Posted by: jivvy

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.”

Posted by: jivvy

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turnedto the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?""Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized."I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Posted by: thaiga

Posted by: jivvy

man goes to his Doctor as every time he farts it sounds like the word HONDA...Doctor refers him to specialist at local Hospital, after examination the specialist says "You have a small abscess in your rectum and as you break wind the rush of wind passing over the abscess makes it sound like HONDA." The man not satisfied asks for a second opinion. The specialist says "We have a Chinese consultant Professor Chang that you can see, the man agrees. The next day he sees Professor Chang and explains everything about the abscess. The professor tells the man that the diagnosis is correct, as a well known Chinese proverb says "Abscess makes the fart go HONDA."

Posted by: jivvy

Posted by: jivvy

Joe was a lavatory cleaner...............Now Joe was a lavatory cleanerHe cleaned them by day and by nightAnd when he got home in the eveningHe found he was covered in...He worked many years for the councilAbout twenty years and a bitKeeping the floors nice and shinyAnd the lavatory bowls free from...Found dead in the toilet one eveningIn a cubicle dark and unlitWith his trousers rolled down to his anklesAnd his head in a bucket of....Now some say he died of a feverAnd others they say of a fitBut we all know what old Joe died ofHe died of the smell of the....Some say he was buried in a graveyardAnd others they say in a pitBut we know where they buried old JoeThey buried him in ten ton of...Now there's a job going spare on the councilWill keep you young, healthy and fitJust running around with a bog brushAnd cleaning up piles of...Now the council says it pays good wagesAnd the workers their teeth they all gritThey argue and argue for everButtttttt we all know the wages are SHIT.

Posted by: jivvy

Posted by: jivvy

Number :10Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Number : 9Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number : 8Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"Caddy: "Yes . . . . you miss the ball much closer now."

Number : 7Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"Caddy: "Eventually."

Number : 6Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."Caddy: "I don't think so . . . .That would be too much of a coincidence."

Number : 5Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."Caddy: "It's not a watch . it's a compass."

Number : 4Golfer: "How do you like my game?"Caddy: "It's very good . but personally, I prefer golf."

Number : 3Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

Number : 2Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."Caddy: "This isn't the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago."

And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."Caddy: "It's been a long time since we tee'd off, sir."

Bonus . . . . .An old favorite . . . . . about the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole . . . . .He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy. . . . .

Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems . . . .??"Caddy: "There's a piece of shit on the end of your club."Golfer: He picks up his club up and cleans the club face . . . . .Caddy: "No sir, it's at the other end"

Posted by: jivvy

A teacher starts her day with a little test. She gives her class one or two words and asks them to make a sentence or more with the word/s.

Today children I am giving you two words and the words are “Rubber Balls”Can anyone give me a short sentence or more with the two words in it?

Yes Jenny.

Jenny. I love the rubber balls in the ball pit.

That’s very good Jenny.

Yes Peter.

Peter. I love rubber balls as they bounce so high.

That’s very good Peter.

Little Jimmy’s hand shoots up…,,The teacher knows little Jimmy always finds smutty answers to these little testsBut she thinks to herself there can’t be anything smutty to be made from the words “Rubber Balls”

Yes Jimmy.

Jimmy. When my dad brought his new wife back from Thailand I heard them in bed and his new wife asked him to Rubber Balls…….The Teacher fainted.

Posted by: jivvy

A New Zealand man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jamin a cafe when an Aussie tourist, chewing gum, sat next to him. The NewZealander politely ignored the Australian, who, never the less startedup a conversation.The Australian snapped his gum and said, "You Kiwi folk eat the wholebread?" The Kiwi frowned, annoyed with being bothered during hisbreakfast, and replied, "Of course."The Australian blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In Australia, we only eatwhat's inside. Then we collect the crusts, recycle them, and transformthem into croissants and sell them to New Zealand."The Aussie had a smirk on his face. The Kiwi listened in silence.The Aussie persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" Sighing, the Kiwireplied, "Of course."Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Aussie said, "We don't. InAussie, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels,seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jamand sell them to New Zealand."The Kiwi then asked, "Do you have sex in Australia?"The Australian smiled and said, "Why of course we do."The New Zealander leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you dowith the condoms once you've used them?""We throw them away, of course." says the Aussie."We don't," says the Kiwi. "In New Zealand, we put them in a container,recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them toAustralia.Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?

Posted by: sowhat

Sowhat, I notice that you are trying to use a joke I posted on another forum against me, for what reason?I post on several local forums as I see fit, sometimes frequently sometimes not, and I always use the same name (jivvy). I do not turn my back on anybody, we farangs are to few in number to ignore one and other. Best regardsJivvy

Posted by: jivvy

Sowhat, I notice that you are trying to use a joke I posted on another forum against me, for what reason?I post on several local forums as I see fit, sometimes frequently sometimes not, and I always use the same name (jivvy). I do not turn my back on anybody, we farangs are to few in number to ignore one and other. Best regardsJivvy

Posted by: jivvy

Posted by: jivvy

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."Lynn Lavner

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."Robin Williams

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."Joan Rivers

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.Steve Martin

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.Elmo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."Oscar Wilde

Posted by: jivvy

Posted by: jivvy

During lunch at work, I ate two plates of beans with onions.I know it is a big mistake… When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and yelled cheerfully, “Honey I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”He then closed my eyes with scarf and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to opened my eyes, the telephone rang.He made me promise not to touch the scarf until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had eaten were begin affecting me and the pressure was becoming irresistible, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not loud, but it smelled like a manure truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me strongly. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing hydrogen bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was ineffable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very comfort and glad with myself. My face have been like the picture of Mona Lisa when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had opened my eyes,and I assured him I had not. At this point,he opened my eyes,and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, “Happy Birthday Mrs.Fart!”

Posted by: Taman Tun

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank. Frank Feldman.Passenger: "Who?"Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"Cabbie: "Well. I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his in my opininion superb wife"!