I'm an adult now, so I don't wanna go back to the way it was before..There might be moments I'd like to go back to, but I don't want to go back to when I was still a kid.. I would hate to re-learn everything and remake all the relationships I have

I want to go back 2 years ago, before my Grandma got into an accident with a hit-and-run. I was living with only my grandma and she was still alive. Within those 2 years, I dropped out from school and started living along. My body was exhausted, but more than that, my mind was always exhausted. Whenever I look at the pictures and videos of my grandma, I just feel like I'm going mad. The memories with my grandma just keep coming back and I miss her so bad. It's just too hard. I'm 19 years old now, but I don't know how I'll be able to survive from now on. I really want to kill myself but I just keep thinking that I need to work hard and live because my grandma decided to leave before me