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This morning one of my friends told me I inspired her. I think those were the words she used. My jaw about dropped to the floor since I don’t look ay myself as inspiring in any way. However, as I sit here and write this, I think “why can’t I be inspiring?” I have confessed my mental illness, I most definitely have an eating disorder from years of being told I needed to lose weight. My weight has been in the forefront of my mind for pretty much the last 15 years. I want to be healthy, but it’s certainly not healthy to obsess either. INSTEAD, I am going to work on loving myself right now and taking off the conditions I have put on myself. Like “I’ll love myself more when I lose 10 pounds.” As I write this I realize how RIDICULOUS that even sounds. We want other people to love us unconditionally, but many of us, including myself, aren’t willing to love ourselves unconditionally.

Today is a pretty good day for me mentally. I have woken up all week with 10+ hours of sleep and feeling guilty for not going to the gym. You know what? FUCK IT…..I’m OK!!! The gym does not validate me. GOD validates me. If you don’t believe in God then find something higher than yourself, but also including yourself, and put your value in that. It’s 11:55am and I’m still in my bathrobe, drinking my coffee. I need to go put dinner in the crock pot and get ready to start my day. I work in 30 minutes and I could be telling myself what a loser I am for having done nothing of real importance yet this morning but you know what? Someone told me I inspire them, and that inspired me to write this blog. If it wasn’t for my friend Dawn’s small amount of validation this morning I never would have taken a few minutes to sit down and write this blog. I LOVE to blog. It’s my favorite hobby. I get to sit here and put my thoughts out into the world and hope that someone reads them. Maybe my words will resognate with soemone else. I also get to sit here and watch my cat be a spaz.

Go out and be a FUCKING dragon or a unicorn! Just don’t be an asshole. No one likes an asshole. Don’t be intimidated to love yourself. I’m still working on it.

So, for those of you that may not be aware…I just started participating in a year-long therapy journey called DBT. It stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. In one word? AMAZING! But at the same time….extremely difficult. This is my second week participating in the group portion of the therapy which I thought I would hate but I totally LOVE! Tonight we talked about RADICAL ACCEPTANCE……take that in for a minute….Radical Acceptance…..

Accepting any situation that you don’t WANTto accept is going to difficult right? Losing a loved one, discovering you have cancer, finding out your spouse has been having an affair, finding out your child is being bullied at school, just the tough stuff that is thrown at us on a daily basis. Even the smaller things like the dishwasher breaking, our child getting sick etc. BUT….to RADICALLY ACCEPT these situations and commit to not focusing on the bad, but accepting that the situation purely “is what it is.” That is HARD!!!!

Tonight we did this activity where we had to write down 5 or 6 adjectives that we felt described us. Then we had to write down the opposite of those adjectives. Our group leader then told us to digest that in fact BOTH lists were true of ourselves. I looked at my lists and at first I was really sad, then I was kind of irritated because I didn’t want the opposites (the negatives) to be true. However, no one is perfect. My list made me a human being and I’m working on improving the negative stuff.

With radical acceptance I can take my problem, and start to solve it, by changing how I feel about it. I can choose to accept it and work on it, or I can stay miserable. Suffering is less intense with acceptance. Let that sink in for a minute. ”

I’ll leave you with this…..but I will write more soon. In the meantime….Is there a situation in your life you can work on radically accepting?

OK, So I just recently started this new journey of therapy. If you haven’t already, there is a whole post dedicated to DBT therapy you can go read on. Simply put? AMAZING!!!! I’ve only been 4 times but I have learned a plethora of information! Isn’t it logical that if your going to walk someone through all the non so warm and fuzzy times of their lives that you would at least prepare them with tools for emotional success and have them practice these before the real therapy begins?

