“Blank Top Taxi, your phone number, please”

The Blank Top Taxi Chronicles recounts the trials of a Virgina-based taxi dispatcher and the calls he receives from his many crazy and/or clueless customers. It’s funnier even than it sounds, and to prove it, we offer a favorite excerpt:

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Before you read this, let me just let you know that 95% of people who call looking for a “rate quote” never ask for a cab. For this reason I feel entitled to screw with them, especially when they have already clearly proven that they’re idiots.

ME: Blank Top, your phone number please?

GUY: Uh, I don’t know what the phone number here is.

ME: Do you have a cell phone?

GUY: Yes.

ME: . . . What’s the number?

GUY: Oh, it’s XXX-XXXX.

ME: Is that area code 703?

GUY: No.

ME: . . . Are you going to give me a hint as to what it IS?

GUY: Oh. Ummm, I think it’s 202.

ME: You think?

GUY: Yeah, it’s 202.

ME: Okay, what’s the address you want to be picked up from?

GUY: I just wanted a quote.

ME: I can give you a rough estimate, from where to where?

GUY: I’m going to Reagan National Airport.

ME: From where?

GUY: Excuse me?

ME: Where are you taking the taxi from?

GUY: To National Airport.

ME: From WHERE? Where are you getting picked up from to take the taxi to the airport?

GUY: My home.

ME: . . . If you’re not going to start taking a more active role in this conversation I’m hanging up right now.

GUY: What’s that?

ME: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHERE YOUR HOME IS? What’s the ADDRESS?!

GUY: Oh, it’s . . . uh . . . 1234 X Street.

ME: From there to National would run about $12 roughly.

GUY: Oh . . . but it wouldn’t be any more than $12, right?

ME: It could be, the cab goes by a meter.

GUY: Yeah. . . Uh, what if I went with a cab that doesn’t use a meter?

ME: Every cab in Arlington is required to run by a meter.

GUY: Nuh uh, I’ve seen cabs that don’t use meters.

ME: Yeah, and they’re unlicensed. Look, do you want a cab or not?

GUY: Can you tell me what the cheapest way to get to the airport is?

ME: Sure! Walk.

GUY: Uh . . . what?

ME: Walk! It’s only a few miles, just a good stretch of the legs.

GUY: I don’t want to walk.

ME: Then have a friend drive you.

GUY: Yeah, I tried to do that, I can’t find anybody to drive me.

ME: I see. Do you have a horse?

GUY: Huh?

ME: Going to the airport on horseback is always an economical option.

GUY: I don’t own a horse.

ME: You really should look into buying one, it’s a very economical mode of travel, and it’ll keep your grass neat and trimmed.

GUY: Are you just fucking with me now or something?

ME: Hey, you’re not as dumb as I thought you were!

GUY: You don’t have to be an asshole, I just want to know the cheapest way to get to the airport.