Archives for April 2015

I want to let you know that I know you are tired. Tired of the weight you carry, the weight that feels like it will never be lifted. The weight you carry with you daily (and no, I’m not talking about your physical weight, although I’m sure you worry about that, too). I’m talking about the weight you carry in your heart that comes from the need to feel like you’ve got this and the fear that you really don’t. I also know that you are probably tired of not feeling appreciated, and of feeling like you are being taken for granted.

I know you take care of most, if not all, of the everyday household responsibilities that need to be accomplished daily. I know sometimes you feel lost in a never ending cycle of feeding, changing diapers/clothes, bathing, playing, pretending, washing, drying, folding, cleaning, and the rest of the mindless crap from which there is no escape. Rinse and repeat. Oh, and try and take care of yourself, would you? You’re looking a little haggard.

I know you feel the pressure. Oh, the endless pressure. The pressure to be all, do it all, know it all, and have it all put together. We’re supposed to have a clean house, well-dressed children, well behaved children, and dinner on the table at 7. Oh, and be dressed and showered, and it would be nice if you could throw on some makeup once in a while.

The pressure to lose the weight, to stop getting frustrated with your kids, and to have a magical assortment of memorized recipes that are healthy and delicious. It comes from many places. Looking at Facebook and comparing ourselves, seeing moms on TV or in movies, browsing Pinterest and the hundreds of things we “should” be doing, or hearing it from our own mothers or friends. The worst part is that this pressure mostly comes from us. We do it to ourselves. We have created this image of a woman we are supposed to be who has all her stuff together, is organized, a fabulous cook, a stellar housecleaner, who is in shape, and still manages to take care of her beautiful, perfect kids, all while being a fantastic wife and a beast in the bedroom.

Newsflash: That woman doesn’t exist. She can’t exist, she would die of exhaustion. We have so many unrealistic expectations for ourselves. We manage an entire household daily, but if we forget one thing? Suddenly we feel like failures.

It needs to stop. Really. Since when is success tied to how clean your house is? And why the hell has everything turned into such a competition? Last time I checked there were no blue ribbons being handed out for Mom of The Year. Or for Mom Who Gets The Most Accomplished In A Day. You know why? Because no one cares. It doesn’t matter.

I want to tell you right now, stop thinking that you have to have it all together. Because no one has it all together. Not even when it looks like it on Facebook.

Being a mom can be oh, so thankless. You’re a mom, isn’t that your job? Isn’t this what you wanted?! And the guilt you feel from sometimes hating it is overwhelming. Not to mention shameful. How dare you complain when motherhood is supposed to be so glorious. Don’t you know how fast it goes? Don’t you know you’re supposed to cherish every moment?

Other people have a hard time understanding – surely it can’t be that bad, after all, you’re married to a pilot! If only they knew how much more chaotic that makes it. The shifting schedule, the juggling, the wanting 5 damn minutes to yourself. But it’s just you. There is no replacement, no handing off to Dad. You are a part time single mom, but you’re just gonna have to deal with that, mmmkay? No one wants to hear you complain.

Oh, you just made dinner and your toddler puked everywhere? No biggie, you’ll get it cleaned. Your baby was up all night and you have to work in the morning? See you at 8. Your toddler got hurt and you have to take him to the hospital by yourself? It’ll be fine.

But it’s not fine. And that is okay. It is okay, dammit. It is okay to feel like you’re going to lose it, it is okay to feel like you have too much on your plate, and it is okay to feel imperfect. Imperfect means you are trying. It does not mean you are failing.

It is ok if you don’t have a spotless house, or a perfect body, or perfect kids, or perfect anything! We have to stop the madness. Or we will go insane chasing this illusion of happiness that only exists with perfection.

I am telling you that perfect has a new definition, my friend. It’s called good enough.

It is good enough that you managed to get the kids fed and dressed (and off to school, if they’re old enough) and they are content. It is good enough that you showered today, or if you didn’t, that’s fine too. It is good enough if you managed to get out of bed and care about your family enough to put together anything edible, because a few frozen dinners or microwaved meals never killed anyone.

You are good enough. Just the way you are.

And I don’t care what anyone says, if your house is still standing and your kids are alive and healthy, and you managed to get through the week – then you have my respect. You are my hero. You are a goddamn gladiator.

And you are your kids’ hero, too. You think they care about a clean house? Do you think they care if you’re in sweats with your hair up?

