Tuesday, July 5, 2011

65 Status updates from my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE favorites:

Among the Facebook Status updates submitted over the last few days on my FAN PAGE, there were two references to Rice Krispies, three references to hiding a dead body, one reference to hiding someone in a trunk, and a whole bunch of other brilliantly weird status updates! You are a sarcastic, cheeky bunch, and I thank you for sharing...

____ is pretty sure I've never gotten that "runner's high" after running. Unless everyone's referring to the desire to vomit and lay flat on the floor. (Donna 'Binky' Knight)
____ The milk in my fridge went bad last night. It sexually assaulted the orange juice. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ There's no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball. (Donna 'Binky' Knight)
____ It's pretty cowardly to put a ding in someone's car door without at least leaving a note scratched into the paint, such as, "LOL! -->" (Nobo Dy)
____ ...and on the eighth day, God created John Stamos. (Jeremy Shaw)
____ Dear FAMILY: Thanks so much for putting my empty cereal box back in the cabinet. Now I can have disappointment for breakfast. (Cassie Tarner)
____ To err is human. To forgive is divine. To forget is better. That’s why I drink wine. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ It's not that I'm jealous. I just hate good things happening to people. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ Whoever said practice makes perfect has never seen most white guys dance. (Tabatha Gayle Wickham)
____ bets that Inspector Gagdet really knew how to please a woman with all those extendable body parts. (Nobo Dy)
____ Can you find the the mistake 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9? "Like" if you found it. (Ruben Esquivel)
____ If I were a bird, I would be the one that shows up right after they finish building the nest. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ If you don't like pirates, you aren't a real person. (Jeremy Shaw)
____ When my texts won't send, I feel isolated, like Tom Hanks in "Cast Away". (Andi Rogers)
____ FYI: If you beep your horn .03 seconds after the light changes green, I will shut off my car, lay on the hood, and feed birds for an hour. (Donna 'Binky' Knight)
____ How to stop SNORING: place pillow tightly over partner's face, hold until snoring stops, then delete this message. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ It seems to me as though, when the undertaker says, "Ashes to ashes and dust to dust", it's kind of a poetic cop out. (readymade777)
____ OOOOOO! AAAAAAH! OOOOOOO! AAAAAAAH! ooh! aah! ooh! aah! ooh! aah! OOOOOOO! ooo! AAAAAAH! (Just watching the fireworks... perverts!) HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY EVERYONE. (Donny Norris)
____ Remember: "Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not only an effective fire safety technique, but also a memorable way out of a boring conversation. (Jason Sellers)
____ No one told me the
Right way to write a haiku.
This last line probably has too many syllables. (Jeremy Shaw)
____ Surprise sex is the best way to wake up.... Unless you're in prison. (Simon Mashababe)
____ loves my boyfriend so much that I think I'm gonna let him out of the trunk for a little while. I just hope he doesn't try to run again, cuz I am not in the mood to play "chase the naked guy" today. (Lisa Arnold)
____ fell off a 50 foot ladder last night! Fortunately, I was on the bottom step. (Nobo Dy )
____ hates it when I wanna take a bath & there's a corpse in my bathtub dissolving in slaked lime. (Pamela Fazio)
____ if all the world's a stage, then who's in the audience? (Joanne Harvey)
____ There are two types of people I hate in this world: 1) People who find a way of putting animals into words that aren't actually there. 2) And hippocrites. (गहिरो प्रेम)
____ When someone posts something that is longer than 4 lines, I just convince myself it's not funny. (Donna 'Binky' Knight)
____ My auto-reply to all fake event invitations is - "Has invited you to the event: Getting Unfriended". (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Nothing makes you a hypocrite quite like parenthood. (Donny Norris)
____ What did 0 say to 8? "Hey, nice belt! (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ bet the Walmart edition of "What Not to Wear" is a very short episode. (Nobo Dy)
____ Doing the Moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoe. (Jason Sellers)
____ never repeats gossip...so listen carefully. (Jenni More)
____ sometimes worries about my short attention span, but not for very long. (Ismael Gonzalez)
____ saw a poor old lady fall down on the sidewalk. I