The media reports at first didn’t have the entire news story posted, and left out key facts that should have been included. The way the story was written you got the impression that his child wanted to leave for a party that night at 1am, and he told her no. You read all these responses to the story about how they wouldn’t allow their child to leave for a party then either, and how they would have known better to even ask.

Within a day they corrected the error, and what really happened?

He and his 15 year old were having a discussion about a party she wanted to go to the next evening. This time of year no doubt it was a friend’s graduation party. That is just my stab at it anyway. Daddy said NO due to bad grades. I feel that is more than reasonable. Keep in mind she was asking about a party the next day, and NOT wanting to leave at 1am that night as the news reports stated or hinted at in error.

It seems that discussion may have been a bit more than heated, and as he states ‘emotional’ than most conversations about rules, boundaries, etc within the home. We may never know what happened prior.

His teenager then left to go into the kitchen to cry, and as teens do at times to lick their wounds. As a parent at that point YOU LEAVE THEM ALONE!

They can get under YOUR skin due to their age and maturity level, and once they get done crying HOPEFULLY you can continue the discussion if need be. You both need to cool off, because we all know stupid things happen when you deal with them in a emotional charged atmosphere. Most parents that have teens own that teeshirt as the saying goes. You are not the first one Pastor Dollar!

If he had left her be? I doubt what happened next would have transpired. He went into the kitchen to ask WHY she was crying, and she told him she didn’t want to talk about it. Crying in her soup is not disrespectful – its feeling sorry for herself. She may have not been justified (and we don’t know that now), but its not a show of disrespect towards you at all. It a normal boundary when you know you can’t deal with anything at that point. You took that too personally.

Honestly? I think of parental statement that is thrown out to often, and shows disrespect for children. “If you don’t stop crying I will give you something to CRY about!” He may not have said it, but Creflo Dollar backed up that statement in his actions.

Colossians 3:21 Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.

You don’t go into a kitchen as ask a question like that when you KNOW why they are crying under these circumstances. You are just asking for trouble (exasperate). I mean seriously TELL me you didn’t know! She was crying due to her own actions, and the boundaries that her family had about grades according to your explanation.

It could have been other issues as well, but I’m just looking at the surface of what we know at this point.

He knew why she was crying, and he needs to admit he entered that kitchen knowing full well that was fact. He should have left her alone. You wait until you cool off, and the teen does as well. You won’t get anywhere in a conversation with a teen if you already KNOW the circumstance is emotionally charged.

I’m not going to say that is the easiest thing to do. Its not in my experience. When you enter anyway like this man did? You are acting as crazy as the teenager is. Your older and wiser card just left the building at that point.

As an adult he should have known he was walking into a ticking time bomb – this wasn’t his first teenager for goodness sakes. This is his youngest I believe.

I have done that myself as a parent, and learned that lesson of waiting for cooler heads to prevail. MOST parents have made this error – don’t get me wrong!

I don’t know his teen, but mine tends to be drama queen at times. She gets this high pitched voice, the tears are automatic, and everything is 100% worse than reality. Yes, it grinds on my nerves. There is no reaching her once she has hit that point of no return. I don’t care how calm you are.

Her stories of woe at that point? You seriously wonder if she was in the same room as you were at the time. When you point out the error in her statements? She tends to wind herself up even more. In reality, she is a very intelligent and soft hearted child. I also have no doubt she will learn to deal with things differently in the future. She is just acting her age and her maturity level at that point. I – as a parent – need to MY adjust actions around her mindset if I want to accomplish anything.

Yes, I have wanted to ring necks in my family. We all have. You learn that is the first clue to LET things calm down, or all hell will break lose.

Since we are the ADULTS, and if we make the decision to push it anyway? The rest of it pretty much is on us, and we need to be adult enough to own it.

Ecclesiastes 3

3 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: 2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, 3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, 5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, 6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, 7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, 8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

One HUGE thing I have learned?

When you speak about things later on? We both hear other – which is KEY! His timeframe because HE wins – per his own statement – causes resentment towards him. Might does not make it right.

When things calm down? Teen’s frustrations over what happened – using this story – could more directed towards themselves for breaking the rules compared to MEAN old PARENTS! You both could also learn to agree to disagree, but your rules are still in place. That’s discipline and living under your parents rules at the present. Its not winning – it just is.

