Thursday, December 31, 2009

Well, busy day today. I need to touch base with the new landlord and drop off part of the deposit. Oh my! I haven't made the official announcement here yet. I'm moving...I mean, we're moving! Mel and I are moving to a lovely apartment on Lewis Boulevard in Danielson. It's a second floor apartment with beautiful hardwood floors and lots of charm! This place is really quite the find!!! (BTW, thank you Annie for the tip.)

Dennis, the new landlord is very attentive to his property. That's a big plus in my book. I've always been blessed with good landlords but I hear horror stories from friends who have not been so blessed and I shudder.

Midday I will hit a meeting...because I can. While somewhere in all this I shall try to get to Price Chopper to pick up some soda for the Alkathon. Need a sober place to spend the holiday? Come on down...from 6 PM tonight until 6 PM tomorrow there will be AA meetings, food, folks and fellowship! NOW THAT'S A PROPER PARTY!

The crew will be getting to St. Mary's Church in Putnam for 3 PM today to set up. Wanna join us? We'd love to see ya there. It's always a great time!!! Come for a little bit or come and stay the whole time. It's all good AND it's all sober!!! Woo Hoo!!!

Then tomorrow night, New Year's Day night that is...there is a sober AA Dance at St. Mary's in Putnam from 8 PM to midnight. There will be a DJ (the guy from the Sober Cruise) and more food, folks and fun! It's so much better to celebrate with high spirits instead of high on spirits! REALLY!!!

I don't know how late I will be staying at the Alkathon. I woke up tired this morning. My low-iron thang is really starting to get to me. Of course, a nap is out of the question. I don't do those 20 minute power naps folks...I sleep for hours! Then my sleep cycle is disrupted and I miss half my day. (AND NO ONE WANTS TO SEE SUE WHEN HER SLEEP CYCLE IS WAY OFF...CAN YOU SAY MANIC?) Besides, I have lots to do before 3 PM. Sleep is NOT part of my equation. Still, it is nice to be busy, to have purpose and direction, to fall asleep because I am actually tired.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

It is an indictment of the times in which we live that a simple drawing by an eight year old can cause such consternation.

Perhaps the standards in our post-Columbine world are such that anything perceived as questionable/violent requires careful review. I wonder why the Taunton school system doesn't have a psychologist on staff AND available for such incidents. Wouldn't it have been less drama to simple ask the child if he could explain his drawing to the "nice person (professional) who would like to know more about it?" Why make such a big deal? And, if the school felt the child had an issue (i.e., special need) isn't the SYSTEM responsible for any expenses related to that (i.e., the psych eval)?

Catholics and Episcopalians display crucifixes, which the majority of Protestant denominations do not find to their spiritual liking. Both sides are, of course, correct. It is what has meaning to you that counts. Christians are taught that Christ died for them...in their place. Is this a simple matter of cultural ignorance gone awry? Is this the result of the skewed interpretation of an eight year old?

I saw a follow up that this was NOT the actual picture and that the assignment was not to draw a Christmas picture. Well, I can see how that went down, can't you? School officials are unduly alarmed given our current social climate and send the kid home till an evaluation can be done on him. The parents ask the kid, "what the hell happened" and he says "I had to draw a Christmas picture" and he goes and draws a picture similar to what he drew in school. Perhaps the teacher asked for a picture of the season which to a Christian is NOT a request for a snow-filled scene of some sort. Adults play with semantics all the time...an eight year old isn't qualified to play those games.The kid in his understanding of "Jesus was born to die for your sins" puts himself on the cross so that the God he has been taught to love does not have to die for him. Had this been another time (say the 1950's) or another place (a faith-based school) the child would have received accolades for his generosity of spirit to offer himself so Jesus wouldn't have to die for him.

Bottom line...there will always be CHRIST in our public educational system as long as CHRISTIANS send their kids to public schools. And as long as Muslims, Jews, atheists, etc. continue to send their children to public school the diversity will be maddening at times as we try to grapple with what this means to us as a society.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I've had folks say, "Merry Christmas" and "Happy Holidays" to me. I don't mind either rendition of sincere wishes from a friend or a stranger's heart. It's not the words. When the spirit of the season shines through in what is spoken, then there is no wrong way to say it. When "Merry Christmas" is spoken grudgingly or by rote, then there is little spirit and little meaning that shines through. Why bother?

I keep hearing about service to others. Well, it is the twelfth month and therefore, the twelfth step is a common discussion topic at meetings. I like that about December. I like talking about the gifts that don't get put under the tree, those gifts that don't get wrapped and commercialized. The spirit of giving that prevails for this one solitary month in our culture is astounding. I wish it stayed on for the rest of the year. Yet, I do see evidence of it all around, all the time.

I see evidence on Freecycle.org of people offering to others, freely, with no strings attached. There is a wonderful generosity of spirit that lives in cyberspace yet exhibits itself locally. What a concept!

I see the spirit of giving in the 'Toys for Tots' program and the local food pantries and the Council of Churches help with heating fund. I see the willingness to be part of a larger whole in the scouts and the 4-H and the Rotary and the Lions who all do their part to build community. Volunteers offer service at schools and libraries and hospitals. There are foster parents and foster grandparents and mentors and people reaching out to others in so many ways, one generation helping and guiding the next. Churches, synagogues and mosques build bridges of hope and faith and unity to create a brighter tomorrow.

This week I received several prayers in my email...and then I shared them with others as well. I prayed for some friends and family and even complete strangers. I spent a few moments marvelling a the softly fallen snow as it blanketed a stormy December morning and experienced the awe of nature's ways.

I see kids rushing to line up to visit with Santa, full of the wonder and innocence of youth. I see the older folks slowly shuffling along, enjoying the scenery as they have come to appreciated the wisdom of taking life easy that comes with experience. Then there are those somewhere between the impetuousness of youth and the serenity of old age who seem to scurry along in a frenzy in one moment only to slow down and enjoy a leisurely pace in the next...caught between those worlds.

Christmas tunes abound on the radio sending a message of comfort and joy. The world soaks up the spirit of the season. It is a kinder, gentler time of year. The cold has not settled into our hearts but rather we are warmed by faith and love and family.

Madison Avenue steps in to insist we have to give 'more' and get 'more.' The advertising industry tries to sell us a bill of inferior, commercially produced goods. We resist, weakly and ineffectually. We often times give in while feeling the void, empty feeling that comes with their agenda. Then, we buck up and let the season take us where it may. We pick up the phone and connect with loved ones. We laugh and cry and share our memories of Christmas past. We remember loved ones who are gone and cherish those who are still here.

I hear folks speak of tough economic times, of getting back to basics, of a lean gift-giving season. Then I hear about family traditions and holiday get-togethers, about love, laughter and joys. I listen to the lessons of bonding and binding ourselves the people we hold dear and to the principles that are important to us. There's nothing missing here.

Perhaps the economy won't be stimulated in the way big business would like to see. But, hearts are being stimulated, rejuvenated and healed. People may or may not be coming to the malls, but, we are coming together. We're discovering that it is not what is under the tree that is set up in our house but rather it is the spirit in the home that makes it Christmas. When that spirit travels with us into the world, as we work and play and live our lives, then and only then, does the spirit of Christmas truly live. Only then can I truly experience that spirit of loving-kindness, of giving, of hope and of fellowship with other people.

I wish for all my family and friends the spirit of Christmas, not for this single month, but for always. I wish for this season to touch hearts and minds and to heal the souls of all who have lost their way in a busy world gone awry. I cannot wrap this gift and place it under anyone's tree. What I can do is live this Spirit of Christmas that I may keep it alive to give it away. I cannot hold onto it. I must offer it to others. Then indeed, it becomes the gift that keeps on giving.

Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! May the joy of this season reside in you, guide you and console you and provide you a path for your journey in the coming year.

Monday, November 30, 2009

The past is etched in the fire and brimstone of hellForming a story that I do not regret, though I know it well.It wreaks havoc within the here and now sublime.There is no holy nor unholy way to uncarve time,To change what has been written in history's noble posts.In my youth, they said the past had a haunting potential to create future ghosts.I had no idea the truth of that platitude inscribed upon a tender heart,No intention of finishing what I did not start.Yesterday a mighty fortress imprisons, holding sweet emotion hostage again.I am subdued, defeated, a pawn in the game of what has already been.There is no fight to fight, no battle a fair struggle could ever win.All the king's horses and all the king's men won't let me live those days again.A war of vicious, malevolent words silently screams to be wildly spokenAt the untethered tearing of frail human bonds we have brokenWhile not a vile breath is whispered past lips that are pursedWith the empty abyss between us, there's no need to make worse.The votes are in and the tally duly counted up right.My spirit protests with every shattered bit of its mightThough the scorecard says I have completely lost the fight.Surrendered to slumber to wait the dawning of the morning light.In the 'Battle of Again' there's no champion ever to come forthSave for the candle that lures in the unsuspecting flitting moth.

