Volvo announces bleak new strategy

Volvo has this week revealed plans to make more of its Swedish heritage by capitalising on the popularity of bleak Scandinavian crime dramas.

One of the first signs of this initiative will be new paint colours across the whole Volvo range including ‘Vast landscape white’, ‘Huge, unfriendly, endless sky grey’ and ‘Long-dead body of the missing prostitute blue’.

Longer term, sources in Gothenburg say they plan to introduce an in-car entertainment system that adds thoughtful pauses to your music, a sat-nav that automatically takes you to the coldest, starkest place in the local area and a re-programmed stop-start system that stays off for absolutely ages, really focussing the mind on the silence and the aching futility of everything.

‘Pfffffffff…’ sighed Volvo marketing director Benny Outovabba staring wistfully out of his office window at an icy grey landscape. ‘It’s all just…’ he added, trailing off as if extremely deep in thought.

Volvo’s new and rather depressing strategy will be announced formally next week with the launch of new special edition, the V70 Wallander, featuring a re-tuned chassis that is said to be optimised for driving from the left to the right of your screen along a very long, very straight, slightly raised road with a massive sky above it.