The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: Encounters in the Bike Lane

"I made a huge error," Alex Schwazer says. "And I can only repeat, I'm sorry."At a news conference in Bolzano in northern Italy, Schwazer wept and at one point buried his face in his hands. His manager and a lawyer participated in the news conference.

After this moving apology for getting caught engaging in the humiliating act of race walking in the first place, he then went on to address the actual doping:

"I couldn't say no to this decision to do doping for the 2012 Olympics," he said.He denied getting the performance-enforcer from Michele Ferrari, the Italian doctor who in 2002 was banned by the Italian Cycling

Presumably, after being banned from professional cycling, Michele Ferrari moved on to the only sport that's even dorkier, which is race walking. Unfortunately though it looks like the authorities are on to him, which means from here he'll probably move on to dog shows. (I'm not sure how you dope at a dog show, but it probably involves giving Dachshunds Viagra to make them appear longer and harder.)

By the way, race walking may look utterly ridiculous to the uninitiated, but to competitors like Schwazer it's a sport full of beauty and grace:

"The race walk was making me nauseous," he said.

If it's any consolation, the race walk makes the rest of us nauseous too.

Alas, stories like these can make you lose faith in the integrity of sport, but for every doofus who's putting a glide in his stride and a dip in his hip by artificial means there's an inspiring tale which rekindles your love of humanity. Consider this man, who has ridden from China to London to see the Olympics:

A ride this "epic" makes those Rapha gentlemen's races look like a bunch of foppish gnats buzzing around a fruit stand, and as they grimace in contrived black and white this guy just smiles beatifically:

So how does he feel after riding for two years and through sixteen countries just to see the Olympics?

So instead he spends most of his time entertaining the ladies of London in his lavishly-appointed human-powered bachelor's pad:

("If this rickshaw's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'.")

Yes, he's made quite a name for himself in London, and in addition to putting enough notches in his bedpost to make Mario Cipollini blush, he's also gotten to party with many celebrities--including Tour de France winner and Olympic gold medalist Bradley Wiggins:

Actually, that's not Bradley Wiggins. That is in fact notorious London huckster and master of disguise "Jimmy the Shapeshifter," who over the years has duped hapless tourists into thinking he's everybody from Winston Churchill to Russell Brand:

(Dame Judi Dench? Look again--that's actually Jimmy!)

I know this because last time I was in London he convinced me he was the Queen and I gave him fifty bucks for what turned out to be a false knighthood.

Anyway, from London, Chen Guan Ming is off to Portland, OR, where he'll simply ride up alongside local cyclists and laugh at them:

For any Portlanders who don't speak Mandarin, chances are what he's saying is, "Ooh, you sell soup from a bike. Well I rode 37,000 miles just to watch beach volleyball." Ultimately though he'll probably stay there and open a shop, and before you know it rickshaws will be the new cargo bike.

"Boosh?" Isn't that French for "mouth?" While it's tempting to conclude statements you've made on the Internet with doucheclamation points such as "BOOM!" or "BOOSH!," it's generally gratuitous, since readers can almost always tell what you've written is fatuous or inane even without them.

Anyway, while people have been riding slowly around the city on disc wheels for years now, last night I discovered that the new fashion trend in urban cycling is the sequined cape:

By the way, before you jump to any conclusions, what you're mistaking for a Really Shitty Photograph is actually Art. BOOSH!!!

Speaking of doucheclamation points, a Harvard windshield decal comes across as a doucheclamation point after a driver overtakes you and then cuts you off in the bike lane:

Though that's nothing compared to getting hit by a driver on a protected bike path, as a reader spotted on the bikeway approach to the 59th Street/Queensboro/Ed Koch/Etc. bridge in Queens this morning:

In a sane world a person who drives onto a bikeway and hits a cyclist would be arrested, but I'm sure in this case the only thing the cop gave him was directions.

