Oregon Militia Squatter Awarded Silver Cross For Beer Run

BURNS, OREGON — His legend grows as Oregon First Militia Private Corporal Master Chief Grant Ryan continued his historic and valiant performance in the Great Burns Oregon Squatting, earning himself his second medal of recognition from his militia mates.

Having already secured a Purple Heart when he gallantly pushed forward and procured a snack after stubbing his toe on the fridge, Ryan “performed an even greater act of heroism” according to General Admiral Vice Captain Michael Schemwitz, one of the many leaders of the Oregon militia group that seized control of a bird observatory in Burns, Oregon, at the end of 2015. At a press conference early Monday morning, Schemwitz released video and pictures from an awards ceremony at which Ryan received the Oregon Militia’s Silver Cross of Valor for what Schemwitz described as “the most amazing feat of military strength” he’d witnessed in the standoff to date.

“This morning, the Burns Oregon Militia Squatter Squad bestowed upon First Militia Private Corporal Master Chief Grant Ryan the Silver Cross of Valor for his steadfast leadership and performance during Operation Get More Beer from the Seven-Eleven.” Schemwitz told reporters that late Saturday night he and his fellow militia men found themselves “completely out of Bud light and dangerously low on Coor’s banquet beer,” and he drew up plans for a daring and bold maneuver, “a beer run,” Schemwitz said, “but a beer run that would be one day in the same breath as in the invasion of Normandy, the Battle of Gettysburg, and that one time that Corporal Bob got the pizza delivery guy up here to throw in extra sprinkle cheese.”

Schemwitz then described Operation Get More Beer in harrowing detail. “First Militia Private Corporal Master Chief Ryan, along with three other fellow militiamen, left the bird observatory at nineteen hundred hours on Saturday evening,” Schemwitz said, “and within minutes they were faced with an obstacle many soldiers may not be able to handle. The low fuel light came on.” Schemwitz said after a brief discussion in the Ford F-150, Ryan “made the bold, decisive decision to stop and get more gas.”

“I pulled into the gas station, and I looked for an open pump,” Ryan later told reporters, “like my training says to do. Then, I pulled up, opened my door, opened the gas door, and slid my ATM card into the slot, entered my PIN, but it said I had to go in and talk to the cashier!” Ryan said he was “scared and frightened” at first but that “the mission to get more beer was too vital to be left to someone else.” Upon entering the gas station convenience store, Ryan saw that he and his battalion mates could “kill two libtards with one libtard bullet,” as they were fond of saying.

Ryan said he saw to his right a cold, refrigerated display of beer. At first he flashed back to the time he stubbed his toe on the fridge at the observatory and he said he “was nervous as hell” but kept going. He approached the beer display and pulled out six twelve-packs of Coor’s light, and brought them to the counter. There, he paid for both the gas the truck needed and the beer he was sent to procure.

“For killing two birds with one stone,” Schemwitz said, “we, the Burns Oregon Militia Squatters are pleased to present this Silver Cross of Valor and Refreshment Procurement to First Militia Private Corporal Master Chief Grant Ryan.”