subscribe

Pages

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

A while back one of our readers suggested a fun activity for the next book tour: set up plain frosted cakes, and let contestants hurl various bits of candy, flotsam, and ribbon at said cakes. Whichever looks "best" wins.

Unfortunately, I think some wreckerators out there took this as career advice.

And believe me: there are no winners here.

Wow. I didn't know you could get that kind of distance out of mini marshmallows.

You know what they always say about edible splatter paint!:

Nothing, actually. They're all too busy trying to avoid the pieces with the poo-colored jelly beans.

Here's one that made use of the drop method:

Most of it even landed on the cake!

Of course, when you're lobbing across such great distances, some breakage is to be expected:

1-Yes. Indeed one can get plent o' mileage outta a bag of mini mallows. On the other hand (the one that held the nearly-empty Hershey bottle),not quite as much, seemingly.2-mutant grubs looking for a place to lay mutant-grub eggs3-Ah! It's the old "paper-ribbon-to-floss-with" on the cake trick.Tasty.4- amputated polar bear fingertips5- peaches & cream ="parfait cake"...I'd ask for a spoon, but it appaers someone's already had at it with a trowel.

Somebody must be buying these things or they wouldn't keep making them. These consumers must be suffering from very low self esteem. They feel they don't deserve tasty AND tasteful baked goods.They need our help.Anyone want to help me plan a telethon?Or maybe a "We Are the World" kind of thing.

WV: avoism-a psychological conditions which causes sufferers to avoid all that is fine and beautiful. People with avoism often prefer poo-colored jelly bean cakes.

That second-to-last one... is there a word for what they did there, piping a scribble in icing that's meant to harden and then sticking it in the cake? Somebody put a good deal of thought and effort into that, considering how bad it looks.

I have a particular affinity for the original Kill It With Fire. That wreckplica is still in my display case on the chance that you actually dare to tread in this lethal state again...the cupcake mummified into a sugary crouton of evil doooooooom.

3) decorator walks into work: "ho hum, what should I do with this cake....drop some food coloring on, yep, a start....but it needs something else. Some "wow" factor. Darn, we don't have any corn nuts. But there's a bunch of ribbon trimmings from the balloons! Too bad it wouldn't work with my slingshot. "

5) decorator walks into work with 3 year old son on take-your-child-to-work day: "jack, remember, don't touch anyth.... hey, how did you get my slingshot??"

6) decorator has been at work for some time: "100 points for every berry I can slingshot into the fenced-in area. 25 points deducted for hitting the fence. "

7) highly trained decorator walks into work at a very respected bakery: "hmm. It seemed like such a good idea yesterday to use my slingshot to place those berries. Well, maybe some casually tossed orchid flowers will help. "

That last picture reminded me of when Julia Child was on the Martha Stewart xmas special. They each built a tower of cream puffs. Martha's was a beautiful, symmetrical work of art, Julia's was a sloppy, lumpy pile. I think she'd already started to lose it by then, but Martha was gracious about it. Julia was always a sloppy cook.

Finally! A whole bunch of magic -eye cakes!!! These are great examples of those wonderful 3D stereograms that look like squiggles and stuff but actually hide wonderful 3D pictures! Just like with the pictures, hold the cake about 18 inches in front of you, kinda look through the cake into the area behind it and let your eyes relax. It may take some practice.

The first cake is clearly a Rainbow Brite picture, and if you squint your left eye just a little while opening your right eye fully, and tilt your head a tad to the left, you can see Wisp and Twink riding on Starlite. Nod your head a few times and you can almost see the horse actually move.

Second cake: see Kermit? Sure you do, hopping around from rock to rock.

Third cake: opening ceremony of the Olympics where the participants twirl those long flowing ribbons. Rotating your head in small circles almost brings them all to life! Can't you just hear the music in your mind!

Fifth cake: Made by a beginner, a combination of rapid blinking and nodding only makes you nauseous. I think they were trying for a wiggling Jello effect.

Sixth cake: This is a hard one, but carefully positioning of the cake and total eye relaxation, with accompanying winking, nodding and absolute quiet reveals the scene where Tom Sawyer tricks his friends into whitewashing the picket fence. The brushes almost seem to move!

Last cake: Unfortuantely, though it is well done, this cake contains some erotica...you'll just have to look for yourself. Caution: do not strain your eyes!

wv-trozymou: an imaginary word frequently used in Scrabble as a bluff.

Hunh. I thought the things on cake #2 were chocolate rocks. Or jelly beans. But they do look more like some of the chocolate rocks I've bought at science museums. Either way, they do nothing for the, um, "cake."TXRed

I thought that second one featured snails, but your guess on poop-colored jelly beans fits great too. Oooh, yummy!