And yesterday, another reader was actually hit from behind when a driver decided he'd rather use the bike lane than wait in traffic. Here is the aftermath:

Fortunately a police officer arrived on the scene and meted out quick justice by telling the victim that there would be no investigation because he wasn't killed, and that he would not be ticketing the driver because he didn't actually witness the incident. Instead, after nearly murdering somebody, the driver and his voluminous man-breasts were simply sent on their way.

By the way, presumably the police officer was joking when he said there would be no investigation because the cyclist wasn't killed, because we all know that even if he had been killed there would be no investigation either.

Anyway, as you ply the bike lanes of New York, keep any eye out for "Tits" McGee, his accomplice Officer Pants Yabbies, and the Blue Delivery Van of Death (actually, all delivery vans are vans of death):

You: Slicked back scandinavian with the ray bans, a dandyish black bike and a seriously insufficient sense of safety

Me: Girl you crashed the fuck into

Get at me. Let's hit up the ATM. We can do this the hard way, or the easy way.

You broke my finger and my bike a little THE FUCK. I HATE YOU! DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE WITH YOUR BIKE.

I wonder what happens when the police arrive on the scene of a bike-on-bike collision. On one hand, they must want to ignore the victim, but on the other hand they must want to punish the scofflaw cyclist brutally and out of all proportion to his crime. They must experience a mental grinding of gears akin to shifting a car without using a clutch, followed by complete cognitive breakdown.

Or, more likely, they just ticket both cyclists. Because that would make a lot more sense.

What is happening to the level of competition on the "comment race" thing people do here? I read the whole post and managed 10th place... that sucks. I wanna see 16 anon comments drop in the first 16 seconds comments are open! When I podium, I want it to MEAN something to me and my country, the USA's awesome rainbow wig!

Assuming there was no damage to the car, which would result in criminal charges against the cyclist,I believe the cyclist could have still been charged with inconveniencing the motorist by causing him to miss the breakfast special at Denny's. Lock 'im up!

I narrowly escaped a bike on bike collision last night when I was power-shoaled at the foot of the Brooklyn Bridge.

I was waiting for the light in order to cross the Bridge traffic lane and head right in the separated bike lane on Tillary Street. When the light changed, I started to cross only to be buzzed from behind and on the right by a clueless commuter heading straight across Tillary and on to Adams Street.

He opined loudly that "it would be nish to look." (Note to self: people who lisp really do sound like Sylvester the Cat when they attempt sarcasm.)

I cheerily greeted him with "Dumb Ass." He imaginatively responded "You're the Dumb Ass."

Well of course, I had to point out that he really was the Dumb Ass seeing as he had bombed through a stop light in order to park himself in on-coming traffic on Tillary Street.

My dog tells me I should have let Darwin's natural selection run its course.

But I say it's nice to be nice.

And in any event, William Blake's Proverbs of Hell remind us that "If the fool would persist in his folly he would become wise."

I just hope I didn't interfere with his Strava effort to claim KOM for the Brooklyn Bridge. I'd hate myself if I was the reason he'd be persisting in his folly this evening.

Here's my advise if you get hit by a motorvehicle, he doesn't run away, and there are no witnesses:a) pick yourself up from the groundb) wait until driver gets out of vehiclec) hit him in the head until he ceases breathingd) change the driver into cyclist clothes and put him on the wrecked bike.BOOM! Justice served and no investigation.

You wonder what happens when police arrive at the scene of a bike-on-bike collision? Let me tell you how it goes down in Orange County, California. On a sharp turn on a two-way bike path, a woman veered into my lane and hit me. I somehow got a bloody lip and a flat tire. I have no idea what might have happened to her--nothing visible--but she called for an ambulance (I think this was to keep my animosity at bay) and proceeded to sit down and give a performance of moaning, while commenting on my lack of humanity or something. I decided to stick around. Actually, this wasn’t exactly a decision given that I had a flat. ANYWAY, the ambulance arrives. A fire truck arrives. Two squad cars arrive. We are both questioned, and it is determined that she is at fault. I am told it is probably not worth pressing charges (weird! doing so hadn’t occurred to me). The report is finalized and the woman is whisked away to the hospital, from which she was probably discharged 30 seconds later. The amazing part is this: the firefighters realized that I had a flat, and that I had broken both of my tire levers trying to get a ridiculously tight tire off of my rim. So, they load me and my bike onto the fire truck and drive me the remaining 2 miles home, much to the delight of my 5 year old. As I said, this was in Orange County, California, but I’m sure it goes down exactly the same way in New York City.

