Dating Advice #141 - A Convert's Family Ties

He wants to avoid meeting with the non-Jewish in-laws. She can't live without it.

A year ago I converted to Judaism, and four months ago I got married to a wonderful man, whom I do love with all my heart and who loves me. We are convinced that we were destined for each other from Heaven.

Nevertheless, we have had terrible fights and are now learning to get along with each other.

For the past three years I have been living in Israel, where my husband was born. I grew up in Switzerland, where my parents and siblings are living. In the last three years, I visited them a few times for about a week. Before I got married, I agreed to his wish "to minimize contact" with my family, since under Jewish law they are technically no longer my family.

My parents and siblings came to our wedding and spent a wonderful week with us. And since they were here, and left, something happened to me. I "reconnected" and feel incapable of going without seeing them for a few weeks in the year. But my husband is discouraging me from going to visit them and it has placed our marriage in danger. Do I have to choose between either my marriage or being able to see my family?

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

As you are learning, all newly married couples go through a long period of adjustment. It is a challenge to adjust to another person's rhythms, habits, and way of squeezing the toothpaste. New husbands and wives gradually discover which "buttons" can upset their partners or make them happy, how to improve communication and the many ways to resolve disagreements.

It is only natural to want to maintain a connection to the family members you care about, with whom you shared life experiences, and who had a great deal of impact on who you are today. And in our experience most converts to the Jewish faith have relationships with their families of origin.

We believe that you and your husband need the guidance of a third party to help in this instance. A sensitive rabbi will be able to help you reconcile the considerations of Jewish law with considerations of the heart.

It is our understanding that Jewish law takes two different approaches to a convert's relationship with her parents and family members. In one respect, after conversion a person is considered as if she has a new soul. Practically, this means that those aspects of Jewish law governing such areas as inheritance and mourning for a family member do not apply in her situation.

However, a convert is still required to follow many aspects of the commandment to honor her natural parents. The Code of Jewish Law clearly states that one who converts to Judaism must treat her parents at least as well as she did before she became a Jew, may not embarrass or offend them, and must treat them with respect. (YD 241:9)

Granted, one aspect of honoring parents is that they are a link to our heritage -- an aspect that doesn't apply when one's parents are not Jewish. But the other reason to honor parents is the tremendous debt of gratitude for all they have done for us. That of course applies to any biological parents. Interestingly, the Talmud cites the example of a non-Jew, Dama Ben Netina, to exemplify many of the most important aspects of honoring one's parents.

Your husband may not have been aware of this aspect of Jewish law at the time he asked you to agree to diminish contacts with your family. Similarly, he may not realize that after sharing the joy of your marriage with your parents, your feelings of gratitude, appreciation and love for them were renewed. He may not be able to realize that if you do not see them occasionally, you will also be deeply hurt and will come to resent him.

When someone comes to us with questions about a courtship that may be heading for marriage, we always ask if their dating partner seems flexible and willing to grow. These are very helpful qualities for a husband or wife to possess, because life always seems to toss us curve balls that throw our expectations into disarray. One partner loses a job… develops an illness… realizes that they cannot fulfill a promise.

This agreement to minimize contact may have been an underlying factor in your husband's decision to marry you. Though you now realize this will be virtually impossible for you to live with. The two of you have to be able to work together to adjust to the new situation.

Hopefully, you and your husband will be able to have a heart-to-heart talk. Of course, you will want to explain how you are torn between maintaining a connection to your family and continuing to strengthen your marriage to a man whom you care deeply for, but are actually only beginning to truly know. It is also important for your husband to explain why he wants you to minimize contact with your family.

Perhaps your husband is concerned that your situation (being Jewish and having non-Jewish blood relatives) will be confusing to the children you hope to have someday. It is also possible that he worries that if you continue to be close to your parents and other family members, you might be influenced to return to the non-Jewish religion you grew up with.

