Tuesday’s Workwear Report: ‘Marru’ Semi-Sheer Silk Blouse

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

We feature a lot of blouses with buttons, and lately readers have been saying that they prefer pullover styles. I like this blouse from Joie because it has long-ish sleeves but still looks lightweight for summer, and it’s a different sleeve length than I’ve seen before. It’s flattering, and it has great reviews, and I like the pleats down the front and the general simplicity of the top. It’s $208 at Nordstrom in navy, black, and porcelain in sizes XS-L, as well as at Zappos and Neiman Marcus. (This version from Joie has shorter sleeves and is $188.) ‘Marru’ Semi-Sheer Silk Blouse

Comments

Does anyone have the Emma dress from MM LaFleur? I’m thinking about getting it, although I have a significant preference for machine washable and travel-friendly items, but I’m willing to deviate from that if something is pretty and comfortable enough?

I have the Emma in a deep teal color from a previous season and love it. I have traveled with it without any wrinkle issues. I am allergic to wool but have no issues with itching thanks to the lining. It is not quite as comfortable as my other MM LaFleurs because it’s more structured and less stretchy, but still plenty comfortable.

Three years ago, on Thanksgiving day, I went into preterm labor and lost twins at 21 weeks.
It was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life.

Yesterday I found out I’m pregnant… with twins. Again.
I’m excited (as if in some way the universe might be repaying us for what was taken from us), and an anxious mess, for obvious reasons.

I have had a very strong support group of other mothers who lost twins, but I don’t know anyone who lost twins and then had twins again. I need support and am wondering if someone out there might have gone through this….?

I have 2 year old twin boys. I am so sorry for your loss and can’t imagine the anxiety you are feeling being pregnant with twins again. I am a member of a Mother’s of Multiples (MOMS) group and there are a number of women in my group that have lost one or two babies and then went on to have twins. I would recommend joining your local MOMS organization and reaching out to people there. I bet you’ll find a lot of support. I’m thinking of you! Please keep all of us here updated.

I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine how painful that must have been. I have a friend who carried her twins to full term, and they were stillborn. She later went on to have three beautiful children (no twins though). Her resilience in the face of such tragedy still brings tears to my eyes, years later. If you leave your email I’m happy to connect you both. Sending you big hugs.

I am so sorry for your loss. I myself am a mother of twins, born prematurely at 31 weeks. I have a friend who lost twins somewhere around the same point that you did, maybe a little later … and then she became pregnant with triplets and carried them to 34 weeks! I might suggest you contact your local hospital and see if they have a SHARE group – they deal with birth losses and traumas. Best of wishes to you.

Philly peeps- any recs for a tailor in Center City that has experience with Indian clothing? I have a saree blouse (very intricate beading etc) that is way too tight and I need a rush job on letting it out in the sleeves and around the bust. I don’t trust it with a regular tailor.

I would look for an Indian tailor – no knock against Western tailors’ skills, but it’s just not something they’ve likely done before.
There’s also the option of going via informal Indian community connections to find a mom/grandma of a family who doesn’t have an official tailoring business, but does these sorts of things on the side (but make sure to ask a friend who’s used her before given your tight timeline!).

You could call the big Indian grocery store in Cherry Hill, NJ and see if they know of a local tailor (many post little ads on a bulletin board in the store). There’s also a popular threading salon in Philly run by an Indian woman (name escapes me) — they might have a lead.

Barring that, I would take the blouse to someone who specializes in wedding dresses — they should know how to let out the hem at the sleeves and bust and they’re experienced with lots of detail, embroidery, etc.

There used to be an Indian clothing store on chestnut St and 20th next to the pizza place on the northern side of chestnut. They sold lots of Indian paraphernalia, INCL clothing. Not sure if it is still there but you should try- agree with the threading lady too, also blanking on her name. The owner of Rudra fashions in Exton is also very nice- you could call her- she has a lot of contacts.

I’m 5’8″ with a disproportionately long torso – I love Boden’s wrap swimsuit – it is the only regular-sized one piece (other than workout suits like Speedo and TYR) that has ever worked on me. Lands End and Athleta both have long sizes, as well. I have and like one from Athleta; I’ve never tried Land’s End.

Is the one-piece for coverage or for working out? I’m 5’4 but have a longish torso and get wedgies from most one-piece suits. For swim workouts I just use a sport two-piece. Way more comfortable! (And I didn’t need to buy a different maternity suit when I was pregnant. Win!) TYR and Arena make them – search for workout two piece suits at SwimOutlet.

If it’s for coverage, I think Athleta makes decent tankinis. Alternatively, try a bathing suit bottom and a long triathlon tank.

Similar proportions and height. I get tankinis from Lands End. I may end up baring a sliver of midriff but they are much more covered than bikini. They also sell one pieces in tall sizes but I haven’t tried them yet.

Fellow long torso here who can no longer wear two-pieces (thanks twins!). Athleta is my current favorite. I also have a JCrew suit I liked post-partum, but it’s far less flattering now that I need more bust support. But they have the widest range of long torso suits.
It seems like I have to check out Boden – but I’m afraid I’ll get on their blacklist as I’ve done two orders so far and haven’t kept anything. I’m always so tempted when I items on their models, but nothing fits me right.
I also noticed that Aerie has long torso one-pieces recently

I have the same build (5’6 with a long torso) and just ordered a bunch of one-pieces from Target. The only one I kept is a black one-shoulder with some ruching along the body. It’s long enough in the torso, and I think because it only has one shoulder strap, there’s more margin for error. You might try that!

