Thursday, 8 November 2012

Rajiv Gandhi: So you won't budge?Amitabh Bachchan: Budge? How can you even think of that?RG: You forgot the days we spent together right from Doon school?AB: Of course not! RG: You forgot those proxies and everything else that I did for you?AB: As if I did not!RG: No, I mean both of us did.AB: Then?RG: Then what? You can't do such a simple thing for your Bhabi?AB: Bud, it's impossible.RG: Why? You are a superstar! You can dictate the director or the producer! AB: It doesn't work like that in Bollywood, why don't you understand?RG: You mean you won't change it?AB: Chum, listen, don't be foolish.RG: You can't do this simple act to please your bhabi?AB: No, I can't.RG: So the film title remains "Aakhree Rasta"?AB: Yes, it remains "Aakhree Rasta".RG: And you can't make it "Aakhree Pasta" to please your Bhabi? Just a matter of changing one letter?AB: I'm sorry I can't.RG: Well mate, you lost me there. I guess that's it then. Our paths part from here and they they never cross again. AB: But..hell...listen...RG: Thanks for the memories bud, bye.

Thursday, 18 October 2012

Thumb-twiddling is an exercise not without its charms but then there are times when you have to put behind such simple pleasures of life and dirty your hands.

Which Doosra dutifully did, to get you an eyewitness’ account of Saif Ali Khan’s marriage with Kareena Kapoor.

Initially, I tried to gatecrashed into the party, shrewdly disguised as myself but the security guards proved smarter than I had assumed and won’t let me in.

I said I’m Rahul Gandhi and they laughed hysterically, pointing out the vital flaw in my concocted story - that it was not a Dalit household.

Before I could say even Gadkari, I found myself precariously close to the gutter, having been kicked out by those security guards.

Another couple of inches and I’d have ended up one of the guttersnipes Salman Khurshid enlightened us about.

To cut a long story short, I buttonholed a funny looking bird coming out of the party and he shared the details, speaking strictly on condition of anonymity and a non-refundable loan of Rs 50.

Below are the excerpts:

Doosra: So the marriage went off well?

Guest: Well! Lot of drama, man. Kareena wasn’t willing for a Nikah. She insisted a court marriage was enough.

Doosra: What! So, how did they convince her?

Guest: Convince? My size 8 foot! She’s quite headstrong and won’t budge. Fortunately Sharmila Madam had an idea. She spread out a map of Afghanistan in front of Kareena, put a finger on the capital and asked Kareena “Kya Hai?” Kareena thought she was testing her geography and smartly said: “Kabul Hai.” Qazi saab promptly announced them a couple!

Doosra: Oh boy! What drama!

Guest: Drama! Real drama was when Maneka Gandhi got into a fight with Dharmendra.

Doosra: Maneka Gandhi? She was invited too?

Guest: Can’t say if was invited, but was there. A catering guy asked Dharam paaji if he’d like some drinks when paaji saw a stray dog and screamed “Kuttey, kamine mai tera khoon pi jaunga.” Maneka ji sprang from her seat and got into a nasty argument, threatening to unleash some 500 mongrels on paaji before they pacified her.

Doosra: Good lord! Then?

Guest: Then what? Dharamji went to Dharamsala...

Doosra: Dharam ji left the party and went to Dharamsala!

Guest: Moron, I meant Dharam ji went to where his sala, I mean brother-in-law, was sitting and both started drinking as if there’s no tomorrow.

Doosra: Think I saw Salman Khan inside?

Guest: Oh yes, Bhai was there but you know how he emotional he is. Asked why Tiger Pataudi wasn’t around. We told him Tiger saab passed away and he went on mumbling Ek Tha Tiger...Ek Tha Tiger...

Doosra: What!

Guest: Yes, only once he came out of that trance. Told you Dharam paaji and his brother-in-law had exhausted drinks. When one of the catering guys offered Bhai a bottle he had kept for himself, bhai thundered: “Mujh par ek ehsaan karna ki mujh par koi ehsaan na karma.”

Doosra: Oh boy! What about Saif’s family? I mean his sisters?

Guest: Soha and Saba were busy counting pressure cookers, dinner sets etc. Those who gave only bouquet didn’t have boondi in their boondi raita.

