Facebook is set to offer fully automated profiles by the end of next year. Users who lack the will to update their status in person at odd intervals will be able to pre-select a lifetime’s worth of status updates that will automatically be posted to their profiles.

Pleased by the success of including hashtagging within their social network, Facebook Chief Operating Officer Sheryl Sandberg has decided to roll out a further series of innovative technological advances. First amongst these will be to give Facebook members the ability to rub together two sticks to generate something akin to the “rapid oxidation of a material”.

As its share value continued to plummet towards zero in its first week of trading, social media giant Facebook has seen off a major revolt by thousands of furious shareholders by issuing a series of heartwarming and whimsical posts featuring kittens and other adorable internet memes.

Shares in the company were initially made available at $39 each last week. But they plummeted to barely $35 within hours of trading, as new shareholders logged onto Facebook for the first time. ‘I couldn’t believe it. It was just a bunch of solipsistic ramblings and inane platitudes being ascribed to the Dalai Lama,’ bemoaned first-time investor Alex Joseph. ‘All for $39 a pop. Thank you very much Mark fuckin’ Zuckerberg.’