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Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Confessions

I mainly buy Asparagus for the free elastic bands. It's a great product-to-free-elastic-band ratio, because they generally put one at the tips and at the bottoms. Double win! Oh... yeah, and I get to eat the asparagus too.

God-DAMN asparagus makes pee smelly. I hope someone found this post based solely on Googling that phrase.

It is ALWAYS appropriate, anticipated, and welcomed to pinch other men's nipples after consuming large quantities of alcohol. Feyoncé™ is wrong on this one. It's... like... a MUST, really.

When surprisingly faced with a skunk, in the dark, while walking your puppy, it is both eloquent and effective to yell "Shit! No! RUUUUN!" and run across the street in a blaze of chaotic skunk-odour-avoidance-measures.

Don't be fooled by those coy smiles; These buggers will force a dangerous, treacherous bathing process involving hydrogen peroxide, dawn, and baking soda. Usually around 1am. You've been warned.

Avoidance (to people, not skunks) is even MORE obvious over text. I feel the need to state that a reply is unnecessary approximately 6+ hours after an original message is sent. Unless your phone was off because you never leave the house. (Not that I know what that is like, AT ALL, people...)

@George - Methinks you are wrong. If they are there, they are worth grabbing. Just because you would/could/can/do the same. :-)

LOVE the psychopath comment. Made me lol for real.

@Barb the French Bean - Alas, that is a myth. The hydrogen peroxide, dawn & baking soda mixture is the most effective for removing skunk smell... you just have to be very careful and cover the dog's eyes and ears well so as not to hurt them. PITA! (As in, pain in the ass, not PETA).

@steph gas - lolz. Yeah, apparently men don't seem to think we are right on this one. I say, force them otherwise. ;)

Hey!! I drove over a skunk in New Mexico about 20 years ago around 3am....goddamn mothertrucker did a death roll on our 1973 Chevy Impala before he became road kill though. Two of us even sicked up the stench was so bad...ahhh nothing like driving through the freezing cold desert eve with all the windows down trying to get rid of skunk stunk.I spose we had the last laugh though....Oh yeah I tie rubber bands around door handles. For fun.

@SkippyMom - Okay, first off, I love you for having a dog named Scooby. That makes you forever infinitely awesome. Second, you are correct, I should edit that to read "A MINIMUM OF TWO psychopaths/sociopaths".

Finally, thanks for stopping by and commenting, it's appreciated.

@Pearl - You are a wise woman. So very wise.

@Dan - When it's that close, it smells like onions bathed in hell juice. That must have been one hideous drive, my friend.

Thanks for stopping in. Also? I MUST know more about this rubber band thing...

@Belle - I have stories that still shock me, too. Hard to believe we evolved from the same bloodline sometimes (you know, our crazy family, not you and I, since we haven't met and aren't related. lol).

Well I'd like to say that I tie them around handles to make them hard to open or to make them bounce back into alignment but I am always looking for the buggers, you for important things, like flicking at people who walk past my window and uses so obscene I would have to eliminate anyone who reads them...