January 6, 2013

This moment now

Woven through last week's New Year 2013 posts, a shared sentiment emerged among my momma blogger friends. In our own words we shared hope that the new year will bring opportunity for implementing, exercising, and appreciating greater peace and presence in the moments that make up every day. I sense it is an ideal we seek in order to create calm and to soothe our own anxieties, that if we can learn to be present we can somehow protect ourselves from the relative pain and suffering inherent to our role as mothers.

The built-in community that exists in this online space is part of what draws me to write here: validation and comfort knowing that my struggles are not mine alone. My experience is extraordinary to me because it is mine, but it is otherwise ordinary.

I feel what other mothers feel what I feel.

For me being present centers around conserving my energy. To feel deep stillness, joy, and appreciation in the moments that are perfection in the way I imagine it can be, but also when the opposite is true. That I can have greater clarity and awareness of my own needs. That I can be better tuned-in to this moment in order to meet my boys where they are and JUST BE, without judgement. Even if the moment is brief.

To feel the static of Merritt's wispy baby hair against my cheek or the pinching grip of his tiny fingers in my arms as he holds to me as we fervently dance across the hardwood floors.To breathe in the sweet vinegar sweat left in Roscoe's damp hair after a good long nap.To cut through the chaos of the 5 o'clock witching hour to meet eyes with Roscoe, raise my brow and elicit songs of peeling laughter. To accept with undivided attention his invitation to watch him move his cars to and fro, even when I feel I don't have time to stop moving forward my own weighty cargo.

Does fear drive my impulse to want to catalog in my mind the warm weight of his body in my arms, the pitch of his 3 year old voice, the cadence of their steps? We give everything to our children and yet there are no guarantees for their health or safety in this world. There are no assurances that when they reach adulthood they will love us, or feel loved by us, in the ways that we hope they will.

On the other hand, pining for the power and capacity to do it all, do it well, and to make the journey look easy-as-pie, all the while managing to avoid shifting into auto pilot, appears like fallout from the "parenting is a skill to be mastered" norm that constricts as it empowers the parenting of our generation.

Either way, I am motivated with intention to move through our daily rhythms with energy reserved only for what matters most. We know this is not forever, let's hold on tight to the good stuff so we can carry it with us into tomorrow. Save the stress, feelings of hurry, and anxiety about what comes next. Save the shame of not having been perfect in the past.

5 comments:

I love this post :) I think all parents FOREVER have wanted to be able to be able to capture certain moments, bottle up the sounds and smell of your babies sleeping on your chest or the innocent conversations between your children, but now we feel like we actually CAN capture those moments with our cameras, phones, videos, facebook, instagram, etc... and those photos and videos just never do those magical moments justice, you know?

Mama Tully: I agree. And now that you CAN capture all the moments, and since everyone else is doing it, doesn't it sometimes feel like you'd be missing out on something important if you didn't do it? The norms have changed too. The beautiful photos and the humorous tweets and status updates also contribute to the idea that other mothers have lovely, wonderful, easy lives.

Did you see this app? I would try it! I think Laura at Navigating the Mothership would love it.http://www.coolmomtech.com/2013/01/1_second_everyday_memory_video.php

I am so aware of this with J the further along I get with my second pregnancy. These are the last few months when she will have my undivided attention and while I don't feel "guilty" about a 2nd child I do mourn the loss of just the two of us.

It is such a task to make sure the daily grind does not take away from the quiet moments you share with your children.

I have had the urge to blog again but time is so hard to find. I am going to try to do a day in the life post to link up to Navigating the Mothership tomorrow we will see how it goes! I am due to first part of may as long as I don't need to be induced early due to Pre-E like with J.