Marianne Brandon, a clinical psychologist with a private practice in Annapolis, Maryland, offers some startling advice to women in long-term relationships in her new book, Unlocking The Sexy in Surrender.

As a psychologist specializing in sex therapy, how many couples come to you because of a lack of interest in sex?

Lack of sexual passion is the most common problem sex therapists see in our practices. It’s far more common than problems with any specific sexual behaviors. While every couple is different, the most common scenario I see are couples with a strong emotional connection, a caring and respectful commitment to one another—they like one another—but they just don’t feel the sexual spark any longer. Maybe he prefers porn. Perhaps she prefers reading erotica or online flirting. But even though they started out with a lot of sexual passion, it’s not there any more. The women in particular usually say they want greater emotional and physical intensity in their sexual relationship—like they used to have.

A lot of therapists are trained to believe that sex problems stem from emotional or communication problems. Is this what you find?

In my first five or six years as a therapist, whenever I worked with a couple with problems with sexual desire, I did start out by trying to help them resolve underlying emotional conflicts. Maybe conflict over pushy in-laws; resentment that one partner works too much or works too little; or frustration that one partner spends too much—or is too stingy. However, even after these emotional issues dramatically improved, the sex rarely did. After a while, it became clear to me that the methods I had been taught simply did not work for sexual problems. Something else was going on, something other than emotional or psychological conflicts. That’s when I turned to other kinds of research looking for answers—biology, anthropology, neuroscience, and the latest sex research.

So what is the root of these couples’ sexual problems? Do we just get bored with the same thing?

Familiarity with one another is a very vague description of the problem, but if we brush off a lack of sexual desire as “simple boredom” then we overlook the critical details of the true cause of sexual stagnation. We can go deeper and ask: What is it exactly about familiarity that is affecting us so much? What is happening in our sexual brains that causes them to shut down? Can we do better than just saying that boredom dooms us to bad sex?

It turns out that new findings in biology and neuroscience provide us with much greater clarity about the diminishment of sexual passion. It turns out that the problem is not nearly as simple as "familiarity." And once we understand what it really is, it becomes clear that this problem is actually the single greatest challenge to long-term relationships in the twenty-first century.

And what is it?

It’s a conflict between one of the greatest cultural triumphs in the history of our species and one of the most primitive and potent animal instincts in our species. It’s a conflict between the admirable values of feminism and the neural reality of our primal sexual brain.

Women have made marvelous progress over the last hundred years. We run Fortune 500 companies, win Nobel prizes in science, fly fighter planes over battlefields. We have taken control of our lives. But ironically, when we enter the bedroom, this urge for control comes into direct conflict with our sexual brains.

Within the classroom, stateroom, and boardroom, our similarities are more evident than our differences. In the bedroom, however, our differences matter—and matter absolutely. This psychic split is especially vivid in long-term relationships, which tend to push a couple’s interactions out of the realm of animal passions and into more cerebral realms of compromise, equity, and familiarity.

But what the science shows is that our animal sexual brains crave an asymmetry of power in the bedroom. Women’s bodies still long to be sexually taken by a man who is capable of over-powering her with his strength, but chooses to love her. And men still crave a responsive, open lover—one who will enthusiastically follow his lead. The exquisite dance of sexual domination and submission remains an intoxicating element of love-making, in spite of our desire for equality in other aspects of life.

What can couples do with this knowledge?

The first step is recognizing the problem: Once you understand that the problem is not that he is playing video games, or that she is working late, or that it's not the simple fact that you see each other every day, it becomes possible to make effective changes.

There are steps you can take to restore sexual passion once you begin to understand that it’s not boredom itself that’s the problem—it’s that your familiarity works against the asymmetric power roles that your sexual brain craves. Once these roles are restored, there’s often a resurgence of sexual passion. But this certainly isn’t easy, especially for modern, enlightened couples who are used to respectful, equitable interactions. It’s a very difficult tradeoff to manage, and this is why I’ve devoted my career to helping people figure out how to implement this tradeoff and restore erotic intensity to their lives. That’s why I wrotethis book—I want to take the insights and practical techniques that actually work in my clinical practice and share them with everyone.

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One main problem is health. Many men with health issues, have sexual problems..erectile dysfunction. The side effect of many cardiac and anti hypertension medications is loss of libido and loss of ability to have a complete erection. One failure creates many more or the fear of trying.

