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Serious

Dancefight is a sign of unusual ambition

Dancefight is not an inherent ability, but something that must be learnt. But because that means to admit that they are not perfect, most royals don't bother to learn. Stanley, Wanda, Vinny, Charley or Jillian don't have such sentiments. This willingness to improve themselves is also a prerequisite to attune to an arkentool.
Stanley put effort into learning dancefight when he was infantry and was so successful that he was promoted to warlord.

Ansom knows how to Dancefight (or, rather, Dance, Dance, Revolution! Fight) and was unable to attune to the Arkenpliers. I don't think dancefighting shows a "willingness to improve oneself" that distinguishes those who can attune from those who cannot.--Wrecan 21:10, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

No, Dance, Dance, Revolution!-Fighting does not require the same willingness to improve oneself. Ansom was not able to lead his troops in dance-fighting until he was guided by the Archons. Typical for a noble, he found a shortcut to doing something that would otherwise require a willingness to learn and a commitment to practice. -- Yehonatan 19:34, 21 August 2009 (UTC)

Unusual exuberance, you mean. Wanda learned to dance-fight in Faq. But because there was no fighting before Jillian, and Faq was such a bubble kingdom, there was only one dance they learned... The YATTA! Dance. (Warning: The link should not be watched by the weak of stomach, or in the act of drinking.)--BarGamer 21:18, 15 May 2009 (UTC)

Decrypted and Upkeep

Decrypted "steal" upkeep from their original side. Thus, Ansom has no upkeep. However, if Wanda decrypts a Gobwin Knob unit, it has normal upkeep. Only the wielder of the ArkenPliers can disband Decrypted, making a Decrypted unit part of an economic warfare initiative.--BarGamer 18:24, 20 August 2009 (UTC)

Since Lady Sylvia is still kicking around for Gobwin Knob, and the Uniroyal side was destroyed with Queen Bea, this seems unlikely. --No one in particular

Perpetual Warfare is not natural to Erfworld

Rather than the tabletop rpg setting of constant combat that we see today, Erfworld REALLY started off like a time/resource management simulator, and all the sides were supposed to be racing to see who could create the most profitable society in the least amount of time. Somewhere in the distant past, one side got ahead of itself and kept claiming more cities than it could pay for, and was in danger of going bankrupt (and thus "losing" according to the original game) when it stumbled upon a hack that could save it... attacking other sides. Other sides heard the idea and started to copy it in part or in whole, more sides were forced to join in simply for self-defense, and with all the focus on making it through the war, all resources were turned to making warriors. Tens, possibly hundreds of thousands of turns later, we are at the Erfworld of today... no one even remembers the world's original intent, or that there even was a time when warfare wasn't an option. The only ones who even have an inkling are the Hippiemancers, who dream of a world without conflict... and Charlie, who is only in it for the shmuckers. --No one in particular

Alternate Types of Warfare

On the other hand, perhaps Erfworld was meant to be a testing ground for a different type of conflict. Instead of the straight Nation versus Nation conflict it currently is, or the economic arms race proposed previously, Erfworld was supposed to be about class warfare. Royals versus Commoners. The leadership bonus Royals get would have represented the claim to rule by birthright; faster leveling for education not available to commoners, and possibly a better diet. For balance, the Commoners were given a quicker pop-rate and the Arkentools. After all, of the three Tools seen, all have been attuned to non-royals. This would have been representative of the fact that although royalty leads, the commoners are the tool-users, the doers.

Considering that there's no birth in Erfworld and everyone is popped, that would make the Royals belief in their lineage-based divine mandate a... Populist movement? --No one in particular

Charlie is not a Thinkamancer

Charlie is, in fact, a moneymancer. All of his thinkamancy is provided by the Arkendish, rather than augmented and boosted by it. His single-minded pursuit of shmuckers is not just to pay for the upkeep for his Archons, but because they are the source of all his power instead of juice. All of this is, of course, a closely guarded secret. --No one in particular

Or rather, it's a closely guarded secret that every real Thinkamancer already knows. We see from LIAB Text 38 that Charlie is not part of the "close-knit fraternity of Thinkamancers" --Miment

