The person writing the tip suggested writing sweet notes for your kids on their bananas. I promptly went and traced notes on all of our bananas and then immediately forgot about it, until the next day when I heard Victor screaming about how the bananas were talking to him.

I acted like he was insane and like I couldn’t see any notes on the bananas, and asked if maybe he needed to go lay down and rest, but then he was all “I recognize your handwriting, dumb-ass. Why are you writing threatening letters on the bananas?” and I was like “Because we were out of post-its?” But then I finally admitted that I was just practicing, because I thought it would be funny to write paranoid demands on bananas at the grocery store, so that when people get them home they’ll be all “What the fuck? Are these bananas talking to me? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?” Then Victor just shook his head and walked out of the room. Probably because he couldn’t stand how awesome I am.

PS. I suppose you could also write sweet, complimentary things on anonymous bananas, like “You’re so beautiful” and junk, but honestly I think having a banana hitting on me would be way creepier than one telling me to “Act natural. You’ll be contacted soon.” It’s probably just me.

PPS. I can only think of about 6 things to write on stranger’s bananas so if you have any suggestions, please leave them.

If you were magic, then you could write on the inside of the banana skin, to only be seen after it’s completely consumed, “Oh, I forgot to tell you, I have a rash.” OMG rampant banana STDs!!
Or
“Don’t mind the spots, it’s just monkey pee.”
“Murderer”

I suppose “Eat me” is a little obvious… “phallic” would just be rude. “Call your mother” might help strengthen family bonds, or finally push someone over the edge of matricide. “Hi, my name is Anna” would be cute. “whadda you lookin’ at?” would be a good one for NJ…

This is brilliant and I want to do it so badly. It would give me so much joy! I just wish I would be able to see people’s response. Maybe I will try it on my roommate first like you did on Victor…
Much love,
B

God, that’s cute!
I found out the other day that my 21-month old nephew loves bananas to the extent that, from half a store away he spotted them and started screaming, “BANANAS! Bananas bananas! Want BANANAS!” I should tell my sister to scratch “Time to go night-night” in the skins. It might save her a few migraines.

I once scratched “Don’t kid yourself. You know you did it.” on a banana and my ex told me he cheated on me with his favorite barista at Starbucks. I still can’t believe he confessed because of accusatory fruit. Also, I haven’t had Starbucks since.

That’s the most useful Lifehack I’ve read to date. I’m giddy imaginging the endless possibilities of messaging I can include on my tradesman husband’s lunch bananas. As you might imagine, his co-workers are relentless about his affection for the fruit.

I shouldn’t be telling you this, but you can also use a needle to poke holes in the skins every 1/2 inch or so down the banana. when you have the needle inserted you move it back and forth. Then, when the person opens the banana it falls apart in slices.

Oh my goodness, this was the perfect thing for first thing Monday morning. My mind also goes immediately to threatening messages, because they’re so much more fun when they mysteriously appear. Too bad my husband doesn’t like bananas . . . Oh well, random acts of insanity right?
I’m thinking:

You’re being followed. NO! Don’t look!
Don’t even blink
It’s heeeeeeeeeeeeere.
REDRUM
Are you the gatekeeper?
I am the keymaster
There’s something on your back

Also, I think it would be awesome to write a different message each day “5 days” “4 days” “3 days” “2 days” “1 day . . .” so it looks like the apocolypse is being spelled out in bananas, but you might want to do that one at home because I have a feeling it would cause a terrorist alert if you did it in the grocery store.

The comments on this post are fucking fantastic, as is the post itself. All of my bananas are going to say “Moo.”
Also, I had to sing that Gwen Stefani song to myself in order to correctly spell “Bananas”.

Wow. My kids have been doing this for a long time. I didn’t realize that it was a “thing.” So, you’re telling me that my kids are “trendy?” I just thought they were a little dense. Especially since they were writing their own NAMES on the bananas and then claiming that “It wasn’t ME! I swear!” with wide, wide eyes which, you know, is kind of funny because they, too, have easy to recognize handwriting. Especially my daughter who writes some letters backwards, still.

Grocery store bananas should say something like “Oranges are healthier” or “Carnivores are wealthier.”

I wish I wasn’t allergic to bananas! This is hilarious. I will so risk getting sick to write on someone’s banana. Hopefully next time we go camping in a big group someone brings a bunch of bananas. mwahahahahahhahahaha

I do believe that you and I were separated at birth… as I would so do this and I can totally picture the metal chicken scenario playing out at my house (and the conversation at the store) being identical with me. I love you and I think we should have beautiful babies together — except Im a female so I will likely have to admire you from afar — (or from the produce aisle via bananas)!

