Monthly Archives: September 2012

Hey all! And welcome back, us! Things have been busy lately for everyone, but I thought I’d try to get back into the swing of things with a “My So-Called Mondays” post. Today we have episode 3 to contend with, and it’s about a gun going off in school. Remember, this is pre- Columbine, so weaponry and bullying wasn’t that big of a deal.

We open on a JFK speech, and Angela lamenting over how annoying parents are that they remember where they were when President Kennedy was shot. Well I’ll tell you, Angie, I know exactly where I was when Kurt Cobain was found dead, so just shut your fool mouth. She complains that she’s never been around anything important enough to remember, then goes into how Brian Krakow has to fart a lot… I don’t know. Brian gets a hall pass and sees Rickie struggling with someone (Tino maybe?!).

~DRAMA~

A note is being passed around the class and everyone reads it and looks at Angela in a mocking way. When Rayanne gets the note she guffaws and hands it to Angela. She reads it and gets ~that look~ when suddenly BLAMMO! A gunshot. Brian sticks his head out of the bathroom to see the trench coated man running (maybe this is where the Trench Coat Mafia idea originated?) and Rickie running the opposite way. A locker has been shot and is leaking what looks like whiskey. A gun is on the ground. (Side note: it was Pepsi that got shot and the owner of said Pepsi is PISSED).

Angela can’t be bothered with school shootings and lock downs or whatever because LOOK WHAT THIS NOTE SAYS:

OH EM GEE

SCANDALOUS.

Rayanne says there are 50 guns at school at any given moment so it really is NBD that a Pepsi can was murdered in cold blood during Social Studies. Angela is horrified that people are writing that she’s a whore. Rayanne and Rickie tease Angela about not being a whore. Can she even win? Girl when I was in high school I just OWNED being slutty. Who cares?

At home, Patty sqwaks about how horrible it is that Angela could have been killed at school. Of course she makes something as serious as a school shooting into something comletely annoying. Graham should have banged that other lady. Luckily he’s the voice of reason and reminds Patty that they can’t protect their little snowflake. Of course, post dinner, Patty is STILL harping about taking Angela out of public school. Like private school would be any better? Doubt it.

In gym class the next day all the guys are practicing layups and staring at Angela like she might blow them right there on the court. Gross. I hate the way basketball courts smell– like sneakers and wax and uselessness. Angela and Rayanne have a four hour convo about what one guy’s “Hi” meant. These girls are vapid, but I’m glad Rayanne is in class.

“‘Sup, WHORE”

In the hall Rayanne talks up ~*Jordan Catalano*~ about the shooting, and Angela gets green with envy. Turning, she sees Rickie being pushed around. I love Rickie. I would have gone over there and freaked but of course Angela just looks at him, slack jawed and dead eyed. Rayanne confronts JC about the Angela rumors, and he insists nothing happened. I detect jealousy on her end too. This is deep, man.

Meanwhile, in Dorksville, everyone seems to think Brian chased down the gunman or jumped in front of the bullet, saving the Pepsi can’s life. Before Brian can convince anyone otherwise he is summoned to the principal’s office. The principal is super impressed with how Brian is a genius and will probably be the valedictorian when they graduate. So of course he thinks he’s going to spill the beans about the shooting. It’s awesome because the principal asks Brian why he was in the bathroom. Kid had to poop, man, leave him alone.He even asks him if he had to poop or piss. My stranger danger radar is just going off like crazy. Then he gets all threatening, saying he waould hate to see Brian suffer because he was protecting someone. What a creep.

Now we’re in a PTA meeting and everyone is all pissed off about the gun. They have counseling in place but that’s not good enough, dammit. Rayanne’s mom is there, all upset that nothing is being done!!! This is Rayanne’s mom, the woman who is never home, and the crowd LOVES her. Patty really respects her and wishes she could be as awesome as Mrs. Rayanne. Then Mrs. Rayanne lets it slide that Angela and Jordan Catalano are a hot item and you could tell that Patty is super jealous that Angela doesn’t tell her anything. She goes home and complains to Graham, who should just murder her for being annoying as hell. Angela comes into the kitchen and she confronts her about JC. Angela is very stand- offish. She says she barely knows Jordan, let alone has given him her girlhood.

