Thursday, March 28, 2013

Actually she's been here since Monday morning. Nora Marie was born at 8:03 am, March 25 after a fairly peaceful labor, which is a major win considering her crazy mother! She weighed in right in the middle of the pack at 6 lbs 15 oz. Basically I'm saying she was seven pounds. She's really beautiful and has gorgeous dark hair with the sweetest little lips and what looks like the beginnings of kissable pudgy cheeks!

We're home after spending an extra day in the city and have been recovering well other than the added complication of me needing extra WhnRho antibodies yesterday which meant another trip to the city. And more needle poking. But other than that I can't complain too much and we're all trying to sleep as much as possible.

The kids are pretty excited...as in jumping off the walls a little. Gemma is over the moon excited to have a sister finally and is constantly asking to hold/carry/dress-up/take outside the baby. The boys are happy to have a baby around for a little extra parental distraction to allow for more adventurous shenanigans, and Max is...well...a permanent resident of tantrum town. Clearly this baby adjustment is going to be hardest on him. He seems pretty miserable at everything and we haven't figured out what exactly would make him happy and he doesn't care to elaborate much on the subject. These life changing events are a pretty big deal when you're only 16 months old!

Thanks so much for all your prayers, I really think they helped. I'm so happy to have a healthy, beautiful baby and to no longer have to think about imminent birthing! God is good!

Hopefully sometime in the next few months I may have time to inch out a fairly undramatic birth story for you. Until then I hope everyone has a very blessed Easter Triduum, and a very happy Easter!

Friday, March 22, 2013

Just throwing in my 7 Quick Takes with Jen, who fully deserves more pregnancy whining than I!

{one}

So I'm still pregnant. Apparently this bambino doesn't want to come out nice and early like its predecessors. I'm not quite 39 weeks yet, so I shouldn't be complaining of course, but for the record - still the longest pregnancy ever.

It was actually great planning on my baby's part though because this week's weather has been horrendous! Here's what it looked like out my door yesterday:

And heres what the area highways were like:

{two}

I only mention this because we've gotta drive two hours into the city in order to actually have this baby. Thus the roads and the weather have been causing me a bit of anxiety. We have to drive this ridiculous distance because of the excellent socialized health care system which for some reason deems rural hospitals incapable of delivering perfectly healthy babies. And the midwives in the province must be within a half hour distance to a hospital that delivers in order to be present at a birth at a home or birth centre. So this all equals us having to drive two hours to the birth centre, which shouldn't be a big deal but last year Max was born 20 minutes after we got there so we should probably be on the ball and not drive impassable roads!

Needless to say, good job baby in deciding not to arrive in the middle of a terrible March blizzard! Today is sunny, although cold, and the forecast has no more snow for the next week so we should be in the clear!

{three}

I'm still fighting off anxiety like nobody's business. I think it must be due to some seriously out of whack hormones because I've never had anxiety to this degree in pregnancy. And if anything you'd think by the fifth time all this pregnancy stuff would just come easily, and naturally, with no worries! The other night I would have walked 25 miles for an ambien, no joke. Thank goodness the last couple days there has been a lot of improvement and I've managed to get some sleep.

{four}

If you haven't yet read Brianna's beautiful birth story at Ignitum Today yet go do so right now! She is, as usual, ridiculously inspiring.

{five}

And has anyone read this article on women staying at home from New York Magazine? Its long, and makes a ton of points that I haven't completely waded through yet, but I think overall it brings up a lot of issues that our secular culture always loves to dismiss and ignore. The thing with staying home is that it has so many effects that it is a complex issue and not many people like thinking about complex issues.

{six}

I reread Northanger Abbey this week. I needed some Jane Austen comfort and I can't even remember when I first read Northanger Abbey. It always comes under a lot of criticism because Catherine, the heroine, isn't quite as mature and well-formed as Austen's other heroines. But Austen still is so good at piercing through to what makes character's tick, their true character. I've also decided that every teenage girl needs to read Northanger Abbey. Is there any other novel that describes so well how insecure and ambitious teenage girls can be? So naive? Yet brings the heroine around to common sense and discernment of real character? I don't think so.

