In this video, psychologist, sex therapist and YourTango Expert Dr. Megan Fleming discusses what to do when sex with your spouse goes from regular to hardly ever.

“We all are entitled to feel pleasure in our bodies,” says Megan. So, if your sex life has slowed down, she encourages you to examine when the shift occurred. Perhaps there’s some problem underlying the change in your relationship.

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61 Comments on "Should I Leave My Sexless Marriage?"

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Amy

2 years 7 months ago

My husband of 47 years has avoided me since our wedding night. We did have sex once and I can’t even remember it. I really don’t know if I like sex. He hated sex, intimacy, love and I found this out after we were married. Maybe he didn’t realize that he hated sex. We were both virgins when first married, we did kiss and hold hands, nothing else ever happened. The first sex was a disaster he told me how disgusting, smelly. messy, sticky and how miserable it made him feel. It was like he dirtied himself and pointless and… Read more »

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KB

5 years 2 months ago

Two books worth reading….
ISBN: 978-0425222577
ISBN: 978-0062026064

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Copyleft

5 years 2 months ago

If you’ve got a good relationship that you value in every regard but sex, then stay in it and get your sex elsewhere, with full notification and consent of all parties involved. Problem solved.

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Terence Manuel

5 years 2 months ago

Usually, the other party is not going to grant consent. Problem not solved.

Now what?

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Copyleft

5 years 2 months ago

THEN you can see that the relationship won’t work and it’s time to end it.

Denial of sex is cheating just as much as getting sex outside the relationship is.

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wow

5 years 2 months ago

Brilliant analysis. I wonder if the court and custody decisions will take that into consideration.

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Amanda

5 years 2 months ago

I think the prevalence of the notion that it’s mostly men who feel they are in sexless marriages makes it even more difficult for we women who are. Culturally speaking, we’re raised to expect our male mates to want sex a lot. Or with at least more frequency than we do. Imagine getting married, and that not happening. Imagine being the one, from the start, who has always been the instigator of sex. Imagine every time you have sex, the sex is, basically, for him. (he lies back, while you do him on top). Imagine him never giving you oral… Read more »

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RR

5 years 1 month ago

Amanda, I read your whole comment nodding. I’ve been where you are — and I heard a very wise person once call what your husband is doing to you “emotional violence”. I think that’s exactly right. By denying you the intimacy, affection and sex that you need — these are all basic, human needs for most people! — when he knows that he is the ONLY person who can give this things to you (if you are to remain faithful), he is inflicting great mental and emotional damage on you. Believe me, I get it when you say that everything… Read more »

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Terence Manuel

5 years 2 months ago

@Amanda. Wow! Very difficult situation indeed. Your anguish and frustration is quite evident. Btw, what is his excuses? Is he having an affair? Well, a lot of married women are cheating due to a lack of good sex….. I was in you situation, exactly. My ex-wife lost interest in sex with me. She was not even 40 and we were having sex once a month. I went through this for over 10 years. Finally, I had enough and in the last two years my resentment and anger was so high I would not even allow her to touch me. The… Read more »

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LF

5 years 2 months ago

Terance, with all due respect you’re doing an incredible amount of projecting in this thread. YOUR ex wife had a particular problem and it becomes “Women are not suited to marriage.” YOU wouldn’t turn down sex and that turns into “Men don’t turn down sex.” There are, in fact, men who have low sex drive or even none. Many of these men feel ashamed of it because the societal expectation is that men want sex all the time. Amanda’s husband may, in fact, not understand himself why he doesn’t want to have sex with her, because he doesn’t want to… Read more »

[…] This is a comment by Kat on the post “Should I Leave My Sexless Marriage?“ […]

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Brando

5 years 2 months ago

Seeking female advice. Why do so many wifes resort to penis size put downs at the end of a marriage? Just to inflict hurt and destruction? Are there any limits to a wife’s vengence ? After nealy 30 yr. marriage wife shocked the ___ out of me by stating: ….’if you think your small ___ is why I married you, ……”. Now I have the ruler out and wonder…. Trying to cope with this shocker after all these years …it is hard to even type this post. Any advice? How do we repair the marriage or even maintain a friendship… Read more »

