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Just got to let you know! I have been practicing this ‘What would a person who loves herself do’ thing from the vid from yesterday. I did it for one day now and it is amazing how my view changes! In small things and in bigger things, not in big things yet but I’m guessing that could follow. Like this morning, I was making the bed, disliking it. And I thought ‘wwapwlhd?’ and I realised she would not bother with wasting energy on disliking it. It is a cool concept!

Because there is a reflection through ‘the unseen other women who loves herself’ the whole thinking structure bypasses my own sabotaging system. 🙂 Because it is not about me, it is about her and I then apply it to myself. Let’s see where this brings me. 🙂

Bit anxious because I am planning to visit a company and do an intro of myself (cold call) for a job intro. I can’t write letters of application currently, I sabotage. But I can visit people. If that is the way to go, that is the way to go.

I am happy that I quit. This morning I woke up and in that moment between sleep and awake I felt yeah, hold yourself, I felt the ghosts / souls of the animals I have eaten leave my body through my breath. I feel way better now. I have this thing with being a vegetarian because I think I should but I also, well, used to, like meat. After the vid from Sadhguru on why meat is not such a good idea the subject has been on and off my mind. And while walking the food store and doing the ‘what would my body like to eat’ I bypass the meat. I sort of think I still can eat fish but actually, I don’t. The whole well ‘idea’ (?) has to do with becoming clear and meat dims the brain and soul and life energy. I’m thinking one can’t go around killing animals or people for that matter and thinking that clarity will come from that. But I never set out to do this and now this insights are happening without me hmmm, ‘wanting’ it? If that makes sense? I mean, I’ve got enough on my plate – ghegheghe, no pun intended – well, let’s leave it at that.

I take: Ayurvedic pills

Wwapwlhd?: She would not write a blog here but prepare the job application to give herself the best possible chances.

I want: these people to call me and offer me the job for 3 days and 4 times the salary. Hmm, maybe I should become realistic about my wishes. I wish myself a conscious learning experience with hopefully a good outcome.

3 Things: this wwawwlhd? practise, liking it. 2 The veggie insights, 3 Me daring to go to a job interview. Oooooh no, I don’t dare. Oooh shit. I’m don’t think I am in a good place to do this but I told myself I would.

Well, I’m there where I need to be: experiencing bears on the road and blocks in me everywhere. Life does not stream anymore in me which is becoming very obvious now. I had some ups a few weeks back but now I’m sort of stuck in the same place as before. The problem now is not the lack of energy, it has come down to what has been the issue all of my life: I do not like me and I do not like being here or practical versions of that in experiencing a fear to introduce myself to recruiters/HR.

I have become very sensitive about how I look. I’m guessing that the incident with the book store man has to do with that too. I am starting to experience what it is to have grey hair and to be 45 without kids to look back upon. A friend send some pictures of me playing with her kids outside. I look like a freaking elephant. It would be a running, laughing, smiling, dancing, active elephant with a shitload of beautiful grey hair. And I only see the elephant, the aging elephant who can deal with kids but not with adults. I see the kids I never had, feeling how much it hurts to be not even considered as a relation option by any man of my own age. Only elderly guys looking for a big mama experience. After elderly man number 6 showed up it is not funny anymore. 😦

The bookstore man once said: ‘Feeling, you HAVE to love yourself otherwise you can not BE in a relation.’ He’s right. And I can not. And then I want him to love me because I can not which is where the longing is. And obviously I feel lousy when he does not which…. makes the issue even bigger. I realise now that I have always wanted the other to fix me, to complete me.

Since I have been circling around these internal blocks for a few weeks now the structure of my self destruction becomes more and more clear. Obviously I have to do stuff because of financial reasons.

So when Nick Ortner with tapping on financial issues came along I watched his vids. I think tapping works really well, but only if we are, ok, I am, able to see where I am at. ‘Just’ tapping on positive things will not work. It works wonders for me however when I tap and find the right words; a whole world of attached experiences opens up, like a magician drawing a line of knotted handkerchiefs out of his sleeve. Those attached experiences I find very helpful because they give information on how things came about and about the, eh, size (?) of the field. The scope might be a better word.

I am currently at video 3. It starts with ‘love and accept’ and I just can’t. So I went to look for other tapping scripts online for tapping on love and acceptance and I find I can not use them. I look at the person on the screen and think: I see these flashes of shame on your face while you do this, how can you say you have learned to love yourself? Or other, how am I supposed to believe it when I say ‘I never deserved to feel so guilty and ashamed.’ – while I actually do think I do?

Well, ask me and I will say I do not think so and rationalise the shit out of it but deep down, well, not so deep down, I am struggling with worth, with love, with compassion. So I looked further and found Teal Swan. She is the unruly, spiritual witch version of Brené Brown with a tiny bit of a commercial sauce which took me a bit of getting used to but I like it a lot so; hang in there. And eh, if you, as some might wonder how somebody so beautiful and brainy might not experience self-love -as I did as I was focussing all the the self destruct on appearance now- …. she also had 13 years of ritual sexual abuse and torture in her young life so…. 😦

Hope you enjoy. I specifically liked her practise of asking yourself ‘What would a person who loves herself do in this situation’. Beautiful, started applying it in a lot of things today and it gave great peace.

Part of my search for self love is about The Other and how I hope whatever He can solve my issues. Together, complete, forever, blablabla, well, we all know the fairy tale. So on my outing to the give away store I found ‘The invisible partners’ by J.A. Sanford which describes ghegheghe, the Jungian view of male-female and anima (female part within the man) and animus (male part within the women). How well-timed by the Universe. It’s a good read. Laughing my head of while reading next to the bonfire at the store. It eh, gives insight in how we (I!) project our animus in the man and make him our (my!) hero and to what problems this leads. Very good info, specifically for a person like me who has a rather inflammable heart. And easy to read because he does confirm my assumptions that falling in love is nothing more than a net of projections I cast over the other by which I try to real him in. Yeah, dark.

Then again: if somebody feels like he fits the projections…. :-D. Well, obviously such a relation is not sustainable but I’m not there where he explains how to do it differently. I am reading! Not Netflixing, because a person who loves herself would be reading. 🙂

I am happy that I quit, even though I stumble over every little thing I am working on what I believe are my 2 basic issues: not liking me and not wanting to really be in this world. So: good!

I need: I think I will change this into ‘What would a person who loves herself do?’ (WWAPWLHD?) A person who loves herself would continue to read for another 15 minutes and then go to bed.

I want: well, now I sort of think to know how it works and had the learning experience I feel it is MY RIGHT for things to become easy :-D. Aaaah, still living a dream.

I take: Ayurvedic pills and I notice swelling of my breasts which I am curious about. See where that goes.

On discipline: the WWAPWLHD? works better than berating.

On sugar: the other day I worked out that I did not want sugar, I just felt bad and wanted sugar to fix that. So I changed over to dates. Less poisonous. And with the WWAPWLHD I can keep the intake at 5 and be happy instead of 20 and still be unhappy. Let’s see.

3 Things: the book I found, the video I found, my determination to keep on looking for where I CAN find an answer. I feel I have to blast a trail through this sobriety stuff but well, obviously I seem to like it that way. Or I am doing all that not to do what I should be doing…. Who knows? I think it is both actually.