Thursday, July 28, 2011

Lately I've found myself leaning towards zebra stripes which is why when I saw this jacket I had to include it (unfortunately it's no longer available to buy). I'd wear this outfit in a flash. In fact, I'm off to see if any is available for purchase!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

We got our tax back today! Such good news especially as we were down to under $50 with bread, nappies, medication and dinner to buy. We bought more than that today.

When we found out about Sesame we went through what we needed to buy. We realised that mostly we needed new stuff for Lufflump rather than new stuff for Sesame.

Today we bought Lufflump a new bed and mattress while also ordering in a bigger car seat for him. Sesame did get something ordered in too; a cocoon for the stroller. Exciting right!?

We still need to go shopping tomorrow to buy a doona, sheets, bottles, and clothes (again most of it's for Lufflump) but today I can relax knowing that tomorrow the mister will be putting together this bed;

Monday, July 25, 2011

If you turned on the news, Facebook or Twitter yesterday you would have seen that Amy Winehouse lost her life to addiction. Some may argue that she already lost her life but I disagree, there was always the hope she would reach out for help and recovery. Sadly, like so many other addicts, she didn't and her body couldn't take it anymore and succumbed to the toxins.

I loved and will always love her talent. Her voice gives me goosebumps. She reminded me of past famous Jazz artists like Billie Holliday and Ella Fitzgerald. When I first heard her sing on the local radio I turned it up announcing I was listening to the Janis Joplin of our time. I was unaware they shared any similarities past their amazing voices. Unfortunately both travelled an unfortunate path with addiction.

Over the years I've discussed Amy Winehouse with family and friends, her music, her husband and her addiction. While they could be harsh I could be nothing but sorry for her. I never felt angry or hurtful towards her. People say she was a bad person as she was a bad role model but I disagree that being a bad role model makes you a bad person. When have you done something you're glad your mother/father/kids didn't see as it isn't something you want to be known for (apart from the obvious, sex)? We aren't perfect, we all make mistakes but that doesn't make us a bad person, it makes us human.

I've done work experience in a detox that was attached to a rehab. I got along fabulously with many of the consumers even though I couldn't always relate to them. Some poignant events happened which changed my life. I remember talking to one older guy who actually broke down because of the mistakes he'd made, people he'd hurt and what his life had become. After comforting him I remember walking into the office where I was told to read his file and find out how nice he really is. I chose not to as I didn't want to be shocked and act differently around him after reading about his actions while under the influence. Another time a man working in Housing came in to assign someone to a half way house. He asked me what I would do if I found out a consumer was a convicted rapist, would I still work with them? I replied I would but I'd be on guard. He then asked if I thought that a person could be evil and bad? I couldn't answer. He could, with a no. I think back now and I think that there are troubled people, people who haven't learned good coping mechanisms and people who make bad choices.

Why am I including this? It's part of why I was so appalled at the lack of compassion I witnessed on Twitter. People saying they don't feel sorry for her, why should we mourn a worthless drug addict etc. Disgusting tweets about a fellow human being. It got to the point where I couldn't sit back and say nothing so I tweeted the following;

I expected to lose followers and I did. I didn't expect to have over ten retweets and over fifteen new followers. People who were sick of the callous tweets and found my honesty refreshing. I didn't think of it like that when I tweeted it. I just wanted to shock people into thinking about how it's not always so black and white. Drug users can and are anyone. Drugs and addictions don't discriminate.

I should back up and tell my story. I've touched on my past drug use in some posts but have never felt the need to go any further with it. Until now. I should disclose that my loved ones know about my past use (I haven't used anything but alcohol, cigarettes or prescribed medications since August 2008).

In late 2006 I found myself single after a two year relationship that I couldn't fight for anymore. I wasn't working and made the move to my mum's on the Gold Coast. After spending my past weekends watching DVDs, playing scrabble or studying I felt free. I lived on the Gold Coast during the week and at my dad's north of Brisbane on the weekend. I partied. It began innocent until I felt attracted to a user. A real party boy. The furthest away from my ex I could get, the complete opposite. He looked like he had fun through my rose coloured glasses. In reality he always looked like he had one or five too many.

Until then I thought he was the only person I knew who did drugs apart from pot. It turned out a lot of my friends had done drugs. Mostly ecstasy, speed, pot and acid. I'm not going to blame anyone for my drug use. I was influenced, yes, but I chose to do what I did. I made the choices even after working at a detox. I look back now and I know I didn't have a healthy self esteem. I'd come out of a relationship I thought would last with a guy I thought loved me and found out he didn't, never had, just thought he did. I wanted to feel pretty, feel valued and wanted again. Most of all I wanted to be happy. Ecstasy promised me I would. Sometimes it did, sometimes I felt in control but other times I'd lie on my couch watching infomercials unable to move or sleep feeling like shit.

