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Make It Stop: The Worst of the Week of 04.26.13

Time once more for Make It Stop, in which we count down the five things this week that must stop.

1. People donating to celebrity Kickstarters. I know Zach Braff got a lot of shit this week when he raised over $1.5 million dollars to fund a follow-up to Garden State, which was one of the most annoying movies I’ve ever seen. (Seriously, it was just an excuse for Braff to show off his iPod playlist.) People evidently felt that it was unseemly of Braff, who is relatively successful as an actor, to ask people to give him money just so he can go off and make more money for himself (and show off his NEW playlist). And it’s true. Braff should find his own damn financing and give that money to starving children or something.

But what about the insane people GIVING him this money? Who the fuck are these people? Is Braff just lying about the total so that a studio will kick in the difference? I can’t believe there are people dumb enough to hand over what little disposable income they have to so he can make fucking Garden State 2. I don’t want to believe that. I don’t even know why people donated money for a Veronica Mars movie. Fuck that show. It wasn’t THAT good. There are plenty of indisputably great TV shows on the air right now. Are they not enough to fill the void for you? LET IT GO. I refuse to believe that people are so dumb that they’ll just hand celebrities venture capital in exchange for a Veronica Mars frisbee and the same fraudulent sense of ownership you get when you "buy" a share in the Green Bay Packers. A year from now, you will see ten thousand resumes out there with people listing themselves as co-producers of that Mars movie. We’re in an economic downturn and our bridges are fucking collapsing. Shit like this is why.

2. "That moment when..." It’s the most annoying Twitter meme of all, designed to house all manner of shitty jokes,quasi-profound observations, and humblebrags. "That moment when you forgot where your Lexus keys are and they’re in your pocket!" "That moment when you see a single leaf dancing in the wind..." That moment when I fucking punch you in the nuts. Just write a fully functional sentence, please. Your pithy commentary isn’t best served in dipshit fragment form. I actually posted a "that moment" tweet last week and someone rightfully shit on me for it. Never again. It’s awful. Stay away.

3. Gwyneth getting to rock the Iron Man suit in the Iron Man 3 ads. I’m all for female superheroes, but this is bullshit. Not only wouldn’t Gwyneth fit in that suit (she’s eight feet taller than Robert Downey Jr.), but now she has yet another thing to brag about. "My kids love hanging out with their Uncle Jay (Z, that is). Oh, and I decided to be Iron Man for a bit! YOGA YOGA YOGA." I would like Hollywood tostop aiding Gwyneth in inflating her own self-worth. She sucks.

4. Picking a baby’s nose for it. It’s awful. It’s far worse than changing a diaper. Your baby has ninety pounds of boogers stuffed up there and you have to extract it. They HATE this. They act like you’re trying to pull their brain out of their nostrils. Relax, kid. You think this is any fun for me?

5. Things exploding. I think we’ve all had enough of this sort of thing. If everything could just please not combust for a week, that would be great. We could use the rest. I just want everyone to be safe and happy. Except for Zach Braff.

Drew Magary is a GQ correspondent and a staff writer for Deadspin. Follow him on Twitter via @drewmagary and pre-order his new book about fatherhood, Someone Could Get Hurt, at his website