When Your Child is a Perfectionist

Do you remember this post that I wrote about our son’s perfectionism getting in his way? Leo is a perfectionist and, such, he is afraid of failure to the point of complete immobilization. He will assess a new situation, determine his risk for failure, and refuse to participate if he doesn’t think he can immediatelydo it well. We have been dealing with Leo’s perfectionism for years now and I have a feeling it is something we will continue to work on as the years progress. So, what has helped?

When Your Child is a Perfectionist

NAME IT

First, what is perfectionism?Perfectionism is the refusal to accept anything less than perfect. Talk about perfectionism with your child. Identifying and understanding perfectionism is one step on the path to managing it.

A smidgen of perfectionism can be adaptive. It’s okay to set high standards for yourself. It’s okay to be motivated and to set goals. As parents, we want our children to set goals and succeed however striving for perfection and settling for nothing less is unrealistic.

Perfectionism can be maladaptive. It can lead to indecision, procrastination, and/or avoidance.

Perfectionism can also lead to somatic complaints in young children, such as headaches and tummy aches.

TALK ABOUT IT

Worry is often at the root of perfectionism. Perfectionists are afraid to fail, and in some cases, afraid to even try due to that fear of failure. The last thing you want to do with worry is ignore it. How do we deal with worries at home?

Sometimes, it’s hard to talk about worries as they are happening. Revisiting the topic at another time can be helpful. I often bring up Leo’s worries while we’re in the car. There’s something about the spontaneity and lack of eye contact that makes the whole thing easier.

Help your child learn to manage worry. This will not happen overnight, but work with your child. Talk about various coping strategies with your child and try to figure out what might work. Great options include: guided relaxation and imagery, meditation, yoga, deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, distraction, humor, writing, and drawing. Coping skills are among the most important of life skills! Recently, Leo and I made a “worry basket” together and it has been a huge success.

I am a huge fan of bibliotherapy. Reading books about perfectionism and worry when you are in the throes of it can help your child to think about his perfectionism, process, and come up with solutions. At the end of this post I’ll share some of our favorite books on perfectionism and worry.

If your child’s perfectionism is significantly impairing his or her functioning and daily living, do not be afraid to seek help. Call your pediatrician or ask around to find a wonderful mental health counselor. Cognitive-behavioral therapy and/or play therapy can work wonders.

AVOIDANCE & REFUSAL

Leo balks at new activities. Why? Because perfectionism and fear of failure can lead to avoidance and refusal. Leo has always been his own worst critic. He would rather not try something than risk failing. Leo will ask to participate in a new activity, then he will talk about it nonstop leading up to the first meeting, and then when we are there on the first day he will have an epic meltdown and refuse to participate. As his mother, it makes me sad because I do not want him to be afraid to try things he thinks he will love. Plus, I know that one must conquer obstacles in order to build resiliency. What’s a mom to do?

Do not put pressure on your child to try every activity out there. Just because everyone is signed up for T-ball doesn’t mean your kid has to sign up.

Select activities based on your child’s interests. Your child will be more likely to branch out and try new things if those things are interesting. Leo loves soccer, nature, and art. I don’t sign him up for basketball because he’s not interested in that right now. I always ask Leo, “Have I ever signed you up for an activity that you hated?” This question alone works wonders.

Do not fall into the avoidance trap. It is important for your child to face the worries and work to overcome them, with support from you. Conquering worries builds a feeling of success and fosters resiliency.

If your child has a history of balking at new activities, talk about it before you get to the next new activity. Come up with a plan. What are some things that your child can do, or say to himself, that will help in that moment?

Remind your child of past successes. Before new activities I will say something like, “Remember that time you were really afraid to play soccer because you thought everyone was better than you but then you tried it and you absolutely loved it?” Remembering past successes can be helpful in overcoming current obstacles.

Use humor. I’ll joke with Leo, “Wait. What?! You don’t want to go to the thing that you have been talking about all week?!?” and this will often elicit a smile. Again: baby steps.

FOCUS ON EFFORT

In my world, it’s far more important that you try than that you do it well. Praise your child’s effort rather than their accomplishments. Celebrate the small successes, those baby steps that your child makes.

