getting hit in two different directions…

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It’s hard enough to struggle with a mental illness of your own, but when you have a loved one that suffers just as much or more that is when you feel out of control. I have a loved one that suffers immensely with depression. I had a mental break down last night because I’m trying to help them but I’m hurting and I don’t know what to do. It is so hard not to be selfish and want all the attention from them but when you know they need way more help than yourself you have to step it up and put your own issues aside.

I struggle with the feeling that I need to help everyone that is hurting but I seem to forget that I am just as important. It seems like my anxiety gets worse when I try to comfort someone else, because I hate feeling like everything is out of control. I can’t stand seeing someone that I love more than my own life miserable and drowning in depression.

I couldn’t even tell you how many people tell me “It’s out of your control”, “Don’t feel bad”, “It’s not your fault”, and “It’s not your life”. I wish that those people would just put a sock in their mouth when they have nothing better to say… WORDS HURT. If only you were inside my mind you would know how fucking ignorant you sound and how uneducated you are. I am a sensitive person and I strive to comfort people more than myself most of the time. How do you look someone in the eye that is fully consumed in crippling depression and tell them “It’s out of my control, sorry”, you don’t. You stretch yourself fucking thin to build them up.

I have yet to find a way to support my loved one and also keep myself above the water. I hate having to choose between them or myself.