Not one bit. I am every bit as fun without a drop of makeup on the floor playing games with my kids as I am all dressed up to go out. I am every single bit as beautiful with 5 or 10 or 20 extra pounds on my hips as I am when I’m skinny. And so are you. My kids don’t give a crap how much I weigh. The only weight they care about is the weight of my arms around them.

They just want to be loved. That’s it.

Do you love your kids? Of course you do. Do you show them? Of course you do. Then you are perfect. Because you do all the stuff you don’t want to do anyway, even when you don’t feel like it. When things are shitty, you love your kids anyway. When you are exhausted and grumpy and PMSing and hating the fact that your husband is gone and wishing you were anywhere else, you love them anyway.

Do you have any idea how amazing that is??

I know you are exhausted, and underappreciated, and sometimes you want to give up. But I am telling you, every time you don’t quit, every time you get out of bed again, every time you manage to pull off another day, you are stronger than what you are going through.

I want to thank you for not giving up. I want to tell you that I appreciate so much that you are hanging in there and not making me feel so alone. I want to tell you that you are beautiful and courageous for putting up with the daily crap that comes with being pilot’s wife and mom of kids. And you are doing a damn good job.

You need to know that what you do is important. Loving your kids is the best gift you could ever give them. Embrace the chaos, cut yourself some slack, and realize that just by trying, you are good enough.

This is probably one of the most popular topics among pilot wives – why the HELL does everyone think that we are rolling in it? What perpetuates the myth that pilots are rich, or at least in the upper ranks of earning capability? We are looked at like a rare breed of wife; the type that marries professional athletes or surgeons. And we are immediately thereafter given the up-and-down to see what designer clothes or bags we may be hiding. As we shift awkwardly in our decidedly non-designer clothes (does Target count as designer?), we attempt to explain that, well, it’s not exactly what you think.

But surely you don’t have to work, right? Why on earth would you if your husband makes so much money?? It’s time we had a sit-down chat and lovingly explain why it is not so. But first – what is it that makes people believe this in the first place? What keeps this myth going despite years and years (can I get an amen from the regional sisters?) and years of the aviation industry being in the pits? I have a few ideas…

The Media

You can’t help but notice when pilots are on shows or in movies – because it’s corny as hell. Every pilot I know cringes watching anything aviation related these days. Or laughs hysterically, usually while crying on the inside.

Even when you Google “airline pilot”, a slew of pictures come up that are ridiculous. I mean look at this guy:

First of all, he’s seriously good looking and has probably never flown a plane in his life. They probably had the head caterer of the photo shoot throw on a jacket and pretend to be a pilot. Wipe that grin off your face and get the walk around, Baker. Moving on.

Ahh, yes. Movies. The glorification of pilots in the movies is probably our biggest pet peeve. Take Top Gun, for instance. I happen to love this movie, but it did nothing for the image. Except make everyone think that the best pilots are also the best looking. I could be wrong about that, though.

And how about on TV? Let’s not forget about the most hated real-life airline pilot in history, the douche-tastic Jake Pavelka of Bachelor legend. If you don’t know who he is, consider yourself lucky. Although he would be sad for you.

I can’t really blame the media completely. After all, what’s interesting about normal family men who go to work in a uniform after kissing their families goodbye and then stay in a hotel for 4 days? Of course interesting things happen along the way, but most of the time it’s just not that dramatic. Or glamorous. Especially when they are sweaty on an airplane with a broken APU, or tired as hell from doing a red-eye the night before, or *gasp* sleeping on the airplane during a 3 1/2 hour “camp out” because the company didn’t “have” to pay for a hotel. Super glamorous. But the myth continues.

Pilots You Know Who ARE Rich

Everyone knows at least one. He’s an uncle, a father-in-law, your best friend’s dad, (and let’s not discriminate against the ladies) your college roommate’s aunt, a neighbor. The captain pulling in $250k-$300k a year who barely flies and is on a perpetual vacation. These are the “ghost captains”, the legendary top-of-the-seniority-list guys who everyone talks about but rarely meet. They own 3 houses, a rental in Aspen, and a sailboat in San Diego. They are the dream. The “one day” dream that every pilot has in the back of their mind as they trudge through the icy wind to their hotel in Podunk Nowheresville to eat a cold, sad sandwich for dinner. It’s the dream that was in the back of their mind right before they almost lost their life in the hotel van ride back to the airport the next morning, and while they try to catch leg one of their two-leg commute back home to enjoy their 1 and 3/4 days off. These captains walk among their peers, but they are far removed from the situation that the majority of their peers are facing.

