I have terrible ankles and they just keep getting worse. I need to get to a podiatrist asap and get them checked out again and then I need to go over to a shoe store where they specialize in running shoes and get some good ones that will support my feet. Currently I have two bad ankles, blisters on the bottoms of my feet, and no tolerance for pain.

I ran 2 miles outside today but couldn’t finish the last mile because my feet hurt so bad. It’s really cutting into my exercise time!

Food hasn’t been great, but I am trying. It’ll be a lot easier once I’m back home and I can really focus on what I eat. I’m looking forward to it.

I need to pick up the 30 day shred so that I can do that at home and when I’m in Seattle too. I’m nervous about going back out to Seattle this summer. I blew up last summer from all the drinking and eating I did. I can’t allow myself to do that again… I won’t. I was miserable afterward. If I want to have a drink I will, but then my butt’s going right back to the gym! So I have to choose. Would I rather run to burn off the calories, or just not have that margarita??? We’ll see what happens.

The semester is winding down (I’m in the middle of finals right now) so I have hardly any food, basically no money, and very little interest in doing work. I eat very well during the day though because I know dinner is just going to be a disaster. My roommate made cookies tonight too…ugh!

Im proud of myself for the exercise that I’ve been doing though. 2 miles on Tuesday, 3 miles on wednesday, 2 miles on Tuesday. I think that’s awesome. I better keep that up at home. It’s the one thing I don’t want to stop doing. And I’m very excited for the furry 5k in June. They just put up the website and I can’t wait to register!

I’m struggling here for sure. My weight has been going back and forth between the same 5 lbs for the last month. I really need to kick it into high gear. I’m going home in 2 weeks and I don’t want my parents to wonder how it is that I’ve been going to the gym everyday and I look exactly the same. That would just crush me.

I need motivation. At night I’ve got it. I get into bed every night and I say “tomorrow I’m going to really watch what I eat” but then it doesn’t happen. I’m so good about going to the gym too. I’m not even worried about the exercise part. The food is what really concerns me. It’s so hard for me to resist temptation and it’s even harder to eat healthy on a college campus. The only time I can actually be sure of the amount of calories I’m eating is when I eat something pre-packaged. I’m definitely stressing out.

I’ve been drinking more water so that’s good. And I definitely feel changes in my legs. But that’s about it. Tomorrow the plan is to run 3 miles, do sit-ups, and weights. Also I need to watch my calorie intake tomorrow so I’m going to pre-select everything I’m going to eat for tomorrow and add it into my food log.

Oh, just a side note. I had the Healthy Selections Asian Postickers for dinner the other night. I didn’t like it. For me it was too spicy but for others it might be good. I’m going to stick to the spinach parmesan and the pumpkin squash ravioli. Those two are delicious!

On Saturday I ran 3 miles!! I was so incredibly excited! Never in my life have I ever ran 3 miles. I’m too scared to run on the track though, I’m afraid it’ll be a lot harder than running on the treadmill.

Yesterday a few of us did the 30 days shred. I LOVED IT! It was fantastic. I sweat a ton and was dying while I was doing it, but I felt SO good afterward! Today though, I’m sore as hell lol. I’m in tons of pain, getting up and sitting back down are extremely painful, and walking down stairs are also pretty excruciating. I had to skip today because if I’m going to run tomorrow I’m going to need my legs. And since I finally hit the 3 mile mark I can’t turn back!

Now to the title of this entry. Food is still not so great. My roommate’s parents brought me 2 baskets of candy! And I’ve been eating it non-stop since Friday morning (when the first basket arrived). It’s terrible. I need to get back on track asap! My biggest issue is counting calories when calories aren’t provided to me. It frustrates the hell out of me.

For my birthday my mom sent me a $50 gift card to Panera! I am sooooo excited but i have to stop myself because even though Panera seems healthy, it is most certainly not! I’ll have to pace myself.

I think I’m going to buy the 30 day shred, and maybe one of Jillian Michael’s books. If anyone has any recommendations please let me know! Although, i’m pretty positive no one reads this 🙁 as no one has ever left me a comment.

Today’s my birthday. But besides the fact that my good eating/exercise habits today have gone out the window, I don’t feel like it’s my birthday. I went to a three hour lecture at 9 am like I always do, and I had a headache and was falling asleep the entire time. Then I went to the union for lunch w/ my roommate which we do every tuesday, except that this Tuesday I decide that since it was my birthday I was allowed to have pizza. I’m not sure why I decided that just because it’s my birthday I get to eat whatever shit I want to, but that’s how it’s going down today.