I've always been a binge drinker. I've been classed as an alcoholic due to not knowing when to stop, say no or not self medicate using alcohol. I can now so don't think I'm an alcoholic instead I believe it's more a lack of self restraint. What attracted me to amphetamines was the control I felt while on them. What scares me about amphetamines is the actual lack of control I have while on them. I've passed out, vomited, hallucinated, forgotten nights and cheated while on them. I've been carried out of clubs, caught taxis home alone, walked in freezing temperatures and stayed awake for days on drugs. Nothing I have done on drugs I've been proud of. Sure I've met some wonderful people who are still my best friends while on drugs but most I've lost contact with.

The scariest thing ever was being given GBH (a drug I never wanted to try) without my knowledge by a 'friend'. I nearly died. I had to have tests to make sure I didn't have brain damage from it or epilepsy as I fitted for hours. Rather than being a wake up call I saw it as a personal attack and went harder. My friend's didn't appear to really care, in fact the next time I saw them some were high on GBH. I found myself single, living by myself and felt free again.

Not sober

I found a new circle of friends, a more mature yet looser group of people who knew how to have a good time. I met the mister and we enjoyed our wild weekends. Although they stopped being confined to just the weekends. By now we had included weekdays into our party time. Most of the time it was just alcohol but not small amounts. My record in a night was fifteen ABCs (a shot containing chartruse, barcardi 151 and absinthe). I was binge drinking again but in dangerous amounts. I was getting lifts home with people I'd just met or getting taxis by myself when I couldn't even walk properly. It's amazing that I was never harmed. It would have been easy.

One night I hit it too hard. I'd been drinking doubles all day then shots all night. I couldn't sit up by the time the mister picked me up. The next day I had a shocking hangover and my body was aching all over. Three days later I found out I was pregnant. Obviously I wasn't healthy and doctors were inundated with questions about the health of our unborn baby. A week later I left to live on two mango farms for three months with the mister following a few weeks later. We quit smoking, I stopped drinking and we cleaned up our lives. It was easy as we didn't have the habit there. It was harder when we came home. The habits were here.

Lufflump was born healthy and I have been drunk maybe five times since he was born. At a music festival my drink was spiked by a security guard. My choice was taken away again. I passed out and Lufflump had his first bottles of formula. I'll never forgive that asshole but I've been overly cautious since.

Will I do drugs again? No. I see people on them and I don't miss it at all. I believe drugs have caused my anxiety to get worse. Do I judge others that do drugs? No. Will I tell our children about my drug use? Yes. I'll tell them everything I know. Kids know more than you think they do. You tell them drugs are all bad and they'll go out and try them to prove you wrong. Do I regret my drug use? Some. I regret I took it too far, I stopped caring about myself, my safety and my life. I don't regret the people I met through the lifestyle, some are too precious to me.

Judge Amy Winehouse and you judge me too. The difference is I was saved, I decided the life we made was too precious to harm or lose. We were also helped along the way with our move to isolation. Unfortunately Amy wasn't saved and she will go down as one of the legends who were troubled and lost too young.

Judge me on my past and you could be judging your neighbour, best friend, boyfriend, sibling, parent or yourself. If you judge someone on their addiction ask yourself why? If you aren't an addict or alcoholic count yourself lucky that you can stop at your second glass of wine.

My days have been consumed by pinning. You can pin on your phone too using the Pinterest app. You do need an invite but it's as easy as registering your email address and they'll send you an invite. It's quick too and you can get pinning straight away.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Danielle has combined two of my loves today, Polyvore and the snow, with todays Polyvore challenge.

I would definitely wear this outfit and would like it please. Being in the snow doesn't mean looking frumpy. Lucas Pawpaw cream is necessary for your lips, eyes, nose, cheeks and pretty much anything that is exposed to the elements when skiing or snowboarding. The nail polish and mascara are necessary to still look damn good when going in for a drink (or ten) after a ski/board session. I love the pink sports bra to hold the puppies in and the black top, pants, gloves and boots are classic and stylish. The pops of pink in the glasses and the jacket make sure you will be spotted on the slopes which is exactly what Polly, a pro skier and snowboarder, deserves.

Monday, July 18, 2011

I'm happy to say that there is only one Sesame and the heartbeat was normal for around this time. We couldn't see much at all which is disappointing but apparently I'm only six weeks, four days pregnant. I don't really care as we HEARD THE HEARTBEAT! We didn't hear Lufflump's heartbeat until I was about twenty weeks pregnant.

Sesame scan photo!