Friday, November 20, 2009

You are the dawning of the day and the setting of the sun.Your manifest in so many ways, though you are the One.It is Your gentle hand that lovingly guides me on my way.Your spirit resides within me whenever I come to pray,But more than this, You walk beside me each and every day.

You bestow such blessings upon me, both great and small,With such loving abundance, I cannot even count them all.I rejoice and I am grateful for You who bring me through,For all things made known to me and the unseen that You do.You are my God, my Savior, and my forever faithful friend,My staunchest ally who is with me to the very end.

Your love for me is unfaltering, yet sometimes I doubt,While You patiently wait for me to figure these things out.You are the questions that I ask and the answers that I seek.You are the font of strength I draw upon, for I am weak.

Thank You Lord, for Your saving grace on which I depend,For all that You offer me, the abundant lessons that You send.

Thank You for the vision to see Your presence all aroundAnd thank You especially for Your peace that I have foundAmong a cornucopia of blessings with which my life abounds.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

It's that time of year again when my INBOX collects diatribes on the "Merry Christmas" debate.

When I see those emails I am reminded of a time in this country when one said, "Season's Greetings," or perhaps, "Happy Holidays," not because it was politically correct but rather, just because. There was no hidden agenda. People just spoke from the heart of good tidings to their neighbors and even to strangers on the street. Funny how it is now so controversial, something that was said for so long with no intent to discount Christmas. Rather it was a general greeting inclusive of all the winter holidays...Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years...not meant to be exclusive of Christmas...not meant to be inclusive in a culturally diverse way...just a pleasant way of wishing folks well.

It leaves me with a certain sadness. It's not a sadness because we can't mention Christmas even. It is a sadness that even in wishing others well it has become so necessary to choose one's words so carefully. Then I think how often I've heard someone sneeze in the recent past and folks have said either, "Bless you," or "God bless you," without thinking twice.

What's wrong with just accepting good wishes from our fellows and just leaving it at that? It'd be nice if we could just say what was in our heart when addressing folks. It'd be nice if folks accepted well-wishes in the spirit of being given something of intrinsic value.

I think I shall continue to say whatever comes to mind first when I greet people this holiday season. Some times it will be "Season's Greetings," or "Happy Holidays," and other times it will be "Merry Christmas." I think it is most important that what I say be genuine. It's not the exact words that matter cause if the words, whatever they be, are not in the spirit of the season, then I've really given nothing.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Last night I saw the most beautiful sunset. I looked up from my computer and noticed the light show on the horizon. It was absolutely phenomenal! I couldn't believe it. The color was so deeply rich and amazingly full, exploding on the skyline. Mother nature sure can make quite the statement when she sets her mind to it!!!

Then this morning I woke up in unbelievable pain. OMG! I took two Ultram and just stayed put...didn't get out of bed until almost 11 AM. Even with the pain meds, I couldn't move well. I took my second dose of meds around supper time. Yet, I am still not able to stand upright. I can walk hunched over in kind of a hobbling sort of way.

I've been through so many tests...the CT scan (abdominal and pelvic), ultrasound (including transvaginal..UGH!), GI series, pap smear, x-rays, blood work not to mention being poked, prodded and examined by a gaggle of medical professionals on numerous occasions. I am really sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm not sure what else to do.

I think it is worse right now cause I am late with my period. I should have started at the beginning of the month. So, today I am gifted with groin pain...on both sides mind you...not to mention burning, crampy pain going across my lower abdomen accompanied by back cramps. I hate my ovaries. REALLY!!! Whatever else is going on with this groin thing, my cycle is so not making things any better.

I am emotionally and physically exhausted. The anemia doesn't help. The only medication I can get causes serious constipation...which I cannot handle with the groin thing. The constipation makes my pain go through the roof. So I am not taking any iron right now. I was on Pruvate for the anemia and that was working without the constipation issue but now the pharmacy says they can only get SeVate, which is another generic that is equivalent. I beg to differ on the whole equivalency thing. Not being able to function cause the medicine causes constipation that causes pain that requires medication that also causes constipation is INSANITY, ABSOLUTE INSANITY! When I get to that point it is too painful to even TRY to have a bowel movement.

So, I have dozed on and off all day on the couch, with a heating pad on my lower back and another one across my lower abdomen while taking Ultram and existinging somewhere between hoping that I don't have to have another bowel movement today and praying that I do have another one that's gonna be the one that makes the pain dissipate.

I am not happy that I missed out on a beautiful day. I would have liked to go about my ordinary business of living. Convalescing sucks! And, I am sick and tired of doing it!!! Alas, the choice is not mine. And, the cramps are back and the groin pain is getting too intense...time to go hang with my heating pads. Being tethered to the wall is not a lot of fun but I am not as uncomfortable that way. I am going back to my couch...which is where I have been all day long...very, very long day.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

With you, the tic-toc of the clock takes on a whole new meaning.Hours pass like seconds while time stands relentlessly still.The love of a life happens in a single, sure beat of my heartAs forever whispers softly with every earthly breath I take.Tomorrow and yesterday fade from shades of gray to blackWhile the eternal now consumes one moment of our lives togetherBeing with you, in our love, has shown me a glimpse of heaven.As God's hourglass etches passing grains of sand upon my soulIn your presence, there is a timelessness that makes me whole.This kindred spirit rejoices outside the bounds of time and spaceUnending passion began within a magnificent God's bountiful grace.

Melancholy is the mysterious mayhem of midnight's madnessAs slumber hides in recesses of unrelenting wakefulness.Toss to turn tired tempted thoughts into this abysmal abyss.Seek the sweet surrender to sleep's most serene bliss.To drift,Oh to waft...Yes to float away on a river of dreaming world amissAnd to wander upon a state of illusion that simply is.Wakefulness leads an over-weary head to wish for this.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

So I decide to NOT go to the concert at the Westfield Congregational Church tonight. I gather up my jammies and start to drawn a bath. Well, 1 1/2 inches of water and it starts coming out freaking cold! UGH!

So what do I do? Hey! I can take a hint, a.k.a., a nudge from above. I get out of the frigid waters and toss on some clothes...AND AWAY I GO! I hiked down to the church...got there early even. It was nice. I got to talk with Bethany for a while before the event and Kelly afterwards. I was surprised to find Bethany in charge of the reception and my buddies Kelly and Joe in the show.

Anyway, I just got back from the "Warm Hearts, Warm Homes" concert. I am so glad that I went!!! I heard some beautiful music that touched me deeply and had some laughs thanks to a couple of 'runaway nuns' and Killingly-Brooklyn's own sit down comic. What a nice down home evening.

I would have loved to see more folks there. It was for a good cause. The interfaith group was raising money to help needy folks with their heat this winter. It was lovely to see the young and the old together in community, in the interest of helping. My heart is indeed much warmer for the experience!

Gritty world of limited time and spaceThe simple purview, that youthful place.Not merely dirt but landscape too.A small place apart for you.Special arena where fantasy will do.Like childhood through the hourglassSilicone memories continue to pass.Sculpted impermanent in a fluid mediumChange is the inevitable outcome.Then one lonely day, the prince and princessCome not hither for their grimy process.They are grown, all gone and away,So the sandbox idles till another day,When another royal clan digs in deepOn the day they come to play for keeps.

The difference between me and God is that God never thought s/he was me!

It's said that if you can remember the 60's you weren't really there. Well, a lot of good things got said and done in the sixties but if we don't remember them, does that mean they didn't happen and they weren't said?

If a tree falls in the forest, isn't the forest still there?

Whether I accept life on life's terms or not does not change reality. Acceptance, however, does change me.

When one door closes, pay attention to what happens in the hall while you wait for the next door to open. The NOW exists where you are at, not where you want to be.

I am right where I am supposed to be, but I am not where I am supposed to stay.

It doesn't matter whether I learn from my successes or my failures for growth is always a positive outcome.

How I got here is less important than where I am going from here.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. What are you waiting for?

Monday, October 26, 2009

I was talking with Mel today. It's been a little while since I've put together a gratitude list. Hmm..what's that about? Well, there is only one way to correct that so here goes...

I am grateful for...the sun and the moon and stars in the sky...the clouds that bring rain and the ones that just drift by...the fish and the turtles and the sea creatures of all kinds...the beasts of the land and the birds that fly on the wind...family and friends who stand beside me through thick and thin...all the people who challenge me to be the best I've ever been...all the good times that bring a smile to my face...even the most disconcerting times I can embrace...the picture of the fall exploding with colors galore...the solitude and subtle colors of winter's grandeur...which give rise to springs rebirth in vibrant display...to bring summer to full bloom with nature's array...in the delicate features of the most fragrant of flowers...or the sacred stillness of life in the morn's wee hours...till the pace of time of takes off with glorious sunlight...offering opportunity for fancy to take real flight...life pulses on one beat at a time...offering experience subtle and sublime...madness and mayhem muffled by the mundane...serenity's victory conquers the most inane...with the human heart echoing love and faith...wisp of the human spirit drifting as a wraith...smile upon countenance I know from the inside out...what in the world would would I be ungrateful about?

