Good week/bad week

Good week for:

Pleading impotence, after six senior citizens were charged with having sex in a Connecticut park. “I haven’t had sex in maybe 10 years,” said defendant Richard Butler, 85, in proclaiming his innocence. “I got no blood flow.”

Self-defense, after a Colorado couple got into what police called “a boxing match” with a bear and its cub that had invaded their home. The man, 71, pummeled the bear with his fists while his wife struck it with a baseball bat, sending the invaders fleeing.

Thinking out of the box, after Axios.com reported that President Trump has more than once suggested to aides that the U.S. drop nuclear bombs on approaching hurricanes to disrupt their rotation. Aides reportedly responded, “Sir, we’ll look into that.”

Bad week for:

Alex Housden, a news anchor at KOCO 5 TV in Oklahoma City, who told her stunned African-American co-anchor, Jason Hackett, that a baby gorilla in a video segment “kind of looks like you.” Housden later tearfully apologized.

Lacking a paddle, with the rescue of an Oregon woman who fell into a backyard septic tank and was trapped neck-deep in raw sewage for three days. It was “a scary situation,” said paramedic Nick Wettlaufer.

Loudmouths, with the discovery by University of Cambridge scientists of an inverse correlation between the size of a howler monkey’s testicles and the loudness of his howls. After monkeys develop a large set of vocal cords, researchers theorized, “there is simply not enough energy left to invest in testes.”