‘I Cheated And Now She Won’t Be My Friend’

For two and a half years, I was involved with the Other Woman. When my ex found out, I’ll admit I threw every play you’ve described out on the table, and didn’t even realize how much of a cliche I was.

Amazingly, she agreed to take me back. And the next year and a half were really good. Things were looking positive and I thought we were happy.

Recently she told me that that had been the hardest time of her life! That she had struggled with the decision to try and make things work, because she felt like she was betraying herself as much as I had betrayed her. I never knew how difficult it had been for her, and now that I do, I feel even more shame for the hurt I caused. Like I said, things were good for a year and a half or so, and then I gave in to a moment of weakness.

I googled the OW and what popped up was a link to her Pinterest page. I looked through it, and was surprised that there were a lot of quotes and sayings that referred to how much I had hurt her as well. There was a funny meme that I wanted to share with another friend, so I clicked on it to save it to my own Pinterest page.

Did you know that when you do that the other person gets a message telling them what was saved and by whom? I didn’t.

The next day I received a message in my Pinterest notifications. It was her. She asked how I was doing, and why I had been looking at her Pinterest page. I know, I should have just not responded… but I did. I told her everything was good, asked how she was, and apologized for hurting her. And the conversations continued from there. We never met or had sex (and I know that that does not matter at all, what I was doing was still wrong!) We did all of our messaging through the Pinterest app, so there was never a number that showed up on any phone bill.

Then one day I was trying to post a few pictures to Pinterest to show her a project or something, and the app wouldn’t work. So I texted them directly to her… and that was the end of it all!!!

My ex saw the number on the phone bill and a started collecting all the information she needs for a divorce. A few weeks later she told me. Again, I pushed back, but she was pretty solid in her decision, so I gave her what she requested. We went through mediation because I didn’t want it to become a big fight. I didn’t want to put her through more than I had already. We signed the papers today and they just have to go through the court system and be finalized.

She has been setting boundaries and trying to establish her own “space” and her new beginning. I am proud and happy for her. When we started discussing how we wanted this divorce thing to play out, I thought we had said that we were going to try and remain friends. Recently that has been reworded from “friends” to “friendly.” I want to be completely supportive of whatever she needs to be happy again. But it’s becoming harder because what she needs is for ME to go away. And, with the exception of things that we need to discuss about our daughter, I have been trying to give her all the space she needs.

Is it unreasonable for me to hope that someday we might be able to have a small friendship again, if and when she is ready for that. Or am I only going slow down or ruin her healing? I don’t want to hurt her anymore. I want her to be happy, even if it’s not with me. But I still want to be a part of her life. Is that wrong? What else can I do to be supportive, and help heal the damage I’ve done?

Thanks for your time,

Rob

Dear Rob,

You realize they’re going to eat you alive here, right? Of all the infidelity resources on the interwebs, 99.9 percent of which preach reconciliation, conscious uncoupling, and other shit sandwiches — you chose mine. With “LEAVE A CHEATER, GAIN A LIFE” right there on the banner? You want me to help you triumph over your wife’s no contact? So you can be friends? For her healing, of course. I’m sure your intentions were purely supportive and have nothing to do with your whinging brand of noxious centrality. “Whatever she needs to be happy again,” you said.

Here’s a meme for your Pinterest page:

I mean really, Rob. The poor woman invested 1.5 years of her life on trying to reconcile with your ass and her reward is you swapping insta-pot recipes with the OW? You blew her life up for Pinterest? Okay, maybe it was a particularly treacly Pema Chodron quote and you shed a tear for the OW. Whatever. It wasn’t a “moment of weakness.” (Read the not-so-subtle-blameshift there: SHE DUMPED ME FOR A MOMENT OF WEAKNESS!) — it was felony stupid. It was repeated, secret, engaged behavior with someone you betrayed your wife with — for two and a half long sociopathic years.

OW had a sad? That expressed its sorrow to the 178.3 bazillion viewers of Pinterest? Not. Your. Problem.

Instead of cloaking this as Concerned Human Being Making Amends, why not just acknowledge what it really is? You needing a hit of centrality. I hurt her? I MATTER! That seems to be your M.O. — fucking people over and responding with a befuddled “Wittle ol’ ME?” Gosh, tell me more about your shattered heart!

You get off on this shit.

When my ex found out, I’ll admit I threw every play you’ve described out on the table…

So why would she want anything to do with you? You’re a self-professed manipulator. Why would she want to be “friends” with someone responds to accountability with mindfuckery?

I never knew how difficult it had been for her, and now that I do, I feel even more shame for the hurt I caused.

So you felt a feel and now you know how difficult this all has been?

Rob, you didn’t give two shits in a wicker basket about how “difficult” your cheating was on your wife. This isn’t a great nugget of insight — who knew fucking around on my wife would HURT her! — you knew exactly how she would react (likely to dump your ass), which is why you kept your affair a SECRET for 2.5 years. If you thought there was something benign or improving about fucking around on your wife, you would’ve mentioned it. “Running out for milk and a side dish fuck, Honey. See you at 8!”

And note you didn’t mention your shared social media texts with the OW either. After you had all the fall-out from D-Day #1. You got busted. This isn’t an insight problem, it’s a you’re-an-asshole problem.

She has been setting boundaries and trying to establish her own “space” and her new beginning. I am proud and happy for her.

Did you pat her on the head when you said that? Or did she block you with parenting software?

Well, Rob, you worthless dick dribble — I’m proud of you too. And happy for you. That you could sustain 15 entire seconds of shame. That you sat with those difficult feelings for whole simulacrums of time before you felt the need to press your wife with your “friendship.” Keep going, Sport! With practice, you might make a solid minute of introspection!

What else can I do to be supportive, and help heal the damage I’ve done?

1. ) Generous divorce settlement.

2.) Take the full blame for the divorce.

3.) Be a responsible parent.

4.) Pay court-ordered support and abide by parenting agreements.

5.) Leave her the fuck alone.

If you truly care about your wife, you’ll accept the consequences. And you won’t feel entitled to her good opinion of you.

Can you picture the scene:
Rob is frustrated that he is getting nowhere with his very smart, gutsy ex-chump.
He spends hours surfing for internet advice (including pinterest) and, bam! lands on Chump Nation!
“Now THAT is the very prop I need!” he thinks.
He spends hours writing and re-writing his sadz letter to Chump Lady, every word run through the Thesaurus for the perfect impression management.

Oh, no, I don’t think that at all. He’s totally frustrated because his ex won’t respond to his prodding, so he’s decided to go somewhere (here) where chumps just like her WILL respond.

Kibble.
Kibble.
Kibble.
Jackpot!
Giant heap of 200+ kibbles, all crashing down at his feet! Yumyumyumyumyumyum.
He gets a REACTION! He gets it from chumps just like his silent ex, but these are speaking up JUST FOR HIM! He matters! Yumyumyumyumyumyum.

Pathetic. Loser. Fool.

Oh well, if he wants to define himself by licking scum off the sidewalk, he can do that.

Listen, loser. If you ever want your life to have real meaning, learn this: It’s not what you say. It’s what you do. Stop pretending that what really matters is what you say (“It should have been OK this time because I didn’t f##k her. I just got real cozy and intimate with her. But I didn’t f##k her.)

Start BEING an honorable man. Your actions will always say more than your words. Or did you miss the wedding vow clause about Forsaking All Others? (You probably did.)

Your relationship with your ex is over. Walk away. Start practicing the advice of a certain very wise deacon: “Make your every action a worthy prayer.” Then and only then, you may earn some of that honor you’re trying to steal.

Maybe people can change, but I am not willing to gamble any more of my life with my “husband”.
Let him learn on a new victim. With billions of people on the planet, my odds of happiness are much better leaving. The cheaters regard the world as a universe of endless opportunities; I can steal and alter that page from the cheater playbook to remind myself that there are legions of loyal and kind people of integrity. On my own is way better than being the fish in a blender that I would be staying with him. If I have a future partner, he will be an accessory to a solid life by myself. I didn’t lie, cheat, defraud, deceive, fail to communicate, or bail on my family and the last thing I need is a “partner” who is cool with all of that.

Serial cheaters will always be serial cheaters; lots of evidence. One-off cheaters might have a chance of redemption, but you’re right–who wants to give someone a gun after they’ve just fired on you? (And for what it’s worth, most chumps who think they have a one-off cheater should dig a little deeper. Typically you’ll find a lot more vermin in their closet).

