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chub/chaser relationships?

hey guys, do you feel that relationships between chubs and chasers are harder than other gay relationships ? As a chaser, i think it is HARD to find big men that secure enough with themselves to have a good relationship, but i want to know what you guys think. I am young and new to relationships in this "scene" (i have only had one).

Re: chub/chaser relationships?

I don't think it's the chub's self esteem that is the problem. I think it's chasers that take chubs for granted that is the problem. They think just because chubs are lower on the desirability scale means they can treat them however they want.

Trust me it's happening all the time.

A good boyfriend would support their boyfriend and help them strengthen their self esteem. Or else it's just subjugation.

Re: chub/chaser relationships?

I am neither a chub nor a chaser, however, I do not believe a relationship should be solely based on ones physical appearance. That would be very shallow. Regardless of the appearance of the body, there is a human being inside there that needs all the same things any other human being needs. If you are a chaser and choose to select only chubs, that is fine, but don't use their appearance to CONTROL them. That would be wrong. Conversely, if you are a chub and believe all you can find is a chaser, that is equally wrong and indicative of low self-esteem, to wit, a problem. It is like so many straight guys who prefer a full-figured girl. There is nothing wrong with that unless you make it wrong.

Re: chub/chaser relationships?

Originally Posted by Orlandude

I am neither a chub nor a chaser, however, I do not believe a relationship should be solely based on ones physical appearance. That would be very shallow. Regardless of the appearance of the body, there is a human being inside there that needs all the same things any other human being needs. If you are a chaser and choose to select only chubs, that is fine, but don't use their appearance to CONTROL them. That would be wrong. Conversely, if you are a chub and believe all you can find is a chaser, that is equally wrong and indicative of low self-esteem, to wit, a problem. It is like so many straight guys who prefer a full-figured girl. There is nothing wrong with that unless you make it wrong.

What do you mean by chasers using chubs' appearance to control them? also, IMO, i think chubs use their appearance to justify certain actions, such as being INSANELY jealous or controlling and that is VERY wrong too...I don't actually know if that's how chubs are but that seems to be my impression, but like i said i have limited experience with chubs.

Re: chub/chaser relationships?

i am a chub who has been in a relationship for 5 years with a chaser. we have had our ups and downs as all relationships do but i dont feel that it is any hard to have a relationship between a chub and a chaser than anyone else. the looks of the people do not make a relationship it is the feelings and the love you hold for each other that make a relationship last

Re: chub/chaser relationships?

I think my relationship with my boyfriend so far being very good. We really have mutual understanding and be positive thinking eventhough we are from different background, country, even religion. We can communicate with each other so well in a very understandable language. I think with positive attitude and be caring and loving with your partner, no matter you chaser or chub, you can have the good relationship. don't be bossy, don't demand so much, if you really love your partner, you should accept whatever he had.. and if he feels that you are less perfect than his expectation, then do something to improve. Don't just simply argue. Second thing, we need to honor the relationship. Don't ever think only one side need another one. It should be both needing each other. Chub needs a chaser, who is an extraordinary gay who loves no other than chubs. Whilst, chaser needs chub, who is different physically from any other gay.

Gay relationship is just like straight relationship. It involves feeling, caring and mutual understanding. The difference is just degree of acceptance from your surrounding and mentality. Other things just damn same.

Re: chub/chaser relationships?

I think all relationships come with their hardships, but as someone who has been in a relationship with one chubby guy and dated (and is currently dating) a chubby guy, the issue I keep running into is their insecurity and general lack of self-esteem. Seriously, a lot of you are too fucking sexy to not know it.

I'm not a chaser, meaning I'm skinny but I don't actively "chase" bigger men. I leave the door open for all types of men....as long as they're interesting to talk to. My relationships with bigger guys usually fail because they can't get passed their insecurities about their appearance. It's tough (and annoying) being with someone who feels the constant need to bring up the fact that your skinny, tries to compete with you to overcompensate for years of being told that they aren't "hot" enough. Or doesn't trust you around other men, especially skinny ones, cause they don't truly believe in their own hotness. Another issue I've run into is guys with fake confidence that see fit to remind you every 5 minutes that they're "a sexy fat boy" to hide their own insecurities. What's even worse is when they don't honestly believe that you're attracted to them beyond the level of fetishising them. You can't make someone increase their level of self-esteem, that defeats the purpose of the concept itself since it's something that has to come from within.

