What watching endless hours of Shark Tank and Dragon’s Den has taught me is that if you’re going to invent something, you need to have a patent. I’ve been really patient, watching the world get smarter, seeing technology advance and what not. But it’s 2012 and there are still tons of inventions that would make human life easier. I’m all for looking out for my fellow humans. Okay, let’s be honest. That’s not true. I’m just looking out for my own benefit here, as per usual.

Jet packs. How do we not have jet packs yet? We’re living in the 21st century and our main option for long distance travel is an airplane full of smelly people. Are we animals? We basically haven’t evolved at all. If aliens land on Earth and realize that we can’t even fly on our own yet, they won’t even conquer us. How embarrassing.

Oh great. Pauly D got a hold of a jet pack.

Hover cars. This is basically the same thing as jet packs, but better. Once we stop playing with rocks on Mars, maybe we can get our sh*t together and start building cool stuff. Jet packs are the first step. Hover cars will be amazing because then we can actually bring stuff with us. Think about it– you can’t pack anything when you travel by jet pack. But hover cars will make it like a road trip, but in the sky! Of course, then someone will have to figure out the rules of the air (kind of like the rules of the road, but with less rules). We can worry about that later.

Water proof iPods. Look, I want to be able to swim laps without talking to myself or singing songs in my head. It’s really annoying and I would appreciate it if someone would figure this one out pronto. It would also be awesome to use when you float around in the ocean. This invention doesn’t even seem that challenging to make. I’m sure the genius bar at the Apple Store can figure it out. They are geniuses, right? You can’t just falsely label someone a genius, right? I’m looking at you, dead Steve Jobs.

Food that doesn’t make us fat. At this day and age why do we even need food to survive? Shouldn’t we be able to take a pill that fills us up and that’s the end of it? Like that gum that Willy Wonka made that tasted like a full dinner. But without the weird side effects. Imagine how much money we would save not having to worry about agriculture, harvesting, farming, etc. Like, how is it that I’m solving all of the world’s problems on my blog post and I’m not even considered as a presidential candidate? I would even settle for Prime Minister of Canada. Jk no I wouldn’t.

Weird side effects= turning blue and fat. The opposite of cute.

Animal Translators. Why the F can’t we talk to animals yet? They’re so wise and cool. We could learn a lot from them. The closest we’ve come is teaching Koko the gorilla sign-language. That’s awesome and everything, like whoever did that deserves a pat on the back, but lets ACTUALLY figure out how to listen to what animals are saying. For realzies. And lets make them understand us. I’m talking full-on Doctor Dolittle, Wild Thornberry’s, stuff.

So those are my inventions. Don’t even think about stealing them. This post serves as a patent for all of the above inventions. If I find out that any of you steal my ideas and make millions, I probably won’t do anything, but I’ll be pretty pissed.