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“Don’t bank on it” (Electronic banking conspiracy)

Most post hoc reasoning is immediate, as in, “I drank a kale smoothie and it worked because my backache went away.” Or, “The gypsy told me good fortune was coming and I won $100 the next day.” But with the Electronic Banking Conspiracy Theory, the consequences arise 25 lifetimes after the triggering event. This theory posits that the introduction of paper money 600 years ago is why my daughter is buying Tap Fish 2 for her iPad today (a purchase that is being tracked by the Illuminati, by the way). What’s more, both the appearance of paper lira and the electronic game purchase are paving the way for the enslavement on Mankind.

There are five phases on this route from shekels to shackles. We are currently in the final phase. I have looked at dozens of conspiracy theories and have yet to find one where the culminating event is 100 or 1,000 years away. Nor does it take place today. For the theorist to get his thrill, dystopia has to be just beyond a tantalizing horizon, always almost here but never quite arriving. This allows them to bravely face this frightening future and cleverly expose the plot.

The first stage was the introduction of paper currency and a banking system. The plotters were extremely patient, as the cabal waited 500 years for stage two, the introduction of credit cards. Next came electronic commerce over the Internet. This was followed by the concentration of wealth by an “international banking conspiracy,” which is the most one can bend over backwards without actually saying ‘Jews.’ The first three stages have clearly happened, and theorists assert the fourth has as well. That sets us up for the final stage, a worldwide electric blackout that will be coupled by the draining of all electronic money accounts by the conspirators.

This is not a terribly widespread theory, and seems to be promulgated mainly by the American Patriot Friends Network, which sounds like a combination survivalist group/day care. Its website’s headlines this week were about the confirmation of alien spacecraft by a Krakow bicyclist, a David Bowie obituary focusing on his promotion of Satan, and a yummy stir fry recipe (touted as a quick and easy food to make in the wilderness).

Members demonstrate extreme acrobatics in their conclusion-leaping. Just a few sentences after complaining about bank annoyance like ATM fees, a writer explains that this means, “The FEMA camps are already in place, global position devices are tracking our every move, and implantable microchips have been nearly perfected.” He then warns about the imminent return of legal slavery, which is the conspirators’ ultimate goal.

Like many conspiracy theories, this one takes elements of truths or half-truths and assembles them in a hodgepodge fashion. It is akin to someone announcing they’ve completed a jigsaw puzzle despite several missing pieces and the person assuming other pieces the artist never painted. For instance, while the Renaissance introduced paper money to Europe, there is no connection between that and the device you are using to read this. Nor is there a connection between that device and your impeding bondage. This theory assumes that the New World Order’s 16th Century forbearers anticipated credit cards and computers. It is also premised on impossibly evil, impossibly powerful men having the means and will to implement world domination for half a millennium, yet never doing it, a stagnation that would be contradictory.

This final stage will be ushered in when the plotters use advanced technology to drain our bank accounts. I’m giving believers the benefit of the doubt and assume this theory includes a dictate that paper money somehow be made worthless by the plotters; otherwise, the electronic liquidation would fail to put all the money is the elites’ hands. But I could not find this claim on their website. Another huge plot hole is that banks are supposedly a crucial player in this plot, yet the plan would require them to agree to mass suicide since they would go under once the ruling elite emptied the accounts.

These theories are always unclear on how many “they” there are, but believers usually hint at there being just a few dozen of them. This theory fails to explain how people this few in number would control billions of others, or how they would manage to keep their slaves clothed, fed, and housed.

Believers are fond of the fact that Lincoln, Garfield, and Kennedy challenged the banking industry and were all assassinated. Tying these events together is lazy even by post hoc reasoning standards. Although if true, one would have to admire the plotters’ suppleness in working with a Confederate sympathizer, an anarchist, and a communist to accomplish these hit jobs of Leaders of the Free World.

In this theory, wars are not fought over territory, ideology, or oil, but are meant only to disrupt the economy and gradually gain more control over it. Disruptions will become more frequent and debilitating until society and financial institutions collapse, and all but a select few become slaves. I for one welcome our new reptilian overlords.