George Osborne to cut population by 24%

According to a leaked Treasury memo, the Chancellor George Osborne is planning to reduce the burden on public services by reducing the population by 24%.

The memo stresses that the proposed cull will be "progressive". Campaigners say the figures show that it will disproportionately affect the poor, but ministers have been quick to point out that culling the poor will reduce their tax burden and free up valuable public funds to care for the remaining poor. A recent edition of the Today program then descended into a long discussion about what "progressive" actually means.

"We'll start with poor A level students who can't afford university places, despite having five straight A stars - they are very bright, but clearly will be disaffected and likely to turn in threats to the state, so will need to be topped. This will obviously stop them breeding, so a win-win there", said Osborne today.

People on benefits for more than a year will go next, and turned into emulsified fat "after all they virtually are now!" quipped Osborne.

Actually, culling the poor isn't such a bad idea, now that we can't export them to Australia, America and other hell-holes like we used to. Especially as the EU won't let us throw them into endless wars against the French, the other traditional way of thinning their numbers.