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(Marmafluke is a dog and speaks perfect English with a British accent and walks on two legs. SLAGGY is Marmafluke’s best friend. CRED, FELMA, and DAFTKNEE are his others.)

(Marmafluke sings the theme song in a Shakespearean manner:)

Marma-Marmafluke!
Where are you?
We’ve got some tea and crumpets
For you now…

Marma-Marmafluke!
Where are you?
We’ve got some weed
To do now!

We’ve got some mysteries to solve,
So, Marmafluke…
Be ready, you big ass
GREAT DANE
and don’t fucking be bisexual.

(A bunch of sweaty people run in and start freak dancing)

TITLE CARD: The Case of the Spiral Notebook

SLAGGY (voice over)
Today, Marmafluke meets Sonny and Cher!

(Fade out. Fade in with Marmafluke and Slaggy drinking tea and eating crumpets.)

SLAGGY
So I says to Looby, “Let’s make like a spider and BUG OUTTA HERE!”

(Slaggy starts laughing hysterically.)
(Marmafluke is sitting with his legs crossed and he takes a sip of tea, seemingly unamused)

MARMAFLUKE
Hmm… yes… humorous…

(Marmafluke looks to the right, not laughing at all)
(Audience laughs, and as they drown out, you can hear one of them scream something)

AUDIENCE MEMBER 426
Marmafluke has a massive dong!

MARMAFLUKE
Now, that is totally uncalled for!

SLAGGY
He’s right, though, it’s almost touching the floor.

(Marmafluke throws his tea to the floor and dumps his tray of crumpets on Slaggy gathering up his dog dong, hiding it in his lap)

MARMAFLUKE
Well, it’s not my fault…!

(Marmafluke glares at the camera)

MARMAFLUKE
Can’t you go SOMEWHERE ELSE!?

(Scene cuts to DAFTKNEE and FELMA digging in the ground. They’re really dirty and sweaty. Their boobs are knocking around and its pretty hot, actually, both literally and figuratively.)
(CRED is sitting on a chair drinking some lemonade under an umbrella)

DAFTKNEE
CRED! Why are WE doing all the work?

FELMA
Cred, this isn’t very fair.

CRED
My ascot is on too tight. You know I can’t shovel out
large amount of dirt, because I’ll pass out.

(The real reason is that Cred is looking at Daftknee and Felma’s bodily features and measuring them mentally… he was way off, though)
(Cred writes something in his notebook, saying it quietly aloud, as well)

CRED
Felma — Double D…

FELMA
WHAT!?!?

CRED
Oh! Nothing!

(Fred closes his notebook)
(The scene cuts to a bathroom door, and there’s some grunting sounds in there)
(Slaggy is waiting next to the door, and looks at his wrist, as if there was a watch there, but there isn’t.)

SLAGGY
Come on, Marmafluke!
You’ve been in there for at least half an hour!
Looby never would make me wait
outside when he does his business.

(Little did he know, Looby’s business was jacking off)

(There’s a zipping sound behind the door, and Marmafluke walks outside wearing pants and shoes. There’s a huge lump and a line trailing down his right pant leg.)

MARMAFLUKE
Well, now that certain piece of indecency has
been taken care of, shall we check on the other 3?

(cut to Cred, Daftknee, and Felma)

DEFTKNEE
I’m too tired to dig anymore.

CRED
Just think of what Looby would say if
he knew you were giving up on him.

(the camera cuts to a tombstone that reads:)

Here Lies Looby,
Not one brand, but three killed him.

(the camera cuts again and Felma is dragging Looby’s dead body toward the hole)

FELMA
I think it’s deep enough Deftknee.

(Felma lobs Looby into the grave and it lands on Daftknee)

DAFTKNEE
Oh shit!

(Daftknee falls down and Looby is on top of her. 3 types of lubricant drained/evacuated from Looby’s orifices. Some is draining out of his nose, too. It was a gruesome death for poor Looby)
(Daftknee is squealing like a pig under Looby)
(in the next spot, Cher is in front of Sonny’s grave)

CHER
Would you mind keeping it down in there?
Aren’t you — DO YOU BELIEVE — supposed to be
dead when you’re — IN LOVE!!? — in a grave??

