Elimination (Hypoallergenic) Diet Journal

29 September, 2013

Do I have any friends who know things about dishwashers? A few days ago all the lights went on randomly but I ignored it. Today, I turned it on and it started for about 3 minutes then stopped. Looks like the electricity to it is dead, circuit breaker is fine, all other lights are on in the house. It's 6 months old. Anyone know what's up?

22 September, 2013

I had a few days to wallow in the
anticipation pain since my Thursday appointment, where I got a sneak peak of
the pain that would ensue during placement. I was feeling pretty good, and was
really excited and nervous to have the thing placed and finally be over it all
and move on.

I was given 3 types of drugs from the
Gyno: 1) pill to be inserted the night before, to dilate 2) an anti-inflammatory
that is supposed to block ‘receptors’ and 3) two Tylenol 3’s for pain. I knew
right away I would not be taking those – because I have a high pain tolerance
and the fact T3s never did anything for my pain during my wisdom teeth
extraction. Also I don’t do well on drugs of any kind, so I didn’t want to risk
it.

The night before I started freaking
out. I was actually having a very near panic attack because I did not want to
take the medications. They scared me because I didn’t know if they would make
me feel different, or make me sick. I have anxiety and the thought of waking up
with my body altered (dilated) made me almost sick. I don’t know why it
affected me so much, and it wasn’t the procedure that was scaring me it was
taking the actual medication.

I was talking to two very close friends
(it was around midnight, since they say you should take it a few hours before
the procedure) at the time, and they really helped me calm down. One was a
nurse and he kept stressing that I needed to take them, and it would be over
soon. Eventually I inserted the pill, and took the other by mouth. I was extremely
anxious and I had a hard time sleeping.

The next morning I took the last pill
(one at the time of the pill, the other 30 minutes before the procedure) and
drove to the office. I was excited and nervous again and the pills didn’t
affect me in any way that I noticed.

I got there and was greeted by the
Nurse Practitioner and the Gyno, who were both extremely sweet and reassuring.
I knew because the Nurse was learning it wouldn’t be as fast as I thought. They
said the whole thing takes about 10 minutes, and I’m living the most stressful
part right now: the waiting and prep.

They prepped me and put in the
speculum, like I was having a normal pap test. Everything was fine at this
point but I was getting a bit nervous. I made a conscious decision not to look
at any of the tools they were prepping or had brought in. They then inserted
what I assume was the uterus speculum, which would hold it open.

This part was the part that started to
hurt. I'm not going to lie to you: It didn’t hurt so much as make me feel super
uncomfortable. It wasn’t pain. Like I’ve said before, a brick to the face is
pain. A punch in the gut is pain, cutting your hand is pain. These are all
clear pain feels. This feeling of a long
what felt to be rod, caused instant cramping, intense pressure, and a searing
feeling. I felt like the rod was somewhere it should not have been, like things
aren’t supposed to go up there, it felt extremely foreign, and very very wrong.
I can’t describe it other than in my head all I thought was “get it out get it
out get it out.”

I found myself subconsciously taking in
deep breaths and letting them out. The Gyno and the nurse were both patting my
leg and my foot, and were so great during the whole thing. They kept trying to
downplay it (I know what they were doing) by saying things like “it’s just a
bit of cramping, right? Not that bad, it just feels like you’re on your period,
just some pressure.” Like they were trying to convince me.

I slow breathed in and out for about 5
minutes. The Nurse fumbled a few times as she tried to navigate and the Gyno
had to step in to show her, which added time onto the procedure and I'm sure
didn’t make the pain/uncomforting feeling any better, because they had to
reposition the rod/Mirena. They said they just had to make sure it was in the
right place, because the body can reject it if it’s not. So I'm glad they took
the time to make sure.

They cut the strings, and they tucked
the excess strings into my Cervix. She said they shouldn’t be noticeable to me
or any partners, but I would need to make an appointment in 6 weeks to follow
up on it, and for the Nurse to teach me how to check the strings and tuck them
back in case they were pulled loose. I was a tad disappointed, because I had
hoped once this thing was placed I could just ‘set it and forget it’ as they
say. For 5 years. So I still have to make an appointment for that.

The last week has been great. Monday
(the day of the placement) was the worst, cramp wise. As soon as I left the
clinic I had very intense cramps. The kind that is painful and not dull. Sharp,
searing cramps that I felt like every bump I hit driving home sent me into
barred teeth mode. I was feeling a bit distressed driving, and somewhat light
headed. I think it was nerves and shock more than anything.

The pain was very real and as much as I
could walk around, it was still present enough to remind me my uterus was on
fire. I got home, I took a regular Tylenol, and I headed up several bean bag
things and a hot water bottle. I laid in bed and had the heated bottles just
under my belly button and just lay there. The warmth was soothing and I ended
up staying in bed and an hour, not moving. I was really afraid to get up
because it seemed when I twisted or bend over earlier, it was painful.

I got up slowly and stood up. The pain
was almost gone. I was absolutely amazed. I felt great. The hot water bottle
and the Tylenol really did wonders. I actually went around doing errands,
walking around, etc. I felt great. I left my parents house (I stayed there the
night before since it was closer to the office) and got back to my place around
6pm on Monday night. I started to have some pain again and I took another
Tylenol. It seemed they lasted about 8 hours.

