I was speaking to my uncle Ben on Saturday and said that Aaron Ramsey was almost certain to be the unanimous choice for footballer of the year. He took the glass of champagne out of my hand and said "you mean Wayne Rooney, don't you?' I told him that he had made a very good point and promptly went home

Who the fuck is Uncle Ben and how much of a shit weasel does Crooks have to be to hand in this to the BBC in exchange for money? Why it reminds me of only the other day when I was telling my Uncle Graham that Ronaldo would win the Ballon d'Or when he took the champagne out of my hand and said "how am I supposed to cum if you keep talking while you do it? Put some effort in"