After a breast surgery, the doctor asks his patient:
- Are you happy with the result?
- Yes I am. They are perfect! You know, doctor, I have another request: I would like to have bigger eyes.
- No problem! Nurse, show the bill to the lady.

Joe went to Africa for a safari and there was captured by a tribe of cannibals. They looked him carefully and the cook decided to prepare a good soup with Joe as the main ingredient
and a few vegetables that were available. The pot with Joe was set on fire, together with the vegetables cut into medium size, like the ancient recipe of the place. Obviously there
was a large lid over the pot to cook everything faster. The whole village has stopped waiting for a delicious dish. The chef from time to time uncovered the pan and beat Joe with a
wooden spoon. The chief of the tribe, curiously asks the chef:
- Sorry, but why are you hitting him?
- He eats the vegetables.

A lady is doing her daily shopping in the store near place she lives. She bought low fat milk, eggs, orange juice, salad, coffee and meat. While she
was unloading the shopping from the basket, a drunk guy, who was standing behind her, was observing. While they were waiting in the line, the drunk guy says quietly:
- I guess you are not married.
The woman, slightly surprised by this statement, shows to be intrigued by the intuition of the drunk guy because he was right and she was not married.
She turns back looking at her shopping without finding nothing strange, nothing that can show she was single. All at once she says:
- You are right. Tell me, how did you guess?
- You're tremendously ugly!

A man enters in a wine store and asks the seller:
- What would you advise me for the 25 anniversary of the wedding?
- Dear sir, it depends if you want to celebrate or to forget.

Two friends play golf. One of them is ready to hit the ball and in that moment a funeral hearse passes by. The man stops, take off his hat and bows. His friend:
- I didn't know that you are so sensible.
- However, I was married to her for 30 years.

Husband asks his wife:
- Would you like to spend a nice weekend?
- Of course my dear!
- See you on Monday then.

Two friends:
- What is it: it weighs 500 pounds, it provides heat during the winter but hangs on the tree during the summer?
- ???
- It is a stove.
- A stove that hangs on a tree?
- Why does it matter to you where I keep my stove during the summer.

A man at the doctor:
-Doctor, I have diarrhea and it won't go away!
-Did you try using a lemon?
-Yes I did, but when I removed it, it started again!

- Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?
- No it doesn't my son.
- Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed.

A man is driving on a city bus with a newspaper on his knee. From time to time, he rips a piece off,
ripping that piece into smaller ones and throwing them out the window. A passenger standing near him asks:
-Excuse me, why are you throwing pieces of paper out the window?
-I'm chasing away the elephants
-Chasing elephants? There aren't elephants in the city.
-Well that means it's working!

Two friends:
- I heard that you have made a band.
- Yes, it's a quartet.
- How many of you are there?
- There are three.
- Three?
- Me and my brother.
- You have a brother?
- No, why do you ask?

In a restaurant, a man ordered soup but, as soon as it arrived, he had to go to the bathroom. To make sure that nobody touched his soup while he is away, he wrote on a napkin: "I SPIT IN THE SOUP".
When he returned, he found another message on napkin: "ME, TOO".