Mrs. Jesus Speaks

By this point, Jesus and I had been dating for seven years, and my friends kept saying things like “So when is Jesus going to pop the question?” and “Maybe Jesus would like you better if you were crippled” and “I bet Yimmel the Moabite is starting to look pretty good right now, even with the chronic perspiration.” At last, I got up my courage and I told Jesus, “You can either become a divine beacon of light for the entire world or you can marry me and start thinking about moving out of your parents’ manger.” For a second, Jesus looked dejected, but then he glowed even brighter and he took my hand and declared, “We can have it all! I want you to become my wife!” Which made me even bolder, and I asked, “But what about Mary Magdalene?” And Jesus said, “That was the old me.”

The Vatican argues that the “wife” fragment was a forgery… but we all know how seriously the Vatican takes uncovering the truth.