PLUS: The jokes are on Manchester United fans for Jason Manford and Joe Kinnear's T-shirt design for Yohan Cabaye

To the ranks of the world's unluckiest criminals, let us add the name of Bolton's Anthony Jackson. He is now beginning a two-year jail sentence for handling stolen goods, a charge related to the theft of a designer watch from Sam Allardyce's home in the posh local village of Bromley Cross.

The jokes are on (Man) you

Manchester United supporters with tickets to see Jason Manford's current tour are advised to keep their power dry.

The City fan strode onstage last week to be greeted by a heckler shouting "United!" Said Manford: "I'll do the jokes, son."

Even Robin van Persie appears to be pleased with the Red Devils' demise - at least, according to the BBC Sport website on Saturday night.

Of course, it wasn't always like this, and for proof you only need to look at one magnificent reader comment under a new Guardian online article about fertility clinics: "I knew someone who donated sperm at University; he said that amongst the variety of 'stimulatory material' on offer was a DVD of Manchester United's Greatest Goals."

No escape for Toon fans

There was no escape for Newcastle fans on Saturday. Not if you'd taken the kids to the pantomime in York, where the Tyne-Wear derby's result was announced from the stage by the Dame. Not if you were shopping in the Sunderland branch of Primark, where a store announcement over the Tannoy delivered the news to cheers from the shoppers.

And not even if you were in Oulu, Northern Finland, watching rock legends Deep Purple in concert.

Keyboard player Don Airey is a Black Cats fan, which meant singer Ian Gillan introduced one recent hit with the words, "Lock up your horses, there's gonna be Hell To Pay"!

Even funnier was what happened at SJP after the final whistle on Saturday. Someone let off the disaster alert button and fans left to a timely automated announcement of: "This is an emergency... This is an emergency."

Penny for your thoughts

Last April, the Sunday Times Rich List estimated Michael Owen's personal wealth at £38m. On Saturday, he gave us all a clue as to why that figure is unlikely to go down very much over the years...

No Mo-aning from a Gunner

Mo Farah's reputation as one of the nicest men in sport continues to grow. Our great distance runner proudly wore an Arsenal shirt in Kenya last week as he met the world's press to talk about his chances in the London Marathon.

And he continued to smile even when it was pointed out that he had won 17 medals, 11 of them gold, at European, world and Olympic level since Arsenal last troubled the Duraglit by lifting the 2005 FA Cup.

Deadline Day bargains

Could this be the best-ever reason for a big move breaking down on transfer deadline day? One Premier League club are insisting they had a new signing packed and ready at his local airport on Friday afternoon. But he refused to leave without his girlfriend, who was out shopping, and by the time she turned up the pair could not get a flight.

Very cosy

When you go out on loan from billionaires Man City to brassic Birmingham City, you brace yourself for a slight culture shock. So imagine how relieved Eastlands youngsters Emyr Huws and Albert Rusnak were to join the Midlands club and told they'd be sequestered in Brum's somewhat plush Malmaison hotel.

Yet the good news stopped there as the midfielders were told they'd be sharing a twin room for the duration of their stays. Sadly for fans of Morecambe & Wise, they've since been given a single room apiece.

Caught on tape

With all the chaos at Leeds, you can forgive Noel Hunt for getting a bit confused during a Q&A with the match day programme. Asked, "what was the first CD you ever bought?", the striker confidently replied: "I Am, I Feel by Alisha's Attic, on cassette."

Is this Joe Kinnear's work?

So farewell then, Yohan Kebab. The departure of Newcastle's best player has seen this T-shirt reduced to only £5 in the St James' souvenir shop. Now sceptical fans are wondering whether Joe Kinnear had a hand in the design, as Cabaye wore No.4 rather than 6 for the Toon.

Wicked whisper

Which player, very much the worse for wear on a team bonding night, had to be taken home by team-mates but claimed to have sobered up by the time they pulled up in a taxi and insisted he'd be fine in his own? When they came to collect him for training in the morning he was still asleep on his front doorstep.

Football gaffes

Heard a gaffe? Tweet it using #FootballGaffes or email steve.anglesey@trinitymirror.co.uk

"We have been asked by the FA to remind all surfers about the dangers of flares and polytechnics" - SUNDERLAND PROGRAMME