One of the reasons I like reading xoVain is that I feel like I’m not alone. In whatever weird hygiene or beauty issue I have, someone is always like “WE ARE TWINS!” and it makes me feel better, AND we can discuss the various skillz and concoctions to fix it. It’s both comforting and educational, like Mr. Rogers.

So I want to talk about hamburger legs.

I’m talking about when your legs, FOR NO GOOD REASON are all vein-y weird looking. Like uncooked hamburger. Mottled. It’s not a texture thing, it’s a color, and I think it happens when I’m chilly or dehydrated. Or you know, just breathing. I almost posted a photo of said legs, but it was too gruesome. People might be eating lunch.

Also, I am mostly feral. This means a few things: yeah, I’ll totally eat trash, climb things precariously, and am often dotted with mystery scratches and bruises. I think Annie refers to them as "meth legs." Which is fine--I go bare-legged all the time. That is, until I need to look decent for a wedding. Then trying to wear pants on an 80-degree day or even ack...stockings. NOPE.

I’m talking leg makeup. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn’t get everywhere. It can transfer to fabric, if you are sweaty and wearing light colours I might not recommend it, but it you’re just looking to up your jorts game, it’s ah-mazing.

And before you’re all “WTF Nooo!”, hear me out: I don’t mean the aerosol spray-on makeup, because I’ve tried that, and it sucks. It doesn’t go on in a fine enough spray, and you end up blending the ish out of it anyway, they don’t have my colour and PS, you know you just misted your cat with foundation, right?

I’m resourceful enough that I can hide my heathen ways for a few hours with this trick that costs almost zero dollars, and takes like 3 minutes.

Basically what you’re going for here is a sheer foundation on your stems to even out blotchiness, hide bruises, and maybe even tone down scab-holes or anything else unsightly. Leg makeup: for when you don’t want to look like a hedgewitch.

If you’re like me, you believe 99% of what makeup ads tell you. I’m always buying the NEW, magic craptastic drugstore foundation with the idea that THIS one, THIS one is going to rock, and not go on like caulking. I’ll probably never learn that most drugstore foundations are full of empty promises. Needless to say, I have loads chillin in my makeup kit. I usually go with a shade darker than my skin tone, as it seems my legs are always a few shades darker than my face. I used a random one I got at a little bodega in Mexico City a few months ago. It had piles of label-less nail polish, mascara and eyeshadow palettes for under $2; only a few of them looked like they were actually from 1989.

I try to use a pretty greasy lotion--the oil on your legs diffuses the light and makes them look sleeker. My go-to lotion them look smoother and stay that way is Queen Helene Cocoa Butter Creme.

Its main ingredient is mineral oil, which is pretty inert, as it’s too big a molecule to penetrate your skin, it does a bang-up job of keeping moisture in. My other ultimate favourite (there can be two!) is Trader’s Joe’s Coconut Body Butter. It doesn’t have anything gross in it, and smells beachy and lovely.

Whatever lotion you pick, get a dollop big enough for one leg--about a tablespoon. Add about a ½ teaspoon of foundation, and rub it between your palms to mix. Apply it just like you would lotion; after it dries, make sure you don’t have any streaks, and you’re good to go. If you have spider veins that you’d like to cover, just pat another layer of foundation over the area with your ring finger.

Have you ever used leg makeup? Have you ever used makeup to cover tattoos, bruises or the like? When I was a waitress at this 24-hour diner, they used to make me put Band-aids over my tattoos. Which was weird, because would you rather have someone with tattoos serving you, or someone with WOUNDS all over their wrists?