Saturday, November 07, 2009

The grey-haired doctor shuffled through my chart, searching for words to explain his own uncertainties to a bewildered man in front of him. His pockmarked forehead was crinkled by lines of confusion as though asserting my suspicions that whatever was happening to me, it was definitely not one of a normal occurrence. While he puts on his thick glasses, he cleared his throat nervously and his eyes glide across the current sheet he was referring to before they rested intently on me. The air of the small white consultation room located at the end of the second floor of this recently privatised hospital was choking me along with his deep gaze.

“So, you have been experiencing this blood vomiting for almost a month?” “Yes… Indeed. It has been exactly 29 days but no one can ever tell me what is wrong with me. I can handle anything so just tell me, doc”

He could sense my desperation for the truth through that quiver in my voice yet there was little he can say. He relayed an answer given by all the medical practitioners I have visited in the past month which is “We could not find anything wrong with you”. I got on my feet and turned my back on the doctor who was still perplexed with his own inability to determine my disease despite being highly recognised as the best in his field. Well, to me, he was only my 5th doctor who brought me nothing but further qualms of my condition. It seemed fruitless then to enquire further because I knew that I would only be further subjected to a series of inconclusive tests.

I dragged myself along with my thoughts back to my village. It was a silent journey of bus changes and taxi mounting before I had to take the humble roads that could only be traversed by feet. The moon was overtaking the sun as my torch and when I was at the edge of the village, my limp was slightly emphasised as I strolled hastily past Nek Bidah’s lavish abode that would be fitting for kings of yesteryears. Nevertheless, Nek Bidah would still know I am here. She always does, doesn’t she?

“Rosman, why are you walking so fast? Don’t you want to come to say hi to this old lady?” cried a coarse voice affected by many years of tobacco addiction.

I turned around to face the 107 year old woman who was flashing her perfect teeth to me in an evil grin. As soon as I saw her unbelievably smooth, olive skinned face, the urge to vomit overwhelmed me again as always when I pass by in front of this house. A light bulb was switched on in my head. Yes! It has always been right here, when I was going by in front of this house daily after work that I would throw up pools of blood. My head spun like a spinning top. My twenty-year-old frame could not take it anymore. Inadvertently, I had to stoop and give in to the offensive impulse yet another time.

I could feel her long nailed fingers rubbing my back, easing me during the process of discarding the unwanted off me. I could smell the fragrant jasmine that always adorns her hair without fail all these years as I grew up watching her. Nek Bidah is a cousin of my great grandmother but they have never been on the same page ever since Nek Bidah married a shaman who practiced black magic in my village. I also heard through the grapevines that Nek Bidah killed her own husband about 50 years ago as she developed the burning desire to become better than he was in sorcery. With that, she became one and she was rather famed across the country for her ability to dispel one from the surface of the Earth with a snap of her fingers. I suddenly got the chills when I realised those are the same fingers trying to relieve me from my misery.

I wanted to leap free from her but oddly, I felt relaxed and at ease with her. I turned to look at her and I almost fell out of horror. With bubbles frothing from her mouth, Nek Bidah was chanting what seemed like gibberish I could not comprehend with her blood shot eyes popping out from their socket. Realising my terror, she grabbed my right hand with her left hand firmly and held my neck with her other free one. Her vigor was so tremendous for a woman her age that I was lifted off the ground and was gasping for my breath. My hands were all over the place, reaching out for hope of being saved that seemed like a thing with feathers right now. I felt as if I would die in another few seconds so instinctively, I said a few prayers to God.

At the very instant, she let go of me and shrieked as if she was burning in flames. She rolled on my vomit that has become a puddle on the sandy ground and she was scratching her own face with her nails until it was bleeding. I was under a sense of shock and fled from the scene immediately. While running away, I glanced behind me to see Nek Bidah was writhing on the ground and shouting profanities. With my new found courage and strength, I darted off like a cheetah towards my own house at the other end of my ancient village. My heart was pounding with the intensity of my own speed and as I reached the veranda of my house, I fainted on the floor.

In the headlines the next day:

“A 107 year old woman was found dead in a horrifying state in Kampung Danau, Kuantan yesterday. The deceased was identified as Bidahtun Thajuddin who has been living alone for the past 50 years and is said to have no direct heir or next of kin to claim her body at the nearest hospital. Anyone who has any information about the death could notify the nearest police station as it is a suspected homicide”

Mother was dabbing some Axe brand oil on my forehead and lamenting on about how Nek Bidah was looking for someone to inherit her “saka” or guardian devil that has been taking care of her possessions all this while. The only reason why she has lived for more than a century was because she could not find a new master for the devil who lives on its master’s fresh blood. Mother recalled that the devil would have to devour the blood for 30 days and then, it will obey everything its new master says.

I was on a whirlwind of emotions. I just lost my voice and looked at my bruised hand, wondering what would have happened otherwise.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

This is very disappointing but I just discovered that one of my colleagues has been a serious victim of slander among students. What more, they were boys. She was said to be asking personal question as she was supposedly so desperate and interested in finding a boyfriend. To add salt to wound, the boy who started this calumny was actually someone who was considerably close to my colleague.

Bois, bois.. You guys continue to give us reasons to change our perception on all of you. Why do you have to be so bad mouthed? Foul in the language that you use to talk about your teachers? Even though you don't say it directly to her, it still brings the same defamatory effect to her. I know her and I know she is happy with her current life. She doesn't need anyone's brothers as a boyfriend.

I can only guess what they will talk behind my back but just know that we crack our heads and hearts in the continuous effort to give you the best. If you guys continue to break it needlessly, it is not impossible that you can deter our spirits to teach. I might peter out because of you guys.

I'm now in a Latihan Dalam Perkhidmatan (LADAP) on how to build a blog. Woaaah, I feel so high-tech all of the sudden. I know what some people need courses for.. Hehehe

Alamak, that was counted as a brag, no? Takpa, takpa, no one likes a know-all. I'll just pretend that I don't know a thing about the topic. Maybe that can make more people to be relaxed, especially moi who is half-smirking at the poorly functioning LCD projector.

