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Wednesday, April 29, 2009

To all my Ornery Love Kittens,I recieved a memo from the Reverend, and thought you might like to take a looksie.Enjoy!

Now, gather around friends, for a special message from our very Southern and very holy friend, Reverend Glen Anderson.

Celibanity and You: Opportunities

Are you tired of having to choose between the vast possibilities of hundreds of sexual partners you may have tonight? Stressed from being too attractive and overloaded with sexual appeal? Down with all the sci-fi elements of scientology, but just not believing the plot? Liking the idea of eternal life but tired of waiting for judgement day? Bored of the old, stuffy texts of God? Want to belong but don’t want to memorize passage after passage?

THEN DO WE HAVE A RELIGION FOR YOU!

Are you getting tired of always getting shown up in church by that snobby guy in Dockers shorts and Lacoste sweaters? Confused by all the rules and just don't know who to shoot your prayers to anymore? Allah, the Holy Ghost, Zeus, Tom Cruise? Who knows any more! God knows I wasn’t totally satisfied when I spent 25 years meditating with Tao monks in eastern Asia, and he also knows that I only pretended to levitate. To the homies and the bros, are you trying to get a little extra alongside eternal salvation…you know what I’m talking about! Well then it sounds that its time for a new religion. Oh but where can I find one? Your local Reverend Glen is here to help! Now I know I've saved many a soul with some of the commandments you've probably ceaselessly studied, but I'm here to offer even more.

MORE?!

More.

This religion I’m letting your get inside is the proud organization of Celibanity. It's a dream for those looking to impress the parents and more so the ladies, cause I know even you can remember our one rule.IT’S THAT EASY!There's only one proclamation. Once you remember this, oh will the acceptance roll in. These girls are holy, so the approval of the parents is an essential. Think of the stories the bros will flip over! Anything can happen at late night bible study. Hot damn, speaking of, the hour is getting late and I must depart, but I'm willing a-bet that this little taste of Celibanity has got you stimulated ready for round two. Remember our slogan!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Recently the topic of minority based government came up in a grade 11 english class. Canada is usually in such a predicament, hence our dear friend Stephen Harper always getting elected. Unfortunately the simple concept was lost amongst the young people that are supposedly the future(Hot Tamales!). So we decided to whip up this analogy.

There are 12 crazy teens, much like yourself, who want to have some wicked awesome fun this weekend.

Three of these children feel the urge that accompanies, as the teens call it "getting nuts and blazing some spliffs". (Class pauses for brief applause) This is the NDP.

Four of the kids decide they want to "get krunked" and "shotgun their dad's beers until they puke out their noses" (Class pauses for brief, slightly lowder applause) this is the Liberal party.

Then there is another, larger, group of kids, 5 to be precise. But remember, 5 is less than the combined seven of the Liberal and NDP parties. These five kids want to go to an art gallery, look at some interesting art, discuss philosophy and literature, and mostly, appreciate the fruits that natures tit has to offer. They want to listen to Beethoven, and talk about their feelings. They only drink cool beverages because hot is the temperature of hell, and in hell, as you may very well know, resides Satan, these kids know that drinking hot beverages makes Satan happy, needless to say, these kids are very, very, smart. (Class pauses to boo for a while, and Toby, the child that the teacher chooses to ridicule on a regular basis in front of the class begins to state how very much he enjoys freshly brewed herbal tea.) "Shuttup Toby! You're parents hate you!" says the teacher. Everyone laughs, that is, everyone except Toby. Anyways, as you may have guessed, this party is the conservative party.

Now, I see you have been thinking and doing math well beyond your years. You realise that since seven kids wanted to rock their bodies with substances, that's a majority, therefor that's what they do. Well unfortunately for you, you wasted your time doing your math, because that's not how government works, silly! Since, three children voted to smoke marijuana and four voted to drink wine coolers that their mother's bought them, all withing the subgroup, they do not count as seven, they count as two seperate groups of three and four. So all the kids must go to the art gallery. DAYUM!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Being the social butterfly I am, and being ridiculously popular and super cool among my millions of friends who would all just totally love to be with me, I was invited to many 4:20 parties. But, I refrained, and decided to go to the 4:20 party that all the cool people were at, God's 4:20. I went to the afternoon mass at my local parish, and this was where I met my best friend, and my pastor, Reverend Glen. Turns out, Reverend Glen has been around the block a few times, and really understands what kids nowadays are all about, and he gave me some lasting 4:20 advice that all Pigeon Stew readers should know...some of them rhyme.

