This is one of my favorite Christian letters. At least this Christian is actually trying to follow his religion. Christians usually go off telling you to burn in hell, etc. This one seems particularly nice. I would be his friend and teach him proper grammar.

I love these guys, these hippie Christian types. I used to be one of them. You know what, I did what he said. Years and years ago. It was great, it was exactly as he described it. And then I started trying to convert people, because I wanted them to feel what I was feeling. And then, I realized that I suddenly had no friends. I was alone in the world, except for Jesus. And then I realized that everyone else hated me, because as much as I was trying not to be, I was still being a total dick to everyone. Fuck you, Jesus. You turned me into a dick. I’m much better now though. I know His Noodly Goodness now. Praise be to the FSM.
rAmen.

- Well Wayne, you know what they say: You don’t have to be crazy to be part of any religion, but it sure does help. Absolutely.

- If it helps you to think that it’s all a hoax that is fine. At least you are thinking about it. (And really, … it’s not a hoax. You have seen the web site.)

- There is always time for Him. The giving of yourself to the Almighty Starchy One is a sure path to new (and old), enlightenment.

- You want to talk about Christians? You mean the Rambos’ of religion? OK. What about them?
- I took your advice this morning. After my shower I was looking at myself and I came to realize; I am male, but yet I have nipples. ??
- What are we? That’s an easy one, sort of: 99.8% carbon based life form + .1% pure semolina wheat + .1% nipples.

- My friend, I am very happy to tell you that the C of the FSM is a totally nut free religion. OK, maybe a little in the pesto sauce, but that’s all.
(BTW, and just to be clear, our Church doesn’t fly. Only the Spaghetti Monster flies.)

- Cool, that will save me a bunch of time talking, writing and thinking about Jesus. Do you suppose he might drop me by the grocer’s before he brings me to Him? I have no doubt that I will probably need to pick-up some pasta sauce on the way. After all, it is considered rude by some to show-up for dinner empty handed.

- That is truly wonderful, Wayne. And the FSM sticks close to me. (That’s how we know He’s fully cooked.) Sometimes though, to be honest, I question the love part? You see, I am over six feet tall*.
*Please refer the FSM theories and research regarding gravity. (Gospel of the FSM c1: p5)

- Sorry, no disrespect meant but, WHAT?

- He has taken over my life, Wayne. But, I have this sneaking suspicion that we are talking about a different “He” here … And Wayne, when The Noodley One was accepted by me, you are right, I was never the same again.
However, and somewhat more importantly here, He never hit me, in fact there was no violence involved at all. You do realize, and it is a verifiable fact, that FSMism is the most peaceful religion ever in the history of this earth? There has never, ever been even one death on this earth attributed to, or caused in the name of The FSM.

- That is really nice to hear, after all, I bare no ill will against him either, or any of his ever vigilant, ever righteous and ever self questioning followers’.

Thanks for your correspondence, Wayne. And please feel free to drop by again to give us more of your opinions anytime you like.
Ramen! Mattie,
CanadaBri

Let’s talk about hoaxes, Wayne.
You know, NOTHING about the biblical account of the birth, life and death of Jesus passes the smell test.

A) the birth: Let’s go waaaay out on a limb and say the virgin birth was a miracle. Even so, the story of having to travel to Bethlehem is illogical BS. Bethlehem didn’t even EXIST at that time. But it does translate to “House of Bread”, which – along with the wise men, stable, star in the East, shepards, blahblahblah – was a time-worn fable used by several “saviors” long before the Jesus story came along. The Bible also contradicts itself on WHEN this happened. Quickly following this is the bogus story of the Slaughter of the Innocents – an act which surely would have spawned a revolution. Yet history is strangely silent on this supposed act.

B) the life: Why 30 years of silence? If you’re divine, you don’t have to mature first, do you? Seems like a large waste of time here while God learns the carpentry business. When he finally does get off his ass (literally) Jesus starts raising the dead, healing the blind and preaching to thousands – yet even local historians recording mundane events don’t give him a single mention. He should have ensured at least one of his apostles (worthless hangers-on is more like it) was a decent press agent.

C) the death: Again, if Jesus had preached to throngs, why did it take one of his own men to point him out to the gendarmes? Then there’s the state-of-the-art Roman justice system that uncharacteristically executes an innocent man AND fails to record it. This is followed by the time-honored 3 day resurrection after which he is seen by no one except his devoted followers.