Wednesday, February 1, 2012

My First Bloggy F Bomb. Courtesy of Pinterest and . . .

And if there's one thing I learned in high school, it's to do what the cool chicks do, because it's idiotic brilliant! And following their lead could make you drunkgroundedjailed happy.

Yep, be a follower, not a leader, is my motto. Unless you're my daughter, in which case CLICK AWAY NOW YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ON MOM'S BLOG AND GO FOLD LAUNDRY LIKE I TOLD YOU!!

Ahem.

ANYwhoo...

Yeah, I tried to avoid it, because I am very busy and important, what with all my Facebookingandboxed-winedrinking parenting and working. But I caved, because succumbing to peer pressure always makes me agroundedjailed happy idiot, and I joined Pinterest.

I am pretty sure Martha Stewart is behind this devil's work online bulletin board, because I'm learning so much. Mainly the fact that I am a complete failure.

And none of these beautiful things? Are yours, also you're probably pretty ugly, yourself.

Thank you, Martha Pinterest.

On Pinterest, you'll find healthy, tasty recipes.

Buffalo chicken tacos, via Pinterest and mrsregueiro.com

At my house, you'll find:

On Pinterest, you'll find beautiful and sexy hairstyles.

Via Pinterest and weheartit.com

On my head, you'll find:

Look at the husband in the background, laughing at my FAIL-do. Yuck it up cowboy.

On Pinterest, you'll find ways to organize your closet.

Via Pinterest and Google.com.br

At my house, you'll find:

But really cute shoes!

Still.

I want an organized closet! I want tasty recipes! I want a pretty hairdo!

Obviously, though, I need help with all my FAILS. So I kept examining the site, and now I am a crackhead. The Pinterest pictures...so pretty...MUST LOOK AT PRETTY PICTURES.

MUST LOOK AT PRETTY PICTURES on my cell phone while cooking dinner.

MUST LOOK AT PRETTY PICTURES on Ipad in bathroom, dripping wet after a shower.

MUST LOOK AT PRETTY PICTURES when supposed to be blogging.

MUST LOOK AT PRETTY PICTURES with laptop, Saturday night on couch.

Saturday night, people! The hell? What is WRONG with me? Saturday night is for nightlife!

I love the nightlife! I got to boogie!

But the pictures...so lovely. And everything looks simple and doable.

"This looks easy!" is what you think.

"I could do this!" is what you say.

You're wrong. Loser.

Like a good crackhead, I study the projects, thinking maybe I can complete some of them. Then, I set my sights on a dog bed for that crazy bitch of ours, Suzie. You may remember the evil Suzie from posts such as this and this and even this.

Suzie is pretty sure she has a dog bed already, called the couch, or rather "Suzie-get-your-ass-offa-that-couch!" I've been pricing dog beds, and even cheap-o Big Lots beds in her size cost at least $20. Soon enough, I find a dog bed idea on Pinterest.

"This will be easy!" is what I think.

"I can make this!" is what I say. Ha ha ha! Oh, I crack myself up.

I head down to the basement, locate my sewing machine, bring it up, blow off all the dust and begin trying to thread the needle.

"Mom - my 'Call of Duty' game isn't working - can you clean it off and get it to work?" says my son, walking into the kitchen.

"Sure," I say.

Twenty-three minutes later, I begin again trying to thread the sewing machine needle.

"Hey Mom. Did you wash my cheer uniform yet?" says my daughter. "You know, I have a game tonight."

Nineteen minutes later, I - what? - start trying to thread the needle once more. Nineteen minutes after that, I am sweating, cussing and STILL trying to thread the needle. I pull out the sewing machine user's manual, 13 minutes later locate the needle-threading instructions in ENGLISH, and start to...

"Honey? What's for dinner?" says the husband.

And...she's out. That's it. I fold.

Fuck you, Pinterest.

You too, Martha.

And so it goes that on the Pinterest you'll find:

Via Pinterest and Etsy.com

And at my house, you'll find:

Scoot the hell over, Suzie. It's Saturday night.

MUST LOOK AT PRETTY PICTURES.

Well, I have absolutely no idea what I did to deserve the honor, but the incredible, badass Vapid Vixen over at The Ginja Ninja awarded me the Tell Me About Yourself Award. Also she said some really nice things about me, which floored me because this chick? Is uber-cool and does things like snowboard and run through mud in the Dirty Dash (which I may do now, at the Warrior Dash, thanks to her lead). I know her first name. I won't tell you what it is, but it begins with D and ends with n and other badass chicks have the very same name. She is funny and smart and I really like her, even though she calls me an asshole sometimes.

ANY-whoo...

I am supposed to tell you five things about myself, but I am lazy and let's go with three:

1. I am a total pansy when it comes to scary movies. Haven't watched one since the 70s, when I was 5 and "Carrie" was on our 11-inch black and white RCA, and Carrie's-bloody-hand-came-out-of-the-grave-at-the-end-OH-MY-GAWD!!! I jumped straight up from an indian style position at my Mom's feet, into her lap - I mean a sheer vertical leap - and had to sleep in her room for the next 8 months. Pretty sure if I saw a scary movie now, I'd have to drive the 3 hours to Youngstown and sleep in my Mom's room for the next 8 months.

