Tuesday, August 21, 2018

10 Tips For How To Respond to Someone Who Is Coming Out

Coming out of the closet never ends for a gay person. You have to do it all the time. Constantly. For the rest of your life.

Every time you make new friends. Get a new job. Talk to people at a party.

I start every morning looking into the mirror and screaming "YOU ARE A FABULOUS HOMO."

And it's never not a little stressful.

But it does get easier, which is good. It's good that it gets easier because coming out to people at the beginning is phenomenally intimidating. I don't know if I could find the right words to really explain what that kind of fear feels like. They should make a new word to describe that feeling. Judy Garland should include that word in her lecture when she visits people as a ghost to tell them they're gay (that's how we find out).

Since I have now come out to roughly, let's see, multiply by 60, carry the one, take the square root, ELEVENTY million people, I know everything and I'm ready to mansplain it all to you so please read the below in as condescending a voice as you can muster.

(Note, I am aware that not everyone is the same and that some of the ideas below may work better for some people than others, and I welcome any of you with insight to chime in in the comments. I offer these only as general thoughts that have occurred to me over the years.)

1. Asking a possibly closeted person whether they are gay is usually a really bad idea.
This is a preliminary tip. I wish we lived in a world where asking whether someone is gay or straight could be as casual as asking them whether they are left or right handed. But we don't.

I think that asking a person who is not ready to come out whether they are gay is almost always traumatizing for the person. I don't mean that hyperbolically. I think it literally causes trauma that can take years to unpack. It also puts the closeted person in an impossible position--they either have to disclose something they aren't ready to disclose, or they have to lie about the thing about which they are the mostsensitive and probably deeply terrified. They'll usually lie, and that lie will be an awkward memory for them for years to come, no matter how understanding everyone else tries to be about the reason the person lied.

I'm sure there are instances when asking this question is fine, but I really believe those are the exception--not the rule.

"But, I'm just trying to open the door and show the person they can talk to me about this!"

That's awesome. And I think there's a better way you can do that.

2. It can be super helpful to just let a person you think might be gay know in a general sense that you are someone who is safe to talk to about this.
Instead of asking a person if they're gay, making it a point to talk casually and optimistically about the topic with them can really go a long way. Talk about your gay friends with the possibly closeted person. Compliment gay relationships that you admire. Skylar said that when he was a teenager his mom would positively talk to him about advancements for gay rights she saw in the news. He believed at the time that she was trying to open the door for him to come out. I have no doubt that this sort of thing made it at least a little easier for him to finally confide in his mom a few years later. A piece of the mystery was gone: mom doesn't hate gay people, so she probably won't hate me.

I know that sounds dramatic. But you need to understand: a terrified young gay person may greatly fear that you hate gay people and therefore might hate them unless you very consciously and regularly find ways to reassure them that you aren't that kind of person.

But even if "hate" is too strong a word for what they might fear, "disappointed" or "uncomfortable" may still be appropriate.

It might seem crazy to you, but when you're young and closeted and alone and hearing atrociously homophobic statements from all kinds of people in your life, it can be very difficult to see things clearly.

3. Be enthusiastic.
Whatever you're feeling and whatever you think about the topic, I implore you, when someone comes out to you, set everything aside and just be enthusiastic and positive for them. I cannot tell you what miracles you can perform for a gay person at their height of vulnerability by communicating to them how happy you are for them.

Smile. Tell them you are so proud of them for doing something that you can tell was incredibly intimidating. Tell them you love the gay people you know because so many of them are so kind or thoughtful or [fill-in-the-blank] and that it makes sense that this person is gay because they have that characteristic too. Thank them, sincerely, for confiding in you. Tell them you feel honored that they would do so. Reassure them that you are an ally, and tell them what that means. I had a colleague once tell me that she would wield her substantial influence to protect me if ever I was mistreated in the workplace because I was gay. This was beyond comforting to hear.

