Wednesday, March 27, 2013

, make it as if this is my one time to be honest and pour everything out - like a cleanse.
I think that i am finally making that leap from childhood into adulthood. And what im going through is the process that it takes from leaving your childhood behind and accepting the responsibilities that come with growing up, like facing your fears, dealing with the truth, acknowledgement of reality and all of those things that you felt you never had to deal with because you thought that they wouldnt apply to you.
What i feel is, how your foundation is built is the manner in witch you deal with your issues. And even though i grew up with the assumption that my mother didnt love me, or didnt understand me, somewhere in the back of my mind i must have felt that it wasnt the case. Because, if i truly believed that was the case, my reaction to the transformation that i am going through would be the very definition of pain.
And im not in pain, im just sad. There's a sadness inside of me that i can only understand as being the sadness that comes with the longing and nostalgic memories.
And i think that what triggered all of this was finding out that my mother was sick. The kind of sickness that would keep her body with me, but her mind gone.
She spent three months with me here in London. And i had to learn to deal with with her and all her transformations. And Nate, there isnt a sadder thing in life then to see someone you love disappear in front of your eyes.
And you learn to let go of the things that hold you back, the conceptions that you built in your mind for so long and the same ones that held you back and kept you from opening your eyes and see.
I finally see her, i finally see the woman in from of me for all the she is and all that is has ever been to us. She is the very platform, the foundation from witch we all set ourselves to be.
I decided to write letters to her. I had to find a way to heal me and purge my pain and sorrow. I explain to her my discoveries, i write about my memories and the things that sometimes are just too painful to say, but when written are easier to come.
So this is me, learning to let go and learning to deal with the things that bring pain and sorrow.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Ever looked at someone and see that they are slowly fading away? When you suddenly realize that this person is leaving, that she's already gone? I dont think that there is a sadder thing in life then to see someone you love disappear into nothingness. Look at you and see nothing.
I mean sometimes she does give away sighs that remind me of what she is, of what she once was. And for moments i forget. I forget that she's leaving and i just pretend that nothing has changed and that she's there.
And i look and i see her. Its funny how you're eyes see only what they want to see, or only see when they are ready to see.
And i see her history and her story. I see her joy and her pain, her sorrow and her loss. I can finally see her spirit and understand her and what comes within her.
And i try to understand why is that that all this time never i once take the time out of my selfishness to even look at her. I guess my eyes weren't ready to see.
I came across some letters and pictures and documents she carries with her. I know that soon all these reminders of life wont mean a thing to her. But as i started going through them i was realized that i was stumbling through her life and discovering her world. Entering her private thoughts, her intimacy. I suddenly understood where i came from.
This was me and it was my sisters and my brother.
All this time and i never was able to see past the carer, the disciplinary, the provider, the guiding force, the platform from which to jump from. Not once did it occur to me that this person that has been all these things to us could carry inside of her so many feelings, such vulnerability and this tremendous amount of sensitivity.
Gee if i could only get past me and my ways and tell her about my findings. Inadequacy holds me back. I mean this discovery of mine makes me look at this person in a totally different light. This is a new person to me. How am i going to approach her as such? And if i did, would it have on her the impact that i want it to have? Would she understand me and would she finally put to rest all the misconceptions she has of me ?! Or am i again drawing conclusions still based on what i have defined her to me?! I Think that all this time she has known it. She knows me so well she can anticipate my every move, my thoughts, my behaviour...She knows why it took me so long to see her. But still, even though her hand is on the door and she's about to leave i wanted her to know that there is a little bit of her in everything i do.