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Saints win in the bag, Magic 8-ball says

The Star’s NFL prognosticator, the Magic 8-ball, has been tailgating since Tuesday and has only swung by the office to grab a shower.

He looks awful.

“There’s something stuck on you. I think it’s a flyer,” I say.

The 8-ball starts spinning around, like a dog chasing his tail. He gets dizzy pretty quickly and has to lie down. He closes his eyes and begins absently swiping at whatever it is.

“No. No. On the other side. And there’s another thing. And something right there. Have you been sleeping in a park?”

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The 8-ball rolls over and passes out.

A couple of hours later, he’s back up and looking around for his hibachi. He’s absolutely sure he was carrying it when he walked in. And, hey, he had 15 pounds of ribs wrapped up in a newspaper. He was saving those for Sunday.

“You know, it’s not technically ‘tailgating’ if you do it in a bar.”

“Very doubtful,” says the 8-ball, who is now trying to surreptitiously paw my bag over toward his side of the desk where he can root through it.

“Are you going to be rooting for the Bills?” I ask, planting my foot on the bag.

“Don’t count on it,” says the 8-ball.

“See, this is exactly the sort of thing George Wilson was complaining about. How can it be a home game if you won’t root for the home team? So you’re pulling for the Skins?”

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“My reply is no,” says the 8-ball.

“I’m confused. You’re not rooting for either team? Who are you rooting for?”

The 8-ball pulls out a copy of the Star and points at New England.

“New England’s not playing here. Like, ever.”

The 8-ball shrugs, staggers to his feet and swans out of the newsroom. I only notice that my bag is gone as I’m leaving work.

Later, I’ll get a call from Mrs. 8-ball. Apparently, he does this every week.

New Orleans @ St. Louis (1 p.m.)

8-ball says, “It is certain.”

After enjoying their ride in the World Series for what seems like eight years, the fear is spreading in St. Louis. America’s ur-sports town is now stuck with only one clunker in action, and facing a Saints squad that just put a historic beating on Indianapolis. Don’t worry, St. Louis. We’re sure Tony La Russa will be doing Nobel-winning work on the human genome or some other genius-y thing in the next few months that you can feel good about. Saints 35-17

Jacksonville @ Houston (1 p.m.)

8-ball says, “Outlook not so good.”

The Jags were able to slug with the offence-lite Ravens on Monday night. Here’s a very different beast. With Adrian Foster hotting up and Andre Johnson returning, that gives Houston two questions for which Jacksonville has no answers. Houston 30-20

Arizona @ Baltimore (1 p.m.)

8-ball says, “Without a doubt.”

One must always pity the team who has to go to Baltimore . . . that was the end of the sentence. Worse yet, going to Baltimore the week after the Ravens have been embarrassed on Monday Night Football by inferior opposition. Were the Cardinals a sturdier team, we might tap the upset, but they cannot compete physically with this Baltimore squad after they’ve had a stick planted in their eye. Ravens 20-17

Indianapolis @ Tennessee (1 p.m.)

8-ball says, “Don’t count on it.”

Even Peyton Manning looks forlorn these days, and he’s the Zig Ziglar of pro football. Odds suggest that the Colts have to win some time, but the collective gut of all the people who’ve watched this team flail away for the last couple of months suggests that that time may be in the 2012-13 season. The only really foolish thing they could do now is insert Manning into this mess. Titans 30-19

Minnesota @ Carolina (1 p.m.)

8-ball says, “You may rely on it.”

Cam Newton’s rookie season should not be written with ink, but rather on stone tablets. His legend continues to grow against another capable debutant in the Vikings’ Christian Ponder. Panthers 27-20

Miami @ N.Y. Giants (1 p.m.)

8-ball says, “Very doubtful.”

Tony Sparano, football coaching zombie. You hit him with loss after loss after loss, but he keeps staggering forward. Last week, Tim Tebow nails him with the whole “The power of Christ compels you!” routine in overtime, and he still keeps coming. Aim for the head, New York! You have to get him in the head! Giants 35-20

Detroit @ Denver (4:05 p.m.)

8-ball says, “Signs point to yes.”

One down, four miracles to go. They say the Pope will be watching. Detroit has been slowly shrinking in stature as their offence goes on mid-season hiatus. Denver 21-20

Washington @ Buffalo (4:05 p.m.)

8-ball says, “Most likely.”

The Bills have yet to win a regular-season game in Toronto, which may explain some of their animus toward the city. It might be pointed out that over the same stretch, they regularly failed to win anything anywhere. However, against a team now reduced to fielding a vaguely ambulatory blow-up doll at quarterback, that sad record should come to an end. Toronto fans, remember that you’re cheering for the guys in blue. Bills 28-24

Cincinnati @ Seattle (4:15 p.m.)

8-ball says, “Yes.”

Cincinnati’s standing around going, “A game? We have a game this week? But we’ve spent the last 10 days celebrating the Carson Palmer trade.” It already looks like the Bengals have won the off-season. Good news for them — they can still win the regular season as well. This is that rare season-defining mid-campaign switch that substantially added by subtraction. Bengals 20-14

New England @ Pittsburgh (4:15 p.m.)

8-ball says, “You may rely on it.”

What does Bill Belichick do down there in the Patriots laboratory? I mean, besides wear a lab coat made out of torn-up, 20-year-old sweatshirts. Whatever it is, it rarely fails him after a bye week. Patriots 38-31

Cleveland @ San Francisco (4: 15 p.m.)

8-ball says, “Outlook good.”

It’s beginning to dawn on all of us that we could wake up in January and find the 49ers in the NFC championship game. Oh, parity, you destroyer of pre-season reputations. A win Sunday puts San Fran four games up in the division. Their nine remaining opponents have a combined record of 20-35. No team, including Green Bay, is better placed for the post-season right now. 49ers 27-13

Dallas @ Philadelphia (8:20 p.m.)

8-ball says, “Better not tell you now.”

Maybe Jerry Jones is right — they should start holding the Super Bowl at Cowboys Stadium every year. That way, it will always be a neutral venue for both finalists. After early stumbles, Philadelphia’s reclamation project is well under way. It gathers impetus this weekend.

Eagles 31-27

San Diego @ Kansas City (8:30 p.m., Monday)

8-ball says, “Most likely.”

The Chargers are the Snufalufagus of the NFL. Every time you make plans to watch them in a big game, they disappear. Kansas City doesn’t qualify as elite competition, but they’re rolling. They’ve won three in a row beating up on lesser teams (the Vikings, Colts and discombobulated Raiders). This is the sort of statement victory the Chargers need if they want to be taken seriously. San Diego 28-27

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