ABCs of Death & Mourning

Coping with the emotional and spiritual issues of this difficult time.

Judaism provides a beautiful, structured approach to mourning that involves three stages. When followed carefully, these stages guide mourners through the tragic loss and pain and gradually ease them back into the world. One mourner said her journey through the stages of mourning was like being in a cocoon. At first she felt numb and not perceptively alive, yet gradually she emerged as a butterfly ready again to fly.

The loss is forever, but the psychological, emotional, and spiritual healing that takes place at every stage is necessary and healthy.

After the burial, the immediate mourners return to a home called the "shiva house," to begin a seven day period of intense mourning. Shiva is from the word sheva, which means seven. This week is called "sitting shiva," and is an emotionally and spiritually healing time where the mourners sit low, dwell together, and friends and loved ones come to comfort them with short visits referred to as "shiva calls."

A person sits shiva after having lost a parent, spouse, sibling, or child. All other loved ones are also mourned, but the observances of shiva do not apply.

Ideally all of the direct mourners sit shiva in the house of the deceased, for it says, "Where a person lived, there does his spirit continue to dwell." Thus the presence of the person who has passed away is strongest in his own home. But one may sit shiva in any home. Particularly, a home of one of the direct mourners will be filled with the spirit of the loved one who is now gone. Memories will come easily there, and part of the comfort of the week of shiva is sharing such memories.

It is best for mourners to move into the shiva house together for the week. If this is not possible, designate one home as the shiva house, and those who cannot sleep there may leave after dark to go home, and return to the shiva house early in the morning.

To be seen in public would force one to put on an inappropriate "public face" during this time.

Mourners should ideally not leave the shiva house at any time. Others must take care of any errands or outside commitments for them. To be seen during the day in public would force one to put on a "public face" which is inappropriate during this time. When family, friends and neighbors help out during the week and provide for the needs of the mourners, an atmosphere of love, caring and kindness is created. This helps to soften the pain that the mourner so deeply feels.

With some exceptions, a mourner refrains from going to work during the week of shiva. Consult your rabbi if pressing financial matters are at hand. Again, shiva is a deeply personal time of reflection, coming to terms with loss and grief, and contemplating the inner spiritual dimensions of life. The workplace draws our thoughts and feelings outward, thus if at all possible, should be avoided.

Sitting Shiva

From the time of death until the conclusion of the funeral, the primary focus and concern is on the care of the deceased and the burial preparations. The care for the departed before burial, the eulogy, the actual burial – all are done to honor the one who has died, and not to comfort the mourners.

However, once shiva begins, the focus shifts to the mourners. The mourners experience a week of intense grief, and the community is there to love and comfort and provide for their needs. This is a critical point, for if one must feel the heart-wrenching pain of grief and loss, it should be done at a time when all those around are there to help and comfort.

People are confused as to how to sit shiva and how to properly pay a shiva call. Because people do not know, and because talking about death makes people nervous and awkward, the shiva house often turns into a festive gathering filled with nervous chatter, instead of the proper house of mourning.

The laws of mourning have the purpose of focusing a person on their own spirituality. We experience an overall feeling of physical discomfort as we totally focus on the soul of the one who has departed. We de-emphasize our own physicality by not pampering our bodies, so we remember that what we are missing at this time is not the physical person who is gone, but the essence of who that person was, which of course is their soul.

The overall focus throughout the week is: I am a soul, my loved one is a soul.

Arranging The Shiva House

The physical set-up of the shiva house includes the following:

Memorial Candle – A person's soul is compared to a flame, since each person brings light into the world. And just as one can take from a flame to light more candles without diminishing the original flame, so too a person can give of him/herself, touching many lives, without ever being diminished.

The wick and the flame are also compared to the body and soul, and the strong bond between them. And just as a soul always strives upward for what is good and right, so too a flame burns toward the heavens.

Thus a memorial candle is lit in the shiva house and remains burning publicly 24 hours per day throughout the entire week. When you look at the candle, remember that your loved one's soul is eternal. This thought can help bring light into the darkness in which you are now immersed.

Chairs – The people sitting shiva are required to sit low as a sign of mourning. Funeral homes often provide chairs with shortened legs for this purpose. One can also remove the cushions of a couch or chair and use that. Some have the custom of actually sitting on the floor. This is a physical symbol of the loneliness and depression that a mourner feels.

Regular chairs should be placed in front of the mourner, so visitors paying a shiva call can sit close and provide emotional comfort. (see Paying a Shiva Call
below)

Mirrors – It is proper to cover the mirrors (with sheets, or fogged spray provided by the funeral home) in the shiva house for the following reasons:

During shiva, a mourner is striving to ignore his/her own physicality and vanity in order to concentrate on the reality of being a soul.

A mirror represents social acceptance through the enhancement of one's appearance. Jewish mourning is supposed to be lonely, silent; dwelling on one's personal loss. Covering the mirrors symbolizes this withdrawal from society's gaze.

Prayer services, commonly held in the shiva house, cannot take place in front of a mirror. When we pray, we focus on God and not on ourselves.

Physical relations between a husband and wife are suspended during the week of shiva, and thus the need for physical beauty is removed.

Shoes – A mourner should wear either stocking feet or slippers not made of leather. This symbolizes, again, the disregard for vanity and physical comfort.

One who is mourning also refrains from the following:

Bathing or showering for pleasure (one can do so for cleanliness)

Wearing make-up and anointing (with creams, perfume, etc.)

Getting a haircut (applies for the first 30 days; mourning for a parent applies longer)

Nail trimming

Wearing freshly-laundered garments (unless his clothes become soiled); underwear and socks may be changed

Wearing new clothes

Washing clothes

Marital relations

After the Cemetery

Immediately upon returning from the cemetery after the burial, and before entering the shiva house, the mourners and anyone else who attended the burial perform a ceremonial washing of the hands (using washing stations provided by the funeral home, or buckets and a cup).

When one has come in contact with death, it is proper to pour water three times over each hand (alternating hands each time) in order to focus on life. Water is the source of all life, and thus we pour it over our hands as a physical act that has spiritual ramifications.

The first thing the mourners do upon entering the shiva house is to sit down (again, low) to a "meal of condolence." This meal should be provided by neighbors or the community, in order to show the mourners that those around them wish to provide consolation.

Water is the source of all life, and we pour it over our hands as a physical act with spiritual ramifications.

Another, deeper psychological reason lies behind this gesture, for it recognizes that mourners, having just returned from the heavy trauma of the burial, may harbor a death wish for themselves and not want to go on any more without their loved one. The meal they must eat speaks to that part of them and says, "No, you must go on. You must affirm life and live."

This first meal is eaten silently, and includes:

Bread – considered the sustenance of life

Hard-boiled eggs – a food that is round, like the cycle of life

Cooked vegetables and/or lentils (lentils are round)

All other meals during the shiva should ideally be prepared or sent by others. The mourner always eats sitting low.

Timing of Shiva

The seven-day period of mourning begins immediately after the burial. Thus, the first day of the shiva is the day of the burial. If the funeral was on a Tuesday, the last day of shiva is the following Monday. If a Jewish holiday (for example, Rosh Hashana) falls during the seven days, shiva ends the afternoon just prior to the holiday. In such a case, it is considered that you mourned for seven days, even though it was cut short.

If a person passes away during a holiday, the burial and shiva are done when the holiday is complete. If one passes away on Shabbat, the burial is done the next day.

When Shabbat falls during the shiva, it is counted as one of the seven days of mourning, but one does not mourn publicly. This means that the outer signs of mourning (covering mirrors where others can see, sitting low, wearing mourner's garments, etc.) are suspended, because the joy of Shabbat overrides even public mourning. The outer signs of mourning are suspended before the beginning of Shabbat so that a person has time to properly prepare. On Shabbat, people sitting shiva mourn in their hearts. On Saturday night, the shiva resumes.

Paying a Shiva Call

When one pays a shiva call, the focus is on comforting the mourners in their time of greatest grief. Traditionally, one enters the shiva house quietly with a small knock so as not to startle those inside. No one should greet visitors; they simply enter on their own.

Food or drinks are not laid out for the visitors, because the mourners are not hosts. They do not greet the visitors, rise for them, or see them out.

One who has come to comfort a mourner should not greet the mourners. In fact, it is best to come in silently and sit down close to them. Take your cue from the mourners. If they feel like speaking, let them indicate it to you by speaking first. Then you can talk to them, but what about? Let them lead and talk about what they want to talk about. It is best to speak about the one who has passed away, and if you have any stories or memories to share with the mourner, this is the time to do so.

If you have any stories or memories to share with the mourner, this is the time to do so.

This is not a time to distract them from mourning. Out of nervousness, we often babble on about nonsense because we do not know what to say.

Often, the best thing to say is nothing. A shiva call can sometimes be completely silent. If the mourners do not feel like talking at that time, so be it. Your goal is not to get them to talk; it is to comfort them. Your presence alone is doing that. By sitting there silently, you are saying more than words can. You are saying: "I am here for you. I feel your pain. There are no words."

And sometimes there aren't. Here are examples of things not to say:

"How are you?" (They're not so good.)

"I know how you feel." (No you don't. Each person feels a unique loss.)

"At least she lived a long life." (Longer would have been better.)

"It's good that you have other children," or, "Don't worry, you'll have more." (The loss of a child, no matter what age, is completely devastating.)

"Cheer up – in a few months you'll meet someone new." (He/she has just lost the other half of their soul!)

"Let's talk about happy things." (Maybe later.)

Comforting a mourner does not mean distracting a mourner. Don't fill in the time talking about happy subjects or inconsequential topics like politics or business. Remember that speaking about the loved one they lost is comforting. It's alright if they cry; they are in mourning. It is all part of the important process of coming to grips with such a loss.

When Michael Dan lost his mother, he composed this notice and posted it outside their front door:

"In a Jewish House of Mourning" – Each culture approaches death and the mourning period in its own unique fashion. As a family, we only request that an effort be made to create an atmosphere that is congruous with our Jewish values. Conversations should focus on the life and legacy of Judy Dan. No effort should be made to portray her in an artificial light, since this would offend her memory. Painful as it may seem, attempts at distracting family members from thinking or speaking about their loss are not considered appropriate at this time.

Thank you, The Dan Family

Perhaps those in a similar situation could use these words as a guide for composing their own notice. Visitors, upon reading such a message, will walk into the shiva home knowing what is proper to say and do. Such a message will help them and, by creating the proper atmosphere in the shiva home, will also help the mourners themselves.

Prayer Services

Prayer services are held in the shiva house, not in the synagogue. One reason is to insure that for the week of shiva, the mourners do not have to leave the home where they are best able to fully experience the mourning process. They do not have to dress up to go out, or put on a public face for anyone. The services come to them.

It is certainly appropriate and poignant to have services in the home itself, for the center of Jewish life is the home. This is the place where Jewish values are passed down. This is where family celebrations take place and where joys are shared. It is also where pain and loss are shared. It is where Judaism lives.

