( Welcome to The Attic, Abu Talhah al-Amrikee (nee Zach). The purple and orange plaid “reformed Goth” carpet square has your name all over it, Zach. Come on over here to the back corner so we can read you this intervention letter. Mr. Lohan was unable to join. Sorry. He is busy with his eldest daughter)

An open intervention type letter to Abu Talhah al-Amrikee (nee Zach Chesser) and the other dozen or so members of Revolution Muslim that each appear to be roughly as white bread as me. Going to go out on a limb and also assume that members of Revolution Muslim also dance roughly as well as this white bread guy from The Land of Cleve….because our United States roots are roughly the same. Get over here Revolution Muslim kids and give us a group hug!

We made you some brownies, if you would like a snack while you read through the letter, Abu Talhah al-Amrikee. Know what goes perfectly with fresh baked brownies? Ice cold glass of milk. Help yourself to some fresh baked brownies and ice cold milk, Abu Talhah al-Amrikee. Shall we begin?

Dear Abu Talhah al-Amrikee:

Man, but twenty is hard, isn’t it? Just leaving the nest and trying out your own wings. Mom and dad still working on pushing you down their path when all you want to do is go your own way and skin your own knees with some poor choices for a bit. Working on breaking away from your Goth friends and their industrial music because you don’t look good in black eyeliner and industrial music sucks. Twenty is hard, Abu Talhah al-Amrikee.

Been following your threats against Trey Parker and Matt Stone for over a week now. I feel your pain and anguish. Were you aware that Barbara Streisand celebrated her sixty-eighth birthday yesterday? She did. I have not yet sealed or mailed her birthday card yet and would be more than willing to sign your name there along with mine. You are welcome!

Last season Mr. Parker and Stone not only portrayed Ms. Streisand as a heinous Witchy-Poo (note to self:check the H.R. Pufnstuf box on white board) looking normal character, they turned her into a giant evil robot that almost destroyed the town of South Park. Can you imagine? Barbara Streisand! You may have seen the giant robot B.S. brought to life by Tom Cruise in that episode that caused you to call for Mr. Parker and Stone’s death. Not only did they put the prophet in a bear costume, they reanimated the giant robot Babs! There is no humor in a gigantic robotic Barbara Streisand.

Something you may want to look into this week. It’s quite possible that you are reading out of the wrong Koran. Maybe some of your friends were goofing on you and swapped out the real Koran for one that makes you angry all day long? Ask your buddies and see what they say. The rest of us will wait right here. No? Dang it.

OK, let’s say you are actually using the right Koran and your buddies are not goofing on you. It is also possible that you are reading the Koran in a somewhat different fashion that the rest of the Islamic world. Removing religion, here is a very personal example from my childhood in The Land of Cleve involving a poorly dressed cowboy guy and his simian buddy.

My childhood friends and I all read books about the inquisitive and mischievous Curious George. We read Curious George and The Firefighters, Curious George Flies a Kite, Curious George Goes to the Hospital, and oh so many more editions of the Curious George saga. My friends all loved the books and shared them amongst themselves. My friends and I had a different take away from the annals of Curious George.

We visited the zoo often when I was a child. My sisters and I saw first hand what monkeys (and other primates) did with their poop. With each page I turned, expected a colorful illustration of Curious George flinging his poop at a fire truck, some other child holding onto their kite, or at some unsuspecting nurse wheeling an IV pump down the hospital hallway. Moreover, the Man in the Yellow Hat creeped me out. Why did he always wear bright yellow? Did he just have that one bright yellow suit that he cleaned each evening or was there an entire closet filled with nothing but bright yellow suits with the pants ending just below the knee? Why would a single man choose to allow a monkey that might hurl poop at any moment to freely roam not only through his own house, but through his entire city?

See my point? My friends and I read the same Curious George books with a completely different interpretation. They came away from each adventure smiling and I came away feeling just a little bit more antsy about this seemingly poop-less monkey and the city that allowed this odd man in a yellow culot pants suit to freely bring that monkey into all their public service buildings. Different people get different things out of the same book.

