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When one visits the Ashram and is in the energy of the Avatar every experience and challenge is magnified ten fold. A normal week in my life back in Australia, I would experience a portion of what I experienced in a week at the Ashram. So my four weeks in Prasanthi was more like being there four months or longer.

My trip didn’t seem to begin anywhere in particular and nor did it end that I can use to write an ending for it. Instead I am left with a feeling of a continuance of ‘now’ being a moment in one place and in that ‘now’ I have just moved over to another place but that I am actually in the same now as when before I left.

I was tested greatly for my devotion and surrender from the moment I arrived in India. I handled all challenges head on with not a flutter or waver of an eye lid, and I felt anchored completely in my love and devotion to God with Faith and Trust in every experience … all except for ONE!

I had hoped and prayed that now after 15 years of devotion and spiritual growth I was ready to finally receive the one thing my heart only desired. That being a look from my beloved Swami, from His physical form. I really didn’t think I was asking for much. It wasn’t that I was going to give Him up if I didn’t get my look, but it would be my reward after these last 15 years of hard work and constant struggles to get here in my NOW. It has been quite a joke between me and Swami about this look that I urge for. And now it continues to be a joke.

I never got my look of course. And I did indeed throw the biggest tantrum at Swami for not giving me what I wanted, ha-ha. Very amusing to Him I am sure.

I left the Ashram actually not talking to him … turning my nose up and refusing to speak with him any more. I even told him a few days previous that if he does not give me my look I will use a different deity and he will be sorry. Of course I just heard Him on the inner laughing at me … “No matter what name or form you use, I am that! HA HA … oh dam you, I thought, well if you don’t come to the party on my last day at Darshen and give me my look then I will just ignore you and not talk to you, ever, so there!!!

Last day came, and I did not get my look … grrrrr, talk about throwing a tantrum.. I got into the taxi and headed for Bangalore airport with my nose in the air determined never to talk to swami again. But I felt him laughing at me all the way to the airport … then I got my boarding pass went through security and sat and waited at the gate to leave this all behind me. I hadn’t really thought about how or what I was going to do … but I couldn’t think about anything now or else I would have ended up talking to Him, so I stopped all thoughts in track, so determined was I not to speak to him.

Realising it was getting close to time for boarding I went to get my boarding pass and passport ready to go through the gate. I couldn’t find them anywhere. I ended up searching through all three hand luggage bags, stripping each bag bear and repacking it.

An Indian lady sitting near me was clutching hold of her passport and boarding pass, I look at her and knowing she doesn’t speak English I motioned to her that I could not find my ones. She looked horrified, and I was getting a little perturbed I must say… gees Swami what are you up to now I thought, where the bloody hell could they be, where have you put them , you’re just not playing fair here.

I finally went to the staff and explained my dilemma and in the end I had at least half a dozen people all searching with me to find the missing passport and boarding pass. Each one of us one by one, all went through the motions of searching through all my bags, then going to security then to the café where I had one cup of tea, then the toilet then back at the gate where I was waiting for boarding. Now we all did this, at least three times each that’s a lot of searching.

All the security searched security section, all café staff searched there and so on it went. Finally we had all exhausted all avenues of search and I sat down waiting for the inevitable outcome… what it was going to be… what the verdict was going to find me doing. Would they send me away, and would I have to go back to Puttaparthi where I at least know a couple of people. Would they let me on the plane and if so what would happen when I got to Singapore. I couldn’t see that being an option, not without my passport. So I had to wait now for the verdict. I wonder Swami what your up too … I wasn’t scared, nor worried, just wondered how it was going to end up, and what was going to happen next.

Well one of the security men who had helped me search came toward me motioning to me that he wanted to speak to me. Uh oh I thought, here it comes … as he started to talk in his broken English his phone rang and he spoke in Indian into it looking at me. He put the phone back into his pouch on his hip after he finished and began to tell me he had to take me to security, just then another security man came running out from security section calling me miss, miss, you must come, security now.

They both led me back to security. One on either side, talk about feeling a little like a criminal being taken to the gallows ha-ha. I was lead to a man in security uniform sitting at a desk in the security section. He was holding what seemed to be a passport against his chest and looking at me asked my name, I gave it and he peeked at the passport he was holding quickly then placed it back on his chest and asked my birth date. I gave it and again he looked and then pointed to my picture saying this is yours, Yes?

Oh Yes I said with much relief, and this he carries on is who took it isn’t it? and with that he pointed to the picture of swami I had in the plastic folder that held my passport in it … yes I said that bloody bastard has played me all along, the security men were all laughing, perhaps aware of swamis leela’s and happy to be a part of this particular leela. Where on earth did you find it I asked… oh he said, it was sitting here on the desk we don’t know where it came from, it was just here, we don’t know how it got here. It just arrived. They didn’t seem at all surprised at this happening when they saw swamis picture in it.

He handed it back to me and at the moment he put it in my hands I hear Swami loud and clear within … “So not talking to me eh … teehee … I made you talk to me didn’t I ha-ha, ha-ha. Well that was it I burst out laughing at my foolishness and stupidity and I have been talking to swami ever since. I am if possible closer to swami now than I have ever been in all the 15 years of my service and duty with him. Is that possible … obviously there is always room for growth of faith, trust and love, even when you think your all full up, you discover there is always room for more. The depth of knowing is endless, as is the depth of love and faith.

I don’t know if I will ever get my look from Swami, but that is not important now. Right now all that is important is that I am fulfilling my main desire, which is to be His instrument and angel of service. If I am to get His look, I will! If not I wont, it’s as simple as that. Not getting it, or getting it, is not going to change what is, and what is … is that I am His divine servant, purified and ready for all duty that He Wills.