Monday, June 25, 2012

I was sitting with some of the guys discussing wives and girlfriends.
(Is there any other topic when men and booze get together?)

One of the guys, the perennial bachelor in our group had a list of prerequisites that he looks for in The Perfect Girl.

Perennial Bachelor: "She needs to be beautiful, intelligent, gentle, thoughtful, innocent, trustworthy and sensible."
YT: "Wow. You rattled that off pretty quickly. Been working on that list for awhile, eh?"
Bachelor: "Yeah."
YT: "Well, you're setting the bar pretty high with that list...
Mind if I blog that? I won't mention your name, because, you know, they'll kill you you sexist pig."
PB: "You have no idea."

I've not been in too many meetings lately, but I have sat through quite a few in my sordid past.
Once thing that always makes me tune out is when an individual takes the floor and begins to spout MBA/SixSigma/Marketroid-speak.
As soon as I hear more than two of these terms by the same speaker I assume the meeting is going to be nothing more than a WOMBAT...
It usually means that some number of people are looking for some reason to be noticed by the big boss or upper management so they schedule a "planning session" or a "next steps meeting" or some other crap in order to hear themselves flap their gums...

Nothing of import ever comes out of these confabs and as a rule at least two more meetings will need to be held in order to actually do some work or make real decisions.
The bad part is that they hold these meetings, and when someone who actually knows what's going on tries to bring some sanity or a reality check to the proceedings, they get tagged as a non-team-player, or even worse- a monkey wrench...
(Yeah- I'm a monkey wrench- I really torque the nuts.)

Next time you're sitting in a roomful of people that are as a rule wasting oxygen, listen for these buzzwords...1. It’s a paradigm shift = I don’t know what’s going on in our business. But we’re not making as much money as we used to.

2. We’re data-driven = We try not to make decisions by the seat of our pants. When possible, we try to base them in facts.

3. We need to wrap our heads around this = Gosh, I never thought of that. We need to discuss that….

4. It’s a win-win = Hey, we both get something out of this (even though I’m really trying to get the best from you)

5. ROI [used in any sentence] = Look at me, I’m very financially-minded, even if I never took any finance classes in school

6. Let’s blue sky this/let’s ballpark this = Let’s shoot around a bunch of ideas since we have no clue what to do

7. I’m a bit of a visionary = I’m a bit of an egomaniac and narcissist

8. I’m a team player/we only hire team players = I hope everyone on the team thinks this is a meritocracy, even though I’m the dictator in charge

9. Let’s circle back to that/Let’s put that in the parking lot/let’s touch base on that later/let’s take this off-line = Shut up and let’s go back to what I was talking about

10. We think outside the box here/color outside the lines = We wouldn’t know about how to do something innovative if it came up to us and bit us in the behind11. I/we/you don’t have the bandwidth = Since we cut 60% of our headcount, we’re all doing the job of 3 people, so we’re all burned out

12. This is where the rubber meets the road = Don’t screw up

13. Net net/the net of it is/when you net it out = I never studied finance or accounting but I sound like someone who can make money if I keep talking about another word for profit

14. We’ll go back and sharpen our pencils = We’ll go back and offer you the same for 20% less in hopes you’ll buy it before the end of the quarter

15. It’s like the book “Crossing the Chasm”/”Blue Ocean”/”Good To Great” / “Tipping Point” / “Outliers” = I’ve never read any of these books but I sound literate if I quote from them. And, besides, you cretins probably never read them either to call me out on it

16. Let’s right-size it = Let’s whack/fire a bunch of people

17. It’s next-gen/turn-key/plug-and-play = I want it to sound so technical that you’ll just buy it without asking me any questions

18. We need to manage the optics of this = How can we lie about this in a way people will believe?19. This is creative destruction = I’ve never read Joseph Schumpeter but our core business is getting killed so it’s your responsibility to come up with a new product the market will buy

20. We don’t have enough boots on the ground = I don’t want to be fired for this disastrous product/country launch, so I’m going to sound tough referring to the military and say I don’t have enough resources

21. Deal with it = Tough cookies

22. By way of housekeeping = This makes the boring stuff I’m about to say sound more official

23. That’s the $64,000 question [sometimes, due to inflation, people will denominate this cliche in millions or billions of dollars] = I don’t know either

24. Let’s square the circle = I’m someone who can unify two team members’ views and sound important

25. It’s our cash cow/protect/milk the cash cow = If that business goes south, we’re all out of a job

26. It’s about synergies/1 + 1 = 3 = I don’t get the math either, but it sounds like more and more is better, right?

27. Who’s going to step up to the plate? = One of you is going to do this and it’s not going to be me

28. We’re eating our own dog food = It sounds gross but we seem like honest folks if we do this.

29. We need to monetize/strategize/analyze/incentivize = When in doubt, stick “-ize” on the end of a word and say we’ve got to do this and 9 out of 10 times, it will sound action-oriented.

30. We did a Five Forces/SWOT analysis/Value Chain analysis = We didn’t really do any of that, but none of you probably even remember Michael Porter, so what the heck

31. It was a perfect storm = We really screwed up but we’re going to blame a bunch of factors that are out of our hands (especially weather)

32. At the end of the day…. = OK, enough talking back and forth, we’re going to do what I want to do

33. Who’s got the ‘R’? [i.e., responsibility to do what we just spent 20 minutes talking about aimlessly] = If I ask the question, it won’t be assigned to me

34. Let’s put lipstick on this pig = plug your nose

35. I’m putting a stake in the ground here… = I’m a leader, simply because I’m using this cliche

36. We’re customer-focused/proactive/results-oriented = That can’t be bad, right? This is motherhood and apple pie stuff

37. Our visibility into the quarter is a little fuzzy = Sales just fell off a cliff

38. That’s not our core competency/we’re sticking to our knitting = We’re just glad we’re making money in one business, because we’d have no clue how to get into any other business

39. Well, we’re facing some headwinds there = You put your finger on the area we’re panicking over

40. It’s a one-off = Do whatever they want to close the sale41. Incent it = That’s not a verb but I just made it into one because I’m a man/woman of action

42. I’m an agent of change = This makes it sound like I know how to handle the chaos that our business is constantly going through 43. We’ve got to do a little more due diligence there = Don’t have a clue but does that legal term make me sound detail-oriented?

