I just don’t have enough going on in my life these days, so I’ve been on the prowl for a new project to keep me from getting bored. I made a run at an apartment complex a couple of months ago, to be called Curbside Classic Manor, but it fell through. My plans to require tenants to all drive Curbside Classics just wouldn’t fly, especially once the tenants got wind of the plans. But then I heard that Jerry’s Hot Rod Grill out in Florence at the coast went out of business, so I’ve taken the plunge. The restaurant business is a license to print money, right? Now I just need to do a bit of remodeling….

You can see the problem…cars from the fifties are soooo yesterday. And a pink ’60 Cadillac, no less. No, the general idea is good, but the cars need to change.

Well, this ’53 Chevy might get a reprieve. It’s not really in the same league as the rest of them, and it is my birth year. But if I could find a ’53 Tatra T-600, then it’s outa’ here.

The tri-five Chevies have had their day; they’re obviously not drawing a crowd anymore. Time to head to the scrapyard and cut off the noses of some real Curbside Classics: an early Toyota van, a Plymouth Volare, a Dodge Colt, and a Canadian ’77 Chevy Bel Air come to mind. But I’m open to suggestions…

One of those Chebbies can stay; which will it be? The ’61, I’d say; but it’ll have to be re-trimmed as a Biscayne with dog dishes, and some acid thrown on that shiny paint. And a VW Samba, next to it. A Peugeot 404, for sure. And how about a Triumph Vitesse, to round out the front row?

Nice, but it still can’t hold a candle to a ’50 Studebaker front end.

Needs to be a Corvair crashing through here; upside down, at that. And rather than crashing out, let’s have it be crashing in. More realistic.

And a brown Datsun 810 would be the right thing to replace the Caddy. This is Oregon, and the 21st Century, after all. Or maybe a an old Toyota pickup…

This is too old school too.

I’m seeing lots of VW buses with their tops cut off, and their seats turned to face each other to make booths. With all-natural hemp upholstery, of course. The menu? Vegan and gluten free is hot with one crowd here, but then I’m going to have to put up every generation of Prius and Bio-diesel Mercedes on the roof. Grass-fed beef burgers, sweet-potato fries and micro-brews is the way to go; we’ll brew up our own too: “30-Weight Porter”, “Diesel Delight” “Radiator Red”, “Tercel Terror”.

By the time you read this, we’ll be open. So here’s another reason to take that trip out to Ory-gun that you’ve found so many excuses for postponing, indefinitely.

And I’ve found another building just down the highway, for Tom to take over. It’ll be “Tom’s Brougham Burgers”, featuring Iowa-style chicken-fried steak and tenderloin. I’m not sure how well that’ll go over out here, but with a line up of pouffy-top broughams up on the roof, and the booths covered in finest mid-70s Cadillac fabrics (he’s hiring Carmine as his interior decorator), how can it not be a huge success? The hot rod era is dead, the Curbside Classic Century has arrived.

Once again, Paul’s perverted sense of humor on display. Replace ’50s and ’60s Americana with Triumph Vitesses and brown Datsuns? I would personally drive out to Oregon to blow the place up if that were done. But if there were deep fried Twinkies to be had I might reconsider.

Grass fed beef, free range chicken, and whole milk is the only way to go. For variety, and to attract those finicky folks from flyover country, steak fingers wrapped in bacon, dipped in batter, and deep fried will be your biggest seller.

Okay… to attract the vegetarian clientele, you would need to replace the ’49 Ford with a Prius, or maybe I could donate a surplus bicycle. The trick would be to find a Prius that isn’t still on the road. If you change your mind and decide to stick with the vintage decor, an old Citroen would be appropriate.

Personally, I find Tom’s Brougham Burgers pretty intriguing. You could use a little calendar to keep a running tab of your customers; so many days since a customer’s heart attack. Maybe a subtle Elvis theme? Customers over the age of 42 eat at half price on Sundays?

I can see why Jerry’s Hot Rod Grille failed – when he put the 1953 license plate on the 54 Chevy, he blew his cred and everyone stayed away. If he gets the cars wrong, how can the fries possibly be any good?

Just fix the plate, then wire all of the turn signal lights to flash in a sort of a chaser effect, and you are good. OK, maybe record a Chevy starter to grind every hour like a grandfather clock. Really, is there a better use for those Chevys? I think not.

We should probably tell them that I am negotiating on the pastry shop next door, to be called the StudeBaker. Stop in on a Lark. In a hurry? Avanti! – that’s our motto. We watch our quality like a Hawk. We entered several area baking contests, and always emerged as Champion. Come by this evening for donuts in the parking lot. I’ll stop now.

If a car is going to be on fire, make it a Ford Pinto.
If a car is going to crash through a wall, make it a VW Microbus/Transporter.
If a vehicle is going to be turned into a grill, make it a Nissan Van/Kia Besta.
If a car is going to have its seats turned into benches, take ones from a full-sized FoMoCo product for the 1960s-1970s.
The tables should be from assorted junkyard conversion vans, RVs, & campers.
The menu should have many meat-filled, gluten-free choices (gluten sensitivity).
The door handles should be made from assorted steering wheels.
The light shades should resemble ricers.
The fans should resemble car rims.
The ceiling tiles should be printed with images of various old car brochures.
The counter should be covered in faux aluminum appliqué.
The lights should be made from assorted side markers, headlights, & taillights.
The windows should be able to roll down.
The plates & bowls should be made of dog dish hubcaps & Rally I rims.
The upholstery for the seats & benches should come from old cars & car restoration sources.
Need I say more?

Start an organic brewery & winery there & call it “Drinking Under the Influence of Automobiles” (DUI Automobiles Brewery & Winery). Advertisement could be sold on Jalopnik. How do you think that would sell?

Instead of flat screen TV’s on the wall Brougham Burger has 25″ Curtis Mathis Mediterranean console TV’s on the floor and green fuzzy textured wallpaper on the walls (which goes nicely with the avocado and gold linoleum on the floor).

Drove by that place lots of times, but for some reason never ate there…… guess I’ll have to now. (Haven’t been to Florence in a while, though.) Hey – I’ll even let you use my on-line forum nom de plume for a catchy name… “Krash Kadillak’s Hot Rod Grill”

All the food would be bland and uninspired with varying levels of poor quality and consistency. Portions would be smaller than the older restaurants and most customers would leave hungry but the prices would be higher and they would never want to return.

I’ve been to the Quaker Steak in Sharon maybe 15-20 years ago. There’s another somewhere near Pittsburgh that I ate at. Maybe in Robinson Twp. Also, there was one in Youngstown last time I drove there, never ate there, however.