This could make a mediocre book

Diary of a hypochondriac, day 9609

Note: The approximate day is legit. I calculated. The times probably aren’t. I’m writing this at the end of the day and trying to remember exactly when all this happened. Also. Some of this may be exaggerated. But most is not. Told you, HYPOCHONDRIAC.

6:50 a.m. – Wake up for about the third time all night. Only time I look at the clock. Insomnia? Um, YEAH.

8:30 a.m. – Wake up for good. Eyes hurt. Momentarily think eye infection then realize fan I use for white noise to help me sleep was aimed directly at my face all night.

8:43 a.m. – Almost fall asleep in the shower. Narcoleptic?

9:15 a.m. – Stop and get coffee on the way to work because I can’t wake up.

11:15 a.m. – My elbows hurt. And my forearms. Could be the bone islands I have yet to go get looked at again. Could be carpal tunnel. Could be because I type with my wrists on the edge of my desk. Can’t be good.

11:16 a.m. – Examine the bruise on my elbow. It’s the product of being accidentally kicked when I was trying to catch a possibly-inebriated boy who was trying to walk on his hands on a hardwood floor. In the process of trying to save a life I was injured. I hope the kick didn’t do anything to the bone island on my elbow.

Noon – Stomach still feels funny, but probably because I’m hungry. And I didn’t eat when I took my medicine this morning, something it specifically says to do on the label. I’m usually so good at following directions….

1:20 p.m. – Take off Silly Bandz I’ve received from various friends and kids who think I’m awesome because I think they might be cutting off my circulation at the wrist. It’s entirely possible, my fingers no longer feel weird.

2ish – Sneeze three times while walking outside. I’m allergic to nature.

2:30 p.m. – Stomach hurts for a third time, but I’m pretty sure it’s because I just got a shout out in a meeting for alerting someone of something they should have been told by someone else. Power of the fourth estate….

2:45 p.m. – Leg itches. Pull up pant leg to scratch it and notice a random bruise. How the hell did that happen?

3 p.m. – Why do I have all these random aches like an old lady?

3:27 p.m. – My back hurts. I sleep like such a weirdo I’m probably messing it up every night. Or I just need a massage.

3:30 to 4 p.m. – Nothing to report.

5 p.m. – Cleaned out my keyboard with that dust spray. May have gotten too close because my throat hurts now. I probably inhaled some BY ACCIDENT. I may die.

8:30 p.m. – Stop at Kroger to pick up a few things, including sushi for dinner. First time I’ve had Kroger sushi since I was sick a couple weeks ago, not sure if it was from that or from what I had for lunch or what. Jury’s still out and sushi sounds good.

8:37 p.m. – Singing along to Glee in the car. I sound like Rachel Berry, only in my car, when no one else can hear. But I apparently better lay off the solos. Throat hurts again.

8:45 p.m. – Eating sushi, even though the roommate is convinced I’m gonna get mercury poisoning from it someday.

9 p.m. – What does mercury poisoning feel like? Just kidding…

9:28 p.m. – Would totally take a nap right now if it wasn’t almost bedtime. Seriously, narcoleptic? Insomniac? You be the judge.

9:45 p.m. – Watching Six Feet Under. There are so many different ways people die on this show. Not good for a hypochondriac to see.

9:50 p.m. – Finishing this blog and ignoring the fact (kind of but not really) that my elbows STILL HURT.

Also, please enjoy this video – watch it starting at about the three-minute mark. Boy Meets World – I miss that show.

From my favorite scene in the episode:Cory: That’s right… I’m a hypochondriac!Topanga: Cory! It means that there’s nothing wrong with you! It means you create stuff in your head!Cory: Yes, well. [holds up bottle] He gave me these placebos.Shawn: Placebos are what they give to crazy people like you to make them think they’re being cured of something they don’t have!Cory: Hey! I have to be on these for the REST OF MY LIFE!!