Monthly Archives: July 2003

Hours after Saddam’s two sons Uday and Qusay were killed in an assault by coalition forces on their compound, ABC announced the cancellation of their proposed sitcom deal. The sitcom deal inked last year before the US led invasion of Iraq would have produced 13 half hour episodes of a sitcom tentatively titled ‘Uday and Qusay’ to air on Wednesday nights at 8:30 between George Lopez and the Drew Carey show.

ABC which came under fire from conservative groups for sticking to the deal even during the invasion of Iraq is now coming under fire from liberal organizations for the sitcom cancellation.

“The Bush administration supposedly claims that Uday and Qusay are dead but this is the same administration that claimed that Saddam was a threat and that he played a major role in the assassination of JFK. Does anyone still believe anything that this warmongering cowboy administration claims.” Actor and political activist Tim Robbins stated in a press release. “As a fellow entertainer who’s been targeted for my views, I oppose ABC bowing to the fascist dictates of the right wing and cancelling ‘Uday and Qusay’ before I’ve personally inspected their bodies to be sure they’re dead.”

While no one has actually seen the pilot for the series ‘Uday and Qusay’ a report on AICN claimed that it featured such hilarious situations as Uday and Qusay both deciding they wanted to rape the same woman and settling it with a Molotov Cocktail tossing contest only to be surprised by Saddam’s sudden return home from gassing Kurds to find the bunker on fire. However despite extremely negative audience reactions ABC had decided to go ahead with the sitcom with support from civil rights groups such as the ACLU which has come out criticizing the ABC decision.

“First the Dixie Chicks had their record albums burned and then Tim Robbins was bumped and then Janeanne Garafalo’s sitcom was pulled and now Uday and Qusay have also been targeted by another media monolith marching in line with the Bush administration,” ACLU spokeswoman Kathryn Freid said at a press conference announced to protest the cancellation. “Have we suddenly woken up in Nazi Germany where anyone whose views are unacceptable can be deprived of lucrative sitcom deals afforded to them by the Constitution?”

ABC in turn responded with a written statement defending their actions.

“ABC supports the creative freedom of all entertainment professionals regardless of their political views. As Uday and Qusay’s production company ‘Homicidal Psychotics Entertainment’ is aware ABC has been a big booster of the proposed series throughout a variety of controversial events including the time Uday tortured and ate three ABC network pages at the annual fall preview and then claimed diplomatic immunity.

“Nevertheless the deaths of Uday and Qusay make it impossible for this series to continue production as its lead protagonists have been burned to death and are currently employed as rotting corpses at Baghdad International Airport. We at ABC however will continue to be open to working with both Uday and Qusay on any future projects should their situation change in any way.

“Furthermore we at ABC will continue developing controversial programming such as “Kim Il Jong’s Happy Funtime Torture Hour’, ‘Secrets of National Security Broadcast To The Enemy’, ‘Bill Maher and Osama’s Profiles of Al Queda’s Courage’ and our children’s educational program ‘Flagburning for Preschoolers.’

MINAS TIRITH (Gondor News Network) – Thousands of peace activists took to the streets of Minas Tirith and other cities of Middle Earth today to protest what they termed a rush to war with Mordor.

“We need more time for diplomacy,” said a key member of the Middle-Earth Security Council, Saruman the White. “I am not convinced by the evidence presented by my esteemed colleague, Gandalf the Grey, or that the Dark Lord Sauron presents an imminent danger to the peoples of the West.”

Many of the people protesting war in Mordor agreed with Saruman’s remarks. “Sauron says he’s destroyed his Rings of Mass Destruction (RMD) and that’s good enough for me,” said one fellow carrying a sign that said “Elrond is a Balrog.” Another demonstrator urged, “Give the RMD inspectors more time. There’s no reason to rush to any judgment just because Mount Doom is belching lava, the Dark Tower is rebuilt, and Osgiliath has been decimated.” A third protester piped up, “I haven’t heard a single bit of convincing evidence connecting the Nazgul with Sauron. I think they destroyed Osgiliath on their own initiative without any support from Sauron. Besides, it’s understandable they’re angry with Gondor. We haven’t done nearly as much for the Orcs and Goblins and Easterlings as the Nazgul and Sauron have. It’s understandable if they throw their support to them. It’s our own fault really.”

As the protesters continued their march through the city, they chanted, “No blood for Mount Doom,” voicing a common sentiment that the leaders of the Western peoples are really seeking to get their hands on the powerful Mount Doom, where the One Ring of Power was allegedly forged.

Gandalf the Grey was unavailable for comment. A spokesman said he was in an undisclosed underground location, which sources have revealed is codenamed: Moria.

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Why We Must Avoid War with Mordor
Grima Wormtongue

New Gondor Times Opinion Editorial [op-ed]

There are many in Gondor who would counsel war with Mordor, pickers of bones, meddlers in other men’s sorrows, carrion-fowl that grow fat on war. While wizards and enchanters like that Stormcrow Gandalf and the Sorceress of the Golden Wood conspire to stage a power struggle with the rightful Lord of the Rings, they intend to use us as cannon fodder in their schemes to gain control of the One Ring of Power for themselves.

While none would deny that Sauron has committed evil acts, there was a time when Numenor took counsel with Morgoth. One must ask why was it acceptable for the wise to listen to the counsel of Morgoth who it seems was not a threat, yet they claim that Sauron must be eradicated. There are other dark forces in the Middle Earth today. Are we to pursue each and every dark power which wishes to rule Middle Earth and enslave all men and elves? If we did, we would be constantly enmeshed in fighting such wars. Furthermore Sauron’s greatest atrocities are long behind him and he is even a force for stability in the region.

If Sauron is to be toppled, the result would be chaos as armies of Orcs, Wargs and Trolls would wage war on each other. Even now there have been reported clashes between Orc groups and this situation would only deteriorate further without Sauron to maintain order. If Sauron is gone, we would be obligated to keep that order ourselves, an enterprise which would tie up tens of thousands of troops and deplete our treasuries.

Even if we were to undertake such rash actions, we must also consider the Easterling and Haradrim street which would undoubtedly be outraged by the slaughter of tens of thousands of Orcs and might well choose to believe that this is a war against all those who allied themselves with Mordor. Thus a conflict with Mordor could spill over until we find ourselves fighting numerous wars on numerous fronts. Gondor is a great power but even Gondor cannot defeat all of Middle Earth.

It thus becomes quite clear that we cannot allow the schemes of Wizards contending for power to pull us into a conflict which can be avoided if we instead choose the way of peace. But where wise men like Saruman counsel peace, Gandalf Stormcrow calls for war bringing ill wherever he goes. It is hoped that Denethor and my lord Theoden will listen to the voices of the vast majority of the Men of Gondor and avoid a war that will bring untold horrors with it.

: Grima Wormtongue was a key adviser to Theoden son of Thengel and is currently residing in Orthanc.