W Testifies

There are some words or phrases, which if they were to appear on your resume, would be considered a red flag by potential employers. “Enron” is a good example. “Killing Spree” is another. Along those lines, it’s probably not a good idea to put “Can’t answer questions unless Cheney is with me” on your resume. Although admittedly, people may wonder who “Cheney” is in the context of you seeking a job at Baby Gap.

However, that is exactly what President W would have to put on his resume after his testimony before the 9/11 Commission. You may recall that after months of refusing to answer questions, W finally agreed to appear before the commission, but only if Vice-president Cheney could sit in with him and only if someone pantomimed the questions with hand-puppets. (Ok, I made up the “hand-puppet” part. But admit that you weren’t sure for a minute).

I don’t exactly recall W’s rationale for not being able to answer questions alone, like everyone else. But I bet it wasn’t “Because I’m a Super-Genius!” In any event, because of some very high contacts I have in the Bush administration (OK, Condi and I sold change-purses made out of hemp on the beach together in the ’70’s) I can now publish the transcript of the joint Bush/Cheney testimony before the 9/11 Commission. Maybe this will provide some insight as to why W felt he needed company. Enjoy…

Chairman Kean
Good Morning, Mr. President and Mr. Vice President

W
Howdy Eggplant! I like nicknames, do ya mind if I call ya
Eggplant?

Chairman Kean
Uh, I suppose that would be all right. Let’s begin the questioning
with Richard Ben-Veniste.

Cheney
What the President means to say is that he is prepared to respond
to all inquiries.

Richard Ben-Veniste
Mr. President, prior to the attacks on New York and Washington
on September 11, were you concerned about a threat by Al-Quaeda
to attack the US homeland?

W
When you say “prior,” does that mean before or after?

Richard Ben-Veniste
Uh…before.

W
Thought so. And when you say “before,” does that mean
before or after?

Cheney
What the president means to say is that we took all threats
of terrorism seriously at all times, whether foreign or domestic.

Richard Ben-Veniste
What steps did you take to infiltrate bin-Laden’s network after
being briefed on the threat?

W
Bin Laden? He related to you Ben-Veniste?

Richard Ben-Veniste
Good God no!

W
Ya both got them funny “Ben” names. Anyone here like
Mexican Food?

Cheney
What the president means is that we aggressively employed
all human and technological intel assets at our disposal.

Chairman Kean
Does Senator Bob Kerrey have any questions?

Senator Kerrey
Mr. President, did you suspect that Al-Quaeda had access to
weapons of mass destruction?

W
Weapons o’who??

Cheney
The president means to say that he was always cognizant of
the potential of Al-Quaeda related WMD.

Senator Kerrey
Mr. President, is it accurate to say you completely ignored
the terrorist threat that faced us?

W
Yes, absolutely!

Cheney By that the President means “No, Absolutely not.”

Senator Kerrey
Mr. President, who requested the PDE which first revealed
bin-Laden’s plans to attack the US?

W
Well I’ll tell ya Pocket Pool, it was right after my electment
as President. Remember, I’d only won by negative 540,000
votes. That’s close. Texas close! I still remember inauguerment
day. I was standing at the capital, with its dome reflecting
off the pond looking like a big ol’ pile of white powder on a mirror.
I knew I was lucky. Without my daddy’s name, money, and contacts,
I would be selling “Hooked on Jesus” bumper stickers out of the
back of a minivan in Sheboigan for a living.

Chairman Kean
Mr. President…

W
I not only thought of my daddy, but of my lovely wife Laura.
If she hadn’t agreed to marry me, our twin daughters would
not have had a mother. And they would be very sad.

Chairman Kean
Mr. President, we really need to focus on 9/11…

W
I also thought of my mother, Babs. At the Inaugurment,
she came waddling up to me all bug-eyed and said, “George, you’ve exceeded our wildest expectations for you. No….really, you have. You have no idea. Do you remember the story of the tortoise and
the hare? Well, your father and I always thought of you as, well,
not even the tortoise really, but more of a slab of slate, just
sort of lying there, watching the tortoises whiz by you.” It’s
nice to make a mother proud.

Pause

Cheney
…I have no idea…

Chairman Kean
I think we’ve gotten all the information we’re likely to get.

W Well thanks for coming Eggplant, I was sure happy to answer
your questions. Texas Happy! But no one answered mine.

Chairman Kean
And what question is that Mr. President?

W
Anyone here like Mexican food?

I was happy to release this transcript as a public service. I hope this puts to rest all of those pesky questions about our president’s intellect.