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Here’s the very first post from our brand new Hitched – Mrs Sam Harwood… take it away Sam!

Wow – what a question. But I feel I must start this post with a disclosure – I’m writing with a cold. Not quite man flu, but I feel poorly and vulnerable. So right now being married means appreciating having a live-in pharmacist and feeling comfortable enough to not hide my face covered in snot and Vaseline.

If I were to answer this question on a different day, in a different mood would my answer change? Marriage changes over time and through the good and bad situations, but does the meaning?

Marriage to me is about family – starting your own new family unit of two and either breaking away from your old family or extending on it. On my side we extended it. I didn’t just get a husband but my Dad got a son, my Nan got another grandchild and my sister an annoying big brother. Overall I think they like it.

It’s also means to me having someone on your side –note not always, Nik is certainly not a push over and when I’m wrong (although I never am!) he voices it. But generally I love having my backup support system. After a long day at work and an extremely annoying colleague I relay my story and whether he understands, and or, cares Nik always has my back. And the very next evening he will do the same again. Yes I love bitching with my girlfriends, but if I called them every night to do it, how long would it be before my calls reached their voicemail?

Although I have played the role of Little Miss Confidence the truth is a very different matter and my support system has slowly helped with that, probably without him ever knowing!

I have very recently been asked to be a bridesmaid and for the research of this post I turned to my newly engaged friend and asked the same question to determine whether my views have changed. I have been married for four years – it’s a long way off a lifetime but beats Britney’s 55 hours and Kim K and Kris Humphries 72 days! Her answer was simple; marriage meant the ultimate commitment – the forever.

My thoughts exactly, so perhaps what marriage to me doesn’t change, maybe you lose sight of what it means when you argue over money or the washing up. But overall you have made the ultimate commitment and yes there is means of escape. I’m not afraid of divorce and will always promote the “divorce is better than an unhappy marriage” message. But right now I type as a lucky girl, happy in my marriage. But at the same time you must feel like it is forever, if you feel you have an easy means of escape you may not put in the work marriage needs.

Like every marriage is different, so are our meanings. But this is mine. Now I turn to you – what does your marriage mean to you?

Maybe he has no signal. Perhaps he got drunk and his phone fell in the toilet. Isn’t the football on today (frantically checks listings and forgets which damn team he supports) Step inside the mind of a female who isn’t getting her textual fix…

I’m a massive texter. Not a day goes by where I’m not bantering someone with silly movie quotes, or super hilarious memes created by yours truly. And if my mate doesn’t reply for a few hours or even days I don’t really bat an eyelid, yet if I’ve pressed send to a member of the opposite sex I am engaging in flirtations with, and he doesn’t reply for a few hours then woah.momma… my inner insecure princess comes out, mixed with a little bit of she-hulk. (Imagine having PMS and a little puff of a crack pipe; you’re pretty much there…)

So, while he might be out with his mates, taking a shit, doing his weekly shop or simply busy being a lad, us females tend to jump aboard the crazy train stopping at Overthinking Parkway, Stalker Central, and ‘Fuck this I’m out’ Street. Basically we get our ovaries in a twist thinking it’s all about us, simply because someone hasn’t used their fingers and typed a message back to us… Here are some of those epic stages women go.

“That date we had last night was awesome, I’ll drop him a witty line to let him know…”

Hey Mr,
Thanks for an awesome time last night.
If you’re lucky I’ll let you take me out again…;)

Like that first bite of a Krispy Kreme, the rush of excitement whizzes round at what you’ve just sent, and you get a giddy sugar-esque rush at the thought of his cheeky smile reading it, and could almost piss yourself waiting to see his response.

