Why do I keep using the #AlwaysKeepFighting hashtag? Welcome to the #SPNFamily…

A couple of months ago Jared Padalecki, one of the stars of Supernatural, started a campaign to raise money and awareness for charities like To Write Love On Her Arms. He shared a lot about his own struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts, and his own need for strength and help. It started with a tee shirt that said “Always Keep Fighting”. The fandom really took to it.

For me personally, I came across the Always Keep Fighting campaign on a really really shit day. It was really one of those days where I just was asking “What the hell am I here for?” And those words, and his openness and sincerity, actually brought me to tears. It was just one of those moments you get too rarely when you feel like the world is telling you something. And I was like… “Man, Jared! How did you know I needed this today?”

I’m actually sort of addicted to buying geek t-shirts. It’s pretty much all I wear. But I usually go for the subtle. Not the whole- “celebrity on a t-shirt” thing. Even Jared mentioned he wasn’t sure about putting his face on the shirt, but everyone convinced him it made it more personal (I agree). And… while I wasn’t sure if I would wear it (because- face on a t-shirt?), I knew I wanted to support it and TWLOHA.

It’s kinda become one of my favorite shirts. When I’m having another shit day, wearing the shirt has reminded me of the message and kept me going. And people have noticed it and either recognized it themselves or asked about it. Which is awesome! YES. Let’s have a healthy dialogue about mental illness, suicide, addiction, depression, PTSD. YES TO ALL THIS!

Since the original campaign ended, it has grown into a much bigger thing that both stars, Jared and Jensen Ackles, AND the fans are continuing to raise money and awareness for. In the last couple of weeks, Jared has been experiencing his own personal crisis and the whole thing has just blown up in response (in a good way). It’s actually kind of reminded me how awesome people can be. The world is not full of hate and horrible things. There is a lot of love out there.

If you’re not familiar with these guys and this fandom, it might be easy to see this and think that it’s not sincere. That it’s a bunch of hot guys getting their faces on t-shirts and making more money. Publicity stunts. But you wouldn’t have to look into things very far to realize these guys really just want to do a good thing and use the fan following they have to accomplish great things.

You might also find some weird stuff. The fandom is known for some of it’s weird stuff. Not gonna lie. BUT the fandom really is also known for doing some really awesome things like this. The official hashtag used to be “SPNfamily” (I don’t know, maybe it still is…) but #AKF and #AlwaysKeepFighting are really what it’s all about. And hell yes, I will go down with this ship. Even if I still appear to be a silly fangirl. I don’t care. This thing, this show, these people, this fandom, show love that gives me strength on days I’m not sure I can find it. (Even though I will NEVER forgive you, writers, for that THING YOU DID IN EPISODE 10×21. grrr… the only time I’ve ever hated Show I’m still not over it.)

PHEW. SO on that note, I’m gonna leave another reason I love this fandom. I haven’t posted a fanvid in a LONG time guys. And this one is technically a parody, so it doesn’t count. And, true, I’m not sure you’ll really get it or love it if you don’t know the show, but… oh well. It makes me happy 🙂 ummm spoilers for season 9 and 10 though, if that is important to you?

By the way, the cast cameos at the end- they heard about this video being made and totally volunteered to do it just because they knew the fans would love it. No pay. Just love.

And you know what? Because I’m in such a giving mood… hahah… (actually, it’s probably just the late hour getting to me) but I’m gonna leave ya with one more gem. But this is one that always gives me chills and makes me cry. This song is sort of our anthem…

I feel like I’ve been a terrible friend here online, so I’m sorry. I love all of you who I have talked with here online. Those of you who have shared such personal pieces of yourself… I feel like you deserve more from me, especially when you have given me so much by reading and support me! I know you know I’m doing the best I can right now, but I still feel the need to acknowledge it. Just a week and a half ago, I got introduced to some really great stuff by CC and Alex over at https://ccchanel41.wordpress.com/ (Refractory Ramblings from the Darkside). Both things have totally gone into my coping strategies toolbox.

