Some Projects for Senator Feinstein

At the beginning of this week, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid informed the world that he would not introduce a bill containing an assault weapons ban to the Senate for a vote, since there was as much chance of it passing as there is of Bill Clinton taking holy orders (my metaphor, not Sen. Reid’s). This came as a bitter blow to Senator Diane Feinstein (D-CA) who was sponsoring the ban, and whose fondest hope it is to see ARs, and eventually all firearms, outlawed.

I hope that Sen. Feinstein will not mope overly much, because there is work to be done, by gum, and she is the one to do it. In order to make the United States a better place, here are some of my own ideas for firearms-related laws that she might take up.

– A law requiring any candidate for national elective office to be a Life Member of the NRA before they can claim to be a shooter or a gun owner. It would not make this a safer country, but it would spare us all an immense amount of bulls***.

– The Firearms Terminology Correctness Act. This would require that any newspaper, television station, etc., that confused a bullet with a cartridge, a clip with a magazine, a shotgun with a rifle, confused automatic weapon with machine gun, etc., have its license to publish or to broadcast suspended until such time as it can demonstrate to the Board of Directors of the National Rifle Association that it has a basic grasp of what it’s talking about. Words, after all, do have exact meanings, do they not?

– The Reporter’s Non-Exemption Act, aka the David Gregory Law, under whose provisions print or electronic-media reporters who break gun laws “in the interests of journalism” do time and pay fines just as though they were ordinary citizens. We’re all equal before the law, or are we?

– The Homicidal Sh**head Philosophy Non-Disclosure Law would prohibit the media from disclosing to the public the innermost thoughts, feelings, writings, unrequited desires, etc., of the next mass murderer, so that future mass murderers may not gain inspiration thereby and seek their own wretched 15 minutes of fame with a gun.

– The Andrew Cuomo Act, whereby governors who circumvent the legislative process of their states to ram through firearms legislation be declared permanently ineligible for national office on the grounds that they are unfit for such.

– The Joe Biden Act, requiring that officials who give firearms advice that is clearly demented be given psychiatric examinations to determine if they are fit to continue in office.

Take heart, Senator Feinstein, and press on. There is work to be done, and our country needs you.