TOP FIVE

Chandler: Well, we have a deal where we each get to pick five different celebrities that we can sleep with, and the other one can’t get mad.Ross: Ah, the heart of every healthy relationship: Honesty, respect, and sex with celebrities.Monica: So, Chandler… who’s on your list?Chandler: Uh, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and, ah, Jessica Rabbit.Rachel: Now, you do realize that she’s a cartoon… and way out of your league?Chandler: I know, I know, I just always wondered if I could get her eyes to pop out of her head.

You may or may not have divulged your top five, but we’ve all contemplated it. IF you haven’t? You should. It’s rather telling of what you’re looking for in your future fuck buddy, FWB or (gasp!) soulmate. At least it will delineate the more shallow and superficial side of what you’re gunning for. And really, there’s NOTHING wrong with that. At all.

There’s another LIST we should all keep while plowing through the dating circuit. Recently, a buddy suggested that I create an actual document of what I want in a mate: to strategically place my intentions for who I am looking to connect-the-dots with in the near future. So after weeding through over a hundred and eleven different “must haves” — I had to flick on my own reality switch and develop a much more user friendly version of this mental checklist. I actually keep it handy at all times. It pops up whenever I catch myself looking at someone in a new angle or light.

I’ve decided to make my list gender-friendly. There are some things both guys and gals should know, but you know what they say about assuming… right? SO, here’s a few mandatory “items” on the list to shy away from when faced with the dating dilemma of choice.

1. NEVER date a guys’ girl — unless you want to question if she’s one day going to end up with either your soon-to-be-former-best friend OR bastard-of-a-roommate. Yes. It has happened to quite a few clueless saps. Now that you know? You’re not allowed to be a dumbass. Seriously — if you see the girl surrounded by guys ALL the time, you gotta wonder WHY she needs to be around guys ALL the time. Does she need THAT much attention? Really? Ask HER — do you have ANY girl friends? ANY CLOSE GIRL FRIENDS? This is a critical question to research. To find out. Why? Any girl worth her salt will spell it out to you: females who can’t hold a true friendship with another gal pal are T-R-O-U-B-L-E. I’d take the time to do so — but that’s for another post. You’re just going to have to trust me on this one.

Girls? Same rule applies to guys who do NOT have good guy friends. If they’re always consulting their female friends for advice… be wary. BE VERY WARY. Let’s just give you the simple scenario of your first spat with your lover. You really want him running to his gal pals about why you’re such a bitch? OR would you rather he tell his guy friends, who will tell him to STOP being a bitch and deal with you directly about it. See?

2. Does she have DADDY issues? This is HUGE. Shy away from the ones that are constantly looking to fill their daddy’s shoes. You will NEVER treat her as well. Face it. You lose.

Ladies? I haven’t forgotten you. The biggest RED FLAG to include on your list is one simple question:

3. Does he ALWAYS have to check in with his mum? Oh my. You are SCREWED. She will never think of you as good enough. You will always fall short. Look up the true definition of SIN. Yes… your name is now plastered next to it in HER eyes. There you go. Your life has officially ended the moment you’ve decided to take that juicy bite into the apple of her eye.

4. Does she/he have a best friend of the opposite gender? My thing is simply — if he/she is their best friend, WHY do they need you? I said it. I believe it. I’m also a hypocrite, because there are always exceptions to ALL these “rules.” Argue with me, I quadruple dare you to. You have to admit this rule makes you think, though, huh? You’ve seen “My Best Friend’s Wedding” — and you saw how that turned out. The sorta-kinda Disney-fied version “Made of Honor” doesn’t count. Dempsey is HOT. It’s a DUH decision. Then there’s the die-hard folks who will bring up Harry Burns and Sally Albright. For those of you who haven’t perused his latest entry — Mr. Ethical Slut will argue that the challenge to keep the friendship platonic is up for grabs for those who can stomach it in his attempt to DEBUNK “When Harry Met Sally.”

5. DITCH the DRAMA. This particular item on the list keeps me out of a LOT of trouble. Seriously. It’s when that crazy part of me starts wondering if I should finally find out what it would be like to kiss that guy from the third grade who tried to hold my hand at recess. EVEN though he’s engaged. This rule also kicks my ass back into gear when the much more carnal side of me is ready to hunt down a newly divorced guy that’s emotionally spent — and spend him in other ways that don’t involve investing feelings. Hmmmm… Remember, some rules are MEANT to be broken.