Surviving rape

Thursday, January 23, 2014

I have been told that rapists get off on the pain that I have expressed here so I shouldn’t write this blog. I don't care what pathetic, disgusting little men who rape and the rest of them think or feel. I realize that I am not an individual or a human being for that matter and it was just a matter of opportunity that ended up in my being the particular victim this time but it was going to be someone and there have been many someones. So the rapists and others are welcomed to whatever enjoyment they derive from this because they simply do not matter. The truth is the truth is the truth and I'll stand by it because it will one day be of use. There is a gap for accounts of a drugged rape in the victim‘s voice with the particular terror of not knowing what was done to you and even more when the victimization continues with harassment. The victimization that has followed had far more impact on me than the rape since I cannot remember the actual rape. Funny, how most rape victims desperately try not to remember and drugged rape victims desperately want to remember. And how the not knowing allows the rapist to make up all kinds of scenarios that you have to wonder if they occurred because you do not know what happened while you were drugged. Most women who are sexually assaulted do nothing and if nothing else happens then they just put everything away. But that shit corrodes its holder often resulting self-destructive behaviors. I wonder how differently the rape would have affected me if the harassment at work had not occurred. All those people that think it not such a big deal to be raped are mistaking rape for sex and rape as a purely physical violation, which is ironically the easiest part to heal from.
The power for rapists lies in their being able to blame the victim (and in society’s compliance and in badgering the victim into silence. So as victims we need to rebel against society and loudly say I was a victim, it does not define me and I don't care what anyone believes. This will go a long way in empowering victims and taking some of the reward for rape from the rapist.

One tends to think of rape as a finite sexual assault but a lot of times, the physical rape is just the beginning of psychological "rape" specially if your assailant is a part of your work or social circle putting you in a no-win situation in which your silence won't protect you and reporting to your employer only leads to your employer encouraging the Rape Club to continue their harassment in the form of smear campaign of the victim. The rapist will continue to victimize you by harassing you and ruining your personal and professional reputation. You think that the rape was it but it turns out to be the beginning and you wonder why a stranger would want to do that to you. It is hard to explain what being subjected to these kinds things does to you. After the rape itself, just a lot of disbelief and numbness but later as I experienced the bullying I’ve come to know hatred, anger, disdain, repulsion, disgust and not just for the rapist and yes self-doubt, wondering what is so wrong with me that this is happening to me, what did I do in this life or maybe in another life that is so horrible that I deserve this hell.
The harassment is psychological and emotional rape so these creeps are really in paradise.

Rape is a hate crime. It is hatred of women and how victims are treated is symbolic of the status of women in the world. It is the view that women are not human beings only objects. Many women are raised to be good, to suffer in silence, to expect others to solve our problems and this is how we ought to not raise our daughters. The culture is inbued with the indoctrination of fairy tales, movies, love songs, etc. Marriage is looked at as some sort of female invention that women should want when in reality it is a male necessity. How else would they get a woman to bear their children, assure themselves that their DNA lives on. I am not even going to discuss TV land with its holographic simplistic portrayal of life that seems so real and it is so far from reality fostering mistaken beliefs about what really happens when a crime occurs and other things as well. The CSI fantasy.
The misogyny.

Rape just triggers the crisis that brings all your beliefs about yourself and the world out and forces you to examine them. Other people can experience the same thing to some degree with other kinds of violations such as identity theft, a loved one murdered, anything that is painful that you cannot disappear from, cannot do anything about, is clearly wrong yet you are the one who is mistreated because of it and then you find out the reality of what the majority of the world and its denizens are: perpetrators and cooperators. The harassment keeps you from locking the rape up in a box in your mind, throwing away the key and not dealing with it. The rape shatters you not because of the physical act of which you have no knowledge because of the drug but of your powerlessness and what it says about you because you became a target. Why didn't you realize this was going to happen? Why didn't you react differently? What did you do wrong to have this happen to you? It is not that someone put their penis in you against your will but that with that you realize that the world is not what you thought it was, that you have no rights, no safety, that whatever rules you followed and were supposed to keep you safe are an ilusion, that there are no laws, standards, ethics, or common decency. That the nasty people are not just the rapists. Decent people abide by certain standards with the expectation that others will abide too and will be dealt with if they don't. The whole thing is an illusion. You only find out when something happens to you. Rape, identity theft, all of these things are done with impunity. The consequences are only for the victim not for the perpetrators. Disbelief, numbness, revulsion, fear, disgust, distrust, hate, anger. These are the feelings and not only about the rapist's actions. The truth doesn't matter, what I say, who I am, what I do is nothing against that monster's and his nasty friend's lies and harassment. Who will be next?

Encouraging victims to come forward is presented as getting help for yourself. Do so knowing that it will be worse for you. There will be no positive or even neutral outcome 99% of the time and it is better to make decisions based on reality. Few rapes are reported and fewer result in any sort of consequence for the rapist. Frankly, the approach to rape is to blame the victim because it serves everyone's interests. The rapist's lies will be believed and the truth you speak will be disregarded because it is easier and more convenient. Mainly, I feel telling the truth regardless is important for our own mental health and self-respect, speak it and refuse to be cowed by the criminals. It is better for you than pretending that everything is all right. It is a very difficult thing to do and I hid too and only spoke out of necessity. I deferred to other's judgment that I should ignore it, pretend I knew, pretend it didn't affect me and in doing so it would make it go away -internally and externally. Victims' speaking out removes the shame and self-blame, the feeling that there is something wrong with you because you were selected for victimization and you "should have known what was going to happen" that victims feel and are made to feel by others, in essence, silencing you and silence is colluding with your own victimizers. There will be real consequences for your being unwilling to be a good little victim -you are inconvenient for everyone.