Back on point with a few more questions before we rap up this letter. When you were called Zach Chesser, attending normal kid Oakton High School in Virginia, did you Virginia school kids study the First Amendment? Four years ago, when you were a well shaven Christian kid rowing for the crew team, did you and your buddies discuss the freedoms afforded you in the country where your parents chose to raise you? You are angrily railing against the same freedom that allows you to post a picture of Theo Van Gogh with three knives in his chest. Did the English teacher at Oakton define “hypocrisy” for you Virginia Goth kids four years ago? Mom and dad must be proud! Their son posting photos of a Danish murder victim on his web site. They are going to have a tough time explaining the dead guy on your web site picture to the neighbors at next week’s bridge game, but your parents know twenty is a hard year. Twenty is tough, Zach.

Thanksgiving dinner may be a wee bit frosty this year, Zach, which brings us to the set up for the final paragraph. An alternate plan for you that will allow you to avoid an uncomfy Thanksgiving meal with your family. If you and your high school buddies have a Friday after Thanksgiving football game like we used to have in The Land of Cleve, you are going to get the smack down. Does not matter which side picks you last on that November Friday, Zach, you are going to get the cage match smack down from both sides. No tap out. We believe in love up here in The Attic and do not want to see you have a bad Thanksgiving. Please, read on.

When I was sorting through my own feeling about Mr. Parker and Mr. Stone during the Barbara Streisand crisis, figured that one option would be to leave the United States and go to a fundamentalist country where free speech is banned. A country where there is no South Park to threaten my very existence and faith. Should you choose to borrow this offense, below are three one way flights the Mind of Mully crack travel agent team found for you this morning. Have a nice trip, Zach!

One way ticket to Sana’a leaves JFK at 1:25 p.m. daily

One way ticket to Bahrain leaves JFK at 8:30 p.m. daily

One way ticket to Khartoum leaves JFK at 3:20 p.m. daily

All My Best (and Assalaam-O-Alaikum),

Mully

PS:If you and your 9 friends want to ambush me like Theo VG for being honest with you, I also respect that behavior. You do what you have to do. Here is my most recent driver’s license with a photo, my address, and my real name. This “Mully” stuff is to throw off the press and the paparazzi. Hugs.

The Mind of Mully

Heard a singer on the radio

Late last night

Said he is going to kick the darkness

Until it bleeds daylight

Me too……………..

The Mind of Mully: kicking the darkness in the mouth over and over until it bleeds light for over fifty-seven months.

HR Pufnstuf: Who’s your friend when things get tough? Can’t do a little bcause you can’t do enough.

I. I believe in love………………stop it.

Give me that hug, Zach! I love you, man.

Twenty is hard! Oh, the angst and the fervor…..soemtimes they tear you apart inside. You are safe up here in The Attic, Zach. May I have one of your brownies, please? Thanks!

(please right click on the link below to open the suggested music for this evening’s treatise in a new browser window. This is not only the most beautiful song written ever for a science fair, it is the only song ever written for a science fair. Welcome to the science fair. Thanks for coming)

Welcome to the first annual Mind of Mully Science Fair. Please take your time visiting all the booths. When you are finished, there are cookies and punch at the back of the room. The punch is in bottles labeled “Pilsner”.

The Scientific Method

Any part of any business can and should be looked at from a scientific point of view. The best method is something we all learned in seventh grade science, a method very cleverly called the “scientific method”. This is an objective method using an experimental design, predictions, some well defined hypotheses, and a good model.

Once the experiments have been run and data compiled, we should always have a thorough peer review because no one thinks their own baby is ugly. And most babies really are ugly for that first six months or so. And you know this. Had I chosen to pr0create when I still had the urge, would have sent that baby intro card to each of you after we got home for the hospital. Printed inside the card would have been the following: “yes, like all babies, this one is pretty odd looking. Still, we remain confident that the head will become human shaped soon and are we certain little (_________) will someday be exceptionally good looking. To us, anyway.”

