If looks could kill, you wouldn’t have anything to worry about. However there are many other catastrophic things that could happen to you this week if you aren’t prepared with the wisdom of Hottywood Helps.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.

Take heed. Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

There’s only one thing that separates you from that jerk no one can stand – your name!

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but when it comes to your breath, the only person you’re fooling is yourself.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The wind beneath your wings is nothing but gas.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You don’t have to wonder if everyone is talking about you behind your back. They are.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

It’s time for you to see yourself as the asshole everyone else sees you as.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

No one can stomach the lies you’re pulling out of your ass.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

This week, people will wonder how is it that you have such a big head and nothing ever on your mind.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

There are many reasons to tie someone’s shoe strings together before throwing them into traffic.