In some class (who even knows?) the teacher is talking about fear and how the students have a right to go to school without being pestered. Some jock is making “suck me beautiful” eyes at Angela, some girl is making “Protect me, curly-head” eyes at Brian, and suddenly Rickie lashes out at the teacher, reminding him that sometimes people are VICTIMS and they might have guns to protect themselves. True shiz, Rickie!

The jock guy passes Angela a note which obviously says “Let’s ditch these zeros and get naked in the boiler room”, and it upsets her so much she runs out of the class.By the way, this note was passed RIGHT IN FRONT OF RICKIE which means the teacher probably saw it. Give me a break.

In counseling, that crazy bitch is still complaining about her soda, and how she had really wanted it. RIP Pepsi and all that, but it’s time to move on. Rayanne is pretending to be traumatized so she can get some time off school. The principal is still harassing Brian into telling him what he saw. Angela turns therapy into something about the rumors about her…. then the Cranberries start playing. I HATE THE CRANBERRIES. At home, Patty tries to talk to Angela about condoms and Angela is horrified. She admits she probably won’t have sex in a long time because she is schizophrenic about her sexuality. And the music swells~~~.

At school AGAIN Angela is busy looking at a poster about the Heimlich maneuver and Jordan waltzes up to her and regales her with a fascinating anecdote about his uncle who choked on a chicken bone once. “And just like that, the change happened,” Angela’s VO tells us. I know when I fell in love with my husband it was during a serious talk about how to fashion a tourniquet. He says since people are saying they did it, it’s a shame they haven’t and maybe they just should. What a smooth talker. “No pressure, just think about it,” he says. Man how can she keep her hands off?!

In the bathroom Angela overhears Sharon saying that Brian is the one who is telling everyone she banged Jordan. Why would he lie, Sharon says? BECAUSE HE’S AN ASSHOLE, SHARON. Jesus.

The principal wants Brian to tell him everything he knows about Rickie. Angela wants to punch Brian for several reasons. Brian tries to turn it around and make it Angela’s fault. Basically Brian is in love with Angela and too much of a wuss to just say it. In the hall, Jordan apologizes to Angela for his indecent proposal. He tells her he’ll let everyone know he doesn’t want to bang her. Such a charmer.

“I’ll just tell everyone you’re a lesbian, that’ll work!”

Outside, Rickie and Angela have a heart to heart. He tells her he’s jealous of her perfect life and admits he didn’t have a gun but wants people to think he did so they’ll leave him alone. The real story? His cousin brought it to school to sell, they got in a fight, the cousin dropped it, setting it off, and the cousin then peed his pants and ran away. They LOL all over the place. Then she reminds him that Brian is going to say Rickie had the gun and he’s gonna get expelled and arrested! Rickie tells Angela he feels that she thinks of him as nothing at all, but she hugs him to show her true feelings.

Brian gets called in to the principal AGAIN, this time with cops. Everyone is hovering outside and Rayanne tells Angela how much she gets off on gossip and rumors. Brian tells the principal and the cops that he’s been thinking about how protecting the school is the best thing, and then says he heard a scuffle, heard the gun go off, and then pulls a 180 and says he won’t stand for any more harassment!! He’ll sue the pants off the school if they threaten his permanent record again! GO BRIAN! I totally would smash him at this point.

The next day at school everyone is nodding and smiling at each other like biffles until they see that metal detectors have been implemented at the doors. It ends on this weird downer of a scene. PS everyone goes through them with no trouble– no one has keys on them? Okay.Jesus, what a chore this episode was. It reminds me of that week- long Punky Brewster arc in which Punky has to live in a bunch of foster homes. I always hated that week of BS. Anyway, that was yet another crazy incident in the teenage existence of Angela Chase. Join me next Monday, when she hopefully grows a pair and bangs Jordan in his car.

Letty: The Cranberries are a great band! I sing “Linger” to my cats all the time.