Traditional services are usually held in the morning (Shacharit) and in the late afternoon (Mincha) and evening (Maariv). Between the Mincha and Maariv services, it is appropriate for someone to share some thoughts from the Torah, in memory of the departed. It is good to pay a shiva call during these times, because a quorum of people is needed to conduct the service and for the mourners to recite Kaddish.

Leaving a Shiva House

Even if this was a visit in silence, a traditional statement of comfort is said to the mourners just before leaving the shiva house. It can be said in either Hebrew or English:

May God comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.

Ha-Makom y'nachem et'chem b'toch sha'ar aveilei Tzion v'Yerushalayim.

God in this line is referred to as HaMakom – "The Place." By saying this to the mourner, you are saying that God is everywhere, that we exist within Him – here and in the next world. The person who is gone is still connected to you, for you are together, contained within "The Place."

"Among the other mourners" speaks about the Jewish people. You are saying that we are family. Some people are close and some are distant cousins, but the loss of even one Jew makes us all mourners.

"Of Zion and Jerusalem" speaks of our collective mourning over the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem, the central point of the Jewish relationship to God that was destroyed by the Romans 2,000 years ago.

The mourner should nod or say "Amen," and you should quietly depart, making sure that the mourner does not get up to see you out.

Paying a shiva call can be awkward at first. Keep in mind that you may have to modify it for those who are unaware of our traditions. If the mourner would think it odd that you would come in and not say anything, then of course you can speak and offer your condolences.

But at one shiva call I paid, to a person who is not completely observant, I came in, sat beside her, took her hand, and said nothing. She started to cry and said, "There are no words." I said, "I know." And let's face it, there aren't.

The Three-Day "Shiva"

Nothing in Jewish tradition supports the concept of sitting shiva for three days. The actual word shiva is related to the word meaning seven. The number seven in Judaism is very significant, for it symbolizes completion in this world, as in the seven days of creation.

The current trend to sit for only three days comes from the mistaken belief that it will somehow make the mourning easier "not to drag it out." It's true that if a shiva, because of a lack of knowledge, becomes a series of festive social gatherings, then who would want to do that for seven days after experiencing a devastating loss?

I had an adult student who was told to sit shiva for her mother for three days. I wanted to convince her otherwise but felt uncomfortable about doing so at such a time. I paid a shiva call to her, and if I hadn't known someone had died, I would have thought I had walked into a cocktail party with a lot of food, laughter, and drinks. I finally found my student, who was directing the waitresses in the kitchen. I took her by the hand, sat her down, and talked to her about her mother and about the soul and the afterlife.

I thought I'd walked into a cocktail party.

I told her that she didn't have to do this – all the food, drinks and entertaining. She said, "I know, but everyone expects me to."

I mentioned that really a shiva should be seven days, but she answered, "Who would want to do this for seven days? I want everyone to leave me alone. My mother is dead!"

Weeks later she called to tell me that even with the whole "party" atmosphere, sitting for three days was a mistake. She said at the end of the three days, people left, her husband went back to work, and everyone expected her to resume her life. "But," she cried to me, "I haven't mourned my mother."

Observed in the proper way, each one of the seven days is important. These are not easy days, for sitting shiva is emotionally and physically draining. But this time is crucial both for the mourner and for the soul that has departed to the next world. Observing shiva gives honor to the departed, and the merit of the observance is an elevation of their soul. If part of the family wants to sit for only three days, so be it. Just go to your home after their shiva ends and sit for the rest of the days in personal mourning. You don't have to make a public statement about it, as you must be careful of their feelings.

Getting Up From Shiva

The seventh and final day of shiva is observed for only a few short hours, although this counts as a whole day. After the last Shacharit service, the mourners sit low again for a short time. Then those who have come to comfort the mourners say to them, "Arise." The comforters then say:

No more will your sun set, nor your moon be darkened, for God will be an eternal light for you, and your days of mourning shall end. (Isaiah 60:20)

Like a man whose mother consoles him, so shall I console you, and you shall be consoled in Jerusalem. (Isaiah 66:13)

The mourners acknowledge that the shiva is over by leaving the shiva house publicly for the first time, taking a short walk around the block with those who have come to comfort them.

The house that the mourners live in for the week of shiva becomes a house of mourning. It takes on an ambience of solemnity, filled with memory, contemplation, and meditation. But it is a house where people will continue to dwell. The concrete act of physically stepping outside, walking around the block, and coming back in, says that this house and our relationship with this house will now be renewed.

Stage Two: Shloshlm

The first 30 days following the burial (which include the shiva) are called shloshim, from the word meaning "thirty."

Most restrictions that applied to mourners during the seven-day shiva period are now lifted. For the next 23 days, mourners are allowed to leave their house and begin to work again. However, they should severely limit social engagements during this time, and certainly avoid festive outings where music is played. Mourners do not shave or cut their hair during this time.

One is still mourning, but during shloshim the laws allow for a gradual reentry into everyday life. For mourners to get up from the shiva and jump back into a normal routine would not be healthy. They are still mourning, even though the intense pain has now become almost bearable. Moments of deep sadness and longing are to be expected, and having these few restrictions reminds them, and reminds the people around them, that this is a process that certainly isn't over.

After the completion of the shloshim, if mourners are mourning anyone but a parent, the official mourning now ends. That means Kaddish is no longer recited and they can resume activities without restriction.

Why 30 days? The Jewish calendar is marked by lunar time. As the moon waxes and wanes in a cycle, the 30 day period of mourning is an opportunity to emotionally come full circle. The process begins with the funeral and first days of shiva, when not even a glimmer of light is seen. As time goes on, the light slowly comes back, fuller and fuller. The 30 days is an important central cycle of time, a time to renew and to come to grips with a new reality.

Of course mourners still feel the pain of the loss, but Judaism recognizes that to a certain degree, the passage of time is able to ease and heal the pain. Being able to return to everyday life freely helps achieve this healing. The shiva was the worst period, the shloshim was very hard, and this stage is bad. In time, it will get better.

Stage Three: The One-Year Period

During the 12-month period from the day of death (which includes the shiva and shloshim), only one who has lost a parent is still considered a mourner after the first 30 days with the restrictions discussed below. Why this extra stage of mourning only for a parent?

Psychologically and spiritually, our connection to our parents is the essential relationship that defines who we are as people. Therefore, the loss of a parent requires a longer period of adjustment.

This period of time guides us into a deep state of gratitude for all they gave and all they did. As children, we spend most of our lives in "taking mode," and our parents, being parents, are almost constantly in "giving mode." It is hard to say thank you from a taking perspective (that is why it's hard for our children to say thank you). In a relationship where it is the most difficult to show gratitude, this period of time helps us focus on recognizing the good that our parents desperately tried to give in the best way that they could.

Parents also represent values and ideals. They are God's representatives in this world.

Parents also represent values and ideals. They are God's representatives to us in this world. They try to impart in their own way essential tools for living. This extended period of mourning recognizes that the loss of such a relationship has deep spiritual ramifications.

After the shloshim period, life slowly begins to return to normal. Some social engagements are allowed, but not the pursuit of entertainment and amusement, especially where music is involved. One is allowed to actively engage in business activities. After the year is complete, one is not considered a mourner.

Annual Remembrances: Yizkor

Yizkor means "remembrance" and is marked with a special service held in the synagogue on significant holidays:

Yom Kippur

The last day of Passover

The last day of Shavuot

The day following Sukkot (Shmini Atzeret)

We stop on these major holidays to remember, because the holidays are expressions of the Jewish nation celebrating together. We realize that we are only here as Jews because of those who came before us, who made the decision to be Jews sometimes against all odds. The connection to generations past and loved ones gone is made at Yizkor.

In some synagogues, before the private Yizkor prayers, the congregation as a whole recites Yizkor for those who perished in the Holocaust, and for the soldiers who gave their lives for the State of Israel.

On the afternoon before these days, when ushering in the holiday, one should light a yartzeit candle at home in memory of the loved one. These candles burn continuously for approximately 24 hours, and are available at any supermarket or Jewish bookstore.

On the day of Yizkor, one should attend services in the morning. Midway through the service, those who have never been mourners will be asked to leave the sanctuary, while those who have sat shiva in the past will remain. Often someone will speak briefly, and then all recite prayers in personal tribute to their loved ones.

We pray that in return for our devotion and generosity, God should recognize the new source of merit for the soul whose memory is now influencing our conduct.

After the holiday is complete, be sure to give tzedakah, a charitable donation, in your loved one's memory.

Each year on the Jewish anniversary of the death of a loved one, a proper commemoration should take place. If you are not sure of the Jewish date, contact a synagogue, yeshiva or funeral home and they will surely help you. Some people are careful to do the following:

Light a yahrtzeit candle at home the night before, because the Jewish day begins in the evening.

Give tzedakah in your loved one's memory.

Learn Torah that day. Read from a book about Judaism or Torah ideas, or arrange to learn with someone from the community.

Recite Kaddish. If you cannot, arrange for someone to recite it on your behalf. Call a local synagogue or yeshiva for help.

Sponsor a kiddush in synagogue on that day, or on the Shabbat that falls at the end of that week.

Fast from dawn to nightfall. Some are lenient because of weakness and give charity in lieu of fasting. Nevertheless, meat and wine should not be eaten.

It is significant to note that in Judaism we downplay birthdays, never commemorating the date of birth of one who has passed away, yet we are careful to mark the anniversary of someone's death.

The Talmud compares this to a ship. How odd that we hold a big party when the ship is about to sail, yet when it arrives at its destination, nothing is done. It really should be the other way around.

Although the day of birth holds all the potential for the life that will be, the day of death is the marker of who we actually became. Our worth is measured according to how much of our potential was realized. Did we live up to who we were to the best of our ability in the time that we had?

When our loved ones die and go back to God, to their "port of call," we mourn not having them here with us, yet we remember what they were able to accomplish in this life. The yartzeit's annual commemoration is a time to feel the sadness – but also to celebrate who they were and the life they lived.

Unveiling of Tombstone

The erecting of a tombstone gives honor to the body that housed the soul. No tombstone is placed at the time of burial. Rather, it is the Jewish custom to erect the stone at a later date. Some do it right after the shiva, while others wait until sometime within the year.

Recently the ceremony – called Hakamat Matzeivah (raising up the stone) – has been referred to as an "unveiling." Those close to the family are invited to the gravesite where the mourners unveil the stone covered by a cloth.

The ceremony is usually short. Psalms are recited, and people often share thoughts about the deceased. Some of the following ideas could be shared at an unveiling ceremony.

The Hebrew word for stone is tzur. This word is also used to refer to God. At this time, we remind ourselves that God is our rock, our strength, and support. He is our one constant, always there to comfort us at our darkest times.

A stone is also symbolic of eternity, like the cornerstone of a building, placed to last for all time. And what is eternal about our loved ones? It is their lasting qualities that we can still rely upon. Our loved ones live on because they affected us on the deepest of levels. We erect stones and remember what they erected in their lifetimes – their deeds, their character. They will never be forgotten.

A person is created B'tzelem Elokim, in the image of God. This is not a physical image, but an image that is internal and ultimately eternal: a person's soul.