FELMA
Wow! It’s Sonny and Cher!

CHER
Sonny is dead.

CRED
That’s funny Cher, we all know that isn’t true.

CHER
I don’t know — DO YOU BELIEVE! – what you’re talking about.

(Cut to Slaggy and Marmafluke walking toward The History Machine)

MARMAFLUKE
I think I’ll drive, you had a little too much…green tea…

(Slaggy is smoking a joint)

SLAGGY
I really have no idea what you’re talking about.
It was only 5 cups!

MARMAFLUKE
Right… shall we?

(Slaggy and Marmafluke drive over to the cemetery)

CHER
SUNNY IS — IN LOVE! — DEAD!!

FELMA
Sunny is in love?

CHER
NO! He’s in the — AFTER LIFE!!

DAFTKNEE
…

(Daftknee is somehow out of the grave and finished shoveling the dirt into the grave)

(Stupid music plays as Sonny is chasing everyone around, and somehow they’re in a place with millions of doors and are going in one and coming out the other over and over. A few times, two of them come out of different doors, etc etc)
(Daftknee and Marmafluke find a closet)

MARMAFLUKE
Daftknee! Look what I found!

(Daftknee takes the book from Marmafluke and opens it)

DAFTKNEE
This is Cred’s! I wonder what he was writing in here…

(The notebook stated the following:)

DAFTKNEE
C-cup
Purple underwear
10 inch-wide ass

FELMA
DD-cup
No underwear
Nice skirt
Allows anal sex

MY MOMExperienced
Can have threesome w/Slaggy
Gives good BJs

MARMAFLUKE
British accent (hot!)
Extremely large dong

(Daftknee and Marmafluke look at each other after reading it)

DAFTKNEE
Oh my God! That PERV!
He didn’t even get any of this information right!
I am TOTALLY into anal sex.

(Daftknee looks weird at Marmafluke)

MARMAFLUKE
Well, I can’t help it if I’m the object of everyone’s desire…

(Daftknee eyes Marmafluke’s pants)(Scene cuts to the castle with a million doors)
(Daftknee bursts out of a closet with a shotgun)

DAFTKNEE
Cred! YOU’RE DEAD!

(Cred stops chasing Felma trying to grab her ass just as she runs into another door. He looks over to Daftknee)

CRED
Oh, shit. She found the notebook.

(Cred jumps into the air and runs away with Daftknee chasing after him)(Sonny and Cher have been making out the whole time. Not by normal kissing, but Eskimo kissing. Their noses are practically falling off)

CHER
I love — IN LOVE! — you.

(Then they both get shot from stray fire from Daftknee’s shotgun)
(Cred jumps on top of them and then jumps away, running again)

Fragrant Drifter: Ah yes. I was told about this day as a kid. Frankly I think people have lost their way when it comes to this fine holiday.

Ugly Little Harvey: But mistah, what does it all mean?

Fragrant Drifter: Well, many people remember Flag Day as the day I lost my arms.

Ugly Little Harvey: But… mistah, your arms are right there.

Fragrant Drifter: That’s right. And I found them on Columbus Day.

Ugly Little Harvey: Observed?

Fragrant Drifter: Yeah, not only did I observe them, I picked them up and sewed them on myself.

Ugly Little Harvey: No, I meant Columbus Day.

Fragrant Drifter: What’s Columbus Day?

Ugly Little Harvey: You have the memory of John Madden. I’m leaving.

Fragrant Drifter: Ok, bring back some more car fresheners. And close the door! You’ll let all the heat out of my foyer!

–

Scene III(Year 2093. Ugly Little Harvey is now an ugly old man, reminiscing on his past experiences with Flag Day.)

Ugly Little Harvey: BAH! What a fake holiday. Flag Day is too commercial these days. Ruined by Hallmark and Scary Movie 8. Flag Day brings up too many painful memories, just like Haley Joel Osment’s shooting spree or the Olsen’ twins eight marriages. I never trust holidays again. Especially not this one. The only one I enjoy is Bastille Day. Too bad France isn’t around anymore. They replaced it with a big Wal-Mart. I worked there once. In fact, I still work there, at the door. Good selection of berets. Well, my mailman, George W. Bush IV is here with my erotic literature.

