When a man and a woman first get together it can be going along nicely and as soon as things start to become a little more serious, a man can begin to pull away. This is naturally going to be confusing for the woman and may make no sense whatsoever. And it can depend on how connected the woman felt to the man, as to how she responds to what took place. If everything was going well and there was the potential for so much more to occur, then there is higher chance that there will not only be anger and frustration, but also a sense of sadness and even loss. It could be devastating and the consequences could be severe; especially if this is something she has experienced time and time again. A one off may be dismissed, but to continually attract a man who is unavailable could be overwhelming and hard to comprehend.Reasons There is often said to be a whole range of reasons as to why a guy would pull away. And these can include a guy that is: not fully interested in the women, is at a stage where he is not ready to settle down or doesn’t want to lose his freedom, amongst other reasons. These can sound reasonable and may settle a women’s mind. However, if they are with a man who is into them just as must as they are into him, these are unlikely to really answer a woman’s questions. As it was going well and flowing along nicely, it would be clear that the interest is there. And while the man may not be ready to settle down, if he has met someone he has clicked with, surely he would be open to going further. Certain freedoms may be lost, but other freedoms would be gained along the way. At first these reasons might settle a woman’s thoughts and emotions, but based on the human need to connect with another human being, it is often more about someone’s level of emotional maturity that it is about these other reasons.In The Beginning From the start the man could come across as being fairly interested or he could across as being extremely into the woman. And if the man was extremely keen in the beginning, it is going to be more of a shock when he pulls away. This could be man that is in regular contact and one who wants to spend as much time as possible with the woman and take her to places. Or in the case of a guy who is fairly interested, this might just include wanting to see her on a regular basis and to keep everything fairly consistent. So at one moment, a woman can feel that the man is into her and everything is going so well. And the next moment, the man can become: cold, distant and completely unavailable.Hot And Cold While the above could be what happens, it could also be something that goes in cycles. So it is not a case of the man being available and then not being available and that’s the end of it. The man could be available and then unavailable and then after a while become available again and the cycle then continues. When this happens, a woman could end up being taken advantage of and compromising, if she hasn’t got strong boundaries. The man could then be pursued and come to conclude that his behaviour is acceptable to the woman. And if a woman is constantly attracting these kinds of men into her life, then it could be a sign of her own fear of intimacy. Consciously there may be the desire to connect with a man and to avoid being abandoned and at a deeper level; there could be a fear of being engulfed by one.The Unavailable Man So as he is available at first and then shortly after becomes unavailable, it is likely that he has a fear of intimacy at a deeper level. The reason he comes on so strong at first could relate to his conscious fear of being abandoned. And as the relationship grows stronger, his deeper fear of being engulfed arises. When he pulls away and this deeper fear settles down, the fear of being abandoned can arise once more and the interest can reappear. These fears are not necessarily problems per se, what can lead to problems are when these fears are reacted to, instead of faced, processed and healed.Causes One of the primary causes of this type of behaviour and these inner fears that causes it is the relationship a man had with his mother as a child. This could have been a mother that was emotional undeveloped and so used her son to take care of her own needs and wants. And as she was not aware of her own behaviour and out of tune with her sons needs, she ended up smothering her son in the process. The son would have wanted his mother to fulfil his wants and needs, but would have feared being smothered if this took place. Whether he got attention or not would therefore lead to the experience of pain. To be left would cause the feeling of being abandoned, but if the mother was available it would result in the feeling of being engulfed.Awareness These inner fears are creating conflict for the man and until they become aware of them, there is unlikely to be any real change. These fears and emotions, that have remained trapped in the body since those early years, can be released with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. When a woman feels completely comfortable with intimacy, it is unlikely that she would be attracted to a man who is not. So a woman may also have some letting go to do.

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OMG I read abit of your information about a mothers and sons relationship from being a child, how she treated him when he was young & taking it into adulthood now. He won't see a councillor with me or anything, but he did in the past when we first got together. He blames me for pushing him over the edge now, said we're done. All I've ever done us try to HELP!!

My suggestion would be for you step back and to put your own needs first. It may also be in your best interest to see a therapist.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply

FinallyItMakesSense

27/6/2017 12:04:32 pm

Hi Oliver,

I am nearly 40. Married for the second time. Kids now and still struggling with having any intimacy with my own husband and attracting unavailable men. Realising I am also unavailable. No amount of therapy is filling this void. Scared what my future holds.