The frequently zany scribblings of a well-rounded man with passionate opinions. Hey, it's better than "Something I put up because I needed to rant before my head exploded."

Friday, November 18, 2016

PARODY TIME-MARY ANNE'S BIG BREAKUP

MARY ANNE’S BIG BREAKUP

Scene 1

Mary Anne’s room. Mary Anne is looking through a shoebox
full of cards and letters. Sharon
enters.

Sharon:
What do you have there?

Mary Anne: Everything I’ve ever written to Logan.

Sharon:
Why do _you have them?

Mary Anne: He loaned them to me so I could re-create my
journal. It was his idea. Can you believe he’s kept everything I’ve ever sent
him? Isn’t that sweet? (Gazing down at the box) It looks like it’s all here.

Sharon:
That’s extremely sweet. Logan
is so tenderhearted.

Mary Anne: Definitely.

Sharon:
I’m glad you found someone who’s so much like you.

Mary Anne: Sharon,
do you think I’m wimpy?

Sharon:
No, why would you ask such a thing? I mean, look at what you’ve gone through.
You grew up without a mother. You had your father, but he was strict. Then
again, the whole growing up without a mother thing can’t be good for anyone, no
matter how great the father is.

Mary Anne: Well, I feel like I’m wimpy because I want to
break up with Logan and play the field but I don’t think I can get up the
courage to do it.

Sharon:
Sure you can. You can dump that bastard like a bad habit. Also, I came in to
tell you you’re five minutes late for your BSC meeting.

Mary Anne: I better go. (She runs out of her room) It’s just
too bad I have to go through a bar to enter and leave the house.

She enters the bar. A guy starts running after her. “Poker
Face” by Lady Gaga plays in the background. Mary Anne exits.

Mary Anne reaches under the bed, pulls out the record book
and glances through it.

Mary Anne: Uh oh. No one is free next Saturday.

Claudia: That’s right. Stacey is going to be smoking pot
behind the library, I’m going to be helping Mongrel and Weasel with the liquor
store heist, Kristy’s going to be hanging out in the front part of my house,
and Mary Anne’s got to take care of some witnesses from one of Mongrel and
Weasel’s previous jobs.

Kristy: We’ll have to call up Logan.

Mary Anne: Ah, Logan.

Stacey: What’s the matter. You say his name like it’s
something awful, like _school or _job.

Mary Anne: I want to break up with Logan and play the field.

Claudia: Why would you want to do that?

Mary Anne: Because it’s quite evident that his rich family
isn’t going to give me any money

Stacey: Then by all means,you get out there, girl.

Kristy: I don’t know. I mean, are you absolutely sure his
family isn’t going to give you any money?

Mary Anne: Pretty sure.

Stacey: Shouldn’t we call Logan and get back to Mrs. Rodowsky about
next Saturday?

Kristy: No, I frankly lost interest in anything to do with
this club anymore.

Claudia: Everything except this!

She reaches under her pillow and pulls out a coffee can full
of pot. The girls cheer.

Stacey: How do you sleep at night with that thing under your
pillow?

Claudia: I use these.

She opens her sock drawer and pulls out a bottle of sleeping
pills.

Scene 3

The Argo Diner. It is really the front room of a shabby
looking house. An old tape of a CFL game plays loudly in the background. Logan
and Mary Anne are sitting at a table with one leg missing. Mrs. Smith, the
waitress and one of the proprietors slams the plates of food down on the table.

Mary Anne: Logan,
we need to talk.

Logan:
About what.

Mary Anne: Us.

Logan:
Us? You mean you’re remedial spelling test. Like I told you, it is I t, the is
t h e, us is u s, meaning u and s, not U.S. like the country, and a and I
are just a and i.

Mary Anne: No, not that. I wanted to talk about our
relationship.

Logan:
What about it?

Mary Anne: Well, it seems like we always do what you want to
do. You’re the one who makes all the decisions.

Logan:
Well, where would you have liked to have gone for dinner tonight?

Mary Anne: Well, here. I mean this place is the best.

Mr. Smith: (From the living room) Hon, get me a beer.

Mrs. Smith: (From the living room) Get it yourself. Cripes,
you drink so much of it in one evening I should just get you kegs.

Mr. Smith: I can’t drink from those anymore after the doctor
told me to stop because I’d gotten waterlogged so many times.

Mrs. Smith: Screw you.

Mary Anne: It’s just that, it seems like you never consult
me on anything.

Mr. Smith: (From the living room) That’s not it at all. Ten
to one she just wants to play the field, the little bitch.

Logan:
Is that what it is?

Mary Anne: Actually, that’s exactly what it is.

Logan:
I’m leaving.

Mary Anne: Yeah, I’m done my food too.

They exit. Mrs. Smith comes into the front room.

Mrs. Smith: You forgot to pay for the food.

Logan:
Screw you.

Mary Anne: If it’s any consolation, we weren’t planning to
pay anyway.

