The 9 Most Insane Board Games of All Time

We realize that advertising should be taken with a whole shaker of salt, especially when it comes to toys, where there's a long history of making products look better than they are (as multiple generations of Sea Monkeys owners can testify). These board game boxes, though, go beyond deceptive advertising and right into the realm of "See, this is why your industry collapsed."

After all, we would have never stopped playing if these games had lived up to the depiction on their boxes. Just look at ...

#9. The Backbone

Ah, yeah! This may be the best thing, ever. You convince a lady friend to take off her clothes and lie down, then you paint the game board -- surely the paints are included -- on her back! Or, if you're a serial killer, like the guy on the box, you could use a dead hooker. To win, you ... oh, who cares? It's a naked woman! And paint!

It's a damned geometry game. The goal is to place your pawns in each color row until you form a polygon ... and, we can't stress this enough ... not on a naked woman.

There isn't even any nude art anywhere on the game board, and the pieces don't have tiny boobs. The only way this game could be worse would be if you had to talk about your feelings while making polygons.

Photos.comHere, take the ceremonial protractor and tell me about your father.

#8. 15 Love

Via Etsy.com"Given, he was playing against a corpse, and they had to go to a tie breaker, but still."

What It Looks Like:

A part-time tennis hustler and full-time sex-offender-registry member named Biggs Calderhead is running roughshod over the Eastern seaboard, separating unsuspecting tennis amateurs from their hard-earned cash and unsuspecting girls from their hard-earned innocence. And this fun-filled game shows you how to be just like him! Awesome?

What It Is:

Via Boardgamegeek.comOrange for his pedostache, yellow for that beer gut and white for that creepy leer. The green dice are amphetamines.

Yes, it's a board game for people who find tennis too thrilling to watch. Each player gets two dice, and the rolls determine what kind of shot you make. So, you roll dice, pretend to hit a lob, roll dice, pretend to hit a passing shot, and so on and so on until someone wins or you doze off. Not only does the concrete block mentioned on the cover never make an appearance, but it looks like there isn't even a net, for the love of God. Damn it, you've hustled us again, famous tennis hustler Biggs Calderhead!

#7. Mixed Pickles

Uh-oh! The family dog, Pickles, is on a tear! Nothing is safe from this rampaging little doggie and his appetite for destruction. You and up to three friends play as the family's insanely creepy, stone-faced children and try to tame this wild pup by beating the shit out of him with a boot. We won't tell PETA if you don't!

It's a 19th century card game with three sentence fragments on each card. You mix them up, make silly sentences and hilarity ensues! How riotous do things get? Check out this potential sentence:

"I'm always in for hunting buffalo at a wedding."

You're just going to have to take our word for it, but we promise jokes like that absolutely killed back in 1890.

#6. Morron Terror

Via Boardgamegeek.comWait, is this the German equivalent to the Scary Movie franchise?

What It Looks Like:

The inhabitants of an orphanage face daily TERROR at the hands of an alcoholic, cross-dressing caretaker named Benedict MORRON. Players compete to see who can respond to a series of loudly slurred commands the fastest. Don't be last, or else you'll get locked in a closet and deprived of food, daylight and human interaction for six days!

Freddy, who looks downright happy inside the box, needs to get dressed for the day. That's it. You follow the instructions on a cassette tape (the black thing in the middle of the box, kids), and the winner is whoever can put the clothing cards on Freddy in the right combination. So we were kind of correct, provided you remove anything remotely interesting we said in the previous description. Question: Does "terror" mean "boring" in German?

#5. Narro

Clowns would never hurt anybody, every kid knows that! But when a small town is overrun by impostor clowns intent on eating children in their sleep, you're the last line of defense against evil fakers that want to devour every soul in sight. But how can you tell the evil clowns from the non-evil clowns? Trick question, they're all evil. But killing the ones that have disgusting, pulsating purple orbs on their heads earns you extra points! Kill them all! For the sake of the children!

What It Is:

Via Boardgamegeek.comIf you look at it through the special clown glasses, it tells you to kill your parents.

Fucking checkers. One player uses the round pieces, one the square pieces, and you capture the other player's pieces by jumping over them. Super original gameplay, Narro. They did stick outlines of clown heads on the pieces, but besides that, there doesn't even seem to be anything clown-themed about the game -- you just have to use your imagination to picture in your mind the clowns "jumping" their victims and sending their "souls" to "hell."