11 failed IUIs, IVF #1- miscarriage, FET #1-nada, IVF #2-triplets but we lost them all at 9, 18, and 21 weeks in 2013. When all hope was lost a friend stepped forward to be our gestational carrier and carried in our twins... 2 years later we decided to try for one more baby with me carrying again...this is our story

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Help Me Love You Again

April 8, 2014

Time to do a little talk on faith in a heartbreaking situation. As a Christian all my life, I could never imagine being in the place I am with my view of God/prayer that losing the twins has brought me to. Shattered. Don't get me wrong, I've said it before and I'll say it again. I will NEVER walk away. Although I have no idea why He allowed this, what He is doing, and to some degree Who He fully is, I will never ever say that He is not good. With that said, that being my core belief, everything else is so broken.

Up until going through the most cruel thing I've ever experienced that went down in the most horrific way my life was fairly smooth (minus the IVF sagas)-to refresh your memory, my water broke 1 day after my 30th birthday, a week later I visually saw her cord hanging from my body, I go to the ER and her foot is hanging out but I'm not in labor, I go into labor at night and she falls out in the bathroom the next morning-then miraculously my body stops labor and my cervix closes and there is SO much hope for Jude. I get a cerclage (cervix sewn shut) and am bedridden in the hospital for 11 days taking IV antibiotics every 4 hours to try to prevent an infection. While each second I live in the horror of what just happened, each second I fear that Jude will die, as I watch family and friends come and pray for miracles. I watch my strong brave Dad cry out to God like a helpless child begging for a miracle. I watch my strong brave husband laying his hand on my stomach begging for the life of Jude to be saved. I myself cry out with all that I have left for God to have mercy on mye and to heal my body and to save my child. Then when we finally think there is hope because it's been 3 weeks, an infection takes over, they break my water while I'm conscious (and feeling him move), and I deliver a 100% healthy normal baby that is 3 weeks to young to have a chance at surviving. As I quoted CS Lewis earlier in my blog it felt like we reached out for help to our Savior and we heard the door slam and then many bolts shutting and then silence.

In my Christian walk this is the first time I've ever experienced something like this. I have had hard seasons but have always trusted that He was working things out for the good. I have had unanswered prayers before but never in such a silent, heartbreaking, desperate situation. It shakes me to the core and although the Bible says "pray without ceasing" at this point I simply cannot. I'm going through all the emotions that come with grief but I'm also a bit cynical. I snicker at stupid things (ie someone praying that God will help them find their keys or take away their headache) Although people have every right to ask God for help in anything, these type of prayers make me roll my eyes. He didn't save my child why would He help you find your keys?? I know better than that, I was raised that He is a personal God and cares about the smallest things in our lives-however at this point PLEASE don't pray to find your keys around me.

Don't get me wrong. I am not "pouting" or trying to "show Him." I am just numb/speechless/and quite frankly a little afraid of what can happen to anyone here on earth whether they are a Christian or not. This whole experience shattered the fun/cute snow globe of happiness I tended to live in and has shown me the suffering and the pain that can happen to anyone. If I do pray, they have massively changed. I have also removed the word "Let." "Let me get pregnant again." "Let me know what you want me to do." "Let me not be so afraid." At this point sometimes the only prayer I can say is "Jesus." Or "God help me." Sometimes I can mutter "Let me see redemption win. Make it right." While other times I simply shrug my shoulders and say "Who are you?" or "I know you will do what you are going to do." I guess this isn't exactly a pep-talk but I think it's important that Christians be real. I just went through a very very sad/nasty situation where my ever-so-longed-for children literally were killed inside my body because of my body-I was a participate in their death. We are humans and we to go through waves of emotions in grief just like anyone-just because we have Christ as the center of lives does not mean we are always happy/protected-we just do our best to constantly remind ourselves that this is not the end, this is temporary and death can never have victory over us since we believe in eternal life. If you are not a Christian I know I might sound a bit loca but if you are, this means everything.

Anyway, there is this somewhat old-school 1990's worship song by Michael W. Smith (don't laugh) and for some reason it's been popping my head a lot lately. The main chorus says "Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy on us." I decided to youtube it with lyrics and the phrase "Help me love you again" really struck me. The singer is asking God to help him love God again!! I could so relate with this. What a strange prayer "Dear God, help me love you again." I think I'm going to add it to my small list of prayers.

I've posted this song before too, it's called Worn, but its one of the only Christian songs I can listen to.

28 comments:

You don't sound crazy, you are going through the natural process of grief - the shock, anger, disbelief, etc etc. I do believe that just as Jesus wept in the bible he weeps at your broken heart and the loss of your babies. While we are told that He works out all things for our good, we are also told that not all things will be good - that we will endure trials. I hate that you had/are going through all this, but trusting that Jesus is catching every tear. That the enemy is going to continue to destroy, just as he already has, but that if you press into Jesus He will redeem and restore. PS I just came across that song 2 days ago and have been listening to it on repeat. Planning to share it soon as well. Hugs xoxo

This is beautiful. You are such a strong woman. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I completely agree with you on the part about "just because we have Christ as the center of lives does not mean we are always happy/protected". I have had women tell me some pretty hurtful things during my own IF journey after I have poured my heart and emotions into a blog post. One woman told me God will not bless me if I do not cooperate with Him and stop wavering in my faith. Really?! No. That's not it. All of the emotions we go through on this IF journey are completely normal and it is not healthy for us to hide them under a fake mask of happiness. I appreciate your honesty. You are an inspiration and I will continue praying for you and your husband.

