Hello everyone. I am new to this site and I want to thank you all for being here to help and for reading this thread. I have a situation and Iím hoping I have come to the right place to get some advice.

I spent 8 years in a relationship with an alcoholic and over that time I developed co-dependent tendencies. I have thought long and hard about why this happened and I have identified reasons why my self-esteem deteriorated and why I needed him to need me, in order for my self-esteem to be kept intact. I finally left this relationship about 8 months ago. I felt I had moved on and made huge progress in all areas of my life (one big step being the realisation that my behaviour stank of co-dependency). However, I have recently met another man. My interest was sparked by his kind, funny nature and his groundedness and intelligence. We could talk like I could never talk to anyone before. He listened, and understood me better from the outset than most do after theyíve spent years as my friend. We had so many things in common. We went out a few times and had a great time together. We talked about all the fun things we could do together.

For some trivial reason I then decided that I was not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with this man and I told him this. I really enjoyed talking to him though, and I really wanted us to remain friends. At first he was disappointed but he accepted it and agreed that it would be nice to stay friends. We agreed that even though we were not going to start a relationship we could still do all the fun things we talked about doing together, but just as friends. He then told me that since I had been so honest, he wanted to be honest with me. He told me that he is in recovery from alcohol and drug addiction and has been clean and sober for quite some time. It was ok to me that I was only hearing this now as I had only known him a few weeks at this point and he was under no obligation to tell me his personal business. He also said that on hearing what I had been through, he was unsure if he could have pursued a relationship with me in any case, as he would not like to cause me any further pain.

However, since then (2 weeks ago) I have grown closer to him. I want to talk to him every single day. We have talked about my previous relationship and he suggested (in a very delicate and well-meaning way) that I may have been displaying co-dependency traits while in that relationship and may still be suffering from the effects it has had on me.

Iím scared now that I am growing closer to him and that this might be due to my co-dependent tendencies. I believe that if I suggested it, a romantic relationship would still be on offer. I donít know if itís wise to spend time with him. I am tying myself up in knots about this and I would really appreciate any help. Obviously, I could walk away now, but I feel I would be losing a good friend. Or am I setting myself up for a fall by growing closer to and risking falling for yet another addict?

Hello everyone. I am new to this site and I want to thank you all for being here to help and for reading this thread. I have a situation and Iím hoping I have come to the right place to get some advice.

I spent 8 years in a relationship with an alcoholic and over that time I developed co-dependent tendencies. I have thought long and hard about why this happened and I have identified reasons why my self-esteem deteriorated and why I needed him to need me, in order for my self-esteem to be kept intact. I finally left this relationship about 8 months ago. I felt I had moved on and made huge progress in all areas of my life (one big step being the realisation that my behaviour stank of co-dependency). However, I have recently met another man. My interest was sparked by his kind, funny nature and his groundedness and intelligence. We could talk like I could never talk to anyone before. He listened, and understood me better from the outset than most do after theyíve spent years as my friend. We had so many things in common. We went out a few times and had a great time together. We talked about all the fun things we could do together.

For some trivial reason I then decided that I was not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with this man and I told him this. I really enjoyed talking to him though, and I really wanted us to remain friends. At first he was disappointed but he accepted it and agreed that it would be nice to stay friends. We agreed that even though we were not going to start a relationship we could still do all the fun things we talked about doing together, but just as friends. He then told me that since I had been so honest, he wanted to be honest with me. He told me that he is in recovery from alcohol and drug addiction and has been clean and sober for quite some time. It was ok to me that I was only hearing this now as I had only known him a few weeks at this point and he was under no obligation to tell me his personal business. He also said that on hearing what I had been through, he was unsure if he could have pursued a relationship with me in any case, as he would not like to cause me any further pain.

However, since then (2 weeks ago) I have grown closer to him. I want to talk to him every single day. We have talked about my previous relationship and he suggested (in a very delicate and well-meaning way) that I may have been displaying co-dependency traits while in that relationship and may still be suffering from the effects it has had on me.

Iím scared now that I am growing closer to him and that this might be due to my co-dependent tendencies. I believe that if I suggested it, a romantic relationship would still be on offer. I donít know if itís wise to spend time with him. I am tying myself up in knots about this and I would really appreciate any help. Obviously, I could walk away now, but I feel I would be losing a good friend. Or am I setting myself up for a fall by growing closer to and risking falling for yet another addict?

