Parenting in my shoes – I am a stay at home dad and carer

Alan was born in England to Irish parents and was eventually adopted by an American couple. When his sister tracked down their birth mother, he moved to Ireland where he met his partner and her two children from a previous relationship. Together they went on to have two more children.

Life threw some curveballs their way which meant Alan had to give up work and become a stay at home dad and carer for his stepson. Here he talks about the realities of a gender role reversal and the challenges and rewards of being a carer.

Becoming a carer…

I am carer for my stepson, who has a diagnosis of Autisim, ADHD, dyspraxia, a specific learning difficulty (reading) and tics.

It was during the pregnancy of my son that a couple of things happened resulting in me becoming a Carer. My partner has epilepsy and vitamin B12 deficiency. At the time I was a supervisor on the night shift at Paddy Power. The pregnancy caused my partner to take more, and potentially harmful to the baby, seizures. I was having to leave work early and miss shifts We also got the diagnosis of Autisim, ADHD and Dyspraxia.

Paddy Power were brilliant and allowed me time off, stepping down as supervisor and onto a fixed shift pattern. Sadly this didn’t work out and we made the decision for me to leave work and become my stepson’s full-time carer.

The reactions of others…

To be honest I don’t tell people. With the exception of close friends. If I’m asked what I do for “work” I just reply Carer and they assume I work in a care home. I’m not sure if this is to avoid possible negative responses or more to do with the fact that I might still not have fully adjusted to the fact I no longer “work” for a living.

What my role as carer involves…

My role as his carer is no different than my role as his step father. With her Epilepsy and therefore Mr being able to drive it means I’m the main person who takes him to the many appointments he has. Occupational Therapy, Psychology, Behavioural Groups, Paediatrics to name a few. I will also be the main contact point for the learning support teacher at school.

The most challenging part of being a carer…

The most challenging thing is that you are on call 24 hours a day! I know this is true for all parents, but when Buddy (Alan’s biological son) goes to school there isn’t the thought “he was off form his morning, am I going to get halfway to the supermarket before I get a call that there’s been an incident and I have to turn around?”

There is also the mountain of paperwork that a child with additional needs generates. Ensuring that there is no double booking of appointments between him and anyone else in the family. Trying to fit them around the subjects he enjoys or needs extra help with and can’t afford to miss. As well as keeping on top of prescriptions, medicine for the school nurse or SNA to give him at 3pm.

The upsides…

The positives are that I’ve not missed a single sports event, school play, parents evening for any of the children. I’ve also seen every first. Step, tooth, word, day at pre school, Junior Infants and Secondary school. Many of which I’d have missed had I still been doing the job I was.

My support…

None whatsoever. It’s just the Mrs and I. My parents live in the US and we barely see her family, never mind get any help from them.

The thing that would make the biggest difference…

Finances. It’s a struggle making ends meet each month. My parents have seen the grandchildren a total of 4 times. They are too old to travel that far and it took 3 years of saving for us to afford to go over to see them.

My advice for other parents who are carers…

Find something that is just yours. An interest, hobby or a friend. I have twitter and my blog. I have a group of online friends that I chat to most days as well as a parenting group run by a number 1 best selling parenting book author! 😉

My partner has a couple of close friends, who also happen to have a child on the Spectrum or being assessed that she goes to for the chats and a cuppa.