Jennifer Lawrence: “I Feel Like I Got Gang-Banged By The F**king Planet”

Jennifer Larence is claiming her piece of the rapey Hollywood pie by equating her nude pic hacking scandal to an intercontinental gang-bang. The former A-lister was one of the many victims of the Fappening, and while she hasn’t actually been penetrated by every peen on the planet – wouldn’t want to take away that distinction from Kylie Jenner – she gets the jizz-st of what it would be like:

When the hacking thing happened, it was so unbelievably violating that you can’t even put it into words. I think that I’m still actually processing it. And, I don’t know, I feel like I got gang-banged by the f**king planet — like, there’s not one person in the world that is not capable of seeing these intimate photos of me. You can just be at a barbecue and somebody can just pull them up on their phone. That was a really impossible thing to process.

You know, when you’re at a barbeque and you want to see nude pictures of an actress who was famous three years ago. Sending naked pictures has a history of being 100% failproof for celebrities, which makes the violation of Lawrence’s privacy all the more jarring. She didn’t become an internationally recognized actress to compromise her privacy, guys. The proliferation of sexual assault claims in the wake of the Harvey Weinstein scandal has left un-rapable actresses in a difficult spot. How can you meaningfully contribute to the conversation and nab headlines on TMZ if a powerful Hollywood figure didn’t blow cream corn all over himself in front of you? This is the exact question Lawrence seems to be struggling with, and the answer is to make everything about herself:

I wasn’t interested in suing everybody; I was just interested in healing. I think, like, a year and a half ago, somebody said something to me about how I was ‘a good role model for girls,’ and I had to go into the bathroom and sob because I felt like an imposter — I felt like, ‘I can’t believe somebody still feels that way after what happened.’ It’s so many different things to process when you’ve been violated like that.

Lawrence has reaped all the rewards of celebritydom with a relatively minor set back, all things considered, and has the fringe benefit of being enough of a victim to allow her to weave in and out of most topical news. Or anything really. Your dog died? So did hers. Split ends? You don’t know the half of it. Four more years left in your career before you’re cast as someone’s great-grandmother on Riverdale? She might actually have you beat there.