Hi Liberty,

I see you didnt get any feedback to your questions here so I will give you my best shot!

You need to ask your new friend if he is attending AA classes for alcohol & drug abuse & for how long he has been clean.

By the way you describe him, he sounds like a good guy who had some problems & got over them.

If you feel you want to see him every day that means you like him more than you admit.

Trust yourself more because you know the signs of co-dependency.If you are aware of them, you will be able to stop them.

If I were in your shoes, I would continue seeing this guy & take it from there.
I wish you all the best of luck & hope you both will be happy with eachother.

I am doing just that. Still meeting up and enjoying each other's company. We have had a few conversations since my last post, and he expects nothing from me in terms of committing to a relationship. He did suggest though, that if I spoke to someone about the things I am carrying around from my previous relationship, I might then view someone in recovery differently, as in, it wouldn't scare me so much to start a relationship with them.

Honestly, do you think it is asking for trouble to get involved with someone in recovery?

I am doing just that. Still meeting up and enjoying each other's company. We have had a few conversations since my last post, and he expects nothing from me in terms of committing to a relationship. He did suggest though, that if I spoke to someone about the things I am carrying around from my previous relationship, I might then view someone in recovery differently, as in, it wouldn't scare me so much to start a relationship with them.

Honestly, do you think it is asking for trouble to get involved with someone in recovery?

Thank you so much!

Hi Liberty,

No I dont think it is asking for trouble for you to get involved with someone in recovery. I say give the guy a chance & yourself aswell!

He is so right in that you should speak to someone about your previous problems in your last relationship. To be able to learn to let go of the bad memories you encountered. Sometimes we all need professional guidance to be able to get rid of our demons. You could also discuss your feelings about this new man in your life with the professional you see.

However, I must admit that there is always the chance that he could return to alcohol & drugs. I hope not. I am trying hard not to judge this man!

You did not answer if he is still attending or has ever attended any kind of recovery classes??

All you can do is take it slowly & trust your own judgement. Like, take one day at a time.

Let me know what you decide.
Haydena.

PS. Does he work?
I have just re-read you post # 1 here where you ask, ''or am I setting myself up for a fall guy by growing closer to & risking falling for yet another addict.''
Liberty he is not an addict any longer & has been clean for sometime.
Can you please tell me how long he has been clean for?

He is indeed attending regular AA meetings, he is working his way through the 12 steps at the minute, and he has regular contact with his sponser. He has now been sober for about 14 months as far as I remember. He had several years of sobriety under his belt and then has a slip which lasted over a year.

He seems very level-headed and is working hard on his education and developing other interests.

I think it's a major leap of faith that I'm scared of taking, and perhaps if spoke to someone that fear would go. If this situation resulted only in my leaving the past behind, surely that could only be a good thing. But the fear has to be gone before I commit to anything more than friendship. This may be a slow process!

He is indeed attending regular AA meetings, he is working his way through the 12 steps at the minute, and he has regular contact with his sponser. He has now been sober for about 14 months as far as I remember. He had several years of sobriety under his belt and then has a slip which lasted over a year.

He seems very level-headed and is working hard on his education and developing other interests.

I think it's a major leap of faith that I'm scared of taking, and perhaps if spoke to someone that fear would go. If this situation resulted only in my leaving the past behind, surely that could only be a good thing. But the fear has to be gone before I commit to anything more than friendship. This may be a slow process!

Thank you for your interest and response. I appreciate your input!

PS. He does work!

Hi Liberty,

Thank you for answering my questions.

I get the feeling from the above (your) post that you are now feeling less confused. Am I correct?

The reason for that is because you are able to ''talk" to me here about your fears & feelings & that is why I suggest you find a professional who can be of more help to you. I really think you should ''go for it.'' A professional who deals in relationships is someone you should look for.

I dont mean to nag or push you into doing this. Its my gut feeling that talking this through with a professional will finally give you the help you need.

I am pleased to read that your friend is attending AA classes & has a sponsor.
As long as he keeps attending & has the willpower to stay clean I think things will be ok for him ( & you) He sounds like he honestly wants to be a regular guy which is great.

