Month: December 2014

Last year on New Year’s Eve, I was sitting on the couch in my condo, laid up with a kidney infection and just dreaming of what 2014 would be like. When Joel visited me in November that year, we decided we wanted to live together. And with that decision, 2014 was poised to be GINORMOUS with planning and prepping. But I had no idea how ginormous it would wind up.

Over the course of 2014, I:

paid off my credit cards for the LAST time (i.e. I cancelled all but one and cut up the card for the remaining account so I can’t use it, ever, except for the most extreme emergency.)

had an ultrasound that uncovered mystery spots on my liver and kidneys. The spots were non-malignant, but it scared the shit out of me. So I cut back on drinking by about 80%, and the spots shrank. Huzzah!

gained 10 lbs because I replaced alcohol with pizza and cookies

concluded therapy, which felt like graduating from Emotional Competency College

got to hug each and every one of my best friends (hard to do when all your friends are scattered across the United States)

discovered I actually want to have children

turned 30 (ugh, what?)

celebrated the birth of my newest nephew

moved to Australia

read 5 books (accomplishment!)

And here are some of the pictorial highlights:

I moved out of my condo and back into my parent’s house. It was a sweet little place and I still miss it.I got to play in so much snow. My dog, Lucy, and her sister Ellie, were almost buried in it.I got to work from home lots, because Virginia cancels everything for snow.After I moved back in and stopped going out as much, I got to spend my Friday nights with my niece and nephew. It was the best.I celebrated my 1 year anniversary of Fixing Myself.I loved on Ms. LucyI got to enjoy lots of sibling time, which is hard since we’re all so busy. Also, my dad has the best photo bombs.I spent my summer bonding with my mom’s old sewing machine as I made baby quilts for my sister and my best friend, who were due within a week of each other.I cuddled with my brand new nephew, Henry, for about 800 hours.I took a field trip with my best friend Cara to our childhood home, Ft. Meade, Maryland. It had been about 11 years since either of us had been.I got the sweetest typewriter in the world. It’s still in the States, though. Oh, how I long for thee.I helped throw a Mad Scientist event. So good.I took an awesome road trip to Savannah, GA with my mom and her girlfriends. We stopped at South of the Border because of course we did.I had an incredible time at my birthday/good bye extravaganza. It lit me on fire. Such a good weekend.I celebrated a year of wonderful with Joel.I got in as much time with Bill Purray before I had to leave him.I took my dad for his first pedicure on my birthday.I spent a fantastic 10 days with friends in Los Angeles before I left for Sydney.I got to hang out with the newest edition to my Best Friend Family, Leah’s daughter Elodie, who was born 2 days after my nephew.I bid a sad, but loving adieu to the United States on September 1st.I was gifted Tobias Rexington, aka Fuji XM-1, and my camera life is forever changed.I was, at long last, reunited with my luff.I got to live the dream as Joel and I feathered our nest with a near $900 trip to Ikea.I got to spend so many balcony happy hours with this gorgeous Australian.I went on a billion interviews.I realized I’ve been drinking shitty coffee all my life when I got to Sydney. The Copper Mill is where coffee lives.I’ve seen so many beautiful sunsets.I got to taste a little bit of America.I’ve mingled with the wildlife. And by mingled, I mean, ran away shrieking.I learned you can’t always go home again.I mingled with more wildlife.I died a million sweaty deaths. I’ll never take a/c for granted again.I’ve seen some kick ass storms.I wasn’t kidding about the beautiful sunsets.I learned that not all bacon is created equal.I am now part of a registered couple. 🙂So many good happy hours.I saw gorgeous beaches, basically in our back yard.I’ve cooked more than I ever have in my entire life, and it’s fucking awesome.I bought my blog domain–a first for me–and I discovered that beans on toast is white trash brilliance.I conquered my fear of bridge heights! (Maybe)I celebrated my first Christmas with Joel.I began to conquer my fear of the ocean, thanks to Joel.And I fell in love harder than I ever thought possible.

For all the worry and anxiety I had over this year, and even though parts of it were so incredibly hard, I look back and I’m so surprised at how well it went, and how supportive and encouraging everyone was. I’ve been pushed and challenged this year, and I feel like I’m coming out on top, learning and finally starting to apply all those lessons learned. And I’ve felt more loved and alive than I have in a long time. I miss everyone back in the States more than I thought I would, but I finally feel like I’m coming into my own as a person. It’s a good feeling.

