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Enjoy the Only Miss America Drinking Game You'll Need Ahead of This Weekend's Pageant, and World Peace

Knock back a few glasses in honor of the beauty queens who almost certainly wish they could.

By
Amanda Coyne

Sep 11, 2015

Lauren Ahn

The Miss America pageant is, unsurprisingly, well-suited for a drinking game: over-hyped surprises, over-the-top gowns, strange talents, and both hosts and judges who appear to have been drinking all day (or at least wishing they had been). But they shouldn't get to have all the fun! Grab a bottle or two of wine, follow these rules, and enjoy. Do drink responsibly though; it's what the beauty queens would want. That and, you know, world peace.

Contestants traditionally introduce themselves at the start of the pageant while dancing in business-casual attire at various locations around Atlantic City, where the pageant takes place. It arguably has something to do with promoting the host city, but does it make much sense? No. Does the Miss America production team care? Of course not! Drink when you just can't stand the awkward dancing anymore, because this is only just the beginning.

Via Facebook / missamerica

The first order of business is then to announce the top 15. The pageant's hosts always ask the contestants how they feel — are you nervous, excited, carb-starved? Nearly everyone will answer the same way: "I'm just so blessed to be here." That is a lie; drink whenever a contestant says this during the pageant, unless she says "hashtag blessed," in which case toast to her well-honed sense of irony.

The top 16 contestants will then strut the stage in tiny swimsuits, a refreshing illustration of body positivity and confidence, right?! Take a drink when, while trying to explain this, host Chris Harrison inevitably says something slightly ~risqué~ about the scene, and you question why you're even surprised.

Also, Chris Harrison will inevitably mention The Bachelor. Take a drink when he does.

Pageant queens hire walk coaches, some for upward of $100 an hour, in order to have the perfect swimsuit walk — and to avoid slipping in their 6-inch platform heels, which could have been greased-up backstage by a particularly Machiavellian hopeful for all we know. But sometimes, all the coaching in the world can't prevent the wobbles. Take one sip for a trip, two for a stumble, and if someone falls, take a shot — but be careful not to choke while doing so if you're someone who can't help but laugh when people faceplant.

During the swimsuit portion — and the remainder of the competition — you'll notice the eliminated contestants sitting in the back of the stage. Girls who don't make the cut get to sit in what is affectionately called the Losers' Lounge. Take a drink in sympathy whenever the camera cuts to them, because they'd probably rather have been allowed to just go sit and cry in their dressing rooms backstage.

Miss California comforts herself with a donut after being relegated to the Lounge at the 2013 pageant.

Some pageant gowns are elegant, glamorous dresses worthy of the red carpet. Others look more like a drag queen's fever dream. Take a drink if there are shoulder pads, ombré ruffles, an ostentatious fishtail train, or butt cape, or if there are sequins. (But only if there are a lot). If somehow all these design features happen on the same gown, pour your drink over yourself and go dance in the streets, because the world will have changed irrevocably. For the better.

Good pageant girls also wear huge chandelier earrings — earlobe lift surgery exists for these women. Take a drink every time you see a pair that could actually knock out the girl if she turns her head too quickly.

Talent is probably the most fun segment of the pageant to watch, but it can also be the most painful. It's the quintessential pleasure/pain pageant dynamic, basically. Someone will inevitably believe it's still a good idea to tap dance to "Let It Go," or that it's totally cool to sing a song from Les Misérables with a Southern twang. Drink for each talent that isn't.

ABC loves broadcasting fun facts during talent. Some are normal and interesting (i.e. "earned a BA and MA from Stanford in four years") while others are just ludicrous (i.e. "slapped a shark when she was a kid"). Take a drink for each factoid that likely came from the beauty queen's drunk aunt, because yeah, she's right there with you.

For the final five contestants, the hot topic Q&A round is a crapshoot — the cruelest end to the night's proceedings, really. All questions posed have been deemed equally difficult by officials and ABC, but during the 2014 pageant, for example, Miss Oklahoma was asked about Miley Cyrus's twerking, while Miss California was asked whether the U.S. should go to war with Syria over chemical weapons use. So, yeah, sure. Drink when the questions are all over the place.

Most girls avoid "the Iraq and such as" gaffes when answering their question, but they still can sometimes get flustered. Start drinking — chugging, if you're brave — when a contestant starts to ramble, and don't stop until she is mercifully cut off.

You've made it to crowning! If you can still see straight, great, but if not, that just means there are lots of tiaras in the mix, and that's also fun. One of the most necessary pageant queen skills is pretending not to be mad when you don't win. At Miss America, runners-up are whisked away by attractive men in tuxedos, but you can still sometimes catch a glimpse of their reaction before they've bounced. If a girl is clearly pissed, finish your drink.

One bonus opportunity, for the brave and/or foolhardy: There are two key branding terms Miss America likes to throw around all night. Take a sip of your drink (and try not to roll your eyes) each time you hear the words "platform" or "scholarship."

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