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frequently asked questions.

First of all, thanks for believing in my talent and qualifications without needing an explanation. My technique is simple: listen to Run the World a few times, throw salt over my left shoulder, yell “bloody Mary” at my bathroom mirror while spinning, then answer their questions using only quotes from The Lorax. Bitches love The Lorax.

Stop calling me “sweetheart”.

If I’m calling you sweetheart, I’ve taken a shine to you. That might have been the most southern sentence I’ve ever written. Regardless, it’s a term of endearment. I’m not doing the thing where I’m passive-aggressively insulting you or patronizing you. I care about you and think you’re sweet and all the jazz. Deal with it.

Why don’t you put any effort into your appearance? You could be kinda pretty-ish if you actually tried.

When I wake up in the morning, I ask myself a series of questions such as:

-Am I going to meet my husband today?

-Is Zac Efron in Champaign?

-Is today the day Beyonce answers my Facetime calls?

-Do I feel like fielding polite comments from people? Will I be able to not make a face?

-Do I feel like it?

Pretty much every single morning the answer is “Heh. Good one.” And then I answer what’s on average about 20 emails that I’ve gotten overnight.

Why do you make faces when people compliment you? Just be gracious.

Because it’s weird. I’m usually the one complimenting other people (then scuttling around trying to remember what I have to do next). And all the people I’m in close enough proximity with to be complimented by are theatre people. So it’s kind of like being complimented by models. You’re not sure if they’re trying to be nice or if they caught a glimpse of themselves in something reflective. Also, about half of the compliments I get are actually complisults. I genuinely love those. Complisults like “HOT DAMN look at those legs! Where did they come from?!” Yes, my legs are disproportionately attractive to the rest of me. That’s why I wear heels that make me 6’2″. It’s totally worth being freakishly tall because my legs become “hot damn” worthy. Another favorite is “she’s fat. Not like you, you’re pretty and fat. She’s just fat.” This was like a year ago. I didn’t know whether I was supposed to thank her or not. So yeah, I made quite the face.

Your eyes are actually randomly pretty. Why do you wear glasses and no makeup? I didn’t even notice them until I saw a picture of you on Facebook from 2008.

Thanks for stalking! The truth is, I’m trying not to blind mere mortals with their glory. Also, I’m not going to trick you into looking at my eyes. I’m never gonna be like LOOK AT MY EYES. LOOK AT THEM. THEY ARE GREEN. THERE ARE GOLD FLECKS. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKKK. I mean we live in a culture of eye contact. You’re going to see them.

Are your glasses fake?

They are really really real. -5.50 left eye, -3.75 right eye. That’s an 80 year old woman who didn’t eat her carrots…’s…prescription.

Are you and your brother twins?

Nope. He’s 16 months younger than me. We both have the same hair and are tall so I guess that’s it. Rick and I were both the kids that sat in the back of the classroom and made wisecracks in high school. We have a very strange sense of humor that involves a lot of sarcasm, pop culture references, and strange noises/faces/dances. He texts me a lot of pictures of cats.

Remember me? We went to camp/school together. We talked every day and one time you said this thing and I laughed.

Yeah, I probably have no idea who you are. I forget most people really fast. I’m glad we have so many of your memories together.

Are you a hipster? I can’t really tell.

I have my moments. I think I love lame people things like FRIENDS and the Spice Girls too much to be a real hipster. I do collect records. But one time I found a Fame Monster vinyl and it’s in there with my Beatles and Hall & Oates. I use Moleskines and Apple products. I wear some of my mom’s clothes from the 80s. Baz Luhrmann and Wes Anderson are my favorite directors. I love crafts and cats. But I unironically watch Pretty Little Liars. I tweet at/write to/try to meet celebrities all the time. Wait. I listen to Never Had a Dream Come True all the time. Instant disqualification.

How do you type so fast? Did you take a class?

When I was in 5th grade I didn’t really have any friends. I just read Harry Potter all the time. I had just gotten my own computer so I naturally used it to look up Harry Potter crap. I ran into a Harry Potter chatroom. I wish I was kidding. That’s maybe the nerdiest answer I could have given. Before that chatroom, I pecked each key with my pointer finger. But to say something before the topic changed, you had to be really fast. I taught myself to type just for that purpose. I now type 72wpm. Sometimes I type so fast that my glasses break and I have to tape them back together.

Why do you use caps lock all the time? And why do you end with a period? Are you yelling or not?

DON’T QUESTION ME, BOY. CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR THE ENTHUSIASTIC.

Does everyone in Texas have a horse?

Yes. You should see my cat’s horse. Ol’ Gluey is a glorious steed.

Why don’t you eat or sleep at normal times?

Just because you don’t observe Nap and Meal doesn’t mean they’re not legitimate lifestyle choices. For whatever reason, this blog post has taken two hours. When do I have that block of time except from 4:30-6:30 AM?

Why are you always quoting things other people have never heard of?

Haters back off! (Hahahaha oh, self. Good one.)

Beyonce is overrated.

Shut your filthy whore mouth.

What are some illegal things you’ve done?

If you want the good stories you’re gonna have to buy me Sbux. That’s just how it works.

Y’all the sun is rising. I need to study and prep my prompt book and do laundry and shower and answer emails and send emails and recharge my phone and do homework and propose a microlecture and do registration paperwork and do interview prep and update my calendar and dear lord I need some caffeine.

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