Just some stray thoughts...and I think I have a poem in the midst of all that. Let's see how that plays out. NO FILM AT 11! LOL

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Well, my doctor's office called today. I have an appointment on November 2nd to discuss what to do about my anemia. That feels like such a looong way off. I am sick and tired of being so tired. A couple hours after I get up, I am ready for a looooong nap. I tend to fight that urge. I don't do the 20 minute power nap thing...never did. When I sleep I dedicate myself to the task at hand...for quite a while.

I could live without the ever-present headache and frequent dizziness and the fog I operate out of most of the time. And the sad part is, that's the stuff that isn't so very bad at all.

Early Tuesday morning (a litte after 4 AM) I woke up in pain. I tried to go back to sleep but only managed to toss and turn. At 10 AM I put o n the lidoderm patch...in the groin and on my lower back. I'm not sure what exactly they are supposed to do cause it really did nothing for me. So I kept in on the full 12 hours while taking ibuprofen to try to deal with the pain. I went about my usual activities. I've really come to resent that this pain comes and steals my days like it does. It's exhausting and frustrating and annoying and leaves me feeling like I am at wits end. The old saying, "when you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on" comes to mind. I am hanging onto that knot.

Late Tuesday/early Wednesday (3 AMish) I finally called the doctor on call. I had tried everything I could think of and nothing was working. The pain was unbearable...downright vicious. I am grateful that it is not a constant thing but even this recurring thing is getting to me. I called Generations answering service who had a nice doctor call me back, rather promptly at that. She was n ice enough and I was rather pleasant. I really didn't have the energy to be anything but pleasant. I had been in pain for almost 24 hours at that point. The doctor on-call suggested I go to the DKH ER. Those of you who know me, know I do not hold them in high regard. The last time I had been there they released me even though I was telling them I was in so much pain that I could not stand upright. They brought a wheel chair in so I could crawl into it and wheel myself out. Instead, I waited the additional 20-30 minutes for the pain to subside and hobbled out of their ER.

Sooo, when the on-call gal suggested I go there, I told her something to the effect that I didn't think you could get much service there unless you had a gun. Now I explained to her my last experience with them and how my wording was an expression of frustration with their system. She seemed to get that. She acknowledged that it must be very frustrating for me to be going through this for going on 6 months. She didn't seem unduly concerned with my off-the-cuff comment. She didn't have the police come to my door or anything.

Well, I tried to sleep but the pain just wasn't having it. I was desperate so I asked Mel to bring me to the ER. They put me in triage, asked my name and birth date and then the Putnam police arrived. They asked me why I had threatened to come to the ER with a weapon. I told them I had not done that and related what I had actually said. In the course of talking to them they determined that Troop D had jurisdiction cause I had talked to the doctor from my apartment. So then, Troop D comes in and asks me why I threatened to come to the ER with a weapon. UGH! So I explained to them what had transpired.

Troop D gave me a summons/ticket/whateverthehellyoucallthedamnthing with a court date. Then they left me there to be treated.

I get in the room and the nurse asks me about my physical complaint...a conversation that lasted all of a couple of minutes...and then proceeds to drill me about why I had called and said I was coming to the ER with a weapon. UGH! So, I calmly explained to her what I had actually said. She kept asking questions about specifics for 15 or 20 minutes. I wasn't sure what the point of that was. She wasn't qualified to do a psych eval...I mean the nurses just don't do that sort of thing.

Anyway, I got to hang out in the room for a while and then saw the doctor who poked and prodded and looked at blood test results and stuff like doctor's do. No answers there but I wasn't expecting any. I've kinda given up expecting that someone is gonna tell me what the hell is going on and why I am in extreme pain sometimes.

The doctor came back into the room and asked me if I really meant it when I said I was going to come to the ER with a weapon. UGH! So I explained yet again.

Does anyone out there want to ask me why I threatened to come to the ER with a gun? LMAO...it's a damn good thing I enjoy repeating myself.

I know I used a poor choice of words, for sure, no doubt. I have to go to court and tell that to the powers that be. In this day and age, saying 'son of gun' could get a body in trouble. I'd like to tell you what I was thinking when I said, but I surely was not thinking. I was too tired and in too much pain for too long and my brain was not functioning properly.

It did make me realize that I need help to negotiate this medical system. I can't fight this battle without wiser folks than me on my side. I don't know how this will all work out...it will be what it is gonna be. But I would like to know what is happening and why the pain keeps coming back. After six months of this, I don't think that is too much to ask. Is it?

Friday, September 25, 2009

I don't usually spend much time thinking about the 'straight and narrow' folks of the world. Tonight is not one of those times that I can disregard them entirely. I got some questions on my mind.

Do you think they were born that way or did some traumatic life-event stunt their intellectual, spiritual and emotional growth? I do believe that children learn what they live. I mean, if education isn't possible then public education really has no point. But I concede, not all education is of the intellectual variety. Look at athletes and dancers and actors of an exceptional level. There seems to be a physical agility, an intelligence of motion that most of us do not possess. Look at the great minds of philosophy and psychiatry like Jung and Freud and Nietzsche, they seem to possess an intuitive intelligence to a degree most of the rest of us lack.

So, how do we come think as we do? Is it innate (genetic, LOL) or is it learned? How do the institutions like government, family, school and church effect our minds? Are conservatives born or made? Yes indeed, where do conservatives of the political and religious types come from? And, more importantly, can we send them back there?

Why do some people think they can speak for God? Do they think they are that important? Must be pretty kewl to think you are that right all the time, huh? Why do some people think that I should conform to their vision of perfect reality? What the hell makes anyone think that they have a grip on what a perfect reality is? Hmmm...interesting question, eh?

Ever want to shove a pine tree down a conservatives' throat? I've heard that some parts are edible! (not a Euell Gibbons quote, but I couldn't' resist...LOL)

I look at all the outrageous things I've been told by the 'straight and narrow' types. UGH!

It's just a phase..........FOR THIRTY-SIX FREAKING YEARS????

If I pray for release this will be lifted from me...SO GOD MADE ME GAY SO I CAN PRAY TO NOT BE GAY SO HE CAN FIX ME???? GOD MUST BE VERRRRY BORED WITH THE UNIVERSE!!!

It's not normal...AND IT IS NORMAL TO WORRY ABOUT EVERYBODY ELSE LIFE BUT YOUR OWN???? AND JUST BECAUSE IT'S NOT YOUR NORMAL DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NOT MY NORMAL, BY THE WAY!!!

It's not healthy...REFER TO "It's not normal" response.

God's plan is....YOU CAN FILL IN THE BLANK WITH 'WHATEVER' HERE AS THE RELIGIONISTS GENERALLY DO!!!!

It's in the Bible....WELL THERE ARE ONLY 10 COMMANDMENTS, I'D THINK IF IT WAS THAT IMPORTANT THERE'D BE A COMMANDMENT JUST FOR THAT!!! WAS THAT AN OVERSIGHT?

It's in the Bible...WHY DIDN'T JESUS ADDRESS THIS? WAS THAT AN OVERSIGHT? DOES GOD COMMIT OVERSIGHTS?

Leviticus says, "Man shall not lie with man as with woman" ...WELL OF COURSE NOT, BASIC BIOLOGY, IT'S GOT TO BE DONE DIFFERENT, NOW DOESN'T IT? IS THAT PROHIBITION OR A HEADS-UP ON THE FACTS OF GAY LIFE? DUH!!!

Marriage is between a man and a woman...MARRIAGE IS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE AND THE DULY ELECTED GOVERNMENT THEY LIVE UNDER!!!

Gays will destroy the institution of marriage....HAVE YOU LOOKED AT THE DIVORCE RATES LATELY? HETEROSEXUALS ARE DOING A GOOD JOB ALL ON THEIR OWN.

Gays will destroy 'family' ...WHERE DO YOU THINK GAYS COME FROM? WHAT DO YOU THINK IT DOES TO A FAMILY TO BELIEVE CASTING OUT A LOVED ONE IS A GOOD IDEA?

Homosexuals are pedophiles...GET A DICTIONARY SO YOU CAN GET CLUE!!!

Gays want 'special' rights...LET'S SEE, THE RIGHT TO LOVE, TO MARRY LAWFULLY, TO CARE FOR OUR LOVED ONES, TO BE RESPECTED AND SAFE IN OUR BEING...HELLO! ARE THERE ANY HUMAN BEINGS WHO DO NOT WANT THOSE RIGHTS???

Dear God, please protect me from your zealots!

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray oh lord, the zealots at bay to keep,Should they rise up in rancor before I wake, I pray the lord their tongues to take.

Why, oh why, do those conservatives insist that I believe in the God of their understanding? And why the hell do they believe they completely, fully and utterly understand a being of infinite dimensions? Do they really think they can take the infinite and grasp it in the infinitesimal space between their two ears?

OH GIVE ME A HOME, WHERE THE ATHEISTS ROAM,WHERE THE QUEER AND DISENFRANCHISED PLAY.WHERE SELDOM IS HEARD A DISPARAGING WORDAND RELIGIONISTS ARE QUIET ALL DAY!HOME! HOME OF THE BASICALLY SANE!

