It's been four days since my last node, and right now, I should be
sleeping. The last day of full time work is tomorrow; on Monday, I
resume my life as a University student. Interesting classes to look
forward to, and not spending all day in front of a computer will be
nice. The walk will be longer and more frequent, past the train
station instead of into it, through the technology park and onto
campus.

Construction. Everything is under construction, or renovation, or
demolishion, or decomposition. Shiny new things spring up to cover the
old decaying ones; last year we had new signposts, I wonder what it
will be this year. A new building? Renovated classrooms? The Stör,
that's new; an effort on the part of the Students Union. In the end,
it's the same old go to class, study your ass off, and pass your
tests.

I was happy today. I got a haircut, and smiled about one thing or
another for about three hours straight. Then... it stopped. Maybe I
just got to tired or something. Maybe my bloodsugar dropped. Damn
hypoglycemia. Happyness evaporated. I think I just need to sleep...

Logged on to E2 today with one less writeup and 120 more XP. Interesting.
Once again, a WU nuked with no explanation or even a mention in the editor log! Great! I still haven't found out what writing was bad enough to deserve to be wasted, but I'll browse through my backups tonight. If it wasn't bad enough I'll just keep resubmiting it until they nukeme. Or something.

Suffering from a bad case of noder's block at the moment. Only a few of writeups are needed to hit level 6, but I'm not into senseless noding sprees for level advancement anymore. Oh well, the inspiration will come eventually. It always does.

18:17 EET

Ok, the nuking business is all sorted out. It was actually a node which should've been removed a long time ago. So everything is fine, just fine.
Except that going through my old writeups, I discovered a great deal of them.. er.. suck. They will be nuked sooner or later, so I should at least have the dignity to request the annihilation myself. I have a big list tö gather..

Yesterday I skipped "Happy Happy Fun Fun Day!!!!" and instead walked up town. On the way I bought some baked goods and ate them in a cemetery. Don't get me wrong here, I wasn't trying to be goth or anything like that, it just so happened that the cemetery was the coolest place I found to eat nummy bakery fresh stuff. Kinda sad that way, the live in the cement tombs while the dead get the shade of a birch tree, on a hot day at the end of summer.

I should be happy. It's going to be fun. Actually, it's not going to be very wild or anything (she's Mormon and can't drink), but fun nonetheless.

My emotions are in such a turmoil right now. My best friend, C, is not allowed to come. He is friends with her too, and he wanted to go. But the one friend who organized the party said he can't because he's male. I tried to say that that shouldn't matter, it should just be her friends there, period. One of our other friends (one I don't really like, but I put up with to stay part of the group), said that C can't come for the same reason L's fianc&eacute wasn't invited. It's not the same at all... Isn't it supposed to be to take her out and show her a good time one last night before she "tied down"? I thought that was the reason that her fianc&eacute wasn't supposed to come.

I'm starting to feel like I shouldn't even bother going... But L is a really good friend and I want to be there for her. I want her to have a good time. I want to have a good time - but I will be thinking about C and how bad I feel for not sticking up for him more, not forcing the issue so he was allowed to come too. He won't sit at home by himself or anything, but I feel bad nonetheless.

There's something deeper though... Yesterday I saw a thing about noding your secrets in the chatterbox, so here goes.

I am insanely jealous of my friend L. I am trying to be happy for her. Really, really hard. But I can't seem to get past the fact that I will not be walking down the aisle anytime soon. I know this is self-centered. I know that I really have to get over myself.

Last winter, I came under the impression that my SO wanted to actually get married. I was so happy. I told most of my friends. But he wouldn't let me tell our parents. I guess this was the first warning sign that things were about to fall apart. Things got worse and worse between us... I knew that I was just kidding myself that he actually might want to marry me at that point. When his sister had a baby, I found out about it the day afterwards. She was 19, and I guess she told him to keep it a secret, and not tell me. My stepdad remarked that after all that time together, I was still an outsider to their family. This stewed in my mind and snowballed and snowballed. I blew up at him. I told him I never wanted to see him again. We broke up for a day and a half. I went crawling back. He told me later he expected this and didn't think I really meant it. I didn't - I was just upset.

