Kristen Stewart Could Win an Oscar for the Coveted Role in This ‘Teen Mom’ Movie

I'm going to try really hard to write this without laughing. But. IN THE MOVIE VERSION OF HER LIFE (crap, it's so hard) Jenelle Evans would like Kristen Stewart to play her. Can't you see it? Next, on Lifetime: "F$%& You All Bitches: The Jenelle Evans Story," starring Kristen Stewart. She had it all -- a reality TV show, plastic surgery, rad tattoos, douchebag lovers, a Twitter account, oh yeah, and a kid. Where is that kid, anyway? I mean, this movie needs to happen, right?

Haha. Right. Oh, to be young and delusional enough to think your short life story warrants a major motion picture -- starring Kristen $20-million-per-picture Stewart. Man, I could use some of that hubris. Know what I mean? But hey, someone actually asked! So let's talk about it. What would Kristen Stewart have to do to prepare for this role?

Get a Twitter account and use it. Yes, KStew would need to take to the Internets personally. She's the quiet type, so this will be a real stretch. The key? Start by typing out your activities every five minutes. Por ejemplo: "Decided to wear Rob's ironic Motörhead t-shirt today." Misspell and abbreviate whenever possible. "cided 2 wer Rob's eyeronic motorhed shirt todday." Maybe don't use the word "ironic" at all.

Take lots of selfies. Duck lips/kissy face mandatory. 80 percent should be from interior of compact car. Angle iPhone for maximum cleavage exposure but make like that's accidental. Oh what the hell, take a bunch in your underwear and/or bikini. Extra points for tattoos. Don't have any tattoos?!?

Get some tattoos. Make sure they're poorly placed and random. You have lots of skin on your back, so put a bunch there and make sure they have absolutely nothing in common with each other: Zebra stripes, Rob's face, an ear of corn, "Use by this date."

Pick loud fights with Rob at the airport. Why y'all always getting sulky and quiet when you're mad at each other? So boring. Throw your fucking suitcase at the man. Scream at him. Climb on his back and start pounding away at his head. Bite off an earlobe. Jeebus, can we please have some drama for once? You BOTH need to get arrested, so keep that in mind.