Hard To Take `Justice Sunday' Seriously

Maybe I'll Wait For Dvd

August 14, 2005|By SUSAN CAMPBELL

As you read this, I am kicking back in the land of my youth, lounging on the buckle of the Bible Belt, relaxing with a sweating glass of iced tea as I anticipate the events of today, Justice Sunday II.

For today is our High Holy Day, when evangelicals and fundamentalists crowd around television screens the size of football fields so that our leaders can tell us how to think. God knows we gave up doing that for ourselves eons ago, back when the religious right became a voting bloc and we all got drunk with the power.

Ah. Doesn't this tea taste good?

To be honest, my family and I hardly know where to start such an important day here in the epicenter of modern-day fundamentalist Christianity, where mega-churches battle Wal-Marts for parking-lot size. I know we plan to meet in a restaurant -- chicken-fried steak a specialty -- and we'll hoist a few, but I don't know precisely where to sign up for the sack races and egg-tosses. Obviously, the fireworks won't start until after dark.

I'm sorry. We just can't possibly take Justice Sundays seriously out here. Although we all belong to the sects at which this extravaganza is aimed, we have been raised right. We just can't bring ourselves to feel downtrodden and ignored. People who take their religion straight own the House of Representatives, the Senate and the White House, and why they yearn for a chance to whine about the bad old days -- and prepare for their inevitable fall from power -- seems like a royal waste of time.

Justice Sunday II is a day set aside for a big telecast to rally conservative Christians to the cause. This time the cause includes -- but is not limited to -- smiting activist judges and sending them to hellfire, where their flesh will melt from their bones throughout all eternity. Justice Sunday I was organized to smite Democrats and send them to hell for their initiatives against ``people of faith,'' a euphemism for ``Christian,'' which even Justice Sunday organizers knew wouldn't fly in the godless Northeast, where a goodly number of citizens have yet to accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior, bless their hearts.

At least, I think that's what the press releases all say. Mostly, I'm just primed for the chicken-fried steak at my family gathering. If I linger too long over supper, a DVD will be available later this month.

This whole victim mentality is an ugly debate tactic that works in the long run but eventually serves only to make those who might be persuaded to turn away for something a little more life-affirming, a little more godly.

The event's main organizer, the Family Research Council, according to its website, ``champions marriage and family as the foundation of civilization, the seedbed of virtue, and the wellspring of society.'' (I get giggly when I read the word ``seedbed.'') Scheduled to speak are House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, who appears to be taking a break from his many travels funded by shady characters to appear here; former Georgia Sen. Zell Miller, whose sermon at the 2004 Republican National Convention held all the fascination of a train wreck; and Phyllis Schlafly, high priestess of the Eagle Forum, a career lawyer who has made a second career out of telling women to stay home and raise their babies. I pray for them all, because I think they need it.

Lest you think this up-the-theocracy mentality is predominantly a Southern thing (or semi-Southern, as we Missouri hillbillies like to think of ourselves), understand that the concept has the backing and financial support of people from all over the country, and the Tennessee-based simulcast will be broadcast all over creation. And lest you think this has the backing of God, well, we'll just have to ask Her when we see Her. God Save the United States and this Honorable Court, says the press release, and God save the rest of us, too. Happy Justice Sunday II to you. See me waving? That's me, over in the foundation/seedbed/wellspring.