No good thoughts to add on what to write. My wife and I write to each other in the bathroom mirror after a shower. Write in the fog with your finger and the words show up again the next time the mirror gets fogged. It’s how I proposed and how she accepted.

Have to consider writing some of these interesting suggestions, except she’ll know it’s me doing the writing. Hm.

Walk the straight and narrow path for now.
What’s vice today may be virtue tomorrow.
You need to talk to someone.
Never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you.
Idleness is the holiday of fools.
May you live in interesting times.

I have never liked bananas. Now I know why. I will, however, continue to buy them for my family. Only THIS time, I’ll write horrifying things and see if they even notice. They probably won’t. That’s the worst part about trying terrify oblivious people. *sigh*

This is gold. I just bought a bunch today and I’m off to write on them now.
I think I’ll put PEEL HERE with an arrow pointing to the wrong end. Surely someone in my family is daft enough to fall for it.

Either we read the same sites or I’m becoming like you from too much exposure to your blog.🙂 First you have the Cookie monster cupcakes I just made with my child and just this am I saw the banana trick and wrote “I’m dying here!” on one in the kitchen.

Too funny, and so timely as a friend made banana cream pie last night and had my hubby and I over to share.

Since nobody else has suggested it yet, I would say to write “Nanerpus” and “I love pancakes” on bananas. Bonus points for drawing on the eyes and moustache as well. For those who don’t remember or have no clue what I’m talking about, Here’s Nanerpus!

I work in a silent testing room and had to get up and walk out bc I was laughing so hard.
You could at least buy me dinner first!
10 inches (on about a 6 inch banana)
Poke me
It was the butler in the kitchen.
eeew, your hands smell-where have they been
Idea for a whole bunch
1. Knock Knock
2. Who’s there
3-? and so on.
Also, you should totally put up a link to your website.

Loved @M “put me inside you” but I would say “I want to be inside you”

Either way, I have a feeling that when I get the bananas home from the grocery, I’ll find that someone else has already written on all of them. Thank you, bloggess, for creating this fad that everyone wants to try and one that noone will get to try because the first person to the grocery store will have their way with every single banana on display!

How about, “Don’t even think about it, you dumbass fetish freak?” Makes people rethink the phallic produce purchases.

Of course, I’d need to know what the word count capabilities of an average sized banana are so I can know whether or not I should mail fruit baskets with my manuscript etched into the bananas to lit agents around the world. It could be like seeing the Virgin Mary in the mold in your refrigerator, it’s a divinely inspired sign you should rep my book.

Thank you, Dear Bloggess and subsequent posters for making this the most hysterical Monday ever! I’ll be off to the supermarket with toothpicks in hand. But first I will practice with the two unsuspecting ‘nanners’ in the kitchen!

You want to know what is even better? Actually writing on a banana. No joke. Get a Bic pen and go crazy. It’s the most wonderful surface. Like writing on a baby’s bottom. Not that I’ve ever had a chance to compare.

“Don’t eat me. I’m poisoned.”
“Also, don’t trust that guy to your left. He looks suspicious.”
“Fine, go ahead, eat me. You took my wife and children earlier this week–what do I have to live for?”
“Yes, bananas have feelings too, you monster.”

Wow. My mother says you’re like an evil version of me, and I think she may be right. This only makes me want to be more evil, of course, out of sheer jealousy.

I’m working on it, even though it will probably piss off my ghost, who seems fairly non-evil.

Also I am adding “Write on Strangers’ Bananas” to the daily checkoff list on my iPad (recurring). I like to be organized about these things, although sadly I don’t come into contact with all that many strangers’ bananas. But it’s good to be optimistic – Law of Attraction and all that happy crappy. 🙂

Awesome. I think this would be a great place for company sponsorship. They could write “Michellin” or “Tide” on the sides of bananas! Then they could put wheels on them and make them race around a track for hours. Endless fun for rednecks.

We don’t even eat bananas but I am pretty sure I must go buy some now. I am picturing talking bananas showing up all over the world in stores and law suits springing up with police trying to find out who is responsible for all the banana tampering.

You guys are so hilarious!! But I think you could take it one step further and add “worms”. Poke a spaghetti noodle through one end of the banana and let it sit overnight. When somebody bites into it, they’ll think it’s a worm. Haha. It would be even funnier if you put “one of us has worms” on the outside of one in a whole bunch.

Oh! OH! OH!!!! This is the best thing I’ve heard since EVER! My job buys produce for the staff and bananas are a big hit (we’ve got a lot of orally fixated girls up in here; Freud would have a field day!). I should totally mess with my co-workers. Screw SHOULD, I totally AM going to mess with my co-workers!

