Bullying in school and online can lead to reduced self-esteem and tragedy. To prevent that, Love is Louder, an organization formed after several teen suicides, promotes numerous Love is Louder events. Read on to find out from Lifescript’s Health Detective how you can prevent your child from being bullied…

Best friends Julie and Amy have an explosive argument at school. That night Julie, 13, posts mean comments on Facebook about Amy, then an embarrassing rumor. Other students add to the comments, claiming Julie’s “so right about Amy.”

At school the next day, Amy tries to join her friends at their lunch table. They tell her the table’s full, huddling together, giggling. In this typical, but fictional, scenario, devastated Amy spirals into depression and loneliness over the next few weeks.

Sound familiar? Bullying is nothing new. We all remember the skinny boy who was shoved into his locker and the social freeze-out of the nerdy girls.

But with the rise of cyberbullying, the effects of bullying are more widespread, says psychology professor Amanda Nickerson, Ph.D., director of the Jean M. Alberti Center for the Prevention of Bullying Abuse and School Violence at State University of New York’s University at Buffalo.

The Internet, smart phones and social networks provide perpetrators a nearly limitless audience, she says.

“Bullying affects millions of students and isn’t limited to school grounds [anymore],” adds Jaana Juvonen, Ph.D., professor of developmental psychology at University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) and lead author of a 2008 study on cyberbullying.

Nearly three out of four teenagers said they were bullied online at least once during the 12-month period of the study, which included 1,454 students.

The emotional effects of bullying – in school or online – are staggering, says Maxine Mintzer, Ph.D., a child psychologist in Los Angeles.

“It’s so damaging,” she says. “It eats away at children’s self-esteem and renders them helpless.”

Its physical effects can be severe too, including depression, social anxiety, headaches and stomachaches, dislike of school and poor academic grades, the UCLA study found.

Why do children bully, how does it affect victims and how can you help stop it? Lifescript’s Health Detective has the answers on this important topic.

What is bullying?
Bullying is officially defined as unwanted, repeated aggressive behavior involving an imbalance of power, according to the U.S. Department of Education (DOE). It’s meant to harm or scare victims, experts say – and it’s prevalent.

About one-third of all U.S. students experience some type of bullying, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).

It typically starts in elementary school, peaks in middle school and wanes in high school, experts say. There are three types of bullying, according to the DOE:

Verbal: The bully says or writes mean things by:

Teasing

Name-calling

Making inappropriate sexual comments

Threatening to cause harm

Social: Also called “relational,” this bullying damages someone’s reputation or relationships. The behavior includes:

Purposely leaving someone out

Encouraging others to not be friends with someone

Spreading rumors about someone

Embarrassing someone in public

Physical: Hurting someone’s body or possessions, such as:

Hitting, kicking or punching

Tripping and pushing

Taking or breaking someone’s belongings

Boys are more likely than girls to be either perpetrators or victims, Juvonen says.

With boys, bullying is often physical; girls tend to rely on social behavior, she adds.

What is cyberbullying?Even though a lot of bullying now takes place online, the results are just as painful as when it happens in person. Cyberbullying involves name-calling, sending embarrassing photos and videos, sharing private information without permission and spreading nasty rumors.

“Bullying on the Internet looks similar to what kids do face-to-face in school,” Juvonen says.

It's more often done by someone your kid probably knows. About half of the 1,454 students who experienced cyberbullying identified their schoolmates as the perpetrators; 43% said it was someone they knew only online, the UCLA researchers discovered.

Who is a bully?The stereotype of a boy bully – the beefy star of the football team, surrounded by a gang of worshipful followers – isn’t far from the truth, according to the online anti-bullying program Bully Free.

Besides being physically intimidating, this bully tends to be impulsive, has low tolerance for frustration and lacks empathy for others.

Girls who bully tend to be popular, using intimidation to keep their social status high, psychologists say.

Why do bullies act that way? In some cases, they seem to derive pleasure from others’ fear or pain, according to Bully Free. But they’re also trying to uphold their own status.

“In a word: Power,” Juvonen says.

“There’s desperation to belong,” psychologist Mintzer adds. “They have an overpowering need to be part of a group, to not be a bullying victim.”

Same goes for their followers: “They prefer to identify with the aggressor, rather than the victims, in order to feel cool themselves,” she explains.

Experts say bullies also:

Do it to impress others, because they've been bullied

Feel negatively about themselves

Lack skills to solve social problems

Perform poorly academically

Abuse substances. Among high school students, 31.7% of bullies used marijuana, according to an Ohio State University study published in the April 2012 issue of the journal Addictive Behaviors

Have less parental supervision and poor adult role models

You can also blame the modern experience of middle school for the rise of bullying, Juvonen says.

