Congratulations to the cast for a faultless seven minutes of live telly and balls to the space-alien ­writers for ­breaking new ground in ­implausibility

As loser Billy Mitchell triumphantly carried the real Olympic torch around Albert Square his ­granddaughter Lola was busy giving birth in a burger bar. Under a sign saying, “Two For a Quid”.

What a pity she didn’t name her baby ­daughter after the fast-food joint where she came into this world. McKlunky Pearce has a real ring to it.

But congratulations to the ­EastEnders cast for a faultless seven minutes of live telly. And balls to the space-alien ­writers for ­breaking new ground in ­implausibility.

Memo to the cardboard cut-out characters... next time you see a girl going into labour, try dialling 999. Then ask for an ambulance.

Still with handy tips... here’s one for the Queen Vic’s ridiculous football team. Hey boys... to avoid travelling on the tube in your sky-blue kit you might like to ­acquaint yourself with the ­unusual concept of changing rooms.