3 March 2014

Cochrane's Paradox

A recent entry from the Scottish Dictionary of National Philosophistry(2004) (OUP).

First identified by the onyxo-unio-cardiolist Alan Cochrane in or around Auchtermuchty in 2007, Cochrane's Paradox remains one of the thorniest politico-logical puzzles of contemporary Scottish philosophy.

Extending Erwin Schrödinger's famous thought experiment in quantum theory from the feline to the functionary, Cochrane sought to find a basis in reason for the claim that civil servants working for their democratically-elected governments could be both a scandal and a disgrace, and celebrated and proper, at the same time. Although Cochrane's primary focus was always theoretical, contributing to humanity's understandings of higher order concepts, this uncharacteristically political theorist of physics chose to express this paradox in terms of the constitutional controversies of his own day.

Just as a fluffy kitten in the fuzzy bloom of youth cannot be both
lively and dead simultaneously, the richly face-furnitured philosophist
struggled to reconcile the claim that the UK government's use of its
bureaucrats' time, talents and authority to promote its constitutional
preferences was simply splendid, while the perfidious Scottish Nationalist
insurgency's use of the self-same civil service resources to make the case for independence amounted to a disgraceful abuse of power and a subversion of a key pillar of the state hinting at dark designs on the liberty of the subject.

But how could both propositions be true simultaneously, the same practices being both right and proper when undertaken by civil servants under the superintendence of UK ministers and a scandal and an outrage when simultaneously engaged in by their Holyrood counterparts? Cochrane's paradox was formed. Only fully worked out in his late writings, Cochrane's early work in the field anticipated the thought experiment which would make his name.

"Civil servants are paid by you but in Scotland they work for a separatist
government even though they’re members of the British Civil Service."

To date, no subsequent theorist has been able to resolve the basic logical tensions in Cochrane's position. Emotionally and intellectually exhausted by his many failed attempts to resolve these issues, Cochrane abandoned advanced political quantum thinking in 2014. Selling his Perthshire home, the onyxo-unio-cardiolist is understood to have invested in a supply of gunpowder, a veteran crew of rum-soaked ex-lobby correspondents and a small brigantine.

Flying under the traditional Cochrane Maggie-Thatcher-spearing-a-heart-while-quaffing-champagne flag, the ship has been implicated in a recent series of raids on fishing villages and towns along the Banff and Buchan coast. Locals have returned to find their homes despoiled of copies of the Spectator and Royal Jubilee branded tea sets, large numbers of which now flood the London black market.See also: Dr John Charity Springpp. 138 - 9.

12 comments
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As John Charity Spring was wont to say, quidquid praecipites esto brevis, but shurely the cat in the Scottish version of Schrodinger's Boax is no 'fluffy kitten' but Felis silvestris silvestris, or to give it its subspecies name, Felis silvestris silvestris McAlpinus, a rare survival indeed.

Musing on Scottish divisions, Alan Cochrane, and JCS' creator George Fraser - I was at George's Memorial in London, and talking with a friend back in Glasgow afterwards, we noted the lack of response from Holyrood (then Labour run of course). George was born in England but of Scottish origin, and closely connected to Scotland all his life - and in his books.

Yet for the Scottish establishment George was Not One of Us.

How do we divide as Scots? We divide in lots of ways, but also share. I share with Salmond a reverence for James Robertson's novels. I vote Labour and not SNP, yet culturally, I found it embarrassing that Jack McConnell chose to enthuse over Michelle McManus winning a TV talent show rather than Nicola Benedetti winning the BBC Young Musician of the Year.

Nae harm to Michelle, but Nicola was clearly a major talent.

Culturally - in some ways - I seem to be more at home with both the Tory Alan Cochrane and with Eck than with some of the people I align with politically. There is a fabric there which makes us what we are, and will continue to make us what we are, come what may in September.

I think there's something to that. A few historical figures come to mind in the same connection. Robert Louis Stevenson, Scotsman? Or is an Edinburgh lawyer who writes primarily in standard English not on in the same way? There is at least an articulation of Scottishness which would see some forms of "Anglicisation" meaning you are "less" Scottish. The idea of Edinburgh as "not really" a Scottish city always seemed to me to echo that logic. The same goes for some of its denizens, including some of its most famous, include David Hume and Stevenson, who don't fit in well to the (arguably dominant?) lens of seeing alpha Scottishness in terms of working class men from the urban west central Scotland.

“I think of him more of a long nosed, elegantly coiffed Afghan pawing through his leather bound library whilst disdainfully inhaling a puddle of Armagnac in an immense crystal snifter. If he can also lift his leg over his shoulder and lick his balls...” ~ Conan the Librarian™

“... the erudite and loquacious Peat Worrier who never knowingly avoids a prolix circumlocution.” ~Love and Garbage

“My initial mind picture was of a scanty bikini'd individual wallowing in a bath tub of peat. However I've since learned to warm to him, and like peat he's slow to draw but quick to heat...” ~Crinkly & Ragged Arsed Philosophers

Definition: "to worry peat" v.

"Peat worrying" is the little known or understood process for the extraction of cultural peat, practised primarily in the Lowlands of Scotland by aspirant urban rustics. Primary implements by means of which successful "worrying" is achieved include the traditional oxter-flaughter but also the sharp-edged kailyard and the innovative skirlie stramasher.