“As best scientists can tell, lobsters age so gracefully they show no measurable signs of aging: no loss of appetite, no change in metabolism, no loss of reproductive urge or ability, no decline in strength or health. Lobsters, when they die, seem to die from external causes.” – NPR

Here is what I know to be true: The sky is blue, grass is green, Norah Jones is an American treasure, and Lobsters will take over planet Earth. I was recently scanning NPR, as I do almost never, and I came across an article that caught my eye. It was a interview between, NPR reporter, Robert Krulwich and Boston University Professor and Biologist, Jelle Atema. Listen to the whole interview here. The gist of the article, and the major point I took from it, is that Lobsters CANNOT DIE. They show no measurable signs of aging, loss of appetite, and most importantly…reproducing. These lobsters are fuckin’ well into there 200’s. Professor Atema suggests that the only times we see lobsters die are external causes*.

I don’t know about you but this worries me, this worries me a lot. Imagine what thousands of years of being hunted and eaten will do to you? They have to be pissed. What if for all the time they’ve been on this Earth they have developing breathing apparatus’s to help them survive on land? What if they want to be caught and they sacrifice millions of their own kind a year to lobster pots and Legal Seafoods in the name of lobster science! This frightens me, and it should frighten you too.

Here is my plan and I urge all of you to follow.

We must dress as the lobster. Then, and only then, will we avoid what is coming to us. -Mattyv

P.S. For all those people on the cockroach bandwagon, I will take my 22 pound lobster against an army of roaches any day of the week and twice on Thursday.

*When I am mercilessly stuffing my face with these tasty critters

UPDATE: I just received a BBC article from Seanlite highlighting how “A strain of cockroaches in Europe has evolved to outsmart the sugar traps used to eradicate them.” Wonderful…we are all fucked.