Episcopal Presiding Bishop Calls for Ban on Telling the Truth about TECs
Decline
A Satirical Essay
By David Virtue DD
www.virtueonline.org
December 15, 2015
The Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church is calling on all her
bishops to ban telling the media just how bad things are in The
Episcopal Church.
"I was shocked when bishops started leaking to the world how the
Episcopal Church had declined since Gene Robinson was consecrated the
first gay bishop in TEC over a decade ago.
"Furthermore, the annual publication of figures logging the Church's
decline just humiliates the Church and all the 65 plus aged parishioners
who still fill the pews and who will be dead in a decade or so and with
it the Church and diocese. We need to take a leaf out of the Anglican
Church of Canada, which hasn't disclosed figures in years about their
average Sunday attendance.
"That also goes for all the millions we have spent on lawsuits. It's a
crying shame that people know what we are spending on the law firm of
David Booth Beers as he goes after dioceses that have separated from us
over such mundane issues as to who sleeps with whom. It's none of
anybody's business. It doesn't help our image as a church for white
elites with a few token Blacks, Hispanics and Native Americans," she
added.
The Presiding Bishop said they would publicize the need for money to
build more columbaria as a "safe place" for Episcopalians as they age
and die.
"We can't live off on endowments forever," she whined. "Rich
Episcopalians are no longer a dime a dozen. We only have a handful of
billionaires left and they are starting to catch on that we might not be
around much longer after they have gone, and several have told me they
won't put money on a dying nag at a racetrack."
The Presiding Bishop concluded her remarks by saying that the Episcopal
Church will never again be put in the embarrassing position of revealing
just how dysfunctional she is. "It is bad for fund raising and god knows
we need millions to keep the doors open, promote gay marriage at Sewanee
University, merge seminaries and dioceses, and push rites for same-sex
marriage as well as climate change and manipulating global south
primates to changing their minds about sex."
She said a resolution is being prepared for General Convention next year
in Utah.
END