Do you believe in spanking?

Spanking is one of those controversial topics that no two moms quite agrees on. So, do you believe in spanking? If not, why? If you do, what are the guidelines you follow to ensure that discipline doesn't cross the line?

40 Answers

By Stacey Gannett
- Posted on Oct 18, 2011

536

Yes, I most certainly believe in spanking, as a form of discipline. I also firmly believe that it is not the only form of discipline that should be used, depending on the severity of the wrong doing. I am proud to be the mother of 3 ranging from 9 to 18, and have had no need to spank any of them since they were 5 at the most. A couple of swats to the tushy, with an open hand, has not made them serial killers, or bullies, and an explanation and love after the swat, got the point across, so that further swats were rarely needed. Furthermore, all 3 of my children know beyond doubt that they are my best friends. And a final note, I was a child that never got spanked, and should have gotten my tail whooped on a regular basis.

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By Suvi Vehmala
- commented on Oct 23, 2011

1912

Just my way of thinking. I do the same, only when really needed, and that´s not often at all. When the kids get really wild and out of hand, that´s the last way to do it, and works for sure. After they got the open hand on their fanny, the only thing they need for weeks or months, is to remind them what will happen if they won´t do as I say.
I have six kids (2, 3, 13, 15, 17 and 21) and can also tell that I have a great, open, fun, friendship-kind of relationship with my four oldest ones, they´re my friends, but also they respect me and still they do what they´re told to do without whining. And yes, I never had to spank any of them over 4 or 5 years old. My kids don´t even remember ever been spanked. But they know they did because I told them. :)
I got spanked when I was a child and I´m happy that I did. Those days it was a loose, skinny limb from a tree, like in the cartoons. :)

By Charmaine Levy-Williams
- commented on Oct 25, 2011

03

Proverbs 23:13-14 says (King James)
v.13 Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with a rod, he shall not die.
v.14 Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.
Amplified
v.13 Withhold not discipline from the child, for if you strike and punish him with the [reed-like] rod, he will not die.
v.14 You shall whip him with the rod and deliver his life from Sheol[Hades, the place of the dead].
Proverbs 19:18 says,
Discipline your son while there is hope, but do not [indulge your angry resentments by undue chastisements and] set yourself to his ruin.(amplified)
In all that we do we are to do unto the Lord, for Hid glory. There is a balance in everything.

By trista bertke
- commented on Oct 26, 2011

013

Very well said

By catherine ellison
- commented on Oct 26, 2011

07

Charmaine not surprised they do as you say they are probably terrified of you

By Catrina Redfearn
- commented on Oct 27, 2011

038

Catherine If your child is afraid of getting a Spanking (unless they are being abused), more than likely they are afraid due to the consequences of their actions which is great and means that they have thought about what they were ABOUT to do and decided to do the right thing! Think about it as a child they don't know the difference between right and wrong or what the consequences of thier actions (spankings, jail, juvenille,) will be unless we teach them. And as Adults because we know what the consequences are for our actions we tend to "DO THE RIGHT THING!"...So does that mean we as Adults are "Terrified" or just have enough sense to not break the rules?

By catherine ellison
- commented on Oct 28, 2011

07

sitting the pair of them down on the sofa and talking through what they have done wrong and why in a firm 'mean it' way works wonders for me - I dont NEED to spank them - concequences for acions can come in may other forms such as taking away privilages and following though - this way they know I mean it. If a child is hit they learn to hit and they will remember this as adults and thus the nasty cycle continues. HITTING IS WRONG FULL STOP. it is NOT a positive learning experience. my children go to a church school and they are not quoted the bible as they are spanked. they are taught to love and care or one another. I see this discussion is sponsored by 'powered by respect not thumps' ........need I say more....

By Kristin Davis
- commented on Nov 19, 2011

039

Charmaine Levy Williams
It seems to me that you have taken scriptures from the Bible and taken them out of context. Religious fanatics scare me. Hope your children have a relationship with you in the future and you have not damaged them too much.

By Jo Post
- commented on Jan 6, 2012

100

I grew up with a mom who believed in spanking with a switch and I got a lot of "spankings" for things I didn't even do. I can remember believing that my mother didn't love me because of it. Why else would you be willing to hurt a child. I believe that it broke my spirit and then for a while after I had my two daughters, I spanked them a few times, but I always felt awful...that I was sending them mixed messages. I always told them not to hit, but I turned around and hit them, so I started putting them in the corner instead. It worked much better and they stopped hitting each other. Now I have two granddaughters that I help raise and they don't ever get spanked. They and my daughters were much better behaved WITHOUT the spankings than I and my siblings ever were. So, no, I don't believe in spankings....I think it's the quick, short term easy way to get compliance...to heck with the emotional damage it causes.

100% TOTALLY AGREE and people who think otherwise obviously don't want that long term love and respect from their children that they need to have. spanking when necessary only shows that you love and care for them. they may not realize it being young of course (i remember getting a whoopin' MAYBE 3 times at the most but that was enough for me to know who was in charge, and it wasn't me), but when you have an open relationship with your parents and you can trust them with your life even being an adult (i'm almost 30, married, and one child) it's all because this was one of the ways to discipline, and a rather good one, as the point gets across rather quickly, and gives the parent the respect they deserve. if a parent believes that a whoopin' is a beating, they don't deserve the respect their children should be giving them, but do deserve the hell they will have to go through because of the stupid decision to not whoop when necessary. (i feel very strongly about this topic obviously. i would never NEVER hurt my daughter. i can't stand to watch or hear about parents hurting their children, but giving a whoopin' respectively, out of love, to discipline your child, and show what they just did was totally out of line, is not hurting your child or beating them as most people think these days. i've seen personally - first hand - how children are these days because their parents were afraid that a whoopin' is a beating and Heaven forbid someone in public sees it. grow up you idiots. <~~~that last part only goes to the one who don't believe in spankings. sorry to get off subject. :-)

By Christina Pike
- commented on Sep 18, 2012

00

I am also a Born-Again Christian < and i am very well aware of the Scriptures you quote. However,, i was severely whipped as a child and i carryt traumatic effects to this very day. i am over 50. i am also a qualified Psychotherapist. I told my pastor that i believe that the only reason that this was put in the Word of God ,is that 5000 years ago,( or even 200 years ago,) the profession of psychotherapy, Child/Youth work , Corrections, Social Work didn't exist....... Especially in the middle East, where the Bible was written. So at least, the whip was a better alternative than getting your hand cut off for stealing. But nowadays there is no excuse.We have many counselling, Social work, and Psychotherapy clinics all over the world. If a little child is misbehaving and has some kind of a problem, don't hit. Take them to see a Counsellor.Maybe they have anxiety about the fact that you hit. It's just wrong, and that Scripture was meant for a ocmpletely different societh and century/era. Jesus would never hit a child or a woman.

By Leslie Brown
- commented on Oct 27, 2012

1317

And? The Old Testament laws tell us to do lots of things that we don't do (stone children, kill bad neighbors). You can't pick and choose. In my opinion, hitting us wrong, no matter who does it. Discipline is teaching, not punishment. You punish when you hit your kids. What do they learn about how to behave? They may stop doing what you hit them for doing, but they still haven't learned how to behave. If they learn from you telling them, you could have taught them without hitting. Just my opinion, but hitting you or me is wrong, no matter the reason. The same should be true for kids. I think it's a hurtful and cowardly way of treating kids. Again, my opinion. I don't tell others what to do. However, I pray that one day hitting children will be illegal all over the world. I will work with any organization that tries to make that happen
It saddens me greatly, and I just pray for it to stop.

I am the mother of 5 ages 9,7,5,2,1 I absolutely believe in spanking I was spanked and I knew my mother loved me. I spank when warranted and also use time outs I use whatever is affect and gets my point across. Spanking is not abuse. I was raised n Mississippi and had to get spanked with swithces I knew I was being punished for doing something I wasn't supposed to and I didn't do it again because I didn't want a spanking. Its every parents right to discipline their child how they wish and no one can say what's right or wrong but abuse is definitely not okay ..the Bible says spare the rod spoil the child and I want to train my children up in the ways of God.

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By Leslie Brown
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

1317

Although you clearly articulate your point here, I would like to respectfully disagree with you, Jessica.
You write: "I didn't do it again because I didn't want a spanking." Jessica, this is my point. I want my child to avoid doing things I ask her not to do, not because she is afraid of me or a spanking, but because she has an understanding that compels her to do the right thing. That is how I see discipline, teaching a child, not just penalizing them, which is punishment. That means she will do the right thing even without my threats of spanking, and not just when I am around, but when I am not.
Also, although it's popular, there is no bible that includes the phrase "spare the rod; spoil the child." The actual verse in Proverbs is "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes." Just an fyi.
I'm sure your kids are are loving and happy, but please consider what comes from spanking. Is it really teaching them something that you want them to apply to others?

By Jeannie Boen
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

3226

Well said, Leslie.

By Lyndie Brown
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

130

Very well said.

By Kaitlyn Body
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

714

Leslie, sometimes children do not listen or take you seriously, that is one reason why a spanking is involved to have the child know you are serious and need to obey the first time and to know how to act properly.

By Kaitlyn Body
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

714

Proverbs 13:24 He who spares his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him promptly. NKJV

By Kathleen Kitchen
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

6133

Proverbs 23:13-14
King James Version (KJV)
13Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.
14Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.

By Veronique Poncet
- commented on Oct 20, 2011

1651

I understand both points. And we DO spank. I think you need to know your child, and each of your children are different. Discipline is the key. And whatever you are doing, it has to be weighed and balanced by love and support. I see many children with a disgraceful LACK of attention - negative or positive. And their behavior clearly shows it. Be there, be honest, and be consistent.

By Marie McCoy
- commented on Oct 20, 2011

287

I have read through both view points, and would like to say that I agree with Jessica about spanking being a form of discipline that is appropriate. I do not however agree with the blanket reasoning. Leslie, your reasoning on the opposite side also lends to a lack of clear direction, being that both of you have cited scripture as your basis. Therefore, I ask that you consider this food for thought. Sin has consequences. The passage in Proverbs is not the only one that advocates spanking. Anytime you come upon an issue that is mentioned more than once, careful thought and consideration must be given. There are 4 scriptures in Proverbs that specifically reference spanking. Beyond that, you have both forgotten the element of grace and the gospel. How does spanking bring you back to what Christ sacrificed for us? Is spanking the end result for every offense? Before going much farther, I want to make it clear that in our family, we do spank. However, it is the teaching that goes on before, after, and in between about our purpose here and how great is God's all encompassing plan that drives what and how we discipline. If you are finding yourself struggling with this question, and even more so, reacting strongly, I encourage you to go to http://blog.givethemgrace.com/ to find a grace and gospel centered parenting approach that goes way beyond just an occasional need for redirection but looks at the heart of each tiny soul and says, you are worth my time, consistency, and dedication to love you like Christ still loves me and how He loving disciplines us, since we, even as adults, still need it! I hope this is seen as a gentle criticism and we will all be better parents for it.

By Nicole Kitt-Wilson
- commented on Oct 20, 2011

520

Okay Ladies...
Let's take the bible out of the equation...
Let's add the "BECAUSE I SAID SO" factor
I was in the store the other day(WALMART to be exact) and this woman told her son (Bobby...ask me why I know his name) to stop running around and hold on to the cart so that she can complete her shopping and get home...Well, after watching this woman be told by her 4 yr. old that he (Bobby) was NOT going to do it and that he ....and I quote "Are not going to tell him what to do because SHE (his mother) was NOT the boss of him". At that point my children looked at me and the look on their faces were PRICELESS!!!!.. The look that my children had on their faces were looks of FEAR!...they(my kids) were afraid that I was gonna snatch Bobby up and his mother too for raising and ungrateful,undisciplined and disrespectful child...See, whatever you do in your home is YOUR business but, Hence you bring your kid outside to ruin my day because you have allowed the UNITED STATES GOVERMENT to tell you how to raise something that YOU carried for 9 months, that YOU went through labor and bore and that YOU are responsible for(don't believe me, let your kid go out and destroy someones property and see who they come after...NOT the kid). When are we going to stop being these "mamby pamby" type of parents that allow their children to run over them...I WILL NOT be subjected to Bobby's whining and belly aching at the store or the salon or even walking down the street..See, we other parents that spank our children are looking at you like you are fools...Even, the children that get spanked are looking at you like you are a fool as well...DON'T BE FOOLED...I am not naive..I know the difference between SPANKING and ABUSE...So, with that being said.....YOU ARE THE ADULT...NOT BOBBY!!!!

By veridiana Lasalle
- commented on Oct 20, 2011

840

Well the bible also said Do not withhold correction from a child For if you beat them with a rod ,he will not die.You should beat him with a rod,And deliver his soul from hell.Good luck to all of you.I do believe in spanking.

By Suvi Vehmala
- commented on Oct 23, 2011

1912

Well said, Jessica! :)
I also turned out just fine, and people always admire my well-behaved children (spanked a few times each) and keep asking me how I did it. It is rare to see kids behaving so well nowadays!

By Isabel Zavala
- commented on Oct 25, 2011

015

Leslie I think you have an Ideal that is hard to accomplish. I see your point but for a child to do the right thing they have to make mistakes. So you are just going to tell them "Hey that is not nice. That was wrong for you to do that." I don't see what that can do. Most children aren't that mature to understand. I would love to see how you teach them at young ages. I'm not being mean or negative, only curious as to how when most parents I see can't do that. I would love not to spank but in reality it doesn't work. I have explained things and shown them what can happen but it goes in one ear and out the other. So I show them that there is a consequence wether it be spanking or other forms of discipline. I have always known that I got spanked because I was doing bad or not listening. It never taught me anything other then to behave. So you tell me what spanking teaches? I should know I have been spanked.

By Isabel Zavala
- commented on Oct 25, 2011

015

I agree with Nicole Kitt-Wilson.

By Jessica Jenkins
- commented on Oct 25, 2011

712

Everybody raises their kids the way they want to,but
T for mine mistakes are okay to make but not over and over when you e learned your lesson you don't repeat it again I love my children dearly and hate the fact that I sometimes have to spank but children also need to learn consequences. As long as my children are functioning okay and still open and not fearful of me I'm doing something right

By Namibia Mccullough
- commented on Oct 25, 2011

04

Nicole Kitt-Wilson I agree with everything that you have stated here, and yes I do SPANK MY ONLY SON, NOT ABUSE..

By Rayna Gale
- commented on Oct 25, 2011

07

You can go through all the "other" forms of discipline, time out, discussion, distraction, etc. But I absolutely believe that spanking can get their attention when used appropriately. My children do not fear being spanked, but they do know when I give my warning of a spanking that I am serious and allows them to reconsider their choices. Just as in every stage of life, speeding tickets, fat fines, all warnings of changing your choices before the big spanking of jail, etc. The more wrong choices the harsher the punishments. This is a subject of such controversy most of the time but I believe that if it feels right and appropriate to the parent and if love, hugs and discussion come after, then spanking can be a good attention getter. The sad thing is that most parents are too afraid to take control of their children, the kids of this generation have lost the respect of authority of any kind, parents, teachers, community members, etc. If a few swats to my kids behind gets their attention enough to reconsider and make better decisions, even though it can be hard it is worth it to me.

By Amy Ashby
- commented on Oct 25, 2011

024

I was spanked as a child, and not that often. My mother used it only when absolutely needed and I still learned right from wrong, even when my parents weren't around. So how did that happen? I believe that comes from talking with your child about what has happened and why.

