Wednesday, February 24, 2010

A Note to a Concerned Public

If you've read more then one or two posts on this blog, you probably have a good idea of who I am. I can be serious. I can be silly. I can be emotional. I'm definately opinionated and quite the smart ass. I try to mix some humor into my stories. Whether or not it's actually funny, well you can be the judge of that. What I do think I have done is open my heart and post the things we've been going through for the past two years or so, at first in the hope that I'd find someone who's been there, and now so that maybe our experiences can help someone else who may not know where to start. I've met an entire community of bloggers that have welcomed me into their circle. Ultimately, I wanted a record of what this has been like so someday my little girl can read it and see how our family came to be created. All honest, all open.

Adoption is a fact of life. Every one is different, as everyone is different. I'm so thankful that we connected with a woman that has a good head on her shoulders, who has really thought about what she was doing, and who wanted the best for Sabrina. Ten and a half months have passed since her birth, and her birth mother, with the support of her family (and I hope to a degree us) is doing very well. We have a constant email and picture exchange, and we are all very excited to meet up for the first time since the birth next week when we go to California for finalization. Even more special for us, we will be meeting at her mom's house. We were going to take them to lunch, but her mom wants to make us lunch so we can all relax and feel comfortable while we get to know each other better, and they can enjoy Sabrina. We are very happy to welcome each other into our respective families and bond over our common love for this special little girl.

As she grows older, no matter how well we think we're doing, she's going to have questions. She's going to have times where she may feel some pretty intense emotions about being adopted. Add to that the fact that she's got two fathers. I don't pretend to know what this will feel like. I don't have that experience. But I do know what it feels like to grow up and know you're different than everybody else. It can be pretty overwhelming at times. The lines of communication with us will always be open. She has friends that have same sex parents. There is a support system for that. I have a feeling her birth mother will be there for her. Hopefully after next week, so will her birth grandmother. Not to mention the huge adoptive family who took her into their hearts from day one. She's going to be fine, and I bet she'll be a hell of a strong woman when she grows up.

Why am I posting this? Apparently my happiness over having a baby has angered a small group of adult adoptees and holy rollers. I've been told I hate adoptees; am stealing my daughters heritage and celebrating her loss of identity; the usual "God hates fags" mantra; had profanity filled tirades flung at me, my partner, and my family in general; and Tiger Woods has stopped answering my calls (OK I made that last one up). I've even had posts featured on select hate blogs. Ah the price of fame...

This blog is about my family. It's not a forum for debate, so yes these comments have been and will continue to be deleted. Compared to the vast majority of comments of friendship and support, there are not very many of these. So bitterness, profanity, and good ol' fashioned fire and brimstone are going to be removed (the lame attempt to guilt me into keeping them there by starting the comment with "you're prolly (sic) going to delete this but..." isn't working). I've enjoyed your rants, but if I want to read a page of misspelled grammatical terrorism and irrational hatred, I'll pick up Sarah Palin's new book.

35 comments:

I'm so sad to hear that you were on the receiving end of hate. It's quite pathetic, isn't it? I found your blog months ago as my husband and I set out on the adoption journey, and I've loved reading your words. I love that you are who you are, and it angers me that you would ever have to answer to anyone because of who you are in. The birthmother of your daughter was obviously very wise to select you and your partner as parents. Your daughter is surrounded by love, and at the end of the day, what is more important than that?

I've also started receiving some hateful comments on my blog. I sometimes wonder if all some people do all day is sit around and find people to be targets. It's really quite pathetic.

I'm glad you are going to continue to blog, because I always love hearing what's going on with your fam.

I am sorry that your getting the mean spirited comments. I have only had once experience of it and I don't like it, but the many many nice people who comment outweigh the negative ones. It makes me feel good that you are honoring Sabrina's birthmom and her family. It's not easy being a birthmom, but I hope open adoptions are decreasing some of the pain.

Ahhhhh, so somehow they found you too??? Although they have not personally attacked me, they have attacked some of my other bloggy buddies. Sad isn't it? It is pretty obvious to all those that they are trying to "reach" that they are all full of anger , rage, and pain. Time to start moderating your comments, and just delete them at first site!BTW, you know how much I love your blog!

How frustrating and lame. You know, I hate to say it's funny, but in that annoying I-know-better-than-your-actions-way it is funny [not Your actions - theirs]. It is so often that people like that are insecure and hiding behind these ideals of righteousness because they are afraid to think for themselves. It is infinitely lame and annoying and I'm sorry they are bothering you. This was a touching and lovely post that may one day become Sabrina's favorite. She is very lucky to have two daddies that love her as much as you do. I grew up with only one dad [no mom] and felt love unlike most of my peers. Sabrina is very lucky and those lame-os should get a life!

