Dear KD: Who Do I Get With?

There’s Jon and there’s Felix.

Jon and I started chatting on Facebook 11 months ago, in October 2016. He was overseas at the time, but has been back to Nigeria since April and we still haven’t met. I spend a lot of time on the social media, so yeah, I meet people and overtime build cyber relationships. Jon and I had one and we made promises to each other, promises I took seriously.

However, before Jon, I’d made the online acquaintance of Felix in December 2015. He wasn’t an easy acquaintance to make, not at all like I would come to enjoy with Jon. Felix hardly replied my messages, and when he did, they were mostly short and annoying. He was also overseas. Just when I was about to give up on him, he suddenly started warming up to me.

Now in 2017, I’d lost all contact with Felix, and Jon and I were cyber-dating, even though he is back to Nigeria and months later, we still hadn’t met. Then in July, I was on Instagram when I saw Felix’s story, a sight of him at the gym that caused me to slide into his DM. he responded when I said “hey”, and when he asked where I was and I said “Jos”, he sent my heart leaping when he said he was in Jos too. Apparently, he too was back in Nigeria, but unlike Jon, right in my area.

Following the chatversation, we met and hung out till very late in the night, too late, it turned out, for me to get any transport back to my place. He suggested paying for a room in the hotel where he was staying for me to stay the night. (He was in Jos for a long-term project and had rented the deluxe apartment in the hotel with his colleagues for the whole year they’d be working on the project) After I got settled in the room, he joined me and we made out a lot. There was no sex; I wasn’t ready for it. I hadn’t done it in a long while and he didn’t push for it.

Meanwhile, my communication with Jon had become strained. Calls had reduced and the chats on WhatsApp weren’t as frequent because he was hardly online. Excuses piled high whenever the conversation about traveling to see each other came up. Considering all this, and with Felix back in the picture, it was only natural for me to want to focus on the man I had rather than the man I was having a hard time having.

But I like Jon very much.

And I like Felix. And as much as he’s present and I know I should break up with Jon so I can focus on him, taking that kind of step for Felix scares me. I fancy myself falling in love with Felix already but I’m not sure he feels the same way about me. He has mentioned asking me out a few times but that is yet to happen. I don’t even know if we are already dating or simply friends with benefits (we’ve had sex a few times since that night). There’s no definition for what we are, and that unsettles me. I like a relationship with a definition. It tells me what I’ve signed up for and I’m ready to stay focused on it. And that’s what Jon and I shared.

And about Jon, my feelings for him haven’t completely waned. We still chat and now, he’s talking about definitely coming to see me in Jos. He has told me he loves me and I have told him too. Before Felix, I believed my declarations of love with all my heart; now, I just feel like a liar anytime I tell Jon that I love him, because I’m not sure of the sincerity of those words anymore.

And so, I’m caught in this emotional trap where I don’t know who to take the definite step for – Felix who’s right here but who may or may not want with me the things I want with him, or Jon who isn’t close but appears to be dedicated – whenever he can get to the phone – to having a relationship with me.

15 Comments

Demand a serious conversation with both of them and go from there. The one wey serious go f@ll in line and if both aren’t serious, fuck, clean mouth and move on to another potential relationship person

I have a feeling that John and Felix are not even yours. One is a fuck buddy and the other a potential one. If you really want something more serious, continue with your search. your religious reference to the status of overseas residency betrays your reverenced for folks who live abroad so I will add that you extend your search beyond the shores of Africa or better still ,dollar earning oyibos already resident in Nigeria.
Good luck

Hey Gad!
I don’t have a particular preference for men who live abroad. I don’t even have the time to seive the ones in Nigeria and those who aren’t. I just happen to know a few. Whoever, wherever, let’s just be on the same page.

I don’t think it’s as complicated; only it sounds like you’re hung up on Felix, but scared he’d disappoint you so you’re holding on to Jon as a backup plan. you’re already ‘involved’ with Felix, stop waiting for him to ask you out. Ask him yourself, gauge his reaction and behaviour after, then go from there. If he’s for real, you’d know, and if he’s not, oh well, at least you tried!

Ahh ! to be young and foolish again, don’t we all miss those moments of hopeless aspirations?
Sweet Tali, nothing is gonna come out from both relationships (if there is even any to begin with) it is all in your head. Felix is looking for a fuck buddy to make his stay less stressful and Jon is AWOL… Probably because he doesn’t really care much about you to stage a meet or he has most likely been cat fishing you and doesn’t want to expose his real self to you.
Snap out of that love you think you feel for Felix and enjoy that dick and every other luxury that comes with sleeping with him (he sounds loaded ) he will go back and just like before he most likely wouldn’t maintain contact.
As for Jon, keep playing it cool with him, if he ever decides to meet, then that’s cool, if he doesn’t ,move on sweetie! The world is filled with billions of men with dangling cocks, why obsess over one?
**********
Sweetie, please make sure you always protect yourself ….these abroad guys can carry diseases for Africa, stay safe and don’t over think it, just have a good time, it doesn’t hurt till you start catching unnecessary feelings. You sound quite young, you will find love am sure, I don’t just see it with either Felix or Jon.
******

In a very Foxydevil manner!
I’m all about being the best version of myself right now. Trust me, the lectures about protection I get from my mum is enough to last a lifetime. You might want to think twice about coming to Jos. It ain’t worth the shit! Lol. Thanks so much.

What u need to do is have sex with both of them and get it out of your system once and for all. And while youre at it, stop throwing up the word “love” anyhow. You are not in love. Maybe just in love with the idea if love, but mostly infatuated. So ditch the deceptive dilemma, thank me later!

Take Jon out of the equation, please. He isn’t there. Online love, to me, is most times superficial. You can’t say you love someone via social media until you meet with the person. Trust me when I say this.

Now that Jon has been taken out, as should be, let’s focus on your Felix.

Now what’s with some of us and waiting to be asked out? Ehn? You are a man. He is too. Why should you be sitting cross-legged waiting to be asked out by him? What if he’s doing the exact same thing? ?
Ask him out yourself since you love clarity! Ask him out and find out where you stand or keep waiting for a non-disclosable amount of time.

You won’t get any answers by sitting and waiting and writing and hoping. Do something. And please, quit being the princess.
For your sanity. ?

I’ve cut all ties with Jon. That’s something I should’ve done a long time ago but then I’m still glad that I’ve done it. Felix is out of town and will be back this weekend, so yeah we’re going to have that conversation Francis suggested. I’m ready for whatever happens after that.
Thanks for all your contributions.