There may also be another reason behind your husband's request: He may feel a need to be in control. Sometimes, a partner who wants to have control in a marriage tries to minimize his spouse's contacts with her family and friends. This eventually leaves her with no support system, so that she gradually becomes totally dependent upon him. He then tries to take charge of other aspects of his wife's life -- her wardrobe, career, daily activities, financial decisions.

From how you have described your marriage, it doesn't appear that your situation is at such an extreme. For example, you've told us that you are working very hard at learning to compromise and adjust to each other -- a sign that you are trying to achieve a partnership, not a dictatorship. Nevertheless, if your husband does have controlling tendencies, this is a serious danger sign, and the help of a trained therapist may be needed to deal with this now, so that it does not interfere with your ability to build a happy, mutually supportive life together.

As newlyweds, you are still learning how to resolve minor disagreements, and a big issue such as this will be a challenge. We can see that you are worried that you will not be able to reach a compromise. This is a natural concern for someone who has only been married a few months. Yet look how far the two of you have come in just a few short months! Think of all of the ways you care for each other and are good for each other.

Rather than imagine that your marriage might end because of this disagreement, we encourage you to believe that you and your husband care enough about each other to find a solution that you both can live with, and that your marriage will not only survive this episode, but will become stronger because you learned how to resolve a difficult dilemma together.

Our Sages do offer a general guideline, a "middle road" to balance both of your wishes: A convert should visit his parents occasionally (Maimonides - Mamrim 5:11; "Igrot Moshe" by Rabbi M. Feinstein, Y.D. II 130).

It is important that you give your husband reassurance that occasional visits with your parents are not likely to cause the scenarios he worries about. The reassurances can come from you, from other couples in which one of the partners has converted to Judaism, and from a rabbi who has a fair amount of experience with converts. Your can talk with your husband about your own love of the Jewish faith, about the fact that as the two of you develop a common history he will be able to see your spirituality more clearly and will be able to worry less, and about the fact that your love for your family is part of your character but does not interfere with your Jewishness.

We also suggest that you meet some happily married couples where one of the partners converted to Judaism. They can share their own experiences and describe how they have dealt with some of the concerns that worry your husband.

We believe that the two of you can resolve the dilemma you face., and that your marriage will become stronger in the process.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

Visitor Comments: 12

(12)
Anonymous,
January 27, 2004 12:00 AM

Sarah, believe in yourself

Sarah,
You are a brave woman to get out before it is too late. Any man who hits you does not deserve you.
The signs of abuse were there when he tried to keep you from seeing your family.
No normal husband would do that - Jewish or not, regardless of any religious issue.
He knew your family were not Jewish when he met you - what did he think would happen when you married, that they would miraculously disappear from the picture.
Any partner who wants to "change" you is another warning sign of abuse.
Believe me, I have seen it in my clinical practice, if you see these kinds of early signs of control issues, they tend to only get worse (like physical violence as in your case) and not better. Only with intensive therapy (during which time I recommend separation to protect the safety of the woman) is there even a *small chance* that things will every improve.
By the way, you might want to consider a restraining order against your husband, because you don't know how he may react once you leave him. In addition, there are domestic violence agencies and counselors who can help you find a safe and temporary place to stay when you move out. You can call (in the U.S.) 1-800-621-HOPE for a 24 hour domestic violence hotline. They will put you in touch with counselors and agencies in your area.
By the way, whatever you do, you might think about keeping your future location/address/place of work, etc. secret from your husband. Most violent men will be violent again. He may try to hurt you if you leave. Be very careful and get assistance from trained professionals who can provide protection for you while leaving your husband.
Good luck, and don't stop loving yourself!
Kol hakavod for getting out.

(11)
Sarah,
January 6, 2004 12:00 AM

You are right

I want to thank everyone who commented on the story; your words have been a great comfort for me and helped to gain an objective outlook on the whole situation.

I want to praise especially the wisdom of Rosie and Sherry as well as of one of the anynomous writers, feeling that my husbands demands are part of a control (and abuse) issue.

