The 3 Relationship Skills You Need to Practice

Looking back over my 20 years as a couples therapist, and considering the many other couples I’ve encountered in my personal life, I realize that the happiest and most satisfied of them exhibited three specific relationship skills. Don’t be disheartened if you and/or your partner are not great at these skills. They rarely come pre-installed; they need to be learned and practiced:

1. Empathy

Empathy refers to being able to step into another person’s shoes and understand their experience and point of view so that you can gain an appreciation of how they feel, and then step out again. Of course, you also have to be able to convey your insights to that person accurately for them to benefit from your efforts at understanding.

Most couples struggle with empathy for a simple and, well, stupid reason: They believe that because they’ve been in the relationship for a long time they "just know" what the other person is thinking or feeling. Of course, countless studies demonstrate the faultiness of that assumption—we’re simply not very good mind-readers, even of our spouses. Our assumptions are almost always biased or just off the mark.

Empathy requires a Jedi mind trick of sorts: You have to close your eyes and literally imagine being the other person. You have to get a sense of their perspective, their reality, their priorities, their expectations, their assumptions, and their concerns. Only then should you introduce the current pressing situation into the scene and imagine how the other person perceives the situation and how they might feel about it.

Empathy is a crucial relationship skill in and of itself, but it is also related to the next essential relationship skill. . .

2. Emotional Validation

When your spouse or partner is angry or upset with you, the last thing you might think to do is fan the flames by telling them they have every right to feel the way they do. But when you convey that exact message—from a place of sympathy and understanding—something magical happens. Rather than inciting their sadness or fury or fueling their fire, your message of emotional validation can actually douse the flame.

Why does this paradoxical result occur?

Emotional validation is something we all seek and crave, typically far more than we realize. When we are upset, angry, frustrated, disappointed or hurt, the thing we want most is for our partner to "get it," to understand why we feel the way we do. We want them to validate our feelings by conveying their understanding to us with a generous dollop of sympathy. When they do so accurately—which requires employing empathy—the relief and catharsis we experience is tremendous. We can then attain an authentic visceral "release" and begin to let go some of the feelings we've built up. Taking a leap of faith and conveying emotional validation to your partner, especially in the midst of an argument, can actually calm things down and allow warmer feelings to return.

Emotional validation and empathy are hugely important relationship skills in and of themselves. They are augmented by the third essential relationship skill on our list. . .

3. Consideration and Civility

Couples consistently underestimate the impact small gestures of consideration can have on the tone and dynamics of their relationship. I’ve seen time and again how leaving a nice card, bringing flowers, allowing the other person to sleep in, preparing a favorite meal, offering a kind word or an affectionate hug, or introducing a soft and loving tone, can quickly put a stop to a tense and negative dynamic and return the relationship to a positive communication track.

Obviously, flowers or a hug cannot undo every hurt. But when things get tense, civility, good will, and consideration are too often replaced by tension, impatience, and negativity. One person treats the other poorly, which makes that partner feel less considerate as well—and on and on the vicious cycle goes.

But breaking out of this negative cycle requires only two or three gestures of good will and consideration, and your partner is likely to begin to respond in kind—provided you also practice empathy and emotional validation. (Read How to Test Your Marital Civility.)

These three relationship skills go hand in hand. Together they form a foundation of caring, trust, and connection to which couples can more easily return when they find themselves in times of stress, tension, or emotional distance. Of course, for couples to benefit from these skills, they should make an effort to practice them, get better at them, and integrate them into their daily thinking and communication.

Really strikes a chord- I do believe you've gotten to the heart of the thing;-) I think how we treat each other is the most important thing, and for my beloved it's life itself. (how often I forget and take him for granted) Thanks for your well written article!

I love the POSITIVE tone of this article and these 3 points are spot out. You really have gotten to the heart of the thing, I agree!

My but lies in this question: How much time do you give it when you are the only one practicing these three skills and trying to get better at them?

I have been with someone for 2 1/2 years and he gives me the antithesis of validation just about every time. He likes to be devil's advocate, I suppose, but it is not acceptable to me, I use the gentle voice to convey it and he tells me I'm acting crazy.

Someone telling you that you are acting crazy is not kind or empathetic. It also is not validating, as you have already recognized. Let's set that aside for a moment though and look at the devil's advocate part of things.

People who insist on playing devil's advocate can be challenging to deal with sometimes because it seems that in playing that role they are taking a stance that is AGAINST you, even if that isn't their intention. I don't know your situation or what this person is doing, so I can't say what his actual intention is. You may want to step back sometime when you aren't in an emotionally charged situation and ask yourself if your partner's actual intention in playing devil's advocate is to withhold emotional validation or if he is really just trying to help you look at things a different way. See if he is willing to have a conversation about this when you aren't in an emotionally charged situation, and let him know that his playing devil's advocate isn't helpful. Men often like to "solve" things, so he might think that in trying to look at things from every angle he is helping you find a solution, when what you need is for him to offer comfort when you are upset. It could be that he needs for you to explain more clearly what you need when you are upset.

