Why Did This Happen to Me? Sibling Abuse

So many survivors of abuse are left with the burning question of why did this happen to me?

After talking to Emma, we decided that I should try to write about sibling abuse as it is not really discussed. Why is that? I can actually think of a lot of reasons.

For one, play versus abuse were not clearly delineated. [1] How many times did we play “Doctor” (or “Nurse”) growing up? How often did our siblings tease us mercilessly, only for us to be told that “brothers will be brothers”?

For often all the best intentions, we were told by our parents this is all part of growing up, and we should just “let it go.”

So often, we aren’t taught that there is a line between typical youthful behavior, and inappropriate hurtful behavior. Sibling abuse is the physical, emotional or sexual abuse of one sibling by another. The physical abuse can range from more mild forms of aggression between siblings, such as pushing and shoving, to very violent behavior such as using weapons.[2]

To me, in simpler terms, sibling abuse is whenever our siblings do something to us that crosses our own personal line from play to malevolent behavior. For example, my brother wrestling me, its okay. My brother sitting on me and punching my chest, um….not so much.

Being bullied by a sibling is abuse and parents need to step in and take control.

But why did this happen to me, why didn’t anyone help me?

But somethings aren’t so clear-cut, ya know? It’s normal for kids to experiment when they are young sexually. Of this, I have no doubt. However it’s another thing to be forced, coerced, and pressured into doing something you did not want to do.

This is what happened to me.

Why Did This Happen to Me?

He’d make me “play with him.” He’d do all of this and threaten me not to say anything.

He’d make me sit against the wall in the kitchen and throw objects at me. The goal was to get it as close to me as possible without hitting me, which as you can imagine, he was not always successful at avoiding me.

So as my post above asked, Why did this happen to me? Well, typically the underlying cause is the same as any other sexual assault: power.

People who often commit these crimes do so because they want to have power over their victims. When they’re kids themselves, there can be reasons why they were acting out.

Sometimes, they literally have no conscious. We call that a psychopath in legal terms, though medically they could be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. [3] This itself could have been caused by abuse/trauma, or just something organically wrong.

I’m not trying to excuse behavior, so please don’t get that

My point there was to help my reader understand why these things happen. So often we as survivors blame ourselves for what took place. We wonder why we weren’t strong enough to fight them off.

Why are “overreacting” to what they did to us (I know I often asked myself that…why was I bothered by what he did…wasn’t this what all brothers did…).

Why didn’t our parents know…why did they not protect us…why did they not believe us…

Truth be told, we may never understand the motives behind the abuse. Nor do we need to, at least, to begin the healing process. Matter of fact, one of the first things I found in my own struggle with healing is to accept that I was never going to get the answers I sought.

I was never going to get closure from him.

Chances are, he may never have understood why he did what he did. In my case, my brother for all intents has grown up into a fantastic father and husband. He didn’t get that way though until he could truly face and battle the demons that existed within him.

I believe he was always jealous of my relationship with my father, as well as reacting to the physical abuse he suffered at the hands of my father.

He felt so out of control, powerless, and cast off, he took out his frustrations on me. It sucks, its unfair, but it happened. He took advantage of his power/authority in my life as my older brother, and corrupted it into something awful.

However,I have forgiven him.I have forgiven me

If any of you ever need to reach out and talk to me, you can find me on Twitter or email me at [email protected] and I’ll be happy to be there for you. We all have to stick together, ya know?

This is an anonymous blog post. You can share your own experience to help others. All blog posts submitted via the blog anonymously email form will be added to the blog anonymously for you, just like this blog post has been.

Please don’t read and run, show your support by leaving a comment for this very brave man.

About Emma White

Emma White The inspiring mum of 6 who dedicates her time to supporting others. While battling with her own demons, she continues to be the voice for others unable to speak out. Her controversial yet heartfelt writing is a lifeline to many. You can follow her on Facebook, Twitter & Instagram.