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The Masonic Wife

This week, I wanted to discuss something that both comes up fairly often on this blog, and is relevant in my own life right now: Masonry, marriage, and divorce. Most often, when folks search out information about this topic, they come across one of two websites; the Phoenix Masonry Masonic ritual, and the ever popular “Masonry- A Marriage Wrecking Ball” website. Unfortunately, neither of these websites are affiliated with regular masculine Masonry, and so everything on them must be taken with a grain of salt. Many of the questions couples have about the topic are scattered across the internet, I would like to bring them all together.Who is a Masonic wife? How is it different from a Mason’s Lady?
As I have said before, Freemasonry was created officially in 1717, with the formation of UGLE. Although the world has changed since then, Masonry has not always changed with it. Most women during it’s inception were married before they were 21, obviously this is no longer the case. However, within Masonry, most invitations and benefits continue to be extended to a Mason’s wife, not his long time live in girlfriend. For instance, unless you are legally married, a woman who has no other Masonic relationships cannot join the Order of the Eastern Star. If you think that’s kind of dated, welcome to Masonry.
A Masonic wife, and a Mason’s Lady are often used interchangeably. However, I do not feel that this is truly the case. A Masonic wife is simply the wife of a Mason. That’s it. Being married to a Mason does not obligate her to anything, Lodge dinners, appendant bodies, in fact, she may not even like the fact that he is a Mason (more on that later). A Mason’s Lady, however, I feel is quite different. A Mason’s Lady can be any woman who supports a Mason, and Freemasonry. This can be his wife, his girlfriend, his mom, grandmother, neighbor, etc. A Mason’s Lady may chose to show her support by joining appendant bodies, attending Lodge dinners and other events, or any other way she can think of. You can be a Mason’s Lady without being a Masonic wife, and vice versa.

What are the benefits of being a Masonic wife?

Becoming a Mason’s wife opens you up to a world of possibilities. Being married to a Master Mason grants you the ability to join any of the Masonic bodies that allow women: Order of the Eastern Star, Daughters of the Nile, Order of the Amaranth, and more. Usually this is the only requirement for the groups that allow women. For example, your husband does not need to be a Shiner in order for you to join Daughters of the Nile, although you may get more out of it. You can learn more about these organizations here.

if you choose to support your Mason by being active in Lodge activities, you will never find a lack of something to do. We live in a moderately sized Midwestern city, and there is a Masonic function going on almost every night of the week. There also many travel opportunities, especially within the Shrine. I know that our potentate is organizing an Alaskan cruise this year, and the Grand Master is hosting a Florida getaway.

One of my favorite parts of my SO being a Mason, is that I have an excuse to get all dressed up and mingle, fairly often. If you and your Mason plan on being fairly active socially, I would recommend investing in some nice dress clothes. One or two suits and a tux should be just fine for him. I know we ladies do not get off that easily; but, if you enjoy shopping, think of it as a bonus. If you enjoy being social and meeting new people. Masonic functions are perfect for just that. If you are more introverted (like myself), Masonic functions can serve as a test ground for the “real world”. I’ve become more relaxed with meeting new people and improving new social skills since being more involved with Masonry.

What are the disadvantages to being a Masonic wife?

I will be the first to admit, it is not all sunshine and rainbows all the time. T is Master of his Lodge this year, and this is added stress for both of us, making sure there is a candidate, food, organizing meetings, it can be a lot of work. In addition to this, sometimes the jealousy monster rears its ugly head. It can be hard to give up your SO for 2+ (at our house, more like 6 with bar time) hours to people you may not know on a weeknight. I’ve found that the best cure is for Lodge night to become the nights that I pamper myself. As I’ve said before, I usually treat myself to a nicer dinner and watch a horror movie (which T hates). I do my best to make it my “me” time.

If you choose to get involved with Masonry, you may have to limit yourself and your Mason how involved you really are. Remember when I said there are activities every night? That can have it’s downsides. We usually go to 3 activities a week (DeMolay, Lodge + one other), and even that feels like it can be a lot. As a Masonic wife you need to be able to say no, even if that game feed put on by the Dave Crockett Club does sound super awesome.

What about this marriage ritual? Are there Masonic wedding rings?

You may have seen pictures of a Masonic wedding floating around on the internet. Actually, you can find the entire ritual here. While it is a very interesting read, this wedding (if I recall correctly) was preformed in Puerto Rico. This ritual is only sanctioned by the Grand Lodge of Turkey, so unless you have a Turkish Lodge in your area, you are probably out of luck if you wanted to use this ritual for your wedding. From what I have found, no other couple have been married in this fashion.

