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Defining Success for Myself

My concerns with an extreme parenting approach are two-fold. The first is that it forces children to strive to meet their parents' preferences and goals -- without knowing why they are doing what they do. Second, extreme parenting seems to embrace a very narrow definition of what success means. My own experience illustrates both points.

I started to excel when I had to make more of my own choices.

I was raised in Shanghai for the first 13 years of my life in a strict, traditional Chinese way in which parents know best. My father, a tough disciplinarian, forced me to practice Chinese calligraphy and expected me to get top grades. He punished me by deducting my play time when my performance was subpar. Since I didn't understand why it was so important to perfect my brush strokes or get As, I spent much of my energy trying to figure out ways to do the bare minimum. For most of my childhood, I was at best a B student with mediocre calligraphic ability.

Everything changed when we immigrated to America. My parents left behind a comfortable life to give me the opportunity for a better future. We were suddenly poor, and to make ends meet, my parents worked menial jobs. With their heavy work schedules and limited English ability, I had to make more of my own choices.

I soon realized that being a good student helped me make friends. Even though I was poor, people respected me when I did well in school. This motivated me from within to excel like never before. I worked hard, memorizing 50 vocabulary words a day for an entire summer and watching “Days of Our Lives” to learn English. I became captain of my high school math team, earned two bachelors degrees from M.I.T. in four years, graduated from Berkeley Law School and worked for two preeminent law firms.

At the time, my ideas about success were limited to conventional definitions. I was driven by wanting to make my parents proud, even though they never made me feel that I owed them for their sacrifice. I now realize that I had internalized their desire for financial security and equated success with gaining professional prestige. I assumed that a career in medicine or law was more valuable than a career in a creative or an entrepreneurial field. When choosing extracurricular activities, schools and jobs, I aimed to get as many credentials as possible. I became stuck on a StairMaster of life, steadily tracking along an upward career trajectory but finding no fulfillment.

Before I quit my job in corporate law, I discussed, with some trepidation, my thoughts with my father. To my surprise, he full-heartedly supported my decision. The better future he envisioned for me when we moved to America included the choice to do what makes me happy – whether it was what he would choose, conventional success or something else.