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THIS WEEK’S PARENT TRAP

My five-year-old son refuses to be ‘himself.’ I know he needs to play, but it’s to the point where he screams at his friends and teachers when they call him by his name. Usually, he insists he’s a dog and will literally go the whole day ‘being a dog.’ I wouldn’t care but the behaviour is getting rude. Some kids are starting to avoid him because they’re tired of the game. My wife wants to let it play out but I disagree.

Parent Traps: Playing is serious business for childrenBack to video

YOUR TWO CENTS

It sounds like he feels anxious and ‘being a dog’ is helping him avoid the demands around him. Check in with your pediatrician to see if there’s something you haven’t yet identified.

Theresa, North Vancouver

When my son was about four he too pretended he was a dog. Most of the day he was a dog, travelling on all fours whenever possible. The phase lasted quite awhile, but he was happy, wasn’t isolating himself, was getting exercise, and no harm was coming of it. My son is now a successful and very personable young university student who is not a dog, but has a great chuckle when he remembers that period of his life.

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Anne, Maple Ridge

MICHELE KAMBOLIS SAYS

Play is the language of children, and toys are their words. And it’s serious business: the World Health Organization has ruled play to be a basic human right of children. A child without play is a child that cannot thrive; it prepares them for real world challenges and wires their young brain in critically important ways. But what if the land of make believe interferes with other developmental tasks, like simply making friends? The answer may lie in the balance between entering the rich world of play and building the coping skills to make ‘real life’ easier.

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First, it sounds like your son is a creative and imaginative child who is using the land of make-believe to cope with a demanding world. Just imagine how much easier it is to be a dog who can bark at people he isn’t yet sure about, or growl at those placing expectations and demands on him. As a dog he’s in complete control, he can create what he needs independent of the real world.

And imagine the attention your son has mustered by being a dog. Chances are he’s been petted, fed, played with and gained connections that he may have struggled to create before. It’s little wonder he’s so invested in maintaining his status as a four-legged friend.

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So, go ahead and enter his doggy domain. Playing along with him is a wonderful portal to his world and will only deepen your bond. Allow him to lead the play, this helps ensure he is able to enter into tender emotional spaces, processing any anxiety or frustration that may be at the core of his doggy desire.

Next, get curious. While you may not always get an answer, posing questions will help your son begin to process the reasons behind the behavior. Asking, “I wonder if it’s easier sometimes to be a doggy than being five?” and “What might make if easier to be your five-year-old self?” may give an opening to talk about the root of the problem.

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Then, name what you notice. This is perhaps one of the most powerful parenting approaches you can have in your tool kit. Let your son know that you notice he really loves pretending doggy and you completely understand how much easier that is sometimes. You also notice that his friends really want to get to know his five-year-old self and when he screams or barks it really scares them. Then help him discover what he can do instead. Once he builds the often-intricate skills of social connection he’ll begin to feel comfortable being himself.

Finally, balance your son’s pretend play with healthy expectations. While you certainly don’t want to repress his need for play, you do want to minimize the disruptive behaviour. Front load him with information on expected behaviours as he’s about to go to school, including the times to pretend doggy and the times to be his five-year-old self.

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Bolster him with tools to manage difficult emotions, including asking for a break and letting his go-to adult know when he’s feeling upset. Reassure him that he’ll have lots of doggy time after school and follow through on your pretend play. Consistency builds trust and sends the message that you really do have his back, emotionally.

Enjoy your child’s imagination while it lasts. In no time at all, you won’t hear from that doggy at all and you may find yourself missing his creative world.

NEXT WEEK’S PARENT TRAP

I’m a divorced mother of three and my ex-husband is completely ‘unavailable’ most of the time. My eldest daughter has moved out and is going to university in another city, my middle is in Grade 12 and my youngest is 12. I’m at the point where the kids are getting older and to take a step with my job I’ll need to travel. Is it wrong to put a 12-year-old in the care of their 17-year-old sister? She’s really responsible and they get along great, but I feel uneasy about it. I don’t really have other options and can’t afford a nanny. What do you think?

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