44. Don’t leave money on the table = Be as greedy with them as possible 45. We take a “ready, fire, aim” approach here = We totally operate on a seat-of-the-pants basis

46. Hope is not a strategy = I don’t have a strategy, but this makes it sound like I’m above people who also don’t have a strategy47. We have to tear down the silos internally = Our organizational structure is such a mess that I’m going to be under-mined by other departments at every turn

48. I don’t think it will move the needle = This won’t get my boss excited

49. Good to put a face to the name = I’d really rather talk to that person behind you

50. Let’s take the 30,000 foot view… = I like to think I see the big picture

51. It’s the old 80-20 rule = I really have no idea what the rule was, but I just want to focus on the things that will make us successful

52. We need to manage expectations = Get ready to start sucking up to people53. It’s not actionable enough/what’s the deliverable? = You guys do the work on refining the idea. I’m too tired.54. My 2 cents is… = This opinion is worth a heck of a lot more than 2 cents

55. I’m going to sound like a broken record here… = I want to clearly point out to you idiots that I’ve made this point several times before56. We’ve got too many chiefs and not enough Indians = I want to be the Chief

57. Going forward = Don’t screw up like this again

58. My people know I’ve got an open door policy = I’ve told my direct reports to come to me if they have a problem, so why should I feel bad if they complain I’m too busy to talk to them?

59. It’s gone viral = Someone sent a tweet about this

60. I know you’ve been burning the candle on both ends = Get ready to do some more

61. It’s scalable = We can sell a lot of it in theory

62. It’s best-of-breed = We hired a market research firm to say that

63. We’re all about value-add = Unlike our competitors who seek to add no value

65. I’m drinking from a fire hose right now = I want a little sympathy over here, because I’m tired of carrying this company on my back66. We’re getting some push back = They’re not buying it67. We need to do a level-set = I’ve never been inside a Home Depot, but this phrase makes me sound handy

68. It’s basic blocking and tackling = How could you screw this up? I also played high school football and those were the best days of my life.

69. Let’s put our game faces on = Get serious, guys

70. We’ve got it covered from soup to nuts = I have no idea what that means, but don’t you dare question my prep work on it

71. We don’t want to get thrown under the bus = So let’s throw someone else first

72. But to close the loop on this… = Always the more theoretical Business Development/Strategy guys who say this, so they can sound thorough

73. What are “next steps”? = Did anyone take notes during the last 90 minutes of this meeting?

74. This is low-hanging fruit = Get this done quickly

75. We need a few quick wins = We’ve got to trick people into thinking we know what we’re doing by some successes we can point to and claim as ours76. It’s a [Insert Company Name] killer = Did I get your attention yet with the Freddy Kreuger imagery associated with the company who’s currently eating our lunch?

77. I want to address the elephant in the room = I know you think I’m trying to cover up/gloss over something, so I might as well talk about it

78. This is the next big thing/new thing = Some of our 20-somethings have told me this is really cool

79. This time it’s different because… = Don’t wait for the explanation… simply run for the hills.

80. What are the best practices on this? = How can I cover my behind that we’re just doing stuff the way other good people have supposedly done this?

81. This is our deliverable = I know this sounds like something that comes in a body bag, but it makes our PowerPoint sound tougher than it actually is

82. We’ll loop you in when we need to = You’re not that important to know about all the details on this

83. We want this to move up and to the right = I failed high school algebra but someone said this means we’ll be making a lot of money if this happens

84. We’re going through a re-org = No one knows what the heck is going on at the moment

85. We’ve got to increase our mind-share with the customer = I think I would have been happier as a doctor doing lobotomies than in marketing as a career path

86. I don’t think you’re comparing apples to apples = Let me tell you how you should really think about this issue

87. Let’s peel back the onion on this = I want to sound thorough so this is a better way of telling you that than simply clearing my throat 88. You phoned it in = I was too busy checking my email during your presentation that I didn’t listen

89. I want you to run with this = I just threw you into the deep end of the pool and you’re on your own to figure it out

By the way- if you memorize all of these, congratulations - you are now the possessor of a Florida State University MBA degree.
Print this out and present it Caryn Beck-Dudly in Tallahassee for your diploma.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The guy in front of me was purchasing (not kidding) condoms and Listerine mouthwash.

"Don't judge me." he said, in not so many words.

I normally don't comment on other people's purchases.
(A guy who buys Marshmallow Peeps, rum, and 9mm ammo in one purchase shouldn't throw stones.)
But, since he initiated the dialog, I figured I'd join in.
"Strange times we're living in... Even condoms can't guarantee safe sex anymore."
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"A buddy of mine was wearing one when he was shot by his girlfriend's husband."

The Woman Who Knows Most Things and Yours Truly were discussing aberrations in the English language...

TWWKMT: "It's odd that some many things that are bad for women start with men."
YT: "How so?"
TWWKMT: "MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdowns...and if we do a little creative spelling... HISterectomys."
YT: "Well... To be fair, keep in mind HERnias, HERpes, and using your spelling logic, HERricanes are a real bite in the ass..."

Signs do nothing to stop a criminal. The law abiding tend to follow
them. What this means is at the very time someone with ill intent enters
to do harm, the very people you need to be armed, aren’t. If
signs against objects worked, why not simply change them to say “No
crime is permitted”. That way, the law abiding can remain within the
bounds of your rules while not putting them at the mercy of the
criminal?(emphasis mine- TBG)

Anyone on their way into London (Heathrow) should keep an eye out for a bit of Brit jingoism...

Click on pic for source article

The UK is really starting to get into the Spirit of the Games...

"It
will be visible to passengers in the run up to the Games, including
July 16 which is the date when most of the competing athletes will arrive
into London.Measuring 53 by 75 metres (173ft x 246ft) the image is bigger than 15 tennis courts."

Yours Truly wonders how long until some enterprising graffiti artist (Banksy?) gives her a makeover...

Dropping off the rental was uneventful, as was check-in and clearing security.
I even used my Nexus card for ID and the Testicle Squeezer took it without protest.
Damn.

