Stories, rants and reflections by a clueless father of three

Our Drama-Filled Adventure to Tarzan Falls

I confess I’m not the world’s most outdoorsy person. Kayaking? That’s a sunburn waiting to happen. Camping? My bed works better.

Left to my own devices I’d spend a perfectly good Saturday on the couch setting my fantasy football team, watching HGTV and eating copious amounts of Cinnamon Life. Now that’s living.

But alas! My wife is a planner. She is outdoorsy. And she is a big fan of mandatory fun.

She’ll want to spend her entire Saturday doing something intrinsically senseless like picking apples or cutting down a Christmas Tree. Apparently these activities are far more exciting than the football matchup I wanted to watch between the Central Michigan Chippewas and the Oklahoma State Cowboys. I digress…

Well, on tap this weekend was a trip to a place called Tarzan Falls. Like, for a hike.

As always, I tried to bargain. What if instead of going to Tarzan Falls we watch the movie Tarzan instead??? In the end we compromised… and went to Tarzan Falls.

As with all directions on this island, the directions to Tarzan Falls lacked street signs, an address, and visible markers. We were literally told to take a left out of our neighborhood, then “go till it gets kinda forest-y,” and then look for the shoes hanging from the telephone wire. Then, of course, you’re there.

In preparation I drank three cups of coffee. Which is where this whole adventure begins…

Three minutes into the ride over and we need to stop. Like right now!

And so there I was, on the side of the road. Going to the bathroom in a sea of painful prickly bushes and bracing for a tree snake attack while the rest of my family laughed from the car. Guess you could say it was your standard car ride…

We arrive at Tarzan Falls around 11am and I waste no time taking an insane amount of pictures so my Facebook friends will think we do this kinda stuff every day. Smiles kids!

Jackie is sporting the brand new workout shoes she (ahem, we…) just bought in order to replace the older ones that had mud and dirt all over them. That will become important in a moment…

Okay moments up. Jackie’s new shoes were drowning in mud and dirt no more than 100 yards into this adventure. AND THIS IS WHY WE CANT HAVE NICE THINGS.

In fairness, I suppose we all underestimated how insanely muddy this trek would be. So much mud. And sitting water. And more mud.

Coming Soon: There Will Be Mud

The kids waste no time reminding Jackie and me that we’re legit tyrants. “It’s so hot,” “I’m so hungry,” and “I can’t walk anymore.” Not even ten minutes in and all the kids are apparently going to die.

The good news is there are some pretty cool things to point out along the way.

Like…

Stunning views of Guam

And even more importantly…

A “Prince” Frog!!!

It was all fun and games until our 5 year old daughter slipped and fell into the mud. I don’t have a picture of this particular moment, but what follows should give you a good idea of how this went down:

MUD!!!!

Others would soon follow suit. Slip, fall, mud, tears. Repeat.

Eventually we make our way down the steep hills. The blood sweat and tears were all worth it when we got to this:

And did this:

And this:

One more:

After lunch it was time to head back.

The hike back up was tough, no doubt. The kids noted that the trek was “soooo far,” and that they were “soooo tired” and inquired into exactly when we would “finally get to mommy’s car.” My personal favorite? “I’m not hydrated enough to take another single step!”

Try not to die, kids…

Then we hit a swamp. The kids walked around it in painfully slow fashion until my quick-thinking wife convinced them there was an alligator in there. Speed-walking commenced.

We finish around 1:30. Two and a half hours of Guam-inspired mandatory fun.

Honestly? It was a blast! And perhaps somewhere deep down I really am an outdoors-y person.

But for today, I’ll be watching the Indiana-Ball State Football Game and eating cereal on the couch while my wife does laundry.