{seven}

Well I'm off to do...not much of anything...I have zero nesting tendencies in pregnancy. I've been lying on my couch watching Poirot episodes all week and letting the kids run wild. Yesterday I let Max empty all my bookshelves, clean laundry baskets, bedside table, and almost the entire contents of underneath the kitchen sink (before he got to the really poisonous stuff of course) before I could get up enough energy to get up and stop him. If ever I get energy back one day its going to be a cruel day for the poor little guy. Thankfully its the husband's scheduled Friday off so children might get fed and disciplined after all!

Have a great last weekend of Lent everyone-I still can't wrap my head around Holy Week. But I wish everyone the graces to survive Palm Sunday Mass with the complimentary distractions/weapons that all toddlers adore!

Friday, March 15, 2013

Joining Jen as usual, look out next week, I'll be in the top 100 for the first time ever!

{one}

Pope Francis!

I'm going to try and not write 7 whole takes about him because you've read about him as much as I have but its going to be tough because I think he's awesome.

It was funny Wednesday because I was feeling especially slow and awful so I thought if I'm going to lie like a lump I'm most definitely going to see the smoke come out live for once! (The two previous burnings I had to run to the kitchen to feed someone who apparently hadn't eaten in days, and then the morning burnings happened at 5 am so I wimped out and made my husband get out of bed and check for me-full disclosure!) I was sure it would be black, I thought we wouldn't have a Pope until Friday, then when the smoke turned white I just burst into tears. I have no idea why that moment in particular would be so emotional. But it just seemed so beautiful, and it felt like such a moving of the Holy Spirit for a decision to come so quickly, to no longer be shepherd-less, to be taken care of once again. Then I called the kids upstairs to tell them we have a new Pope. Gemma and Dom were very excited by the bell ringing, and instantly Gemma wanted to know who it was and where he was. And then I told her he'd be out in a few minutes, que the longest hour of waiting for the Pope to emerge with toddlers ever!

{two}

I find the whole conclave/election of the pope beyond fascinating. And is it sorta awful to admit that I was worried I'd go into labor on the day of the election and wouldn't be able to watch the coverage? Yeah, I'm a big nerd. I think I've read every article and link to Pope Francis I've seen in the last two days as well. I may be a bit addicted. I used to say that if there was a major in Papal Studies I woulda taken it. I love Popes, what can I say?

{three}

I'm sure this will be commented upon by wiser minds than mine, but I find it interesting that it seems the Holy Spirit brings men to the Papacy who have faced incredible political persecution in the past. Obviously JPII and Pope Benedict faced the horrors of World War II and Communism, and now Pope Francis having lived through and witnessed a different dictatorship and persecution of the Church, I think it says a lot about the suffering that these men have gone through and understand. I think that's also why us cushy North Americans won't have a native Pope for a while. A cushy Western existence just can't hold a candle to the faith it must take to live through a time of such severe persecution for simply having faith. I think this background applies to the majority of Catholics in the world as well, we just don't quite understand that.

{four}

Oh and btw, I'm still pregnant.

I cannot describe how slowly time is passing. I'm so miserable and uncomfortable I hardly have energy to clean up the kitchen over the course of a couple hours. I'm so very weary. I'm just so tired of being tired all the time, tired of being grumpy, tired of not moving, tired of not sleeping well, tired of this whole pregnancy she-bang! And I truly hate to whine about it...really! I still can't quite believe that I'll ever not be pregnant. A couple more weeks? Days? I'm now 37 weeks so I'm in the clear in regards to being able to have my baby at the birth centre with my midwife instead of going to a hospital so that is great. All my babies have been early, the earliest being a day short of 37 weeks then Max at 38 weeks, and then Luke was born just a couple days before my due date. So I'm trying to be mentally prepared to go into labor at any time, but in reality could last another two weeks, and at that thought I just want to cry!

