Hello, everyone! This is my first posting that isn't an introduction. To preface, I am in an open relationship with my partner of almost nine years. Our relationship wasn't open for the entire duration and we weren't always "officially" together, but seeing as I am a relationship anarchist, I consider it all the same because we treated each other the same. It's interesting - He wishes he were invited on more crazy sexual adventures like the ones that individuals and couples extend to me, but I wish I had more sustainable, lasting connections like he does. Anyway...

Something happened a few months ago and it is still bothering the hell out of me. Someone contacted me on Fetlife who my friend wanted to hook me up with a while ago. We had a lot of strange things in common and I thought he was really attractive. He possessed all of the traits of the guys I normally crush on. I've been burned before and I am FAR from socially inept, so I know better than to come on too strong or move things too quickly. He told me he was poly-friendly and had been in a polyamorous relationship before. He initiated 70% of our contact. Our first date was great... Except for the sex and he wasn't a great kisser. (Before you blame me, I have been told by MANY people without any provocation on my part that I am an excellent kisser, usually one of the best that others have encountered. I've also been told that I'm great in bed.) However, I'm the kind of person where the sex is good so long as I like the person. Since this was someone my friend knew quite well, down went the boundaries and I "played" with him and had sex with him.

I just really, really want to firmly establish that I wasn't being overwhelming or clingy. That is SO not my swag.

Afterwards, he continued to initiate our contact via text and would ask me what I was doing, supposedly to make plans. Our mutual friend had moved so she was visiting from far away. Demonstrative of his eagerness, he actually wanted to hang out the very first day she came home, before she even had spent any time with her daughter. Instead, he asked to hang out another day later in the week.

The casual texting continued. One night, we were gonna hang out but our friend had to cancel. My friend's psychedelic punk band was playing at this new bar so I invited him. It really wasn't meant to be anything too personal. The night wound up being great - that bar is now one of my favorites and the bar owners love me... Except he never texted back. Same thing happened when I told him when my friend was leaving.

I shot him some sporadic texts, as the day we were all supposed to chill was coming up and he wanted to know when our friend was leaving. He didn't contact either of us until we both hit him up on the actual day we made plans for. I had been extremely depressed (as was my friend) for various reasons and I had just found out that day that one of my best friends might have become terminally ill. I'm a really, really nice person but because of my romantic disappointments, dating and stuff makes me very anxious. We both had to drink to get ourselves up to snuff to socialize.

The whole time... He ignored me. He didn't ask how I was. He hardly included me in anything. I had to forcibly interject myself into every conversation. It upset me so much, that I had to go to the bathroom because I was starting to tear up, mostly because this was the LAST thing that I needed, given all of my problems. While I was in the bathroom, he told my friend that he thought I had a "crush" on him and that if he were to get a monogamous girlfriend, he would have to leave me.

Ummm... WHAT?! This was literally the second time we had ever hung out. My mind was TOTALLY not going there. Yeah, I had a crush on him... He was a cool guy. We played together and fucked. What was wrong with it? My crush seemed very reciprocated up until that night. I SWEAR it wasn't in my head. Upon the insistence of my friend - who was also really mad at him ("I'm gonna spare you the gory details, but she doesn't ever want to see you again.") - he sent me a letter basically saying that he wasn't ready for polyamory. Me being the sweetheart I am, I told him, "Oh, it's ok. I should have been more understanding." He messaged me about a month later saying, "Oh, how sweet of you! I appreciate your offering to help me out with polyamory." (I was/am going to start an advice column because of the tremendous volume of questions I get.) Thus, in response, I basically told him that he was very rude to me and to not contact me ever again unless it was to apologize, not that it would really make a difference.

I'm still traumatized. Actually, I'm crying now as I write this.

I'm really afraid of pursuing people now and I question my judgment. Many of my crushes have been unrequited so I've become hypervigilant about making sure that it's a two-way street and I never appear needy. People often tell me I'm attractive. (Usually, I get told I look like Kate Winslet but recently, I've been getting Kat Dennings more than anything.) There are plenty of other monsters in the loch. People are always asking me out, but it isn't often that it's someone I'm attracted to. I'm not one of those people who wants what I can't have, either.

