Men Have Dating Disasters, Too

I promised in today’s column to share the entire e-mail I got from an area man who wanted to offer a male perspective on Internet dating.

Among other things, he was responding to the comments of Elaine, a 58-year-old woman who used to live in the Lehigh Valley and now is in Florida.

I will reply in advance to one question in this e-mail. The writer asks why my Looove Connection columns were one-sided. It’s because I heard in some detail from several women, but got nothing of that sort from any men. Now he has filled the gap, and I’m happy to share it. If you find something in here that you find galling or that resonates with you, that’s what the Comments are for.

Let’s go:

“I found your recent articles about Internet dating quite an interesting read,” he wrote. “I found Elaine's experiences to be humorous insight into the Internet dating scene, a scene which I am all too familiar with. You seem to have only looked at one side of the equation — from a female perspective that painted men as tiring boors, psychotics and lecherous perverts. I don't know if you have received any male opinion as to our perspective when Internet dating, but I am well qualified to render an opinion, as I am filled with experiences and statistics.

“First, I am 42 years old, much younger-looking than my age, a summa cum laude college graduate and vice president of a local company. I exercise (I am a cyclist) and consider myself reasonably fit. I have been Internet dating for several years and have enough experiences that could be wonderful fodder for a horror novel. A few of my experiences follow:

“Once, I was chatting with ‘Cathy’ a 40ish single female. She seemed very interesting and was into many of the activities I was interested in. It was like she could have been a best guy friend, although she was a woman — or so I thought. She kept asking me if I was a jealous sort of guy because she gets a lot of people looking at her. I responded by telling her that I am not the jealous type.

“When we met, I then knew why people would stare at her. She was a he … at least at one point recently in her life she was a man.

“I should have known; the give-away was when she told me that she spent a month in Thailand having ‘surgery.’ I figured she didn't have health insurance and liked Thai food, so why not have surgery done cheaper than here and get a vacation out of it? During our meeting we had a drink and found many people staring at her. I guess a jealous guy wouldn't be able to handle that … or her man-sized mittens. Her pictures were also heavily retouched, as I discovered upon further investigation and dissection of her photos in my Photoshop program. We never met for a second date.

“When a woman tells me that her friends have named her The One Date Wonder because she never goes on a second date with a guy, I run as fast as I can because of an experience with another Internet date. This one told me when we met, and right up front, that I will not get a second date with her because no guy ever has. Very true considering she hasn't had a relationship that lasted longer than three months in her lifetime — and she was 42 years old.

“Even with knowing that, it was OK with her that I paid for dinner and she couldn't even ante up a gratuity. Furthermore, I happen to know a '70s-'80s rock star (and still popular performer), whom she is a fan of, and I surprised her on the date with a CD autographed personally to her (I saw him the week before and got the CD signed). She objected and complained because the CD wasn't one she wanted and the black Sharpie used didn't stand out prominently enough against the artwork on the CD cover. So much for thoughtful intentions.

“If you are late because your AA meeting went long, don't bother showing up. I know everyone has issues, and I would fully support anyone trying to better his/her life, but showing up an hour before we are to meet so you can slam four vodka tonics is just too extreme. This was someone I drove to Hoboken, N.J., to meet, and she was inebriated long before I got there. I almost had to fireman-carry her out the door to her apartment. This was something I couldn't do — carry her to her apartment — because she informed me that she still lived with her boyfriend and he is a steroidal very jealous type.

“I met a lawyer from Bucks County who was in AA, but forgot the part about abstaining from alcohol and drugs as evidenced by her needing to pop a few Vicodin (for back pain) and washing them down with a few glasses of wine. She got really upset when I wanted to end the date early, and she created a scene by my car.

“I always thought love knew no distance or bounds. I found out that one mile extra was just too far for some to travel to meet. I found a very compatible match, and we had great conversations, even shared the same birthday. Her one caveat was that she doesn't like to drive (Subtext: The guy will be doing all the driving) and that she wanted to date a guy who lived within 35 miles of her home. As I stated before, we had GREAT conversations and compatibility, but the nail in the coffin was that I lived exactly 36 miles from her, and she made it clear that it was outside her distance boundary and, therefore, we could not meet or date.