This is great. The guys I used to work with (at a garage) liked propping a banana between two apples. It was funny until a customer would show up.
How about:
*The best 7 inches of your life.
*Firm and Tasty
*Raw and Uncut
*You’ve got a pretty mouth.
*Test Version
*Test Code 69874

Oh. My. God. I love you…and your bananas! Where do you come up with this shit?

Hi! I stumbled onto your blog from I don’t know where-but you are now locked in tight with a link on my blogs “Good Reads” I would write more but, hell, my blog is so full of why-are-we-here existential…crap that I’d just rather read yours!

Damn. My imaginary roommate can be so glad he/she does not exist right now. I would banana-torture the living shit out of them. If I had any bananas. Or roommates.
Hm. There are serious flaws in my plan right now.

I had a slew of things to write, was nearly on my way to the store! Then I remembered things aren’t the same as not too many years ago… I’d most likely end up in jail for some infraction against homeland security for even looking at a banana crosseyed, let alone writing anything. The banana has found safe haven thanks to terrorism.

When my nerd friends and I were in high school, we used to write random, anonymous notes with pen on bananas and leave them places – peoples’ doorsteps, on top of cars (strangers’ cars…each others’ cars…whatever). Sometimes, we’d skip the notes altogether, and just leave bananas. Yep. We were totes awesome. It’s funny how the random, unexpected banana (containing a message, or not) can be ridiculously, gigglingly menacing…

In honor of this post, a story that bears repeating, I just told the Rev. on 13 one of my deepest darkest secrets: once a psychic said I would be a cult leader, and I had the nerve to ask if its ok that we worship bananas. And now you, Ms. Bloggess (a cult leader in her own right) have provided the method for delivering my message. Banana Graffiti. I am off to all the local groceries to write spiritual messages for all brave enough to shed their the peel of sin.

Your contribution will be noted at the Palmy Gates and I will be sure not to forget you when the last supper comes: Banana Cream Pie and kool aid for all!!!!

Um, considering the prior post to this is called “I will kill all of you” (or something. I meant to remember but then switched to this page to write it and this is what you get. If that’s not it – dude, YOU wrote it. I don’ t know why *I* have to tell you what is says. Are you half high again?), I feel like you can probably come up with plenty of things and/or just use all old blog titles (well, only those that will fit on a banana – some are long).

PS – Dude, it tells me your last post title below – I will kill everybody. You do care about the little people (and by that I mean drunks and alz heimers patients)!

PPS – I first mistyped it as “I will call of you.” That would also be weird on a banana, but not that threatenting.

Well crap. All the good names have been taking. I’m currently plotting how to sneak into the school cafeteria and write on all the lunch bananas or perhaps convince the lunch ladies that it is worth their time. I would love to have my students pick up bananas with smart-ass sayings. Nothing too offensive of course….

Push a needle in and waggle it and you can slice a banana without peeling it and with no visible sign of tampering. Now you can write ‘Pre-Sliced’ or ‘I’m all cut up’ on the outside.
The best time to write has to be just before your loved one packs their lunch box. It will freak them out when they know they packed a perfect banana and when they open the box it has writing on it >:-)

This is PRICELESS! I can’t wait to go fuck with my kids…I mean, write them love notes. Ahem. I’m thinking something like “eat more apples” or “maybe next time I’ll peel YOUR skin BWAHAHAHAHAH!” I’m still working on the ominous messages.

OK so I’m too lazy to scroll through 273 messages to see if someone suggested this, but I think it would be cool to take a pic of the leprosy monkey holding a secret message banana. That would be ultimately creepy.

“Don’t let the monkey with snout leprosy eat me please.”
“Ch-ch-ch ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh”
“Is that one of my relatives in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
“Don’t you want me baby, don’t you want me oooooooohhhhhh”
“Does anyone remember Bananas in Pajamas? Why can’t I have pajamas?”

Hide me
I’m famous
Infectious
STD-free. Promise
42
Just who the hell are you?!
Who dressed you this morning?
Stop. Drop. Roll.
Ride me
Whoop whoop
Take me to your leader
You’re lucky I don’t have teeth

I have several more but I need to get some damn work done today. And I have to carve shit in hubby’s bananas. Bwahahaha!

WHOA-HOA! Can’t wait for tomorrow morning!!! Just wrote all over the bananas for my kids to find. (“Did you make your bed?”, “Don’t forget to brush your teeth!”) The voice of God (well mine) will forever be in their heads now. I should probably program a therapists number in my phone now though.

