I'm new here Issues with disassociation

Hi I'm Art I'm new here but I have had PTSD for several years. I have PTSD from a combination of several different traumatic events that have taken place in my life not just one event. I am a survivor of sexual abuse as a child, a rape survivor, a car accident survivor, the survivor of an armed robbery and the survivor of a natural disaster. I get nightmares and flashbacks from the different traumatic events that I have been through. Something that happens to me because of my PTSD is my voice changes to sound like a 5 year old girl sometimes and when that happens I am not aware of it unless other people make me aware of it. I can not hear it when I talk like I am 5 and i don't do it on purpose i have no control over it . I am 40 years old so it is very noticeable to people when I start talking like a 5 year old. This is part of disassociation with PTSD and it happens because I was traumatized as a child starting at the age of 4 or 5 when my voice changes to sound like somone of that age. I am in therapy and my therapist is going to try to work with me on this issue but it is difficult to work on because I don't know when it is happening. It is almost like I have split personalities because of this drastic change that takes place but I don't have multiple personalities. or DID. I have Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, Generalized Anxiety Disorder,Boderline Personality Disorder and PTSD. I am stable on my medication and doing well with my Psych care.

Hi Art. Welcome to the forum. Hope the peer support helps to round out what sounds like an effective therapy plan that is already underway.

If it were possible to get all my psych charts into a single file, the file would read like a shrink smorgasbord. I haven't bothered to learn all the dx'es on those charts. Doesn't matter. Most of the names have changed, anyway.

Several of my own shrinks spotted a similar maturity shift in my own voice and body language when I was in my 20's and 30's. The shrink who actually acted on the observation introduced me to "Inner Child Therapy." Her theory was that the child shift was happening in conjunction with the triggering of my most repressed memories. We started plying exercises to drawing out the child who was attempting to be heard. At least, I think that's what we were doing. I never did find a comfortable grasp with the inner child theories. Still, the trying heightened my awareness of when and how some of my more irrational mood swings/dissociation were happening.

Hello Art, and welcome. I don't think you have to be in the state of talking like a 5 year old to work on it. That 5 year old self is with you all the time, and you can talk to her all the time, explaining to her your current situation and how you are keeping her safe now. This is called "updating", a term from internal family systems. I believe we all have child parts. Not everyone will talk in a child's voice, but for example, I can clearly recognize the childlike feelings and thoughts that arise in me, and I respond to them as if I were that child's parent, soothing or reassuring her as needed. I have found this to be very healing.

Hi everyone thank you for all of your comments and words of encouragement they have been very helpful. Thank you for welcoming me to the group and making me feel at home here. I have gotten some good feedback on how to deal with my inner child and the damage that has been done to me. I am glad I found this place. A place with other people going through PTSD that understand some of the things I am going through. I am getting some good therapy now and I have been in therapy for a while. I have completed some previous therapy programs but now I am specifically working on Trauma. I am on the care of a therapist and a Psychiatrist. And I am on medication to treat my mental illness. I am stable on my medication and doing well. I do have medical problems to deal with as well as mental health issues so I am no longer able to work and I am on Disability.

This actually sounds exactly like dissociative identity disorder. When you don't recognize that you speak in that voice, when you say you cannot hear it....that is you lacking your observing ego...which is a red flag for DID. The little girl identity could possibly be a part of your dissociated ego state. Have you done any hypnosis therapy? It is often through hypnosis that these other ego states or fragments of self come out. Do you also tend not recall things or have lapses in memory? Are parts of your childhood seemingly non-existent in your memory? With severe trauma that can be the case but it's not a necessary trait to have for a diagnosis of DID. What you have to understand is that dissociative identity disorder isn't always blatant as is portrayed in the media. Most people with dissociative identity disorder do not switch personalities and act out in a drastic manner. Those are just the extreme cases. In order to truly understand DID I recommend you to read a book called "The Myth of Sanity: Divided Consciousness and the Promise of Awareness" by Martha Stout. It's a fascinating read and you won't be able to put it down. The author talks about all the various facets of dissociation as well as dissociative identity disorder. She gives easy to understand examples of the various ways that a person can have DID and each example looks unique and different... depending on the level of suffering and trauma which occured in childhood. Also know that DID is often misdiagnosed and that not every therapist is experienced enough to catch it. There is a case in the book that resembles what you mention. If I can find it I'll add it here.

