Is it insulting to encourage your girlfriend (or ex) to enroll in college

I dated this girl for five months, she has all the intelligence in the world, she also has all the money in the world. We broke up because I made a statement that reflected my frustrations. I currently got accepted to medical school, I've been in college and currently work two paramedic jobs to make ends meet for myself. My statement was, hun, you have all the money in the world because of your mother, my dear, you are intelligent and super bright. Why don't you go to college rather than working at the strip bar. You are the most financially capable person to go to a college and still have a good quality of life. I thought I was encouraging her to actually do something that fits her more, she is very good at math and I thought maybe engineering or medicine, but she took it as I was insulting her and got super mad. Was I right or wrong to try and encourage her to go to school? I was not forcing her, but it is a waste to have such a smart person shake her ass for a living.

Most Helpful Guy

I mean it's all about tone and wording. Frankly she doesn't have to strip she chooses to. You said her family is rich and she is well off because of her mother already, she's getting lots of money on top of that stripping. She's doing what she wants. I don't think you were wrong, maybe you're wording sounded condescending "hun, you have all the money in the world because of your mother, my dear" though the rest of the statement was fine and and accompanying that changes the context from condescending. It's been my experience that most people, especially women, hear what they want to here and once she heard the first part she stopped listening and got mad.

I actually can agree with you on that one. No one really pointed this out. You are absolutley right, although it was meant in good faith, the first words out of my mouth destroyed the whole purpose of the convo.

What Girls Said 15

Wow, I was in the same position because my boyfriend, who is really smart too, wasn't into going to college. I however, am almost done with my BA in Mathematics and Teaching(just about a year left). I was worried because I didn't want someone as bright as him to just be working at Kroger all his life, without an education. Not to mention the fact that my parents would never accept me marrying a guy who never went to college.

But anyways, I kind of went about it different than you. Instead of telling him that I think he needs to go to school, I just kept referring to it in a positive manner: like how I made so many new friends, how excited I am to be enrolling in new classes and starting a fresh new semester, how I am almost done and can't wait to be a great stable job, etc.

All my hard work paid off (took 4 months lol) but last night he told me he's going back to school in the Fall :D!

Maybe you can try that out with her? I myself hate when people tell me what they want me to do and usually do the opposite. So I took the same approach with my boyfriend.

You can be nice and a realist like I was with him. I never encouraged him to not go to college. And every time he made excuses (like how his job wouldn't like it), I ignored his comments and continued painting college in a positive light.

She probably took it more like you're ashamed of her because of her job but also she probably has her own insecurities over the fact that you're going to med school and are successful while she is a stripper, she probably considers herself inferior to you and so it hurt her feelings when she thought you were also saying that. Additionally, the insinuation of "you have all the money in the world...because of your mother" can sort of sound like an implication that she is a spoiled brat who has wasted all her abilities and the only reason she has money is because it was handed to her by her mother. I'm not saying these were your intentions with what you said but typically when you are on the wealthier side there is a tend to be implications made by people thinking your life is so easy or that you've just had everything handed to you, which some people take great offense to. Regardless of whether or not it is true. It seems like the root of the problem is her feeling like she's always viewed as the lesser of two as opposed to an equal.

You were right to advise her to go to school. Nothing wrong with learning new things and embracing your own intelligence. She is just being ignorant. She will realize one day that you are right. Why waste such a nice gift? Not everyone is intelligent.

But anyway, you said what you said. She has her own right to feel the way she does.

She has all the money in the world so she never needs to fear about living costs, or anything like that. And she doesn't have a job where things ride on her - I mean if you mess up in your job someone will die. If she messes up at her job, nothing will happen.

She may be really happy working there and you saying that she may have had her ego bruised a bit. Nobody can say for sure but for me this looks like low-responsibilty, is quite happy with a quiet life rather than a booming career.

As long as you weren't demanding about it nor trying to force her in some way, she had no reason to get so mad. The fact she did tells me she has some issues with low self esteem... being why she saw your suggestion as an insult rather than concern for her best interest. Explain that you love her either way (if indeed you do) and that the ultimate decision to go is hers alone.

There is a point to where redundancy should not repeat itself. This is one of those cases. I can't be with someone who can't take some reality. I don't turn back, but move on. She knew very well that I do not see her as inferior,she knows very well that I am a non-judgemental person. I was never ashamed of her whatsoever and never will and she knows that. So in other words, do I love her yes, but I am not going to be walking on eggshells my whole relationship.

