So I’m super pissed that I wasn’t able to see Star Trek Into Darkness in IMAX 3D because some wankers at the AMC Loews Lincoln Square 13 Theater are fucking idiots about the presale for tickets, and for some fucking reason were only allowing pre-purchase for opening night a week before but not the following days. Or so I was told. But like Obi Wan says, “Who’s more foolish? The fool, or the fool who follows it?” And that’s why he was Jedi Master and I’m just a Trekkie.

First thing’s last, after they wheel in the parade of planet title cards accompanied by the original tv series theme song, the filmmakers soberly want to remind us that “This film is dedicated to our post-9/11 veterans” – which is like…the ultimate buzzkill. Now don’t me wrong, I support our troops (and what U.S. citizen in their right mind wouldn’t say that considering Obama’s NDAA law?), but are we to assume that the covert militarization of Starfleet in Star Trek Into Darkness is an overt analogy to our current military-industrial complex that permeates the underbelly from within the darkest corridors of the Pentagon, all the way down to the attendant in the White House bathroom? I guess that small dose of gooey substance capable of forming a black hole when ignited known as “Red Matter” in Star Trek isn’t as chilling as the 72 WMDs with cryogenically frozen comrades in photon-torpedo capsules. I mean, I of course immediately drew comparison with all the other liberals, lefty’s, and conspiracy theorists to those $12 million pricetag for a single drone which the U.S. currently uses in preemptive strikes against terrorist countries. Only the big difference in Trek, is that the drones aren’t unmanned and instead contain super humans that when defrosted kick fucking ass and make Major T.J. Kong look like a fucking light weight! As for the Red Matter, that’s another matter. That being said, director J.J. Abrams and writers solidify why they are the the nerd kings of soap opera tv shows.

And with that, every character cried, even Khan. I sure hope Spock breaks up with Uhura in the next one so that I won’t have to cry anymore over their touching devotion to each other. Thank God for Benedict Cumberbatch’s nefarious portrayal of Khan and Simon Pegg’s comedic timing – from being startled by fish, to running like fatboy to save his mates. But the biggest laugh for me was when Spock screams, “KHAN!” Which is also a slap in the face to Shatner who’s again left out of the party. Why can’t anyone just come clean and tell him that he looks nothing like Chris Pine? Alternate universe or not that just won’t fly.

Speaking of alternate universes, as much as I loved J.J.’s take on Star Trek I can’t help but have ominous feelings towards his undertaking of reviving the Star Wars franchise because that’s in another galaxy far, far, away…