So... Anyone know what the recommended brand/model of locking wheel nuts are around here?

imho those are a joke I took mine off like nothing whennin lost The key. and well down here in Houston stocks are going on with the truck crews and a'll seen alot of them with stock ss wheels and had a couple of people try to buy my 45th.

I can understand your frustration. My 2011 was vandalized once while parked at a bowling center (never do that again). Had broken windshield wipers and broken rear view mirrors. I keep telling myself it could have been worse. Obviously, it doesn't compare to your situation but the feeling is the same.