In retrospect, thinking you could hide anything like that from the thinkamancers was a really, REALLY silly thing to think. To be fair though, I came up with it before the whole "Thinkamancy as CB radio" thing was mentioned. --No one in particular

Missing Gobwins

Charlie is, of course, behind the lack of local gobwins. His plan? To deprive Gobwin Knob of a unit that is very useful in a specific type of fight. To whit, tunnel fighting. Once Gobwin Knob loses its decrypted gobwins, through general skirmishes or targeted attacks, Charlie is going to swoop in from the one direction no one would expect the lord of the flying units, the king of the mountain top, the peak of the corporate pyramid to come from... beneath.

Then again, from what we've heard of Charlie's Corollaries, nothing might be beneath him. --No one in particular

Parson's Bonuses

Parson may give low leadership bonuses directly, but being the metagamer he is, his bonuses reflect that. Which is to say, rather than a straight +X bonus to HITS or +Y to DEFENSE, Parson gives a *% to experience. Units under his command learn faster. Just look at Wanda asking her commanders for possible battle plans! Jack's idea of "catching us as we fall"! Maybe it's not EXPERIENCE specifically, maybe it's an invisible thinkamancer stat, but Parson isn't additive, he's all about multipliers. --No one in particular

Portals Don't Kill People

Casters do.

The Magic Kingdom is the most perfectly defended position on Erf, more so than Gobwin Knob, Faq, even CharlesComm. No one knows where it is. It's in the middle of an ocean, allowing for no surprise attacks even if someone did know. The only means of approach is through Portal Park, which is an enormous choke point and constantly filled with more stacks of casters than you could shake a wand at. And most importantly... it has a reputation. "Any non-caster who goes through a Portal croaks." The way it's phrased makes it sound like it's the Portal doing the killing, in the same way that falling from high enough will croak anyone. Just natural shockamancy, or something. This alone keeps almost every single unit from trying to pass through the Portals.

The truth of the matter is that the casters, who are always keeping an eye on the Portals, are quick to act.

Remember, warlords and casters can naturally see unit stats. Just by looking at someone, they instantly know if they're a fellow caster or not. If they are, they are welcomed to the Magic Kingdom, and shown every hospitality. If not... they are hit with so much magic, three Dirtamancers are needed to re-landscape the park.

... but not Hamsters

So why wasn't Parson blasted? Because his stats are invisible! None of the casters present could understand why they couldn't tell what he was, so they held him there, awaiting word from those in charge of the Kingdom. Janis lied when she claimed him as a Hippiemancer, but it was the only way to ensure he would survive to end war on Erf, since who would dare dispute the word of a Grand Abbie about recognizing a fellow Hippiemancer? Once the Sizemore-Wanda-Maggie link-up was broken though, it was discovered that Parson was a Chief Warlord as well, and opinion turned against him. When they wake Parson up to send him home, the casters of the Magic Kingdom seem more disgusted and angry, rather than frightened and confused, which would be the natural reaction to someone stumbling through your perfect defense and not dropping dead. Simply, they felt betrayed. --No one in particular

Silly

Bad Acid

Ashna spiked Parson's Peeps with some bad acid. Parson's Klog #1 was RIGHT, this IS all a bad hallucinatory dream, a modern-day 'Wizard of Oz' or the more apt 'Alice in Wonderland,' complete with political commentary and bad puns. The trouble is, Parson doesn't get to escape and come back again before Book 2 comes out, because his RL body overdosed on it, or perhaps his immune system is just that weak, and he's in a permanent coma. (Or however long Jamie and Rob can ride this GravyTrain. XD)--BarGamer 21:18, 15 May 2009 (UTC)

Dreamscale time

To build on that, the entirety of book 1 might take place only within a few minutes of real time. Parson dreams very quickly.

Seems the other gamers also had some

One general problem with that theory is that the narrative regularly cuts away from Hamster, showing stuff he doesn't know about. For events within Erf, this could perhaps be explained away as the workings of his subconscious mental gamemaster; but in the last three panels of Erf-b1-p016, set entirely in Stupidworld, the gaming group witnesses and comments on Parson's disappearance.

