The Sister Wives Season Finale Teaches Us That Sex is Bad and Kody Brown is Balding

Sit down, because I have some very difficult news for you. Here it goes: Kody Brown is slowly losing that bizarrely shaped mop of hair that has become his trademark. I KNOW. How will he ever survive without it?! Kody’s four wives simply cannot imagine him without that (terrible) hair. So clearly, we’ve got a crisis on our hands. It’s rare that all four sister wives agree so wholeheartedly on an issue. Therefore, Kody Brown has trouble on his hands.

Tensions were high on the Sister Wives season finale last night, and apparently the Brown family takes baldness just as seriously as family finances and sending their firstborn off to college. TLC billed the finale as a “two-hour event,” but it wasn’t two hours of actual Sister Wives episodes. The second half was Sister Wives: Secrets Revealed, a Q&A session hosted by NBC’s Tamron Hall. She did push the Browns to take a stand on some of the more controversial family issues from the season, but as usual, Sister Wives stopped a bit short of the really juicy details. Considering that this is the same network that brought us Breaking Amish and Secrets of a Trophy Wife, I’m surprised TLC hasn’t pushed the Browns to a more ridiculous level of drama. Is this disappointment I’m feeling, or respect?

The season finale opened with the Browns making some final decisions on furnishings for their four new houses. Now, I know it’s stressful to build a house. It’s expensive and decisions are very final. But there was so much whining happening that I went from zero to annoyed in record time. I hate to sound like your grandma (don’t you know there are children starving in insert faraway country here?!) but come on, Browns. There are so many people who don’t have one house. And you are building four!

Meri, Kody’s first wife, gets especially melodramatic about her decisions. She’s always caught in a bit of a hostile situation when it comes to the houses, because everyone expects her to overspend. But that’s because she does. Meri desperately wants a “wet bar,” which most people use for alcohol, but which Meri would apparently use to “entertain.” Because the Browns’ homes are the cookie-cutter type that are pre-designed by the developer, there’s a strict set of options. In order for Meri to get her precious wet bar, she has to add a seventh bedroom. Seven bedrooms. Meri has one child, who will be going off to college in the next year. It’s true that Meri would have more kids were it not for fertility issues, and by no means does she deserve to be punished or disadvantaged for her lack of children. But, seriously? What could this woman possibly need with seven bedrooms when the Browns are building four houses?

And speaking of kids going off to college, the Browns’ oldest son, Logan, is headed off to UNLV. Before he goes, the family makes him a video all about how much they’ll miss him, and they give him a quilt with all their pictures on it. It’s cute, but definitely really embarrassing. Can you imagine arriving at school and having to explain that you come from a polygamist family, and then unpacking a quilt with all their faces on it? Um. And just in case you were wondering, Kody is NOT cool with Logan having sloppy dorm sex. According to Kody, sex before marriage is “unhealthy all the way around.” Don’t worry, Kody. That quilt is a better than a chastity belt.

Sister Wives: Secrets Revealed was mostly just a review of the season’s memorable moments, but it did reveal some interesting tidbits. For example, second wife Janelle left the family at some point a while back. Apparently, I’m behind the times, and this was a secret that was revealed in the Browns’ book. And not only did Janelle leave, she moved out for two years! But of course, that was only mentioned in passing and we didn’t get any details. Because everything is great and Meri and Janelle totally don’t hold grudges against each other for things that happened years ago! Right.

Finally, we ended up back at the issue of whether or not Meri is going to have another baby. All season, I have found it so weird that Mariah, Meri’s daughter, wants her to have another kid so badly. She acts like babies are something you can just pop out at will. Which is especially ridiculous considering that Meri has a history of miscarriages and fertility issues. Pregnancy is always a risk, especially for someone with that kind of history. And Kody gets schizophrenic about the baby issue – one second he’s pressuring Meri into having another kid, the next he’s telling her he doesn’t care because he can have more kids with or without her. (Ew.) Even though having a baby is something that concerns Meri and Kody, and really the whole family, it’s always made my skin crawl to see her under so much pressure. Leave Meri and her uterus alone! And of course, Meri hasn’t revealed her final decision yet. How long are we going to drag this one out, TLC?

In the last minutes of the special, the sister wives mention that they’re going to have a “recommitment ceremony,” which sounds to me like a renewing-the-vows type thing. Well, Browns, I hope that works out better for you than it did for Heidi Klum and Seal.

Of course they are going to have a “recommitment ceremony.” How else can they have a horrible crossover with Say Yes To The Dress like all of TLC’s cloying reality shows?

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=16734070 Felipe Mádison

Hello my name is Phillip Madison and I am a student studying
American attitudes toward polygamy in light of the popularity of shows such as
Big Love and Sister Wives. Please take a few moments to share your opinions
with me. All responses are anonymous and I am not interested in who you are,
just what you think. Thank you!