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Positive Parenting 101

Want to know how to be the best parent that any child could
have?

Here are the secrets to positive parenting in a nutshell:

1.Listen

2.Praise

3.Gain compliance

4.Use effective consequences

5.Have family meetings

6.Create win-win solutions

7.Build your child’s self-esteem

Now let’s look at each of these individually…

1. Listen--The most valuable gift you can give your youngster
is to listen to the little and big things in her life. Begin early so that the
lines of communication will be open during the adolescent years:

Use
simple acknowledgement responses that show you are listening (e.g., "I
see. Oh. Uh-Huh. Hmmm.").

Use
door-openers, phrases that encourage further talking (e.g., "Tell me
more. Go on. How do you feel about that? I know what you mean. Then
what?").

Listen
for and name the feelings you think you hear from what your youngster is
telling you (e.g., "That made you pretty mad, didn't it? You seem
really happy about that!").

Use
problem-solving phrases when needed (e.g., "What do you wish you
could do? What do you want to happen? What do you think will happen if you
do that?").

Don't
feel that you must advise or help your youngster come up with a solution
all the time. The value of listening is in the listening itself.

Listening
helps moms and dads and kids avoid the power struggle cycle. Instead of
arguing, listen. Show your understanding while maintaining your position.

Don't
try to deny, discount, or distract the youngster from the feelings they
are expressing.

2.
Praise--The behavioral effect of praise is to reinforce your youngster's
correct behavior and self-discipline. Praise increases the bond of affection
between parent and youngster and builds self-esteem:

Look
your youngster in the eye.

Move
close to your youngster.

Smile.

Praise
a specific behavior (e.g., "You did a great job cleaning up your
room.").

Speak
with feeling and sincerity.

Touch
your youngster affectionately, maybe a pat on the back.

Praise
immediately, as soon as you notice commendable behavior.

Praise
should be honest and specific.

Don't
dilute the effectiveness of praise by overdoing it or being insincere.

3. Gain compliance--Following these steps to gain compliance from your youngster
will prevent frustration, anger and resentment between parent and youngster:

Stop
and decide what you want your youngster to do.

Get
the youngster's attention. Move closer to your child or call him to come
to you. Make direct eye contact.

Tell
your child what to do directly and firmly. Don't ask, though you may offer
a choice if you wish. Don't end your instruction with "OK?"

Don't
let your child sidetrack you with whining, excuses, or arguing. Restate
your instructions one more time if necessary then watch to make sure he
begins.

Praise
your child when he does the task quickly and well (e.g., "You did a
good job with those dishes.").

If
he doesn't begin doing what you said or doesn't finish, say: "What
did I tell you to do?" When he answers correctly, say, "Good,
now do it."

If
he doesn't do it, then stop the world. He doesn't do another thing until
he does what you told him to do.

Decide
the consequence you will impose and go to the youngster to warn him of the
consequence.

Move
closer to your child than normal, conversational distance. Make direct
prolonged eye contact and tell your child the consequence of not doing
what you asked.

Give
your child the opportunity to complete the task now. When he does, praise
him.

If
he still doesn't comply, send him to his room to cool off while you do the
same.

Go
into his room and tell him that the consequence you stated earlier is now
in effect (e.g., grounding, no TV, extra chore, removal of privilege,
etc.).

Do
not let your child return to the family group until he has completed the
original task that you gave him.

Use
your facial expression and tone of voice to convey your disapproval if
your youngster does not comply with your instruction in the time frame
that you set.

Don't
become distracted so that you overlook compliance or non-compliance.
Remember to praise compliance or follow-up on non-compliance.

Remain
calm and unemotional when you implement consequences. That is the reason
to take a short break while he is in Siberia before you implement the
consequences.

4.
Use effective consequences--The purpose of discipline is to teach self-control
and self-discipline. Using effective consequences can break the cycle of
non-compliance by your youngster:

When
you notice non-compliance, first give a reminder. Remember to make direct
eye contact. This simple strategy will work most of the time.

Begin
to think of an effective consequence if the reminder doesn't work.

5.
Have family meetings--Family meetings help busy families stay connected. Other
benefits of this simple tool are improved communication, self-esteem, emotional
support and problem solving:

Moms
and dads decide together to begin holding family meetings.

Tell
kids that you will begin holding family meetings to talk about what's
going on in everyone's life.

Let
everyone decide together when and where to hold meetings.

Mom
and dad should be the co-moderators for meetings at the beginning. Share
the moderator duties with kids as you go along.

At
the first meeting remind everyone to contribute to the conversation,
listen to others, and be supportive not critical.

Use
the "Around the Circle" method. Go around the circle giving each
family member the opportunity to respond to the topic.

Around
the Circle Subject 1 - Something that made you feel good this week.

