Love, Life and Rational Polyamory

Tag Archives: Self Improvement

Oh my goodness: A thirty eight minute flight on a plane which was filled with excited and chatty senior citizens. Special Man Friend found a dirt cheap weekend package, and apparently it’s very popular with the over 65 crowd. It’s been a good giggle. (I know I’m no spring chicken. But come on! I’ve got fifteen years until I’m even sixty!)

We are here until tomorrow. It’s been good for me I think. Mostly the sleep. SMF played poker last night, and I slept from 8:30 on.

Wait. Maybe I am ready to be part of the Senior’s Fun Tour. Darn.

SMF saw Mrs. A several times in the last week. It was hard for me. I hate that it’s hard for me. I am trying to be gentle with myself. I have been able to relax more about his weekly date with her. But midway through his third time seeing her in a week, I just had reached some kind of critical mass. It doesn’t matter how secure I am in the fact that he loves me. It doesn’t matter how reassuring he is. It doesn’t matter how many self-love techniques I use, or poly books I read.

I am a poly girl, with a mono- minded heart. I work hard to be happy. I am loved, and I know that SMF will be there for me, whatever I need. But man, it’s hard sometimes. I am not sure how to navigate this specific issue. In three and a half years with him, I haven’t ever had to deal with him having three dates with someone else in a single week. It sounds silly when I type it out, but it is not silly. I am a good person with real feelings. I have to forgive myself for struggling, because the last thing I need is to be mad at myself for having feelings.

So do I suck it up and deal? Do I ask him to slow down a little for my sanity? Do I just wait and see if it happens again? I think this week may have been a fluke, but I was completely blindsided by the intensity of my discomfort. CC is out of town, and there has been so much going on the last few weeks, that date nights have been moved around and his time with Mrs. A has been inconsistent. I tell myself that he has consistently been there for me, and I am not losing time with him.

But there’s still part of me that is uncomfortable. I think I’m afraid. Afraid that he doesn’t have room for all three of us, and that I will get the proverbial boot. Afraid that she is cuter, funner (funner is totally a word), thinner, newer, smiley-er, easier, simpler, sexier… happier. And who wouldn’t want to be around someone who was happy.

Things have been really heavy lately. Special Man has not once, batted an eye about taking on what he can in an effort to support me, and to support my kids. He is my best friend, and my biggest supporter. The bulk of my life falls on me, and he knows that. But when he steals me away for a cup of coffee, or lets me cry while he holds me, or takes the kids to the library he gives me the chance to breathe. The chance to regroup. The chance to find some peace again. He honors his commitment to me.

I’m sitting on the fringes of a noisy, smokey casino, with a very bad cup of coffee, while he upstairs in our room, stealing a nap for an hour. (The biggest shock to my system on this little trip has been the smoke filled casinos. In Idaho, you can’t smoke in public places unless you’re in a designated smoking area, so this level of second hand smoke is making me nuts!)

Tomorrow we head home. I feel good. I had a doctor’s appointment a few days ago (a follow up for my cancer history) and she found a few things in my bloodwork that we are hopeful will be able to be corrected with changes in medication and , supplements and I’m making a six week recovery plan to deal with the physical and emotional aftermath of the last few months.

Special Man has a new interest. I suppose at this point he might refer to her as a girlfriend, though I’ve not heard him say it out loud. I know she considers him a boyfriend. And I know I’m supposed to be happy and compersive.

But I’m not, exactly.

Oh I get fleeting touches of it, this elusive compersion. It’s nice to see that someone he likes, likes him back. I like that he is happy. But mostly what I’m feeling is territorial. I’M supposed to be the girlfriend.

It’s all very decidedly UN-poly of me. (Commence pouting.)

She’s a great person. No, she’s a fantastic person. She’s beautiful. She is creative and artistic. She is strong, energetic, enthusiastic, friendly, funny, and she has a great laugh. Also she looks wonderful without makeup. She likes animals. (SMF loves animals. I mostly just like a few, and tolerate the rest.) And I KNOW it’s not supposed to be a competition, but humans are fickle creatures, and I’m a little insecure.

He will debate that he and I first met Mrs. A on the same day, but really, she was my friend first. SMF and I met Mrs. A and Mr. A for coffee, after they contacted me online, and were interested in dipping their toes in the kink community. At that point they were monogamous. So add that to the list of Things That Make Ginger Nervous: people brand spanking new to poly.