Sunday, 19 August 2012

1. Harbhajan Singh: Sad, we should send Andrew Symonds to talk Laxman out of retirement. You know who drove sense back into Laxman in Ramayana, don’t you?

2. Virat Kohli: Sh*t Happens!

3. Shivpal Yadav: Laxman consulted me and I told him you can quit international cricket a bit but don't quit Ranji.

4. Madhura Honey aka Nagendra: Oh hell, I didn’t know he would quit. Else could have gatecrashed his press conference.

5. Sania Mirza:Another Hyderabadi has been used as a bait! It’s an insult to womanhood.

6. Anu Malik:I’m told Laxman has got a great Inner Voice. Can we have him in Indian Idol?

7. Manmohan Singh: Laxman’s retirement is a rumour with its origin somewhere in Pakistan and I appeal to people from northeast not to panic;

8. Arun Jaitley:People are missing the woods for the trees here. The real issue is there was a powercut during Laxman’s press conference and Congress is trying to use Laxman’s retirement as a ruse to divert our attention from a larger issue;

9. ..... finally the JAIL bit. Well, Doosra wanted Manata Banerjee’s view on the subject and had merely asked the harmless question : "Didi, how do you react to Laxman’s retirement?" Within seconds, one was frogmarched out of the house and into a jail, the location of which would be shared once known.

2. Redefining Indian Geography Medal:Amitabh Bachchan. For congratulating Mary Kom, the boxer from...well...Assam! To be fair to him, he promptly apologised and corrected himself. Most Indians qualify for this award anyway;

3. Serendipity Medallion:Vishnu Vardhan. Apparently, when you want something, the universe conspires to help you achieve that. Vishnu was plucked out of nowhere and thrown in the doubles mix only because Leander Paes and Mahesh Bhupathi fought like two wet cats over a dead rat. As if it was not enough, Philipp Kohlschreiber took the pain of pulling his hamstring to shove Vishnu into the singles main draw. Such was his luck that Vishnu mistakenly consumed pesticide but it turned out to be Coca Cola;

4. Gatecrasher Society's Personality of the Year Medal:Madhura Honey aka Nagendra. She ghosted her way past security guards and led Indian contingent in the Opening Ceremony in one of the lasting mysteries of the 21st century that would haunt Sebastian Coe for the rest of his life;

5. Fastest-Finger-First Medal:Ajay Maken. Mr Maken has significantly raised the bar for all Sports Minister, camping in London and tweeting as if there is no tomorrow;

6. Mike Tyson Spirit of the Game Medal:Sushil Kumar. For biting part of his Kazakh opponent's ear and keeping it as an Olympics souvenir;

7. International Angler's Society's Special Medal:Sania Mirza. For offering herself as a bait in the Paes-Bhupathi row;

8. Chilli Powder Manufacturers Association’s Special Medal:Mahesh Bhupathi & Rohan Bopanna. Bhupathi had bloodshot eyes after his doubles defeat and Bopanna said it was chilli powder;

(P.S. I'm a great admirer of the Aamir Khan show. The guy could have done any other show but chose this one. If it brings positive change even to one life, it's job well done. At the same time, my admiration should not come in the way of some harmless fun. Hope Aamir and his fans agree.)

Friday, 29 June 2012

Doosra: Congratulations Sunny. It must have been an emotional moment. A true Bade Bhaiyya's responsibility.

Sunny: Oh yes! But Papaji and Bobby also worked hard. And of course Hema ji.

Doosra: Hope everything went well?

Sunny: Well, almost. Pandal was good, food was great. Just don't know how some stray dogs, well, strayed into the pandal.

Doosra: Stray dogs!

Sunny: Balwant Rai ke kutteyyyyy.....

Doosra: Please, calm down, please!

Sunny: I'm sorry, got emotional. What were we discussing?

Doosra: That some dogs had strayed into Esha's wedding.

Sunny: Yes. Strange, despite having Papaji there. He even screamed that line from Sholay - "Kuttey, kaminey mai tera khoon pee jaunga" and most dogs ran for their life.

Doosra: Hope it was not a serious problem.

Sunny: Two dogs refused to leave. Hema ji was supposed to dance late in the evening which had to be cancelled.

