UtahJazz.com

Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball. Jimbo, by virtue of being recently featured in the Deseret News, is now the world’s most famous Utah-based basketball mailbag artist. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.

Q: Thoughts on the new Jazz unis?

@JazzManZach

My first thought when I saw the new uniforms was, “Huh? New uniforms?” The second thought I had was, “Kevin Durant is gonna look killer in these!” Then, my third thought was, “These have the potential to convince some of those former Laker fans that are now Warrior fans to become Jazz fans.” Fourth thought, “Please let this be the year they start selling Jazz capes!”

Overall, I’m cool with the new Jazz uniforms. I have a few issues with a couple things, but they’re a definite improvement from any of their mountain designs. Really, ever since they changed back to the note design I haven’t had a lot of complaints.

Here is just a short list of some of the tiny issues I had with the new uniforms:

UTAH is still on the rear of the shorts making it dangerously possible for our own players to accidentally poof right smack on the name of our great state.

The sleeved jersey neckline doesn’t plunge as far as I had hoped it would.

I understand the Jazz note was created at a 66-degree angle, but part of me thinks it would’ve looked better had it been a 67-degree angle. Possibly even 68.

It’d be cool to have maybe one more alternate uniform with a graphic element to it. Like, maybe a handcart or a giant seagull or a middle-aged lady swatting at a cluster of tiny gnats while walking to a 7-11? I don’t know. Just spit-ballin ideas here.

It was obvious that they omitted the color purple entirely from the Jazz design color scheme. And so soon after the passing of Prince? They should be ashamed.

I would’ve appreciated the sleeves and the shorts being longer on the Pride uniform. It’d be pretty awesome to be the first NBA team to play in coveralls.

To be honest, I think the Jazz uniform designers did a stand-up job. They should be publicly recognized or given medals or something. I wouldn’t hesitate to give them some of my old 5K medals. Not the 10K ones though. I worked hard for those.

Q: Who’s the coolest guy in your office? Do you have an office? Or a job? (besides your important efforts on Twitter, of course)

@spenbear

This question has inspired me to play a little game. It’s called “Six Lies and a Truth.” I’m going to list seven occupations and you guess which one is real. Sound like fun? Well, fine, then maybe next time YOU pick the game!

First let me get a few things out of the way — yes, I have a job AND an office. That is, if you call the cab of a custom-built 18-wheeler an “office.”… or is that a lie? Yep, it’s a lie. I’ve actually never ridden in an 18-wheeler… even though I manage a whole fleet of them… actually, no, that’s also a lie. SO many lies and the game hasn’t even started yet!

OK, here we go. Remember, don’t take this too seriously. The point is to have fun. Here’s the list:

I work for a non-profit organization that trains feral cats to run the back rooms of Payless ShoeSources. It’s an experimental industry, but my company is on the verge of a major breakthrough in animal-human-shoe intelligence. We’re starting to get some VERY promising results.

I work for an architectural company that designs new and exciting sno-shacks.

I am a corporate manager in charge of three or four Hobby Lobby’s. I can’t remember for sure how many. I REALLY hope it’s not four.

I started my own 4D printing business where the fourth dimension is just piles and piles of grass clippings.

I’m a secret shopper for 15 Fed-Ex Kinko’ses up and down the Wasatch Front.

I am what they call an “Animal Barber.” I’m basically the guy in charge of making sure that the condition of all orangutan and ape fur is pleasing to zoo patrons. I’m over all the zoos west of the Mississippi. The animals aren’t sedated for this, so things can get pretty… hairy. (Sorry about that).

I manage a store called, “Threes NOT a Crowd!” It’s basically just a store that sells TONS of three-hole punches and three-ringed binders.

OK, so did you guess which one was true? If you guessed number 3, then you were wrong. Actually, they’re all wrong. I don’t share personal information on the internet and I advise you all do the same.

Q: If we see anyone wearing an old Jazz uniform, are we supposed to boo them relentlessly the entire game?

@JimmerFrodette

I mean, you aren’t REQUIRED to do that, but it would definitely help rid the state of prior Jazz jersey mistakes.

We’re all human. We’d all like to forget about our prior mistakes and missteps and the Jazz franchise is no different. For me, I would pay anything to be able to forget about the time I got so nervous on a first date that I talked non-stop about those souvenir keychains you get with your name on them and then for some reason couldn’t stop burping. That’s a whole different mailbag though.

I just perused the Utah Jazz website and found a list of instructions for properly disposing of your old Jazz memorabilia. It says that if you own a purple road jersey from the 90’s you are supposed to burn it immediately. To properly dispose of all other outdated Jazz memorabilia, they advise you to follow the steps below:

Gather memorabilia and pile it in the center of a room or yard.

Scold the pile like you would your 14-year-old son had you just found out he stole headphones from the mall.

Apologize to the pile and explain that times have changed and you need to make things right again.

Next, wrap the pile inside a white or off-white fitted sheet.

Ball up the sheet with twine and secure it with a triple knot.

Stuff the sheet ball into your garbage can or recycling can and leave overnight.

At 5:30 a.m. the next morning, retrieve the sheet from the can and bring it back inside the house while repeatedly muttering, “Why did you make me do this?”

Set the sheet ball in a kitchen chair and set the table for breakfast. (Make sure to include a place setting for the sheet ball.)

