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Monday, November 26, 2012

It's been months since I've written and even more months since I reflected on experiences. It's actually quite funny, I'm not big on reflecting because most of the time, it's for a class or something and I know the professor doesn't actually care. But, how I reflect allows whomever wants to read my blog posts, a little insight into my mind and what exactly I think when it comes to many things.

A lot has changed and a lot really hasn't. On the inside, yes, my mentality is changing and my ability to really understand fully is changing. And most importantly, how I am reacting to God is changing and that one has been the most recent change. On the more physical level, I am on my way to dropping pounds. I am noticing but not many people are (or they are afraid to hurt my feelings). That is giving me a ton of confidence and is something I can take ownership of. No one is making me not eat as much, go to the gym a few times a week, think twice about eating a donut, no one but myself. And to be honest, it makes me feel more accountable to myself for myself.

See, I'm learning to focus on me again.

What I want to delve into a lot a bit is what God is doing in my life. All of this is pretty recent stuff, I'm talking a week or so. What that has taught me is that when a person is actually open to be changed by the Lord, He works. It's as simple as that. What I have realized with that, is that I am more open to changing when my heart and mind agree. I guess that makes sense; does anyone else experience that?

So, with all that, I God has been convicting me to do the following:

1. Read His Word like crazy. But not just read it, understand for myself and let that guide my relationship with Him. And it's really been great: I'm currently going through two studies on my iPod and I am writing notes and highlighting things that I like or question or whatever else I am feeling. It's really been putting me in a Godly way of thinking and is really helping me discern relationships around me.

2. There are some things meant to be discussed and also things that God doesn't want me to talk about. I know these things because I am still trying to understand much of what I am being taught and it doesn't make much sense to say things that I am still trying to discern. That's one that I really need to work on and, once again it's one of those things people can encourage me to do but not do for me.

3. Lastly, God is really teaching me that HE is my foundation and to trust Him. Isn't that kind of a daily thing to remember? Yeah, I think so to. And that it's okay to open up to other people but more importantly, God loves just listening. And I love talking. It's a nice relationship we have.

To conclude, I have a lot more I could say but I don't think this post is the place for that. I do ask you PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE keep me in your prayers. I'm not saying thoughts because thoughts can be molded into something not of God; prayers not so much. This isn't to say that if you were to tell me "Angie, I was thinking about your post but then you told me not to, therefore I stopped." That'd annoy me because a) you'd sound like and b) Augh. You over think things.

What I would love prayer for is using what is happening on the inside and letting it show. That's like the biggest thing I can for prayer about.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. And please comment. Message me. Call me. Please contact me. I want to share what God is doing with me and I'd love to just reflect in person. And I'd love to know what God is doing in you too. So please, do that.

Friday, September 14, 2012

For the second time in my life, I have been hit in the face with death but this time, it's a lot different: It's a real person.

My grandfather passed away on Thursday morning / Thursday evening and it really caught everyone off guard. I won't get into the not-so-gory details, but he died peacefully, which is a blessing. in my opinion. I've only cried once but, I am expecting tears at the funeral. Also, I'm talking at the funeral, I am taking my role as only female granddaughter very seriously and because I think....well, I just need so closure on the whole thing, so why not do it in public.

The one thing I keep getting from people is "Let me know if you need anything" "What can I do for you" ect. And I really do not understand this question: I don't need anything and what can you give me anyway? I mean, if you want to tell my ex he's being a buttface, that'd help me out...sorry, I'm really good at comic relief.

But seriously, I don't know what this question means. I know people are saying it be polite and I know I've said it to people who have lost a loved one but, I beg, what does this mean? All I request is prayer for strength and maybe some hugs (no kisses please).

On a lighter one, I'm sorry I haven't updated. I have lots to update on but for right now, I want to let all of you know that I know my worth is in God and that because of a lot of personal things, I put my worth in people that will let me down. Thanks to a lot of terrible sucky things recently along with amazing friends and Jesus, I know that I am loved and that I deserve a lot better than someone who sees me as a pawn in their game.

Monday, July 30, 2012

So, you know that moment you should have listened to God but instead you don't and everything goes to the shits? Mhm, that happened this weekend.

I am not going to get tell my entire store here but I will say that I learned a whole lot and I learned that this whole detox thing is going to start all over again. It's kind of of like when you quit smoking, at least for me: You stop and you feel really great after feeling like crap for a long time and then temptation comes and you say "I'll only do it once, I'll be fine." and then you smoke all weekend and you feel like crap afterwards. Yea, that's basically how I feel.

I learned that I am still not ready for a relationship and that my natural "sex drive" is still ever so present. I use it for bad reasons this weekend to get what I wanted and that's what I'm really kicking myself for now. I ended up hurting myself a whole lot and I hurt the guy because his feelings are confusing towards me which I don't even understand, I'm not convinced he even understands. I also can't date because I like the freedom I have and I like the independence I have with a lot of stuff. I'm not in a position to be give my heart up and I really don't think it's a good idea.

I learned that my heart is bigger than my head. I care about this guy a whole lot and for some reason I only learned this AFTER messing everything up. I don't care about him enough to put effort into being a girlfriend (even though we've both clearly stated we don't want that) but I want this friendship. I showed in it in a dumb way and my mind was focused on one thing. The guy cares for me too, that changed really quickly this weekend and that confuses me even more and kind of says something about me: If I'm not getting what I want, I'm not happy even if the thing I don't want is the better decision AND I know that.