Thank you so much for posting that link. STBX makes me roll my eyes with his pledges to “stay faithful”…TO OW #3. The irony and cliche of it all makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. He’ll get his. And he’ll get a front row seat to how awesome I am without his moody ass.

Thanks SuperDuperChump…one of the things that was the most upsetting to me when I found out cheater XH was such a serial cheating POS, was that he robbed me of having a wonderful man who would have cherished me. I will never forgive him in a million years for ruining my life.

I took care of his supposedly dying ass while I nursed him through a frightening bout of cancer while we were married. Wish I could go back and sit at his bedside again, knowing what I know now.

Yes! Also, I wonder if this kind isn’t working on his schtick. Thinking: ” Here’s the perfect place to craft my narrative. They can point out all the stuff I should have done and said. Then I can make my narrative perfectly super sensitive and well worded. A new chump will think: ‘He’s learned his lesson. He’s done everything right. Yeah he made a mistake but it changed him.'” I don’t feel like helping this asshole. He is like the jerks who go to counseling and just learn to cloak their assholishness in sensitive therapy speak with a whole lot more professional s/sympathetic sounding excuses and chump blame.

And while you leave her the fuck alone, go fuck yourself.
Anyone who can lie and cheat and endanger the health of his wife is not anyone that normal people want to be friends with. Or even friendly with.
Go off and find someone just like you. Someone mean, self-centered, cruel, narcissistic and cowardly to keep you company.
Let your wife find whatever happiness she can find after she goes thru the hell of recovering from all the horrible damage you did to her. She deserves a generous settlement and peace.
She earned that. I hope she finds happiness and so much more.
You earned nothing; I hope life shows you what misery feels like and only then might you understand the pain you have caused.

Rebecca, the truth you said is lost of this regrettable human being. He already fucked himself; can you imagine how hard he jacked himself off after he wrote this to CL? And, just like in real life, after he was done and smug, he left a bunch of women angry and unsatisfied.

Are they really that dumb when hunting for more centrality when the chump goes no/low contact or is that part of the kibble hunt? If that dumb how do they function well enough at work and bang their secretaries in secret? The picture even looks like my ex. Right on Chump Lady.

This small man MUST think his chump wife is here on this site, b/c a malignant narcissist would not bother us on THIS site otherwise. (I mean, what’s in it for HIM??). Besides, there’s too much potential for his vigorous image management to FAIL here…

I’m living & working in Europe now, as I had thought WE dreamed of doing. No way would that have happened with him as my wasband…

I remember how sad the DOCTOR once felt (as in, ONE TIME that he felt sad) with his sudden realization that I’d made huge professional sacrifices for HIS happiness, for years, giving up my own career to be at home to raise our kids, while the DOCTOR refused to work normal hours, fewer hours or even in the same city…for years (what’s that? There’s a ‘chumpy chump’ award? Quick, Over here, I’ll take one!!)

He actually got tearful in front of our son and unexpectedly apologized to me on our 34th anniversary, (so sad was he, and so surprised was I, that it got kinda awkward to be honest). Unfortunately my mom died unexpectedly the next morning. Who knows what I might have processed and said, otherwise?
ALAS, He could not sustain anything close to remorse because it…felt…un good. Here’s the thing – within a few weeks, he was on his next “feel good about HIM again” mission.

I won’t pretend he did not hurt me. He broke my damn heart. He really did a number on my brain too. A huge WTF??? has gone on for over a year of my precious life, on top of the years I spent trying to “love him thru” his chronic search for the next rush, lifestyle.

HERE IS THE UPSIDE FOR ME…

Recently…finally, I’m starting to believe — down at a cellular level, that much as my ego would love to hear him regret his behavior, it really matters NOT that he sees the light.

What matters is I am free. Free of that free floating sense of angst I had off & on for years, while I pick me danced. What a life sucking virus that was, and what a long recovery path I’ve been on.

I’m not saying I’m not still angry at this terrible man who hurt me and our children so very deeply. Maybe he is haunted by that but if not, (and I suspect not) then he lacks an empathy chip and I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life with someone who is missing that chip. No thanks, been there, done that.

What I missed about our marriage was mostly what it might have been, but rarely was.
He his charms, to be sure. The guy is smart, funny and takes care of himself (it’s his family he abandons, not HIS body).

But he did not treat me or our children well for a very long time. I’m sorry I did not cut him loose long ago. Schmoopie can have him. Hey, ya know, maybe he will be ALL better with her.

But if WE were still together, I’d still be following him around and hoping dear GOD, HOPING, that he’d finally keep the promises he had made and the pick us dance would be over…and I’d be waiting the rest of my life.

I wondered that too, thinking how her letter would have looked if submitted.

“Dear CL, I took back my cheater 18 months ago after finding out about a 2.5 year affair. After blameshifting, gaslighting, and telling me all the ways I am at fault for the affair we decided to stay together. It has been really hard on me and our daughter but I have tried to make the best of it. I felt like I was possibly betraying myself for putting up with what he did but for the good of my family I tried to hold it together even though the cheater sort of acted like it was no big deal and all in the rear view mirror. Well, you guessed it, I found out he has been communicating with the OW via Pinterest! My gut was right and when I saw that number on the phone bill ONE TIME I got my ducks lined up and divorced his ass, he never saw it coming. I am grey rock and it is driving him nuts. Thank you for all you do! I look forward to meh. Love, MightyOneWhoDumpedRobsAss”

Is he possibly he’s delusional enough to think we’d grant him unicorn status? Or even bent horn unicorn status – bc I mean he “didn’t really DO anything” this time. 🙄 bitch please. Clearly HE thinks HE’S pretty swell! Never mind that little 2+ year side dish fuck around. And, also forget about him revisiting side dish fuck affair AGAIN, after wife granted him a second chance.

Oh wait, before we get all judgey – there was NO sex or anything like that this time (meaning YET). Well ain’t that some stellar blue ribbon restraint FFS! I cannot even.

What a flaming narc fuckwit this guy is? Thinking he’d snow us into helping him somehow. He was straight up hoping we’d grow faint and woozy with hope after his craptastic unicorn audition (because some of us still desperately wanna believe in that fairy dust shit), OR he was hoping we’d inadvertently give him more or better tactics to use on his poor XW. No fuckin way. She was mighty enough to shut this shit show down once and for all and ain’t nobody here helping this fraudster. I really hate these manipulative motherfuckers.

Really?? Your wife took you back and invested another 1.5 years with you. You say that you know how much you hurt her. Then you message the OW. And you want to be friend with the women you betrayed. I too made the same mistake and tried to make things work after my Ex Husband had a long-term affair with my cousin. And to find out that he was messaging his ex girlfriend from high school. And denying it. He seen how his affair with Skankella affected me. I took pills and drank a bottle of rum. His affair broke me.

You did not give a dam about your wife. You waited enough time for her to let her guard down and again you you betrayed her. I have no sympathy for you. Your cake eating days are over. Karma is a bitch.

Same here. I spent 2 years trying to reconcile and not a day went by that didn’t hurt. There was a constant sick feeling. Trying to get past something I could never understand is cognitive dissonance. Because in your gut you know they are capable of cheating and lying. And just like you, my ex cheated again.

You and your lack of character are not something she needs in her life. Striving to be civil (or friendly as she put it) is more than you deserve.

I agree, put “tell STBXW (you go with your mighty girl!) to join her tribe at CN” at #4b, and then immediately double down on #5! My not-soon-enough-to-be-ex is also confused why we can’t “go back to how things were when we were first dating”. My response, summarized as “because your crappy life choices showed me exactly what a crappy human being you are. I choose to spend my life minutes with people I respect and trust, who reciprocate the same, as that is what brings me joy”, didn’t register. So surprising, I know. I didn’t even bother to respond to the cliched “push back”. The journey back to Grey Rock City gets faster each time, and I find the desire to make the commute to Shitty City less and less often. This must be close to the fabled Meh.

My thought too. In the ongoing need for image management, this dude lays his crap narrative on the table right where his discarded wife is likely to garner support. 100% self oriented. Entitled to never having to accept consequences. Cake cake cake.

Jeezus H Christ on a bike!! Nearly choked on my tea!! I thought things in my own life were bad enough (got a hooverer on half-assed to full throttle at the moment). I can’t fathom this at all. Agree with let go, good old attention seeking.

Oh my goodness. He thought his words would keep him smothered in cake 🎂. How could she take his cake away?!?! She changed the word friends to friendly and that’s not what he agreed to! Never mind those marriage vows and his interpretation of them weren’t what she agreed to. It’s rwally all about him.

