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You knew it was only a matter of time before perfect little Lady Mary would have her perfect little cherub child that she can order around and tell what to do and make it's life absolute living hell. Well, she's not officially pregnant yet, but the foreshadowing was so dark it makes the middle of the night look like a florescent light bulb show room. Matthew and Mary are going to conceive the once and future heir of Downton Abbey and the rest of us are just going to have to deal with their perfection.
But last night there were plenty of things to both love and hate, as there always are. Before Ethel gets back out there selling her body for tuppence, let's have a look at all of them, shall we?
LOVE
Lady Edith's Wardrobe: I don't know if she's catching up with the times, using the money she's making from her burgeoning journalism career on clothes, or getting rid of poor old Sir Anthony Strallan has finally made her hip and young, but Lady Edith is looking better than ever. Whether it's her orange dresses that flatter her coloring, this demure and professional ensemble she wore to meet her editor for the first time, or the lovely lavender frock she wore to Sybil II: The Revenge's christening, this girl is working it out.
"Stick It Up Your Jumper": This is a phrase that Anna uses to tell someone to go shove it and I'm going to find a way to bring it back into the modern vocabulary. This is my "fetch" and I am going to make it happen. At first I thought it was "stick it up your dumper," which would be gross and vulgar but also a great way to tell someone to shove something you don't want up their ass. I wish I could tell Julian Fellows to stick the Bates in prison storyline up his dumper. As far as favorite expressions go, Bates telling Jimmy, "don't be a big girl's blouse about it," was a very close second.
Edith Throwing Shade: Edith's stock is certainly on the rise. Not only did Mary and Violet both ask her for mysterious favors when she went into London, but she also finally expressed to her dreamy new editor that she's sort of sick of her sister Mary. When he said her sister looked radiant in her wedding announcement but that Edith also looked good she replies, "It's a relief that I'm not an object of pity to the entire world." Oh, Edith, laugh at yourself before everyone else does. But she has no reason to be sour. She was wonderful at the jazz club and investigating the man she wants to be her love. She's going to be a modern city girl yet.
Violet's Night with the Tradesmen: When Branson's jerkface brother ate dinner upstairs with the fancy people, Violet told a story about taking a train home from the north of England in a blizzard when it stopped and she and some other highborn folks had to spend an evening dining with some "tradesman." I can just imagine how awesome this was and in my mind she got totally wasted with them and traded barbs and beat them all at cards and hiccuped and drank more shots while they were all passed out in the hay as the fire roared and glared all their faces with the orange glow. If they ever make a prequel movie about Violet, I want this to be the only story in it.
RELATED: 'Downton Abbey' Recap: Everyone Is in Mourning
Violet Has All the Answers: Speaking of Violet, what would everyone in Downton do without her (and what are they going to do in the inevitable near future when she goes up to the great drawing room in the sky?). Violet solved Ethel's problems and got her a new job and close to her son. She figured out how to get Branson back in Downton and her great granddaughter closet to her faimly. She one-upped Isobel, which is always good for a laugh, she got Edith to do her bidding and convinced her to get a job in London, and she did all of this while still having time to change into her cricket whites and entertain everyone on the sidelines with her banter. For a woman who is retired, she sure has plenty to do.
Thomas Standing Up for Himself: When Thomas gets caught in a sticky situation (though probably not as sticky a situation as he was hoping for), everyone just expects him to roll over (but not in the way he was hoping for) and get fired and take it like a man (again, not how he was hoping for). But no, he does not. When Mr. Carson calls him disgusting he says that he is not and that he won't hear anything like that. Thomas may be loathsome, but at least he doesn't loathe himself. I also give Mrs. Hughes, Mr. Bates, and Lord Grantham credit for sticking up for him. No one wants to say that a homosexual is acceptable, but they all said, in their little way, that as long as what he is doesn't have any negative effects on them, he can go on being it quietly. In those days, "don't ask, don't tell" was quite a victory indeed.
Bates New Ensemble: It took the man going to jail and getting a new suit to be the most dapper thing on the planet. Good for him! Speaking of which, while he looked amazing all dolled up, Anna looked great with her hair down — for a change — when they were painting their shabby little cottage. I hope to see her off-duty look more often.
Everything About Rose: We need to talk for a minute about cousin Rose, who is like the Sammy Jo character from Dynasty all over again. (PS – what do we have to do to get Heather Locklear on this show?) Rose is young, pretty, stupid, flirty, deceptive, and a whole heap of trouble. She is my favorite kind of girl. She cooks up a scheme to get out of the country and macking on her married lover in a jazz club in London so quickly that it made Bates' stay in prison seem like it took an entire season. Oh wait, it did. Anyway, that Rose is into Le Jazz Hot and stays out all night and I just have to love her and hope that she's going to be back at Downton ruffling feather and messing things up in the seasons to come.
Aunt Rosamond: She's no cousin Rose, but a little dose of Aunt Rosamond is always welcome. Who doesn't love the family gossip who is always down for a bit of intrigue?
Lord Grantham Is Like John Boenher: The master of the house (try to read that without getting the Les Mis song stuck in your head) has been an absolute devil this year. He's just a reactionary jerk who wants everything to go back to the way it used to be even though the way things used to be is classist, wrong, awful, and is keeping everyone from being happy. That's not really something to love, but what I love is that he feels all these things and tries to weild his considerable power, but no one listens to him and he gets nothing done. Who does that sound like? Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner. They're basically the same person, except Boehner has a fake tan and cries more. And Lord Grantham dresses more modernly.
