Twitter Script

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Donald Trump: There is an incredible spirit of optimism sweeping the country right now—we’re bringing back the JOBS!Ronaldo: Just dream it and achieve your potential!Frankie Boyle: Never underestimate how much newspapers would rather your column didn’t contain a joke about Rupert MurdochLamisa: Massive thanks to @DaveMUFC16 for getting a quarter of his pint in my hair last night

Donald Trump: JOBS, JOBS, JOBS!Loaf: Thumbs up for our elegant NEW Thankster? Let’s hear it for this sofa in our gorgeous new Old Rose vintage velvet…Frankie Boyle: Oh fuck the Trump rally just started with a terrified Melania saying the Our Father. This is like the fucking Omen.Lamisa: Revising outside has turned into lying down listening to music

Donald Trump: Buy American & hire American are the principles at the core of my agenda, which is: JOBS, JOBS, JOBS! Thank youTesco: Start the New Year with some brand-new apps to help you achieve your resolutionsFrankie Boyle: I think that an inauguration where Trump escaped Houdini-style from a locked vat of hookers’ piss would really get the whole country onsideLamisa: Gutted about the end result but had a great night with some top people

Donald Trump: Thank you for the great rallies all across the country. Tremendous support. Make America Great Again!Frankie Boyle: Can’t wait to see what new UKIP leader comes riding out of the gates of MordoLamisa: I have 10k followers-why? I’m a female who has an interest in football. Simple.Tesco: Whether playing or watching, celebrate the weekend’s sports with a slice of ‘post-footie’ pizza just like dad Alan.

Donald Trump: CEO’s most optimistic since 2009. It will only get better as we continue to slash unnecessary regulations and when we begin our big tax cut!Frankie Boyle: 2017 won’t be all bad. For a few people living just the right distance from nuclear strikes, the radiation will cure their cancer.Lamisa: I’ve actually got a resting bitch face

Donald Trump: Great progress on healthcare. Improvements being made – Republicans coming together!Loaf: We’ve had a spring clean & knocked a few quid off of lots of squishy sofas & brilliant beds! They’re raring to go..Frankie Boyle: It’s raining Thursday. Brexit. Economic crash. Food riots. Slide into fascism. At war with China. Trenches all across Mongolia. Bloody rain.Lamisa: Don’t let the attacks in London distract you from the fact that Jake Livermore is starting for England tonight.

Donald Trump: We are making great progress with healthcare. ObamaCare is imploding and will only get worse. Republicans coming together to get job done!Frankie Boyle: They say it’s the hope that kills you, so we should be okayLamisa: Top day. Brought three points back, met some great people and proved that I’m not a catfish

Donald Trump: ObamaCare is imploding. It is a disaster and 2017 will be the worst year yet, by far! Republicans will come together and save the day.Tesco: Never know what do with tofu? Make the most of the versatile ingredient in these 10 quick and easy dishesFrankie Boyle: I honestly think people should soft pedal this no state visit by Trump stuff. Let’s get him over and turn it into a proper fucking circus.Lamisa: Some people need to try watching the game at Old Trafford instead of filming everything to put on Snapchat

Donald Trump: A budget that puts #AmericaFirst must make safety its no. 1 priority—without safety there can be no prosperityTesco: Spring clean your home, and your finances! Enjoy the warmer weather with our smart money-saving tips.Frankie Boyle: Got a choice of afternoon movie here people. Trainspotting 2 or La La Land. Bear in mind I hate jazz and Edinburgh.Lamisa: Dad just took my Herrera phonecase off my phone and put it in the bin

Donald Trump: Despite what you have heard from the FAKE NEWS, I had a GREAT meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel. Nevertheless, Germany owes vast sums of money to NATO & the United States must be paid more for the powerful, and very expensive, defense it provides to Germany!Frankie Boyle: Gaga better come out wearin’ a burqa and raisin’ a black-gloved fist or I’m breakin’ my damn TV and whatnotLamisa: legit hate it when lads say they tLamisa: Dawsonnnn

Donald Trump: The Democrats made up and pushed the Russian story as an excuse for running a terrible campaign. Big advantage in Electoral College & lost!Loaf: No smoke without fire? Our Smoke bed is hotting up with all those redsFrankie Boyle: Terrible to think a Trident missile could malfunction and incinerate millions of the wrong civiliansLamisa: Apparently I upload too many selfies so here’s a video instead

Donald Trump: For eight years Russia “ran over” President Obama, got stronger and stronger, picked-off Crimea and added missiles. Weak!Loaf: Is our Digs daybed a comfy, space-saving seat? Or a sturdy occasional bed? You decide…Frankie Boyle: The same people who think it’s ridiculous for Mexico to be asked to pay for America’s wall think it’s fine for us to pay for TridentLamisa: imagine being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t take an interest in football, I would not be able to cope

Donald Trump: James Clapper and others stated that there is no evidence Potus colluded with Russia. This story is FAKE NEWS and everyone knows it!Tesco: Think pesto is all about pasta? Check out our 10 top tips for making the most of a storecupboard staple.Frankie Boyle: Looking back, the Harambe situation is the closest working model we have for a Trump presidencyLamisa: Michael Oliver is a wanker

Donald Trump: North Korea is behaving very badly. They have been “playing” the United States for years. China has done little to help!Loaf: No smoke without fire? Our Smoke bed is hotting up with all those redsFrankie Boyle: Trump’s going to prove a lot of people wrong, but sadly not George Orwell, Margaret Atwood, or whoever wrote the Book of RevelationLamisa: Only person I trust is Jose Mourinho

Donald Trump: Terrible! Just found out that Obama had my “wires tapped” in Trump Tower just before the victory. Nothing found. This is McCarthyism!Tesco Mobile: Google have just made it even easier to watch cat videos with your friendsLamisa: United are banning people because of their views on social media, surprised I ain’t got sacked yet

Donald Trump: How low has President Obama gone to tapp my phones during the very sacred election process. This is Nixon/Watergate. Bad (or sick) guy!Tesco Mobile: Check out these six tips to keep your phone secureFrankie Boyle: Call me a cynic, but when male politicians defund reproductive health centres, I always wonder how many abortions they’ve funded themselves

Donald Trump: I’d bet a good lawyer could make a great case out of the fact that President Obama was tapping my phones in October, just prior to Election!Frankie Boyle: World leaders’ names always sound better in a Scottish accent.Netanyahu sounds like a really cheap Glaswegian internet package.Lamisa: I’ll never love anyone as much as I love United. Fact.

Donald Trump: It is amazing how rude much of the media is to my very hard working representatives. Be nice, you will do much better!Frankie Boyle: Imagine Nazi Punching became the new Ice-Bucket Challenge, the puncher yelling ” I hereby nominate Jackie Chan and Dwayne ‘The Rock”Lamisa: just because it’s not posted on social media, doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

Donald Trump: Don’t let the FAKE NEWS tell you that there is big infighting in the Trump Admin. We are getting along great, and getting major things done!Loaf: Hunkering down just got a whole lot more comfy with our NEW Dixie love seat chaise! Sitting pretty here in Midnight plush velvetFrankie Boyle: Looking forward to when Trump declares a state of emergency and everybody has to stay indoors while his tweets are read out over a tannoy

Donald Trump: Does anybody really believe that a reporter, who nobody ever heard of, “went to his mailbox” and found my tax returns? @NBCNews FAKE NEWS!Lamisa: How do so many people think I’m a catfishDonald Trump: Can you imagine what the outcry would be if @SnoopDogg, failing career and all, had aimed and fired the gun at President Obama? Jail time!