On this virginal, dawning day, it is not the first words that I commit to the empty page that matter the most, it is the deeep, slow breath which precedes them. Said breath was essential, because the World inside me is so thick with vines, intricate root systems and underbrush…. My breath is my machete. Slicing to the heart of the jungle within.

Life never ceases to blow my mind… with its genius capacity to direct, orchestrate, inspire. Doors swinging open and slamming shut.

Ten days ago, I wrote you a love letter from hell…. Since then, I have been desperately groping at the cryptic, mystic contours of infinite space, where inner and outer environment swirl, bleed, blur… endeavoring to make “sense” of it…. find Due North… Discover a secret moonlit path that sings against my bare, sentient feet.

I have scattered fist-fulls of seeds into the wind… eager to discover which ones will, by God’s Grace-laden intelligence, nestle their way into fertile earth, and sprout into a new and clear direction. I made a profile on a dog walking/sitting website. Refreshed my profile on urbansitter (the local nanny-placement site). Offered my services of copy writing to heart-centered women entrepreneurs.

Almost nothing has come back to me. Except for a full time nanny gig next week, which pays less than I vowed I would give my time for. But I took it, because at this point, earning any money trumps making none. Look out ten hour days with Serena AND an energetic two and a half year old boy…. Here come the Graces!… God help us.

Something I need you to understand about me…. Is that this is how I grew up. At Serena’s age, my mom was “doing it alone” amidst the unsaybly expensive Bay Area hustle. For way too long, I hated her for making that choice. I thought it was totally dumb for her to choose the most expensive spot in California to settle and struggle daily to survive with a young child. This often involved leaving me in sketchy daycares and with babysitters who frightened me…. And sometimes leaving me alone too. Yes, even at age three, or maybe even two. (I forgive you Mom.)

Now Life has guided me back here to soften me with compassion and a deeper cut of insight regarding her choices. There is no place like the Bay Area. Marin in particular. So much creativity, consciousness, stunning natural beauty. My friend Samantha took us to the San Francisco zoo on thursday, and my soul *exploded* as we crossed the mythic Golden Gate Bridge, and then traversed the breath-giving coastline that led us to the literal edge of the World. Endless, white-waving ocean. Unlimited cool, vivifying air to drink deep of and seduce titillated skin. I could lose myself in descriptions of the specialness of this place that I was blessed to spend the weighty majority of my thirty eight years on planet earth. But I have too much more to say. Guess you’ll have to wait for the ebook. Haha.

My naive surface mind imagined that I was coming back to The Bay to step into deeper relationship/family with Ed. And that gave me enough solace and courage to leap as my Inner Being directed. But upon landing, I quickly (crushingly) realized this was not the case. Ed is still fiercely committed to his Other Life. We have only seen him twice in three weeks. I’m sure he would wish that I offered you his extremely valid justifications for this. But since Athena Graceland is MY domain, I shant. Instead, I will testify that I am delighted to be free this time, for what deeply feels to be “for realz”.

Back in January, I made a super-duper-neo-feminist birthday wish- to rise phoenix-goddess-style- in my own Dreams and Life- in abundance and success- and NEVER NEED/WANT A MAN TO SAVE ME AGAIN.

But now here I am flailing in the crushingly expensive and perversely indifferent currents of Bay Area economy… Desperately sewing seeds in the way of survival… and unflattering truth be told…. I could REALLY go for a Savior right about now.

Giordano.

I was sure that we were finished.

But HE wasn’t.

He has been unrelenting in his communication with me. Unwavering in his love and desire to be a family with me and Serena. And little by little, my defenses have eroded. Truth is, I mostly, I kept them intact for Ed. But the days of “for Ed” are dead.

On thursday, Giordano told me he was concerned for me. My flippant reply was “Haha you wanna save me?”….

“Sure. I will.”

At first, I only snickered.

But he was evocatively sincere.

So I put the option of taking Serena and flying to his pristine, sprawling, olive tree laden land in the hills above Assisi into the hopper and let it simmer with the rest of my sacred, illuminated mess.

My body still reverberates with sparkling desire when I think of him. As flawed as he is, his love and desire to be with me and Serena has NEVER wavered since we met in September of last year. Even after I locked him out of my house and left him high and not-so-dry in driving spring rain… Coldly endured the heart-bludgeoning music of him crying outside my door.

My Ma loved to imagine my life as an Opera. No, not a cheap-assed Soap Opera! A genuine, bonafide OPERA. And the artistic, elegant, heart-wrenching musical saga weaves ON.