Back to the Mind of Mully Science Fair exhibit on the scientific method. With some help from my friends Eran, J Hoff and Stevie and their brand new apartment, we will demonstrate the scientific method in a very elemental form and one we can all understand. You, the Mind of Mullyites, will be our objective peer review.

Did you see the movie Almost Famous? What is your favorite line from that flick? Mine is when the lead singer man is standing on the roof of the party and he screams “I am a golden god” while jumping into the pool. Our hypothesis is twofold. First, that we can reproduce that scene with minimal morbidity or mortality. Second, it will be a great deal of fun.

First, we will see our friend Eran jumping off the roof while wearing three colored boas while screaming “I am a golden god!” The goal is for him to make it into the pool. Our prediction is that he will make it into the pool. Let’s see how he does.

Our prediction was correct and the model is slowly but surely taking shape. Second, we will see J Hoff jumping off the roof wearing a suit jacket and a Dallas Cowboys helmet while screaming “I am a golden god!”. The goal is for him to make it into the pool. Our prediction is that he will make it into the pool. Let’s see how he does.

Our prediction was correct. Third, we will add more small variables and see if the experiment overall is reproducible. Stevie’s goal is to make it into the pool while screaming “I am a golden god” while wearing a Speedo and a multi-zippered, silver Members Only jacket. Our prediction is that he will make it into the pool. Let’s see how he does.

Our prediction was correct yet again and we are slowly but surely proving our hypothesis and building our model. For the final piece to our experimental design, Mully will jump into the pool from the roof while screaming “I am a golden god”, wearing a bathrobe and a bright yellow boa and also holding a Foster’s oil can beer in his hand. Our prediction is that he will make it into the pool. Let’s see how he does.

Our final prediction was correct as well. Although we do not have twenty-six more friends for this experiment, we will allow you all to do the peer review. Marketing peeps! Please keep in mind that thirty (30, 29+1, etc) is the minimum data point from which you can even begin extrapolating. Four people saying they need something or will buy something from you means virtually nothing. The larger your sample the size, the better your strategic market analysis.

Unless you are a golden god…..which, clearly Eran, J Hof, Stevie and Mully are. It is in writing and on video so it must be true. The video is at the bottom of this MLOG.

(the cartoon above is for our friends Erin and Joe P. Boo ya)

Newton’s Law of Gravity

As shown in the photo below, Newton’s Law of Gravity can be proven in your own home using any animate or inanimate objects. Far more detailed and less amusing equations and such can be found in Mr. Newton’s 1687 book Principia. Nothing in Principia is as amusing as two cats dropping a Daschund and a Great Dane from the top of a stairwell. Feel free to do some outside reading on all three of Mr. Newton’s laws of motion, although none are as amusing as two cats dropping a Dashund and a Great Dane from the top of a stairwell to see that both drop at the same rate and land at the same time. Only pyrotechnics could add to the photo below and our crack team of liability attorneys have advise us against pyrotechnics. This year, anyway. 2011 has different rules and we will blow things up all day long during that event.

( Editor’s Note: No dogs were actually dropped for this science fair exhibit. This is just a silly picture. Yes, I love dogs as much as cats. If I had a yard, would fill it with dogs. There was no silly picture of two dogs dropping cats from the top of a stairwell. Were there a picture like that, it would be above. If someone makes one, please send it this way. Thanks. )

The Krebs Cycle

The Kubler Ross Cycle

Somewhere between the ages of one and three, when your parents took away your first toy, you began working your way through the stages of grief. Your time spent toyless in the playpen was practice time for the Kubler Ross Cycle. Most of us built upon it for the next “X” number of years and honed our ability to properly deal with each sequential stage.

With the proper amount of practice, the most adept at the Kubler Ross Cycle can roll through it in less than four minutes, as shown graphically and wordily below. The best sales professionals, those with a Teflon exterior, are able to cycle through the Kubler Ross Cycle in less than three minutes and move onto the next open door. Done is done and gone is gone. Only Chris Martin can actually go back to the start.

