Porn: Women struggle with it, too

Pornography addiction is typically classified as a man’s problem. But we recently interviewed Rachel Coyle, a certified counselor with the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors, about the prevalence of pornography use among women. It’s more common than you might think, and here’s how the church can help.

How common is pornography use among women?

I suspect it’s more common than most people realize, even within our churches. Pornography is a difficult subject to quantify among women, because the statistics do not tell the full story. They tend to be based solely on Internet pornography use. There have been some statistics published online, for example, CovenantEyes.com, but they tend to be limited to visual forms of pornography and don’t include the numbers of women who are using nonvisual sources, such as graphic reading material like romance novels, magazines, and Internet articles. If those sources of pornography are taken into consideration, then I think the numbers of women who struggle with pornography would skyrocket. Those nonvisual materials produce the same results in the mind and body as visual stimulation does.

Are women’s temptations with porn different from men’s?

Men tend to be attracted to visual images, but pornography encompasses more than just the visual. For example, magazine articles like those in Cosmopolitan can result in sexual arousal for women. Playboy in the 1970s was even considered pornography for women. Those articles don’t necessarily contain graphic descriptions of sexual acts, but the articles are sensualizing just about everything and desensitizing people to sexual sin.

Even Christian romance novels can be a source of temptation for women who struggle with pornography. The novels might not describe graphically the sexual acts like a secular romance novel does, but they hint at them, and that’s enough to trigger thoughts in a woman’s mind. That can be very dangerous for a woman who’s already struggling in this area.

How can pastors help a woman who struggles with pornography?

Offer hope: First and foremost, pastors need to offer hope to a woman who is struggling with pornography. She needs to know that she’s not alone, that’s she not too far gone, and that she’s not weird because she struggles with what is normally perceived as a man’s problem.

First Corinthians 10:13 says, “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” That’s encouraging for anyone who feels hopeless because it reminds us that in Christ, we do have hope for overcoming sin.

She needs to know she’s not alone in struggling with what’s normally considered a man’s problem.

Explain sanctification: Second, pastors need to make sure women who use porn know the gospel and understand salvation and the process of sanctification. Let’s assume we’re dealing with a woman who is truly saved and yet struggles with pornography. She needs to understand sanctification: becoming more like Jesus Christ in actions, character, thoughts, desires, in every area of our lives. But she also needs to understand that sanctification is a process. She can’t expect to be perfected overnight, and she shouldn’t expect her struggle with porn to disappear overnight either.

She needs to understand that sanctification is a process.

Encourage her to pray and take action: In biblical passages such as Ephesians 4:22–24 and Colossians 3:5–14, we learn that believers have a role and responsibility to play in gradually becoming more like Christ. Many Christians believe wrongly that all you have to do is pray to experience freedom from a particular sin. One of the women whom I reference in my book was told that all she needed to do was pray for freedom and claim freedom from pornography. So she tried. She prayed fervently for years. And it was to no avail. She was losing all hope.

She came to me feeling hopeless. Prayer is a great starting place, but it doesn’t end there. Pastors need to remind women that they do have to take action in order to be free from life-dominating sin. God has given us clear direction in His Word.

What practical steps can the woman take to overcome this sin?

After you’ve established a safe environment by (1) offering hope by encouraging her that she’s not alone or weird in this struggle, (2) helping her understand the process of sanctification, and (3) guiding her to take prayerful action, you can wisely and gently encourage the woman with these biblical action points to help her in overcoming pornography use.

Confess her sin: First, the woman needs to confess her sin. Sin thrives in the darkness (see John 3:19–21 and Ephesians 5:11–13). The first step toward freedom from pornography is to expose the sin in her own life—to confess to God first, but also to others who are affected by her sin.

Since women can understand more of how another woman’s brain is wired, the woman struggling with pornography needs to confess to somebody other than her husband, such as a trusted woman to whom she can go for accountability.

It might be difficult for her to be completely open and honest with her husband, and it might not be beneficial because sometimes the spouse wants the details but doesn’t need the details. Sometimes the details are hurtful or detrimental in their relationship. The woman may need to share with another accountability partner the details that wouldn’t necessarily be beneficial for her to share with her husband.

