How can emptiness be so heavy? When I saw this ‘six word story’ I stopped. It is one of those thoughts so incredibly obvious yet so insightful and so simple … you have to think.

How can something not there, like emptiness or empty space, carry something tangible?

How can emptiness, nothing, be so much of a something?

——-

“We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.”

Charles Bukowski

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Well. The truth is Emptiness is a burden. A heavy burden.

And emptiness really isn’t nothing. It is made up of, well, a lot of stuff. It is a hole filled with the remnants of everything left behind. Of all things gone but not forgotten. This could include regrets, memories, past decisions and even people no longer there.

If you think about it, all the things that have touched our lives could reside in this emptiness. Paradoxically, their absence may mean that their presence is gone yet their figurative weight, their gravitas, remains.

——

“Sometimes you can only feel something by its absence. By the empty spaces it leaves behind. “

Gayle Forman

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I imagine I could offer up some flippant trite suggestions on how you can put your emptiness on a diet. Thoughts on ‘how to shed the unwanted weight.’ Or maybe suggest we think about all the silly things we do and feel which create the weight in things that are, frankly, not really there.

I will not.

——-

“You can decorate absence however you want ― but you’re still going to feel what’s missing.”

Siobhan Vivia

——

I will not because I tend to believe emptiness will always be heavy. It will always be heavier than it should as well as heavier than we probably want. Suffice it to say emptiness = weight. Therefore, if you feel some emptiness you will be burdened with some weight. Conversely, no emptiness, no weight.

I will only suggest that we become better at carrying that weight — the burden. The emptiness will always remain <albeit we may fill it with some things which decorate the emptiness in things that make it a little less apparent> and we just learn to carry it better.

I apologize if that sounds ‘less than positive’ or not enough of a ‘here is how to shed emptiness’ type advice but, pragmatically, I tend to believe emptiness isn’t something that goes away. If something has earned emptiness status, in that it was important enough that you felt its absence, I hesitate to believe it will magically waft away like smoke.

Emptiness is simply more substantial than smoke. Emptiness is more substantial than nothingness.

Anyway.

How can emptiness be so heavy? Because that which makes up emptiness is something. In fact. Typically a bunch of somethings that matter.

“But it’s hard for a man to give up all his pleasures, even when they don’t pleasure him no more.”

=

Stephen King

—

“Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it.”

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makemethehappiestgirl tumblr

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Ok.

Giving shit up is hard. Any shit. Even the bad stuff. But shit that once gave us pleasure? Whew. We really suck at that.

Why? Why do we suck at it so badly?

Well. In order to let go of something that gave pleasure in the past <which also carries with it the ‘possibility of future pleasure’ because of it’s past behavior> we have to know that the things we will sacrifice aren’t nearly as good as the things we will discover.

Ok.

Let me be even clearer. For most of us ‘aren’t nearly as good’ actually has to be ‘they are miserable substitutes for what I really need/deserve.’

Yup. It has to be that extreme. And that is because we have something in our heads called “anticipated pleasure.’ Research suggests that anticipated pleasure, or conversely anticipated pain, is almost as powerful a motivator as the actual pleasure or pain feelings.

Whew. So anticipation actually can match the real thing. How disappointing.

Anyway.

This all means that when making a decision, even on something that no longer gives any pleasure, you will most likely use the emotions you might experience as a result of the choice as … well … the reason you make the choice. You actually do this by simulating what life would be like with one outcome or another … and measure it against the pleasure you once received <from the thing you actually no longer receive pleasure from>.

Worse? You typically don’t just pick ‘past pleasure’ as the standard … you will typically pick the ‘best of the best’ pleasure you once received <uhm … from the thing you no longer receive pleasure from> as the standard. Studies have clearly shown that anticipated pleasure is closely connected to choice <a guy named Mellers is pretty well known for this>. We assume that decision affect theory <actually called … ‘subjective expected pleasure theory’> predicts the pleasure people anticipate for future outcomes of a given option. Then they weigh those anticipated feelings by the perceived chances of their occurrence, and combine them to form an average anticipated pleasure for each option. The option with greater average pleasure is selected … assuming the average is actually better <and think ‘significantly better’> than the best of the best of past pleasure <from the thing you no longer gain any pleasure from>.

Ok.

How screwed up is that? <pretty screwed up>. Pretty much we make choices based on assessing the value of every action as a function of the total pleasure and pain it will generate, weighted by its duration, certainty, and when it would happen <this was actually stated by some guy named Bentham in 1789>. All I am talking about is actually a reflection <or derivative> of what is called “The Pleasure Principle.”

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In Freud’s psychoanalytic theory of personality, the pleasure principle is the driving force of the id that seeks immediate gratification of all needs, wants, and urges. In other words, the pleasure principle strives to fulfill our most basic and primitive urges, including hunger, thirst, anger, and sex. When these needs are not met, the result is a state of anxiety or tension.

PLEASURE-PRINCIPLE AND REALITY-PRINCIPLE:

Respectively, the desire for immediate gratification vs. the deferral of that gratification. Quite simply, the pleasure-principle drives one to seek pleasure and to avoid pain.

However, as one grows up, one begins to learn the need sometimes to endure pain and to defer gratification because of the exigencies and obstacles of reality: “An ego thus educated has become ‘reasonable’; it no longer lets itself be governed by the pleasure principle, but obeys the reality principle, which also at bottom seeks to obtain pleasure, but pleasure which is assured through taking account of reality, even though it is pleasure postponed and diminished.”

Purdue University

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Here is a basic Life truth. The more powerful the need – the greater the pleasure. And while choca-holics and gamblers and drug addicts will debate with me the truth is that, as humans, our greatest needs are the needs for intimacy, connection, giving, and service to something greater than oneself.

Therefore … meeting those needs is the source of our greatest pleasure as well. Sounds good … but because pleasure and desire are a natural guidance system that directs people toward food, warmth, sex, and other things that meet their needs it isn’t as simple as understanding what is truly important to us.

Uh oh. The system goes beyond basic to guide us toward potential and possible pleasure. Sometimes this translates into a disturbing conscious, deliberate fulfillment of some extremely trivial available pleasures.

You can only hope that your muscle of discernment grows stronger and you can use it to choose greater and greater pleasures <and not choose the disappointments … or ‘lesser pleasures’> which ultimately translate into the fulfillment of what truly matters to us as humans.

But. As I stated in the beginning. We suck at this. We are really really bad at this.

Whether we like it or not — consumption always matters. We can possibly take solace in the fact that the real mental debate is between passive consumption and active consumption. The mental debate is one fraught with a desire for gratification but always tempered with moderation, balance and some self-restraint.

Most of us see through the superficial substitute pleasures we are offered. They look awesome but under deliver on actual pleasure <you may gain some physical, maybe some emotional … but it isn’t sustainable>.

In the end.

We know we aren’t really sacrificing real pleasure to reject them. Hence the reason we tend to recall the ‘personal hedonistic moments’ as ‘guilty pleasures.’ We know we are accepting a ‘lesser pleasure.’ But we also accept the lesser pleasure for more instant gratification. But most of us understand balance <hence the reason most of us do not live a hedonistic life>.

—

“Everything comes and goes.

Pleasure moves on too early.

And trouble leaves too slow.”

Joni Mitchell

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All that said. We all deserve some pleasure. And we all certainly deserve the best of the best pleasure … inner fulfillment. It is quite possible it is because that is so intangible that we suck at giving up anything that may have given pleasure in the past but does not now. All I know is that we suck at giving up something that was good and is no longer good.

To be fair. It is most likely because hope springs eternal in that we hope it will give pleasure once again. And, oddly, that hope is a slightly destructive behavior,. Wow. I never thought I would type ‘hope’ an ‘destructive’ side by side.

—

“Remember that this is not something we do just once or twice.

Interrupting our destructive habits and awakening our heart is the work of a lifetime.”

Pema Chodron

—

Well.

It is destructive mainly because it is mostly misguided hope. Misguided? Yup.

Pleasure is often contextual and situational. And if you agree with that … well … you can never go back.

But. Don’t fret. This is most likely a lifetime job … not something you can just fix overnight.

“Cowardice” and “self-respect” have largely disappeared from public discourse.

In their place we are offered “self-esteem” as the bellwether of success and a proxy for dignity.

“Self-respect” implies that one recognizes standards, and judges oneself worthy by the degree to which one lives up to them.

“Self-esteem” simply means that one feels good about oneself.”

Dignity” used to refer to the self-mastery and fortitude with which a person conducted himself in the face of life’s vicissitudes and the boorish behavior of others.

Now, judging by campus speech codes, dignity requires that we never encounter a discouraging word and that others be coerced into acting respectfully, evidently on the assumption that we are powerless to prevent our degradation if exposed to the demeaning behavior of others.

