The Red Sox sure made things easy by not acquiring an obvious fifth starting pitcher. On a not completely unrelated note, here are some pitchers who will probably attempt to start games for the Red Sox this year:

Felix Doubront: This seems like a somewhat logical choice. He’s young (24) and a lefty. He’s also out of options and the Red Sox don’t think he’ll make it off waivers, so he can’t be that terrible, right? Last year he wasn’t in shape to start the year, so let’s see if he’s back in Boston’s good graces this time around.

Vincente Padilla: He’s crazy…so he’s got that going for him. What team wouldn’t die for that silky smooth career ERA of 4.31?

Michael Bowden: He’s only 25 so maybe he can turn things around and avoid being a bust. Could be a factor in the bullpen too.

Aaron Cook: He pitched game 4 of the 2007 World Series against Lester, so I guess you can technically have a championship caliber rotation if he’s a part of it.

Daisuke Matsuzaka: The frustrating starter, should be back from Tommy John surgery in June or July. He’s also a free agent at the end of the year, so maybe he’ll be pitching for a contract elsewhere. Anyone else still waiting to see that gyroball?

John Lackey: Hey, the Red Sox are desperate. A John Lackey not yet recovered from Tommy John surgery? What could possibly go wrong?

The hope is that one or two of these guys turn out to not be complete embarrassments. Or at least pitch well enough that if the Red Sox offense scores 25 runs a night when they start, the team can still be competitive.

My pick: Genetically fuse all of them together to create a super mediocre pitcher. I can already smell that statline of 9-15 and 4.85 ERA.

Josh Segal is a professional shock artist and trash talker. He also occasionally writes opinion pieces about the Red Sox, Patriots, Celtics, and their respective leagues at large. Segal is currently a junior at Kenyon College where he plans to double major in drama and political science. Apparently he also writes his own biographies in the third person.