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Friday, 15 July 2011

SAILORS WILL BE SAILORS

Okay, guys and gals, I am back again. As you probably know, 'Leave' in the Navy is called 'Leave', whereas short leave ashore is called 'Liberty'. Unlike the Army, which has a lot of manpower, ships don't have much to man all Action Posts and, at the same time, send people on Leave. From the time I joined the Navy in 1973 until I left last year, 'Leave' was always restricted. This is in sharp contrast to our Army brethren who not only get full Annual Leave but also Casual Leave, Study Leave etc.

Therefore, various kinds of excuses are often devised to somehow get leave or extension of leave.

I was on duty as an Officer of the Day (OOD) on board a ship in Cochin (the spellings had not yet been changed to Kochi) harbour. 'Liberty' is permitted for Senior Sailors until thirty minutes past midnight and for Junior Sailors until midnight. It is the job of the Duty Chief Petty Officer to report to the OOD at forty-five minutes past midnight that all Libertymen have returned aboard safely. The OOD in turns makes a report, only if there is default, to the Executive Officer (XO, the second in command). On that particular night, I was hovering around the gangway when the Duty Chief came to report to me that all Libertymen were correct except for Leading Signalman Pillai.

I was furious and being a young and enthusiastic Subaltern Lieutenant that I was I thought of waiting at the gangway itself so that I could give Pillai a good dressing down as soon as he'd step on board. Fifteen minutes went by and there was no sign of Pillai getting back, drunk or otherwise. I had already built up to the harangue that I would give him. Another fifteen minutes went by and now steam had already started coming out of my ears. Still no sign of the errant boy.

It was getting late; but I reckoned if I had waited this long, I might as well wait a little longer to participate actively in the fireworks on his arrival.

At about 1:40 AM when I had tough time in keeping awake, the gangway phone rang (there were no cell phones during those days). The quartermaster picked up the receiver, listened for a while, nodded his head, and then handed the receiver to me.

There was a feminine voice at the other end whose opening query was to ask me if I was the Odd Man. Calmly I confirmed that I was the OOD. Next she wanted to know if Pillai was from my ship. I expected the worst; what if Pillai had met with an accident? She said I and the ship should be proud of Pillai. Once again I confirmed to her that yes indeed we were and he was to get his just reward (at least seven days of No. 11 punishment, that is, extra work and drill for an hour each in the morning and evening; but that I didn't tell her).

Next she enquired if Pillai was ever let off from the ship without completing his assigned task. I confirmed to her that such an eventuality never took place. Now, she switched to her sexiest tone and said that if I was so proud of Pillai, then how was it that I wanted him to return on board without completing his task....with her?

The Navy trains you well but nothing in my naval training had prepared me well to answer that query.

Pic courtesy: Stinkbrown.org

I believe one of my superiors on another ship did well to answer a similar query. A telegram was received on board, "Request extension ten days; wife not satisfied." This officer had the good humour to send response, "Extension granted until wife satisfied."

Another telegram received on board for a sailor read: "Mother serious; come home immediately for Diwali."

Then there is this one that was told to me:

A sailor returned late from Liberty and was produced in front of the OOD as a defaulter. The OOD asked him to tell what went wrong. The sailor explained that he had gone home only to find that his wife was having a bath.

"So?" boomed the OOD."So, sir, I opened the door a little and saw her" replied the sailor."And naturally you got aroused. But that shouldn't have taken you all of six hours" blasted the OOD again.And the sailor replied, "That's correct Sir, but, it took me that much time to dry my uniform."

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This was told to us by a Rear Admiral on his farewell party in the Command Mess, three decades back:

An American lady on a visit to Mumbai wanted a taste of an Indian sailor's sex appeal. But there were literally hundreds of them going and coming out of the Sailors Institute in Colaba. So, she asked a friend how could she make the right choice. The friend told her that she had read somewhere that there was a relationship between a man's libido and the size of his feet; the larger the feet, the greater would be the libido.

So, this lady stood at the entrance of the Sailors Institute in Colaba, Mumbai and kept watching the foot-wear of the sailors. Finally, when she thought she had sighted a large enough pair, she made friends with its owner, a sailor called Amrik Singh.

They checked into a hotel and as per her expectations the lady had rollicking time the whole night. In the morning, she went to drop Amrik back at the Lion Gate, the main entrance to Naval Dockyard (Mumbai) where Amrik's ship was berthed.

As Amrik got out of the car, the lady gave him some money and these were her parting words, "Thanks Amrik. This money is only so you can buy yourself another pair of shoes; these ones must be pinching your feet."