So the next few days I took a Tylenol
maybe 3 times for the pain. It was immediately lesser the next day, and even
less the next. It got to the point that only 3 days later the pain was almost
completely gone for a day at a time. By 5 days I had no residual cramping,
pain, or anything. I was back to my normal self.

What I should mention, is that on
Sunday night before my procedure, I got my period. Which is horrifying and
gross and terrified me. They said it was fine and it may even work to my
benefit since it was being placed at the start of my cycle, and any bleeding or
spotting would just blend in. The Gyno had said that my period may be wonky
now, and I may have spotting for a few weeks.

So the first few days after the
placement, I had a regular period. Nothing wonky, nothing weird. I figure maybe
since it was already starting when the Mirena was placed it would be wonky next
time. I’ve had spotting randomly on and off the past few days, I no longer need
to wear tampons (they said tampons were fine, just don’t cramp them all the way
up there, and you need to remove them every few hours – nothing new to me).

It seems my period ended and I'm just
dealing with residual spotting, which is barely happening. No heavy bleeding or
anything. I'm also excited for next month to see if it affects my skin at all.
Some people take the pill to help clear up their skin, and I know when I
stopped the pill I broke out a bit (of course I was coming up to my period so
maybe that’s why).

Over the next few months I’ll update
you guys on what happens. So far at this moment, I love it. I am so so happy I
did it, and I never have to worry about missing pills, or getting sick again.
Oh that’s one thing I wanted to mention. I was worried the Progesterone would
make me nauseous like the pill did. So far, I haven’t felt sick once. The
waking up in the middle of the night in cold sweat, the constant sick feeling,
and the gut-churning feeling that came with the pill are gone. I can’t believe
it, it makes me so happy! I never thought I could get rid of those feelings and
I did.

Also, no evident mood swings or
depression lows yet. Like I said, I was just on my period so I’ll have to wait
a few months to see what’s period-driven, and what my new average will be. I'm also
excited to see my period lessen over time and then go away altogether (which
can happen). If it goes away forever I would be super excited. It may take
months or years I hear, so I’ll see what the next few weeks bring me first.

If you guys have any questions or feedbacks
at all feel free to ask and let me know, I'm happy to answer any questions. The
one thing I noticed is that not a lot of information exists on people’s in-depth
reviews of Mirena: What it was like, what the procedure was, and what happened
after. So hopefully this blog series will help someone make up their mind or
help aid in their decision.

16 September, 2013

So today I took the day off to go to my consultation. I got
my prescription for the Mirena, picked it up, and was asked to come in to talk
to the Gyno about any concerns I may have and to see if I'm a good candidate.

That kind of scared me because how would they find that out?
So My Nurse Practitioner was actually a delivery room doctor, and was teamed up
with this gynecologist to be trained on how to put in the IUDs. When I got to
the Gyno, she explained that the Nurse would be helping and if I was ok with
that. Apparently the parent company of Mirena, Bayer, instituted a training
program where they took the doctors who have no mistakes (problems with
insertion and issues stemming from poor placement) and teamed them up with other
doctors and nurses so they can learn from the best. It’s a really great idea,
and not only does it help the doctors, but Bayer comes out on top because if
only the best is teaching others, the chances of things that go wrong is less.
It’s a win win.

So I get to the office and am not nervous at all. All I know
is that I’ll be talking to the doctor, and maybe she’ll go through my history
and make sure I'm not a risk. So I fill out all the forms, including when my
last period was, typically how long it goes for, the heaviness of the flow etc.
It asks if cancers run in my family, or if I have any allergies. The typical
health forms.

When the doctor called me in she was very nice; she was
younger, very friendly and immediately she put me at ease. She went through all
the forms, asked me about my bad pap (which was on the form) and asked if I was
in a relationship or not. Apparently, if they feel you have too many partners
or are using the Mirena as the only form of birth control it becomes a concern.
If you become pregnant on Mirena (the slim chance you can, .1%) this could
cause miscarriages, infertility, tearing, or death. So it’s serious.

I explained I wasn’t in a serious relationship (or any) and
I didn’t have a steady partner like she asked. She said that was fine as long
as I ‘continue’ to use condoms. I say it like that because everyone is dumb
sometimes and we don’t. And it’s stupid and a terrible idea we know but we do
it anyway.

She went through all the forms, explained that the IUD was 100%
reversible. It’s great (and recommended) for mothers who have had children and
who don’t want any more right now, or are for women who don’t foresee starting
a family. The Mirena is a long term solution (5 years) and stays inside the
uterus for 5 years. You don’t take it out, you don’t change it, and you don’t
touch it. It literally stays inside you. That can be kind of scary to some
people. They have long strings that come out of the uterus into the cervix that
can be used to take the device out. As soon as the device is out it will take
between 2-3 months to start getting your period back and for the opportunity to
conceive. So this is a great method for those who may want (more) children in
the future, but know they don’t want any in the foreseeable future. If you
change your mind and want kids in 2 years, no problem; it’s reversible. It
really is a smart device.