Doosra: Why?

Sunny: Papaji got emotional and screamed again "Basanti, in kutto ke samne mat nachna!". You know how he is. Waise I'm no less emotional. I saw the tubewell and suddenly became Gadar's Tara Singh. I screamed "Humara Hindustan zindabad tha, zindabad hai aur zindabad rahega" and uprooted the tubewell.

Doosra: Good lord! What happened then?

Sunny: Half the baaratis fled from the scene and we had to apologise to bring them back. And when they returned, it could have been another crisis because I had uprooted the tubewell, which was the only source of drinking water!

Doosra: Oh boy! So how you managed that?

Sunny: Hema ji intervened. She immediately got 25 Kent water purifiers there, 23 of which she sold to the baraatis.

Doosra: Well, sounds quite eventful. But these are minor glitches, happen in every marriage.

Sunny: I guess so. We also ran out of paneer and rushed to nearest shop to buy more. Guess what? They had a balance but no stone. Fortunately I was there and solved the problem.

Doosra: How?

Sunny: You silly. Everyone knows I have dhaai-kilo-wala haat. We needed 5 kg paneer. So I put both arms on one side and they weighed paneer on the other. Dimple! I mean simple!

Doosra: Got the point, got the point. Must say it was an extraordinary marriage. Thanks for your time, it was pleasure talking to you.

P.S. Those interested in facts (god knows what they get out of it) Sunny & Bobby Deol were reportedly unsighted within 100km of Esha's marriage)

Wednesday, 27 June 2012

1. Shahid Afridi: Retirement? Well, not a bad thing. One should do it occasionally. I have done it a number of times. But as a senior in that department, my advice is don't overdo it. Twice a month, no more. I'm retiring now. I mean I'm retiring to bed now;

2. Sourav Ganguly: I think he was under pressure to retire. I still think he had at least two years' finance left in him. I think the Board, arrey High Command, pressured him into retirement.

3. Mahesh Bhupathi: As I have maintained all along, I'm not going to play with anyone except Rohan Bopanna. Worse, Pranab comes from the same state. Leander should follow Pranab and quit.

4. Mamata Banerjee: Good riddance. Hope the next FM would give us a good Bengal package. My only concern is he'd have ample time on hand as President and I just hope he does not take to cartooning. Will ask Manmohan ji to immediately stop supplying pencils and sketch pens to Rashtrapati Bhavan.

6. Vinod Kambli: I'm a very emotional man today for I can identify myself with Pranab Da. His career mirrors mine. I never got enough support from Tendulkar and ended up playing support roles in random movies. Sachin is an MP today but I'm not even BMC councillor. Pranabda too could have become the PM but he never got the support from Sonia Gandhi. I'm a very emotional man today and can't hold back my tears. Watch me sob on STAR TV, ok ABP TV, at 7:30 this evening. I'm a very emotional man today.

Saturday, 9 June 2012

What kind of world we are living in where the whole country peeps into your toilet and even before you could say A-h-l-u-w-a-l-i-a turns it into a national debate?

If M.S.Ahluwalia is seething under that designer blue turban I, for once, have full sympathy for him.

The reaction to the Rs 35 lakh toilet at Ahluwalia’s office has ranged from predictable to potty.

Doosra presents the selected few, including that of Ahluwalia himself.

1. Pranab Mukherjee's secretary: "Sir is no more interested in the President's post, bujhlen? Instead, he'd be happy to succeed Ahluwalia in Planning Commission. I know that's a baffling demotion but then Sir never had ambition. Otherwise he would have been the PM, bujhlen? He says what would he do with a sprawling Rashtrapati Bhavan? He’d rather love a toilet like this. At his age, bujhlen?"

2. Ajmal Kasab: "In case India decides to hang me before I die a natural death, the government should grant me the final wish of once peeing at the Planning Commission toilet."

3. Tourism Ministry Secretary: "Flooded with requests from abroad, we are turning it into a tourist destination. Our next Incredible India campaign will be built around the toilet".

