Pretty much everyone who bashed metal here has probably only listened to false bands like Slipknot. Most of the definitions about how metal sucks were extremley biased. Because I'm bored, I'm going to dissect this bullshit definition.

"Can you sing about something else besides Satan?"
Groups like Nuclear Assault and Sacred Reich sang about the government and war. In fact, I don't even think those bands sing any songs that go like "HAIL SATAN!". There's other bands who sing about that too. I've also heard many other metal songs about ancient Egypt, medievel times, etc etc (most notabley with Iron Maiden)

"Can you not be such goth fucktards?"
Goth fucktards? Leather, spikes, and chains are hardly gothic. Gothic metal is it's own genre, and I'm not referring to "z0mg im so gawthik" bands like Slipknot and Korn, I'm talking about bands like Type-O-Negative, Paradise Lost, etc.

"Can you focus more on music and maybe write some non-retarded lyrics and maybe get someone who can actually sing to sing them?"
Again, using Iron Maiden as an example, alot of their songs are about history, and they aren't the only ones who do so...and refer to the list of bands above who can actually sing.

"Can you make it a little more normal and a little less like goth vampire shit?"
Refer to what I said about gothic metal

"Can you make it a little more closer to rock & roll?"
I hear alot of influences from early rock and roll in groups like Raven, Motorhead, Anvil, Tygers Of Pan Tang, Exciter.

"Can you go five seconds without mentioning Satan?"
Refer to my first answer.

"^And why the fuck do you do that anyways in the first place?"
Bands who DO sing about Satan do it for the same effect as a horror movie. Sure, some if it is cheesy as hell (like Venom for example), but that doesn't mean theres anything wrong with enjoying it.

"Do you even know the difference between something that sounds like shit and noise and mud vs. something that actually sounds good?"
That's a little subjective now...

The Urban Dictionary T-Shirt

the most fast paced, adreniline exploding, agressive form of rock (or any other music) theres ever been. SLAYER holds the title for greatest gevay metal band ever and always will ecause SLAYER KICKS ASS

The Urban Dictionary T-Shirt

One guy bangs out power chords on his tuned down guitar while the other who's an awesome lead player does a wicked awesome guitar solo while any old monkey bangs on the drums and a special kind of asshole screams the stupidest shit you've ever head in your life!

A typical metal singer sounds like this:

Picture puking your guts out in the toilet while being raped in the ass with a crowbar or two-by-four or some other painfully blunt instrument.

The Urban Dictionary T-Shirt

One of the Greatest forms of Rock Music, and has many subgenres, most are respectable, but some flat out suck. Traditional Heavy metal (Judas Priest, Mötorhead, Iron Maiden, Deep Purple, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath) is by far the most superior of all the metal styles. It encompasses pretty much everything, the best riffs, best vocals, and best subjects, Fantasy Tales, Rock N' Roll, and Girls, (Who doesn't like Girls!). Trad Heavy Metal, usually goes for an exciting, or feel-good style of song, which, coupled with its heavy distortion and anthemic choruses made it one of the best and most influential subgenres of Rock. While Trad Heavy Metal was by far the best, In a close second was 80's metal (both glam and thrash). Trad Metal had a sort of feel of both darkness (Iron Maiden, Black Sabbath) and fun (Deep Purple, Judas Priest). In the 80's metal began to divide. Thrash took the darker side of metal added the speed of hard core punk and combined, and the result was Thrash Metal. Metallica, Megadeth, and Anthrax, did this the best. Slayer on the other hand were Nazi, white supremacist assholes, who were more death metal, and jerks overall. Thrash was great (discounting Slayer), but Hair Metal was of equal merit. It took the fun side of Metal and made it… more fun. Glam, as it was called was heavy, but not like thrash, it heavy in a more anthemic way, Mötley Crüe, did this the best. Equally as good, if not more accesible. The 70's and 80's were the golden age of metal, the 90's things started to suck. With Exceptions of Pantera and Faith No More, the 90's was the era of grunge (which sukced) and Sucky Metal. First of all Nü metal ruined metal completely. Korn sucked big dick. They were terrible with their lameass antics and sucky songs. Limp Bizkit, equally as sucky so lameass. Rage Against the Machine was real good though. Now, we come to the most sucky sucky sucky sukcy sucky sucky sucky scucky sucky SUCKY metal band of all time. Slipknot. They should go die. Honestly, the metal world would be a lot better. First of all, Their guitars are so downtuned that it doesn't matter what note they hit. The Vocals are sucky, Corey Taylor ruined metal, along with the rest of his suckyass band. Their just the same sort of phrases shouted over and over again (Fuck You, Go Die etc.). Their is no melody, the solos suck, and their is pretty much no talent. Slipknot should die. Anyway so from now one we can only leave our trust in bands such as Wolfmother, Priestess, and The Darkness to champion Metal. Nü metal sucks, Trad Metal will always kick their lamass asses out hte door.