OPERATION UNFATHOMABLE

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

d12
1. Smaller than demi-human average pleasure centers in brain
2. Innate dwarf knowledge of life's dark underpinnings
3. Takes forever to digest anything due to metabolic imperatives
4. Serious beings just don't get off on screwing around
5. Reactionary stance re: elfish frivolity
6. Extremes of emotion inefficient not to mention unbecoming
7. The gods didn't make this universe for you to play in, man
8. Best not to get one's hopes up
9. Joviality and gem-cutting do not mix
10. Dwarf shoes crafted to be intentionally uncomfortable
11. Don't let the dwarf god catch you smiling
12. You think life sucks? Just wait until the afterlife!

Monday, July 30, 2012

d12
1. Ultimate weapon invented and immediately implemented to full effect
2. Evolved intelligence just high enough to perceive the futility of it all
3. Victims of first unexpected return of the dinosaurs
4. Divine thumbs down: wave after wave of "natural" disasters
5. Created gigantic monsters to fight their battles: results inevitable
6. Sudden cosmic transition to currently known physical laws ruined everything
7. Institutional demon slavery led to genocidal revolt
8. Achieved such mastery of the physical world they got fat, lazy and subsequently forgot how to do everything
9. Gave peace a chance, then beat plowshares back into swords
10. Created trans-planar portal, permanently abandoned this crappy universe
11. Philosophical breakthrough: attained universal enlightenment, stopped reproducing
12. Partied themselves to death

Thursday, July 26, 2012

d12
1. Deep ennui mitigated only by the momentary twinkle of baubles, gewgaws and trinkets (amassed hoard comprised largely of shiny junk)
2. Bestial: if famished eats anything that moves; if sated chiefly concerned with defending territory, 1% chance of being concerned with reproduction
3. Egomaniacal but rather charming: intolerant of any more charming than itself
4. False modesty hides mean streak: likes to play with food, takes prisoners for personal amusement
5. Laconic detachment: Dragon With No Name, minimal dialogue, lots of disdainful grunting, shoots first
6. Ironic bemusement: reflects view that life is just a joke and one should at least try to see the humor in it
7. Scarred, bitter, resents the very cosmos that spawned it
8. Quite upset (see Something has Upset the Ancient Dragon)
9. Dispassionate, clinical yet curious: thinks of life as a science experiment, human data particularly interesting
10. Ablaze with generalized hostility, raging full-on
11. Unflappable: the 007 of dragons
12. Has convinced self of cool, collected condition, but just under the surface pent-up frustrations stand by to explode with volcanic force at the slightest provocation

Sunday, July 15, 2012

d12
1. Levitated straight up into the stratosphere
2. Snapped bonds with superhuman strength and smashed the skulls of guards en route to public execution, escape obscured by sudden profusion of stinging mist
3. Stood atop racing smilodon, tossed guards aside, surged through city gates
4. Fled into the night w/many scrolls tucked beneath arms while Royal Library burned
5. Plunged gracefully into gaping maw of colossal worm while laughing maniacally
6. Shouted insults from battlement of private tower before the whole thing disappeared in maelstrom of blue luminance
7. Issued incoherent screed in public square, exploded in fiery flash after brief Q & A w/witnesses, coalesced into vast vaporous form over city, dissipated
8. Stabbed baron in back with poisoned blade at ceremony, vaulted city wall in single bound
9. Naked and muttering, staggered off into the wilderness
10. Body dangled limply while carried off on devil wings suddenly erupted from back
11. Over the course of days slowly became invisible and inaudible
12. Swelled to over fifty feet in height, issued contemptuous farewell, strode off toward the mountains

Friday, July 13, 2012

d12
1. Found religion but only just heard of requisite tithe for his income bracket
2. Unable to locate favored bauble, vaporized most of staff in accusatory huff, obsessively searching through hoard again and again
3. Injury to pride due to recent string of humiliating defeats on once-routine sorties against local settlements, still licking numerous arrow wounds
4. Nagging health issues: arthritic joints, wing troubles, diminishing fires, explosive coughing jags
5. Mating trouble: eligible suitors all unsatisfactory in one way or another, can't commit, expecting next contestant any minute
6. Preternatural dragon senses tingle with forebodings of doom, high anxiety, jumpy, trigger-happy
7. Psychological imbalance aggravated by deficiencies in dwarf-based diet: epic irrational rages over anything and everything
8. Hasn't been able to get a good fortnight's sleep in ages due to incessant howling of monster in dragon-inaccessible lair
9. Bamboozled out of nice chunk of hoard by expert confidence trickster
10. Lost huge wager over outcome of leadership change in nearby realm, new administration rumored to favor strong anti-draconic measures
11. Barely survived attempted coup led by demon major domo (dispatched)
12. Disobliging review of achievements in newly published history, ready to launch into obscenity-laced tirade of self-justification should anyone care to listen

