Jesus came to pardon our sins, but He also came to heal the brokenhearted so we can walk in freedom. Freedom from pain, guilt, shame, sin, and condemnation. By His wounds we are healed. May God continue to bless us on the path to complete restoration and healing in Him.

I’ve often heard it said
that the best defense is a great offense. That it’s better to be
proactive than reactive. Whatever cliché you want to use, it’s
almost universally understood that sitting on your hands is never an
option when it comes to defeating an enemy. I’ve been
studying boundaries recently and have been ministering with several
women concerning their husband’s boundaries or lack thereof. Most
women who have been wounded by sexual sin want to know what
boundaries their husband has set in place while at the same time
desperately trying not to control him. It’s a fine line and
sometimes we get so caught up in the what-when-and-hows that we lose
the significance of why boundaries are important. It’s
not about control at all. By definition, a boundary is “something
that indicates or fixes a limit or extent; a limit of a subject or
sphere of activity” (Merriam-Webster). Boundaries for
the man who is recovering from sexual addiction is this: a sign of
the limits set up or the extent of his changed behavior to avoid
continuing in sexual sin, a limit on the sphere of sexual sin.
There’s nothing wrong with that; in fact, it is essential in the
recovery process. For a wife, boundaries can help her
rebuild trust and ease her anxiety about her husband’s past sexual
acting out. Knowing that her husband is taking steps to remove
triggers from his daily routine will help her to tangibly see his
repentance. I’ve noticed in my marriage the importance
of boundaries, but I have also learned they’re not fail-proof. So
let’s dig in to why boundaries are vital to recovery, and why
they’re not enough.

Boundaries are a good and
healthy way to help us all stay on track. No matter what we’re
trying to overcome. If I’m addicted to food and
struggling to lose weight, should I stock my cabinets with chocolate
covered pretzels (my favorite!) and chips? No. That would be
counterproductive. If I’m a recovering drug addict,
would it be wise to roam the streets in the same neighborhoods I once
scored my stash? No. That’s just asking for trouble. In
the same way, a man recovering from sexual addiction needs to set up
boundaries that can help him behaviorally as he works on finding
healing and strength spiritually. If a man is recovering
from an addiction to internet pornography, he will need to set up
boundaries and accountability with his computer usage—installing a
good internet filter, keeping the computer in a central, open area of
the house, not using the computer when home alone, being purposeful
in getting online at home and at work, sharing internet history with
his wife and accountability partners—these are all great physical
defenses in the spiritual battle against sexual temptation. If a man
is recovering from an addiction to picking up prostitutes or going to
strip clubs, he may need to set up boundaries and accountability with
his time and money—sharing financial records with his wife and
accountability partners, not making ATM cash withdraws when out
alone, calling his wife or accountability partner when traveling
alone, coming straight home after work— again, great physical
defenses in the spiritual battle against sexual temptation.

If you’re confused, let me
clarify. Sexual temptation is just as much (if not more) a spiritual
battle as it is a physical one. Yes, setting up physical
boundaries will only help him in his quest for sexual purity. When
temptations arise, having a safety net of boundaries is the fence on
the outer perimeter. Just as with a house, locks and keys
are not always enough to keep a family secure from unwanted visitors.
Limiting access with greater certainty is a man’s first line of
defense in keeping his home secure. In the same way, boundaries for a
man in recovering are his first line of defense in keeping his purity
secure. They are meant to keep the temptation from ever
entering his mind or heart. They should be maintained and
well-guarded. But perimeters can be broken. And when they are, it
becomes a man’s spiritual responsibility to protect his purity.
It’s a spiritual battle. Repentance is the foundation of sexual
purity and it’s more than behavior modification; it begins in the
mind. Repentance requires you to change the way you think
about your sin, about God, and about what you’re doing or failing
to do. If all the physical boundaries were removed, a man can still
withstand temptation through the transformation that comes
from the renewing of his mind(Romans 12:2).

Situations can arise where
the safety net of boundaries aren’t available… perhaps your
husband is traveling where internet filters are unavailable. Maybe he
is forced to stay late for work one night and his colleague is an
attractive woman. Perhaps he walks into a public bathroom and there
sits a Playboy on the back of the commode. Maybe there are
women in his work place that are immodest and flirtatious. Boundaries
are vital, but not enough. Conceivably there will be times when
boundaries are not present and a man must have the resolve to fight
the spiritual battle to withstand temptation. The Apostle Paul tells
us that, “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common
to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be
tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also
make the way of escape, that you may be able to
bear it” (1 Corinthians 10:13). God has not
abandoned us to unchecked temptation. He has not left us to fend for
ourselves. When our boundaries fail, God is there to arm
us and help us fight. Ephesians 6:10-17 says, “…be strong in
the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God
that you may be able to stand against the wiles (trickery) of the
devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against
principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of
this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly
places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be
able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to
stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth,
having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your
feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking
the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the
fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of
salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of
God…” Our weapons in the fight against temptation are
truth, righteousness, preparation, peace, faith, salvation, and the
Word of God. With the spiritual armor of God, a man
recovering from sexual sin has the ability to withstand the enemy and
any temptation he may throw his way.

But we still have to have
boundaries. We can’t go through life by the seat of our pants, and
a man in recovery from sexual addiction certainly needs a strategy.
He needs to have a plan of action. The key to successfully
establishing boundaries without control becoming an issue is
humility. Both on the part of the husband and the wife. The
husband must humble himself and realize there are steps that need to
be taken to not only help him stay on track, but give his wife a
little peace of mind. There is no room for pride and justifications
in this journey towards sexual purity. My husband always
says men in recovery need to “get used to the taste of humble pie.”
There may be boundaries that a wife asks for that the husband feels
is silly or redundant. Even so, if he is a humble man, he will be
willing to do what it takes. On the same token, the wife must humble
herself and realize that her husband needs grace. We are all sinners
and no one is perfect. But if her husband is genuinely seeking
purity, she can trust the intent of his heart. That his heart is for
her and to stay sexually sober. She also needs to understand that no
matter what boundaries are established, her husband ultimately makes
his own choices. And she can still find healing through Christ even
if she doesn’t like or agree with her husband’s choices. Talking
about what each other needs and what boundaries would make you both
feel more confident in this battle is important. Boundaries aren’t
the cure for sexual addiction, but they are a catalyst towards
recovery and healing.