Logan:
You want us to still be friends. In other words, you want to get together every
couple weeks so you can tell me about all your problems with your friends and
whatnot, because being your ex-boyfriend I know you more deeply than anyone.
Then, after we’ve talked about those problems with your friends and things like
that, you’ll drop me like a hot potato until the next time you need to talk to
someone about how stupid Claudia is and how she always screws up the jobs
Mongrel and Weasle give her to do.

Claudia comes running up to them.

Claudia: Hey guys, what’s going on?

Mary Anne: I just broke up with Logan.

Claudia puts her hand to her mouth and laughs.

Claudia: Let’s go inside.

Mary Anne and Claudia go into Claudia’s house. A police car
speeds to a stop.

Officer: Darn, the bitch we were after for that liquor store
robbery ran inside her house and we don’t have an arrest warrant. Let’s arrest
this guy.

Logan:
You can’t do that. I haven’t done anything wrong that you’ve managed to catch
me for and plus, I’ll miss football practice tomorrow.

Officer: You’ve got kind of long hair. People’ll suspect you
of something dirty. We’ll convince a jury for sure.

Scene 5

Claudia’s room. Claudia and Mary Anne are sitting on
Claudia’s bed.

Claudia: Codeen or acid?

Mary Anne: Both, please.

Claudia: Definitely. Mescalen?

Mary Anne: Sure.

Claudia: Cocaine? Heroine?

Mary Anne: Definitely.

Claudia: Let’s go over to your house.

Mary Anne: Sounds like a good idea.

Scene 6

The school hallway. Mary Anne is standing beside her locker.
Some boys from the football team come up to her.

Football Player 1: Hey, Mary Anne. We just thought you’d be
interested to know we’re gonna hoist you on top of the flagpole.

Mary Anne: Let me guess. This is because I broke up with Logan.

Football Player 2: Exactly.

Mary Anne: Look, it’s like I keep saying. I wanted to play
the field so I broke up with Logan.
Isn’t that a good reason?

Football Player 1: But you broke his heart.

Mary Anne: Why do boys always have to stick together?

Football Player 2: Well, it’s not a matter of loyalty. We
just want to hoist you onto the flagpole.

Mrs. Bruno: Logan’s
at football practice but I don’t know what he’s going to do afterwords and I
don’t know when I’ll be finished my bender so just leave whenever you want.

Mary Anne: OK. Where are the kids?

Mrs. Bruno: I don’t know where Kerry and Hunter are. Anyway,
I have to go. Bye.

Mary Anne enters the house and opens the liquor cabinet. She
gets out a bottle of brandy and sits on the couch. A brick whizzes past her
head, narrowly missing her.

Mary Anne: Hey!

Kerry and Hunter enter.

Kerry: We just want to say that we don’t like you anymore
because you broke up with Logan.

Mary Anne: I think we need to talk. Come sit down beside me.

Kerry and Hunter sit down beside Mary Anne.

Hunter: You don’t like Logan
anymore.

Mary Anne: No, it’s not that I don’t like Logan anymore. It’s just … well, you ever
known someone who loved someone, then they found out that someone didn’t own
all the cool stuff they said they had, and you realized you weren’t going to
play all the video game systems they had, or ride that horse they said they
kept in the crawlspace under the stairs, and you still loved the person, but
you wanted to find more people to love in hopes they would have the cool stuff
you wanted?

Kerry: Do you mean like friends or like a boyfriend and
girlfriend.

Mary Anne: I mean like a boyfriend and girlfriend. The
someone I’m referring to still loved their boyfriend or girlfriend, but they
want to find other boys or girls for the reason I mentioned earlier.

Hunter: Oh, you mean like Uncle Kevin.

Mary Anne: Yes! I mean exactly like your Uncle Kevin.

Kerry: I get it now. I’m not mad at you anymore, Mary Anne.

Hunter: I see it to, but the doctor says I have Child Sadism
Syndrome so I’m still gonna beat you black and blue.

He proceeds to do so.

Scene 8

The school hallway. Mary Anne is standing at her locker. The
guys from the football team come up to her.

Football Player 1: OK, we’re gonna hoist you onto the
flagpole now.

The football players carry her into the gym and hoist her on
top of the flag pole. They exit.

Mary Anne: Help! Help!

Horhay, the retarded illegal alien enters.

Horhay: Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Mary Anne: Horhay, help me.(Horhay begins rattling off a Hitler
speech in Spanish. He then pulls out a machine gun and shoots up the gym.) Hey
Horhay, wanna go on a date sometime?

Horhay: Si.

Scene 9

The street outside Mary Anne’s house. Mary Anne is standing
in front of her house. Claudia comes up beside her.

Claudia: How was your date?

Mary Anne: It sucks. Who figures a poor person isn’t going
to have any money?

Claudia: Well, I think I got the solution.

Claudia pulls a can of gas and a match out of her bag.

Mary Anne: Hey, good idea.

Mary Anne lights the can of gas and throws it at her house.
The house burns to the ground over the closing credits.

Based on "Mary Anne's Big Breakup" by Anne M. Martin.

"Parody Time" will return in the new year with a whole new set of laughs.