The Bachelor recap #9: Challenge accepted

You guys, I didn’t think it could happen, and last night it did.The Bachelor took us to new heights.Well, all of us but Raven.

Seriously, just when you think this show — notably, the Fantasy Suite episode — couldn’t get any more uncomfortable and weird and cringeworthy, it does.
And surprisingly and downright shockingly this time, it wasn’t because of Nick.

Grab a shot of liquid courage and something to hide behind, things are about to get awkward.

rhymes with dozer

Disclaimer:The following is a (sort-of-but-not-really) condensed representation of actual events that happened on The Bachelor.Some of the facts have been omitted, exaggerated, hypothesized, or what may be even harder to believe, told with complete accuracy.All opinions and judgements are my own—and probably yours as well—so no judging the recapper, only the actual players involved (obviously), because that’s what makes it so much fun.

In a happy turn of events, last night’s episode was only an hour. Do I think ABC is gross enough to purposely orchestrate that abbreviated ending to mirror Raven’s honest, yet questionably public and completely cringeworthy declaration?

We should have known things were — and next week, apparently still are — going to get *cough* sticky by the way the whole episode was set up. You know, that totally “unexpected” and completely not-scripted convo between Nick and Andi. The one that was totally and believably not concocted to 1.) let America know that Andi was not a ho for having sex with Nick in the Fantasy Suite three years ago and then being called out for it — by him — on ATFR, 2.) let us all know that Fantasy Suite sex is not only okay, but encouraged by ABC and feminists, and 3.) try to make us believe Nick has morals.

Here is pretty much how it went:

Nick opens the door and is “surprised” to see Andi, the one who started his Bachelor ball rolling, if you will.

Nick: What are you doing here?Andi: This is the hotel where Harrison and I have our love nest so I’m always here.Nick: I am surprised to see you. This is completely unexpected. We need to drink.Andi: I will have a tumbler of whiskey because I’m a guy’s girl. And proud of it.

They sit and sip their hipster amber liquid (Nick takes his on the rocks) and awkwardly discuss Nick’s journey and apparent insecurities. Andi is flip and slightly arrogant and I’m disappointed in myself for ever liking her. Then the real reason for this surprise visit is disclosed.

Andi: Are you going to have sex with any of them?Nick: I don’t know! I’m honestly torn!Me:

Nick: As a man I’m physically attracted to all of them … and I say this so America knows I am not gay … but I mean I really want this to work and if I’ve learned anything on my past three journeys on this show I’ve learned that having sex with me kills a relationship.

Then Andi slips on her attorney jacket and basically advises him to go for it … but steer clear of rape.

Andi: If you see potential with that girl and you both agree to take it to the next level then go for it and be intimate. You’re entitled!!Me:

She goes on with what she calls her “feminist rant” –Andi: You’re dating and respect three girls and you’ve met their families! IT’S YOUR RIGHT!Me:

Andi: And while I’m on the subject of Fantasy Suite sex, did you ever think you probably shouldn’t have basically called me a Ho on national television by saying that I shouldn’t have had sex with you if I knew I wasn’t going to end up with you? IT WAS MY RIGHT! I WAS ENTITLED!!Nick: Yeah, now I totally get it … and want to get it. I’m sorry.Andi: Thank you. But don’t let that whole experience hold you back now! Go forth! Get consent! Have all the sex! And if anyone calls you a Ho do not let it get you down! Write a book that no one will read and show up unexpectedly on future seasons!

Meanwhile, the remaining girls — who have no clue their virtue is currently being discussed over cocktails — are left standing to freeze to death in skimpy cocktail dresses and coats the producers made them leave open to see the skimpy cocktail dresses on the rooftop.

Vanessa is crying because she doesn’t feel special.
Rachel is nervous because she longs for Nick in a new way and is vulnerable.
Raven’s feelings are surprising her and she’s ready to accept a marriage proposal.
Corinne is confident because Nick knows her ALMOST to the core. #undiscoveredplatinumvagine

Nick shows up and passes out roses to everyone but … wait for it …

CORINNE, who immediately bursts into tears. I bet they taste like champagne.

As Nick walks her out she continuously apologizes (#notafeminist) and Nick tries to convince her she has nothing to regret or second guess. He, on the other hand, will forever regret not checking out the platinum vagine, but this isn’t about him.

