not a real newspaper

Every Silver Lining Has A Cloud

Damn auto-correct. Of course that title is meant to read ‘Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining’. Because I’m a ray of fucking sunshine and only see goodness and light. (Shut up you at the back. I’m trying to curate an online presence where people seek me out for the sheer joy I bring to the world. If I stood by every Freudian slip that exposes my pessimistic bitterness, my readers would go get their fun elsewhere).

So what particular silver linings am I referring to? Well, I’m now into my third week of Influenza. The Flu. Don’t tell me it’s probably just a cold. I upgraded to Defcon 3 within the first 4 days, we’re way beyond the humble cold virus here. But as The Lockwood Echo strives to find humour in the dark, even after the last spare battery has died and something unseen keeps blowing out the candle, the search was on for any chink of positive light. An upside, some hope, a reason to crawl on to a new dawn.

And, you lucky people, here it is. From the depths of discomfort, I’ve found some agreeable side-effects to mitigate the misery;

Stomach toning exercise: Dragging your left lung up and out of your right nostril isn’t without its benefits. The continual contraction of those stomach muscles are defining themselves into a six-pack with every hack. Although, you may find yourself with a seven-or-more-pack as the strain of all that coughing is likely to make at least one of those muscles rip itself in two.

Introvert Heaven: Larynx inflammation renders it pointless answering the phone, even if you wanted to. Although your inner vixen hears your strep throat with husky undertones, your vocal chords are delivering ‘donkey on 60-a-day’, and no-one wants to hear that. And no-one wants to see you with snot in your hair, so best you stay indoors where introverts belong.

Drugs: Although not strictly recreational, all that Benylin and Paracetamol can start to make you feel woozy. And that’s a damn fine feeling when your face is pulsating under the weight of 7 gallons of mucus. So whilst every cell in your body is thinking up new ways to die, enjoy the delirium, kick back, let yourself be entertained by those flying pink elephants.

Dereliction Of Duties: However incapable capable you are at grown-up life whilst well, that ability will take a nosedive during a period of illness. You can therefore hardly be blamed for deserting your post as wife/husband/significant other/mother/father/domestic goddess/airline pilot. Your capacity to make decisions/make dinner/make away with the postman will be significantly diminished, so it’s best you don’t even try, rather than make a fool of yourself. Fortunately, what little emotional and physical strength you have will suffice for survival during these dark days. Just enough willpower to clean your teeth, so that the fur growing in your mouth isn’t harbouring new lifeforms. And just enough strength to stir a rehydrated pot of sloppy food and press buttons on your tv remote.

So if you’re currently poorly, especially if like me, you have Influenza with a capital ‘I’, I hope these observations have brought you some encouragement and made you feel a little bit better.

If you’re in need of a cure for something nasal in nature, may I direct you to the rather intriguing yet torturous apparatus known as the ‘Neti Pot’. I have never heard of one, but Cecilia over at Fixin’ Leaks and Leeks has written and ILLUSTRATED WITH CAVE PAINTINGS everything you need to know about the Neti Pot, its benefits and how not to use it;

‘However, Nate did not trust my water-boiling skills because he’s seen me shout, “close enough!” when making eggs.’

A very funny read indeed. Have a look round while you’re there, this lady knows how to tell a humorous tale.

As lighthearted as this post is, I genuinely wish a speedy recovery to anyone reading who is under the weather or suffering with ill-health. Be it short-term or long-term, may there be many silver linings. Wishing you all well.

If you enjoyed this post, consider sharing it with your friends, family, neighbours, that bloke you met on holiday. We all need a giggle. There are little buttons below to make that task easy for you. If you didn’t enjoy this post, do pop your thoughts on a postcard, then make yourself eat it.

The real deal flu is the WORST. It makes me crazy when someone has a cold and they go around telling people, ‘Oh, I have the worst flu!” even though they’re standing upright, lightly dabbing at their non-destroyed nostrils with a tissue, in daylight, not half-corpse. The flu will knock your ass out for a month.

Hope you feel better soon, and thanks for giving me a good laugh after a long day. 😁

I’ve never had a flu jab. Here they are offered to anyone who is vulnerable such as diabetics, elderly and for care workers etc. That sucks that that you are allergic to them. Fingers crossed it’s a congenial mix this year! I’m hoping to never be normal, but thankyou for the well wishes 😉

Hahaha! I’m sorry you feel like crap but thank you for putting such a hilarious spin on it. And yes, Neti pots rock! I call it my nose teapot, my kids are grossed out but it works like a charm! Feel better soon!💕

The comments on the Neti Pot post confirm it a winning contraption. I’ve never ever heard or seen of such a thing. It was crying out to be included here. Perhaps one would have cured me of my ills, but I am at least on the mend. Thankyou so much for stopping by and commenting 🙂

Great post! I hope you are feeling better soon. I’m feeling a lot better, but my ears are clogged now and I’m talking very loudly as a result and asking everyone around me to repeat things at least ten times. The TV must be on full blast in order for me to hear it. I just went back to the doctor, who told me to take Sudafed and Flonase. So, this time the neti-pot will not be used. I’m hoping the Sudafed works.

Hope you’re feeling better about the time you read this, which might be a couple of days after Defcon 3. I’ve been in “Rams play on Monday night!” mode then “Recovering from the Rams playing Monday night” mode for a couple days, the latter of which is a whole lot like self-imposed influenza.

Speaking of which, I usually catch a bug about now every year so stay tuned for that. My sick usually goes like this, even if its minor: “I can’t live!” on day one. “I feel worse today,” on day two. “I’m not really getting better,” on day three. “I’m gonna drink this away,” on day four. “Ah, back to normal!” on day five.

I like your tactics Tom. Sound medical advice there. Hope any bug that comes your way skips Days 1 to 3, so that you can get on with the serious business of Day 4. Cooking in our house is usually just rehydrating stuff or heating stuff up in the microwave. Difficult to get out of such minimal duties, but my partner has been brilliant. Especially by not baulking at the sight of me every time our paths cross!

You are hilarious! I do hope your 7th ab is on the mend! HA! Don’t know how I have managed to do it but for the past couple of years I have not gotten a cold or the flu! I surely just jinxed myself. If I am to be struck, I will reference your fabulous tips! So freaking funny! Hope you feel tip top again, soon!

Ooh, what’s your secret do you think? Here’s to a flu free 2018 for you. I rarely get a bug, but the ones I get are always worth having. Tip Top may be a little way off yet, but I’m upright and functioning, thankyou. 😊

I hope you are feeling better today. If not, I’ve had great success in treating the flu with ginger. The mixture is equal parts ginger and peppermint with just a little licorice. (Natural licorice if you have it) it tastes horrible but it’s always shortened my recovery time.