A new book written by a former servant of the British royal family reveals that the line to the throne is fraught with secrecy, painfully rigid decorum, and sort of adorable nuttiness. We should have been tipped off to this by their taste in hats.

The Daily Mailpublished some choice excerpts from the pages of the book, called Not in Front of the Corgis!, and it tells tales of toilets and skintight breeches and uses phrases like the following:

Unfortunately, the noise of the cistern could be heard from the nearest seats, so engineers were summoned to drain the offending water and replace it with straw, which proved silent.

In addition to learning that the Queen hates it when people can hear her pee, we learn that Prince Charles has never undressed himself and has his shoelaces ironed, servants are allowed to swim in Buckingham Palace's pool provided no royals are swimming at the time, and that the Queen has one servant who specifically places a black blotting paper on her desk every day so that no one can read what she's been writing by examining the indentations left on her pad.

Working on the household staff is not all royal ass-kissing/wiping/undressing; Buckingham Palace has a reputation of being one of the most hospitable places to stay in the world, thanks to the guest-pleasing efforts of staff. When the President and First Lady visited, the household staff found out their favorite brand, thickness, and softness of toilet paper and stocked their bathroom with it. (I guess that sort of also has to do with the ass-kissing.)

Clearly, this entire piece is best read aloud in your most outrageous and terrible approximation of an English accent.