See, I have a higher power, a god, if you like, of my understanding. I don't have to believe in yours. I have my own. And, incidentally, you can't have my higher power cause it won't work for you. Your straight and narrow mind couldn't begin to conceive of what I call the source of life and light and understanding. My god is Jesus and Allah and Vishnu and the Great Spirit and the four winds and the elements of water, earth, sky and fire; the hint of universal in a limited existence; things seen and unseen, things felt by my heart and soul which no one else will ever experience the way I do. That intimate relationship with the creative essence that I know personally assures me that I am on the right path, pursuing my journey as only I can.

SO GET YOUR PRESUMPTIVE HANDS OFF MY LIFE!!! GET INVOLVED IN YOUR OWN LIFE AND LEAVE THE REST OF US ALONE! ENOUGH OF YOUR HOLIER THAN THOU, EGOCENTRIC, CONTROL DRIVEN RUBBISH!!! I'M MAD AS HELL AND ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GOING TELL YOU SO RIGHT TO YOUR 'GET IN MY FACE' BULLSHIT!!!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

She reaches sweetly into my heart the wayEarly October touches the autumn leavesAnd offers a blazing passion of vibrant colorAmidst the love stroked hope of my soulThat turns with outstretched arms wide openTo the pallet of possibilities that she brings.

Tis a season for all creatures to slow their cycle down,To steady harried pace, to plant feet firm upon the ground.Time to breathe from deepest stirrings, look casually around.Listen to the silence as the harbinger of change sounds.soon toEnjoy the mosaic majesty of multi-colored splendor all around.

Autumn leaves are turning, preparing for the fallMetamorphosis abounding in the god's kingdom hall.A spectacle of shaded hues highlighted for one and all.Earth displays her festive finery, very proud and tall.She speaks to your abysmal soul, heed ye, Gaia's call!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

...a newcomer getting up for a 24-hour coin or tag....a dear friend and power of example getting a 13 year medallion....a sober breath....pink hair....putting in the effort and hanging around to see what the outcome will be....watching someone asking how to let go of a resentment and then listening to suggestions....listening to someone share about how they deal with anger and resentment....trying something different to see if I get a better result....service work....honesty, open-mindedness and willingness....asking for help....not being mired in the muck of the problem(s) du jour....looking to the power of example of those who came before....being the example I want others to see in me....basking in the glory of daylight....seeking out the brightest star on the darkest night....setting my sail toward my destination believing I can catch the right wind....doing the next right thing....reaching my hand out....reaching out to the hand extended toward me....doing the do's....moving forever forward....knowing standing still is really about losing ground....a parent with a child in a meeting....going to a meeting instead of going to a party....asking how?...listening to new ways of doing things that I could never imagine before....pink hair times two!...the "we" part of the program....seeking what I need instead of what I want....one day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time, one breath at a time!...the only commodity that really counts....the currency of the heart....almonds and cheese and refreshing swims and walking home on a warm night....the best, dearest friend a soul can embrace.

I have the disease of more. Therefore, there is never enough. There never will be enough. The only way to hold my own is to stop playing the game...just for today! What "I" can do, has never been enough. Left to my own devices, I cannot find hope. I need others, just like me...no matter how different we may seem...to help me along.

My disease offers hopelessness, darkness, helplessness, despair and desperation. It manifests itself in many different ways but none of them are good...none of them are positive...none of them are healthy. As an addict I can either live in my disease or live free from my disease. I can be mired in the muck or I can seek the hope that recovery offers. There is no middle ground, no half way point where I can exist in both worlds at once. It is an either/or proposition. when I try to hold my ground I live an illusion. If I am not moving away from my addictions then they are creeping up on me. That is an immutable fact of my existence.

It is hope that says I can make progress. Some of it is quick and some of it is halting. Some I resist until push comes to shove and I have no alternative but to change. Sometimes I embrace the needed change.

If I do today what I did yesterday, I have the hope that all will be well in the here and now. If I do tomorrow what I did today, then I can have hope for the future. Hope is not a default setting in my thinking. It is an acquired skill which I practice with more or less proficiency on any given day..but, I must practice it each and every day.

If I live in the positive...if I do the positive things I need to do...if I concentrate on doing the next right thing...then, and only then, have I accomplished the monumental feat of keeping myself going in a positive direction. That is how I live in hope. I can only do that to the best of my ability. Some days are surely better than others. Then again, any day I stay away from a drink or drug is a good day. I can rest at night knowing I have done that much right.

There's nothing today that a drink or a drug won't make a damn sight worse. If I don't do anything to make things worse, there's always hope that it will get better. Usually the "it" is me. LOL

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

So much going through my head right now. It's hard to think with this stuffy head happening. Gotta love a summer cold! I forget why again. LOL

Part of me feels stuck in the past. Same old, same old. Don't know how to sort all that crap out. I'll figure it out sooner or later. Of course, I would prefer sooner. Oh impatient me!!!

I don't especially care for those times when my head is spinning. This is one of those times. It's been a long time since I've been around a bunch of people feeling so paranoid about what I should and shouldn't do. That happened today. My old shit! Gotta love that too, I guess. Why the hell not?

UGH! I think I need a vacation. I need to find a way to get away and clear my mind. Mind you, a vacation is so NOT in the budget. Still, I know the things that work, that help to get me back to square one. I need to engage those methods so I can clear up this mess between my ears.

I could elaborate on all that, but among other things, I don't have the time or energy to put a book onto my blog. Better to walk the walk than to just talk the talk. Updates may or may not follow. Some things just don't need to be elucidated. As for what's going on in my head...who the hell knows?

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Wow! I didn't realize that my last post was before my b-day, back in mid July! I gotta get on the ball with this. I really do enjoy the journaling aspect to this blog. It helps to keep me centered. And, it's not like I've been so flipping busy.

I have seen alot of doctors recently. UGH! My primary is referring me to a chiropractor and to my surgeon. I've had good expereinces with chiropractors in the past, so I am optimistic about seeing one again.

As for the surgeon's office, well that MA, Jeff, is something else. I feel like he keeps giving me the dodge. All I ever get from him is vague references to "well maybe when the doctor gets back (conference and vacation) you might want to make an appointment."

My doc called the radiologist at Day Kill'em yesterday. The clip in my right side has indeed 'migrated' between the September '08 CT scan and the one in June '09. Now, that says to me, that the surgeon should look into this. Enough is enough already! It's in the abdominal/pelvic area now and my cycle seems to effect it. Makes sense...fluid, bloating and all the accompanying changes that happen would certainly crowd out a foreign object or offer it opportunity to 'poke' me more. But hey, I'm no doctor. I'm just the owner of the body that is trying to get some flipping answers...and I have decided to go after those answers with a vengeance. Let's see how they like me now!!! LOL

Today, my groin is 100% pain free....has been for days. Got some achiness in my right shoulder but that's a whole other issue which, I am working on resolving. I will see the doctor next week about dat little darling.

Anyway, after seeing my doctor yesterday, Mel and I went to Cumberland's for coffee. I love their hazelnut decaf. Wouldn't ya know it, someone back into the car in the lot. I saw it coming but Mel was placing her coffee in the cup holder. It wasn't anything spectacular. We were parked and he didn't see us as we were in his blind spot. He was so apologetic and pleasant, feeling really bad about what happened. Soooo, we ended up in Putnam picking up a rental from Enterprise. It's a nice little Mazda...drives nice. Of course, now there is the whole dealing with the insurance company process...but since no one was hurt, there really wasn't a big bad down side to things.

It may take a while for his company to get on the ball. They told him they would send an adjuster out toward the end of the week. Guess this means we will be travelling to the open house in that pretty little white Mazda. Tsk! Tsk! LMAO

I am house/pet sitting this weekend. Me and Max will be hanging out some. I really love that dog. He is such a big galumph with personality. One of my favorite things is sitting down to watch TV with his head on my lap...so much the more convenient for petting him (and we both agree on that!).

No sooner will I get done with Max than I will be watching Sammy for Jenn and Kent. They are going to Maine for a week. Guess I will be very busy...in a wonderful kinda way. It's so nice to be able to pet sit since I couldn't afford to keep one of my own. Kinda like getting paid for renting'em. Now that's better than those rebates that manufacturers offer!!!

This Saturday is the open house at Ann's and then next Saturday is the Sober Cruise. In between we might hit the Sun game on Sunday...an afternoon game works best for us. And to think, I used to be a night owl.

It's also time to plan another jaunt to Riverview to visit Miss Ashley. We went up for her birthday and I am pleased to report a good time was had by all. All my fears about her not liking Mel cause she was so close to Kay were set to rest. The three of us shopped and then went out to eat thoroughly enjoying the day.

Oh well! I could ramble on and on. No one has ever accused me of being concise. LMFAO

I shall sign off now, resolving to write more frequently. Let's see if I do what I say!

I added a tablespoon of peanut butter on my pancake for another 100 calories and an additional 5 grams of protein.