By Jayme Simoneau
- commented on Oct 25, 2011

01

I have a question about your response Leslie: Do you also not believe in time outs? Time out is also a punishment. Grounding a child or taking away certain priviledges is a punishment. I have two children, ages 5 & 7, and can count on one hand the number of times that they have been spanked. I believe that part of a parent's responsibility is to teach our children that actions have consequences. How do you teach a child that without punishment?

By crystal mckeating
- commented on Oct 26, 2011

01

yeah thats all fine and dandy to not want your kids to do something because you dont want them to fear the consiquences, but in the real world where if we were not afraid of being fired, we would stay home from our jobs to have fun, we would break the law with no fear of jail. Life is full of fear based decisions. Also the generation of our parents who were spanked and did spank us didnt have as many appathetic kids to authority, we respected the police and our parents.

By Elizabeth McClure
- commented on Oct 30, 2011

024

I believe in bringing the two together. I agree with Jessica, that at very young ages when children cannot distinguish between right and wrong, the fear of punishment is sometimes the only way to set them on the right path. But as they get older, continuing to use spanking is acceptable (only with an open hand, no switches although I cut a few for myself as a child, and only on the bottom) but will only be truly effective if you talk to them before AND after to ensure they understand their wrong-doing. You have to determine what is most effective in getting your own child(ren)'s undivided attention. I have used spanking since my son was 3 and continue to do so when it is necessary. He is now 8 and I don't believe I have given him more than 2 spankings in the past year, but I make sure he knows why I am doing it and what he should have done to avoid the punishment. I never use spankings to satisfy anger and I have never left a mark. It works for my kid, plain and simple.

By Patricia Cameron
- commented on Dec 2, 2011

374

I agree 100% with Nicole!!

By Allison Bertholf
- commented on Jan 21, 2012

12

Leslie, that is why communication is important along with spanking.
Of course, it is important the child knows why
She got spanked. The mystery of using the rod may
Be something we don't understand, but GOD said do it!

By Krisy
- commented on Oct 22, 2012

00

Leslie: you can spank your child and also teach them right from wrong. Simply explain after spanking that you did it because you care and then explain to them what they did wrong and why they shouldnt do it. Very simple...

By Jennifer Rieger
- commented on Oct 28, 2012

2116

Leslie, you stated my feelings perfectly!

By Tammy Allen
- commented on Dec 1, 2012

571

Because you were raised in Mississippi. In the North, we don't spank our kids, or most people don't. Just because you were raised that way, doesn't mean it's right.

By Jessica Jenkins
- commented on Dec 16, 2012

712

Well Tammy the foundation of my up bringing in Mississippi . I left there when I was 11 and moved to the north. So with that said I barely ever spank my children but they will learn what i did. If i tell you not to do something for a reason and you do it anyway there is a consequence. As they have gotten older i take things away. There is a big difference between beating and spanking. Point being my children are exactly that mine, and a spanking ever so often won't make them a danger to society. They will have structure and be productive like me who was spanked

By alida van dongen
- commented on Jul 27, 2013

64

Yes i believe in spanking,but not in an anger way,first the child have to be told what he or she did wrong,than we spank them for the wrong they did,most children are disobe their parents.for them to learn while they young is best for later in life,to make right choses,

By Paige Bryant
- commented on Mar 30, 2014

00

Leslie Brown, this is a lovely concept: "I want my child to avoid doing things I ask her not to do, not because she is afraid of me or a spanking, but because she has an understanding that compels her to do the right thing."
A wonderful theory, I agree. Likewise: I want my husband to do what I ask him to, not because he fears a divorce from me, but simply because of an understanding between us that pleasing his wife also strengthens his marriage.
Doesn't mean that's always what I'm going to get, tho!
I want adults to never break the law; not because they fear jail time, but simply out of an understanding that obeying the law makes for a peaceful world.
Doesn't mean I'm going to get that, tho!
This is why; if I HAVE to resort to spanking (after all reasonable *explanations*, after all pleading, after all other punishments have failed), I can at least tell my son: "I hope we finally have an understanding; you already know WHY you have to do what Mommy asks. I should not have to resort to using punishments BECAUSE you already know this."
That was only when he was little, though. Now that he is a fantastic, wonderful teenager, he has much better reasoning capabilities. He doesn't need any other kind of reinforcement anymore.

I do believe in spanking as a form of discipline, but not the only way to discipline. Usually my kids will get a spanking if they do something outrageous, but not for small things. When I was a child I did get spanked with a swich, hand or belt. I rarely got spankings though. I definitely learned my lesson and tried my best to never have to get one. I turned out just fine. When I was in elementary school, teachers and principals used to spank children at school. They used a paddle. Now everyone says that spanking is abuse, which it can be if you beat your child. A few swats on the bottom is not abuse. Kids today are much more disrespectful than they were when I was growing up. Seems like kids are controlling the parents, because the parents are too scared to spank or be in control of their own kids for fear of someone saying they are abusing them.

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By Patricia Cameron
- commented on Oct 20, 2011

374

this is true Kenyatta and its a dam shame!!!! Lots of people on here have commented on how disrespectful our younger generations are.... lets face it... straight up outta control ya hear!! All these alternative forms of discipline( redirecting etc. what a joke) clearly arent working for SOME and in the mean time we and our children are subjected to other peoples bad ass kids and their horride behavior. Now dont misunderstand me im not speaking about all children and all parents im just sayin some kids need a good butt whoopin from time to time!!!

By Suvi Vehmala
- commented on Oct 23, 2011

1912

Well said Kenyatta and Patricia! My thoughts exactly.

By Lian Pemberton@hotmail.com
- commented on Oct 25, 2011

015

AMEN!!!

By Kenyatta Ector
- commented on Oct 26, 2011

111

Kari I must agree with you on that! Love is very important! In my family we love hugs and kisses and telling eachother how much we love them everyday. I didnt think about that being a reason for them being well behaved or not, but I am sure that it helps. I am sure that kids who dont feel loved will act out and become disrespectful for the attention. Good Point!

By Robin Young
- commented on Oct 26, 2011

019

Well put, couldn't have said it better myself!!!

By Torie Sutton
- commented on Nov 5, 2011

158

I agree 100%. My children are growing into being those disrespectful and bad kids, as much as I am ashamed to admit it, though I am working very hard to change their behavior. They are ages 3, 4, and 12. The biggest problem I am having, however, is that my 12 yr old (step-daughter) has severe behavioral issues that have been just shoved off as bad behavior until just recently. (we just got custody of her because of her bad behavior) and a lot of her bad habits and disrespect are rubbing off on my younger two. I come across these types of children a lot and cringe when I hear parents say things like, "I don't know how to control them." Whip them!! I am NOT afraid of my children and I dare any of them to threaten to call social services on me. I'd dial the number for them and tell them to go pack your bags. (step-daughter has done that to her mother before) I told her if she thought she was going to do that to us then she better be ready for them to take her with them. It is absolutely rediculous that our government goes so far as to try and tell us what the best way to punish our children is...and that way DOESN'T WORK unless you're supernanny.....which I most certainly am not.

By Anonymous
- commented on Jan 1, 2012

00

Wow!! Finally some people who make sense..... Congratulations on being a real parent! So many parents use "I don't believe in spankings" as an excuse because they don't want to deal with disciplining their children since they don't spend much time with them.... It's too easy to allow other people to suffer because their kids are not taught to behave themselves or to show respect for anyone....

By Tabby Wogerman-Rosales
- commented on Jan 2, 2013

90

its a joke? haha obviously because spanking has done so many wonderful things for children as they grow up. but ya know what, you all are right, lets teach our kids to hit others when they are mad and to not do things out of fear to be spanked instead of not doing it because they know its the wrong thing to do. lemme guess, everyone pro spanking was spanked when they were kids? pro-spankers were obviously taught to hit others if they are doing it to their own kids, wonder how their kids will raise their own children....just sayin

What a reliief that there are still moms out there that still believe in spanking. So many other sites/groups I've joined are anti-spanking and make those of us who do spank look like we're terrorizing our kids. My son is 5 and is VERY well behaved. He didn't get spanked very often (and the behavior would have to be pretty extreme) - he learned very quickly that there was a consequence for bad behavior. Now we're working with our 1yr old son...

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By Veronique Poncet
- commented on Oct 20, 2011

1651

We live in an excessively coddling/and "reward for mediocre or negative behavior" society. I believe a firm and very loving approach is necessary when they are little...and then the relationship grows in a healthy and mutually respective way. I see such lack of respect for elders, and such lack of etiquetee and discipline in adults and children these days. I tell my children..."When you do something bad, bad things happen. When you do something good, good things happen. It is your choice and you can control how you want your day to be."

By caressa sowinski
- commented on Oct 26, 2011

016

my son is 5 as well, also have a 1 1/2 yr old who will be 2 next month and my goodness he is such a pusher with no intent on listening to me. i do believe in spanking when its necessary! its not like i beat my child for no reason. some kids need a spanking every now and then. i dont believe that time-outs work becasuse whats the disipline in that? to go stand in a corner or wherever for a few minutes...? i believe that if you do something that the child does not like they will learn quicker then being put in a time out its the children with no or little to none disipline that you will sadly see on the tv's or in the papers!

By Jessica Rice
- commented on Oct 26, 2011

116

Veronica...VERY well said! We obviously think very much alike...what a relief to know I'm not alone :-))) I know a child (7) who was only threatened with time outs and she has been a terror her whole llife. I'm not saying it was her fault, the parents had no control and she is VERY disrespectful to others and especially to her parents. LIke I said my son was spanked a few times and as you said we have a very healthy and respectful relationship...although he is still only 5 so he likes to touch my buttons but for a short period and then it's back to, "Sure mom, no problem" or "I'm not going to do that because it's wrong"!
Caressa, I HEAR YA!! My hubby just said the other day, "F. is going to be a lot harder to discipline!" He will be about to do something wrong and look at us while he's doing it! But he's so darn cute it's soo hard to discipline him for it LOL!

By Rebecca Smith
- commented on Mar 9, 2012

511

Statistics are that it is not the children not being smacked that end up on TV's or papers. Most violent criminals in jail have been subjected to physical punishment at a younger age. This does not mean children who receive a little physical punishment will react this way. But it does beg the question if a lot of physical punishment leads to negative outcomes, is a little physical discipline helping or hurting our childrens learning processes.

By Tammy Allen
- commented on Dec 1, 2012

571

Because it seems like someone who hits is terrorizing their kids if you never see that. Where I live, my parents, myself, my sisters, my friends, we DO NOT spank or hit kids. The parents are highly involved & well educated. My mouth would fall open to see someone hit their kids, spank their kids. It's just not done. I did see it twice, my trailer trash neighbor growing up used to chase his kids around with a belt. The kid ended up in jail & his brother died of aids. NOT joking. I also heard a dad threaten their kid with that when I was traveling to Florida. I just though, well, they're hicks, that's what hicks do. They're ignorant & I felt bad for them. Sorry, just telling the truth & how I feel. My kids are disciplined, I'm very strict, but would NEVER hit my kids. That's such brash, uncivilized behavior.

By Paige Bryant
- commented on Mar 30, 2014

00

Hi Rebecca, Please cite "statistics" thx.
My experience has been: Dr. Maury Strauss spanked ALL of his kids, and even wrote books urging parents back in the 60s to beat naked toddlers with a stick!
The outrage from that caused him to do a 180, right when his grown children had kids of their own, and suddenly: "spanking causes rebellion" and "spanking causes mental retardation" and "spanking causes murder" and all sorts of things that would have been laughed at in any other decade before the 1990s; before school shootings were all over the news.
Anyway, violent prisoners have claimed abuse since the dawn of time; as it is the only way to reduce their prison sentences, and it doesn't take an Einstein to know that. At the very least their lawyers know it.

I do believe in spanking. Not only is it effective, but it is the method prescribed by God to correct rebellion in a child. The Bible (see book of Proverbs) is specific that the child in rebellion must be corrected with corporal punishment administered by the rod (a small switch, not a club). When a child decides to follow his own will instead of his parents will, pressure must be put on him for him to comply. Once he is again in compliance to his parents' will, the spanking stops. Forgiveness and reminding them of your love for them is essential in discipline, also. The fear of a spanking acts as the external control that keeps the child from doing the wrong thing until the child is old enough to understand and value the reason why the offense is wrong. That is when the child begins to control his own behavior. After this point, the properly trained child will need to be chastised less and less.
Other forms of disobedience, however, should have a "reward" based upon the offense, teaching the child consequences for their actions and the proper way to right wrongs.
For detailed explanation of this, I recommend the book, "What the Bible says about Child Training" by J. Richard Fugate.

I have seen the result in our society of parents doing away with corporal punishment. Though it is not easy to spank your child, The results speak for themselves. All I see is children running rampant in public when just a couple of generations ago kids new how to behave and respect their parents. Today's parents let the children do whatever they want and then wonder why the disrespect and even hit their parents when they become teenagers. Let's not doubt the wisdom of God. Spank your kid.

22

By Lyndie Brown
- commented on Oct 18, 2011

130

I know of parents who spank who have kids running rampant. I do not spank my 3 1/2 year old daughter and she is more well behaved than almost every 3 1/2 year old I know and have come across. People were also stoned back then. Should that be okay now?

By Kristine Goudreau
- commented on Oct 18, 2011

89

Some kids are generally more well behaved then others. I treat my child with the utmost respect, but i still spank him when necessary. Sometimes i feel it is needed, Like if he puts himself in danger.

By Jamie Arruda
- commented on Oct 18, 2011

17

There is quite a difference between spanking and stoning. Stoning was commanded under the Law given to Moses as punishment for certain serious sins. Though we are held accountable to the Law God gave (ie this is why people go to Hell), Jesus fulfilled the Law for us through the righteous life He lived. He paid for our sins by His death, and promised us new life through His resurrection. Also, certain laws given to Israel were governing laws. I am no expert, but it seems to me that the law of stoning applied to Israel as a theocracy, and therefore does not transfer over into the New Covenant we have through faith in Jesus Christ.
The book of Proverbs, on the other hand, says that the rod will drive a rebellious spirit (take that attitude, not a spiritual entity) from a child. It is a prescription to effectively train a child, and all of God's word should be honored, but it is NOT part of the 613 laws given to Moses on Sinai. They are entirely different things and should not be compared.

By Kristyn Lakey
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

405

To me, comparing spanking to stoning is like comparing putting your child in time out to sticking your child in a kennel for the week. You can take anything to the extreme and make it look extremely wrong!

By Patricia Cameron
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

374

uhmmmm..... I think you nailed it Jamie!! "It is a prescription to effectively train a child". Oh yes indeed!

By Stacy Unholz
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

311

Ayii yi yi.

By Kathleen Kitchen
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

6133

well said!!!

By Carrie Reid
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

910

You don't "train" children you teach them.
By hitting them, you teach them hitting is acceptable. It is not.

By Leslie Brown
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

1317

Jaimie, I get your point, but I have to disagree with your interpretation of the biblical text you cite in your comment. I don't think I could discipline any child based on any literal Old Testament text. The text is not a rule, just as the bible is not a compendium of rules. The phrase you refer to "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes." is incredibly harsh when taken literally. It posits that children can only grow in a godly way and flourish if we chastise them physically for any wrongdoing. That's the scripture and the meaning taken literally. I don't see it as justification for spanking. I interpret the meaning as an admonishment to parents to correct children with love and compassion. The rod is not literally a physical object but the wisdom and compassion of the parent. Chastisement, in my mind, refers to attentive and clear instruction, not punishment. Remember, there is a difference between punishment (applying a penalty, such as spanking) and discipline (teaching). Just my thoughts...