Support your child. Leo will get anxious before new activities even when he asked to participate in them. We’ve learned that this is normal for Leo and we anticipate the balking and support him through the process. Baby steps are okay.

Celebrate small successes. Maybe your child doesn’t want to actually play soccer at the first practice but she will agree to standing on the field. Celebrate that because you know it took a lot of effort for your little gal to get on that field.

Emphasize effort and mistakes as natural to the learning process. Learning is a lifelong journey. You learn forever, there is no destination. Perfection does not exist.

I’ve found that asking Leo, “What the worst that can happen?” is a helpful strategy. Play it out. We often will try a new class or activity and that first class is often free. Say to your child, “So, what’s the worst that can happen? You try it and you absolutely hate it? Then we just won’t go back. The world doesn’t end, you just don’t go back.”

Support your child through mistakes. Mistakes are a necessary part of the learning process and overcoming failures leads to resiliency. Mistakes are important!

MODEL IT

Monkey see, monkey do, right? Be a good model for your child.

If you are attempting something new, talk about it with your child. Share any concerns you may have and what you are doing to manage those concerns. I always talk to Leo about how worried I was to start homeschooling. I was afraid I would mess up, or not do it well. Did that stop me from trying? No. Why? Because it was something that I wanted to do.

If you make a mistake, share it with your child. Emphasize that mistakes are part of the learning process.

Laugh about your mistakes. A few weeks ago, I was making two chicken pot pies. For whatever reason, the pies were ready but the top crust was still mushy. I put the oven on broil and then some sort of child drama ensued and, before I knew it, the smoke alarm was blaring and the tops of my pot pies looked like two black frisbees. What did I do? I laughed about it, folks. I told the kids that I thought the tops looked like frisbees and then I asked the kids to open the back door. I peeled the charred tops off of our pot pies and I tossed them, just like frisbees, into the backyard. We all laughed about it as we ate our pot pie, watching the dog munch the frisbees in the backyard. Parents are not invincible. We make mistakes, too.

PATIENCE

So… has Leo overcome his perfectionism? No. We are still in the trenches, but it is getting easier little by little. Parenting is no joke, folks. If I’ve learned anything during the past seven-plus years of being a mom, it is this: This too shall pass. We have seen many a phase come and go along our journey. With time, love, support, and patience, we’ll muddle through this phase and move on to the next.

Do you have a perfectionist at home? What has worked for you? Share your tips here!

Recommended books

Here are some of the books that fill our shelves. I hope they help the little perfectionist in your life. If you have a recommendation you would like to add, please share it with me. I love a good book recommendation!

My youngest son, Seuss, is obsessed with Todd Parr books. Parr makes tricky subjects so much fun with his colorfully creative illusrations. In this book, Parr explains that everyone makes mistakes and that it’s okay! You always feel a little bit happier and better about yourself after spending time with Todd Parr!

This book is such a fun way to show young children that mistakes can be beautiful. In colorful lift-a-flap style, children will see how mistakes can be wonderful if they choose to look at them that way. The book is engaging for young children, offering a tactile experience, and can serve as a conversation starter about perfectionism.

One of our dear friends gave Leo this book for Christmas. What better way to show children that mistakes are worthwhile than to read about mistakes that made history? The ice cream cone? Folks, that was a mistake!

This is a short chapter book about a young perfectionist named Sally. Sally has all the classic symptoms associated with perfectionism: anxiety, procrastination, worry, and self-doubt, and is a great talking-point about the struggle. The book tells the story of Sally’s journey to overcoming perfectionism.

I adore this book! I love it so much that I gave it as a gift for every birthday party we have been invited to this year. My favorite quote from the book is, “Life might have its failures, but this was not it. The only true failure can come if you quit.”

This is just the sweetest story, folks. It’s about a young girl who thinks she isn’t artistic and the art teacher who inspires her. It’s a wonderful book for the perfectionist in your life and it makes a great gift for those teachers who make a difference! And, if you love The Dot (and, really, who doesn’t?) be sure to check out Ish, also by Peter Reynolds. Ish tells the story of a young boy who loved to draw until his older brother said something that made him question his ability. Things don’t have to be exactly perfect, they can be … ish.

