If You Marry An Older Man “You’ll End Up Childless, Sex Starved And Cutting His Toenails”

So says The Daily Mail, a go-to source when it comes to ways you might be ruining your life. A woman who married a man 22 years older than her reports:

While her new middle-aged husband might seem mature and exotic, in a decade or two he and her marriage are likely to change very rapidly.

One day she may wake up and discover that she is no longer a wife but an unpaid geriatric nurse, working around the clock and sleeping with a man who resembles an aged grandfather.

Possibly most painfully of all, she may find herself facing middle age childless, having sacrificed her fertile years to a man who’d put his parenting years behind him.

Well, yes, people who are older than you are bound to be… older than you. That is, closer to death. Kids today. They always forget about death. Maybe don’t marry and older man if you’ve forgotten about that.

But then she goes on to say…

Our sex life had never been particularly active, however. I can say with absolute honesty that I can count on one hand the number of times Carol and I were intimate.

Wait, what? No, no, this is a lesson in not marrying someone you do not have sex with, almost ever. And then:

In 1995, when I was 38 and Carol 60, he was admitted to hospital for open-heart surgery. The procedure went disastrously wrong, and he contracted MRSA, leaving him in a coma for six weeks. When he gained consciousness, and was still unable to speak, he proposed by scrawling on a piece of paper: ‘Will you marry me?’

Don’t marry someone who just got out of a coma! Have you never seen a soap opera, woman? This doesn’t end well. Also, you were 38. You never saw a soap opera by the time you were 38? Then, later:

Four years after our wedding, in 1999, Carol walked out on me for three months.

He left no note, and when he returned he refused to discuss his reasons for going. I was devastated yet I still took him back.

Dude, don’t be married to people who don’t respect you enough to leave you a note informing you that they are leaving you. Before you marry someone, make sure they are willing to do that.

Basically, what I’m getting out of this article is not “don’t marry and older man” so much as “don’t marry someone who it is very clearly not a great idea to marry.” Everyone good with that? Okay. Good. Don’t do that.