By Jeannie Boen
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

3226

I would add to that children sometimes run amok for many reasons. What you see at the store may not be the whole story. Sometimes strangers think one of my children is throwing a temper tantrum. What they don't realize is that my child is autistic. And by the way, spanking won't change autism. It only makes more problems.

By Jamie Arruda
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

17

Leslie:
I would agree that the Bible is not a "compendium of rules". However, the Bible is the inspired word of God and it is by His word that we are to live. Sometimes things that the Bible says does not sit well with our worldly ideas of things. Even if we were raised in a Christian home, we have been influenced by popular opinion by some degree, and those who profess faith in Jesus Christ must be humble enough to accept correction from God's word if we are found to be doing something contrary to what it prescribed.
The verse I had more specifically in mind was Proverbs 22:15
"Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him."
Other verses about the Rod I am pulling from are Prov. 23:13
"Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die."
and Prov 29:15
"The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother."
The rod is a symbol of authority and discipline, not of wisdom and compassion. If you search a bible program (I use blueletterbible.org) for verses containing "rod", you will see what I mean.
As far as it being literal, when the verses specifically say to strike with a rod, it seems clear to me. Also, the fact that Prov 29:15 mentions the rod AND reproof show that the rod cannot be scolding and the like, for that is the definition of reproof.
As you said before, "I don't think I could discipline any child based on any literal Old Testament text." it seems to me the issue is whether you take God at His word or not. If you take everything in the Old Testament as symbolic, then you are free to interpret it however you wish. Bear in mind that there was only one intention of the Author (Holy Spirit) when He wrote it. We are not free to have our "own" interpretations of it.
The idea does not settle well with our flesh, because the world is forever pushing for us to not give any form of discipline to our children. Let's remember, however, that it is a rare thing indeed that what makes sense to everyone in the world is how God wants us to behave. The natural man is against God.
You said that the above verse "... posits that children can only grow in a godly way and flourish if we chastise them physically for any wrongdoing."
I would disagree that it is suggesting that we use the rod for ANY wrongdoing. Remember that the definition of "betimes" is "once in a while". Chastisement (corporal punishment) is to be used ONLY in response to rebellion. Any other sort of infraction is given a punishment that fits the crime, so to speak. Chastisement is usually for the youngest phase of the child's development, when you cannot reason with them and they are unable to understand the reasons why they shouldn't do this and that. The rod is all they will respond to. This is for the times when they say "no!" to you or throw temper tantrums. There are other, more passive forms of rebellion, but for the sake of brevity, I will not go into them here.
I suggest that you read more on the subject before assuming that, because it feels wrong, it must be the wrong position. Read the book I suggested, or other Christian people who have written articles on biblical child discipline online. Most of all, pray about it. If you have the Living God living inside of you, He will give you discernment in the matter.
I close with something we agree with: Discipline must always be laced with love and compassion. Never are you to spank in anger. And always forgive and remind them that you love them :)

By Jamie Arruda
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

17

Carrie:
Training a child involves teaching, too. I think you are hung up on the word because it is associated with dog obedience. Remember, we are trained when we come onto a new job, too.
Spanking a child does not teach them that hitting is ok. Hitting them in anger is what does that. We give our daughter several warnings and make sure she understands that she is breaking a standard before we spank her. We really let her choose between obedience and a spank.

By erin sabin
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

4694

God would never want a child to be hit.

By Kaitlyn Body
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

714

Jamie, I couldn't have put it in better words. AMEN sister! Never doubt God's wisdom..He is the One who knows how we all need to raise our children. :) Proverbs 13:24 He who spares his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him promptly. There is no denying that generations ago, children where much more respectful of everyone. The parents where doing more for there children, for their growth into young adults.

By Dawne Kornhaas
- commented on Oct 20, 2011

1312

When a child puts themselves in danger they didn't do it intensionally. When my son was 3 and almost walked into the street I picked him up him and brought him in the house and explained how terrified I was and what can happen to him if he wanders in the street. I had him repeat what I told him and ended the it with a big hug. He never did it again.

By Jamie Arruda
- commented on Oct 20, 2011

17

I'm glad your child listened to you! Poor little guy! My daughter is VERY strong willed. It doesn't matter if you tell her she could get hurt (and she DOES understand), she'll do it anyway if she wants to. Whew! The heart attacks she's given me! LOL!

By Suvi Vehmala
- commented on Oct 23, 2011

1912

It is true that not every kid needs spanking. Some are just so well behaved by nature, but not mine...

By Anonymous
- commented on Dec 20, 2011

00

I was reading through these comments in hopes of finding some help in some difficulties i am having. Though this conversation was some time ago i thought to add a comment. When i was younger my father would spank me and (though i still misbehaved as all children will) i was usually was on good behavior with him. Spanking never sat well with my mother and with her i pushed the boundaries to the extreme. Many a time i put my self in danger (often while crossing a road) simply because i did not wish to do as my mother asked and i knew there would be no consequence. Some children a scolding is effective others... well... are like i was, risking themselves and those around them just because no one will stop them.

By Ron Mackey
- commented on May 13, 2012

00

Jamie, your comments are right on target. An there is also
of difference between spanking and "old school beatdowns!
Parents need to keep in mind that it is better to swat an
errant child now while they are young, than to have to call
the Police "SWAT" Team to your home to get them off of
you when they are 14 or 15!!!

By Wendi Watson
- commented on May 15, 2012

729

well said Lyndie!!!!! i think my 21mth old is well behaved most of the time. she has her moments just like any other toddler. she is happy and pretty helpful. more than most toddlers i see.

By Danielle McLarty
- commented on Jul 9, 2012

5620

I have 5 children, and not once have I ever raised a hand to them, and yet, my children are incredibly well behaved and respectful. My kids can anticipate the consequences of their actions, there has never been a need to strike them. God may have said that sparing the rod will spoil the child but in my opinion tht was not meant to be taken so literally. DISCIPLINE is definitely required, but what are you teaching your child by assaulting them? If some person on the street did you wrong and you assaulted them, you would be charged, but for some odd reson it's perfectly acceptable to assault your child. What in the world does hitting them teach them? Fear? Like THAT has ever been an effective way to correct a child. Not to mention that a new study has now shown that children who are spanked are at higher risk of developing a mental health issue, and this study did NOT include abused children. As parents, it is our job to teach our children to SELF discipline, to have some impulse control, to respect others and to know what the boundaries are, as well as to know what are the NATURAL consequences of not following the rules. Disciplining without using fear and intimidation is a lot harder work, but the results are well worth it. My main priority in raising my children is that they grow up to be respectful, productive members of society, who have an immense amount of respect for themselves, for God and for their world, have empathy and compassion for others, and who take responsibility for their actions. NOT to have children who have huge expectations of others by being controlling and demanding, to have an inflated sense of entitlement and who think are better than everyone else. I NEVER want my children to think that using fear and intimidation is the way to get your point across. I would much rather they know to be kind and respectful of others because those traits were modeled for them in their childhood. As I said, my kids have never been hit, and yet, they are very respectful, follow the rules and have a whole lot of compassion and empathy for others.

By Leslie Brown
- commented on Nov 2, 2012

1317

Thank you, Danielle. Great example and very well said.

By Paige Bryant
- commented on Mar 30, 2014

00

Well, I am a complete atheist.
I do NOT believe in the Hebrew Bible but I still spanked my son because I also like to do research, and I know where all of the "anti-spank" research came from and why, (it came from Murray Straus) and it's all bunk.
My mother spanked us kids and we could not love her more.
Our family was all about respect.

I'll tell you something. I never thought I would spank my child. But when he became old enough to willfully push the boundaries and walk into the street, you bet his sweet *ss I did. I've spanked him precisely 3 times. The first was walking into the street at 2yo. The second was at 3yo, trying to keep him from kicking poop all over myself and our immediate surroundings; I held his legs and calmly spoke about being calm and still and what the consequences would be if he kept kicking. He agreed to stop so I let go and his heel met the bottom of my chin so hard it snapped something in my neck and yes, I swatted the side of his bare leg and bit my tongue to keep from screaming at him over his screams. I finished changing the diaper and wiping the walls and changing our poop-streaked clothes with him laying there crying. All the while, tears of grief (over not being heard, not able to "reason" with him, being so blatantly disrespected, questioning his ability to actually empathize with others, etc.) streamed down my face. It was horrible.

It was the worst I have ever felt as a parent, aside from the time I came upon my 5yo daughter poking at a steep drop-off into a raging undertow, surface-still river, with a stick, alone. I had nightmares about that for weeks and even blocked it out for a while.

The third time I spanked my son was 2 days ago. He is a young 5yo, learning letters and science and making new friends in kindergarten. He is also learning new things from his peers that are against our core values, like sticking your tongue out at people and how to be inappropriate and talk with an elevated level of snot and sass and judgment in your voice. In addition to his revisitation of stubborn, free-floating obstinance, this behavior has been exasperating me for 6 weeks now. We have talked about the differences between homes and my boundaries around his behavior, that in our home we don't treat each other with disrespect and (spitting, scoffing, hitting, sass mouth, etc.) is unacceptable, he has received timeouts, I have given him suggestions on better ways to communicate what it is, precisely, that he wants to convey, etc. All wIth limited success.

And then, 2 days ago, he was ready for bed. I asked him to choose a book and get in bed, and said I would be right back. He followed me, surreptitiously asking what I was doing. This time, I TOLD him to get in bed. He blew raspberries into the air as he ran away (avoiding the consequence of doing it AT me). He bounced on the bed. Irritated, I defined what "in" meant and waited 2 seconds for movement toward compliance-- then I added, "NOW." I came back to find him doing gymnastics under the covers. I turned down the covers, sat on the edge of the bed with the book, and said, "I have asked you three times to calm down and get in bed, now come here." He came closer, then turned his back to me, put his head on the bed saying, "nyeah nyeah!" and stuck his bare bottom in my face.

I slapped it. No palm action like the poop incident on the side of the leg, but enough to sting, I'm sure.

He was shocked and cried. I turned out the light and lay next to him while he cried. I just waited in silence. I was biting my tongue again, yes. But this time, I had faith enough in my son (and therefore in my parenting heretofore), to know that he would engage me when he was ready, because he was empathetic enough to do that. And it gave me time to think.

He stopped crying, turned toward me, put his arms around my neck, and I started by saying, "I love you, I respect you, and I want what is best for you. I want you to stop acting like you don't respect other people's wants, needs, and feelings...." and I covered: wanting him to make good choices so that I could be free from being the bad guy, but they were fundamentally his choices. Making poor choices would result in consequences... I don't feel like he has heard my words or understood how serious I am in my desire for him to treat and be treated respectfully, so the swat he received was intended to get his attention another way. Perhaps now his ears will be more open when I am asking him to make good choices... and I also told him that I loved him, loved him, loved him.

But I did not apologize because I was not sorry.

He has been responding in a timely manner, not sassing me, doing his chores (which amount to 10 minutes after school), and putting on weather-appropriate clothing without whining for 2 days without the struggle of insistence, demand, "big voice", nagging, repetition, exhaustion, lessons, consequences, timeouts, tantrums, hurt feelings... disrespect...

In turn, this has made lots of space for reading, cuddling, laughing, loving and cooking together. I am still not sorry, but I hope I never feel compelled to do it again.

19

By Latisha Moses
- commented on Oct 20, 2011

121

Love it!!

By Stacy Sanders
- commented on Oct 20, 2011

129

WOW...impressive. Kudos to you! Very well handled.

By Jeannie Boen
- commented on Oct 20, 2011

3226

Those are nice stories and I am really happy for the wonderful relationship you have with your son. He sounds like a real sweetie. I have to be honest though, one swat carefully delivered is not usually the picture I get when I am imagining a spanking.

By PATTY FLORES
- commented on Oct 25, 2011

016

thanx for sharing

By Cindi Scavella
- commented on Oct 26, 2011

011

Good for you Carolyn! I think you handled the situations correctly.

By Kathleen Kitchen
- commented on Oct 26, 2011

6133

This is great! True parenting!

By Carolyn Marie Gage
- commented on Oct 26, 2011

621

Thank you everyone for the supportive encouragement. All parents would like to know someone thinks they are doing a good job! I certainly don't think anyone has THE answers, since all children (and all parents) are different, but with your words, I feel empowered to be reminded that I am doing the best with what I was given a) as a person and b) the child I received.

By Corinne
- commented on Jul 14, 2012

921

Jeannie, thats the problem I have with those against spanking; the picture they get is a parent beating their child. A SPANK is a controlled smack on the butt or hand. I am all for it but thankfully my daughter is Little Miss Sensative and reacts to a stern 'No!" like other children react to a firm spank.
If the reason for you're swatting is YOUR anger/frustration, anywhere but the hand or bottom, or your first resort then you're doing it wrong!

No, I don't believe in spanking children. I think the only thing it does is humiliate the child, and he/she does not "learn a lesson" from this form of punishment. I believe a punishment should educate as well as show children there are consequences for unacceptable behavior. There are other ways to illustrate this rather than grabbing a belt and engaging in something that physically hurts a child.

13

By Jeannie Boen
- commented on Oct 25, 2011

3226

High five Lanie.

By Torie Sutton
- commented on Nov 5, 2011

158

Why would you assume that in order to spank a child you would need a belt? I have used a belt on my children maybe twice? and every time it has been a cloth belt and had little to no force behind it. It' been more for getting my point across than for "hurting the child." Spanking does not mean " grabbing a belt and engaging in something that physically hurts a child." That's a little bit exaggerated.

By Andria Quintana
- commented on Mar 3, 2012

00

I agree with Torie. Also, I was spanked and never felt humiliated. You can't say that children do not "learn a lesson" from that sort of punishment because I did. So did my cousins, brother, and sister. Again, not all children should be or need to be spanked, but some do.

By Mauro
- commented on May 12, 2012

00

Lanie, physical punishment is not wrong. If you put your hand over the fire on a stove, it will burn you. It was a painful lesson but you will most likely not do it again. Right? Same thing with parenting. I well understood it, when I grew up and thought about the spankings I received as a kid. I still love my parents. GOD bless.

By Tabby Wogerman-Rosales
- commented on Jan 2, 2013

90

they dont "learn" a lesson as in "im not going to do that again because i have learned there are better ways I could have gone about it" (dialect if any obviously varies according to the childs age, similar concept tho) what they get from spanking is an "association". they link spanking with the bad thing they did and no understanding really as to why it was wrong. your teaching them to be afraid of the punishment itself and thats it. once they find a way to do it again without you knowing and avoiding the punisment, they most of the time will. people take "redirrection" waaaay out of context and assume that we are tryng to reason with 1 year olds. thats not how it works.

By Katie Marie
- commented on Nov 10, 2013

260

Couldn't agree more with you, Lanie.

By Paige Bryant
- commented on Mar 30, 2014

00

I totally agree! DON'T grab a belt! That's abuse.
I can't thumbs up ya, though. Because you associate "spanking" with belts!
YIKES!

