People never fail to disappoint you. It can be your closest friend, your family, your partner, sometimes even the person you look up to. It can be anybody. And sometimes people fail to encourage you, fail to pat you on the back and say you’re doing fine. Somedays you’re on your own. Come to think of it, you’re always on your own. You’re your own journey. You decide what you want to do with your life. Sure, there are people whose opinions are needed, maybe you even owe them a lot. But in the end, it’s you. You’re the one who decide whether you’re going to stay content with your decisions in life. You can’t blame your mother, your kids, your partner for all the life decisions YOU made in your life. I think you always have choices. You choose who you want to be with. You choose what you want to be in life. You choose where you want to go in life. The only thing is how you handle the consequences of your decisions. And in my opinion if you’ve decided with your own will, you will find strength to be content with your decisions. It will be worth it.

I like to call myself an artist, but I’m not quite sure if I deserve to call myself that. Like this very moment, if you were to ask me to create something, I cannot think of anything. Right now, I am simply an uninspired, inept person. Do I feel like I should be creating something? Yes, I do, but I’m just staring at my Mac Pro, writing these confessions of an idle artist.

Maybe, hopefully, this is just a fresh college graduate phase. It actually worries me even more because I should be pumped up to start a career. Career. I hate that word. It sounds like a lifetime of busy schedules and meetings. I don’t want that. I want to create. But thats not happening either. Well, atleast not at the moment.

I took a walk at the park in the morning. I don’t do that, but I needed that. I was hoping to be alone, but the middle school kids came rushing! Maybe I will go earlier in the morning tomorrow. See what it has to offer. And I will find it. I hate being like this. Its probably one of the worst feelings, being an unproductive artist.

After years of beating around the bush and not answering the question that everyone asks of me when I tell them about my boyfriend, I think it’s time to let the world know exactly what being in long distance relationship feels like.

1. Long distance feels like Taylor Swift writing a song about missing Harry Styles when he’s in London. “Come back, be here.”

2. Long distance feels like spending days trying to fill up your time, waiting until you see each other again.

3. Long distance feels like wanting to call, but not picking up the phone because you don’t know what to expect when he answers.

4. Long distance feels like answering the call, but stumbling over words as they travel over each mile separating you.

5. Long distance feels like a cold hand, a jealous eye, a nervous stomach.

There’s something magical about them. I think it’s that they evoke memories in a way that pristine megapixeled shots never really do. Memories are hazy, dream-like; Polaroid shots give me that same sensation.

But also, it might be because it’s evident that a polaroid photo will not last forever. The image will fade, just like the memory. Its transience brings it fleeting yet urgent importance, and knowing it will be gone makes me want to savour it more.

I want to be all the things.

If I am given a space to simply breathe and be completely honest then that’s the truth I choose to share: I want to be all the things.

I want to be a friend. I want to be a good friend. I want to be a best friend to every little human I encounter. I want to be a sister. A daughter. A girlfriend. A wife.

I want to be the person who gets called at two in the morning. I want to be the one who shows up at the door with coffee and a heart that is just ready and amped for whatever truth you want to let sit square in the middle of the kitchen table. I want to take people as they are. I want to hold people as they come.

I miss fighting for people. I want to meet someone, and take a leap of faith, and fall in love. I want to love someone with all my heart, and not feel the need to apologize for it. I want us to lock stares across a room, meet in the middle, and say we’ve found it.

I’m saying this because for the first time in my life, I’m holding on. I am in one country, currently studying abroad, and he is on the other side of the world. When I go home, we won’t be living side-by-side. We will still be on opposite sides of the country, albeit that at least this time it’s the same country. So many people think it’s strange that I want to fight for someone who I can in no logical way be with. But I’ll be damned if I’m not going to try.