You are amazing. But that is just the opinion of this dairy fed wisconsinite who doesn't know you from adam. Though, I am pretty sure you ARE amazing. And you are doing a fantastic job as a dad. Sabrina is going to grow up with two wonderful dads who love completely. THAT is what is important.

First... I am sorry this has happened to you guys. Second... Thanks for sharing this! We too have been singled out during our adoption journey. This has happened via our blog and in person. Mind you, most encounters are positive but every now and then we have someone trying to steel our joy. Adoption can be a hard road but in the end it is a joyous one. Thanks you for sharing your story. Your words and "humor" give hope to all waiting families.

On another note, I am very happy that you are able to form a lasting relationshiop with Sabrina's mother and Birth Family. This is a wonderful gift you are giving your child. And by the way... you have created a beautiful family!

There is a segment of the population that continues to horrify me. I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with their ugliness and hatred. They're the ones that should be well and truly ashamed of their actions.

I check your blog every single day to see if there's a new post...my 12 year old son waits for new pictures of Sabrina...my hubby hears about the posts that I find especially amusing. Please, please, please don't let these idiots get to you. They're not worth any of your energy. Hmph.

Oh, did I mention that my hubby has the ability to drop bombs from his plane? Just sayin.... ;)

I so sorry to learn about the nasty comments that have been directed your way (no doubt largely anonymous). My family is different too (single mom; no dad), and while I've undoubtedly lost out on some friendships, I haven't been vilified, to my knowledge.

You and your lovely daughter have a lot of friends and fans out there. Keep up everything you're doing.

You know, I think I still have relatives in the Tong...just give me the word, I'll take em out!

People who leave hateful comments, in my experience, are very unhappy and unfulfilled as people. It is merely a guise for their own self-loathing and disappointment. Rather than confront the mirror and try to address why they are so unhappy, they seek an easier more cowardly tactic and take out their anger and frustration on others.

It does not matter under what banner they use as their rationale, they are all the same. Cowards. As hard as it can be, ignore them. To acknowledge them is merely feeding their misplaced need for attention.

I'm a more recent reader, via 2 Mom with a Plan. My partner(wife) and I love it! As two white moms, raising our bi-racial biological boy, along with current plans to adopt a bi-racial child... we thank you for putting your story out there! I've heard it all to - my poor son, with no male role model and 2 moms - give me a break. He has many strong males in his life and I also believe will grow up to be a strong minded person, confident in who he IS, regardless of some peoples opinions.

I am a new reader to your blog, and I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy reading it and what a service it provides to those of us who are considering going on journeys similar to yours. Thanks for sharing.

From my side of the Atlantic I was outraged as well but ....at the end of the day how fortunate is the gorgeous Sabrina - to be so loved and cherished and the truth of that will withstand any bigotry ! Jane xPS my tibetan terrier loved the biscuit recipe but found eating them in moderation a challenge !

I just found your blog. What a lovely family you have. Sabrina is a blessed little girl to have a dad who is so articulate, sensitive, self-aware, compassionate, and loving. (Actually, I imagine that she is blessed with two such dads, as I don't doubt your partner is any less than your equal.) You inspire me.

I am sorry that people who claim to be filled with God's love have treated you so hatefully. But know there are some church-folks cheering for you and eager to learn with and from parents like you.

I have never commented on your blog before although I have had the joy of reading for many months. I still come back for more. I love you guys!! You are so real, so kind hearted and full of life.

I am one half of an inter-racial couple and thankfully it has never been an issue for my husband or myself. Hopefully this will remain true for our 18 month old daughter. Unfortunately, there are just WAY TOO many people in this world with WAY TOO much time on their hands. I don't care who you love, what color they are, etc., as I'm sure you could care less about my love life, too. The two of you wonderful men took the reins and are going to give this beautiful baby a wonderful life full of LOVE!!!

God bless you and forget everyone else.

May you continue to post for all of us to follow your amazing journey!

Bobby, Gregg and Sabrina. I'm sorry to hear that you've been on the receiving end of "the haters". It's hard enough being who we are and putting up with all of the anti-gay discrimination, having it include your kids is even worse.

Speaking of anti-gay bigots, select members of the Arizona legislature passed Arizona House Bill 2148, this is the adoption discrimination bill that basically gives adoption preference to "married" heterosexual couples over singles and non-married couples (same-gender marriage is not legally recognized in AZ).

