A/N:
This is another little LWD oneshot. The title was inspired by a song
by The Corrs. It's in Derek's POV, and it may be a little OOC, but I
couldn't make it go away so whatsever. Hopefully this will be up as
part of my massive update (including a VMars 1shot, a couple chapters
to a HP fic HOMS, the rest of MWKWWM, and maybe some others). Please
read & review! Thanks a bunch for having patience (refering to
other story)! -Mac

Disclaimer:
I don't own Life with Derek.

Only
Love Can Break Your Heart

I
have never been in love.

It's
a simple matter: I never allowed myself to. Granted I am a teenager,
I'm still in high school, and 'emotionally unavailable' as Casey puts
it. She's probably right--as usual--the smart ass.

I
don't let myself feel. I don't let myself get attached. I don't let
myself be vulnerable. You can only be hurt if you care. So I don't
let myself get close enough to care. I stay out of harm's way.

I
have my process. I'm attracted to a girl. I charm her. I date her. I
let it last for a while and I let her down easy, before it gets too
personal. Before it gets too serious. I avoid getting hurt by any of
them--but sometimes unintentionally hurt them.

Sometimes
my fear of being hurt is mistaken as a fear of commitment, and in a
way it is. Commiting to one person is opening yourself up for a lot
of hurt, which is something I refuse to do. None of my relationships
last because I end them before they get too far. That's because I
don't want to get hurt, not because I don't want to commit to them.

The
question now would be, why do I feel that way? Why am I so afraid? I
wish I had a concrete answer to that question. It could help me a
lot.

It
might be because I've watched my dad in all of his relationships.
I've seen all the pain and heartbreak he's suffered. I don't even
want to feel that way. Then I've seen him with Nora. While I can't
say I enjoy the situation their marriage put me in, I honestly feel
happy that he found someone he can be happy with.

I
want to be happy like that, but I don't know if it's worth the risk.
I could fall for someone I find perfect for me, and get my heart
broken when she decides I'm not perfect for her. It happened to my
dad. I don't want that to happen to me. I'm afraid that will happen
to me. In all likeliness, that would happen to me.

If
I keep people at an arm's length, then they can't get close enough to
get a tight enough grip on my heart to break it. So that's what I do.
In all aspects but one: Casey.

You've
heard the phrase "too close for comfort." Well, that's
Casey for me. I was attracted to her from day one, but it wasn't a
normal attraction. It was an attraction I couldn't control. You would
think with all the fighting we do it would push her the farthest away
from me, but no. It had quite the opposite effect really. With each
new outburst, somehow, Casey only dug herself further under my skin.
I can't explain it. It just won't go away. It's been driving me
crazy.

The
point is I could never act on it, I would never act on it. I figured
with time it would fade, until it was gone. Instead, as time passed
it built up, until it was overwhelming. So overwhelming, I started to
do something I promised myself I would never do. I started to care.

I
don't know how it happened. I don't know when it happened. I just
know it did happen. And I hate myself for it. I couldn't have put
myself in a worse situation. Besides the fact that it's a situation I
never wanted to find myself in, it's Casey. Casey. My
stepsister Casey. Grade Grubbing, Klutzilla Casey. Smart and
beautiful Casey. Perfect Casey.

The-last-person-who-would-ever-be-with-me
Casey.

Even
if I had wanted to be with someone, really be with someone, it
wouldn't be Casey. Not because I don't like her or think she's
amazing, but because she would never be with me. Caring about
Casey--no matter how much it snuck up on me--would wind up getting me
hurt. If I opened myself up enough to get close to Casey, I would
just be asking for a lot of heartache.

Falling
for Casey would be the worst mistake I could ever make. If I was
going to put my heart on the line--if I was going to risk it--I would
at least do it for someone where I had, at the very least, the
slightest chance of coming out of it without a scratch. With Casey,
that chance was non-existant. She couldn't possibly feel the same.
She would reject me. She would probably laugh at me.

I
had to make it stop. I cared more about her than was good for me. If
I didn't make it go away soon it could turn into something else,
something bigger, something more.

That's
what I was afraid of. After being so dead set on never falling in
love, I might actually be falling for someone--who is the last person
on Earth that I could truly be with. It's scaring the hell out of me.
For so long I've been avoiding getting hurt and then suddenly I'm
standing here and I'm and unexplicably opening myself up to the worst
kind of pain there is. Unrequited love.

