I’m the oldest of three. I have a sister and a brother. Growing up – someone was ALWAYS left out – usually me or Derek. I always said that I would never have an odd number of children – cus someone is always left out!

When Jared and I were first dating – I made some smart remark about how I would NEVER have an only child. His mom – who is sweeter than candy – set me straight. She said – oh we wanted more – and tried – but God only gave us Jared. I was quick to not make that remark again.

You never know what people are going through. You don’t know the story behind their lives. But the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. No matter what.

I’ve always wanted 4 kids. I even had names – of course it would have been 2 boys (Christopher William and Andrew Scott) and 2 girls (Bailey Russell and Sierra Alexis) – yea – I totally remember. But I was totally gonna start having them RIGHT after high school – with my husband that I met in high school. Right. That happened. After having Fitzy – I rethought my 4 kids plan. Dude – it’s hard work. FOUR? All by myself during the day. Heck. That’s crazy! And I am starting at 30 and not 18 like I planned. So in my current reality – 2 is a great number for us. But in my dream world of being a mom at 18 and done at 24 with 4 kids – heavenly!

I realized today as the doctor told me there was no heartbeat for our little baby – our number four – that I am a momma of 4. I’m just gonna have to wait till heaven to meet the other 3.

Here’s the thing. I’m tired. We are tired. I’m broken. I feel defeated.

INSERT WARNING – if you don’t want to hear me whine a little (or a lot) stop reading. If you don’t wanna hear me say that I am doubting a few things – stop reading. If you insist on telling me that God does have a plan for my life and He IS in control – I KNOW THAT – stop reading. This blog entry isn’t gonna be about soft kittens that poop rainbows. It’s gonna be about raw hurt and emotions. So if you can’t handle that – seriously. Stop reading.

Anyway – I feel defeated. Like I said in my previous post. It’s not fair. I’m sad. It’s not fair that we don’t get to enjoy pregnancy. It’s not fair that I’m always wondering in the back of my mind if something is wrong. It’s exhausting. I see my friends have baby after baby and talk about how babies are fruit of the womb and gifts from God. Why are our babies being taken away? Am I doing something wrong? Cus then I get all judgmental and think – well I know what this chick does in her free time and she’s got 5 or 6. How on earth does God’s plan include losing babies – what good is that gonna give me? Like I said – I know that His plan is perfect and wonderful. But tell me how THIS is perfect and wonderful. And yes – I know that we can’t see it. But you can’t tell me that you don’t want to? That you don’t want to know?

Why is it that 2012 has already SUCKED bad enough and now this? We started out the year losing a baby – which would have been born next month – and in that span have already lost another? Why is it that we can’t sell our house? Why did we have to go through the roughest patch in our marriage? We could have bought – but we didn’t. It would have been foolish – so we listened to God. And here we are – still stuck. We forgave and loved – to be welcomed by this hurt? I know – I know – WOE IS ME. Yes. I have a BEAUTIFUL baby boy – an absolute miracle (which if I never thought he was – I sure do now). I have a great husband who loves me and cries with me and puts up with me and puts up with me – did I say that? I have a family who is awesome – a roof over my head – a great job that I’m great at.

BUT – dang it – I’m mad. And sad. And angry. And jealous. And forgotten. Have you ever felt forgotten? If you are a girl and you were a teenager at some point – I KNOW you have. I just feel shoved to the side. I feel like I am watching all these people around me – revel in their blessings and happiness and here we are – barely hanging on.

I don’t doubt that God loves me. I don’t doubt for one SECOND that Jesus died for me (and you). There are a few things I’m unsure of – but I just don’t know if this is the place. I’ve got enough stuff going on right now. And I don’t doubt His plan for our lives. I’m just not sure what the WHAT He’s thinking.

When we lost Enoch in 2009 – it started a connection with people I would have never met. That was beautiful and I now see the beauty from pain. But couldn’t it have happened another way? Did I have to lose a baby for those connections to happen?

What the heck – I’m just gonna say it. Sometimes – I think it’s useless to pray. I’ll get crap for that one – don’t worry. But I’m serious. Here’s the thing. People – LOTS of people prayed for our little baby this week – prayed for a MIRACLE. And it didn’t happen. Our little babe didn’t hold on and beat the odds – despite HOURS of praying.

In 2011 – I prayed for 5 certain families to get pregnant and have babies. All 5 of them did. Within two months of each other. I just looked up the meanings of their names – this is crazy.

A – fiery. C – from the heavens. E – the Lord is my God. J – fire of the Lord. E – the Lord is my God. See the similarities? I don’t believe in coincidences.

Did my praying aid in all that? I’m not saying – oh look at me – I’m magical and have a special connection with God – cus He totally answered my prayer and then blew my mind about it. But guess what – I am His child and I do have a relationship with Him – and in that – the power of Jesus. So if you give me this situation – I would argue that prayer KICKS BUTT.

Why not in ours? Why are we grieving. Again. Why have 3 out of my 4 babies been taken to heaven? With other miscarriages – I was so thankful that I never had to see a baby on a screen and see a heart beat and then say goodbye. Why did that happen this time? Why did I have to see that sweet one and see it’s heart beat only to find out that it’s not meant to be?

Ugh. So many emotions. I could type all night.

I leave you with this. Jared and I had agreed before we got pregnant this time that the next time would be the last. We couldn’t go through another miscarriage. Just couldn’t – and here we are. Going through it. I can’t do this again. I feel like – I can take a hint. It’s not working. I asked for a baby. God – please give me a baby. And I have one. He is gorgeous and amazing. When we were trying for 18 months – I was MISERABLE. I was angry and preoccupied. Babies were ALL I thought about. I buried myself in my work. I don’t want to be that person again. I have a sweet boy to love and enjoy and I don’t want to miss out on that because I’m so consumed with wanting another baby. Our doctor asked if I wanted to be referred to the fertility specialists in Danville – cus now they can say something is obviously wrong that I can’t carry a baby past 8 weeks. Even though I did. Once. So please pray for our happiness. That I would be happy in knowing that Fitzy is our only one. I want to be happy in that and enjoy this miracle we were blessed with. While we wait to see the other 3.

barden photography is THREE this month! I cannot believe that it’s been three years of doing what I absolutely LOVE! Three years of sharing our lives with you and capturing the moments in yours! Thank you SO much for all the prayers – support – love – encouragement – I could NOT have done it without your beautiful faces!

I only have about 10 open spots for weddings in 2013 – when you book your wedding THIS month – you get EITHER a free 20 x 30 canvas OR a free 30 page (12 x 12) wedding album OR 10% off your entire package.

I must have the deposit in my hand by 4.30.2012 and which special you want to take advantage of!

It’s something I have always tried to remain true to. It wasn’t always easy! Thankfully I had several influences in my life that encouraged me to be myself.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and how to reach those kids that are in that crucial stage of their lives! I remember all too well what it was like to be in that stage! It’s awkward and painful and confusing and stressful. You want all the attention in the world but you don’t want anyone to notice you. You feel stuck.

I want to document this stage – this important phase of life that we seem to wish away so quickly. As parents you wish your little guy or girl would just come back to you and this stage would pass. When you are going through it you can’t wait to grow up – to not be a kid anymore!

You are becoming who you are during these moments! I want to capture those faces – show the beauty in them!

. BECOMING WHO YOU ARE .

When you book a session for your 9 to 14 y/o during the month of February – you get $50 off your session!

(the session doesn’t have to take place in February – just the deposit down)

On a side note – I was struggling with the decision to focus on only seniors, babies & maternity, and brides with weddings with Fitzy coming. Are you kidding me? I can’t give up the rest of you! I will still be doing all sorts of photography sessions – families, babies, kiddos, maternity, pets, seniors, just because, pretty much anything! I will only be taking appointments 3 days a week this year so make sure to get your appointment on the calendar!

Thank you again to all of you that support me. pray for me. encourage me. love me.

barden photography is excited to announce a partnership with Think Pink Photography. Think Pink Photography was founded in October 2007 to support individuals and their families who have been touched by breast cancer. We are a charitable organization that serves two main purposes – celebrating life and supporting the cause.

Through our professional photographer network, we are helping breast cancer patients to celebrate life with charitable photography sessions. Individuals may choose to document their fight against the disease before or during treatment, or prefer to capture their victory by scheduling a session within 12 months after treatment is completed. Photographers world-wide are now available to donate time and talent to celebrate life and support the cause. There is no cost or obligation to the breast cancer patient. Clients participating in a Think Pink Session will receive a complimentary photo session, as well as a set of 10 small prints from the session. They will also receive a discount on any additional portraits they wish to purchase, although there is absolutely no purchase required at any time.

To support the cause, we have partnered with The Eric R. Beverly Family Foundation. All funds generated through donations and various fundraising efforts are paid directly to The Eric R. Beverly Family Foundation. As a 3-time breast cancer survivor, Danielle Beverly and her husband Eric joined together to form a foundation dedicated to promoting education, increasing awareness, and providing support and resources for families who have been touched by breast cancer.

Please subscribe to our blog (on the Think Pink website) and tell your friends and family about Think Pink Photography. Awareness is everything and we can’t be successful without you.

I encourage you to view our website, make a donation, or hire a photographer that supports Think Pink Photography!

If you hire me, mention Think Pink and I will make a personal donation to the organization. If you, or someone you know, would like to schedule a Think Pink session, please contact me for details.

I am very proud to be a network photographer with Think Pink Photography, and am anxious to get the word out about this amazing program. For more information, you can contact me, or you can visit the Think Pink Photography website at: http://www.thinkpinkphotography.org

As you may have noticed – I changed my header photo at the top of the website and the HOME page picture!

I have been using Tyler and Julie as my spokespeople since their wedding in August – I can’t thank them enough for being so beautiful and helping me book at least 12 of my other weddings in some way – whether word of mouth or their photos.

If you can’t see the new header – just refresh your browser!

And thanks to Renata and Matt – the new current faces of barden photography!