The very best behaved children i meet are not hit ever, the very worst behaved are hit. That is all the research i need as to the long term effects. My mother hit us all the time and i never wanted to do anything she wanted, i just wanted to hide things from her and i did very well tell i left home and had no more to do with her. Did she ever beat me, no, would what she did be classed as abuse, probably not but lots of low level bullying over a long time.

13

By Leslie Brown
- commented on Oct 21, 2011

1317

Bravo, Zoe. Very well said. I had the same kind of experience. Good for you for deciding not to spank based on your own experiences.

By Latisha Moses
- commented on Oct 23, 2011

121

Zoe the funny thing about that "research" is that it's not really research. I've seen tantrums from kids that clearly aren't hit. The parent looks so whimpy bending over and begging the kid to stop and stand up so we can leave the store. That parent either ends up going and buy what the kid wanted or grabs the kid and rush out embarrassed of all the noise the kid is making. My spanked kids simply set their face up and waits quietly by the register until I'm done and walks with arms folded and a sour face because they didn't get the item. Even still gives a last attempt "please" in the car. As I said and will keep saying every child is different and can not be compared to each other. Some people gets one slap on the wrist (arrested) and never repeats that action again that got them there and some people spend more time in jail then free because they just don't care enough or it takes longer jail time to catch a clue. End point every kid won't care about timeout, lectures, or taking away. And best believe some won't care about the spankings either (my older sister lol) But every parent has the right to know what works and what doesn't work.:-)

By zoe kinson
- commented on Oct 23, 2011

1001

Latisha, Obviously i did not mean scientific research, but if you want to be pedantic go for it, i meant my personal observations.
my child has never been hit, and i never looked wimpish when she was throwing a tantrum, nor have i ever given in to what she wants becourse of a tantrum. i would simply stand so that i could see her and let her get it out of her system, 5 mins max. So i am prepared to give her time to express how she feels, not hit her for daring to express her feelings. all kids are different but hitting is never the best answer and one day this will be reflected in the law, it used to be ok for a man to hit is wife, to keep her in her place, couse he was the man, glade those days have gone, men still do it, but women know have the law on there side. end point i want my DD to do the wright thing couse its the wight thing, not for fear of being hit.

By Suvi Vehmala
- commented on Oct 23, 2011

1912

Where do all these people come from?? How come is your english SO BAD? I notice and I´m totally not a native english-speaker!

By Isabel Zavala
- commented on Oct 25, 2011

015

Really you sound very inexperienced. "The very best behaved children i meet are not hit ever, the very worst behaved are hit." That statement alone make me wonder how ignorant you are. Most kids that I have met through out my life that have been spanked are well behaved and the ones in trouble most of the time are the ones not. There are some cases where children not spanked have turned out fine and the same the other way. So I understand not all are that way. So there must be a reason for you to want to defy your mom. There are people who do spank to take the easy way out. When I was spanked I knew I was doing wrong. Maybe you wanted to defy your mother because you didn't understand why you were getting spanked.

By Jeannie Boen
- commented on Oct 25, 2011

3226

One thing I have had to overcome as a parent is being concerned about what other people think. One of my children has high functioning autism. Believe me, I know all about fits in the store. And no, I never hit her. What I did do is sit beside her on the floor until she calmed down enough for us to leave. She did learn that when she through a fit, the shopping trip was over and we would be going home. Stores can be disaster zones for all kids but especially any child who is not neural typical.
What did I do? Well for starters I never gave in to a fit. A fit met the trip was over. I tried to make sure the children were well rest, well fed and not stressed out about too many thngs before we went into the store. Certain stores were "triggers" for my autistic child due to certain colors and aromas. We just didn't go into those stores with her until she built up some resistence to those stimulis. We practiced store skills at home. We practiced having to leave the store. It took a while. But my kids are not incredibly well behaved in the store.
The bottom line is I might have felt a little less humiliated if I hit my kid in the store. But in the end I got what I wanted without spanking her. My children are little people. They have feelings, wants, strengths and weakenesses. It is my job to guide them, train them, love them and help them grow into responsible, good people. I am not interested in breaking their will, crushing rebellion out of them or some such thing. They are not bad because they are rebellious. Usually they behave "badly" because they have immature problem solving skills are our emotionally immature because they are kids. Instant compliance to me, a mere human being? No thank you. Frankly there are some things that should be rebelled against and stood up against. I want my kids to be able to decide when. If they are kind, responsible people they will be able to figure out what to do. That's my end goal.
So for now I ignored the people who murmured in the background that I should control my kids better. And now I am reaping the rewards of an autisic child who is blossoming. And both my kids are earning academic and citizenship awards at school. They are confident and empathetic toward others and very creative problem solvers. So far, so good.

By zoe kinson
- commented on Oct 25, 2011

1001

Isabel, tell me, how can i be ignorant because of what i have observed? that does not make seance. That is what i have seen, its as simple as that, you have seen the opposite, i would love to know where you hang out so i can avoid it. As for my lack of experience, experiences in what exactly?

By Kenyatta Ector
- commented on Oct 26, 2011

111

Zoe you said in a previous statement that when your child throws a tantrum in the store, you stand by and "let her express her feelings". So you are saying that its ok to let your child embarass you in a store, tantrum all over the place because they are expressing themselves?? I am sorry, but my mother taught me that there were appropriate ways to act in public and I would NOT embarrass her while we were out. I knew my mom said what she meant and meant what she said, so if I showed out in the store, she would get me right there spanking and all. There is nothing wrong with letting your child know that kind of behavior will not be tolerated. My son tried that when he was younger ONE TIME. He wanted something in the store and I told him beforehand and in the store that we were only getting certain items and not just shopping. So he decides that he was not leaving the store, rolled around on the floor and screamed. Other customers in line saw this and let me get ahead in line so I could go ahead and handle the situation. I did not whip him in the store, because I know how some ppl are these days about spanking in public and I did not want to make an even worse scene. I literally had to drag him out of the store and into the car (this was all over a piece of candy). BELIEVE ME he got a GOOD whooping and fussing at. That was the last time he did that again. I guarantee if wants to express his feelings he can do it by writing, drawing, music or whatever, but not by showing his ass in public.

By Patricia Cameron
- commented on Oct 27, 2011

374

stand there and let her express her feelings?????!!!!! GOD LUCK WITH THAT ONE!!!

By zoe kinson
- commented on Oct 27, 2011

1001

I think there has been a misunderstanding, i let her show her feelings in this way when she was 2 or 3. i was never embarrassed, i figure anyone with children has seen it all before. It did not happen often and she never got ANY attention for this behavior to reinforce it. She could not of expressed her self in any other way at that age, that is why they do it. She is a lovely little girl of almost 5 and i am frequently told how wonderful she is by people generally, so yer it worked pretty well thanks.

By Danica Prenevost
- commented on Apr 18, 2012

431

I respectfully disagree. I know what children you are talking about, but you shouldn't assume that every child who is spanked is like that. My four year old son is one of the most affectionate and kind hearted little boys that I know. He has the most amazing manners for being his age and his father and I RARELY have to remind him to use them. We spend a lot of time with our son and make sure that he knows that he is loved, but when he does something innappropriate he knows exactly what will happen and after he receives a time out or spanking we discuss what happened and steps that he can take to prevent being naughty the next time. We use a strike out system at home. When I say "strike out" I don't mean that we strike him. It's like baseball... one strike for doing something naughty, two strikes for doing something naughty, and on the third strike it's a spanking or time out depending on what exactly happened. When he gets a strike he knows and you can tell he really makes an effort to correct his behavior. I treat my child with more respect than I see a lot of parents treat their children with, but actions have consequences.

By Mauro
- commented on May 12, 2012

00

Zoe, meet someone who was spanked and has no record of turning out bad, much less a criminal record. Some kids don't need spanking, some do, and some need it more often.
In Mexico, where I'm form, we say " Dios aprieta pero no orca ". I't the same as saying, God tightens the noose, but he'll never hang you. GOD bless.

By Wendi Watson
- commented on May 15, 2012

729

exactly zoe! i was like that with my dad too. he only spanked me once when i was little. i only wanted to do it again. from then on i listened to him because i loved him.

By Sharon Scowcroft
- commented on Jun 7, 2012

459

My brother didn't believe in spanking either and his now grown children resent that because they never learned real consequences for their actions and have suffered really serious consequences for their actions as teens and young adults. One is in prison for robbery because he never thought he would really get punished for it and resents his parents for not dealing with his bad behavior as a child. He also threw temper tantrums as you described. I did spank my children when necessary and both of my children knew boundaries and have turned out as great adults and parents. Spanking simply draws a definite boundary when a child refuses to control excessive bad behavior. I never had my children pitch a tantrum for more that a minute because they knew it wasn't tolerated. I also did have to spank my children often because they knew I would not tolerate the bad behavior and didn't push the limit enough to need one much past the age of 9. Very consistent discipline is the only way a child grows up knowing when not to go to far. They are children and have to learn limits. That is what is wrong with so many teens today that are out of control, they were never taught they had to control themselves without consequences they didn't want. I DO NOT believe in abusing children, only teaching them self control in a reasonable spanking manner. Then as older children and teens, other methods for punishment worked well because I had taught them I would not tolerate out of control behavior. Some children need less or more discipline than others. I rarely was spanked as a child because I didn't push beyond my boundaries, however, my brothers got quite a few because they were more head strong. You can't lump all children in the same discipline method either. I think it depends on the child and what is necessary for that child to learn self control. Some kids are by nature calmer and easier to deal with while others will be totally out of control and time outs don't work for them.

By Wendi Watson
- commented on Jun 19, 2012

729

i agree Zoe!!!!

By Wendi Watson
- commented on Jun 19, 2012

729

latisha my almost 2 year old knows mommys i'm serious tone". im an assertive parent and i dont spank. neither does my husband . i tell her to stop fussing and most of the time she stops right away.. just because i dont spank doesnt mean i/the people who dont, dont know how to discipline..i like my daughter to listen to me not because she fears me.

I got spanked as a kid - a lot! It was the way my parents' generation was raised. However, I do not believe in spanking as a tool to discipline my almost 8 y/o daughter. There are times when she doesn't listen when I ask her to do things which leads to her getting in trouble. She and I go to a 'think-about' spot, wherever we are, and THINK ABOUT what just happened, then I have her articulate to me her side. I've been doing this now for about 5 years and it has worked well for our situation. There will always be room for corrective measures at all stages of her life, but it would be hypocritical parenting on my end if I'm telling her not to put her hands on other people in anger if I did that to her. So far, using words to express our frustrations has worked for us. Not sure what the future will bring, but if I can raise her to think before acting and speaking so that she doesn't injure both emotionally and physically, then I think I would've done my job. This is not a method for everyone, but it is my method, and so far, it is working. Good luck to all the parents who are reading this and posting. And for those of you wondering what kind of kid she is, GREAT! Extroverted, intelligent (teachers love her!), loves reading and dancing, intuitive, conscientious, thoughtful, sweet. There are times when she acts her age, petulant and willful. These are times when I have to remember both OUR ages and be the adult and discipline accordingly. I need to remember to lead by example! You can't meet anger and frustration w/ the same and expect peace. I'm trying to instill long-term, lasting lessons, not swift punishments.

13

By Leslie Brown
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

1317

Good for you, Carol.

By Jeannie Boen
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

3226

Yay Carol.

By Carrie Reid
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

910

Well put!

By Latisha Moses
- commented on Oct 20, 2011

121

Love your outlook!! But I spank my kids and they both know to keep their hands to themselves. My son is 11yrs old and from young started hitting other people's children so I started spanking him. Now he's 11 and I only have to deal with him teasing his 7yr old sister.

By Carol Junsay
- commented on Oct 24, 2011

230

Latisha - HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Big brother's tormenting little sisters - I can relate! I was the little sister who pushed the boundaries w/ the big brothers, therefore earning the spankings I got as a kid! :)

By agriandrea
- commented on Jan 5, 2012

35

good on you, I bet you put a whole lot of time and effort in to her

By Carol Junsay
- commented on Jan 6, 2012

230

Andrea - I still do. :) She's my greatest investment and I will stay on her until she "gets it". It's definitely a daily work in progress and I can't tell you that when I'm getting to a point where I'm yelling, my daughter now tells me to calm down, sit down, look @ her, and talk it out! :) It's really funny actually, to know that she's getting what I'm trying to teach her. That we need to talk things out before things get even more out of hand. I started laughing the first few times she did it and she got mad @ me and I had to apologize to her.

By Wendi Watson
- commented on May 15, 2012

729

thats awesome Carol!!!

By Sharon Scowcroft
- commented on Jun 7, 2012

459

I hope that works out for you. My brother didn't believe in spanking either and his now grown children resent that because they never learned real consequences for their actions and have suffered really serious consequences for their actions as teens and young adults. Your daughter is only 8 yrs old now but you haven't even begun the tween/teen years, and those are when those spankings pay off because they have a real sense of consequences for their bad behavior. I did spank my children when necessary and both of my children knew boundaries and have turned out as great adults and parents. Swift punishments simply draw a definite boundary when a child refuses to control excessive bad behavior. I never had to spank my children past about 9 yrs old. They knew I would not tolerate the bad behavior and didn't push the limit enough to need one. Consistent discipline is the only way a child grows up to know when not to go to far. That is what is wrong with so many teens today that are out of control, they were never taught they had to control themselves before hormones and rebellious teen years. I DO NOT believe in abusing children, only teaching them self control in a reasonable spanking manner. Then as older children and teens, other methods for punishment worked well because I had taught them I would not tolerate out of control behavior. Some children need less or more discipline than others. I rarely was spanked as a child because I didn't push beyond my boundaries, however, my brothers got quite a few because they were head strong. You can't lump all children in the same discipline method either. I think it depends on the child and what is necessary for that child to learn self control.

Personally, spanking is part of discipline. At times children at certain age do not listen to reasoning very well. A hit (moderately and not too hard) can send a message across to them better than explaining why they did wrong. Spanking is not for all children - that is important to remember.

Time outs at times do not work - especially for hyper children that are in fits of rage. I used it sparingly, only at times I need to. Never use it when in heat of anger. And we need to explain to the child why we do what we do so that they understand that its not that we do not love them. Its because we love them that at times we need to use it. For us in Asia, its part and parcel of our culture to discipline our children.

11

By Tabby Wogerman-Rosales
- commented on Jan 2, 2013

90

Spanking is punishment not discipline.

By Paige Bryant
- commented on Mar 30, 2014

00

Spanking is a part of discipline, and giving rewards is a part of discipline. Punishment is a part of discipline.

I do believe in spanking
before I had kids I always told myself I would never spank my children but, then I had them and I do what works best for my kids! My youngest will be 2 in 3 weeks and she is VERY strong willed. If its not done her way watch out! She will bite, hit, throw things, ect... She has been like this from birth. We have tried many things to get her to behave redirection (which I think is a joke), standing her in a corner, and ignoring her behavior! What works for her is a little smack on the bottom and standing her in the corner she can come out of the corner when she is calm and says she is sorry to whomever's feeling she hurt or was mean to! We give her a little smack because it get her attention! My middle child all I have to do is look at her the wrong way and the tears start coming!

The reason why I think redirecting is useless is because it teaches them nothing. When they get older if they are having a hard time are they gonna redirect themselves? No you want them to learn to excel in any situation that they are in! Make the best of it....its not always gonna be what they want or be about them! They have to learn to deal with what ever situation is given to them!

I believe you should do what works best for your child to make them healthy, strong, Independent individuals!

