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Topic : 09/07 Dark Family Secrets

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Created on : Friday, September 02, 2005, 11:04:45 am

Author : DrPhilBoard1

After years of suffering in silence, a family turns to Dr. Phil for help on a forbidden topic. Their silence stems from years of incest that took place between all five siblings. Becky, the oldest sister, is terrified those years of molestation and pain could cause her younger brother, Kenny, to die on the streets as a homeless drug addict. Find out what happens when Kenny faces his brothers and sisters as they confront their incestuous past. Plus, Alexis wants help with a heart-breaking secret. Her father got her pregnant eight times, beginning when she was just 15. Her children don't know that their grandfather is also their dad. Should Alexis tell them? Talk about the show here.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

Bravo Dr. Phil Show!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The topic of child sexual abuse MUST be addressed by those in a positon to pull back the curtain of shame and secrecy on this topic...too often victims and survivors of insest are met with "the wall of silence".

The long-term effects of insest and child sexual abuse are hideous!!!!!!!! Survivors are re-victimized when the abuse is denied, minimized, rationalized, or intellectuallized.

While I was waiting to see my doctor one day I flipped through a Canadian Geographic magazine in her waiting room. I read an article about scientists for wildlife preservation doing studies on animals in the Canadian arctic…animals such as wolves, polar bears, caribou etc. In the article it talked about how the elders of the arctic peoples are upset by the experiments being done on the animals…experiments like putting radio collars on wolves to track their movement and behavior. The elders say it changes the animals. One particular comment made by Norma Kassi, a Yukon Environmentalist, jumped out at me. She said...

"Once an animal has been touched by a human, they act differently. Their psychology is changed. It takes the wildness out of them.

I consider this to be a profound statement, in that if being touched by a human can permanently alter the psychology of a wild animal…it lends proof to the theory that a child who has been sexually molested by an adult is changed forever, psychologically and physiologically. Naturally, these things are just not supposed to happen…humans violating wild animals for scientific study and adults violating children for personal sexual gratification.

If people can be disturbed by the fact that the well being of a few wild animals is being sacrificed for the good of the survival of the species…why aren’t people outraged by the fact that 1 in 4 of our most precious resource…our children, is being sacrificed for the sake of secrecy and shame?

As being touched by a human destroys an animal’s wildness… being violated by an adult destroys the innocence of a child’s.

Unfortunately, some violated humans unlike wild animals…aren’t only changed; they go on to be violators!!!

Maybe we should tell the animals to just, “Get over it”, as many victims and survivors of child sexual abuse are told to do.

The survivor of Child sexual abuse is not the only victim, or the only one affected by the act, or more commonly “acts”. The future children and spouses of survivors are also affected in ways they are not prepared for because often the long-term effects are not consciously linked with the abuse in the survivors own mind. The parents of the survivor are victims as the guilt a parent experiences over having not been able to protect their child is also long term and devastating to them, as they watch their child grow and suffer the long-term effects of child sexual abuse. Often the parent is also suffering these same long-term effects themselves, as the pattern of abuse is repeated through generations of a family because time and time again, it is swept under the carpet and never addressed. People are ashamed that it is happening in their family…they feel it is a reflection on them and their character. So when it is discovered that a child is being or has been sexually molested by another family member…it is covered up. Do not speak…is the mantra of the family diseased by CSA. “Think of the family name”…”Don’t bring shame to the family”. I say it’s only an illusion of family…because families don’t sacrifice their own for the sake of “appearance”.

If you visit [http://www.aifs.gov.au/nch/issues9.html#lon] you will read...

“There is now an established body of knowledge clearly linking a history of child sexual abuse with higher rates in adult life of depressive symptoms, anxiety symptoms, substance abuse disorders, eating disorders and post-traumatic stress disorders”

In my opinion, this is the short list of the conditions and symptoms that are linked to a history of Child Sexual Abuse.

In Marilyn VanDerbur’s book, Miss America by Day, she recalls confronting her father after years of repressing the memories of the sexual abuse inflicted upon her by him, between the ages of 5 and 10. He said something to her that I also find profound. He said, “If I had known what it would do to you, I never would have done it.” If that statement is true…then what sexual abuse does to a child is something that needs to be said…often and loudly. There are people out there that need to hear this. Child sexual abuse is cruel and violent and vicious. Child sexual abuse destroys lives.

