Yeah, golf – fucking golf. The sport associated with a myriad of non-golfisms – the ‘19th hole’ (why John Daly slurs in the occasional interview), sponsorship deals, Tiger Woods and his harem, Adam Sandler, and a vast and magnificent fuck you to the environment. So maybe I’m not its biggest fan. Maybe you aren’t either. Maybe you are. Whoop dee fuckin’ doo. But there is one thing I need you to know about golf. Basically it’s a tricksy fucking game. Its invention is no doubt one of the more peculiar conversations to have taken place in human history. The motherfucker of golf is that it’s a game of subtlety, precision and only a modicum of strength (which is why it’s ideal for the elderly and the drunk). If you swing too hard you’ll hook the ball. Swing too softly and the club may never reach the ball. Lean back and you may fall over. Incline your knee at a 17 degree angle and you could die. And NEVER EVER trust your intuition.

John Daly rocking a magnificent pair of rainbow lightning pants.

And this is the case with honing (or sharpening, if your vocab can't be bothered) a straight razor. Yeah yeah. I’m supposed to lay the groundwork before I get to this part last. Blog post number 20 – how to wet shave….Blog post number 88 – how to hone your straight razor. Slow and steady? Fuck you. You might be smashed by a bus tomorrow or have something more interesting happen and never get to this post at all. Didn't think about that, did you? You're fucking welcome. So, fucktard, here’s what you need to know:

1. I have a straight razor that I use to shave my face.2. It is supremely kick-ass.3. A straight razor needs to be honed every six weeks or so to retain above-mentioned kick-assery.4. Different kinds of stones are used for honing and they vary in their grit (fMeaning how coarse or fine they are, fucktard).5. To get it sharp, you'll need to progress the blade from coarsest grit to finest grit.

Kick-assery.

Okay, so now you’re caught up. Not so bad, was it? The problem with honing for a rank amateur (which I still consider myself to be) is that “honing” conjures up an image of Conan the Barbarian rippling his baby-oil slathered pecs as he slices his machete across a random rock with sparks of fury flying off the shiny blade. Try to suppress your erection. Now take this image, cover it with soggy newspaper and step on it with golf shoes. You’d be far better off having an image of Jessica Fletcher quietly buttering a piece of toast. Because honing a razor can (and fucking does) go wrong in so many ways. Too much pressure, incorrect blade angle, honing for too long, getting too flamboyant, being inebriated – pick anything you like and it’s guaranteed to scupper your dreams of honing. Much like golf eh?

Jessica Fletcher. Because fuck Conan.

So is there a miracle, quick fix to honing a straight razor? Haha, fucking dumbass. There is not. BE the Jessica Fletcher. Be patient, be meticulous, listen to the experts (Straight Razor Place; Badger and Blade), and at all times, be sure to wear a hat.

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