Party goes missing in desperate search for old votes

Mystery continues to surround the abrupt disappearance later this evening of the ALP, which vanished from the nation’s political radar in the early hours of tomorrow morning, causing widespread dismay among the party faithful.

Confusion over the ALP’s whereabouts deepened when Sussex Street admitted it had no idea what had happened and was searching an area hundreds of miles from its last known ideological position in order to find a scapegoat.

“The search for the missing ALP has been widened following a complete failure by the party to find itself after this latest calamity," explained a distraught official.

The official was referring to the twin disasters of this weekend, in which the ALP plummeted simultaneously in two separate state elections, hampering all efforts to pinpoint the precise location of the disaster.

“At first we thought the party went down somewhere over the Tasman Sea, but now we’re getting reports that it actually sank without a trace much further west. Several witnesses recall hearing loud swearing and banging of fists emanating from just behind Adelaide’s South Terrace in the early hours of tomorrow morning."

In the latest potential lead, a Chinese government agency website said a Chinese satellite had photographed three “suspicious floating objects" on Sunday morning in waters northeast of the Great Australian Bight and several hundred kilometres south of Victoria, which appeared to be large pieces of debris that resemble
Bill Shorten
, Jay Weatherill and Lara Giddings; all of whom are rumoured to be completely at sea.

Other reports of flotsam floating in Lake Burley Griffin have been discounted at this stage, with ALP powerbrokers insisting there will be no soul-searching until after the final results of the ballot are known, which may take several days. There is some confusion as to the precise number of victims due to the large number of faceless men aboard the doomed craft.

However, experts have warned that the ALP was almost certainly attempting to navigate its way back to the light on the hill when disaster struck. Compounding the tragedy, some true believers have come forward to confess that the light on the hill had been switched off permanently many years ago and would have been of no assistance whatsoever. Authorities deny the stricken ALP may have been running on autopilot for more than a decade.

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Those searching for the wreckage of the ALP are now convinced that the party took a hard left turn before rapidly losing voter support.

The mystery behind the bizarre disappearance of the Labor party has caused the internet to explode with a fantastic array of conspiracy theories about how such a large object could just vanish into thin air. These include the following:

No ballot box

Some conspiracy theorists have wondered whether the absence of the so-called ballot box could mean that the vote was tampered with, pointing to similarities with the recent calamity in Western Australia, where 1300 votes went missing and still haven’t been found to this day.

Pilot suicide

One rumour has it that the ALP was deliberately brought down by the suicidal tendencies of its pilot and his stubborn refusal to abolish the carbon tax. Another rumour suggested the opposition leader had tried to do a U-turn at the last moment on the mining tax, which in turn led to hysteria among the party faithful, mass panic and an all-systems failure.

Hijack theory

Others suggest the ALP has been hijacked recently by the Greens, who deliberately crash-landed the party somewhere in the vast jobless wilderness of Tasmania’s World Heritage National Forests.

Human error

Many people are believed to have made a fatal error by voting ALP under the mistaken belief that they were in fact voting for the party of Hawke and Keating. They won’t make that mistake again.

Fake identities

Footage from CCTV cameras suggests two fellow travellers who boarded the party back in 1998 and seized the controls in 2006 did so using false identities; one purported to be a fiscal conservative and turned out to be a profligate wastrel, and the other claimed to be the victim of repeated misogynistic attacks but was later exposed as a hack union fraudster.

Self-inflicted damage

Rumours continue to circulate of cracks being spotted in the fuselage following a collision between two giant egos back in 2010, when
Kevin Rudd
’s leadership was punctured by
Julia Gillard
’s ambition. Despite repeated attempts to cover up the extensive damage, the party has failed to get airborne ever since.