Not all chubs have these issues, my last bf was chubz and didn't. I just don't understand why a guy just can't be happy with the fact that someone thinks he's sexy, instead of questioning it to the demise of the relationship. I don't wanna limit myself to only dating guys that look like me, but past (and current) experiences with bigger men is making me reconsider dating one in the near future, which is fucked up but I don't wanna keep putting myself in the same situation where I know what the end result is gonna be.

A chubby friend of mine introduced me to the term S.F.M.D. (Sad Fat Man's Disease) to describe guys that wallow in self-pity because of their weight. I didn't know there was a term for it, but it's all too true and unfortunately all too common.

Re: chub/chaser relationships?

This is exactly like my situation, but from the other perspective.

That's completely understandable...feeling like you're being led on after being burned so many times. But you're pre-judging all the skinny boys that are after you, preventing yourself from finding somebody that actually wants to be with you cause he likes you. We've all been burned by guys, but you can't let past traumas keep you from finding someone that genuinely appreciates you. It's a risk dating ANYONE, but it's a risk you have to take if you're looking for a companion.

Re: chub/chaser relationships?

Originally Posted by modernaire

It's tough (and annoying) being with someone who feels the constant need to bring up the fact that your skinny, tries to compete with you to overcompensate for years of being told that they aren't "hot" enough. Or doesn't trust you around other men, especially skinny ones, cause they don't truly believe in their own hotness. Another issue I've run into is guys with fake confidence that see fit to remind you every 5 minutes that they're "a sexy fat boy" to hide their own insecurities. What's even worse is when they don't honestly believe that you're attracted to them beyond the level of fetishising them. You can't make someone increase their level of self-esteem, that defeats the purpose of the concept itself since it's something that has to come from within.

I am SOOOO glad you said this. This is exactly what I have been through...One reason it is better to stay single. I hate dealing with the insecurities that chubby men have..that's why sometimes I wish I wasnt attracted to them. Dealing with their issues make me really depressed.

Originally Posted by dexyboi86

I am comfortable with myself. So I act normally when flirting.

Then a slim/slender guy says something unkind (things which I do not need to spell out).
And it happens again. And again.

Then a chaser comes along. But I have been burnt so many times, I think he is just like all the rest. He may even say he likes bigger guys, but is he just leading me on? *begin Prom scene from Carrie*

I know, shame on me for being that way, but you can't hardly blame me.

Thus the strained dynamics.

Yeah, Dexy, I guess I can't blame you for feeling the way you do. I have been through this a lot. As a chaser, I have had several guys tell me they didn't really believe that I liked them, leading me to become more and more self-conscious about liking chubby men. I hate it that so many chasers have fucked with chubby men's heads. It seems in this community that the chasers are assumed to be bad people, while the chubs are seen as being good. What is a chaser to do? Seems like i keep running into this shit over and over again. Its fucked up how chubby men want someone to accept them, but when they find that, they treat us chasers like we are bad people. Chubby men need to understand that it isnt easy being a chaser. You get crap from the chubby guys you like (I always get questioned about liking chubby men) plus the mainstream gay community makes fun of you and doesn't understand you.

Re: chub/chaser relationships?

I don't think it's hard to find big men that are secure enough, I think it's hard to find men that are secure enough to have a good relationship, full stop.

Adding in some sort of role playing dynamic is not going to help people show their true colors, either. Just be you, date who you want to date, and not a projection.

I agree, completely. As many gay guys I hear complain about not being able to find or maintain a steady relationship, it's easy to see that there's something else going on across all sub-cultures in the "gay community" that makes it hard to achieve these things for some people.

And the "role-playing" thing has never appealed to me and why I don't like the "chaser" label. It creates a weird dynamic in the relationship where it's sort of like an agreement that you're dating the person mainly because of what their appearance is (fat or skinny) and fetishises the whole relationship. It's like extended role-playing, not a real relationship per se.

Re: chub/chaser relationships?

Originally Posted by modernaire

And the "role-playing" thing has never appealed to me and why I don't like the "chaser" label. It creates a weird dynamic in the relationship where it's sort of like an agreement that you're dating the person mainly because of what their appearance is (fat or skinny) and fetishises the whole relationship. It's like extended role-playing, not a real relationship per se.