9

By Steffanie Boudreau-Thomas
- Posted on Oct 25, 2011

07

Spanking is lazy parenting. There are a multitude of appropriate way to discipline a child which require hard work and effort. There is not single study that supports spanking as effective discipline. Violence breeds violence and it is never acceptable to put your hands on someone especially someone you Love. The is no logic in hitting someone you claim to love. It is 2011 use the internet and do the research.

8

By Leslie Brown
- commented on Oct 26, 2011

1317

Yes!

By Kenyatta Ector
- commented on Oct 26, 2011

111

You are right, it is 2011 and there is more bullying, sexting, kids beating up the parents, and more pregnant teenagers than ever before. Hmm Wonder why? My mother spanked me sometimes- not all the time and I never thought that she didnt love me. I made good grades in school, stayed out of big trouble, joined the band, participated in clubs, graduated and went to college and graduated there too. I am not a violent person, im actually one of the nicest ppl you would meet, I believe that my mother caring about me so much and takiing the time to discipline me when needed, helped make me who I am and be more responsible. Spanking works for some and then it doesnt work for others. It depends on the individual child. While you are doing your internet research, please show evidence where a spanked child always directly correlates with violent, disruptive and horrible individuals. Please post the link and I will gladly look at it:)

By Patricia Cameron
- commented on Oct 27, 2011

374

First of all it is 2011 how bout go read ya bible instead of the internet. It tells you everything you need to know about parenting. And Kenyatta yes you are right except you left out kids murdering thier parents murdering each other murdering themselves drugs all kinds of crazy stuff going on with kids.

By Leslie Brown
- commented on Nov 6, 2011

1317

There's nothing in the bible that justifies spanking...at least not for me. And, it's disingenuous to say that unspanked kids murder and maim. There's no link to child violence and lack of spanking; however, there is plenty of evidence linking spanking and violence.
Loving a child helps them become who they are...it doesn't mean holding them down with violence and threats. If you are afraid of who your child will become without spanking, seek help from a close friend or a professional. You aren't the first person who is not sure how to discipline a child. Spanking is not necessary.

By Julie Dillon
- commented on Jan 21, 2012

51254

I read the bible, but it does not have "recent studies" on the effects that spanking can have on children once entering adulthood. Being proactive and progressive with your parenting is doing a SERVICE not disservice to them. Latest research finds, children who were spanked were more likely to suffer from depression, low self-esteem, poor self image and an increase with fear/anxiety.
As if our kids don't have it hard enough already! Ask yourself, is spanking really that necessary and beneficial now in these times, not Biblical times, that you would wanna risk inhibiting your child's sense of self? That is one of our primary jobs as a parent. Step outside of your box, and into the present. There are MANY more creative, effective and long lasting ways to discipline a child, than spanking them.

By Tabby Wogerman-Rosales
- commented on Jan 2, 2013

90

I got my @$$ whooped all through elementary school, I turned out to be one hell of an amazing, successful person, Im not violent, but I will say this...it doesnt always create violent people. It can create instability in many other areas. And even if someone, even yourself, doesnt appear violent or unstable, thats not to say they arent at all, all it takes is a catalyst.

By Jane Young
- commented on Feb 15, 2013

160

I do not smack my child, as I've never really seen it as an appropriate punishment. I'm sure a little smack on the hand never harmed a child for life! However, I work with children (and parents) who have been spanked, probably to a lot higher degree than what we're talking about on here. Many of them have got low self-esteem and an idea that if someone pisses you off you hit them. Kids learn by what we say and also by what we do. If you are lucky they will learn that there are consequences for their bad behaviour, if not they get the message that he who hits the hardest has got the power in a relationship. I'm sure your kids fall into the former category, but there is a point where spanking becomes abuse. I'm sure you'll find plenty of people who were smacked as a child grow up to be upstanding citizens, but I bet if you asked around prisons they were smacked as much (and often more) so I don't think that one follows the other. A good child-parent relationship, where discipline and boundaries go hand in hand with love, nurture and supervision are probably all important factors to prevent the sort of moral decline you're talking about

By Paige Bryant
- commented on Mar 30, 2014

00

The only "research" that says anything bad about spanking comes from Murray Strauss, and he is in his 90s, and trying to destroy the next generation for criticizing him back when he was a parent and urging parents to beat their toddlers naked with sticks.
His own kids were spanked (probably beaten) and he waited until long after they reached adulthood to start trying to destroy society with his junk science. He's going to die in less than a decade. He doesn't care what happens to our society. His kids also spank their kids.

By Vanessa Jacky-Davis
- commented on May 28, 2014

8112

Actually, there's a lot of research out there supporting spare, open handed, spanks on the fanny. A whole lot. I know this because my husband and I have done the research because we want to be great parents for our great kids. Were definitely not lazy parents. I've spanked my boy twice, he's 5, and the dangerous choices he was making stopped immediately. Period. Sometimes, a spank helps a child understand how serious some things are.

My parents spanked me when I was 4 and when I was wrong and stubborn but they also explained and warned me beforehand. It also worked when I needed to discipline my daughter when she was 4 and 5. It was one whoop and she learned. I don't do it now because she's almost ten. My daughter is a straight A student and whenever she has a issue, I just speak to her and explain the consequences like no more TV. We have a great relationship.

I believe that spanking has its limits. It should never be used in severity. Keep it in mind, kids like to test their limits. It would be great that I didn't have to spank but after 4 or 5 times of giving verbal warninings, a spank works.

8

By Latisha Moses
- commented on Oct 20, 2011

121

Exactly!!!

By Torie Sutton
- commented on Nov 5, 2011

158

So right.

By Tabby Wogerman-Rosales
- commented on Jan 2, 2013

90

im glad you didnt continue the spanking Beatrix. The explaining is a really good way to descipline.

I do believe in spanking. I have 7 year old twins. They're pretty well behaved so I don't have to use that method of discipline often, but I will if necessary. They're at an age where they like to challenge authority quite often. I normally take some of the favorite things away, if the problem still exist I will put them on restriction from playing outside and with friends. Spanking is usually what I do when all else fails.

8

By Dawne Kornhaas
- Posted on Oct 19, 2011

1312

No I don't believe in spanking. It is a cop out and expression of anger using a physical form of punishment of force and creating fear. I was spanked as a kid and feared doing anything inhibiting me to think for myself out of fear of being spanked. I have 3 kids and I don't spank and they are very well behaved children. I believe in redirection and using positive reinforcement. When they do something they shouldn't have, we sit down and discuss why it was wrong, how it affects ourselves and other people and how our decision could have been better. It takes more time and that is the problem because spanking is too quick and easy.

8

By Lyndie Brown
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

130

Awesome!! :)

By Kristyn Lakey
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

405

What did you do when your children were young? My son just turned 3 but up until recently I could not sit down and discuss anything. I have friends that weren't spanked as kids, they were "spanked with belts" which to me is abused and they have a very similar opinion on not spanking due to fear. Could it be possibly that you were spanked in excess?

By Bonnie Ciolkosz-Gray
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

339

I have a 9 and 13 year old and spanking is not a option but walkingall over me has become a option, and not listening to rules, I have taken everything away and they get more angry. now what?

By Patricia Cameron
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

374

Bonnie why dont you take them for a visit to the local jail? Show them what will happen when they dont follow rules and behave badly. It totally worked for my friend and her 2 boys!

By Lyndie Brown
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

130

Go to Supernanny's website. Her techniques involve no hitting or spanking. She's very helpful, I use her tecniques and have found they work wonders.

By Kathleen Kitchen
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

6133

You can't discuss how bad behavior effects us with toddlers, trust me. Before they are old enough to "talk about it", some children need to be disciplined other ways.

By Kenyatta Ector
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

111

I agree, I would like to see a toddler really sit and try to understand how behavior affects us. Thats great if your kids do that, but @2 and 3 years old, mine didn't, but they did know what would happen if they kept acting up. I agree that spanking does create some fear, which it should. If it didnt there would be no point in it. Fear of the spanking, not the parent. As a child, I didnt think my parents loved me any less for spanking me. I was never afraid of them and I think they are the best parents in the world because they cared.

By Leslie Brown
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

1317

Good for you!

By Dawne Kornhaas
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

1312

In the case of my kids when they were toddlers I would put them in a time out and sometimes I stayed there with them until they would calm down. Yes sometimes you have to stop what you are doing and take care of it. Rarely did I have to do this because the trick is to know what caused the behavior to begin with. It's called watching your kids. If I know they acted a certain way it is usually because they were tired, or overstimulated or hungry. I also practice attachment parenting so my kids and I are very well connected.
What I don't understand is how is it okay for an adult to hit a child but yet we tell our children is not okay to hit under any circumstance? Explain the difference to me? There is no difference. We are suppose to be role models and teach them by example and yes you can do it with a 2 yr. old. It just takes time and patience.

By Jeannie Boen
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

3226

When my children were 2 and 3 (literally, they are 18 months apart). I did not spank. I also didn't expect to be able to reason with them. I did a lot of redirection and distraction. We did a lot of practice during play time of good behaviour and I ignored a lot of bad behaviour. I did do some time outs. They were very short but worked for my kids.
I am disabled and couldn't chase my kids down. So when we were in public, croweded or dangerous places I used baby leashes. Later on, the rule was they had to hold on to me. I just came up with lots of ways to teach and instruct my kids that didn't involve spanking.

By Dawne Kornhaas
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

1312

Very good Jeannie. You became creative in your ways of handling your children.

By Latisha Moses
- commented on Oct 20, 2011

121

Idk about you guys but my kids are taught to not hit UNLESS the child hit them first. I was also spanked when needed as a child and never "feared" my mother or ran around hitting others so let's stop acting like our children are not going to understand it as well. And if they process it in that manner blame yourself. Because as adults we know if we hit or hurt someone we go to jail, now is anyone worried that when we feel someone offended us we'll throw them in our own version of jail?? Children past the age of 1 has so much understanding but MOST of them still test their limits. If your child response to lectures sure do it. But a lecture doesn't work on ALL kids. If it's taking longer that means my child has enough time to cause havoc on his/her classmates until the lecturing "kicks" in... by then they will be expelled and have court dates in 1st or 2nd grade.

By Kathleen Kitchen
- commented on Oct 20, 2011

6133

Great latisha! Here's the difference between hitting and spanking in my opinion: Spanking when used properly is effective as a light swat to let the child know enough is enough. On the bum. A HIT is not an open hand swat on the butt, but a hard thump or punch, or smack on other parts of the body, also called abuse. If you are teaching your child what hitting is, and what a spank is, they WILL know what the difference is. Mommy or Daddy spank your butt when you continue to be naughty and do (whatever it is they did), and then you have to fully teach them what a hit is, say ,,,when they hit you or something else. You tell them that was hitting and is wrong. There IS a way to teach them the difference.

By Isabel Zavala
- commented on Oct 25, 2011

015

For you all I have been spanked and with a belt, but it was not abuse. I know I was bad and didn't listen. I knew I needed to be disciplined. Believe me you all were probably spanked excessively. Spanking is not a cop out if you do it the right way. Talking to young children at young ages is hard to believe that they would understand. I know of no young child that is that mature. I would also like to know what your positive reinforcement is. Is it a bribe or is it words?

By Torie Sutton
- commented on Nov 5, 2011

158

I too have a child like that. She is 12 and feels she is above any of our rules. She is disrespectful to me and feels she is her own authority at home. She is mean to her siblings and feels she has the right to argue every single time (literally) that she gets told no. She doesn't keep up with her school work, fails her tests repeatedly, and refuses to do anything for herself. We have determined she has more going on than just the "typical" 12 yr old stage. She is going to go see a specialist because her behavior has gotten to be more than we can deal with. Not every child can be corrected easily, and spanking isn't the answer for everyone.

By MeMe - Raises her hand (-_-) (Mommy of a Toddler and Teen)
- commented on Jan 11, 2012

3,3778

I agree with Dawn 100%... As toddlers they are easy to distract - so put the time into them like a parent should and remove them from the situation, explain while at eye level with them in their words (short and sweet) the wrong in what they are doing and move on! Teach them from the get go they don't get what they want when they want but only when they deserve it. By the age of three doing the 1,2,3 method, then a time out in their room or a place where they can sit and think works wonders! There is absolutely no need to hit them or anyone! You can't hit your unruly coworker then why do you want to hit your child that you brought into this world? You brought them into the world, you'd better put all the effort into showing them positive reinforcement....

By Mauro
- commented on May 12, 2012

00

Dawne, you said " to quick and easy ". Isn't that the whole point, teach them well and a quick fix???? After that, they will sit and think about what they did. Later you can explain your view, calmly and gently. They'll understand. Kids are like sponges. We don't give them enough credit when it come to comprehension.GOD bless.

By Wendi Watson
- commented on Jun 19, 2012

729

right on dawne!

By Tabby Wogerman-Rosales
- commented on Jan 2, 2013

90

Bonnie, the middle childhood age, which is the technical range your kids are in, unfortunately come with that characteristic. I dont know the extent to which they walk all over you obviously, but what I do know is that you have to be consistent with threats. One of my grad school professors told us that when her son misbehaved she threatened to show up to his homeroom wearing something ridiculous and announce that she was his mother and sit and watch him. He didnt believe her. To his surprise, she showed up. "You keep goofing off in class, which tells me that you are still a child and I need to baby sit you." His grades dramatically improved.

By Angela Barker
- commented on Oct 21, 2013

2,4579

QUOTE: "I was spanked as a kid and feared doing anything inhibiting me to think for myself out of fear of being spanked."
That says it all. Parents who spank are lazy - it's an instant "discipline" tool, unlike other methods which aren't instant - and many pro-spankers will even admit to this!
As a formerly spanked child, I got really good at hiding my wrongdoing - but with overstrict parents even my "ordinary" behaviour might be classified as wrongdoing.
And where there is more than one child in the family, the fear of beating makes them all "squeal" on each other - self-preservation and taking the focus off yourself, putting it onto a sibling meant you might escape a beating if you could put a sibling in the spotlight.
Kids who are spanked get very creative and imaginative at ways of not getting caught and having plausible explanations ready. Parents who fault-find can also show their excitement and glee at discovering a reason to hit a child.

I believe spanking is disrespectful and wrong. Kids are people, too. You've got to be pretty close minded to be unable to think of any other effective form of discipline.

7

By Amy Ayers
- commented on Jan 3, 2012

219

It is not close-minded. With consistent discipline, and follow through, spanking is rarely needed. Usually the "threat" (not so sever, but can't think of a better word at the moment) of a spanking, behavior improves. HOWEVER, once a child has been told that a spanking will be forthcoming if behavior is not corrected, it must happen if the child continues to misbehave.
I did spank my kids a few times, but after that, they knew that I meant what I said. You cannot reason with a toddler. Sitting them down and explaining what is wrong is fine, but rarely enough. I found timeouts to be fairly useless. My children are now 7 and 11. Neither has received a spanking in years, since age 4 for each, if I recall correctly. I am not adverse to promising one though, if the situation warrants it. It always works.
Oh, and my boys are well behaved, straight-A, gentlemen. They are normal boys, but they have respect for others, and act as I would expect any well-raised child to act. Spanking has been nothing but positive in creating children that others actually don't mind being around.

By Stacy Jones
- commented on Jan 3, 2012

00

My 9 year old has a healthy respect for others, as well, but mostly because he's learned from example, not threats of being hit. I work with toddlers for a living and where as they can be hard to reason with, they can still learn the expectations and consequences of their actions without being spanked.

