Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

3:30 pm

Fri January 10, 2014

Limericks

CARL KASELL: Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the contact us link on our website waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium and our upcoming shows at the University of Chicago January 30th and in Phoenix Arizona on February 13th. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

HOST: Brandt, welcome to the show. Carl Kasell right now is going to read you three news-related limericks, with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two of the limericks, you'll be a big winner. Ready to play?

HANDLEY: I am.

HOST: Here is your first limerick.

KASELL: Going number two, dogs can feel pompous, cuz we always know where our rump is. Up north is the mouth and the other end's south. When squatting, we're just like a...

HANDLEY: ...compass?

HOST: Yes, indeed.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

HOST: According to a ground-breaking new study, dogs align themselves with the earth's magnetic field when they poop.

(LAUGHTER)

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Wow.

HOST: Biologists examined 70 dogs pooping over a two year period and came to two conclusions, first, dogs tend to align their bodies on a north/south access, and second, man, is it time to get a new job.

(LAUGHTER)

HOST: So if you get lost in the wilderness, don't forget to bring a dog and some Metamucil, and you will never get lost.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I feel so stupid because I've had dogs for years and, you know, I mean, I don't stare at them. You know, I give them a little bit of privacy but, you know, I've been with them when they've illuminated any number of times. And it never occurred to me that they were always pointing in the same direction. I just never even thought to think of it.

(LAUGHTER)

ADAM FELBER: And why do they look so guilty when they're doing it?

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: They look sad and ashamed.

POUNDSTONE: They do.

FELBER: And if I were doing perfect compass work while doing that, I'd be proud.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, I would be proud.

(LAUGHTER)

HOST: Brandt, here is your next limerick.

HANDLEY: Yes, sir.

KASELL: I chase looks just as much as I chase thrift. I think surgery is but a base grift.

With the DIY bug I snip and I tug. I'm giving myself my own...

HANDLEY: ...facelift.

HOST: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

HOST: According to beauty experts, also known as professional Mean Girls, 2014 is going to be the year of DIY do it yourself plastic surgery, thanks to some new tools. There's the Nose Slimmer, to push up the bone and contours of your nose, as it says. Or the Scalp Stretcher, or the Smile Trainer permanent smile installer. Because why should rich people be the only ones to look like horrifying walking skeletons?

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: They work perfectly.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Never felt better.

CHARLIE PIERCE: Adam, is the back of your head trying to say something?

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: No. That's my mouth.

HOST: Here, Brandt, is your last limerick.

KASELL: We think plus sized is all the same segment. Some think our faux pas is quite flagrant. At Target we drape the bulk in your shape. Our models aren't fat, they're just...

HANDLEY: ...fragrant?

HOST: Fragrant?

(LAUGHTER)

HOST: I'm sure they are.

HANDLEY: Read it to me again, Carl.

HOST: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

KASELL: We think plus sized is all the same segment. Some think our faux pas is quite flagrant. At Target we drape the bulk in your shape. Our models aren't fat, they're just...

HANDLEY: ...pregnant.

HOST: Yes, indeed, pregnant.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

HOST: Last year, as we reported, Target offended online shoppers by describing the color of a plus-sized dress as quote manatee gray.

(LAUGHTER)

HOST: Plus size ladies didn't like that. Well, this week they've upped their game and managed to offend both plus-size shoppers and, we assume, the manatees again, because manatees are so sensitive...

PIERCE: That's right.

HOST: ...by not using plus-sized models for their plus-sized dresses, but instead a skinny lady who happened to be pregnant. Pregnant women are mad because they don't like their baby bumps described as "plus-sized," and plus-sized women want those skinny ho's to shut up.

(LAUGHTER)

HOST: Carl, how did Brandt do on our quiz?

KASELL: Brandt, you had three correct answers so I'll be doing the message on your home answering machine or voicemail.