As I near the 6 1/2 year mark, I’m wavering in my faith of whether or not this adoption will actually happen. I’ve found a pretty sharp disconnect between my head and my heart. My heart says ‘No way would God have carried you this far to make it all crumble into a heap.” But my head says “You signed referral papers a year ago (next week) and they have done NOTHING with it over there (except lose it and require us to re-sign and re-acquire everything).” ***Do you hear that cynicism?

Since I find myself standing in the midst of a ‘winter of the soul,’ and I’m staring at a big, vast, blurry expanse called the future, I need something to grasp. Something to hold me to keep me steady. Some way to hold on so that I don’t either crack down the middle out of anguish –or– put it all down, telling myself I didn’t sense His leading after all…

There is a longing in every human heart for where we are meant to be, but we get caught up in our notion of how it’s going to be fulfilled. When Abraham was told by the Lord he had a place, he probably imagined a verdant valley, flowing stream, lovely mountains. But the Scripture says he came into the place and there were Canaanites in the land.

Abraham’s building of the altar represents his saying: “I’m accepting a promise, understanding that this is different than what I thought it was going to be, but it’s also something that I believe God can bring to pass. I trust You, Lord, that You will make it work.”

So, today I recall His truth, His faithfulness, His vows to me. Tomorrow (or whenever I can get it all written down), I go back and point-by-point recall specific instances of His leading, his promises ushered forward, and His unmistakable presence in this whole long drawn out situation that He is weaving into a beautiful story.

“Your love is devoted like a ring of solid gold
Like a vow that is tested like a covenant of old
Your love is enduring through the winter rain
And beyond the horizon with mercy for today

Faithful You have been and faithful you will be
You pledge yourself to me and it’s why I sing”

The beginning of this beautiful song has been resounding in my spirit all week.

Heard yesterday that the judge over cases in the state/district where Mercy lives is anti-adoption and not hearing cases… and that he sends them to other judges but those judges are also anti adoption. The caseworkers are attempting to go over their heads but it sounds like it’s getting messy/tricky. Not sure exactly how the legal system works over there, but it doesn’t sound ethical, does it?

We are still waiting (going on 10 months now) on a certificate from the Adoption Recommendation Committee, but hearing this about the judges makes me wonder if these judges (or like minded people) are the ones comprising this committee.(?) Maybe that’s why we have had no movement in this step.

A family I’ve met through the amazing interwebs who has already gotten their ARC certificate have had 5 court dates (another one soon), with no progress. They’ve been in the court system for more than 6 months already.

Please pray. Pray for the many cases stuck in the courts. Pray for our case to be approved for ARC so we can go to court. Pray for the workers to get the ear of someone influential who can help fight for the cases of our kiddos who need homes. Pray for the judges with higher authority to catch what is going on and personally push these cases through…

As I’m praying today, I’m pondering these scriptures from this morning. I thought I would include them here as much for myself later, as for Mercy to see how we bathed her homecoming in His word and longing.

Psalm 27:13-14 I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord;be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

Daniel 9:17-19 “O our God, hear your servant’s prayer! Listen as I plead. For your own sake, Lord, smile again on your desolate sanctuary. “O my God, lean down and listen to me. Open your eyes and see our despair… We make this plea, not because we deserve help, but because of your mercy. “O Lord, hear. O Lord, forgive. O Lord, listen and act! For your own sake, do not delay, O my God…”

And praying for the people handling our case: Colossians 3:12-15: mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.

I’m mindful today of a story that friends of ours who live in Burkina Faso, Africa told me three years ago.

The gist of the story is that our friend described an image of something that happens where they live in Africa. Often bribes are encouraged if you want your paperwork to get processed expediently… the way that this is expressed, is that the worker puts a rock on top of the papers, implying that if you want that rock moved off, you’ll need to offer some money. Will you (figuratively) pray the rock off of our papers? :)

So, today, almost 3 1/2 years after we prayed that prayer, the figurative (or literal, for all I know!) rock is still on our paperwork!

My scripture prayer for Mercy this morning: Ephesians 3:16-20 I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your heart as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his (and our!) love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within you, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.

We are sitting on my bed, all 4 of us, praying for this process and for Mercy. We hit play on the Bethel worship session I had paused, and asked God to use the next song (that we had not heard yet) as a prayer for this process and for Mercy… So we are singing along ‘Jesus we love you, oh how we love you, you are the one our hearts adore… (Then he sings…) … Things that we thought were dead are breathing new life again… You cause your sun to shine on darkest nights… The hopeless have found their hope, the orphans now have a home.!!!!

