IVF treatment is tough. The second time round we will hopefully benefit from lessons learned. Emotionally I am unable to be honest with anyone, least of all myself.
I have to make changes to my life to make certain I'm doing everything to acheive my goal. I want to be a dad. Here begins my adventure and with a little luck a positive life changing experience.

Friday, December 21, 2007

This year has brought me the most wonderful present I could have wished for.The little man is doing really well, amazing little character developing.Here is the man in action with one of the very many annoying toys he'll own...

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Well here we are almost 4 months on from the arrival of our little treasure and boy has time flown.

The little fella is doing really well weighing in at 15lb 1oz. He settled into a routine of feeding and sleeping and has been in his own room for 6 weeks or so.

During the day he sleeps for exactly 30 minutes at a time, amazing biorhythm. I guess he has 4 naps a day. If he is out in the pram or the car he might sleep a little longer and at night, well we are blessed. He goes down at 7 and I give him a bottle at 11 (while the misses expresses off a bottle for the following night) he is really good through this ‘dream feed’ and wakes between 4 and 6 for another feed.

The misses gets to sleep in at weekends as I get him up and bath him and this is the time I get to see him do the fun stuff I don’t see when I’m working during the week. I really miss out during the week as I’m out of the house before he wakes and rarely home before he is in bed. But the weekends are mine!He really has changed so much, we had to move him out of our room because as he grew he’d bash the sides of the cot and wake himself and us and the dog.Cian is really happy in his own room and he loves looking out of the window at the sky. He loves the leaves falling from the trees too.

Just last weekend he had a little cold and on closer inspection we could see he has a tooth trying to make its way out. So the bibs are on and fingers are in the mouth constantly.We took him away for the misses’ birthday to a fantastic hotel and he was as good as gold. Fortunately the hotel we stayed in had a suite which meant we could eat room service in a lounge area and not sit in the bathroom waiting for him to fall asleep.

Sorry about the random nature of the post, things just keep popping up and structure is boring anyway.

So would I go through it all again? The jury is still out, IVF can bring you pain as well as the joy we have found. We are so very lucky to be where we are today and not in our wildest dreams did we expect it to turn out this well.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

It’s a little over a year since I began blogging about my IVF experience. This time nobody rained on my parade and we were very, very, very fortunate to achieve the goal we so desperately wished for.Along this leg of the journey I have learned about myself, which is why I wanted to record my thoughts and experiences. I’m not mad but have finally opened myself up to therapy which I hope will make me a better person. I want to be a better person so that my misses can have a husband she can rely on for support, love and the things and feelings that go unsaid. I also want to be a better person in order to set a good example for my son.

Cian is just awesome, a real dream come true. He means so much to me and I cant stop hugging him, smelling him, looking at him, talking about him and thinking about him. Finally we have a break in people coming to our house which means I get to have him all to myself and not make frequent trips to the supermarket and make cups of tea.

I just wanted to say a word about my wife. I can not begin to state just how much admiration I have for her. What's more I can not begin to say just how much she means to me and that her strength and support makes me the man I am today.

I’m not exactly fitter, but I am happier.

Oh yeah, I'm really into Neil Young at the moment. I used to think he was all old man rock and whine whine whinge but it turns out he has sung some of the most beautiful songs ever recorded.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

I have been reliably informed that when your child is born the testosterone levels in the father decreases. This is to allow father and child to bond, it also turns the father into a girl.

Instance No 1 - Happily sitting on the sofa watching Casino Royale with the boys (Cian and the dog) and I should have been marveling at the beautiful Aston Martin DB9 sport with added defibrillator or the array of fine stunts and Daniel Craig's new super macho version of 007. I say should have been because what actually happened is that I was sitting there and blurted out, "He loves her, oh man he loves her. She's going to die now" and it was delivered without an ounce of irony or sarcasm. I meant it I was worried for Bond and how would he cope if she died, he has never opened is heart....See what I mean? I'm not supposed to think or say those things.

Instance No 2 - In the kitchen with the misses chatting about our anniversary and what to have for dinner whilst enjoying a really lovely embrace (see doing it again) I opened my eyes and glanced over her shoulder and said "sorry babe there is a mark on the fridge door" I picked up a cloth, ran it under the hot tap, walked over to the fridge and wiped the mark away. Then picked up a paper towel to wipe away the water mark left by the cloth and then turned round to see the misses open mouthed with jaw on the floor before I said "I'm turning into a woman please make it stop!!"

I feel a little more like my old self today, perhaps I'll put on Apocalypse Now and marvel at the natural beauty of the Vietnamese fauna and flora......no no no that's not hows it goes......

Thursday, August 23, 2007

A week has passed since our little miracle appeared and boy has it been busy.

Cian and Amanda we're kept in the hospital until Monday so the specialists could keep an eye on them both. There were some difficulties during the later stages of labour but all is well with them both. I was so very pleased to have them home with me at last.

It's an amazing experience the birth of a child. We had waited and hoped that maybe one day we would be fortunate enough to get there. We dared to dream, had hopes dashed and felt the pits of despair. This baby of ours was so wanted and we are happier than we could have ever imagined.

I hope that other bloggers can find hope as we did and that you also dare to dream.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Still awaiting the arrival of Bean.A is sleeping much better and I'm being less of a pain in the hole!

There was a meteor shower last Sunday which coincided with the 30th anniversary of Elvis's death and I was sure Bean would arrive, alas......

Thanks again to you all for your support and kind words and site visits. This blog community is very special to me and I enjoy reading about others life experiences. It not only keeps my feet on the ground but provides such comfort knowing there are many people going through difficult circumstances and coming out the other side.

Heres hoping and praying that the next few days continue to bring us good fortune

Thursday, August 09, 2007

consultantnoun [C]1 someone who advises people on a particular subject:a management/financial/computer consultanta firm of public relations consultants

2 UK a specialist (= doctor with special training and knowledge in a particular area of medicine)

3 A breed of patronising asshole who really deserves to be kicked in the bollocks at regular intervals thus ensuring the smug persona is kept in check

_______________________________________________

The hospital visit went pretty well and if Bean decides not to appear before, then the misses is booked in for Induction next Saturday (18th).The scan showed Bean is healthy but the sad thing is that we struggled to tell what was what at this late stage. I love looking at Bean on the ultrasound and marveling at the seemingly impossible sight of our little miracle.A still expects to be told that there is no baby there and it's all been a mistake.

Measurements are all just above average to initial fears of a whopper have been allayed. Bean should weigh something like 7lb 11oz. The sonographer, maternity assistant and midwife were all very friendly and a pleasure to deal with.The consultant on the other hand was feckin eejit. Why do they have to speak like you are a dribbling moron? Needless to say I had to put him straight and the remainder of the consultation was very matter of fact. I know I shouldn't be surprised or angered but man they get on my tits with the way they treat you.

If there is any news over the weekend then I'll keep the blog updated.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

I must have looked terrified being woken by the slightest of touches by A.Thing is I've been sleeping so very well the past few weeks. You could say that my sleep is more akin to hibernation. Today though we were both awake at 4 and not getting up to catch a flight.

The misses has been having sh*t sleeping patterns and rarely gets more than 3 hours at a time. As she commented yesterday "if the bodies way of preparing you for sleep deprivation is by depriving you of sleep then how does that stack up?"

We are going to see a consultant at the hospital tomorrow and may need another scan to check everything is ok. Don't think there is anything to worry about but if there is the slightest concern then rest assured I will blow it up, keep it inside and worry like Mr Worrier winner of last years biggest worrier of the year competition.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Friday, August 03, 2007

2 weeks to go and the evil hormones have kicked in!! Poor A she is fed up and has a bad foot, is suffering from a severe lack of sleep and the British Summer has finally arrived. I'm doing my best impression of a good supportive husband and so far so good. I think I'm getting to grips with this whole thing.

I'm so very excited now and everyday feels like christmas eve.

The 'Travel System' arrived yesterday. In the old days they called it a pushchair but in an effort to justify the high cost and generate interest from the male of the species they came up with the masterstroke of calling it a 'Travel System'.

It's brilliant, pram this way, do a bit of pushing pulling and un-popping of buttons and hey its a pushchair. The car seat also clips straight into the frame. It also has an assortment of attachements, rain cover, warm foot cover (small and large), sun blind thing and a couple of other bits to keep me amused. The car seat fits well and with practice I think I'll manage to get the process down to 7-10 seconds like the Ferarri F1 pit team. Sh*t, never thought I'd be so happy to have a pushchair/travel system.

