It’s funny, because I’ve always shunned therapy before now, thinking it to be some American-fangled solution to everything that goes wrong in the world. Every American I know either has a therapist or knows someone who does, and it just seemed like a cop-out to me.

But that’s all changed after my session on Saturday. Paid for by one of the newest members of my “support” group, I went in with an open mind and boy, am I glad I did.

No, it’s not a miracle cure, and no, I’m not “fixed”. But I AM focused. I do know what I can and can’t do anything about, I do know the things that I CAN’T fix, and I do know that I’m going to be ok.

And him? I think we may just be ok too. Not as anything other than friends, but that’s ok with me too. I’d rather have a friend I can turn to when things get rough, than the memory of someone who never loved me enough.

You would think after 5 months that I would be getting stronger day by day, that I would be able to go for a few hours at least without thinking about him. But no – he’s still at the forefront of my mind ALL day. I check my phone every 5 minutes just in case I didn’t hear the text that he hasn’t sent, or the email that he hasn’t written, or the call he hasn’t made. I find myself bursting into tears (as I am now) when I think about him, speak about him, dream about him – I actually woke up crying the other night which can’t be a good sign!

I still talk to him. Almost every day. Except when he’s with her. I’m trying to support him through everything he’s going through at the moment, but then I remember that I’d really like some support too. But who can I turn to? If I told anyone about my current situation they’d only tell me that I need to make a clean break. Move on. Forget. But I don’t want to. I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all. (I’m sure that’s a line from a country song that I’ve probably played over and over these last few months.)

It’s now 2.45 in the morning and I’m still wide awake, thinking about him. Wishing he was lying awake thinking about me but I know he won’t be. He’s a sound sleeper – never has any trouble falling asleep. Besides, what right do I have to expect him to be thinking of me? We are no longer a couple. He has another woman. He should be lying thinking about her and not me.

If you know what I mean…?

I know that the large majority of people who read this are not from “here-aboots” but I’m sure you understand me enough to know what I mean. Those who know me well, also know that I over-think EVERYTHING!! What ingredients to put in the soup, what cleaning products to use for the bathroom walls, and where my life is heading… They all get the equal amount of thought. And angst if I’m honest with myself…

Sometimes all you can do is not think

So my aim is to now rid myself of a lot of the “mince” that’s floating about in my head. Stop over-thinking things, stop trying to guess what the consequences of my actions (or non-actions) will be. And just take what comes…

But this is NOT going to be easy! As someone who spends a huge amount of her spare time writing down my thoughts, hopes and dreams – mingled in with my heartbreaks and nightmares – this is going to be even harder than stopping smoking (which was a doddle compared to stopping thinking…!)

But I’m ready to give it a go…

But first a glass of wine to accompany my pile of ironing. Red or white? Mmmm Carmenere, Merlot or Rioja?