Thursday

7 Songs a Singin'...

I work in a very small office. People take certain liberties in that office - like turning on the office stereo to blare Christmas music since way before Thanksgiving. I don't mind it - I love Christmas music - good Christmas music. But the station we have it on is kind of pushing me over the holiday cliff when I'm already stressed enough. I would have to say that there are ups and downs to listening to an all-day Christmas music channel - I mean there are only so many songs out there. So, much like the emotional ebbs and flows of the workday, there are mood highs and lows invoked by the playlist of the local radio station as well. Experiencing the range of roller coaster - like emotion during this playlist, I felt compelled to come up with a Top 7 List of songs to avoid at all costs if you are stressed this holiday season. The feelings the following songs bring range from maniacal to mental, cranky to crazy and looney to loco. Please don't get me wrong - I love 98% of the holiday songs out there but the 2% make me wanna bang my head on my keyboard, not a Christmas drum.Based on the past few days of constant caroling in and around my desk, I've compiled a list of the top 7 songs you should avoid at all costs if you are stressed out this holiday season.These will only make it worse.Trust me. (And yes, these are just the ones that make my head hurt - I don't expect anyone to agree with me, but please, feel free to comment with your most -loathed or most -loved carols..)#1, Numero UNO, Absolute Worst song to listen to - Jingle Bells - Barbara StreisandIf you are already tipping the crazy scales - one listen to this Christmas-on Crack song will push you over the edge. Don't do it. When this song comes on I want to beat my printer with a baseball bat Office Space-style. 2. The Christmas Shoes by New Song - I thought Christmas jingles were supposed to be upbeat and happy? Sweet Baby J - this one makes me want to drive off the road from the sobbing. Must. Change. Channel. If I had a flask of whiskey at my desk, I would have consumed every last drop of it to get me through the depression that song put me through.3. Christmas Wrapping ~ The Waitresses- Not sure if it's the monotonous sounds of the singing, the fact that I miss my early twenties when I hear this song, or that I still don't know the words after 3 decades of listening to this over and over again. The fast, rap-like lyrics make me equal parts jittery and stabby. I feel like I need to be marching with a baton in Big Lots when I hear this in the store. The horn makes my ear bleed. Is that a real horn or one of the New Year's Eve blowers? Ooof. Painful.4. Santa Baby - Madonna's version. - also known as the Gold Digger's Christmas song. Awful. I hate everything about this song. It should be the theme song to the Real Housewives' Christmas special. Sadly enough, it's one of the few hit Christmas jingles written by a woman. *cringe* Sure we all want nice things for Christmas - but no one wants to hear the innuendos promised in exchange for a yacht. 5. I'm sorry - I'm sorry in advance, truly I am - and for the record I am a peace loving nutter for the most part...but I have to put John Lennon Happy Christmas. I'm going to follow the Barenaked Ladies lead on this and just blame it on Yokey. Is it just her singing the background lyrics or is it an entire group of first graders? Regardless, it makes me want to staple my ears shut with my red swingline. Sorry folks - it's coming in at number five. This is a good lead in to my number 6...6. (Simply having a ) Wonderful Christmas time - Paul McCartney. And why wouldn't he? He's rich as rockefeller, a successful musician - one of the most loved people in the entire world so yeah, it's simple - ding dong - ooohhhh ohhhhh ohoh ohhh doot do doot doo doot do. No. Not even a little. It's just a slow, painful earbleed. The kind that sticks in your mind all day so no matter what you do, you're either whistling, humming, or struggling with the words for the rest of the day.7. Santa Claus is Comin' To Town - Bruce Springsteen. I'm so sorry, I do love the Boss - seriously I do. I could do without this song though. I feel like he need a hot chocolate and a blanket - maybe a back rub or something - he seems tired, out of breath, and in dire need of a break from even speaking. Shhh...don't sing - don't speak...just chill out Bruce. What's so funny? Are you drunk? Ooof then he starts struggling at the end and I just have to turn it off - he can barely finish his words and I'm not sure if he's laughing or he's crying - what's he doing? I never know what he's dooooing at that part. I'm exhausted by the end of the tune. And I need Motrin. Why put that happy little piano jingle in the last 4 seconds and try to make it all better? It's too late, I'm traumatized.That's all for my Holiday Earworms - - I'm hoping I get some of those Bose noise canceling headphones for Christmas so that next year, I can just pop those on at my desk when any of the 7 Deadly Songs come on.I will leave you with a laugh - and let me tell you - if this cd was available - I would buy it and play it on a constant loop because it makes me cackle hysterically every single time I watch it.Enjoy.

Adding to the list of "drive off the road sobbing" - Skip Ewing's Christmas Carol. I can handle that maybe once per season. Some of the slower songs kill me (looking at you "Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas") ZzZzZzZzZzZAs soon as I get to a computer with speakers I'm watching that skit - anything from SNL has to be good!

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