Daum cocaine shame – Bayer Leverkusen, 2000

When the Bayer Leverkusen manager Christoph Daum was set to be appointed German national coach in 2000, the press reported rumours that he engaged in cocaine-fuelled orgies with prostitutes. Daum instantly threatened to sue and gave hair samples to the authorities to be tested and demonstrate his innocence. When the first sample came back positive for cocaine, Daum demanded that the second sample be tested. When that came back positive too, he called for them both to be genetically analysed to prove they were not his. This time no one took any notice. A year later he admitted to taking cocaine, but only "in private". He never got the German job. HP

England's dental work – England, 1996

When England's Euro 96 squad travelled back from a break in Hong Kong just before that summer's tournament, they did £5,000 worth of damage to a TV screen on the plane. But so debauched was the trip that the screen wasn't the half of it. Upon their return, pictures were published of several squad members in a Honkers bar celebrating Paul Gascoigne's birthday - by sitting in a dentist's chair and having shots of booze poured into them from a great height. The players responded to the inevitable barrage of criticism during the tournament, Teddy Sheringham using a water bottle to help Gazza to reference the incident after scoring a spectacular volley against Scotland. That one of the greatest goals ever seen is now remembered principally for an alcohol frenzy is testament to Gazza's singular talent. SM

Fashanu survival tips – I'm a Celebrity ..., 2003

Quite literally a glutton for punishment, John Fashanu attempted a record six tasks as he strove to be crowned King of the Jungle in I'm a Celebrity ... Here they are, with John's immediate post-task analysis.

1. The Bridge of Doom - "It's hard."2. The Log Bog - "I don't think that means happy days."3. The Eel Helmet - "This is a silly one."4. Keep It in Your Pants - "It was not nice."5. The Snake Pit - "Whoever thought of that I'd like to meet in a dark alley."6. Bobbing for Stars - "Oh god, it stinks."

A pretty impressive half-dozen from the man who follows a simple three-step diet plan: "Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a queen and dinner like a pauper." The sadness is that after all this effort the former presenter of Gladiators, spokesman for Unicef, sport ambassador for Nigeria and chairman of the Nigerian Premier League, while edging out Linda Barker, was beaten in the public vote by, of all people, Phil Tufnell. WB

Ferdinand larges it – Manchester United, 2007

There are Christmas parties and there are Christmas parties - and many of the apprentices at Old Trafford must have thought they were in for a belter when Rio Ferdinand, with Paul Scholes to his right and Gary Neville to his left, strode up and demanded four grand up front as a sub, in cash. That's a big chunk of change for a 17-year-old to stump up for the privilege of watching an emotional Wayne Rooney attempt to pull. But up they stumped because in the corridors of Old Trafford there is no arguing with Captain Rio, or Scholesy, or the Neviller. Having collected £200,000 in cash, it fell to Rio to spend it wisely. This he did by "generalling" the most comprehensive harvest ever carried out in the United Kingdom. At the end of the nationwide effort "one hundred gorgeous females" had been spotted in boutiques and burger bars from Truro to Dundee and hauled in to attend the Christmas bash. Suffragettes, your work was not in vain. WB

Ferguson and McGregor boozing for Scotland – Loch Lomond, 2009

In these times of solemnity and sports science, it is a relief to find that there are those who still honour the old customs. The Scotland captain Barry Ferguson and his Rangers team-mate Allan McGregor were both banned from the World Cup qualifier with Iceland in April this year. They had played four days earlier in a 3-0 loss to Holland in Amsterdam after which the squad got back to its Loch Lomond base at about 4am. Several players went straight to the hotel's Great Scot bar - but Ferguson and McGregor were both still there as people began to arrive for Sunday lunch. KM

Five go mad in Copenhagen – Scotland, 1975

Few drunken football-related furores hold a candle to the pathetic stramash the infamous Copenhagen Five put on in 1975. Scotland had just beaten Denmark 1-0 when goalscorer Joe Harper, captain Billy Bremner and three other players - Pat McCluskey, Willie Young and Arthur Graham - went out on a drinking spree. Police were called to a nightclub, where McCluskey threatened an officer with his shoe, but the cops took a softly-softly approach and merely gave them a ticking off. Bad move: back in the Scotland hotel bar, Bremner drenched a barmaid with a glass of Bacardi after he was told to stop swearing and shouting. The five were banned for life by the SFA. Though Harper would play for Scotland again, that too seems to have been some sort of karmic punishment: he played in Scotland's humiliating 1-1 draw with Iran at the 1978 World Cup finals. SM

