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Thursday, December 29, 2011

From the Desk of The Slutty Slut Shamer....

So, the thing that gets me about this new phenomenon which is being labeled “slut shaming” is that, unbeknownst to me, I’d been doing it for years…even back when I was actively being like a super huge slut. Like, super huge. Seriously.

If you're not yet familiar with the term that's suddenly getting whored out all over the blogs harder than a varsity cheerleader pumped full of trash can punch, then allow me to enlighten you...

Slut Shaming: v. - Making women feel bad about the killing of innocent children which they themselves brought into existence through the spreading of their fish nets after a long night of pounding the ol' Boone’s Farm, because it’s not really the murdering of said children you’re opposed to, but women’s liberation. And lesbian haircuts.

Ok, so that definition is a little condescending I’ll admit, but I’m allowed to use it since the aforementioned "slut" was totally me (*cue Mohawk pic circa 2005). And I know what you’re thinking right now. “Did she just use the ‘it’s ok for me to tell that joke because I have black friends’ defense?” The answer is yes; yes I did. Being a reformed slut I’ve been granted life long privilege to pontificate on the promiscuity of my little slut sisters (and Boone’s Farm) for as long as I like, you see.

Years ago there was no shame in my game, except for maybe when I would knowingly say complete and udder drivel such as, “…yeah, so I like totally love commitment free sex, because it’s just like so empowering for me as a woman and it’s just like super amazing and stuff….” barf. I knew how dumb that sounded even back then...as I was proclaiming it…from the top of whatever bar I'm sure I was dancing on in between two of my slut friends. But still, this was precisely the type of horse sh*t I would say at the height of my slutdom.

However, I digress.

See, If I am anything, I am a coward shamer. Because I have absolutely no tolerance for sexually active women who act completely dumbfounded when penis vagina relations make baby. And rather than hearing you talk about what “hard choices” you are going to have to make now in regards to the killing or not killing of your fetus, all I hear is, “derp, derp, derp, I’m too stupid for real feminism.” The "hard choice" was made the second you hopped in the back of that Camaro, and if you have the mental wherewithal to get fully undressed in a 4ft by 3ft space without catching an elbow to the eye, than I have a really hard time believing you didn’t realize his semen could bump into your egg on the way to the uterus bar and hit it off. So let’s drop the act. You’re either stupid or you’re not. You knew what could happen. Heck, I knew what could happen! Which is why at the tender age of 16 when it did happen, I was a lot of things, but confused about what “hard choices” I was going to have to make was not one of them. I had already made my choice. Now it was time to take responsibility like a real woman. Slutty or not, that character trait was absolutely irrelevant when it came down to the fact that I had created life.

Sex leads to babies. Everyone knows that. If you don’t want a baby, then don’t have sex. That doesn’t mean you can’t be a slut, it just means you can’t be a full service slut, so can we please put this argument to bed already? (…I don’t care whose.)

Now, if you want to debate the pros and cons of promiscuity, I have been there and have the vomit covered hoe-bag shirt to prove it. Slutty just isn't smart. It’s lazy and if the herp doesn't get ya, the emotional consequences alone will haunt you for years to come. But, if we are strictly talking abortion rights here (which 9 times out of 10 these blogs are), than please faux feminists stop making all women look so ignorant by letting them play the stupid card when it comes time to face the physical consequences of their actions. Let them stand up and take it like...well, a woman. Sex makes babies out of sperm and egg, and abortion makes cowards out of women. There is nothing liberating about killing our own defenseless children. That is the most shameful act imaginable.

{*Side note: This blog was obviously intended for the 99% of women who were NOT forced to engage in sexual intercourse against their will...so save your rape rants for another comment section, ladies.}

Right. So you were a slut and now you're angry about it and therefore women who get abortions are cowards. Maybe they just don't believe that abortion is wrong. But there are no moral complications surrounding abortion. No ambiguity at all. You have infallible judgement and perfect intuition and that's why you got knocked up at 16. There's nothing wrong with making mistakes and learning from those errors of judgement. But usually when people seriously f*uck up they gain at least an ounce of humility. This seems to have totally bypassed you. Rather you went straight from a life full of bad choices to a life of perfect insight and clarity. That's quite an accomplishment. Bravo.

Well, you certainly took the high road here (not being sarcastic). Although your article still annoys me you responded to my provocation with grace and charm and that really says a lot about you as a person. I guess I'll follow your blog.

One of my children was conceived in a situation where I said stop and he didn't. To me the only "choice" was whether to keep my baby or give her up for adoption. There were people who said things to me like "why didn't you have an abortion, no one would have known." Others people thought I was some kind of hero for having the baby. I don't think it is heroic to give birth when it was my lack of thinking through a situation that got me pregnant. Thanks for the rant. I agree wholeheartedly.

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