Thursday
I got a hilarious pet supply catalog in the mail yesterday. I
suppose it's not meant to be funny. I guess there must be people
who wait breathlessly by the mailbox to get their Foster &
Smith 'zine so they can reorder a supply of VitaCoat Plus with
Delicious Bacon Flavor that they secretly eat themselves. It's
the pictures that really kill me. Check this out:

The toys are bigger than
the DOG. And the copy says "Dogs like nothing more than
the feel of soft fleece with a squeaker underneath." What
the hell is going on here? They like NOTHING MORE? And the squeaker
underneath, that's essential? Dogs would snub the soft fleece
on its own? Come on, wouldn't dogs wouldn't rather chew their
own butts? I mean, that's been my experience.

Notice when you really
take a gander at the abnormally small dog, its face seems a little..off?
Its right eye seems to have a robotically alert expression, while
the left eye suggests a world weary 'once again they have misunderstood
my needs' look.

Here is a nifty gadget
for the caring pet owner who has TOTALLY LOST THEIR MIND. You
wear this contraption, you have robbed all dignity from your
pet and yourself. Even babies look dumb in these.

"Baby did a bad bad
thing." Be honest, doesn't this dog look just a little bit
like Billy Joel?

The other funny thing about
this catalog is that almost every page has a line in huge letters
that vaguely sounds like porn. Like:…tasty
flavors that DON'T STAIN!
Natural chews made from beef muscle.

And my favorite: Seven Inches of Firm Support
- 2 Ways!

By the way, if you spend
your morning scanning in retardo photos from a pet supply catalog...you
have way too much time on your hands.

:::

So I went to the dentist
yesterday. It's been a while, so I had to get the whole Xray
deal done. A grouchy hygienist sits me down in the awkward lean-back
chair, and looms over me asking "Do you GAG easily?".
A whole googolplex of naughty replies went through my head but
I restrained myself. Well, I don't think so, I say.

"The best way to avoid
GAGGING is to concentrate on your breathing." Crabby McSnippety
says. Now I'm becoming concerned. Are they going to insert a
toilet snake down my throat or something? No, but it definitely
was uncomfortable. She rammed many many plastic doohickeys in
my mouth to do the various Xrays, bitching at me when I bit "too
hard" or "not hard enough".

Reminded me of that Far
Side cartoon, where the dentists have all these things in a guy's
mouth, and one says something like "Just for fun, Mr. So-and-so,
we're going to see if we can also get these 3 tennis balls in
there."

The actual dentist whisked
in for about a nanosecond, carrying an air of extreme importance,
like maybe he was in the middle of a live Discovery Channel televised
root canal. Then I was sent off for a cleaning by another hygienist,
who had fake eyelashes so long they were all kind of mushed up
against her glasses. She took a deep breath when I sat down and
must never have inhaled again because she talked nonstop the
entire time with no discernible punctuation or continuity.

"So you're 28 well
I am 50 and let me tell you you have a whole life ahead of you
I mean you could live until 100 because a lot of people are doing
that now and just think of that 75 whole years to go practically
and what I want you to remember from visiting me is that flossing
isn't just getting that piece of chicken out oh no it's definitely
a horse of a different color I mean what if you took a shower
every day you get everything all clean I mean you wash the gee
whiz out of yourself but you miss your hair then your hair would
get a lot of buildup over time I like that Tom Brokaw he seems
like a straight shooter."

I just laid there thinking,
did she just use the phrase 'gee whiz' as an adjective?