Frontal cortex emesis between novels.

This Shit Is Crazy, Holmes. You Feel Me?

Today a very old, dear friend that I’ve been searching for on the net these last few years accepted my friend request on Facebook. He’s as vibrant and full of life as ever, & I’m excited to see how we catch up & where we go from here. Meanwhile, a newer friend & I are texting what amounts to the angry poetry of frustrated love at each other regarding her recent unhappiness.

How appropriate that we celebrate the day that Christ rose for us the same day that both Passover & Mercury Retrograde end. This weekend has been a rush of messages from God saying to me, “Look, kid, you had to face some idiotic crap you were perpetuating. Now that you’ve accepted your complicity in your own failures as a communicator, here’s some chubby rewards.”

Can you smell what the Lord is cooking? It smells like brownies. It’s luscious & chocolatey and oh so comforting!

I know I’ve said that God is all powerful & that Mercury Retrograde means nothing. In the dark, vast scheme of things, that’s true. However, in my arrogance I forgot that God grounds us on occasion, & asks me to “think about what you’ve done, young lady!” Mercury Retrograde is such a time. Yes, if you pray to Him, He will fix it no matter the course of the heavens, but meanwhile you’re still on notice, young lady! God used this last MR to show me that my own poor expectations for myself are actually my problem, not other people.

Sometimes, someone says, not directly, but in no uncertain terms, “I love you, & I admire you, & I appreciate you. I want you to know that.” And what I hear at the end of that is “NOT!” even though it’s not there. My own preparation for disappointment sets me up for failure, through no fault of the other person. If Mercury Retrograde taught me anything this time, it’s to stop assuming that amazing people are just humoring me. Why would they?

Another thing I’ve learned is that some who say quite plainly “I love you” don’t, just as I’d learned people who call you “friend” frequently aren’t. Words are cheap. If all you ever hear from someone is “I love you” & “You’re my friend” but there’s no love or friendship there, you’re getting a lot of smoke blown up your arse, which just leaves you frightfully bloated.

People use me for my endless ear & propensity toward forgiveness. If I were a priest, it would be acceptable. I am not, so it is not.

I have limits. Once you reach the end of my patience, a gleaming armour that I’ve shined bright as starlight, you cut quite easily into the gushy core. I let people bleed me. I can’t do that any more. All the time I spend patching up the wounds from such encounters takes time away from those who wish to give to me. I need to turn the blades away in time to make it home for tea.

What I’m doing now essentially is babbling.

Point is, Jesus died for us petty jerks who wound each other with misunderstandings, outright cruelty, or simple vampirism. Meanwhile, forgive yourself for being a victim & move forward as a survivor. Festering in guilt is like picking at scabs. God is your mother. “Stop that!” He yells, smacking your hand away.

And hence, Mercury Retrograde.

Forgive me; I’m just squeezing out all the pus of my personal nonsense before doing my Pundit League piece tonight.

In any case, I’m grateful for the people who do endeavor to understand me. All two or three of you. My love for you is endless.