Bye Bye Ethel: Thank god she is gone for good. Can we focus on something else for a change?
Thomas Screwed Everyone Over: Thomas sure had a rough time of it last night. O'Brien turned on him, he almost lost his job, then Jimmy went after him and he almost couldn't get a reference, and he would have been traveling to India to lug tea with a cousin of his. But Bates, Mrs. Hughes, and Lord Gratham all stepped up for him (mostly because he's good at cricket) and not only did he end up with a job, but with a better job. That means O'Brien will have to suffer his revenge, Carson will have to train him, the other male staff members will have to defer to him and Alfred (who tried to get him arrested) lost his gig as first footman to keep Jimmy happy now that Thomas is staying. It seemed like he was going to be the one ousted but he ended up screwing everyone in the end (not in the way he hoped).
Everyone in Purple at the Christening: Finally mourning is over and we are out of black and into matching Easter pastels. I couldn't be happier, but I didn't know the Catholic church allowed outfits so festive.
Violets Quip of the Week: "You can not want your only granddaughter to grow up over a ga-rage with that drunken gorilla."
HATE
Bates Prison Story: This is my last time to bitch about how awful this story is, so I'm going to take it. It was dumb. And we still don't even know what happened, exactly. He went to prison, people didn't like him, so they kept him from the outside world. Then he hid some weird paper thing from the guards and then everyone liked him again and the next thing you know he's free. It didn't make any sense. And what was that stupid paper thing anyway? And it's not like anything changed after his stint in prison. He's still the same old Bates. He says that prison changed him but he's back skulking around doorways and eavesdropping on conversations just as sure as the first day he was on the job. Why the hell did this have to take so long? Sybil can get sick and die in one episode but we have to wait an entire season for a nonsense prison plot to unravel? This was the worst.
RELATED: 'Downton Abbey' Recap: Shocking Death Shocks Everyone with Deadly Shocks and Death
Stupid Ivy: I thought there wasn't a kitchen maid dumber than Daisy and then I met Ivy. Sure Jimmy is cute and all, but why would she choose him over the delightful ginger giant Aflred is beyond me, especially when Jimmy clearly isn't into her. The only time he flirts with her is when he's overcompensating for everyone thinkin he's gay. Alfred is hot, he wants you, and he will be good for you. Why are you ignoring him, Ivy? I hope that next season there is a whole plot where Daisy hates him and decides to poison Ivy.
Thomas is a Rapist: I know that O'Brien pushed him to it and he really wanted to think that Jimmy loved him, but even if he thought he was going to be into some man on man action, why did he have to go and rape Jimmy in his sleep like that? I would love to make out with Thomas and I probably would have had the same reaction if I woke up with another man in my grill like that. What ever happened to lighting some candles or moonlight strolls or something romantic like that?
RELATED: 'Downton Abbey' Recap: Nobody Loves Edith
Cora and Robert Make Up: Again, we had to endure an entire season of Bates in prison and Cora and Robert make up over night without even a mention of it. Cora blamed her husband for killing their daughter and one little intervention from the doctor and everything is hunky dory like a David Bowie album. Oh please.
Bad Shirtlessness: We have waited all season to see Jimmy shirtless and they blow it with him bathing and running across the room holding his shirt in front of his torso. When we finally get Branson out of his bulging undershirt they better not bungle this in the same way.
Cricket: God, this whole stupid match seemed so arbitrary and tacked on. It was fun when they did things like this season one — where each episode was a bit more self contained, so some drama about the flower show was charming — but in what was the last episode of the season in Britain to interject this cooked up cricket match just seemed superfluous. And we don't even find out who wins! The only thing we know is that Mosely loses, and that is a pretty good reason to have anything, but couldn't they have done better than cricket? God.
Edith's Lover Has a Crazy Wife: What the hell is this? Jane Eyre?
Matthew and Mary Go Behind Each Other's Backs: I know that everyone is supposed to love this couple and think that they're all great and they're going to have a baby and blah blah blah, but isn't their relationship kind of messed up? I mean, Mary always hectors Matthew into doing whatever she wants him to do and then, when there's something she wants to do she goes behind his back and goes to the doctor under a fake name so he won't know. She even has surgery on her lady parts and can't even tell him about it. This is her husband! She's supposed to share everything with him but something as important as them being able to have children and she can't even bring it up? She doesn't have to get into the gynecological details (no one wants that) but still. And he's no better, taking off to London in secret while she has to deal with her father getting all upset that her husband wants to change the entire estate around. I give her credit for standing by him while he and Branson modernize the joint, but if these two want to last, they need to think about how their relationship works.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
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Every Lifetime Christmas movie is the same. There's usually a woman trying to make the perfect Christmas or fall in love right before the holidays or find someone in her life who she never thought she'd fall in love with but does. Santa appears, people kiss under mistletoe, there are hijinks and plucky music. There are faded stars and commercial breaks and everything ends with a log burning in the fire and snow falling on a happy home.
But just because every movie is the same doesn't mean we don't want to watch every campy predictable moment. This year the network has 10 (yes 10) new holiday-themed movies that it is trotting out before December 25. One of them you can already watch online for free! Here are all 10 movies and everything you need to know about them. Let your DVR get into the holiday.
Finding Mrs. Claus
Watch It: Sunday, December 2, at 9 PM
Description: Mrs. Claus has lost that loving feeling so she goes to Las Vegas to help a little girl get her Christmas wish. Of course Santa follows her and hijinks ensue.
