Alleged Offenders Launch Hugely Unpopular “Bailstarter” Website

The big house, the gray bar motel, the slammer, the place where you never have to go if you're rich enough. PHOTO: Public Domain

ATLANTA–A group of plucky, enterprising felons currently doing time in the Fulton County jail have put their social media savvy to use by launching “Bailstarter,” a funding platform designed to allow “repentant, civic-minded criminals” the chance to positively reintegrate into society while awaiting their respective trials.

Marty Strickland, the mastermind behind Bailstarter, described his brainchild as the ideal solution for lawbreakers with families either “too poor” or “too ashamed” to post bail. Strickland, charged with four counts of armed robbery, was surprisingly direct regarding his inspiration for the website:

“It was my passion and talent for taking other people’s money that got me in here to begin with, so I reckon that’s exactly what’s going to get me out.”

The mission behind Bailstarter is simple: “to put a human face behind the felony.” As one misunderstood prisoner, alleged sex offender Troy Markham, explained on his fundraising page, “The judicial system may see me merely as a man who masturbates near elementary school playgrounds, but I am much, much more than that.”

Markham went on to describe himself as a “lovable eccentric” with a talent for baking, an affinity for mystery novels, and an “unfortunate knack for being in the wrong place at the wrong time”—notably, the woods behind Atlanta’s Morningside Elementary School during afternoon recess, completely naked from the waist down.

As Markham sadly cautioned, “This sort of thing could have happened to anyone.”

At press time, Bailstarter has raised zero dollars and sparked an enormous outcry among the community.

J. Allison has been called "Atlanta's comedy writing darling." She came up with this title herself, but it's bound to catch on any day now. In her spare time, she writes "Lord of the Rings" fan fiction and quotes the parts of movies that no one else remembers. She also enjoys the movie "Twister."