Case Number 10257

MANSION OF THE LIVING DEAD

The Charge

"Robert Foster (Macumba Sexual) co stars in this jaw-dropping
saga of sex and sadism that Franco scholars have called an insane homage to the
Blind Dead series." -- From the back of the DVD cover

Opening Statement

Did I read that right? "Franco scholars?" I'd love to know more
about this. Is there a stately enclave of ivy-clad buildings (in Spain, perhaps)
where earnest freshmen discuss the nuances of cheap special effects and
simulated lesbian trysts? Do advanced Franco scholars go on to write theses on
exploiting popular titles to make a quick buck, and then matriculate to
managerial jobs in sleazy porn theatres?

Facts of the Case

Four exceedingly trashy women (among them Candy, played by Candy Coster,
a.k.a. Lina Romay) go on vacation to a deserted beachfront hotel. They walk,
walk, walk, walk, walk down sidewalks, paths, and hallways until they arrive at
the front desk. The creepy desk manager gives them their keys. They walk, walk,
walk, walk down hallways, patios, and stairs to their two separate rooms, where
they pair off to engage in lesbian love. One of them takes a walk. She walks,
walks, walks, walks, walks through dingy shrubs, forbidding trees, old ruins,
and sand until she comes to a ruined monastery. She walks, walks, walks through
the overgrown courtyard, through a door, and down a hallway. She is caught by
freaky dudes in robes!

Meanwhile, her friends engage in lesbian love. Then one of them walks,
walks, walks, walks, walks through the empty hotel. She comes upon a woman
chained to her bed. They talk, talk, talk, talk, talk about stuff while another
gal walks, walks, walks, walks, walks to find her lost friend. Will Trashy Girl
#2 reach Trashy Girl #1 in time? Will Trashy Girl #3 engage in lesbian love with
Chained Girl?

The Evidence

Yeah, so I've decided that Jesus Franco isn't for me. It took a surprisingly
long time to reach that decision. Eugenie provided false hope; though
plodding and inarticulate in places, had true spark in its core. 99 Women
was a mixed bag, with successful scenes and indecipherable scenes thrown
together. Then came the horror of Lust For Frankenstein / Tender Flesh,
which prompted this: "Let's say you fed your VCR a steady diet of
scummy porn and Headbanger's Ball reruns, then gave it a tab of bad acid
and sent it to a Genitorturers concert. If it stumbled back to the hotel room
and vomited a regurgitated tangle of tape onto a pair of blank DVDs, and you
digitally fused the scattered contents of its electromagnetic spew, it would
resemble Lust for Frankenstein/Tender Flesh."

Like that abomination, Mansion of the Living Dead is a Jesus Franco
film starring Lina Romay and is set in a deserted hotel. Given the similarities,
my fear for Mansion of the Living Dead was nearly incalculable.
Thankfully, Mansion of the Living Dead is much, much better than either
Lust for Frankenstein or Tender Flesh. Of course, War and
Peace is better than reading income tax regulations, too.

If you read the summary in the Facts of the Case, you'll glean that
an hour of Mansion of the Living Dead's 97 minutes is devoted to shots of
our intrepid heroines walking or talking. Thirty minutes or so are devoted to
crude simulations of fumbling sex, which leaves about seven minutes of
exposition. To cap it off, the "deluxe hotel" is clearly a seaside
resort in the dead of winter. You can practically see the blue, quivering lips
of the actresses as they sunbathe naked on the frigid Spanish coast.

As for the central figures in the film, the shadowy Knights Templar, the
less said the better. Their makeup is poorly done; their purpose unexplained.
Are they men in costume? Ghosts? A local civic group?

Part of the confusion stems from a transfer that is so murky and lacking in
shadow detail that I literally could not tell what was happening in some scenes.
I assume it was walking or lesbian love, but knowing for sure would have been
nice. Black on black is a bad choice for a color scheme. The thin, clearly
dubbed soundtrack is laughable. It's obvious that the stout wind made recording
dialogue impossible, and Franco opted to dub the whole film in post
production.

In the included featurette, Franco has the gall to condemn Romero for having
no plot and no soul in his movies. You know George Romero, right? His Night
of the Living Dead is the most successful low-budget horror movie of all
time, and it spawned an entire movement in horror that is going strong today. So
Jess Franco rips off Romero's "___ of the Living Dead," makes a flick
with no discernable plot, then kicks off his interview by trashing Romero? I
already suspected that Franco lacked class; now he has proven it. If Franco had
translated even a third of the plot he seems to have in his mind onto the
screen, maybe he'd have a valid point. For instance, I didn't get that the
Chained Woman was supposedly being tortured against her will because she was
"chained" by one of those dog leashes with a thumb release catch. All
she had to do was reach up and pop the thumb release, and she too could be
sunbathing on the frigid rocks of the abandoned Spanish coast. Am I overthinking
things?

Oh, no...I haven't become a Franco Scholar, have I?

The Rebuttal Witnesses

There is lots of female flesh on display. True, the DVD transfer's poor color
rendition gives this flesh a greenish, undead hue, but there are naked women
nonetheless. Jess even pulls my favorite shtick. One of the women is taller than
the rest, lithe and brunette. She is clad in an aristocratic white bikini and
takes her clothes off last. It is nice to have that one classy lady among the
lusty pack of commoners.

The one interesting aspect to Jesus Franco's interview is that he explains
the multiple moniker problem that plagues his career. He has more pseudonyms
than a KGB agent, and tells us why.

Closing Statement

When he is able to articulate the ideas he has, and show them on the screen
-- without using 20-minute voiceovers or stilted expository dialogue -- Franco
produces some interesting Eurocult movies. Sadly, I'm discovering that such gems
are the exception rather than the rule.

The Verdict

The court will drop all charges if Franco agrees never to appear in this
courtroom again.