Guidance Counseling: Blowfly

What do the Predator, Godzilla and George W. Bush have in common? They’re all going to get F’ed by Clarence “Blowfly” Reid if he has his way. Blowfly, who may have actually invented rap music, is still one of the genre’s filthiest spitters at the ripe age of 73, with x-rated versions of everything from “Sitting on the Dock of the Bay” to a Sesame Street-inspired alphabet song. He was also a songwriting machine in Miami’s soul heyday (penning hits for KC & the Sunshine Band, among others) and it’s worth a viewing of Jonathan Furmanski’s documentary, The Weird World of Blowfly, to find out how deep the Blowfly hole really goes. Blowfly and band will be stopping at Siberia on February 2nd; in the meantime, catch some wisdom from one dirty old man.

One of my friends is having a very public divorce on Facebook and it’s very awkward. But it’s like one of those car wrecks you can’t look away from either, so I haven’t unsubscribed from their posts. So I feel guilty about that, too. What should I do?

The reason your friend is getting so public about it is because that person needs some ass—and so does their spouse. They used to hate fuck each other in bed and now they are doing it on Facebook, and turning you into a freaky peeping tom. So they need a real friend like you to take them out, get them drunk and convince them to fuck each other one last time in the alley behind the bar to get it over with—while you videotape them from the dumpster. Then, when they renew their vows two weeks later in front of an Elvis impersonator, give them the video as a wedding present. Just be sure to clean it off first, you freak.

My younger sister is about to have her third kid, while I’m still living the oh-so glamorous single life (in my 30s, I should add). And while my family has been pretty polite about that, over the holidays they did say a few things that suggested they were disappointed in me. Naturally, that’s made me feel pretty miserable about my situation, even though I’m mostly happy about my decisions. Is there something I can tell my family to get them off my back?

This is something Blowfly knows all about. I got all kinds of shit from my family about my nasty records, until I reminded them that those nasty records paid for the mortgage on the house! Tell them to eat Fidel Castro’s Dick Flow! If you are happy, that’s all that matters. If your sister wants to have 10 kids and live in a shoe, that’s fine. In 15 years, when your nephews get busted for panty raiding Tulane sororities and need you to bail them out, you’ll have the money to do it. You also probably have enough money to put your family in a home, so even if they are offended when you tell them to eat communist dictator dick, they’ll forgive you quick.

I was just promoted at my job. Hooray, right? But it’s put me in charge of everyone I used to work with, and I’m finding it hard to actually manage them. They don’t take me seriously and I need to put my foot down. How can I get everyone in line?

You need to get yourself a Piranha fish and put the tank right in front of the employee bathroom. Next time someone gives you any shit, tell them they can either get fired or have oral sex with the Piranha fish! If they don’t take that seriously, put the Piranha fish in the toilet bowl. I’ll bet that gets their attention quick!