26.8.12

Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards passed away earlier this morning. The cause of death is still unknown, although a copy of the coroners report obtained by A.P. stated the probably cause of death as ‘Natural Causes’.

An interview with Stones drummer Charlie Watts at his Yorkshire home yesterday yielded the following quote: “Natural causes? Naturally speaking, Keith bloody died 25 years ago! The man was a **expletive** vampire! Somebody must have finally put garlic in his **expletive** methadone!”

Keith Richards was born in 1943. He studied music in his youth, playing both the french horn and piccolo in his schools orchestra and held a strong passion for classical chamber music. He also had an unrelenting desire to be a ballet dancer, but never achieved a desirable height to pursue dancing earnestly. This love of high culture continued into his early adolescents until one night at a local party, fate intervened...

Although the young Richards had always abstained from drugs and drink, he succumbed to peer pressure when a friend dared him to drink his first double scotch. That friend was none other than Mick Jagger.
“Keith was a flipping fop till I met him that night!” Jagger would later comment in an interview, “not only that, but I think that you’re the coolest guy in the world! Everybody who was mean to the guy when he was in school should kiss his bloody ass now!"

Richard’s funeral will be privately held tomorrow at an undisclosed location with services starting at 10AM. No press, public or Rolling Stones fans will be admitted as family members have given strict instructions that the location of the service be held confidentially in accordance with Mr. Richards will. MTV will be showing a special memorial on Monday.

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