Take a Break From Throwing Away All Your White Clothes and Listen to John Oliver’s New Labor Day Rules

If your entire identity centers around your signature ivory-and-eggshell outfits, your sexy winks, and your polite conversational lies, then brace yourself for some bad news, Jack White. John Oliver is attempting to hijack our extremely reasonable, extremely American prohibition against wearing white after Labor Day to ban winking and telling boring people, “That’s interesting.” But how can we get rid of winking when Rihanna is so very close to finally achieving her dream? At least she has a day to put in one final effort. After that, no more winks. Eyes must both be staring straight ahead or slammed shut, with zero exceptions.