For Attic visitors not familiar with the Kubler Ross cycle, below is a moronic representation of the full Kubler Ross cycle and the timing through four minutes.

Denial: There is no way that cat knocked over my Foster’s. There is no frigging way that dang cat knocked over a full Foster’s! (14 seconds)

Anger: You moron cats! That was a full beer! See this squirt gun? Yeah, you see this squirt gun. You know what the squirt gun means and you know I’m not afraid to use the squirt gun. You moron cats! That was a full beer! (3 minutes and 11 seconds)

Bargaining: “Dear Random: I know I just soaked the cat with the squirt gun and am wholeheartedly sorry about that. I’ll never do it again if you just please bring back that spilled beer. Pinky promise.” (23 seconds)

Depression: “This alone, I was convinced, had driven him out to the edge of the forest, to the bush, towards the gleam of fires, the throb of drums, the drone of weird incantations; this alone had beguiled his unlawful soul beyond the bounds of permitted aspirations.”Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad (4 seconds)

Thanks for joining us for the first annual Mind of Mully Science Fair. For 2011, we will call it the Mind of Mully Scientific Faire because “fair(e)” is far more stupid than “fair”, much like “haus” and “shoppe”. 2011’s exhibits will all have to do with fire, flammable material or items that can detonate with no notice. Please submit your fair(e) entries to our crack staff of liability attorneys no later than July 13. As always, thanks for joining us in The Attic.

Mind of Mully

Just guessing at numbers and figures

Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science

Science and progress

Of course no one told you it would be “so hard”. Most people would not show up if it were called “so hard”. And of course it’s not easy. Easy is boring and has almost as much value as free.

Very few play the guitar as skillfully as Mr. Morello of Rage Against The Machine.

Very few throw the rhymes as skillfully as Mr. Riley of The Coup.

No group is better suited as background music for a Friday afternoon origami arts and crafts session than Street Sweeper Social Club. Got your scissors? Got your Pilsner? Got your paper? Good to go………………….

“Took the collection note you left at my spot and made you origami……..”

“Took the eviction notice tacked on your door and made you origami…….”

“I took the farewell note you meant for your ex and made you origami………”

Received a note from an old friend last evening that ended with “Now I will leave you alone and go back to being a mom and hopefully with any luck can try and raise my kids with open minds and the willingness to listen to others.” Hamsters starting running at full speed. They ran all day.

Many of us first met the Church of The Latter Day Saints through a wonderful 1973 short film titled Cipher in the Snow. We watched that film in Catholic CCD class soon after it came out. Did you see it or read the short story? Cool flick to watch with your kids if you have any. If you don’t have any kids, invite the neighborhood over for movie and popcorn night. Tell the neighbors it’s pot luck and you can eat for free the rest of the week. You are welcome.

Was thinking about the Cliff Evans character in Cipher in The Snow the other day as RevolutionMuslim.com called for Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s death and as folks coast to coast joked about God striking down the sitting President on their Facebook profile. Hate and anger are interesting animals. I speak this from experience, having completed most of my doctoral studies in anger. Very seldom do you wish you could take back a compliment or a laugh. Most of us wish we could take back angry or hateful statements three minutes after they pop out. Few of us have egos strong enough to take them back. Most of us unwisely defend an untenable position. Things escalate. Boom.

Thought about Cipher in The Snow more this evening as I read about Phoebe Prince’s January suicide. The young lady from Boston who hung herself after too much bullying from nine mean and nasty kids at school. That’s a damn shame. Somehow along the way our youth have gotten mean and nasty. Some are armed and angry. Wonder where they are picking that up?

Constitutional Law is fascinating. Our Constitution may one of the most engaging and well written documents in the universe. Only twenty-seven changes in over two hundred years of use. Wonderful document and a group of nine bright folks charged with running our highest and most entertaining appellate court. Regardless of your politics, most will agree that over a long enough event horizon the Supreme Court makes solid decisions. The rest are morons. Just kidding.