Nostalgic Stars: Mad TV star Will Sasso and Oscar winner Mira Sorvino. Yes. Oscar.
Likelihood You'll Cry: About as likely as a coffee commercial.
Will Santa Appear?: Duh.
Will True Love Be Found?: Yes.
Will There Be Mistletoe Jokes?: I'd bet Vixen on it.
Jesus Quotient: 0
Holly's Holiday
Watch It: Saturday, December 8, at 8 PM
Description: A woman falls in love with the mannequin in a store window and when she gets knocked out he comes to life and saves her.
Nostalgic Stars: Kim Cattrall. No wait, she's not in this. She was in Mannequin. This is the same movie with a gender swap.
Likelihood You'll Cry: Zero.
Will Santa Appear?: Nope.
Will True Love Be Found?: Yes, but not with the mannequin, with like her coworker she thought was mean or something.
Will There Be Mistletoe Jokes?: No, put plenty of Holly puns.
Jesus Quotient: 0
All About Christmas Eve
Watch It: Sunday, December 9, at 9 PM
Description: Eve is a party planner and she has to choose between throwing a huge party on Christmas Eve or going on a romantical trip with her boyfriend. We see what happens if she chooses each option.
Nostalgic Stars: Gwyneth Paltrow. No wait, she's not in this. She was in Sliding Doors. This is the same movie but has Haylie Duff and Connie Sellecca.
Likelihood You'll Cry: About the same as watching a Gwyneth Paltrow movie.
Will Santa Appear?: As slim as Haylie Duff.
Will True Love Be Found?: Yes, in both realities.
Will There Be Mistletoe Jokes?: No.
Jesus Quotient: 0
The Real St. Nick
Watch It: Saturday, December 15, at 8 PM
Description: A man is admitted to the hospital claiming he's Father Christmas. A nurse thinks he's crazy, until they fall in love and she learns to love Christmas too.
Nostalgic Stars: None.
Likelihood You'll Cry: About the same as at an 8th Grade graduation.
Will Santa Appear?: Certain.
Will True Love Be Found?: Equally certain.
Will There Be Mistletoe Jokes?: Is Santa's belly full of jelly?
Jesus Quotient: 0
Merry In-Laws:
Watch It: Sunday, December 16, at 9 PM
Description: Alex is getting married and going to her fiance's house for Christmas...at the North Pole. Yup, she's the future Mrs. Claus Jr.
Nostalgic Stars: Shelley Long and George Wendt. Cheers reunion!
Likelihood You'll Cry: Only for missing Cheers.
Will Santa Appear?: Will he ever.
Will True Love Be Found?: Yes, and then lost. And then found again.
Will There Be Mistletoe Jokes?: Does Shelley Long need more work?
Jesus Quotient: 0
Holiday High School Reunion
Watch It: Saturday, December 8, at 2 PM
Description: A young lady returns home a week before Christmas to try to win back her high school sweetheart.
Nostalgic Stars: Harry Hamlin, Marilu Henner
Likelihood You'll Cry: Were you bullied in high school? Then good.
Will Santa Appear?: Only in a light up lawn ornament in the front yard.
Will True Love Be Found?: Have you seen Sweet Home Alabama?
Will There Be Mistletoe Jokes?: How sophomoric. (Get it?!)
Jesus Quotient: 0
Holiday Spin
Watch It: Friday, December 21, at 8 PM
Description: 17-year-old Blake's mother dies on Thanksgiving and he is forced to go live with his long-lost father in Miami. Dad owns a dance studio that will close if Blake and a female student don't win the annual Holiday Spin dance contest.
Nostalgic Stars: Ralph Macchio
Likelihood You'll Cry: Depends on how you feel about the cha-cha.
Will Santa Appear?: As a judge of the dance contest.
Will True Love Be Found?: Yes.
Will There Be Mistletoe Jokes?: Probably not, but there will be twinkle toe jokes.
Jesus Quotient: 0
Christmas Consultant
Watch It: Right now!
Description: Maya has to throw an amazing Christmas party to impress her family and land a million dollar account at work, but she doesn't have any time. She hires a Christmas Consultant to do it everything! What, she doesn't know a gay?
Nostalgic Stars: David Hasselhoff
Likelihood You'll Cry: Watch the Hoff's cheeseburger video. You'll cry.
Will Santa Appear?: The consultant is Santa. Duh!
Will True Love Be Found?: She already is married, but she'll love her husband again.
Will There Be Mistletoe Jokes?: Is Kitt a talking car?
Jesus Quotient: 0
The March Sisters At Christmas
Watch It: Friday, November 30, at 8 PM
Description: It's a retelling of Little Women where the four sisters have to save their parents house before Christmas.
Nostalgic Stars: None.
Likelihood You'll Cry: Let us all weep for the lack of Winona Rider in our lives.
Will Santa Appear?: On a sweater.
Will True Love Be Found?: Four times over.
Will There Be Mistletoe Jokes?: Is Jo a lesbian?
Jesus Quotient: 0
Love at the Christmas Table
Watch It: Saturday, December 1, at 10 PM
Description: A man and a woman have been spending every Christmas at the kid's table for their entire lives. One year he decides they are destined to be together. Aww. Also, weird.
Nostalgic Stars: Danica McKeller (Winnie Cooper!), Lea Thompson
Likelihood You'll Cry: Only from creepiness.
Will Santa Appear?: The guy will have to dress as Santa to please the kids.