1 hour later
It’s a slow day. Pay day is a week away, you have limited funds, limited friend time and you’ve exhausted every decent season on Netflix, so waiting for the beep beep of your telecommunications device is pretty much like being in your own little drama. But an hours passed and there’s no reply; surely he can’t have forgotten about the date already? I mean you wore your best eyeliner for him and even had your eyebrows threaded. Ok,ok, calm down, it’s a Saturday and you did drink a fair amount last night… Give it a few more hours and I’m sure he’ll send a cute reply. Now… It’s been a while since I rearranged my nail polish collection so let’s crack on…

6 hours later
Your phone beeps and you dive across the bedroom like a Lauren Goodger at a selfie convention. Oh for fucks sake, it’s Dominos pizza with a special offer for one – just piss off will you!?
You launch your phone then shamefully pick it up and look at when you text him, then look through previous messages to see what the vibe was like, then you analyse last nights date and remember that some bits were blurry and you may have mentioned an ex. Oh balls, is that why he hasn’t text? Did the eyeliner remind him of a panda? Actually did he even get home ok last night?
*puts phone in the cupboard and watches Take me out instead*

Muuuuuch later that evening
Ok this is an absolute piss take, he clearly doesn’t have read alerts on as he doesn’t want you to know he has read your stupid message; he’s probably laying on his sofa swiping through Tinder and arranging dates. That’s it, you’ve decided you’re gonna text again and say it’s pointless continuing. This just reminds you why you remain single, all men are the same; well apart from Max Branning and Channing Tatum. Channing would never do this to you, no! He’d date you, dance for you and even grind on top a little bit.
So you message your best mate to have a rant and try to gain a teeny tiny piece of perspective, which just results in you both analysing each move and message and reminiscing on guys who have done this before.

“That’s it! I’m not going to reply even if he does message me. Yeah we had a good time but who does he think he is? I’m done. I’m done. I’m done….he just can’t do thi…”

Beep beep

“Hey lady,
Sorry I’ve been out all day and haven’t stopped.
Had a wicked time ;) you free this week?”

So there you have it; the life cycle of a girl who is waiting for that text. It’s probably happening to millions of women right now and I’ve had it happen countless times to me, but now I’m much better at reading the signs and also kicking off if I need to.

Our Ditched is feeling a little down; not only is she unlucky in love but now her blogging partner has moved to pastures new *sob sob* BUT that means there is an opening for a new HITCHED!

If you are a married lady, or getting married soon and love love love to write then we want to hear from you!

We’re looking for a witty and open minded lady who can commit to being the new Hitched – which means 2-3 blog posts a week. We want someone who has no problem writing about their sex life one minute, and serious issues the next.

Oh hello blogging… I seem to have neglected you somewhat for, erm, nearly a year!

As you may know, I previously ran this blog with my amazing friend Lauren (aka Hitched), but as she is a badass bastard and her business has taken off, she can no longer commit to being part of the best relationship duo since Kayne and Kayne. So, rather than changing the blog name to ‘Ditched & Ditched’ (life hasn’t become that tragic yet), I will be setting up a new blog purely full of my ramblings, but until then I am returning to the very blog that set it all off to talk about something which everyone must have been asked about either today or in the last few days:

“So, have you got any New Year’s resolutions?”

EUGH! Each time I hear those words fall out of someone’s mouth, it makes me want to hoover them back up then gather the dust in my hands and poof it back in the moronic face which it fell out of. I mean what is it about a new year that makes everyone turn into an exercise mad- eat clean train dirty- be more positive – make everyday count idiot? Like when did this even start happening? Or has it always been around and my immunity to the bullshit has now worn off?

Now there is nothing wrong what so ever with wanting to change things in life, after all, we can be here for a long ass time so living the same years over and over is like getting the train to London and expecting to end up in Manchester #aintevergonnahappen. But my issue comes from people using a new year as some sort of catalyst to kick start something which they don’t actually want to do. But hey, I’ve been guilty of it millions of times, and that’s why I’m ranting now.

