Friday, March 12, 2010

Hero Worship

I’ve known my best mate since I was 6. We had bad haircuts together, suffered injuries in our first moshpit together, and went slightly stir crazy that one time we tried to do the 40 Hour Famine together. Despite shared interests and shared experiences, there has always been one issue we could never agree on. One argument that has never been settled. Life’s eternal question:

Superman or Batman?

Now, remember that there are no right or wrong answers here. Unless you picked Batman. Then you're wrong. So very, very wrong.Argument 1: Who would win in a fight between the two?The only logical answer is Superman. This conclusion has been reached on the grounds that Superman is, in fact, super. Have you ever seen Batman turn back time? No? Didn’t think so. Next question.

Argument 2: Batman has the sexier outfitCorrect. But if we’re judging comic book heroes based purely on aesthetics, let’s not rule out the Hulk. Do you know how politically incorrect it is to discriminate against someone based on the colour of their skin? Jeez, racist much? I don’t know about the rest of society, but I like him when he’s angry. I like him a lot.

Argument 4: Who the hell is Robin and what purpose does he serve?Nobody, and none. Superman never needed a sidekick, or a creepy butler. He took care of business all on his own, y’all.

Argument 5: Bruce Wayne is less irritating than Clark KentThat’s a matter of opinion, isn’t it? OK, so Clark was a little whiney, but Bruce Wayne has issues. Dark issues. Dressing as a bat, for one. That, and he’s a little bit too into gadgets. You know full well that if you ever met him in real life, he’d show you his iPhone apps.

Argument 6: The mystery of The Superman CurseThe Superman franchise comes with its own conspiracy theory, and who doesn’t love one of those? You know, besides the people who were victims of it. The theory is that if you play the role of Superman, you will die a tragic and untimely death (George Reeves, Christopher Reeve, etc.). ‘But what about Dean Cain?’ you ask, 'he didn’t die a tragic and untimely death.’ Well, no, but his career did. And if that’s not good enough for you, there’s still time.*

Argument 7: Superman has never been portrayed on the big screen by George ClooneyCase in point.Conclusion:Superman 4evaaaah!!!!!!!1 *In no way do I wish tragedy and misfortune on Dean Cain. I’ve never met the man, I’m sure he’s lovely. Really.