In the limo of rejection, Corinne breaks down. “Why can’t I have a normal relationship?” she sobs.

Uh, let’s see … BECAUSE YOU ARE BATSHIT CRAZY.

She tells the limo therapist she’s done trying to show her men how much she cares. Her boobs will remain covered up from here on out. Then she slugs a glass of champagne and takes a nap.

The limo therapist doesn’t even try to wake her up.

The gang heads to Finland, which, obviously, is a “magical place to fall in love.”

Nick tells us that Fantasy Suite week gives you an amazing opportunity to connect.

On the plane he ponders and stares and scratches his nose in concentration for the cameraman leaning over the seat in front of him, trying to decide if he will have the sex that has proved to go so wrong for him every other time he’s been in this situation.

But once in Finland, he’s all smiles. Especially for Raven who gets the lucky first date (#noresidue).

And then he tells us this, which TBH is a bit of a spoiler if you ask me –

After an aerial view of Finland they end up at a local Finnish pub where they drink and play darts and have goofy fun with the locals. I have to admit, they seem to have a connection and are actually kind of adorable.

They’re also really easy with each other. After darts they sit by the fire and talk about Raven’s family visit and about normal things like how they’d split the chores (he’ll cook, she’ll fold the clothes). They also talk openly about the expectations of the whole Fantasy Suite — Raven is honest about being nervous — and Nick lies tells her he doesn’t have expectations. I hate how I like him in this moment. Their whole date seems so natural and normal and effortless and it makes me want to call this game right now and declare Raven the winner.

And that’s even before what’s about to come.
Or not come.

Later that evening Nick and Raven pretend to eat dinner set up for them in Sven’s cottage. Nick is wearing what can only be described as a super turtleneck.
Like seriously you guys. You cannot see his neck. It’s like a pedestal for his giant head.

It looks itchy.
Is it itchy, Nick?

Thought so.

Raven slugs wine and tells Nick the truly sad reason she’s never told a guy she loved him. Her ex — the one she walked in on having sex with someone else, remember the stiletto incident? — was basically a first class jackass. In the two years they were together he only told her he loved her when he was drunk.

I want to pause to yell at Raven for staying in that relationship and also ponder what it tells us about her self-respect, but I also don’t want to make this hour any longer than it needs to be, so I do not.

She goes on to tell Nick she never told her ex she loved him because she was afraid it wouldn’t be reciprocated, but with Nick, the man she’s known for all of a month and who has been simultaneously dating like 15 other women, she feels it.

“You have made it so easy for me to love you,” she says, fueled by many, many gulps of wine. “I’ve never felt like this in my entire life before.”

She’s crying.
Nick is crying.
I’M NOT CRYING, DAMMIT.

Of course, he cannot reciprocate her feelings, but she’s used to it so NBD.

Nick presents her with the Fantasy Suite card.
She reads it.
Tells him the Fantasy Suite is a big deal for her.
More gulps of wine.

Raven: I’ve only had sex with one man before, and as you know, he was a total asshat. I’ve clearly got a type. But I need to tell you something and since I’ve had half a bottle of wine I will choose to do it now while the cameras are on me instead of when we are alone later and it’s time to have private conversations. Mostly because I want America to see what your reaction will be.America: Appreciate it.Raven: He never made me orgasm.Nick:

Raven:

Me:

Nick:

look up smarmy in the dictionary. this is what you’ll see.

No pressure, buddy.

They retreat to a cottage with a glass ceiling (#feminism) and giggle on the bed where Nick’s performance anxiety and Raven’s O-anxiety and America’s general anxiety at having to witness it all thankfully come to an end and ABC proves itself to be complete trash by having Chris Harrison say this:

“Will Raven’s date come to a satisfying end? Find out next week!”

Swear to god if we have to find out the answer to that question I will run screaming from the room.

And just to be clear, I love that Raven was honest and upfront with him. I think it’s crucial to have these kinds of open conversations, especially at the beginning of a relationship. I applaud her for that! But sweetheart, don’t do it in front of America. Or your dad.

Next week we’ll also find out how Rachel’s date goes wrong enough to secure her spot as The Bachelorette and will yet again see Vanessa sitting by herself with this expression trying to convince herself she likes this guy –