Tuesday, March 27, 2007

I've talked to Colin, but I haven't talked to Colin. You know what I mean.

Because of his job, he's in this horrible, insanely busy, soul crushing time of the year. He is getting no sleep, working stupid hours and doing too much for too many people in too many locations. I know a good deal about his job; his stress is palpable and it is legitimate.

I'm hesitant to throw another playing card atop the wobbly structure he continues to build.

If his house of cards collapses around him, our relationship will be among the many tragedies.

Should our relationship end (and I expect that it will), I want him to know that it has. I want him to feel the burn of its finality. If I do it now, it will be just another item on his list of woes. He will bury it among his work commitments. He'll be too busy to really notice that I'm gone. He won't hurt enough.

I want him to hurt.

I haven't seen him. I don't expect to. Not for another week or two. Maybe longer.

I can maintain us over the phone. I will read his emails and smile. My heart will leap when his number flashes on caller ID.

I will continue to hold the threads of what is left of us. I will admire them. I will shower them with fondness and with nostalgia. And I will prepare myself to let the threads of us go.

Better than any pain that Colin might feel (because in the end, I suspect, deep down, you don't really want him to hurt) think of how freeing this will feel for you. The weight that will be lifted from always wondering, often doubting, continuously caught in the circle of unknown. Focus on you, make your joy and your contentment a priority.

Hi. I'm A.

Born, raised, educated in the Midwest, I am such a Midwesterner. So Midwestern, if you will.

I am: a blogger of 8+ years, forever searching for my next athletic challenge, hopelessly overscheduled and always, always eating.

I started So Midwestern right after I graduated from college, hoping to chronicle my transition to adulthood. Graduate school, four half marathons, two new nephews, three apartments, a trip to Africa, a sprinkle of heartbreak, dozens of unfinished knitting projects, four turns as a bridesmaid, 8,913 job applications and two full-time positions later: I’m fairly convinced that the day when I feel like a legitimate, full-fledged grownup will never come. So I’ll just keep on blogging.

I write about a little bit of everything and a lot of nothing. Toss my ramblings with a few pictures, a touch of swearing and an endless appreciation for the beauty that is David Beckham and you have So Midwestern. Welcome.