Rejected Uncroaked Ansom

The authors have really let something slip, here. The Arkenplier's creature focus is not Uncroaked... But the entire Side of Transylvito, which Ansom clearly resembled with his glowing red eyes, black motif, and unhealthy-looking skin. In fact, that was one of the reasons why Vinny and, by association, Transylvito joined the Coalition: Even when not attuned, the bearer of the ArkenPliers can inspire feelings of Loyalty, Obedience, and Duty (LOaD) in Transylvito units. This is proved by Erf-b1-p042--BarGamer 21:18, 15 May 2009 (UTC)

I mean, Uncroaked are alright, but thinking, active Sides in your Alliance are something else, as proved by the Archon's similar LOaD to Charlie. In addition to being able to be popped like normal units, Transylvito units can also 'convert' others to their Side like Caesar Borgata threatened to do to Jillian in the last comic that he was featured in, by drinking the victim's blood, and making them drink Transylvito blood. If a unit is not Uncroaked, and another Transylvito unit is not nearby to assist in this, the ArkenPliers can do this directly by physically (Ansom's probable favored tactic)or Magically (Wanda's probable favored tactic) pulling on the victim's canines, making them longer.--BarGamer 21:18, 15 May 2009 (UTC)

Jillian and Stanley screwed up with fate

It was destined to collect all the arkentools in Faq. Jillian was the supposed wielder of the arkenhammer, and Stanley no more than a tool to bring it to her. Later she was supposed to find the arkenpliers and bring them to Wanda. The arkendish was supposed to go to Jack. A fourth known arkentool was reserved for the unnamed predictamancer of Faq.

Unfortunately Jillian was naughty and ignored an order to come home in the right time, thus condeming Faq and the predictamancer to obliteration. The arkenhammer felt that, became bored and choose Stanley as its wielder. --Welf von Ehrwald 16:32, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

Parson will escape to the Magic Kingdom

And once there, he will form a new side! And they will be composed entirely of hippiemancers! And they will proudly embrace the tuber-like appearance of their leader! Parson and his new side will be called... the Baked Potatoes! Prince Tremennis may be allowed to join, but only if he asks nicely.--No one in particular

Charlie is behind everything

And I do mean EVERYTHING. Every time Jaclyn offered free advice about who was under spells? That was on Charlie's command. Her death at Gobwin's Knob, so as to be oh-so-conveniently unavailable for free consultations later? A clever ploy on Charlie's part for total deniability. And these are just the obvious ones! It goes SO. MUCH. DEEPER.

That extra gem that the marbits found? Charlie knocked it loose.
The exorbitant price for the support plan for the "Summon Perfect Warlord" spell? Charlie named it.
The idea for the coalition in the first place? Charlie and some of his unmatched thinkamancy at work.
Stanley finding the Arkenhammer? Charlie set it up!
Parson only being able to get a crappy job at Kinko's? Charlie was a reference on his resume!
Jillian and her string of love interests? Charlie is her matchmaker!
Bogroll making pigeon pie? Charlie gave him the recipe!
And the greatest twist of all..? Charlie is actually none other than... Jack. That's right. The foolamancer has been playing the fool... and playing us ALL for fools. ---No one in particular

Parson really IS an eldritch abomination

The Summon Perfect Warlord spell failed. Critically. When Wanda cast it, she came up all 1s. This allowed a monstrosity from some unfathomable, unbearable dimension to access Erfworld, where it inserted itself. Just to have some fun with it, the abomination took the form of some random schlub from another dimension, similar in shape to the people of Erfworld but unmistakably different. And I do mean took. It literally stole the form of the person, reducing them to nothingness. Every inconvenience "Parson" has put up with, from obeying Stanley's orders, to not swearing, to not being able to cross hexes or ride mounts... has been an act. "Parson" is not bound by any such limitations. He has just been acting, lulling people into false assumptions and toying with them, so that when he utterly crushes them it will be all the more amusing. In the end, "Parson" will break Erfworld just as Janis hopes... since she is, after all, the head cultist who engineered his summoning. Charlie... Charlie may either be the real hero, guardian of Erfworld, he may be a fellow abomination who doesn't care for another showing up in his backyard, he may simply be another "face" of the abomination that is "Parson"... or he might just be doomed along with everyone else.