One question that many Masons ask is if there is such thing as a Masonic wedding ring. There isn’t really. You may, however, use any Masonic ring that you hold the degree for as a wedding ring. This practice is not common, and is really not recommended. The reasoning is that if you were to become divorced, you may still associate Masonry with those feelings toward your ex, which may lead you to be less active or leave the craft.

To be a bit PG-13 for a moment, if I may, there are a number of websites out there that discuss becoming a Mason’s
“red star” and are all about becoming submissive to your Mason. This is all based in fantasy of course, and have no relation to actual Freemasonry.

How does divorce factor into all of this?

One of the things that the sensationalists want you to believe is that Masonry will ruin your marriage and steal your man. And probably your goats. Or something like that. It simply isn’t true. I have found that some women really struggle with their SO being a Mason. The best advice I can give to people in this situation is communicate with your partner, and get involved. You may feel that he is spending too much time at Masonic events and you would like him to be home more. Tell him that, or he won’t know. Often, the biggest fear is the fear of the unknown, if you get involved with Masonry, you may find that it squelches that fear.

If, for some reason, you and your Mason become divorced, this has no bearing on your memberships in organizations that you are currently a part of. However, you do lose your eligibility to join a new organization unless you have a different Masonic tie (father, uncle, etc). You may find strength within the organizations if this happens. This is one of the benefits of hanging out with women much older than yourself – many of them have been there.

Lynette,
My fiancé is a Mason and I was always supportive of his involvement and included during his journey as well. We have an extremely close communicative relationship and mutually support one another. I really appreciated this article as it seems there is a lot of negative backlash regarding Marriage in Freemasonry. I truly believe that every relationship and/or marriage is different and has it’s ups and downs, however, there are really GOOD, honorable, and faithful men who are Masons. Unfortunately, there are some that may defame the character of others. However, that’s in many walks of life- Not just Freemasonry.

My husband got involved with this behind my back without even talking tonme about it. I do not want him to have any part of it what so ever and told him that i will do what i have to do to stop him from going. He needs to give up this nonsense and step up to do his duties as a husband which is to help me with the house and spend time with me to improve our relationship.

After I figured out what he was doing and he confirmed it, he refuses to tell me anything at all about it. From information i have found on my own, its a bad place and i don’t want him involved with it.

I’m not sure where you got your information that it’s a bad place to be, I can assure you, it is not. However, it sounds like you guys are having issues that go far beyond the boundaries of Freemasonry, and I urge you again to seek marital counseling.

As I have said on here before, their only secrets are handshakes and words of recognition. You seem to have been misinformed. I would suggest you read this article: https://themasonslady.com/2014/09/23/what-actually-happens-at-lodge/ as well as the rest of the Freemasonry 101 section. I again, urge you and your husband to seek martial counseling

Obviously nothing good. If you must keep thinhs in secret away from anyone else, you’re up to know good. I don’t know specifically what goes on, but I have heard of death threats among other things. Imagine it by his way, if your child is running off to secret places and doing secret things, does that generally not mean they’re up to no good and more than likely getting into trouble? Same applies here.

Right, so you don’t have any idea what goes on at a meeting, and don’t have any evidence to back yourself up other than that you don’t like that they keep secrets. As for my children keeping secrets, I will be honored if my children choose to join a Masonic youth organization. I suggest that you actually do some research on what Masonry is about. If you’d rather use an outside source, I highly recommend Freemasonry for Dummies. I also highly recommend, yet again, that you seek marriage counseling for you and your husband. I hope that you can get this all sorted out, and that you have a good day.

I see it as a cult, it’s not a good organization. As far as me and my husband go there will be no counseling. This is the only problem we have and i refuse to stay by while he is brainwashed and placed in harm’s way.

I am sorry but Jessica you have no idea. Brainwashed, lol. wow. There is no brainwashing. they get together and strengthen their tie to the community and their characters. We are active for charities, and in the communities. There are no death threats and the only thing that is secret is the handshake. the Shriners ride little cars in parades for goodness sake. Vile, lol. Wow i do not know who has told you about masons but they are way off!. Each member must have the belief in a higher being and honour his family and his community! There is no harm’s way at all. I am sorry and no disrespect but you seem like the one who is brainwashed…. They go to a meeting once a month. There is no cult. they do not give up their money, nor anything else but a litttle time. It is a men’s club that is it…. My husband feels nothing but peace and happiness after his meetings. he is a hard working member of our community. To go up through the organization the men become knights, that is not a cult. hope you change your mind.

