Head of the National Assembly security Pierre Duchesnes stands by the decision, noting that “if it can be used to stab, to me it’s a knife.” Explaining why he’s routinely cutting his steak with his car keys.

“It’s a safety measure that’s been long due” noted one Assembly member, a survivor of the great paper-cut outbreak of ’79 through his bubble-wrap facemask. “Children, like adults, cannot be trusted with any sharp objects.” the member conceded that the conversion to safety scissors and pre-used crayons (duller colours only) will likely cause a drop in the efficiency rating of Quebec schools; however, he expects a favourable decrease in pokings, proddings and pony-tail cuttings, as well as an increase in the colourful whimsy and overall waxy-ness of student essays.

Hearings will resume later this week. Assembly security officials advise anyone with long finger-nails, brightly coloured eyes and/or an acuminous wit will be turned away at the door.