“A new heresy has been discovered,” he said. “We must stamp out this burst of hell-fire before it spreads over the surface of the earth…. Freedom of conscience is a doctrine of the devil…. Better to have a tyrant, however cruel, than permit everyone to do what he pleases.”—John Calvin.

“Whoever shall now contend that it is unjust to put heretics and blasphemers to death will knowingly and willingly incur their very guilt.”—John Calvin.

Because of these Pure Doctrines—-‘Athiest Christopher Hitchens called (our Final Prophet) Calvin a “sadist and torturer and killer,” but who listens to atheists anyway?’

The most famous of these was a Spanish theologian named Michael Servetus. Servetus, who had been arrested and imprisoned by the Catholic church already, attended a sermon in Geneva. He was recognized and arrested in church for heresy. Why because he disagreed with the doctrines of the trinity and of infant baptism. Calvin engineered his prosecution, acted as a key witness for it, and then lobbied for Servetus’ death. Result? Servetus was burned at the stake.

When other Reformers of the day protested the execution of Servetus for a mere doctrinal disagreement, Calvin was incensed: “A new heresy has been discovered,” he said. “We must stamp out this burst of hell-fire before it spreads over the surface of the earth…. Freedom of conscience is a doctrine of the devil…. Better to have a tyrant, however cruel, than permit everyone to do what he pleases.”

Yes, that’s a real quote.

In 1551 Calvin was confronted by a reformer called Jérôme Bolsec, who accused him of making God out to be the author of evil in deciding the fate of the damned before their creation. Bolsec was imprisoned by the magistrates and lucky to be banished from the city.

There were a total of 57 people executed in Geneva during the 4 years of John Calvin’s power over the city of Geneva.

Twenty-three people, mostly women, were burned at the stake was witches. Calvin wrote later that they were found guilty for trying to use witchcraft to spread the black plague.

Several people, mostly women, were executed for the capital offense of adultery.

One little girl was executed for slapping her mother. But that’s just Old Testament law, right?

Jacques Gruet was arrested, tortured for 30 days and, upon confession, beheaded for being an atheist.

Michael Servetus was burned at the stake for being a heretic.

This isn’t to mention a number of other crimes, such as a number of women in Geneva being thrown in prison for the “sinful practice” of dancing. But on Calvin’s 500th birthday, a number of Calvinist theologians have been using the occasion to make the news and defend Calvin.

Christopher Elwood, author of Calvin for Armchair Theologians, a concise summary of Calvin’s life, said “So everyone back then was intolerant. You can’t blame Calvin. In fact, Calvin didn’t want to kill Servetus, he just wanted Servetus to recant his doctrinal error. In fact, Calvin even tried to be lenient and have Servetus beheaded instead of burned at the stake. You wouldn‘t think it, but Calvin was actually deeply influenced by Renaissance humanism.”

“1 – Geneva was a Christian state. In Christian states, denying Christian doctrine is a capital offense. This wasn’t Calvin’s fault. 2 – Other churches like the Catholics burned “heretics” at the stake too. 3 – The Catholics already were planning on killing Servetus for heresy against their church anyway. 4 – Other Protestant Reformers would have killed Servetus too, I mean come on, this heretic was against infant baptism. 5 – Calvin wouldn’t have prosecuted Servetus if Servetus had just admitted that he was wrong. 6 – Calvin just wanted Servetus beheaded – that’s more humane. 7 – This could be seen more as a fault of the culture of the day, not the fault of Calvin’s.”

Oh, ok – we should sympathize with Calvin then. After all, he really was a great Bible scholar.

“Look, just because Calvin had all these people executed doesn’t mean his theology was wrong. Geeze, ok, ok, so some of them were executed for disagreeing with his theology – well doesn’t mean they were right. Calvin could have still been right. Do you realize how arrogant it was of Servetus to foolishly go to Calvin’s church. He probably thought he could debate Calvin. Well, he was wrong.”

Elwood also noted that even though Calvin’s predestination doctrine denied the free will of man and seemed to mean that God destined the majority of people to damnation in hell, Calvin and his followers would never emphasize this. “This isn’t something they would push in your face. If you asked them about it, they’d answer you, but no one was burned at the stake for refusing to believe that God created people to go to hell.”

Today we Discernmentalists and all members of the GOIP—God’s Only Inerrant Party otherwise known as The Calvinazi Party/The Theocratic Calvinist Christian Fascist Party or CCFP for short celebrate the Pure Christian Fruits and Pure Doctrines of our Final Prophet John Calvin by burning Servetus and all heretics in effigy. When we finally take America back for Jesus and establish our Calvinazi Dominionist Theocratic domination of the world—we will no longer have to burn effigies for we will reestablish the Pure Doctrines of burning all those who disagree with our God-ordained opinions.

Don Jobson—fighting for the Rite of burning the non-Elect at the stake.

CNN (Christian News Network) The ballots were cast in a super-sized secret chamber near the earths core where the official office of the ODMafia is heated by the earths core. The office itself is so near to Hell that one can hear the lovely screams as the officers of the ODMafia do their re-research and regurgitate others ODM’s information. Of all the ODM’s out there; only one is worthy of the top honor that will be handed out this Hallow’d ween. Yes many votes were cast by those on the academy panel and even rumors of fist fights and a gun being pulled out at one point. The rumors do have some truth to them but again this is the ODMafia we are writing about.

After the ballots were careful counted by a person who only called himself “Chad” we received a call early this morning and waited all day to hear verification of whom the most hated and hateful ODM is. There was a call soon after the first one that stated that there needed to be a recount as someone had been messing with “Chad” so another independent ballot counter that helped Al Franken win his election was brought in. After a few hours another call came in and the official count was finished. The winner is… oh I am sorry the phone just rang again… I will have to continue this later.

Fellow discernmentalists the Bible has come under attack by John Armstrong of ACT3 he states ” There are some obvious tensions that we encounter when we read the Scriptures.” We KNOW that in our reading of the Bible….there are no tensions. It is simply black and white….bible truth vs false teaching. If you are looking for tension we suggest a high-wire circus act! Remember…tension is only found in wires suspending bridges, towers, electrical lines….and tension headaches which you are giving us (we resent having to think)!

He further states “No matter how you apply these texts you will soon have to admit that judging and discerning sometimes do get very close to one another.” That is why we think that judgmentalism and discernment are one in the same….therefore discernment is judgmentalism, and judgmentalism is discernment. Its biblical. We need to do it…and its best done with an attitude of anger, resentment and self-martyrdom. We are always being attacked for our righteous cause.

Like this:

You are currently browsing the blog archives for the day Tuesday, October 27th, 2009.

Dude! This is a satire site!

Before you get all bent out of shape, please realize this is a satire site spoofing the so-called "discernment ministries" who deem themselves more worthy of Grace than the rest of us. So read and have fun! BTW, we are not against "good" discernment ministries that do actual real research and extend grace to others, only the bad ones.