I fear that Ed might throw daggers for me choosing to fly to Italy in August…. But… Fuck him. If he doesn’t want to create safety and sanctuary for “the love of his life” and his own daughter… Onwards and upwards.

I thought I was coming to the Bay Area to follow my dreams. To grow a business and BE SOMEBODY. But upon cruel meeting of rubber and road… suddenly it looks way more alluring to be held and supported as I care for my daughter with presenc and devotion. To ditch the concrete and wifi and chemically treated water and return to the pristine vibrance and bounty of Mother Earth. Night sky pulsing with unbounded spray of stars.

To go where Orgasmic Meditation and deep sex flow like wine and rivers.

And perhaps fulfill my dream of raising a bilingual child.

We’ll see. I’m getting us one way tickets. I could be back faster than a blink… or perhaps I’ll never leave. Life is a Goddamn Mystery, people!!!!

I find it utterly hilarious that I’m opting to be saved… after my bold birthday wish….

But #1~ Single parenting in this broken world is crushing. Plain and simple.

And #2~ Nothing is black and white. I will continue to walk my Path no matter what I choose. Continue to drench you with my heart-stained words… and offer my light and love to this world. But my daughter comes first.

Oh, and #3~ Giordano keeps invoking his dream of co-creating magic. Working together to build something of value for others in the way of Light.

Hello from the bowels of hell. It’s actually nice that they allow me write hOMe from down here. I wouldn’t have expected that. Hell gets such a bad rap. But it’s actually a pretty quiet place. Except for the jubilantly gurgling fish tank filter. They even have a profoundly soft sheepskin rug for me to sit on. It’s almost like a cheap knock-off of Heaven down here.

Gosh, I thought I was in hell… maybe I should look at a map before I open my big fat mouth and announce shit on the internet.

I woke up grinding myself down in fear and worry of an imaginary and tragic, not-so-distant-future. A future where I too quickly run out of money… have no way to make more… no inner, nor outer reSource to make my Dreams come true. It’s fuckin bleak. Plus, I have an incredible, wildly deserving child that I am accountable for. The skewed puzzle of Existence-As-I-Know-It, is not adding up in my mind.

Something woke me at 3am. At 3:50, I got out of bed… imagining that I’d have extra bonus time to infuse my mind with great books and make love with my cup of tea… but instead I cried too much to even be able to sip from my steaming cup of luscious, caffienated love.

Now I am forgoing my unsayably delectable yoga practice, because I HAVE to write this shit down. It’s just too bizarre. One of those nightmares you wake up from drenched in sweat, heart pounding… sooo glad to be awake…. But the images and feelings are burned so deep in your body-mind that it takes some serious will power to undo from its gouging shackles.

The mind. Wild that it can dance between heaven and hell in a single flirtatious blink of Goddess’s shimmering, infinite eye.

It’s actually kinda cool… to abide in the space where Rubber and Road merge, mingle and masticate. I mean that’s when we REALLY get to bump and grind with the untainted honesty of what we are made of.

Or not.

I’m made of Light and Love and Hella Special Sauce.

But I’m not feeling like it.

What I’m driving at, is that lofty spiritual concepts fly out the window when Life has you in a headlock, your soft cheek pressed against gritty pavement. Before the genius notion to pound my glorious terror out upon willing keys arose, I perched on a sexy, red suede couch, marinating in sacred, terrifying aloneness, crying plump, juicy tears, hurling hateful words at Ed… like how I wish we’d never met, and that I’d kill myself if it wasn’t for Beautiful Serena.

Isn’t that horrible?

I just can’t get my head around how I imagined I was moving in the direction of my Dreams by leaving Ananda. Now that I am here in outrageously expensive, excessively paved Marin County, I feel totally destabilized and incapable of birthing my Visionary and Delectable women’s video circles.

Maybe I should jump tracks and pour myself into my Podcast, “Get Naked With Athena”…

Nobody has signed up for my upcoming webinar. Go figure. I have been drowning in fear and despair. Not exactly alluring, to say the least.

BUT I CAN WRITE. I can pour my deranged, haunted-fun-house-mirror feelings and injured-though-fiercly-determined=racehorse-mind all over the page and THIS is my freedom. THIS is my heaven amidst the self-imposed hell that I am back-stroking through.

And I CAN BREATHE. As deeep as I wanna. That’s raw, pure Grace. Mmmmm…. I looove to breathe.

At the heart of the heart, this is what I LIVE for. To write this boggling existence down. For posterity’s sake.