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After attempting to set a new record by beating his meat to the same picture for 8 hours, Dave was rudely interrupted by an IM from a mysterious Ilovedavepoobondyesdavepoobondfromsquackleheissooooohot34@aol.com (appearently Ilovedavepoobondyesdavepoobondfromsquackleheissooooohot 1-33 were already taken) Dave was intrigued because he had never heard any appraise for squackle…ahem…suquakle before… all the “fan mail” was actually him incognito. Thier conversation went a little something like this

(Davepoobond and ILDPBYDPBFSHISH34 get married via getmarriedtoatotalstrangerovertheinternet.net)

On next week’s episode!: Will Dave and his secret admirer meet? Will ILDPBYDPBFSHISH34 turn out to be a 4’3″ overweight slightly balding spanish speaking hill troll with a pair of wire frame glasses and a stutter? the answers to that and more….is yes.

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Dave was making the website for SUQUAKLE when suddenly the roof of stumpy’s house came off. It happened to be the Goddess of porno, completely naked and using a dildo as a magic wand. Goddess: ‘Dave! Why aren’t you beatin your shit? DON’T YOU LOVE LOOKING AT NAKED GIRLS ANYMORE? ” Dave: “Sure I do…it’s just Fred fucks me so well!” Goddess: “Oh I see…your gay! I have some gay porn for you!” Before Dave can say anything, she waves her magic Dildo and dave gets a bunch of porn e-mail advertising gay stuff. Dave: “NO BITCH! I AIN’T GAY! FRED IS A GIRL! AND A MIGHTY FINE ONE AT THAT!” Goddess: “Oh well…You may have her now, but when your single, loking at your penis and wishing some hot slut was on it, you’ll come back to me. Goodbye dave.” Dave: “Wait…did you take me off this gay porn e-mail spell?” Goddess: “Hmmm…nope. I hope you know Stumpy whacks off more times then the president of Russia.” She disappears. Dave ponders in thought when Stump comes rushing in. Stumpy: “DAVE! WTF!!! YOU BLEW YOUR LOAD SO HARD IT KNOCKED MY CEILING OFF?” Dave: “No stumpy, it was the porn goddess…” Stumpy: “….Right…I believe you.” A minute later Stumpy kicks his ass out of his house.

(a bad remake of the I Love Lucy them song plays, making it sound gayer than it regularly does)

(Barney, the purple dinosaur prances out on stage with a microphone)

(audience is clapping)

Barney: duh huh! I’m Barney, the purple dinosaur, and this is the Barney Love Connection! Yaay!!

(audience cheers loudly)

Barney: This is the show where we give losers that can’t find a date or get any at all, the choice to go out with 3 lovely people, or do 1 alternative choice which could range from anything to nothing!

(Dan Dan rides in on a tricycle sitting down on a heart shaped couch next to Barney)

Barney: Dan Dan, we’ve got a spectacular line up for you today. 1st, lets go to the women for you!

(a shadowy figure appears in each of three boxes to the right of a bigger screen)

(the first of the 3 boxes appears on the bigger screen, and an announcer starts talking)

Announcer: Betty Ba-doop is a brunette from South Alabama. She enjoys space walks, and vacuums. She’s really into guys that can be like a vacuum on her…

(the box fades away, and the second one comes up)

Announcer: Erin White-ass is a blonde woman from Northern New Jersey who enjoys to take long baths with men and drink radioactive water. She has a third boob, extra fun for every one…

(the box fades away, and the third one comes up)

Announcer: Stripper McGoog is a stripper at a local nudey bar. Stripper likes to be naked.

Barney: wow! I wish I were you, so I could pick #3! But! If you don’t like it…(along with the audience) TAKE the ALTERNATIVE CHOICE!!

(audience cheers)

Barney: Let’s show him his alternative choice!

Announcer: if you don’t like any of the women, here, you have to make out with…THIS CAN OF TOMATO PASTE!!!

(the camera zooms in and out on a can of tomato paste over and over)

audience: ewwww!