These are signposts proclaiming the insubstantiality of our character, the hollowness of our souls.

=

A NATION OF COWARDS
Jeffrey R. Snyder 1993

———————–

“Tragedy in life normally comes with betrayal and compromise, and trading on your integrity and not having dignity in life. That’s really where failure comes.”

=

Tom Cochrane

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So.

What is the biggest failure in today’s world? What is the biggest tragedy <or possibly ‘travesty’> in today’s world?

In my mind it is quite possibly our betrayal of integrity and dignity. It could quite possibly be the fact we have shelved dignity to some dusty shelf all the while proclaiming the insubstantiality of our character, the hollowness of our souls.

Look.

I am a hope guy, but on occasion I look around the world and find hope is buried underneath a lot of despair. Ok. Certainly buried under a lot of ‘less than desirable’ behavior by people. And while it is easy to seek blame in politicians and leadership and religion it is harder, but possibly a truer and more valuable exercise, to look at ourselves and individual action. I would argue that within looking at ourselves, undertaking this personal reflection, one has to wonder about dignity in today’s society.

The idea of dignity seems simple enough. But it is actually fairly complex.

As I think about dignity I think <or it feels this way> the meaning of dignity has shifted over time. Oh. I don’t mean this as a generational thing. I just mean it as that over the span of decades dignity is being defined, and thought of, differently. I cannot figure out why because while dignity as an idea is a timeless one it has become wrapped in a ‘dated’ aspect.

To me dignity should be unshifting. It should be a conviction with regard to how one lives, and values, Life.

To me it retains a belief of a some higher potential of acting within some moral excellence construct. Something that resonates throughout everyone’s actions.

Am I too idealistic? Do I ask too much of people? Well. I would ask everyone: what is Life if not meant to be faced with dignity?

In fact. Dignity seems, to me, to be of higher value than wisdom or enlightenment or even respect. Dignity is part of the soul of which resides within each of us … it represents the substantialness of individual character. In other words … it is the foundation upon which all else is built. It is a foundation which one could argue provides the strength to face the inevitable of Life.

Life is often is a battle against the inevitable <and feel free and define inevitable any way you would like>.

Regardless.

To face the fate Life gives us is to have the courage to live even if it means not doing everything that everyone else expects we should have done, and even ourselves might have wished, and do so with perhaps more dignity … than wisdom.

Now.

To be clear when I discuss this betrayal to dignity, to me, we have surrendered our sense of dignity — it was not taken away.

———–

“One’s dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered.”

Michael J. Fox

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Suffice it to say we have surrendered in the most despicable way — we have become silent with regard to dignity. Yes. Silent. We just don’t speak about dignity often these days. And without speaking … the silence has become overcome with other words & thoughts. Overcome with words & thoughts like wealth and power, success and fame.

These are selfish esteem characteristics <or selfish aspects of character> which represent the hollowness of the soul. In addition. Lost in their glamor & fame is that they are outcomes of behavior not outcomes of character and, yet, I sometimes believe we confuse the outcomes.

As one online writer said … “we have become convinced we are nothing but packets of protoplasm governed by selfish genes, clever monkeys with college degrees and business cards plying across highways rather than trees.”

I don’t argue that living in today’s world that it isn’t difficult to activate your selfish genes. The world almost demands you do <’no one will take care of yourself but yourself’>. But by permitting the selfish genes to take over we have foregone some very important Life aspects.

Things like:

Living with dignity.

Dignity of actions.

Dignity of attitude.

Dignity of self.

While it certainly seems like we are in a ‘selfish driven world’ <or at least an “I-driven” world> … when I think about dignity <which I imagine I do far too often> I admit that I am a little surprised that dignity has fallen down so far on our list of ‘desired character attributes.’

Why am I surprised?

Well.

Getting back to the “I-driven” world — dignity, at its core, is closely connected with the idea of individuality. It is associated with how one sees oneself as well as how one reflects upon one’s distinctness, or clarity of self as seen by others, in Life. And I, or self reflection, is a pretty powerful motivator with regard to character.

Individuality means self-control and self-mastery, freedom from the sway of passion and prejudice, the ability to actively determine oneself.

In fact … I could suggest that to live with dignity means to be one’s own master. Ruler of your own empire as it were. Certainly master of your own destiny.

Unfortunately Life is infringing on all our “I” objectives. It seems like the grind of everyday Life is making us think less of our own ‘empire’ <that would be our character and self respect> and more about what we think of as ‘survival’ <just making it through the day>.

That is scary to me. Scary for not only civilization but scary with regard to … well … one’s soul.

Sure. Discussing dignity may sound strange <if not frivolous> in today’s world when our frantic struggle to make ends meet hardly allows us the time to ponder such lofty things. But if we do pause a moment to give this question a little thought, we would realize soon enough that it is not merely the idle musing of someone with too much time on his hands. The question not only touches on the very meaning of our lives, but goes even beyond us personally in that it impacts culture.

For if it isn’t possible to live with dignity then life is simply measured by outcomes < wealth and power, success and fame>. I find it hard to imagine that the sense of the idea of living with dignity doesn’t have some intrinsic value to who and what we are as people.

—–

So many roads, so much at stake

So many dead ends, I’m at the edge of the lake

Sometimes I wonder what it’s gonna take

To find dignity.

Bob Dylan

—-

Look.

I know Life is far from simple. And ‘dignity’ is challenged daily by a Life that is difficult and complex and filled with conflicts <decisions and choices> and moral ambiguity.

Every day, even though we may only see our ‘to do list’, we face numerous crossroad moments each of which offer a potential step toward either good or bad <evil>. And often you cannot see down the path you have just taken a step on. This moral complexity can sometimes make life a pretty painful struggle, but at the same time it also creates a fertile opportunity for growing a healthy dignity.

I would suggest it is at, and within, the everyday ambiguous crossroads moments, choices & decisions in Life that we can either rise to the heights of greatness or fall to almost incomprehensible depths of ‘less than.’

This can become an even more overwhelming thought as you recognize these everyday crossroad moments continuously branch out from the present moment and choice and all the while each choice depends on us as an individual to choose.

I would actually argue that deciding to face Life, and people, with dignity can make this all easier if not simpler.

We face the choicewith dignity … or we don’t.

We face the choice with blame … or respect for our responsibility within the moment.

We face the choice, each as a smaller moral choice, as a building block for not only our individual dignity … but a larger building block for the dignity in human life.

Now. I am not suggesting that dignity either comes easy or without a cost.

———

The fight for justice against corruption is never easy. It never has been and never will be.

In the end, I believe, as in my case, the price we pay is well worth holding on to our dignity.

Frank Serpico

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I included this quote to remind everyone that each crossroad is fraught with peril and that corruption can be tangible as in crime or intangible as in the soul of Life itself. At each crossroad .Life, and choices, attempts to corrupt your dignity. And maybe that is why we elect to not discuss dignity as much as we should.

I don’t know.

All I know is that dignity SHOULD be discussed more and we should recognize it has value and we should understand dignity is not easily won. It is won through deeds and choices.

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“Honour is purchas’d by the deeds we do.”

Marlowe

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And its victory brings a reward that isn’t measured in some tangible outcome but rather through a quiet personal Life dignity which can sometimes only offer an affirmation a Life well lived.

Anyway.

Living a life of dignity is not easy. You have to say no to those around you, you have to say no to society and you most importantly have to say no to yourself. With the sheer amount of everyday crossroad moments each and every one of us faces … we need to maintain a certain discipline to maintain our dignity.

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“Self-respect is the fruit of discipline; the sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself.”

Abraham Joshua Heschel

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Dignity is a self-thing … what I mean by that is … well … it is a measurement of self. Not really an external measurement. Dignity is actually a combination of attitude & behavior … an acceptance and an action. Dignity is accepting the things ‘not done’ or things we need to apologize for:

Words.

Actions.

Omissions.

Dignity is measuring oneself’s actions … failing to step up, or step in, or step to someone’s side <when they needed it>.

Dignity is standing there and say you’re sorry. Say you’re sorry, say why you’re sorry, and take all the blame. No less, no more <without including anything that places even the tiniest amount of blame back on the other person>.

Dignity is recognizing you are a work in progress … seeking to be better than before … and accepting it publicly.

And maybe that is what I wish we would remember most about dignity … and talk about it … and aspire to live a more dignified life. Living life in the best way you can, the most honorable way possible and, well, just try to be better than the day before.

——

“He felt he was himself and did not want to be otherwise.

He only wanted to be better than he had been before. “

Leo Tolstoy

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In the end. Maybe this is all I really need to say about Dignity.

Dignity, in the end, is understanding that no one is your enemy … except maybe yourself.