I've also made peanut butter and jelly pancakes using the above recipe with a tablespoon of peanut butter and tablespoon of my favorite sugar free jelly which added 35 more calories.

And yes, I use a sugar free pancake syrup that adds 35 calories or less (I use way less than the 1/4 cup it counts as a serving on my single pancake).

I am going to try some fresh fruit to rev up this recipe. I suspect a small amount will go a long way flavor wise and fruit eaten with protein is the best way to have it do its fat fighting thing. Well, that's what those nutrition people keep saying anyway.

I'm liking this experimenting with cooking that I am doing. It's lots of fun, very productive and tastes good too!!! Woohoo!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I got this email entitled "Eisenhower warned us" which was very anti-Muslim. It really bothers me to continually get these types of emails. Muslims, as whole, do NOT deny the Holocaust. Yet, this and any other tidbit that aims to villainize Islam and its people circulates freely with no one questioning the veracity of the statements because WE, as Americans, believe Muslims in general were behind 9/11.

The September 11th attacks were in fact, perpetuated by terrorists, religious extremists, zealots. Those individuals no more represent Islam than those who have bombed abortion clinics represent Christianity. Whenever we seek out a social scapegoat we set the stage for yet another holocaust. To hate a people based on their religious beliefs has been done...done to death as a matter of fact.

Islam is not the scourge of the earth. Muslims are not the spawn of Satan. Each faith, each people, each country holds within itself the potential for great evil. In tearing down the walls that separate us...faith, culture, political boundaries...we create the potential for great good. When we stop highlighting the differences between us and start seeing the connections we all share, then and only then, will the world begin to heal from the hatred and destructiveness.

There is much anti-Muslim propaganda. Schools in Britain are not about to stop teaching about the Holocaust and the Muslim population is not necessarily in favor of that happening. Check out this link...

http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/holocaust.asp

For at least one Muslim view of the holocaust...check out this link...

There is a lot of anti-Muslim sentiment out there from which emerges much untruth in the same way that anti gay sentiment paints all gays as child molesting, family wrecking, heathens with no regard for God and country. A stereotype is not just the image that others have of me and mine, it also includes all the preconceived notions that I have about others. I need to find what those preconceived notions are so I can seek the truth to live in the light.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Brought Annie up to Worcester for her dental work today. Damn! No wonder she is gets so uptight. She got there for 9:30 AM and wasn't done until 1 PM. That's a lot of time in the chair!

So I kicked around Worcester. Hit the Goodwill Store on Park Avenue....$4.99 for a t-shirt there...I did NOT buy one. Jeepers! I can get them for less brand new at the end of the season...and it's not like t-shirts really have a season. LOL I did find a pair of blue jean shorts and an Eddie Bauer shirt...very nice.

Yesterday was another hell day for me. I woke up in screaming pain...dealt with it. Well, it's not like I have any other option. I have noted that I've gone through 96 out of 100 acetaminophen this past month. Holy Moley, Mrs. Foley!!!

I came home early from my Wednesday night meeting (after I tossed my cookies...ICK!), took a bath and was in bed by 8 PM...for the night...down for the count. It was a restless night, tossing and turning, trying to find a comfortable...less downright painful position.

I would have tried to seek some medical help but pain...pain that has been casually dismissed on numerous occasions...does not make Sue a pleasant personality. I've put that on hold...till tomorrow morning. I am going back to my last doctor. I don't like the clinic atmosphere she works in, but I've always found her to be a good listener. Someone's got to start listening...real soon.

Tuesday we drove up to Riverview to visit with Ashley's clinician and with Ashley. I continue to be impressed with the quality of care and genuine concern expressed by those in 'the system.' The kid's got her issues...TBI, lower intellectual functioning, bipolar disorder and the kind of angry outbursts that have already gotten her a laundry list of charges in the juvenile system...but she can be the sweetest, most genuinely delightful person when she is stable. I don't know what the future holds for her, sometimes it gets scary to contemplate all the variables. Today she is in a safe place with competent care and quality professionals who are concerned with her best interests. Who could ask for anything more than that?

Mel was a bit apprehensive about meeting her. Ashley is still very attached to Kay though she hasn't seen or heard from Kay in well over six years. When she lived with her aunt, before she became too much for a traditional family setting to handle, she spent many weekends with us. Kay and I were respite care of sorts. The meeting went well. Ashley was very mellow...and quite tired. She had spent the night before chatting into the wee hours with another client who was leaving in the morning. Thus proving, kids are still kids no matter where you find them. LOL

She had had a rough week the week before. She has to earn privileges back if she wants to visit off-campus for her birthday. Either way, we will be going up on the 21st. If it is an on-grounds visit, we'll bring the cake and party with us. I'm hoping she earns the off-campus privilege though. I think it will do wonders for her morale. She always loves an outing. Well, what's not to like?

Time for me to be thinking of lights out. My doctor's appointment is at 8 AM in the morning. I will hit the streets around 7:30. It's only about a 12-15 minute walk from here but I want to be prompt.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Mel and I were talking. She says I have been "out of sorts" since the DKH ER visit.

Interesting. Odd.

I keep 'remembering' something. I'm not sure what it is I am remembering. It's a flash really. Nothing more. I remember the curtains..white or light colored...on those tracts like in the ER...there's a gurny or bed and maybe a table on the side like the old medical stands.

It's just a flash...a tidbit of a memory. I've had this memory before. I don't know where it comes from or what it is about. It seems like a hospital setting...all the beds...the curtains. I'm wearing something white...a johnny gown I think.

It comes with the rage. Does the rage bring it or does it bring the rage?

There's no doctor or nurse in the memory. Just me remembering that I was there for a split second and then poof, it's gone again!

I feel vulnerable in the memory. Scared. Maybe confused or maybe I am confused because I don't have any more of the memory than that and then the fool thing skedaddles. I'm there for an instant then I'm back.

It will go away. It always does. This memory will flash like a neon sign upon my consciousness then be gone as if it was never there.

The feelings will subside. I won't feel like I want to keep my back against the wall. I won't feel the vulnerability. I won't feel the fear. I won't feel the rage...the absolute deep, dark vile rage that surges to consciousness' shore when whatever it is that pries that memory to the surface dissipates allowing it to recede into the shadows once again.

Weird. Weird that this comes and takes me someplace...a place I have been before emotionally...with all the gut wrenching sense of immediacy as if I am there, living it, feeling it, dealing with it.

I wish I knew what hospital, what doctor's office...whatever. I want to know where I am going back to with this memory from hell. I want to find the demons that own this part of me so I can exorcise them.

Got an appointment with my therapist tomorrow first thing. I am so bummed today.

One of the medical assistants in New Haven said I should come to St. Raphael's ER yesterday, so I did. The rationale was that they had my records and I could see an intern from the surgical office. WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

I saw some doctor and APRN in training who did not listen to me telling them to call the surgeon's office. They did not want to see the CT scan I had on me (from DKH) or compare it to past scans. They told me they were going to do a pelvic exam...silly me, I thought they were going to do a pelvic exam. What I got (two days before I see my own APRN for my annual gyn exam) was the opportunity for some student to test out her expertise under the direction of a doctor in a an ER with a nurse looking on. The exam was to see if my cervix was fryable (sp) that's all. I would not have agreed to that for a matter of two days. He told her to swab because there was a discharge but apparently that was only the flipping frying thing cause they don't 'do pelvic exams' in the ER. Well, that's what the idiot said after the fact.

Of course, when they put the speculum in and it hurt I told them to take it out but they proceeded. I remember why I hate doctors again. I really don't want to go for my exam tomorrow. I actually don't want to do go to another doctor's office until 911 takes my unconcious ass there against my conscience will.

I told one of them...either the doc or the trainee, that I thought morphine was overkill that Ultram was effective for the pain. Some time after 5 PM...I had been in pain since I woke up around 6-7 AM...the nurse arrived with a shot of morphine.

I had asked about the intern from my doctor's office in the ER when I got there. They waited till ALL the tests had come back to call the office...after 5 PM when MY records were not available and they talked to the doctor on call...who knew nothing about my case.

Repeat after me...WASTE OF F*CKING TIME! If I knew how to blow things up...they would be on my hit list. I so get why people 'lose' it. And, just for the record, I know it takes less for me to lose it than the average bear.

I don't know where to turn. Maybe, like my soon to be ex-PCP says, I will never feel that intense, burning pain in my groin ever again. It may never come back so what the hell am I so worried about? I won't be calling these idiots any more. If I can't take the pain I can always pick up so me ibuprofen and take care of the pain. Cause, it is that kind of pain and I'd rather risk blowing out my stomach than going to some medical asshole that I will have to bitch slap and leave in cuffs.

I think anyone who wants to be a doctor ought to have to be mistreated and discounted and pissed off by another medical professional before they can get their license. Actually, now that I think of it...ALL DOCTOR'S PROBABLY SPEND AN ETERNITY IN HELL GETTING JUST THAT TREATMENT. That'd be fitting justice if you ask me. And I know, you didn't ask me.

