Category Archives: Learning experiences

A life coach told me soon after meeting me that I was “visionary.” I just can’t help but see the “big picture” pretty much everywhere I look. I can see the good and the bad all at the same time. This can be frustrating if I see something (or someone) headed in the wrong direction. This can be useful if I am planning something. I can choose to use my personality trait for good, or for evil. In the words of Mr. Monk, “It’s a gift, and a curse.”

Personality traits are like that, a gift AND a curse. You and I were pretty much born the way we are, we didn’t have a say in the matter. We are like lumps of newly formed clay, ready to be shaped by family, time, and circumstances. Very occasionally that shaping forms a near-perfect human that can manage life well. But mostly, we turn out slightly misshapen, with an oddly placed handle here, or a slightly twisted rim there. Then we become adults. All of that molding and shaping that had been going on by the people in charge of us comes to a screeching halt, and, well, we are what we are.

Do you feel like this inside?

Then, we go through the fires that hardens the clay and solidifies the shape we were when we stepped into adulthood. Because life is like that. Trial by fire. Will we survive, or won’t we? Sure, we have to accept ourselves for who we are, and so should our loved ones. But, I truly think that this only goes so far. It’s hard to be around someone with an anger problem. It’s hard to keep throwing paddles and a boat out to someone who is stubbornly (yes, I say “stubbornly” because you and I can choose to be despondent, or not) stuck in a pond of despondency and despair.

We start to feel the the moments that the oddly placed handle gets in the way, causing all sorts of problems. We feel embarrassment when the slightly twisted rim keeps spilling the liquid inside at all the wrong times. Sometimes whole pieces fall off, or we are dashed to the tile floor and break. In many cases, people throw up their hands after several failures and say, “I’m never going to change!” We are what we are, right? Why bother trying? Well, yes, and no.

The truth is, we can’t change our genetic inheritance, but we do have a choice in how we use those traits: we can choose to stay the way we were shaped, or we can choose to, effectively, start over by smashing up the broken vessel and getting some fresh clay. You already have the ingredients you need: personality traits, learning experiences, belief systems, relationships, and etc. You can decide which ingredients you are going to use, and which you are going to throw out. You can decide how those personality traits will manifest in the real world. In other words, you decide who you are and how you behave. You get to choose the colors and the shape. That’s right. Shall I say it again?

YOU GET TO DECIDE.

Frankly, It really doesn’t matter what came before. All of those childhood experiences that brought to where you are don’t matter much. What matters is what you decide today. Do you struggle with fear (like me)? You can decide today to make a step toward freedom from that fear. Do you struggle with an addiction that rules your life? You can decide today to get yourself to the appropriate help according to your needs. It’s your choice. It’s up to you. You could change from the above to this:

*Author’s note: Before I get started here, I would just like to say, I love it when you come to visit. Yes, I mean you. I would love to sit down and have a chat with you. I would love to hear what you have to say on whatever I write about. So, if you come by, why not leave me your calling card, or a nice little note that let’s me know you were here? Frankly, it encourages me to keep doing what I’m doing. In other words comments are welcome and encouraged here. I generally leave a little question at the end as a prompt to get a discussion going. You can answer it, or not, as you prefer.

I had a powerful experience on Saturday that got my juices flowing and the wheels spinning for my little bloggity once again. The sucky experience that I am having is still sucky and I am still experiencing it. But, I feel the need to talk about something that I feel is very foundational to overcoming emotional difficulties: knowing yourself.

In “The Matrix” Neo goes to visit the Oracle to find out if he is “The One” (i.e. the savior of their world). She points to her little sign in her kitchen (which says Temet Nosce, by the way. This is just a variation of the phrase) above the doorway and explains to him rather bluntly that if you are something, you just know it. You don’t need to be convinced by your friends, you don’t need constant reassurance, you just know it. I know that I am a good mother. I know that I am an artist. I know that I am gifted in counseling others. I know that I am a Christian. I don’t need other’s to affirm this, I just know.

I truly feel that I am meant to do this blog, and to write books. But, one thing I have had a hard time convincing myself of is that I AMa writer. As in, “this is my identity.” As in, “Hi. I’m Stephanie. I’m a writer” (Not that I would actually introduce myself that way. But, I think you get my point). I feel a little surprised when people praise my work here on this blog. Sometimes, I almost don’t believe them. Silly, I know.