My mind is going a mile a minute… hope I can remember the ones that flew through…

Not here the feds are watching
Bad touch! Bad touch!
Your hands are so smooth
What’s your sign?
Do you come here often?
I’m tellin’ MOM
The monkeys are after me.
Got any whipped cream?
You can’t handle the fruit!
As you wiiiiiiiiiiiisssssshhhhhhhh
I’m the key to the JFK conspiracy
I was King Kong in my former life
Shoes are my weakness
Be all that you can Banana
Your FIRED
Witness Protection Program

I totally have a manager’s retreat coming up in October I wonder if they can put bananas on the breakfast buffet for me… I would have so much fun with all of the hung over managers…. hehehehe I feel some evil coming on…

Would it be wrong to write, “I want a divorce” on the bananas at the store? I mean it might open up the lines of communication in some homes, or lead to homicides… well, either way somebody’s losing a house.

OH MY HELL!!! I wish I’d known this when I was at the grocery (which I NEVER go there….unless it’s for wine) for bananas when I had to make that banana pudding. But, on the upside, since we’ve got some leftover bananas here…..I may just have to freak hubby out a bit. It will put some “pep” into our Tuesday.

This is epic!
I don’t personally like bananas, but I DO like playing dirty tricks on people.
Here’s some thoughts…
“Open Here” (with an arrow pointing to the tip)
“Let me out of here”
“I’m tainted. Pick my friend to the left.”
“I know what you did.”
“The apples are against us”

Lesson learned:
In my local grocery store (Ingles) in the busy after-work time frame, there are two produce guys working, and it’s difficult to scratch more than a few letters into an unsuspecting banana without looking suspicious.

Lesson learned:
In my local grocery store (Ingles) in the busy after-work time frame, there are two produce guys working, and it’s difficult to scratch more than a few letters into an unsuspecting banana without looking suspicious.

Still cackling, toothpicks & list of fav messages in hand, mini-van keys in the other…handsome husband totally baffled as I race out the door, but if I hurry, I can get to our local market before they close @ 10pm.

Tomorrow, enormous coffee in hand, loitering in the produce section — can’t think of a more amusing way to spend my morning?

not only did i laugh so hard i nearly wet my pants, i also read it to my hubby who thought i had lost my mind. wait til tomorrow when he’s forgotten all about it and he sees what i wrote on the bananas….

My husband used to manny for some friends of ours that were on-call nurses. Lots of late nights. Any way, they had this really old cat that was always puking up something. One night Chris got home and realized he had cat vomit on his shoe. He had stepped in it somewhere in their house. He called our friends and whispered “there’s cat vomit in your house” and then hung up. That is the warning I’d scratch into some unsuspecting shopper’ bananas.

oh if only I could get close enough to a banana.. But at $14kg well just looking at them costs a fortune. I am banana deprived! So in my case writing “You can’t afford me” or “Try an orange, she’s cheap” sort of fits..

If you really want to freak someone out with bananas, use a needle to poke holes along it, wiggling the needle back and forth each time you poke a hole. Do this along the entire length of the banana, and you’ve basically managed to “slice” the banana without opening it. Then when someone opens it, it’s already sliced, and they freak out. I usually just tell people “Oh, it’s the newest thing in fruit, didn’t you know? Already sliced banana. Genetically altered.”

Is it sad that the first thing I thought of was to quietly inscribe a URL onto a banana bunch in the supermarket. Carve TheBloggess.com (or another URL) on the sly as you “examine” a few banana bunches, then buy one bunch (it’s only fair) and see if anyone comes to your site via banana marketing.

OMG! I’ve been trying to figure out how to get my daughter to try more fruit and things good for her. I wrote on our bananas “I hope Izzy tries me”, “Try me!”, “I’m tasty”, “I taste even better!”…… Fingers crossed🙂

This reminds me of a “magic trick” I did as a kid: use a needle to go through the banana and make slices carefully without leaving any marks other than the needle holes. (I hope this makes sense). Sure to delight a kid! (Or Victor)

Hahahhahaa I am totally trying that…when I can afford bananas again… $12 a kilo? Ick.
No-one wants sweet love notes on bananas. Where’s the fun in that? I think I’ll spend the $12 just to see my husband’s face when he opens his lunchbox at work…wait, maybe I will write embarrassing love notes. His macho workmates’ reactions would surely be priceless.

I have never laughed to hard in my life! So funny. My husband couldn’t even understand what I was saying as I tried to read it out to him. I love Bananas, in fact I bought a whole bunch from the supermarket today, but thanks to YOU I will never look at them the same way again. Now, where are those toothpicks…

“Be alert not alarmed” – Australia’s anti-terror slogan. I don’t think we’re very good at those but it might work better on a banana. They do say that the medium is the message.

And while we’re on the subject of naughty-fun -times in the supermarket I was there today (unfortunately before I saw Jenny’s post or things might have gone very differently) and I had to ask the deli lady for a handful of shaved hot Hungarian salami. I apologized for the unintended dirtiness of the request but she just looked at me strangely.