If you were sexually abused and you are having thoughts or urges to sexually abuse a child….STOP…call a mental health professional and make an appointment. You do not have the right to inflict on another child what was inflicted on you.

If your child has been sexually abused…SPEAK…to your doctor. Your child will need therapy to effectively deal with what was done to them.

If you have been abused, no matter how long ago, and are suffering long-term effects... TALK...to a therapist, councilor or support group.

People who have the courage to SPEAK break chains.

The difference between the adult who suffers the long-term effects of child sexual abuse and the paraplegic who was put in a wheelchair for life by a drunk driver is the paraplegic’s injuries are obvious. The damage to his spinal cord can be seen on an x-ray. There is no technology that can show you the damage to a child’s spirit. Would you say to a paraplegic, “Get over it!”? …Would you say, “Get up and walk you whiner!”? Even if his spinal cord had not been completely severed it would take intensive physiotherapy to be able to walk again. What would happen if his wounds were ignored or he was told, “It’s all in your head”?

I too was a victim of molestation

Got pregnant at 15 with my father's baby, was given an abortion by my mother. Was abused from infancy until I finally left and then was raped twice. Needless to say, my siblings and I were a mess. My siblings haven't recovered so well. They chose a life of crime and drugs, last time I saw them was at my Mother's funeral in 1976. I was pulled out of high school at 16 to work in a factory. I chose to look for a path that wouldn't lead me down the same road so many like us take. I have SUCCESSFULLY overcome this, although I've struggled all my life, I now earn over $100K a year and have done much work during my life regarding this issue, locally. I reconciled with my 75 yr old father 3 years ago. I had to make a decision to stop waiting for him to admit what he did, he simply was not going to do that. I survived cancer and when one faces death there seems to be a lot of baggage that comes to the surface that we can choose to take with us, or let go of it. I chose to let go of the anger because it was weighing me down. &nbsp

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There seem to always be issues that crop up in my life, still, that I either don't know how to deal with or run from, but I think that's to be expected. Once I realize that I need to face that particular issue and deal with it head on, I usually come out the victor. I'm now 53 and although my weight is and has always been the last thing that keeps me a victim, I struggle daily to over come that. It occured to me recently that there have been very few times in my life that I have not been scared. I don't even know how to check the message board here, but I hope in some small way I've helped one person to realize that it's ultimately up to us. What we choose to do with the cards we're dealt with at birth is OUR CHOICE once we become adults! Congratulations to all you survivors out there! &nbsp

an incredible accomplishment

Got pregnant at 15 with my father's baby, was given an abortion by my mother. Was abused from infancy until I finally left and then was raped twice. Needless to say, my siblings and I were a mess. My siblings haven't recovered so well. They chose a life of crime and drugs, last time I saw them was at my Mother's funeral in 1976. I was pulled out of high school at 16 to work in a factory. I chose to look for a path that wouldn't lead me down the same road so many like us take. I have SUCCESSFULLY overcome this, although I've struggled all my life, I now earn over $100K a year and have done much work during my life regarding this issue, locally. I reconciled with my 75 yr old father 3 years ago. I had to make a decision to stop waiting for him to admit what he did, he simply was not going to do that. I survived cancer and when one faces death there seems to be a lot of baggage that comes to the surface that we can choose to take with us, or let go of it. I chose to let go of the anger because it was weighing me down. &nbsp

&nbsp

There seem to always be issues that crop up in my life, still, that I either don't know how to deal with or run from, but I think that's to be expected. Once I realize that I need to face that particular issue and deal with it head on, I usually come out the victor. I'm now 53 and although my weight is and has always been the last thing that keeps me a victim, I struggle daily to over come that. It occured to me recently that there have been very few times in my life that I have not been scared. I don't even know how to check the message board here, but I hope in some small way I've helped one person to realize that it's ultimately up to us. What we choose to do with the cards we're dealt with at birth is OUR CHOICE once we become adults! Congratulations to all you survivors out there! &nbsp

