The Bridge

On a Sunday afternoon in 2012, Donna Thistlethwaite told her partner she was going out to buy groceries. Instead she drove to Brisbane's Story Bridge and tried to end her life in the wintery waters of the Brisbane River.

Donna was a popular, positive-thinking, successful career woman with a loving partner and a young son. She had no history of the mental illnesses that are commonly associated with risk of suicide.

Her world unravelled in about 10 days.

Donna was lucky enough to get a second chance at life, thanks to a confluence of 'miracles' that helped her survive.

Australian Story tells a cautionary tale which shows that, with the right set of circumstances and the wrong kind of thinking, suicidal thoughts can happen to just about anyone and how seeking help can save a life.

By sharing her story, Donna hopes that anyone feeling suicidal will see that life can be 'great' again and reach out for help.

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In an attempt to end her life, Donna Thistlethwaite fell from Brisbane's iconic Story Bridge. Fate intervened and she miraculously survived. Her experience is a cautionary, but life-affirming tale that after the dark days, life can be good.

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Transcript

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PODCAST AUDIO: Today's story is about something we really never talk about and yet it touches so many of us. Now a warning here, if you are feeling mentally unwell feel free to skip this episode. This courageous woman you’re about to hear is Donna. She told this story to a live audience at the Noosa long weekend festival.

DONNA THISTLETHWAITE: I’m hoping by sharing this story that it might help somebody, someday, somewhere. I suspect it will probably help me as well.

MELANIE TAIT, STORY-TELLING EVENT CURATORThe night she told the story, the audience were just mesmerised, people knew that they were being told a story that was incredibly personal and incredibly, um, incredibly raw.

DONNA THISTLETHWAITE:I could see all of my shortcomings and I felt that that was all anybody else could see...I didn't tell many people for a very, very long time. I didn't want people to feel that they should have known and they should have helped me.I had been going through an identity crisis at the time ...

MELANIE TAIT, STORY-TELLING EVENT CURATOR: Everything about her was so seemingly put together. And I think it was a really big deal for her. I think that was, it was kind of like a coming out, if you will,

DONNA THISTLETHWAITE: On Sunday the 12th of August, 2012, I made a decision, a rather unexpected decision, to jump off Brisbane’s iconic Story Bridge…

GEORGE BLAIR-WEST, PSYCHIATRIST: Donna's story of a very serious impulsive act with little warning the lack of reaching out for help, it was really quite perplexing. When you think about what conditions have got a high risk for attempting suicide, you think of schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, recurrent depression, Donna didn't fit those categories. She was well up until around about 10 days before the attempt.

DONNA THISTLETHWAITE: When I look back, it seems like another person now. I had a great life ah, awesome partner Greg and, you know, he's always been my rock. A beautiful child Matthew and a great job in a really good organisation and it was really just this not coping at work.

MYEE KUSS, SISTER: Donna was always really career minded and successful at it, bettering herself all the time.

DONNA THISTLETHWAITE: I absolutely found my purpose in HR and helping people. I worked for a large utility, 4,000 staff. And it was a great fit for me.

BRIGIT STEINDL, FMR COLLEAGUE & FRIEND: Donna was very capable, she knew what she was doing. I don’t think you would come across anybody who didn’t you know really respect Donna.

DONNA THISTLETHWAITE: When I went back to work after maternity leave, I felt really ready. I was offered the opportunity to lead a team. I thought with my background and you know skills that I had that I would be able to meet the challenge. We were introducing an IT system. At first everything was going really well and then I had a little bit of self-doubt and I really felt like I wasn’t getting it. I started to feel like I was stupid, that people would know that I had no idea what I was doing. And that was really hard for me because I’d never really felt that way before.

BRIGIT STEINDL, FMR COLLEAGUE & FRIEND: She was doing a perfectly fine job but she couldn’t see that she was very self-critical.

DONNA THISTLETHWAITE: That week leading up to the bridge incident, my partner Greg was away and things started to escalate pretty quickly for me. I actually started to feel that I might get the sack. It was like me losing my job, um, was going to have massive ramifications for my everybody.

BRIGIT STEINDL, FMR COLLEAGUE & FRIEND: I just said ‘that’s ridiculous’. There was no way Donna would be fired. I didn’t realise how firmly she believed it.

DONNA THISTLETHWAITE: My head at the time was so busy with so many different thoughts and I couldn’t switch it off. I wasn’t sleeping.

