Maximilian

Terminal Lance “Necropocalypse” Part IV

June 24, 2011

Oh thank God, I was really starting to worry that Garcia would never show up. Sans his kevlar, at least Garcia is faring better than Abe at the moment. In a zombie outbreak, I think full silkies green-on-green is probably the worst outfit you could be wearing. I don’t think the bulky flaks they issued us would be optimal for an outbreak scenario, but It’s definitely better than nothing.

One thing I always wondered though: how hard can zombies really bite? I mean, it can’t possibly be any harder than the average human. I dunno about you, but I can’t recall ever having the masseter strength to actually bite through even the most average set of clothing. Really, a pair of blue jeans and a leather jacket would do one well enough in an outbreak of the undead–but somehow you always see people getting torn limb-from-limb no matter what they’re wearing in movies.

Also, don’t forget you can now buy individual comic prints at a lower price. Check out the “Buy a Print!” button at the bottom of most of the comics (not all of them…) and order directly from the page. If you’d like more than one, you’ll be refunded for partial shipping depending on how many I can safely fit in the same package.

The movie I’d like to talk about today is probably one you’ve never heard of unless you’re a sick fuck like me who looks for these things. Anyone who knows George Romero is probably familiar with his Italian doppelgänger, Lucio Fulci. For those unfamiliar with this necrophile, he’s a guy who likes to make really raunchy zombie films. In Italy, Dario Argento released Dawn of the Dead under the title of Zombi. Shortly after, Lucio Fulci actually created a kind of spiritual sequel to Romero’s “Zombi” under the title of “Zombi 2”. Zombi 2 was later released in America under the title of Zombie in 1979. Despite their titles, the films are actually completely unrelated.

The basic premise of the film is that some chick’s dad goes missing in the Antilles islands, so she hooks up with some reporter and flies to the islands, where they meet up with a foreign guy and his cougar wife. They end up going to the islands and find out some voodoo shit’s going on and zombies start flipping their shit all over the island.

Why is this movie so notorious? For it’s grotesque and unabashed brutal violence. The most violent scene involves a woman getting her eye gouged out by a wooden plank after a stench with a hard-on walks in on her in the shower.

However, this scene, while definitely gross, is hardly the best part of this film. If I can offer you a single reason to watch this film, heed these three words:

Zombie. Versus. Shark.

I shit you not.

No Shit

The scene starts with the foreign guy’s MILF/cougar wife stripping on their boat to go for a dive into the water outlying the islands. Naturally, being an Italian film, she spends about 5 straight minutes undressing while the 3 other boaters intently watch. After her strip scene, she dives in the water (topless) and has a look around. While on her expedition into the reef, a large shark scares her into the shadows. While trying to avoid the beast, a rotten hand comes out of the reef and grabs her! A zombie!

She struggles and frees herself from his death grip. Leaving the zombie in the path of the shark. The shark, being a large predator, attacks the zombie as a shark would any creature while on the hunt. The shark kills the zombie right?

Fuck no!

THE ZOMBIE TAKES A BITE OUT OF THE SHARK!

I’m sorry, there’s no other way for me to say that. I will say it again:

THE ZOMBIE TAKES A FUCKING BITE OUT OF THE SHARK!

Anyway, the rest of the film is largely forgettable–a lot of over-the-top gore scenes that are gross for the sake of being gross. Lucio Fulci doesn’t really have the biting commentary and lovable wit of Romero–he just likes to make gruesome movies. If you’re looking for a mindless zombie romp, check out Zombie, which can be found in the cheap bin for a few bucks.

Also, if you really like puns, check out next week’s Marine Corps Times for an original comic on the subject…

Error: Access Token is not valid or has expired. Feed will not update. This error message is only visible to WordPress admins

There's an issue with the Instagram Access Token that you are using. Please obtain a new Access Token on the plugin's Settings page.If you continue to have an issue with your Access Token then please see this FAQ for more information.