Okay I must confess I was hoping for the cake in the rain picture again CL from Donna’s song. Really, it never gets old!!

I’ll probably never forgive or forget how much filth my ex brought to my life and into our family. Filth that at a certain point borders on evil. That’s why I cannot stand looking at my ex’s ugly face. A face I loved that now repulses. Friendship means not hurting your friend. You have failed totally. Just go away.

I agree
My ex cheated on his first wife, while devaluing her and his son
I married him 5 years later after
without knowing that story
Guess what he did to me and his son AGAIN?
God gave him an opportunity to clean up his act, but no.
Continue to hurt people, cruel
Hurt people hurt people
Fucking losers
Go away

I joke that I want a list of references for any one I date these days. Maybe, too, a resume of sorts that spells out previous relationships – years/months in them, brief description of said relationship, reason for leaving or being left. And names, phone numbers or e-mails of those previous partners for reference checks. Plus longtime friends, co-workers, family members.

I remember asking my cheating ex-boyfriend, ‘If I called your ex-wife and asked her what the worst thing about being with you was, what would she say?’

He actually said something insightful but I didn’t realize it at the time: ‘She often seemed frustrated that she never really knew what I was thinking.’

For years I have been looking for the right way to describe that tiny, underlying discomfort in my basically good (except for the cheating and lying that eventually came out) 18-year relationship with cheaterpants BoyMan. Thank you for putting a name to it!

Exactly, the filth. At my son’s recent wedding, it actually made me feel dirty to be in the same room as my ex (two years post divorce). I actually never looked at him nor acknowledged that he existed. Being anywhere near him sent shivers down my spine.

Lots of filth from my ex too. I understand the abuse is finite, it’s now over; but it seems like the more I understand the personality disordered “subhuman” my ex is, the more disgust I feel. This too shall pass, I suppose. I’m only 3 months since Dday, and 2 months since he moved out.

This is just another example to help prove my theory which is that cheaters just plain don’t stop. They don’t. One way or another, their minds circle back around to the other woman/man. They don’t want to let go. They go back, sniffing around like the dog in this post did, just dying to look back on past thrills, usually because in their minds, they were forced to give something up that was fun and we all know these assholes NEVER, EVER want to give anything up. Me? Give something I want up just because it hurts my wife? Fuck that shit. I’m doing whatever I want. Now let’s go Google the whore who helped me hurt my wife and then pretend like I’m sorry and want to fix the pain I’ve caused.

Why don’t you just leave your wife alone and let her heal? You’re the source of her pain; don’t act like you’re going to fix anything.

Cheaters are human wrecking balls, destroying their spouses and families and pretty much everything else in their paths. Go back to your whore and destroy her life instead of your wife’s.

Lol, they’re all the same. They all THINK they’re unique, but they’re all one and the same.

My ex? Same thing. The whole dating, engagement and marriage process spent chasing the same dumb tricks from 20 years ago, 25 years ago… Why? Well, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: THESE PEOPLE NEVER LEFT HIGH SCHOOL! They haven’t and will never mature to the point of ever thinking about anyone but themselves and they’ll always crave the point in their lives where they peaked… Which was high school.

Hello? Oh, it’s for you. Your ho from 1994 is calling you back on your Zack Morris phone. LMFAO. Pathetic little perpetual teenagers living in the past. I say leave their asses behind with Vanilla Ice while you live on the date that’s actually on the calendar.

That is correct although they may not circle back to the same woman in the end. My ex’s mind circled back to the point where he regretted that his emotional affair had not gone physical. By that time it was too many years and a long distance move away to go back to that one, but he found a couple of others to stand in for her and then fell for the second one (the first one dumped him after a few months).

It’s always that toss up isn’t it?
Go back to the whore and ruin her life.
In my case they were both cheaters that blew up two families for their love of the ages.
She’s a decade younger than him, but he makes a good living even after the alimony…it’s a toss up of which one of them will blow it up.
I don’t live there waiting for that anymore, but if somebody wanted to shoot me a text when that happens that would be okay😜

I do think someone made it up. However, I also believe plenty of true cheaters in search of cake online will find it, and CL’s response, and I hope that – even if only for a moment – they will feel the full force of Chump Lady’s and Chump Nation’s disdain.

I disagree. My ex could have written this letter. He spouted much the same to me.

They twist everything around in their heads to convince themselves that they are good people, what they did wasn’t so bad, and for impression management purposes. They are not right mentally. Staying as far away as possible is the right approach.

^ same. In fact I was reading it wondering if it was from mine until I got to the part about the wife discovering the phone bill. I am so sorry for this loser’s ex-wife to have gone through that, yet I was also relieved to realize the letter wasn’t about me.

Yes! Even the smartest (my ex has a Ph.D and an MBA) become super stupid when the entitlement kicks in. I will do whatever I like whenever I like, and everyone will be delighted w/me, all the time! Or perhaps heartbroken (because I’m that important!), then delighted again!

Despite NC/grey rock my cheater still insists on being the wife that never was;
think #BFF on steroids. I’ve recently had:

“please don’t hate me forever”
“never say that the marriage was a farce”
“think of all the wonderful things we’ve done together”
“the beautiful children WE created”
“I hope we can at least remain friends”
“if you ever need any help or support with the kids you only have to ask – I’m not a mind reader”

I got told “we’re a team, and no matter what or who else is in our lives i will always be there for you to help and take care of you, because we’re a team”

This was after i picked up the kids and had to run back into the house cause my daughter forgot her hat so he handed me….a hat.

Seriously they say anything to feel better about being an absolute shit.

And that statement, albeit dramatic, is nice. However, he’s currently having sleepovers with AP while my kids are at his house and were still legally married so i just cant muster up a give a fuck for his painful need for centrality and “friendship” from me.

I find myself feeling so much better when we havent interacted in a long while, seeing him and having him spew his, too-little-to-late friendbullshit hurts my feeling and makes me feel worse and more confused. So if OP was serious he should take away that all you’re doing is hurting her, you don’t need to be mean. This isn’t a one or the other type thing. Simply be present for your kids, make divorcing her as smooth as possible and move the fuck on

Yep, create beautiful children, then break their hearts, hram the woman who carried them into this world, abuse everyone and give them PTSD, because clearly that’s how you show them how important they are to you.

Got the same fucking speech about the beautiful kids and how we should stay friends for their sake.
It came out from the same vile mouth that called me a crappy husband and a crappy father right after the D-Day.

Amiii… let’s not forget exposing those beloved children to HIV and STD’s because you know- when your wife is pregnant/ breastfeeding them, you have unprotected sex with her while fucking whichever hooker you can find on 3 different continents 🤢🤢🤢🤮

Oh yes, I know that script. She reminds you of all the wonderful things you did together without understanding that you only did them because you thought she loved you and had your back. If you’d known she was a lying, cheating whore you wouldn’t have been with her to do them. So you didn’t have the information you needed to make a choice whether or not to do them. She took away your freedom to choose. They don’t get how that taints everything you’ve ever done with them. They took a giant dump on all your good memories, even ones that involve your kids, and they expect you to want to be friends. Batshit, the lot of them.

David…. right on!!!!!
Lol 😂
So many great moments( while I was fucking other people and you were either working or keeping eye on our precious children)
Such an amazing kids ( that I have no problem bragging about but it’s too much to keep me away from destroying their life)
Whenever you need me, I’m there for you( except when its inconvenient or it effects my plans or I don’t feel like helping)

They are so dense that they can’t even process how their filthy deeds and lies destroy and effect the children. The only thought that fits in their eggheads is “I deserve to be happy! (and fuck everybody else, including children.)”

Be my friend? You had 20 years to be my friend. The WHOLE marriage is a farce, because if you cheated and lied once I’m going to believe you did it the whole duration. We made beautiful kids? Never thought about them when you were destroying their family. Are you always going to hate me? …that means you are bitter and can’t move on. Hey asshat….I have moved on with my life, as in I’m done with you and NEVER need to see you again

Im just shaking my head. Your wife had it right that by staying with you she is betraying herself. Get this through your head people who treat people like you treated your wife deserve nothing. She is going to sail into the sunset and gain a life. You on the other hand you’re stuck with your own shity character and will encounter yourself again and again. That’s not her problem just leave her alone now asshole.

