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A big, fat fraud

Of all my flaws and failings, the hardest to overcome is the imposter syndrome. As a writer (and in other fields of endeavor), I skate through life on thin blades, trusting that the only thing that prevents you all from seeing exactly how incompetent I am is my ability to maintain the fiction of competence.

There's a school of thought which says, "Fake it until you make it." Taken through the lens of impostor syndrome, this approach means that the skill I've developed to the keenest degree is not the ability to write, but the ability to fake it.

I started a blog and wrote blog posts until you couldn't tell me from a real blogger. I wrote flash fiction stories until I got good enough at it that I could trick you into thinking I could write decent flash fiction stories. I critted, beta-read, and edited other people's work until I became a more convincing editor. I wrote and abandoned a dozen half-novels in preparation for writing an actual novel - a perfectly unassailable prop to sustain the fiction that I'm a novelist. I even have a WIP in the can, awaiting my attention. What could be more convincing for this act I'm perpetuating than a half-finished sophomore effort?

All of these accomplishments feel to me like expertly forged papers, with a fake name and a photoshopped picture. Written in a language that is not my mother tongue, they are the passport, driver's license, and birth certificate which allows me to move freely in a country not my own. I feel as though I'm not an immigrant, or even a resident alien, but still on a tourist visa.

However much I work to learn the ways and customs, however hard I work to erase my foreigner's accent, I suspect I'll always feel a stranger in this strange land.

14 comments:

There's a logical fallacy in your reasoning, Tony. If you're doing something and you're good at it (and you ARE), you're not a fraud, except to yourself and your insecurity. WE know you're the real deal -- now you need to know it too.

I understand the question. These accomplishments aren't mere figments of an overheated imagination. They're real. I did actually write a book and I did actually publish it. People have bought it, read it, liked it, and said so publicly.

Being unable to accept the reality of this success when it stares one in the face surely is an indication of an unhinged, broken psyche.

I wish it were that simple. The issue is not the facts before me - those are incontrovertible. It's my reactions to those facts that are problematic. To rewire my mind so as to have a different constellations of emotions triggered by a given set of stimuli would be a great trick. I'm not bothered by spiders, but I've got a serious thing about stinging insects. Why can't I just rewire my mind about that stuff while I'm at it?

Emotions are not automatically translated into actions, however. One's emotional response can be controlled through will and intellect so that it doesn't become the primary driver of behavior. As an adult, I've learned to not freak out and start swatting at things when faced with a wasp at eye level. That doesn't mean I'm not still really bothered by them.

Similarly, although I feel like a tremendous fraud as a writer, I know that my next book is waiting for me when my current hiatus is over. I'll feel guilty for putting another one over on you, and afraid that the reaction will be, "When will he realize that we all know he can't write?" Those are emotional responses. As a rational adult, I'll try not to let myself be driven by emotions alone.

Perhaps "Sorted" was the wrong word to use and I'm a bit saddened that it was your response to my comment that's ended up in your newer blog post - at no point was I attempting to lessen or dismiss your concerns, merely point out logically that you can't fake publishing a book. No, emotions aren't translated into actions BUT actions don't only spark one set of emotions. I don't usually broadcast it but I suffer from terrible anxiety so I know it's easy to focus on the 'default' emotions in response to something. I always assume I'm at fault, and I must have done something wrong. But I'm now making myself look at the bigger picture to combat that. I've had crappy sales for Guns, and I could easily assume it's because I'm a terrible writer, I shouldn't be publishing, and why did I ever think I could make a go of it as a writer, but at the same time I have to bear in mind how narrow the genre is, how little promotion it's really had, how much it was mishandled by the original publisher, and so on. Yes you'll have emotional responses to things but you have to temper them with reason - yes, as you point out, you've still be bothered by them, but you'll still be writing and publishing - and it's those actions that your readers will remember, not how you personally felt about it.

I'm with Icy on this. If you write, you're a writer. If you've written a novel, you're a novelist. If you've published that novel, you're a published novelist. You wrote a blog post, so you're a blogger. There's no FAKING it when you're actually doing the things you say you're faking. You either do them or not.

If you want to argue quality, that's more subjective, but if the opinions of your peers mean anything at all then you know that at last some people, hopefully people you respect, think your work is good. Lots of artists have FAKER syndrome. I remember an interview with a director, I can't remember which one but he was really successful and famous, saying he was just waiting for people to realize he didn't know what the hell he was doing. There's several podcast episodes of "I Should Be Writing" where Mur Lafferty talks about feeling like an imposter, even though she's blogged, podcasted, self-published, and now traditionally published with a very successful first novel and the sequel just published. Lots of successful and creative people feel that same way. You are not alone. :)

Thanks, Cathy. Yes, I know that people like what I've written, and I know that these are people (you included) who know good stuff from bad, and who can tell when something isn't up to scratch.

In my response above, I noted the irrationality of my reactions. I also know that I'm not alone in this. After all, there's a clinical name for what I'm feeling, so lots of people have the same syndrome. Knowing that there's nothing unique about it helps to bolster the rational effort required to overcome it, but it doesn't do much to dampen the emotions themselves.

I'm disappointed in sales, of course, and rationally interpret that as a failure of quality, promotion and/or both. But dissatisfaction with what I've written (or the reaction to it) isn't the same as imposter syndrome. Perhaps they contribute, but it's a small part.

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This is my writing blog, which means you'll find fiction (short, medium and long), thoughts, ideas, experiments and other grammatically correct prose. The pages at the top will take you to my publications and samples of my writing. I'd love to know what you think, so feel free to leave comments on anything you read.

What I write: flash fiction, action/adventure, science fiction, horror and fantasy. I also write geeky, funny poetry, including the ever popular "Ode to the Semicolon"

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