Things I've Learned Watching Soap Operas

SOAP’S LIFE LESSONS…
Lather, Rinse, Repeat

My mama taught me a lot of things, but there are some things you can ONLY learn by watching the soaps.

Such as…

Only on the soaps does everyone automatically know the phone numbers for the entire town. And beyond. Doesn’t matter if it’s a restaurant, business contact or an ex they haven’t seen in 20 years, they will automatically know the phone number without having to look it up.

Always work on top secret information with your back to an open door. If you don’t want anyone to hear your top secret phone calls, again make sure the door to your office/hotel room is wide open.

Cops never bother to take statements from people at a crime scene, thus sparing them a lot of paperwork.

Once you get divorced, your ex will become the sensitive, caring, loving man you always wanted him to be when you were married to him.

If you are pregnant and have a heated argument with someone, chances are good you will suffer premature labor pains or miscarry.

Only on the soaps will someone come to visit and during the course of the scene, the homeowner will rush off to work, leaving the visitor in the living room to “lock up” after themselves.

Your S.O. will only decide that he/she loves you right after you do something incredibly stupid….like sleep with someone else.

Lots of people will walk around saying they ‘wish you were dead’ or ‘could just kill you’ riiiight before you die. It’s almost as if they know something you don’t…wink, wink.

If you have a child, you won’t have to waste much time raising him/her. They’ll spend much of their time on “overnight visits” to friend’s houses, then be shipped off to boarding school. They’ll return when they’re in their early 20’s and full of hatred for you and your current spouse.

When you hear the words, “If it’s the last thing I do, I’ll make you pay!” or “I HATE her! I wish she was dead” and last but certainly not least, “I could kill her with my bare hands!” you know someone’s contract is coming to an end.

If you are lost at sea or lost in a foreign country for years and years, you will always return looking fit and buff. Sometimes your teeth are even whiter than when you left.

If you’re a man, it doesn’t matter how old you are or how bad your toupee is, the young women will be turned on by you. If you’re also rich, they’ll be even more turned on by you.

A person will always flatline AT LEAST ONCE if he/she is near death. And they will ALWAYS flatline on a Friday, at the end of the episode. If they have just signed a new three year contract, they will miraculously recover. If not, they’ll go to that big soap sudsy bath tub in the sky.

If you’re the resident soap psycho, you will talk to yourself and make scrapbooks or collages of those you hate. Psychos always have that artistic bent.

Even though it’s been around for quite some time, some women have no idea how to use birth control or even that they should be using it.

When your attorney assures you that he will have you “out on bail in no time”, pack your jammies. The judge will undoubtedly consider you a flight risk and refuse to set bail.

If you are a detective, don't rush to collect that vital crime scene evidence. Wait till morning and after the entire town has trampled through the scene. No worries. When you go back to the scene, you’ll always find one tiny bit of evidence that will break the case wide open, no matter how long it's been since the crime occurred. NEVER will a cop yell, "Leave or go to jail!" when people are walking through the crime scene. The more the merrier!

When the attorney says to his client, “Now sit quietly and let me do all the talking,” prepare yourself for a MAJOR outburst (probably several) from the client. The judge will then have to warn the defendant with contempt charges many times. The judge will NEVER follow up on said contempt charges, though.

Rich kids rarely move out of Mommy and Daddy’s house, even when they’re in their 40’s and 50’s. They just get married (and divorced and remarried) and keep right on living with the folks. They hardly ever seem to have enough money to build their own homes, and when they do try to build their own homes, an affair with the architect is a given, and the house will be built within screaming distance of Mom and Dad’s residence.

If a major character on a soap is on trial, fear not. Unless they're contract is up, they'll only spend about two or three weeks in jail, then they'll be released or their sentence will be overturned. Or another town resident will be arrested and sent to jail along with them.

Doctors are very careless about leaving important patient files laying around where anyone–usually a private investigator or stalker–can find them.

SOME SOAP SPEAK:
“We’ll be together forever and ever.”
“Forever” =about three weeks.
“Forever and ever”=about four weeks.
This statement always precedes a break-up. It is a must: “No one will ever come between us.”
“No one will ever know”–this means someone is busy spreading the news around at that very moment.
"I'm so glad our marriage is stable." Uh oh, rough seas ahead.

If you have a twin, one of you will be evil, a slut or an evil slut.

If you have something you don’t want anyone to see, draw great attention to it, then “hide” it somewhere anyone can find it. If you kill someone, check on the body frequently to be sure it’s still there, all the while talking to yourself about how you hope no one ever finds out what you did.

The “Videotape Rule” states that if you have something self-incriminating on videotape, don’t ever destroy it. Hang on to it indefinitely, pulling it out from time to time to remind yourself how very self-incriminating it is, how it will ruin your relationship should your S.O. find out, and how you’ll get around to destroying it “later.”
“Later”= seconds AFTER someone finds the evidence and uses it to blackmail you.

If a man buys a woman clothes on the soaps they will always be the right size and perfect to her tastes. Unlike in real life.

If you sleep with two different men in a matter of hours or days, you will always become pregnant and confused as to who the father is. Sometimes they both are.

If you are taking birth control pills, your S.O. will replace them with placebos and you will be none the wiser.

It is incredibly easy to walk into a hospital and don the identity of a doctor, complete with lab coat, stethoscope, name tag and all. And it’s even easier to break into the hospital computer system and change paternity test results.

Seeing and talking to ghosts is quite common on the soaps. Some people who see them will be considered 'crazy', some will be saying 'goodbye'. Sometimes it's a toss up between the two.

Private Investigators can find out any information you need, because they have contacts everywhere. But when it comes to their own lives, they couldn’t find a penny if it was in their loafer.

Everybody drinks from elegant crystal, even if it’s just water. Everyone has huge vases of fresh flowers in their home.

It is very easy to fake an entire pregnancy. Even when you’re living with the father of your child.

If someone is having a heart attack and/or needs cpr, do not call for medical assistance. Instead clutch their chest and scream their name several times. It works in all instances in which the actor's contract isn't up.

If a body is never found, don’t waste your money on the funeral. They’ll be back.

If your relationship is on the rocks, sleep with someone else. That’s a surefire way to bring your ex back.

Even if you had several problems in your previous marriage, re-marry your spouse. Often. If that doesn’t work, marry all of his siblings and his father,too. You’re bound to get it right sooner or later.

If a soap plot line was successful the first time around, it will be used over and over.

If an actor/actress wants a pay raise, they will threaten to leave the show, sit back and let their fans get the money for them.