Will True Love Be Found?: Yes. True, creepy love.
Will There Be Mistletoe Jokes?: Yes.
Jesus Quotient: 0
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: Lifetime]
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Over the next few months, we’ll see new series soar, old series sour, and so much Jersey Shore madness, we’ll want to shower. Let’s face it: The Fall TV season is intimidating. With dozens of new and returning shows hitting our small screens, we know we have some big choices to make. So, to help you determine what to watch, we’re digging deep into the most notable series premiering this season. Where did each show leave off? Where is it headed? And who should you watch it with? Next up is ABC's big new fish out of water comedy The Neighbors. Except there are no fish, or water. But there are aliens!
New Series: The Neighbors
Premiere Date: Wednesday, Sept. 26, at 9:30 PM
Tag Line: After 10 years of living in isolation in a suburban condo development next to a golf course, a group of aliens is finally invaded by one human family. They both think the other is strange, and they learn very valuable lessons about accepting people and becoming better people (or aliens). Awwwww.
Meet the Weavers: Lenny Venito is Marty, a fat bumbler in the Ralph Kramden sitcom mold. Jami Gertz is Debbie, the take charge mom. Clara Mamet is Amber, the angry teenager and Max Charles and Isabella Cramp are Max and Abby, the interchangeable cute little kids.
The Aliens: They are all named after sports stars, including the leader Larry Bird (Simon Templeman), his wife Jackie Joyner-Kersey (Toks Olagundoye), and their sons Reggie Jackson (Tim Jo) and Dick Butkus (Ian Patrick). Dick Butt Kiss. Giggle. Snort. When they cry, green goo comes out their ears, and they have a communication device called a Pupar, but it is out of batteries so they can't call their home planet, Zabvron. When they change into their alien form, they sort of look like green fish that swallowed a basketball. They don't eat, they nourish themselves by reading. And they all dress alike, have English accents, and are emotionally distant. Basically, it's like liking in the U.K., but without "footie" stars.
People to Watch This With: Alf, Mork, Marvin, and French Stewart. What ever happened to that guy?
Puns Not Used in the Pilot: "Out of this world." "Take me to your leader." Anything about probes. X-Files jokes. Global domination. Ray guns.
Awesome Movies Jami Gertz Was In: Sixteen Candles, Solarbabies, Less Than Zero, The Lost Boys, Twister.
If You Like This, You'll Love: The Burbs, My Stepmother Is an Alien, Mars Needs Moms, Out of This World.
Required Showdown: There must be a race between the aliens' two favorite modes of transportation: a flying saucer and a golf cart.
Punny Athlete Names They Need to Use: Jumbo Cummings, Gregor Fucka, Saatanan Saatana, Kim Yoo Suk, Eddie Stanky, Dick Felt, Dick Shiner, Dick Mast, Dick Pole, Dick Trickle, Johnny Dickshot, Pete LaCock, Misty Hyman, Destinee Hooker, DeWanna Bonner, Ron Tugnutt, Rusty Kuntz, Capt. Jack Glasscock. (I found all of these names here.)
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: ABC]
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When you're in high school it feels like the whole world is against you. In writer/director Stephen Chbosky's high school-set The Perks of Being a Wallflower the whole world may actually be against Charlie (Logan Lerman) whose freshman year of high school should be listed in the dictionary under "Murphy's Law." Plagued by memories of two significant deaths as well as general social anxiety Charlie takes a passive approach to ninth grade. A few days of general bullying later he falls into a friendship with two misfit seniors Patrick (Ezra Miller) and Sam (Emma Watson) who teach him how to live life without fear. Perks starts off with a disadvantage: introverts aren't terribly engaging but Chbosky surrounds Charlie with a vivid cast of characters who help him blossom and inject the coming-of-age tale with a necessary energy.
Set in a timeless version of the '90s Charlie's world is full of handwritten journals mixtapes and a just-tolerable amount of tweed. He writes letters to a nameless recipient as a way of venting a preventative measure to keep the teen from repeating a vague incident that previously left him hospitalized. The drab background of Pittsburgh fits perfectly with Charlie's blank existence. And when he finally comes to life as part of Patrick and Sam's off-beat clique so does the city. Like the archaic vinyl records Sam lusters over (The Smiths of course!) Chbosky visualizes Charlie's journey through the underbelly of suburban Pennsylvania with a raw emotion blooming lights and film grit at every turn. Michael Brook's score and an adeptly curated soundtrack accompanies the episodic affair which centers on Charlie's search for a song he hears during the most important moment of his life.
The charm that keeps The Perks of Being a Wallflower from collapsing under its own super seriousness come from Chbosky's perfectly cast ensemble. Lerman has a thankless job playing Charlie; often constrained to a half-smile and shy shrug Lerman is never allowed to grapple with Charlie's greatest fears and problems until (too) late in the film. Watson nails the spunky object-of-everyone's-affection but she's outshined by Mae Whitman as Mary Elizabeth another rebellious friend in the pack who takes a liking to Charlie. The real star turn is Miller riding high from We Need to Talk About Kevin and taking a complete 180 with Patrick a rambunctious wiseass who struggles to have an openly gay relationship with the football captain but covers his pain with humor. A scene of confrontation — at where else the cafeteria — is one of the best scenes of the year.
Chbosky adapted Perks of Being a Wallflower from his own book and the movie feels stifled by a looming structure. But it nails the emotional beats — there is no obvious path to surviving high school. It's messy shocking and occasionally beautiful. That about sums up Perks.