You cheated and she gave you a chance to make it right? You were one lucky guy and you fucking blew it. And, let’s be honest, you really don’t care. When your wife expressed how how hard this had been on her (and trust me, you really have no idea the amount of pain caused by betrayal), your solution was to contact the OW. Talk about doubling the pain, you fucking jackass. Did you even bother to look inside yourself? Did she need more trust? Did she need more assurance that she was the only woman for you? Did she need more assurance that you were 100% committed to her and the marriage? Did you change habits that had previously made her suspicious?

Sound like her pain and the marriage were just too hard on you and you gave up. You lost the privilege to be her friend. Why the hell would your wife wants to be on friendly terms with her husband that betrayed her? That’s not firiendship.

Do what CL suggest in 1-5. That implies that you actually care about your actions and what you have done.

Honestly, a horrible mistake is going to a party alone and having one single drunken one night stand and feeling devastated because of the damage you might have caused. Two year affair + sexting around for another year is far too many “mistake” (see, no longer singulat).

Actually, I don’t agree. A mistake is forgetting milk at the grocery store. Getting drunk at a party is a choice and if you’re in the wrong company, a really bad choice. Having a one night stand as a result of it is also part of that choice. How one acts after this is done is a different story but cheating in any form is NEVER a mistake. Mistakes are unintentional. You don’t get unintentionally drunk.

Fuck off, Rob and figure out another way to be in the spotlight to look good and powerful that doesn’t bother your ex. You don’t care about anyone, you want ego-kibbles and props for your Royal HighnAss Act.

Rob, I really, truly want to vomit when I remember sparkledick, his family and how I was exploited, gaslighted and blameshifted by them. Your ex seem to be MUCH smarter than I was. I envy her.

Get a life, Rob; you seem just as mediocre as my ex is.

Boy, Chump Lady, I needed this today! My first grandchild was born yesterday and, based on the spread of peacock feathers at my son’s (baby’s dad) wedding, I suspect X will try to be a “friendly fellow grandparent”.

My hope is that the grey rock treatment dispensed at the wedding will discourage any attempts. Hope he is vain enough to avoid the humiliation. For the sake of Rob’s ex-chump, I hope this works for her as well.

Just in case I am copying CL’s list of “to dos”:
1. ) Generous divorce settlement (it was not, but I had better lawyers).

2.) Take the full blame for the divorce (does not).

3.) Be a responsible parent (is not. For example, one son needs therapy, but $ goes to fancy cars).

4.) Pay court-ordered support and abide by parenting agreements (not applicable, but never loses an opportunity to disqualify me before sons).

OMG, Got-a-brain!! “Blows over.” I’d forgotten ex used that phrase to justify to adult DD and my Swiss brother why he hadn’t “explained” his abandonment to me. He was waiting for “it all to blow over.”

I still haven’t gotten said explanation after almost 4 years. Guess ending a 40 year marriage by abandonment takes a lot of “blowing over.”

And now I just don’t give a fuck – I suspect the only thing blowing is the OWife – so much older than I. Wonder if she takes her teeth out first? But the money must be worth it. Meh.

Same. This letter could have been written by my cheating ex, who was upset we couldn’t stay friends.

I never understood it then, but Rob’s letter here beautifully illustrates the mental gymnastics inside a cheater’s head and gives me a sense of closure. These people are insane, shallow, and self-centered. There’s nothing going on beneath the surface worth understanding, we can just move on.

I’m glad Rob’s wife filed. Best wishes to her for a wonderful new life.

I followed a link posted on CL’s page a month or so ago and it led me read a recommendation for “The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist”. After an 18 year marriage to a serial cheater this book, and ChumpLady, are helping me to trust my instincts again fix my picker so I avoid people like Rob.

Rob, you do know you’re an epic douche, right? You do know you’re not fooling anybody with your claim that you want your ex to be happy, right? You only want the center of the universe, Rob and His Knob, to be happy. Rob and His Knob are super happy when two women are paying attention to them. Rob and His Knob were just tickled to know that they had hurt not just one, but two sources of kibbles. That means Rob and His Knob must be super important, right? Delicious, intoxicating power! So Rob and His Knob were a duplicitous, despicable asshole yet again and lost one of their sources. Panic! Rob and His Knob are down one supplier. There is a supply deficit and that cannot be borne. Thus the mealy-mouthed whine; “Can’t we all just get along? Why won’t she be me friiieeeeend? I only want her to be happy. We can, like, wear matching Christmas sweaters and go to the Cheescake Factory together and shit. For her happiness, of course. That ‘s what matters most to me. I even saved some memes about friendship on Pinterest for her. I mean, I’M TRYING HERE PEOPLE. How was I supposed to know having your heart broken sucks? You could have knocked me over with a feather when I found out. So I had an epiphany. Now all I desire is to be a source of light and love in her life. Namaste.”

Let’s see, why can’t you be friends, other than the fact that you’ve betrayed her repeatedly and she’s unlikely to forgive? Because, like I said, you’re an epic douche, Rob and the Knob. You just aren’t friend material. You are punch in the face material, if anything. Now make like the other woman and blow.

😀That name brings back memories. The first asshole boyfriend I ever had was named Rob. He was such a malignant toad that I vandalized his beloved muscle car. I slashed all the tires and ripped the crap out of the upholstery. I waited until a long time after we’d broken up so I would not be suspected.
Yeah, it was childish. What the hell, I was 15.

Chumperella, I get the same asinine line of “Why can’t we all just get along?”, albeit mine comes through the grapevine because I’m zero contact. That dumb ass question grinds on my last nerve every time I hear it!

So this loser tells your friends this whiny bullshit for them to tell you, hoping you’ll relent and give poor little Fartypants McSkeevy some attention? It’s like he thinks he’s in middle school, passing notes to a friend to pass to the cute girl in the front row. These cheaters have arrested emotional development. They stopped maturing somewhere around 10-15 years old. My idiot stbx used to send his skank kissy face and heart emojis every night. He gave her the kind of cringeworthy, cutesy nickname you’d expect from a 12 year old. He’s a 55 year old man, FFS.
Sheesh, these clowns. I’m learning to laugh at the bullshit, Red. It’s four and a half months since dday and I can see the humor in how mindnumbingly stupid and immature these people are instead of spending most of the day crying and wanting to die. CN has certainly helped in that regard.

What a fool you are, Rob. You had a wife who was willing to forgive and give you another chance, even try to be friends – some of the dreadful ways some couples treat each other on breakup, you should have known what a diamond you had right there. But when the sparkly wears off a bit from your reconciliation, you initiate and resume contact with the woman you betrayed her for.
You were so, so lucky to be given another chance. But you blew it because you didn’t properly value what you had. This happened to me too, I was willing to be friends but soon realised that I could only be friendly because even after I forgave him and agreed to try again, he was the same man as before. You didn’t change enough Rob, you’re not a unicorn, and if a devastating thing like cheating on your wife wasn’t enough for you to change, nothing else will be. You have to accept that your wife is out of your league, move on and find someone else on your your own level.

Whether or not “Rob” is real or a character out of the cheater’s playbill, he’s just another example of the narcissistic, unevolved person who does this. He thinks he cares about his wife but he really just cares about himself and not having everyone hate him, because, come on, he’s a “good guy” – he goes on pinterest and makes casseroles! No, Rob, you are not. You are a liar, cheater, betrayer and probably a gaslighter. You fucked over your wife and ruined an intact family for you daughter because you are a selfish, needy, self involved asshole. Mommy didn’t give you enough attention and your wife couldn’t fulfill that tall order so you had to go find even more (okay- now I’m projecting my own cheater husband’s issues – but maybe they apply…) ? Please take the spot on advice given to you by CL- give your wife what she deserves and more, and leave her the fuck alone – that would be a way to show that you actually do give a teeny tiny rat’s ass about her.

I am on this same track – 11 months out from Dday –
Stbx makes reservations for Thanksgiving (first time ever lifted a finger in connection with a holiday) for our family of 5 at the same club where AP, her husband and kids and all our mutual friends belong.
What the …?
Then when I express my disbelief he says ,” I don’t understand why you would have a problem with this”
Exactly – Just more confirmation that I made the right decision

But I would like to know how best to deal with the duality of public lets be friends vs. rage and bullying in private

A) tell everyone of each incidence of his crap behaviour (record it if you can)!
B) avoid any contact that is not absolutely essential. In the same hospital (preferably not the same waiting room) while your kid has surgery? Absolutely. At the same table for Thanksgiving? NEVER.

And anybody who doesn’t believe you or understand why you’re No Contact, or as low as possible? They are Switzerland. Neutrality is not acceptable in the face of real wrongs and abuse. Get them, too, out of your life.