Visiting the Cemetery

Although a person can visit the cemetery any time after the stone is erected, there are special days for visiting the grave:

On the seventh day, after ending the restrictions of shiva

On the shloshim, the 30th day of mourning

On the completion of the first 12 months of mourning

On the yahrtzeit, the anniversary of the death, every year

the day before Rosh Hashanah

the day before Yom Kippur

Why these days? These are naturally reflective times when a person is focused on what is really important in life. Visiting the grave of a loved one opens us up and makes us realize that we need help in many aspects of life. We pray to God at these times and ask our loved one to be an advocate on our behalf.

The Jewish custom is not to bring flowers to the graves, but instead to place a simple stone on the gravestone itself. Rather than spend money on flowers – which do nothing for a loved one – it is better to give money in the person's memory to tzedakah, which helps to elevate the person's soul.

We place a small stone upon the gravestone as a sign that we were there – not so the person who passed away will know, for their soul already has awareness. But so that we will know. We, who are physical, need physical acts to express the reality that we are indeed there. The stone is the "calling card" of the visitor. Flowers die, but the small, simple stone, a symbol of eternity, represents our eternal devotion to upholding the memory of our beloved. Our connection lives on and will never die.

We give honor to the body with a proper funeral, only as recognition that the body had sanctity because it housed and served the soul. In the same way, the casket should be plain and simple, with the money allocated instead to spiritual things that will affect the person's soul.

Grief and Bereavement

The process of mourning is not easy, and the Jewish way provides a structure to let mourners feel their aloneness, separating them from the outside world and then gradually reinstating them back into society.

Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch writes in "Horeb" that when people are in a state of grief, they physically feel a vacuum within them. This is the most painful state, because the essential drive of every person is the drive for fullness and completion.

The different stages of mourning allow us to come to grips with the loss. Eventually we realize that the empty hole is not nearly as deep or as vast as we initially felt.

Time does heal. But not because we are busy and the memories fade. With time comes objectivity. We realize that the person we are now is the result of the loved one we lost. The elements of our character, actions and values all result from this special soul and the experience of loss.

The body, being finite, does die. Yet the soul, the essence of our loved one, is eternal. The connection between us lives on. This reality begins to slowly fill the vacuum, but not completely. We can never fully grasp the eternity of the soul. There will always be that space inside. We are human beings who are limited in our capacity to truly understand the ways of God and the afterlife.

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About the Author

Lori Palatnik is a writer and Jewish educator who has appeared on television and radio. She is the Founding Director of The Jewish Women's Renaissance Project, an international initiative that brings thousands of women to Israel each year from 18 different countries on highly subsidized programs to inspire them with the beauty and wisdom of their heritage (www.jwrp.org). She is a much sought-after international speaker, having lectured in the U.S., Canada, Mexico, U.K., Central America, South America, South Africa and Israel, including featured talks at Yale, Brown and Penn. She lives in the Washington, D.C. area with her husband, Rabbi Yaakov Palatnik, and is the busy mother of five children, ages 25 to 15.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 156

(149)
Anonymous,
January 17, 2016 2:12 AM

I'd like some tips please on how to write a memorial page for my mom who passed in July 2015

(148)
berechah ben yehudah,
September 17, 2014 2:56 AM

thanks

i lost my belove husband on 13 may2012. he was a jew ribbe in nigeria . Dr yisrael ben yehudah.

(147)
Hazzan Randall Levin,
September 16, 2014 11:53 AM

No one size fits all

While it is helpful to some people to have a guide to the shiva period, this reads a bit like an "Artscroll Guide to bereavement" with unrealistic, "one size fits all" expectation for behavior. No one should feel like they have to study and memorize a code of conduct before paying a shiva call.. The mood of a shiva home will vary greatly depending on the circumstances and the people. Day one might be different than day 7. Interaction between callers who know the family well will be different from those who are work acquaintances and want to pay respect."if I hadn't known someone had died, I would have thought I had walked into a cocktail party with a lot of food, laughter, and drinks".When there is laughter it is not always because people who feel uncomfortable with death. Inf fact, the opposite may be true. Shiva days are long for the mourners and sometimes an entire community is in mourning. Emotions will run the gamut, and one should not judge what a "proper" house of mourning by any one moment. Sometimes it is the mourners who are laughing when recalling their loved ones. This can be an important part of the grieving process. The point is for the mourner to be comforted by the larger community, but there is not always a tidy prescription for how this may play out in real life.

(146)
Anonymous,
April 27, 2014 2:19 AM

Shiva Ripoff

Shivah for each of my parents and for my sister lasted 7 days. That helped healing.Shivah for my wife, who died on the Friday evening before the Monday night that was this year's Erev Pesach, lasted...a day. It wasn't suspended for the first 2 days of Pesach and then resumed. No, it was ended. Chag Sameach, indeed.

(145)
Roberta Lipman,
June 12, 2013 2:25 AM

Thank you for the detailed information

My father (aged 98) just passed and we had a very difficult relationship but I was able to tell him I loved him and he told me he loved me, too --words I never heard in 56 years. He passed an hour later, after I left for the day. Since that time I believe he sent me a signal, proof to me of the mystery of God and the soul preserved in us. I have honored him and feel he is now watching over me. And I miss him dearly.

Anonymous,
January 4, 2014 8:49 AM

My mother has been watching over me since she passed in March 2008. She tells me she is there by leaving white feathers.

(144)
Dana N.,
May 13, 2013 10:24 AM

Very helpful

Thank you so much for posting this. I am Catholic, but have a Jewish friend who lost his father over the weekend. He told me he and his family were sitting Shiva, prior to the Jewish holiday, and I wanted to learn more about it so I could honor him and his father appropriately. Your article was thorough and helpful in every way. I live across the country from this friend, so I can't pay a Shiva call. Is it appropriate to send a sympathy card? Is there some other appropriate way I can honor my friend's father?

(143)
Tonna,
December 16, 2012 4:08 PM

Thank you...

Thank you so very much for this article...I lost my beloved David, my Dovid... may his memory be for a blessing, the love of my life, my best friend, my husband...Dec. 8th, 2012. His passing has broken my heart...it is when night comes that I miss him most as I would always tell him that this was the best time of day...we were "alone" in our own little world, just the two of us. The rest of the world "did not exist" for those few hours. I am working through this one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. As I told him while he was in the hospital, we will get through this together...so he is with me still...and in this too we shall get through together.

Sylvia,
April 20, 2013 8:57 AM

Mourning my husband

My soul mate, best friend and loved one passed away 24 March 2013. The article on mourning and the letters from others who have pain is a great comfort, may The Almighty comfort all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem

(142)
Anonymous,
October 22, 2012 6:39 PM

Young Gentile paying Shiva call to teacher's family

My 10-year-old son's former teacher passed last week after long illness. Funeral and Shiva hours were communicated by his school. We plan to attend Shiva day after funeral in early evening. We are Christians and have noted how Shiva call differs from a wake or visitation, especially to family or mourners' home. Can we leave a card or donation in lieu of flowers during Shiva visit? Or should it be mailed? Memorial service date hasn't been made public. Thank you for earliest reply. A Skokie family

(141)
Esther Cochrane,
June 17, 2012 11:31 PM

can't get over how my mother died.

My mother died on Feb.25th 2012 in a Jewish Nursing. I thought it would be like home and wonderful Jewish tradition. I am haunted with the care she received. Chemical Restrants, stage 4 bedsore, no dignaty, no respect. Too many details. I have guilt. I did fight them but as I told them "LET G_D TAKE HER NOT YOU!" My husband and I have no family, my brother died and how I wish I could have done more for her. I know she is at peace now but I am having a hard time.

(140)
Anonymous,
May 7, 2012 1:14 AM

Grief of my mother, March 7, Purim

My mother just passed away on purim and although I am feeling the waves of emotion I understand that each day I must take as it comes and try not expecting too much from myself. I feel grateful to be able to relate to others in their time of greif and also feel sad for their loss just the same. I am wondering specifically what the protocol for attending functions for the entire year are as I mourn my mothers death. The Jewish traditions although different depending on your level of belief are still not clear for me and it would be good to get more clarity if you would kindly post. For example, taking an exercise class that has music is not allowed, specifically a yoga class with calm music for instance?

(139)
Devorah,
April 20, 2012 12:37 PM

Mother

I very recently lost my mother and now faced with the reality to move forward, I am grateful to Hashem, that my mother died in her sleep in the hospital without pain. As an only child, the pain is not distributed amongst siblings, but I alone sit. What helps me, although I am in pain, is that Hashem is there to listen and comfort me. I am also blessed that I have a wonderful husband, children, friends and extended support.

(138)
Anonymous,
February 22, 2012 11:45 AM

Still sending flowers to grave for monthly aniversary

I have been living with a widowed jewish man who's wife passed away 6 years ago. They met on the 23 of the month so every 23rd of the month he as flowers sent to her grave. This seems a little strange to me. We are planning on getting married. What'd youn think of the monthly flowers

Chasina,
June 10, 2012 1:24 AM

it is alright.

Although it is not a traditional act, I believe your bethrothed has this habit in order to pay respect to the relationship he had. It does not take from your relationship. Think of it as proof that he respects and values marriage as an eternal love, and that means he also will carry a love for you through eternity. I am married to a widower, and we display a photograph of his late wife proudly in our home. She was a woman whom he loved deeply and was a part of his life before he met me. She helped him become the wonderful man he is today. Join him in honoring her memory, and never feel his love for her in any way diminishes his love for you.

Anonymous,
November 2, 2012 6:41 PM

its oK

Hi,
My wife passed away August 12th, and I miss her very much, she was 41 and I am 43, I really understand what you are saying and that it feels strange to you, it would to me too. I dont follow a lot of what is on here, but if you accept that what happened was part of his life, he will be grateful to you and love and respect you more, its just a matter of compassion and knowing that you accept him, on the other hand, he has to understand some of the things may hurt you, but mourning the loss of your spouse and in my case the mother of my 3 little ones is natural. If he didnt, then there would be something wrong. Good luck.

(137)
Anonymous,
August 20, 2011 5:23 PM

Thank you for your derailed information about the Jewish tradtitions surrounding mourning, and how to properly and respectfully, make a Shiva call. I have forwarded this on to my daughter who will be making such a visit to her boss whose father just died (my daughter is Christian, but works for a Jewish pre-school).
Also,I will never forget my daughter's previous place of employment, owner Jewish and many Jewish co-workers, providing a kind of Shiva for my daughter in honor of my mother (her grandmother) after her death - all her co-workers stocked the work refrigerator with food for my daughter when she returned from the out-of-state services. My daughter (and I) were very touched.

David O Michael,
September 29, 2011 4:02 PM

detailed not derailed

nice statement but spelling may be improved ; just like our souls can be improved

(136)
Anonymous,
July 12, 2011 2:00 PM

The grief over loss of a child by a mother is different.

