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May 18th marked 1 year of trying. My husband was totally clueless and told me that he thought we started trying in August! Either way, the day passed with no significance and we both forgot about the official 1 year marker until today. My brother-in-law got married this past weekend and everything that being in a wedding, singing for the same wedding, and making 50 cupcakes for the rehearsal dinner entails kept us pretty busy! Now I’m turning my attention towards something else to continue my pattern of distracting myself. My progesterone test came back this month as a 6.6, which is high enough to not definitely rule out ovulation, but also isn’t high enough to definitely say that I ovulated. So, to keep myself distracted from the inevitable disappointment, I’m focusing on planning our 5th anniversary, which is coming up in August! We’re going to be taking a 4 day vacation to Charleston, SC and staying on Folly Beach over Labor Day weekend, as long as my husband’s leave gets approve, and I’m sooooo excited! Nothing but sitting on the beach, eating delicious southern food, and going to Fort Sumter!

Today is cycle day 16 and I don’t have much to report. I haven’t gotten a positive ovulation test yet, but I’m holding onto hope that it will happen this month. I’m scared that my body is following a pattern. Month 1 on Clomid 100mg I ovulated and month 2 on the same dosage, I didn’t ovulate. Month 3 my doc upped it to Clomid 150mg and I ovulated but didn’t get pregnant. This is month 4 and I’m on the same dosage as last month, and I’m scared that I’m not going to ovulate. My doctor says we can keep trying with Clomid through the full 6 months, but if I don’t ovulate this month, things won’t be looking so good for us. I don’t want to work with a fertility specialist so we decided that we’ll keep trying with Clomid for the full 6 months and if nothing good happens, we’ll keep trying naturally until we can afford adoption. I try very hard to stay in the present moment and not get too caught up with the what-ifs of the future, but some days that’s hard (including today).

I’ve been having a hard time staying positive lately. I was so overly positive and optimistic last cycle that I ended up being devastated when I got the two negative pregnancy tests and my period came. I’m trying to find that happy medium between feeling completely hopeless and negative, and getting myself overly excited and optimistic. My husband and I had a talk yesterday (well, he talked, I cried) about finding this happy medium, and I realized just how negative I had become this cycle in an attempt to protect myself emotionally. My goal is to figure out how to stay positive and optimistic without getting myself so excited that I’m crushed if we don’t get pregnant this cycle. My husband is being so supportive and loving, despite my negativity and sadness, and he gave me this advice, which I plan to implement: “You’re going to be disappointed if we don’t get pregnant; it’s natural. But you take a day to cry it out, and then we move on and prepare for the next month.”

The third times the charm, right? Well, unfortunately, not this time around. 3 negative pregnancy tests later and I still haven’t gotten my period. The Mister and I think it’s because I was under a little more stress than usual in late May and early June, but it could be because of something else too.
Anyways, I’m keeping a daily chart this month and we will try on the days that it says I’m fertile. If I haven’t gotten my period by the time I’m supposed to get it this month then I’m going to call my doctor to get in for a checkup.
Onto the next!

For those of you who might think I’m a little baby crazy–you can think that; it’s absolutely true!–and am getting more excited than maybe I should be, I have to explain. I’ve been avoiding pregnancy and motherhood like its the Black Plague for the last 8 years (the past 4, specifically). I mean crying hysterically anytime my period was remotely late, frantically taking pregnancy tests with sweaty palms and fast-beating heart, and always taking my birth control religiously. I have never taken any chances.

But about 2 months ago, my husband broke down and told me that he has been ready for kids for the past 2 years but didn’t want to pressure me into parenthood. I’m so thankful that he was considerate of my needs and wants, but I also feel 1) like I neglected his needs and wants and 2) that it’s time to put some of my selfishness aside. And, surprisingly, I’m now more excited than my husband! It’s like all those years of avoidance have built up this immense excitement and expectation! But that also means I’m going to be more disappointed when things don’t go as planned, so I’m hoping I can keep a level head throughout this process. I don’t deal with disappointment well, and with only 20% chance of conceiving in any month and a 1 in 5 chance of miscarrying, I feel like I need to prepare myself for disappointment of some kind or another, and maybe if I prepare myself enough, the blow from any disappointment might not be so devastating.