Stevens: Face it, it’s destiny

Published 8:00 pm, Saturday, April 12, 2003

Third-round leader Jeff Maggert will over-sleep, miss his tee-time by 30 seconds and be disqualified from the Masters.

Mike Weir will have a putt to win on the 18th hole, but a squirrel will run across the green, snatch the ball and run to Macon, Ga., where Weir must play the shot from a nest in an oak tree.

Phil Mickelson will have a three-shot lead after 16 holes, but 12-putt the 17th.

Ernie Els will smash a drive into the parking lot, landing the ball in the backseat of Jim Nantzs car, and hell be penalized for taking too much time to look for the ball, and lose the tournament by one shot.

Amateur Ricky Barnes will wake up this morning, scream at the top of his lungs, "Im playing in the final round of the MASTERS" and be carted off to the nearest hospital.

Darren Clarke will say "forget it," and take a plane back to Europe.

Vijay Singh will be on the 18th green, putting to the win the tournament, and a gale wind will blow his ball into sink hole, just off the green, which emerged as Singh started to putt the ball. The ball cannot be found.

Jim Furyks caddie will refuse to carry his bag because he wants to watch NASCAR, forcing Furyk to tote his own bag and shoot an 82 in the final round.

With a chance for victory, Jose Maria Olazabal will crank a tee-shot down the middle of the fairway on the 18th hole, and the ball will mysteriously disappear into a misty fog at 6 oclock in the afternoon. Little green men are seen giggling as they run toward the clubhouse.

Len Mattiace, Jonathan Byrd, and K.J. Choi will mutually agree at the midway point of the final round that they should not win the tournament because no one knows who they are, and will immediately withdraw.

David Toms will demonstrate for fans how he can juggle a ball with a 9-iron, and hell be penalized for every time the ball hits the club. Toms must card a 44 before he arriving at the first hole.

And Tiger Woods ….

Tied entering the final hole, hell rip a tee-shot headed for the woods, but a wounded, one-eyed crow will fly from a pine tree, and the ball will bounce off the bird and into a lush spot in the middle of the fairway.

Woods next shot will fly over the green, but it hits a spectator in the forehead who is sneezing. The force of the mans head causes the ball to head back toward the green where it comes to rest six feet from the flag.

If Woods hits the putt, he wins the tournament. Woods putt rolls past the cup. WAIT A SECOND! But due to the angle of the club striking the ball, the ball actually has backspin on it, forcing it to retreat toward the cup. The ball trickles toward the cup, rests on the lip, and falls into the cup after the wounded crow staggers onto the green, collapses near the ball, coughes, and causes the ball to fall into the hole.

Tiger, therefore, is the Masters champion for the third consecutive year.