Shady advice from a raging bitch who has no business answering any of these questions.

Menu

On fun-sized advice

I’m scared that if I stop hating myself, I’ll have nothing left.
No you’re not. You’re scared that you might be normal.

Is horoscope bullshit?
Total and complete.

What if I’m in my twenties and would rather meet new people in the physical world than through Tinder or Bumble or whatever?
Um, you do meet new people in the physical world. The apps are just an initial screening process that eliminate 95% of the bullshit.

What does he mean when he says he’s never free, but always available?
It means he’s not funny.

I’m powering through The West Wing (Literally. 3 seasons in less than 3 weeks) Do I even bother after season 4? I don’t want to leave these characters.
Don’t be a Sorkin snob. It’s all wonderful.

When have I crossed the line from being forgiving to being a doormat?
At the moment you’ve lost your dignity.

How do you break up with someone who essentially has nothing wrong with him, it’s just that he wants to get serious and I don’t?
The same way you break-up with anyone. (Hopefully that means you do it quickly with respect and mercy.)

Why can’t Americans get their shit together when it comes to gun violence? (Serious question.)
Because of the 2nd Amendment. (Serious answer.)

How do you keep yourself open to relationships with the knowledge that they will all inevitably end?
Your question doesn’t even make sense to me. It’s like asking why I stay alive with the knowledge that I’ll eventually die.

Are you a socialist?
Are you a reductionist?

Have you ever belonged to a country club?
Nope. I do like my clubs private, but not so much with the country.

Damn…I might be a “sorkin snob.” I started watching but didn’t like how all the characters sounded the same and the female characters felt…contrived? It was like watching a sock puppet show where all the socks were equally verbose. Should I try again?

I found season 1-3 entertaining, but the smug sense of superiority and starry eyed patriotism (that is cleverly self-critical to inoculate itself against criticism) at the core of the show has always rubbed me the wrong way.

I agree to some degree – but I sort of feel like most people work this out and adjust what they’re looking for? On Okc anyway, I found myself getting on better in person with 75% matches than 95% matches.

On OKCupid the more questions you answer, the worse the matches are – even if you are mindful of how weighting works. I only answer 10 or so questions on the big hot button issues – abortion, gender roles, race relations, poverty, trombone playing, etc. It makes it painfully clear who I can stand. Everything else is negotiable and I like negotiating.

I’ve answered about a thousand questions. The ideal match percentages for me are between 85 and 95 percent. Above that, I get people who are way way way too close to the parts of me that lead to conflict and toxicity, and below that are people who I’ll get along with to varying degrees but haven’t felt any real romantic connections to. I have way too much time on my hands on either case

Beyond that, it’s a bit brutal. People treat online dating matches in a way that they would never treat a friend of friend they connected with at a party. Online dating means being treated like a cheap commodity, and personally I refuse to do it anymore.

True, you have to adjust your expectations. I am in the generation who grew up with one system of dating and found another online. I wasn’t used to being treated as disposable, and by the time I figured out the deal, the harm to my self-esteem was already significant.

“I wasn’t used to being treated as disposable”
Er, “being treated as disposable” seems like something that happens in dating regardless of whether you meet the people online or not. It’s part of the act of dating and meeting people and deciding on compatibility in general (if you’re totally invested at every first meeting I can kind of see why it resulted in self-esteem problems though). “Ghosting” happens to people regardless. It just happens to be a bit easier and less awkward to do it to people with whom you don’t have connections beyond online ones. But I don’t think that’s an intrinsic issue with online dating as opposed to regular dating except insofar as volume issues.

Still, it does sound like you met some not-so-great people through online dating and that always sucks, so I sympathize.

Yeah, the good thing with an online network is that it canmake you cross roads with people you wouldn’t have otherwise. The downside is you can get exposed to flavors of douchebaggery you never tasted before, and that can fuck you up real bad.

Above all of that want/need question, it gives you access to a whole pool of new people that are available and potentially interested in you, which is in itself give you access give you access to more of both : what you want and what you need.

What? Online dating and dating apps are how the majority of people in their 20s/30s date. No longer is it taboo or strictly constructed for the rougher edges of internet/society. I will say that on the surface it might seem like a more convoluted situation; an insinuation that it’s purely used for “hook-ups” and people without depth or character; or even the reality that a new partner is at everybody’s finger tips in this strange new-age sort of way, probably is a cause for insecurity.

Despite all of that, nothings REALLY changed.

We are all human and plenty of us want to meet someone trustworthy, and build a meaningful connection with them. It’s not as easy as it should be, but especially in today’s world this has nothing to do with meeting them online or in person. If you keep getting used up or shit on, it might be bad luck, but it’s probably your own fault. It’s easy to get stars in our eyes and ignore red flags in the face of pretty faces or good sex.

Your results in terms of quality aren’t going to fluctuate that drastically just because you refuse to date online. You’ll probably just be less prolific (date less people) and still get suckered into psuedo-charming assholes that lie to you and use you (because that’s your own pattern).

I’ve met plenty of amazing people through dating apps/websites. It doesn’t work with everyone, that’s dating, first dates stop at the first date and flings sizzle to an end. Basic you live and you learn stuff here.

But what I guarantee is, if you have a good heart you’ll eventually find someone worth your while and it’ll last and be meaningful. So don’t be pretentious, don’t be a shithead, and don’t point the finger.

I met my SO online, I think it is a good filter. Granted I am introverted, but the online stuff allows you to sift out weirdos and man children much faster than “IRL” interaction (where politeness may force you to keep interacting…)

Politeness doesn’t force you to continue interacting with shitty people. Even at work (I work at a bar), I will discontinue any conversation with vocal disapproval if they begin displaying unacceptable behavior. Politeness is valuable in the service industry, but even there, where the expectations of the occupation are that you put with a lot of shit, politeness doesn’t make you a doormat.

By making politeness your excuse for putting up with shit people, you’re essentially saying, “I’m too nice of a person to take care of myself.” It’s not true, and it’s not helping you.

Online and offline scrounging for dates both has its moments. Online is a faster filter and browsing profiles is fun, offline is spontaneous and makes sure you don’t get rusty with actually approaching people you like in the wild.