Secondly, I will also tell you that the seminar I've prepared is more than entertaining; it's actually a major opportunity to get in on the "ground floor" of a tremendously exciting business venture. I can't tell you what this venture is, and I also won't confirm or deny that it involves time shares, but I will point out that the weather is quite lovely in Boca Raton at this time of year and just leave it at that. Plus, in addition to all of this, I will be giving out prizes, which will consist mostly of stuff I have lying around at home. For example, if you can believe it, Rapha actually just sent me some of their "performance skincare:"

This was very generous of them, and I'm honestly grateful, but the truth is that I have an aversion to scented unguents, and I could smell this stuff before it even got off the mail truck. (It smelled kind of like the bowls of potpourri they keep by the door in the sorts of shops that sell candles and teapots.) I'm also an avowed "lowbrow" when it comes to chamois cream (if you don't know, chamois cream is the stuff you put on your "lowbrow"), and the local pharmacy serves my crotchal needs just fine. (My motto is: "If it's good enough for a diaper, then it's good enough for my bib shorts.") Also, I once had an accident involving hot embrocation that is too graphic to relate here, and I'm now afraid to get anywhere near the stuff.

So, what this means is that I will award this deluxe Rapha Performance Skincare fun-pak as a prize at my BRA. By the way, it will also come in this Rapha sack, which is perfect for pretentiously storing that spare tubular tire you keep toe-clipped to the underside of the saddle on your Serotta, ostensibly in case of a puncture but in reality merely as a sort of "retro" affectation:

Or you can stuff it full of potpourri and hang it in your closet.

But this isn't the only prize I will dispense. I'll also rummage around and see what else I can find, and these items could include lights from Knog as well as perhaps a t-shirt or two. Moreover, I will attempt to dispense these items in a fashion that is enjoyable to all present. So I hope to see some of you there on Saturday, and I hope you will refrain from pelting me with cheese steaks.

In this emotionally charged race, Jacob's Ladder was the clear favorite:

IV: Best STI

It was a very tight race, but the "Upright" configuration won by a rattly worn 9-speed STI lever top cap:

V: Best Owner "Curated" and Piloted

Also a very close race, in the end "Steering Wheel Guy" flipped "The Kansas Sail" the "bird:"

VI: "Freestyle"

(Anything Goes!)

And finally, in the always sensational "Freestyle" competition, the Terry Gilliamesque network of pneumatic tubes that is the "???" cockpit won decisively:

Thus having established the best-of-breed, it's now time to determine the Best In Show and finally put this contest to bed like a naughty dachshund. Simply vote below for the cockpit you like best, and the number of votes each cockpit receives will determine the first, second, and third place finishers:

Once the voters are in, that will be that, and three very lucky and potentially overstimulated people will receive their "Cockie" coffee.

Speaking of elections, a number of people have informed me that this bloated saddlebag was recently elected the mayor of Toronto:

Sadly, all I can do is offer the people of Toronto my condolences. I was particularly confused by his self-defeating argument that people shouldn't ride bikes because "roads are built for buses, cars, and trucks, not for people on bikes," since if anything it means that the roads need to be upgraded. That's like saying people shouldn't use computers because "our communication infrastructure was built for letters and telegraphs, and not for the Internet." Of course, he does have a sensitive side:

My heart bleeds for ‘em when I hear someone gets killed, but it’s their own fault at the end of the day.

His heart may be bleeding, but I suspect it's due not to the dead cyclists but to his corpulence, and that it has ruptured from the strain of pushing blood through his fat-clogged arteries. Unfortunately for him, "artificial hearts are built for health-minded people with congenital heart defects, not for people who eat all their meals at Tim Hortons."

At first I was puzzled as to why a minimalist with a small amount of stuff would need such a big apartment:

But then I remembered that he and his girlfriend actually had a whole lot of stuff--until they broke up, leaving him in a typical "my girlfriend just left me" apartment. Fortunately though he still has a full wardrobe that easily contains at least 57 hangers:

He also still has his bike, which may or may not be a fixie but definitely has the top-mount-lever-only brake lever configuration so conducive to that "out of the saddle, hands on the bar tops" thing that "hipsters" love to do:

Meanwhile, CBS Evening News juxtaposes the incidental minimalism of a guy whose girlfriend just left him with the cluttered apartment of a former sorority sister who desperately clings to her sticker and shoelace collection:

Here she is standing in her closet:

I give it six weeks before she and "57 Things" guy move in together, and six months before she leaves him after a protracted fight about closet space.