Will you pray with us? We’re designating Saturday, Jan 17th as a day of prayer for our adoption. We would love for you to agree with us in prayer that day, and perhaps fast with us if you wish.

Things we are praying about:

ARC (Adoption Recommendation Certificate) from Uttar Pradesh to be filed

NOC (No Objection Certificate) to be filed

Our case to go to court/to get written orders that she’s ours!

That Mercy is being loved and cared for in her orphanage.

That Mercy is attaching/being loved on by an Ayah (her nanny)

That Mercy grows strong and healthy. She was born prematurely and has been listed as ‘failure to thrive’ on early paperwork.

For our family: that our hearts would remain hopeful! For our posture in waiting to bring Him glory.

Our family word for the year is “HOPE.” It was so hard to choose that. I kept hearing it everywhere I turned the first week of the year, but my heart has been so discouraged. I feel like I’m running a race where someone keeps moving the finish line. I believe and know that God has Hand on this whole process. It is hard to understand why we are nearing 6 1/2 years waiting, but I choose HOPE. I choose FAITH in Him and in His ability to bring this to pass in a timing that will give HIM Glory. Even at the expense of my sanity, some days. Thanks for loving and supporting our family through such a wearying journey to add a longed-for child to our family.

And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. -Romans 5:5 (NLT)

Shall reap with shouts of JOY. I like this translation (English Standard) of Psalm 126:5. I like the visual of SHOUTS of joy. Can’t wait to shout with joy!!!

What are you sowing in tears right now?

Mine are falling easily today. Shedding tears as I long for my daughter to come home.

Listening to some good Jesus-focused music while I’m holed up in my room for a few quiet moments alone.

(A Little longer – Bethel/Jenn Johnson)

-and-

(Lord I need you- Matt Maher)

To be honest friends, the wait is getting harder and harder.

How long, oh Lord?

I have well- meaning people tell me that it will all be forgotten once I hold her in my arms… I don’t know about you, but I don’t forget pain and longing after the longing is fulfilled. You do look back and thank God the pain is over though. This grief is shaping me, friends. I’m mindful of a word study I did a few years ago about wadi formation.

(Photo credit:in2jordan.com)

‘A wadi is a gully, streambed, or valley which is characterized by being extremely dry. Geologists believe that features like wadis were formed during periods when water levels on Earth were markedly different, and that these valleys were probably carved by streams and rivers which later dried up.’ (From wisegeek.com)

(Photo credit: omantripper.com)

I feel like the tears, longing and waiting have produced a wadi in my soul. Something beautiful, but haunting, that shows clearly where the tears have flowed as I’ve prayed for and longed for Mercy to come home.

Thanks for your prayers and love on me while I walk this valley of waiting. I wish I had fun, upbeat posts to write- but for now, the agony of waiting continues. No new info. And the ARC we are waiting on is ‘supposed’ to take 5 days for special needs adoptions- according to the guidelines. We are in month 6. No word.

Believing He is GOOD in the midst of this. Just LONGING for progress and to be able to scoop her up (legally!) in my arms!

Can’t wait until I have GOOD news to shout with JOY! And I think it’s fun that I blogged on this same passage in July of 2008… A month before we applied to adopt a little girl from India!

Well friends, I’ve been paperwork pregnant for 6 years with our sweet Indian daughter, Mercy. 3+ Weeks ago the orphanage let our social worker here know that they need us to re-sign all of the paperwork that we signed back in February. They said they were sending it. By snail mail. It hasn’t arrived yet.

We scrambled this summer to re-do our dossier because they lost it, and now we are waiting to re-sign the ‘we want to adopt this child paperwork.’ We don’t know if we’re back to square one with accepting her referral, have a chance of losing her referral, or what exactly the status of this process is at this point. It feels super scary, like an adoption miscarriage… like I’m bleeding and don’t know if I’m going to lose the baby or be ok. I’ve been there before with a biological baby, and I know the heartache that is miscarriage. I can’t fathom going there again after being pregnant for 6 years.

Just voicing my fears, friends.

A sweet mama at the park asked me today if I would like to adopt more after we bring Mercy home. If she had asked me that 5 years ago, she would have gotten a resounding “YES!” But today, I hesitated and said I didn’t think I could do this again. The wait has been agonizing.

Please pray, praying people. I don’t even really know what to tell you to pray for, but the Holy Spirit will guide us into all truth- so pray that He will guide you in prayer for Mercy. For our family. For her orphanage and all of the people over there with influence in our adoption case/process. We have seen God’s faithfulness and leading in so many ways, but as with everything in life, that does not mean the road is smooth, the process goes quickly, or any of it makes sense. It just means He is with us. And for that I’m grateful.