I was tempted to call this “is this all there is?” … but instead decided on talking about being noble and finding what Sir Richard suggests is a future Life a nobler version of our own. I call it ‘a nobler version of I.”

I think anyone my age, of my generation, having either grinded out the day to day work life … or even loved every minute of the 2,800 work hour years invested <that last was me> … has stood back one day and said “is this all there is?” I would suggest in that little question we are actually questioning the bigger question — whether we are living a noble life <or ‘is there a nobler version of I?’>.

Now.

I love working. I am probably a borderline workaholic. It kills me a little each day I am not working. I have had two of my closer friends say in different words that my work defines me.

I cannot argue. And, frankly, I don’t want to. But that’s not the point <although it will contribute to my point>.

A significant amount of people in my generation are ‘dropping out of the rat race’ and shifting to ‘doing something that matters’ <let’s call it ‘doing something nobler’ for the sake of this post>. They are doing so like it is a light switch moment in Life.

Off with ambition and ‘work.’ On with noble and ‘purpose.’

Watching closely, younger people see what is happening, hear our words, and are questioning whether the work world my generation created isn’t lacking something or that there is something wrong with ‘this rat race they built.’ Therefore they are coming out of the blocks into the working world looking for careers ‘doing something that matters.’Seeking to make some grand gesture or higher purpose investment of time & effort.

Well.

With all due respect to my generation <and hopefully young people listen and follow along> I think we are making a mistake. In my pea like brain I think this whole discussion of ‘purpose driven business’ or even ‘business with a conscious’ is kind of wacky. Ok. Maybe not wacky, because it has great intentions, but misguided. It is so, well, grand. I tend to believe we would be better off focusing on the gestures.

Teaching that work can be done with purpose … not TO a purpose.

Teaching that purpose doesn’t have to be grand … but rather working with purpose is noble in and of itself.

Inevitably it seems to me that we would be better served if we simply taught people <and encouraged people> to be the noblest version of themselves regardless of what they did in the working world and who they worked for.

Yes. We all want the ‘grand gesture.’ But. Maybe, instead, we should be seeking the ‘noble nudges.’

That said.

Living this way is something I call being a tugboat in Life. You nudge the ships around you keeping everyone and everything on course. Therefore being a ‘nobler version of I” can actually be found in nudging. This means Purpose can be found in everyday actions. The largest benefit? You can be noble all the time. Even noble throughout what some people may call ‘the grind.’ In fact … I could argue that this is the noblest of noble living.

Nudging at exactly the right time … at the right moment <because, let’s face it, some moments are more important than others> and you can steer someone back on course.

You can be noble upwards <to someone who is managing you>. You can be noble downwards <to the ‘someones’ you manage>.

Noble is found in smallness. I learned early on in my career … working under the management of some spectacular managers <and spectacular people> that there were moments that if I could take one straw off their back, or even better, be aware enough to not put another straw on their back — it was a burden they could carry and make it to the next moment. My best team members did the same for me when I became manager.

There are moments in work life where you can make a difference in people’s lives.

How they think.

How they adapt.

How they cope.

How they carry a burden they may have assumed.

Even how they make a decision <that could steer them down one path or another>.

Therein lies nobility. Emerson suggested the most valuable thing was an active soul. He called this active soul one which unites and animates the farthest pinnacle and the lowest trench.

I am sure my soul dwells more often in the trench. But I am confident if I remain true to myself and remain true to being as noble as possible <and the noblest version of I> I know I can not only dwell in the trench and be okay … but get to see, and maybe visit, the pinnacle on occasion.

I imagine, metaphorically, in Life and in our work life we must explore the farthest pinnacles and lowest trenches. Day to day can often be ‘the trench.’ And the trench … even if you live it nobly … is relentlessly unforgiving:

“We judge ourselves by our best intentions and most noble acts but we will be judged by our last worst act.”

Michael Josephson

We do our best … and most often our best is pretty good … good intentions and most noble acts. Yet. Even with good intentions … we make mistakes or miss things. And get judged on ‘our worst acts.’ Maybe that is why work is, well, called work.

Work is called work <and not pleasure or leisure> because it is … well … work. Working, in and of itself, is not a purpose but HOW you actually conduct yourself as you work can be done with purpose. In fact. If you choose to do so, work can be done in a nobler fashion and with noble intent.

How was I able to work 2800 hours year after year? I imagine that without realizing it was because I embraced the nobler aspects, the nudges, of the everyday work. The belief that if I was aware enough I could measure up to scrutiny of nobility by doing the right things in the right moments. The moments that not only made good shit happen, but happen to make good people be the best they could be.

Is that not success?

Is that not living a life with purpose … or maybe better said … living life purposefully?

And isn’t this having a career with a purpose?

Having a successful career and making a difference doesn’t have to be made up of some grand gesture nor is it simply found in the company vision you work at. Success, and nobility, resides in HOW you do what you do — how you go about it and how ‘noble’ you are in your attitude & behavior.

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“How melancholy a thing is success. Whilst failure inspirits a man, attainment reads the sad prosy lesson that all our glories “Are shadows, not substantial things.” Truly said the sayer, “disappointment is the salt of life” a salutary bitter which strengthens the mind for fresh exertion, and gives a double value to the prize.”

Sir Richard Burton

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I worry my generation is disappointed with their careers and work life for the wrong reasons. We are melancholy with this thing we called success and profits and momeny and “things”. Maybe we are melancholy because our noble glory was to be found in nudges and not grand gestures and we forgot about the importance of the little things that make up HOW we do things.

Anyway.

A nobler version of I. I cannot think of many things better to be aspiring to — a nobler version of ourselves.

But maybe we should be teaching how it can be done in the everyday work Life rather than treating it as if it is a light switch Life decision.

In the end.

I will always seek to find a nobler version of I … in everything that I do. That said. I sleep well at night.

“Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.”

–

Mark Twain

==

So.

This one has been stewing in my pea-like brain for awhile. Every once in awhile you have a conversation with someone that makes you think … because it kind of rocks you to your core of being.

I had one of those.

I had dinner with an old friend. This is a friend who may qualify as one of the nicest guys on the entire planet … and a guy who has seemingly lost faith in human race’s ability to do the right thing. Sound harsh?

Well. It sounded tough sitting there too. And it made me not only think about him, and what got him started down this path and the ultimate place he current resides mentally, but it also made me think about us … as people.

I will begin with the crux of the discussion.

He began with “Why don’t people do the right thing when they obviously know what the right thing to do is?” And he said it with a cynicism and disdain in talking about why people don’t do the right thing (even when it is so obvious it is impossible not to know). This was a 3 pitchers of beer type of ‘how do I wrap my head around that question and why is it true?”

So.

The issue seems simple at its foundation. Simple … because knowing what’s “right” isn’t enough. People can easily discern the difference between right and wrong. We all really know the right thing to do.

Well.

Lets say 99.9% of people do. I say this upfront because I believe a lot of people get caught up focusing on the wrong things when thinking about this issue (because a BOATLOAD of people are thinking about this issue).

It’s in our actions that it all seems to start falling apart, as in:

“I know I shouldn’t do this, but I’m going to do it anyway.”

Some people are so far gone that this thought is fleeting prior to taking action. But, thankfully, for most people this is a thoughtful – or thoughtful enough that it is recognizable mentally – process. Therefore I want to focus on what happens between what we know we should do and what we actually do.

Whew. Let me suggest several things about not doing the right thing:

1. We are not born wanting to do the wrong thing. In fact as children we see the best in everyone. We have hope that good is the majority and is the strongest and will win out over “those who seek to do wrong.” So something goes wrong over time (ok. So something happens over time that skews that perspective).

2. Changed perspective doesn’t happen overnight. Sure. Some ‘big thing’ can happen that swings you 180degrees in terms of cynicism and self focus. But more likely we begin to see questions of “do they have good intentions” creep in when assessing what actions we SHOULD take and slowly cynicism overcomes ‘light with dark’.

3. It is now a cultural/generation issue (so I am saying it is a BIG issue). It appears we are shifting as people who used to believe ‘innocent until proven guilty’ to a culture of ‘guilty until proven innocent’. That, my friends, is a big thing. A really big thing. And, frankly, I worry it will affect children’s attitudes as they grow up. Regardless. We are becoming a people focused on“ I have to focus on what’s right for me because if I don’t I am gonna get screwed.”

And that means while we often referred to the Millennials as the “me generation” we should be altering that to say we are ALL now in the “me generation.”

Ok. Let’s be clear. I am NOT writing about social responsibility. This is about individual responsibility. This is about ‘me’ making a decision (with an eye on how it impacts the overarching ‘we’).

Look.

