May is a mental health awareness month. Many articles focus on how we can be a support for our loved ones who are suffering from a mental illness. I would like to focus on you and what mental illness has to do with you, regardless if you do or do not have a diagnosis.

All of us are becoming more aware of mental illness and are exposed to knowledge about different types of diagnosis such as anxiety, depression, bipolar, and post traumatic stress disorder. Along with our awareness of mental illness comes the fear of understanding mental illness in relation to our selves. What’s if I become mentally ill? Or how can I fight and resist a mental illness such as depression? These questions can infringe on our ability to allow our selves to experience certain emotions. The fear of having a mental illness (know some of the myths about mental illness) causes us to suppress and push away feelings of sadness or anxiety. It is okay to allow yourself to experience true sadness, anger, anxiety, or disappointment. Emotions ebb and flow. Just because you are feeling anxious right now does not mean it will last forever and it does not mean that you have a mental disorder. This also applies to those who are diagnosed with a disorder. Just because you have a diagnosis of depression, does not mean you will have this diagnosis forever.

Siting with our emotions is not with out its challenges. What’s if your sadness isn’t going away and you continue to say; “it’ll pass”? Mental health, our emotions, our self-awareness, our mental-wellbeing is complex. We need to find the fine-line between experiencing our emotions without chasing them away, and recognizing when our emotions are impeding on our growth. When you jus can’t rid yourself of the nagging sadness, anxiety, confusion, or simply feeling overwhelmed with all your thoughts then it is time to seek out help from a therapist. If you are still unsure if your feelings are excessive, ask a trusted friend if they see a difference in your mood, attitude, and behaviors.

The term courtship is defined by the Webster dictionary as; “a period during which a couple develop a romantic relationship, especially with a view to marriage.” How does developing the romantic relationship work? What does having a view toward marriage look like? How long is this period? What does the relationship look like? What behavior does this period include? None of us ever sat down to a “here’s what courtship is” kind of talk. While some can navigate the courting scene seamlessly, others find themselves stuck in a rut. Patrick Carnes, in his book Facing the Shadows, outlines the stages of courtship. Knowing each phase can help you identify where you are getting stuck, or which step you are overlooking, causing courting to go awry.

Noticing – This is the conscious ability to recognize traits that you find attractive yet at the same time recognizing traits that may not be good for you. “Noticing also means discriminating (Carnes, 2010).”

Attraction – Permitting yourself to feel interested in the other person and being capable of imagining yourself acting on your desires. There is a desire and interest to learn more about the emotional, physical, and intellectual traits of the other person. Attraction is what keeps an existing relationship alive, by remaining open to the unknown, change, and learning new things about your partner.

Flirting – Everyone should have some flirting skills, even animals in the wild flirt. Bowerbirds in Australia build nests and decorate the nests for potential mates. The purpose of flirting is to send a signal to the potential partner that you are interested and attracted to them. Flirting includes playful, seductive, and charming behavioral social cues. Flirting also requires recognition of when it is appropriate to flirt.

Demonstration – In Bonobo mating we call this phase; “presenting”. The female Bonobo will present her swollen genitals to the males in the group, signaling her interest in mating. Demonstrating is showing the potential partner your prowess at a specific skill, physical trait, capability, or sexual act with the intention of attracting the other person to you. Obviously, demonstration must be done appropriately and only after interest was shown by the other person.

Romance – Notice how many steps come before romance. The definition (see above) of courtship seems to go directly to the romance phase. Romance is the “ability to experience, express, and receive passion (Carnes, 2010).” Receiving passion from another requires a sense of self-worth and recognition that you are worthy of another persons love. Romance also requires being in reality and recognizing when romance is shared or only a projection or imagination.

Individuation – Individuation is the opposite of enmeshment. Enmeshment is when a person does not have his or her own identity in the relationship. When people are in love it is easy to forgo ones own desires, interests, and goals, causing them to lose their own identity. Being an individual in the relationship constitutes the ability to be able to ask for your needs without the fear of being rejected or going elsewhere for your needs. Individuation is a sense of freedom to be who you are and confident that your partner will not intimidate or force you to change.

