You write well, that's for sure. That being said, I think it's important not to lose sight of your purpose with the personal statement. What I gathered from this is that this one incident led to your fascination with the justice system, and now you want to become a lawyer. This is great and all, but it does not showcase why YOU should be admitted to a law program. What makes you special, and more deserving than all the rest? The PS is your chance to showcase why you're awesome, to show the adcomms what they can't know about you from just reading your CV, grades, LSAT, and even letters of reference.

Just a suggestion, but I think you could go a long way with this advice in mind.