Wednesday, January 16, 2008

The worst feeling in the whole wide world is to feel useless. Like nothing you could do would make a difference.

When someone you love works for years trying to achieve something, and then doesn't...and they're hurting, and you're frustrated...because you're useless.

When you're miles away from someone that you want to be able to console...and you can't. You're useless.

It's terrifying sometimes living more than a thousand miles away from all of the people that mean the most to me in my life. The distance makes it so difficult to feel helpful or worthwhile sometimes. Once again, useless.

...and then I find myself wondering what I'm really doing with my life. What are my goals? What am I becoming? Well, I'm not really sure...so once again, I feel useless. Awesome.

The truth is, I'm tired. I'm burnt out. I don't like Build-a-bear anymore, as a manager I barely get to play with the kids. I have two wisdom teeth coming in, and not only do they hurt in my mouth, but I constantly have a headache. I have no idea what I'm doing...and I just need a hug. Awesome.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

So this isn't a new year's resolution...in fact, it's far from it. I don't make those.

I'm going to stop eating so much junk food. Why? Because I just got back to Provo, and realized that I've eaten nothing but crap for the last three weeks...and that is nauseating. So I'll stop eating junk as soon as I finish the little debbie holiday cake that is on my coffee table.

I just finished the most bizarre vacation of my entire life. I probably made some people mad, but I was doing what I felt was best for me. Selfish? Yes. But hey...that's part of being human...! Not to worry, I'm sure that I'll be back soon. Positive, really. Not a lot tying me down in Provo right now since I'm not doing the BYU thing right now. My job is great, but I'm sure there are better things out there. We'll see what happens. It's a big decision to make.

Caution: You are about to enter the heart of what is really on my mind. If you don't want to know, then stop reading now.

All my life, or at least all of my life that I can remember, I have struggled with feeling that I am good enough. I've always been second best. I didn't make Rhythm Express the first time. I didn't make Wind Ensemble. Didn't make Choraliers the first time. Never had a lead in a musical. Was second best and walked all over in high school relationships. I always felt like there was something or someone that was better than me, whether in school, relationships, or family.

Not anymore. Granted, I know I'll never be perfect...but still...I finally, and for the first time in my life, feel like I am important. This has been a process. I had to spend some time in serious introspection. I had to spend countless nights crying and praying that I would be able to recognize my worth and potential. I'm not all the way there, but slowly, it's happening. I am starting to see that it doesn't matter what anyone else says or thinks.

Then...something magical happened. As I worked to become a better version of myself, someone wonderful inched his way into my life...and now...I don't feel second best. Maybe it's because I like me now. Maybe it's because he likes me...or maybe it's just because life is wonderful and I've been very blessed. Whatever the reason is, I like it. A lot.