Remove temptation: Next, the woman who uses porn needs to radically amputate what is tempting her to sin in this area. She needs to do whatever it takes to make it difficult to sin in this way. Matthew 5:29 [NASB] describes this radical amputation when it says, “If your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.”

Beware of desensitization: Pastors should counsel women trying to stay away from temptation to beware of desensitization, because the media, our culture, and ultimately our enemy want to desensitize us toward the dangers of sexual sin. So pastors should counsel women to not even walk the line. We can’t really get away from all of the sexualization in our culture, but we can be careful about what we intentionally put into our minds in the form of television shows, movies, popular novels, magazines. All these things can lead to desensitization, and they often glorify sexual sin and make it seem appealing.

Pastors and counselors should warn women that they never know when entertainment will transition from curiosity or “just for fun” into actual enslavement. It’s a slippery slope. Women should be careful about what they listen to, read, watch, follow on Facebook: all of those areas can cultivate purity or destroy it.

In our highly sexualized society, how can a woman keep her mind pure?

Philippians 4:8 gives us a list of things that we should be thinking about. Women can use this list to keep their thoughts on a godly path throughout the day. The verses further remind us that we can choose what we think about. Paul wouldn’t have given us the instruction to “think about these things,” if we didn’t have a choice in what we think about. So the woman struggling with porn can take those thoughts captive unto the obedience of Christ. Maybe she should even make a list of the lies she’s been believing, and then the truths that replace the lies.

The lies she’s believing are that “pornography isn’t going to hurt me.” Or “I can’t stop this. I have no control over this. There’s no hope.” Or “It’s really not that bad,” or “I’m not hurting anybody but myself.” Pastors or counselors can help women go through these lies one by one. When a woman finds herself listening to a lie, she can take that thought captive unto the obedience of Christ and replace it with the truth. Perhaps the truth is that every time she watches this particular sitcom and they’re making jokes about sex, she wants to go into the other room and start daydreaming. In order to stop thinking about those things, she has to stop watching that TV show. She may not even be able to read those Christian romance novels. She needs to read other things instead.

How can pastors make it easier for a woman struggling with porn use to ask for help?

In our churches, we need to start being real with each other, being real enough to admit that Christians struggle with very difficult sins. Women are more likely to seek help for pornography if they feel their pastor understands that members of his congregation can love Christ and still struggle with life-dominating sin like porn.

And when pastors address pornography from the pulpit, they shouldn’t address it as only a man’s problem. Usually the pastor says something like, “I want to speak to the men for a minute,” and then he says what he wants to say about pornography. But pastors can openly admit from the pulpit that pornography is becoming an increasing problem among women as well as men. That allows the women in the congregation who are struggling to realize, “Wow, this pastor gets it. He understands.”

Women are more likely to seek help if they feel their pastor understands they can love Christ and still struggle with life-dominating sin like porn.

Pastors can also appoint a woman in the congregation who can be approached by those who are struggling with pornography for counseling. Women are typically embarrassed to admit this struggle, even with another woman, much less her pastor.

How can male pastors help a woman struggling with porn without creating more problems for both of them?

Having a woman available to counsel women in this area is ideal. The pastor can definitely oversee the counseling; the counselee should know beforehand how the pastor is going to be involved. For example, the pastor might want to review notes each week or perhaps check in with the counselor from time to time. But if a pastor is going to counsel a woman herself, then I would suggest having another trusted mature woman in the room at all times during every counseling session—the same woman. Or use a co-counseling method where the pastor and a laywoman counsel together.

Churches could also try a group setting, depending on how many people are struggling, but that may not be very beneficial. I think one-on-one counseling, especially for this issue, is the best. Most people don’t want details shared in a large group. And for a woman to listen to what other women are doing can be a stumbling block in itself.

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Rachel Coyle has been counseling, discipling, and teaching women for more than fifteen years. She desires to help women learn how to study, understand, and apply the Word of God in their everyday lives. She holds an MA in biblical counseling and is a certified counselor with Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC). Rachel is the author of Help! She’s Struggling with Pornography: Living in a Fallen World and a minibook also titled Help! She’s Struggling with Pornography. Rachel and her husband, Philip, enjoy a lively household with their five children.

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