I agree with you totally about having just a friendship with him, for now.
Liberty, you know what you want & need,which is exactly like knowing whats right & wrong. Thats very good!!

Take care & keep in contact.
Hugs,
Haydena.

The following user gives a hug of support to Haydena:Liberty2012 (02-05-2012)

The Following User Says Thank You to Haydena For This Useful Post:Liberty2012 (02-05-2012)

We had an interesting chat on Friday night. He said that he felt he was developing strong feelings for me and he wanted to know where I stood. He said bravely, although reluctantly, that if I still wasn't in any way interested in developing a relationship with him that it would probably be in both of our best interests to maybe stop seeing each other. I couldn't help telling him that I didn't want that to happen, as I too have been developing strong feelings towards him. We talked openly for hours.

I told him that the last thing I'd want to do would be to commit to starting a relationship with him, only to run for the hills in a months time when my fears kick in, as this would be too painful for us both. I asked if he could give me some time to figure my stuff out before making any commitment. He said he is happy that he isn't alone in the 'developing feelings' department, and he thinks the world of me so he will give me all the time I need. He also said he would be there to support me as I sorted my head out!

I'm now slowly letting myself fall into a relationship, but I wont forget to speak to someone professionally so that I can live a happy life, free of these fears. I just hope now that in the chaos of my thoughts i have not walked myself into more pain for the future (There's the evidence of those fears right there). Haydena you have been such a help to me...I am very grateful.

Liberty x

The following user gives a hug of support to Liberty2012:Haydena (02-05-2012)

The Following User Says Thank You to Liberty2012 For This Useful Post:Haydena (02-05-2012)

We had an interesting chat on Friday night. He said that he felt he was developing strong feelings for me and he wanted to know where I stood. He said bravely, although reluctantly, that if I still wasn't in any way interested in developing a relationship with him that it would probably be in both of our best interests to maybe stop seeing each other. I couldn't help telling him that I didn't want that to happen, as I too have been developing strong feelings towards him. We talked openly for hours.

I told him that the last thing I'd want to do would be to commit to starting a relationship with him, only to run for the hills in a months time when my fears kick in, as this would be too painful for us both. I asked if he could give me some time to figure my stuff out before making any commitment. He said he is happy that he isn't alone in the 'developing feelings' department, and he thinks the world of me so he will give me all the time I need. He also said he would be there to support me as I sorted my head out!

I'm now slowly letting myself fall into a relationship, but I wont forget to speak to someone professionally so that I can live a happy life, free of these fears. I just hope now that in the chaos of my thoughts i have not walked myself into more pain for the future (There's the evidence of those fears right there). Haydena you have been such a help to me...I am very grateful.

Bravo to you for having the courage to be honest with him in telling him you have started to have feelings for him. That took guts & lady, you do have guts & loads of intelligence. You only need to build up your self esteem & trust yourself & your feelings. ( I also like the fact that he is not pushing you to commit.)

I firmly believe that if a person ''falls'' & picks himself up, he grows strength-wise. This is the case with you & your friend.

I also believe that you are being very wise in taking this new friendship slowly by getting to know, trust & maybe even love eachother in the future.

(I am a very optimistic person! & the vibes I feel here from your story tell me you & your friend are going to be just fine)

In order for you to move forward with your life you need to fix your past & I
trust that you will.

Good luck to you Liberty. Do let me know how you are doing.
Hugs to you,
Haydena.

I would like very much to know how you are doing these days??
I hope all is well with you.

Haydena.

Hi Haydena,

Thatís an interesting coincidence... I actually wrote a long reply to you on Saturday morning to let you know how things are progressing, but I was online using my phone and I lost the message and didnít have time right then to rewrite it!

Things are going swimmingly, thank God. My lovely new boyfriend and I are growing closer by the day. He is the most considerate, understanding and sensitive man I have ever met. He has learned so much from his past and is so appreciative of the positive things he now has in his life, one of which being me (or so he tells me...often). I have met all his family and we get on great...they are so happy for him. I feel like a very lucky girl at the moment. We have a lot of common hopes and dreams for the future, so it is a very exciting time.