This blog has been a great avenue for people to get to know me, do I want more to do so? eerrmm.. n

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Papadom is probably one of the best thing ever invented in the world. Something spicy yet crunchy. It's versatile as it goes with most Malay+Indian cuisines and it's almost everyone's cup of tea.

Same goes to the movie which borrows that Malaysian household name, Papadom by Afdlin Shauki. With the exception of SumoLah, I have never missed out on any Afdlin's movie (either as a cast or a director) and although Papadom is not my absolute favourite, the movie has succeeded in trying to achieve its objective and pass on the message. After I finished watching it, I thought of texting my loved ones to say I love them because I don't know when I would lose them. Alas, my battery was almost out so I decided to do it later (which I never got around to, of course)

Liyana Jasmay was a bit errmmm.. well, childish for my liking but I guess that is because her character requires her to be a bit manja (I know she's a talented actress but I think she had a much, much better performance in Histeria by James Lee). Que Haidar is probably my favourite person in this movie, adding another highly-characterised role under his belt. Wajib Tayang is, indeed, the epitome of all losers who are winners.

When you watch the movie and see how the cinematography was brilliantly coupled with ingenious story telling, a normal, typical tale comes to life in what feels like your own family crisis yet a bit detached so that you can be objective and pick up the moral values signal they are cleverly transmitting to you. Love and appreciate your love ones but allow them the opportunity to be free and make their own mistakes.

But how if the flow is slow? Absolutely slow and you feel that you need to give it a push. Really, really give it a push...

I have taught where I have been teaching for about 10 months and I wish that I could literally push the kids from one place to another. Moving from the lab to the class is when they take the opportunity to take a stroll in the park, causing teachers to wait 10-15 minutes for them to come in. And not an inch of regret is shown on their face, as if I should be alright with them coming in late.

For me, I try to be as punctual as I can with the teaching periods and would usually reach at least two minutes beforehand. I think that is one way to show that you look forward to teaching and you appreciate the students. Sadly, it's not mutual. They probably never looked forward to learning anything.

The students like to complain about the administrators and the system but they themselves do not realise that they are one of the reasons why the system is as such. Slow as a snail, sleeping during prep time and they say they have given their best. Their best, my foot. No wonder they are not achieving.

I studied in a normal daily school which some of these students look down upon but I think I have learnt to be more human and in constant hunger for excellence. I have learnt to be independent and not under appreciate all those that my teacher has given me. The papers I photostated, the notes I've produced, the activities I thought of..

Next year, I am going to teach like all those other teachers. Buy a freaking workbook and finish it up.

This is just one of those nasty comments when you bought something just recently and you kinda like it, in fact you know it looks good on you. But they just continuously try to make you question yourself. Sometimes, you ask them a question and they make this puzzled, your-question-is-incomprehensible face. Kenapa ya? Rasa bagus sangat ka?

After knowing my awesome friends who have been in my life for between 6-13 years, all these new people I meet are starting to get on my nerves so much so that I cringe seeing their faces daily. All those backstabbing, bitching and talking...

It just made me realise that I love my friends (Nin, Durs, Sya, Mi, Bil, Cap) too much, there's no match for their patience and love.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Thursday, October 01, 2009

When we are able to make choices and be all we wanted, we become as obsessed as we would be with any new fixation. We always try to find new endeavours to challenge ourselves and optimistic with all the positive callings in life.

But sometimes, we forget that we do all these choices without taking into consideration all the people around us. If we do, we suspect that we will be held back and we think we will not progress in life.

I realise that I must look at each and everyone in my life. You, I have fallen in love and now, life is different.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I've always wanted to do a mob squad, I think it was a plan that me and 'Ainur never really put into action. But this is seriously cool, enjoy this awesome idea that happened just earlier this month. Credits to Harpo Production

Yeah, I've decided to go on a hiatus to take a break on dishing out the dirt on someone else but this is something that has been lurking at the back of my mind for a while.

This one woman that created such an onslaught of bickering and defending by contrasting parties. Kartika, she is.. Havoc, she wrecked by drinking in public. How public was it? I am not entirely sure as Cherating usually indoor pubs (aku tahu ke benda ni? owwhh.. tidak!)

It just got me thinking, all these while I have been hanging out at various spots in KL and have seen Malay (which presumably are Muslims-yeah, the constitution says so.. pi baca if tak caya) gulping down bottles of Heineken while playing poker in really open food courts. So much to say that it has become such a usual sight and no one turns twice anymore.

Although personally I do not practice alcohol as I have an intense hatred of the substance, I did not see the problem as something that I personally have something to do with. I assume almost everyone in my circle of friends do not drink or has stopped the habit. Hence, I always thought enforcement has been poor and more action should be taken by the authorities to curb the situation.

But as Kartika attracts so much international and local attention, I become to wonder if this country is even ready to accept the laws that have been outlined for the general good. I am sure that a lot of people are all for the caning but for the fear of being called an extremist, they succumbed to being quiet (urrmm.. I am feeling a bit hot too). Somehow, caning a chick seems just too mean and doesn't protect her human rights, no?

So it baffles me as to why after Kartika, there has been no cases reported of the same punishment being implemented. Have people learned their lessons from Kartika's episode or they have just became smarter to not drink publicly? Answer to both is NO. Through a random visit to a few spots implied afore in this post, things have not changed. The effectiveness of such publicised penalty could not reach its aim. Thus,I strongly feel, as any educationist would agree, that continuous re-enforcement should be able to increase the ability of the implementation of the law and the authority should not be afraid of staying by the book.

Whip not just one girl, Whip them all equally.

