Brothers, openness, intimacy.

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urquhardt: I wanted to ask a question to forum members with brothers who are approximately the same age as they are. I know this has been done in the "is he bigger", "is he jealous" vein, but my question is more to do with general attitudes about openness and bodies.

The one thing I missed badly as I was growing up was a brother. As an only child, with only female cousins, and no uncles I had only my schoolfriends to talk to about my size as I was coming to terms with it. There is a "window" that occurs in every teenagers life when you can talk about such things with your male friends. I suppose it's the time between when such talk would be considered "gay" and the time such talk would be considered "immature". Anyway, that window lasted all too short a time for me, at least in my opinion.

I saw many of my friends with brothers that were within a year or three of their own age and I envied them. As a teenager is discovering his sexuality, I think the thing he yearns for is to discover a friend who shares exactly the same curiosities and anxieties about size, performance, puberty and sex. I assumed (perhaps wrongly) that my friends with brothers automatically had just such a companion, with the added advantage that genetics had made them alike, so that subtler differences in developing physiology could be compared with a similar baseline. I thought it would be like having someone who was like me in a way even well-meaning friends could never be (and for whom such questions need not be tainted by the fear they were "gay").

But, I've gotten to thinking: is this true? I'd like to ask you kind folk if my envy of men with brothers is worth it. As you were progressing through your teens and early 20s, were your brothers men with whom mutual nakedness was not an issue? Would you ever discuss size? Would you measure or compare? Would seeing one another with an erection be a matter for embarrassment or mirth? What about jerking off? Did any of you share any intimacy in that way (without a hint of homosexuality in it) as a way of learning about yourselves?

I had one particular friend, a good one, who had what I'd call a dick-fixation. Naturally he worshipped the ground I walked on, and this was in the teenage days before I came to regard what I had as a burden rather than a blessing. So, anytime we were together, dicks would be the primary source of conversation. He had a brother who was only a year or two older than he, and he often described how they'd both be happy to lay on a bed and "examine" one another, measuring and touching. All without a hint of perversion or gayness. Just boys in their late teens getting to know their bodies.
I felt *really* bad about what he had. "If I had a brother", I thought, "he'd be going through what I'm going through now, and we could do the same thing".

Unlike other posts, I'm not at all interested if your brothers were more or less endowed than you are. I'm interested in knowing if, having a brother, that was more likely to give you someone with whom these predictable questions of adolescence could find some sympathy. Or, if a brother was the least likely person in all the world you were prone to "flop it out" to. I know that all families are different, but I thought you could tell me what was normal for yours

I have five brothers: two older, three younger. I shared a huge bedroom with my too older brothers, and it's kind of hard to do so without ever seeing each other naked! I've seen all my brothers naked, and it's no big deal. We're all very close and we've discussed penis size, getting laid, sexual preferences, whom we think is hot-looking, etc. And yeah, we've jerked off together. Growing up, my brothers were my best friends. To me, intimacy with them came more naturally than with school-mates. Seemed to me just a normal part of growing up in a large family.

i have two older brothers (one almost 7 years older and the other 3 years older) and one adopted (well sorta) that is 4 years younger. we are very close. in part because my dad travels alot...and the bro's were to look after the little guyz. the older two are and have been my super heroes...i grew up trying to keep up with them. they taught me to play my heart out in any sport but don't take losing seriously...that diligence and scholarship was important. AND it was sooo cool to have big high school studs cheering me and my team on.

my brothers, and i grew up bike touring, camping (public showers sometimes), skinny dipping, and just walking in on a brother (or cousin) nude, erect or jerking off and a few times screwing. no big deal, you just mumble and back out. we learned about sex at school, around the kitchen table (if we were not too graphic), and for clarification from an older brother or a parent. why so open? in the early 1990's AIDS killed and was killing many colleagues and coworkers of my mom, and the parents were terrified that one of us would become infected...so they hoped education and open discussion would provide understanding and protection. the parents did not believe abstinence would work with their horny dudes.

I have a brother who is 4 years younger. As we were growing up we each had very different friends. I would never have considered talking about anything personal with him and we certainly werent J.O. buddies
My friends and I were very casual about nudity and knew and discussed very personal things. We experimented and went thru alot of changes together.
It is the closeness that develops with sharing personal experiences that is important. Whether it is a brother or a buddy is imaterial.
One friend got really hairy legs before anyone else, another was uncut and one guy a real shooter. We all benefitted by becoming comfortable with peculiarities

My half-brother and I were never really close. I suppose that's the breaks of having totally opposite personalities and interests. And that's okay. I did all my bonding with my single-parent mom actually. I didn't bake cookies or do stuff like that. It was just, you know, my mom was the person I could come to and talk about anything on my mind, good or bad. It was hilarious to think back on sex talks; she didn't really tell me anything I hadn't already figure out through my own research, and she simply asked that I not impregnate a woman.