Showed this to my 16-year-old son last night. He cried, partly from the hilarity that is writing on bananas and partly because he has dysgraphia and CAN’T WRITE! Bet he could talk his sister into helping. Of course, my bipolar nephew is feeling paranoid lately. Messages on bananas would probably hospitalize him.

It would be cool if you could do this on other fruit, and draw faces on them. Not cute ones, but ones of pain or fear. That way hopefully, the people don’t actually see the faces until they have already bitten into them….If someone does that please send pictures….I’ll do it and send pictures….hehehehehe I’m so excited!

Oh my goodness that is too funny! I am going to have to write messagtes on my bananas and see how the boys react. Thanks for the great idea. If you get a chance please come by my blog and take a peek at me and my boys: http://MomMart.blogspot.com. And thanks again for the great idea. I think I will be writing “I bite back” on mine!

Dear Bloggess,
Could you please make your blog look like a really complex excel spread sheet, with equations and possibly some flowcharts. I’d really appreciate not having to start every meeting at work with my boss saying “Hey Lorraine, you reading that bloggess crap at work again?!?” Thanks, Lorraine

Also, I was wondering if I could cheekily ask your very funny commenters to sponsor me. I think only British commenters can do so but I’m not sure. I’m doing a Midnight Walk for a children’s hospice which is very close to my heart. Please donate your KitKat money for the day🙂http://www.justgiving.com/Camilla-Whitehill

Hey Jenny, I just found your blog thanks to a friend of mine who posted a couple of your posts on Facebook. Your page is amazing! I haven’t laughed this much – or this hard – in a long time! Thanks for sharing your unique and awesome perspective with the world.🙂

Why stop at words? Draw a subtle Jesus on the banana and then slide into the banana stand at your local wal-mart? Some hick religious nut will make the news and have a life altering experience at wal-mart all because of you. In fact. I’m doing that….tonight.

My cousin just ran out of the her parents bedroom crying about there being a monster under the bed. She’s old enouh to know better. She was just doing it for attention. Especially since it was at 5 in the afternoon. I took a banana and wrote ‘I was under the bed’ on it and left it on the counter. >:)

Haha! I know I’m bringing up the rear here on comments, but I could totally see the following phrases mysteriously appearing on a banana near you.

I apologize in advance if by some chance someone else also suggests these. I in no way claim to be the most original, blah, blah, blah…

“mello yello”
“I said what?”
“No, please, save him. Take me!”
“Hello my name is Pat”
“Have you *seen* the people in this place?”
“Hello God, it’s me Margaret” (is it still copyright violation if you use it on a banana?)
“Put me in your pocket horn dog”

This is so much better than telling ML to his face that I will stab him if he leaves strawberry tops all over the counters. I wonder if I can fit that on a banana? “Dear ML: I will fucking cut you if I find little strawberry tops all over every goddamn surface. xoxo, JJ”

I can’t wait to do this. And he thinks my army of Full-sized Edwards in the dining room is creepy…

I actually did this last night – for my husband, waited all day for some sort of response… finally I could not stand it and when I “texted” him asking him how he liked his banana messages he said ” I thought someone else did it and I didn’t eat it.” Laughed OUTLOUD at that! So what if I was a the train!
Messages:
Because, that’s why
Freak of Nature
Not for Anal use.

My vote for a banana message- or “bananagram” if you will!-goes to: “Just relax your throat”. Haha, because I like to be a little dirty. (To make it even better- or worse- everytime I tried to type “bananagram”, my iPhone changed it to “banana ram”. Now I’m a little scared that my phone is reading my mind.)

Just wanted to let you know that I found you’re blog a while ago, and I loved it. And now you have inspired me to make my own blog so people can laugh at me and my life. As well as just having a place to vent. I mean plot. I mean…

My bf is currently stuck in the hospital after a motorcycle accident. He loves bananas. Next visit, I’m bringing a bunch that have been “love noted” and leaving them by his bed so he can wake up and wonder why the bananas are flirting with him.

Every time I walk by the bunch of banana’s in my kitchen I think of this post. Tonight I broke down and drew a pair of eye’s on one of them. My husband gets the kids breakfast so I can’t wait to see his reaction.

Avada Kedavra
I Know Where Jimmy Hoffa Is
Plantains, the OTHER banana shaped fruit
Bananaphone!
Save a Banana- Kill Yanni
We don’t need to stinking scurvy!
Bi-Curious George Was Here
Help I’m being held captive in Chinese Fortune Cookie Factory!
Death Before Moon Pies
Ludicrous Speed!
These Aren’t the Bananas You are Looking For
Is that a banana in your fruit bowl or are you just glad to see me?
Hey, I heard Beyonce is into Bananas!

