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Friday, 6 September 2013

Fancy Dress

I have met a lot of people in my time and let me tell you
straight up; You are all awful. Like really, really awful. You are the reason I
live on my own and you are the reason I drink. That being said there is a sure
fire way to make you even worse and that is to put you in fancy dress. Fuck
you, you fucking kook.

Some prick once said ‘sarcasm is the lowest form of wit’ –
They were completely wrong. The lowest form of wit is you dressed as a kangaroo.
Or a zombie. Or a nurse. Or fucking Lady Gaga.

Hold on a minute… Are
you telling me you went to a party dressed as Lady Gaga? Really?? I mean you, a
male, dressed as a FEMALE celebrity?! You’re blowing my mind… Hold on, you didn’t
have a lightning bolt painted on your face did you? You did?!! Holy shit man,
YOU are a fucking funny guy and not at all a cunt.

Being in fancy dress is like shitting on your hands and
clapping.

Shitting? Fine.

Clapping? Fine.

Shitting on your hands? Weird, but fine.

Shitting on your hands and clapping? Why the fuck would you do that?
I’m stood right next to you. You’ve sprayed faeces on me and you’re getting it
everywhere. Your once private act has now left you and everyone around you
covered in shit.

Likewise, when you leave the house dressed as Charlie
Chaplin you’re basically covering everyone you come into contact with, in your
own filth.

Leaving the house? Fine.

Seeing your friends? Fine.

Leaving the house dressed as a wookie? No need. Fuck your
life.

Trust me, no matter how hilarious you think you look dressed
up as a pirate – You are NOT funny. When you and your friends enter a pub and
wave your plastic swords in peoples face – You are NOT funny. When you stand up
and loudly announce that you are going to the ‘barrrggghh’ – You are NOT funny.
No-one in the room is thinking ‘Jesus those guys are having a great time’ they
are thinking ‘Fuck I hope that guy dies’ You are covering yourself and everyone
around you in metaphorical shit.

When you run down the high street dressed as the 118 men and
shout ‘I’ve got your number!’ at the people you pass by – You are bringing
yourself, and everyone around you, down. People aren’t thinking ‘Those guys are
class’ they’re thinking ‘I’ve just brought I kid into this world… What the fuck
was I thinking?!’

You are the lowest of the low and I find your very existence
abhorrent. So if you’re planning on wearing fancy dress this weekend, come find
me. I’ve got a bowel-full of shit with your name on it.