Entries Tagged as "Basics of Type"

My son’s girlfriend, Amy, is an ISFP. One night last summer, my son
made a fire in our fire pit and we were all sitting around admiring it.
“There’s a trick to making a good fire,” said my son. Amy jumped up and
said, “Show me.” Pretty soon she was helping him move logs around the
fire and collect sticks from the woods.

That struck me. It’s rare that people show that much interest in
other people’s activities. Even if we think it would be nice to know the
trick to a good fire, most of us would probably just ask. Getting up
from a comfortable chair to actually participate in fire-making, well
that’s something very few of us would do.

You might think it’s because she’s in love, but I see her do it with
everyone. With my daughter – a real foodie – Amy has long, animated
conversations about good restaurants. Even with our family on New Year’s
Day, Amy seemed to really enjoy listening to us read out the family
memories of the year that I have been recording each month, and asked me
questions about how I keep the records.

Amy reminds me of two of my friends who are also SFPs. Over the
years, I have always been impressed with how “present” they are. When
they are with me, they seem to be completely with me. The attentive,
happy look on their faces makes me feel like there is nowhere else
they’d rather be, and they are just having a marvelous time.

If I suggest an outing or a get together, they are always up for it.
Whatever is going on in the moment is the most interesting thing in the
world to them.

They are both mothers, and when I used to watch them with their kids,
I’d think, “It must be nice to grow up with someone who looks like she
just loves being with you, and would not want to change a thing about
you,” because that is just the vibe they sent to their children. My SFP
friends send that vibe to me as well. When they leave, I always feel as
if I am perfect just the way I am.

I wish I could return that vibe. Unfortunately, there is one thing that I would really like to change about them.

That sensing and perceiving ability to enjoy the present moment, to
go with the flow, to adapt to what is in front of you, can be a real
handicap when the flow is going in a bad direction. Over the years, I
often heard my SFP friends complain about the way they felt in their
marriages. I can’t count how many times I said to them, “Did you tell
him? Does he know?”

They never did tell them though, and over time things built up to a
point where it became intolerable for them, and they suddenly walked
out. Their spouses were completely shocked. The children were too, and
took sides with their dads, and my friends are now, for the most part,
alone.

I could never understand why they never said to their husbands, “This
is the way I’m feeling when I’m with you,” or “This is what I need and
am not getting.” I also didn’t understand why they never confided their
feelings to their children. But I realize now that talking about
negative feelings is a lot easier for me than for them.

We both share the feeling types’ dread of confrontation, but being an
intuitive, I’m more comfortable with language and discussions about
anything. The secret to initiating a difficult conversation is finding
words that aren’t going to bring retaliation on your head, and even
though I tried to give my friends examples of things they could say to
their spouses, like, “When you said that, I felt unwanted,” they didn’t
seem to trust words or expressing vulnerability. It was more natural for
them to express their feelings in sudden and dramatic action.

Part of the reason they didn’t trust words may have been that they
both had a history of getting “out-talked” by their husbands and being
confused and silenced by them, whereas no one has ever been able to
leave me at a loss for words, at least not for long.

Also, being a judging type, I’m more comfortable with directing the
action than going with the flow. I believe that bad things just keep
getting worse unless you do something to stop them, whereas my friends
seemed to believe that if they just waited long enough, things would
sort themselves out on their own.

Thank goodness that Amy, my son’s girlfriend, doesn’t remind me of my
friends in that way. When my son has done something thoughtless and
bone-headed, she tells him soon afterwards, in a nice way, that the
action hurt her, and they talk it out. Amy only reminds me of the things
I love about my SFP friends - that it’s wonderful to be with someone
who thoroughly enjoys you and whatever you are doing.

I am in the midst of a merge – a merge of stuff from an ESTJ and an
ENFP. My ESTJ view of stuff – keep it because it’s useful and
practical. The ENFP’s view of stuff – keep it because it has potential.
Altogether, we have too much stuff!

And as an INTJ friend
pointed out about our problem of “too much stuff” – “this is a first
world problem!” That really puts it in perspective!! I should quit
complaining about his stuff, but please indulge me a bit.

One
of the many fine qualities I admire in ENFPs is their sense of adventure
and in trying out new things. However, I have also discovered that
when this applies to condiments, a problem occurs.

Where do you
put the millions of bottles of condiments related to adventures with
the palate? How do you even locate the right bottle to use among the
collections in the refrigerators and cupboards?

How many kinds of
mustards does one really need? Are eight kinds of vinegars that
essential? What on earth would some of those bottles add to the taste
buds?

One friend suggested I sneak a bottle out a night and throw
it away. However, it is difficult for me to throw out something
already purchased and that has not yet passed its “sell by date.” And
taking the time to empty and clean the bottle before recycling it…well
that might be noisy and my plot discovered!

