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Angel of death, come take me away
Remove the sorrow and emptiness surrounding me
Release the pain, erase the tears, destroy the heartache
Let your sweet black nothingness be all I see

Oh Sweet Girl, why do you think it’s your time
You are yet so young, with life in front of you
What will those around you think
When you have decided to pass on through?

Oh Death, Those around me are soulless and cruel
Their hearts are empty, mouths spewing hatred
They hide the evil they contain with a smile and lies
Always reveling in the horror you have tasted.

Sweet Girl, put those pills away
Come over here and let me hold you for a moment
Take comfort that not all is lost, not all are as they seem
Tell me again, why it is that you are so broken

Death, there is so much emptiness within.
When I slowly remove that with some with love and joy,
There are those that wrench it away from me,
Laughing all the while, like my life is just a toy.

Sweet Girl, put the alcohol down,
Take hold of this hand of mine and rest your head
Letting me kiss your painful tears away
And please finish telling me all that has yet to be said

My Angel of Death, this one told me he was an angel
He said he loved me and I was his one.
I didn’t see the evil he possessed, he didn’t hear my NO
Now that my innocence is gone, his cruelty done.

Sweet Baby Girl, can you please put that razor down
Look me in the eyes, tell me again why
Why do you seek to end it all this way
Are you going to give up and not even try?

Kind Death, Another one told me I was his World
That we were going to be Heaven on Earth
What he showed me was hell with a fist
To all who could see, I was nothing of worth.

Sweetness, can’t you see, that there is hope.
Step out of that water and listen to this.
You still have life left in you and years to go
It might not look like it but soon there’s bliss.

Death that’s what I’m asking for now, sweet bliss
Give me what I seek, for nothing else has proven true
Love and hope have failed, people prove false to their words.
Faith is worthless, and ending this is my way to get through.

Oh Little one, What lies you have been told.
For what I see is one so strong from trials you face
A beacon of hope for those struggling as well
You have been living and surviving with so much grace.

Death, I do not see this grace and strength
Pain, darkness, hurt, betrayal, and anguish are what I know
Where do you see this survivor, this one full of hope
For here all I see is hopelessness, loss, and nothing left but woe?

Sweetest Baby Girl, You have survived and battled on
You can still be here, showing them how wrong they are
Fights and battles, you’ve made it through them all,
You haven’t lost yet, though you carry some scars.

Death, why do you care so much for one wanting to die
One ready to surrender all that they are to you
I’m seeking a way out, to finally be at peace,
And you’re turning me away, have I no true value?

Sweet Little One, sorry to deceive you, but Death I am not
You overflow with love, a soul so sweet it’s hard to find
A warrior’s spirit you have, strength abounding within you
Death does not deserve you, for he would be so unkind.

Sweet One, you have life and love to experience still
There will be heartache and pains, failures and losses along with lows,
Scars and bruises, but you will win love, hope, and faith.
You are the author of this story, now show me how it goes.

You didn’t really expect it
One never really does
The way things would fall
Clicking and solving away
Without your attention
And beyond your control
Life slow paces in circles
Then speeds head long
Crashing over and over
Just to resurrect, testing
Your tenacity, your will
You’re strong it seems
Because you persevere
Cracking time’s resolve
Until it crumbles
Into a thousand stars
Your strength a light
Mesmerizing others
Spotting the dark
With a survivor’s love
You didn’t really expect it
One never really does
That your pain would be
The puzzle piece needed
To create the very light
That would guide the way
For other survivors
To love the very same way

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Once upon a time, a Stormtrooper introduced me to an organization called The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. It took a little bit for me to look into everything, as I was one to refuse to admit I had attempted suicide. I’m still here, so it was a failure, and I do not like to admit failure. When I admitted to myself that I went through that and was ready to share, I took a look at the foundation.

I wish I would have known about them when I needed them that New Year’s Eve.

There are many others out there that are currently affected by suicide, either from struggling with the thoughts, or trying to cope with the loss of a someone they know from suicide. American Foundation for Suicide Awareness is there to help. If you look at their homepage, you have the options to look at Understanding and Preventing Suicide, Help with Coping from a Loss, Advocacy and Public Policy, Research, News, and Ways to Give. One of these ways to give is through your local chapter’s Out of the Darkness Walk. I took the plunge despite only having a short period of time to fund raise and created a team, The Tutu Convention.