By Lorraine Murnane
- commented on May 12, 2012

14

I agree wholeheartedly Stacy

By Leslie Brown
- commented on Oct 29, 2012

1317

Well said. It's just physical bullying. I hope people realize it soon. It is creating another generation of adults who confuse love and controlling, violent behavior.

By Tabby Wogerman-Rosales
- commented on Jan 2, 2013

90

Very well put Stacey. You have to be PATIENT. For one, half the time kids cant regulate emotion til they are in the school age years so throwing things, biting, yelling, acting out...thats how they express themselves when they are mad because its the only way they know how. I cant stand it when people spank kids when they throw fits because they are "misbehaving." Dont pay attention to the tantrum, give them time to let it out and calm down, then go back and give them attention and talk to them about how they think the situation should have been handled, thus allowing them to be independent and make their own choices and it also teaches them that acting like that doesnt do anything, its being calm and well behaved that makes mommy happy. When you start that stuff at an early age, you wont have whining misbehaving kids when they are older.

I DO NOT believe in spanking! They are just kids and are learning.. Would you want them to hit someone else just cuz they weren't listening to them? I have a daughter in her terrible 2's she gets into everything. And doesn't listen. But never would I spank her.. There are many other forms of discipline without turning to striking your child! If you choose to spank your kid well that's your choice.. It's just my opinion that I think it's wrong..

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By Mauro
- commented on May 12, 2012

00

We're learning all the time. Young, middle-age, old. Does that mean no spanking ever?

By Wendi Watson
- commented on Jun 19, 2012

729

thats right shandi!! exactly!!! my daughter will be 2 next month and im very proud that I've Never HIT my daughter! how could i hit someone i love so much!

By Tabby Wogerman-Rosales
- commented on Jan 2, 2013

90

Yes Mauro, it does mean no spanking EVER. We are always learning, but thats not what she is talking about. These little kids are learning to function socially, cognitively and emotionally. They are learning to regulate their emotions, decifer right from wrong, learn to read people, most of all they are learning about the things around them and how things roll in this world, things that ADULTS have already learned.

I most certainly believe in spanking. I believe that a child needs to learn that there are certain actions that will provoke an immediate physical reaction. I spank my kids, thru their clothes, with an open hand. It works. Tho I use several forms of discipline, there are times I find spanking to be most effective. I would rather my kids learn now that you do certain things (hit, bite, spit) that something will happen right back.

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By Leslie Brown
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

1317

Kristyn, I wonder can you teach not to hit by hitting? Are there two sets of rules in this case? I know there are grown up rules and child rules, but is this really one of them. When you say teach, what are you teaching? That when mom says, no, it's no for sure? Don't hit/spit/kick because mom will spank you? I'm sure that gets across. However, what about respecting a person's right to say no or about keeping your hands, feet, and spit to yourself? How do you teach that with spanking? I propose that although you don't mean to, what you are really teaching your child is to avoid certain behaviors when mom is around out of fear of spanking. It may keep them from embarrassing you, but have they learn what to do or what not to do.
I know this is a lot, but I'd appreciate your reply. I really want to understand where you are coming from with this.

By Kristyn Lakey
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

405

Leslie~ I guess I need to start with the point that I don't just spank my children and let it go. Before I spank them I give them several chances to stop what they are doing. I tell them that it is not nice or appropriate behavior. After several chances I give them a swat on the butt and then explain why they got a swat. We do "talk" about it. I say talk in quotes because I do not believe that a 2-3 year old can really fully understand the conversation of appropriate behavior, respect and such. I do explain why we need to keep our hands, feet, spit to ourselves but lets be honest, kids push those bounds and don't always get that "its not nice". My kids do NOT fear me in anyway. My spankings are not harsh, my kids rarely even fuss. Its more of a reminder of what they are doing. I do try several forms of discipline because I don't think anything works all the time. Now, all I usually have to do is give my 3 year old a look and he understands he needs to quit whatever it is he's doing. I was spanked as a child, and I did/do not fear my parents. I didn't do things out of fear of a spanking, the spanking did teach me that those actions were not acceptable.

By Leslie Brown
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

1317

Thanks for your reply. It's nice to agree to disagree. :-)

By Kristyn Lakey
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

405

Leslie, I have a question. What is your preferred form of punishment? I understand your point on teaching not just punishing but I do believe kids need punishment for some of their actions. Kids need to realize they have consequences. What do you choose to do if your child misbehaves?

By Suvi Vehmala
- commented on Oct 23, 2011

1912

Kristyn; very well said, thanks!
I also always give the child a chance to quit before "it gets ugly" :D :D
And how fast they learn! Just a look is enough for my 3-year-old now and to my 2-year-old, I only have to say: "Do I have to get angry?" And with that, they behave just perfectly. :)

By Angela Von Feldt
- commented on Oct 25, 2011

06

I have also wondered this theory... I also spank as a last resort of, 'please don't hit','this is your last warning', 'do u want a spanking?' and more often than not... I end up with a swat and a time out.... I get that I'm spanking because they hit but when all else fails...?? Then after a spanking and time out, we always explain why they received it, hug they apologize and we go about our day.

By Paige Bryant
- commented on Mar 30, 2014

00

My son was never, ever confused by this. Yes; I spanked him one time for hitting. All else failed, and certainly "please don't hit" was not getting the message across.
In fairness, the boy he was hitting was smaller than him, had taken a toy he wanted, and the smaller boy's mom was not around. I told my son what he was doing was not nice, I told him to stop it, I dragged him away & he kicked free to go back and hit the smaller boy again (who was crying by then). So I spanked my child. And I did not feel at all guilty either.
He stopped hitting, started crying.
Later; I asked him if he thought I was wrong to hit him when I wanted him to not hit others, and he said, "No. I didn't realize hitting hurt THAT much!"
Lesson learned.

Spanking is effective. there is a difference between spanking and abause. Done the proper way, it is a good form of discipline. With that said, i was spanked as a child and did not grow up to be a serial killer, hatwful, mean, or act innappropriate. I believe firmly in spanking.

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By Lyndie Brown
- commented on Oct 18, 2011

130

What is the "proper way?" And what, in your opinion, warrants a spanking?

By Rachel Newsome
- commented on Oct 18, 2011

3424

Not in an abusive manner. For discipline, when the child does not listen and certainly only when they are old enough.

By Lyndie Brown
- commented on Oct 18, 2011

130

People all have different views on what's abusive and what's not. What is old enough? What form of discipline is used until that age?

By Kathleen Kitchen
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

6133

Lyndie, I think as a people in general, most of the worlds population of good parents would say that a small swat on the bum with an open hand is not abuse. If you are leaving welts, or bruises...yes, that's wrong. As far as what age is rigt to start to spank,in my opinion, it is different for every child. You have to start young but they need to know that a spanking is done when they don't listen to our words of discipline. My son started to undrstand what a spanking was around age 18 months.

By Christie 'Pataky' Rouse
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

1612

Ah, perfect example of what I said in my other post about your way or no way! I think this mother would know when her own child is old enough for a spanking. There's not standard age. For me, when my kids where old enough to mess they were old enough to get a tap on their hand and a no no. Not even enough to make it hurt, but to know that if you're doing something with his hand that can hurt you, I will bring attention directly to that hand while telling you no. Yes, I could've just redirect them, and I would after letting them know it was wrong, but if you just simply redirect a 9mth old they're going to go right back to what they were doing the next time and the next time could be the time they got hurt. Each child is an individual a we parents adapt to their individual needs for everything, including how they're disciplined. If I thought at 9mths old I could sit down and explain their behavior to them maybe I would've. If I thought at 12mths I could sit them down in time out and they would actually understand what They were there for, maybe I would've done that. But I know my kids and know the best way to raise them.

By Christie 'Pataky' Rouse
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

1612

Oh, and my personal definition of abusive varies. For an older child 9/10 I think leaving a red mark would be ok. I think leaving a red mark on a baby/toddler is too much. And I think ever leaving a bruise is abuse. I think 1 spanking gets the point across. I think if you got a belt out and spanked them several times, that's abuse.

By Kristyn Lakey
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

405

Well put Christie!!! Completely agree!!!

By Kaitlyn Body
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

714

Abusive: When you feel as though you are taking all your anger, frustration out on your child and have no intention of trying to teach them to respect and obey you, the parent.
Old enough: When they are able to understand you and small tasks.
Discipline for the younger than 2yrs. old.....try flicking their hand when they reach for the things that they are not allowed to touch. It souldn't leave a mark and it slowly teaches them to obey you....worked for my daughter who is 2. Consistency is the KEY.

By Latisha Moses
- commented on Oct 20, 2011

121

Kaitlyn abuse is any over the top discipline... timeouts can be abusive if it's too long or makes the child miss a meal or two. Flicking a child can be considered abuse if you flick them say on the lip and you broke skin. Each child is different and needs their own parent to decide severity and when and what to be disciplined about. I don't rush in and spank I actually wait a few minutes and talk about it and then spank SOMETIMES. Other times I tell them I wanted to spank them but I won't and if they messed up their second chance I will spank them next time.. each child has to be handled different.

By Jamie Arruda
- commented on Oct 22, 2011

17

The main thing is to keep your cool and never spank in anger. Save spanking for use in response to rebellion and if the child is doing an action that will harm themselves or others. Also, if they intentionally hurt someone. Spanking stops when the child submits. Follow these guidelines, and I don't see how one could be abusive. When to start depends on the child. When you can tell that they are intentionally disobeying you, that is the time. For our daughter, it was at about 6 mos. She had a very defiant look in her eyes and would fight me on the diaper table. That is when her spankings began, but for every kid it is different.

By Patricia Cameron
- commented on Oct 27, 2011

374

The proper way is the way God tells you in the bible. There is no other way.

By Paige Bryant
- commented on Mar 30, 2014

00

I am an atheist. I spank out of common sense.
Does the Bible say something about it? I wouldn't know nor care. My son was spanked and he is very polite, well behaved, and HAPPY.

i say this all the time .the only time i think it ok to slap your child is for safty iusse like your in a parking lot or street or near hot strove u keeo saying dont do that whgatever they not listing .then i would beter to slapm there bum once then get hit by a car or get bably burn .but i think time outs or other things should be done first depends on thde kid .when i took care of my neive an newophew .i did time outs loose a privlige .only once i slap them each booth for safty iusse .other then that no

By Paige Bryant
- commented on Mar 30, 2014

00

I think ALL punishment is wrong.
Sticking them in the corner teaches them false imprisonment is okay.
Locking them in their room teaches them that locking someone up is okay.
Restraining them teaches that pinning someone down is okay.
Bathing them means seeing someone naked is okay.
Putting them to bed means sleeping around is okay.

Absolutely not! This is the part of my answer where I assure everyone that I know we are all doing the best we can with our kids. Haveing said that, I tried a couple of swats when my oldest was a toddler and did not .like how I felt or the results she displayed afterwards. I have found so many other things that work better.

I am wanting to teach my kids the best life skills to succeed as an adult. I do that by example, repititon, logical consequences, rewards and a variety of other teaching techniques. I don't hit my children to get them to obey me. And to me the bottom line of spanking (pun intended) is that I am hitting my child, however carefully, so that she will obey me. And I am most certainly not concerned with temporary snits or attitudes. These are little people who will grow up. As grown ups we still have our snits and attitudes we have just learned to be more polite about it. My kids will too.

Spanking is a bad idea whose time has come and gone.

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By Kathleen Kitchen
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

6133

It's nice that you have found other ways of discipline, but some children need more. It doesn't make it a bad idea. It is the foundation of discipline from long ago.
Proverbs 23:13-14
King James Version (KJV)
13Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.
14Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.

By Latisha Moses
- commented on Oct 20, 2011

121

So what would you do if your 1st grader decided he's going to kick the trash can and throw crayons at the other students and throw over his desk oh yeah and rip up his school work, because the 1st grade teacher told him to stop talking in class?? And this behavior was happening oh I don't know every DAY!! Oh and fyi I talked and timeout and took away... but after I spanked a few different times that behavior ceased!!

By Jeannie Boen
- commented on Oct 20, 2011

3226

Latisha, I can't answer that because I don't know the first grader, the teacher or various other parts of the picture. I am glad he is doing better now. I would not have spanked him. What would I have done instead? Well, it depends. First off, I do believe that classroom behaviour and classroom managment are pretty much the teacher's responsibility. If there is a big problem and I was contacted we would work together. I would probably put together a series of rewards for good days and consequences (not spanking) for bad days.
One of my children has a number of special needs. I am used to working with the teachers about her. She is doing great now without spankings. It does take longer sometimes to change behaviour without spanking.

By Latisha Moses
- commented on Oct 20, 2011

121

Well my son doesn't have any special needs (sorry to hear that by the way) he was tested and everything. He just needed a little bit of tough love and he was brought back to reality. Lol. Honestly I believe every child is different and the parents lucky enough to not have to spank their kids I'm happy for them. But some kids really do push the limits to the point that you look around and ask if there's cameras rolling and if this is a joke. I believe the teenage kids that appear on "Maury" and such just probably needed ONE good spank the FIRST time they misbehaved. Cause some children do over do it with the softer voice parents.

By Jeannie Boen
- commented on Oct 20, 2011

3226

I think I started my first answer with the disclaimer that I know we are all doing the best we can with our kids. And that's the crucial thing - they are our kids. I don't believe in spanking my kids. For many reasons, some of which I have outlined here, it doesn't work for for or my kids.
I have no problems with parents who give a swat or two to their children, not in anger and out of loving motivation. I believe that some of my anti spank sentiment was fostered in childhood whien I saw children being spanked out of angry retribution (not my parents). I will restate that I absolutely believe that spanking is usually disasterous for special needs kids. Peace and hugs to all the moms out there doing the toughest job in the world, the best they know how to.

By Leslie Brown
- commented on Oct 25, 2011

1317

Latisha, what good would spanking do? The child is expressing displeasure. Why punish him for that. The behavior is offensive, so teach him how to behave in a way that isn't. I keep reading how "some kids need more than that" or "spanking is the only way to show them you are serious" or "spanking gets the point across." Really? A person half your size with little or no education, a still-developing brain, and super sensitive emotions can't be taught to do things without hitting them. I don't buy that. I think parents want to make their children do something the quickest easiest way they see fit, not because it's the best way or the most effective way, but because they get angry or frustrated and don't want to find out what the real problem is and solve it.
It should be illegal to hit a child. ILLEGAL! It's illegal to hit and adult, why is it not illegal to hit a child? Because spanking proponents think it's discipline. Call it what you want, but it's not discipline. Use your brain, not your hands to discipline your children. If they don't listen, maybe it's the messenger.

