It all seems so simple. You meet someone, you like their company, you fall in love... then as the weeks/months/years go by you continue getting to share life's experiences with them for the rest of your life. Simple -- right? Well... anyone who's been in a relationship for more than a few months knows that things don't always sail along so smoothly. Issues come up, people change their minds about their choices in life, and sometimes we find we didn't know our partners as well as we thought we did.

So... while on the surface it may seem like relationships are pretty simple to get into and maintain, it couldn't be farther from the truth. Underneath the surface there are emotional and spiritual things going on that we really can't explain. For example... Why do we feel attracted to one person and not another? Is it just "looks" or something deeper? Why are there times we find someone attractive, but just don't feel connected to them? Why do conversations with one potential partner flow effortlessly for hours at a time, and with another each word can seem like pulling teeth? Have there been times when "on paper" a person looks perfect for you and yet there are no feelings that connect you when you actually meet them. Hmmm... maybe things are not as simple as they seem...

So, how do we have a better chance of truly finding the right person for us? What can we do to make sure we connect with someone who will be right for us and we will feel connected to throughout our lives? First off, let's realize that connection can happen on many levels. It might be as simple as a pretty face and body, to feeling like you truly know someone on a deep, emotional level. And everything in between.

How do we know which one a potential partner is going to be -- All surface level attraction (which lasts for a short time) or a deeper connection (that can last a lifetime) -- which is it going to be? I believe the answer becomes clearer when we truly understand ourselves. The more we know who we are and what we're looking for in a partner, the more likely we'll be to recognize that person when they show up in our lives. Knowing ourselves and what we truly want in a relationship can help us make better decisions when we are faced with whether or not to move forward with someone. It's by no means an exact science, but it seems to me that the more prepared we are, the more likely we will have a positive outcome.

And even though there are millions of people out there who we can potentially partner with, finding the right person is not such a simple process. Many factors are considered when choosing a mate. We all want someone we can have a true connection with (and who we do the same for). And because we are so complex, and bring so much of our past into our present relationships, finding just the right person who can fit into our lives can feel like finding a needle in a haystack. Yet, the more clear we are about who we are and the things that are important to us in our lives, the more likely we will be able to recognize the right person when they show up in our lives.

Guess what? We're not going to be 100% in sync with our partners all the time. When we are in sync it can feel magical. You know what I mean... We can complete each other's sentences, we want to make love at the same times, everything feels right with the world. However, when we're not in sync, things can go downhill fast. We're going to misread our partners, misinterpret them and sometimes not have a clue as to why they're feeling and acting the way they are.

This can apply to everything from the way we deal with our children to our finances to being sexual. It seems to me that when this happens, we need to back off a bit and really listen to what's in the way of the communication. Sometimes it's something that happened outside the relationship. Perhaps your partner was criticized at work, or is worried about a medical problem. Sometimes it's something we've done that we're unaware of that has upset our partner. Whatever it is, often it can be resolved with a little extra understanding and caring.

All to often we get defensive and upset at our partners because we take their upset personally. We think they're unfairly mad at us. "After all," we rationalize, "I didn't do anything." This may be true, but if our partner is caught in a reaction about something outside the relationship, they may not be able to separate those feelings from how they feel around us. And if it's about us, it may be something easy to get past if we don't take it personally and react defensively, thereby making it worse. At those times when our partners seem out of sorts and not acting like themselves, I believe the more understanding we can be, the more we listen to what our partner really needs, the quicker we will be able to help them address the real issues and the quicker we will be able to get back in sync.

Sexuality. When it goes well, that's wonderful. Unfortunately, in many relationships sex can be an area where couples are not aligned. Perhaps... one person wants to be sexual more than the other person. Perhaps... one person has fantasies that their partner doesn't want to participate in. Perhaps... one person feels resentment toward their partner and this resentment causes them to not want to be intimate with them. There are many reasons why people have differences in their sexual desires, but it can certainly create problems in relationships.

In another situation, sometimes one of the people in the relationship has withdrawn from their partner and even when they're being sexual they're not really connecting with them. Maybe they're having fantasies of being with someone else. Maybe they are so busy concentrating on their own activities during sex that they're not truly being "with" their partner. Sometimes they just feel disconnected and sex is a sad reminder of how little they're in sync.

When that happens, communication is the key. If both people are communicating and trying to uncover what is in the way of a healthy, loving sexual relationship, it can be the first step toward letting go of the past and the things that are in the way. And once you've cleared a pathway through the resentments, the upsets, the bad feelings about being sexual, then you can truly come together and experience the intimacy you desire. After all, you and your partner chose each other for a reason. It makes a lot of sense to clear a pathway toward recapturing the passion and love you used to feel, so you can feel it again and hopefully maintain it throughout the relationship.

David Schwartz, M.S., LMFT

David brings a wealth of life experience to his therapy practice. In addition to his therapy training, David has been a self-motivated entrepreneur for over 20 years, as well as working as a producer in the television industry.