Long story short: what a transforming, awesome, kick ass year. I have a feeling that 2015 will be just as exciting–and maybe a little scary (see: applying for my Partner visa and taking control of my terrible eating habits {I just wiped melted chocolate off my laptop}). But I can’t wait to see how it turns out.

I’m not sure how it started–maybe on a Christmas eve when my mom didn’t have time to shop for stocking stuffers and just grabbed things at random from the kitchen–but now it’s a tradition that the Turner Christmas stocking includes: duct tape, packets of brown gravy, a can of Easy Cheese, and a can of Spam. It’s essentially everything you would need to survive if the world ended, as duct tape fixes everything, and these food items never seem to expire. The gravy packets always ended up back in the kitchen, along with the Easy Cheese, but we never touched the Spam.

Spam has always been a joke food in my family. There’s something about canned meat that seems unholy and weird–last ditch food in a post-nuclear wasteland. I’ve always loved Spam as a novelty, the branding that never changed, the creepiness of canned mystery meat, the unapologetic honesty of its advertising: cheap meat, meat like flavor.

So when Joel opened his stocking this year and held out the ubiquitous meat like product, I figured we’d just pop it on the window sill and use it for decoration, as I have before. But then we had a better idea: why don’t we try cooking with it?

I couldn’t remember the last time I’d tried Spam, and neither could Joel. I was pretty sure it’d taste like all mystery meat — vaguely like chicken-beef and with the texture of ham. Like a canned hot dog. Or it would just poison us, as I imagine all canned meat will do. Meat just isn’t supposed to sit on the counter. But, I remembered my Quest To Try All The Trashy Foods, and I agreed to try it. For science.

We scanned through recipes, and most of them sounded pretty good. Except for the Spam Musubi–even if our friend Barry is a fan. One recipe even claimed that Spam, once diced and fried, tastes a lot like bacon. And that Spam and Pineapple pizza is a delicacy in Hawaii. It came down to a recipe for Spam Fried Rice, and Spam Pineapple Pizza, but the pizza won over because we had a frozen pizza crust that needed to be eaten. /priorities

So we set out to make Fried Spam and Pineapple Pizza. what happens next will startle you.

onion choppin’Spam slicin’Spam and onion fryin’mmmmPile it on a crust that’s spread with tomato pasteAdd the pineapple. I loathe pineapple, so watching this made me gag.Top with BBQ sauceAnd green pepperGRATE DAT CHEESE. Pro-tip: cheese is always better if you grate it yourself.Top with spinach so you think you’re eating healthyand add more BBQ sauce to remind yourself you’re not eating healthyadd cheeseADD MORE CHEESEbe careful when you’re putting it into the oven. Or the crust might fold and you might loose 1/4 of your pizza.Viola!Joel added some props for effect.

aw ysssss

The result: surprisingly delicious. I’m especially floored, considering this is a food whose two main ingredients are canned meat and pineapple i.e. the top two on my List of Shit I Won’t Eat, and all I’ve been able to think about this morning is putting the remaining slice in the oven and mowing it down. Even with the pineapple. The Spam was soft, but it had a buttery, bacon-y taste that defied all my expectations. And the pineapple and BBQ sauce set it off perfectly. Our crust was a little soft, but it didn’t matter. I could also see this as a wrap or a pita style sandwich.

Christmas this year was full of firsts: first Christmas with Joel and in Sydney, first time away from my family, first time eating Christmas Pudding, first time wearing a paper crown, and more. And it was fabulous!

Between Christmas Eve and Christmas day, we were spoiled with family, food, gifts, and storms. Joel’s family was incredibly welcoming, making me feel like I’ve been celebrating with them for years. I didn’t take many photos, mostly because I spent about 90% of my time eating, but here’s a few for the record:

We had Christmas eve dinner with Joel’s dad, and while we were there, we got to meet Tibs and Kota, the two kitties rescued by Joel’s brother.

