1) If the gang plans a fun
midnight party in the town's old abandoned mansion, don't tag along. Especially don't tag
along if everyone's going as couples and you're the odd guy/gal out. And, if you're the
gang's jokester, you may as well write up your last will and testament while you're
driving them to the place.

2) If friends or relatives come
back from the dead, don't approach them and ask, "What did you come back to do?"

3) If you see a loved one you know
to be dead, RUN AWAY! Many people will ignore this bit of common sense, but remember: you
can always buy a new pet, always have more kids, remarry. . .

4) If your companions suddenly
begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing
eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as quickly as possible.

5) If you're not a main character,
suicide is a quicker and easier way out.

7) Beware of figures wearing masks
that cover only the left side of their face, look like Captain Kirk, are primarily
utilized for tending goal in ice hockey, or look like the motif mask from the Scream
series.

8) Never pick up a hitchhiker or
stop to aid a suspicious person. This goes double if he / she / it resembles Santa Claus in
any way, shape, or form. Just say "No, no, no!" to "Ho ho ho!"

9) If your companions start
turning up dead, make yourself scarce before someone else does it for you. Worry about
funerals and proper burials later.

10) People arriving to rescue you
generally get ambushed by the monster, so don't rely on them as your only means of escape. At best, their deaths will momentarily distract the monster; at worst, you may be
distracted and delayed by encountering their flayed and mutilated corpses at some point.

11) If you come to the conclusion
that the people in your town / county are having their minds taken over by some strange
force, alien or otherwise: DO NOT call the police or any other group or persons of
authority. They are either: (A) already taken over themselves and will turn you in for
processing or (B) will not believe you, probably laugh at you, and quite possibly sedate
and/or lock you up for your own "safety." Either way, you must handle the
problem yourself.

12) When a old man walks up to you
and says "go away or you shall die!"; humor him: run like hell.

13) Avoid men in black.

14) Avoid men and/or women with
pointy teeth.

15) Avoid people with lots of
facial hair.

16) Avoid people with pale
complexion who moan and sway.

17) Don't associate yourself with
people who have access to virgins' blood and speak in Latin.

18) When Granny starts frothing at
the mouth it's time to send her to the retirement home.

19) Your dog can take care of itself...
So can your spouse... And your kids...

20) Self-sacrifice is a bad idea,
as the person you save will usually die anyway.

21) If you're being chased by a
monster and you find one of your friends and they ask: "what's wrong?", don't
stop and try to explain. Just tell them to run as you go by. If they're really your friend
they'll follow. If not--that's their tough luck.

22) If your girlfriend dies, don't
try to revive her with modern software.

23) If a man with pointed teeth
asks you to invite him into your house...do I really have to explain this one?

24) It doesn't matter if their
Lucky Charms are magically delicious, steer clear of Leprechauns!

25) If someone starts arguing
whatever solution you come up with, get rid of them ASAP. They're likely to try and steal
your girl, push you into the pit or not open the door when you need IN! You'll probably
have to shoot them before it's all over--if the monster doesn't get him first.

26) If you meet someone who has no
reason to be there, chances are it's them doing the killing.

27) If the police who are
protecting you from a killer are sitting outside your house in their squad car, they're
either already dead or just about to die: fugeddaboutem!

28) If the locals advice you to
stick to the road, stay off the moors and beware the moon, remember: They're the
Locals! THEY KNOW THE
TERRITORY BETTER THAN YOU!

29) If you survive an attack by a
werewolf and your dead friend, who wasn't so lucky, visits you from beyond the grave to
tell you that the next full moon you will spout hair and fangs, believe him and kill
yourself. The dead ARE experienced and give far more reliable advice than the living.

30) Check your nanny's references
before you let her near your kid.

31) If you are a woman your
chances of survival are much much better if you are a good woman. To be a good woman you
must (A) Be a natural blond. Blondes with visible roots are the food of choice of 9 out of
10 aliens. (B) Be the daughter of a venerable and crusty scientist, preferably the world's
leading expert on things with scales, Latin names or way too many legs. You can
dramatically increase your chances of survival at this point by following in your father's
footsteps and becoming the world's second best leading expert on things with scales, Latin
names or way too many legs. (C) Refrain from wearing makeup, in particular: red lipstick
or nail polish. This is catnip to monsters. (D) If it is too late to become a virgin,
become frigid and make sure people know about it. The no-makeup thing can be a big help
here. (E) Be in love with the bad scientist, at least for the first part of the movie BUT
at all costs switch allegiances to the good scientist the second the bad scientist begins
to mutate. (F) Wear a rip away blouse and learn to faint gracefully. You will be called on
to do this a lot. (G) Hang around next to the bad woman a lot: it will make you look pure.