“You can’t handle the peel!”
Who you gonna call?
Shhh… they’re sleeping.
Goood mooooring Veit-nana!”
Quick call a Dr. … I don’t peel well.
Plank this
Peelerz!!!
Peelings… nothing more than peelings.
Fruit salad… yummy yummy.
Bananas can’ talk.
It’s just your imagination.
To the left to the left
Winner!!! I’m not empty
I like your navel
Hold me tender
Alone at last… this is the end isn’t it?

OMG, Jenny!!!!! I would not know even where to begin, I’m not a banana person, okay that sounds weird….but I’m not, however The Otherhalf is and for like EVER-I’m the one who always gets stuck buying bananas for him.
All I can say is “revenge is a bitch”, I’m totally going to be freaking F-ing with him and maybe I’ll be kind enough and drop off a bunch to the Fire Department and write crazy shit about all the guys he works with too—-you’re amazing, it’s about 12:30 am, but there are a few 24 supermarkets around here, I’m leaving now!!

I think produce is totally an untapped business venture completely overlooked until now, and Jenny, you could make a shitload of money on this.

Now instead of flowers, people will order fruit when they want to threaten and/or fuck with people.

Seriously. Think of the possibilities. Flowers are such a wasteful thing to send. You send some fruit and not only are you saying you care, or you don’t care, you’re also giving someone food. Organic food, too, if you wanted to play it that way.

And fruit sculpture. A pineapple that looks like Brittney Spears’ ass, a vodka-filled watermelon that looks like Justin Bieber’s pinkie finger.

Okay, and fingernails work. Nobody wants to say that, because it sounds unhygienic (okay, and you will probably give someone ebola by doing it) but there it is. Toothpicks are for people who plan things.

Since we’re on the topic of bananas…I have to tell you my banana/zombie dream I had a few years ago. First off, I should tell you that I’m military and at the time I was part of a pre-commissioning crew. We lived, worked, and trained (emphasis on the firefighting portion of training) onboard, of a new destroyer being built in the shipyards. One night I dreamt that the zombie apocalypse had occurred. Zombies were all over the shipyard and trying to come onboard the ship. Everyone was freaking out, trying to figure out what to do. Then, all of the sudden, an idea hits me!

EVERYONE ELSE: “Oh SPIT man! What are we gonna do?!”
ME: “You know how when you get a leg cramp and people tell you to eat a banana because your body needs potassium? Well…maybe that’s the reason why zombies moan and shuffle around. They don’t really need blood and brains; they need potassium and they just don’t know how to get it. So let’s feed them bananas!” (I know…you’re thinking “Sure, give the shambling zombies potassium so they’ll be able to run at you faster. But hey this is my dream; it doesn’t have to make SENSE.)

People run down and grab all the boxes of bananas in the food storage area, drag them back topside and start chucking bananas at the zombies, and watching as the undead scrambled after the bananas on the ground and sat down to eat them. But pretty soon we ran out and the panic started again.

EE: “Oh SPIT man! We’re out of bananas. What are we gonna do now?!”
ME: “Uhhhh…PKP!* PKP has potassium in it lets hose them down with PKP!”

So we grabbed all of the PKP bottles and started hosing down zombies and watched while the zombies rolled around in the powder. Then I woke up. I love my dreams, lol!

*PKP (potassium bicarbonate) is a dry purple powder fire extinguisher used in fighting flammable liquid fires. Firefighting had been drilled into all of our brains, lol, quite well apparently and for a good reason…when you’re out on the ocean and something catches on fire, you can’t call 9-1-1…you’re on your own.

I just discovered your blog last week from the “Happiness Project” blog and I quickly sent a link to all of my friends and family because I think you are so freaken funny. I love your sense of humor! My eyes well up with every entry. Thanks…so happy to have found you.

I lived in Russia for a while (having graduated with a degree in Russian) and one of my all-time favorite stories was from a friend who grew up, like all kids at that period, being forced to volunteer at a collective farm. He and his hooligan friends made a practice of lightly carving (similarly to your banana trick) obscenities into the rinds of tiny watermelons . By the time they were fully-grown, the words would be splayed across the otherwise perfectly good fruit. I’m sorry if any sweet, kind babushki were offended at the market, but it’s one of those things that kinda make one giggle.

I didn’t read all 566 comments, so maybe this has been said. But I’m going to HEB in a few and writing ‘Jesus loves you’ and ‘WWJD’ on a few bananas…maybe my inscriptions will become famous and appear on the 10 o’clock news!

