What a Muslim Miss USA Really Means

Published May 18, 2010 at 2:39 PM | Updated at 2:46 PM EDT on May 30, 2012

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The Miss USA pageant took place on Sunday night, and you may have heard that “history” was made when Miss Michigan, Rima Fakih, was crowned the winner and given sovereign authority over the 50 states and all U.S. foreign territories and military outposts. Fakih is the second Arab-American to claim the Miss USA title, and she told pageant officials that her family is both Muslim and Christian.

There was also this report, which details Fakih entering a stripping contest for a local Detroit radio station. Fakih won that contest without actually taking off any clothing, which tells you just how attractive she must be.

While Fakih is not the first Arab American to win the Miss USA prize, she is the first to do so in the post-9/11 era, when being an Arab American means you get funny looks whenever you bring more than 3 oz. of fluid through an airport security line. Look around hard enough, and you’ll find any number of nutjobs online telling you what this victory supposedly means. For example, conservative commentator and world’s worst Midwestern accent record holder Debbie Schlussel said Fakih has terrorist ties and her victory means that, like, we’re not America anymore or something.

Barack Obama will exploit this as propaganda for Islam. Mark my word. Hezbollah is laughing at us, tonight.

Well, okay. If you say so. Anyway, that kind of right wing ire in turn has inflamed the left, who were themselves outraged that Miss Oklahoma Morgan Elizabeth Woolard said she was “just fine” with Arizona’s controversial new immigration law. And all this comes after last year’s initial Miss USA, Carrie Prejean, was denounced for her stance on gay marriage and stripped of her crown for starring in a sex tape.

So what does this all mean? Is Fakih’s victory a symbol of increasing tolerance in American pop culture? Is it a bold salvo against radical Islam countries where women aren’t even allowed to show their faces in public? Or does it mean that Fakih is a Hezbollah double agent who will use her new powers to nuke Disneyworld?

Well, I’ll tell you precisely what it means: Nothing. At all. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s a contest owned by Donald Trump and aimed at finding hot chicks. Fakih won because she’s way hot and that’s the beginning and end of it. If she’s lucky, she’ll end up on a syndicated reboot of “She Spies,” and then follow the rest of her predecessors directly into oblivion.

Anyone who thinks this really matters is lying, and just looking for a political argument. These people are annoying and virtually certain to never win a beauty pageant. Don’t look for meaning in this victory. It isn’t there. Just appreciate it for what it is: a really hot girl winning a really hot girl contest. That’s what a real American would do.