So what is the situation? Here comes the good part – the part you want to show your unbelieving friends and family, or maybe some inquisitive acquaintances.

The Truth

It takes a lot of money to be a pilot. Unless you join the military (which is a whole different animal) you’re looking at spending anywhere from $50-$100k to get through training. Ok, understandable.

And then, the real kicker. First year pilots average $15k-$22k a year . Read that again. First year pilots, who have undergone serious training and rigorous testing, medical analysis, and interviewing, make less than most teachers, who we all know are also underpaid. (source)

The struggle is real. And the climb to a survivable wage is slower than a heavy 747 takeoff. Even though we all know movement is supposed to be happening due to the projected pilot shortage, those of us in the industry are seeing a slow trickle as opposed to the flow we were promised.

This is why jokes are rampant about pilots taking juice and drinks off airplanes, stealing toilet paper, and applying for food stamps. How much is joking and how much is true is anyone’s guess.

As little as a decade ago, pilots could join a regional, climb the ranks and upgrade in 1-3 years, get a crap ton of PIC and then hop onto a major. That’s how it worked. That’s how it was supposed to work. Then the economy tanked during the Great Recession, fuel prices soared, and airlines cut back big time.

Furloughs ran high into seniority lists, putting pilots on the street and planting senior captains into reserve positions they hadn’t seen in years. Now it’s not unheard of for pilots to spend 5-10 years at regionals, which was never what any pilot intended to do.

My own husband spent 9 years at his regional before finally getting hired onto a major. And he’s one of the lucky ones. Nine long, crazy ass, dirt poor years. Maybe not dirt poor, but close. He never did get furloughed, like many did, including friends of ours. When his airline did furlough and the pilot group was cut in half, half his pay went right along with it. With a brand new mortgage and brand new baby, stress was inevitable.

There were months where we didn’t know if we could pay our house payment. And I know plenty of other couples who were in the same boat. Those were the toughest years of our marriage, and there were many times we questioned if we could hold off killing each other long enough to make it. Looking back, I’m glad we stuck it out, even if it was awful. We survived.

So when you’re in the thick of it, in the trenches of despair and your bank account is emptier than a church on Super Bowl Sunday, you really don’t want to hear, “Oh, it must be so glamorous being married to a pilot!” Because really, I would like to slap you so hard right now but I would probably injure myself instead and my insurance wouldn’t cover it.

Getting back on track – once a pilot manages to escape the prison that is the regionals, he can then take another pay cut and get onto a major if he’s “lucky”. First year at a major airline averages around $35k. But from there, if you can survive that first year eating ramen and living like a vagrant, your chances at reaching that dream gets better.

After 3 years at a major, we are breathing again. We bought a great house with a pretty yard and a pool, and we don’t even have to eat ramen anymore. My husband can even pay someone to get his hair cut! It’s amazing what you come to appreciate. We are nowhere near rich, not even close, but we have enough, and that’s all you can ask for, really.

(Most) pilots aren’t rich. But if they’re lucky, they’ll have enough, which should be good enough for any pilot wife, too. If you’re going through it right now, if you’re feeling the pinch and feel like there’s no way out, take heart, because you are not alone. The aviation industry is looking up, and there’s hope. Almost every day I hear of someone’s husband (or wife) getting hired, and I get so happy for their family, because I know that’s one less thing they will have to worry about on this crazy ride. I hope that if it hasn’t already, it happens for you, too.

Until then, show this to your friends and say dinner’s on them. You deserve it.

Yeah, baby! So to celebrate all my new fans I am doing a giveaway! One lucky person is going to win a set of Pretty Planes ™ Magnets, the newest addition to the collection. These aren’t available for sale yet, but they will be soon… Stay tuned for more types coming up, I have some fun stuff in the works!

To enter, follow the directions below and collect your entries. The winner will be announced next week. Good luck!

I present to you, the official Flight Wife list of why pilot wives rule. In no particular order, here’s why we are awesome.

