Exactly what you were hoping for, give or take.

68Comeback vs. Six degrees of separation

Forward this post to every rich person you know.

Just got back from CJSR’s Fundrive Central tote-board. There’s good news and there’s bad news. The good news: the little station that can, does, will always and won’t ever stop has raised nearly 75 grand so far. The bad news: that’s not enough.

Gotta raise more dough. How are we going to raise more dough? Well, for sure we’re going to keep working and pitching and cajoling and shaking people upside down until the change falls out of their pockets. I don’t mind telling you, I’ve been working on a couple of pitches that’ll make you yearn from the very depths of your soul (or maybe your groin?) to dial and donate (780 492-2577 extension 1) or it’s high-tech equivalent, the less alliterative but every bit as valid donate online (securely).

Our top scientists and head priests do not tend to agree on much, but they also hardly ever shut up with all their preaching and theorizing. So when we asked them if it was time to turn to Operation Six Degrees of Separation: Rich Benefactor and the room went totally silent, it was hard to know exactly why, until they all started nodding ‘yes’.

The, um, “plan” is as follows: we all know that there is at least one (many more than that, actually, if we’re to believe Nick Lees) stinking rich but woefully square dude/dudette in this city who spends more time than they would care to admit, skulking around the place, feeling unfulfilled, and wondering what they could possibly do to get themselves a little bit of street-cred. We need to reach them.

So, I’m going to post this to my Facebook wall, handing it over to what few friends I have there to share with their greater numbers of friends. Those who receive the message, if they are poor but well-connected, will make a small pledge of whatever they can afford and send the message along to their more affluent friends. We’ve sort of got Edmonton’s very own Great Gatsby, Daryl Katz, in mind as someone to reach in this fashion, but any lucre-soiled mogul in any town that happens to get the message is welcome to join the party.

Those who are wealthy will pledge the big bucks required (however much you feel is sufficient to cleanse your dirty, filthy souls, fatcats. Remember, we’ve got charitable tax status, meaning you can use your donation as a tax dodge) to send us screaming above and beyond our FunDrive 2009 goal of $150 grand.

So here’s the pitch to our potential wealthy patrons*: As a wealthy person who is somewhat disconnected from the realities of the world, you are probably not aware of the talking that goes on about you behind your back. Yes, they are appropriately sycophantic when dealing with you face to face or talking to you on the phone, but once you’re out of earshot, they are snide and unkind. The deal is, if you pony up, say, a thousand or maybe even ten or even twenty-five or fifty thousand dollars that you are NOT EVEN GOING TO MISS (honestly Katz, have you seen the size of your own house?), that’ll go so far toward helping us fulfill our divine radio mission that when we hear the peons talking so unkindly, calling you out of touch, calling you selfish and ostentatious, sneering about all that your vast riches cannot do for you, we can come back and say they donated to CJSR’s fundrive and it will SHUT THEM RIGHT UP. I mean, what’ll they be able to say after that?

And apart from the tax slip and the shutting up of the meanies who just don’t know what it’s like to be you, consider the swag. A thousand dollar donation will entitle you to tote bags, coffee mugs, t-shirts and hoodies, all emblazoned with CJSR’s 25th Anniversary logo. And maybe we’ll even say your name over the radio or let you co-host a show sometime, if your scheduling apparatus will allow it. In any case, you’ll definitely be able to show up at your high-society shindigs wearing the cutting edge in fashion, thus setting you apart from your other rich friends in a way that your money can only buy during one brief window of opportunity every year. While they will be rich but hopelessly square, you will be rich and somewhat less square. Sound good? We thought it would. The contact info is up above somewhere. Now get to it!

*Except for you, Bruce Saville. No matter how much you offered, we wouldn’t take it, even if you offered to pay us double the amount to do so. It’s a matter of principle.