First, Bo Burnham and “What.” is the most genius things I’ve seen in a while. Laughter and truth all in one. https://youtu.be/ejc5zic4q2A His show is free on Youtube and Netflix. It’s totally NSFW but watch when you can because it’s brilliant and I’ve watched it like 5 times in the last 8 days, hahah. I feel bad for the people (who are too too many) I can’t share it with because of content. They are missing something awesome.

Second? Amanda Palmer. How did I not know this woman existed??? In the hours I haven’t been watching Bo Burnham, she’s been playing 24/7. I love music of all kinds. I communicate and find places where my feelings exist in music very often, but there are only a few who just bring the feels with every word. Even when I don’t know what she’s referring to, the emotion is still there and it’s just wrapped itself around my heart! I can’t even describe it. I could share any number of her songs here, but the one that’s really gotten too me the last few days is “Trout Heart Replica.”

At first, the lyrics that caught me were:

And killing things is not so hard It’s hurting that’s the hardest part And when the wizard gets to me I’m asking for a smaller heart

And then one day…

And the butcher stops and winds his watch and lays their lives down on the blockHe raises up his hatchet and the big hand strikes a compromiseWait, we’ll trade youWaitPlease just one more dayAnd then we’ll go with no complainingNo complainingNo complainingNo complaining

And holy shit. I remembered that feeling. The “butcher” holding me down with a knife, and all I could think was Wait… Just one more day…Please just one more day. And now the whole song takes even more meaning and a new feeling and I just keep listening to it.

And killing things is not so hard It’s hurting that’s the hardest part And when the wizard gets to me I’m asking for a smaller heart And if he tells me “no” I’ll hold my breath until I hit the floor Eventually I’m know I’m doomed To get what I am asking for…

I’ve never been able to put such accurate words to the way I feel. Smaller heart? YES PLEASE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

So much about this song!

So I actually have a lot of life stuff to write about… but I keep avoiding it, so I’m starting easy today. Maybe I will try again tomorrow to write about what’s been up. ‘Cause this brain needs to dump. Room is very scarce for anything else.

Hope you love Bo and Amanda as much as I do now. And as much as I love you all.

#AlwaysKeepFighting (yes, I will keep using this hashtag on posts because its something I am desperately taking to heart and I need the constant reminder myself.)

Does anyone else think that depression itself is addicting? I mean, like, when you go to therapy or whatever and you know the next move, or you know the healthy alternative coping mechanism. Like right now, I know I should go to bed. It’s important that I get on a healthy sleep cycle. But I’m probably going to go watch TV for a few more hours. Or I know I need healthier eating habits, but lots of times I put it off because… well there’s a variety of reasons, but basically because I can. Like I know I need to confront and deal with my anger issues, but I don’t want to. I don’t even want to try the easy things to start the process. Even though I’ve talked extensively with my therapist about how important that is. I just find myself making choices sometimes that I KNOW will probably help keep or create the depressive cycle I’m stuck in. Is it addiction to the cycle? Or is it control issues or fear or what? I mean, control and fear, they definitely are playing their part. I know that. But is there more to it? I don’t even drink alcohol, I’m very careful not to abuse medications, but there are just times when a simple choice could probably make a big difference and I choose the one that keeps things the same. Just some thoughts… curious how the rest of you view it…

I’ve been listening to Tori’s “Boys for Pele” a lot lately. It’s kinda always been a special one for me, though not easy to put into words why. But it’s a cd I got shortly after the rape. I wasn’t feeling a whole lot of anything then and what I was wasn’t great. Something about this music though hit me in an emotional way most music hadn’t, and in a way that not much at that time really was. I don’t understand about half the lyrics, but there is so much emotion that comes through in the music, it doesn’t even matter.