If
it ever happened, for real, I could never tell her. How would I ever
explain it to her? She would never understand and she would never
feel the same. I don't know what would feel worse: telling her and
being rejected, or never telling her at all.

What
am I even talking about? I don't love her yet. I might never love
her. I just care about her. You can care about a person and not love
them. I care about Casey. I don't love her. Right?

I
am so confused. Everything is just incredibly messed up. It's all
because I started caring about her. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have this
problem. And if I cared about her as a sister. That would be a good
thing, something I could play off. Like I finally accepted her as
part of the family. But I don't care about her as a sister. I don't
see her as a sister. I see her as a potential girlfriend. I see her
as potential a lot of things. Even when I know it will never happen.

It's
a crazy feeling. I can see myself with her. I can see us happy
together. I can see us having a future together. But I know it could
never happen. It's scary because the future I see spans years. The
future I see with other girls doesn't go past a few hours. I'm afraid
that I'm going to start liking the idea of such a future--even
knowing I can't have it.

I'm
afraid I'm going to start wanting Casey, really wanting her, when I
can't have her. And it's going to hurt. It's going to hurt a lot.
Then everything I've done, all the pain I've avoided, is going to
come crashing down on me all at once.

The
more I think about it--and the more I think about her--the moreI
think that if I had a chance at having her, even the smallest chance,
I would risk it all. I would take the plunge if I had the slightest
chance. I'm afraid. I'm afraid that maybe, just maybe, she's worth
the risk. That small, little fact is terrifying.

I'm
actually considering telling her I love her. And it's scary as hell.

There's
a revelation I wasn't expecting. I love her. I really love her. Man,
I did not see that coming. I love Casey and I am going to get my
heart broken into a gazillion pieces.

Maybe
this is the time to take that risk. Maybe it's time to take a chance.
For once in my life put my heart on the line for someone, for her. If
I love her--which I've already decided I do--then I have to tell her.
Even if she doesn't feel the same, which I'm pretty sure she doesn't,
I have to give it a shot. I'm hurt either way. My mind was made up. I
would have to tell her.

The
decision was easy enough. It was the when, where, and hows that were
giving me trouble. We had to be alone, that much I knew. I couldn't
start a fight with her, that would ruing what little mood there might
be. She would either not listen to me or not believe me. I would have
to sound sincere, without being too sappy and pathetic or cold and
unfeeling. This was going to be hard. Because I spent so much time
avoiding this very situation, I never gave much thought to how I
would tell someone I love them--especially someone I wasn't dating,
or someone who might very well hate me.

She
could really hate me. She might think I'm a horrible person. She
probably does. I've done nothing to make her think otherwise. I've
done everything to make her think exactly that. All we do is fight.
All I do is find something to insult her about. I've done everything
to drive her into hating me. Why would I be surprised if she did hate
me? I wouldn't. I would be surprised if she didn't hate me. I
would be surprised if she like me at all.

This
is why I never wanted to fall in love. It just complicates things. It
makes everything harder than it needs to be.

It
took me a long time to actually tell her. Just because I said I was
going to tell her, it doesn't mean I was brave enough to just come
right out and say it. It took some working up to get it done. When I
finally mustered up enough courage, I made it all the way to her
room--through the door, which was closed, without knocking and stood
right in front of her--before it drained right back out of me.

I
lost count of how many times my mouth opened to say something and
then closed again. Casey was looking up at me from her seat on her
computer desk chair. She had her head tilted to the side as she
watched me. After the third or fourth time my mouth closed, without a
word, one of her eyebrows shot up in question. I was completely
frozen. That was so not like me.

Apparantly
giving up on my silent act, Casey replied, "Was there something
you wanted? Because if there was, please say it now and stop wasting
my time. Otherwise you can stay there with your mouth hanging open
like an idiot, while I go back to what I was doing."

My
head was sending off signals left and right saying 'Just say
something, anything!' I tried to ignore them. If I said just
anything it would be something mean and insulting. I just needed
a moment to collect myself. I just had to get the right words
together.

Casey
rolled her eyes and made to turn her chair away from me. Without
thinking, I just reacted. I grabbed her chair by both sides, keeping
her facing me. I leaned in and kissed her. It was short, fast and
sweet, or so I assumed. I pulled away and took in her reaction. I
took the look of shock on her face as a bad sign and fled.