Dan Dan (rubbing his chin): hmmm…

Barney: what’s it gonna be, Dan Dan? Is it gonna be Betty Ba-doop, Erin White-ass or Stripper McGoog? OR the Alternative choice?? Let’s see what the audience says!

(everyone says something different)

(everyone quiets down)

Idiot: number 8!!

(everyone looks at Idiot like he’s an Idiot and then a sniper shoots him from the rafters)

Idiot: squash

(Idiot dies)

Dan Dan: hmm….

Barney: have you made up your mind!??

Dan Dan: yes! I pick #3!!

(annoying bells ring and lights flash)

Barney: congratulations! You picked Stripper McGoog! Let’s see her!

(Stripper’s face appears in the big square again, and is revealed showing a man in a wig, with a beard. He waves at Dan Dan, and blows him a kiss)

Dan Dan (faling out of his seat): ahhh!!!!

(Stripper McGoog walks out from behind the TV screen running over to Dan Dan getting on top of him. You can now see Stripper McGoog is wearing a yellow rubber kinda dress thingy and platform shoes)

Barney: wow! I bet you sure woulda wanted to have made-out with the tomato paste….hahahaha….

(Stripper McGoog kisses Dan Dan over and over as the camera pans out)

Barney: we’ll find out how the date went, and pair up another 2 losers next episode!

(crowd applauds as credits roll and music plays as it does too)

Announcer: The Barney Love Connection with your host Barney Dinosaur is brought to you in main part by SBC, because they don’t have any better shows to put on the air right now, and also Queer-ker Oatmeal!

Dave is beatin his shit…then a knock on the door is heard. He opens the door and it’s Mr. T! Mr. T: “ASSHO!” Dave: “I KILL YOU!” They wrestle and dave kicks Mr. T’s ass. Then Dave is about to go beat his shit but another knock is heard. Dave opens the door and it’s Fred. Fred: “DAVE I MISSED YOU! LETS HAVE HOT SEX AT STUMPY’S HOUSE!” Dave: “Ok!” They go to Stumpy’s house and Dave knocks on the door. Stumpy opens the door….naked…..and says: “What the hell are you two doing here?” Dave kicks stumpy outside and Dave goes inside with Fred and they fuck all day long. After a long time Fred says: “Dave…did you finish the SUQUAKLE website?” Dave says: “No but i’ll dance right now.” So Dave starts dancing for no reason. Fred then says: “THATS IT DAVE I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN ASSHOLE!” She storms out of Stumpy’s house. Dave then goes to Stumpy’s computer and starts working on SUQUAKLE website. Suddenly a loud noise is heard and the roof of Stumpy’s house comes off!

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Dave….making the website at Stumpy’s house, is shocked when he hears Stumpy yell out: “OH MY GOD YOUR A MAN!” He runs into the room and he see’s Stumpy looking down and Fred laying naked on the bed. He immediatley see’s that Fred is a girl. Dave: “What are you talkin about? Fred is a girl!” Stumpy: “I wasn’t talkin about Fred! I WAS TALKIN ABOUT ME! SEE MY PENIS! ISN’T IT QUIET LARGE?” Dave: “Uh…..i’m going home….and holding back from killing you. Come on Fred, lets go.” Fred and Dave walk out of Stumpy’s house and walk home. They have hot hoooooot sex all night long. Dave has 20 orgasms that night. The next morning Fred wakes up to find out that Bubba is under the bed unconcious. Fred: “BUBBA! DAVE WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?” Dave: “He bothered me while i was beatin my shit…..and NOBODY bothers me and my penis during the hours of 12:00 AM to 12:00 PM….Eastern Standard time, that is….” Fred: “DAVE! I’M WALKIN OUT EVEN IF THAT WAS THE BEST SEX I EVER HAD! And I’m takin my drunken lover with with me…” Fred carries Bubba and they walk out. As soon as they walk out Dave goes on beatin his shit. The doorbell rings and Dave goes and opens it. It’s Mr. T with a brand new computer! Mr. T: “I pity the fool – ” Dave slams the door on Mr. T’s face right after he takes the computer. He then connects it and logs onto porn to beat his shit.