So just what is in a name? One judge has his say

Editor’s Note. Here’s one from the archives. This column first appeared in the Aug. 7, 2008, issue of the Sanford News.

You knew this was going to happen, sooner or later.

A judge in New Zealand recently forced two parents to rename their daughter. The judge had had enough of mothers and fathers who were giving their kids ridiculous names, The Associated Press recently reported.

The girl’s name? Talula Does The Hula.

As columnist Dave Barry likes to say down there in Miami, I am not making this up. How could I?

Talula’s a cute name. Nothing wrong there. But the rest of it? I only hope the family’s last name is not “Hoop.”

According to the AP article, the girl’s new name has not been released, in order to protect her privacy. Seems like a good idea. The girl’s nine, so she’s probably been teased enough, especially if she never did live up to her name and learn how to dance the hula.

Hopefully, this judge’s decision will be one heard around the world. It puts parents on notice: Watch what you name your kids. Put yourself in their shoes. Do you really think they want to sit around the nursing home when they’re 98 years old with a name like “Bee Sting” or “Cool Breeze” or something like that?

When the judge in New Zealand gave his order to Talula’s parents, he rattled off a list of stupid names that registration officials in his country have prevented parents from giving their children. Fish and Chips. Yeah Detroit. Keenan Got Lucy.

Yeah Detroit? That reminds me of the name of an actor I remember who flashed in the pan in the late 1980s. “Yahoo Serious” was his name. I can’t remember anything about him, only that his name was “Yahoo Serious.”

Believe it or not, here’s one name that New Zealand officials did let slip through: Number 16 Bus Shelter. No cash prizes for guessing where that kid was conceived.

Such outrage over ridiculous names extends only to people. You can name animals anything, I would think. My wife came home from work one day and said she met a sandy-colored guinea pig named “Beach Boy.” He even wore a little Hawaiian shirt, she said.

I still smile when I think of “Beach Boy.” And I didn’t even meet him.

I even think it’s OK to give pets people’s names. I have a dog named Molly, for instance. I’d get a kick out of meeting a cat named Frank.

But when it comes to people? Actual human beings and their names?

From here I need to tread carefully. Like a lot of people, I shake my head when I come across a name that tries too hard to be original. We all know people, for example, who spell even the most common, popular and conventional names in a way that suggests their parents were trying to reinvent the alphabet. Too many vowels. One too many consonants in succession. Extra syllables.

Over the years I’ve seen my own name spelled a number of ways. And the truth is, “Shawn” is a phonetic translation of the proper Irish spelling of “Sean,” which I thought was pronounced “seen” until I was eight years old.

I know a few guys who spell their name “Shaun.” I went to school with a guy who went with “Shon.” No problems there.

I frowned, though, when I once saw my name spelled as “Sion.” At first glance, you’d be tempted to figure the name is inexplicably pronounced “Sigh-On,” but no. It’s pronounced loosely along the lines of the last syllable in a word like “explosion.”

I’ll know parents these days are just getting lazy if ever I meet a guy who spells it “Shun,” essentially cutting short that appealing slight drawl that I like in the middle of my name.

On the extreme end of the spectrum, there are those monikers that sound out suggestive or inappropriate turns of phrase when the first and last names are said together. You know which ones I’m talking about. You’ve heard them. I’m not going to print them here in a family newspaper, of course. But don’t think I’m not sitting here right now, chuckling to myself as they come to mind.

I once met a woman whose husband was named Joseph King. That’s a good, strong name, but it did not prevent me from swinging for the fences with a really bad pun. This was back in college when I thought everything I said was hilarious.

“He must be Joe King,” I said.

Get it? He must be joking. Ha ha.

Yeah, she rolled her eyes. She had probably heard it before.

Nice lesson I learned there: It’s not right to make fun of someone’s name. After all, they’re stuck with it for life.

Unless they’re Talula Does The Hula.

Shawn P. Sullivan is the editor of the Sanford News. He can be reached at ssullivan@sanfordnews.com.