At the end of the consultation she said she needed to take
some measurements to see if I was a good candidate physically. Apparently some
women have smaller uteruses and they need to be at least 6 inches in length.
She was checking due to procedure, but also because I'm a small girl, and she
wanted to make sure I wasn’t hurt if they tried to insert it and it wouldn’t
fit. If your uterus is not at least 6 inches the chances of your body
dispelling it is much higher. It needs space to sit properly and so it is not
rejected from the body.

She asked me to lay down and she would do a quick measurement.
She said I would feel cramping like I was having my period, and discomfort.
Immediately I became very nervous and noticed that she had an actual measuring
tape on the counter along with speculum (metal car-jack type thing that holds
you open when you go to your pap).

The speculum part was no problem, as I mentioned I have had
tons of paps in the past due to my bad cells, and it doesn’t bother me at all.
At first she couldn’t find the opening to my Cervix, apparently it’s small so
she was concerned she wouldn’t be able to get into it easily. She eventually
navigated through that and tried to put the measuring tape through my cervix and
into the uterus. She had a problem at first, because my uterus wouldn’t open. She
put a little metal tip on the tool she used, which acted like a speculum for
the uterus, and held it open. This was extremely uncomfortable. I felt the tool
and I felt the tape measure (not inside my uterus but pass through the
opening).

Before I went, I asked a few friends and pharmacists about
any experiences they had with the IUD. I also looked them up online
extensively. 85% of the people said that the insertion was the worst pain they’d
ever experienced. I take that with a grain of salt because chances are good
these people haven’t had babies, and they may be sensitive to pain. Plus I'm not
so I didn’t pay it much mind. However, the rest of the reviews said that it was
very uncomfortable and painful in a different way.

I feel like I should preface this next paragraph with this:
I have a very, very high pain tolerance. Tattoos, piercings, laser hair
removal, falls, epilating (seriously I did this for years, look this up it’s
scary), cuts, etc. I can take it very well. I hardly ever flinch and I never
say anything or make noise or cry out or any of that. In fact, side bar – my laser
hair removal technician told me she has never seen someone with my pain
tolerance before, she never have seen anyone not even flinch before (it hurt
but not enough for me to flail around). That being said, this uterus excavation
was not pain.

Getting hit in the face with a brick is pain (I can
imagine). Getting kicked in the gut is pain. Getting needles is even pain for
some people. Pinched? That’s pain too. This small tiny measurement up my uterus
was not pain. It was a very very uncomfortable feeling. It felt like my whole
pelvic region and internal insides instantly cramped up, and not menstrual cramps,
but cramps like Charlie Horse cramps (I don’t ever get menstrual cramps, or
maybe I do but they don’t hurt so I don’t notice them). I felt the rod and the
tape measure and it felt like sharp long sticks in my gut. It wasn’t pain, but
a very unsettling sensation. I was very uncomfortable and caught myself
twisting my mouth in a weird pursing look. I shocked myself. I expected pain,
and this was worse.

She was only up there for less than a minute but the second
she pulled all the equipment out I felt myself relax with relief. “Oh shit” I
thought to myself. If that was just a tape measure, what will the actual
procedure feel like? Can’t turn back now!

To be honest, It lasted 40 seconds and wasn’t THAT bad. If
you’re uncomfortable or feel pain during your regular pap smear, this may be a
bit much for you. But it took almost no time and she determined I had 7 inches,
which was a good candidate for the Mirena.

She said I may spot a bit, and experience moderate cramping
for a few hours, which is normal. I actually didn’t spot at all and I had very
minimal cramping at most maybe an hour altogether. She made an appointment for me
to come back that Monday for the procedure. I had to bring my Mirena I bought
with me, and I was told the procedure start to finish would take 10-15 minutes,
with 10 being prep work and cleaning the area first.

I was starting to get really exciting but anxious. She gave
me a prescription for a few pills to fill and take, which I will explain more
in my next post, about the actual insertion.

The device, pros, cons, and why I wanted an IUD instead of Pills.Read all the journals hereWelcome to my journal based on my IUD experience! I thought maybe
it would be a good idea to document what happens to me so that others who are
looking into it, or already have it, can see what I'm experiencing so they can
get a first-hand look at someone who has gotten it.

About 3 weeks ago I went in to see my
family doctor for my PAP and checkup. I had had a bad PAP once when I was 22 in
2007, which meant they found some of my cells were mutated. This can happen for
a few reasons but I remember bring terrified. Apparently it happens a lot to
lots of women and it's almost never something to worry about. I remember the
nurse telling me that if I left it unchecked and it was that one rare case, it
could turn into the C word. But she said there were lots of stages before that
and I shouldn't worry.

For the next year I went back every 3-6
months for follow ups, and each time my test was clear. After a year of clear
tests they take you off the watch list. That was relieving. I had just started
birth control a few years before, and had switched it once already. Someone had
said it may have been the hormones, or the estrogen in the pills. Either way it
was something I didn't want again.