I learned that I can do better and be better. Why did it take me until yesterday to realize that EVERY TIME I am alone with this guy, I end up crying? I realized it on Friday but....it's confusing and I think I will talk about that in another post. I told the guy that he can do better than me and I think he understands, I don't know. I think I've learned that trusting this guy is either gonna be hard or not going to happen.

If you know who I am talking about, good for you. I'm sure if you are reading this and you tell the guy what I said, I honestly don't care. Everything I just wrote, he already knows and has been expressed.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

So, we all know that I'm a social work major but it's a little confusing as to what exactly what I want to do .

I don't even know what I want to do.

Seeing The Dark Knight Rises last night got me thinking about how neat it would be to be a detective. I've secretly always been interested in it because of Psych, The First 48, and this CSI game I am playing on Facebook. Now, I do understand that there is HUGE difference between scripted movies and shows and real life, I don't want you aka the readers of this blog, to think that I don't get that BUT I still think being a detective would be pretty cool.

I'm really into logic. That doesn't make sense but I like to think about why things happen and I like to investigate things. I know my explanation doesn't make a lot of sense but, I dunno it is something I secretly (now not so secretly) really enjoy.

The problem with all of this is that I don't know a dang thing about criminal justice and I don't like change and the idea of not being a social work major is strange. And then I'm nervous that I'd change my major and it'd be on a whim and it'd be a bad idea and so many other thoughts. . . .

I just don't know what I want to do. It's irritating that I have to pick my life right now and it feels like it's frowned upon to change my major so far into my major (even though I'm really not). Also, I do wanna work with kids but I don't wanna be a teacher and it's just so irritating.

To conclude, I have no idea what I want but I'd love some prayer and guidance and a blizzard.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

I'm pretty much preparing to hear "I told you would enjoy yourself, Angie!". Well screw you too ;)

I'm talking about how everyone knew that I would actually really enjoy myself at the Joni and Friends Family Retreat but I think I enjoyed myself for a lot of other reasons outside of serving people and that's what I would like to talk about in this blog post.

My experience with JAF was unique. I mean, duh, everyone went for unique reasons and things that happened to everyone person was unique but, I must say, my experience was very Angie-like if that makes any sense.

I can't really get into much detail about the beginning of the week because of the legality of things but basically, God had a plan for me to get hurt and get some battle bruises which, to me, kind of proved that I am fighter and that I would much rather get some bruises than someone get seriously injured. I really think that surprised everyone, like, I was upset that I was hurt but I wanted to go back into the war zone if I had some control over the situation. Honestly, just so everyone is on the same page, I am not upset that I got hurt and I am not upset at the person that hurt me, I was upset that I didn't know more going into the situation. I'm also upset at the lack of communication but, that's whatever, it's over now.

^And that was Wednesday.

Thursday comes about and damage control needed to happen and again God worked in all the leaders and I was assigned to work with Deb, a older woman who was the assistant craft leader who has a disease that has made her retina weaker (something about degenerating). My job for the week was to assist Deb aka Minion (I was dubbed Mintoo) in little kid crafts and in telling her what was on the food line because she is not able to see the different types of food but knows what she likes. Working with Deb was better than I could have imagined. We're both fiesty, sassy, but we also have our sensitive sides. A lot of people asked if we were related but I promise, we are not related :)

Not being an STM to an actual camper was actually super neat because I got more freedom in a way and I got to get to know a lot more of the campers. Then again, I don't have any "close" relationship with any of the campers but I did get really close with three STM's that were all sisters.

Moving away from what things were happening on the outside, lots of stuff were going on inside of me and that's the most important thing I can stress: I went there one person and I came back another person.

For the first couple days I feel this detached feeling and it was actually really irritating but I covered it up with being aggressive and pretty rude to people. I can't exactly put my finger on it but a lot of it was fear and not wanting to change how I did things and I didn't want to just focus on the happy aspect (I still don't). I understand that it's a place meant to be happy but that doesn't mean that the negative things shouldn't be addressed also like with other STM's (which I will admit happened. But not against anyone in particular, just needing to talk).

So, on Thursday morning during butt-o-clock devotion, I admitted to my group that I've been feeling this hardness in my heart and that I would really like some prayer. I also vowed to myself that that day I wasn't going to complain about anything and just enjoy it (you'll be happy to hear that I only complained once that day) and God did SO MUCH to me in that day. Like, it was freaking amazing. I let myself feel and experience. I interacted with more people and I am so thankful I did.

To conclude, I haven't completely conquered my fear of disabled people but JAF really put it in perspective. I would like to personally thank everyone that donated money to me: Momma Stauffer, my dad, Tori Banks, Lauren Rumford, Wendi Voorheis, Chris Klimola, Darcy Pugsely Gene and Myra Dennis, Random guy at B-24's and most importantly Cross and Resurrection Lutheran Church for matching my funds.

And I would also like to thank everyone that I met at the family retreat. All of you helped me so much last week and I enjoyed getting to know you. I will always remember all of you and I am excited to stay in contact with you all :)

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Right now, I'm super bored thus, blogging seems like the next best thing to be doing.

I guess what I can talk about is how musical I'm getting again.

