i am tired of feeling like a failure, tired of treading water, panting into the abyss, thinking if i wasn’t so tired, i would be and do all that i dream of, but what do i dream of, what would i be if i got out of my way, allowed others to flow into and around me and accepted their gifts and let them in to touch my heart, a heart so heavy with so much hurt, so much pain, so much fear of further breaking, it’s like i’m sitting back, not moving, afraid the duct tape will lift, the bits of string unknot or that the crazy glue will finally chemically breakdown and loosen its grip allowing all the pieces of my broken heart to fall, unprotected, unhinged, unloved, lost to tumble into the chasm and i will see that, i do not exist and all this pain and strain of holding it all together has really been for nought, nothing but a fucking waste of time and effort and life, holding this position, holding on to the fear of further hurt, holding on because it feels that at every turn there has been some motherfucker wielding a 2 by 4 and smacking it into my forehead every time i turn a corner, out on my ass again or is that just a belief, an irrational undercurrent, thrust upon me by a childhood of heart break, an inappropriate sexual introduction, emotional disconnection, numb and struck dumb by the vagaries of this life at an early age and the ongoing struggle to heal these wounds, a stubborn man still acting as if his abuser is behind the bedroom door.

i am so tired of the status quo
of the idea that our governments
are actually benevolent
of the reality that only hot air
gets tossed around
when looking at the inequality
that is built into this capitalist dream
when are we going to wake the fuck up
and challenge the lies that are being perpetrated
the lies that are so much the basis for
our culture of make believe
the fact that we even need to debate
the distribution of wealth
the equalization of life
i find profoundly absurd

maybe now is the time to
monkey wrench the system

instead of passively watching it flail
while taking the rest of us out with it