A bit of everything

Am I autistic? Part 2

I asked the Facebook people on We Aten’t Dead. Although this is a Discworld fan group we’re allowed to go off-topic about anything apart from religion or politics, and it has turned out to be the best group I’ve ever been in. They’re brilliant at dealing with anything, and they gave me names of loads of great blogs and books to read. For a start there’s Samantha Craft’s checklist. It’s from a blog that’s now been retired but I’m all over it because she’s met many, many Aspie girls and put together her own version of how it presents in women. According to this I’m a walking bunch of clichés. Most of the stuff I do that’s not normal but I couldn’t stop is on this list. Here’s some highlights.

‘A prolific writer drawn to poetry.’

I’ve got a blog called ‘geekscribblings’ for goodness sake which, understandably, not many people read but which I add to anyway! Never got on with poetry though. Can’t figure it out.

‘*Highly intelligent.’

Hope so! You’re making me blush, Samantha.

‘Analyzes existence, the meaning of life, and everything, continually.’

So people don’t normally do this outside the influence of drugs?

‘Serious and matter-of-fact in nature.’

‘That was a joke, Karen’ said most of my friends at some point.

‘Everything is complex.’

Well it is! The trouble comes when the media pretends it isn’t. #$!@ing Brexit…

‘Often gets lost in own thoughts and “checks out” (blank stare).’

Had a hand waved in my face a few times.

‘Naïve, honest, experiences trouble with lying.’

People say that like it’s a bad thing.

‘Finds it difficult to understand manipulation and disloyalty.’

Had those explained a few times.

‘Easily fooled and conned.’

My own mother is a wind-up merchant and even though I never catch on she keeps doing it!!

‘Feelings of confusion and being overwhelmed.’

This is probably why I never get anything done.

‘Feelings of being misplaced and/or from another planet.’

Feeling this hard.

‘Survives overwhelming emotions and senses by escaping in thought or action.’

‘Hello in there!’ they say as they wave at me.

‘Escapes regularly through fixations, obsessions, and over-interest in subjects.’

Exhibit A: this blog. A friend of mine: ‘I love your Discworld sewing. Worrying about the labels is a bit geeky though.’

‘Questions the actions and behaviors of self and others, continually.’

I think I insulted a 9-year-old yesterday. Twice. Spent all day thinking about it.

‘Trained self in social interactions through readings and studying of other people.’

Big Fun Book of Social Interaction.

‘Visualizes and practices how she will act around others, practices/rehearses in mind what she will say to another before entering the room.’

See above.

‘Difficulty filtering out background noise when talking to others.’

So it wasn’t just noisy?

‘Sense of humor sometimes seems quirky, odd, inappropriate, or different from others.’

Ha ha ha ha ha. Said no-one.

‘As a child it was hard to know when it was her turn to talk.’

Got told off for talking too soon. Couldn’t get back in before they changed the subject.

‘Feels extreme relief when she doesn’t have to go anywhere, talk to anyone, answer calls, or leave the house but at the same time will often harbor guilt for “hibernating” and not doing “what everyone else is doing”.’

‘Has a hard time finding certain objects in the house but remembers with exact clarity where other objects are; not being able to locate something or thinking about locating something can cause feelings of intense anxiety (object permanence challenges) (even with something as simple as opening an envelope).’

Other people don’t get pissed off with losing things?

So that’s the checklist. One reason I lose friends is they might say ‘ring me up sometime.’ If I actually ring you up sometime you’d better be damn sure I want to know you, cos it probably took 2-3 evenings of mental preparation. What time is polite? What if they’re doing something important? What do I say? It winds me up that they’ll give me the responsibility of remembering to ring and drop you if you don’t, even though they never tried to ring me and wouldn’t have the associated baggage doing it!

So that just leaves my mother. She doesn’t believe I might be autistic in any way, perhaps because she has some of these traits herself! ‘You’re not autistic, you just think differently.’ Yes. That’s literally what it is!