Jokes & Nonsenses about Japanese History Revisionists & Right-Wing Politicians

compl. by Zhang Donglin

NOTE:
Some of the following "jokes" are actually based on Japanese publications.They are so "real" that they can only be read as "jokes."

A Friendly Japanese

How courteous is the Japanese;
He always says, "Excus it, please."
He climbs into his neighbor's garden.
And smiles, and says, "I beg your pardon;"
He bows and grins a friendly grin,
And calls his hungry family in;
He grins, and bows a friendly bow;
"So sorry, this my garden now."

--Ogden Nash

Japan's Best Kept Secret

The Japanese officer in the Ministry of Education who commented that the Nanjing Massacre is "a minor incident" is sacked and remains in custody in the intelligence department.

The reason for his custody is not because of his politically incorrect comment but the fact that he has revealed one of Japan's best kept secrets: there was "a major incident" no one knows!

Comparing to that one, killing 300,000 Chinese in Nanjing is just no big deal!

Okinawa Rape Case

The three US soldiers who raped a teenage girl in Okinawa are senetenced to death.

"Gang-raping a teenage girl is a serious crime in our country," Japan's Minster of Education commented. "It is too bad that they couldn't rape more than 20,000 women. Otherwise it can become a 'minor incident' and will be regarded as a 'normal phenomena' according to our government."

Japan's Minister of Defence commented that the rape case shows that the Japanese military system is superior than the US's. He suggested that the US force should learn from the Japanese to establish "comfort stations" in Japan to prevent similar event from happening. The Japanese government will be very happy to provide its expertise and share its experience with the US.

Banzai! More US Soldiers Contracted Social Diseases From Our Brothels!

You won't believe this.

According to a Japanese report, the Japanese government secretly set up and run brothels for US armies after the War. They are proud of the result of spreading social diseases among US soldiers.

Signposts for Japanese

Under the pressure of ongoing protests of its angry neighbours, the Japanese government decided to give away copies of Richard Halloran's Japan: Images and Realities (Tokyo: Charles E. Tutle Co., 1969) to play down its responsibility for the Nanjing Massacre and other atrocities.

After praising the orderly and virtuous Japanese society, Halloran explained the reason of the Massacre:

The ethical guidelines and the rigid code of social behaviour in Japan come from society itself, not from the inner man.... [If he is outside it,] he is lost. Because Japanese society is unique, outside it the Japanese has few signposts to show him the way.

That's why they behaved worst than animals and committed all those crimes in other countries.

Everybody in Japan are happy about the explanation but it created an unexpected blow to Japanese tourist industry. Tourist agents around the world suddenly demand higher charges to Japanese tourists to cover a huge but "unique" expense. They have to make lots of signposts and put them around all tourist spots for their Japanese clients:

"Thou shalt not kill!"
"Thou shalt not rape!"
"Thou shalt not loot!"

A Chinese Poet as An A-Bomb

In 1972, Tanaka Kakuei went to China to establish diplomatic relation between the two countries. Instead of apologising for the War, he only said sorry about "the toubles".

The Chinese were angry. So Mao gave him a collection of poems by an ancient poet called Qu Yuan. Tanaka accepted the gift but was puzzled by Mao's intention. And none of his colleagues could explain.

There is a witty story behind it.

It happened in the 50s when two Chinese scholars flew to Japan to attend a peace conference. To kill time on the plane they challenged each other of giving a name of a Chinese poet which could properly explain the reason for Japan's surrender.

One said "Su Wu" which could mean Soviet military; but the other said "Qu Yuan" which could mean "succumb to atomic bomb".

And Qu Yuan's works is the best gift to those arrogant but stupid Japanese who refuse to face their past.

Don't Blame the General. Blame the Whole Army!

A loyal disciple of Class A war criminal General Matsui Iwane, Mr Massaki Tanaka, tried to white-wash the General's role in the Nanjing Massacre. At the beginning, the pacifists were outraged and the right-wing nationalists welcome his work.

Matsui Iwane is innocent and should not be held responsible, Tanaka argued. Why? Because the army was out of his control. Yes, all those terrible things happened and Matsui knew everything. He was upsetted by the behaviour of his troop commanders therefore he was not one of them... So this is Mr Tanaka's argument.

The pacifists now laughed into tears and the right-wingers were furious: Tanaka, you bagayaro! You were actually exposing and blaming the entire Imperial army!

Don't Blame the Army. Blame the General!

A former Japanese soldier who took part in the Massacre tried to deny the atrocities.
Instead of claiming the whole thing is a lie or the atrocities never happened, he argued in this way:

They were ordered to slaugther some 150,000 Chinese PoWs but they didn't carry it out. So, there was no atrocities.

But the general did order the killing of the PoWs, right? Well, that is his responsibility. Don't smear mud on His Majesty's Imperial Army!

(In fact, he did carry out the order according to his dairy which he happened to "forget" when making the claim.)