Alright, people, here we go. I’m back in black and back on wheels and it’s taken me a while to write something because, frankly, my highly anticipated whirlwind return to roller derby has been about as exciting as that terrible movie where Sandra Bullock floats half naked in space for three hours. In other words, there have been brief moments of romance, anxiety, and jubilation, but mostly I’m just waiting for something to happen.

What has actually happened is that I am finding myself increasingly drawn towards writers who say that roller derby didn’t save their soul, women who think that roller derby is just something they do and not who they are, and players who don’t work out “in beastmode” all the time because they’re not Suzy Hotrod and are okay with it.

Only Suzy Hotrod is Suzy Hotrod, y’all.

That’s right, friends, I became a big fat underachiever. (And you can too!)

I go to exactly the number of practices that I need to go to to make attendance. Sure I work hard while I’m there, but I don’t spend my off time pre-visualizing the perfectly executed plow stop. Yes, I cross train, but I don’t want to talk about it over dinner. And yeah, I go to bouts and I watch them on WFTDA.tv and I love the sport, but I also love American Horror Story and 30 Rock and I would feel extra lame if I posted about either of those all day on Facebook so same goes for derby.

I don’t want to be friends with the popular girls. I don’t care what team a player is on or if someone skates better than me or faster than me or if they can’t even make it around the track yet or if they founded the league or if they once held hands with someone on Team USA. I want to make friends with women with authentic smiles and interesting things to say. Intraleague elitism makes me want to vomit on the track.

I’m Veronica.

I don’t give a shit about gear, either. I want my wheels to spin smoothly. I want them to be smallish and not too grippy and not too hard and I want my boots to fit well, but I don’t give a shit which famous skaters use what-the-fuck-ever or if my pads are all held on to my body with duct tape. I just don’t care. I let my friends who know about gear tell me what to buy and I don’t think about it longer than the time it takes for me to buy what I need.

This is Dee, of Bruised Boutique. She knows enough about gear for all of us. Ask her.

I don’t wear hot pants anymore. Firstly, because they are impractical (camel toe, rink rash, general self-consciousness, etc.) and also because synchronizing tights and knee-highs and hot pants is exhausting and I’m tired of going to gas stations after practice and being hit on by middle-aged drunk dudes. Yoga pants are fine for yoga and they’re fine for roller derby, too. Plus they protect the whole ass cheek and not just half.

Yes, I do wear derby team shirts of teams I haven’t seen play. Maybe because I know someone nice on the team or traded at Rollercon or maybe just because I thought their logo was cool (for shame) or whatever and I’m probably not sure what city it’s from because I like to travel and I can’t keep track because my brain has to hold important information in it like where my car keys and phone are.

I know nothing about this team, but if you make a shirt with cows and skates on it, I will wear it.

No, I don’t want to volunteer. I mean, actually, I really enjoy helping out, but it’s not like a social activity for me. I don’t want or need brownie points and I don’t know who’s keeping track of them, anyways. And let’s be real, I’m a shitty NSO and I’m always rooting for the team I want to win. So if you want me to help the team, I will, but let’s stick to things I’m good at: yoga, getting shit organized, and writing sarcastic social commentary.

I do not want to get drunk after practice twice a week. First of all, I’m old and I want to run in the morning and it’s hard enough to function at 5:30 am without a hangover and not enough sleep. Second, I do not think that holding hands while we vomit equates to team building. Let’s just be non-vomiting friends, okay? Third, and I know this one is batshit crazy, y’all, but I have a social life outside of derby and I like to hang out with other people sometimes.

No.

I don’t want to be in charge of anything and I am dreading the day that I have to join a committee. And no, it’s not because I don’t want to make a contribution to my league. It’s because I don’t want to spend my time quibbling over logistic bullshit or engaging in meaningless power struggles. I just want to play roller derby and let someone else call the shots. Is that too much to ask?

A good friend said to me the other day, “I go to practice and I skate hard and I pay my dues and that is actually what keeps the league running. There will always be people in charge and it doesn’t matter who they are. If the skaters all just keep skating and working hard, then the team will be successful.”

