A friend said something recently that I found to be profound and that assisted me to open a point within myself. She said that abdicating responsibility for oneself is the same as not having the will to live, because real Living, becoming life, living, is only possible when one takes responsibility for oneself. Abdicating responsibility [...]

The past week my partner and I have been busy clearing out space on his mother’s farm, going through layers upon layers of furniture, bookkeeping papers, books, clothes and old love letters. There were things in that house going back 7 generations, all the way back to old farming equipment and maps of the land [...]

In the last two posts I’ve investigated two ‘extremes’, radical self-unschooling on one hand and the word ‘must’ on the other. Now – these two can represent polarized extremes where one is a total abnegation of rules and the other is an enforcement of rules, but they can also be redefined as commonsensical self-expressions lived [...]

Since writing the last post on radical self-unschooling I have been looking at the point of ‘having to’ do things and how I have reacted to that, something that I’ve also previously written about. My partner and I have discussed the words ‘must’ and ‘have to’ over the last few weeks, specifically in looking at [...]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame myself for what I perceive as me being fat and ugly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for what I perceive as me having allowed myself to become fat and ugly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive myself as fat and ugly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define myself as a body image from which I look at myself “from the outside” as though I am looking “in” on myself as in a mirror or on a picture, thus in fact not seeing or looking here or seeing or looking at what is real, because what is real is the physical that is not an image

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, see, define and perceive that it is me who is fat and ugly within defining myself according to a body-image that only exist within and as the reflection I mirror myself in, in and through the mind based on the acceptance of and the submission of myself to competitive beauty systems where only a photo shopped, slim, tanned body can be “real” and “perfect” and where all other bodies and body-forms are “wrong” and “flawed”

I forgive myself that I, within defining and accepting myself as fat and ugly, have accepted and allowed myself to believe, define, see and perceive myself as a “second class citizen”, as “worth-less” because I do not fit into the mold of the photo-shopped woman in the picture that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe is real and the only real way to be worthy and perfect, not seeing, realizing or accepting the reality, worth or perfection of me here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge, accept, perceive and define “fat people” as second class citizens that do not have a right to happiness, fulfillment, money, enjoyment, sex or worth simply because they are fat and as such when I got fat have consequently placed myself into the same category believing and accepting that I do not have a right to accept myself or worth myself, simply because I am fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, define, judge, experience and accept the word ‘fat’ as inferior, less-than (ironically), shameful, disgusting, low-life within and as spite and because I have fat on myself human physical body that I myself have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate, define, experience, see and accept myself as inferior, less-than, shameful, disgusting and low-life and within that deliberately spite myself in judging myself for being fat

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to release the word ‘fat’ from my hold on it through, within and as the ego, from where I have allowed myself to brutally judge, spite and perceive ‘fat’ as ‘flawed’, ‘shameful’ and ‘wrong’ and that the people who are fat are rightfully to be pushed down and feel ashamed of themselves and accept their place as lesser beings, within the judgment of them as “weak” and “disgusting” and thus because I define and accept myself as “fat”, equally believe and accept myself as “weak” and disgusting and a “lesser being”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself see or realize that fat on a human physical body is a manifestation of consequence as the acceptance of who and what self has allowed self to be and become in and as self-suppression as holding onto layer upon layer of information that self has not allowed self to release and within the addiction to self-abuse through self-pity and self-hate as overeating in and as greed and self-spite – not seeing that fat is not an energetic or personal manifestation, but in fact the accumulation of my abuse against myself – and thus in fact wanting to not be fat without actually investigating myself as fatness, is avoiding and abdicating self-responsibility and in fact continuing to abuse myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about looking down at and spiting fat people and as such feel good about looking down at and spiting myself – justifying this in self-righteousness in the self-deceptive belief that not being fat mean that one is superior and better-than those that are fat and as such feel good because I feel better about myself when I judge fat people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and angry and depressed when I see myself in the mirror and immediately judge myself and feel disgusted by what I see, believing that what I see through my judging eyes of the mind, is in fact what is real and what I really am – ugly, fat, old and disgusting and a loser

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience myself ashamed within exposing and revealing how I actually see and experience myself, because I have feared exposing and revealing this, believing that if I kept it secret, it would not be real and others might not see me as fat, disgusting, old and a loser – when in fact it was myself I was hiding from, within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, see, define, judge, accept and experience fact people as sloths that don’t deserve to live or exist or be happy and to feel violated when I see a fat person expressing themselves or accepting themselves, wanting them to accept themselves as inferior and less than – exactly as I as a fat person, accept myself as inferior and less than those who are not fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed and preoccupied with being and becoming skinny and beautiful and within that constantly think about being skinny and beautiful and compare myself to those I see, define, perceive, judge and accept as more than me because they are skinny

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, desire and perceive that I need to and must become skinny and beautiful to be of any worth in this world and to believe that I must do anything to achieve this as a goal of being a woman – as an ultimate goal of being a woman, yet within not having been willing to face the origin of why I have allowed myself to become fat, have continued to gain weight within being simply obsessed with “weight”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to myself and everyone around me that I do in fact accept myself and that I don’t care about my weight or my looks, when in fact it is all I think about, all the time, all day long, torturing myself with thoughts about how ugly and disgusting I look within focusing in my mind, and through the mind with my physical eyes, examining, judging and measuring every part of my body finding it all flawed, disgusting and ugly – not realizing what I am in fact allowing myself to do to myself – diminishing, spiting, bullying, brutalizing and abusing myself in the justification of self-righteousness as the brutality of the competition of the system, wherein and from I tell myself over and over again, that as long as I am fat, I am simply not good enough, not worthy of existing, not worthy of being loved, not allowed to enjoy myself in having sex and that I should continue abusing myself because that is all I am worth – resulting in me actually abusing myself through over-eating and as such completing the vicious cycle of self-abuse where I am the mouth that bites the hand that feeds me that is myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that being fat – as the physical manifestation of the accumulation of consequence, is not about looks and how looks are valued in the world system based on competition , where there can only be winners and losers and that being fat is in fact about me having allowed myself to abuse myself, through punishing myself within and as the mind, refusing to let go of the past, holding myself on lock-down and locked-in inside the layers of the human physical body, in and through which I have patted myself with fat as information upon information layers as who I am

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize, understand or admit, that while I have been preoccupying myself with self-judgment and desire for beauty, money, power and success – as being a winner in this world, I have allowed myself to exist in complete and total self-abuse in and as a lock-down of suppression within and as my human physical body a myself – as what is real – in consuming everything in fear of losing myself and as such in greed and fear of not having enough, resulting in the layering of fat around the body with the consequence of harming myself in ways I have not even begun to understand or experience in full awareness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that only by keeping all physical experiences down, suppressed, controlled, enslaved, defeated, would I be able to survive and succeed as such in this world, thus never having allowed myself to get to know or experience myself within and as the physical body, even though that was and has been my deepest and most real desire – to get to know and express myself and explore myself here as life in self-enjoyment, unconditionally and innocently in interaction with myself as life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see or realize that how I have allowed myself to exist within and as a separate part in and as this human physical body as an entity located in the head, has been in absolute and total terror, torture and self-abuse, where I, with every breath I have taken – yes taken – and never given or embraced within and as me, have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself down, diminish and suppress myself because I feared facing the reality of me as the physical – not only the human physical body – but the physical as the total manifestation of what is here and thus face what I have accepted and allowed and as such justify for myself that it is better and easier to remain in fear, suppression and self-diminishment, to always keep the truth about myself – the truth that I am walking and living with and within every day – under control