The company's approach to the rapes and harassment of the rape victims is to simply refuse to acknowledge it. They even got me to write down that I regreted having come to the company with what the rapist and his cronies were doing to me at work. I had already realized that the rapists were protected and there would not even be an attempt to stop the psychos from continuing and that's why I wrote the letter to the DVD threat. I am helpless against a gang of rapists who have no fear of any consequences for their actions and who are cowards that hide in the safety of anonymity because you do not know who they are. There is always God but those people are godless maybe the Devil will have his due.
I am sure that the porn/threatening DVD incident was not investigated but I was, although, that I was raped never seem to be in question only that I deserved it or knowingly ingested a spiked drink, in other words, how what happened was my fault so shut up and take it. And that I was overreacting to the contents of the DVD i.e. a porn clip of woman and three men doing what I didn't even know was possible to do, a picture of a corpse with a large stick up his privates, a picture of bones in the woods -the kind they might find when they find the remains of a murdered woman, a recording of a woman calling the police and a bunch of clips of animals having sex, and a file on whistleblowers. That DVD placed in my bag is specifically meant to be mocking, threatening and secondary wounding as well as basic sexual harassment since there is nobody on this earth that would not find this DVD at the very least inappropriate, instead, I am asked why I find it offensive and scary. I wasn't even asking for acknowledgement only that something be done in what is their responsibility which is the sexual harassment at work.
My suspicion is that that DVD came from Corporate Security.
It is not surprising that rape and other behaviors are on the rise as there are no consequences. The fact is the rapists are free to do what they want but at least I won't be complicit in my own victimization and in the future victimizations of others. I'll have no guilt for not having stood up for myself and for not doing something to stop it from happening to others. The difference between now and two hundred years ago or a thousand years ago is that everybody knew the truth of how things were and people knew exactly where they stood. A little interesting tidbit that I picked up I don't know where in my reading, the Inuit were asked if they had a word for the type of individual we call a psychopath and they did then they were asked what they did about such individuals and they replied that someone would push him into the water when noone was looking.
I just couldn't imagine that these people are protected. The official stance is it is just another little woman who gives a shit what happens to her. Ignore charges of rape and horrific harassment. Lying little woman, a woman deserves to get raped, who cares anyway, isn't that always the case, a woman is not given any credence, a man say the sky is red and that's just the truth a woman says it's blue and she is suspect a liar, crazy or a whore. It is hard to be speaking and nobody is listening and people don't even have enough sense to look and think for themselves. It is hard to be invisible.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Interesting blog useful to those of us who have experienced or are experiencing a situation like mine. I specially like the term "corporate bullies". My term for drugging rapists is "the defectives".
http://happinessblog.com/2007/evil-people/

http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/bully.htm#Target_profile
Gang bullying is a serial bully with colleagues. Gangs can occur anywhere, but flourish in corporate bullying climates. If the bully is an extrovert, they are likely to be leading from the front; they may also be a shouter and screamer, and thus easily identifiable (and recordable on tape and video-able). If the bully is an introvert, that person will be in the background initiating the mayhem but probably not taking an active part, and may thus be harder to identify. A common tactic of this type of bully is to tell everybody a different story - usually about what others are alleged to have said about that person - and encourage each person to think they are the only one with the correct story. Introvert bullies are the most dangerous bullies.
Half the people in the gang are happy for the opportunity to behave badly, they gain gratification from the feeling of power and control, and enjoy the patronage, protection and reward from the serial bully. The other half of the gang are coerced into joining in, usually through fear of being the next target if they don't. If anything backfires, one of these coercees will be the scapegoat and sacrificial lamb on whom enraged targets will be encouraged to vent their anger. The serial bully watches from a safe distance. Serial bullies gain a great deal of gratification from encouraging and watching others engage in conflict, especially those who might otherwise pool negative information about them.
Gang bullying or group bullying is often called mobbing and usually involves scapegoating and victimisation.
From
http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/bully.htm#Target_profile

Corporate bullying is merely an expedient way of "dealing" with a serious problem where a company has liabilities due to its knowledge of criminal acts. Label victim a whore therefore there are no roofies, rapes or crimes. The credibility and reputation of the victim must be destroyed. The boots on the ground are the pre-terminations, termination, FMLA abusers etc and of course, the members of the rape club. God help all the new ones.

The wisdom of Holocaust survivor Alice Herz-Sommer. The spirit within is all. No matter what's around you. BEAUTIFUL TRUTH!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tag/alice-herz-sommer

"Never get angry, even with someone who has deliberately and maliciously harmed you. You should be grateful to such a person for helping you to purify your past negative actions, to increase your determination to be free from samsara and to develop love and compasion."
Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Drug-facilitated rape: Looking for the missing pieces byNora Fitzgerald is a Social Science Analyst at the National Institute of Justice.K. Jack Riley, Ph.D., is Director of the Criminal Justice Program at RAND.https://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/jr000243c.pdfThe above is good information and within it is this article "The unique problems of not rememberingLEARNING FROM VICTIMS" https://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/jr000243c.pdf on page 4 by Gail Abarbanel, LVSW in which she explains a lot of the unique problems for victims of drug-facilitated rape specially in which the victim has no memory of the sexual assault.

One of the key points is how the victim is prevented from exercising self-defense during and after the assault because there is no memory. Drugging someone should be considered a crime in itself. There is more psychological trauma as a victim of drugged rape because there is no memory of the rape and you imagine the worst and you are unable to trust anyone because you do not know who else may have been involved. I highly recommend reading "Learning from Victims" as people seem to think that not knowing what happened to you makes drugged rape less traumatic than violent rape when it is way worse.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

I have never dated or been the girlfriend of Michel Quilis or any other employee of this airline or airport. I have never consented to have naked pictures or anything else of the sort with anyone anywhere EVER. Anything of the sort is evidence of rape and should be sent to the Fort Lauderdale Sexual Crimes Unit - Detective Hendel. All I want is to be left alone but that is not happening since I represent a threat to this airline and the rape club/drug mafia because I am a credible person and I went to the police. This is how the rape problem is handled. Welcome to this airline where the rapists are protected and the rape victims are retaliated against.And why not further abuse the rape victim when there are not only no consequences but guaranteed protection for rapists. We are truly in a world run by the devil. The Rape Club continues to drug and rape, harass, stalk and blackmail victims into complying with their demands and all continues to be covered up. Revolting creeps. I want there to be no more victims. I don't want someone to die from an overdose of rape drugs. Your buddy in JFK corporate security won't be able save you from that. This is what is going to happen and this blog is for the record and for the silent victims, the blackmailed compliant victims and for those who have refused to participate in this evil. The evil that you do cannot be absolved by calling it "your job" or you've got to save yourself. It is dirty, immoral and it will come back to you. Lies cannot change the truth. Nothing good can be built on lies and evil. May your bodies rot just like your souls are rotten. You can't get the evil out of them but you can get others to see the evil in them.
A rapist knows what he is and he cannot lie to himself about what he is as he is able to lie to others about what he is. Corporate Security can slander the victim to 'take care' of the rape problem. Sexual predators will continue preying and in time they get caught and this blog stays here as a testament to the truth, to what was done to me and as precedent and support. I am here to stay.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Letting go has been a dreaded thing because of my mistaken belief that evil should be stopped and to let go represented some kind of permission and acceptance of evil. I cannot expect people who commit this kind of crime to realize and repent for what they have done. I cannot expect anybody to help me. I cannot help myself because I do not know what happened or know who else so I don't know what to address and who else to ask. I cannot expect a corporation to have any ethics or humanity and stop the sexual harassment. Victims can sue and rapists can't. Just another injustice where the evil write the history and the victims are not even acknowledged. I can only heal myself and go on with my life. I am letting go even though the harrassment continues.