Yes, but in the SUMMER, this kind of blouse does NOT work b/c of men’s preoccupation with all of our boobie’s. FOOEY b/c the Summer is very hot in NYC and some of us DO sweat. DOUBEL FOOEY on men who can wear golf shirts open and we do NOT care to see their chest’s either.

I got a great recomendation from the judge for me to be considered to be a HEARING EXAMINER if I want. He says this is the ticket for me if I am considereing ascendeing to the bench after he retire’s. I can NOT take this kind of paycut, Dad says, b/c they make only 1/5 of what I make, tho they have alot less hours. Dad says I am workeing my tuchus off for the paycheck, but there will come a time, in mabye 20 years, when I will want to onley work 30 hours a week, on the bench, and have law secretarie’s do the heavy lifteing for me.

How would the hive decide? Should a 36 year old partner EVER consider giveing it all up for this at this point? I say NO unless I am MARRIED, which has NOT happened and does NOT seem to be in the cards, as MEN do NOT want to marry me, just “date” me. FOOEY! If I could get MARRIED, I would take this job, work 30 hours a week and look forward to becomeing a judge in a few years, when others would do the work. But for now, I say NO. Another good oportunity forsaken all b/c I am NOT married. FOOEY!

LOL, I’m with you. How can we get the message across? All I want are work tops that are not see through, aren’t crazy low cut (which this one looks to be), and have a sleeve with the shoulder intact. Is that so much to ask?!

Oh, and as long as I’m complaining, I just discovered that Target redesigned their basic v-neck t and the v is at least 2-3 inches deeper than in previous years, making it completely unwearable for me. I could wear a cami under it, which is how it was styled in the store, but this is the south and it’s 95+ degrees every day in the summer. I’m not wearing two shirts.

I was looking to replace my v-neck t shirts and was impressed by the pima cotton one at llbean. I had to go down a size because my regular size was too boxy in the torso, but the v part was perfect and the fabric was thick and not sheer.

I have a very similar blouse with shorter sleeves and it is way too low cut, even without much in the chest. I need a camisole to bring the neckline up. I sometimes just wear a bandeau because it’s not sheer but needs to cover the chest a bit more.

Hi all! I have a meeting with a private equity firm (first intro for most of the people I’ll be meeting) on Monday and while I’m not just realizing I don’t really have anything to wear, well, I don’t have anything to wear. My consulting firm is generally business casual and while I have one or two OK suits that I could wear, they’re essentially everyday wear and not really best foot forward clothing. I’m tall (need tall suiting in both arm and leg) and curvy enough to not fit slim suiting either. Not a skirt person. Any ideas of what I could or should wear?

Sounds like a good opportunity to buy yourself a new suit! In my opinion, J Crew offers enough variation that if you order a bunch of suits in a tall size, you’ll likely be able to find one that works well for you. They are middle of the road in terms of both price and quality, but perfectly respectable for meeting with anyone in the business world that I can think of. If you order today, you can likely get them by Friday and have the weekend to go shopping if none of them work.

Agree with first anonymous. I work a lot with PE folks and they’re always in good suits. Talbots has suits with both long pants and tall jackets that fit me (6′ tall), although I can also wear their skirts off the rack and they’re not too short.

That’s what I was worried about! I can’t just show up in anything, this is also the first interaction of my firm and theirs. My go-to suiting has been Long Tall Sally but the quality has really fallen off.

Any advice on shoes and accessories and hairstyles? I have long straight hair and it tends to live in a low ponytail, but I often cram it into a bun for more formal meetings (also because some people are weird about long hair).

In my experience, a bun would be perfectly fine. Same with plain black leather pumps that aren’t visibly scuffed.

I feel you on the Long Tall Sally. I think your best bet is to rush order suits from BR, AT, Talbots, and Nordstrom. I have found jackets long enough at Nordstrom, as well. Maybe find a suit jacket with bracelet-length sleeves, so you don’t have to worry about how long they are.

I have never seen Talbots carry Tall jackets. BR has some great suits in Talls for jackets AND pants. JCrew has Talls but cuts narrow in the shoulders, and most of their pants are unlined. I would rush ship ~$1500 worth of suits from JCrew, Tabots and AT and keep what you like. You will not find talls in stores, so you need to get on this.

Alternately, because it’s spring, you could do sheath and 3/4 length sleeved-jacket, and you would be able to find that in a store right now, but query whether the sheath would be long enough.

I really never do sheath and am super uncomfortable in it, so for this sort of turnaround, I think I’m going to need to stick with pants. Also yes – I’m long in the leg and thigh, so the chances of a sheath being too short are fairly high.

I’d go for the best quality simple suit you can afford – so Boss, Theory, Brooks Brothers, etc. if they come in talls. This is also a great time to wear any high end simple jewelry you have – fancy watch, pearl/diamond studs, and very good quality but simple leather accessories (bag/shoes). Good luck!

I wish any of these brands came in talls. BB basically never makes trousers with an inseam longer than 32″. Boss and Theory pants are occasionally cut long, but many of them aren’t and it’s a dicey proposition to try to order pants from them and think they’ll be long enough. Suits cut for tall women seem to top out at the Ann Taylor/Banana Republic/J Crew tier, sadly.

I don’t wear pant suits, so I cannot comment on that. But both Theory and Boss dresses/skirts are plenty long enough for me and I am a bit over 5’11” (with a short torso and oddly long calves). Depends on where your height is. I recently bought a Boss suit and it fits off the rack.

Seconded, I’m tall and pear-shaped and Banana suits tend to fit terrific off the rack. Most of Banana’s summer suiting is a little bonkers style-wise, but the black lightweight wool standard blazer and Logan -fit pants are classic and look nice for the price.