2. I am also a total pansy when it comes to hypodermic needles. They are the very tools of the devil. Can't even look at those sonsabitches without peeing just a little. Effin' needles.

3. I have great taste in music. Sometimes. And sometimes I have the musical taste of a 60-year-old virgin. Yep. Give me some Ambrosia or Gerry Rafferty or some "Please Come to Boston," and I'll be putty on your hands. Or, um, I would, um, if I wasn't happily married. Ahem.

I am to pass this award on to five awesome bloggers,but I laugh at authority - Stick It to The Man, is what I always say. And so I'm giving it to three fellow bloggesses (TWSS):

I needed a second cuppa cof before I could find the comment button---if that tells you anything. Now, if I can't find a comment button that's clearly labeled on mah friend's blog, how in the hell can I create beautiful things on Pinterest?? Who ARE these people who make such things? Deal with the devil I tell you! (I"m not screaming!!!) FUNNY, funny post mah bdb! You are so dead on! I am constantly on this thing, pinning stuff as my laundry pile grows and my processed, ugly looking foods sit at arm's reach! It's sad really. Yet? Just.cant.stop.please.send.hellllp!

P.S. Thanks for the award! I hardly ever win anything! I will hold my head up high when I change diapers today. Oh yeah I will! When I spin thru the Dunks drive thru for my third cup of cof, I'll be all, "Don't you know who I AM?"Mmm hmm.

LOL! (That's pretty much my standard opening to any comment I leave on your blog.) I am steadfastly avoiding Pinterest, in spite of seeing references to it all over the freakin' blogosphere lately. I will not succumb. No, I won't.

I do ALL the house cleaning. Last week I cleaned the master bathroom, which is where the Little Woman assembles her body before going to work. I call it the Body Shop. I hear power tools and junk in there. I get in there and there is stuff flung up the wall, smudge marks all over I can’t even identify or can barely make out - through the lens of my hazmat suit.

I said, “Honey, just a thought, but if you gave me (fill-in the blank) as nasty as you keep your sink, I’d have it made…

…Now before you get all twisted about my use of the word nasty, I like things the way they are and it really doesn’t have to be nasty…and neither does your sink!”

I so relate to this blog! Thank you for "keeping it real". After trying to sew in 4-H, I soon realized it was my sister who got the 'Martha Gene'. I decided on wood shop in high school. Much better at creating click clacks and jewelry boxes. I've hear of this 'pinterest' you speak of but haven't braved it yet. Prefer to brave my messy closet for now!

Grrr, er, great blog, at least it was until you got to the silly shit at the end. I just vowed, VOWED, mind you, to skip future award ceremonies, but I have a problem.Not THAT problem. He's been dealt with. The problem is you're my idol, yep, I've blown more than one cabernet bubble in your honor, so thank you. Now give me some time damnit, I'm lazy.

Oh, I am so honored! I've never won an award before. Well, the Skater gave me an award for best mother one time, but I think it was only because I didn't kill him when he blew up the toilet.

I know you and all your readers will be lined up to hear 5 awesome things about me, but you'll have to wait until after this grandgirl is born. Or when I can think of 5 awesome things about me, whichever comes first.

Thanks so much for that most awesome shout-out. I was all ready to apologize for calling you an asshole then remembered why I called you an asshole. So. Yeah. Sticking by that. :) Seriously, your kind words made my day. Thank you!

Heidi - I am waiting for the sewing post! *taps foot*Kerbi - I saw your Pinterest post. You've made awesome stuff! You suck.MTM - I know who you are. You're a winner, baby! win win win, that's you!Jennifer - I will work on MTM, but idk! I'm not sure she's a dirty girl, like Vixen and I. ;0)Linda - see? See? Now you're a crackhead too.Sher - Ah...nice to meet someone who FAILS occasionally, like moi.Ron - You so nasty. I love it. :)Country Girl - (my high school friend) Oh how I wanted to take the wood shop and make the click clacks! Lucky Duck.Lisa - I love the nightlife! I got to boogie! On the disco ro-houndddddd! Yeah.RJ - You don't have to do much arm-twisting to get me to South Florida. Love it there. However, you may never get me to leave. ;)Susan - loved your pinterest post! I can thread a regular needle, but taking the thread through all the gears and what's its on the sewing machine? A whole 'nother story.laughingmom - I am actually pretty crafty, but Pinterest just leaves me feeling "FAIL."Jono - sometimes I think it'd be easier not to have hair.Nurse - If I ever think of it, I will send you an invite so you can FAIL with me.NY - You are wise, wise wise.Eva - I...can't...help...pictures...so...pretty!!Al - You are RIGHT! He doesn't like his pretty dog bed. Wow. I feel so much better!Pearlie - you name the time and place, my friend. :)Gene Pool - Don't worry about listing it. I just wanted to pimp some blogs that deserved some pimp. :)Jen - I know, you started pinning when I did. So you're feeling the pain, feeling the pain.Robyn - thank you! Solidarity, Sister!!Dawn - No problem, lady. Take your time. Being a hawt grandma is hard work, I am sure!Pixie - You are wise, grasshopper. So wise. Vixen - Like my Grandpa used to say "You can call me anything you want. Just don't call me late to dinner." No sweat, sweetie. You rock.Gia - Do.Not.Drink.The.Kool.Aid. Just don't. You don't want to FAIL.Martha - The More You Know! This has been a public service message.

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