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Al-Anon Family Group
Message Board

The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.

I came to alanon due to my 21 year old daughter's struggle with alcoholism/drug addiction. She is doing so well now, of course one day at a time :) The program tells us to focus on us which I have done and have been using the alanon tools in other areas of my life too. Recently I talked to my one brother about visiting my mother and father who alot of you know are ill and who moved closer to me this summer so I can help them out. My other brother disowned all of us over 3 years ago and never said why :( Well, this one brother who lives in NJ said he would visit them if they still lived in AZ because it was cheaper to fly there. MY mouth dropped opened! I bit my tongue and didn't engage into what I really wanted to say to him. I just mentioned that if he waited that maybe mom with alzheimers wouldn't know him by the time he finally saw them. Just an update here.

I am also living with an adult child of an alcoholic who went through the ACOA therapy years ago for a year. I was involved in the spouse group. I spent 26 years of my marriage spending my time and holidays with his dysfunctional family. His alcoholic father died in 1991 at which time things became more relaxed. None of his siblings believes his father was an alcoholic either. My husband has truly become his father! He is a very angry unhappy person who chooses not to get help. He has however gotten alot of counseling (marriage) over the years.I have used my alanon detatching with love tools for a long time now and am able to maintain calm in my life and not engage with him when he tries to get his rage out on me.

I have been under so much stress with my ill parents and my own health problems that I actually feel like I hate him lately!! I know I do love him and want my marriage to work out. This detatching stuff gets exhausting at times. Or maybe it is the things he says that cut me down and belittle me. I do know it is about him and not me.

When I go visit my parents I see how much love is between them. I did not grow up with a dad that treated his wife poorly. I want what they have. I am so relaxed at their house and there is no tension there.

My recoverying alcoholic daughter told me yesterday that she is like her dad. I did not know that. She feels such anger and goes into rages at her boyfriend. Her boyfriend said he thinks she learned it from her dad. She says she understands how her dad feels when a person gets such intense feelings. It is so nice now that she and I can talk but I do have boundaries where I do not talk to her about my marital problems.

I know it is not my fault my daughter is like this as my mind wants to put the blame on me for not leaving him years ago. I know alcoholism is a disease and she was born with the disease.

I am seeing where I need to get a backbone and start to communicate my boundaries with my husband about what I will and will not accept. I have abandonment problems that I am working on with my psychologist. So much of the past 5 years has been on the drama and upset with our daughter. My psychologist feels my husband is depressed too. I have been doing more for me and going out with friends and taking care of me. This cannot be the whole picture though. I think My HP is telling me now it is time to get a backbone with the rageaholic and angerholic. He is not an alcoholic but has dry drunk behavior.

I am just wanting to hear ESH from anyone that can relate to this part of my recovery. Are my prayers to God useless by wanting my marriage to work out? Is the detatching with love just a survival tool? He just turned 50 but to me that is no excuse either. I am just thinking enough is enough. AS usual, just talking out loud LOL.

(((((((((cdb))))))))))) im sorry for what you are going through. i know all about living with the rage. i knew i had to make those posts for a reason. glad you got something out of them. i realized how sick i really am. i cant answer you if the prayers are worth it, although i pray more then once a day for the man i fell in love with to come back. ty so much for your support you are a great friend. im praying for you to see what you need to do. and for your family too. im glad to here your daughter is still in recovery. keep taking care of you, you sound like you're doing well. i too have abandonment issues and have no idea where to begin to deal with them. maybe you can send me some esh on what you have learned. love ya girl.

__________________

stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it

Thanks for your reply nsn. As far as abandonment issues, I have had alot of therapy on that. I guess I have learned to parent myself now and rely on me to take care of me. I also believe that knowledge is power and just knowing that I can parent myself gave me alot of power. It amazes me though how clueless my husband is about the things he says to me and how he acts. That is why I mention a backbone. I think I am just going to have to start talking to him when he says things with I messages and pointing out what he is doing or saying. He has no idea today why I have been distancing myself from him. Go figure? Sounds like a type of sickness to me too. I also have been expereincing more abandonment feelings knowing how sick my parents are and that my mom's mind is slowly dying. That is where good friends and a good support sytem comes in handy. Thanks again for your posts! (((((((((nsn)))))))) cdb

wow cdb, look at the progress you have made!!! I am so very proud of you. Your posts before were all about everying else. I actually am very impressed.