4. Maybe don't tell them that you "still" love them.
Look. I hate being nitpicky about word choice when intent is clear. But I think this one matters. People frequently tell gay people right after they come out things like:

"I want you to know that this doesn't change how I feel about you."

"I still love you, no matter what."

"This doesn't matter to me."

I know these statements are coming from people who mean well, and I've never been upset at someone who has said them to me, but I really think they can do some harm. The premise or implication of these kinds of statements is "you just told me a negative thing about yourself, but my love for you is great enough to overcome it."

However you feel about the topic, your gay friend or family member is never going to be straight, no matter what you say. So the least you can do is not further validate the shame they have probably lived with their entire life.

Instead of signaling that you think they've just shared bad news with you, maybe try some more positive messaging.

"I'm so glad to hear this; I think some of the world's best people are gay."

"I have always loved you so much; this just makes me love you more. I didn't know that was possible."

See how much better that sounds? Can you imagine how much more loved you would feel if you heard something like that after sharing a very vulnerable piece of yourself? "I want you to know that I still love you" is something you say when a person has deeply disappointed you.

5. Ask questions, but read the signs and maybe don't get too specific.
This person has told you a big thing; but that doesn't mean they are ready to tell you everything about their life. Asking questions to a person who has just come out to you is a great way to show them that you care and that you are interested in understanding this big thing they worked up the courage to tell you. But getting too personal and specific can make the coming out experience more stressful.

Ask things like:

"Have you told other people, and what has that experience been like?"

"What was it like growing up knowing that you were gay but not being able to talk about it?"

"What got you to the point that you decided to tell me about this?"

Don't ask things like:

"I know a few years ago you were really close with so-and-so. Is that because you had a crush on him?"

The disclosure is not an invitation to tabloid the person's life for them.

(Note: Skylar disagrees with me on this and said he wishes everyone would ask him as many personal details about his life as possible so if Skylar ever comes out to you, ask him how his last colonoscopy went.)

6. No religious sermons. Please.
I promise you. These will not make a positive difference. Either this person has a religious background as well, in which case they have thought way way way way way WAY more about this than you ever could have (I promise. For reals.), or they don't have a religious background, in which case they really won't care about your religious sermon. In any event, it won't do any good, and it might actually do some harm.

This advice really extends to an anti-religion sermon too, by the way. Personally, I've rarely cared to hash out my thoughts about religion and the gay issue with straight people. I've got too many good things in my life to focus on to want to spend any energy being bitter or defensive about religion at this point. I've had non-religious friends assume that I was ready to rag on church with them the moment I came out. I was as uninterested in that as I've been in receiving a sermon on the topic.

Most gay people are fatigued on the religion issue. Let them have some peace.

Maybe the gay person will want to talk about their religious beliefs with you. Great. Let them bring it up. If they don't, you can safely assume they aren't interested in having that conversation with you.

And if they do bring it up, take this gentle reminder, again, that whatever you say will not stop them from being gay, but it very well might make a difference on whether or not they are able to love themselves.

7. Promise the appropriate level of discretion.
It may already be obvious, but if it's not, ask them if they want your discretion on this. If they are in the early stages of coming out, they probably will want your discretion. Respect that. The last thing this vulnerable person needs during this process is to feel like they are losing control of the process.

I also think it can be really nice to offer to help the person come out to others. They may decline, but even the offer can feel like a very meaningful gesture of support.

I never felt like I needed someone to go with me to come out to someone else. But I did have friends offer to tell their spouse or some other person in their life with whom I'm not particularly close. I always appreciated this--both that they didn't just assume that they could go tell other people and that they were offering me a way to not have to talk to every person I know about my big news, an exhausting conversation to have even just once.

8. Consider not telling them that you "always suspected" or that you knew this already and you were just waiting for them to come out.
I know a lot of people who don't care at all about these comments. But I think they can be uncomfortable for some, and they are rarely positive for anyone. These comments almost feel like the person is saying, "I have been more enlightened than you about who you are and I hoped you would eventually learn this thing that I already knew about you."

