Hello, can I have your attention please? Can everybody hear me in the back?

Alright, hello again and welcome to another summer solstice get-together. My name is Brother Spartacus. For you new inductees, I am indeed a descendant of one of our founders. I’m not allowed to say which, of course. But let’s just say my family really put the “naughty” in “Illuminati”.

Anyway, I just wanted to take this time to thank each of you for all your hard work. I see the Economy Department over there. Great work, you guys. The United States is even further into debt thanks to those forged trade agreements you left in the Chinese embassy. And nice work with that Cash for Gold scam. Soon the American dollar will be backed by aluminum and people will be forced to recycle. Give them a hand, everybody.

And there’s the Science crew. Really stellar work on the food studies reports, fellas. The fact that trans fat actually prolongs human life by forty years is now our little secret. And because everyone thinks omega 3 oils are beneficial, our greatest enemy, the white albacore tuna, will soon be extinct. Oh, and nice work shutting NASA down. We can finally launch our satellite-mounted laser without federal interference. Another round of applause for the Science team.

And, of course, the Arts and Entertainment division. Through your manipulation of Hollywood, the number of literary adaptations have dwarfed movie reboots and sequels five to one. Television and books are popular again, leading to the triumphant return of Reading Rainbow. And I don’t need to tell you how important that’s been to the Order. By this time next year, who knows? Ghostwriter 2.0 could very well be a reality. Great job, guys.

Before I forget— Assassination Department? Are they still here? Ah, there you are. For the life of me, guys, I honestly couldn’t tell between the real celebrity deaths and the staged ones this year. I mean, wow. I haven’t seen such fine work since Zachary Taylor. Excellent work, as always. Let’s make some noise for the assassins, folks.

You know, it’s fine cult members like all of you that convince me that this planet is finally ready for a New World Order. I’m sorry, did I say this planet. I meant the planet. As in, there’s only one habitable world in our galaxy. You know what, forget I said anything.

Anyway, there’s still some shrimp left and nobody’s leaving until the keg’s empty so let’s get this party started!