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LF

5 years 2 months ago

Yeah, I agree with Sarah. There are some women who will say that as a “default insult” when they just want to say what they think is the most hurtful thing they could say to a man. I certainly wouldn’t take it seriously – honestly, most women pay far less attention to their man’s dick size than men do, and it doesn’t even occur to us to judge men by their penis size or give much thought to it. But it’s unacceptable. Forgivable? Said in the heat of years of pent up anger? Probably. Acceptable? No. If you want to… Read more »

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Sarah

5 years 2 months ago

Sounds like she was probably just trying to be as hurtful as possible by telling you that your penis is small. She knew you would obsess about it. What can I say, people can be mean and petty sometimes.

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FisherKing

5 years 2 months ago

I tried very hard to save my marriage, which turned sexless virtually immediately. My wife learned she was infertile after our honeymoon and that was pretty much the death knell right there. Sex became less and less frequent, and was pretty joyless in the event. Then it stopped completely. No amount of talking face-to-face, writing (her suggestion), arguing, wooing or begging made the slightest difference. She refused absolutely to seek counselling. She told me outright that this was not a temporary problem caused by her diagnosis but something I just had to come to terms with. Impossible! In the end… Read more »

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LF

5 years 2 months ago

Nobody said they were “happy without sex,” or that a healthy sex drive equates to immaturity. You didn’t read my post very carefully if that’s what you think it was saying. It’s obvious that you and your ex had problems beyond the lack of sex – she was not honest with you about her intentions. She might not have even been honest with herself about it, and she obviously wasn’t willing to explore the issue at all. That’s not a real partnership. My point was that in a long term relationship there are going to be periods of time where… Read more »

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Kat

5 years 2 months ago

I don’t disagree that a relationship is built on non-sexual things and emotional intimacy as well. Physical intimacy is important in a relationship and sure there may be times or extenuating circumstances where physical intimacy is just not possible. No one that I’ve seen is arguing that. The reality with my one a month sex relationship is that the minute my partner decided to not have sex it was a unilateral decision. This was not a mutually agreed up on circumstance. This was not an extenuating circumstance. That was one individual in a partnership making a decision that affected both… Read more »

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LF

5 years 2 months ago

Kat, I totally empathize and agree with what you’re saying but I think the same thing can happen in other (non sexual) areas too. That is, if a relationship is going downhill for whatever reason, it seems like sex is a convenient place to hide from the underlying issues and a lot of people do that (sounds like your partner did). It was awful of him not to consider your feelings, regardless whether it’s about sex or anything else. It was awful of him to spring that sudden change on you with no explanation, just like it was with FisherKing’s… Read more »

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Kat

5 years 2 months ago

I’m not arguing your point about the underlying issues of the relationship. Of course there were underlying issues in the relationship and the reality with every relationship is that those issues are often displayed in the emotional and/or physical intimacy in a relationship. I won’t over simplify my relationship and state that it ended because my partner wouldn’t put out. That would be crazy talking and it was pretty evident in my previous post that was not the sole reason that relationship ended. The fact that my partner decided suddenly to become a once a month sort of many was… Read more »

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mm

5 years 2 months ago

I like the way you compare and contrast the physical and emotional needs of people. I’ve put it to my own partner in a similar way. It frustrates me to no end that the emotional end of it is supposed to be “more mature” or some such shit. Especially when the physical side of it, at least for me is a pretty constant visceral need. I’d even go a step farther and ask what people mean when they write about “physical intimacy.” Is this a euphemism? Or a just a way of saying, this is how I feel needed, loved,… Read more »

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LF

5 years 2 months ago

No, I don’t think it should be glossed over. It’s just that when you’re talking about sex in the context of a marriage or long term relationship, it’s not really possible to just rub your dirty bits together without that context being present. In other words, who you are to each other is always in the room, and that affects your sexual encounters, or lack of them. There’s no real getting around that. Now some people get around it by having one night stands or friends with benefits or whatever. They just don’t want to be burdened with all that… Read more »

