My Boss.........................!
Posted by Tommy on July 17, 1997 at 03:32:07:

>?My Boss had a "stroke of genius" and it killed him. >>?My Boss recently fired a gay employee. He called it "canning the fruit". >>?My Boss is a famous inventor. He created "the fluke". >>?Whenever "it's" going to hit the fan, my Boss makes sure I'm right down>front. >>?I work in the company kitchen. My Boss said "If you ever drop food on the>floor, just put it in the microwave for a few seconds to kill the germs.>Then go ahead and put it on plates for the customers." >>?My Boss was complaining about how much time I used to take my wife to the>doctor for her leukemia treatments. He said "You're making too much of>this. We are all going to die sometime. Make sure your career doesn't die>first." >>?We recently moved into a new building that didn't have enough space for>our cubicles. I was told my cubicle wouldn't be ready until after the Fire>Marshall had inspected the building. Then we could erect my cubicle in>front of the fire exit. >>?My Boss has written a series of management books. The titles are:>Career Paths that Stifle the Optimistic Employee>Writing Recommendation Letters that Stink>How To Torture An Employee Before The Lay-Off>Kicking Techniques For Employees You've Beaten Unconscious>>?My Boss said "Managing a department is not hard. Give the impossible>projects to employees you hate. If it doesn't work you can fire them,>that's always a joy. If it does work, you're a motivational genius and you>get a hefty bonus. Could life get better?" >>?My Boss has been mentoring young talent for years. "Lucifer" was his first>management trainee. >>?By the time my Boss needed to "circle the wagons", he didn't have enough>allies to form a circle. >>?After confronting my Boss about the tension between us, he said "The>problem is that there's a problem." >>?My Boss was very creative, but she lost her plug and now everything>escapes through that gaping hole in her head. >>?My "Purchase Request" was ridiculed because it didn't follow the>guidelines my Boss was planning to publish tomorrow. >>?When Bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking>about themselves >>?On our way to lunch my Boss offered to drive. I said "Is that wise?" She>said "Of course it is. My license is still good, it just expired." >>?After reviewing the research preliminary results, my Boss said "I know the>data doesn't say what we want, yet. That's why its called raw data." >>?I needed two days off but I had no vacation time left. When I offered to>work extras hours to offset this time my Boss said "Absolutely not. You are>salaried and expected to work extra hours. How would I distinguish between>the extra hours you are expected to work and the extra hours you want to>work?" >>?I told my Boss I dreamed about running the company one day. He said>"That's a manager's dream. Why did you have it?" >>?I asked my Boss for advice. He gave me a lethal dose of cynicism, mistrust>and deception. >>?My Boss recently met with a group of MBA's and was appalled at how proud>they were for attending B-schools. She later said "I wouldn't act so cocky>if my school was rated B". >>?My Boss thinks "shareware" is a chic reference to "hand-me-down" clothes. >>?My Boss to MIS technician: "Remember, I'm just a novice at computers. I>want to take it slow. When you pick my programs, make sure you get>software. I don't think I'm ready for hardware, yet." >>?My Boss at early morning coffee: "I don't understand what the problem is>at AOL. Can't they get call waiting". >>?My Boss decided he'd rather be called "King" than President of the>company. As a result, he's now "The Royal Hiney". >>?My Boss has had a stellar career in computers. She mastered the "Mega>Bite" as a management trainee. >>?My Boss refuses to use a computer. She frequently quips "I don't do>windows". >>?Along with the Internet service providers, my company just announced a>"flat rate plan" for its employees. Regardless of how much time you spend>at work, you'll get the same flat rate. Guaranteed! >>?My Boss calls our one Black employee "Otis" even though that ISN'T his>name. >>?Note from my Boss. In the future please proofread your work. I've noticed>it's full of errorrs." >>?My Boss to other team member: "Look, I put you on my team to share your>ideas, not the recognition." >>?My Boss, useless for years, is one of the few remaining signs of corporate>welfare. >>?Doctor to my Boss: "Sorry, but "withdrawal" does not qualify as a disease>that can be legally treated with marijuana." >>?Prayer may not be appropriate at school, but at my job all we do is pray,>pray, pray the sales come marching in. >>?My Boss has an extremely good memory. That's because no space is allocated>for thought. >>?My Boss recently laid off a large group of MTV-age employees. Since then>he's been known as the "The MC of Misery". >>?We recently re-organized at work and added another group to our MIS>department. Now accounting is MIS-managed too! >>?I never had a husband because I was married to my work. Now, after 