Wednesday, February 08, 2006

10 Things We State About...

Because most pop artists have nothing better to do in the cold month of February, it's all go on the award ceremony front right now, with various stars putting on their best dresses in the hope of getting a cheap plastic trinket, along with the slight more desirable sales boost that winning a prize portends. Tonight it's the turn of the American Grammy Awards, so to celebrate here are ten entirely true and in no way made up facts about these prestigious awards:-

The Grammys are so called because they reward musicians who your Grammy and Gramdad have heard of.

Due to the millions upon millions who tune into the telecast of the ceremony, American electric companies love these awards. Mainly because the entire audience promptly falls asleep at the mention of the words "best traditional pop vocal album (recorded in the key of C minor)", leaving everything switched on, happily burning away power all night long.

As will all award ceremonies, winners are decided via complex formula involving a panel of judges, sales figures and, the most important factor of all, who can actually be arsed turning up on the night.

The most exciting thing to ever occur at a Grammy ceremony happened in 1976 when one of Chicago leapt up in joy as he successfully completed the New York Times crossword. 4 Down was "Asparagus".

Age is no barrier to winning one of these awards. Indeed, the older the better. In fact, the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences, who pick the winners, prefer it if you're so old you're actually dead.

Proving how in touch they are with the modern music scene, the award handed to winners is in the shape of a Gramophone player.

There are 4,317 different prizes awarded at the ceremony, including "Best Zither Use", "Best Freeform Jazz Solo Lasting No Longer than 18 Minutes, 17 Seconds", "Best Female Vocal in Frequency Audible Only to Dogs", and "Best Band Called The Dave Matthews Band".

All black artists nominated for a prize have to wear a special hat as members of the Academy have a tendency to assume they're waiters otherwise.

Cheering is not permitted during the ceremony. A polite smattering of applause is the only form of appreciation allowed, lest the president of the academy be disturbed from his slumbers.