Anywho, back to John. Like I said, we weren't close so other than hearing about his sexual conquests (and I would dismiss him), I didn't get much else an experience. We had to share a room for quite some time and the house was small, so I had seen him naked plenty. Reasonable build... average endowment, which I thought looked big. (What little did I know?)

He died after I graduated high school, and at last reckoning, he learned that I had a bigger dick than him. I gave him a little flack about it, but there wasn't much else to say.

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I have three brothers. Two are younger than me - one's ten years younger than me - and the other's seven minutes older than me. I'd always shared my room with the two older brothers until I moved out at 18.

And yeah, we discussed how we were growing, went skinny-dipping sometimes, and even jerked off together a few times. And no, mutual comparison isn't an issue, and yes, we do discuss size and related problems. Naturally, I've never done anything like this with my youngest brother, though he did see me naked several times and I explained penis size and pubic hair to him. (Just based on my other two brothers and father, I know he'll have the same size problems.)

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I had NO brothers nor, could I discuss sexual matters with my father, grandfather, or uncle who ALL lived with me. I distinctly remember asking my grandfather a question (when I was very young) "about different penis sizes in men". His reply was a classic:
--"they're ALL the same size".

I still laugh at that one!

Between the ages of maybe eight to eleven, I would have given anything to see another man naked just to better understand where I might be heading in the "size department". I never had that opportunity.

It wasn't until high school that I began seeing other guys' "sizes" which quickly disproved dear 'ole granddad's comment ;D But, I still did not have anyone to ask questions; talk about "guy stuff" and the like. High school was definitely NOT the place.

Your comments about a window of time for a boy to ask questions or, the inferred "fine line" of being considered "gay" should a young man even dare start talking about such matters is a good point you've made. I was scared to ask or seek conversation for that very reason...and, that was over thirty years ago.

I'm not so sure things have really changed today in that regard. Guys are so uncomfortable talking about sex, their bodies, or their feelings as men.

I had one high school acquaintance who kept insisting on our "checking one another out." Reluctantly, (and before he worried me to death about it), I finally consented. 'Nothing beyond a measuring comparison and a little mutual stimulation and it was all over. These kind of "sessions" between guys growing up is quite common I think--"chum sex" I've often heard it called. I genuinely believe it's no big deal, really...it does not MAKE a fella a homosexual. If honesty prevailed in the world, it would be more astounding at (probably) the LOW number of men who NEVER compared with another guy--instead of the other way around--the even larger number who actually have! Simply put, men just don't talk about it (or more precisely--ADMIT to it).

It all goes back to our "fear" of facing and accepting (as boys, adolescents, and, if we achieve it, --MEN)
that we're sexual beings and have issues which need addressing. It's not always easy for many guys living with a penis-- "growing it", learning to accept its size and "adjusting" to using it effectively. No, it's not all "instinctive" for many of us in growing up as men emotionally. Many boys need guidance, affirmation, and commaraderie with other guys. It sets the tone for them to become well adjusted men. But often,, if we dare ask or show any curiosity about sex, it becomes a fate almost mimicking death. We're suddenly labeled, ostracized from others, and terrible assumptions are often made then about our "orientation."

I've said it before---it's all such needless rubbish.

I for one believe my life would have been MUCH better (early on) to have had some other guys (brothers or even a father who gave a hoot) who would have given me some honest answers and help calm a growing boy's uncertainties and repressions. Generation after generation, far too many boys and young men have "hit the streets or hit the sheets" WAY before they're ready(emotionally and psychologically). I'll admit to being one of them. I finally found some answers the tough way.

Guys: (those here who are fathers or brothers)...
Are you REALLY Listening?

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xblokegb: Urquhardt.
I've never had a brother and my father wasn't around to offer the male perspective in growing up before, during or after puberty. He was mostly an absent parent firstly because of his work and secondly because of his attitude.

I think Benderten has said it all. I can only agree with him on his points. My own experiences along the lines that you speak have also been woefully lacking and as an adult when I have asked it has been met with some freaked out responses by and large.

I hope that this thread generates some useful responses for you.
XBloke.

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jaimie: I'm 16 and my brother is 14. We were best friends until our parents split. I went with Dad and he went with Mom and we live in different states now. He'll be moving here with Mom in July. We talked about almost everything and when he came to visit last summer, size came up, I'm big he isn't. I'm just hoping that our 2+ years apart will disappear once we're back together, well not in the same house together, but at least in the same city. We still talk on the phone a lot, but things are definitely different between us. Parent breakups can mess up the kids. We are happy that our parents aren't fighting anymore, but we miss our time growing up together an aweful lot.

