Thursday, October 2, 2008

Honky Moms For Obama

Are you ready? Are you ready for the Peverett Phile, the web's most updated blog on the internet... at least for now. Pretty soon the Phile is going from AOL to AWOL. At te end of October AOL is shutting down the Journals, but promised to move all the blogs over to a blog site they'll choose. Knowing my luck my will get lost in the shuffle, or they'll be some kinda restriction. Last Monday my Prius ran out of gas... I said Prius. I thought once the gas ran out the battery would take me to the next gas station, but instead a tow truck had to haul my ass. What they need to come up with is a car where you fart into a hole which fills it up with gas. Then I would never have to go to a gas station again.... just Taco Bell. It seemed like Congress might have agreed on the $700 million bailout. Then it turned out they hadn’t. Think of Wall Street as a no-good brother in law who borrowed $500 from you and shows up with a new Jet Ski. President Bush met with both Barack Obama and John McCain mostly to discuss the financial crisis, but he did take time to show them the best place in the Oval Office to hide porn. McCain showed up without Sarah Palin, which is a shame because she actually has a lot of banking and financial experience — she lived right next to a bank. Sarah Palin was in New York at the U.N. to meet world leaders. Previously, her world experience has been limited to visiting the Epcot. Michelle Obama says she keeps her kids entertained on the campaign trail by throwing slumber parties. Which, coincidentally, is how Bill Clinton kept himself entertained during his campaign. A guy in Kentucky claims his genitals were removed without his consent during a routine operation. He was mad. He said, “When did I agree to this?” Bill Clinton was asked what his favorite romantic movie was. He said The English Patient. I don’t believe it — what about Ass a Blanca? The Stock market fell a jazillion points. And Congress botched the bailout deal. Experts on Wall Street say it’s the biggest disaster to hit New York City since the Mets. No one agrees who won the presidential debate of course. Republicans say McCain won; Democrats say Obama won; Bill Clinton says Hillary won. The vice presidential debate is coming tonight. The VPs only get one debate, so it is really important. Somepeople say the vice president doesn’t do much in office, so it isn’t a big deal. I’ve got two words for people who say that: Dick and Cheney. Sarah Palin is at John McCain’s house in Arizona getting ready for the debate with Joe Biden. Isn’t it a little weird that she is getting ready at his house? Maybe the whole running-mate thing was a scheme to get her into bed. Maybe McCain saw her picture in a LensCrafters magazine and thought, “Let me get a hold of that.” Palin’s staff has tried to find a stand-in to pretend to be Joe Biden, but so far all they’ve come up with is a tree stump. Which actually sounds about right. Teams of technicians have been working around the clock to figure out how to run an Internet cable directly into the back of her skull to feed her information. Even though she’s not expected to do well in the debate, she is favored heavily in Friday’s swimsuit competition. Man, I'd pay to see that. L

THE PEVERETT PHILE TOP TEN LIST

From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list.Top Ten Signs Your Bank Is In Trouble10. The coins are made of chocolate9. ATM dispenses IOUs8. The July 4th bank holiday was extended to New Year's7. The security cameras all point toward the bank president6. They start charging $1.50 to use the pen chained to the counter5. They set up a tollbooth in front of the drive-up window4. Their 24 hour-a-day ATM only works from 1am to 4am on Tuesdays3. They're handing out free promotional calendars from 20072. Instead of toasters, they're giving away your mortgageAnd the number one sign your bank is in trouble... 1. Bank president has cancelled AOL Journals

OCTOBER 2ND IN HISTORY

1574Spaniards sieging the Dutch city of Leyden, held by William the Silent, are washed away after Holland's dike breaks during a storm. Approximately 20,000 Spanish troops drown.1871Mormon prophet Brigham Young is arrested for cohabitating with a 16-year-old girl.1935Italy invades Ethiopia!1967Narcs raid the Haight-Ashbury residence of the Grateful Dead, busting all six bandmates for possession of marijuana and hashish.1977The bodies of Elvis Presley and his mother Gladys are moved from Forest Hill Cemetery to the Meditation Garden at Graceland, thereby becoming yet more tourist attractions.1978Tim Allen is arrested with 1.4 pounds of cocaine at Kalamazoo Airport in Michigan. After testifying against his partner, Allen serves only 2.5 years for felony drug possession. Otherwise, it would have been a life sentence. Tim later becomes a comic, ultimately landing the starring role in the ABC television sitcom "Home Improvement".1985Homosexual actor Rock Hudson dies of AIDS in his Beverly Hills home.

R.I.P.

Paul Newman: What we've got here is failure to perpetuate.

FLORIDA: AMERICA'S WANG

A female firefighter accused of taking a severed foot from a crash scene trains cadaver dogs at her home, FLORIDA TODAY news partner WKMG Local 6 News reports.Rescuers recently responded to a single-car crash on Interstate 95 near Port St. Lucie and discovered Karl Lambert, 46, of Melbourne seriously injured. Fire crews were forced to amputate Lambert's foot to free him from his car before he was transported to a West Palm Beach hospital. However, his foot did not go with him, Local 6 reported.Cindy Economou is accused of taking the foot and putting it in a freezer. "It's not normal for remains or pieces or parts to be removed from an accident scene other than by the appropriate authority, St. Lucie Asst. Fire Chief Buddy Emerson said. An attorney for Lambert said the dog training may explain why his client's foot was removed from the scene but said it's unusual and deemed unethical. Investigators are talking with the 17 people who witnessed the crash. Lambert continues to recover in a West Palm Beach hospital.

