I have tried in vain so far to get help for my past abuse. I have seen a psychologist on a weekly basis (which I still do see) but nothing seems to help. I'm actually sick of baring all to close friends and strangers so this is my last stop.

Here goes:

Im 20, I'm gay (this was a tough one to figure out) and well have had to deal with a lot.

I grew up in a very strict, christian upbringing in a small community. I was molested by a neighbour and my father (when he was drunk) who would also physically abuse me and who would lock me outside to sleep in the cold (during winter on many occasions). My parents have since divorced and I now live with my mother.

I have grown up with the drilled belief that sex is dirty and have, well, have experienced it as that, because of sexual abuse.

Last year I "came out" during my depression and lost many "friends" and was shunned by my family, except my mom who has adjusted well (for the most part). In my loneliness I planned on commiting suicide because the feelings were completely overwhelming. The day I planned to do it I walked into a dirty, public bathroom and waited for a sexual encounter (I wanted to die having had experienced a consensual encounter). Well sure enough a man found me there and stuff happened that turned ugly. I didn't want to go through with it but he was stronger, etc and yeah. I spent 3 hours in that bathroom stall, frozen in shock. Left, climbed a roof and sat, waiting for the right moment to jump. But I was too overwhelmed to throw myself off.

Needless to say, I pretended it never happened, boasted to my new out gay group that I was "all that" and lied about having many sordid encounters with guys. (I had never had experience other than the "rape" or the sexual abuse). And they believed me. I would spend many nights lying in bed imagining with disgust, and with cheeks drenched in tears, all possible ways of having sex and creating stories of boyfriends etc just so that I would fit into my new group.

I had a crush on my friend last year, he has had sex with 8 people and one day said to me that he could never date anyone who had not had had sex before/inexperienced etc and so I lied to him and said that I had had 6 boyfriends, etc. We started dating in January and are still together. Two months ago I told him everything that happened to me and that I had lied. He has been very supportive of me and has completely changed his outlook when it comes to these things. He told me he loved me (he also told me that he has never told anyone that, not even his parents) and I believe him.

Since telling him, I have only vented with him. We no longer have many fun moments together. I am depressed again. Every time I see him I think in awful detail how he's had sex with his "exes" and it reminds me of my own experiences. It troubles me to the core. I sometimes, ashamedly, want to break up with him because the mere mention of a name that correlates with one of those 8 people pierces me. I know that my words are emotive, but no one seems to get how bad I feel inside. I hate drama.

I'm really just looking for a friend who gets what it's like to experience horrific abuse. One who will not manipulate or judge me. One who I can listen to and talk to (well type to).

And so I hope I have found the right medium to do so with the people on here.

Thanks for taking the time to reading my story. As I've said, this is my last stop. The buck stops here haha

I'm slap dash in the middle of exams too! The stress is a major trigger for nightmares/flashbacks etc so studying feels pointless. (Im an A student regardless, although I did fail one semester test on a bad emotional day :\)

Its not easy and its not easy when you have had the tripple whammy of abuse, hyper religiosity , and incest. Fuck thats a lot.

Its going to take time, your brain is not yet completed developing. getting the shit out is great, replace it with non shit. perservere, you can do it, jump thru the hoops.

Feel entitled to feel as you feel and express your needs and wants. That part is tough tho when you have never been given or been able to develop those tools. it will come if you nurture that little guy who is still frozen from the winter abandonment of being truly cared for, scene and accepted. You WILL find that , we are out there.

Good luck in your studies, its impressive.

Intent backed by actions is all you have. That is what i have found to be my greatest new gift. It makes an impenatrable shield. If i act on my intentions then i know i my heart its all i can do. How it lands or is perceived is up to others, that's their shit. But That's the tough part, not accepting that you wanting to please people or wanting them to like you is your responsibility. It's not. Yet we own and feel hurt cuz that rejection stings us. We are all trying so fucking hard to even get back to normal.

I say let normal come to us, its their turn.

All the best bro,

cheers

grant

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The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

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