Tibs on the left, and Kota on the right. These two melted my heart.They played with this rotating laser pointer tower for just about ever.Joel made Tibs into a kitty burrito, or purrito. She looks paralyzed with fear, but trust me, she was laid back and having a good time.We also got to spend time with Joel’s childhoo Boo, Jessie. I have a soft spot for old beagles, and Jessie is such a sweet heart.We got to open crackers! Crackers look like big card board bon-bons, and two people each hold an end and pull the bon-bon apart. There’s a big crack noise, and a toy, a joke, and a paper crown fall out. The toys and jokes are typically crap, and the crowns rip easily, but it’s still hella fun, as Joel demonstrates.Christmas Pudding a flambe! This was cool. Joel’s dad lit a ladle full of brandy, and then basically poured fire over the pudding. Incredibly dangerous, but the effect was so cool. The pudding wasn’t bad either.Sweet Jessie Face.Santa came!Christmas tea timeJoel helped me bake a Pumpkin Crunch cake to take to his mum’s. My mom is famous for this cake, and my attempt at it wasn’t too bad!Joel opening his stocking stuffers, Christmas towels and American flag duct tape. Not pictured: Reese trees and brown gravy packets. My stocking had gossip rags and Reese cups because Santa Turner loves me.I got Joel a signed print by Steve “Espo” Powers. It’s going to start our gallery wall.Our tree’s annual white house ornament!Choo choo, America!We were pretty excited to figure out what was in the mystery Duct Tape present.and then we got hints, and then we got EXCITEDCINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH! We can’t find this cereal here, so this is an extra special treat.I made this racoon pillow for Joel as a joke gift, and it turned out just a bit special looking. We parked it on the couch, and it just looks evil. #successthe Christmas carnage and spoils. You can see the digital drawing tablet that Joel got for me. I’m so jazzed about that! Also the Simpsons bar set. Heck yes.YEsssss! My MS Paint adventures are going to get better and better.For breakfast, we had animal pancakes and bacon.My dinosaurs, and Joel’s Maine animals (that’s a fox, a bear, and a moose. Thank you, Ikea cookie cutters!)yummmm (that odd pancakey mass is the pancake edging. waste not want not, and all)I want pancakes and bacon so bad right now. Also, pretty sure this breakfast made Joel a diabetic.Pumpkin Crunch Pie, in all it’s glory. Naomi Judd would be proud.When we got to Joel’s mum’s for lunch, it was about 90*F. /kill meChristmas grill day*!So stuffed. Everything on my plate was delicious. Except I was too full to eat the kebab. Damn. Also, that’s a cracker above my plate.The traditional Christmas storm finally showed up, and mercifully lowered the temps.Joel made more lorakeet friends.I traded in my ugly sweaters and snow for paper crowns and sundresses. Not too shabby.

It was a great day, all around. I got to see and joke and laugh with my family (minus my brother Shayne and his wife and kids, who were in Wisconsin), on Skype, and that made me feel better about being away from them. And spending time with Joel’s family was a nice substitute. It’s just good to be in a loud, crowded house with good smelling food on the holidays. It definitely makes it feel more like home.

We were stuffed and tired by the time we got home, which fit in well with our plans to pass out in front of Netflix. We did manage to fit in a cup of Swiss-Miss before we fell asleep, though. It was such a fat day of domestic bliss. I discovered that Christmas pudding is the best with ice cream and hot caramel sauce. And pavlova is not my thing. And that a summer Christmas isn’t terrible. I can’t wait to do it all over again next year!

But for now, I have to get back to more of this:

Ah, important news.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays, everyone! I hope yours was as fat, happy and sassy as ours.

*Australians call grilling out “barbecue”. So going to a barbeque means going to have food made on a grill, not a barbecue feast. I’ve given into “to-mato”, “zed”, and centigrade, but I can’t acquiesce to this. I’m too American, and to me, Barbecue will always be a style of meat prep.

Somewhere toward the end of November, our TV died. I’d like to explain that my absence here has been due to a TV-less Revolution that occurred as a result. That we picked up books and played outside and went on more after work adventures. In real life, though, we’re both so tired at the end of the workday that we just collapse into a Netflix hole while we’re huddled around my laptop. And since I hate using the Word Press app on my phone and my computer has been otherwise occupied, I haven’t felt the urge to write.