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Holding the Mirror

I have done a long stint in the Indian Navy that lasted for nearly thirty seven years; I rose as far as my somewhat rebellious and irreverant nature allowed me to. On retirement, the first thing that occured to me, and those around me, was that I Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (you will find an article with this title in this blog) and hadn't lost all my noodles and hence thought of my blog This 'n That.

I detest treading the beaten track. This blog offers me to air 'another way' of looking at things. The idea is not just to entertain but also to bring about a change.

Impudent or otherwise, I have never been insousciant and I am always concerned about the betterment of community, nation and the world. I hope the visitors of this blog would be able to discern it.

Previews

Now that our Raksha Mantri (Defence Minister), Shri AK Antony, has, like all politicians before him and probably after him, shown aversion to talk to his service chiefs we need to examine why is it so. Even our bureaucrats are used to putting the uniformed personnel in their place. We have reached a situation in our country when the collective neglect, indifference and aversion of the government, administrative and police towards the armed forces has made this honourable profession one of the least attractive of all professions in India for the youth of the country. (Read more in 'Admiral and Mantri Ji' under the section 'In Lighter Vein')_____

I believe that it is not just 'we are what we think'; but, also, the universe is what we think it is. Surprised? Hogwash? We often refer to it as 'magic' or 'supernatural' what we cannot understand. Those who can let their imagination take wing can 'see' and 'hear' things better than others; something that we have called ESP (Extra Sensory Perception). So, in order to carry forward this argument, what if the saints and spiritual leaders before us had discovered that senses can get us only so far and no more; and that going beyond the senses may be the way to go. That is, the expression "are you out of your senses" may not descibe you as an idiot but as a great intellectual? (Read more in 'Being Non-Sensical May Be Far Sighted' under 'Philosophy' section)_______

Navy is a true international service; it is because most often than not it operates beyond 12 nautical miles of the coast and hence in international waters called the high seas. Our counterparts from the Army and the Air Force rarely leave the country whereas we do it on an everyday basis; in almost every sailing we leave the territorial limits of the country. (Read more in 'Foreign Jaunts' under 'Navy - Nostalgia')______

We don't have to go as far back as my grandparents times; if Valentine Day had to become popular during my dad's times, how would it have been? My dad died of an accident when he was just 56, one year younger than I am now. During his days, except for in movies, couples never publicly expressed love for each other. It would be indirectly hinted rather than 'in-your-face' proclamation. There were no Valentine Day cards or other accessories. (Read more in 'If Dad and Mom Had to Celebrate Valentine Day' in 'Life is like that')______

She loved him. He loved her. There was a thick white line between their ends of the court. The match started.

First, she held her breath, extended her arm and muttering ""Love, love, love.." went charging into his side of the court. If only she could touch him and return across the thick white line. (Read more in 'Love and Fencing' under 'Stories')______

They finally found him not in a cave in a mountain but in a huge mansion in Abbottabad, a few hundred metres away from Pak Military Academy. I was reminded of this scene in Mel Brooks' Silent Movie in which they are looking for Burt Reynold's house whilst standing in front of a huge mansion with a large sign atop the house with his name on it that even the blind would have had difficulty in missing. (Read more in 'Osama, Obama, O Mama' under Opinions)_____

South Bombay prided itself in having the finest of the theatres patronised by decent crowds; the type who would be aware as well as well mannered: Regal and Strand in Colaba, Eros at Church Gate, Metro at Dhobi Talao, New Empire, Liberty and Sterling and later New Excelsior near Flora Fountain. There was Akaashvaani near LIC Building and one could watch good repertoire of movies there devoted to a theme. (Read more in 'My Young Days of Watching Movies in South Bombay' under Music and Cinema)

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Sometimes I feel life is blaséAn alluring mirage that I chase.Sounds of fun and laughter areLike gunshotsPiercing through my heart. (Read more in 'If Only' under Poems and Limericks)

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How we admire the wisdom of those who come to us for advice! Indeed, some people are convinced that rendering advice is a fundamental right at par with such other rights as Right to Speech, Right to Religion, and Right to Property...(Read more in 'One Good Advice Deserves Another' under 'Humour')_________

Recently, when we watched the movie ‘3 Idiots’, we were entranced by the song ‘All Is Well’...(Read more in 'All Is Not Well' under 'Opinions')_________

The other day, a really dear friend came home to share the evening meal. The conversation drifted to the propensity of the senior hierarchy of the Navy to get entangled in trivial matters...(read more in 'During Our Days' under 'Navy - No One Asked Me But...')_________

No, this is not the end of radio communications; Roger is the name of our Labrador retriever. Like any retriever he is happiest when he is out...(Read more in 'Roger Out' under 'Humour')