Tuesday, March 30, 2010

"The actor defends himself, claiming he was too drunk to tell breaking into a bank from arriving at his home. "Funny. That is the same defense I used when I was accused of breaking into the Provi-Soir at 3:00 a.m. and rolling around in the Doritos aisle.It could happen.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Ian McEwan "invents" chip porn*. How long have I waited? At last! At last!From his new novel: (According to Slate.com, the protagonist is a liar, adulterer, thief, bad citizen, bad father, and to top things off, a compulsive eater of salt-and-vinegar potato chips.)

"The trick," he explains, "was to set the fragment on the centre of the tongue and, after a moment's spreading sensation, push the potato up hard to shatter against the roof of the mouth. His theory was that the rigid irregular surface caused tiny abrasions in the soft flesh into which salt and chemicals poured, creating a mild and distinctive pleasure-pain."I'm a-tingle! *or he has been reading JAW Fan's wang-o-meter chip reviews? Can we sue?

Remember that Monty Python sketch where the woman answers the door in her negligee and the milkman gets lured upstairs only to find lots of other milkmen, some of whom are very old.The purring Persian came over yesterday. I wore jeans and a sweater, not a negligee. Don't even go there! Anyway, he says: I left your address with my room-mate, if I don't come home tonight, I told him to call 911 and give the police your address." (He said this laughingly, of course.) So I said I could take him upstairs and he could see the bodies of all the other young men who had been lured here. And he said: "And you could have a long knife". Over-active imagination, that young man. No negligee, no knife. That's me.

I feel like a little cog in the big machine of capitalism today. So much work. Except, of course, that I work in the civil service, so technically I'm not a labourer in the capitalism system. Or am I?I dunno. This is just one of the many panicked thoughts I am having as I face the piles of work on my desk, and ponder the even bigger piles that will accumulate over the summer.We got the list of what needs to be done from now to October, and it is a doozy. Whimper. How will I even be able to take days off to watch The World Cup? I dunno. Maybe I'll have to limit it to the days when the Italians are playing.So, as usual, instead of dealing with this problem, I'm in full do-nothing panic mode this morning. Trying to think straight. And browsing the Internet instead.

Friday, March 26, 2010

I was walking to the bus stop at 8:00, when a guy drove by with his window rolled down, which was weird enough considering how freezing cold the wind is today. Out his window he yells at me "Get back home now. Your child is dead."I just shrugged and kept walking. But then it started weighing on my mind, how awful a thing that is to say to somebody. I know if I was a parent, I would've been freaked out enough to stop, turn around and go home to check. What a sicko. Of course, as a non-parent, my first thought was that Blackie the Cat had been run over by a car. And he's not even my child.But, really, what a disturbing thing to yell at a stranger. What gives with that?

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Temperature is currently PLUS 11 degrees. The forecast for tomorrow morning is MINUS 13.I believe that the meteorological term for this sudden change in conditions is "crazy-assed".Am not looking forward to it. It's almost enough to make one stay home on a Friday....

Haven't updated the ole male box lately, so for anyone keeping score, here is the current situation.1. The Tall One (better known to some as the Hot Teacher) remains comfortably ensconced in First Place. Good man.2. The Purring Persian remains in the picture.3. The Altar Boy = Dead to me.4. The guy who has no nickname but likes my voice on the phone who was supposed to call me last night to make plans but did not = semi dead to me. Kumar does not get a number on the list. He is simply a fact of life. Kumar the numberless.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

So, when my dream boyfriend Barack stepped up to the microphone to announce the signing of the Big Health Care Bill, Joe Biden hugged him and said "This is a Big Fuckin' Deal". And everyone heard it.This makes me love Joe. Joe fuckin' rocks. What would've been better is if Barack had answered "Fuckin' right it is, man". But he didn't. Well, maybe, he did, later, when the microphones were off and he and Joe were just knocking back a few beers (in my fantasy White House). In other news: 8 Days til NaPoMo. Gentleman, start your engine.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

I went to see Crazy Heart tonight, about 2/3 of the way through the movie, the fire alam went off and we had to evacuate the building.This has never happened to me before, and I have been to a lot of movies. (Cue: Mr. Anonymous who will remind me of our evacuation of a cinema back in 1981...)So I had to read a plot synopsis to find out what happened in the end.Jeff Bridges was amazingly good, relaxed, cool, while being a gigantic loser at the same time. I had one huge issue with the plot. Why would beautiful, YOUNG, vibrant Maggie Gyllenhaal fall INSTANTLY in love with stinky, drunk, chain-smoking OLD Jeff Bridges. It made no sense whatsoever. He was disgusting and you just know he smelled bad. Chain-smoking alcoholics who throw up on themselves smell bad. That is reality. They probably also pee their pants. When am I going to see a movie where a boozy old chain-smoking floosie has a handsome young stud with a heart of gold fall madly in love with her at first sight? Uh...never, that's when.