I’m with you. I had a bunch of points to use and just ordered a few sale blazers to try. I did purchase two summery dresses recently – the chambray off the shoulder and the off white geo lacey one (to add to my arsenal and to wear to bridal shower.) Also bought the silk cashmere blend mid sleeve sweater and it’s TERRIBLE. It pilled on day 1 so it’s going back, sadly b/c the shape and sleeve were perfect.

About 6 months ago I came home twice to the stove on, in the same week. My husband had left it on for hours after he left and before I had gotten home. This has triggered a sort of OCD where I must check the stove twice before I leave the house or I get an anxiety spiral. I dont care about the house, I care about the dogs. If hubs burnt the house down empty I wouldn’t care, stuff is replaceable. However if his negligence killed the dogs it would probably be marriage ending. I’d like to be able to leave the house without checking the stove, but i just can’t.

Fwiw, while it’s wasteful to leave the stove on all day it’s extremely unlikely to harm your dogs or damage your house. There are lots of other things in your house your pups could no doubt do that are just as likely to kill them, like grabbing a piece of chocolate or escaping out the front door and running into the street. If you really can’t get past the anxiety you might seek therapy.

So I’m going to guess that you felt he didn’t take your concerns seriously enough and now you feel a sense of powerlessness in the issue being resolved. *that’s* what’s causing the anxiety, not the stove itself. Am I close?

I had some anxiety about something happening to our dog when we were out. Do you have smoke detectors that will somehow alert you remotely if there’s an issue or will alert an alarm company or the fire department (versus the ones that just alert whoever is home)? A neighbor or two with a key who could check on your dogs if you got an alert and could not get home quickly? Signs by the front door that there are pets inside (I think ASPCA will send you some, but obviously you can just make them)?

Eesh, doesn’t sound like he realizes how serious that is. I know it seems like common sense, a stove left on can cause a fire, and it doesn’t seem like something you should have to say out loud, but have you told him what could happen if the stove is left on? Have you told him why it worries you? Or are you expecting him to “just know” why it bothers you?

I see two issues here: First, your husband has forgotten to turn the stove off a couple of times. A post-it note or some other memory device could help, or get to the bottom of why the stove is being left on (is he in a huge rush? can he find a way to slow down a bit before leaving the house?). Second, your anxiety reaction to this happening. For me, my anxiety always latches on to a superficial issue (e.g. OMG that mole looks weird — in reality, it has looked the same forever) when the real issue is something deeper (so I’m coming up to the age my dad was when he died when I was a kid). The only way I can get to those deeper issues is because I have been through mounds of therapy to understand why and how my brain works this way. Could there be more going on here?

OK, I don’t get these responses. Who WOULDN’T be anxious about someone repeatedly leaving the stove on and endangering the pets? It doesn’t require a psychoanalyst and explorations of the inner child to figure out that it could be a dangerous situation, it may keep happening, and the OP needs some kind of solution. OP, maybe the sign idea that others recommended would help.

Yes, seriously!! She doesn’t have unwarranted anxiety, she’s worried about her dogs getting killed. I love the idea of putting a sign on the inside of the front door. I’m sure that would solve the problem.

My husband did this once, and he beat himself about it for at least a week afterwards. Your husband’s nonchalance is worrisome.

+1. I had “anxiety” when my drunk college roommate did this repeatedly, and it caused me anxiety when the smoke alarm went off at 2am after a pizza was totally charred in the oven (she, fast asleep in bed.) I didn’t need therapy, I needed to not be in a situation where I might die in an apartment fire. I was more pissed than anxious, so I get the conflict of not wanting to rage on your husband while still sounding the alarms for him to know this is a SERIOUS issue and CANNOT happen again.

WeMo SmartPlug. It’s green when it’s on on your phone. It’s grey when it’s not. It cuts power to the device. I use it for lights but if i used anything that I wanted to 150% make sure was off I’d totally buy one for that purpose. You can even set it (through IFTTT) to turn off at a particular time.

My husband is a stove-checker. I don’t know why — we’ve never left it on. I’ve actually wondered about getting a little webcam or something to be able to check it from our phones so he doesn’t stress about it.

I don’t think this is unreasonable anxiety. It’s a specific and rational worry. Leaving a pot on the stove with the burner on is a good way to start a fire. Her husband needs to figure out a reliable strategy for remembering to turn the stove off.

If I’m worried about unplugging my straightener or leaving the stove on, I take a photo of it off immediately before I walk out the door. Probably still a little OCD, but whatever. It calms my anxiety.

Use technology! DH and I are both a tad on the anxious side- we have a webcam in one room, and we have a security system that is largely unused except that it will call the fire dept if smoke alarms went off (calls landline/ gives you a minute to turn it off first, if you’re home burning toast). I’ve had the security system with fire call out in every home, because my pets are there and neighbors could be very slow to note a problem. To me, these are easy and reasonable steps, not anxiety.

I have a lot of anxiety about leaving things on (iron, stove, etc). Some of it’s general anxiety, some of it’s due to a childhood house fire where we lost everything.

Here’s what I do to ease my “checking”. When I unplug something, I say out loud “the iron is off”. Your brain remembers hearing you say the words better than doing the action. If I’m having a particularly anxious day, I’ll not only say the words, but move the object (not exactly doable for a stove but all other small appliances can be shifted).

This was an issue in my marriage for a while too–DH kept leaving the oven on during the day. After the fifth or so time it happened, I bought a microwave and told him I expected him to stop using the oven in the morning. I’m not big on ultimatums, but I wasn’t willing to compromise on this.