Also my ankles are really pissing me off now. My right one is now bothering me. I just KNOW it’s from walking around Detroit on Friday in my Puma’s and I’m so mad at myself for doing it because it has definitely set me back.

My boss emailed me today and asked in the subject line it said “2 things”. Then in the body of the e-mail it said “first, happy birthday- hope you have a great day. Second, do you have time today or tomorrow to handout fliers on north and central campus” Handing out fliers is not something I like to do normally but on my birthday?! That is NOT something I want to do today. grrrr!

Tomorrow is Passover. I’m going to my grandmother’s cousin in Farmington Hills, MI but they live in a condo with no internet access so I highly doubt that I will get to write anything tomorrow night. I’m not sure how I am supposed to make it without my computer. Isn’t that sad? I guess it’s okay being that my entire major/career is/will be focused on the use of technology and websites. It makes me feel a little bit better that this is my ‘life’

I’m going to go lay down and watch some TV. I should be doing homework though… being that I have two papers due this week and neither one are done…

I didn’t go to the gym today. I didn’t go because at 4:30 I got a text message from Shirley saying that she was going to skip the gym today because she didn’t get very much sleep last night. At first I was still going to go, then the motivation quickly died. I hate working out alone. I guess I feel like if I have to endure the torture, it’s nice to have someone there with me.

I had basically already decided I wasn’t going to the gym but while I was walking home from class I was trying to convince myself that I should. All the while my ankle was killing me! I’ve had achilles tendinitis in my left ankle since I was in high school. I remember a trip to Paris with my parents when I was 15 (actually exactly 7 years ago tomorrow, wow). We did a ton of walking and got lost quite a few times. All that walking was extremely painful on my ankle and I could barely stand it. I cried one night when we were lost and it was dark and late and I just couldn’t stand the pain anymore. I have extremely flat feet that role to the center when I stand. I’ve bought inserts a few times to put in my shoes, but eventually I just get lazy about it and either they wear out or I stop switching them into whatever pair of shoes I’m wearing. I’ve been to a podiatrist who wasn’t helpful and only spoke to my feet (yes, VERY weird), and I’ve bought sneakers made specifically for flat footed people.

I do have to admit though, I wear flip flops when I can, and puma sneakers when I go places. Very rarely do I wear running sneakers (only to the gym), and the boots that I wore all winter hardly have any support. It’s my own fault really, but it’s painful nonetheless.

This was a ridiculously pointless stroll down memory lane. The point was that every once in a while the pain comes back and I think because I’ve recently decided to stop being a lazy bum and actually exercise, my ankle doesn’t know what hit it. I also spent all day Friday walking around Detroit in Puma’s so that probably didn’t help either… 🙁

Anyway on a diet related note, I decided to track WW points today in addition to my normal tracking of calories. I am pleased to say that I ate 24 points worth today which is perfectly in my range. Here’s what I ate:
Breakfast:

1 c. Light Vanilla Soy Milk: 2 pts

1 c. Multigrain Cheerios: 2pts

Lunch:

1 light english muffin: 1pt

1 Egg: 2 pts

1 morningstar sausage patty: 2 pts

1/8 c. of meijer mexican shredded cheese: 2 pts

Snack:

Yoplait Whips! Lemon Merengue: 3 pts

100 Calorie Right Bites (Fudge Shoppe Grasshopper): 1 pt

Dinner:

Healthy Choice Natural Entree (Pumpkin Squash Ravioli): 6 pts

Dessert:

Hershey’s 60 calorie stick :2 pts

Jell-O Sugar-free Pudding (Dark Chocolate Raspberry): 1 pt

In addition, I figured out how many calories I would have to burn through movement/exercise in order to lose 2 lbs a week. If I could stick to the 1200 calories per day that I have been doing (though I tend to go over around dinner time…grrr)

BMR: 1,561
Calories consumed per day: 1,200

((7000/5)+1200)-1561 = Calories I Need to Burn

I need to burn 1039 calories per day if I only exercise 5 days a week. If I exercise 7 days a week i need to burn 639 calories per day. That doesn’t seem bad at all. I try to exercise 5 days a week and I have to walk everywhere I go so I feel like 1000+ is do-able as long as I can stick to a low-calorie diet. Oh well, we’ll see.

It snowed last night. I’m so sick of snow. I really thought we were done with this… guess not!