I genuinely like and enjoy Mrs. A. She is kind and thoughtful, and I think she’s a wonderful addition to my poly network. I really do. This too, scares me. If I’m struggling with this new girl in spite of the fact that she’s considerate and loving and mindful of others, what does that make me? (Add guilt to the pouting.)

Underlying this new relationship, is the attempted breakup with SMF at the beginning of the summer. We spent a few months in limbo, trying to let go, but never quite being able to. Then came a renegotiation and redefining of our relationship.

The pendulum has swung, and though I’m committed to my partner and my people, I’m having a little poly performance anxiety.

I’ll be in Georgia for the Atlanta Poly Weekend in June, and I’m so excited! I have heard wonderful things about this event, and I’m happy that my friend, the divine Miss M. will be flying down with me. If anyone within the sound of my voice is planning to attend, I want to know about it! (Maybe we can have a little Poly Nirvana meetup?)

I’m continuing to see Lady Therapist, and the process is exhausting. As I am processing and focusing on this massive amount of baggage I’ve been carrying, I’ve been at a loss with my writing. I miss it, but I am unsure where to go with it. Do I force it, and write about things that I am detached from, or do I quietly wait for my inspiration to return? My stress levels have been high, I have been dealing with irritability and headaches, and I’ve had several significant confrontations with Special Man in the recent weeks. I’m exhausted.

So I guess I wait. I wait for the peace that I’ve promised myself, will come when I can finally release the choices and circumstances that led me into and subsequently out of, a marriage which left me bruised and sad. I’m starting to think that it’s time to forgive that twenty-two year old girl who didn’t know what she was beginning, the day she wore that white dress. And then the twenty-four year old woman, who almost escaped…but didn’t. I chose to go back. I could have made a different choice, but I didn’t.

And I’m still angry about that.

(On a positive note, I had a really good cookie today, and it made me very happy. In that moment, it was the best thing that had happened to me all day, and I recognized it, and smiled. It was a Swedish fruit cookie, and I hid one away for SMF to have tomorrow when he comes for dinner. Whatever else happens, just remember…There are always cookies.)

One year ago today, I posted my first writing on Poly Nirvana, titled “Perfect Poly”. I actually had written it a year before that, out of frustration with the larger poly community and this feeling of not fitting in anywhere; of not being evolved enough to feel true compersion, or mature enough to not ever be jealous. Or lonely. Or sad. Or any of those feelings that we are all trying so hard to get away from, and that everyone talks about, all the time.

I received this message this week, and I’m posting with permission from the darling friend who wrote it. I’m sharing it because it resonated with me, and I’m also sharing my response.

I have something that I’ve been struggling with and I was hoping that I could get your perspective. I hope you don’t mind. It has to do with polyamory, metamours, jealousy, hurt, and my reaction to hurt.

I’m trying to get some different perspectives–not because I don’t trust people around me, but I’m really just hoping to cast a wide net and hope that something works for me, because I’m really struggling. I really respect your thoughts, from reading a lot of your writing… and I’d appreciate your input.

So here are the basics: A person with whom I am in a relationship (going on three years) has a new(ish) partner, and I’ve been struggling with this new(ish) partner from the beginning (about a year and a half). I’ve reached a lot of peace about the situation, but sometimes I just feel so HURT when I know that they’re together. I’m working through that. What I’m really really struggling with is a desire to hurt my partner back in some way with a mean or jealous comment, by withdrawing, by screaming or yelling. I know that something is being triggered within me and I know that I need to figure that out, but that desire to hurt, to hit back in some way, is really upsetting me.

Do you have any thoughts on this, or experiential learning that you’ve done that you could share?

So when I first read your message, I was immediately like, “Oh , I so know exactly what that feels like.” The problem is, that I don’t always know how to best deal with it, in a healthy way, except to recognize it, accept it, and possibly verbalize it, which it seems like you’ve done.

There’s a knee-jerk reaction that we have sometimes, that is a defense mechanism when we are feeling vulnerable. We do it as children when we lash out, and we do it as adults. When I’ m feeling insecure, I find myself saying something that I know will make him worry about the stability of our relationship. It’s not nice, and I didn’t realize that I was doing it for a long time, and it didn’t happen very often, but once I recognized it, I was able to at least be a grown up and choose to simply tell him instead that I needed him to tell me…whatever…I needed to hear. Once I said it out loud, it lost it’s power, and I could see it for what it was. “Tell me you’re not going to dump me for the 24 year old stripper with awesome legs that you just met because my legs are thick and meaty and I’m an old lady”. Usually he just looks at me and says the right things, which I knew anyway, but I just have to process it out in the open.

