Three ways to celebrate International Women’s Day like the modern femme-identified clownfish you truly are

International Women’s Day has been around for a long time. But back in the early 1900s, “National Woman’s Day” or simply “Women’s Day,” as it was then called, was actually political! Bo-ring. Originally established by socialist groups, IWD was a strategy used to demand women be granted the right to vote and hold office. Today, women vote all the time and love offices, so, naturally, IWD has had to join the 21st century along with these modern ladies. Many of you are probably at a loss as to how to celebrate this day in the most hip and current way possible, without falling into the old-fashioned trap of focusing too much on your uterus (yuck!). Here are some ideas:

1) Love yourself.

I mean literally! It may surprise you to learn that, in a time wherein attention-seeking, self-obsessed, fragile little babies who literally die any time their feelings, opinions, sexual proclivities, and tweets aren’t validated rule politics, pop culture, and social media, “autosexuality” is a thing. That’s right! Rather than spending time building rewarding and meaningful relationships with other people, you can actually just masturbate to yourself.

One Medium user named Ghia Vitale — a “poet, relationship anarchist, polyamorous witch, and feminist punk” (wouldn’t you just die to be that interesting?) — explains, “I don’t just love myself. I’m in love with myself.” She first discovered her very special and unique sexual identity when she stepped out of the shower and found herself “very attracted to the sight.” Once she found yet another term to describe how much more interesting and unique she is than you — “relationship anarchy” — Ghia was off to the races! “Relationship anarchy” means you are allowed to have relationships with all sorts of people. Other people call this “having friends an also sometimes having intimate partners,” but those people are prudes.

When you’re an autosexual, regular activities like buying a coffee or sitting on the couch become sexy dates! To clarify, being an autosexual doesn’t mean you are only attracted to yourself and don’t date other people, it just means you’ve found a way to turn your narcissism into a sexual identity that qualifies you as an oppressed minority who needs special validation and attention.

I hope that one day autosexuals will win the right to vote and go to offices, but until then, we must use IWD as an opportunity to fight for them!

2) Celebrate your femmeness.

You might identify as a woman, but I hope not. Unless they are men, women are very dull! A fun (and, again, sexy) way to spice things up is to identify not as a “woman,” but as a “femme.” The dictionary defines femme as “a woman,” but the dictionary hasn’t taken a gender studies class and is therefore pretty unreliable. To help me understand, I sought out the feminist bible, Bustle, which offered a much more elaborate explanation. The author, Gina Tonic (why my parents didn’t name me Meghan Prosecco I will never know), rightly acknowledges that “many folks outside of the queer scene don’t fully understand what femme means or recognize its distinct differences from feminine.” Gina puts it in plain language:

“To put it simply, “femme” is a descriptor for a queer person who presents and acts in a traditionally feminine manner, as explained by feminist media site Autostraddle. This might be a cis pillow princess, like myself, an asexual trans woman, or a gay non-binary individual, but all femmes hit upon two key aesthetic and identity-related traits: Being feminine and falling somewhere on the LGBTQ spectrum.”

Ok, I get it now. It means “feminine,” but not feminine like feminine. Special feminine. The kind that you get when you are feminine but also have a personality and maybe a haircut. You probably wear some clothes.

Femmes have it harder than women because unlike regular women, they have personalities and favorite colours. Celebrate your local femme this IWD! If you don’t, you’re probably racist or at least guilty of a hate crime.

3) Celebrate a man instead!

We’ve already established that women have the right to vote and have offices. So what’s next? I bet you forgot all about men! They need rights too. This IWD, why not celebrate the brave men who’ve realized they are much better at sports than women are and should probably take advantage of that. I mean, just imagine being a very mediocre male athlete who can’t win races against other men. That would feel very sad!

Luckily, we live in the future now, and humans have become actual clownfish! Who could have predicted such a turn of events! Like the modern human, male clownfish turn into female clownfish if necessary. In the case of clownfish, this is for reproductive purposes, but humans have evolved past reproduction, so we just do it to win powerlifting competitions.

Someday I hope to see clownfish at the polling booth and inside an office, but until that day comes, why not spend this year’s IWD celebrating the stunning and brave men who, as it turns out, are much stronger and faster than women after all.

Founder & Editor

Meghan Murphy is a freelance writer and journalist. She has been podcasting and writing about feminism since 2010 and has published work in numerous national and international publications, including New Statesman, Vice, Al Jazeera, The Globe and Mail, I-D, Truthdig, and more. Meghan completed a Masters degree in the department of Gender, Sexuality and Women’s Studies at Simon Fraser University in 2012 and lives in Vancouver, B.C. with her dog.