*as always, this is a personal opinion. Take no offence, we're all here for each other's good*

Friday, August 28, 2009

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Guess what arrived in the mail about two weeks ago?? NME2 through the not-so snail mail! In your face, Kuantan!

Here's what happened: The whole school was anxiously waiting for the announcement of whether our school would be granted with a week break due to H1N1 outbreak so I notified Nina of the issue. She let out a shriek, I was surprised!

Nina: Ana, you kena tunggu sampai posmen datang tomorrow tau!Ana : Haaa... why??Nina: Because I sent something through the mail... You KENA tunggu!Ana : (being smart as I always am) Did you sent in NME2?Nina: Yeaaaaaaaa... I couldn't bear to think that you akan read the book two weeks lagiAna : Kaaaaan??? But Oh My God! You sangat sayang kat I, I sayang you juga *tears*Nina: Awwwwhhh.. Durra yang beli, I postkanAna : I sayang jugaklah kat Durra... But you, you... *speechless*

My Girls are the best.. Who can top this?

*by now, I have finished reading the book and I can't wait for NME3.. hats off to Amir Sharipudin, Ann Lee and Shanon Shah for opening the curious can of the unknown for me*

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

What is the best way of giving some constructive feedback to your students? You know, without sounding harsh and pushing some wrong buttons?

I guess for any new or beginning teachers, we all face the same problem. Feedback is essential for every work, be it marks or remarks yet you just don't know what will the response to the feedback be. You just want to be honest for everyone's sake but how to put it in the most intellectual and encouraging way, that's the quest.

I wish I could pat everyone at the back and say "Good Job" but the standard is raised as the time passes by. I want to see imrpovement, from good to better to best. Most of people haven't really reached good yet being at better shouldn't leave you too comfortable.

Okay, so you have tried writing about lands in Europe and homes of sausages... For other essays, try to tell me something I don't already know. Instead of focusing on the narrative or the plot, you can have a little more emphasis on the characters' soul. Not from the surface, but dwell into its inner thoughts. What do people in certain situation, sometimes compromising ones, think of when they do it?

Also, pick a setting that's beyond here and now. The groovy 60s, for example, is one of the best example. Yes, have some readings on music of the time, the cultural practices. Talk about Malaysia of yesteryears, when students were rulers, for example. What difference can be highlighted that rings truth to the mind?

I have always wanted my continuous essay homeworks to be a punchbag of emotions and conflicts. But more often than not, the essay becomes one of telling an event. A recount.

So, no... You haven't lost it. It's tucked neatly under a layer of doubts, so let's find that exclusively-yours magic. That's a challenge and it's for all of us.

Monday, August 03, 2009

This new series aired in Lifetime Channel, USA is currently being aired in Aussie too so I went on to google it and it got raving reviews. It's called "Drop Dead Diva" *ahem.. me* and I can't wait for it to reach our shores.

It's about a gorgeous bimbo-ish woman who falls dead but gets replaced into a new body, a size 16 woman who works as a lawyer. Hence, it's a stark contrast. Sort of reminds me of that Chris Rock movie, Down To Earth.

Saturday, August 01, 2009

This is how my cubicle looks like almost all working days, an organised chaos which Hafiz Hazim once cleverly referred to as an aftermath of a horrendous typhoon. There are too many things to do, notice the hills of books waiting for me to peek in and later, have a severe headache over it (owwh, the constant perfectionist is annoying!)

Thus, I am in office at 7.30am on a beautiful Saturday morning, having Nesvita+Weetbix for breakfast while simultaneously correcting grammar and sentence structure in essays albeit my own concurrent mistakes in the same areas are still apparent.

I miss my other Saturday mornings back home, the ones either spent gobbling down The Mother's thosai or having a chai latte+wholegrain muffin at my favourite coffee spot, Marmalade over a good book and the newspaper.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

So just now we snapped pictures for the school magazine. Since my KP isn't around, I went to replace her as the advisor for the English Language Society. There I was, being all nice and demure as I always am (not) when Nuro and Fai had some really "funny" joke.

Yesterday, I had an enlightening conversation with 4 Archimedes boys about music. They said a title of a song and I will name the artist. We discussed about what we are currently listening to and the boys suggested a few songs that I ought to listen and later share my opinion with them. I did so and I am glad they shared their knowledge.

Yet, when asked about my favourite genre, I scratched my head in wonder as I realised that the answer is too looooong. I like almost all genre with preference for non-mainstream sounds or plain revolutionary. So you can actually catch me listening to jazz, R&B, hip hop, rock and roll, rave, house music, folk (all walks), brit rock, reggae and new music on different hours of a day. I have little tolerance for metal, though.

For me, music knows no boundaries and I should not limit myself to just one sound. I frequent musical events for reasons as such, just to discover new sounds. And I also have that annoying habit of instantly hating indie artist going mainstream and being liked by all who just decided to join the bandwagon. Underdogs are my forte, man...

Anyway, just in case you're wondering what the title has got to do with the topic I'm writing about, I just watched Cadillac Records that is yet to be screened in Malaysia. It was a movie that helped me understand the dynamics of the race music that I have been reading all this while. The antagonist, Muddy Waters came across in my readings of The Rolling Stones who idolised this man like a God. In fact, Mick named the band after one of Muddy's song. The movie, which trailed on the true story of Chess Records which was THE record label for race music before Motown and Berry Gordy, features Adrien Broody, Mos Def (as the prolific Chuck Berry) and Beyonce.

I guess my education in music is going to go on for a long while where I will learn to appreciate different sounds and discovering the many faces of human.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I have waited for a while before I had the mind for my 2 cents on the issue. Reason being is that the concept is such a fuzzy one and seems to stand as yet another policy by another prime minister who seeks to outdo the previous one. As time comes along, we sort of anticipate for the policy to be abandoned or left lurking in the lukewarm while another steams up the scene. It's a pattern long practiced in this beloved land, with the exception of Rukunegara or the rather debatably disastrous NEB (DEB).

So while I took the time to read my head off on the topic, I could not help myself but to identify some issues that might raise a few eyebrows. I have noticed that instead of being a platform for the government to assert their want of uniting people, it has challenged the belief of many of the top tier people in the country as well as your laymen around. They follow, yes.. But ask them a question about One Malaysia, you will have many contrasting opinions on the adequacy of the implementation.

For example, on the issue of vernacular schools. Some are proposing that the different vernacular schools being closed down as it hinders unity while others think that it would be rather unfair and ignite racial unrest. The matter is; it should be a choice made available and the education system can be effective in dealing with the issue. If the Malays get the opportunity of studying in full residential schools that were designed specifically for their success, why deny the other races of privileges that they need to strive for personally?

(I have asked a bunch of 16 year olds in a full residential school about this and the answers were sometimes disconcerting, with hints of righteousness and "hak saya, bukan mereka" perception.. I am sure glad I have brought the issue up to be discussed)

The key here is OneMalaysia needs to be developed with a strong foundation without relying too much on empty rhetorics. Yes, a few plans have been developed like the Yayasan OneMalaysia or the National Scholarship where merit is the way to go. But if some of the top ministers could not lay their fingers down right to the core of OneMalaysia, you would recognise that the policy is one of a populist nature that seeks to tap on the common interest of the younger generation.

At the very end, it seemed like a knock-off version of Malaysian Malaysia, just subtly built with preference for some.

Where am I to find thee,For thou lingered always in the background,Sharing the perfume of thy wonderworks?Why are thou vigilante eyes a dear distance,Though it looked through many frames,Sharing the scenes of thy wonderworld?

Even in thy deep slumber,Thy name continues to bring the fragrance,Of realisation and hope of oneness,Even in the hiding eyes of the doubts,Thy visions bring colours to yearn,Of reciprocal dreams and wish of togetherness

I would lead my way down the road,Of questions and qualms of myself,Guided by thy potent reverie of hope,To believe that everything is possible,Blessed, is thy soul of a beaming light,For never wilted are thy petals of dreams...

Obit: My Flower, Yasmin Ahmad (1958-2009)

You brought a meaning to my life, as I am sure to some other millions out there.

Monday, July 27, 2009

After all the scare has worn down, I think it would actually be nice to be quarantined like the other 8 people from my school. They went to the Hari Kebudayaan Jepun event in SBPI Gopeng and some of the participants had some symptoms similar to those with the Influenza A disease.

Since I just came back from Girls Worldwide National Public Speaking Competition in Bangsar, I remembered a conversation I had with a student from Sabah who said that she was on a plane with SMS Lahad Datu students. So, as usual, sources leaked in and I went to see my GPK 1. Okay, no need to go back. Fine.. I was relieved at that time.

After constant running from 7.30am until 3.30pm (Pentaksir Kawasan for ULBS came around, so there goes my only break between 11am-12pm), I thought that the one week break wouldn't be that bad anyway. As it also translates into going back home to KL, it will mean that I'll be quarantined with Dome Breakfast, continued with Devi's lunch and further with The Mother's awesome parpu curry for dinner. I would visit Acap at Guthrie for lunch and force Nabil to bring me up to Hartamas for my local special pizza..

aaawwhhh.. the plans of quarantine. Looks like I'm just gonna enjoy March 8: The Day Malaysia Woke Up by Kee Thuan Chye for the week and bury my head with work while I am at it. Hold up, I think I just sneezed.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

there is a hollowness in me,when i miss you,but i don't know if you do,when i love you,but you never say you do,i clinch my heart tight,stopping it from ballooningfrom sorrow and emptiness,its space characterised byan eerie concave of nothingness,but it seems to swell worst as time propels onwards,i fear there is no cure;to an empty space of hollowness

Thursday, July 16, 2009

If you were my brother,I would have slapped you,If you were my sister,I would have hugged you,If you were smaller,I would have pat your back,If you were bigger,I would have gave you a smack,If you were younger,I would have gave you sweets,If you were older,I would have fed you wheats,If you were legal,I would have dated you,If you were any different,I wonder if I would have spoken to you?

A great shout out to Shih-Li Kow for being shortlisted in the prestigious Frank O'Connor Short Story Award for the anthology Ripples and other short stories published by (why am I not surprised?) Silverfish Books.

Other shortlisted works are:

1) An Elegy for Easterly by Petina Gappah (Zimbabwe) published by Faber, London2) Singularity by Charlotte Grimshaw (NZ) published by Vintage, New Zealand3) The Pleasant Light of Day by Philip O Ceallaigh (Ireland) Published by Penguin Ireland.4) Everything Ravaged, Everything Burned by Wells Tower (USA) Published by FSG New York and Granta UK5) Love Begins in Winter by Simon Van Booy (USA) published by Harper Perennial New York (such a beautiful book, my personal favourite for the win)

I have read Ripples and other stories and Love Begins in Winter as I own a copy but I'm yet to read the other shortlisted works. FOC Awards has seen receivers such as Jhumpa Lahiri in 2008 for her excellent "Unaccustomed Earth" and Haruki Murakami in 2006 for the lyrical and highly appreciated "Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman"

So, we're in the league finally! Why do I feel like I'm contending? Blaargggh.. I sure wished I did :p

I just came back from a rather tiring camp from the deep jungle of Hutan Lipur Jerangkang where I was supposedly the AJK for F&B. So there were many work and things to be done. Imagine food for 120 6 times a day... fuh, struggle

okay, so you don't wanna be a teacher but you still have the pay as a teacher. You wanna be a lecturer but you are obviously not good enough. Think if you are really good, why do you have to contract yourself to something so insecure in the government service?

You are no better than us... In fact, you're worst. Sekian, terima kasih.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

I am expectedly frustrated and perturbed by the recent announcement of the government to drop ETeMS. Honestly, it is rather unfair for a policy implemented in less than 10 years to be assessed and discarded as such. I wonder if the decision has been very much politically motivated as most students have been found to be more comfortable learning in English Language nowadays and I could see that my 10 year old sister's ability to think critically using the language is far superior than mine when I was her age.