A few things:

4 lbs to go until I’m out of the 170s!

Yesterday I walked/ran 4 miles. Never done that before!

I need to work on drinking more water

Today I’m wearing a belt… just a few weeks ago, the belt didn’t fit around my waist. Granted it’s tight and my lovely rolls are pouring over it, but hey… I’ll take it.

I joined the 5lb challenge on 3fc and I’m motivated!!

I want to run 2.5 miles straight by next Tuesday (the 14th)

and finally….. tomorrow is my birthday!

I will be 22. Nothing really exciting happens when you’re 22, but a few friends and I will go to dinner at red lobster (a birthday meal… definitely not a regular thing! Those cheese biscuits are deadly) and of course we’ll watch the biggest loser 🙂

I weighed in yesterday at 173 so I’d LOVE to get out of the 170s this week. But 4 lbs is quite a lot to lose in one week… so we’ll see. I’d be okay with 2 weeks I suppose. Damn I want this weight gone!

A few things I’m currently loving:

I bought a few more Healthy Choice All Natural Entrees since I really liked the Portabella Spinach Parmesan so I’ll write about how those are when I eat them. I will be having one tonight for dinner so stay tuned 🙂

Also, I am in love with all morningstar products. Especially the spinach and artichoke bites mmmmm and the chik patties! I’m not a vegetarian by any means, but I LOVE these.

Finally, when I’m looking for something low-cal but sweet and delicious I turn to Jell-O Pudding Cups! 60 calories of deliciousness. I really like the dark chocolate raspberry ones, and I just bought the Banana Fudge ones and they are also extremely tasty.

I think that’s all for now… I’ll be going to the gym at 5:30 today but I’m not sure yet whether I’ll run or do the spinning bike. I’m thinking the bike…

without mentioning names I’m going to be as candid as I possibly can. I feel that this one thing has been holding me back for a very long time and could very well be a large part of why I am unhappy.

My senior year of high school the guy I was head over heels for just happened to be my best guy friend. We were great friends and had so much fun together, but I felt that I wasn’t worthy of his friendship because I had low self-esteem and just always held back my feelings. I never shared anything personal with him.

Eventually he began dating my best friend.

Needless to say I was devastated. I didn’t talk to either of them for a long period of time until eventually I decided I needed to let it go. If he didn’t feel anything for me, I sure as hell wasn’t going to guilt him into not feeling anything for someone else. I felt pathetic.

I decided not to attend the same college as the guy because I felt like if I didn’t break free then, I was going to rely on him for all four years. And I couldn’t bare that thought.

Him and my friend dated my entire freshman year of college (and the summer before sophomore year). It was always uncomfortable to be around them during the summer. And even though I hated hearing anything about their relationship during the school year, I found myself wondering if they had gone to visit each other during their break, or if they had said I love you, or if they were even still together. I tortured myself.

What was even worse was that we still spoke to each other on the phone constantly. Just not about her. My friendship with her was basically over, and although we still pretend to be friends when we see each other, we both know that our friendship actually ended in high school.

I found myself talking about him all the time, wondering the next time I’d speak to him. I basically screwed myself over because no one compared to him. In my mind, he was the guy I wanted.

It’s been 4 years. I speak to him occasionally (more so in the past few weeks) but I’m finding that I still have feelings for him. He’s moved on and has been in a relationship for 3 years with another girl, but for some reason I just can’t let go. I feel hopeless and pathetic. How could I let myself be like this?? Who is this girl that lets a guy mess her up like this? I swore I would never let a guy control me, and yet he’s the master.

For the last few days I’ve tried desperately to ignore his phone calls, but tonight I finally picked up. I giggled the whole time i was on the phone w/ him, all the time wondering where his girlfriend was, if they were still together, if he even knew that I still had feelings for him. Sometimes I wonder if he talks to me just because he knows how much I truly feel for him. And other times I wonder if he feels like there’s something there. I mean there’s gotta be a reason why he’s kept in touch with me for so long after I’ve consistently tried to cut off all ties.

Tonight he said the worst thing he could have ever said to me. He said, “Lauren, why can’t it be like high school again?”

I’ve been crushed all over again.

I feel sad that I’ve come to this. That this one person whom I’ve never even had a relationship with, could fuck me up so badly. The saddest part is, I still don’t even believe I deserve him. I think to myself, yeah if you lost 30 lbs then maybe he’d like you. Or if you were smarter, than sure why not. But I never think, no, no matter what you deserve way better.

