Monday, July 31, 2006

It's going to be 105 degrees this week in New York City. No doubt it's probably because Bush has not signed on to Kyoto, so to help curb Global Warming, this website has instituted a recycling program for old posts. The first posts to be recycled are "You are so liberal if..." posts done prior to the 2004 election and first recycled a couple of weeks ago.

Check out these YSLs and add a few of your own in the comments. I will pick some of the best for YSL Part 10.

If you are proud of your "Hugo Chavez gave me gas" t-shirt, you may be a liberal.

If re-electing Cynthia McKinney makes sense to you.

Finally....You are a liberal if you agree with your great-grandfather that Lothar Witzke and Kurt Jahnke did not blow up the ammunition depot in New York in July of 1916. In fact, it must have been a controlled demolition put together by the US government to get us involved in WWI.Bonus if your grandfather put together a wire frame model of the ammo depot and lit it on fire to convince you of the theory.

Maybe sometime next week I'll post YSL - Part X. If you have a YSL suggestion, please post it in the comments below.

A "You are so Conservative" series is also in the works. If you have some funny suggestions for that one, email me.

Disclaimer: These entries are a joke. You do not have to be liberal to fall under these entries. Not all liberals subscribe to these ideals. If you base your political ideals on a song, celebrity's opinion, bumper sticker, TV show, cartoon, movie, or blog entry you are a moron and should move to Boston (or New Jersey).

What is it with New Yorkers and their strange pets? Last year, this guy in the Bronx went to the hospital because his pet alligator (which lived in his kitchen) had attacked him.

Now, the ASPCA has charged Humberto Rodriguez with one count of animal cruelty after a month-long investigation into Mr. Rodriguez's treatment of this pet rooster. The ASPCA was called by neighbors of Humberto after a headless rooster appeared on his fire escape.

Mr. Rodriguez was upset at his pet rooster because it was fighting with one of his other pets, a baby pigeon. So Humberto bit his cock's head off (sorry, I always wanted to use that statement in a post) and placed his dead cock on the fire escape for all to see.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Top Entries10. A brain transfusion is attempted to cure Ted Kennedy's problems with recurring stupidity. - Rodney Dill9. Thank you for your order Mr Kennedy and Mr Kennedy. Your scotch will be right up! - Sssteve8. Does this Kennedy rape trial take place in France? - walrus7. 'Great Minds' Think AlikeTed: "I got to get Patrick to drive tonite"Patrick: "I got to get Ted to drive tonite"-VBJunkie

6. After passing out at another one of Patrick's drinking parties, Teddy quickly realized that he had been a victim of "The Brown Finger." - GOP and College5. Transcript of headset audio: Inhale...Exhale...Inhale...Exhale... - BC4. Patrick - "Wow, these Foam Domes suck!"Teddy - "Idiot." - Wyatt Earp3. During a historic joint session of Congress today, many Democrats finally began receiving English to Moonbat translations thanks to newly enacted legislation requiring aid for those members with severe mental handicaps. - Mr. Right2. - Cowboy Blob1. TEDDY'S HEADPHONES: "Then her bosom heaved as she emerged from the water unscathed panting, 'Oh, Senator, I seem to be all wet...'" - Damian G

Photoshop Entries

- The Man

'Great Minds' Think AlikeTed: "I got to get Patrick to drive tonite"Patrick: "I got to get Ted to drive tonite"-VBJunkie

Thursday, July 27, 2006

The rumors of Hillary should be put to rest; the proverbial nail in the coffin was unveiled at New York's Museum of Sex. A sculptor named Daniel Edwards created his "Presidential Bust of Hillary Rodham Clinton."

How did the artist get the right measurements for Hillary's Bust?

"It's hard to find many images of her [breasts]," the Connecticut artist tells us. "She usually covers herself up in a professional way. But there are beach photos of her."