I tend to worry about things like this, because I personally have left the oven on, not closed my garage door, and not locked the front door. Not often, but enough to know its possible I will forget, and I’m concerned about risks to my pets and the house. I became the queen of the triple check, which made me and my SO crazy. Adding smart technology to my new house was the best thing I’ve ever done – I can check all the doors/locks remotely, turn the oven and burners off, I get a text if the oven has been on a long time, etc.

So if this is one sore spot (as opposed to a symptom of a bigger issues), consider throwing money at the problem and getting a smart oven.

We used to make tea in the morning on a tea kettle on the stove.
Then we got an electric tea kettle that is only for boiling water, and shuts off automatically.
It saved my general anxiety disorder….
Although I still double-check the garage door sometimes, not nearly as often as I cam up with a routine… pull out of the driveway, shut the garage door, note the time, note the garage door, get to the end of the block, check the garage door in the rearview mirror, move on with my life…..

Honestly even if you aren’t well endowed, I think you need a cami with this one. That slit looks really deep.

Then again, you’re already wearing a tank under because it’s sheer…

In fairness, I do like this shirt. I have a couple similar ones. I wear a tank under (I tend to wear them under opaque shirts, too) and a cardigan over in a casual office. In the end, the sheerness and slit isn’t apparent.

With the sleeve detail, I agree this seems like an after hours tops. I’d wear the snot out of it if I were still in the happy hour phase of my life.

For all the ‘rettes in Europe (and some other places): I have found the perfect pullover blouse at Esprit.

It is not too low cut, reasonably priced (even though it adds up if you can’t stop buying them) and seems to come out in a few new colors every season. I think I own for of them now, cream, white with black dots, pine green with dots (my favourite) and navy. With a nude colored bra, the cream and white do not need a cami!

I’ve found that they shrink a bit during washing, so I’ve sized up, and that works fine. Will post a link.

Less than 2 months to my wedding, and my future MIL is driving me crazy! She keeps making comments that imply I have absolutely no idea how to plan a wedding or any kind of event at all.

From the past few weeks:
-“It might be a good idea to have the flower girl try on the dress at some point before the day of the wedding.” (Um, ya think?)

-“Be sure that people are going to get enough food. It may be difficult for everyone to go out to eat at a restaurant afterward.” (What?? It’s an evening wedding and we are having full-service catering, with hors d’oeuvres and a huge, lovely buffet. She has seen the menu.)

-“You may want to let people know whether or not they can bring a date.” (They do! Both the invites and save the dates indicate that they get plus ones.)

Is she just trying to be helpful? I can’t help but feel like she’s passive aggressively calling me a bimbo. Is there anything I can do besides breathe through it and gently explain that I have it under control? I feel like a lot of you are going to say this is my fiancé’s issue to deal with, but she emails me directly all the time. We only have a month to go and I don’t want to burn bridges by having him tell her to stop.

I’m also baking my own cake, which I firmly decided a year ago. I’m confident in my ability to do so, have made several full-size three-tier practice cakes, and am not stressed by the timeline at all as it’s being done almost entirely in advance. She brings up the cake constantly and often says, “If it’s a matter of money, I am happy to buy a cake.” I find it so rude. I have explained so many times that I’m baking the cake because it’s a joyful and fun thing for me to do.

I’m sure being oversensitive and a bit of a stressed-out bride. I have a gleeful fantasy of climbing onto a table at my wedding and shouting “for all my haters, I really did bake this mother-f***ing cake!!” Roar.

I mean, it could be worse. I would just respond to each email politely, and try to not think about it after that. She sounds insecure and is probably threatened by your ability to plan a wedding on your own. Is there a small task you can give her for her to focus on, like making favors or something?

+a million. MIL is insecure with your ability to handle everything. Also, she’s having trouble letting go of her son completely — she thought she would be tasked with something for the wedding, so her son could gush about her contribution to his wedding.

At this point, I think you have to breathe through it and try not to take it personally. Presume good intentions and that she is trying to be helpful. “Thank you for your suggestion, it’s taken care of.” Copy and paste, copy and paste.

You are being oversensitive here. Most of her comments are varying degrees of rude, but I would ignore them to the best of your ability. Delete the email. Or, respond “Thanks for your thoughts” or “I appreciate your input” and then promptly do whatever the hell it is that you want to do. If she persists/escalates, punt this to your fiance who will have to proactively call his mom and tell her that she’s being rude. Don’t worry – two months to go!

Assume good intentions. Most of these comments really sound like harmless (albeit unsolicited and unnecessary) reminders. She’s not trying to insult your intelligence, she probably just wants to feel helpful and is giving you unnecessary and obvious “advice” in order to do so.

About the cake, I have to say, I’m kind of with her on this one. Yes, it’s rude to constantly tell someone that baking their own wedding cake is a bad idea, but…it’s a bad idea. I’ve had a few friends do it and although they are all very skilled bakers who get a lot of joy from baking normally, even single one of them ended up stressed out and miserable with their own cake. Yes, she shouldn’t keep bringing it up if you’ve made it clear to her that you’ve made your decision and you’re sticking to it, but on the scale of mother-in-law b!tchiness, repeatedly offering to buy you a wedding cake so you don’t make your own is really pretty mild.

+1. I remember being in your shoes. I was so close to the situation that any remarks set me off. These comments truly are benign and I think she’s trying to be helpful. Just breathe. It’ll be over soon :)

+1 Future MIL seems to phrase these things in a way that isn’t condescending – that’s a great sign! Sometimes parents see things at other weddings or hear horror stories (the same as brides and grooms hear before their own weddings) and want to be helpful in preventing those errors (even though of course you have already thought of these things). For example, I wish someone had advised me to make sure to take pictures with my bridesmaids and other important people individually, rather than just in groups. Good on you for baking your own wedding cake! Good luck and congratulations!

