Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

Narcissists

You may have found yourself bewildered and confused by the following personality type. ....

It is well documented, and accepted..That abusers are also often notoriously, narcissists....

Dr. Sam Vakin..The self confessed narcissistic abuser...Shares his thoughts on narcissistic abusers....(And no-one knows one better than him..as he readily admits he is an abuser).

Narcissists are characterized by an incapacity for empathy, and exhibit grandiose thinking and/or behavior, mood instability, gross selfishness, and amongst other qualities, a belief that they are special, entitled to recognition and reward.

Their interpersonal difficulties in the world encourage an often angry and hostile outlook.

Sexually, they tend to demean sexual intimacy -most are misogynists and have a thwarted, and conflicted relationship with their mother - or will be promiscuous, and flauntingly so.

In either case, the narcissist dislikes physical, sexual, and emotional intimacy.

To be involved with a narcissist is an appallingly toxic and bewildering experience.

Practitioners in psychology and mental health more often find themselves caring for partners of narcissists, such is their destructive nature.

Moral injustice can among the cost society pays for failing/refusing to identify such individuals while they inhabit educational institutions, political offices, and other positions that enable their exploitation of position, privilege, power, and status.

Narcissism is almost entirely about control.

It is a primitive and immature reaction to the circumstances of a life in which the narcissist (usually in their childhood) was rendered helpless.

It is about re-asserting one's identity, re-establishing predictability, mastering the environment human and physical.

Understanding does NOT imply acquiesing to them, but it is, as always, the critical step to arming oneself to both protect and to fight.

The narcissist is never whole without an adoring, available, and possibly self-denigrating partner.

Their very sense of superiority, indeed their False Self, can depend on it.

A sadistic Superego switches its attentions from the narcissist to the partner, thus finally obtaining an alternative source of satisfaction.

It is through self-denial that the partner survives. Often denying their wishes, hopes, dreams, aspirations, sexual, psychological and material needs, choices, preferences, values, and much else besides.

She can perceive her needs as threatening because they might engender the wrath of the narcissist's God-like supreme figure.

The predominant state of the partner's mind is utter confusion.

Even the most basic relationships remain bafflingly obscured by the giant shadow cast by the intensive interaction with the narcissist.

A suspension of judgement is part and parcel of a suspension of individuality, which is both a prerequisite to and the result of living with a narcissist. The partner no longer knows what is true and right and what is wrong and forbidden.

The narcissist recreates for the partner the sort of emotional ambience that led to his own formation in the first place: capriciousness, fickleness, arbitrariness, emotional (and physical or sexual) abandonment.

The narcissist idealises and then DEVALUES and discards the object of his initial idealisation.

This abrupt, heartless devaluation IS abuse. ALL narcissists idealise and then devalue.

This is THE core narcissistic behaviour. The narcissist exploits, lies, insults, demeans, ignores (the "silent treatment"), manipulates, controls. All these are forms of abuse.

There are a million ways to abuse. It is tantamount to treating someone as one's extension, an object, or an instrument of gratification.

To be over-protective, not to respect privacy, to be brutally honest, with a morbid sense of humour, or consistently tactless is to abuse.

Narcissists are masters of abusing surreptitiously ("ambient abuse"). They are "stealth abusers". You have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse.

The narcissist often does not keep agreements, does not adhere to laws or social norms, and regards consistency and predictability as demeaning traits.

These unanswered questions hamper the partner's ability to gauge reality. Her primordial sin is that she fell in love with an image, not with a real person.

It is the voiding of the image that is mourned when the relationship ends.

The break-up of a relationship with a narcissist is, therefore, very emotionally charged. It is the culmination of a long chain of humiliations and of subjugation.

It is the rebellion of the functioning and healthy parts of the partner's personality against the tyranny of the narcissist.

The partner is likely to have totally misread and misinterpreted the whole interaction (I hesitate to call it a relationship). This lack of proper interface with reality might be (erroneously) labelled "pathological".

Why is it that the partner then sometimes seeks to prolong her pain? Upon the break-up of the relationship, often it is the partner (but not the narcissist), who usually is unable to find closure and can engage in a tortuous and drawn out post mortem.