Monday, July 24, 2006

Parvin Heydari, an Iranian mother of two, was flipping back and forth between the nightly news and Oprah when a bulletin on an Iranian state channel caught her attention. It urged Iranians to boycott what it called "Zionist products," including those made by Pepsi, Nestlé and Calvin Klein, and warned that profits from such products "are converted into bullets piercing the chests of Lebanese and Palestinian children." As evidence, the voice-over intoned, "Pepsi stands for 'pay each penny to save Israel.'"- Time

The Cola Wars were just a Zionist ploy? It all makes sense. I'm going to stop drinking Coke and switch to Pepsi.

I guess the Iranian kids are going to switch from Pepsi to drinking Kool-aid.

Mark Albertini, a Republican gubernatorial hopeful in Tennessee could use a stiff drink.

Albertini, who has been running a strong campaign against Sen. Jim Bryson for a chance to face Democratic incumbent, Gov. Phil Bredesen, was arrested on public intoxication charges Thursday.

Now, here is Albertini's stance on crime (from his website)

CrimeMark will work to define prison as a place of punishment. Our first priority for criminals should be to punish them and make them pay back their victims and society for their crimes. Mark believes that capital punishment is a strong deterrent to crime and the responsibility of government; he will sanction its use after a thorough evidentiary analysis by the judicial branch. He is amicable to programs that make criminals work to build their own prisons and clean our State under the inmate work program. He will encourage and enforce programs that make inmates pay for their own room and board, their medical care and that restore their victims.

Albertini campaigned on values such as "pro-Biblical marriage", which I assume is where you ask the Roman emperor for permission to marry.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Since it appears that Global Warming is upon us, this website has instituted a recyling program for old posts. The first posts to be recycled are "You are so liberal if..." posts done prior to the 2004 election.

Check these updated YSLs out and add a few of your own in the comments. I will pick some of the best for YSL Part 9.

Next week I'll post YSL - Part IX. If you have suggestions, please post them in the comments below. A "You are so Conservative" series is in the works. If you have some funny suggestions for that one, email me.

Disclaimer: These entries are a joke. You do not have to be liberal to fall under these entries. Not all liberals subscribe to these ideals. If you base your political ideals on a song, celebrity's opinion, bumper sticker, TV show, cartoon, movie, or blog entry you are a moron and should move to Boston (or New Jersey).

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

"The News" reports that a Rhode Island Congressman donned a SpongeBob SquarePants outfit live on C-Span. They used a pseudo name (Kenneth Gurwitch) and a fake story of him doing the stunt to impress a kid to save face for the Kennedy family.

Rhode Island voters took pictures of Pat going blackface to a party with a grain of salt. Even pictures of a woman doing a shot of tequila out of the Kennedy's navel were not enough to keep the voters from reelecting the young Kennedy. The fact is that Patrick Kennedy does not take his job seriously enough to not be caught in these situations. It is as if he finds new (and innovative) ways to embarrass Congress and the state of Rhode Island.

Rhode Island voters should have known that Kennedy was not serious about the job when he showed up for his Official Congressional Photo dressed as a "Fat Elvis".

I really do not know who to be mad at more. Myself for not listening to Al Gore's advice on global warming or Stratton, VT for having an ad in the NY subway that states "Everyday is a snow day".

For those of you who have never been on a Subway in NYC during a heat wave, here's how to experience it without leaving your home.

1) Preheat oven to 400 degrees2) Stick head into oven3) Have 54 other people stick their heads in as well.4) Have one person complain that you are touching them

To have the full effect of the E-train, with homeless people, slow trains, and inaudible announcements, you need to come to New York and see for yourself. Just be sure to pack your biggest golf umbrella in case it rains.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Someday they will really make the All-Star game "mean something". The National League almost did not lose the annual game, one which they have not won since Barry Bonds hit for average and stole bases.

I have provided some rule changes that would make the All-Star game actually mean something:1. If the National League wins, the DH gets taken out of the rule book.2. If the American League wins, the DH gets taken out of the rule book.3. If the game is tied at the end of 9 innings, a shootout occurs.4. All-stars must play without a cup.5. Every inning, all players must chug a Natural Lite and run around the bases.

Enough fluff, let's play ball. I drew Week 15 to recap, since the All-Star break limited the number of games, some of the stats may seem a little low (except for Albert Pujols).