Intimacy – The key components for intimacy are attachment and the ability to be vulnerable. In order for an intimate relationship to develop you need to be willing to attach to another and allow the other to attach to you. Attachment requires the willingness to be vulnerable and open with your partner. Intimacy is: “Being known fully and staying anyway (Carnes, 2010).” Intimacy is a risk. If you fear that your partner will reject you, you will create barriers so that they never fully see you.

Touching – There are different types of touch in romantic relationships; Intimate touch, sensual touch, and erotic touch. Couples can incorporate all levels of touch during the relationship or at different stages in the relationship. For touch to feel safe there must be respect of each other’s bodies and respect of each other’s boundaries. Each partner should feel confident to say no to touch that they do not feel comfortable with. If you cannot say “no” then you cannot say “yes”.

Foreplay – Foreplay is a very important aspect of courting and should not be skipped. Foreplay allows partners to express their deep sexual passion toward each other. Foreplay is a sharing of pleasure and the goal does not have to be intercourse. Sometimes, foreplay is the goal itself.

Intercourse – “More than the exchange of body fluids, this is the ability to surrender oneself to passion (Carnes, 2010).” In order to be able to surrender oneself to another, there has to be trust between partners. Intercourse is a form of giving up control; where you allow your partner to see your vulnerabilities. Intercourse has no rules, abandon ideas of how it “should” be.

Commitment – Commitment is the phase in which partners commit to each other by bonding and attachment. When a relationship does not have feelings of attachment partners will look elsewhere for attachment. This can lead one to seek out “trusting attachments” such as, alcohol, drugs, sex, and risk-taking behaviors.

Renewal – Courting never ends. Renewal is continuing courtship even in a committed long-term relationship or marriage. Continuing to flirt and attract your partner. Continuing to show interest and care for each other.

When we encounter relationship dysfunctions or struggles while dating it is indicative of a hiccup in one of these stages. Notice how marriage is not included on the list. Courtship does not have to include marriage or a vision toward marriage. Courtship requires a willingness to be open and vulnerable so you can create a trusting bond with one another.​

Sara Schapiro-Halberstam, MHC-LP, CASAC is a psychotherapist in New York City where she practices individual therapy, couples counseling, and sex counseling. You can contact Sara at sara@mwr.nyc and read more blog posts at www.mwr.nycFollow me on Instagram @sexfacts4dummiesFollow me on Twitter @flashtherapy15

The basic rule about sex is that as long as the act/action is Safe, Sane, and Consensual, enjoy it at your hearts content. How do we define sexual consent? Generally, consent is when two (or more) individuals agree on a specific sex act. The consent given is only for the particular encounter. If your partner consents to kissing, it does not mean that he or she consented to intercourse.

Sometimes, consent is not a simple “yes you may.” You cannot say yes, if you cannot say no. If you do not feel comfortable saying no to sex or a specific sex act, your yes, is not a yes.

Here are some questions to ponder: If a student has sex with her professor, is that consent? Or, if a 19 year- old girl has sex with her 50 year-old neighbor, is that consent? Can consent be given if the partners are not equal in their levels of sexual maturity?

How about, if one partner is not emotionally stable? For example, you are aware that the boy you are pursuing recently had a trauma in his life. Or, the girl you are pursuing is struggling with an addiction or a mental illness. Are these individuals truly consenting?

Most importantly, is it consent if one partner is intoxicated? Perhaps you are a little tipsy but your partner is surely drunk, is it okay to make out with him or her? Who is the one responsible in this situation?

And then there is the encounter where consent is not explicitly spoken about. “But he or she did not say no!” If they did not say no, does it mean they said yes?

These are complex questions that test our ethical boundaries. Always remember to watch for the other persons’ body language, facial expression, and listen to what they are saying. Rather err on the side of less sex, than err on the side of having non-consensual sex.

In the article 'Girls & Sex' And The Importance Of Talking To Young Women About Pleasure, Peggy Orenstein speaks about the importance of teaching girls about tuning into their own desires.Girls are socialized to give to their partners. The topic of receiving pleasure from their partner is sadly overlooked. Too often, girls share how they will give oral sex but they are never met with the same in return. Girls should know, that if they are always focused on the guy’s pleasure and never ask for pleasure in return, they are being used. I love the example Orenstein shares about a boyfriend who is always asking for a cup of water but never brings his girlfriend a drink. In this scenario we easily see the inequality. Why don’t we see the inequality when it comes to sexuality?

