Would you rather: Join the Penn Quidditch team? Sit through a Billy Joel concert? Or join Cannon Club for the low, low price of $850? Don’t worry, “none of the above” is a viable option. Here are your Tuesday headlines:

Brown: Columnist urges us to embrace the present, by arguing that “there are few Jewish men who know how to truly satisfy, or at least that is what my friends say.” Wait … what? [Daily Herald]

Columbia: GS student, an openly gay Air Force vet, reflects on the end of DADT. [Spec]

Columbia: Spectrum bloggers have way too much free time on their hands. [Spec]

Cornell: “Oh, haha, did I say I was robbed at knife-point? What I actually meant was the opposite of that. Sorry for the misunderstanding. No big deal, right? Right, officers?” [Daily Sun]

Cornell: Drowning victim’s parents to Cornell: “For the life of us, we cannot fathom how you have been able to accept drowning after drowning and not have taken substantive action to put an end to these tragedies.” [Daily Sun]

Harvard: This year’s iteration of “The Game” will feature less underage drinking, in theory — though probably not in practice. [The Crimson]

Penn: Basketball players play basketball. Merriment is had by all. [The DP]

Yale: America’s second horniest college freaks out about “Sex Week.” Campus leaders explain and address the controversy. (Oh, hi there Alex.) [YDN]

Everywhere we look, somebody is raging against something — whether its Iranian dictators or political correctness, peeing in public or paying bills promptly, and in full. Make the change you want to see in the world, people! (Or, you know, just make a Facebook group about it.)Here are your Thursday headlines:

Cornell: Columnist rails against police efforts to crack down on public urination. Fight the power, bro. [Daily Sun]

Harvard: The Greeks, like kudzu, are gaining ground — inching ever closer to campus — and may soon soak up every last ounce of Harvard’s light-beer reserves. [The Crimson]

Penn: Lebron James is coming to Philly this weekend for an event more hyped than “The Decision.” [The DP]

Yale: “If Yale had a rape culture, there would be students and faculty speaking in favor of rape. Rape would be a common practice; it would be routine to hear someone talking about raping or being raped by someone last weekend. People would discuss what styles or methods of rape they prefer.” [YDN]

(Blog) shots have been fired. Animals are on the loose. Student government candidates are making really questionable music videos. And we’re tired already. It’s almost Thanksgiving, right? Right, guys? Ugh. Here are your Monday night headlines:

Columbia: A horse escaped from its handlers in Morningside Heights yesterday afternoon. It was kind of like the beginning scene from “A Winter’s Tale,” except subbing out magical realism and snowcapped Manhattan scenery for the exact opposite of those things. [Spectrum]

Columbia: Unclear whether or not these Columbia students grasp the concept of lip-dubbing. [Spectrum]

Cornell: Chinese population at university doubles in four years. If someone makes an “Asian invasion” joke, feel free to glare and/or dole out appropriate physical punishment. [Daily Sun]

Harvard: Alumni run against one another in Liberian presidential election. [The Crimson]

Penn: University learns that even if you do build it, they still won’t necessarily come. That valuable lesson only cost $46 million. [DP]

Penn: “At an institution that constantly emphasizes the importance of building relationships with professional firms like Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley…I wonder if students increasingly overlook the value of building relationships with everyday people.” Well, what kind of bonuses do everyday people offer? [DP]

Another summer come and gone, and here we are again, probably still drunk, reading the same Ivy dailies that we were last May. Here’s to another year of higher education, hopefully filled with as much debauchery and nonsense as the last.

Phew. We’ve been on lockdown these past couple of days, prepping for finals and what not. As such, we were burning the midnight oil. You know: A lil’ Angry Birds. Some Sporcle. We watched like six episodes of Twin Peaks last night. Nice, low-key evening.

What do you mean, “Did we read the news?” Of course not. That shit puts us to sleep. What are you rambling about?

Dartmouth: Students marched through the quad Green with megaphones and banners, responding to the new’s of bin Laden’s death with an exuberant display of instantaneous catharsis. Wait, no … sorry. That rally was actually about sexual abuse. My bad.

Unconditional Raves

IvyGate has been featured in the New York Times, Washington Post, Wall Street Journal, Los Angeles Times, Boston Globe, New York Observer, Newsweek, New Yorker, and other publications, as well as NBC, MSNBC, Fox News, Drudge Report, Gawker, The Huffington Post, Wonkette, Jezebel, The Awl, and many more. Most are horrified.