Rants, reasoning, resolutions & other randomness from this journey of life

Category Archives: Friends & Relationships

When times get tough, blame runs rampant. It’s easier for people to simply blame somebody else then it is to acknowledge the problem in its entirety, simply because the problem in its entirety is too overwhelming for our souls to absorb. One person isn’t our problem. One political party is not our problem. The hatred that lies in each of us is the problem. It’s the same hatred that pulled the trigger (in all shootings) as it is in the people blaming a completely different person for the act. And hatred is our undoing.

I pray and I meditate on the goodness that still exists and FOR the goodness to prevail. I pray and I give – money, goods, blood, love. And it hurts my heart when people tell me that that’s not enough. That I apparently need to be going out and hating somebody in order “to be doing something about it”. How does that make sense?!

Evil has existed since long before we were here and unfortunately it will continue to do so long after we’re gone. But hatred only brings out the worst in people. When situations are already so difficult, what good could that do? So I choose love. I will always choose love.

And just for the record, I am a gun owner. I have a conceal carry license (though I rarely do), but I also do support more responsible rules for gun ownership. So do more than 75% of Republicans actually (for those who are just wanting to blame them). I know and love people with very short fuses and mental illness and understand that mental breakdowns are possible in everyone of us. I already have so many fears about the possibilities. The last thing I want to consider is a weapon in the hands of somebody going through that. The trouble is that not all mental illness is detectable. That is why getting something uniform and concrete established is impossible. Because no situation is uniform. No person is the same. Just like this latest shooter. No signs at all. He just broke. He broke and his bad decision lead to the unnecessary deaths and injuries of so many in the blink of an eye.

But what is uniform is that these mental breaks are fueled by hate. By loss. By wicked, competitive, power-hungry, money-hungry and shallow, unimportant desires that drive so many…and all trace back to HATE. Because they lack a true sense of love and the spiritual depth and self-confidence to handle misfortune, rejection, loss, the success of others, hatred against their hate, or just life. (I mean, can you imagine, being enraged with hate because someone hates your hatred of something else)?! What are we becoming here??

So when hate is all around, we need to love more. It is not “inaction” to refuse to spread hate. It is the strongest of wills to choose love in times where hate is the easier option.

So don’t you dare ridicule me when I say I am sending heartfelt thoughts and prayers. When I am harnessing all the power of positivity I can muster in such a dark time. Because it would be way easier to spread hate right now, but then the evil will have won. It’s ok to feel deeply. Just don’t let it make you hate. Be passionate and spread love instead.

Prayers for all the Las Vegas victims and their families. Prayers for Tom Petty’s family and loved ones. Prayers for all the horrible things going on right now. And prayers that we finally start to realize that this hatred is going to consume us all if we don’t stop and let love rule us instead.

Democracy. Regardless of your political affiliation, sexual orientation, religious beliefs, or race, we are all together in making this country great. It starts with us…Not our politicians…Not our president. Us.

Donald Trump is not going to “make American great again”. We are. We are the ones to create our successes. And we are the ones who create our failures. So we owe it to one another to do whatever is possible and whatever is necessary for the sake of our country and our people. Whatever happens with our government, whoever sits on office as president, we owe it to one another to continue to be respectful and kind and to strive to live together in peace and to be the best people and country we can be. And to raise our children to be the same way.

One quote that I liked from the speech though was, “When you open your heart to patriotism there is no room for prejudice”.

So regardless of whether you are celebrating or commiserating today, I just want to remind you all that, red or blue (or purple or black), we’re Americans…and more importantly, human beings. So let’s all just continue to do whatever we can to make our country great and to coexist in this one lifetime we have right now.

It’s been a stressful week. Busy shopping week means busy work week with my writing job. (And the work schedule is not very conducive to Adri’s school schedule anyway). Then peak-order season with the gift shop (Which I’m definitely not complaining about…I just wish I’d have had more time to add some new items to the shop before now). And with a million other things to do around the house, to say I’m frazzled would be putting it mildly. Time always goes so fast and there’s never enough of it to do what you want.

Today was Adri’s Thanksgiving “feast” at school. And even though she was late (because of a mixup over when I should bring her since it wasn’t one of her regular school days), she made it – and with her pineapple contribution in tow. So there’s that at least.

