professional nobody.

24 August, 2004 - 1:53pm — Tjedza

... maybe its just something i can't admit,
but lately, i feel like i don't give a shit..

"I am a wannabe
You better be careful around me
I come from far away, where mustang dreams are made
And we are fashioned in the image of the Don's who have come before us
We all kiss the rings of sand like our fathers told us."

i hate quoting, yet i do it so much, it makes it seem as if my life is just one big chain of song lyrics and quirky sayings to the
dissappointing point where nothing is original/real.

my greatest fear for the future present and past-
i lack motivation.
i lack focus.
i lack...

i have no focus, no purpose, no inner heart-stuff, hell i dont even know
what its called.
i'm like a a gas molecule in a container-
virtually free/ independent, but all this is superficial because i
(like the molecule) am still confined within the walls of my container,
i want to break free but i don't know how.

"Oh Lady of Darkness, terrible one, so bold and entreating. Lead me down the path you make. To heaven or hell, I care not. Only that it be away."
ugh another cliche.

i need love.
i have love, well i girl who loves me, and a chain of
guys who adore me, no really they do ( trying to say it without sounding vain)
but i have no heart-stuff for them...
i cant, love/commit/be with anyone.

i'm starting to realise that its not them- its me.
me with the issues.
me with the problem.
me with the hollow inside.

"My life is pain, a consumptive pain that saps my strength and will, wracking my chest and twisting my gut, driving me to madness and from that madness to the futile strength that comes from a body soaked in opiate dreams. The brilliance of my eyes in the mirror only echoes the brilliance of my mind as the three ghostly ladies of my dreams labor over me, dancing gaily, mocking me..."

Comments

Your second to last line about nobody ever quoting you made me go "wow". That's what I've been trying to say because I quote everybody as well. I wonder if the people we quote once thought they'd never be quote worthy.

I wish you luck in breaking free, in finding motivation and focus. Better days are ahead. Or so I hope.

"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."

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