When children move from elementary to middle school, they enter a larger, unfamiliar environment that has less supervision. Instead of staying in one class for the entire school year, they switch teachers and face different classmates every period.

As a result, they need to create a structure for themselves, Juvenon says.

Who are the victims?There’s no one-size-fits-all description of a bullying victim, but they often have traits that make them seem weak by schoolyard standards or less mature than their peers: the shy, awkward middle-school boy with no facial hair, or the girl with undeveloped breasts.

Bullying victims, according to Nickerson, also:

Lack power in the social hierarchy

Cry quickly

May be overweight or skinny

Have a physical trait that’s deemed “different,” such as big ears or nose

Don’t fight back physically, or find ways of using humor to deflect the mean comments

Are often loners, and lack powerful friends to stand up for them

May have learning disabilities or are targeted for asking too many questions in class

May be intelligent kids ridiculed as eggheads or nerds

What are the signs that a child is being bullied?
It can be difficult to distinguish normal teenage crankiness from a bullying reaction. But, Nickerson says, bullying may be the culprit if your child:

Lashes out when you ask what’s wrong, saying it’s none of your business

Is glued to the computer, anxiously monitoring what peers are saying about her

Is depressed and stops socializing

Starts bullying a younger sibling

Complains frequently of headaches or stomachaches

Finds excuses to stay home from school

What can be done to stop bullying?Bullying doesn’t just go away on its own, experts say. Parents and schools must join forces to stop it.

Without intervention, the effects of bullying – which include depression, low self-esteem and, in extreme cases, suicide – will continue. About 4,600 young people kill themselves each year, according to the CDC. Bully victims are 2-9 times more likely to consider suicide than non-victims, according to studies by Yale University.

A Finnish anti-bullying program called KiVA, in which students, teachers and parents all participate, examines everyone’s role in bullying. The peer environment discourages the abuse. The program has reduced bullying by 50% compared to schools that don’t use the program.

A similar pilot program was launched in the U.S. – in Lawrence, Kansas – late this year. Meanwhile, so-called zero-tolerance programs often don’t work, Juvonen says, “unless schools have a system in place for kids to report bullying. School personnel also need to follow up on reports.”

Here’s what anti-bullying organizations and psychologists say you can do:

Talk often with your child. When kids experience the effects of bullying, tell them you’re there to help.

If they won’t confide in you, encourage them to talk to another family member or trusted adult at school. Encourage your kids to tell you if they're being bullied online.

Volunteer at your child’s elementary school periodically. You might witness bullying when it happens. You also can help your child make new friends by striking up conversations and bringing him or her into the chat.

Model respectful behavior in stores, restaurants and with friends. If someone is rude to you, show your child you can handle it without blowing your top.

Press your child’s school to institute anti-bullying programs that teach empathy, healthy leadership roles and ways for kids to stand up for a fellow student who’s being bullied. The U.S. Department of Health & Human Services offers resources at StopBullying.gov.

Encourage your child’s school to beef up patrols in restrooms and hallways, where a lot of bullying occurs.

If you discover a child has been cyberbullying someone, limit his or her computer privileges to school assignments only, Mintzer says. “We tell kids, ‘If you eat snacks before dinner, you won’t get dessert.’ If they bully a child, they don’t get to use the computer. There are consequences for bad behavior.”

But don’t take away your child’s computer and cell phone if you discover they’ve been the victim of cyberbullying. That may worsen the effects of bullying, experts say. “It’s like cutting off the arm of your child,” Nickerson says. “It’s the No. 1 reason kids don’t tell their parents about cyberbullying.”

Don’t let children keep their cell phones and computers in their bedroom at night. That way, “they can’t obsessively check messages and postings,” Nickerson says. “You don’t let kids wander the streets all night – why should you let them be barraged with e-messages all night?”

Establish rules when you give your child a new tech device, such as keeping their bedroom door open when online and using a cell phone.

Standing up for your bullied child can be tricky, because kids often are afraid it’ll make bullying or social isolation worse, experts say. But taking action is worth the risk of temporary blowback at school.

“If kids don’t speak up, there’s no record of the bullying,” Juvonen says. “There may be some short-term pain, but it will help in the long run.”

Is Your Child A Bully?Finding out your child is the victim of a bully is one thing, but it is perhaps worse when you realize your child is the bully. If you suspect your child may behave as a bully when you are not looking, take this quiz to see if you are reading the right signs. You just might have a child bully living under your very own roof!

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