Feelings are hard. I read a sentence in a blog recently…

“I think the poly world puts too high of a premium on being un-feeling ever-compersive robots, but reality is that we all handle things differently.” (Link here.)

And THAT screamed at me, I’ve been feeling that one for a long time. At the risk of sounding like a know it all, read this… “Perfect Poly”

And remember, my sweet friend… It’s what you do with your feelings that matters. If you recognize that you want to lash out, and you consciously choose to DO IT anyway because it feels good and satisfying to hurt your partner for just a minute, then you’re giving up. If you feel your feelings and choose to handle them the best way you know how, and explore ways to handle them even better, then you are doing good poly, good relationships, and good human being-ness.

(It’s early, and I have a headache, and I suspect that this is somewhat rambling and scattered, but sometimes a stream of consciousness thought process works… Maybe…)

Thank you. It does make sense and it helps, and I appreciate the words of your blog entry from a year ago. I get into these moments (sometimes week-long moments) when everything seems like it’s crashing in and like I can’t stand the hurt and the confusion a moment longer–like I’m going to have to change something in my relationship or do something drastic like scream and yell, and then I kind of snap and say, “Um…this kind of misery is not part of my relationship. I have created this in my head.” And then I take a step back and I look at the big picture, and I realize I’m making decisions about the direction of my relationship (without my partner) and I’m deciding what’s in their head for them, rather than keeping myself open and vulnerable. Oh, god, the vulnerability of not assuming where something is going or what’s in someone’s head, and leaving myself open to “what will be.” And even though I have those moments when I feel fearful and hurt, and I want to say something hurtful or something that would damage the relationship, I know that in the long run it’s not the choice I want to make. I’ll probably never be the 100% secure and compersive partner because I seek out relationships that push me to grow as a person, and growing is painful and it can be confusing. I just have to remember to not get lost, right?

I think I wanted to share this on the blog, because it always makes me feel better when I know that other people struggle with the same things I do. And it’s inspiring to me when I see others trying to be good and kind and thoughtful in their choices. It inspires me to try to do the same. I not perfect, and I don’t do perfect poly. I’m just a girl who is trying to find her way, along with everyone else.

I’m not even talking specifically about relationship structures, and interpersonal interactions. I’m just talking about LIFE. Making sure that there’s milk in the fridge and toilet paper in the closet, and that you take your iron pill every day. Keeping an eye on the laundry so that you aren’t being shaken awake by a child on a cold school morning because he can’t find any clean socks. Birthdays, and car registration, and paying the electric bill on time.

Oh and don’t forget doctor’s appointments, puppies,car troubles, and ex-husbands while you’re also working full time and wanting a little bit of a social life, for which you struggle to not feel guilty over.

So what’s the modern woman to do, with so much on her plate?

Find more to do! Do all the things!

Yes, I’ve got it down. I’m researching a new camera and signing up for a photography class! I need a challenge and I need art. Special Man Friend gave me a subscription to some photo magazines, and now I just have to settle on a camera.

Today I got my nose pierced. I don’t know why exactly, except I’ve been dying to do it for a couple of months. I think SMF was tired of hearing me talk about it, because he made the call, and drove me over while we were together today doing mundane, every day, LIFE things. I picked a tiny iridescent opal stud that I love. Opals are my birthstone, and I’ve always liked them.

The house is dreadfully quiet. The children have gone to my mother’s for a Thanksgiving meal, and I have been left alone to sleep. I got home from work this morning at 8am, and I’ll leave for another shift a little after 6pm.

But I can’t sleep.

I’ve had an amazing year, and I have so many things to be grateful for. It’s a little bit melancholy-inducing to be alone right now, but I am holding tight to the chance to reflect. Last year at Thanksgiving, my blog was not even a thought in my head. I’ve learned so much about myself through writing and interacting with others, that I have to put it on the list of things I am thankful for this year. This list would also include the standard, “children, loved ones, home, and career” items, but more specifically, I am grateful for the growth I’ve seen, in my relationships in each of these areas of my life, and the development I feel within myself. My connections are stronger, my goals clearer, and my motivations better defined.

It’s interesting, how at forty-four, I feel like such a newcomer to my life. It’s an absolutely glorious feeling.