Thursday, May 05, 2005

None of the three main parties have demonstrated that they can address the issues that affect the Village, and it is time to let somebody else have a go.

Granted, their policy on Europe is probably wrong. But, as Mr Blair says, it would be foolish to allow a single issue to sway us into which way we vote.

UKIP is worried about immigrants coming here to take advantage of our precious local jobs and scarce Norfolk housing. “Say No to Unlimited Immigration” urges the leaflet of their candidate, Mr Michael Stone, who relocated to this region a few years back.

I’m not entirely sure their policy's quite right here, either.

No – there is one reason why you must go out today and vote for UKIP. And that is, it will be so funny to see the look on Robert Kilroy-Silk’s face as he discovers that they are to form the next government without him.

With your help, this can be the best practical joke that has ever been played in the country, ever. You might think that it is going to a lot of trouble, electing a government for five years just to annoy a satsuma-faced nobody, but honestly - it will be worth it.

There will be a sort of fixed grin as the first results come in, and then a wave of desperation and mania as it filters through that they are going to win and that he could have been Prime Minister but threw the chance away by walking out on the party and going it alone. Then people will probably start shouting at him, and he will have to make a speech conceding defeat which will be well worth watching. Perhaps somebody else will throw pig manure at him. (note to lawyers, this is just me wondering, I am not trying to incite anybody to do an illegal act). (Gloucester Old Spot is probably best and has a deeper brown stain).

Look, I am always reading in the Guardian that bloggers are the most powerful people in the world today, ever. And if they can single-handedly win for Mr Bush then they can also do it here. So it is in your hands. If UKIP win today then I will know that the blogging phenomenon is credible and has finally come of age, and that as kingmaker I am the most powerful man really in the UK. (But I promise to use my power wisely and not for evil).

If they do not then I will know that you do not care and are really only interested in stories about getting drunk and jokes about poo.