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I know some of y’all haven’t seen Tommy Wiseau‘s THE ROOM yet…
so you might want to turn back now if you don’t want anything ruined for you.

I truly believe that the best way to watch THE ROOM is to go in totally blind….avoid the blogs, interviews, and the Wiki if you can.

That being said, I bet you’re wondering why I’m dedicating an entire week to it. Well, much like THE ROOM, I am full of contradictions…and no matter what you read or hear about THE ROOM, your brain will never be ready for this riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma of a film. Not even the trailer or the official website will prepare you to enter THE ROOM.

Just so you know what’s going on, here’s the synopsis from the website:

“The Room” is an American black comedy about love, passion, betrayal and lies. Johnny is a successful banker with great respect for and dedication to the people in his life, especially his future wife Lisa. Johnny can also be a little too trusting at times which haunts him later on. Lisa is a beautiful blonde fiancé of Johnny. She has always gotten her way and will manipulate to get what she wants. She is a taker, with a double personality, and her deadly schemes lead to her own downfall. Mark is a young, successful and independent best friend of Johnny. He has a good heart, but gets caught up in Lisa’s dangerous web and gives into temptation. This eventually brings him to great loss. Denny is an orphan boy, naive and confused about life, love, and friendship. Denny is very ambitious and also very grateful to the people that are in his life. “The Room” depicts the depths of friendship and relationships in one’s life and raises life’s real and most asked question: “Can you ever really trust anyone?”

So, “Are you ready to see reflection of your life?”

Okay then, let’s “ENTER ‘The Room’ and leave forever changed!”

I hope to see this logo in front of movies for a loooong time!

When Bwana sent over a copy of THE ROOM to Casa Canacorn not too long ago, The Wife and I had no idea what to expect. We had watched the trailer online and thought the movie looked like an okay-ish early 90s independent film like THE BROTHERS McMULLEN…or whatever.

But why in the world would Bwana recommend a “quirky black comedy with the passion of Tennessee Williams“? We were about to find out…

The pillow fight theme also appeared in many of Tennessee's plays.

6 minutes in…We’ve seen some of the most awkward acting, bizarre dialog, a three way pillow fight between a grown man, his fiancee, and a (possibly) retarded 18 year old boy, and one of the most uncomfortable love making scenes ever filmed.

Johnny, the familiar poet realist type of Tennessee character.

17 minutes in…The cinematic world as we know it had been shattered into a million pieces and rebuilt into a shockingly repellent yet intriguing piece of celluloid…obviously crafted by the great, the obscure, the unutterable Nyarlathotep!

One man has one great good true thing in his life.

After the scene between Lisa and her shrewish mother, The Wife loudly exclaimed that her brain “literally hurt“…I looked over and saw some blood pooled at the corner of her left eye…her brow was covered in sweat and she had chewed most of the skin off of her lower lip. Things were not going well…

Then there was the second love scene…exactly 11 minutes after the first…and it was more heart-rending than the previous one…even though it lacked Johnny’s weird muscular ass….I swear to god, he had some ripped glutes!

Didn't you notice the powerful and obnoxious odor of mendacity in this room?

20 minutes in…This happened:

By now, I was convinced that I was watching THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE! The Wife was slowly losing her grip on reality…she had completely bitten off the fingernails on every finger of her left hand and was starting on the right when the Scotchka scene happened. It was followed by the third love making scene…which was made up of outtakes from the first love making scene, signaling the return of Johnny’s weird muscular ass…The wife’s hand dropped away from her mouth and just like Jesus at Lazarus’ tomb, she wept.

I always thought drinkin' men lost their looks, but I was plainly mistaken.

60 minutes in…We’ve now been introduced to a second wave of characters. There’s the Chocolate is the symbol of love couple, Michelle and Mike.

Sometimes I wish I had a pill to make people disappear.

The money obsessed, psychopathic drug dealer, Chris R.

But, there's one thing you can't buy at any European fire sale...That's your life.

And Peter, the friendly (but clumsy) psychologist.

What is the victory of a cat on a hot tin roof?

I’ve become dizzy and a bit disorientated by this point…and I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with The Wife’s constant moaning and and mumbling of, “Hot water burn baby Hot water burn baby Hot water burn baby,” for the past 15 minutes. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any weirder…the cheeping starts…for some reason Johnny, Mark, and Denny have decided to start communicating like baby chickens to force Peter into playing a brutal game of tuxedo football. The Wife throws up.