But hey, maybe it's just me. I know the difference between yesterday and today is that I AM hostile and belligerent. Doctor's make no sense for me at this point cause the first thing I want to do is tell the asshole to f*ck off and die...not discuss my symptoms.

Monday, June 22, 2009

I talked to one of the medical assistants to my surgeon. There is nothing in the report about the doctor having removed my appendix during surgery. Hmm.

So, did they take it and not make note of it? Or did the DKH radiologist f*ck up? I'm betting it was the local yocal. It's to the point, no screw up out of DKH is really a surprise to me. I could do without living in limbo though.

I'm waiting to hear from my surgeon...or any surgeon from the office. My doctor is at a conference this week. Yeehaw!

I have pain still...intermittently. Sometimes the yuck in my stomach is a sensation of nausea. Delightful, huh?

So, where is my appendix? Hidden I would suspect. Why is there a clip in my appendix area? I'd guess cause it slipped off my gall bladder site (taht has been removed) and dropped down there. It happens..according to my google search anyway.

So, I wait...and wait...and wait...oh, and hurt lot here and there too.

To hedge my bet, I've scheduled a gyn exam for Thursday with someone I trust...and who listens. My primary has ears, but I don't think she has a flipping clue as to what to do with them.

Acetaminophen sucks!!! I wish I could scarf down a few ibuprofen just for the fun of it. Can't. Tempting, but I cannot. I don't know how to control the pain. Going to the ER every day for pain management doesn't sound tempting...or reasonable either. Just suffer I guess.

But, I gotta tell you, when the pain hits like it is right now, I want to b*tch slap my PCP. She went on and on Friday about how I might never be in any discomfort again and it makes no sense to be prepared. I'm really not liking the b*tch right now. Didn't like her much this weekend when I went to UMASS for relief from the pain. They gave me Ultram..wanted to give me morphine but I was like, "Whoa! Slow that bus down!!!"

I'm gonna try to sleep. I feel wiped putting up with the pain and at least while I am asleep (it's interrupted sleep for sure, but still sleep) I don't have any conscience sensation of pain. Sad way to deal with pain management but it's all I have.

No resources left. No energy to expend. F8ck it! I give up. I don't know what else to do.

Friday, June 19, 2009

First, let me say that I do NOT NOT NOT like being dismissed, condescended to and not listened to. This is not just my opinion of the dear doctor. Melanie came in with me and confirmed that my doctor was not interested in listening to me, was not trying to listen to me, was not very interested in listening to me.

I may be a bit irate at this point.

How do you define not listening? Well, if I say the pain is intermittent and not constant why would you assume that it is an ongoing event? I wasn't in PAIN today, though I do feel something it is not a painful sensation. It has come and gone (that does define intermittent, does it not?) The intensity varies with the event. Are these difficult concepts?

I asked about Ultram as it is touted as a non-narcotic pain reliever. I got a lecture about how I do not need a narcotic pain reliever. MISCOMMUNICATION...s'all I'm saying.

I was told that my body is adjusting to the weight loss and I may never have any pain again.

That makes it all better for having spent something like 5 hours in agony with ice packs and acetaminophen offering no relief just yesterday morning.

Of course, the fact that the CT scan shows a clamp in my lower pelvic/abdomen area...which prompted my doctor to ask about when I had my appendix removed (I still have it!!!)...well, that should be no indication of where the flipping pain might be coming from!!!

The clamp probably fell from the site where my gall bladder used to be...that's been removed. This is apparently not an uncommon occurrence. I really don't give a rat's patooey bout the clamp save for the fact that is has COINCIDENTALLY landed where the recurring pain seems to happen. Does anyone besides me read anything into this fact?

I will be getting a copy of the CT scan tomorrow when I go to the morning meeting and on Monday I shall call New Haven. They referred me to my primary cause the kidney (the left one, oddly enough) has a cyst on it. Kidney cysts are not uncommon and since this one is on the left side and not the right where my pain comes from it is quite unremarkable. I'm kewl with dat!

Years ago, in early recovery, I was told there is no such thing as coincidence. Now, the meaning in that was entirely different...it was a spiritual axiom at that time. Today, when I do the math, it adds up to something else.

She says I have pulled a muscle. I need to exercise more, walk more, etc. Oddly enough, New Haven is delighted with the amount of exercise I have been getting. Oddly enough, I have pulled muscles before and this burning, stabbing pain that goes away in half a day is not how pulled muscles have played out in my past. Oddly enough, I have never had a bowel movement that relieved any of my pulled muscle pain.

Damn! Not only has my mouth been rerouted to my ass but other parts of me have been connected in some very odd ways as well.

When I left her office I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to give her a good piece of my mind.

I will call New Haven on Monday. It was too late to get through today. Their office was closed by the time I called.

Still, I am hoping she is right and I will never again feel this pain. Pain does not do much for my disposition and I suspect if I do not go to an ER while I am in the pain it will just be a case of being dismissed again. I already feel the attitude welling up inside me though. Doctor's hate attitudes but I am in my "I hate doctors" mode right now. When I hurt so bad that I cannot stand upright, I have no doubt there is some problem...maybe not a serious life threatening problem...but that level of pain is a problem.

But hey, my blood work is fine. That's all that matters. Of course, my bloodwork was so fine that I had no gall bladder problem...till someone did an ultrasound and discovered a problem. OOPS! I think I hate my blood work too.

Am I miserable? YUP! Am I pissed? Oh yeah!!! Does anyone with a medical degree want to see me if the worst case pain scenario plays out again? HELL NO!!!

TIME TO PRAY AND MEDITATE FOR SOME SANITY ON THIS MATTER CAUSE I AINT GOT NONE OF MY OWN!!!

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Why would I share that? Well, if I have to live through it all...you get details. Understand? Well, you don't have to understand. That's just the way it is.

Monday. I just have to wait till Monday for the damn CT scan. Hmmm...I think I hate waiting too!

Well, did you expect me to be joyous bout dis? Nah. Not even close. This is a bother, a real bother. And yes, I will get through it all. But, it's my party and I can bitch if I want to, bitch if I want to....

So glad my CT scan is on Monday. I relly want to know what this is all about. REALLY!!!!

Called Kent for a ride to the meeting. I may even be up to donig some house work for them afterwards. They have company coming...Jenn's mom...and Jenn just had carpel tunnel surgeries. Right now I would be good to go. I shall see after the meeting...film at eleven. LOL

Had a lovely day yesterday. I made the morning meeting at the college. Then Mel and I went up to Worcester dallying about a while...hit a couple of thrift stores, TJ Maxx at the Greendale Mall and then off to Dunkin Donuts for a very big decaf Hazelnut coffee. We started to watch an old video that I had but I pooped out. I was tired and sooo crampy that I went to bed 'bout half way through the thing. 'Twas a well- rounded day all in all.

Now the night was another story. I was up and running to the bathroom every two hours....as of this morning I am now on hourly patrol. (I'd LOL but this aint so funny from where I sit). I have cramps...front and back. Both my hips hurt with that burning, stabbing pain and there is the weirdest sensation shooting down both legs...oh yeah, and standing totally upright just aint happening. Then there is the fact that I am flowing like flood waters rushing in New Orleans! Thank God I am on iron! Thank God!!!

I hate my ovaries this morning. I hate ALL men because you do not have ovaries. I hate women who have had hysterectomies. I hate those women who say things like, "embrace your feminine self." I hate all those women who love their menstrual cycle. I hate everyone and everything. Hmmm...it occurs to me I just might be in a miserable mood this morning.

I want the pain to stop and acetaminophen aint cutting it. Unfortunately, that's the strongest stuff that I can take. I want to put heat AND ice on the same spots at the same time. I only own three heating pads...that aint enough. It's so hard to apply either heat or ice to some areas when one is in the fetal position. What the hell is that about...some eternal joke? On the bright side...I can get into a full fetal position. I didn't used to be able to pull that one off. See, it's not all bad.

Of course, the weight of the heating pad or the ice...or maybe it is the sensation of feeling something on the ever-sensitive skin...is so intensely unpleasant. I hate my ovaries. Have I mentioned that before? Well, let me reiterate, I really, really, really hate my ovaries this morning.

I know. I know. Some women go through this every month. What the hell is that about? If some men went through this every month...hell if one man went through this every month...there would already be a "CURE." LMAO (with tears in my eyes)

I have a plan that involves an accomplice, a weapon and surgical removal of the offending parts. The accomplice would be necessary as I could not assure the job would be done while I was under anaesthesia and I do so want the job done. S'all I'm saying is TAKE MY OVARIES....PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!!!

I am feeling so miserable that there will be no DKH meeting today. Which means I will have to get up to Putnam later to get the stuff for the CT scan later...or I will send someone. yes, that's a good plan. I can't take this pain. I am not going to be worth much of anything until this all goes away. Please let it be gone soon. PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!

Oh, have I mentioned that I really, really, really, with all the sincerity at my disposal, hate my freaking ovaries? Well, you can bet good money on that fact friend!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I really am having a rather good day. Got up early so we could head out to New Haven. I LOVE Dr. Nadzam. What a great guy! I spoke with him about my symptoms, my ER visit on Sunday...the whole nine yards.