The gap between understanding what is right and the action is manageable – society pressure withstanding. Even though you may know something is wrong and you have a desire to want to do it you, an empowered individual, need to figure out how to leave it, this ‘me-focused-desire-thing’ in your head’s fantasyland. Unfortunately. We are human. And the outside world affects how we think and how we behave.

I am not going to suggest this is a moral or ethical discussion (although much of it is).

I am going to suggest that the true battle today on this “do the right thing” war is more about the individual <and what is inside the individual>. I say this to make a point about the individualism versus collectivism construct battle (an “I versus a “we” moral construct … or ‘what is right for me’ versus ‘what is right for the ‘we’ battle).

Because the battle is, and should be, fought individually.

This is about pessimism winning out over positive. Or even cynicism overcoming optimism. And all these things become important because a thought becomes a belief. And a belief becomes an action. And, ultimately, an action becomes our behavior <re-occurring actions>.

All of these words I am using should be suggesting that there’s more to this issue than a simple question of right or wrong. There are many things wrapped up in “why aren’t people doing the right thing more often.”

“I just try to do the right thing at the right time. They may just be little things, but usually they make the difference between winning and losing.”

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Yeah. This is about winning and losing. Winning and losing in life. Not a game. Plato and Socrates believed that moral virtue was the most valuable thing. Essentially, they believed “virtue is its own reward.” The key to this lies in the notion that “virtue is the health of the soul.”

Therefore, doing the right thing doesn’t translate into anything tangible (ignore the whole concept of “good things happen to good people”) but rather something of a higher order self-benefit.

Uh oh. Trouble.

Because the intangible ‘health of soul’ doesn’t mean shit when you start thinking about tangibles when we begin to view the rest of the world as “out to get me.” And we begin cocooning our decisions and center everything around “what’s in it for me” (or “I have to look out for me because no one else will’).

Yes. I do understand that all of us have an interest in adding to our happiness, whether that is some pleasure of the moment, success in a job, or whatever it takes. If what is right and what is in our own interest coincide, we have no problem doing the right thing. Or maybe we’re willing to do the right thing (and avoid some guilt) only if it’s a little inconveniently “not the right thing for me.”

But. It is when what is right and what makes us happy are opposites (or we feel significant risk to our benefit and happiness) when we reach a real dilemma (problem).

I am not naïve. I know that at times like this, when strong desires pull us in opposite directions, it’s hard to do the ethical ‘right’ thing <for someone else>. And when we do resist the temptation of doing something other than the right thing we usually want to feel that somehow we’re going to get something for it. That may not be very high-minded, but most of us, when confronted with moral dilemmas, really want to ask: “What’s in it for me if I do what’s right?”

It doesn’t have to be fame and fortune, it may just be a good feeling about who we are, or it can be pain avoidance (I didn’t get screwed or yelled at or whatever). But most of us want a good positive response reason to be good.

Enough already. Back to the core issue. Doing the right thing. Why should we do the right thing?

A simple question. The answer, although it may seem simple, is probably the most difficult task in ethics. Legal systems and religious traditions seemingly have an easy time giving us the answer.

“We should do what’s right in order to avoid punishment for doing wrong–either in this life or the next.”

But real every day life just isn’t that simple (see the word “legal” and “religious” I used in the sentence prior and the nuances and debatable aspects of both make your head spin). All of this is very hard to do. Yet. It does boil down to something really simple in concept.

This all seems to boil down to “step up and do the right thing…” or “just do the right thing…”

Sounds easy. But, once again, even that isn’t simple. Doing the right thing isn’t that easy. In fact, it’s pretty near impossible some of the time. Someone online outlined a couple problems as examples:

1. Doing the right thing is hard work and horribly painful. It can hurt. Doing the right thing is always harder than doing the wrong thing. That’s why it’s so easy to not do the right thing. You naturally just slip into the behaviors that hurt you the least. When you have to make hard, painful decisions that affect you and the people that you love, doing the right things suddenly looks like the wrong thing.

2. Doing the right thing isn’t always clear. — What is right today might look horribly selfish and self-centered a year from now when you look back. Isn’t it better to have that introspective discussion now rather than a year from now? And even when you look at the choices in front of you with an open mind there are always a few options that you probably haven’t considered.

You don’t know everything. Choosing “good” might look bad if a “better” or “best” were clear.

In every aspect you can think of … well … it is difficult to do the right thing <and be sure it is the right thing>.

Any aspect. Figuratively, emotionally, financially and even physically.

But. Here is the deal (as I get close to finishing this rant) In general, being successful has always been about doing the hard things. So doing the right thing falls squarely into this category.

Yeah.

Once again. I get it. It shouldn’t be hard. And we shouldn’t have to feel pain (financially, emotionally, whatever) if we do the right thing. But. The only way you can truly get a grip on this ‘do the right thing’ issue is to wrap your head around the fact we are all in the hope business.

All of us. Every day. Even with seemingly inconsequential type actions.

We all are dealers of hope. Because if we don’t do the right thing then we give no one ‘hope’ it can be better or get better. And if we do not look at it that way then it becomes a doom loop of ‘doing the wrong things.’ How to break the loop? Well … shit ... do the right thing.

Why?

You have forgotten something. Cynicism and the belief you are gonna get screwed if you do the right thing has made you forget you can make a difference. And even if the difference is one person … or one event … that one person maybe begets another person … and another … and then, well, you are starting to make a difference.

But someone has to be the first. Because if we don’t step up and start doing the right things I fear in the end we will not be able to measure our lives in anything but material and tangible things. In “here is what I have and did” rather than “did I do the right thing” measurement.

The first is great from an individual standpoint.

The second is better because it shows up on your gravestone and people stop and read it and they smile and they feel better. It impacts others not just ‘self’ (although it does affect self in a very meaningful way)

In religious circles they state this as “setting aside pride, lust, materialism and act based upon love, compassion and self sacrifice.”

So.

As I stated earlier in this little diatribe of mine … this is NOT about social responsibility. This is about individual responsibility. This is about ‘me’ making a decision (with an eye on how it impacts the overarching ‘we’).

===

“That’s what it takes to be a hero, a little gem of innocence inside you that makes you want to believe that there still exists a right and wrong and that decency will somehow triumph in the end.”

–

Lisa Hand

==

My friend’s discomforting discussion reminds me we all need to step up and be a little bit of a hero. On a day to day basis. And not for the sake of being called an actual hero but for the sake of … well … what is right. And the impact you can have on one person … and in this case a friend. Someone who could easily have been called the nicest guy in the world and life has eroded to a state of cynicism. Because someone didn’t step up … and do the right thing.

So that decency triumphs.

All that said. If you agree, then just do the right thing when you have the opportunity.

===

“Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else.”

This is about disruption and business. This is one of my favorite words & topics. It is one of my favorites for two reasons.

First is that it is an overlooked way to be successful in the marketplace. Far too often businesses simply seek to “compete.” They are satisfied with standing in the ring and bludgeon each other all the while suggesting that this is “smart fighting giving me an edge.” It is not. Shit. “Edges” <in this case> is simply staying in the fight and not a plan to win a fight. Disruption is all about wins and winning.

Second. It is one of the few words in business that if you actually deign to use in a meeting or business discussion will draw a visceral response from your audience. From a ‘fun’ perspective it is maybe even more fun than farting in the middle of a presentation.

Anyway.

Disruption, or disrupt, is an emotive word often creating a very unsettling image. And it is a topic which typically scares the shit out of most businesses <and business people>. The excuses to ‘not being so disruptive’ are too long to list … and some are quite creative. But suffice it to say … almost every excuse is grounded in fear.

Yeah.

All those “whoa … slow down on that whole disruption talk” people may suggest ‘it is expensive to do something like that’ but they are simply shaping excuses in their heads & mouths because the whole thought of disrupting anything … well … scares the shit out of them.

Now.

To be clear on definitions <and purpose> … the aim of disruption is to frame <or reframe> a business <or a brand> so that the market sees it differently. Well. I could suggest it is actually simply turning around and facing reality.

——-

“At some point you just have to turn around and face your life head on.”

Chris Cleave

—–

What I mean by that is disrupting is most typically simply attacking some conventional thinking and tapping into what people really think <when they actually think about it>. And many times it is really common sense stuff. It is common sense because it is many times rooted in the fact we just get stuck either in ‘that’s the way its done’ … or maybe we have become so numb to the fact we have bolted on crap to the brand <or company> in day to day attempts to keep it relevant that it is almost unfamiliar to what people originally thought of it <we just made it too complex or complicated>.

Please note … this whole disruption thing, while I love it, is not my idea.

Jean Marie Dru, the Chairman of TBWA has been talking about the power of “disruption” since the early 1990s. His book, Disruption: Overturning Conventions and Shaking Up the Marketplace, is a must read for anyone who likes this shit <and it is actually a delightful read for a business book>. Interestingly … even Tom Peters <the ‘in search of excellence’ guy> thought the concept of disruption was topical … even decades ago.