{five}

Max is majorly teething. Like five molars at the same time. His mouth is a little pit of razor blades trying to mangle his gums. Of course, this puts both him and me in the greatest of moods all day long. I'm definitely resorting to more drugs than usual. Not that they seem to make him any happier. He basically wonders the house whining and crying for things he can't have. Oh wait, that's basically what I do these days too! I should have a little more compassion!

{six}

Max's teething is one thing I've got no patience for, but its only one item on the long list of basically every toddler-like action requiring basic mothering. I'm starting to feel some heavy mom-guilt about my lack of energy to play with the kids, take the kids out of the house, do any form of school with Gemma, have any basic patience with their little foibles. I really hate the feeling that I'm not doing my best. And I know that in reality I'm doing the best I can with the lack of energy and the growing of another human and all, but still feel so guilty about not giving the others the attention I usually give them, or at least attempt most of the time. Its these awful end of pregnancy feelings that I always associate with pregnancy as a whole when I contemplate being pregnant again. The feeling crummy, the lack of energy, the falling behind with the other kids. These feelings are the ones I remember when I'm not pregnant and make me completely terrified at the thought of another pregnancy. Even though in reality the majority of being pregnant I handle pretty well, and of course I've learned that this time of chaos and not enough energy is really a drop in the bucket of my time spent with my kids. And that they bounce back quickly, and seem to not hold a grudge against me.

{seven}

One thing this pregnancy has proven: we need a new couch. Ours is so crappy I sink in and can barely get out of it these days. We definitely deserve a new one. Mostly me. So I'm going to start shopping for a fairly good one this spring. We've been putting off this kinda thing, mostly because its a giant time suck to go furniture shopping in the city when the city is two hours away and you have four, and now five, children to have taken care of.

Well, this wasn't a completely emotionally disjointed quick takes at all was it?

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Sweet, Roman Jenny tagged me a million days ago but I've not had any consistent thoughts since then.

I actually have no idea what day it is at this point. I'm in a weird third trimester space and time continuum where each day feels like the same exhausting day followed by a night of no real sleep.

And I'm completely caught up in Conclave Fever-I'm a crazed person going from one extreme of anxiety to excitement by the hour-kinda like how I feel about this pregnancy/giving birth right now too!

End of ramblings - here we go:

1) I grew up on a real, live, working cattle ranch. Hell, I'm still living on one. Our little house is on my parents property and the view from my front window usually consists of cows. I grew up on a ranch my entire life, rode horses, always chased cows, got dirty, yet my husband still tells me I'm the most un-country country girl he's ever seen. However his experience is pretty limited. I really should go all Pioneer Woman with pictures one of these days...maybe if the snow ever melts!

2) I'm still completely addicted to Top Chef. Its almost ridiculous. I think I have an out of whack sense of loyalty towards tv shows I like, but this is like the 20th season of Top Chef and I still get way too much enjoyment out of it. But really, its so good, and the food looks so good! Whats not to like?!

3) I sometimes joke that if I wasn't Catholic or, ya know, didn't have Jesus, that I would have gone into politics. And I'm not just talking becoming a politician, because Lord knows I couldn't smooze people...no I would be one of the actually powerful people behind the scenes. Organizing, controlling, stomping on little people. The fun stuff. I'm pretty sure that's what would happen without any form of sanctifying grace, I would become an evil politician! Except I would get to wear pencil skirts and high heels every day...

4) I really love alcohol. And I'm not just saying that because I'm a million months pregnant. I love it and I miss it. I also think that I should be completely off the hook in giving up alcohol ever again for Lent because I've gone 9 months x 5. And God completely understands. I'm sure of it! I'm hoping this baby will be out by Easter and I can enjoy a great scotch. And then every week when Mad Men is on I'm going to have a gimlet...and wine....wine everyday! Ok...this is getting out of hand.

