Monday, March 25, 2013

The recent headlines carried a story of President Obama's facilitation of an apology by the Israeli Prime Minister, Benyamin Netanyahu to the Turkish Prime Minister, Tayyip Erdogan. The apology was important; it lead Turkey and Israel, two important allies of the United States, to agree to resume the diplomatic relations that had been suspended for a year following Israel's interdiction of a Turkish flagged ship that lead to the death of multiple passengers. Leaders from around the world have praised Netanyahu for the political courage to make the apology and Erdogan's courage to accept it.

But apology is important to all of us, not just between states at odds. How many times have you said or have you heard others say: "All I want is an apology!"

Why apologize?
When a co-parenting relationship has been strained by untoward comments or bad behavior, an apology can make things right again. Apologies restore dignity, trust, and a sense of justice. But delivering an effective apology may be more complicated than you realize..and responding constructively to an apology can also be difficult.

Should you always apologize?
In a word, no. Humans have a razor-sharp antennae for insincerity. If you don't feel apologetic, don't apolgize. You will do more harm than good.

What makes an effective apology?
There are four important elements to an effective apology:

Acknowledge that one's behavior caused hurt, embarrassment or fear. "I am calling to apologize for the things I said yesterday. My comments were out of line an embarrassed you in front of the children. I hurt you unnecessarily."

Express regret. Although saying "I'm sorry" is not enough for a complete apology, it is a necessary part of rebuilding trust.

Commit to fixing the problem and not repeating the behaviors. The apology should include a commitment to improved behavior and better self-restraint. "I've learned a lesson here; I won't bring up stuff when I'm upset. And I will fix this with this kids and let them know I messed up, not you."

Explain why the behavior occurred. Explaining why the behavior occurred may help but only if it does not seem to excuse the bad behavior. "I was upset because all my weekend plans fell apart and I took it out on you. I shouldn't have done that."

Responding to an apology

The key to responding to an apology is sincerity. If the apology can be genuinely accepted, a handshake or thank you can complete the repair.

But if you are not ready to accept an apology or to respond in kind, it is helpful to acknowledge the importance of the apology having been made, but indicate that more time is necessary before the apology can be accepted.

Exchanging apologies

When misunderstandings occur, people often hurt each other. To repair a relationshiip, it is often necessary for people to exchane apologies--each one acknowledging responsibility for ther part and agreeing to avoid such hurtful behaviors in the future.

About this Blog

Dr. Mark Otis has been a practicing psychologist in Dallas since 1979. He writes and produces multimedia educational and training material for divorce professionals and divorcing parents who want to improve their co-parenting, negotiation, mediation, and conflict de-escalation skills. Dr. Otis recently moved to Denver, Colorado where he continues his consultation practice.

Welcome Back, Pluto

If you have confronted many instances of parent-child alienation, you have probably encountered children who insist upon calling their rejected parent by their first name (or worse). Perhaps in most instances, the alienated children’s intent is to show contempt towards the rejected parent: “You don’t deserve the name Mom or Dad, you’ve lost the right to that respect.” Welcome Back, Pluto presents this issue to children and adults in an even-handed manner designed to replace contempt with compassion and hurt with understanding.

A Psychedelic Pluto

Pluto lit up for the holidays

Contact Mark Otis

email: mark@markrotis.com

Check out this new online divorce service

If you are a married parent living in Texas and are considering divorce, check out a new online service, Negotiated Divorce, for couples who want to conduct their own divorce. Negotiated Divorce was designed by legal, mental health and financial divorce professionals with over 90 years combined experience. Designed to be more than another document service, the site has extensive educational material and easy to follow instructions to help parents make informed agreements about parenting plans, financial issues, and property settlements. Based on a core value that "negotiated solutions are the best solutions," Negotiated Divorceis the only online service that offers extensive multimedia educational material focused exclusively on helping couples learn the skills and tools of negotiating that are so necessary to good agreements. . Check it out.

One of the hallmarks of divorce conflict is insufficient civility. Everyday, angry ex’ send contentious, nasty emails and texts that they...

Articles and websites of interest

It takes two to have a war, but perhaps only one to make peace. Read an article by three prominent Israelis with a unique perspective on the Israeli-Palestinian debate about how to achieve peace...Peace Without Partners...

If you are family lawyer wanting to improve your analysis of mental health professionals's evaluations of your clients (or if you are a mental health professional preparing to testify about an evaluation you conducted), be sure to read the two best books on the market:Confronting Mental Health Evidence and How to Examine Mental Health Experts. Written by John A. Zervopoulos, Ph.D., J.D., these books will organize your analysis, guide your questions, and improve your practice.

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Video links

Bargaining is often an essential component to how satisfied the parties feel about a negotiation. Making concessions back and forth reassures each party that the other side is willing to consider their concerns. But when an agreement is reached without either side making significant concessions, both parties may walk away dissatisfied, wondering if they could have achieved more.For a light-hearted look at this dynamic, watch this classic scene from Seinfeld where Kramer and Jerry’s father negotiate the sale of some raincoats.

Monty Python also took a look at bargaining -- but puts a reverse spin on it in this hilarious scene set in a middle east bazaar.

It's a negotiation! Or is it? Watch this lawyer, played by George Clooney, begin settlement discussionsin his client's divorce.

Interests are at the core of every negotiation. Can you identify the landlord's interests in this scene from The Tenant?

One can't succeed without risking failure. Check out these inspirational videos about infamous failures such as Abraham Lincoln and Michael Jordan if you feel that failure is weighing you down.

I've used this clip from the Wedding Crashers for years to illustrate the importance of the relationship between the parties to succeed at a negotiation. Don't be fooled by their sarcasism and cynicism, these mediators know what they're doing to help the divorcing parties reach an agreement.

Need to laugh?

It's important for all of us to be able to laugh at ourselves, including mental health professionals. Here's aclassic sketch starring Bob Newhart that pokes good fun at therapy.

Mindset

Do you know the difference between a fixed and a growth mindset? It's an important concept with which all parents should be familiar. Check out this informative and inspiring TedTalk by Eduardo Briceno.

Brandon Todd illustrates the importance of persistence to a growth mindset. Inspiring short documentary of how a man challenged himself to do what others said was not possible.