32) Bad women have only the
slimmest hope for survival. Cast jealousy aside and buddy right up to the good woman. Be
ready to squash the bad scientist like a bug the second his fortunes turn. Loyalty here is
misplaced, he doesn't respect you anyway.

33) Don't take food or drink from
any strangers or new people in town.

34) Look at the film credits and
paychecks of the other cast members: the higher the salary and/or the greater the number
of films, the more likely that cast member will survive. Stick with them like glue.

35) Always pay close attention to
the dying words of any Scientist, military heavy-weight, or person responsible for
creating the monster -- it is at this time only that they will divulge the vital clue for
stopping the evil.

37) You will never be attacked by
the monster when you are cradling someone during their dying moments. This is especially
true when the person was violently savaged by the monster. (All bets are
off, however, 10 seconds after they expire...)

38) Large corporations or research
institutes are NEVER to be trusted. They will put profit above your safety and the safety
of all mankind in order to use the vicious, mutated monster as a weapon. (This, in spite
of the fact that the beast has already cost them billions in men and materials during it's
escape from the super-secret laboratory hidden away at the edge of town.) With their
unlimited resources, they are able to hire vast private armies of security personnel,
apparently straight out of the nations orphanages, since there are never any grieving
relatives to morn them or file wrongful death lawsuits when they are slaughtered by the
hundreds during the course of the film, either by the monster or by the hero while
breaking into the complex.) Corporations are also able to mount vast cover-ups which only
the hero is able to penetrate.

39) Always use the buddy system. Also, make sure that your buddy is slower, weaker, or dumber than you are.

40) Don't be a belligerent drunk. They have a nasty habit of getting left behind by the group and wandering into a deserted
room (= deathtrap) to sulk.

41) If you have a twin, kill
him/her.
They are usually evil. (Of course, if you do kill them, that makes you the
evil twin.)

42) If anyone's ever told you
about your twin that died at birth, or if you're adopted, you're pretty much screwed.

43) Being a twin is just asking
for trouble. Try and be the good twin, but if it doesn't work out that way, live it up as
the evil twin. Might as well have fun while you're attempting to bring about the
reign of Your Father, whichever entity that might be (Satan, Yog-Sothoth, whatever).

44) The annoying nerdy guy who
"knows the secret of the lake" is probably right, but the good news is he'll
also be the first to die.

45) If your mother keeps having
flashbacks to being chased by some horrible monster, and you've always been told that your
father, "died in the war," but no one ever said which war, kill yourself at
once. (You probably can't die by natural methods, anyway.)

46) If your family keeps your
younger brother chained up in the cellar, it's probably for a good reason, do not
intervene.

47) That guy who you think is
there to save you is only there to block your other exit.

48) If you are a hunter kiss your
butt goodbye because you will always die.

49) When you're in a group, sleep
in shifts. When you're alone, drink a LOT of coffee.

50) Never visit doctors with last
names that imply insanity, death, or evil... no matter how highly recommended they come,
you're better off with Kevorkian.

51) If you aren't the main
character, then listen to what he/she says. For the most part, the main character
survives.

54) If you're a black man in a
horror movie, don't even think that you're going to make it out alive...

55) If your name is spelled with a
i in place of a y you will be killed sooner or later. Best to do it yourself than waste
the monster's time. This same rule applies to anyone who's name ends in a vowel.

56) Always listen to the crazy old
lady.

57) If you are a teenager, but
appear to be in your late 20's, early 30's; be extra cautious, you ARE in a horror movie.

58) If you are a bum or drunk with
no connection to the main character, and you see something strange in the sky, you might
as well kill yourself quickly. It's better that way.

59) If you say words such as
'dude', 'like', or 'totally' multiple times each in every sentence you utter, you're most
likely going to die.

60) If you find yourself saying
something like "guys, this isn't funny" or "I know its you in there,"
you can bet you're in a horror movie. Furthermore, you can be pretty sure that you're
wrong; your friends aren't playing a trick on you...its the killer / monster.

61) Think of one person and only
one person: yourself!

62) Avoid people wearing black
mackintoshes, gloves, and large hats, especially in Europe, especially in Italy.

63) Refrain from voting for any
politicians who favor budget cuts and / or work-release programs for insane asylums.