You are an inspiration! I on the other hand have not let go of my anger as yet...as a matter of fact it is just beginning to rear it's ugly head in my life...i repressed it for many many years and now i am not capable of that any more...i am not strong enough to ignore it anymore...i just started therapy and am hoping to effectively deal with my anger so that i may go on and use my life to help others in some way even if it is just in a small way...i have no idea how...but it can't be all for nothing...child sexual abuse had affected my life to the extent that it virtually defines me...and i dont' think that is neccessarily something i should try to change...a lot of people use their life's pain to make a difference some how for others...but i know i have a long journey in front of me before i can do that because i have not come to place where i can be consistantly objective ... i am just starting to address issues that should have been addressed a long long time ago...not just my abuse but the abuse of my child by my brother for a 7 year span that ended in 1986...but i was silenced by my family and the "conspiracy of silence" around this issue...which is a complex situation as my son and i are in very different places on this issue and it's hard for me to separate my feelings about what happened from my need to not hurt my son by bringing up stuff he is not ready to address...a very intricately woven mess

childhood sexual abuse

I was a victim of sexual abuse. Not only as a child but as an adult. As a child I felt powerless and as an adult I felt the same way. I married a man that did to me all the things that my mom did to me. I was not only sexually abused, but verbally, emotionally and physically abused as well. As a result I became and still am very angry. For many years I took that anger out on other people mostly children that were as helpless as I was. Even though it's been several years since I did anything to anyone the backlash of what happened to me as well as what I did to others has been overwhelming. It has been mostly coming up in the forms of dreams. I am petrified to go to sleep at night for fear of having to relive it all in my dreams. I am not only angry, but anxious and depressed as well and the lack of sleep doesn't make things any easier. I am in counseling and have been for 6 years and I am still afraid to face the issues head on. I don't want to relive them, but I am in my dreams. I need to get it out so all of this will subside. What a mess. Sometimes I feel like that 7 year old child stuck in an adult body. That is a freaky feeling.

God Bless You

I was a victim of sexual abuse. Not only as a child but as an adult. As a child I felt powerless and as an adult I felt the same way. I married a man that did to me all the things that my mom did to me. I was not only sexually abused, but verbally, emotionally and physically abused as well. As a result I became and still am very angry. For many years I took that anger out on other people mostly children that were as helpless as I was. Even though it's been several years since I did anything to anyone the backlash of what happened to me as well as what I did to others has been overwhelming. It has been mostly coming up in the forms of dreams. I am petrified to go to sleep at night for fear of having to relive it all in my dreams. I am not only angry, but anxious and depressed as well and the lack of sleep doesn't make things any easier. I am in counseling and have been for 6 years and I am still afraid to face the issues head on. I don't want to relive them, but I am in my dreams. I need to get it out so all of this will subside. What a mess. Sometimes I feel like that 7 year old child stuck in an adult body. That is a freaky feeling.

I pray that you will find the strength to look at your dreams without fear.

I too experience fear everyday...it is part of my daily life...I don't meet a lot of people who understand the issues around incest and sexual abuse so I do a lot of research...it validates me...

here are a couple of things I found that have comforted me...I hope it validates a comforts you even if it is in a small way for a small moment...

from a book called “Secret Survivors-Uncovering incest and it’s aftereffects in women” by E. Sue Blume…she is the creator of the The Abuse Survivors' Aftereffects Checklist which I have copied and pasted below

The Abuse Survivors' Aftereffects Checklist

Do you find many characteristics of yourself on this list? If so, you could be a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Survivors, particularly incest survivors, may experience suppressed memory in reference to their abuse. Memories of the actual trauma may be hidden by the mind as a means of protecting the individual from the pain associated with the event. As a result, many abuse survivors experience a host of trauma-related symptoms which seem to have no recognizable source.

* Fear of being alone in the dark, of sleeping alone; nightmares, night terror (especially of pursuit, threat, entrapment).

* Swallowing and gagging sensitivity; repugnance to water on one's face when bathing or swimming (suffocation feelings).

