Heroes Help Themselves. And Junkies Too!

Heroin enthusiasts yesterday heaped praise on the British Armed Forces for assisting with their ongoing quest to obtain large quantities of their favourite drug after press revelations that soldiers returning from the frontline in Afghanistan were smuggling some of the finest Afghan heroin into the UK via army planes.

One spokesman for the UK’s largest group of opiate aficionados was quoted as saying: “In these difficult times of recession and government cuts it is refreshing to see our brave boys chipping in and helping to relieve the constant worry faced by our members over securing adequate supplies of skag.”

It is estimated that the knock on effects from the selfless actions of these soldiers will have a massive impact on the already beleaguered UK economy. Experts predict a ten-fold increase in the number of spoons, needles, cotton wool and coffins sold in the UK every year. However, it is not only in the drug paraphernalia market that things are set to improve thanks to the ‘Class A’ smuggling efforts of our brave boys. The music industry is set for a massive windfall once the imported Harry is on the streets. Sales of Lou Reed albums and 1970’s Iggy Pop Cds are expected to go through the roof.

The National Heroin Users Association have welcomed the actions of our soldiers issuing this statement: “For far too long UK smack devotees have had to put up with inferior quality product, often sold at vastly inflated prices. I am confident that once this supply has been distributed, we will see a significant increase in the numbers of our members nodding off and gouching out. This, when coupled with a huge decline in the levels of rattling and jonesing we see at our centres throughout the UK, can only be good news for dragon chasers and channel swimmers everywhere”

However, the news was not welcomed by all pro-narcotic groups. The revelations were greeted with dismay by cannabis users and cannabis organisations who claim that the actions of the armed forces showed a disregard for the plight of their members, and the Afghani drug producers. The ‘Cannabis For UK’ website simply displayed a link to a recent study by the UN which described how the cultivation of cannabis in Afghanistan was more profitable for farmers than cultivating opiates. It is believed that Cannabis For UK are in discussions with Fair Trade organisations in an effort to highlight the economic benefits of cannabis use for Afghan agriculture.