This is mostly because I find writing to be a difficult, sometimes agonizing, experience. I’m not goo-goo eyed over writing like some authors. It takes me twice as long as normal people to write anything of worth or significance. I find it excruciating to get started most of the time. I find it difficult to maintain my focus once I get going. I feel guilt for spending 2.5 hours writing 600 words. I have to manage my ADHD and other learning difficulties to finish my task. In other words, I just don’t LOVE writing like I love doing other things. I have asked myself more than once, “How can I BE a writer if I don’t LOVE it?”

This question has stopped me from moving forward in doing the things that I am meant to do. I just couldn’t see myself doing the things I am meant to do because I couldn’t (or perhaps wouldn’t?) believe in my identity as an writer.

But Saturday changed all of that. I met with about 4 other people. 2 of whom I have known a really long time, 1 I knew fairly well, and 1 I sort of knew a little. We met together to encourage each other. To help each other overcome the log jams stopping us from flowing in our gifts. I spoke for a while about where I was on a few things, including the I’m-supposed-to write-books-but-can’t-get-started-because-I-don’t-believe-I-am-an-author problem. The leader of our group (Rob Stoppard. A great guy, you should check him out) said to me people get stopped up in doing what they are meant to do because they believe lies about themselves. Lies like “I don’t love writing so how can I be a writer”, or “I am never going to change”, or “I can’t change”, or “I will always be (fill in the blank)“, or whatever you say about yourself.

The only way to combat this is to change your habit of lying to yourself, and start telling yourself the truth. I think if you look deep in your heart you can find your gifts, your talents, and your identity. It’s like a treasure box just waiting to be opened, and you hold the key to open that treasure box. And, if you open it you have to decide what you believe about what’s inside. You have to decide that the treasure is who you are, or not. But sometimes, even we do this, we get lost on our way back. Parts of the treasure get lost and never make it home. Like me and this writing thing.

The group had me do an exercise that has forever changed my life. They first asked me to look in the mirror and say out loud to myself, “I am a writer.” I felt more than a little shy about doing this. So, they offered themselves up to act as a sort of mirror. I had to look people in the eye and say out loud, “I am a writer.” They took it one step further and had me say, “I am a famous writer.” And although it was a little difficult to look people in the eye and say these truths out loud, I did just that several times. I stated a few other things I have had a hard time believing lately as well. As soon as I said these things, it’s like a spotlight was suddenly focused on my poor, lost treasures. I could find them, and bring them home. I could take them within my psyche and revel in the simple pleasure of knowing myself. It was like being born again.

And now, I feel free to do what I am mean to do. I believe that I am a writer. That even I can be a famous writer.

And you are free to discover things about yourself you never knew. You can go on a quest to find your treasure, to change your life into something better, to become who you are meant to be.

I haven’t been on here for a while, because a circumstance in my life pretty much sucks right now. Out of respect for those involved, I am not going to divulge the details at this time. Besides, this post is not really about the circumstance itself. Rather, this post is about my response to the circumstance.

I’d like to start by saying that what I am experiencing is completely new to me. The torrent of emotions is a bit terrifying because they are so strong. At this stage in this current reality, I either feel everything, or nothing. I’m either fully engaged in my terrifying emotions, or not at all. I want to spend enormous amounts of time by myself. I don’t want to cry in front of people (because I am already prone to crying at the drop of a hat, I cry about this without warning or much provocation) and have to explain myself. I think you get the point that there is nothing in between either option. Everyday is a fight to stay focused on life. I have to be able to “do” my life according to it’s rules. I still have a son to love and care for despite the circumstance. I have a husband who needs my empathy just as much as I need his.

Life has taught me that new experiences feel awkward, strange, and scary. My brain has to store the new experience as memories and grow new neurons based on those memories so that the experience becomes familiar and part of my brain-scape. Perhaps this is why a lot people dislike change so much, because the new experience takes time to get used to. But, eventually one does get used to the experience. One mostly knows what to expect, and (mostly) how to respond. The stored memories and new neurons give us a structure to rely on.

Being the intuitive, introspective, deep-thinking sort, I will learn things from this experience. After the worst of this is over, I will be able to look back and see the blessings, the bad stuff, the I-never-want-to-go-through-this-again stuff, even the happy moments. Next time, I will know how to respond to the circumstance, and to my own emotions. Next time, I might be able to find a middle ground between the terror and the numbness.

Despite the difficulties, I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow.