Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Your son may be your favorite choir boy, but you know he’s been bad. He’s been skipping his music lessons, trashing hotel rooms, and giving Santa a hot foot was the final straw.

But what are you to do? You can’t beat the child, and even yelling at him is no longer in vogue.

However, in the tradition of the Tabard of Shame, there is one way you can humiliate him in public this holiday season and get nothing but praise for it. Knit him a really ugly, badly fitting Christmas sweater. A sweater that not only says, “I love you,” but also says, “If you don’t shape up, I’m buying you the matching lederhosen and enrolling you in Christmas Band Camp.”

And if he still won’t listen, you can always threaten to doll him up like one of these dudes:

For the complete pattern (and additional humiliation):

THE FIRST NOEL SWEATER

SIZES: Directions are for size 8. Changes for sizes 10 and 12 are in parentheses.

Pattern Notes: When changing colors, pick up new strand from under dropped strand. Carry unused colors across loosely. When more than 5 sts between sts of same color, twist yarns every 3 sts. Cut and join colors as needed. White sts can be worked in duplicate st.

Well, in Whoville, they say, you could hear her “BAH HUMBUG!” from three miles away. Pine trees shriveled up, pigeons dropped dead in the streets, and Christmas was cancelled.

FRONT: Beg at lower edge, with No. 4 needles and A, cast on 80 (86 – 92) sts. Work in twisted ribbing for 2 1/2’’, inc 4 sts evenly spaced across last row – 84 (90 – 96) sts. Change to No. 7 needles and stockinette st. Work to top of Chart 1, 2, 3 or 4. Continue with A until piece measures same as back to underarm.

If you want this pattern to make any musical sense, you’ll have to make all four variations. Then you’ll need to round up four children, stuff them into the sweaters, and force them to stand in a row, just like the Von Trapp children.

Shape Cap: Bind off 6 sts at beg of next 2 rows. Dec 1 st each side every other row 14 (15 – 16) times – 24 sts. Bind off 3 sts at beg of next 4 rows. Bind off remaining 12 sts, knitting tog the first 2 and last 2 sts.

Just tell the children that these aren’t band uniforms. No, they’re cool, retro costumes for a trendy Flash Mob.

FINISHING: Sew shoulder, side and sleeve seams. Sew in sleeves.

Neckband: From right side, with No. 4 dp needles and A, pick up and k 84 (88 – 92) sts around neck edge. Work in twisted ribbing for 1 3/4. Bind off loosely in ribbing. Turn neckband 3/4’’ to wrong side, sew in place.

Before the brats know what hit them, they’ll be helplessly Do-Re-Mi-ing for hours! And you’ll have a recording you can use to blackmail them into good behaviour for years to come.

Okay, this particular “Flash Mob” actually consisted of 200 professional dancers hired to promote a show for a Belgian TV station. But just think of how well these sweaters and some lederhosen would fit right in!

With Julie Andrews on your side, you can sing “So Long, Farewell” to boyhood bad behaviour.

6 comments:

Well, I am not gonna ask if your gonna make that shy son of yours the sweater...I am afraid too. LOL I loved that video it made me smile for some reason!! Maybe something is wrong with me...hmmmmm... :-)

What madness is this?

This blog is the result of a near OCD compulsion to transcribe - and mock! - vintage patterns, ads, and other odds and sods. And you, dear reader, are the fortunate beneficiary.

Every month you will discover new patterns from the past century. These are the vintage gems that generations of women have inflicted upon husbands, children and themselves.

You are cordially invited to recreate these products of subconscious hostility and not-so-passive aggression. Send photos of the results to victoriadunnwrites (at) hotmail (dot) com, and I will be delighted to mock them for you.