Ask Auntie Leila: How do I approach Stations of the Cross with my children?

How would you recommend approaching the Stations of the Cross with little kids? Mine are just six and not quite four (and one).

Dear Annalisa,

Your question is the perfect opportunity for me to attempt to clarify what I think is the most important aspect of passing on the faith to our children, and I keep repeating it — live your Lent (or other liturgical season or devotion or attendance at Mass or what have you) first and foremost. Secondarily you can think about directly teaching them more about whatever it is — keeping clearly in mind that knowing about a thing is the first (indispensable, to be sure) stage of understanding and loving a thing — of making it our own — but there are many ways to know about something.

I am sure you are not falling into this error, but I do see some people thinking that the only way to convey the faith to their children is to use didactics of some sort. To stuff their little heads with info. To inundate them with crafts. To “do more.”

Your choice of words — “approach” rather than “teach” — gives me confidence that you are trying to tap into the collective memory, not trying to come up with another activity for the kids to do! So that’s the first step.

If what I say is true, then let’s try to live the Stations of the Cross first and foremost.

Every Catholic church must have the Stations up somewhere where the faithful can find them. Sometimes they are just numbers and a cross. Sometimes they are elaborate depictions of each scene. (I brought my Stations work to Atrium this week for my Level III boys. You can see that I have them making their own drawings — “anything from a cross to a symbol to a detailed scene.” A little boy I think you know, Annalisa, promptly told me that “you could have Jesus standing before Pilate with his hands tied with rope, with Roman soldiers behind him and people standing all around him…” Just look at the size of each little box to appreciate the artistic imagination at work here!)

During Lent, very often the parish will have a Stations of the Cross devotion for the people on Fridays. If you can find one, see if it’s possible to make it a priority for the week to get the children there. If it’s in the afternoon, you can plan an early lunch and figure out the baby’s nap so you can make it. If it’s in the evening, you can eat an early supper, get the baby in pajamas, and head out for it. Maybe it works to meet Dad near work for this devotion. What a memory that would be for the children!

Now, if you are able, when you are at the church another time with the children and most people have left, take them around to point out these markers to them.

Help them see the numbers, the descriptions, and the images. But don’t worry about more than that. Fourteen things is a lot to assimilate all at once. Just get the idea across that they are there.

Later, maybe in the car going home, you can tell them that Jesus, from the time he was condemned until he was put in the tomb, went along a certain path in Jerusalem. People go there to that place just to follow his footsteps and to think about how it was for him — and that he did it all for us. Some day maybe we will go there, but for now, we can go in our imagination…

At the Stations of the Cross service, I hope it will be led by the priest and that people will actually follow him around the church to stop at each station.

Now, here’s the important part. You need to go there so that you can pray the Stations as your devotion. Not to “teach” the kids. They are coming along because they go places with you.

Will they be squirmy? Probably.

Will they slide under the pew and hit their heads on the rack that holds the missalettes and hymnals? Yes.

Will they have no clue as to what’s going on? Pretty much.

That’s okay. Little by little it will dawn on them. It may take years (and will certainly take years in the case of the one-year-old, of course).

The important thing is that they experience it as something outside of themselves, something about Jesus, something that inspires wonder precisely because it’s mysterious and desperately sad and also beautiful. They will sense a closeness to Jesus, if only through your own closeness.

That is living your Lent with them.

Don’t require affirmation from them. Don’t look for signs that they are getting it or experiencing wonder. Just live it.

Now, of course its best to pray the Stations this way — in church and with others, led by a priest. But it may be that circumstances don’t allow it. In that case, and also in addition to the weekly communal prayer, you can certainly pray them at home.

Now is a wonderful time to make a small prayer table or clear off the mantel for a crucifix and candles. (My book is about how to do this — I hope it is ready soon!)