Kind of funny then, to read the wiki on this album (the whole page is rather interesting…):

“Two underlying currents run through Boys for Pele: exploring the role of women in both patriarchal religion and relationships. Amos had previously written songs in a religious and/or theological context (“Crucify” from Little Earthquakes (1992), “God” from Under the Pink), but her viewpoint takes a particularly feminist slant on this album. “The feminine part of God has been circumcised out of all religions… God (is) a patriarchal force, a very masculine energy, with the feminine having been subservient, either being the mother, the lover, the virgin, but never the equal, never to have the whole.”[15] “Muhammad My Friend”, the eighth track on the album, best represents this aspect of the album’s theme with the line, “It’s time to tell the world/We both know it was a girl back in Bethlehem…

…The album’s cover is a photo of Amos holding a large rifle, sitting in a rocking chair on the porch of an old wooden building. One of her legs is out of her pants and flung over the side of the chair. A snake coils around the chair and a large rooster hangs from the roof of the porch. The image is a nod to her song “Me and a Gun,” which appears on the album Little Earthquakes and recounts a rape she sustained. “Well, it’s [the cover of the album] a reference to Me and a Gun, a song I wrote that was on Little Earthquakes. And the idea that there’s a dead cock on my right and a live snake on my left. And the idea is that death and life… creation… what it’s taken me to get here with men, and I don’t want to be angry anymore. And you turn it over and you put the gun down, but I’m not pretending what it’s taken to get me here. But no more resentment.” [Live105 San Francisco (radio) – February 7, 1996] It was taken by Cindy Palmano in October 1995 in New Orleans.[21]“

The first song from the album I ever heard and still a favorite:

“Hey Jupiter”

No one’s picking up the phone Guess it’s me and me And this little masochist She’s ready to confess All the things that I never thought That she could feel

Hey Jupiter Nothing’s been the same So are you gay? Are you blue? Thought we both could use a friend To run to And I thought I wouldn’t have to be with you Something new

Sometimes I breathe you in And I know that you know And sometimes you take a swim Found your writing on my wall You left my heart soaking wet Boy your boots can leave a mess

Hey Jupiter Nothing’s been the same So are you gay? Are you blue? Thought we both could use a friend To run to And I thought you wouldn’t have to keep With me Hiding

Thought I knew myself so well All the dolls I had Took my leather off the shelf Your apocalypse was fab For a girl who couldn’t choose between The shower or the bath

And I thought I wouldn’t have to be With you A magazine

No one’s picking up the phone Guess it’s clear he’s gone And this little masochist Is lifting up her dress Guess I thought I could never feel The things I feel

Hey Jupiter Nothing’s been the same So are you gay? Are you blue? Thought we both could use a friend To run to

Hey Jupiter Nothing’s been the same So are you safe? Now we’re through? Thought we both could use a friend To run to Hey Jupiter

5 minutes ago I had a bunch of things I thought I’d write about. Now, I can hardly write a thing. So many things. This time of year is basically shit for me and this year has been worse than usual. Change being the big theme lately. So I’ve been in hiding. Living in pretend world. Thought I could come out for a minute and write but I find that in my heart right now, I really really don’t want to. And I’m sorry. This whole post is bullshit now. I feel like I’ve wasted everyone’s time by even writing it. But I guess since I bothered to write this much, I’m going to bother to post it to. And go back to hiding. Love ya all….

………….. I dreamed of you last night my friend. You’d come back to be my ghosty best friend because you knew I just needed you. I was so happy to see you, give you a big hug. It broke my heart to wake up………..

These precious things
Let them bleed
Let them wash away
These precious things
Let them break
Let them wash away
These these precious things
Let them bleed now
Let them wash away
These these precious things
Let them break their hold over me

In the land of Gods and MonstersI was an AngelLiving in the garden of evilScrewed up, scared, doing anything that I neededShining like a fiery beacon

You got that medicine I needFame, Liquor, Love give it to me slowlyPut your hands on my waist, do it softlyMe and God, we don’t get along so now I sing

No one’s gonna take my soul awayI’m living like Jim MorrisonHeaded towards a fucked up holidayMotel sprees sprees and I’m singing‘Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I trulyWant’It’s innocence lostInnocence lost

In the land of Gods and MonstersI was an AngelLooking to get fucked hardLike a groupie incognito posing as a real singerLife imitates art

You got that medicine I needDope, shoot it up, straight to the heart pleaseI don’t really wanna know what’s good for meGod’s dead, I said ‘baby that’s alright with me’