* Alienation from the body - not at home in own body; failure to heed body signals or take care of one's body; poor body image; manipulating body size to avoid sexual attention.

* Wearing a lot of clothing, even in summer; baggy clothes; failure to remove clothing even when appropriate to do so (while swimming, bathing, sleeping); extreme requirement for privacy when using bathroom.

* High risk taking ("daring the fates"); inability to take risks.
Boundary issues; control, power, territoriality issues; fear of losing control; obsessive/compulsive behaviors (attempts to control things that don't matter, just to control something).

* Pattern of being a victim (victimizing oneself after being victimized by others), especially sexually; no sense of own-power or right to set limits or say no; pattern of relationships with much older persons (onset in adolescence).

* Feeling demand to "produce and be loved"; instinctively knowing and doing what the other person needs or wants; relationships mean big tradeoffs (love was taken, not given).

* Abandonment issues.

* Blocking out some period of early years (especially 1-12), or a specific person or place.

* Feeling of carrying an awful secret; urge to tell, fear of its being revealed; certainty that no one will listen; being generally seductive; feeling "marked" (the "scarlet letter").

* Feeling crazy; feeling different; feeling oneself to be unreal and everyone else to be real, or vice versa; creating fantasy worlds, relationships, or identities (especially for women: imagining or wishing self to be male, i.e., not a victim).

* Denial: no awareness at all; repression of memories; pretending; minimizing ("it wasn't that bad"); having dreams or memories ("maybe it's my imagination"); strong, deep, "inappropriate" negative reactions to a person, place or event; "sensory flashes" (a light, a place, a physical feeling) without a sense of their meaning; remembering the surroundings but not the event.

* Sexual issues: sex feel "dirty", aversion to being touched, especially in gynecological exam; strong aversion to (or need for) particular sex acts; feeling betrayed by one's body; trouble integrating sexuality and emotionality; confusion or overlapping of affection, sex, dominance, aggression, and violence; having to pursue power in the sexual arena which is actually sexual acting out (self-abuse and manipulation, especially among women; abuse of others, especially among men); compulsively "seductive' or compulsively asexual; must be sexual aggressor or cannot be; impersonal, "promiscuous" sex with strangers concurrent with inability to have sex in intimate relationship (conflict between sex and caring); prostitute, stripper, "sex symbol", porn actress; sexual acting out to meet anger or revenge needs; "sexaholism"; avoidance; shutdown, crying after orgasm; all pursuit feels like violation; sexualizing of meaningful relationships; erotic response to abuse or anger, sexual fantasies of dominance or rape (Note: Homosexuality is not an aftereffect).

* Pattern of ambivalent or intensely conflictive relationships (intimacy is a problem; also focus shifted from incest issues).

* Aversion to making noise (including during sex, crying, laughing, or other body functions); verbal hypervigilance (careful monitoring of one's words); quite-voiced, especially when needing to be heard.

* Stealing (adults); stealing and starting fires (children).

* Multiple personality.

and having said that...

…. Here is an excerpt from Frances Moore Lappe's? book “You Have the Power – Choosing Courage in a Culture of Fear”.

Listening to our own inner cry can feel a lot like listening to a baby cry.We don’t know when it will stop; we don’t know what it means.We don’t know how to respond.And we often assume this not knowing means something is wrong.It’s hard not to.Recently, a Boston subway public-service campaign caught my eye.It read: “Safety is knowing.”If safety is knowing, doesn’t’ that suggest that not knowing is dangerous?

Of course we’re afraid of what we don’t know, and most of us don’t know a lot about who we are, our place in the world.So when we begin to think about what we might uniquely bring to the world, we often find ourselves facing discomfort, like the discomfort I felt listening to Kathryn’s [a babies] cries.

Imagine what would happen if our society treated our babies like it suggests we treat our inner calls and questions.Imagine if, when we heard babies cry, we judged ourselves to be bad parents.Imagine if we just gave up, left the baby in the house and drove away.Imagine if we drugged our babies to keep them from crying; or imagine that those who did listen to their babies were seen as abnormal.Good parents don’t have crying babies.

But babies do cry.Their cries are not value judgments.Their cries are a signal that something needs to be attended to with intention.