Sex and sexual pleasure should include both giving and receiving. But, It should not be tit-for-tat (no pun intended). Both partners should be thinking about how they can give their partner pleasure and at the same time how they can ask for pleasure. Some partners find themselves in a double standard, where one partner is always asking explicitly for what he or she wants in bed and the other partner shy’s away from asking for what he or she wants. Your Partner cannot mind-read (wouldn’t it be nice if he/she did?) therefore, asking for what you want is essential for both of your sexual pleasures to be met. If you partner turns down all your requests for pleasure... then we have a different problem.

I always enjoy reading articles where celebrities call for positive change and inspire positive behavior. I am particularly pleased when these messages begin to foster sex positive change. Though not a fan of her music, I am a fan of Nicki Minaj’s call for orgasm awareness. As a woman, you have the right for pleasure and never should you be too shy, too afraid, or too uncomfortable to ask for pleasure. If you trust your skill more than your partners, that’s cool to. Let it be a joint effort. But, hardly ever should you turn away, thinking, I wish I got more.

Are you wondering if orgasm is even your thing. Besides for the aw-awesome feeling, there are many health benefits to orgasms. Orgasms can relieve headaches, relieve stress, relieve anxiety, enhance focus enhance concentration, and best of all weight loss. An orgasm can burn 75 calories or more. Good orgasms can lead to healthy babies. The intensity of an orgasm makes it difficult for sperm to swim up the fallopian tube. This causes a natural selection process where the weaker sperm loses the race to the stronger and healthier sperm cells.

Speaking of orgasms, it would be unwise not to mention that very many women do not orgasm from vaginal sex. If you are one of the many who does not orgasm from vaginal sex with out clitoral stimulation, here is where vibrators, digits, and lube become your next best friend. And now, repeat after me: “I am worthy of pleasure, I deserve pleasure, I enjoy my pleasure, simply for being me.” If this isn’t ringing for you, design your own positive affirmation, say it, sing it, repeat it! Be an orgasm warrior. ​

Sara Schapiro-Halberstam, MHC-LP, CASAC is a psychotherapist in New York City where she practices individual therapy, couples counseling, and sex counseling. You can contact Sara at sara@mwr.nyc and read more blog posts at www.mwr.nycFollow me on Instagram @sexfacts4dummies​Follow me on Twitter @flashtherapy15

Have you recently gone through a breakup? Do you find yourself obsessively thinking about your ex-lover? Are your friends telling you too just move on and get over him or her?

Everyone knows that relationship breakups are emotionally painful. The advice people give one another is to “just move on.” While this may be good advice, the brain may not be ready to move on just yet. Research studies show that the brains of people who recently went through a breakup have higher levels of dopamine, serotonin, and the insula and anterior cingulate cortex are active. These three changes are related to addiction, obsessive compulsive disorder, and physical pain.

Dopamine is a chemical secreted by the reward system of the brain and this is what gives us that “feeling good” moment. There are many different times that dopamine is produced, one of them being when using drugs. The feelings of withdrawal from drugs are related to the reduced production of dopamine. Hence, cravings develop. The brain is yearning for more of the “feeling good” drug. When we fall in love, our brain produces high levels of dopamine which contributes to the great feeling of being in love. The downside to this is that when we break up, the brain stops producing the dopamine. Hence, the craving for our ex-lover develops! The brain of someone in the midst of a breakup looks very similar to someone who is going through a substance withdrawal.

The production of serotonin is also involved in the love and relationship breakup process. Low-levels of serotonin in the brain is related to obsessive compulsive disorder. The brain of someone diagnosed with OCD indicates low-levels of serotonin just as the brain of someone who recently broke up with their boyfriend or girlfriend. The change of production of serotonin is what leads to obsessive thinking while someone is in love and continues during the relationship breakup phase.

