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Saturday, December 15, 2007

Satan's.... Uhm... SANTA's little helpers

I love when the Christmas decorations all come up around town. Especially the ones in the mall. They’re all shiny, soo shiiiiiiny. After having been awoken by the sounds of loud screechy sex from upstairs, I figured I’d go check it out. The decorations that is, not the screechy sex. The less I know about that, the better, really.

The first thing that you notice is the enormous Santa hanging on the wall right next to the escalators. First you see his boots and his gigantic…uhm…pelvic area, then comes the belly, arms and when you start to near the top of the stairs, you're always relieve to see that he's got a head. As I was staring up at Chris Cringle’s private bits, I could hear the merry music of the season pouring out from the record store.

Every year the record companies spew out CD’s with various A- and B celebrities singing Christmas songs. If you play them backwards you’ll probably hear the voice of Satan commanding you to stock up on Coca Cola products, or something.

This time of the year, I become extremely partial to everything with the word “Christmas” written on it. I buy Christmas soda, Christmas cookies, Christmas notebooks and the list goes on and on. I have a Christmas calendar, of course. Normally, when there’s chocolate in the house, I attack it all with such feverish glee you’d think I’d just been released from a work camp in Siberia. Are there still work camps in Siberia, by the way? Probably not.

Hey, did you know what I just noticed? SANTA is and acronym for SATAN. I wonder what that means? Probably that I have too much time on my hands.

Choo Choo you have to find a link to an old Saturday Night Live skit with Dana Carvey doing the "Church Lady" she talks about the whole Santa - Satan connection..I noticed in the mall that people are much ruder this time of year both in the stores and on the roads leading to them.

Santa and Satan have lots in common:Both like wearing red.Both hang around lots of coal.Both try to buy your affection with empty promises.Both want you to be on their side.Both hang out with creepy little people.

I love seeing Christmas decorations in restaurants and around town, especially the xmas lights. It makes everything festive. I notice though they put the best stuff either in store window displays or otherwise out of reach so I can't steal it.