Thursday, 26 May 2011

When there is big money at stake, dear Melted Felt readers, you can be sure that someone, somewhere is making a plan to get it. With online poker so suddenly chased out of the US by the DoJ – who better than Nevada to take up the reins and get a process in place to regulate and license online poker operators.

So, with the bill approved and ready to be sent to the senate, we speculate on the extra clauses the big cheeses might have liked to have put into the bills if this had been *ahem* politically correct and their minds as twisted as those of Melted Felt.

Clause (3) 1.1.a – The Sarcasm Clause - The powers behind the new regulatory framework for legal online poker reserve the right to smirk, snigger, chuckle and to sigh, slap their sides while slowly shaking their head whenever Pokerstars, Full Tilt Poker or the Cereus Network are mentioned.

Clause (17) B.5.c - The Sharp Stick Clause – Everyone from the tea-boy upwards in the new organization will have the solemn duty to keep those sites under investigation out of the US market with long sharpened sticks. If they even try to get near, every man, woman and child should endeavour to stick it at ‘em.

Clause (1032.5). – The Catch-22 Clause– Just to teach players a lesson for dealing with these unwashed foreigners, we should make sure we are very vocal about getting cash refunded from the old illegal sites… and at the same time close down the payment processors / eWallets which would enable this to happen.

Clause (5555) 5.55.5 – The How Much Do We Owe The PPA Clause – Good job guys, great that the players actually believed that you were working for them right until the end. Come on over any time, suite? No problem – you are comped the whole way.

Clause (5556) 7.a.c.ii – The Hurry The Fvck Up Before They Forget About It Clause – Quick action is a must, before the geeks all get new hobbies. Incorporating sub-clause (a) Who do we need to pay? and (b) How much?

Clause (6666) 6.iv.c – The Bring A Step Ladder, I Feel The Turtle Knocking Clause – Allowing for a televised spectacular, in which the big money men behind the scenes, ceremonially remove their pants, climb a step-ladder, and sh1t right on the heads of a crowd of confused, miserable, now-unemployed ex-Full Tilt red pros.

Of course, the bill could still be amended yet before it becomes law… so who knows what might end up in it?