Diary of a woman on the verge of becoming a healthy weight, and all the good stuff on the way there

8.29.2007

On Confidence

I read this article the other day. Yes, I read People. (I have an arrangement with a friend at work. She travels a lot, and when she returns, I get her People. Don't judge!) I loved that both of those women were so honest about their struggle with their weight. Old habits, trying to make new habits, and continually thinking about what you're going to eat, never letting your guard down. A reminder to me too, that I need to accept what my body does with extra (delicious) calories. Hint: Not melt away.What struck me about the article was how much they stopped living because of their weight. I'm proud to say that I never hid due to my weight. Certainly I made sure never to wear tank tops, and I wore cover-ups at the beach, and of course made use of baggy clothes to hide the gargantuan ass and hips I have been blessed with - you could serve drinks on them they are so wide - but I didn't stay away from what I loved. I didn't hide from life. I asked boys to dance, I acted in theater, appeared in lingerie onstage, I danced in clubs with girlfriends, and even placed a personal ad, all while being overweight. It must be different when you're a celebrity and evidence of your weight gain is in the public eye, with magazines creating pages of shots comparing you to your former self. I know these women have confidence, but were still crippled in some situations. I know that no one in my life will stop loving me if I gain all my weight back. But I still want to succeed on this journey, and I want to continue living in a body that I feel better about. And losing weight is such hard work, it is a source of pride for me to say I did it! One thing I am not proud of, is that I have strayed so far from the theater. When I found my (now) husband, Mr. Black, it was so exciting and all I wanted to do was spend time with him and our friends. Then wedding planning, get a new job, then wedding, honeymoon, buy a house, get a dog and I'm years away from the last show I ever did. And my confidence is waning. I am funny, I am a talented actress, but I feel I'm too heavy to cast. A woman in her early 30's - there are tons of those ladies around, so it's even harder to get cast. And then I felt rusty, and doubting my ability, and I got heavier, and oh boy. I know that when I lose weight, I'll feel like I could belong in a show again. I'll also have a body that doesn't sweat when she's under the lights for 30 seconds. Hurrah! Onward!