The Bachelorette Finale: Whom Did Ashley Pick — Ben or JP?

Here is what we learned from this season on “The Bachelorette.” It is never sexy to watch someone take a mud bath. Dog voices should never be aired in public. Your older sister is always right.

Also, let us now pause and remind ourselves: it’s a show. A show which does not have the highest rate of long-term love success. We hope that it all works out and everyone is happy happy but don’t go purchasing that registry present yet.

At the beginning of The Choice, Ashley is in a quandary. She has the burning passion for JP. But Ben is fun! Whom should she choose? (Come on now, at her age? You know it’s not going to be the fun guy.) First she must discuss with her family, Ermm, looking at her family, the song “one of these things is not like the other,” is going through my head. Her sister, Chrystie, has full sleeves and chest tats. We are unfazed by her tattoos, maybe because we live in Philadelphia and have watched other reality shows. Her brother and her step-father seem like cool, laid-back dudes.

By the way, there are four hours of Ashley tonight. Two hours of finale. One hour of “After the Rose.” And then she’s on Jimmy Kimmel. It’s TV sugar shock.

Her sister gives JP the grilling. Wow, Ashley’s sister is not playing. I like her sister. I bet she gets Buffy references and uses sarcasm. The mom and the sister don’t think JP is the one and that Ashley is too young and JP is… demure? Wow. That’s not good. We think your dude is demure? Is Ashley drinking Kahlua and creme?

Chrystie sits down with JP and says he’s too old for her. Now JP is all pissy. There is a lot of sullen stomping. It’s not fair!

Ashley and her sister have a big fight on the pier. Chrystie basically said, you’re an adult, make your choice, I don’t like him. We vote for her sister as the next Bachelorette.

Lots of vacillating here. Now Ash is smitten with Ben! Maybe Ben is the guy! I guess her sister gets to choose her husband as Ashley has no actual spine. OMG Ben and Ashley both do the dog voice. I cringe. But Chrystie likes Ben and Ashley together and thinks they have a shared connection. Also, he looks like Josh Groban. Girls with tattoos love them some Groban.

Ben and Ashley go to a healing mud bath, with a lot of close-ups of Ashley’s butt. Blugggghh, ewww. it’s like bad porn, the rubbing each other up with mud. Too much! Too much! Back in his room and with a lot of showering, Ben tells her he loves her, even though it appears she’s wearing acid-washed jean shorts. He says he got the parental/sibling permission for the proposal. Why did he say that now? Now we won’t be surprised. (<– sarcasm.) There are schmoochies.

Now it’s time for Bambi’s date with JP. He’s not a happy dude. The veins are a popping on his bald head. He’s not sure what she feels. He says he’s ready to start a new life together. Which is what Brad said to Emily, no? JP totally loves Ashley too! More schmoochies with guy number 2. Now she’s smitten by JP!

Ben, JP, Ben, JP. Just frigging choose. I can’t take the melodramatic perkiness of it all. The boys choose rings. The rings are sparkly.

Ashley is happy that everything happened. She goes and waits in a fake natural wood and flower circle by the ocean. The men fly in by sea plane.

Two men enter. One man leaves with bitter feelings toward scripted reality shows. Ben wants to thank her for allowing him to feel vulnerable, so that she can CRUSH him like a tiny tiny bug. He gets down on one knee and proposes. And then, there’s the pause. A very, very long pause. Oh even though some of us are bitter and jaded and cynical, you can’t help but feel bad for the guy. Ashley tries to be all “this is the hardest thing” and Ben, to his credit, cuts her off and says “I guess that’s it, right?” and bails. Good for him.

Ashley chases after him and tries to make herself feel better. Why did you LET HIM PROPOSE if you were going to say no. Seriously.

This is why we are not a fan of Ashley and most people who wear rose-colored glasses all the time. You don’t love him. You just hurt him. It’s not going to end with everyone happy and you can’t pretend that it’s all fine.

Ben is great and tells her to stop sugar coating it and there’s no way to end it on good terms.

“Good things don’t end unless they end badly,” he says. Wow. That was actually a good line. In by sea plane, he’s demoted to small motorboat as he leaves.

JP zooms on in. He’s an open book and what he wants. But his biggest fear is falling in love with her and having his heart broken. He’s thinking about forever and not here, in this forced situation. Yeah, yeah, she’s the one. JP gets down on a knee and proposes and she says yes. More schmoochies.

That is a very sparkly ring. But really, I sort of fell into Ben’s corner (ok, I was really in Ames corner, but still.)

And we end with.. REO Speedwagon’s “Can’t Fight This Feeling?” It’s like the bad cringing mud bath all over again.

We’re off to the “after the rose” ceremony.

What do you think? Did she make the right pick? Why or why not? Leave your thoughts in the comments. And stop complaining about tattoos.

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