Low testosterone...nonsense. Maybe if you are talking specifically about Caucasian males only. I know plenty of Asian, Middle Eastern or mixed men that have dense hair all over their bodies and scalp, well past their 40s. Not a sign of low testosterone whatsoever.

Hair and hair loss is only slightly related to testosterone. There are many other factors, some simply genetic. I can assure you there are Caucasian males with a full head of hear past age 60 who still have raging libidos. And bald men with no libido whatsoever.

A stronger correlation might be with fitness. An aging overweight smoker is far less likely to have a good libido and performance than an athletic nonsmoker who exercises every day and eats healthy.

I can honestly say that with my 25th anniversary less than a month away that our sex life has never been better, even compared to when we were newlyweds. And yes, a big part of still having that passionate desire for my wife is that in the bedroom we have embraced that oh so politically incorrect power dynamic. It doesn't matter that my hair is going grey and I weigh a fair bit more than I did on our wedding day, or that her body shows the effects of birthing our 6 wonderful kid. We both desire each other and nobody else.

You have to know where to draw the line though, there is a difference between being a confident dominant male and being an abusive bully. And there is a difference between being a submissive, enthusiastic wife and being a doormat.

As a lesbian who has this same issue, I don't think it has anything to do with roles. It's simply a total lack of desire. I haven't met many men who don't want sex. It's usually the woman. (I was married for 12 years to a man and identified as bisexual or straight most of my early life) The older I get, the less I want sex and it has nothing to do with my relationship or with any desire to be overpowered in the bedroom. Seems to be simple hormones.

I get how feminism can get in the way. It's created harm in a number of areas in marriages and families today.

I am a successful woman but not a feminist. I know in my marriage of 20 years, passion equates to being one and connected with my spouse. When we are vulnerable and honest, keeping no secrets, we are truly one and intimacy is brought to a totally different level. In fact, our sex life is better today than it was when we were 20.

Being that sex is the gift of marriage, I have a strong hope that all married couples can find true passion and enjoy the sex that is intended for their relationship creating a oneness that builds a foundation that can endure anything!!

It´s a wrong understanding of feminism, if women think feminists shuldn´t be submissive in bed and let the men be dominant. Feminism is about equal rights of men and women, freedom of choices for women, of ending discrimination of women, equal access to education and work and so on. It´s absolutely a feminist goal, that men and women are sexually pleased, if everything happens consensual. So feminism encourages women to be submissive in bed, if they like, to tell what they like and isn´t about dominating or using men, if both don´t like it.

Again with the "Feminism is to blame..." crap. The fact that you are a successful woman is in large part *because* of feminism. I see you are living with the benefits of those who came before you, who fought for your right to go to work if you want to, stay at home if you want to, pursue the career you want to, etc. and yet you dismiss them as nothing more than a problem that needs to go away.

Also, sex is not a "gift" of marriage...it's a basic need that most humans have.

In my experience as a 50-something dating divorcee, I am very interested in sex but many men my age (and even a bit younger) have ED problems, which is disappointing. I am kind and supportive as can be, but I would be hesitant to get into a relationship with someone who has ED problems and hasn't addressed it with a doctor to understand what's happening.

The same is true for 50-something men. Many of the women they might like to date are in menopause or have reduced libido and dryness. But it's true at any age that the pool of people you might want to date will have one thing or another that's not what you're looking for.

So look on the positive side of it. If you are a 50-something woman who wants frequent and good sex, I guarantee you there are 50-something men who complain that it's hard to find sexually vibrant 50-something women. So you just have to find one of those men!

No, ED is really where you can't get an erection even when you are attracted, not when you're NOT attracted. If I don't get an erection when I stare at a rock on the ground, that's not ED.

As for losing your mojo because you've been around the block and age, that doesn't happen to everyone. There are men in their 70's in excellent health who can get it up for anyone. Or continue to get it up for the same woman for 40 years. Sorry to pop your little bubble.

For me, the statement that sexual desire declines in long- term relationships, because of the gender roles, does not explain why the desire is strong in the beginning of a relationship and then changes. Are the gender roles different in the beginning- women and men are more submissive and dominant and then somehow they realize, that in a world, where gender equivalence is an ideal, this kind of sex is not "political correct"(ironic off)? I don´t think so.