4. Meira Kumar: "I'm intrigued since I learnt about it and can't wait to see it but there is a minor problem. Had it been in some another country, I would have boarded the next available flight. Unfortunately, it's in India, that too in Delhi, some 5 km from my place. So I’m afraid I can’t make it. But I’d request Mr Ahluwalia and his colleagues to maintain some decorum there. Yeh aap ka hi hai. Is liye...Shaant Ho Jaiyye, Baith Jaiyye. Sab Ko Mauka Milega."

Pawar: Whatever. You don’t know how tough it’s these days to get another maid. Anyway, how come you are here?

Ramdev: Pawar ji, I want to buy an IPL team.

Pawar: But I’m not sure they want another franchise.

Ramdev: Pawar ji, there’s nothing you can’t do. I have even decided the name of my team.

Pawar: And what’s that?

Ramdev: Patanjali Panthers! Awesome, isn’t it? Of course ToI may still call it Team Haridwar. I have already identified players for my team.

Pawar: And they are?

Ramdev: Well, Hashim Amla has to be the captain and Mohd Yusuf his deputy. See, I want it to be a team of bearded players. By the way, is WG Grace available?

Pawar: But are there enough bearded players?

Ramdev: If not, we’d identify local talents and groom them. Their beard to be precise. Jawed Habib will join the support staff soon. In fact, I’m thinking of having beard-linked bonus clause in their contract.

Pawar: But Ramdev ji, IPL is sports and entertainment. It’s like showbusiness with cheerleaders etc. Are you fine with it?

Ramdev: You hurt me Pawar ji. What do you think of me? We too would have cheerleaders.

Wednesday, 30 May 2012

I caught a glimpse of Mamata Banerjee clapping in a local TV channel. A few weren't sure they didn't see her even swaying, if not outrightly swinging those durable slippers, or Hawai Chappal (no blood relations whatsoever with Australian Chappell), as they Kol in Calcutta. Ok, call in Kolkata. Have it as you like folks.

Quite a few Bengali Bhadraloks were alarmed by what they called the brazen display of 'Oposongskriti' (cultural decadence is a lame translation of this priceless Bengali term).

Personally speaking, I'm a content man, convinced I've seen all there was to be seen.

In fact, I now have a story to tell my grandchildren. That of Shah Rukh Khan kissing the top of Mamata Banerjee's dome, the content of which remains one of 21st century's major unsolved mysteries.

Of course some of the SRK fans insist it should not be held against the showman and blame it on Kolkata's maddening heat, every time I think of it, it gives me a sensation that starts with a goose and ends with bumps.

When Doosra approached politicians and celebs to see how they viewed the celebration, some of the reactions were so sharp that a kid asked if he could borrow one to sharpen his pencil.

Sample the stuff:

Bappi Lahiri: I'm told all KKR player got a gold chain? You know what? First time I regret my Bollywood career and wish I were a cricketer. I feel like singing a sad song. "Pyar bina chain kahan re..." To hell with this song. It reminds me of that chain again!

Buddhadev Bhattacharjee: Communist Manifesto more or less covered it in the chapter which says "The Proletariats have nothing to lose but their chain". Well, the KKR players have nothing to lose but their gold chains. You know how rife pick-pocketing is in and around Eden Gardens area.

Mayawati: Mamata ji should immediate change Kolkata's name to Gautam Buddh Nagar. Arrey, in honour of Gautam Gambhir. And no Gautam Buddh Nagar is complete without a park with my statues.

Manmohan Singh: We strongly condemn the dastardly act and the culprits will be brought to book as and when they take some time off their busy schedule and make themselves available...hanji?... IPL celebration? O teri! Haan ji. Well, Madam G, matbal Madam ji, said instead of Sandesh, KKR players could have eaten a slice of pizza each. But then of course Mamataji knows better.

SM Krishna: On behalf of Pakistan't cricket-following public, I congratulate KKR, its owners and the city of Kolkata on this momentous victory. However, instead of gold chain or sandesh, I think they should have gifted the KKR WAGs a birkin bag each. I have 98 of them and it has got separate compartments for...err...seems this is Hina Rabbani's speech.

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

1. Tusshar Kapoor: At times, silence is sin and we have to articulate our anger to make it a better society. I have to say...Eh...eeh ... oh... ooo... Maaayo.. eh... ee... oh... oh.

