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} This is an automated response from the Oracle's new RQBL system, the} Realtime Queue Blackhole List.}} We're sorry, but your request for the Wisdom of the Ages has been} rejected because:}} RQBL207: Content filtering detected the pattern **o* c***ks in the} message, possibly referring to a forbidden marmot.} RQBL415: MIME content was detected, and the Oracle is running low on} silencers.} RQBL001: Gallagheresque content was detected.} RQBL214: Your mandatory freemail signature was longer than the body of} your message.} RQBL666: No grovel was detected.}} Your address will be retained in the RQBL for a period of one year,} barring any further infringements against good taste and politeness.} If you have taken steps to rectify the problems referenced above,} please post a message to rec.humor.oracle.d listing this incident} number and the phrase "Daniel and his fish are welcome guests in} my house." This will give the regulars something to talk about.}} Please join us in making the Oracle a better service for everyone!}} The RQBL

} Santa's not the only one who keeps a list, you know. I remember all of} those things I've asked you for in the last year. Now would be a great} time to pay up. Let's see here...}} An upside-down octopus} 12 pints of Guinness} A picture} The videotape} One big dubya} A Babel Fish} A lantern (lit)} My underwear back} A photocopy of your face} A meerkat} The secret to the universe in your mind} 3 of them.}} FedEx would be best.

} On my first day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me;} a questionless grovel as lonely as can be.}} On my 2nd day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me;} two queries 'bout love and} a questionless grovel as lonely as can be.}} On my 3rd day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me;} Three koans (zen),} two queries 'bout love and} a questionless grovel as lonely as can be.}} On my 4th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me;} Four letter words,} Three koans (zen),} two queries 'bout love and} a questionless grovel as lonely as can be.}} On my 5th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me;} Five moldy Puns,} Four letter words,} Three koans (zen),} two queries 'bout love and} a questionless grovel as lonely as can be.}} On my 6th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me;} Six Clease replayings,} Five moldy Puns,} Four letter words,} Three koans (zen),} two queries 'bout love and} a questionless grovel as lonely as can be.}} On my 7th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me;} Seven requests for Lotto numbers (winning),} Six Clease replayings,} Five moldy Puns,} Four letter words,} Three koans (zen),} two queries 'bout love and} a questionless grovel as lonely as can be.}} On my 8th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me;} Eight injoke milkings,} Seven requests for Lotto numbers (winning),} Six Clease replayings,} Five moldy Puns,} Four letter words,} Three koans (zen),} two queries 'bout love and} a questionless grovel as lonely as can be.}} On my 9th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me;} Nine Lisa de-pantsings,} Eight injoke milkings,} Seven requests for Lotto numbers (winning),} Six Clease replayings,} Five moldy Puns,} Four letter words,} Three koans (zen),} two queries 'bout love and} a questionless grovel as lonely as can be.}} On my 10th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me;} Ten LotR film referAncings,} Nine Lisa de-pantsings,} Eight injoke milkings,} Seven requests for Lotto numbers (winning),} Six Clease replayings,} Five moldy Puns,} Four letter words,} Three koans (zen),} two queries 'bout love and} a questionless grovel as lonely as can be.}} On my 11th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me;} Eleven Pilfered Routines,} Ten LotR film referAncings,} Nine Lisa de-pantsings,} Eight injoke milkings,} Seven requests for Lotto numbers (winning),} Six Clease replayings,} Five moldy Puns,} Four letter words,} Three koans (zen),} two queries 'bout love and} a questionless grovel as lonely as can be.}} On my 12th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me;} Twelve W..dch.ck Questions,} Eleven Pilfered Routines,} Ten LotR film referAncings,} Nine Lisa de-pantsings,} Eight injoke milkings,} Seven requests for Lotto numbers (winning),} Six Clease replayings,} Five moldy Puns,} Four letter words,} Three koans (zen),} two queries 'bout love and} a questionless grovel as lonely as can be.}} You owe the Oracle a lot of birds and some frisky servants.

} It's an old American tradition. Let's say you're jaywalking, and the} traffic is pretty weak so you figure you can get away with it, but lo} and behold, an express bus comes and bounces you back on the curb.} You're pretty hurt, and you don't have socialized medicine, so how do} you get the money to pay for the bills?} a) sue the bus driver, since s/he was controlling the vehicle that} hit you} b) sue the bus company, since they have enough money to pay the bills} c) nobody, since it was your own fault for jaywalking, or} d) the city, for not preventing you from jaywalking nor the bus from} hitting people.}} Sadly, most Americans would answer b. Some would even answer d, and} would fight pretty hard, with a self-righteous platform about how the} city should take more responsibility for the safety of it's citizens.} Surprisingly few would answer a, either because b would be more} lucrative, or d would "help" the community.}} I'm sure you can see the analogy here. Afghanistan is the bus driver} (which, to extend the metaphor, got his bus driving job because the} jaywalker is a buddy of his and pulled some strings), Iraq is like the} bus company (OPEC can pay plenty of hospital bills), and the United} Nations security council is the 'city,' who is getting so distracted} by these miscreant bus drivers that they're overlooking China parking} in handicaped spaces, North Korea running red lights and Rwanda's} poisoning of the school cafeteria.}} Convincing a group of Americans ("a person is smart, people are} dumb, panicky animals," said a certain Man In Black) to pick 'c' is} damn near impossible, especially when they see how other Americans,} usuallly their own parents, are prospering / have prospered from} the monies gained by options a or b (see also: America vs. Columbia,} America vs. Panama, America vs. Mexico, America vs. Canada, America vs.} Japan, America vs. aboriginies, America vs. local ecology, etc etc).} "So what if I knew my bus driving buddy was blind as a bat? The bus} company should've detected that in the interview and kicked the bum} out before I got hit! It's the company's fault -- I didn't intend to} get hit by a bus, I was just crossing the street... and they should've} put a crosswalk there anyways."}} Hey, it works. Americans will prosper from executing these attacks} today. When their children grow up, they'll learn from their parents} that jaywalking into traffic is how you make large gobs of money.}} You've got three options:} - campaign against jaywalking. Try to institute education programs} so that people will know the dangers of jaywalking. "The money you} make from the lawsuit isn't worth it."} - teach your own children, impress upon them that jaywalking is a} bad idea.} - propose at city hall that busses should have cowcatchers, so that} nobody hit by a bus will survive the experience to go to court.}} I think North Korea is working on that last option. I strongly} recommend you use one of the first two.}} You owe the Oracle a crash helmet.

} You could, and that would look pretty inconspicuous for a while, but} then it would start to move and probably tear the bag, and then you've} got a big lizard running around and nothing to carry it in. A burlap} bag inside of a plain brown paper bag would probably work better.}} You owe the Oracle the address of your supermarket.

} Ah, my reptillian friend. I knew you would turn to me with this} problem in the end.}} When the squeaky little things had fur instead of scales, I said} "King Lizard, you should devour them all now." You blew it off,} saying "I'll take care of it later."}} When they started acting clever and colonized the seas and air,} I said "You really need to take care of this." You said "Listen,} I'm on it, give me a break, I have to lie in the sun some more."}} When the upright less-furry ones discovered reliable contraception and} at the same time started exploding across the world at an unprecedented} rate, I told you "Hey...wakey wakey!" And again, you ignored me.}} And NOW you're asking how to stop the global milk conspiracy?}} The only advice I can offer you at this point is to eat as many of} their babies as possible.}} You owe the oracle an atavism.