25>years some stranger tells me to expect "an involuntary separation without>support payments." >>?The Management Committee was scheduled to meet next month to vote on a new>benefits package. Before the meeting I cornered my Boss about his lack of>interest in the opinions of his employees. He said "This benefits decision>is a lot like a political election, if you can't vote you don't count. You>can't vote." >>?In a very somber meeting of the department heads, my Boss turns to me and>says "Isn't this layoff program really GREAT." >>?I used the reply function on my e-mail program to respond to a message>from my Boss. Shortly after she got it, she called me. She said "You must>come over right now and show me how to re-cycle e-mail messages." >>?My Boss says she's too busy for training on her new computer. To save time>she took the tutorial CD with her so she could listen to it in the car. >>?Facial hair is not the norm in my office, but I wanted a mustache. Shortly>after it started to grow my Boss asked me to cut it off. I said I would cut>off mine if she agreed to cut off hers. >>?My Boss knows every fact in the world, except that he is an insufferable>jerk. >>?I called my Boss to set-up a meeting to discuss my career. He said "You>don't have a career. You have a job, just do it." >>?Our Executive Committee recently voted unanimously to abolish the Ethics>Committee. >>?My Boss is the manager for a book superstore. Recently, at a large>employee gathering, he bragged about all the books he had read. One of his>favorites was Gulliver's Travels by Oliver Twist. >>?My Boss said "I know we all worked on this together and we voted on the>most appropriate outcome. However, I feel I have a greater sense of>ownership for this program and therefore I made the final decision for the>group." >>?Boss to employee: I see you are familiar with the "My Boss" web site and>you are drinking from a "My Boss" coffee cup. Are you trying to make some>special statement today?>Employee: No, I use this coffee cup EVERY day. >>?After watching my Boss at work, I'm certain somewhere in this world, there>is a village missing its idiot. >>?At my job you are assigned a Boss and a mentor. Since I didn't have a>mentor yet, I asked my Boss if he would by mine. He said "It could hurt my>chances for advancement if people thought I was your mentor." >>?At the end of a long quality speech, my Boss said "We must pay great>attention to every detail. Let's take a break and meet again tomorrow at 9>o'clock in the afternoon. >>?My Boss thinks "megahertz" is an extremely large car rental place at the>airport. >>?It was Saturday and my Boss was in the office. He called me at home to>complain about the foot pedal on his computer. For some reason it wasn't>working properly. I told him to move the foot pedal to his desk and put it>on the pad next to the keyboard and roll it around. He said "Oh, this foot>pedal is really versatile, isn't it?" >>?My Boss said "I don't want to ram-rod this decision down your throat, but>open wide, please." >>?My Boss doesn't answer the phone when it rings. He says "Important people>are busy and I'm important." >>?My Boss is very fat and very critical. Recently she said "You will never>become Mr. Olympia unless you set that as your goal. I turned to her and>said "Any exercise at all can be an admirable goal." >>?Quote from my Boss "Why is a win-win strategy important? Doesn't that mean>I get less?" >>?My first child just started infant day care and I am a single parent. It>is very important that I get to the day care on time, otherwise they levy>very heavy late fees. After only 1 month of this new routine, my Boss of>ten years put an "employee notice" in my file reprimanding me for being a>"clock watcher". >>?Boss to employee "Look, if one plus one was always two, you wouldn't need>managers like me." >>?After an hour of very frustrating technical discussions, which my Boss>obviously didn't understand, we took a break. As he stood up, my Boss said>"It would be a lot easier for me if you guys wouldn't talk "geek-onics". >>?Have you seen Fox TV's latest hit series. It's Beavis and My Boss. >>?Comments in an exit interview: "You know, I'm sorry that you quit. I>really wanted to fire you". >>?Comment from my Boss during my performance evaluation: "Once in my career>I didn't get along with my Boss either. BUT when he told me how it was>affecting my performance, I immediately did a 360 degree turnaround. I>expect the same from you." >>?My Boss has mentored my career into his Vice Presidency. >>?I thought my Boss was reading a computer manual until I got closer and I>could read the fine print. The book title read: "A User's Guide, Management>Principles for Success. >>?My Boss refuses to put a computer in her office -- until they're available>in pastel colors. >>?Why did the chicken cross the road? Because his Boss did!! >>?Inspiring words from the Boss: "I encourage you to take chances in your>research and development work, BUT don't risk my Bonus on some pipe dream.">>>?Yesterday, my Boss asked "What role