Virginia aiming for greatness

Michael Howlett

February 13, 2013

Everyone knows that Virginia abounds in history. Our beloved state is known as the “Mother State” because we were the first state colonized. Virginia is also known as the “Mother of Presidents,” because eight men who became our nation’s supreme leader were born on this hallowed ground.

Before I go any further, I need to address a false claim by Ohio, which, apparently, will lay claim to just about anything, except the Cleveland Browns. Ohio claims to be the birthplace of flight because the Wright brothers were born in that state, choosing to forget the fact they chose North Carolina as the place to make history. While I find that annoying, the false claim that gets my goat, burns my bacon, scorches my chicken is the state’s claim to … wait for it … being the “Birthplace of Presidents,” Yea, that’s right those buckeyes bozos are trying to undercut the Old Dominion.

Ohio claims to have birthed eight future presidents, while claiming that Virginia has produced just seven. A little research has straightened out this discrepancy. Those buckeyes claim William Henry Harrison, our ninth president. However, records show Harrison didn’t live in Ohio until after he was married in 1795. He was born at Berkeley Plantation in Charles City County, Virginia. So there buckeyes, suck on that.

Now, let’s move on to a question I have about Old Virginnie, What has happened to our once great state? Many Virginians were key players in the founding of this nation and three of the first six presidents were homegrown. But since Woodrow Wilson, who was president from 1913-1921, we’ve been, for the most part, a non-player on the national scene. Before I go any further, I need to set the record straight. When I was in high school, students learned Wilson was a great president. I learned later, he was a racist and we had more foreign interventions (nine) under him than any president in our history. I’m sure Eric Cantor still admires him, though.

So, with Virginia falling off the face of the presidential map, it’s only natural that we need something to catch the eye of our fellow states. Well, my friends, our lawmakers are doing their best to bring us back to the forefront. I’m sure everybody knows our legislators are much more concerned with women’s reproductive organs than they are getting automatic weapons off the streets. Yep, those darn vaginas are the problems, not weapons designed for killing as many people in the shortest amount of time as possible.

On top of that, a proposal to study whether Virginia should adopt its own currency is apparently gaining support in the state legislature. One supporter is Republican Del. Robert Marshall, who wants a 10-member panel appointed to study this matter. Marshall wants a return to the gold standard, which was suspended in 1933 by Franklin Roosevelt. By the way, Fort Knox is empty, according to the History Channel. It must be remembered though that the History Channel also televised a program raising the question, “Did space aliens attend the first Thanksgiving?” Oh, by the way, the answer is “yes.”

Now, if Virginia decides to print its own money, backed by actual gold, our government will need a lot of the shiny stuff, and a place to keep it. I’ve already decided to offer storage space in my basement, free of charge. In addition, we need to decide who should be on our currency. Marshall has already ruled out Jefferson Davis and Dave Matthews, and since Washington and Jefferson are already on coins, they are, in my opinion, right out. However, that still leaves a wide-open field of famous Virginians who could adorn state currency.

I think it would be only fair to allow our citizenry to have a say so as to who will be pictured on our money. In addition to the other U.S. presidents born in Virginia, I’m sure Confederate heroes like Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson and Jeb Stuart would get mention, or possibly famous actors like Warren Beatty, George C. Scott and Shirley MacLaine …okay, nobody’s going to want crazy Shirley on their money … or authors like Tom Wolfe and Willa Cather.

However, I think we need to think outside the box. If we’re going to tell the rest of the U.S. we don’t need your stinkin’ money, well, I think we need to go in another direction. Personally, I am voting for Nat Turner, Bill “Bojangles” Robinson and Pocahontas. Turner, of course, led a great slave uprising, Mr. Bojangles could really dance around (almost as good as our current politicians dance around the real issues) and Pocahontas was a Native-American who got it on with a white man. I think they are perfect representatives of our great Commonwealth.