You take the sick, you take the poor
You take them both and they're here for
The game of Survivor, the game of Survivor
There's a time Jeff Probst has to go and host
And tell the tribes to jump off a boat on
The game of Survivor, the game of Survivor
When the idols never seem
To be hidden right under your door
Suddenly you're finding out
The game of Survivor is actually hard (Ha-ha-ha-hard)
You have have to Outwit, Outlast, OutplayWhen you're playing the game of Survivor
Playing the game of Survivor
Playing the game of Survivo-oooooooooor!
As you might be able to tell from my awful rerendering of the Facts of Life theme song, there is only one thing I care about on the new season of Survivor, and that is Blair. Well, mere mortals and young children under the age of 30 call her Lisa Whelchel, because that is her real name. And as far as they know, she's a gay-hating Jesus freak. But the rest of us know that she played Blair in about 10 quadrillion special episodes of the most unrealistic show to star George Clooney that has nothing to do with robbing casinos.
Blair is probably the second most famous person to play the game after that guy from the Cowboys who played a couple of years ago. Jimmy something. Whatever, I don't know about sports people. Speaking of which, there's some baseball player, Jeff Kent, who is playing too. Whatever, good for him. I have no clue who he is, because he has not been on a television program beloved by millions and saved by Cloris Leachman. But, damn, this season is just lousy with famous people.
It's not just those two that are familiar faces. This season also brings back three survivors who had to be medically evacuated from the show, a twist that seemed built to bring back gay Republican villain Colton from last season but here is the first episode and there is not one, "Heeeeeeyyyyyyy," to be heard, so I don't know what's up with that. Instead we get Mike Skupin, who fell in the fire during season two; Russell Swan, who suffered from severe dehydration 2009; and Jonathan Penner, who has played twice already, but got evacuated the second time during Hero. I think this is a good twist, because those people who got medi-vaced out will always wonder what happened if they could have finished the game. But not Penner. Oh no, sorry. We know what happens when Penner plays the game uninjured, he gets voted out. That is what happens in his first season. Why does he get another chance? I know why, because Jeff Probst loves him and thinks he's good TV. More and more this game is just about the whims of Probst, like this one and future talk show host is the king and all these people are just jester's for his amusement. Sorry, Jeffy P, but not everyone agrees with you.
Alright, so everyone is on a boat and each injured survivor gets a tribe. I'm not even going to bother remember the tribe names because they are always hard to spell and pronounce and we just call them based on whatever color their buff is anyway, so I'm not even going to engage in the colonial imperialism of giving a bunch of rich mostly-white Americans the names of the indigenous people. Instead, I will call Russell's team, Team Ponytail, because everyone on that team, even the men and women with short hair, seem to have ponytails for some reason. I will call Penner's team, Team Lesbian because I can not differentiate between Dana and Carter, who look like members of some sort of Sapphic boy band and both have the frosted tips for it. The team with Blair on it is Team Blair because, obviously. And if you didn't know, that is the team we are rooting for.
So, everyone is on a boat and Probst is like, "OK, you have 30 seconds to grab as much food and as many supplies as you can and then you have to row this raft to shore." Everyone scrambles around, but then they put their crap on the raft and everything just falls into the ocean. Apples and oranges sink. Firewood bobs soggily in the waves. Chickens drown. Probst just stood there on the deck laughing at their misfortune. They were never meant to have any of this, this was just to make them jump around. Oh, his little jesters all. Dance, little jesters, dance.
Everyone paddles to shore and as soon as Team Ponytail drags their raft onto the shore, Russell says, "Just to get this out there, I don't want to be the leader. That's what happened to me last time, and I know you guys are thinking about making me the leader, but I don't want it." Everyone sort of rolls their eyes and is like, "Um, did you see that chicken drown?" Then Malcolm, a tall slab of beef took off his shirt and every admirer of the male form just stopped in their tracks and had to stare slack-jawed for a minute. Oh, that Malcolm and his his perfectly chiseled form, handsome face, and ponytail. Malcolm, I would like you to be my leader. I would let you lead me anywhere (particularly under a bush somewhere for some alone time).
As for leaders, Team Ponytail doesn't have one, but Russell sure is bossing everyone around. TP also has another hard working member: Zane. He told us at the top of the show that he has a Frankenstein tattoo and like Frankenstein, he will either give a little girl a flower or strangle you. Well, that was interesting. Everyone loves Zane and he makes an alliance with everyone on the beach and then goes up to Russell (who is not a leader) and Malcolm (who I want to be my leader) and says, "I made alliances with everyone here. But I really want to make an alliance with you." Zane is the typical player who plays too hard right out of the gate.
Speaking of which, so is Penner, who is already looking for a hidden immunity idol over at Camp Lesbian. Everyone else doesn't like him and wants to vote him out as soon as possible (including Baseball Dude, who injured himself trying to save a drowning chicken) but he doesn't care because he's gonna get an idol. He even figured out that the clue was in the bag of rice. Now he just has to find the damn thing.
Over at Team Blair, Blair is in the ocean wearing her entire outfit including her jeans. There is nothing more uncomfortable than wading in the water in soaking denim. It is less comfortable than a colonoscopy. It is less comfortable than getting punched in the face while nursing a sore tooth. It is less comfortable than the conversation Blair will one day have to have with her son when he comes out as gay. Actually, that might be more uncomfortable. Maybe. Blair isn't fitting into the tribe so well. Meanwhile her tribemates Abi (who, I believe is the actual girl from Ipanema), RC (who is named after a cola), and Pete (who is the second runner up to be my leader if and only if my current leader Malcolm can not meet his leadership duties for any reason whatsoever) are already getting an alliance together. They ask Skupin to join, because having good old Fire Hands on your alliance is a good luck charm.
