Following the Grenfell block fire tragedy councils across the country had asked the fire services to carry out the snap surveys.

We managed to contact a Camden borough fire officer involved in the new checks;

“Well I’ll be blowed, I have been carrying out these safety checks for over twenty years and I never knew those were bloomin’ great gas pipes!

“I thought they were some sort of weird art installation or hand rails for tall people or something!

“When a small child pointed out they had gas in them and that during a fire could become monumental blow torches blocking the escape routes, well, you could’ve knocked me down with a feather! Out of the mouths of babes and all that eh?!”

As a result of the findings, several hundred high rise flat tenants were rudely awoken at 2am and ordered to leave their death traps immediately. Those on higher floors were provided with parachutes as the stairwells have suddenly been deemed too dangerous to even look at.

All this follows the shock findings that the standard specification wall cladding listed in architects’ data books and used in many tower blocks actual burns like bog rolls doused in petrol.

The observant small child has now been appointed associate chief fire officer for Camden borough and awarded an honorary PhD in spotting the bleedin’ obvious by Camden College.