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What Turkey should I serve with my wine?

(I first published this article a lot longer ago than I thought I did... resurrected and updated for your enjoyment! - El Jefe

This is the time of year when newspapers, magazines, the airwaves (and cablewaves), and internet are full of it... er, meaning of course advice on what wine you should drink with your Thanksgiving turkey.

First, we at Twisted Oak would like to caution you against drinking with your turkey. That's a little weird. We suggest getting some friends to drink with instead. Or at least thaw your bird before drinking with it. Drinking with a frozen bird is extra weird.

Second, we (at Twisted Oak, again) believe that is the wrong question. Instead we pick the wine and then decide what turkey to have with it! Here, then, is our guide...

2012 Picpoul: Turkey Fricassee. Get your mind out of the gutter - a "fricassee" is just like Turkey Helper only you make it yourself because it is way easy. Any cooked turkey works great for this, just chop it up (uh, be sure to remove the bones first.) Dice up some carrots, celery and onions, and saute it all in a little butter (saute - that's like frying, but you try to look fancy doing it) for a few minutes until it starts to get tender. Stir in a little flour, just a tablespoon or two, then add some combination of stock, good wine (hint hint!), milk, and/or cream. Cook gently until it becomes a nice sauce, add the turkey, salt and pepper to taste. Green peppercorns and cornichons not required. Serve over nearly anything: rice, noodles, your roommate....

2011 Viognier: A simple yet elegant unstuffed whole bird, rubbed with salt and pepper and olive oil, roasted over a bed of carrots and celery and onions. 325 degrees until done. I imagine this is how The Martha does it, though I generally prefer not to imagine The Martha doing it...

2010 River of Skulls: Definitely barbecued turkey legs. A light spice rub and then grilled carefully over charcoal. I suppose you can bake them and finish them on the grill if you must. Eat with your hands only - knife and fork prohibited - serving wenches and knaves are NOT optional!

2011 *%#&@!: My traditional stuffed turkey handed down through the generations. You know, the real deal: Mrs. Cubbisons Seasoned Dressing ("It's Melba Toasted!"), not the cornbread crap that is all you can find in the stores 3 days before Thanksgiving. Follow the basic recipe (real butter!), add extra homemade stock to make it all mushy, and stuff that bird up! And if you even think about adding walnuts or oysters, go stand in the corner....

2011 Tempranillo: Definitely deep fried turkey. Could there be anything more American than immersing the National Bird into several gallons of the National Cooking Fluid? Is there anything we won't fry? I've never fried a turkey, but I understand you should have plenty of good quality oil heated to 360 degrees. A six pack wouldn't hurt either. And for dessert - what else but Deep Fried Twinkies?