The flight to LA was short, and the only hitch was that I had to change terminals at LAX over to the mini-International terminal.
I cleared security there with a minimum of fuss and was tucking into a Bloody Mary at Wolfgang Puck's restaurant and watching the Masters on the TV in the bar until it was time to head to my gate.
That's when the wheels wings fell off...

The flight was at 2:xx- we boarded the flight and all was well until the door closed.
There was a long delay before the safety briefing-
and finally the overhead crackled to life:

"This is the captain, yadda yadda, yadda - equipment difficulties- working on it, we'll be underway as soon as possible."

10 more minutes.

"This is the captain, still having problems, thanks for your patience. Go ahead and use your cell phones and small electronic devices."
That's never a good sign.

I got to wondering about "small electronic devices"...
If they are so dangerous to have on during takeoff, why are we even allowed to have them? I mean, in the interest of public safety and homeland security, what's to keep 5 Radical Islamic Terrorists Islamic Freedom Fighters from each bringing 7 or 8 cell phones on a flight and powering them up during roll-out?
Would that endanger the flight?
Just wondering.

20 minutes later.

"Well folks, we're still working on our problem, but we know you're kind of uncomfortable back there and there are a bunch of you that are worried about your connections in Vancouver, so we're going to deplane and left you guys see about rebookings and such. Please don't leave the gate area in case we get things fixed."

Fuck.

Oh well.

There was a long line of folks trying to rebook connections. Me, not so much.
I just needed to get to Vancouver sometime today.

After another 30 minutes there was an announcement.
Basically, our plane was DOA. They were unloading baggage and towing it off.
There was another flight due in at 8:00pm tonight, and they were going to send us back to Vancouver in that plane.

Lovely.

So...
Here's a 10 dollar lunch voucher. Don't spend it all in one place, and be back to the gate by 7:30.

So my 2 hour layover became a 12 hour layover...
I sat through a bartender shift change at Puck's, and got to watch Bubba Watson win the playoff for his Master's victory.

One good thing- with the different folks bailing on our flight, I did get a seat change- I got my coveted bulkhead aisle seat... Ah, sweet legroom...

Not so sweet: I got to my hotel after 1am and found that I didn't check my itinerary as well as I should have... The agent made my flight arrangement - but not my hotel reservation. Oops.
Fortunately I have enough status that they were able to accommodate me without issue.

So... very little sleep, $150 and one lockblade poorer due to Office Motherfucker and his bullshit, 2 flights and 11 hours of airport boredom.
One of these days I'll get or qualify for executive lounge status...but I won't hold my breath.

Yesterday was one bite in the ass after another...
Need to get from San Jose to Vancouver- the most expedient is a flight via LAX. Early.
With a 2 hour layover in LA.
But... (There's always a but, eh?)
I need to leave some equipment at the arena in SJ before I go.
It was a late night at the Kings/Sharks, I get back to hotel and pack for OMG:30 departure, get a pitiful amount of sleep, then go to the arena and wake up the security guard and drop off the package.
I head back to the curb to my rental and one of local SJ cops is there, checking out my rental Chrysler.

OMF: "You just stand over there; as a matter of fact- hands on the hood, feet apart."
Really? Why don't you just prone me out and cuff me?

YT assumes "The Position"

OMF retrieves the RA looks at it, my license & insurance card.

OMF: "Don't move. You stay right there."
He goes back to his car, presumably to radio in a check on my license and the car.

I do my absolute best to be perfectly still... Not giving this guy a reason to do anything. I don't know what has set him off but he's got a bee in his bonnet and the last time I was in a predicament like this I spent the weekend in jail in Daytona Beach with the (very drunk) California Raisins.

He returns to the car, clipboard in hand.
Splendid. A ticket is in the offing, no doubt.

OMF: "Sir, are there any contraband, drugs, weapons, or other illegal items in your vehicle?"

YT: "Not to my knowledge, sir."
(Accurate, but vague, I know, but it is really the only appropriate answer, given that it is a rental and was valet parked at the hotel the night before.)

OMF: "You being funny? 'Not to my knowledge'"?

YT: "No sir. This is a rental car, and it was valet parked last night. I had no control over it for the last 6 hours..." I explained.

OMF: "Well then, why don't we search your car?"

Normally I try not to poke the dragon with 4th Amendment issues, and as irritating as this was, and as dangerous a position I was possibly putting myself, I really didn't feel like rolling over on this. After all, it's the TSA's job to make me feel violated and criminal-like.

YT: "Mind sharing your 'reasonable suspicion' with me?"

OMF: "Well, Mr. Not To My Knowledge, your suspicious answers to my routine questions are all I need. Now, do you consent to a search? Or do I need to detain you here while I get a court order, and call in all the drug dogs and forensics teams?"

Wow. This is getting out of hand.

YT: "Keys are in my pocket- search away."

He finds my bags in the trunk-
OMF: "You going somewhere?"

YT: "Yep. I have a flight to LA later this morning."

OMF: "Yeah, well, we'll see about that."

35 minutes later my tool bag is emptied out, all contents scattered over the inside trunk of the car- my clothes bag is open and most of the clothes pulled out, and the contents of my computer bag are strewn all over the hood of the car.

He has questioned me regarding why I have 30 or so single mode fiber jumpers in various lengths in my tool bag, what a Multidyne 1500 transceiver is, why I have a commercial-grade green laser in my computer bag, and the pièce de résistance, my S&W lockblade.

When he pulled it out of my tool kit and eyed it like he'd found a small rattlesnake hiding in there, I knew we'd be having a chat.

OMF: "We're going to have to have to talk about this... You said there were no weapons in your vehicle."

YT: "Not a weapon, it's a tool."

OMF: "I have to disagree. It's a weapon."

YT: "Where did you find it? In my TOOLKIT?"

OMF looks at me like one would appraise an offending cheese...

Now, the last thing I want to do is give him a reason to continue to fuck with me, but after the first 3 minutes of interaction I knew the deal here- OMF is pissed that he's working Easter Morning and he wants to take it out on someone.
And knowing the mentality of a large majority of police offices, they tend to be controlmongers... Any opportunity to exercise control and power over someone gives them a stiffy.
And this guy would just probably just love to make me miss my flight.

He meanders back to his car and sits in the air conditioning and fills out some paperwork.

