Dear BJP, I Also Hate Intellectuals. PFA My Job Application

Please hire me, good folks of BJP. Just like your leaders, I also believe all intellectuals should be shot, that lynching victims are responsible for the violence that is committed on them, and I have completed a basic course in photoshop. I use my power online to ensure that any form of critical reasoning is sent to Pakistan.

T

o the HR Department,

Bharatiya Janta Party,

Dear Sir/Madam,

After reviewing headlines for the last week or so, it has come to my attention that my current job – working for a bunch of librandus – is a giant scam that I no longer want to be a part of. I, instead, wish to join the ranks of the BJP, preferably in the office of Computer Baba, so I can continue my freelance work of creating poorly photoshopped images of Ravish Kumar holding meetings with Kim Jong-un.

You’ll find enclosed my wholly unimpressive CV, which should prove that I’m as far from being an intellectual as possible: I failed the ninth grade three times because I was too busy throwing stones at the JNU campus. For this failure alone, I hate intellectuals from the bottom of my heart. I don’t talk about it much, but since Karnataka MLA Basanagouda Patil Yatnal brought it up first, I feel proud to say I was actually the first person to “shoot an intellectual” – with my Micromax camera, when I created a video of a JNU student praising Chairman Mao for my blog.

My patriotism cannot be questioned at this point because I’m a pure-veg upper-caste Hindu who has just finished reading three articles about Kashmiri Pandits… well just the headlines, but any WhatsApp message will tell you that’s the important part. Now I’m only a couple of inappropriate tweets away from being followed by senior BJP leaders, so Jai Hind. These days I use my power online to ensure that any form of critical reasoning is sent to Pakistan. This is the best move by you, in my opinion, since I can’t think of a country more in need of a million or so intellectuals and atheists than Pakistan.

I would like to share a little anecdote about my life that I think you’ll find appropriate for this purpose: A friend and I were once on holiday in Kashmir when we saw a man place a piece of cardboard against an army outpost. Upon further inspection we discovered that the sign read “Don’t spit on the walls”. Immediately I sensed that something was wrong, and my friend and I both ran to the police station. “Someone is raising a slogan against the army,” we told the police officer, and he thanked us by letting us hold his rubber bullet gun.

You see, my ideology is aligned with the BJP’s in almost all ways. Your ministers want to remove the word secular from the Constitution, and I remove sickulars from my social media feed all the time. You’ll find enclosed my op-ed in my Right Wing web journal where I claim the word “secular” actually has roots in that Christian language and is responsible for 900 out of 901 communal riots, according to statistics I gathered after 30 minutes of research on Paresh Rawal’s Twitter account. He’s a celebrity, so I figure there’s no way he got the numbers wrong.

Besides my ability to twist facts, I too am very good at garlanding the wrong people, like your minister Jayant Sinha. At my wedding they told me, “That’s a cow, not your girlfriend!” but I didn’t listen to them (because they all work for paid news, lol), and went ahead and put the garland around gau mata. It was very funny at the time, and I have now officially been married to a cow for four years, but I have a few regrets. I milk her for my meals, and for all my future political decisions. Your good folks at the BJP know what I’m talking about.

I’m honestly most outraged at the FAKE NEWS claiming that Prime Minister Narendra Modi is encouraging “the fringe”. His hairstyle is more male pattern baldness, in my opinion. It’s time to put an end to such propaganda.

Also Hindu genes are, meanwhile, what we should be promoting in future generations. As Surendra Singh, BJP MLA from Uttar Pradesh, has pointed out: “Hindus must produce at least five children (read: male children) to keep India strong and Hindutva intact.” Amazing idea sir, this will buy us time until we finally create that Artificial Intelligence whose only purpose is to harass minorities, so all good Hindu men can spend time focussing on what’s really important, like Salman Khan movies.

The honest truth is that I want to work at your organisation because I feel all your leaders are arguably the best stand-up comedians in this country. Screw TVF and AIB, the only true comedy troupe is the BJP. If I had any doubts about him being the best, they were reversed after the PM’s recent set in Parliament, which made Jerry Seinfeld seem like a class clown. I especially loved the joke where he accused Congress of doing a scam – for those who didn’t get it, it was a callback to the 96 million times he accused them of doing a scam. Still as funny as it was on the first day.

Anyway, so that’s my life. When I’m not paying all my taxes, my hobbies include woefully admiring pictures of ancient mandirs and playing “whatabout-whatabout” with my friends and family. I hope you will have no beef with my application and will consider it with positivity.