Glen Canning says it’s time to stop talking about ending rape and start showing through our actions that we do not stand for sexual violence in our communities

Shame is what sexual predators rely on. Next to alcohol it’s their preferred WMD. What were you thinking, after all, being alone, dressing like that, drinking too much, trusting too much? You should have known better. You should have known what would happen. It’s the same approach pedophiles use when they tell their victims “we’re only doing what you want.”

I was invited to speak in Ottawa recently and share my thoughts on violence against women and the role men play. There are two things I’ve learned since my daughter, Rehtaeh Parsons, died last April and I began to speak at conferences and meetings. One, the audience will be almost all women, as it was in this case, and two, attempts to hurt and silence me suddenly appear when there’s anything mentioned about Rehtaeh online or in social media. She’s worm food because I’m a failure, according to one person’s post. If I don’t shut up I’ll join her, says another. Some choose words so disgusting I can’t bring myself to repeat them.

You see, according to them, Rehtaeh didn’t die from being raped and bullied, she died because I’m a bad father. I knowingly let her smoke pot, drink vodka, and raised her to be flirtatious and promiscuous. Rehtaeh wasn’t raped because someone raised their sons to be a rapists, she was raped because her father raised her to be raped.

Rapists rely on other men to excuse and justify their crimes against women. Other men who’ll laugh at their jokes, invite them to parties, play sports with them, introduce them to other women.

Almost every time her name is mentioned in the news or in an article those anonymous posters show up with their fake usernames and post all sorts of nonsense, innuendo, lies, misinformation and outright victim blaming. Rarely do they use real names and rarely are they women.

I’m not sure why some people feel a need to weigh in on issues they know little or nothing about. I reply if I can even though it’s almost always futile. Some people just have the wrong information while others are so out to lunch. I’m left wondering if they’ve read anything about this story at all. Patrick Doran of the Edmonton Men’s Movement thinks I’ve been using a “victim-card” to silence critics in the “…years since Rehtaeh’s death.”

It hasn’t been a year yet, Patrick.

I try to not to get hooked. I honestly have bigger issues to deal with than a handful of forgettable trolls. It’s the people who say nothing I want to reach, the people who are shocked by this story and don’t know, or don’t realize, they have a part to play. Men mainly. Not the ones trolling rape stories; I’m talking about the good ones. Men with hearts, families, compassion, decency and a sense of virtue.

Rapists rely on other men to excuse and justify their crimes against women. Other men who’ll laugh at their jokes, invite them to parties, play sports with them, introduce them to other women. Men who’ll give them jobs, feed them, and help them blame their victims even if it’s by indifference.

Men, good men, need to stand up and do to rapists and their supporters what we do to child molesters. Imagine the difference it would make if a man who jokes about rape and always doubts victims entered a room to silence, whispers, stares, and looks of disgust from other men. That is what we need to do as men.

We need to take an honest hard look at why we befriend rapists, why we believe them, allow them, tolerate them, and help them get away with the crimes they commit. We should be confronting them, exposing them, shunning them from our homes, families, teams, and places of employment. We need to use our voices to be a part of the solution and not let our silence continue to be part of the problem.

There is a stigma attached to rape. A stigma centuries old, created by devils, used against their victims to hide awful deeds. It’s time to put that stigma where it belongs. There is no difference between a man who rapes and a man who befriends and defends him.

We need to take an honest hard look at why we befriend rapists, why we believe them, allow them, tolerate them, and help them get away with the crimes they commit.

I tried to end my talk in Ottawa on a big note but couldn’t find the right words. The message has been said many times already. It’s time to stop talking and start doing. We’re still in a place where a 16-year-old will write on Rehtaeh’s Facebook page and wonder how she couldn’t have known what happens to girls when they drink around boys. A place where young women ask what they can do to make sure they don’t get raped.

Truth is there’s nothing they can do. Women who don’t smoke pot get raped as do women who don’t drink vodka and women with amazing fathers. I hate to think what some of those posters will say to themselves if someone they love ever gets raped because according to their logic it wasn’t the rapists fault, it’s the fault of the people who love the victim.