I use to be in band, literally did it for 12 years of my life. I am a percussionist through and through but I dabbled in playing my friends' trumpet, violin, horn, and I think every band instrument. I really miss band. It really made me the person I am today ( I say that about a lot of stuff) but really, it did.

What I use to do is make up random songs on the piano and it was a way for me to release emotions. It was never super great but there was one time I came up with a really good little melody but I have now forgotten it.

So, I kind of just stopped playing piano. College started and I didn't have time. Dating kind of made it hard to do anything, which was my fault not Patrick's. I never really thought about getting involved with playing until maybe a week ago. Patrick being Patrick, knowing me far too well, encouraged me to get a hobby so that I could start doing things for me when we broke up. Not in an asshole way but in a caring way. The whole thing kind of got set out of my mind with trying to focus on moving on, God, and just getting my life back on the correct plate. But, this whole week I was feeling this desire to play the piano and sing.

So, I have been. I've actually been singing more than playing piano but I remembered that I still kind of suck at playing properly. I always play the same dang thing. As for singing, I've become accustomed to taking my dog for a walk, blasting my iPod and screaming lyrics. If you live in my neighborhood, sorry I sing so loud. . . but really, it's been a great way to just sing again.

I think that's it.....I may update later on tonight, depending on what's going on.

Friday, June 22, 2012

I just signed up to volunteer at a Family Retreat for a group called Joni and Friends. I was approached about it about two weeks ago but did not really do anything about it. I was nervous to ask my dad about it because a) I don't like approaching my dad about things that I want to do and b) His birthday is the day before I am heading out to do this. I have never missed my dad's birthday and honestly, I feel a little bad that I won't be there. I brought it up and we talked about it and he gave me the go ahead.

I am finally getting the vacation that I've been craving.

A little background to Joni is Friends is that it's a retreat for kids and their families to come and interact with other kids and families with disabilities. The one I am volunteering at is July 4th - July 8th in Tustin, MI. I don't exactly know what I will be doing but I said that I have experiences in music, drama, and something else but I have now forgotten. According to the woman that I going with, I will also be assigned a family. I'm really looking forward to that part of it because with me being interested in being a family therapist.

The thing I am most worried about is that this family retreat cost around $400 to do and I cannot afford it. I am going to talk to my pastor about maybe getting the church to sponsor me since it's a short-term ministry.

With this, I am also going to be a coach for Upward Basketball for the 3rd year now. I really love doing Upward. It's always super stressful for me because of waking up, working on the lesson, and then of course seeming like I understand basketball. But, it's a wonderful week of Jesus and kids.

So, ya, that's what my summer will be looking like. Oh, and working both jobs and making enough money for books and maybe a moped (?). My dad and I talked about it a little bit last night and I really like the idea. I just have to figure out what is more important: books or moped. That's something to be praying about.

Well , I am in still in my pjs and I should get dressed. Y'all stay great and I will be sure to keep updating :)

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

I haven't updated in a while and I'm sorry about that. I was trying to write a blog post a couple of days ago but it really did not come out right.

I've been pretty alright. This will be my first week officially away from therapy. I should prolly call them and say I won't be coming back for the summer. It's not that I don't like therapy, now it just feels like a chore and I really think I'm "okay". I started going because of the break up but now....I dunno, more things are filling that hole now, which is good but is also very stressful.

I've decided that I know I'm back to my old self for two reasons:
1. I'm being really awkward and funny again. Not to say I wasn't with Patrick, but it just feels better.
2. Holy moly am I obsessed with the male parts of the world.

I want to get into the second one a little bit. I know in my previous post I talked about how being single is great and you learn about yourself, well, I still stand by that 100%. Being single is nice because I am developing myself and doing things for me. But, this doesn't make the desire to be a girlfriend go away. Or just the desire to be liked. I love that feeling.

What I don't like is the pre-dating feelings: it's just so......irritating. I don't want to work for it, I just want it to happen. Sadly, it doesn't work like that, I have to work at it a little bit. But, how much is too much? Oh balance, you and I are going to learn to be best friends.

I've played with the idea of just doing some emotion less stuff but I've tried that, it didn't work. I've tried flirting with not attractive guys but they just friend zone me pretty quick. My mind is just in ultra flirty, I need the sanctification of a guy mode. Which isn't true....I know this. Co dependence has done terrible things to me.

And it's not all the physical either: Yesterday I had a break down because of stressful working things and I for a moment had no idea who I should call (this would be my first non-Patrick break down I have had). But, I took it upon myself to call some lady friends of mine which was helpful. So, I'm learning to depend on my lady friends. But, I just want to open up to someone who doesn't know me. And just unload everything. I know I can't do that, that'd just be....holy moly.

If you're wondering, I'm crushing but it's confusing. I won't get into it but just know...I could use some prayer for that.

Outside of the boy stuff, things are looking up in terms of employment. My primary job is opening up a new place which means more hours but is a little stressful with school and my other job. My other job wasn't giving me correct hours and that was irritating but I think we worked everything out. And lastly, I thought I had a position all lined up for the fall at EMU but it turns out, the woman was a bitch and didn't want to hire me. That's what my break down was about yesterday.

So, we have now learned that Angie pre-Patrick is coming back: obsessed with boys, stressed, but is still able to be funny. Kind of fits me right? But, with that, I'm learning new ways to deal with all of it by having wonderful friends and a grace giving God.

