‘First Laddie Issue’ could impede Hillary in 2016

You probably won’t believe this, but I aim to help Hillary Clinton fulfill her destiny and rule the world.

But the thing is, she has a problem.

You wouldn’t know it from reading or watching the news. That’s because in most newsrooms across America — and perhaps even in some place called “real life” — the inevitability of Hillary Clinton as president is a given.

Yet even as the great tide of her inevitability swells and rises to 2016, there is an issue. Sadly, it remains hidden to most of her champions, since they’re blind to her faults. But it’s out there.

And I’m asking you to open your eyes to see the problem, so you can help me help Hillary.

What is this problem?

It’s Bill.

Call it the Bill Problem, or the Creepo Index, or the Randy Spouse in the Henhouse Conundrum.

I’d rather simply call it the First Laddie Issue. And we must confront it without a moment’s delay.

Call me facetious, and damn me as an unrepentant Clinton hater, and even bring up my old columns as evidence of my sins.

Or put me on a fence post like that turtle Hillary talked about in that strange period when she spoke with a Southern accent. I don’t really care.

Do your worst.

But either way, this problem of Hillary’s won’t go away no matter how many times the Clintonistas raise the torch of feminism.

The Clintonistas are experts at bringing up the old war-on-women thing, and they’re good at blaming the old men-just-don’t-get-it crowd.

But if Hillary is elected president, then former President Bill Clinton will be the first spouse, or First Laddie. And therein lies the rub.

A few weeks ago, Sen. Rand Paul seemed to share my sympathy with Hillary’s First Laddie problem. But while the Kentucky Republican’s critique has been scoffed at, mocked and ridiculed by some of the more tribal Clintonistas, it has yet to be dismissed.

“The Democrats, one of their big issues is they have concocted and said Republicans are committing a war on women,” Paul said on NBC’s “Meet the Press.” “One of the workplace laws and rules that I think are good is that bosses shouldn’t prey on young interns in their office. And I think really the media seems to have given President Clinton a pass on this. He took advantage of a girl that was 20 years old and an intern in his office. There is no excuse for that, and that is predatory behavior, and it should be something we shouldn’t want to associate with people who would take advantage of a young girl in his office.

“This isn’t having an affair. I mean, this isn’t me saying, ‘Oh, he’s had an affair, we shouldn’t talk to him.’ Someone who takes advantage of a young girl in their office? I mean, really. And then they have the gall to stand up and say Republicans are having a war on women? So, yes, I think it’s a factor. Now, it’s not Hillary’s fault … but it is a factor in judging Bill Clinton in history.”

No doubt some Hillary supporters see Paul as an evil genius. But he just may be the genius who highlighted the problem as if he were a naturalist using a straight pin to fix a spider to a board.

And he’s pointed out the main predicament: What to do about Bill?

How can the Clinton campaign speak to the aspirations of women young and old if people remember that no responsible parents would leave Bill alone with their daughter?

And what parents would put their daughter under Bill’s “wing” in either the campaign or the White House?

They still eat pizzas at the White House, don’t they? Have cigars been outlawed in the D.C. area?

Here are few of my First Laddie solutions:

— A First Laddie Kilt. Let’s amend the Constitution to mandate that the First Laddie — if named William Jefferson Clinton — will wear a tartan kilt at all times, with black knee socks and black oxford shoes. Underneath the kilt at all times will be an electric chastity belt monitored remotely by the U.S. Secret Service.

— Matt Drudge. Save a plunge in an icy river, nothing would chill Bill’s urges more than having Matt Drudge of the Drudge Report sitting right outside the First Laddie’s office.

— NSA surveillance. A tiny robot drone follows the First Laddie at all times, equipped with a camera feeding the White House situation room and Drudge’s laptop. It is linked to a Taser built into the chastity belt.

— Vice President Rahm Emanuel. The Rahmfather, when elected as Hillary’s running mate, would take charge of the Laddie. Any hint of a violation would require a Polar Plunge au naturel in the Potomac.

— Gentling. There are chemicals that I’m told will accomplish this, but that might be viewed as “too drastic.”

— Exile. My preference. What about sending the First Laddie into exile in some mountainous, semi-lawless land ruled by warlords known to provide mountains of pilaf and dancing girls to their guests?

These are but a few possible solutions to the First Laddie problem.

(John Kass is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune who also hosts a radio show on WLS-AM. His e-mail address is: [email protected], and his Twitter handle is @john_kass.)