John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

I avoided visiting my parents for many years because my father was so abusive to my mother and I could not bear the pain I saw him cause her. She died in 1998. I still feel so very guilty that I did not break through that anger that kept me away and travel to be with her each year. She was so very forgiving that this generous, forgiving heart of hers is the only thing that keeps me from suffering . She forgives me I know. It has been so many years now. Does the grief ever stop?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Jeannie,

Thanks for your note and question.

Cutting right to the chase, “guilt” implies intent to harm.

Your avoidance of visiting because of not wanting to witness the treatment of your mother by your father [and, we’d guess, your mother tolerating it], seems to us to be a self-protective action not one designed to harm her.

Even so, we can imagine that you wish that you’d found a way to bypass their issues so you could have had some time with her over the years – and that you feel bad that you were unable to make that happen.

When we feel we have harmed someone, we apologize to them. If they have died, it does not take away our need to apologize. It is the apology that will set you free, so the burden of grief can diminish and disappear. [However, that does not mean you stop missing someone or having feelings about them if they were important to you.]

We’d suggest that you get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook [available in most libraries and bookstores]. It will help you discover and complete many things within your relationship with your mother, including the issue of not having visited.