Katie Holmes gets custody of Suri, Tom Cruise gets the spaceship

Fears of a messy divorce have receded as Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have reached a settlement. While precise details are confidential, Holmes is believed to have got sole custody of Suri and $100,000,000, while Cruise has got a spot on the Xenu spaceship.

Cruise, who is stupid, welcomed the deal. “I am wetting myself with excitement about going on the spaceship” enthused Cruise. “I might even get to drive it for a bit – I hope the pilot’s seat is adjustable upwards or they have extra cushions.”

Holmes, who is also stupid, but slightly less so than Cruise, said the settlement was great for Suri. “The $100,000,000 means Suri can have extra nannies” said Holmes. “This will allow me more time to be a proper mother and buy myself more nice shoes.”

Lawyers for Cruise and Holmes wouldn’t comment on the specifics of the settlement but both said it was a “win-win” deal - “we each charged the imbeciles $20,000,000 in fees” said Holmes’ lawyer Jack Edwards.