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Saturday, March 26, 2016

It's Snarkurday!

Remember Katherine Heigl? She was on Grey’s Anatomy until she had a hit movie and then her movie career tanked so she crawled back to TV in State of Affairs and then that tanked, so now she has a new gig doing … wait for it … it’s priceless … kitty litter commercials.

Yup, she’s the shill for Cat’s Pride Fresh & Light Ultimate Care kitty litter, but, to hear Heigl say it, she’s doing the ads because Cat’s Pride is donatinga portion of the profitsto her animal charity, The Jason Debus Heigl Foundation. Right, because every Emmy-award winning actress, who made a few successful rom-coms, then went back to TV and bombed becomes a spokestool for a spot for cats to take a dump.

Karma is not only a bitch, she’s one high-larious bitch!

So Madonna is continuing her Meltdown Rebel Yell tour Down Under and it’s still a hot mess. Even if we excuse the drunken tricycle riding clown as part of the act it’s still a mess. And now it’s going so badly that she actually performed to a half-empty stadium this week … because the trains stopped running before the show started so people left so they could get home.

Then … in Brisbane, Madonna sexually assaulted Josephine Georgiou, a 17-year-old girl. Georgiou says it was all a misunderstanding that occurred when Madge pulled her up onstage to “walk the runway” while she “spanked” her — that’s entertainment? But then Madonna started playing with Georgiou’s corset and it came open, exposing the girl onstage.

Madonna’s response:

“Oh sh-t.Oh sorry … You can do the same to me if you like…”

Luckily forMadge, Georgiou didn’t mind having her breasts exposed in a video that’s gone viral — she calls it “the best moment of my life” — but, still, this is a Madonna show? I guess after waiting two hours or more for Madonna to paste on her clown make-up needs the reward of audience nudity to make it worthwhile?

Victoria Beckham opened a store for her clothing line in Hong Kong this week and had a special moment with her fans, by agreeing to pose for a photograph surrounded by the hordes of “regular people.”

“Regular people” who were kept five feet away from her behind a sheet of glass.

Rule # 1: No one touches or breathes on Posh Spice.

Chris Brown has gotten another new temporary restraining order against him courtesy of one Danielle Patti who says Brown, whom she claims to have dated, has been harassing her and making death threats against her on social media.

Batterer say what? Chris Brown getting violent with a woman? But this isn’t the first time Chris and Danielle have tussled; last December, Chris called police on Danielle after she refused to leave his property and she was charged with criminal trespassing. But Danielle says it wasn’t like that; she wanted to leave, but couldn’t because someone had parked their car in front of hers and now says she was cleared of the criminal trespassing charges.

So she’s gotten a judge to order that Chris stay 100 yards away from her and have no contact with her on social media. There will be a hearing later this month to determine how permanent the restraining order will be.

The hearing will consist of the judge seeing the name “Chris Brown” on the TRO and instantly saying, “Petition granted.”

More Madge Meltdown? M’kay …

For weeks now, we’ve heard tales of how her Rebel Heart Tour has gotten cray-cray — onstage drunkenness, hours late to her shows, sexually assaulting teenagers — and people seem to think it has something to do with her son Rocco choosing to live with his father, Guy Ritchie, and not Mama Madge.

But, what if that isn’t why she’s gone off the rails? What if it’s … gasp … Sean Penn? See, after months of the two appearing cozy and comfy rumor has it that Sean has found himself a new girlfriend and that has driven Madge into Sad Clown Mode … especially after photos appeared of Penn kissing a 20-year-old mystery blonde while on a romantic date in Chicago.

Twenty-years-old? That’s almost three Madonna’s!

Rabid Catholic Mel Gibson and his former mistress and current baby mama, Oksana Grigorieva, have been battling it out in court over child support for years. Oksana ALLEGEDLY “leaked” audio recordings of Mel going batsh*t crazy on her and even got him to admit on tape to beating her. For a hot second it seemed like Mel might go to jail for being a batterer — he might have stayed in the Chris Brown Suite — and maybe Oksana would have scored a huge payday by way of child support for their daughter Lucia.

Not so much; in 2011, they settled on a pay-out of $750,000 over the course of five years, plus Mel bought Oksana a home. But now, in 2016, Oksana filed for bankruptcy and admitted that she forfeited half of her Gibson Settlement Cash because she broke the confidentiality agreement he made her sign as part of the deal.

