Tuesday, August 16, 2011

It is days like today that I miss having someone to do nothing with...nothing important at least. I miss being able to wander around aimlessly with someone due to lack of anything better to do. I miss going to the mall and looking at furniture we could never afford, kitchen appliances that we could only dream of, and wandering through IKEA imagining how our future dream home might be decorated. ( Dream homes come in IKEA dream kits that you assemble yourself ).

It is also at these moments that I wish I had friends that I could relate to and help take my mind off of days like these. Divorce is hard enough as it is, but unfortunately it throws you into a whole new phase of life that you never wish for anyone to experience. My close friends all got married around the same time, which is usually followed by babies, mom jeans, and mini-vans. They now have the babies, and I have divorce papers. Things didn't exactly go as planned.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I am not really sure about the reason behind all of this yet but I am at the start of a journey to figure out why. It feels like I am having to start life all over again and honestly it is a bit scary and overwhelming. I don't know where to start.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

I have been trying to write a blog for going on 2 weeks now, maybe longer...I have written drafts, erased drafts, almost hit the publish button, and then left half-written drafts sitting with no intention of ever finishing them. The problem is not lack of things to write about...its that I have too much. There has been a lot going on and thinking of writing it all out is overwhelming. However, I have to start somewhere.

Despite my great attempts to write a beautifully thought out blog on all the latest in my life I made the decision to just get it out there no matter how ugly the end product was. So bear with me. It could be a bumpy ride.

Now where to start...

Good news or bad news first?

I was always a bad news first kind of girl so here it is:

I am getting a divorce.

That is the first time I have ever written out that sentence. It seems blunt, and to the point but why soften it up? It stings a bit. I never expected to be a 24 year old divorcee. Life throws some big obstacles but I never expected this one would come my way.

So what happened? Well, that is a long story that I am not really ready to tell. I want to tell it, but there are a few things stopping me. #1 My brain, #2 The situation ( no not the MTV situation ) In time, perhaps it will get easier to talk about, but for now I just can't find the right words. It is hard for me to express it, or even explain it-so for now I am leaving it at that.

The good news:

I have culinary school for a distraction and I am experiencing new things on a daily basis. I am slowly getting used to interacting with people and I can tell I am gaining a little bit of social confidence. I don't always find the need to keep my mouth shut, and in the chaos of the kitchen I am forced to open my mouth or get left behind. I experienced my first midterm last week, and although I felt like I was in a bad quickfire challenge on TopChef, I made it through unharmed.

I also find that although I am shy- that I am craving a sense of community or that I am happiest when I am around people. Of course I still like my alone time just like any other introvert, but I find myself longing for more friends and to meet new people. New people still terrify me, and I have to force myself to get out there but it is getting slightly easier and more gratifying.

One of the hardest things about a failed marriage is that you are suddenly left single with all of your friends getting married, married, or married with kids. Suddenly I feel lonely and left behind.

The world seems pretty overwhelming at the moment. I apologize for this post being all over the place.