Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

cheaters--when you come out of the fog, do you...

Just finished reading the discussion about how cheaters rewrite the history of their marriage, and that's also what my husband did. I cannot believe how much that has hurt--his was an emotional affair lasting 10 mos. and when I asked what they talked about, he said, "Our bad marriages." I was stunned by that (though while he was seeing her,things were not good between us and I didn't know why--but almost up until the moment she came to him for counseling and told him her husband had beat her, I thought our marriage was great). I am still not over that bc I thought we had a wonderful marriage and used to tell him how lucky we were to have each other. I never in a million years believed we had a bad marriage. Now I realize that everytime I said or did something he thought was "wrong" he told her. Anyway--here it is, 2 years later, and since we don't talk about it (it's been swept under the carpet and we do not discuss it--or he gets mad at me and shuts me out), I don't know if he really believes that we had a bad marriage--I don't think he would admit that our marriage was good and that he's the one who changed things.

So, here's my question for cheaters--do you ever look back and realize that you said and did things to justify what you were doing? Do you wonder how you ever even thought that your marriage was bad or that your spouse wasn't really the awful person you said she was...

Do you recognize that you rewrote history or do you still believe that's why you cheated?

Thanks--and I really hope everyone will be civil to any cheaters who respond!

I've never cheated but I wonder this about my husband. How could he say such cruel things about me to her? He shared intimate details with her of my struggle with severe bi polar disorder. How could he? There is no justification. Sorry, I think they feel gulity. They make excuses to cover guilt.

JinnaD, I think it is all about perception. When a married person gets involved emotionally with someone else, the feeling they get from this person make their marriage appear to be not very good, everything about their married life can suddenly seem troubled, or dull, or miserable. The more they see of the other person, the stronger this feeling gets, and then they start treating their spouse poorly or retreating from the marriage, which makes everything worse. So, they end up creating what they imagine of their marriage. It may feel so real at the time, but upon reflection and a better understanding of what happened, the cheating spouse may realize that the marriage was not really bad. As long as this lesson is well learned, then future relationships like this can be avoided.

Please,If we get responces here. don't jump all over these people. They are stonge enough to face what is asked of them. Lets all be civil this time. I have blown my top and have been ashamed. Too anyone I have insulted I am so sorry. I learned an important lesson.

So, here's my question for cheaters--do you ever look back and realize that you said and did things to justify what you were doing?

** I have never attempted to justify what I did.

Do you wonder how you ever even thought that your marriage was bad or that your spouse wasn't really the awful person you said she was...

**I never thought my marriage was &quot;bad&quot; or that my spouse was &quot;really awful&quot;. Sad, yes. Very sad. My marriage was and is sad. My spouse is not awful...he just can't see me, never has, never will. Why? If I only knew. Actually his entire family dynamics are like a business, even his grandparents so perhaps he's just wired that way from birth.

My marriage has always been a friendship/business arrangement. My love and I talked about our marriages, our spouses, his children, our parents, his job, my charity work (I've never had a job outside of the home.)...but not once, not even once did we say ugly things about any of them.

Do you recognize that you rewrote history or do you still believe that's why you cheated?

**I didn't rewrite history. To understand my history feel free to read my other posts here. I could stand before The Almighty Himself and tell Him (although He would already know every detail of what I'm telling Him) without even one second of feeling nervous because I was lying or even slightly misleading about the situation. He knows my heart, He knows I will pay the ultimate price for feeling this way. Someone here said I won't go to Hell...well, I'm not so sure.

Obviously there are some cheaters who give their version and their version is a lot of hooey.

Actually, I don't think it's just cheaters who do that. I think it's anyone who wants to place blame on anyone else rather than excepting their shortcomings.

And yes, I believe there are some marriages and the two sides see things in ways that are completely polar opposite from each other. So somewhere between his version and her version is the truth.

Jinna,
My husband used his ow as a sounding board for his complaints about me. He thought at the time that he was confiding in a friend, which I guess is true. He never told me we had a bad marriage and I was furious when he admitted all of the things he had told her about MY LIFE! I immediately insisted he tell me some unflattering things about her and her life. He wouldnt...even couldnt! Not for over two years and I asked for this a couple of months after D-Day.

Eventually, he realized, that I would never settle for less. I told him if you could compare me unfavorably to her, so easily, and cannot do the opposite, than I refuse to believe the relationship is ended. He had not contact with her after d-day but I meant emotionally.

He was able to see more clearly by 2 years after and realized that she had a number of flaws, including the fact that she was a serial man chaser. he also apologized and said he never thought our marriage was bad and that I was an incredible wife and that he tried to make himself believe that to justify the affair.

So, yes, they do realize they were lying to themselves and others. Sometimes I think they must or should be encouraged to admit it.

I don't know what really happened and what was twisted by my perception anymore. What I do know was that I personally wasn't happy when the affairs occured. I wish there was a way I could take everything I know now and go back 5 years. I'd make alot of different choices.

A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...

Today is my 25th birthday, to my somewhat lack of surprise I can see already no one really seems to care. I've always been the kinda person to make sure that everyone I Care about feels appreciated and knew somebody had their back. I can count 4 times this year when I Went out of my way to make sure a "friend" felt good on their birthday, especially if they got left hanging. Its early in the...

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