Way to go Chump Lady! Who the fuck does this guy think he is? You’re not getting your way so you want to be friends? Fuck you! Work hard and pay up dip shit! You fucked over a woman that found it in her heart to try and forgive you only to get fucked over again. You and the OW can fuck off! Leave her alone so she can find a real man! What a dumbfuck to come here for support. We don’t support your kind here!

I must admit I didn’t think “Rob” was for real. I kinda feel he’s some smug-faced narc reading from the play that is the narc handbook. Turn page “I tried so hard”. Turn page “but I love her”. Turn page (with empathy this time) “I realize I only want the best for her”. You know, like the kid in the school play that can’t act for shit (that would be me by the way). He obviously has read the “right” words somewhere and now just needs to get them down on paper so he can take up his rightful place centre stage. Fuck off Rob the Knob!

I agree. Generous divorce settlement plus more. It needs to be about selfless actions. And i dont mean buying a lot of crap and taking the kids to Disney. Instead, give HER money to take the kids to Disney. Secretly. You cant post about your generosity on pinterest or anything.

Give her whatever she wants. Take the kids on a Saturdays night so she can go on a date. Make sure she gets first choice on the holidays she wants to spend time with the kids. Dont just pay 50% of the extracurriculars. Pay 100%.

Who knows, maybe she will one day say to herself “hes not someone any one should ever be in a relationship with. But maybe i accept him for being an asshole and can grab a beer with him”

We all have friends like that. The type of friends that you don’t morally agree with, and you would never trust and feel bad for their spouses, but can deal with once in a while for a bit of entertainment. Kind of like george costanza? Sounds like you aim high as a human being.

Now that being said, it is strange you would post on a site like this…

Is it because you are getting indifference from her, and want to hear from us about how much power people that cheat have over making us feel bad? You want to convince yourself she’s really thinking about suicide over losing you as opposed to working out and bettering herself for a future partner?

Or perhaps your part of some red pill reddit forum? Prooving your oh so cool lack of any type of emotion? Responsibility? Honor? Thats for suckers.

I suspect that has more truth to it then actually wanting to maintain a friendship with your ex. If thats the case i recommend therapy. Maybe explore some mommy/daddy issues. Did you not get enough attention as a kid? Country club parents? Or maybe neglectful alcoholic ones?

I see that the OW doesn’t want you either then? Of course you tried there first and she rejected you too, right? So turn back to the good ol’ wife (aka Plan B) and see if you can squeeze out a bit more Centrality Juice for your ego.

And yes, Chump Nation noticed that it took you NINE FUCKING PARAGRAPHS before you deigned to mention your DAUGHTER. You know, the collateral damage. Whatev. Kids are resilient, right?

Excellent cheater Word of the Day…Simulacrums! “A representation of someone or something”.

And aren’t they all just such false simulacrums of whole people?

As for “Rob” (perfect name for a thief of lives), I at first thought he had to be a fake. No one could be that obtuse – schooled up as he apparently is to the cheater cliche that is he, and yet nonetheless pitching a woe-is-me story about his ongoing betrayal and abuse of an innocent wife! But then, this is perfectly definitive of the retarded development it takes to be one of them. A remnant of toddlerdom, a literal structural deficit formed permanently in their brains.

This hit too close to home
My ex is 68 months behind in child support and playing the victim he needs to see this kind of advice. he is terribly good to his schmoopy and her kid. I just want the air all around me to stop smelling of the sh&t sandwich he served me.
I’ve managed to pay his leans and save the house.

I just want him to f$ck off

My heart goes out to everyone who’s families have blown up in this situation

I’ve had random men start games with me on Words With Friends, and then start hitting on me via the chat on WWF. Seriously? I guess it’s easy to hide an affair that way, “I’m just playing WWF, honey.”

My ex is now on to the smear campaign saying I’m crazy and an alcoholic. Neither is true of me, he’s projecting his faults on to me so his sad sausage story works with the OW and his cheerleader friends.

When there is a will, there’s a way. My ex would play this Godfather video game for hours late into the night….with people from all over the world. Turns out, there’s a chat app on that too. Once you catch them, they simply go further underground. There are too many options to need to rely on texting. If you think you can demand loyalty and respect, guess again. The thought of living with that doubt every time he hopped on yet another plane, leading to another hotel, on another business trip? No thanks Bog!!!

He is was unemployed for 3 years after getting fired, (claimed it was bullying, but years later I overheard him talking to his brother and realised it was because of some very unprofessional behaviour). He did basically no housework or parenting (kids were in daycare for his “job search). He claimed that he had to play his stupid mafia game so he felt successful at something.

Ugghhh, I just realised he was probably using the game’s messaging to arrange the hookups were he got his STD’s while the kids were in school and daycare and I did all the paid and unpaid work. Damn, how oblivious was I?

Yawn… Rob, you’re so UNspecial, it’s laughable! You’re just like all the rest of the low rent dumb ass cheaters who try to make everything all about them, and then have the chutzpah to scratch their head and say, “Golly gee, I don’t understand, I just want to be friends“. Let me introduce you to my XH, he’s in that same club.

What you did to your wife and your marriage was so moronic, I don’t even know where to start. Seriously, Pinterest?!?! Face it, Rob, you’re nothing but a little boy prancing around in grownup clothing, running after every shiny new thing that gives your dick a rise and catches your eye, while the people who loved, respected and trusted you get nothing but your absolute worst.

Pinterest! I look at recipes, sailboats, funny Memes, some decorating, and just stuff. I have never communicated with another person on Pinterest. I read somewhere that there is pornography on Pinterest. Is that true?
This guy is just ridiculous! This is how this, oh so sorry, man communicates with his friend. On Pinterest. Just cannot wrap my head around that’s what he does with his spare time. I hope his wife can only see him through the dust as she’s peeling out of the driveway on her way to a better life

An affair on Pinterest. It just does not compute. I really hope this guy is a bored college student and not some bozo who conducts his affairs on the same site I get good recipes from. The problem is that he is one of many who think they are unique.

I hope with all my heart that you’re a resident of Chump Nation while on the road to Meh so that you can enjoy CL’s utter shredding of your former fuckwit. Tracy’s driving the karma bus today and it failed to make a stop for your STBX. Instead it ran ol’ Rob straight over and then backed up a few times just for fun. Girl, you keep going the way you’re going and you are going to be fine. You are mighty!! Rob? Well his punishment is being Rob and having to watch you live a happy life without his bullshit “friendship”.

I’m ceaselessly amazed by the utter stupidity of these freaks. I suspect this turd is just looking to bask in the glory of our outrage. He’s into the pain he causes. The beauty is that he is stuck in his own pain, no escaping that, Rob. It must be exhausting having to run around generating new ways to feel important. In the end your stuck with poor little sad pathetic you. It’s just not good enough is it? Better run back to Pinterest and find a new person to fuck before you actually have a human emotion.

My straight ex has a pinterest account. He got it after I got mine and then followed me. He always adopted any social media I or the kids used.

I unfollowed him soon after I left, but not before he pinned a bunch of pictures of handguns, which he had done occasionally previously, but increased a LOT. Gun ownership is very unusual here in Australia. Whether or not he meant it as a subtle, but deniable, threat, it was creepy.

In case anyone is concerned: Don’t worry, it was 2.5 years ago and he mostly leaves me alone now. No ongoing violent threats or actual violence. It is very unlikely he would actually spend money on a gun or get one here. Also, he’s too into appearing to be the good guy to his family and friends to risk any violence being reported.

This guy Rob is spewing the same old crap. He is “proud and happy for her”! Bullshit! He wants to be allowed in her life and stay friends just so he can say he´s not so bad, what he did wasn´t really all that terrible, cuz look, we´re still friends! We just grew apart, things didn´t work out, blah, blah blah.

The entitlement is strong with this one. He betrayed his chump twice and would like another chance to stomp on her again. Even better, he can’t fathom why she wants nothing to do with him.

Amazing!

Cheaters seem to get off on the power and centrality of twisting the knife yet one more time. The cry is always ” I didn’t know/understand!” (I am too special for consequences.) They want to preserve their good guy image.

Of course it’s all bullshit. They revel in tearing people’s lives apart. They enjoy the pain they cause because it makes them feel all powerful and central. They feel superior because they can devastate others. That know exactly what they are doing. They think it is their right, evil creatures that they are.