The pill (Alesse) I took first made me
nauseas to the point of throwing up and feeling out of commission for several
hours during the first 1-5 days of the pill. It was literal torture. With food,
morning or night - it made no difference. I felt horrible. I remember asking
the pharmacist if this was normal and she told me "unfortunately people with
lower body mass are affected more because there are more hormones going through
your body and not that much fat or mass to disperse it to." So for 2-3
years I was on that thing, heaving and skipping class due to crippling nausea.

I changed the brand another time (Linessa), which
lead to less sickness, but I was more prone to mood drops and I found myself
having a lot of 'lows'. I would feel depressed, sad, or the only other way I
can describe it is "monotone." I didn't feel like myself, I felt like
I was just going through my life without participating in it.

Another drawback for me was how it
affected my libido. I'm a young woman, and was in a long term, committed
relationship. I felt myself becoming less interested in having a sexual
relationship, and I felt more and more dissatisfied with that aspect of my
relationship with my then boyfriend. I'm sure it was a mix of other things as
well, but I had no sexual desire or feelings. I thought maybe my relationship
was in a rut, and maybe it was, but I felt like this was not normal. I learned
some women have less of a sex drive when taking these pills and the hormone
concoctions including the dreaded Estrogen affected my libido as well as other
women's.

I mentioned this all to my Nurse
Practitioner and asked if maybe she knew of or recommended another form of
contraceptive. She told me doctors don't really recommend the shot, but there
was the Nuva Ring and the patch. None of these seemed appealing to me and I had
heard stories about each in a bad light. She then said what about an IUD?

The connotation I had about the term IUD
was an old, 70's method that is implanted inside you that is scary looking. She
laughed and said it's come along way. There was a brand of IUD, Mirena, (by
Bayer) that has a reservoir of Progesterone that releases slowly over time. It
was a long term solution, lasting 5 years (other copper IUDs have no hormones
and last inside for 3 years). The effectiveness rate for the Mirena is 99.8%,
where as the pill when taken 100% correctly was only 99.1, but normally how
people take the pill, the effectiveness drops to 90%. This includes people who
take it at different times of the day or miss a pill and take two one day. This
was definitely me, I would always forget. She said unless you take it at the
exact hour and approx minute each day you're looking at 90% or less. That's
scary, I didn't know that.

The Mirena is the only IUD (that I know
of) that has a hormone, but it's not a myriad of hormones like the pill. IT has
no estrogen, which is especially important for me because that's what caused a
lot of my libido and mood swings. Also Estrogen (and the pill in general)
increases your risk of uterine cancers and breast cancers. That's pretty
terrifying that a pill meant to help you can cause so much damage to your body.

After this chat I was super interested in
the Mirena. The Nurse told me she had one, and it's been in for about 3 years.
She loves it. She said it's a godsend for people who do not have normal
periods, too heavy, sporadic, or those that bleed for weeks non-stop. The IUD
corrects it and in most cases delivers a normal, light period to those
suffering. She said if your period is already regular or light, the chances of
having a period at all after a few months or a year increases. Apparently some
women notice their period become lighter each month and then disappear
forever.

Of course good comes with bad. Bad is the
risk of a perforated or punctured uterus. This can cause infection, and in
extreme cases means you aren't able to bare children. The percentage of
puncturing is 0.01%, or one in a thousand. I'll take those odds.

I decided right then I would do this, and
asked the Nurse to refer me to the gynecologist and prescribe me the actual
Mirena to purchase. The receptionist told me that the Nurse would write me a prescription
as soon as they got a referral appointment for the gynecologist. I would get a
phone call giving me an appointment for an IUD consultation, and then I could
pick up the prescription for the Mirena at my family doctor when that happened.

IT took about 2 weeks but I finally got my
consultation appointment, and they had written me a prescription for the Mirena
that I could fill and bring with me.

My brother and I were never close, even as twins. He was a few hours younger, and I was a few hundred shades more of a dick.

His IQ rendered him gifted, and he was teased a lot for his
social awkwardness. He was awarded almost every science and math award given
each year, and he already had letters from Brown and Harvard offering him early
acceptance next year. He loved things like Star Trek, dressing up like comic
book heroes, and playing tons of video games. He had a select crew of friends
that were society’s rejects: too fat, too skinny, teen mustaches, or bad dragon
bowling shirts. I never let him hear the end of it.

Every time someone would come up to me on the football
field, or in the gym, or even in the hallways of our high school, they would say
“is Jet your brother?” and I would always say “I'm not like him.”

I wasn’t anything like him. I was tall, strong, captain of
the football team, square jaw and blue eyes. I had blonde hair and broad
shoulders, and I was gunning for prom king. My brother was short, scrawny, and
had a mop of curly black hair onto of his head. He was in the Chess Club, AV
Society, and Comic Book Club. He’d never had a girlfriend who was remotely
attractive, and his friends were all weirdoes who played with toys in their
rooms.

I may be the popular kid but I had my own problems. My
football scholarship was to a small state school, and I needed to maintain a B average
to play. My parents were proud. Secretly I was afraid I wasn’t smart enough for
even a local college. I was afraid of being compared to Jet. Girls would laugh
and say “Jet got the brains but you got the looks.” We’d laugh because nobody
knew how scared I was inside.