The Supreme Court hears both sides, retire to their chambers, take off those hot robes and have what is I imagine a very civil debate on the issue at hand. Perhaps Hostess snack cakes and ice cold milk are served? The Court votes and the majority or plurality authors the “winning” side of the vote. I love when the Court is in session because it is great fun to read the “losing” side’s dissenting opinion. You want to teach your children to be good people and argue well with others? Have your children read the Supreme Court’s dissenting opinions.

There is certain eloquence in all Supreme Court dissenting opinions. Our Supreme Court Justices know how to disagree without spewing hatred and vitriol. There’s also a lot of reading between the lines in the dissenting opinions and reading between the lines is more fun than a barrel of monkeys. The yapping rat dog haters in the Tea Party movement and yapping rat dog haters inthe newly formed far left wing Anti-Tea Party movement could learn from this eloquence. Lots of silly yelling and screaming and hate coming from both of those groups these days.

The dissenting opinions do not attack people. They discuss, in a well thought out and logical manner, why the minority disagrees. There is no anger, there is no character assassination; there is only a well crafted dissenting opinion. Very eloquent.

Earlier this week, the Supreme Court struck down a lower court’s ruling that it was illegal for a Virginia gentleman to sell graphic dog fighting videos on the web. The ruling reaffirmed the First Amendment right to free speech and this gentleman will be allowed to sell his dog fighting videos again this week. Up here in The Attic we despise those that hurt animals and yet embrace that First Amendment tightly. Well done, Supreme Court. I do not hate you: you were doing your job. Let’s hug it out.

The two best lines from Supreme Court opinions are “slippery slope” and “have a chilling effect”. The first is from Lamont v. Postmaster General, the latter from dozens of other opinions.

Hatred is a slippery slope. Hate and character assasination have a chilling effect upon the reasonable and logical free exchange of differing opinions. Hate discourages hugging it out at the end.

Should you find yourself being dragged into a hateful debate, get yourself out rapidly so that you may enjoy your day more fully. De-escalate. Feel free to use one or all of the following (Mind of Mully patent pending) questions to gracefully remove yourself from a potentially moronic hateful debate. The fourth, fifth, and sixth questions are best used sequentially in that exact order.

How about them Browns?

Do you really buy into that Pythagorean Theorem hocus pocus?

How much do you weigh?

Would you be able to overpower a bear in order to save a helpless child or a picnic basket?

Really?

Same question, but the bear is a large anthropomorphic bear wearing a fedora with a smaller bear friend. The smaller bear has on a bow tie. Could you overpower both those bears to save a helpless child or a picnic basket?

The Mind of Mully

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Bonus Afghan Wigs track if you dug the song you played above

(Miles Iz Ded……..perfect weekend song. Or, a perfect Tuesday night song if you are investigating twelve step programs yet have not yet found the one that suits your lifestyle.)

Best Experienced With: Michael Stanley Band; Let’s Get The Show on The Road

(please right click on the link below to open the suggested background music to this evening’s treatise in a new browser window. If you are not from The Land of Cleve you may not have had the MSB experience….once you hear this you will mentally hug me over this WWW)

Whenever I watch Saint Elmo’s Fire (three times a week), there are two lines that always catch my fancy. First one is when Rob Lowe’s character is laying on the ground and Demi Moore’s character says “you let everyone down, Danny”. That line still haunts me and speaks to me from a relationship point of view. As it should. I was a poor dater from 1972 through 1999.

Second line that resonates from that flick is “do you believe in pre-marital sax”. The song you cued up when you right clicked that link has one of the finest saxophone performances in the history of recorded wind instruments. Was listening to some old Michael Stanley Band this evening. We will get to the Michael Stanley Band later. My brain needs to vomit on the keyboard for a bit.