He returns several minutes later-

OMF: "I have some presents for you."
Gives me the clipboard.
OMF: "The first one is a ticket for improper parking and second is for violating a traffic control device."

What. The. Fuck.

OMF: "The traffic control device is that sign over there that says 'No Stopping or Standing', in case you were wondering."

He flips through my tickets.

OMF: "This is a receipt for your WEAPON. I'm confiscating it in the interest of public safety. You can file a petition to get it back at the San Jose County Courthouse.
You can schedule a hearing with the clerk of the courts."

I keep my mouth shut tight because I have a feeling OMF is just itching for a confrontation. I read the the tickets...
Nothing inflammatory, just a nice $150 bite in the ass because this asshat is pissed off to be working on a holiday.
I sign where indicated, quietly, and continue reading the citations and ignore Officer Motherfucker.
OMF: "Any questions?"
YT: "No sir."
No eye contact, reading the fine print.
OMF: "Well, then. You have a nice day."
YT: "Yes sir."

Officer Motherfucker gets back in his cruiser and I assume, starts doing paperwork.
I give it a full 30 seconds before doing anything, then I start putting my computer bag back together, followed by my toolkit, then my clothes/dirty laundry go back into my suitcase...
I notice Ofcr MF watching me as I work.

Not gonna give this guy the pleasure of screwing with me any more than he already has, but I have a feeling that when I drive off, he's going to follow me...
Which he does. Quelle Surprise.

Fortunately, it's a very short drive over surface streets to SJC. I stop to gas the rental and OMF drives on by.

Hell, I figured he'd pull in and make sure I didn't put standard unleaded fuel in my E85 FlexFuel car.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

The Perfect Child is in the midst of her summer semester courses, one of which is the task of memorizing 1000 medical terms.
We were going over some of her terms and at some point we started discussing latin and Greek roots of words especially in the medical profession and eventually the term 'necro" came up, and noting the different applications regarding dead stuff.
Necropsy, Necrotic, Necromancy, and of course- Necrophilia.
.

Much to TWWKMT's disapproval, I of course steer the conversation to Tom Lerher's bon mot from "An Evening Wasted":

"I particularly remember a
heartwarming novel of his about a young necrophiliac who finally achieved
his boyhood ambition by becoming coroner. ... (The rest of you can look it
up when you get home.)"

Then I capped it off with one of my favorites about how a necrophiliac is someone that most people wouldn't want to be caught dead with.
Heh.
By this time TWWKMT is glaring daggers at me...

But in Interweb stumble I found the following list that ought to come in handy for some of you sickos Constant Readers. See if you recognize yourself or someone you might know in here:

Abasiophilia: love of (or sexual attraction to) people who use leg braces or other orthopedic appliancesAcousticophilia: sexual arousal from certain soundsAcrotomophilia: love of (or sexual attraction to) amputeesAgalmatophilia: sexual attraction to statues or mannequins or immobilityAlgolagnia: sexual pleasure from painAmaurophilia: sexual arousal by a partner whom one is unable to see due to artificial means, such as being blindfolded or having sex in total darkness. (See: sensory deprivation)Andromimetophilia: love of women dressed as menApodysophilia: desire to undress, see also nudismApotemnophilia: desire to have (or sexual arousal from having) a healthy appendage (limb, digit, or male genitals) amputatedAquaphilia: arousal from water and/or in watery environments, including bathtubs or swimming poolsAretifism: sexual attraction to people who are without footwear, in contrast to retifismAsphyxiophilia: sexual attraction to asphyxia; also called breath control play; including autoerotic asphyxiation; see medical warningsAutogynephilia: love of oneself as a woman (also see Blanchard, Bailey, and Lawrence theory for discussion on controversy)Biastophilia: sexual pleasure from committing rapeCelebriphilia: pathological desire to have sex with a celebrity.Coprophilia: sexual attraction to (or pleasure from) fecesCrush fetish: sexual arousal from seeing small creatures being crushed by members of the opposite sex, or being crushed oneselfDacryphilia: sexual pleasure in eliciting tears from others or oneselfDendrophilia: sexual attraction to trees and other large plants, popularized by the movie “Superstar” with Molly ShannonDiaper fetishism: sexual arousal from diapersEmetophilia (a.k.a. vomerophilia): sexual attraction to vomitEphebophilia (a.k.a. hebephilia): sexual attraction towards adolescentsEproctophilia: sexual attraction to flatulenceExhibitionism: sexual arousal through sexual behavior in view of third parties (also includes the recurrent urge or behavior to expose one’s genitals to an unsuspecting person, known as indecent exposure)Faunoiphilia: sexual arousal from watching animals mateFetishism: is the use of non-sexual or nonliving objects or part of a person’s body to gain sexual excitement. Examples include:balloon fetishism — breast fetishism — foot fetishism (podophilia) — fur fetishism — leather fetishism — lipstick fetishism — medical fetishism — panty fetishism — robot fetishism — rubber fetishism — shoe fetishism — smoking fetishism — spandex fetishism — dental braces fetishism — transvestic fetishism (see below)Frotteurism: sexual arousal from the recurrent urge or behavior of touching or rubbing against a nonconsenting personGerontophilia: sexual attraction towards the elderlyHematophilia: sexual attraction involving blood (either on a sex partner/attractive person or the liquid itself; not to be confused with haemophilia, a genetic disorder of the blood)Harpaxophilia: sexual arousal from being the victim of a robbery or burglaryHematolagnia: sexual attraction to bloodHybristophilia: sexual arousal to people who have committed crimes, in particular cruel or outrageous crimesInfantilism: sexual pleasure from dressing, acting, or being treated as a babyKatoptronophilia: sexual arousal from having sex in front of mirrors.Klismaphilia: sexual pleasure from enemasLust murder: sexual arousal through committing murderMacrophilia: sexual attraction to larger people and large things (including larger body organs such as breasts and genitalia)Maiesiophilia: sexual attraction to childbirth or pregnant womenMasochism: is the recurrent urge or behavior of wanting to be humiliated, beaten, bound, or otherwise made to sufferMicrophilia: sexual attraction to smaller people and things of smaller sizeMysophilia: sexual attraction to soiled, dirty, foul or decaying materialNecrophilia: sexual attraction to corpsesNecrozoophilia: sexual attraction to the corpses or killings of animals (also known as necrobestiality)Nepiophilia: the same as infantophilia sexual attraction to children between the age of 0 - 3 yrs.Pedophilia: sexual attraction to prepubescent children (British spelling: paedophilia)Phalloorchoalgolagnia: sexual arousal by the experiencing of painful stimuli being administered to the male genitals.Pictophilia: sexual attraction to pictorial pornography/erotic artPlushophilia: sexual attraction to stuffed toys or people in animal costume, such as theme park charactersPyrophilia: sexual arousal through watching, setting, hearing/talking/fantasizing about fireRetifism: sexual arousal from shoesSadism: sexual arousal from giving painSchediaphilia (aka Toonophilia): love (or sexual arousal) to cartoon characters/situationsSitophilia: sexual arousal from foodSomnophilia: sexual arousal from sleeping or unconscious peopleSpectrophilia: sexual attraction to ghostsTelephone scatologia: being sexually aroused by making obscene telephone callsTeratophilia: sexual attraction to deformed or monstrous peopleTransformation fetish: sexual arousal from depictions of transformations of people into objects or other beingsTransvestic fetishism: is a sexual attraction towards the clothing of the opposite gender (also known as transvestitism)Trichophilia: love (or sexual arousal) from hairUrolagnia: sexual attraction to urineVorarephilia: sexual attraction to being eaten by, and/or eating, another person or creatureVoyeurism: sexual arousal through watching others having sex (also includes the recurrent urge or behavior to observe an unsuspecting person who is naked, disrobing or engaging in sexual activities, see peeping tom)Xenophilia: sexual attraction to foreigners (in science fiction, can also mean sexual attraction to aliens)Zoophilia: emotional or sexual attraction to animalsZoosadism: the sexual enjoyment of causing pain and suffering to animals