I actually find this phrasing annoying and somewhat passive aggressive (get it a lot from a family member). If MIL is worried about people knowing that they can bring dates, why not just ask what the couple decided to do about inviting guests with dates? It’s a much more straightforward way to initiate a conversation (versus just state your opinion/assume you know better than the person you’re talking to). And yes, I am 100% willing to accept that this is something I am hypersensitive to after years of these sorts of comments.

Hey, I am getting married this Saturday and agree. The comments are harmless, but definitely stress-inducing (it’s the whole reminder of to-dos but stressful because they are already crossed-off). I would seriously assume good intentions here. I think she is just trying to ‘help you,’ even though it is in fact stressing you out. Reply with something simple like “Got it!” or “Already taken care of, thanks! :) ” In situations like this, it is helpful to address it quickly, show it’s already done and you agree, and helpful to imply tone with something as silly as a smiley face.

I also agree on not baking your cake. You will have enough to do. I have seen other brides do this and even their moms or bridesmaids do it and it does not end well because there are other to-dos on the list. Everyone keeps commenting on how relaxed I am, but there are still just a ton of things to do — tiny but need to be crossed off before the big day… are the tips in their corresponding envelopes? known allergies told to the venue, do I have blister bandaids?, do I have clean underwear? does my sister know her hair needs to be dry for the hair stylist? do we have our confirmation emails for the honeymoon?, have I picked up my contacts and Rx I will need on the honeymoon? Who is telling our “VIPs” that they need to stick around after the ceremony for family photos? Who is keeping watch over the card box at the reception and where are they taking it?… and about 2 dozen more to-dos.

Not to mention I have actual tasks at work that need to be done… which is why I have to go!

Just wanted to tell you to let this one go, darling. Maybe tossing your mother-in-law a W on the cake will appease her and give her something to do instead of adding things to your list you’ve already crossed off. “I think you are right and that I’ll have too much to do before the wedding to take care of the cake. Could I count on you to help me with this? We are expecting X number of guests and I trust your taste and pal3tte! If you have any questions, you can direct them to Fiance! Thank you SO much – this is such a big help!”

Is your future MIL an anxious person in general? It seems to me that her questions may be more about her anxiety about the event and less about her perceptions of you as a planner (ask me how I know- my Mom is anxious about everything and it definitely manifested around wedding planning). I understand that it’s super annoying, but since you seem to have everything she asks about already under control, I’d just continue to briefly respond to her emails by saying “we’ve got that covered!” and just go on with your life. But, feel free to vent here about it when you need to!

This – it sounds like anxiety to me too. These are the thoughts that one wakes up with in the middle of the night when generally stressed “OMG WHAT ABOUT FOOD” that have no reality to the actual well-planning of the event.

That’s the firs thing I thought, too. It’s not any comment on your planning (you would be getting more detail on other options or trying to get in with your vendors and the like). These all come across like worries. She’s likely just voicing her own script in her head and feeling the need to have someone around her say “Taken care of” “Check” etc. to wind down. I suspect she would be this way regardless of who her son is marrying. Not that that’s not annoying. But hopefully it can give you some relief to step back and see that all of this is likely way more about her than her perceptions of you.

+1 to this. Also, is there any sort of task you can give her? For example, at the time my husband and I got married, we lived in a teeny apartment and my in laws have a huge 4 bedroom house (not in the same city, but drive able so we go visit them often enough). I ask my inlaws if they would mind that we used their address as the “ship to” address for our wedding registries. They’re also retired, so they have lots of free time.

They happily agreed, and I don’t think my MIL has ever had more fun. She got to greet the UPS man basically every day and she was thrilled. Between that and the rehearsal dinner (which I let her plan entirely) she was so busy she didn’t ask or question anything.

Whoa! Deep breaths. I hear you on the comments-she sounds like she’s completely on a different page than you. (is there a cultural or generation gap here? Meaning, is she possibly used to much more casual affairs than you are? That’s what if suspect from her comments. )

Try your best to assume good intentions-it should be easy to remain cheerful and kind via email. As far as mil wedding stress, you’re getting away pretty easily (she’s not making crazy demands or threats). I’d just respond with “great point!” And “thanks for the reminder.” I’d also consider asking for favors, since she wants to be involved- ask her to find out who cousin frank is bringing for example. Then thank her for her help.

You have your whole life to figure out when/if/how this woman is passive aggressive toward you. Just practice clueless kindness for now.

Also, weddings are stressful even though they’re the ultimate first world lucky duck kind of stress. Take some time to exercise/breathe/spa/whatever.

Finallly, gently, your gleeful fantasy in no way jibes with the notion that baking the cake is joyful or fun for you. Consider that please.

Try to have your SO deal with MIL. Forward all of the emails, and say, “Dear, please respond to your mother on this.” (S)he can be more direct with the MIL about how unhelpful these kinds of comments are. It’s good practice for future unwelcome interference. ‘Thanks Mom, but Another Stressed Bride has this under control and I trust her.” Repeat, repeat.

I normally agree that the SO deals with the ILs but it sounds like MIL is trying to be helpful and everyone in this story sounds really stressed out, and rather than practice for future unwelcome interference I think forwarding the emails to the SO would harm relationship-building with the MIL.

Yeah, no, don’t do this. MIL visits unannounced or tries to fire your caterer and hire one of her own? Ask you SO to intervene and tell her no. MIL makes mildly passive-aggressive comments via email that are easily ignored? Ignore or respond as you see fit. Escalating to your SO to get him or her to handle is going to destroy your relationship with you MIL and not accomplish anything you couldn’t easily do on your own.

