I felt like i owed it to you guys to tell you how i was doing. (assuming anybody remembers me) I confronted my brother near my birthday (June 21). It went pretty well. I told him basicly that i was taking back control of my life, and i wouldn't shoulder the responsibility of the abuse anymore. I said i wasn't going to live in shame anymore. I told him i still cared about him, but i didn't think i could have him in my life anymore. He was crying a bit when i left him at the beach, but i think it's going to be better for him, and maybe he will be able to take responsibility for what he did and confront whatever caused him to do this. What i told him i wanted for him was to attone by being the best person he could be and living his life the best he can, and not to give in to shame. He said he had never done anything like that to anyone else, and couldn't remember if anyone had abused him or not. I wish him the best, and was glad I didn't have to hate him anymore.

As for me, i'm feeling a lot better. I am still having a hard time with my sexual compulsions and my self-confidance, but they are much better now. More importantly, i have put them in better perspective. None of this is really my fault, and i have no reason to be ashamed of who i am or what happened to me. I was the victom and the survivor, and the blame and responsibility falls on my abusers shoulders, not mine.

I'm still having sleeping problems, but they are getting better too. I'm going to try and stay up today, and either today or tommorow i'm hoping to go to an employment agency and find a job. I want to get something in construction, where i can get my hands dirty. I want an honest job where i don't have to kiss ass or cater to anyone. My homelifes a little better because my mom moved into a house, and there is more room and i have a little more freedom at night. She still has an alchoholic boyfriend, and my friends are still a bit dense when it comes to what i need from them. But i'm going to be moving out soon, and getting my drivers liscense. I'm looking foward to finally having a life of my own, and fighting for my dreams and the things i believe in without catering to other peoples whims.

I hope you guys manage to overcome the pain your abuse has caused you and can the lives you want to lead. Just remember things are never hopeless, and there is a better life waiting for you past the abuse. You are more than the abuse you have suffered, and i hope you guys realize what wonderful and beatiful people you really are. Nothing is ever going to change what happened to us, but you don't have to let it rule your life.

Thank you, Broken! I am really happy for you. WOW...what courage and clarity and boundaries and loving detachment and more you showed in dealing with your brother!!! Good for you!

Thanks, too, for the reminder about how special I am and that my abuse is not my life. I have been grieving a lot about all of the things I never did when I was younger because I was too depressed and ashamed etc. as a result of my abuse. I mourn the lost oppotunites to have danced, dated, loved/been loved, gone canoeing or rafting, done outdoor stuff with friends, made friends, etc... I have what feels like tons of lonliness and pain and sadness and sometimes feel hopeless that I can ever find true love, ever make friends and have fun with them, ever feel sexually comfortable with myself and others, ever be happy in my life.

I know that I need to keep crying and journaling and doing all the things I can to feel and express those feelings so that I can get past them, but sometimes, it is tough to remember that I still have a life to live and can now do at leat some of the things I missed when I was younger. I am only 45, so, if I am lucky and take care of myself, I could have another 30+ years to live and have fun, etc...

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