did Mr. U. R. El play in the early>development of the Internet. I can't find any reference to him in the>literature." >>?When I called in sick, my Boss said "Well, if you already threw up, you>must be feeling better. What time should I expect you?" >>?Instructions from the Boss: "We have four, 15 inch computer monitors in>storage. I want you to get the biggest one and put it in my office." >>?Comments during a business review meeting: "Look, we have a monopoly in>that territory. Customer service isn't that important. Let them complain." >>?The design team was frustrated with their lack of progress and lack of>direction from upper management. In response my Boss said "It's not>important if you know what you're doing as long as you know you did>something." >>?I was the manager of an extremely understaffed print shop. Everyone was>going nuts trying to get the work done. Finally, my corporate Boss called>and said he would be coming in for a week. I said "Great, what will you be>doing? Bindery? Delivery? Running the press?" His reply was "No, I'm not>coming to do any of those things. I'm coming to figure out why the work is>not getting done." >>?In a meeting of the technical department, I told my Boss that one of our>users was not on the network. Immediately he said "But I sent her an e-mail>message. Oh, I guess she won't get it then, huh?" >>?We work in a major industrial plant and my Boss wanted a first aid kit.>When he got the bill for $25 he said "I sure hope the union appreciates>what lengths we go to for our employees." >>?My Boss asked "If I get extra memory in my computer, does that mean I>wouldn't have to save documents anymore?" >>?Boss to new employee: "Haven't you worked for me before?">Employee: "No. That knife in my back belongs to my last Boss." >>?My Boss was sure he was going to get laid off, so he went and "told off">his Boss. He got fired instead. (No severance package.) >>?Comments during performance review: "You have done many things to annoy me>this year, but I'm not going to tell you about the things I can't>remember." >>?My Boss suffers from a career ending illness. He is light-headed. >>?Performance feedback from my Boss: "You are not getting the top rating>because you have problems dealing with people who are known to be hard to>work with." >>?My Boss' comment during a heated discussion: "You're entitled to your>opinion, BUT you're not free to express it here." >>?My Boss insists that I use the title "Projects Manager" as opposed to the>grammatically correct title "Project Manager." My Boss thinks potential>clients may think we only have one project. >>?Instructions from my Boss: "I want your comments both orally and>verbally." >>?When my first merit raise was approved, my Boss shouted to me from across>the room, in front of three co-workers. He said the $1500/year increase was>all he could finagle from his Boss. >>?Comment shouted across the room by the office manager. "When we hired you,>there were lots of more qualified shipping clerks, but we didn't hire them>because they were women". >>?My Boss left me a voice mail message suggesting I read her e-mail message.>The e-mail message was an instruction to come up to her office. When I>arrived at her office, she gave me the time and place for a future meeting.>Why didn't she just say that in her messages? >>?My faithful dog of 15 years died last year and I took her to the vet to be>cremated. After the cremation I went to work. When my Boss saw me he said>"Couldn't you have buried that thing in the backyard?!" >>?Once I went to my Boss and told him I had a serious problem. He said, "You>don't have a problem, you have an OPPORTUNITY!" I thought about it a second>and then said, "You're right. If you don't solve my problem, I will have>the OPPORTUNITY to slap you upside the head." >>?My Boss took an IQ test and the results were negative. >>?My Boss, the senior VP of Sales, called me into his office one day and>asked me to locate his "turkey neck". "What" I said. He replied, "You know>that thing that connects your computer to the network". Oh, the "TOKEN>RING" I said. "Turkey neck, token ring -- just find it." >>?My Boss thinks "RAM disk" is an installation procedure. >>?A group of employees at my office were clustered around the coffee bar>eating cake. My Boss told everyone who walked up, "This cake is better than>sex." After the third or fourth time this happened in less than a minute>one of the more senior employees said: "Would that be sex with you ?" >>?My Boss asked me to write a letter for him. I presented a draft copy for>his review, every sentence of which he marked-up with red ink. After>watching this, I asked, "What did you think of the fonts?". >>?My Boss's Ph.D. dissertation was being funded by the company. Because he>is essentially incompetent, he asked me to perform the calculations that>were the core of his thesis. When I refused he got another subordinate to>do the calculations - BUT he convinced the company to stop funding my>Ph.D.. >>?The company announced that on December 18 they would issue the "perfect>attendance" checks for 1996. However, if anyone who received a check missed>any of the days between the 18th and the end of the year, this would make>them ineligible for the reward and they would have to return the money to>the company. (The big question in all this -- why not wait until January>1997 to make the "perfect attendance" awards for 1996.) >>Two rules from the "Top Ten Rules of Project Management": >>?If a subordinate asks you a pertinent and difficult question, look at him>as if he has lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question>back at him. (Smirk intently.) >>?Listen intently while others are arguing the problem. Pounce on a trite>statement and bury them with it. >>?Recently my Boss said," I know Rome wasn't built in a day, but I wasn't>the Foreman on that job" >>?Always remember the unofficial work motto: The reward for a job well done>is ... no punishment. >>?The other day I asked my new Boss for the day off, he said "Sure, you>don't look too important." >>?In a recent mentoring meeting my Boss said "Lying is a fundamental>business tool like Marketing or Finance. Learn to lie and it will serve you>well". >>?What do you do with a co-worker who is rude, lazy and incompetent? Answer:>Treat them with respect. Soon they will be the Boss. >>?My Boss hung this sign in each stall in the employee bathroom: While you>are doing something for yourself on my time, think of something you can do>for me on your time. >>?My Boss lost his temper the other day. Now he has no emotion. >>?As a group we complained to our Boss about the long hours and tedious>work. He said "If work was fun, it would be free. >>?Boss to employee: "Even though our dress has gone casual, you must still>refer to me as Mister". >>?My Boss recently ordered a computer with a fax/modem. After it arrived, he>called me into his office to find the paper slot for faxing. >>?Our company recently set up two computer help lines. One for basic>questions and the other for advanced questions. My Boss, who is completely>computer illiterate, said "How does one know if their question is basic or>advanced?" The MIS director said "If you can't program your VCR, call the>basic help line". >>?My Boss forced me to put Netscape on his modem-less laptop, so that he>could surf the 'Net during his layovers at the airport. >>?My Boss requires applicants to take drug, AIDS and VD tests to qualify for>his secretarial positions. I wonder why? >>?When I was managing a very large clothing store, my Boss restructured the>commission plan so the employees would earn 3% less. She told me I needed>to SELL the idea to the staff. >>?To improve morale my Boss suggested a weekend team building retreat for>the department. Frankly, the thought of spending my weekend with the Boss>and doing touchy, feely exercises, added depression to what was merely a>case of job dissatisfaction. >>?If my Boss was a super hero, he'd be Polyester Man. >>?My Boss recently fired the advertising agency my company has used for the>last 10 years. A new account executive asked her when she was "due". She's>not pregnant. >>?Comment from CEO: "Advancement in this company is based entirely on merit.>Its been that way since my grandfather bought the company." >>?My Boss thinks raising his voice improves the strength of his argument. >>?On his first trip overseas, my Boss assumed "Business Class" applied to>him because he was "a member of management". >>?My Boss thinks an "extended" keyboard is for someone with "big" hands. >>?I know you didn't write the business plan, but I need a co-author in case>management rejects it. >>?In response to recent complaints of favoritism, my Boss says "Fairness is>applied in a fashion that I deem fair." >>?Excerpt from Boss' speech at awards dinner "Bonuses in my department are>rewarded to team players who have demonstrated an appreciation for my>leadership." >>?Comment from the Boss after a few pointed questions: "Your skepticism>reflects a distrust for my management skills." >>?"As my last parting comment in this interview, you should never dress>better than you boss. It shows you're not observant." >>?My Boss called me into his office to complain because he couldn't connect>his Sony (audio) CD player to his computer and run his CD software. I said>"Oh, only the Panasonic CD will do that." >>?My Boss does the work of three men: Larry, Moe, and Curly. >>?A co-worker died in a gruesome car accident at 11:00 AM. At 1 PM my Boss>was taking things from the dead man's office to improve the appearance of>his own. >>?After finishing a computerized report for one of our managers, our>programming group received this response: "That's what I asked for, but>it's not what I want." >>?The plant manager came up to me one day and asked "How much do you think>the plant weighs??" I said "With or without the plant manager?" >>?It was very apparent that I had not fully recovered from my bout with the>flu when my Boss came by my desk. He said "Oh, still got the flu. I was>only sick for two days, I guess I'm stronger than you" !!! >