Another Dark Hole

8 January, 2006 - 4:09am — saves_the_day

I do not know what to tell you. I have royally screwed up,
once again. I have got myself cornered in a room that has
no corners. Standing at the far north wall, I stare. Blank
and empty. What have I gotten myself into? Anger over comes
my body, my soul. The expression on my face screams "you are
a total and utter moron!" I should have just told him from
the get-go that I did not want him around. Who, you might be
asking? I will give you one guess...Adam

A few days ago he phoned. The shortest phone conversation I
have ever had with him, and it seemed to last for a hundred
minutes and counting. Okay, so it was not even four minutes,
but time stood still. He once again brought up the whole me
not wanting him to touch me thing. He just could not drop it.
"WHY? WHY? WHY?" He was like a kindergartener who was not
satisfied with the answer he was given.

Last night, he emailed me. What he had to say was horrible.
He felt that our friendship was slowly dying, and that he
did not want it to happen, but he felt that it was going to
no matter what he had to say. I paniced. What the hell should
I tell him? I still do not feel comfortable telling him that
the reason that I was acting the way I was was because I am
a lesbian. I think I have to now though.

I slept on what I was going to tell him. I waited all day to
write the email. I told him the truth about me not wanting him
to come in the first place. I also told him that I had once
said, in an email, to him that I was figuring something out within
myself and that I have finally figured it out. I told him that
I did not feel that our friendship was dying, but if that was
the way that he felt I could not change anything about that. But
most importantly, I told him that there is something else I need
to tell him, but I was still reluctant to tell him because I knew
how it would effect him. What should I do now? Wait for him to
call and ask what it is? Write him a letter to tell him? What?

I got myself into this mess and some how I have got to get myself
out of it virtually painfree.

On the better side of things, I talked to my friend Ashley online
for the first time in months. She had called back in October or
something like that. I wrote down her number but within two days
it was already gone. When I first decided that it was time for
me to come out, I wanted to call her since she is bi. I knew she
would not care and she would know something to tell me that this
was okay or whatnot. She moved to Seattle after high school.

Well, last night when I finally got to speak to her, I told her
that a while back I had wanted to call her to talk to her about
something. Just as I imagined she asked what. I told her that
it dealt with my sexual orientation and the only thing out of
her mouth was, "Now I'm interested. Continue." So I told her
that I had come out of the closet and she was so excited. She
told me, "You have no idea how huge my smile is right now. You'd
probably laugh at me for it."

She was just about to leave for a rave and told me to call her
sometime later. So at about 1 am my time, 11 pm her time, I called
her. She had just dropped some E, so she was starting to roll a
little. I found it slightly entertaining. We caught up on the times
for a while. I am suppose to call her back tonight, but in about
an hour I am heading out to a party. So I will just give her a
ring back tomorrow instead. It was awesome talking to her. She had
told me that in high school she was afraid of me. She thought that
I did not like her, but she felt that I was like the coolest person
she went to school with. Yea, I did and still do find her attractive.
It was always easy talking to her. We could have not talked for
months and then one day had a deep conversation like we were super
close.

When Scott died, she was there for me and I was there for her. It
helped both of us through it. She was definately closer than I was
to Scott, but just knowing that she was there made it easier to
deal with. Damn, it has almost been a year since he died. God Damn.
That is really super depressing.

Okay, moving quickly along so I do not start bawling. Tonight I
am going out partying with Sam. I will not be drinking, too much.
And tomorrow we are going boarding. It is suppose to snow tomorrow,
so hopefully it does. I could use some snow time. Reminiscing
about the past is always fun. Maybe I will get my sorry ass out
to Seattle one of these days and visit Ash, then kill two birds
with one stone and see my sister.

From what I've just read it sounds like your doing damn good.
I'd say keep it up, you sound like your having a life
a fun one. I don't know you well, but from this entry
I don't see much to worry about.
I think you handled the situation with your
friend adam well.

;)

Its the little things that make the big things.

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