(Closed) She asked me what I thought…

This is long, but I’d appreciate any feedback… (I posted a short thread about this a few days ago, but I’m a little more clear-headed now.)

My sister/MOH scheduled a lap band (weight loss) surgery for November/December. She had considered doing it in August but decided against it due to the wedding and her job. She got a call from her doctor last week that they have an opening for September 9 (my wedding’s on September 21) and she asked me if I was okay with it.

Back-story: For the first three or four months of this year, she either wouldn’t talk to me/respond to messages or was openly rude when she did. I was having dreams about it at that point, was pretty hurt/angry and was considering asking her to step down from the BP at that point. The bees said that all she has to do is show up in a dress, which I agree with and let it go to the best of my ability.

I picked a BM designer and fabric based on a dress that she had tried on and liked and only specified the color, brand and fabric. The other BMs ended up having to order a special fabric/upgrade for their dresses. She put off ordering the dress, and finally said she changed her mind and didn’t like any of those dresses. She ended up getting a dress from a different designer from in a different color. I said okay, since she was the MOH and it wasn’t as bad if she didn’t match (there are three people in my BP). I also ended up paying for the dress and writing off a number of other debts that she owes me, because she goes to my parents for it.

About a week and a half ago, she called to ask if I’d mind if she got a tattoo on her shoulder, because she didn’t want to ruin my special day. I thanked her for asking but said it was none of my business. She then sent me a photo of a needle through her nostril, because she was getting her nose pierced as we were texting. The timing was interesting to me.

Then I got the call about the surgery at 4:45, and she had to tell them by 5 if she was having it or not. I took a few moments to think about it (and talk to FI) and called her back. I said I’d love her either way, but I’d REALLY prefer it if she didn’t have the surgery, and that if she did, it would probably be best for everyone involved if she not be involved in the actual wedding. I wouldn’t mind if she wore the dress, and definitely want her there, but since we haven’t been having a good relationship lately anyway, I’ll be worried enough about her without wondering if she’ll be able to do the rehearsal and ceremony.

She told me that she “wouldn’t have the surgery if I wouldn’t want her in the wedding.” And I thought we left it at that.

Well, she told the clinic, “yes”. She just invited me out to coffee and asked if I’m open to reconsidering my position. She did say in the text that I was more important than the surgery, and if I was still against it, she wouldn’t have it.

I love her and know that she’s got something going on personally that I don’t know about. Part of me thinks this is intentional, and part of me is just over the whole thing and burned out. Her three daughters are flower girls and her husband is a groomsman. I plan to reiterate that I’d love to have her there, but if she has the surgery, I’d like her to step down.

Also, I have my current job because the person before me died on the table during a routine surgery to put a plate in her collarbone (something to do with the anesthesia). A friend had a relative who had lapband surgery and go a bad infection.

@discokitty: i don’t think wanting her to sept down if she is recorving for an operstaion is bad at all

i mean 1st off she soudns like she been all ove the place and unsupportive

and yes you love her but if she is hurt healing she will need to be resting not going on stagettes and going to dinnrs and last min running for you she cant do these things and well the last few weeks is go time

like its go time i been MOH a few times and yo are hte one runing forhte bride the most your with her one hadm e stay with her for 4 days b4 the wedding too if she is recovering for an elective operstion she was spsota gfet months down teh road thats a personal choice but you need a MOH who can run with you back you up be at the dinners andstuff

its not a personal thing its just you need someone who can be ur back up those weeks b4 and do the lil things and she will need to rest and heal not run around with you

Why don’t you just drop it for a while? Honestly, no one knows how she will recover. If she is able to walk down the aisle, they why not let her? If she is hurt from the surgery still then maybe she can walk down but have a seat in the front row for her to sit next to the flower girls. If she is unable to walk down the aisle alone maybe the BM can walk her down and the GMs can walk the BMs. If she is really really hurting then have her simply sit in the front row. Maybe she can do a reading or toast.