In my humble opinion, it was a wise decision to execute the policy back in 2003 even though the government was severely criticised by the general public for taking such a rushed action into place. I am fully aware that we live in a democratic country but do we really have to follow EVERYTHING that the public demands despite the fact that they are not the ones directly involved in the teaching-learning process. Why should we just let everyone be confined within their comfort zone and don't challenge their ability to push their limits? How can we ever be successful in the acquisition of knowledge if we are so reluctant to get over one hurdle? Yes, maybe those in rural areas are at disadvantage but where else is the opportunity for teachers to use the language in various dimensions?

Let me just give you a very simple analogy. If your kid refuses to eat vegetables, what would you do? Just let him get what he wants or do you try to improve the taste/presentation of vegetables to attract his interest and attention towards such healthy food? The detrimental consequence of not eating vegetable is very much the motivation that should encourage parents to force their kids to adhere to this simple rule. Okay, so he might be fine in his first few years yet in the long run, the nutrients will be undoubtedly essential to the well-being of the kid.

Similarly, the ETeMS policy's success should be easily seen in a few years to come when graduates as well as a breed of fresh Maths/Science teachers who have been mastering the scientific knowledge in English Language from early years joins the work force. We were in the midst of an imperative process and I believe that we were also in the right direction yet due to some voices saying that the darjat of Bahasa Melayu is ridiculed with such an emphasis on English Language hence reflecting that the government as un-Malay, we revert back to a time when we realised that there is a missing link between us and the rest of world players.

The bane of democracy is felt in times like this. Where is Mugabe when you need him?

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Just recently spoke with some of my girls. Found out that Durra is going to Indonesia and Aimi is going to NY this coming long holiday in November.

Gosh, I thought to myself that "I pun nak pi jalan-jalan after I'm finished with SPM marking. Nak pi mana ya?" Soon after, I was inspired then there's no stopping me once I get to it..

KOH SAMUI! It's a great place to party or simply to unwind with closest friends. You can just lounge at the beach in your swim attire (uwwhhh..gotta check out Zimmerman) and a large hat to protect your face (harus!).

(Yes, I wasn't planning to take a swim but instead to just walk around in this.. hahaha)

Friday, July 03, 2009

You know when you see random stuff and you smile? For example, when you see a really cute kid and your eyes just lights up upon the sight. Similarly, I feel a certain delight when I see a guy doing these things-

a) accompanying his mum on a shopping tripb) wearing baju melayu to kenduris and weddings (seriously, very few do this nowadays)c) playing with Rubic cubesd) wears gorgeous glasses that frames his face welle) reading a book (not a car gear magazine)f) playing with children who are not his own kidsg) cleaning up/ tidying up his househ) earnestly jogging without oggling the passing girls' propertiesj) holding up the door for strangersk) checking his tie in the lift reflectionl) when he smiles that stranger smile (which is something that Malaysians always misunderstand)

On that note, I'll just relate an opinion thrown about myself. Someone bluntly said that he thinks I wouldn't look twice at a large guy. That was his critical thinking skills being applied where he tries to make a generalisation based on my choice of partner before this. I was taken aback by such accusation. Yes, thin is good but it's not the only way to go. I am also a human being, who am I to crave or demand such perfection when only God is perfect?

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Should not bash up his/her students.Should not lash out his/her anger or frustrations towards the students.Should be the better one.Is not judged based on his/her appearance.Instead by his/her passion and love for he/she does.

I hope I will not be one that causes students to feel pain.As my job is partially to entertain.Honestly, I'd rather be a clown than a wrestler.

* I am a walrus** All of the nutrients of the food I eat goes to my hair hence why I am still thin despite the amount of food I consume** I am short** I sometimes look like Freida Pinto, especially when my eyes get bigger** I look my best in high heels** I can find a surrogate mother** I should not buy a Satria Neo** I can be myself and still be comfortable*

It sailed,For distance that we could never have foreseen,On the seven seas of glory and misfortune,Where the tide rocks our world constantly,Prodding us into a whirlwind of love,Making us oblivious to the world,The land of unwhispered dreams,That we only dared to keep away,Tightly sealed in the pocket of shame…

It sailed,For seasons that we could have never framed,In million eons of grandeur and austerity,Where the clocks refuse to tick anymore,Wheeling us into a cyclone of trust,Making us naïve to the world,The realm of craved visions,That we adhered to in sleepless days,Fulfilling the imaginary wishes…

It sailed,And it will never stop sailing,As we have stayed here now,Even if we moved in different ways,The wind and seas will conspire to lead us,Into each other’s way over and over again,For it sailed and sailed…

I crave for the sweet scent that vests your skin,Of that languid eyes where you shine in dreams,The little bubbles of joy people enjoy in scenes,Where your hopes guides me in my deep sleep,Free of all expectations and sense of beings..

I yearn for the after mornings of smiles abound,Of the natural shrouds of vanilla happiness,The inexplicable escape of the caged feelings,Where your thoughts releases me from my worries,Emancipated from all doubts and sorries...

And you ask me why I'm addicted to you?When the answer is evident only in you.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

INTEK just participated in the English Debate and Bahas Bahasa Melayu Hari Kecemerlangan Sekolah Berasrama Penuh (HKSBP) held in the scorching hot SSP of Cyberjaya. We managed to win two motions but lost to Sekolah Sultan Alam Shah who represented Group I into Round 2. It was a great and once in a lifetime experience as next year onwards, HKSBP will be done in zones instead of nationals.

