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Topic: What we SHOULD eat vs. What we should EAT. (Read 8422 times)

My grandparents were in a retirement community, and there were certain restrictions around little kids, particularly the pool. There were "children hours" for pool usage. I don't think it's strange that children would be restricted in some way from the dining room, but barring them completely is very odd.

Kind of tangential, but my parents are at a community "twinned" with a Kendal, which is less fancy (which is why they picked it). Boy, if the dining hall cost $20 there we would have heard of it a million times! My folks much prefer the cafeteria option. My mom actually finds the fancy aspects to not be in keeping with Quaker values and tries to be a voice for simplicity!

And yes, Quakers have founded several retirement communities, the Kendal chain being just one of them; my great-aunt was in a much, much more modest facility.

At any rate, I don't have any really novel suggestions--I think just picking the most expensive thing on the menu that appeals to you, but only as much of that as you can eat, is really the farthest you should feel obliged to go to sating her need to "get her money's worth."

In my experience, the dining hall at a senior residence is a big part of the residents' identity. They do not it to be associated with institutional food at a sad nursing home.

I suggest laying on the compliments pretty thick, both in the dining hall and in casual conversation. The food here is so good. I can't wait to have the shrimp scampi tomorrow night...last time it was better than at Chez Fancy. I just can't order a second entree...the portions here are so big. And so forth. It may go a long way toward both helping her relax and feeling like she's getting her money's worth.

I definitely wouldn't eat more than I felt comfortable eating, just for my own health. If taking leftovers back to her room is an option (sounds like it is), maybe make that the plan--either in your own head, or aloud with her if you think that would help. "This steak will be great tomorrow morning with some eggs for breakfast--DH and I can split it!" I understand her wanting to get her money's worth, but really, I'm not going to make myself sick for that. She presumably knew going into the situation that those were the rules.

One approach you could try is asking her directly, before dinner, what she would like you to do. "You've expressed several times that you don't think DH and I eat enough for what dinner costs. We simply aren't able to eat more, so how else can we help to alleviate that?" Suggestions might be giving her money to pay for your meals, bringing leftovers back to eat for a later meal, only one of you accompanying her to the dining room so she only has to pay for one guest, etc.. Maybe some of them will seem unpalatable enough to her that she will realize paying to have you both at dinner is the option she prefers. Then whenever she comments you could say, "Oh, did you want us to do Suggestion X instead, like we'd discussed? No? [implied: then quit complaining about it]"

It might be worth a try anyway, although it sounds like at her age and personality it would be rather hard to get her to change her habits. I might still have that conversation with her once, so that everyone acknowledges there ARE options, then I would feel free to ignore her food pushing or money comments after that. Just because someone says something, or wants you to do something, doesn't mean you must respond or do it.

Personally I don't really like the idea of secretly leaving people money. In some cases it works perfectly well, don't get me wrong; but generally it has a bit of a patronizing whiff to me, with someone who is cognizant enough to make their own financial decisions. At most I would keep the money in my possession but bank it in case they needed it "back" someday. Also I think it could be rather confusing for an older person to suddenly find cash, especially a fair bit, in their pocket or a drawer or something--it might cause them to worry that they were becoming mentally unreliable, because they don't remember where the money came from.

The thing is, food is -really- wasted if you eat it when you don't want it.

Actually, it's worse than wasted. Because overeating damages you.

Agreed. Eating more does not mean getting your money's worth. I consider myself to have gotten my money's worth out of a meal if I enjoyed the food and the company. At a certain point, eating more means feeling sick and possibly compromising your health (depending on circumstances). How is that getting your money's worth?

Something that just occurred to me: MIL may be thinking "I had a larger appetite 30 years ago" and over-correcting there: she knows Thipu and her family are younger, and is forgetting that this doesn't mean they have the appetite of 20-year-olds.

By over-correcting, I mean she may remember from her own youth that an elderly relative gave her far too little lunch or dinner because they figured that two people [both of whom are in their 70s] would eat X amount, so add 50% when they have one grandchild visiting, and don't see/understand that the grandchild is hungry enough to eat more than both of her grandparents together.

It doesn't change what Thipu and family should do, but it might explain a thing or two: not just "I want my money's worth" but trying to reassure them "no, eat as much as you want, we've already paid for it."

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Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.