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Terence Manuel

5 years 2 months ago

@Kat….You are so correct. I experienced the same. I deeply empathize with you. As a man, it seems that we men experience this far more often than women. Why just read some of the comments by the women above. The central them is “we love sex, but are not in the mood often.” I just cannot understand it. Is it an illness? Are too many women on psychological meds in America? I don’t know. But something is terribly wrong. Many men express intimacy through sex. However, the vast majority of women do not believe this fact. They feel men desire… Read more »

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LF

5 years 2 months ago

And just to elaborate further, Terance – I go through times when I don’t feel like having sex for a month, and other times where twice a day doesn’t feel like enough. I don’t feel that either situation is abnormal, but simply that sex drive (or lack of it) stems from a lot of different things – hormones, emotional state, extenuating life circumstances, age, etc. And sure, if I’m in a “dry spell” and have a partner who isn’t, or vice versa, I’ll do my best to accommodate him. But really, some of the best sex I’ve had is after… Read more »

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Terence Manuel

5 years 2 months ago

“….And if that’s going on for a couple of weeks or a month and then you have sex? Mind blowing. Calling that an illness? Wow. I wouldn’t miss that experience for anything.”

Good for you.

I would not miss having sex for a week let alone a month. It’s all good. Different strokes for different folks I suppose.

Cheers!

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time enough for love?

5 years 2 months ago

Can’t or won’t make it a priority for a while? When my SO isn’t into sex, I guarantee she’s spending time on other things that also don’t need to be priorities all the time, for a month or so. If someone’s got time to backrub, cuddle or cook… there’s probably time for sex.

During a dry spell, I stop getting horny when I think of sex and instead I get angry.

You say this, and that’s cool and all, then you claim that all women want lots of men and multiple partners adventures. So… are you cool with the women in your life having sex with others? Both parties getting harems?

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Terence Manuel

5 years 2 months ago

Sure. I have two friends with benefits. I do not know if there are other men or women. I have never asked. Funny thing though; both have asked me if there was another woman. I told them the truth. Obviously, they are comfortable with this as I am still their friend. We go out, go on dates etc. I genuinely like and care about them and their lives. I have known them for several years…. However, sex with them has been only for around a year and a half or so. I also date and ask out other women. But,… Read more »

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LF

5 years 2 months ago

Well it’s not just a matter of having time. I like to be completely engaged in sex, physically and emotionally, and I don’t know any man who wouldn’t prefer his partner to be totally into it and not just going through the motions to please him (not that I don’t ever do that, but it’s just not as good for either of us).. Sometimes, what I need in order to recharge the sexual batteries is not more sex, it’s other stuff that isn’t quite so intense, and then when we do have sex it’s that much more special and more… Read more »

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time enough for love?

5 years 2 months ago

Yeah, it’s a problem. It sucks. Though I certainly don’t mean “angry” in any violent sense of the word. Maybe resentful would be a better word. Because I resent the hell out having entrusted an important part of my life to one person who doesn’t seem to be that interested in it.

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LF

5 years 2 months ago

In other words, anybody who doesn’t have the same sex drive you do has a mental illness or a hangup? LOL… I think I’m starting to see why you haven’t been too successful in the relationship department. I could just as easily say that you have a mental illness because you want too much sex. The fact of the matter is, people have different sex drives (both men and women do) and it also changes over the course of our lives. This is something that in a long term relationship you are GOING to have to deal with, both in… Read more »

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JustAMan

5 years 2 months ago

“I do believe and understand that many men express intimacy through sex. And there’s nothing wrong with that, but I think you also need to cultivate intimacy through other means than sex,”

In other words, LF to partner: I love you. Now change.

Why? Who are you to tell another human being how to feel?

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LF

5 years 2 months ago

Wow… projecting much? I don’t ask anyone to change. If I have to explain to a guy what the benefits of emotional intimacy are, there’s no way I’m going to be attracted to him to begin with. And I’m certainly not “telling anyone how to feel.” It’s advice, that’s all – you can take it or leave it. But it seems to me that sex alone, at some point, doesn’t cut it in terms of expressing intimacy, and one needs other tools in the toolbox. If it’s working for you, more power to ya, but I doubt it will work… Read more »