Thank you to all that ready (even those to don't want to admit it). You are great people.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Whenever I am in a relationship, I always think about how being single must suck; you don't have anyone to be physical with, you have to go out of your way to find that special someone, and you really aren't able to be complete.

All of those, I have learned, are so very much false.

What I am learning about being single is that I have a lot that I have to work on and I'm not only talking about my dark side related things, I mean focusing on my career, furthing God's kingdom, and finding my nitch in the world. I understand all of that can be done in a relationship, but honestly, it's a terrible thing to bring to a relationship.

I am not saying that when two people are dating, they have their entire lives figured out and nothing goes wrong, because they is incorrect: When two people are together and are hoping God wants them to get married, they understand that they will have to sacrifice because of love and that the couple will grow. But, both people separate of each other, if the relationship is healthy, have a life outside of each other; that is something that I am working on.

There are normal things that I miss about being with someone: I really like being someones girlfriend. It's a huge confidence booster for me, so of course, when I lose that confidence that I depended on for so long, it really throws me for a loop. But wanna know what I'm learning? I have to be dependent on God and do things that give me confidence. It was hard right after the break up and it's still a bit tough to talk about what I like to do, but I'm working on it. I am thinking of things I can do to further my relationship with Jesus and wanting to do more within my church. I am doing all of these things for me. I am also learning that I really am pretty cute, not in a "normal" way but in an Angie way. My smile is really pretty, my eyes change colors sometimes, and my hair is a pretty nice color. As for my body, I'm learning. It's a slow process but I am learning to love myself.

Another huge thing is the physical. I am a very physically aware person and I love holding hands, hugging, kissing, the whole shot. Not having that right there anytime I want is hard, yes. I will admit that. But, it's teaching me a lot about relationships: Do I want to make this relationship based on the fact that I haven't kissed in a month or on a friendship. I've never had that before: I've never had a super great friendship before dating a guy. And that is a goal that I have for myself but not to become super obsessed with it. I think I should also point out that I haven't gone "cold turkey" per-say: I have great friends that love giving and receiving hugs and hugs are super great.

Lastly, I am complete is Jesus. I don't want to find self worth in a guy and I shouldn't have to. Another goal I have is to not be ashamed of myself. I know that things I've done and I know the things I do and if a guy who desires to be with me can't see past my faults, I'm not going to waste my time.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Here's a fun fact: I absolutely love musicals. I think it comes from loving The Lion King (yes, it's a musical.). But, second to that, I'd have to say that RENT is my favorite.

With that, I'm listening to Take Me or Leave Me, which got me thinking about how I am and kind of a renewed confidence that being outspoken and "demanding" independence is okay. Demanding sounds really bad.....I guess a better way of saying it would be to say proclaiming independence. Now, I've never been like Maureen where I've had both sexes calling for my attention but I do have a lot of experience in people wanting to accept small parts of me but not the whole package.

Ever since I was young, I've known I was the black sheep in my family. I just did things differently. I was a tom boy, had darker hair than my cousins, I had a 'boy-ish" figure, was more outspoken, and just a lot of stuff. For the longest, I would force myself to be "normal" around my family and then feel really uncomfortable. Overall, it was something I put myself through to fit in and to make my family of all people love me for someone I wasn't.

Now, I am being myself around my family but in a comfortable controlled way and it feels great. I'm learning that just because I am not like my cousins, I am still loved and accepted. I'm also learning that everyone, family or not, have their nitches. Mine is Jesus, as it relates to my family. I'm the "religious" one, which is scary but I have trust in God to help me with that.

To tie this with the song, if you want to love me, I demand you take me for all that I am or leave. That sounds really tough but, that's how it is. I don't mean love in a romantic way but in a friend way, a family way, ect. I'm an all or nothing person. I give my all and I don't like rejection.

I understand that one cannot avoid rejection and that rejection makes a person stronger. I'm living that. I have lived that before. I also understand that not everyone is going to love me but what says I don't have to at least try. You can't be accepted if you never try to be.

To conclude, I have some wise words for you, the reader:

1. Never ever let someone hold you back from being yourself, just hold yourself back in the appropriate times.

2. To the people that are like me in the "Take Me or Leave Me" mentality: Stick with that but don't be afraid to let people in. Trust is huge aspect of this but like I said you can't be accepted if you try to be.

With that, I encourage you to watch RENT (It's a fabulous musical). Look at how you are around people in every aspect of your life. And lastly, don't be afraid of who you are because if you give a damn, take me baby or leave me.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

I don't say this enough, but I really have the best friends in the entire world and today I was reminded of it.

About 4 years ago, I met this wonderful group of people that I like to call "Ypsi Kids" and the original four have impacted my life in so many ways, it's almost a miracle that I had forgotten about them and I feel a little bit bad. That's not why I'm writing this blog post, as a way to apologize for forgetting about them, but rather as a reminder to them, from me, as to how much they mean to me.

I met Cahill, Brandon, and Nate through Mission Christ (I talked about my experience with Mission Christ a couple of weeks ago on this blog, so feel free to go check that out). I won't lie, I followed them around for a good amount of time because they were the only people I really knew because of the amount of time we all spent being taken to and from Mission every Friday. I was also the only girl in this group and that made me feel a little funny but for some reason, it just worked out. I guess I should also add that I was dating Brandon at this time but I won't go into that.