Sadly, I am the one who doesn't know what was done to me and doesn't have an idea of what is in those pictures or whatever it is that is being used to harrass me. It took me a while to come to that realization both from an emotional blockage and from simply not having any memory after having been drugged and naturally assuming that a criminal would not advertise his crime. It was just too horrible to contemplate. I can accept it now even though I still do not know what happened or whether there was more than one attacker although from what I hear there were. I was in disbelief for a long time.

I am helpless against a group of people of whom I only know the person who drugged me. I am helpless because I can be looking at them in the face and I do not know who they are. I am helpless against stalking. I helpless against people who are so evil that they are able to manipulate against the victim with the very crime they committed, I am helpless against people who unquestioningly accept what these people say and do not think for themselves. I am helpless because I do not know what happened. I am helpless against a corporation whose only interest is avoiding being sued because what is happening is so widespread and so horrific. I still don't understand why they don't simply try to remedy the source of the problem and not the results perhaps because they are up to their necks in the shit. You have to trust in that God will take care of things.

I know these rapists will continue to assault any unfortunate woman or man they can drug. This blog was from my perspective as I came to realization of what the overall thing was which I could not have imagined from the beginning as what happened to me and others is out of insane minds. It doesn’t matter what anybody chooses to believe and that these people's lies are believed. Time will tell because none of these rapists are going to stop and as usual they will get away with it for many years but there will come a time when they won’t and I want that victim(s) to have my testimony so that they have knowledge and they are able to defend themselves. I refuse to be intimidated anymore. I free myself of this nightmare. The harassment and stalking will not make me suffer anymore. Nothing can be done to me that will make me a compliant victim or a mental case and if I am murdered as threatened by the DVD placed in my suitcase by one of the rape club members then I shall simply have to die. You have no power over me.

These rapist work by isolating the victim and discrediting her (or him too actually) by using the rape itself and by the victim‘s lack of memory of the actual rape. It is almost like domestic abuse except that the victim is a stranger and the perpetrators many and often unknown to the victim, actually that's called bullying, work mobbing, group stalking. I wonder if their wives are subjected to domestic abuse or if they unload their hatred of women and inferiority complex on strangers. They must really get off on that more than on the rape. These are real cowards even for rapists because they must drug their victims to rape them thus assuring their anonymity and safety. Rape is not for sex but for the power of destroying someone or trying to anyway.The MO is to use pictures obtained during the rape to harass, intimidate, control and further abuse the victim and to give the victim a reputation to hurt her credibility. They can lie and I have limited information. They are many and unknown. "It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of the pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering." Judith Herman, M.D.

I resent that my privacy has been taken from me and not only because of those pictures and unbearable attention they bring but because I am forced to talk publicly about my rape. And yes I resent that I don't even know what's in those pictures or who aside from Michel Quilis. I resent that nobody has had the decency to give those to me so I can turn them over to the police. The question also becomes when rape and harassment won't be enough and the assaults progress to beatings and then murder for some future victim as serial rapists and criminals generally need more to achieve whatever it is that they get out of their crimes.

It is very painful for me. I let go because I have to for my own physical and psychological well being. I cannot forgive the unforgivable. Enough has been taken from me. My soul remains whole. My faith in God remains. Nobody can escape judgment from God.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

"An error does not become truth by reason of multiplied propagation, nor does truth become error because nobody sees it."Mohandas Gandhi"Non-cooperation with evil is as much a duty as is cooperation with good."Mohandas Gandhi

Overall, the feeling that is left is revulsion. Revulsion for the rapists, for this company, for the people who cover for these criminals and allow them to continue to assault and victimize with impunity. The hope is that each and everyone suffer for their own actions in the measure of their guilt.My advice to rape victims is to not look for help just help yourself. Rapes, abuses, incest are a dime a dozen from the Vatican on down and it seems nobody has a care about the damage that the victim suffers. It is not even about fairness to the accused but downright covering up for them. It is all about how things are going to be denied and hidden effectively cooperating in one of the most destructive things that can be done to a person. I'd say it is worse than murder because the person is left alive to suffer. It is no surprise how these people continue and their crimes become worse as the victims pile up. One day the victim might be someone you love and then it won't be okay. What has become of this world that rape is okay? That it is a pastime laughing at the rape girl. That rape is sexy when it is murder of the soul. Men are truly the most revolting creatures.How can I have known that he was going to spike my drink and rape me and then continue to psychologically rape me? How can I know if and most likely that others were involved? How can I know who those others are? Don't trust anyone you haven't known for years and you won't get to know anyone because you haven't known them for years. Impossible. Everyone is suspect because it only takes one time of something like this to make you distrust everyone for the rest of your life. It is impossible to be on your guard against someone putting something in your drink or food and you are defenseless once you are drugged while you are drugged and afterwards in your ability to know what happened. It is impossible to realize that this is more that one sicko but a whole bunch of them and that for them it is rape and drugs for fun and profit. The nature of the flight attendant job means working with new coworkers constantly which makes coming to work like the first day of prison. This blog is a response to the harrassment.Michel Quilis has been identified to this company and to the Fort Lauderdale Sexual Crimes Unit as a SEXUAL PREDATOR. Which victim will be the next to report you to the police? What lies are going to serve you now? When will one of the others spill the beans to save themselves? The police have no interest in covering for you. It was a premeditated attack for me as for most victims. There is no spontaneous "I think I'll drug her since she won't put out. Let's see where is the horse tranquilizer or the GHB or the scopolamine". I was set up from the moment he met me on that trip and wanted a crew picture for his crew album. It didn't occur to me at the time why he would want someone who he just worked a couple of legs with in his crew album -all before the rape.Be AWARE that you are being TARGETED for sexual assault and the crew picture will be used to claim you are a girlfriend which does not make any difference in the criminality of the whole thing but it is a lie that turns my stomach- that I could possibly in any way associate with an evil disgusting individual like that. Be careful of certain women who will befriend you as well since they are a part of it I don't whether through hook or crook.What people fail to realize is that rape is not sexual. Rape happens to make the rapist feel powerful, better about himself and the target of rape is chosen because of just random opportunity or targeted because the person reminds the rapist of a quality or person that he hates. The wish is to destroy or feel power over a person using rape not have sex with the person. Rape is a hate crime.Funny, how most rape victims desperately try not to remember and drugged rape victims desperately want to remember. And how the not knowing allows the rapist to make up all kinds of scenarios that you have to wonder if they occurred because you do not know what happened while you were drugged. All those people that think it not such a big deal to be raped are mistaking rape for sex and rape as a purely physical violation, which is ironically the easiest part to heal from.Why would he tell the truth? What is he going to say this is my latest rape? Of course, he is going to lie but naturally whatever a man spews is all to be believed. And what truth could make any of this okay. "Oh, it's your girlfriend/wife/child, well then it's all right, let me sharpen that knife for you." or "that was years ago let's just forget it." People like this don't stop. They've got no reason to. I'll continue to stand by the truth because the time will come when my testimony will make the difference. I'll continue to stand by the truth because I've got no choice.You are a rapist, a nasty sicko and obviously you have major issues with women and inferiority. The consequences of your actions will never go away for you just like I have to suffer the consequences of YOUR actions and you will continue to drug and rape because that is what you are but eventually there will be enough of us to stop you.You are insane, evil and dangerous. I pity your wife and kids if this is what you have done to a stranger who has done nothing to you. All the evil that you have done will come back to you.