Here's how the scoring works: The stats your team builds up are broken down into 12 groups. For batters, there are runs, homeruns, RBI‚’s, Strike-outs, stolen bases, and batter‚’s average. For Pitching, there are Wins, Saves, Strike-outs, Holds, ERA, and WHIP. Each one of those is a win, a loss, or a tie. So in a given week, you can have any combination of wins, losses, and ties that add up to 12.

Robots Eat Babies - 9Poca Dots Blog! - 2The last time I did one of these recaps, I mentioned that I moved from 15th to 9th place. Well after this victory (something like 23 in a row), I am now in 4th place. This week was a blowout, If Derrick Turnbow (who I went to high school with) had not of blew a save and ran his ERA up, I would have added that category to my tally.MVP - Andruw Jones OF (4R - 2HR - 6RBI)Goat - Mark Buehrle SP (3IP - 7ER- 1K)

RFTR - 6CZC Owns - 4Both of these teams attend the Fantasy Baseball School that teaches you to never touch your team, ever. Between them, only have 5 waiver pickups and zero roster moves. That's why CZC RP Chad Orvella's nice pitching outing did not help CZC since it was for The Durham Bulls. 40% of CZCs pitching staff are on the DL or not in the majors. School's out.MVP - Eddie Guardado RP (3SV - 2K)Goat - Kenny Rogers SP (4IP - 5ER - 11.25 ERA)

Columbia Cardinals - 6webcats - 4If these scores start to look familar, it is because out of the 8 games - 5 had a score of 6-4. In this 6-4 game, the Cardinals swept the pitching while the webcats took most of the batting. The win moved the Cards into 2nd, while webcats fell to 3rd.MVP - Vladimir Guerrero OF (4R - 2HR - 6RBI - .636BA)Goat - Jeff Kent 2B (4K - .083BA)

The Galt-inators - 6Wookies Will Win -3Albert Pujols is to The Wookies as Coke is to Kate Moss. However, the Galtinators have Cliff Floyd and Carlos Beltrán who each hit a grand slam for the NY Mets...in the same inning.MVP - Chipper Jones 3B (5R - 3HR - 7RBI - .615BA)Goat - Tim Hudson SP (3IP - 9H - 5ER)

The PAWs- 6Repubs lost in SD - 4Another 6 to 4 game. Despite having the second worse record, the Repubs managed to make this one close. Their lack of Runs was the only category that the PAWs ran away with.MVP - Andy Pettitte SP (7IP - 0ER - 10K)Goat - Brad Penny SP (10H - 6ER)

According to a story found on 1010WINS, Republican Tom Kean Jr. is "closing the gap" on his rival, Senator Robert Menendez (D-NJ). However the poll numbers cited in the story states Kean leads 40-38 and has in fact, "closed the gap". It should be reported that Menendez is now forced to start "closing the gap" in a solid blue state.

President Bush has been given an invitation to attend the 2006 NAACP convention, which would be akin to The Dixie Chicks being asked to appear at Sean Hannity's Freedom Concert backed up by Kanye West and with an introduction by Cindy Sheehan.

Currently, the AP states that Bush's Wednesday calendar has a "TBD". With only a few days left before the NAACP convention comes to a close, will Bush make an appearance? If not, I'm sure there are a few other events that would be more "Bush-friendly" for him to choose from.

Needless to say, Bush would be walking into a hostile arena with no real possibility of coming out unscathed.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Top Entries10. "It's okay, little guy, Helen Thomas scares me too!" - Pam9. "Sorry Mr. President But Your No Mr. Whipple." - radio free fred8. C'mon, Son, I said every American must do his duty...not *doodie*! - Cowboy Blob7. Heeeeey! They do squeel when you squeeze them. Just like the taxpayers. - Deathlok6. Whoa, that diaper smells slightly better than the Democrat platform! - Cowboy Blob5. Don't look at me! Clinton's the one who got all the action! - Julie L4. Obvious.-The Man

Thursday, July 13, 2006

I signed up for emails from John Kerry and quickly found out that it was the best thing I have ever done. Ever! John Kerry emails provide the humor I need to get through my day. John Kerry is freakin' awesome.

