'Extremist' Preachers thwarted by student apathy

Radical Islamists have spoken at their frustration in making not the slightest impact on Britain's youngsters. Despite speaking at 180 events at 60 universities in the past year, preachers claim that they have been pointedly ignored.

One preacher, who wishes to remain unidentified, said: "Inciting violence requires a certain degree of engagement by your audience. Instead, all you see is an auditorium full of teenagers looking out the window, each with an ipod hanging out of one ear."

NUS Vice-President for welfare Pete Mercer tried to explain: "British students regardless of race, religion, sexuality or gender are a feckless, promiscuous bunch of layabouts. This has been our long tradition. At no point have we ever pretended that University education was anything other than an elaborate scam to avoid personal responsibility and hygiene for another three years."

These lecture tours have been blighted with poor attendance, punctuality and excuses that Korans were left at home. A Home Affairs Select Committee inquiry last year concluded that 99% of all students were incapable of "making notes or referring to study guides", treating every reading list as "optional" and fundamentally "work-shy ne'er-do-wells!".

"We've tried to engage visual learners with YouTube clips of terrorist activity, but once they realized its not a MMORPG they go back to clicking on their smart phones," complained another preacher. When asked if we needed a return to more enabling subjects and less modules, he replied. "Please, there's extremist and then there's EXTREMIST."

One mildly catatonic student was willing to be interviewed in between bouts of the munchies: "Not my fault, my computer got a virus....Wikipedia was down...printer ran out of ink...I already handed it in...er...um...what was the question? If it's not in the exam, I don't care."