During breakfast, tell your kids that the sheet ball is the newest member of the family, that it should be treated with the utmost respect, and that a photographer will be taking family pictures in an orchard when they get home from school.

After the kids have gone to school and your neighbor has gone to work, bury the sheet ball in your neighbor’s front yard.

When your kids return home and ask about the sheet ball, pretend you don’t know what they’re talking about and convince them that they made the whole thing up.

***Listen, I know this is probably the weirdest thing you’ve ever read in Jimbo’s Mailbag, possibly the weirdest thing you’ve ever read period, but just remember that nobody’s perfect. We’re all in this crazy life together, so why not relax and enjoy it?***

Q: Assuming Gail consulted you regarding the new Jazz secondary logo, how did your concept(s) look?

@azamatsecoy

I’ve never actually met Gail Miller in real life, but something tells me she knows who I am. In fact, I hesitate to say this, but sometimes I feel like the Jazz are spying on me to steal my ideas. The evidence has been piling up for at least a decade.

Check this out:

Six years ago I was at a Jazz game with a friend and I told him that the Jazz should really think about getting a better jumbotron. Three years later they installed a state-of-the-art jumbotron.

I told a group of kids at the mall that I wouldn’t attend another Jazz game if they re-signed Big Al Jefferson. That summer they let Al walk.

One day not long ago I told my grandpa that the Jazz mountain logo was tired and outdated and needed to be replaced by either the old Jazz note or a saxophone on fire and what did they do? They played around with the fiery saxophone idea for a while and ultimately decided the note was a better choice.

Last year I told one of the concession managers that he should think about replacing nachos with delicious chicken. The following season Chick-Fil-A moved in.

Last summer I was smack dab in the middle of putting up a new shower curtain when I thought how awesome it would be if the Jazz had a round, multi-colored ball as their secondary logo. Now, you tell me how they would know about my secondary logo idea if they weren’t reading my thoughts?

Like I said, too many coincidences. I hope I get to one day meet Gail. She seems awesome!

Q: Gonna be fun when Kevin Durant is on the Jazz and he’s doing this for us next year in the playoffs, am I right?

@jazzlifer

Yes, I agree. That WILL be fun! We should definitely plan on that happening.

From what I’m hearing, Durant to the Jazz actually IS becoming more and more of a possibility each day. I probably shouldn’t be divulging this information, but I know a guy who’s a HUGE Thunder fan and he promised me that he’d try to get Durant’s phone number so that I can call him and ask him to fly out here this summer and spend some time letting me show him around our fine state. I can’t promise that he’ll for sure come and visit, but the Thunder fan seemed to be very confident in his abilities to attain information. Plus, he spent close to a decade in jail for starting a Ponzi scheme, so he can be pretty convincing .

When Kevin Durant comes, I’m going to make sure that he sees only the best parts of Utah. I promise you all that he won’t set foot in the north Orem area or anywhere south of Payson.

But it’s not the cities that make Utah great; it’s the people. And that’s why I want him to get out in the community and meet his future neighbors and friends. Here is a short list of just a few of the special people I’d like to introduce him to:

There’s a guy who works at a Maverick in Draper who sometimes lets me have my mug refill for free when he can tell that I’ve been crying. Just an all-around good dude.

There are a few married couples I know that look so much like brother and sister it would make even the toughest athletes in the world totally wig out.

There’s a 97-year-old man in Sandy who claims that he once went camping with Howard Hughes.

There’s an extreme couponing lady in Holladay who recently bought 654 toothbrushes for 16 cents. Still a Smith’s Marketplace record.

There’s a woman in Centerville who has changed the lyrics to many popular songs to be about motherhood. Check out her music videos. They are hilarious!

There’s an elderly man living in South Salt Lake who claims he invented the Slip ‘N Slide after slipping and falling on a wet spot at a Chuck E. Cheese.

There are a handful of other people I’d like Kevin to meet, but I don’t want to overwhelm him. Don’t worry, you guys. I’ll read his facial expressions and body language to gauge when he’s had enough.

Q: If Gail asked you to run a summer camp for all the Jazz players, what sorts of activities would you plan for them?

@Mikeyvp

First and foremost, I would thank Gail for giving me the opportunity to showcase my skills and talents through summer camp activity planning. I would promise her that every single player would leave my camp with enhanced people skills, a renewed vigor for life, and a closeness that can only be experienced after one of my camps.

That being said, the entire camp would probably just be centered around a whole bunch of trust falls. Don’t get me wrong, there would be plenty of personal sharing time and my kitchen staff would feed them well, but the main idea of the camp would be trusting others to catch you.

We’d have so many trust fall activities that at the end of the camp, none of the players would even think about locking their cars at the arena ever again. Seriously, there’d be so many falls that some of them will fall asleep during the trust fall falls.

Thanks for the questions, you guys. Remember to tell your bosses about Jimbo’s Mailbag. Do it right after asking to go home early because you have “Whoops-ing Cough” and then refuse to go into more detail. Make it weird.

Jimbo Rudding

I am a typical Jazz fan. I think Jordan pushed off, Derek Fisher lied, Bavetta cost us at least one game in the Finals, we should have drafted Tony Parker instead of Raul Lopez, and there will never be anything better than the Stockton to Malone days. I, along with Spencer Campbell @SCampbellSBN, started the first and longest-running Utah Jazz podcast on earth. I enjoy the in-of-doors and telling people a better way of doing whatever it is they're currently doing.