writers block

1.I’ve wandered off the plank and I’m drowning deep in what has to be the worst bout of writer’s block imaginable. It’s rough down here. I’m trying to tread water but my head’s been under so long I’m at the point where I’ve turned into a catatonic vegetable without a functioning brain anymore. And not a good one like a cucumber either, more like a lone asparagus stalk that’s sole purpose is to make your pee smell like sulfuric death. (Am I the only that one that’s completely repulsed by asparagus? Yuck.) Anyways, I want to be here. I miss you guys. I feel like I’ve made a lot of friends on here and I’ve been cheating on you with my real life, which… let’s be honest… is far less fun and interesting. I’ve made a schedule for myself and plan to be here daily to post or read your guy’s posts. It will take me forever to catch up, but it starts today. What have you done to get over writer’s block? Or do you just gorge on a sleeve of Oreos dipped in peanut butter until it goes away?

2.I’m hoping none of you guys were affected by Harvey or Irma. My brother and his girlfriend live in Fort Lauderdale, Fl, so we had some unexpected guests here for about a week. It’s always fun having people stay at your house unexpectedly, not knowing when they’ll be able to leave, while simultaneously eating all of the food in your kitchen. Let me tell you, nothing tips the depression scale more than waking up to enjoy your favorite coffee only to find out your guests have killed the last of your sugar-free creamer. The horror! The madness! You can’t mess with people’s coffee. This is America, god damn it! Really, though… I would have let them stay for however long they needed. I hope if any of your had to evacuate, you had a safe place to go. I’m over hurricane season.

3. I have a random question to ask you guys. I asked Alex this a few nights ago and I’ve asked a few other people since then just to see what their answers would be. We are approaching Halloween, so it’s a fitting question.

– If you died today and could choose one person to haunt for the rest of their life, who would it be and why? (It has to be someone you’ve met in real life, I know the majority of you want to haunt Trump. Also, it doesn’t have to be a scary haunting like you’re Pennywise or something, you could just be a ghost that is annoying as hell.)

There was a time I used to crank out posts every other day, but now I’m only managing one a week. Brain? Hello? Are you in there? Your presence is requested on the poop deck. Need all hands on board. We’re wading through some serious shit up here. I’ve been a little preoccupied lately with family trips, drama, and personal issues. (Oh my!) But don’t worry, I’m not planning on boring y’all to tears and telling you about it. If I were you, I wouldn’t give a crap(even though you’re all probably too nice to say that.) So…you’re welcome.

I saw this questionnaire floating around a few weeks ago, and thought it would be fun to fill out. They are questions you don’t see very often, which is a lot nicer than the standard “why do you write?” “what’s your favorite hobby?” cliche ones. I don’t remember who came up with these questions, so if it was you, let me know and I’ll add you to the post! If you decide to answer the same questions, make sure you let me know in the comments so I can come check it out.

What female celebrity do you wish was your sister?
Jennifer Lawrence. Have you ever seen this chick do an interview? She is absolutely hilarious.

What would you name your daughter if you had one?
My favorite girl’s name right now is Elia. (Yes, from Game of Thrones) Alex has already put the kabosh on that name sadly. I’m going to try to push it again when the time comes.

What would you name your son if you had one?
Cade. I heard it on a TV show recently and added it to my list! (I have a list of baby names to one day use. Judge me all you want, jerks.)

What was your favorite TV show when you were a child?
Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers. I actually watch them on YouTube sometimes still. They never get old. Also, Gummi Bears. Anyone remember that one? (Bouncing here and there and everywhere!)

What did you dress up as on Halloween when you were eight?
A cat. Every year. I was such a boring, sheltered kid.

Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series?
Yes, all of the above. Most of these are excusable except Harry Potter! Go read it, or we can’t be friends. Seriously. This isn’t a laughing matter. This shit is important.

Do you know who Kermit the frog is?
Is this serious? Who doesn’t know who Kermit is? I’m guessing you were also robbed of the joys of Kool-Aid and Pogs as a young kid.

Have you ever been to Olive Garden?
I could live off their breadsticks. (I’m not drooling, you’re drooling) If you’ve never had their breadsticks, you’re not living life to its fullest.

What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender?
I was going to be named Blair either way. Woo!

If you have a nickname, what is it?
I have nicknames from everyone. It’s funny, I RARELY hear my actual name unless it’s from my husband’s side of the family. Alex calls me B, my sister and her husband/kids call me Beep, my parents and brother call me PDQ. My friends call me Beech. They all have back stories besides the ‘B,’ because that’s what my name starts with. Obviously.

Would you rather live in a rural area or in the suburbs?
Rural, hands down. I live in the suburbs now and I hate it. People… gross.

Where did you buy your jeans?
The ones I’m wearing? Old Navy. I buy most my jeans there or JCPenney. They seem to have the best deals and I like the way they fit. I’m not exactly the classiest clothes buyer – I just go for comfort. I wear a solid t-shirt and jeans basically every day of my life. I’m boring as hell.

How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn’t real?
In first grade, sadly. So I think six? Some kid said it in the classroom and the teacher confirmed he was right. My mom was so pissed she called the school and complained. Six is too young to lose your belief. It’s a cruel, cruel world we live in.

-Pick one(or more, if you want) and answer below! That we can get to know each other better. Don’t you want to get more close and personal with me? I know you do.