I'm not entirely sure when Lydia got thrown into this mix. I know that we all met her at another youth group that we all attested and she was so cute and shy. She and I hit it off really well and the guys seemed to take a liking to her too (no surprise there, though). I also remember being really happy that there was now another girl in this group of guys and Angie.

Through the years, all 5 of us have liked each other, hated each other, learned from each other, taught each other, and have become family and for that, I am so ever grateful. If it wasn't for these people I would have been a different person now. I know I would have been more whiny, less confident, had less experiences, and just plain a boring person. .

I am now going to take the time to say something about all of these wonderful people:

Brandon: Brandon, you dealt with a lot of my crap and that includes even before we were "Ypsi Kids". I have knowingly known you the longest out of all of you. You taught me so much and I don't actually know if you know that. You have evolved from this shy guy who had really strange deep thoughts into a musician that is going to make it big and it's amazing to see that. I am so grateful for the advice you would give me as it pertained to so much in my life; your resounding advice was always the words I wanted because I trusted your judgement. You and I have never really been close since after we dated but, I still care about you as my friend and my brother in Christ. God has done so many wonderful things in your life and I am so excited to see where you will go next.

Cahill: I don't even really know where to start. You and I have experienced a lot and some of our friendship was parallel. I miss going to you with my life problems and getting a big teddy bear like hug when things weren't going great. I miss going to your place and watching movies and sharing the communion 2 liter of diet whatever it is your mom picked up for you. You are so wonderful, even now. I haven't had a sit down and deep talk session with you in quite a while because of some mistakes I made but you are still someone that holds a strong part in my life. I hope someday we can hang out and talk and catch up, because I miss my big brother a lot.

Nate: Nate, you are so....profound. I've known this for maybe 2 or so years now and I am so excited that people at church are beginning to see this. I am also so jealous of how you are able to not be apart of drama and that you are able to recognize it but not take part in it. I will never forget three things that you said to me 1. "You have to date as if you want to marry that person." 2. "I am so glad you are dating Marco, now you can stop liking me" and 3. "STOP WEARING SHORT SHORTS". Thank you for endless advice and just plain dealing with all my crap. You and I have never been close but I do remember that one deep talk we had about things and it was wonderful to be trusted with that. I am excited to see where God leads you with this gift of wisdom you possess and I am excited to see how far you will go with your gift of music. I love you as a brother and I pray we will continue to be friends forever.

Lydia: Thank you for everything. You are such a strong women, it's actually a little scary. I don't think I've ever seen you cry. I am so glad that God put you in the group because of your open heart, your nurturing spirit, and your knowledge. You know me so well and even though it's frustrating, I'm happy that you know me so well. I'm glad to say you were my friend both in school and out of school. I don't know if you agree, but you were my best friend for a while, I don't know if you feel the same but it's true. I still trust you with my life and I still trust your judgement. I love you like a sister.

Someday, I would love to hang out with the Ypsi crowd again but am I sure that will happen? I don't know. After that huge fallout, we all had to take the time to rebuild. We have also added new people because of dating and new friendships and such but I will also be proud to be a "Ypsi Kid".

I love you all so much. You all taught me to grow and be myself. I personally thank you for putting up with everything and teaching me about life. I love you all as my brothers and sister and I hope someday we will be able to hang out and it to be like the old times.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

I feel kind of bad that I haven't updated since Sunday, mostly because a lot of things have happened since Sunday.

The biggest change is that I have been not talking to Patrick since my breakdown. I didn't tell him for about 3 days that I was ignoring him but, after talking with people, I decided to tell him that I can't bring myself to talk to him because it really isn't something I can handle. He was respectful of that but is a little confused about BYAL and such, and honestly, that is the least of my worries for right now. BYAL has been at a standstill since before we broke up, so this not talking thing won't really make anything better or worse. He also doesn't understand how it's okay for me to not talk to him but it wasn't okay for him. My response that is that I am not doing extreme measures but right now, this blog post is more about me and less about him.

Thursday and Friday night were really tough. I broke down on Thursday night to a friend because of how intense it was getting for me. Also, this is just very hard for me to handle. Not being able to have an actual conversation for a guy that I trusted for at least two years of my life. And basically, telling myself that I can't talk to him is a rule and I don't like rules and I want to break it but, I understand that I have to do this for me. I have to become an independent person of Patrick. And I want to explain this to him but, again, here I go talking about him.

I will not promise that I won't talk about Patrick is all my blog posts; but I will say that this whole thing is a big part of my life and I wish it wasn't. I want to just shut up about all of this and just move on but everyone keeps saying it's normal to feel like this.

It's really making me a crazy person. Everyday it's up and down. And I know I just have to keep talking about it. And I know I have to stick to my guns if I want to get better and heal.

Something that has been helping me a little bit is this forum on enotalone.com and there is thread that allows people to write to someone they dated or whatever. And it has helped twice. Thanks Oriana for that!

I guess to conclude this, moving on is super hard and I know I'm hard headed (I've known this for years thanks to my friends) but, I have to do something about it. And, with a clear head, I know that I can't give into temptation. And I know that none of this is God's fault. And I know that it isn't mine or Patrick's fault. It's just something that has to be dealt with. And I know that I know I have to do three things:

1. Not talk to Patrick until I am ready. 100% ready. And that may be a while and I have to follow through with this. I can't heal if I keep opening scares.

2. Talk to people. I have a habit of shutting down and I can't do that, I have friends that want to hear me and I have to believe that. And more importantly, I have a God that wants to listen all the time.

3. Do not start another relationship. Dear Lord, don't do it.

Forreal, this time, I leave you with a verse the Lord gave me last night:

1 John 4:6

"We are of God. He who knows God hears us; he who is not of God does not hear us. By this we know the spirit of truth and the spirit of error."

Sunday, April 29, 2012

I....I don't know how to say it but I miss the little things with Patrick. He just referred to his now girlfriend as "My Lady".

THAT IS MY NAME.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?

I understand he can do whatever he wants in his relationship but...that shit bugs me. I miss him like crazy. I am suppressing caring about him. He still cares and loves me as a person. Well, I want him to stop that. Just stop that. Stop caring about me. I don't want someone who won't love me to care about me. He knows I have a problem with being cared about.

He. Knows.

I hate this. I don't want to date him again. But I want to touch him. Is that possible? No. Not while he's dating Alyy. I don't know if it's true, but honestly, this is just a rebound. He wasn't happy with me but he won't learn to live without anyone because he needs to feel secure in that relationship.

At least I'm trying to learn. I want to care without caring. He doesn't understand that. He cares about me because that is what he does. But...I don't want him to care because I am independent and I don't need him to give me his approval.

I just want to scream in his face. But, I can't do that. I already said everything I've wanted to say tonight. We had a long conversation tonight. And it ended with both of not knowing and hating the situation we are in. I have no idea what his thoughts are, but mine are is that I don't want to grieve and that he brings out the grieving in me, I guess.

I think that's it. I feel like I should apologize but imma wait for him to talk to me.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

I don't even want to talk about how I'm feeling right now. But, I know that it's good and I know that is why this blog is here: As a way for me to figure my life out in my corner of the internet.

I said in my last post that Patrick and I are talking ,which we are, but I feel there are boundaries to this talking. Maybe I made them up or maybe they imaginary social cues.

Basically, I am avoiding Patrick. Not because I'm really pissed at him or anything but because I know that if I talk to him about everything, every time I feel this, because then I will never get over it. And I'm making it hard on me because we're friends on Facebook, chattable on Gmail, and I have his phone number. We've been talking daily since Saturday and it's been pretty okay. But, I know that if I continue this way, I'll fall for that controlling feeling all over again. And then there's the comfort. I feel so comfortable talking to him and just knowing he's there.

But, again, that's being too dependent on Patrick and not on God.

I'm not sure if this God tempting me or Satan. I think it's God. I asked God to tempt my flesh and I know He's doing this. I know that if I give in, I'll fail this test. I don't take failure too kindly, just as a warning.

I have another theory: God was protecting me a lot when all of this started happening .The breakup. Not talking. But now, He's letting me go, get comfortable and testing me. Or maybe God isn't happy with me. I'm not sure how God feels about me right now. . . I know He loves me but what is He thinking? I have not a clue.

I'm also learning that Patrick was right about a lot of stuff. Not in a Patrick isn't actually right-right kind of way but in a Patrick knows what is the best for me; and that is to talk to people about how I'm feeling. It's helping a lot. I'm talking to 2 people about what I'm experiencing and it's making me think clearly.

He's offline now. I survived! it has to get better from here. Thank you to Oriana and Elise :)

So, I've kind of been wanting to be apart of Silver Ring Thing on and off for about a year. They rejected me last year which is fine, they had enough girls. And I kind of ignored it until maybe 3 months ago when I emailed someone asking about my application; I didn't get any sort of response.

Today, I decided to call and ask again about my application. I talked to someone, Missy, and she said she would look at my application again and give me a call back.

After waiting 20 mins, I didn't get a call back but instead an email saying that I don't have enough experience in speaking, acting, multi-media, and organizational skills.

I do not understand how they know about my organizational skills.

Basically, I'm a little upset that she couldn't call me back and that we couldn't talk. That's just something that really irritates me: Being told someone will call but doesn't. Like, I don't know, the best analogy I can think of is being told by a boyfriend they are going to call you but then they break up with you over email. That's kind of feel just with a lot more disrespect. If you're going to reject me, let's at least talk about it. I think that's just how I am. I don't like rejection, it's a big thing in my life because of a lot of things and I think it has to do with me not thinking it's actually happening, if that makes any sense.

On the other hand, God has now said 3 times He doesn't feel me doing SRT is in the works for me. And we all know that when God says something three times, He really means it. Part of me thinks that it may be because I know I wouldn't be the best person for other teens to look up to and I don't really have a "success" story anymore; I did, but I'm in the middle of a success story.

God has a plan for me. I just know it. I'm so confident in that. And you know, if that is what gets me through this summer, then that's going to be awesome.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

I don't know why it is but simple minded people really frustrate me. I have a couple of ideas like simple minded people are immature, aren't able to have a meaningful conversation, and they act like children.

The reason why this is something that is bothering me is because I am kind of apart of this group in college where the leaders are childish. And ya, that's really the best way I can describe both the leaders. Now, I know I'll get backlash for calling people out on the internet and not talking to them to their face and everything else, but I'm doing this this way because I want to know how I should handle this.

This bothers me because they are leaders. I really cannot look up to these people because of how similar they are to me (if that makes any sense) and I don't like feeling I have to be the adult for the group. And also, I think that it just distracting for the other people in the group.