——

“Disrupt or be disrupted. Disrupt or die.

Disruption is the most powerful idea in business today.”

Tom Peters

——

I tend to believe disruption gets a bad rap because it implies wholesale change. Like as in throw out everything and start from scratch. Au contraire. Disrupting is always about leveraging off of something existing. You may turn everything upside down … but you are still using some existing pieces <some existing attitudes & behavior> from which your idea will end up tapping into. I say that to remind everyone that something from nothing equals the same thing as nothing from nothing … uhm … nothing. Smart, or intelligent, disrupting is always about something from something.

——

“If in a company you change nothing, you are sure to fail. If you change everything you are sure to fail as well.

So the art of winning resides in your capacity to draw the fine line between what should be changed and what should not.

Same for a brand. All brands are in transition. You can’t build brands by thinking only in a linear way. You have to think of larger futures for them. And to do that, you have to use your imagination. A larger share of the future very seldom comes from an extrapolation of the present.

And that is what Disruption is all about. Disruption is about discovering new futures.”

=

Jean Marie-Dru

——

Let’s be honest here. New futures sound frickin’ awesome.

Uhm. Here’s the problem. Futures are not guaranteed, are they?

Doh.

Success is getting people to think and act differently. <doh again>

That translates into … yikes … change.

Here is the good news about this whole disruptive change topic. Effective disruptive thinking is not some blind irresponsible thinking. It takes into consideration all the levels of change it effects and addresses them.

—–

“Disruption demands that a company challenges conventional behaviors and finds a new way to act.

If you analyze the behavior of the category in question you will see conventional patterns of activity are apparent on four levels: corporate, marketing, communications and the customer’s point of view. Some of these conventions are invariably good and necessary, while others are not.

The opportunity lies in seeing how a brand can use its strengths to do something less conventional to change its path and accelerate growth.”

=

Matt Shepherd-Smith, CEO, TBWA\London

—–

To be clear. There is truly a difference in disruption and intelligent disruption. Disruption in and of itself … without thought … is meaningless destruction creating chaos. Intelligent disruption leads change from what exists rather than reacting to what exists and … well … creates something new <not chaos>.

Anyway.

Here are few more thoughts by Jean-Marie Dru about brand building and the importance of disruption:

—

– Disruption is creating something dynamic to replace something that has become static.

– I have always believed that a brand has to evolve. It cannot remain motionless. The same, of course, applies to companies.

—

While all those words sound inspiring and thoughtful and … well … what business person WOULDN’T want to do that? Well. Disruption actually is linked to another word which business people tend to really really dislike … destruction. Destruction of the conventional … the comfortable. Conventions train us to do the conventional. And because it is conventional … we tend to not really think about this shit.

Uhm. Yes. Accepted beliefs, where everyone is thinking the same, usually means no one is really thinking. This all translates into destroying some of the accepted beliefs … uhm … which means destroying … well … familiarity.

Yet … within destruction there should be a surge of energy <from people and a business perspective because disruption is actually both strategy and action>.

What do I believe <see: “know”>?

Too much business thinking today is satisfied with maintaining the status quo.

This is doomed thinking. Thinking is at its best when used as a sharp weapon and used to transform business and the way people think <and do things>. Far too much thinking <and the tactics which arise from that thinking> look the same, say the same, and … well … do the same.

All of which simply makes it easier to be ignored.

Worse?

It doesn’t respect people’s intelligence or their sense of <thinking> adventure. Therefore disruption incorporates destructing some of ‘what is.’

Not just for the sake of destruction but rather with the intent to be singular, extraordinary, and even world-changing is inspiring and interesting and adventuresome. Disrupting is done with the intent to stand out from the crowd and get noticed in a way that fundamentally changes perceptions. I imagine I could quite simplistically suggest that great disruptive thinking challenges the prevailing ideas of the present, therefore, disruption sounds difficult, unsettling, painful and fundamentally frightening.

Why would anybody disrupt, and destroy, on purpose?

Well.

Here is the contradiction … you are actually destroying to create.

=

It’s about creation – creating something dynamic to replace something that has become static.

Disruption is about systematically breaking through the barriers that shape and limit standard business approaches. It’s about challenging conventional wisdom and imagining new possibilities. It’s about destroying the assumptions and biases that get in the way of fresh and visionary ideas.

<Jean Marie-Dru>

=

This actually means that the other thing where disruption gets a bad rap is that it is used as a verb … when it is actually a noun when done correctly.

Yup. Because disruption is actually a destination … a vision of what could, and should, be … against which all strategic and marketing decisions are measure. This means that disruptive ideas are simply ways to get to the vision as fast as possible.

This also means that you are taking a stand. A stand for not what is … but what will be. You are changing the rules <and frankly doing so in your favor>.

To be clear.

Disruption is not anarchy <nor chaos>. It is a strategically directed shake-up. It’s a way of thinking. It means taking nothing for granted.

It means being bold and taking some risk.

It means you are actually inventing a future in which you not only want to live … but one in which you can prosper.

Anyone in business worth even half a shit knows that the path to truly winning <and winning big> in business is to create new categories or subcategories rather than engaging in brand preference competition in established categories.

The idea of creating a new category, defining its dimensions and becoming its ‘definer’ <of which everyone else has to measure against> is where true success <financially> resides.

Sure. Many businesses need to engage in brand preference competition to retain their relevance and market position. But that is a defensive strategy. And, trust me, someone is going to go on the offensive at some point.

Anyway.

Disruption simply means ‘to challenge.’ And we all need to remember that disruption creates and is not simply to destroy. That doesn’t mean everything is all rosy if you get it right.

Technological disruption re-defines industries.

Cultural disruption always seems to piss people off.

Why?

Challenging people … and the status quo … can make people angry.

What do I say? Fuck ‘em.

Disruption by challenging the status quo improves culture. Is there conflict? You bet.

Does that conflict lead to a spark of energy? You bet. And from the spark comes improvement.

Look.

We are all disruptors. Just that some of us know it and some of us don’t.

—-

“We are all manufacturers – making good, making trouble or making excuses.”

=

HV Adolt

——-

Ok. Frankly. All that really matters despite all I babbled about <typed> … is you either choose to disrupt … or be disrupted.

“When you do things right, people won’t be sure that you have done anything at all.”

–

God (in Futurama)

===================

So.

This is a business, and Life, lesson from Futurama of all places.

Doing what you are supposed to do, and doing it well, is actually one of the most underappreciated abilities in the world. Mostly because it isn’t noticed. Why the hell wouldn’t someone notice “things going right? <you may ask>.

Well. Most of us just expect things to go well and only notice when it doesn’t. We expect, well, competence.

Anyway. In case you have forgotten … Futurama was one of those random Fox sci-fi based animated shows in the early 2000’s. Typical of that genre <Simpsons & Family Guy> when the writers wrote a good show it was a frickin’ great show, conversely, and when they missed, they really missed <by galaxies in this case>.

Regardless.

I loved the premise behind this series … it follows the adventures of a late 20th-century New York City pizza delivery boy, Philip J. Fry, who, after being unwittingly cryogenically frozen for one thousand years, finds employment at Planet Express, an interplanetary delivery company in the retro-futuristic 31st century.

Anyway.

The quote. Here’s the entire conversation:

the Galaxy God:Bender, being God isn’t easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you, and if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch. Like a safecracker, or a pickpocket.

Bender:Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money!

the Galaxy God:Yes, if you make it look like an electrical thing.

When you do things right, people won’t be sure you’ve done anything at all.

Well. Regardless of whether this thought is delivered from some animated galaxy God or not … this thought is a big thought <which, I imagine, is the reason why they had the god character deliver it>. It is a Life truth. It is truth that many of the really great things in life are easy to miss, really easy to mistake as nothing, and yet they are … well … “right.” Everything is just in its place as if it belonged there all the time <and no one put it there or that way>.

My point? Goodness … heck … greatness … whether we like it or not … is stealthy. Even the big stuff can be quite stealthy. And ponder this. The people most likley to make things right <without anyone noticing> are also the same people who are most likely to offer small acts of kindness <which can be more effective than doing great, drastic actions> that ground the ‘no one really notice good stuff’ with with a true ‘doing things right’ selflessness.

Easy to miss … easy to mistake … when everything is great.

Oh.

The corollary thought to what I just typed is ‘things that are noticed.’

Sometimes if you try and accomplish huge, world changing things … they become engulfed in the spotlight. Yup. In the business of what you do, or are attempting, you gather well intended good supporters, sometimes even large groups of supporters. Unfortunately, even thought this is good stuff with good intentions more often than not you inevitably also gain people along the way who disagree <in some way> and even though a minority — they are loud.