I havenít forgotten to go and speak to someone professionally though. I still have a few fears I need to iron out. I went for my first visit last week and I felt it was a very positive experience. Iím scheduled in for another visit this week. Iím looking forward to it. My boyfriend brought me there in his car and waited for me. When I came out he had a large hot chocolate and a gorgeous bunch of flowers in the car, with a little card saying that he is proud of me for taking that step. Isnít he great!

I really want to thank you for your input Haydena, because you were a huge help to me when I felt I had no-one to talk to. I am so grateful that you took the time to give me your thoughts.

Thatís an interesting coincidence... I actually wrote a long reply to you on Saturday morning to let you know how things are progressing, but I was online using my phone and I lost the message and didnít have time right then to rewrite it!

Things are going swimmingly, thank God. My lovely new boyfriend and I are growing closer by the day. He is the most considerate, understanding and sensitive man I have ever met. He has learned so much from his past and is so appreciative of the positive things he now has in his life, one of which being me (or so he tells me...often). I have met all his family and we get on great...they are so happy for him. I feel like a very lucky girl at the moment. We have a lot of common hopes and dreams for the future, so it is a very exciting time.

I havenít forgotten to go and speak to someone professionally though. I still have a few fears I need to iron out. I went for my first visit last week and I felt it was a very positive experience. Iím scheduled in for another visit this week. Iím looking forward to it. My boyfriend brought me there in his car and waited for me. When I came out he had a large hot chocolate and a gorgeous bunch of flowers in the car, with a little card saying that he is proud of me for taking that step. Isnít he great!

I really want to thank you for your input Haydena, because you were a huge help to me when I felt I had no-one to talk to. I am so grateful that you took the time to give me your thoughts.

Thank you so much!!

Love and Hugs,

Liberty

Hi Liberty,

I am so pleased for you, you just cant imagine how very happy I am for you.
You have achieved so much in such a short time. Bravo to you & bravo to your lovely boyfriend. Wow this is all wonderful good positive news that is preparing your road for your future together.

Brillaint that you are getting professional advice. You can be very proud of yourself. How nice of him to greet you with a hot chocolate & flowers. (I love it)

As time goes by, you will get over your previous fears, just give yourself time.

I am pleased to have been of help to you & will always be here to ''listen'' to you about anything you may wish to share with me.

Hi Haydena, nice to hear from you. I apologise for the long delay in getting back to you.

It's been a long hard month. One in which I've been through a lot of pain, but have learned many valuable lessons.

My boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) and I planned a trip away together, which happened about a month ago. In the weeks coming up to that, things were becoming a little strained as he was struggling to cope with the smallest of problems and disagreements between us. Insecurities came up in him like a storm. He was jealous of a co-worker of mine and there seemed to be no reassuring him. Although that's what the relationship had become all about. He would freak out and I would reassure him. Very tiring!!

Anyway, we went away for a week together, and the plan was that after that we would both be back in work for a few days and then off away together again for another trip. In between trips (the day before we left for the second one) everything seemed normal. However, he drank!! This was a huge shock to me, and to his family, and we had a very traumatic few hours when we had to go out looking for him. When he came home, he was extremely upset and slightly intoxicated. He was very worried that he had blown it between us. I said I'd stand by him. We talked it out and realised that because he had gotten so deep into our relationship (I have to admit, I really did too, we spent every waking minute together, and the sleeping ones too!!), he had been neglecting his meetings, his contact with friends in recovery and his sponser (although sponser's wife had died and he was very upset and probably unavailable for the job at hand anyway). Hooray, we had spotted the error of our ways and he was all set to get stuck in again. We still went on the second trip though. Another 5 days with no meetings, no contact etc. as it was in a foreign country and there was no phone signal, or AA meetings to be found (he did ask around).

Anyway, the inevitable happened, and he drank again on the last day of the trip. This was not a pleasant experience for me (anger, aggression, blaming - and all while trapped in a hotel room in a foreign country). Once again, due to the mitigating circumstances, I said I'd stand by him. Nothing had really changed and the reasoning from the last time seemed to still stand up. Next day he drank again. Then a day sober with all the promises under the sun. Followed by a repeat of that. At this point I got a call from his mother to say that he was not able for a relationship, and never had been (he's too soft apparently), and some 'gentle' encouragement to **** off and leave her son alone. I asked if she thought I was somehow responsible, and she said we were both to blame! Emmm...ok??

