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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Well, we're officially back in TTC game. My period finally decided to make it's grand appearance over the weekend. It actually started on the last day of my Provera pills so I was a little surprised to see it that soon, but definitely no complaints here!

The reason I'm calling this round 1.2 is because technically this is my second round of Clomid, however my first round was way back in October and therefore it feels like we're starting over again for the first time. Calling it round one would be incorrect, but at the same time calling it round two doesn't quite feel appropriate either. So, I'm thinking of it as a second go at round one. For some reason I'm having many mixed emotions about this, and it took me several hours today to muster up the courage to take the first pill. I think I'm mostly worried that my body won't cooperate and it will end up being yet another very frustrating cycle. And I what I mean by not cooperating is not ovulating. I honestly don't expect to get pregnant this first cycle TTC again. I'm not feeling pressured by any means, and am going to give it 3-4 cycles before starting to get too concerned if not pregnant by then.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Last night I broke down.I feel like I’ve been really strong about this miscarriage, so much stronger than I expected.This is only the 3rd time since it happened where I’ve cried about it.And I don’t mean just crying, I’m talking about sobbing uncontrollably.What was getting to me is how alone I feel in all this.I feel like Jeff doesn’t feel the way I do about it (and our discussion last night confirmed this for me).He tells me he felt sad the week it happened but since then hasn’t really thought about it much and doesn’t understand why I’m so upset about it.I told him we lost a baby.I told him I’ll forever mourn this loss, even if we do go on to have healthy kids.I’m never going to forget about this one.None of that makes sense to him.

I don’t expect him to agree with my feelings.All I want is for him to comfort me on days I feel sad about it.I want to feel like I can talk about it and express my feelings without him looking at me like I’m some freak.I want him to hug me and tell me it’s going to be okay and that he’s here for me.

Most days I’m fine with it.I really am.I feel like everything in life happens for a reason and I have learned so much from this experience.But on those rare days when I feel really down, I just want to know I can turn to him and not have to keep my feelings bottled up inside.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

When I think back to my miscarriage and the day I had the D&C, the one thing that stands out in my mind is how caring and wonderful the staff at the outpatient surgical center where I had the procedure done were. The compassionate people who cared for me that day made what I was going through just a little bit easier. I think I was suppose to receive a patient satisfaction survey afterwards, but never did. I really want these people to know how special they are, as I feel anyone who provides good customer services deserves to be praised. Therefore, I wrote the director an email today. Here is what I wrote:

I was a patient at [facility name] on 3/1/11. I am writing to let you know how great every single person I encountered at the facility that day was. I still find myself thinking about that day and am amazed at how kind, caring and compassionate they all were. To be treated as great as I was by your staff on what was one of the worst days of my life means the world to me. I will forever be grateful for the care I received.

I would love it if you passed this on, or made sure those who cared for me know how much they are appreciated.

1. I never had the desire to get married until I met my husband.
2. I have a hard time helping others when they don't try to help themselves.
3. I'm impatient.
4. I enjoy looking forward to events way more than when they actually happen...
5. ...I set myself up for disappointment all the time.
6. I tend to be more of a pessimist than an optimist but am trying really hard to change that.
7. I have completely turned into my mother, and surprisingly that is okay with me.
8. I would like to do volunteer work but don't want to give up my free time.
9. A lot of the time I look like I'm walking around with a scowl on my face, but it's really because I'm in deep thought, I'm always thinking about something.
10. I love to read books.
11. I don't care for fruit flavored candy, it has to be chocolate.
12. I worked for the campus newspaper in college long enough to write one article, and then quit because it was so hard.
13. I'm left handed.
14. I get excited about the simplest things.
15. I could never get LASIK eye surgery because just thinking about it makes my stomach churn.
16. I have sky-dived once and probably won't have the guts to ever do it again.
17. I have 3 tattoos.
18. I hope I never lose my independence.
19. I love caramel lattes and wish I could afford to buy one every day.
20. I love cute pajamas, but always end up wearing the same old, worn out, comfy t-shirt and pants to bed.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Hello and welcome to my blog! I am fairly new to the blogging world, so I apologize if my blog doesn't have much content at this point. I found myself keeping a journal once we started having trouble TTC, and during my pregnancy and miscarriage, and decided a blog would be a great way to organize my thoughts and feelings from here forth.

In starting my own blog, I've also been introduced to others' and really enjoy reading about their experiences. It helps to know I'm not alone in dealing with infertility. (That, by the way, is the first time I've actually admitted that we are struggliing with infertility. I think I've lived in denial up until this point).

I hope you enjoy what I have so far, and perhaps you will decide to stay and continue along this journey with me!

My latest update: two weeks went by and my period never made its grand appearance. Dr. C. upped my Provera dose to 20 mg/day for 10 days in hopes that will bring on a period this time. So hopefully that does the trick. Even though it pushes TTC back further than I anticipated, I'm actually feeling pretty calm and relaxed. I feel like I'm doing something (i.e. popping pills) again instead of just sitting around impatiently waiting for something to happen.

In other big news, I turned 30 this week. I was okay with it all until the day before my birthday my husband asked me if I was going to party it up since it was my last day in my 20s. Yikes! When put that way, it sent me into a bit of a panic attack. Leaving my 20s behind?! But I graduated from college, met and married my husband, and did a lot of wild and crazy things in between during the last 10 years. There are so many memories my mind has accumulated over that time. I can only hope when I turn 40 I will be able to look back on my 30s with nothing but fond memories of raising our kids.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I've lost all hope. I know that sounds a little dramatic, but that's how I feel today. I took my last Provera pill on Thursday (5 days ago), and my period still hasn't started. The other two times in my life I have taken Provera, my period started within a couple days of taking the last pill. I know the nurse had said it could take up to two weeks, but for me this doesn't seem normal. If Provera doesn't work to bring on a period I don't know what there is to do. I'm getting stressed out thinking I'm now going to have to wait another 60-90 days for my period to come in order for us to be able to start TTC again. I'm so frustrated with my body right now I just want to cry.

Monday, May 2, 2011

I have come to an interesting realization. Ever since making my miscarriage known to people, I have noticed that those around me think that I am suppose to be overjoyed at others' pregnancy or baby related announcements and news. I think people assume that just because you are now trying to conceive and have babies on the brain, that any baby news is going to bring you joy. What they don't realize is that after you have suffered a miscarriage, others' baby news is the last thing you want to hear about. Yes, any child is a blessing from God and should be welcomed into the world with open arms. And yes, I am happy for those who are so blessed. However, it still stings. It stings a lot. Call me selfish if you will, but as happy as I am for others, I want my own.

I don't necessarily think it's the news itself that bothers me. I understand life goes on and people continue to procreate. I think what bothers me is the expectant look in people's eyes when they deliver the news. It's a look that says: "Isn't that the most wonderful news you have ever heard and aren't you just so over-the-moon happy for them/me?"

I also know, however, that when I am lucky enough to have my own I want others to be happy for me. I don't want people to cringe and turn their head the other way. I don't want people to make me feel guilty for being blessed with a child. But those are the kinds of responses I give to others. I feel guilty about my reaction afterwards, but in the moment it is the only way I know how to cope.

So my question is, how does one go about temporarily pushing their own grief aside in order to be happy for others?

About Me

Hello and welcome! I started this blog in 2011 in the midst of our infertility journey. After 3 unexplained miscarriages (likely due to my PCOS diagnosis), and the help of some drugs, I conceived twins! Our miracles, Chase and Alexis, were born in January 2013. Life has been crazy since they were born, and my hope is to start dedicating more time to sharing the good, bad, and the ugly here with you all!