Based on how OTHER people treat strippers, I'm guessing her job is probably a touchy subject. So as kind and benevolent as you intended to be, I think given your situation and hers, your suggestion and wording could be read as a bit condescending.

Nothing wrong with suggesting a different path, but it could have been done more sensitively. Even something as simple as:

"What do you think of college?"

could have been better. It doesn't sound like you even asked her if she had any alternate plans before you started suggesting your own.

If you knew her so well, perhaps you'd have known she'd be offended by your approach. I don't know what's so sugary about that response. Don't ask if you're not willing to hear people who don't agree with you.

I am willing to hear people that agree, but, lets just say this, I understand it can be seen in another fashion, however, if someone cannot except real life and how it is then I am not doing my job. Maybe because that how I was raised I don't know. But when you know someone is better than they are, what can you do? I can agree to disagree.

I never said it was a bad idea to encourage someone to get an education, I love education. I just said I can see how, given the context you provided in the question, your suggestion and wording might have been taken as offensive by your girlfriend. This was a direct response to your question, which I assumed you wanted honest feedback on. No sugarcoating, and not an unrealistic suggestion as far as I can see.

I understand, I was a little rough. but to me, it breaks my heart to see her like that, so I become hard to not show that I actually care. Why, I have no idea it is a big weakness. I rather hide my emotions and be a hard ass than actually be nice. Something that needs to be changed in me,

Well I wouldn't quite call that being a hardass. I just think this is probably an especially sensitive topic that calls for an especially sensitive approach, something that most people, esp. guys are particularly inept at. Anyway, there's nothing to feel guilty about if you'd rather break things off with her, but if you really want to stay and encourage her to go to school, I personally think a softer approach will work better. Either way, glad we called a truce, good luck with it.

Yes it sounds like she was being defensive. She probably is a bit ashamed of her job and realizes she has more potential. Honestly, I love it when people acknowledge that I'm more than a pretty face, so it's kind of sad that she took offense to you telling her she could do better for herself. She might have self esteem issues.

If you guys have broken up, there's probably not much you can do about it. It is sad that she can't see that she's capable of doing better, but continuing to harass her isn't going to make a difference.

If she comes back, maybe you can say something along the lines of, "I'm sorry I offended you, but you are a smart and beautiful woman, and.." erm I don't know. I don't really know how to word it without insinuating that being a stripper is a bad job. Maybe say that college would be a great experience for her? Or possibly that a job where she was helping people and making a greater difference in the world would be more fulfilling for her.

BOTTOM LINE: I don't think you did anything wrong. She was just being over sensitive.

No, you said she was smart so she should definitely take advantage of that. I do it to my friends too honestly, assuming they're willing to hear it. Not going to college was never an option for me and I'm cool with that. I want my dream job, I want money and nice things. It's proven that unless you're seriously driven (like Bill Gates) or rich already you're probably not going to anywhere without college degree. I don't want my friends and family living paycheck to paycheck if they're smart enough to go to college and do better for themselves.

Assuming you said it exactly how you wrote it, it didn't sound bad, but I can see how easily it could be taken the wrong way. Like what's she doing isn't good enough or something along those lines. If you focus more on her brains and less on the you're a stripper and can do better, it shouldn't be insulting.

Not at all. It would only be insulting if she couldn't afford it. But since she can, that should be a compliment. You're basically saying that she's smart and could really make something of herself with the right education.

You were not wrong to encourage her to do something with her brain- especially if she has a good one. If I were a stripper (AHAHAHAHAAAAA, people would not pay me to take off my clothes- but they MIGHT pay me to put 'em back on!... Can that be a job?) and my partner told me my brains are even better than my t*ts, I would feel flattered and valued.

When I try to criticize someone I get this uncontrollable need to make them feel good and happy at the same time. Most men don't need to, from what I've seen, unless they are shamed into it by majority of girls.

And people never think about their lives unless they feel discomfort about their current status. You shouldn't look back on what you said with ANY kind of regret. You told the truth. Period.

My mom always said, your critics are the people that love you. Once they stop telling the truth you are in a bad position @971789. @Kia 58-you should always tell it how it is. I don't see how it does any good if you are trying to point something out to help someone, I don't sugarcoat anything, some people like it, other people hate it, but it makes them think. If they change for the better it is okay in the end.

971789 No you should not. If people always feel comfortable they never change.

Caring about feelings before truth, logic and integrity is like going on a diet and eating chocolate all the time, because it makes you feel good.

