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You know, I was just thinking how pathetic it was that I kept the entire truth from my husband for a year. what kind of person has to manipulate the information their spouse has so they can stay married? How pathetic is that? It's like loserville!
Not only does this damage our spouse but holy cow, what does it say about us!?
If there are any waywards out there that haven't given it all up, consider this even for just your own benefit. Do you really want to be this person?

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Never be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.”

Posts: 7471 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest

changedlife♂ 40394Member # 40394

Posted: 6:32 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013

I lied so many times, and each time I told her I was telling everything. It got so bad on some things I would forget what I said. Something I think about daily is when she asks how she can trust me... I can't give her an answer that helps. If I was her I wouldn't trust myself either. The affair broke the trust, telling lies about all of it just completely shattered any remaining trust. I'm ashamed of myself for the lies, and then the manipulation on my part for making here question whether or not I was telling everything.

Posts: 42 | Registered: Aug 2013

Darkness Falls♀ 27879Member # 27879

Posted: 6:36 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013

On D-day I minimized (lied about) 2 pieces of information that my XH already knew the full answer to. It was totally self-protection and a pathetic attempt to cover my ass. He told me that those lies were one of the reasons he wanted a divorce---that even after I was busted, I still couldn't be honest. I never lied about anything else regarding the A after D-day, but the damage was done.

Trickle truth kills.

WS, 5-month EA/PA '09-'10

Divorced and remarried to XBH

Posts: 2791 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Central Florida

NoGoodUsername♂ 40181Member # 40181

Posted: 6:56 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013

Yeah, it's pretty awful. I did the TT thing for a month and in the end the lies I told before and after dday did more damage than the affair itself.

Those lies were selfish and about self-protection, but they ultimately made things ever so much worse. To answer the original question, no, I don't want to be that person.

Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 274 | Registered: Aug 2013

blakesteele♂ 38044Member # 38044

Posted: 3:04 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013

BS here....thank you for posting this. TT has caused pretty close to equal damage to all involved here as the actual acts of adultery have. It continues to affect our R efforts....

Unfortunately, the wisdom of NOT trickle trothing appears to be only gained through personal experience....ie, WS cant get that from hearing others talk about it or reading it in a book.

Still...I sincerely appreciate you posting this here...if it helps just one marriage avoid this dreadful act from becoming part of their past it is sooooo worth your effort.

I've been getting TT for 3 years now. I think that the most damaging thing-other than never being able to rebuild trust- is that eventually you get desensitized. It stops hurting and you stop caring. That's what really kills a relationship, detachment.

BW here.
(((rachelc))) I take my hat off to you.
I would give anything for my WH to have an insight like this.
He just wants to sweep it all under the rug.
I believe that it would be very healing to both of us & to our marriage, to be able to talk about this. It would help both WS & BS.

I have had 5 D-Days with TT all the way. It's been five months since I found out and it was just two days ago that he told me the FINAL whole truth. I don't have a lot of faith that it's really the truth now. He's destroyed my ability to trust him. He's caused me PTSD, lost of respect for him but more importantly, for myself. I'm ashamed of myself for giving him so many chances to give me what I need, the truth of my marriage, the truth about the man to whom I'm married, and the ability to make a decision on the real facts, not his whitewashed version of his behavior and character.

I'm a grown woman. I don't need to be lied to. I don't want him in control of our outcome if it's done with lies. He can control the outcome with honesty, empathy, compassion, love, and comfort. Or leave.

Yeah, I got all that shit from my XWW. TT, gross lies, deceptions coordinated with her enabling "friends", contempt, denial, and lies, lies, and more lies.

I gave her a chance for reconciliation and she was probably texting with the adultery guy within minutes after agreeing to do so. Why she bothered to agree to it at all is baffling.

Fuck. That. Shit.

After that I wasn't going to deal with this fucking horror show anymore. As heartbroken as I was, I knew I was divorcing her. I didn't know this person. I didn't need this dishonest shit in mine, or my children's lives any more. This was the female role model for my kids?

For any WS's who are still lying or TT'ing - knock it off. You are simply demonstrating grand cowardice and you will pass that on to your children if you don't stop and be completely honest with your BS. But the one you have to be the most brutally honest with is yourselves.

I Divorced Her.

Posts: 389 | Registered: May 2012

authenticnow♀ 16024Member # 16024

Posted: 4:11 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013

As scary as it is for us to come clean after lying for so long, it is the right thing to do.