2. Sachin Tendulkar:Aila. Anna Saab, people will throw stone at you but you have to turn that into milestone.

3. Mamata Banerjee: Why this fuss over a mere stone? It could well have been worse. It could easily have been a cartoon of Anna Saab!

4. Bishan Singh Bedi: As usual, most missed the point. Apart from the fact that modern players earn obscene money, the fact of the matter here is somebody THREW the stone. It means his action was suspect and even a child of two knows Muralitharan chucks! Can’t believe ICC is still sitting idle!

5. S.M.Krishna: Well...err...ummm...As the foreign minister of Pakistan, I condemn the incident from the bottom of my heart...oh hell...it’s Hina Rabbani Khar's speech!

6. Kapil Sibal: Media is blowing it out of proportion. It was a notional stone hurled at a notional car, prompting a national knee-jerk reaction.

6. Virat Kohli: Sh*t Happens!

7. Navjot Singh Sidhu: Oye chha gaya guruuuuu! A man is prone to attracting a stone that can break his bone unless the stone in question, my friend, is a Sharon Stone!

Monday, 23 April 2012

That MSA worked in the package labeling industry in his previous life.

Worse, he can’t get over the hangover!

When he gets bored by the dull interior of the ghastly Planning Commission office, MSA scribbles something on a piece of paper and, like a man possessed, sticks it to the first thing he lays his hands on.

Last month, the office oddjobber pushed the door and was about to enter MSA’s chamber with his lunch before being stopped by a rope tied at chest high.

Here’s what followed:

Boy: Sir, what is this? Which idiot tied this rope?

MSA: I did that.

Boy: Err...ok...nice sir. But why?

MSA: Look at it carefully. Can you tell me what is this?

Boy: Looks just a stinking rope. Yes! It was lying near gate and still has the stains of Guptaji’s paan. I saw him spitting on it.

But then Rahul Dravid is no Afridi despite their obvious similarity in the sense both are like poles. Dravid north and Afridi south.

So when Dravid retired, you naturally thought he was gone for good.

Doosra, however, has reasons to believe Dravid will do an Afridi and come out of his retirement.

The following conversation between The Wall and his Wife (what do you call a wall's wife? Firewall?) explains why.

Wife:There you are. Why did it take so long to get the boys from school?

RD:Well...I mean...I sort of missed the school bus.

Wife:Home come you missed such a distinct-looking bus?

RD:Err...I mean from where I stood, the bus looked quite outside the off-stump. So...I...sort of...let it go.

Wife:What! Have you lost your mind? OK, from now on you’d pick the boys from school itself.

RD:Sorry, I’m not going to that school again. Those infernal kids! One of them wrote something on my back. "Uncle, do you see what I wrote on your back?" I said "no". He said "Too bad you can't see the writing on the wall."

Wife:What!

RD:You heard it. That nickname has become my albatross. One of those little devils went further and said "Uncle, I lost my pet dog. Can I stick a bill on your back, please?"

Wife:What!

RD:And they call my son half-wall!

Wife:Good lord! What do you do now? Can’t take you to shopping either after that fight with the shopkeeper.

RD:As if that was my fault! It rained for a while and I was perfectly within the laws to ask him to revise the price under Duckworth-Lewis method.

Wife:And who started the fight in the furniture shop? You drilled 19 divans with that car key!

RD:See, I was just testing the bounce.

Wife:Bounce my foot! Gawd, don’t know what to do with you. You are no good at julienning tomatoes or dicing a cucumber, so not much of a help in the kitchen either.

RD:See I spent my career building a sound technique, largely avoiding risky cuts and slices.

Wife:You drive me crazy. You can’t polish your own shoe – you apply saliva and rub it against your trousers; you crouch and spit on your hand before you catch a flight; you refuse to go to market after tea, insisting on sending a nightwatchman; you criticise me for not having a proper follow through while ironing. I’m tired of it.

RD:So am I.

Wife:Well, get it in your head. This can’t go on. You are going back to playing cricket. You got it?

Friday, 9 March 2012

Rahul Dravid has faced most deliveries in test cricket's history. A staggering 29,125 before he resumed the self-flagellation in England and Australia.

And by the time he was sick with test cricket, Dravid had faced 31,258 deliveries, to go with the 15,284 in ODIs and 1369 in T20s.

