Tuesday, November 9, 2010

You Just Wait! I'll Be RIGHT There!

"I’m now at Trader Joe’s, Emeryville—" Recent Facebook/Twitter feed.

Dear Earl Eckenlouper:

I am a corporate spy, government assassin, professional criminal, and certified clinical psychopath. I am writing this e-mail to thank you for keeping me constantly up-to-date on your real-time whereabouts via your Twitter and Facebook accounts. Thanks to your penchant for public exposure, I am now able to track you wherever you go without expending endless miles of legwork or investing thousands of dollars in hi-tech surveillance gadgetry. Your compulsive self-promotion enables me to take whatever actions necessary should necessity, desire, or both, arise.

For instance, as a corporate spy for a fast-food franchise, I may “take you out” (as we say in the trade) when you tell the whole world that you have committed the error of dining at my client’s competitor.

As a government assassin, I may “put you down” at some future moment for “friending” the Turbaned Guy at the Local Mosque, signing that Climate Change petition, or hitting on Michelle Bachmann.

Further, as a professional criminal (or a “Crime Pro” as we underworld citizens like to call ourselves) I wish to inform you that next time you’re slumped over at Slumpy’s Tavern at 8th and Weyauwega , I may pop by your place, kidnap your entire family and hold them for ransom. That will be a hangover you will not forget.

And finally, as a certified clinical psychopath, I may simply enjoy watching you squirm when I track you down to Mr. Blister’s’ Deli on 9th and Broadway where, every Tuesday at one p.m., you order your cold pastrami on day-old white, sprouts, no mustard (and if that’s not reason enough to whack a guy, then there’s simply no justice in the world.)

To make my job/hobby/favorite pastime a little easier in the future, I request that next time you inform us of your current whereabouts via Twitter and Facebook that you wear a large circular bulls eye on your back, or lift your chin skyward so as to enable an easier headshot

Because I am not a completely bad person, I will give you a head start by saying that I’m six-two, look like Lee Van Cleef and stare a lot, usually in your direction. I also openly carry high-powered weaponry, thanks to recent Supreme Court rulings.

And please note that any sudden movement tends to set me off.

Thank you for your help in this matter. I know I’ll be seeing you soon.

Sincerely,

You’ll Find Out . . . .

Thomas Burchfield's contemporary Dracula novel Dragon's Ark will be published March 2011 by Ambler House Publishing. His essays and blog entries can be read at The Red Room website for writers. He can also be approached on Facebook, followed on Twitter and e-mailed at tbdeluxe[at] sbcglobal [dot] net.