And I kind of wanted to make out with her in that moment because I feel exactly the same way (and because she made a funny joke about lesbians with Justin Bieber haircuts). There is a lot of non-derby stuff that goes into the making of roller derby and someone will always be in charge. It will usually be the person who most wants to be in charge, so if you aren’t that person, why not just skate up and shut up? You really want to make your team better? Then be a better team player.

If it seems like I’m not taking roller derby very seriously, it’s because I’m not. This is what I do for fun. I already have a full time job and a part time job and a lot of other responsibilities and I want roller derby to be a good time. I don’t want to go to meetings and fight about bylaws. I don’t want to go to practice and get aggro and vie with other skaters for the title of Most Derby-fied.

As a loooooong… looooong time member of my league, and a skater who is trying to find a new balance between life and skating, you had me until you talked about just letting someone else run the show.

Allowing your league mates to shoulder the business/organizational burden so that you can “just skate” is selfish. “Just paying dues and skating” doesn’t organize your insurance, get bouts scheduled, puts fans in seats, pays taxes, makes sure your business is solvent, blah blah blah. The administrative portions of what derby is are not glamorous, but they are necessary to you “just skating”.

True, there will probably always be that person who wants to be in charge. But why burn that really good resource out? Instead of passing it off to someone else, why not find ways to help take a tiny bit of that load off?

Just skating isn’t what made derby what it is today. And regardless of your level of involvement, if you don’t help out with those who are making the decisions, they aren’t going to hang around for long. And why should they? You get to have all the fun “just skating” while they skate, and schedule venues, and order uniforms, and flyer….. and then they don’t get to have that ‘life outside of derby’ that you hold so dear.

If you don’t like the power struggles, pettiness, then lead by example. And I don’t mean take over the committee and enforce a LETS ALL BE NICE TO EACH OTHER GUYS rule (because that is just doing what everyone else is doing). Join a committee, fulfill your duties, and call it a day. If you see a league mate struggling, and you can help them – DO IT. Invite a change in your league culture.

You want to make your league better for yourself and for everyone else? Don’t just be a better teammate, be a better league mate.

All good points, Grave. Of course I agree that everyone involved in a league should take on responsibilities for that league. For me, it’s all about how those responsibilities are enacted. If we all do our part and try to respect each other’s commitments (in and outside of derby), everything would go a lot smoother. Also, I have mad respect for people who want to run shit. I just don’t want to be one of them. Also also, like I said, I totally don’t mind helping out with most any task (except NSO-ing, I really am shitty at it), but I think that the weird hierarchies and cycles of burnout that develop within a lot of leagues are really a problem. I think they are a social problem, though, not a logistic one. I am partial to non-hierarchical leadership styles, though, so I think the solution is increased collaboration. I see that that approach might not be attractive or sensible for others, but my perspective is that people might actually be more motivated to do more in their leagues if they felt more included, if there was less social stratification, which often seems to be drawn against lines of leadership/involvement and then increases feelings of exclusion, which then leads your average player to frustration and your more involved player to burnout. In other words, I don’t want to be “in charge” because I think the responsibility of being “in charge” should be much more widely dispersed. For that to happen though, league mates must actually (and in action) trust and respect each other’s time and opinions and always be sensitive to the needs of the whole group. It kind of seems like we agree about more than you think we do. We just have, perhaps, different ideas about how things might be organized? I’m not sure. In any case, thanks for your thoughtful response.

After your response, I see more where you are coming from. Its just…. there seems to be this trend that I am reading online, more “I just want to skate” and really, that phrase makes me want to tear my hair out, because its never been like that. Ever.

I agree that there does need to be a change in derby culture, that being the perceived “exclusion” factor. Understanding that we all get different things out of it is a huge step. However, I am uncertain where that needs to come from, and it really will vary from league to league.

And collaboration – more hands on deck to handle fewer tasks – is a wonderful thing. But you still need those few who are making sure that things are being taken care of. Which means your BOD and your Committee heads and therefore, hierarchy. Because it does matter who is running your league – so that someone doesn’t take off with all of your money or takes sole ownership of the league and threatens to shut the whole thing down if she doesn’t get her way (yikes and two things I have witnessed from other leagues).

