Sainsburys 'Try Something New'

In a surprising move set to shock the world of retail grocery, Sainsburys have today announced they are to cease selling traditional foodstuffs, their bread and butter for many years, in favour of a full range of seasonal goods.

Conventional aisles such as ‘Bakery’ and ‘Fresh Fruit & Veg’ will be replaced with a range covering every holiday or event in the national calendar upon which they can convince the cash strapped public to overspend on promotional essentials.

Spokesman for the store Suzie Thorn told us “We had the idea after noticing that Easter products had been creeping into every aisle in the store, for instance chick themed sanitary pads with yellow fluffy wings, and ‘hot cross bum’ aloe vera toilet roll. Our seasonal ranges offer customers the chance to stock up for all occasions, the new aisles will include Valentines day, Pancake day, St Guinness Day, Easter, St George’s Day, School Holidays, Summer, Back to School, Halloween, Bonfire Night and Christmas. We’re certain we know what our customers should be buying, and remember, there’s only 107 shopping days until Whitsun, so stock up now with our Holy Spirits 2 for 1 special on Vodka and Rum.”

You could change it to Tesco and have strapline 'Tesco - every little cliché!'
...goes well with your excellent idea of overt inappropriare holiday-event exploitation, and gives further vent for Jane Horrock's gratingly twee voice.

You might suggest 'Mother's day toilet cleaner range' (with a special Harpic bottle for mothers-in-law), Father's day immodium-plus, and special tampons for Rag Week.

On the meat counter, specially presented spatchcocked chickens on little wooden crucifixes for Easter (Good Friday, to be ecumenically correct), and burgers for the Grand National - natch.

In a surprising move set to shock the world of retail grocery, Tesco have announced they are to cease selling traditional foodstuffs, their bread and butter for many years, in favour of a full range of seasonal goods.

Conventional aisles such as ‘Bakery’ and ‘Fresh Fruit & Veg’ will be replaced with a range covering every holiday or event in the national calendar upon which they can cash in.

Spokesman for the store Suzie Thorn told us “We had the idea after noticing that Easter products had been creeping into every aisle in the store, for instance our chick themed sanitary pads with yellow fluffy wings, and ‘Hot Cross Bum’ aloe vera toilet roll.

The seasonal ranges offer customers the chance to stock up for all occasions, the new aisles will include offers such as the Mother’s day toilet cleaner range, Father’s Day Imodium plus, and half price tampons for rag week. On the meat counter, specially presented spatchcocked chickens on little wooden crucifixes for Good Friday, and our chef’s special burgers for the Grand National.

We’re certain we know what our customers should be buying, and remember, there’s only 106 shopping days until Whitsun so stock up now with our Holy Spirits 2 for 1 special on Vodka and Rum.”

Like it - and would consider buying your chic chick panty pads
...they could be grouse pads when Easter is over too - but I wouldn't want to gild the lily.

Headline is hard, but the every cliche helps thing sort of fits the crap holiday exploitation, or 'Every holiday helps' .... I wonder that the other supermarkets couldn't hit back with competing slogans.

Co-op, 'good with fads' ...that sort of thing

"our chef's special burgers..." very lovely

...at the end of the 'bread and butter' bit, maybe 'let them eat (themed) cake'.