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and for a minute, I lost myself

this is what you'll get, this is what you'll get

mood: aiming for chemical free numb.

37 years ago, give or take a week or two, I got my first ever present in the form of a record of this unknown dude that a friend of my parents thought might be going somewhere. Tonight, my parents took me to the unknown dude's concert. James Taylor. It was a good concert - his introductions and stories about his songs were really entertaining, and I probably would have had a fantastic time if I wasn't having a mini nervous breakdown. Or maybe it's full blown. It's a little too early to tell. i'm still awake because I really don't want to have a birthday tomorrow - or right now even, because then I am going to have to face the facts about where my life is, and where, just a month or two ago, I thought it would be right now.

This is complicated by the fact that Brian has changed his mind about me or us or something, but he's not letting go, and so far I haven't done a good job at making him. There's been communication which I've kept secret because it's shameful that I would even entertain the idea of talking to this guy who ripped my heart out. Keeping the secret might be worth it if it made me happy, but it's not truly because I know that he is not the guy for me. The guy for me is out there somewhere and here are two things I know about him; he likes to read books, and he doesn't mind singing along to Pete Seeger or motherfucking Justin Timberlake in the car. I hope I meet him before it's too late for to have children because i've realized that is one thing I would really like to do. Fuck. so i'm a bit of a shambles right now, I am cracked and stuff is oozing out the sides and I don't know how to mop it up.

In the mean time, i'm spending time in Second Life because I have a purpose there, and it takes me a lot longer to crash into walls there than it does in real life.