Sparks and Mensa produce sports stockings and suspenders

The popular high street store for the intelligent and high IQ socialites has broadened its range of sporting goods by introducing sports suspenders.

"We appreciate that playing sport in winter can be very hard on the skin," said Sparks and Mensa head of marketing, Mark Spencer. "Especially when playing outside."

For this reason, S&M's latest range has been designed to optimise sporting performance whilst keeping the wearer warm. These items are made of highly durable nylon and available in a variety of skin tones and black. Additionally, there are a number of bright primary colours available. The belt is made of a non-chafe silk material with strong fastenings allowing the wearer to twist and turn under the most extreme of physical activity. This belt is attached to the stockings by six straps with strong plastic clasps. The stockings themselves are designed for maximum comfort, warmth and breathable.

"We could have gone the more traditional approach, and provided underleggins like other sporting goods manufacturers," said Spencer. "However, one of the complaints these items have, is that they ride around, twisting in a man's sensitive areas. Additionally, visiting the gentlemen excuse me necessitates removing the garment almost completely. Something that takes time. Should a call of nature come in during a match, this is time the wearer can ill afford. The belt and stockings approach allows the wearer quick and easy access for relief."

Sparks and Mensa have already lined up Jonny Wilkinson and Carlos Tevez to promote their new sporting clothing.

"Tevez has been wearing our sky blue stockings with the padded belt during those games he concedes to come onto the pitch," said Spencer. "He has publicly stated that in England's cold weather, they are invaluable."

Wilkinson has yet to wear his during a match, but has appeared in the publicity posters for the new garment.

"Wilko's said that he wears his away from the rugby pitch," said Spencer. "There is a macho image rugby players have to project on the pitch, but to protect his delicate and highly prized assets, he wears them the rest of the time."

Rumours that Jonny Wilkinson pairs his pair up with a pair of bright red heels are unfounded.

Make IainB's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

More fake news stories

BILLINGSGATE POST: With Washington State legalizing the possession and growing of pot, aircraft manufacturer Gunwing announced that workers in their assembly facility in Everett, Washington would be allowed to smoke pot on their breaks. Although th...

AP - Almost exactly a year ago, a Walmart in Ohio made headlines for an employee food drive intended to help support their fellow Walmart workers. Now come reports of additional stores rolling out the donation bins, showing that the retailers really...

Wallgreens has always wanted to be your pharmacy. Now, the drug store chain apparently wants to be your doctor, too. Not only does it operate a Mini Klinik in each of its locations, but the company also decides whether or not to fill its customers' p...

Like a pack of meth addicts whose supply has been cut off, many families are now scrambling to find a way to continue getting their happy high at southern California's "Wonderland" after it hiked up its ticket prices.
Undaunted by a recent measles...

International Business Machinations (IBM) denied reports that it plans to lay off 100,000 of its employees after losses for each of the last 11 successive quarters.
"We're in the money," CEO Ginni Romney (no relation, as far as can be determined,...

Chicago, Illinois - Manufacturers of the USA's best-selling steam mop are over the moon at a recent sales surge after Hollywood actress Gwyneth Paltrow endorsed their latest must-have add-on the All American Steam Douche Attachment.
The vaginal be...

Friday, November 28th 2014 will reign as a black day in British history, black not only for the dark deeds done on that day but also for the foul American import that caused them - BLACK FRIDAY!
Long accustomed to importing all new things American...