It was just after Christmas and we were at my aunts for
dinner. While we sat around watching the folks eat peanut brittle and playing
backgammon, I excused myself.

It was a really chilly evening. The night was already dark
just after dinner, and it had just started snowing. Someone will tell you that
snow doesn’t have a smell, but that person is wrong. Snow smells like something
new. I wandered down the stairs through the basement hall to the sliding door.
The fire crackled across the room and I unlocked the door and slid it open, popping
my head out to the back patio that housed several feet of crisp, untouched
snow. The flakes melted as they touched my blonde hair, and the water pooled in
snowflake-sized drops on my cheeks.

I looked up at the stars and I breathed in. The pressure from
school, the pressure from sports, and the pressure of being somebody who may
not be smart enough to get into college melted with those flakes. The lake
outside was frozen, and the icy wind ran through the trees like a frozen
whisper. I shuffled on my uncles slippers by the door and stepped outside,
greeted by a chill and a crispness in the air. I heard a shuffle and startled,
jumped to face the noise, heart beating wildly.

Jet sat on the porch swing in his winter coat, boots, and
hat. There was a giant blue scarf wrapped around his neck and matching blue
gloves were holding little figurines, he was turning them over in his hands

.

Jet looked up at me and smiled. “Hey.”

“Hey.”

“I can’t eat anymore peanut brittle.” He smiled again. “Aunt
Merle got me these. He held out his mitted hand and extended the figures to me.

I took a few steps forward and plucked them from his hand,
the wind swirling my light polo around my waist and flowing up my back.

They were little cloaked men. Faces clad with black hoods
and little weapons were in each hand.

“I painted these two earlier. You give them a coat of
hairspray and they dry faster.” His gentle smile was very pleased with himself.
I looked closer.

The little men were all hand-drawn. The hoods, weapons, they
were all painted with alarming intricacy. I must have met his gaze with a
question on my face because he took a deep breath, seemingly smelling the air
outside as well, and moved his scarf down to talk a bit clearer.

“They’re ninjas.”

“Oh… You did a good job painting them.” I examined one more
closely. The stripes on the base of his sword were visible, as well as the
metal etchings on his stars.

“I know you don’t think that stuff is cool – actually, I know
you don’t think I'm cool. But, I just wanted to let you know that as much as I'm
a dork, I'm happy. I like who I am.” He looked up at me with soft blue eyes –
brought out by the new scarf on his neck – and smiled so I could see how red
his cheeks were from the cold. “And I look up to you. When I leave for college,
I’ll be telling everyone the star quarterback in my hometown is my brother.”

I couldn’t help it. Tears welled in my eyes. My brother, the
genius, the guy who would never have to worry about finding a good job, or
affording a nice car, or staying in our town looked up to me? I had spent years
tormenting and laughing at him. I had said countless times how I was embarrassed
of him and here he was after all that, here he was proud of me. And my ability
to throw a football.

Jet saw my eyes and the smile vanished from his face and was
replaced by worry.

“Kell, I didn’t mean to… I was serious.” He stood up and
looked at me, cocking his head like he was trying to see through my mask. He
placed his mitted hand on my arm. “You’re a great brother, a great friend, and
you’re a good person. You’re really good at football. You can throw the ball
maybe a dozen feet further than anyone else on the team.” He smirked. I looked
at him.

“How do you know that?”

He looked curious. “Kell, I go to all your games, of course.”

Tears streamed down my face and dropped silently into the
snow. I was suddenly unaware of the cold I just felt a hot, humiliating sting
of shame on my face. I’d never gone to any of his events. Not one. Not ever.

I looked down at the painted figures in my hand before
grasping them. I pulled Jet into a hug, and wrapped my arms around his
shoulders. The warmth of his winter coat soothed the icy burn on my skin and I
knew I surprised him. He returned the hug and we stood there, enveloped by the
darkness and floating snow.

02 September, 2013

We were on the porch swing when his large rough
hands held my delicate face, he had asked me the same thing he had being doing
since I met him.

We had been meeting for years, each year on the
anniversary of our meeting for a weekend. Each year we would slip away from our
lives like water droplets sliding off of the fast and beautiful cars he drove,
clinging to each other before we fell and hit the pavement. We would wait the
entire year again for it to rain, to feel like we were on top of the world
again, and our love was the answer to every question that came up.

“Why won’t you leave him?” His beautiful brown eyes
searched the glassy blue of my own, and his eyebrows furrowed slightly as if
he’d been asking the same question all of his life; and he had. His hand –
scarred with the calluses of hard labour and his job – caressed my neck and he
drew his fingers one by one down my neck before grasping it like it may topple
from my shoulders due to the weight of the world I carried.

I brought up my hand to meet his own and stroked it
lightly, reassuring him with touch and confirming everything we had brought up
before; a continuous and ever-circulating fountain that poured the same answers
every time it bubbled to the surface.

Our torrid love affair had been going on for almost
5 years. I’d whisk away to a reclusive cottage to recharge my writer’s battery
and work on new material for my novels, and he’d travel halfway across the
country for his restoration and classic car convention. This is how we met.

