Friday, April 18, 2014

Ya, I know…lame title.This post goes on and on…sorry for the rambling.Trust. I've truly trusted Sir for so many yearsthat I can't remember when I didn't trust him. But there's always levels of trust isn't there? I trust him implicitly…but here's the thing…something changed today.

So this morning as we were laying in bed - talking in our snugly, warm, intertwined space.

Sir saying "maybe you should," do XYZ. I said, "yes sir." and I quietly added "you know you don't have to ask you can just tell." But then I felt this inkling of one topping from the bottom and that didn't settle well with me.So then I continued on "I hope you don't mind me saying that. It's just that sometimes I think you forget that it's submitting that really turns me on. It's you dominating that really turns me on. I want to submit. It feeds me and fills me.It settles me it calms me it nourishes me it excites me."He quickly replied,"You know sometimes we remind each other of things.I remind you of the submissive you want to be of the submissive you need to be. And sometimes you, my love, remind me of the dominant that I am."(and right there…I melted)We continued to talked about submission. We got around to yesterday, when he commanded me to masturbate and cum.He asked me about what I fantasize about. I told him my fantasy, but that's another post. but in short...The fantasy included more than one person. I continued on to clarify that I don't fantasize about other people - in the bubble. "You know I love the thought of it, not because I just want to be with other people, but because I want you command me to do it.I do fantasize about being used about being objectified, but I fantasize about it in conjunction with my submission. I want to submit to you. I want to do … whatever…ONLY if it pleases you! If it doesn't please you, it's not something I would fantasize about." (sometimes I feel like I don't explain things really well)This is really an important clarification to me because we talk a lot in our relationship about fantasies involving other people -never specific people -just others and it's important to me that he understands that I don't fantasize about fucking other people randomly I fantasize about him commanding me to please someone else, him watching me I fantasize about him allowing others to use me,Him making me. It's that control it's that submission it's that dominance that's at the core of my fantasies. Now I've known that for a little bit but verbalizing it was such a different act a more meaningful act (maybe it was scary.)He latches on to the submission that I was talking about.and he says…something that he regularly says…"You know fiona,you can't be too submissive."I hear him, I hear his words but my brain doesn't really comprehend or trust thatbecause I've been large-and-in-charge for so long and I'm sassy and full of...let's just say…spirit (that would be a nice word)right so I'm full of spirit and I know he loves that,but this is where it got really intimate and really honest and really raw. "You know I say this all the time but it scares me.It scares me that you're going to change and not want this anymore. It scares me that I'm going to give all of me at some point you'll be done dominating me." You know we were for all practical purposes, switches for over two decades. DECADES. I have this deep seeded fear that if I truly give all of me to my deep-seeded need to submit, that I'll be lost if he changes his mind. We are in the midst Of huge life changes right now. Ohholyhell, the stress of life changes! It was the super-storm-of-life-changes last time that brought about our cemented D/s roles that we're in now. So what if we come out the other side of this and we're changed again but instead of it being for the better it's for the worse? If I'm All in,if I am giving myself completely submitting completely,how can I recover from that? That's the scary for part of this place that's what worries me, that's what my nightmares are made of! okay, we'll maybe that's a little melodramatic,but it does really scare me. But my Sir was up to the challenge He held me close and he said all the right things.He said that he'll never be done. That this … him Dominating me,will not end.That Dominating me turns him on,that me submitting,me being a good girl,a good submissive girl,turns him on.That He wants this.That He's grown into this,that He's embraced his inner Domand he wants more.He explained what he sees for our future,how he wants us both to grow.I was inspired,I was in awewonderlove…not just love...desperate love!We hug and kiss and touchand then he controlledand commandedand Dominated!

Thursday, April 17, 2014

I laughed,
I thought,
I listened,
I talked
(I did not boss too much - yea!)
I was entertained,
I was inspired,
I was intrigued,
I was embarrassed,
I was comfortable,
I was content.

I started out with hugs for sofia and her Sir
then met sofia's Sir's family
and their beautiful, darling, amazing new members of the human race.

Oh…they are very, very cute!

those little grunts and stretches
those ridiculously itty-bitty fingers
and a mama who is beaming, deservedly so.

Then…

We went to lunch, sofia, sofia's Sir, and me.
sofia rode with me and we followed her Sir.
I paid absolutely no attention to where I was going,
it was nice to just follow… ;)

We sat at a booth and talked for…
a looooong time.

I had planned on a couple of hours and
it snuck into three hours…
and I could have stayed and talked for much longer.

We told stories,
shared histories,
and solved the worlds problems.

sofia's Sir did tell me about her birthday…
and it starting with her spanking.
sofia turned fire-engine-red and she covered her face.

We also delved into the topic of a dungeon
in a town that we have all been to (the town not the dungeon,
only her Sir had been to the dungeon).

I loved that we could delve into kink and vanilla alternately
with no awkwardness.
What a gift!

