A mother passes on more than just her genes

The mother-daughter dynamic can be fraught with criticism and frazzled with tension, and it can be blissful and gratifying. And how many daughters fear that they will someday become their mother?

Nonetheless the relationship between a mother and a daughter is so primal that even daughters whose perception of the relationship is less-than-perfect will say they are close. Moreover, for women between 24 and 51, more than 70 percent consider friendship an important component of the relationship.

You, yourself, as much as everyone else in the entire universe, deserve your love and attention, the ancient Buddha teaches us. I would take that one step further by adding: A mother must take care of herself so she can take care of her children.

But how do we balance that love and attention for ourselves as mothers and still be there for our children?

If we as moms indulge in too much of that philosophy, we risk crossing into that taboo territory described as narcissistic and controlling. On the other hand, if not enough care is taken for our health and well-being, we might become resentful, angry, or emotionally unavailable to ourselves, and what is left for our daughters?

There is one thing for sure: that sense of guilt we experience when we put ourselves first or worse, that fatigue we feel when we won't allow ourselves a break to recharge our proverbial mommy battery. Your daughter needs you to love yourself because someday she may have children.

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And your son needs you to do the same because there's a 50-50 chance he is looking for a woman ... just like you.

This is crucial because we know the mother-child relationship is the first model of love that a child experiences. And like the old saying goes, you can't love someone if you don't love yourself.

These building blocks that we are given or in some cases not given, largely influence our child's development emotionally, mentally and physically. A friend asked what my philosophy is. I couldn't help but come back to parenting. Treat your children the way you want to be treated -- with love, respect, kindness and honesty. Start there, and the world would be a better place.

As mothers, the reality is that we play a significant role in our child's development and their perception of the world.

Lee Sharkey, Ph.D., who directs the Women's Studies program at the University of Maine at Farmington and teaches a course in mother-daughter relationships, writes "Women grow up and our energy is largely turned toward men, but the original love relationship is with a mother. If we as daughters don't acknowledge that, we're closing ourselves off from a great source of power and fulfillment and understanding of ourselves."

According to a Discovery Fit & Health Get Smart Challenge quiz (one I barely passed, by the way) regarding the mother-daughter connection in an online article "Our Mothers, Ourselves: Mother-Daughter Relationships," 45 percent of sons say their mother was more influential in their lives than their father was. An even stronger correlation to that influence is that 68 percent of daughters are more likely than their gender opposite to see their mother as the most influential parent.

Moms, the pressure is on.

Ah, the mother-daughter relationship -- it is as old as the hills, but we are hard pressed to find the perfect model. Look at the Greek goddesses Demeter and her daughter, Persephone, whom Poet Laureate Rita Dove uses in "Persephone Falling" to capture the modern-day conundrum between mother and daughter. Demeter just wants to protect her daughter from the underworld, but Persephone doesn't see it that way. And Niobe, whose maternal hubris caused the Gods to punish her by turning her to stone for eternity but not before she witnessed the death of her six sons and six daughters. Her children didn't even stand the chance to experience the not-so-perfect relationship.

In "Difficult Mothers," psychologist Dr. Terri Apter looks at the different types of problem mother -- controlling, angry, hyper-critical, emotionally unavailable -- and tries to show ways to break the cycle with the next generation.

"For most parents and their children, whatever the glitches, scuffles and conflicts, the relationship is largely comforting and supportive," she notes. "But for some, there's more pain in the mother-child relationship than comfort and pleasure."

Apter suggests ways to put yourself on a positive path if you are a daughter (or son for that matter) of a mom who is:

* Angry: Don't let your tendency to please others stunt your ability to make genuine friendships. It may be time to let people get to know the real you.

* Controlling: Go back to basics and identify what you want. ... Take time to listen to yourself, catching sight of what appeals to you, notice what attracts you and what feels easy and comfortable.

* Narcissistic: To get over this, write a list of things that you enjoy and in which you take pride. It will help you to realize what you have to be proud of -- and that another person's success does not take away what you have.

* Envious: First, remember your mother's start and finish point is dissatisfaction -- nothing will ever change that. Second, there is considerable scientific evidence to show that pursuing the approval of others leads to greater unhappiness than pursuing what you yourself value.

* Emotionally unavailable: If you accept that you are an adult now, and start to question some of the ways you behave (perhaps you frequently discount the importance of your own feelings, feel guilty when others are unhappy and hold yourself back from growing and gaining confidence), you will realize that a big step in creating a new story for yourself is to confront and understand the old one and make room for new experiences.

I guess as a mother, you have to ask yourself what your philosophy in life is, and then take a deep breath and prepare to pass it on.

Bonnie J. Toomey is a former educator, small business owner and poet. Read more at parentforward. blogspot.com.

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