Now -- and here I want you to follow closely-- if you quickly look around to make sure none is watching you and shrewdly put them together, Dravid has faced 47,911 deliveries.

For argument’s sake, let's assume every delivery took one minute each.

After all the sightscreen has to be moved; the batsman has to make sure the rival skipper has not sneaked in an extra fielder; the non-striker has to conclude his chit-chat with the mid-on fielder wherein both inquire about the female members in each other’s family and so on.

Also, the ball has to be licked, rubbed, roughened, scratched and its seam assaulted -– with nail, both human and iron, bottle-openers and even Afridi's teeth -– before the bowler starts his run up.

And if Shoaib Akhtar is the bowler, a batsman can afford a quick power nap without risking oversleeping as the Pakistani's grunt would wake him up just in time to face the ball.

You can safely say Dravid has spent an estimated 47,911 minutes waiting for deliveries.

Any stout calculator will tell you that’s slightly less than 800 hours or nearly 34 days.

To give you an idea, a female White Stork which has just laid a clutch of eggs would rush back expecting them to hatch after she had watched all deliveries aimed at Dravid at one go.

Now it takes a lot of patience to do that and I’m not talking about a female White Stork’s egg laying.

Even his staunchest detractor would admit Dravid has been patient.

In fact so patient that he was promptly drawn to a doctor who became his better half. Three-quarters, if you fuss.

So if Dravid looked like cricket's Methuselah, you know why.

He faced 47,911 deliveries, mind you. And that excludes his wife's two.

Viru once sent one of the paranthas to represent him in the team meeting. As expected, the parantha gave more inputs before fading down Gambhir's entrails.

Whenever Gambhir opens his mouth, I still hear the parantha wailing – "Dhoni sucks because he doesn't shampoo his hair often".

Asked him last night if there was a rift between him and Dhoni.

"Nothing between us anymore, not even a rift."

(P.S. This is a new series following complaints that Afridi’s Secret Diary was in poor taste. So poor that why the government didn’t grant it a BPL card remains one of the major mysteries of the 21st century which is broadly the period separating Tendulkar's existing 99th century from his impending 100th).

Kapil: Whatever! I mean what stays for ever? Nothing! I don’t know why people are upset about it but I insist Sachin should retire immediately. With his best interests in mind, I say he should have retired long back. Waise Sachin da jawab nahi.

Doosra: Long back! How long?

Kapil: Maybe before his made his debut. You see, if you retire before making your debut, critics won't be baying for your blood! Isn’t it the smartest thing to do?

Doosra: Not so sure. But paaji, Sachin may not have scored that 100th century but he got quite a few 50s.

Kapil: You miss the point. He does not have age on his side. You grow old and you can't run. And a batsman who can't run is a batsman without runs. And Sidhu once told me that a batsman minus run is like a church minus nun and a burger minus bun. You know, Sidhu da jawab nahi.

Doosra: Yes, paaji. But isn't age just a number? And Sachin is just 38! Jayasuriya played until 42.

Kapil: 38 my size 14 foot! He got his birth certificate from the same guy whom Afridi's parents approached. Do you know every debutant bowler touches Sachin’s feet before he starts bowling? If they bowl bouncers at Sachin, parents scold them for being disrespectful to an old man. You have any idea how many presidents Pakistan had since Sachin’s debut? Eight! Waise to Pakistan da jawab nahi.

Doosra: But paaji, is it not a case of the pot calling the kettle black?

Doosra: Paaji, please don’t mind, what I meant is - you yourself got your retirement wrong and the team carried you just to help you get that record.

Kapil: You know what Virat Kohli said?

Doosra: What? That s**t happens?

Kapil: No. He said you carry people who carry the burden of the nation. Kohli da jawab nahi.

Doosra: Paaji, then why can’t India carry Sachin then for a while, maybe until his 100th century?

Kapil: Again you miss the point. Team mates already carried him once, on their shoulders after India won World Cup. You can’t expect them to carry you all your life…it’s not your apartment! Did you mumble something?

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

At the outset, Doosra maintains eavesdropping is thoroughly unethical, a giveaway of a dodgy upbringing and can never be encouraged under any circumstances.

One such recent exercise shattered the myth that BCCI bosses care only about money and doesn’t bother about anything else as long as they collect it by the sackfuls.

