On the day the decision stood that the 32 centres would remain open but will have their funding cut from 4.5 million to 3 million. What myself and other parents in the support groups I belong to are concerned about is with this level of cuts how can the same level of service be provided? There are many experienced professionals in areas such as Family Support who are still unaware of the security of their jobs. These professionals work so hard, and not only work from the centres, but go into family homes to provide support.

Conservative Councillor Marc Bayliss is very vocal about the decision on Twitter providing replies to selected ‘Tweets’ via Twitter. I asked him:

“If you had a child with additional needs who had up to 10 meltdowns a day, which service would you go to for support?”

His reply:

“We are not shutting any centres and children and families in need will still be supported.”

Such a general reply that many people are receiving, what I wanted was for Councillor Bayliss to put himself in our shoes, and try to understand what it’s like when you don’t have a child who complies at home, who has explosive outbursts, that effect the whole family, and this still happens after every strategy you’ve tried. If the centres are still open is it guaranteed that the families will actually receive the same level of support? I don’t think so, in August 2015 we were referred to Family Support at our local children’s centre and a year on my child’s behaviour is actually worse at home as she is stronger and more difficulties are becoming notable, instead of weekly visits we have now been offered 1, yes 1 home visit, so yes indeed we are already seeing the effects of the funding cuts. I am saddened that Councillor Bayliss cannot be more sympathetic towards parents who support the centres, as he is a father himself.

Catherine Driscoll a senior director at Worcestershire Council was appointed to oversee children’s services, on 16th August 2016, the Worcester News published a report where Ms Driscoll stated that:

“People using the centres are not those most at risk.”

“They are not vulnerable families at risk.”

This angered me greatly as it was all about demographics, statistics and numbers – ticking a box – something that matters to me the least. Then I thought about our own case, we are regular children’s centre users, as my previous Blog post details, I attended baby groups as I felt isolated, I have a history of anxiety and depression and this means that I often feel socially awkward and find it difficult to talk to other people. We live in a council house, our rented house was sold and we didn’t have the money to rent somewhere else privately as money was extremely short after not returning to work after July 2014, due to a house move into a council rented house, to which I have no shame as my partner works over 40 hours a week and we have made it a cosy and safe home for our children, does this make us not at risk? Does having mental health issue not put me at risk? My partner has learning difficulties and severe Dyslexia- does this not put us at risk? I also happen to have a degree in Primary Education and a Postgraduate Certificate – Early Years Teacher Status (EYTS.)

What I’m trying to say is not everything about everyone in a household has to be straightforward, whether seen as ‘vulnerable’ or not, families from all walks of life need support. Just because I have 12 years’ education and childcare experience doesn’t mean that I’m a perfect parent, when I discovered my child had additional needs I struggled, even though I’ve worked with children with additional needs in the past, when it’s happening in your own home, and there’s so much emotion involved it’s a very different story. I wish people could see past generalisations of ‘groups’ and ‘types’ of people and what they should and shouldn’t be able to do.

Councillor Bayliss talks in such a nasty way to centre supporters on Twitter he wrote to Daniel Walton (PCC Candidate for West Mercia – Labour Party.)

“you we’re the one predicting a mass demo. BTW there were 46 people there inc. 3 labour & 1 green councillors.”

In fact, Cll Bayliss had not included the children into the equation that attended the council meeting on 15th September and it’s their future that we’re fighting for, and of course they matter!

Siani who runs the group for Worcestershire mums network was correct in stating to Cll Bayliss:

“do you have any idea how hard it is for families to attend a weekday meeting? And how hard it was for the 46?”

I care, I wanted to be at the meeting with my children, but I couldn’t attend that time on that day. Cll Bayliss’ Tweet made me want to justify why I couldn’t be at the meeting, although I wanted to, along with many other parents.