Well, a flight attendant was arrested bringing in Extasy and Ketamine. I wonder if that's what I was drugged with or was it the zombie drug -Scopolamine. Drug traficking is the money part of this business. The flight attendant job is ideal specially if you can threaten a lot of people into being mules so that there is no consistent person but a variety of people who are not mules by choice but are blackmailed into it. I wonder what the real story is.

Monday, September 28, 2009

How is one suppose to know who, when and where is the rape going to occur? Hindsight is 20/20. How many dates have you being on and places have you been that would have resulted in rape had the other party being a rapist? How many women regularly engage in risky behaviors such as getting drunk etc and never get raped? Ask the rape victims and the circumstances are varied. All behavior is a risky behavior for a rapist -save staying in your home fortified, alone, and constantly vigilant for a possible assault- don't get the plumbing fixed, don't have a sofa delivered. Dating is extremely risky. No woman would ever date if she wanted to avoid being at risk. I think as to a man inadvently raping a woman by mistaking the signals, again you are confusing rape with sex, when a man spikes a drink he knows perfectly well that there is no consent. The reality is that it is pretty easy to know when someone wants to have sex. The fact is that the risk and fatal flaw is being a woman that has being targeted by a rapist.Frankly, it is worse when you know all these people know what has been done to you and they simply do nothing and sometimes worse than nothing. It is nicer to believe that if you just had ...[insert here your self blame and other's blame of what you should have done and when] then it wouldn't have happened to you. Of course, the victim is responsible because what else can be expected for rapists to do than rape. Rapists want to rape and the victim doesn't want to be raped therefore the victim has the guilt for not avoiding the rape. It is what it amounts to.

The fact is that the risk and fatal flaw is being a woman (less commonly a man) that has being targeted by a rapist.These are evil evil people. True evil in that the motivation is simply to damage, to inflict pain on others. Yeah, you can psychologize that they are inferior as men thus they rape to make themselves feel like they are something but reasons are not excuses and they are the most cowardly since they not only abuse someone's body but use drugs to rob a person's mind at least with a gun or a knife a rapist is respecting your mind and acknowledging that you are unwilling.

I thought about why would another individual other than the rapist would risk their job for another person to harass me specially with a DVD containing a porn clip and threatening content such as a corpse with stick up the privates and bones in a forest floor which reminds one when bodies are found in the woods. I guess the message was that I was going to be raped again and murdered this time. Rather serious so I concluded that this person must be drugging and raping himself so has a vested interest in threatening me. I was told by the airline that I could not work if I felt unsafe so I could not say that I felt threatened and the investigator herself did not feel threatened or harassed by the contents of the DVD. Another point of interest is that the airline´s investigator said that prints cannot be lifted from a DVD disc when I can plainly see the prints and why wasn´t the security tape from Quito used when it shows the individual placing the DVD in my suitcase. I even wonder if that individual was ever even asked about it just as the witneses I gave from other incidents were never questioned. It became clear to me from the first time I reported the harassment that there was no way it was ever going to be acknowledged but I was stupid enough to believe that it was in the airline´s own interests to put an end to the sexual assaults being committed by its employees and there are lots of ways to handle that if you want to do the right thing instead they choose to cover for the rapists because the rapists are everywhere and they have the goods on people. These people have been getting away with sexual assault and they become more dangerous each time.The effort and pain that it takes to come forward. You suspect that there must be something wrong with you to have been picked as a victim. Very few rapes are brought to any sort of justice or have any cost for the rapists so it is not surprising that the epidemic continues despite that we keep telling people to report and they just end up revictimized. A lesson I have learned from this is not to expect any help and to help yourself. Unfortunately, it takes all of what has happened in addition to the rape to come to that realization. A lot of us seem to be naive, unequipped to respond to aggression with the belief in the goodness of humanity and that makes us targets. I know I was such a person before the rape and this is what the rape has taught me not to be. I have said that I always knew there were rapists but I never knew there were so many people willing to assist rapists. Blackmail or whatever, I don't care what the excuse is. I would definitely do things differently if I knew then what I know now.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

