Welcome to 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow!! Some posts may be seen as offensive. Posting is at 10AM and 2PM CST daily. Six days of posts are on the main page. The archives have more. You can forward posts by clicking on the envelope at the bottom of the post. Enjoy your stay! *** If you need to contact me, or have a copyright issue, please use the "Contact The Wizard" form on the right side of 'OZ'. Original source and author is cited and credited in each post where possible. ***

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Thursday, May 31, 2007

A Catholic college has complained about new Haribo sweet wrappers which it claims portray fruit in sexual positions.

"We are shocked at the shameless presentation of sexual practices on the wrapping, which includes not only sexual intercourse but also fellatio and cunnilingus," wrote the St Blasien Jesuit College near Bonn.

The letter, complaining about the new packaging of Haribo's Moaom fruit chews, added: "It's irresponsible, to expose children to such pornographic representations."

The sweets wrapped in bright yellow, red and green colours show lemons, limes, strawberries, cherries and oranges playfully romping with each other.

But the college sees it differently. They were especially opposed to the lemon flavoured chews, which "undoubtedly show a green figure having sex with a lemon.

"The lemon, which from the drawing looks female, is obviously enjoying it with the greatest of pleasure."

Haribo bosses admit the new packaging is "very racy", but said in tests no complaints had been raised.

Spokesman Marco Alfter said: "The new wrapping is certainly fruitier than the old. But we have not had any other complaints. In fact until now the feedback has all been positive."

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied, "the sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.

That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right.. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull; all the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see....where did I put that useless boob?"

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's' office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well, the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "the rhythm method."

"That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record."

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said. Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The pail and saucer method." After a short delay, he told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow-up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.

Well, the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method, but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby."

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby."

He turns to the farm gal. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you?"

She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit

Taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him."

Q: Why do doctors and nurses really wear masks during an operation?
A: If somebody f----s up, nobody will know who it was.

Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.

Q: What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?
A: Line dancing at the nursing home.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a taxi I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Veronique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.

"Hello? can I help you" the woman says. Wow! She sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all lone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9 first."

Q: Why do doctors and nurses really wear masks during an operation?
A: If somebody f----s up, nobody will know who it was.

Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.

Q: What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?
A: Line dancing at the nursing home.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a taxi I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Veronique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.

"Hello? can I help you" the woman says. Wow! She sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all lone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9 first."

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage Bags with her, one in each hand.

There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag...

"Darn!" says the little old lady....."I' d better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!

So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

Possible energy ramifications of diminishing magnetic field. How long will it linger at zero before reversing?

Toilet Flushing

Seeing the powerful earthquakes such as the December 26th, 2004 event that triggered the tsunami disaster, people are looking for possible causes for the apparent instability of earth's crust. "End-times" alarmists and backyard researchers believe that the predicted imminent reversal of the earth's magnetic field may be a significant clue to these eschatological-scale events.

Scientists have been observing changes in the direction of earth's magnetic field which took place recently as well as in the distant past. NASA’s website features a map showing the gradual northward migration of the north magnetic pole in the past century and a half. Since more than double the time interval has elapsed since the last reversal, compared to the time lapse between the previous two pole reversals, some believe we may be overdue for the next north-south flip. However, though the interval between reversals of the Earth’s magnetic field can be as short as 5,000 years, it can also be as long as 50 million years. There does not seem to be any logic or rule governing the planet’s behavior.

It is not only the direction but also the strength of this magnetic field that is a concern. In the time of dinosaurs, at an estimated 2.5 gauss, it was eighty percent stronger than it is now. This may have been one of the reasons such gigantic life forms thrived. It is now accepted that a catastrophic event ended the reign of giant reptiles. However, they did not re-evolve to equivalent dimensions. And the disappearance of mammalian “mega-fauna” in more recent times is still considered to be a mystery. The mastodons and mammoths would have towered over modern elephants. Why are there so few large terrestrial animals today?

What happens when you flush the toilet?

The smaller average size of modern animals may be due to the gradual decline of Earth's "steady state" (as opposed to “pulsed”) magnetism. Thousands of years ago the Chinese, with their astute discovery of bio-electrical energy flows known as “meridians”, learned that magnetism promotes vigor in biological life. They used magnetic rocks in medical treatment. In the past century there has been a further decline of earth's magnetic field by another five percent down to only 0.5 gauss. This has led Dr. Dean Bonlie to identify a "magnetic deficiency syndrome" resulting from the biological stress caused by the weakening of this "energy base" for life.

