Let’s be perfectly honest; I am not an objective writer. I root for the teams I like, boo the teams I don’t, and become overly connected to players that will probably never, ever know that I even exist. Hell, if we’re talking standard writer’s guidelines, I’m hardly a writer at all. I falsify information, openly generate stats and rumors, and make outrageous claims that can hardly be backed up or substantiated. Research? Pfft, for homos. Ethics? Yeah right, terds. Morals? You can keep them. I am a fan, and as such, I am going to write like one.

Now, I understand that some people do not enjoy that. Some people like facts and figures and objectivity and blah, blah, blah. (Ugh) So in the spirit of friendliness, I have written two types of profiles -a super lame one and a totally rad one- for Corey Brewer. Enjoy.

Super Lame Style

Corey Brewer: An Exercise in Versatility

Corey Brewer, the 21 year old, 6’9”, 185 lb swingman has already generated a lot of buzz these past few months and enters this season as the Timberwolves’ second most anticipated new recruit. Back to back NCAA Championships (and countless individual awards) have already established Corey Brewer as an unfamiliar commodity (read: a winner) and he will likely play an important role in bringing the Timberwolves franchise to prominence in a Western Conference that is heavily saturated with all-world talent.

Early on, the Portland, Tennessee native will most likely make his impact on the defensive end of the floor where his innate quickness and physical stature will serve him best. Possessing all the attributes necessary to become a premier defender in the NBA –quick feet, long arms, big hands, and an undying desire to impose his will- Brewer will be at his ball-hawking best when he allows his instincts to dictate his activity. He showed an impressive ability to clog the passing lanes in college and should continue that trend in the pros.

Offensively, it will take Brewer longer to develop. His work ethic should eventually clear up current deficiencies but as it stands now he is not as capable of creating his own shot as one would assume based on his athletic build. An increase in upper body strength could do wonders for his low post game and is almost a necessity considering the names of people he will be going against. Brewer is an adequate passer and three point shooter, but excels at moving without the ball as is evidenced by his offensive impact in college. Competitively speaking, there is nothing lacking, and time will tell if he’s able to translate that into the killer instinct all great swingmen need.

Totally Rad Style

Corey Brewer: He’s Like the Cure for Cancer, Except He’s a Basketball Player

When he’s not being the greatest basketball player ever, I heard that Corey Brewer drives a solid diamond motorcycle. It doesn’t run on gas though, it runs on “Incredible” and “Bad Ass”- fortunately, Corey has an abundance of both of those.

People celebrate Christmas each year on December 25 because that’s Jesus’ birthday. At the Liston household we celebrate Christmas on March 5. Why? Because that’s Corey Brewer’s birthday. And we don’t call it Christmas, either. We call it Coreymas, and Coreymas is the greatest frigg’n holiday, ever.

People say that Corey Brewer isn’t good enough on offense or he’s not big enough or whatever and to that I say, pfft, whatever, queers. Worst case scenario, Brewer ends up being like Michael Jordan, except less of a prick. Guaranteed.

It’s pretty much certifiable that Corey Brewer will be the greatest basketball player ever and if you don’t think so then you’re stupid. I remember one game I saw Corey play in college where he got 31 points, 19 rebounds, played a very moving acoustic version of “Smoke On The Water” for the halftime show, had 19 assists, 14 blocked shots, delivered one set of high-risk pregnancy twins in perfect health, snagged 11 steals, got a chick pregnant by sneezing on her, and taught a dyslexic kid how to read during a T.V. timeout. There’s no reason to assume he won’t do the same in the NBA.

To recap, Corey Brewer drives a magic motorcycle, is more important to me than Jesus, can get you pregnant if he sneezes on you, teaches dyslexic kids how to read during T.V. timeouts of basketball games, and should absolutely be no worse than Michael Jordan. You read it here first.