This article points out a lot about research about women´s sexual diesires:

And recently some people statet, that most men demand their female partners even decades after meeting the first time (which doesn´t mean that they don´t demand other women and maybe have sexual intercourse with others), while it´s normal that womens demand declines much over the years (and they nearly have as often other sexual affairs than men in the meantime). Some state, that it´s maybe the model of love we´ve been told, that betrayes us all the time- while we aren´t made for this. At least it obviously doesn´t work very well, but I´m not aware of a better solution, cause polyamore relationships work even more worse, statistically. I can´t post a scientific source, because I know only some in german language (sorry for my englsh by the way).

THANK YOU! You are so right. Why would the roles be any different at the beginning of a relationship? I know the roles haven't changed at all. I have always made more money in our relationship, and he leaves most decisions up to me. But, sexual desire has decreased since the beginning of our relationship.

Both, the female and male state of mind at the point of falling in love is described by neuroscientists as nearly psychotic.

I'm sorry, I can't cite my source, but as I read it in some popular book about neuroscience, even the concentration of testosterone in new couples brains is changed to compatible level for some time, to make it easier to develop a relationship. Like an opening door to letting yourself in to a stranger.

For me it seems rather reasonable, that, once the relationship has been established, archaic role models were effective in keeping a couple tied together. One depended on another.

Wich then would mean, because you would only allow sb. you are connected closely already to to dominate you for good, (and react aggressive to a stranger acting like this,) the entrance time corridor to longtime (sexual) relationship even HAD to be different from the long term behavior.

Anybody has to find out for her/ himself, but to experience sexual aspects of this archaic behavior is possible in a reflected and safe situation and can trigger an even more trustful and caring connection.

Its a personal and intimate way and it is to be gone one curious step after another. Anybody's heart has, for sure, its own dark corners to be explored. Can be fun, also...

Firstly, I think that whatever works for people sexually is their business and is wonderful. For me personally, asymmetrical power dynamics do not give me the sense of connection and intimate transcendence that is so important to my partner and I. And I would very much like to see the research upon which the author has based her conclusion that all women ultimately desire to be dominated and all men have the intrinsic urge to control. One only has to briefly visit the NSFW portion of the internet to see just how many men out there actively advertise that they're seeking a 'Mistress' - a female dom to 'put them in their place'. I think that there is never a one-size-fits-all sexual solution, and I certainly don't think the author has discovered it.

This is such a simplistic and small reason for problems with sexual desire. Most problems come fromheterosexual relationships being stuck in man being the taker and women being the taken. I spent many years as a professional dominatrix and the reason men came to me is the fact they also needed to be taken. The most sucessful relationships I've seen are ones where there is a versatility, a chance to explore different roles. However this entirely depends on individual needs. We need honesty and the freedom to move away from old stereotypes to truly have a good sex life..

"It’s a conflict between the admirable values of feminism and the neural reality of our primal sexual brain."

i never thought i would ever hear this from the psychological community. kudos to the author!

Men have known this for years! It can be hard for us to navigate the intricate web of feminist contradictions....as in....we're told to be sex negative, not to objectify women, not to look at porn, not to ask women on a date in college or the workplace, (see elevatorgate)
yet our female counterparts are encouraged to be the opposite; slutty, boozy, loud, bossy and sex positive.

Whilst 'ladette culture' is encouraged, Lad culture is reviled.... to the point where growing a beard is institutional misogyny and opening ones legs on public transport is a product of the EEEVIL patriarchy.

We're told from an early age that we're all potential rapists in the making. We are told that we are all part of a rape culture and "all heterosexual sex is rape". Some go further as to suggest we are pedophiles and we now have practices where it's ok to move men away from children on airplanes just in case like.

Women-- especially feminist leaning women-- LOVE power in real life but also love to have that power taken away in the bedroom.
Most men don't know this because they have been conditioned to believe they are worthless scum rapist animals.
Most women don't know how to communicate this because it flies directly in the face of the ideals of their feminist fore-sisters.
No wonder so many people are fucked up nowadays.
(incidentally I've noticed feminists tend to instigate rape fantasies at a much higher rate than non-feminist women )

Anyways good article. I wish you luck trying to convince your feminist sisters in academia and beyond!

