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Saturday, July 28, 2007

It's this time of year when schools would ask their students to bring their family pictures. And this is so with Diego--- and Andee. And this is that sort of homework 'bring-me' that gets me thinking again of how my kids will be able to cope up with what is 'missing'. Looking for a complete family picture is hard enough, since the very, very, VERY last happy one was when Diego was just 6 months old, Christmastime.

They brought the same picture. Diego had a show-and-tell in school. "This is my father, mother, sister, and me". Easy enough. With Andee, it was rather.... alarming, so to speak. Her lola showed me Andee's work with the family picture. Pasted on a sheet of paper, with flower glowpen decors and embellishments around the photo, with this short description:

"This is my family. My family is a very happy family but it became sad because my father and mother separated. My happiest moment is when we go to Star City the we rode the boat in Manila Bay. Even my mother and father are separated I'm just still happy because I have still a family."

Yeh. I cried, as usual. Her score and teacher's comment? *10* Good Job.

Thinking out loud: What if they were asked to bring more pictures?!?! The mere thought of it makes me sad cause I'm thinking now of my kids. This whole process that I am currently in to, and I just realized it-- is more like a self-centered thing-- my own selfishness. How dare do I take away suppossedly future memories of family from Andee and Diego? Why haven't I thought of the time when they would begin sharing with their friends where the whole family went on weekends? what movies they watched? what games they played? etc. etc. I remember Andee's face during a father-daughter game at a Family Day gathering in school last year, -- or Diego's closeness to his Yaya Wilma's husband, Dennis when he gets the chance to visit.

And you'd thought what I'm doing now is right. For me? My kids? I don't know. I just don't know now..

Sunday, July 22, 2007

My sister-in-law, Carol, sent me an email with this article attached written by Bo Sanchez:

Let me tell you a story. Three construction workers were on top of their half-finished skyscraper. Rrrrring!! The lunch bell sounded, and the three men sat on a steel beam jutting out of the 56th floor with their lunch boxes in hand. The first guy opens his and groans in exasperation, "Tuyo! There is not a day that I don't get tuyo for lunch!" He turns to his buddies and announces, "Mark my words, if I still get tuyo tomorrow, I'm going to throw myself from this building!" The second guy opens his lunch box and moans, "Tinapa... Everyday, I get tinapa!" He looks at his friends and declares, "Believe me when I say this: If I get tinapa tomorrow, I'm going to jump and kill l myself!" The third guy opens his lunch box and it was his turn to despair. "Galunggong! All I get is galunggong! I'm telling you, if I still get galunggong tomorrow, I'm going to jump from this building and die!"

The next day, the lunch bell rings and all three men are again seated on the 56th floor. The first guy opens his lunch box and starts crying, "Tuyoooooo!" And so he jumps and crashes on the ground. The second guy opens his lunch box and wails loudly, "Tinapaaaa!" And he also hurls himself off the building and dies. The third guy opens his lunch box and screams, "Galunggonggggg!" And so, he too jumps off the building and splatters on the ground.

Days later, during the funeral of the three men, their three wives embrace and weep together. The first wife cries out, "I didn't know my husband didn't like tuyo anymore! Why didn't he tell me? If only he told me, I would have prepared something else." The second wife echoes her statement, "Yes... If only I knew, I would have cooked something else, not tinapa!" The third wife, between sobs, speaks up, "I don't know why my husband killed himself..." The two wives look at her curiously. "Why?" She went on, "Because my husband prepares his own lunch everyday..."

I love this crazy story because it presents a very important truth: all of us prepare our own lunch. If we don't like our jobs, if we don't like the state of our relationships, if we don't like what's happening to our spiritual lives - we have no one to blame but ourselves. Because God has given us free will. He has given us the power to prepare our own lunch. If you want to earn more and be free from debt, if you're sick and tired of your bad habits, if we want to put more joy in our marriages, if we want to grow in our relationship with God - then go back to your kitchen and prepare yourself another dish. Because you design your own future. You create your own destiny. Ask yourself what kind of future do you want to have? What kind of life? What kind of eternity? You decide. - Bo SanchezI have decided. And I'm working on it.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is the first amongst the movie series that I failed to watch on its opening day! Nasira record ko! The book is my favorite read because it is action-packed and shows more 'secrets' in regards to Sirius Black, Snape and James Potter.

Got the chance to see it at last-- with Andee-- lined up for its first screening yesterday morning after work (di na nga ako nagbihis e). We were supposed to be first in line, but a large group of Koreans beat us to it. When the tills opened 15 minutes earlier than the usual 10:30am, there was already a long, long queue.

The movie was ummm.. great?!?--- that is-- IF the screening time was twice its actual length (sobrang bitin!), IF my most awaited scenes were included.... the actual O.W.L.S. exams, Prof. McGonnagal's and Dolores Umbridge's hilarious exchanges of katarayaness (panalo!!), Sirius Black's screaming grandmother's portrait, and of course, the battle scene at the Ministry of Magic. The movie is a bit of a disappointment, as a Potter fan I was expecting more, obviously, much like when we compare the reading material to the big screen (sounds familiar, di ba teh?!?) Those who watched the movie but were not able to read the book might be at a lost, or confused. There was not enough information about the Order of the Phoenix though. Luna Lovegod was casted perfectly! The look, the voice, everything as described in the book-- though not a bit of a background info about her being the daughter of a tabloid publisher. Overall, I'd give it a 6. Sayang. I just hope the connecton between Harry and Neville Longbottom will 'emerge' in the next movie installment.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