I really am sorry for all of those who seem so abominably misinformed about the doings and intentions of the Fraternity. I am also sorry for the men whose wives/ladies do not support their decision to go through a journey that can only make a good man better. I ran into the websites you spoke of while looking for gift ideas. Wow.
My husband has been a Mason since shortly after we married. I was actually the one that talked him into it, having had the good fortune of being an avid reader who came across some writings that were far from some of the ludicrous stuff the internet has had to offer over the past half hour. If anything, Masonry has made him a better husband and father and given him an added sense of purpose.
When our church lost their building due to an inability to pay the mortgage, R. brought the issue to his Brothers and they voted to allow our church to use the Masonic Lodge every Sunday. We are all invited to the picnics and other events, while the Brothers are always invited (and attend) our church suppers. The current W.M. asked our pastor to pray for his term in office this past week, and he attends most Sundays.
In other words ladies, your husbands are not out on Lodge night “painting the town”, denouncing the Lord, or carrying on with any other scandalous activities. This is something you should support, as well as feel free to join him in during occasions that the Brothers are encouraged to attend with their wives and family. If you have questions, watch what kind of sources you are using, just like any other legitimate scholarly research. Like many other things on the internet, most of the stuff out there is false information by the paranoid or uninformed. If you really want to know what goes on, i’d say the best place to start is asking your husband!
Thank you, ma’am, for the breath of fresh air.

My husband had become a Master Mason in October. I was very angry on how this all came about. First he was approached about joining at work, which I didn’t think was aloud, and it was really just one of those conversation that consisted of hey so and so asked me to join the masons and then forgotten. Well a week later he came home with this paper to fill out and send in $300, well of course then it was definitely a more lengthy conversation but was decided not something we were interested in. So then we go to the local lodges potato pancake sale during lent, well same person approached my husband again and had him fill out the paper there! Well long story short he became a Mason against my wishes (my opinion is that he didn’t want to seem like he couldn’t afford it and being the boss he wasn’t going to have that). First it was one Thursday a month, then it was every Tuesday and the once a month Thursday. well now we are at getting phone calls during dinner every other night of the week reminding about the goings on at the lodge. Constantly being asked to go here and there, now we have gone to Saturday afternoons. I don’t know what goes on there and I don’t wish to make false accusations either, but I am starting to wonder what the draw is because it has changed him and this Club seems to be so much more important than anything else. I love my husband dearly and try to support whatever he wants to do, but I did not sign up to play second fiddle to his boys club. Before I get the talk to him, express your feelings and fears talk, been there done that. He just becomes angry with me and somehow I become the enemy so to speak. Not sure what I am looking for, maybe just to vent but it’s not always the wife or problems in the marriage.

It sounds like there may be bigger issues at stake here. If your husband gets angry when you try to express your concerns, perhaps its time to do that in a place where it can be mediated, like therapy. Also, please know that both of your can be involved as you wish, or not. I would strongly suggest that you attend meetings/get togethers if at all possible, so that you may be able to decide what the draw is.

Well I thank you for your time. Like every thing I have heard, you have just confirmed. It’s always a bigger issue, need therapy, get involved, marriage was already in trouble. I’m sorry but I don’t keep secrets about my yoga class nor do I ask him to get involved and I have no problem not going if we have something else to do. You are correct there is definitely a bigger issue here; however I don’t think that people involved with this organization are willing to admit that the commitment they impose can cause issues. Yes, I understand fully that he has a choice in whether or not he attends whatever function at hand, but I also know that putting someone on the spot or expressing the need for him to be there is very unfair. I know he probably feels torn between home and the lodge; however it is also unfair for them not to take some responsibility for this as well. Like I said I am in no way making accusations as to wrong doings by this organizations, but I do feel the imposition is very wrong.

I certainly understand how you must feel, I’ve been roped into many Masonic events that way. That being said, Masonry teaches that Masonry should not be first among your obligations. It sounds like your husband may need to re-evaluate his priorities.

Nikki, if you need someone to talk to and vent without all this judgment by the biased group, you’re welcome to email me. My husband stopped going to this mason involved junk and we are better than ever.

As a Mason, I have no reason to jump in here and comment. But my wife reads the blog and I thought it interesting enough to reply.

So here is the kicker: myself and almost all my brethren, have zero secrets.

I also have no intention of keeping any either. The Masonic obligation states that it is only the passwords, pass grips, and modes of recognition that is “secret”. The rest can, and I would advocate, be shared with our spouses. Especially if they are curious!

