I was abused. Can I be a good dad?

Mariella SavidgeOf The Morning Call

Q: I was physically abused -- kicked, beaten, slapped -- you name it, they did it to me -- from the time I was about 5 until I was nearly as tall as my parents. I have read that I will probably abuse my own children. It's enough to make me not want to become a dad, although I think I do want to have kids someday. I am 25. Is it too late? I have little contact with my parents now. They moved to Florida, so if I have kids, I don't think they can hurt them. It's me I'm worried about.

A: First of all, don't assume that you will be a child abuser solely because of the way your parents treated you.

Family Project panel members give you a lot of credit for your self-awareness and for recognizing the way you were treated was wrong.

You don't always become an abuser if you're abused, says Robert Csandl, co-founder of Treatment Trends in Allentown. It's all in how you adapt.

You do have legitimate concerns, however, says panel member Ann Friedenheim, since this learned behavior often is passed from one generation to the next. But she agrees that not everyone who is hurt or traumatized abuses their child.

"Some people are very resilient. Maybe you were not as traumatized as someone else might have been. So don't necessarily think that if you were hurt, you'll abuse your own child," she says.

Violence occurs on a continuum, Csandl says. Acts that occur at the lower end do not match the severity of the ones at the higher end.

It's bad enough you were slapped, but the effects of you being beaten and kicked mean the domination and degradation that happened to you occurred at a much higher level. The toll was much more severe, he says, and you had to develop strong coping mechanisms to survive.

"As a result of such a fear-based environment, it's incredible that you have such a willingness to be concerned. It's clear that you have had less damage than someone else who really needed to wall themselves in," he says.

Many times a significant level of emotional repression occurs, he says, "But you are still alive inside. A lot of times, there's a deadening."

The payoffs of such a hostile childhood are not pretty, he says, and often result in the victim joining a gang, for example, to get the status that will protect him or her.

People who have been treated this way often feel they are of little value, Friedenheim adds; they have a devalued sense of self.

Such victims might not abuse their own children, but their aggression could come out in other ways, such as the extreme need for control, spousal abuse or drug and alcohol dependency, she says.

It's difficult to predict what will trigger your own memories of trauma or how you would develop an abusive relationship towards your own children, if at all, they say. It could occur over time and sometimes there could be a specific trigger, a repeat of an event related to times when you were abused, such as a spilled glass of milk.

In any case, it would beneficial to discuss all of these questions and issues with a therapist, they say.

Another pitfall, says panel member Denise Continenza, is that a parent who was a victim of abuse as a child could swing the other way and become overly permissive.

But thinking you can avoid abusing your child by being overly nice is not the answer, either, Csandl says, "Kids need limits."

We all have that parenting "tape" playing in our heads, says panel member Marcie Lightwood.

"It's cut from whole cloth, from the parenting we all got. But you can make other choices," she says.

All the panel members agree you could benefit from counseling and that you can learn the proper ways to bring up a child and be successful at it without repeating your parents mistakes.

According to panel member Joanne Nigito, it's all about getting the information you need from a professional, and making conscious choices to be a good parent.

Parenting tips after a childhood of abuse

Seek parenting education.

Find a therapist and take a few sessions to explore the possibilities of unresolved issues.

Understand that in this case, history does not have to repeat itself. You have choices.

Choose your spouse wisely, someone for whom it is equally important to learn how to parent before you have children.

Books: "Positive Discipline A-Z," by Jane Nelson (Prima Publishing, $16.95.); "Positive Time-Out: And Over 50 Ways to Avoid Power Struggles in the Home and the Classroom," by Jane Nelson, (Three Rivers Press, $12.95); "Positive Discipline for Working Parents: Raising Responsible, Respectful, and Resourceful Children When You Work Outside the Home," by Jane Nelson, (Three Rivers Press, $16.95.)

The Family Project is a collaboration between The Morning Call and parenting professionals brought together by Valley Youth Houses's Project Child, the Lehigh Valley's child-abuse prevention coalition.