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Tuesday, November 3, 2009

WARNING - this post may contain information that is not suitable for children, babysitters or BY teachers.

Thanks to Nameless Faceless for inspiring this one... her post made me realize that I've got to work on my gag reflex.

They used to say that Jewish girls don't give blowjobs.

Guess Monica Lewinsky changed that up. Or maybe she just 'blew' our cover - maybe we just wanted to keep our guys thinking that a BJ from a Jewish girl was a very rare and special gift, necessitating a very rare and special gift in return, preferably diamonds.

I think I was in middle school when the whole Bill Clinton scandal erupted. I didn't know what the big deal was - surely a cheating President was nothing new...(we'd all heard about JFK + Marilyn Monroe... and side note - don't I kinda look like her? Marilyn, not Monica)

I remember Barbara Walters asking Monica whether oral sex was considered sex. I was shocked by this question. Didn't Barbara know the difference? (I was actually also kind of surprised that someone over the age of 16 knew what oral sex was....I kinda thought our generation had invented it.)

At my co-ed MO day school, probably starting in middle school, bj's were something that happened. We all knew which girls were doing it, which boys they were doing it with, and we loved talking about them - and it. When you're at that age when you're learning about how your own body works, learning about how the opposite sex's body works feels like getting in on the hugest secret ever. And girls love sharing secrets. Some girls kept lists of their conquests (thank you feminism) and showed their lists to their 'best and closest friends' who in turn told everyone else. Sure those girls were labeled sluts, and sure we sang 'Hi Ho, Hi Ho' as they walked the halls, but maybe the rest of us were just a little jealous that these girls got to know and see what 'it' was all about.

Maybe it was because of the Bill-Monica situation, or maybe because word had finally reached adult ears of the 'infamy' of our school's girls... that the administration decided to take action. They hired one of the rabbi's wives to give us what was essentially a one-time sex-ed course, obviously not labelled as such. We basically spent two hours making her explain why bj's aren't kosher - she blushed the entire time and said it was 'yucky' and that she couldn't imagine doing that with her husband. I think we were more than happy to hear that last part. I don't think anything else she said was all that effective.

So are bj's kosher? Well - does it really matter? Even if it isn't, will it stop anyone?

You have it all wrong my friend, according to all of my non-Jewish and non-religious friends they say that Jewish girls not only giove the best blowjobs, but they give blowjobs more willingly than their cooters.

...I know, it's retarded for me to be responding to this in any sort of seriousness, but, I figure I might as well share some of my wisdom!

Obviously outside of the context of marriage it's not quite "kosher". ..I've always thought that the licentiousness of our children should allow for a difference in the way we try to bring them to religion...

'During' marriage can actually get very complicated (take it from me who's probably learned all the 'innapropriate' gemaras when I was young!).

The Talmud in the end of the second chapter of Nedarim (20 a and b) records an opinion that anyone who performs this same act, on his wife (it's absurd to think they were unaware of such behavior back then) or any other unusual sexual practices (a notable issue is the problem of cohabitation in a lit room) his children will have defects based on the nature of the infringement. Yet this isn't the majority opinion. The majority of deciders in the Talmud say that "a couple can do whatever they consent to. Just as when one buys meat from the market, if he wishes to salt it he may salt it, if he wishes to fry it he may fry it, if he wishes to cook it, etc" And even the stringent opinion himself, when approached by concerned wives (who said things like "I set the table before my husband, but he switched it", with her obviously being the table) he was ok with it ("The Torah allowed you to your husband, what can I do").

These two opinions became two differing approaches to the subject in Judaism, with either opinion having legitimacy. I've even seen books of contemporary poskim arguing vigorously on the subject. Suffice it to say opinions of people like Shmuely Boteach on the subject have a good amount of truth to them. I mean, I've spoken to non-Jews to whom the give-and-take of oral-sex is a chore. This action which has the potential to arouse eroticism has been totally dried of it's potential. So what better course of action than to introduce innovation only when it is 'necessary', not to early, but not not at all...

In a marriage, I believe that there is nothing unkosher about blowjobs, but for teenagers and unmarried people, it is not kosher or tznius. In general, though, why would anyone willingly put one of those things in their mouth? It makes me nauseous just thinking about it. Ughh. But married people should not be worried about its kosherness.

In a nice, religious-sounding opinion, blow jobs and cunnilingus in the context of marriage is totally cool. I think the idea of someone wanting to pleasure their spouse, without them getting any type of orgasm out of it (unless that's what you're REALLY into), is pretty selfless. Also if he's fearful of ejaculation outside of his wife's body, then she can just stop blowing him and they can revert back to normal intercourse, duh.

Everyone knows the fish thing, but that doesn't jive with the equally well-documented "don't spill your seed" thing. Then we dissect what that actually means, throw in a little cum-hungry/demon producing Lilith action and -- voilà! -- thousands of years later, Jewish women everywhere breathe a sigh of relief while their husbands just hold their breath for a decent bj.

I think that 99% of things in the sexual realm only enhance the intimacy between a husband and a wife -- which is the most important, most unique aspect of a marital relatonship. After all, isn't this stuff how God chose to bind us together as pairs? Things you do with your husband or wife shouldn't ever be seen as dirty or wrong, so just blow him already, ok?

The first non-jew never gave head. After close to a decade, she finally gave it, but infrequently at best.

The wife (now ex) gave head a little more frequently, but generally had "enthusiasm" for 5-10 minutes at best. Then complained.

Flings in between the long-term girlfriend and the wife included more non-jews. Two of them were Irish. They both gave phenomenal head. One did it fast, to make me orgasm multiple times. The other dragged it out for 1-2 hours in order to make the first orgasm insanely big.

Fast forward to today. Dating a jew. This girl gives the best head I've had to date. Wants the entire process to feel good and will go for up to 2 hours without ever removing her mouth.