Here’s the reason why I didn’t attend:

My 4-year-old started school on 5th September and is still attending for mornings only. After I dropped her off at 9am, it takes me around 15 minutes to settle her as she has Sensory Processing Disorder and is overwhelmed by the noise and business of her classroom first thing in the morning, she will literally cling onto my arm until the classroom isn’t as busy. By this time I would have missed the bus from my village to County hall, (8 miles away) and I do not drive due to circumstances from a crash when I was younger. I needed to stay within the local vicinity as my daughter was picked up at 12.45, meaning if I had attended the meeting I couldn’t have made the pick-up and she would have been distressed that I wasn’t there to collect. If I had brought both my children to the meeting, it would have meant my eldest missed school and it was important that she settles in her first days, having Sensory Processing Disorder means that she simply wouldn’t have coped with the sight and sounds of a council meeting and would have attempted to run out of the room several times. What I’m trying to say is, not everyone drives, not everyone has it easy, some people have to plan their trips out to the finest detail to ensure their children can cope with the situation. I will make my voice heard through the power of words, online via my Blog and social media, I’ve never been any good at debates or understanding politics, but I can write about what makes me passionate – and the lives of other families who experience the same as we have, but that miss out on the support, due to funding cuts – that’s what drives me.

I prefer to write posts about my children, I don’t feel comfortable writing about myself. But this Blog is part of my therapy and allowing myself to let go of certain thoughts that constantly run through my head. For the first time since March, when I started my Blog, I’ve doubted if it’s the right thing to do, but when I’ve helped other’s in a similar situation by sharing my experiences it’s so rewarding and by having my posts shared on Facebook groups and websites such as Family Fund, Learning SPACE and SMILE centre, certainly make me feel like I must be doing something right. I have such a high functioning brain, I always need to feel like I’m learning something and as I’m not at work at the moment, the research I do and the experiences I write help to keep my brain active.

Anxiety has been with me since I can remember, I started biting my nails at 3 years old and can clearly remember points in my childhood where I feel most stressed about certain things, down to even my first days at starting a new school, even the smells and sounds I experienced and how nervous it made me feel. I have always tried to be everyone’s friend to keep everyone happy and to avoid disagreements and confrontations, but over the years this has become increasingly harder to do, since I’ve had children I’ve had to become braver to say what I think and really feel, especially if its related to their safety or best interests. I am a strange person as I describe myself! The real me is very hard to get along with! I’ve had, for the first time in my life, had experiences in the past year where people have clearly expressed that they don’t like me, or what I believe in and this has been very difficult for me to accept, for the first time in my life I have been called “nasty.” My anxiety is made worse by the thought that people are talking about me behind my back and making disapproving comments. I wish I just simply didn’t care! I often find that people do not openly ask me about why I choose to do certain actions, often ending in them making the wrong assumptions and not receiving the clear picture. I’ve always described myself as a ‘pushover’ and if someone said “jump” I’d say “how high?!” I have always been easy to influence and manipulate. I’d go along with things and agree, even if deep down, I didn’t truly feel that it was necessarily a good thing to do. And these weren’t only small decisions, I’m talking about extremely important, life changing decisions. For the first time in my life I’ve had to make decisions without outside influences and therefore if these decisions turn out to be the wrong ones, I only have myself to blame!

How I have dealt with this over the past year is to not associate with the individuals who can’t see the journey that we’re going through with Lou, and how much strain it puts on our family life, even though she cannot help it at all. I may make crazy decisions or say strange things as my head is often focused on Lou. It is also my role as a parent to protect both of my children from influences that I deem to not be appropriate role models, and again I’m left to look like the one who’s in the wrong but I am just doing my job as a mum. Especially because Lou is such an impressionable and switched on child who listens and takes everything in and then repeats it!

I’m always saying that I feel that I should be able to cope better with Lou’s additional needs, especially the behaviour she displays, there are plenty of parents out there who are coping far better, but this is me, and unfortunately I do have a lower coping threshold than some. I am often saying that “this is me, I simply cannot change who I am” unfortunately I can’t wave a magic wand and make myself cope with things better.

I have been so greatful to recently talk to someone else, that for the first time in my life, that feels the same as I do. It was a massive relief to talk to someone who can understand what I’m going through.