So, I have already challenged myself to this (which is why this post struck such a chord with me); now I challenge you. I challenge you to change the injustices you see in your league’s culture. Be inclusive instead of exclusive. If you can help out a league mate with a task, help them. Lead by example, be a better member of your community, whatever your level can be. (insert emoticon here)

Challenge accepted . Frankly I’m better at organizing shit than I am at skating, anyways. I just don’t want to hang out with the Heathers. Actually, fuck that. I don’t want there to be any Heathers. I guess me writing this was my first step in trying to help think through this problem. But I absolutely agree that taking action means addressing issues specifically within my league. Thanks for your thoughts.

Grave, you are my hero. And trACDC, your response to this challenge made me sigh in relief. Yours was a good rant, that I’d bet a LOT of skaters identified with… but somehow, I got tricked into co-founding a league in my own home town, (don’t ask me how; I hate being in charge, but no one else would do it) I guess I took too many stupid pills… However it happened, I found out the hard way that NO ONE understands or appreciates what has to happen to make the skating happen. And they don’t want to. And I can’t blame them. It sucks, but it sure is a LOT easier when the girls reach out from time to time and ask: can I do anything? I know a printer, a pr guy, a baker… whatever!
I totally agree on the Heathers point. Nobody wants them around. And our league DOES have duct taped pads and borrowed wheels… and it makes the skating no less great. Some of our girls can barely get around the track 21 times in five minutes, let alone 27, but they all do the best they can. And I would rather be stuck being in charge of the WORST performing free league in the USA than just showing up and being minimally attached to the most talented team. No egos, no fighting (except on the track) and no grandstanding. Just a bunch of ladies age 18 to 53 (so far) sweating and striving to do better than last week. Thanks, ladies for re-energizing me for another week of pleading, nagging and barganing. It’s all worth it.
-Terrible

You had me up until that point, too. Funny that I scrolled down and saw the only gal within 300 miles of me who has been in derby longer than me (by 1 week I think), Grave Danger. AAAANNNND we agree! She and I both have sat through more of those meetings/stupid power struggles than either of us would probably like to count – I agree BLAGH! BUT if you get EVERYONE sharing the work, it balances out a lot of the other prima BS that you also talk about tends to flourish when some of the pretty girls get all the glory w/o having to put in any of the work. I do realize that local derby cultures vary and what the cool kids do or don’t do in your town may be a little different than mine. To bring it back though – at the point I am in derby (just started my 9th season in derby) I agree with like 85% of this thread and wish more people would do the same. Quit being followers and trying to be Suzy Hotrod or whoever and start just being yourself. THAT is what derby was supposed to be about

If no one runs the League who would we pay dues to? Who would arrange for you to have somewhere to go… for free too, people are expected to ‘volunteer’ so that its not left on the shoulders of those who apparently dont have social lives outside of derby. Has it occured to you that almost everyone would rather not do the behind the scene stuff? I cant imagine anyone sitting at home and declaring they want to check out roller derby so they can update more spreadsheets. Im sure we’d all love a Roller Derby utopia but sadly there are no Unicorns

OMG I just fell in love with you. I’m a ref but I feel the exact same way. I don’t give a shit about certification; I don’t want to ref tournaments for 5 days straight; I hate the politics; I just want to skate and have fun and guess what? I’m still a pretty damn good ref for someone who’s only been at it a little over a year. Underachievers unite!

I can’t agree more.
However I’m to chicken shit to post this and say that I agree because a lot of the ladies in my league are exactly what you just decribed.
Brownie point scorers, who lives derby the most. Who does the most for the leauge.

I know a skater who quit her college studies so she could focus more on derby. Like wtf dude !!

I wish for a rec leauge, coz I just want to skate when I can, without feeling obliged to contribute more than I can.