And from that grows conflict.

And doing things right actually becomes debated.

And the debate is often in the nuance.

<note: that is kinda nuts when you think about it>

And the spotlight & the conflict not only bring notice but bring along the inevitable destruction of what is good & right. That, right there, is the argument for & the reason why great shit happens an no one notices. People who want to do great shit knows that being noticed tends to destroy ‘good shit’ and spotlights, in general, draw people who like spotlights and not necessarily doing what is right.

Cynically I could suggest now that what is better to do is perform the small acts … the ones that are unnoticeable by the mainstream public therefore you avoid the conflict.

But. I am not that cynical.

Doing things right isn’t about small … nor large … its just about doing the right things the right way. The kinds of things if you do it right … really right … people will not really be sure that you’ve done anything at all.

Now.

In today’s bombastic world it can actually become a bad thing if no one notices. Why? <insert ‘huh?!?’ also> Because someone else at the exact same time is telling everyone what they did … and yes … unfortunately … often the squeaky wheel does get the grease.

Aw heck. Here is the truth good people know. The value of doing the right thing is never in the credit. And we need to remind ourselves of that more often.

“I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.”

Little things can matter. A subtle touch can create the needed ripples. And you can be the initiator, instigator or implementer … or even all of them … and it doesn’t really matter.

In fact.

How do you know when you not only did the right thing … but did it right?

No one notices.

Well.

How is that for Life & business advice?

Don’t be noticed <but always do the right thing well>.

<Note: I will not be making millions writing that book>

Being good <or God> isn’t easy.

You always have to be ‘doing’ and yet you always have to not be noticed.

Your reward?

Things are done right.

And people believe they did it themselves.

By the way. I will note that is also called “character.”

That said … I could have easily used the infamous character quote … “character is what you do when no one is looking.” But I didn’t. On purpose. Because the Futurama quote is a stronger point about character. It takes it one step further. Character is doing the right thing and not being noticed. You are facilitator for good and what is right. And have the strength, an inner strength, to just do what you do with no recognition … no outside stimulus.

You just do.

Yup.

Don’t be noticed <but always do the right thing well>. People won’t be sure that you have done anything at all.

But who cares? Being good <or doing the right thing> isn’t really about anyone noticing.

I know. I know. But if no one notices then, well, in today’s world I may get screwed. You know what I say? Being good isn’t easy but you sleep well at night.

“I am a strong person. But every once in a while I would like someone to hold my hand and tell me things are going to be OK. “

=

Unknown

——–

Well.

We so often talk about ‘strong people’ as being these pillars of granite … solid and seamless in moments of need or challenge … unflinching in the face of whatever it is they face. But more often strength is not a solid piece of granite. Shit. Many times its not even anything solid. It may be a shield or a shell … or it may be that the person has the ability to put a strong hand forward … and stop what needs to be stopped. But in all these cases … strength is neither a complete solid wall nor does it not have some weakness … or maybe some fragile aspects in which to balance everything.

———

“It is one thing to be brave in front of others, perhaps for fear of being branded a coward and becoming diminished in their eyes, but another entirely to be brave when there is nobody to witness your courage.

The latter is an elemental bravery, a strength of spirit and character.”

=

John Connolly

———-

Oddly … strength is … well … a paradox <or in some sense a contradiction>. It is about setting unequivocal limits … and yet having no limits. It’s about adapting yet unwavering.

So.

Let me discuss this limit thing for a moment.

Emotionally strong people do not really need constant action and excitement … or even a crisis … to define themselves and their lives. This suggests they naturally just put some limits on things. This is not to suggest that they don’t enjoy excitement in their lives … but they aren’t ‘doing’ junkies.

This means their ‘strength’ is usually defined by some self awareness. Awareness with regard to some character type things <which are embodied in actions and behavior decisions>.

Let’s call these our ‘limits’:

– just don’t do some things

Well.

Suffice it to say we all do things that we don’t enjoy doing … but we should never do things that we don’t want to do.

There is a nuance in that … but an important nuance. The strong self aware understand that nuance … and almost always manage to figure out what they need to do … not at the expense of ‘what they don’t want to do.’

This translates into that when it comes to character defining decisions there is always a line. The line isn’t about what you enjoy doing or what you like or dislike … it is about … well … character. And being able to live with yourself and look in the mirror.

– saying “no”

Suffice it to say … if you can’t say “no,” you will get taken advantage of.
I will not suggest you won’t be taken seriously but I will suggest that if you cannot say no you will forever live on the slippery slope of credibility and trust.

Saying “no” reminds people that they cannot control you … only you control you.

– it’s really about plateaus … not limits

Face it.

There are only plateaus, and they are not meant for you to stay there, but only resting places for someplace beyond. Please note I did not say ‘someplace higher.’

“Up” is overrated.

It is more important to move anywhere <mentally, physically, career, Life> than it is to move ‘upwards.’ I’ve always believed in pushing yourself further and taking on new challenges.

I believe this because I tend to believe there is no such thing as that infamous trite cliché ‘being the best you can be.’ “Best” is a relevant thing … at least to the moment. Maybe it is better said that ‘best’ is contextual.

There is always room for growth and change and new possibilities of being the best you can be.

Anyway.

Strength is tricky. It is partially inbred as an attitude … but it is also forged thru the furnace of Life.

—–

“Sometimes you don’t realise your own strength until you come face to face with your greatest weakness”

=

Susan Gale

——-

And maybe that is why strength is never solid. Because strength is often about weakness. The chinks in your armor define your strength … uhm … not your theoretically solid seamless armor.

Which leads me to my final thoughts.

Strength is nothing more than doing what it takes … with character. In order to be strong we will inevitably embrace some different variations of our self. This naturally happens as we encounter knew things and new ‘weaknesses’ we never knew we had.
Within those variations are some aspects of solidness … but other aspects are adaptable and resilient in their ability to morph to the situation.

And, in the end, I imagine strength in a person can be defined one way:

This building’s totally burning down and my, and my heart has slowly dried up.”

=

modest mouse

—

Well.

We all know people who always seem to have drama in their lives. These are the people who always seem to have an endless, and varied, array of crises … one after another … a seemingly endless <created> disaster after disaster … week after week … if not day after day. Unfortunately … I imagine we also know people like this in business.

Driving us crazy having us expend wasted energy chasing after things they are always suggesting are always awry … maybe not a full crisis … but shit that just is not right. Friends are just drama lovers but business people, especially managers, are brutal on effectiveness & morale.

Regardless.

Whether someone makes up a crisis or not … the difficulty, of course, is discerning between real disaster and created disaster.

It is actually with that difficulty <one which any and all of us struggle with> where the core issue resides: discerning how disaster defines you. For if you define yourself <in some aspects> by how you deal with a disaster … and the disaster is not real … well … then is your definition flawed? What I mean by that is:

1. some people are very very good at managing life & business and avoid a shitload of disasters & crises.

They are defined in people’s eyes one way.

2. Some people are very very good at not managing life so that they never avoid disasters and crises.

They are defined in people’s eyes one way.

3. Some people are very very good at simply managing <handling> disasters … as they arise.

They are defined in people’s eyes one way.

I say all that because we can’t simply bunch disasters and people up into one neat bundle. Yet … despite that … .created disaster or real disaster they seem to have something in common. Common? It’s kind of funny … okay interesting … how a disaster or a crisis gets our butts in gear. When faced with a disaster most people … well … make shit happen.

And, in general, we tend to make good shit happen. A disaster seems to <at least … tends to … > bring out the best in us.

Well.

Apparently <per some research> … at least some of us:

The ability to manage your emotions and remain calm under pressure has a direct link to your performance. Research<with like a million people as the base> found that 90% of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control.

Research also clearly shows the havoc stress can have on one’s physical and mental health <such as a Yale study which found that prolonged stress causes degeneration in the area of the brain responsible for self-control>. The tricky thing about stress and the anxiety that comes with it is that it’s an absolutely necessary emotion.

Our brains are wired such that it’s difficult to take action until we feel at least some level of this emotional state. In fact, performance peaks under the heightened activation that comes with moderate levels of stress.

As long as the stress isn’t prolonged, it’s harmless.

Ok.

Regardless … this all means that disasters or crises tends to make shit happen. In fact … it shows us the best we can be <albeit it can also display us at our worst>.

Now. Sometimes our best is enough and sometimes it isn’t … but bring on a disaster or a good crisis and … well … you will find out pretty fast of your best is good enough. That said. Do we really need disasters in life?

<I found this thought in so many writings I almost began to believe it … almost ..>

To be clear … I do not believe that statement is true … but it sure sometimes feels that way watching the news and how many people live their lives and how a shitload of managers conduct themselves in business. However. I do believe disasters drive learning and uncover the real ‘truths.’