Another friend began
looking for “use it up condiment” books for me, but finding none,
located instead some websites with many suggestions. I went grocery
shopping with her recently and she kept pointing out foods to buy that
would use dipping sauces. Trouble is there is only so much dipping one
can do and it takes numerous meals to get through those bottles.

And
besides the condiments, think of merging spices!! Some were easy to
throw out because they were long past their “sell-by” date, and spices
do lose their potency.

Another sure sign was turning the bottle
upside down. If it didn’t move, the spice went. Actually I took a
knife and loosened up the spice and dumped it into a big bowl. That was
kind of satisfying. Different spices have different colors, textures,
and smells. (No, I did not taste them!)

Three large mixing
bowls later with dozens of spices gone, the remaining ones were still
too many. However, as much as I love to sort and categorize things, I
was done. I gave over cupboard space to extraneous spices. Some acts
of sorting just take too much time and energy!

He (the ENFP)
took the bowls and since they were organic material threw them on his
lawn. He has sold his home and we do not plan a return trip to see what
has sprouted (or been killed by this act).

So I am trying to
develop my NFP side and be open to other possibilities for condiments
and spices – at any quantity. Send me your suggestions, please, along
with step-by-step directions!!

We just got back from visiting four National Parks in Utah. I was amazed by the spectacular sights we saw, like the towering rock walls in Zion, and the strange looking “hoodoo” rocks in Bryce Canyon.

I was even more amazed, however, that we could spend eight days traveling with another couple, and at the end of the trip, be even fonder of them than when we began.

I proposed a toast to the other couple at the end of our Utah trip, and I gave them the highest compliment I can give someone. I told them they were “easy” people.

We spend a lot of time talking about difficult people, and they are obviously on our minds more than easy people. This time, however, it was easy people who were on my mind. What makes a person easy, I wondered?

It’s not their types. The man we were traveling with is an ISFJ, and his wife is an ESTJ. ISFJs can be over-sensitive and anxious in new situations. He was not. ESTJs can be controlling and critical. She was not. In fact, if I had not known their types from years ago, I would have had a very hard time figuring them out. They were clearly mature people who had learned to control the negative tendencies of their types in consideration for others.

We had a lot of time in the car and at dinner to talk. We all told anecdotes about our work, relationships, and past vacations, but our friends made sure that everyone got equal talking time. They had traveled extensively, so their stories were interesting, but if they had talked for a while, they would ask questions to get stories from us. When it came time to listen, they showed interest, and let us know that we’d been heard.

They made no demands on us, like keeping us waiting, being inflexible or making us listen to bickering between spouses. They looked after our needs, making sure there was a Diet Coke in the backpack for me every day, for instance, and that our hikes were easy enough not to hurt my husband’s knees. If there were plans to make, they made sure we were involved in the decision-making. When we did something for them, we were heartily thanked. They remained calm and good-natured even when circumstances got trying, like standing in the sun waiting for a bus to the rental car center, or when we couldn’t buy a package of Tums because the local Mormons don’t open their shops on Sunday. They smiled and laughed often, bringing sunshine to our group, and to the taxi drivers and other tourists we met.

Social scientists have found that one of the key ingredients to our success as a species is our ability to cooperate, and we’re able to cooperate because we have an instinctive desire to reciprocate, to return “tit for tat.” Think about how hard it is not to return a smile with a smile, or a frown with a frown.

On our Utah trip, it was all kindness being volleyed back and forth. Our friends were thoughtful and respectful in their words and deeds, and it was easy to send that back to them. That’s what we mean by “easy” people, I guess. They are skilled at keeping the cooperative ball in play.

On this trip, I was amazed by how beautiful nature can be, but also by how beautiful people can be. We all have them in our lives - people who are easy to be with - and every once in awhile, we should probably spend some time thinking about them, learning from them, and thanking them. After all, it’s not easy to be an easy person, it takes practice, and they deserve something extra in return for the extra they give - tit for tat.

These past few months have been full of reunions. For me as an ESTJ,
one of the nice things about reunions is that they are planned, and I
can schedule them well in advance. As a “Planful J” on the MBTI® Step
II™ assessment, planning leisure activities is a joy for me.

First,
there was the reunion with the JMK Club (Jean, Mary, Kay), three of us
who grew up in the same neighborhood in the 1950s. The ENFJ, Mary,
organized and hosted it on Sanibel Island, Florida, a place we had spent
several Christmas holidays together as children. That was the time
when you had to take a ferry to get to the island; all the island
merchants donated gifts so that each child there at the holidays got a
present.

Mary had rented a house for six weeks and scheduled in
multiple groups. She knew the best times to go out to eat and to see
local events. She was an incredible hostess as extraverted Feeling
types usually are!

My sister, the INTJ, was grateful for Mary’s
understanding of her need to have alone time. We two Extraverts often
went off on our own, biking to different spots on the island. We struck
up conversations with people wherever we were that led us to new places
to explore.

Next was a college reunion in Grinnell, Iowa.
Given that I’m an “Intimate Extravert,” I had chosen to stay in a
B&B with another college friend, away from the larger group of
classmates. We had time for quiet talks.

