Spicy Feldman Discovers that Terrorists are Running Out of Virgins

Spicy Feldman Discovers that Terrorists Extremists are Running Out of Virgins

By Mack Rights

I have discovered another Spicy Feldman transcript from the future. This one gives us another outstanding look at the future that I hope does not happen but presumably will if we stay on this track. Keep in mind though, this transcript is from the future, and the Frederick Douglass Foundation cannot be held responsible for what is said and how it is said.

[Begin Transcript]

Spicy Feldman: This is Spicy Feldman of Neo-Pinko Radio, your government-funded radio for people unafraid to admit that these incessant below-zero winter cold spells are obviously caused by global warming. Today, we will have a round-table discussion on how we can work to improve relations with the Islamic State. With us, is Imam Hamed Hussein of Utopia, NY. We spoke with him during our story on peace in the Middle East. How are you Imam?

Imam Hamed Hussein: I’m fine you Jewish pig.

Spicy Feldman: Oh, you old flirt. You’re always teasing me. As well, we have a prominent State Department Official from the Obama administration named, Rainbow Saki. How are you Rainbow?

Rainbow Simpleton: I’m great Spicy. It’s a pleasure to meet you Imam.

Spicy Feldman: Finally, we have man by the name of Mark David. He would rather not use his last name. He’s a Christian missionary who has just gotten back from the Middle East. And in the next segment, we will be joined by a very special guest named Hamed the Procurer, who will add to the conversation, I’m sure.

Imam: Hamed the Procurer? My love of Allah, what an amazing guest. How did you get Hamed the Procurer?

Spicy: Let’s just say, we have some pull at Neo-Pinko Radio. Being in charge of procuring the 72 virgins for each Islamic martyr, Hamed has some things he’d like to share. He jumped at the chance to have a say in this conversation.

Rainbow: Oh Imam. I think you’re getting me all wrong. I’m from the State Department. We’re on your side.

Imam: How could you even pretend to know what my side is? Don’t presume you know anything about me you governmental skankasaurus. May you be raped by a thousand filthy-unshowered-Jewish-sodomite-AIDS patients.

Spicy Feldman: My producer Bruce has just informed me that we need to get on with the discussion.

Imam: Where is that useless little African sodomite?

Spicy Feldman: He’s in another room sir. You kind of scare him.

Imam: Well good. I wouldn’t want to lose my cool and separate his head from his shoulders with my bare fingers in front of all these witnesses. Were I to do so though, I’d feed his disease-riddled body to pigs which I’d have served as lamb at a Jewish Seder. Filthy infidels, all of you.

Spicy: What do you think we can do to improve relations with Islamic State?

Rainbow: Excuse me Spicy. We at the State Department find the phrasing of that question racist and insensitive. As our beloved leader Obama has established, the inexplicable actions of extremists who claim a great religion as their inspiration are not at all inspired by the religion they claim, not even when they seek to kill Jews at a Kosher Deli and later claim that they went to the Kosher Deli because that’s where the Jews are. The actions of these extremists have nothing whatsoever to do with Islam. As far as we and the administration are concerned, these actions are just random.

Spicy: You do know that President Obama is no longer president, don’t you?

Rainbow: True, but he still runs the Washington bureaucracy from his Georgetown castle. This foolish Republican president is foolishly fooling himself if he thinks he has any power whatsoever in this city. President Obama, peace be upon him, still rules this once great nation. And Islam has nothing to do with the actions of extremists.

Mark David: Then what is causing these Muslims to behead non-Muslims, rape children, burn hostages alive, behead Christians and slaughter people constantly?

Rainbow: It’s probably because of how we treat minorities in the United States of Ameri-KKK and how we mindlessly allow Israel to continue to exist.

Imam: That’s right Rainbow. You, Mark David, are a Jew-loving racist whose despicable existence is indeed the reason for the actions of these extremists.

Mark David: I beg to differ. These Muslims have been tricked into believing that if they die while killing non-Muslims, they will spend eternity with their own set of 72 virgins. Look, if President Obama was correct that this has nothing to do with Islam, then we should take away their willingness to die by wrapping the bodies of dead terrorists in the skins of pigs and then deliver them to the mosque that inspired them.

Imam: That is the most un-Christian thing I’ve ever heard from some poser pretending to be Christian. You’re supposed to turn the other cheek and then accept your subservient position in life. Lick the shoes of the Muslims that will rule you one day with the iron-fist of Mohammed, peace be upon him.

