Monthly Archives: October 2011

Both these teams suck. The Colts may not win a game this year and I’m pretty sure Chris Johnson has been replaced by a manikin who just falls forward for two yards whenever they give it the ball. At least he still has fantastic golden teeth. Titans 20 Colts 14

New Orleans (-13.5) St. Louis

The Saints looked pretttttty,pretty good last week following a blowup loss against the Bucs. The Rams? They’re fucked. I’ll be betting my soul on the Saints. Saints 42 Rams 14

Minnesota (+3) Carolina

Hi, my name is Cam Newton. I stole laptops in college and now I'm the new face of the NFL!

Eh, who gives a fuck about a couple swiped macbook pros, Scam is a monster. It’ll be interesting to see how Ponder does against a mediocre defense because he looked pretty strong against a good Packers defense until a couple brutal throws. Vikings 23 Panthers 20

Arizona (+13) Baltimore

Ummmmm…WTF? How in the world did Baltimore only score seven points? For as scary as Ray Lewis is, Joe Flacco isn’t. He just seems like the kind of person that would sit there and whimper if you told him he sucks and that he shouldn’t be an NFL quarterback. Also, Ray Rice? 8 carries? Yikes. I think they’ll turn things around against a horrific Cardinals team, but if they don’t there is going to be a whole lot of panic in crab cake land. Ravens 40 Cardinals 13

Like this:

In his first career NFL start Tim Tebow gets a home game? Now that just isn’t fair. People are gonna be gator chompin’ real hard down in Miami because no one gives a fuck about the Dolphins. Side note, can we lose every game so I get to watch Andrew Luck for the next 15 years and at least feel for a second that the Dolphins are going to be good? Broncos 22 Dolphins 13

Now if that isn't the saddest Dolphin you've seen all week then you spend far too much time searching for sad dolphin pictures

Chicago (+1) Tampa Bay

Jay Culter is the best at fake losing. He always looks miserable even when his team is winning…When he was ripping the Vikings tits off last week he looked like someone had just shot his puppy dog. I love it. Love the strategy. Bears 24 Bucs 13

Houston (+3) Tennessee

Still no Andre Johnson=no bueno for Houstoners. Titans 24 Texans 17

San Diego (-2) NY Jets

THIS IS YOUR QUARTERBACK.

But in all seriousness that man is really an NFL quarterback. Poor Jets fans. They beat the Dolphins Monday night and they act like the apocalypse is off forever. Well it will come, unlesssss they win this week. Which they will in upset fashion with their gay QB at the helm. Jets 23 Go Chargers Go 14

The top ten things going on right now, as decided by me. Let’s try to make this weekly.

1. NBA Lockout

We’re almost 5 months into the NBA lockout, but there is good news for bucket heads: Both the owners and players reps are meeting today when they had originally schedule not to. Henry Abbot thinks that no news isn’t necessarily good news. I on the other hand hope that this process drags out until the cancellation of the season. Everyone laughed at me when the NHL season was canceled and belittled my most cherished sport. Well, whose laughing now! ::runs into secret office, laughs maniacally, plays soduku::

2. The Walking Dead

Who said this was going to be about sports? Not me baby. This season started off the way I had been secretly been hoping it would: getting rid of those annoying kids. There’s a recap of the episodes more awesome (RE: only important) parts at Warming Glow. I just wish they could have shot Carl without hurting that poor deer.

3. Beers in the Clubhouse

Jon Lester recently apologized for the whole “beer, fried chicken, and video games” in the club house thing. (By the way, in my new self help book “4 Days rest”, beer, fried chicken and video games are the three pillars of enlightenment.) Now there are reports of the players drinking in the dug out, which the team denies. I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not like they were going to be called on to pitch in the game. If coach told me I wouldn’t be getting the ball tonight, you’d be hard pressed to find me within 100 feet of a pair of pants. (By the way Beers in the Clubhouse is a good, old guy band name.)

