Sunday Confessional: I Called My Girlfriend Fat

My girlfriend and I have been together for a while, and since the beginning, she has struggled with her weight and feeling good about herself. Though I've always thought she was beautiful and told her so, it greatly affects her moods and our sex life.

Recently things had been better. Her sex drive had picked up, and she hadn't really mentioned her body in over a month. During this time I noticed that she had put on a few pounds, but she still looked great to me, and I was just glad that she seemed to be feeling good about herself. A few days ago we got into a silly argument, and before I knew it she was attacking me about the negative demeanor that I've had lately. I was so angry that she had the audacity to comment on my bad moods that, without thinking, I sarcastically responded that I was probably feeling negative because she had gotten fat.

I regretted it immediately; I only said it to hurt her. The look on her face told me she was devastated, and she promptly stormed out. I've tried to call her since, but she won't pick up. I know what I did was wrong, but I want to make it right. Can I be forgiven for these harsh words?

Not Forgive- How can you be so cruel to someone who trusted you with baring theirself to you??? I feel like if you can say that to her than obviously don't care about her enough as you say as you do...either that or you are super immature.
I am not just being mean to you...I had this happen to me and it's devastating I felt like everything the ex had said was a lie and that I TRULY WAS DISGUSTING and that nobody would want me because of what he said. I hope you really regret what you said because you really fucked up this girl's self-esteem and body image...I am sure she is goodlooking but stupid media and insensitive people like you who women are supposed to trust and love fuck it up for women even more.
you should be ashamed....

5 years

My girlfriend gave birth to our son 7 months ago. Now she has always appeared beautiful to me. I have never been with a girl that was anything more than a slight athletic build and if I'm not attracted to you I really have a hard time paying attention to anything you have to say, go ahead I know what I am. Now I wouldn't say that's disrespectful as I always treat others how they treat me; but yesterday was different. Being fat and trying to lose weight is one thing, eating like a cow and sitting around the house on your ass is another. I straight up called her fat, and what shocked me is she replied like she had no idea. Guess its time to put a mirror on the back of our bathroom door. Sometimes the truth hurts but if you never hear it then the people your with don't give a damn about you. I am not sorry for it, peoples emotions get hurt, that's life. She will get over it just think of ways to remind her like oh did you try this new snack, keep the calories low and stay away from the fried junk. Espc salad dressing, anything like ranch won't help. She will hold it above your head for awhile act like you feel bad stare at the floor when you appologize cuz the only person to judge you is god after all. Just whatever you do never ever give her the ball in the court. Women want you to do everything for them, when you slow down life to show them how lazy they are they get defensive. Not all but most women are aware of this and those are the ones who have a personality and look good when they go out in public. Good luck, start golfing.

5 years

u said it because u thought it. in the heat of the moment u lose the power to control wat u should and should not say. you do think tat. u just wish u never said it out loud. the fact tat u wanted to say something to hurt her anyway is a bad sign. hurting some1 by mistake...... tats not so bad.......... but u said u just wanted to hurt her.!!!!!!!!!!!!! do u feel tats normal???????

5 years

Sorry, maybe I'm a bit rough on the edges. Just I find that too many women will not take the responsability for gaining weight. It's always somebody elses fault per your comment, not wanting to offend so I ate more. trust me 'been there. Hey I was 127 pounds then gained over 160 pounds over a 6 year time spand, I had no self esteme and a shitting attitude. When I got dumped for another woman, there was nobody but myself to blame. So I just didn't care after my divorce,I was fat and still gaining and when I heard the comments or saw people starring, yes I was hurt. Plus the neiborhood nicknames - Amazon Woman, Jungle Jane, Blimpo the Hippo I may never forgive them for their nasty and cruel comments, but in retrospect I needed those comments to make me strong enough to do something about it. When I finally decided to quit being a tub of lard it was tough. I was losing but looking even worse with all the loose skin. My arms and legs sagged, had a big flap on my stomach. But I continued to loose, because my goal was under 150 no matter what I looked like, until I could afford surgery to get rid of the extra skin. For the past 4 years I have maintained 134 to 140 without a stapled stomach or other radicle means. My life isn't about on a diet all the time either, I just eat smart. I guess it comes down to although it hurt to hear the nasty comments and I'll never forgive them, I thank them everyday for pissing me off to do something for me. Now days I'm into my third year of a wonderful relationship, but if he ever calls me fat, I'll -- well you know
Jane

Thanks so much for your kind, encouraging words Jungle Jane! I didn't think I gave "all the info on well-hung men", I just said it wasn't important to me and no, he wasn't the biggest. Did I mention length, width, weight of it? I don't think so! I don't think I said anything that was pornographic in nature. But, actually, I do thank you, because you hit the nail on the head about a lot of things. You give good advice, it's just your bedside manner that needs worked on... LOL!