Just wanted to share that a couple of days ago I was visiting my parents…they had bananas…next to a container of toothpicks. So later my dad was saying, “Who has been messin’ with my banana?”
lolololol

this is brilliant.
i like the idea of using the banana to convey otherwise life-changing comments to one’s significant other or close relative.
“there’s someone else…”
“you’re not the father…”
“You were adopted…”

all joking, of course🙂

and for someone at the grocery store, im thinking i would send them on a mad grocery scavenger hunt with something like this:
“clue #2: find me in the freezer section, my brand rhymes with Hen & Larrys”
and for

I did it tonight. Hit and run banana messaging. I went into my local grocery, picked up a bunch of nanners, hid behind the tomato display, and etched two messages on the same bunch. Then I said to my son (who was totally in on it and thought it was brilliant), Y’know, we already have bananas at home, so I’ll just put these back, replaced them, and went on my merry.

I’ll be giggling and wetting myself with glee in bed tonight because of the audacity of my own wit. I’m already mapping out the groceries all over my new hometown for my next victims. And believe when I say I truly have nothing better to do.

I just purchased a bunch of bananas and am going to write notes, except I’m the only one who eats them, so I’ll just be writing them to myself. I think instead of anything threatening, I’ll write stuff like, “Go get ’em, tiger!” and “You’re the top banana!”

You inspired me to follow furious happiness. The night before I went to check in for a minor but uncomfortable surgery, I made this for my 73 year old Dad, who will soon be having robotic, micro surgery on one of his testicles. (Lady junk gets regular ol’ stitches at the neighborhood hospital, but dudes get beamed aboard the fucking enterprise)

I was tempted to write on the bananas at my work. But I work at a psych ER, and that would probably be a BAD idea. Unless I put therapeutic things on them, like “You’re OK, and this banana is good for you.” And that is just boring.

This site–This is the second time I’ve come here. I’d bet you are the type to put a rubber band around the sprayer at the kitchen sink and aim it at “oncoming traffic”. My dad is like that. Luckily he calmed down a bit. He short sheeted me on the night before my wedding. But to get him back i just slept all currled up and feigned innocence about it for years. Been married 24 years now.
Good luck.

All I can think of is banana guerrilla tactics at the grocery store. (which is funny because this is the kind of thing I was thinking at 4:30 this morning). The bananas could serve purpose as a political platform to educate (or scare the shit out of) other shoppers. Sure you’d be arrested, but maybe for a good cause. I was thinking it might be ok since I’ve never been arrested and once probably would be ok.

Do you know how fun it would be to freak people out like that? Especially in uber-conservative Switzerland? Except I’d probably get thrown in jail. You can’t even flip people off here, imagine what they’d do to a banana defacer.

The Banana’s are becoming boring…I want to listen to something else. I pay good money to view this website…no wait..it’s free…I give up good brain cells to read this website…come on let’s big up my brain destruction.

I wrote “happy birthday” on one to my mom yesterday. Of course I had to sneak into their house and explain to my dad why I was mutilating their bananas with a toothpick when he walked in. I’m not sure he believed me.

I have not great ideas about what to write on a banana—and many creative ones were already listed here—so I just wanted to tell you how much I loved this post. So funny! It’s always nice to start the day with laughter—thank you!

I just came back to your blog and realized I’ve written a message to creep out my parents yesterday and today I just took the banana without even looking at it.
I don’t even know if it worked.
But I made a delicious banana shake so there is that.

I’ve had a lot of fun leaving messages on ‘nanners this week but the best was this – my 10 yr old daughter was going out of town for the weekend and she called to tell me “check the bananas!”. She left me a message “I miss you and love ya!”

Scratched “Help me. He’s crazy.” on one my BF’s bananas. He failed to notice this until one of the guys he works with says, “WTF is that on your banana dude?” then proceeded to pass it around the room for all the other guys to look at. He calls and says, “Uh babe…. did you write something on my banana today?” Naturally my response was, “That’s stupid. Why would I write something on your banana?” *snicker snicker*

We started a garden this year and planted zucchini, and in the grand tradition of that delightful vegetable we now have more than we know what to do with. So on one banana I put “Eat More Zucchini”. On the other three: “Hi”; “Orange You Glad”; and (for my sister) “My Hands Are Bananas”. Waiting to see the reaction from my family.

This is hilarious, I have to try it on my husband sometime. And the kids are starting school soon… THIS IS AWESOME!! Seriously, I found your blog and I can’t read it at work, my coworker thinks I’m nuts giggling at the computer. Well he probably already thought I was nuts, but it doesn’t help. I should bring him a banana! hahahah

Wonderful! It reminds me of when my husband still smoked, and I would surreptitiously write things on individual cigarettes with a sharpie, and then put them back in the pack. The only one I can remember off the top of my head is “I heart boy bands”.

