Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

Blasting Off: John Glenn scolded the media for focusing on his age and fame instead of the scientific merits of his upcoming shuttle mission. "Upon his return from space, Glenn will star with Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon in 'Grumpy Old Astronauts.' " (Joshua Sostrin)

Two Scoops: "Ben & Jerry's has come up with a new flavor of ice cream that should please all House Republicans. It's called Im-Peach-Mint." (Paul Ecker)

Carved in Stone: "After the Clinton debacle is relegated to history, Kenneth Starr's likeness will be sculpted on Mt. Molehill." (Stan Kaplan)

Brought to You by . . . : The PBS children's show "Sesame Street" is under fire for accepting corporate sponsors for the first time. "In fact, some of the most vocal critics are the show's own stars: Kermit the Budweiser Frog, Vlasic Pickle Me Elmo, Big Bird's-Eye, Oreo Cookie Monster and Miss Piggly Wiggly." (Steve Voldseth)

Full-Court Press: The NBA lockout may cancel the '98 season. "Players are starting to market their skills elsewhere. Latrell Sprewell just called the White House and asked if there are any witnesses they'd like to have strangled." (Argus Hamilton)

Neither Rain nor . . . : The U.S. Postal Service will commemorate the '70s with yellow smiley-face stamps. "But if you get a letter with a smiley face on it, chances are it was actually mailed in the '70s, and you're just finally getting it." (Andrew Wisot)

Happy Homecoming?: Roseanne has invited ex-husband Tom Arnold to appear on her talk show for an episode on forgiveness. "She should also invite anyone who has ever watched her show." (Zack Taylor)

Happy Anniversary?: Bill and Hillary Clinton just celebrated their 23rd wedding anniversary. "You know, it seems like only yesterday that Bill got down on his knees and pledged to love, honor and obey Hillary. Oh, wait, that was only yesterday." (Voldseth)

Scoot Over: Alan Greenspan says that on paper, investors have lost $1.5 trillion. "How big a number is 1.5 trillion? That's how many pigeons need to be removed from New York City ledges to make room for the brokers." (Kenny Noble Cortes)