The insula and anterior cingulate cortex are the areas of the brain that register pain. Researchers asked people who have recently broken up with their partner to look at a picture of their ex. The fMri brain scans of the participants showed that the areas of the brain that register pain were active. This indicates that the brain processes a relationship breakup as physical pain. When we say a breakup hurts, it physically hurts!

The next time your friends tell you to “just move on” you can tell them that it is scientifically not possible for you to do so. The brain needs time to adjust to this change before it goes back to regular productions of dopamine and serotonin. But, the suggestion of distracting yourself is a good idea. Keeping your brain busy with other activities will give it the boost needed to regulate itself again. If you still find yourself in pain a while after your relationship breakup, it is time to seek out a therapist who can help you find ways to get yourself (and your brain) back on track.

Sara Schapiro-Halberstam, MHC-LP, CASAC is a psychotherapist in New York City where she practices individual therapy, couples counseling, and sex counseling. You can contact Sara at sara@mwr.nyc and read more blog posts at www.mwr.nyc

​Did you find yourself having a conversation with your child and he or she responds with one-syllable words such as yes, no, good…? Gathering information from children about their day at school or a play date they had, often feels more taxing than we expect it to be.

The problem is not with our child’s limited vocabulary or poor expressive skills. It is about our ability to phrase a good question. Asking a child “how was your day?” is confusing because a child’s day does not change much. Children go to school, sit at their desk, play during recess time, eat their snack, eat their lunch, board the bus, and go home. Asking your child about his or her day simply seems redundant. Some children may say “it’s always the same, nothing has changed.” Let’s rethink open-ended questions toward focused questions. Being able to hone in on the details of your child’s day.

Perhaps start with, “did you have a wish today?” Or “did you wish for something today?” You can share your own wish of the day such as, “I wished for my dinner to come out really tasty today.” Wait for your child’s response. Never criticize the wish! This is your time to learn more about your child’s hopes, wishes and thoughts.

Another focused question you can ask; “did someone share a story with you today? Be careful not to use descriptors when asking this questions. If you phrase the question as: “did someone share something interesting, funny, exciting” etc. you limit your child’s response. Sometimes your child might respond that no one shared a story with him or her. You can follow up by asking if there was a story he or she would have liked to share. Follow up questions to your child’s response can be questions such as, “what was your reaction” or “what did you think about that.” If these questions confuse your child, give examples of your own experience. For example “I got scared when you said that part of the story” or “I thought the story was going to end … (fill in the blank)…”

On the topic of asking questions and eliciting information, safety questions cannot be overlooked. When your child was at a friend, relative, babysitter, for either a short while or an extended period of time, safety questions must be asked. The key component to beginning to elicit information about your child’s stay is not to ask the typical “did you have a good time?” in the front of the adult who’s care your child was in. Children are social desirable creatures. They will respond what they know the other would like to hear. Ask your child about their stay when you are alone. As well as, be careful not to answer the question on your own, such as, “I’m sure you had a great time.” The next follow up questions should be something along the lines of; “was there one specific thing you did that you enjoyed most?” continue on by asking if there was something they did not enjoy or were bothered by. The latter question is essential. This will give your child the message that they have the right to dislike something and can feel safe to share with you. Most importantly, if an unfortunately an unsafe event did occur, you are giving them the opening to share what happened.

Asking children focused questions begins to develop their analytical skills and their ability to introspect. Focused questions, help your child think beyond the simple behavioral details of their day. Some children will respond by saying “I do not know.” How about teaching your child to respond with, “let me think about it.” Now, while this may seam scripted for an adult, giving a child permission to stop and think, as well as letting them know the importance of thinking, is a very valuable skill! Keep in mind, the behavioral details of the day do not matter as much as the experience your child is having. The more your child shares, the more you will understand them, and the healthier your relationship will be. At times when they need to be vulnerable with you and share something uncomfortable, they will all ready know that you are the person they feel safe sharing with.

Sara Schapiro-Halberstam, MHC-LP, CASAC is a psychotherapist in New York City where she practices individual therapy, couples counseling, and sex counseling. You can contact Sara at sara@mwr.nyc and read more blog posts at www.mwr.nyc