Sizemore will rule the world

Parson is going to have a brilliant idea, and round up all the yellow dwagons. Having them produce as much raw material as he can, he will then order Sizemore to start creating crap golems. For a while this will be all, and Gobwin Knob will have some fun with their new elite Acid Crap golems. But then... then either Parson or Sizemore will get bored and curious, and start experimenting. How small a golem can he make? Would tiny ones be good for spies and surveillance? After that, the obvious next step is... how big?

That's right.

Sizemore will conquer Erfworld, riding on the back of a giant, acid-crap Godzilla. ---No one in particular

Missing Gobwins... the remaining 8%

According to Parson's mathamantic guessing, Charlie is only 92% likely to be the agency behind the lack of Gobwins. So, what are the other possible agents?

2.3% - Wild dwagons are being attracted by Stanley's attuning to the Hammer, and one of the units they naturally prey on is... gobwins.

1.6% - The Marbits. With all the money they got while a part of the Alliance, they were able to increase their ranks more than ever before. Once the Alliance collapsed though, they were forced to return to mining to pay for their upkeep, and with such overwhelming competition the Gobwins were driven out of the area.

1.5% - There are no Gobwins left on Erf. They were all at the Knob when it exploded, and all died. Gobwins, as a unit, are extinct.

1.3% - The Hobgobwins are running a cunning plot to get the side renamed Hobgobwin Knob, and are keeping the regular Gobwins out until they can get enough leverage to pull it off.

0.7% - The Gobwins themselves. They can't respect a leader who's even shorter than they are, and, well... Stanley. So, they just packed up and left.

0.5% - Rogue gwiffons. The eternal war between the green and the yellow has shifted in power again, and plots within plots have been enacted. The megalogwiff casts a long shadow...

0.0000000000000001% - Easily missed in rounding errors, this is the possibility that Parson has been gaining move during the night and sleepwalking it all away by killing every single gobwin in a 40 hex radius. On the downside, this is costing the side natural allies. On the upside, Parson has been leveling up like crazy every night, and since no one can see his stats, they don't realize this. In the coming battle at Jetstone, Parson will be revealed to be an unstoppable killing machine.

Master of Guile

Jetstone is going to luck out and survive the current encounter SOMEHOW, because the luck that Ansom had during the march to Gobwin Knob is hereditary. However, they will have to start to rely more and more on Ace's accessories as they run lower and lower on raw manpower, and this will catch the eye of Parson, as so many gadgets will not be in the intel provided by Ansom or Ossomer. Once he finds out where they're getting all those wonderful toys, he will set about courting Ace to Gobwin Knob's side. It won't be easy, because Ace is feeling appreciated for the first time and is being allowed much greater creative freedom than he's ever had before. Parson will eventually win him over, though, first by subtly giving him little criticisms or new ideas, tiny things that in the long run won't actually help the war. He'll eventually start charging Ace for better ideas, or witholding them entirely, until Ace is desperate to talk to him again. After enough of this, Parson will mention that if Ace was on Gobwin Knob's side, why, they could discuss designs all the time...

The only thing I see holding Ace back at that point would be if Cubbins was still around. Then again, I bet Stanley would LOVE having a really big, fancy hat, so there could be a place for him as well! --No one in particular

What the Boop is an Erfworlder, Anyway?

They're certainly not mammals, they don't have warm blood or produce live offspring... so what are they?

Long answer: They are the results of horrible genetic melding and splicing by the Titans at the dawn of time, drawing on creatures from all across the breadth and width of reality. So many creatures and variations were used, in order to create the impossible... spiders large enough to be ridden, lizards with wings that can actually fly, things of fabric and stuffing that can move and attack... and men that do not bleed. From what evidence we can gather, all Erfworlders share two traits: they can recover completely from any injury if they do not croak, and they can only be croaked by external forces. Old age is not one of those forces. From this, we can draw the obvious conclusion: the primary animals used by the titans in all Erfworldian genetics were reptiles and sharks. The ability to regrow lost limbs? Just like the detachable tails of lizards! Only dying from violent force? They have never found a shark that died of old age! It's so obvious!