Whatmore, this year onwards HKSBP has adopted the UIAM style of debating where the motion and position will only be given an hour before the debate commences. So, INTEK will have to work extra hard to qualify and we're gonna start now. No point waiting until the 11th hour to create wonders if we can do it now. INTEK will be aiming to create a strong generation of future debaters with the help of our current debaters. Insya Allah, we can give a tough fight and establish ourselves as the better ones.

On a slightly different note, out of all the schools I've watched debating, my personal preference would be Sekolah Menengah Sains Seremban (SASER) boys. I watched them as the government debating against Sekolah Menengah Sains Muar (SAMURA) and they nailed the motion to their side quite amazingly (considering the motion was "Celebrities Make Good Politicians"). The second and third speaker (Muhammad Afiq and Megat Ridzwan, respectively) were especially good. For me, an efficient and good debater can be differentiated from the mediocre by the way they address the POIs. Unfortunately, they lost against SSP in the semi-finals. Daaaaarrrrnnnn....

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

He had the opportunity to do something big. Something like building the ship that could sail to the moon.But he stirred away from the dream and wish.Because someone told him that it was foolish.He always listened to everyone else.Everyone else except himself.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

A very wise person said that teachers experience burn outs during the first three years because they do not have enough time spaced out for themselves. That we are supposed to find our own self in the process.

I'm not entirely sure why but these few days have taken a toll on my physical, mental and emotional state of being. Burn Out and Hatred of Job!

I feel that I've failed sometimes, I feel that it is extremely hard to accept new opinions, I feel that I'm not really needed sometimes, I feel that I am placing too much pressure on them, I feel that I have not taught them enough and yes, I do feel under appreciated at times.

We, as teachers, are not supposed to crave for appreciation. True indeed and that is something I'm trying to deal with. Previously, I get acknowledged for my effort but now, it is sort of expected when in fact, we feel that we have given or are giving more than required.

Maybe what I need to do is sleep at 9pm like most teachers here. Lantaklah kau boleh bercakap or not, yang penting AKU cukup tidur.

Friday, May 15, 2009

I had quite a bad day today... I couldn't speak to my colleagues, tried calling a few close friends but none was reachable. I felt quite disappointed and devastated, up to a point that I wished I could ditch everything.

Then, I had a chat with two boys. Quite close ones. We talked crap but I felt much, much better during and after that half an hour. I remembered my late night sessions at La Zeez with Nabil and Acap, sipping on pseudo-mochas. How we did the same thing but we could talk about anything for hours. I walked away from the scene with a smile and it lasted until late night. Yes, they probably didn't do much but somehow, it meant a great deal to me.

Apparently, I don't need to go far for comfort. I don't even need to ask for it. My source of energy can be found anywhere if I look closely. Sometimes, in the least expected places.

*a wave to Mr Analyst-Consultant, good luck for tomorrow. Hope you nail the job*

Sunday, May 10, 2009

I am the kind of person who usually get what I want and I am so used to being pursued. I hate being terhegeh-hegeh. I hate chasing, I hate joining the run when I don't know about the end. I hate uncertainties.

But they say there comes a time in your life, when you suddenly change. Now, I feel like I'm in a pursuit of such and I kinda dread listening to my own thoughts sometimes. It's not exactly the most blissful thing in the world, to wait in vain. I don't really like the change and I'm afraid that I'll be bored of it. I sometimes cringe at my own actions, like.. enough already.

Those who are close to me know that I have a pet name among family members, Yen which actually is a shortened version of my original pet name (that will not be disclosed due to safety reason). It used to baffle people so much as it is seemingly an uncommon name. But heck.. What's in a name?

Much, I must say. For example, I feel weird of someone calls me Shirin. It might take me a few minutes to register that it is directed to or meant for me. Well, only Puan Roffini who taught me Maths in Form 3 calls me Shirin, reason being "Shirin" suits me better than "Ana" (yeah, gets to me too!). I still love Puan Roffini though because I thought she put in an effort to analyse what suits me.

So, in turn I remember Puan Roffini until now and often wonder what happened to her. In contrast to her, I used to hate teachers who can't remember students' names because I think it showed that they don't care much. NOW, I know how hard it is actually. Students now usually have 2 or 3 first names and I always ask them what should I call them. Usually, it's the second name that they are familiar with.

But imagine, in my Form 1 Astronomi class, we have 4 Hanifs. To make my job easier, we gave the 4 Hanifs nicknames which are Mr H, Abe, Anip and Iwan. In 4 Ibnu Sina, there's another Hanif who is close friends to Husni and you might have guessed by now that I always switch their names around. They are borderline redha by now..

But it's not just me who is having this problem. If possible, I want my students to address me as Miss Ana and these kids are finding it quite hard to change from Teacher Ana. People, it's wrong to call me Teacher Ana. We don't call an engineer as Engineer Leman or an accountant as Accountant Hamid. We call them Miss, Mr or Mrs. Why the sudden weird exception for teachers?

Another Malaysian culture that is die hard is the "Sir" attached to names. Addressing someone as "sir" per se is fine in a school context as it is widely used in UK and some parts of USA but we don't call someone as "Sir Khalid" unless the Queen bestowed the title upon them. It's a privilege given to a chosen few, not 3000 guys around Malaysia. Us, teachers should be more cautious about that.

So save me the pain and headache, call me Miss Ana. Not "teacher" because like how you want me to remember your name, I'd like it for you to do so too.

*okay.. trivia time.. who can tell what was the original name that my mum wanted to give me? I'd give you chocolates.. tempting, right?*

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

100 days have passed since Barack Obama has been inaugurated as the President of USA and his performance, undoubtedly, has been scrutinised by all. It is a huge responsibility for the man as he has been eagerly embraced as an agent of change all around the world.

As far as I've read and am currently aware of, Obama has introduced quite well crafted policies focusing on a more human-centred health care programme that doesn't leave people as sickos, establishing security without inciting fear through the abolishment of Guatanamo Bay and inhumane interrogation strategies, a slowed down yet proactive economy system and a strong emphasis on green, new energy. These policies are developed and drafted by a think tank of carefully selected personnel who are either Democrats or Republicans traveled widely or spent their childhood outside America. It makes the government a United Nations in its own right, understanding and emphatising with people or issues they are dealing with.

