Pages

Saturday, December 27, 2014

I've been a fan of Alexander McQueen since his fall 2006 RTW runway show. As someone who's always been drawn to creepy old things and castles and SCOTLAND, I thought it was amazing. Plus, the runway floor was a really cool worn-down wood and I was like OMG SO KEWL, SO KEWL IS THIS WOOD OH WOW!

This is the same show where a ghostly hologram of Kate Moss appeared and everyone peed their pants and screamed, clutched their pearls, tweeted (JUST KIDDING no Twitter yet) about it, farted some, etc.

I was also a fan of Alexander McQueen during that same time, because celebs were wearing his infamous skull scarf and they were so. cool. Anything with skulls was cool. I still think skulls are cool. They're cool, cause everyone has one! Skulls for all! You don't have to worry about feeling left out when it comes to having a skull. Skulls are for everyone.

A couple years ago I finally received a skull scarf of my very own, and I was very blessed and humbled by the experience of receiving a very expensive, thin item.

The first day I wore it, I spilled coffee on it. Since that day I've received a few more McQueen items, including a ring, embroidered bee shoes (see previous post here), and another scarf for Xmas a couple of days ago (see here). I also bought someone an Alexander McQueen cardholder for Xmas this year, which will be returned on Monday when the post offices are open and willing to accept frantic-faced gift-giving failures like me into their fold. "COME TO US!" they will scream, as we rush forth with our parcels held out from our bodies as if we held a plate filled with poo. "TAKE THESE BACK!" we will holler, "THEY ARE UNWANTED ITEMS OF SHAME AND THINGS OF THAT NATURE" and the post office clerks, they will stand there - rubbing their hands together in glee. For they know that they will make not one, but two sales that day. The sale of either a box or an envelope, whichever one fits your parcel. It's up to you, as long as long as the package can be fastened shut so your parcel doesn't fling itself off an airplane. The second purchase will be the exorbitant fee you pay to send the parcel back to wherever it came from! BYE!

Here is a fantastic 3-part haiku I wrote to illustrate what's wrong with the ring, shoes and cardholder. I spent alot of time on these* and would really appreciate your respect.

Oh this ring of mine!
One quick knock, and you're battered
Like a decent fish

These bee covered shoes
Such beauty - such blister. Ow!
Did my feet have skin?

This should not come as a surprise, as dollar value does not always equal quality. Not that I paid full price for any of these items, or paid for some of them at all. But that's not the point. The point is that products should do what they are told! If I'm telling a card-holder to hold cards, it should hold cards instead of releasing them into the wild, thirty seconds later. Shoes should not be made of an odd plastic material on the insides, so that the top layer of skin basically falls off your feet and you have to continue walking along King street in the 25 degree weather pretending you're sooo cool and soooo not in horrible pain and that your feet have sooooo much skin on them. The ring, I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't swing my arm around so much and bash it into things. It has many dents. Many, many dents.

So I wrote to Alexander McQueen (the company, not the man) and whined about these products. Mostly because I was afraid the company I bought the card holder from would not honour my return. Because that's what they said on the phone. They then told me to contact Alexander McQueen directly to try returning the product,, and I said "but he's dead!" And they said "lol - the company silly, not the man!"
But when I emailed that same company instead of calling again, they said ok. I MEAN ALRIGHT, THEN.

I didn't expect Alexander McQueen (the company, not the man) to care, because they have many, many horribly rich clients and I'm just a person from this place here. But my point, which as usual is unclear and completely meaningless, is to not spend money on products unless you know they don't suck!

I hope that one day the Alexander McQueen company replies to me and offers me a 75% discount on all their products, from now until the year 2060. In the email I sent them, I made two typos that were pretty bad, but I also mentioned how I visited Alexander McQueen (the man, not the company) on the Isle of Skye. The grave, not the man. I hoped they would read that part and as a single tear fell onto their cheek (one cheek spread across the office) they would know that I truly care.

Here is photographic evidence that I was at his grave, btw:

He's not really buried here. His ashes were scattered on this beautiful island, and I mean that it's actually beautiful and I'm not complaining about the island being ugly in a failed sarcastic way.

Anyway, knowing this, they will know I'm a true fan and that I should be treated with more respect and importance than Angelina Jolie. Knowing this, I will continue shopping at Winners and not at Holt Renfrew where a security guard once tried to do a sneaky-glance into my shopping bag. I will continue accepting gifts purchased at Holt Renfrew, though.