Old School Lesbian Femme

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Stoic Divorce

Today something happened that will define me for the rest of my life. I️ got divorced.

I️ harnessed every ounce of femme courage and strength that I️ thought I️ had and went to the court determined to be strong. Stoic. Like her. This is what we decided was the best option. This is what made sense. 34 years age difference was insurmountable. It had finally caught up with us. This was it. Done. Over. Ok.. I️ would be cold… like her…..

But… I️ am not like her. That’s why we’re getting divorced. I️ am soft. Tender. Kind. Sensitive. I am easily hurt. I️ love with all of my soul. I️ am wild and hot and dream big and love without limitations. And she does not. It is calculated. Weighed and measured, I️ didn’t measure up to her version of the future. I️ cost too much.

I️ will never be her. I️ got a lot of advice. Don’t let her see you cry. Don’t shed a tear in court. Don’t look at her. Show her how strong you are. Let her see how cold you can be, too. You can break down in the car. (Which I️ did.) You can lose your shit later. (Which.. I️ did.) I️ walked into that courthouse and knew.. I️ can’t do this. I️ am not her. I️ am not like her. I️ cannot be like her. I️ don’t want to be like her…

I️ don’t want to be like her. If her seeing me cry makes her feel strong. That’s on her. If knowing I️ am broken makes her feel powerful.. That reflects on her. If me crying and showing that I️ still have love for her… That I️ can’t believe that I️ am sitting here writing a divorce post. That I️ can’t believe a love I️ fought so hard to have and marry twice is… dead… and I️ cry in front of her, my attorney, her attorney, the judge and whoever else was in the room shows that I️ am broken because of this.. then I️ am human. Openly human. My real, femme, broken heart is visible. Look at it. Who cares. What do I️ possibly have left to lose.

You did this when you told me your love for me had changed.

You did this when you said you didn’t want to invest in my dreams even though I️ had invested everything in yours. I️ gave you something so much more valuable than money… I️ gave you my time. All of it. Every day. You were the one who was not grateful.

You did not value me. And I️ am very valuable.

You did this when you said, “Go do it on your own.” Now….. I️ will. I️ never needed you. I️ wanted you.

You did this. You will never ever own any part of this… but, you did this.

Now, I️ am holding my broken pieces and I️’m glad that I️ still have them. Now I️ am going to lick my wounds while I️ glue them back together and look at the scars in the light. I️ have experienced the greatest hurt I️ could have ever imagined… I️ walked away from you. You no longer matter. Your hurt not longer means more than mine. Your dreams no longer come first. Your life no longer holds more value than mine. Your future no longer holds more clout. You. No longer. Matter. The fragile feminine softness that you held and promised to love is now hardened to you. Forever.

I️ am a Femme. Functional. Strong, Divorced. I️ will not be hardened to future love. You do not get that power. I️ will move more slowly. But I️ will move. Continuously. Farther away from you. It’s no longer your life that I️ am a part of. I️ am in my own life now. I️ will not share it with you. You do not deserve me…

Today, something happened that will define me for the rest of my life. I️ got divorced. I️ did not follow the advice given to me. I️ am proud of the woman…. the Femme… that I️ am. Soft.. sensitive. Real. Functional. I am not her. Never ask me to be that again.