A popular meme claims there is a “War on Women” in America. Unlike an actual conflict, this conflagration takes on as many metamorphoses as there are maniacs to proclaim it is occurring. For thinking individuals, “feminism” means equal rather than identical. Yet the only thinking done in this mêlée is the degree to which everyone thinks their opinion is right.

All of the following have been considered proof positive of one’s hatred of the fairer sex:

• Believing a woman who goes through more than five boxes of prophylactics (approximately 60 condoms) in a month (roughly $30 worth) is more than likely a whore or sexual deviant means you do not disdain that particular woman but all women everywhere.

• Believing whether you agree with their dogma or not, certain religions should not be made to subsidize the sexual behavior (or nymphomania) of others is clear indication of your animosity toward women.

“These days, ‘feminism’ only means having the same opinion as the loudest dame in the room.”

• Believing it is not a positive thing to abort a baby in the second trimester, even when it could survive outside the womb, shows you hate women (though supporting such carnage evidently does not mean you hate babies).

• Believing any baby born which still has so much as a little pinkie toe still inside its mother isn’t ripe for chopping up means you detest women.

• Believing any woman who claims she was raped must proffer some kind of proof of said allegation in court aside from her word means you are a Doubting Thomas Woman-Hating Troll.

• Believing that any woman anywhere at any time might make a false allegation of abuse for money, notoriety, or simple mental instability means, yes, you loathe women.

• Believing that being a woman is not, of itself, a good enough qualification to be elected to any office means you are a woman-abominating Old Boy’s Club member who is probably homosexual anyway.

• Believing it is unseemly to rejoice in being “the first woman to ever do X” when we are all supposed to be equal means you are secretly filled with fury at women everywhere.

• Believing women in a traditionally male sport are fine but if so everyone plays on a level field, as in auto racing where equipment must be balanced so as not to give a woman weighing 100 lbs. less than a man an unfair advantage, then you clearly scorn women. (If you mention a certain woman hasn’t won a single race since the enforcement of such conditions you detest her, all female racers, and every vagina on Earth.)