The weakening of earth’s magnetism is one of the factors believed to be predictive of a pole reversal. That magnetic field reversals have occurred in the past is confirmed in the geological record. What is unclear is how precisely the transition occurs, and what happens to life forms extant at the time of this pole flip.

Does the magnetic field drop to zero gauss? Dire predictions follow upon the heels of this theory. Electronic devices would all be at risk: there may be damage to, or complete loss of, all near-earth-orbiting satellites and possibly the space station itself. Effects on life forms could range from migrating birds losing their sense of direction to immune system decline and even widespread die-off from radiation-induced cancers.

Losing its protective magnetic envelope, the atmosphere would expand and become thinner, possibly leading to altitude sickness near sea level. No longer filtered out, deadly cosmic rays would kill most if, not all, living creatures on the surface. Only those living in deep caves would be safe. This scenario has prompted some to build underground bunkers in hopes of surviving.

THE NOAH PLAN
A million years have come and gone.
The Earth is shifting towards the sun.
Synthetic atmosphere is lost,
And forces the computers off.
Communications are confused.
The tides reverse and start a chain reaction...

The seismograph prints out
incredible results.
It says we're losing all control.
We're losing all control.

The scientists around the world
decipher everything they're told,
but they don't really know.
They don't really know.

Instead of systematic,
the news becomes erratic.
No one can agree.
No one can agree.

The world is getting frantic
as people start a panic,
What does all this mean?

The sun is moving closer
and the atmosphere gets hotter
as the system overloads.
System overloads.

Fighting these adverse condition,
loading for the expedition,
Everyone must go.
Everyone must go.

The fools that think the worst is over
they won't live to be much older.
Why do they remain?
Why do they remain?

Everything is ready.
Everyone that's coming
has been safely brought on board...

The time has come
to leave again.
Activate the Noah Plan.
Returning to
the universe.
Give out the word:
Abandon Earth.

Magnetic fields surrounding us,
and pounding is increasing
as the ship is taking off.
Ship is taking off.

The ship is lifting higher,
the Earth is growing smaller
as we leave the atmosphere.
Leave the atmosphere.

We watch the Earth get closer,
getting closer, getting closer
as it drifts into the sun...

The time has come
to leave again.
Activate the Noah Plan.
Returning to
the universe.
Give out the word:
Abandon Earth.

The time has come
to leave again.
Activate the Noah Plan.
Returning to
the universe.
Give out the word:
Abandon Earth.

The time has come
to leave again.
Activate the Noah Plan.
Returning to
the universe.
Give out the word:
Abandon Earth.--Peter Schilling - Error in the System

Countering this frightening vision, NASA predicts that, rather than declining to zero gauss, the magnetic field would become disordered. Thus we might for short time have more than one north and south pole on the planet. This official scientific stance says that the magnetosphere which shields us from cosmic radiation would not entirely disappear either. Thus, while communications would be erratic and perhaps at times completely inactivated, humans would find ways to survive. However, there are dissenters in the ranks, pointing to the vast South Atlantic magnetic anomaly and radiation damage to satellites over that region attributed to weakening of the protective magnetosphere.

The disorderly-flip theory is supported by evidence from geology that in past reversals the decline was not total. Lava flows that solidified at Steen's Mountain during a lengthy reversal process show that the magnetic poles wandered across the equator three times. Though strength of the field was reduced to about 20% of maximum, there is no record that it fell to zero gauss during that transitional period.

The theory that activity in the turbulent molten outer iron core of the planet generates its magnetic field currently dominates scientific thinking. Stormy activity deep in the earth's outer core, believed to be filled with roiling convection flows of molten iron, is understood to generate the planet’s magnetic field. Such violent seething could affect the mantle as well, possibly disturbing the earth's crust and causing the quakes.

However, there is an alternate theory of how the magnetic field is generated. In his article, "Origin of the Earth's Magnetic Field", Ernest McFarlane outlines gaps in the molten-iron convection theory. He proposes a system of electronic cells in a crystalline metal core with hot spots of heavy metals releasing alpha and beta particles. Due to the high heat the alpha particles are unable to combine with the free electrons. "Consequently an electron current flow is produced and conditions are set up for the generation of current loops throughout the inner and outer core. ... magnetic fields are produced as a consequence, in accordance with the right hand rule of electromagnetic theory."

Which theory is right? We may find out from experience sooner than we can come to amicable agreement, given the conflicting theories and computer models. The actual dynamics may include aspects of both, or new insights not yet fully developed.

