Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Harrisburg Imposes Robbery Tax

(HARRISBURG) - Calling it the latest in a series of innovative revenue initiatives, Harrisburg Mayor Stephen Reed today approved a new ordinance taxing all proceeds on robberies and muggings.

"From this point forward, all perpetrators are on the honor system to submit 4 percent of all funds they garner through illicit means to the city of Harrisburg," announced Reed. He noted half of the levy will be deposited into the city's general fund while the remainder will go toward the Harrisburg Authority which will use the money to fund repairs on what he described as the city's "totally fucked" incinerator.

"This is a prime time for those of you who've considered robbing a business or mugging some individuals to act on those aspirations," Reed said. "But please, stop short of violent crime. Remember, drawing blood brings no money into the city's coffers."

The mayor estimated that a 50 percent compliance rate among thieves would bring in "a six-figure sum" in the first year of the tax.

Reed also released copies of Harrisburg Police Department records showing crime patterns that he said revealed which portions of the city are most profitable for various types of heists.