By April Thompson
- commented on Feb 18, 2012

71

Jeannie, I agree to a point that a teacher does have the responsibility to maintain control in managing the classroom, but not the behavior of children who are truly out of control! It is a parent(s) job to teach their child(ren) the proper way to behave at home and outside the home! Teachers can not teach out of control children, period! Children who are turning over trash cans, destroying the classroom, turning over desks, throwing things at other children and teachers, hitting teachers and other children and cursing at teachers and other children need serious discipline!!!! I work in a daycare/preschool and I can tell you which children are truly disciplined and which ones aren't just by their behavior and how they interact with their parents when they are dropped off and picked up. Let's just say that if my 4 year old son ever tried to do any of the things I have witnessed and had done to me and the other teachers I work with, then he would never do any of them again!!! Children need a good butt spanking sometimes, especially when redirection, time outs, etc. are not working!!! What would you do if a child in your care (not your own) spit in your face, punched you in the stomach and told you to go f**k off when you asked him to clean up his activity before lunch? I know what I really wanted to do with this disrespectful, bratty, foul-mouthed juvenile deliquent, but I am not his parent, so my hands were tied- just send to office and wrote it up. By the way, this child acts this bad almost everyday- gets sent out because behavior is out of control and redirection is not working!!!!!!!! Why should I or any other teacher have do deal with this type of child and fear that we could be seriously hurt one day or the other children get hurt too? I have a son too and I want to come home to him uninjured! There are children like this in every classroom in every state- some much worse then others, but teachers are not there to be a parent to those children, but all to often the teacher is the only one showing the child right from wrong and trying to teach positive behavior! This is wrong and should not be the sole responsibility of the teacher!! Parents need to be doing it from home first, otherwise a teacher can only do so much to help a child's inappropriate behavior especially out of control behavior!!!! Don't have children if you do not want the job of being a true parent!!!!

I do believe in spanking. It is only used as a last resort though. When I was pregnant with my first child, I discussed this topic with the ultrasound Tech. We both believe that an open handed swat on the buns is fine. The first swat is for the child, and additional swats are for you and excessive!
I prefer to use time outs, sticker charts, and taking away toys that are favorites, until they earn them back. We also have "specials" where the kids earn their daily stickers after a period of time we reward them for their good behavior, like going to frozen yogurt etc. I'd rather reward for good behavior than punish for bad. This helps so that bad behavior is less frequent! The kids like to be good, to be helpful, to get rewards.

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By Jamie Arruda
- commented on Oct 22, 2011

17

I would have to disagree that more than one swat is always excessive. It depends on whether or not your child has submitted after the first swat. If you have a STUBBORN child like mine, one swat will just make her smirk at you and she'll test your boundaries to see if you'll follow through with more discipline. If a child is affected by one swat, wonderful, but if they are still unwilling to submit, more may be necessary.

By Beth Thrall
- commented on Oct 22, 2011

414

Thank you for your reply. I can totally respect what you are saying. You have to do what works for you and your child. No two are the same, that is certain. :)

By Suvi Vehmala
- commented on Oct 23, 2011

1912

All good points of views. :)

By Amy
- commented on Dec 7, 2011

90

I also have to disagree with you, my 19 month old daughter really doesn't have any favorite toys that she would care if I took them away from her. She would rather have her way at the moment. As far as her favorite food, what child is going to remember a reward when they are having a temper tantrum at that age?

I absolutely do not and I don't believe there is anything a child could possibly do to warrant a spanking. I believe that spanking or hitting a child is wrong, although I wouldn't go as far as calling cps unless I believe it is extreme. I don't think it teaches the child anything except that hitting is acceptable. If mommy or daddy hit me, shouldn't I be able to hit them or others? And who is to say what the right amour of force behind a spank is, without "crossing the line?" There are plenty of other great, effective and positive ways to discipline a child, spanking, in my opinion, is always an unnecessary, inappropriate and negative course of action. If you need ideas on discipline, I suggest you visit <http://www.supernanny.co.uk/>.

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By Lyndie Brown
- commented on Oct 18, 2011

130

Typo: right amount

By Kathleen Kitchen
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

6133

spanking and hitting are 100% different. I think all of us on here would agree that hitting is wrong. A spank is just a light swat on the bum when other forms do not work. What do you suggest a parent do when a child does not listen ever??? Let them act out? I think not.

By Carrie Reid
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

910

I am pretty sure that none of us NON Spankers are saying that (and I see we are a minority here).
I have lots of suggestions if you want them.

By Lyndie Brown
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

130

Kids must know boundaries, parents must be consistant. Time outs do work. If a kid doesn't listen ever, that's partly, if not mostly, the parents fault. What does spanking do that a time out can't? If your child hits another child, is their consiquence a spank, which in a little kids head is a hit? What do you do in a situation where you're out playing and they misbehave, do they get a spanking then go right back to playing? When do they get the think about their actions? I just don't understand the concept of spanking and see it as nothing but negative. Like I said before, I have never spanked my 3 and1/2 year old daughter and she is one of the best behaved children I have known.
And "just letting them act out" is absolutely not the answer, by saying that, you basically are saying that spanking is the ONLY way of discipline...

By Kenyatta Ector
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

111

You were saying that if mommy and daddy can hit why can't the child...ok, the word hitting to me is like fighting, but spanking is different. Plus a child is not entitled to do anything that an adult does because they are just that: A child. And a child should stay in a childs place. Spanking should go with teaching. I have 2 boys ages 9 and 6 and I can't remember the last time I had to spank them. But I have in the past. Spanking taught them that there are consequences for certain types of behavior. Both of my kids excel in school, do great socially and are very happy children. Its the parents that abuse and beat thier kids that are wrong. They give spanking a bad rap.

By Kristyn Lakey
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

405

A 2 year old doesn't "think about his actions" in a time out. They are thinking about having to sit there not why they shouldn't have done it. If your child is older then maybe sitting down and talking or a time out to think about things might work but a 2 year old and 18 month old aren't "thinking". Plus, as stated above, moms and dads can do things that children can't. I am spanking my child, not hitting them. To me hitting is fighting, smacking, slapping. I use an open hand on their butt once. It is more of a reminder then anything. Honestly, most of the time my children don't even cry. They SCREAM if I put them in time outs tho.

By Christie 'Pataky' Rouse
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

1612

Really? I was spanked as a child and I NEVER thought that meant it was ok to hit my parents or anyone else! I was taught morals to know what was right and wrong (hitting my parents or a kid at school) and I was disciplined with a spanking when I did what was wrong any ways. I think kids are smart enough to know the difference. And I do see that most of the non spankers think their way is the only way so I will tell everyone now, that NO, I do not want your parenting lessons and tips on different methods. I will keep on doing what I'm doing, you keep on doing what you're doing. We all want the best for our kids and will do what we. Feel is right for them.

By Leslie Brown
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

1317

I keep reading about how spanking is "just a little swat" or "just a tap," etc. If it's so minor, why bother. If a child isn't paying attention to you, you swat, tap, hit them? Then what? What have they learned to pay attention to you or to their teacher in school? I think they have learned not to make you upset or to pay attention when you are watching so that they don't get a "swat." My point is they avoid the punishment rather than applying the teaching because there is none.

By Kristyn Lakey
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

405

I do it so they learn there are consequences to their actions. Yes, kids need taught how to behave. They also need taught that there are consequences when they misbehave. You don't quit when you are told to quit then you are going to have a punishment. I don't think sparing your child the punishment is doing them any favors because the rest of the world wont. I would rather them figure out the consequences from me then the schools or the police. So yes I teach my kids, I love my kids, but I also punish my kids when necessary. To me that shows them that I do love them!

By Lyndie Brown
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

130

I agree, Carrie. I had tried to post a comment earlier that was really good but it didn't post darnit!! But no, my daughter definitely does NOT walk all over me and she has NEVER been spanked.

By zoe kinson
- commented on Oct 20, 2011

1001

Spanking and hitting are different words, same action.

By Jo Post
- commented on Apr 12, 2012

100

I agree with Zoe......Hitting by any other name is still hitting: spanking, swatting, smacking, etc. just "SOUND" less painful, but they aren't!!

By Paige Bryant
- commented on Mar 30, 2014

00

My son was never, ever confused by this. Yes; I spanked him one time for hitting. All else failed, and certainly "please don't hit" was not getting the message across. In fairness, the boy he was hitting was smaller than him, had taken a toy he wanted, and the smaller boy's mom was not around. I told my son what he was doing was not nice, I told him to stop it, I dragged him away & he kicked free to go back and hit the smaller boy again (who was crying by then). So I spanked my child. And I did not feel at all guilty either. He stopped hitting, started crying. Later; I asked him if he thought I was wrong to hit him when I wanted him to not hit others, and he said, "No. I didn't realize hitting hurt THAT much!" Lesson learned.

I do not believe in spanking, me and my daughter Grandmother have talked and talked about this from day one. I was spanked when I was a child - obviously I didn't like it. But, I feel if I go around spanking her & putting my hands on her she will think its okay do to the same. Everyone has their own oppinions I however think it isnt needed.

5

By Leslie Brown
- commented on Oct 29, 2012

1317

Yes!

By Lora Brown
- Posted on Nov 6, 2011

10110

No I don't believe in spanking. I think it's confusing to children. Why would someone who says they love me and protect me ," HOW CAN THEY HIT ME" doesn't make since to me. I think there are so many other forms of disciplining our children without hitting them. I think it creates bullies and also makes our children insecure about themselves. Don't get me wrong sometimes I've wanted to, but I haven't. There are all sorts of studies to show why spanking doesn't work. PLEASE READ. Yes I know the Bible says Spare the Rod spoil the child. But I've never thought it was right.

5

By Sharon Scowcroft
- commented on Jun 7, 2012

459

I have never known a child who was spanked that was a bully unless they were actually abused. That is a totally different issue. The children I know who were spanked were much better behaved than the ones who weren't and were much more secure with their parents. The ones who aren't spanked are usually totally out of control and show the parents zero respect. Plus other people watch as they control their parents and try to control other adults around them, much to the annoyance of other people having to deal with the child with no self control. There are numerous studies that show that spankings do work unless it is done abusively. God knew what he was talking about in the bible, he is God after all. We are swayed by our opinions and resentments of authority. The devil is the one who wants people to not control their children so he can control them instead because they are easy targets because they never learned boundaries.

By Cherith Regue
- Posted on Oct 18, 2011

1325

Back in the day Spanking was the way ..it touch us how to be disciplined as well have respect for the elder .
These days children have the law by their side if you "hit" them and this leads to no discipline ,no respect and lots of back chats
As a parent you know the best way of raising your child as you are the FIRST teacher in your child's life
So yes i believe in spanking ..ONLY when necessarily to let the child know the right from wrong as screaming and standing in a corner becomes such a norm routine for them .
Like the saying goes ..bend the tree while it is still young

5

By Devra Waterman
- Posted on Oct 18, 2011

25

I was spanked as a child and love my parents for it. I agree, there are more than one way to train a child, but spanking is very effective and not at all abusive when done correctly. Something I learned early on was that you never spank when you are upset or angry and NEVER use your hands. We had a paddle that was designated for the task and it hung in my parent's room as a reminder. Hands were never used (except in dire need) because they are for loving. My husband was not spanked correctly as a child and had to learn these new techniques and has a testimony about the difference in the two. We also have instituted the use of a smaller stick rather than a paddle for smaller ones and it is a great training tool for the super resistant. Just stings a bit, no bruising or long term effects. I think spanking is a great tool used in the hands of a responsible adult.

5

By Sarah P
- commented on Oct 18, 2011

20

Wow not sure what country you are in, but FYI spanking with any object other than your hand is against the law. Using your so called paddle or stick is abuse and you can be charged with a criminal offence!

By Kathleen Kitchen
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

6133

Sarah,,, just because some gov't officials say it is wrong don't mean they are right to enforce that law. as we have seen, The gov't is wrong a lot. It is not abuse unless you are using it in an abusive way, say beating a child because you had a bad day. Do you NOT know the difference? Really? Come on.

By Patricia Cameron
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

374

Sarah P do you spank your kids?

By Devra Waterman
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

25

Sarah, as a matter of law and fact, I live in the good 'ole US of A and it is NOT against the law to use paddles, belts, whips, etc. Check your laws where you are, maybe it's specific to your state/country. See http://dcfabuse.com/united_states_statutes_pertainin_to_spanking.html for more info. More specifically, the laws in my state actually account for use of a stick, rod, paddle or whatever needs to be used as long as it doesn't cause bruising or long-term, cumulative damage.
Personally, I believe spanking with a hand is abuse because hands can not only cause MORE damage (causing misalignment of spines, etc.) than sticks; they are (in my mind) for loving, as I said in the beginning. Rods of correction are Biblical and ordained by G-d, as others have mentioned. Taking the time to gather the right equipment for training and discipline also ensures the child understands what is happening and gets prepared mentally for retribution, rather than being smacked on the spot and constantly being in fear of being "hit" rather than punished. I noticed this specifically in regards to my youngest when I did use my hand a few times (out of immediate need for training) and she cowered when I would reach for her later. Not acceptable behavior in my book and I don't want to encourage that. Now that we use the spanking stick (or shoe or whatever), it gives the child time to understand they did something wrong and correct the behavior. Sometimes, all I have to do it retrieve the stick and lay it in sight and suddenly all problems cease.
The purpose of this forum is not to debate or belittle anyone for their system of training but to share sides of the issue. I do not belittle or berate you for your stance (whatever that may be as you are not clear), be respectful of mine and others. That's part of being open-minded and enjoying the freedom we have to express our religious freedoms and beliefs. We don't have to agree, but we also don't have to call each other names or start fights because we don't see eye to eye. I don't tell you how to parent, don't suppose you know or understand my situation well enough to judge and pass judgement on my choices.
And do your research before making off-hand comments that are just not true.

By Kaitlyn Body
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

714

Yes, Sarah it's only abuse if the mark left there is still there after a day. And not illegal in your own home. I have a cop father-in-law, he definately knows whats right and wrong...oh and has 9 kids himself (one being my husband). Devra, I totally respect you and agree with you. You and your husband are probably doing a great job with your children. So, I have always thought to myself, back in the "olden days" (1800's, earlier and later than that too), the children where well behaved children back then. Has any of the parents these days thought about why that is and why the kids of today are disrespectful and abusive themselves?...cause parents didnt care enough to correct wrong behavior. Children need to take their parents seriously, that will keep their kids on the straight and narrow and grow to be wonderful, respectful and nice adults.

By Sarah P
- commented on Oct 20, 2011

20

No I don't and do not plan to.

By Sarah P
- commented on Oct 20, 2011

20

Regardless of whether or not I know the difference it is still against the law. A lot of people are not aware of this and I have no idea if you are or not or even if it is illegal where you live. Yes, the government is wrong a lot, but parents are sometimes wrong too.

By Sarah P
- commented on Oct 20, 2011

20

Well thank goodness I don't live in the good 'ole US of A, but in the country that I live in it is most definitely against the law to spank any child under the age of 2 or over the age of 12, to use anything other than an open palm and to use an object. I could care less whether or not you spank your child, but I am adamantly against the use of a stick.

By Jeannie Boen
- commented on Oct 25, 2011

3226

Not sure where the comments are coming from but in this state it is considered an illegal spanking if pain is more then "transient" and red marks are left for more then a few minutes. Welts and more extreme marks would be considered automatic abuse. Just saying...

I have 5 children, 2 are now adults, and I have never raised a hand to any of my children. My last 3 kids are adopted and suffered serious abuse, so no way were we going to give them anymore reasons to fear others. I have NEVER needed to assault my children in order to correct their behaviour. The whole point of disciplining your child is to teach them to self-regulate. Discipline should teach a child what they have done wrong. When done properly, discipline is incredibly effective, and spanking is not needed. I have never understood what in the world parents believe their are teaching their children by hitting them. What is that teaching them? Not much, except that it's ok to assault someone who is smaller than you. My children have never been hit, and yet, they are incredibly well disciplined. My kids are respectful, compassionate, empathetic, kind and patient, and that is because of what we modeled for them and because of the limits and boundaries we set. Natural consequences are much more efficient.