However, he shouldn't be calling you crazy. That needs to stop, and what I can say is that if you have a conversation with him about your emotional needs and he still withholds emotional validation and empathy - either being unable or unwilling to offer these things to you - then you may need to re-examine the relationship.

One of the top three most important glues for men is sexual attraction and sexual response of their partner. Most men can find a way through any relationship if their partner is a willing, active, and attractive sexual partner. It might be different for women in general. Of course, there will always a percentage of men for whom it is not true, and women who feel as men do.

There is definitely more to men than sex. Some of the best stuff isn't sex related. But it's extremely important. There is more to a car than just gasoline. The best parts are not even related to gasoline. But without gasoline your car doesn't run. Sex for men is like gasoline. It keeps things running and allows you to enjoy the other things.

... be nice to one another. My husband and I celebrate our 45th anniversary in a few weeks. Being human, we haven't been unfailingly nice to one another every moment of all those years, but it's still the advice we offer when people ask us as an old married couple for our "secret."

My wife and I have hated each other's gut for almost 20 years now. But I've always wanted to keep my family and the kids together. So I decided not to divorce her.. Now, I still can't make up my mind, not while the grandkids are happily running around, oblivious to the disguised hypocrisy in our lives.
I think I'll just have to make my sacrifices for the young 'uns. They're my legacy, after all.

You might seriously consider the possibility, that if you two hate each other - that your wife might very well petition for divorce. Might want to be prepared for that to happen you are probably at high risk relative to those who don't hate each other. So those so called sacrifices for the young 'uns might not be your legacy.

Divorce once the kids are grown is not an uncommon scenario (and 68% of divorces are initiated by women), and if you two truly hate each other there was probably no way to disguise this from the kids or grandkids.

Kids growing up and the wife feeling now less responsibility is a big marital game changer.

Nice article. I agree that these three skills are important. I didn't have them in the four year relationship I just left. A relationship destroyed by jealousy and controlling behaviour. I'll cite one example (among many):

+ Empathy
It would have been nice if she had empathised with my desire to see my parents at least every eight months (I was living abroad in my girlfriends native country) and understand that if she doesn't want to go or can't make it, that I am free to use a weekend to visit them.

+ Emotional Validation
The flights were too expensive to come back on Sunday so I booked 3 nights away (leave Fri, return Mon). She threatened to end the relationship issuing an ultimatum: if I don't change the flights to 2 nights away, it's over. During the discussion, I regret to say that I got angry and raised my voice. The skill of emotional validation (and empathy) would have allowed her to see why and to validate my feelings.

+ Consideration and Civility
Well... I think I covered this skill in the last too.

You know ... if you're having all those problems, I can't help but wonder what made you choose her in the first place.

As a woman, given what I've seen in the choices of men who complain about this sort of thing *after* they've committed to that kind of girlfriend, or *after* they've proposed to her instead of making a different choice, I can just about guess, though.

I couldn't agree more and though I'm not surprised that you rushed to a conclusion based on personal experience--we all judge--the reason is something I'm coming to terms with as I heal and reflect on the relationship.

When I met her she was amazing. Funny, intelligent, kind, caring, sensitive. She loved music, played piano, enjoyed walks in the forest, cooked great cakes and food, was wonderful with children (kindergarten assistant). As I fell in love and became attached, the cracks started to appear; very slowly. In hindsight, I should have got out then but I forgave her and empathised with her because she had been betrayed in previous relationships.

The next couple of years was like sinking into quicksand without realising it was happening. I stopped hanging out with female friends, I removed female friends from Facebook, I cancelled nights out with friends, I didn't visit friends in the UK any more, I didn't do anything on my own, I tried to be careful where I looked when we are were out, and so on. It was stupid but I just got to the point where I was trying so hard to please her, my self-esteem was low, and I would do anything to maintain her at her best, which was truly beautiful.

Then the cycle of emotional abuse began. She got mean sometimes, threatening the end of the relationship over petty things, warning me that she would go off with someone else, putting me down. That's when I left. But I went back because she returned to her amazing, innocent, wonderful self, claiming she was sorry, she would do anything to sort things out. I returned but within four months we were back to the toxic, emotionally abusive relationship. I have repeated this cycle around four times now.

I take full responsibility for my part. I should have stood up for my beliefs and needs early on. Perhaps I have codependency issues. Just as she treated me a certain way, I allowed her to treat me that way. We teach people how to treat us. I am responsible for what happened, just as she is. So now I am in a process of healing and coming to terms with who I really am.

