Here, Let The Duggars Show You How To Make Out

OK. I don’t know about you, but my parents did not, at any point, teach me how to kiss. I also feel reasonably sure that if I took a poll of everyone I knew and was like “Did your parents teach you how to kiss?” they would look at me like I was nuts. I mean, on my part, I don’t think anyone did. Not specifically anyway.

My friend and I used to practice on our arms, and I probably learned some stuff from “Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret” and also I remember this one episode of “Laverne and Shirley” where they were teaching a developmentally disabled teenager how to kiss and they explained to her that you were supposed to mouth the word “whisper,” which she then tried to do on her date with Lenny (man, the 70s were really inappropriate!). Still, I figured out most of it on my own.

But I’m not a Duggar! I guess, if you are a Duggar, you wait until you are basically an adult, on your wedding day, to kiss someone. I suppose if you wait that long, you can’t just like, wing it as a plucky 8th grader might do with a cute and definitely-too-old-for-her boy at a Patti Smith/Bob Dylan concert. So, as a Duggar, you might get kissing lessons from your parents. On national television. While the whole world cringes.

This “kissing lesson” was filmed, but not aired, before Jessa and Ben Seewald’s November marriage, so it is safe to assume they have gotten to first base by now.

“Both of you’ll like the physical relationship, but [for] the guy [it] will be kind of like the main focus,” said dad Jim Bob, speaking with the authority of a man who has sired 19 kids (and counting).

“Let me show y’all the best way to kiss here,” Jim Bob Duggar explains, leaning in to land one on Michelle “If you kiss straight-on, your noses hit together – see? So you have to turn – she turns one way, (I) turn the other.”

REALLY. Because I thought that you just mashed faces. Just like, you know, go right for the nose. Or the forehead. Who knew that you were supposed to turn your head? What’s next? Do you just keep your faces dramatically pressed up against one another like in old movies? Do you call it a day and just go play some Chutes and Ladders? Really, Duggars, I’m going to need more detail here.

You know, the weird thing here is that I feel like I am the prim one in this situation. Like, my face is bright purple watching this right now. I want to die on behalf of my college-age self who would definitely fall down dead were my parents to explain kissing to me on national television. But then again, I guess, I am not a Duggar.