In fact … studies show over and over again that we seem to learn new things when disaster strikes and we deal with a crisis. Why? Well. Try this on for size.

–

“Disasters: the mind likes problems because they give you an identity of sorts.”

Eckhard Tolle

–

Eckhardt, the nutjob, also said this:

–

“Disregarding disasters takes the ability to recognize what is false within you.”

Ok. So maybe a disaster can be good because it forces the mind into problem solving mode <kind of like kicking it out of neutral and into a “survival gear”>. Disaster creates stress <insert your thought bubble here: “well … that just stated the obvious”> … uhm … but stress actually improves memory:

=

New research from the University of California, Berkeley, reveals an upside to experiencing moderate levels of stress.

But it also reinforces how important it is to keep stress under control. The study found that the onset of stress entices the brain into growing new cells responsible for improved memory. However, this effect is only seen when stress is intermittent. As soon as the stress continues beyond a few moments into a prolonged state, it suppresses the brain’s ability to develop new cells.

=

But, that said, I imagine the real discussion revolves around what is a real disaster or crisis and what is a created crisis <or what some expert calls – ‘dysfunction-challenge-obstacle within’>.

To be clear. This type of discussion isn’t just about the drama queen/king who walks the high school <or office> hallways … this reaches to the heights of leaders and leadership.

========

For example:

From “Crazy Rhythm” (1997), a memoir by former Nixon White House counsel Leonard Garment

Nixon was much more than ordinarily skilled in the gambler’s arts of patience, nerve, and timing; he was a lover of challenge and the excitement of crisis, an adept, like Houdini, forever surprising skeptics with his ability to escape from the political equivalent of double-barred safes dumped into rivers or burial under six feet of crushing dirt. Nixon—his ambitions lofty, his style lumpen—in the end trumped his enemies. And from this, for all his careful avoidance of reminders of the “Old Nixon” during his final twenty years of disciplined self-rehabilitation, he surely derived his greatest, most savage satisfaction.

Without Watergate, Nixon would likely have finished his term, floundered around as a depressed man in search of a crisis, and died earlier than he did. As it was, he took up the supreme struggle of his political life and fought, won, and wrote about it time and again, until he was finally buried with great public honor.

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Well. This implies that escaping the inevitable changes that are demanded from facing disasters creates an odd dichotomy of attitudes and energy — the clashing of ones who seek to engage their ‘gambling skills’ versus the ones who seek to avoid the inevitable change <not just the outcomes> associated with disasters.

Suffice it to say that most of us do not embrace change. If anything … we go out of our way to avoid it. A normal reaction is to move away from the new and unfamiliar. I say that because disasters force change. They force action.

And typically they force the change in a boundaried existence – limited time and space <so you can’t avoid it>.

Oh.

As for that ‘engage their gambler skill’? We should note that unlike disaster, success is not a good teacher. Whoa. So disaster can be a good teacher <honing some thinking & learning skills> and success isn’t <creates a false sense of skill set>.

That thought may make you rethink buying that next “how do I learn the things of successful businesses/people” book. Why is success such a poor teacher? After success you typically give yourself a pat on your back and celebrate.

Oh. And start to be complacent <complacency is a wonderful strategy for failure or a disaster>.

On the other hand … disaster is good for learning because we start to learn better when things get a little rough. There is no complacency <because you are trying to survive> and we normally make the most important decision after setbacks and failures. The pain or disappointment of failure provides feedback and is an oddly good teacher that will provide us with strong reflective education.

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“Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose.”

Bill Gates

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To be clear … success just doesn’t seduce smart people … it seduces all people.

Now.

To be fair.

I am not aware of anyone who has a 100% success rate in life <… well … I imagine it depends on how you define success>. Success is driven by perspective … and it is actually perspective that makes good disaster managers approach a crisis differently than the majority of us. Say what? Yup. They have a tendency to reframe their perspective.

And that ability is the reason why we like having these types of people around us … because the depth of a disaster is skewed by our perception of events. They know how to actually control perceptions <and therefore manage some attitudes>. Please note … these people do not seek disasters they simply are good in a disaster/crisis.

Anyway.

Any crisis is stressful <good manager around or not>. It’s easy to think that unrealistic deadlines, unforgiving bosses, and out-of-control traffic are the reasons we’re so stressed all the time. They are not … the stress is … well … self inflicted and not externally inflicted. Simplistically … more often than not you can’t control your circumstances but you can control how you respond to them. So before you spend too much time dwelling on something you should take a minute to put the situation in perspective.

If you aren’t sure when you need to do this, try looking for clues that your anxiety may not be proportional to the stressor <the asshole screaming ‘disaster’>. If you <or the screamer> are thinking in broad, sweeping statements such as “everything is going wrong” or “nothing will work out” I would suggest you need to reframe the situation in a little reality.

A great way to correct this unproductive thought pattern is to list the specific things that actually are going wrong or not working out. Most likely you will come up with just some things—not everything—and the scope of these stressors will look much more limited than it initially appeared.

Success seduces you into believing you are better than you are … failure reminds you that you aren’t better than you thought <as long as you don’t constantly blame everyone else for the failure>. Let’s call this in today’s post as “false gambler skill.’ This suggests that many of the self proclaimed ‘good in crisis people’ are the ones who define themselves by the disasters … and have a false sense of success from disasters <no wonder we hate these people in management>.

“Each success only buys an admission ticket to a more difficult problem.”

–

Henry Kissinger

This creates an interesting dynamic to disasters and Life. Because the bottom line for people is we like to win <or have success>. I imagine at some point it can become an addiction <hence this whole thought of creating disasters to solve – leading to create successes>. And this creates a corollary attitude. “I don’t lose.”

The tricky part about disasters is that someone typically loses. And everyone has a right to win <so it’s not like you – the proverbial you – has the corner on winning>.

And that is the sneaky bad side of disasters … they increase the emphasis on trying to win. But at some point you need to remember that it isn’t everything.

There is value in “a loss.” And that, my friends, is extremely difficult when you think of his from a ‘disaster’ perspective where most times you are just doing what you believe you need to do to survive. Yes. There is value in doing your best even if your best doesn’t translate into a win. But … whoa … this is a frickin’ disaster we are talking about <insert some exclamation points here>.

So.

That is common sense.

Uh oh.

But that ignores “personal” <self-esteem, peer/society pressure, societal expectations, etc.>. Because the transition between “I want to win therefore I won’t lose.” To “I lost.” THAT is a humdinger of a personal transition.

Worse?

When winning is familiar <like … you win a lot … often enough that a part of you kind of expects to win>. Winning is addictive. It seduces you on a number of levels. Even the suggestion of “what if I lose?” has become a huge issue in self-help diatribes in that “you need to think like a winner to be a winner.” It is frowned upon to be reflective upon losing.

I say all this because <1> disasters trigger survival instincts in which we tend t overlook “how you win” & associate “lose” with dying, <2> if you live Life managing disasters … ‘losing’ can seem like a disaster in and of itself.

And there begets the victory of soul and character even in losing within a crisis.

Finding victory in a loss within a disaster scenario is all about character. Not being too proud to even think about those things as well as accept loss. To find victory in the attempt is actually the thought. Survival, in & of itslef, can be viewed as a win.

In an odd way. Disasters themselves are seductive. Especially if you successfully navigate them.

Look.

Disaster or non disaster … don’t be seduced by success. Certainly you should celebrate it. Success deserves recognition. But more importantly remember something … in a race of 1000 people only one “wins” in the truest sense but I imagine that another 899 won in another way that made them feel pretty darn good and kept on going <and then there are 100 or so who just cannot accept ‘losing’ and are just plain losers>.

So.

Getting back to the main point of this.

Does this mean we should actually be seeking disaster <with the right mindset>?

Nope.

There is enough adversity in life & business that comes naturally … trust me … disasters <of any and all sizes> will appear at one time or another.

Just remember that most events in life, whether you call them a disaster or not, follow the basic cycle of “problem/situation/disaster – action – result”. I am tempted to call this a Life truth <but someone smarter than I will probably send me a note suggesting some exceptions>.

But suffice it to say that I struggle to find many actions without problems. And results are consequences of actions.

It doesn’t really matter <in this case> if the problems themselves may be imagined or real, because they are what we perceive and act on. Theoretically at no point in time do we seem to run out of problems that require solving. There is a seemingly endless array of things to worry about, things to pursue, things that are stopping us from pursuing … and things we regret <if we elect to regret them>.

Well. If you buy into that thought then that means we continuously engage in some action which is generating some outcome which in turn regenerates some new problem/situation/disaster.

Whew.

