Principle of the Soul: #12 - The Deeper Meaning of Physical Intimacy

It has the potential for intense holiness and intense corruption, depending who's at the helm -- your soul or your ego.

There is something about this topic that sets off firecrackers in people's minds. Ad agencies use sex almost ubiquitously to prey on your pocketbooks -- they tie it together with selling minivans, french fries, mail delivery services, and computers.

What's underneath all this hype is the reality that physical intimacy carries tremendous potential for holiness. One of the greatest sources for holiness can be found during moments of physical intimacy between husband and wife.

Judaism teaches that the intensity of the physical drive is like an arrow pointing to the spiritual.

Judaism teaches that the intensity of the physical drive for intimacy is like an arrow pointing to the spiritual. If the physical side is so intense, on the soul level the potential must be even more so. Likewise, if we destroy the inherent soul experience of intimacy, what is left is something driven purely by the ego. With the possibility of such intense holiness available, nowhere else do we find something containing such potential for corruption and depravity. (Yes, I know it's a bit theatrical, but it's also true.)

SPIRITUAL NATURE OF INTIMACY

Intimacy can spiritually bond two souls on the deepest level. It has the ability to deepen the inherent union of husband and wife, building their relationship in a way that otherwise would be impossible to achieve. It also has the potential for the couple to do something that only God can do: create!

The Talmud explains that there are three partners involved in the creation of a child: man, woman, and God himself. All are instrumental to this creative process.

The secret to unlocking this potential is in the intention that the couple brings to intimacy.

The secret to unlocking this potential is in the intention that the couple brings to intimacy. Their desire must be pure. To transform it into an expression of the soul, they must be other-focused, with the total concentration on connecting to their spouse, making it an experience of pure giving.

Therefore, the Jewish approach to intimacy is that it is a gift and blessing, yes, but is also something more. It is a Divine obligation, a commandment. A must do. It is a responsibility to give to your spouse through intimacy, with the emphasis on getting out of yourself and on giving, to ensure that your spouse will find the experience satisfying.

Physical intimacy rooted in love deepens the couple's relationship, creating a level of closeness that can only be described as complete connection. The bonding between husband and wife is what's key, not just the physical gratification. To ensure this focus, it is against Jewish law for a couple to be intimate if they are caught up in their egos –- angry, frustrated, with their minds elsewhere. Intimacy then moves way beyond satisfying physical urges, it becomes an experience of the body and the soul.

If a couple approaches the blessing of intimacy in this way, their relationship will continue to grow. But if sex becomes just another experience of the ego, it will ultimately lead to a relationship's destruction.

The momentary experience of pleasure will be followed by subtle pangs of emptiness. Replacing the possibility of such spiritual connection with an experience of selfishness produces a sense of shame. Intimacy then becomes cold and degrading, leading the couple farther apart, not closer together.

SHAME IN THE GARDEN

Remember that in the story of the Garden of Eden, at first Adam and Eve were naked and completely comfortable. It wasn't because they didn't know about physical intimacy -- it was the opposite. However, at that point intimacy was for them an experience of pure giving. After they ate from the fruit, they suddenly realized they were naked, and in their shame, they covered themselves.

What happened?

The Nefesh HaChaim explains that before they ate from the fruit, the ego was not yet a part of their personality. With the eating of the fruit came the ego. For the first time Adam and Eve looked at each other and thought only what they could take from each other. That's when they felt shame.

If a couple's intimacy is dominated by selfishness, the ego is overtaking their relationship.

If a couple's intimacy is dominated by selfishness -- i.e. it is something used only fulfill their own physical urges -- the ego is overtaking their relationship. Over time intimacy itself will become less and less pleasurable until it dies out all together.

It's no accident that intimacy of this sort becomes less and less fulfilling. Humanity has been wired up this way. You could replace all the sex therapists and books with the following principle: If you focus on giving, on bringing fulfillment to your spouse, you and your spouse will be fulfilled. If you focus only on your own fulfillment, you will spend a lot of time reading books and seeing therapists about the subject.

Make sure intimacy is an expression of giving and connection, and watch your marriage grow.

About the Author

Visitor Comments: 2

(2)
Lyone,
December 3, 2013 6:32 AM

Even More

I really like this article, but I feel that there is something important that it leaves out.

Most of the time, we live life as separate people, with separate identities, and separate tasks, etc. But part of what makes sexual intimacy so special, and potentially sacred, is that it is an opportunity to achieve a higher union with our spouse.

This is what can happen if we truly leave our egos aside, and we prepare for intimacy with the right frame of mind. Our physical coming together can be the occasion for rejoining the two souls that were separated from one another back when our b'sheret(s) began their long journey in search of each other.

There can be a mystical aspect to physical intimacy that brings our souls closer to one another, and our marriage closer to Hashem.

(1)
Anonymous,
August 20, 2000 12:00 AM

one thing left out

I feel that itimacy is the one thing a person can give to another that no one else can ever have. If I save this for my marriage it is the only thing I can give that no one else can have. We learn together and grow together.

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I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

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