Instead of only poking in the exact location of the pain, like the DKH ER doc, he poked around a bit. There is definitely some tenderness in the lower right quadrant. He ordered a CT Scan of my pelvis and abdomen. He is thinking maybe chronic (subacute) appendicitis or an ovarian cyst might be going on. It would be nice to find out the cause. (And, I am trying to discount the gas I've had lately...because that has coincided with the iron supplement I have been taking.) Still, it would be nice to not be in screaming pain like that EVER again. Oye vay! Did that hurt or what on Sunday!!!

He also did not rule out the musclo-skeletal possibilities. Hey, my spine got twisted in a car accident back in 1983 and I have lost a lot of weight (87% of my excess body weight to be exact!) in the past 8+ months. That could shock the ole skeletal system a wee bit. At least I have a starting point. Gotta start somewhere. This seems like a good beginning.

The pain is nowhere near as bad as it was Sunday morning. Mostly I don't even notice it....more of an uncomfortable feeling than anything else. I am soooo grateful for that. It's all subject to change which is okay by me. Maybe it will get even better! I am premenstrual and that tends to mess with my lower back and abdomen anyway. THAT is definitely one of those things to which I can calmly say, "This too shall pass...and then come again." LMAO

I am up and about and doing all the usual things. TA DAH! Well, hey, if it don't hurt, I aint gonna baby it. Hell, if it don't hurt a whole lot, I aint gonna baby it.

I am going to prepare supper so it is ready to hit the stove when I get back from the Wednesday night meeting...which I fully intend to walk to, BTW. See, I am feeling pretty darn good. If my allergies would just back off a notch so I wasn't so tired I'd be ecstatic. That grainy, heavy feeling in my eyes is getting pretty old. Which reminds me, I have to put my drops in...they help with that quite a bit. Behold the power of modern pharmaceuticals! LOL

Well, I am gonna go fishing in my refigerator to see what I can see. I contemplated fish tonight but we had salmon last night. I have to remember that perhaps not all the rest of the world is as enamored with fish as I have become lately. LOL Maybe a variation of stove top shepherd's pie? Yes, indeed! That sounds very good. I think I can pull that one off with a little effort on my part. Mel is not doing too well with beef yet, but the ground turkey I have might just do the trick. Film at eleven! LMAO

Friday, May 29, 2009

Friday, May 22, 2009

When the East Side Social Club, LLC closes its doors at the end of the month, there will be no follow up location for our group of drunks. Some of us had tried to work it out so we would have a place to meet until we could form another entity. That is not to be.

In my mind that is just as well. I have complete acceptance of that fact for a whole host of reasons. It will prevent some truly regrettable events from transpiring and that is a very good thing.

I am still in queue to meet with the small business people at QVCC. That will take time, but that is fine and dandy. It is evident to me that now is not the time to proceed. Where we will go from here...if we will go from here...is all up in the air. I suspect that is as it should be. Time will give us a better perspective. I'm not sure where our current perspective would get us anyway so this may turn out to be a true blessing. That's what I see in this.

I feel a certain sadness but that too shall pass. Time is the great healer. The dream is not dead, just on hold for now...for a better time and a better place and a better frame of mind all geared for success. I don't know what the road ahead will hold for us, but I shall continue my journey. That is, after all, the way of life. Nothing stands still that doesn't lose ground so forward I go!!!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Time flies when life is happening! I didn't realize I hadn't posted an entry in so long. Wow!!!

I've been busy with life on life's terms. Lots of things have been going on ...I'm seeing Mel ...the East Side Sober Club is closing at the end of the month : - ( ...I'm seeing Mel ...the morning meetings just started up at the club so now they need to be moved or disbanded ...Mel had her surgery ...I'm seeing Mel ...I got bit manic and got over it (well, till next time...LOL) ...I'm seeing Mel ...I've been busy taking pictures and writing ...I'm seeing Mel ...I started taking the iron supplement (just in time too...Gawd, was I getting awful tired) ...I'm seeing Mel ...I'm captain of a Relay Team in Woodstock ...I'm seeing Mel ...Spring has gone and sprung up everywhere...what vibrant colors this year!!!

Did I mention that I am seeing Melanie? LOL I guess that did come up a time or two, eh? Is it serious you ask? Well, I keep hearing Anne Murray singing, "Could I have this dance?" in my head. I never thought of myself as a musical kinda person before. I've never had a song bouncing between my two ears like this one seems to be. Then I keep hearing myself saying all these sweet things (all the stuff I used to raise a cynical brow to before)...and I mean every word of it. When I see her smile, I smile too. I feel a comfortable peace when I am with her. Yup. It's serious!!! It's serious...and that's a positive thing.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

I forgot how much I enjoy liver...till my iron got low and then I figured what the heck! I got some at the store yesterday and cooked it up. Very good stuff! Not every store carries it on a regular basis, maybe that's why I don't buy it generally. Nothing like a bit of motivation to get one cooking the good stuff! LOL

Apparently, my almost passing out was not iron related but probably Abilify related. That's got some interesting side effects. I've stopped taking it...the doctor's orders...but it will take about a week for it to get out of my system. Today I could really feel the heat and I am hoping that has to do with the meds still effecting me. If not, it's gonna be one long, uncomfortable summer! UGH! Feeling heat beat before one IS heat beat is not my idea of a good time...not at all! And I am thinking that the sun is sooooo NOT my friend. I think that every year around this time as the sun seems to get harder and harder to accustom myself to when the weather turns to summer conditions. For now, it is as if I can feel it just sap my strength. Well, this too shall pass.

Today was a good day...and a busy one to boot. Jahala's opening day softball game was cancelled. Well, you can't win them all. And I did make it to the Ice Breaker for a while. It's always nice to catch up with folks.

It was a beautiful day for doing whatever outside. WOW! The sun was shining. The temperature was conducive to folks hanging out...and they did. After the cook out Mel and I walked down by the river at Mashamoquet for a while and had a pleasant stroll. It was a perfect day. I feel very mellow and relaxed perhaps because we sat down and vegged in front of the TV for quite a while today...an indulgence I don't frequently allow myself.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I was enjoying a nice hot shower this morning when I had to cut it short to sit on the side of the tub. That didn't work so I knelt n the floor. I figured it would be less distance to fall when I passed out. Fortunately, I did not pass out but I did get dressed kneeling on the floor. Jeepers!

I've called my PCP this AM and left a message. I tried calling New Haven...I think they have the fax hooked up to their main line. I get that gawdawful tone thing.

Beginning of March my iron was low. They said don't take an over the counter, we'll prescribe something. I called last week...well, they were waiting on the results of the D test...came back fine. I still have no iron to add to my mix. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

To make matters worse, I am flowing like the freaking Nile and feeling crampy and bloated as hell. I am cold and I am dizzy. Just shoot me!

I am going to call New Haven and ask them "WTF?" I think six weeks is too long to be a-waiting for an iron prescription. If my PCP calls back I will have to go for blood work. The thought of doing my stairs is extremely scary. I don't suppose anyone is gonna send a phlebotomist to me! LMAO

I am gonna lay down and cover up. I can't fall down that way. Odd that I am still dizzy in a horizontal position. Just for the record this is not fun. This is one of those times when living alone is a definite disadvantage.

Maybe I will feel better a bit later. I'd like to make the noon time meeting at the college...and if I have to go out for blood work anyway, why not?

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Smiling fully at me,warming all that beats withinand for a single solitary moment, I imbibe of eternity's endlessness.With a joyous sound that beats,a lovely rhythm of my spirit;flowing through me,becoming a part of me,surrendering to a new lifeblood.It is rich, red passion ethereal as the winds of never-ending time.Swift as the current of forever racing about, without haste.In flights of fanciful delights my mind and soul race away.While the book of days finds our names side by side,together on a page,transfused life-force,joining in a bond thicker than that essence of life.She flows through me.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

If you’re like me, then you’ve known someone…many “someone’s” …who’ve done battle with the malady known as cancer. I have no conscience recollection of not knowing about the existence of cancer. My great aunt had breast cancer in the early sixties. I was born in 1961. I remember the whispered conversations about how much weight she had lost, how gaunt she looked at family gatherings. I remember the conjecture that she surely wouldn’t live till the next holiday. Aunt Teddy came from rugged stock proving them wrong…for a long time. I remember the scarves when she went through cobalt treatments. I remember visiting her bedside toward the end of her life. I remember her leaving us, little by little. Each time I saw her, she seemed to have slipped away from us just a bit more. That was my first introduction to that deadly killer. It was not our last meeting. In 1989, my mother succumbed to cervical cancer after a courageous 5 year battle. I watched her cancer do its deadly work, one day at a time. I saw her go through testing and hospitalization and treatments and surgery that scared her so. There were strangers she came to depend upon when hospice came into her home. I saw my grandmother’s pain as she lost her only child. I watched my father lose the wife he had loved for a quarter of a century. My brother and I experienced that void in losing our mother. There have been so many others…Sharon, Peggy, Kathy, Rheinhold, and Carol, to name a few who were gone too soon. And there are the survivors who battle this vicious unconscionable killer with constant vigilance…Ann, Jim, Danielle, Kent, Amanda and Sue. That’s over a dozen folks! Thirteen people I can think of quickly who I’ve known have been affected by this modern plague. It adds up to more people than that when I do the math. For every person who has been afflicted, there is the fear that grips their loved ones. There is the ripple effect that spreads out as more and more individuals feel the impact of these random acts of cancer. I see some friend or other and their families dealing with this killer on a daily basis. I get angry. The rage builds. I don’t want to let this awful disease have its day of rule over my loved ones. But, what can one person do? Well, last year was the first year that I Relayed. This year I chose to be a team captain. Kent and Sue have kids who want to Relay…kids of survivors, who deserve a chance to fight this disease in their own way. It is this fight that makes me feel less powerless. Relay gives me a say and what I say is this, “I will fight this disease with any weapon at my disposal, with every fiber of my being and I will dedicate myself to doing what I can to eradicate it by any means necessary." "TODAY, I SAY RELAY!”