Friday, June 08, 2012

1) Only in America could the President talk
about the greed of the rich at a $35,000 a plate campaign fund-raising event.

2) Only in America could people claim that the government still
discriminates against black Americans when we have a black President, a
black Attorney General, and roughly 18% of the federal work force is black
while 12% of the population is black.

3) Only in America could we have had the two people most responsible
for our tax code, Timothy Geithner, the head of the Treasury Department
and Charles Rangel who once ran the Ways and Means Committee, BOTH turn out
to be tax cheats who are in favor of higher taxes.

4) Only in America can we have terrorists kill people in the name of
Allah and have the President and the media react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.

5) Only in America would we make people who want to legally become
American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens
of thousands of dollars for the privilege while we discuss letting anyone who
sneaks into the country illegally just become American citizens.

6) Only in America could the people who believe in balancing the
budget and sticking by the country's Constitution be mocked by the President
and labeled "extremists" by the media.

7) Only in America are you required to present a driver's license to
cash a check or buy alcohol, but not to vote.

8) Only in America could the President and the media blame oil
companies for gouging the public because the price of gas went up when the return
on equity invested in a most major oil companies is less than half that of
a company making tennis shoes (Nike).

9) Only in America could the government collect more tax dollars from
the people than any nation in recorded history, but still spend over a
trillion dollars more than it has per year while the President complain that
there is not nearly enough money to do what he wants.

10) Only in America could the people who pay 86% of all income taxes be accused by the President of not paying their "fair share" on
behalf of the people who don't pay any income taxes at all.

Additions from the comments:

Only in America could you find 69,499,428 people with less intelligence than a corn flake to vote for a cockroach like Obama.

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)

Listening to Anderson Cooper on CNN in the Concierge Lounge in the hotel in Phoenix...(They wouldn't let me change the channel to something more entertaining like FoodTV or even HGTV.... Hell, I'd rather watch the hotel's promo channel or CSPAN than Ted's Communist Noose Network.)

He was going through some talking points on the current hack job commercial from TeamObama about R⋆money...
When discussing the accuracy of the commercial he used the phrase "factually non-truthful" when he reviewed the actual elements of the commercial.... I wonder if that is a TeamObama-approved way of saying, "yeah, they lied, but it's OK because First Black/Gay/Woman President!... nudge-nudge wink-wink".

Factually Non-truthful.
Hmmm.

We call it a LIE where I come from...

It does fit in with the rest of Team0bama doublespeak...
"Jobs Saved" or the recent head-scratcher "Lives touched" by The Stimulus.

While researching terms I came across an interesting juxtaposition of items...
At recovery.gov in the FAQ section glossary I found the following:

Funds Announced by an Agency
Funds that have been publicly announced as available to entities outside of the federal government. Not all available funds are announced publicly. For example, the funds going to a project started prior to the Recovery Act that are commingled with the project’s Recovery funds will not be announced publicly before being made available to a recipient). The Funds Announced figure should not be viewed as the total funding that an agency has made available.

Funds Awarded (Obligated by the federal agency) to a Recipient
Funds that have been made available to a recipient.

Funds Paid Out (Gross Outlay) by an Agency
Funds that a federal agency has paid out to a recipient.

Funds Received by an Recipient
Funds received by a recipient in the form of a federal award.

FraudThe use of intentional deception or false representation for undeserved monetary gains by an individual or organizational entity.

Thursday, June 07, 2012

We can play fuck-fuck.
As a matter of fact, we can play South Louisiana fuck-fuck, as Pete would say.
The TSA continues to find new and even more irritating ways to inconvenience the traveling public...
This morning I was passing through Houston (Hi Belle! Hi KX59!) and as I boarding my continuing flight I got pulled aside by two TSA agents for a surprise random inspection...
'Pulled aside' quite literally...
One agent grabbed at my bag as I passed by, throwing me off balance as I tried to pass their makeshift checkpoint.

TSA bag grabber: "Hey. I gotta check your bag."

Wrong.
How about a little courtesy and decorum? How about an 'excuse me'?
I decide to have a little fun with this...
The spot where they set up their inspection table was a pinch-point, and when they stopped me, it stopped all progress.
With the other passengers piling up behind me I unslung my bag from my shoulder and put it on the table.
Bag Grabber reached for it with his blue-gloved paws, but I pulled it back.

He gaped like a mackerel for a second then patted down his pockets, looking for another pair of gloves.

