New Yorkers, etc.

By Enid Nemy

Published: October 1, 1989

It's truly amazing, but no longer surprising, the questions asked, and the comments made, by comparative strangers at social gatherings. You've just bought a new apartment - how much did you pay for it, and what's the maintenance? You're getting a divorce - they've just gone through one and regale you with more personal details than you ever want to hear. You're a friend of Mr. X? Of course, they don't believe it, but they've heard that he beats his wife.

It's not easy to evade some of these questions and comments, but it's possible with acquaintances and the ''they think we're friends but I don't'' characters in life. With such people, it's even permissible, when necessary, to be politely rude, and if the irritation becomes too severe, simply to write off the boors.

But what about friends, the men and women you really like, who really like you, with whom you have a bond, who would do almost anything for you and for whom you would do almost anything? What about them? For even friends can't be perfect, and not infrequently they (and obviously you) do certain things and have certain habits that irritate, particularly when repeated over a period of time.

One young man, friendly with a couple only slightly older than he, said he is driven to distraction when they ask, as they do constantly, about his social engagements and romantic attachments.

''It's always done in a rather jocular, lighthearted way,'' he said. ''It's basically 'Where have you been and with whom?' and no matter how I try to slide around it, I never succeed. I always end up telling them what they want to know and then resenting it.'' (The young man did not want his name used, naturally. None of the men and women willing to discuss their friends wanted to be identified. Naturally.) An almost identical situation applies to what seems to be an insatiable curiosity, particularly in the summer, about weekend activities.

''Where are you going this weekend?'' (or ''Where were you last weekend?'') one couple or individual will ask another. Nothing wrong with the question; it's not intensely personal.

Still, there are numerous people who for no reason at all would prefer not to say ''Cape Cod'' or ''Tanglewood'' or ''Bedford.'' They may be carrying a desire for privacy too far, but it's their quirk. If they want their friends to know, they'll mention it.

One of the most difficult situations between friends is being asked for a recommendation. A number of people believe that cooperating in such relatively minor matters is part of what friendship is all about.

Still. . . .

You know the director of a prestigious nursery or prep school, and a good friend asks if you'd mind putting in a word for their son or daughter. You would mind, perhaps because you don't want to ask favors of that person, or perhaps because you don't really know the son or daughter and intelligent parents don't necessarily have intelligent children.

No matter how logical the excuse, the parents are slightly hurt. If there's no excuse offered - you're merely sorry but you can't - the friendship is probably forever dimmed.

''I realize that a bit of pull or a recommendation helps in some cases,'' said one woman. ''I know that friends are aware that I have a bit of influence in several institutions, but I think the correct way to go about it is to leave it to me to make the first move. They could mention at some point that they hope Bobby or Jane will get into X. Then it would be up to me to volunteer a reference. There would be no straight-out request and no strain on the friendship.''

Need a part-time employee, anyone from a cleaning lady or handyman to a tailor or secretary? Add to that list personal trainers and joining a small at-home exercise group. The best advice from the voices of experience is mention the need to friends but don't ask if the people they employ have any free time. That information will be volunteered - or it won't - but by avoiding a direct query, the friendship won't be strained.

Friends who talk nonstop or at least more than you'd like? Alas, there's almost nothing that can be done other than perhaps a lighthearted request for a short intermission. The only thing that helps is concentrating on their good qualities while the words float by.

And while on the subject of talking, it's bad enough to listen to strangers whispering in a theater, but when it's the friend sitting next to you! The men and women who have gone through this say that here at least is one situation where being fairly blunt rarely offends. Nip it immediately. Life has too few small mercies.