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Thursday, September 28, 2006

Heart Pulling

Ciaran is already nine months old. He's healthy and happy, and I have everything I've ever wanted. I have a wonderful husband with whom I have an incredible relationship. I have four beautiful children on earth who fill my days. I finally live in a house in a nice neighborhood. My husband and I each have a job that puts food on the table and allows one of us to be home with the kids all the time.

Still, I think about having more children.

I've struggled a great deal with the idea of being a Quiverfull mom. We want the Lord to be in control of our lives and our family. But I also believe we are expected to be good stewards of what he has given. Another child would be financially difficult, and throw a monkey wrench in some plans that affect the future of our whole family. Yet, I still long to be pregnant.

I wrote to a friend of mine whom I respect greatly. She's always had a great relationship with the Lord. In fact, when we were young I thought I was so much wiser than she because I knew so much more about the world. But her wisdom so surpassed my own, I simply didn't understand it. She was kind enough to share her own struggle with this question, and I was comforted by her answer.

Right now we are continuing to avoid. If God wills me to be pregnant, I will be. And He will provide for us somehow. And I will be happy. I will be actively avoiding, but always open to hearing His voice, praying for His will to be done, and grateful for His gifts.

I have much to be thankful for. And I hope that will include another child at some point. But I will do my best to wait until I hear His voice encouraging that decision, and not my own selfish desires.