I went to traditional therapy for SIX years people and I am right back where I was but actually I’m worse because that woman totally screwed me up. Anyway….I’ve been to this one 4 time and I think between this and the small amount of medication I let my doctor put me on, I’m suddenly feeling FANTASTIC for the most part this last week! I struggle with anxiety and actively noticed that my anxiety level was at like practical non-existent compared to my high-strung, if it doesn’t go as it should…everything is.going.to.end.FOREVER……

Anyway, I feel great so I’m totally not going to over think it too much and just roll with it because whatever I’m doing is WORKING! lol.

It is hard work though, I’ll be honest. It’s a lot of constant redirection of thinking. It can be a little exhausting BUT it’s getting a little easier each day with practice patience, self acceptance, self-love, etc…..kinda like the whole nail art adventure I’ve currently embarked upon! I mean if I’m going to live this life I want it to be the best, most influential one I can lead!

If I can change from who I was to who I want to be it’ll be the greatest accomplishment I could even make! I also had a BREAKTHROUGH business idea tonight! More on that later….! Seriously, I think it’s borderline genius and I wouldn’t have to quit my job doing nails to do it if I could make it work. But that’s WAY later down the road, BUT exciting nonetheless!

I’ve also gotten to form some really neat connections lately. I never know how long I’ll ever get with a person before they’ll move, on, have to stop getting their nails done for some reason etc. The BEST part of my job HANDS DOWN is sharing life stories and experiences! Doesn’t it make this life not feel so lonely and scary!? Oh, and we can all realize we’re not crazy because there is someone else out there who is just as ‘cray cray’ as they are on some level! I love the relatability factor I have with 95% of my clients. It’s hard to even say the word client and not refer to my clients as “this friend of mine” which oftentimes I do!

Ok, I really am going to try to keep up my blog a little more consistently!

I’m watching Julie and Julia, (well I was until my husband came home and changed it to the Oregon ducks game).What a terrific movie about a young woman’s life who decides she is going to cook an entire cookbook of Julia Child’s in 365 days! What a concept! Can you imagine dedicating yourself to something totally new to you…. like cooking everyday? I just got an idea! What if I do 365 days of yoga moves? I could learn 1 new position a day and add-on to each position each day! I totally think I’m onto something! My passion is writing…and getting better. My doctor is encouraging yoga to help with my mental health. She said to me “If you don’t take care of you, you can’t take care of anyone else.” How true is that? So seriously, 1 yoga move a day for like what 6 months…. a year? How interesting would that be? Be mind, body and spirit for a few minutes each day. I wonder if I could do it. I wonder if I could commit to anything that long. I think as of now in my life I am coming up on a bunch of commitment firsts…here is a colorful list….

1. Been married for 6 years and 3 months…(I can’t believe he’s put up with me that long….seriously)…

2. I have kept TWO kids ALIVE so far! Shocking, to some, I know…..

3. I have 2 dogs, and 2 cats who are also alive!….I killed my bird 7 years ago BY ACCIDENT! He was this really cool finch my son found outside, like tiny baby. Still had its down feathers. Oh I loved Mr. Dicky!

4. I have managed to contribute in paying a mortgage. I feel like a real adult.

5. I have TEENAGERS….I think that also makes me an adult.

I’m 37. I don’t necessarily FEEL like an adult. I feel like this awkward teenager who is suddenly became an adult with two teen children, 2 dogs, 2 cats, only ONE dead bird and a husband of 6 years.

Like this:

I learned a few coping skills at my first appointment on Thursday. I can tell you that I did NOT tap into those skills today AT ALL! I should have, but I was so blinded by anger and hurt that my head was spinning like something you would see in a Poltergeist movie! The fury that arose from being so blinded by fear and injustice was overwhelming; especially for someone with BPD. I will admit that while I had every right to FEEL the way I did, that my REACTION should have been different; instead of screaming and blowing up on my family member, I should have taken a break, grouped my thoughts together, and taken a more productive approach. But I didn’t. I blew a gasket. You know who this really hurts? Just me. My shoulders are tight, anxiety is high, I’m embarrassed and feel icky inside. I’m so tired of feeling like this and it’s just fueling me to turn my “Sadness into gladness” as my dear friend Lori put it today.

