Happiness Is A Choice

Yes, it’s a choice and you make the decision to be happy or grumpy.
Yes, things happen during our day that upset us and can turn our smiles upside down, but the reality of it is…you can choose to stay in your funk, or get yourself out of it.

I was in a really toxic relationship for 6 years. That boy basically turned my heart to ice and nearly killed everything inside me.
I just didn’t care anymore.

6 years is a long time to live like that. I finally got out of that relationship almost 3 years ago now…and it has taken me this long to finally feel like me again. The me that was always so carefree and loving. The one that never worried about what people thought. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. I’d rather be someone’s shot of whiskey anyway 😉

That boy stole my happiness.
I call him a boy, because that’s what he is. He is NOT a man. A man does not bring down his girl, does not belittle her in front of his friends. He’s supposed to make sure everything thinks that the sun shines out of her ass. He would say nasty things not only behind my back, but to my face as well. Brought me down. Verbally abused me in ways I never thought could happen. He was a narcissistic asshole. A sociopath.

I’ve spent the last 3 years trying to forget all those hurtful things he had said and didn’t say to me. But the reality of it is…I can’t forget. I remember because those wounds where cut so deep, I will remember it till the day I’m old and can’t remember who I am.
The thing about wounds though…they heal.
I don’t have to forget those things.
But I also don’t have to dwell on them and let them ruin my life.

When we dwell on the things someone has told us, it steals our happiness.
And happiness is a choice. We have the power to say “no, I don’t want to feel crummy and like I’m worthless”
Yes, I know it’s harder than it sounds…trust me…it took me almost 3 years to get back to my old self.

I don’t have some secret on how I pulled myself out of a funk.
I know it helped having Bryce point things out about myself that I refused to face for a long time. Having someone that cared about me really helped. I can tell you that.
The thing that I think helped the most though, was finally facing the facts. That I wasn’t who I used to be. That I hated myself in fact, for being so stupid, to let some guy basically ruin my life for years.
Shit happens. We do stupid things and get caught up in things we shouldn’t. But at the time…we don’t realize whats going on till we get ourselves out of those situations and can finally take a look back it without all the hurt.
It finally took me hating my ex and crying years after we broke up for all the things he did. Let all that baggage go. Because I didn’t really cry when he would be an asshole. I just sucked it, bottled it up and put it on a shelf.

I had to finally open up those bottles and let all those emotions out.
FEEL those emotions and let all the hurt and anger fly.

It wasn’t till after that, that I came to terms with everything and started to really find myself again. I started doing all the things that I remember that I loved doing. Like reading, and drawing and just being outdoors.

I had to learn to be by myself, without friends and distractions and learn to love me for me…before I could become truly happy.

It’s a process.
I couldn’t rely on anyone else.
I had to let go of always having friends around. Because that was my way of coping. Have people around so I didn’t have to face the facts. To distract me.

When I finally let it all go…it was like a switch just flipped.
Because that’s how it is with me.
All or nothing.
Like the flip of a switch.

When that flip switched…I was just instantly happy with everything.
I fell even more in love with the man of my dreams.
Happy with our current situation.
All the things I stressed out about before, don’t seem so important anymore.

It’s funny how that happens.

Like I said…I can’t tell you how to find yourself again.
But what I can tell you is…if you want it bad enough…you will find a way to find you again.
When you are finally tired of all the bullshit and feeling like shit all the time mentally, you’ll make it happen.
You’ll have to actively work on it.
Everyday.
Find the things that work for you and do them.
Because what works for me, won’t necessarily work for you.