6 WOMEN (WEAK) MEN FEAR: THE SUPERHERO EDITION

Know what two words I think are the most offensive to women of late? “Real Woman”. What the actual hell is a “real woman”? Last time I checked (and I do check) they are the dickless humans with breasts and mad at me always.

Diet and fashion magazines love to do pieces on them. They’re usually the ones 20-50 lbs heavier than the female they decided to put on the front cover who apparently isn’t “real” enough for the back section but fantasy enough for us to buy the magazine. (picture of magazine cover : “Hi I’m thin and pretty but if you’re a real human female look inside for how you can be thin and pretty like the other 22% of us).

TV commercials reference them as mothers, business magazines have them labeled as pant suit wearing professionals and just about every meme on Facebook has them labeled as thick women with cellulite who just happen to be “realer” than the female without it.

What’s scarier than that is that women have divided themselves using this standard and there is a war going on as to who is real and who isn’t. Page by page these outlets put into question, quite successfully I might add, a woman’s worth. Men get the blame for this because apparently we have preferences of our own so we’re the problem.

Deep down however, women have to know that we’re just the on the outside looking at this ongoing war. Do you know who really benefits? Those magazines, the companies and weak men who prey on insecure, broken women. Well ladies I’m here to implore you to put your weapons down in this gender civil war because you are ALL superheroes and you’re far better than the labels you have put on yourselves. The issue is, to weak(er) men you’re a huge problem so……..Here are the 6 females a lesser man should fear.

The Intelligent Female

Barbara Gordon aka Batgirl.
Fun Fact: Batgirl has a genius level IQ, advises batman on tactical maneuvers from her wheelchair, smartest member of the Batman family

Women have been smarter than us forever but there’s a difference between being smarter than someone and being more intelligent than someone. Smart people know better, intelligent people know why.

There is nothing that annoys weak dudes more than a woman who can give them a run for their money in the intelligence arena. Why is it threatening? Because then guys actually have to try. Nothing more annoying to a weak man than a woman who can go toe to toe with him and be right at the end of it. They are just simply too hard to get into bed within the first hour.

My argument has always been, if I’m a bear in the forest I don’t want to roll with a rabbit when I go hunting. We’d never eat. I need the female version of me who I can go toe to toe with without having to lead or guide them everywhere.

Yeah its cute at the bar but after a week or two shit gets old quick. Nothing in this world is more annoying than talking to a dense female whose scope of awareness is somewhere between what’s directly in front of her face and the last episode of Love and Hip Hop Atlanta.

Go to any night school or colleges in general, women outnumber men at least 5-1 and that ratio is growing. It’s not fair in the slightest that they are underpaid but as more females get themselves in positions of power I’m sure that will change soon.

…go get em, HilaryThe Warrior

Hawkgirl
Fun Facts: Once beat the shit out of wonder woman, general in the Thanigarian military, takes no shit.

Apparently there are men out there that don’t like women with strong bodies or women who can kick their asses. On behalf of 10th year Seniors I would like to say to these men that we not only accept but applaud your lifestyle choice and believe that whoever you choose to love is your prerogative. For the rest of us that find vagina preferable, we enjoy any woman who is in the gym and has the muscles to prove it. And for all the women who still think, in 2015, that lifting weight or being athletic makes you bulky please see exhibit A.

Look how bulky you don’t want to be

Or maybe you don’t want to be tough like Ronda Rousey either.

Terrifying

Ladies, this is where diet and exercise gets you. Gentlemen, if this scares or intimidates you then you either have small arms or you’re just a pussy. Period.

I applaud any woman that gets it in wherever/however they can. From the ladies walking the beach to the ladies in the gym pressing weight to the women getting their yoga on, you’re all warriors and those guns, thick thighs and sweaty gym shirts are sexy as shit.

The Strong Woman

Laira Omoto
Fun Facts: Senior member of the Green Lantern corps, argued to be the most mentally tough lantern alive

It’s one thing to be physically strong but another to be mentally tough. It takes a lot to be a single mother, wake up, get kids dressed, drop them off, go to work, hit the gym, do night classes and still have the energy to cook dinner and do homework with your kids.

Physically I couldn’t do it but to even attempt to have that much responsibility and obligation rattling around in my head would drive me insane, but there are women out there doing that with ease.

In fact there are women IN relationships and marriages who do it with ease which has to be more mentally draining considering you’re supposed to have help! To be fair there are single dads out there doing the same but I think we can all agree the pressure usually falls to the women in this case.

Outside of having kids just being a woman I imagine is mentally draining. Cant be dressed a certain way or you come off “slutty”. You work the same job as a man but get paid less. You have to act like a man in some cases or not be respected. And you have to be a certain size or you wont even be acknowledged as relevant on the social scene. I throw on a t-shirt, jeans and flip flops and go out without a second thought. Meanwhile women have to go through hoops and ladders just to get their makeup right.

Yeah shit is annoying, but appreciate the fact that she’s doing that to look good on your arm, my male friends. (Just kidding she’s doing that cause she’s fly as hell. Its not about you at all).