I don't like this either and I agree that it is definitely like extended role-playing, which I am not into at all. I don't like the "chaser" label! I don't fetishize overweight men. Its not like I am gonna chase after the guy with the biggest gut..I look at personality too. I think that's why alot of big guys don't like chasers...cause they think that, with chasers, everything has to be about the sex

Re: chub/chaser relationships?

i love being a bigger built chub guy, it just seems in Sydney - the chasers arent as open .. im sure this happens all over the world.... my experiences with chasers has not been ideal.... in that i have been treated like i am a circus freak show, or im a guilty indulgence that they cant ever admit to liking-a lil bit like nose picking feels good for some but they never admit to it Or owning a copy of the body guard sound track or my heart will go on maxi single hahaha....

Re: chub/chaser relationships?

Originally Posted by modernaire

I agree, completely. As many gay guys I hear complain about not being able to find or maintain a steady relationship, it's easy to see that there's something else going on across all sub-cultures in the "gay community" that makes it hard to achieve these things for some people.

And the "role-playing" thing has never appealed to me and why I don't like the "chaser" label. It creates a weird dynamic in the relationship where it's sort of like an agreement that you're dating the person mainly because of what their appearance is (fat or skinny) and fetishises the whole relationship. It's like extended role-playing, not a real relationship per se.

Re: chub/chaser relationships?

In my experience, my husbands initial attraction to me was based on my physical appearance. (At 355 lbs, I was his fantasy man come to life!) We initially met online and chatted a couple of times before meeting in person. While it seemed like we got along fine, I knew that this can be misleading. The real test would come when we met in person. I had chatted with lots of men who seemed perfect online, but when I met them in person, there was no "spark".

My husband and I went out to a Planet Big dance and then out to dinner for our first date, and half way through dinner, I remember thinking to myself "This could be the ONE". We talked and talked for hours, and did not have sex that night. But I will say that the next weekend, we were supposed to got to a movie, and out to dinner for our second date, but we never made it out of my apartment that night

My point is, the attraction can be purely physical at first, but in order for a relationship to develop there has to be compatability on a deeper level. Your personalities need to mesh well or else it will never last. We have been together for about 5 years now, and hopefully we will grow old together.

Re: chub/chaser relationships?

Im a chubby guy, not by personal choice though. I cant see how anyone could find me atractive, this is held firm by the fact that people dont treat me as a human with lustfull feelings, just a guy who is quite nice to chat to.

From my perspective on the issue I think most chubby guys will just think that any chaser is instantly messing around, or just chatting out of pity.

But I can see the other side of it, your atracted to what your atracted to, and it must be upseting for a chaser to be with a chubby guy who is self contious and constantly putting themselves down.

Re: chub/chaser relationships?

Originally Posted by evil_danger

Im a chubby guy, not by personal choice though. I cant see how anyone could find me atractive, this is held firm by the fact that people dont treat me as a human with lustfull feelings, just a guy who is quite nice to chat to.

From my perspective on the issue I think most chubby guys will just think that any chaser is instantly messing around, or just chatting out of pity.

But I can see the other side of it, your atracted to what your atracted to, and it must be upseting for a chaser to be with a chubby guy who is self contious and constantly putting themselves down.

,evil_danger

yes it is very upsetting to be with a chubby guy who is self-conscious and constantly putting themselves down.

Also, I do get alot of guys who think I am just messing around with them when I am not...A few bad chasers have fucked it up for the good ones, like me. So that leaves most chubby men heart-broken and bitter! SUCKS..not in a good way

Re: chub/chaser relationships?

i find that when people see that i am confident and dress well for my size that i should be bought down a level..... i have been in a bar and might i say dressed well having a great time with mates and someone will come and tell me that im too big, that i shouldnt be there, that they are shocked im not diabetic, that i would look much hotter and cuter than iam now if i shed some weight...i dont get bitter about it but it always hits me out of the blue.... i guess it bewilders me because im not a person who would ever tell someone that, as i guess i was taught better manners than that...
I accept there are people who will always slag the chubs but like Madonna says "wont let a stranger give me a social disease"
i just refuse to let those peeps get to me, i have loads of friends and peeps in my life who love me regardless of my size .The one person in particular and most importantly, who thinks i look fine.... well he is .......... ME!

