The Drinking Dame: Labyrinth

Let’s face it: January is a sucky month. You have to go back to work and/or school after the holidays have passed in a flash, survive blizzards, and just kind of curl up in a ball and hibernate until May while White Walkers roam around outside. And to top it off, we have to deal with that crap knowing we now live in a world without people such as Alan Rickman and David Bowie.

We’ve already honored Alan Rickman, so we would feel guilty not paying tribute to David Bowie as well. And what’s the best way to do that in the middle of January during a freakin’ blizzard?

Why, drink and watch what may be the campiest movie of all time, of course! Yes, I am talking about the cult classic known as Labyrinth.

David Bowie made Labyrinth. What would otherwise have become a flop that faded into obscurity is now immortalized because of one larger-than-life pop star and his larger-than-life p—

Why are you smiling? I was going to say his ridiculous poofy hair, get your mind out of the gutter!

People don’t watch Labyrinth for the story (even though it has a great female empowerment message). It’s all over the place. Sarah is annoying; the creatures are terrifying; plot holes are abundant. It doesn’t make sense. But then you insert David Bowie, sexily singing to a 14-year-old and playing with his balls (Magic crystal balls, you filthy scum) and we’re getting somewhere. Which is why it’s absolutely preposterous that a remake of this trainwreck of a movie is in the works without David Bowie.

So without further ado, here is our latest installment of the Drinking Dame in honor of David Bowie:

Labyrinth Drinking Game: The Rules

Take a sip:

Every time Sarah says “It’s not fair!”

When Sarah has creepy sexual tension with Jareth, despite him being God knows how many times her age

Take another sip if you have the hots for him too, God damn it!

Someone gets Hoggle’s name wrong

A clock appears on screen

Sarah does something stupid

Every time someone is not helpful at all

Terrible ’80s effects

Finish your drink:

During Dance, Magic, Dance

OR if that’s too early, when Sarah tells Jareth at the end “You have no power over me.”

But if you don’t give a shit, just finish your drink both times

And that’s all folks!

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OK, FINE. The David Bowie Has a Huge Package Edition for All You PERVERTS:

Take a sip:

When you are too distracted by David Bowie’s package to pay attention to what’s going on

Whenever you realize you’re ogling David Bowie’s crotch and you feel awful because TOO SOON

Katy Mastrocola enjoys contemplating everything, stuffing her soul with chocolate, and hunting for Pokemon. She spends her spare time coming up with crazy theories for her latest obsessions, which happen to be A Song of Ice and Fire and Steven Universe.