your gaze was so intense, so fixed, so real. it was strong, yet gentle, with a slight glimmer of mystery in your eyes. i couldn’t help but to wake up from the stance. it was the mid ground between a dream and reality. the point of in between where you know you’re dreaming, yet it feels to real you doubt if it really is a dream, but then you wake up to realize that it really is a dream, but somehow it feels so real. its mind trippin. i find it somewhat disturbing, to experience such serious, real, and intense feelings during a dream. perhaps it was a figment of a premonition, only time will tell.

i found it difficult to fall asleep after. then again, it has been difficult the whole entire week, unless the exhaustion kicks in. even then i’d be awoken by the feel of your warm body next to mine, the hushed laughter in my ear and your shy gaze. and it wrenches with the flicker of my lids to wake up to that flash of a dream. its like waking up mid way of a beautiful dream, and then quickily trying your hardest to fall back asleep just so that you can return to the same place. silly, but im pretty sure we’re all guilty of it at some point in time.

i’m drained. tired of all that’s been going on. school, home, outside, work. and no i’m not spreading myself too thinly. if its anything it’s the activity that keeps me from loosing it all. i’ve thought of throwing every single thing away. though of running away yet again. just being alone by the beach. detox would be good. in between coughing my lungs out and sniffing till my nose turns red, my thoughts keep getting interrupted by replays. i wish it all away. prayed it all away. but deep down i’m not letting go. perhaps because i just don’t feel so. or could i even feel at all? sometimes i feel so confused. perhaps most of the time. i just don’t get how one moment everything seems to be working out right, and the next, it’s all washed down the drain. fuck. i’m in such a mess.

i don’t know how to begin, things have all seem like one huge blur. the awesome thing is probably that i’ve not been to school all week. most of the days have been spent running around picking up items for thursday’s shoot. it was pretty insane. fun, but still crazy. i guess the ropes from the paper bags have left scars on my arms now. the rain didn’t help either! oh well, selecting items from the offices of most high-end brands this time round made things somewhat different. the LV walk in wardrobe in the main office is pretty cool, despite my lack of lust for the brand.

i’ve been pretty drained all week. with too much on my mind. my shoot, fyp, brand manageent, dance, and you. spontaneous clubbing after dance pract on wed turned out kinda insane. it was fun, but just pretty crazy. maybe it was better towards the end. i don’t know. i’ve pretty much leanrnt my lesson. in vino veritas has never been more true. and now i’ve pretty much dug a huge hole for myself once again. taking off right now would be a fantastic idea. just be alone far far away for a while. i need the break. i’d like you to come along, i’d love to see you smile everyday. it’s almost like wishing for cotton candied clouds in winter.

i don’t like feeling this way, don’t like not having control. its not been like this for so long, and i never wanted to start this game. i was walking alone perfectly fine, but now it seems like im getting lost and straying from my path. i don’t like all the assumptions, i don’t like trying to figure things out. i hate the feeling of wanting to do something so badly, yet you’re just unable to. i’d still be happy just the way things were. i’d love to be happier, but i don’t think i’m quite there to take the risk. don’t think i’ll ever be perhaps. they always say once bitten, tiwce shy, and i don’t wanna find out on the thrid try. i guess im happy for now. or rather, up till now. man.. i’m a mess.

after a very bad night at zouk on saturday, sunday seemed to start all too soon. before i knew it i was at mel’s place planning what to cook for dinner. and i must say cooking is definitely therapeutic. and best of all, you won’t feel like eating after. now how awesome is that? so the menu for the night was:

Rocket salad with crab meat, feta cheese and honey mustard dressing

Baked nachos with salsa and cheese

Baked fries wit garlic mayo dip

Mussels and mushroom bruschetta

Sherry marinated steak

Sangria marinated sausages

Sauteed asparagus

Potato Gratin

and here’s what we sorta intended to make:

and the final product. i must say it looked better than expected. the steak didnt have enough time to sit, but was still alright for me. i liked the mussels, and pity there wasn’t time to make dessert. it felt like christmas again.

dixon, j, lins, andy, mel, nat, tiff & i

and after dinner it was time for some movie. gosh we never realized how bad spice world was. and secretly everyone loved it once, perhaps ages ago. we ended up watching premonition, which turned out to be not scary at all. so much for psyching myself up to be prepared for some shocking nightmarish horror movie!

its nothing better than partying with your girls. somehow there’s always drama, plus getting stuck in situations that i never want to be in. i guess i complicate things. in my mind where nothing’s ever organized, and a terribly failing memory, somehow things just gets messed up. i have a very selective memory, and the fact that i’m always off to my own little world doesnt help much.

i thought i’ve came to a point where the mind controls the heart, or at least close to that. but unfortunately not. and it somehow frustrates me. that i put too much of my heart into everything. damn. oh well.. before i digress yet again partying on fri was pretty fun, prolly the start and end with nicole and tiff, plus 5-10 with andy and dixon.

its like one party after another and that’s the way life should be. lin’s bro’s brithday at cafe del mar and then jb the next morning, its like being on a constant high. pretty fun running all around. jb with the girls was pretty awesome. we ended up buying way too much nonsense. met a few funny cabbies random people!

marrybrown’s for lunch, then headed off to the salon for the girls to get their hair braided

basically spent the whole day at holiday plaza and bought quite a bit of stuff there too!

mel tried contacts for the first time! whoo hoo!

dinner was awesome! chilli chilli and more chilli with seafood! yum!

we headed to danga bay for the carnival! and ended up in some simulated rollercoaster ride which was quite hilarious.

we realized we had to head back as we all had no money left, so we headed down to the cab place, which was where all the drama begin. when we got therewe fouond out the cab would take more than an hour to arrive and there were 3 people in line before us so we were all stuck. and stranded. some guys approached us and offered us the ‘private car’ option which cost us S$60! like after much deliberation we said ok and then they said we had to split up and head back with others living in the same area. the est girls were fine. but eelin and i had to be stranded there till another 2 people in the west came. which was INSANE. what are the freakin chances in jb on a sunday night?! so we were just standing around thinking, and this dude pulled up with his wife, and we sorta ask him bout getting out of jb and all. the malay cabbies thought he was trying to steal their business and somehow everyone started shouting. completely drama, so we just ran into his car and said we’ll pay him to send us all back. i was thinking like if anything were to happen we can still just punch him and run, since he’s old. haha and eelin and mel knows a bit of muay thai. haha.. quite nonsense, but oh well. it works! we hitched a ride back.

the couple turned out to be really nice and funny. it was like mini road trip with strangers! that has got to be the highlight of the trip! pretty thrilling i’d say!