30 posts in this topic

Louise

I thoroughly recommend a reading of 'Stalked: Breaking the Silence on the Crime of Stalking in America', by Melita Schaum and Karen Parrish. It is full of helpful and validating information about the emotional, legal and other, dimensions of the crime of stalking.

I decided to share a little about it here - somebody may find it useful.<p>Stalking is a serious problem, and entails a deliberate pattern of threatening or annoying behaviour in the form of following you, threats, phone calls, letters, emails, sending "gifts" ("nice" gifts like flowers, or macabre items like dismembered animal parts), driving by your home, approaching you or your property, or surveillance - watching you, or tapping your phone.<p>A few facts:<p>Stalking is overwhelmingly committed after the end of a relationship; most particularly one in which there was violence. Approximately 90% of women murdered by ex-spouses were stalked prior to the killing.<p>Children may be stalked by sexual offenders for a considerable time before being assaulted.<p>Teenagers often face stalking from spurned, or otherwise obsessed schoolmates.<p>It may be committed by anyone - a complete stranger, or somebody you met just once.

It may be short term, or in some cases span many years - stalkers have gone to great lengths to discover towns or even countries that their victims flee to, and follow them there.<p>Stalking may appear to cease for a period of time, only to begin again just as the victim starts to feel safer.<p>A victim may not even know who his/her stalker is, and they can be notoriously hard to apprehend.<p>Common causes of stalking are:

erotomania -a psychosis in which the stalker is deluded into thinking that the victim loves him or her. He/she thinks that the victim will appreciate his/her attempts to make contact. He/she lives in an alternate reality in which it is believed that the stalker and the victim 'belong together'.

A desire to pursue and reclaim - particularly true post a relationship, and also often contains elements of alternate reality. Ex-partners often feel that they have a right to pursue, reclaim and dominate their ex-partner.

power - the stalker feels powerful by frightening and intimidating somebody.

plain malice - The stalker bears a grudge against the victim, and enjoys causing distress.<p>It is often fuelled by the stalker's obsession with the victim. The stalker is preoccupied continually with the victim<p>If you have been stalked, or are being stalked:<p>It is not your fault. Anyone can be selected by a stalker. In some cases they are truly dangerous, and mean harm - they may intend to commit rape or even homicide. But even if physical violence is not their intention, stalking is still a frightening invasion of your life and safety.<p>Never think that your fear or anguish means you are overreacting. You're not - the repeated exposure to the fear and unsafety caused by stalking has been known to cause PTSD. Experts have identified a condition they call 'Inescapable Shock Trauma" - IST - Which is similar to PTSD (i.e. nightmares, poor sleep, depression, anxiety) and manifests in stalking victims. It may be especially severe in those who have attempted unsuccessfully to stop the stalking, or who have been 'played' with i.e. it stops and starts. Prolonged exposure to the unsafety of stalking is a real wound. People have been inclined to think that if they ignore it, will go away. If you are lucky, this may be true. But where a stalker is operating from obsession, no amount of ignoring them is likely to end the problem.<p>It is common for people close to the victim to minimize the fear i.e. they 'he hasn't really done anything so don't worry'; 'shouldn't you be flattered by the attention?'. Alternately, they may face blame i.e. 'what did you do to attract his attention?'<p>Try not to take any notice of such statements. Stalking is a very real violation. Stalking is a Crime.Your fear is perfectly justified<p>You can take police action, and seek a restraining order. If the police won't act, ask to see somebody higher<p>Like perpetrators of sexual violence, stalkers often thrive on secrecy. Break the silence. Get support. Many rape crisis counsellors are aware of the terror stalking causes, and will respond helpfully and empathically.<p>If you are taking police action, evidence is important. Always record dates and times of incidents. Preserve emails and letters, or gifts. Keep telephone messages.<p>Never attempt to apprehend your stalker. This may be extremely dangerous. Correspondence with them may be tendered in court as proof that you were doing the harassing!<p>Stay safe - how is your home security? Can a colleague walk you to your car after work? Dogs may be useful, as may be a course in self-defence.<p>Cyberstalking has grown to worrying proprotions in recent years, and causes considerable fear and distress.<p>Stalking is a crime - a very distressing one. You deserve to be safe. There is help for you<p>Here are some online resources:<p>

