Friday, May 30, 2008

I know, I know...I said I'd start packing, and I haven't yet. Mebbe we'll get some boxes over the weekend and finish the little things off.I hate packing, in truth...but once I get going, there's no stopping me, says I.Well, went to Cedar Point on Wednesday, hosted a sleep over for the event on Tuesday, yesterday we walked about 1/3 of the way to Don & Rhonda's (cause I wanted to, surprisingly my feet/legs weren't sore from Cedar Point), and got nothing going on (so far) tonight.Tomorrow Christian (Chance's friend) will be coming over (mebbe for a sleepover as well).Busy busy busy.I'm surprised the house is staying as clean as it is.I have almost given up completely on doing any form of school-work with Darius, and consider myself a failure as a teacher. Maybe if I had more time away, more time for me, or more time without kids sucking the life out of me, I could do it.I miss home..my allergies are kicking up with all the nice weather, and everybody and their damned dog mowing their lawns every other fucking minute cause they're a bunch of tight-wad-good-for-nothing-assholes. (Okay, now that I've gotten that out of my system). Honestly, they never DO anything in their yards, so why the fuck do they need to be so god damned perfect?! The annoying noise of lawnmowers, and weed eaters, and hedge trimmers keeps Hunter awake during nap time, and bothers me when I go outside to play with the boys.I need to find me a good medicine for allergies and be done with it.I've been on the verge of negativity for what feels like forever now I suppose.I was examining my photos from everywhere the past few days, and came to one conclusion...my husband doesn't really touch me in any of them, if he does, it's a couple of finger-tips on the elbow, and he doesn't hold me in one unless he's been instructed to. Does anyone else find it odd?It bums me out...I look like some sort of pathetic clinger in all of our photos, and he just stands (or sits) there like I'm no where's in the area. I am feeling the sting of not having any physical affection, or kind words, or something meaningful in our relationship. I don't get hugs, cuddles, snuggles, foot rubs, back rubs, hand holding, a kind stroke of the face...nothin. I don't get to sleep on someone's shoulder, I don't even get to rest my feet in his lap from time to time. Apparently, just the mere weight of any of my limbs is too much to bear and makes him feel smothered.I can tell someone I love them until I'm blue in the face...but if I don't show it, how are they going to believe me?Even baby monkies go crazy when they are denied physical affection from their parents...it has an adverse side effect on them, why should we be any different?Is this what I'm doomed to be with the rest of my life? Always going to other people to give me a hug because I can't even get one from my own husband? The kids will grow up someday, and someday they're not going to want all of the extra kisses and snuggles I give them...then I'm going to be really hooped.I'm lonely.

About Me

Amber

I am a walking contradiction. I'm honest to a fault, but have learned to filter my thoughts to sting a little less. I'm growing at a glacial pace, and am inviting you to watch. It's about as much fun as watching paint dry, but at least you've got an invitation!