The Multitasker

Vixen (Mari Jime McCabe)
Fun Facts: International model who just so happens to be able to take on the attributes of every living animal on the planet

Men have a horrible reputation for being bad multitaskers and frankly, its pretty true. We’re not good with having too much going on before we just say “fuck it” and have a beer. But these women somehow, some way, juggle their lives effortlessly and I’m here to tell you its pretty damn impressive.

To have your mind and hands in all those places at once is mindboggling to men as we’ve just gotten good at foreplay recently and even that isn’t going well. (picture of guy with question mark: “So wait you want me to do what with my mouth and have my hands where?”)

If you’re a married man with kids, sit down and really think about the things your wife accomplishes without you even realizing. I would be completely in awe watching my grandmother control 12 grandkids, cook, clean, bake, catch up with the neighbor then turn around and remind my sitting grandfather to take his heart medication. She had to remind HIM to be on top of his one job while she did 7 other things simultaneously. And these are the same guys who don’t help but come sundown he wants to poke her back with their member like they deserve a piece.

Wanna know the fastest way to get laid at the end of the day if you have a woman that busy? HELP HER! Ya she can handle it and thank the heavens you found one that can, but do the dishes, empty the garbage or for Christ sakes just remember to take your damn pills the one time without her having to “nag”, grandad.

Can you not just get your shit together for the 22 minutes you have left on this earth?

Did you know that slut shaming is a thing? I didn’t even know the term “slut shaming” existed until just recently and I gotta say I kinda agree that is pretty horrible.

Slut shaming is when a female, assumed to be a hoe, may it be because of her attire (or non attire), occupation or social status, is made fun of or bullied by her peers or strangers and more or less labeled a slut. To be fair I think both genders are guilty of being slutty but I digress. Because of this new term we’re seeing more and more women embracing their sexuality and owning it. And to that I say bravo!

Listen I’ve had my share of women, no one slut shames me. I get high fives and free drinks. If a females number is over 5 dudes go deep into their feelings as if she cheated on him and him alone with the 4 previous dudes. Women are taking the bull(shit) by the horns and just being themselves and there’s nothing more beautiful than a confident woman. If you’re a dude who cant handle a woman who’s numbers are higher than yours then that’s fine, you’re allowed to be insecure. But for the rest of us it’s a moot point. We all have a past and lets keep it 100: You probably knew who she was when you met her. Oh you thought she learned those bedroom tricks in the convent, son? Naw that’s years of experience you’re benefiting from.

Also, how a woman is dressed is not an excuse to harass her or call her a slut. You may have an opinion of who/what she is but keep it to yourself. If she worked hard for her body or wants to show off parts of it that’s her choice. We can squabble about what’s right or wrong among ourselves and raise our children accordingly. But once she isn’t cheating on you and playing her part appreciate your sexually aware woman. Need more motivation? Batman dated 2 notable women: Vickie Vale and Selina Kyle (Catwoman). Guess which one lasted the longest.

If its good enough for Batman then damn it its good enough for me

The Independent Woman

Wonder Woman (Diana Prince)
Fun Facts: Amazon general, only female member of the DC trinity (alongside Batman and Superman), killed more villains than Batman and Superman combined, hardened feminist, never given a shit in her life

Know what I hate about (some) “independent” women of our generation? They constantly have to announce just how independent they are, what they have and what the rules are to even be affiliated with them. If you’re one of those women then please feel free to miss me with your existence. But to those truly independent women out there, that more or less encompass all of the aforementioned traits and don’t need any outward encouragement or feigning of confidence, I salute you.

My football coach used to say “Do your job and everything will fall into place”. That’s what those women do. They get up, be awesome, do whatever it is their heart desires, be a boss at it, go home, repeat. They don’t seek affirmation from a man, they don’t feel the need to blame men or anyone else for their mistakes, mishaps or miscalculations. They don’t post on Facebook how awesome they are, they’re too busy kicking ass.

While you were busy posting another inspirational work meme or taking another gym selfie they were just getting the goddamn job done and keeping it moving. The irony here is, like Wonder Woman, they usually come from strong women which tells me the shit is genetic. So if you’re a dude who’s not intimidated by any Wonder Woman walking then please impregnate her quickly so we can get more wonder women and stop getting these mediocre chicks pregnant. And if you’re wondering the type of man wonder woman dates…

Clark Kents need not apply

I am a proud feminist because I was raised by a quiet one. I refer to my mother as quiet feminist because she didn’t brag or beat her chest for what was fair she just let her work show and didn’t take shit from any man or woman.

For as much flack as I give women there are a lot of ladies out there doing the damn thing and doing it well. Men are being challenged for their beliefs and the fallacy that is inequality which is soon coming to an end (we hope). Hilary Clinton, Michelle Obama, Serena Williams, Rhonda Rousey, Malala Yousafzai. All very different women who played very different roles in their lives but can we say we had this much female representation on as many fronts as this 10 years ago? Soon (finally) we’ll have our Wonder Woman movie and there’s a new female Thor for Christ sakes. The movement is happening and I for one think we are the better for it. And for all the men that think I’m pandering, do know that you better snap out that dream you’re in or you’re gonna get left behind. Women deserve the right to climb the highest, be the strongest, scream the loudest, dream the biggest and roar with unwavering resolve. The difference is they will tell my hypothetical daughter that that’s what makes her a monster. Then they will turn around and tell your hypothetical son that that’s what will make him a man.