Leroy you have my sympathy with the overtaking idiots, either they say nothing and zip by or the wait til the last second and shout ON YOUR LEFT... I ride on a 6 mile long Rail to Trail and have been very happy with my new Eyes in the back of my head systemfor early warning, it works great since most of the trail is shaded

James, hate to be the one to bear the bad news, but if this is the Orange County I know, the ambulance, fire truck and two squad cars were there to insure that the accident had not damaged the expensive and impeccably-maintained median landscaping.

WRM, I am starting to think drivers get stupid in much the same way there's a mating season for animals or lasses living together all start getting synchronized ladytimes. I read your post today and shook my head at the idiots running down cyclists, and then got on my bike to ride from Sunnyside to Woodhaven (if the Great Hipster Silk Route had a bizarro version, this would be it.) I always have close encounters, but this today was especially wonderful, with two giant semis double-double parked (quad-parked?) taking up two lanes. I went into the only remaining lane to get around them, and about five seconds later heard a screech of brakes right behind me. I turned around to see the GMC Suburban that almost killed me. As we got around the semis, the driver pulled next to me and said "If you see me coming, get the hell out of my way!" (Remember, he was in back of me.)

I had a few choice words for him which I won't print here, and surprisingly he drove on, the cunt.

Their big finding is that in a "mere" 35 minutes in Central Park on a summer afternoon, they clocked all of 16 cyclists going above the (according to them) 25 mph speed limit, exactly one of whom had achieved a shocking 5 mph over the limit. That's not even one every two minutes, but they give it the full tabloid terror treatment. (They don't specify the location, but the inset photos and yellow-journalism logic suggest it is the big Harlem hill, a natural place to get up some speed, and one where there are relatively few pedestrians crossing.)

Don't get me wrong: there is ample dickishness among cyclists in Central Park as elsewhere here in New Jersey's 5 o'clock shadow. But the News seems unwilling to accept that their speed gun stunt turned up nothing.

And BTW, in WRM's Queensboro Bridge accident photo, that's a city traffic agent, not a cop. The traffic agents have their own issues, as people who have to park here will tell you, but they deserve better than to be conflated with our brave body slammers in blue.

re: Anonymous - i think a lot of people have realized what a shitty place it is and unfortunately a lot of them keep moving to charlotte. Hey NCY - please work harder to hang on to your loud mouth yankees. They are all so ...greasy and loud.

oh, sorry, back to bikes....

World Building Continues! CHOP, CHOP!

that is a bit of grammatical douchetas a certain person on facebook uses. i've seen it.

First, a big THANK YOU to the can't-hack-NYC cunts for leaving. Please take the long board skateboarders with you in the future.

Second, if anyone actually cares to study recent-ish history, it would be VERY instructive to read newspaper (not the fucking NYT) stories about the late '70s and early '80s bike crazy, especially during the transit strike.

Verdict: NONE of this shit is new but candyasses on both sides of vehicular divide bitch and rage about it a lot more. Thanks internet for making acting out easier!

In Orange County-I'm from Anaheim- they were trying to help the poor woman get home so she can whisk her little cubs to their sports engagements, eat, and plop herself in front of the TV for the rest of the night. No time for deviating into the real world where the rest of us live.

On another note, I youtubed race walking and was surprised to see so few beer bellies. Those "guys" are actually quite fit.

