Date: Sun, 27 Jan 2013 17:12:03 +0000
From: Keith
Subject: Coming out at Uni - Part 5
Coming out at Uni - Part 5
Disclaimer: Each part of this story may contain vulgar language and
descriptions of gay sexual activity. If such things are likely to upset
you, or you are underage to read this material in your jurisdiction you
should leave now.
This is a work of fiction, and none of the characters are real people.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
As Jake slept, I sat there trying to evaluate what had happened. I had just
kissed my straight best friend on the forehead, my drunk best friend, who I
thought had passed out, but whose eyes flickered and mouth smiled in the
aftermath of my mistake.
What could I do when he woke up? My best hope, and quite a good bet given
how much he had drunk, was that he wouldn't remember it happening. There
was a fair chance that his last coherent memory would be some time at the
disco, and I would be filling him in on how he got back to his room, not to
mention his state of undress. I could then omit the small matter of my
gesture of love towards my best friend, he would take some ibuprofen to
ease his hangover, and we could return to normal.
But what if he remembered the kiss? Maybe I could pretend I was drunk too,
and had momentarily got him confused with a girl. That might ring true
except for the fact that Jake knew I didn't have a girlfriend, might even
set him thinking about how I'd never had a girlfriend.
Why did he smile, I suddenly thought, diverting myself from the main
question. Perhaps he thought it had been Em, but, as I'd addressed him as
"mate", surely that wasn't right? Maybe he just liked the kiss? But it
wasn't exactly erotic - it had only been a peck on the forehead.
God, maybe he already knew I was gay, maybe he smiled because he wanted me
to come out, because he saw it as a lever to get me to confess, he would be
fine with it. Maybe he even knew about my crush on him for the last four
years and was fine with it. My heart so wanted this to be true, but my head
told me that this wasn't just wishful thinking, we had moved into the
realms of fantasy, and if I believed that, then I was just one step from
being taken away by the men in white coats.
Where did this leave me and Josh? Not more than five minutes before I had
forced myself on Jake, I had kissed Josh goodnight, and meant it. I really
liked Josh, I had been hoping to continue my exploration of gay sex with
him tonight, before Jake had gotten drunk and needed my care. I had been
thinking about Josh becoming my boyfriend and had thought that this meant I
was moving on from my crush on Jake, but undressing Jake, and seeing him
lying there had stirred up all my old feelings.
I wished there was something I could do to distract myself from these
thoughts, but there wasn't anything. We hadn't even started our first term,
so there was nothing to read, no notes to review, no coursework to think
about. Just me and my guilt, and my worry that I had given away my secret
and that it was all going pear-shaped.
In my head, Jake's eyes opened and he smiled again. His hand appeared from
under the blanket and grabbed my arm, pulling me onto the bed with him. My
mouth met his, our tongues fighting for supremacy in each other's mouths,
our bodies grinding together. He gently bit my ear, sucking it for a while,
before nuzzling my neck on his tongue's route to my nipples, swirling
around each one before nipping them with his teeth, and then continuing on,
licking down past my bellybutton towards my now hard cock. He lapped at my
balls and spread his saliva all over my engorged penis, now sucking at the
end and gradually taking more and more into his mouth. His lips moved up
and down my cock, each time taking a little more in, and eventually taking
the head of my penis into his throat. His fingertips now traced the circles
around my nipples that his tongue had done earlier, and I could feel my
balls contracting and my body tensing, as the semen made its way into my
cock and then I could feel myself about to erupt.
I suddenly jumped off the chair. Oh fuck. I realised I had fallen
asleep. Jake was still asleep on his side, hadn't stirred in fact, only the
gentle rise and fall of the blanket giving any indication he was still
alive. I was painfully erect, my tight jeans making it uncomfortable. I
stood up and moved to the window, opening it slightly in the hope that some
cold air might offer some relief.
I leant on his window sill, staring at the road many storeys below, but not
really seeing anything. This was getting worse. I knew I had a crush on
Jake, but I'd never dreamt this vividly about him and me in a sexual
context. The only silver lining here was that this was purely in my head
and Jake couldn't possibly know about it, in reality I still only had to
reconcile the peck on the forehead I had planted when I covered him over,
and there was still a good chance he wouldn't remember it anyway. But the
dream disturbed me; was my embryonic relationship with Josh doomed to fail
if I was going to dream this erotically about Jake? Only this afternoon I
had dreamed of Josh while napping on his bed, but nothing as sexually
charged as the dream from which I had just woken.
I switched on his reading lamp on the desk and turned off the main light,
so that the room as a whole became darker, and more conducive to rest. A
glance at his alarm clock showed that it was about 3:00 am, I must have
dozed for quite a while. As my cock softened, I felt an urge to pee. A
quick look at Jake suggested that he wasn't about to vomit, so I picked up
his keys and quickly went to relieve myself.
When I got back, I closed the door again and resumed my seated vigil, close
to his head. He must have sensed the movement somehow, because this time
his eyes did open blearily, but there was no smile. "My fucking head," he
croaked. "Why are you sat there, Harry?"
"Me and Josh had to carry you back, mate. You were out of it. I told him I
couldn't leave you on your own in case you puked."
"Oh. Can you get me some water, and some Nurofen from my drawer? If I move
it's like there's someone hitting my head with a mallet."
"Sure." I moved around his room quietly, getting the things he'd requested.
"Did I undress myself?" I heard from behind me as I stood at his sink
filling a pint glass with water.
"You couldn't even move mate," I laughed trying to lighten the
atmosphere. "I had to do it." I passed him the water and two Nurofen
tablets.
"Oh," he said again, putting the tablets in his mouth and washing them down
with a large swig of water.
"Finish drinking it," I advised, "it'll help rehydrate your body and the
next time you wake up the headache will have eased." He did as I said, and
lay back down.
"You can go now Harry," he said quietly. "I'll be alright now, and you must
be knackered. Thanks for staying with me."
"What are friends for? Goodnight." I opened his door and then stepped back
to turn off his lamp: the light from the corridor would be sufficient for
me to make my escape.
"Night mate."
I had mixed feelings when I opened up my room next door and let myself
in. Short term, it looked like I'd got away with the kiss; as I hoped he
had no memory of even getting back to his room, let alone any of the
subsequent events. This merely (merely!) left me the task of analysing my
feelings to determine where this left me and Josh. As I undressed and
cleaned my teeth, there was even a small part of me that was sorry Jake
hadn't remembered the kiss; it would at least have forced the issue and
might have been my route to coming out to Jake. I would have to have a talk
with Jen about all this - she had been a good listener and friend so far
since we met, and I trusted that would continue. As soon as I lay down,
sleep took me.
Jake, Josh and I were stood in a group by the canal, next to the bridge
where Josh and I had kissed the previous afternoon. Jake and Josh were
facing each other, Jake trying to accentuate the height difference between
him and Josh, and Josh also trying to look bigger so as not to appear
intimidated. "You don't stand a chance," Jake said to the smaller
boy. "He's loved me for four years and you think you can take him from me
just like that?"
I was rooted to the spot, and mute. "You can't give him what he wants,"
replied Josh. "I can and I will." He pulled me between him and Jake,
pressing his mouth to mine, his open eyes still watching Jake. His tongue
forced my lips apart and started to probe inside, his hands wandering
downwards, moving inside my jeans and resting on my ass.
Suddenly, he released his hold on me, sweeping me aside to meet Jake as my
friend moved forward. They both raised their arms, pushing at each other's
chests to prevent themselves colliding in their anger. "Please, stop it!" I
cried, "I love you both!"
"You can't love us both," said Jake. "It's him or me."
"Gonna be me, loser," answered Josh. "He can lie with me, kiss me and be
kissed. Suck me and be sucked. Fuck me and be fucked. What can you offer? A
fucking one-armed hug? Face it he's mine."
"I'll show you the fucking loser," roared Jake. He lifted up his arms to
break Josh's arms away and then pushed back in to Josh's chest. He heaved
forward, but Josh had anticipated this move and had braced his small frame
to defy Jake's efforts. I moved forward finally to break them apart, but
got engulfed in the pushing and shoving, and suddenly I had been spun round
and was heading backwards off the path and struck the water.
I jumped again, awake now. Fuck, I thought, these dreams were just so
disturbing. I got up and followed the advice I had given Jake next door,
taking some ibuprofen and drinking water. I got back into bed and finally,
mercifully, moved into a dreamless sleep.
I woke late the next morning feeling not too bad. I hadn't actually drunk
that much really, and the dancing would have burned a lot of it off before
it had any effect. For some reason, the Hall didn't do any food on
Saturdays, so I tipped some granola into a bowl and padded quickly to the
kitchen to pour some milk on from the fridge and returned to my room to
eat.
I showered and got dressed, and decided I needed to find something to
occupy myself, so gathered up my gear, selected some loud rock music on my
iPod, and headed for the gym at the sports centre, deliberately choosing
the road rather than the canal path.
It was quite busy when I got there, obviously a lot of the students were
taking the chance to work out before the pressure of studies (or the
distraction of socialising) started to monopolise their time, but there
were several trainers on duty in anticipation of this. I joined three other
students in being given a tour of the gym by one of the female trainers;
she showed us how to use the equipment safely, which I knew already, as I
used the gym at home, although probably not as often as I should. She
didn't take long, about 15 minutes, and then I moved into a routine. I
didn't want to just run, as the monotony would allow me to get all
introspective again, so I did a quick 10 minute warm up on the cross
trainer before moving into a resistance and core workout, the variation and
concentration on remembering the weights and setting up each machine to
suit my size and limits preventing me from dwelling on searching for a
meaning to my dreams and actions last night. I wasn't working out to build
lots of muscle, just to tone up with low weights and high reps, which would
hopefully boost my metabolism and help to burn calories faster.
Once I had done all my sets on the equipment, and my core routine on the
mats, I moved onto a bike to finish the session, setting it for 20 minutes
to cover a randomly changing resistance to keep altering my effort to pedal
at the same rate, but nothing too strenuous. Again, the regular change in
intensity diverted my concentration away from my thoughts. When I finished
I showered again, careful not to let my eyes wander - I neither wanted to
lead anyone's thoughts to me checking out them or anyone else, nor did I
need to complicate my own thoughts any further.
As I left the sports centre, I got my mobile out and texted Jen, "u up?
meet for lunch?" as I walked towards the heart of the campus. As it started
to ring, I could see she was calling me, and I answered it. "I really need
to talk to you. You up for lunch?"
We met up in the refectory, and wanting to continue my healthy start to
university life (the alcohol aside) I decided on some grilled chicken
breasts with salad and a lime dressing, while Jen had a beef enchilada with
guacamole. We found a table a little way away from anyone else and sat down
with our food. "Go on then," she urged.
I told her about everything that had happened after we parted at the disco
last night. Undressing Jake and putting him to bed last night with the
kiss. The thinking I had done while watching him. The dream after I nodded
off in the chair. The fact that Jake didn't appear to remember any of
it. The second dream after I got back to my room. "What does it all mean?"
I asked her, thinking that ironically, in different circumstances it would
be Jake, my best friend, that I would approach to make sense of all this.
She had been listening carefully, but carried on eating her lunch in
silence. Eventually, she put down her knife and fork together on the empty
plate, and said, "to be honest, I haven't got a clue. You're seriously
mixed up, hiding your true feelings from just about everyone except me,
which is kind of flattering I suppose. I think you actually need to know
how Jake feels about you being gay; until you have the answer to that one,
you can't resolve anything else."
"But you know I'm not ready to go through with that yet," I responded. "Can
I love Josh, or am I just kidding myself?"
"I think you've got feelings for him," she said after a moment's
reflection. "But you're not sure what he sees in you, which is your
inferiority complex again. You think of yourself as nerdy and unattractive,
hence the visit to the gym and the healthy lunch," she said, nodding
towards my plate, "which you're not, hence in your dream Josh only defended
his relationship with you in physical terms, and not emotional ones. Once
you see that he's really fond of you already, and wants to be with you for
you and not just to get off, then maybe you can make a go of it with him
without feeling guilty about dumping Jake, which is absurd really as you're
not in a relationship with him and never have been."
"Wow, you sure you're an engineer? You should be a psychologist."
"I dunno about that," she replied, "I'm just saying what I think based on
my long experience of girlie magazines. I might be barking up the wrong
tree entirely. The other option is that you believe that on some level Jake
already knows your feelings for him and is ready to reciprocate."
"No, I don't think so. Jake's as straight as they come. I wish I knew what
he thought about homosexuality in general, then I could judge whether I can
come out to him or not."
"How has it never come up in all the years you've known him?"
"Cos we live in a town where the subject just doesn't arise. I don't know
anyone in our hometown who's gay, so there's no-one to talk to Jake
about. Like I said to Josh the other day, I don't even know how my parents
feel about it. They go to church every week, but on the whole they're quite
liberal Christians the way they live and all. I don't have any idea how
they'd react to their only kid being gay. I know my mum sees a future
involving grandkids, so she's not gonna be over the moon I'm sure."
"There's ways round that..."
"Hey, we're getting a bit ahead here. I've never even had a steady
boyfriend and now we're discussing my children?"
"That was all you, you brought it up," she laughed. "Anyway, reality
check. Your parents are a medium to long term issue. Right now, you need to
sort out where you stand with Jake and Josh. And then when we're done with
your soap opera, you can help me find a nice young lady to fall in love
with!"
Just then my phone buzzed. I had a message from Josh. "assume ur up. went
to ur room but no answer. want 2 c u. x"
"Make that your first step then," Jen offered, having read the message at
the same time as me. "We'll head back and you can go and see what he
wants."
"Might as well I suppose," I replied. "It's as good a plan as any other."
"Be with u in 20.x" I texted to Josh.
"Come on then," I said to Jen and pulled her into a hug.
"Put me down," she chuckled. "What's that all about?"
"For being such a good friend even though we only met a few days ago. I
don't know how I'd be coping without you."
"You'd sort it out," she said. "You're stronger than you think; you just
need to believe in yourself and worry less."
"Yeah, easier said than done though. I wonder what Josh wants."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
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