Are they just dreams?

My first post on this website but I am sure it won't be my last. So hello everyone!

It's a long story, but I'll try to shroten it. I have had major depression since I was about 15 (it's genetic for me), I was on anti-depression tablets for about a year (they have run out now and I am living overseas where they do not have any) but I don't know how much they have helped. I haven't tried to kill myself for almost a year now so I guess that's a good thing.

My main question is about dreams. After talking to a friend of mine she is about 98% sure that I was sexually abused as a child and that my brain has forced it from my memory.I have had dreams where i have been raped by my mother and father, but my parents are good people so I know that if I was abused it was not by them, most likely it was someone they know and trust that I can't remember, so they have been replaced this person (or people) in my dreams.

I have also had dreams where I have brutally murdered members of my family and some of my friends. They are filled with gore and violence and I wake up in a cold sweat after I have had them.

I do not understand why I am having these dreams. Am I over-thinking things and they are just dreams? Or do they mean more?

I should also point out that for a long time I have had an addication to pornography (not so much hardcore porn, but still porn) and I have paid for sex multiple times with women at least double my age. My friend believes I do this because the person (people) who (supposedly) abused me as a child must have been a lot older and this is why I have the need to do this.

I am kind of at my wits end about all this. I would love to see someone to talk to, but working overseas in a foreign country means that there is no one with the right studies or enough English to discuss this type of thing with.

Re: Are they just dreams?

Hey Gar1986,

Welcome to the forums Good to have you here! It sounds like you've got a bit of history with depression, but that's awesome that the last year has been a bit better for you. Living and working overseas is a huge achievement - good on you!

With the dreams - there's not really anyone that can give you a definite answer. There's a lot of debate about repressed memories, which is actually really interesting if it's something you want to research further. I've just finished a personality and trauma unit and did my major essay on recovered memories - and basically the consensus is that there is some evidence both for and against the possibility/plausibility of recovered memories, but the field of psychology hasn't yet got a definite stance on it.

It sounds like you've been thinking about this a lot though, and that the dreams are bothering you. While you are overseas and that limits being able to see someone face to face to talk about this stuff, there are a few online counselling services that you might be able to access from where you are - like Kids Helpline (www.kidshelp.com.au/teens) and eHeadspace (www.eheadspace.org.au). They both offer counselling via chat or email - which might be something you're interested in. I imagine it's pretty destabilising to think that it might be possible that you were abused, and it's totally normal for that to be bothering you.

I wouldn't take your friends opinion as gospel… If I were you I'd do some research on recovered memories, have a think about whether you feel that fits for you, & try to get online to chat to a qualified counsellor (through Kids Helpline or eHeadspace) about what they think. KHL and eHeadspace service young people up to age 25 - so if you're over that, perhaps try Lifeline (www.lifeline.org.au) - their online chat only operates during certain hours though.

Re: Are they just dreams?

Wow Gar, that all sounds like quite an interesting take on it all.

Gail has pretty much summed it up and covered (might add I am curious about this whole repressed memories thing)

But with the dreams, hmmm...it's a tough one. It all would come down to how long you have been having them for, is it recurring, are they always the same theme, are you thinking about it before you go to bed...etc etc.

Often the people you see in your dreams are representations of yourself rather then say, your Mum, or Dad. But it's all such a grey area and it would be something you would need to explore for yourself I think.

Re: Are they just dreams?

Hey Gar

Welcome to the forums and its great that you have posted about your concerns. You have gone through a lot and you have survived through it all and that is amazing. It is terrible that you were abused, no one should ever go through that and these dreams you are having must be so very scary.

Dreams can mean anything or nothing at all. I think something would be unresolved in your subconscious and so you dream about it. I have had dreams of snakes attacking me (recurring nightmare) I have dreamnt of marrying one of my old friends which was confusing, I have dreamt of such horrible things and great things and I can never explain them and its normal to ask what they mean because having dreams that are scary or confusing can be a concern.

I hope you follow up on some of the resources that gail has given you. You might find the answers you are looking for or maybe doing more research on dreams will settle you heart.

Goodluck on resolving some of these dreams

Take care xx

_________________________________________________**Believe in the power of you because you are your own hero**

Re: Are they just dreams?

It seems like you have a lot going on in your head and I think it's incredibly strong that you've been doing it without medication.

The online resources that gail mentioned should be useful for you - so definitely check some of them out and see if you find them helpful.

I'd really recommend going to see a doctor or mental health professional if you're able to - I know that can be hard when you're away from home.

Re: the dreams - there are so many differing schools of though and research-based theories on both dreams and repressed memories - again absolutely think seeing a MH professional is the best way to work through these and come to understand what it all means.

Like some of the others of said - the opinions of your friends are important, however they can't ever replace the years of study and experience qualified medical professionals have Friends are great for talking to, leaning on, crying to and just hanging out with though - so do that as much as you need to!

Re: Are they just dreams?

Hey Gar,

As others have said... This is a really difficult area and you might NEVER get a definite answer as to whether the dreams are just dreams or not.

I like to think of it as this way... IF you are repressing a memory, then there is obviously a reason as to why you are repressing it, so it's better to try not to worry about it as your mind doesn't want to deal with it (and maybe that's a good thing).IF you are not repressing a memory and just worrying unnecessarily, then there's no point to doing that either! I don't know if that makes much sense... I'm not saying it's wrong to try and discover the truth, but maybe it's just not meant to be a route you go down and for good reason.I think it's more important to deal with the other things that are bothering you as a result of worrying about repressing memories. So the things like your sexual behaviour (which you don't seem to be proud of), your depression and finding a way to sleep without these dreams.

As others have said - I believe it would be really beneficial for you to talk to someone about all of this.

Unfortunately, I'm fairly sure even the online chats of eHeadspace and Kids Help Line won't accept talking to people who are in other countries (they use IP addresses to block places other than Australia). But maybe there are similar services where you are, or you can find an English speaking service to utilize? Some psychologists in Australia will also do skype sessions (but I don't know if they'll do them internationally)?