Hahahhaha, this is my favorite comment yet, Anon. I love that I’m reaching you secretly. What can you buy with brownie points, anyways? I love what Paul Graham says: “Prestige is especially dangerous to the ambitious. If you want to make ambitious people waste their time on errands, the way to do it is to bait the hook with prestige. That’s the recipe for getting people to give talks, write forewords, serve on committees, be department heads, and so on. It might be a good rule simply to avoid any prestigious task. If it didn’t suck, they wouldn’t have had to make it prestigious.”
(Here’s the rest of that article if you wanna check it out: http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2012/02/27/purpose-work-love/)

I agree with Grave Danger’s comments more than the main article. I think we all wish we could do this for funsies and not have to deal with all the surrounding stress, but if we all did that how would things get done? I have all kinds of other stuff going on in my life, but because a lot of skaters feel the way you do, I have to retire after this season in order to not be in a leadership position. In my league the majority of positions ran unopposed and my position had no one running until the moment of the election when a friend of mine who was league president sincerely begged me to do the job. We all have lives and things to do, people who skirt those things that make the league run are essentially telling me their lives are more important than mine and my time and I find that infuriating. I know that’s not intentionally how they are presenting themselves, but its how it reads after almost three seasons in leadership and having people flake on responsibilities on a regular basis. Just because people are in leadership doesn’t mean they want to be, they may be doing it because no one else will. I know I’ll never be Suzy Hotrod. I have a career and other hobbies that I enjoy, but the culture of leagues doesn’t really allow a half-way membership especially in a larger league. It’s a huge bummer, because I love the sport, I just know that I can’t do it for fun because I have a “leadership personality.”

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I see where you’re coming from. For sure, it can’t just be about some people doing all the working and resenting the people who they feel like aren’t pulling their weight. If we work a little harder at imagining how our teams’ responsibilities can be managed, I think we can share responsibility in a reasonable way that doesn’t create tension. I think everyone within a league has a contribution to make. I think it’s okay for contributions to differ according to ability and availability and I also think it’s okay for players to have differing levels of commitment. I don’t think that derby is a one-size-fits-all sport, and I don’t think that our roles within the league setting should be seen that way either. It seems like you have a knack for leadership, but that you would be a happier member of your league if you had more help. That seems reasonable. Sometimes it seems like people are unwilling to help because they don’t want to deal with the political dynamic of leadership (like me), but they might be totally willing to help out with specific tasks that make your life easier. I really like what Jam Slanders says in this piece about delegating tasks and sharing responsibilities: http://www.derbylife.com/2013/10/ask-jam-slanders-how-to-extinguish-my-burnout/

I wish you weren’t Anonymous! Love what you are saying! So weird how many leagues are alike. We have a lot of very involved and passionate and involved skaters in my current league, but anytime someone flakes I can’t help but resent it. Like you said, it’s like they think my life isn’t as important as theirs. Luckily so far in my current league those people tend to weed themselves out (we are a small league – did not happen this way when I was in a large league).

I’m with you, I just want to skate and let all that other shit be exactly that SHIT I don’t have to deal with. I help out my committee, volunteer off and on skates, but I have not even the smallest desire to run anything. I’m too strong-willed and when things don’t go my way well I’m pissy and I suck so I choose not to put myself in those positions. That’s the best of a team player I can be. Kudos to you for saying it regardless of how your true feelings are viewed by others!!!