I forgive myself that I have never ever allowed myself to face the truth about myself – the truth that is existing HERE evident as this human physical body and how I have tortured myself to fit and mold myself into an image of control and power – never seeing or realizing that everything and all I have been doing is enslaving myself to a delusion – a cruel and unnecessary delusion – that I at any point could have stopped, but in my acceptance of the delusion as myself, feared losing myself if I, as the first one admitted that it was not real – not realizing the absolute absurdity of my claim over life as the enslavement of myself into the confinements of consciousness – only and merely to not lose face or image, to the other parts of myself that I have separated myself from, into and as – not realizing that those parts are myself and that if no-one of us budges we will keep existing in the delusion that we are flawed and lacking and thus must abuse each other to fill ourselves up – when in fact, all parts are me and I am all parts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing my partner my naked body and to do all and anything to hide it, in the delusional and deceptive belief that I can hide how I perceive myself to look like as fat and ugly from my partner and that if I am lucky he will not notice how I look, if I tug there and suck in here and place my body like this or cover it up like that – when in fact is that I cannot hide my body or how I look and that the person I have been wanting to hide from, was in fact myself and my own self-image of and as myself as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I am in fact fat and ugly and disgusting and a loser because that is who and how and what I have accepted myself as and as long I accept and allow myself to bow down to the system of competition that exist within and as brutality and absolute evil in and as spitefulness – which is in fact is my own creation – I will never be anything else but fat and ugly and a loser – because that is my prerogative and responsibility as a creator, to decide who and what I will accept myself as and what now – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept everyone else that can possibly or in any way have the same or similar experience as me, to hate themselves, despise themselves, accept themselves as less than – because of my acceptance and allowance of my submission to the system of competition and consumerism through and in which the beauty system exists

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I, within the acceptance of myself as fat, ugly, disgusting, a loser – have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as self-spite, absolute brutal self-abuse and deception and as such have accepted everyone else who are fat or ugly in the eyes of the system and everyone in fact, to accept themselves the exact same way – because the world exist as a direct reflection and consequence of my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed and disgusted every time I feel my stomach against my pants or shirt reminding me of how fat I am or when I feel the skin wobbling on my legs reminding me of how fat I am – not realizing that fat is merely fat as a particular manifestation of form as the consequence of who and how I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as and that the problem of fatness is NOT how I look – but who and what I have accepted myself as, in and as self-abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let every girl and woman in the world hate their human physical bodies and torture their human physical bodies in all and every way possible to fit into an impossible ideal of delusion of perfection based on the pushing of photo-shopped images, that we, through consumerism have accepted as real and possible in our collective self-delusion and self-abusive reality that we have forced in and onto the physical as our human physical bodies and this earth through within and as our complete and total abdication to and as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize and see the extent to and within which I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself through my participation in, submission to and acceptance of the system of competition in which there can only be winners and losers and according to the rules of beauty that I have directly accepted as real, valid and valuable – I can only be a loser, because I am not skinny or young or beautiful in the way the competition system of beauty measures it – according to my very own decreed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience sadness within seeing what I have accepted and allowed and in experiencing that this point is so extensively integrated into my acceptance of myself, that I don’t know what to do to stop and purify myself and bring myself back to an innocent, unconditional acceptance of myself – instead of allowing myself to see and realize that this is in fact what I am doing here and that I have suppressed and hid this point so extensively from myself and refused to look at it and myself within and as it and a such that this is why I am experiencing that I am opening a can of worms that are exploding in my face – and not allowing myself to go into and as an emotional reaction and instead PUSH all the way through, not allowing myself to be moved or influenced by facing myself in self-honesty and actually allow myself to see and face myself in absolute brutal self-honesty in seeing that I AM IN FACT purifying myself here and that it will take however long it takes – and that I WILL WALK THROUGH IT NO MATTER WHAT – because what the fuck else is it that we are doing here? What is the alternative? That I keep accepting and allowing myself to continue this self-abuse and as such allowing it equally in everyone else. That is NOT Acceptable in any way what so ever

