Monty Python Scripts

Kamikaze Scotsmen

The cast:

The sketch:

(We see Edinburgh Castle at dusk. The lone piper is
silhouetted against the crimson-streaked sky.)

Jeremy:(voice over) The lone piper on the
battlements of Edinburgh 'Castle...

(There are a few bars of bagpipe music. Suddenly there is a
scream and he disappears. Cut to interior of stone-walled guardroom
inside Edinburgh Castle. Ten kilted Scottish guardsmen with bagpipes
in a line. A sergeant major at the door taps one on the shoulder.)

RSM: Next!

(The next goes outside. We hear pipes start, the sergeant
smiles. Cut to castle battlements. The piper plays and then jumps
off We hear the scream as before. Another piper emerges and goes
through the same routine.)

Voice Over:(Scottish accent) Here on top of
Edinburgh Castle, in conditions of extreme secrecy, men are being
trained for the British Army's first Kamikaze Regiment, the Queen's
Own McKamikaze Highlanders. (there is a scream and a piper jumps
off, another one emerges and starts to play) So successful has
been the training of the Kamikaze Regiment that the numbers have
dwindled from 30,000 to just over a dozen in three weeks. What makes
these young Scotsmen so keen to kill themselves?

(Close ups of soldiers.)

Scots Soldier: The money's good!

Second Soldier: And the water skiing! (he falls down
with a scream)

(Cut to interior of the guardroom in Edinburgh Castle. As
before, but with only six men left plus the sergeant major. Bagpipes
and a scream. The sergeant major dispatches another man. A captain
enters. Bagpipes again.)

RSM: Ten-shun,

Captain: All right, sergeant major. At ease. Now, how many
chaps have you got left,?

Captain:(looking rather uncertainly at the man
leaving) Now this mission's going to be dangerous, (bagpipes
start) and it's going to be tough, and we're going to need every
lad of yours to pull his weight. (the usual scream in the
background) Now, which ... er ... which four are they?

(The man walks over to the door, opens it, walks through and
disappears from sight. There is nothing but sky and clouds through
the door. Scream. Cut back to castle guardroom... Sketch continues
with 'No Time To Lose')