Monday, April 13, 2015

Election Diary - Day 15: Labour Party's Latest Book Divides Critics

Monday 13th April

The Labour Party’s having a book launch. In fact, all of the parties are this week, becauseit is Manifesto Launch Week, where the parties release their latest works of literature. It’s as if the Hay Literary Festival were being curated by Andrew Neil.

6.00am

Today Labour is publishing its manifesto, and the critics are divided. Guardian
Books calls it an “optimistic work of social-realism”, The Times Literary Supplement calls it “a densely-written work of
fantasy”, and Tom Paulin hated it.

The Tories launch tomorrow, and Guardian Books calls the Conservative
manifesto “a pessimistic depiction of a dystopian future”, The Times Literary Supplement calls it “a considered and assured
work of fluent prose”, and Tom Paulin hated it.

Though, when you go and check the
official text of the speech, that word occurs once. He’s putting it in ex tempore.
It’s as if he’s saying “friends” a lot
because he’s astonished to find that he has some. He then gets really carried
away and turns to the journalists and says “I’m going to turn to our friends
from the media”, before asking the assembled faithful not to be aggressive
toward the outsiders. It’s like a room filled with militant Quakers.

He also calls on journalists by
saying “I’m going to take Gary Gibbon”, “I’m going to take Allegra Stratton”.
At one point, he confuses a Labour party man for a journo, and says “You’re not
a journalist? I’m not taking you then.” He seems to be taking fighting talk a
little seriously.

12.30pm

Afterwards comes the Cava reception.
Over the bubbly and fiscally responsible canapés of Cathedral City and biscuits,
people talk about the text itself, apart from Ed Miliband himself, who goes
about asking people “Are you a friend? No? I’m going to take you then.”

The Labour manifesto puts fiscal
responsibility on the very first page. They smell blood as the Tories have
decided to trade in their reputation for hard but sound economic management for
a Wolf of Wall Street look, with lots
of tossing about of money (no word yet on their attitude to cocaine and orgies).

However, there is some
speculation about the phraseology in the manifesto. The aforementioned promises
have a lot of small print attached, and the Institute for Fiscal Studies has
suggested that you don’t know what you’re voting for if you vote Labour.

Mark Lawson asks Ed Balls whether
the text is fiction or non-fiction, and Mr Balls has to enquire as to what the
distinction is.

“Non-fiction is a factual work,”
responded Lawson, “whilst fiction is a creative work.”

“Are you suggesting that we’re
being creative with the facts?” said Mr Balls pugnaciously.

“Your words, not mine,” was
Lawson’s caustic response.

3.05pm

The Tories have been watching all
of this, and are worrying whether their launch tomorrow can match the spectacle
of today’s.

“I think we need to up our game,”
said George Osborne as he threw some money at a crossword he was struggling
with. “Let’s have strobe lighting, confetti, Pink Floyd’s inflatable pig, all
of the cabinet dressed in capes like Madonna, and dancing girls wearing
t-shirts saying “We love the NHS. Honest.””

“Where are we going to get the
money for all this?” asked Culture Secretary Sajid Javid, who was creating an
eye-catching montage out of IOUs.

“We’ll find it later,” said
George, as he raided the office’s Monopoly board for a few £500 notes, to
discover a missive from the party treasurer that said “I'm afraid to tell you
there's no money left”.

In other news

In response to the Labour
manifesto, Boris Johnson said that Ed Miliband and Ed Balls were the “Thelma
and Louise of British Politics”, before adding glowingly that George Osborne
and David Cameron were the “Castor and Pollux of British Politics”. No – I’ve
no idea either.

The Greens had a poster launch
this morning and were supported by Brian May of Queen, who opposes the badger
cull. For obvious reasons.

Nick Clegg met with some students
in Maidstone, and survived the encounter, despite turning down the offer of a
police escort.

Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.