“It is a heavy issue that many people give much weight to: Yes, the weight issue. I would have to say, contrary to your reader friend who claimed that 50 percent of women are overweight, I would safely deduce that eight out of 10 women are very overweight. If a profile states weight as ‘average,’ I take that to mean a few extra pounds. If it states ‘a few extra pounds,’ I take that to mean circus lady fat. I wonder why people try to deceive with the posting of old pictures that show them not how they are today. I, for one, don't want to meet a woman who has gained 50 pounds and three chins since her last picture was taken. I don't think women want guys who are overweight, and men don't want women who are overweight.

“From a male perspective, meeting strange and wacko people is not exclusive to women only. I have found that most women (about 70-75 percent) want a 6 foot 2 inch 185 pound Olympic athlete with a PhD, MD, JD and be a Nobel Prize winner. He should also have all his hair and be a sexual dynamo (a contradiction since most people know that baldness is created by a high testosterone level and therefore, sexual potency). Many of these same women have such rigid restrictions and are looking for the perfect human specimen that it rules out about 99.9 percent of the available men.

“Much like the woman who wouldn't travel one extra mile to meet me, I am convinced that these people really don't want to meet anyone because of their strict requirements, but feel the need to satisfy some requirement of their ego and need of feeling ‘normal’ that they are ‘looking’ for a mate.

“I remember meeting women in my 20s, and it was much easier to date. When you met someone you felt some compatibility with, you went with it and dated. It was much harder to meet someone, even though people were everywhere and so you savored the times you could get a date and tried to make it work. Internet dating, on the other hand, is the exact opposite: People are easier to contact with, but much easier to dispose of.

“I coined a phrase that many (men and women) follow: The Perfect Mate on the First Date. What this means is that men and women seek to find that perfect guy or gal on the first date without really trying to get to know who that person really is. If they don't ‘feel’ that the other person is perfect (or even if they do), they move on because they will say to themselves: ‘Gee … this guy seems perfect and probably would rock my world, but there are 20 other guys who want to meet me, and maybe they are more perfect than this guy, so I can't commit to another date and have to move on.’

“Sadly, this is the standard and not the exception.

“I did enjoy reading your blog and articles, and I hope I have given you further insight into the Internet dating world. I have many more stories and experiences to share. Not all are bad, though, and some were quite positive and fun!”

If any of you out there would care to respond, this is your chance to unload.

Current Comments

Enjoyed reading this blog with the male perspective, by no means is an online dating nightmare relegated to females!!

Posted By: Elaine | Feb 23, 2010 1:22:44 PM

Wow!

Posted By: marc grammes | Feb 23, 2010 6:53:21 PM

I don't doubt that this guy had some unpleasant dating experiences. I'm still waiting for the time to write my essay about my experiences following my foray into craigslist dating a few years ago. But also any guy that has to start off by telling you that he looks younger than he is and has an impressive resume is already behind the curve. If he starts out every conversation or date that way, I think many women would be turned off.

Capri, I think the intent was just to give a context for his experiences and opinions by explaining who he is. You're right, that probably wouldn't go over so well in person, but it might be reasonable if you're describing yourself over the Internet to someone who is considering you for a possible date.

Posted By: bill white | Feb 24, 2010 9:01:06 AM

i am feeling your pain. i have temporarily taken myself out of the dating pool, because my luck has been sooooo bad.....every guy i've met is either looking for me to be a bank, or Mom. the number of adult males who are still living at home is absolutely unreal as well.

Posted By: lisa | Mar 1, 2010 12:22:16 PM

I'm still hearing all over from people who have had bad dating experiences. But the last of them, someone at one of my favorite stands at the Allentown Farmers Market, involved a woman who had some horrible experiences with online dating -- and then met the perfect guy. Now they're married.
Her boss' conclusion was: You have to date a lot of frogs before you meet your prince. If there's an underlying theme in all this stuff, that's it.

Posted By: bill white | Mar 1, 2010 12:26:12 PM

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