About Glen Canning

Glen Canning is a freelance writer and photographer living in Halifax, Nova Scotia. Since April of 2013, following the death of his daughter Rehtaeh Parsons, he has been an advocate for her and other victims of sexual violence as well as victims of cyberbullying. Glen has meet with the Prime Minister Harper and numerous other public figures with the goal of turning a tragedy into positive change. His blog has been translated into 30 languages and is read the world over. He is the recipient of the 2013 Rosalind Prober Award for Advocacy.

One question I think is worth asking is where do you draw the line? Is rape the magic crime that draws immediate excommunication or does it extend to murder? Why not people who commit DV? If you knew a woman who hit her boyfriend are you wrong for continuing to befriend her or complicit if you introduce her to a man? What if she didn’t injure him, would that make it OK? What if her ex-boyfriend was built like a linebacker and the guy you’re introducing is much smaller? What if she didn’t have access to a weapon before, but… Read more »

As a father, and I can only imagine your pain and anger and the desire to punish those responsible and any one like them. I know that I would want to kill anyone who harmed my precious child, and would have to be stopped from doing it. As a psychologist and a violence researcher, I can tell you that what you propose is not the solution – it’s just not that simple. Shame is not the solution because its a major part of the problem. Almost all people who commit violent crime come from backgrounds of shame and humiliation, it’s… Read more »

Men who rape have no place in the community. Lock them up permanently and throw away the key. No woman ever asked to be raped. Stop blaming women and start holding those who rape to account. They are weak, loathsome creatures who have to resort to sexual violence in order to feel significant. They deserve to be cutoff from the rest of society. They deserve nothing but contempt.

Feeling better Stan? all pumped up on rage and righteousness? I hope you shared your comment on Facebook, there’s no point being one of the morally superior members of the species if you don’t get some kudos for it.

Yes. Exactly. The root of the problem is in the society that produces the rapist. People have some severe talk about how to deal with them, and on one hand, it’s understandable: anyone could picture someone in their lives being assaulted and want to kill the perpetrator. He’s a monster and your daughter is precious. And in some cases, that’s a somewhat fair assessment of the crime. But of course, not all cases are so black and white: evidence is rare, stories are confused and varied, not everyone’s daughter is an angel, and not everyone accused of crimes is guilty,… Read more »

It’s not enough to expect men alone to stand up to rapists, women need to pull their weight too. It’s not just men who support them in the community. ” We should be confronting them, exposing them, shunning them from our homes, families, teams, and places of employment.” What do you do when the victim tells you not to? Victims who won’t goto the police but don’t want you to confront them or do anything different? There’s something that has to be said in who supports rapists. I’ve known a few women who’ve been raped, and go BACK to the… Read more »

That’s what I’d like to see happen, more support available and if they choose to goto police to have a less traumatic time. For example, find a way to limit the “second rape” I think they call it where trauma hits again as the trials are often nasty places with the lawyers going hard at the accuser. Maybe it might be an idea to have a way for a survivor to accuse someone but not press charges and go through the courts if they don’t feel it. Something where the police won’t charge the accused but will seek him/her out… Read more »

I am truly sorry for your loss; I can’t even imagine the emotional pain that you must feel. But I can’t see what you mean by men excusing, justifying, laughing at rape, or having known unrepentant rapists as friends and introducing them to women. Who does this, knowingly?

I don’t think anyone does it knowingly, I think they excuse “rape behavior” like getting a person really drunk, or pushing past a “no” or even just saying “I’m sure it wasn’t as bad as he or she said” when someone is excused. When I was in high school, three popular guys allegedly raped a Junior girl. What was crazy was that pretty much EVERYONE believed her, because she’d had too much to drink and these guys were just known for taking advantage of girls who had too much to drink. But there were literally NO consequences for what they… Read more »