I remember once writing down a list of things that I would change and achieve in January; yes January… not throughout the year, oh no no no, I assumed I could turn myself in to some sort of gym mad, healthy eating, creative, dating machine within a few weeks. Yes my friends, the wheels fell off and before I knew it I was back to my old ways of doing what I’ve always done and hating myself for not being this perfectly boxed human being who sorted shit out as soon as 2013 became 2014.

The top five resolutions from last year were:
1. Lose weight
2. Be more organised
3. Spend less, save more
4. Enjoy life to the fullest (or YOLO as the kids say)
5. Stay fit and healthy

These are pretty common and I bet a lot of you are wanting to do these, right? But that’s just it, it’s about doing them right and not going full pelt so that you end up burning out and beating yourself up before the Christmas tree comes down. The key to remaining fairly in control with your goals is being realistic – you may very well have the same hours in your day as Beyoncé, but she doesn’t have to sit in epic traffic that may make her miss a zumba session, or have to spend money fixing her blue tic tac of a car during the winter months. What I’m saying is that sometimes life gets in the way of your goals, and perfection is something that nobody will ever reach easily, if at all!

This is why I am saying no to New Year’s resolutions, and yes to slowly reaching my goals day after day. Hey, I’m already one step closer to getting back to blogging simply by writing this here post…

Things I want to do and achieve this year range from changing my diet to improve my health, doing regular exercise which I enjoy, writing and blogging more, visiting more places, and yes one from the list above – appreciating things more and being in the moment. But these are things which will take time and things which are personal to me. E.G – if you find yourself going to the gym with huge determination to get that killer body, but leave feeling defeated and like it’s hopeless, then you need to step back and look at what your goals are. Just because the toned girl in the men’s weight area looks amazing and could probably bench press your boyfriend, doesn’t mean that she walked in that day and turned into a confident biatch; things take time – just think of yourself as a lovely bit of dough in The Great British Bake Off proving drawer- you need time to rise so you can shine :)

So, let me raise a New Year’s Day toast and say… The reality is that everyone fails: everyone, and we are so scared of failing that sometimes we don’t even try. But the beauty of life is that there are thousands of ways to do things, and sometimes you stumble across the beautiful way of achieving what you want to do.

Thanks for reading and keep those eyes peeled for my brand spanking new blog coming soon!

There’s something in the air around this time of year which leaves couples upping their asshole-ness and going all ‘pooki-wooki, oh I wuv you snuggle bear” right up in my grill. Now I’m all for a bit of romance, but for a single gal like myself the big V Day can be a slightly depressing affair; imagine Christmas with no Top of the Pops and you’re pretty much there. But this year I refuse to mope or throw darts at pictures of my douche bag exes, hell NO! This year I am going to treat myself like the queen bee that I am, and do everything that a man would do for me on Valentine’s Day, and yes – I mean everything….

Morning: breakfast in bed
When you are with someone you are forced to share pretty much everything; the same bed, the duvet (don’t even get me started…), a group of friends and more annoyingly: FOOD. I’ll leave my good Friend to say…

So this Valentine’s Day I’ll be making some lovely poached eggs, salmon and toast, complete with an amazing Nespresso coffee, and I’ll have to share it with no mother fucker. They’ll be crumbs everywhere and maybe some yolk on my pillow case for when I get home. blissful…

Drives you to work
Aww, ain’t it fab when the man acts like Lewis Hamilton and drives you to work; what a gent he is, what a swell guy. Actually no, because he drives like an ass, gets angry at people on the curb who are just living life, and listens to terrible music for the whole commute. Give me my sweet ass Ford KA, my Ministry of Sound playlist and the ability to shield myself from any potential male road rage. Plus, I just flutter my eyelashes and pull a sad face so that people let me out of side roads; being with your man would make that a huge FAIL. The only reason I would want to take a ride with a guy is if it ended something like this….

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Mid afternoon: the arrival of flowers or 5 foot bears
A few girls in my office have received flowers, and I’m not going to bullshit here as it does make me feel slightly jealous; ok mega jealous and sometimes I want to bash them over the head in a rage (sorry ladies, love you really!) so why not do a good deed and send some to one of your best friends, especially if they are single. As Valentine’s Day doesn’t just have to focus around the person you give your love hormone to.