The name come from the wonderful mind of Rara, and a conversation her and I had. She had shared how her niece told her that the reason she was sad was because she was not wearing her tutu. This promptly lead to me sharing a picture of the Eh Bee family all wearing tutus. This promptly lead to us discussing how there should be a blogging convention BITCon (Bloggers in Tutus Convention). It would be the happiest convention ever. Well since I cannot put this convention together at the moment, I’m doing the next best thing, I’m going to participate in this walk wearing a Tutu. Thus the team name is Tutu Convention.

Eh Bee Tutu Power

I strongly encourage all to check out their local chapters and become involved. I’ve signed to volunteer to speak and work at events, as well as become an advocate for this organization. I try to educate all that I can. Therefore, I’m education you. Please, take the time to look at their website, as well as check out my team page (or the Stormtrooper’s as well), and either join if you’re in the area, or donate and share the page. Help those that need this organization.

I have shown you in all things that by working hard in this way, you must assist those who are weak and must keep in mind the words of the Lord Jesus, when he himself said: ‘There is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving.’” – Acts 20:35

Yes, I know, this is the second time I have quoted from the bible but I was brought up reading the bible, and some sayings just stay with you. This saying is one of them. I have always put others before myself, whether its from donating, or working with non profit groups, or even charities and fundraisers. I’ve volunteered at animal shelters and hospitals, worked with children with special needs, and since I was small, every fundraiser introduced to me. It makes me feel better. I will do for others, care for others well being, even in the midst of my worst depression episodes. I’m driven by this need to do for others, despite the neglect I have for myself.

Currently I’m involved with Extra-Life as Team Captain for Steel City Kombat. Firstly, SCK is a gaming community here in Pittsburgh that plays fighting games. They mainly focus on Mortal Kombat (what gave that away?), but also play Street Fighter, Killer Instinct, and anything else really. Now that you know it’s a gaming community, I can tell you about Extra-Life for those that have not heard about it.

Extra-Life started with a little girl in Texas battling against Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. She started this battle at the age of 11, and was in and out of her Local Children’s Hospital. Ever heard of Sarcastic Gamer? At the same time she was in her battle, they were holding a radio-thons during one of these stays. Her personality stood out to Doc, the founder. Later when he found out she was in for her third stay and it will be prolonged and that she loved video games, he reached out to Sarcastic Gamer community. He asked for donations of video games to help keep her entertained during this stay. He stated that games came flooding in from all over the world. Sadly not much longer after that, she lost her battle. In honor of her, Doc started Extra-Life, a 24 hour gaming marathon to raise money for the hospital that treated Victoria. After 2 years, he realized that other gamers wanted to help support their local Children’s Miracle Network Hospitals, and it grew into the fundraiser that it is now.

Don’t just take myself telling this story though as I just summarized. Watch this video and then come right back. I’d recommend having a tissue with you.

This year, my team and I are support Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh part of UPMC. The money raised by us and the other local teams, will go to help local children that are going through issues similar to Victoria, and other ones as well. This hospital has done wonders. They are ranked #10 Nationally in Pediatric Hospitals. Want to know more, well just check them out here or here to find out more (as well as any internet search).

There are 2 parts to the fundraiser. The first is FUNDRAISING. It goes on until the end of the year. When you sign up, you get your own handy dandy fundraising page. This is mine. See, simple and easy. Photo if you want, who this is for, why you’re doing, a little story. There is a generic on set up, which is what I used, and updated it a little. On the side of the page is a goal and how you have raised so far. I set mine low to start, but have almost made it. If I do meet my goal, I won’t stop there, but will raise it and keep going. (HINT)

The second part is what Extra-Life is known for. The 24 hour gaming marathon. You can play any type of game. Video, board, pen and paper, cell phone games. ANYTHING. You can do it from home alone or with friends. I’ve been fortunate enough to have a local arcade here sponsor us. Victory Pointe is a new arcade that has every console but Atari, a huge gaming library, classic arcade machines, and an incredible board and table top game library. They are letting us hold tournaments throughout the day, whether it’s Dance Dance Revolution, Magic the Gathering, or Fighting Games. Who wouldn’t want to party there all day?

Doing this, giving kids their chance for a One-Up, or an Extra Life is amazing. Kids are our future and what better feeling than trying to help them have a great future without medical issues.

Join me, share my page, share this story, donate, just please, don’t just sit there. Make yourself feel better by helping others. Find a charity, get involved if this is not the one for you.

During times of conflict and political or religious civil unrest, the power of the human spirit’s capacity for non-violent protest and kindness still shines through.

