Jessica

On Wednesday we made the very grave mistake of noting that shaken-down billionaire Ron Burkle shared a few things in common with Jeffrey Epstein, the billionaire financier who allegedly enjoyed the pleasures of massage oils, sex toys and underage girls. We never said that these sexy pursuits were shared by Burkle; we were just yapping about how, like Epstein, Burkle is a heterosexual male with a jet and flies around with President Clinton.

Burkle did not appreciate being so much as mentioned in the same paragraph as Epstein, and thus we received an ominous letter from counsel Lynda Goldman, who warned of the "peril" in not making a retraction and sincere apology. So we apologized for noting that Burkle and Epstein had things in common, but Goldman was not appeased. She wants a sarcasm-free apology. We sincerely have no idea what that even means.