Daily Inspiration

What brings you joy? What makes you laugh? What delights you? What brings you peace? What thrills you? What are you passionate about? What tickles your tummy? What do you love? Think it, do it, be it.
By Dr. Margaret Paul

Should I End This Relationship?

By Dr. Margaret Paul December 31, 2006

Most unhappy couples think they know what the problem is, but rarely do they understand what the REAL problem is. This article shines a light on the underlying problem in most relationships and offers a clear understanding of when it may be time to leave a relationship.

In the many years I've been counseling, thousands of couples have
come to me wondering if they should end their relationship. Most of
these people were in love at one point but are now really miserable
with each other, or one partner is miserable with the other.
Generally, they don't know what the real problem is. They know what
they don't like about the other person. They know they can't
communicate about what is important to them. They know they fight
about money or sex or time or chores or hundreds of other things, or
they ignore the problems and are distant. What they don't know is
what the REAL problem is.

Leaving a relationship before knowing what the real problem is, is
generally a waste of time (aside from domestic violence) - especially
if you eventually want to be in another relationship.

The reason it's a waste of time is because whatever you are doing
to create your unhappiness, you are not going to stop doing just
because you leave the relationship. You take yourself with you when
you leave, and unless you heal your part of the relationship problem,
you will continue to behave in ways that eventually destroys
relationships.

You might be surprised to learn that the time to leave a
relationship is NOT when you are miserable, but rather when you are
happy, joyful and peaceful. When you have learned how to make
yourself happy and bring yourself peace and joy, and if your partner
is still distance, angry, needy, disconnected, resistant, unloving,
or acting out addictively - then it may be time to leave if that is
what you want.

When I work with couples, I help each partner learn - through the practice of Inner Bonding - how to take
full, 100% responsibility for their own feelings and needs.
Obviously, if both people are behaving in ways that bring themselves
joy, they will have a lot of love to share with each other. As long
as they are stuck believing that their unhappiness is the other
person's fault, they are being victims. As victims they want to
control the other person and get them to behave the way they want
them to behave. As victims, they are afraid of being rejected or
controlled, and are behaving in ways to protect themselves from what
they fear. All the ways they are trying to have control over not
being rejected or controlled are creating the relationship
problems.

Until you become aware of how you are being a victim and how you
are trying to control your partner - and you are successful in taking
care of your own feelings and needs - there is no point in
leaving.

Most people who are unhappy in their relationship are reactors.
They are reacting to the other person's controlling behavior with
their own controlling behavior. For example:

When Robert is demanding, Ingrid gives herself up to comply
with Robert's demands. The more Ingrid complies, the more Robert
demands.

When Michele complains, Hugh resists. The more Hugh resist,
the more Michele complains.

When Craig acts like an irresponsible child, Karen becomes
parental and judgmental. The more Karen is parental and
judgmental, the more Craig is resistant and irresponsible.

Each of these people are reacting in controlling ways, rather than
acting in ways that take loving care of themselves. Both people are
participating in creating a negative circle. Generally, they then
blame the other for their own reaction: "If you wouldn't criticize,
then I wouldn't withdraw." "Well, if you wouldn't withdraw, then I
wouldn't criticize." "If you weren't so resistant, I wouldn't get
angry." "If you weren't so angry, I wouldn't resist."

If they were to consistently practice Inner Bonding and learn to act in loving ways toward themselves rather than
react in controlling ways toward their partner, then:

When Jacob criticized, Hannah might speak up for herself
instead of shutting down, saying something like, "Jacob, I don't
like being criticized. I'm not willing to have this discussion
until we can be open with each other." When Hannah shut down,
Jacob could be curious instead of critical, saying something like,
"Honey, you must have a good reason for withdrawing from me. Do
you want to talk about it?"

When Sally got angry, Joe could disengage from the
conversation instead of trying to talk her out of her feelings. He
would give up trying to have control over Sally's anger and how
she sees him and take care of himself. When Joe tried to control
Sally with his lecturing and explaining, instead of trying to
control him with her anger, Sally could speak up for herself,
telling Joe that she doesn't like it when he tries to talk her out
of her feelings.

There is no point in leaving a relationship until you have learned to
act in ways that are loving to yourself and your partner, instead of
reacting in controlling and resistant ways. Leaving only delays this
learning until your next relationship. Why not learn and practice the Inner Bonding process before giving up on your relationship?