Lufflump came in this time and was hilarious. He was so serious telling us what was happening complete with hand motions and laughed when we all did. Such a funny little man.

This pregnancy is so different from Lufflump's;

One; I am so tired all the time. During my first trimester last time I was working 60+ hour weeks on a mango farm (in the office) in Katherine, NT. I had three days off the whole time we were up there. Now, I'm having a two hour nap during the day and in bed before nine most nights. The doctor said something about having a child to chase around but I think it's more than that. I'd like more energy please!

Two; I'm sick and I wasn't sick with Lufflump. I think I spewed twice the whole time and that was more from anxiety as I was catching flights those days. Now, I'm lucky if I don't get sick at all during the day. It's been mainly evening sickness which sucks as that's when the mister works. I'm now addicted to mints and drinking SO MUCH SODA WATER!

Thanks mum!

Three; Until I heard the heartbeat today I wasn't quite sure whether it was gas or a baby. A gas baby. Seriously, I've never farted this much in my life!

Four; I'm an emotional mess. Oprah is unofficially banned. I can not get through one episode without hysterically crying. I think it's the music. I'm crying through the happy moments, blah moments and of course the sad moments. Unless I want a good cry I'm no longer watching Oprah.

Five; I've gained weight. I did gain weight with Lufflump early on but nothing like this. I wore my jeans until I was in my second trimester with him. I now wear maternity jeans. Seriously. WTF? I haven't gained any weight in a couple of weeks though. I think. My ass does, however, have a life of it's own.

Ten weeks pregnant with Lufflump

Five weeks pregnant with Sesame

So that's how this pregnancy is going. I have another doctors appointment tomorrow where she will refer me to the RBH Birth Centre so *fingers crossed* I get in. It's the closest I can get to a home birth which the mister is petrified of. In fact he's petrified of having to go through birth again. Poor guy. I wish dad's got similar hormones we do where they forgot the horror and just remember the outcome.

Mondays aren't usually the brightest days so I thought a happy start to the day would make at least me feel better about the day ahead (today is Sesame scan day!). So here goes. If you want to join in please link to your post in the comments. Smiles :)

"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look above the imperfections."

Friday, July 15, 2011

I like Amy's blog, New Adventures In Dreamworld, and she combined my loves thanks to another amazing blog, Maxabella Loves. A whole bunch of other amazing blogs have also joined in (find them in the comments of this post). They interviewed themselves. Genius right!? Well, guess what? Yep, I'm interviewing myself. Right now.

My school report usually said Amy talks too much, if she listened and applied herself to the tasks she could do well.

My first relationship was a disaster. My first serious boyfriend anyway. A disaster that taught me a lot about myself and relationships.

I don't like talking about maths. I suck at it, it bores me and I hate it. Please don't talk to me about it.

My most treasured possession is my teddy bear, Turner. I've had him forever, he's been to hospital and holidays with me.

My father always told me he loves me.

In the movie of my life, I'd be played by I'd like to say Kate Hudson or Drew Barrymore. That'd be nice.

I wish I had travelled when I was younger and able to. I would have gone on a spiritual journey. Actually no I wouldn't have, that's what I'd do now. I would have gone on a massive pub crawl back then.

I wish I hadn't wasted so much money on shit when I was straight out of school. I was so dumb with money.

My most humiliating moment was umm... I don't know. Really I don't.

My guiltiest pleasure is good, unhealthy food. I don't call it guilty though as I don't feel guilty.

My last meal would be really big and delicious. I'd like to enter a food coma after eating wonderful, yummy food. Most likely churros, ice-cream, Grill'd burger, tartare sauce, chips and champagne.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Today Polly is warming up with ugg boots. Perfect winter accompaniment in my opinion. As my Polly is one rich bitch she still demands to look good when ducking to the shops in her lounge wear.

She also knows that some dark sunglasses, a beanie, lipgloss and some perfume can mask the 'it's too cold to get naked for a shower' days. Polly could also be coming home after a girly sleep over or a big night out with her dirty clothes safely tucked away in that amazing bag. Of course she could just be lounging at home on her iPad and iPhone eating pizza and drinking copious amounts of coke.

I mentioned in that post that I bought an outfit to wear to a party which I thought was a White party. However, it is not. It is a Wicked party instead. I don't think what I bought was very wicked so now I'm stuck.

The shirt was only $5 and the pants I did splurge and pay $10 for them, but I justified it by paying $5 for each leg. That's ok, right!?

I did, however, wear this outfit out op-shopping. I had a few strange looks but it's so damn comfy I didn't and don't care!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

I have a BFF, best friend forever, Amanda. We met in Multi-Strand Science when I was thirteen and she was fourteen. Instant friends. We used to pretend we were trees to the teachers while wagging class, we were cool like that.

