Bush visited Baghdad for six hours. He wasn't even in the real Baghdad. He was in the Green Zone. That's like going to the Olive Garden and saying you've been to Italy." --Jon Stewart

"The president was here for five hours. The first fifteen minutes were spent with the new prime minister, then a quick power nap to sleep off jet lag. That took two hours. Quick chat with the troops, judged a local humus cook-off and then ... with an international flight, you kind of want to get to the airport two hours ahead. You got the check-in, security, duty free shopping. ... He picked up a bottle of perfume for Laura -- Ahmed Chalabi's 'Desperation.' It's an intoxicating blend of Sunni and Shiite aroma -- smells awful. ... Just his being there for five hours makes a statement. It told the Iraqi people, 'I'm with you. I stand behind you. And now if you'll excuse me, I'm getting the f**k out of here'" --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry

"President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq today. It lasted five hours. Five hours? That's longer than he stayed at any National Guard meetings." --Jay Leno

To Live is A Value Judgment - Albert Camus
3 reasons for living: Jazz, Hoops and women

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early,
dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her
marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt.
"Reach up there and find out."
She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's
gruesome!"
"Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand back
up there, it'll grow some more!"

How do you get a man to do situps?

Glue the TV remote between his ankles...

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: More to the point, what was she doing outside of the kitchen?

The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn
in as American citizens.
"It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are American citizens at
last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?"
"Yes, you male chauvinist pig," his wife replied. "Tonight, you cook
dinner and I get on top!"