I’m watching, awestruck as my sense of self unravels. I really don’t know if I know a damn thing. Before Serena came along, I thought I was this high and mighty preacher of the Good Word. I dreamt I was a know-it-all, spiritual badass. But honestly, as another dawn illuminates this jagged, perplexing world, and I type my heart and soul out upon the page as though my Life depends on it….

I feel like desperate emptiness dreaming hollow, haunted dreams.

Breathing.

Wondering….

Wondering what my Life is REALLY for.

Beneath the fever dreams of ego and false salvation.

God will show me the Way.

I pray that I can be good

for Beloved Serena today.

And hey…

Beloved Me, too.

Even though SHE

Is harder to see.

And God, please take away this self-hatred that I didn’t even realize was in me…. Until I stumbled, mostly sober, into this illusory wing of hell. Let me be Empty.

Hello from my new world. Not to be confused with The New World… but that is on its way. I promise. You know, the World where unity consciousness is a given, and Love leads the Way for ALL. I live for this emerging World. Alas, I still shed tears for the oceans and the landfills brimming with carelessly discarded plastic, grapple with dark-carved shadows of money fear, and annoy my closest friends with my obsessive confusion on the scorching topic of romantic love.

But I totally digress because I just meant to tell you that I’ve landed in Terra Linda. The name makes me snicker, since it means “Beautiful Earth”, or something along those lines… a funny name for a suburban sprawl. (Though I guess to its credit, it IS surrounded by dryer than Thou, rolling brown hillsides, dappled with an occasional bushy green spot otherwise known as a “tree”.

From the forest to the burbs.

I’m not kidding. There is a shopping mall like five blocks away from where I sit, feverishly typing my enchanting little Life into existence. With a Macy’s and a Safeway and stuff. A street light bleeds through the gap in my curtains at night. The view from my deck is a slice of sky cut with a tangle of power lines. There’s not a ton of traffic on our lane, but when I awoke last night, heart pounding, from a nightmare that I had prepared an intentional, loving meal for Ed, his wife and a few others, and Ed and his wife disappeared into another room, abandoning the party… I did experience occasional cars driving by, flooding my sweet, littl bedroom in washes of light.

It’s a different world. “On paper”, it appears a tragic downgrade. But in real time, this slice of Life has a heart and a pulsing soul. I am so happy to be with Karen and her ten year old daughter, Sasha. And their eight pound ball of divine, K9 enthusiasm, Pepper.

With a single sweep of God’s Infinite Hand, Serena and I have a family! And not one of those defective, nuclear jobs, either. A fat, juicy, unconventional one, with waaaay too much love to fit into a single word, sentence, paragraph or page.

Serena is thrilled to have a big sister! She follows Sasha around like a smitten puppy. She thinks Sasha is the shizz. And she izz. Sasha is kind, brilliant, creative, beautiful, fun, joyful, silly…..

Just like her mom.

I hadn’t even seen my room when we pulled up to our suburban palace with a car full of stuff. I just rolled the cosmic dice, ready for anything. But gosh, I love it. It’s sorta small. But the ceilings are high, and it is full of LIGHT, which happens to be my middle name, and the most essential nutrient in my diet. Plus it has mirrored closet doors that make it feel more spacious. Plus Plus, it has sliding glass doors onto its own private, covered deck… so it’s like having a whole nother wing.

Now, if only I could channel the spirit of Muhammad Ali, I’d be Golden. I always think of him in mOMents when self-doubt creeps in. That muther fucker never entertained even a single shred of doubt. He fixed his mind on being a Champion. Period.

The radiant, heavenly blessings of my new life are laced with a steady drone of dark, thick survival-based fear. How will I earn the money I need to survive or better yet THRIVE in this chapter of the Good Book of Athena Grace?

I came here to give it ALL to my luscious, beaming dreams. But don’t dreams take time to build? Meanwhile, my car has a constant thirst for fossil fuel. My body and my daughter, a constant need for high quality, organic food. Serena and I require shelter and recreation and clothing…

I want my Mama.

I want my mind and will to be as streamlined as Muhammad Ali’s.

I want to be as driven, creative, outrageous, unstoppable and RICH as Madonna.

I want to be as turned-the-fuck-ON and surrendered to Life as Nicole Daedone.

I want to be as REAL and inSpiring and expressive as Athena Grace!!!!!

I can do it. I AM doing it. God’s got my back. Right God? Please don’t drop me God. I am PRAYING that these hella pretty wings actually WORK. I am praying that I actually DO have everything I need inside me…. and it’s not just a lovely-sounding, though hollow notion.