1. We get shit done.

When things break or go wrong (as they inevitably do) and our pilot is gone, we fix it or get it fixed. We are the ones who call the shots and we are the ones who get the messes cleaned. We are experts at navigating through obstacles, and can solve any problem that comes our way. We are efficient and well-organized, because we have to be.

2. We are flexible.

Change of plans? Not a problem. Pilot wives are the epitome of flexibility. We are used to canceled dinners, late flights, and rescheduling due to cancelations. We know how to roll with the punches, even while managing a full schedule. And while we might bitch about it, deep down we get a sense of satisfaction knowing that we can handle it.

3. We are independent.

Whether it’s taking our kids to birthday parties or get-togethers, we can show up and look great even without our better half. We know how to run the show and make executive decisions on the spot even when our pilots can’t be reached because we know we can handle it. We can juggle parent-teacher conferences with play dates and girls’ nights out. Because we’re awesome, that’s why.

4. We can handle 101 different jobs.

Wife, mom, scheduler, chauffer, cook, appointment maker, bill payer, housecleaner, goddess of all things. We come with a myriad of different hats, and we can switch them in the blink of an eye. We can juggle, multitask, and balance with the best of them – all while being alone.

5. We network.

Whenever we feel like we can’t do it all, or aren’t doing it well, we have a knack for asking for help from our fellow pilot wives. Whether it’s asking for a recipe, or venting about our lifestyle, pilot wives have each other’s backs. We celebrate each other’s victories, we commiserate together, and we grieve each other’s losses. We don’t judge each other; we don’t care about political stance, work vs. stay-at-home, breast vs. bottle, regional airline or mainline. It doesn’t matter where you live or where you’re from, whether you have a degree or you don’t, if you have kids or you’re newly married. Because one thing binds us together, and that is the fact that we are all in the aviation lifestyle and dealing the best we can. There’s no shortage of support with us, because we know we’re in this together.

6. We help each other.

Whether it’s trading babysitting, hosting a get-together, or helping each other run errands, when you know other pilot wives in your community, it’s a huge help. And if you can find a friend (we have a knack for this, too) who understands the aviation lifestyle and offers help, you know they’re a godsend. Whether it’s a neighbor you can call during an emergency, or another pilot wife who lives nearby, treat these friends like gold. You never know when you’ll need each other.

7. We know when we need a break.

You know that moment when you hand the kids off to your pilot and make a mad dash to Target/the nail salon/your hairdresser/get a massage? It’s a moment of pure glory. And it’s a moment every pilot’s wife deserves to have at least once a month. Has it been too long since you’ve done any of those? Time for a break my friend. Own it.

8. We support our pilots.

Studying for a checkride? We’ll handle the kids and house stuff. Had a bad day/trip? We’ll listen to them complain about crew scheduling, crappy hotel rooms, and maintenance delays with a smile and a nod. Because we are the soft place they fall, the confidante, and the soother of nerves. We know that sometimes it sucks, and that it’s awesome that we are the ones they turn to and trust to talk about the not-so-fun stuff.

9. We travel like pros.

Nobody knows the ins and outs of travel like pilot wives (besides crew members, of course). We know how to check loads, pack light, and how to dress for security. We can handle kids and car seats, and can entertain with endless games, toys, and snacks for hours if needed (because we also know the joys of traveling standby). We know how to navigate airports and can fly through terminals like nobody’s business. And we look damn good while doing it, too.

10. We handle the little stuff. And the big stuff, too.

Whether it’s managing the behind-the-scenes details at home while our husbands are gone, or dealing with big stuff like pregnancies or family loss, we are usually the first to know about and deal with crises big and small. Pilot wives know how to put on their big girl panties and deal with things, because that’s what they do best. Like a boss.

I want you to know, my fellow pilot wife, that you are a badass. You are strong and amazing and all kinds of wonderful. No wonder your pilot married you! Any time you feel like you aren’t doing a good job or you need a little pick-me-up, I want you to read this list and remind yourself why you truly are incredible. Don’t ever forget how awesome you are!

Have anything to add to this list? Comment below! I would love to hear from you.