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Terence Manuel

5 years 2 months ago

“I think I’m starting to see why you haven’t been too successful in the relationship department.” I don’t desire another relationship since my divorce. i have two friends with benefits. These women are well educated professional who simply do not care for marriage or any long term relationships. Things work just great with them. I did not mean to imply all women with low libido were sick, on drugs or had hangups. There is one thing for certain about us Americans though; we are some really sexually repressed people. I have lived abroad and dating women from South America. They… Read more »

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Sarah

5 years 2 months ago

Terence, I think you misinterpreted my earlier comments. I love sex, I have a sex drive, and I can get very turned on, but it is unfortunately the case that my libido has slipped. So has my boyfriend’s. We’re in our 40’s. We both have some minor health problems (I get migraines and have neck pain from a protruding disk in my neck, he has sciatica). That puts a damper on things sometimes. I’m not on anti-depressants. We have sex twice a week, sometimes 3 times a week. I’d actually be happy to have more sex because the more sexual… Read more »

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Trevor Jones

5 years 2 months ago

Twice and sometimes three times a week??? To me that’s quite a good lot! Like you I’m in my forties and I consider myself very lucky with my ordinary once a week. I guess it’s just the way life went for me. Before meeting the woman who’s been with me the last fifteen years (married the last ten) I would have definitely appreciated, as a single young man, sex once a month (no college banging, i’m afraid). My long term relationship has meant getting more often and better sex and marriage had a lot to do with that, as we… Read more »

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FisherKing

5 years 2 months ago

And what if, despite doing all this great non-sexual stuff, which I agree about, your life remains in the toilet? The marriage was my second long term relationship with long term sexual frustration. There will not be third. My needs are reasonable. It is absolutely not the case that a need for physical intimacy is a “retreat into some more superficial version of sex and romance”. The topic is sexless marriages: you are describing something else, something I would like to have.

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The Wet One

5 years 2 months ago

Errr… Fisherking, it’s called paying for it. That way lies happiness of a sort. Of course, if you could have the sexless wife, plus pay for play and the ability to afford it, you have the best of all worlds. A loving wife and a blazing sex life. Of course, as structured, marriage really isn’t designed to merge these two, but the accepted lie is that this is possible. Quit living a lie. Seize the life that you want. No one is going to give it to you. That said, I wonder in trepidation about these things too as I… Read more »

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LF

5 years 2 months ago

Well once again I think you’re reading some things into my post that I didn’t say. I’ve already agreed that I don’t think your marriage was worth saving, because your wife wouldn’t address the issue honestly and was not willing to consider your desires at all. And I don’t think that a need for physical intimacy is, in itself, a retreat into a more superficial version of sex and romance. I’m referring to a specific kind of attitude toward sex and/or romance that seems, to me, to lead to a lot of sexless marriages. And I think some of it… Read more »

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The Wet One

5 years 2 months ago

With respect to the article, I don’t think that people should leave their sexless marriages. Marriage, traditionally speaking, was about a whole lot of things. Sexual fulfillment and happiness were neither of those things. We expect to much of marriage. As such, we should experience the let downs of marriage for the rest of our lives as intended. That’s what “Till death do us part” means. Suck it up buttercups. If you wanted hot and sexy for the rest of your days, you would have decided to stay single and either say “Yes” if female and paid for it if… Read more »

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LF

5 years 2 months ago

I wouldn’t put it quite so cynically, but I agree with the general gist of what you say. The difference being that I don’t think it’s such a horrible thing. In a long term relationship there are a lot of things IMO that should take precedence over sex, and some people just can’t wrap their heads around that. They have what I’d say is a pretty immature attitude about sex and relationships. I agree, if you get married or have a long term partnership and expect the sex (or much else about the relationship for that matter) to be like… Read more »

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Kat

5 years 2 months ago

I lived with a once a month man when I decided that I didn’t want to do open relationships anymore. I have an active libido and once a month on Tuesday night just was not meeting my needs and like the one commenter I even stopped doing that because it was entirely too frustrating and begging for sex the rest of the month kind of ruined that one time for me. I’ve had good open relationships which started as open relationships after a very short period of monogamy. I don’t think that’s the answer to the sexless marriage but I… Read more »

The bit where you said all women weren’t suited for marriage wasn’t an assumption, then?

