John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Feeling half-way good, and then plunging down the emotional elevator shaft (Published 2-21-12)

Q:

Back in February, my best friend was killed in a car accident. My heart is broken. I don't feel good about anything. When I do start to feel half-way good for a minute, it hits me again and I feel so sad. I almost seem to shake it, but its tough because I keep wishing I would have been able to say goodbye or something. The same thing happened with my dad, who died on the operating table. Never saying goodbye is so painful, so frustrating. I ask God to let me talk to her. Will it happen?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Chris,

Thanks for your note and question.

We are not surprised that you don’t feel good about anything. After all, the sudden tragic death of your best friend has turned your universe upside down.

What you describe about starting to feel half-way good, and then going down the elevator shaft, is a very common reaction. We call it a roller coaster of emotions.

As painful as it is, it is a normal and natural reaction to what has happened—you’re not crazy.

What’s really hard is the fact that you didn’t get to say goodbye. That’s almost always the case when there’s been a sudden death—and in addition to losing the person, the feeling of being unfinished tends to stay with you.

As you might imagine, we can’t really answer your sad question about being able to to talk to her. We know it is your broken heart talking.

But we can direct you to The Grief Recovery Handbook, which you can get in the library or a bookstore. The purpose of the book is to help you discover and complete what the death left unfinished for you, including the missing good-bye, as well as all the unrealized hopes, dreams, and expectations about the future.