Coming out to your kids

Scott Takacs, co-founder of Gay Fathers of Greater Chicago, a support group for fathers who have children from traditional heterosexual marriages, with his family.

Scott Takacs, co-founder of Gay Fathers of Greater Chicago, a support group for fathers who have children from traditional heterosexual marriages, with his family.

(Scott Takacs)

Andrea GuthmannChicago Tribune

By most accounts, Scott Takacs was living the dream. An engineering degree from the University of Michigan, marrying his girlfriend of nearly five years at 28, then designing their sprawling home in an affluent suburb of Detroit. A decade later they had three sons, but by then Takacs, 45, had debilitating doubts.

"Just before turning 40, I accepted that I was probably gay and that I was born that way," Takacs says. "I didn't have a bad marriage. I just knew it wasn't right."

Growing up in a Catholic family in a conservative community, Takacs says he fulfilled traditional expectations while denying his own identity. "I grew up with the expectation that you go to college, get married and have kids. And so I did that. It's easy to look back and say I probably always knew I was gay. But I heard a lot of negative things about the gay lifestyle growing up. Nothing terrible, just small comments here and there. You grow up in that, and you think it's wrong."

Takacs' story is no surprise for Sheena Hoffmann, a licensed psychologist and sex therapist in Chicago specializing in sexual orientation. "It's almost like if you're not raised in a family or community where being gay is OK, some people don't even know that it's an option. It feels really unobtainable and can feel super shameful."

Another parent who recently came out about being in a gay relationship is Christian mom blogger and Oprah's Book Club author Glennon Doyle Melton. Mother to three and recently divorced from her husband of 14 years, Melton revealed in November that she was in a loving relationship with women's soccer star Abby Wambach. That was two months after Wambach announced she was leaving her wife of three years, Sarah Huffman.

Known for her straightforward confessional writing, many of Melton's readers continue to support her. Like much of the U.S. population, Christian attitudes toward homosexuality have shifted dramatically in recent years. According to Andrew Flores, visiting scholar at UCLA School of Law's Williams Institute, a think tank focused on sexual orientation and gender identity, from 1994 to 2014 the percentage of Protestants who believe homosexual relations were "not wrong at all" more than doubled from 15.6 percent to 32.6 percent. Over the same time, support among Catholics also doubled from 27.9 percent to 54.7 percent.

Scott Takacs

Scott Takacs, co-founder of Gay Fathers of Greater Chicago, a support group for fathers who have children from traditional heterosexual marriages, with his family.

Scott Takacs, co-founder of Gay Fathers of Greater Chicago, a support group for fathers who have children from traditional heterosexual marriages, with his family. (Scott Takacs)

It was a spiritual struggle that led Takacs to finally come out to his wife. "We'd long been members of a modern, nondenominational Christian megachurch. When states began legalizing gay marriage, the church threatened to divest from any charities offering benefits to gay partners." He and his wife argued over the church's actions. "She couldn't understand why this was such an important issue to me," says Takacs, a sales engineer at a technology consulting company.

"People always say you come out to yourself first, then to your family. Well, I had already come to the realization I was gay. The church's decision brought me to my breaking point. I just couldn't do it any more." Takacs confided to his wife that he was gay.

"It can be almost insulting to the spouse if someone comes out as gay," Hoffmann says. "They may wonder if they did something wrong or weren't a good enough sex partner."

In Takacs' case, he and his wife — who declined an interview for this story — soon separated, but she asked him not to reveal the reason why. "Her family is very religious and she was afraid they would hate me. I guess she felt this would protect me from their wrath," Takacs says. He waited over a year to fully go public about being gay, something he wishes he hadn't done. "That hiding didn't help me or the kids at all. It would have been better to come out immediately."

To help other men going through similar situations, Takacs co-founded Gay Fathers of Greater Chicago, a support group for fathers who have children from traditional heterosexual marriages. "We have more than 60 members. Some came out 20 years ago and have kids in their 50s, while others still haven't come out to their spouse," Takacs says. "Some have great relationships with their exes and children, some never see any of them. There are definitely some very sad stories out there."

Takacs' siblings and parents have been very supportive since he revealed his sexual orientation. His ex-wife and her family, on the other hand, continue to view Takacs' homosexuality as his choice. "She has several people in her family who are anti-gay," he says. "I've been accused of a lot of things that I'm not."

Scott Takacs

Scott Takacs, left, with his partner, Joe Koecher.

Scott Takacs, left, with his partner, Joe Koecher.

(Scott Takacs)

"Even if you feel entirely comfortable with the concept of accepting an LGBTQ orientation, this isn't what you expected when you got married, or your child expected as they were growing up," says Mark Reinecke, chief of psychology for Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine.

Takacs and his wife finalized their divorce in early 2015 and share custody of their three sons, age 12 and 10-year-old twins. "I'm still a very involved father, talking to them daily and visiting them often in Michigan."

Takacs and his partner of two years, Joe Koecher, 49, have a room set up for the boys at their Chicago apartment. "The twins have no problem with my being gay. It's been a little harder for my 12-year-old," Takacs says. "Is he proud of my being gay? No, but he doesn't love me any less. He might be ashamed at some level, but he's no longer afraid to talk about it with his friends."

According to UCLA School of Law's Williams Institute, 29 percent of LGBT people are raising children. Hoffmann believes as cultural attitudes shift, fewer people will be forced to hide their homosexuality.

"I think we're increasingly seeing role models from an earlier age — in schools, in the media, and parents — who are accepting," she says. "Hopefully, this will lead to less denial, with people no longer getting into heterosexual marriages if they're gay."

Andrea Guthmann is a freelance reporter.

Scott Takacs

Scott Takacs, co-founder of Gay Fathers of Greater Chicago, a support group for fathers who have children from traditional heterosexual marriages, with his family.

Scott Takacs, co-founder of Gay Fathers of Greater Chicago, a support group for fathers who have children from traditional heterosexual marriages, with his family. (Scott Takacs)

Tips for coming out to your children

Mark Reinecke is chief of psychology for Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine. Here's his advice for sharing what can be startling news with children:

1. Do it together. Speak as a couple, as unified and caring parents.

2. Choose your setting. It should be quiet and private. Leave plenty of time.

3. Have a plan. What do you want to convey? How do you want to say it? Stay simple and straight-forward. Keep on point.

4. Convey that the parents separating is their choice and responsibility. It's nothing the child caused or could have prevented.

5. Convey that being gay is not a choice; it's nothing Mom or Dad chose to do.

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