I want so badly to tell him how I feel and be done with it. To tell him I can’t do this anymore and that it would be better if we just didn’t speak. But I know that the answer I’d get isn’t what I want and that I really wouldn’t be better off if we didn’t speak. I’d be miserable.

My reason for this post is because I tend to keep a lot of things bottled up inside. I don’t share a lot with my friends, and I know that it takes a toll on my health. My hope is that by getting this out (or as much as i could), I will feel somewhat better tomorrow. Who knows?

back to the gym tomorrow… after all, the first step in feeling good on the inside is feeling good on the outside.

I’ve been gone for a few days due to homework and what not. It’s so difficult to do this while I”m in college. Papers really get in the way of blogging and going to the gym.

I woke up yesterday and my toe was swollen and it was killing me… I went to the Dr. and I had an ingrown toe-nail. Disgusting. Anyway, he removed it but now I have to keep my toe bandaged and it’s kind of uncomfortable to walk on. So I couldn’t go to the gym yesterday. Today I have class at 2 and then a group project from 4:30-8:30 but I’m going to skip the gym anyway just to give my toe another day to rest. Tomorrow though… back to the gym!

Shirley (my gym buddy) ran 4 miles yesterday at a 5 mph speed. I know we all run at our own pace or whatever but it bums me out that she can run longer and faster than I can. I just have to keep reminding myself that she started this a year before I did. I’ll get there. I will!

I’m really excited for the 5k in June. I hope that I’ll be ready to do it. Eating right is getting more and more difficult. For some reason every time I drop a pound I feel that now I can eat whatever I want. And that’s SO not the case. I think a lot of it is that it’s very difficult for me to keep track of what I eat. Especially if it’s not simple to count the calories. For pre-packaged foods it’s very easy but I’m too lazy to be measuring out things and weighing foods. I don’t even own a scale… I should really get one. Being a student makes it very difficult to make sure I count everything that goes into my mouth… especially since my roommate doesn’t watch what she eats at all (she doesn’t need to). I hope that eventually writing down what I eat just becomes a habit.

once I’m finished writing the 3 papers that I have due next week I’ll be able to focus solely on diet and exercise. 3fc.com and hungrygirl.com are the two things that keep me going… so I’m extremely grateful for that.

OH one last thing… my birthday is coming up on Tuesday and I’ve already decided I want to go to Red Lobster for dinner because I haven’t been there in ages and I love their cheesy biscuits. mmm. That day I’ll have to really watch what I eat so I can splurge for dinner.

This whole “eat better, exercise more” thing that I’m trying to do is definitely getting harder with each day. I find it extremely difficult to log all the calories I eat and track all of the calories I burn. I wish I could afford to buy something that would do it for me…

My main problem is at night. I am usually pretty good about eating 1 snack in the afternoon if I really need one. But around dinner time (and even after) I have the urge to just binge. It’s awful! I honestly don’t know what to do about it.

I have been good about going to the gym though. Yesterday I ran 1.25 again and starting Tuesday I will run 1.5. HOLY COW, I don’t think I’ve ever ran that far without stopping. I’m excited! I also realized yesterday that my birthday is on the first Tuesday that I have to run 2 miles. What a milestone that will be… I’ll make sure I do it because i don’t want it to ruin my birthday!

Last night I was showing a friend the dress I wore just 2 years ago (size 9/10) to banquet. It was very clear that it was too small for me now but when I stepped into it and couldn’t even get it around my waist, I wanted to cry. I don’t understand what happened in the last 2 years that made me gain so much weight, but it’s sad that it happens so fast.

I’m meeting my friend Caitlin for lunch today at Panera. I think I’m going to get the you-pick-two with french onion soup, and half of the turkey artichoke sandwich. I’ve never had the turkey artichoke, so hopefully it’s good. I believe it had the lowest points for the sandwiches. I suppose I could do salad, but I”ll have to see what kind of mood I’m in.

Today is weigh-in but if I go after I eat I’m guessing it won’t be a good one. So I might just wait until tomorrow. Yesterday I weighed in at 175.7 (-0.9/) comeeee on 1 lb! 5.3 lbs gone! We’ll see!

oh, I recently tried the Healthy Choice All Natural Entree Portabella Spinach Parmesan. It was DELICIOUS. I really enjoyed it and it was only 270 calories! And it filled me up so that’s good. I definitely recommend it!