That is a painful thought. Maybe I should say … this is exactly how someone who lives, and thrives, on disasters thinks <I am not one … and I can honestly say it is painful putting myself in their shoes just to be able to write this>.

Some people might enjoy problem solving for the sheer enjoyment of it.

Others obsess with results, and their “ends” justify their “means”.

Yet others simply place the highest emphasis on action.

Each of these has its rewards.

Regardless. I tend to believe we just have to accept that Life is a series of disasters <oops … lessons>. Ignore that thought at your own peril … because ignorance is rarely bliss.

Always be conscious about what is happening to you and around you and try and recognize that disasters are simply lessons in the making. And these lessons are inevitably presented to you over and over … until you learn your lessons.

My point on this lesson thing?

You can either take the responsibility to take charge or be a victim of disaster. And there in lies the difference between those who define themselves by disaster and those who accept disasters as part of Life. The former make their disasters more important than the typically are and the latter manage disasters as stepping stones in Life.

Ok.

Let me end on a positive <versus disaster> but related to lessons of disasters.

I read somewhere that pleasure is always derived from something outside you … whereas joy arises from within. I like that thought. And, therefore, in seeking a substitute for joy … the mind will seek salvation or fulfillment through pleasure … or some external stimulation. Therein lies the root of everyone seeking to define themselves through disasters. It is a warped way to find pleasure.

Well.

We can save these people. We can save them if you understand the joy and pleasure equation … and help someone find ‘joy’ <however it may be defined>.

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“There will never be a shortage of disasters, there will always be people who need to be rescued. And there will never ever be enough people to save them all.”

==

Some people need rescuing again and again. And some people drown over a full lifetime.

Life is full of disasters … real and unreal.

I don’t think anyone needs one to be defined as a part of Life … but they are simply part of Life whether you want, or need, them and therefore play a role in who and what you are. Frankly … where disasters truly show their true colors is not in our skills or some skill set you can try and claim … but instead it when we have survived the trial by fire where our real self gets to show itself. That’s where you get to show who you are. This is … well … character

Anyway.

I imagine … as with anything in your life … it is what you make of it. We don’t get defined by disasters but disasters can often define who you will be. Therein lies one of the great paradox in Life. <sigh> And I imagine because it is a paradox some people will enhance the personal drama to create some self worth while others will simply accept the challenge of disasters as … well … something called “Life.”

And because of this obsession … procrastinators, who have always been crucified, are being verbally harpooned day in and day out in books, businesses and everyday life as “time wasters” <which is metaphorically making those people as bad as smokers, litterers and communists or, in general, inferior flawed people>.

Yup.In my eyes procrastinators have a tough life these days.

Employers are getting better at squeezing any ‘time wasting.’

And peer pressure makes any time wasting become the equivalent of having a post-it note super glued to your forehead with lazy/inefficient/nonproductive/etc. <choose one or all> on it <or just a poor employee>.

Even compensation is becoming more short term. Almost 60% of Americans are paid hourly.

And even if management isn’t tracking hours, paying people by the hour, demanding meeting effectiveness by the minute or utilizing time efficiency models to squeeze every productive minute out of you … you are putting pressure on yourself with to-do lists, calendar updates, scheduled sex events with your partner and “family time” <limited to maximize 15 minute increments to insure you get everything done you need to get done>.

We are so obsessed with time and maximizing it … all of it … each and every minute … and we are being pressured <by others or by ourselves> to do so all the with the intent to ‘gain time.’

<side note: this, to me, falls into the same category as ‘giving 110%’ in terms of absurdity … I can’t gain time or ‘free up’ time … I gots 24 hours no matter how I manage it>

Anyway.

We are constantly seeking to maximize moments under the guise of ‘not procrastinating’ or in harsher words … not wasting … our time. Maslow suggested we should seek, and encounter, “peak moments of clarity.” Some nutjob called Eckhart Tolle <who is considered a very smart nutjob in some circles> wrote an entire book expounding on living a life in the ‘now’ (Power of Now) which was slightly absurd. A company I worked at, JWT, even wrote a trend white paper called “Time is the new Currency” <in the early 2000’s I believe>.

This is crazy.

First of all obsessing over anything, let alone time, is not and never will be … healthy. And secondly it will never increase efficiency, nor effectiveness, when all time is said and done. Thirdly, pressure, especially on an ongoing basis, is never a good ingredient in the formula for happiness.

All that said.

I would like to reference an obscure article which can be found in the Academy of Management Journal <Brian Gunia & 3 co-authors of Johns Hopkins> and a book “Wait: the art and science of delay” <Frank Partnoy>.

Let me begin with one of my favorite topics – doing the right thing <ethically>. I found it really interesting that in a series of experiments slowing down actually makes us more ethical <I had to reread this several times because I guess in my own head I would have thought our initial knee jerk reaction to a decision situation would have been us at our most ethical … but I was wrong>. When confronted with a clear choice between right and wrong, people are 5 times more likely to do the right thing if they have time to think about it rather than if they are forced to make a snap decision. In addition they studied businesses and suggest organizations with a ‘fast pulse’ <like banks> are more likely to suffer from ethical problems than those who move more slowly.

Say what?

Yup. Time pressure enhances the odds someone will make a less ethical, less right, decision. Beyond that … the books and research suggest that delaying decisions <not yielding to time pressure> actually enhances the quality of the decision. Sure. There is a ROI on time and delay and decision making … I imagine if I were smart enough I could draw out a decision utility graph with time and quality of decisions but I am not only not smart enough but I cannot draw.

Suffice it to say these relatively smart guys say that in their published papers.

Look.

Maybe because of the business I am in I get asked a lot about family time <or diminishing of family time> and not having enough time to <fill in the blank> or managing time. Beyond the fact I have either seen or have done so much research on how people actually USE their time … I have found that we invest so much time trying to manage time … or worry about how to alleviate the pressure time seems to put on us … we actually waste a shitload of time <which actually creates a doom loop of pressure to use and maximize time>.

There is so much discussion and pressure on what to do with time I see diminishing results. What I man by that is the pressure to maximize time is actually leading to minimizing time <go figure>.

So.

I remind people that we all have the same amount of time … which usually draws some evil looks … but its true … it’s what you elect to do with it and, maybe more importantly, your approach toward time. I tend to believe we forget, or undervalue, the fact that it is less important to do things first then to do things right. And I have someone on my side … Warren Buffett … who has said … “lethargy bordering on sloth remains the cornerstone of our investment style.”

<and he has made a BOATLOAD of money>

Me?

I worry that our obsession with time <speed> has a negative effect in business and at home <basically … in our lives>. The secret to an effective brain is a combination of fast and slow <and there is research to support this>.

Procrastinators get a bad rap … yet this is exactly what they do.

A fact: If you leave something to the last minute you only have a minute to do it.

Sounds obvious but it is a truth.

Procrastinators are actually the ultimate non procrastinators. They utilize their time the most effectively. The research shows that procrastinators actually use the time while putting things on hold thinking and evaluating and assessing different shit. Some relevant shit and some non relevant shit … but it all goes into our mental gourds … rattles around … and when the time comes when the decision/action trigger needs to get pulled … the majority of the time the action is a well rounded ‘right’ decision.

And if that just isn’t you?

Think about this … I found this thought from a mother … or maybe call her a ‘home manager’ instead.

“When you don’t know what to do next, just do the thing in front of you.”

Ok.

If you can live with that kind of thinking I actually believe that not only alleviates pressure <because you just say ‘screw it … I am just doing something’> and you are actually ‘doing’ inseatd of planning or thinking or worrying.

Ok <part 2>.

But I admit it certainly helps if you have more of an idea of what’s the most important thing to do next. Because these days it seems like too many of us respond to the tyranny of the urgent. One of the characteristics of an adult who has their shit together is the ability to recognize the difference between the important and the urgent. And, ultimately, refuse to be tyrannized by the urgent … refuse to manage by crisis … refuse to waste time under the pressure to not use time wisely. Sure. Easier said than done.

Who hasn’t struggled to start something ‘important’ but can’t seem to find the time because of an exploding diaper, an urgent business email, the ringing telephone, or whatever the crisis du jour may be in your own little world?

But as time managers we must recognize the difference … and disregard not only the pressure of others … but the pressure of the moment. We cannot operate solely in response to the pressure of urgency for long … or we will go nuts.

Well.

Time is not about pressure … it is simply about choices <which I fully recognize creates a different type of pressure>.

And choosing what is most important.

When we’ve made deliberate decisions about what’s important certain choices become a no-brainer. You’re at peace with the choices you make, because they align with your priorities, and they just make sense.

Regardless.

If time is about choices … and under pressure we tend to make poorer choices … it kind of seems like that equates to something like, well, pressure loses time.