Am I really being that unreasonable??

Ok, I really need some perspective on this situation with my parents/family. Let me just start off by saying that my mother and I do not always get along, we argue a lot but I love her. After FI and I got engaged my parents were not exactly thrilled, but they accepted it and have been extremely helpful. They even offered to help us pay for the wedding which I told them was unnecessary. However, now they believe that they are paying for everything even though I told them directly that FI and I would be paying for some things ourselves. My mother is now attempting to control everything and makes us run all decisions by them. I’m fine with getting their opinion but now every decision is an argument. The main issue here is my mom is livid because I am not having any family in the wedding. I have no siblings and am only having my 4 close friends as bridesmaids. As soon as I got engaged, my parents called my dad’s sister and asked her to look into making it legal for her to marry us because she is a lawyer. She is apparently very excited to be officiating our ceremony, but my parents never asked us! We had no idea about this and asked someone else that FI and I are both very close with to marry us. My mom threw a fit when I told her. Now, my mother has been pressuring me to add one of her sisters to my wedding party or make her my personal attendant. I already have a maid and a matron of honor, plus two bridesmaids, and while I love my aunt, I do not want a personal attendant. I told my mother this and she told me to think about it. Well, I told her no again this past week, and she was so angry she told my aunt that I want her to be my personal attendant and I was just waiting for the right time to ask her. Now my aunt has been dropping hints about helping me get ready on my wedding day and I don’t know what to do!

Sorry this is so long, but it has been giving me a stomach ache to think about! What should I do? My parents want me to suck it up and have my aunts involved because they are paying for it, but my FI and I want the wedding to be about us and what we want because it is supposed to be our day. We’ve been compromising on a lot of stuff for this wedding and it already feels like it isn’t ours. What do I do now?

@missfenn: Is your wedding date right? You’re getting married October *2015*? If so, tell your mom wedding planning is stressing you out and you’re waiting until this October to do anything else. Then start saving and refuse her money.

Otherwise, maybe talk to your dad if he’s more reasonable. Explain that the family pressure is getting to you and making it really hard to enjoy wedding planning. Maybe you can find a way to involve your aunt in another way. Does she know your relationship with your mom is difficult? I had a bad relationship with my mom and I could see asking one of my aunts to spend the day steering her away from me! If you don’t think it would cause more drama, you could “confide in her” that you’re having trouble with your mom and get her to be on your side and be your champion.

Your mom still sees you as a child and is micro-managing your wedding. You’re going to have to stand up to her. If they are paying for things, then those things should be discussed together but at the same time, you should push for what YOU want. It is YOUR wedding. As far as her telling other people that they are going to be involved in the wedding before speaking with you about it, or without regard to what you’ve already told her, that’s crossing a line and you need to put your foot down. I don’t care who’s paying, no one but the bride gets to pick who’s in her bridal party.

@missfenn: I think as far as your parents are concerned the only thing they really have a say in is things they are paying for. Other than that, all they can do is offer their opinion, you can say yes or object and move on. You need to have a talk with your parent about this.

As a mother myself I know, when my girls get married, I plan to pay for all of their wedding however, they can have what they want to an extent. If they want something else they will have to pay for it themselves.

@MexiPino: Yes the date is right. We’ve gotten an early start on planning and booking the big things right away. I am prepared to pay for the wedding without any help, and I told my mom that a few times already. So far most decisions have gone smoothly and I told my mom to stop buying things for the wedding without asking me. It is just her desire to have other family involved that I don’t know how to handle. I have no idea how to tell my aunts that I don’t want them to be the officiant and my personal attendant without hurting them, and I can’t think of another way for them to be involved. We already have other family as ushers, readers, and other smaller roles.

I’ve been handling their input on what they are paying for, I just have no idea how to stop them from making decisions that don’t involve money. (I don’t know if that makes sense.) Not every family member can have their own role on our wedding day because my parent’s both have huge families, but they definitely are trying to make that happen despite me telling them no.

@missfenn: Ahh, I understand that. I too come from large families and my mom’s is very close. The first time I got married, I couldn’t have any of my friends as bridesmaids because my mom made me have all my stupid cousins. I had 10 by that point, I wasn’t adding any more. I was too stupid to realize that I could have told her to stop and I could have had things my way and and actually saved them a lot of money because I would have had the wedding I am about to have with my FI now.

I know it may be hard but you’re just going to have to talk to them and try to make them see things your way. Do you get along with your dad better? Maybe you can talk to him first and then have him help you talk to your mom.