My mother said things like this to me constantly, usually prefaced by “BankrAtty, what you have to remember is __.” It drove. Me. Crazy. I would ignore your MIL’s emails, or maybe just respond less–something generic, like, “I’m on it! Can’t wait!” She will probably also bring the crazy to the wedding–my mother sort of lost it during our pre-ceremony wedding photographs when she learned there were no table clothes for the buffet tables. I just looked at her, standing there in my big white dress, and calmly asked what she expected me to do about that right now.

These comments are really annoying. I sympathize with you. Yes, you should assume good intentions and see them as mostly benign comments and try to let it go. And yes, in the relatively low bar people set for in-law relationships, these comments aren’t that bad if she’s otherwise lovely. It’s still really annoying.

DH and I have been married for 7 years, and my MIL still makes passive-aggressive, judgmental comments. So assume it’s not going to stop. A few weeks ago, my MIL was stressing me out over a casual birthday party for my 2-year-old. She also suggested we paint the outside of our house (because she doesn’t like the color, I guess–it’s not necessary for maintenance at this point). Otherwise, she’s very caring and accepting. But sh*t like this drives me nuts because it’s so unnecessary. DH handles the really big stuff, but it’s not a solution for him to “handle” everything that annoys me about one of his family members. I have my own relationships with them and have to choose whether to say something about the many annoying things that fall below a certain bar (many because there are many family members, and everyone (including me, I’m sure) does at least one annoying thing).

Oh lordy! My own mom does this too, has done it all my life, and oddly enough my wedding was the one time she didn’t. I can’t say I have any specific MIL-management advice, as my solution is to simply not respond to my mother when she says something so crashingly obvious. Because how do you respond to that? Or I deflect and ask a completely different question.

Yeah, I would not respond to dumb comments, and avoid talking to her as much as possible. It may not be that bad compared to other MILs, but why should you have to voluntarily subject yourself to this nonsense, let alone respond to it?

I would find this unbelievably annoying. My MIL used to send annoying emails and the only thing that worked was to stop responding unless the email actually merited a response. A lot of the other posters have said your MIL’s emails are likely due to her anxiety about the wedding, which is very generous, but it’s not your responsibility to manage your MIL’s unreasonable anxieties.

If you do feel compelled to respond to her emails, I would not include any version of a thank-you as suggested by other posters. I would respond “Yes, we have already taken care of that” or “No need to worry, we have already covered that with the caterer” or “That information was already conveyed to the guests in our save-the-dates and invitations. Is there a reason you’re worried?” I would try to alleviate her concerns but I would NOT thank her for the passive-aggressive and slightly insulting suggestions.

I don’t mean to sound like a huge B, but this will only get worse if you have kids. Just imagine the emails you will get. “You might want to make sure little Johnny is getting enough protein.” “Don’t forget to pack snacks for the trip. Johnny and Rose might get hungry.” “It might be a good idea to put sunscreen on the kids so they don’t get burned.”

Also, is your SO not helping plan the wedding? I pushed off most of my MIL’s wedding-related inquiries to my DH because he was just as involved as I was with wedding planning, but I realize that’s not always the case. My DH could have answered just as easily as me about wedding food, plus ones, etc.

I have MIL issues, obviously. If you continue having problems, I highly suggest DWIL or justnomil.

I too have in-law issues and wish I had laid down the law from day 1, because now I’m having to enforce boundaries constantly. OP–I would consider the context of your future MIL. How much input do you want her having in your life? If she gets the sense that her approval is important to you, she’s going to keep making “suggestions” after your wedding too.

I think your MIL is actually harmless.
Maybe she does not have much experience with organizing such complex events all by herself and this is why she keeps an extra eye on you. You would not believe how many things went wrong at some weddings (trivial like not having enough food ;) ) I have been to.
The cake story (she can pay for it in case your budget is strained) – I think she does not realize that you WANT to bake it yourself rather than HAVE to bake it. Just reinforce the difference and tell her that you are looking forward to this day and want her to enjoy it and not to worry to much. It should be your headache not hers.
Congrats!

Give your MIL a task to make her feel helpful and needed. A task you really don’t care about if it goes wrong, doesn’t get done or she changes the plan. Like making food labels for the buffet or something else not needed but will make her feel valuable. It sounds like she is anxious and she wants to be helpful and her only way to express this anxiety is to ask you a bunch of questions to calm her worries. So give her an outlet!

My MIL drove me crazy during our wedding planning too. Just know that it’s a stressful time for everyone involved. It sounds like maybe she is feeling uninvolved and wants to talk wedding stuff. I agree with LondonLeisureYear; give her something to do that makes her feel useful.

I am a very Type A person who likes lists and to check boxes. My MIL felt left out during the wedding planning because I was really on top of everything. In hindsight, I wish I had found something to help her feel included. It would have gone a long way in building our relationship.

There has been a death in my family and there may be some drama around settling the estate (gift tax issues in particular). It’s a smaller estate in Gainesville, FL. We need a GLBT-friendly Florida attorney to advise and potentially represent us.

Ideally we want an attorney in Gainesville, although elsewhere in FL could be an option. We’re in another state and will deal with our attorney remotely. Thanks!

John F. Callender has a Jacksonville office. He helped me out with a parental guardianship issue 2 years ago. His practice focuses on on kinds of wills / trusts/ estates/ taxes.
If you want to mention me specifically in contacting him with a referral, you email me at [email protected] and I will reveal my true self.