With the recent and tragic Germanwings crash in France putting a spotlight on pilot health, I can feel the need for discussion about flight medicals. When I started writing this post, its focus was on physical health and what our pilots go through to maintain a current flight medical certificate. However, I feel I need to talk about mental health as well – which I came to realize is one of the taboo, whispered-about areas of health that is not only considered one of those subjects unfit for dinner talk in “regular” life, but is even more stigmatized in aviation. Name a pilot today that is not afraid to step up and admit a mental health concern and I will pay you cash money. (Although being a pilot wife you already know it won’t be much. Like, maybe a dollar.) You don’t talk about depression, anxiety, or “feeling crazy” in aviation. You just don’t. Why? Because of the fear that just like that, your medical license will be taken away – and all that work and money and education and stress was for nothing. So you suck it up and deal, because that’s what you do.

This is a complete and utter shame. Not to mention a disservice to those suffering from any number of mental health issues that should be addressed. It’s bullshit, plain and simple. These issues need to be addressed. They need to be discussed, and let out of hiding, and given a safe place. They also need to be treated, without any fear of retaliation or punishment. Because it needs to be okay to ask for and get help. Or we’re just going to see more of it – in devastating ways like the Germanwings crash.

Obviously, events like the recent crash are rare. But depression is not uncommon. In fact, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, or ADAA, 1 in 10 Americans will experience depression at some point. Pilots aren’t exempt. That means that possibly 1 out of 10 pilots are walking around and not getting the help they need. Or, they are and they aren’t saying anything about it or the medication they are taking. Are we really telling pilots that they can’t get help or even be on common medications like antidepressants? Worse than that, we are telling them to deal with it (or not) and shut up about it.

There is little to no help out there, unless a pilot wants to be grounded. Did you know that even common antidepressants such as Celexa, Prozac, and Zoloft are on the no-fly list? They are. These are medications that are prescribed routinely for depression, and the three mentioned are ones that have little to no side effects (the most common side effects are sexual or libido related).

However, in 2010, the FAA released the ban on pilots using Prozac, Celexa, Prozac, and Lexapro. Awesome, right? Not so fast. Because it also meant nothing – basically, unless you want to stop flying for a year while you are monitored, and then *maybe* be given your medical back – you’re screwed. The FAA awards them on a case-by-case basis. And guess what? Less than 50 cases have been awarded their medical license back for taking the aforementioned medications. LESS THAN 50. I don’t know about you, but that makes me super comfortable letting the FAA know my problems.

All this does is foster an environment for lying. And hiding any problems. Just sweep it under the rug and pretend that those depression statistics don’t apply to pilots. Sure, sure, you pass your medical. Here you go, you’re fit to fly. I don’t want to hear about any problems unless you want problems, you hear?

So what exactly is a pilot supposed to do if they aren’t feeling like themselves, or if they are depressed? There are a few resources out there, and the best part is that they are confidential. It’s important to know the facts – where to go to seek help, what does and does not go on your record, which health issues affect your medical, what to do if something happens, and what resources are available if something does happen.

Project Wingman

Led by Captain Charlie Curreri, who is also a licensed professional counselor, this organization was created to help pilots who are in need of confidential help. From this article on rapp.org: “The project Wingman team helped establish a 24/7 confidential emergency mental health hotline (817) 823-7965 in case a pilot needs to address a mental health issue about him or herself, or is concerned about another crewmember’s psychological well-being. This program’s success is measured though numerous success stories. Names are withheld in confidence, but Project Wingman Director Curreri assures me that many pilots have received the help they’ve needed without fear of reprisal or loss of license, especially when it came to taking medications for mental health reasons.”

I actually called the hotline to see if it works – and it sure does! I’m currently working on getting more information that I will update here soon.

Pilot Medical Solutions

This company has helped thousands of pilots resolve medical issues. They are strictly confidential and an initial consultation is free. Their number is 800-699-4457 or you can go to their website at http://www.leftseat.com/. They have an awesome FAQ page (http://www.leftseat.com/frequently_asked_questions.htm) that answers questions like which conditions you can’t fly with, and what to do if you get a rejection letter from the FAA.

The point is, there needs to be more support for pilots who are affected by mental illness. It can’t be something that is ignored or pushed to the side. The mental health of our pilots needs to be of utmost importance. I recently read a fascinating story written by Captain Mark L. Berry about his treatment (when he was reported by a captain for acting depressed) after his fiancée perished in an airplane crash. You can read it here: http://airwaysnews.com/blog/2015/03/31/op-ed-inside-the-head-of-those-inside-the-cockpit/. He received counseling against his will, but it was something he needed desperately.

Have anything to add to this conversation? I’d love to hear what you have to say! Comment below and we can chat. J