Can anyone please help me make sense of this situation? Why would someone project the image of utmost comfort and enthusiasm, only to suddenly withdraw it? He was the one making plans for future hangouts, such as referencing movies "we" had to watch together or stuff he'd like for "us" to do. I didn't do any of this fast-forwarding. I have a feeling I'm more socially and sexually experienced than him, but he's still dated a ton of girls and stuff so that doesn't explain anything. This was also MONTHS ago and it's not that I miss him - It's more that the situation really freaked me out on many levels. I like to just let relationships be what they are. I get uncomfortable when monogamous people try to compartmentalize our connection in accordance with cultural scripts. He said he didn't want to ruin my "expectations" but I never really had any aside from the ones that he set forth.

Any insights? You have no idea how much it would mean to me because this instance, along with some other mishaps, have formed a horrendous complex that is negatively impacting other areas of my life and self image.

If you read all of that, thank you. I'm sorry it's so long. I REALLY need help with this, though.

nycindie

01-15-2014 09:51 PM

I think you are just wasting too much time and energy on someone who isn't worth it. You were disappointed but there is no reason to indulge in feeling sorry for yourself nor in figuring the guy out - let this experience just be one blip on your radar screen as it passes by. Move on. As the saying (sort of) goes: "Don't let assholes live rent-free in your head." His antics don't have anything to do with you, so whenever you find yourself again pondering what happened, distract yourself with something else, get occupied with a task, etc. You have better things to do!

Dagferi

01-15-2014 11:25 PM

Never make someone a priority who makes you an option .

SouthernGal

01-16-2014 12:26 AM

Some people get a kick out of the chase. As soon as they feel they have "caught" you, they lose interest and look for their next prey. I've been there and done that. Forget him. If you're friends on Fetlife or any other social networking sites, block him. Delete any emails or messages you've received, delete his contact, any pictures, basically everything. Empty your recycle bin and get to forgetting you ever met him. As NYC said, distract yourself. The sooner you stop thinking about him, the better. Good luck.

Inyourendo

01-16-2014 12:57 AM

Being rejected is never fun. Sounds like he just wasn't in to you and didn't have the decency to be honest and upfront. Ive met lots of guys like that and eventually just stopped having sex with someone right away. But even then there is still people out there who wait it out then suddenly lose interest when the thrill of the chase is gone.

scarletzinnia

01-16-2014 01:28 AM

Sigh. What you post about is sadly so common it even has a couple of nicknames. "Hit-and-run." "Hump-and-dump."

Back when I was open to having sex right off the bat on the first or second date (years ago now), I found that the world is full of dumbass men who think that if they get something too easily (sex with a particular woman), then the sex, and the woman, isn't worth having. And how much they enjoyed the sex didn't seem to factor into this equation at all.

Just don't sleep with anyone right away anymore. Make them put in the time to get to know you. You will weed out a lot of assholes that way, likely most of them. And please put this particular asshole out of your mind. He isn't worth your spit.

GalaGirl

01-16-2014 04:24 AM

I'm sorry you hurt. :(

Here's how it plays out to me behavior wise --

YOUR BEHAVIOR

Quote:

I know better than to come on too strong or move things too quickly.

Quote:

Our first date was great... Except for the sex and he wasn't a great kisser. Since this was someone my friend knew quite well, down went the boundaries and I "played" with him and had sex with him.

Basically you found your behavior did not serve you well. :(

You state you know better than to come on too strong or move things too quickly. And... you let the boundaries down and came on strong and fast in sharing play/sex on the first date. Could not do that next time. Call it lesson learned, and obey your own limits more often.
HIS BEHAVIOR:

He contacted me on Fetlife -- our friend wanted to get us together.

He told me he was poly-friendly and had been in a polyamorous relationship before.

He initiated 70% of our contact.

He was willing to play/share sex on the first date with me.

Afterwards, he continued to initiate our contact via text and would ask me what I was doing, supposedly to make plans.

He also demonstrated eagerness to hang out with our visiting common friend -- even before she had a chance to be with her kid.

(She declined?) so he asked to hang out with her and me another day later in the week.

We make plans to hang in trio, but she has to cancel. He and I go to bar. Though he came along, he never texted me back afterward.

He didn't contact either of us until we both hit him up on the actual day we made plans for. Then he wanted to know when she was leaving.