I so related when you said "At this point sometimes the only prayer I can say is 'Jesus.' Or 'God help me.'" When I'm feeling that way (and inexplicably feeling guilty about it), I play Amy Grant's "Better Than A Hallelujah" and remind myself that "The silence when the words won't come / (is) better than a Hallelujah sometimes."

When you've lost the words to pray, please just remember that there are many of us out here praying for you...

I can not even imagine the pain that you are in right now. But be encouraged, that God says in His Word, that when we are at the point that we can no longer call out to Him, that the Holy Spirit will groan on our behalf. That always gave me comfort to know that even though I can't physically utter a word to Him anymore, there is still someone at the Throne Room doing it for me.

Infertility was one of the first things that didn't go "right" in my Christian life. And I definitely don't understand it. It was the first time I really questioned "why me?" and "where are you?" It's still so hard sometimes, and I can't even imagine what you're going through. I don't have any encouragement because I'm deep in a struggling place myself. But I'm thinking of you and praying for you. I too have questioned God why he allowed this to happen to you, since you seem like a wonderful person and Christian. You are an inspiration, Holly.

I desperately needed your words today and I KNOW God laid them on your heart if only for me. I'm pretty much in the same place right now. My experience isn't as harsh as yours, but I had 2 miscarriages last year...our first 2 babies. All I've ever wanted is to be a godly wife and momma and I don't know if the momma part is going to happen. I'm a born-again Christian and the 'whys' are about to drive me crazy. I work for a Superior Court Judge and see the worst of the worst on a daily basis, including nasty divorce cases, crimes against children, family violence cases etc. I get what the Bible says...my heart wants to know why, and that question may never get answered. It's words from people like you that help keep me going. Thank you for being so transparent and willing to share your beautiful heart. I'm praying for you the best I can.

many hugs- I have been in this place for the last year or so, ( with God, for different reasons, but still very tragic)its not easy, and sometimes comes with guilt from the holier than thous- don't let them get you down- this is your journey. xxxx's

Yes. You nailed it. One of the things that I learned in a Bible study last fall is that while God has a plan for us, it doesn't mean that we have to like or understand what we are going through because we are human and imperfect. It is okay to be angry or feel whatever emotion we need to because He understands us and feels what we are feeling.

There are parts of the following blog post that really speak to me: http://yourmomhasablog.com/2013/11/09/god-may-not-have-a-wonderful-plan-for-your-life/. On tough days, I keep reminding myself that God has a wonderful plan for my eternity.

Holly, I have been following your blog for some time now and cannot imagine what you are going through. This post struck me to my core, so eloquently put. I too am struggling with God and my faith through my struggle with infertility. Many times I have asked where God was or what he was doing. Most recently, my husband and I suffered our second miscarriage and are straining to see God's plan. Keep questioning and searching, I know someday He will reveal to us his plan. Keeping you in my prayers.Lynda

Holly, the weekend you lost Jude I thought of you the whole weekend & cried & cried when I read your post. You have been through so much & it's so normal to have to re-think everything you once believed & KNEW to be true. Now it's harder to KNOW. I've not gone through what you've gone through but I have miscarried triplets & again a few years later. Someone shared this with me & even though it might not totally match with what you or I believe 100% I really really really found it comforting. I hesitated sharing it with you because I don't want to upset you but I know something in this will help at some level. Just move on w/ anything that doesn't match with your beliefs. That's what I did - but the general thought was so nice to hear. Please continue to heal - knowing that this is all part of that process. http://www.cms-broker.com/images/Suffering.mp3

I love your honesty & I love your faith. It's very real...this is what it is to grieve. And it's natural to question who God is, what He is doing, why He would allow this. Losing a baby is so hard, what you have been through is unimaginable. I love where you said sometimes all you can say is "Jesus". Sometimes that's all you can say, and He is there, He is listening. I don't know why He allowed what you went through but i am praying that He reveals His love & peace to you in a way you have never experienced. I so relate to you, even though my miscarriage was not even close to what you went through - but i remember screaming to my husband (the day i found out i was miscarrying), "I will never walk away from Him, i will always follow Him, but i am SO ANGRY with him right now!!" & that's okay. He understands. I'm not mad anymore. But i was. And i still have my moments! Your faith is so strong... many would have walked away from Him after this. The fact that you haven't says a lot. Praying for you daily.

