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8.30.2015

Chris Christie Says Every Illegal Immigrant Will Be Fitted with GPS & Shock Collar, Sent to Mexico

LACONIA, NEW HAMPSHIRE (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Republican presidential candidate and Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie announced he wanted to fit a permanent shock collar equipped with a Global Positioning System (GPS) on all illegal immigrants that entered the United States. Christie explained every illegal immigrant would be fitted with a collar and dropped off in Mexico approximately two miles away from the US-Mexico border where the collar would be activated and programmed to shock an illegal immigrant if he or she came within one mile of the United States.

"As president, I promise to spend whatever it takes to hunt down, arrest, and deport every illegal immigrant in this country. And before I send an illegal immigrant back to Mexico that person will be fitted with a permanent shock collar that will also track where they are at all times," pledged Christie to a small group of white people in a place over 2,600 miles away from Mexico.

Christie added, "If a collared illegal immigrant tries to come to the United States again that person will be electrocuted about a mile from the border. Pregnant illegal immigrants will be detained at Guantanamo until they give birth so that a GPS and shock chip can be injected in all newborn babies.

Republican front-runner Donald Trump called Christie's plan "stupid, because it ignores anchor babies," and asserted "the Trump Wall will be way more wonderful, great, and totally work to keep out all the rapists and murderers."

Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto announced his government "will not pay one peso" for either of the "mucho loco" plans, and demanded the collars give "nonlethal shocks."