MYEE KUSS, SISTER: Donna was a bit like frazzled. Other than that, she seemed fine. I never thought that there was anything unusual just being a normal mum of a two- year old.

DONNA THISTLETHWAITE: Greg came home but I was really embarrassed to tell him. I went to bed that night and I was thinking my family would be better off without me, that they would both be fine if they got my superannuation money. I just thought ‘I think I just need to just end my life’. It seemed to me to be the only viable solution yeah.

GEORGE BLAIR-WEST, PSYCHIATRIST: When people are suicidal they have this cognitive narrowing such that when they try to access parts of their own mind to work out what to do, how to help themselves. They can’t access it. They really need the mind of somebody else at those times.

GEORGE BLAIR-WEST, PSYCHIATRIST: You’re making the most important, literally, making the most important decision of your life and you’ve probably got the greatest level of cognitive impairment and a capacity to think through your options that you could ever have.

DONNA THISTLETHWAITE: On Sunday the 12th of August 2012, I told Greg I was going to go and do the grocery shopping and instead I drove to the Story Bridge and I walked across the bridge a couple of times. I took off my shoes and dropped my bag and then I just like climbed over the fence and then I fell and then I remember just panicking for minute and thinking I was a little bit scared.Years ago, I had this dream a big wave came and it grabbed me and I remember being frightened and then just going "Just relax, just relax" it felt a bit like that feeling, that "Oh my gosh" and then "It's okay, it's okay" and then I just remember yeah, I was so relaxed and I wasn't scared. I remember hitting the water. I still can feel that pain in my body that it was just felt like icy water and just stinging.

DR STEVE RASHFORD, QLD AMBULANCE SERVICE: Hitting the water is normally like hitting concrete. Normally people who fall approximately forty metres will actually die on impact. They suffer multiple catastrophic injuries.

STUSS READ, FORMER DECKHAND: I was a deckhand on the city cat. It was late afternoon. JB was the captain.

JOHN BARNETT, FORMER FERRY CAPTAIN: A radio message come over that someone had seen someone fall or jump from the story bridge and ah if you can keep an eye out.

DONNA THISTLETHWAITE: When I resurfaced I like looked up at the bridge and I could see people standing there and sort of gathering around and then I don’t remember anything from then.

DR STEVE RASHFORD, QLD AMBULANCE SERVICE: There are very strong currents within the river. If you end up in the middle of the river you’ve got a limited amount of time before you’ll be in real trouble. A number of our patients who survive from the bridge actually drown before they can be rescued.

STUSS READ, FORMER DECKHAND: I was looking and looking and in the distance there I thought that I could see ah it looked like a log. But I saw the log go down and then the log go up again and I thought well that’s not a log and I said to John ‘john I’ve seen I’m pretty sure I’ve just seen a body in the river and it’s going down.

JOHN BARNETT, FORMER FERRY CAPTAIN: Stuss pointed to something in the water. And I headed towards it. It was the lady’s head under water. She was face down in the water and she was going down. I grabbed her and pulled her up, she was sort of [big gasp for air].I was very concerned for her welfare um to see that she was okay because she could have had internal injuries. It didn’t look like she had any broken bones at the time. I could see she's quiet, just head down wet shaky. Not said a word, and never, ever said a word the whole time.

DR STEVE RASHFORD, QLD AMBULANCE SERVICE: I attended as the part of the major trauma response. To survive that fall you need to be very lucky with the fall itself. And then also have rescuers there immediately to pick you up. So it's ah it's a whole bunch of miracles to have worked on this occasion.

STUSS READ, FORMER DECKHAND: John got on the 2 way and said " it's all happened now, the woman's off the boat. Ah, she's been taken away. What do you want us to do?" And the voice came back over the 2 way and said well, it's such and such time, you should be at this station by now. Skip a few stops and catch up on your timetable and just continue on. That was it. You pulled someone out of the water and diddly squat was ever said about it, never mentioned, never mentioned.

MYEE KUSS, SISTER: I got a phone call from someone that said that my sister had jumped from a bridge. I was just in shock. What do you mean she jumped off a bridge? Why would she even do that?

DIANE PURCHASE, MOTHER-IN-LAW: They told us what Donna had done I thought, Matthew's not going to have a mother. It was the first thing that went through my head.

DONNA THISTLETHWAITE: I was surprised to wake up in the ER. Because you know to me, you jump off that bridge and you’re dead, that’s the only outcome I had conceived as possible. Yeah, I fractured five of my vertebrae and had a broken rib and a lacerated liver and lots and lots of bruising, so much bruising I spent six days in hospital.