I’m going to Whole Foods tonight to write on all the bananas just before they close so tomorrow when they open customers will see messages like, “don’t buy me,” “I’m not actually organic,” “people had to die to get you these bananas,”

“open here” and an arrow pointing to the bottom of the banana.
“Eat Me” a la Lewis Carol’s Wonderland treats.
“read a book”
“Eat more fruits”
“Does the food at McDonalds talk to you?” (maybe on a bunch of bananas)
“Good For You Food”
“Save a Banana” “Eat an Apple”
“Eat him first”
NOW. that all being said. I don’t think I would buy bananas that were talking to me. We have been trained to be suspicious of anything that may have been tampered with. BUMMER to. because that could be really cool.

This is freakin genius. When I read this last week I immediately starting plotting against my husband. The other day he comes in to the bedroom with two bananas that say, “Stay Calm, You’ll be contacted soon”. He says to me, “Look at this shit! What the hell does this mean??!” I tried to act like I had no idea but it only lasted about 5 minutes bc he was so freaked he was gunna throw all the bananas away so I felt bad and told him.

For those old enough to remember, crap, at my age that is gettin’ more difficult, anyway this one.
SMOKE ME
Been THERE, Done THAT
PSSSST your flys open, made you look.
BANG !
You’ve lost that luv’in feelin’
This IS a BOMB…(for TSA)
“JOE”

First day I wrote EAT ME FUCKER on my husband’s banana. I also wrote on the nectarine. The next day I wrote yes i am happy to see you on one side of it and EAT ME on the other. He finally told me he was afraid to eat the first banana because he thought somebody did that to it at the store. He noticed the nectarine and decided it was me and therefore safe to eat. BWHAHAHAHA

This is hilarious! Thanks for posting! I found this on someone’s FB wall and reposted on mine. Obviously, she must have been upset that I shared, so she defriended me. And the best part? She’s in her 70s! You would think someone that old would be more mature than that, but apparently this lady is still the jealous, self-absorbed wolf in sheep’s clothing that she was back in the 80s🙂

My husband did this to a bunch of bananas I was going to use for banana pudding. They included touch me and see me and peel me (and one more, probably eat me). Hilarious from a banana. Creepy as a message from a stranger.

So my hubby’s rather naive and fancies himself a “foodie.”. When I read about this trick I decided to write on his pristine bunch of five bananas — one message per day, per banana. Late at night, I started with “SPLIT.” The next day he didn’t touch his bananas and apparently didn’t notice the message. Tonight I’ve written “BREAD.” Tomorrow I’ll write “CREAM PIE.”. If he doesn’t get it by then I will keep it up but I’ll be on the lookout for a new chef! Why does he have to spoil all the fun??? Pudding, smoothie, Foster. I could go on and on ……

Yes, yes. I just found you. I know, I’m late. Holy crap you just made me laugh hysterically for the second time today. I don’t have the patience to read through these comments to find hate mail…

The BF loves bananas, I hate them (I can’t explain why or I’ll barf…no, it’s not sexual, SICKO!). I’m thinking some messages are in order. He’s been really kind to not eat them around me because I start to gag (this is partially self-preserving, as my gagging is not conducive to a pleasant snack…), but he occasionally leaves them on the kitchen counter which starts to get me queasy all by itself, ruining MY meal (I made a space for them to live in a cabinet I never use). I might be just as evil as you – in a good way – but I’m not that creative, so I’ll just piggyback on your creativity if you don’t mind…

How about writing…
Who’s that guy with the knife behind you?
She DOES know
You don’t want to know where I’ve been
Quick, let me out!
How would YOU like ME to peel YOU?
I’d rather be an orange.
I’m not coming out without a fight.

I just wanted to thank you. I read your bana post and started laughing so hard that I started to cry. The people outside my shop started to stare at me weirdl. I waved them away and temporarily forgot about my migraine.

(My brother had a college friend who was a deputy sheriff in a small Wyoming town who was once called to the scene of a rancher having… um… marital relations with a cow. Law enforcement gold: “Step away from the cow.”)

I just used the idea of this post in a practical joke for my entire office. My coworker and I wrote on over 40 bananas and came in early today (Halloween) to leave them on everyone’s desk. Confusion and giggling ensued at such messages as “Hello Clarice”, “Self Destruct in 5…4..3..2..1…”, “Banana Hamock,” and “Grrr-Arrgh” for a zombie banana.

I actually like what you’ve acquired here, certainly like what you are saying and the way in which
you say it. You make it enjoyable and you still take care of
to keep it smart. I cant wait to read much more
from you. This is actually a wonderful site.

The bananas at my local grocery story will never be the same again. I’ll load up in a cart, then cruise over to a dead area of the store to write my secret messages. Heck, maybe my twitter handle to freak folks out.

All in the Family: Courtney LeBlanc's poetry chapbook is an honest and raw look into the dynamics of family relationships, the good, the bad, and the oh-so ugly; it'll make you cringe, cry, laugh, smile, and appreciate the relationships you have with your family.