For a mother, the loss of a child results in a pain that never leaves. I find it strange that the religion recognizes the special bond & prescribes longer mourning time for loss of a parent, but not for loss of a child. I don't understand the lack of attention to this unnatural occurrence. We expect our children to out-live us.

Dina,
October 2, 2011 6:40 PM

it's exactly because it is natural.

The torah dosn't really have to command us for things that are intuitive. The loss of a child is, as you say a pain that never leaves, while the los of parent, though sad, is more within the nature of the world. Therefore, one might morn less for a child then for a parent as time passes. The torah therefore has to let us know how to mourn and never forget those who brought you into this world as partner to Hashem.

(135)
Cait,
June 22, 2011 7:40 PM

Sitting Shiva

As a Catholic, Jewish traditions may seem a bit different or confusing. This guide is helpful in making sure I, and other non-Jewish people attending, are respectful during the Shiva call I will be making. Thank you for writing this.

(134)
Marge Downie,
June 6, 2011 7:27 PM

My Father, My Mother then My Sister

Oh how I wish I had a Shiva and Shloshem way to find my way back. I happened to love m family-My father was in Tx., I just moved to MA to be with my Mother & Sister, My dad died & I could not even find a way to mourn-I couldn't go to TX. Then 4 yrs later, I moved back to Tx, My mother died (but wasn't supposed to) I got to see her before this happened, but I was on my way back to Tx to move to be with her. While I was on the train, my sister decided without my knowledge to take her off her machine-I was sick, mad and told my sister something I regret, then I stayed in TX, and after about 5 mos, my Sister died unexpectedly. Oh how I wish I could find a way to break this feeling I have had for yrs ! I am the only one left and have never had anyone to sit with me, to help me through this and I can't seem to get closure. I try but I feel like I let them all down because I was always the other direction. I do not understand and now all I want is to be in Israel and have a family to love. Thank you for all this-it is something I can do for others.
Marge Downie

Eric,
June 20, 2011 6:49 AM

It's not your fault

Marge, we do not control the show. Most of the time, we are physically awake, but unaware of so much. That is our initial condition. The shock of death awakens us and that is when we can ask for help as it seems you are trying to do. I say ":trying" because you say, "I do not understand..." rather than, "I would like to understand..." and then follow with yet another desire mere moments after you acknowledged that you were "always the other direction."
Well, then, stop. Find a temple in which you feel comforted and ask for help. Otherwise, you are just making plans to run around some more. You cannot "do for others" until you can do for yourself. Ask for, and receive help, for yourself, and THEN you can ask for, and receive help, for others.
Best wishes,
Eric

(133)
Anonymous,
May 25, 2011 3:53 PM

Thank you for the excellent explanation.

Thank you for this detailed explanation of the Jewish death and mourning customs. I'm a Christian who will be visiting a friend sitting Shiva, and I had only the vaguest concept of what that meant. I would have done everything wrong (tried to talk too much, tried to distract her, etc.). The Jewish way of handling death seems so much more respectful and appropriate (appropriate to the emotions and suffering the mourners are going through) than the Catholic wakes I was raised with (Irish Catholic, and if it wasn't a young person or a tragically unexpected death, it was often a festive occasion), or even the Christian funerals I've attended. While I pray that God will give my parents many more years, I may adopt some of what I learned from your article when that horrible day comes that I lose one or the other of them (especially taking the entire week to quietly think of them and remember them, and fully experience the grief, rather than trying to smoosh it down). Thank you again for this thoughtful, detailed explanation.

(132)
Lori Gamble MacDonald,
April 28, 2011 5:07 PM

Concisely and Clearly Explained for the Non-Jewish Reader

Thank you for this excellently written article! As a Catholic who is paying her first shiva call for my friend's mother, I wanted to ensure this visit was as respectful as possible.

(131)
Diane,
April 10, 2011 1:41 AM

Shiva

Thank you for the article on Shiva. I enjoyed reading it and being Jewish remember my father explaining things to me when I was young. I just find no comfort though with the fact that parents or grieving for parents is put in the front row of grief time. Losing a child, which I have, was far harder than losing my parents. Different dynamics which makes the grief of the loss of a child much harder than the loss of a parent.

(130)
Anonymous,
January 24, 2011 10:39 PM

Thank you!

My friend lost her great aunt and I came to your site to learn about the tradition of shiva. I am not Jewish and wanted to make sure I understood shiva before I go into their home. Your article is fantastic: thorough, comprehensive, comforting, etc. I truly appreciated the meaning behind the traditions and your insights into the grieving process.
Thank you!

(129)
Tina Query,
January 1, 2011 1:50 PM

husband's 1st birthday after his passing

New year's day is my late husband's birthday. He passed away last June 7th. I've been making a lot of progress, taking courses, joining a gym, leaning on the support of my shul, feeling like I'm getting on with my life pretty well. I've also been in the process of closing out my house, preparing to move, and sorting through a lot of stuff. That's been slow going.
I'd had a tough time on my birthday in November, now it's his birthday. During Shabbat services last night, when we started doing the silent meditation I suddenly felt overwhelmed with grief and had to get up and leave the room. When I could finally manage to compose myself and come back in, it was time for the kaddish. I said my stepmom's name, but I couldn't say my husband's. I just stood there hyperventilating. I finally got it out, then I couldn't find my voice to continue. Afterwards I had to sit in the lobby of the building and cry some more. I haven't been this distraught and emotional since he actually died. The emotions are barely under the surface and threaten to burst forth at any time. It's scary.
I've really been dragging my feet with the move. It's as if when I finally get rid of all his stuff and leave the house we lived in together. then he will really truly BE DEAD. I've sometimes had a surrealistic feeling he might come walking in the door any time, among all the familiar surroundings. But now I think it's finally become real to me. That part of my life is over, behind me, and now I have to continue on alone.
The rabbi talked with me for a bit, saying some steps forward and some back were part of the process. Being really emotional was as well. I get alarmed at how intense it feels. I think parts of the services can really bring it out, just about anything can at ant time.
Part of the sermon was thar G-d hears and answers our prayers. And somrtimes the answer is "no". We may not get what we want, but we ger what we need.
Just one foot ahead uf the other, dear G-d.

(128)
Anonymous,
December 8, 2010 10:30 AM

Losing a loved one

My mother passed away a year and a half ago. Being with her during the last week of her life, and mourning her for the next 12 months was the most difficult and emotional experience I've ever had to endure.
During that experience, I committed to writing a book which would help guide others through similar experiences.
The book is called, "Goodbye Mom: A Memoir of Prayer, Jewish Mourning and Healing".
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0983028508/
The first part of the book describes how I dealt with my mother's terminal illness, specifically her final days. I dedicate a few chapters to explain how prayer can be used as a healing tool (based on Jewish sources). I also describe the proper way to deal with a loved one who is dying.
In the second part of *Goodbye Mom* I describe the entire Jewish mourning process including tahara, funeral, burial, shiva, shloshim, kaddish, and unveiling, through my personal experience. While there are many wonderful
guides to Jewish mourning, I believe that learning from someone's personal experiences is the most powerful and effective way.

(127)
Angela,
December 7, 2010 4:03 PM

this process in fascinating

and very helpful to me.
May 12th 2010 I lost my husband and friend. I have an 11 year old son and we are doing pretty well although it troubles me he has not come to the cemetary yet. I am told my many that in time he will go. Visiting the grave has been very helpful but also very difficult as well. I appeciate this article and information as I feel our North American society mows through life without a great deal of thought or process to keep our souls filled and alive. Consequently we breed a society with scared, empty people unprepared for an inevitable aspect of our existence.
thank you for helping to educate and teach those of us without formal traditions and rituals. I have a created a few of my own and I think its working.

(126)
Susan,
November 26, 2010 5:23 AM

I lost a friend unexpectedly. He has no family left. I know he was Jewish and I want to learn about Jewish rites. I believe I will take it upon myself to call a Rabbi tomorrow.

This article helped me to understand the Jewish customs. Beautiful, humble, simple; just like Our dear Lord.I am not Jewish but I feel inspired to honor my lost friend by contacting a Rabbi. Thank you & God bless you. Susan

(125)
A mother,
November 14, 2010 10:07 PM

Thank you

Thank you for this article which brings so much comfort to my heart. We lost our only son 11 months ago. He was 28. Our grief has been deep and long. Your article helps me very much to find ways to honor our son's memory here on earth and to wait for the joyful reuniting that will come.

(124)
Tzippy Erblich,
November 3, 2010 3:50 PM

Wonderful article Liiluy nishmas Zev Dov Ben Yaakov....

My father recently died on October 6th. He lived until the age of 86, dying shortly after his birthday. My sisters and I flew from Israel and NY to be with him for portions of this summer when he was hospitalized. He survived the Shoah and thus he had no extended family members to share our grief. The shiva, a new experience for us, was incredible. There were myriads of visitors, bringing food, drinks, plasticware, literally serving us, and offers of help for everything. For that week we were able to focus completely on our father's life without the distractions of laundry, cooking, shopping, etc..thus actually being able to feel and grieve and talk to each other and share our emotions. The entire process of shiva was so beautifully thought out by the rabbanim. People sent us emails, spoke to us by phone, and wrote cards consoling us. Sitting together as a family was also so beautiful. Usually we are so so busy raising our own families and working, and communication is by necessity, brief. We reconnected in a meaningful way that week, and now call each other often to ask after one another's welfare. Planning the shloshim, the words on the headstone, and finally the yahrtzeit are all topics we are currently discussing, and we once again feel like the close knit family we were living under the same roof thirty years ago. Although it doesn't bring our father back to life, the essence of the family he created and the soul of our family dynamic has been reignited with his passing. I doubt it would have happened without the Jewish process of Shiva. Your article captured the flavor of this important mitzvah!

(123)
Anonymous,
October 24, 2010 1:17 AM

Thank you for your beautiful article.

Dear Mrs. Palatnik,
I lost my beloved father on Oct. 8th (2010) Your article was a nechama to me. I wish I knew what we as Jews mean when we say that nobody should mourn excessively for the deceased. I also wonder what sentiments are commonly felt by the mourners during the different stages of avelus. I'd hate to commit an aveira by mourning excessively over my dad. (I cry when I daven, for instance.)

(122)
Diane,
September 8, 2010 10:30 PM

I am Catholic

I am Catholic. We also understand the pain of death, the importance of ritual and faith. This article was beautiful.

(121)
Anonymous,
August 26, 2010 12:20 AM

excellent article

Thank you for providing this information,

(120)
Iris,
August 24, 2010 7:35 PM

Addressed to Layah #118

What makes you so sure that the funeral and mourning rituals that your cousin followed did not provide her with the comfort and solace that she needed at the time of her mother's passing? You should not assume that IF she followed the traditional shiva, she would have had greater comfort, nor should you assume that your offering of Ms. Palatnik's pamphlet on the Jewish Mourning Customs would have been appreciated. She did what was RIGHT FOR HER. It was HER LOSS.
A 91 year old's passing is sad, but it is NOT TRAGIC. The passing could very much have been a blessing to your aunt and your cousin. If you believe in God, then YOU should find comfort in knowing that your aunt's soul is now on its way back to God. It was your aunt's time to die, the circle of life is complete.
Jewish mourning customs (as any other religion's customs) were developed to provide comfort for those left to grieve. They do not always offer the comfort that people need. Sometimes prayers are the last thing one wants to hear, or seeing people around them for 7 days, when they just want to be left alone. It is not one size fits all.
Don't judge your cousin. You only lost an aunt. She lost a mother.