Heck, the man even appeared on Jay Leno Show! Kau rasalah Dato Seri Najib Tun Razak nak tak masuk that AC Di Sini show? I think I can cut my.. errr.. my students' fingers if he did (Okay, siapa nak selamatkan maruah Miss Ana kalau terjadi?) He also quite rightfully paid a visit to Hugo Chavez, approached cheering crowds and avid fans (read: Sarkozy) all over Central Europe although he is yet to strike a note in Asia (exception to the rally down to Iraq and Afghanistan). However, do note that Hillary Clinton as the Secretary of State flew down to China and then Indonesia during her first trip, thus acknowledging the current government's awareness of what or who is important. China as its position as the next economy powerhouse and Indonesia as the house of largest number of Muslims (250 million and counting...)

Though I have this curious feeling that his election period was more engaging and promising than his current administrating stint. I wish that the Palestine-Isreal issue will be dealt with the same depth as the Afghans, that education policies can be clarified on whether teachers are rewarded based on merit or tenancy and more importantly, a serious look into the "No Child Left Behind" policy that has, as a matter of fact, caused a 30% hike on the number of dropouts since Bush 43's administration. Also a serious talk with Ahmedinejad. Yes, N.E.E.D it. Who am I to tell Obama what to do but I sure wish I could. That is a small hope but I'm sure that feeling is shared by a myriad of people who wants change to be a strong part of their life.

Obama has 1000 days more to go, so we are only at his first 100 metres of 1000 metres race. Only when he has completed the whole yard we can tell whether the man comes out as winner or loser. As with long distance race, we start slow and speed up towards the end. The race is still going on...

I haven't had the opportunity to go back to KL and laze for more than 4 days. Even so, whenever I do go back, my days start as early as 8am and ends at 3am. Even worst than my working days, sometimes...

So during the long weekend recently, I have learnt to drive which is a pretty big deal to me (Aha! Aha!) And guess what? I love driving! I don't know what I was so afraid of. It's like a breeze through the air and I learnt to drive Nabil's manual Wira. It was a great one hour for me (I don't know about Nabil though, maybe he was crossing his fingers that I won't bump into a divider). Still have to work out on manouvering though, quite hopeless with it. Tried driving our auto Gen-2, it's definitely easier but I feel I get a kick out of manual cars (waaah, statement gitu!)

I also managed to go to 2 weddings including Acap's sister's. Kak Fakizah was soooo pretty that I envy her grace on that day. The parents looked elated too although I know they are extremely fatigued. Acap had to leave before the event ended as he had to rush to the airport because he had a test the next day. So we only had one and half hour to catch up and chill. So, that we did! We just sat at the Big Apple outlet in SAAS Airport and laughed our hearts out, basically talking about nothing over a dozen of donuts all sliced up into three parts as well as a cup of hot peppermint tea (obviously!). I say that is bliss, bois.

The Mother was quite busy during the weekend, a woman of her calibre is usually as such. I think she needs a PDA to organise her schedule. Yet still, she managed to find time to spring clean the house which ultimately resulted in the house being in temporary wreck. She was complaining that life was so much easier when I was around (yeah, mummy.. rub it in.. it doesn't sting). Now she feels like she has to do everything on her own. I wished my siblings were more understanding and could help out. Sometimes, I wish I could smack some sense into their heads. The middle child is always the best.. (What? No connection.. Still, I want to say it!)

Also met the darling Aimi after two months. Seeing her only made me miss my other girls moooooore. Durra was supposed to join us but some amuking hindered her from doing so. I shopped in Bangsar but didn't really find something I liked. Takpa, when we meet in June, we are going the paint the town red, yellow, green and blue. Got a hold on Joe Flizzow's President which was very hard to find either in Kuantan or KL. Hung out at Devi's, got free bubur kacang (maybe because regular customer yang dah lama tak nampak, kasih sayang melimpah ruah gitu) and then, head down to Chawan to have the unbelievably awesome nasi lemak bungkus.

I also did another thing I haven't done in quite some time, it was good to just let loose and be lost in it. I felt euphoric for that brief period (pardon the sudden indirectness, get the hint if you can... lalala). However, I didn't manage to catch up with MFG as we were both quite occupied and our schedule just clashed all the way. Owh well, next time perhaps.. June is drawing near... Can't wait to be back :)

Monday, April 20, 2009

Another addition to the book-turned-movie trend is the adaptation of the chic-lit “He’s Just Not That Into You” which I think would result in a box office as it perfectly casts the Queen of Owh-Dear-Imagine-The-Rejection-She-Has-To-Handle, Jennifer Aniston. Yeah, being dumped for Angelina Jolie does make good sense but if you’re bestowed with an abundance of hawtness elements yourself, it would be hard to swallow the fact that you can get dumped at all. I used to say to myself, three good looking people in a relationship is just too crowded (no matter what Vicky Cristina Barcelona is trying to tell me)

I don’t remember ever reading the book (yup, I’m pretty confident because I think I would have gagged myself to death going through even half of it) but I know about the most crucial knowledge that slipped itself into the knowing through this book. The getting rejected through 5 different technologies. That translated would be that he doesn’t reply your text messages, your facebook message, your IMs, your phone calls and your e-mails. Okay, missing one, two or three even might mean that the guy is terribly absent minded but ALL five? You gotta kidding me, huh?

But think about it, girls (pardon the directive pronoun). What if you get messages through 5 different ways to remind you that “hey, I like you… why don’t you keep in touch with me?” Wouldn’t you be in the slightest way, urrmm… afraid? Of course I would. Yeah, so I’m not a commitment phobic (heh!) but even I felt a tingle of discomfort. Don’t you think we’re being a bit unfair towards our opposite sex then?

