Insufferable! Index: Bachelor in Paradise Week 5

Bachelor in Paradise reaches new heights (lows?) as we see threeways, blurred bosoms, and blatant ass-grabbing. Hide yo’ kids!

“Too Long, Didn’t Watch” Recap: After Graham and Lacy both get very sick, they continue with last week’s rose ceremony. As expected, Kalon and No-Game Marquel are sent home. Christy (who I have no memory of) and Lucy (“free spirit”) arrive at the resort and hook up with Jesse “Douchebag” Kovacs. Clare gets sick of Zack’s shit and leaves early. Zack gives a rose to Jackie, and Jesse keeps Christy around. Next week on Bachelor in Paradise, Sarah has a crush on the new guy, Michelle freaks out about Cody, and Jesse whores it up and makes a lot of enemies.

Huh. That’s kind of annoying.

Jesse: “If I was a douchebag, what would I say?” I dunno, Jesse, start talking and we’ll find out.

Cody is bench-pressing Michelle and it is the most romantic thing ever. Also: “I want somebody who’s gonna make me the best Cody.” I love you, Cody, but the third-person speech has to go.

Christy, while plastered: “There’s so much booze and nobody’s drinking it! It makes me so mad!”

Jackie: “Each week I’m either up on the chopping block, or vice versa.” What the hell is the “vice versa” in that situation?

My sensibilities are somewhat offended!

All that hubbabaloo about Graham leaving during last week’s rose ceremony was nothing. He just felt sick. It is crazy, though, that AshLee didn’t bother checking on him. Then Lacy runs off to vomit and I start to wonder how much bad shellfish they’re feeding these people.

How can Zack be so clueless? He has given Clare milder versions of breakup speeches for the past couple episodes, then acts like he has no idea why she is upset. Clare’s raccoon therapist from episode 1 makes another appearance while she is sobbing in the jungle. But when Clare cries that she should have done Dancing with the Stars instead, I just laugh. As if she is famous enough to be on that show.

Lucy kisses Jesse on camera, then says in an interview “I usually don’t kiss and tell.” You don’t have to tell when we have it on film, lady. Later, Lucy tries to manipulate Jesse to give her a rose. You are both slimy narcissists, so no manipulation necessary. Just tell him “look, give me a rose this week and I’ll guarantee you one next week.” Boom. Problem solved.

Lacy (not to be confused with Lucy) calls Jesse a manwhore and says he wants to hook up with a bunch of different chicks. Does anyone else remember Lacy’s behavior in episode 1? Anyone? Bueller?

Okay, seriously?!

Watching Robert and Sarah’s date is like watching two 13-year-olds try to act like grownups. Robert finally kisses her after a billion years of buildup and Sarah says she “can’t keep her hands off” him, and I am going to hell because I immediately think “you only have ONE hand, Sarah.”

After all Michelle’s talk about wanting a man who knows what he wants and wants her, Cody is that man and she is freaking out about it. Relax, woman! He is a total bro, but he’s earnest and charming. Lean into it.

AshLee and Graham go on a sports-car date and she is terrified. Of driving a sports car. SLOWLY. Just when you think this bitch couldn’t get any crazier, she manages to outdo herself.

HULK SMASH!

Lucy shows up and immediately runs around the resort topless like the “free spirit” she is. What makes it truly insufferable is the way Jesse acts around her when she is topless. He is so gross that I need a shower just watching this on television. Let’s just say he uses the word “tits” a LOT.

Jesse is juggling all these girls and they all manage to think he is a genuine, nice guy. He is rewarded with a (possible, likely edited by producers) threesome with Christy and Lucy. Seriously, there are actual nice guys who deserve (implied) threesomes way more than this asshole.

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After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting “Whodunnit?” One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv