Parenting Emotionally Intense, Spirited, Challenging Children.

Tears And Tantrums

I’ve been asked a lot about kids that cry. We’re not talking your ‘fell down and scraped her knee’ cry or ‘can’t have that beautiful toy’ cry but the kind of crying that never seems to end and that most adults think “oh no, here we go again” at the sound of the all too familiar

If you have an emotionally intense child, you know what I’m talking about and you may even know what I’m talking about if that phrase doesn’t seem to fit your child.Some kids just cry a lot. Some kids have additional stresses in their lives that make them more prone to tears than others and other kids seem to just take things as they come and rarely even seem upset let alone cry.’wail of despair’. This is the trademark of the overly emotional intense child.

My oldest was and is of the latter variety. It’s easy to deal with these kids because when they cry it easily attracts your attention because it’s rare and more to the point, for the most part, we can even understand the tears. A friend rejects (or disses or ditches as my son would say), they did poorly on a test, they didn’t make the soccer team. It’s easy to parent this tearful child with acceptance, empathy and comfort at these times.It’s the kids like The Girl and The Dervish who cry seemingly ALL THE TIME that drain your energy and resources and make you say… or at least want to say… “oh get over it already!”

The fact is that the majority of the time kids are not crying in an attempt to manipulate us or make us crazy. Kids that cry a lot tend to have strong emotions and perhaps a lower tolerance to stress than some of their peers. These kids tend to either cry at every seemingly ‘minor’ disappointments OR, on the flip side, hold it back until their emotions bubble over and they release with an explosive rage. However, crying – and raging – is the body’s way of relieving stress and if you’ve ever been having a ‘day’ that made you think “I could really use a good cry” you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Our kids that cry a lot don’t ‘think’ “I need a good cry” – they just do it.

In my opinion, the greatest mistake we can make as parents is to discourage those tears. My parents gave me a look and said “Oh Lisa” in a tone that I can still bring front and center in my mind at any point in time that I think or write about this stuff or even, at 46 years old, when I think I’m doing something my mother might not approve of.

Crying is a display of an emotion. It is no less worthy of being shown and accepted than laughter and smiles yet as parents all we want to do is “make it stop”.

I spent many years discussing and debating Aletha Solter’s theories, philosophies and methods and while I did eventually attempt some of the more radical of her techniques in dealing with crying children, it never quite felt comfortable to me and I was always worried I was doing the wrong thing so I stopped the techniques like “holding” but kept the believe in the primary philosophy which in my interpretation is that tears and tantrums are emotional stress releases. That by encouraging your children to use their body’s natural mechanism to release tension and stress (tears) you are teaching them to trust in their bodies, to honor their own feelings and above all else (in my opinion) not to repress their feelings.

I personally have taken a somewhat different approach in that I aspire to be accepting (doesn’t always work out – but I try), to encourage them to express themselves in whatever manner they choose (without using violence or mean spiritedness etc) and try to get the message across that I am here for them, that even though I sometimes don’t understand, I do accept that they need to release and that after they do, they feel better, calmer, more at peace.

For anyone looking for what some would consider a truly radical approach to parenting (definitely will NOT appeal to authoritarian disciplinarians , please check out the books by Althea Solter.

2 Responses

AJ 2007-09-14 14:31 – (Reply)
THANK YOU,THANK YOU,THANK YOU!! I felt sooo alone, but after googling, I found your site, and I feel better knowing that my 6 year old isn’t the only one. What you just talked about describes my son soooo well. Thank you for this site….AJ
#1.1 – L.C 2007-09-15 10:26 – (Reply)
Thank you for your comments. It makes me feel great to know that I was helpful.

Lisa
#1.1.1 – Anonymous 2009-02-24 16:31 – (Reply)
This is great stuff! My husband and I were wondering what was happenig to our son who just turned 7. He was very tough as a toddler and hardly ever cried. Now he whines and crys about everything. My daughter who is 3 calls him baby and she soes not cry as much as he does. I am hoping he will outgrow this and learn to display his emotions with words.