Another example of this is my friends' mom and dad. Again, just childish, not able to have a meaningful conversation, and the like; and it's really hard for me to respect them. On the other hand, I haven't interacted with them in quite a while.

And I'm trying to figure out where it comes from geographically but I really don't think that's fair. Then I think about ADD/ADHD but again, that doesn't seem very good either.

I think this is one of those situations where God doesn't want me to understand. And as Patrick just told me "I think you're judging more than loving" which makes sense.

Speaking of Patrick, ya, we are talking. And it's going okay. We've had two deepish talks and now we're just talking a little bit about random things. I'm attempting to not go to him for everything which has been a little hard but it's been working.

Do I want him back? No. I really don't. I can't handle it and that's not a place I want to be. But I miss the physical and that is what my blog a couple of weeks ago is about. I won't get into that right now but, ya, we're working on being friends, which is really good.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

I don't know if we are still not talking but I do know that the urgency to talk to him is there on my end, I have no idea about him. I keep thinking it's because I'm stressed about exams and he is really the only one I would go to when I was stressed, and so now, I'm just like "I'm super stressed....who cares enough to talk to me about it." BUT I have to pull my pants up and just talk to people. . . and that is what I'm finding hard because of how comfortable I am talking to Patrick about things. And because I feel like I did when Patrick would make me talk to other people about my life: Scared, nervous, afraid, self conscious, and a lot of other stuff. That's one thing I would like prayer for.

For now, I'm going to continue to not talk to him. I've considered talking to him on Sunday if it permits and I've been praying about it too and I've been feeling this sense of peace about that, so hopefully I remember to.

Also, with these thoughts, those stupid desires come back. Another reason to not talk to him .
Oh, and Glee is NOT helping those desires.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Driving home tonight, I got thinking about having to grow up and how I'm so thankful for how it happened because of an awesome group I like to call Family (aka Mission Christ).

By going to Mission Christ, I put myself in a position where I was one of the youngest attending, a girl, and not going at all for the right reasons. I went for my friend and then a boy. Not until maybe 3 or so months in, did I start going for Jesus . . . and the boy.

Because of Mission Christ, I learned my building blocks of following Jesus from whether or not I could hear ghosts (thanks Beth) to visibly seeing more than enough people under spiritual warfare and being thrown into the situation to help "diffuse" it. (thanks everyone). The most important thing that I learned in my first of going to Mission, was the importance of worship and how worship frees a persons spirit from the flesh. With that, worship is still something that I rely heavily on for getting comfy with talking to God before all the deep stuff starts.

But, there is so much more to Mission Christ than the Jesus aspect; we've played games, stayed up late talking and giving massages on retreats, putting holes in walls that didn't necessarily need holes, milk gallon challenges (GO CAHILL) and so many other things that happened before my time as an Mission Christ-er. And that is what made Mission so wonderful for me, I didn't feel thrown into the whole church thing but I felt accepted for my lack of knowledge and urgency to learn.

Now, 4 years later, a lot of things have changed: I'm too old for Mission. I actually have to search out something new. I have to search for a new Mission. And that has been challenging because I compare opportunities to Mission. Is this good? I don't know. I know what I like and I know that my "likes" and "dislikes" come from my experiences with Mission but, learning to move on and seek out something different is a struggle. What about my Mission friends? Ya, they're still there. With my 'generation' of Mission, we're all in college now and working and doing other things but ya, we see each other ever so often.

But, when God closes a door, it's best to accept it. And we all have for the most part. Sometimes, when a select few of my generation Mission friends get together, we travel down memory lane but that does nothing but makes us yearn for the past, a past we will honestly never get back.

So, here's to you Mission Christ. Thank you for making and molding me into the woman I am tonight, sitting here at my computer at almost 11pm as a Freshman in college. Thank you for the memories and thank you for making my standards for a youth group so high. Thank you for not being a cliche youth group, but rather, a family to me and so many others.

I should stop writing before I break down in tears.
But I will say this, if you are a high schooler that is reading this and this Mission thing sounds really interesting, let me know, I can hook you up.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

I'm in a really strange spot right now and I'm not totally sure how to describe it but I will try my best to:

I have been very up and down as it relates to how I feel about guys. One second I'm thinking "That guy is really cute!" and I'll flirt with him (that's what happened with a guy last night), the next hour I get really deep and think "I don't need a guy right now and I shouldn't be falling for old tricks that I play on myself, but then the next day, I just feel this desire to be with a guy, not even in a relationship but just to feel like a guy likes me.

Currently, I want to go on a date and feel pretty and get to know a guy. I don't want a relationship but I want everything else, but not completely; because I like labels and I've already done a no-label relationship thing and it really does not do good things on me. And I really don't know what to call this feeling. Normally, I would call myself a slut and then I would act on this slutty-ness but I know that is the opposite of what I should be doing....

...but this desire is so strong. But what would acting out on it get me? A couple hours of fake bliss? It's just so irritating. My lips want to be touched, my hands want to be held, and my waist wants to have an arm around it.

I know everyone's first response to would be to pray and I have been. And last night it helped a little bit. The second response would be to say 'This is still your grieving period.' and I think the last response would be 'Just go out and have fun and see what happens.'
^ This is why I can't make my own decisions, everyone.

On top of all of this, I straight up miss cuddling. Just thought I'd point that one out.

