Hi. I’m Writey and I’m a millennial. Apparently all is fair in mongering and marketing, because not only do conservative babyboomers bash my generation at every turn when they’re not blaming blacks, non-normatives or some kind of non-existent elite other than the one they’re part of for everything they imagine is wrong with their lives: there’s a new player on the block.

And that player is Hasbro. Hasbro is a games company, if you’re not familiar with them, and despite all their faults we kinda have to love them because of the Joy for All robot animals. Have you seen those things? They’re cute as hell. However, less cute is this latest addition to the increasingly desperate Monopoly franchise.

Monopoly for Millennials. Right: first off, ‘for millennials’? I played Monopoly on an old DOS PC long before the term was even coined or widely known and Hasbro comes with a board version of Monopoly ‘for Millennials’. That should be your first hint that this fucking thing was not created with actual millennials in mind.

And despite very much not wanting to, we have to discuss the rest of this. Just to vent. The tag-line of this version of monopoly is ‘Forget real estate, you can’t afford it anyway’. So, the Millennial-version of the game that has the primary objective to GET ALL THE FAKE REAL ESTATE AND MAKE A FUCKTON OF FAKE MONEY is telling you to forget about real estate.

So what, pray tell, did the geniuses at Hasbro come up with to replace the main goal of Monopoly with? EXPERIENCE POINTS. Seriously? You’re replacing money with XP? First and foremost: that’s stealing from your other franchise. XP is the thing you gather in Dungeons and Dragons, you drunk morons. And it’s not per definition a millennial thing either: a few generations of geeks have now been using the system for character improvement based on experience.

However, even more seriously: fuck you, Hasbro. Because gaining experience instead of money is one of the reasons we can’t afford real estate. And guess whose fault that is? Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you and fuck you. Ever tried paying your bills with experience? NO THAT DIDN’T WORK DID IT!

So anyway, you’ve replaced money with XP. What did you replace the fake real estate with? Well, you gain XP by visiting the hottest destinations: “from your Friend’s Couch, to the Vegan Bistro, to a Week-Long Meditation Retreat”.

Right. It’s become very clear to me that this fucking game has one fucking target audience: your conservative uncle. He’ll buy this kind of shit for Christmas to give to you, just so he can piss you off. Our advice? The best possible experience points you can gather by letting it immediately visit the hottest destination. Yes, that would be the fire place during christmas. Happy holidays to all (except Hasbro: fuck you), I’m off to play D&D and hug robot cats.