If you caught Cyndi Lauper singing our nation anthem at the U.S. Open, which I know you didn’t because well, football>tennis, at least here in America, then you saw a worse butcher job than down at Al’s Meats and Pet Grooming. Girls just wanna have fun…sure. I just want you to get the friggin’ words right. We’ve all heard the excuses over the years…”the echo in that place throws you off”, “the reverb was so great and the crowd was cheering, I couldn’t hear”. Uh huh. Here’s the REAL truth why singers mess up the national anthem:

You tried to turn the song into a Top 40 single, and got in over your head

You went out drinking the night before, and thought seven Captain and Cokes with a Jim Beam chaser wouldn’t “affect a pro’s performance”.

The mixing guy at the stadium forgot to give you the “I Am T-Pain” autotune microphone, and you just don’t roll like that.

The stadium refused to put the national anthem’s words on the jumbo tron for you.

You’re a washed up hack and are now at the “I only take cash payment” stage of your illustrious singing career.

I’ve seen so many singers wipe out on the national anthem recently, I’m starting to wonder if there isn’t some sort of “freeform” movement. I’m also, extremely tired of the excuses. No, the national anthem is not “lyrically open for interpretation”. It has words, words that mean something. I’ll bet most of these so-called singers wouldn’t mess it up if they were singing a Madonna song with Queen Madge in the audience.

If you happen to be from another country, and think I’m making a big deal out of this, guess what…I am, with good reason. If you disagree, I’d be more than willing to come up and sing “Hey, Canada” at the next Canucks game, or “God Save Sean Connery” at Wembley Stadium. When you get put on center stage at a sporting event, on September 11th and in front of a bunch of Marines, no less, you may want to fake like you’ve prepared yourself to sing the national anthem.

While you digest that, I’d like to show you how we get shit done in Chicago. Mainly via Jim Cornelison, Chicago realtor/Chicago Blackhawks national anthem singer. And just a side note, see how all those crazy ass people are screaming during the anthem? That’s what we do here. It’s an unbelievable sight and sound at Soldier Field, but it is a truly awesome spectacle in the United Center during the Blackhawks’ games. If in other cities, people listen to the anthem, casually glancing at a wristwatch or people gawking, fine. Here, in this town, my town, its how things work.