Tom Cruise Got Spanked By A Dude At Matt Damon’s Tranny Birthday Party

Everything I just said in the headline but with more words and celebrity cameos. Via Page Six:

Cruise was spotted at Simon Hammerstein’s London club The Box to toast Damon’s 42nd birthday, along with “The Avengers” hunk Chris Hemsworth, Emily Blunt, Bill Paxton and party organizer John Krasinski. “Tom arrived solo,” said a spy, who added that the Hollywood heavyweights all “got paddled on their rears” by the club’s cross-dressing hostess.

Wow. Can you even imagine what that must’ve been like for Tom Cruise? For a few glorious seconds, he got to put his guard down and just be himself in a room full of his peers. No pretending he made the waitress give him extra ice with his mind, no making sure he gauged Matt Damon’s height correctly and wore the right lifts. Just pure bliss as another man forcibly spanked his ass right in front of Good Will Hunting’s face before putting his mask back on. “Whoa, buddy, I like vaginas. Purple (Or are they orange?) vaginas. So don’t event think of meeting me up in my room later with that paddle later in my room where they’ll be money. You believe this guy?”