In the Pursuit of Authenticity…

“We are the girls with anxiety disorders, filled appointment books, five-year plans. We take ourselves very, very seriously. We are the peacemakers, the do-gooders, the givers, the savers. We are on time, overly prepared, well read, and witty, intellectually curious, always moving… We pride ourselves on getting as little sleep as possible and thrive on self-deprivation. We drink coffee, a lot of it. We are on birth control, Prozac, and multivitamins… We are relentless, judgmental with ourselves, and forgiving to others. We never want to be as passive-aggressive as our mothers, never want to marry men as uninspired as our fathers… We are the daughters of the feminists who said, “You can be anything,” and we heard, “You have to be everything.”

— Courtney Boulden “Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters”

Even though I know it’s going to be okay, sometimes I just need you to sit with me while I sit with my shit. I don’t need to hear how I’ll have options or be fine right now. I need to hear that it’s okay to be afraid, that I don’t have to be superwoman even though I somehow convinced myself that I so often have to put on a vest with an ‘S’ on my chest. I don’t want to be the girl that always gets it right or done in this moment. I want to be curled up with my fears because I still haven’t learned to let go of the pressure to be perfect and the striving in my soul is breaking my back right now.

No one ever tells you the downside to being a dreamer who specializes in doing. The late nights, depression, self-doubt, incomparable highs, lowest of lows, stress and excitement that goes into building your dreams often goes undiscussed. In this day and age of 140 character personalities and highlight reels of our lives, the pressure to be perfect and keep up with the Joneses while trying to do so effortlessly and in a way that sort of kinda feels true to you, can really weigh you down.

I don’t actually have my shit together.

I’m making this whole thing up as I go along, trying to find myself in a world that bombards me with what it thinks I should be and provides no space to carve out who I am. I’m terrified of not being good enough and worry that everything I’ve accomplished so far is a fluke. And, I’m always wondering does anyone else feel like this too?

Maybe we don’t talk about this stuff because we’re all scared and trying to figure it out. But, sis, the authenticity in me seeks the authenticity in you. And, even though it seems like every other 20-something is starting a business, has a successful blog or knows exactly what they want to do – I’m realizing it’s okay to walk in the fear, stumble, and figure it out along the way.

We don’t have to be those girls if we don’t want to. If we’re being honest with ourselves, we’d admit we probably aren’t anymore, even if we used to be. We don’t quite know what we are now and as we’re preparing for the next phase in our lives, we’re just along for the ride all the while praying, hoping, wishing, and waiting for the day it all makes sense…

The day we go from ‘that girl’ to ‘that woman’ and find ourselves fully grown into who we always wanted, thought we’d be.

May we progress authentically.

*Note: I don’t personally agree with every piece/example in the above quote, but it illustrated the attitude I wanted to speak to well.