In any case, my friends found out and I guess they knew the wedding was off. They avoid the topic as much as they can, I think they know that I'm still upset, even though I put on a tough face and pretend it doesn't bother me. So I'm trying to be happy for my friend L, but I cried and cried the night she told me she was getting married.

Well, I suppose I'll just have to make it through this day and be as pleasant as I can. I need to be happy for her. This is her time. Mine will come... someday.

E2 as therapy? I don't know. Maybe getting this off my chest will help. I can feel the anonymity wrapping around me like a warm blanket. No one to judge (well, if they do, I don't have to care), no one to bring this up at awkward moments... But maybe someone cares. Maybe I'm just fooling myself again.

Knock knock, it's three random women, mind if we come inside? So we sat aroung until too damn late rehashing old marching band and theatre jokes. It was cool. Kit_Lo: take note, talk to random women at lunch and they may show up on your doorstep in a few days!

My linux box has been crashing like Win98 on a 486 lately. It's just randomly locked up 4 times since wednesday. I think I have the problem beat, though. It was running VERY hot (surprise, it's an Athlon), so I moved the case fan to be right next to the CPU, and the temperature in the case has gone way down. Don't know about the CPU itself, but it has a dual-fan heatsink, so it should be OK now that the case is cooler. In the long run I'll probably need another case fan, but this seems to be OK for now.

Well here we go with another fucked up day in the life of Tex.
My boss called in sick today, he was helping anm run some Cat 6 cable yesterday and had an accident. With me on the other side of the building, watching the pingrate, waiting for some improvement, and anm holding the cable in abstract positions, trying to find the electric-interference, we heard a very loud crash. I ran around, to here my boss cursing loudly (which he never does at all normally) and favoring his legs, and bleeding at the mouth. It turns out that it was his fault, he stood on a ricoty chair, that is kept in the phone room, to pull more calbe through. Well, we all know what happened when he did this, poor guy.

On the upside, work is being accomplished today, since we are not having to deal with our bosses petty commands.

Today was odd. I woke up early so I could wash my hair (a very strenuous process which takes an hour or so), and even had time to brush it before running off to school. As usual, my brother was talking on the phone all morning with his girlfriend, Sheena. So we were late. As usual. Walked into school as the bell rang, so that wasn't so bad.

Things started getting weird in Anatomy class. The teacher began with a long speech involving the surface of one's guts and how they sometimes form lumps on horses' sides. I didn't quite catch everything. Went over Lorenzo's Oil related stuff. I haven't seen that movie since eighth grade. I was moslty in a daze, wondering how I was going to pass the French test I had at one o'clock. Somehow I managed to take notes involving such phrases as "elastin = phone cord," and "tendons aren't hairballs." I have no idea what I was thinking.

Had a senior class meeting during seminar. Basically a waste of time, but I really wouldn't have done much anyways. Managed to review some of my french vocabulary while the principal (Mr. Lucas) droned on and on about setting a good example for the underclassmen. He tends to be a little wordy. I ate some puppychow that a friend had made. It was messy.

Band. We had the worst rehersal ever, or so said Mr. Christopher. But he tends to be critical. And moody. And extremely short. Tried to help the other piccolos stay in tune. They all seem to enjoy hurting my ears. Not that they ever played the right notes anyway. Sometimes I wonder how we ever got the reputation as a firstdivisionAA marching band. Let alone symphony band. It must be all the sophomores, I bet. Seniors rule.

Went to Stacy's house for lunch. My ex-boyfriend's sister (also my ex-best friend) also went there. Everyone is a little off-balance when she's around. See The Twisted Hate Quadrangle.

French class was a blur. A very slow blur. The prof talked faster and faster as class dragged on, and I was off in my own little world. Where ever that is. Now I am home, and must leave for work shortly. I hate closing on Friday nights. I have better things to do.

Overall, not a hideous day I suppose. But not wonderful either. And yet Everything always cheers me up! I only wish SoberSephiroth, could be here to share my good mood, but I think he's busy boofing Pikachu, his hero. Or maybe Pam. Either way, I'm glad today is almost done.