We all know that teens feel they understand everything at this point in their life's, and of course we (as parents) don’t have a clue! Heck I was teenager, and remember that well. lol how humbling it is to find out that my folks did know what they were talking about MOST of the time! Imagine that! Our teens will figure that out just as we did.

When things get THAT bad between us (her and I) normally I part ways, because going further? She has already loss reality, and I may lose my temper – I know this. I tend to go silent, and retreat at that point.

Everyone in my family knows this, and the family giggles about mom going into her cave at times. I don’t want to say anything stupid or hurtful.

I can handle these types of things WAY better with an irrational customer in business, but I suppose that is because they can’t get under my skin like family.

I normally say we can’t talk about this right now, but we will talk about it later. She normally runs to her room, and I go to – well THE CAVE! Asking her WHY she acting like this? Its just gas on the fire. All he did was wind her up like a top!

I recognize the state of mind, and I realize she just can’t go any further. I also realize I also may not be the best to talk to EITHER at that point. (giggles) She isn’t the only one upset at that point.

Don’t get me wrong under certain circumstances you DO want to continue the conversation, but you also need to hold off and realize your mindset at that point – as well as theirs . Is your blood boiling to the point you may make snap decisions? Stop at that point. An old southern saying that used to make me giggle, but nonetheless shows the blood boiling moment for parents:

If you are SO mad that you want to ‘snatch her bald-headed’ – walk away.

At times some southern views on life have a great point, but their delivery for me is humorous. HEY – at least it doesn’t get you defensive!

Side note giggle at this point: Another southern funny I heard recently was from a man called the ‘Turtleman’. He was asked to remove an animal that was destroying the infrastructure of a coalmine in Kentucky. He found a beaver was causing all the destruction, and he was pulling him out of the mine to relocate him. The beaver got upset at his removal, and slapped him in the face with his tail. ‘ He slapped me like it was a bad day’ was his response. (giggles) It WAS a bad day for the beaver! (tee hee – love it!)

First of all you don’t ‘whoop’ (ie: spank) a teenager. Seriously? They are way to old, and that type of discipline is not effective – especially on teenagers. Both versions of the story have the man pinning her to ground, and him taking off his shoe to spank her butt and legs. (difference versions of the choking etc)

First rule of spanking is don’t do this in anger – check your bible! He admitted he was emotionally charged, and that point you know he is upset.

His approach scared the older daughter enough that she ran to get help from his wife – her mother. Later the police were called, and the older daughter's actions bothered me yet again.

She told the police what she saw, but then wrote it in a way in the police report that she knew her parents would approve of. When asked why the conflicting stories? She felt the pressure of her parents as she wrote – they were right there watching her write it. When she was removed from the parents presence, and asked again if she could write what she saw – and not what she felt her parents wanted to her write? We were back at the first story again.

If you believe the teen and her sister’s version of the story – of Pastor Creflo Dollar’s version – both showed a awful approach to the circumstance. Telling your father when you are upset at him – very UPSET at the moment – that you don’t wish to speak about it right now is NOT disrespectful. It just isn’t.

Good rule of parenting? If you wish your boundaries to be respected? You need to learn to respect theirs as well at times. THIS was a perfect TIME!

Its time to allow things to cool off. She needed to cool off, and his actions towards her showed he did also no matter which version of the story is to be believed. Boundaries are NOT disrespect. He should have respected that boundary, but his rage got the better of him instead.

Video of Pastor Preaching instead of talking about about truly happened.

I can’t imagine the child’s humiliation during his sermon. He showed no responsibility for his actions whatsoever. What is worse? He got his validation from his congregation at the expense of his child. You just don’t do that. He disrespected her by NOT giving her the space she needed at that time, and he did NOT act like the responsible parent due to mindset at the time. He was royally TICKED OFF! He needed to admit that a bit more strongly – that he was. It is what it is.

It happens to everyone, although maybe NOT to this extent. Admitting your failure in this circumstances DOES NOT justify her attitude, etc. It does not make her RIGHT and you WRONG! It shows that you are human, and are a sinner as well. I have had to admit to my children when I have blown it, and BIG TIME at that. It’s not the easiest thing to do, and its very humbling.