Perhaps what I just wrote gives you a little more insight into my choices.

"What we meet in another is a projection of our own evolution." Ram Dass It is ironic how we can point the finger at others saying they are "critical" or "controlling" yet when we analyse this, it is really our own flaws we are projecting. And being codependent myself I have learned that I have controlled others too with my neediness and it appears although you recognise this, you are somewhat ambivalent about what your exes motives were in the relationship. And ironically of the flaws that not only you, but we are all capable of practising in our relationships. You feeling compelled to reply to someone who judged you and indeed I suspect was also projecting their own flaws by virtue of asserting their own value laden opinions. Judgment itself is a form of control as it demonstrates a lack of empathy. And that is ok as long as we are aware that we are indeed judging and in doing so we are destined to continue the unhealthy patterns. For when we make ourselves victims, we give away our power to change. Be grateful for the gift that your ex gave to you for in the challenges she was trying to help you evolve as a person by setting healthier boundaries, by not being controlling yourself through your dependency. I believe in the law of attraction and we are given opportunities to grow through all of our relationships and it is not so much a healing journey as a journey of discovery and growth. You see it all depends on our perspective and I wish you all of the best in your exciting adventures ahead!

Great information. I think "Remember to sincerely apologize" should be listed as well. I can't remember the last time my DH apologized for the pain he caused me. Instead, when I try to calmly share with him why I am upset, I get interrupted, told why my feelings are wrong and a verbal list of all the nice things he's bought me over the years. (I have never been someone who wanted expensive gifts and would much prefer he actually spent time with me instead) Thus, the hurt doesn't go away, it gets worse. I have learned that it does absolutely no good to tell him that I'm upset. Instead, I hold it in. It's not doing anything good for me or for our relationship that I can't tell him what's bothering me and have him acknowledge my feelings and apologize- even though I do that for him. We'll "celebrate" our 24th anniversary this year, though I don't feel much like celebrating.

I agree about sincere apologies. Telling someone that you regret your actions, accept that you hurt them, acknowledge that you didn't wish to inflict pain, and express that you will endeavour to never repeat such things, all goes so far in letting go and moving on.

My ex was a master of deflection, capable of avoiding any form of apology most of the time. I remember getting a blanket apology on a rare occasion. It felt forced, issued reluctantly, and avoided true responsibility/ownership: "I'm sorry for all the things I said". That was it. I still felt hurt. Of course, I forgave her based on that but it was so hard to let go and move on. Genuine apologies go so much further.

My spouse has been diagnosed as a Narcissist. Empathy is not something a Narcissist feels, much less practices. They may, on occasion (when it suits their purpose), display something meant to mimic empathy, but it's just empty words. I suspect there are many people in relationships with Narcissists that have no idea why these basic and almost common-sense skills are not practiced by their significant other. And unfortunately, in the case of Narcissists, they never will be.

Show Empathy, Emotional Validation, Consideration and Civility. Another common one is show that your Vulnerable.

Please tell us how we "SHOW" these with actions, gestures, facial expressions, words. Be specific, because that's what we need to master. Many of us may feel it now know how to show it. OR we may NOT feel it but want to show that we do in the interest of a building a good relationship. Real examples PLEASE!

It was a forbidden love from long ago. Still whispering softly after years and years. It won't stop until it winds around again, dangerously entangling two lives separate. Her heart skips a beat, hasn't done this since years long gone past. What is this!?! She suddenly can't stop the fluttering, she smiles, remembering innocent tender embraces. His plump rosy childish lips. Hers. So similar they were bound by the laws of the universe to meet again, no amount of time or distance could keep them apart. Secret lovers, unbearably passionate that no one but they alone will ever understand. And she waits. Because she knows the power of this and the inevitable. She waits with a hidden smile of joy in her heart. Waiting for his words that will cover her body. They only need a quick glance, to know that yes! This does exist! A forbidden love that can only be allowed to entwine once in a pink full moon. To spare the heartbreak it would cost to others, and knowing that only this way would it ever feel like this any way, to meet more than once in a pink moon would destroy the pureness of this, thing. To remain hidden, known only to the two of them. But this passion makes them to better love the one who awaits at home. The rock at home that each needs to hang on to because to let their wild hearts go recklessly would break them forever. Break the rocks and these star-crossed lovers. Only once when a pink moon comes about, and the universe is forced to unite two hearts again in their strange entangled lives.

I think it's unfortunate that we live in a world where these relationship skills are not practiced between the majority of human beings.

How sad is it that, not only is it deemed problem enough to write an article of suggestion, but that empathy is so lacking in the human race that the author felt it necessary to provide instructions on how practice it.