Ever since “Three Lions”, it has been diminishing returns on the England football song front. This year is no exception. Here, Andy Dawson listens to them, so you don’t have to

Following his tragically premature death, Rik Mayall
could be heading to the top of the charts this weekend with his Noble England
song, which was originally recorded as an unofficial anthem for England’s 2010 World Cup campaign.

But what of the rest of 2014’s unofficial offerings? You’d think that the freedom of being able to express yourself musically without the FA breathing down your neck would lead to a rainbow explosion of magical England-based creativity, wouldn’t you?

You’d be wrong.

D & OD – “Maccarooney”

Imagine if the Macarena was actually done by the Pet Shop Boys as a tossed off B-side, with vocals sung by Brookside’s Damon Grant and that’s what you’ve got here – with lyrics rewritten to fit in with the World Cup Sweats™.

Sadly, said lyrics focus mainly on the man who might well start England’s group matches on the bench due to his shoddy form.

Proceeds from this go to the Street League
charity, which means that it’d be wrong to describe it as like having a thousand vuvuzelas melted down and poured directly into your ears.

So we won’t.

Hearts & Lions – “The perfect game”

An unmemorable lump of power pop with pointless, drawled vocals that has one yearning for the return to the charts of the Pigeon Detectives. Also, would it have hurt to have ironed the flag before you stuck it on the wall, lads?

Proceeds from this go to Diabetes UK, which means that it’d be wrong to describe it as the musical equivalent of having an endoscopy carried out by a drunken child.

So we won't.

Eversfield – “Sing out for England”

The kind of song that Mumford & Sons would chuck straight on to their musical compost heap – you wouldn’t be singing this out for England even if you were languishing in a Rio jail and it was part of the conditions of your release.

Proceeds from this go to Cancer Research, which means that it’d be wrong to describe it as the musical equivalent of finding a handful of mealworms in your World Cup beer.

So we won’t.

Disco Mister – “Bring It Home”

There’s a formula emerging here – cobble together a half-baked, ‘anthemic’ melody and then sing the names of a bunch of England heroes over the top of it. What – no mention of Carlton Palmer? Shame on you, Disco Mister.

Spurge Soundtracks & World Cup Clive – “What if”

The only song on our list which isn’t affiliated with a charity – and that’s probably because they all had a listen to it before politely declining. In this one, ‘socker puppet’ Clive mournfully lists all the sacrifices he’s prepared to make to help England progress all the way to the final. Someone put the boot in, please.

Mind you, it’s comfortably the best out of the whole of this sorry bunch.

Oh, how we yearn for the days when the whole England Squad were forced to rock up to the Top Of The Pops studios to belt out “Back Home” or “This Time”...