#1.2 – eharrigan 2007-10-11 21:04 – (Reply)
I feel so much relief knowing there are others out there experiencing the same thing. Do your children cry and scream for extended periods (8-15 min.) in school? My 7 year old son has these outbursts in school for any thing that we would consider to be a small disappointment or if he has to apply himself with effort in school. What do you do? How do you help the teachers manage this? We’ve been dealing with this since he was born and I’m at a loss as to how to help him!

#1.3 – Kelly 2008-02-12 17:49 – (Reply)
I too have an overly emotional 8 year old. She’s been that way since birth. She has an older brother and younger brother and she creates tension between everyone with her continual crying/negative/dramatic outbursts. They are constant and drain everyone’s energy. I have tried a lot of different techniques. All her teachers say she does wonderfully at school. It’s when she gets home and relaxed that she lets out her stress. Any thoughts?

#1.4 – LPecore 2008-05-02 22:00 – (Reply)
Thank you for your insight! Our 5 year old daughter is the same way. It is reassuing to know that we are not alone.

#2 – JW 2007-09-20 21:10 – (Reply)
Thank you for this… we are trying to understand why our 4 year old is so emotional.. ask her a simple thing or question and she burst out crying… Her school has even called and noticed the same thing. she is a very happy child.

#3 – tarusha 2008-02-12 07:05 – (Reply)
my child cries for everything we seem to thik that something is wrong with her.i tell my husband that it is a trantrum.please help

#4 – Meili 2008-03-06 09:53 – (Reply)
Thank you so much for this post! I am so relieved to hear about your story and the stories of other parents with emotional children.

My son is generally a happy kid and he does well in school. However the last 2 weeks, he has been crying for no good reason. He’s always been an emotional person but lately it seems so intense and I was at wits end until I came across your website. Thanks for the great advise. I will definitely try them out.

Meili
#5 – tammie 2008-12-24 00:11 – (Reply)
my two year old daughter cries all the time and i don’t know what is wrong.she gets up at night and scamming and then cant go back to sleep.what can i do about this. Thank you.

#6 – LJS 2009-01-03 23:49 – (Reply)
Thanks for the article, It was important to hear the part about not bottling up emotions otherwise later in life, that could mess up a kid

#7 – Tantrum Toddlers Researcher 2009-10-27 10:48 – (Reply)
Child Behavior Modification is so tough. There are moments that yelling at them is not enough. Tantrums in toddlers start when they want something which they cannot get or even when you do what they don’t want to.

The best way to deal with toddlers tantrums is to create the best activities that are fun and educational. You have to remember that at this is the stage, child adopts all things that happen around him. This is also the best time to allow your child into different activities.

#8 – Maegan Whitehead 2009-12-16 07:53 – (Reply)
I have a 7 yr old step daughter that comes from a mother who has alot a mental health issues, tho my daughter seems to not have the bypolar im scared because of all these episodes of crying im starting to think that its not that she’s trying to get her way anymore she just cries for no reason and i feel it’s only getting worse! she lays in bed at night and what triggers it is that she will ask for something and when she is told no she lays in bed and cries for atleast an hour at a time, the last two nights have been really rough, she’s mean to every friend she has and most of the time she really doesn’t have anyone to play with. Is this something i may address with the doctor to get some help!!

#9 – Michelle 2010-04-29 08:12 – (Reply)
THANK YOU! My son is 5 and has been a pretty emotional child. My father-in-law passed away about a year and half ago and he has gotten progressively worse. For example this morning, his was eating cereal and my 6 yr old daughter grapped the box so she could eat before school. He started crying, which lasted at least 10 minutes, and saying he was going to die. As his parents my husband and I are very concerned and are going to take him to the doctor to see if there is something more going on. I just wanted to thank you for this site, and to all that shared, now we know that we are not alone in our frustration and worry.