Thursday, August 23, 2012

La bohème, Act I

[Reposted from Snark & Son, Inc.][Act I: A shitty attic in the shittiest part of Paris. Christmas Eve.]Marcello: I'M A FUCKING TERRIBLE PAINTERRodolfo: I'M A FUCKING TERRIBLE WRITERBoth: Boy, it sure sucks to be poor, freezing, and starving.The Audience: THEN GET A GODDAMN JOBMarcello: Whatever. We're not that desperate.Rodolfo: Hey, soooo it's the middle of winter and we have no more fuel for our stove. Do you think this might be a problem?Marcello: Definitely. It's colder in here than in that bitch Musetta's heart.Rodolfo: Solid exposition, bro.Marcello: Totes. Bros before hoes?Rodolfo: You know it. But seriously, though, we might freeze to death.Marcello: LET'S SET THE CHAIR ON FIRERodolfo: You're a moron. Our art will keep us warm!The Audience: grumble grumble hipsters grumble grumbleMarcello: LET'S SET MY PAINTING ON FIRERodolfo: No, that would make too much smoke. After all, few things are more important than a healthy respiratory system. Let's burn my play instead!Marcello: You mean the play you've been working on non-stop for the past six months?Rodolfo: Yuuuuup.Marcello: And you want to throw all of that away for a few minutes of warmth?Rodolfo: I fail to see the problem.The Audience: Aaaaaand this is why you're broke, jackasses.[Marcello and Rodolfo feed the play into the stove. Enter Colline, a pretentious philosopher with an admittedly kickass coat.]Colline: Verily, it's cold as balls in here.Rodolfo: Fuck yourself.[Colline joins the others at the fire, which quickly burns out. Marcello and Rodolfo consider slitting Colline open like a tauntaun and huddling inside his carcass for warmth. Enter Schaunard with food, booze, firewood, and money; he's the musician of the group, so of course he's the most successful.]The Musicians in the Audience: HA HA OH YEAH THAT'S DEFINITELY HOW THE WORLD WORKSEveryone Else: Isn't he the drag queen in Rent?Schaunard: Oh man you guys so this old British asshole hired me to play for him until this other guy's parrot died so then I played for a while and then I was all like "fuck this" and I broke into the parrot guy's apartment and banged the chambermaid because I'm TOTALLY NOT GAY and then I murdered the parrot and the British guy paid me and it was LEGEN -- wait for it --Marcello: Cool story, bro.Rodolfo: Yeah, it's riveting. Pass the turkey?Colline: om nom nom nom nomSchaunard: -- DARY. LEGENDARY.Crickets: chirp chirpSchaunard: Oh, you can all go to hell. And stop eating all my food!No One:[pays any attention to Schaunard]Schaunard: But guuuuuuuys, it's Christmas Eeeeeeeve and I wanna go oooouuutMarcello: Fine, we'll go out, but only if you SHUT UP.Schaunard: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay[There's a knock on the door.]Benoit: Sooooo hey, you guys, you haven't paid any rent in several months and it's beginning to piss me off.Colline: NO ONE'S HOMEBenoit: Yeah that's not actually gonna work.Marcello: ALSO WE HAVE LOCKED THE DOORBenoit: I have a spare key and can let myself into your apartment literally any time I want. You guys really haven't thought this through, have you.Marcello: ...fuck.