It's just kind of annoying. And it can also make the now-out gay person feel extra vulnerable and embarrassed to think back to all the times they thought they were sufficiently hiding after now being told they were doing that badly.

I think it's ok to tell a gay person that you suspected or felt like you knew they were gay for some time, but only if they ask you. If they say, "are you surprised by this news?" I think it's fine to say something like, "I don't think so. Of course no one ever really knows what anyone else is going through, but I'm not surprised that you're gay."

(By the way, I'm not referring to your many comments on my coming out post about how none of you were surprised. I opened the door there by making a joke about how me being gay was a shock to no one. Have at it.)

9. Offer to connect them to other gay people you know.
They may not be interested in taking you up on the offer, but even just suggesting it can show the person that you support them and that you want to be there for them as they go through this intimidating experience. And if they do want to take you up on it, even better. When a gay person first starts coming out, finding stable gay friends can literally be life-saving.

Notice that I did not say "set them up on dates with all the gay people you know."

I was fortunate enough that my childhood best friend came out a few years before I did. I believe he was a robot created by God and planted on this Earth to keep me from going crazy in my life. I wish every gay person coming out of the closet could have their own Sam.

10. Bring the topic back up at a later date.
The next time you see them, acknowledge the fact that they came out to you recently. Be casual about it. "Hey, last time I saw you you told me you were hoping to come out to your brother. How's that going?"

This matters. It shows the person that even after you've had time on your own to think about it, you are still supportive and positive about this. You don't have to obsessively talk about it for years to come and your relationship doesn't have to revolve around this. But this thing is a big deal, and it's good to acknowledge it.

There were people I came out to who never really mentioned the topic to me again and this was confusing and unsettling for me at times. On the other hand, friends who asked me how dating was going and what my gay friends were like made me continue to feel safe with them.

I had one friend who spent the next two weeks after I came out to him texting me roughly 50 memes of Liza Minnelli. That works, too.

*****

Every person and situation is different, and there's no perfect script for this sort of thing. But I think you can do wonders by figuring out how to be the person your loved one needs.

I think these are great and wonderful (mostly) and I want to thank you for posting them.

In the spirit of discussion I'd love to discuss this tip: "Tell them you love the gay people you know because so many of them are so kind or thoughtful or [fill-in-the-blank] and that it makes sense that this person is gay because they have that characteristic too."

This tip worries me because of the generalized nature of it. A person's sexuality has a lot to do with who they are. I know mine does (as much as I avoided it for all of my adolescence). However, it's not all the person is. Tying characteristics such as kindness, benevolence, a sense of style, etc. to one's sexuality might be a slippery slope. Given my work environment and probably who I generally am as a person - I know a lot of homosexual people. Some of them are wonderful. Others are asshats (pardon the language) (not that we know what asshats are!) By saying that you're not surprised someone is a homosexual because they have these characteristics other homosexual people you know have seems akin to saying that all Asians are good in math or all Mexicans are bad drivers (note - I don't believe these things - they are examples of stereotypes to make my point).

I do like the comment: "I'm so glad to hear this; I think some of the world's best people are gay."

I think this is more affirming without being specific and allows for there to be not-so-great gay people in a person's life as well.

Yeah, that's a good point, and maybe someone can better word what I'm trying to say. The point isn't that all gay people are a certain thing or that there's some gay gene that gives you a certain personality. There's a particular shared experience for gay people in America (not everyone has the same path, but put a group of gay strangers in a room and let them talk about what their life has been like and you'll usually find a lot of similarities). This generally shared experience can often produce a unique perspective. For example, my gay male friends tend to be more frequently tuned into and vocal about sexism in the workplace than my straight male friends (not always, but often), and I believe that a lot of that probably stems from having had the experience of being in the minority or experiencing workplace discrimination--that common experience has helped them develop a characteristic that is an honorable one. I think it can be affirming and supportive to acknowledge how a person's experience of being gay has probably helped shape some of the characteristics you most like about them. So it's not "oh, the gay juice in your body makes you nice" but more "I've always known you to be a really thoughtful person and I wonder if your experiences in this have helped you become this way."