Short answer: They are lizard-sharks. And in cases like Wanda, sexy lizard-sharks with amazing fashion sense. --No one in particular

The only possible outcome

Janis, the Thinkamancers, and a surprisingly large majority of the inhabitants of the Magic Kingdom conspired to summon Parson to end the constant warfare, by breaking Erfworld.

The only one who has an inkling of their plans, and is trying to stop them, is Charlie.

Parson, for all his amazing tactical brilliance, would rather not cause the end of the world. He's for peace, sure, but not the peace of a twice-croaked piker. The hippiemancers disagree, and think that the answer, my friend, is dust in the wind. So..?

So Parson and Charlie WILL team up, albeit on Parson's terms (savagely negotiated by Charlie, though), to save the world.

With the help of a Godzilla-crap golem riding Sizemore, a jet-pack wearing Tramennis, and Bogroll, who has been hiding this entire time, helping the Gobwins mobilize against the Gwiffons. --No one in particular

Bogroll's not dead, he's just hiding!

How has this not been said already? Okay, here's how it plays out: Bogroll was actually a VERY high level twoll, being an absolute monster in battle, but had VERY low WIS or INT stats or something. An intangible stat, only considered by Thinkamancers, I don't know. Point is, he was a good fighter, but easy to fool, so a danger to his own side in any fight against a unit with even the most rudimentary foolamancy. Like, "No, really, I'm on your side and THAT'S the enemy" level foolamancy. Because of this, slightly more tactical minds (Wanda) advised Stanley to stick Bogroll on Garrison duty. And thus things stood, for who knows how many turns.

But then, Bogroll was made the lackey of Parson.

And one of the many, MANY strange, wonderful, impossible things that Parson brought to Erfworld was a leadership modifier that affected these intangible stats, most powerfully upon leveling up. (Future thinkamancers would call this bonus "Lateral Thinking," a phrase they attribute to an ancient foolamancer who disguised his wisdom in riddles and poetry)

The siege of Gobwin Knob proceeded. Running battles were won by running. The walls fell. A parley was called... and in the end, Bogroll leveled up. Twice.

The modifier, doubled upon itself, focused upon a unit who never had a point of view like any other in his race, already absurdly high leveled... it bestowed upon him a special ability never before achieved or even thought possible for his kind.

Bogroll was Erfworld's first natural Retconjurer.

Bogroll survived the fall from the tower, and in his moment of insight, realized that his race's natural ability of regeneration would only invite the hordes of Coalition to make sure that he was obliterated completely. So, using his newly gained abilities, he CHANGED things. He remade the Erf such that twolls never could regenerate, they could fabricate. He managed to sneak away by changing every encounter with Coalition units into a hazy memory of witnessing him being roasted by pretty much every caster unit in the courtyard.

And so, Bogroll survives to this day, his upkeep being paid unnoticed from the vast fortune of Gobwin Knob's vaults. It's unknown exactly what he's been up to... (it's hard to gather intelligence on an enemy who doesn't just change your memories of the past, but literallyCHANGES THE PAST) but there are rumors (gossip never paid heed to what happened or was seen) that Bogroll has been busy. VERY busy. Some say he's been rallying the gobwins. Some say he's been conquering Charlie's cities by making it so that he never had them to begin with.Some say he's realized how important some Units are to the future of Erfworld, and has taken steps to ensure their survival, like that mighty scion of scone, Duncan, or the twin ladies of thin ladles, those soup sisters, Firebaugh and Zamussels, or that most revered of Santas, the grandmaster of givers, the apex of accessories... Ace... Some say that Bogroll is dead.

Stanley's really a Tool

There may be four KNOWN arkentools, but Stanley is a fifth, UNKNOWN tool. Once Jillian touches him and attunes, the combined might of a FAQing Gobwin Knob will prove too much, and Charlie will just throw up his hands, disband all his Archons, and buy a little bungalow on the beach of the Magic Kingdom. --No one in particular