lil wayne

The Dark Cristal follows Gelfling Ludacris as he tries to return the Cristal shard to its original vintage bottle. The bottle is guarded by the Skanksis — ten evil vulture-like creatures who drain the vitality of hoes in different area codes to remain young.

Look, kids in the suburbs. I get it. There’s not a whole lot to do other than invent new ways to get messed up. I was a teenage “rebel” once. My sister and her friends used to pound Red Bull and have “hyper parties.” I had a guy friend who used to try and smoke banana peels. One time, I attempted to get drunk off my dad’s O’Douls.

His eleventh studio album, Write Me Back, is due next month (and I mean that’s fantastic because this homage was happening either way; at least now it can happen under the guise of relevance). Now’s a good a time as any to brush up on the eclectic, puzzling, oft-straight-up-questionable catalog of Kelz.

The question is, what if Lil’ Wayne were reincarnated as a basketball player? Who would he be? Answer, in case you’re wondering, is Marquis Daniels. Here are some other projections. Feel free to chime in with suggestions.