This is the story about 9-year-old Beatrice, who is known around town as The Girl Who Never Makes Mistakes… that is, until she makes a mistake in front of an audience. Do you know what she does when she makes it? She laughs.

This book was introduced to me by a member of the {virtual} Family Book Club at My Little Poppies and I love it! It tells the tale of a little girl who wants to make the most magnificent thing. She tries and fails, again and again, and eventually quits… until her dog convinces her to cool down and try again. The result is… you guessed it… magnificent!

If you are looking for books and materials to manage and soothe your child’s worries and anxiety, please check out my post about Leo’s Worry Basket or look here.

Wondering if your child is gifted/2e?

Now, it’s your turn. Are you parenting a perfectionist? What has helped? Share here.

This post has been part of the Gifted Homeschoolers Forum May 2015 Blog Hop: Perfectionism and Other Gifted/2E Quirks. Click on the image below to keep on hoppin’!

Cait is a school psychologist, mom to three amazing children, and an unexpected homeschooler. She loves nature, good books, board games, strong coffee, and dancing in her kitchen. Cait believes homeschooling *can* be almost all fun and games!

Cait is a contributing writer for Simple Homeschool. Her work has also appeared on The Huffington Post, The Mighty, Scary Mommy, GeekMom, and many others. You can find her on Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, Instagramand G+.

Comments

Modeling how we deal with our own reactions to perfectionism and personal “failings” definitely helps. My family has it’s own joke that it’s never really Thanksgiving until Mamma sets the smoke detector off with a fire in the oven. I was mortified the first time it happened, but now it’s truly funny and we can all laugh about it.

Coaching for resiliency is so important across everything our kids do! Perfectionism can be the bane of resiliency, but continuing to help our kids learn that they can succeed, modeling rational notions of success and encouraging our kids to overcome failure are all great steps on the road to building resilient kids.

I have a perfectionist, and I am a recovering perfectionist myself. I, too, really love how you tie in the book recommendations. I can look at myself and at my perfectionist child and say that it is important with us to encourage us to be realistic in the things we take on. We are so guilty of taking on more than we could ever handle, since we are perfect and all 😉 Thanks for sharing.

“Leo has always been his own worst critic. He would rather not try something than risk failing. Leo will ask to participate in a new activity, then he will talk about it nonstop leading up to the first meeting, and then when we are there on the first day he will have an epic meltdown and refuse to participate.”

Sounds familiar!

And I strongly agree with this:

“Do not fall into the avoidance trap. It is important for your child to face the worries and work to overcome them, with support from you. Conquering worries builds a feeling of success and fosters resiliency.”

First, you just described my son. “He would rather not try something than risk failing.” Yep. That’s exactly right, and I used to be flummoxed when he would flat-out refuse to do something. It’s been a long, wild road (and we still struggle with his perfectionism), but it’s getting better.

Second, I love how you’ve outlined ways to help support and encourage a little perfectionist. I will definitely be adding many of these books to my list (I have a six-year-old daughter who I think will find them helpful, too 🙂

Finally, thanks for sharing your expertise. I, for one, need all the help I can get!

I love the “what’s the worst that could happen?” approach. We’ve also found success with a “how many parts scary/how many parts fun” assessment (or whatever descriptor applies) when trying new things that were previously avoided. We do a big happy dance once the positives outweigh the negative! 🙂

My oldest daughter is a huge perfectionist. She also has anxiety so it can be a really hard issue to navigate. She responds really well to stories…if I tell her about mistakes that I’ve made or times when I had a hard time with something, it makes her feel better knowing she isn’t alone.

I will definitely check out the books listed! I bet she would love them. 🙂

Love the idea of asking “What is the very worst thing that could happen?”
And also the concept of naming and discussing perfectionism with the child
Thank you for sharing some really helpful strategies, Cait.
Kind regards
Jo, Sprite, Retweet and the White Poodle

Hi, all! I'm Cait. I'm a school psychologist, mom to three amazing children... and unexpected homeschooler. Our days are filled with delicious books, incredible games, and a patchwork of creative resources. I truly believe homeschooling CAN be almost all fun and games!