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Double Dating on Craigslist

So, back when I was in my early 30’s, I was still straddling the fence a bit between men and women. Wifesy hates hearing this, but it’s the goshderned truth. For me, the main problem with lady-gay was the round robin lesbians often played with their exes. Let me explain.

When you’re a lady-gay or a lesbo, even in a major city, there is a very small pool to pick from. After a few years, you kind of know who everyone is. So, unless you start dating from state to state or internationally there’s some crisscrossing of lovers. I call it the lesbian-lazy-susan.

It goes like this. You have a lesbian friend and you have your lady lover. Sooner or later – statistically speaking – your lady lover is going to be dating your lesbian friend. I absolutely HATED this. And then – gasp – when your friend and your ex start dating – YOU’RE ALL SUPPOSED TO REMAIN FRIENDS. Are you feckin’ kidding me? No way.

I suppose there’s something about the lesbo community that silently says avoid confrontation at all costs. So much so that they’re willing to let their lover who just broke their heart, date their feckin‘ friend, and then they will attend their ex and friend’s lesbian wedding like some kind of happy bridesmaid on the outside, totally destroyed on the inside – non-feeling zombie. Okay, maybe these lady-lovers are better people than me for keeping the peace, but no way, no how, could I do something like that. Impossible.

Here’s the way I feel about my exes – once we break up, you are dead to me. Unless you’re face down in the river, I don’t want to hear about you. I suppose I was sooo hetero in that way because burning everything belonging to your ex reminds me of Angela Basset in Waiting to Exhale. So, I’m going to say burning the bridge towards ex-land and then cauterizing the wound is a straight trait. It’s a straight trait I can understand. Due to this ambivalence, from time to time, I would give up with the gay girl “community” when it would get too pass-her-around for me. Instead, I would go out with my straight friends trolling for some boys.

Now, I never understood these guys emotionally. Almost never. And for me, FOR ME, that’s the disconnect that puts me in the gay column. It wasn’t the sex, it was the mind. For me, again only for me, the two never jibed – the sex and the emotion with the dudes and that bothered me. With the ladies, it did. And by the way, certain ladies. Not every feckin’ lady under the sun. I say that because the minute you say you’re a lesbo or in a gay relationship, everyone wants to say to you, “Hey, what about that ass on Angelina Jolie, huh? Isn’t it nice? Don’t you want to tap it?” Yes, I can appreciate her ass, but I can also appreciate Brad’s and no I don’t want to tap either of them. I don’t want to tap everything with a vagina. Sorry, but I don’t. Some vaginas actually totally annoy me like Snooki and Sam-Wow or whatever the feck her name is. So there.

One day, during this trolling for boys phase, I had an epiphany. My very close friend, Rayanne, had just broken up with her boyfriend and she was a mess. I wanted to raise her spirits, so I suggested she go on a date. Between sobs she indicated that she wasn’t ready, so I said, “What if I go with you?” And in a moment a plan was born.

What's the worst that could happen? Bwaaahhhhhhaaaahaaa.

The two of us were comedians and pretty ladies, if I do say so myself. (Hey, if you don’t like yourself, no one will like you!)

So, I sat with my broken – hearted friend and composed the following post for craigslist:

TWO HOT GIRLS LOOKING FOR TWO GUYS TO DOUBLE DATE – w4m

Her: 28, Russian-Jewish, but looks more Puerto Rican. The Puerto Rican lookin’-lady is hilariously funny and can do an impromptu, dead-on, imitation of Nancy Grace. The other her: 32, Irish-Colombian, but looks more Irish, yet not in a weird, inbred sort of way. The Irish lookin’-lady is hilariously funny and can charm the pants off a terrorist. We’re friends, best friends, AND NO WE’RE NOT GOING TO QUEER OFF FOR YOU. DON’T EVEN ASK. Next step: your pictures get ours. Pictures of your faces, please. DO NOT, WE REPEAT, DO NOT SEND US PICTURES OF YOUR D*CKS OR WE WILL FIND A WAY TO SEND THEM TO YOUR MOTHER. Looking forward to hearing from you.

Rayanne read the post out loud and I could tell from the twinkle in her eye that she liked it. We decided that I would do the email correspondence and Rayanne would do any talking on the phone. Rayanne is a genius on the phone, btw. One time, I listened to her call up Bed, Bath, and Beyond because she had blown off their delivery time for her order. B,B, & B are sticklers about you not missing your assigned delivery time in New York, so they won’t usually reschedule. But, Rayanne told them she was an 80 year old woman. EVERY time the customer service rep said she couldn’t reschedule it, Rayanne pretended that she didn’t understand in very loud, old person-ease. Her boyfriend and I were on the floor peeing with laughter and, of course, Rayanne got her order rescheduled.

