100 Reasons

Tony Tells Why Newport News Is No. 100 And Worchester, Mass., Isn't

April 26, 1991|Compiled by TONY GABRIELE Staff Writer

In a recent exchange of newspaper columns, it was noted that Newport News has grown to become the 100th largest city in the United States, dislodging the town of Worcester, Mass., from the Top 100 list. Worcester is now No. 101.

Now, the question has arisen: Newport News may have the numbers, but is it, well, morally entitled to be one of the bigger apples?

Now that we have achieved such eminence, we have to demonstrate that we've earned it. How do we know that Worchester, stung by its demotion to the lower echelons of America's metropolises, will not rise again and surpass us in the near future?

It has been established that Newport News and Worcester are both pretty much blue-collar towns. The challenge, then, is to be the best blue-collar town you can be, the bluest of the blue.

With that in mind, here they are - the 100 top reasons why Newport News deserves to be No. 100.

1. Newport News is the gateway to the great port of Hampton Roads. Worcester is the gateway to Interstate 290.

2. We get to root for the Washington Redskins. They have to root for the New England Patriots.

3. We're in ACC country and can watch great college basketball. They have Holy Cross and can watch lousy college football.

4. Plus they get their hearts broken every year by the Red Sox.

5. Newport News has a submarine named after it. Worcester doesn't.

6. Blue-collar cuisine: What do they have that could compare with Monty's Penguin?

7. Or Hot Dog King?

8. Or the Blue Star Diner?

9. Or What-A-Burger?

10. Or the Sanitary Restaurant?

11. We have all those Navy guys at the shipyard in their work uniforms. I mean, talk about your blue collars.

12. The train still stops here.

13. Come to think of it, the train also starts here.

14. And you can flag it down in Lee Hall, too.

15. We are on the mighty James River. Worcester is on the piddly Blackstone River.

16. We have movies for a buck at the Village Theater.

17. We don't have snooty night clubs where some gigolo at the door decides whether you're hip enough to get in or not.

18. Donald Trump never bought anything here and named it after himself.

19. Worcester's population peaked at 203,000 in 1950. All those people who left must have known something.

20. Worcester is too close to Boston for comfort.

21. You can step outside in Newport News and catch crabs. You can step outside in Worcester and catch colds.

24. People in Worcester probably think it's an advantage that you can't order a plate of grits there.

25. They haven't fully grasped the concept of hush puppies, either.

26. The Peninsula SPCA, right off J. Clyde Morris Boulevard. What other town has a drive-by zoo?

27. The shipyard has the world's biggest crane. Impressive, huh? Huh?

28. Everyone knows those people up North talk funny.

29. What other town has a J. Clyde Morris Boulevard?

30. They have a big city park. But ours is lots bigger.

31. Newport News is the birthplace of Pearl Bailey and Ella Fitzgerald.

32. Worcester is the birthplace of two of the New Kids on the Block.

33. Just up the road we have Williamsburg, Jamestown, Yorktown. Just up the road they have suburban Worcester.

34. They have to do their swimming in swimming pools, which lack the thrill and challenge of dodging jellyfish.

35. Two words: Fresh fish.

36. Speaking of fish, it's about time to start fishing for blues down here. Up there, the anglers' fingers and toes are still blue.

37. And the spot, croaker and flounder will show up not long after.

38. And don't forget the channel catfish.

39. We have that big propeller at the Mariners Museum entrance. What a cool landmark.

40. You like seeing the dogwoods blossom? Don't go to Worcester.

41. Ditto if you want to see the crape myrtles blossom later on.

42. Ditto the magnolia blossoms.

43. They're dreaming of a White Thanksgiving.

44. But don't be fooled. They have mosquitoes, too.

45. Who wants a New England boiled dinner when you can have pork barbecue?

46. Or she-crab soup?

47. When you meet a stranger and say, "I'm from Newport News,'' the other person will say, "What an odd name for a city,'' and you can launch into the story about Captain Christopher Newport coming to the relief of the Jamestown settlers, and the conversation will be off to a rousing start.

48. Whereas if you meet a stranger and say, "I'm from Worcester,'' the other person will realize that he has been mispronouncing its name all these years and will feel like a fool, and the conversation will lapse into an embarrassed silence.

49. You can't drive to the Little Ole Opry at Donk's from there.

50. Worcester probably has a severe shortage of good ol' boys.

51. And a smaller selection of country-music radio stations, too.

52. Ain't it neat to beat your feet on the Warwick River mud?

53. The James River Idle Fleet: We have more ships than we know what to do with.