The sun reverses its magnetic field like clockwork every eleven years at the peak of the sunspot cycle. The next solar flip is due in 2012. South-pointing magnetic flux moves from sunspots, which are intense magnetic loops near the equator of the sun, along “meridional flows” to the north magnetic pole, and vice versa. As the oppositely-directed charge accumulates at the poles the field declines, until eventually the reverse charge predominates.

Scientists point out that the heliosphere does not wink out of existence during this reversal. The sunspots are intense magnetic knots, much stronger than the star’s main field, which continue to spiral outward even when the main dipole field vanishes briefly. Though the solar magnetic reversal is not completely understood, the Ulysses space probe has sent back detailed data which has supplied answers to many questions.

The mechanism that controls earth's field reversals may not be based on similar principles. For one thing, a planet does not seem to have any equivalent to the powerful sunspots. McFarlane refers to there being more than one north-south pole system and about 10% of the total field being involved in smaller extra fields. If these subordinate minor magnetic fields take up more of the magnetic activity during the main field’s decline, they might become active enough to sustain a minimal protective layer shielding the biosphere, even if the main dipole field declines to zero gauss. This could be important for our survival, as the Steen’s mountain lava flows indicate that the reversal took 4,500 years to be completed!

IMPLICATIONS FOR HUMANITY’S ENERGY NEEDS

Whether the magnetic field is primarily molten-metal flow dynamics or electron current loops, or a combination of those and other factors, a magnetic pole reversal may be of significance to the search for clean energy generation and transportation. If earth magnetic anomalies become more frequent or are concentrated in certain areas, we could see disruption of existing electrical grids, even without the dramatic atmosphere expansion and radiation damaging to life and computers.

PES Network Inc. wants to encourage people in all geographical regions to participate in magnetic-pole data collection and reporting. A community-editable directory page at PESWiki.com has been created for this purpose. It is recommended that you first establish a “base line” by determining the accurate magnetic north reading for your location, and report the number of degrees and direction of any deviation from this norm. If you are able to access equipment to determine field strength as well, this additional data would be of interest too.

This data may be useful in helping inventors and researchers test the tolerance of Zero-point technologies, magnetic motors and other new generation systems in adverse situations. As we may have to live through ongoing magnetic disturbance for a long time, we will need to know whether the new systems will be robust under conditions of planetary pole reversal.

Ordinary citizens do not usually have access to instrumentation that would allow them to examine the deeper layers of the planet, nor the high atmosphere, nor the magnetospheres in space. However, if many people collect observations on magnetic field direction from different locations across the continent of North America, and indeed around the world, this data may become relevant in more ways than feeding "end-time" theorizing.

The subject is complex, and whichever scenario may be about to occur, some individuals have been taking note of unusually large fluctuations in the apparent position of the magnetic north pole. Using a large, stationary, home-built compass, one individual in western Canada noticed a ten-degree variation within a few days. This was so unusual that, concerned about a sudden pole shift, he described and published his observations, and asked for input.

No one else was seeing this rapid "pole shift". (except this guy...)

On borrowing a very sensitive water-filled portable compass and quartering the area, he discovered that this was indeed a highly localized anomaly in which his domicile happened to be situated dead center. See his recorded readings at the link below. He is now theorizing that the phenomenon may be a vortex related to the nearby extinct volcano Mount Ida. Vortices have been known to occur in volcanic mountain areas, and in the past some have become tourist attractions.

Individual observations are of value, but need to be balanced by additional data from a much wider geographical area. Thus alarms about sudden general "pole shift" may be put to rest, and anomalies studied for what they are.

Ted Twietmeyer is one of those calling for volunteers to join in a non-profit effort to track the magnetic pole shift -- or apparent pole shift. Summaries and links to this data would be appropriate for the above-mentioned PESWiki directory.

There are a lot of visualizations out there but there is one that has them beat--Annabelle The Sheep that comes with Real Player...

Annabelle the Sheep is a stick figure sheep with a pink bow around her neck, standing on grass, next to a fence, with a blue sky in the background. Her legs will move in various ways depending on the intensity and tempo of the sound, and sometimes her head will bob up and down. It's very cheezy, kind of like something that would have taken the entire capacity of a Commodore 64 to draw.

But it gets better. Other things start happening if you look long enough. So far, I've seen birds fly by in the background, the moon rise from the horizon, Annabelle's eyes alternately bulge out to the music (like, say, Large Marge from Pee Wee's Big Adventure,) and the oddest thing, a disco ball come down from the top of the screen and flash little lights all over the animation.

