US looking forward to day GWOT moves out in 3 years, becomes someone else’s problem

The following is an op-ed written by the United States of America, the father of GWOT, a 15-year-old teenager.

Wow, can you believe it? It’s already been 15 years since that fateful day in September when GWOT came screaming into this world.

It was just amazing how fast he went from crawling in stateside training to walking through Afghanistan to running right through Iraq, blasting everything in sight. One day you’re watching your little boy camping in Boy Scouts and the next you’re seeing him walking down MSR Tampa with a graduation kevlar cap on.

Boy did that little bastard make me proud.

When you invest as much time and energy into something like this, you try to remember the good things that tell you it’s all worth it.

I gotta admit: The AC-130s he was using to lay waste to Fallujah were pretty awesome. And when GWOT took out that jihadist asshole who planned the biggest attack on America, I couldn’t have been more excited.

But if I really stop and think about it, the truth is that this last decade-and-a-half has been pretty terrible. And, to be fair, that’s probably an understatement.

I just keep thinking three more years; Three more years until my 99th kid (or 134th? I honestly lost count) moves the hell out, and hopefully, becomes someone else’s problem.

I haven’t been this excited since those visits to Paris and Brussels. It seemed like there might actually be a permanent move.

Minors and custody, am I right?

I guess those exchange programs in Europe offered some respite, but at this point, I’m just ready to wash my hands and get rid of this teenage nightmare. He’s constantly running away from home to places like Yemen, Somalia, and God knows where else, and don’t even get me started on the phone bill he’s racked up from satellite communications.

Next year he’s going to be 16 and he keeps asking me for a pilot’s license and a new plane.

Do I look like I’m made of money?

Money. Think of all the money I’d save and be able to spend on myself. I’d definitely buy myself a nice estate down in Boca, and maybe even a couple of boats.