So, that's kind of where I am at now with my life. I've seen a couple of really cute guys. I actually hugged this really cute guy at work last night and that was really neat. That's kind of what started everything with these thoughts; I guess I'll have to go back to no contact at all with the opposite sex....

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

I just got back from a driving prayer time with God and I must say, it was the first time I actually heard-felt God in a super long time. It was one of those "You had to be there" Holy Spirit moments that I can't describe to you. . . Not even with the Hebrew that I am learning.

This whole thing started because I was hanging out at work and I started seeing things via my ex about him getting a new job and his current girlfriend writing on his wall. And this feeling of....desire to be apart of that life came over me for about 10 minutes; jealously overcame my system. I proceeded to tell my co-workers that Patrick has a job, in which one of them replied "Why do you still talk about that guy stiff?" which brought up a very valid point. . .

So, I leave work and I begin to pray and ask God. I honestly don't remember exactly what I said but the Lord gave me this feeling to listen to Casting Crowns, in particular What If His People Prayed and it got me thinking about a lot of things about prayer (duh.) and I really think it was God thanking me for coming to Him praying. I know that sounds selfish . . but I really think that is what God was saying.

The second song to come on was If We Are the Body. Now, if you are following Because You Are Loved, you should know that this is our theme song. But tonight, this song really struck a chord because it got me thinking about how EVERYONE who is born is able to be in the Kingdom of God because

Jesus paid much too high a priceFor us to pick and choose who should comeAnd we are the body of Christ.

That's all I wanted to say, anything else I would be talking out of my butt....but maybe take this as a reminder to pray and see what God wants to say to you.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Can you lie next to her and give her your heart, your heart?As well as your bodyAnd can you lie next to her and confess your love, your love?As well as your follyAnd can you kneel before this king and say "I’m clean", "I’m Clean"?

But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?Oh, tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?

Her white blank page and a swelling rage, rageYou did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brinkYou desired my attention, but denied my affections, my affections

So tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?Oh, tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?

Ahhhh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahhh ahhhhhh [x4]

Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole lifeoh lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life

Ahhhh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahhh ahhhhhh [x4]

This is how I've been feeling concerning Patrick but not 100%, I'd say like 25%.

I want to just scream this song in his face but that'd be counter productive.

Monday, April 2, 2012

First off, holy moly! Thank you to all of you who read my first blog, I really was not expecting that, so, thank you :) Knowing people read what I write gives me confidence to write more and more.
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Remember how I learned about balance in the last post? I am also learning about intentions. I think I learn better with one word concepts because it sticks better in my head (because you see, my mind is jumbled with so many important things).

The best example of this comes to me going to a club and dancing like a fool.
I really want to go to a club and be reckless. But a controlled reckless.
I want to be able to have a good time without being date raped.

My thought process is this: Okay, so going to a club is something people my age do but it's bad. Why is it bad? I have no idea, self. Okay, well, what does God think about going to the club? I have no idea. *Then insert my just getting angry and confused*

I talked it over with a fried of mine and he said to me this:
"Going to the club is okay if you have the right intentions (HEY LOOK IT'S AN IMPORTANT WORD). If you go intending to get drunk and have sex with a random guy, then maybe you should just say stay home. But, if you go with the intention to have fun with friends and maybe dance with a guy, then it's okay."

With this new nugget of knowledge, I talked it over with my pastor. With him I brought up the type of clothing that is worn to the club, in which we talked aboutmodesty and again intentions. I forgot exactly everything he said in essence he said that if I were to go dressing immodest and having bad intentions, I'm just asking for it. But, keeping in mind that guys react to certain types of dress is important and I have to respect that by having the right intentions in what I wear.

Thus, my decision is that I do plan to go to the club with friends of the lady variety and dance like a fool. But have intentions in how I act and what I wear. <---I'm sure I'm forgetting something things on that list.

This new concept of intentions, I do pray, will be something I use for many other things in my life such as traveling, getting married (I will talk about this later), where to live, and a lot of other life choices that I know will be coming up.

Thanks for taking the time to read my life.
-Angie <3

If you're wondering, yes, the outfit I bought for the club is super cute and the girls at Plato's Closet approved :)

Saturday, March 31, 2012

I have decided to start a blog as a way to vent, explain, reason, and possibly be an inspiration to anyone that has experienced anything.

To explain the title of my blog, it's actually pretty simple: I've been told many a times that I am very wise for my age. It doesn't make much sense to me but I take it as a compliment. I would say that a lot of my wisdom has come from experiences (even if it takes experiencing something a billion times), I come out knowing something each and every time.

The title also is meant to show that I am a woman, not a girl. Which is hard for me to completely understand and probably for friends and family that have known for quite a while. This is not to say that I am 100% grown up and that I have all the characteristics to be a full fledged woman; my most recent break up that solidified I am still needing to learn how to be a woman.

This is not to say that I am getting rid of being a kid, because I'm not, that isn't like me. I'm a kid still but what I'm learning is balance.

Balance.

That's a word that is doing a lot in my life. Balancing school, work, friends, family, God. All of that is needing to be balanced. And I have not a clue how to properly balance but, with God's help, wisdom, and his "grown up-ness", I pray I learn balance.

Thank you for taking the time to read my first blog :) Feel free to comment and stay tuned, you are about to go on the reading ride of your life time.