Could You Be Your Own Worst Enemy When It Comes To Finding Love?

No one is putting a bigger hurdle in your way of finding love than you are.

I need you to get up, walk to that ginormous bolder and push it aside. Be it jealousy, envy, insecurity, your weight, your ex, your past relationships etc. You have to get rid of it once and for all. Look around you, love is meant for everyone. Even you, and you can get to it, the minute you get out of your own way.

If you’re like me, you know what you want being in a relationship to feel like. We all think we’ll know that feeling the minute it hits us but like many other emotions it’s an ebb and flow we can never control.

One day you really like someone, the next you think you can do better, the next you can’t live without them (they’re so sweet) a moment later you’re plotting an exit strategy.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do interrupt the flow of our love lives like a movie we can’t stop asking questions about. As much as we want to enjoy what’s happening we can’t help but anxiously await what will happen next. We want to know what will happen to us and the fact that we don’t is downright scary.

We keep wondering, “Who is that?” “What are they doing?” “Why are they here?” “What’s happening now?” with no one but our intuition to put its finger to it’s lips and say “SHH! Just watch what happens!”

That thing that you think is keeping you single is all in your mind. It started with a thought, a theory actually. Maybe as a quest to find the answer to the question we all ask ourselves but try to pretend that we’re not really asking.

“Why would anyone want to be in a relationship with me?”

Being single reinforces as much insecurity as being in a relationship validates. When someone likes us, it means we were right about what we thought was so wonderful about us and but when we’re single it’s being right about the things that someone wouldn’t like. When we are unsure about how a person feels about us, our minds race to a solution. How does anyone ever sleep?

While we know in the back of our minds there is a peaceful bliss somewhere between infatuation and love where you never ask those questions. Where everything you do is right and your partner couldn’t be happier to be with you. You spend days thinking up baby names and nights looking at pictures of them on Facebook. It’s all so sweet.

But you can’t get to that place because that cinderblock of a “issue” that I asked you to remove from your life earlier is still there, prompting you to doubt, wonder, stew, brood and most of all worry over things that are beyond your control.

So if you haven’t gotten up yet, but you are thinking about it, there is a way to remove this ever-present obstruction. (The one that is keeping you and happiness apart)

A day ago I might have advised that you forget about the nagging pains of insecurity and just put yourself out there. If you meet someone, give them a call. Why wait? If you’re wondering what your potential future spouse is doing, just ask.

I might have advised that you do for other people; everything that you would want someone to do for you but that doesn’t work.

Because they’re not you.

So what should you do?

Calm down. My ex boyfriend used to tell me, “Babe, it’s not that serious.” He was a liar, a cheater and gay but he had a point. It wasn’t that serious because whatever it was that I was afraid was going to happen, I was going to have to deal with it. If we were going to breakup, it’s not like I could pretend it didn’t happen. There was no avoiding what was going to happen so stressing out about it was useless.

The not knowing is intense and when you’re single you can’t help but think, “Where are they?”

Where is the wonderful person that is going to love you and tell you when you look great? Accompany you to work functions and bring you soup when you’re sick?

The worry, the stress, the sadness, the loneliness is going to come, just don’t freak out when it does. Let it run its course then go back to accepting life for what it is. Pretty awesome!

Stop doing the most. I always advocate taking control of your dating life but that also includes knowing when to take a step back. I am a firm believer in playing hard to get. I used to think that when I liked a guy I shouldn’t “play games” but it wasn’t so much as game as it was a way to have patience and stay calm.

Going out every night of the week, hitting on guy after guy, accepting dates that I don’t want to go on with people I don’t really care about becomes increasingly overwhelming. No matter how much effort I gave there were times I knew, I was getting no closer to finding a man than sitting at home in my pajamas.

Timing plays a part but you have to work smarter not harder. It’s likely that you’ve already met great potential partners. Take time cultivating current relationships instead of building new ones. Strengthen what you already have and embrace the love that’s already in your life.