Interestingly.. I found an Easter Egg in Annabelle:

Click on her and you can put her in a top hat and more! Believe it or not you can make Annabelle GAY! (A DRAG name perhaps?!!, heehee)

"The Pink Sheep of the Family"

With all the psychedelic visualizations out there from the other vendors, this is so incongruous that it's just damn funny.

Developed by a team of top Taco Bell gynecologists, the $1.99 "ContraceptiMelt" burrito creates an inhospitable environment within the womb, causing fertilized ovum tissue to be flushed from the body.

Also available are ContraceptiMelt Supremes, featuring sour cream and extra cheese.

Taco Bell officials are excited about the offering. "In the past, before Roe v. Wade, young women literally had to 'make a run for the border' to terminate an unwanted pregnancy," Taco Bell public relations director Grant Lesko said. "But now, women can make that same run for the border at over 7,300 convenient locations right in their own hometowns."

Possible side effects of the new birth-control snack item include weight gain, stomach upset and gas, the same as with all other Taco Bell products.

4. Attention-deficit Web sites: "Users have a special hatred of flashing icons and banners, because they draw the eye away from what is important and hinder their progress," Cunnington said.

5. War and Peace length: "A common mistake in Web design is to just [convert] a brochure to the Web. But the Web is its own medium, and communication has to change to reach users. Users are known to read 25 percent slower on the screen than on paper, read fewer words and don't like long pages which require scrolling down," she said.

Another problem is site blindness. "We are now seeing right-column blindness, where users do not see information and links down the right hand side of the screen. This occurs because the right hand column has become known for advertising," Cunnington said.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

The Legend of Sailor Dan
By David Hutton, The StarPhoenix
Published: Saturday, May 26, 2007

Sailor Dan - In his own words... Click above

Dan Hicks, known by many as Sailor Dan, sits at a booth in the back corner of a McDonald's, where he comes almost every day.

His red shoes, green socks and yellow corduroy pants are complemented by a shiny dollar sign belt buckle. A worn-down mermaid tattoo is visible below his rolled up sleeves. His coffee sits on the table to his left - no cream, two scoops of sugar. Directly in front of him is a clean white bristol board. He takes out one of the six black sharpie pens hooked to his shirt collar, lifts off his fluorescent orange Mickey Mouse hat, slicks back his silver and black hair and begins to draw, one line at a time.

"It's like x's and o's," said Hicks, his voice grizzled.

His right hand draws quickly while his left manoeuvres the white board. When he glances up to chat or answer a question his hands keep moving, like clockwork, the work slowly coming in to view, as if he's drawn it a million times, as if the end result was never in question.

Hicks finishes the body, then the sails, then, for good measure, an anchor in the bottom left corner.

Voila, a Sailor Dan original - a sail boat, the same drawing you've seen a hundred times in Saskatoon, in kitchens, bedrooms, basements and living rooms, behind shop counters and being held up by Dan as he panhandles in front of this store and that.

*****The Ballad of Sailor Dan****

Everybody knows Sailor Dan. At least that's what everybody tells you. There's even a group on Facebook, the social networking website, dedicated to him called Friends of Sailor Dan, which has more than 900 members trading stories, memories and sailboat sightings.

"I'll never forget seeing Sailor Dan running across Broadway in leather chaps and a leather vest and then the next day he was in full sailor garb . . . he's such an awesome guy!" says one post. "We picked him up once and took him to a party. He ate all of our raw hot dogs and then left," says another.

When Hicks sees the site for the first time, his bad vision forcing him to squint at the screen, he's astonished.

"A guy like me has all these friends," he said, smiling in disbelief. "It's like waking up and it's your birthday."

At a concert at Lydia's pub earlier this month, the frontman for the Apostles of Hustle started describing a guy he'd seen outside before the show. Before he could finish the anecdote, the crowd yelled out, in unison, "Sailor Dan."

In Saskatoon, "there really isn't anybody that does what he does," says "Kiwi," Dan's close friend, Kerwin Hein. "In Toronto or Vancouver, lots of guys are doing what he does. In Saskatoon, he's a novelty, he sticks out like a sore thumb."

Along his regular route, down Eighth Street to Broadway Avenue and back, he receives nods and hellos from the workers of almost every store. At the PetroCan gas station, one of his more frequent stops, some of the staff consider him a good friend.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Jordin Sparks, the perky 17-year-old high school student from Glendale, Ariz., won the sixth round of "American Idol" last night, beating out 11 other finalists, including several who were better singers, but none with her winning package of big voice, big smile and teetering-on-womanhood.