(119)
Iris,
August 24, 2010 7:07 PM

Grief is so personal

This was a very nice article and I am sure helpful to many. However, grief is very personal and the shiva process, while might seem nice, is not appropriate to all.
I lost both of my parents within 6 months of each other. The last 3 years of their lives was not always happy and marked with increasing illness. Dad died first and for the next 5 months, Mom was telling us the day she was going to die. (She developed pneumonia 4 days prior to her predicted date and died a week AFTER her predicted date - SHE DID NOT HAVE A TERMINAL ILLNESS!) Because of a chronic and progressive illness, she wanted to pass years earlier, but my Dad would beg her to live for him. With him gone, she knew she could die peacefully.
I was with my Dad as he took his final breath and I KNEW these were his last minutes. I kept telling him that he was loved and I know those were the final words he heard. My mother's last words to me, 3 days before she died, was that I was a good daughter and that she loved me. She spoke nothing after that to anyone. She KNEW she was dying.
My parents' passings were sad, but they were NOT TRAGIC. Their deaths were a relief to themselves and to me.
I sat shiva for 3 days. Not for me, but for them and other relatives who "needed" shiva or needed to see me sit shiva.
I light a candle on my parents' birthdays and on their anniversary. I choose to commemorate and celebrate their lives, not their deaths. That is what feels right and good to me and offers me comfort. The yarzheit, yiskor, Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur and visiting their gravesite offers me no solace at all. My parents are NOT names engraved in a stone of granite. They live on in my heart and in my mind and when I think and speak of them. That is how I truly honor them.
If one feels the shiva process gives them comfort in their time of loss, okay. But they should not be made to feel as if they are doing something wrong if they do not follow the "traditional" shiva.

(118)
Layah,
August 24, 2010 2:59 PM

The sad fruits of assimilation, even in death

I attended my 91-year-old aunt's funeral last week. I am frum, and my aunt and her only child, a daughter, were non-practicing Jews. I had been concerned that I (I'm female) might be called on to be part of a minyan. Wrong! They didn't even HAVE a minyan. In fact, they didn't sit shiva at all (no worry about 3 days vs. 7 days)! The mourners wore polo shirts and khakis to the funeral. At the "party" after the funeral at my aunt's home, my immediate family and I were the only ones there who weren't goyim. It was pointed out to me that I should be happy that at least she was buried in a Jewish cemetery and her service officiated by some sort of rabbi, and that my aunt's wishes weren't to be cremated, which is sadly more and more common these days among Jews. I gave the daughter, my cousin, a copy of Lori's book and hope it gives her some perspective and comfort, if she is even willing to read it.

(117)
Anonymous,
August 16, 2010 6:41 AM

Thank you for helping with my loss

My mother went to be with Lord 5 weeks ago. My father went to be with the Lord 3 years ago. I didn't have time to grieve my father because I started taking care of my mother...moving to another state and becoming her care-giver --- going through in-home Hospice care and sitting with her as she took her last earthly breath.
My heart has been broken without her and I know it's selfish. She is at peace with my father - and more importantly with God --- but I miss her terribly.
Friends and family keep pressing me to "get out and have fun" but I don't want to. I've gone back to work - but when I'm not working - I just want to sleep and have down time. I really appreciated your discussion about a "public face" because that's what it is...a "face" -
I don't feel that I'm ready to jump back into social functions and reading here - I finally feel that I have permission to feel the way I do (being a year when grieving a parent).
I'll be going to a funeral tomorrow for a friend that passed away on Friday...and I'm worried about being able to handle everything with it being so close to my mother's funeral. I'll be praying more about that to get peace about going. It may be that I came across this article tonight so that I can give myself permission NOT to go. I just don't feel that I have much to give others right now. God knows my heart and I trust He will restore my soul --- to find joy in life again...in His time!
In Him ----

(116)
Anonymous,
July 6, 2010 2:14 PM

thank you

this is a very informative article and explained things clearly.

(115)
Anonymous,
June 4, 2010 4:03 PM

Article is beautiul and reassuring

I have suffered sudden, traumatic loss repeatedly in my life. I am broken hearted and it takes me years to overcome the pain and trauma. i just lost my young brother and I feel that I cannot breathe. I want to heal naturally, humanly and I have wondered what is missing in my religious faith that helps me to do this.. This article is reassuring and human. It provides comfort into how to grieve which is not taught generally. I think it is beautiful. Thank you.

(114)
Anonymous,
May 5, 2010 4:32 PM

One year mourning.

My mother passed away three weeks ago and I came across this site. I have to say that after I read the article that explained the one year mourning time for those that have lost a parent, I felt relieved. Thank you for writing this, it is encouraging and validated the way I feel about not rushing back to a hectic lifestyle.

(113)
Cathlyn,
April 17, 2010 2:28 PM

Help to mourn my mother's passing

I was looking for some traditional way to mourn my mother's passing and I came across this article. This way of mourning is very tradtional and I believe it a precise way to accept death as it is another process in our lives. If there is no exact way to mourn than someone may tend to feel like lost (as I do) but mourning this way makes it a normal process, something that would help me deal with this death.

(112)
Anonymous,
April 8, 2010 4:27 AM

Very thorough explanation and really helped me understand that this pain will heal in time. Thank you.

(111)
Anonymous,
March 29, 2010 4:49 PM

Plants

I have a Jewish friend whose father just passed and have been told a plant is better to give than flowers. Does anyone know if there are particular plants that would be more meaningful in this situation?

(110)
Anonymous,
March 25, 2010 12:42 AM

The help I was looking for

Thank you so very much. I fortunately have not had a death in my family in over a decade, and now that my Grandfather has passed, my children are going to have questions. I would like to have the answers and be able to prepare them.

(109)
anthony,
February 11, 2010 5:49 PM

The way you explained the Stages of Jewish mourning was so clear and concise. For a Roman Catholic your article was extremely helpful for me to understand the process of a Jewish mourning and as such it made me feel much more comfortable to partake in the Shiva. Thanks so much for writing this extremely important article.
Anthony C.

(108)
Anonymous,
February 6, 2010 10:29 PM

Beautiful way to mourn

I am Christian, but still believe in the deep "rightness" in many Jewish practices--the Jewish mourning traditions are poignant, beautiful and timeless. They allow the mourners to not feel "guilty" about missing work, they allow them to not feel guilty when they don't want to entertain or go out following the death; but they also encourage restraint and the type of "slow" healing (modern culture moves too fast; I really don't think this is slow at all). A week of deep mourning is more healing than months of half-sorrow... Anyhow, thank you for providing this wonderful guide to these wise traditions.

(107)
julia,
February 3, 2010 3:12 PM

Thank you

Thank you for this wonderful report it has been a great help to me. In fact the whole site is wonderful. I am 47 and adopted and have only just found out that I actually come from a Jewish family. I can not express how wonderful this whole site is and how happy I am to have found it.

(106)
loretta,
January 18, 2010 11:58 PM

thank you for the understanding in to the shiva

i recently just found out that a wonderful woman whom i cared for has passed away your very imformative morning rituals for all faiths to clearly understand let me know my place as a caregiver /friend of this family thank you so much

(105)
Elin,
January 10, 2010 3:44 PM

Unveiling of Tombstone

Thank you very much for having this information available on google. Today I'm going to an unveiling of my very good friend and former partner, and although he did not practice his Judaism as an adult in his death it has been important for me to honor it's ritual. Had I not read this, I would not know about bringing the stone instead of flowers. It is also interesting that on the night of his death I had a strange but relevant dream, and last night I had one also. I do not think this is a coincidence. Thank you.

(104)
ari jaffe,
January 7, 2010 9:08 PM

i thank you so much.

Dear aish.com,
thankyou so much on this wonderful site! i had to do a report on this!!!!!!!!!!!!

(103)
Vicki,
December 3, 2009 2:26 AM

Helpful!

My best friend married into a Jewish family, but I have always only experience Catholic ceremonies for the deceased. Her father-in-law passed away today, and this article has helped me understand what will be happening and how to fulfill my role for my friend and her family. Thank you so much for explaining the process so well!

(102)
Raj,
November 4, 2009 6:50 PM

Thank you for such useful information

A close Jewish friend has suffered a bereavement and I was searching on-line for information. I found your article very useful as I have gained greater insight in to the mourning rituals and what they signify. I think I am better equipped to support her after reading this page.
Thank you for providing this resource.

(101)
JLevinsRN,
September 2, 2009 2:02 AM

Informative

I recently took care of a family who was Jewish, I had heard them talking about their religion and sitting shiva, I wanted to know more about it and this article was really informative for those who are not of the Jewish faith

(100)
Craig,
August 31, 2009 8:17 PM

Answer to Laura (99)

You Can follow the link below for the full story you were looking for.
http://www.heritage.org.il/innernet/archives/bruriah.htm

(99)
Laura,
August 4, 2009 6:55 PM

A story told by a Rabbi @ the Hospice my mom passed

Hi my mom passsed away 11/5/02 from Breast cancer I'm so sad I know it will never go away a Rabbi told a story @ The Hospice offered to all jewish family members the story was so beautiful & made me feel so much better, I want to find it & have it, it's about having precious stones temporarily & not being able to keep them but to have been blessed to have them for a short while then to not have them at all CAN ANYONE help me I need the proper name & where I migh find it either online or a bookstore I know I will feel a little better having itwith me thank you~laura~

(98)
Anonymous,
June 2, 2009 9:38 PM

I NEEDED MORE TIME

I LOST MY FATHER RIGHT BEFORE SHAVOUT AND WE ONLY SAT SHIVA FOR A FEW HOURS ON WEDNESDAY AND UNTIL THE HOLIDAY BEGAN ON THURSDAY. I NEEDED MORE TIME TO MOURN, CRY AND TALK. MY FATHER WAS A HOLOCAUST SURVIVOR AND HE SUFFERED BOTH PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY FOR MANY YEARS. SHIVA MAKES SENSE. I JUST FEEL LIKE CRYING. I CRY BECAUSE OF HIS INTENSE PAIN AND FOR MY OWN LOSS. WHEN OTHER PEOPLE WOULD HAVE BEEN SITTING SHIVA I WAS BACK AT WORK. EVEN THOUGH MY CO WORKERS ARE VERY UNDERSTANDING IT IS STILL VERY, VERY HARD.THANK YOU FOR CARING.

(97)
Remembering Hessie,
May 7, 2009 11:39 AM

Remembering Hester Stewart

This was really useful to send to people attending the service who were not accustomed to tradition. Very sensitive considering how difficult these times can be.