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize or admit to myself the extensive and total self-abuse that I have done onto myself as the physical body – through suppressing myself, through accepting myself as addicted to energy, through judging, hating and despising myself, through being greedy within fear of losing, feeling sorry for myself and punishing myself through forcing myself to over-eat – with the consequence that I am in fact in every moment killing myself, torturing myself and hurting myself that I accept and allow myself to continue participating

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize and admit to myself in self-honesty what I, in my participation in and acceptance of myself in and as my participation in thoughts am in fact doing to myself as the physical, even though I live with the consequences every single day as pain and overweight and rapid deterioration of the physical as myself

And as such, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately refuse and deny myself to see what I am accepting and allowing in every moment I accept and allow myself to participate within and as and from the mind and what I am in fact doing to myself as the physical – when in fact I am completely and 100 % aware of what I am doing and I simply don’t care because I have diluted myself into the belief that I cannot live without the mind, without energy, without emotions or feelings, without indulging myself in food and sweets

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince and deceive myself into believing that the most important thing in the world is for me to lose my weight so that I can be skinny and beautiful and be a winner and so that I no longer have to despise and hate myself because I am a loser because that is the rules and paradigm that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the point of weight and overweight and losing weight overshadow all and everything else and not care about anything or anyone else than me losing weight – totally and completely disregarding what is here and why we are here and what we are doing here in terms of creating a world that is best for all – which is the only relevant point that matters while in fact my preoccupation with beauty and looks and weight is detrimental to what is best for all and as such totally and completely unacceptable – not to mention the fact that it is based on something that is not real, real life, real value or real in anyway what so ever

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that the cause and effect of me being fat, is not that I am worth-less as a human being or a loser in fact, but that I have abused myself and that this is what is evident and visible in and on my human physical body and by defining myself according to beauty as worth, I have completely disregarded what I have actually accepted and allowed and who and what I am in fact here as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a right to abuse myself in and as the physical through over-eating, doing drugs, over-sleeping, over-drinking because I believe that that is my prerogative within and as believing that I have free-will and choice to do with myself as life whatever the fuck I want – not allowing myself to see or admit to myself in self-honesty that what I have been doing with my free-choice and will is to enslave myself to a delusional reality in which I have in no way lived what is best for all and only lived according to my delusional idea of satisfaction based on the fear of losing myself in and as separation of and from myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to accept the fact that I, as the human physical body I live within and as, am in fact fat and that this has nothing to do with my worth as life, but with my acceptance and allowance as worth-less and of my abuse and disregard of myself that stands as the evidence for all the world to see, how much I have hated myself and despised myself and what I have done to myself for no reason at all as well as to everyone else, because of my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to honor myself as the human physical body, fat or not fat simply by the fact that I am here as life and as such honor myself as what is best for all, through changing myself into and as an effective physical form, in and through which I can support myself to live an effective life and support what is best for all

I commit myself to honor myself in and as this human physical body and to transform myself into and as a physical form that lives and stands within the principle of what is best for all in all ways

I commit myself to make a plan for my entire physical body, as individual forms that each requires absolute care and consideration as to what is best for each form to live and function in a way that is best for all

I commit myself to stop all reactions to my own reflection in my minds judging eyes and in the judgment of the mind that I have superimposed onto my human physical body when I see my own reflection in a mirror on in a window

I commit myself to eat only that food which is of support of my human physical body and to honor myself through the giving of nourishment to myself through the grace of food and I commit myself to eat in gratefulness – and not in greed based on fear of losing myself

I commit myself to stop seeing myself as a image within, from and as the mind, in and as separation of and from myself as a projection of reality that is not in any way real – and to support myself to be and live here in and as the physical and in and through self-intimacy get to know myself as the physical

I commit myself to stop all self-abuse through participating in energetic reactions as emotions and feelings and self-judgment and desire through thoughts and indulgence and being hard on myself in physical actions and I commit myself to stop judging myself for being fat and to stand by the consequence of my acceptances and allowances as the manifestation of myself as this human physical body and to support myself to bring myself to living in and as absolute self-support as what is best for all as myself as the human physical body