TSABG:(fixing me with a stern look) "Wait right here." and started rummaging through a bag behind their table.

The second Testicle Squeezer was randomly checking another bag...

YT:"Yeah- the TSA wears those gloves to protect themselves, not the public."

The TSA agent gave me an extremely nasty look...

YT: "Yep- Syph, lice, the clap, ringworm, staph, strep, and a host of viruses all are part of the possible fringe benefits when they don't change those gloves..."

The woman whose bag was being checked looked horrified.

YT: "Yeah- all part of the illusion of security."

The other agent finally got back with fresh gloves and started to check my bag.
And did a really poor job of it, I have to say.
I continued my TSA-is-bullshit rhetoric...

YT: "Yeah- although you THINK this is just staying a step ahead of the terrorists, it's really just an admission that you don't do a good enough job at the main screening location."
TSABG: "Here's your bag. You're good to go."

My fellow Frequent Travelers:
Make the TSA change their gloves before they touch you or your belongings...
Every time.
You're in more danger from the TSA transferring a dose of lice or a staph infection to you from a random stranger than you are from a terrorist attack.

The Woman Who Knows Most Things was running the vacuum the other evening -
It's a dual purpose task- it cleans the floor and gives The Dark Menace some exercise - the dog constantly challenges the process.
No amount of conditioning has been able to break her of her ceaseless jousting with the vacuum.

However...
Yours Truly: "Really? Running the vac at 9:00 at night?"
TWWKMT: "A woman's work is never done."
YT: "Hm. I've heard that... I guess that's why women get paid so much less than men."

The swelling has gone down quite a bit...
I should be able to see out of my left eye by some time next week.

The across-the-street neighbor was telling us about a case in court this week...
There was a guy in front of the judge charged with public masturbation.
The judge asked if he had an attorney, or did he want a public defender...
The guy declined the offer:
"No thanks- I can get myself off..." he said.

(No, not the horrible US version on History channel. That's a piece of crap...)

One of my favorite parts of the show (apart from where Clarkson races May & Hamster in some performance vehicle while they take conventional transport) is where Jeremy Clarkson introduces The Stig...

Clarkson : "Some say it's impossible for him to wear socks. And he can open a beer
bottle with his testes. All we know is he's called the Stig."

If you don't know what I'm talking about, Top Gear has what they refer to as a tame racing driver they use to test drive performance vehicles...He wears a white driving suit and a white full-face helmet with black visor completely hiding his face. He never speaks, and seems to be imbued with mysterious and perhaps supernatural powers. He also seems to be distrustful or unwilling to use modern technology.

As we all know, the intarweb is filled with ne're do-wells and malcontents with too much time on their hands. Some number of these folks have taken it upon themselves to research and publish these Stig-isms... For which I am grateful.

• Some say he never blinks, and that he roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves...

• Some say he’s wanted by the CIA, and that he sleeps upside down like a bat...

• Some say he appears on high value stamps in Sweden, and that he can catch fish with his tongue...

• Some say he is illegal in 17 US states, and he blinks horizontally...

• Some say that his breath smells of magnesium, and that he’s scared of bells...

• Some say he naturally faces magnetic north, and that all his legs are hydraulic...

• Some say that he lives in a tree, and that his sweat can be used to clean precious metals...

• Some say that his heart ticks like a watch, and that he’s confused by stairs...

• Some say that his voice can only be heard by cats, and that he has two sets of knees...

• Some say that he’s terrified of ducks, and that there’s an airport in Russia named after him...

• Some say his skin has the texture of a dolphin’s, and that
wherever you are in the world if you tune your radio to 88.4 you can
actually hear his thoughts...

• Some say that he has no understanding of clouds, and that his earwax tastes like Turkish Delight...

• Some say that his politics are terrifying, and that he once punched a horse to the ground...

• Some say that his tears are adhesive, and that if he caught fire he’d burn for a thousand days...

• Some say he can swim seven lengths underwater, and he has webbed buttocks...

• Some say that his heart is in upside down, and that his teeth glow in the dark...

• Some say that his ears aren’t exactly where you’d expect them
to be, and that once, preposterously, he had an affair with John
Prescott...

• Some say he has a digital face, and that if he felt like it, he could fire Alan Sugar...

• Some say that his genitals are on upside down, and that if he
could be bothered he could crack the Da Vinci code in 43 seconds...

• Some say his ears have a paisley lining, and he’s been banned from the Chelsea Flower Show...

• Some say that the outline of his left nipple is exactly the
same shape as the Nurburg ring, and that if you give him a really
important job to do, he’ll skive off and play croquet...

• Some say he invented Branston Pickle, and that if you insult his mother he will headbutt you in the chest...

• Some say that on really warm days he sheds his skin like a snake, and that for some reason he’s allergic to the Dutch...

• Some say that his first name really is The, and that if he went
on Celebrity Love Island they’d all be pregnant including the
cameramen...

• Some say that he once threw a microwave oven at a tramp, and
that long before anyone else he realised that Jade Goody was a racist
pig-faced waste of blood and organs...

• Some say that he once had a vicious knife-fight with Anthea
Turner, and that he is in no way implicated in the Cash-for-Honours
scandal. All we know is that he's called Lord Stig

• Some say that he is a CIA experiment that went wrong, and that
he only eats cheese. All new know is that he's not The Stig - he's The
Stig's fat American cousin

• Some say that if you lick his chest it tastes exactly the same
as Piccalilli, and that at this week’s Brit awards he was arrested for
goosing Russell Brand...

• Some say that he sucks the moisture from ducks, and that his crash helmet is modelled on Britney Spears’ head...

• Some say he isn’t machine washable, and all his potted plants are called Steve...

• Some say his scrotum has its own small gravity field...

• Some say because our producer rigged a phone vote, he now has a new name...all we know is, he's called Cuddles...

• Some say he's banned from the town of Chichester...

• Some say in a recent late night deal he bought a slightly dented white Fiat Uno from the Duke of Edinburgh...

• Some say he gets terrible eczema on his helmet...

• Some say if he'd been the video ref in the World Cup Rugby
Final he would've seen that it was of course a try you blind Australian
half-wit...

• Some say to unlock him you have to run your finger down his face...

