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Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Well, technically that's not correct, the tumour reared it's ugly head in 2012, but "The Great Brain Tumour of 2013" sounds historically fun.
This time last year I was shaking in my boots, terrified that in 11 days I was to undergo brain surgery. My only goal for 2013 was to live. Sounds profound but it's 100% true, I prayed about it, meditated about it and breathed it. Please, for the love of God allow me to live through that experience. And I did. In the physically sense.

Recovery over the last 12 months has been a surprise, so has the knowledge I've received along the way in regards to my health. There is no better lesson on who you truly are, then taught through the experience of recovery. As I sit here having no idea what I want to wish for on this New Years Eve, it's a harsh reality that the things I want are not in my control. So I will go back to my goal of 2013, to live. This time not with a heart beat or breath, but with personality and soul. I am not the same person I was a year ago, sadly some of that care free Kelly has been lost, but I would like to find her again. This year I want to live life because it's precious, because I have amazing children, because I have T Jay, because life is good. So Great Brain Tumour of 2013, won't you join me in 2014? You are coming along for the ride anyway, we may as well find some good in it.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Sometimes I repeat myself and I don't remember even saying it. Apparently I do it a lot. I guess there is a possibility that I rewrite blogs. That would be kind of funny actually, especially if they were months apart. I'm sure they would have totally differently perspectives. I find that my attitude is very different now that I'm almost 1 year post op. I feel that in the beginning I was ecstatic at every little change and accomplishment. Every appointment brought hope. In the beginning there is an expectation that you will heal in the medical fields "determined amount of time" I, of course thought that I would be back to normal way beyond what they said. It's humbling to find out that healing is only partly in your control and slightly aggravating as well.

So I stand now in a different line, not the line where every Doctor wants a piece of you to get you back to your good old self. Nope, I'm standing in the "we'll see you in six months line" This line takes you right back home to sit and wait. And I do, in my bubble. I will admit I'm afraid to do things. Walking on ice has me looking like I'm 103 years old. T Jay said we should go skiing, and I said are you out of your mind? I'll go with you but I'll be in the lodge drinking hot chocolate. I just don't think I will ever ski or skate again simply out of fear. I'm afraid of banging my head. Now that this tumour thing is stretching into it's 3rd year as it all started in June of 2011, when I tried to take up jogging again. Bam, welcome Trigeminal Neuralgia to my life. My tumour saying hello, and oh by the way I've got your cranial nerves all wrapped up. This tumour is stubborn, not unlike it's owner, and won't leave, can't leave because he's hanging out with the carotid artery. I saw the pictures, I've painted my own picture in my head and the thought of falling and rattling that intruder around scares the life right out of me. So I sit in a fearful bubble, a place that is very unfamiliar to me. I need to learn to like Bubble Land or move out...or perhaps it's move on.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Bingo is a multi use word. For example, when someone doesn't understand something: "OHHH you mean THAT hardware store had the sale" and you can respond by saying "bingo!!!" There is a popular kids song called Bingo. B I N G O, B I N G O, B I N G O and Bingo was his name ohhhh" (you are all singing it now aren't you? haha) Finally there is the game, played at school fairs, town fairs and events I am sure weekly. Once upon a time you used the little green and red plastic circles to cover the numbers that were called. I know this as my grandmother had bags of them. Then came out the "bingo dobber" which comes in many colours and is an ink pad more or less, now used to colour the numbers called on the card. (and your hands and fingers)

So last night a group of friends were heading out to the local Fire Department for their Christmas Bingo and did I want to go? Now I haven't played Bingo since I was a teenager, so we are talking over 20 years ago. I asked T Jay if it was loud, as noises and I are not getting along right now. He assured me it was a pretty quiet and tame event. T Jay has been going to this Christmas Bingo event for many years as one of Santa's helpers. On goes the hot Santa suit, to give candy canes and hugs to the many seniors who attend this bingo. He loves it, they love it and I must say he certainly is very good at it. :)

I joined my friends, realizing very quickly that this was a little more confusing then I remembered. One of my "issues" is the inability to focus on too many things at once. This coming from the Queen of multitasking, it is a bitter pill to swallow. I notice around the house if I'm trying to do something and more then one person is talking to me I just can't function. Well last night that reality was taken outside the comfort of my 4 walls and truly put to the test. Lets face it Bingo is not hard, number called, dab your card. However, the concentration that I had to do was insane. There were times I was looking for the "O" number under the "G" column and when I realized, the next number was called and I became flustered. Add someone trying to talk to me and the whole thing was like someone took my brain and shook it. I didn't win anything, I could have had bingo a hundred times. I would have never known as I was missing numbers and concentrating so hard at dabbing the numbers that I was forgot to check to see if I was even close to winning.

Today my brain hurts and that is not sarcastic or a joke, I am finding it hard to manage. This blog is in it's 4th hour of trying to put it together. I am also hugely disappointed, frustrated and just plain mad that still after one year my brain is not where I want it to be. I have been doing a program called Luminosity, it's like physio for the brain, but it doesn't help you with real life situations. Now I guess, I need to be on a quest to find out how to get physio for the brain. I was taught how to retrain my brain to deal with my balance issues and although that is not perfect I am certainly better then I was. But where do you get brain training? You would think real life would be enough but that actually seems to be the hard thing.

I'm not where I thought I was, nor am I where I want to be. Who has control of that? Me. It's becoming a reality that my super woman brain has taken a hike and I may just have to settle for "Kelly's brain" Perhaps striving for the crazy multitasker who could do anything is simply setting myself up for frustration and tears. Ah yes, what a B I N G O moment this is...

Monday, December 2, 2013

As I sit in front of the fireplace typing this in our newly renovated "old" house, I have to say that the move went smoothly. Not everything is out of our other house yet but since we plan to change some things in it before we sell it, we are certainly in no rush to empty it's contents. Everyone has their tooth brush and bed so we are in good shape. Although all I've done is put bags etc in my car I have certainly over did it and now I have my first cold since brain surgery. One would think big deal but it's actually different. With constant pressure in the back of my head anyway, and now pressure in my sinus I truly feel like my head will explode. UGH!! What's even worse is I'm whining about it...I think I have a "MAN COLD." You've seen the commercials I'm sure for Vicks Nyquil, where they make fun of the poor man who is flat out with "just a cold." That's me..Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! However, great marketing because as I sit an whine about it I plan on buying some Nyquil today to hopefully let me sleep tonight. So the boxes and bags can wait and I will slow down as everyone is telling me to. I'm hearing you all and admitting to it, I guess I'm not pullet proof or in this case "germ proof" like I think I am (It's a super women tendency). So Nyquil by night and an afternoon nap with the puppy on the couch by day, will get me through this cold, puppies make good heating blankets :)