But after having to go back home and work more before going back to the school for the feast, I had barely enough time to put myself together and definitely not enough time to shower first. I broke a bra and broke a nail in my haste…And I was still a few minutes late.

She didn’t mind though. She was excited to see me and have me try the fruit salad and buttered rolls they made this morning. (And it was yummy).

After eating and playing for a bit I had hope return thinking I could salvage some of the plans after all. The morning may have been a disaster but we could still make her teachers a nice, crafty, thank-you gift tonight to give them tomorrow at school…Until I was reminded when we were leaving that Adri doesn’t have school again until next week.

Defeated, I sighed when we got into the car to leave school and head to the grocery and said, “I’m sorry, monkey. I wish I could’ve been there for your whole day at school again like Halloween and that we weren’t always so rushed, but Mommy is just a bit of a mess lately”. Without hesitation she replied, “It’s okay mommy. We all have messes sometimes. I love you and your da best mommy”.

I could’ve broke down, but God knows if I did right now it might not stop. Sometimes I’m not really sure what I’m doing; Feeling pulled in a million directions and I think I’m doing everything wrong. But it’s little reassurances like that that tell me I must be doing something right.

I may have plenty of other things in mind that I want to do, but sometimes there’s just not enough time. And I have to remember that that’s ok. That my house work may get a little behind (or a lot) when I’m working two jobs and momming. And that sometimes our dinner won’t be completely homemade…or even semi-homemade for that matter. And that’s ok.

The important thing is that we are laughing together in our slightly (or extremely) messy house. That we are together enjoying our homemade, semi-homemade or not-at-all-homemade dinners together, that we’re always there for her when she needs us, and that her daddy and I love her bigger than the sky. Through grief, through chaos, through it all. That’s what it’s all about.

…And just to keep me from being too wishy-washy all day, she was a total ass in the grocery store afterward, So I guess it’s also about balance. 😜

But I am so thankful for the blessings in life (even the ones that don’t always seem like blessings at first). I appreciate the crazy, busy weeks. And I am so grateful for my family and for the love of this sweet little girl who, even at under the age of 4, understands that life can get chaotic, but it’s okay. As long as we have each other, it’s okay. And when we focus on that, it’s more than okay. It’s great. Chaotic, messy, busy, hopeful, fun, full of love, running-late, great. And if we can’t get all of that greatness to fit into one day, we’ll be hopeful, grateful, and blessed to be given tomorrow to give it another shot.

So in case I don’t get a chance to say it later this week when things are even more chaotic: Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I hope your blessings are more than you can count…But I hope you’ll take a minute to stop and try to count them anyway.

I haven’t been able to watch the news much this week because it’s a little heartbreaking watching people act out in such a way – from both sides. And today all I can think is what it feels like to be a Veteran seeing these images of burning flags by your own people. What a shame.

While this country is torn and seemingly losing it’s f%@#ing minds, burning flags and terrorizing people and towns, let’s stop and remember what that flag actually stands for…What today actually stands for. It’s meaning goes way beyond who our president is (or isn’t). It is every one of us and all the lives risked (and lost) protecting it.

So before you go supporting any type of violent action against any other human or against that flag, think long and hard about the freedoms you have because of it and those that serve and protect it;

Before you go posting about fleeing this country all because of an election;

Before you go pretending that you and your views are any more important than anyone else’s in this country;

Before you go a moment further being ungrateful for all you have because you are too focused on what you don’t have,

Stop and remember all of those who died and who risk their lives every day protecting our freedoms;

Protecting our rights to protest;

Protecting our rights to vote and be heard;

Protecting us.

US.

U.S.

We may not all agree on anything when it comes to politics. We may not agree on the need for war at all. But without these brave men and women fighting these wars, you wouldn’t even be able to protest. So I think we should at least all be able to agree that a tremendous thank you is in order (and an “I’m sorry” wouldn’t hurt either).

This month being the month of gratitude and this day being a day of remembrance, let me just say that I am thankful for my hard-working “uneducated white male” husband, my raging lesbian sister, and my many other friends and family who come from so many different (some completely opposite) walks of life and political and religious beliefs but are some of the best people in this world because they remind me every day that in this “land of the free”, even at our ugliest, we can still coexist and love one another despite our differences. I wish the rest of the country could do the same.