What will be best is if Dad can lead the Stations with the family, using a simple text that everyone can understand (but one that doesn’t talk down to anyone), but don’t worry if you end up doing it during the day, without him, most of the time. You could have fourteen candles lit, and then extinguish them as you go along the Stations. Making a candelabra can be a family activity — you can use a log with holes drilled in it, or figure out how to make one from plaster (these directions are simple, although you want fourteen, not twelve, holes for candles — she was writing in another era). Another way would be to make a flip-chart using laminated pictures or to have the pictures set out on the table. (The children can handle them and look at them before or after the prayers, otherwise I foresee bickering.)

Pray “We adore thee, O Christ, and we praise thee: [kneel] for by thy holy cross thou hast redeemed the world [stand].” Say the station and pause, giving time for the imagination to work. If you like, you can add a short something about it. Then some people pray an Our Father, a Hail Mary, and a Glory Be. You can also say “Holy God, Holy Mighty One, Holy Immortal One, Have mercy upon us.”

Children will love learning the simple chant “By the Cross Her Station Keeping.” Hopefully it will be sung at church for the Stations, and you can sing it at home for sure. You can hear the tune here on the cyber hymnal, but be sure to realize that it must be sung without forcing the tempo. I can’t find a good example of actual singing for you at the moment.

Not for the Stations devotion per se, but just to contemplate the Way of the Cross musically, you can also listen to this lovely medieval setting — just listen and enjoy, not worrying about whether they are paying attention. And as far as I’m concerned, Pergolesi’s Stabat Mater is one of the most beautiful compositions ever created. It about broke Bridget’s heart when she was about four years old. (We had no idea why she was melting down until we realized what was playing at the time. Of course she didn’t know anything of what it was about, just proving the power of music. But we did have to stop the CD at that point, due to grief.)

You could have one of these selections playing while they make their own flip chart of sorts with the work I mentioned before, printing out the pages on sturdy card stock. This would take place another time, quite separate from the devotions. Maybe for religion class you can give them a plain cover sheet to decorate and put the words “Stations of the Cross.” Then have them put in their own symbols or drawings in the blank spaces of the other pages. The work can take weeks — no need to rush it. Punch holes at the top, tie with ribbon or string, and they will have their own prayer book which they can bring with them to the service.

Visit my Pinterest board for a few other ideas — but use them sparingly, only to reinforce their actual experience with the devotion — not to overpower it.

And that would be my suggestion for how to approach Stations of the Cross with children.

Thanks, Auntie Leila! We now attend a church that has the Stations of the Cross during Lent, so this is perfect guidance for us w/ our 7 & almost 5 yo.

By the way, the younger, our girl, loves “pretty” i.e. classical, music but occasionally breaks down in tears because it’s too sad. As usual, it comforts to hear that we are not unique, and we’ll listen to this while she’s out of the room.

Thank you once again for sharing your wisdom gained through experience. One of my worst “mommy moments” was at Stations of the Cross with my four children. They behaved exactly as you said but I did not handle it well and we all left in tears. Let’s just say it was a definite learning experience.

Just a few years ago we prayed the Stations at home with four somewhat older kids.. this is what I wrote on my blog after the experience.

What I pictured was 14 candles with pictures of each station on the mantle and my family prayerfully saying the Stations of the Cross blowing out one candle after each station. Reality was 14 mismatched candles, trying to get them all lit without burning my fingers (Colleen saved the day), arguing over who was going to blow out which candles, John proving he could lay on the couch and still kneel at the apporopriate time and some giggling as we tried to figure it out. I am learning it is not picture perfect that God wants but our effort because when it was alll said and done it felt right.

Tonight we are off to the Stations of the Cross led by the youth group with our 2 teen age sons.

Thank you, this is wonderful as usual! No matter how inundated I become with ideas for doing all the things with each new season you are always here with a gentle reminder to live my own faith first–and I always seem to need the reminder!