Friday, March 19, 2010

It turns out Blackie the cat's real name is Gussie.So when I saw him on my window ledge this morning, what do you think I said:Good morning, GUSSIE BEAR!**This will be understood by very, very few people. But that's okay.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

I met the black cat's owner tonight. I was outside when this woman (walking a huge dog) stopped and said "my cat has adopted your house". I was surprised to find that this lady seems very nice and smart. But she has 6 cats and this huge mutha of a dog. Apparently, Blackie (who is a boy) does not get along with the dog, which would explain why he is never home, and is always on my ledge.Oh well, at least his owner now knows of my affair with The Blackster. I even admitted that I have fed him, though, I gave the impression I have done it only sporadically, when in fact it is nearly daily.So I'm a liar.

Did not get around to blogging about the death of Peter Graves yesterday. I suppose I should open the floor to Ms Mushrooms who is the big Mission: Impossible fan. (The REAL show, not the movie, of course.) Maybe she will be too distraught to comment? Maybe she self-destructed in 5 seconds?

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

It appears our email server at work went kablooey, and we will be several days without email.Harumph.If you have emailed me and wondered why I have not responded, that is the reason. It is not because I am an insufferable snob and you have been crossed off my list of cool people-to-know.

How dare the Academy snub Farrah in the celebrity death tribute!!! According to them Academy Idiots, she was a television star and not a movie actress. Have they never seen "Somebody Killed Her Husband" and "Sunburn"???...OK, bad examples...but she was hailed for her performance in "Extremities"...hailed, I tell ya!...and how many people can say they played opposite Kirk Douglas (in "Saturn 3")???...yes, the Kirk Douglas (whose rear end and glimpse of testicles we get to see in "There Was a Crooked Man"...should anyone, other than myself, care) And to make matters worse, stupid dead Michael Jackson gets shown. Other than "The Wiz"has he made movies? More than Farrah?...I think not! So F**k you, Academy. See if I ever watch another one of your broadcasts (well, unless that hilarious and cute Alec Baldwin is hosting again...in which case hottie trumps all.)Note to the Academy: So help me if Jaclyn Smith dies this year and we see her K-Mart-pushing ass up there next year!!!

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

The end of the world is upon us. Big News!Pringles has recalled two flavors of chips because of salmonella fears. Fortunately, this is in the USA. The two flavors in question don't seem to be available in Canada. These flavors being: Taco Night (how can "night" be a flavor) and Cheeseburger. Cheeseburger Pringles? My body gets all tingly just thinking about that. Of course, it would get more than tingly if I caught salmonella poisoning from it. Cheeseburger Pringles.....This might turn out to be a good thing (assuming I don't die of it) because clearly all sensible reasons for giving up chips (i.e. that is to say, weight gain, cholesterol, sensibleness) have failed. Perhaps the desire to avoid being poisoned can motivate me a wee bit. Let's see.Pringles that taste like cheeseburgers? mmmmmm I'll be going to the USA next month. I wonder if the salmonella scare will still be on.

Monday, March 08, 2010

Not too much to say about the Oscars. The Dude won. Yay for The Dude.In our work Oscar pool, my friend K. who ALWAYS wins, was the only person to pick Hurt Locker and Bigelow. I hate her guts more every year. I'm giving up on the Oscar pool! Of course I did eat yummy pizza and drink white wine at her place, so I can't hate her too much.The most appropriate Oscar moment was to have the wretched, decrepit James Taylor sing for the calvacade of dead people. The Voice of Death presents Death! Bravo. P.S. Alec Baldwin looked good, but not as good as George. Oh, George. He makes turning 49 in 2010 a little easier to take.

OK, let's say you were a guy (perhaps a Former Altar Boy) who met a woman once, and then didn't meet up with her again, but stayed in touch through emails and chats, pretty regularly.And you went away for the weekend to the Holy City of Cental Canada to visit your sister. And on your way home you sent a message to the afore-mentioned woman (not your sister) that simply said "I am almost back!" Why would you send this? Come on, you mysterious male brains. Why would you send this to a woman you kinda know?

Friday, March 05, 2010

I haven't posted anything since Monday. That's the kind of week it's been. Quiet. But Spring like, so I guess that makes me a happy camper.The biggest news this week didn't happen to me but to JAW Fan who was on a rush-hour Metro train in front of which a jumper committed suicide. The transit commission never releases the numbers of suicides that occur in the Metro but I suspect it is a lot. Just like the bridge jumpers. We have a lot of bridges here and I'm sure a lot of people jump off them.Why am I talking suicide on such a nice Friday morning? Because nothing else happened this week. Except, Spring Training started. With all the Olympic talk of the past 2 weeks, I forgot that baseball is just around the corner. Nice.Oh, and for the past two mornings, when I have stepped out the front door, there has a been cardinal in my big tree, singing his little red head off. That's nice, too.

Monday, March 01, 2010

This weekend I had an erotic dream about....Barack Obama.Considering what a sexy nerd he is, I'm just surprised this hasn't happened every week for the last 18 months. I was a lawyer and I had a "briefing" scheduled with Barry in the Oval Office. Everyone thought this was a real "briefing" but Barry and I knew it was for hanky-panky. Problem was, the Oval Office was full of staffers, aides and secretaries, doing their jobs. No Joe Biden, though. Too bad. No Joe.Anyway, the most we could manage was to sit face to face and discuss things while looking serious, and every now and then Barry would lean forward and whisper something naughty into my ear and then lean back again, very presidential and business-like.Trust me, this was way sexier than any sex dream with actual sex in it. Oh Mr. President, so close and yet so unattainable. Dream interpretation anyone?