This Week's Leaders in July 2013 Weddings

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Bedroom issues

My good friend asked me this and I didn't have much advice since I'm inexperienced in this area...besides go to sex therapy maybe?I asked if I could post here to get other ladies opinions and she agreed.She is having issues being sexually satisfied with her new husband. She had been with other guys before her and her husband met but had always wanted to wait until marriage so when she started dating her now husband they agreed to wait. She did tell me that the honeymoon sex was great. Since then everything has been downhill. She has a low sex drive in general due to personal issues (part of why I believe she should seek a therapist) Any advice for her? She doesn't want to hurt her hubby's feelings but she doesn't want to live with lackluster sex forever

Re: Bedroom issues

I'm not sure I completely understand the issue. Does she have a low sex drive because she's not being satisfied? Or are they unrelated issues? What is happening where she's not satisfied? How was the HM sex different?

I think even before therapy, she's got to communicate her wants and needs with her husband.

I’d guess part of the low sex drive might be (in part) related to not being satisfied. Maybe therapy, but I think there’s a few other things she can try in the meantime.

Have her think about the best sex she’s had (not just the good HM sex but in general). What made it so good? What were the conditions that led to the great sex? Try and recreate them with the new husband. Maybe it’s a certain time of day, positions, lots of foreplay, whatever that was, do that.

Have her think about what type type of sexual she likes best (oral, digital stimulation, penetration, with toys/vibrators) many many women don’t have great sex with penetration alone and they’re partners need to do more to know that.

Sounds like they just started having sex so some of this is just getting to know each other in that way. But if she’s not happy with how some things are happening so needs to find a way to tell him. Maybe it’s “husband I really like it when you do X. Can you do more of that?” Or “I really liked it when we did Y before bed, let’s try that again” or “I’ve always been interested in trying Z, what do you think”? (even if she’s done Z with a past partner).

I get not not wanting to hurt his feelings, but what about hers? She’s not happy with how things are, and if she doesn’t tell him he’s never going to know and this can’t do anything about it.

And if she had a good sex drive but all of a sudden it’s changed, she should visit her doctor first and have lab work done to make sure it’s not a physical issue.

This - first thing that came to mind is get the Thyroid levels (PLURAL!) along with D's and B's, Iron, etc. tested by a skilled endo. There are a lot of medical conditions which can contribute to low drive that have nothing to do with a mental issue requiring a therapist.

Also, married is much different from casual, it's suppose to get better as you age because you can train eachother and try things out you couldn't before...

Update and clarity: Her low drive is mainly due to past trauma. (I'll leave it at that) I gave her the advice from above about thinking what was so great about previous partners etc. She said the main thing she feels is lacking in the marriage is passion. With a certain previous partner that's all the relationship was, was passion which isn't enough for a relationship so it ended. She has told me before she has always felt a lack of passion with her husband but everything else (non-sexual) was great and she felt passion fades over time anyway so she married him ignoring the passion issue. so any ideas on how to ignite the passion?

First off, your friend needs therapy ASAP if she’s had past trauma. I’m a survivor myself and have many friends who are as well, so I’m proof that healing is not only possible but crucial.

As for how to get the passion going? Your friend and her H should have some conversations (NOT in the bedroom) about what turns them on and off. They can read erotica together, maybe even watch some risqué films together. We have a couple “adult” chain stores around here; maybe if they have the same, they can shop together and get some ideas.

Update and clarity: Her low drive is mainly due to past trauma. (I'll leave it at that) I gave her the advice from above about thinking what was so great about previous partners etc. She said the main thing she feels is lacking in the marriage is passion. With a certain previous partner that's all the relationship was, was passion which isn't enough for a relationship so it ended. She has told me before she has always felt a lack of passion with her husband but everything else (non-sexual) was great and she felt passion fades over time anyway so she married him ignoring the passion issue. so any ideas on how to ignite the passion?

I still say get those levels checked because they're hidden "killers"...

That said - the bolded is a limiting belief that needs to be changed! Simply just ask the question "What if passion actually increases, gets better, how will you know when the passion is stronger, more pleasurable?.. Consider the relationships of the people in her past who imprinted "passion fades" - what were their relationships long-term like and do you want that for yourself or do you want to grow in passion together, which seems smarter?"