Antistalking Resource Australian-based site provides information about stalking, including types of stalkers, and resources for managing this behaviour.

www.biziworks.com.au/biziworks/BiziGen?ownerID=RPURCELL&docID=1

Stalking Help Home - Resources for Victims of Stalking. ... personnel with scientifically validated, continuously updated information to help prevent stalking and its negative ...

Help for Victims of Stalking - ... support groups for victims of stalking and harassment ... definitions on victim issues, and other resources. ... National Self-Help Clearinghouse info@selfhelpweb.org ...

DMB - help resources: ¡°What to Do Before and After You Have a ... - ... people will be puzzled when we know they're stalking us! *writes down furiously in notebook*. ... Dodo's Message Board ?? lil clinic ?? help resources ?? ¡°What to ...

The Stalking Victims' Sanctuary - Site Index. A Safe Place For ... - ... The natural reactions of most stalking victims aggravate the ... strength and join together to help each other in ... We are constantly in search of resources to help ...

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NotYetHealed

Thank you so much for putting this up here. Unfortunately I do go through "cycles" with my r*pist where he does attempt to make contact via pay phone when he is in the area. He does not know my personal phone number in the home but does know that of my grandfather's and calls on that line ~ threatening innuendo ~ I do tape the calls and I think that he knows this so anything that he does say about the r*pe is, well, implied, "the next time we see each other it will be so much better", "it's always better the second time around", more of the same, more of the same.

I've been to the police and they have tried to help but because he is evasive and we aren't clear where he is living, it has been impossible in the past to serve him with a protective order. I think I will spend my afternoon doing a little research and see what other options may be available to me.

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Francesca

Thank you so much for the info. The sad thing is that one of my attackers, the one that I knew for years fits one type of the profiling so exactly. Things were fine when I did what I was told but now that I'm not in his direct control I fear that he will try to find me. I plan on utilizing ALL of my options in this case. Thank you again.

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kissi1977

Thank you Louise. I was stalked much like Lucia (big hugs hon!) without knowing it before my rape. The police think the guy had been stalking me for months and even went so far as to have my license plates run to get more information. I think that's part of what's so hard for me - since he hasn't been caught - all the what ifs. This info is great! Thank you.

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Guest

Unfortunately, there is more than one stalker in my situation. They show up at all the 'predictable' places, like the bus stop, bus, and the mall. They are relentless and some of them even go so far as to turn right around and give me obviously insulting and lewd looks and stares, right on the bus.

It is scary, but I've learned to take precautions; carrying mace, not going out alone at night, etc., in order to reduce the risk and level of anxiety. They drive by my apartment building and give me intimidating look when I am out walking.

It's not too bad right now, but it is summer, in the winter it will be more difficult to avoid going out after dark alone.

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*natalie

I'm sorry that he's doing this to you honey. His behaviour sounds troubling to me, alarm bells are going off in my head. I've been in a similar position before, and I worry that his behaviour might progress into something more than following. It sounds really scary and I think that you should talk to the police about it. Stalking is a very, very serious crime and the police treat it like that. Maybe its best to talk to them to see if they can get him to leave you alone?

Persephone

After the second or third letter he left in my door (he found out where I lived two days after I said hello to him in a Wal-Mart!) I went to the police and they told me to tell him that I was not interested! This guy was an Army Ranger!

I thought that was the wrong response; thank you for confirming that with this thread.