Does that make more sense? Less sense? Am I hatemonger? Should I close Stranger down? Am I straight now?

I didn't take it as you were suggesting stereotyping - just that I could see it being seen that way so thank you for clarifying your thought process behind it.

For the record - when you came out to us my first thought was "Of course you are - because many of my favorite people on earth are gay!" I'm not sure if I said it at that point so I'm saying it now - you are very much like some of my favorite people on earth who also happen to be gay.

And thank you for sharing some of these experiences you speak of with me. In the last few years I've really began to explore and understand my privileged as a heterosexual Christian white woman and people sharing their experiences with me has been such a valuable part of that journey.

Love this. Especially number 10. I may not want to tell you everything about my life, but i would like to not always be the one who has to bring up the gay subject.

also, i agree with you. Coming out is a continual process. I came out to my ward twice years ago. But now it seems like i'm half way back in the closet because i'm to wore out to keep coming out to people.

I always have the hardest time not saying “I knew that. No surprise etc.” I have a few friends who never explicitly came out to me but rather just started saying they thought some boy was cute or asked me if so and so was dating anyone or if my cute friend was gay etc and that was so awesome because they didn’t have to have any direct conversation with me and I didn’t have to risk saying something dumb. And even better, it didn’t make their sexuality a thing we had to discuss (I never have to do that with them). I know that approach isn’t for everyone, and maybe their relationship with me is unique, but I loved how it worked for us!

One of my favorite ever coming out experiences was a couple of years ago when I was at a family thing and Skylar called me on Facetime (he was out of town for work). My cousin Cody was sitting next to me and asked who that was on my phone. I had never come out to him but I just said "this is my boyfriend." Without even the slightest hesitation or look of surprise, he just grabbed my phone, put his face up to it, and yelled "IF YOU'RE THE BOYFRIEND THEN WHY THE HELL AREN'T YOU HERE HANGING OUT WITH US?"

I've adopted the lowkey coming out. often i'll just act like they already know. Make a gay joke. mention a guy is cute. who knows it it's the "right" way. Often it's resulted in an awkward thing. but this way i don't have to keep track of who i've told and who i haven't.

Ok. I've said the "I still love you" comments multiple times before and now I'm kicking myself. I don't know why it never occurred to me how damaging that kind of message can be. I don't think my friends I've said it to have ever walked away feeling hurt by that (I hope?) but I have no doubt that there was a subconscious message in there that I considered them being gay as a strike against them. I feel horrible about that right now. Thank you for all of this, but especially for that one. In the future, I'm going to be a lot more careful.

My daughter came out to me when she was 10 years old (she's now 22). I had already suspected/kind of known it, but she had seen our family's tolerance and acceptance first hand, and she told me that it made it much easier for her when she chose to come out. Kind of like what you said about Skylar's mom – she heard me vocally supporting LGBTQ rights, getting angry over homophobic comments people made, had seen me roll my eyes when movies and TV portrayed gay people as stereotypes, etc.

Also, it makes a big difference when, as a parent, you let your (possibly gay) child express him or herself the way they want. When my daughter was 7 YO, she wanted to get her hair cut "like a boy" and wanted us all to call her Jack. We happily did as she asked, and it showed her very early in her life that her family loved, accepted, and supported her.

May I say something about item 4? Is it really that awful to say to someone that you "still" love the person coming out? From what I've experienced, some gay people are specifically afraid of that very thing: that their mother/father/sister/brother will NOT love them if they knew the truth. But maybe a better way to say it would be, "I love YOU, as you are, WHO you are, and nothing will change that."

Honestly, yes. Many of the people I've come out to have told me this same thing. Being told "Well,we can love you despite this." Or, "I can still love you" just sounds bad. For me, it sounds like people are telling me that I'm a bother. That me being gay is something that is a nuisance to them, yet they are gracious enough to still endure my presence. That there is a problem with me that they are willing to overlook. It just comes off as insincere. I'd rather someone just tell me something like, "I love you and I'm happy for you." Just a little bit different phrasing changes the whole feeling of the conversation. Sorry this got a bit long winded. This has just been my experience with coming out as a lesbian.

