The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly: Your Brunch Crew Deconstructed

Everyone has a brunch crew. You have one. I have one. The guy sitting next to you on the train has one. The brunch crew is comprised of fringe friends and close friends alike. They all have a place at the table, and all are necessary. But everyone has good and bad in their brunch crew. Some don’t drink enough, some drink too much, and I’ll get into all of them in a minute. Brunch is a rarity for me nowadays because, as a 25-year-old, I feel as though I might as well be a card-carrying member of the AARP. But that is beside the point. I still get out from time to time, and here is my list of the good, the bad, and the ugly of your brunch crew.

The Good

The Enabler

This is the guy in your crew who sends out a mass text around 10:00 a.m. on Saturday morning. He is always in the mood to do something, and sometimes you wonder how exactly he gets this energy. It’s more than likely an Adderall prescription, but that runny nose he always has sometimes makes you think he just does a bunch of cocaine. He’s always the one who plans your group outings and was most definitely out later than anyone else the night prior. You need this guy in your group. They’re the only reason you’re getting brunch in the first place, because let’s be honest-you know you’re not about to call any restaurants hungover on a Saturday morning and see if there are tables available for a group of twelve people. Give The Enabler a hug next time you go to a brunch that they organized. He deserves it. And maybe ask if you can bum an Adderall.

The Drinker

This is your friend who might have a little bit of drinking problem. We all have them, and they tend to be the person in the group who jumps at any and all opportunities to go out. The last thing I am trying to do right now is be judgmental. All I’m saying is that “The Drinker” sometimes indulges a little bit more than the average person. You know exactly who I am talking about, too.

It’s the guy who is asking the waitress for another beer five minutes after everyone got their first drink because he decided he’d chug his Miller Lite as soon as you were seated. He then proceeds to order two beers the second time around because “the second one is an anticipatory beer.” This guy is fun, he’s high energy, and he’s going to be the one who sets the pace for the day. Try and go beer for beer with him at your own peril. Yes, The Drinker can get annoying, but he’s always good for a laugh and he keeps people in high spirits.

The Girls

To have a good brunch crew you need girls. They can be platonic friends or they can be girls who you are actively trying to bang. It doesn’t matter. You just need people of the opposite sex at your table to start the brunch off. The reason for this is quite simple, actually- by the time brunch ends on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon, “The Drinker” and “The Enabler” will no doubt try to parlay the early afternoon drinking into something else. Girls in your group will know other girls. This only helps in your quest to get laid. Be nice to these girls even if you are not trying to hook up with one of them. You need them like you need air to breath.

The Bad

The Couple

Do I even have to explain why inviting a couple out to large group function is bad? If you catch these two on the wrong day, you’re going to have to listen to an argument at the table because “Alex” shouldn’t be drinking this much on a Saturday at noon and “Brenna” thinks they should just go home before the food gets to the table. And let’s say the couple isn’t fighting. You know what they’re doing at the table while the rest of the crew is ordering bloodies with two shots of vodka instead of one? They’re playing grab ass with one another and harshing everyone else’s mellow. Are all of the single people a little jealous of what they have? You bet your ass. Don’t rub it in our faces. Leave the couple to their own devices. They shouldn’t get an invite. Oh, yeah, one more thing about the couple. These two are always the first people to leave brunch. They shared a plate and had two mimosas total. Really wild Saturday, you guys. Enjoy your sex and happy life together. We’ll all be too drunk to remember you Irish exited, anyways.

The Guy Who Is Too Hungover To Drink

Nobody is really sure how this guy got to the brunch in the first place. The last time everyone saw him, his face was buried in a toilet at your buddy’s because he decided to take a shot of Admiral Nelson that someone had brought to the pregame. He did this despite the fact that he is a 25-year-old man. He did this despite the fact that he hasn’t drank Admiral Nelson since college and he did it because he is an idiot. He arrives at brunch some fifteen minutes late, orders a coffee and a side of hash browns, and is relatively silent the entire meal. He’ll end up falling by the wayside shortly after The Couple leaves. Don’t even bother with the guy who is too hungover to drink. Let him sleep it off. You need drinkers in your crew, not spectators.

The Ugly

The Guy Who Says He Isn’t Hungry

I’m never going to tell someone that a liquid breakfast is a bad idea. Sometimes I’ll wake up on a Saturday morning and have one, maybe two Miller Lites with a couple Advil for breakfast. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Where it gets ugly is around the hour and a half mark of brunch. Everyone is sufficiently satiated by this time. Plates are getting cleared and everyone has fresh drinks. The guy who said he wasn’t hungry was just drinking the entire time everyone else ate. You’ll more than likely find this guy in a bush just outside the bar, throwing up and cursing himself for not eating. You don’t need amateurs like this in your crew.

The “I’m Too Busy” Guy

If you fall under this category, you’re just as bad the couple. Maybe worse. At least the couple showed up. You decided you’d “hit the gym” and “go to the grocery store” instead of drinking with your friends. Wow. Hop off of your high horse for a minute and tell me how it feels to be a responsible person. You’ll know who the I’m too busy guy is because you’ll stop inviting him out. Everyone has a friend who constantly declines invitations to things. And maybe they really are busy. But even so. Fuck them. They’re not fun and they’re not what you’re looking for.

Okay, so by this point you’re probably wondering where you should fall in this spectrum of people. Obviously, you should be somewhere in “The Good” category. You don’t need to be the organizer or the conspicuous alcoholic. You just need to be in that sweet spot, my friend. Get a healthy buzz going while you eat that brisket eggs benedict dish that’s on special. Chat the girls up in your group and see what’s what in regards to you getting laid. Whether it’s with one of them or with one of their friends after you turn brunch into a full blown darty (that’s day party for all of you narcs out there) is your decision. Good luck, and God Speed. You’re going to need it if you’re trying to keep up with The Enabler and The Drinker.

The couple one is kind of a double standard. We all complain that when our friend’s get in a relationship we never see them. And then we complain when they come out with us as a couple. I, personally, just want my friends around so I’m okay with the brunch couple.

When my wife and I go out with friends, I make sure to pay as much attention to everyone else as I do to her. I’m gonna go home and spend the rest of the day with her, but I might not see everyone else for weeks. Why would I ignore them to have a conversation I could have anytime in the next 10 hours?

Since I allocate shit to investors for a living (hedge fund accounting ftw), my friends have gotten into the habit of letting me figure out who owes how much. Never a problem since, except for the times that I’m too busy or inebriated to do this and someone else does it, of course resulting in some sort of issue. I think my work speaks for itself.

We have someone in our group who, when the check is split, always takes it last. She either underpays every time due to others rounding up, or she sends it back around because “there’s no way I owe this much.” THE WORST.

I recently became the too hungover guy and my soul was crushed. I never imagined getting together with some old college friends would turn into the worst day of my life. Simply opening my eyes turned my world into a vomit inducing vortex