***

I was 25 and in the prime of my life. I had nailed
a great job writing for a reputable newspaper, while pursuing my lifelong
dreams of becoming a published author and novelist on the side. It was working
beautifully and I had managed to find an agent who was taking me to the top. I
used the column to push my wares and highlight my own efforts, which was
frowned upon but management simply smiled and rolled their eyes at me. As long
as I didn’t hurt their bottom line I could plug my work.

I was the casualty of young love – university
relationships that never quite ebbed and flowed with my changing personality.
But, I was in love and he was a wonderful man. Our families got along famously,
it also needs to be said that his father owned the newspaper I was working for.
Our lives married so much into one another’s that nobody knew where mine
started and blue eyed Lukas’ stopped. I wouldn’t say I had doubts, but I was
blissfully content at being averagely happy. It wasn’t enough to try to leave,
and I knew I would be happy.

We exchanged vows the year before to my mother’s
protest. She was always of the mind that women shouldn’t marry before 30,
because nobody knew what they wanted to who we really were. In hindsight, she
couldn’t have been more right.

At the start of that summer I was sent to Upstate
New York to cover several classic car shows to cover for a friend who couldn’t
make it. I normally did entertainment, Opinion, and Reviews but I was asked to
fill in. My job got me a beautiful room in an equally beautiful cottage not far
from where the show would be held. It was a stunning Victorian home, with
sprawling green fields every which way and a wraparound porch that housed a few
comfortable rocking chairs. The tables beside them normally held chilled
glassed of iced Tea, condensation running down the smooth etched glass and
pooling below into the fabric of homemade coasters.

I spent the first few days holed up on those
rocking chairs, cradling my laptop and sipping sweet teas, typing loosely as
the smells of wheat grass and several types of trees made its way on the wind
through my hair and onto my skin. This
was somewhere I wanted to be again, I had no doubt of that.

The first day at the car show wielded a very
eye-opening experience, which lead me to believe I was definitely not meant to
write about cars. Sure the polished chrome and steels were seductive, and the
paint was bold and bright, but the topic bored me to tears. I spent the first
few hours wondering somewhat aimlessly up and down the rows of the Chevrolet
area of the open field, now spotted with hundreds of antique and restored cars,
dotting the landscape with colours not normally seen in nature.

After filling several pages of my notebook I
decided I would head back to the cottage for lunch and maybe come back during
the evening. Evening events always boasted the best entertainment, with open
bars and music, the event turned into more of a networking and social scene,
where car buffs and those in the industry could discuss the latest trend or piece
of work.

I set out for my loaner car past several rows of
car-meatheads: a group of younger men who I would bet spent their entire lives
on their cars. As I walked by, wind swirling my blonde hair, it caught my
notebook and up like a tornado my notes went. I watched in horror as they
scattered all over the men and the cars, surprised shouts when paper landed on
their heads or in their popped hoods.

I started rushing to each piece, grabbing it along
with handfuls of grass, murmuring apologies while trying to organize the
sheets. I got to the last piece and as I reached to grab it so did someone
else. Our hands touched for a brief second, and before he let go a jolt of
electricity surged through me. I stood up and shielded my eyes from the blaring
sun enough to see a tall man, build like a wall, olive skin and beautiful brown
eyes smiling.

“You ought to get a stapler or something.” His
light upper Midwest accent was barely audible but it brought a smile to my
lips. I shook his extended hand.

“Adeline. Call me Addy.” I smiled as we shared a
handshake. He laughed.

“Well in that case call me Rick. Maverick. And yes,
that’s my real name. Don’t ask. Are you coming back tonight? We’re setting up
the cars in the 1950’s area; you’re welcome to stop by.”

“Well, that sounds like fun, Rick, but I have to go
back to my hotel and type these notes up.” I started walking away without
thinking. “Um I'm a reporter. Thanks for this.” I held up the last piece of
paper he’d given me as I awkwardly bumbled away, waving the paper in the air as
I sped walked past him. He looked confused but smiled and waved. I literally
just ran away from the most beautiful man I’ve ever met. Probably for the best,
I told myself. Looking back, it wouldn’t have changed anything.

Back at the hotel I showered, typed up my notes,
and called my husband. The whole time I was speaking to him I tried my best to
listen but my mind was laser-focused on Rick. He was incredibly beautiful. The
second time I caught myself not listening I said goodbye and promised to call
him when I got back tonight. I dressed and took time doing my hair and makeup.
As press, you never know who will want a photo with me. I repeated that to
myself several times before I started to believe that was the reason. When I
was satisfied I grabbed my notebook and headed out to the party.

It didn’t take long to run into Maverick, what a coincidence
I happened to walk by his area. He shouted at me and waved me over. My heart
sped in my chest. I took several deep breaths and told myself he’s attractive
but I'm not attracted to him. This is normal.

We ended up spending the entire length of the party
together. He introduced me to his car buddies, his boss from his shop who came
with him to the show, and even let me take his 1956Cadillac Coupe de Ville convertible (10mph but
still). After a few hours the party started to dwindle and die down. It was bad
but I only had one day left before I had to go home, and I needed to be around
Rick. He made my heart jump and skip, his accidental brushes of his hand made
me electric.