After Diego's birthday, their dad called up saying that he'll take the kids out supposedly last Saturday, June 30th, which, as expected, did not materialize. Again he called up Sunday, July 1st to say that he'll be taking the kids out. I was on my way out (ZZZ musical) when he asked to talk to me and kept on questioning a lot of things. In short, this lead into an arguement. Asking questions and imposing on me as if he still has a 'say' to how I run my life got to my nerves. Then he kept on shouting, the kind where he'd make sure that whoever or wherever he is at that time would hear him clearly with what he has to say... "Ang kapal ng mukha mo...", or "Anong klaseng babae ka.." etc., etc. I kept my silence. I tried so hard not to answer back at him. What right do you have right now?!?! No support whatsoever--zero. nada. not even visiting your kids?!?!?! I might say something that might compromise the case I've took almost 2 years now to file.

Di na daw niya ilalabas ang nga bata dahil "kasalanan mo at nasira ang araw ko!!!!!" . He'd now talk to Andee and Diego letting them know that he won't take them out anymore coz 'inaway ako ng mama niyo'. He would call twice again, talking with the kids again telling them it's my fault why he's not taking them out. He'd also tell yaya about this. He'd tell the kids to tell me not to go out anymore but instead take them out because their dad says so since 'inaway ko siya'.I never really spoken bad about him.. not with the kids especially because I don't want them to think differently of their dad. But what happened is sooo unfair. It came to the point that Diego and Andee went to me and asked why I picked a fight with their dad. Ano ba yan??! And siyempre kasalanan ko nanaman. Di ko na mapigil.. I blurted out an emotion long kept from an eight year old. "Iniwan tayo ng tatay mo mas gusto niya sa ibang pamilya!". Forgive me, baby.. I shouldn't have said that.

Now I don't know what I feel right now. I've filed the case. Part of me is saying that finally I will be able to have peace of mind, yet part of me is saying.. after this, what?

If this goes on well, then great. I would be free from him bugging me or harassing me. But there's still that need of companionship that I longed for... and a new sense of reality, so to speak. A friend once mention about how and why couples get together--- a very pretty, sexy girl and a triple-her-size, short boyfriend (when there are men who, physically would be a perfect match). A well-sought of successful bachelor, tieing the knot with a single mother of one (when there are lots of single, successful no extra-baggaged ladies). I started to wonder if there's still someone out there who would accept me as I am--- used, second-hand, with extra baggages. It's a matter of choice-- or a matter of what the heart says.

Right now, I am 'alone'.I go out once in a while with friends to keep my sanity intact, as a favor to myself, and to keep me in touch with the world. So what difference will that make? After all these, if successful, I will still be 'alone'.The only difference is, I will be 'free'. And I'll have my surname back.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Was at the RCBC theater at around 2pm waiting for my team mates to arrive. Half excited and sad since this will be the first time I'd be in great company with equally high- 'sharing-a-true-sense-of-friendship-weirdness' kind of thing (mababaw ang kaligayahan, in short), who are not afraid to laugh their heart out and appreciate gay campiness, and well, sad because it's reportedly the very last of the ZsaZsa Zaturnnah muzical runs here in Manila (here in Manila--read between the lines ..hehe).

***********I was here yesterday (June 30th 3pm) as well, with Ron, my brother mistaken to be a Carlo-Vergara look alike (hello?!?! why not?!?! magkapatid e! Even Ron's kids seem to get confused with the two at times); my sisters-in-law, Marlene and Carol, and of course, Andee. Unlike the first few runs, wherein Eula was lead, language used-- *f-ck u*, *t-ngna mo* and all!--was ok for Andee to take. However, now with K, though personally, it was funnier, I was having second thoughts if it would be ok for Andee. Good thing Andee knew better. "Play lang naman yun e" Bless you baby. Anyway...

My favorite Dodong, hunk Lauren Novero, is playing. In-love ako sa boses niya! My heart flutters and my legs buckles for guys who sing beautifully. At last I was able to see Vince as Ada. He absolutely gave a different version which I also enjoyed. Danda boses!!!!! Very clear and crisp! And wow, his adlibs and take on Ada's lines were hilarious! The only thing I don't quite like about how he portrayed our Ada, is the 'gayness' in it. Sumobra ang pagka-bading. Ada is mahinhin, much like how Tuqx portrayed it. But then, I still love them both!!! Among the Didi's, Joey Paras still has that very warm best-friend-di-kita-iiwan appeal. There's something in this very young Tommy Lee Jones' look alike that hits my heart right smack in the ribcage. Very sincere, very best friend. Nar Cabico on the otherhand, young as he is (16-17?!?) , is a goldmine. And just like the other Didi's before him, he took the limelight. Timing was perfect. Emotions were there. And to top it all, "OMG dude! he's soooo very humble" as one of my team mates would always say. Wondeful choices! Kudos to Tanghalang Pilipino!***********

Maybe I got used to seeing K as Zaturnnah lots of times that I missed some of her adlibs when Eula took the helm. My team mates were really, really enjoying it and I was so overwhelmed that I wished Cak was sitting with us. The muzical just gets better and better and I have exactly the same sentiments as with all of the Zaturnnah fans out there--- that this muzical will have another run. Sadly, not at the near future... coz Ada, Didi, Dodong (and audience!) will have their next adventure in Manila... soon! Abangan ZsaZusunod na kabanata!