I Broke My Own Heart Loving Him

He had this charm about him that swept me off of my feet. He was everything I never knew I wanted. Our connection was like none I had ever had before. The moment that I had looked into his gorgeous light brown eyes, I could see my entire future soo clearly. I had experienced a feeling that I thought was unfailing love…

He was caring, loving, and genuine. He always had my best intentions at heart. He made me feel like I was on top of the world. He treated me like his Queen. He loved showing me off. He was amazing!

I feared that I would get my heart broken. But I was hopeful that I wouldn’t

Years later things started to change. Actually, a lot changed. He was putting minimal effort into our relationship. I was no longer a priority for him. I was getting pushed aside while other things trumped my importance. I started having to fight for my time with him. Something was always more important than I was.

But he always had the right words to make me look past his actions. I knew that I deserved better. But it didn’t matter to me. My love for him was unconditional, regardless of his faults. I thought he felt the same. He had always promised me this great future. I just needed to get through the “now.” Later in life, we would reach our peak and I would get the best of him. I thought by being a “ride or die” it would work to my favor in the long run. So I stayed… I thought if I could just hang in there, one-day things would get better.

I thought that I could make him a better man

It was not my intention to change who he was. I wanted him to be a better man. I challenged him to be a better person. But the reality that I learned along the way is that I could not change him. It did not matter what I said, did, or how hard I tried. It did not matter how good of a girlfriend I was. I could not make him be the man I wanted him to be.

The harsh reality was, he had to grow on his own and in his own timing. It was not something that I could be a part of. I just could not get myself to walk away without the “what-if’s” haunting me. He had to make the choice to let me go. It was by far one of the hardest things I have had to go through in my life. My heart completely shattered into a million pieces. I was left with soo many unanswered questions. Without the closure I needed, I could not let go.

The hardest thing I had to do was walk away still loving him

After we broke up, I held onto the hope that he would realize he made a mistake and come back to me. I held onto the hope that he would miss me and reach out. I held onto the hope of our promised future together. I held onto the hopes of all the broken promises. But none of them ever happened…

I broke my own heart holding on to him

I was holding onto him, but he wasn’t holding onto me.

He did not break me, I broke myself.

I blamed him for dragging my heart around, but it was not his fault. It was mine for letting him. I know he never meant to break my heart. He gave me signs all along the way but I chose to ignore them. I thought we would get through anything. Sometimes I just wish he would have left my heart where he found it. He knew it was bad timing. He knew that he could not love me the way that I deserved. Other times I realize that I needed to go through this level of heartbreak. It made me realize my true worth. It made me realize what never to allow again.

It made me realize that I lost myself in the process of loving him. I found myself down a lonely road. There was light all around me but I kept finding myself in the dark. I built walls so high, I didn’t even know how to break them down. I had cried too many tears and had too many falls that it became easier to hide behind my walls. It was my protection and it still is… When something good would come in my direction, I would push it away. I had no more love left to give. All my love was taken from me and I didn’t know how to get it back.

I had to pick up the broken pieces and make a choice to move on without closure. I could not continue to break my own heart any longer. I decided that I would no longer let him consume my mind. I had to let the situation be what it was instead of what I thought it should be.

Finally, I had the opportunity to find myself and happiness again. Through my struggles, it lead me to a strength I never knew I had. I am a better woman because of what I went through. It molded me into who I am today.

Another man will love you, in the way that he couldn’t.

To the girls breaking their hearts holding onto him, STOP! You can’t force him to care about you. You can’t force him to be loyal. You can’t force him to be the man you need him to be. Sometimes what our heart desires the most is what we are better off without. Your relationship happened for a reason, but that does not mean it is meant to be forever. Do not lose yourself loving him. You will never get the relationship that you need if he is not ready to give it to you. You will never truly be happy. Do not put your happiness on hold for him if he isn’t holding onto you. Some stories are meant to end without closure. Close your story and move forward!

You may think that your situation is different. Your relationship is different. He is different. The truth is everyone’s story is different. But most similar stories end the same. You can’t see it now, but you will later. Don’t be the one trying to save someone else from your story. Save yourself!

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My name is Kayla and I am the voice behind Through Her Eyes. My blog is meant to be an inspiration to all. It is a place you can seek tips, advice, wisdom, and inspiration. Be sure to check out my store with with awesome Boss Babe merchandise. I am active on social media so follow me to always stay up to date my with latest!

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