Trump: No Possible Way Border Wall Will Be Breached by Army of the Dead

BEDMINSTER, NJ- This week, prominent Maesters from all over the realm descended on the Garden State to implore action from vacationing president Donald Trump. The scholars met him on the back nine of his daily game to urge him to send his armies to defend the Mexico border wall from hordes of the dead, lest he was keen on facing their scourge on US soil.

“News is dire from King in the South, President Peña Nieto,” Said Maester Ralph Stone, a bastard out of the Vale of Cleveland, “and if the ravens are to be believed, the dead have already breached the US border wall at its weakest points.”

Once thought to be mythical, great armies of soulless dead creatures have amassed once more, currently just south of the Texas-Mexico border wall, according to members of the Border Patrol Night’s Watch. Their ravens and bannermen however, have been ignored by the Trump administration. In a recent address to a gathering of union dungeon gaolers Trump strayed from his prepared speech to dismiss any concerns US citizens may have. “Believe me, the dead, they are not gonna breach the wall. We have the best wall, the safest wall. There’s no getting over it. I mean, they could get up, but once they get up there, there’d be no way to get down. Well, maybe a rope, but…”

Maesters did not come away from their meeting with Trump with any solid resolutions, nor were there any troops committed to fight back the onslaught of dead soldiers. A Maester, who preferred to speak anonymously, confirmed off the record that Trump doubted the skill and stamina of the warring undead.

“He told us when the Night King sends his people, he’s not sending his best,” said the Maester, “he’s bringing thieves. He’s bringing oathbreakers. They’re rapists. And some, he assumed, were good people.”

Despite Trump’s inaction, the Maesters have great faith that the King in the North, Justin Trudeau, will be joining forces with beloved Queen to the East, Angela Merkel to combat the encroaching dead. “It’s only a rumor, but I hear she’s got three great, big flagons,” said Maester Ralph Stone, clearing his throat. “Sorry, flagons of German beer for us. Can’t wait.”