It’s been a sweaty week for the head honchos over at Stoke Travel, what with the leaked email Boatgate scandal and now the looming possibility of a Trump victory in the US Election – a particularly chilling prospect for a company that knows a thing or two about the plight of illegal immigrants. But as much as CEO Toby Paramor and Chairman of the Board Wade Gravy can empathise with an immigrant; for reasons obvious they can also relate to the plight of a misunderstood, middle-aged gazillonaire businessman. In an effort to placate the terrified Stoke team – largely made up of illegals and women – in the face of a possible Trump win, Paramor and Gravy today issued a memorandum reassuring Stoke staff that the company would survive, could in fact thrive, under a Trump government. The verbatim text of the co-written memorandum can be read below:

Dear Stoke crew,

We know that you’re worried about Donald Trump, and as a company we’ve previously made public our belief in his status as a choad. But in the interest of keeping morale high, we’ve put together a series of silver linings for Stoke Travel in the event of a Trump win. For the following reasons, a Trump win could be profitable for Stoke Travel to the point that Gravy could get his sleeve finished:

Free labour from deported Mexicans

Trump’s policy in relation to Mexicans can be summarised as follows: they are criminals and rapists that contribute nothing to America and they should all be deported immediately. As you are all aware, Stoke Travel largely runs on the unpaid labor of illegal immigrants, so this is great news for us. We will be forming an outreach team to personally contact deported Mexican families and offer them sanctuary as part of Stoke’s 2017 festival crew.

Free labour from displaced women

Trump’s policy in relation to women can be summarised as follows: they are nasty and you can grab them by the pussy whenever you want because they’re pretty much asking for it and even if they’re not what are they gonna do about it? If Trump wins, America will be even less safe for women than it currently is, so we’re expecting thousands of displaced women to begin fleeing the United States and seeking refugee status elsewhere. Stoke Travel will be sponsoring these women to live and work (for Stoke, for free) in Europe.

An exodus of left-wing and black Americans to more liberal destinations (e.g. Spain)

If we see a win for the Ku Klux Klan’s preferred presidential candidate, we’re expecting that there will be an exodus of left-wing and black Americans hoping to escape the new political climate before the KKK members have finished dusting off their hoods. These people will be looking for more politically left-wing places to live, such as Europe, and we’re not talking about France. Americans have traditionally been key consumers of the Stoke product, and we predict an increase in the American ex-pat population in Spain will see a significant boost in sales for our Spain-based products.

Impending US-Chinese-North Korean nuclear war

As noted above, Americans have always formed a significant part of Stoke’s customer base, but the 2016 summer season saw a drop in sales to Americans due to their current, pervasive fear of terrorist attacks in Europe. If Trump wins, it will only be a matter of time before America is engaged in nuclear war with one or more countries. This will revive Europe’s image as a safe holiday destination for our American client base, thus we should see sales to the American sector came back stronger than ever.

Australia comparatively less embarrassing

As you know, we, your fearless leaders, hail from Australia. In recent years, the embarrassment over the genocide and mistreatment of indigenous populations has been compounded by inhumane immigration policies, our reluctance to legalise marriage equality, the slow destruction of the Great Barrier Reef and the return of Pauline Hanson. If Trump is elected in America this week, Australia will look like a veritable utopia by comparison, which will in turn do wonders for Stoke Travel’s public image and the connotations of our brand.