

Posted: 9:04 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2014

Obviously ruining one family isn't good enough for her.

^^^nor is it good enough for your husband either. You should tell the other BH asap. He deserves to know, and that will probably put an end to the ongoing communication.

I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 996 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West

HeBrokeVows♀ 43252Member # 43252

Posted: 11:25 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2014

You are doing the right thing. Detaching is the best thing you can do. It takes practice, but the 180 is worth it mentally. I keep my energy off of him so I can take care of myself and my children. Keep him across the hall and keep focused on yourself. Stay strong, you can do this. You are doing this!

Dday March 11, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.

Posts: 1447 | Registered: Apr 2014

SeanFLA♂ 32380Member # 32380

Posted: 11:32 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2014

Best title to a thread I've seen in a long time.

BS(me) 48
WW 47
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley

Posts: 1515 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land

saveus♂ 43251Member # 43251

Posted: 12:05 AM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014

Hi CantSeeInTheDark. I've really appreciated the support you've given me and it's time I gave some back.

The title of this thread really resonated with me. The timing was perfect and it reminded me to check out your story.

I'm no expert in these matters (as I think you know) but hopefully it's enough for you to know I feel your pain.

I wish you all the luck in the world and take inspiration from your stand with your WH.

I can't remember offhand, but have you told the OW's husband about this affair?

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 3998 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA

tfkeel♂ 19517Member # 19517

Posted: 8:45 AM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014

"fantasy land" ? You mean the one filled with colorectal delights ?

Posts: 1142 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania

CantSeeInTheDark♀ 43231Member # 43231

Posted: 2:17 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014

@meplusfour
Thank you for the kind words. I'm doing ok on the grace and dignity....but keep sending the strength please!!

@yearsofpain25, @HeBrokeVows, @SeanFLA
Thank you for the thoughts. It made me remember that I should not play second fiddle to any one when I woke up this morning and nearly crumpled.

@yearsofpain25, @NeverAgain2013
I'd honestly like to track down the OW. I've been kicking myself that I didn't photograph her contact details when I photographed their messages. I'd have no hesitation in telling her BH. I'd feel crappy as hell about being the one to tell, but he deserves to know. I've tracked her as far as Pinterest, but of course, thats one place with no extra contact details. My WH doesn't know this, so I'll use it as a place to monitor for the time being. If anyone has any extra ideas about tracking her down, please share!

@MC_Jack
Yes I realise that my WH is also destroying two marriages. I'm not oblivious to it, it was just a frustrated rant about her really.

@saveus
Thanks for finding the time to post. You and I are defiantly not the experts, but there are lots of people here who have lots of experience to share. It kills me to listen to it most of the time. But I stop and ask myself if my dad were here today, what would he say? And thats the answer I listen to. I read your thread every day, you've had lots of people give you advice that I've tried to take onboard too. One of the benefits from this forum I think is defiantly building a support system of PEOPLE THAT KNOW. I feel and totally understand your comments when you still clearly love your WW. Thats exactly how I felt at DD1. I've managed to find a little more courage this time to make changes to look after me and my DS. I had to face it, I 'niced' him back the first time. I carpet swept it the second time. Enough is enough. I can also see everyones efforts for you to not have to go through this sort of cycle. It hurts. MORE. I'm also going to post this on your thread, because I Get It.

@tfkeel
I'm sure this fantasy land has trees made of marshmallows and popcorn for rain!!!!

Me 35y
Him 48y
1 Awesome son 3y

DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014

Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little

Posts: 110 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Gloucestershire

CantSeeInTheDark♀ 43231Member # 43231

Posted: 6:11 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014

I seriously don't think he gets it!,

WH. Where am I sleeping tonight? (Bedroom or spare bedroom)
Me. Have you been in contact with OW?
Silence.
Me. There's your answer then.
1 hour later - I'd already gone to bed.
WH. Can I sleep in here tonight?
Me. Have you told her that you're putting your family first and that it's over?
WH. I haven't spoken to her.
Yeah right.
Me. Your side of the bed is always open when you are ready to put me and your marriage first. But I will not share this bed with anyone else.
WH. So you want me to make a snap decision?
What I expect is WH down on his knees crawling over broken glass begging for forgiveness. Then, I will think about R. Me. Oh just go in the other room and figure it out.
I did this with no tears. No shouting. I stayed calm.

I teach 6 year olds, so my final thought for today is going to have an unusual twist.....

I seriously think WHs fantasy land is just like Whoville, the town from the Grinch. All the towns folk are superficially happy living in a town where it's Christmas every day and everyone goes around singing.

Enter the Grinch. Me. Hurt and demoralised by the person they love. Rough and tough on the outside. Heart broken and lonely on the inside. Now spending too much time talking to their dog, who only really seems interested if there's a bone in the offering.

