Alternate Viewing: The Sequel.

Less Plausible: Wayans Brothers as White Chicks, or Wayans Brothers as FBI Agents?

Do not watch White Chicks this Sunday. It could happen if you don’t read this post. If you remember correctly I did this for Thanksgiving. Providing alternate viewing to a dominant sporting scene is simply a public service. Plus, I amused myself, and honestly sometimes that is the best kind of amusement. Super Bowl Sunday provides a much tougher task than Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is family, the networks think they have a chance, grab a non-football watching majority and hook them with a Hugh Grant marathon. That works. It’s documented. On Super Bowl Sunday, most stations just give up. They don’t even try. Just put on another episode of Modern Marvels, everyone is watching the Bowl. Could be true, but the pre-game starts at 2 pm this year. Before that is a show called Inside the Rings with Troy Aikman. Um, Nervous! With the game on Fox, that’s a lot of Joe Buck, and a lot of time to kill. If you don’t know what you are doing…you could end up watching White Chicks.

2:00-3:00 pm: The Sopranos on A&E. I respect the Arts and Entertainment Network. They are not backing down. They are coming with the Sopranos marathon. So, not only is this a good option for 2 pm, but if you want to get in the flow with the marathon, you need to start early. Back Up Option: Million Dollar Listing on Bravo. You want to hate it, but you can’t.

3:00-4:00 pm: Puppy Bowl VII on Animal Planet. I have no idea what this is, but you had me at Puppy. There probably should be a puppy channel where there is just footage of adorable little fur balls rolling around. I think it could be very soothing. Back Up Option: Joe Dirt on Comedy Central. A horrid, horrid flick, but better than White Chicks.

4:00-5:00 pm: Iron Chef on the Food Network. I’m bringing it back local here. Philly’s own Michael Solomonov is battling Iron Chef Garces. I’m not sure what the secret ingredient is, but I’d be hoping for something amazing like pepperoni. If you like what Solomonov has to offer you can shoot down to Zahav and sample the Kibbe Naya. Back Up Option: 1,000 Ways to Die on Spike. I can think of 8 or 9 ways off the top of my head, so this sounds educational.

5:00-6:00 pm: The Karate Kid on Encore. I don’t think I really need to go into great detail here. We have Elisabeth Shue at her peak, we have the least believable “sports” movie of all-time, we have Cobra Kai, Sensei John Kreese, etc. You know what always bothered me in this movie? The car Daniel-San picks. The yellow one? Really? Awful choice. Back Up Option: Terminator 2 on AMC. Not my thing, but you know, it’s Arnold.

6:00-7:00 pm: Sex and the City on E! Am I above watching an episode of Sex and the City? No, no I am not. But, the real beauty here is that the game has finally started. Much like Thanksgiving we have to divide into groups. Distractions, complaining, background noise…they are all the enemies. Put Sex and the City on the crappy TV, throw a couple of boxes of wine into the room and shut the door behind you. Problem solved. Back Up Option: 30 for 30 on ESPN. Reggie beats the Knicks. Tee-hee.

7:00- 8:00 pm: 60 Minutes on CBS. Hello, America’s premiere news something. You hope and pray that Andy Rooney is involved. What is a Tostito anyway? I took Spanish for 3 years, and I don’t remember ever hearing the word Tostito. My guess is some clever marketing man just made up the word. That’s what we do in America now. When I was young I ate Potato Chips. They were made out of potatoes. Or at least I hope they were. People send me Tostitos all the time. Of course, I don’t eat them. They could be poisoned. Back Up Option: Toy Story 2 on ABC Family. Tim Allen at his finest.

8:00-9:00 pm: Pawn Stars on the History Channel. I don’t love Pawn Stars like I used to, but it still lures me in. There is always one item I want to see the value of, and I find Rick to be mildly amusing, which offsets my complete disdain for Corey. I still want to find something lying around that is Pawn Shop worthy, so I have to do my research. Back Up Option: 30 for 30 on ESPN. Four Days in October (A special treat for Yankees fans!)

9:00-10:00 pm: Knocked Up on ABC. I’m not sure about the lasting power of Knocked Up, but I’d be fascinated to see how ABC managed to edit (mangle) it. I think it would be pretty entertaining. There’s no way it can still be funny. The ending is probably out, too. Back Up Option: Californication/Episodes on Showtime. If I had Showtime, this is what I’d be watching, but I don’t. If you do happen to have it, this is clearly your first option.

10:00-11:00 pm: Goodfellas on Ion. I have no idea what channel Ion is. I don’t know if anyone in the contiguous 48 states gets Ion, but when Goodfellas is on…you watch. Funny Goodfellas aside, back in freshman year, JCK had about the first DVD player I’d ever seen. Anyway, we got a couple of DVDs and when I got Goodfellas the movie was so long and the technology was so new that you had to flip the disc over in the middle. How classic is that? Back up Option: South Park on Comedy Central.

Ok, that’s it. The game should be over by that point, and if it is not, well then you are probably going to need to look away from the TV anyway for your own personal safety. I’ll say you are welcome in advance, and if anyone would like me to tell them what to watch 24/7 you can shoot me an email and I’ll tell you all about my new business venture, “TV Addiction for Faux Intellectuals.”

What I’d do is take a little trek down to my local Acme and camp out in front of the Red Box machine. Scroll through that bad boy and before you know it, you could have 6 hours worth of fun for 3 dollars.