Penn Satire, Since 1899

The 5 Things I'm Looking Forward To Today

Well, I just woke up and we all know that means: another day of life. And just like that 6th bowl of Life cereal I eat every night, enough is enough already. I get it. By now, I have a pretty good idea of how this day is going to unfold, so without further ado here are

The Five Things I’m Looking Forward To Today:

1. Watching TV.
As soon as I accomplish the bare minimum of activities to successfully get me through the day without anyone important getting too disappointed in me or yelling at me, I will retreat to my room, take off any clothes that aren’t elastic, and lose myself in a world where every joke is met with the sound of people almost killing themselves laughing and every disastrous problem resolves itself in half-an-hour. This will be a welcome reprieve from my own existence, where eating an entire bucket of salt-water-taffy can sometimes take up to 4 hours, and jokes are met either with a period of excruciating silence or people actually killing themselves.

2. Being Better than Somebody Else.
This one goes against everything I learned in Church, but like Paul said in his fourth letter to the Corinthians, “Hey Corinthians, nice job writing the Bible. Oh wait, that was me.” Whether it’s watching some Wharton genius pull on a glass door that clearly says “push”, or watching some Art History major have a sloppy make-out sesh with that same glass door, something will come along that will remind me that even though I’ve been wearing the same pair of sweatpants for five days straight, things could be worse.

3. Honey Barbecue Chips.
This one’s pretty self-explanatory, but it turns out there are actually companies that will thinly slice and fry potatoes then cover them in a delicious “honey-barbecue” flavored powder—or, in the case of Cheetos, orange crack. Then, you can buy them for as little as $.99 per bag, for a grand total of $5.94 per illegally downloaded episode of 30 Rock.

4. A Brief Moment of Purpose, Engagement, Happiness and Fulfillment.
There’s no telling when this little sucker will sneak up on me, but it usually involves something like me helping an old lady carry her cat into the vet’s office, or, if I’m wearing sneakers, running off with some old lady’s cat while laughing hysterically.