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On Writing And Grief

There is nothing like a
blank page that can both excite you and intimidate you at the same
time. There is so much possibility within it, but what if I can't
fill them with anything. What if what I write isn't good enough?

I've
encountered this problem a lot lately. That's why there has been a
huge lull within blog content. There was also a lot going on within
my life. I had to watch cancer eat my stepfather alive, until he
finally passed on July 9. It's been approximately two weeks today.

I'll
admit that for the first week or so, a depressive episode took hold
within me. I'm never going to be shy about my mental illness. It is a
part of my life, but it doesn't rule
my life. Regardless, suicidal thoughts began to take hold. I found
pleasure in absolutely nothing.
Bear with me, as I am getting to my point. I didn't even find solace
within my son, but rather he annoyed
me.
But I cannot be the only mom who has encountered this, right? God, I
pray not.

Grieving is such a delicate process. My son is taking it better than
I am, he walks up to me and tells me to be strong and that he loves
me. He certainly is a wise four year-old. I chose to visit my local
emergency room to seek help. Not that they were much of it, because
in the midst of all the chaos of my stepfather passing, my insurance
was canceled, so I can't even get help until it kicks back in, and
lord knows when that will be.

But
I'm learning that life is a series of moments strung together by tiny
moments that matter the most. And that is what I am holding onto.
Those little moments, they are the ones that are going to get me
through the rough days, the good days, the bad days, and all the days
in general. I'm planning on coming out of this a stronger
person.

I'm so sorry to hear about your Step Father. You sound like you are doing the right thing taking care of yourself and your depression. I have suffered from anxiety/depression most of my life, so I understand being in that place. I hope they figure out your insurance. That just sucks when you know you need help.

I love you, and really hope that we can help each other by reading our blogs. Misery loves company. lol. No, really, I'm here to support you - I live with depression and anxiety every single day and I don't wish it on anyone. Sending you lots of love. Brooke