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WIZARD:
Well, let’s get right to it, John. A lot of
people are asking; why do it? Why remake WATCHMEN?

JB: I’ve asked myself that question! (laughs
heartily) Listen, I know it seems a bit nuts to take
a book like WATCHMEN that some people still remember
quite fondly and completely remake it. Especially
since Alan and Dave did such a bang-up job the first
time through!

WIZARD:
Awesome! (scribbling down notes to find out
who “Alan” and “Dave” are…)

JB: It’s like this…Right or wrong, fair or not,
deserved or undeserved, once gifted has-been or
complete arrogant hack, I’ve sort of gotten the
reputation of a “fix-it man”. When I came to myself
with this idea, I told myself the point was not what I

Cell-Phones

could TAKE AWAY, but what I could JUST BARELY CHANGE,
yet STILL TAKE CREDIT FOR. I enjoyed WATCHMEN very
much, in it’s day, but times have changed, and those
dirigibles look pretty dated now! So, we’ve got jet
balloons! And that’s just one example. There are
literally five or six things that are being updated!
In one scene, instead of Nite-Owl talking into a radio
transmitter, he’s talking into a CELL-PHONE! Kids
today use cell-phones. Get it? It’s a cell-phone!

WIZARD:
Radical, John! So, this is a way for
WATCHMEN to get the younger audience it’s been
lacking?

JB: Exactly! I’m going back to the roots of
WATCHMEN. The first eight or nine issues, before the whole
series sort of, let’s face it, lost it’s focus. I
want to recapture the glory of WATCHMEN. It’s a
celebration of the original book. A labor of love,
honest. If I didn’t love and cherish the original, I
wouldn’t be doing this.

WIZARD:
And what about the “downer” nature of the ending?

JB: I can change that in two lines.

WIZARD:
Well, how will the new WATCHMAN look, as
opposed to the original? Will it be much different?

JB: Oh, COMPLETELY different! I’m faxing you some
sketches right now!

WIZARD:
(Removing crudely scrawled sheets from the fax
machine…) But, these are just tracings of the
original covers done with Magic Markers!!!

JB: Aha! To the untrained EYE, maybe!

WIZARD:
You’re sure you’re not just getting lazy?

JB: Lazy like a FOX!!!

WIZARD:
And this first page here…it’s all about a
dog in the gutter…

JB: The dog LIVES in my version!

WIZARD:
But…why is the dog jumping up and down like
that?

JB: Because he’s HAPPY! This is to establish right
away, “This ain’t your slightly older brother’s
WATCHMEN!” See, they all think this is nuts at DC.
A lot of people there think we should have Chromium
covers. I said, “*I’M* the chromium cover!” So
they said, we should have variant editions, and I
said, “*I”M* the variant edition!” So they
said, we just shouldn’t put this book out at all, WATCHMEN
is only a few years old, and was created by giants,
and a new version would only cheapen the whole
concept! So I said, “*I’LL* cheapen the
concept!”

“We’re releasing it in trade paperback format first, then releasing the individual issues in order to make them more collectible.” – Byrne

WIZARD:
Well, it looks like a winner, John! I have
to ask though, Many people have said that your last
several series didn’t exactly set the sales charts on
fire…

JB: (makes rumbly growling noises)

WIZARD: What would you attribute your recent lack of chart success to?

JB: Easy. Fans. The internet. Other writers who are jealous of my talent. Evil Marvel. Stupid DC. A down market. Video games. People stealing my ideas. Insufficient support from the companies. Bad marketing. Poor coloring. Improper pricing. Retailers. Distributors. Sabotage. I have enemies everywhere. No one cares about me for me. (wails piteously)

You’ll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the following information.