It might sound unlike me but it’s okay to stop looking for love, for answers, for the cure, now and then.

Be optimistic. Thinking positively does not mean being naïve. There are millions of people in the world who don’t worry about what others will think of them, strive to be one of those people.

I wish I could go back in time and change every moment I went on a date thinking this guy is out of my league. I wish I could relive meeting every good-looking guy that I wanted to call me and enjoy the moment for what it could have been a great opportunity instead of the way I treated it which was nerve-wracking.

You can’t get those moments, when you let your insecurities dictate you perspective, back. Being self-aware and realistic are crucial but if you don’t say to yourself, ‘this person wants to date me, because I have a lot of offer,’ then you’ll never succeed.

As difficult as it might seem, especially if you’ve never been lucky in love, you have to maintain the exciting, anticipation of dating. You have to stop bracing yourself for the worst and appreciate all that is happening in your life… period.

Did I miss something? What are your roadblocks? Leave your comments below.

2 thoughts on “Could You Be Your Own Worst Enemy When It Comes To Finding Love?”

My roadblock is an ex boyfriend and the memories of our last 6 years. I know we aren’t meant to be together, and I’m happier now than when we were together- so why can’t I stop thinking about him and just move on?!

I think your tip of being optimistic definitely will help me out- so I thank you for that!

Usually there is some closure that’s missing, thinking things could have been different if only you woud’ve done XYZ or if he was a different person. Ultimately our perspective gets in our way and blocks us from seeing great opportunities right in front of us. 6 years is a long time but don’t be afraid to let yourself be open with new potential dates. You have to stay positive and believe that the more love affection, attention that you give is the more you’ll get back.

I thoroughly loved your tips on if you want to keep your man.. Though I myself comes from the men fraternity yet could not refrain from liking the minute detail you explained as I Could have easily relate to each point 😄. That's why , the marriage kills the romance because of those bad traits.

Miss Solomon - He Hasn’t Called, Now What…

Thank you for your comment, and for reading. My advice is this. A man should be cherishing and chasing you. A man should be worried that he will lose you if he doesn't show you attention. If a man isn't treating you like you're valuable to him, don't stay with him. Show your own value by leaving him alone. You don't need anyone in your life who makes you feel like you're second class. I hope this was helpful.

Miss Solomon - 5 Bad Habits That Chase Men Away

Thank you so much for your comment and thank you for reading! I know this is easy to say but the best way to approach men that you like is to remove yourself from the outcome. Yes, you want a date, and I think it's great that you took the initiative but don't beat yourself up about the outcome. The circumstances might not be right. There is one way I recommend taking action in dating to see results. It's a simple process - Step 1. Write down 3 possible scenarios A,B,C - A being if nothing happens, B being if it something happens but not what you expected, C being if your ideal results happen. Then try to imagine how you would feel in each scenario. Prepare yourself for no response, for a rejection, or for a date. If you're prepared for any outcome, its easy to take action. Just don't NEED anything certain result. Just take action because you're a brave person willing to take risks, and go after what you want. Instead of worrying about the result, just focus on taking action. It's not about what happens, it's about taking the action, accepting the result as feedback and moving forward with new information. I think you did a great thing! and the action itself means more than the result because you showed confidence. If you don't get a date, that's ok. But don't stop right taking action where you can. I hope this was helpful.

Danica - 5 Bad Habits That Chase Men Away

there is this guy who flirts with me, shows all 32 teeth when smiling at me and sighs around me a lot, well I do like him and think the feeling is mutual, but ive asked men out in the past and that did NOT turn out as I had hoped. but I decided to give it another shot by giving my crush a Christmas card and writing in it the following "me and you coffee with my name/number" and if he is interested he has my digits. is that too much or not.

lizzy - He Hasn’t Called, Now What…

i want u to advice me ma.there is dis guy v bn lvn for d past 10yrs i lata told im my filns and he agri to date ever since dat day he hasnt called or text v bn the 1 textn and calln.what can i do