The Breakdown: Poltergeist Official Trailer

I know I often claim that I am a huge horror fan, but I have a little known secret that I do my best to hide: I am a horrible film buff because there are so many older films I haven’t seen. The original Poltergeist is one of them. My mom even bought it for me many Halloweens ago and I still haven’t seen it. I fail. But no more! Thanks to the trailer for the remake I am ready to break that old DVD out of its plastic wrapping and give it a spin!

Wasn’t that awesome!? If you wanna know my thoughts while I watched the trailer, here’s my breakdown:

0:09 – Did that little girl just say, “Mom, there’s a kitchen!”? Where was this family living before!? A cave!?

0:15 – Whenever someone is super desperate to get rid of their house, just walk away. Clearly it is haunted, or there is a recently poured concrete floor in the basement hiding all the bodies the previous owner killed, or the neighbors suck. Poltergeist goes with option 1. And maybe 3. You never know.

0:27 – First the kitchen, now static. I know I was easily amused as a child too, but this girl is giving more and more reasons to think that she was seriously kept in a small dark box for the first part of her life.

0:47 – Can you imagine hearing that laughter instead of the clap thunder actually makes? I think we would all be residents of an insane asylum if that was the case. Or Home Depot would make a killing selling sound proofing materials.

1:00 – Oh God… I don’t even have a fear of clowns but I think I would rather find the Grudge kid in my closet!

1:04 – The kitchen, static electricity, and now a TV screen full of static. This kid continues to surprise with her simple pleasures. And while we’re talking about TVs, did no one tell her the appropriate distance to stand away from a TV screen for proper eyeball safety. I feel like that and waiting 30 minutes after eating to swim is basic childhood survival knowledge.

1:12 – I already have a hard time accepting Facetime; if this is the future of TV technology I don’t want it!

1:15 – Seriously, this family needs to invest in a generator if they’re constantly going without electricity.

1:21 – No little kid is this brave! I’m just gonna talk to the hands in the TV and follow these small balls of lights through a pitch black house. No big deal.

2:13 – As much as I love Sam Rockwell and Rosemarie DeWitt, I cannot ignore how much they are really failing at their parental duties. Clearly their kids should not be left alone!

2:18 – Aren’t you supposed to check for studs before doing any construction/decorating on your walls? Eh heh heh… Get it? Studs? Looking at you Nicholas Braun.

2:25 – That’s one way to get up the steps, for when you’re incapable of walking up them yourselves, but too impatient to wait for one of those chairs to inch up to the second floor.

Oh man… Haunted houses are nothing new to the genre, but this looks awesome! Way better than Mama. I know a lot of people liked that horror film, but there was too much bad in that one to outweigh the creepiness of the little girls talking to shadows. Plus there was that wig that scuttled along the floor. I will never forget that, but for all the wrong reasons. I hope to never forget Poltergeist for all the right ones.