Baby Bean is getting big and indications are that it'll be around or above the 9lb weight. Looks like another scan is required as the baby is gonna be big. All the bags are packed, we have 4 in total. 2 for Bean, 1 for A and 1 general bag with the camera, video camera, sweets & snacks, medical notes, lists...My mate also advised me to put a pillow in the car with a change of clothes, man its like going on vacation and every bit as exciting.

My head is being fixed by the head doctor and everything is much more positive.

Friday, July 20, 2007

So we are at 36 weeks and hopefully I'm just a short time from meeting Bean.It feels as though it has been an extraordinarily long time coming from those first steps on the IVF trail. Not for a moment has the feeling of doubt left me. We are so close and still can't believe how well it is going.

The misses is in great health and everything is ready and waiting. Everything remains crossed and it's difficult no to get carried away and allow myself to get too excited.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Nina Simone, wow what a woman what a voice.Me and the misses took a short trip down to North Cornwall and I duly loaded the iPod with some new material. I'm unsure if it was the mood of the music or that I was felling very relaxed and open but every song that blasted out made me want to cry. Cry in a good way I was sort of euphoric and filled with energy during one song 'Ain't got no/ I got life'.So I now have 3 songs to pick me up when I'm low!!

33 weeks down and gradually the misses is getting a little more uncomfortable and finding it difficult to sleep most nights. The kicking and moving seems to increase when I'm chatting or singing which I'm taking as a positive!

Great news over at 'Pattycake' & 'Gills blog, please pop over and offer them some encouragement. It really means a great deal to get a kind word, I know that I have benefited.

Well we're heading into the final stages and I hope to update a little more frequently.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

I am preparing for the very serious business of fatherhood by taking note of some highly recommended literature. In other news Bean's room is coming along very nicely and I have some pictures available here.

The misses is 31 weeks into this adventure and the Doc said that the baby is likely to be around the 9lb mark. Both she and Bean are healthy and both have been advised to take things a little more leisurely. Bean is quite active and likes to party into the wee small hours, can't think where that comes from........Around 5am I can pretty much guarantee the smell of fresh toast wafting from the kitchen as Bean orders another snack from room service. Baby Bean also seems to enjoy ice cream, breakfast cereal, oranges and spicy food (especially Indian).

I'm doing a little better and have strted to deal with my problems by talking it through with a profesional. It's a long road but I'm in a really positive mood.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Bean is a lively little one, I have been trying to ensure that good tunes are being heard by Bean.So far not a fan of Depeche Mode or Bloc Party, Does like some fast paced Funky House music and Scott Matthews.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Bean is doing really well. The 22 week scan showed that Bean is approx 1lb 6oz and growing at the end of the scale. There seems to be no doubt that he/she will be a monster. My poor misses......

The scan also showed a profile shot and you can clearly see hands, feet, spine, heart and sadly for Bean a nose as pointy as mine. I'll try and add the latest scan picture later on tonight.

The misses is well and enjoying the unseasonably good weather we are enjoying in the UK. No rain and 15 days of temperatures in the 70's. She has an ever increasing bump and I can feel bean moving about. It is a fantastic feeling.

Oh and we decided on a boys name yesterday which came with no arguments and no discussion, it just sounded right which is pretty cool. Girls names however are proving a little more tricky.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Tonight we begin a 1000 mile roadtrip to see some family. Today we are going to begin from london and down the evil M4 motorway to Wales.A's brother moved there last summer with his wife and our 2 beautifulnieces. We found out last week that they are also expecting a new arrival in October.It is a beautiful part of the world despite the fact that the girls have picked up a Welsh accent! I always manage to corrupt them in a few hours. Before we leave them on Monday I'll have them talking like Londoners which will annoy the sister in law.

On Monday we drive from Wales to Scotland to stay with A's aunt and uncle in the Border region. Again it is such a beautiful place and the misses' family make me very welcome. Whilst she has to sit around drinking tea and chatting with the aunt's I get to go to the pub and get hammered with the male folk or play some golf.

I'll be back after Easter and hopefully we'll have an updated scan and an update.Take carePx

Monday, March 26, 2007

Bean is becoming quite lively, the misses feels these little sensations many times during the day and they are becoming stronger.I have been desperate to feel a kick or elbow or headbutt for the past 10 days and I have managed on one occasion to feel a bump against my hand.

We still are so very excited and cautious. A is doing very well and in excellent health.

Friday, March 16, 2007

The nightly trip to the toilet and countless hours of being awake are beginning to give the misses a little grief but on the whole she is still very healthy and we are still so very thankful.

Tomorrow is St Patrick's Day and an important date in our calender.

First thing tomorrow we trade in my Sporty 2 door German coupe for a not so sporty 5 door German car. I have promised not to sulk.

Then it's breakfast at me Ma's with the family and the afternoon will be spent at one of my Uncles house with a hundred or so family members, kids, dogs, friends and Guinness.

The misses will then gallantly drive us to our friends house where we will be having more Guinness and a BBQ. I will be mostly singing Irish songs for the entire hour journey along the motorway. Fortunately I have an excellent voice.

Sunday will be spent in recovery and I'll be booking my liver in for a service first thing Monday.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Number 1 reason for a good day was that we got to see Bean again. Manda has a very very cool friend who brought us a session at a private clinic for an ultrasound scan. It was even more special as neither of our Mums had ever seen an ultrasound scan of their kids (my ma had 3 boys and m's mum had a boy and a girl) so there we all were in this private clinic m's mum & dad, my ma, me and manda. Into the little room we went and Bean appeared in a matter of seconds. It was great to see the grandparents faces as Bean moved to and fro. Elbows, feet and and face came into and out of focus and there were "oohs" and "ahhhs" from all. What an event it was I'm so pleased that they got to see Bean.

The 2nd reason is that Ireland beat Scotland in the Six Nations championship. It is a big deal to rugby fans in northern Europe and I'm a Paddy whilst the misses is a Scott. The Irish managed to win by a point but the victory means bragging rights for another 12 months.

Eireann go Brach !

Low lie the fields of Atherny,Where once we watched the small freebird fly.........

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Wow, Last Saturday evening me and the misses were lucky enough to witness a lunar eclipse.

These beautiful moments are difficult to see from the UK as 52% of our days are overcast so I was delighted to have such a clear sky on Saturday.

Whilst we were outside I could hear some kids (it was late about 11.30pm) and they were delighted to be outside at such a late hour. It got me thinking and I hope to bore my kids silly (I or my peers did not appreciate Science or History until I was in my mid twenties), drag them outside in the middle of the night and say "hey look at that, isn't it marvelous?" I expect Bean to shrug shoulders and say "s'alright".

The very fact I can picture this makes me feel cautious but ultimately optimistic.

Sorry, this post does not make much sense and I'm not even sure if it has a point.

Monday, March 05, 2007

The misses is doing just fine. Last Friday we had another midwife appointment which went really well. Bean has a very strong heartbeat and well, so far so good.The midwife was really lovely and a pleasant change from the witch we encountered on our first visit.

Everyday that we get further into the pregnancy we continue to count our lucky stars. Not for a single moment have we taken this for granted. The misses is feeling much better during this stage of the pregnancy but has not had any wired cravings yet other than a new found desire to drink an illuminus fizzy orange drink call Tango oh and this weekend I smell like chocolate milk apparantly.

I've been not so good and as usual, hid it from the very person who can help me most. Anyway had a chat on Saturday night and I do feel much better.I don't want to explore it too much today 'cos I feel good. I know I need to get a couple of things out of my mind.

"I wander hopelessly trying to think about meBut I’m trying to forget the things that dwell on meSitting on a horse to the wind and sit in my comfortable treeMesmerised by the beautiful sky sit thinking where I wanna beI'm gonna sleep with the peaceful moon again until the sun bleeds throughmy eyesI’m gonna wait until the morning comes to wipe the sleep out from my eyes "

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Friday, February 16, 2007

So, hows it going? Since I've last been able to blog an awful lot has happened in 3 weeks. Most importantly we had our 12 week scan.

Bean is doing just fine and whilst I play it cool with the misses, Inside I was desperate to hear that everything was OK. A lot of people pin so much significance to the 12 week scan that you can't help but be dragged along with the feeling that after this point it's ok or not ok.

My outward inertia belied the feeling of fear beneath my seeming cool exterior. To say I was shitting myself is an understatement.

For me all I wanted to hear from the the team at the hospital was that everything is alright.