I don't understand how a man who you love, used to be in love with (due to several breakups over vile, obnoxious comments) thinks that you would be sexually aroused by him. First, of all you've helped this man financially, home-wise (homeless due to eviction) several lies upon lies. It got so twisted that He actually demanded that I have dinner waiting and bath drawn. STFU, I started losing respect first, then without respect , love lost. I tolerated him living with me. Because, I have a kind heart, and it was a brutal winter. he had no family here. but, far from a fool. He contributed nothing towards my bills or rent.So, when he tried to cozy up , I backed up. he would get mad and verbally trash me, and gather his belongings and leave. Sleeping wherever he could for a few nights (old women friends) so you know he slept with them. Nasty ass. When that wore out, because he didn't pay them for staying there. Mind you he likes to go for hours (4), I guess to whip you into falling under his sexual spell. I have vibrators that turn me on and finish me in 15 mins. I can satisfy myself for free and no talking.... I explained to him ,I didn't want a relationship with him until he sought therapy for his wounds as child by his mother being very verbally abusive. NO EXCUSE!! He lied and said he was going, and kept cancelling. I offered to accompany him for support as a friend. He would get mad and call me Bipolar and that it was me who needed the help. He is a wonderful grandfather, terrible father to his son of 20 yrs. His son, reaches out to me as his mother. Because, his father raised him alone. He told me this has been their whole life. being put out of women's homes because of the way he spoke to them. That our relationship was the longest one he was EVER in. Due, to trying to make him see that he could be loved. But, I love me first. Everyone thinks he the sweetest guy, because I have MS and when I'm sick he takes excellent care of me. Doesn't leave my side , even when I'm hospitalized. Soon as I'm fine. He starts again with the stress to trigger my illness again, so he can take care of me. I can't deal with it anymore, I have to think about myself, now that he's gotten a place now. He thought we would resume sex. NOT!!, So, the mouth is back at work all over facebook. His family likes me more than him and voices it. They tell me to run. I doesn't deserve me.So, trying to put on a façade he invited me and my grans to his family reunion out of town. He doesn't even know the majority of his family. He as never met them physically, because his mother didn't introduce him growing up. He found them on Fb. I , on the other hand have met a few of them visiting their State because of my family. Beautiful people. I can't, Because, he would act like we're still together and I'm not a fake. So, he went for the jugular vein and said; some AWFUL things even though he's blocked on mine. His family told me. they begged me to come, because they like me and my grans. I know this is like OMG. But, Do you think for his sake this is what he needs to change. To see his mom after 30 years and fix his broken self. Or, Just run completely in the other direction and let him lie in his pathetic miserable mind for the rest of his life until he has NO one in his life period. That's where his only son is right now. Doesn't want him in his life. When on college break he stays with me, and goes to my family events. He never had that. They've treated him like family from day one. His son says he's not going unless I go.. What should I do?

I was surprised to see such strong statements with no research quoted to back it up. I was in an abusive relationship for many years, and my male partner wanted to be controlled by me sexually as well as the other way around. I am now in a very healthy, committed relationship with a much gentler man, and even he finds me dominating a turn on some of the time. What about same sex relationships? This article is very superficial, and I'm surprised Psychology Today have posted it.

If this premise was true then it would mean that married couples before the feminist revolution had great sex since for the most part the majority of women were not in a position of power in the workforce. Many were at home. So for the most part traditional roles were played out here.

But trust me married couples did not have great sex back then. The majority of couples just lived with unsatisfying physical intimacy over time, oh and the men had affairs. Very few expected to have that same level of passion that they had when they first met.

The only difference is that today couples expect to have sexual passion for the duration of the marriage, which I believe is false belief for the majority of the couples out there. The lack of sexual passion is not due to the fact that women want to be a tiger in the boardroom but a mouse in the bedroom. Looks like you'll have to go back to the drawing boardroom

love and desire is the key.. if the feeling for the partner no longer exists, the desire will also fade.. conflicts and problems affects the desire for sex.. if you have a bad feeling against your partner how will you be ever interested in having an intercourse with him/her? just always keep the relationship smooth and everything will follow..