However, I think John Kerry is a closeted Sadomasochist. Let me explain.

November 16, 2005 - I get an email from Kerry detailing 4 Democratic leaders who are influencing the debate about America's future in Iraq. Those 4 "democratic leaders": John Kerry, John Edwards, Tom Daschle, and Patrick Leahy. Less than a year prior, 3/4th of this group lost elections, rejected by the American people.

January 13, 2006 - A fund-raising email from John Kerry details how he failed to block nominations of Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito, and John Roberts to the Supreme Court. The tone of the email went like this: We fought...we lost, send money.

July 13, 2006 - Kerry sent out another fundraising appeal to highlight a year's worth of losses for himself and the Democrats. Which is pretty hard considering how hard the Republicans in Washington are working to lose in 2006.

Someone who wants to know what our johnkerry.com online community fights for will take a look at what you've done and they'll see something powerful.

They'll see that the hundreds of thousands of johnkerry.com activists who called for a filibuster of the Alito nomination were right. Right about what kind of Justice he will turn out to be -- and right that we need Justices who will protect the constitutional rights of Americans.

Alito was sworn in as the 110th Supreme Court Justice on January 31, 2006.

They'll see that the nearly 300,000 people who acted in support of a deadline for withdrawing troops from Iraq and the Kerry-Feingold Amendment were right. Right to insist on a change of course in the Bush administration's failed policies and right to keep the pressure on until the future of Iraq is where it belongs -- in the hands of the Iraqi people.

They'll see that the more than a quarter of a million people who have joined Maria Cantwell and me in defending the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge acted because we had to draw a line of protection around this precious natural heritage, and we had to promote an energy policy worthy of America so we never go to war for oil.

On March 15, 2005, the US Senate rejected Maria Cantwell's amendment, allowing for drilling in ANWR.

Just to prove that he loves to call out disappointmen, check out the request Kerry makes to his "netroots of despair".

Our most crucial work is still ahead of us. We'll have to pour everything we've got into the last four months of these critical 2006 elections. But, today, all I'm asking you to do is stop and reflect on what we've done together already.

Seriously, John Kerry needs help before he attempts Self-Flagellation and sends out an email to tell everyone about it.

I have not picked on AM NY, Newsday's free paper, in a few weeks. I have held back posting about their blatant bias, seemingly lack of editors, and the strange letters they decide to publish until today.

First, they have a story celebrating the Geneva rights coming to Club Gitmo. Yippee.

With some of their stories, the paper likes to add a sometimes relevant quote from a sometimes relevant person. For the Gitmo story, they add a quote from Patrick Leahy a Democratic senator from Vermont. However, the quote actually came from Arlen Specter, a Republican from Pennsylvania. AM NY also lists Leahy as a Republican from Pennsylvania. Leahy a Republican? That is like listing Patrick Kennedy as a pharmacist.

True to the standards of AM NY, the silliness gets better.Later in the paper, AM NY runs a column mocking security measures because "we've had two attacks on U.S. soil from foreign terrorists in decades". Later, the author states that subway rats are more of a "immediate problem" than terrorists.

So who penned this work? A security expert? How about a NY Times Source? No.An "adjunct English professor". Hold the bag checks, an adjunct English professor thinks they are silly. You can bet a few hundred people in Bombay probably disagree with the assertion that terrorism is no big deal.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Our latest dumb criminal comes to us from Long Island, where his stint of robbing ended after he tried to steal money from St. Anthony's Roman Catholic Church in Oceanside. After breaking into the collection boxes and finding them empty, the robber then broke into the church sacristy looking for money.

The robber dropped his identification at the scene and police soon arrested him.

Monday, July 10, 2006

You have to give Zinedine Zidane credit. We have not seen the French put up that much of a fight since Waterloo.Pulling a Zidane - verb - Stabbing someone in the chest instead of the back.example - Russia has been pulling a Zidane on America with it's slimy dealings with Iran and North Korea.