I hit “continue” and uploaded our double date – Craigslist ad. Within about 30 minutes, my computer practically exploded with responses. I mean we received hundreds. Some were d*ck-pics and they were deleted after a glance and a snide comment for not following orders. Then I slowly worked my way through their faces. If I liked one, I’d shoot it off to Rayanne and she would give her yeah or neigh. We had such a blast doing this, I can’t even tell you. We went back and forth with the photos for days. Eventually, we got to the part where Rayanne needed to call a few of the guys on the phone.

And I’m going to leave this post at that…What happened after Rayanne called? Well, you’ll have to come back tomorrow and find out. This has been a Sweet Mother special episode capped off with a tantalizing “to be continued.” Does that infuriate you or get you excited? Tell me in the comments section, but please, no d*ck pics.

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102 thoughts on “Double Dating on Craigslist”

Le Clown: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”
Sara, from her office: “What??”
Le Clown:”Here’s the way I feel about my exes – once we break up, you are dead to me. Unless you’re face down in the river, I don’t want to hear about you….. ” “HAHAHAHAHA…. Sweet Mother is funny”.
Sara: “Haven’t read it yet, shut the fuck up, Le Clown.”
Le Clown

I am infuriatingly excited!
You made Le Clown guffaw in the other room. It was loud and hearty.
As for exes…bad news. With very rare exceptions, like when they can hook your forever-coupling up with a great apartment, they are not to be mingled with.
Though Le Clown is much better with my exes than I am with his. C’est comme ca, motherfuckers.

i can’t do ex. can’t do it. and i have a lesbo friend who always says to me, ‘i don’t understand why you can’t be friends with your exes…’ — i always think to myself, ‘i don’t know, if your country exiled you to siberia, would you still love it?’ she never understands the analogy. ok, maybe it’s not the best analogy, but honestly on this issue with her and i, it’s like we speak two different languages. i’ll never understand it. viva la differance, i suppose. sorry, i tried to get frenchy, but i’m rubbish at it… xo, sm

“Pictures of your faces, please. DO NOT, WE REPEAT, DO NOT SEND US PICTURES OF YOUR D*CKS OR WE WILL FIND A WAY TO SEND THEM TO YOUR MOTHER. …” I think I just wet myself … thanks Sweet Mother … thank you very much.

*considers* Yeah, you know all the friends I have who do the “friends with the ex” thing are either gay or bi. Interesting. (As with anything, I’m sure there is an exception to this, and some straight dude will pop up to say he’s always friends with his exes and likes to give toasts at their weddings.) As for the rest, I look forward to the follow-up tomorrow.

it could have something to do with the fact that in the gay community a group of friends is really important…i suppose because there’s a solidarity there, a whole there is strength in unity thing… maybe that’s why lesbees are so unwilling to harm anything that has to do with that relationship because they want the group’s love… i don’t know. just thinking out loud. glad you liked it tho, leta. xo, momma

glad you liked it, fabs. i know ‘to be continueds’ are IRRITATING, right? lol. i thought it best to do this one in installments though…hopefully tomorrow’s will be worth the wait. oh, the pressure, the pressure! ;) moms

so, true, pinky…and it could be a double entendre meaning the lesbo lazy susan that i explained above and/ or a lesbian named susan who’s just really lazy… tries to finger blast you with her toes or something bc she doesn’t want to get off the couch. too much? too much? i’m here all week… xo, momma

In a normal circumstance this would upset me to no end, but since we have a mutual hatred for ex’s I’ll let it slide, just this time. Kidding, you’re too hilarious to stay away from. Death to the ex’s, well imaginary death, because I hate funerals and it’s all about me. I can’t wait for the continuation. Cheers.

te, he. glad you’re still tolerating me. ;) i knew this would be a risky one. and i’m not changing my mind on the ex thing either. no way, no how. ;) hopefully installment two will work out…oy, the self imposed pressure. lol. xo, sm

I’m not sure what’s worse, the lesbi-polite-interconnectedness-web or how gay men’s ex’s become friends with each other so they can compare notes. I once walked into a bar a saw three ex’s together, none of which spoke to me.

you guys have a whole other thing going. because you still have a male’s sexuality. not that women aren’t sexual, it’s just a bit different. i say this bc i have a gay male friend who went over to his gay neighbor’s house to borrow a cup of sugar and then within mins they began schtooping. that rarely happens with lesbos – sometimes, but rarely – regardless of what the L word says.