The world is sometimes a really scary feeling place and that is really hard for someone like me to admit. On the outside, I’m most of the time, sweet, bubbly, talkative, and friendly. Please hear me when I tell you this….I am not fake….I really, truly am all of those things. However, sometimes I have to force those behaviors in order to hide other behaviors such as fear, anxiety, depression etc.

I didn’t mention this in my last post because my head was a mess and I was just writing because I find writing soothing. On Thursday, my therapist asked me a TON of yes/no questions. Turns out, (so she says) that I have PTSD, and major depressive disorder. Now the PTSD I could not have predicted, but MDD? I rarely feel the need to stay in bed all day and feel sorry for myself. However, that is not what MDD really means. MDD is as follows:

• Depressed mood or a loss of interest or pleasure in daily activities for more than two weeks.
• Mood represents a change from the person’s baseline.
• Impaired function: social, occupational, educational.
• Specific symptoms, at least 5 of these 9, present nearly every day:
1. Depressed mood or irritable most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report
(e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful).
2. Decreased interest or pleasure in most activities, most of each day
3. Significant weight change (5%) or change in appetite
4. Change in sleep: Insomnia or hypersomnia
5. Change in activity: Psychomotor agitation or retardation
6. Fatigue or loss of energy
7. Guilt/worthlessness: Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt
8. Concentration: diminished ability to think or concentrate, or more indecisiveness
9. Suicidality: Thoughts of death or suicide, or has suicide plan

I would like to be clear to my friends and family who follow me here. I DO NOT struggle with self harm or suicidal thoughts and tendencies or dissociation. Thank the LORD! My therapy plan is a ONE YEAR commitment. Every Tuesday morning I will go individually, and group therapy every Wednesday evening. Group therapy sounds scary, but I’m trying to remember that everyone in this group is like me which is why we’re all there. We all have a common goal…and that is to get better.

One of the things I struggle with the most is commitment. I commit and then I flake. Mainly I flake out of the “what if” fear. I go into irrational thinking and talk myself right out of the thing I committed to. I am making a COMMITMENT to myself first and my family to do this. I WANT to get better! 1 year of my life and I can most likely be BPD symptom free? YES PLEASE! It’s not going to be easy but it’s going to be totally worth it.

If you or someone you know struggles with depression I encourage you to seek help. While I haven’t seen the effects of this work yet, I also don’t have any tools to work with quite yet. Oh, I do have one thing…..I can call my therapist 24/7 in the event that I need coping skills immediately. I exercised this phone call last night, and I should have done it today. Honestly it didn’t even cross my mind to call her today. I think it’s because this whole thing is so new to me.

I have been ashamed of my depression pretty much my entire life. Why? Because in essence I was always made to believe that it makes me weak. Basically if I really believed that it was all in my head that eventually it would go away. I also believe my depression is for the most part circumstantial. Yes, every month I go through about 10 days where I feel emotionally crazy. But I think MOST woman feel like this! We are not crazy. We are overwhelmed. Depression is hard and can be shameful to the person experiencing it. So don’t judge. Just love!

You and I walk a fragile line
I have known it all this time
but I never thought I’d live to see it break
It’s getting dark and it’s all too quiet
And I can’t trust anything now
And it’s coming over you like it’s all a big mistake

Come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something’s gone terribly wrong
You’re all I wanted

Come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone
Can’t turn back now, I’m haunted

Stood there and watched you walk away
From everything we had
But I still mean every word I said to you
He would try to take away my pain
And he just might make me smile
But the whole time I’m wishing he was you instead

Oh, I’m holding my breath
Won’t see you again
something keeps me holding on to nothing

Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something’s gone terribly wrong
You’re all I wanted
Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone
Can’t turn back now, I’m haunted

I know, I know, I just know
You’re not gone. You can’t be gone. Noooooooo.

Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something’s gone terribly wrong
Won’t finish what you started
Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone
Can’t go back, I’m haunted

You and I walked a fragile line
I have known it all this time
Never ever thought I’d see it break.
Never thought I’d see it…