We all go out. The whole time... He ignored me. He didn't ask how I was. He hardly included me in anything. I had to forcibly interject myself into every conversation.

So on and so forth. To me is sounds like maybe he is more into your friend than you, and maybe he was hoping that getting with you in "polyship" would pave the access road to her? I don't know. :(

But in your next behavior -- this was self respecting behavior that you did:

Quote:

I basically told him that he was very rude to me and to not contact me ever again unless it was to apologize, not that it would really make a difference

.

You could be proud of that behavior.

Quote:

I'm still traumatized. Actually, I'm crying now as I write this.I'm really afraid of pursuing people now and I question my judgment.

There is nothing wrong with your judgement or your limit. Let me lift it up again:

Quote:

I know better than to come on too strong or move things too quickly.

That's a good limit to have for yourself. You did not listen to your judgement to help you obey your own limit on this one. Instead you made excuse for yourself -- "oh, my friend knows him... so her judgement of his character is good enough." But her judgement of his character is not YOUR judgement of his character.

So you got burned. Could listen your judgement and obey your limit next time, that's all. Give yourself more time to feel out a potential dating partner's character first and make your OWN judgement of it. :o

If you envy this in your other partner and wish this for yourself ...

Quote:

I wish I had more sustainable, lasting connections like he does.

...you could arrange your behavior so it supports that wish. Could arrange your behavior so you give you a better shot at developing more sustainable, lasting connections like you hope for. Holding off a bit longer to see what kind of character the potential has might serve you better in achieving that wish for more solid relationships. You don't have to try that approach, of course. But if you feel like it you could experiment with other approaches and figure out what serves you best.

In time you will feel better. You can do this. Do your self care, heal, and then try again.

Hang in there! :o

Galagirl

nycindie

01-16-2014 04:41 AM

LL, I don't think telling you that you should not to have sex on a first date from now on is very helpful, so I won't say that. To me, that stance makes it sound as if his actions can or should be blamed on you for doing so, and it strikes me as slut-shaming. It is not your fault even if he judged you for it and behaved the way he did because you had sex with him right away. He is still responsible for his actions, and he sounds like he would have acted like a dick even if you waited three or five or ten dates before fucking him.

My best, most fulfilling, and longest-lasting relationships started with sex on the first date - so, I don't think that that is what caused it. As I wrote earlier in the thread, how he behaved has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with the level of caring, empathy, and consideration this guy is willing to invest in - and he is apparently not willing to invest much of himself in any of those things. He sounds rather self-centered and self-serving. You deserve better, and the kind of treatment you get from men does not always have a direct correlation with whether you share your body with someone soon after meeting them or not. if anything, you simply need to develop better skills in assessing someone's character, and/or adjust your expectations, because there are great guys out there who won't get all stupid and assholish if you fuck them on the first date. It wasn't your fault.

LadyLigeia

01-16-2014 04:49 AM

<3

You've all offered me such wonderful insights. In fact, it now feels like tinfoil hat nonsense after all this time. Thanks! :D

Also, I forgot to quote, but no, he definitely wasn't into my friend more than me. I wouldn't care if he was into my friend, as we're quite intimate ourselves, but even though it crossed my mind for a fleeting second, that's not it. I think monogamous people tend to polarize things to extremes... At least that is what I've noticed, but I don't want to paint with a broad brush. You are all right.

Also, I should have phrased it as I am cautious and socially cognizant, as in, it wasn't a case of me being too "intense" or showing too much interest. People usually come to ME for advice in relation to social situations and romance, but it was definitely a learning experience. I'm evidently not free from errant judgment. You've all helped me more than you know.

Thanks so much! If anyone else has any more insights, feel free to offer them because this is the closest I've come to closure. I don't know any other poly people aside from my boyfriend and I so this feels great. :)

london

01-16-2014 06:27 AM

Yes, do ignore the slut shaming that occurred earlier. Sex isn't something you give a man, it's something that should be mutually enjoyable. It isn't a reward a guy earns.

This guy just sounds like he decided he wasn't that into you. Simple as that. And that's a risk of dating. You did say that none of the physical stuff was great, that's usually an indication of incompatibility.

What I would say is that you're so adamant that you're a great kisser, not clingy or pushy etc that you don't leave room for someone to say "actually, I find you overbearing". I can tell already that you wouldn't be prepared to take their opinion on board.