Ditto to Eli and Cady. It is really hurtful to hear people say they “still” love you or “this doesn’t chang anything.” Gay Guy here. I’ve heard those things a dozen times. Every time it sounds like they are rising above being disgusted by me, this disgusting person. It would be so much better to hear them say something like “good for you! I love you so much and I’m so happy for you!” without using the word “still.” Imagine telling someone who was engaged or pregnant or some other positive thing that you “still” love them. They would think you considered their news a negative thing.

I think a lot of it depends on the nature of your relationship and how well you understand each other. It also comes down to impact vs. intent (something I bring up a lot)--your intent may be pure, but the impact once the words have left your mouth may be vastly different from the intent, and you can't control the impact.

So the general advice is to avoid the phrase because it may not land right and have a negative impact, but if you can adequately convey the intent or anticipate the impact, you're probably fine. (just note that if this is earth-shattering news, or if the other person thinks it is, then the whole paradigm has shifted and you probably are not on steady enough ground to anticipate the impact at this time)

I had tons of people tell me they "still" loved me when I came out to them and I hated it. It felt so dismissive and sad every. single. time. I remember feeling like I was delivering bad news that they were amazing enough to overcome. My mom did it right--she said something to the effect "I love who you are and so if you're gay, I love that you're gay, because that's who you are." She made me feel like my being gay was a beautiful part of me instead of a handicap. This matters.

I start every morning looking into the mirror and screaming "ELI IS A FABULOUS HOMO." And it's never not a little stressful for me either. My neighbors all wonder who you are and why I must praise you every morning at 6 am.

I'm very behind on the blog so I missed the coming out post, if there was one. But a huge congrats! Thank you for sharing another part of your life with us. But now that it comes up...can you maybe not share all the details? Specifically Tami and your feet? We all heart you from your perfect hair down to your ankles but that's where it stops.

I especially agree with #10. The number of times I essentially felt like I had to come out twice...ugh. I thought I handled things the first time, but then we've gone weeks (or months!) without ever broaching the topic again, and I'm not sure what you actually feel at this point, or if you're even comfortable with me being open with you, etc. etc.

Luckily now I just don't care what other people think about me, so if I think they're hedging I'll just be completely ridiculous in their face or something.

Those are all great recommendations but what is the coming out etiquette with cake? Does the person coming out provide the cake or does the person they come out to provide the cake...or do they go dutch? Or maybe pie?

In all seriousness we sometimes worry so much about being "right" or "correct" that we say or do things that come off as insensitive. What we need to remember in important interactions like these is that we're all just humans looking for love and understanding. Like most things it seems to help when you pause, think "if it were me would what I'm about to say help or hurt?", and then proceed from a place of love and compassion. I'm guilty of being blunt or abrupt because I didn't take time to think before I spoke and sometimes it still haunts me.

I have enjoyed reading your blog for many years. I feel your stories really embody the gamut of human emotion and experience in a really fun and relatable way. And now I can really appreciate your blog even more because a few years back, my now almost 18 year old son did a very brave thing and came out to my husband and me. He is still closeted and it is so hard as a mother to know how to navigate him in the community we live in, because he doesn't feel accepted and is hurting and this mama bear can't fix it.And in a sense, I also feel like for the past few years I also live as a closeted gay as well. It has been a HUGE eye opening experience to what LGBT people go through. I have experienced many of the same comments as you have described in the LDS community as I am LDS as well. It used to really feel like I was being gut punched when I heard these comments. It still does, but most of the time I feel like it is just ignorant. And I also think in my head "yeah, well everything you just said to me is gonna be realllly awkward for you when my son comes out."Thank you for sharing this part of your life. Your words have been a real game changer for me. And you really give me hope that my son will be able to one day be comfortable in his own skin and realize that he is the amazing person that I already know he is.