June 25, 2001 (idea)

I haven't written a daylog in a while. My life has been in limbo, so there hasn't been much to say. My work has been laying people off left and right and I had been spending the past few weeks wondering if the girl I love will ever start to love me back.

Well today that is over. She wrote me a letter telling me directly and frankly that she was in love with someone else. While I appreciated her honesty, and while it finally gives me closure, I relived all of the horror and hell over again of the day she said she just wanted to slow things down and just be friends.

What's bad is she sent me this letter by email, and I read it on my palm pilot just as I got to the parking lot at work. TC (co-worker and awesome friend) took me aside and talked to me and calmed me down. I never trembled so much before. In the beginning, it didn't seem as bad as the first time. Later on it got much worse. I took the day off from work and went home.

I got drunk for the first time in my life. It was great, but it didn't last long. I actually was happy for what seemed like the first time in weeks. I couldn't shut up... I just kept talking. Then I woke up and I was back in hell again. I couldn't breathe. I paced back and forth. I couldn't stand anything. I wanted to break stuff.

I'm so tired of this. Can anything be worth this? At least it's over and it can't happen again anytime soon. I passed out and left all of it for further thought tomorrow.