News from Hell A

DOWNEY – There are probably few things in life more painful for men than going shopping with the little lady, but one department store seems to have figured out a way to make shopping more enjoyable for men. Would shopping be more interesting for you if the trip to the mall included a lap dance? What if you could spend a few hours trying on strippers while your wife was trying on dresses? Dorman’s department store opened a strip club, The Dressing Room, within their flagship store three months ago and the store has never been busier. “My wife dragged me to Dorman’s a couple of weeks ago because she felt we needed some new furniture,” said Bill Parnell. “I heard some music and guys hooting and went to investigate and I couldn’t believe my eyes. Now I want to go shopping every weekend.” Bill Dorman II, the store manager, came up with the idea after attending a bachelor party and observing how happy men get when they are surrounded by strippers. “I figured that the negative attitude of the guys was hurting sales. It’s a real win-win-win situation now,” said Dorman. But are the women bothered by the club? “Are you kidding,” said one. “My husband not only lets me buy what I want now, but when we got home from shopping the other night he stuffed a five in my underwear!”

EAST LOS ANGELES – A combination of high gas prices and a weak economy are taking their toll on all segments of the population, including gangs. A recent study showed that with gas selling above three dollars per gallon and, because many gang bangers driving gas guzzling SUV’s, drive-by shootings have hit an all-time low. Flaco, an East LA gang banger, is angry that his gang has been reduced to “bike-bys” and “walk-bys” and he feels that his gang has now lost much of its prowess. Flaco is also concerned that his use of a bicycle makes him look like some kind of “pinche” paperboy…small children now regularly taunt him. Various gangs throughout the Southland now have been trying to raise money in surprisingly conventional ways so they can keep rolling. The Big Top Locos gang held a bake sale to help raise gas money, but were only able to collect $23.50. “That’s bullshit”, said one gang member, “I stayed up all night making cookies to make twenty bucks? It makes you want to kill someone…and I will…once I get my bike chain fixed.”

BEVERLY HILLS – Fluffy, a three year old Pomeranian pooch with a chocolate brown eyes and a congenital heart condition, has been on life support at the Green Hills Animal Hospital for several months, but people are questioning how much longer Fluffy’s life should be artificially supported. Fluffy’s half owner, Jesus Santana, has asked for the plug to be pulled because he claims that’s what Fluffy’s wishes were prior to her loss of consciousness. Fluffy’s other half owner and Santana’s ex-wife, Maria Soldana, feels that Santana is just being cheap and she has enlisted PETA in the fight for Fluffy. The real plot thickener here though is Santana himself. He is the host of the hit T.V. show Speak to Me, a program that features Santana’s ability to speak to animals. Fluffy has apparently told Santana that the vet is just keeping her alive so he can run up the hospital bill. Santana’s lawyers filed suit to have the care terminated and are seeking monetary damages for mental anguish.

RESEDA – Some things just seem to go together like baseball and hot dogs, peanut butter and chocolate, and some would say hotties and string bikinis. And there are those things that should probably never be paired. Helmut Lang, an Austrian filmmaker, decided last year that he wanted to pair Christianity and pornography and he is now suffering some of the consequences of that decision. With titles such as The Passions of the Christ, Brotherly Love, Love Thy Neighbor and Oh God, I’m Coming under his belt, Lang figured that it was just a matter of time before Paramount would be tapping him to direct their next feature, but Lang has instead become enemy number one of the Christian right and now faces possible criminal charges. Lang feels that Christians have been portrayed as being bad at sex, that they only do the missionary position, so he wanted to show the world that being a Christian can be sexy and also incorporate Christian messages in his movies. But several leading Christian groups apparently don’t want Christians to be portrayed as being sexy and they hardly see Lang as a Jesus-like character. Pastor John Roberts, the President of the Christian Family Values Coalition, wants Lang to be punished for his transgressions. Upon hearing this Lang responded, “I guess I won’t be releasing Sermon on the Mounds anytime soon.”