What was most wonderful was to see how her Sir
talked about her.
At one point sofia went to the bathroom and
he waxed poetic about what she does and who she is.
He was very clearly proud of her.
It was so … really inspiring.

Three hours was fabulous and about 18 hours too short!

After I got home…I texted sofia…
"why didn't we take a picture???"

UGH - sorry :(

sofia is comfortable, supportive, content, easy
(no…not THAT easy) easy to get along with and be around.

Thanks again for lunch sofia (and your Sir),
and thanks for your friendship!

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Happiness is …knowing I get to have lunch with ….sofia(inlovingsubmission)…tomorrow!!!!Can't wait!-----------------------------------------------------She asked if we were blogging it…and I said I didn't care, but that I get into trouble (at least last time)for being…(or coming across as…because of course I'm not really)too bossy.I've promised to be on my best behavior.Wish me luck =)

Friday, April 11, 2014

Oh, those embarrassing aftereffectsof anal sex…or a good anal dildo fucking isinsertion of air into the system….Newton said that what goes up must come down…well…what goes in must come out.

Sometimes there are some oh so not-sexy parts of this whole sex thing.I am so grateful that Sir is NEVER shocked or grossed-outabout ANYTHING. He's just a body realist.He's always been that way.When I had my period (thankyougod I don't have to deal with that anymore),blood was just not that big of a deal.When I would inadvertently pass gaswhile being fucked in the ass - no biggie.If I gag when he fucks my mouth,he pats my cheek and tells me I'm a good girl.When I would squirt juices all over the place,He'd smile and show me his hand.It's all normal and part of our bodies.I work on my mortification…he helps.I have a ways to go.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

So I had a funny conversation with Sir the other day after my experienceof him sending me flying and yanking me back."I wanted to talk to you about something.""OK""Well, you know"*blushing*"um, subspace isn't"*blushing some more*"well, um, it's is not amental place where I am feeling particularly submissive"silence."It's, um…more of…well it's more of a place of…no, it's a place that I've gotten to whereI feel like I'm having an out of body experience,where I'm floating away.It's when you've spanked and spanked meand I'm tense or moaning or reacting a lot and then all of a sudden I'm quiet and completely relaxed.For me, it's that moment when I transition, that I no longer feel the pain, it's only pleasure and it's like I'm watching myself experience the moment.I don't know.""Well, then, I'll have to make sure you stay out of that space, won't we?!"WHAT? NOOOOO!"Sir? But I love it. It's such an amazing experience.""Yes, but I want you to feel all of it.I want you in the moment…not beyond it.I want you to respond every time. We'll see."OK, I don't think this conversationwent the way I was expecting it to,but I am grateful that we are clearer on definition…as clear as I can be whenI can't explain it very well.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Holy Cow! I don't even know where to start.Last night I was filled to overflowing,literally and figuratively!Ohmygawd.OK. Ok…let me rewind.Sir has been really …DominantWith a capital D.I am beyond grateful. I desperately need …YES - N.E.E.D. that!!!!So yesterday he was clear about his expectations.Sadly, after parentingand household choresand my homeworkwe were getting to bed later than we had wanted.I was exhausted and Sir was tired,so I thought we may forgo any type of activity.Um…I guess not.As soon as we were in the room,he walked stalked up to meand stripped me.(I love him taking my clothes off!)He roughly turned me around andbent me over the bed.He walked away and pulled out our toy box.He took out a loop of rope and bound my wrists together and tied it to the other side of the bed.

The act of tying me up is so erotic to me.The letting go, mentally, physically.It's immediate and complete.After feathered to the bed,he returned behind me andbegan to spankwith his handjust a fewhardhits.Then he switched to the cane.He started slowly and seemed tohit 20 strikes, then a hard one.He struck my ass…all over.My foot popped up at one point,after a particularly hard strike,(you've done that, right??)Well…that resulted in my footbeing struck rather harshlywith the cane and a strict reprimand to stay in position.

I have to say, having him hit my feet…hurt.was a great reprimand.worked.So…things get fuzzy.Sir was requiring me to look atsome videos that he had foundand if I got - I don't know - distracted maybeby the beating my ass was getting,he would ask me what was happening in the video.He wouldn't let me fly.There was no subspace.There was the moment,and like it or not,I was to be present to it.OK, So I liked it!!He then commanded me to put my knees on the side of the bed,effectively putting my ass high in the air.He lubed up my ass completely,then gently, thankgod, gently,slid the LARGE pink dildo into my ass.As soon as it was inserted, up to the imitation balls,He let it sit there and spanked my ass again.When he had enough, he switched back to fucking my ass with the dildo.It was intense. Seriously intense.In retrospect, now that I'm sitting here typing,I'm praying that I didn't scream too loud.He fucked hard and fast and I came and came.He shoved it in and pulled it AllTheWayOut.Then he shoved it back inside.He repeated this over and over and overand over and over and over and over.My ass was so loose, it was insane.He shoved it in and then walked around the bed.He pushed my shoulders flat on the bed and lay in front of me.I asked him if I could lay down,and he said no.I have no idea what he did or how long it wasfelt like forever.He just had me on my kneeschest on the bed,hands bound and tied out in front of me,with a gigantic dildo in my ass and he…relaxed.After a llllllooooooooonnnnnnnnnngggggggggg time,he got back up.He pulled me forward a bit, as my hands were tied,just to get me so he could clamp my nipples.He clamped them hard and back,then pushed my chest back to the bed.I was breathing through the pain,through the intensity, when I felt him behind me again.He was there in a split second, I swear.Then he…ohmygawd, this is so embarrassing.Then he….thenhepushedthegiganticpurpledildointomypussy.That is soooo embarrassing to admit,I don't know why.He fit that enormous purple dildo inside of meWHILE the large pink dildo was firmly seated in my ass.He gave me a minute to adjust andthen he fucked.He fucked them hard,in and out.The purple dildo he didn't take all the way out,but the pink one he did…my slutty holes were so stretched outand I felt like such a whore.I felt so turned onI felt so humbledI felt so at his mercyso submissiveso desirousso hornyso fucking good!!!!I came like a motherfucking freight train…over and over and over.I don't know what happened…between the insane orgasms and him pulling me off the bed…my hands untied,everything cleaned up,shower started.I was sooooo cold.I know that the endorphins mess with you,but I can't remember being so cold before.He led me by the hand to the bathroom,he took out my ponytail,took off my jewelry,and put me in the shower.I washed my hair, and when I rinsed it,he was standing on the outside of the shower.He commanded me to come to him.I stood, still inside the shower,and he reached in and with the soap and washcloth,washed me…head to toe.I felt so taken care of,so cherished,so protected,so loved.It was one of the most intense nights of my life.And he made it extraordinarily special!What a lucky girl!

Saturday, April 5, 2014

OK, so abby's Master had asked a question about how a spanking was before and after cumming,so last night, Sir decided to find out.He tied my hand and secured them tothe other side of the bed.I appreciate that so much when he spanks me hard, because I can't rear upand don't have to really work hard on staying in position, I can relaxI can enjoy, I can fly.He cropped hard,leaving hugs stripes.It was stingy and ouchand painful.But the pain turns to heat.Heat turns to pleasure.

But I feel each of the strokesand it's a progression frompain to pleasure.FAST FORWARD….many many orgasms,OhMYGODMANYORGASMS!Sir reaches over andstarts to spank me,hard, with his hand,Holy hell, did you know that someones hand canbe THAT hard?But here's the thing,I felt no pain,I ONLY felt pleasure.and although I have been spankedto a phenomenal orgasm before,it always took time. Time for the pain to turn tosuch sweet pleasure.But after an orgasm,it's all pleasure and because my pumps were primed, so to speak,I came immediately.But the pleasure wasindescribable!

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

So, I was an absolute disaster today.I was belligerent, frustrated, combative,a general pain in the ass…I fought with Sir, several times throughout the morning.Late afternoon, I was driving to the drug store and talking to Sir on the phone. He said, "You know, you and I had something good going for a while,but ……."At that, I stopped listening and and andsimply fell apart.I was crushed. I have been fighting him…fighting his Dominance and seriously fighting my submission.But, BUT…I didn't want it to be overand it sounded like he was done with that.I know we are rock solid as a married couple and we'll find our way through anything but I was sure he was done with being my Dom.When I came home, I cried and cried.I was so upset!We talked…we went for a long walk and talked.I told him that I was at loose ends,that I was fighting my submission(to which I got a serious, no shit response from him)but that when he said that, I was crushed.He…oh God, the things he said melted my heart.He told me that for years and years we switched…that he found fulfillment in our switching,but that he knew it wasn't natural, for lack of a better word, for me.(WOW - I can't believe he knew that).That he knew I was naturally submissive to him.And over the years, he's really learned to loveDominating me. That it works for us. That it won't stop.He said that he is kind of at a loss when I fight so damn muchagainst his Dominance, though.He had a suggestion, that he will work on bringing me back in line and loving me where I am.But if I'm simply not able to submit, that I could have a safe word.Now we've NEVER had safe words that we have used before(Ya, ya, I know that's not how you're supposed to do it…but it works for us because we've been together FOREVER).But we would have a safe word that meant that I was simplyNOT able to submit and he would stop, or try to stop,for that day. BUT NOT LONGER. He would love me and be kind and caring for the rest of the day,but he would not dominate me at all. So I need to be careful and clear.He asked me to pick a word and I asked if he would.We laughed over several possibilities and …ready for it …

he settled on "corndog". I don't even eat those…neither does he.We laughed and agreed and I have to tell you,I feel more in love with this amazing wonderfulhusband, friend, Dom tonight,than I have in the many many many years we've been together.