Only as we learn to refrain from judging our not knowing can we hear our own questions.As we shift the meaning of our discomfort from something being wrong to something becoming real, new possibilities appear.

(personal note...my fears are a signal that something needs to be attended to with intention…not repressed further with denial, minimization, rationalization or drugs.Or judged as crazy, unstable, disturbed!)

Molested As A Child

Hi I'm Shorty I'm 33 and married. I was molested by my Uncle as a little girl. It started one day when I was very sick and I could not go too school. Anyway my uncle would run around with nothing but his underware. Well one afternoon I wanted too take a nap and he said good idea and he got behind me and still with his underware started too rub himself on my back side. Then as time moved on his kiss would become longer and he became posseive of me and held me too tight and I became uncomfortable. I tryed too keep away from him but he some how finds me. He also drank a lot also and At the age when a young lady starts too dovelop and her breast are coming in and as we all know they are very tender and sore and anything makes them hurt. Well in my uncles drunken state he would grab my breast till I yelled and he thought that was funny. Yes I did try and tell my family but they did not want too hear it or belive it. My uncle was the person in my family who did no wrong. They would say he is your uncle he loves you he would never hurt you. Then I decided that no matter what I say he was right and I am wrong. I am so glad Dr. Phil is doing this show. I am hoping that more people and young girls or boys will not be ashamed or feared too tell someone they trust. I know its not easy but I hope they go tell someone or a family of a good friend. Well thats all I have too say. Take care and hang in there and be safe. Shorty,............&nbsp

I'm sorry

Hi I'm Shorty I'm 33 and married. I was molested by my Uncle as a little girl. It started one day when I was very sick and I could not go too school. Anyway my uncle would run around with nothing but his underware. Well one afternoon I wanted too take a nap and he said good idea and he got behind me and still with his underware started too rub himself on my back side. Then as time moved on his kiss would become longer and he became posseive of me and held me too tight and I became uncomfortable. I tryed too keep away from him but he some how finds me. He also drank a lot also and At the age when a young lady starts too dovelop and her breast are coming in and as we all know they are very tender and sore and anything makes them hurt. Well in my uncles drunken state he would grab my breast till I yelled and he thought that was funny. Yes I did try and tell my family but they did not want too hear it or belive it. My uncle was the person in my family who did no wrong. They would say he is your uncle he loves you he would never hurt you. Then I decided that no matter what I say he was right and I am wrong. I am so glad Dr. Phil is doing this show. I am hoping that more people and young girls or boys will not be ashamed or feared too tell someone they trust. I know its not easy but I hope they go tell someone or a family of a good friend. Well thats all I have too say. Take care and hang in there and be safe. Shorty,............&nbsp

I'm so sorry shorty, to hear the pain your uncle inflicted upon you...what he did was a crime against you and you survived ...but i know the effects are long term...i often wonder what men who commit these crimes against children think when they remember what they did to a child years ago...I write a lot of poetry and comments on child sexual abuse and I can remember writing years ago ..."don't men who mess with little girls know that little girls grow up to be big girls with memories? CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE MUST BE GIVEN A VOICE...like anything else awareness facilitates change...we must wipe out the shame that has been placed on our shoulders...it is not ours...put it down and SPEAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Give voice to the child who was silenced...we must protect future children from this hideous crime against the most innocent...within the last week a psychiatrist and a popular radio announcer in my city were charged with possession of child pornography...the shrinks house keeper found half burned child porn in a barrel that smelled of karosene and a computer tech found some when the radio announcer took his lap top in for repairs ...GOD BLESS THE HOUSE KEEPER AND THE COMPUTER TECH...SPEAK SPEAK SPEAK FOR THE CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and God Bless You Shorty...God Bless your voice!!!!!!!!