presume she was poor, she only had $1.20 in her purse. (Dale Lanham)
____ A girl on Facebook posted about how she sprained her toe, and I didn't comment on how I hope it wasn't her camel toe, because I'm an adult. (Nobo Dy)
____ has come to realize that my children are like inmates at a jail: They eat for free, they are all innocent and they don't like the warden. (Mary Raleigh Smith)
____ It sucks when you forget to shake the ketchup and you get the gross juice on your plate. (Cassie Tarner)
____ is a little overdue on my bikini wax. Just call me Sascrotch. (Michelle Lacy Lauff)
____ This is annoying… some telemarketer keeps calling me asking about my favorite scary movie. WTF?! (Jacob Waring)
____ doesn't have any skeletons in my closet....So far, just a fresh pile of bodies. (Tiffani Causey Wallarab)
____ has mood poisoning, must have been something I hate...(Julie A Ostmann)
____ Whenever I see a car driving with a mattress tied to the top, I imagine it's a prostitute making a house call. (Donna 'Binky' Knight)
____ It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ is absolutely convinced that if breathing weren't involuntary, some people would suffocate. (Donna 'Binky' Knight)
____ is wondering how many calories my dog burns carrying each mouthful of her dog food all the way from the kitchen into the living room to eat it, then going back to the kitchen to get more. Maybe I should do that. (Alicia Lee Yost)
____ It's not child labor if they think they're playing a game. (Jenni More)
____ That Awkward Moment when someone calls you on the phone out of the blue just to ask how you're doing. Uhhh, can't you just look on Facebook? Geez! (Tiffani Causey Wallarab)
____ Chances are you're a stoner if your response to the question, "Do you smoke?" is "Smoke what?" proceeded by a long pause... "Cigarettes?" (Donna 'Binky' Knight)
____ is having one of those days where the only thing stopping me from killing someone is a rather convincing episode of CSI. (Ali PiratesninjasandDinosaurs Kerr)
____ Don't you hate it when you're texting lying down & all of a sudden your phone decides to be NINJA & slip through your hands & attack your face? (Srikant Tiwari)
____ HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK? I ACCIDENTLY TURNED IT ON YESTERDAY AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO TURN IT BACK OFF. ALL MY FRIENDS ARE MAD BECAUSE THEY THINK I AM SHOUTING AT THEM OVER THE INTERNET. THIS PROBLEM IS LITERALLY RUINING MY LIFE AND TEARING MY FAMILY APART. I JUST WANT TO BE WHOLE AGAIN. PLEASE HELP!! (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ Okay, these Facebook groups are getting stupid. "National Pokemon Hunting Week"? WTF?!?! Everyone knows that was last week...idiots. (Ali PiratesninjasandDinosaurs Kerr)
____ How is that even when I'm walking behind other people, my face still finds the spiderwebs? (Jeremy Shaw)
____ If you have never shot bottle rockets from a beer bottle at your drunk friends on the 4th of July, then you are not enjoying your freedom to the fullest. (Donny Norris)
____ Intelligent people are some of the biggest idiots I’ve ever met. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ David's father has 3 sons. They are Snap, Krackle and ___. (Like if you get it, comment with your answer.) (Kyle Cook)
____ ‎"You are what you eat" has got to be the worst thought-out quote ever. Technically our body discards much of what we eat, therefore the quote, "You are, what you don't sh!*" would likely be more applicable. (Robert Norris Hills)
____ thinks it's funny when someone passes you in the hall and asks you how you're doing but doesn't stop long enough for you to reply. (Donny Norris)
____ used to spend hundreds on my own fireworks display, but due to the sluggish economy, instead, I've bought some Rice Krispies and a half gallon of milk. SnAp CrAcKlE pOP! (Lyn Pefley-Lees)
____ Don't say goodnight via status update...just go to bed. (Jeff Retter)
____ Weird compliments are fun. ‎"I like your shoelaces man." "Why? They're just regular shoelaces?" "Hey now, don't be insecure, those shoelaces are smazzylicious," then walk away. Their expression will be the funniest thing you see all day. (Jeremy Shaw)
____ We need a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings. Like, "Well, I'm bored...let's go brush our teeth!" (Shell_1426)
____ They should start putting beer in those Capri Sun pouches so when you can't get the straw in, you're cut off. (Rod West)
____ This Sunny D tastes like I can't afford orange juice. (Nobo Dy)

If you think you can do better, become a FAN ON FACEBOOK and submit your status update. If my twisted mind likes it, I will post it and give you credit. Thanks for reading!