Hello friends who are interested enough in this conversation to read this far into the comments:
Since so many readers have really responded to the idea of responsibility management within leagues, I just wanted to take a second to address it. I have responded to a lot of comments from people in leadership roles (here and on FB) who seem frustrated because they feel like they do a lot of derby work and don’t get to have lives and other people just sort of show up. I hope I’ve been clear in my response that I am not actually advocating that approach. Being on a team means thinking bigger than yourself. I do think, however, that that it should be acceptable and not stigmatized for skaters to have differing levels of involvement and commitment, and that tasks should be delegated with some eye toward both aptitude and availability. I don’t think there is anyone involved in this sport that doesn’t want to make a contribution to their league, myself included. If, however, you feel like skaters in your league aren’t motivated to help out, I would like to challenge you to figure out why. Is it because they’re lazy? Probably not. Lazy people don’t really last that long in roller derby. Maybe they feel like their ideas have been shut down. Maybe they feel socially excluded. Maybe they feel like their contributions aren’t valued. Their feelings should be important to you if you want them to want to work hard for the time. We need to keep in mind that this is a volunteer sport. People will volunteer their time and talent if they feel motivated to do so and not if they don’t. It is the responsibility of leaders to diagnose and treat motivation issues within their leagues. Motivation problems can be as simple as “I can’t do that on Thursdays because I can’t find a babysitter,” or as complicated as, “I don’t volunteer to set up bouts because the Bout Production Manager called me a stupid bitch.” (Actually motivation issues can be much more complicated, but I’m not a sports psychologist, so…) In any case, if your team mates aren’t doing their fair share, find out why. Maybe there’s a larger issue that needs to be addressed.
Thanks to everyone who read and commented. I love having these conversations with y’all. Even when (especially when) you don’t agree with me and I have to think really hard about what I’m saying.
xoxo
trAC/DC

I think I understand what you are saying – in other words, regardless of whether it’s training, going to the right parties, name dropping about gear, or participating in league business, you do not want to eat drink sleep derby just to be popular. Is that a fair summation? You’d rather do it on your own terms?

Wow. So can I agree with both the blogger and the commenters?? I think it would be lovely to “just skate”, but I also think that’s a little bit of an unfair fantasy. As a person who IS in a leadership role and had others BEG her to get her partner to also step up into a leadership role and having to cave into that because NO OTHER PERSON was willing to make such a commitment (despite me time and time again stressing that I thought it was grossly unreasonable for a household to have two Board Members in it), I know all too well the frustration of other people thinking that we step up because we want to. That’s just ridiculous. We do it because we want our league to survive. We do it because we are surrounded by people who don’t want to do it and “just want to skate”. Maybe that’s a little unfair – most of our members will contribute something in an off-skates capacity at least a few times a year, and there’s a number that do loads more, so that’s better than just wanting to skate, but sadly it doesn’t help with the day to day running of the business. Which is what a derby league is afterall. I too have a life outside of derby. A pretty busy one actually, and one that’s important to me, and one that’s been, at times, negatively jeopardized by my responsibilities to the League. My leadership role is unsustainable. I won’t be continuing in that capacity for much longer. However, I will continue to be (actually, make that resume being) a skater. In my opinion, the amount of hours I’ve committed to the league this last year (which have been great enough that I didn’t have the time to skate on top of that, despite still paying my dues every month), actually entitles me to some skating time. I’ll still be on a committee, but I’m going to be one of those people who only does a few things a year. Maybe that’s a bit selfish of me, but after a truly exhausting year of running a league, which takes up a number of hours everyday (yes, that includes during the “league holidays”), I sorely need to be reminded that I love derby. Unless you’ve seen first hand what actually goes into running a league, I really don’t think it’s fair to “just skate”. It’s a grassroots organisation that relies on it’s members to do the work so that it can continue to exist. Step up. Share the load. And don’t just assume that the poeople at the top are “power hungry”, they might just be seriously burnt out cos they’re shouldering a massive burden while everyone else still has the time to attend training sessions. One day it would be lovely to be in a position where we can all “just skate”, and I respect and appreciate that you just want to do this as a hobby, so do I, but sadly, if you do that, you’re stepping on the toes of the people who do hold it all together. That’s what I’ll be doing this coming year, and it won’t be the nicest feeling. It might even make me think twice about continuing to be involved in derby, because forcing others to do all the work while I just have fun doesn’t actually sit well with me, but I’m going to give it a shot before walking away entirely.

Anonymiss,
Thanks for your super thoughtful commentary. I sort of feel like I addressed some of these issues in the comment I made to other responders and I don’t want to repeat myself, but I wanted to let you know that I am listening. And I DO get it, actually. I was super involved in my last league and it was a frustrating process of infighting and more infighting. I was frustrated because it seemed like everyone wanted to get their way and no one actually wanted to look at the larger needs of the team. It took up all my time and left a really bad taste in mouth. And now that I’ve joined a new league I want to stay away from the drama. I see the leadership hierarchy and I listen to the politics from afar and I just don’t want to be a part of it. That doesn’t mean I’m not happy to help. It means I’m happy to keep my head down and my mouth shut because I don’t want to fight with people. I will say, though, that some very smart responses to this piece have inspired me to think in a more sophisticated way about what I can do without playing elitist games. So, thanks for that.
Cheers,
T.