This bill still has to pass the State Senate and then has to be signed by the Governor, I think?

In the immortal words of Gandalf hopefully this bill "Shall Not Pass!"

For those of you in Arizona that would like to take 30 seconds to send an email to your elected reps. telling them to oppose this bill, here's the link:

Well, I for one am very sad that you have to deal with that crap. As you know our choice of surrogacy in India was/is controversial as well, so I know some of the hate that it ensues. I have also had the amazing opportunity in meeting you, Greg and beautiful, sweet Sabrina (and yes everyone reading, she is even more gorgeous in person). You are some of the most down to earth, humble, sincere, funny and open couple of guys I have ever met. Gerry and I are honored to call you our friends and neighbors. You know you always have our support and love. Stay strong and continue to keep the blog about you. Who cares who reads and what they think!!!

This makes me so mad! I don't understand how anyone could find anything wrong with a child being loved as much as your daughter obviously is. I know you don't want to give these idiots any more energy, but feel free to send their info to me. I have several choice words I'd like to share with them!!!

I'm sorry to hear that you've been on the receiving end of that crap, but glad to hear that you seem to be handling it with your usual good humor. I've never understood what people like that think they're going to accomplish, anyway. Do they really think you're going to read their comments and go "They're right! I should abandon the family I love and my sense of self in favor of living a lie in a desperate attempt to cling to a narrow-minded view of the way things should be! Where's my suitcase?" I mean, really.

I'm a firm believer in free speech (even asinine speech), but that doesn't mean you have to host it. I would delete such comments too.

The world would be in better shape, I think, if there were more people as loved and loving as your family clearly is. (I suspect they're just jealous.)

Ugh! Really? Really? In 2010! from anyone that has read any part of your blog all they can take away from it is that you must be judged. BULL SHIT! It is total bullshit. You know this, but I'm sure it still has a sting.

I only see love and honesty when I read your blog. I wish people would just stop spreading hatred. I'm sorry.Lisa T. @ Babyville

First, enjoy your upcoming trip to CA. Finalization is usually a surprisingly VERY emotional moment for us adoptive parents who "already know it's wonderful". May your time with Sabrina's birthfamily be just as great.

I'm sooo sick of hateful comments that people share and go OUT of their way to do so. It's just so wrong. You are great dads raising a beautiful, smart little girl, period. Why can't people keep their ugly stupid comments to themselves? Why do they even have to care what's not in their own yard? Just doesn't make sense to me, but then that's humanity, the lovely side. Small minds. . . I'm glad you'll moderate a bit here -- use your delete button whenever you need to!

This is a great post. Sorry that you have to deal with those who have nothing better to do than hate on others, but then will quote bible verses in the same breath (or typed line). Self-righteous, ridiculous freaks are beyond annoying. But I don't have to tell you that.

Gosh, makes me feel better about the feeble traffic my blog gets. I haven't got any hate stuff yet. When it's aimed at you it's one thing, but when it's aimed at your family that must be so awful.

Just remind yourself that on the net you meet all sort of people, including the shitty ones. Your blog is very important and very inspiring. Keep doing what you're doing. Let the haters seethe and boil as you read about your happy and well adjusted family.

So well said. It's amazing to read your posts and know that there are other families like ours, experiencing similar feelings. Love, worry, joy and strength. Family is a wnderful thing - stronger than hate and bigotry. Your daughter and our son are very lucky and happy children. Thanks for sharing with us. Chris.

Well we knew this would have its trials, we knew this when we decided to be who we really are. Keep standing tall, stand up for who you are and who your family is. I wish I knew who some of those people were. Most companies do not retain employees who write hate mail on the inter net. Learned that from experience. You both are perfect dad's. Sabrina Loves you and everyone else can go pound sand.

Though we have not been on the receiving end of mean-spirited remarks, we have had a few stares, a few "where's Mom?, "giving Mom a day off?", and my all-time favorite, "babysitting, I see." Since when is taking care of your own child babysitting? I digress. Back to you...

In any case, I am sorry to hear about your experience. My advice: who gives a shit! Who cares what other people think about you, Gregg and Sabrina. In every pic, she looks incredibly happy and content. Y'all are doing a fabulous job raising her, despite the fact that she eats like a dog.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with people like that, their opinions don't matter, so please don't let them hurt you. I'm a new follower, but I'm touch by your story and I think you are both great fathers from what I can see. Congrats on your baby girl!