January 22, 2012

Me: "I'm doing well. My mother-in-law is down for the weekend. How are you?"

California: "Good, good. Jessica, we wanted to talk to you for a
minute before bringing anyone else on. We've been running the program we
discussed last time you were out here. We've made some changes based on
your recommendations and we think it's really going well but we need
someone to manage it. How would you like to move out to California?"

Me trying to get past the noise in my head which is one part Katy
Perry's California Girls, a little California Dreaming and something
like the best parts of Handel's Messiah: "It's
certainly an interesting idea but I would need more information first.
What were you thinking?"

California: "We want this program to focus on getting the G codes to
the PCP's so they can start referring patients
to the DPM's. Our program will show them how to complete
the foot assessment, bill for the care and create a stream of patients
for the DPM's who will then send their diabetic patients back to the
PCP's and pharmacies."

Me: "I think focusing on the continuum of care is critical. Right now
there's friction between the PCP's and DPM's and I think improved
communication would enhance the billling process, facilitate
SOAP note sharing and increase
the quality of patient care. As far as I know no one else is doing this
and I think this will give us a competitive edge especially when
coupled with our scanning technology and customer service."

California: "We agree and we want you to manage the program."

Me: "I've been thinking about moving for a while now. This is just me
thinking out loud but what would you say about me coming out to
California, familiarizing myself with the program and taking it
someplace like Florida or Texas?"

California: "That might work. We'd have to work out the details. How long would you be out here for?"

Me: "What if I came out there for a month or six weeks, took the
C-Ped course and went to the clinic to see how
you do things on that side of the business?"

California: "That might work. By the way, we haven't discussed this
with anyone else so if you could keep it to yourself for now, we would
appreciate it."

Me: "I'm viewing this as a brainstorming session which isn't really
relevant to anyone else's position. We can discuss the details as we
move forward."

Me: "I'm excited too. I've wanted to take the C-Ped class for a
while now and I can't thank you enough for giving me this opportunity.
Having that backbone of knowledge will allow me to have better
conversations with practitioners."

California: "Let us know as soon as you can if those dates work for
you. It's over a weekend so that should be easier on everyone. We're
looking forward to having you out here again."

****

Update: California just called again. The owner of the company wanted to
discuss his healthy foot program to make sure I was clear about our
goals and market. As a joke I told him I was packing my bags, when he
asked for where I told him California and then he said he knew I was
joking which was unfortunate. He thinks this program adds value and I'm
inclined to agree based on what I know, what I've seen other companies
not doing and what people I speak with tell me. To step back for a
minute, I think that our group has chemistry and cohesiveness. They're
trusting me not to take this information anywhere else. I wouldn't
anyways because that's not the way I operate but I respect that level of
confidence.

****

At home I'm scared. I don't have the backing and support of my
spouse. I care about him and I believe that he cares for me but our
relationship has never been strong. We have gone in separate directions
which is now hurting our children. Friday afternoon I was informed that
my mother-in-law was coming down for the weekend. Supposedly he told me
this before but I don't remember hearing it. I cleaned the house as best
as I could knowing that my mother-in-law has known me for years and is
willing to overlook a less than spotlessly clean place.

Since she retired my mother-in-law has been going to the gym. She's
lost quite a bit of weight and she's done it in a healthy manner. Today I
made some juices for her. We talked about vitamins and supplements, she
gave me a cookbook that features gluten free recipes in it and has been
supportive of me as I go through challenges that make my life
difficult. A couple years ago I met this guy. I
haven't been on a real date in a while and I miss that. I want to be
able to go out and meet people and do things like hold hands and be
silly and laugh and feel free to be myself without worrying when the
hammer is going to fall.

I've reached a point where I'm not mad any longer. I was for a very
long time. It didn't help and contributed significantly to my stress
level. Today, the owner of the company I want to work for asked me to
pray for him. I am not familiar enough with the Armenian culture to know
what their religious preferences are even though I have an Armenian
friend who belongs to an Eastern Orthodox Church but that request went
a little deeper than the comments about how much money we can make and
ways that patients, practitioners, PLS, and physicians can benefit. I
think there is a way that I can have my cake and eat it too.

For a long time I struggled with identity issues. Now I have health
issues that trump those but I want to surround myself with people who
don't care what I look like and can deal with me when I feel awful. It makes me cry when I think of the
tremendous opportunities I've been given. I think that this is going to
be big in ways I can't possibly imagine now but before I can help other
people I need to build myself up. I don't know where this is going but
right now I'm in an unhealthy relationship and I am working on getting
out without destroying myself or anyone else in the process.

Selling education is what I've wanted to do for a long time. It is
what has made me good at my jobs in the past and while I could use the
money what attracts me is the passion these people have for the program
and for their vision. When I stray they reign me in which is going to
help me focus. While part of me is having trouble believing that this is
happening another part is watching puzzle pieces snap into place and
watching the gears of pedorthic progress mesh with one another. I love
shoes, I love working with other people to build programs and I want to
be a part of a company that has put together a win, win, win, win
solution for everyone.

How is going to affect my life at home and my relationship with my
spouse and the girls? Right now I don't know. I have to take it one
tiny, baby, step at a time. California wants me to go back out there for
some training before the classes start in February. I want to take the
girls out there and I want to do my part to be supportive of their
father because he's not a terrible person, he just isn't able to give me
the things I need just like I have failed to provide the things he
needs for his well being. It's interesting to me that this conversation
with California came right after one with my sister who said we both
need to move on. So I'm uncertain about where this is going to lead but I
believe that this is in line with my goals, my philosophy on feet,
shoes, and I am really looking forward to building something new that
will allow me to grow both personally and professionally.

****

To all the people who have been there for me, thank you. For all
those who are struggling, I wish I had something to say other than hang
in there. I'm scared, nervous, excited, energized and really looking
forward to seeing what else I can do with the rest of 2012.

With love,

jessica

P.S. Will I host a gathering featuring many fruits, vegetables, and much spring water for anyone willing to make the trip to Canoga Park? I think so.