Evening: The romantic meal
Single On Valentine’s Day; sounds like a slasher movie doesn’t it? And it conjures up such negative images of women crying, eating Ben and Jerry’s, then going and crying in the shower fully clothed. So as millions of couples light the candles and tuck into a lovely meal, why shouldn’t you do the same with your girlfriends? See it as a day to celebrate love, friendship and being a group of hot bitches.

The no pants dance/ horizontal jogging/ getting your leg over
For me the most frustrating thing about being single on Valentine’s Day is the sex, as it’s a time to let loose and make time for some fifty shades kind of action. This is pretty hard to do when you are flying solo, but not impossible, and indulging in some lady loving could be the perfect end to your solo V-Day. I was recently sent some ‘sensual pleasure gels’ from the lovely folk at Durex, which feature two stimulating lubes that ‘cum’ together for an amazing reaction. Now, I have yet to try them with a man (form an orderly queue gents) but the mixture of the warm gel and the tingly one does leave you feeling more than satisfied, plus if you are getting jiggy with yourself then it’s guaranteed to end in fireworks as you are in total control all. night. long…

Durex are holding a special launch event to celebrate: Simply visit the South Bank on Thursday, February 13, to witness ‘The Embrace’ – an incredible light and dance spectacular brought to you by Durex Embrace.
Tweet #DurexEmbrace for the opportunity to see your Valentine message displayed for the world to see. Come down between 6pm and 8:30pm and also get the chance to WIN:

In November 2013 Ditched took the plunge and went on her very first internet date after years of claiming she never would. Here she reveals what really went down and why she won’t be taking the bait again any time soon…

For me, the most exciting part of a relationship is the beginning; where it’s the just the right amount of awkward and you both hold back until you either run away or actually make a go of it. A huge part of this experience is the initial meeting – or as I like to call it ‘the conversation starter’, where you actually reveal to the outside world how you both met.

Perhaps I’ve seen one too many Hugh Grant romps, but I’m a sucker for a random encounter – whether that be at an outdoor party in Ibiza, or meeting someone so annoying you want to pass out just to escape, only to be in bed with them a few weeks later and watching back to back episodes of Take Me Out #loveu4eva

So if you take that randomness and face to face meeting away, and replace it with a screen, deceiving pictures and instant messaging, it just isn’t going to feel the same. So, why did I even sign up to a dating site……

I’ve been single for roughly three years now, with the odd fumble, snog and romantic flurry thrown in the mix. Being 29 I don’t go out raving like I used to, plus it’s a known fact that most people don’t meet potential relationships in a booze fuelled environment, so I thought I would get talking to a few fellas and see if there are decent men in the world of virtual dating.

I first signed up in 2012 and arranged to meet a fireman from Birmingham, but I lost my lady balls and understandably he lost interest. But during my textual time with him I did get that little buzz of excitement when he got in touch, so he could have been the one but I was too chicken shit to find out. After that I closed my account and didn’t create a new one until November 2013, as again I had a few near misses with blokes and missed that little bit of attention.

The site I joined was Plenty of Fish, which isn’t the greatest for meeting someone as it’s a free site and you can create a profile in a matter of seconds. I had a fair few men contact me, but many couldn’t hold my interest for more than a few messages back and fourth. Then a few weeks down the line a guy contacted me and the banter was flowing; he seemed different and was 37 so I wasn’t worried about him being a complete immature tool. He asked if I wanted to meet for a drink one evening after work, which made my palms sweaty and my heart sink into my ass- could I really do this? Was I willing to go against everything I believed in and try something new? I said yes, but in the back of my mind I had a sneaky suspicion I was going to cancel that day…

Date day came around and I was nervous as hell; every hour that ticked by at work had me feeling more and more anxious. I had so much going on in my mind; what if he smells? What if he isn’t funny? What if he looks nothing like he does in his pictures? As my working day came to an end, I went to the toilet to get changed and had a huge wave of panic come over me “Oh shit, this is actually happening!! But I managed to calm myself down, glam myself up and steady my nerves for the drive into town.