Five Bellies burn-up – Pub, Hexham, 1998

It takes a strong constitution to be Paul Gascoigne's pal. The footballer reportedly bet Jimmy "Five Bellies" Gardner £1,000 that he couldn't stand the heat of a cigarette lighter against his nose for five seconds. Gardner remembers the event differently, claiming that it was just his friend's way of waking him up after he had fallen asleep in a Hexham pub. Gascoigne did more expensive harm on other occasions, as when crashing the Middlesbrough team bus into a wall. In many of the "pranks" there was a sense that the man himself was out of control and his suffering in recent years has been no surprise. KM

Foulke chases referee into broom cupboard – Sheffield United, 1902

Willie Foulke, Chelsea's first and England's fattest goalkeeper, weighed in at 22st 3lb (142 kg) so there was plenty of him that had to be passed in order for the opposition to score a goal. Hilariously nicknamed Little Willie, he won an FA Cup winner's medal with Sheffield United in 1902 after a replay. In the first match Foulke was so disgusted by the referee, Tom Kirkham, awarding Southampton an equaliser that he pursued him, naked, through the corridors at Crystal Palace. Kirkham took refuge in a convenient broom cupboard. Point made, Foulke retired to his dressing-room for his post-match snack (often a hog roast). Known affectionately to the fans as Fatty or Colossus it was he not George Foreman who first delivered the line: "I don't mind what they call me as long as they don't call me late for lunch." CB Fry admiringly referred to him as "no small part of a mountain. You cannot bundle him". Sadly after leaving Chelsea for Bradford City he piled on the pounds, reaching 25st (159 kg). He died of a chill in 1916 having spent the last few years on Blackpool Sands trying to make money from a "beat Little Willie" penalty-kick challenge. WB

Patsy Gallacher's dress code – Celtic, 1925

Celtic winger Patsy Gallacher's greatest moment on the pitch came in the 1925 Scottish Cup final against Dundee, when he scored the winning goal by jamming the ball between his feet in a crowded penalty area and somersaulting into the net. His greatest off-pitch moment was no less cheeky: while on a training weekend in a luxury hotel in Dunbar, Gallacher decided to break curfew and go out for a drink. He managed this by befriending a hotel chambermaid - and borrowing her dress one night so he could slip out for a dram. Such were Patsy's feminine wiles, he even allowed Celtic manager Willie Maley to hold the door open for him as he made good his escape for the night. SM

Gazza's TV burp – Lazio, 1993

When Paul Gascoigne was dropped by Lazio for a match against Juventus in January 1993, he was asked to comment by RAI, the Italian state broadcaster. He responded with a rasping belch. Polite society in Italy was mortally offended - and the country's minister for tourism was asked to conduct a parliamentary enquiry into the episode, an MP asking for her to give a "valuation of this episode of civil courtesy from Albion". Gazza was fined £9,000 for the burp. "It was not a pretty gesture," admitted his manager Dino Zoff. "Everyone in England would have laughed," countered Gazza's advisor Mel Stein. SM

Gennady assassination – Dinamo Minsk, 1991

The key thing if you're a player out on a bender is not to get caught. In that respect the moment things started to go wrong for the Dinamo Minsk goalkeeper Gennady Tumilovich can be pinpointed to his decision in 1991, after a few vodkas, to steal the team bus. Police gave chase, caught him and were busy beating him up when one recognised him. Three years later he turned up at training wearing a plaster on his leg to explain a hangover-related absence the day earlier, before another ill-advised drinking session left him in a car hanging precariously over the edge of a cliff. JW

Ginola not fat – Aston Villa, 2000

With his film-star looks and mercurial talent, David Ginola had been a favourite with supporters at Tottenham Hotspur and Newcastle United. It soon became clear that winning over his Aston Villa manager, John Gregory, might be a little tougher. Frustrated with his chairman's decision to sign the Frenchman, in December 2000 Gregory began to put it about that Ginola had a few weight problems, specifically that the winger was "carrying a bit of timber". A furious Ginola responded by tearing off his shirt when he scored against Manchester City a few days later to reveal the kind of torso that causes women to go weak at the knees. In a less predictable move, he also consulted Cherie Blair, the prime minister's wife and an expert in employment law, about the possibility of taking legal action against Gregory. "I couldn't believe what John Gregory said about me, it was terrible," Ginola later said. "Every day I trained as hard as possible and he was saying I was like Mr Blobby." SJ

Goram naked and lost – Rangers, 1994

As the title of his autobiography suggested, Andy Goram's career was a catalogue of "birds, battles and booze", but perhaps the most notorious incident came in 1994. He had been allowed to go on a family holiday to regain his fitness, but missed his flight back after a bender, and instead of appearing for Rangers in the Scottish Cup final against Dundee United, ended up stranded in a Mediterranean resort with neither passport nor clothes. Rangers lost 1-0 and Goram was transfer listed. JW