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I believe it was Orson Welles who said, “ask not what you can do for your country–ask what’s for lunch.” And for lunch yesterday at Nacho Patrol World Headquarters, we boarded the B Line and made for Back Bay to a enjoy some nachos at the bustling Boylston bar, Whiskey’s. Though it was rainy and a third of us were ill, Nacho Patrol carved out a little space in their evening for some quality nachoventures. Welles also pointed out that “nobody who takes on anything big and tough can afford to be modest,” so let’s get down to some serious reviewing:

Appearance: ( 8 ) bright with the multicolored chips and a perfect–though perhaps a bit gratuitous–globe of sour cream on top. We wanted to dig right in!

Distribution of toppings: (7) this plate severely lacked cheese. Sure, there was a glob here and there, but how would we know–everything looked like stringy, disgusting shredded lettuce, probably the most unwarranted and unnecessary nacho accoutrement of all time. Nacho Patrol really resents lettuce on nachos. Like sour cream, it seems like one of those extras thrown on to make the plate look fuller, though it does absolutely nothing for taste and is often detrimental to texture.

Quality of toppings: (6) Nacho Patrol usually steers clear of spicy. Too bad, since the 2-Alarm Chili was probably good, but with the level of heat, it’s difficult to actually taste anything. The guacamole was also pretty unusual–disturbingly chunky, very lemony and practically bathing in cilantro, Nacho Patrol was so put off by our favorite condiment that Patroler Chad said it “looked like a giant had stepped on it.” Whiskey’s loses serious points for the lettuce, though, which covered just about everything in a slimy mesh. Overall, everything was strongly flavored–no concern about salt content here!

Price: ( 8 ) for $10 these nachos presented as pretty average for the “downtown” Boston bar prices. Right across from the convention center and just three blocks from Copley, this place can certainly get away with maybe overcharging by a bit.

Overall: 29/40

After doing almost 30 reviews, Nacho Patrol can say without a doubt that certain nacho failure comes in the form of sour cream waterfall and a deluge of bland lettuce. Sometimes, simple is better–there is no need to dress a plate with half a head of lettuce if the result going to be a brownish, tangled web of soggy leaves and a levee-breaking amount of sour cream. The whole thing makes Nacho Patrol cry. So if you’re in the area and you want some nachos–and are too stupid to go to the BEST nacho destination in Boston, just half a block down–settle into this crowded sports bar/BBQ joint/Tex Mex with glass of milk to quell the spice and a fork to pick off the stray lettuce. You will need it.