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Td0t: I'm glad that urquhardt raised this question aswell. As I was growing up, I too longed to have a brother.

The only penile exerperience I can remember from my childhood was a shower with my two cousins that were 4 years older than me. I recall being amazed by their size, but the only penis related talk was about my foreskin. They were both circumcised and I remember them making fun of my penis. Now that I think about it, I must have had the first uncircumcised penis they had ever seen, so no wonder they thought it odd.

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Dick_Short: As the alias suggests, I'm notably UNhung. I used to see my brothers and father naked--always flaccid, I think--when I was quite young, but I don't believe I ever did after we boys reached puberty.

Urquhart, please do NOT believe that having brothers is an automatic ticket to intimacy; it ain't!

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My brother and I...well...
We werent necessarily close as people.
We were close in proximity though, sharing a room.
And, yes, it is impossible not to see eachother naked.

Yes, we jerked off in front of eachother, but it wasnt anything weird or incestuous. We would put a piece of masking tape on the floor and see who could shoot past it.
Stuff like that.
Yes, we talked about our sexuality and about everything else too.
Just part of growing up.
I never thought it was a special experience, until
i read this thread, and the thoughts of someone who did not have it.

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Ineligible: I managed to share a room with a brother until I was 21 without us ever seeing each other naked since puberty, except once when he thought I wasn't home and came out of the shower without the clothes we usually put on in there.

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Javierdude22: In part i guess i have the same situation going as Deeblackthorne. I have one brother, who is 6 years older than me. We used to do everything together as little kids, but after i started hitting puberty differences started to get very noticable, up to a point now where the only thing we seem to have in common is that we have the same parents. Theres no fighting or so....just nothing to talk about....while we both wish we díd have something to talk about. But forcing it like we did and still do seems like a deer you hit with a car and is struggling to stay alive.

Hm...so i guess therapysession is over now. I guess what im trying to say is that having a brother doesnt mean youll share evrything. I saw him naked, and vice versa, but thats about it. Having totally different characters, perspectives on life, preferences, ideas, and interests.....kinda means you dont talk much about sex either.

In part this factor also gets affected by how you and your brother(s) were brought up by your parets. If you were brought up very strict then talking bout it might not be an option. I dunno..

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joe22xxx: Another great topic for me. My brother is two years older than me, and all through our growing up years he was my best friend. He also put up with all my stupid questions, and was actually kind to me. Sexually he was really helpful because he thought he hadn't got enough information about sex from our dad. He also showed me how to jerk off & we would both do it together in the room we shared watching porn. As far as comparing sizes, I was usually too aroused to think
about anything except the intensity of my own pleasure. I guess I'd look at him once in a while,but it was more for reassurance than anything else. He would usually smile at me and say something like, "Feels great, huh,Joe?" We had some stupid situations come between us when I first started college, but that's changed, and we're still each other's best friends. I wouldn't have thought that jerking off together would be considered intimacy, but in a way it was. Oh also, his dick's just a little bit smaller than mine.

It was only a few years ago that my parents told me that I almost died as a baby, and they constantly drilled it into my brother that I was "special" when we were both kids. I guess that meant that he should be good to me, and also protective. And he always has been.

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gigantikok: Haha, I'm pretty much in the same boat as Dee and Javierdude. I have an older half-brother who is 5 years apart from me. Growing up we weren't really friends, more just brothers. He would beat me up and pick on me, i would be the annoying younger brother. We are polar opposittes as well. Alot of his opinions and interests are things I have absolutely no interest in. We manage to fake a good relationship, i guess. We don't pretend to be the best of friends, we don't hate each other. I admit, the only thing holding us together is blood, but as he has matured he has opened up more to me. We never really saw each other naked growing up, though, so I don't know if he is hung.

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My brother is 7 years younger than I am but we always shared the same bedroom. Same sex nakedness was second nature among males in my family as we slept nude, skinnydipped and usually lounged around naked except in mixed company. We did talk about girls and sex and I'd be amused at his pre-adolescent seriousness. He'd see me masturbating in the bedroom or the shower and he pretty much considered it something an older boy did. By the time he started puberty I was away at college so the only times we were together we were too busy for him to ask the questions that were probably on his mind. When I think back on that time now I think I should have been more aware of his needs. Forty years later we are separated only by miles (I'm in Virginia, he's in California) because we remain very close brothers and friends.

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aj2181: Growing up I shared a bedroom with one of my brothers and we shared a bath room with my two other brothers as well. It was impossible not to see each other naked sharing a bathroom. To us it was no big deal, and even today it's not a problem despite being in our early 20's and late teens. I'm the oldest and my brothers always asked me about adolescence before they would ask our Dad. I guess they felt more comfortable asking me.