Daddy Issues

By
Jessica Knoll

May 02, 2013

"William?" I knocked on the door to his office.

Without looking up from his computer or turning around to face me, William said, "Uh-huh?"

"Um," I took a step further into his office. "I just wanted to talk to you about those proposals. But I can come back later if this is a bad time." I'd been trying to "pop into" William's office for three days now. Every time, he either wasn't there, or he was on the phone, his feet up on his desk and a glass of scotch in his hand like he was freaking Don Draper or something.

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William finally spun around in his chair. "Come on in."

I sat down in the chair in front of his desk and started talking, quickly. I'd learned that William didn't have much of an attention span, so I had to keep whatever I said short and to the point. "You asked me to keep an eye out for things that my friends would want to read. And they'd want to read this." I pushed the proposal from the sidekick actress across his desk towards him. William picked it up and flicked his eyes over it.

"She is one odd looking bird," he muttered.

"Well, I think that's part of the appeal," I said. "I don't want diet and exercise advise from a, um, Jessica Alba type. It's like she's so beautiful she's in a realm I'll never reach. Her I can relate to."

"Oh, come on, you didn't exactly lose the genetics lottery." William winked at me and I turned purple.

Shit. Steer this conversation away from yourself. "I'm telling you, we're living in an era where the average girl is now more marketable than the gorgeous girl. Look at Lena Dunham. Mindy Kaling. Those are the women my friends like. They make fun of Gwyneth Paltrow and her GOOP blog. It's pretentious."

William raised his eyebrows and nodded, like I had made a good point. It gave me the courage to say, "I see it as The Lazy Girl Guide to Health and Fitness." I waited for William to tell me I'd nailed it. That I was brilliant. That I was promoted to associate effective immediately. Instead he wrinkled his nose.

"Yech," he scoffed. "Guide to Health and Fitness sounds so antiquated. 'Lazy Girl' isn't terrible, but who wants to be lazy?"

I raised my hand, tentatively. "I do. I want to be lazy and still be healthy and look good. That's the point."

"Knock, knock!" Rang out a voice from behind me. I swiveled in my chair and then nearly fell out of it. Elizabeth was standing there, her hand on her pregnant belly.

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything," she said as she strode into the room. It took all of my willpower not to tell her that she was, in fact, interrupting. And not just this meeting but my entire life!

"Never!" William stood and greeted Elizabeth with a hug. AND THEN! A kiss on the lips. Not a friendly peck, either. It was an open-mouthed, albeit church-wedding appropriate kiss.

William patted Elizabeth's belly. "How's Baby Bradford?"

Elizabeth looked right at me and smiled as she said, "Oh, he's kicking away. How are you, Josie?"

"I'm good." The words sounded like they'd come out of someone else's mouth.

"I keep forgetting you two know each other," William said. "What a small world."

My mind was churning too quickly for me to give an appropriate response. William Bradford was the father of Elizabeth's baby? One, gross. And two, what the frack? Why would she want me to work for her baby daddy who is notorious for messing around with his assistants? It didn't make any sense.

Elizabeth looked at the antique gold Rolex on her wrist and said, "We're going to miss our reservation."

William grabbed his coat from the rack in the corner and stuffed his meaty arms into it. I suddenly realized I was just sitting there, anchored to my chair, and this was my cue to leave.

"We can discuss this more once I'm back from lunch," William said, nodding at the proposal on his desk.

"Sure." I scurried ahead of them.

"Good to see you, Josie," Elizabeth called after me.

"You too!" You total psycho, I added in my head.

I sat down at my desk and stared at my computer screen in a daze, trying to make sense of what just happened. Richard, one of my new co-workers, even waved his hand in front of my face and said, "Anybody home?" I gave him a weak smile.

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Peter had assumed that Elizabeth used a sperm donor to get pregnant. I wouldn't put anything past Elizabeth at this point—it was entirely possible she had turkey basted herself and that she was lying to William about the baby being his for whatever reason…money? To force him into marrying her? But Elizabeth has her own family money and even though she is a quilted Chanel bag full of crazy, she's beautiful and she could do a lot better than some average looking bald guy with a penchant for barely legal assistants. Then again, it was also possible the baby really was William's. Either way, she's sleeping with a man she pushed me to work for, and I can't for the life of me figure out why.