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Jonesing All Over the Place…

Tag Archives: Detroit Lions

HEYOOO! See what I did there?!?! Fucking clever as shit. You’re welcome, World.

Amidst the tropical storm that is the myriad of controversies occurring in the sports world right now, I’ve decided to tackle the embattled Lions star first. Also, I used a lot of big words in that last sentence and I’m not positive they all worked…we’ll find out at the monthly grammar review. Let us now turn our attention to the Detroit Lions and star defensive tackle, Ndamukong Suh. First and foremost, I’m going to go ahead and apologize for misspelling his name for the rest of the post because let’s face it…that first name is just ridiculous. Not ridiculous in a “I’m insulting his family’s culture and choice” way but more in a “there’s no way I’m gonna refer back to wikipedia every single time I need to use his name in this post” way…which is already like 10 or 15 times. So, without further comedic delay, let us address “Sue”.

There has a been a huge huge huge emphasis on minimizing not just hurtful plays but also any plays that are deemed reckless by the commish this season. Cro Jones’ official stance is that the NFL has gone soft. Let players tackle the quarterback, yea protect his head and all that but don’t flag every big hit just because a QB is involved. Also, stop arbitrarily fining players for random occurrences that naturally come about during the pace of a football game. I’ve seen more fines this year than ever…and most of them are for inadvertent facemasks or aggressive holding calls…it’s absurd. LET THE PLAYERS PLAY. STOP FINING PLAYERS FROM YOUR IVORY FUCKING TOWER FOR NO DAMN REASON. This has happened all over the league not just with my beloved Patriots…there needs to be more discretion everywhere. However, Noodleking Sue is a different story.

The entire Detroit Lions team lacks discipline and this has been made very evident in the last few weeks of the season but Nadakong Sur is the worst offender of all. Nachocheese Soup has been fined time after time after time by Roger Goodell and he even requested a meeting with the commish in order to review his play and see what he was doing wrong. What you’re doing wrong?!?! Nadacooz, every time you sack a QB you try to twist his head off…literally snap his neck assassin style. Not to mention the litany of allegations that you bite, pinch, twist, kick, poke and everything else every single time there’s a pile up at the line of scrimmage. MahnaMahna is a dirty player plain and simple and the entire nation got a glimpse of that when he tried to curbstomp Evan Dietrich-Smith on Thanksgiving Day. Homeboy got suspended for two games and proceeded to get his damn self into a serious car accident two days later so let’s see if NumaNuma Yay can avoid the wrath of the NFL on that one.

In summation, I’d like to say that I do enjoy the Detroit Lions…but I do not root for Nudorama Suck. Also, I’d like to mention to our readers that I deserve a medal for not linking to an American History X clip on the word curbstomp…you’re welcome.

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So, due to this powerful, powerful woman named Irene coming to town I really don’t have a lot to do tonight. So I’m going to do my own version of a live blog/game diary of the third and final Patriots preseason game against the Lions. I’ll be watching and blogging throughout the game, I’ll just keep updating whenever the mood strikes me. I may just delete this if it doesn’t work but if it does…let me know….and as always, I love you.

FIRST QUARTER:

Right off the bat we have a nice awkward moment where Leslie Visser asks Jim Schwartz if she can call him “Schwartz-ie”. Which, coincidentally, is my opening line to girls at the bar.

When it’s all said and done who is gonna have a better career, Calvin or Bethel Johnson?

Devin McCourty gets burned twice on the opening drive by Nate “why do you keep calling me a deep threat?” Burleson…not a good sign.

Ochocinco gets Goldberg speared and called for offensive pass interference…Dan Dierdorf awkward gurgling chuckle number one on the game.

Brady gets murked…I vomit in a fit of anxiety.

Jerome Harrison, remember him? Dude had like 6,000 yards in two weeks a couple years back for the Browns.