The winner shall receive the ultimate glory: a feast of carp, sloths, yams and breakfast cereals, as well as twenty thousand dollars cash. The loser shall be cast into Bellator purgatory forevermore. Tis a fate some consider worse than death, and other, humorless people oft lose their shit over when we joke about it.

Before dropping a unanimous decision to Nate Diaz at UFC 141, Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone had arguably the best 2011 of any fighter out there, scoring victories over Paul Kelly, Vagner Rocha, Charles Oliveira, and Dennis Siver, three of which came by way of stoppage. And although he ended the year on a loss, Cerrone will be looking to start off 2012 with a big win when he takes on 60 fight veteran Yves Edwards at UFC on FX 3, which goes down at the Patriot Center in Fairfax, Virginia on May 15th.

UFC Fight Night 58 weigh-in results are below via MMAFighting. Durkin came in at 206.8 pounds on his first attempt, but later hit 206 even. Come back to CagePotato.com tomorrow night for live results, unless you have better things to do, and if that’s the case we totally understand.

Machida ran through Dollaway like Grant took Richmond. Seriously, the fight was reminiscent of Machida’s 2012 performance against Ryan Bader but even more devastating and one-sided. After being hit with a body kick from Machida, Dollaway recoiled back to the cage and turtled. Machida followed up with vicious strikes. Dollaway crumpled to the mat. The fight was over before it started.

See Renan Barao choke out Mitch Gagnon and Erick Silva slice through Mike Rhodes after the jump.

TUF 8 alum and 39 fight veteran Krzysztof Soszynski has not fought since December of 2011, when he suffered a 35-second KO defeat to Igor Pokrajac at UFC 141. In the moments following the loss, “The Polish Experiment” unofficially announced his retirement from MMA, stating that he was “done” while being recorded by the Danavlog. Although Krzysztof could not name what day it was when asked by the doctor backstage, he was able to identify where he was (Toronto) and seemed rather lucid for a guy who just got “literally knocked out cold” for this first time in his career.

Shortly after the loss, Soszynski recanted on his decision, claiming that he had no memory of what occurred in the video and would wait to hear back from his doctor before making a decision (as if not remembering that conversation was not warning enough). No big deal, MMA fighters unretire all the time, right?

Cut to last Friday’s edition of Inside MMA, where Soszynski finally, officially announced his retirement from MMA after almost a decade in the game, citing memory loss as the reason he was forced to call it quits. You know, like that time he retired from MMA three years ago but forgot about it. Eesh.

My brain didn’t wake up for probably 40 minutes until after the fight. There’s an interview (in UFC President Dana White’s video blog and I’m) having an interview, and I don’t remember any of that stuff. I just remember walking into the octagon, I remember waking up – I already had my clothes on and had a shower and all that – and I have (UFC matchmaker) Joe Silva telling me everything is going to be OK and they’re ready for you to go the hospital to get your CT scan, like the UFC always does when a fighter gets knocked out.

MMA’s drug-failure tally has gotten off to a fast start in 2013, with two notable fighters already netted by the UFC’s independent testing. Here’s the promotion’s official statement via UFC.com:

“Rousimar Palhares tested positive for elevated testosterone and Joey Beltran tested positive for nandrolone, following their respective bouts at UFC on FX 6 in Australia. The UFC organization has a strict, consistent policy against the use of any illegal and/or performance-enhancing drugs, stimulants or masking agents. Both athletes have agreed to serve a nine-month suspension retroactive to December 14. They must pass a drug test upon completion of the suspension before receiving clearance to compete again.”

“Everyone expected me to brawl,” says a half proud, half sheepish Bonnar in the above vid. “I knew what I was going to do, but I kind of let on that I was going to brawl. I feel sneaky, I feel surreptitious. It feels good, though. I felt a little guilty out there for not going toe-to-toe but hey, I got the win.”

Indeed. Also, someone should tell Bonnar that it’s not “sneaky” to analyze your opponent’s strengths and weaknesses in order to devise a strategy you think gives you the best chance to win. That’s just called, you know, professional fighting.

I got lost in that analogy halfway through. In any case, the Fight Night 32: Henderson vs. Belfort weigh-ins are set to kick off shortly, so join us at 1 p.m. EST for live updates as all 22 fighters hit the scales. Your gay roommate will thank you.

“This is my last fight,” the Janitor told Frank Trigg during an appearance on the “Toe to Toe With Trigg” interview show on MMAOddsbreaker earlier this week. “Doesn’t matter win or lose. That’s it. [I'll start] training people, there’s a possibility to open my own gym again. Or I could go the complete opposite direction and work the railroad. I’ll be happy just keeping myself busy.”

I’m going to call it right now: Matyushenko is going to lose to Beltran — not that it really matters, even to Matyushenko himself. (“Doesn’t matter win or lose.”) Remember last month when Cyrille Diabate announced his retirement before his fight against Ilir Latifi, and then got choked out without attempting a single significant strike? Diabate’s desire to win had already left him. He was just fulfilling an obligation. That’s basically what’s happening here with Matyushenko.