Re: chub/chaser relationships?

Originally Posted by hairycub29

i find that when people see that i am confident and dress well for my size that i should be bought down a level..... i have been in a bar and might i say dressed well having a great time with mates and someone will come and tell me that im too big, that i shouldnt be there, that they are shocked im not diabetic, that i would look much hotter and cuter than iam now if i shed some weight...i dont get bitter about it but it always hits me out of the blue.... i guess it bewilders me because im not a person who would ever tell someone that, as i guess i was taught better manners than that...
I accept there are people who will always slag the chubs but like Madonna says "wont let a stranger give me a social disease"
i just refuse to let those peeps get to me, i have loads of friends and peeps in my life who love me regardless of my size .The one person in particular and most importantly, who thinks i look fine.... well he is .......... ME!

I understand what you say, although no one has really been rude to me about my weight in a long while.

I would never go up to someone and tell him or her they shouldn't be out in public for any reason, everyone is different and thatís a great thing. I mean Iím only human, I have looked at obese people and thought to myself that its a shame they let themselves get to that point, but it still doesn't change the wonderful person they are inside.

But ultimately it does happen, If a chaser asked me out I would most likely laugh in their face, just cos I couldn't see what a slimmer guy would see in me.

Re: chub/chaser relationships?

Originally Posted by INtrospective1

hey guys, do you feel that relationships between chubs and chasers are harder than other gay relationships ? As a chaser, i think it is HARD to find big men that secure enough with themselves to have a good relationship, but i want to know what you guys think. I am young and new to relationships in this "scene" (i have only had one).

I feel your pain. You seem to understand that you need to find a chub who has good self esteem, but we are few and far between. And when you do find one, more than likely he will already be taken.

5 years ago I was single and in a similar situation. Trying to find a chaser who was single, sincere, financially independent, and emotionally ready for a committed long term relationship. For the longest time, it seemed like a chaser like this didn't exist. I dated alot of chasers, but everyone seemed to have a fatal flaw. Either they were "married" and just looking to fool around on their mate, or they were a "player". Some times they seemed perfect, only to turn out to be a leach looking for a sugar daddy. The worst were the ones who turned out to be otherwise perfect, but they just weren't emotionally ready to commit long term.

It's easy to lose hope, but try not to get discouraged. It may sometimes seem like you will never find "Mr Right", but I think that the secret is just live your life to the fullest without expectations, before you know it, Mr Right will find you.

Re: chub/chaser relationships?

If a chaser asked me out I would most likely laugh in their face, just cos I couldn't see what a slimmer guy would see in me.

That is extremely rude...then again, many chubs would probably do the same thing. Ha, and some chubs wonder why I am so shy....

Originally Posted by SFMusic

I feel your pain. You seem to understand that you need to find a chub who has good self esteem, but we are few and far between. And when you do find one, more than likely he will already be taken.

5 years ago I was single and in a similar situation. Trying to find a chaser who was single, sincere, financially independent, and emotionally ready for a committed long term relationship. For the longest time, it seemed like a chaser like this didn't exist. I dated alot of chasers, but everyone seemed to have a fatal flaw. Either they were "married" and just looking to fool around on their mate, or they were a "player". Some times they seemed perfect, only to turn out to be a leach looking for a sugar daddy. The worst were the ones who turned out to be otherwise perfect, but they just weren't emotionally ready to commit long term.

It's easy to lose hope, but try not to get discouraged. It may sometimes seem like you will never find "Mr Right", but I think that the secret is just live your life to the fullest without expectations, before you know it, Mr Right will find you.

Thanks, SF!

I am trying really hard to not get discouraged. You are right---most of the good chubs are taken. Sometimes, I get to the point where I am so over being a chaser because I am tired of being stereotyped for it. Its already bad enough that I like overweight men, because that is not accepted in the "mainstream" gay community, but then I also have to deal with chubs taking their bitterness out on me. I didn't ask to be a chaser, so to all you chubs out there, you need to stop thinking that the bad things you experience with chasers ( I HATE THAT FUCKING TERM!!!) won't happen with guys who are not chasers...Bad guys come from all parts of the gay community

Re: chub/chaser relationships?

Originally Posted by INtrospective1

Thanks, SF!