Great blog as always TrAC! <3 I agree. I get where the commenters are coming from as well, but I totally understand everything you wrote about. After 7 years of derby, I can definitely relate to how you're feeling. Good luck with your return!

I love this blog. It’s real. I respect it. The problem is that the experience of people like you can be ruined by people who are the derby overachievers and expect everyone else to be as well. Those who run the training committee of WFTDA leagues ranked below #150 that say that 75% attendance is mandatory because you can’t be #1 with any less. Those who constantly judge others for their diet and cross training choices, or lack thereof. And of those who are just dicks and withhold roster spots from people they don’t like for some reason or another. Because there’s people who never had control in high school and use derby as an excuse to be the bully this go round.

But the worst are the people who constantly judge others for not trying to be Suzy Hotrod all the time. I don’t want to be #1. I don’t even want to be number #10. I just want to play some fucking derby. I like this blog.

I have and understand all of these sentiments but I’ve gone a different route it seems

Currently, I’m a coach and just a coach. By adding that emphasized “just” in there, I’m not downplaying what I do. I’m saying that I don’t do anything else. I’m not competing with the players for spot on the roster and I’m not busting my ass to make the requirements for it either. And that’s how I want it because I’ve had those similar sentiments to yours but mine are a little different. After playing for years, I thought I was done. I thought roller derby was becoming a monster I didn’t want to be a part of anymore. Its no fun watching leagues make the transformation from a group of teammates pushing each other to be better with a little bit of friendly competition to a group of competitors willing to step on the necks of those around them in the climb to the top of skate mountain.

But being given the opportunity to coach gave me a chance to dip my toes in the water again. I get to truly see if the world of derby if doomed to have every team come to the stage of “intraleague elitism” as you put it or if there might be hope. And even more so, I get to have a say so in trying to keep it from being that way.

But best of all, I’m not a skater. That’s great for me right now because I’m not motivated to be a skater. I’m not motivated to continue trying to be the best at what I can do on 8 wheels. I’m not motivated to train outside out of the few practices a weeks. I’m not motivated to talk derby constantly outside of practice or meetings. I pay attention and the training committee discusses things we think are important based on the direction of gameplay in the derby world but it has far from taken over my life as it did when I was playing. Even going to some place like wal-mart become a derby outing because I would find myself lingering in the tights or socks or shorts sections rather than popping in and out with the milk and eggs that I had come for. But the way it is now, I sometimes even forget that I’m a coach. It doesn’t seem as big of a deal to me and I don’t proudly announce it when I first encounter someone new as I did when I was a player. It doesn’t define me yet I get to skate and be around a group of people who are fun and enjoy something that I do too. I’ve got a personal, non-derby life that is requiring a lot of my attention to fix and cultivate so I can get it where I want to be. I don’t have the time, will, or energy to spend countless hours not specifically allotted for derby worrying about derby.

So I guess all in all, what I’m trying to say is that I love, understand, and share the feelings expressed in this. I’ve felt this way before but the control freak and super worrier in me wants to have something to do with the planning and whatnot of the league I’m involved in. But to be a skater and be the planner/organizer/derby extraordinaire is not just time consuming but life consuming.

Your article really resonated with me…because I have repeatedly tried to step up and do more with my league, to be rebuffed by the people in leadership. Who are the exact same people who always claim total exhaustion, yet keep taking on more responsibility. There is a distinct lack of ability to delegate and to relinquish control.

Which is the the term “my” league is no longer accurate…I left because I couldn’t step it up and I have been frustrated and bored stiff for months.

If and when I come back to derby, it will be elsewhere, and it will be with your current attitude. Because I have finally learned my lesson.