On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know.
This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer .... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?

"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

Obama went jogging: But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb. "No, Five dollars!" fired back Obama.
This ritual between Barack and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"
And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day however, Michelle decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog! As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Obama realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Michelle would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the First Lady. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Barack became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker! Barack tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled... See what you get for five bucks!?"

One sunny summer morning a father is in the back yard trying to teach his young son how to fly a kite. He isn't having much luck, no matter what they do the kite will only go up a little bit before it does a nose dive into the ground. Mom is watching from the kitchen window and decides to offer some advice as she was quite the accomplished kite flyer as a young girl. She steps outside the back door and yells out that to dad that he needs more tail, Dad calls back to say, "make up your mind woman, last night you told me to go fly a kite.

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?

Politically incorrect?
I'd just come out of the store with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said, “I've not eaten for two days.” I told him, “'I wish I had your will power.”

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Jamaicans" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said, “Sorry about the wait.” I said, “Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually.”

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said, “Any Change?” I said, “Nope, you’re still black.”

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, “fat chance,” with a face like that!

A 10 year old Irish boy stood crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asked. “What's wrong, lad?” The boy said, “Me ma died this morning.” The man says, “Oh bejaysus! Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?” The boy replied, “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself.... “I’m going to take that.”

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, “Where am I?” The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back, “You're in that basket, you dumb bastard.”

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question, which I got wrong. The question was, “Where do women have the curliest hair?” Fiji was the correct answer... hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?