(96)
Anonymous,
May 7, 2009 1:51 AM

Thank you for a beautiful article

Thank you so much for a beautiful and sensitive article. I was very moved. I would add that in Sefardi homes it is customary to offer foods for the brachot.
All the best

(95)
Stefanie,
April 12, 2009 2:00 PM

how right you are

I lost both my parents within a year, but that was 7 and 8 years ago. I was not "permitted" to mourn their loss at all, so now here I am still feeling like it just happened yesterday, and in therapy. I wish for everyone who experiences the loss of a loved one to have people surrounding them who know how to grieve with them.

(94)
Anonymous,
March 1, 2009 9:30 AM

understanding

My friend's brother just passed away and he sent me this link to understand shiva. Very informative and beautiful. I am no Jewish and when my dad passed away it was like a party after his funeral and I will never forget that feeling of why are they all happy when I am so sad and missing him. Shiva makes much more sense for mourning. Thank you for sharing.

(93)
max,
February 5, 2009 11:32 PM

I still don't understand

I have recently loss my mom and now I no longer have parents. They were both survivors of the holocaust, and with their suffering which included their bouts with cancer...and how they died I still struggle with my belief in G-d. All that is written provides guidance and understanding, but in no way does it provide and understanding of how a concept of G-d would allow people to die with such suffering and loss of dignity. I remember telling my wife ..maybe G-d will give this survivor a break.....when is enough...enough? Thank you for providing the material to help me find a way, however I still feel like a lost soul.

(92)
JORDANA,
January 24, 2009 10:05 AM

Thank you....so very helpful in a time of loss

Thank you so much for this helpful well written and laid out timetable. It was easy to understand and assimilate. I am grateful.

(91)
Anonymous,
January 19, 2009 4:03 PM

sense of normality

My husband died 16 days ago, he was only 56, and had a heart attack...I felt better reading this--I have that aching empty pain, and knowing that its' okay to mourn for a month made me also feel better-

(90)
susan drane,
January 17, 2009 11:53 AM

how to grieve

i found some comfort reading of the ways of how to handle my grief , my father died in november i feel like my heart has such a big whole in it , it made me feel my acke wasnt lost and im not wrong to feel so sad thankyou so much

(89)
Anonymous,
December 27, 2008 5:57 PM

Music expresses my loss

Today I play "Birds in warped time"
by Somei Satoh for violin and piano.
It expresses my grief...my mother
is dying and I wish that she could
hear it before she dies.

(88)
Anonymous,
December 24, 2008 10:41 AM

Teriffic learning material

Since the passing of my father in April, 2008, I have struggled with some of the traditions that I should have known. However, I was never a good practicing Jew (not that my parents didn't try). With my father passing and my children and step-children asking questions, I have found your site to be very helpful in answering questions and I don't have to feel foolish for not knowing while still being able to follow tradition. Thank you!

(87)
Judy Bullough,
December 17, 2008 11:04 AM

My brother passed away in June, 2008 and although we are not of the Jewish faith, I found this information truly comforting. As I now struggle with my younger sister fighting a rare form of cancer I am holding very close what I have read about life in your articles. Thank you for making me see what I had closed my eyes to.

(86)
Anonymous,
December 15, 2008 4:28 PM

Answers about the Shloshim

I lost my husband aged 49 three weeks ago. This information is very useful for me, and for the family. Thank you.

(85)
Barbara Brown,
December 6, 2008 5:33 AM

Helpful words. . .

I lost my mother Nov. 27, 2008. Your article clarified and reminded me of my obligations. Your words were very comforting to me. Thank you for your help at this very difficult time.

(84)
Ariel Rivera,
December 4, 2008 11:40 AM

The Loss of my wife 11-17-08

I want to thank you in helping me understand what is required from me and others during this very difficult time.

(83)
Anonymous,
November 21, 2008 6:22 PM

You have helped so many of us...

I read your page when I was in despair over the death of my mother last year anfd struggling to understand how to cope with grief.
Nothing has helped me as much as this page. I have shared with many other grieving friends and we have all been helped.
Thank you so much.

(82)
Ira Walter,
November 6, 2008 10:01 PM

Questions answered in time of loss.

My Father passed away Nov 2, 2008. Reading the exerpts from above shed both light and answers at a time of darkness, dispair, pain and uncertainty. Thank you for explaining, and helping with the transition and grieving process'.

(81)
Celine,
November 6, 2008 7:25 PM

Lovely Words

I am Catholic and never really understood what was meant by "Shiv'ah". This was very interesting and enlightening. Its nice to know I could console my friends if the need ever arises, and I don't have to worry about what to say or what to do. It sounds like a beautiful process. Thank you!

(80)
debbie,
November 1, 2008 1:56 AM

this helped me with my loss

My mom passed today and I knew a few of the things I needed to do, but this helped me alot. I feel this will help with getting through with period. I have been so stressed and felt loss. Thank you

(79)
Victor Orly,
October 31, 2008 10:49 PM

Grieving never ends

I lost my Father in October 2007, and it hurts today as much as it did the day we lost him.

(78)
cheryl,
October 28, 2008 9:17 PM

I just lost my father on Sunday and was not quite sure of the true meaning of shiva and all the customs associated with it. The site gave me more knowledge and for that I am greatful.

(77)
Dasha,
October 28, 2008 10:51 AM

Very Helpful

A dear friend died yesterday and although I am Jewish and lost my father 4 years ago I was not as acquainted with the mourning process. This is a beautiful document. Thank you

(76)
Ang,
August 28, 2008 9:26 PM

Many thanks

What a beautiful tradition that gives those in mourning a time to "mourn".

(75)
Agape,
August 25, 2008 8:41 AM

Thank you for the great information

I am a Greek Orthodox christian and have been to numerous funerals. Yesterday I attended my first Jewish one and read came across this website and read the wonderfully written document. I cried as a read the phases/stages of mourning as we too carry on the similar mourning timeline. Thank you for the wonderful read and giving my family the insight on the wonderful Jewish traditions.

(74)
sue,
August 20, 2008 3:49 PM

Thank you

My Auntie died this week and lives far away so I have not gone for the burial or shiva but am grateful to be able to read about the process. It makes me feel more connected with the mourners.

(73)
angela,
August 7, 2008 9:31 AM

a good friend of mine just lost her mother last night. I am not familiar with the customs of the jewish religion so this was extrememly helpful. thank you very much for making this information available.

(72)
Linda,
July 7, 2008 1:44 PM

thank you

A good friend of mine just lost her father, and I have only been to Christian funerals & wakes before. I was glad to find this information so that I could properly console her in her time of mourning. Thank you.

(71)
Julia,
June 15, 2008 4:56 PM

I reading this article due to loss of relationships. No one has died but I think since death is simply seperation this article can greatly benefit anyone who is going through a great loss. Not to at all equate the actual physical loss of a loved through death to the loss of a loved one through divorce or seperation but this article has served as a guide to help me in this matter.

(70)
ADAM,
April 5, 2008 10:00 PM

THANK YOU LORI

I AM MOURNING MY FATHER WHO WAS NIFTER THE 20TH OF ADAR SHENI. THANK YOU FOR WRITING A BEAUTIFUL EXPLANATION OF MOURNING. PLEASE PRAY IN THE MERIT OF MY FATHER MICHAEL BEN YITZHAK HALEVI. THANK YOU VERY MUCH,ADAM

(69)
Michael,
April 4, 2008 2:05 PM

Wonderful Directions for a Mourning Period

I wish I had this article last year when my father died. Although I am Roman Catholic, these directions are sensible for any mourner. My sister-in-law's behavior at the meal after the funeral was inappropriate to say the least, telling loud jokes and laughing, ignoring my mother and trying to give away my father's things. I read this and think 'O, to be Jewish at a time like this would be wonderful!'

(68)
alyce,
March 26, 2008 10:14 PM

grieving for siblings

I just buried my sister on 2/13/08 and then my brother on3/8/08. My sister was 59 and my brother was 42. It was from an inherit neuro disorder. My Mom is 80. My brother was like my own "baby". I never had children due this disorder. Any advice

(67)
Sam,
March 25, 2008 3:59 PM

Excellent articles.The text seems to answer all of the questions that you may have in respect of Jewish mourning

(66)
Anonymous,
March 9, 2008 11:54 AM

cultural sensitivity

The discussion of behavior at a shiva neglects to take into account the fact that the Sephardi tradition is different. In a Sephardi home, those visiting are expected to eat foods of various kinds in order to say as many brachot as possible which are considered to be for the elevation of the soul of the deceased. Refusing offers of food at a Sephardi shiva is altogether improper.

(65)
Anonymous,
February 17, 2008 3:17 PM

First Jewish Funeral

Today I attended my first Jewish funeral. I am grateful for this education on Shiva, as this will also be my first Shiva. I was so moved today by the plainess and rawness of ceremony. Your words will help me comfort my dear friend. Thank You.

(64)
bill robbins,
February 7, 2008 8:02 AM

help for non-Jews

Thank you. i know nothing of the morays of the Jewish faith. This has gone a long way toward helping me provide comfort to my dear friend who lost her husband over the weekend.

(63)
Mordechai,
January 18, 2008 8:19 AM

G-d Fills Up the Void

You mention how people feel a vacuum upon the loss of a loved one. I once heard that in the traditional words one says to a mourner, the word HaMakom (literally: the Place) is used as the Name for G-d, because G-d is the Place of the world, and he is in that vacuum, in that place, filling it up with His Presence. Knowing that G-d is with the deceased is the only true comfort one can give.

(62)
Amanda,
January 16, 2008 1:21 PM

Thank you.

I lost my mother almost a year ago. (February 7th / 19th of Sh'vat)

Your words were very comforting, especially the "STAGE THREE: THE ONE-YEAR PERIOD" section.

Again, thank you.

(61)
drollain,
January 9, 2008 7:02 AM

Some of the most valuable information that I have read on the Internet

I was raised a Jew and have moved away from its roots. My Grandmother (Bubbie as we called her) will be passing in the next day or two... I find this very informative, as my Mother and others will be sitting shiva...

(60)
Carrie,
January 8, 2008 3:15 PM

Excellent, informative, and moving!

I am a Catholic but have a jewish friend who just lost her husband. This was the most rewarding and informative article I have ever read. I am intrigued by the religion after reading this. Thank You very much. This is a lovely ritual that everyone should practice, it would certainlly help heal a heart and bring one closer to God.

(59)
Ann Marie Curling,
December 27, 2007 10:58 AM

Thank You

My nephew is dying, and after reading this, it really made me feel better. It's a very stressful and sad time, but it feels so good to read about it in this context. Thanks for sharing it with all that come here and read it.

(58)
Cortni,
December 14, 2007 12:07 AM

Great Information

I'm not Jewish but this is a wonderful tradition to mourn the loss of a loved one. Thank you for clearly laying it out so anyone can understand.

(57)
Lynn,
November 30, 2007 3:48 PM

Excellent Summary

Thank you for this article. I am still in shloshim, and it helps to know that what I'm feeling, and my urges for prayer, are not only normal, but to be expected. Excellent article.

(56)
Dorothy Bienen,
November 14, 2007 8:24 AM

Excellent Information!