Moms
and dads offer praise, encouragement, and support for the good things that
each person mentions.

Around
the Circle Subject 2 - Something that bothered you this week.

Moms
and dads listen for and acknowledge the feelings that are expressed, ask
open-ended questions to clarify the problem, and then brainstorm solutions
with the entire family.

Around
the Circle Subject 3 - Something that you want to work on or accomplish
next week.

Moms
and dads model making an action plan and help kids set a specific goal to
continue positive experiences or address problems identified this week.

Around
the Circle Subject 4 - Your schedule for the week. What meetings,
appointments, tests, special events or projects you have this week.

Moms
and dads identify any scheduling conflicts and individual responsibilities
necessitated by the week's schedule. Plan your week. Teach good time
management.

Set
a scheduled time for meetings, post it where everyone will see, and keep
the time. If moms and dads are committed to the project, it will have more
impact.

Make
the meetings fun too. Tell a story or a joke, play games, have contests.

6.
Create win-win solutions--Use the family meeting to work on family problems in
a structured and non-threatening way. The objective of the meeting should be to
arrive at a Win-Win solution for everyone:

Clarify
the problem. The parent moderator should introduce the general nature of
the problem, and then use the "Around the Circle" technique to
get each person's view of the problem.

Around
the Circle Questions: "What is the problem as you see it? How does it
affect you? What is your contribution to the problem?"

These
are challenging questions. The family should listen to each speaker with
respect and an attempt at understanding. Avoid interrupting or becoming
defensive.

The
moderator should write down the points of agreement and disagreement as
they arise.

Brainstorm
solutions. Go around as many times as necessary to come up with a list of
possible solutions to the problem. Don't analyze the solutions now. Just
write them all down.

Go
through the list of possible solutions to narrow them down to the best
solution for all family members.

Use
the "Around the Circle" technique to get each person's view on
what is the best solution for everyone. Ask, "Which of these do you
think is the best solution? Why? Is it fair to everyone?"

Select
the best solution. Get commitment from each person to make the solution
work.

Decide
what each person will do to implement the solution. This is the time to
come up with responsibilities, rewards, limits, consequences, and other
agreed upon commitments.

Now
you should go around one more time with each family member stating what
specific action they will take to solve the problem.

Follow
up on each person's commitment. Meet again when needed to evaluate and
strengthen the solution.

For
the solution to work, everyone has to be convinced that their input has
been considered and that it is the best thing for each of them.

4 comments:

I have a 17 year old who has been to various therapists, psychiatrists, and most recently has been treated for an eating disorder in a hospital. She is verbally abusive, uses lack of eating at times to get attention and I believe as the number one way to upset me. She has a sister who was recently diagnosed with crohns disease. This was serious and at times demanded a lot of my attention. When the attention is not on my daughter she goes around saying I only care about her sister and has a tantrum, withdraws from activities she normally loves, and becomes verbally abusive....sometimes through text messages as well. She doesn't cooperate with school. Her psychiatrist thinks she has a character disorder and is going to put her on medication. her therapist who specializes in eating disorders wanted her weighed at the pediatrician. My daughter went and refused to go on the scale yesterday. The pediatrician threatened drop her as a patient...and this is a wonderful pediatrician who took care of her since she was a baby. My daughter refused to eat dinner last night and told me she will not come out of her room until I show her I care. Her way of showing you care is dropping everything and doing everything o make her happy and spending endless money on her. She is a girl who was given a lot of material things but could never have enough. If you don't follow through on something she thinks was promised to her due to money or bad behavior she says we have endless money, are liars, and don't care about her. the list goes on and on.....this is a very tough and out of control kid. We have a therapist, psychiatrist, nutritionist, and will be starting with a family therapist as well. Money is tough because we are going through it like water trying to help. This is definitely the worst I have had it with her. Prior to getting this therapist we had to call a children's help line and she ended up in an emergency room to times and released. My daughter with the crohns cannot take it from her. The psychiatrist tells me not to take the crap and stay focused on my daughter with the crohns and let her and the therapist handle things. I have my daughter with he crohns in therapy for support.

MY SON IS FAILING HIS ALLEGBRA CLASS. I ADMIT THAT I AM MICROMANAGING HIM IN REGARDS TO THIS. I AM AT THE END OF THE ROPE AND I AM TIRED OF BUTTING HEADS. I HAVE NOW GOTTEN HIM TO MEET WITH A TUTOR WHICH HE IS NOT HAPPY WITH DOING. I HATE TO SEE HIM FAIL SO WHAT DO I DO???? IS THERE SOME KIND OF APPROPRIATE DISCIPLINE FOR THIS SITUATION?

From the office of Mark Hutten, M.A. Online Parent Support, LLC Author of My Out-of-Control Teen The problem is that...

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