5 years

Wow, so you two were in an argument and he called you fat. It seems as though if you were 135 gained over 50lbs in a short period of time, guess what YOU ARE. Tight plum girls are cute, flabby is not. Was it right for him to tell you- No / Should you forgive him - NO, he is an ass.
Now you say that you lost 5 pounds in two days from not eating, sorry baby you just emptied you intestines. Now let's get to the root of the problem. Sounds like you have a confidence problem of always trying to please everyone else but yourself. i.e. I'm loosing the weight for him.You didn't mention that you had been trying very hard for yourself. On your comment about getting back at him aka small penis great! but we don't need all the info on your sex life with well hung men. Yep pull up you big girl panties and go get the weight off look good and dump him for a well endowed guy and tell him why you are leaving just to put the icing on the cake that you can't eat. Liposuction and tummy tucks GO FOR IT!
Jane

A few more things... I had said that I already suspected that he was unhappy with the way I looked and here are the reasons why:
#1 - He doesn't tell me that I look good every day like he used to.
#2 - He watches porn movies when I'm not around.
#3 - I found a nude magazine in his shop bathroom, God knows what he does in there, I refuse to clean it.
So, when he told me he was sick of my fat, it verified all of my suspicions. I don't look good anymore, so he needs to see pictures of beautiful, thin women with perfect bodies and huge boobs.
Yeah, I can lose this weight but then I'll lose my breasts again, too, and feel self-conscious about THAT around him. What's next, breast enlargement so I can fit all his fantasies? Next to not wanting to be around a fat woman, he doesn't want to be around someone who has no boobs to speak of.
He's told me a couple times that his mother took his ex-wife aside and told her, "Whatever you do, don't get fat." I laughed it off but now I know that she was trying to warn Judy of what would happen with him if she DID gain weight. Now when I see my mother-in-law, I always wonder if she's going to say the same thing to me or, "Why are you getting fat? He's not going to love you anymore!" And he wonders why I've cut down on the family visits... If he said those words to me, what would stop them?
Fat Psycho B---h

I'm going to vote undecided because I am a woman who was recently told that "he was sick of my fat" and later on in the argument, called a "fat pscyho b---h". He was not drinking when he said this, he was stone cold sober. I wish I had been drunk enough not to hear those words, but I did, and it cut me to the bone. I was 135-140 lbs. when I met him, I didn't drink and I didn't smoke. After six months with Jack, I had but on over 20 lbs because we were in bars all the time, drinking and eating. After 4 years, I had put on close to 50 lbs. It bothers me all the time and the last thing I needed to hear from him two nights ago was that he was sick of me being fat. He eats like a horse and stays thin and I keep telling him I can't eat like that, even when I'm working out 1-2 hours a day. I'm 53 years old, my metabolism is dead. Even when I'm dieting and he knows it, he puts 3X's the food I need on my plate with the comment that, "You don't have to eat it all." I should have taken control of my eating a long time ago and I didn't. He's like a gourmet chef and I feel guilty if I don't eat all that he gives me, that he will think that I don't like what he makes.
Yeah, the small penis comment came up AFTER he said those words to me. I can lose my fat, he can't do much about his penis size. Did I mean it? No, he's not the biggest man I've ever had in bed but it was never about size with me, it was what he did with it. So, no, I didn't mean it but I said it to make him hurt as badly as I did at the time. Touche!
Will I forgive him? I love him but no, I don't think I will forget those words and will always wonder what he REALLY feels about me. And yes, I am going around in my nightgown on with stretch pants and a sweatshirt to cover up around him. We slept in the nude every night of our relationship and marriage, now I hate to think of him touching me and thinking, "Yuck." I had been thinking that a long time before he ever told me I was fat, his words just finalized what I had already suspected.
Okay, so now I'm putting on my "big girl" panties and losing the weight. Five pounds in two days because I can't eat after what he said that night. All I want right now is to get back to being the beauty queen he thought I was 4 years ago. It's not for me, it's for him because I don't want to lose him.
He did say he was sorry but didn't say what he was sorry about, so I'm still in a quandry. He wanted to talk last night but I still can't because I don't want another fight like that. I don't ever want to hear those words again. You're right, it's the worst thing he could have ever said to me but the words are there, still.
Thanks to everyone who posted and said that he was wrong. I agree, I was wrong, too. The fight didn't even start about fat, it was him being dissatisfied with how I run things in his company office, another blow to my self-esteem. He has no problem with self-esteem, he believes he is always right and is proud of everything he's done in the past. Neither one of us is easy to live with but we had a good, but tumultuous 4 years with his business and our private lives.
Signed,
The Psycho B---h.