Thank you for providing a well written and very helpful article on the Shivas process! I will use the knowledge in my process and it will be most benificfial to me in my mourning .

(55)
Anonymous,
August 2, 2007 12:36 PM

Grateful for Guidance

Thank you so much for posting the guidelines for how to help our loved ones experience the traditional stages of mourning.

(54)
Anonymous,
July 19, 2007 9:09 AM

Thank you

A former coworker of mine passed and I was invited to Shiva. Thank you for your clear explanation of how I should properly pay my respects.

(53)
Anonymous,
July 13, 2007 7:58 AM

Christian understanding of Jewish Mourning

I have several friends who are Jewish and a wonderful neighbour whose mother recently passed. I found this information very helpful so that I will be able to respect understand his wishes at this time. Very simply written but a vast amount of knowledge. I will also say that I recently lost my mother and I will apply some of these lessons as I work through my grief as well. Thank you.

(52)
Sylvia,
June 29, 2007 7:15 PM

I found this information to be very helpful. Thank you so much.

(51)
Joan M,
June 21, 2007 8:55 AM

Thank you

I wish to properly support my friend during his time of loss and your detailed information is greatly appreciated. Thank you

(50)
Barbara,
June 10, 2007 5:53 PM

Very well said

As a Christian who wishes to be sensitive to the needs and cultural traditions of others, I found this information very helpful and well said.

(49)
Angela Epstein,
March 13, 2007 6:54 PM

Thank you

Very nicely explained, with lots of sensitivity and care. Thank you

(48)
Anonymous,
March 12, 2007 8:55 AM

helping support my friend

As a Christian, your information was very helpful in letting me know how to support my good friend and her family. Thank you and shalom.

(47)
Anonymous,
January 23, 2007 8:01 PM

It helped me so very much. Thank you

I just lost my husband and he was the love of my life. I know I will see him again in time, but this has helped me understand so much. We celebate his death because of the wonderful man and pastor he was, but this makes so much sence. God bless you.

(46)
Peggy Woodward,
January 23, 2007 9:22 AM

SPIRITUAL INSIGHT IN THE WAKE OF MY NEPHEWS DEATH

Thank you so much for this site. I am not Jewish however, I have tremendous respect and admiration for the Jewish people and traditions. My nephew Michael died here in our home on Sunday Jan. 21st, I found him and that has been very difficult, after reading this I feel I have permission to feel the grief I am experiencing, Other family members and friends are telling me that I need to snap out of it and do something besides grieving, I resonate with the process and want to tell you how grateful I am to have been given this gift.

(45)
marilynmilanaik,
December 26, 2006 2:57 PM

Thank you, Lori

I met Rabanite Lori Palatnik in Jersulem aug of 2000 at a aish womens conference. She was a wonderful speaker and the week was one the best vacations of mmy life. Now as I mourn for my father she is there again to comfort and suupport. This is a time to need words, but most of them are written by men. There is a need for words to a mourner be it for a child, a spouse or a parent to come from a women. As an orthodox women all you get is don't.

Lori please write an article for the jewish women on the do's for mourningThank You again for all your words. mm

(44)
Anonymous,
December 20, 2006 8:24 AM

I came to this site to learn the traditions of the jewish religion. I found this site very helpful in understanding the proper ritual for the religious meaning in the death of a loved one. Thank you

(43)
Anonymous,
December 11, 2006 11:37 PM

I had a friend pass away recently and your website will help me pay respects to the family in proper form, even though I do not practice the same religion. Thank you for giving me insight into your religion. Your mourning of death is very comforting.

(42)
Anonymous,
December 3, 2006 4:57 PM

Very illuminating & comforting.

Thank you! I found reading this article very educational as I prepare to visit a Jewish friend sitting shiva. I feel better prepared & now have a fuller understanding of this important ritual.

(41)
Anonymous,
December 3, 2006 11:00 AM

It helps to know that one isn't totally alone or going through something different from everyone who has come before.

(40)
VictoriaHarris,
November 25, 2006 12:57 PM

Very, very informative!

I am enlightened by this information and have a greater respect for Jewish tradition and the respect shown in these traditions for the living and the dead.

P.S. I am Black American.

(39)
SusanSpiegel,
October 26, 2006 11:37 PM

Excellent site

Very helpful.

(38)
Simon,
October 25, 2006 12:11 AM

Amschel Mayer ben Shimon

Thank You

(37)
Anonymous,
October 24, 2006 9:55 AM

Thank you for the information and help

You present the laws and customs of Shiva in a clear and meaningful manner. You clarified the practices and put them into Jewish perspective.Thank you.

(36)
Rachael,
August 29, 2006 12:00 AM

This is a very educational site. I am a Christian and I have often had questions about Jewish Mourning. I feel very informed. Thank you!

(35)
Richard,
June 19, 2006 12:00 AM

Clear, concise and empowering

Seeing the stages of mourning, set out in black and white, has really helped me understand why I am doing some of the things that just seem natural (saying Kaddish, sitting shivah, cancelling social engagements) and given me the strenght to mourn how I feel it is right instead of doing what others might expect of me.

(34)
david,
June 15, 2006 12:00 AM

very comforting

thank you for providing a synopsis of the jewish grief cycle. I am jewish and i was just needing a refresher because i was not thinking clearly. it is appreciated.

(33)
Susan Pearl,
June 8, 2006 12:00 AM

Thank your helpful information.

Today is the day before my good friend lays to rest his adult son who was involved in a horrific car crash earlier this year (Mar. '06). The information you shared was very moving and comprehensive. Susan Pearl 6/08/06 (Canada)

(32)
Terry,
May 30, 2006 12:00 AM

Thank you

THis was most helpful to me - a friend lost her father this week and they are observing traditional Jewish services and traditions, of which I know nothing. Now I feel I have at least a little information on how to help and mourn with my friend during a shiva call.

(31)
Ava,
May 21, 2006 12:00 AM

This was very helpful

A dear friend's father just passed away. This info. was very helpful to guide me in understanding Jewish ritual so I could share this information with them. Thank you.

(30)
THEA JANSEN,
May 6, 2006 12:00 AM

very informative site

A close Jewish friend of mine recently lost his mother. He will soon attend the unveiling ceremony. Though I will not be there in person, I inquired about the rocks placed on the grave stone. I feel this tradition is a beautiful way to show your respect for the departed, and for their family.I am very interested in religions, and have studied many different ones. The Jewish traditions and beliefs,though there are many,seem to be a simple and down to earth way to live. We can all take a lesson and truly try to learn from others. Thank you for your article

(29)
cj allison,
May 2, 2006 12:00 AM

I am a Christian who loves the Jewish people. I wanted to find out what the term "sitting shiva" meant. Oh, how I wish we Christians mourned in this manner. Thank you for such a wonderful article.

(28)
Gregory Harrison,
April 5, 2006 12:00 AM

Thank you - this is a great help

As someone who is not Jewish, I now have a clear understanding of the stages of the mourning period. Someone close to me recently passed away and I now know exactly how to support the family members in a way that is respectful of their faith while keeping the memory of my friend alive in our hearts.

Thank you for providing such a thorough summary.

(27)
Bernie Wallerich,
March 26, 2006 12:00 AM

This was an excellent article - thank you.

I now better understand the rite of death in the Jewish faith. Thank you for explaining shiva and the related customs.

(26)
oriel cohen,
October 20, 2005 12:00 AM

unvieling

lori's words were most comforting during this very difficult.i will use them at the unvieling of my brother texas lous' unvieling next week...o

(25)
Dori Cohen,
September 16, 2005 12:00 AM

My Mama

I lost my beloved mama on September 4th and feel as if I have lost everything. I was with her for her last few weeks, hardly leaving her side. I cherish all of that. I miss her so much. I came to aish.com for some comfort, which I did receive through reading what others feel. I know I am not alone even though it feels like it. I want to honor her by doing what she beleived in. Her name is Pearl and she is always in my heart.

(24)
Anonymous,
September 8, 2005 12:00 AM

Some tips for shiva visit.

First of all, I would like to thank the author of this article. My father, alav hasholom, was niftar 2 weeks ago and this article is a tremendous source of support for me.
Secondly, I would like to add a few tips about the shiva visit. The main thing - please know that your visit is very important and greatly appreciated. It is impossible to describe how much this chessed helps the mourner. To avoid any discomfort to the mourner, try not to become engrossed in a mundane conversation with other visitors. It is totally OK to try to find the common topic between all the present - but it should not leave the mourner wondering if they still remember why they came and make him feel totally detached from the conversation. It is also not the best time to relate all the details of someone else's death, totally shifting the attention from the niftar being mourned. Please try to keep it as a dialog - watching for the ques from the mourner himself.
Another important point - even after shiva, a mourner cannot be expected to go back to normal and manage everything right away - I am eternally gratefull to my friends who helped me in the post-shiva week. It is impossible to describe the impact of their moral and physical support.
Thank you again for this wonderfull article!

(23)
allen lukacs,
August 24, 2005 12:00 AM

my parents

I read it, and began to cry, uncontrollably. I have a yarzheit coming up for BOTH of my parents, and I my adopted sister, just lost her mother, and I am sending THIS article to say I am sorry 4 your loss. Thank you.

(22)
Gayle Abrams,
August 11, 2005 12:00 AM

I miss Lori Palatnik

I had no idea when I was reading this if was written by Lori Platnik.. she used to be the Rebetzin at my Shul in Toronto... I really miss her.. this was so easy to read and very educational

(21)
KG,
July 3, 2005 12:00 AM

Thank you for your words of comfort. My father passed away recently and it was comforting to know that my feelings of loss and of a physical void in me, were normal. To anyone who experiences a loss - Hamokom yenachem eschem besoch shaar avlai Tzion veYerushalayim.

(20)
Anonymous,
April 5, 2005 12:00 AM

Thank you for sharing

I found your site very informative and comforting. I have recently lost a friend of the Jewish faith and I needed to know what I could do to respect his faith & family at their time of grief.

(19)
Barbara,
January 17, 2005 12:00 AM

excellent explanation

I'm Catholic and have a Jewish friend who lost her father. This was an excellent and complete explanation of the rich ritual of mourning a loved one. In Latin Catholic countries the same attitude toward the mourners is strong and very similar to the Jewish tradition. Americans typically do not let the mourners mourn and I've always thought that this is so sad and unhealthy. I hope that it is widely practiced by Jews everywhere. I also wish that you could "spread the word" to the rest of us. Thank you so much.

(18)
debbi,
January 4, 2005 12:00 AM

This was an excellent article that has given me both comfort and information. My father passed away a few days ago and I have been learning halachas of mourning but this really filled in the meaning behind everything for me. Thank you.

(17)
Kathy,
September 26, 2004 12:00 AM

Thank you for helping me honor my father

I wanted to be sure to honor my father by sitting shiva correctly and your site helped during this most difficult time in my life.

(16)
andrea wehman,
August 3, 2004 12:00 AM

very, very informative

Thank you for putting together an explanation that is clear and concise so that I have a better understanding as to my laws and customs.