Update and clarity: Her low drive is mainly due to past trauma. (I'll leave it at that) I gave her the advice from above about thinking what was so great about previous partners etc. She said the main thing she feels is lacking in the marriage is passion. With a certain previous partner that's all the relationship was, was passion which isn't enough for a relationship so it ended. She has told me before she has always felt a lack of passion with her husband but everything else (non-sexual) was great and she felt passion fades over time anyway so she married him ignoring the passion issue. so any ideas on how to ignite the passion?

Has she felt felt passion with her husband? I’m definitely not a medical doctor, but it sounds like she and her husband don’t have much sexual chemistry but that’s she felt passion with other partners. That doesn’t sound like levels or chemicals, but something based more in their relationship.

Given that I’d say sex therapy/a sex coach together and some individual therapy for her trauma. She shouldn’t have to live without satisfying sex but it sounds like there might be bigger issues that just that it was good on the honeymoon and now it isnt.

How long have they been together? I agree that some of the passion may fade - my H and I aren't as hot and heavy as we were when we started dating 6 years ago. I think some of that is normal - we didn't live together, didn't see each other every day, etc. However, passion is still there. And you have to work at it, IMO. Make time for each other, do intimate things.

How long have they been together? I agree that some of the passion may fade - my H and I aren't as hot and heavy as we were when we started dating 6 years ago. I think some of that is normal - we didn't live together, didn't see each other every day, etc. However, passion is still there. And you have to work at it, IMO. Make time for each other, do intimate things.

How long have they been together? I agree that some of the passion may fade - my H and I aren't as hot and heavy as we were when we started dating 6 years ago. I think some of that is normal - we didn't live together, didn't see each other every day, etc. However, passion is still there. And you have to work at it, IMO. Make time for each other, do intimate things.

So agree with this!

Me too!!

H and I have been together forever so we're not as passionate as we were when we were 19, but we find ways to keep it up. Like, years ago I went to a bar with friends and H went with his friends. We acted like we didn't know each other and he "picked me up" and we had a "one night stand". That kind of thing.

IDK anything about your friend, OP, obviously, but I recently realized that my drive has been higher since I got a little more confidence. I've spent the last couple years working on both my body and my body image and I'm finally at a place where I'm happy with how I look. That's done WONDERS for my sex life. I'm not trying to jump to the conclusion that your friend is having similar issues, I was just really taken aback by how big of a difference it made for me.

How long have they been together? I agree that some of the passion may fade - my H and I aren't as hot and heavy as we were when we started dating 6 years ago. I think some of that is normal - we didn't live together, didn't see each other every day, etc. However, passion is still there. And you have to work at it, IMO. Make time for each other, do intimate things.

So agree with this!

Me too!!

H and I have been together forever so we're not as passionate as we were when we were 19, but we find ways to keep it up. Like, years ago I went to a bar with friends and H went with his friends. We acted like we didn't know each other and he "picked me up" and we had a "one night stand". That kind of thing.

IDK anything about your friend, OP, obviously, but I recently realized that my drive has been higher since I got a little more confidence. I've spent the last couple years working on both my body and my body image and I'm finally at a place where I'm happy with how I look. That's done WONDERS for my sex life. I'm not trying to jump to the conclusion that your friend is having similar issues, I was just really taken aback by how big of a difference it made for me.

How long have they been together? I agree that some of the passion may fade - my H and I aren't as hot and heavy as we were when we started dating 6 years ago. I think some of that is normal - we didn't live together, didn't see each other every day, etc. However, passion is still there. And you have to work at it, IMO. Make time for each other, do intimate things.

So agree with this!

Me too!!

H and I have been together forever so we're not as passionate as we were when we were 19, but we find ways to keep it up. Like, years ago I went to a bar with friends and H went with his friends. We acted like we didn't know each other and he "picked me up" and we had a "one night stand". That kind of thing.

IDK anything about your friend, OP, obviously, but I recently realized that my drive has been higher since I got a little more confidence. I've spent the last couple years working on both my body and my body image and I'm finally at a place where I'm happy with how I look. That's done WONDERS for my sex life. I'm not trying to jump to the conclusion that your friend is having similar issues, I was just really taken aback by how big of a difference it made for me.