Things You Never Think in Your Thirties

"I can't be pale" Smelling of biscuits and having orange hands was obviously massively important to me in my twenties, but funnily enough, I ditched the self-tan a decade ago and embraced the pale, thank GOD.

Maybe I'm having a premature mid-life crisis and my friends aren't telling me, or maybe I'm just older and wiser, but as I walk around London town makeup free in flats and a sundress, the freedom of being in my thirties and totally non bothered about, well anything really, makes for wonderful company as I watch twenty something's pull their hot pants out of their arse. Ah, to be old,er. I remember the utter horror at the thought of leaving the house without mascara, having mild anxiety if my naturally wavy hair wasn't perfectly straight, and thinking I'll never have sex again without wearing heels.

A lot has changed in my 36 years; thankfully we no longer need to wear a bodycon to go 'up town' and dressing down is the new dressing up, so in my relaxed reflective state I have compiled a personal list of things I just wouldn't do, think or say today, ever.

"F**k it, I'll go braless"

Cause that's really an option. Unless you're like Kate Moss, going braless in your thirties is not a good look, especially if you're a 36C like me. Sure I used to swing cheekily free as a 34B and just get away with it, but now I want my boys strapped in and ready for battle, unless it's sex-time.

"I must wear heels"

Luckily trends have changed a lot today but back in West Sussex at 'the club' in the nineties, if didn't wear heels you may as well have had 'virgin' stamped on your head. Artificial height equaled head, at all times.

"I must wear makeup"

Oh bitch please. Unless I've got a meeting or an event I am totally fresh faced and loving it. Why pile in shitloads of foundation and mascara to browse TopShop - no. I just don't care.

"I can't be pale"

Smelling of biscuits and having orange hands was obviously massively important to me in my twenties, but funnily enough, I ditched the self-tan a decade ago and embraced the pale, thank GOD.

"I must show some leg"

Actually, no.

"I can't stay in on the weekend"

Because that would mean I am loser with no friends or life, and I never ever have sex. The Saturday night of shame of staying in is no longer valid in your thirties, because you're knackered from having a life.

Have frenemies

You don't have time for that shit in your thirties.

Think Stretch marks will stop sex

That small stretch of silver that my mother used to tell me no one could see, meant the end of bikinis, nakeness with the lights on and generally feeling attractive. Yeah, that doesn't quite hold up anymore.

Obsess over read receipts

Like I care about these, please.

"I must have a Brazilian wax, always"

Even a hint of pube would surely mean loss of erection and it would all be my fault. Today I'm trimmed and proud, no complaints * yet *

"I can't have a tan line"

No one cares.

Give a shit about Facebook, really

The adrenaline rush of that really hot guy you met one 'liking' your new profile picture and the flush of anger from seeing that ex with someone new pales into nothingness once you grow up and log off, it's just GREAT.