Sport's Day officially evil

Coming in last, their pudgy faces red from the running and tears in their eyes it’s hard not to laugh at fat kids on sports day but a research paper, to be published today, has branded school sports day an annual, public, almost ritual humiliation for rotund children everywhere.

The paper argues that watching their athletically superior classmates revel in victory ruins their self-esteem, causing them to cry into their Revels. Dr. Tom Davidson, head of the research said, ‘They might feel distress and under pressure to change themselves to fit society norms. We need to teach kids that they are fine the way they are. We can then build up their self-esteem to the point that they will change to life style to conform to society norms.’

‘I’m not having any of it,’ roared school consoler Matt Parsons, ‘the best way to get fat kids fit is through bullying. We should have more sports day to they can be ridiculed even more. We should poke them in the belly every morning and call them Pop n’ Fresh.’