5) One of the things I consider on the list of my greatest accomplishments is mopping the floor at Madonna House. Madonna House is a beautiful religious community founded by Catherine Doherty and its indescribably beautiful and holy. Catherine Doherty had such amazing wisdom and her philosophy always just grabbed me. When people stay at Madonna House they're invited to live the life of service the same as those in the Apostolate, so scrubbing floors was on of my tasks in the couple weeks I stayed after University finished for the year. Somehow when you're there the reality of the importance of service, and love in the small things seems to make so much more sense than in the world. Scrubbing that floor was great!

Well, that's all I've got. I'm going to tag Haley, Molly, Ellen, Cynthia, and Ashley. Sorry if you've already been tagged a million times and I don't know it!

Thursday, March 7, 2013

I've tried to come up with something to blog about for the last week or so and I've got nothing.

* * * * * * * *

The last weeks of a pregnancy its hard to think straight, about anything. My thoughts wonder in only a few directions: 1) I'm tired, uncomfortable, and I don't really think I can get up from this position right now, 2) Please Lord help this baby arrive safely and make me delusional enough to get through labour! 3) How am I going to feed four other constantly starving toddlers with a newborn? Peanut butter tubs? Giant cheese wheels?

I know I don't have to explain the last couple weeks of pregnancy to you, I'm under no illusions that I'm the only pregnant woman ever. Everything feels so slow. I'm not sure if its only because of my own physical capabilities or if time really slows down. My days seem to slowly move along, I'm spent and exhausted, and have no desire to go out at all. Groceries seem like something we can live without right?

* * * * * * * *

I've also completely caved and only eat baked goods for breakfast. And after breakfast. Hardly anything makes me feel as good as eating any sort of baked good for breakfast. I should have been born in Europe. Preferably a baked good with as much butter and cream cheese as possible. I held out so long, yet this will do the most pregnancy damage and be the 5-7 pounds it will take me at least two years to lose! But I'm way past caring. So, so, past caring.

* * * * * * * *

In a mere matter of time I'm going to have five kids five years and under. That's just bat-shit crazy.

Sometimes when I hear people talking about how strange that it could be God's will that Pope Benedict should choose to resign I think to myself, "Oh right, they've never had 5 kids in 6 years, they probably don't get how crazy God can be."

* * * * * * * *

A new baby changes everything. And while I know I'll have a completely new routine appear in the next coming weeks I can't seem to picture how things will shake out. I'm a little intimidated, of course, (I should probably be scared shitless) but as my husband and I were talking about it last night, there really isn't too many other people who should be as used to and ready for a newborn as we are. So I'm relying on some sort of newborn muscle memory to kick in. I try not to think about how hard things could be, simply logistically, or dwell on the crazy early hours the boys are starting to wake up at, or how many months it might be till I'm brave enough to take five (5!) kids out by myself. It seems way too daunting right now, and I don't need daunting right now, I need some sort of mind control that forces me to focus on the right now, today, not even a week from now.

* * * * * * * *

I'd say hands down the most difficult part of this pregnancy for me has been spiritually and emotionally. The spiritual affecting the emotional. Mostly because my whole store of trust in God was put in God giving me a little break and actually having NFP work for us for a change after Max was born last year. I can't say that my trust has been magically restored in God since then. I know intellectually I should trust in Him, but when I dig deeper I simply don't have any trust.

My weak faith has at least kept me trucking through prayer through this time. I've learned some important things about myself over the course of this pregnancy but I can also say I haven't felt any direct consolation about it either. Not that consolation is necessary to participate in God's will. I've obviously come to more acceptance of God's will, seeing as its hard to avoid an expanding body and wiggling baby in utero. A perfectly unique child is definitely an inherent good and really in itself is a beautiful sign of God's perfect love and creation and I'm looking forward to meeting a whole new little person. But no personal consolation has come to me really through all my prayers and griping to God, I've just felt the need to keep on going. Trudging through the desert. 40 weeks...40 years...its feeling like the same thing!