(15)
Howard Mallinger,
July 4, 2004 12:00 AM

VERY NEEDED INFORMATION!!

IT IS VERY COMFORTING TO KNOW THAT THIS INFORMATION IS AVAILABLE ON YOUR SITE.IT IS A VERY HELPFUL PLACE TO TURN TO,BEFORE AND AFTER SUCH A EVENT. THANK YOU,HOWARD&SHERYL

(14)
Carla,
April 3, 2004 12:00 AM

Very helpful information!!

Hi I work at a answering service that answers for a few hundred funeral homes. We answer for a few Jewish homes. I had no idea about the religion. So i read about it in your article and it is amazing how much it helped. I feel like now i can better understand the people who call in now. Thanks so much!!!!

(13)
Anonymous,
January 5, 2004 12:00 AM

Useful information for a non-Jew

My Jewish friend just lost a close relative and I wanted to know exactly how I should pay my respects, keeping within Jewish custom. Thank you for your article - very helpful.

(12)
Anonymous,
December 29, 2003 12:00 AM

extremely helpful to know what to be sensitive with

I really appreciated the article- it was both informative and extremely helpful. The message was clear, and it leaves one with a sense of how to cope with mourning- both the person undergoing the mourning and also those who are there to help. Thank You.

(11)
Anonymous,
December 21, 2003 12:00 AM

a further questions about customs surrounding death

One of the most informative articles I have every read about death and shiva but I am left with one question.
Is the prohibition on sending flowers to a shiva house an extension of "sack cloth and ashes" covering mirrors, etc. or is there some other authority for this?

(10)
Anonymous,
December 21, 2003 12:00 AM

death of a family friend

thank you fro this informative and simple guide - a close family friend has just experienced a death in the family and as a non-jew i am on my way to my first shiva visit -- your comments will be very helpful to me as i would like to respect and honor the family during this time of grief and sadness.

(9)
Anonymous,
May 8, 2003 12:00 AM

Thank you for the excellent information

I am not Jewish and I have not been to a funeral or memorial. Tonight I will be at a shiva gathering at a dear friend's home for her mother. Thanks to your article, I am feeling more confident about how best to console her.

(8)
Traci Day,
June 5, 2002 12:00 AM

Very informative

Thank you for taking the time to explain. Goyims find it hard to know what to do. This certainly helps. I would never want to offend.

(7)
Anonymous,
March 26, 2002 12:00 AM

Thank you

Thank you. The description of shiva was very helpful to me today. I am not Jewish. A family who goes back 3 generations with my family had a loss. I was invited to the shiva and went. Without your instruction it would have been difficult, but it was easy. God bless....

(6)
FRANCINE HERSKOVITZ,
February 3, 2002 12:00 AM

THE CONFLICT BETWEEN MY DAUGHTER S LIFE AND DEATH

I LOST MY DAUGHTER ABOUT 4 YEARS AGO FROM CYSTIC FIBROSIS SHE DIED IN MY ARMS EVERY DAY IS A STRUGGLE FOR I MISS HER BEYOND WORDS-BUT-I TRY TO UNDERSTAND ALL THAT SHE STOOD FOR IN THIS LIFE AND WHAT AN IMPACT SHE HAD ON EVERY ONE SHE TOUCHED-EVEN IF I DONT LIGHT CANDLES EVERY DAY AND JUST ON THE SPECIFIC TIMES GRIEF AND JOY GO HAND AND HAND MY QUESTION ON THE DAYS OF HER ANNIVERSARY OF HER DEATH-IS IT CONSIDERED WRONG NOT TO TOTALLY WITHDRAW FROM EVERY ONE AND EVERYTHING-
ISNT HER LIFE SUPPPOSE TO BE REMEMBERED FOR ALL THE JOY AND LOVE AND BLESSINGS SHE BROUGHT ME-I GRIEVE A PART OF ME EVERY DAY-THE DAY I LIGHT HER CANDLE AM I SUPPOSE TO BLEED INSIDE EVEN MORE-THERE IS NO GREATER PAIN THAN THE LOSS OF A CHILD ALTHOUGH I KNOW THAT SHE IS ALWAYS WITH ME AND BECAUSE OF THAT DOES SHE REALLY WANT TO SEE ME CRYING EVEN MORE THANK YOU FRANCINE HERSKOVITZ

(5)
Donna Reed,
September 28, 2001 12:00 AM

Grief and care

This article on Jewish grieving process was very helpful to me. My daughter-in-law lost her father one year ago in October and she keeps saying she feels as if she has not had time to grieve, because she keeps having to take care of her family and work, and life moves at such a fast pace. I know what she means because my workplace gave me unlimited time off to take care of my mother in her final illness and following her death. This was such a blessing. This custom is very beautiful and shows so much care from the communty of faithful. I am glad I found it on the internet. Thank you. Donna

(4)
Anonymous,
September 17, 2001 12:00 AM

Jewish Mourning

I wish more of the world followed this structure of mourning, making it "normal" and "expected" that people who are mourning will withdraw for a time.

When I lost my infant son, there were few who could share my memories. But on top of that, there were even fewer who wanted me to experience my own memories and loss.

The Jewish way of mourning offers much comfort and solace just because it gives people permission to mourn while also recognizing that people are unique in how they mourn.

I wish I would have had that permission then.

(3)
Oriel BenYerimiyahu,
September 13, 2001 12:00 AM

from one mourner to another

Considering the severety of what has happened recently, I do not now if I have family members who are alive now or not. I know that we all have lost some of our family in this tragedy. We are all family and the death of one or a thousand of us should never go un-noticed. I have chosen to do shiva even if they were not immediate family members. Unfortunately this means doing shive into Rosh HaShanah. I also have a question regarding YARTZEIT, my father died on Rosh HaShanah and it has alsways been difficult to celebrate Rosh HaShanah and remember my father's life. I am wondering if there is any word of encouragement that I might read concerning this. In addition, I know that many will have this dilema facing them this new year and feel that AISH has responded well. My thanks and my prayers go out for all of us in this time of need. May our King reign soon.

(2)
jenny rains,
August 27, 2001 12:00 AM

very helpful

This article was very helpful in understanding how to comfort others. I was never allowed to mourn for my mother as I needed to. My brother too turned it into a "party". I really just wanted to be left alone to remember her instead of being suffocated with meaningless small talk.
Often as I have dealt with families who have lost loved ones I too will remain silent and just sit with them. Many have told me later that just being there was enough. You're right, there really are no words.

(1)
Joanne Millstone,
August 26, 2001 12:00 AM

Thank you

How I wish that I had had the experience of how mourning is "supposed" to be done, rather than the way it was done for me. My aunt meant well, I guess, but she had the empathy of a, well, never mind. Yes, the shiva was for 3 days, and I was expected to go and be social right afterwards (I was 13 when I lost my mother) Yes, the shiva was more like a cocktail party. All that you said. And how I wish I was allowed to have time alone with G-d (or a spiritual person) to ask why my mother had to die and what was Life all about, anyway? I was denied this privilege of solitude, as my aunt considered it unhealthy. Because of that, carried the death of my mother much longer, more painfully, than perhaps necessary.

I want to know about the concept of "sin" due to Adam and Eve eating from the Tree of Knowledge. The Christian concept of sin revolves around the fall of the man and the "original sin." Does Judaism view it the same way?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Adam and Eve were punished according to their actions. In other words, God laid down the conditions for Adam and Eve to live in the garden, provided they would not eat from the Tree of Knowledge. However, if they were to eat from that tree they would be punished by experiencing death. (If they had not eaten from the tree, they would have remained immortal.)

This sets down the basic principle in Judaism of Reward and Punishment. Basic to this is that every person has the choice of doing good or bad. When a person chooses "good" – as defined by God – he is able to draw close to God. In other words, every individual has a chance to "gain salvation" through his own actions.

My understanding of Christianity, however, is that the Original Sin has infected all of mankind to the point where individuals are incapable of achieving salvation through their own initiative. Man is "totally depraved" and therefore his only hope of salvation is through the cross.

This belief is contrary to the teachings of Judaism. From the Torah perspective, an individual does not need to rely on anyone else to atone for them. In Judaism, sins can be "erased" altogether by sincere repentance and a firm resolution never to repeat the mistakes.

For more on this, read "Their Hollow Inheritances" by Michael Drazin – www.drazin.com

Yahrtzeit of Moses in 1273 BCE (Jewish year 2488), on the same day of his birth 120 years earlier. (Consequently, "May you live to 120" has become a common Jewish blessing.) Moses was born in Egypt at a time when Pharaoh had decreed that all Jewish baby boys be drowned in the Nile River. His mother set him afloat in a reed basket, where he was -- most ironically -- discovered by Pharaoh's daughter and brought to Pharaoh's palace to be raised. When Moses matured, his heart turned to aid the Jewish people; he killed an Egyptian who was beating a Jew, and he fled to Midian where he married and had two sons. God spoke to Moses at the Burning Bush, instructing him to return to Egypt and persuade Pharaoh to "let My people go." Moses led the Jews through the ten plagues, the Exodus, and the splitting of the Red Sea. Seven weeks later, the Jews arrived at Mount Sinai and received the Torah, the only time in human history that an entire nation experienced Divine revelation. Over the next 40 years, Moses led the Jews through wanderings in the desert, and supervised construction of the Tabernacle. Moses died before being allowed to enter the promised Land of Israel. He is regarded as the greatest prophet of all time.

Lack of gratitude is at the root of discontent. In order to be consistently serene, we must master the attribute of being grateful to the Creator for all His gifts. As the Torah (Deuteronomy 26:11) states, "Rejoice with all the good the Almighty has given you." This does not negate our wanting more. But it does mean that we have a constant feeling of gratitude since as long as we are alive, we always have a list of things for which to be grateful.

[Just before Moses' death] God said to him, "This is the Land that I promised to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob" (Deuteronomy 34:4).

The Midrash says that Moses pleaded to live long enough to be able to enter the Promised Land. He surrendered his soul only after God instructed him to enter Heaven and inform the Patriarchs that the Israelites had come to their Land and that God had indeed fulfilled His promise to give the Land of Israel to their descendants. To fulfill God's will was dearer to Moses than his craving to enter the Land.

It is only natural to cling to life, and the thought of leaving this world is depressing. However, if a person develops the attitude that he lives only in order to fulfill God's will, then life and death are no longer polar opposites, because he lives to do the will of God, and when that will requires that he leave this world, he will be equally obedient.

The seventh day of Adar is the anniversary of Moses' death. He wanted to enter the Promised Land so that he could fulfill the commandments and thereby have a new opportunity to fulfill the Divine wish. He surrendered his soul willingly when he was told that there was a special commandment for him to perform, one that could only be achieved after leaving this earth.

We refer to Moses as Rabbeinu, our teacher. He not only taught us didactically, but by means of everything he did in his life - and by his death, as well.

Today I shall...

try to dedicate my life to fulfilling the will of God, so that even when that will contradicts my personal desires, I can accept it with serenity.

With stories and insights,
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