October 16, 2006

Kip Hawley is a Ginormous Ass

Note the fictitious adjective. I figure this will throw the TSA off my trail. How often will the search phrase "ginormous ass kip hawley" or permutations thereof be used?

I'm returning from Boston today and just passed the security checkpoint at Logan. I've been waiting about an hour now and the TSA agent hasn't bought me dinner. I'm beginning to give up hope. He did pat me down quite thoroughly. I must've misinterpreted the body language. Next time, I'm requesting a female.

Why the pat down?

It started back at the security line when the TSA agent dutifully commanded me to remove my shoes.

"No," I replied.

The chubby little fellow puffed up like a cat whose turf I peed on and just as the veins in his head were about to burst, I ended my pause and finished my response: "I wear leg braces and can't walk if I take my shoes off" (a blatant lie I use to taunt them). He immediately deflated and directed me to the GE Entry Scan3. Or, as I was soon to learn, the "puff scanner". It is an undoubtedly overpriced, tax-funded contraption some overpriced contractor made for the government. I complied. The next TSA agent told me it was used to detect explosives.

You walk into this phonebooth-sized thing, step on the footprints and a soothing female voice instructs you to stand still while red lights reinforce the message. Suddenly, about 5 wisps of air hit you from 5 directions on your upper body simultaneously. Then the voice tells you when you see the lights turn green you may escape leave the chamber. I believe if explosives are detected, the beam from above immediately transports you to a room where the only sound you hear is John Ashcroft singing America the Beautiful for eternity. Whoosh. The doors open and I'm ready for the next hurdle.

Me, my deadly shoes and leg braces step up to the metal detector.

beeeeeep

The audible terrorist alert went off and I got to receive the personal treatment I've come to expect from the TSA. And, lucky me. I got a trainee! I know the routine, stand on the mat, arms out, silhouette scan with the magic wand, arms down, unbuckle (no peeks), pat down, sit down, shoe/brace swab. Oh, my, gosh. Negative!

It worked! While I occupied several thousand dollars of tax-funded manhours, my bag was quietly slipping through the scanners carrying gel deodorant NOT PLACED IN A 1.0 QUART ZIPLOC FREEDOM BAG. It was dangerously sitting in a side compartment of my bag and they missed it. Woohoo.

Me and my sweet smelling armpits were off to wait in the gate area.

So, next time you want to smuggle something by the TSA:

1. Demyelinate your motor neurons and get leg braces.2. Go through security and don't take your shoes off.3. Tolerate the special attention (men, don't shave, this increases your probability of fitting in like a terrorist).4. Smuggle anything you want in your carry on. Worked for me.

On a serious note, who the f@#k is advising Kip? Toiletries are now allowed in a 1 qt. ziploc bag to be scanned separately, all shoes removed, bend over whenever the TSA agent says so? Why is the TSA turning into Federal thugs? These measures are ridiculous. Vote November 7, the country needs you.