As the career adventure choices have evolved throughout the years and the team members I brought on board changed, the interview questions have also evolved and changed. One question that has survived the test of time and will remain on the question list until the sun burns out is: “do you feel you are lucky”? Not my question. The gentleman that took a shot on me and afforded me the opportunity to enter surgical sales in 1989 when I was a waiter at a Fairfield, Ohio Bennigan’s asked that exact question in the third and final interview. I answered “yes” and stole the question.

Have never, ever, ever hired a candidate for any position that answered “no” for several reasons. First, it’s more entertaining to work with folks that believe The Random is smiling down on them from the minute their foot hits the floor in the morning until they vigilantly floss late at night. Second, those that feel they are lucky tend to attribute success, rightfully so, to things other than themselves. This makes them good leaders in the future. Finally, those that feel they are “unlucky” tend to not own their actions. They attribute the good things to themselves and blame comets, poor timing, and the fact they forgot their lucky Sears Gold Toe socks at home for their business misfortunes.

Those of us fortunate enough to grow up in The Land of Cleve were exceptionally lucky to have WMMS as our album oriented rock radio station. One of the first AOR stations in the country, WMMS created educated, well rounded music fans. Back in those days there were three primary AOR stations: WBCN in Boston, KLOS in Los Angeles, and WMMS in Cleveland. WMMS was by far the finest of the three.

The Land of Cleve already had a head start as the Rock and Roll city because we were lucky enough to have Alan Freed coin the term “rock and roll” in The Land of Cleve in 1952. Alan Freed and The Land of Cleve had the first rock and roll concert at Cleveland Arena in 1952. Rolling Stone magazine bestowed upon WMMS the title “Radio Station of The Year” nine consecutive years from 1979 to 1987. WMMS bestowed upon we lucky Clevelandianites things such as this………….

We music lovers were lucky to grow up in Cleveland.

Back in the late 1970’s, two bands towards the right side of the United States each released several albums to critical acclaim. Both received serious airplay on WMMS. The first artist was Bruce Springsteen and The E Street Band and we all know how it turned out for them. The second one is the band you are listening to right now, The Michael Stanley Band. If you grew up in Cleveland, all you heard in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s was Bruce and Michael….Michael and Bruce. Pre-pinko Bruce and Michael. The good pre-pinko Bruce stuff, like “For You” and “New York City Serenade”.

Kid Leo and the crew at WMMS gave equal time to both bands, and by some stroke of luck the correct person heard the kids from Asbury Park and missed the kids from The Land of Cleve. Fame and fortune for one and two annual Cleveland reunion concerts for the other. My cousin Bo (pictured above in his natural keyboardist state) has been an amazing musician since he could walk. A few years back, The Random smashed him into My Morning Jacket when MMJ needed a keyboardist. Bo has always been ridiculously talented and hard working: one day he got lucky and found the perfect match. Olin & The Moon, a Cali band I was lucky enough to bump into last year, is more talented than 97.2% of the bands any of us listen to and they have no major label yet. Music is odd like that.

If you have ever been in love, are in love now, or plan on being in love some day, odds are that some chance meeting allowed you to meet your significant other. Love, more than most things, is a product of luck and The Random. Had you not joined your friends at that Tuesday night happy hour three years ago or if you made a right to grab pine nuts instead of left to grab a bottle of Jack Daniels at Vons, you may have not met the person you are madly in love with right now. For example, let’s say they reopened Heathrow Airport last Sunday for a volcanic test flight and Natalie Imbruglia was brave enough to be on that volcanic test flight. Let’s say Natalie sat in 3A, turns to her right and sees me sipping champagne in 3B. That would be a lucky day for Natalie Imbruglia, indeed. Love is odd like that.

Regardless of one’s talent in love, business, or music, luck is generally going to be the deciding factor that tips the scale. It’s not logical, predictable, or fair but it sure makes it fun to get up every day to see what The Random is going to smash you into, doesn’t it? Make sure you floss every night. The Random hates poor dental hygiene.

That, in a nut tree orchard, is why I only hire those that believe they are lucky and yes, yes I do. I wholeheartedly believe in premarital sax. Thanks for asking.