STUSS READ, FORMER DECKHAND: I was actually a little shocked. Because I expected her to be dead. Well, I didn't expect her to be alive, yeah. It was a surprise that she was alive. But then we made her comfortable and ah we tried to get her warm.

DONNA THISTLETHWAITE: Amazingly I’ve had no ongoing injuries. It was very difficult that stage of our lives. Our whole life was turned upside down.

MYEE KUSS, SISTER: She thought that people would be better off without her being here. And I was like I don’t understand how you could think that, like what would be better off.

GEORGE BLAIR-WEST, PSYCHIATRIST: When they explained to me what had happened. I had difficulty reconciling that with the woman I had worked with. Donna first came to see me in June 2004. It was really about relationship issues for her at that time. This was before Greg came into Donna’s life. Over those few years that I worked with her, at no point did she become depressed. In fact, she was surprisingly emotionally stable I guess, given the story that we’re talking about. So, three weeks after the attempt she comes in to see me. She was I think mostly concerned and shaken by what she’d done. And it took us a while to unravel what had actually happened for her there.

When I look back, I knew she was an overachiever at work. Got given accolades, promotion for that, but deep down she carried this sense as she said of being a fraud.

DONNA THISTLETHWAITE: That feeling of never quite being good enough, I've had that for a long time and being successful at work probably kept that at bay a bit and so then when I became less successful at work, I think you know then it became a really big issue for me.

MYEE KUSS, SISTER: For a long time I was really scared that it would happen again. She’d say I’ve just got to duck to the shops it was like what, no why, what are you doing at the shops. It’s hard but I guess like she has promised me, she’s promised Greg that she would never do it again. We just have to let it go and have faith I guess.

DONNA THISTLETHWAITE: Yeah, I wish I didn't put them through all of that turmoil. Um, yeah, I feel bad that I put them through that experience. A nurse said to me that had I completed suicide, my son would be at 50% greater risk of a suicide in his lifetime. I had been thinking that I had been doing the right thing for Matthew. And yeah something just clicked for me then. Something just kicked in that made me think no matter how bad anything ever gets I can’t let that happen.My son Matthew, he deserves a mother, flaws and all. It doesn't matter that I'm not perfect. I'm still his mother and he needs me in his life. I've got to be here for him. I came up with some really practical strategies about how I was going to keep myself safe.I made sure that exercise was part of my, you know, regular routine. I have a meditation practice, I now have a gratitude practice and I also need to connect socially with people.

Greg and I sort of agreed not to tell too many people. There’s a lot of shame around suicide.I think I was worried I’d be judged. I had a little two-year-old. What mother abandons her two-year-old. But it felt like I had this big dirty secret that was just always looming there.

About 18 months after the bridge, I had an urge to talk about my suicide attempt and ah, it didn't seem so scary to tell it to a room full of strangers.

MELANIE TAIT, STORY-TELLING EVENT CURATOR: I did have concerns about how the story would play out. Those sorts of stories can be really triggering. And the advice came through that we could but we needed to be really sensitive about it.

DONNA THISTLETHWAITE: It felt good to me to put it out there. People would see that your life can be different from that really dark place you can find yourself in.

ALAN WOODWARD, LIFELINE: There is a remarkable power in hearing the stories of people who’ve survived a suicide attempt or a suicidal crisis in their lives. It’s a story of living and hope.

DONNA THISTLETHWAITE: I think the scariest part of this story is that 65,000 Australians attempt suicide every year.What I would say to anyone thinking about this is not to give up, it’s possible to feel different to how you feel right now. And there’s hope.

DONNA THISTLETHWAITE: Greg has sort of you know, reluctantly I wouldn’t even say agreed, but he has accepted that you know that’s what I needed or wanted to do.

DIANE PURCHASE, MOTHER-IN-LAW: I think Greg will go along with donna talking about, but as long as Greg doesn’t have to talk about it it’ll be fine. He just doesn’t want to go back.

DONNA THISTLETHWAITE: After the bridge incident, I went back to work for a short time and I decided that it wasn’t for me. I’m now a career coach and work with a full range of clients including mums thinking about going back to work. For the last four years I’ve been doing telephone crisis support work for Lifeline and that was part of my work with George.I really felt like it was a way I could use this experience to help others. It was a way I could make sense of it as well.

