Saturday, April 2, 2016

Roe Betrayed

Roe v. Wade is a landmark Supreme Court decision giving women the freedom to make choices regarding their reproductive health with privacy and safety. This was a monumental victory for women's rights and people have been trying to overturn it for forty-three years.

Surprisingly, the people who have benefited the most from Roe v. Wade aren't women. They are politicians with the moral high ground of Charlie Sheen who need some "evil" to fight in order to convince voters they're good people.

Enter Donald Trump.

Trump's stance on abortion has changed over time. In 1989, Trump was to host a pro-choice fundraiser at one of his hotels. He failed to make this event because he received death threats from pro-life activists. (Death threats from pro-life activists. Isn't it ironic? Don't ya think?) Trump's pro-choice stance started wavering from then on out. Trump became pro-life. By pro-life, he means his life. He doesn't give a shit about women or babies or anyone not named Donald J. Trump.

As we all know, Donald respects women more than anyone. We know this because he said so. At a recent town hall with Chris Hardball, Trump stated he would ban abortion. Women who seek abortions will be criminals under a Trump presidency and shall be burned at the stake like witches. Because women who believe they can think for themselves and make their own choices are obviously witches.

Oddly enough, Trump inadvertently made the best argument for abortion in this interview. During an exchange on nuclear weapons, Trump said he wouldn't rule out using nuclear weapons on Europe. Europe. I have no idea why he wants to go to war with Europe nor do I know why he wants to go all nuclear on their ass.

If any Trump supporters are reading this, allow me to explain some things you may not understand. Europe is a continent not a country. It's a huge land mass made up of many countries, most of which are our allies. It isn't located in the Middle East. It isn't located in Mexico. Europe didn't attack us on 9/11. Europe isn't trying to take away your guns or force you to get health insurance like that evil Obama. Nuclear war is very bad. Nuclear war with our allies is batshit. Your guns won't protect you against nuclear weapons. It doesn't matter how good of a shot you are.

If abortion had been legal in 1946, I'm sure Mary Anne Trump would have terminated that whole "Rosemary's Baby" situation going on in her womb. Our nation wouldn't be collectively waking up in cold sweats due to the night terrors brought on by the impending nuclear winter.

Threatening nuclear war is an awesome way to prove you're pro-life. Other awesome ways Trump has demonstrated how pro-life he is, are:

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Stating he could shoot someone in the middle of 5th Avenue and still get votes.

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Threatening to bomb the shit out of Syria and Iraq.

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Threatening to take out the families of terrorists.

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Threatening riots if he's not the Republican nominee.

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Threatening to rough up protestors and saying they should be carried out on stretchers.

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Acknowledging desperate women will resort to back alley abortions once he's made it a crime, yet refusing to reconsider his position despite the dangerous and potentially fatal health risks this will create.

Abortion has always been legal in my lifetime. Everything I know about illegal abortions I learned from the movie Dirty Dancing.

Penny gets knocked up by Robbie the asshole waiter. Robbie won't admit it's his because he's an asshole. It's the sixties, so DNA testing and child support aren't options. Penny's a dancer, so she can't work if she's pregnant. And she can't support the child if she can't work. Baby borrows $250 from Jerry Orbach to pay for Penny's abortion. Baby and Swayze go dancing while some traveling "doctor" tends to Penny. Baby and Swayze return to find Penny bleeding and near death. Baby wakes up Jerry Orbach who saves Penny and blames Swayze for knocking her up. Eventually, Jerry Orbach learns about Robbie the asshole waiter, and everyone has the time of their lives.

If Trump becomes President and bans abortion, the Pennys of today will die because Jerry Orbach is dead and can't save them.