Did we mention she's only 17, as the show's three judges reminded viewers at every possible moment in the four-month-long competition? That makes her the youngest "Idol" winner ever.

Sparks defeated Blake Lewis, the Beat-box Boy from Bothell, Wash., whose utter detachment from the rituals of the competition had to have given the "Idol" producers and the Fox network the vapors as he worked his way to the final two.

Sparks was the perfect contestant for this season of "Idol" as the show evolved from youth-market sensation to family-viewing experience. During taped interviews this season, Sparks wanted the audience to know how happy she is to come from an undivorced, intact family, and that she has been keeping up her grades (all A's and B's!) as she continued her schooling during the months of competition.

Her singing and song choices were made for family viewing as well. Sparks's breakout moment came during Diana Ross week sitting demurely on the stage, singing "If We Hold on Together" from "The Land Before Time," which judge Simon Cowell, generally supportive of Sparks, was moved to call "pageanty" and not just for her vocal style but for her floor-length prom dress.

Sparks's vocal style is straightforward -- clear tones, punctuated at moments of peak emotion by tantrum-y arm flings, raising some doubts whether she was singing about lost love or a lost American Girl doll. But her voice is undeniably big and pop-ready, though perhaps not yet deserving of the high praise heaped on her by celebrity guest coach Barry Gibb, who said that, at 17, "she is going to be, I think, one of our greatest female recording artists."

This page was created for all of you looking for evidence that Pink Floyd's 1973 release of "Darkside Of The Moon" and the 1939 release of "The Wizard of Oz" have some kind of a connection. This connection is the fact that you can watch "The Wizard of Oz" and listen to the CD "Darkside Of The Moon" and notice that they are synchronized. What we mean by this is that if you start the CD at the MGM Lion logo screen you will notice that the music on the CD matches perfectly with the things that are going on in the movie. Click on the picture above for the interesting story.

--Wizard's Note: I suggest that there are at least 2 more people on the NET that have too much "time" on their hands. I also suggest that this will work best if you smoke at least 3 joints...

So it was only natural that they should marry where the magic happened -- Wal-Mart.

"It never dawned on me to have it anyplace else," said the 55-year-old bride.

Neither bride nor groom work at the discount store. Still, they spend more time there than many employees do, wandering the aisles and visiting friends for up to six hours a day, nearly every day since the store opened two years ago.

"I talk to people and walk around for exercise, and we always buy a soda or a sandwich or something," 51-year-old Hughes said. "If we're not here, the store people worry about us. They're our family."

Both Pat Byrd and Bill Hughes are disabled. They met nine years ago, when Bill was a patient at a North Idaho hospital and so was Pat's sister.

"He became a good friend, and when my sister died, we kept him in the family," she said. "He doesn't drive, and any time he went to Wal-Mart, I'd take him."

They celebrated their blooming love with a ceremony Friday in Wal-Mart's garden center. The store manager was a groomsman, and a fabric department employee was matron of honor.

A garden center employee, Chuck Foruria, walked alongside Pat as she rode her motorized shopping cart down the makeshift aisle, her oxygen tank in the basket.

"Who gives this woman in marriage?" asked Stacey Garza of the Free Will Church.

"Her friends and family at Wal-Mart," Foruria replied.

Couple Wins The Baby Lottery

ST. PAUL, Minn. (AP) Allyssa and Grant Kuseske joke that they've won the baby lottery. The winning numbers must have been 2-2.

On Thursday, Allyssa Kuseske gave birth to their second set of twins in a year.

"We are kind of on the accelerated plan," Allyssa laughed as she cradled her new son Caleb on Saturday.

Doctors at United Hospital in St. Paul say they've never seen two sets of twins from the same parents in a year's time. The likelihood of having two sets of twins over the course of a woman's childbearing years is less than 2 percent, doctors say.

The couple said the first set was born with a little help from medical science, while the latest pair was an "oops."

Mom and Dad have already begun preparations, like trading in the pickup for an SUV. They've also been tracking down cribs, high chairs and a stroller to tote the four tots. They figure they'll be changing 36 diapers a day.

"Invest in Huggies," Allyssa said.

Watermelon Raider Caught

GRAND JUNCTION, Colo. (AP) Not even loud rock 'n' roll music could discourage a 350-pound bear that repeatedly raided plums and watermelons from a couple's garden.