I’m 11 hours ahead of EST so you can consider me to be “in the future”, yet where is part 2 of this? Can I livestream the next installment? :) (BTW, if I could’ve played the Super Lotto numbers from here, I would’ve. Damn.

so true, new friend, so true…and since i met my Californian-American Wifesy in Edinburgh, Scotland — I will forever be indebted to the United Kingdom. ;) glad to see you here and hope you come back for more, morag. xo, sweet mother

I’m one of these people who tend to take friendships and turn them into relationships so I try to keep contact if a relationship ends. Seems with men that they’re OK with being buddies until you meet someone else… odd that.

Lesbian-lazy-susan is awesome!
However, I have seen some exes turn out to be the most amazing friends. The Masshole is god mother to her ex’s baby (her ex is also one of my favorite people on earth). My ex of 6 years and I are close. She’s someone I need in my life and I adore her current gf. But I get that it doesn’t always work out that peachy.

seeeeee what i mean??!!! i do not have this chromosome. i am missing it. because for me, it hasn’t been possible, ever. you are doing the nice-polite-we need each other thing that i have NOT been able to muster not even with 1 of my last 4 girlfriends!!! i’m friends with some of the dudes, but maybe because it didn’t mean that much to me? i don’t know… xo, momma

This is my favorite post so far I think. Todd & I have observed this in our lesbian friends to the extreme of the new couple inviting an ex girlfriend to move in with them. Too far.

Being a straight, I went and married an ex. A’course the first time we went out was in high school, which hardly seems to count. Though he’s all emotionally sensitive and stuff so it probably counted a lot to him.

And then I have another ex boyfriend who, after we broke up, started touring with a certain power-lesbian music duo. Now that’s a guy I never understood emotionally!

wait was that jordan, the trumpet player who used to live across the street from us? did he go on tour with the indigo ladies? i’m so confused. and you and todd dated in high school too, dear god. well, you’re the ONLY ‘high school sweethearts’ i really believe in. for reals. and really glad you liked it, laur. you’ve been here since the beginning! the beginning – lol – oh, just a mere two mos ago. regardless, i am VERY thankful for that. as far as the lesbian ex thing, i can’t do it. can’t do it with any ex. my bro can, as we both know. but, i am absolutely not capable. not capable. ay yay yay, moving your ex in with you and your new partner???!!!!!! that’s nutso even for sf. xoxo, me

hahaha..so funny..the post for Craiglist was super funny…
“OR WE WILL FIND A WAY TO SEND THEM TO YOUR MOTHER. ” too good…
eagerly waiting to know what happened next.. a to be continued post ..thats so creative Sweet Mom :)

No need to explain but I will anyway, SweetSweet…cause I don’t want you to think Jots (as your adopted)…a liability or serial marriager. First Ex actually died, leaving me a young and very attractive (good for future adoptee purposes) widow. [snort here] Second Ex actually picked up on young and very attractive [your turn you snort], checked all the other boxes on the form, handed it in and said, “I’ll have that one.” In the meantime (the story goes) Ex2 duct taped all the light switches in the down position making my seeing “the light” long and arduous. But…himself forgot the automatic sensor on the night light and I finally saw the realness of living in the dark. Reading obits no longer a passion….just a hobby. Moral of story: hell if I know….just thought you might un-ice the frosting off my chocolate cake when I finally arrived home from camp and questioned my flashlight fetish…..

Good grief, this was hilarious, M. And, FYI — we of the ‘straight’ persuasion (the normal ones, anyway) feel exactly the same about “exes – once we break up, you are dead to me.” Not that I’ve had to worry about that for the past decade, but my sentiments exactly when I was in that single world. Shutter. BTW, the Angela Basset scene — ooh, just loved that righteous fury. Awaiting the next episode of Rayanne. :).

i love just about ANYTHING delivered with either the righteous fury of angela basset in waiting to exhale or cate blanchett when she confronts judi dench in notes on a scandal with her mascara running all over. gorgeous! gorge!!! can’t handle it, i love it so much. anyway, i’m so glad you liked the piece. and i’m so glad you feel that way about the exes. i felt so crazy for so long about it because a lot of peeps in the lgbt community, well, they handle that aspect very differently. much love, sm

I wait with great anticipation on the resolution of your post, and the high-jinx Woody and Sammy get into on Cheers. ‘Why the hell are you watching Cheers, Mike?’ You may ask. I have no effing clue. Claritin is mucking up my brain function.

