finding paradise

That saying that goes like "I didn't fail, I just succeeded in finding 1,000 ways that don't work" is true. I been to a couple of different places around the map, lived with people I just can't see eye to eye with, and tried working jobs with people I just could not stand. Through all this, I had no clue where I wanted to live, what kind of job I want, or what kind of people would make good friends. But slowly, with all the stupid BS put behind me....I think I'm finally getting an idea of what I want from having experienced all sorts of things I don't want lol.

I think hell builds heaven for you, in other words, and not the other way around. For example, typing this right now, I can barely feel my fingers or toes, I need warm weather. Feeling lonely, be friendly to someone, etc. I know there's different responses to the same situation. You got your active problem solving response, your hopeless sad depressive response, the angry ain't take'n no mo bullshit response, and so on. I used to see living here as me being trapped and automatically sooo different from everyone else's life situation. But now, I just see it like one half of a puzzle that's urging me to solve it. The only difference being that if I do solve it, I can permanently change my life in a rather drastic way for the better.

I see places in my mind that call to me, I think about the types of people I want to get to know. I think about this person I kind of know that's like me and yet not quite like me now, who I want to become and am slowly becoming with practice. My art is even a puzzle like this, just almost but not quite what I want. And the saga continues......

I felt very lost in my life for a very long time, and asking myself exactly what you're asking yourself..where do I wanna be, what do I wanna be doing with my life, do I actually see ANYTHING in my life changing 5-10 years from now? I eventually got so depressed after so many years that I really stopped caring all together about my life..Even though depression isnt a good thing, it was because of it that changed my life forever. I just thought "fuck it, i'm throwing out everything, packing a few things I still want, and I'm moving"..I figured if something bad happens, who cares, infact I hope something bad DOES happen XD It may actually create something interesting in my antisocial life for a change, or open some wierd door for a greater opprotunity..and thats exactly what happened. It was awful, everything bad that could've happened pretty much did, and I couldnt be happier about it as wierd as that sounds XD Because I knew that when all of it blew over, something good will eventually come of it..it may be something big, something small, but something will come about it, and that was enough to get me a little excited, rather than sit around waiting for happiness and opprotunity to come knocking at my door after years and years..sometimes it doesnt work like that, sometimes its You who has to go searching...I thought it was impossible for me to get up and move somewhere else, when it was probably the easiest thing ever lol I just saved a tiny bit of cash (which I ended up losing anyways because the tiny hole in the wall I was supposed to be staying turned out to be a scam XD), and packed my crap..it was scary, but if you Really think about it, whats the worst that could happen? It doesnt work out and you have to come back to where you started? Whats there really to lose then ^_^I honestly cant tell you how familiar I am with feeling trapped..ending everything sounded like a much better option than waking up to the saaaaaaaaaaaaaame damn thing everyday XD But no matter what ANYONE tells you, or voices there own personal insecurities at you about "you shouldnt do that, what if this or that happens!", nobody knows what you want more for yourself than you, so if your heart is telling you something, do it, because your heart is probably right..and if its wrong, then..you're back in crappy cold weather XDXD All my friends and family told me "you cant do that, thats crazy, why would you do that, what if this or that happens, just stay here"...I love them all, but they had no idea how I really felt or what I was going through, but I listened to them anyways and ignored my heart, which just made things shittier XDSo yeah, I'ma stopped typing now because I'm sure you're annoyed of my wall of text at this point, but yeah XD Listen to yourself, and if worst comes to worse, you have to go back to cold mountain CO, or you come to Shitty PA and crash on my couch til you figure something else out XD ^_^

I felt very lost in my life for a very long time, and asking myself exactly what you're asking yours

Eehehe.. I wish I had something more productive to say then "Keep At It!" But.. you've got a good handle on figuring out things. I think you've figured by now being lonely because you're picky isn't bad at all.

Eehehe.. I wish I had something more productive to say then "Keep At It!" But.. you've got a good ha

I've been lucky in terms of where I've lived. I moved to Seattle nearly fifteen years ago with high school friends from the east coast and I've cobbled together something very like a life. I'm even down with the rain now as Nature's way of keeping us from being overrun by hordes of Californians.I hope you figure out your next move. To quote Sandman, "You don't have to stay anywhere forever".

I've been lucky in terms of where I've lived. I moved to Seattle nearly fifteen years ago with high

The stark reality is: those closest to it in this world often face hardships they themselves can not resolve. Marilyn Monroe's suicide is such an example. She had what most of us think we want, and took her own life despite that.

And THAT is the issue I most deal with, an issue that leaves me... rather lonely.

I didn't fail, I just found a 1000 ways to help confuse or alienate others to the point of not wanting to know me better.

I WISH there were a paradise, The stark reality is: those closest to it in this world often face ha