I am sorry to hear about your parents. It is so very, very hard. But ya know it is wonderful they are so close to you.

I was thinking today how this time with my Gma is so very precious. Even though it isscarey, I have not felt this close to her since i was a child. I always loved her, but it is so neat to take care of her.

I got her two great comfy dresses and 3 warm nightgowns. You would have thought I gave her the moon. Yes they were from Goodwill but very nice.

So I know you appreciate this time with your parents. Your brother is the loser. Good for you, for not trying to control him or put a guilt trip on him. You would have comd out on the meany end you know?

Ya know I believe you have a backbone already just to consider making boundaries is a big step.

I know how you feel about things. Be sure you won't get tore apart by the bs the A will come up with.

It is important that we love our self enough that when the A or anyone spews crap about us, well about our bodies or face, uno what i mean, that we can say, That is your problem, I like me.

That is one thing I don't have to hear. My A has NEVER attacked me about my body, never has attacked my person. If he did, I would not love him anymore. That is a biggy for me.

yes I would love to see a post from you that you voiced your boundaries and stuck to them.

I am working in my mind how to put up a boundary too. hey it can be as simple as, that same old line, if you don't have anything nice to say, be quiet. The trouble is when they are using they don't care.

I suppose then you must have a consequence for the behavior.

If he gets mean, immediately go get your keys and have a plan set up for you to go to.

I am ready to tell A here if he wants to be around me at all, he better never say anything bad about me again. He better not say anything.

Wait this was about you not ME!!! lol lol smoink smoink

seriously i wonder if you realize how different you sound. so cool.

hugs to you and family. love,debilyn who somehow needs to practice what she preaches......

Well, you are praying for your marriage to work out. I think that prayer does not work this way. We do not tell God what we want, like ordering off a menu.

I am not usually a person who advocates prayer as the answer to a problem. But, you are doing all the other things - therapy, alanon, marriage counselling . . . And none of it seems to be working. Maybe it is time to ask God what he wants you to do. Maybe the fact that none of these things are helping is a sign that you are not meant to be in this marriage. I don't know what the answer will be, but I thnk it might be time for you to silence your inner voice for a bit, that is telling you what you ought to do, what you ought to want, and listen, instead.

I've read your other posts about your rageaholic a husband. My mom and former supervisor were both rageaholics. To me, it always felt like abuse. It became harder and harder to take care of myself in these situations. I did set boundaries but they were not respected. I'm praying for the highest good of all concerned in your situation. That covers a lot of territory. Please keep us posted.

for not leaving him years ago. I know alcoholism is a disease and she was born with the disease."

((((((( cdb ))))))

You did not cause this... I doubt it would have mattered, she would have turned out the same. Our personalities are developed, our "ids" by age 3 ~ don't blame yourself or rather do not try to take on this as a responsibility.

I too have suffered thru abandonment issues... truth be told, I was abandonning myself. Well not anymore, I will love others but not at that cost to me ~ ever again! I have changed.

I can certainly relate to feeling resentment about having to deal with an A's parents. My boyfriend's mother is incredibly narcissistic and difficult to be around. I have had a lot of realizatons about my boyfriend's wanting me to be around her. For starters he and his brother smoke dope when they are togther (the brother lives with the mother). If I am around I babysit the mother and they can just smoke dope. I felt incredibly used when I realized this was about the only reason he took me over there. I also felt used that he does not have an understanding she is incredibly difficult to be around, her narcissism is all consuming. I have to say I did not do that to anyone. I did not expect any one to deal with my family of origin. I certainly had my family of origin come over but I did not submit anyone to them. My boyfriend spends every holiday with them or dealing with them and it totally over rides any celebrations for the two of us as a couple. He is dealing with the after effects of smoking dope with his brother most of the holiday. So I do resent them deeply. And I can understand that if you are dealing with your own parents you do not want to take on someone else's parents either.

