A blog about everything on my mind.

iForget

We all have things in our lives that we really want to forget. For instance, that first kiss that went terribly wrong because he ate an onion-cream cheese bagel for lunch. Or that time when you were trying to be funny, and you said something so stupid, you still kick yourself for it. Those days when you’re standing in the shower, remembering something you once said, saying it out loud and then saying something else you would have said instead.. Well, I think every one of us wishes there was such thing as a rewind button in our lives to start over.

But maybe it wasn’t your fault. Maybe this time, you really can’t forget what happened, and you’re really trying to let it go. You try convincing yourself, talking yourself out of what really happened. You don’t want to talk about it, because it hurts more.
But it did happen, and there’s nothing you can do to change it.

By not talking about it, you’re holding all your feelings inside, bottling it all up. The hurt turns to sadness, then to regret, then to guilt, then to anger, then to nothing. You think you can’t feel anything anymore, but you know what? Deep inside, you still do.

I’ve learned through experience that by trying to bury something (literally), it won’t make you forget.
So I’m going to tell you how I’ve learned how to forget the things that either hurt me so badly, embarrassed me or scared me.

You don’t forget. You remember, and you face the things you want to run away from.

I had a huge falling out with a friend months ago. I swore I’d never speak to her again, and being the type of person who has never hated anybody ever, I hated her so much. And the hate was so buried deep inside of me, I was pushing away all the great things I could have experienced instead.
So I tried burning pictures, burning clothes, burning diary pages, deleting/blocking… everything that could possibly make me remember this person that hurt me so bad.
For a while, I was fine. At least I thought I was. I met new friends, we had great times together, and I managed to forget temporarily what happened.

And then a tragedy struck. You can lie to your mind, but you can’t lie to your heart.
And at that point, my heart burst and threw up everything I had ever felt. At that moment, that split second, I realized it wasn’t over, and that I hadn’t forgotten anything.
It was worse, because it had taken me so long to realize it, and under the circumstances, I felt powerless. I was scared, angry, and confused.

So I wrote to her. I wrote everything I felt deep inside. And I surprised myself: I told her I forgave her, and I did.

I’m not saying forgiveness = forgetting. In fact, it’s completely the opposite, because in order to forgive, you need to remember everything.
But in order to forget, you need to remember. You need to face your fears, in your own time, and make yourself realize that you can do better, life goes on and you’ll be happy.

I feel peace inside me, like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest and I can breathe.