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A List About What Kind of List I Should Write

I need to write a list today. A short, funny, list to amuse myself and to give my longer blogging a break for a moment. Besides, everyone on the internet loves feckin’ lists. Especially, lists that include slideshows. But, I can’t figure out what to list about. So, I figured I’d write a list about the top things I should list about and then you tell me which list you’d like to see in the comments section.

It’s so meta, it’s like Andy Kaufman sucking on the wrist of Andy Dick.

Yes, that’s exactly what I mean to say.

Let’s begin.

Top 8 Sweet Mother List Ideas:

1. Top 5 Rappers Who Lady Gaga Should Call Fat.

Apparently, some rappers called the Gaga fatsy. Um, has anyone seen rappers? I mean, feck, they’re not even that subtle…they have names like HEAVY D and Notorious BIG. I’m sure I can run through a whole list of rapping fat asses to name and shame. I’m also sure I could make up a few that should exist, “Emcee Your Momma is Fat,” “Gravy Train,” “MC Super Size,” “Doctor, You Gonna Eat That,” etc.

“Lady Gaga need some slimfast! Yes, these are my real titties.”

2. List of the most adorable nicknames for Mitt Romney.

Come on, the inter-webs are calling him, “Mittens.” I think there’s more there. How about… Sir Bully-A-Lot? The Dog Destroyer? Romnexico? (Hey, he says he’s Mexican…) I think I could dredge up some gems.

3. Self Torture Tactics that I’d Rather Undertake Instead of Listening to More News About Kristen Stewart’s “Twilight” Breakup.

A short list would include – pulling out a hangnail, cleaning the oven, getting my tires rotated, and cleaning the bathrooms.

4. Unlikely Duos I’d like to See Host an Awards Show.

Rumor has it (okay, it’s not a rumor it’s true) that Amy Poehler and Tina Fey are going to host the Golden Globes. That’s a likeable duo, but wouldn’t it be more fun to see are some unlikely and unlikeable ones? Here’s my first stab at it…Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell, Chelsea Handler and Joan Rivers, Moby and Eminem, OJ Simpson and ANY WOMAN…. I could go on…

5. Why Rupert Everett Would Make a Great Dad.

Rupert Everett -a wonderfully gay, British actor- has stated that he doesn’t believe two dads should have kids. Well, let’s flip the script and talk about why he’d be a great one. Here’s a snapshot: 1. Self Loathing in a Parent Makes for a Creative Child. 2….Okay, I’m having a hard time coming up with a number 2. Maybe we should change the list to – “Film and Television Vehicles Rupert Everett Can No Longer Star In…” They would include: My Two Dads, The New Normal, Partners, Glee, A Barbecue at Doogie Howser’s House, etc.

6. Things I would Like to Have Jillian Michaels Yell At Me.

Highlights include: The lyrics to “Papa Don’t Preach,” Any Doctor Suess Book, A Sandra Cisernos Poem (specifically, “You Bring Out the Mexican in Me.”), the transcript of any medical show… In my mind, Jillian would yell these things at me and I’d do push ups or squats of some kind or maybe Cross-fit training to her screams. Hmmmm. Maybe this one is too personal?

7. The Crimes I’d Like to See Tyler Perry Make an Arrest for: A Tribute to “Alex Cross.”

The list would include: black stereotypes, dressing in drag, horrible scripts, hanging out with Oprah too much, never dating Gayle, wearing a housedress, being a gun-toting, church going, grandma, etc.

“There’s no crime in the easy joke, my friend.”

8. Most Unrealistic Ways to Make Money Online.

List would include – selling bottle caps on Ebay, cyber-begging for the Obama campaign, a membership site called, “My Boring Life” – where you tape all your inane status updates like, “just had a sandwich!” and then allow people to watch you eating said sandwich for a small fee, etc. Wait, did I just describe reality tv?

That’s it! That’s my entire List About Potential Lists, my dear people. If you’d like to see one of these “lived out” or better yet, typed out, do tell in the comments section.