Whiskey before frisky, very risky (he then proceeded to tell me an entertaining anecdote about him. his best college buddy, his college girlfriend, and the entire football team!)

Beer before beer, good to steer...your truck

Wine before dance...DON'T DANCE!

Lastly, and most importantly, smoking weed makes you awesome.

I hope that this advice has brought you the warmth and excitement that it has brought me, and I'm sure that it has left your mind erect and ready for action.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Tonight is the night of Four Twenty! On this most joyous of holidays the slowly minded band together to pay respects to their pagan god, Robert Marley. They go into a frenzy, enjoying his smooth reggae stylings, whilst abusing their bodies with man manipulated substances which were never intended for the meat bags that are their bodies have become. While they chant in a disorientated tumult in the streets during school and business hours, the elderly are enraged, and the few sober individuals in the premises are made incredibly uncomfortable. A couple true fans of this Robert Marley character become very disappointed at the blatant misunderstanding of Marley's views. And at this, we at Pigeon Stew would like to give a salute to anyone who was high at least twice today, especially those committed enough to get up at twenty minutes past the fourth hour of the morning so that they could participate in the legend that is 4:20.Until next year,

Happy 4:20!The Pigeon Stew CrewP.S If you check the post time, we're off to blaze some crazy shit together, I hope you are too!

Friday, April 17, 2009

Hello friends,Turns out, I'm Greek Orthodox, and we celebrate Easter one week later than Christians do. Why? Because we're usually wasted on the weekends, and when we sober up, have a nice bath, and clean up the stank in our beds, we realise we missed Easter, so we postpone it until the next week. I drew this picture asking you forgive my people for being rudy alcoholics, we're almost aboriginal when we get the booze into us.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

This Easter Season has brought everyone here at Pigeon Stew much love and comfort. Not only have we learned much about eachother, but in our shared experiences, we learned a little tidbit about ourselves too. As the Pigeon Stew team was attending Easter Mass together, we were caught in a comprimising dillema. We were doing what we usually do in mass, listening attentively and praying for salvation, when, well, I need to put this in context...

Priest: It is now time for the veneration of the Cross, this is a custom ceremony every Easter, and it is asked that you remain in silent meditation until our time in the church is over.Foxy: Hey Chowda, what does veneration mean?Chowda Chops: It’s when you kiss the wood of the cross to show your love for JesusFoxy: no way!Chowda Chops: why?Foxy: I love Jesus but he can’t make me kiss his wood!

I'm beginning to think this Jesus guy isn't who I thought he was...Pray for my Tarnished Soul,Foxy

Thursday, April 9, 2009

A Conversation Between the Creators of our holy Pigeon Stew!(all names have been changed to typical internet chatroom names to protect their identities)

Gary Masterson: heyCumDumpster69: hey you!Gary Masterson: knock, knock,CumDumpster69: who’s there?Gary Masterson: your lover, and I’ll always be thereCumDumpster69: Awe!Gary Masterson: I love you…so muchCumDumpster69: I love you too, I wish to embrace you, like the sky embraces the earth, in an eternal dance of loveGary Masterson: I wish to tongue kiss you while under the sea, but then realize I’m not under the sea, I’m just lost in your eyes. I wish to massage your back, like a Neanderthal in the spring time, fondling your naughty places...just because I can...CumDumpster69: Wait, lost as in lost in a forest? Or as in the hit ABC drama, LOST? Either way it is breathtaking.Gary Masterson: I’m losing my wood with all these questions! Let’s just get to the porking!CumDumpster69: okGary Masterson: (that’s street for sexing you up)CumDumpster69: Sexing? I though we were writing alternative poetry! I’m not that kind of girl Gary!Gary Masterson: You’re not any kind of girl! Why did you throw yourself at me like that? FILTHY!CumDumpster69: WHAT? Oh God. I HATE YOU!!!Gary Masterson: You’re hate brings me erotic pleasure! AHAHA! The more you want to screw me the less turned on I am you hideous cow!CumDumpster69: AWE NO! My mother told me I was beautiful!Gary Masterson: Too bad you’re mother is laughing her buns off AS WE SPEAK!CumDumpster69: Oh! You PIG!Gary Masterson: Takes one to know one!CumDumpster69: All this is getting old! Can we just get to the make-up sex now?Gary Masterson: Yeah baby go on webcam

