At Long Last, Gwyneth Paltrow Has Released The $3.99 Goop iPhone App You’ve All Been Waiting For

It’s been a while since we last checked in on possible white affluence performance artist Gwyneth Paltrow — too long in fact. It’s as if everyone’s favorite insufferable celebrity monster has been laying low preparing to wow us with one giant “WTF?!” so utterly ridiculous that there will be no doubt left in anyone’s mind that she’s either the most brilliant thespian of our time or the most impossibly un-self-aware person to ever walk the planet. Hmmm, I wonder which one it is…

Yes, today brought the launch of “Goop City,” a $3.99 iPhone app in which Gwyneth gives virtual tours of her favorite cities for the 1% — the only people who could possibly afford them. I swear, I am not making this up.

I have always dreamed of finding a city guide that would be just right for me, like a trusted friend whose opinion you knew you could count on. After years of being steered in the wrong direction by bribed concierges, biased opinions and just plain bad suggestions, I decided to create what I had been missing: The goop City Guide! We begin with New York City and you can expect many more over the coming months. This app will be your resource for the tried and tested of the best and coolest of Manhattan (and Brooklyn, and a bit of Queens, the Bronx and New Jersey). After a lot of careful curation and hard work, our first ever app (that will update from time to time with the freshest, most cutting-edge info) is ready for purchase on the App Store!

Love,
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If that wasn’t enough to strike your fancy, the app includes info on “the most fantastic food cart for a quick snack, the best boutique to find a unique piece for your wardrobe, a beautiful salon where you can get your makeup done, the coolest playground to take your kids to, and the person to call for an at-home blow dry.”