A huge traffic jam awaited as I pulled out of the car park, and I almost used this as an excuse to bail, but he was willing to wait for me in the bar we had arranged to meet at. FUCK, no turning back now (literally).

I walked nervously and slowly to the bar, and there he was waiting for me. I almost collapsed in his arms as the relief washed over me; come on Kelly, he is just another human, with a beating heart, stubbly face and dangly bits between his legs, what’s the worst that could happen? We got a drink and sat down chatting; did I fancy him? I really couldn’t make up mind! One minute I thought I did, then the next he would say something or laugh a certain way and I found it off putting!

Things were going reasonably well so we headed across the road to another bar, but this is where things went a little down hill….

Throughout the evening he kept doing funny voices and impressions, which was pretty cool for about 15 minutes, but he obviously thought this was working so carried on. But I felt like I was on a date with a cartoon character or The Mask after a while! And I’m all for a bit of Jim Carrey, but threes certainly a time and a place. Then the conversation took a serious turn and he went in to Dad mode by giving me a small lecture; I know you’re 37 dude but back the fuck off!

It all started as we were chatting about exes (first date fail) and I happened to mention that I once dated a barrister and that we were so mismatched that it was never going to go anywhere (erm hello, me skiing? Do one!) so I jokingly said “if you were a posh boy I would have ran a mile!” And clearly I hit some sort of nerve, as he went off on one about how I shouldn’t judge someone as it’s not fair….. O…….K….

So after that lead balloon had gone down, I just wanted to get the hell out of there, but he wanted to take me for some food and didn’t understand why I wanted to get home. He finally took no for an answer and walked me to my car, and we had a small and awkward embrace before I kicked off my heels, slid on some flats and drove home feeling not much at all.

I sent him a little text to say I had gotten home ok, and he asked if I wanted to meet up again as he said he had a great time. “oh balls, what the f do I do now? I need to be honest! How long do I wait to text?! Argh! This is why I don’t date!”

I waited 10 minutes and quickly typed my response…

I had a nice time but I’m going to be honest, I don’t see this going anywhere as that spark just wasn’t there for me. You’re a nice guy but I don’t want to waste anyone’s time here.

Ok but I really don’t see how you can feel that way after one date. Was it the voices I did, or was it our little debate? That was just banter! Come on, let me take you for dinner at the weekend and I’m sure you will feel differently

I know how I feel and I know what I want, sorry. And yes the voices were a bit too much, and I felt like you had a go at me also. Let’s just leave it and see it as a nice night, you did say there was no pressure here for me to see you again, that’s the whole point of dating.

ok well I hope you find what you are looking for. I don’t understand women sometimes, a guy can try and be nice and they still want a bad boy! Guess it comes down to if you fancy me or not doesn’t it.

Look, I’ve had a nice evening and I’ve been honest with you. I’m not gonna go for dinner with you and waste your time. You’re making me feel bad for no reason, yeah fancying someone does matter but it’s not all about that. And as for bad boys, I’m after a spark, not someone to treat me like dirt.

ok, hope you find what you are looking for. I’m here if you change your mind

thanks but I won’t. Enjoy your weekend

FFS! talk about keen bean! The guy made me feel like I had jilted him at the alter! And yes he was an ok guy, and not a complete munter, but I really disagree about a spark forming further down the line- for me there needs to be that initial something there otherwise it’s pointless; which is why meeting someone in real life, and not behind a screen is the way forward for me in the future.

I’ve recently been dabbling a little on Tinder, and suggested meeting up with someone who seemed pretty amazing, but when we mentioned it he said he didn’t really know what he was looking for…. logs off dating sites and heads out into the real world