I have not been to a holiday celebration with my boyfriend for about 3 years now and that is helpful to just give up on it. I also do not engage his mother and have basically just given up on the relationship. What I have to do is stay out of what he does with them. Its his choice that he spends the holidays with them. I can give up grieving that he does not want to spend the holidays with me after all he is totally enmeshed with them.

I think for me when the drama faded in my life I got really serious about boundaries. Go gently with yourself on them. Boundaries are complicated stuff. The more I focus on them the more complicated I find them. I do find that they are very very helpful in setting limits. I do set limits now early in new relatonships. If someone blurs a boundary I know it. Before I knew it like 10 years later.

Exploring boundaries both internal and external is hard work.

How is your self care. If you are exhausted. And I know that caring for elderly parents is exhausting are you giving yourself space around that. I say that because exhaustion was one of the things that led to my physical health collapsing many times. Are you getting rest and relaxation?

I know for me dealing with my siblings has always been difficult because I had an idealized sense that one day they would come to me and be able to be honest about our childhood. That has not happened and we are all middle aged now. I do not rule it out but it has not happened yet. I had to let go of that idealized image.

My sibling issues came up a lot with my boyfriend and the way he is around his friends. I had a lot of sibling rivalry stuff come up from my childhood about that. There was tremendous jealousy and envy in my family of origin because my elder sister was treated as the hero who did nothing wrong. There were times when the way my boyfriend behaved with one of his friends (spending inordinate amounts of time wiht them) that echoed the way my mother behaved with my older sister. It was incredibly painful for me to look at and deal with.

So I am not suprized that your sibling issues reappeared. They do at different times and the opportunity is there to work on them. I am grateful I had the chance to work on those envy/jealousy issues because they were certainly getting in the way in many areas of my life. I am also grateful to work on the over responsible stuff because that was something I was asked to assume as a child and I have had to discard as an adult.

Saying NO has been hard for me. Lately I have been willing to admit to being exhausted emotionally. This last year took its toll on me. I have had a lot to deal with. I choose right now not to take much on because I am recuperating from that and taking lots of rest.

Dealing with parents who are elderly is a lot to take on. I hope you can practice saying no whether it is to your daughter or your husband. If you are in these rooms you can ask for support, feedback and understanding and know that you will not be good at saying no in the beginning but eventually it does get easier to say No and mean it and create that personal space for yourself where you can recoup and rejuvenate yourself.

I have alot to think about. Self love as kitty talks of is something I am working on. I know I put that on the back burner when I was raising the kids and then getting caught up in the drama of the alcoholic. As far as praying for certain things, that is new to me too lin. I have heard different ministers say different things about how to pray and what to pray for. I appreciate how debilyn praised me for finally focusing on me LOL. You have been trying to get me to do that for a long long time and now that I am doing it, it is hard to feel safe posting about it here. I am working on that too. I always hope my posts will not only help me but may help others too somehow. That is why I open up so much and am so vulnerable with my life and feelings. Maresie, you sure have alot to share and thanks for all the ESH experience, strength and hope you gave me. It is my brothers loss(both of them) and I do need to take care of me and not get so exhausted that I can't even function. You have sure been through alot yourself maresie. I wish you the best in your journey too! Thank you for your reply and prayers Waking up. I sure can use them! I do believe in prayer and miracles in progress. I do agree I need to be still and quiet and listen to my HP too. Boundaries are sure where I am at now. AFterall, boundaries are for us and I do plan on taking care of me. No one deserves to be abused! I have been and will continue to keep myself safe! In HPs timing is what is happening in my life. cdb19 xoxoxoxoxoxo

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