Tuesday, September 28, 2010

When The Customer is a SCREWBALL! (Which is almost always!)

Okay that’s it. I’ve had it. I’m done with calling “customer care” numbers”. Why?!! Did you dare to ask me “why”? Because my teeth have begun to grow backwards, my hair has turned into earthworms, my blood pressure is 5078-654 and I have begun to walk in my sleep stark naked. Backwards and singing dirty ditties. That’s why. And that’s only a small measure of what calling these numbers can do to you. (More on that in another post.) Instead what I have decided is to start my own “customer care” hotline .

And when you call, in the hallowed tradition of “customercare”, etched on the walls of the KilliBilli Caves somewhere in the icy wasteland of Outer Catatonia 567,9123 years ago, you will first hear this recorded message…

Thank you for calling Kustomer Killibilli. If you are an existing user – SUCKER! Now, that we’ve got you by the short-‘n-curly, press 1 If you are a new user (and obviously want to become an “existing user” or why would you calling u)s – BIGGER SUCKER! And press 2 to know why.

That number is incorrect because it has only 90124 digits. Please enter the 90125-digit number-that-we-tattooed-in-lining-of-your-rectum-while-you-were-sleeping. (If you need help finding your rectum, please dial the 78423-digit number that we tattooed on your other rectum. You have only one rectum? We’re so sorry, you deformed single-anus cripple. But we’ll help you anyway. Please enter the 90125-digit number-that-we-tattooed-in-lining-of-your-rectum-while-you-were-sleeping)

That number, though it has 90125 digits, is the number of combination lock on our boss’ wife’s chastity belt. (Or so all the 567 boys in the call centre are hoping it is.) Please enter your 90125-digit number-that-we-tattooed-in-lining-of-your-rectum-while-you-were-sleeping.

That was the number that would have got you automatically turned into the stock of rotting doggy-n-human-poo that Suresh Kalmadi is saving up in case nothing else goes wrong during the CWG but we saved you.

Er, what we really mean to say is – Thank you – We’re happy to know that you finally found at least one of your rectums but all our kustomer-killibilli-excutives are busy, mostly trying to break into the boss’s wife’s chastity belt.. So, we realise your finger is now worn down to the second knuckle, but please wait.

Please don’t scream. (We know that in spite of the fact that this is a recorded message because everybody starts to scream at this point. And/or jumps off the balcony, yanking out their intestines on the way.) Your call is important to us because after all, a numbskull-loser-sucker like you is only born one every 1/236768th of a second. So please wait. We will be with you in about 23.93 years or after your eyeballs shrivel up and fall out of their sockets and become miso soup.

(After 23.93 years AND after your eyeballs have indeed turned to soup….)