Five reasons why Real Madrid have made the most fashionable football kit ever

Yohji Yamamoto has designed the third Real Madrid kit this season. You are perhaps thinking Pearl Harbor, Nintendo, sushi. All wrong.

Yamamoto is what we in the fashion business call “the poet of black”. The Japanese designer can’t get enough of the colour (or non-colour), variously describing it as “modest and arrogant at the same time”; “an intelligent contemporary colour”; and “lazy and easy – but mysterious…it can swallow light, or make things look sharp.”

Real Madrid will be hoping they can channel this confusing mix of paradox and misanthropy on the pitch, for Yamamoto has created an all-black kit with a dragon-bird hybrid beast on the front.

The press release alone is a thing of beauty: “In thinking about Real Madrid’s legacy, Yamamoto envisioned a heroic story of the contemporary football players as modern-day heroes, achieving mythical status through continued victory.

The mythical gymnastics are a little confusing, but what is clear is that the kit is incredibly fashionable, for the following reasons:

1. Its collar

Very Stella McCartney, this. And in the contrasting white, with a nifty couple of buttons thrown in for good measure, it’s positively “Gallic”. This is a synonym for “downright chic” in Vogue-speak.

2. It’s limited edition

Only 1,400 jerseys are available worldwide, for a knockdown price of €250. More traditional jerseys “inspired by Yamamoto’s work” will also be available for prices ranging from €70 to €130, but these will be a cheesy and unacceptable pastiche. As we all know, the more exclusive and expensive an item is, the more fashionable it is.

3. Birds. Lots of birds.

Determined dragon logos are all very well, but Yamamoto has clearly had his eye on the autumn/winter 2014 catwalks by making the baffling inspired decision to merge dragon with bird. It’s all about birds this season. Owl motifs appeared on dress at Dolce & Gabbana and Alexander McQueen, and there were hummingbirds on coats at Valentino. Three’s a trend – which means Real are “bang on”, to borrow Grazia parlance. Gareth Bale clearly didn’t get the memo – but it’s okay, because James Rodriguez looks utterly thrilled.

4. Sock monograms

Check out the RM initials on those socks. That is “bespoke luxury”, right there.

5. It’s Yohji Yamamoto

This man invented the “black crow” look of the 1980s. That’s a thing. Just take my word for it.

If that logical list hasn’t convinced you that this in fact the most fashionable kit ever to grace Ronaldo’s expertly epilated back, consider the fact that Real’s away kit is pepto bismol pink: