Ecclestone appointed as Justice Czar: New crime tariffs announced

Bernie Ecclestone is to lead a ‘modernised’ justice system, with cash penalties rather than time in jail as the deterrent. ‘It works in every walk of life’, he told journalists. ‘If you ask a plumber to change your bath for one with thicker gold plating, he doesn’t put you in jail, he sends you a bill’.

‘We should do the same with crime. Okay, if somebody can’t pay or won’t pay, then he should be locked up. But after a while it will just be the thick criminals who get locked up, the smart ones will be out there, contributing to the exchequer like the good citizens they are’.

He added: ‘We need to properly incentivise crime, let the successful criminals expand. And it would pay for more coppers to catch the criminals, resulting in a virtuous cycle of more chargeable offences leading to more taxes leading to higher conviction rates and so on. I foresee a day when the whole country is just criminals and coppers, and we’ll all be rich enough to own an F1 car. Beautiful.’