Skupin tells us that this year he's "Going with the game." It's something he learned at a corporate off-site retreat right after doing trust falls. "Go with the game." He tells us once again. If they want to play slow, play slow. If they want to play fast, play fast. Wait, did he learn this at a Successories™ conference or from a How to Please Your Partner in 10 Easy Steps article from Cosmo? Whatever, that is his new philosophy: "Go with the game."
We got all your standard camp life shots about building fire, putting together a shelter, and Russell telling everyone that he's not the leader, but they should do what he says. The weird thing is that Skupin is the only one on his tribe culturally literate enough to know who Blair is and he confronts her about it. She says, "I don't want to tell people because everyone always liked Jo better and I can't deal with another blow to my self esteem. Also, my jeans are really itchy and stuck to my legs." Skupin keeps her secret. Over at Team Lesbian, someone named Dawson (who is a girl) figured out who Baseball Guy is. She's not telling anyone either. If I were Dawson, I would sell him up the creek. Get him to stand out and take the heat off you. That's how you survive week one.
They go to the challenge and each team has to split into pairs. One pair will run to get some oars. The second pair will paddle out to a giant box and then bring it back to shore, and the final pair will solve the puzzle based on the pieces in the box. Everyone breaks into pairs easily except Team Ponytail. "Now, I'm not the leader, but I suck at puzzles and rowing, so I'm going to run. With, Um. Zane. You two girls solve the puzzle." "But Russell, we suck at puzzles and we both ran track in high school." "Well, who cares. You're on puzzle duty. I'm not the leader, but you have to do this. Malcolm, you row with this lady whose name I mean to learn in the next week or so. OK. Go Team. Break!"
Yes, this means that Russell's team is going to lose and he's probably going home. Challenge, challenge, challenge, boring, boring, boring, and Team Lesbian wins by a frosted tip, after decimating Team Blair's huge lead. They come in second. They both get prizes. Jeff Probst says, "So, little jesters, what went wrong?" Russell responds, "Well, I'm not the leader, but I made the wrong decision and now we have to pay the price."
Back at camp, Russell says, "OK, everyone, put down your things and gather round. I know I'm not your leader but I have to say what happened out there today..." "Hold on one minute," Zane pipes up. "I sucked out there and I just quit smoking. You should send me home." "Well, that settles that," Russell says.
But, no, that does not settle that. Zane does not want to go home. He just wants everyone to convince him to stay and then vote out Russell and then that means that they all want him there really bad and then he will be running the game from here on out. That's what he said. Basically it's like that girl who is always like, "God, I'm so fat!" so you have to say, "No, you're not fat," to validate her when all it does is annoy you that she is trying to make you tell her she's not fat when she knows all along she's not fat. Also, this is playing too hard. The object of week one is to not be too much of a jerk or too old or too bad at challenges or not Blair and just stay in the game. Everyone would have totally voted Russell out if he kept his mouth shut.
According to his plan some blonde chirpy bird comes up to him and is like, "I like you. Stay. We'll kick out Russell." And he says, "I don't know man." On the inside he's grinning thinking his plan is working. Then Malcolm (swoon) comes up to him and says, "Look at my pecs. Aren't they perfect? Aren't they just lightly dusted with fur? Don't you want to touch them? I bet you do. Oh, and you should stay. Let's kick out Russell." And Zane says, "I don't know, I think he might have an idol." Malcolm says, "Uh oh. The beach is thattaway," and he flexes his bicep and points toward the water for no particularly good reason.
They get to tribal council and Russell says, "Well, Jeff, I'm not a leader. I'm more of a chief. Actually, I'm kind of like a dictator. I don't want to be a dictator or a chief, and I'm definitely not the leader, but...hold on, I'm speaking right now...I just keep controlling things, not because I'm a leader, but because I am an autocrat at this breakfast table and, yeah, that's it. You can talk now."
Jeff goes to count the votes and we think Russell is going to get the axe and that Zane actually pulled his stupid plan off, but, no. He did not. This was perhaps the worst, most complicated plan in Survivor history that happened week one and did not involve a hidden immunity idol. Let's break it down. Zane thought he could say he wanted to go home, then have everyone convince him to stay, then get them to vote out Russell, tell them Russell had an idol, and still convince them to keep him. Where does that make any sense? The Negative Zone? Bizarro World? Big Brother? Nowhere!
Back on the beach, Blair was waddling around in her jeans, which were starting to dry but were caked with sand. It was just everywhere, chafing around her knees and the folds where her leg meets her hip, under the waistband. Oh, this game was hard. It was harder than a sitcom, harder than defending her beliefs, harder than writing children's books. She did the one thing she could think of and knelt down to pray. "Jesus," she said. "Please help me to win this game. I can only do it through your grace. Please, dip your hand in and help me." She waited a minute in the dark night, darker than anything she had seen before but still with a faint glow, like after getting your picture taken and the flash just lingers, keeping the real world at bay. "Blair!" she heard coming out of the clouds. "Is that you, Jesus?" she asked. "Yes, it is Blair. And you don't need my grace to win. You need to make these damn people like you. Get in this game and make some friends. Otherwise they're just going to kick you out as soon as they can. Oh, and take your damn jeans off. That is just getting disgusting."
