Need a place to vent and get feedback from people who can relate.

First let me give a little background as to where I am currently at...

Im 37 yrs old and going through divorce...mediation is to take place on 12/23 so I have ample amounts of stress due to that. I have 4 amazing kids 2 girls (12, 4 yrs old) and 2 boys (10, 8 yrs old). My oldest is going through a lot right now and has been cutting to deal with her own issues. My 10 yr old has ADHD and has been having a rough time due to med changes. I have just completed 18 months of school to get an AS degree in Medical Assisting while taking care of my parents.

Now...to the reason I am here. I moved in with my parents in April 2012 to take care of my mom who was about to have lumbar fusion surgery. That was difficult...being up and down with her every night due to pain. My father has dementia after he had surgery 3 yrs ago to remove his prostate after being diagnosed with prostate cancer, so he was unable to help me.

My dads dementia is now moderate. His short term memory is about 5 mins...anything longer and its gone.

My moms health has been bad since her surgery last year. Ive had her hospitalized a few times since August. Pheumonia, C-diff, DVT, and she was diagnosed with 3rd stage squamous cell carcinoma of the rectum in October. Her anxiety and depression has gotten the best of her. She refuses to get help with both unless her family Dr is the one prescribing the meds.

This is my first go around with cancer. Ive never been close to anyone with it as an adult. Monday she starts chemo and radiation. Her chemo will be continuous for 5 days at home and radiation daily. She is so scared and her fear leads to her getting inside of her own head and escalating her anxiety and depression to mind boggling heights.

My father hasnt taken his meds in over a week, doesnt want to eat due to no appetite and since hes not taking his meds, he doesnt get his megace which stimulates his appetite. Hes not hydrating well either, and is completely incontinent and has a bad habit of literally digging feces out of his rear end.

Mom doesnt want him to go to a nursing home, but she is always so frustrated with his bad habits and refusing to help around the house. Its a nasty cycle between them. She has agreed to let me have him put in rehab so she can focus on her own health. I am both relieved and sad. I love my father so much but I know that hes going to continue to decline at home. 4 yrs ago I was caregiver to my mother in law who had dementia and that was so hard. Now, its my own dad which makes it worse!

For my own emotional/physical well being, I am shutting off my emotions often. Especially when I am dealing with my mom. I kinda put myself on auto-pilot because I have to get through my days and if I get sucked into all the emotional drama then I will be no good to anyone...especially myself.

The issue is that even though my friends care and love me...they cannot relate. There are times when I vent on FB but Im not getting the feedback that I need.

There are days when I wake up in the morning and wonder how I made it through the previous day. I know things are about to get worse...I know my mom is going to be weak and maybe even physically sick. Im scared not only for her, but for myself. I just need to know Im not the only one whos going through this kind of insanity. Need to find a place where I can vent and there will be constructive support to help me cope when things get bad. Communication is very important to me, I have no issues with recognizing when I need help and asking for it.

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to read of your family's problems. You are here and this is where you belong to vent, cry, or just plain let it all out. We are all in a similar situation and can relate to the pain and frustration involved in caring for a spouse or parent with medical issues as serious as those of your parents. My spouse of 39 yrs has moderate dementia, his memory is about 2 seconds but so far is still taking care of himself but I know what is to come and also know that I will have the encouragement and support I need to "get through it" right here. God Bless and may he give you strength.

The poop. The poop. The poop. It is literally the hardest part. It is the part that makes me feel that I can't do this. My mom tries to dig it out and if given half a chance she will dig it out. It gets everywhere. I gag. I try not to show her how disgusted I am because this isn't her. She deserves to maintain her dignity. But damn it. I'm only 32! She is only 63. Only 2 short years ago diagnosed with this monster.
And that's my rant and vent. It sucks man. It sucks. All of it.

"There are days when I wake up in the morning and wonder how I made it through the previous day"
Wow, I know that mantra! I am new to this site but I can tell you you're not alone. Most of the time I am too overwhelmed with multiple two-parent issues that I can't even pick one to rant about. It's helpful to me then to read other people's stories, know I'M not alone, and offer encouragement where I can. We DO make it through the previous day and then get up to do it all again. We must be total amazing rock stars from mars! Hang in there!

Happy New Year - Any suggestions or recommendations for a support group in the New York City Area? Taking care of my father who lives about 45 minutes away from me and who is becoming extremely difficult to deal with. Thank you.

Oh my, I feel like I have no room to complain after hearing your situation Disap. I wish I could help in some way. I am currently caring for my 92 year old mother. She is in fairly good health for her age, no dementia or anything like that but she is physically weak from age. She does suffer from non diabetic neuropathy in her legs and severe arthritic pain. The hardest part is the chronic pain and there is nothing I can do to alleviate it. She has also become somewhat hostile and no matter what I ask her or try to do she barks at me. I have 6 siblings who live in other states so they are not around. No matter what I do to try to make her happy it does not work and she just snaps at me. So in comparison I have no reason to complain as I see folks like you who have it so much harder. I wish the best for you and your parents and hope you can get the respite that you need. God Bless you.

