Category: Satire/Parody

Breaking News — from A-FNN

Dateline — Washington DC

A-FNN White House correspondent Amber Gris reports that unnamed, but highly placed, sources within the Trump White House have confirmed our earlier reports about President Trump’s decision to re-work American policy towards North Korea.

President Donald John Trump

In an astounding reversal of his long-standing policy of confrontation with Kim Jong-un, President Trump will announce tomorrow that the United States, its allies and the People’s Republic of China will end their sanctions targeting North Korea. Instead of sanctions, billions of dollars in aid will be given to its government and people. The aid will include, but will not be limited to the following:

5 million smartphones, enough for 20% of the country’s population. Included in this will be 1 year unlimited access accounts with the provider of their choice. (With his Mr. Kim will receive his own Twitter account, Facebook page and the Candy Crush app.)

2 million iPads

5 million Microsoft Surface computers pre-loaded with a Korean language version of Windows 10

100 McDonalds restaurants (including one reserved for the exclusive use of Mr. Kim and his family)

50 Domino’s and

50 Papa John’s pizza stores

100,000 tons of Frito-Lay snack products

1 year’s supply each of Coke, Pepsi and Bud Light for the entire population

100 years supply of high-fructose corn syrup

In an effort to combat a perceived lack of healthcare for much of the Korean population Sen. Bill Cassidy, Sen. Lindsey Graham and Sen. Joni Ernst will tour the country espousing their ideas regarding healthcare reform on the Korean Peninsula.

Rep. Duncan Hunter, Rep. Paul Ryan, Sen. Mitch McConnell and Rep. Nancy Pelosi will give a presentation on the advantages of a democratically elected legislature and its noted efficiencies in getting new and reformist legislation enacted with a minimum of hassle.

These, and other related measures, will be proposed by Mr. Trump during his speech tomorrow before the NAAPMS (National Association for the Advancement and Preservation of Moral Sanity).

Breaking News — from A-FNN

Dateline — Washington DC

A-FNN White House correspondent Amber Gris reports that unnamed, but highly placed, sources within the Trump White House have confirmed our earlier reports about President Trump’s decision to cut funds from the Federal Budget for California’s earthquake early-warning system. Also included was the decision to eliminate funding for tsunami-monitoring stations in oceans.

When asked about this President Trump replied: “Yes, we intend to focus on core USGS science and efficiency. While California (a state in which millions of illegals voted for my opponent in the last election) will lose funding, states which sit astride the New Madrid fault in the interior of our nation (and legally voted for me) will see earthquake research monies increased.

“Most of the rest of our great nation cares nothing about “Blue California” and will little mourn its loss in a major earthquake. Besides, I and many of my colleagues own land in California’s interior, and its neighboring states which will become valuable coastal resort properties when California slides into the Pacific.”

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Breaking News — from A-FNN

Dateline — Washington DC

A-FNN White House correspondent Amber Gris reports that unnamed, but highly placed, sources within the Trump White House have confirmed our earlier reports about President Trump’s about-face regarding the current investigations regarding his campaign’s and administration’s ties to Putin and Russia.

According to these sources, Mr. Trump will issue instructions on his return to the United States that all members of his administration cooperate fully and openly with any and all queries issued by the special prosecutor’s office regarding ties to Russia. Also, included in this are those active who were in his campaign but not currently employed by his administration.

“Openness and transparency in government are important to the working of our political system,” said Mr. Trump. “I am therefore instructing all of those associated with my administration and campaign to fully and truthfully answer all pertinent questions posed to them by Justice Department and Congressional investigators.

“Also, hiding behind the Fifth Amendment is unacceptable. A person who hides behind the Fifth Amendment is merely confirming his guilt.

“Truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is the only acceptable behavior for those entrusted with running the government of the United States. Only through the truth will we be able to Make America Great Again.”