Thank you for your detailed comment Getbacktoserentity. I do not have DID but what I have is very similar to it. It has been explained to my the differences between what is going on with me and what goes on with someone that has DID. I actually have a friend that I went to therapy with that has DID and it is quite different. I don't have blocked or repressed memories I remember everything that happened to me. Sometimes I wish I could forget it. However when I talk like I am 5 I still act and think like my adult self the only thing that changes is my voice my closest family members have told me about it. The book you are telling me about sounds very interesting. I have to check that out. My therapist told me that the reason I regress to the 5 year old girl voice is because of my PTSD at the age of my trauma and something triggers it. I do know what some of those triggers are things that make me feel threatened or remind me of my trauma and make me scared will cause me to talk like that. but sometimes when I am happy and doing something childlike and playful I can talk like that. When I am shy in front of people I talk like that. The only thing is that I can't hear it and don't know when it is happening but I don't lose my memory during that time.

Hello Art and welcome. I have the pain of also remembering my traumas, and they effect my ability to be in the moment at times when triggered. When talking with my therapist about the inability to remember the instances that were not traumatic, I go along with her that I may have been too hyper-vigilant to properly experience , notice in detail and encode those in my memory. They are there just set in an disordered form, so not easily accessible. My life included varied experiences that were from different sources.
I hope you stick around this is one of the pages that is active and does cover a lot as far as trauma related experiences, processing, coping and recovery.
J.

I understand regression, I am the same way. Recently I went to see my dentist in order to get a wisdom tooth pulled and I began to talk in a childlike voice because I was triggered by fear. The thing is... I couldn't really control it. It seemed to be the autopilot response in that particular moment. I was only partially aware of it because my mind was still focused mainly on anticipation of pain. And shortly after getting my tooth pulled, there was a moment of full amnesic dissociation where I didnt remember what the dentist told me about the prescription which he handed to me. The embarrassing part is that I went to a pharmacy in order to get the prescription...only to get a call from my dentist soon after suspiciously asking if he had correctly stated that it was not a prescription but simply a run down of what basic over the counter pain meds I could take. So now my dentist suspects something is up and Im quite embarrassed to go back.

As for other forms of regression, I consciously regress at home and act like a silly kid. Thankfully my husband is ok with it, and sometimes joins along in the silliness. The regression is a coping mechanism and I often crave to have those moments...because to me they signify an internal sigh of relief. When I regress its as if I have a different persona but I am aware of myself and how I am acting...the reason I do it is because it gives me immense peace and a feeling of letting go of anxiety. I literally feel like a kid in those moments and it gives me the greatest feeling of calm. Not sure if you can relate to any of this.

As for the possibility of having DID, in the past I would forget a lot...but I was also taking psychiatric meds and smoking marijuana as a teen...so it could have clouded my mind. But I remember forgetting daily things..forgetting what I did the previous day, having to really think about it for a while. It was also a time of trauma and internal turmoil. Not sure if I might have DID but I have suspected it in myself. I just though it was strange but still in the possible realm of "normal"...now looking back it doesnt seem to be so normal. I had a friend who stated certain things to me, how I was abusive to her....and it truly completely slipped out of my memory. It was as if she was accusing me of something that I didnt do. I remember vaguely a feud that we had at one point but I never expected to have been so vicious to her. A lot of details seemed to have slipped out of my memory. I am not sure if a combination of anti-psychotics along with cannabis can create such lapses in memory.

Hi, welcome Art. I'm no doctor and will not try to be one. It sounds like you know what is going on and you are confident in your diagnosis. I can say I disassociate a lot and also work with my inner parts. I believe what you are experiencing is a part and its natural to an extent for us to act or behave differently for each circumstance or different people we come in contact with. Some bring out the playful side of us and some bring out the protector or adult side. Its a work in progress for me also. It sounds to me when you talk in the five its some sort of protection mode in being hypervigilant as Jewels said. Again, no doctor here, just from my own experiences. I wish you well in your healing.

So this is my first time flying alone since the 80's and 1st time flying with my service dog so a bit nervous. I just don't want a hassle. I have all my paperwork and called the US airline (flying from Canada and then switching planes) and they gave me inconsistent information so to be safe, I am bringing every document. Going to vet tommorow for final "health check". NOt sure why I am so...

Feeling how my childhood of all forms of abuse and my abusive marriage has fucked my current life and future. Feel like dying. I am sorry. Therapist tried to help me understand my shitty past. Apparently if I look critically I am not garbage even if I feel that way and want to die.

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