In 2009, I learned that there was no realistic way my best friend would ever be able to become a father -- his greatest desire in life. I decided then that I would offer to be a surrogate for him (which didn’t sound realistic at the time). A year later, I made that offer. He accepted, and in Nov. 2011 I got pregnant.

I’m writing this blog because I’m not the typical surrogate. For one, in the terms of the trade, I’m an altruistic traditional surrogate (I’m unpaid and the egg is mine) with a totally open arrangement with the dads. Most importantly, though, this is my first pregnancy (NO ONE thinks this is a good idea; most surrogates already have their own kids).

Also, we’re all gay, so this is going to be the gayest baby ever.*

- The Deputy

*Except for the children of those many, many other sets of three or more gays who decided to combine their powers to procreate...

February 25, 2013

C-section woes

I was really upset about having a c-section. From the moment Hottie Midwife first said the word till right now, I've been upset about it. Not only was I really upset about the c-section itself, but it sent me into months of soul searching over WHY I was so upset about it, which was probably more annoying than the c-section itself.

Let me first share with you some of the reasons I considered, which I have since realized were NOT, in fact, bothering me:

1) I secretly believe there is something wrong with women who have c-sections
- They are cowards
- They trust medicine more than their bodies
- They are divas who need to schedule the birth of their child so they don't miss their hair appointment

WHOA WHOA WHOA!!!!! Did I really consider for a while that I might be enough of a stupid bitch to believe these things? Yeah, for a little bit, but I know enough women who've given birth all kindsa ways for all kindsa reasons to know this isn't true.

2) I was angry at my body for having failed me

This is what people kept telling me. "Oh honey, I understand, lots of women feel like their body failed them. But it didn't, it didn't" Huh? What? Oh, yeah no... I know. I totally get it, but I didn't feel this way at all. My body and me were victims together, here.

3) I was looking forward to experiencing natural birth

I mean I guess... but any amount of anticipation I had was negated by FEAR. We're raised to be terrified of giving birth! It's fucking scary! A baby! Out your vagina! AAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!! And anyway I still can, after all, and I plan on having kids eventually.

4) I was afraid of surgery

Nope. The second I got over the fact that it was going to happen, I started chit chatting with the doctors and was fine with the surgery itself. Trusted those darn hospital people completely.

Now that we know what was not bothering me, let's consider what might have been bothering me:

1) It's perverse

I was doing something natural and normal (well at least on some level!) for my friends, and all of a sudden it was a whole ORDEAL. It's not the way it was supposed to be, and my id said, "NO! WRONG!" Simple as that.

2) It's hard to celebrate after major abdominal surgery

I know, I know. The recovery sucks after ALL manners of giving birth, but I can't help but feel that it takes you a little longer to go hit up the bars after a c-section than after vaginal birth. And that's all I wanted to do! I wanted to celebrate a job well done! I wanted to go out with my friends, raise a glass of cider and say "FUCK YEAH!" and having a c-section meant I had to wait longer.

3) That fucking scar

This wasn't one of my initial concerns. I know this because it took me a while to even realize the scar would be permanent. A part of me thought they could cut through six layers of tissue, sew it all back together and it would heal up like a scraped knee. The scar's pretty subtle for a giant gash, and it doesn't bother me much itself. On some level, though, it feels like a sign of failure. My pride was hoping I'd accomplish this unscathed and this, well... it's a scathing.

The recovery did suck. I felt like fucking shit for quite a while. People would ask me how I was feeling and I'd say "uuuggghhhhh, awful!" and they would shrink back looking terrified. My girlfriend explained this to me: "Stop telling people you feel bad!" she said. To which I replied "Why? I feel like shit!" "People are asking about giving up the baby! Not your body!" Ahhh. Yep, I scared a few -- but honestly what did they expect? I'd had MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY!

Well I'm healed up now and working out again, getting ready for the Spring rugby season like nothing happened. Despite how the c-section made me feel, I really did make it out unscathed.

2 comments:

I think when ANYTHING in life doesn't work out the way you planned, you have to allow yourself time to grieve. Typically women are told "well at least you have a healthy baby!" As if that is some sort of consolation prize for being cut open. Or as if they're telling you your feelings are unjustified. But as a surrogate all you have to keep with you is your experience! So get pissed, write it down, talk to women who understand. ICAN has chapters all over the country for women that have had c-sections. You did an AMAZING thing. Grieve the loss of your natural birth, but look at the family you created with pride. YOU made that possible. You conceived and carried a human being! Regardless of the path she took to exit your body, you are WOMAN!!! Hear you roar!!!! :)

I love your break down analysis here. Brilliant. I already know it would mean a therapists office for me if I had to have a c-section. No bueno. You are a stud for bravely facing it and for what you have done for your friends!