Let’s start with what people can people do to support and
cultivate the insights they’ve gained on retreat once the retreat is
over?
First, you need to sit in formal meditation every day. It doesn’t
have to be for long—perhaps half an hour, depending on your time and
willingness. Consider meditating more than what you already do, but
don’t promise too much. It’s important to build up the habit, whether
ten or thirty minutes, because even if people love meditation, when it
comes to regular practice, many do not meditate.
Some people say they don’t like to look at Facebook so often and
think that it’s wasting time, but when it comes down to it, they cannot
control the habit. In order to end one habit, we need to develop a new
one. Building up a new habit will take twenty to thirty days. So set a
goal for formal meditation that is doable in your life and keep at
it—whether you do or don’t like it—and after thirty days it will become
easier to maintain.
You also need to do informal meditation, which you can do anywhere,
anytime—while you’re walking, eating, having a meeting, watching TV, or
checking Facebook. There’s no need to look for a cushion or have a
particular meditation posture; just be aware of your breath, even for a
few seconds. Making this practice part of daily life can help maintain
the retreat experience.After a retreat, it can be difficult or even disappointing to
go back to everyday life. Why is that? Are our expectations too high?
It depends on your meditation technique while doing the retreat.
There is a lot of misunderstanding about meditation—many people think it
means to have no thoughts, or just to concentrate or bliss out. If you
think the purpose of a retreat is to make your mind calm and peaceful,
free of thought and emotion, you may become attached to that state of
mind. But the point of meditation is actually to transform, not to look
for peace and calm.
Even thought and emotion can transform into meditation. Just as
you’re aware of your breath coming and going, so you can watch your
thoughts, emotions, and pain come and go. Slowly, everything becomes
support for meditation, and the gap between being in retreat and out of
retreat lessens.You endured very difficult conditions during your wandering
retreat, and even got quite sick. Yet you have described it as the best
time in your life. Why is that?
Ever since childhood, I had wanted to do a wandering retreat in the
mountains because I loved mountains and caves. I like to explore, and
this was an adventure. I also wanted to go on this retreat to enhance my
meditation experience and to learn more about life. I had a fantasy
about the wandering retreat, but the reality was quite different.
At the beginning I had some money, about 2,000 rupees, but after
three weeks that was all gone, so I lived on the street. The first night
was very difficult. I had to beg for food and got sick from something I
ate. I had vomiting and diarrhea for three days and thought maybe I was
going to die. I was very nervous, wondering whether I should continue
or go home. Although I had been practicing meditation for a long time, I
still had a lot of attachment and I was trying to let it go, peeling
off layers like an onion, but still there were more. After three or four
hours I decided, Okay, I’m going to stay, and if I’m going to die, just let it be. I
began practicing dying meditation. My body was dissolving, everything
decaying. I could not see or hear. My body became paralyzed, but my mind
was so clear—beyond time, no inside or outside, like a blue sky with
sunshine. I stayed in that state for about six hours.
When I opened my eyes and looked around, everything became precious.
The streets felt like my home, and the trees, even the broken walls
behind me, looked so nice. I felt such gratitude and happiness. When I
finally stood up, I felt a bit thirsty but only walked about two steps
before I fell unconscious. Fortunately, someone took me to a hospital.
Because I grew up in a nice family and always had good friends and
students taking care of me, I had lived in a bit of a cocoon. If I
hadn’t done the wandering retreat, I never would have had this
experience.It’s been about a year since you completed your wandering
retreat. How did that experience influence you? What has changed for
you?
It has greatly benefited my meditation—my meditation before and after
retreat are completely different. Also, I now have more confidence,
faith, and grounding. Even if there are negative emotions, pain, or
problems arising, on a deep level, my mind is at peace.What would you say to someone who is trying to decide if a retreat is right for them?
Three things are most important: motivation, balance, and not
attaching to the meditation experience. Don’t put so much expectation on
a retreat. Just think, I’m going to do retreat, whether it will be good or not. As long as I don’t kill anyone during the week, that’s okay. Try your best, and for motivation, think, I’m going to do retreat not only to benefit myself but also my friends, family, colleagues, society, and the world. If
you are a Buddhist, think of rousing bodhicitta for the benefit of all
sentient beings, so they may recognize their true nature and completely
awaken.
Sometimes a retreat is a wonderful experience, and sometimes the mind
is wild, full of thoughts and emotions. Don’t concern yourself about
whether your experience is peaceful or not. Just try what I call “zero
meditation.” Zero meditating means you just try to meditate, not caring
if you have an experience of meditation or not. That effort of trying
will bring you authentic meditation in the future. So don’t stay with
the meditation experience; just stay with the wish to meditate. That’s
how you will find balance—try your best, but don’t hold too tightly to
the results. If you experience some joyful or clear nonconceptual state,
don’t think “I achieved enlightenment” or “This experience will last
forever.” That is the mind of grasping and attachment. It’s okay to feel
good about your meditation experience, to have gratitude for it. But
don’t attach to it. Today you had a wonderful meditation experience; who
knows how tomorrow will go?