True Blood Recap: Christopher Meloni Lays Down the Law (and Order)

Those of you who haven’t already seen this week’s True Bloodwill probably want to heed this ginormous SPOILER ALERT! warning and put off reading this recap for now. The rest of you, fangs out and dive in!

Gotta hand it to Christopher Meloni — the guy knows how to make an entrance. Looking for all the world like the kind of sharp-dressed man that ZZ Top once immortalized in song, the erstwhile Stabler made his True Blood debut Sunday as Roman, the Authority’s grandest of Grand Poobahs, threatening to stake our heroes, Bill and Eric, and revealing that it’s vampires who were created in God’s image, not humans. But, of course, we had miles to go before we got to his big scene. First…

TARA PITCHED A HISSY | After Pam ordered her progeny not to put the bite on Sookie or Lafayette, the newly minted fanger responded by trashing Gran’s house (which, by now we know, must happen at least once every season). Later, Lafayette — thinking for some reason that he and Sook made a mistake by having Tara turned into a monster — contemplated staking his cousin. Though Sook talked him out of it, Tara proved that no good deed goes unpunished by vowing never to forgive either of them and taking off into the night.

SAM AND LUNA BROKE UP | Alcide royally ticked off Martha by refusing to either partake of the all-you-can-eat-of-Marcus buffet or become the pack’s new master. Yet Sam and Luna were still allowed to leave without becoming side dishes. After Martha popped by Luna’s to plead for visitation rights with her granddaughter, however, the lovebirds had a knock-down drag-out. Sam argued that maybe Martha was right — that Emma would need guidance from fellow lycanthropes if she turned out to be a werewolf, not a shifter. Luna countered that a) he could get the hell out, and b) her little girl is NOT, NOT, NOT a werewolf! Which, natch, by episode’s end, it turned out she was — and an adorable puppy version of one, too!

IN THE SHOW’S 207 OTHER STORYLINES | Steve came out publicly as a vampire but remained closeted as a gay vampire. Which did not deter him in the slightest from trying to buy Jason’s rock-hard butt from Jessica, who delighted in stringing the reverend along before rejecting his offer. In flashbacks — all the way back to 1905, to be exact — Eric rescued Pam, then a madam, from the San Francisco version of Jack the Ripper. Recovering addict Andy found a vial of V in Debbie’s abandoned car but turned it over to Jason. (Damn, that Holly is a good influence on him!) After being slugged by a kid whose married mom he didn’t even remember boffing, Jason again tried to kiss and make up with Hoyt. Well, not kiss, but make up, at least. He even offered to let Hoyt move into his bachelor pad to get him away from his mother, who was secretly so thrilled that the himbo had broken up her boy and Jessica that she promised to bake him a pie. Finally, not long after Arlene decided that she’d had enough of her hubby’s nightmares and flashbacks, Terry decided that he had, too, and revealed to Patrick what he thought was causing them: A fellow war vet — Eller, presumably our firebug — wasn’t dead.

AND FINALLY | Having been recaptured by the Authority, Bill, Eric and Nora were taken to Dr. Evil’s lair. At least that was what it looked like. There, frenemies Bill and Eric were tortured with everything from UV lights to liquid silver, but to their credit, they didn’t rat each other — or Nora — out. Finally, Roman showed up at a council meeting attended by a Who’s Who of character-actor types (including slap-happy Salome, Barb from Cougar Town and the equivalent of the Anointed One from Buffy) and, Communion style, served them all shots of the blood of Lilith, the vampire who predates Adam and Eve in the Original Testament of the Bible. It was looking like curtains for the trio in trouble — not so much because of Roman’s short fuse or Nan’s murder but because they were suspected of being fundamentalists who oppose a peaceful coexistence with humans — until they revealed that Russell was alive… and on the loose… and, were they to be spared, even temporarily, they could neutralize that threat. Meanwhile, that threat himself, while still bedridden, was seen for the first time. Not exactly looking fresh as a daisy — more like a Real Housewife of Bon Temps right after a face-lift — but the implication was clear: Russell was being fed, regularly, and getting stronger by the minute.

So what did you think? Did Meloni get your pulse racing? Were you happy to see Russell again? Is Emma not an even cuter werewolf than Taylor Lautner? Sound off below.