Everytime I hear of someone who know’s a rapist, there is only 1 thing keeping that rapist alive. The law. Pretty much every man I’ve met that has talked about rapists wants to take them out to the creek, put a round in their head n feed them to the crocs. Same for the women I know too. I’ve known of someone that has abused another but the victim didn’t want me saying anything, it’s such a moral dilemma. No chance in hell I’d hire them and if you could give me a James Bond license they’d no longer breath.… Read more »

@ Archy “there is only 1 thing keeping that rapist alive. The law” That depends on how well you know him for some. Some people will always defend or protect a friend or relative (a son) even if they have done something wrong. I don’t know how the OP would suggest we handle that. A 20 year old relationship doesn’t end because someone did something wrong to someone else. On the other hand I know what you mean. A woman ran into a biker bar in my old neighborhood. Her daughter was being raped in an ally near the bar… Read more »

Pretty much every man I’ve met that has talked about rapists wants to take them out to the creek, put a round in their head n feed them to the crocs. Same for the women I know too.
That largely matches my experience too.

Its one thing if they are accused but once they are sure he is a rapist its open season to wish the worst of circumstances happen to him or even offer to “help” the worst of circumstances happen to him.

Paul, I used to think that must be a rarity, too. Then I joined a hobby that skews male. Since then, I’ve heard three different men make jokes in public, mostly male, spaces about sleeping with underage teens or intoxicated women, and the other men said nothing, even laughed. And then I was at a small party that was also mostly guys and when it was time to go one of the men said “Well, it’s Rape Time!” And not a single guy said anything, including some very close friends of mine. I was the one who had to say… Read more »

Wow. That’s pretty disgusting. Well, most of us aren’t like that. I hope you can find some better friends. Or maybe you can encourage them to become braver like you? I’d like to assume that most of that kind of talk is just stupid bravado from classless men. What hobby is that, anyway; maybe I’ll avoid it?

Sorry for your loss. I think the problem is that if a rapist claims he’s being falsely accused, men can imagine themselves in his shoes. Men have more difficulty imagining themselves as victims of rape.

@ J.Crawford Well that too, but that wasn’t what I was getting at. What I meant to say probably quiet clumsily is that we focus on the things that personally impact us. If I believe that there is a greater chance that I will be falsely accused of rape than the chance that I will be raped, my major focus is on ensuring due process right, innocent until proven guilty, etc. If I feel that I can protect my female friends / relatives or otherwise ensure that they are rape proof by wearing the right clothes, no drinking, not coming… Read more »

A matter of perspective. I think this may be how battle lines are drawn when it comes to rape cases. Guys side with the accused women side with the accuser (not always mind you).

Maybe its not that men side with the accused because they genuinely think the guy is innocent because they are thinking “if i were the accused I’d be innocent” and then that carries over to the case at hand?

I feel for you; as a Father myself I can only imagine how horrible and deplorable it is for anyone, espeially Men/Boys to go to Victim/Slut Shaming in regards to Rape crimes. I myself do not understand why it is that Us Guys can’t imagine if it were our Mothers, Daughters, Sisters, Female Cousins, Friends, Associates or Aquaintances being vicitms of Rape the conversations and feelings would be greatly different. There is no “Two Wrongs make a Right” or a Woman being “more Wrong because she Drank/Wore Tight Clothes/ Acted Interested”, or even “She was Okay with It Before/Earlier”. As… Read more »

Thank you for this. I raised 2 girls, now grown with families of their own. I set limits and boundaries and they pushed against them as teens are supposed to do. They drank, took drugs and experimented with boys, but as much as I was told what a bad parent I was, I knew I was doing my best and that they would eventually come through unscathed. I was a lucky parent. My heart bleeds for this family. No child, girl or boy, or their family, should ever be told that an attack, physical, sexual or verbal is because of… Read more »

Perfectly said!!!! Blaming the victim is unacceptable yet is definately the cultural norm… each person has to take responsibility for their own actions. If a guy (or woman) rapes someone that is their choice, not their victims choice, that’s why it’s called rape. Otherwise it’s consensual sex.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your last paragraph says it all: there is no rhyme or reason to it, and all women are potential targets. I would like to re-post this on my web site, if that’s okay with you.