You know how it's 2012, so literally everything is full of cancer now and we're all going to die? But maybe you thought you could achieve a normal lifespan by sitting motionless on your couch and never, ever touching anything or going anywhere ever? Well, bad news, my dears, because your couch is trying to kill you too. Your couch is a monster. The call is coming from inside the couch.

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Eight out of 10 couches contain flame retardant chemicals that are linked to heightened cancer risk, developmental delays in children or are lacking adequate health information, according to a study released today by UC Berkeley and Duke University researchers.

The study also shows an increase in the number of couches bought throughout the U.S. that contain flame retardants. That number went up even though California is the only state that has a flame retardant regulation. While 75 percent of couches bought before 2005 contained a flame retardant chemical, the rate rose to 93 percent in couches bought since 2005, the study found.

So, basically, what I'm getting from this is that I should invest in a nice chaise lounge. Or that we're all fucked and should probably just party.