I have also worked with this Jacksonville lawyer on family estate / trust issues and taxes. He is probably more expensive, but he has a firm that presumably has associates too. The other recommendation was a solo practitioner.
http://www.pfhglaw.com/jonathan-l-hay/

Maybe you could find something floor length for the gala that could be hemmed to knee length for weddings? This would work best with fabric that is easy to hem (not sheer, not beaded), and with a relatively simple shape below the waist.

Also, are you sure that the gala is as formal as you think it is? Some nonprofit galas are less formal than you might expect. I have no personal knowledge of this one.

I have a Sunday to spend in Boston on my way to somewhere else. I’ve never been to Boston before and it looks like there’s SO much to see and do, I don’t know what to choose. I’m a history buff. Suggestions? Thanks!

Tea at the Boston Public Library! Do the Freedom Trail (which includes the Granary Burying Ground – Paul Revere and Mother Goose are there!). Get a tour of the Massachusetts State House. Visit the Boston Common. Harvard Square is nice and a train ride away. Enjoy Boston!

Tea at the BPL for sure!! But you’ll need to make a reservation
JP Licks ice cream (location on Commonwealth Ave, Davis Square, Harvard Square, and maybe some others?)
Freedom Trail!
I enjoyed the Museum of Fine Arts quite a bit and they often have visiting exhibitions
Mike’s Pastries in the North End
Walking along the Charles River around sunset is romantic for couples, but also just relaxing to do alone

I’d recommend SoWa in the morning (outdoor public market/craft fair/food truck festival/antique market) followed by brunch/lunch at Gallows or Banyan or B&G Oysters in the South End. If it’s nice, I’d walk the freedom trail and/or the Harborwalk.

I would skip tea but still check out the library (and the Athenaeum if you love libraries) and otherwise walk the Freedom Trail, wending your way to the North End, and sit at the bar at Neptune Oyster’s for a lobster roll. Then if you have time pop on the red line to Harvard Square, walk around campus and go to the Harvard Bookstore, and grab ice cream at JP Licks and check out the river and/or walk down Brattle Street to see lovely Cambridge homes, most historic.

Definitely the Freedom Trail for a history buff! It takes you through the important historical sites, and you can always wander off into various neighborhoods before going back to the trail again.

If you can time it right, I also suggest a visit to the Mapparium at the Mary Baker Eddy Library. There’s an admission fee of $6, but I thought it was well worth it to stand *inside* a globe and see how various country borders have changed since 1935.

How do you ladies feel about seersucker for the office? In particular, a seersucker sheath dress? It’s a business casual office that errs on the side of business. I’m going to be walking to work this summer, about a mile, and while I’d wear a cardigan in the office, I’m already dreading walking to work in poly and wool blend dresses. I’m in Virginia, if that makes a difference.

OK–I just looked at it–it’s not a very professional cut. I tend to wear seersucker pencil skirts or blazers (with white pants). I think you’d need to try it on you to make sure it doesn’t look too sundressy. Still, in a very warm climate on a hot summer day, on point.

I love seersucker and regularly wear my seersucker skirt suit from Memorial Day through Labor Day. But I would not wear that dress to the office, except maybe on a casual Friday. I have that dress in two other colors. With a cropped cardigan, heels, and a leather belt, it passes for office casual. In seersucker, I’m concerned it would read sundress.

I think you’d need to dress it up as BankrAtty describes, but know your office. With a thin leather belt and very polished shoes/jewelry, rather than the fabric belt that looks like it comes with the dress, and perhaps with a low bun or chignon, it could be appropriate.

The sundressy vibe was my fear – any suggestions for non-sundressy seersucker dresses? I can’t seem to find any! There was one from J.Crew that was perfect, even short sleeves, but it’s sold out in my size (16).

Really? I’ve never heard this advice and I’d have been a little offended if we got a check to just one of us. It seems very…exclusionary? since it’s very easy to put “or” in a check which means either person can deposit it.
I’d put “Bride’s Current Name OR Groom’s Current Name.” If one of them changes their name they can either deposit it before the name change goes through or the other person can deposit it. If they are doing a new joint last name, that’s usually something that requires a court petition so they’ll have some time after the wedding with their current names when they can deposit the check.

I usually do one of the couple’s names (and write in my card that was why I did it), but I have heard you can do: “John Smith OR Jane Doe” – the OR makes it such that either can cash it. I am getting married soon and plan on changing my name but I chafe a little that people just assume so and we’ve received checks that read “Mr. and Mrs. John Smith” or “John and Jane Smith.” One bank we went to said that they could cash it (pre-wedding and name change) like this: John Smith endorses, then Jane Doe endorses (because that is the current account holder) and then last Jane Smith endorses (the name as it appears on the front of the check who does not yet exist).

Unless the check is >$50K the bank should accept the deposit without any add’l paperwork, but there’s a quick form where she/he would just say ‘I’m Jane Smith aka Jane Doe, signed, Jane Smith”. No worries!

I thought the toughest part of starting this podcast would be recording the interviews. Nope. Trying to put together a website is SO overwhelming.

I literally have no idea how to start. I am not super “creative” and design is not my forte. SO OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE. But I need to get it done ASAP so that I can roll this thing out in 2 weeks. EEEEK!

