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The Naked Truth, Vol. 48

Feb 28th 2013

Angela, for us newly single ladies, do you have a pick-me-up list of reasons why it's great to be independent? —Alone, Not Lonely

Hello Ms. Independent!

This is a great opportunity for you to uncover the real you. It’s never the goal as an independent woman to develop a “man-hater” attitude. Quite the contrary! We love men, but learning how to stand alone is a powerful accomplishment for a woman. Here are five great reasons to relish your status of the moment:

• It’s OK to be a little selfish. Want to spend an afternoon at the spa? Have a long phone conversation with a girlfriend? Drink milk right from the carton? You can. There are no ramifications for putting yourself and your needs first.

• Confidence is a nice side effect of independence. Being comfortable having dinner alone at the bar or taking a solo vacation takes guts. It also catapults your self-confidence through the roof. Being comfortable in your own skin is the absolute sexiest trait you can possess.

• You get the whole bed to yourself. And the good pillow. Not to mention, there’s never an argument over who gets what side of the bed.

• Decision-making skills are refined. When you are independent, you learn not to second-guess your judgment. You call the shots, and you make them more accurately.

• Independent women don’t compromise integrity for a sense of false security. When you do couple with someone, your partner never questions your motives for the relationship.

Keep working your independent spirit, now and forever.

Dear Angela, I read your column week to week and you honestly give some good tips. Just out of curiosity, what is some of the worst dating advice someone has given you, or you’ve overheard? —Spring

Spring: Advice is always subjective. Something that works in one situation may not apply in another. However, I can tell you some of the dating advice that I think completely misses the mark in all situations.

Always Bad Advice:

• Date his/her friends to make your ex jealous.

Not only do you NOT date your friends’ exes, you don’t date your ex’s friend. It doesn’t make them jealous. It makes them hate you, and when they hate you, there is little room for reconciliation.

• Wait three days to call her (or three days to answer his text).

What?!? Life moves in nanoseconds. While a little lag time to keep them guessing definitely works, anything more than 24-36 hours, and it’s pretty clear the interest level is not there. Case in point: I recently was seeing someone and I thought things were going well. When he dropped off the face of the earth for five days, I knew it was kaput before those magic “It’s not you, it’s me” words were uttered.

• Have sex right away to reel him in/hold out to keep him on the chase.

Neither of these opposing schools of thought are a one-size-fits-all solution. The timing of when you do, who you do, and how you do is incredibly personal. The right answer varies depending on the circumstances. If you are an adult taking responsibility for your body, and act without guilt or regret, then you should follow your own instincts about when to have or not to have sex.

• Pick a fight early on to see how he reacts to conflict.

Dumbest advice ever. Why anyone would want to preemptively contrive conflict when none exists is foolish. Relationships take work without manufacturing more drama.

But the worst dating advice I’ve ever been given personally is when (and it happens often) I hear, “Ok, I know you think you like THAT type of man, but you should date [insert every possible physical type that doesn’t appeal to me]. He’s hot.”

Just because it’s someone else’s fantasy doesn’t mean it’s mine. Attraction is subjective to individual coding that we can’t always explain in words, but we certainly feel. What I feel may be unorthodox to you, but it works for me.

As Oscar Wilde said, “The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.” Touché.

Angela Lutin is Essentially Angela. Blogger, Advice Columnist and Dating Guru for the social media age—decoding modern love one tweet, text, and like at a time. Angela’s weekly dating advice column, The Naked Truth, appears exclusively in Boca Raton magazine. Her work appears regularly on the Huffington Post. She can been seen on MTV’s "Made" and Bravo’s hit show, "Millionaire Matchmaker." Crafting personal dating makeovers for her clients, Angela also maintains a private practice, which turns the romantically challenged into the relationship-inclined. Follow Angela on Facebook, facebook.com/EssentiallyAngela or Twitter, @essentiallyang.