Ashton Kutcher Must be Stopped (Before He Corrupts Our Laptops)

It's a little-known fact that celebrity Ashton Kutcher moonlights as a Lenovo engineer. At first, it was tolerable: a kickstand here, a bigger battery there. But now, the entrepreneur has twisted Lenovo's latest tablets to his own foul aims: the new Yoga Tablet 2 Pro has a built-in projector. And a subwoofer. And a 13-inch, 2560 x 1440 screen. It's a miniature cinema, complete with a tiny Ashton to show you around the place.

Sure, it's only a run-of-the-mill Android tablet otherwise, with a quad-core 1.8GHz Intel Atom processor, 32 GB of storage, and a 9600 mAh battery rated for 15 hours (or three hours in projector mode), but it doesn't take much to corrupt impressionable youth, no? Would you want Ashton to babysit your kids with a movie beamed from this $499 (£310 indicative conversion price, exact UK pricing TBC) portable projector? I thought not.

And that's before you consider that the Yoga Tablet 2 Pro isn't alone: it's merely the flagship for an entire new series of Ashton-inspired machines. Each of the four additional Yoga Tablet 2 devices has a hole cut into the kickstand so you can hang it on the wall like the world's most awkward picture frame. Each has USB-OTG so you can use them to charge your phone.

(Why four models? Because you've got your choice of Android or Windows on either an 8-inch or 10-inch screen, and because the $399 (£247) 10-inch Windows model comes with a snap-on magnetically attached Bluetooth keyboard in an attempt to seem all Surface Pro-like. $249 (£154) for 8-inch Android, $299 (£185) for 10-inch Android or 8-inch Windows.)

Who knows what horrors Ashton might come up with next? I don't even want to imagine what he might do with our precious ThinkPads. And remember: it's only a matter of time before Lenovo owns Motorola too. Sure, the company will tell you it's all based on user research, but we know the truth.