Philadelphia MFT

For all the joy of the holidays, they can be difficult times for some people experiencing transitions in his or her life or whose family is going through these transitions. It's important to remember that these kinds of situations present dilemmas for many people in the family. Maintaining that mindset can prevent you from taking personally something that is said or done. Divorce can make the holidays a difficult and confusing time for children and a stressful one for parents as old traditions fall apart, others are incorporated and new traditions are created. Everyone is adjusting to different schedules and travel and the stress can lead to more frank discussion from relatives who had kept quiet about true feelings for the the ex. For college students who are heading back to different family structures, the stress of school may continue or worsen through the winter break and can be more difficult to cope with after coping with the fall semester away from home. And then another semester begins in a culture that accepts and, at times, promotes drinking and more. For family members who have decided to come out to themselves or to some family members, they may find it is necessary to “go back into the closet” and face discomforting questions about being single or whether he or she or you are dating anyone. There may be openly hostile discussion about LGBTQ-identified people by some in the family that leads to feelings of danger. It's important to maintain one's boundaries in these situations. Family gatherings should be joyful and there should be some topics that remain off the table. It's important to have your nuclear family on board with maintaining these boundaries when dealing with the extended family. It may not be easy to get this, but frank discussions about what everyone needs in these situations and what it means to each if those aren't upheld can go a long way. For an LGBTQ-identified person, finding an ally or being an ally can bring some safety during these situations until a more open discussion is safe. Managing these issues alone in a nuclear family can be difficult. With extended family it can be more so. A family therapist can work with individuals or with the nuclear family around just these issues. The therapists at PhiladelphiaMFT have focused on this work throughout their training and provide an environment that is safe to discuss and resolve these family difficulties. This topic of the week was written by Brian Swope, MFT

Thanksgiving can be a stressful time if you do not get along well with family members. Make this year different with our guide to surviving the holiday. Rules to follow

Take some preventative measuresIf you have been feuding with a family member that will be in attendance, take the necessary steps to end the fight before the holiday. This allows you to walk in knowing there are no residual stressors that could be reignited.

Prep yourself on your way there In the car on your way over, think about what you do and do not want to happen today. You cannot change how others will act, but you can change your own response. Since you can probably guess what everyone in your family will do or say throughout the day, imagine what response would work best for you. Don’t drink too muchYou may find yourself repeatedly pouring yourself drinks as your stress level increases. Doing this will up your chances of saying something you may regret. Instead, try walking away from stressful situations. Don’t overeatMost people eat to the point of being uncomfortable on Thanksgiving. Doing this ensures you will be irritable after your meal, and could be a catalyst for unnecessary arguments. Eat like you would on an average day to avoid preventable stress (remember, there’s always leftovers). Give thanksThe holiday is a time to be thankful for all the good things in your life. Even though there are times when family can be stressful, many people do not have family to spend the holiday with. With that in mind, try your best to remain positive. Instead of looking for the negative things your family will do today, look for the positive and let your family know you are thankful for these things. This topic of the week was written by Danielle Adinolfi, MFT

The recent election had a lot of good news for people in the LGBTQ community. Voters approved same-sex marriage in Maine, Maryland and Washington state, all firsts. The remainder of the states allowing same-sex marriage all enacted the changes through the legislature or the courts, possibly not reflecting the will of the people. Regardless, polls shows support for same-sex marriage is gaining ground around the country. Minnesota voters, meanwhile, struck down an attempt to change the constitution there that would ban it. Elsewhere LGBT legislators were voted into office, including the first out legislator in Pennsylvania. What does this mean for the LGBTQ community? For one, it means more visibility and a stronger voice where laws are made. This will also require steadfast action as attempts will be made to undo this gain. But the larger implication is a growing sense of legitimacy in the relationship of same-sex persons. More and more people are seeing the love and bond between people of the same sex as real and worth being celebrated, just as heterosexual couples have implicitly enjoyed. This position by society can actually strengthen relationships because it becomes less necessary to hide your relationship for your personal and professional safety and for your partner. This doesn't mean a relationship will be that much easier. There is still disapproval from family members – something that cannot be protected legislatively – and relationships can still be difficult as partners adjust to varying degrees of “out” in different settings. Same-sex relationships also run into the same difficulties as heterosexual relationships. As well, some issues are magnified because of the same-sex factor. PhiladelphiaMFT therapists provide a safe space for LGBTQ persons to work through issues in his/her/nir(eir) relationships and themselves individually as they take their journey of growth through life.This topic of the week was written by Brian Swope, MFT

The process of recovery is a complicated one. 12-step programs, meetings, and withdrawal are managed while attempting to assimilate back into a normal life. But this process can be increasingly more difficult for someone who has children, and may even feel like an impossible task. Knowing what to expect can help alleviate this process. First, recognize that there will be conflict between the recovering person’s needs (i.e. going to meetings) and the needs of their family (i.e. wanting to have their parent/partner around more often). Also note that the partner and children of a recovering addict are going through their own process of recovery. They may have taken on more tasks and responsibilities while the addiction was occurring, and may be reluctant to relinquish the control they had. The family members of an addict may also be managing self-blame that they have for the addiction, and the recovering addict must help their family to realize that the family was/is not at fault for what happened. Lastly, there will be a need to create a “new normal.” Since the old pattern in the family surrounded the addiction, such as knowing mom would come home from work and drink from 5 p.m. until she fell asleep, a new tradition must be made. An example of this could be doing homework with your children after school, and then cooking dinner together as a family. Managing recovery in a family while managing one’s own recovery is a difficult task. Call one of the therapists at Philadelphia MFT for a free consultation to find out how we can help ease this transition for you and your family.