And in a way I now can't imagine consolation. I think this somehow is part of why I have trouble picturing giving birth and having my child actually here. The great joy and relief of finally having your baby out and in your arms is, I think, the most rewarding feeling after such a long time of waiting, hard work, sacrifice, and pain. Somehow though I feel as if I'll never get to that point. I just can't imagine the consolation. Tangible reward. Relief.

I can't imagine not being pregnant. It has just felt so long with such little comfort that its hard to imagine a recovery somehow. I'm not expecting my spiritual issues to be magically resolved and healed somehow just by giving birth, I have a feeling they are things that will be resolved over time and that will only slowly be revealed to me, or so I keep praying! But I do know I will be joyful and thankful to have my baby finally!

I'm not sure if any of that really makes sense. I came to this connection while I was washing dishes yesterday and haven't really unpacked the idea too much, or ran it past my spiritual director who can usually identify my crazy ideas from legit spiritual issues. We'll see what happens.

* * * * * * * *

Isn't it strange how you're preparing in every way for a baby yet all you feel like you're doing is waiting around?? Talk about a weird paradox. I think that a lot happens emotionally and mentally to a woman in the last days of pregnancy that most people tend to ignore. There is a certain amount of upheaval within what seems to be just waiting. I think it happens underneath the layers of irritability and weariness. Although we're waiting and waiting, the waiting propels us to such a level of readiness that I don't think we could get to on our own through comfort and ease and full nights of sleep. Somehow the crumminess of the last days makes us more than willing to go through what can be a marathon of the newborn days and sleepless nights and changing to a new rhythm.

Friday, March 1, 2013

What the what?! Its March?! Well, I for one can go on record as believing that was the longest February ever. Just like I will swear this is the longest pregnancy ever. And the longest winter. Don't give me your "facts" that a pregnancy can only last 9 months, or "stats" that we've had colder or snowier winters because I just will not believe them. My husband will attest to this. I'm very good at holding irrational statements as truths.

{two}

We've still got well over two feet of snow on the ground but the temperatures have been slightly over freezing for most of this week. I don't think that all the snow will be gone by Easter at this rate. Which is kinda sad. I would like to have a couple Easters where the weather is actually Spring. Just to switch it up and everything! I'm sure this is similar to people who live in the tropics would just like one Christmas with snow...

{three}

We had moose in our yard on Tuesday! They wondered in and were having a great time eating my little birch tree in front of our house. We have moose in our yard at least once a year. When Gemma was about a year old she saw them walking across the lawn and developed a pathological fear of moose for at least the next two years. If we showed her even a picture of moose she'd freak out. We would sometimes show her moose pictures just for the sake of her reaction. That story probably won't make my parenting book, but it was really hilarious at the time! They are kinda scary when you think about it though.

{four}

Crisis averted! I got to my midwife on Wednesday and the baby's head is down and I'm officially crazy.

I'm sure no one saw that coming.

But I feel better. I think I'm getting closer to being mentally able to accept I'm about to soon give birth. I don't understand why I have these ridiculous mental blocks and issues, but they're there and they're huge. Hopefully my crazy anxiety is also improving somewhat. I might make it after all!

{five}

I finished The Language of Flowers last week and really enjoyed it. It was a beautiful story about motherhood essentially, even though the story is described from the point of view of a girl who grew up without a family who was moved in and out of foster care. The writing isn't ground breaking, but the depiction of the importance of motherhood is what makes the story and the book worthwhile. It definitely jerked some tears from me, especially when describing the intensity of postpartum, but no ones shocked by that right?

{six}

In wonderful fashion news Janie Bryant has done another collection with Banana Republic thats perfect as usual. I think this is the second Mad Men collection she has done with Banana Republic, and it just makes me a firm believer that she should be dressing everyone...in the world. I love the Sixties colours and patterns! I wish I had a dress size I could depend on and order a dress or seven, I think the coral shift is the greatest!

{seven}

I'm glad its Friday because my very limited amount of patience is completely spent. I really want more than five minutes between toddler needs. Sometimes its just the asking every five minutes no matter what its for that just puts me over the edge...I wonder how old kids have to be to impose mandatory periods of silence like a monastery??