The Real Housewives of Dallas ends with roses, thorns, and too many metaphors

Real Housewives of Dallas ends with roses, thorns, and many metaphors

We last saw LeeAnne Locken storming off set during Part 1 of The Real Housewives of Dallas Reunion, incensed by the revelation that Mark Deuber would be joining the girls to talk about the allegations LeeAnne made against him this season.

“Her man can defend her, but my man can’t defend me?” LeeAnne asks, though, in reality, Mark is there to defend himself, not Cary. Eventually, LeeAnne returns to the set, shaking in her sequins at the thought of facing Mark. It’s wild that a sartorially-inclined plastic surgeon can strike such fear into her brave, carnie heart.

But first, Mark has to answer to the viewers, who had a lot of questions about his attitude toward his family this season. As a reminder of Mark’s bad ‘tude, Andy presents a montage of him being kind of a jerk toward Cary and his young daughter, Suri.

Even though Cary looks like she’s going to vomit all over her hubby after watching that clip, she insists Mark just wants her to be “furfilled.” Yes, she said “FUR-filled” multiple times, which leads me to believe Mark doesn’t actually want her to be fulfilled, but, rather, dripping with luxurious furs.

Cary and Mark band together, maintaining that they’re both just very sarcastic. Andy asks D’Andra to give them advice, because now that she’s been married for a couple years (Cary and Mark have been married for eight years), she can help them out? She tells them to watch what they say, because they can’t take back their words. Right then would have been the perfect time for Andy to roll the clip of D’Andra threatening to take her stepson’s eyes out of his head.

Next, we get a montage of “loose lips” on the show, which is really just Cary and LeeAnne talking shit about each other’s partners. Finally, we get to hear from Mark about the drug-fueled allegations that he gets "hit on" at the Round-Up.

Mark, of course, denies this, and LeeAnne swears she “didn’t mean it as an insult.” She says 80 to 90 percent of her friends are gay and that her work for the LGBT community speaks for itself, so she would never call someone gay as an insult. Still, it ain’t cool, particularly because Cary and Mark’s kids watch the show. LeeAnne says she doesn’t have kids, so she doesn’t understand, which is maybe the worst excuse she’s come up with yet.

Andy then asks Mark how he feels about LeeAnne calling his plastic surgery practice a “chop shop,” and LeeAnne responds to Mark’s assertion that it hurts by shaking her head in a very understanding manner. First, she’ll tear you down; then, she’ll be there with a sympathetic smile when you get upset. Then, she’ll say she’s sorry and didn’t mean it, until she does it yet again.

The price of oil in Texas may be volatile, but LeeAnne’s tendency to offend, and then apologize, and then re-offend is about as surefire as Heidi Dillon’s charity work.

Also reliable? Brandi’s gossiping. If something scandalous is uttered in her presence, pretty soon all of Dallas will know. Brandi insists that she only repeated what LeeAnne said about Cary and Mark because someone’s life was threatened. Uh huh, sure.

Then, Andy reads a tweet calling Cary hypocritical for being upset about LeeAnne’s claims regarding Mark, but turning around and making a similarly vicious claim about the size of Rich’s ... package. Cary apologizes and mentions that she also apologized to Rich.

Andy notes that the two ladies have made a habit of getting offended and lashing out at each other, and LeeAnne says she can’t handle much more of herself “acting like an idiot.” Penitence is great, LeeAnne, but actions are better.

We move on from the never-ending LeeAnne and Cary saga, though, to revisit Brandi’s allegations that Cary and Mark got together while Cary was Mark’s nanny and that their relationship started as an affair. Brandi breaks down and apologizes again for what she said, and Cary accepts her tearful offering of remorse.

Because D’Andra and Kameron are so boring and silent throughout all of this, Andy has to keep prompting them to speak by asking for their opinions. When he questions D’Andra, she pulls a bit of a 180, asking Cary and Mark how they could forgive Brandi and invite her back into their lives but they can’t forgive LeeAnne. Mark says it’s a pattern of behavior, and Brandi asks D’Andra why she’s always making excuses for LeeAnne.

