So there I was, just rolling in my Volvo…. I mean my good old dependable Subaru Legacy, doing my spring break thing roaming this way and that. Anyway, I rolled into Malibu and ran out of gas there. Needless to say, while I was in Malibu, these beach bums came at me and stole the CD I was listening to the whole trip through: the Essential Aerosmith. Yes, you heard me some beach bums stole my Aerosmith CD. Damn them! I was really enjoying listening to Aerosmith too and they stole my CD just so they could relive their memories from the ‘70s and ’80s. I was really getting into “Dream On”, “Sweet Emotion”, “Walk This Way”, “Love in an Elevator”, and “Dude (Looks Like a Lady)”, which was obviously written about Justin Bieber.

I went back home quietly, because the beach bums stole my Aerosmith CD. Well, besides listening to this one radio station that played nothing but Traffic, Rush, more Traffic, and the Jam. I believed it was called the Traffic-Rush Traffic-Jam Station.

Okay, moving on, so my girlfriend looked really nice on the day of November 4, 2011. You should’ve seen her. Man, she was so HOT! She was wearing a tank top with NOTHING underneath it. Believe me, I remembered why I fell in love with her that day. Man, I wanted to Australian kiss her. I assume that you know what an Australian kiss is, but if you don’t I’ll tell you. An Australian kiss is the same thing as a French kiss, only it’s “Down Under”. (You’ll have to correct me on that one, Frosty.)

Not only that but she knew why I thought she looked nice without even guessing. But then again, I probably wasn’t the first person to be staring at her chest that day. YOWZA! SCHWING! ADAYADAYADA! JTJEHSUIWTHJAUIHFGAUIYIYHRTUIWAHNRYWHBYENWNTAYHBRYNAEYRNAENYARYERNYAYRAUTIHGTNJEIOKSGLIOERHUIEGJNMJGHEMGGEMOHIJHEUIJHMEUIJTYGHIEJKFKRHJRTUIHJUREOAWPTKGBSNJMAFETHIMNHMUTNHNOIGWRIGRIOHNJRHIEOJTPBVMKSIVBNBHUNGUGNUGERNGUIOAJOIJTEOERJGUOJEGUYGHEIOGIHIEJPPOGSSPIHJIDIHJOSPTJOHJPTEROIHGEHOBJJEOGJPOGKKWPKTHITOJEJQUAJEWPOPWPOOGT! <Writer walks into the bathroom and doesn’t come out for the next two hours.>

So, David Lynch just made a new album. Yes, you know, that creepy guy who directed Eraserhead, The Elephant Man, Dune, and the cult classic Blue Velvet. No really, he made a new album, it’s called ”Crazy Clown Time”. Go to your music store and check it out today.

An entertainer of little note, a local heavy guitarist in my town named Don Adams died of an uneventful heart attack at the age of 42 a little while back. Wait! What’s that name? Don Adams! That’s copyright infringement! The famous Don Adams should have sued this guitarist for stealing his name. No, not “Maxwell Smart” Don Adams (because he’s already dead), I’m talking about the more famous one, DON ADAMS, THE WORLD’S GREATEST BARE-KNUCKLE BOXER!

So once I was going on a trip to the redwood forest. I had to take a stop at a gas station/convenience store in Chemult. Anyway, I walked into the bathroom because when you have to go, you have to go. I unzipped my pants and tried to enjoy taking a whiz, when all of a sudden “Karma Chameleon” by Culture Club starts playing on the radio. How awkward, right? I mean how embarrassing that is for an honest-to-God heterosexual like me! I kept a straight face but it was all weird and an incident of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.