On Complexifications And Caveat

July 14, 1985|By Raymond Coffey.

What with old Coke`s comeback, Madonna turning up in the altogether in both Playboy and Penthouse and assorted other heavy excitements, I don`t suppose this qualifies as the most urgent question facing America just now.

But what I am trying to figure out is how Harry J. Gray ever hired Alexander M. Haig.

Gray, chairman and chief executive officer of United Technologies, used a full-page ad in the Wall Street Journal last week to dispense a strong dose of some of the more useful advice I`ve come across in some time.

``Keep It Simple`` was the essence of, and the headline on, the ad.

``Strike three,`` it went on by way of example. ``Get your hand off my knee. You`re overdrawn. Your horse won. Yes. No. You have the account. Walk. Don`t walk. Mother`s dead.``

One of the great frauds being perpetrated on us these days--by politicians, academics, economists, too many pundits and practically anyone who makes a living on TV by getting himself billed as an expert on something or other--is that keeping it simple is somehow the same as being simple-minded.

Every problem or issue that comes along--hijackings and hostages, the federal deficit, arms control, tax reform, the price of soybeans, you name it --is, they tell us, ``complex.``

That is supposed to mean, first of all, that ordinary people cannot begin to understand and, therefore, we should leave it to the ``experts,`` which of course keeps them employed.

Calling something ``complex`` is also very often just another excuse for indecision, waffling, passing the buck. We ought to do something drastic and immediate about airline hijackings, people say sensibly. Well, it`s not that easy; it`s a very complex problem, the experts say nonsensically as they sit back and wait for the next hijacking.

To make sure we don`t understand how uncomplicated some of these

``complex`` matters really are, the experts also habitually enshroud their alleged wisdom in impenetrable syntax, exotic jargon, multisyllabic malapropisms, grammatical contortions and general assault, battery and abuse of the language.

As Gray`s ad said, ``Idiosyncratically euphuistic eccentricities are the promulgators of triturable obfuscation.``

``What did you do last night?`` the ad asked. ``Enter into a meaningful romantic involvement or fall in love?``

Well, actually I stayed home and watched a baseball game on TV. But given the choice between a meaningful relationship or falling in love, I`d take falling in love every time, and certainly I wouldn`t want to be caught having anything to do with ``euphuistic eccentricities`` or ``triturable obfuscation,`` both of which sound to me like first-degree felonies.

I wouldn`t know Gray from a bale of hay. I`m pretty sure I am not guilty of a conflict of interest here, as I am not anytime soon intending to buy a helicopter, a jet engine or an elevator--the items his company sells. So I congratulate him on his ``Keep It Simple`` message.

But what I still would like to know is how he ever hired General Haig who, just prior to his brief and stormy tenure as President Reagan`s secretary of state, labored as president of United Technologies for something like $500,000 a year.

If ever a man had a pathological disinclination to ``keep it simple,`` it was Haig.

He couldn`t settle for being secretary of state. He had to be, as he put it, the ``vicar`` of American foreign policy and his short season at Foggy Bottom turned into a long siege of what one commentator called semantical slaughter.

``I`ll have to caveat my response on that, senator,`` Haig once told a congressional committee, turning a Latin noun into an English verb and meaning --well, I still don`t know what he meant.

At his very first press conference, responding to a question about terrorism, Haig said (in part): ``Now as you parcel it out in the context of individuals or separatist movements or independent movements, of course, the problem is substantially different and the restraints and the ability to apply retaliatory action is sometimes not only constrained but uncertain. And so I caveat it that way.``

There`s good old ``caveat`` again. Haig became so enchanted with his linguistic innovation that he used it for the title of his memoirs. But what was he saying?

Strike three. Your horse won. Yes, keep it simple. No, we`re not all dopes. And I`ll pass on the caveat.