I guess I just don’t understand why your only option if she gets the surgery is that she is not in the wedding party. I am unfamilira with this type of procedure though so feel free to educate me about it 🙂

It’s more that she’s been so unpredictable and a the main cause of stress during the planning process,and I don’t want to be worried about, “is she going to make it, isn’t she, etc.,” in addition to being worried about her. I’m angry that she’s rescheduling at the last minute when she already has a date (she originally though and August date would have been too close). When I posted about my other problems with her earlier in the year (I was not a happy camper when I wrote it), people said all I could really ask of her would be to wear a dress and show up and I readjusted my expectations. I don’t want to start obsessing about her and what she’s thinking again. For better or for worse, i know this is what I’ll end up doing – I’ve been doing it for years.

A lapband procedure is actually not that invasive (unless she has major complications). They will have her up and out of bed walking the day after surgery (they encourage about 2+ miles a day). It is possible that she will be the rare case where something bad will happen, but more than likely she will be just fine to be in your wedding. Although she will not be able to eat the meal provided(most of it) or drink any alcohol (she shouldn’t anyways), she should have no trouble walking down the aisle or doing some light dancing.

The fact that you guys have been on the outs is a very valid reason to want to remove her from the bridal party! I wouldn’t make it about the surgery though, because that shouldn’t effect your wedding at all. She’s doing something to (hopefully) drastically improve her health, but something that’s very difficult and she might want a lot of support from you.

Source- mentor at Bariatric Surgery center for both lapband and bypass patients.

There’s a lot of backstory that suggests more than meets the eye here but I would just say that recovering from gastric band surgery can be pretty quick. My experience coming from a family member having this procedure carried out. It’s done by keyhole surgery and once you’ve recovered from the anaesthetic (48 hours or so usually) she wasn’t in any pain at all although the air that they pumped into her stomach was uncomfortable for a few days. I’d have thought that surgery on the 9 September would leave your sister perfectly well enough to be MOH at a wedding on the 21st.

@discokitty: I wouldn’t stress about it. just let her do her thing. When the day comes see what she is able to do. If she can walk down the aisle, why not let her? If she is unable to, then let her sit in front. It shouldn’t be too big of a deal. Try to make peach with either situation.

Kind of like brides that get married outside. It is always good to be at peace with the fact that it might rain and your ceremony may have to be inside. Be prepared for the worst but hope for the best. Some things are beyond your control.

I’d really just like her to keep her original date, but the question is do I tell her and let her make her own decision or not tell her/lie. She’s asked for my opinion, so the direct question is on the table. Ugh.

I understand that you’re upset with how she’s treated you during your wedding planning process, but I don’t think you can tell her not to have this surgery on the 9th. You have to remember that your wedding is one day, and no one will care about it as much as you do. I really don’t mean that to be harsh, it’s just that we all get wrapped up in our own wedding planning sometimes. This surgery is probably going to dramatically improve your sister’s health and quality of life. If I was in her position, I’d probably want to get it done ASAP too. As other posters have pointed out, recovery these days isn’t usually that big of a deal, so she’d probably be totally fine for your wedding. And if she’s not, then she sits out — with the way she’s behaved, it might be for the best anyway.

Thank you for your advice, ladies. I’ve asked people I know to help talk me down, but as they know her and what she has/hasn’t done, they all say to tell her I’m not okay with it — which just gets me worked up all over again. I plan to tell her that I’m okay if she has the surgery, but I’m going to proceed as if she isn’t able to participate. If she’s up to it — great, No matter what, I wouldn’t ask her to stand the whole time, so someone else will have to be free for the bouquet hand-off, arranging the train, come with me to learn how to bustle my dress, etc. She can make her own decision from there. I’m seeing her tonight to talk it through, and hopefully it will give us a chance to clear the air.

Also, I just found out that she hasn’t done anything for my bachelorette party on Saturday that she offered to coordinate, so now I’m planning it (buying tickets, making the restaurant reservation). At least the wedding will be over soon and I won’t have to deal with her for a while.