A letting agency has announced that they are going to demand 5000 times a tenant’s rent as salary, three pints of blood and an assortment of pieces of your mortal soul as security before activating a tenancy agreement.

Giles Mini-Cooper from Go Fuck Yourself Peasant Lettings told Southend News Network that the new measures would ensure that nobody will ever be able to rent anything again as that makes perfect sense.

He added, ‘Just because you have five years of flawless rental payments in your last property doesn’t mean that you will be able to make the same payments now, so this is a vital step.’

’We would love to be able to refund admin charges as well when it all goes tits up, but you would not believe the time and effort that goes into completing seventeen brief text fields and pressing enter.’

’Applicants are welcome to add a guarantor, provided that they are Her Majesty The Queen or Scrooge McDuck.’

At this stage of the interview, Giles was replaced due to staff turnover – four times.

’Didn’t seem the type who would consume a live puppy though. Had to let him go.’

In another development today, a member of staff at an unnamed estate agency that deals with both sales and lettings suddenly decided to turn into an amiable human being after she discovered that a ‘walk-in’ through the lettings door was actually interested in buying.

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