Losing our TV was sad, and we mourned its loss for many days. Mostly though, we just miss being able to hear movies at a decent volume (seriously, why is the volume so low Netflix and Amazon? Do you know I fall asleep to you often so you’re just being polite?). But, all was not lost. Joel got a great deal on a new TV through his job, and yesterday he brought it home. And it’s beyond fantastic.

Thanks, Santa!

Santa sent another something in the mail yesterday. I ambled over to the post office and picked up a HUGE box filled with Christmas cheer sent from my parents.

Thanks, Santas Turner!My Dad is a soaring Eagle of freedom, and so is JoelMaybe it’s a lie. Maybe it’s a collapsible Dyson. Or a pony.I’m 99% sure this is the annual White House ornament. We’ll have to wait til the tree opens it.Thanks, Henry!Mom knows it isn’t Christmas until there’s some country chic and dotty font involved. /shudder

I knew they were sending us a few things, but not a high chair box filled with stockings, wrapped gifts, and American tasty treats. I was overwhelmed with the gesture. I seriously have the best parents ever ( the best parents ever who have lived overseas before and who know how good it feels to get presents, haha) and I immediately felt bad that I couldn’t get a box out to them in time. That whole being unemployed for a month really kicked my Christmas budget in the butthole. I managed to get a couple things sent over in time, but they’ll at least have an awesome President’s Day box to open. I am nothing if not observant of all fine US holidays.

I knew this would be a weird/hard Christmas, as it’s the first one that I’ve ever spent away from my family, and it’s the first one I’ve experienced in summer. Because it’s been hot and sunny all December, and Joel has been working crazy hours, and I’m still new to the country, I tried to manufacture as much Christmas spirit as I could. I decorated my desk at work, and I participated in a couple of charity drives and Secret Santa (which, as a temp who knows no one, was just as awkward as it could be). Joel bought me a Christmas theme table cloth and every once in a while he breaks out into Mariah Carey. We had our tree party, and a couple presents stashed under there. It felt like Christmas, and it was pretty great.

Lego tree on Pitt St. You can see a koala peeking out in the top corner.

But it still felt so strange to be away from everyone. I knew I would really miss the Christmas traditions with my family–just as much as I’m going to miss my family. But, as all of my siblings grew up, got married, and started their own families, they started doing their own thing. We all make contact on the day, but it’s been about 10 years since all 6 of us have been under the same roof on Christmas morning. What’s remained constant is me spending the day with my parents. I cared less about the presents and more about the fatty fat breakfast skillets my mom makes, the endless coffee and mimosa refills, and spending the day hanging out in my pajamas watching movies and taking naps. (ok, I know that’s what I do every weekend, but it’s different on Christmas. Christmas makes it magical.)

800,000 calories of magic

But now, it’s time to do my own Christmas thing, and that’s awesome. This year is crazy special, because it’s the first Christmas Joel and I get to spend together. We have our pimped out little tree, and we’re going to eat dinosaur shaped pancakes and open presents in the morning before we spend the day with his mum and her family. I get to wear a paper crown. And I’ll be able to Skype with my parents as we open Dad’s traditional Duct Tape wrapped present and presents wrapped in Hanukkah paper (long story short, I used to get mistaken for Jewish, and it’s a thing in my family now). So I might not be with my family, but I’ll be with my family. My Joel family.

And when I manage to get my box shipped off, I’ll have awesome President’s Day presents with my family.

Or Valentines Day. /punctual

With that, I’m off to bake a pie and finish some errands. Merry Christmas, everyone!

I had a thought on Monday morning, as I was riding up the elevator to the office on the 19th floor, take away coffee in hand, ear buds in my ears, key card snapped to my jacket pocket, that it felt like one of those mornings you hear about just before a tragedy. A Monday morning so dull, so banal, and so routine that it was just aching to be shattered. Then I thought, yes, if this were a disaster movie, my elevator would stop suddenly and plunge to its and my death because a bomb had gone off in the building. Actually, I have that “elevator plunging to its and my death” thought almost every time I ride in that steel box. I’m afraid of heights and elevators, so working on the 19th floor is mildly traumatising. But yesterday, thinking about it felt a little darker. I made note of it as I stepped off the elevator, saying a quick thank you in my mind.

