39. Jimmy Tarbuck

Sage says he loves Welsh Cinema. Now we all know that they don’t have a film industry but Sage (the master of subtlety) is either a gross liar or totally mis-informed. I know what I’m going with!

It was somewhat unfortunate that Sage in his infinite wisdom brought up the Lockerbie air disaster on his show. I mean the show is supposed to be light entertainment after all. It was all I could do to stop myself slapping his face for bringing up the spinning Sporran… After all it did save my life! And as you are well aware of by now, I was thrown out of the doomed aircraft after I hid in the Scottish satchel… At the time I didn’t realize that Big Jim McTaggarts Sporran had properties outside the norm and that I was to land on an overweight Jimmy Tarbuck and damage him for all time.

I am so pleased that Fay Featherlight is getting his own show but Sage (in an unguarded moment) said that the queers are taking over the network. He even said that Graham Norton should take some of Van-Strapon’s Go Straight pills. He said that Norton should go to church and have the Vicar give him a good healing in the Vestry. The truth is I know the sort of healing Vic the Vicar gives and the contact is not the laying on of hands. Featherlight goes once a week and comes out in full flush….

Now I wasn’t going to bring this up but my quill is all a quiver and seems to have a mind of its own. The point about it is- Sage is apt to have sly digs with regard to my sense of dress. Now I know that my past dictates my sense of fashion but to be verbally assaulted by Sage in the last interview with regard my First World War shorts that I acquired from a Young Adolf Hitler. Well… It’s beyond the pale as it were. I mean has the man absolutely no sense of history? Would he stand there and laugh at Stonehenge? Of course not! My wonderful mind control mentor Paul McKenna is in full agreement. He has given me some new mind control exercises to protect me from the infidel mentality.