Year 9

We used to get up to all kind of mischief like wearing Misfits make-up in public, wagging school to play bingo, using mattresses as surfboards down her stairs, watching scary movies late at night, having cake on River Phoenix's birthday and following boys at theme parks who looked like Kurt Cobain. As I said, we were cool. No we were awesome. And that was just at school.

After school we didn't lose our awesomeness. Once we nearly crashed the car because a massive moth was flying around inside. Another time we dropped a friend off at her house and gained a massive spider which, while hissing, hung onto the car on the highway and bouncers at our local couldn't find it when we stopped there hysterically asking them to get it off. We've shopped at 3am Christmas Eve and gained an audience by dancing and singing through the shops. We've had candlelight dinners with coke in wineglasses. We've had sex talks in snobby restaurants. We've eaten amazingly bad Mexican until we vomited and spent the night in food comas. We've been camping together and both of us packed a pair of heels just in case. We've worked together at jobs both while at school and out of school and we can work well together when not gossiping. We've even been featured on a cover of a book looking like drug dealers.

Camping

It hasn't always been smooth sailing and we haven't always been extremely close but we always know we have each others backs. We have the type of friendship where we don't need to talk every week to know we are friends. We even haven't agreed with each others lifestyles yet still we remain friends.

Amanda was one of the first people I told when I found out I was pregnant with lufflump. If she hadn't been living in Ireland I would have forced her to be by my side grossed out by birth. Maybe I wouldn't have, I do want her to have kids. She's lufflump's godmother and will be sesame's too.

We both moved out of the area we grew up in as soon as we could and now pretty much live around the corner from each other. You'd think that'd mean we see each other all the time but we both have busy lives, her working and socialising and me being sick and raising lufflump.

We buy matching sunglasses

On Saturday I finally went to her massive townhouse and we spent the afternoon together. We drank coke, gossiped, caught up on each other's lives and went shopping.

I knew the area she lives in was expensive but it's unreasonable at times. We went op-shopping mainly. One store was cheap ($5-$30) but I swear it was filled with clothes that were rejected in their era. The sister store had all the beautiful clothes but I'm sorry but $525 for a second-hand 80's sparkle dress is ridiculous! It's used. Not vintage. USED. SECOND-HAND. It's likely had other people's juices on it. Most clothes there were over the $200 mark. No. Not right.

We went into other shops. One an antique store that had a wall of death (butterflies), amazing chairs that have never met a child, a pink wrought iron uncomfy beautiful bed for $5250, lots of fur and old overpriced furniture.

A French chic store where we were baffled with almost everything in the store especially the glass mortar and pestle which "could be used like a stone one but eventually it will break, it's more for decoration than anything". If you have a mortar and pestle for decoration WHY?! Get some flowers or candles.

We ended our shopping adventure at Coles where we actually did buy stuff. So exciting! The mister and lufflump picked me up not long after.

I thoroughly enjoyed my day with my BFF and we need to do it again soon. No more hardly seeing each other business. At least once a month we need to catch up and have an A Team adventure.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Mondays aren't usually the brightest days so I thought a happy start to the day would make at least me feel better about the day ahead (usually a cleaning day). So here goes. If you want to join in please link to your post in the comments. Smiles :)

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly"

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Lufflump is not going to bed until stupid o'clock which means that I don't have any 'me' or 'we' time at night to be lazy, blog or watch inappropriate movies.

Mothers, did your toddler do this; have their usual midday nap (two hours) then stay up way past their bed times (like to ten or eleven pm)? What did you do? I've tried dropping his midday nap or at least shortening it but he is so cranky and falls asleep on the floor. Last night I had enough and spent an hour getting him to sleep but I missed The Block and that can't happen again. HELP!

He seriously can sleep anywhere

I'm also stuck on what to write about. I went through my blog to give a post to someone so they could use it as a guest post on their blog and you know what!? There isn't much on here. So now I'm thinking, what did I post on here before? Am I really a blogger? What is a blogger?

So I need some time out. Not a week or anything but I think that I will have weekends off. So now I blog Monday to Friday. I think that will help as I'm not feeling so pressured.

Oh and I quit uni. Well, not really. I did my mid-term exam and only got 50%. I know I should be happy that I passed but bleh. I'm just not into it. I've decided to sit this unit out. Organisational Psychology is boring. No offence to organisational psychologists but I'd rather sit next to a bank manager at a dinner party than you. If you are an OP please change my mind and tell me how the hell you managed to study such a boring subject.

Seeing as it's a weekend now I will post this to say that I will no longer be posting on a weekend. That may change in the distant future but right now this is my new routine.