Yet Another Horrible, Terrible Global Conspiracy

Fake News written by James Baughn on Sunday, November 11, 2001

They've got operatives everywhere. No discussion, no meeting, no presentation is hidden from their spies. Their iron-clad grip over the world is complete; they are in control.

No, we're not talking about Microsoft. The shadowy organization in question is the GNU Project. Their mission? To track down and chastise every person who says "Linux" instead of "GNU/Linux".

The staff of Humorix had a run-in with one of the GNU/Linuxistas last week. It wasn't a pleasant experience.

We were sitting down to the weekly staff meeting to discuss new story ideas when somebody said the word "Linux". Out of nowhere, a masked figure appeared and said, "It's GNU/Linux, dammit!"

He disappeared in a poof of smoke. Naturally, one of our less gifted employees (Mr. Moe Ronn, the part-time janitor and coffee machine mechanic) immediately blurted out "Linux" without thinking.

The masked figure materialized again out of thin air and yelled, "What did I just say? Don't you people listen? When a shadowy figure suddenly appears out of nowhere, it's just common courtesy to show a little respect and listen to him!"

The intruder covered his ears to avoid hearing the painful and incorrect word. "Silence! If you don't start calling the operating system by the correct term, you will be sorry!"

Jon Splatz, chief pundit, yelled, "Yeah? You and what army?"

Immediately several more of the shadowy figures appeared out of thin air. They all looked alike. One Humorix employee later said they looked like clones of Richard M. Stallman, but since none of us have ever seen RMS, we can't be sure.

Our own Mr. Ronn, not realizing the gravity of the situation, blurted out, "There's no law requiring people to mention the GNU Project every time they talk about a certain operating system based on a kernel not created by the GNU Project!"

Of course, Moe Ronn pronounced "GNU" as "Gee-Enn-You" which didn't help matters any.

"It's GNU, dammit, not G-N-U!" one of the masked intruders yelled. "GNU/Linux! GNU/Linux! GNU/Linux! Why is that so hard for you guys to say?"

Thankfully, fate stepped in to save the day. One of the GNU/Linuxistas received a message from GNU World Headquarters near Boston that said, "Emergency! Code Red! Bill Gates has just given a presentation where he tried to claim that he helped invent Open Source. All agents rendezvous in Redmond immediately to re-educate Gates and the audience. For one thing, it's 'Free Software', not 'Open Source'! Let's move!"

The masked intruders disappeared as quickly as they had arrived. Thankfully, they never returned. Just to be safe, the Humorix staff has been diligent in referring to Linus Torvalds' creation as the "Operating System Formerly Known As Linux", or OSFKAL.

Let this be a warning to you. The GNU Project knows where you live. They know when you don't say "GNU/Linux". They know about your nasty habit of using the incorrect term "Open Source". When you least expect it, one of their operatives will arrive in your computer room unannounced.