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Thursday, December 7, 2017

This year, a lot had happened. I went through so many ups and downs this year. 2017 is the year I turned 24. Throughout this year, although maaaany things had happened, I had mixed feelings on each event. I could say that this year is the year I hit rock bottom, but also the year that means a lot to me, a year that I am blessed a lot.

By the end of last year, I had decided to get married on July this year. So, throughout the earlier part of the year, I had always have mixed feelings. It was my last phase of being a single lady. In everything I do, I always had a mindset of "I better enjoy this now, as it may be difficult to do this when I get married". and without me realizing, I thought about it too much that it burdened me.

In everything I do, I would think about what would happen after I got married. Or if I really am getting married. Now I know why people said the engagement phase is a test. Because it was quite a tough one. Some days I would be positive, but on many days, I had many negative thoughts. Especially after consuming failed marriage stories on twitter, facebook, IIUM confession, etc.

Then I also arrived to a phase where I am adulting. I need to really be independent, was what I thought. Nobody told be to be reliable or dependable, but I just felt that I had to. Especially when it comes to financial issue because college and marriage requires a lot of money, and I didn't want to burden both my parents and my then fiancé. However, when I feel that I have failed being reliable, I would be so disappointed of myself.

The thoughts of being a disappointment, not being ready to get married, not being able to achieve what I wanted, brought me to depression. I could not focus on my study. My procrastination level had increased. On some days, I would only sit in my room and cry. I was too afraid of the future.

went to Balai Cerap alone to clear my mind

On March, I met a counselor. I met him every week for a month. I sought for advice on how to overcome all of this. I followed the advice, and life began to be bright again. On the fourth week, I feel like I can finally focus on my study. So we decided to set that fourth appointment as the last.

However, things happened again and on May, I hit the final rock bottom. I could not focus on my study, I was too sensitive with people around me and it was very hard for me to accomplish my tasks. And I had tonnes of tasks to do! (especially because it was the end of the semester, so gotta wrap up for everything. assignment, research, organization, etc)

Long story short, I dropped one course because I couldn't do the assignments, failed two courses because I wasn't able to focus, but I got an A+ in one course. Haha. So in my CGPA, only points for 2 courses was being calculated. One failure and one A+. My GPA was super bad, and my CGPA was just at the border. My supervisor said that if I was just 0.1 less, I would be exempted from my study.

Oh, plus, this happens just two to one months before my marriage, so can you imagine the pressure?

and another plus, I only shared this with two or three people. I was too embarrased to tell most of my friends and family members about this. I did a lot throughout the years, so others may thought that I was living my life well. but in actuality, I was doing a lot just to distract my mind from the negative thoughts.

Went to Starbucks alone, also to clear my mind, although this time I don't have much money left XD
Had a little sweet time here because the Caramel Latte is good, and the barista spelled my name correctly!

At the end of the semester, I met my supervisor a lot for consultation. Not only academics, but also personal one. Alhamdulillah, she gave me sooo many positive vibes. I felt like I could breathe again. So I started the semester break with a new energy and put everything that happened in that semester behind. I started to focus on my marriage, and spending time with my family.

Alhamdulillah, Allah ease sooo many things for my family and I just a month before my marriage. It felt a lot better. Allah ease things for us (my husband and I) also, so it was really a great sunshine, after the rain. I could be myself again. I was at the tip of happiness.

I got married to my husband on July 22, 2017. Then, had a reception on his side of the family on July 29. A week after, we had a honeymoon / company family trip at Tioman Island. Alhamdulillah, I was soo happy. Happier that now I have a husband and I can just share anything with him, anytime.

Sometimes, the past rock bottom would haunt me and I would suddenly cry again. But it wouldn't last long because my husband would comfort me.

I started the semester again, and this felt better than the previous one. Yes, the phase of rising again is quite challenging because I'm fighting against myself every time, but now I feel stronger because Allah has shown me that I have soo many blessings around me. In the past, I felt like I'm a burden to everyone including my parents, siblings friends and husband. Now, I realized that they loved me a lot; they, especially my parents and husband, would do anything just to make me happy.

I still have tasks to accomplish; tasks that I left behind last semester. and I know I still have to do them. I cannot just abandon them. But I don't know if I will be able to do them or not.. I hope I will, somehow, be able to do them, and do all my assignments and work, and do well in this semester.

Oh Allah, please lend me lots of strengths to finish all my work!

........................................

It feels good to write again, and it feels best that I could write what I had been holding in my mind. I hope by writing this, the negative thoughts would be thrown away, to give more space to the positive thoughts.

I initially wanted to write a post on 2017 summary, but suddenly it became a 2017 reflection. lol. I guess I had to do this first, before appreciating the blessings I have this year. So that the positive memories remain. I need to give credits to many people too, for making my life colourful.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

A few days ago, my dad came into my room and passed me this letter. This letter confirms that I'm no longer tied to PTPTN, as my study loan had been switched to a scholarship due to graduating with a good pointer. Alhamdulillah :)

I'm debt-free. Yeay.

I still remember that before I started my degree, I was trying so hard to get scholarship. I thought that by taking the education course, KPM would offer scholarships. Unfortunately, starting from my 1-year seniors' batch, they stopped. What makes it worse is that NO scholarship was offered for education course. NONE. And I only found this out during my 1st year of degree. I was quite in disbelief plus dissatisfied because I believe that teachers in training should be given scholarship more. I mean, we're helping to shape the future kot.

