humor: Ski Season -- are you ready?

Received from Andychap's The Funnies
http://www.egroups.com/list/andychaps_the-funnies/
Exercises to get you prepared for Ski season:
16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in
freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar
bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer
after every use.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your
head before you go to bed each night.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue
smeared on the lenses.
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill. Do it NOW.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in
your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles.
Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them
with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to
run into you at high speed.
7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger.
Be sure you are in the longest line.
8. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a
motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a
snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the
spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it
melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to
take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
1. Repeat all of the above every weekend
until it's time for the real thing!
Submitted by: Derek Wallace @ iquest.net
Posted From: ORACLE SERVICE HUMOR MAILING LIST
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Thanks also to the FUNNY-BONE
http://www.spunge.org/funny-bone
Submitted by STDKSH11,
circulated by daily humor@map.com
The Wrong Arm Of The Law?
================================
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative
defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and
removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and
I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an
offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence
the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany
it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb,
laid it on the bench, and walked out.