Still, in addition to the settlement money and the house, Oksana gets $20,000 a month in child support and now she wants more because raising a baby in a house your ex bought and paid for is expensive. So she wants Mel to pay her $137.00 … an hour … all day … every day … all year … every year. Yup, she wants $100,000 a month because she claims she needs all that cash to keep her child living a life to which she’s become accustomed … though I imagine Lucia doesn’t see more than a few coins of any money that Daddy sends.

And, to put it in context, Oksana wants $100,000 a month for one child, while Charlie Sheen pays $110,000 a month for four kids. Just sayin’.

Blake Shelton has filed a $2 million lawsuitagainstIn Touch magazine for saying he’s a drunk and in rehab. The article claims Blake hit rock bottom during his marriage to Miranda Lambert, and accused him of having a drinking problem and of cheating on her; as evidence, In Touch added details claiming Blake had been drunk onThe Voiceand once peed on a mailbox.

Blake’s lawsuit says it’s all a lie and that he doesn’t “drink excessively, binge drink or have a drinking problem” and that he has “never urinated on a mailbox” and that he does “not slur” his words and he does not “drink vodka before 11 AM.”

Now, after 11AM all bets are off. Look, I don’t care about Blake Shelton, drunk or not drunk, but when this story broke last week I heard an ET talking head say to him, “I’ve never interviewed you when you didn’t have a drink in your hand,” and he said, “I know.” And then he Tweets things like this:

“I’m so drunk right now I just walked in to Kentucky Fried Chicken and shouted "Finger licking good?!! Can yall dump my order in my pants?!"”

“I'm so hungover right now I just shaved my reflection and put on a single sock. Not on my foot...”

“I'm so drunk right now I just defrosted my cat... In the microwave...”

I’m not saying he’s a drunk but he plays the part really well.

Huge drama in Mimi’s camp, and all because of her sure-to-be-craptastic reality show and her manager, Stella Bulochnikov.

It appears that since Bulochnikov came aboard she has alienated all of Mimi’s peeps and now they’re bailing on her: her business manager, Michael Kane, her international publicist, Connie Filippello, her domestic publicist Chris Chambers, her tour manager Michael Richardson, her travel manager Gaylin Winkler and her stylist Wilfredo Rosado have all said bye-bye to Mimi. And all because, they ALLEGE, that Mariah has allowed Stella Bulochnikov to run her life.

Bulochnikov joined Carey as her manager last yearand has since brought in her own family members to help manage Carey and that’s caused the mass exodus of her longtime team. Bulochnikov even brought in her own lawyer and bookkeeper which ALLEGEDLY left Mariah’s staffers waiting to be paid. And now it seems that Stella is using Mimi’s “reality” show to badmouth the former Carey Crew on-camera.

Seriously, it’s gonna be like a Real Housewives of Atlanta up in that show. When Page Six tried to contact Bulochnikov on the story she told them to “f**k off.” For her part, Mariah is too busy being wheeled through hotel lobbies to respond.

It seems that even though Chris Martin consciously uncoupled from Gwyneth Paltrow last year he’s still as much of a diva as his ex-wife.

While Chris and Coldplay were performing on theToday Show last week, Chris wastreated like royalty while his bandmates were treated like Octavia Spencer in The Help. It was raining during their TV set and when it was overToday Show handlers and assistants ran to Martin with towels and umbrellas and space heaters and blankets and blow-dryers and … and … everything a diva might want or need while the rest of the band was left to fend for themselves … using yesterday’s Daily News to shield themselves from the downpour.

Naturally, a rep for the band — someone named Pwyneth Galtrow — says this is“absolutely and completely false on every level — except that it was raining.”

And not the kindof rain that Chris Martin should ever have to endure since he’s become Paltrow’d.

Madonna is so full of herself, and thinks she’s above it all, that she actually had her “team” post fake “No Parking” signs outside her Upper East Side building so she could snag the precious spots for herself.

The signs red “Tenant Parking Only” and “Unauthorized Vehicles Will Be Towed Away” and someone even painted a curb yellow and etched “No Parking” into sidewalk cement.

After complaints from her neighbors, Department of Transportation officials told Madonna’s people to take down the fake signs immediately.

I guess she’ll have to find somewhere else to park her tricycle after she returns from yet another drunken performance that started two hours late and played to a half-empty house.

The Beckham's son pretty boy Brooklyn has landed a key photographic assignment - being a model immediately gives you the skills to be on the other side of the camera. He's a 17 year old kid who should be protected not thrown out to the wolves as a model. This is one job he'd never have got as a normal person outside the Beckham bubble. His parents are as clueless as Madonna about parenting.