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Jeanette

I think part of what makes stalking so scary is the level of irrationality to it. My mother kept saying "you need to relax, now that he knows he will get in trouble, he will leave you alone". Uh, no. No rational person believes that the best way to get your woman back is to assault her and then stalk her. This is irrational, so consequences are not a deterent.

I got my stalking order after a LOT of research, and had to demand the police issue it. When I finally reached a receptive officier, she admitted she didn't know how to issue one, had never done, and no one in her department had. So she had to find out how to do that before she could issue it.

So be proactive, learn about the laws and don't accept the "he's just having a little trouble letting go" bullsh**.

I still worry, I still made sure when I changed jobs that my new employer understood that my information was not to be given out. My phone is unlisted.

Jeanette

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Persephone

Shortly after being stalked by that creepy psycho Army Ranger, some guy tried to get me to get into his car. He even offered me money for sex. A (now former) "friend" told me that I should be flattered from the attention and that she wished something like that would happen to her!

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silent star

just wanted to point out that women can stalk too. someone I used to know stalked a man after a very brief rebound relationship. she was very troubled (I don't speak to her anymore).

she was not physically violent but she was quite obsessed with him in a way that went far beyond anything rational and she blamed him for all of her obsession/pain. she also almost caused an accident by backing up in a panic as she drove by his house on one of her many drive-bys and found to her surprise that he was coming home and saw her.

Never think that your fear or anguish means you are overreacting. You're not - the repeated exposure to the fear and unsafety caused by stalking has been known to cause PTSD. Experts have identified a condition they call 'Inescapable Shock Trauma" - IST - Which is similar to PTSD (i.e. nightmares, poor sleep, depression, anxiety) and manifests in stalking victims. It may be especially severe in those who have attempted unsuccessfully to stop the stalking, or who have been 'played' with i.e. it stops and starts. Prolonged exposure to the unsafety of stalking is a real wound. People have been inclined to think that if they ignore it, will go away. If you are lucky, this may be true. But where a stalker is operating from obsession, no amount of ignoring them is likely to end the problem

This really got my attention. I was so leery about going into this post and reading it especially feeling like I have been feeling lately. The word stalking is even a trigger. But as I continued to read...well this validates so much for me. It is going on 4 years since the stalking began for me. Off and on...I don't know when it will start again and just when I think all is okay it all starts again and the police have all but given up. It doesn't feel like they are taking it seriously and neither does my family. Some have said I should feel flattered and it isn't that bad. It could be worse...those kind of statements. So I can't reach out to anyone. I feel like I am making a big deal out of it and all. And if it starts back up again are they going to help me?? This tells me that it is that serious. So serious...I mean how can it minimized...I was brutally *....but last year my dogs were shot. One of my dogs lost his leg. But still it isn't a big deal? Anyway...I have felt that I was just too sensitive, too paranoid, over reacting. I also thought it made my PTSD so much more worse but I couldn't get anyone to hear me. But this IST is exactly what I am go through...but I also know this is PTSD. Regardless though this helps me so much and the websites I am thankful for. I will have to come back little by little and read each one at a later time. But I just want to say thanks Louise.

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joanD

Thank you so much for putting this helpful information on Stalking on this website. My ex-boyfriend stalked me last summer, and it was a nightmare.

The local Domestic Abuse Council in this area told me that I couldn't have him arrested due to lack of evidence. That put me into a Depression, where I was afraid to go outdoors. My boss and other women helped, but a some people did not believe me.

This is still a very emotional issue for me. I am getting upset as I write this. He was emotionally abusive to me in the relationship. I just wanted to be rid of him after we broke up, and then he started stalking me.

I feel guilty that I allowed the abuse to go on as long as it did.I wish that I had been ...

I don't know what I wish. I loved this guy, and he was an abusive alcoholic, and he continued to stalk me after we broke up- with other girls. This has affected my self-esteem. I really need to get some help, and this area is totally limited in it's services.

Thanks for posting this. This websitew has been really helpful for me.