• Some say if he were getting divorced from Paul McCartney he'd keep his stupid whining mouth shut...

• Some say he thought Star Wars was a documentary...

• Some say he recently pulled out of I'm a Celebrity because he's
frightened of trees....and Australia...Koo Stark...and Ant...and Dec...

• Some say he knows two facts about ducks, and both of them are wrong...

• Some say 61 years ago he accidentally introduced Her Majesty, the Queen, to a Greek racialist...

• Some say when he slows down, brake lights come on in his buttocks...

• Some say if he'd been the manager of the England football squad
last week he wouldn't have been a feckless-ginger-gum-chewing buffoon
who ruined it for all of us...

• Some say he once lost a canoe on a beach in the northeast...

• Some say he once did some time in a prison in Canterbury because his teddy is called The Baby Jesus ...

• Some say that after making love, he bites the head of his
partner, and that he's had to give up binge-drinking now that it 's got
to £1.18 a litre. All we know is he's called the Stig.

• Some say that each of his toenails are exactly the same as a
woman's nipples. And that he thinks the credit crunch is some kind of
breakfast cereal. All we know is he's called the Stig.

• Some say his droppings have been found as far north as York.
And that he has a full-size tattoo of his face - on his face. All we
know is he's called the Stig.

• Some say that he is not allowed by law, within a hundred yards
of Lorraine Kelly. And that he's never seen an episode of Top Gear
because he's a huge fan of Midsomer Murders. All we know is he's called
Bergerac.

• Some say it's impossible for him to wear socks. And he can open
a beer bottle with his testes. All we know is he's called the Stig.

• Some say his droppings have been found as far north as York. And that he has a full size tattoo of his face, on his face.

• Some say that he sleeps inside out, and that he once had full sex with Russell Brand's answering machine.

• Some say his favourite ever song is Forever Autumn by Justin
Hayward, and that he has the world's largest collection of
pornographical material.

• Some say that he invented November. And that if he had won the
World Championship in Brazil last weekend, there might have been one
photograph of him without his father, gurning in the back of shot.

• Some say one of his legs get longer when he sees a pretty lady.
And that I haven't done one of these for some time and I've forgotten
to make up a second thing.

• Some say that he doesn't like to get his helmet wet. A point
that was proved last week when he was caught in the back of shot by an
eagle-eyed viewer.

•(On African Stig) Some say he's seen The Lion King 1780 times,
and that his second best friend is a cape buffalo... all we know is,
he's not the Stig, but he is the Stig's African cousin.

• Some say that as we speak he is actually relaxing in the resort pool, and he is, he is actually.

• Some say, he has a stripy top, just like mine...

• Some say that one of his eyes is a teste. And that he was turned down for I'm a celebrity because people have heard of him...

• Some say he invented the curtain, and that he recently submitted a £20,000 expenses claim for some gravel...for his moat...

• Some say, he has twelve GCSE's, all in Domestic Science. And
that he has been producing artificial sperm for years. Even though we
have repeatedly asked him not to...

• Some say, that on Thursdays he becomes incredibly bulbous. And
that recently pigs in Mexico started to die of something called Stigflu
. All we know is, he's highly contagious!

• Some say, that he cut that man's hair [pointing at a man in audience]...

• Some say that in the autumn, all his arms go brown and fall off.
And that if he wrote you a letter of condolence, he would at least get
your name right. All we know is, he's called the Stog.
James: You mean the Stig.
Jeremy: That's what I said. I said it.

• Some say that he has some terrible plans involving the moon.
And that he was turned down for a place on I'm a Celebrity because he is
one.

• Some say his new Christmas range of fragrances includes the
great smell of Wednesday. And that he was turned down for the job of EU
President, because his face is just too recognisable...

• Some say that the drinks cabinet in his car contains fourteen
different types of custard. And that while he has been known to leave
his house in a bit of a hurry, he's never once hit a fire hydrant...

• Some say that his discharge is luminous, and that even as we speak,
he is appearing on the main stage at Glastonbury performing his most
famous hit, Superstition...

• Some say there are 17 different reasons why he's banned from
the Northampton branch of Little Chef, and that his favourite airline
pilot is Mark Webber...

• Some say the Scottish released him a little bit too soon. And
that he spent all week pushing an effigy of Rubens Barrichello through
his desk fan...
...All we know is, he’s probably called Ben Collins, and he’s probably unemployed.
• Some say that he's recently been releasing pop records
under the pseudonym of Lady Gaga, and that under his race suit he also
wears a red G-string and suspenders. All we know is he's called the
Stig.

• Some say that he doesn't understand the word 'envelope', and that
he is the only woman in Britain not to have slept with Alan Johnson's
policemen. All we know is he's called the Stig.

• Some say he once tore a goat in half, and that he is now
regretting buying his new holiday home in downtown Cairo. All we know is
he's called the Stig.

• Some say his nipples are explosive, and that he's recently had a
Mexican… I mean Brazilian! Why did I say that! I'm sorry Mr Ambassador!
Anyway, all we know is he's called the Stig!

• Some say that in his wallet he keeps a photograph of his
wallet, and that in a recent race even he was beaten by the King's
speech. All we know is he's called the Stig!

• Some say that his favourite disease that he had when he was a
child was Gout, and that he was very surprised this week when he was
able to pick up some remarkably cheap tickets to the Bahrain Grand Prix.
All we know is he's called the Stig.

• Some say he doesn't know what dogs are for, and that he recently
took out a super-injunction to prevent us from revealing that he ……..
…………… … …….. ….. …….. ……. with an enormous goat. All we know is he's
called the Stig.

• Some say that he can't eat mashed potato for religious reasons,
and that he recently received 47,000 tickets, Olympic tickets, all of
them for the final of the Women's Wrestling. All we know is he's called
the Stig.

• Some say that he refuses to acknowledge the existence of
Nottingham shire, and that he recently received a very strong email from
his finance's mother, saying its bad manners to sit at the dinner table
in a helmet. All we know is he's called the Stig.

• Some say that he once hacked into his own helmet, and that he
thinks Harper Seven is a convicted terrorist cell. All we know is he's
called the Stig.

• Some say that his favourite T-shirt has a picture on the front
of a T-shirt, and that he spent all week waiting for a big cheque from
the Germans, because he too has spent the last 2000 years sitting on his
backside doing absolutely nothing at all. All we know is he's called
the Stig.