I am going to post the letter that I wrote since the company has suspended me with pay over it or maybe because of the blog I wrote that letter because to have not said anything would be construed as some sort approval I haven't gotten a straight answer yet and this DVD is beyond disgusting. The rationale for the suspension is that I put Flight 967 in the letter to the pilots which I posted because of the suspension and according to them Googling Flight 967 brings up American Airlines name which is against company policy. However, when you google Flight 967 you get many Flights 967 from many airlines. I asked the other crew members on that flight about what they knew about the DVD and I would have done the same with the pilots if they had been on my next trip. I am not going to remain quiet when somebody puts a porn/threatening DVD in my suitcase. I did not turn it in to the company and wrote the letter instead because I needed to make sure that the issue was addressed.Is this what this person thinks I like and just where did they get that idea? Or it doesn‘t matter because that‘s what‘s going to happen to me anyway? Is it an invitation, a threat, or simply to make sure I am remain scared and miserable? The reality is that the damage would be to me not to anybody else. I can't afford to do nothing. This is not a single incident. This is part of a pattern of incidents. Every time I think this is done something else happens. I am tired of it. I have tried the 'ignore it' method before and it just doesn't work. I was perfectly polite about it as I always am. I try to have minimal interaction with pilots, as I would with straight male flight attendants if I could avoid them completely, so that nobody can miscontrue simple politeness or friendliness for some sort of invitation. I have had too many experiences where I thought that somebody was okay and then they have made a sexual comment, tried to go home with me or touched me inappropriately for no reason. I have always behaved in the manner I was reared: overly polite and stony-faced even in the face of other's disrespectful words or behavior.

I am posting the letter I put in the pilots' mailboxes because ONE of them turned it over to the Chief Pilot which is perfectly understandable and correct. This has made the company very angry and they have suspended me with pay for writing the letter. I suppose the rapist's version of events is a more convenient one. I apologize if they feel threatened by this letter as that was not my intention. I had no expectation that the person who put the DVD was going to admit to it. My intention was to let it be known that I did not find it funny if whoever put the DVD there thought it was joke and that wouldn't be funny for any woman but especially for one who has been raped and sexually harassed. I wanted to communicate that I am not scared if it was meant as a real or an empty threat. I do take it seriously and I take all safety precautions that I can but I realize that there is just so much I can do.

Another possibility is that this person thought that's what I like and I definitely must let it be known that is not the case. Finally, this person might think I am the woman in that porn DVD, given that it is very short and the dark haired woman's face is only glimpsed. I originally thought this the most likely explanation after googling "airtight" and finding that that is referred to as a "tupperware party",and having had a very strange invitation to a Tupperware party some time ago, and knowing that there are nasty pictures or video of the rape out there. How do I know such pictures or video exists? People have told me, part of the police recording of the phone conversation, it is consistent with the behavior of power rapists, it is consistent with the sexual comments and inappropriate behavior that I have been experiencing since the rape but never experienced before the rape.

THIS IS THE LETTER:My name is Ana Arguelles. I was FA #4 on Flight [ ] 14 June. You may think I am crazy but I no longer care what anyone thinks they know about me and I feel I must respond to this particular incident. Somebody put a DVD in my suitcase at some point before, during, or after that flight. This DVD contained a pornographic clip of a woman with three men. You may or may not be familiar with my situation. I was drugged and raped by a FA three years ago and I have no memory of a large portion of that night. You can go to my blog at http://surviverape.blogspot.com/ should you wish to know the story in more depth.

I have been told there were nasty pictures of me circulating which can only come from the night I was drugged as I have never and would never allow naked or pornographic pictures to be taken of me. I have had a lot of problems with come-ons and sexual harassment from a lot of pilots and FAs since then to the point that I am afraid for my safety. I am certain there isn’t anybody more unsexy and aloof than I am so I couldn‘t possibly be unintentionally inviting this unwanted attention.

I am guessing that this clip is supposed to either play with my mind and fears or show me what is being passed around and purported to be me. Playing on what I don’t know because my right to memory was stolen from me. Imagine my trepidation when I placed the DVD in the computer when I got home on Tuesday. I sat down and braced myself for the worst. The fear, wondering what I am going to see and just wanting to get it over with and finally just know. I was certainly shocked but I am happy to say it is not me. Sad that I have that doubt. But this says to me that if he has to use a fake tape to terrorize me then whatever he has from that night is not good enough and probably showing me obviously drugged. At least, I know this much more now. I am no longer scared of any of you. So whatever your intention, if it was you, I thank you."

What's at stake here? Why would anyone risk putting a porn DVD in the suitcase of a person whom they do not know? The particular selection of material some pornographic and some creepy corpse and bones is bizarre and threatening. I would definitely worry about the judgment of such a person. A bizarre selection from a bizarre mind(s). My guess that the pilot who reported is not the guilty one. What's the motivation? You must believe that you are incurring no risk even if you get caught nothing will really happen to you (knowledge from prior experience?). My having reported the rape wouldn't be such a big deal if it were as Michel Quilis claims and Michel Quilis is nothing so obviously I think this is a big mess of perpetrators and victims. I am looking forward to the time when the ship starts sinking and the rats start scrambling out. Who is going down with that ship? Who is the fall guy?I have found out who put the threatening DVD in my suitcase. Corporate security would not get the security tape from the Quito hotel that shows James Laufer putting that DVD in my suitcase and according to them the obvious fingerprints on the DVD cannot be lifted and identified. It has become obvious to me that the solution to the rape problem at this company is to threaten the rape victim and to cover for the rapists so I have kept them both as my insurance. I wonder if James Laufer is "just" a rapist or is he one of my rapists or a messenger boy from corporate security?

Monday, June 22, 2009

Who could believe that one single day could change so much? My primary mistake was thinking that that night was it and how much could that affect me if I don‘t remember it and a criminal wasn't going to advertise his crime. It is the typical misunderstanding of what motivates people like you and how a person reacts that has been violated. You go around pretending I am your girlfriend to cover up what you did and making up disgusting stories and of course to boast so how else are you going to justify it. Very clever. How many times have you made up that excuse and not that that excuses anything much less drugging and raping someone. Nasty pathetic man with made up girlfriends whom he actually drugged up to rape them. I don't even think you pretend to yourself that your rape victims are your girlfriends. You get off on further insulting your victims by getting other people to believe that they are or were your girlfriend. It is actually part of the rape.At the beginning, I thought fine I’ll just wait it out. Who’s going to actually believe this stuff? It was quite a while before I found out I was supposed to be your girlfriend. The recording of the phone call proves that is not the case. You STILL had no right even if I had been so stupid as to have been your girlfriend. You were inciting others to rape me again by your lies. You unleashed all the stupid adolescent stuff and the downright scary stuff from your kind and the rest of the sterling males of this airline that have been a part of my work life since I was unfortunate enough to have become a target for you and your cronies. It was a while before I realized there were cronies too. So much sickness. You were the only one present before I was drugged and when I woke up so it's you that I can name, as for the rest, I don't know what the truth is and what is meant as psychological abuse.