ALAN WOODWARD, LIFELINE: The work is very challenging, so there's no walking back from that. It is a difficult role and not one that everyone can perform but we take a lot of steps to look after their own well being and provide them with support.

DONNA THISTLETHWAITE: While I’ve had my own experience of suicide, I don’t share that with callers. There have been occasional times where I have shared that experience but it’s really if this person was at significant risk and it has made a difference the few times that I’ve done it.

STUSS READ, FORMER DECKHAND: I did think about her and I thought to myself I wonder how she’s going? I wonder if, you know, she’s tried to kill herself again. I wonder if she’s succeeded this time? I wonder if she’s you know just plopped back into where she was when she first started. But, yeah.

DONNA THISTLETHWAITE: Somebody told me that I was rescued by a ferry driver, that a ferry or a city cat had picked me up. I did start to appreciate that you know this is something big that they experienced and I haven’t necessarily thought about all the other people that it impacted.

(Conversation between Donna, Stuss and John on boat)Stuss: Come on we’ll go upstairs and see John. Hey John look who I’ve got.John: Welcome on board, how’re you going? I believe it’s Donna is it?Donna: Yes it is.John: How you going? John’s my name. Pleased to meet you.Stuss: John’s the one that brought the boat in like a little butterfly right next to you.(Ends)

STUSS READ, FORMER DECKHAND: I couldn’t believe how emotional I was getting.

JOHN BARNETT, FORMER FERRY CAPTAIN: Bit of a chapter in our story, hey Stuss?

STUSS READ, FORMER DECKHAND: Yes, I was very excited.

(Conversation between Donna, John and Stuss on the boat)Donna: Life’s in a very good place, so, thank you. John: Yeah, we’re really pleased to meet you. And we’ve been looking forward to meeting you too.Donna: Really?Stuss: Yeah, very much so. Great.(Ends)

JOHN BARNETT, FORMER FERRY CAPTAIN: She’s got over that period and she’s now enjoying life as we all should.

STUSS READ, FORMER DECKHAND: She talks about her seven- year old son and you think to yourself and you think perhaps we could be sitting here talking about this if it wasn’t for that day.

DONNA THISLETHWAITE: And it was like my whole life imploded in a very short time, really only in about seven to ten days.

STUSS READ, FORMER DECKHAND: God that’s nothing really is it.

DONNA THISTLETHWAITE: I know, I know. this the only way I can fix this and I did what I thought was the answer and clearly it wasn’t.

STUSS READ, FORMER DECKHAND: The minute that we got you out of the water and got you up on deck, there was an eruption of applause woohoo from all the passengers inside.

DONNA THISTLETHWAITE: Yeah, I was just feeling a bit emotional having met these people that I really owe my life to, really. I just felt a connection with them.

(Conversation on the boat)Donna: I’m so sorry I put you through a bit of distress. Stuss: No, you’re right, Not at all Donna.Donna: Thank you so much I’m so glad it was you guys that day.

DONNA THISTLETHWAITE: Three years after my attempt barriers went up on the bridge. And I was so pleased to see that they did. Yeah, I believe it would have made a difference because it would have been harder. And that was one of the factors that I thought of.

DR DR STEVE RASHFORD, QLD AMBULANCE SERVICE: There’s pretty much no way you can climb over those barriers and jump and what you to be a fairly frequent occurrence is now a zero occurrence, I can’t remember someone who has jumped into river from that bridge since they’ve gone up.

GEORGE BLAIR-WEST, PSYCHIATRIST: I think ah the risk of her doing anything like this again is, you can never say zero, but it’s fairly minimal I would think. It’s not a concern I have.

DONNA THISTLETHWAITE: I know my signs of when I need help. It doesn’t happen very often. But now I feel like I can manage that when it does. I’ve never had that thought again.

GEORGE BLAIR-WEST, PSYCHIATRIST: The one thing that we can guarantee everybody who becomes suicidal is that it will pass. That is inevitable. Even untreated major depression, bipolar disorder by definition it cycles, schizophrenia waxes and wanes. We can say with absolute certainty that every emotional state will pass if you keep the person alive long enough.

DONNA THISTLETHWAITE: I recently sat down and told Matt in brief about the bridge experience. He’s only 7 and just 7 so um you know he’s not necessarily going to get all of this yet but it’s something that I will keep working through with him as he understands more of it. It’s coming up to five years since it happened and I’m now in a better place than I’ve ever been in my life. I’m happy, I feel more connected with myself and all of the people around me than I ever have. I love my job and I love that I get to help people in my work. Life is great.