(And that jackass guidance counselor said they’d never amount to anything.)

UFC color man Joe Rogan and rubber guard impressario Eddie Bravo are in High Times (props to The Marvelous One on the UG for the find), apparently just sitting around and thinking about what an awesome invention nachos are. If this picture makes you uncomfortable, definitely don’t click "Read More."

If, on the other hand, you’d love to see what pure, unadulterated joy looks like, and you’d also like to be kind of creeped out at the same time, then have at it.

We are live at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas for an extra-special, on-the-scene liveblog of UFC 91. What does that mean for your life? It means preliminary results, witty observations about crowd members, and constant updates as to what Arianny Celeste is up to throughout the night. At the same time, I don’t want to miss out on all your hilarious quips about the live broadcast, including but not limited to the banter between Joe Rogan and the century man, Mike Goldberg, so please fill me in with your comments.

Liveblog begins after the jump. Hit refresh often. If you don’t want the prelims spoiled for you…too bad. Just suck it up and deal.

Joe Rogan and Dana White mark out hard about Brock Lesnar’s athleticism and Randy Couture’s unquantifiable champion essence in this in-depth look at UFC 91′s marquee matchup. One of the talking points is that Lesnar’s strength and wrestling ability will negate Couture’s natural advantages — though that could easily work the other way. As of now, Couture is a very slight betting underdog against Lesnar. Betting against him, historically speaking, is not a great idea.

Below: Tracy Morgan actually name-checked Kimbo Slice on Late Night With Conan O’Brien last night. Conan had no idea who he was referring to, and Morgan explained that they’re actually related. Who knew? After the jump: “The Passion.”

Joe Rogan has a new tattoo (well a few months old) which took over 5 sessions to complete, but it’s pretty amazing. Aaron Della Vedova from Guru Tattoo is the artist who did all of this amazing work. Apparently the sleeve tattoo depicts Joe’s DMT (Spirit Molecule) trip where he hallucinated and saw an Alien Thai Buddha made out of energy telling him not to give into astonishment. If you look at the molecule in the center of the tattoo it’s the DMT, Dimethyltryptamine, molecule.

Don’t do it, Joe! DO NOT GIVE IN TO ASTONISHMENT!!!

I can’t imagine a bigger hippie move than tattooing your own psychedelic vision on your arm. He’s going to run out of body space if he keeps taking up real estate like this. What if he has another, even crazier trip the next time he goes DMT’ing, and one of those machine elves is like “I would love it if you tattooed our little adventure on your left arm, that would really make me happy.” Because he’s basically screwed at that point.

Ah, beautiful Omaha, Nebraska. Where any mention of the Cornhuskers is enough to work a crowd into a frenzy. I just returned from the Ultimate Fight Night 15 weigh-in, which was fairly uneventful except for the odd fact that every single fighter weighed in precisely on the mark. Every middleweight hit 185 on the button. Every lightweight, 155 exactly. You get the picture. It was eerie. Makes you wonder if the athletic commission here isn’t just phoning it in. One guy who seemed a bit nervous about the whole thing was Clay Guida, who stepped on the scale as if he were trying to sneak up on it. Maybe his brother’s troubles have him worried.

But the most interesting thing to happen at the weigh-in had nothing to do with the fighters on Wednesday night’s card. Before things got underway, Matt Hughes answered questions from the fans who arrived early. He talked at length about how good Robbie Lawler is, how he wouldn’t advise Lawler to fight Anderson Silva, but would like to see him face Georges St. Pierre, whose stand-up game is not as good as Lawler’s, according to Hughes.

“I know I want to see that fight,” he said. “I wouldn’t even want to corner Robbie. I’d just want to sit on the side and watch.”

But then, when the Q&A session was over, Hughes asked for a couple extra minutes on the mic. He said that he often gets asked about his most memorable story in the fight game, and then proceeded to share, unprompted, a tale from his “pre-Christian” days.

It seems Hughes was down in New Orleans and on Bourbon Street with Pat Miletich and some of the boys after a fight. He and Miletich got into a drinking contest, chugging beers out on the street with both fists. They had just finished slamming a couple and were walking down the street when Miletich stopped and bent over to puke in the street. Then he walked a couple steps, puked some more, then kept going, stopped, and puked some more. At some point, Miletich looked over at Hughes and pointed to the gaping space where his false teeth should be. Pat Miletich, MMA great, had just realized that he puked out his false teeth.

So what did he do? He walked back and sifted through each pile of vomit until he found them. And when he found them? He poured beer on them, put them back in his mouth, and kept going.

If you still care about the official weigh-in results after that, they’re after the jump:

(‘I came to chew bubblegum and represent the 209. I am all out of bubblegum.’)

