Thursday, December 01, 2011

Normally I'm A Thirst For Knowledge Kinda Guy, But I'm Calling This Quest Off And Remaining Blissfully Ignorant.

It started the way most great intellectual pursuits do, by aimlessly wandering through the classified ads of Craigslist. Did you know the Internet can trace its origins to a government research project into ways to keep computers in the defense department safe from enemy attack? I'm sure the people who worked night and day with a vision of keeping the world safe for democracy all those years ago take great pride in the number of men who have been able to enlarge their penis thanks to special offers spammed to them through their creation.

Not that I'm looking to enlarge my penis or anything. I was actually looking through the real estate ads, I swear, I live in a tourist town you see, and the IRS says if you rent your place for 2 weeks or less, than the income from the transaction is tax-free. I was browsing around looking to see if anyone might be interested in taking a short term possession of my condo by the sea while I am away this summer.

I didn't really find any serious prospects, but I did come across an ad from a couple who said they would be in the area and wanted to know if anyone would be up for some "knotty" fun. Something wasn't right about this, it was clear. There was a secret here that I was not a party to, and not knowing things doesn't sit well with me. My Mom tells the world that she helped me learn to read because I would get mad that there were things on a piece of paper that other people could understand and I could not. That same intellectual fire started to well up in me as I stared at this ad that was coded in a way I could not understand.

If you do not want to be shocked, appalled, and disgusted, stop reading right now.

So I set out to break the code just as surely as I cracked the code of printed English almost 40 years ago. back then the result was gaining eventual access to the poetry of Shakespeare, the wisdom of the ancient Greeks and Romans, the modern insight of writers like Philip Roth and the practical life lessons to be had in the novels of Tom Wolfe.

Tonight however, I learned that "dog knotting" is another term for fucking your canine companion. I am not making this up. Evidently.......sigh.......a dog's penis swells up at the base during intercourse, forming a "knot" that acts as a plug so no semen can leak out. It stays like this, keeping the two.....in a perfect world......dogs....locked together for anywhere from 10 minutes to half an hour. There are, I am saddened to report, humans who evidently take advantage of this. And for two of them, getting their own dog and sharing this among themselves wasn't quite enough. They were advertising for strange people and/or dogs to share this, hobby(?) with.

I am going to take a handful of Ambien now in an effort to forget this ever happened.