I take some pride in making birthday cakes and such for my own family (to have fun and save money). Especially after reading your blog, I don't put too much pressure on myself for my work to be beautiful. I do wonder though, how could anyone get paid to make these "creations" and how on earth could someone walk in and choose to spend their money on them? Yikes!

I tried the "winking, nodding and absolute quiet," fell asleep, and the only thing that happened was that I dreamed I was a geisha.

No matter~~those are smashing good analyses!So! The reason I'm calling is to ask this:Would you be my shrink? My last one fired me.Look, my brain can't be more than one-fifth as screwed-up as those cakes are, and probably wouldn't make you sick (like that fifth could). *urp* On the down side, though, it's not as colorful as the cakes, either (it's mostly gray...and quite possibly fondant-based).Think about it?=^~.-^=

If you guys didn't like the sixth cake.....how could you! Don"t you see that the decorator was trying to express the chaos in the world through cake? The white on white setting signifies the bleakness of life! This cake is full of so many symbols.....and you people just*sob*.....LAUGH!

RogerBW said...When all you have is a shotgun and a bag of jellybeans, everything looks like a cake?

Oh, Roger, Roger, Roger. What have you gone and done. Somewhere out there (probably here in the South) some idiots with shotguns and too much time on their hands are raiding the cupboards for mini marshmallows, jellybeans, sprinkles, and assorted confections. I'm sure there will be a news report about some damn fool who shot his foot full of chocolate sprinkles when he dropped his gun.

ok, you say that on the second cake it is poo coloured, i thought they were slugs on a cake sugesting that we should save the habitat of the slug. seriously, they look like slugs. and this is coming from a 13 year old.

One reason people really should use at least a 'handle' if not their real name is that referring to 'anonymous' is impersonal and awkward.

That said, @Anonymous @ 8:28 has the right idea with the existential angle; these cakes look like the wreckerators were using the 'Jean-Paul Sartre Cookbook' as their inspiration (if 'inspiration' is a word that can possibly apply in this case). The only thing missing is the 'Black Forest Cake', which is made with five pounds of cherries and a live beaver.

"...'anonymous' is impersonal and awkward."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I agree. And it is also dangerous!Why, in this day and age...it could be almost ANYone! ((SHUDDER)) I say we should petition to have the designation changed to this:A. Non Ymous (pronounced: Ay-Nohn-Eemoo)Ititials: A.N.Y.Adorable, yes?

It looks like a "real" name (sort of), sounds (somewhat) distinguished, and is gender non-specific. (One may preface it as one wishes with "Mr.", "Mrs.", "Miss", "Ms.","Sir", "Madame", "Honorable", "Senator", "Don", or what-have-you.) A huge step above impersonal and awkward.=^u.u^=

Hmm looks like that first cake got some lovely fruit flavored marshmallows. Why they decided to just fling the cake in the marshmallows one will never ever know. Though knowing me unless it is angel food I would eat it lol. Sad but true my love of cake knows no bounds apparently.

I am glad that you said those thingies up there were jelly beans, because at first, second and third glance they looked like olives, and for a second there I was all "mmm...martini cake," and then I was all "wait, frosting and sugar yuck," and now it's time to end this comment.

The one with the marshmallows looks like someone was trying to make a church window, but didn't roll it up or freeze it, then just threw it on top of a cake and drizzled chocolate on it. Also, I think they should put labels on cakes with ribon: WARNING: NOT FOR CHLDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 3. RIBON MAY INDUCE CHOKING.

Late to the party (and such appetizing treats *snort*) but had to let you all know that there ARE marshmallow guns available...http://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=marshmallow+shooter&tag=googhydr-20&index=toys-and-games&hvadid=6121800551&ref=pd_sl_39txhmuik8_b

My niece's hubby got one for Christmas last year...it can shoot a mini a good 10 feet!

Search This Blog

Wreck the Halls

NEW! Pre-Order Today!

Buy the Book

Buy the NYT Bestseller

What's a Wreck?

What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

order

Where's the book?

We don’t have any copies of Cake Wrecks for sale here, autographed or otherwise. We decided the shipping and handling costs would be too high to make it worth your while. So instead, buy your copies locally or online and then order personalized bookplates: it’s cheaper, easier, and I think even looks a bit nicer.

Ordering Info

Payments must be made through Paypal, which accepts all major credit cards. Sorry, but that means no checks or MOs or barter-based chickens.

We ship everything first class USPS, and will do our best to have your package in the mail within 2 days of your order.