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Sarah

5 years 2 months ago

I am not married but I am in my 40’s and I’m in a long term relationship. I’ve always had a pretty strong sex drive, but my libido has taken a hit as I’ve gotten older. Sometimes I admit, sex is not as exciting as it used to be. My partner and I are not always in sync. When I’m really horny, he’s tired, and visa versa. I know it’s kind of a stereotype, but he really has an on-off switch while I’m like a dial. I need to have a little ongoing teasing and flirting to keep me interested… Read more »

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Terence Manuel

5 years 2 months ago

“…..Also, having sex at exactly the same time in exactly the same way 3-4 times a week just feels like a chore to me. I want to experiement, I want different positions, I want to try new things.” Is this not what I said above about many married women? In away, you validate my position. Well, at least I have to commend you suggesting and asking for different things in the bedroom. Most married women do not and just seem uninterested in sex with their husbands. Later you wrote, ” I want to have crazy exciting sex but it’s stressful… Read more »

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Archy

5 years 2 months ago

Not to assume your health status, but I’ve heard that a small amount of testosterone can boost a woman’s libido quite a bit, especially in older women. When you say it’s reducing with age, is that from life weighing you down or could hormones have an effect?

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Sarah

5 years 2 months ago

I think it’s hormonal changes, probably. When I was in my 20’s, I thought about sex all the time. Now it just doesn’t cross my mind as much. I have to make a mental effort to get turned on; I have to consciously and intentionally think sexy thoughts. Sexy thoughts just don’t spring into my mind the way they used to. Don’t get me wrong, I still love sex, but things have definitely changed. Luckily, I do get in the mood, it just takes some effort sometimes.

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Terence Manuel

5 years 2 months ago

“Sexy thoughts just don’t spring into my mind the way they used to. Don’t get me wrong, I still love sex,…..”

How do you love sex but sexy thoughts just don’t spring into your mind….? God, I tell you I will never understand women. That’s why I gave up years ago.

I have friends with benefits. We always have sexy thoughts and sex. It’s all is good too!

Life is Good!

Cheers!!!

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Sarah

5 years 2 months ago

LF is correct, it’s not that I don’t get turned on anymore, it’s just that sex is not on my mind all the time like it was when I was younger. If I think about sex, I still get those sexy feelings. But they aren’t as spontaneous as they used to be. I don’t like this change in myself but there doesn’t seem to be much I can do about it. for what it’s worth, my boyfriend says his libido has slowed down too. What can I say, it sucks to get older.

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LF

5 years 2 months ago

Well consider yourselves fortunate if you both have slowed down and it’s not just one of you! 🙂 And that kind of speaks to what I was saying too – maybe it’s not really so bad getting older and prioritizing other areas of the relationship. Maybe your feelings that it sucks stem from societal expectations of what your sex life is “supposed” to be like vs. what it really is. And maybe the sex that you do have will be more awesome if you accept that it will be less frequent and don’t think it’s a big deal. Which may,… Read more »

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LF

5 years 2 months ago

Apart from the fact that women are all different individuals just like men are, it’s not hard to understand Sarah’s statement really. It just means that once she gets turned on, she still loves sex, but it takes more effort now for her to get turned on.

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Archy

5 years 2 months ago

I’m wondering if a booster of hormone/s would help? I’m wondering if it’s possible to go back to how it was?

Indeed. Please, a little thought before suggesting a woman eat hormones chronically in order to have sex on a schedule that pleases someone else, whether the hormones are intended to boost libido or prevent pregnancy. They’re potent, systemic drugs.

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Terence Manuel

5 years 2 months ago

Well, I did leave my marriage for this very reason. Usually the issues are deeper. So, unless you can resolve these deeper issues, I see little hope in remaining in the marriage. Eventually, one or both will get sex elsewhere. I elected to file for divorce instead of going down the road of unfaithfulness. My advice to any couple considering marriage or any other long-term relationship is to discuss sex BEFORE getting deeply involved. From my experience and speaking to other men, it is usually the women who lose interest. Not blaming the women, just reporting what I have seen… Read more »

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LF

5 years 2 months ago

Women are not suited for marriage and need variety all the time? What a bizarre statement. Many men are like this too. It’s an individual thing, really.