A hit song stays on the hit parade only so long. This satiation effect seems to be bred into us as a result of our biological history. Once bonded by passion, though, one seldom loses the bonding and feelings of care for another person. But the satiation effect of monogamy, coupled with the challenge of the awesome mystery of a new person's personality and body is so powerful. This driving and powerful cross-mating passion worked before our primal tribal grouping system was destroyed by the rise of our civilization and replaced with MASS, DISCONNECTED, DYSFUNCTIONAL NON-COMMUNITIES by the rise of civilization. Thus today, it is more than sex that does not work. Without our primal grouping system, mating, family and child development DO NOT WORK. Our relationships are dysfunctional and our lives are broken and unfulfilled. We need to return to WHAT WE ARE and THE GROUPING SYSTEM WE EVOLVED TO LIVE IN.

In response to the lady above with the abusive, controlling husband. Generally speaking, there can be no "cure" for sexual desire when a man is dominating and abusive. The man has mental problems. And from his history and family observation, the problem may be hard wired into his brain.

Other solutions:

Polyamory is mentioned above.

Also, bring it back the way it went away. Reverse the process.

THE PRINCIPLE: Satiation decreases the desire. Deprivation increases the desire.

THE BEHAVIOR: Intentionally agree to go without sex for awhile (a long while).

But many people would not be willing to do these. The option in modern society with fewer problems--become buddies and forget sex. But sex is strong and there is the irresistible option so many take: Sneak around, find a strange and secret sex partner. This often ends up with a new bonding with the new partner and wipes out what might be an otherwise good relationship.

Is there an ideal answer?

I think there is. The best answer to this problem and a lot of other behavioral problems is to leave the fake superficial existence we are all living in the disconnected mass non-communities of modern civilization and return to the pattern we evolved to live--THE SMALL LOVING EMOTIONALLY-BONDED COMMUNITY, the grouping system our civilization wiped out. We did not evolved to live so disconnected and alone. We evolved to live in loving, caring SMALL communities of not more than 150 people. This program is possible without leaving your present living situation. I have an unpublished book/program written on this and how to do it.

I truly believe they are the way to go. I don't think it's that much of a mystery why people lose interest over time. It DOES come down to boredom. Try eating the same food every night for dinner for decades and tell me you don't get sick of it. It doesn't matter how much you love something, humans are programmed to want variety. Obviously we accept this about men but it certainly rings just as true for women, we are just conditioned to believe that women aren't supposed to want sexual variety and that it's shameful if we do, so women aren't as open about it.

I say all this as a woman in a long-term relationship who is dealing with this very issue. oh, and also, men letting themselves go physically over the course of a relationship is just as offputting (sexually and otherwise) to women as it is to men when their female partners do the same. make no mistake.

A hit song stays on the hit parade only so long. This satiation effect seems to be bred into us as a result of our biological history. Once bonded by passion, though, one seldom loses the bonding and feelings of care for another person. But the satiation effect of monogamy, coupled with the challenge of the awesome mystery of a new person's personality and body is so powerful. This driving and powerful cross-mating passion worked before our primal tribal grouping system was destroyed by the rise of our civilization and replaced with MASS, DISCONNECTED, DYSFUNCTIONAL NON-COMMUNITIES. Thus today, it is more than sex that does not work. Without our primal grouping system, mating, family and child development DO NOT WORK. Our relationships are dysfunctional and our lives are broken and unfulfilled. We need to return to WHAT WE ARE and THE GROUPING SYSTEM WE EVOLVED TO LIVE IN.

A hit song stays on the hit parade only so long. This satiation effect seems to be bred into us as a result of our biological history. Once bonded by passion, though, one seldom loses the bonding and feelings of care for another person. But the satiation effect of monogamy, coupled with the challenge of the awesome mystery of a new person's personality and body is so powerful. This driving and powerful cross-mating passion worked before our primal tribal grouping system was destroyed by the rise of our civilization and replaced with MASS, DISCONNECTED, DYSFUNCTIONAL NON-COMMUNITIES. Thus today, it is more than sex that does not work. Without our primal grouping system, mating, family and child development DO NOT WORK. Our relationships are dysfunctional and our lives are broken and unfulfilled. We need to return to WHAT WE ARE and THE GROUPING SYSTEM WE EVOLVED TO LIVE IN.

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