Thursday, July 12, 2012

d12
1. Bat-winged dwarfs stream out at night fall to forage for raw materials, scrap heap of ship's walls, superstructure forms on the slopes below, they've got some kind of weird project going on
2. Sorcerer's bio-lab: on board technologies retrofitted into Frankensteinian operation, results of experiments teleported to surface for eco-trials
3. Colossal spacemen inert upon their jump couches, may be revived by lightning bolt defibrillation
4. Haunted by ghosts of space-weary sojourners, delighted to impart cryptic knowledge
5. Warring deities from competing pantheons hoping to gain neo-Olympus-style HQ
6. Hopeful sky pirates and hired arcane talent work to gain control of ship's functions: planning careers as bungee raiders
7. Taken over by necromancer and his all-skeleton crew who hopes to drag Earth into the sun
8. Craft filled with water, set up to sustain aquatic life, original crew dead but their native bacteria fared better, have made bold evolutionary moves
9. Countless broomsticks hover nearby: site of the First Annual World Witchcraft Convention, by clandestine invite only
10. Interior filled with alien atmosphere: dire environmental consequences if released
11. Ship's anchor line enveloped in spider silk, every exterior nook and cranny acrawl w/giant arachnids drawn by a mysterious intelligence within
12. Occupants unknown due to ship's defenses automatically disintegrating anything that gets close

Saturday, July 7, 2012

d12
1. Ogre bounty hunters happily smashing their way to the chieftain's quarters to serve warrant from former employer for dereliction of duty: they will consider any bribes or interesting offers
2. Black pudding invasion: acting in concert as if directed by some remote agency, puddings choke the halls, killing and moving on w/out pause for digestion
3. Giant sub-draconic reptile has unintentionally wedged itself in a too-narrow passage, orcs contemplating the best approach, discussing recipes
4. Three infuriated stone giants concoct plans to extract kidnapped giant infant from the uncomfortably small spaces of the lair
5. Out-of-control local giant rat population has once again despoiled the entire stock of provisions and scamper about the lair w/impunity, hungry orc tempers flare
6. Chief's cousin and impoverished survivors of neighboring complex line the halls looking pathetic, granted temporary refugee status after adventurers trashed their lair, tensions rising between factions
7. High elf zealot, leader of separatist movement w/squad of kick-ass bodyguards, plots anti-elf treason w/orc chief
8. Barbarian whose dinged-up-but-still-magical helmet remains in the possession of orc warlord finds himself surrounded and half-filled with arrows, but still holding his own in an ultimately hopeless tactical position
9. Sorcerer and chiefs of staff pop in for a surprise inspection: orcs scramble to and fro in mad panic, tidying up, trying to look organized
10. Burrowing monstrosity breaches deepest area of lair, allowing access to abysmal depths and vice versa, disembodied spirits streaming in
11. Partial corporeal manifestation of minor deity, taking time out of busy schedule to address the terrified troops
12. All the orcs are dead at the hands of marauding dopplegangers, now busy amusing themselves with a bit of (legitimate) cosplay

Friday, July 6, 2012

d12
1. Cursed Scroll of Gibberish: reader must save or lose power of speech but for random lunatic jabber, receptive language skills remain intact
2. Libram of Efficacious Debasement: new methods for utilizing/dispensing with conquered enemies
3. Instructions on acquisition and maintenance of servitors/hirelings: signed by author, a sorcerer of some repute, study grants bonus to quantity and quality of retainers
4. Doctrines of the Ascetics vol. 4, Self-flagellation: A Double-edged Sword?
5. Unspeakable Recipes
6. Demon Worship Among the Dawn Peoples: 100% baseless speculation
7. Unabridged History of the Slug Folk: 1000% more proper names than The Silmarillion, abundant w/tedious, highly repetitive minutiae of utterly pedestrian slug folk lives
8. Full transcripts from the Imperial Investigative Commission's findings on the nebulous menace of Neutrality
9. Cursed Scroll of Illiteracy: reader must save or lose the ability to read and write, must be re-educated from scratch, manifests temporary child-like innocence
10. Bring them Down: The Knee-Jerk Blasphemer's Guide to Anti-Theism
11. Encyclopedia of Dungeon Brain Teasers, completely scribbled over and solved
12. Collected Fragments of Folk Wisdom & Philosophy from the First Stone Age: turns out they didn't know anything worth a damn

Sunday, July 1, 2012

d12
1. Imperial Librarian who hires killers of his own to whack the sorcerer for overdue materials
2. Certain thief who made off with hereditary spell book of inordinate sentimental value
3. Former mentor for capricious lies and disinformation leading to much grief (and unpleasant mutations)
4. Former familiar gone turncoat: unnaturally large and intelligent crow with wicked ambitions of its own
5. Arcanophagus the spell-drinking demon: becomes loutish drunk after throwing back too many spells
6. High priest of Cult of Law responsible for wanton destruction of numerous intriguing arcane items
7. Current owner of the Spell Stele of the pre-Antlanteans
8. Evil and intelligent feline once the property of successfully assassinated rival
9. All fools everywhere, who shall be suffered poorly in the meantime
10. The barbarian who slew everyone else in sorcerer's graduating class
11. Dragon hoarding entirety of artifacts remaining from antedivuvian mollusc civilization
12. All other sorcerers, done one at a time and using the widest possible variety of methods, gratuitous torture encouraged