The sale of the Philadelphia 76ers went through yesterday and today they had a press conference to announce the list of owners and changes that they are planning to make. First off they fired that hack of a General Manger Ed Stefanski (The guy that signed Elton Brand to probably the most un-tradeable contract of all time) slashed 9000 ticket prices almost in half and started a website that will help Sixers fans give feedback on how and what direction they would like the franchise to go.

But lets be serious, all of that news pales in comparison to the bomb that was dropped during the press conference. Will and Jada Smith with be minority share owners of the team. ARE U EFF’N KIDDING ME BIG WILLIE STYLE!?!?! The Fresh Prince and HawthoRNe! Agent J and Niobe! I might actually care about basketball again. I hope this leads to Rap battles between Jay -Z and WILLenium before Nets/Sixers games to hype the crowd. Get pumped Philly, this might actually make the Sixers fun to watch again.

Like this:

This is what happens when you mistake Pujols' HGH shot for your Botox Tony

So the Cardinals will be representing the NL in this years World Series. Not that I give a shit. My baseball fandom for the year died shortly after Ryan Howard’s Achilles exploded. I was nervous to play the Cardinals all along. Anyone that said “Oh it doesnt matter who we play, the best team always wins” is a idiot ::hanging my head in shame::. If you have a chance to literally pick your opponent in the playoffs and that opponent would have been the fucking Diamondbacks, why don’t you do this?!?!?! AHHHH it still infuriates me. No, we had to play Albert Pujols, Lance Berkman, Matt Holiday, Chris Carpenter, as well as Rafael Furcal who is rocketing up my list of most hated athletes.

The Detroit Lions are turning their season into something special. A perennial loser for the past decade, many experts picked the Lions to be the dark horse of the season, and so far they have not disappointed. At 5-1, the Lions have done just that, and if it weren’t for being in the same division as the Packers, they’d be early leaders for a first round bye in the playoffs. Alas, every team has to lose and the 49ers happily handed the Lions their first of the season on Sunday. The 49ers are strong team as well this year, and the Lions shouldn’t be down on themselves for losing to them. It’s not like they’re the Jets. Or the Giants. Per usual, the game ended with both coaches shaking hands, and that’s where things get interesting. Don’t limp wrist me, ESPN.

Jim Harbaugh charged across the field, lifting his shirt to expose his belly to attempt a chest bump. He extended his right hand to Jim Schwartz for a shake and slapped him on the back with his left hand. Schwartz didn’t like what was done or said — claiming he heard an expletive — and went charging after Harbaugh. What an emotion-filled scene following a meeting of turnaround teams that matched pregame hype in San Francisco’s 25-19 victory over Detroit on Sunday.

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Am I ever going to get over the Phillies losing? Honestly, it’s been a week and Im still ready to jump off of a fucking cliff. I’ll have more on that when I finally gather my thoughts…..or I may kill myself and you’ll never get my season wrap up on the Phillies. Here’s week 6. To follow up on my anger towards the world I will continue themed picking. This week will be: player that may possibly be dead…in fantasy football terms. but maybe life as well.

Social Networking

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I don’t think Mike Vick could have executed a Beagle any better than Arron just did. People may say the taunts afterwards were classless, but if you knock someone out with two punches, i think it gives you the right to do a little taunting. Cue the “He learned all those scumbag fighting moves in Philly!”

Well you are probably not going to hearing a whole lot from me considering I hate sports now. But some good news did emerge from the rubble of my soul today. Phish is doing a four night run at Madison Square Garden for New Years Eve. I just entered the lottery and could potentially have about $750 coming off the books if I hit on all of them (never gonna happen). So I thought I would share some of Phish’s best nights at the round room. Good luck, these tickets will probably sell out in about .11 seconds so hit that lottery and hit that bitch hard. Oh and if you have any extras tweet me! @Captain_Dan95