But the question who did what to whom (and even why) is eventually irrelevant.

What is relevant is to begin to stop mourning oneself, and to learn to start smiling again
and to one day find love in a less hopeless, and pain-inflicting relationship.

Thus, to invest in a narcissist is a purposeless, futile and meaningless activity. To the narcissist, every day is a new beginning, a new cycle of idealisation or devaluation, a newly invented self.

There is no accumulation of credits or goodwill because the narcissist has no past and no future.

He occupies an eternal and timeless present. He is a fossil caught in the frozen ashes of a volcanic childhood.

(A very good resource support site is: NPDR Helping you identify, escape, recover and rebuild from life with a person who you think has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It also provides an online help forum.)

Bless you for posting this Coral....I can be reminded every day of what I'm married to, and it still wouldn't be enough....they work dilligently to &quot;suck you back in&quot;...no matter how aware I think I might be....it is an insideous, nameless, crazy making abuse....and I often relate trying to describe the abuse to &quot;trying to nail jello to a tree&quot;....thanks again....

I thank God every day I was able to end my prior marriage to a narcissist who also suffered from depression and borderline personality disorder. Poor guy, he was a minister and a therapist, and he really fit the DSM IV definition of all of those disorders.

Anyway in the course of getting myself free, I ran across some great books, for anyone still wrestling with this. One is &quot;People of the Lie&quot; by M. Scott Peck, which helped me understand the pathological lying component and the other is &quot;Trapped in the Looking Glass&quot; by an author whose name I cannot remember, that really helped me.

I found one thing fascinating about my experience with my former husband. When I left him after 7 years, I felt no pain. Truly. I think the years had so sucked out my love for him and my respect, that I grieved the loss of my dream years before I left. Somewhere along the line, I realized, there was no one really there behind that handsome face and the charming demeanor. It was the most pain-free departure I ever experienced. My advice to anyone with someone who really is narcissistic, and not just a few tendencies that we all have, is to RUN!!!

I would say, get help for yourself, and don't even try to fix the narcissist. Its a damaging experience to the codependent who is in partnership with the narcissist, and there are always unhealed places in the codependent that keeps them in grid-lock with that partner. When I got into a recovery program that forced me to look at why I chose to link up with narcissism, I was able to focus on myself and with the help of many loving people and God, I was able to walk away with grace and dignity and not repeat the process.

Fewer than 2% of true narcissists find help in recovery, and very few find their way into recovery, because of the denial and amazingly strong walls of self-protection that make it difficult for them to trust or listen to anyone or anything.

I just found and joined this group. My husband fits this description 100%. I just couldn't describe it. I left on my 6 month anniversary. I feel very raw and wounded. I don't know where to start here in the group. I am very emotional right now and I don't like feeling this way.

&quot;The more free you are from your ego, the more effortless your life will be&quot;. The ego loves to convince us we are victims of others, thereby robbing us of freedom. Once we accept our partner's limits, we go or stay based upon our own. The choice is always ours.

Unfortunately the damage she caused is long lasting and I am still suffering from it a great deal.

It reminds me of poison ivy: If you touch a poison ivy and you know you did, you can wash the affected area with alcohol and it will not spread.

If you don't know what it is you will scratch it and it will spread. The newly affected area will sart itching, you will scratch more and it will spread more.... etc.

If you are being ABUSED by a NARCISSIST and you don't know it.... well, God help you.

What a Narcissist did to me:

She is Highly unrealistic and having Grandiose fantasies: She talked about wanting to be my wife until death do us part. She talked about buying a farm, trips to Europe and Mexico. She told me how good she was to make her business successful. She talked about adopting a child.

Imposed by a sadistic and hateful primary object (Mother): She told me how mean her mother was and how she was beating her. She told me that her father loved her and protected her but I learned later that it was a lie.

Constant failure (Grandiosity gap) leading to dysphorias (sadness): She said how important it was for her to keep her sons close to her. When her oldest son left her to be with his dad and later moved back to Mexico she fell into a deep depression.

Perceived to be odd, illusions, self delusions, lack of judgment: She always seems to be a little crazy to me and I sometimes called her loquita for fun.