Ok, enough complaining. Back to main story.

So, in the end, I decided to apply for PTPTN although I was veeery nervous at first. Because numerous people have said negative things about it. But I've also heard that a good pointer may reduce the paying-back of the loan. Considering my pointer during foundation is quite ok, I was hoping I would get some discount for my loan. So, my aim was to get into dean's list.

Then, there was this one time where I met a doctor for a check up. The doctor was asking what course am I applying for, and if I got any scholarship. I answered and told him I'm considering to take loans if I did not get scholarship.

"That's why I want to study hard and get a great pointer. Maybe 3.7 and above," I said.
"Eh, don't just settle to that. Aim for 4 flat lah!" The doctor replied.
"But I think that's impossible," My turn to reply.
"Don't worry. I know you can do it. Just aim for 4 flat, and study hard. We got to aim for the best, you know," the doctor convinced.

His words somehow motivated me.
Yep, gotta aim for the best.

Baguslah doctor tu. No wonder he's a doctor. May Allah bless you.
Anyway, the dialogue above was not exactly like that because it was 4 years ago lor. But the point was there.

So, during my second sem of my degree, I applied for PTPTN. I did not get the full loan, though, but I was grateful because less loan means less debt. Alhamdulillah. My pointer during my 1st semester was also good, so I'm more convinced that I would get discount.

Somewhere in the middle of degree (can't remember when), i was discussing with my friends about PTPTN when someone said that those graduating with first class will not have to pay the loan back. Later I reread the PTPTN's policy on it's website and it was true! The loan will be like a scholarship if the student graduate with first class. That was new.

That motivated me to study and work harder to get a first class. Because I want a loan to lessen my dad's burden, but I also don't want to have debts.

Alhamdulillah, with prayers from my parents and others around me, and most importantly, Allah's will, it worked. Although I did not get 4 flat, the pointer was still great.

Graduated with first class, applied for confirmation letter from the UTM academic office, sent the letter and other required documents to PTPTN's office, and in less than a month, I received this letter.

Thank you PTPTN. Thank you to the people whose money is in PTPTN. Huhu. Thank you to the people who were asked lotsss about PTPTN (my siblings, cousins, friends, etc). Thank you to abah and mama. Thank you doctor (if I aimed lower, i may still have debt now). Thank you postman. Thank you everyone.

Thank you Allah.

Now I have to do well in master's.
Need to get scholarship,

At least do well so that the time, money, energy and etc invested for my study is spent well.

4) Joined marathons
5) Penang Trip!
6) Started master's
7) Became more humane
8) Part time jobs - Tuition teacher, private tutor, proofreader, translator
9) I still have and love my family
10) I still have and love my circlessss of friends

Alhamdulillah for everything.

What's going to happen in 2017?

1) Safiah is getting married! I'm getting another brother-in-law. Oh, today is his birthday, by the way.
2) Still doing masters with part time jobs
3) Kelantan Trip, insyaAllah.
4) change in status, perhaps?
5) and only Allah knows the rest :)

Now I shall end this post with some photos in 2016.

Discovered a new lepak place. This was with Kak Nadiah Yusof, at Taman Merdeka.

That's a musical fountain. Operates at 9-11pm. Idk which day because sometimes it's there, sometimes it isn't lol.

Muzakarah Siswi during PERNAIS'16

We had a sharing session with Ketua Wanita IKRAM.

Went to Balai Cerap with our new Japanese friends during the UTM-SIT Buddy programme

I can't remember if this is before or after we went to Bazar Karat. but one thing for sure, everyone was super tired and sleepy at this time. haha.

My buddy and I. His name is Takahashi Takumi. 3 years younger than me.

Bedah buku with team Penulisan :)

Joined Walk4Humanity, organised by Rose2Rose and MyCare.

My first 5KM run, I guess?

My classmates, during a presentation for Language Testing and Evaluation subject.

Our final semester together.

A random trip to Mersing with these lovelies.

Two days before:

"Aliya, jom gi pantai"

"Jom! Kita gi lusa"

Faculty of Education Dinner. The only senior TESLians there. haha.

When I just submitted my FYP. Had to meet my friends because I was too happy.

Rayaaa

Penang trip! Somewhere in the streets in Georgetown.

This guy from London was selling goods that he owns that he believes are valuable to be shared with others. I bought one collection of classical plays.

At Fort Cornwallis. Oh, these two were my roommates back in my Foundation days in Lendu.

At Penang Hill. I love Penang Hill because the air was soooo coooool~

Food hunting with Kak Izyana. Korean food!

The TESLians who further study. This was after one of our classes.

It was almost dark.

Of course, my graduation photo. Hiks.

Aaand the last one. This was durng Safiah's engagement, a day after my birthday.

Awkard pointing because ... never mind.

There are actually many more interesting photos to be shared, but I have already shared plenty on Instagram and Facebook. Lol.

Look, these are all obvious blessings. I should ponder these blessing more and get myself more motivated to keep living my life fully. Allah has (and still) grant me lots. Alhamdulillah for everything.