And when they get left in the dust, they sit and whine about it as though they were the ones being abused instead of recognizing that being left is a natural consequence of betraying their partner.

So I repeat everything Chump Lady has said, Rob. Be ultra generous in every way possible to your chump, and leave her the hell alone to rebuild her life.

I have to add, I seriously doubt you will do anything suggested here Rob, because you came here to try to get tips on how best to manipulate your ex into allowing you access to her yet again. In your arrogance, you really believe you have the right to continue to torture her.

Hey look the sun is up and it is a fabulous cold winter day. Snuggled up with a warm latte and my beautiful granddaughter. Got no time for low life’s. Hugs to all people who are abused by betrayal. Life without a cheater is so awesome!

The timing of this post is so spot on for me. I received a sadz text this morning. Extolling my “heart of gold” and so on. The old me, and I am sure a large portion of the population would read that text and fall for it hook, line, & sinker. But through all of this shit show one thing I have learned is words mean absolutely nothing, including wedding vows. Look at the actions and there is where the truth resides. In the text I can pull out a truckload of cleverly covert blameshifting and the centrality is mind boggling. This crap text I received this morning has nothing to do with me and wanting happiness for me. It is about him wanting absolution and kibbles with manipulation sprinkled on top. Sad thing is, I think my XH and maybe this wing nut delusionally think they are sincere. I am not going to lie, these sadz texts I receive always rattle my cage, but I will not respond. The thing is once you see a person for who they truly are, not what you projected on them what you wanted them to be, you can never unsee it. This is why I think wreckonsiliation almost always fails or is not sincerely happening. One thing I will say however, is that I truly appreciate having the knowledge through these random texts that OW is clearly not making him happy (cause you know, happiness doesn’t come from an external source) and is most likely doomed to crash and burn. Yes, I should not care either way, but at 8 months out, I am still working my way towards meh.

Way to go chumplady!!!! I see cheaters come to Divorcecare way to often to try to get our sympathy and validation because their betrayed spouses have completely cut them out and told them what assholes they are. They put on a full act how their lives changed, they are on the straight path, and shed tears. Meanwhile as time goes on they are making moves on other Divorcecare members and I am catching them doing the same behaviors when they “used to be immoral cheaters”. I have seen this game multiple times, there needs to be a whole other name and discussion for them….there is a reason why the tried and true cliche “once a cheater, always a cheater” sticks around.

Boy talk about a trigger. The asshat I just divorced ( finalized 2 weeks ago).
His name is Robbie, or Rob. You can change the names. But basically play by the same disordered book.
NO way do I believe either Rob. Neither this one nor mine gives a rat’s behind how much carnage they have left.
Fuck off to the moon and back asshole !!

“Rob” is low in narcissistic supply, so he decided to come here to get fed Grade A Ego Kibbles from CL and CN. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised that “Rob’s” ex-wife is a member of CN. Positive or negative attention — it’s all supply/fuel for narc’s.

A person who values, respects and loves themselves isn’t friends with liars and cheaters. The foundation of any healthy relationship is trust. And you can never trust a known pathological liar and cheater. “Rob’s” ex-wife knows her worth and she knows “Rob’s” not good enough to be a part of her life. Their values and morals do no align at all. “Rob” needs to move along and hook-up and befriend people like himself. There a tons of women out there who are more than happy to be a f buddy (Tinder, POF, etc) and don’t want commitment and marriage. Go there, “Rob”, with your people and leave us honest and faithful people alone.

It only took a couple of text messages for ex-cheater to pull me back in for bogus reconciliation, which turned out to be just his way of trying to get out of paying support money. During the eight months or so of that slowly escalating exercise in emotional abuse, I prayed every single day that the Lord change my then-husband’s heart and make him capable of faithfulness. I knew that short of divine intervention, there was absolutely no other way that would happen. It finally got bad enough that I proceeded with the divorce, and immediately, the glitter fell of the turd and from then on, he has shown me his true filth and stink.

The point being: while there might be one or two unicorns out there, most of these people do not change. They often get better at covering up their affairs/lies/con artistry, but at the core, only God Himself could truly change their hearts and unfortunately, He doesn’t seem inclined to do that, probably because these people are never truly remorseful, repentant, or sorry for anything except their own inconvenience.

If you suspect only a miracle would change your cheater’s heart, walk on. Your odds of winning the lottery are better. Most of them are just like the letter writer here; eventually, they all go back to re-sniff the shit they left behind because that is their true nature.

We did all of our messaging through the Pinterest app, so there was never a number that showed up on any phone bill.

“We did all of our messaging through the Pinterest app, so there was never a number that showed up on any phone bill.”

Aren’t I clever? Look at what I did and she never knew about it! Kibbles for me!

“My ex saw the number on the phone bill and a started collecting all the information she needs for a divorce. A few weeks later she told me. Again, I pushed back, but she was pretty solid in her decision, so I gave her what she requested.”

I pushed back is cheater for “I told her she was crazy; I told her it was nothing; I didn’t want to lose my ego-kibbles and consequences suck! How could she believe her eyes instead of ME!?”

“We went through mediation because I didn’t want it to become a big fight. ”

Correction: I wanted to screw her over financially. I’m just that special.

“I didn’t want to put her through more than I had already. We signed the papers today and they just have to go through the court system and be finalized.”

I wanted her to lie down and die. She failed to fulfill my dreams and her lawyer had me over a barrel. I’m hoping to charm the judge stupid.

How dare this cheating piece of s—t come to this forum?? Was he thinking of “hurting” his wife when he was screwing the down graded whore?? His letter makes me want to vomit 🤮.
“Robbie” boy.. leave her the fuck alone!

This is the BEST THING I HAVE EVER READ!!!! I was chuckling after just reading the title, and I knew it was going to be good read. The giddy anticipation was not ill-rewarded in the least bit (although I absolutely knew it would be amazing). I love love LOVE this . . . it’s not often that a cheater gets called out on their bullshit and put in their place, let alone by someone so well versed in the mindfuckery and idiocy surrounding these fuckwits. I may print this out and keep it for whenever I need a good laugh. Phenomenal article CL!!

Rob is unhappy because things didn’t work out as planned. First he cheats on his wife FOR YEARS. Then he convinces her to take him back. So far, so good. He remains on his best behavior for an excruciating 18 months, declares his marriage to be happy and stable, then moves to restore his affair, being more careful this time to avoid alerting his wife.

Rob thinks his mistake was blowing his cover by letting evidence hit the phone bill.

Now he has start over with the convincing his wife to take him back thing, and he’s looking for pointers.

Rob came to the wrong place for advice, but I’m sure we can help him with that forehead tattoo.

Exactly. Rest assured it’s all revolving around him.
He describes it almost like his car broke down and he wants to get it repaired. Thing is…there is no fix.
He will read here and think he gets it…and that is the funniest part because they are too ruined to get it.

As Rob said…………everything was going good for about a year and a half or so and then…..I gave in to a moment of weakness. I googled OW! Rob, it’s more like after a year and a half or so you got bored. And you went fishing for your affair partner. You just couldn’t stop thinking about her. What ever! Then….you got caught. Again. It’s really that simple. You weren’t sorry then and you aren’t sorry now. You are upset that the fun is over. Now you have to find new fun. You blew up your wife’s life! She was struggling and will continue to struggle to make sense of your lack of compassion for her grief and her goodness. You don’t deserve her. You want what’s best for her? Walk away and leave her alone. It really is the best for her!!!!! Regardless of what you want.

Rob doesn’t actually seem too devastated. In fact he sounds rather giddy that he is starting a “new chapter”. He is only a little upset his stbxw refuses to be the best of buddies. So big of him to wish her happiness. I’m predicting Rob’s new chapter bites him in the ass.

Wow. Just Wow. I haven’t had a chance to read all the comments yet but I will.
First off, a guy with a Pinterest page?? Bwahahaha Who knew?

You have balls the size of a government mule to think she should be your friend. Reconciliation is a GIFT and you blew it. End of story. Leave her the fuck alone like CL said. You don’t deserve anything from her.
It’s hard to believe that you are a real letter writer here. I can’t imagine fucking up so hugely and then writing a letter to CL. Get your shit together dude and make sure you give her a very, very good settlement.

