Custody battles are hard. Dad’s got the money, but mum’s got the love. Mum supports you in all your choices but dad wastes his time with you ranting about how anyone who doesn’t believe Only Fools and Horses is the greatest programme of all time is a “transvegan snowflake asylum remoaner”.

Mum watches everything you do with pride but isn’t afraid to tell you where you’re going wrong. Sometimes it stings but you know it comes from a place of love. She knows the names of all your friends and what they all look like, and treats them all with respect. They’re important to you, so they’re important to her. Dad thinks Dundee United play at Rugby Park.

Mum is BT Sport in this scenario, obviously.

Unfortunately, it looks like dad’s set to be awarded full custody of Scottish football. He’s got more money and that’s the most important thing. Given the way in which Scottish football has been burned in the past, it’s in our interests to go after the most lucrative deal. That being said, if we sever ties with BT Sport when the present deal runs out at the end of next season, we’ll be saying goodbye to Scottish football’s most popular broadcaster in living memory.

Everyone loves a Currie

Eighty-six per cent of the fans I spoke to on Twitter said they would prefer BT Sport to cover our game. That speaks volumes for the passion, humour, self-deprecation and, most importantly, respect that shines through in their coverage. Their broadcasts are anchored by the well-informed and popular Darrell Currie, about whom the only offensive tweet I can find is someone in December 2016 tweeting: ‘Darrell Currie is complete mince’. No likes, no retweets.

Chris Sutton, on the other hand, attracts his fair share of derision. The former Celtic man revels in his pantomime villain status but even those wound up by his opinions would surely admit he’s more entertaining than your average ‘the lad’s crossed it and the big man’s got his head on it right’ pundit. The closest he has come to genuine controversy was the time he appeared on Radio Clyde accusing Derek Johnstone of being a “Rangers puppet”.

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To this day he’s refused to apologise and admit he meant ‘Sevco puppet’.

Ally McCoist is still riding the crest of a wave of popularity following his acclaimed punditry-cum-travelogue at the World Cup, retaining his boyish enthusiasm despite suffering from PTSD brought on by two years in charge of Emilson Cribari. Stephen Craigan provides a reliable foil for Sutton, and Michael ‘Mike and the Biomechanics’ Stewart is rarely short of an opinion.

Eilidh Barbour has proved an excellent reporter and host, while commentator Rory Hamilton has shown himself to be a worthy replacement for the popular Derek Rae. Emma Dodds has impressed, and Alex Rae often makes it through entire shows without launching into ‘Every Saturday We Follow’.

It’s a different story on Sky Sports. No-one has a bad word to say about Ian Crocker, an iconic voice of Scottish football coverage for more than 20 years. Commentary aside, though, their coverage leaves much to be desired. In Kris ‘short back and dimoxinil’ Boyd, they have a pundit who considers “I’m not getting involved in whether it’s a red card or not” an appropriate response. Kris Commons, meanwhile, could do with summoning even a fraction of the enthusiasm he showed when Ronny Deila subbed him against Molde.

Sky’s the giddy limit (Image: Collect Unknown)

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In the face of widespread criticism of their coverage they brought in Hayley McQueen, an affable and experienced presenter forever destined to be screenshotted by 53-year-old Brexity types for their weird ‘Women of Sky Sports’ Twitter accounts. They also introduced the ‘SPFL Matters’ show, or ‘SPFL Matters Within Reason’ as it’s better known.

The effortless chemistry of BT Sport’s pundits contrasts starkly with the stilted conversations on Sky but the latter’s real Achilles heel is their lack of attention to detail. You and I know that Dundee United and Dundee are two separate teams. No one’s thought to tell Sky though. Say ‘Sky Sports’ to many Scottish football fans and their first thought will be of the numerous times Sky have assigned the wrong badge, stadium or manager to a Scottish team.

This is the same Sky Sports who recently posted an article with the headline ‘Should Ryan Fraser be in the England squad’ less than 16 months after he made his debut for Scotland against ... England. They also labour under the misapprehension that Andy Walker retains the support of Scottish viewers, a belief they would be disabused of by simply typing ‘Andy Walker w**k’ into Twitter.

Money talks, sadly, and the chances of mum being granted sole custody are extremely slim. In that case, they could at least stay together for the kids.