"I will," she said. "Thank you, Jesus." Yes, we all said. Thank you, Jesus.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: AP Photo]
More:
Three Injured Cast Members Get a Second Shot at 'Survivor'
'Survivor' Season 25: Meet the Castaways (Including Blair From 'Facts of Life'!)
'Survivor' Winner Kim Spradlin: ‘People Were Afraid’ of Colton Cumbie

In a post-Harry Potter Avatar and Lord of the Rings world the descriptors "sci-fi" and "fantasy" conjure up particular imagery and ideas. The Hunger Games abolishes those expectations rooting its alternate universe in a familiar reality filled with human characters tangible environments and terrifying consequences. Computer graphics are a rarity in writer/director Gary Ross' slow-burn thriller wisely setting aside effects and big action to focus on star Jennifer Lawrence's character's emotional struggle as she embarks on the unthinkable: a 24-person death match on display for the entire nation's viewing pleasure. The final product is a gut-wrenching mature young adult fiction adaptation diffused by occasional meandering but with enough unexpected choices to keep audiences on their toes.
Panem a reconfigured post-apocalyptic America is sectioned off into 12 unique districts and ruled under an iron thumb by the oppressive leaders of The Capitol. To keep the districts producing their specific resources and prevent them from rebelling The Capitol created The Hunger Games an annual competition pitting two 18-or-under "tributes" from each district in a battle to the death. During the ritual tribute "Reaping " teenage Katniss (Lawrence) watches as her 12-year-old sister Primrose is chosen for battle—and quickly jumps to her aid becoming the first District 12 citizen to volunteer for the games. Joined by Peeta (Josh Hutcherson) a meek baker's son and the second tribute Effie the resident designer and Haymitch a former Hunger Games winner-turned-alcoholic-turned-mentor Katniss rides off to The Capitol to train and compete in the 74th Annual Hunger Games.
The greatest triumph of The Hunger Games is Ross' rich realization of the book's many worlds: District 12 is painted as a reminiscent Southern mining town haunting and vibrant; The Capitol is a utopian metropolis obsessed with design and flair; and The Hunger Games battleground is a sprawling forest peppered with Truman Show-esque additions that remind you it's all being controlled by overseers. The small-scale production value adds to the character-first approach and even when the story segues to larger arenas like a tickertape parade in The Capitol's grand Avenue of Tributes hall it's all about Katniss.
For fans the script hits every beat a nearly note-for-note interpretation of author Suzanne Collins' original novel—but those unfamiliar shouldn't worry about missing anything. Ross knows his way around a sharp screenplay (he's the writer of Big Pleasantville and Seabiscuit) and he's comfortable dropping us right into the action. His characters are equally as colorful as Panem Harrelson sticking out as the former tribute enlivened by the chance to coach winners. He's funny he's discreet he's shaded—a quality all the cast members share. As a director Ross employs a distinct often-grating perspective. His shaky cam style emphasizes the reality of the story but in fight scenarios—and even simple establishing shots of District 12's goings-on—the details are lost in motion blur.
But the dread of the scenario is enough to make Hunger Games an engrossing blockbuster. The lead-up to the actual competition is an uncomfortable and biting satire of reality television sports and everything that commands an audience in modern society. Katniss' brooding friend Gale tells her before she departs "What if nobody watched?" speculating that carnage might end if people could turn away. Unfortunately they can't—forcing Katniss and Peeta to become "stars" of the Hunger Games. The duo are pushed to gussy themselves up put on a show and play up their romance for better ratings. Lawrence channels her reserved Academy Award-nominated Winter's Bone character to inhabit Katniss' frustration with the system. She's great at hunting but she doesn't want to kill. She's compassionate and considerate but has no interest in bowing down to the system. She's a leader but she knows full well she's playing The Capitol's game. Even with 23 other contestants vying for the top spot—like American Idol with machetes complete with Ryan Seacrest stand-in Caesar Flickerman (the dazzling Stanley Tucci)—Katniss' greatest hurdle is internal. A brave move for a movie aimed at a young audience.
By the time the actual Games roll around (the movie clocks in at two and a half hours) there's a need to amp up the pace that never comes and The Hunger Games loses footing. Katniss' goal is to avoid the action hiding in trees and caves waiting patiently for the other tributes to off themselves—but the tactic isn't all that thrilling for those watching. Luckily Lawrence Hutcherson and the ensemble of young actors still deliver when they cross paths and particular beats pack all the punch an all-out deathwatch should. PG-13 be damned the film doesn't skimp on the bloodshed even when it comes to killing off children. The Hunger Games bites off a lot for the first film of a franchise and does so bravely and boldly. It may not make it to the end alive but it doesn't go down without a fight.
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Green Zone is a story we’ve already heard shot in a manner we’ve already seen and starring Matt Damon in a role he’s already played. Remember those WMDs that were never found in Iraq and later exposed to be the invention of a dubious and poorly-vetted informant? Remember the misguided and hideously botched attempt at establishing democracy after the fall of Saddam and the violent prolonged insurgency that ensued? If you’ve been away from the television for the past hour and somehow managed to forget any of these details Green Zone is here to remind you.
Damon plays Chief Warrant Officer Roy Miller an Army weapons inspector whose frustration over repeatedly coming up empty in his search for Iraqi WMDs leads him on a quest to track down and expose the people responsible for leading him (and us) down that infamously bogus path. Though his hand-to-hand skills are a notch below Jason Bourne’s Miller’s single-mindedness moral certainty and permanent expression of square-jawed defiance — always threatening another “How do you like them apples?” rebuke — in the face of an insidious multi-level government conspiracy are essentially equivalent to those of Damon’s Bourne trilogy soulmate.