I totally understand this feeling. Sometimes I sit in church and feel like I am a total fraud, because I know my heart is broken and sometimes I just want to scream at "religious" people in my world. I too, felt abandoned by God during my weakest moments. The only encouragement I can offer is that I think these real feelings make us more mature in our faith. I think I like this newer version of myself better, though raw and rough and openly damaged. No one will ever describe me as "religious" again, which is a good thing in my book. Not sure if I am helping at all, but know you are in my heart, and I understand. My circumstances are different, but I get it.

Want to introduce myself. My name is Alisa, and I've been following your story since your water broke with Brinley. I think about you often. I check in on you periodically and read your blog. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You have helped me so much. I will continue to pray. Love you, Holly.

Hello,I am a psychologist and a blogger (http://docgrumbles.wordpress.com). I am currently conducting a survey of bloggers who post about pregnancy, fertility, adoption, pregnancy loss, and parenting. I would like to extend an invitation for you to complete the brief survey found here:https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/MLVBHDG(I am very sorry to leave this in a comment like a spammer!)Thank you so much!Dr. Grumbles

I've been that way with God in the past (completely different reasons though - infertility was really only a tiny part of it). I spent at least a year and a half before I could even face going to church. I certainly know what you mean about not being able to listen to most Christian songs. Two songs that helped me were "Even Angels Cry" by Jars of Clay, and "Oh My God" also by Jars of Clay. Don't know if they will help you or not, but you should be able to access them on YouTube if you want to try

I have no idea why God allows such incredibly terrible things to happen. All we know is that there is a purpose. Your faith truly is so admirable, even at your lowest, and even though your prayers are simple. Your faith is there. Keeping you in my own prayers.

Dr. Olorun Oduduwa I love to be on your testimonial page to spread my happiness. Your hard work and effort is greatly appreciated especially from me. My boy-friend is back home. We are back together. He pick me up from my station today. I haven't saw him in 6 month. I wasted so much time with other spell casters and should have stuck with you originally. You are a truly gifted spell caster and I just wanted to take the time to show how you and tell the world how grateful I am"thanks to Dr. Olorun, contact him if need his help on how to bring back your lost husband or boyfriend to your heart again on; Olorunoduduwaspiritualtemple@gmail.com

Hello my is NICOLAS NAYLA i want to share my testimony on how i married for the pass 10yrs without even conceiving a baby and i have done all the medical check up and the doctors said am okay yet i was still unable to conceive until one faithful day i was on the internet doing some research and i saw a testimony share by someone on how a man call Dr ALEKA help her to get conceive a baby after casting a pregnancy spell for her and i have no option than to also contact this man on this same email which is supernaturalsolutioncenter@gmail.com and to my greatest surprise after he has cast the spell for me and he told me to have sex with my husband and i did as he instructed me and to God be the glory at the end of the month i miss my period and i want for hospital for check up again and the doctor said am two weeks pregnant and i was so surprise and all this all came through with the help of Dr ALEKA once again contact him supernaturalsolutioncenter@gmail.com or you can also reach him on his website http://supernaturalsolutioncental.webs.com/ and also you can read through my blog site: http://nicolasnayla6.blogspot.com for your help because he just save my marriage and i know many of you are out there with the same problem don't hesitate to contact him now.

Thank you for posting this honesty. I keep telling my husband that I've never struggled with my faith like this and I've been through many trials since I was a teenager. (About to be 32 Oct 22nd). I tell him that I hate feeling/thinking this way. Sometimes I even ask him if God is real, or is this real life or is this just me dreaming life and if so what am I thinking, then I make him pinch me. Then, God will give me a song and I cry because He loves me unconditionally.

My Bucket List:

Meet the Bensons

Hi! I'm Holly and Darren is my husband. We have been married 5 years; after our 11th fertility treatment in 2013 we lost triplets (2 were stillborns in the 2nd tri). It nearly destroyed us. The day I delivered my son a friend emailed us and offered to carry some of our biological remaining embryos. The transfer was a success and we had twin boys born almost exactly a year-to-the-date later than when I delivered my son. If I'm not blogging about our journey, I'm teaching high school Spanish, drinking Starbucks, hanging out with family, eating candy-and then working it off at the gym. If you ever need to contact me directly you can at hollybenson10@yahoo.com or if you want to see more into our daily lives, my instagram is hbenson10

How Long We've Been At It:

JB

Babies in Heaven

We have had two miscarriages and 2 stillborns (born 3 weeks apart). I'm 50/50 on naming the early miscarriages but it gives me a sense of peace and reality of their lives. In heaven, I will call for them.

Jaden lost 11/2012 blighted ovum (my sister gave me the idea for this name, it means "God has heard" and he had because it was our 1st pregnancy)

Isaac lost 8/2013 everything was perfect and then stopped at 9 weeks (my sister is law gave me this idea. Isaac means "laughter" and everyone's first reaction to us having triplets was laughter)

Stillborn daughter born 10/30/13

Stillborn son Jude born @21 weeks 11/17/30

Infertility Treatment Journey

Me: 31 I have mild PCOS and ovulate very randomly (I respond to femera and on that have normal cycles)