This is why every programme on CBeebies is bollocks

Don’t get me wrong – CBeebies is just about the only thing that is worth paying a licence fee for, just because the entire output is some sort of juvenile opium.

However, with two children in the channel’s key target demographic, I can’t help but notice that the majority of programmes on there are complete and utter bollocks. Hey Duggee is naturally exempt from this.

1 – In The Night Garden

Just admit it – you all wanted to be in Teletubbies and failed miserably. More to the point, it is a called a ‘Night Garden’ and it is always bloody daylight, and the Pontipine residence is a prime candidate for a visit from the social due to overcrowding concerns – they could even clobber the Wattingers next door and kill two birds with one stone.

Making Makka Pakka Asian just to tick the ‘diversity’ box is clumsy as well. Sort it out.

2 – Topsy and Tim

If those children are of pre-school age, I’m a monkey’s uncle. Why don’t they just lose the memory game at the end and squeeze in an extra sixty seconds of mummy dreaming of running off with Max Branning again.

Oh no, something sad has happened, let’s slow down the main theme tune and adjust the key ever so slightly.

3 – Justin’s House

It’s clearly a studio for starters – nobody’s house has a grandstand full of hyperactive toddlers. I’m also pretty certain that the creators of Red Dwarf have a pretty strong case about Robert The Robot – add a groin hoover attachment and they would be indistinguishable from one another.

4 – Postman Pat

Let me make this clear – YOU DESTROYED POSTMAN PAT AND SHOULD HANG YOUR HEADS. Special Delivery Service? Helicopter? What happened to the good old days of juddery plasticine animation and that tangible sexual tension between Pat and Mrs Goggins? FOR SHAME.

If there was a shred of realism in it now, most episodes would consist of Pat knocking on someone’s door with a package, waiting the obligatory three seconds, scrawling ‘hjgkfldhgufdklshjklgfhdsjklhuogfldsgres’ on a ‘Sorry You Were Out Card’ and sprinting away faster than Linford Christie in 1992.

5 – Twirlywoos

If those bastards had an ounce of humanity in them, they would take Peek-A-Boo with them when they go off on their adventures. Instead, they pretend to ignore him and keep him as some sort of domestic slave on their seabound vessel.

Furthermore, the Very Important Lady is of ‘mild significance’ at best, and the Stop Go Car might as well just be named the ‘Car’ as the rest of the name is clearly superfluous.

6 – Bing

Would it really upset people if I admitted that I would rather spend 30 minutes of my life tapping a glass with a teaspoon and hearing that sort of ‘Bing’ instead? I often tune in just to find out who or what has been splatted to death this week.

I have never witnessed such a regular onslaught of depressing agony in my entire life. The sooner that Microsoft’s search engine gets their lawyers onto them for copyright infringement the better.

7 – Go Jetters

If the Go Jetters had any sort of ambition they would have bumped off Grandmaster Glitch years ago – instead they have gone full ‘Inspector Gadget’ and all they now need is ol’ Glitchy finishing every episode by stroking a cat and proclaiming that he will get them ‘next time.’

8 – Old Jack’s Boat

Get him to tell all the sweet little stories that you want, but we all know deep down that he is still Great Uncle Bulgaria. How are any parents supposed to take the series seriously when the ice cream stand is run by the sexual deviant from Benidorm?

9 – Show Me, Show Me

Let’s get straight to the point mate. You DID say ‘Fluttering C**t’ in that episode, and everyone would respect you a lot more if you just admitted it.

10 – Hey Duggee

OK I know I promised not to, but Stick Stick Stick Stick Sticky Sticky Stick Stick that song right up your ‘Arris.

It’s clear that drastic changes are needed at the Beeb in this department, and therefore I demand that the channel is replaced immediately by a continual loop of Bertha, Pigeon Street, Jimbo And The Jet Set, Penny Crayon and Mr Benn – this is the only way that children of today will grow up with any sense of decency.

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