I hate curtains. Really! I hate curtains. So what did I do this tonight? I hung curtains. Why? Other people's opinions.

So I have curtains up in my living room...UGH! I don't like them. What I own are white curtains and they really don't look good with the off-white walls. I think it sucks! I know it sucks!

But, on the bright side, folks ought to stop offering me curtains to spiff the place up. Maybe I could dye (die) these. Hmm...interesting idea.

What I'd really like are shades. I saw some in a lovely shade of teal blue but there is no way I can afford them in a month of Sundays. Who the hell sets the pricing on those things anyway? Jeepers!!!

I was in my closet getting curtain rods and I disturbed something....U G L Y ! ! ! ! I started coughing not realizing right away that I should be making all due haste to get to my inhaler. By the time I figured out I was having a reaction to something I was afraid that I wasn't gonna make it to my bag in the kitchen where the fool thing was. It's not a long distance, but I thought I was gonna drop half way there...and not get back up. I've never had anything 'take' my breath like that ... E V E R ... ever before. I've had some strong reactions to assorted perfumes, but never anything that intense and that FAST!!! Holy Moly, Mrs. Foley!!!!

I'm sure that the whole area has to be cleaned out but I don't think I should be doing it...unless, of course, I can find a respirator to do the work with. I don't want to have the bejeebers scared out of me like that ever again. Good grief!!!! All for flipping curtains I could most certainly live without. If that's God's way of telling me to stick to my guns on the curtain issue, well, all I've got to say is, "Thanks for the heads up, Big Guy!!!!"

It's time for bed. I'm gonna hit the hay, inhaler in tow 'cause my lungs still aint too happy though they have consented to supply oxygen for my poor, tired body. (HEAR THE BIG YAWN AT THE END OF THAT SENTENCE!)

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

That question was posed in a newsletter type deal that I receive. It's a good question. Constant vigilance is a necessary component of life for me. It works for recovery. It works for bipolar. It just plain works.

Paying attention never hurts...though it can be uncomfortable at times. I don't always like what I see. And, I don't always see what I need to see. I listen to the perspectives of others today. Boy was that a long time a-coming! LOL

Anyway, here's my answer 'cause maybe it can help you...'cause maybe you can use it to help someone you know. Knowledge is powerful... "I’m a shopaholic, so my shopping habits really offer no insight for me.

I notice certain things about how I talk with my hands and arms. I always do this, but when I start to get manic it will often feel like my arms are flailing as I speak. Frequently, I will hit a table or wall as I wave my arms when I am manic. I seem to be moving faster than my mind can interpret the physical world.

When I drive with mania upon me compliance to the speed limit is damn near impossible. Sixty-five miles an hour feels like I am going a mere thirty. For safety’s sake, I use the cruise control on the highway and whenever else I can.

I can’t NOT talk when I have a thought. It comes out…the good, the bad and the ugly. I am speech impulsive and my use of puns and jokes goes through the roof…and I have a good sense of humor all the time anyway.

I get seriously playful. Jumping in mud puddles, goofing off at serious times, lots of laughing and giggling, etc.

One of my signs is when I am on the computer a lot a lot I retype words…not typos, per se. I will repeat the same the same words in a sentence. I don’t do this when I am not in hypomania. (I made those mistakes intentionally to make my make my point...LOL)

I communicate more. Ann called me on this recently. I was writing more and more emails which were getting longer and longer. My first response was that I was under stress but I had noticed the flailing arm thing and I tendered the notion that I was a bit manic perhaps. She said that suspected as much.

I can talk myself out of seeing what I see quite easily. Mania feels sooo damn good. I want to believe I am doing fine. I need feedback from folks around me. I'd like to say that you shouldn't be afraid to mention this sort of thing to me, but sooner or later, it may not be so well received. I suggest 'a safe distance' when mentioning my little manic quirks. LMAO

I am getting better at noticing these things myself. Inflated self esteem doesn’t seem to catch me like other things do. It feels good to feel good and I get caught up in it without hesitation or reservation. I don’t notice that I feel too good until I am pretty far along.

People ask me the “coffee” questions. How much coffee have you had today? Have you considered decaf? I didn’t realize coffee made you so hyper?

Whether I get the outside input or whether I notice on my own (which I tend to discount) my first line of defense (right after I work on acceptance) is my med provider and my therapist. I talk to them about what I or others notice and follow instructions.

For me, dealing effectively with mania is about getting on board the saner train and letting someone else drive. I have to ask for help. Left to my own devices, I WILL crash and burn. I've done it time and time again. The DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) groups are helpful. More 12 step meetings work too. They give me a focus...a place to be...they ground me.

And, absolutely, when I am aware of my manic mode being in full swing, I check and double check on any big plans or ideas. I got no business going off on my own when I am in this mode.

It's not just the signs and symptoms of mania that I need to be aware of at any given time. I have to have a strategy for dealing with them in place and ready to go. A preemptive plan is how I cope best.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Wow! I can't believe its been a week since my last entry. Who'da thunk it? Well, I have been very busy.

I house sat in Willi for a bit. It was nice to hang out with the Beagles and Ruthie. They like to sit on my lap when I watch TV. That makes things VERY cozy...but pleasant.

I even managed to make a couple of 7 AM meetings while I was out there. It amazes me how easy it is to forget how much I enjoy an early morning meeting. Getting up at 5 AM to get ready to go and then starting my day in the right way is always a delight. It's rather invigorating.

The kid is at Riverview AGAIN! She'll be there till her birthday anyway. She doesn't want to go back to CCP and she has put in for a new social worker. I'm not so sure that Abby did anything to provoke that...Miss Thing has been in rare form lately.

I made it up to Middletown to visit and 15 minutes into the visit she asks if I would be willing to cut the visit short so she can go watch some movie about gangs. I said no. I don't get a vehicle all that often, thus I can't visit all the time and...she is in a negative space, a gang movie isn't what I would prescribe for her attitude.

She sent some kid at the CCP to the hospital cause she was mad and she is sooo convinced that she has the right to do that very sort of thing when 'someone makes her angry.' I'd tell her that her temper is gonna get her into trouble someday, but she is already on probation as a result of her anger issues. It really is a little late to be predicting what has already come to pass.

I call her on that crap and she does not like that one iota. She says she wants to go on independent living after her birthday. I asked her if she thought the powers that be would allow that with her uncontrollable temper. She conceded that might be a stumbling block and then proceeded to ask me to leave cause she was tired. KIDS! KIDS WITH ATTITUDES!!! She is so good at being perfectly 16 1/2.

Well, it was 7:15 and I needed to get to the airport to pick up Mary Lou, so I said my good byes and headed off to Bradley. It was a rainy night, sometimes raining quite hard with heavy traffic I made it to the airport and parked in Terminal B parking instead of Terminal A parking. Had a lovely walk through the airport and was delightfully surprised to find an art exhibit by the hotel. It was a pleasant jaunt with some thought provoking art along the way.

It was good to get home, check my emails, sleep in my own bed and wake up in my own place. Dorothy was right. There really is no place like home! LMAO I made it to the 'never on timer' in Woodstock. Good meeting. I started my day on a very positive note.

I cleaned out my closet last night and passed along some things that were too big for me. Today I proceeded to do a bit of shopping. I made out really well at the ARC Emporium and at St. Joe's Thrift Shop. 'Twas a successful venture indeed!!!

To celebrate being home I rearranged the living room AND the bedroom...both in the same day! Can you imagine? Well, all the folks who know me well, know it's just what I do. I still want to move the TV but it is such an involved thing that I think I shall wait until another humdrum day to undertake those maneuvers. But folks, I got ideas...I'm just saying! If I had a wireless router...I could do even more furniture moving. Well, it's on my list...some one of these days...LOL

Now I am going to finish up my 'putering' and hit the hay. Jess and the baby will be over at some point tomorrow. I need to be well rested. The little one has sooooo much energy! What a hot ticket! The closest I can come to that is "hot flash." LMSAO