Life ain't no damn football game. Life ain't just a buncha high spots.

1 hour and 10 minutes in…Our “reality” and the film’s “reality” have fully fused together…I feel Johnny’s pain…Mark’s guilt…Denny’s confusion…I am Lisa’s machinations…I was THE ROOM and THE ROOM was me. My eyes were wide open and I could see everything so clearly. I wanted it all. I wanted to live, live, live! The Wife was asleep…or maybe dead…did it matter? Lisa was seducing Mark…again.

Careful Maggie, your claws are showing.

1 hour 16 minutes in…SURPRISE!

Running from lies like birthday congratulations and many happy returns when there won't be any!

It’s Johnny’s birthday…all his friends and Lisa are here! Oh, hi Mark! Oh, hi Denny! Look, balloons and a cake! This is such a beautiful party…what could possibly go wrong? Oh look, Lisa is practically fucking Mark on the couch.

You don't know what love means! To you, it's just another four-letter word.

The wife stirred from her fetal position on the floor…”Party? Is it for the baby,” she whispered. “Lisa said she was carrying Johnny’s baby.” She collapsed before I could tell her…there was no baby. Lisa lied…again. Amazingly, Johnny’s party wasn’t totally ruined yet…but being there felt like sitting on top of an atom bomb that was about to go off.

Did you ever in all your born days hear such a bold-faced lie?

1 hour and 24 minutes in…Johnny and Mark get into a fight…The Wife crawled closer to the teevee leaving a trail of vomit and blood across our living room floor…presumably to get a closer look…her eyes appeared to be swollen shut.

You won't live with mendacity? Well, you're an expert at it!

1 hour and 26 minutes in…The Wife’s hands clawed at the teevee. I think she’s is trying to physically enter THE ROOM…searching for complete immersion into Johnny’s drama…or maybe she’s trying to turn it off. She didn’t accomplish either. The film builds to it’s dramatic conclusion behind her crimson hand prints and maniacal laughter. The party is over. The guests have left. Lisa has left to be with Mark. Everyone has betrayed Johnny. He is alone…in THE ROOM.

You... you got pain - at least you know you're alive.

1 hour 33 minutes in…Everything will be alright. Goodnight Johnny.

Truth is dreams that don't come true, and nobody prints your name in the paper 'til you die.

Now I know some of you out there like to have a few beers or a box of wine to give you that much needed liquid assist to sit through an entire movie in one viewing…and that’s cool…but when watching THE ROOM you can’t just beer bong your way through a six pack or sip on one of your older sister’s wine coolers!

Oh no, my little boozed up boners! You need a real drink! A drink that has has some bite! A drink that will put hair on your chest and fire in your loins!

You need a Scotchka!

I’m sure those of you that haven’t seen THE ROOM yet are wondering, “What the fuck’s a Scotchka?”

I’ll tell ya’! It is a unique mixed drink found only in one movie…and it’s consumed in only one scene…but once you’ve seen it, you’ll never forget it!

You see, in THE ROOM, our hero, Johnny, was passed over on the big bank promotion (even though he’s saved that son of a bitch bundles)! And he feels like a fool…luckily, his bride to be, Lisa, knows just what he needs…a super special drink.

A Scotchka!

It is quite possibly the best alcoholic drink ever created…and today, I’m gonna’ teach you how to make it!

First: Pour yourself two to three fingers of room temperatureClan MacGregor Blended Scotch Whisky (it has a smooth light taste, it’s hangover friendly, and cheap) in an old fashioned tumbler.

Second: Fix one up for a friend…(only alcoholics drink alone!)

Third: Add approximately two to three fingers of Smirnoff® Red LabelVodka straight from the freezer!

Fourth: Do NOT stir, shake, mix or blend! These bad boys are ready for consumption right out of the bottle!

Now that you’ve made yourself (and a friend) a refreshing Scotchka, here’s how to drink it:

Oh, before you go enjoying your Scotchka, don’t forget to eat…You gotta’ put that bottom in! Drinking on an empty stomach is a bad idea. I suggest you get a pizza! But not just any pizza…Try Johnny’s favorite pie! It’s half Canadian bacon with pineapple, half artichoke with pesto, light on the cheese, heaven in a box!

Get your friend to taste their Scotchka first…If your friend protests, just remind him/her that if they love you, they will drink it…and it tastes good!

Make a toast…preferably to “how right you are” and “to having fun”!

After a glass or two you’ll be tired, wasted, in love, and ready to sloppy drunk fuck the night away…guaranteed!