Jersey Shore sure is popular, despite logic dictating it’s lame as shit and glorifies borderline, intentional retardation. Now that the gang of non-Italians is off to Italy for reasons best left pondered by people who know what paint chips taste like, and talk of spin offs hangs in the air like so many oversized earrings dangling from an orange-hued troll that reeks of pink champagne and a half-finished GED, we figured it would be cromulent to put together a handy guide for building your own Jersey Shore character so you can exploit the fame for your own ends. Please ensure your ends are to destroy the original Jersey Shore.

Name: Every good Jersey Shore character doesn’t exist. But even the shitty ones have dumb names. Snooki? That sounds like a cute name for rat sex. The Situation? I’d like to see him spell it. But you’ll need a name, too. Try one of these!

Personality: Jersey Shore characters technically have personalities, insofar as they have enough higher functions to maintain and sustain life and interact with others. Did you ever have two goldfish and one seemed really aggressive? See, everything that is still alive can sort of have a personality. You’ll need a good one.

Physical Attribute of Note: Because your personality is what science calls “lacking,” you’ll need to supplement it with a physical characteristic that helps define you. On Jersey Shore today that could be your disgusting fake tan, your abs, your boobs or the sludgey slosh that you can just barely hear every time you move your head.

Idiotic Catch Phrase: This is a bit of a tough one to wrap your head around insofar as everything said on Jersey Shore is idiotic. But if you want to market yourself properly, you need to understand what the people like, and the people like catch phrases – a handy little something you can say once per episode that they will eventually print on T-shirts.

Drunken Shame: As a Jersey Shorian, you’ll need to do a lot of drinking and, once you get used to that, you’re going to have to be ready to admit to or act out some shameful things that you can later blame on the drink. This hearkens back to your faulty personality and will add another dimension to you which, if you’re keeping track, will be the first dimension.

Congratulations, you’re practically a worthless MTV star already. Find some friends who can add some variety and then make sure you have no obvious reason to exist and ta da! You win!