Thursday, September 22, 2011

FUNNY JOKES AND STORIES

** True Story or Urban Myth? **

Doreen, aged 79, finished all the shopping on her weekly list at Walmart supermarket. She walked determinedly towards her car which she had left in the car park. There she saw four youths about to drive away in her car. Doreen became agitated and dropping her shopping to the ground, she drew a handgun from her bag and screamed as loud as her lungs would allow at the four miscreants, "I have a gun and I know how to use it. Get out of the car you horrible little men."

The four lads didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran helter-skelter as far away as they could, whereupon Doreen, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. As hard as Doreen tried she could not get her key into the ignition. Then it began to dawn on her why.

She came across her own car a few moments later in another row near by. Putting her bags now, into her own car, she drove hesitantly to the nearest Police Station. As Patricia was recounting the tale to the Duty Sergeant she wondered why he kept giggling and smiling. Eventually he pointed to the end of the counter where dear old dizzy Doreen saw four young lads, faces extremely pale, who were describing how a little old lady, some 5 foot tall, wearing glasses and with grey hair had stolen their car by waving a gun at them.

Doreen was not charged with anything.++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #157

**Will and Guy's Humour - Lawyer Jokes **

Lawyers are often the butt of jokes throughout the world. Here are some splendid examples, taken from stenographer's transcripts of real court cases.

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet.

Q: ... any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?

A: The victim lived.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q: What is your brother-in-law's name? A: Fowler

Q: What's his first name? A: I can't remember.

Q: He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?

A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Fowler). Derek, for goodness sake, tell them your first name.

Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?

A: He didn’t offer me anything; he just said I could have the furniture.

Q: What is your name? A: Geraldine McNally

Q: And what is your marital status? A: Fair

Q: Are you married? A: No, I'm divorced.

Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A: A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q: Mrs. Warren, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your solicitor? A: No. This is how I always dress when I go to work.

Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? A: No.

Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? A: Picking them up in the air.

Q: Where was the dog at this time? A: Attached to the ears.

Q: ...and what did he do then? A: He came home and next morning he was dead.

Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing? A: I could see his head.

Q: And where was his head? A: Just above his shoulders.

Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You, too, were shot in the fracas? A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q: Now, Mrs Brown, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death.

Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A: I will be three months November 8th.

Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? A: Yes.

Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.

Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself to you? A: Yes, she did.

Q: Who did she say she was? A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.

Q: I understand you're Donald Rowbotham’s mother. A: Yes.

Q: How long have you known him?

Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to impact. A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg.

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."