UNSOLVED MYSTERIES WITH REALLY OBVIOUS SOLUTIONS

The Dyatlov Pass IncidentOn February 2nd, 1959, during the cold winter on Kholat Syakhl ("Mountain of the Dead") in Russia, nine intrepid ski hikers decided to do what they do best, which is ski hike, whatever the hell that is. On February 26th, the first of their very dead bodies turned up. Man, who would have thought such a tragedy could strike on "The Mountain of the Dead?" But it was the discovery of the campgrounds that added the icing to the creepy-as-fuck cake. The ski hikers' tent was shredded. The skiers were scattered around the grounds wearing either very sparse clothing or just their underwear. Three of them were found with crushed ribs and fractured skulls, but no visible defense marks or other signs of a struggle. In case you weren't already on the phone with Mulder and Scully, trace levels of radiation were supposedly found on their bodies. The official statement on what happened was about as vague and ass-covering as possible, saying it was caused by an "unknown compelling force." In laymen's terms this means, "fuck if we know." The story has become an internet sensation over the years, with many people blaming aliens, and then ghosts, and then the yeti, or possibly all of them working in tandem. "So we're agreed then: We tear up their tents, take a lady's tongue, and never tell a soul." The Obvious Answer: So there's six things that freak people out about this one: 1. The no-tongued woman2. A mysterious orange tan on the dead bodies 3. The ripped tents 4. The hikers' lack of clothing 5. The crushing damage done to three of the hikers 6. The traces of radioactivity. The big fact that gets lost in the re-telling of this story is that the bodies weren't found until weeks later. It's not like somebody turned their back, then five minutes later all their friends were dead and half naked. That makes the missing tongue a lot easier to explain. As disturbing as it may be, the first thing a scavenging animal is going to go for is probably the soft tissue of an open mouth, especially if it still smelled like the burrito the hiker just ate. Laying out in the sun surrounded by white snow for days also accounts for the weird tan. The trauma and the destroyed tent points to an avalanche. Their state of undress can be explained by paradoxical undressing, a known behavior of hypothermia victims when their brains start to freeze and malfunction. In other words, it's the kind of behavior you'd expect from a group of injured avalanche victims wandering around in the middle of the night in the freezing cold. What about the radioactivity? Or stranger details that turn up in some accounts, like orange lights in the sky? Well, there's the fact that none of that stuff turns up in the original documents from the incident, and appears to have been added later by people who just can't resist making things spookier than they are. It's those later accounts that have stuck in the public memory, because so many of the original reports were destroyed (this was the Cold War-era Soviet Union, which treated casserole recipes as state secrets). So none of the details on their own prove anything other than a tragic hiking accident. The conspiracy-loving public widely reject this, too busy lighting their torches and getting their pitchforks to go hunt down an, "unknown compelling force."

HEROES

Mama Petrelli is going to be trouble this season, isn't she? I wonder how much of the flak the show is taking now is because they've had to restructure their overall plan due to the strike last year. We already know they'd intended to unleash the virus and have the aftermath of that drive the second half of the season. Who knows how that development would have flowed into what we're seeing now. I'd hate to think that the lower ratings opening of last week's premiere will spell the impending doom of this show. If people are willing to ride along with the insanity of "Prison Break" for four seasons now, surely they can handle the comic book logic and over-the-top plotlines of this series for a little while. Sure, it's silly. Sure some of it really doesn't make much sense, but what do you expect with extensive time travel stories and super powers. Marvel and DC Comics have been struggling to keep the logic and timeliness of their universes in order for decades. I may be the only one in the country, but I've never had as much of a problem with the Nikki/Jessica storyline as most people seem to. Sure, multiple personality disorder isn't exactly an ability but now that we've seen Tracy having ice powers while Jessica had super strength it really opens up the potential in the character, no matter who she is. Or how many of them there are. I didn't see Tracy seeing Nikki's body coming (I guess almost no time has passed since the finale). Nor did I see the return of Micah as I thought I'd read that he was written out of the show. It would be a shame if he did leave, though, because I really like the kid (and where's Monica?). But I now think that Tracy/Nikki/Jessica are all clones, or some after-effect of Zimmerman's ability. There could be tons of Ali Larter's running around out there.

GEEK TALK

July 16th became the new Christmas this year, when Eugene revealed the scribe for the Iron Man sequel -- Justin Theroux. Really, the actor's inclusion is a nice metaphor for why I like the first Iron Man to begin with -- it's a wonderful mixture of sexiness, smarts, and charm. (I mean, heck, I accepted him as my personal saviour.) So now we're getting more, in capable hands, and one Mr. Jon Favreau shared some details during a live web chat with LA Times readers. First off, Favreau says that he's currently working with Theroux on the first draft, and they're playing with who the villain of the next pic will be. I imagine that this decision might be influenced by visual possibilities, as Favreau is also presently working with a storyboard artist and costumers. From there, Jon has a take on Mandarin, "that allows us to incorporate the whole pantheon of villains. The whole 10 Rings thing in IM 1 was a good tease for it," muses over the possibility of a female villain, and confirms that #2 will focus on the aftermath of Tony's "I am Iron Man," statement. Best of all, Favreau says that things are coming together smoothly with "fewer casting issues" than the first round, so I imagine we will start getting casting notices soon, and with that, an idea of what villains ol' Tony will face. Oh wait. Here's one last piece of food for thought from Favs: "Sam Rockwell could've been a cool Tony if not RDJ."

Well, there you have it, another Phile entry. I wanted to hit 5000 views by Thanksgiving, but who knows if they'll be a Phile then. I have to wait to hear what AOL sticks it with. In the meantime, the next entry will be on the 9th, then the 16th, the 23rd (which is Jen and my anniversary) and the last one on the 30th before AOL kicks me off. So, spread the word, not the turd, phaithful readers, and we'll see what happens. Peace.

Into the valleys, the shadow of death, griefs silently it's in you and me, it's in you and me...