Now for my question: I’m about to expose my lack of Catholic knowledge here–I’ll just blame my convert status–but we go to a small military chapel with a contract priest who doesn’t work Fridays and won’t be leading any Stations of the Cross services. The chapel is within walking distance and it’s always open–would it be appropriate to take my kids and just do it by ourselves or is it meant to be done in a group with a priest? I feel like it would have more impact (especially for me) to be in a sacred space rather than in the living room.

Cristina, yes! Of course. You can always pray the Stations of the Cross in the church on your own as you say. You can even get others to join you. The only thing to keep in mind is if there is adoration going on, it’s usually expected that you respect the quiet of that. But otherwise, yes! Doing this with your children will be wonderful!
If a group does start to go, try try to get a father of one of the families to lead you.

What lovely good sense here! My daughter is 2.5 and I need to realize that living my faith is the best way to go to introduce her to the faith. Weirdly, the Stations are my favorite thing. I think it’s because when I was growing up we always went to this amazing chapel that had life sized carved wooden stations. Lots of incense and old Polish and Italian people. What a lovely tradition- we Catholics are so lucky. Every time I go back home I visit that chapel. Anyone heading to Pittsburgh should check it out- as an interesting aside it has the largest collection of relics outside of the Vatican! http://www.saintanthonyschapel.org/

Also, in general as a parent I need to remember that kids, “are coming along because they go places with you.” Is it annoying to ask you to expound on that a bit? I am realizing that my tendency is to make things all about my daughter, to the point where I really can’t get much done. I have somewhat fallen into the modern parenting trap of “I am at home with my child so I have to take advantage of interacting with her at every moment” and then I get overwhelmed when I realize that practical things still need to get done. I’m getting better at this (thanks to learning from you how to get dinner and laundry done) but I suppose I just don’t know what is reasonable to expect from a two year old. With new baby about to make an appearance I need to get this in check!

I love this Leila. I began taking mine to stations when my oldest was 3, being a convert I didn’t even know this was a practice until then. I have continued with this devotion and now he is 21 and my youngest is 6. Funny story, the first time we went my oldest being very sensitive and impressionable took the whole thing in and afterwards we went to Barnes & Noble to let me look at books while he played with toys. We did discuss Stations on the way to the bookstore and I probably over stuffed his little head with too much info (his being my oldest and my being a new convert). He found a board book he just HAD to have, when I checked the price I told him no. The next thing I knew the lady next to me was staring past me at the floor, there was Noah laying with his arms outstretched and his feet crossed, head to the side. Embarrassed, I exclaimed ‘What Are You Doing, get up!” and he replies “I’m suffering on the cross because you won’t buy me that book”. *smacking my head* – it took many more stations, and a lot less talk from me to undo the misunderstanding of what suffering on the cross meant. Repetition and consistency, living the faith, and keeping a sense of humor helped a lot.

Thank you so much for this post and the encouragement to do things for us, not just to teach the kids. I read this and coordinated with my husband to get to our parish soup dinner and stations. I said we would play it by ear since they didn’t start until 7 and our kids are all 7 and under. They were the only kids there, but did reasonably well. My 6 year old tornado of a son only banged the kneeler once and the baby only chatted a little. My 7 year old son seemed to be paying attention, so I expect we may have a little talk later if he has questions. Even my husband, who grew up Catholic but never did anything “extra”, told me how nice it was on the way home.

Your wisdom and advice is always much appreciated, Auntie Leila!
May I offer a resource that you readers might enjoy for more along the lines of living the liturgical year with their children? I hope you wouldn’t consider it “too much”…. It has been a good reinforcing thing for my crew. A group called Holy Heroes produces a series called “Lenten Adventure” (and another for Advent) of short and fun teaching videos. The videos feature their own beautiful children and come to your email inbox once you register. They are simple and fun, but my children look forward to watching them. Seeing other Catholic children praying the Stations of the Cross, for example, and learning more about them together, reinforces our own devotions.

I have a niece who used to cry whenever she herd the second verse of “O Holy Night.” Only the second verse, mind you, the one about slavery freedom. We all laughed, but it illustrates the amazing capacity of children to feel.

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