Thursday, October 22, 2009

That's the conclusion I've come to after environmentally friendlinizing...

...environmentalizing...

...environinzing...

...friendlyerating ...

...after buying some new squiggly lightbulbs for my house.

Friggin' hippies don't make the explanations easy.

Yeah - I'm looking at YOU, Oregon.

Put down the pot and goddamn protest signs and go buy a decent car with some legroom.

Regardless...after suffering through the movie "Arctic Tale" I realized the following:

1)No matter how cute the seal cub is, you still want to see something eat it

2)I'm most likely solely responsible for at least one glacier disappearing

Apparently, power vaginas use a lot more wattage than I originally thought.

Regardless, I'd be fine with #2 and the extinction of animals that I would have to go to a zoo and pay to see instead of doing something stupid like 'camping' or 'hiking' or 'watching the Discovery Channel'...

...if it weren't for the fact that my kids were watching this movie as well.

Stupid life lessons.

Why must you inconvenience me so?!?

Daughter: "DADDY!! YOU LEFT A LIGHT ON!! THE POLAR BEARS!! THINK ABOUT THE POLAR BEARS!!"

Ugh.

***************Dear National Geographic Films:

I hate your soul.
***************

As such, my house has been thrust into a vortex of darkness as every single light and electrical appliance MUST BE SHUT off...

...or else something cute and fuzzy (or cold and edible by said cute and fuzzy thing) will get a sunburn and die.

Also, Global Warming will take hold!

This means that it will get warmer everywhere! Glaciers will melt!! Animals I never see - ever - will certainly die!!

Also, I will have to shovel less snow and have an extra month or two to swim in my pool and I'll be able to drive my motorcycle longer and...

* Flicks all lights on in the house

I've lost my point.

Oh yeah.

Dead animals and shit.

As such, I ran out the following weekend and bought $200 worth of those squiggly light bulbs that look a lot like the thing I found in my mom's dresser drawer that one time.

I've been using those squiggly lightbulbs for years. Some brands are definitely better than others to how long they warm up to get some light in the room. Bonus, I haven't changed a lightbulb in years.

My electric company co-op sent me a HUGE box of free "I'll light up when I'm damned good and ready" bulbs.

You'll have to add a charge from HAZMAT should you break one of those squiggly bulbs. They contain mercury - you're suppose to do something special to dispose of them or quarantine your house if one breaks....you could camp with the polar bears while waiting for Hazmat to clean up your now radioactive home

Man, you've hit a nerve with me. I all for saving the planet, but not at the expense of my eyesight or cleanliness.

I hate it when I go to someone's house for a weekend and they have one of those environmental (notice the last part of that word is "mental") water saver shower heads. It's like when someone takes a mouth full of water and sprays it on you. WTF? So, to piss them off, I always stay in the shower much longer plus I let it continue to run as I towel off and get dressed. Take that!

I hate those friggin' squiggly light bulbs. They are supposed to last for years and I had two burn out in my kitchen already. Or maybe they aren't burnt out. Maybe I just need to wait longer than the traditional ten minutes for them to "boot up". For christ sakes. Get me a seal too please!

I've got a list of environmentally friendly things that I hate. It includes those light bulbs, low flow shower heads, low flow toilets, solar water heaters, and on and on. They are all horrible. Kill the seals and give me a long hot shower.

And you can't just throw the damn things away either. You have to call HAZMAT or whoever handles radioactive waste and have them get rid of them. Why? because they have mercury in them. Don't drop one either because then you really have to call someone in to clean it up. Gone are the days of breaking thermometers to get the mercury out so you could play with it. I hate those damn seals.

You may be the only guy I know who manages to combine a rant about environmental awareness, lightbulbs, kid movies, polar bears and porn in a way that makes me laugh. I love this post sooooo much that I'm jealous, buddy. Very funny stuff.

Uh moooooog, those bum goblins have no tits. Please tell me you are NOT horny. There is no Global warming, it is the Polar bears way of getting even with the Eskimos. The colder it gets the more Eskimo-pops they get.