We sat in a circle, leaning on the cars, a few of
Rick’s buddies drinking beer and smoking, me leaning nonchalantly close to
Rick, my hip touching his leg.

“When do you want to head out Mav?” One of Rick’s
friends spouted the words I dreaded to hear all night in-between sips of beer.
Rick looked at me out of the corned of his eye and I could see him thinking. I
needed to do something before he left.

“You guys are welcome to come back to my hotel. It’s
a beautiful cottage, it has a large private deck and it’s big enough for
everyone.” Rick’s head snapped to meet my eyes and before I could follow up
with “OR I could see you tomorrow” he said,

“Ya I'm in. Boys?” The guys looked around at each
other and nodded, raised eyebrows.

“Sure I'm up for a night cap.” They muttered in
agreement as they picked up their things and headed to their rides.

“I thought I may as well come with you, so I know
how to get back.” Rick stepped along beside me, huge grin on his face and hands
in his pockets. I smiled back.

We stayed up smoking and drinking until early in
the morning. Three times my phone rang, and three times I let it go to the
machine. One by one Rick’s friends petered out until it was Rick and I laying
on a blanket in front of the porch on the grass, stars twinkling and the euphoria
I felt was unparalleled. We stared up at the sky, no doubt both our hearts
beating hard in our chests, legs touching side by side as if by accident.
Crickets and cicadas echoes through the trees and into the open meadow and the
sound of the wind through the leaves made me think this was a dream.

“How long have you been married?” His words cut
through the early-morning soundtrack like a knife, and for the first time all
evening I remembered I was married. What was I doing? “Before you say anything,
I'm engaged.” I felt like a bucket of ice water was thrown in my face and I was
paralyzed. My beautiful dream was now a deformed, sick reality. “I saw the
ring.” He held his breath and it sounded like he nervous to hear my answer.

I took a deep breath, “just under a year. We dated
in college…” I paused, “It made sense at the time.” There. I said it out loud.
I had never said it before. Or thought it but I felt it.

“We’ve dated for 10 years, since we were teenagers.
She gave me an ultimatum. She’s a great woman, so I don’t know why I was having
a hard time proposing. I don’t know, it just didn’t seem…” He trailed off, and
I heard regret in his voice.

“Didn’t seem right?” I finished. We both turned out
heads sideways to face each other, on our backs looking at the stars this was a
moment I thought would be important.

“I don’t know you at all, Abby,” My heart started
to beat faster and my skin was suddenly on fire, “and I hope you don’t mind me
saying this but tonight was one of the most fun I’ve ever had.” He looked at
me, eyes deep and dark, searching my face. “I’ve… God damn Abby, I’ve never
felt this way until now. With you.” He sat up and looked down at me, visibly
agitated.

I sat up immediately and we were inches apart. “Is
it possible to have two people click after just meeting? While two others spend
years together and don’t?” My heart was a jackhammer, I knew what was going to
happen and I could stop it. I could stop it right now. I could get up, say
goodnight, and walk into the hotel. I could walk into my room, lock the door,
call Lukas and leave tomorrow.

I could but I didn’t.

I grabbed his head and pulled his mouth onto mine,
instantly shocked by the electricity running through the contact. His kiss was
virtually electrifying. His lips were soft and enveloped my own, his hands all
of a sudden in my hair and all over my back. We grappled with our shirts and
fell back onto the dewy grass, completely missing the blanket. Shoes and my bra
came off before I noticed and then I felt the aching need inside me fill as
Rick slid into me. I gasped as he hit ever nerve on the way in.

His hands clamped onto my lower back and he pulled
me onto him, and we worked in a rhythm frantically clawing at each other as we
rolled on the grass, kissing like we had reached the pit of passion inside us
both. I never wanted this to end. My skin was on fire and Rick growled and
snarled into my hair as he came, I followed him while sliding my hand down his
barrel chest. We lay in a heap, still connected for a long time, listening to
each other’s breathing and kissing and nipping at each other playfully. I had
no regrets. I never would.

The next day we skipped the car show. We made our
way inside eventually, showered, and made love again. And again when we woke
up. We spent the entire morning and afternoon in bed. After that, Rick headed
to the shower again, kissing my forehead and smiling. I lay there completely elated
until my cell phone went off. Reality smacked me in the face and my face
flushed as I jumped out of bed in search for my phone.

“Hi babe,” I tried to act casual, “Just at the hotel,
getting packed and ready to head to the airport. Yep, I’ll call you when I'm there.
Hope you have a good day too, ok, love you, bye.” I set the phone quietly on
the dresser and turned around to find Rick in a towel in the doorway. His eyes
were hurt and his expression was solemn.

“That was, my…” My voice cracked and I searched for
something to say to make this reality disappear. Instead of saying anything
Rick unwrapped his towel and let it drop to the floor. He stood naked and
statuesque in front of me; his stunning physique equaled hours working out. He
walked silently toward me and grabbed my wrist with one hand, pulling me into
him. He smelled of spice and shampoo, skin soft and supple from the water. He
kissed my neck and breathed into my ear.

