Thursday, August 16, 2012

"I once wanted to fast to rid my body of impurities, but I was too slow."

"I'm
a full inch short of how tall I used to be so I called Lost and Found. They said they'd give me a call if someone turns it in."

"I never look at exclamation marks because I got a few bad ones in high school."

"You may not have got that last one. I wrote it above your head. Look up."

"I'm training my car. I've taught it to speak when I hit the top button of this device twice. It tries to lock me out. That's why I have the second button. The third button is for when I want it to party."

"I support illustrators who want to regulate the height of straw in illustrations so no one draws the short one."

"I never watch So You Think You Can Dance because I don't."

"If I was made of butter and you were made of bread, well, we wouldn't starve, anyway."

"I'm a good sport. And just outside this room is my Hall of Fame."

"Christmas time is when my clocks run too slow."

"I had a threesome once. There was me, my ego and her. I won't do that again. My ego kept getting in the way."

"I bought a box of meatless chicken yesterday. It was empty. All you had to do was add chicken."

"I watched the French Connection today. Now I feel like one with the language."

"My doctor was going to send me to a Neurologist to have my head examined. It's all uncharted territory. Maybe she should sent me to a cartographer instead. They wouldn't get lost."

"Once I could sing so high the neighbors a mile down the road called to ask me to keep it down. So I became a baritone."

"You asked me to forget all about it but I couldn't remember what it was so I couldn't. Sorry."