Dirty
Jokes II

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a
building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground
floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on
the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I",
pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand
back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor
nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts
masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he
runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your
problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was
just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

One day an at home wife is alone and the
doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony
home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the
store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence
the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I
have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures,
what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to
him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred
bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says
"That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give
you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them
together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit
about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives
Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the
store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris
came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says,
"Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to
explain to her class the definition of the word
"definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a
good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a
sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky
is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't
entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is
definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass
doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really
correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the
teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him
and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask
in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I
definitely shit my pants."

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off
dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for
twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like
mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt
they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand
dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like
mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the
auction."

The queen of England was visiting one of
Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed
a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen,
"That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains,
"I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition
where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that
five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die
instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a
young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in
there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better
health plan."

A little boy and his grandfather are raking
leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get
back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that
worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll
bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back
in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of
hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a
board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The
grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray
and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the
boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you
already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I
know. That's from your Grandma."

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of
math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher
calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and
you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks
the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one
of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly
off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you
shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking."
the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for
you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one
is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking
on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the
question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's
sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has
the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're
thinking!"

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that
looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications;
won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone
perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm
Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't
run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think
you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their
parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day.
They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed
home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because
she couldn't sleep.

When she went past her oldest daughter's room
she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and
she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room
and she couldn't hear anything.

The next morning when the men left the mother
asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last
night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if
something hurt I should scream."

"That's true." She looked at her
second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last
night?"

The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something
tickled you should laugh."

"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest
daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

The youngest daughter replied "Mom you
always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

A depressed young woman was so desperate that
she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When
she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her
tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to
live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can
stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you
food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her
shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me
happy."

The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she
have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her
in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three
sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until
dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search,
she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the
captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have
an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe,
and he's screwing me."

The captain looked at her, "He sure is
lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids
talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes
to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a
pussy?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quick
and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a
cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks
"What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens
to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."

The son walks away still confused, and sees
his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and
says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to
miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse
magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around
the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"

The son, now starting to understand what the
older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the
chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said
"Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied,
"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good
girls and boys."

So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she
asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney
with my dick this way!"

A woman and her little boy were walking
through a park in New York and they pass two squirrels having sex.
The little boy asks his mom, "Mommy, mommy, what are they
doing?" The lady responded, "They're making a
sandwich." Then they pass two dogs having sex and the little
boy again asks what they were doing. His mother again replied they
were making a sandwich. A couple of days later the little boy walks
in on his mother and father and said "Mommy, Daddy, you must be
making a sandwich because, Mommy has mayonnaise all over her
mouth!!!"

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and,
feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't
we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at
the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the
night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and
started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again
and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment
tomorrow, do you?"

Two five year old boys are standing at the
toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on
it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other
replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started
talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no
excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical
condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male
student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and
the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student,
and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to
write."

A woman is in the delivery room giving birth,
the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out.
The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes." To
which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty
good, so I decided to give them a try.�

The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push
again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy Shit, your
baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard
them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a
try," she said.

The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that
will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy Shit! Your
baby has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them
black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try,"
she said.

So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and
slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the
woman and asks, "How are you going to deal with a baby who has
slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?" The woman replies
"I'm just glad it didn't bark!"