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Saturday, June 19, 2010

I Ain't One To Gossip, But....

Taking a page out of Catherine Zeta-I-Married-The-Cryptkeeper-Jones' play book--albeit a much younger page--forty-six-year-old Calista Flockhart finally married her father, sixty-eight-year-old Harrison Ford, star of Raiders Of The Tomb Of Women Young Enough To Be My Daughter.

New Mexico governor, Bill Richardson, performed the ceremony for MisMatch at the governors mansion in Santa Fe just this past Tuesday. Calista's son Liam--AKA Harrison's great-grandson--was also in attendance, along with the governor's official counsel.

Harrison said he looks forward to having someone help him take his teeth out each night, and Calista said she can't wait to be changing diapers again soon.....for her husband.

I kid.

I wish these two buckets of luck, because, when Calista turns sixty-eight, her husband will be ninety-years-young!

Moose Mama will be spitting wolf blood if this is true.But, and this is rich, rumor has it that abstinence-promoting-single-mom Bristol Palin and her nude-posing-fame-whoring-baby-daddy Levi Johnston are on again!That sound you hear is the roar of Sarah Palin's broomstick flying back to Alaska.A source--and by source I mean jealous girlfriend who has no life and wants some publicity for herself--close to Bristol reveals:"Bristol and Levi are still very close. Now that Mama Palin is out of the picture and Bristol is on her own in Anchorage, they spend more time together than most people think. Levi even stays overnight. I think they are back together."Uh oh.Bristol and Levi together.We know what this means.Unprotected sex and more babies.Poor Lindsay. poor pitiful crack-whore-SCRAM-bracelet-wearing-no-career Lindsay.She desperately wants to work, but most people, except those doing pseudo-porn films, won't hire her.And Lindsay is frantic. Frantic to be on HBO's True Blood. She's taken to appearing in front of the paparazzi carrying a bottle of Tru Blood beverage in the hopes that someone will see her and think, Yeah. Lindsay Lohan. Talented actress. We should hire her.Not.Even the people who are on True Blood don't want the Lindsanity. When asked if he thought True Blood producers would cast the wacktress, True Blood co-star, Ryan Kwanten said:"Not in the foreseeable future."Ouch.But that's Lindsay's career in a nutshell: not in the foreseeable future.I expected this of Zeta-Jones, but not of Scarlett.Apparently after winning their Antoinette Perry Awards last Sunday night neither Scarlett Johansson nor Catherine Zeta-I-Married-My-Grandfather-Jones could be bothered to stick around.Both ladies left the theater within minutes of winning their Tony's, and both ladies decided not to talk to the press about the show, or their awards, or what it's like having sex with a man old enough to be your father's father, eh, Catherine?In fact, both ladies stood still for roughly a nanosecond to be photographed with their trophies.ALLEGEDLY this behavior was somewhat expected. When the nominees were announced a few weeks ago, they were both invited to attend the announcement ceremony. Scarlett didn't even bother to show while Catherine Zeta-My-Ego-Is-As-Big-As-My-Husband's-Sex-Addiction-Issues-Jones would only speak to CNN and major West Coast news outlets.I expect diva-bitchitude from CZJ, but I am disappointed in Scarlett.

Tori Spelling, along with most of her body weight, has also misplaced her marbles.

It seems that Tori wanted to talk to her dear dead dad Aaron, and enlisted the aid of celebrity psychic, John Edward.

Instead, Farrah Fawcett apparently popped in for a chat. Perhaps Aaron was busy building the world's largest house in heaven. Tori says that Farrah was a friend, and neighbor, so it makes sense that when she asked for "Aaron" "Farrah" came to chat.

According to Tori, Farrah "wanted me to give a message to her family about how she was doing and what was going on" though Tori wouldn't disclose Farrah's message.

Still, she made sure to pass it on.

"I actually wrote a letter to Ryan O'Neal, [a]nd gave it to him so I was like, he's either going to think I'm completely crazy or he's going to say, 'Wow! Some of this makes sense,' because she gave very specific details of things to tell them."

Hmmm, I think Ryan thinks you're nuts.

He also thinks you should eat more.

And talk less.

Apparently Ashton Kutcher's new movie, Killers, didn't do as well as he'd hoped.

See, Ashton Kutcher took his grandmother, Demi Moore, to the movies over the weekend, to see Get Him to the Greek, but had some difficulty purchasing some Jujubes and Skittles.

It seems that Ashton had no money, and Demi only had her Social Security check, so Ashton pulled out his credit card, and, well, yeah.

DEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-nied.

But the theater manager, pleased to see a good grandson caring for his eighty-something-year-old grandma, took pity on the star and gave him all the free goodies he wanted.