Two weeks ago my beautiful daughter and only child got married. My ex and I were married for 37 years when I discovered 2 1/2 years ago his cheating (with a twice married and then married coworker) and I kicked him out the next day on Sunday and changed the locks on Monday when I put all of his clothes in the garage and he never lived in my house again. We were divorced in Feb 2017. My daughter’s wedding was beautiful and couldn’t have been more perfect other than having to see his family and my ex. I made it through the rehearsal dinner where my ex rambled on and on trying to prove what a good dad he was, where my family had to sit with members of his family and I had to see his disguisting self. The wedding was beautiful even though I had to sit through my ex again trying to be SuperDad (thank God for neck movements and being able to turn away from that shit). Almost lost it though when his 4 times married mom who never ever contacted me after I discovered his affair said to me at my daughter’s wedding “we are not the enemy”. What do you say to that shit? They may not be the enemy (still not pretty sure about that) but they are strangers and will never be friends to me! All I have to say is GO AWAY all of you! You are not my friends and God I wish I had never met you!

Who cares, if they are the enemy or not. That’s what I would have been thinking. Other than my stepdaughter and stepson, there’s not one person in his family that matters to me. Your last sentence pretty much sums up how I feel about the Dickhead and all of them.

What do you say to that shit ? Absof*ckinglutely nada. Flash an insipid smile while a thought bubble floats over your head. “Lord, I’m am so glad I don’t have to deal with you any more. Four marriages ?! Really ?!”

I flashed a smile and walked away and really don’t care anymore. Those people no longer exist in my life. She was the worst mother in law anyone could ever, ever, ever have (oh the stories I could tell and just imagine my ex’s family (11 half sisters, stepsisters, stepbrothers who the hell are these people, we never ever hardly saw any of them in my 37 1/2 years married to him) I hate it for my daughter. My Mom died when she was 2 and was the best Grandmother anyone could have ever had and all she has ever known as a “grandmother” is that piece of shit.

She told you she wanted to be friends to love the divorce along as she knew she no longer wanted you in her life. She doesn’t want to be “fiendly” either. That’s something women say to men to get them to back the fuck off.

Much like you promised to be faithful to her so she’d be your “wife” while yo continued to lie and fuck around.

Unknowing Chump, you are spot on. I played it real cool with my ex, acting – well not friendly but certainly cordial, because I was afraid that fucker wouldn’t sign the divorce decree. He was stupid enough to do that and I couldn’t go through all that again. I wanted him GONE!!! Now that he’s back in the States I ignore him left, right and centre! Stay friends with that fucker – I wouldn’t spit down his throat if his tonsils were on fire!

This cannot be real or Rob is in graduate school or something and has too much time on his hands. Also, seems hugely immature. Wife – poor soul – but at least she got motivated to get out. Hope she finds happiness with an adult spouse or partner or even alone because Rob sound very self-absorbed and immature

He reminds me of a golden retriever, waiting for you to throw a toy, and I say this as someone who loves dogs. He cannot understand that the game is over.If he gazes and pants and nudges you surely you will throw the toy. What do you mean the toy is gone?There has always been a toy.He cannot conceive that you might not want to play with him.
I am also reminded of the technicalities that cheaters put on their remorse- ” You didn’t SAY that I couldn’t contact her on Pinterest!”Yeah I didn’t say you couldn’t send her telegrams either, because it didn’t occur to me that you would consider it.

Yup. During the few weeks following Dday, while I was deciding what to do, I’d ask x if he was still talking to ow. He’d give an emphatic “NO, I’m not talking to her!!!!!1!11! I told you!!!!”

Then, I’d find her # on our phone bill. Again. When confronted, he’d say “I was not talking to her when you asked me.” Meaning, he was not talking to her right there, that very minute. Ten minutes after I asked.. well, that’s a different time, right?

Mine was “confused”
Well… how come I have never specifically told him that certain behavior was not ok with me?
Don’t mind countless hours before we got married and during the marriage when we were talking about life, values, and cheating ( joke was on me)
BUT I never said : no hookers, no ducking around, no dating sites and craigslist…. silly me, and poor confused sausage

Later on “ how dare I tell him not to exchange pleasantries with colleagues, he just shows his good manners … mhm, I’m sure that colleagues would run away knowing what was going in his mind ( shark eyes /creepy eyes anyone?) during the pleasant conversations….

Let’s assume for the moment “Rob” (interesting name choice) is not real. We still have a situation where CL is allowed to tell one of the real “let’s be friends” cheaters he has a “you’re-an-asshole problem.”

His wife’s instinct to review the phone bill shows how difficult it is to reconcile when, even in the best of circumstances, all trust is gone. His wife should count her blessings that he exposed himself as the unrepentant cheater he is. She can move on and not waste another second of her life with an asshole she would always have to monitor. My cheater did me the favor of showing no remorse after I discovered her three year affair. As Chump Lady says, “there is no great awakening,” which was true in my stbx wife’s case. It took 3 months of futile attempts to get her to “see the light” before I decided to divorce her. She wanted to stay married if I would just sweep things under the rug. I am sure I would have been a sucker for false declarations of contrition, had she made them, but also would have felt compelled to spy on everything she did if we stayed together. I don’t believe it is possible to reconcile without forfeiting one’s peace of mind. Rob’s wife can now move on to a much better place.

I wish I could say I can’t imagine what it feels like to discover his text to the OW on a phone bill, but I know exactly how it feels. Your heart sinks to an unsinkable level, your world is turned upside down immediately, your head spins, and your reality has just turned dark, very, very, very dark. The bottomless pit of despair and sadness overwhelms you for such a long time.

Rob, on the other hand, thinks nothing of it. Literally nothing of it. He does not care what his actions have just caused and the devastation he has not brought into his wife’s world. The hours, days, weeks and months of depression and hopelessness. Nope, Rob doesn’t feel jack shit. In fact, he gets a kick out of all of it. Just like he is getting a kick out of us responding to him. He likely has that evil cheater smirk on his face right now knowing he is pushing buttons.

One day, though, Rob will get a kick in the ass.

May his ex-wife move on to a beautiful life with someone wonderful just like Tracy found with Mr. ChumpLady.

Wow, dude. Thanks for the glimpse into the mind of my narcissistic, shallow-as-fuck, clueless idiot of an ex-husband. He was hoping for friendship too. I, on the other hand, am hoping he’s whisked off the face of the planet by a rake-filled tornado. Funny thing, but when someone puts you through hell you wouldn’t wish on osama bin laden, you don’t want anything to do with that person ever again.

Dear Rob,
If you’ve made it this far in the comments section, then maybe writing the following will be worth my time. I am going to try to be nice to you. I do it for the sake of your child.

You have some hard lessons to learn and a lot of growing up to do. You really want to make amends? You really want to become a better person? Here are some hard facts and steps to follow.

1) Leave your ex-wife alone. There will never be a day again where you get to call the shots on her attention. You ruined it. Yes, you did. Cut your losses. If you truly love her, let her go. You don’t want to let her go. You want to have your way, your say. Why?

2) You are seriously lacking a moral compass. It is hard to admit when we are wrong, but you really struggle to understand the absolute severity of what you did and so you cannot fully admit how bad it is. The proof of your understanding that what you did was wrong would have come when you felt the temptation to search the OW. A person with improved morality would have recognized the wrongness in that feeling and sought out help. Not sure what that would look like for you. Probably best that it would be with a counsellor. Just like an alcoholic’s addiction, he would immediately call his sponsor in a moment of weakness. But you didn’t make a positive choice that was loving towards your wife and child. Why?

3) You do not have an understanding of how to function in a healthy relationship. It was not healthy to cheat. It’s not healthy to do something that you know is going to be hurtful to your spouse and child. It is not normal to make choices that will blow up the trust that is needed in a family unit. You lie to someone you claim to love. You do something that you know would devastate someone you love. You cheat on someone you love. You disrespect someone you love. YOU do this. Why?

4) You don’t know what real, mature love is. Mature love sacrifices. Mature love sets boundaries. Mature love reflects honour and integrity. Mature love does what is right even when no one is looking. Mature love acts without expectation of recognition. I’ve referenced in past posts that a man can choose to be a King or a Knight in Shining Armour. A Knight just wants to save the damsel in distress for his own ego – but it’s not hard work to save a damsel because she, well, is in distress. She’s happy for anyone to come along and make her feel good. You just want to feel good too. Haha- I’m here, adore me! Make me feel good. Make me forget what ever it is that this escapism takes me from. On the other hand, a King is a man of honour. He is upstanding. He is a model example. He is steadfast and secure. He demonstrates inner strength in leading his family and community so that all feel safer. He doesn’t do it for something in return because the return comes from the satisfaction of being surrounded by those who are well-loved by him. You seem to just want to be a knight. Why?