In the past, you would have simply been called evil. But today we avoid the moral judgment and call you mentally ill. You are a rapist and a certain type of stalker. I can’t figure what motivates you. Perhaps a deep sense of inadequacy? You could have just walked away like you have before. The women are nearly always silent. You are a very good liar and manipulator but you know the truth. You don’t believe your own lies. I would not be forced to be your “girlfriend” like the others. That really pissed you off, didn’t it? How dare little Ana reject the “great” Michel Quilis. You are truly deluded. Your girlfriend? That really pisses me off. I have no such self-esteem problems. Did you actually think you were going to see me again? You underestimated me if you were hoping that what you and your cronies did in order to psychologically undermined me, would destroy me. You do not define me. You are just a pathetic little man who can only get off by drugging a woman specially a woman that won’t have him because she considers him a dirt bag and a freak which by most people’s standards he is. Tell me what is it about you that any woman would want? You find it necessary to drug a woman so you already know the answer to that.

In the final analysis, rape is about power. Why wasn’t I crying, carrying on, screaming “rapist”. Why wasn’t I looking miserable and acting hysterical. How dare I not be affected by Michel Quilis! I was ruining the power trip. Hmm, she can’t remember. I can force her to be my girlfriend. Oh no, she can’t get away from me fast enough so it is necessary to do more to make her miserable. It went beyond discrediting me so I wouldn’t be believed, after all, it was what finally drove me to action. And they say rape is not about power. If it was about sex, he would have tried to have sex by asking me and maybe I would have said yes. I would like to think that if I gotten to know this person I would have had enough sense to say no. If it was about sex, he would have left me alone after he raped me. If it was about sex, he would have come after me just enough to scare me into silence. I wasn’t talking so that wouldn’t have taken much effort.

It was really hard to deal with finding out everything that I believed the world and most people to be was absolutely wrong. I always knew there were people like you. I just never knew there were so many just plain rotten people who pretend to themselves and others that they are decent human beings. Ninety percent of people take the shape of the container in which they are poured. No ethics, no morals, no boundaries, no limits. It was painful to restructure my world view. It was even harder to come to terms with the fact that I’ll never know what happened.

I’ll tell you the positive things this experience has done for me. I trust myself completely now like I never have before. I do not respect authority as I have seen that there is no ethics or even simple humanity. I doubt everyone and everything that anyone has to say. I no longer feel I must be polite regardless. I also realize that my upbringing of keeping my emotions hidden and being slow to react has done well by me. I was always very independent but now I am where no one can get to me. I am no longer affected by what other people think. Sure I feel it and get angry but it passes quickly. I KNOW and the time will come when they'll know. I value my own character upon realizing that honesty, compassion, simple decency and empathy is not such common thing after all. I also value much more those people who have shown to me that they are people of character. The rest I discard.

You have found the most congenial place for your pathology. No where else will what is to your advantage coincide with the interests of so many of your coworkers and of a company. It took me a long time to realize I was not up against the one lone psycho. Who could believe such a thing? Good for you that you have so many willing to cover for you here at this Airline. But one day they will all melt away from you for the same reason they aid you now to hide their own corruption. I suppose you will take them down with you. One day you will overdose someone and they will die. One day there will be another one just like me. I am on the record and I will contribute my testimony to your conviction. I hope that everyone receives everything they deserve. God's will be done. Nothing lasts forever.

I guess this therapeutic exercise of writing a letter to the rapist is more a letter to rapists. Apparently, what has happened to me is common enough. Again rape is not sex because sex is by definition consensual and enjoyable to both parties and naturally both parties must be conscious and aware so slipping someone a mickey and then claiming consent because they did not resist does not qualify. The issue is woman hating and feelings of inferiority.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I don't know what's going on here at the asylum for the criminally insane. I have a feeling this is some kind of game for someone(s). The object is perhaps to shut me up. You've succeeded with the DVD if the intent was to shock me. It is just more harassment that to me indicates you've got nothing better than a clip downloaded from the Internet. It is not scaring me anymore. I don't believe you. It endlessly surprises me how many people are willing to participate in this insanity.Somebody placed a DVD containing a pornographic clip of a woman with three men plus some other odd, threatening and creepy stuff in my suitcase during or after a flight. I thank that person no matter what motivated them. I am guessing that this is supposed to either play with my mind and fears or show me what is being passed around and purported to be me. It is hard to respond to what you don't know exists and what in fact may not exist. It is hard to respond to what someone says you did when you don't know what they are saying you did and in fact when it didn't happen. The last thing I expected was the rapist to go on and on boasting about what he did (and didn't do) however reformatted his take on it was. It shows how sure he and the rest of them are that they can do whatever they want with impunity. They are right.

I thought of the possible implications of having such a DVD placed in my bag, that the woman has a general resemblance to me, and that the woman is not me. It hit me that this is what has been going on. This is what I've been told about. Clever choice brief, a face that is only glimpsed and a shocking content that would advert most women's eyes and draw many men's eyes to the exclusion of any other detail. It looks rather painful as well. This said to me that if he has to use a fake tape to terrorize me then whatever he has or can show from that night is not convincing enough probably showing a drugged woman. Come on, why keep it a secret from me? Let me see it. Imagine how you would enjoy seeing my embarrassment but I guess it is fun that I don't know. There is nothing I can do anyway.In rereading this I see some things. I had hoped that the DVD would be from my rape so I could find out what happened, that the contents of the DVD shocked me but it was not me and that some small part of me was still hoping things weren't as bad as I thought them.

I googled the "AirTight" pornographic clip. I thought air tight referred to aviation and/or farting. I found out that the sex act in that clip is also referred to as a Tupperware Party. Thank God I only use Pyrex, Anchorware or Martha Stewart glass containers and that "the Martha Stewart" does not refer to some depraved sexual act. I could have easily said I love Martha Stewart because I do love Martha Stewart. Some fool at work kept insisting about a Tupperware party not too long ago. I said do they still make Tupperware brand and have parties? I didn't want to be rude but I finally said I ONLY use Pyrex. I am sure the fool went on line to find out about Pyrex, FYI : a glass container suitable for heating food in the oven or microwave. No, Toto we are not in Kansas anymore. We are not EVEN in the same planet. I had to laugh about that one.