4

By Liza Cabrera-Villacrusis
- Posted on Oct 27, 2011

012

Hi I am a mother of 13 and 8 and eversince I dont actually believe in spanking my children to listen to me.Children nowadays are very different as compare to our generation. I still believe in an open communication and explain to them what is not good and what is not based on our opinions at the same time I also ask their opinions we dont under estimate their thinking actually even their children. They are well expose and sometimes you will be surprise of their reasoning.

4

By Ann Penton
- Posted on Oct 18, 2011

118

Yes, i believe in spanking.. my parents do it and it didnt hurt it us we are still alive and walking around. NOW i dont believe that abusing your child.. if you are going to spank a child one swat per age and not enough to leave marks but enough to get their attention!

4

By vallealma
- Posted on Oct 26, 2011

04

Do you permit that somebody spank to you if you do something wrong? do you imagine the vision of your child when you do it? for them we are more bigger and strong like giants for us? For me one change in the opposite direction was better sometimes kiss and hugs make a change

3

By Jennifer Brooks
- Posted on Oct 20, 2011

291

Well I have spanked my child (lightly) a few times. I threaten a lot too because it gets her to stop from doing something. Although when I have threatened it sometimes, she has said "Mommy, don't hit me". It breaks my heart when she has said that as if I beat her up! I don't at all. So I have told myself I am not going to do that again, I don't need her saying that as school or any where else!

3

By Latisha Moses
- commented on Oct 23, 2011

121

And I believe because she didn't like the spanking when you speak and correct her from then on she will listen. Sounds like she's a good child just testing her limits only a little!! :-)

By Paige Bryant
- commented on Mar 30, 2014

00

Hope she's not getting the idea that using the word "hit" in place of "spank" is what is getting you to back way off. My son knew the word was "spank". If he'd tried the whole "don't hit me" I would say: "I won't because I never do. What I do is SPANK you."

I was spanked as a child when I disobeyed my mother. I didn't fear her nor have any killer tendencies. I'm dying to hear these proven "longterm effects" because of spankings?? But my 11yr old was "saved" by that same mother when he was younger from any form of discipline. To the point that when we finally moved out on our own he was out of control. I talked and timeout until I was blue in the face. He understood what he did was wrong but didn't care. He was HITTING children he was disrespecting teachers and the principle... I.e. throwing desk, ripping up school work, writing swears on his school work. Until I started reminding him who's BOSS and I finally pointed out that Nana isn't here to spoil you, and got in his a$$ with spankings (all the other stuff wasn't working) He's a well mannered 11 yr old now, very polite does his school work and homework. LISTENS to me without further actions needed and his sister sees this and follows in line. Now don't get me wrong they aren't perfect I still have to tell them keep their rooms clean and put away their laundry and he does tease his sister. But I can't imagine where my son would've been heading by now if I didn't up the discipline.

3

By Leslie Brown
- commented on Oct 21, 2011

1317

Latisha, although I don't spank, I can relate to your comments. I grew in around people with the same idea of "spoiling" a child or "getting in his behind" to straighten him out. I think your experience with what you describe as an overly permissive grandparent gave you the idea that the resultwas your son's fault. It wasn't. If she was his guide and he behaved in a way you disapproved, why blame him and not his Nana?
Perhaps it would be helpful to find out why he's acting out. And, if the other non-physical methods don't work, it's not because he's too difficult. Maybe your preference for spanking made you ineffective at applying those methods. Just my thoughts...
I'm happy that your family is well, and I wish you all the best.

By Latisha Moses
- commented on Oct 23, 2011

121

Leslie simply put everyone's child or children are different. It's either they listen without further action or you need to make them listen. I don't believe in pleading with a child. I feel I should speak ONCE and that's that. If I try timeout and you only respect the rules if I sit there too then I'm concluding timeouts DON'T work. If I take your toy box and t.v. privileges away and you decide your entertainment is harassing your little sister then taking away isn't bothering him. If I lecture and have you acknowledge what's wrong and why it's wrong and the very next morning you're back at it again SPEAKING isn't working either. If I ask why are you misbehaving and you tell me because you feel the teacher shouldn't tell you your wrong, then you clearly believe you're above the rules.
So with that being said please don't tell me what I did or didn't try. You're lucky to have a kid that is easily disciplined, I wasn't. We both have the same end results what's the big deal??

By Isabel Zavala
- commented on Oct 25, 2011

015

Leslie Brown I would like you to know why I acted out. It is because I wanted to. Do you understand that she isn't blaming her child. She is doing what is best for her child. As she put it She talk to her child. I guess you were a very good girl when you were younger. As a problem child my self I understand you have to show the child who is the boss. When I got spanked I listen. When I got Grounded I laughed and snuck out. When I got extra duties I did them and got in trouble again. Being grounded I listen but didn't if you know what I mean. Yes spanking hurt my feelings but it allowed me to listen and understand why I got the spanking. I wanted to know why they hurt my feelings. Then I would be oh that is why.

By Jamie Arruda
- commented on Oct 26, 2011

17

In this situation, I do not see the mother punishing the son for the actions of the grandmother. I see the mother teaching her child that he is responsible for his own actions, reguardless of whether grandma "parented" (or grand-parented) him the right way or not. If an adult commits a crime, do we send the parents to jail? No, because the offender used his own free will to commit the crime, no matter what influences he had in his life. It is illogical to say that to spank a child is to punish them for grandma's mistakes.

I do believe in spanking as a form of discipline. I do not like to use it very often. Usually I will use a corner or naughty chair. Spanking comes as a last resort. My daughter is VERY strong willed, and many times those things do not keep her from disrespecting me. But a swat on the butt works just about every time...Just depends on the situation. I was spanked as a child, A LOT. I never feared my parents, but I always respected them. When I hear about children calling their parents names and the parents do nothing about it. And people wonder why our children are in such bad shape these days. It shocks me when I hear about those types of children and I can't ever understand how these children can get away with it.

3

By Kaitlyn Body
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

714

I agree Holly, parents are just sitting back and letting their children sun them over...and they wonder why their kid is doing drugs, drinking under age and in prison.....shhhheesh.

By zoe kinson
- commented on Oct 20, 2011

1001

my DD absolutely does not get away with bad behavior, still dont hit her

No, I don't. You can't hit a child & then tell them not to hit others. It is a cop out and expression of anger using a physical form of punishment of force and creating fear. I was spanked as a kid and feared doing anything inhibiting me to think for myself out of fear of being spanked. I have 2 kids and they are very well behaved. I believe in redirection and using positive reinforcement. When they do something they shouldn't have, we sit down and discuss why it was wrong, and how it could have been better. It takes more time but that is the problem with spanking, it is too quick and easy for parents to resort too when caught up in the heat of the moment. Try a time out instead. It lets the parent calm down & stops the childs behavior in its tracks. Then they can sit and think about what they just did & how it resulted in a time out.

3

By Lyndie Brown
- commented on Oct 20, 2011

130

Right!!! Like cussing in front of a kid and then wondering why they say those words and getting them in trouble for it! Can't spank then punish them for hitting, and it seems especially silly to punish a hit by spanking! Ha!

By Kathleen Kitchen
- commented on Oct 20, 2011

6133

Hitting and spanking are totally different. A spank should never be more than a light swat on the tush, and used when "talking" doesn't. I don't believe a 2-3 yr old knows how to "talk" about it yet. Yes older kids can talk things over, but not the young ones so much. Spanking out of anger is wrong,I agree. I think most of us spankers on here never feel good about it when we have to do it, and don't do it just because we are angry. It's done because ALL ELSE fails. But let's face it, after 4-5 times of trying to get your child to stop... and putting them in time out as you call it, and they still act out...what else is there to do? You HAVE to draw the line at how far they can try to push you. Some kids need a spank.

By Stacie Willits Campbell
- commented on Oct 20, 2011

29

Exactly Lyndie! I so agree with you! When a child is too young to talk to as you say Kathleen, you can redirect the child on to something else. Alot of times when my child was age 2-3 he was only acting out for some other reason. Whether it be that he was bored, tired, hungry or whatever. Once I thought about what other reason could be behind the behavior I would modify what was going on to help the situation. If redirecting doesn't work then try ignoring the behavior if it's not a safety risk. My son went through the tantrum phase between 2-3 yrs & once he found out that mom & dad just ignored it & didn't react to it the way he wanted it quickly stopped. We were also consistent with what we did so he knew we would not budge on our decisions & that arguing with us would not get him anywhere. At age 3 we can totally reason with him and talk to him now. You never "have to" spank your child & they certainly don't "need" a spank. It just shows the child that when you get upset you resort to hitting/spanking. I don't see how these are any different & I'm sure a child would have trouble understanding the difference too.

By Leslie Brown
- commented on Oct 23, 2011

1317

Ver well said, Stacie!

By Paige Bryant
- commented on Mar 30, 2014

00

My son was never, ever confused by this. Yes; I spanked him one time for hitting. All else failed, and certainly "please don't hit" was not getting the message across. In fairness, the boy he was hitting was smaller than him, had taken a toy he wanted, and the smaller boy's mom was not around. I told my son what he was doing was not nice, I told him to stop it, I dragged him away & he kicked free to go back and hit the smaller boy again (who was crying by then). So I spanked my child. And I did not feel at all guilty either. He stopped hitting, started crying. Later; I asked him if he thought I was wrong to hit him when I wanted him to not hit others, and he said, "No. I didn't realize hitting hurt THAT much!" Lesson learned.

Charmaine, not surpised your kids do as you say ...they are probably terrified of you

2

By Sharon Scowcroft
- commented on Jun 7, 2012

459

I spanked my children and they were never terrified of me. How ridiculous. If you show your children love and affection and only use spankings in a reasonable manner when nothing else works, they learn boundaries without being terrified. Do you only not break the law because you are terrified of the police or because you know there are consequences if you go too far? All the children I know who aren't spanked rule their homes and are total brats that nobody can stand to be around.

By Jessica Gilbert
- Posted on Oct 19, 2011

55

I saw some one post about punishment (penalizing, e.g., spanking) and discipline (teaching). When my daughter acts out which is very rare she gets 3 chances to stop the behavior. I explain to her what she is doing, why it is wrong and ask her to please stop. If she does not listen the first time I tell her the same thing the second time and if I have to repeat myself a third time that is when I mention the spanking at the end. I rarely have to spank using this method. It teaches BOTH teaching and punishment. It teaches my daughter that when I tell her not do something that she should listen. I also explain to her how and why her behavior is inappropriate, and I give her a few chances to correct that behavior before dishing out the punishment. After I spank I explain to her why she got this spanking, so I disagree with the fact that spanking does not teach a child. That being said I never spank my child when I'm angry. Spanking when already pushed to the limits is what pushed parents across the line of punishment and abuse in my opinion.

2

By Alison Grattan
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

14104

My 2.5 year old son is the same way. I tell him that if he doesnt listen the next time he gets a spanking. Then I dont just fly out of nowhere and spank him, I tell him that you did(whatever he did) and I told you that you were gonna get a spanking. This is usally a last resort and happens maybe 1 out of 9 times but I think its effective.

By Jessica Gilbert
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

55

I have the same results. Very rarely do I actually have to spank her (she is also 2.5). Normally after the 1st warning she stops acting out. She's still young though so I prefer to give multiple warnings to give her a chance to understand.

By Kristyn Lakey
- commented on Oct 19, 2011

405

My son is 3 and daughter is almost 20mths and they both know that when I say they will get spanked, they will. Now, I barely ever have to touch either of them. They quit instantly because they know whats coming. I tend to give at least 3 warnings before any thing happens because they are both little still.

There are countries where spanking, or any form of physical punishment, has been outlawed. You hit your child, you go to jail.

I have three daughters who all are experts at testing boundaries. So, I understand parents who consider corporal punishment. However, we have taught our children not to hit other people. Hitting them, simply because we are feeling fed up, would demonstrate a "Do as I say, not as I do" attitude that our children would latch onto very, very quickly.

1

By Paige Bryant
- commented on Mar 30, 2014

00

Sweden is one of those countries were spanking has been outlawed. They do not have a millennial generation like we do. Instead, they must transfer in immigrants from other countries to pay taxes to take care of their childless elderly.

By Mara Mandel
- Posted on Nov 8, 2012

00

In no way do I believe in spanking a child. I was never spanked as a child but I watched my brother get spanked a lot, and also get his mouth washed out with soap a lot. I am the older sibling, and watching this made me cry in pain for my brother and in fear of my parents. I grew up in a very verbally aggressive household. However, one time , when I was a late teen, my mother and I were arguing and she punched me on my arm, I just punched her right back and much harder! My dad also tried to come at me a while back. Violence, no matter how "little" or "non violent" the act seems to be to you, the parent, It is always the world to the child. Do you want your baby, toddler, teenager to be fearful of you? That is no king of parent child relationship. I am a single mother of a beautiful 16 month old daughter. I thank my lucky stars she is a great kid, but believe me she has her moments, and I don't get a moment away for a break. No matter how stressed I can get I would never resort to hitting my child. What good is that going to do? It will just make her fearful of the only person that is her one and only in her life. She throws a tantrum, I sit back and wait until she is calm to hug it out. She is only 16 months. You can't expect strict obedience from a baby, or a toddler. They are just not capable of that. Let your child make a mess of their food, or of the drawers, or of whatever! This is their major learning and exploring time! I told my mom the other day to stop telling my daughter to not throw her toys around. My mom said "well how will she ever learn?" I said she is only 16 months old! She has PLENTY of time to learn social etiquette . And right now she IS learning by what happens when she throws something and sees how it falls. And she is exploring the way all objects feel and move and what happens when they are squished, or thrown, or jumbled with. What I'm saying is take it easy on the your kids. They are exploring their world.

1

By Julie Dillon
- Posted on Jan 13, 2012

51254

I have spanked my boys in the past, under a handful of times. They are currently 7&10. But I have since made a conscious effort not to. It was usually a LAST resort and meant to scare them into never doing something that dangerous again, or to snap them out of an attitude that has persisted WAY to long. However, I do not recommend, or encourage it. Spanking was a primary mode of discipline for me as a child. My parents did it very routinely, methodically, predictable and with "love" I understand there method and the reasons they thought it worked at the time. However, research now shows that being spanked inhibits self esteem and confidence. I believe this to be true and something I struggled with personally up until I was 30! Our main objective as parents is to BUILD our children's self worth, not tear it down. There are SO many other productive was to discipline a child, and the abuse issue is such a grey area, why in this day and age should we continue to use spanking? What is it teaching our kids? I told my husband, Why would we hit or child for "hitting" it is sending a mixed message. Beside, there was a bit of guilt involved, and that was a red flag to me that even with good intentions, it probably was not the best approach. People say, "do you want your child to be afraid of you?" Well, yes and no. I would like them to fear the wrath of consequences I will be teaching them for there bad behavior, but not fear for their safety or increase their anxiety. Depending on the child, it can do just that. I say, Let's just keep our hands for loving and caring for our kids in hopes that they will turn out the best they can be!

1

By Leslie Brown
- commented on Oct 29, 2012

1317

Well said. Good for you...and your kids.

By Lisa
- commented on Nov 18, 2012

10

Very true ... but you might reconsider once your oldest hits his teens. I had to restart then for a few years. There's just nothing like the embarrassment of a spanking, and unfortunately teens sometimes do things (smoking, drinking, etc) that make you need to resort to it.