It helps that I feel my most alive when I am the sole person sustaining another life.

It helps that Crew has been an absolute angel baby. So far, our easiest. He sleeps all the time, only wakes briefly to eat during the night, and I don't feel sleep deprived at all. I'd like to take the credit for his easiness because I'm so much more relaxed with baby #3, but I think he really is just a good baby.

It helps that I adore newborns to tears. Especially my newborns.

When I have a newborn, everything else seems to fade into oblivion. I toss out my to-do list day after day and sink into this baby bliss where no matter how hard I try I cannot soak my newborn in enough. The expressions. The curled up body. The breathing. The crying. I love it all.

It's not fair how quickly they grow out of being newborns. Don't get me wrong, I love the little people they become. But watching those little cheeks plump out and packing away that first stack of too-small newborn clothes always puts me into panic mode. It makes me wish I could keep my babies that small forever. And the panic of them growing up too fast seems to get worse with each child.

Right when I have a newborn is when baby fever hits the most for me. Not that the newborn I am holding isn't enough...quite the contrary. That new baby fills my heart to the very brim. But the thought of my little Crew being the last newborn I'll ever bring home from the hospital makes me feel like I just got kicked in the stomach. I never ever want to be pregnant again, but I can't imagine that this is the last time I'll have a newborn nuzzled tightly against me with his perfect smell and tiny chest rapidly rising and falling.

I'm trying my best not to worry about what the future holds (especially since Troy declared that we are done bringing children into this world). I'm going to soak this newborn in with all my might before he becomes a full-fledged baby. I know all too well how quickly the time will pass. And for now, I am his and he is mine.

4 comments:

That first picture is killing me. I want to kiss that perfect little face about ten thousand times. You just made the next two months feel like two years. I'm ready to hold MY newborn!!! And I love that your children all look so much alike!

I love this post. I can completely relate to not wanting to be pregnant but wanting another newborn. I cant imagine being done, but i also cant imagine more pregnancies! :) I'm happy that 3 is treating you well! He's an angel. Congratulations!