He wishes to control every part of my life (contacts to family and friends, thoughts and opinions, learning, money, career, wardrobe); if I don't behave according to his wishes, he gets verbally and physically cruel.

For a long time I thought, if I would only love him enough, all problems could be solved - stupid. We are now heading for divorce; much pain could have been avoided for both of us had I listened to advices before marrying him.

(10)
ilana,
December 8, 2003 12:00 AM

You walk a fine line

Your situation is complex yet not so. With honesty and sincerity you can overcome the obstacles. As a convert you face an unrealistic choice and there need not be this conflict.
Your parents and non jewish relatives are part of your heritage and so long as they respect your religious practices and beliefs there should be no problem. We have to give our parents respect especially where they allow us the freedom to follow Torah ways and values and in fact respect for one's parents is an intergral part of Torah values.
A convert should not be made to feel inferior or embarrassed because of his or her background and that includes being asked to slough off non Jewish family members.
Quite hurtful.

(9)
Johanna Fray,
December 7, 2003 12:00 AM

I was heartbroken reading the letter from the lady who converted to Judaism
and yet wants to maintain a relationship with her non-Jewish family. I am
not
Jewish but I love and respect the Jewish people. I love everything about
Israel and faithfully read my Aish newsletters. My hope is to visit Israel
someday. My point in all this is that I would adore the opportunity to have
family members who are Jewish! If I had a Jewish son-in-law, he would be
hard pressed keeping me out of his life! Hopefully his heart will warm to
his
"Gentile" relations!

(8)
Howard G,
December 6, 2003 12:00 AM

Of course you can see your family

I marrieda non-Jewish woman who converted and I follow Jewish law, not working on Shabbat and saying blessings before meals. You certainly should see your parents and it is outrageous of him to try to drive a wedge between you two. Jewish law does not suggest disobeying a commandment. Indeed, on of the centerpieces of Jewish practice is the equality of women, we don't have multiple wives, beat out spouses, or demand second-class treatment for them.
Call your mother, call you dad, tell them you love them. If they come to your home, if you keep kosher they should follow your rules but they can still love you and you them.

(7)
Michal,
December 4, 2003 12:00 AM

daughter of a convert

I really felt the need to comment. My mother was born and raised in Mea Shearim, one of six; My father born and raised roman catholic in a small village in Sicily, an only child. I and all my sibling were raised orthodox and sent to yeshiva, there was never a question of our religous identity. But Culurally I have the rich heritage of being an exotic Italian and Israeli and am very proud of both. The closest person in my life was my Nonna, my roman catholic grandmother and I remain extremely close with all my family in Italy. Don't rob your future children of their rich and unique identity. For the most part, and my family is no exception to this rule of thumb, the person in the relationship who has converted is even more strict in their adherence to jewish law and embracing what is wonderful about judaism. Don't doubt yourself. You know why you are who you are today, and part of that is who you were two years ago and that person has alot to offer the jewish community and your jeish family. Your children will be the product of what you and your husband create as a home. I have a hadr time understanding your husbands position, and please feel free to contact me if you'd like to correspond.

(6)
Hershel Brand,
December 4, 2003 12:00 AM

Get a grip

In response to some of the comments above, especially "anonymous" I suggest that you get a grip on reality. Sure, It's possible that the guy may turn out to having a control issue, but that's certainly not the first possibility to consider, or even, judging from Sarah's tone, a likelihood at all.
Has anybody here considered that maybe her husband has honest religious concerns here? The potential problems that may arise with their children and Sarah's family are not to be scoffed at.
I concur with Rosie and Sherry that rather than blame, point fingers, or take the high-ground of righteous indignation, that Sarah and her husband seek out a *sympathetic* Rav to help them work out this issue. They seem to be a couple willing to work on their marriage, something praiseworthy and worth supporting.
"If he loves you..." and "He has no right..." have no place here.

(5)
Anonymous,
December 4, 2003 12:00 AM

Hashem tests us to help us to grow

This articles and the comments everyone has made are excellent points. Having converted myself, I read this article with great interest.