I commit myself to stand by and support human beings that have accepted and allowed themselves to live and exist as I have in and as self-abuse of the human physical body – to stop and stand up in and as self-respect, dignity, integrity and honor of themselves as life

I commit myself to expose the beauty system and its brutality and how we have collectively accepted and allowed ourselves to submit ourselves to a lie and a deception based on consumerism in and through which we are diminishing ourselves in valuing only beauty and fitting into and as a certain specific, yet completely unattainable and delusional body-form that has nothing to do with what is best for all in any way what so ever and that only serves to feed the system with consumers and energy within and as competition between winners and losers where everyone always loses because there is no such thing as winning

I commit myself to support all women in supporting and accepting themselves to stand up as life as what is best for all to accept themselves in and as the physical as life, as I walk the process of standing up and accepting myself in and as the physical as life

“Weightloss – throughout existence we’ve accumulated the burdens of our acceptances and allowances of separation that has become a weight within/as our very beingness as we have always known what we have done, but did not stand up and as we continue facing the consequences – the weight as burdens has piled on – weightloss is the attempt of self to direct the release of the burdens of our existence onto/towards the physical, where we abuse the physical to pay for what we’ve accepted and allowed as we try and ‘lose the burdens/weight’ of/as our beingness within/as the physical – when the actual reality is not seen/realised: we must release the weight/burden as ourselves/our beingness as what we’ve become as consequence as the mind, and weightloss towards the physical is not going to solve the consequence of burdens we have to face as our beingness, because to lose the weight of burdens – is a process of writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application.” – Sunette Destonian Spies

“Diet – dye-it, the tendency of the human-being to veil the reality of the physical with a distracted illusion, where diets have become imbued/dyed with mind illusions and the practical physical reality of the individual’s human physical body is not considered/regarded – equal-to and one with how the entire mind dye reality with illusion, and what experience/face the consequence is ourselvs in the physical that we’re dependent on. When we’re in fact dependent on the physical to exist and not the mind. Thus – redefinition of dye-it/diet – remove the dye/veil as illusion of the mind and get to know your human physical body as how you exist/express within it in the physical, and accordingly in that equal and one relationship of getting to know your body as you – nurture it as you would nuruture yourself as the body – both within the context of what you mentally and physical.” – Sunette Destonian Spies

“Bodyshape – lol; when human beings see the word bodyshape – BODYshape is how it’s read, and attempt/try to shape the body according-to how the mind has shaped reality, and thus what exist within BODYshape is MINDshaped – where the mind takes IMAGES/PICTURES and attempt/try to shape it with/as actual physical reality that is not a Picture/Image but an actual physical existence/reality that is constantly/continuously in motion/movement according to our beingness/mind as how we express through/with/as the physical. And thus, Bodyshape has become Mindshaped and what experience the consequence is the being in/as/with the body – because the mind try shape the body according to a picture/image, like trying to stop time in the physical for the image/picture to manifest when the physical is constantly changing/in movement. Thus, the process should be SELFshaping – assisting and supporting self to shape self up into/as Life/Living, and realise that it’s bodySHAPE – simply the shape the body is in according to self’s relationship with self and the physical, and to align self with the physical in shaping self and the body into/as equality and oneness – this is the shape that should be regarded.” – Sunette Destonian Spies

5 thoughts on “The “Fat and Ugly” Truth of Me: DAY 18”

Yes – we have accepted that the goal of a woman in Life is to become beautiful and skinny – and that we fail if we cannot do this – such bullshit we force ourselves to believe is valuable. Thanks for sharing this Anna.

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[...] December 4, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life This is DAY 20 of my 21 days of bringing myself back to breath. In the next and the last post in this series I’ll do a sum-up of how these past 21 days have went. But in this post I will be walking a point that has come up today. For context of what I will be walking here, this post is relevant: The “Fat and Ugly” Truth of Me: DAY 18 [...]