I was just wondering if I am strange or weird that I do not desire a relationship... I am 40 soon, female and a single parent to 3 kiddies, one grown up and 2 little whipper snappers... I am and have always been depressed but only in myself and not that anyone would see... I hide it well.. And I'm proud of that... but I wonder about myself because everyone seems so wrapped up in their lovers and husbands/wives or if they haven't got a partner it's so important to get one/find one almost as if it validates that person... but I don't feel that urge? Is that my depression talking?

If I bothered I suppose I could be half decent looking but I never do... I mean, I'm clean and smelling nice but I don't bother with make up or wearing the latest fashion... I can't imagine ever being with a partner again and that doesn't bother me...I have a 6 year old and an 8 year old and by the time they go to bed I'm knackered and I just want time out for me... is that selfish?

I've always been a very giving, loving partner and never really had that much in way of a return so now I feel my giving, my loving is spent and I want to give it to me and the kids... BUT everyone else seems to be 'partner-searching' like mad...

So am I ?

a) a lost cause

b) incredibly selfish

c) depressed

d) finished with all sexually/physical relationships (if this is the answer, I will be a bit sad, because it does feel so final, to be honest)

Please help me understand myself, because I haven't got a clue...

xx

6 Replies

Sounds like you are a lady who already knows herself very well! You are actually the type of person that people should be before they get into a relationship. Already independent, with your own established priorities.

I also rarely bother with make-up. It is a luxury at best for many people living a busy schedule caring for others. I remember as a child my mother would get up super early to put on her foundation and have it dry before adding the next layer. I just read the other day Marilyn Monroe said she needed three hours to get ready to be seen in the public eye. And that she wore what was called pancake foundation. That does sound like it would take a long time to dry! I bet raising your two youngsters you won't have three hours spare on beauty! Which is ironic because the true beauty is a person who is all natural, genuine with a giving heart.

I know professional models and they are not happy people. Because no matter what look they are going for someone else will do it better one way or another eventually. They constantly are primping and shifting back and forth in the mirror wondering if their clothes look good. If I was interested in dating women I know I would not be interested in that kind of lady.

I don't think you are selfish at all. You know you need me time. If you met a kind hearted man you might want to share some of that time with him. You just didn't meet him yet. You are very wise to wait for someone special because many people try to help their loneliness by dating as much as they can.

You are also being cautious with your heart. I am sure you have your own reasons as to why as we all are afraid of being hurt. Plus whomever you choose as a partner would eventually be also important to your children's lives.

I think if you met someone special you would be ready to open your heart slowly as you built up friendship, trust and love. It is so scary though. People who are depressed sometimes loose interest in things that were once important to them. But I think a special guy out there somewhere could add to you life one day. But also you are a strong person who does not need a relationship because you have everything covered on your own. I am not that way myself. I used to be. But not now.

Have you put yourself in social situations that may lend itself to meetings partner?

Hi Ava, I wouldn't beat yourself for this. Depression is a very isolating and insular illness so because the body and mind know they have some work to do, it shuts out what it doesn't need, ie: a relationship. This means you can focus solely on you( and your children obviously)

Hi, I'm 57 and feel the same! Can't be bothered, to tired for a relationship and no motivation. I think it's the menopause and depression which inhibits me. Also finding someone who would understand me? I have many good friends. A job I love and I know myself pretty well. Yes it would be wonderful to share my life with someone, but it gets harder as you get older and I'm not keen on Internet dating. There are many single people today,so like me honour what you want in life and believe in yourself. You have to do what helps you, only you know what makes your life better.dont doubt yourself. A relationship doesn't validate who you are. You have three lovely kids who love you. Enjoy them, your still young, and in time your feelings may change. If not, then that's fine. Be strong in yourself. I wish you all the best. Well done to you. So many people can't live without a partner. Take care. X

a year agoHidden

Hello

Personally I can understand where you are coming from here, you have your children and possibly relationships have not been very fulfilling.

You are comfortable, your first born is sixteen. So why would you want a scooter when you can have a Jag.

It is basically you have become comfortable in your own skin and want to carry on in that way. People seem to want stability with a relationship, someone to share their lives with. Possibly you cannot see any reason for that and you feel something is wrong if you do not agree with their cravings.

If you are happy with that no-one here can say any different, you are who you are. You have made decisions to react the way you have and that is that.

If you are happy, carry on and understand in the future it may be that something may plod along that will make you happy in a much later period in your life

It sounds to me as if your experience of a partner is more about you expending energy on them, rather than a balanced relationship, and you have none to spare at the moment. I am the same. Not only that but we both seem to find it hard to spare the time for ourselves either. We do not even give ourselves the luxury of expressing our feelings of depression. Probably because as a Mum we feel we have to come last, or because in the past we have not been listened to, maybe even told not to complain as there is always someone in the world who is worse off than you (or words to that effect).

Is it that we do not feel we can achieve a good relationship? Or do not deserve one? Either way, whoever put that thought into our heads should be strung up. You sound like a lovely person who deserves to be loved, and certainly not past it at 40. I don't think you are a lost cause (and I hope to goodness I am not either), but as you say, understanding yourself may be key to finding the right type of relationship. I cannot see why you need to wait until the kids are older either. That is just another form of putting yourself last. Just take it slow ok, especially around the family, as it is important to get the right person for you all. You might want to keep things casual for a while and not jump into anything (speaking from experience here).

Hi there what you say makes complete sense.im a 48 year old guy who is also single but unlike you I don't have any kids.my name is gary if you ever feel like a text or whatever it's 07593405050.i doubt you will though