I must say that I don’t even get how anyone becomes addicted to porn after spending a couple of hours searching through this online porn crap for the amateur clip that was placed in my bag. True that I am searching for something and wondering how many of these women are actually victims though truthfully the vast majority seem to be professionals. I don't see how anyone becomes addicted. It gets old pretty quickly but I see how certain men end up moving on to doing more deviant criminal things because at first you are shocked, then you are like oh that again and finally yeah so what. Click. The pornography I found online was 99% demeaning to women. It promotes the view of females as objects for the male,s pleasure and their pleasure is not sex per se but abuse and humilation in the quest I suppose of feeling some kind of self worth and power. I am not surprised that things like rape clubs have become so prevalent.

Another of the things that amazed me during this whole nightmare. Why in the world would I bother pretending to be someone I am not? For whose benefit? I am a free woman I can do whatever I want but I don't want. I resent anyone saying that I do or pretending that I do for their own benefit. Sex has its place in life and for me that place is within a good relationship.

I am not the same person who was attacked and remained quiet hoping to be left alone, unable to respond, helpless to do anything, looking for help, thinking there would be help. I was a victim once and never again so if that was the aim there are no more tears here to see or shame for having being raped. What you have accomplished is letting me know that whatever you have from the night you drugged me is not good enough. It occurs to me that the point of letting me see this DVD was so that I would be embarrassed and ashamed thinking that other people believed that I was capable of something so disgusting. The fact is that I no longer care what anybody believes. I know the truth. I am only concerned for my physical safety. That's the reason I avoid pilots and certain male flight attendants as much as possible so as to make sure there is no misinterpretation of simple normal friendliness. Truthfully, I can't help but think about how they might be sickos too. There are just so many deviant rotten people in this airline.

I had begun to let go and simply leave my blog and testimony for a future victim to use. I was prepared to stop fighting and simply go to work and be oblivious but this DVD makes me rethink that. It doesn't consume me emotionally anymore the rape and its follow up psychological assault but it does seem that I am meant to continue this fight. No more shame and I should have knowns. I was naive precisely why I was targeted as a victim. I didn’t know what would happen then or after. Nobody actually believes that they are going to be drugged and assaulted until it happens to them. You always think that it is something that happens to someone else somewhere else. I was ill equipped to deal with so much evil.

None of that. It is all done with. Michel Quilis is a sick bastard but this has gotten way beyond him. He should have stuck to his usual drug ’em and rape ’em and keep it among the other sicko assholes. I am not going away so you better deal with it. I will continue to warn women. It works regardless of whether I am believed or not. I am drying up the victim pool. It will come around. I have never been the person that someone else wanted me to be. I am not going to be the good little victim. I will follow my path step by step to where God wants me to go. Perhaps for my own growth or to put an end to this evil or both.

I was naïve but not any more than most women. The kind of mindset to protect yourself from this kind of attack basically requires you to have gone through what I have and that mindset precludes trusting anyone. Never in my life would I have believed that there were more than a few rapists within this company and that they needn‘t hide their activities because they cover for each other and the airline covers for them as well. They make sure to make the women who report a rape, most of which involve the spiking of drinks, are portrayed as whores and/or nutcases or whatever plausible story the group can concoct. You are threatened with being raped again, mocked about the rape and that you don’t know who and what was done. All of it are techniques used to silence the victim, to provoke her into reactions that make her appear unreasonable and unstable, to keep her in fear, to isolate her, to reinforce her helplessness. It is their power trip. Only sexual assault victims and rapists know the damage caused by sexual assault.I am still amazed at the A300 pilot who spent over ten minutes in the lavatory when we were in the middle of a first class service (necessary timing as to have no witnesses to contradict the lie since after the service there would be other flight attendants around). I thought I better spray room freshener in the lavatory because he must have a bad case of food poisoning, as it turns out there was no smell. Then I thought he was doing drugs in there. Later, I found out that this pilot was alleging that I had done something with him. I don’t know this person just like I don't know any of the others and there is no reason for him to do that or for me to imagine what he would do that. I had not told anyone about the rape yet (and had no intention of telling) so it was not part of the revenge for reporting.I couldn't believe what had been happening. Why would a stranger bother to pretend something happened that did not? It couldn’t be because they thought I was falsely accusing Michel Quilis of rape because many of these incidents predate my having said anything to anyone. It wasn’t because they got any encouragement from me, in fact, in many of these incidents they never even bother hitting on me which would be the logical thing if you really believed you were going to get somewhere. Many times I have no idea who that person is or even met them for that matter. I only find out later from somebody what supposedly happened. It was only necessary to make it appear so. Why? What possible interest could those individuals have in making things appear a certain way. There is one explanation and that is that they shop at the same pharmacy and make the same use of certain kind of drugs as Michel Quilis. It would make sense as a defense except they were pretending long before there was anything to defend against. I hadn’t said anything, in fact, it was those very incidents and rumors that finally drove me to speak out. I know each and every one of these liars are part of the group that uses rape drugs on women and men.

I found out that taking a crew picture on a trip before the assault was the modus operandi for him and the other rapists. It provided the perfect cover making the victim look like she was on familiar terms with him when in reality she has just met him and then she was drugged and assaulted at the first opportunity the rapist could arrange. This airline wants desperately to keep the victims isolated so as to not find out that you are one of many and that’s just the ones who were harassed so badly that we were forced to step forward so you can just imagine how many more. What does the airline do about it? Nothing if not worse than nothing. The ‘confidentiality agreement” is illegal. We must speak.

Michel Quilis did a lateral transfer immediately after the Rule 32 complaint at a time when there were proffers galore, according to the company of his own volition, not that I was informed about it. Followed by his buddy bidder, Jimmy Duhig, on the next proffer. I think I would bid for the same proffer if I was planning to go to JFK with my buddy bidder. I found out that Jimmy Duhig was his buddy more than a year after the rape. The company would have talked to me about it if they had really believed him instead they refuse to tell me anything and he transfers “own his own“. Taking advantage of my naivety and emotional implosion. All I wanted was something to be done to stop him in what he was doing to me and to prevent more rapes.