TOPANGA – There are now 4300 recognized religions in the world and more are being created every year. Religion is commonly defined as belief concerning the supernatural, sacred, or divine, and the moral codes, practices and institutions associated with such belief. The Goforit religion was created five years ago by Bill Paisley, a surfer turned pastor, and it is based on the premise that the Supreme Being wants humans to do whatever they feel like doing; God wants us to “go for it.” Paisley, according to legend, was visited by God during a peyote experience and God told him to spread his message. “We worry way too much, man,” Reverend Paisley recently told me on a visit to his compound. ‘The Big Kahuna or B.K. wants us all to take a chill pill and enjoy life. He told me that the only rule for life is that there aren’t any rules, and then I passed out.” The practitioners of the Goforit religion, who are known as dudes and dudettes, come from all walks of life and are very free spirited; many at the church don’t wear clothes and copulate openly. “The B.K. said ‘Screw it all’ and so that’s what I’m doing,” said Richard Marx, a former accountant turned “dude.” There are many, however, that feel that the religion breeds irresponsibility and that Paisley is a charlatan. “The B.K. essentially told me that if you don’t go for it then you’re going to hell,” says Paisley. “I think people better start going for it or the B.K. is going to be totally pissed and come down and do some nasty stuff…like make all the chicks fat or kill the buzz on this righteous high I’m experiencing now.”

ALHAMBRA – When Paul Nguyen arrived here as a child from his native Vietnam he dreamed of becoming a veterinarian. Well, he and his family struggled to make his dream come true, and they succeeded: Dr. Nguyen opened his first clinic five years ago. Unfortunately, however, Dr. Nguyen soon discovered that there wasn’t much money to be had in the pet doctor business and so he was forced to diversify his business two years ago in order to keep the doors open. You might feel a little uncomfortable eating at a 99 cent all you can eat Chinese buffet while your Mr. Whiskers is getting his shots, but Dr. Nguyen’s hybrid business – vet clinic slash Vietnamese restaurant, is booming and he’s planning on opening another clinic next month. “Instead of reading old magazines my customers are eating a good lunch and they’re paying me for it,” says the now happy doctor. And while there have been suspicions that some of Nguyen’s patients who didn’t “make it” are “making it” into the lunch buffet, Dr. Paul denies the charge. Says one customer, “I’m not sure where he’s getting his meat from, but if it doesn’t bark while I’m eating it and it only costs 99 cents, then I’m not complaining.”

LONG BEACH, Calif. — What California commuter hasn’t ever had the urge to just walk away from traffic entirely? Well, George Hart found a way to kayak away from it all.

To be sure, there are plenty of jokes about trashy conditions and skanky water quality in the notorious SoCal landmark that is the Los Angeles River, but such folklore didn’t stop the resourceful Hart from making an impromptu purchase of a kayak and sliding into the murky waters a few months ago.

“I saw the ‘Kayak For Sale’ sign, then I saw a sign that said “Los Angeles River,” and just then the song “Rollin’ on the River” came over the radio! I didn’t even know there was any water in the damn river — it was an act of faith. I never even looked back at my car. I shelled out fifty bucks on the spot and dragged that kayak somehow down to actual water, put the yellow beast in, and it’s been smooth paddling ever since.”

And how has the commute been so far? Hart admits that he’s pretty wet and dirty by the time he gets to work in downtown Long Beach, but manages to sneak into work before his colleagues and make use of a company shower. George also claims that his unconventional commute has helped him lose 100 pounds – not too many L.A. highway commuters can claim that.

What’s the strangest thing he has seen on the Los Angeles River? “Large trees, exotic birds, schools of fish, friendly people — I was completely unprepared for those things.”

What’s the oddest thing that ever happened? “I almost got tagged once by a gang, but they were so blown away by me, this strange guy floating down the river, that they dropped their cans and they now salute me when I pass their way and call me the Loco Rio Hombre.”