I’m intentionally not going to talk about Relationship, even though it is plaguing me like an infected thorn. I’ll just let it fester silently. And maybe, like magic, the poison will become medicine. (I’ll save that ever-compelling topic for my upcoming podcast!!! Stay tuned.)

I’m the greatest thing that ever lived! I’m the Queen of the World! I’m a baaaaaad Woman. I’m the prettiest thing that ever lived. (Incase you’re totally out of it, that was me channeling Muhammad Ali. Grin.)

And now for some deep breaths as I relax into this stunning, unbounded, streaming, brilliant Becoming.

Hey God, I need to talk to you. I know you’re listening… even if my own BEing is too much of a perpetual chaotic swirl to hear or feel you listening, let alone responding. But just knowing that you are listening is ENOUGH.

I’m scared today, God. Can you refresh my memory as to WHY you are sending me and Serena back into the expensiver than Thou, outrageously chaotic, painfully paved, relentless traffic, screaming wifi lands of the Bay Area?

Because I wanted to go? Is it THAT simple? Never. And Who infused me with said want, anyway? Maybe we should have waited until October. When the first hints of chill creep back into the air, and the Enchanted Yuba River no longer lures with the same siren song…. Shouldn’t we have spent one more summer nestled in the verdant, jungly folds of Balarama’s “Prana Gardens”, plucking sun-warmed, candy-sweet cherry tomatoes from their vine? And what about those shiny, black, bursting berries that Serena and I have been dreaming of with every rain…. Imagining the blessed water soaking into the earth, being voraciously slurped by aggressively purposeful roots who prepare in secret to bust out the sweetes, most resplendent little jewels.

No, actually being able to earn enough money to survive (but God, I’d waaay rather THRIVE) there is my greatest fear. And yes, I know it’s not “spiritually hip” to run on and on about fears. But I’m over being spiritually hip. I just want you to hear me and LOVE me, God. And reassure me that you won’t drop me. Ever. And if I fall, you’ll pick me up and hold me closer than ever. That’s what a Mother does for her child.

I want community. I have plenty of friends, all the fuck over the Bay Area…. But good Lord… how much expensive fossil fuel will I have to burn in my ancient, twenty-two-miles-to-the-gallon little Subaru, “Venus Ray”, if I want to bask and bathe in the grace of everyone’s luminous company?

Will you help me make friends in my neighborhood? Not that I’m tossing the oldies but goodies aside… just seeking calm, rejuvenative balance in my Life.

A recurring image flashes in my mind’s eye when I’m reflecting on my Path…. I see myself blindfolded, in total darkness… groping about the contours of my environment… feeling for doors and windows… seeking one that opens when I exert focused will.

And when I find an opening, I know it is my Destiny to be brave and step across the Threshold, into the mysterious world therein.

The door into my new Life* in the Bay Area flung the fuck open for me. No questions asked. Within less than a week of declaring my intention to leap… it was like “Yeah Bitch*, walk on through!” So…

This Royal Bitch is walking on through. Trust-walking. But not without a shadowed underbelly of apprehension.

And now for a few words on Bitch* and Life*.

I like the word “Bitch”, because it is evocative. Too often, it gets a bad rap. It is construed as a wicked insult to women. But that’s so thoughtlessly mainstream, if you ask me. Deep within every woman, lives a bitch. Fierce, venomous and unapologetic. But we have been domesticated to the point of near apocalypse. We have been programmed to dull our own swords, walk in straight lines and keep our legs pressed together. We have been hypnotized to fear and reject our own dimensionally vivifying, evocative and intelligent shadows. Fuck that.

And LIFE. To me, “Life” and “God” are synonyms. Life is God’s profound, undulating body. Life is how we touch, feel, know God. And therefore, our Selves. Sure, God’s Queendom of Infinity extends Beyond all that which is that which we know as Life. But if you think about it, LIFE itself stretches Beyond that which we “know” as Life….

Can I truly REST inside the God-ness that IS this Life I AM?

As I posed that fluorescent, flame-dancing question, I became immediately present to tension in my body. The tension of bracing myself against the Unknown. Bracing myself against the inevitability of the death of my body. And in a flash was the knowing that trust emerges in a single mOMent, as the willingness to RELAX, surrender all tension.

Oh, I’m celebrating this Revelation with a deeeeep breath!!!

God, thank you for Being Here. For Listening. For breathing me. For filling me with just enough wisdom and insight to navigate THIS MOMENT. That’s plenty.

Sincerely,

Athena Grace

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