3 questions: Family driving you crazy?

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May 20, 2009 at 12:01 AMMay 20, 2009 at 8:22 PM

A Q & A with psychologist Mark Sharp on how to have stress-free visits with relatives

Family trips to visit relatives are a summer tradition, but kids may not share parents’ enthusiasm for these visits. Dr. Mark Sharp, a psychologist who practices in Oak Brook, Ill., and specializes in families and kids, says addressing these varying expectations is the key to a successful trip.

Allecia Vermillion

A Q & A with psychologist Mark Sharp on how to have stress-free visits with relatives

Family trips to visit relatives are a summer tradition, but kids may not share parents’ enthusiasm for these visits. Dr. Mark Sharp, a psychologist who practices in Oak Brook, Ill., and specializes in families and kids, says addressing these varying expectations is the key to a successful trip.

What sort of problems can arise when visiting distant family members?

A lot of awkward situations arise because of differing expectations. If the visitors have particular activities they want to do or other people they want to visit, and those expectations aren’t clarified, hurt feelings can result.

If you are visiting distant relatives, it is good to communicate your expectations in advance, even in a casual conversation.

Different expectations or household norms can also create awkward situations. Such simple things as household rules, like taking shoes off inside, or unfamiliar eating habits can lead to misunderstandings and discomfort. There can also be some awkwardness around kids, particularly when kids treat relatives as strangers and a warmer reception was expected.

How can you get kids to feel comfortable visiting with unfamiliar relatives?

Younger kids will initially experience new relatives as strangers. Parents can prepare younger children by explaining who the relatives are, showing pictures and bringing up any connections, such as earlier visits or gifts they have sent.

Parents must also be attentive to their children’s feelings; kids should be comfortable with the pace at which closeness and interaction develop. Often, adult relatives want to be affectionate and ask lots of questions of children right off the bat. This can be very hard on children, particularly those on the shy side. Don’t push children to open up to Grandma or Uncle Frank. Everyone will be more comfortable and the closeness will develop faster if the parents support their children’s feelings and set some boundaries with the adult relatives.

Generally, middle school-aged kids don’t want to be away from their friends or activities and are relatively indifferent to adults in general. Parents should again accept those feelings, though they should also expect polite and appropriate behavior. It’s also helpful to plan some activities on the trip with the older child in mind.

How can parents ensure these visits run smoothly?

Determining the ideal length of a visit can be difficult and varies by situation. You want to stay long enough to justify the long journey, but not so long that it gets uncomfortable or boring. Keep in mind it is usually better to leave with the feeling that you wish you had more time together than with a sense of relief.

Take some time away from your hosts if necessary. A break can help everyone catch their breath and relax from being on their best behavior all the time. This could be as simple as taking a walk every day or even doing a kid-related activity for a day if the relatives being visited aren’t that interested in the activity.