Sunday, September 27, 2009

I stress and I obsess about the fear of rejection in the modeling industry. The inevitable rejection that awaits me causes fear to consume me at times. I often think I wont be able to handle it and that my skin simply isn't thick enough. I want to keep high hopes and and dream big and at the same time prepare for doors to be slammed in my face. I seek balance in that but most times there is little to be found.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

These past couple of days have had me on such a roller coaster ride of emotions. Up until this morning my husband and I were planning our escape. Our plan was to quit our jobs, break our lease and leave in the night with out a word. Selling most of what we own, leaving everything and everyone behind to start over and hopefully find ourselves closer to our dreams. John had already put in his two weeks notice at his job- so the plan was very much in motion and I found myself freaking out.

I know it sounds like something out of a movie... but haven't you ever felt like that?? Like leaving everything behind to explore this world while you explore yourself? Or to stop chasing your dreams the safe way and take a risk?

I KNOW WE DID. We were over it... the monotony of life. We are 21, feeling 41. We wanted to do something that they people would look at and say, "that's stupid". I know it sounds crazy but we wanted to be "young and dumb" for once. We felt like our options were, work jobs and be no where near realizing our dreams, and struggle....or..... struggle doing what we love.

But, like I said I was freaking out. Silently, at first. We gave ourselves two weeks before the big move. Plenty of time for my mind to throw me in plenty of directions and convince myself to stick to our original plan.

Needless to say, we came to our senses, but we know somethings gotta give. Leaving now would mean breaking our lease and destroying our credit. It would also mean making a home in our car, that's if our car would even survive the trip. It would mean struggling unnecessarily.

Don't get me wrong... we arnt afraid of struggle. We know that making your dreams come true comes with a price. But that doesn't mean all good sense goes out the window. Although it did for a split second, so we let it back in through the door.

At the end of the day the overwhelming feelings of being unsatisfied and desperate forced us to look at our lives in a completely different way. We realized how thankful we were for our lives together and allll the things God has blessed us with. God has given us a huge assignment for our lives and he has given us gifts and talents to assist in completing what he has called us to do in this world. Therefore we have to realize our purpose and let it drive our lives and everything we do.

We remain unsatisfied. We are 100% not complacent. We want to walk in our purpose and we are willing to sacrifice what we must. But we also want to be on God's timing, not our own. And we also want to be directed and moved by God, not our emotions.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Last time you heard from me I was just a wee young thang... but today I stand before you as a woman... haha sike naw... but I did turn the big TWO ONE last week :)

You heard right ladies and gents- ya girl is 21 years old as of August 24th! Feels good I must say. My birthday was spent with just and my baby. We slept in, went to the beach, stuffed our faces at waffle house... the day was perfect :)

So far I have not become the lush that I imagined- due largely to the fact that Im usually broke... although I did get drunk with my husbands family- it was awsome- but thats another story for another time ;)

In other news I FINALLY got a job. I started at Rag-O-Rama on monday! So far I loves it ;) Hopefully I stick with it till I bust up out of Ohio

ALSO, on my first day I met a lady that recognised me from mane & chic!! She said I inspired her big chop- I thought that was pretty dope! Im really bad with names- but you were one hot mama, I do remember that! lol Sooo if you're reading this I just wanted to give YOU a shout out! - so there you go :)

ummm what else is dere??

OH YEAH- I met with that agent from S2 Wilhelmina. The meeting went great. But Im still not sure what I want to do. HUGE GROWN- UP DECISION ALERT. brain crashing... crashing...crashing....gone.

Unfortunately Chicago got postponed for a of couple weeks and for couple of reasons. For one, mother nature sent me my monthly gift. So we arnt speaking. And for two, I didnt like the way the trip was organized- to where the there was a possibility of me missing one of my open calls. Not cool. So we are planning it better and Im going to get off the rag and we are gonna go in two weeks... I've waited this long, whats two weeks.