The Twelve Statements Before Christmas

I pondered whether I should write this post in verse to the tune of The Twelve Days of Christmas, but since there would be a lot of copy/paste activity involved, I didn’t feel like readers would get their money’s worth.

Instead, I’ll do this in simple list form, focusing on twelve statements from 2017, which left me speechless. And if you knew me personally, you would know there are very few things which leave me speechless…utterly, without a thought to express in response.

So here they are, the twelve that silenced me:

“How can you say an average family has 1.7 children? We are average and have three!” (Has nothing to do with publishing, but it still stumped me.)

“I don’t care if I ever make a dime on this book, I just want it published.”

“Do you think 500,000 words is too long for a memoir?”

“You know, it’s funny, I realized when I started writing my book that I don’t even like to read books!”

“There’s no need for me to get any training about writing, I’ll just start writing and God will give me the words.”

“I self-published my book on Amazon and haven’t sold any copies in two years, so I thought I would try the traditional publishing route. Could I get a $50,000 advance? I have a lot of bills.”

“I know they tell us to have something prepared for meetings at this conference, but I would rather take my 15 minutes and just tell you about my idea. I was born in 1963…”

“Please consider this proposal as soon as possible, I need the book published in the next few weeks.”

“If you don’t like this idea, then please tell me what I should write about to be a successful author.”

“I have had five previous agents and they all failed to get me published, so I thought I would try you.”

“Do I need to pay taxes on any money I earn from writing?”

“Do they have the new Nacho-flavor Cheez-its in any stores near Chicago?” (Asked by Steve Laube…who doesn’t like anything Nacho-flavored.)

I’ve gotten disbelieving looks from some, hopeful looks from parents of smaller kids, and comments that I must be joking. I’m not. My teenagers are fabulous (and, of course, typical teens with some moodiness and attitude–perfect, they are not!).

Hey, Mr. Agent, I’ll take one of those $50,000 advances, please. I’ll even write a 500,000 word memoir (or whatever will be successful) to get it! Really, I just want to be published (and not pay taxes). God has given me the words. It will start in 1963 (when I was born) and be about my average family with the 1.7 kids that ONLY eat nacho-flavoured Cheez-its. Even people that don’t read books will love it! Yep. It has best seller written all over it.

Loved the request for 50,000 dollar advance. Wouldn’t we all love that?!
(Now that I’m published, people ask me if I’m rich yet.)
Here’s my favorite. I get this all the time: “I should write a book, too.I was an English major, so writing a book would be easy for me.”