Inside the online magazine is a piece about the centenary of Swiss side FC Visp which quickly turns into a celebration of their most famous ex-player. In a mere three pages, Blatter is referred to as "a kind of football Pope", "a keen athlete", "a talented writer", "smart", "cunning" "successful" and "spectacular" before being hailed for accomplishing "many feats that seemed impossible" and "possessing a remarkable natural stamina on his feet, in a similar way to the immovable Mattherhorn". Another single sentence calls him "multilingual, eloquent, quick-witted, savvy, jovial and by no means introverted".

Faced with all that, no wonder Platini decided to wait for a time when he might run against a mere mortal rather than Supreme Being Sepp.

Di Maria, who?

Manchester United's record signing may have impressed in patches on his debut at Burnley, but he is evidently still struggling to make an impression on MUTV pundit Pat Crerand. The grand old man may have had a coffee-based liquer on his mind last week, when he was heard referring to "Dia Maria."

Hotel gloom

A few days in a hotel with England is going to seem like a busman's holiday to Fabian Delph. The Villa midfielder was forced to leave his rented house in the Midlands this summer when his landlord sold it and has yet to find a suitable replacement - meaning he, wife Natalie and young baby daughter Sofia are currently living in a hotel room.

Hock still smiling

Paul Thomas

All smiles:

Farewell to Leeds United's David Hockaday, who may have caused more laughs than Timmy Mallett's Wacaday but by all accounts was a decent bloke. For evidence, here's a correspondent: "The entire Leeds squad were on my honeymoon flight to Verona in late June, en route for some friendlies. Hockaday ended up sitting next to us. My wife said to me, 'is that a football team?' I said, deliberately louder than necessary, 'sort of. It's Leeds United.' Some of the players nearby looked at me all mardy. But Hockaday cracked a big smile."

Chant you funny!

Manchester City may have slipped up in the title race but their fans already have one hand on the trophy for best chant of the year. During last Monday night's game at the Etihad, Liverpool supporters regaled them with the standard "where were you when you were s**t?" City fans replied with a chorus of "where were you when Gerrard slipped?"

Mara-doner

You may have thought Diego Maradona's weight gain was the standard bloat of a former cocaine user, but in Turkey evidence has emerged to suggest the great man may be partial to the odd Elephant Leg with chili sauce...

Wicked whistle

Which manager's unorthodox methods continue to baffle his players? Two senior squad members were simply told to run around the perimeter of the club's training ground pitch. When they asked what to do after that, the manager replied: "Just keep running." They ran for an hour and a half.

Football gaffes

Heard a gaffe? Tweet it using #FootballGaffes or email steve.anglesey@trinitymirror.com, putting 'Football Gaffes' in the subject field

"Balotelli is still young but he's getting older every year" - Darren Gough

"Balotelli will be a disaster from word one, from the minute go" - Mike Parry

"Football is the only industry in the world where football club owners don't want to speak to football agents" - Barry Silkman

Name game

Fulham may have picked up their first point of the season but fans still probably wish they could forget the name Felix Magath - as local rivals Brentford apparently did when the sides met in the Capital One Cup.

There were nearly 7,000 empty seats at Craven Cottage on Saturday and it may be that owner Shahid Khan has to look at some innovative ways of selling tickets, as he has done with his NFL side Jacksonviille.

Only last week Jaguars fans received their season tickets and with them a money-off coupon offering a 50 per cent reduction on classes in how to carry a concealed weapon!

Overheard....

Tell us the funniest things you’ve overheard either said or shouted at football and you can win a pair of VIBE headphones, RRP £79.99. There are more prize details at www.vibeaudio.co.uk.

Tweet your stories using #FootballOH or email them to steve.anglesey@trinitymirror.com, putting 'Overheard' in the subject field.

But this week's winner is @gtsmale: In the 1980s Tony Adcock came on for the last 30 minutes as a Manchester City sub. Fan stands up and shouts; "It's Adcock's half hour!"

Yes way, Jose

"Fantastic" and "happy" were two words used by Jose Mourinho after seeing his side win 6-3 at Everton on Saturday. A far cry from the manager who, after seeing Arsenal beat Tottenham in a 2004 nine-goal thriller, sneered: "Five-four is a hockey score, not a football score. In a three-against-three training match, if the score reaches 5-4 I send the players back to the dressing rooms as they are not defending properly. So to get a result like that in a game of 11 against 11 is disgraceful."

The name of this sour old grouch? Jose Mourinho!

You don't Calf look alike

And finally... it wouldn't be transfer deadline day without remembering the time when Sky Sports' dapper Jim White looked like Steve Coogan creation Paul Calf.