I'm glad to see you started the new year the right way by visiting a lama, too (I had my own experience which I may describe later).

Have you ever tried meditating? That might help settle your continually rushing thoughts and emotions.

Individual wrote:I've never hit my mom but once, I threw something at her, almost hitting her. After that moment, I realized what a monster it was and vowed at the very least that I would not throw things in anger, because that's what leads to hitting.

Perhaps, you should try to move out. Sometimes it's better just to get away from people who anger you for a while. Later when you've become more stable, you can work with your more difficult feelings. Or at least spend a significant amount of time out of the house. I feel great peace now that I no longer live with my mother.

Individual wrote:When you think about it, early Buddhism was about simply avoiding committing immoral acts and being happy with that.

No, it was more than that. The doctrine of "non-self" and the 12 dependent links were also in the earliest Buddhist teachigs. These concepts go beyond simple morality.

Individual wrote:That seems so great. Tibetans' claiming that we should use fetters for positive change and magic ritual... It seems kinda like early Buddhism was a Jedi practice and Tibetan Buddhism is a Sith practice. Look into the Star Wars stuff. That's exactly what Jedi and Sith are.

Dividing things into "dark" and "light" is a pointless exercise of the dualistic mind. You could just as easily try to label Theravada as "yin" and Vajrayana as "yang" which would be equally meaningless.

Don't overexaggerate the wrathful practices of Tibetan Buddhism. Tibetan Buddhists spend most their time thinking about having compassion for all beings...and they don't spend their time hitting people with red, double-edged, laser-swords!

And you forgot the key aspect of motivation: Tibetan Buddhist seek to benefits all sentient beings (including themselves), whereas the fictional Sith only care about themselves. This is the main reason why your analogy is incorrect.

Also, if one interprets jedi from a Buddhist point of view, the jedi are mainly concerned with developing siddhis, whereas most Buddhists' main concern is the cessation of suffering.

Individual wrote:but the way i see it, it is the world that is not ready for me

What exactly do you mean by this? If you're implying that others haven't had the same experience as you in terms of taking on a Guru, I think you'd be surprised. Choosing the right Guru for oneself isn't to be taken lightly, and most people don't.

How foolish you are, grasping the letter of the text and ignoring its intention! - Vasubandhu

Individual wrote:but the way i see it, it is the world that is not ready for me

What exactly do you mean by this? If you're implying that others haven't had the same experience as you in terms of taking on a Guru, I think you'd be surprised. Choosing the right Guru for oneself isn't to be taken lightly, and most people don't.

Disregard it. And by "disregard it," I don't mean, "Become incredibly, incredibly intrigued by the fact that I made a quizzical statement and then said disregard it."

Individual wrote:but the way i see it, it is the world that is not ready for me

What exactly do you mean by this? If you're implying that others haven't had the same experience as you in terms of taking on a Guru, I think you'd be surprised. Choosing the right Guru for oneself isn't to be taken lightly, and most people don't.

Disregard it. And by "disregard it," I don't mean, "Become incredibly, incredibly intrigued by the fact that I made a quizzical statement and then said disregard it."

I found what I was looking for. I discovered all the secrets of Vajrayana without taking samaya. Not sure if I should say it, but it would just be gibberish anyway.

A poem perhaps that may explain the quickest method to Buddhahood:

The viper waits and strikes at the right moment.The woman teases the man, then leaves him.Gautama builds up his house, then burns it.You put air in the balloon,making it bigger and bigger,So hard to hold.At any moment, it could burst.

Then you let it go,And it floats away in the sunshine.

May I use this knowledge well -- the sword of wisdom and the shield of compassion.

I still plan to attend the Tibetan thing on sundays, though.

Oh, and I didn't learn this from a Tibetan shaman. I learned it from being kind to my mother, in a pleasant conversation with her about my day. The nice conversation with Khenpo Sultrim helped though too, I think. Nowadays, my mom and friends think I'm a saint or an angel -- literally -- that I'm sort of a crazy hermit who they're both scared of and love unconditionally at the same time.

Because whereas lesser people learn from human with spoken samaya, I learn from angels in which may samaya vow was made long ago.

My mind is very calm and clear.

My mom offered me a sleeping pill. It was a red pill. I turned it down because of its color. Then she mentioned another pill -- a yellow one -- I took it. Now, I am at peace. For now. It may not last.

For now, though, I definitely want less excitement in my life. I feel like sitting in the house all day and doing nothing but meditating and cleaning.

Because it's like every time I go outside in my car somewhere to drive, suddenly I'm thrown into catastrophic situations where my life is in peril and I narrowly escape death or jail-time... Or worse, I get into a weird time-warp that I have to work my way through.

I told the monk, "It's like the world is trying to kill me or trap me somewhere," and he said, "That's true."

Bless the noble devas. In my car, I said to myself, "I wish I knew their names, so I could praise them."