Well, maybe it’s not his fault that he’s not just that into us. Have you ever reflected on yourself and thought how scary you can be? How crazy you sound with 5 different ways of reminding him of your existence?

I say, lay low ladies (errmm.. yes, only in one sense of the word, please)... Give your man a break. Maybe he is into you but you turned it otherwise with all those over-analysing syndrome that only we, women possess. Like what one of my girls used to say, Men are very simple creature, don't make them complicated for our sake :)

Monday, March 30, 2009

Is it possible to have the same feelings for all students? To treat them all equally? I have been warned not to fall into the trap many, many times before by my lecturers who have noted this occurence especially among new teachers..

Easily identified as teacher's pets, students in this category is loved by certain teachers for their personality and attitude. For me, I find it very hard not to prefer students who thinks like me or share the same interest with me. I mean, come on, even mums have favourites among their kids. What more, me? The one who can choose between the hundreds here. Though, I tried not to make it too obvious.

Evidently, there are a few students whom I keep on mentioning in my daily conversation with The Mother. The Mother then warned me that I should make sure that no one else feels that I have this preference.

My students, I love you all although I do love some of you a teeny weeny bit more... Maybe it's your difference or your similarities with me but it's you being you that makes this bond special. There is no need to change yourself or be something else, your natural self is comfort to all of us.

(what's with the freaking philosophical ending? Myssteryyyyyy guy, you should know I'm actually typing this real late at night.. hahaha)

A student passing by in front of koperasi and peeking into the room. Thinking that he might need something, I asked him this:Me: What are you looking for?Student: I'm looking forward, teacher (sambil jalan menuju ke hadapan membiarkan daku terpinga-pinga)

A student complaining that he is hungryMe: Why don't you go and buy something?Student: My money tertinggal..... (long pause) in the bank, teacher.

A student who is in my debate team came straight to me with a cheeky smileStudent: Is it hot in here or is it just you?

Guano! It will be hard to stay stoic and keep a straight face with these kinds of joke...

I have been slumped with endless job since I've started working and the main reason behind all these extra work has been because "You are unmarried thus you don't have commitment yet". Just so you know, my plans to raid KL this weekend which I have been anticipating since last week has to be cancelled due to notice given yesterday that I have to handle a motivation camp for students. Jumaat nak buat, Isnin baru bitau... Yeah, I'm single so I surely have no plans or a life!

How ridiculous, no? I thought single people have more commitment and thus should be given more time to explore things (if you know what I mean). We only have a few years left before we are also chained down to the commitment they all speak of with fear now. If we don't socialise now, when should we? When we have 3 kids running around our tables every night?

I think this is an unfair treatment! I strongly feel that single people should have extra holidays! I will advocate this to NUTP!

Okay, I will mellow down now. I will just go and do what they ask me to do, including sleeping in tents even though I used to ask my mum to write exemption letters for me whenever I had to attend any seriously increduluous motivation camps while I was in school. You think my mum can still do that for me now?

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

"May I a small house and large garden have,And a few friends, and many Books, both true,Both wise, and Both delightful too."

Abraham Cowley, 1618-1667 (English Poet)

Hold up, this man is supposed to be dead now? Gosh, I lost my soul mate already!

Coincidentally, we share the same dreamslah, Mr Cowley. Cowley was an intellect, royal spy and renowned doctor of his time. I am probably partially all that plus a bit more (apa gelak-gelak? true what??! oklah, i pun join gelak juga.. hahahaha). Yet, the both of us don't look to get a lot of things in our life, just what makes us happy enough. For me, I only seek a comfortable life with my family and keep the small number of friends I have retained in my life for more than 10 years now. And also to read as many books as I can. Both wise, both delightful..

And he's has been dead for about 300 years now. So apparently all the good guys are either taken, gay or dead... Better keep all the good men you have securely.

Guilty as charged, I haven't been updating my blog. Namely because I haven't been well for quite some time, both physically and mentally. But as with the purpose of a blog, I should keep it running or else, just shut it down (which was what I have been considering for a while).

Just so it's out and clear, I have been teaching in a integration boarding school in Kuantan for almost a month now. You shouldn't have any trouble trying to figure out which one it is because there's only one SBPI here. The school has a fairly new concept as I've found it tricky to pin it down in the beginning too. The school as the GPK1 has emphasised is "bukan sekolah agama tapi sungguh macam sekolah agama". So you get the idea of how it's run. The school has great, dedicated teachers and staff plus a myriad of bright students. This is in total contrast with the school I've been to during my practicum stint. To adapt, I act in a different manner, behave very differently and dress up differently which leads me to ask myself in the mirror, "who the heck are you?"

But I should still be thankful, no? Well, I tell myself every morning that I should be. But with every occurrence happening in my life that I have no control over, I feel helpless and invariably experience a major want to just ditch things. Not leaving my students, mind you but to be able to be with my loved ones when they need me or when I need them. True to form, some of them might not need me in the sense of the word but I would love to be able to see them when they relate their pain, joy or sorrow.

It has lead to many sleepless nights where I just lock myself in my room and complete my work or read to get my mind off things. Luckily, my students is the thing that keeps me going here. They're really into learning and seem to cherish their English Language lessons. A boy from my Form 4 class had this short conversation with me at the last minutes of my class with them.

Hafiz: Teacher, next teacher takda.. you can continue teaching. Ana: But I have a class now in 1 AstronomiHafiz: Ala, teacher... but we'll miss you laaar.

And that in itself is a steady motivation for me. I hope that I will get better with time and circumstances. Wish me more of well slept nights, people.

In The Pineapple is

I write because I love to *I don't expect you to agree with me although respecting my perspective would definitely help* *I think we are all born to bring a difference to the world, so choose what you wanna change* *Don't just succumb to the masses because you deserve a niche* *Admitting yourself on the spontaneous express is essential*
*Let your love come out if you believe*