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I learned a few things this weekend that I never expected to know. I’m a fraction taller than Colin Hanks, for example. Also, beware of fancy Champagne. Its easy taste is deceiving.

I know this because I was tasked to embark on a party odyssey for
TIFF’s
opening weekend, heading behind the velvet ropes into the brand-sponsored shindigs where the movers, shakers and hangers-on of the film business gathered to toast their silver screen exploits.

I went in with high expectations. Like getting high. With Woody Harrelson.

Turns out I was more likely to share a cigarette with a TIFF Bell Lightbox janitor. But the journey was memorable all the same — at least until the free booze kicked out my powers of observation.

It began with a flurry of emails. I’d RSVP as “attending,” and a variety of public relations people would jot my name down on their party guest lists.

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Friday night I was nervous. Riff-raff through-and-through, I arrived at my first party feeling strange, like I was about to go to space untrained as an astronaut.

The first stop was the after party for
The Railway Man
, a movie about the Thailand-Burma “death railway” that stars Colin Firth and Nicole Kidman, both of whom were mingling with the well-dressed crowd at Live at the Hive, an intimate second-floor space off King St. W.

I bee-lined for the candy bar — it was fully stocked: sour keys, sour watermelons, a plethora of jujubes — and nursed a stiff vodka tonic. Soon enough, I met the film’s
Tanroh Ishida
, an actor from London who had brought along a couple friends from back in Britain, Alex and Felicity White.

“It’s really great to be somewhere where the art industry is celebrated,” said Felicity, remarking on the festival’s movies-first emphasis. “I like that this party isn’t a big deal,” she said. “It’s more about the film than the party.”

That was true. Except for the corporate hosts of the celebration, Sodastream, who were very intent on showing me how their gizmo carbonates liquid (including certain spirits) with a canister of carbon dioxide.

From there I rode my bike to
Soho House
, Toronto’s uber-exclusive movie star hangout, which is usually a members-only venue.

I knew I’d be out of my element, but it wasn’t confirmed until waiter in a dark vest offered me a slice of zucchini-and-pork-cheek pizza.

The place was buzzing over the premiere of
Parkland
, with famous faces cavorting around the dimly lit salon that had antlers on the wall and felt like a smoking room from the turn of the last century.

There was Zac Efron and Paul Giamatti. Susan Sarandon was there too, and I ended up ordering drinks down the bar from Colin Hanks, where I noticed our similar heights.

I was hoping to see some sort of craziness here, where a celebrity would bust out a pile of drugs, or get up shouting on a tabletop with no shirt on. Alas, that’s not what happens at TIFF movie bashes. These are basically normal parties, just fancier, and with higher ratios of beautiful people that are recognizable from movies and TV.

Before I knew it, it was an ungodly hour, and I was testing the limits of my alcohol tolerance. I decided to pack it in.

Heavily caffeinated and ready for more, I hit the town again on Saturday to get a feel for the breadth of variety that one can experience partying at TIFF. I began the evening at the small-scale restaurant
Blowfish
, at King and Bathurst, the scene of the party marking the premiere of
The Double
. The film’s main actor, Jesse Eisenberg, was working the room, which had a crimson hue from the neon red lights blazing down from above the chandeliers. Waitresses routinely passed by pouring tall goblets of Moet and Chandon Champagne.

My last hoorah of the weekend was across town at
the Andrew Richard Designs Loft Space
, a sort of warehouse space packed for the release of
The F Word
, a romantic comedy featuring Daniel Radcliffe, Zoe Kazan and Lindsay, Ont., actor Megan Park.

The music was cranked up loud, there was a chef bobbing his head as he prepared peanut butter, jam and bacon sandwiches — insanely delicious — and then a live band took to the stage to deliver a slew of soulful tunes that included a rollicking CCR cover.

It was a high-energy end to my TIFF party quest. The entire weekend was a surreal trip, even if I didn’t speak at length with any movie stars. Honestly, I didn’t want to. It was a bit awkward, and yet, I couldn’t help but be drawn in and curious about them.

I guess that’s what TIFF partying is all about, at least for the uninitiated.

Like the hordes of people craning for a glimpse of the red carpet, you just want to get closer.

Note - September 11, 2013:
This article was edited from a previous version.

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