A Vice President Measuring Drapes and at the end of his Rope

The public has come to know the vice president as a man of fashion, wearing the best-tailored suits available. However, for this event, he donned a simple t-shirt, jeans, and step ladder.

Not only did Vice President Pence set up the ladder as his supposed boss President Trump signed the executive order, but Pence also hummed the classic tune Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah as he measured the lengths of the drapes. At times he did stop humming to pull out his phone and used it to see what colored curtains should replace the hacky and tacky gold ones President Trump currently has up.

Hmmmm… what color subtly states impeach? Maybe a deep blue for American justice. I better check out what is available if impeachment doesn’t work out. How about I’m going to strangle your scrawny neck red?

Everyone in the room heard that except for President Trump. He was entranced by his new fidget spinner.

Paul Ryan Insists None of this is his Business

House Speaker Paul Ryan, despite being #2 in line for presidential succession whispered to a nearby reporter, “I can only worry about the things I can control. Republicans everywhere should remain calm over kids not having bandaids in schools and the vice president losing his grip.”

The reporter from the Flat Earth Gazette whispered back, “Sir, what can you control and what is your business if the running of the federal government isn’t?”

House Speaker Ryan then joined Vice President Pence in a rousing humming of Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah.

Sean Spicer’s Unlikely Press Conference

After the signing ceremony was over and the vice president was done measuring the drapes, Sean Spicer held the daily press briefing. However, this was going to be no ordinary press briefing.

As soon as Mr. Spicer took the podium he immediately opened a copy of James Joyce’s classic novel Finnegan’s Wake and dove right into it:

riverrun, past Eve and Adam’s, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation of back to Howth Castle and Environs.

After reading for a minute or two, the press had the opportunity to ask questions. Mr. Spicer opened a random section of the tome and then answered by reading for another minute or two.

When the press conference ended, many reporters felt “they were finally getting somewhere” with this administration.