In the Wake of the News

Here's a 'real' apology from Milton Bradley

An attempt to make everyone happy -- Cubs, fans, himself and the world

September 25, 2009|By Rick Morrissey

There are politicians who are feeling like paragons of sincerity after reading the apology Milton Bradley issued the other day.

"I said and did certain things that I regret," his statement read.

Does that sound even remotely like our guy?

A true apology wouldn't have come slathered with agentspeak. It would have come unscripted and in front of the same cameras, tape recorders and notebooks that captured all of Bradley's outlandish statements the last seven months.

An authentic, from-the-heart apology from Miltie would have sounded something like this:

"I have a terrible habit of blaming everybody else when things go wrong. That's not fair. It's not everybody's fault. Let's just say there are certain global 'forces' at work intent on bringing me down. I'd like to talk more openly about it, but I'm fairly certain I'm being followed.

"I'll admit I'm the kind of guy who could see a conspiracy in a nun asking for directions. But that just shows I'm cerebral. So I'd like to apologize for being a deep thinker in a sport filled with guys who believe bow-hunting is an intellectual exercise.

"I really did want to make this work with the Cubs, and that's why I know I need to get some counseling. But if one more shrink tells me my self-destructive behavior is a manifestation of a deep desire for a world free of rules and authority, I'm going to go off like a weapons depot on fire.

"Apropos of nothing, I dare someone to put me in a locked room with an umpire. Me, an umpire and a cattle prod.

"I know I built a cocoon for myself and shut out my teammates. I've done this with every team I've been with, and it's about time I admitted to myself that I'm the problem. Well, Alfonso Soriano and I are the problem. Kevin Gregg too. And how Geovany Soto keeps his job is beyond me.

"But I'm the one who is taking the blame. And I'm OK with that. As scripture says, better that one man die than the entire underachieving team.

"My first instinct is to say it will be a miracle if any other club wants my big, fat contract and my big, fat mouth. My second instinct is to say of course somebody will want me because, hey, I haven't killed any big, fat umpires yet.

"Random thought: You haven't experienced hell until you've seen Lou Piniella walking around the clubhouse in his underwear.

"Why is it always about me? I just want to go quietly about my business and let my bat do the talking. One whisper of an opinion, though: the reason the Cubs haven't won a World Series in more than 100 years is because Chicago is a miserable place filled with miserable people who moved here to be miserable together. It's only a matter of time before the Cubs call up an outfielder named Les Miserables. Mark it down: Milton makes a joke.

"I promise to stop making outrageous statements that take away from what the team is trying to accomplish. They serve no purpose other than to allow people to twist my words around and make me out to be a raving lunatic, which I'm not.

"True story: I once saw fans at Wrigley ritually sacrifice a frat boy from Wilmette. Got themselves some Kingsford charcoal briquettes and went to town. And why? Because he had the nerve to speak out in support of Milton Bradley! Talk about second-hand smoke! Hello, city code violation?

"I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to all the people who have criticized me. You are pathetic and sick and I feel sorry for you. If somebody can be contrite for someone else, I am contrite for you.

"I don't want to say anything against media members because I'm going to be a popular broadcaster after my career is over. But their comeuppance is going to feel very much like the business end of a jackhammer.

"I will say this: No matter how slowly I talk to writers, what comes out in the next day's paper is wrong. For example, say I tell a sportswriter I often pray that home games go a fast nine innings so I can be free of the loser fans in the stands. It's distorted to make it look like I hate the Wrigley experience. See the injustice? The story should be about me being a prayerful man.

"I think you're getting an idea of what I'm up against. People don't get me, and maybe that's my fault. But I don't think so.

"I'd like to apologize for being so egregiously misunderstood. Unless you'd like to apologize to me first."