Fantastic life stories (Contingent Narratives): She was saying great things about her family and her home town even though she doesnt ever want to go back there. She was saying great things about her school and about the jobs she had.

Addicted to Narcissistic Supply: Admiration, Adoration, Approval, Attention: She constantly admired herself and when I didnt agree she became unreasonably hurt.

Primary and Secondary Narcissistic Supply Sources (PNSS, SBSS): She kept looking for those and the trained her own son to say these things to her.

Narcissistic Cycle and Mini Cycle: Her mood kept changing from Euphoria to Dysphoria.

Gradually evolves into Paranoid: She talked to me for hours just to make sure I will continue to support her and her children, that I wouldnt ask her to leave.

Pathological Liars: Everything she said was a lie: that she loved me, that she wanted to be my wife, that she knows how to run a business and do sales. Towards the end her lies became extremely manipulative: She lies to the shelter about being a victim of domestic violence. She lied in court.

Sadistic, likely to use verbal and psychological abuse: After I filed for divorce she used phrases like: I used and abused you for 3 years. You are a looser, You are a failure. I though I wanted to be your wife but you are no good etc.

I suffered abuse for 3 years and now I am suffering traumatic effects such as panic attacks, hyper-vigilance, sleep disturbances, flashbacks (intrusive memories), suicidal ideation, and psychosomatic symptoms. I have also experienced shame, depression, anxiety, embarrassment, guilt, humiliation, abandonment, and an enhanced sense of vulnerability.

Information on personality disorders can reinforce the perception of victimhood.......

My life began when I became aware of the way I victimized myself, by wallowing in self-pity, blame and resentment, accepted my part (including staying and asking for more)and took the requisite action to recover. There are no shortcuts. As we say in Al-anon, get off the pity-pot and start taking responsibility to rebuild by looking at the past, not staring at it.

I was raised by a narcissist. I am the grown adult daughter with a family of my own of an alcoholic and narcissist. I do think she loved, but my entire life I was confused. I never could put the pieces together and now we've been estranged for the past three years off and on. Now we are back at full estrangement and live only three blocks from each other. My ill father lives with her. I've only discovered after this recent last estrangement that she truly is a narcissist. My whole life has been confusing and I lived in her denial - a painful confusing way to live. I'm now understanding it only since the estrangement. The estrangement has been bitter sweet as it really gave me time to be around other people and see how different it can be. My question - can a narcissist mother ever truly love their child? Was there ever any love there or only when I was serving her? Now that I don't cater to her she hates me totally talks down to me. She's also paranoid that I will share her drunk moments with others. She's still drinking but justified that with her image and living well. Still doesn't stop the mean behavior and crappy moods she gets from the hangovers. I don't want to be a victim of hers anymore, but I do feel so much loss in this reality and feel so much pain out of the love I still feel for my mother and for these latter years. I want to know if a narcissist can truly love her daughter. Is it possible?

I think a narcissist can have fleeting moments of love the rest is to conquer, enmesh and manipulate. It is a sorry state of affairs for the narcissist because why would any one want to settle for such a meaningless pursuit, to conquer the hearts of the vulnerable and move on. In my situation when the illusion was shattered I mourned for the person who never was, I missed the person who I thought was loyal, honest and honorable - unfortunately that person did not exists.
A fantastic documentary Forbidden Lies is a feature documentary surrounding Norma Khouri, the best-selling author of Forbidden Love who was exposed as a major literary fake. Her book had sold 250,000 copies worldwide, the startling thing about her was how comfortable she was lying. Where the average person may fart, flinch, squirm when they lie, a narcissist would fart, flinch and squirm when telling the truth. The effects that they have on those around them and in turn those around the people around those who have been effected is devastating. The only hope is that there is a way to identify such people and have the self respect to run for the hills.

A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...

Today is my 25th birthday, to my somewhat lack of surprise I can see already no one really seems to care. I've always been the kinda person to make sure that everyone I Care about feels appreciated and knew somebody had their back. I can count 4 times this year when I Went out of my way to make sure a "friend" felt good on their birthday, especially if they got left hanging. Its early in the...

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