I'm going to finish the day with a quote.

"You have brains in your head
And feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
In any direction you choose."
Dr Seuss.[/italic]

Like your attitude. Agreed. He's clueless. Keep the 180. Btw him sleeping in there with you shouldn't even be an option. Zero remorse still.

Hopefully someone will have a good idea on how to track down the other BS. I'm terrible with that stuff.

Love your analogy and quote. Since I love the UK and work over there from time to time, let me leave you a quote from one of your own...

"When going through hell, keep going." Winston Churchill

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 6:37 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)]

"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

Posts: 3295 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US

12yearsloyal♀ 43064Member # 43064

Posted: 9:46 AM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2014

I did a cut and paste of the fog article in the healing library to my WS. He read it and said he is starting to understand why he feels like he does. I told him all of these affairs are very similar, they all think along the same line, this OW might be my soul mate, blah blah. It is good for the Kool aide drinkers to know that they are really all cut from the same cloth. Reality will set in eventually.

@12yearsloyal
I did think about doing the same. But I wondered if he was really in the right place to care to read it. And I mean REALLY read it?

@yearsofpain25
Love the sarcasm. It's my sort of twisted humour!
And thank you fir the quote. Unfortunately we are still in Whoville over here.

I feel emotionally and physically shattered tonight. But my brain just won't turn off and let me sleep.

Me 35y
Him 48y
1 Awesome son 3y

DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014

Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little

Posts: 110 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Gloucestershire

yearsofpain25♂ 42012Member # 42012

Posted: 6:46 PM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2014

Sorry you are still hurting badly. Hopefully you have been able to detach some with the 180. It's in the middle of the night over there so I hope you are blissfully sleeping.

"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

Posts: 3295 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US

Edie♀ 26133Member # 26133

Posted: 2:25 AM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014

Can't, you are doing really well. It's so hard, I know. If you can upgrade to full 180, which means not engaging with him like you did above on the A, then you will feel even better. Because, in LaLaland, your H thinks like an adolescent, and the dynamic in that exchange became that of parent and adolescent. Completely step back now, you are not his parent, don't allow him to create that dynamic. Secondly, the syntax of the exchange puts all the emphasis as to it being his choice what happens next (if he..., once he...), as his remark about having to make a snap decision is very revealing, he really does think that HE has the luxury of choice between two women. Take yourself out of that ridiculous and demeaning triangle, and realise that you are the chooser here, and you do not choose a weak liar, insecure cheater, who is cruel unempathetic, and so on. He needs to realise that not only does he not have the choice between two women, but the real choice is between two men, a broken lying and cheating who needs the external validation of an AP to feel good about himself, and the other a whole, complete person with integrity and care.

Since he is having a "hard" time detaching from her you need to shed as much light on the affair as possible. Begin by informing the other BS. He deserves to know. How would YOU feel if the shoe were on the other foot? Your husband knows her address, make him give it to you, look them up on the internet, it can't be that hard to locate someone in this day and age. Don't tell your husband what you are going to do, especially since he is still in contact with her. She'll twist everythig around to make you look like a crazy wife. Be polite and compassionate when you talk or write to him, give him enough hard proof and offer to discuss it with him if he needs to. You seem to have a good handle on the 180, keep it up and Good luck

And miles to go......

Posts: 956 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Southeastern USA

CantSeeInTheDark♀ 43231Member # 43231

Posted: 3:31 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014

I'll be honest. The last 24 hours have been horrible.

I've completely failed at 180.
I've slept a little less than 6 hours in over two days.
I've had an argument with my best friend.

I'm done

Me 35y
Him 48y
1 Awesome son 3y

DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014

Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little

Posts: 110 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Gloucestershire

yearsofpain25♂ 42012Member # 42012

Posted: 3:40 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014

CSITD - Listen up and get your bitch boots on. I know you don't feel like it, your hurting, your head is a mess, you stomach wants to throw up every 10 seconds....we get it.

You are also not the first person to fail at the 180. Most have. It's a question of getting yourself back. You have to do it. If you can't do it for yourself, you do it for your Awesome 3yo DS. You have to take care of yourself so that you can take care of him. If you don't, you will continue to spiral downwards.

Throw his arse out of the house for now. Let him know that you need this time for yourself. If he cries about it, get tougher. If his royal arsejesty form whoville continues the relentless assault on your senses, then you leave if you can. Do you have someplace you can go to get your wits about you? Family? Friends? Maybe call that best friend back and apologize about your mental state. Let he know what's goig on. If she's a true bf, then she'll understand. How can you get away to get yourself some space for a better mental health space for yourself?

"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll