Sunday, May 4, 2008

Hello, and welcome back to the Tempies -- an award show honoring Hollywood's temporary employees. Nice to see everyone came back from the intermission. Clearly you couldn't come up with a good enough excuse to leave. Just give me a couple minutes and that'll change (rim shot). So let's see. We've got some celebrities with us in the audience tonight...

Elliot Spitzer, disgraced former Governor of New York is here. Who would have thought you'd come to the Tempies? I guess he heard it was an awards show honoring people who get paid by the hour and he couldn't resist.

Of course Bruce Vilanch is here. Now what would an awards show be with out Bruce Vilanch? Oh, I know...it would be FUNNY! Zing!

Who else is here? Wait, is that who I think it is? It's the adult film legend and star of the upcoming movie Zombie Strippers - Jenna Jameson. Wow! Nice to see you again Jenna. I almost forgot what you looked like from the front.

Well, lookee here. From the televised junior high talent show that is American Idol, Paula Abdul is here. Yes, everyone Paula is with us, but is she really WITH US? Can someone give her a tissue? She's drooling again.

Jamie Lynn Spears is with us tonight too...and with a baby on board. So, are you looking forward to being a mother? Wait. What's that you said? Your fetus is already pregnant? You're gonna be a grandmother at age 17? How beautiful. Here's a tip for Miley Cyrus, don't take Zoey 101 (wink wink).

Alright enough of this kibitzing let's find out who else will go home with a Golden Timesheet.

BEST INTERVIEW QUESTION -- And the winner is...(Name Omitted) with "Do you know how to ride a motorcycle?" Yes, it's true Temp X was asked this during an interview. "Sure," he responded, he noticed the interviewed scribble a note down "Oh, that's great!" Temp X smiled proudly. "But why?" "Well, sometimes (Name's) motorcycle needs to go to the shop. And you'd need to take it over there." [Honorable Mention: "What do you know about setting up paintball parties?"]

BEST PLACE TO GET LUNCH -- And the winner is...Cartoon Network. Crack out some Duran Duran because lunch time is Retro Hour at Cartoon Network. Temps often luncheon by themselves (a subject to be addressed soon), so if you're on your own, might as well have fun doing it. They've got a bunch of the original stand-up arcade games (Ms. Pacman, Centipede, Asteroids) to go with bean bag chairs and a 60 inch TV (with cable). It's a geeks' paradise. Which is lucky, because...well...you're dealing with college-educated people who like to make shows about talking Sponges.

BEST EXCUSE TO NOT HIRE -- For the seventh year in a row, the winner is...(Name Omitted) with, "It's not that you're too old, you just have too much experience." Interestingly enough, that's a line I usually hear when I get dumped too. Hey-o!

BEST CELEBRITY -- And the Tempie goes to...in an upset...Mr. T! Let's face it, assistants get somewhere between no respect and slightly less then no respect in this town. And temps have it worse. It's just a fact of life. But every once in a while you'll meet a celebrity who will not only say "Hello" but will engage you in conversation and sometimes even remember your name. T (you can call him T, it's ok) does all of this and more. While he didn't win in Rocky 3, he wins something even more valuable...our Hearts. Oh, and a Golden Timesheet. [Honorable Mention: Henry Winkler.]

Stay tuned for the dramatic conclusion of The Tempies and find out who the winner is of "Temp of the Year."

Temps are the lowest life form in Hollywood. They are lower than assistants. Lower than those in the mail room. Lower than everyone. Why? Because they are completely disposable. You don't like the temp. Get a new one. (Oh and we don't get health insurance, paid vacation, 401k, etc.) I am one of those barnacles on the hull of the good ship "Hollywood." These are my stories.