New Analysis Reveals St. Valentine's Day Massacre Result of Spontaneous Demonstration

For many decades it has been thought that the massacre of seven Irish mobsters in a garage in Chicago in 1929 was the result of a conspiracy of Sicilian mobsters, headed by Al Capone. But today new research assembled by U.N. ambassador Susan Rice proves unequivocally that the gunning down of seven unarmed men who had been stood against a wall by intruders pretending to be police officers was the random result of a boccie ball street tournament that got out of hand because an Italian restaurant recklessly started Happy Hour at seven in the morning on St. Valentine's day and extended it by serving free wine into the afternoon.

"Compounding this unfortunate decision by the restaurant owner, " Ambassador Rice said, "was the worse decision by the gun store owner next door to offer a two-for-one Sunday special sale on .45 cal. Thompson machine guns." Ambassador Rice went on to state that lingering misinformation about the nature of this event has resulted in generations of suspicion between Italians and the Irish in Chicago and it is far past time to put the earlier, more malicious versions of the fabled tale to rest.

Not only must dozens of books be rewritten to reflect the new understanding, but scores of movies and TV shows as well have to be re-done, say sources close to powerful Hollywood studios and leading celebrities. An immense effort is called for, and all progressive Americans especially will be called on to provide funding for this urgent revision of history to be completed before Nov. 6th, 2012.

Why this particular deadline? Neither Ambassador Rice nor Secretary of State Clinton will say, but it is very important that the American people be correctly informed on this tragedy ASAP.