My wife regularly helps me with rehearsal – so she knows more than pretty much all of the younger brethren. As young brethren, most is worried about breaking their promise to keep these small things secret. But wives knowing what it is all about, is in fact quite common practice. As long as the Mason himself keeps his promise, then so be it, his honour as a Mason and a man stays in tact.

All the rituals are opened and freely available online. I often just open the ritual from online, directly on my phone when we require a reference. So the secrecy part of the plot is a non-issue. Some lodges even encouraged the ladies to go with and attend the after board. Many of the ladies are friends unto themselves and make the time at the lodge a bit of an outing. They always get treated like royalty by the men, and this is the way it should be.

Family comes first and then work! Freemasonry always comes last!

However, we do have some brethren who find refuge at Lodge. It is bad when a man would rather be anywhere else, than at home. I am sorry, but there is clearly something wrong at home, and the other brethren know this too. Thus I agree fully with the sentiment that some couples would be unhappy, with Freemasonry in the mix or not.

I supported my husband’s long-held desire to become a Mason – feeling that it was a reasonably harmless activity which would give him enormous satisfaction.
Unfortunately the experience has become his obsession. Since he has joined “the brotherhood”, we have become two people living parallel lives in the same house.
I wish he had never become involved! He is too weak to cope with the demands of such an over-powerful influence.

Sounds like you should remind your husband that when he became a Mason he was his greatest duty was to his god, his country, and to his family. If you feel Masonry is being a detriment to your family, you need to be sure to communicate this to him.

Just a thought I’m not part of any masonry group just have a keen interest
The bad vile things people assume comes from rap songs the fake facts about new world order and Illuminati, yet Jessica Denys a problem in her marriage so blames the free masons in my eyes it’s a good thing she should embrace, he is purely educating himself and at least he’s not having a affair, secrets will be kept his meetings are his business if she was that interested she could join a female lodge and have her own secret meetings. I still say that media has given people the wrong impression and I for one am willing to learn the truth and embrace the masons as my partner has shown interest

As the wife of a 32 degree Mason, I will say my opinion of the Masons has changed through experience with my husband and the small amount of exposure to the actual Masons philosophy. This is a fraternal organization, a boys club, which generally prohibits women members. (a few countries allow or encourage women members). The members are very secretive about their meetings. If it is secret it is not positive, I believe. This group is supposedly a group for spiritual growth but does not encourage any efforts regarding marriage. Men who gather in secret to congratulate each other on their importance and goodness, while abusing their wives in many ways (lying, cheating, financially, physically and emotionally) are not on any sort of path to enlightenment. Recently I saw some Masonic “prayers” on many topics but none for the responsibilities of a husband in marriage, nothing about caring or protecting, nothing about loving-kindness, nothing about honesty, These prayers are all about sucess in the secular world. I also believe that cultures and organizations that encourage marital infidelity are dysfunctional. The original premise behind the Masons may have been useful, and now it has been subverted. No respect here.

As a Mason, I have no reason to jump in here. But my wife reads the blog and I thought it interesting.

So here is the kicker: myself and almost all my brethren, have zero secrets. I also have no intention of keeping any either. The Masonic obligation states that it is only the passwords, pass grips, and modes of recognition that is “secret”. The rest can, and I would advocate, be shared with our spouses. Especially if they are curious!

All the rituals are opened and freely available online. I often just open the ritual from online on my phone when we require a reference. So the secrecy is a non-issue. Some lodges encouraged the ladies to go with, as many are friends unto themselves.

Family comes first and then work! Freemasonry always comes last!

However, we do have some brethren who find refuge at Lodge. It is bad when a man rather be anywhere else than at home. I am sorry, but there is clearly something wrong at home, and the other brethren know this too.

As the soon to be ex-wife of a mason can anyone educate me on the rules of dating other masons? I went out on a date with an awesome guy. He pointed out a masonic license plate and the conversation started. I am former eastern star. As soon as he found out about my ex, he said he wasn’t allowed to date me…..

