Appearance: A glass of warm ale, a sun-dappled larch on the village green, the thwack of leather on willow, a cheeky wink from the milkman.

Have you had a knock to the head? If I have, it’s only because I got tipsy on the vicar’s sherry and toppled off my bicycle in a meadow.

No, really, what is this? I’m talking about my home. The home of decency and sportsmanship. The home of well-kept lawns. The home of leaving your front door unlocked. The home of Kiplings, both Rudyard and Mr. I’m talking about Deep England.

I don’t think this place exists. It does! Deep England is a term coined by academic Patrick Wright, but the notion is being resurrected in the hearts of the villages and market towns that voted to leave the EU. Deep England is what we see when we close our eyes. It is the place we wish to retreat to.

Has this got anything to do with the British Empire? No! The Empire ruined everything! We Deep Englanders believe that life was better before we were introduced to the evils of industrialisation, foreign competition and, ahem, you know.

What? Immigration? We’re not anti-immigrants. We just believe that everything was better when everyone looked like – and was related to – us.

And you voted leave because you wanted to return to this impossible vision? Yes! No more foreigners sticking their oars in, that’s what we say. A quiet life is all we want. We’ll cope perfectly well on our own.

You know that we’ll have to trade with emerging economies such as China and India to compensate for Brexit, right? What? No! That’s even worse!

But you voted for Brexit. You caused this. Listen, we have a postman and a vicar and a garage that mends lawnmowers. Surely that’s all we need?

Have you heard of “La France profonde”? No, and it sounds disgusting.

It’s a term used to denote the blind romanticism of provincial France. It sounds an awful lot like Deep England. No! You’re wrong! We’re English! English! Mary, shut yourself in the pantry! This chap is one of those intellectuals!

Do say: “Deep England is regressive and harmful for the population at large.”