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Our friend Chiko, a very talented masseuse and a warm, skilled lover, discussed with us today the overwhelming numbers of livestock who have had or are having children before they have made the holiest of holy vows. That is, they have not yet acknowledged the Lord, baby Jesus, as their saviour and therefore have not yet partaken in a matrimonial ceremony. For more information about this touching issue and to see how you can help, please visit: http://www.rpsawareness.blogspot.com/

In the meantime, please take the time to take a look at a drawing our friend Chiko made so you can begin to understand just how strong his feelings are towards this grippin world issue.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Hey everyone, I had a bad day today, like that song that everyone liked for a bit then after a few weeks everyone made fun of me for liking it because it wasn't new anymore and it hurt my feelings that someone would make fun of me for having a specific taste in music so I went and I crushed my ipod with my face into the pavement and got a black eye and went to school looking badass and everyone said I looked like I got in a fight at a gay club in Sanfrancisco so I covered it with makeup and went to school and then everyone said I REALLY looked like i got into a bar fight at a gay club in sanfrancisco. Anyways, here's my journal entry for today:

April 7, 2009Dear Diary,Today I heard two of my friends having a discussion about what I thought was cars, I heard one of them say "Wow! Look at that Gran-Tran!" So I proceeded to tell them "That's what my stepdad rides!", and as it turns out, they weren't talking about cars at all, Gran-Tran stands for "Grannie Trannie". Needless to say everyone is drawing pictures of my stepdad doing it with a Gran-Tran, that's hurtful, he is simply a nice guy, and doesn't deserve this.

I have a crush on this girl who refuses to go out with me or acknowledge my existance, so as I was rummaging through her knapsack at lunch hour to find a momento, I found a letter from a guy named Phil, it read :

Dear Candice,It’s a total bummer you want to wait for marriage.With adoration,Bill

I thought about how horrible Phil was for saying such a thing, but he is very pretty, so I could understand using such a tactic. As I walked by Candice's lunch table after stealing her gym shorts, I heard her talking to her friends about how tonight was the night her and Phil were going to go all the way, it's a Tuesday today, I don't even go out on Tuesdays, I would have been happy if she just wanted to join me to watch reruns of ABC's hit drama LOST, the characters timetravel now, it's pimptastic. But seriously I wouldn't have even touched her...partly because I'm an old fashioned guy and partly because I sweat...alot...copious amounts of sweat.

I used the word pimptastic outside of my journal today and was called a shturd...I didn't know it wasn't a cool thing to say.

I tried to make my personal goat Pinata today and was arrested just as I was lighting the fireworks, apparently the police have had an eye on me for a long time.

I was typing in Wingdings in Microsoft Word and found a startling fact, Wingdings hates jews...really, really bad.

I fear for my religion, for Hanukka, my Kippah, and my mother. Not necessarily in that order.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Hey there!This is a family recipe originally made by my great great uncle Pito, a mexican slave worker from Europe. We hope you enjoy our tasty funslice!

How to Create Your Own Goat Piñata:

Step 1: Find a stray goat, if you live in Essex, you can probably find one behind Billy’s Bar and Grill or in the basement of Chochi’s, if you don’t live in Essex, take a road trip to our beautiful town and wrangle your goat! Truly a hands on experience, and the kids will love the free knives!

Step 2: Buy a whole paycheques worth of candy, don’t worry, this shit is going to be insane, even better if you get hard candy because (SPOILER ALERT!) They might draw blood when we blow up this goat.

Step 3: Massage your goats’ throat as you put the candy into his mouth, this will force him to swallow the candy whole

Step 4: Find an abandoned car, if you live in Essex, you can find one in the Red Light District part of town, if you don’t, take a road trip to our beautiful town, we have a SCHINKLES MEAT MARKET!

Step 5: Cover the car in Chipotle barbeque sauce

Step 6: Force the goat into the abandoned chipotle barbeque saucy car

Step 7: Light fireworks and throw them at the gas tank of the car, which if done correctly will most likely cause a pretty substantial explosion

Hey there! Welcome to Essex District High School! I hear you haven't been keeping up with all of our friendly little memos! Anyhow, the restrooms have really been a terrible problem as of late, so without further ado, obey the rules, Terry Lyones does, you should too!

Why We're Sexy

So you've finally come to see what all the hype is about. Well, thats a good thing I suppose, curious stranger. Do you have copious amounts of money, want to be famous, or want ripped abs? Want to give us bunches of money with these false expectations? Send an e-mail to us and we will figure out how you can donate! pigeonstew@gmail.com