Okay, there is beating a dead horse and then there is the rapid fire, blister-raising, skin-chafing deceased equine torture that only takes place when Mike Huckabee sees something that would let him use the words “martyr” and “persecution” in a sentence near the word “Christian.” While it is perhaps the easiest thing in the world today to find a person to compare Kentucky law-breaker-for-Jebus Kim Davis to (Seriously. Think of anyone you know who sucks at their job. Got someone in mind? There’s your comparison for Kim Davis. You’re welcome.), to say Huckabee is reaching a bit with his latest comparison is kinda like saying that Huckabee mentions his faith every now and then. Really Mike? Abe fucking Lincoln?

Appearing on MSNBC this morning, Huckabee said that’s just like Abraham Lincoln, who was not in favor of the Supreme Court’s 1857 Dred Scott decision which held that African Americans were not full citizens.

“Look, you would have hated Lincoln, because he disregarded the Dred Scott 1857 decision that said black people aren’t fully human,” Huckabee said when host Joe Scarborough questioned him about his support of Davis. “[Lincoln] disregarded [Dred Scott] because he knew it was not operative, that it was not logical.”

No, Mike. No. Although it is an easy mistake. Here, I will help you out. Abe Lincoln was President of the United States, that position you want but will never ever have. Sorry. Before he had the job you will never have, the Supreme Court got really high on some nasty drugs and issued the Dred Scott ruling. Lincoln was not in favor of what may be the worst Supreme Court ruling in the history of our nation. a ruling that pointed at all the stuff in the Constitution that talked about “all men” and “created equal” and such and so on, then said “oh but not for darky, oh snap!” At which point the Justices in the majority probably high fived, made a few racist jokes, smacked their secretary on the ass, then ran out the door and jumped in the windows of the General Lee, which they drove out to the farm where they kept the slaves they used for sex. (Or something like that. ; ) This was in a time of upheaval and change that led to The War to Keep Black People as Property. (Hey, if southern revisionists can give it names like “The War of Northern Aggression,” then I can name it as I see it as well.) Now this is important, so pay attention. While Lincoln disagreed with Dred Scott and spoke against it, he never refused to issue any marriage licenses because of his personal talks with J.C.

Kim Davis, on the other hand, is an elected official who really needs to do her fucking job. A job that she apparently does not understand. She is not required to morally approve of the relationship between the people applying for marriage licenses, she is just required to verify the people meet the legal standards to get married. Thanks to the Supreme Court people can get married now to people who have the same no-no spots, so peens and peens and hoohas with hoohas. Her job is “paperwork is good? Check. Issue license.” Other than her son, all the deputy clerks in her office are totally down with the law and their job and are all like “Judge type person, we want to do our jobs but crazy Christian lady scares us and will probably fire us, and we like having jobs, so help!?!” Unfortunately, Kim Davis believes that every time she issues a marriage license she is saying, loud and proud, that Jesus H. Christ, acting through his oh so humble vessel Kim Davis, morally approves of this love match between no no spots that are not the same.

Now some of you may be reading along thinking (out-loud cause thinking be hard when done at the same time as reading) well good for Kim, after all, “God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve!” If you are thinking that please send me a message and permission to use your real name and likeness. But your homophobia aside, this is one of those slopes that are like slip and slides, you know, like the homophobes insisted that gay marriage would unleash an unstoppable torrent of increasingly absurd marriages (man marries dog, man marries baby, man marries frog, man marries toaster oven, man marries Fleshlight, man marries right hand, man marries ham sandwich, asks for annulment upon eating said sandwich, man marries both his left and right hands, society has crumbled, cats and dogs living together, seas of blood, checkmate, atheist! I mean checkmate pro-equality fascist!) except this slope is actually slick and all sorts of things are ready to start slipping on down. (And no, no gay man is going to slip anything into any scared straight guys because of the Supreme Court. Unless the scared straight guy wants something slipped inside, in which case two consenting adults yadayada) What do I mean? Well, if this homobigot in Kentucky can refuse to give teh ghays a marriage license cause Jesus, then what exactly is stopping the Clerk in Alabama to stop issuing interracial marriage licenses cause of his Jesus? Then Clerks all over the nation go crazy, with different marriage requirements in every county, let alone every state.

“Hi, we’d like to get a marriage license.”

“Sorry son, but it is against my religious convictions to issue a license to anyone under 33. If Jesus thought you should get married young, he would have been married before he died. Now you can’t go to the next county over either, cause Jed believes with all his Jesus loving heart that blonds and brunettes are not allowed to get married to each other. It is crazy, he makes people prove their natural hair color. The county down south is pretty much out as well, I’m afraid, as Clerk Robertl Silma seemingly issues licenses at random. See he took a vow of silence last year and he never did learn to write, so no one has been able to figure out why he refuses each couple. Now if your star signs are compatible, Clerk Grisn in Chekard county will issue you a licens….what’s that? She’s a Scorpio? Well, that options out the window. You can’t go to North county cause you’re a lefty, can’t go to Brower county cause she is jewish and you’re Christian, can’t go to Lux county unless you speak in tongues, you can’t speak in tongues can you? Thought not, let’s see….”

-4 hours later-

“Alright, if you go to Tuscaluna county

“Um, that’s a 5 hour drive….”

“Are you going to keep interrupting me? As I was saying, if you go to Tuscaluna county and drive towards the state park, you will find a cabin right outside the park. In the cabin lives a woman who will give you a token that proves your true love. Once you have the token, then drive out of state, to Misango county. While the Clerk is only on duty one Tuesday a month, since the county has a population of 272, and he is so conservative that he refuses marriage licenses to women who wear pants, but he does believe in true love and will issue no question asked licenses to anyone who brings the woman’s token.”

“You’re sending me on a fucking quest to get a marriage license?

So yeah. Kim Davis does not equal Abe Lincoln. Kim Davis is also not a martyr, unless being locked in jail until you ask to be let out is actually a path to martyrdom. Which, while personally not a believer in martyrdom, I still get the feeling the actual people who got horribly tortured to death for their faith would tell Kim Davis to eat a bag of dicks.

About the Author

Described as "intelligent but self-destructive," Foster Disbelief spent his twenties furiously attempting to waste his potential in a haze of religion and heroin. Science and atheism allowed him to escape his twin addictions and he now spends his days attempting to make the most of his three remaining brain cells.