Bad in the best way. :D
What is it with the d*ck photos? Guys send them to me on facebook all the time. Hi, want to be my friend? Here’s some nude pics of me to encourage you to make the best decision of your life. (not!)
The best one was a guy who sent me pics of himself nude apart from a druid cape, crown, sceptre and socks. wtf?????

omg, cauldrons, i nearly died at this, ‘pics of himself nude apart from a druid cape, crown, sceptre, and socks…’ i mean, the guy had some gumption. i’ll give him that…and probably a chill! looooollll. xoxo, sm

the d*ck pix were something to behold…for so many different reasons! loooool. ok, i’ve put a lot of pressure on myself for installment 2…hopefully, i can deliver… thanks for reading weebs. moms always likes see you here.

But I have to say, I think the reason a lot of lesbians stay “friends” with exes is because you kind of can’t help it. The “community” is so small that even in large cities, like NYC, you can’t avoid them. It’s easier to just keep it friendly….and then quietly cry your self to sleep. :P

This is awesome. :) Can’t wait for part deux. I understand your ex=dead thing, though I don’t follow it myself. Mainly because I have heavy baggage that most people find too hard to deal with. I understand that. If we communicate and we both know what is going on, I can live with it. If he was just an ass though, he’s gone.

heavy baggage, going through something big, or kids, i can understand a bit more. just doing it for kicks…i don’t get it AT ALL. but, again, ’tis only my opinion. and for me the healthy one. i’d hate myself if i stayed in touch with any of them and that’s the bottomline. xo, sm

My wife and I know another lesbian couple. Let’s call them Danielle and Jennifer (not real names). Back in the day, before Danielle and Jennifer got together, Danielle was in a long-term relationship with Noreen. Danielle then proceeded to leave Noreen for Jennifer. Danielle and Jennifer got married. (Yay Massachusetts!) Why, oh why, is Noreen at their house almost every day? Is it wrong for us to call her “Third Wife”?

And thank you for explaining the crazy lesbian dating scene so well. I may need to bookmark and refer back to this post when I try to explain it to my straight friends.

ooooooohhhhh, myyyyyy gooood, ‘THIRD WIFE’. loved, loved, only regretful that i didn’t come up with it first, ’cause it’s brilliant! yeah, i could never do that. i could never have the third wife around nor make one of my exes a third wife. i’d rather prostrate myself before the king. or something else, equally unlikely to happen, how about a snowball fight in hell… that’s actually more likely than me every being friends with one of my exes. loool. anyway, so glad you liked it, elizabeth. much love, sweet mother

The only good reason to allow an ex into your home is for purposes of gloating. For example, “Yeah, you cheated on my wife and left her broke, but now she’s married to someone 25 years younger than you and way hotter. Welcome to our home!” Not that I’ve ever done that. Nope.

You are so right about so many things.
Friends with exes? Totally freakin’ insanity-town.
Tapping Brangelina ass? Eh.
Can’t wait for the next installment. I’m secretly hoping it’s a collage of dickpics.

Oh so not fair Mum!!!!!! What if I get run over by a bus between now and tomorrow? -gasp- or what if /you/ get run over by a bus? Do NOT leave the house! That is an order. And while you’re there do not touch the stove, or the bbq or anything else that can be in any way fatal! If I do not read part 2 tomorrow you are in such deep doo doo you will never get out….

When you said no Dick pictures, what if the guy was named Richard and they called him Dick? What then, huh? Also, I did not understand the Lazy Susan part. Is Lazy Susan someone you dated? How was she lazy? Finally, I think you dissed men when you mentioned something about their brain or their mental capacity or something. I don’t remember quite what, but I feel dissed. Despite all of that, I laughed and will read the next installment, because that’s just waht I do when I read something hilarious and informative. All joy with whomever you fall in love with. Damn! I meant with whomever you fall in love. Damn prepositions are killing me. HF

Damn you to hell mother… now I’ll never be able to look at my lazy susan and not think of lesbians. Then, my mind will wander…. never mind. I’ll either eat more, or less, distracted by this. I hope you actually tracked down some of the dicks’ moms.

RAYANNE LIVES! loollll. the entire story is completed just hit ‘read more sweet mother’ for parts 2 and the finale. i have to say i kept it pretty true to form with the occasional flourish here and there and yet, somehow, still hilarious. xoxoxooxox, miss you, rayanne. miss you! xxoo

hey there, rawr, complaint noted! when i wrote these, i hadn’t written part 2 yet, so there was nothing to link to! they were episodic at the time, but now that they are all written, i should definitely link them up and will do so…thanks for reading and commenting. all the best, mother