I pulled back and I told him that I wasn't turning my back on him and would be there for him as a friend, but that I did not want to be in a relationship with him anymore, as it was too painful for me to watch what he was doing to himself. He told me all the great things he could offer me and asked me to rethink my decision. I thought about it, but still wanted out. He got angry and resentful at this point and has been so since. He blames me for everything one day, but then apologises and takes responsibility the next.

I stayed away for a few days with very limited contact (initiated by him), and then he got in touch to say he was back on track but falling badly behind with college work. He said he was fearful he would not get his Certificate without some help. He had asked around for help from others but to no avail. I'm a sucker for this as education is a real priority for me, and he knows i'd love to see him do well as it's always been a major hurdle for him. I agreed, but set boundaries. He came to my apartment to work on his assignment but all he wanted to talk about were his feelings (victim!!). He wasn't taking it seriously at all. I got frustrated. I told him afterwards that i'd still help but he needed to show a lot more committment.

He was in, then he was out, in, out, and so on. Finally, this morning, I spent about 5 hours doing the college work for him with a view to him coming over to finish it with me tonight. He had wasted so much time that if I didn't do it, it just wouldn't get done before the deadline (not my problem..I know!!). He promised he'd be over. Instead I get a drunken phone call. I ended the call. Then I got a text from him saying that he has been kicked out of his house and is now homeless.

I can't go there with him, and I refuse to enable...but this has turned into one dirty big mess! This was sooo long...but you did ask!

Hi Haydena, nice to hear from you. I apologise for the long delay in getting back to you.

It's been a long hard month. One in which I've been through a lot of pain, but have learned many valuable lessons.

My boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) and I planned a trip away together, which happened about a month ago. In the weeks coming up to that, things were becoming a little strained as he was struggling to cope with the smallest of problems and disagreements between us. Insecurities came up in him like a storm. He was jealous of a co-worker of mine and there seemed to be no reassuring him. Although that's what the relationship had become all about. He would freak out and I would reassure him. Very tiring!!

Anyway, we went away for a week together, and the plan was that after that we would both be back in work for a few days and then off away together again for another trip. In between trips (the day before we left for the second one) everything seemed normal. However, he drank!! This was a huge shock to me, and to his family, and we had a very traumatic few hours when we had to go out looking for him. When he came home, he was extremely upset and slightly intoxicated. He was very worried that he had blown it between us. I said I'd stand by him. We talked it out and realised that because he had gotten so deep into our relationship (I have to admit, I really did too, we spent every waking minute together, and the sleeping ones too!!), he had been neglecting his meetings, his contact with friends in recovery and his sponser (although sponser's wife had died and he was very upset and probably unavailable for the job at hand anyway). Hooray, we had spotted the error of our ways and he was all set to get stuck in again. We still went on the second trip though. Another 5 days with no meetings, no contact etc. as it was in a foreign country and there was no phone signal, or AA meetings to be found (he did ask around).

Anyway, the inevitable happened, and he drank again on the last day of the trip. This was not a pleasant experience for me (anger, aggression, blaming - and all while trapped in a hotel room in a foreign country). Once again, due to the mitigating circumstances, I said I'd stand by him. Nothing had really changed and the reasoning from the last time seemed to still stand up. Next day he drank again. Then a day sober with all the promises under the sun. Followed by a repeat of that. At this point I got a call from his mother to say that he was not able for a relationship, and never had been (he's too soft apparently), and some 'gentle' encouragement to **** off and leave her son alone. I asked if she thought I was somehow responsible, and she said we were both to blame! Emmm...ok??

I pulled back and I told him that I wasn't turning my back on him and would be there for him as a friend, but that I did not want to be in a relationship with him anymore, as it was too painful for me to watch what he was doing to himself. He told me all the great things he could offer me and asked me to rethink my decision. I thought about it, but still wanted out. He got angry and resentful at this point and has been so since. He blames me for everything one day, but then apologises and takes responsibility the next.

