The 10 Most Insane Man vs. Bear Showdowns

by DannyGallagherOctober 25, 2010 at 10:00AM
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5. Man vs. Bear vs. Stick

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When it comes to high tech weaponry, you have to stand in awe in that most basic tool of ass-kickery: the stick. It doesn’t have high powered laser scopes or hollow-point technology. It doesn’t require training of a license to learn how to operate. You just pick it up and swing in the direction of your enemy.

Another Canadian walking his dogs along the majestic Williams Lake in British Columbia encountered a bear that jumped on top of him and starting mauling his face and head. The man picked up the nearest object he could find: a large stick. He bludgeoned the bear to death with it, crushing its skull with the stick’s massive wooden weight. The man survived but needed more than 60 stitches to his face and scalp. The stick was sold to U.S. Department of Defense’s ballistics and weapons development lab for further testing and military expansion.

4. Woman vs. Bear vs. Woman’s Fingers

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Mankind has come a long way in achieving gender equality. These days, any woman can down an entire bottle of Jack and headed off to the zoo for a day of news-making fun, just as easily and ignorantly as any dunderhead with a set of fuzzy dice. Rosie the Riveter was right.

One woman scored a notch for the ladies (or lost one, depending on your definition of gender achievements) when she drunkenly wandered past the guard barriers of at a zoo in Wisconsin and tried to feed an obviously hungry bear a handful of her tasty vittles. The bear, however, preferred human food of another variety and bit off the woman’s fingers as she reached into the enclosure. The local mayor’s office released a statement confirming that the woman was intoxicated, causing a public outcry against the mayor for such an obvious waste of paper and ink.

3. Woman vs. Bear vs. Zucchini

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Probably the only time the sight of a large, bulbous zucchini would be scary is in some kind of prison setting or a visit to an overly friendly proctologist.

A woman from Montana, however, was able to add a third setting to that list when she used nature’s most rudely shaped vegetable to fend off an attack from a bear. She was tending her garden when the large animal trotted up and bit her in the leg. She reached for the nearest thing she could find, a ripe zucchini and flung it at the bear. The zucchini must have been using Ron Jeremy strength Miracle-Gro because it hit the bear hard enough to scare it off back in the woods.

2. Pregnant Woman vs. Bear vs. Car

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Nothing screams “born under a bad sign” more than a tragedy that is immediately followed by another tragedy (e.g. “New Coke” and “Crystal Pepsi,” Kanye West’s Grammy win and Kanye West’s Grammy acceptance speech, everything M. Night Shamaylan has done since The Sixth Sense).

One Colorado Springs woman learned that lesson the hard way with her bear attack encounter. In fact, the bear was the least damaging variable in this equation of suck. A bear started chasing the woman down but as she tried to escape, she ran into the path of an oncoming car. Thankfully, she survived the ordeal with minor injuries, an even more thankful outcome since she was also pregnant at the time. Rangers had to put the bear down, but she gave her newborn a middle name, “Bear,” in honor of the posthumous ball of fuzz. The only way that couldn’t be unsavorably cool is if the kid’s first name is “Harry” and his last name is “Butt.”

1. Man vs. Bear vs. Lightning

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Just because two unlikely and unfortunate incidents don’t happen back to back doesn’t mean your luck barometer is about to run dry. Time is a cruel and heartless bitch. She’s like Katherina from The Taming of the Shrew without all that chirpy charm or charisma.

A man in North Carolina survived a rather grisly (no pun intended, I’m paid better than that) bear attack one night in front of his home. He was wandering in the cold, dark breeze of his front yard because he hasn’t been able to get a decent night’s sleep since 2006...when he was struck by lightning.

Even the bear who bit a big chunk out of him is reading this and going “Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn.”