I've been married to an Aspie/Sociopath/Narcissist for 21 years and am now divorcing him, following over two decades of not being able to fix things, no matter what I did. I've decided to share my journey with you so others might learn from it; and not make the same mistakes I made.
These are my thoughts on being married to an Aspie/Narcissist/Sociopath

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Sunday, July 26, 2015

It's been a while since I've posted... But...

There are so many reasons I've not been posting, and it's as I suspected... My life is SO much better now that I'm post-Aspie.

I wish I could say my kids were talking to me again, but I can't. At one point, my youngest son and I were back in contact, but he told his dad, the Aspie, and he shut me out again. (More of that Abuse by Proxy I've mentioned)

I have a great job working in the accounting field again. I have a nice car that I pay for myself, the replacement for the one the ex-Aspie sold out from under me. I have wonderful friends. I am now volunteering for a group that serves the domestic violence shelter in a neighboring county.

And I must be doing something right because I also have a stalker on here named Deb Marino, though I'm sure it's a fake name. I'm pretty sure I know who it is and she's bat-shit crazy so I take it all with a grain of salt. She's known for being crazy and the fact she used the first name of a former boyfriend's ex-wife and a derivative of my surname were the biggest clues. We live in a very emotionally unhealthy world. I turned off the comments here until I can figure out how to delete her bat-shit craziness. It's not as simple as it once was.

Life is certainly good.

One thing you'll note I didn't mention is that there's a man in my life; because there's not. I made the stupid mistake of dating someone before my divorce was final (we'd already gone to final hearing and I'd moved back to my hometown). Why is it stupid? Because when you leave an Aspie led relationship, you're in no condition emotionally to be in a relationship with anyone. It's a rough road back and my PTSD is still prevalent at times.

When you divorce an Aspie (or any other abusive person), give yourself time to heal before going into another relationship. Take years if you have to. The person I became involved with was a predator, of sorts. He's an emotionally abusive person who thrives on running everyone else around him down into the ground. He was such a huge emotional set back for me and I wish I'd never gotten involved with him.

If I tried to discuss a relationship problem with him, he would respond with, "I guess we should just break up." (This is a tool used by abusers and narcissists to keep you in line. They use your fear of breaking up to prevent you from saying anything other than positive things about them).

He had me convinced his family hated me and didn't want me at family holiday functions. (The opposite was true. I ran into a family member of his one night and they approached me to ask why I didn't like them or want to spend time with them. He had them convinced I hated them. This is a form of isolation used by abusers and narcissists so you rely solely on them.)

He worked VERY hard to convince me I couldn't trust anyone but him. Again, this is a form of isolation. Abusers do everything they need to do to remove from your life anyone who is in a position to help you if you need it.

He would wait until the last minute to try to make plans with me and blow up at me if I wasn't available and subject to his whims. (Abusers and narcissists to this to make sure you're sitting at home, waiting on their call instead of going out and, you know, having a life - another form of isolation)

He would routinely disappear on me, refusing to answer my calls or respond to my text messages. I finally got sick of it and made plans with friends, not seeing or talking to him for three or four days (and remember, he did this to me regularly and would tell me, "That's just who I am. Take it or leave it." Over the course of the four days, he and I were at the same grocery store at the same time, but I didn't know it until I had left and saw his truck parked near mine. I went out with friends all weekend - didn't call him, didn't text him, came home late, left early. You know the drill. He had absolutely no idea where I was, who I was with or what I was doing.

Not once did he try to call or text me over those four days. However, the following Tuesday, he sends me a text with those simple words - We need to talk. I refused. I told him, basically, "Oh, heck no. You want to talk while I listen. But when I want to talk, you run in the opposite direction and refuse. So, no, we won't be talking." He responded with, "Okay, I guess we just won't talk another time."

Narcissists hate being shut down the way they shut down everyone else. I did, however, go to his house. See, if he'd come to mine and I'd done anything OTHER than sit passively and let him rant, blaming me for everything wrong in his world, he'd have walked out and I'd have been left upset, confused and angry at being shut down - AGAIN!

I walk into his house and tell him it's time to talk. Being at his house meant he wouldn't walk out. He did try walking away a couple of times, washing dishes, wiping down the counter, until I finally made him stop. What came out was he was mad that we didn't see each other that weekend and it was my fault we didn't. I just kind of looked at him, blinked a few times and said, "Does your phone not dial out anymore? If you'd wanted to see me, you should have called me."

This was the beginning of the end of our relationship. Once a narcissist realizes they can't control you any longer, they have no use for you. John realized he'd lost control of me and he started moving on. He thinks I don't know it but this is when he started dating other people while working to convince me he was completely faithful. He started saying things like, "We're just friends, nothing more".

About two months before I ended it with him for good, I'd started dating a really great guy (sort of, he, too, has issues that led me to ending things with him and choosing to stop dating anyone at all.) and after a week of no contact with John, he finally got thru to me. He started giving me this whole planned (read: scripted) speech that was exactly what I knew it would be: it was all my fault, he was perfect, etc., etc. I finally interrupted him to tell him I was dating someone and had been for two months. He accused me of cheating when he had, in fact, been the one to say he and I were "just friends". It's always a glorious moment when you can use the narcs words against him like this.

Trust me, don't get into a relationship until you've pretty much healed from the abusive one. You won't ever get back to the person you were before the abuse, but you can get close. I know I have.

I'm still fixing things with my siblings, the ones my ex-Aspie alienated me from. One sister has pretty much been okay since the divorce. My brother still doesn't talk to me, but that's on him for not wanting to understand what it's like being in an abusive relationship, though he's in one himself. His wife has him so alienated from his twin sister (my sister, too, but the twin sister thing is for emphasis on just how much his wife has worked to remove him from his family). My oldest sister "seems" to be okay, but I'm starting to see chinks in her armor, that she's got some narcissistic personality traits. She's got gas-lighting down pat. She ignored my birthday. She blames me for the problems with my oldest son, though she was around for all the BS his dad put not just me but her through to spend time with him. I don't know if she's showing signs of forgetfulness or if she's just mean and likes to twist me up in knots. I limit the conversations with her because of this. Just because they're family doesn't mean they're good for you.

I have to confess, I'm still healing emotionally. But I now have boundaries in place I didn't have before. My bullshit meter is much stronger and the slightest bit of bullshit means I kick the person from my life. Period.

Learn to trust your gut. If it feels wrong, it is. Take control of your life and the people in it. Only have in your life supportive, positive people who don't work to make you feel badly about yourself. Don't ever let someone dictate who you spend time with, where you go, when you do things and, most of all, don't EVER let them isolate you. Be vigilant!