No one can see the future, but as long as we’re going to speculate as to how things will turn out in Omaha on Wednesday (and let’s face it, we are), we might as well go all the way with predictions so specific they can’t possible come true….or can they?

Nate Diaz vs. Josh Neer

Despite his impressive performances since coming off “The Ultimate Fighter,” the UFC doesn’t seem interested in moving Diaz up in competition. Instead they move him laterally, pitting him against the journeyman Neer, who Nate’s big bro already beat. It’ll be no easy task for Diaz to top his double-birdie performance against Kurt Pellegrino, but he’s a showman. Diaz will get bullied around the Octagon by Neer early on, but at some point he’ll remember he’s the better submissions fighter. The thought will dawn on him all at once and he’ll jump on Neer’s back, lock in a standing rear-naked choke, and extend his middle fingers on either side of Neer’s head as he submits.

When will it happen: 3:17, round two.

What to watch for: the look on Joe Rogan’s face when he has to interview Diaz after the bout and ask him to talk us through the Bud Light replay. What isn’t bleeped out will be completely unintelligible.

Mac Danzig vs. Clay Guida

This is the kind of fight worth getting excited about. The stoic, cerebral Danzig takes on Enkidu, the wild man of the woods (officially known as Clay Guida). It’s the classic highly-technical vegan vs. tough-but-crazy caveman battle. Danzig will start overly cautious and be initially overwhelmed as Guida wades into him with reckless abandon. But as the fight wears on Danzig will start to figure things out, striking and circling and wearing Guida out with knees to the body. Then Guida will freak out, charging right into a triangle choke, and his face will be blocked by his hair as it changes colors before he finally consents to tap.

When will it happen: 2:03, round three.

What to watch for: Guida’s brother, who failed to make weight for his first “Ultimate Fighter” bout and was reportedly kicked off the show for it, will appear on camera at some point looking sad and not eating.

This Saturday, September 13 Spike TV is airing a TUF 1 marathon and special reunion show. As you can see from the clip, some of those old rivalries haven’t been forgotten. Give Joe Rogan some credit, he doesn’t shy away from asking Bobby Southworth whether he felt bad about the whole ‘fatherless bastard’ remark. We don’t get to see his answer in this clip, but let’s hope it’s yes.

Check out Dana White’s closing video blog entry for UFC 88 after the jump. They’ve apparently decided to go with quantity over quality, as this is the longest one yet. For some real fun, skip to the 9:00 mark to see Chuck Liddell‘s pre-fight preparations, which tells you a lot about what kind of fight he was expecting. Afterwards Dana has to corral Rashad Evans‘ wife while simultaneously stopping Chuck Liddell and John Hackleman from jetting out of the Octagon. That’s a hard-working man, right there.

(‘What if we got, like, a studio apartment together somewhere. We’d have so much fun! No? Nah, you’re right. I was just goofing.’ Photo courtesy of Combat Lifestyle.)

Atlanta, Georgia, are you ready to have your world rocked? Are you ready to have Mike Goldberg refer to you as ‘Hot-lanta’ at least three times, while Joe Rogan seizes any and every opportunity to point out the rubber guard? Well, you better be, because that’s what’s happening. I can hardly freaking wait.

We’ll be documenting all the zany action and half-cocked commentary as the night unfolds, cracking wise and making fairly obvious but mildly humorous observations all night long, so buckle in and get your commenting hat on. We’re dying to hear all your LOL’s and OMG’s. Maybe even the occasional WTF, although don’t get carried away. We’ve got a long night ahead of us. Hit refresh every so often, or get left behind.

— During an appearance at Combat Sports Challenge 26 in Colonial Heights, Virginia, TUF 7 winner Amir Sadollah revealed that he expects his next fight to be at UFC 91 in November. His opponent should be announced in the near future.

— Michael Bisping thinks that Quinton Jackson’s next fight will be in December, against either Wanderlei Silva or Mauricio Rua: “[E]ither way, revenge is the dish that’ll be served up on the night! I’m sure whoever he gets in December, everyone at the Wolfslair will be behind him 100 per cent and fingers crossed he’ll get his revenge.”

— The UFC recently reunited eight castmembers from The Ultimate Fighter‘s first season to film an upcoming TV special. MMA Junkie provides some advance highlights, like when Joe Rogan asked the cast how much better they did with the women after being part of the show:

“If you’re in a relationship you want out of, now is the time to speak up,” Stephan Bonnar shouted, laughing.

When no one was willing to talk, Rogan called them “a bunch of (expletives).”

Forrest Griffin, now the UFC’s light heavyweight champion, broke the tension by shouting, “Hey, I don’t know about you guys, but I was doing pretty good with the women before.”