No one’s gonna take my soul awayI’m living like Jim MorrisonHeaded towards a fucked up holidayMotel sprees sprees and I’m singing‘Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I trulyWant’It’s innocence lost
Innocence lost

When you talk it’s like a movie and you’re making meCrazy –Cause life imitates artIf I get a little prettier can I be your baby?You tell me, “life isn’t that hard”

No one’s gonna take my soul awayI’m living like Jim MorrisonHeaded towards a fucked up holidayMotel sprees sprees and I’m singing‘Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I trulyWant’It’s innocence lostInnocence lost

-Gods & Monsters by Lana Del Rey

I was going to write a narrative to go with each piece of lyrics, but then I decided the song spoke better for itself AND for me than I could… but tried to use color instead to match the emotion for me. Did it work? Well enough for me 🙂

I’m attaching a fan vid first because it’s where I discovered this song and I love the video. HOWEVER, if you want to avoid spoilers for “Lost Girl” season 4 don’t watch this first version. Watch the second instead.

Non-spoilery song with lyrics:

=-=-=-=

Since I haven’t posted many fanvids lately, and now I’m in a “Lost Girl” sort of mood, here’s one more for Kenzi, who is my heart as well… she don’t take shit from NO one…! (Both fanvids were made/edited by The Suffering Fool)

So yeah… emotional, heavy last week or so. Lots of experiences to think and write about. And today has kinda been a hard day. I missed my cymbalta for two days due to refill hassles you run into when traveling. Stupid stupid insurance companies and “contracted” pharmacies. But finally got my pills… feeling the effects of missing them though.

I want to write about ALL the goings on of late,but I’m just going to bite of a teeny tiny chunk. Was able to see my old friend Teri this week. Haven’t seen her in over a year and a half, but we were very close. She was my “woo woo” friend. We used to find all the alternative practitioners in town… search out the tarot readers, psychics… just we did a lot of searching and talking together. Something I’ve missed.

So we were able to meet for lunch, then had a little time to run to the bookstore. And we were there looking at all the cool new age books and tarot sets… and the more I looked, the more I realized I have been searching outside for something I am just going to have to figure out how to find inside. I keep thinking God is out there somewhere… but truth is, my God just ISN’T out there. If it’s anywhere,.. I’m going to have to find it inside. All the books, the intuitives, etc… they don’t have my answers.

Which is too bad, ’cause… I’m just …. man, the whole God thing… I have so much anger and frustration, confusion… SO MUCH…. I just don’t know if I’ll ever untangle that mess inside.

Someone asked me last week if I had been able to forgive, referring to my assault. I pretty much don’t think about him all that much, and I have empathy for what his life was growing up, so I don’t know if that’s forgiveness or not, but I don’t think it’s a bad place to be either. I’ve worked a lot on forgiving myself, so I don’t think I’m really hung up there… but how do you forgive GOD? Especially when you don’t even know what or who God is to you? I know what I want to believe… but I know what the facts of my life say. And I can’t make the two coincide. I just can’t.

But anyway, back to my epiphany… it’s not in those books… it’s not in the angels…

And this song probably only loosely ties in, but it hits the right feels and that last line… I just love it right now….(someday I’m going to write about that damn movie….)

So much has changed this last week. Internal changes. Things shifting and circling. It’s kind of been a lot of personal enlightenment, all at one. Shifting, circling, new perceptions, understandings… SO MUCH. And I really wish I could write about it right now. But it’s so overwhelming I can’t even think to put the words to it,

I will say that I watched “The Fault In Our Stars” twice this week. and it has changed my life. That sounds sort of cheesy if you’ve seen it… but it really really has. I want to write, but I’m still sorting. Hopefully things settle a bit soon and I can try and make sense of it all. I know it’s all good shifts, but it gives me anxiety anyway. Been hard to keep my brain unoccupied enough to sleep because it keeps dwelling on this stuff. But I think I’m on to something….!

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, 'God is crying', and if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, 'Probably because of something you did'." ~ Jack Handey