And like Bourne his most dangerous adversary isn’t found on the battlefront but rather within the government he once served so proudly. As Miller delves ever deeper into the Case of the Faulty WMD Intelligence Clark Poundstone (Greg Kinnear) the duplicitous arrogant Defense Department bureaucrat in charge of U.S. operations in Iraq summarily relieves him of his post. (Hint: the better dressed a Green Zone character is the more sinister his ambitions.) But Miller remains undeterred and he goes rogue to locate the CIA informant “Magellan ” a formerly high-ranking Iraqi official whose supposed confirmation of Saddam’s nuclear ambitions served as the basis for U.S. invasion.
We know how the story ends. Green Zone’s pervasive overarching sense of deja vu is accentuated by director — and veteran Bourne helmer — Paul Greengrass who employs the trademark hand-held super-shakycam style which was so fresh and inventive in 2004 but now feels stale and predictable. (Admittedly my aversion to Greengrass’ approach was no doubt heightened by a previous night’s viewing of Roman Polanski’s excellent The Ghost Writer a political thriller as subtle and precise and finely tuned as Green Zone is ham-fisted and haphazard — and which also uses the phantom WMD controversy to far greater narrative effect.)
Green Zone culminates in essentially a violent footrace between Miller and the Army Special Forces as they scour a heavily-armed insurgent stronghold to find Magellan with Miller hoping to secure his potentially damning testimony before the Army can silence him for good. The climactic sequence for all I could tell was either shot in Damon’s backyard culled from Bourne trilogy deleted scenes or assembled from scattered YouTube clips. This punishingly chaotic often incoherent and ultimately exhausting approach to storytelling isn’t cinema verite; it’s dementia pugilistica.

The Democrat, the last of the late John F. Kennedy's brothers, died on Tuesday (25Aug09) following a long battle with the disease.
A statement from the Kennedy family reads, "Edward M. Kennedy, the husband, father, grandfather, brother and uncle we loved so deeply, died late Tuesday night at home in Hyannis Port (Massachusetts). We've lost the irreplaceable centre of our family and joyous light in our lives, but the inspiration of his faith, optimism, and perseverance will live on in our hearts forever."
Born in Boston in 1932, Kennedy was the youngest of Joseph P. Kennedy and Rose Kennedy's nine children.
He served two years in the U.S. military from 1951 to 1953 and, after completing degrees at Harvard University and the University of Virginia Law School in the 1950s, he entered politics as part of his brother John's successful campaign for presidency in 1960.
Kennedy himself was elected into the U.S. Senate in 1962 as the representative for his home state of Massachusetts, a position he held until his death, making him the third longest-serving senator of all time and the second most senior member of the Senate after West Virginia's Robert Byrd, 91.
He was best known for his oratory skills and his eulogy for his brother Robert, who was assassinated in 1968, remains one of his most memorable speeches.
He ran for office in 1980 but lost the Democratic Party's nomination to the incumbent Jimmy Carter, who went on to lose the election to Republican Ronald Reagan.
Kennedy, nicknamed The Lion of the Senate due to his long service, championed health and immigration reforms and played a key role in the passing of legislation such as the Immigration and Nationality Act of 1965, the National Cancer Act of 1971 and the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990.
He was also a major voice in the push for national health insurance, a campaign spurred on by the back pain he struggled with for years as a result of a 1964 plane crash that left him seriously injured. He continued to fight for the cause after Barack Obama took office in January 2009, bringing the topic to the fore within months of the Illinois Senator's inauguration.
However, Kennedy's career was not without controversy.
In 1969, Kennedy hit the headlines when he drove his car off a bridge and landed in the water off Chappaquiddick Island, Massachusetts. The accident claimed the life of his passenger, Mary Jo Kopechne, a former campaign worker for his brother Senator Robert F. Kennedy, but the politician failed to report the incident to police.
When the body of Kopechne was found, he pleaded guilty to leaving the scene of an accident after causing injury and Kennedy was given a suspended sentence - a punishment which is widely thought to have cost him any chance of securing the White House.
His first marriage to Virginia Joan Bennett in 1958 produced three children - Kara Anne, Edward Jr., and Patrick - but their relationship was blighted by her alcoholism and his womanising ways, leading to divorce in 1981.
He went on to marry divorced mother-of-two Victoria Anne Reggie in 1992, and she is credited with helping to stabilise Kennedy's wild ways and get his Senate career back on track.
Kennedy's final years in public office saw the Senator take more of a backseat to political affairs after he suffered a seizure in May last year (08). The hospitalisation led to the discovery of a malignant tumour and he underwent numerous chemotherapy and radiotherapy sessions in a bid to prolong his chances of survival.
He returned to his beachfront home in Hyannis Port earlier this year (09) to spend his final months with friends and family.
Among his many political awards and achievements was the Presidential Medal of Freedom, which Kennedy received in August (09).
He was also awarded an honorary knighthood by British monarch Queen Elizabeth II for his services to U.S. and U.K. relations earlier this year.
Kennedy's death comes exactly two weeks after the passing of his sister, Eunice Kennedy Shriver.
Shriver, the founder of the Special Olympics and the mother of California First Lady Maria Shriver, died on 11 August (09) at the age of 88.