Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

Life goes on. We read. We write. We’re happy. We hurt. And yet, we’re lucky enough to wake up in the morning – no matter the emotional condition. We agonize over that. We ache for what could have, should have been, but isn’t or isn’t what we thought, what we wanted, what we imagined. Be careful what you wish you for. I no longer have enough fingers to count the number of times I’ve thought it, said it and felt it.

I started this post a month ago, and as I’ve re-read the following, it is relevant today too, so I’ll keep it and add from there.

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So here I am. 3/17/2011. A year ago today, MM was with his (ex) wife, back from a weekend in Mexico, celebrating her 40th birthday because the spa certificate wasn’t good enough for her and she had posted pictures of her “awesome 40th” on Facebook extolling the great time they had; MM sent me emails during the weekend talking about how much sleep he was getting as he hadn’t been feeling well during the week (liar); MM and I had plans to get together unbeknownst to anyone but us — the first time since 12/4/09 on 3/18/10. And let’s not forget that he couldn’t see me or speak with me, publicly that is, while he was “working through things.” It still burns me to think about that. At what point will I be able to let it go? Will I ever be able to let it go? I don’t know the answer to that.

So, a year ago tomorrow, MM and I were meeting at a diner halfway between where he lives and where I live. He wasn’t wearing his wedding band for the first time ever with me (ah, the fucking ring 😉 ) and despite all the water under the bridge, it felt like no time had passed. I burned with anger, with passion, with resolve. I wanted to slap him, kiss him, kill him, make love to him. The day after our meeting, he told his wife that he wanted to separate. She agreed. He felt guilty. I can relive every second, every feeling, every thought as if it were yesterday. Yet it a year ago.

Tomorrow, MM/BF is coming to my town and bringing his kids, for the weekend. Quite the dichotomy. I was speaking to MM/BF’s son this evening and he asked me when I was going to be his step mother. He told me that he would like that very much. He thinks that I’m nice. That was sweet. I told him that I think he’s nice too. I can’t answer his question.

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MM/BF has been having panic attacks lately. About money, life, stress, work, etc. Bad enough that when he was here, the attack was so bad that we went to the emergency room of a local hospital. Nothing like sitting in a psych ward on a Sunday. He walked out with a couple of prescriptions and with a warning to see his doctor.

Yes, the stress of the past year has gotten to him. In fact, the stress of the past 45 years has finally caught up with him. No big surprise. I confess that I find it difficult to garner sympathy for someone having a panic attack. Why can’t you just “psych yourself out of it?” I know that’s not possible, but I wonder about it none the less.

The stress: about getting fired, getting caught, getting hired, getting fired, getting divorced. Boo hoo. I’ve been under a lot of stress too and haven’t had panic attacks. Why not? Where do they come from? Why can’t he control them? Why do I always have to be the strong one? Why do I have to take care of everything?

MM/BF came to my town, with his kids, for most of their spring break. I got to see first hand, for an extended period of time, how he deals with life. Quite interesting to say the least. I was the one that disciplined his kids; I was the one that made the daily decisions – what to do, where to go, what to eat, when to bathe, etc., etc. As for his kids – MM/BF and I had a long, painful conversation. What I said to him was – you moved out in December 2010, your kids did not become this way in 4 months. You had 11 years in the same house with them and your now ex-w. Where were you as a father? Where were you as a parent? What were you doing? What were you thinking about? It wasn’t a good conversation. He cried. I didn’t comfort him. We all live with the choices and decisions we make. Luckily with children, every day is a chance to change and make a difference. Why didn’t it bother him that he didn’t have a co-parent or a partner to help him parent? Why did he completely abdicate control? If your wife was spanking the kids and you didn’t approve, why did you allow it to happen, no matter how often or infrequently? Why didn’t you stop her? Why did you just shrug your shoulders and look the other way? Parenting is hard work and while rewarding, isn’t always fun. You don’t get to be “uncle daddy” and think that everything is going to be okay.

I sat his kids down, with my younger kid as there was some fighting going on. We had a “talk it out” that I conducted in a fairly strict or rigid way – giving everyone a chance to speak, to not speak over the other person and for all of us to come up with a solution. It was successful.

MM/BF told his shrink that he had spent his adult life and his parenting life married to someone who was not an adult, someone who could never have controlled the situation and done what I had done. Enough bashing of the ex-w. What I want to know is — where was he? What was he doing?

I don’t want to be a parent to his kids. It’s exhausting enough parenting my own as a single mother. It’s hard enough stressing out about work (or lack thereof), my ex’s bad behavior, unemployment without worrying about him. I’m tired.

MM/BF and I are in the same niche industry. He recently applied for a job that I would have liked to apply for. I gratuitously told him to go ahead, even though he has a job and I don’t. Without thinking about how this would really effect me, he went ahead and applied. I have vacillated about submitting my own application. I spoke to him about it and he told me to apply and that he didn’t mind. I don’t see a good outcome out of that application. In fact, the only positive outcome I see is for him not to get the job. If we both applied and I got it, he would resent me; if he got, I would resent him. If I don’t apply and he gets it, I will forever wonder – what if. It’s not a good position to be in. I’m losing sleep over it. What if?

It sure doesn’t sound like this is the guy you want. I got divorced, as did my MM and after a year of being divorced (we’d been together 2 1/2), he unceremoniously dumped me – his fiancee and soulmate – at the holiday, saying he “had to be alone”. Six weeks later he was sleeping with a new woman. Less than 5 months later, he’s living with this new girlfriend. The fairy tale is just that. I really thought my story was the exception. How wrong I was. I have decided I’m not ready to be in another relationship, as lonely and heartbroken and jealous as I am. So all those “plenty of men” will just have to wait. It’s hard but it will probably be the best thing I’ve ever done for myself, except for ending my marriage. I follow your journey and do wish you luck and love. But don’t settle for something that isn’t making you happy.