Alberto Casillas, instantly became a national celebrity in Spain when he protected a group of youths who were protesting against the government’s austerity measures. The police were beating and attacking protestors who then ran into Casillas’s cafe for protection. When the police demanded he let them enter, he stood against them, with absolutely no weapons or way to defend himself and said, ”On my Life, you will not enter! It will be a massacre.”

Ukrainian girl giving sandwiches to protesters

This is the aftermath of a very sweet moment between a General and a protester in Brazil. Upon seeing what looked to be an impending conflict, the general made a simple request. “Do not fight, please. Not on my birthday.” How did the protesters respond?…

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I posted on Monday that I’ve been losing myself in this world of depression, I didn’t think things would get worse, but somehow they were able to. I’ve reached the point where all I want to do is sleep and not wake up, to finally have peace. While you are reading this, I’ll be getting ready to go to the viewing of my one of my grandfathers.

About an hour after publishing the piece on Monday, I received news that my mother’s father passed away a few moments before I was contacted. I knew he was not doing great. The day before I spent at his bedside talking about the good times we had when I was younger and crying and apologizing for not being around the past 3 years out my own stupidity. He had been bed ridden since a stroke a few years ago that left him paralyzed on his one side. Friday night he became violently ill and would not recover.

This amazing and remarkable guy meant the world to me, still does. He introduced me to history, painting, calligraphy, photography, sketching, classic movies and music, and my first set of tools. (Ok they were both mine and my brother’s, we had to share.) We would have marathon games of Monopoly, and watch the home movies he took of my mom and her brother, of them building the house they lived in. We’d take walks in the woods behind their house, or go swimming at the pool, pony and balloon rides at my Grandmother’s company picnic. He would be at every ballet recital taking photos and handing me flowers after.

There were family vacations that I’ll never forget. Always to the beach where we’d see the wild ponies, and dolphins. That one time we saw a pregnant mare with a stork sitting on her hindquarters making jokes that it was her due time. Sitting with him and his brother after dinner listening to stories of when the were younger and causing mischief, not that they ever stopped either (explains a bit about my brother and I and that we just didn’t inherit from our father). The love of motorcycles was born from my grandfather. The pictures of him and his brother with their Harley’s is pure love. He never lost that care free attitude and love of living.

He didn’t just introduce me to the arts, he gifted them to me. If it wasn’t for him, my writing, painting, photography, all of it, would not exist. I inherited this through him, as he did from his family. He comes from a line of artists, writers, musicians. My dad’s side of the family were not artists, and my grandmother wasn’t either. It came from grandpa. I do it all but singing. Trust me, my kitten sings better than I do, however I do write, play instruments, sculpt, paint, draw, craft, photography (though the writing is much harder at this moment).

He taught me to see the good in everything, to look at life through the viewfinder. That’s where you will see the magic. Even when he was bed ridden those last years, he always had a camera with him to take photos. An artist ’til the end. I miss him each and every moment. To that end, I’ve pulled out all of the art supplies, and the drafting table he gave me that have been to each and every new apartment, and have begun a series of painting some of my photography, so I can have all he introduced me to with me always.

Sadly, the tale doesn’t end there. As I was finally wrapping my head around his death, and trying to pull myself together, I received more news. My father’s father died. He had been sick since the winter and slipped into a state that made him weaker and weaker. Dementia took over, and he finally slipped away. That was Wednesday. Within the span of 3 days, I lost 2 of the men in my life that helped to shape who I am.

Growing up, I was always Lindsay or Linds, but to my dad’s father, I was Linnie. I would smile each time he’d say it. I was his Linnie. I’m crying just thinking about it. He’d see me and give me the biggest hug and kiss, and yell “Linnie” when he’d see me. He was also at all my ballet recitals smiling and full of hugs. He had a harder life, so he was a bit rough around the edges, but I loved each of those edges just as I loved my other grandfather as well. He was a steel worker, and before that, a US Airforce man. That’s where he met my grandmother. They both were military people when they were younger.

There were always animals living in his house. Dogs, cats, birds, they all lived there at different times. I was never without seeing a pet when I visited them. Because of that, my dad and mom always had pets as well as we were growing up. I also learned by observing that when your parents get older, you take care of them. Until she died, his mother lived with them. I got to see my great-grandmother quite a lot as she lived with my grandfather and grandmother.

My dad and grandfather are the ones that introduced me to whisky, the cure for everything when you’re sick, well just about everything. I also learned, which it’s funny to think about, but being raised in a Steel Town, when the mills were working, you knew who worked at which mill by the beer they drank. My grandfather, he was an Iron City man. The 2 other beers were Duquesne and High Life I believe, though PBR might have been in there too. I’ve always been a beer and whisky girl thanks to this.