It also starts the healing process between us. In past my child would come crying to my arms, and tell me how sorry she was as well. How she loved me, and how she would try harder. I would tell her that goes DOUBLE for me! Why? I also failed, and I should have known better due to my age and experience. My actions by no means justifies her actions, and I feel that is something that is left out in this circumstance. We can both be wrong, but for different reasons. There is NOTHING wrong with admitting that.

That certainly doesn’t mean she won’t be restricted from the computer, cell phone taken away, extra chores given that she hates, etc. You want to truly TORTURE the child? (yes, a bit of sarcasm here) Take something away that they value, or make them do chores that they hate. Yes, it can be effective for their age. It shows them you realize they are a young adult (a reality you need to face), and not the small child you once knew.

To me that doesn’t make you LESS of a parent, or an authority figure in their life. To claim that would be seen as to soft? That is a show of coward that does not value humility. Humility does not make a person soft in the way they mean it. That is a stereotype of the culture we see at times. Can we get real here!

My father before he died wrote me a letter telling me things that he didn’t wish me to forget. He put it in writing so I would always have it. One of things he told me is he tried to be a good father, and in some ways he failed but he always loved me. How he tried his best, and at times even his best wasn’t good enough for me. How he wished he could have done more. He also wrote some positive and very loving things to me difference levels. To this day it still makes me cry to read it.

I have to tell you those words were so healing to me. Yes, he failed in areas but he showed himself as the GOOD and Loving man/father. He gave me words from his wisdom he seemed to realize I needed to hear. It just made me love him even more, and I will always remember him with such affection. His good outweighed the bad even before this letter, because I learned to accept things as they were. It it what it is, but his letter brought such healing and so much more love flowed towards him from me at that point.

It takes a good man to admit things, and sadly a person can look and act strong at times. If he can’t show love, grace, humility at times when it is needed? That is NOT strength no matter how ‘strong’ he wants the world to see him.

Pastor Dollar could have used this time to teach about our human side. How we all fail at times. Sadly, he did not say ONE thing that he may have failed at.

I will never put any fault on my children. As Jesus never put any fault on me. I LOVE her with all of MY heart! Amen? (applauds) – Pastor Creflo Dollar

Actions speak louder than words….

There are two things that are for certain in the heart of a Christian parent. Number one is that WE WIN! (giggles and applauds) Number Two is that tests will come that will try to shake your faith. - Pastor Creflo Dollar

There is so much wrong with that statement under these circumstances I don’t even know where to start.

What did you really WIN Pastor Dollar? It certainly wasn’t the respect from your child during this justification you call a sermon. Does her humiliation during your statements make you a winner?

Dear Sir –sadly only in your mind. You may have lost her trust forever, and a huge chunk of her respect for you. That’s isn’t winning. That sir is a HUGE loss!

If you look closer still? You already WON since she wasn’t going to the party. Why did you need to win more than that?

I’m sure some will say that he can’t say too much due to legal reasons, etc. How he has an image to uphold. How his church could suffer. The excuses go on and on over WHY he can’t be up front over his part.

None of us are that special. True grace comes when we admit our error, and ask forgiveness for our part. The devil didn’t try to disrespect the messenger (his reasoning for this happening). Your child got scared because you have acted this way before, and she didn’t know what else to do. This is NOT a healthy fear. As the bible verse states she lost heart. Stop blaming the devil, and stating you don’t place blame on her. It doesn’t line up. Things escalated to that point because you lost your temper. That is loss – not a win.

The bible states our first ministry is our family. I pray that you take this heart, and you stop trying to manipulate the circumstance – and show yourself the man that God would want you to be. The line between fear and respect has been crossed, and you need to mend that by action and not by word for the most part. Your explanation shows that you haven’t cooled off enough to even realize your error thus far. I hope you find a way of humbling yourself enough so that your children can learn to find that respect that they lost for you that night.

All is NOT well in the Dollar family. How could it be realistically?

I pray that you be a parent – and not the pastor. She needs you in that capacity right now. You may lose her completely if you don’t.

Proverbs 29:11 A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.

1 comments:

Anonymous
said...

Thanks for sharing your insights -- all Christian dads need to take heed... and focus on LOVING their wives and children --

Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not irritate and provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to resentment], but rear them [tenderly] in the training and discipline and the counsel and admonition of the Lord.

Colossians 3: 21 Fathers, do not provoke or irritate or fret your children [do not be hard on them or harass them], lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated. [Do not break their spirit.]