Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Eat The Poop Day!

Poop tastes terrible, which is why when you eat Kelly’s poop today, it will be a gesture of deepest love.

“I want to taste every bit of you, even the bits you expel out of you to be washed away into sewage,” you say. “It’s not fair that alligators and C.H.U.D.s who live in the gutters get to taste a part of you that I’ve never tasted.”

Kelly understands all of that and she’s sorry that she made you explain by walking into the kitchen at 4 AM and finding you with a knife and fork cutting into a piece of her poop.

“How did you get it?” she asks.

You give her an “Am I supposed to remember everything?” shrug. Then you take a bite.

“This is awful,” you tell her.

She nods and says that she would guess it would be. She suggests you come to bed and make love to her.

“Not until I digest this, poop, and eat that poop,” you say. “To know what the poop that I made from eating your poop tastes like, that would be the ultimate intimacy.”

Kelly knows where this is going. She’s had several boyfriends who entered the endless cycle of eating the poop made from eating the poop made from eating the poop made from etc., and they were never able to step out of that poop-eating loop. She considers just going into the bedroom and packing her things now, but it’s late. She’ll wait to leave you until the morning. You’ll feel less distracted from your poop-eating with her gone.