Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
5479

Man-To-Man Talk
A middle-aged father came into the room with his laptop and asked his teenage son to sit down.
"Son," he said, "I think it's time to talk to you about pornography."
"What about it, Dad?" the son asked.
"How the hell can I get past the filters without your mother knowing?" Ryan Murphy

Tuesday

Joke
N°
5480

Blonde Deputy
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to interview for the job.
"OK," the sheriff drawled, "What is one plus one?"
"Eleven," replied the blonde.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then he asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow," replied the blonde.
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" asked the sheriff.
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her friends were waiting to hear the results of the interview. "How did it go?" they asked.
"It went great!" the blonde exclaimed. "First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!" Ryan Murphy

Wednesday

Joke
N°
5481

Two Rabbits
Two rabbits were chased by a pack of wolves into a dense thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?" Ryan Murphy

Thursday

Joke
N°
5482

Blonde Paint
Q: Did you hear about the new paint color, "blonde"?
A: It's not very bright, but it spreads easy. Ryan Murphy

Friday

Joke
N°
5483

Flight To Mars
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch: He couldn't return to earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million" he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear: "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep one million and we'll send the engineer." Ryan Murphy

Saturday

Joke
N°
5484

Ugly Baby
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver took one look at the child and said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey." Ryan Murphy

Sunday

Joke
N°
5485

New Nursing Home
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who had just celebrated his 95th birthday. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't give him the care he needed any longer and decided to take him to a nursing home.
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly, the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.
A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.
Then he started leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.
Around this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"
"It's OK," he said. "But, they won't let me fart." Ryan Murphy