In my duties as a pastor, many confused Christian boys have approached me after mass in the dim, musty basement of my church. “Pastor Crosslick,” they mumble through their puckered lips. “Why is gay marriage bad? How does it affect me if two fairies get hitched?” In order to answer these troubled boys, I compiled a list of the five reasons why homosexual marriage is a grave danger to our Christian American society.

Let me reiterate to those liberal forces out there that are bigoted against Christians that I do not dislike gays in any way, shape or form! I believe that gays have a place at the fringes of society and have no problem with them residing in the trendier neighborhoods of cities like New York City, San Francisco or Boston. If they chose to engage in evil, despicable behavior and go to hell when they die of AIDS – that is their right and I respect it!

In fact, I have admired many gays, such as Nathan Lane, for their contributions to our society. That said here is my list of the five reasons why any reasonable, uneducated person should oppose the legalization of gay marriage.

1. Gay marriage is an affront to our Ever-loving Lord God

God is very clear about his belief that homosexuality is a wicked sin. In fact, chapter 18 of Leviticus in the Old Testament spells out in simple language all of the forbidden sexual delights that God finds nasty. Homosexuality comes right after God 's warning to men not to fornicate with women when in the midst of their monthly “curse” and right before his admonishment not to engage in hot sex with farm animals.

God says: “Do not practice homosexuality; it is a detestable sin” (Leviticus 18:22). That’s why hell-spawned places like Massachusetts and California should not pass laws to include homosexual lifestyles depicted in classroom lessons. Trust me! Jesus is a loving and tolerant God, but even he has no patience for corrupters of children: “But who shall offend one of these little ones who believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.”

I think it is clear that Jesus is saying that he’ll drown you like a filthy rat if you teach youngsters that gays are just normal people and deserve to be treated like regular folks by being allowed to get married.

2. Gay marriage will usher in the legalization of bigamy and incest

When you start down the slippery slope of legalizing abominations like homosexual marriage, you inevitably open the door to legalizing other sexual fetishes such as bigamy, incest, coprophilia, and autoerotic asphyxia. Laws against making love with your children or your father or your good-looking cousin Phil from New York are rooted firmly in the Christian faith.

Some liberals will argue that incest laws are in place for health reasons because the offspring of such relations have a greater likelihood of inheriting undesirable traits. But that’s a red herring because even if the incestuous couple were infertile few people, except for perhaps the Massachusetts Superior Court, would support such a relationship. Incest is evil – and everyone knows it!

When you allow gay people to marry how will we be able to prevent a man from marrying two women? Or another man from marrying a chicken or a cow? The answer, of course, is that you can’t.

3. Gay marriage will force more children to become criminals

If you support gay marriage then you must also support children being raised as lawless criminals. Prisons are overflowing with well-muscled, tattooed thugs who were raised in broken homes – homes that did not have both a mother and a father. There are many, many studies commissioned by various organizations that prove without a doubt that children who were raised by gay people have a higher tendency to kill. I know some liberals will doubt this fact, but a fact is a fact and studies from uncredited sources do not lie!

Look no further than the socially communist nations of Scandinavia where homosexuals have had the right to get married for many years. The results are predictable – out-of-wedlock births skyrocketed since same-sex marriage was legalized. We all know that out-of-wedlock is just a liberal way of saying: broken home!

4. Gay marriage will destroy heterosexual marriages

All the major religious novels, including the Christian Bible, the Torah and the Koran, teach that homosexuality is unnatural and ruinous to a healthy society. Again we can look to the Scandinavians to prove that gay marriage undermines heterosexual unions. In 1993, Norway’s state courts imposed gay marriage on the country. Again the results were predictable as heterosexual marriages dropped and out-of-wedlock births increased significantly.

This is because same-sex marriage undermines the core foundations of commitment and normalcy of regular marriage. This same pattern is occurring in Canada and Holland where homosexual marriage is legal and already heterosexual unions are dropping faster than the trousers of an interior designer in front of a glory hole.

5. Gay marriage will make homosexual behavior mainstream

Few people – even conservative Christians shielded in the glow of God’s approval – are brave enough to claim that the homosexual lifestyle is dangerous to your health. But it’s true! Gay relationships are loveless affairs and sodomy, which may appear enticing at first, is nothing more than the way AIDS is most commonly spread. AIDS, if you can believe it, has killed more people in the United States than in World War II!

According to Pat Buchanan, one of the most trusted journalists in America, a survey of obituaries in gay newspapers found the average age of those dying of AIDS was 39 and for the rest of the homosexuals it was 42. Homosexuality kills!

That is why we must stop gay marriage from becoming the norm. We must stand up and fight the culture of moral decay and decadency and promote a healthy, loving and tolerant Christian lifestyle. There’s no room in this country for any other way of thinking if we want to save our children.

(The Rev. Colson Crosslick is pastor of the Pretty Good Shepherd Church in Ripsaw, Arkansas. In the past, he has called for a ban of Gay Pride Week. He also writes the regularly appearing column Under God's Right Arm for DaRK PaRTY.)