An open letter…

...

...to my partner in situationship.

Dear You,

We've had an amazing time on this journey. We've travelled and laughed and played. We've talked about everything and nothing. Remember when I tried to get you to fall in love with me - a month after we met? We asked each other a series of deep and personal questions and then stared into each other's eyes for a few minutes, in silence. Don't think it worked that one, but just so you know, I didn't make it up! It was a science, apparently: the 36 questions that could make you fall in love with anyone.

Do you remember when we actually met? Wow! One of those crazy, once in a lifetime experiences. You were in the right place at the right time and so was I. There were times during our togetherness when I thought maybe, just maybe we would work out. Maybe we could travel the world together, foregoing tourist destinations and just walking, running, riding, driving our way across the world - aligning our tastes buds with the locals' along the way. Not that I'm much of a foodie, but you do inspire me, or at least you have inspired me to try new things.

I never thought about going away, until I met you and became jealous of your life and your adventures. I wanted my own and I've had them. I am having them. You showed me how to be unafraid. Well, maybe not you exactly, but being with you. Although you didn't call it that. We were together except when we weren't together.

I read somewhere that when people tell you who they are, you should believe them. I didn't believe you. I believed your actions rather than your words. I believed that the way you were with me was indicative of something more. But maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was indicative of me. Me, as someone who lives, loves and laughs openly. Me, who is always ready to give and share and do. Maybe you were simply reacting, reacting to me being me.

How did we go on so many journeys together without ever really going anywhere? I hate goodbyes, because when I embrace someone I embrace them with my whole heart with joy and childish abandon. I "love to love" as nineties pop group Damage would ascertain.

And that's why I had to end it. Had to stop whatever it is we had. Whatever it is we were doing. I had pressed stop too many times before but we kept coming back to each other. How many was it? Three? Four? At what point does a lengthy situationship become a relationship? 6 months? A year? 2 years? It's all a numbers game. We passed all those milestones and nothing changed.

So anyway, I've ended it. And I don't suppose you'll understand, because it's not that there's someone else. But there is me, who knows what it feels like to love and be loved and to prioritise and to be a priority. And that's what I want.

Like you said, it's hard to let go. It's easy for you not to but I admit, I don't want to let go either! You've been amazing, it's been amazing. None of me wants to say goodbye. But what's the point of living in the "what if", when the real world is all around me?