Momma loves you and hopes you’re having a splendid day.

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48 thoughts on “A List About What Kind of List I Should Write”

it’s true, isn’t it. every now and again i google that topic because who wouldn’t…like to ‘make money from home’ or ‘make money online,’ but honestly everything i read about it is ridiculous. i read one the other day that said, ‘sell your used books,’ which sounds like a good plan…if i want to STARVE!! loool. xo, sm

ohhhh, we SO did. you are so right. they seemed more like, ‘unlikely STONERS hosting an awards’ show. it was a train wreck of medium quality. looool. and… i also…’may be the problem with america.’ lool. i loved that.

Moms, I vote for number 6 because I seriously think Jillian could make a difference in my pathetic workouts. And I love the way she yells at people — call me crazy but it looks fun. This list could inspire many methinks.

i’m sorry, but there is something about her yelling that i just dig! i will not watch ‘biggest loser’ now. she was the best part of that show and i’ll scream about that topic all day long. lloool. xo, sm

Rupert has issues… He and Mike’s brother have been friends for decades. His parents never fully accepted him and instead of fighting back, he internalized the homophobia. Families can be a terrible thing 😦

that so makes sense to me. he’s the gay equivalent of a self hating jew. i mean it’s one thing if you think you shouldn’t have kids, but to then blanket that across all gays when you’re a gay! no. me no likey. xo, sm

The trouble with lists is that so many of us bloggers have a self-destructive desire to add two or three more items to the list than we really should. The additional items are never quite as good as the rest and end up diluting the overall quality of the list.

That being said, unrealistic ways to make money online could easily go on for days.

the lists are like an albatross then! so true. loool. lists to me are when we’re lazy and feel like writing less. but, it feckin’ works. and that ‘unrealistic ways to make money online’ is a favorite, i believe. loool. xo, sm

i also make non-existing money on the internet. so i feel you. loool. and everyone likes that one. i might have to do an ‘unrealistic ways to make money on the internet’ missive. loool. seriously, dirty, thanks for stopping by and commenting. much love, sm

guurrrl, whaddya mean you no like my lists? well, it’s alright, you’re such a regular here, we treat you like a regular at the local watering hole. if you throw up on the floor every now and again, it’s alright by us. seriously, i’m happy if you only like 24% of what i write. loool. but, i will say, MY faves are the romney nicknames, and the unrealistic ways to make money online, and i do want to make up fake names for fat rappers because, well, because someone should do it besides them. lool. xoxo, sm

Yes! Yes! I want this one too. I want it so badly that it makes me want to strap a dog to the roof of my car. Jen has started with some brilliant examples. King Douche of the Binder Kingdom is a particular fav. And his name really isn’t it Mittens? I thought it was. I should probably go back in my binder now.

Thanks, Momma. After the lat 24 hours at in my corner of the universe, the smile I got reading this does me good. (And I seriously think you should find someone to fill the role, and kick off the novelty rap act “Gravy Train.” It could be like the Weird Al of the hip-hop world.)

Sweetmother, I’m liking #6. Jillian yelling could scare the pants off of any mortal, and maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad idea. What is it about that woman? How is she so motivating??
Best,iRuniBreathe

I’d love to read a serious article about Rupert Everett. I first saw him in “Another Country” when I was maybe 15 years old…and I fell in love. Yep, even the fact that he played a gay man in the feckin’ movie (I only say feckin’ when commenting on your blog, btw. Out of respect.) didn’t clue me in to the fact that he’s a gay man. I had zero gaydar back then. Anyhoo, I’m a huge fan of Rupert’s and, as a fan, I know he likes to say things just to annoy people and he’s uber sarcastic. He’s a writer, for cryin’ out loud. The fact that he’s received death threats is just ridiculous. If anyone ever took anything I said seriously, I’d have been murdered fifty times over. Anyway, I’d love to hear your spin on the whole daddy debacle. Much love to you! CCL