Exploring my life through the lens of a camera…

Archive for December, 2010

What can I say about life since school started back up in September? Very little is new for me, yet I feel like so much has changed. School was one thing: busy. I’ve had group assignments like crazy — as usual — though this time I’m dealing with a group member who is less than effective, to say the least. The issues with this one person were so intense that I lost many hours of sleep trying to figure out how to handle the situation. The challenge was, this group member has a complete lack of respect for the other members of the group, wouldn’t work within the group process and occasionally seemed to sabotage the group assignments. I wont start a rant about all that this person does, as I do have to continue to work with them through the next rotation (believe me, this group has a lot to do before Feb 10th, but I can’t wait to be done with this person!).

Suffice it to say, this rotation has been nothing but busy. I am not really sure of the count anymore — well, to be honest, I don’t want to go look — but I think I had about 14 deadlines in the space of a few weeks. As such, I feel like I’ve done very little lately: when asked I don’t know what to say. But the reality is, I haven’t totally disappeared, I’ve hung out with school friends, I’ve kept running — slowly, but still moving forward — and I’ve been meeting with some friends who knit.

This term has been important for shaping me in some important ways. It’s been a time of better refining what I enjoy and where I want my career to start. I’ve realized that what I appreciate is working with children, and their families, to support the children to reach whatever potential they may have. I find this more gratifying than working with a geriatric population and supporting them as they move towards the end of their life. I’m not saying that nursing in that population isn’t important, or there isn’t the potential for some important work to be done, just that when I compare the two populations I do prefer pediatrics. However, we’ll see what direction my career actually takes, as I don’t ‘dislike’ geriatric units, but when I have to state a preference, that’s where I stand.

Next term I will be back on a geriatric unit for my last rotation before my preceptorship; I don’t yet know where my preceptorship will be (though I’m hopeful it will be a pediatric placement).

The other rotation I had this term was maternity. This particular rotation was generally a happy one: the patients are in the middle of a major life transition, but overall it’s a happy one. The patients are full of joy and wonderment and a lot of uncertainty. For me, I think it was the hardest rotation out of all of them (though it’s not one that gets a ‘I’d NEVER work there’ from me — that’s Mental Health with Community a close second – I could see myself working in maternity – maybe). I’m not saying that it’s a hard place to work (it’s not), rather, I think it hit me the hardest.

The thing with this unit is it’s families, couples and single women being given this amazing gift of a new baby — or babies (I did work with a family that had identical twins too!). This particular unit made me face the reality of what I want most of all: a family of my own. Every day I was reminded of my dreams, and every day I think I grieved the loss of what I feel like I’ve never been allowed to have. I don’t particularly want to get into details of this topic in this post, but I will get back to it, and I expect it will be soon.

Suffice it to say, being faced with newly formed families on a daily basis was very difficult. I think I was lucky in who was in my clinical group — I felt very safe to be honest about this (though I was probably the quietest about this, compared with the others in my group) with this group of women. I was also faced with the reality, like I haven’t been before, that I am getting to the point where I NEED to decide if I’m going to have a family on my own: even without a husband. That thought breaks my heart. I know that I will have much processing and grieving to do if that’s the path my life ends up taking, but I’ve also realized that I would regret it if I let an inability to find a husband hold me back from having a family. Again, this whole topic could be a book on its own, let alone a separate blog post.

I do think, overall, my perspective has shifted: from a resistance to the idea (of single motherhood), to a realization that it may be my reality, even if it’s not what I prefer. My priorities leaving school haven’t changed: find a full-time job, pay of debt and buy a place. But interspersed in that is the realization that I need to be preparing myself and my life for a family. It could mean moving to the states and working there for a while (that’s an idea I still carry, and plan to work towards once I’m done school), but if I do end up as a single mother, I will move home: the support of my family is essential.

All in all it was an emotional term, one that is taking a lot of time for me to process.