Spicy Feldman: What about that Mark David? That does sound a little un-Christian. Why aren’t you just turning the other cheek?

Mark David: I normally refrain from taking theological advice from those who’d have me killed for my faith. As well, I have no more cheeks to turn. I’ve been behind the enemies’ lines, and I cannot unsee what I’ve seen. Islam is the problem, and pretending that these so-called extremists aren’t inspired by Islam does these lost souls no good.

Imam: Lost souls? What do you know about the soul you godless little infidel?

Spicy: Rainbow, what’s the State Department’s position on whose souls are more likely lost?

Rainbow: The State Department doesn’t recognize the existence of the soul as anything other than a myth in the minds of people likely to become extremists.

Mark David: So Christians are extremists?

Rainbow: What else would you call yourself after saying the things you’ve just said? It’s no wonder the extremists who claim to be inspired by Islam are killing you. You reap what you sow.

Mark David: So be it. I contend that if we just start wrapping dead terrorists in pig skins, terrorists will cease being willing to die for Islam simply because they believe that their souls will be sent to hell if their bodies are wrapped in pig. In their minds, hell is death without the 72 virgins that inspire their actions.

Imam: That is so offensive you sniveling infidel follower of Jesus the Jew.

Rainbow: I agree. You Christians are vile disgusting Darwin denialists. You’re the root of all evil, you and the Zionist Occupying Jews- but not you Spicy. I know you see things correctly.

Mark David: It surprises me that you would say that Rainbow. You had just stated that your beloved leader-for-life Obama had already established that the actions of these extremists have nothing to do with Islam. How is it offensive to wrap the dead corpses of terrorists in pig if doing so only violates the religion that they DON’T really subscribe to?

Imam: It’s still offensive. I mean, why would you then deliver the body to their mosque?

Mark David: If these so-called extremists were inspired inside this mosque, and the mosque is therefore un-Islamic because no religion, as Obama has stated, would inspire such actions, then it’s no big deal. These mosques aren’t Islamic either. I’m telling you, if we attack the weakness of these extremists, we can win this war.

Spicy: Look Mark David, I think this conversation is getting off track. We’re not trying to promote more war or to win some war we don’t acknowledge is even happening. We’re trying to improve relations with the Islamic State. I mean ISIL, which isn’t really Islamic. Does that work Rainbow?

Rainbow: That’s better?

Mark David: What does the first “I” in ISIL stand for?

Rainbow: It doesn’t matter. We’re just not supposed to attach the actions of extremists to the religion of peace, which is what we seek.

Mark David: Whatever. This is why the world is in such tatters. Clueless moral relativists like you have no understanding about the real world.

Spicy: So, after the break, we’ll have Hamed the Procurer join us. He’s in charge of gathering virgins for dead Jihadies. We’ll be back in a moment.

[Commercial Break]

Spicy: This is Spicy Feldman of Neo-Pinko Radio, your government-funded radio for those people sick of Christians inspiring extremists who kill in the name of a religion they don’t even share. Christians are ridiculous. And joining us for our conversation about improving relations with Islamic State, I mean ISIL, is Hamed the Procurer, who is in charge of procuring virgins for the jihadis who give up their life in the process of jihad. Hamed, tell us about yourself.

Hamed: I’m Hamed the Procurer, and as you’ve stated, I’m in charge of getting 72 virgins for every martyred jihadi. It’s Allah’s promise, and it is a hard job.

Mark David: As I understand it though, what these jihadis do has nothing to do with Allah or a religion. What gives?

Hamed: President Obama, peace be upon him, is just lying for expediency. Sort of like when he said he wasn’t for gay marriage but actually was. He knows the truth though.

Spicy: What is the truth Hamed?

Hamed: The truth is, it has become just about impossible to get 72 virgins for each dead martyr.

Imam: What are you talking about?

Hamed: It’s just about nearly impossible, and we’ve had to take shortcuts.

Imam: Shortcuts? What is going on?

Hamed: There just aren’t enough Islamic virgins anymore. I see you squirming Rainbow, but that’s what was promised, and they’re just not there anymore.

Spicy: What is happening? Where are all the virgins?

