zaterdag 8 maart 2014

Who am I in D/s

A few times now, i have had an
experience with a man and another girl... once in rl, 3 times in sl..

I was surprised and a little shocked
how easy it is for me to be dominant towards the other girl , taking
the lead, making first moves, and securing the other girls pleasure
before my own.

Where does this come from?

It gave me a slight panicky thought:
Could i be a switch?

I can not imagine having a sub, it is
just not me, i am the one who looks after others.. But isn't that
what a Dom does too, i wondered?

I found this too hard to think about or
consider and decided it came from submission too, the need to look
after everyone is stronger than my own needs or wants are..

Or... is it a way to stop myself from
feeling too deep, to allow myself to take, or be given?

Am i using them as a shield between me
and my deepest emotional core?

The experiences in the chateau,
especially the last week and a half have brought me new
understanding.

In going deeper into submission, during
a scene, whether it is sexually or not, i discovered that my core is
indeed love.. for myself.. for the abilities that i have to please
others, to make them feel good, and feel happiness because of that.

The cliche: love yourself before you
love others comes to mind:

I have always thought it was the other
way around for me, that by loving others, i could give myself more
value and feel worthy of the love and care i received from them in
return..

Oh boy , right now, while writing this
it strikes me: it is the other way round!

I do love myself!

but i was so ashamed of that , that i
buried it very deep... my core is not black.. my core is light and
love..

Trauma's in my youth, f.i. being
abandoned by my mother at the age of three, have made me believe
there must be something very wrong with me.. i have let that weigh
heavier then my own sense of being good.. shame: how can i think i am
good when i am obviously not good enough for a mother to keep? How
big-headed can you be to love yourself anyway?? So i pushed it out...

A disability, being bullied at school,
somewhat more intelligent that average and finding it hard to connect
with those around me...

I have subconsciously used all that to
convince myself i was not worthy and struggled to make up for my
worse then imperfection.. people told me how much they loved me and i
believed them but thought: they can not see in me, cannot see what a
perverted soul i have, they don't know any better...

So i gave myself, with abandon, to
those who were wanting or needy for whatever they asked of me...

I have often said, when i go out
dancing, it is the only time my body doesn't feel like a burden, but
now i realize this is not true.. also when giving myself and my body
to a man ( or sometimes a woman) i can let go of shame, heaviness
and disability

My body is meant to be used.. not
liking my own body, feeling ashamed of it, i have always given it
freely and in joy for use, sl and rl.. i have felt embarrassed about
that, but even that seems to fall into place now that i am beginning
to know who i am.. the sense that this body doesn't fit me, is
replaced by a feeling that my body is mine, to give in service ...