I forgot about that feeling as I got to work. Around 10:30 or so, my supervisor said, “Oh, there’s a guy in the CBD with a gun…” My immediate reaction, I’ll admit, was only mildly concerned. It’s the American in me who’s desensitised to gun violence, not even picking up on the fact that Australians don’t have guns. I was texting Joel, who works about 5 minutes away from the CBD (Central Business District), to let him know, when another coworker added, “And he’s waving an ISIS flag.” What? “Oh, he has hostages. He’s taken over a cafe and there’s an ISIS flag in the window!” warning signs went off everywhere in my head.

I flew to the news. When I saw the photo of the hostages with their hands pressed against the glass, underneath a flag with what appeared to be Middle Eastern writing, with headlines saying “SIEGE” “ISIS” “SUSPECTED TERRORIST”, my heart started racing. Mark me a reactionary American who grew up in the post 9/11atmosphere of paranoia and media spread fear, but at that moment, I was. I got scared. As objective as I try to be, I couldn’t stop thinking “oh fuck, what’s going to happen this time?” I glued myself to my phone, refreshing live feeds and fanning my internal hysteria.

I work in North Sydney, which is across the harbour from the CBD. I wasn’t near it, but I wasn’t that far. Joel was only minutes away from the scene. I was worried about how he’d get home, or if he’d end up on lock down like the rest of the city, or what if the gunman went on a rampage down Pitt St, or WHAT IF A BOMB HAPPENS?! THAT TWEET SAID HE HAD MULTIPLE DEVICES AROUND THE CITY!!

I was losing it inside. But my coworkers were remarkably calm. They’d get up to watch the helicopters that were circling low around the CBD, hands in their pockets, making “hmm, look at that!” murmurs. It wasn’t what I was expecting. I was texting Joel seemingly every 30 seconds, trying to formulate a plan for when the bridges were blown and we had to make it home. He assured me that I could probably just take a different bus route.

I had a doctors appointment after work, and I was sure it would be canceled. And I was surprised when appointments were still on, even though bus lines were being re-routed and terminated and traffic leaving North Sydney was being diverted.

So I left work early, planning to catch a ferry, assuming the cabs would be booked with frightened people trying to get home. Nope. There were a dozen cabs outside my building, like always. I flagged one down, hopped in, and the driver asked me if I wanted to cut through the city to get to Balmain quicker.
“Isn’t traffic through the city being re-routed?”
“For buses, yeah.”
“But I read that the bridge was closed to traffic because of the police lock downs.”
“But it’s quicker. We’ll go by bridge.”
The driver, who must have thought I was Canadian (no surprise there), spent the entire drive home blaming all the day’s mess on the United States. It was uncomfortable. I didn’t tip him.

When Joel got home, I’d never been happier to see him. But he had a little “what’s the big deal?” attitude. As he said, “our police are taking care of it. That’s their job, and they’re doing it. Everything is going to be ok.”

At the doctor’s office, no one mentioned it. When I said to my doctor, “crazy day, huh?” she gave me a confused look and said something about the weather being nice.

Walking down to the store after, no one was talking about it in the streets. Even with the radio DJ reporting the gun man’s demands of an ISIL flag and a meeting with Tony Abbott, everyone just went about their business. I only heard one woman talking about it, and she was chatting to someone on the phone, mostly laughing about how the gun man was “a complete nutter.”

I was beginning to feel alarmed that I had no one to share my panic with–besides my American friends who were checking in with me on Facebook, and my mom, who messaged me that she was looking up return flights to America for me (yes, I gently reminded her that America has had more terrorist attacks and more extreme gun violence than Sydney, and I was probably safer here).

Toward the end of the evening, the siege was still happening, and only a handful of hostages had been released. Our TV is broken, so we were hooked to our phones to give us news. And all the news did was give updates. Just updates. Nothing sensational. No terrorism segments. Real Tweets that debunked the audacious rumours I had read earlier. No “How to Spot an ISIS cell in Your Neighbourhood” specials. I felt like I should be panicking, but I was given nothing to panic about. After all, the second biggest story to the gun man was the “#illridewithyou” movement that was totally heartwarming. Joel explained to me that this is how Australians are. They don’t get riled up until there’s something to get riled about. I felt conflicted.