So what next? What should you be doing in addition to what Chump Lady told you to do?

GET HELP!

You need to be alone and seek real, soul-searching change. Your child needs you to do this. Do not do this with the expectation of impressing your ex-wife. Do this because you fully recognize that there are some things truly lacking in your character, your value system and your will. Become a better man.

It is not likely that you will ever have a friendship with your ex-wife. Stop it.

But, you have a relationship with your child and right now your child has a shitty example in his/her father. You need to do right by your child. Our actions often reflect what we really believe in our hearts. You have just modeled to your child that it’s okay for a man to cheat. It’s okay for a man to lie. It’s okay for a man to betray his family. It’s okay for a man to seek out the company of other woman in marriage. It’s okay to resolve our internal insecurities in this way. This is love.

Ouch!

If your child is a girl. Then you’ve just sent her a clear message of what is the value of a woman (to meet a man’s needs, whether a wife or an adultress). If your child is a boy, you are in the process of creating the next cheater. Congratulations!

Or, you turn this around for yourself. You change for good. You start this process by truly seeking professional help in answering all four WHYs stated above and more. Pick yourself apart, name those things within you that need fixing, take full responsibility for your wrong-doings, and fix it!!! Inform your conscience so that it makes better decisions in the future. Learn better coping strategies, live a life of substance, make positive choices. Then teach your child these very hard-learned lessons. Teach them RESPECT.

You need to feel pain – not the pain that comes from your feeling of loss right now – cuz that’s just a SADZ – feeling sorry for your pathetic self. We’re talking about soul-transforming pain. If it’s not hurting, you’re not doing it right. Don’t run from it, distract from it, medicate it, bury it. Go through it. It is a long process, so don’t expect to have achieved some form of enlightenment in a couple of months. In fact, you need to recognize that just like a recovering alcoholic, you are in this for life. In time, it will get easier to be a good, righteous person. Maybe, you might even become a King. But, you will not be a King for your ex-wife anymore. Any expectation of that is still the selfish you talking.

You want to be supportive of your ex-wife? Then take the best damn care of her child that you are possibly capable of (yes I know the child is yours too). Your ex-wife is a Queen seeking to be the best model of what is right in the world for her child by demonstrating healthy expectations in good relationships. I suggest you learn what that’s all about and start doing the same.

(Pssst…if you have any tie at all to any faith, then tap into that too. God heals. God forgives. God shows us the way…PURE LOVE.)

ONM, thank you, this is so lovely. I’ve added it to my collection of favorite wisdoms from CN. A beautiful reminder that everyone has the CHOICE to change, to improve, to become someone that leaves the world a better place than they found it. To teach our children what honesty and respect look like by living it day in, day out. To build a life and a legacy. To DO better. (And I’m trying!) Thanks again, what an inspirational way to start the day!

These words have yet to work on my STBXH, who is still suffering the SADZ because it was too hard to be married to someone like me…moral standards and expectations and all…(yes I snark too).

But, I pray and hope for his redemption, not as my husband, that ship has sailed, but as a man. He accuses me of being emasculating, but guys like him (and Rob) are doing a perfectly good job emasculating themselves perfectly on their own be acting without honour. Rise to the challenge.

Unbelievable!! Believe it or not, my cheater was communicating with his AP through Pinterest, too. Crazy!! I was distraught for over a year… when I finally starting seeing the sun again, I did think… Pinterest? Really?? He must be gay… lol…now I simply shake my head. They are all ass holes.

Because today is Tuesday I have to say it’s the cheater that had to let go. Your wife’s happiness was never of importance. Getting away with it was your priority. You didn’t give two fucks about your child. That Is a fact.

Personally, I was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by my daughter who was recently divorced from her X who was a carbon copy of her father.

The invite was one that included the ‘whole family”. When I inquired about inviting my sister and her husband who Ive invited to my home for years I recieved no response. It wasn’t until later that I was told the Limited and Nanthony were going. That was after the fact.

My position on maintaining no contact for life is based on the fact that I as chump have learned not only that I deserve better, I have put my needs first.

Dad says he’ll talk to you.

What you need to grasp Rob, is that There’s Tuesday; there’s Meh. Chumps don’t care about your so called weakness. We put our energy into being strong. Now shoo…

“…because she felt like she was betraying herself as much as I had betrayed her.”

THIS. Ultimately, even if I had a unicorn (I didn’t), this struck the death blow to my marriage. I am amazed at how long and hard I tried to make my marriage wrk after Dday with this terrible internal struggle brewing. My gut told me immediately this message, and I denied it. Never again.

Cheaters just can’t relate to this feeling because betrayal is just part of their makeup, so it doesn’t sting as much (or at all).

Rob, you are one reeking piece of human garbage. So let’s see, your wife expresses that she is hurting and you run to escape her pain in your little fantasyland with the OW because giving a shit is too much work. Change actually requires you to…put in effort. There wasn’t a moment of weakness now, was there? There was just you. Who you are. Do you really think anyone here is dumb enough to buy your Pinterest story? Seriously? So apparently there you on Pinterest, with your pie recipes and your DIY home decorating and you, innocently of course, have NO IDEA that Pinterest notifies her. Righhhhhhhhhht. Because all those many notifications you get all the time, you just didn’t think it worked in the opposite direction. Okay. How fucking stupid do you think people are? I would bet good money that your description of “sharing a funny meme with a friend” was you DIRECTLY messaging her first and asking her how she is? Let’s be honest she didn’t get a notification. That’s really what happened, isn’t it “Rob”?

And there you were, so desperate to share your latest re-organization of your pantry idea (with dollar tree items!) that you HAD to text the OW your project plans. OMG it just couldn’t wait! Pinterest DIY ideas wait for no app malfunction!! Was that what it really was Rob? Or was it something, shall we say, more personal…

Fuck off Rob. Stop pretending to be a NICE GUY. We see straight through to what a piece of shit human being you really are. You’re not a nice guy. You’re an asshole. No one needs a toxic “friend” like you.

Wonder where you ended up after your smart wife finally booted you out for good?

Anything for centrality these types! Just wow! Christ just go away already Rob! Never known a set of people who don’t know when a welcome is worn out. Sheeeeeet!
Believe it Rob…she wants none of your ‘ awesomeness’. Ah feck it….I don’t feel like typing anymore. You’ll be too daft to get it.
How are things with the new chick? ( cause I know that your wrote this letter though you are in the throes of an existing relationship)
Enjoy the ‘ awesomeness ‘ that is you Rob! *wink wink* LOL!

Your wife doesn’t come through as a person. Someone with living breathing feelings that you are tuned in to.

She comes over as just a thing. That is not behaving the way you would like her to. How annoying of this thing, why doesn’t it just chill over no biggie.

You have no idea of what you did to her, what that betrayal showed her of how little she meant to you. You just don’t get it.

But thanks for the heads up about how shallow you are as a human being. My husband described what he did as ‘being naughty’. Blowing up all our lives, my idea that I was loved and cherished, and our kids’ safety – ‘being naughty’.

When I first read this, I thought this guy was better than my ex because he so sincerely wanted to be forgiven for his transgressions. And mine is unwilling to do so after leading a double life for 4 years while I gave up my career and moved away from my network of friends and did all the parenting. And since he is now “fun dad” in his cool new house, my 16 and 18 year old daughters seem to have lost sight of feminism when it comes to him, blaming me for not being “nice” to him when he “never bad-mouths me”. And then it hit me. He probably sounds EXACTLY like this guy when he talks to everyone except me about this-minimizing the damage and pointing out his remorse. That’s not sorry. That’s sorry he got caught. That’s wanting to be let off the hook. Not sorry. And then being shocked that his ex won’t forgive him because it interferes with his story about how sorry he is. To quote the brilliant Jack White, “I’m not the reason that you gave me no reason to return your calls. You built a house of cards and got shocked when you saw them fall.” And from the same song, “You seem to forget just how this all started. I’m reacting to you because you left me broken-hearted-you see you just can’t take the effect and make it the cause.” Thank you Jack.

Yeah, I got a ton of the “why can’t we be friends” dribble. Seriously. F off already! “And i just want you to be happy…if we can’t be together…”

And, Pinterest!!! A wow for me! Asshat spent a ton of time on Pinterest & Instagram…I thought it was one of my kids. Nope. It stopped showing up on my internet security software after GTFO Day. Never knew the porn and escort sites were so good at social media.

CL’s response is so spot on! F you, Rob. Just another mediocre cheater forced to be without cake.