No problem, mon (say it like a Jamaican) I grew up riding all over New York and everything's ire (pronounced I ray). As for those troubles, as Bob Marley said:"me no know how, we and them a go work this out".

I call bullshit on this. How exactly did this presumably poor guy swing visas to 16 countries when its hard enough for middle class Chinese to get visa to the EU? Most countries make Chinese nationals show they have a certain amount of money in their bank accounts to get a visa at all.

It's anon 2:56, reading more comments and wondering why people get so pissed about people telling war stories here. It was fun when I was a teen to buzz people selling reds in Washington Square and grab onto UPS trucks and all that shit. I'm now almost 40 and it's fucking scary to almost get killed my a cunt in an SUV. I think it's a bit hypocritical to bash people bitching in the comments section of a blog dedicated (among other things) to bitching about riding in NYC. Stop acting like you're bad-ass and have some fucking empathy, you cunts.

I discovered your web site via Google while looking for a related subject, lucky for me your web site came up, its a great website. I have bookmarked it in my Google bookmarks. You really are a phenomenal person with a brilliant mind! crematory

Greetings! I've been reading your blog for some time now and finally got the courage to go ahead and give you a shout out from Houston Tx! Just wanted to say keep up the good work!Also visit my web siteOneway Link Building

[p]We are advancing our pretax predictions for the next three years from 隆锚9 . Here just make the [url=http://www.outletmulberrybag.co.uk]mulberry bag outlet[/url] leather Mulberry handbags foe example . This particular producer is merely concerning the many originator handbags which frequently trendy females could not hold on without . Many of us would like to mostly bear that enhanced pouches to Victoria Beckham's most highly charge authentic Hermes and mulberry and imitate trendy look . Just pay [url=http://www.outletmulberrybag.co.uk]mulberry bag[/url] a visit to our site and choose a bag you like . Today隆炉s statement makes clear that shorter-term selling recital is in addition a greatest optimistic factor . For the prevailing year,mulberry handbag, we are upgrading [url=http://www.outletmulberrybag.co.uk]mulberry bag uk[/url] from 隆锚13m to 隆锚15m,mulberry outlet, for 2010/11 from 隆锚18m to 隆锚20m and for 2011/12 from 隆锚22m to 隆锚30m . Series with flexible design, such as peak inclined duffel bag, tote, and mini tote and terrific proportion of hobo . The leather of Mulberry Satchel bags is of high quality, and it隆炉s quite comfortable when you touch the bag.[/p][p]Mulberry is skillful and unique in leather items . Nowadays the new cute yet sumptuous Mulberry satchel bags features bright colors, modish shape, light weight and some other merits . Today, mulberry accelerates the advance of their covering by accretion their [url=http://www.outletmulberrybag.co.uk]mulberry uk[/url] productivity, so that ample calibration of covering is not stored in the system . Fashion Mulberry Bags For You what is definitely an acclaimed all-embracing British cast whichLike accustomed visitors, we could this sort of a ample mark or Fortunately, a mulberry individual backpack to listen to, but we rarely apperceive the achieved action of establishing a mulberry bag . Mulberry messenger bags could be implemented for all kinds of things from traveling to night have on and whichever your situation, you can't go improper that has a leather handbag! Mulberry Designers glimpse over the branded handbags and messenger bags and sort a considered to mulberry outlet happen up with their magnificent that glimpse equal toward the branded usages having said that the glimpse is unquestionably many . 1m and from 隆锚17 . The handbags are available in lots of colours that draw in almost everyone who intend to shop for it . He considered human life only tolerable abroad, and went abroad to stay at every opportunity, and at the same time he carried on a complex and improved system of agriculture in Russia, and with extreme interest followed everything and knew everything UK Mulberry Outlet Shop Bags was [url=http://www.outletmulberrybag.co.uk]mulberry outlet[/url] being done in Russia . Out of this we are able to judge how Mulberry handbags cater for consumers?taste.[/p]

Sponsored Linkway:

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!