I’ve been having one of those child-like moments where I’m desperately missing my family. Seems strange, considering I just saw them last month and they were driving me crazy, but my mind functions as well as a hamster’s so you really can’t expect much. I’m also suffering from terrible writer’s block, so I thought I’d share one of my all-time favorite posts from two years ago that involves my mother. Here we go…

“You know how parents are ultra embarrassing when you’re growing up? Maybe it’s their undying love of Birkenstocks, or when they try to say trendy things like “that’s cray” and “chillax,” or even how they clip their toenails onto their plate after they finish eating. Well, at the ripe age of 28, I’ve come to the realization that this embarrassment never ends. It just evolves into something different.

(picture taken in Palm Springs, CA this past summer)

Mom: Blair, did you see this sign? Maybe you shouldn’t swim today.

Me: Uh… I’m fine, mom. No diarrhea here.

Mom: But, I saw you rush to the bathroom when I was getting water in the middle of the night. I just assumed it was urgent. Is everything working okay down there? Have you seen a doctor lately? Diarrhea can make you dehydrated. Make sure you drink more water today.

Me: Thanks, mom. I’m good. Just a routine visit in the night.

Mom: Do you remember that time you pooped in the bath tub when you were with your sister? I can think of a couple times you went in the water when you were little. I don’t know what it was… but, you liked to let loose once you hit water. I think it relaxed you. It was so weird.

What’s more humiliating: my mom deciding to loudly discuss my issues in public, or the woman who was frantically pulling her kids out of the water while they were crying, thinking there was actually a possibility I would crap in there? Thanks for the vote of confidence, lady. I’m almost 30.”

I’m still slowly finding my way out of the sludge of my months-long-hiatus on this blog. I’m not sure why it takes me so long to write a post now, but I’ve been plagued with some pretty severe writer’s block. Everything I write makes me cringe like a 14-year-old who has parents that go out of their way to embarrass them as many ways as possible. (You know, like when your mom dropped you off at school in her pajamas and didn’t bother combing her hair or putting a bra on? Damn, those years were rough.) I used to crank out posts every other day, but now I’m only managing one a week. Brain? Hello? Are you in there? Your presence is requested on the poop deck.

I don’t normally respond to blogger awards but I thought it would be fun to answer some questions, then ask you guys some. I like learning about you guys anyways, considering I spend a lot of time reading your blogs. So, answer my questions, okay? Answer them or else!

You are given an unlimited amount of money by Daddy Warbucks. The only stipulation is it must be spent on a dream you’ve had. What is that dream? I’m assuming this means the money must be spent to make the dream come true? That’s what I’m going with, at least. I’m not very good at remembering dreams… but I have a recurring one where my brother is super pregnant. I’d choose that one, hands down. Why? My brother can be douchey sometimes, and it would bring me great pleasure to watch him waddle around in public munching on a turkey leg while everyone gave him dirty looks and shielded their children’s eyes. The horror!

What are you really good at? Embarrassing the people who are ballsy enough to go in public with me. It takes skill. Need some tips? Hit me up.

What have you never learned to do?Anything ‘yard’ related – like rake, mow, or anything else outside. My family was very old school growing up. The girls did the inside work while the guys did outside. I helped pull weeds for the first time last year (at the age of 28, mind you) for all of 5 minutes. Alex laughed at me the whole time because I hate to be dirty. Needless to say – that 5 minutes was long enough. Never again, I say. Never again! I can fold laundry like a champ and make an ass-kicking homemade mac-and-cheese though.

Here are my questions for y’all: (answer some, all, or be lame and sit and the corner and pick your nose and flick it at the wall. Whatever floats your boat.)

Think of the person you dislike the most in this world. If you had the ability to force them to eat a full plate of anything you wanted, what would it be? ( I would choose a nice corn and rabbit turd salad tossed with a deliciously warm cat-piss-vinaigrette.)

What do you have an irrational fear of? Spiders? Heights? People who pick their nose and flick it at the wall?

You’re going out to dinner tonight – what type of restaurant are you going to? Mexican? Chinese? American? Italian?

If you’re a blogger – do you have aspirations of writing a book at some point? (Really curious about how many bloggers have the end goal of becoming a published author or if you’re just doing it for fun.)

Lately I’ve realized the quality of my writing has taken a turn for the worse. Even when I know what I want to say, the words aren’t flowing out at a standard I want them to. My brain feels like its got the worst bout of constipation imaginable. We’re dealing with some really serious blockage here, guys. Adding in some extra fiber won’t do the trick this time around. (Million dollar idea – brain enemas for writers. Someone needs to invent this.) I’m chalking it up to the fact I haven’t been reading much of anything lately and I’m lacking some inspiration. Can you recommend a book to me that you’ve enjoyed or felt inspired by? Have you read a writer that has inspired you so much you’ve been able to get back in touch with your voice?

Things I like in a book:
1. High quality writing. (None of this Twilight crap that could have been written by a 16-year-old, okay? PS- I actually kind of enjoyed those books. I just think reading that right now would make my constipation even worse.)
2. I can’t do books that take awhile to get into it. If it’s too slow I’ll give up on it in the first 50 pages.
3. I like any genre as long as it’s written well, but have an affinity for humor. (I’ve read The Bloggess. I have a feeling a lot of people will recommend her books, so I’m just gonna say that now lol)

HELP please!

(Thanks in advance, guys. I hope I can take y’all out for a beer someday or, at the very least, share a pizza with you. Well, just a small slice. Or a bite. Pizza is important to me. Don’t judge.)