I learned to play cards from Grandpa. I learned Spades and Hearts and a version of Aggravation Rummy. We loved playing cards. We’d watch old movies and westerns together. Family vacations meant both Grandfathers getting together and we’d have John Wayne marathons. Though I’ll be honest, I have 2 favorite Westerns, and while one is a John Wayne (McClintock!), the other is not. Magnificent 7 just wins hands down for me. I would love family vacations where I’d have both Grandfathers and my Great Uncle together because we’d have movie marathons. We’d have the westerns, and we’d have the Tom Clancy movies, and the Bourne Series, and anything else. We just loved movies.

Still waiting on arrangements for my father’s father, though in the meantime, this glass of Tully’s is for you Grandpa.

They both taught me so much, work ethics were instilled to me, as well as having an open heart. Neither of them gave up, and they gave their all. They were fighters and stubborn to the end. They both accepted so many people, and I watched my one grandfather over come prejudices and become friends with people he swore to never befriend.

Driving home the other day, I looked out at the river I drive along and it looked peaceful. So peaceful that I wanted to go in and submerge myself without plans to come up.

It was a wake up call for me. I’ve not been paying attention to myself lately and missing the signs. Urges, thoughts, feelings, those things you are suppose to take note of about yourself to make sure you are mentally healthy, I’ve ignored them and now depression has taken hold of me and pulled me back down to a place I hoped to not see again. I’m within the darkness of my mind, depressions shadows and lifelessness swallowing me whole once again.

It’s funny the things you can ignore in the need to feel “normal” to pretend this group of ugly illnesses do not exist. The forgetfulness increasing when normally remembering everything. The order of things suddenly becoming the most important thing, along with keeping a routine the exact same every day with no deviations, otherwise everything feels off. Feeling more of an outsider and unwanted. Wondering if you were no longer around if people would miss you or even notice. Always wanting to sleep and feeling utterly exhausted. Interest in anything has become obsolete, and forcing yourself to go anywhere or do anything is the only way things will happen. Anxiety choking you, fear and panic drowning you.

The world has become black, covered in shadows, with no way out. My thoughts have turned a bit morbid, darker, bleak, suicidal. Whether or awake or asleep, the world is black. When looking at my palette for the day, all I find is misery and hopelessness to paint with, having washed the joy down the sink. That little pill that makes me feel alive, has stopped producing it’s magic.

Suicidal thoughts and inclinations have started coming at an alarming rate, along with the urges to harm myself. The urges were at such a steady increase I needed to do something. I booked an appointment with my tattoo artist, and had some work done. I sport a reminder on my forearm, that I am the author of my life. I make the choice whether I live or die. I need that reminder quite often right now. I need to talk myself away from hurting myself, away from ending things.

These thoughts and feelings of being out of control of myself and my life, worthlessness, constant exhaustion, blackness, forgetfulness, failure, they need to stop.

I called the psychiatric hospital and clinic as soon as I became to come out of the fog enough to notice what has been going on. I’m in a depressive episode, and not just a small one. I need help.

I thought I was strong and able to overcome this. I’m not. I’m weak. I’m failing. I cannot do this. I’m fighting. I’m fighting against myself and I’m losing.

I’m back in therapy now. Only had the evaluation and the first session, but it’s a start. I see the doctor on the 14th about my medication(s) to start having that adjusted.

My first official session was about goals. We created long term and short term goals. My goals are set to help myself, not anyone else, but me. I am to work on and focus on me. This is me time. That’s going to take getting use to. I don’t know how to focus on me. That has always seemed selfish to me, however I’m told that if I want to get better, some things need to be about me, so these goals will help that. I want to gain interest back in art, and have my own shop set up to sell my work. Also, I want to attend a conference for blogging and writing, finally, I want to have self esteem to have better relationships, stable relationships. In order to achieve these, I am going to start with getting my art and crafts area set up. I have been told I need to write and publish an article every week. As for self esteem, well I need to have one positive mantra a week, whether it be something I thought of, or found on the interwebs.

Going to try to do this. I have no ambition right now. It’s lacking like the Sahara lacks water and vegetation. I am empty. I have a tough fight ahead of me. I hope I’m up for this. I hope I can make it. I hope I don’t give up and give in. I have demons inside of me, and they are trying to escape. How can I let them out and not let them win?