Once
I was in the safety of my room I calmed down a little. What the hell
had I just done? That was probably the same question Casey was
asking. It was not supposed to happen like that. I was supposed to
talk it out, accept my fated rejection and live with it. I was not
supposed to kiss her. She is going to kill me. I probably have maybe
five minutes tops before she comes in here and murders me. Probably
two, I rethought as I paced the length of my room. I looked up in
time to see my door fly open. Or none.

Casey
was glaring at me as she stepped into my room. "What the hell
was that?"

I
froze with my mouth open, again. I shut it forcefully and
swallowed. I was trying to think of some explanation.

"I
can explain." I said almost calmly, as I walked past her to
close my door. Why did I just say that? I can't explain. I'm still
trying to figure out what just happened myself.

"You
had better." Casey commanded, turning so she was facing me
again, and stepping closer to me.

She
had stalked so much toward me there was only a few feet between
us--even with my back completely pressed up against my door. I had to
think of something quick. Quicker than my brain could process,
unfortunately.

"I'm
waiting." Casey added angrily after a moment of silence.

"I'm
thinking," was all I could manage.

"You're
thinking? You're thinking? I'm glad your brain doesn't go to a
complete waste. At least you're thinking. Were you thinking
back there? Were you thinking when you kissed me?" Not giving me
a chance to answer, she answered for me. "No? No. You weren't
thinking. If you had been thinking you wouldn't have done it in the
first place. Am I right? Of course I am. What the hell happened,
Derek?"

"I
don't know." I answered honestly.

"Did
you think it would be funny? Did you think it was some kind of joke?
Did you think it would get a rise out of me? 'Cause if you did, it
sure as hell worked." Casey rambled.

"It
wasn't like that."

"Then
what was it like, Derek? Could you explain it to me please? Because
I'm freaking out here and I don't hear any answers coming from you."
Casey questioned sharply.

"I
was trying to tell you something but I couldn't get it out, so
I...well I kissed you." I tried to explain.

"Was
it something along the lines of 'Casey, I'm going to kiss you now, so
don't be surprised'?"

"No."

"Then,
what was it? Because I hardly think that not being able to tell me
dinner was ready would cause you to resort to kissing me. Or that
there was someone on the phone for me. Or any other thing you may
have had to tell me. So what was it? Huh? Come on, tell me!"

"I
think it was something along the lines of...I love you." The
last three words came out mumbled and incoherent.

"You,
what?" Casey scowled, not able to understand me.

"I
love you." I said with more confidence this time.

"What?"
Casey's voice dropped. It lost it's angry tone and softened.

"I
love you." I repeated myself, looking her right in the eyes.

"You...you...you
lo-lo, you...me?" Casey stuttered.

"I
love you." I confirmed.

"I...It's
just...I don't...I can't...I..." Casey stammered and tried to
form something of a sentence. Finally finding her tongue, "You
can't just say you love me. You can't just say it, like it's no big
deal. You can't just tell me that, out of nowhere."

"Casey,
it's okay. You don't feel the same, you can say it. I get it." I
replied, "I fully understand."

"What
about the 'It's just...'? Wasn't it an 'It's just, I don't feel the
same'?"

"No
it was an 'It's just so out of the blue.'" Casey corrected.

"The
'I don't...'?"

"I
don't know what to say."

"'I
can't'?"

"I
can't believe you feel the same."

"Really?
Come on...'You feel the same?' I mean, I feel the same? That means
you feel the same as me, because I feel the same as
you."

"I
think so." Casey nodded along with me.

"Then
you..." I began.

"Yes."
Casey cut me off.

"But
you were so angry before, I thought for sure you were going to kill
me."

"I
thought about it. I almost did." Casey joked, "It was just
that you surprised me. I thought you were playing some kind of cruel
joke. I thought maybe you had found my feelings against me. I was
hurt and scared, and then angry. I never thought that maybe it was
just what it was...a kiss. Just a kiss."

"No
kiss from Derek Venturi is just a kiss." I smirked,
suddenly feeling more comfortable with the whole situation.

"And
the jerk is back." Casey nodded.

"I
don't think he ever left." I responded.

"Yes
he did. For a second there he did." Casey said seriously.

"Really
when?"

"About
the same time, you said you loved me. I kind of like it." Casey
answered.

"Well,
I'll have to send him away again." I joked and stepped closer to
her. "I love you."

Casey
smiled and took a step forward to meet me--and closed the distance
between us. I murmured the three little words once more just before
my lips met hers. Suddenly, all the things I had avoided, all the
things I was afraid of, didn't matter anymore

I
was in love.

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