And last but certainly not least, I am extremely grateful to all of our veterans past and present and everyone of our servicemen and women for the work they do protecting our freedoms…Even if we use them to act like “spoiled brats” or “deplorables” sometimes. 😉

Thank you.

Thank you to all of our brave men and women serving this country. I am sorry that we act so despicable sometimes and make you feel that we don’t value what you do for us. We owe you everything….Or at least so much more.

I’ve got lots of favorite quotes about nature but when my mind and heart are heavy I wander around the garden or stare at the sky for a while and am always reminded of this one. It’s so fitting. Sometimes you just need to escape your thoughts and worries and just vibe with the planet to try to gain peace and clarity.

My mind is full of worry this week and there are so many I know going through difficult times right now too. So many prayer requests recently and so many more unspoken.

But I believe there is power in numbers. So whatever you believe in, could you just take a minute to send out some positive thoughts and energy? If some float my way too I sure won’t complain, but right now I just hope they can help bring healing, comfort and peace to those I know who need it.

And to that end I leave you with another loved quote –

“The wound is the place where the light enters you”.

I hope whatever pain and difficulties you are facing now bring you to peace and happiness tomorrow. And may you be a beacon to someone else in their time of need.

Timehop reminded me that on this day last year we received the good news that we were having another baby. If only that excitement could have lasted.

There’s no denying the sting that hits me every time it comes up (or like when I get emails from companies I could’ve sworn I unsubscribed from reminding me when I was due or that my baby should be ten weeks old, etc., etc). But that sting is just a reminder that it was real. That there was real joy there. Real love. Love that I am realizing will never fade no matter how much time passes.

There’s no way around it nor do I have any desire to pretend it didn’t happen. I don’t think there will ever be a day that I am free from thought of it…And that part I’m okay with; Because it was a blessing and an exciting few months while it lasted and, just like with Adriana, I savored Every. Single. Moment.

I was honored to carry that life even if it was only for a short time. It kills me when I hear people complaining about their child(ren) or their pregnancy because, even though they have every right to feel like crap or have bad days, and it’s totally understandable, I still would give anything to be experiencing it all – pains, discomforts, sleepless nights, and all.

So savor every moment – Even the worst days. Enjoy every beautiful, aggravating minute of parenting. Every day of morning sickness or those “pregnancy-blah” feelings. Remind yourself just how blessed you are to have those bad days every now and then that are surrounded by all the good ones.

2015 has been a difficult year though it was still filled with many blessings and joyful moments for which I am incredibly grateful. Things may never be “the same” again but I suppose those changes build who we are – Even if sometimes those building blocks are just the broken pieces of ourselves. Still, I hope that 2016 is a bit more kind to us all.

I am reading poetry in front of a warm, crackling fire. My sweet (though slightly sick) babygirl is nestled beside me and our furbabies are cuddled up snoozing beside her. There is music flowing through the house and my husband is in his chair nearby enjoying a glass of bourbon with a full belly after a wonderful home-cooked meal. Everyone is comfortable and my loved ones are all safe… There may be a million things going wrong, but in today’s tumultuous times these are the simplest and the greatest blessings to be thankful for. As full of gratitude as it may be, my heart aches and wishes for healing to come to this planet.
#PrayingForParis

Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. Sharing my story let me know I was not alone in our loss. The road to healing is a long one. In fact, I’m not sure it ever ends. Day by day I remind myself to focus on the positive things though that emptiness and sadness still linger – Always ready for me to break down into tears; Always reminding me of what never was. It makes what I have that much more important. That much more sacred. But it does not erase that reminder of what was lost. These situations are much more common than you know. If you’ve lost a child don’t be afraid to reach out. You are not alone in this. And may the many angels lost rest in peace.

“The hard part isn’t the first step, or the second step [on the way towards your goal]. It’s the 5th, 6th and 7th steps when you’re in so deep you forget why you took that initial step in the first place. The middle of the tunnel, when you left the light behind you but you can’t yet see it in front of you either. When you have to trust that whatever ‘insane’ notion came over you to take the first step is still worth it now that you don’t see where it’s headed anymore. That’s the hard part of doing something big/great. It’s when you’re halfway up the mountain and you’re too far up to turn back but you can’t see the summit camp yet.”