I was so delighted I can not describe the feeling. In actual fact I have not articulated this to A and the first time she Will know about it is about 10 minutes after I post this.

Sorry I said feck all hon, I just didn't want to add to your worry.

Ok so without further a do, ladies and gentleman please say hello to Bean.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

OK on the recurring music theme I have running through my titles I thought I'd share something that made me a little aggressive, well actually it was more like rage. Angry young man rage, something I remember from 16 years ago when I was an angry young man trying to make sense of it all....snap out of it.

So my new job means I have the pleasure of commuting into London. Idyllic thoughts spring to mind of plush carriage's full of interesting characters. The men all in bowler hats off to the city to ensure our pensions funds and investments are being looked after. Young children with their Nanny's off to feed the birds (tuppence a bag) outside St Paul's Cathedral.

The hustle and bustle of the London Tube and suburban railway links are a million miles from auld London Town. One reason why Linkin Park on the iPod is a bad idea. The other is that I'm 32.Grow up EMO is for the kids.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

The new boy is settleing in.There are always going to be difficulties when starting a new job and I definatly did not expect to have such a tough situation from day 1. You see I was headhunted for this role which is a completly new experience to me. The conversation contained this passage"what me?""yes, they would be really interested in talking to you""are you sure that they want to speak to me though?""yes but if you don't phone in the next few minutes........"

I hung up to make the call and well here I am. I was interviewed by the big boss and he offered me the job more or less straight away and I agreed. Thing is, he employed me without my immediate boss meeting me and that has really pissed him off. So from Day 1 I have my work cut out to impress the man. Oh well.

This has been another important step away from the cloud that followed me around for so long. Depression really gets a hold of you and strangles out any self belief you may have. I have a renewed sense of worth and am full of positive energy which stems from the good baby news back before Christmas.

It is all to easy to forget how down I was feeling and now I can look forward to looking forward.

The misses is doing well, she is still taking things very easy and continues to feel nauseous almost everyday. Bean seems to be growing OK, judging by the new clothes that have appeared over the past few days. The next scan is now just 12 days away and we can't wait to see how our Bean is getting on.

We hope to get away for a few days before too long and enjoy some time together. Bean might appreciate the fresh air and I'm sure someday soon A will be able to enjoy more than a few hours without wanting to throw up.

Monday, January 15, 2007

What a shit couple of weeks. I have been working my arse off at work on a project for 3 months and the last few weeks have been the most stressful. I have been working more hours than anyone else in the company. I have been delivering on lead times, solving problems and all without a single thank you. I know most people hate their jobs and I do not expect to get a pat on the back for turning up at work every morning. But you would think that after 3 months of working hard and delivering results the boss would pull you to one side and say ‘ nice one’. Nope fuck all. Silence.

I have thrown a few hissy fits at home and the misses had been backing me up and been tremendously supportive.

Then I relax and remember that what really matters is the 3 B’s –

My Beautiful wife

Bean

The Boy (my dog, jimi hendrix)

The misses has been in great form but feeling very sick most of the time. Food is bought then stored in the fridge and sometimes makes the plate before being thrown in the bin. I feel for her as even her favourite foods are making her feel nauseous.- She has just announced that Green Thai Curry is also off the menu forever –

The Bean is growing and the belly is protruding, I can’t wait for the 12 week scan to get another look at the little beauty. I swing from feeling to feeling on the sex but we can’t bear to get to far ahead of ourselves.

The Boy is becoming a little more protective and we have spoilt the dopey little sod so much that we are not sure how he will be if we are lucky enough to get to meet Bean.

Oh by the way I had an interview today for a new job and was given the opportunity to head up a department in one of Europe’s biggest communications companies. I’m delighted and can’t wait to tell my current boss to ‘do one’ tomorrow morning.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Yesterday (Friday) we had our first scan and the misses was on tenterhooks. I was pretty relaxed about the whole thing as she seems to looking pregnant with things like a bump is growing, the boob fairy has defiantly paid a visit and everything in the kitchen turns her stomach.

So we were absolutely blown away to see a little 'Bean' with a heartbeat on the ultrasound.Bean is developing at a good rate 14mm in length and is only a couple of days behind (7w5d).

There is a palatable relief and even though the misses has to remain careful and cautious we have a 95% chance of going full term which is the best odds we've had so far.