Nick: no offense intended, but I assume you knew that already. See you tomorrow morning, yo.

I sit here quietly wondering. Most of what has happened the past few days has been in conflict with what I hear people tell me and what I actually see going on. I have been assured by the owner of the dog that she will get her boyfriend to pay part of the vet bill. Yet when I passed her house Tuesday night there were three large men standing out front watching me as I passed on the other side of the street. Arms folded across their chests two fixed their eyes on us (Kiki and I, Sam won't be able to walk for two weeks) one shook his head and went in the house with a look of disgust on his face.

Yesterday a new Animal Control Officer called and said she had been assigned to the case from 'the guy at the top.' I told her perhaps the first officer had himself removed from the case because he can't be objective since his son walks pass the house to and from school. She wanted me to get her the address of the neighbor who said the dog had entered her house and attacked their dog.

She asked 'Do you walk every day?'
I tell her yes, I've been walking this route for almost a year now.

Every night since the attack, Animal Control, Pima County Sherriff and Marana PD have passed me on my walks. Last night my husband called the lady and all seemed amicable. She's still trying to get her boyfrind to pay part of the vet bills and she understood from the Animal Control Officer that the vet would have reported the incident to Animal Control, she understood that we're not trying to cause any trouble. Reassured I walked last night, but took a different route.

I heard the car coming from behind me, it's boombox vibrating the ground with deep resonance. He drove by me slowly, glaring, it was one of the men that live in her house. It was all meant to intimidate. A white car with gold wheels, the tags are from California. I walked off in the opposite direction from my house because I didn't want him to know where we live.

They don't have our phone number either and Number One Son tells me he thinks he plays basketball with them down at the park. I haven't told anyone I don't want any trouble. I have no proof and there's no point in worrying my husband.

They don't know what I've lost these people. I do a lot of thinking on these walks. About how to rebuild my life, help one of my sons with a perplexing problem or plan for family.

Working though problems while the heat scatters into the cooling desert and the chameleon sunsets.

These are the people and things I see and delight in every day...

~ the desert gecko that lives in a clump prickely pear cactus who suns himself in the evening sun and scurries back to safety when we walk by only to be out again when we return home

~ a brown and white dappled Saint Bernard who, I swear if he decided to,could lean against the rickety old wooden thing his owners call a fence and knock it over!! Well he always bounds to the fence and gently sticks his nose out between the boards for a friendly nuzzle

I threw away my purse today, I couldn't get the stains out of the fabric. Sam had laid on it in the darkness of the car. The walking shoes I bought myself for my birthay were also permanently stained and I got rid of them as well.

I still have to face tonights walk and I'll go because I don't want to end up losing this step forward in my recovery. Time will pass and hopefully it will become a distant memory, but for now it's painful.

==

"This truth was given me in secret, as though whispered in my ear. It came in a vision at night as others slept.

A spirit swept past my face. Its wind sent shivers up my spine. It stopped, but I couldn't see its shape. There was a form before my eyes, and a hushed voice said,

'Can a mortal be just and upright before God? Can a person be pure before the Creator?' "If God cannot trust his own angels and has charged some of them with folly, how much less will he trust those made of clay! Their foundation is dust, and they are crushed as easily as moths. They are alive in the morning, but by evening they are dead, gone forever without a trace. Their tent collapses; they die in ignorance.Job 4:12-21 (NLT)

friday!! i'm gonna fly.
very intense week this week in trems of coding.
after finishing up analysis and design, we've found out this is 50-thousand-line-of-code-project. we've got... well... a month to implement.that means hell.
five coders. one month. 50 thousand.
what's the hell. we can do it. I will do it.
i'll have my first ulcer by the end of this project as a software geek.
what's the hell. i will do it.
but can i take it easy this weekend?
'cause i need to dirnk as much as i can before i step into the hell.

Shiny. Yellowy green with brown antennae and red go-faster stripes on the back legs. Seemingly a cross between a cricket and the violently green tiny fruit flies that I used to mush up for their DNA. But they were freeze dried, so they didn’t know. The green ones gave the best DNA pellets too, the little brown crunchy ones had hardly any and the fat beige ones always wound up with masses of pink floating proteins that gave masking problems in the PCR.

I think the fall from the roof stunned him, but he’s woken up now and is waving his antennae at me. Hello bug, I’m sorry I’ve mashed so many of your brethren. Are you a him? There’s something ever so masculine about the busy way you’re exploring your surroundings, traversing the various scraps and piles of paper before me. Does it seem odd to you, bug, these unnatural colours that mark the bleached pages? Can bugs seecolour? They must, on some level, be able to distinguish the different wavelengths or what purpose would there be in all those hieroglyphic markings that looks so readable under the microscope?

He disappears behind a stack of paper. I wonder why he crawls, when he has those glittery cellophane wings?

I was offered the job that I interviewed for on Tuesday yesterday. Of course, I accepted. As is the norm with many companies, the job is contingent on me passing a drug test and physical. I did the drug test today, and the physical is on Monday. I'm excited. This position means I will be making about $11,000 more per year than I was at my old job. The money isn't everything of course, but it sure helps!

This means many things for me, primarily that I will be able to get out of debt faster than expected since I'll have enough to live on plus pay more per month on certain bills. I will be able to get better health insurance since the company I have right now through my old job is probably the worst insurance company I've ever had to deal with. I will also be able to save up for a new car and possibly a house!

The next couple of weeks will probably be tight money wise since I have barely any money left from quitting my old job, and I do not want to cash out my IRA for tax reasons since I have a job now. I will finish getting some books and other stuff listed on eBay this weekend and hopefully that will provide some extra to tide me over. I'm mainly concerned about the rent and all the other stuff that comes due at the end of the month, and if I'll have a paycheck by that time to pay it. I have plenty of food to eat since my mother made sure I was stocked up with soup for the next decade when I moved out in February. If worse comes to worse, Top Ramen is 5 for $1 at WinCo.

I miss him already.

Alex went away for the weekend to California to visit relatives, and I miss him already. I know, its only for the weekend, and he's back on Monday morning, but still... I miss him already. I have to take care of Alia (his kitty) this weekend, so when I'm over there tomorrow I'm going to use his new scanner to scan the books and CD's I need to put on eBay.

I have things to do this weekend, so at least I won't have time to mope or be pathetic because I miss him. Tonight I'm going to go see Pete and Corey's new apartment, and probably go out for coffee or something with them. Tomorrow morning I'm going to go see my half-sisters play soccer, then go over to my sister's to get her housekeys so I can take care of her cat next week while she's out of town. I am Queen Cat-Sitter it seems since this weekend its Alia, and next weekend its Opus, my sister's cute kitty.

For now, I will bid you all farewell, and get something to eat since my stomach is screaming at me to feed it.

Today’s Horoscope on my Calendar - Pour the champagne! Celestial alignments make this a truly stellar day in the arts, social affairs, and love ties. Enrich your life with happy encounters, but keep your signature off legal papers. Dine in royal fashion.

He's trying to make my world smaller and crueler. I'm not sure I can prevent him from doing that. If I were braver, stronger, better able to defend myself, maybe. But I'm alone and small and legally prevented from attacking him while he's outside.

My pervert / stalker is coming by about once a week now. The police officer who came over tonight was very nice, but still could offer nothing to help. Even if they caught the guy, they could only charge him with indecent exposure - a $300 to $500 fine. Fine. And what are the odds that they'll catch him? The response time is not so good because I live in a low crime neighborhood. All of the patrolmen are up in the worse areas - which is the way it should be.

I just hate this contraction of my world. The fact that a stranger can come like a wolf at my door. That I'm afraid to go out alone at night. Afraid to come back alone. Afraid to be here alone. I don't know if he's going to hurt me. I don't know if he's going to rape me. I don't know if he's going to kill me.

It's not right! Other people should not be able to make me feel this way! I've got enough going on in my life without this! WHY does the law say I can't shoot him while he is outside and I am in? He IS threatening me. I definitely feel threatened.

At least this opportunity to rant seems to help. Thank for lending me your eyes.