They even talk to a professional organizer, whose orderly wood pile is a testament to his abilities:

But who fails to explain how having a bunch of cabinets you don't use is "minimalist:"

Really, it's no different from having a bunch of stickers you don't stick to anything, or a box of shoelaces you don't put in shoes.

By the way, I'd bet my Ironic Orange Julius Bike that the professional organizer with the tidy woodpile owns one of those artisanal axes:

Even though they're hopelessly out of style, since a reader informs me that it's now all about the designer pick axe:

Thanks to that rescue in Chile, urban lumberjacks are out, and "hipster" miners are in.

The Toronto and Calgary political contrast only reinforces what I and many Québécois have thought for a long time...Toronto SUCKS!I've been to Calgary, and I've never seen a friendlier city. Bravo, Calgary, and F*** off Toronto!

When Rob Ford eats at Tim Horton's, he brings his own pitcher of melted cheese.

Rob likes to call the huge Toronto Asian community, "orientals". Ironically, this same group voted in a fat, dumbass, pothead, wife beater, over the possibility of the first gay Mayor. Ford is just not fabulous.

His first order of business is to remove $9B worth of transit upgrades. If he gets all the Streetcars, buses and bikes off the road, there will be less traffic, because the other option is teleportation.

Yes, he really is that stupid. Canada can now officially drop all political smugness, for as bad as Rush Limbaugh is, no one has voted him into any office.

True story: I went to school with this asshole, he always knew where to get weed.

I promise to make fun of Toronto Tuesday night once I'm sure we haven't elected any wack jobs here. For now I think I'll order a Toronto Cycling Map as a collectible.Go ???! If we make it famous, maybe someone will post video and we can see how the damn thing works.

All the fat kids we teased in grade school (Karl Rove, Rob Ford) are now in politics with a chip on their shoulder, though you often can't see it due to their many many chins. Or neck folds. Whatever that stuff is hanging over their shirt collars. Is that guy a Jabba the Hut or what? Geez. How about laying off the spoonfuls of raw animal lard each morning for breakfast?

Of course, this guy got elected, right? Nice job Toronto! Now you are really just Les Etats Unis du Nord!

The newly elected Mayor seems to have fried more than a few brain cells and given himself over to more than a few bouts of the munchies.

But we here in the lower 48 can't be too smug. Mr. Ford's physique and tranportation views remind one of the current New Jersey governor who just killed a rail tunnel under the Hudson. The reasoning must be that fewer local jobs will result in fewer locals and thus no need for additional public transportation infrastructure.

And we here in the lower 48 will certainly elect someone equally dumb on Tuesday -- there sure are a lot of dummies to choose from.

1. The roads aren't built for bikes. Shit, is that fucking obvious to everybody or what? Yes, they need to be modified, but the fucktards who built the damn things weren't thinking about cyclists at the time.

2. It's often the cyclist's fault. Snob has posted seemingly endless photos of bike salmons, idiots running red lights, fixie douchebags going down expressways without brakes, but when Mr. Ain't Missing no Meals points it out, you all go crying off to Mamby Pamby land. Bunch of fucking crybabies.

3. Yeah, he could use another cheeseburger. Fuck him. Fuck you too. Crybabies.

@cyclotourist - The chair is not what makes a recumbent, it's the lying down. The chair is just what facilitates the reclining (usually). JL's use of the chair (of dubious origins: office? lawn? auto?) is adding to the ZBC factor, not detracting from it.

The common generational illusion that each grouping has found a new challenge unique and discreet to itself.Hipster is not a new groove because Sinatra ran that rabbit years ago.But defending the illusion is not enough as there will be usurpers.Fool enough to believe the pie in the sky is reserved for them.On the street brakeless arrivistes collide in blissful oblivion.

Anon 10:42, I've seen the start of that video before and given that Bike Snob is the sole purpose of the internet as far as I'm concerned I assume that I saw it here. However, thanks for posting the address as it is worth watching all the way through, it only gets better/worse. I would suggest that they are in fact hipsters... Hyper Hipsters. There is the extreme fixie skillz of course, but take a closer look and notice the black jeans so tight they can only be removed with an artisanal rescue knife and the retro nationalistic leotards worn with such a refined and cutting sense of irony that the sentiment appears authentic to the casual observer. If you keep your eyes peeled you may even catch a fleeting glimpse of the nasty full body art lurking beneath their long sleeved outfits. A couple videos back on that same site you can view the Daschund of Time passing time:http://www.wimp.com/fetchmachine/ce

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!