[They let him in.]Benoit: But seriously, give me my fucking money before I'm forced to cut you in the face like a Cockney whore.Marcello: Hey, man, be cool. Captain ADHD over there just got paid --Schaunard: Rude.Marcello: -- so we've got all the money we owe you right here. Care for a drink?Benoit: Don't mind if I do![Sixteen measures later:]Benoit: HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS I'M SO DRUNKMarcello: Sooooooo is there any incriminating personal information you'd like to share with us?Benoit: Well, now that you mention it, I love me some fat chicks.Rodolfo: Go on...Benoit: Yeah, they're dynamite in the sack because they have no self-respect. Skinny bitches be trippin' balls, though. Like my wife!Everyone: SOMETHING SOMETHING MORAL OUTRAGEBenoit: Wait, what?Everyone: GTFOBenoit: But I thought we were broooooooooos[They throw him the hell out.]Marcello: So now that we've blackmailed our landlord, we never have to pay rent again!Everyone: WOOOOOOThe Audience:[starts considering blackmail as as a viable solution to financial problems]Schaunard: Now let's go get hammered!Rodolfo: You guys go ahead; I have to finish an article for some newsletter you've never heard of.Marcello: Sure you do. There's lotion and Kleenex in the cabinet; don't take too long.Rodolfo: I hate you so much.[Marcello, Schaunard, and Colline leave the apartment and promptly fall down the stairs.]Rodolfo: KARMA, BITCHESColline: ...my spleen...[There's yet another knock at the door.]Rodolfo: Oh, for fuck's sake. Who is it now?Mimi: Hey, it's your hot and totally single downstairs neighbor. My candle just went out -- got a light?Rodolfo: You only have one candle? And no matches?Mimi: You don't understand how this whole "flirting" thing works, do you.Rodolfo: Nnnnnnnope.The Audience:[facepalm]Mimi:[falls over]Rodolfo: OH NO ARE YOU OKAYMimi: Yeah, I'm just tired out from the stairs. There's nothing wrong with my health, though. Nothing at all.Puccini: DID YOU GUYS GET MY FORESHADOWING99% of the Audience: YES WE GET IT SHUT UPThe Other 1%: I think those two crazy kids are gonna be alllll right!Rodolfo: So I lit your candle and stuff. Why are you still here?Mimi: Jesus Christ, I have to do everything myself. OH NO I DROPPED MY KEY AND IT WAS TOTALLY AN ACCIDENTRodolfo: Oh no!Mimi: AND MY CANDLE HAS GONE OUT AGAINRodolfo:[finally realizes what's going on] Ohhhhhhhhh.The Audience: Christ, you're a moron.Rodolfo: AND NOW MY CANDLE HAS ALSO GONE OUTMimi: WE'RE ALONE IN THE DARK TOGETHERRodolfo: WHATEVER SHALL WE DOThe Audience: OH JUST BONE ALREADYRodolfo: Oh hey, your hand is super cold. I know just how to warm you up: an aria!Mimi: Oh joy.Rodolfo: I'm a poet and I'm broke as fuckBut if I had a million dollarsI'd buy your loooove'Cause hey baby you so fineYou so fine you blow my mindAnd when I get that feelin'I want sexual healin'Oh and by the way, what's your name?Mimi: Wellllll my name's Lucia but everyone calls me Mimi because why the fuck not. Mostly I just sit alone in my apartment and wish I had a studly poet to have sex with. And also I embroider flowers sometimes and CAN WE MAKE OUT YETMarcello, Schaunard, and Colline:[outside in the street] NNNNOPEMimi: ...goddammit.Marcello: COME ON RODOLFO AREN'T YOU DONE JERKING IT YETRodolfo: SHUT UP GUYS I HAVE A LADY OVERSchaunard: BLOW-UP DOLLS DON'T COUNTRodolfo: WILL YOU ASSHOLES GO AWAY AND STOP COCKBLOCKING MEMarcello, Schaunard, and Colline: Fiiiiiiine.[They leave.]Rodolfo: So, where were we?Mimi: Wellllll I've been throwing myself at you for the past ten minutes, but now I think I'm just gonna be super coy.Rodolfo: But I wanna get laaaaaaaidMimi: Nope. We're gonna go out with your friends instead.Rodolfo: And then we can make the sex when we get back?Mimi: Yeah sure whatever.Rodolfo: Say you love me!The Audience: Whoa there, crazy. Slow your roll.Mimi: I love you SO MUCHThe Audience: Wait, what? Did he just hypnotize her or something?Rodolfo and Mimi: WE WILL LOVE EACH OTHER FOREVERThe Audience: YOU'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE[End of Act I.]Next installment: Act II