Ok look, it's a good story, but your sentences just go on and on and on... I'm reading it in my head and even my consious gets tired! You really need to work on your periods. And every sentence is like, 8 lines long and has like a million buts. It was so confusing. Please work on that

Your summary makes it sound like a good plot but your never-ending sentences just throw me off completely. You have one sentence that is four lines long and has SEVEN "but"s in it! You must split the information into lots of little sentences. I'm interested to know what happens next but I can't make myself read another chapter like that.