Hi Srndpty333

I'm so sorry shorty, to hear the pain your uncle inflicted upon you...what he did was a crime against you and you survived ...but i know the effects are long term...i often wonder what men who commit these crimes against children think when they remember what they did to a child years ago...I write a lot of poetry and comments on child sexual abuse and I can remember writing years ago ..."don't men who mess with little girls know that little girls grow up to be big girls with memories? CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE MUST BE GIVEN A VOICE...like anything else awareness facilitates change...we must wipe out the shame that has been placed on our shoulders...it is not ours...put it down and SPEAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Give voice to the child who was silenced...we must protect future children from this hideous crime against the most innocent...within the last week a psychiatrist and a popular radio announcer in my city were charged with possession of child pornography...the shrinks house keeper found half burned child porn in a barrel that smelled of karosene and a computer tech found some when the radio announcer took his lap top in for repairs ...GOD BLESS THE HOUSE KEEPER AND THE COMPUTER TECH...SPEAK SPEAK SPEAK FOR THE CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and God Bless You Shorty...God Bless your voice!!!!!!!!

Hi I just read ur message too me. Thank you. I agree this should have a vioce and I am sure this is why Dr.Phil is doing this show. I wish I could open a foundation here in Kentucky for kids and adults who want too carrie on this cusade for kids and others who have been tromatized by Rape or being Molested. I would not even know where too go or start? I also off topic for a min want too open a Cafe too get kids off the street and into a job where they can continue there intrest and love for food and Music and books. I am looking for investors. No I am not asking for money I'm just telling you what I would love too see happen here in my home town for theys kids and people that need help too get passed this. I want people too come and feel safe where they can talk openly and share thire fears and thire plans for themselves. But would love any input you may have on how too get a foundation and the cafe started? I know no one will ever ever get over or passed being molested or raped but with friends and family who do care they will be on thire way too healing. Then maybe someday they can work at the foundation to help others because they do understand b/c we all have been through it and know that at the time it seemed like the end of the world that we made it too the next day and the next week the next month. well I rambled on here Thank you so much for talking too me. Take care and stay safe. Hugs Shorty,......

Go Shorty

Hi I just read ur message too me. Thank you. I agree this should have a vioce and I am sure this is why Dr.Phil is doing this show. I wish I could open a foundation here in Kentucky for kids and adults who want too carrie on this cusade for kids and others who have been tromatized by Rape or being Molested. I would not even know where too go or start? I also off topic for a min want too open a Cafe too get kids off the street and into a job where they can continue there intrest and love for food and Music and books. I am looking for investors. No I am not asking for money I'm just telling you what I would love too see happen here in my home town for theys kids and people that need help too get passed this. I want people too come and feel safe where they can talk openly and share thire fears and thire plans for themselves. But would love any input you may have on how too get a foundation and the cafe started? I know no one will ever ever get over or passed being molested or raped but with friends and family who do care they will be on thire way too healing. Then maybe someday they can work at the foundation to help others because they do understand b/c we all have been through it and know that at the time it seemed like the end of the world that we made it too the next day and the next week the next month. well I rambled on here Thank you so much for talking too me. Take care and stay safe. Hugs Shorty,......

What a great idea...i really have absolutely no experience with starting a small business ...funny last year my daughter did a school project on starting a small business and she chose a cafe...she was amazed at what's involved in starting a small business...I would say first Shorty you have to have a plan...write all your ideas down on paper ...and do some research...find out what's involved in starting a small business in your community...talk to small business owners and get their input...I know that here in New Brunswick Canada we have an agency called Enterprise Saint John that helps entrepreneurs who want to start a small business...they provide everything from counselling, assisting in developing your business plan, to securing financing. Find out if your city has something similar, or if not there is no shortage of info on the internet. I would say talk to some counsellors too as you want your cafe to have the support group aspect, and find out what's involved in providing facillitators for that..maybe it could be volunteer based. I wish you much luck and success!!!

A Powerful Message!!!

I literally got goosebumps watching the show...hearing the VOICE of the survivors of incest....I could feel the miracle happening...Dr. Phil you have done an incredible thing today...you have given a gift to millions of people...victims everywhere held their heads a little higher today...God was speaking through all the people on that show today!!!!! Let the healing begin!!!! We can make a difference by giving a VOICE to incest and sexual abuse victims who have been silenced by shame that doesn't belong to them...I feel so hopeful...this is something that can be changed...we are not powerless...we are POWERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!&nbsp