Let's pick apart that A-Rod statement, shall we?

There are those of you out there who'd probably prefer that I focus on something besides for Alex Rodriguez today. If that's the case, you'll be sadly disappointed.

As a self-respecting baseball fan, there's absolutely no way that I can listen to that cheesy, aw-shucks crap spewed from A-Rod's purple-lipped crawhole today and not want to rip it to shreds. Even if it is kind of like shooting fish in a barrel with a rocket-propelled grenade launcher, it seems worthwhile to make sure that the only clown here is the guy who still can't admit full responsibility for his actions.

First, the statement, which appears in more places on the Internet right now than Pamela Anderson:

"First, bear with me. I'm a little nervous, or a lot nervous, so bear with me a little bit.

Translation: I'm about to throw a whole bunch of new "information" out there to see what sticks. If nothing works, I'll probably just go back to blaming Selena Roberts for this mess.

"Let me start by thanking the Yankees, my teammates, our fans, for your support over the last couple weeks. The fact that you're sitting here with me today means the world to me. The last couple weeks have been difficult and emotional.

Translation: Thanks for sticking with me, Jetes. I'm really sorry I boiled your pet rabbit. Saw that in a movie once and thought it'd make you like me better.

"On the one hand, it's extremely tough to admit mistakes. But on the other hand, it feels great to be moving forward. I know that I'm in a position where I have to earn my trust back, and over time I am confident that at the end of my career, people will see this for what it is: a stupid mistake and a lesson learned for a guy with a lot of baseball to play.

Translation: I still can't believe I'm up here talking about this stuff. It's going to cost me millions! I hope that people will not see this for what it really was: my blatant disregard for the rules, and my attempt to whine like Shirley Temple once I got caught. Didn't you guys hear before when I said that you'll have to talk to the union about all this?

"Last Monday, I began the first step in the process of earning back trust when I sat down with Peter Gammons. I did so to accomplish two things: to tell the truth and to apologize to my teammates and baseball fans everywhere. Now the next step is to address the media about what I took and where it came from.

Translation: Last Monday, I got extremely lucky when Peter Gammons let me off the hook easy with my first interview after I got caught with my pants down. I sat down with him for two reasons: Because I had no idea what I was doing, and because Madonna told me to.

"On reflection, here's what I remember:

Translation: On reflection, I am now going to tell you a few things you've never heard before. The possibility that I may not be voted into the Baseball Hall of Fame even if I hit 900 home runs has jogged my memory.

"As I discussed with Peter Gammons, in the year 2001, 2002 and 2003, I experimented with a banned substance that eventually triggered a positive test. In September of 2004, I had a meeting with Gene Orza. During that meeting, he explained to me that I had been among the players from which people might conclude that I tested positive. That was as specific as Gene could be, because Gene stated to me that there were a number of players on that list who might not have actually tested positive.

Translation: As discussed with Peter Gammons... wait, what did I discuss with Peter again? Keeping my stories straight gets tough after all these years of triggering a positive results on the liar-liar-pants-on-fire meter.

"I think it is important to note that the tests that were taken in 2003 were requested and voted by players to determine the extent of the drug problem in Major League Baseball.

Translation: Since baseball couldn't be bothered to get its act together on steroids by 2003, there's no freakin' reason I should have to be sitting here today.

"Going back to 2001, my cousin started telling me about a substance that you could purchase over-the-counter in DR know as, in the streets, it's known as boli or bole. It was his understanding that it would give me a dramatic energy boost and (was) otherwise harmless. My cousin and I, one more ignorant than the other, decided it was a good idea to start taking it. My cousin would administer it to me, but neither of us knew how to use it properly, providing (sic) just how ignorant we both were.

Translation: I'm now going to tell you a ridiculously outlandish story about my cousin in hopes that you forget that in 2001, I started playing for the Texas Rangers, who had more cheaters than a late-night cable TV show. I'm sure a few of you will probably lay off, even though I popped positive for Primobolan, not Skittles. I'm also hoping you all forget that I had already signed a monster contract, and should have known everything about every grain of rice going into my body, let alone street drugs smuggled into the country.

"It was at this point, we decided to take it twice a month for about six months during the 2001, 2002 and 2003 season. We consulted no one and had no good reason to base that decision. It was pretty evident that we didn't know what we're doing.

Translation: Again, please believe this cousin story. True side story, though: I considered using "boli" more often, but that back acne? Eww.

"We did everything we could to keep it between us, and my cousin did not provide any other players with it. I stopped taking it in 2003 and haven't taken it since.

"I stopped taking the substance for several reasons. In 2003, I had a serious neck injury and it scared me half to death. I was scared for my career and truly my career after baseball -- my life after baseball. Secondly, after our voluntary test, all the players voted for a major league drug policy. At that time, it became evident to me how serious this all was, and I decided to stop then.

Translation: I keep bringing this neck injury up, but again, it was really just the back acne.

"Since that time, I've been tested regularly. I've taken urine tests consistent with Major League Baseball and blood tests for the World Baseball Classic. Before I walked here today, I took a test as part of my physical, and I'll take another blood test next week for the Classic.

Translation: In an attempt to not look like a complete weenie, I am now making it clear that I have not used steroids in the last few months. Anybody got a cookie?

"In the days ahead, I know that a lot of people are going to debate my past with various opinions. People are going to talk about my future as though it's already been determined, however, I realize that these opinions are out of my control. What is in my control is going out and doing the job that I am blessed to do. Spring training represents a new start for me and a chance to win a championship, two opportunities I'm very excited about.

Translation (voice squeaks): I HATE IT when people talk about me!

"It isn't lost on me the good fortune I've received from playing baseball. When I entered the pros, I was a young kid -- the major leagues. I was 18 years old, right out of high school. I thought I knew everything, and I clearly didn't. Like everyone else, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. The only way I know how to handle them is to learn from them and move forward. One thing I know is for sure that baseball is a lot bigger than Alex Rodriguez.

Translation: Man, I miss the days of playing with Griffey in Seattle. Since then, life has been one great big cluster of back acne, manly strippers and Madonna voodoo chili. The only way I know how to move on from all this is to awkwardly sit up here before you reporters today and hope that nobody asks anything complicated afterward.

"And to my teammates -- (37-second pause)

Translation: Oh you guys will never see this tear coming...

Wait, where's that tear...

Come on, CRY Alex! Think about Madonna and those pink handcuffs!

OK, this is just getting awkward... Time for a drink of water.

"Thank you."

Translation: At least a few of you clowns showed up today. Jeter, do you really have to mine for gold here? Ugh.

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Also: A few other items related to this mess worth looking at:

-- A Sports Ilustrated writer skewers the Yankees who sat and watched the carnage this afternoon. (Deadspin)

-- Setting the odds on who finds A-Rod's "cousin" first. (The Big Lead)

-- Perhaps this is as interesting as anything else you'll see. As of 11:30 p.m., Curt Schilling hasn't blogged about the press conference. (38 Pitches)