Thursday, January 17, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Bill Clinton says that Hillary is so healthy that she will live to have three husbands after him. He’s just lucky she didn’t make herself a widow and start looking for number two after she found out about Monica.

A U.S. worker was found to be outsourcing his own job to China, paying a fifth of his salary to have someone else do his work while he played video games on the job. He was immediately given a raise and promotion by his company which said “Why didn’t we think of that?”

A study says that one in three people in Illinois are living in or near the poverty line. What’s worse is that the other two are trying to work their way up to that level.

A Florida man was run over and killed by his own car when his dog jumped on the accelerator. That’s what he gets for talking out loud about getting the dog neutered.

Tiger Woods is reportedly trying to win back his ex-wife Elin, offering to pay her $200 Million if he cheats again. She has to promise to never touch another 9 iron again the rest of her life.

Tiger Woods is reportedly trying to win back his ex-wife Elin, offering to pay her $200 Million if he cheats again. The price has gone up. Last time it cost him just $100 Million for cheating on her fifteen times.

Carmakers are steering away from steel parts to meet goals for fuel economy. Which in the U.S. means the heaviest part of any car is now the passengers.

A study says that 60% of young Americans are planning to buy a gun at some point in their life. The other 40% are more interested in becoming old Americans.

A study says that 60% of young Americans are planning to buy a gun at some point in their life. Mostly when they lose their job and their unemployment runs out and they need to hold up convenience stores to get by.

A man says that $400,000 worth of diamonds was stolen from his car in a parking lot at an Orlando restaurant. Witnesses describe the thieves as a mouse, a duck and two princesses.

A man says that $400,000 worth of diamonds was stolen from his car in a parking lot at an Orlando restaurant. It was the biggest heist in Orlando other than anyone buying passes for the entire family at Disney World.

A man says that $400,000 worth of diamonds was stolen from his car in a parking lot at an Orlando restaurant. Apparently the driver left them in the car because he was afraid of leaving them at the restaurant if he took them inside.

A study says there were 20,000 Emergency Room visits related to energy drinks in 2011. The good thing is that all the people reported making it to the ER in record time.

A study says there were 20,000 visits to Emergency Room visits related to energy drinks in 2011. Which is nothing compared to the ER visits from being obese from drinking too many sodas or being drunk from drinking too many beers.

Defense Secretary Leon Panetta met with Pope Benedict XVI and asked the Pontiff to pray for him. The Pope says for now he is just praying for any other countries that have oil that we are thinking of invading.

Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford says he is planning to run for Congress. That way he can actually use hiking the Appalachian Trail as an excuse for walking to work to Washington, D.C.

Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford says he is planning to run for Congress. Instead of throwing the whole state into turmoil when he disappeared for a week as Governor, this way he can disappear for two years and no one will notice.

A survey says that most Americans under 30 don’t understand the decision in Roe v. Wade. Mostly because so many girls want to keep their babies when they get pregnant so they can audition for “Teen Mom”.

Rescuers in Oregon freed a woman who was trapped between two buildings. How fat are we getting that we can’t even squeeze through an alley anymore?

J.P. Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon saw his pay cut in half from $23 Million to $11.5 million a year after the company lost $6 Billion in questionable trading. He’s just lucky his pinstripes are still vertical and not horizontal.

J.P. Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon saw his pay cut in half from $23 Million to $11.5 million a year after the company lost $6 Billion in questionable trading. There could be other job losses as well. Dimon may have to lay off two chauffeurs, three chefs and a doorman.

Orkin says that Chicago is the worst city for bedbugs. People say they hope they can get back to where all the blood sucking parasites can be found at city hall where they belong.

A report says that California is experiencing a shortage of children under 10. The Catholic Church says if that trend continues, good luck hiring any more priests in that state.

21 people were charged in an unemployment fraud scheme in California. Apparently the people were so used to collecting unemployment, they forgot to stop after they actually found jobs.

A report says that Nevada has the lowest percentage of people who have gotten flu shots. Mostly because in Las Vegas there are so many other more serious diseases to be concerned about catching.

General Stanley McChrystal says the success of the search for Osama Bin Laden can be tied directly to the War in Iraq. Of course, if we hadn’t gone into Iraq in the first place we would have gotten him in Tora Bora about six years sooner.

U.S. mobile retail sales are expected to reach $31 Billion by 2017. And you thought opening your cellphone bill was a shock now.

Two drunk women forced an emergency landing of a British Airways flight. That’s what happens when a travel agent books the same flight for Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.

Kim Kardashian says it was “kind of a miracle” she got pregnant. Here’s a woman who made a sex tape and married an NBA player. It’s more a miracle she didn’t get pregnant years before.

Miss Alabama Katherine Webb will reportedly cover the Super Bowl for “Inside Edition”. She will have her own security detail to keep away fans, drunks and Brent Musberger.

Lance Armstrong reportedly told Oprah Winfrey that people can decide for themselves if he is telling the truth. Which is pretty much something only someone would say if they are lying.

Lance Armstrong reportedly told Oprah Winfrey that people can decide for themselves if he is telling the truth. To this point, that pretty much means “No” if his lips are moving.

A Brazilian website will come up with a fake girlfriend to put on men’s Facebook accounts for $20. Or as tech people call that, “having a girlfriend.”

A Brazilian website will come up with a fake girlfriend to put on men’s Facebook accounts for $20. If that works out well, the company will introduce them to a Nigerian Prince who promises to make them rich.

United Airlines will become the first U.S. carrier to offer Wi-Fi on long flights. Which will finally give passengers something to do for the four hours they sit on the tarmac waiting to take off.

United Airlines will become the first U.S. carrier to offer Wi-Fi on long flights. Which will allow people to book another flight on route once they realize their connecting flight on United has been canceled.

A study says that fire ants have the first “social chromosome” ever discovered. Or as men call that, the X chromosome.

A study says that fire ants have the first “social chromosome” ever discovered. The question is, who wants to be social with a fire ant?

A study says that crabs can feel pain. Although not as much as you will feel when your wife out you have given them to her.

The Governor of Kansas says he wants to end the mortgage deduction. Some people are so mad they are saying they will just let the next tornado take them to another state.

U.S. CEOs are pushing a plan to increase the retirement age to 70. The only problem is those same CEOs will lay off any of their workers once they reach 50.

U.S. CEOs are pushing a plan to increase the retirement age to 70. Apparently they feel if all their outsourced workers in China can’t retire, why should we?

U.S. CEOs are pushing a plan to increase the retirement age to 70. To which most Americans are asking “What’s retirement?”

U.S. CEOs are pushing a plan to increase the retirement age to 70. The CEOs say that even they couldn’t afford their own island until they were at least 60.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for enjoying and taking part in my hobby. It was either this or smoking crack, to which many people say “What’s the difference?” At least this is less expensive. Especially for you. All I ask for is you to remember to occasionally send the love!