Hamed: Rape has eliminated so many of the virgins older than eighteen. We learned all we needed to know in Rotterdam, England, where we learned of all the rape gangs. And then in Sweden where the incidences of rape increased over 1500% because of Muslim immigrants. The rest of the Islamic world is just like that. By the time most Muslim girls turn eighteen, they’ve had the nerve of allowing themselves to get raped by their father, their brothers, their uncles, their cousins, the jihadi across the street, his brothers, his cousins… By the time most girls turn eighteen, they’ve already had the sexual experience of a prostitute. It’s an awful situation- it’s nearly impossible to find the virgins needed to take care of all our fallen brothers.

Imam: You can’t punish the martyrs because all these girls are so willing to get raped so often.

Hamed: We’re not punishing anyone. We make sure they get 72 virgins- that’s the deal. It’s just that 95% of all the virgins we can get are younger than eighteen, 65% are younger than twelve, 45% of them are little boys, and 5% are Jewish and infidel. It’s not like the old days.

Imam: Phew. I thought you were reneging on the word of Allah.

Mark David: So let me get this straight Imam. This guy is nothing but a pimp for underage virgins, and you don’t care that these dead Muslim martyrs are having sex with little boys and little girls. Actually, that’s statutory rape. This doesn’t bother you?

Imam: No, the world revolves around the needs of martyrs. Without the willingness of boys to die for Islam, Islam couldn’t spread so effectively.

Mark David: No wonder you all vote for the Democrats more loyally than even the liberal Jews. You’re a bunch of perverts. Again though, I thought this had nothing to do with Islam.

Imam: It doesn’t. But if you’re so smart infidel, what would you do to improve relations with Islamic State?

Mark David: I don’t want to improve relations. I want to defeat Islamic State. First, I’d offer them the truth. It starts with Jesus. With Jesus and the forgiveness that Jesus offers sinners, dead Muslims can live forever in heaven. They just have to repent and accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior. Jesus died for the sins of Muslims too.

Hamed: Our brothers do get to live in heaven for eternity. But, our boys get to do it with 72 virgins.

Imam: Yeah, how can you offer anything better that?

Mark David: Let me get this straight. The Islamic idea of heaven is a room full of really loud virgin kids who are only virgin until you rape them, and then, once you’ve raped them all, you get to spend eternity in a room full of 72 kids whom you’ve just raped and who won’t shut up. That sounds a lot more like hell than it does heaven. I’m beginning to think that wrapping the dead quote-unquote martyrs in pigskin so they’ll have the right to spend eternity in a proper hell is actually a mercy move. However though, I double down on my recommendation to wrap them all in pigskins, just to protect all the kids from being raped by jihadi perverts. We need to do it for the kids.

Spicy: Those sound like fighting words Imam. What say you?

Imam: Mark David is a filthy infidel whose mother will be raped by a twenty jihadis before she’s beheaded while being burnt alive. The reason we’ve got a lack of virgins is obviously the result of Christendom and your Crusades. You’ve used your cultural influence of Hollywood to pervert even our children so much that our little girls need to have their clitorises removed so they won’t actively seek out sex. It’s disgusting what you Christians have made us do.

Mark David: Are you saying that without a cliterectomy, these little girls are seeking to be raped.

Imam: If that’s what it takes.

Rainbow: Mark David, you aren’t really helping with improving relations with Islamic State. It’s because of people like you that we even have all these poor relations.

Mark David: Of course it is.

Spicy: We are out of time, I’m sad to say. I really wish we would have been more successful at improving relations with ISIL today, but America has its share of instigators. As long as we continue to allow instigators like Mark David to be heard and to let them take their so-called freedom of speech and religion for granted, we will have cultural conflicts instead of peace. I just want to say how much I really admire the religion of Islam because, unlike the prudes of Christianity, Islam is so forward thinking when it comes to sexual relations. A breath of fresh air.

Mark David: Hold on a second Spicy. We’re talking about rape. You consider rape forward thinking?

Spicy: Of course. I’ve read and seen 50 Shades of Grey over and over. Ever since, I can’t stop fantasizing about being raped. It’s like the greatest thing that can happen to a progressive woman. It’s the essence of feminism, turning victimhood into strength, right Rainbow? See. She gets it. But we are out of time. Again, this is Spicy Feldman of Neo-Pinko Radio, your government-funded radio for those who believe that peace is best achieved through submissive weakness.