On the contrary, BCCI boss N Srinivasan and his colleagues are seething in anger after India's debacle in Australia.

And if what Doosra heard -– have already outlined where Doosra stands on the subject of eavesdropping – is any indication, some of the Indian cricketers are in for serious trouble.

Following is the excerpts of what was heard inside the BCCI office where Srinivasan was in a mood so foul that it would have drawn a red card even from the most considerate of soccer referees.

Clerk: Cool down sir, cool down. So much anger is not good for your health. Should I get you a glass of chilled coconut water?

Srinivasan: Coconut water my size 12 foot! Disgraceful! They’ll get their just deserts.

Clerk: What sir! They disgraced the country and you treat them with desserts. Not done sir.

Srinivasan: Stop mumbling you moron and see that list. I’ve decided to punish some of those nincompoops.

Clerk: Ok Sir. Dhoni is number one. Captain Cool.

Srinivasan: Rubbish! Captain Fool. Okay, on his return, tie him to a chair in the dark storeroom of our office with a full-volume TV set playing that CD.

Clerk: Which CD sir?

Srinivasan: "Navjot Sing Sidhu Unplugged".

Clerk: Wow. Sir Sehwag is next.

Srinivasan: Too many aloo-paranthas blunted him. Completely lost focus and concentration. Make him balance a hot samosa on the tip of his nose, two hours in the morning and another two in the afternoon to improve his concentration. Add "hands tied behind back".

Clerk: Done sir. What about Ishant?

Srinivasan: That brain-dead moron? Give him a bar of soap and Baba Ramdev’s ink-stained robe. He has to rub the cloth clean.

Clerk: Excellent sir. And Gambhir?

Srinivasan: Gambhir, well when he returns tell him to clean all Mayawati statues in Noida Park with his jersey. Also, after finishing every statue, he should ask himself "Have I Made it Large?"

Clerk: Brilliant sir. Srikkanth too in the list?

Srinivasan: Of course. Make the motormouth madcap read all seven volumes of Mayawati's memoirs cover-to-cover. You then ask him random questions to ensure he actually read it.

Clerk: Ok sir. By the way, what happened to the team's phase-out plan?

Srinivasan: What phase-out? Time for complete overhaul. Cancel their original return tickets and book them on Alliance Air, specially requesting for that pilot who landed the Kozhikode-bound flight in Kochi.

Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Doosra suggests a soil test of the Sydney Cricket Ground (SCG) if civilisation is to know why it brings out the worst among the visiting Indians.

The moment a Harbhajan Singh steps on it in 2008, the SCG soil convinces him of Andrew Symonds’ stalled evolution, an articulation that led to a Monkeygate.

Flash forward 2012 and this time a Virat Kohli, almost against his wishes, stars in a Fingergate scandal, confirming widespread doubts about the soil’s sanity-sapping streak.

Kohli mounted a spirited defence against the charge, using a seven-pronged strategy but the ICC Match Referee would not budge.

Doosra has accessed Kohli’s seven-point defence in which the cricketer made varying attempts to explain his action:

1. With Australian batsmen cruising merrily, I had to do something to keep myself awake and amused. So I engaged in a pantomime with Gautam Gambhir and had just asked him “what’s up” when the photo was taken;

2. The photo was taken out of context. As part of my limbering up, I raised all my fingers, one by one, but the cameraman for some reason chose to publish the third of the five photos, leading to this clearly avoidable fuss;

3. I had my fingers crossed for a breakthrough and I did it my way. Now to cross your fingers, you need to raise the middle one first before wrapping the top of the index with it. The cameraman, no doubt a crook with filthy motives, caught me midway through the act, thus kicking up this unnecessary storm;

4. Like Muralitharan, I was born with a physical deformity in the form of an erratic middle finger with occasional-gravity-defying syndrome which makes it spring and raise itself even against my wishes.

5. I was shadow-practising a carom ball, which you can’t deliver without a flick of that finger, however bad it may look.

6. Staring at defeat, Mahi asked us to put up our hand and be counted. Now everyone does it their own way but my strong sense of aesthetics tells me to start by raising the longest finger first, followed by others. I had just initiated the process when the photographer shot me.