I suppose I should back up. A Florida man named Richard Levine has just inherited his father-in-law’s 13,000 item clown collection: masks, toys, dolls, paraphernalia, etc. His father-in-law was a man named Jack “Clowney Jack” Kline who spent decades and decades rounding up assorted clown-related bric-a-brac from all over the world, and when he passed away in 2010 he left it to Levine. ALL OF IT. In one terrifying lump sum. Nooooooooooooooooooooooo thank you.

Can you even imagine? The lawyer calls you up and asks to meet you at some strange storage unit, and is all “Well, I’ve got some good news for you, son. Your father-in-law liked you quite a bit. Really thought you did right by his daughter. Told me himself when we were drawin’ up this will. Yup, ‘That Richie’s a good egg,’ he said, on more than one occasion. In fact, he liked you so much he wanted you to have somethin’ very special, and he asked me to bring you out to this storage locker to show you. Wanted it to be a surprise. All right, you ready?,” and then he would dramatically throw open the door and tell you to open your eyes and OH GOD WHY IT IS FULL OF DISEMBODIED CLOWN PIECES WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THIS TO ME YOU SAID HE LIKED ME HOLY SH-T THAT ONE IS LOOKING AT ME WITH ITS ONE REMAINING CLOWN EYE SOMEONE SHOOT IT.

I would never sleep again.

Oh, and in case you were wondering if reporters got jokes, of course reporters got jokes:

A clown collection is no laughing matter, Richard Levine has found out. [NBC Miami]

When Richard Levine learned he had just inherited 13,000 clown items from his father-in-law, it didn’t exactly turn his frown upside down. [CBS Miami]

Sheesh. Those might even be worse than the warehouse full of clown memorabilia.