“He may have you when you go back, but you’re with
me now. And you’re mine.” He picked me up under my ass with his forearm wrapped
around me and threw me gently onto the bed. Looking me in the eyes he firmly
held me down while he caressed and touched my body. He entered me with a slight
force and kept a slow and steady pace until my world shattered around me and my
back arched up in response. I would enjoy every second of him before I had to
leave.

I would
never get enough of this man.

***

Here we sat at the cottage, 5 years later, and the
fifth year in a row we reunited. I had even gotten the same room overlooking
the meadow where we made love the first time.

We sat on the porch swing hands clasped together in
silence, knowing this would be our last hour before we needed to depart. I
smiled thinking of my boss earlier this week when I made arrangements to go to
the car show again.

“You’re our best columnist Addy, why would you
waste time with that car show crap? Get a junior to do it.” My boss had rolled
his eyes when I requested the press pass again this year but he smiled. “I don’t
know what it is about you and this dang car show. I didn’t even know you liked
cars.”

I toyed with the memory in my head, rolling it
around and dissecting it. I was so happy when we had made the plans. We had
talked for hours the week before planning it all. My husband and my son would
be out of town visiting his mother’s, and his wife was out of the country on
business for a few days. We spent every waking minute talking to each other.
Giggling and laughing - reminiscing.

And here we were, yet another year flown by,
another year of devastating heartbreak when we left. He took my chin in his
hand and brought it up to meet his face. He planted a very gentle, very soft
kiss on my lips. When he pulled away he had tears in his eyes. He held my face
in his hands and asked me the same thing he’d asked me every year.

“Why won’t you leave him?” He didn’t ask it to
evoke as response. He knew why. I had a son. Until you’re a parent you don’t
realize that as a parent you would literally do anything for your children.
Including sacrificing your own happiness to give them a stable life. If I left
my son would stay in Boston with Lukas, because I would have to move to
California. Rick had a shop; he had a business and responsibilities. He couldn’t
move. I could, but my son would stay with Lukas.

How do I know? Lukas told me, on another of our
arguments. If I ever left custody would go to him. His family had the money and
the power. It was a battle I wouldn’t win and didn’t dare.

“Can I see
him again, do you have something recent?” His eyes lit up. I smiled as I
reached for my purse and started to dig out my wallet. I pulled a small photo
out and handed it to him. Rick’s eyes watered and a single tear slid down his
cheek. I looked at him. This man, this man was everything to me. He was my
entire world.

Now, Lukas was handsome in a nice looking way. He
had kind blue eyes, blonde hair like my own, and a small frame. But looking at
Rick, he was a whole different creature. Rick’s deep brown eyes held his soul.
He was a few inches over 6 feet and shoulders as wide as a football field.

I watched this gorgeous man as he fingered the
photo, gingerly tracing my sons face and cupping it with his other hand. He
looked at me.

“Can I keep this?” Tears filled my eyes as they
fell silently down my cheeks. He brought up a finger to swipe each one away and
kissed me again.

“Of course you can.” We both smiled and looked down
at the photo of this handsome 4 year old, with big beautiful brown eyes. Just
like his fathers.

Carion looked at me, his brown
eyes now paling at the fear that once held them. The twisted metal around us
groaned with the weight of the other car, the space closing slowly with the
sharp shrieks of crushed steel.

He took his free hand and reached
up and clasped it around mine, arms stretched across the driver’s seat to the
passengers where I hung suspended. His hand was bloody and I wasn't sure whose
it was; mine dripping down, his from the weight of the other car crushing his
body, or - worse to think about - the blood from the other car running down the
shattered remains of the window and pooling around Carion's feet.

Here he sat, knowing. My best
friend was dying in front of me and I was stuck in the seat belt that held me
sideways. His brown hair melted into his forehead with sweat and smears of
somebody's blood. He started to smirk and rubbed my hand gently with his thumb.

All the feelings I had
bubbled and rushed to the surface like an eruption, everything I suppressed for
so long and for "the right reasons" suddenly seemed so stupid. We
wanted to stay friends. He wanted desperately to keep the friendship and we
decided that cutting off the emotional feelings that were starting to come to
light was the best way.

I watched him marry his
girlfriend. He was in my hospital room for the birth of my first child. He brought
roses and stayed at my house the entire night when my step-mom died.

This was my person. The one I
watched live his life without me for 10 years, re-enacting scenarios I had come
up with for us in my head for so long before.

All I could do was cry. Hot
tears streamed down my face as my chest convulsed in silent tears. He just
looked at me with those fearless eyes.

"I've never loved anyone
the same."

"We will be fine,"
my voice shook with false bravado at the lie I spouted.

"It was always you."

I heard shouting and sirens
as my body flushed with relief. I started to scream out, letting the paramedics
know that we were alive.

I turned back to watch him just
as his hand slipped off mine and his eyes fill with tears of our life together.
In slow motion I grappled for his arm before it fell away out of my reach and
his eyes closed.

Hands reached behind me and I
felt pressure against my chest. The seat belt was cut and I was pulled back
through the broken window. I fought to escape, to touch him and take him with
me. I screamed and fought as I watched the wreckage of the car and my life get
smaller and smaller as I was strapped in and wheeled away.