You always wonder why this is happening to YOU. I have by speaking about me found out that there are others. I know of four bad cases like mine, another case which I doubt, and another case which I believe false. I could not imagine that an organization or anyone with an ounce of decency would allow this not just to continue but to actively work against the victims. Why not just go to the CIA and simply say we think we have problem? We have had a lot women coming to us with essentially the same story about being drugged and raped by flight attendants and/or pilots. Well, I guess it is all about past failure and the almighty dollar. Each person is morally responsible in the eyes of God. Someone told me that this airline likes to keep its problems in-house which would be fine if they were doing something about it; and, in the end, they don’t care after all we are the ones who are suffering not them. They are sitting on a powder keg of liability and that’s only for the failure to warn, never mind that they are digging themselves in deeper with each new victim that comes forward.

Look at this article.http://www.accessmylibrary.com/coms2/summary_0286-25314265_ITMThe only reason Delta fired him was because it became public and they had to. I am sure just like at this airline there are many more like him still working there. They knew what this one particular individual was doing. They had several women put in complaints yet they alternately ignored and actively suppressed the whole thing. Their responsibility lies in their having been informed many times of drugs being used on crewmembers by crewmembers for the purposes of sexual assault. My only real expectation in informing the airline was to make them aware, stop him and have them take steps to warn of the danger so it wouldn‘t happen to anyone else. Yes naïve. It took me a long time to believe that most people would stand by and indeed some applauded and let evil continue unchecked. It amazed me the joy some people felt that I had been drugged and raped. I suppose they would be glad about any rape victim and any misfortune that befell anybody else. I am sure that the people at the office and the investigator had quite a good laugh at my expense. This need not have happened to me and need not happen to anyone else and it did and it has and it will again because these freaks are seeing no consequences for their actions. It is nauseating. The airline keeps the “investigations“ a secret so when your rapist claims that you are a whore or his girlfriend you cannot defend yourself and they can conveniently close the “investigation“ as a personal matter. Nothing more heinous to a rape victim than having her rapist allege he is her boyfriend and that what occurred was voluntary.

To those of you who can fanthom not having any memory of the rape. Ever had surgery? Try really hard to remember the actual surgery. Recalled anything yet? I only hear what some people tell me and I do not know which of all the things that are being said to me is the truth. I thought it is impossible to have this number of rapists in one place. It is a contagious disease that infects an astounding number given that most people are like liquid that takes the shape of the vessel they are poured into. What does it matter if they drug a human being? A woman is just an object and she can't remember the actual assault so no worries about getting caught. I say buy yourselves an inflatable doll, freaks.

When will I get over it? When the rapists are gone. When I come to work and don’t have to endure people refer to things I have no knowledge of and did not participate in. When I FEEL like it. No, it is not acceptable.I can’t say that I am not human and wish the worst on all rapists and the people who allow them to continue raping. I am putting this testimony online as a guide for a victim and as support for whatever legal/criminal cases come up in the future. I wish I had had something like my blog. It would have all gone differently but the Lord works in mysterious ways and this may be a way of casting a wider net for all guilty parties, to end this ever worsening spiral of individual and institutional violence against women. Words are weapons too. Empires have been brought down by words and the information they convey. My cause is the prevention of rape and the punishment of rapists just like people who have had cancer are active in its prevention and treatment. Although, frankly there should be Raped Clubs just like there are Rape Clubs.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I haven't and won't post or show anyone any of the e-mails I have received from victims or anybody else. However, this e-mail isn't from a victim and it is interesting in its intent. I wonder who "Jason Petters" really is? Interesting the combination of cajoling and intimidation. I, the victim, should help the victimizer keep it hush hush because it could hurt HIM (and the writer of this e-mail). I am sure the rapist doesn't want what he is doing known and so apparently do a lot of other people. I wonder what the motivation is. I wonder why it is so imperitative that I remove "I am an [ ] flight attendant. Funny how what Michel Quilis did to me which is a clear cut Rule 32 in any book did not warrant any action. It would be rolling in the aisles funny if it weren't about something so disgusting. Healing means never ceasing to seek justice and to stop evil. There are many things that are beyond control. Things always surface in the end. It is only a matter of time before one of these sickos gets caught for rape or murder someone with a spiked drink. How long would it take before that person cuts a deal? So much forensic evidence and so many live victims to testify. Enough of us who have been raped and maligned will come forward and be vindicated.The writer of this e-mail obviously knows that "the office" will take care of the rape victim if the rape club rapists can't do the job of harassment and threats adequatedly.

You really should remove the alleged rapist's name from your blog. You should also get rid of "[ ] Airlines." You are very much setting yourself up for a lawsuit. I know this guy is married and probably wants to keep things on the hush-hush, but you sent that blog link to thousands of [ ] flight attendants on the [ ]fa4M. Clearly this could be considered harassment and a clear cut Article 32 issue! I would remove the blog completely. I think if he had been CONVICTED of the crime, then different story, but from what your blog says....you don't even know yourself if you were raped! How can you broadcast to the world that this guy did this to you when you're not even sure yourself? Seriously, you could lose your job. The [ ] office knows about your blog.

You should actually read the blog. I black out after a sip of a second glass of wine and I wake naked the next day and physically I know he had sex with me. What I don't know is what exactly happened during that time but then that's what rape drugs do to you. I wish Michel Quilis would sue me. Let's bring this out in the open

Saturday, March 14, 2009

To all those normal men that might be reading this. Let me put it to you in terms you might understand and unfortunatedly some of you have been a victim of this as well. One of your coworkers drugs you and rapes you and records it all. You know that this person drugged you and raped you but you don't actually remember what happened. Are you going to tell what happened? NO.However, every time you come to work certain coworkers feel free to make suggestive comments to you, try to get into your room etc, other coworkers refuse to speak to you. Soon you're hearing how you're secretly gay and you have a double life and how all these guys claim to have been with you. And everyone believes it because they are passing around pictures of your rape. You are such a liar and obviously off your rocker. The world is surprisingly small and soon people outside of work are hearing about how you are "secretly" gay and lead this debauch double life. Your wife starts doubting you.What would and could you do about this? Commit murder? Would you lose your freedom? Would you give your parents that grief? Would you leave your wife and children without support?

My point is only to ilustrate to a heterosexual male what it feels like being raped and the circumstances I am experiencing.