Monday, October 15

I want to puke on all of NY. No wait, all of the world. Better yet, I want to vomit on the universe.

What is making me so nauseous? Drumroll please...

~the fucking Jets

~fucking Cicely and her dull pain

~the fucking scheduler at my gyno's office for giggling when I said I needed an "inside" sonogram because I couldn't remember the medical term. (Actually I was laughing too but fuck her. Me laughing wasn't an invite for her to laugh.)

~my fucking therapy session last Thursday which was the hardest one to date

~and the biggest fucking reason why I want to fucking vomit all over the fucking universe:

MY OLDEST AND DEAREST FRIEND IS A SCUMBAG DICKBITCH.

Who is my oldest and dearest friend, you ask???

BEER! MOTHER FUCKING BEER I HATE YOUR STUPID FUCKING GUTS.

I, Thighs McGee, decided to stop drinking the day after Labor Day. I drank about five beers one night three weeks ago, got a little buzz on, no big deal.

Yesterday at the god awful disastrous Titans of New York game (throwback Jets team bullshit which I will discuss at a later and less pukey date), I had five beers.

Those fucking piece of shit beers have fucked my skull. I am not only physically nauseous, I am mentally and emotionally nauseous as well. I want to fucking kill the whole world. No, first I want to puke on the whole world. Then I want to kick the whole world's ass and rub it's face in the random puddles of puke surrounding us. Then I want to kill it. Then puke on it again.

And while it's possible I am just sick to my stomach from gorging myself for 11 hours yesterday on hamburgers, shish kebob, pasta, and knishes at the tailgate then a pulled pork sandwich at Spanky's BBQ you know what??

I. AM. DONE. My bff can smd.*

Dear Beer,

We've been through a lot. Between you and Drugs, the last 15 years were fucking balls out crazy. I've shared some of the best times of my life with you, but let's be honest, our relationship has been pretty shaky since "Auntie D" was prescribed.

There was a time when I thought I could never leave Drugs. As you know, I pretty much left him when it was legal for you and I to be together. Of course there'd be the occasional booty call from Drugs now and then, and I must say, it was much appreciated how you were always willing to join in instead of get mad. Hot, in fact.

I am a different person now though. Beer, I know this is harsh but the truth is I just don't need you anymore. I don't think I've needed you for a while now, but I was well, too drunk to notice.

So now it's time for me to say goodbye. I would say I'll miss you, but you know what? I won't.