How are your New Year Resolutions/goals going? Now that we’re 4 full months in, seems like a good check-in time.
For me, I had 10 resolutions.
1. Knit a scarf: This has not happened, or started to happen. I don’t know how to knit, which was the first part of this. I still don’t know how to knit. So.
2. Save $1000. I’m at $500! Plus 200+ invested in Acorns.
3. Go to Canada: There are 7 more months of this year, plenty of time.
4. Read 52 books: Killin’ it on this one, I’m at 31.5 books and it’s the best part of my year so far!
5. Go to bed by 10:30 5 nights a week on average. Fitbit tells me I average 11:30 PM most weeks. Ehhhh. Need to work on that. I got a Fitbit in late February, but I’m certain it was worse or the same the first 6 weeks of the year.
6. Average 7500 steps a day: 10K+ steps per day for all of April! So, this goal is going well. Since I got my Fitbit I”ve averaged 7500K+ steps all but one week, and most weeks 10K+.
7. Run a mile without stopping: Hasn’t happened. I’m walking a mile intentionally a few times a week and trying to slowly improve my pace, but I hate running with a passion so I’m doubtful this one is going to happen. I think I’m going to reassess and make it about a better pace for walking/running a mile.
8. Popsugar Reading Challenge: Going great! See 4. I’ve read books mostly off of that and a lot of new books. Really enjoying it. Favorites so far are Eligible, Me Before You, Underground Railroad, and Better than Before. Least favorites are The Bees, Cuckoo’s Calling, and Hillbilly Elegy. I’m reading The Child Catchers right now and it’s fascinating- it was recommended here after I expressed interest in adoption and I’m really grateful for whoever suggested it (WK?).
9. Journal 275 times: LOL. I’m doing a weekly Happiness Journal (52 weeks of happiness) that I started about a month ago that I look forward to, but this just hasn’t been happening and I’m not sure it’s something I want to push.
10. Go to the gym: I count “going to the gym” as walking a mile or more on the treadmill, a Fitstar workout of 20 minutes or more, machines, or Pure Barre class and I’ve been doing a lot better at all of this since the end of March.

On your running one, have you tried just doing short intervals, then increasing the intervals until you eventually get to a mile? I also hate running with a passion. I also think I’m not really built for it because I have a large frame and I feel like I’m crushing my knees with every run-step. A mile was like an impossible marker for me, but I worked up to it with interval running. I didn’t even mean to have it as a goal. I just started with 2 minute run, 2 minute walk, then repeat once or twice. Then it got up to 5 minute run, 2 minute walk, and pretty soon I was at the point where I could run for 10 minutes nonstop and that was a mile. Although I don’t do mile runs on a regular basis now (still default to intervals), it’s still nice to know I could.

I had some knee damage from meds a few years ago, so my knees also hurt like he** when I run, which obviously tends to create some issues. I try to run on and off when I’m on the treadmill, but I need to be more intentional about it (being more intentional generally is also a goal, although not one I can track as well). I enjoy walking immensely and hate running immensely, so I figure that as long as I’m getting some cardio in it’s not quite as important. This might end up being a “Be Sloan” thing where I decide it’s just not that important to me, but I am going to try to run more and walk less, or speed walk more and walk slow less, going foward now that I’ve got an okay schedule down for how often I get on the treadmill.

Let’s start off with the knowledge that this is the only investing I’ve ever done, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

It’s easy. That’s what I like about it. I invest $5 a week flat and “round-ups,” which round debit purchases up to the nearest dollar. I pretty much set it and go. If I hadn’t taken $150 from it I’d probably have closer to $400 and I’ve only been using it since mid-December. I could probably be more proactive, but I like that it chooses the portfolios for me based on how risky I want to be (I’m at medium risk, I think?) and does all the work for me. Seeing how much I’ve made (not much) is cool, and I’ve gotten dividends once or twice now. It’s lazy-investing, but it’s another way to save $ that I don’t notice, so I’m going to stick with it.

Sounds like you’re doing great given what an ambitious list this way! And definitely come visit us in Canada. It’s our 150th birthday this year so there’s lots going on.

I made zero resolutions this year for the first time in a long time because I’m trying to be more present in the moment and accepting of unplanned things. But I guess ‘be more accepting of unplanned things’ is a kind of resolution? semi-successful so far.

It’s 52 Lists for Happiness: Weekly Journaling Inspiration for Positivity, Balance, and Joy and I bought it at a local stationery store. Very quick, but has good action items for the week (“Do 5 of the things you wrote down that take you out of your head!”).

Anyone who did IVF here – my IVF doc’s lab is closed for exactly the 5 days I would need them to be open at the end of this month for my first egg retrieval. I am late 30’s, haven’t signed a contract yet or ordered drugs, have DOF, and don’t really want to delay another month for personal reasons. On the other hand, it’s only (another) month. Would you all wait for this clinic or take my test results and plan to another clinic to get it done?

My fertility doctor’s office is open normal business hours 7 days a week for all time-sensitive procedures (so you can’t get normal bloodwork every day of the week, but retrievals can be done every day). I don’t know if that’s common, but I would be nervous about a facility that didn’t have a similar policy. I’m late 30s with DOR and would not want to miss a month once I get started (starting in about 2 months).

I did IVF–the egg retrieval is a moving target, as your follicle size and hormone levels will dictate when retrieval is. IVF clinics that are legit are able to accommodate this and so if your clinic refuses to do this, I would recommend switching. But–ask first. It may be that they actually do have someone on-call for those five days for just this purpose.

I’ve also done IVF. I don’t think it is unusual at all for legit clinics to have a small but set close down period – at least all the well known clinics in NYC did. Since the close down period is set well in advance, would they even start stims? I had a close down period at the start of IVF treatment because though I had DOR too, I felt like a month delay was not as important as the clinic/lab I wanted. I big part of the success of IVF can depend on the skill of the lab. I personally preferred a clinic/lab that was known for having a lot of patients with more difficulty infertility issues and yet still had very good success rate (according to SART data)

I would bail on that clinic ASAP. That’s crazy. Timing is so crucial in IVF–how do they close? I guess if it’s just a one time thing once a year for some reason, I may consider not bailing. If it were a monthly thing, nope.

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