• Some say he's not the Stig. But he is the Stig's Italian cousin!

• Some say he's the Stig, but he isn't. He's the Stig's Chinese cousin!

• Some say he has 50,000 photographs of his own camera, and that
60 years ago this week, he too became a Queen. All we know is he's
called the Stig.

• He's not the Stig's alpine cousin, he's just the Stig.

• Some say that he is the only man in history to buy a DFS sofa
when there wasn't a sale on, and that his favourite boxing venue is
Munich airport. All we know is he's called the Stig.

That'd make a great Halloween costume... I wonder if I can get that white driving suit in extra-tall & extra-fat?

Sunday, June 03, 2012

Over the past few months I have had ample time to get some reading done...

Just over a year ago, The Woman Who Knows Most Things picked up the Game of Thrones series, and as she finished one she passed it along to me...
In addition, The Perfect Child had been pushing the Hunger Games at me for a while now. I wrote a few months back about observing travelers in airports reading their copies of the current NYT bestsellers as they waited for their flights...

The thing that has really increased my reading was the purchase of a iPad...
The PC and TWWKMT both have Kindle Fires, but after exhaustive research I decided there was more software for my needs for the iOS platform, so I picked up the new version a week or so after they were released.

I have not been disappointed with my purchase...

There are a huge number of apps for almost every conceivable purpose...

Tropical Storm Beryl, about to the kick the snot out of North Florida....

I particularly liked this storm tracker... Keeps me informed on when to run for cover...

I've been using it for photo-documentation, email, research and of course, reading.

In addition to picking all the Game of Thrones, Hunger Games and Stieg Larsson's The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo books, I also raided the Project Gutenberg archives.

I'm starting to question the need to lug my laptop around on my travels...

Saturday, June 02, 2012

I was in search of diversions a few weeks back and I reached out to The Czar at Castle Gormogon (Interested? Contact Castle G, Plateau of Leng RFD) to see if they had any entertaining sideshow exhibits.

Although he had a suggestion or two I still had to search high and low for a true abyssal void...

One of the things I discovered that there are some rules concerning visiting and looking into bottomless pits...
I guess everything has it own etiquette and protocol.

Viewing the Bottomless Pit - The Rules:

Please behave responsibly when standing near the bottomless pit. No shoving or roughhousing. Do not pretend to push your friend into the pit and then grab the back of his shirt and pull him backward.

The bottomless pit is not a trash bin. Please dispose of all waste in the clearly marked receptacles.

Do not throw coins into the pit. It is not a wishing well; it is an eerie and some say unnatural phenomenon that appears to defy all earthly laws. Then again, that would also seem to describe any wishing well. Go ahead and throw the coins.

Do not attempt to jump over the pit unless you’ve gotten a good running start.

Do not drop handwritten messages into the pit in an attempt to communicate with people in China, the denizens of Hell, or the Mole People. Scientific analysis has determined that the pit does not lead to any of those places, but does not rule out the possibility that it could be a vortex leading to another dimension. So please address all correspondence accordingly.

You may hear a strange voice whispering in your ear to, “Jump! Jump in and end it all!” Don’t fall for it. That voice is coming from Doug, one of our eternally bored attendants.

Do not throw your car keys to someone standing on the other side of the pit unless that person is a good driver with a healthy respect for other people’s property.

Chest-kicking someone into the pit in a re-enactment of that famous scene from the movie 300 is highly discouraged, unless you can deliver the line “This… is… Sparta!” in a moderately amusing way.

Please note: When you stare into the bottomless pit, the bottomless pit stares back at you.

When, despite all of these precautions, you still manage to fall into the pit, please do not shriek as you plummet to whatever dark fate awaits you. Ghostly echoes of your scream can reach the surface for several days afterward, and this can put a damper on everyone else’s enthusiasm when viewing the pit.

Failure to comply with any of these rules may result in a barrier of thin twine being erected around the pit.

I've had quite a few emails, text messages, carrier pigeon notes, phone calls, and in one case, a cryptic query engraved on the side of a 5 gallon plastic bucket, all on the same subject.

To wit:
Dude, what's up with your website?

Well, let's just chalk it up to paranoia.
I shut down access to the 'site to avoid having my own words turned against me.

(After all, these days, even the most innocuous of words can be twisted, turned and taken out of context, and it will thrown back in your face as evidence of your racism and/or lack of cultural sensitivity.
A non-related example: Go look up the word "furniture" on Urban Dictionary.)

I had a long screed written up about the events of the last few months but after editing, tweaking, re-proofing, and re-editing it, I gave up on it because it became a just a hideously circular argument that revealed one of my character flaws...

I know, it's hard to believe that I have flaws, but stick with me here...

I am a bigot.

Shocking, eh?

Bigot:
noun
a person who is utterly intolerant of any differing creed, belief, or opinion.

My bigotry is that I am intolerant of anyone that is so lazy that they will vilify others in order to get out of work, or use spurious excuses to evade their responsibilities, or to use tired inaccurate characterizations advance a hidden agenda.

Fuck every one of those motherfuckers.
Twice.
Hard.
With a ten-foot, wrought-iron, curare-tipped, barbed-wire dildo.

Exercise Your 2nd Amendment Rights

Do you have a firearm that you have purchased for home protection, but are not comfortable with your ability to safely maintain, load and fire it?
Uncle Jay would be glad to help.
If you've never shot a firearm or would like an introduction into shooting sports, just let me know.
I can arrange range time and can give you practical assistance in learning about guns, or help you with your personal protection firearm.

Always remember the 5 rules:

1. Always treat a firearms as if it is loaded.
2. Never point a firearm at anyone or anything that you do not intend to kill or destroy.
3. Keep your finger off the trigger until you are ready to shoot.
4. Know your target and what is beyond the target.
5. Don't be a dick.

You can violate one of the rules and you might survive; If you break two of the rules, someone could be hurt or killed.
Violate the 5th rule and the person hurt or killed will probably be you.
Always remember: You are personally responsible for anything that happens while a gun is in your hands.

Ex Libiris

People who should have better judgement than to be following a subversive bastard like Yours Truly