The conflict was bred out of knowing I should be frightened, and realising that I feel I should be frightened because, as with most people like me who grew up in military family, I relive the feelings from 9/11 whenever there’s a suspected terrorism attack. I wasn’t in NYC, but I lived 5 minutes away from a target (the NSA), and so many of my Dad’s friends and colleagues worked in the Pentagon. I relive the fear, the not knowing what will happen next, the wondering if everyone you knew made it out ok, and then, the proceeding years of growing up in a culture that simultaneously told you to fear/suspect and love/not judge Muslims. There I sat, looking at images of a flag and hostages and a gun man and I was shaking, trying not to be scared, trying not to leap to conclusions, while everyone around me seemed so sure that everything would be ok. But I know how not okay everything can be. I started to feel embarrassed, even though I knew, and Joel assured me, that I had nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s the most unsettling culture shock I’ve ever experienced.

In the end, there were no bombs, no terrorist group, no plot to take over the city. However, the gun man and two hostages were dead before the raid concluded just after 2 AM. And the next day at work, no one had anything to say about it. Everyone in the streets went hustling about their business. Memorials are planned for the fallen hostages, and insensitive people are being slammed for taking selfies at the scene. And that’s it. No extra security that I can see. People still crowd cafés. It’s just another day in Sydney.

Today, I nervously rode the elevator to the 19th floor. This time, feeling thankful for how ordinary and bland my morning felt.

We’re starting the month off on a good note down under. Bulleted for your convenience*

I got a job last week. YES! It’s a three month gig, possibly six months, and possibly longer. I’m well suited for it, my team is pretty cool, there’s a wellness room with couches if we need to take a nap, and I have the best view, ever, right from my desk.
Blimp!

It’s also one of the few jobs I’ve had where I feel like the company I’m working for is actually doing something. It’s good feeling, so I’m crossing every crossable appendage that this job works out long term… or at the very least, the 6 month long term. Not only is it nice to have steady income, it’s also really nice to be in the air conditioning during the hottest times of the day. Which is basically the best part of being employed.

our lease was renewed! Not that we had any real reason to believe it wouldn’t, but the building went under new management around the same time someone got evicted and two other neighbors moved out. So we weren’t sure if they were picking people off. Turns out they aren’t. And now we both feel like we can really settle in. Which means we finally get to put pictures on the walls! Huzzahhhh!

we bought a tiny tree, and had our Second Annual 40 oz Tree Party. Last year, Joel came to visit me for the month of November. One day while I was at work, Joel bought an awesome tree for my place. I was incredibly touched. So we got some 40’s, made Pigs in a Blanket, put on Star Wars, and had a Tree Party. It was a fantastic night.
#hersandhis

This year, we changed it up slightly. For one, you can’t get 40 oz beers here, and secondly, it was the day after Thanksgiving and we were still reeling from Wednesgiving, so we had tall glasses of Pink Milk instead. /wild. And they don’t sell rolled crescent dough, so we used real pastry dough. They ended up so rich, we could barely finish them.

pastry-snausage

And we watched Crocodile Dundee.

#wheninRome (when in Sydney?)Tree Master

hooray! We’ll get a bigger tree when we move to a bigger place. For now, this TECHNICOLOR TINY TREEpanda treetree after dark

It was fun to relive our little tradition. And it’s definitely feeling a lot like Christmas around here.

the last of my Stuff to Australia arrived! Granted there’s still 1/3 of a storage room with the rest of my life still in the States, this is the last of the homey stuff I couldn’t live without.
Thankfully, I only had to schlep this 30 lb box 1 block because we live next door to the post office.Pumpkin flavored everything #america. Also, that’s a sachet of tea, not pot.I brought out this canister and saw that it was oatmeal, and thought, ‘aw, that’s… cool?”And then I opened it and it was FULL OF REESE PUMPKINS. which is so much better than oatmeal.finally, I can catch up with my nearest and dearest.a smattering of books!d’awwwI can’t remember *not* sleeping with this blanket. It’s been in our family for just about ever. My dad used to take it with him on Army field expeditions, and it’s been on my bed for as long as I can remember. I about cried when I saw it.

So much cinnamon toast crunch. Merry Christmas, Joel!

Summer time! Sydney summer is a lot like summer in Florida. It’s humid from the moment the sun rises to the moment the afternoon thunderstorm hits. And watching the storms roll in from my desk is pretty choice.
All I do now is take photos of clouds and instagram them.