Men aren't feeling-obsessed liars and that part is as vital for a relationship as our ability to get a point across while making a person feel comfortable and supported. Sometimes pain and discomfort are only options. Men aren't women.

What Guys Said 5

It is definitely condescending. You made her job sound like it is something a low-life would do and being a stripper is a choice like any other choice. It is not like she is being a prostitute on the street. She may enjoy certain aspects of it who knows? If you don't like her for what she is now, then you should not be with her. People admire many playboy models and treat them as art.

Plus, you are intruding on her finances. Who are you to tell her what she should do with her money? It's not like you have a joint bank account. Plus, college is by no means the end all solution to getting a career. Depending on the major that is chosen, she could go to school and obtain a ridiculous amount of debt just to file unemployment like so many other people out there. My degree is collecting dust along with many others. College is becoming a bigger and bigger failure for people and while we can blame it on the economy, the education system still has a ton of flaws contributing to these situations. Just because you're going to school, does not mean she has to. You're taking a risk just like many others.

Luckily your choice in medical has a higher likelihood of getting a job compared to the ridiculous amounts of people going for lawyer and teacher degrees. People should realize that many people going into teaching degrees aren't doing so because they like teaching, they are just doing it to try and get a 6 figure salary for only 10/12 months of work a year and weekends off.

The main thing is that she should be doing what she wants to do. If she has a passion for what she is doing now and you don't accept it, you two are not a match. If she wants to move to a different job, it would have to be her choice and she'll do so if she wants. Your attempts to compliment her just look like sugar-coating also and lack a genuine concern for her well-being.

condescending, certainly. As if people haven't the basic ability to look at their own lives critically. *shakes head*. I have put one family member in his place recently with a similar thing, and can see I need to do the same with another. Hopefully I can do so without throttling him. Good answer.

Of course it is insulting. You are implicitly sending the message that you are not accepting of what she is. You wish to sublimate her. Couldn't an alternative option been to have voice your concerns, and have a proper discussion with her about where she sees her future, why she has not decided to go to university? According to conventional wisdom, societal pressure, etc, one must go on a certain path, accomplish certain things, to be a worthwhile, respectable human being.

But, anyway, what does she want?

On a slightly more personal note, generally a good barometer of who I should get into a relationship with, are those rare girls who don't try and change you. Are accepting of who you are. That is love.

I don't agree with you as I do not believe it is insulting. I value your opinion, but the majority says it is not. If you can't handle realism in life, then I am not the person for you. I did not try to change her in anyways, but I do have a right.

What you said was insulting and naive. I don't think you mean it in a bad way but who are you to say that a woman shaking her ass is not worthwhile?

Not every woman has an amazing ass to shake, or beauty, that's why some women are able to get top modeling contracts, to suggest that some work is beneath a person is not right

I'm reminded of a movie called "Good Will Hunting" with Matt Damon... there's a scene where he talks about how being a mechanic is good work because by fixing people's cars he allows doctors to get to work and save lives...and there's honor in that

that's the gist of it, I'm sure you can find the scene on YouTube if you look

Shaking your ass provides entertainment for people, it has value too, if she enjoys it who are you to tell her she should do something else.

I think maybe your approach was wrong, or maybe there's some other reason she wants to continue to shake her ass. Also how did you meet her? You're not some captain save a ho type are you? Going into strip clubs to "save" a poor girl and what not...

Normally I take out time to have a proper debate, however, you seem not to make any sense to me. I met her as a friend. I don't frequent such establishments as it is not my crowd nor in my opinion any form of entertainment. I met her through a mutual friend who said, she is just as smart as you are. Also she is not a ho, she is a woman, which that word, you have lost all credibility as you have shown bias and not actual facts. This is a fact world, not condescending biases as facts.

Ok I was just asking. It's nice that you wish "better" for her but I'm still going to stick with this: your approach was wrong and it offended her

I know someone who was valedictorian of his class, a really smart guy, but he can't make anything of himself, being "smart" only goes so far, I'd trade some of my intelligence for other qualities like confidence, drive, and persistence.

She probably wouldn't feel insulted however she doesn't want you bringing her down to a level that she doesn't want to be at.

Leonard and Penny once had an argument where she enrolled in college because she wanted to go back and see what she could do. She worked on a paper and Leonard rewrote it without her permission. She wanted to get the grade she deserved, not the grade he thought she should have.

Lot of people don't realize that t.v. shows as such, speak the truth...they think it's "just a show", when I reality, they are teaching you something about social etiquette, especially Sheldon. He plays a guy with a case of ADHD