Then I had a reunion with the group I met in Australia celebrating my Aussie friend Judy’s 60th birthday (see my Gifts Differing
blog post on that one). We live in five different countries and have
since met in France, the Netherlands, England, and this summer in North
America.

Yes, everyone had taken the MBTI instrument and that was
quite helpful in planning. All were Extraverts with the exception of
one, so we made sure there was lots to do. And all were Judging types
with the exception of the ESFP, who went along with anything. I had the
schedule posted on a large piece of flipchart paper at the front door
with both open times and scheduled events.

Next up was the MBTI
User’s Conference in England, which served as a sort of reunion,
because I saw many of my MBTI friends from years past when I used to do
trainings in England. Like many MBTI conferences, there were lots of
Intuitives present, so it was interesting to see what’s new on that side
of the Atlantic. (Check out OPP’s blog for postings on my keynote there.)

Then
there was my partner’s family reunion at the Lake Mansfield Trout Club
in Vermont. It was fun seeing a new set of family traditions in a place
steeped with traditions of its own (like a conch shell being blown
three times in three directions to announce meals – perhaps this doesn’t
scare the fish!)

Tired yet? Next was a reunion with several
high school friends in Galena, Illinois. They are all Feeling types,
and we shared family stories and what it means to be our ages in our
stages of life (see my recent blog post Caregiving). Then I visited my 100 year old father, an INTJ (see My INTJ Father), and had the experience of watching him being filmed for a Korean TV show on nutrition.

It was on to Dublin, Ireland from there for an annual summer institute based on the theories of psychiatrist Alfred Adler (see my blog post on The Crucial C’s).
At that one, those who attend who do know the MBTI usually have NF
preferences. There were lots of activities, possibilities, insights,
etc.

Next was a reunion in southwestern Kansas for my Mother’s side of family (see the Synchronicity and Kemp Ridley Turtles post for a story of one uncle). Yes, at one family reunion years ago, everyone took the MBTI assessment with a mix of types.

Several
aunts (Ruth, ISFJ and Verna, INFJ) had died in the past year and were
remembered fondly in memorial services by their children. Aunt Verna
had figured out a way to lure family back to the farm in (a rather
desolate part of) Kansas—just put in a swimming pool and float big
tractor tire inner tubes to keep us visitors entertained. We swam again
in the pool and retold stories.

I feel blessed to have so many
connections with so many people; knowing their types adds to that
blessing. And note too that this post became a reunion of blog posts!

I am at the age where many of us are struggling with caring for our
parents, either from long distance or from up close and personal.
Recently the mother of one of my long-time friends (of 50+ years)
suffered a health crisis. Other friends have chimed in offering long
distance support.

Here’s one of the emails she got (with names
removed) from our friend Elizabeth, an ESFJ. Elizabeth, who has a
Master’s degree in audiology, was her parents’ primary caregiver for 18
years. I have Elizabeth’s permission to print it.

“...thanks for keeping us in the loop...I'm glad your mom is
home and I can only imagine how hard that was for your dad and your mom
to be apart that long [first time in 67 years]. I guess it is a
testimony to something...no matter how cranky our parents can get with
each other (and mine certainly did get that way at times) they are
anchors for each other.

I'm sure your mom is facing a lot. I
know there were plenty of times I didn't understand my mother's lack of
enthusiasm or even interest in doing things that might have made her
life "better" ...I think at some point I finally got a glimpse that she
had lost so much of her life as SHE wanted it that "improvements"
weren't her focus.

I would sometimes have to tell her that if
she didn't have the strength to help get out of her wheel chair that I
would no longer be able to care for her at home...it was true and
sometimes motivating to her.

In the end, I had to accept the
fact that Mama wasn't really working to get better or to make it easier
for me. She was on her own path and not one that I always loved even
though I always loved her.

I remember clearly the day I called my
brother in California in tears and told him I couldn't do it any
longer...Mama had spit out her daily pills....I was so frustrated at
what I saw as her non-compliance. The truth was that she was done and I
just wasn't programmed to get that message because of my own plan for
her.

I think it is hard for us in our good health and relative
youth to imagine what life might look like from their perspectives...I
think Mama was so depressed with all she couldn't do that she didn't see
the glimmer of what might be possible. It is a hard place for them and
hard for us caregivers.

I totally get the frustration and the
difficult part you and [your sisters] are sharing. I literally spent the
first five years of my caregiving being mad...mad at my sister for not
helping and mad that I couldn't reshape my parents into the people I
needed them to be.

I didn't like the realities of the
caregiving....I fought how hard it was. It wasn't until year 6 that I
regrouped and figured out that caregiving was what I was doing and once I
really embraced that it was easier....and even though it seems like it
will go on forever, it won't….”

I am blessed with these friends who live their empathy, who are
willing to readjust their thinking, and who provide love to those around
them.