I am trying really hard to not get discouraged. You are right---most of the good chubs are taken. Sometimes, I get to the point where I am so over being a chaser because I am tired of being stereotyped for it. Its already bad enough that I like overweight men, because that is not accepted in the "mainstream" gay community, but then I also have to deal with chubs taking their bitterness out on me. I didn't ask to be a chaser, so to all you chubs out there, you need to stop thinking that the bad things you experience with chasers ( I HATE THAT FUCKING TERM!!!) won't happen with guys who are not chasers...Bad guys come from all parts of the gay community

You are absolutely right! Bad guys come from ALL parts of the gay community. Chubs as well as chasers.

Keep putting yourself out there, but don't date guys with the expectation that the next one may be Mr Right. Just go out and enjoy yourself, and make friends. Eventually, and when you least expect it, you will meet the right guy who will "mesh" with you physically, emotionally, mentally, etc.
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Re: chub/chaser relationships?

The problem here seems to stem from an overwhelming amount of low self esteem. So many wish they could find someone who loved them for who they are... why would anyone want to love someone who can't see who they are themselves? Sexiness and beauty stems from a deep level of confidence in oneself, not just the outer layer. I've been bigger than everyone else my entire life. From birth forward. I was just given a shitty bag of genetics in the weight department. Luckily, I was also born with an incredibly strong sense of self and a desire to be me.

Have I been picked on? Fuck yeah, I've been picked on. People are cruel and unforgiving when it comes to those who are different. And it hurts. It digs deep. No matter of someone loving you will ever be able to fill that void, though. If someone tells you that they love you, is it their fault that you can't trust them because you can't believe anyone would love you? Of course it isn't! And how completely unfair to the other person to do that to them! More importantly, how unfair it is to do it to yourself. Don't you owe it to yourself to let someone love you... completely?

No one can ever love you more than you love yourself. Your willingness and availability to love is only meassured by how willing you are to be loved. By you and by others. Yes, you'll be burned. Yes, it's difficult. Of course it is. Just remember, though: Karma is a fucking bitch. And one day, those skiny assholes who picked on you will get it. Their uppence are coming and they won't know what to do.

Looks fade, fellas. And these beauty queens won't be happy forever. Start now and find a way to be happy with who you are without the boost from a mirror. Either that... or learn how to throw a really good punch.

Re: chub/chaser relationships?

You make some excellent points. To all the chubs who complain about not being able to find a chaser to date. You need to look inside yourself for the answer. If you are secure about who you , comfortable with the way you look, and always present yourself with your best foot forward, you will meet a man who will love you just the way you are. The internet makes finding guys so easy. Yes most of them will be all wrong for you, but unless you put yourself out there, Mr Right won't know how to find you.

Originally Posted by --Cachorro--

The problem here seems to stem from an overwhelming amount of low self esteem. So many wish they could find someone who loved them for who they are... why would anyone want to love someone who can't see who they are themselves? Sexiness and beauty stems from a deep level of confidence in oneself, not just the outer layer. I've been bigger than everyone else my entire life. From birth forward. I was just given a shitty bag of genetics in the weight department. Luckily, I was also born with an incredibly strong sense of self and a desire to be me.

Have I been picked on? Fuck yeah, I've been picked on. People are cruel and unforgiving when it comes to those who are different. And it hurts. It digs deep. No matter of someone loving you will ever be able to fill that void, though. If someone tells you that they love you, is it their fault that you can't trust them because you can't believe anyone would love you? Of course it isn't! And how completely unfair to the other person to do that to them! More importantly, how unfair it is to do it to yourself. Don't you owe it to yourself to let someone love you... completely?

No one can ever love you more than you love yourself. Your willingness and availability to love is only meassured by how willing you are to be loved. By you and by others. Yes, you'll be burned. Yes, it's difficult. Of course it is. Just remember, though: Karma is a fucking bitch. And one day, those skiny assholes who picked on you will get it. Their uppence are coming and they won't know what to do.

Looks fade, fellas. And these beauty queens won't be happy forever. Start now and find a way to be happy with who you are without the boost from a mirror. Either that... or learn how to throw a really good punch.

Re: chub/chaser relationships?

Uh...what's a chaser?

I have sex with every attractive guy I see, in my mind, several times in a matter of seconds; yet I'm a 26 year old virgin. I also live vicariously through porn. Anal is fun to watch, but I don't want to actually do it. Yay.