I truly enjoyed reading all this information. I truly believe in being yourself at all times, so that’s why I read this. I’m interested in a Masonry man, but wanted to know more about this, since I have heard so many things about it, good but mostly bad. Thanks

That is really something you need to answer for yourself. The two things I can tell you off hand, is that their aim is “to make good men better”, and that 90% of what you hear about them is incorrect. I do highly recommend that you do some research and come to your own conclusion. There are a lot of websites and information out there. These are the “Freemasonry 101” articles that have been published here: https://themasonslady.com/category/freemasonry-101/

I am interested in a friend who is a Master Mason and we are just now getting back in contact after 30 something years. We are each others first og everything if you know what I mean. We haven’t met as of yet in person and that is something we are both looking forward to. Timing is everything because we are miles away from each other. Everything you have wrote captures me because he is so strong about his place as a Master Mason. And if he chooses me to be by his side I am so afraid because i dont want us hurting each other over child hood past feelings. I do feel love for him because we had been looking for each other over the years but never could until facebook. Lol. But anyways, if he wants me to be his Mason wife, would I be making a wouderful choice by marrying him. Without the doubt of hearing about the cheating. I truly hope that is not true.

I tried to be involved but now my husband goes out to meetings up to four nights a week and it is, without doubt, ruining our marriage. I have talked to him about this but basically, it’s quite apparent that after being happily married for over twenty years, the masons are his priority and nothing is going to change that, not even if I beg him to spend more time with me. He never asks if I mind if he goes out to a meeting, often I don’t even know he’s going. We had a great marriage and were best friends. Now I’m just lonely and resent the amount of time he spends being a Mason.

Jan
I know exactly how you feel. Being married to a Mason adds more stress on our marriage, at least from my perspective. My husband is uber involved in all facets of it. He is a Mason, Shriner, York Rite and whatever else there is that I forgot to mention. I have communicated with him time and time again how I feel and he keeps re-assuring me that I am his priority over his fraternity. Sadly, those words are not supported by his actions. Don’t get me wrong, I believe they do a lot of good for the community and especially for the children which I 100% support. In my case, the issue is really just about quality time and how he chooses where to spend it—with his wife or the fraternity. The latter always comes up on top😔

I have recently started dating a master mason, and I am really interested in learning more. I am intrigued by some of the stories I hear. Thank you so much for this blog, I feel I will really enjoy my journey with my new man and his choices

Good morning Mason’s Lady. My name is Peg, and I would like to thank you for the most interesting article.
I live in upstate New York, am a widow , and my late husband was not in good standing with he passed away in 2009.
Last year, I met a wonderful gentleman, and we are now engaged.
This is where it gets interesting. I have been a member of Eastern Star since 1986 when my husband joined Masons. Over the years, he became disenchanted with the leadership of his lodge and left after a heated meeting. He supported my continuing in OES.
Flash forward to 2010.I received an invitation to join Daughters of the Nile as well as Order of the Amaranth. Because my late husband was not in good standing with the Masons, I could not use him as a reference. I used my grandfather, who had been Grand Master of the state of New Hampshire in the 1930s. As I wrote, I met the love of my life and we are now engaged. Ric joined Masons last November, is now not only a Master Mason, but a 32° Mason, a member of Scottish Rite, a Shriner (red Fez), member of Grotto (black Fez), a Hillbilly , and a newly initiated member of Eastern Star. This fall, we will be installed as Matron and Patron of our Star chapter.
Here is the question. Ric is a Hillbilly in Shrine, but I cannot be a lady hillbilly as we are not married. Because, I used my grandfather as a recommendation, would the rule change?
Thank you.

Peg,
I am not overly familiar with the hillbillies, so you may want to check with them for clarification. However, if in order to be a lady hillbilly, you must be married to a hillbilly, this would not change regardless of who you used as your Masonic relation when joining Nile and Amaranth.

Thank you. It appears that at this time, being a lady hillbilly is not in the cards. However, I will become LH next year, after we are married.
Continue with the interesting articles on the Masonic organizations. I love the work we do as an Eastern Star member, a Daughter of the Nile, and a member of the Order of the Amaranth, as well as a Shriner’s Lady.

My late husband was a mason of 40+ years i have his ring can i wear it ?i was and still am proud to be a mason’s wife .we have 2 grandsons following in his footsteps. My grandfather was a mason all his life and he was born in 1886 died at 96 thank you

Deborah-
Certainly no one will stop you from wearing a ring. At the end of the day, it is just a ring. While the ring signifes a Master Mason, there are no Masonic police to put you away from wearing one.

My wife became an Eastern Star about 3 and a half years ago very much against my wishes I kinda think she was pressured to do so. Since then she has changed quite a bit. I recently discovered she was having an affair with a married GRandMaster in which his wife found out about 3 years ago (obviously I’m late). Are there any ramifications for this kind of behavior. I thought Freemasonry closely followed the Bible but obviously they pretend to and still contradict the words of it. Pleas let me know of the ramifications for this type of offensive behavior.