Interview With Attack Shark in North Carolina’s Outer Banks

Hey. My name is Tooth Tuttle. Been a head boat captain here in Hatteras since before you was a pimple in the pool. Don’t much like talking to y’all with sand in the brain but it’s time somebody spoke up for the sharks out there. You see all that water? Wave after wave shimmering deeper than a humpback in heat. More daggone sharks out there than you got boots in Texas. I been knowing them good. Better than some high falutin college kid with a deegree in socialized seamanship. Thinking they know it all ’bout my friends. Hogwash! That’s right, I said ‘friends’. I been talking with sharks of every color, so to speak, since, well, for a long dang time. Now that they are getting more attention since that fake-ass movie, it’s time y’all knew the truth.

I’m here on the dock with Elsie, a 12 year old Bull that was with his buddies when they shooed them humans out of their house. I’ll do the interpreting since none of youse can read shark lips.

Hi Elsie. Try and stay still my friend. The people out there want to know what has you guys all riled up.

“Us? Riled? Man, you know what this piece of God’s little lake used to be like? Rolling hills of sea splashing along a bare shore. Not a two legged creature in sight. No cars, so ugly signs, no put together hunks of wood stretched out to our wading pools. No nothing but Heavenly Glory to swim and make love in. It was the Pool Of Eden! And we we were happy with each other. Even the mullets had a smile on their gills when we ate them.”

And now? What’s different, as if I don’t know.

“Now? Are you serious? Boats passing over tossing cans, plastics, black goo and God knows what into our living rooms. How would you like it? We talk with the dolphins and the things they see! What are you creatures trying to do? Spoil all the oceans with stuff you don’t want? Guess what Tooth, if you don’t want it, neither do we! Why, have you seen what’s under those white caps out there? Rusted steel! You sink your boats to let germs live off the rust then infect and kill our young. Empty tanks, empty cans, empty lives polluting our home. And it only gets worse. My daddy told me that 35 – 40 years ago, there was hardly a soul on these beaches. And the ones that did come, had respect for our homes. But now! You dig up the sand with your cars, leave oil and trash on our beaches to ebb back into our dining room. And you keep on coming! More and more every year. Taking away the beauty one sign after another house after every car. It’s madness I tell you!”

But, Elsie, ripping the limbs off our children don’t do much for your cause. People are afraid Elsie and that’s not good, is it?

“Listen up. We are as discriminating as alcoholism. Anyone is fair game! Sure, I don’t like to see your young folk get hurt but guess what? Their pain will pass but the fear will last forever. The more you two legged, air breathing creatures from the black lagoon are scared, the further you’ll stay away from the deep blue sea. If I came unwanted into your house would you shoot me or let me rob your house of every tuna fish can in the cupboard? You’d shoot me! Or at least you’d want to. And I wouldn’t blame you! You, that is most of you, are as stupid as you are ugly. People can take guns from each other but, brother I tell you, we sharks are not pulling the teeth out of ourselves! We will be armed and use our weapons whenever we are threatened. People can cave into criminals but we won’t cave into people!”

Now, Elsie, that’s quite pro found. Maybe we all can learn a little something from you. By the way, do you know anything about politics here on land?

“Do I! Why, in two weeks I will be announcing my run for president. You all get mealy mouth do nothings puffing their gills for what? Change of what? You all make my teeth hurt. It’s time for a Real change! It’s time to put a REAL shark in the White Poolhouse! Bring it on Donal Trump! I’m coming after you son, son!”