Any chance that your ex-husband can take the 4 children while you deal with your parents? Sounds like way too much daily/nightly stress for children to be surrounded by. For their own long-term well-being, where you are living does not sound like a healthy environment in any way.

This would probably allow you to deal more effectively with your parents' needs.

The best advice I can give is in my most recent post on my blog about caring for my mother for the past couple of years. Thank you for sharing your story, I would love to share mine also:
http://homesbythecase.blogspot.com/

Hang in there. You can pray, ask close friends to come sit with them for even hakf hour increments, go on a walk. You got your degree, that is great! Maybe your ex can give you respite once in a while. Rehab for your dad will be good. I am caring for my 90 year old father with dementia. He is not incontinent, and in good health.....but he thinks he is vacationing st my house! In reality I can't allow him to o hm.

I am currently caring for my mom who has Parkinson's. I quit my job last year to give her a little more care. There has been days that I'm ready to call it quits! What do you do when she seems on think she knows everything! We have been unable to get anyone to say she has a touch of dementia. She will argue every little thing! Calgon...take me away!! Anyone have any advice?

My wife has been a caregiver since 2001 when our son was stung by a bee and had his first time allergic reaction. Oxygen was cut off and he went into a coma for 68 days. At the age of 27, they diagnosed him with TBI causing brain stem damage to his motor skills. He is in a wheelchair and needs 24 hr a day care. Help going to the restroom, getting dressed and a lift to get him in and out of bed. When he got stung, we had a small pool hall / snack bar. We lost all during that period including the place we were living. We were also taking care of my father-in-law who was showing the first signs of alzheimer. We knew we needed financial help bad. But we kept getting turned down for reasons like, his age {not a senior} or his injury { not due to blunt force}. Eight yrs. later we were months from being homeless. No help in sight from anyone or program. The last thing we wanted was to put them in a nursing home. Finally we were told my wife could be paid as our son's caregiver. My fahter-in-law got worse, we had him and my son sleeping on hospital beds in our dining room on hospital beds. He started sundowning and getting violent, messing himself and keeping my son awake with his screaming. Six months of that and we finally had to let him go to a nursing home. Five months later he died and the nursing home sent us a bill of $6,200 for his care that they said his social security didnt cover. He had a life insurance policy of $5,000. It barely covered his funeral expences. Now my wifes brother and sister who never helped in any way, not even to watch him a day to give us relief, wanted a share of his insurance! People have no idea of the finacial and emotional expence that a in home caregiver go through. The stress alone has resulted in both of us having high blood pressue and other health problems. There is no such thing as a day off. We could get a nurse in to watch our son, but that would subject him to the humiliation of having a stranger wipe his butt and clean him up. We dont have much, but we will continue to take care of our own as long as can. Our main problem now is the state of Pa. cutting the pay my wife gets for caring for him.

I'm Andrea. I feel alone and isolated, I have no one to vent to, no one who understands what I'm going through..My sisters never answer their phones when I call, or never reply when I text....I wonder to myself, what happened, why are they acting like this, I thought they loved my mom...They are not compassionate or kind...They have no concern for my feelings/welfare or my mothers.....why why why?

ichc is so true. its hard to vent because you feel like you re betraying your patients privacy... so dont mention names or their relationship to you. when i talk to people i say someone i use to know would take care of someone they knew and i felt much less guilty. ''this is not what i signed up for'' we have so many crisis going on in america right now but i think this one is one of the largest over 50 million americans are family caregivers i have heard before and over half are unpaid. my mom would say to me just keep doing the next right thing

I moved from large metro area to small town in middle of nowhere so that my Mom could live at home. While siblings tell rehab places they'll help, they don't - works been great and allowed me to transfer but sometimes am unable to leave house for days on end. Mom is unmotivated to do rehab exercises. Not getting any support - as sibs would be happy if she was in a facility and not have to be dealt with - any suggestions on how to get through this would be much appreciated. Thanks

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Caregiver Action Network

Caregiver Action Network is the nation’s leading family caregiver organization working to improve the quality of life for the more than 90 million Americans who care for loved ones with chronic conditions, disabilities, disease, or the frailties of old age. CAN serves a broad spectrum of family caregivers ranging from the parents of children with special needs, to the families and friends of wounded soldiers; from a young couple dealing with a diagnosis of MS, to adult children caring for parents with Alzheimer’s disease. CAN (the National Family Caregivers Association) is a non-profit organization providing education, peer support, and resources to family caregivers across the country free of charge.