Sometimes when things get tough, I ask myself, "What area in my life needs to change or grow from this experience? What do I need to understand about my husband from this fight?"

Not to sound like a lawyer, but what you both need to understand is the details around what "minimize contact" means. Help him tell you what fears are behind this. Is it the children (as someone pointed out), is it the fear that you will not remain frum (perhaps he knows an anecdote to this effect) or is it his insecurity about where he fits in the relationship? Have you had trouble keeping kosher and he sees this as the lynchpin to your keeping kosher or keeping shabbat- that you eat at your parent's house or that they have the TV on? It could be anything.

My final point is this: the hardest thing to accept about being married, convert or not, is not even the system of comprimises that we must navigate. The hardest thing to accept is that there are areas in your life which you may need to change and grow in. Personally speaking, I never considered how much "control" my mother had in my life until I moved out, converted and got married. I wanted to honor her and keep her happy- sometimes to my detriment. And I learned what control I had- to communicate my needs clearly (i.e. no, I don't want to join you at a non-kosher restaurant and eat "vegetables" or no, I can't come on Saturday) and that like rearing children-or so I have observed, you need to be consistent. How many people are on a diet but end up eating something not on their diet...at someone's house to be polite! It just gets worse with loved ones.

Here's the insight- the whole issue of my relationship with my mother came out in an uncomfortable way with my husband. It was easy to start to worry "if I made the right choice" about my husband. Bottom line, he was just pointing out some issues that needed to be resolved as an adult child- my ability to tell my mom what my needs are and to stick by them. The worst feedback I had for him was not that he was wrong- but perhaps he conveyed his message in a way that I didn't like, or he chose the wrong time or didn't make me feel safe and loved when he told me this.

In the end, it's about our commitment to keeping mitzvot- and your relationship to Hashem supercedes your relationship with your parents or husband.

(4)
Anonymous,
December 1, 2003 12:00 AM

"He may feel a need to be in control. Sometimes, a partner who wants to have control in a marriage tries to minimize his spouse's contacts with her family and friends. This eventually leaves her with no support system, so that she gradually becomes totally dependent upon him. He then tries to take charge of other aspects of his wife's life -- her wardrobe, career, daily activities, financial decisions."

Although it may not have reached this point yet, control; sometimes accelerates gradually over the course of a marriage, often picking up speed during the first pregnancy. In the most extreme example- expression as physical abuse- it is documented that this often begins during pregnancy. Any woman who is dating or is married to someone who wishes to minimize her contact with her family should be EXTREMELY cautous. Furthermore, from "Sara's" letter, it would seem to me that:
a. her husband is uncomfortable with the fact that she is a ger- either b/c he has uncertainties about gerim or b/c he is insecure about his own identity or
level of observance and
b. he doesn't seem that concerned about her as a human being.

I definitely wouldn't pressure this woman, and she should be careful to avoid going for counseling to anyone who will pressure her, to stay in such a marriage. She might be seeing just the tip of some serious problems on his part.

(3)
sonia,
December 1, 2003 12:00 AM

he's wrong

If he loves you, and honors the way you converted, he must accept that you come from a family that loves you too, and accepted you and your choice. Thinking otherwise would be to have prejudices, and I think this is not the case. You are a whole and you must honor your family and get him to know them and accept them. I think they are his family too.

(2)
Devorah,
November 30, 2003 12:00 AM

He had no right to make this demand to begin with, and personally I would not have acceded to it. I know many couples where one is a convert, and the situation has been worked out to the satisfaction of all concerned. Many converts' parents are completely supportive of their jewish lifestyle! Much more so than some parents of born jews who later became religious, I might add. I would find out specifically what your husband is afraid of - that your family will influence your children to not be jewish, or what is the scenario he is envisioning. It is unreasonable and unhealthy, imho to expect you to cut all your emotional ties with the people who brought you into this world and raised you, and they must have inculcated something of moral value in you or why would you have become frum? Good luck - I hope your husband relaxes.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

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