It Takes Two

By John A. Lavin

Friends, when was the last time you got up in the morning and thought, "Gosh, it sure has been a long time since I've seen a Steve Guttenberg movie." I know, not long enough, right? Well, I thought I could handle it. I thought I could go to a screening of the Gutte man's new flic, "It Takes Two" and not become violently ill. I was wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong.

Yes, Steve Guttenberg is back, playing a multi-millionaire widower with all the razor sharp acting skill that marked him as a master thespian in such high water marks as "Police Academy", and "Police Academy II", and "Police Academy III". Joining him is Kirstie Alley, who plays the head of a New York City orphanage. Kirstie has her hands full with the adorable little muppets, managing to keep her hair in impeccable shape as she deals with the daily "sloppy joe" feedings of her little rascals.

So what brings these two star-crossed lovers together? Why, the terribly cheeky little Olsen twins, that's who! Those twin Barbie dolls of syndication play identical strangers who are so very, very different, and yet are really the same. In brief, the twins get this whole "Parent Trap" thing going, with the rich twin acting like the orphaned twin, and vice-versa.

Now, about half-way through this ugly little experience, I began to feel kinda queasy. The sight of the pig-faced Olsen twins doing their happy dances:UUURRRRGGGGHHHHH! Kirstie Alley reaching for Steve Guttenberg after the thrilling foodfight at the summer camp: BBBUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH! And then, the climactic horse and buggy sprint across Central Park leading to the "disaster at the wedding scene".........I, I, I think I need to lie down. In fact, I don't know if I'm ever going to recover. "It Takes Two" just might drive me away from ever seeing another Steve Guttenberg film. Think of it. No more "Cocoon; The Return", no more "Short Circuit", no more "Can't Stop the Music"? Oh, why even bother to go on?