Wednesday, February 23, 2011

this is a special posting - though certainly not due to the resolutely non-committal job title
Marketing Specialist

also, cliches, bad grammar, run-on sentences and subject / verb disagreements are wearyingly common (too many to highlight, below. just read it outloud and see if that sounds like any actual english-speaking person speaking actual english).
We are looking for a TALENTED and HARDWORKING individual responsible in the developing and evaluation of effective lead measurements and produce metrics for return on marketing projects analyses and data collection. Our trainee will assist in our 360 lead funnel solution. Serious compensation. base salaries, bonuses, commissions, overrides, closing commissions. Growth compensation.(i get paid to get fat?)

but no, no the true beauty in this posting is the picture - the picture of the boardroom with the portrait of a dude.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

and - after the customary typo in the second sentence (POSITVE ATTITUDE) - this one has all the usual "customer focused, results-driven, committed to delivering the highest level of customer service while exceeding goals" blather, but then this mystery:

INTERVIEW GUIDELINES
Please allow 2 to 3 hours for the interview.
Wear business attire. Khakis, full length slacks or business skirts.
NO Excessive jewelry. NO visible tattoos or piercings.
Bring two IDs.
Please bring a copy of your resume.
Business etiquette required.
CANDIDATES WHO ARE NOT DRESSED APPROPRIATELY WILL NOT BE INTERVIEWED.
______

see, this is for a telemarketing firm that sells fucking cable subscriptions. the fuck are you going to talk to a prospective telemarketing job candidate about for three hours? and that excessive jewelry? those tats??? who's going to see that? and this education that we might or might not believe in? how is that fucking involved with selling cable fucking subscriptions??oh and yeah. $8.50-11 per hour.

The first indication of how appropriate you may be for this job with this small friendly importer will be your ability to follow instructions. (See below.) We are a small, high-level professional staff that runs very efficiently and are interested in exceptional applicants who enthusiastically want to contribute to our business, while learning many skills in logistics, marketing, customer service and general business. This position involves phone answering, filing, data entry, spreadsheets, customer service, shipment processing as well as several other tasks. You should be the kind of person who takes pride in any job, and always wants to do it well, with a positive attitude. Your phone manner should be friendly, smooth and articulate. We need you for 3 full days a week, 9-5, and consider this position permanent part-time. Because training is involved, we would like a person who would like to stay for a year minimum.

The pay is $11 per hour. well for starters, for $11 per hour you don’t get to fucking talk to me that way.

Since we have gotten hundreds of inappropriate resumes from Craigslist, please follow these instructions. sorry about all that, but craigslist is well, craigsfucking list. You paid $25 for this posting. Maybe if you want higher quality postings you should hook up with ‘the ladders’ or something?

1) Do not randomly post a reply to this ad. You won't be considered. What does 'randomly post a reply to this ad' even fucking mean? reply to the ad you placed on craigslist? what, are people linking to ‘keyboard cat’ or something?

(just in case and if you haven't, you really should):keyboard cat
also: this is an $11 an hour job. Blow me.

Write a cover letter (without spelling errors) that convinces us why we should consider hiring you. this is an $11 an hour job. Blow me.

we know you want to further your career or improve your skills. this is an $11an hour job. Blow me.

What do you have to offer us? this is an $11 an hour job. Blow me.

Sales skills are important. Persuade us. this is an $11 an hour job, etc.

(If you do not include a cover letter, your email will be deleted.) Your cover letter should be "embedded" and be in the body of the email NOT an attachment.as opposed to being embedded and not being in the body in the email? seriously, live by the sword, die by the sword motherfuckers.

The cover letter should be tailored to this particular job. If you can't make the time to do this, then you aren't making the effort required for the job. what amount of effort is worth an $11 an hour job we wonder?

2) You must have office experience. If you don't, please don't apply. You should also have a college degree. college degrees at private universities cost somewhere around $35,000 annually. you are offering us around $12,100.

3) We care about attention to detail. That means we will be looking at your cover letter and resume as evidence of your meticulous nature. Don't include spelling errors. Make sentences grammatically correct. so, for instance, don’t use 'understood predicates' in a formal job posting as you have in the above sentence?

Format nicely, this is indicative of your computer skills. formatting in word 2003 is not really indicative of our computer skills.

We deal with a high-end clientele who cares about these things ok so Grammar Chick here: you are restricting a category in the above sentence. You need the relative pronoun ‘that’ not 'who'. also: 'high end clientele sounds like eliott spitzer.

4) We would prefer all resumes to be in the body of the email as well. But if you must send it as an attachment, we will accept only .doc extension (not .docx)jesus christ 'doxc' was introduced in like, what? 2007. download a bloody FREE converter. or, i don't know, maybe GET OFFICE 7? it's fucking 2011...

or pdf files cause I want you to be able to modify and/or copy anything I send you .

All attachments must be named with your name so that we can track them easily . . . not "resume" or some cute nickname that matches your email. (Preferably, all email addresses should also be professionally named.) $11 an hour etc.

5) If your schedule can not accommodate 3 full days a week (during the Monday to Friday work week), please do not apply.$11 an hour etc.

6) You must know Word and Excel, and preferably, Quickbooks. If you don't, once again, please don't apply. $11 an hour etc. also: quickbooks is like my fucking grandmother's accounting software.

7) We have published the pay. That is the compensation. If you need to make more money, this job is not for you. so yeah. you get absolved for this bullshit b/c you've published the pay. and yeah, i think this a thing we can agree on: probably not a mutually rewarding relationship.

We are darn proud of every member of our team because they're all that good. If that sounds like you, terrific! We'd love to meet you! i wish there was a way to actually parody those statements.