Andy seems to latch onto that idea, though, later asking Cary if, since she’s forgiven Brandi, she could forgive LeeAnne, as well. Cary doesn’t really answer. Andy thanks Mark for his time then goes to break, but not before announcing that he, Andy, is headed to the Round-Up. No one laughs. Too soon, Cohen. Too soon.

Next, we get a montage of LeeAnne and Brandi’s weird, burgeoning friendship and then the unraveling of the friendship that probably never should have been. Brandi says she slowly realized how malicious LeeAnne was, and that “you are who you hang out with.” Kameron says that’s a double standard, then silently shakes her head for the next 20 minutes.

To my utter shock, Kameron speaks again, telling Brandi that it was a silly comment and she needs to move on, before proclaiming, “There’s nothing else to talk about.” I don’t think Kameron gets how this reunion show works. Girlfriend, you’re supposed to talk.

LeeAnne says Stephanie should learn to call Brandi on her poor behavior like D’Andra does with her. Brandi says she has a mother, so she doesn’t need another one, and LeeAnne takes that as a direct jab about her own relationship with her mother.

Andy asks Cary and Stephanie if they feel they forced Brandi to re-examine her relationship with LeeAnne, and they both vehemently deny that. Stephanie maintains that Brandi would not have accused Cary of having an affair with Mark if LeeAnne hadn’t influenced her, repeating what Brandi said earlier, “You are who you hang out with.”

Andy notes that they’ve trotted out that adage a few times now, and Cary says, “We all hang out with each other, so we’re fucked.”

That would have been a great place to end the reunion, but, instead, Stephanie drones on about how she couldn’t have remained friends with Brandi had Brandi started acting like her new buddy LeeAnne, because “You are who you hang out with.” Just kidding, she didn’t say that again, but it was heavily implied.

Kameron thinks Brandi needs to remember who was there for her when she was feuding with Stephanie. She also thinks Brandi, Cary, and Stephanie need to calm down about LeeAnne’s death threats because, “that’s her carnie talk.”

LeeAnne moves swiftly from carnie talk to cleric talk when asked about the future of her friendship with Brandi. “I’m always going to believe in Acts 2:25, and I’m going to pitch my tent in the land of hope.” (I looked it up, and that’s actually Acts 2:26, but you got close there, LeeAnne.)

Brandi says that’s fine for LeeAnne, but for her own health, she’s going to have to remove herself from their relationship. LeeAnne continues to speak in metaphors, claiming that her heart is “laying there in the middle of the floor, fucking slowly stopping beating.”

Brandi seems initially grossed out by that imagery (we all were), then she notes that LeeAnne is 50 years old, and she’s not sure how much she’s even capable of change at this point. LeeAnne maintains she’s going to try to get better, and everyone chimes in that they want that for her.

Andy decides to end the Dallas reunion by taking a play from the New York playbook and asking each lady what their roses and thorns were from the season (the rose being the highlight and the thorn being the low point).

They all give really boring answers, except for LeeAnne who says, “I feel like I’m in an empty garden. Sometimes it’s hard for me to see my roses because of my own thorns. I’m my own thorn.”

Can I just say I love metaphor-spouting LeeAnne? I love her.

Brandi’s thorn was hurting the Deuber family, and her rose was repairing her friendship with Stephanie, to whom she offers a rose, as if they’re on the Bachelor and they’re choosing each other. LeeAnne looks highly unimpressed.

Andy asks D’Andra, as the voice of reason, for closing remarks. She says they all need to “walk away, let the dust settle, and come back with a fresh perspective.”

And then, instead of closing with cocktails and a toast like every other franchise, the reunion just ends. If anyone deserves a margarita, it’s these girls.