5 years

Oh man, this just happened to me mid last week. She finally got around to texting me last night to say stop trying your lame attempts cause i'm done with you, I only called once that whole time?!
Now i did not call her fat. We were looking at some old pictures and i said that she had put on some weight since then. I said maybe try a little harder in the gym, you were a 12, now your an 11. Which is not really a compliment but i did not come out and say she was fat. I apologized profusely last night and made it very clear i was very wrong. She has been struggling with her weight lately and gained maybe 40 lbs in the last 6mos-1yr. I just don't think that's healthy and i love her and want her to be healthy.
Now here's the catch, i did have a couple drink and got upset when she got so offended. I was like are you kidding? You are beautiful, i was just saying you put on some weight.
Can I be forgiven??

I think if my boyfriend called me fat then it would pretty much be over. Most women grow up with body issues in their teens and it carries into adulthood. While we appear strong, we are VERY fragile when it comes to our body image. I would be so pissed....
I don't wish you luck with your g/f however I do wish whatever is best for both of you to happen whether or not you get back together. Perhaps you have learned your lesson.

Yikes, that's a hard one to come back from. She may or may not forgive you, but she probably won't ever be able to fully trust you again. It seems like you may have been getting insecure yourself as she got more secure. That was probably the worst thing you could have said to her, and you knew it would cut deep. You may have been threatened by her growing confidence, and knew that a "fat" comment would make her insecure again. I don't think I could forgive my boyfriend for this, because clearly there is something else going on here.

men should think of it in terms of "size matters", if you were self-consciou about your size and she said you were fine to her, then one dayin the heat of anger she calls you tiny.... that is going
to be on your mind every time you go to perform. She may eventually
forgive but she won't forget it. She must have been right for
you to deflect the topic to her weight....

I had to say undecided. I deal with body image quite a bit myself. If my husband said he thought I was fat, no matter what was going on, that would be one of the most hurtful things he could say to me. I think that enough on my own.
It depends a lot on your relationship in the first place, whether it was strong, or even if she felt that it is worth proceeding. If she loves you enough, she will be able to forgive, and hopefully get over it. If not, well...
You said in your post that she hadn't mentioned anything about her weight in a while. It sounds to me like she was making a concentrated effort to not bring it up, or maybe knew how much it bothered you. For you to throw that in her face would be the ultimate insult.

Oh and by the way, don't expect sex anytime soon. Why in hell would she want to get naked around you now? If she does have sex with you, she will probably enjoy it a lot less than before because she will be worried the whole time what you are thinking about her jiggly thighs or flabby stomach. Yeah, you just shot yourself in the foot. Jackass.

Imagine if you felt really insecure about yourself in some way. Then imagine that the person who is supposed to love you the most attacked your weak spot to intentionally hurt you. Yeah, pretty cruel, manipulative and immature. What it does is erode that person's ability to trust you in the long term. I am guessing that you have some serious insecurities of your own, so you picked on hers. Not cool. Most women have very real body image issues. Some of this is because we are constantly bombarded in the media by perfect images of women. It is very difficult to never ever feel good enough. Why do you think so many young girls suffer from eating disorders! And stupid jackasses like you only add to the problem.
I vote not forgive! Man up and stop being an immature asshole!

I don't think you can ever repair your relationship with her after this.
In fact you may have just f*cked up the next few of her relationships too.
A very similar situation happened to me years ago. I have struggled with an eating disorder since my early teens. He knew that and used it against me. It's the worst feeling - someone you have been vulnerable with uses your great inner shame and fear against you? It is unconscienable.
She deserves an apology from you. But she probably doesn't even want to look at you, so I suggest writing a letter, and don't expect to get a reply.
I know this is harsh, but using someone's deepest fears against them is just plain cruel.

I wouldn't forgive you, not just because you called her fat, but because you're clearly inable to be in a serious relationship with this girl. She was talking to you about legitimate concerns, such as the fact that you're being inattentive and moody, and you respond with a second-grade retort? Your comment reflects more on your maturity level, and probably even more relationship problems in the future. If she gives you a chance, don't stoop so low again!

NOT FORGIVE - That is SO mean. Especially b/c you know it is a constant serious issue in her mind. Especially b/c she has been working on not thinking about it so much and being happy w/o thinking so. You've probably traumatized her for life.

You complain about her sex drive.....which is lacking because of her low self-esteem which you do not understand yet the moment she is feeling better you use her insecurities as an attack? Why are you even asking this question...