THIS JUST IN: President Trump Got Spanked By A Porn Star With His Own Face

THIS JUST IN: President Trump Got Spanked By A Porn Star With His Own Face

Man, we have just been learning more and more about the time Donald Trump fucked porn star Stormy Daniels. It’s basically the last thing I want to think about, because it involves imagining our septuagenarian president stripping naked and mounting a porn star when she was in her 20s. Oh yeah, you think this is going to be about a sexy porn star, but it’s really about Trump’s wrinkly old ass flopping around on top of her. You’re welcome.

The newest revelation about their encounter is that Daniels once spanked Donald Trump (remember the wrinkled, saggy ass I was talking about earlier) with a copy of Forbes magazine that had Trump on the cover. Which is probably the most believable thing I’ve ever heard. In fact, I’d have trouble believing Trump requested to be spanked with anything other than a picture of his own face on a magazine cover.

Mother Jones published e-mails from when Daniels was considering a run for the Senate, which doesn’t seem like such a stretch of the imagination now that Donald Trump is president. One of the Democratic consultants she was talking to was surprised she had Trump’s number in her phone, and the other consultant sent this reply in an e-mail:

Yep. She says one time he made her sit with him for three hours watching “shark week.” Another time he had her spank him with a Forbes magazine.

And in Daniels’ interview with In Touch, she says that when they had sex in 2006, he had shown her a copy of Forbes with him on the cover. And he was on the cover of Forbes around that time. Stormy Daniels totally spanked Trump with a magazine he was on the cover of.

“The strangest thing about that night — this was the best thing ever. You could see the television from the little dining room table and he was watching ‘Shark Week’ and he was watching a special about the U.S.S. something and it sank and it was like the worst shark attack in history,” she said. “He is obsessed with sharks. Terrified of sharks. He was like, ‘I donate to all these charities and I would never donate to any charity that helps sharks. I hope all the sharks die.’ He was like riveted. He was like obsessed. It’s so strange, I know.”

This might surprise you, but I’m on Trump’s side here. I don’t know who invented sharks, but it was a mistake. They’re basically just torpedoes with teeth that rip apart anything they come across. They’re murderfish. Every part of a shark, from their teeth to their skin, is designed to kill you. I say it’s going to come down to us or them, and I’m not going to lose this one.

Why do we love the ocean so much anyway? Pretty much everything in it is trying to kill us. People complain about places like Sea World, but killer whale is not just a cute nickname, those things will kill you given the chance. “Oh, we should tell the Japanese not to eat whales!” Bitch, a whale would eat you if you let it. A whale would absolutely eat you. That’s in the Bible.

What I’m saying is that Donald Trump should resign as president and form an elite shark-hunting squadron before they grow legs and learn to breathe air. That day is coming. While you’re worrying about AI turning against humanity, sharks are having meetings talking about how they can grow legs. It’s happened before, and it could happen again. And we need the bold vision of Donald Trump to lead the vanguard against our marine enemies.