I stayed away for a few days with very limited contact (initiated by him), and then he got in touch to say he was back on track but falling badly behind with college work. He said he was fearful he would not get his Certificate without some help. He had asked around for help from others but to no avail. I'm a sucker for this as education is a real priority for me, and he knows i'd love to see him do well as it's always been a major hurdle for him. I agreed, but set boundaries. He came to my apartment to work on his assignment but all he wanted to talk about were his feelings (victim!!). He wasn't taking it seriously at all. I got frustrated. I told him afterwards that i'd still help but he needed to show a lot more committment.

He was in, then he was out, in, out, and so on. Finally, this morning, I spent about 5 hours doing the college work for him with a view to him coming over to finish it with me tonight. He had wasted so much time that if I didn't do it, it just wouldn't get done before the deadline (not my problem..I know!!). He promised he'd be over. Instead I get a drunken phone call. I ended the call. Then I got a text from him saying that he has been kicked out of his house and is now homeless.

I can't go there with him, and I refuse to enable...but this has turned into one dirty big mess! This was sooo long...but you did ask!

Much love.

Liberty!

Liberty HELLO,

I happen to be online now & see that so are you.I want you to get my answer now, so here goes. I have been wondering about how you were doing & told myself due to your silence either you were in a good state or a bad one. I am so sorry for you. You tried so very hard with him & now you have to back away. I think you know that already.

No you are not to blame, not at all & please dont allow anyone to make you feel guilty. You tried your best to help him. He didnt want to help himself.
It is unfortunate that there was no AA centre near you when you were away with him because he was in dire need of their help.

Liberty you have a golden heart & you must NOT take him in. He has a family he can go to. PLEASE dont let him into your home because if you do it will be very hard to get rid of him. Turn your mobile off.

He actually needs to go into rehab. A place where he cant go out to get drunk.

You didnt tell me how you feel about him now? As far as I can tell your feelings for him where very strong. Please dont allow him to use those feelings.

No matter how hard it is for you now, you need to cut loose asap from him to save yourself from falling deeper into a bigger uglier mess.

I have written the above with a very heavy heart & I hope you are going to take my advice & be as strong as possible & say no to him. No helping him with his studies, not allowing him into your home & not even being friends with him. The guy is down & will pull you to his level. Liberty you don want to go down again & you dont deserve to.

I am here for you whenever you need.
Big hugs to you. I know you are in pain now & I am truly sorry for you.
I am sorry for him too, for messing it up.

I saw that you were online too, so I waited up for your reply. (You too have a golden heart, so I knew you would answer) . Although I will have to go now and get some sleep before work.

Yes, my feelings were strong. However, I was on a journey of my own when he came into my life. And I, like him, abandoned that journey in favour of the emotional security he offered me, and that which I so badly needed. I have concluded that the best thing for me to do is to pick up where I left off on that journey and grow stronger in myself so that I no longer need another person to give me that emotional security. He introduced me to a good counsellor, and supported me in the early stages of utilising that valuable resource, and for that I will always be grateful to him. I do think though, that it was the idea of a loving relationship that I fell in love with, and not the man. My previous experiences taught me to be cautious, thank God, and there is no way I would have allowed my heart to become invested fully so early in a relationship, least of all a relationship with a recovering addict.

That may seem hard-hearted, but I know that I am ready to give my heart to the right person when they come along, and the caution I have been exercising will not work against me. I will be careful of that. I am very lucky. I have a huge amount of inner strength, and my faith has grown stronger through this experience as I have learned to let go of control and hand over the course of events to the will of God!

There are days when I am very sad about what happened. Sad because a good man has such a terrible affliction and he has no option but to deal with it, or it will kill him. I do have a choice though, and I am now working on finding fun activities to fill me time and bring me happiness. I love to sing...so I will join a musical group.

I'm not saying this hasn't broken my heart, it has, but I seem to be drawing strength from somewhere. I wont allow him into my home. I have to detach and let him hit his bottom. It's all part of his growth. I'm just very relieved that this happened now before I got married to him or had children. If he had stayed sober for another year, that probably would have happened judging by the pace the relationship was moving at.

Last thing...I'm a bit cynical about how well i'm dealing with this. I don't know if my experiences to date have numbed my feelings, or if I have just been going to the right places for help???

Thank you for your interest and your advice Haydena, I really appreciate it. I hope your thumb isn't causing you too much pain (I read your other posts as I waited for a response).