Eldon and Gerry Nihues hung a radio from the plum tree, tuned it into a rock station and turned it up loud in hopes of scaring off the bear, which helped itself to about 50 watermelons, including 11 in one night.

"It was this crazy rock stuff that was playing, but it didn't bother him," Gerry Nihues said. "He'd eat the plums right out from under where the thing was playing."

The state Division of Wildlife set out a trap, and the bear walked into it Wednesday night. Wildlife officers tranquilized the bear, tagged it and released it in a remote area.

Eight bears have been relocated from the area in the past three weeks, Division of Wildlife spokesman Randy Hampton said. More encounters are expected as bears try to fatten up before hibernating for the winter.

Jenny Gets Her Number

SCHAUMBURG, Ill. (AP) It all started with a phone number.

A seemingly random combination of digits that inspired an early '80s pop song is now the license plate number for Schaumburg resident Jennifer Fletcher's Jeep Cherokee.

But the endless efforts of mathematicians to calculate the digits of the geometric formula Pi almost pale in comparison to Fletcher's persistent pursuit of her preferred permutation.

"867-5309/Jenny" was Tommy Tutone's catchy 1982 hit about the possibility of true love found in a girl's phone number written on a wall.

Although Fletcher shares the name of the song's celebrated heroine, the thought of making the number her license plate didn't occur to her until last year. Idling in traffic, she noticed that the new random Illinois license plate numbers featured all numerals. As the numbers started getting higher in sequence, the thought of getting that number got too good to pass up.

"I've been inquiring to the secretary of state's office for over a year with phone numbers, e-mails, everything," Fletcher said.

The answer she heard most often: The numbers are only released in sequence, and the sequence hadn't reached the number she wanted. Furthermore, all-digit combinations aren't recognized as vanity plates and can't be specially requested.

Still, no one ever told her it was impossible.

Finally she was sent to the voicemail of the woman who would ultimately help her. When they first spoke, the woman couldn't understand what the attraction of the number was. Then Fletcher told her to read it again as if it were a phone number.

Only because the number was part of the next batch and only because Fletcher had expressed so much interest did she get her wish.

It was really a combination of both factors, rather than the state changing its policy on requests, she said. In other words, it's still next to impossible to request the license plate you want unless you shell out the money for a vanity plate.

"Vanity plates and personal plates are defined by statute," said Randy Nehrt, spokesman for the secretary of state's office. Anything outside of that definition is a standard plate.

Plates are produced and stored in bulk as an economical measure for the state and its taxpayers. To start breaking up the pre-produced sets before their regular release would be costly effort and isn't permitted, Nehrt said.

"That's definitely a coincidence that that worked out that way for that individual," he said of Fletcher's story.

During the week Fletcher's plates were waiting on a desk at the secretary of state's office, nearly everyone who walked by started singing the song, she was told.

Now that the plates are on her vehicle, Fletcher said her two teenage sons see the whole thing as embarrassingly retro. For 17-year-old Dan, borrowing the Jeep has definitely lost its appeal in the last week, she said without a trace of regret.

"But everyone who grew up then and remembers the music from the '80s has said, 'That's cool!'"

She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.

"But what happened to the other ear?"

"The son of a bitch called back!"

The City Goil

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four above the cow's stall. You show him where it is, okay?"

So the farmer leaves for the fields, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the long row of cows until she sees the nail, and tells him, "This is the one. This one right here!"

Terribly impressed, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"By the nail over it's stall," Amy explains.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away.

Does the statement, "Because we've always done it that way..." ring any bells...?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's ass came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story...

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

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About The Wizard...

I was born September 12, 1962 in St. Boniface, MB Canada. I live in Saskatoon, SK. I have one child, a son, of whom I am incredibly proud. I attended Royal school in Charleswood and after a couple of years at St. Paul's High School, I graduated from Shaftesbury High. I attended Red River Community College in Winnipeg and received a certificate in Business Administration, with a Major in Marketing and Management. I attended the University of Manitoba, earning multiple certifications in LAN Administration and industry credentials from Novell, (CNA); Microsoft, (MCP); and CompTia, (A+). February 25, 2002 was an important turning point in my life and I was re-born.

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Dwell not on the past. Use it to illustrate a point, then leave it behind. Nothing really matters except what you do now in this instant of time. From this moment onward you can be an entirely different person, filled with love and understanding, ready with an outstretched hand, uplifted and positive in every thought and deed. --Eileen Caddy