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6.07.2009

I'm Like the McRib. Back For a Limited Time. Except Not At All Like That.

So, this one time? Like two years ago? I had to start working because we were about to lose our house. Or was it our job? Our minds? I can't remember - it all runs together after so many months of ENDLESS JOYS. Anyway, if you remember, I started my own business which was fun for about as long as it took to run out of color coordinated post-its. Which is to say, briefly.

I then quickly reverted back to my old ways of womanly manipulation which involved evenings spent rolling around on the floor drunk - and not in a good way - moaning to Chris about how haaaard it was to work and also raise oooone chiiiild and why can't you just go play the Lotto or maybe you belong to an Indian tribe have you checked lately because they get checks for just BEING ALIVE?

Tragically, the whining episodes didn't have the same effect on Chris they had in the past. I was mostly left there, tufts of carpet in my hair, staring at the ceiling contemplating how I could quit working while maintaining the fantastical standard of living we had grown accustomed to complete with indoor plumbing and 99 cent Taco Night.

How exactly does one get into organ harvesting, I wondered.

But, alas, it was my plight.

Then when my business started getting busy, one of my clients - okay, my ONLY client - asked me to come work in-house for them. It was more money and seemed like a great excuse to buy some Gap straight leg trousers, so I accepted. And that's when I started spending my days hoping to catch a staple in the eye so I could go home.

Life Lesson Learned: I do not like working. No matter what pants I'm wearing.

It's hard to believe that it's been two years since I started working and yet if you look at my floors, my weight, or my cuticles, it's not hard to believe at all. I'm no multi-tasker that's for sure. But, I have performed well if I do say so myself considering that I reentered the workforce with no real marketable skills other than Wii tennis and picking up things with my toes (like hammers). Also, an uncanny ability to choose the winner of the Bachelor on the first episode. (Leaving that off my resume was painful, because come on. The first episode?)

We may not have a fully funded 401K yet, but I can hardly remember the last time we paid for milk with nickels, so I THINK THAT MEANS I WIN.

So, I'm done now. I think we can afford for me to quit working. Which is good because I quit my job yesterday. And it feels pretty damn sweet.

Now, can we get back to discussing more important stuff around here like why a mom at school asked if I was pregnant and then when I said I wasn't, ARGUED. WITH. ME? Not. Even. Kidding. I'll give you the details later. Right now, I'm going to go celebrate no longer being a contributing member of society. Way overrated.

Looking forward to the foot-in-the-mouth story; I mean, really - isn't the appropriate response to, "No, I'm not pregnant," to slink away in shame? Who argues?!? Even lamely saying, "Oh.. I guess you're just really.. you know.. glowing," is better than that, which is saying something.

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