Treehouse of Horrors XXIX – Act 2 Calendar and Math You Need to Get Everything

I fell asleep with my iPad on my chest…after reading a bunch of whiney comments about the calendar. It wasn’t a deep sleep, as I rarely sleep well when I am bothered by conflict…especially when I am one of the “conflictees!”

“Go back to the Gregorian Calendar!” and “I’m chart challenged!” and “Please…I HATE the new calendar!” Man…seriously? The turmoil of formats dug deep in my psyche!

To say my sleep was restless as I mumbled cranky epithets back into the ether, would be an understatement.

And then, I felt a tap on my shoulder…along with a breath on my neck so cold that I was instantly awake and whipping my head around to see who was bothering me!

I turned and fell back from my chair as my eyes tried to focus on an ethereal form, almost translucent with the aura of light that shone about him.

His hair a deep gray, almost matching the fur trim on his scarlet cloak. His eyes pierced my very soul as his mouth opened to speak…

“Hi. I’m Greg. Wassuuuuup???”

“You’re who? And…what do you mean, wassup?” I replied in a haltingly unsteady voice. “Are you from the turn of the century or something? Are you a bad Bud commercial come to life?” I stammered.

“Uhm…no. Sorry…I was told by Peter to try and speak colloquially to put you at ease. I’m not from the turn of the century…at least this century. In fact, I’m the guy who helped make sense of keeping time in centuries for almost the last five centuries! I’m…”

“Holyfreakinshirt!!! You’re Pope Gregory!!” I screamed.

“Gregory…” the apparition stammered…wincing at the volume of my exhalation. “But to the point, what in the Big Guy’s name do you have against my calendar???”

“They take a long time to do…I’m burned out…” I mumbled with a shrug of my shoulders.

“Hard to do? You’re kidding me…right?” Gregory exclaimed. “In my day, they had to be done by hand…each one lettered…and adorned…by the day and month and year. And we had to start, by doing 1500 years of calendars…1582 to be exact…times twelve! With pen and ink! Quill pens! Ink in little bottles!!! Just so we could have Easter on the same day every year! We had to make them for everyone who could read! How hard do you think that was?”

“Well…I guess it was hard…” I started to say, my face crinkled in empathy.

“You bet it was hard, you simpering, lazy whiner!” Gregory screamed. “And we didn’t have one of these magic boxes that allowed you to copy and paste and save documents with the click of hand block!”

“Hand block? What are you talking about?” I asked.

“That thing you hold and click and bang on the desk.”

“Oh…the mouse??” I replied.

“That’s a mouse? That’s what’s become of vermin in this time? That’s great! In my day vermin carried all sorts of infections and malevolent illnesses!” Greg said, his face wide with wonder.

“Well…these can be responsible of viruses and malware too…” I mumbled. “Look…are you here to bug me about the TSTO Calendars like the rest of the readers on the blog?”

“Grog? Oh…no thanks…I don’t do grog…I’m a Pope. But, if you have some consecrated wine, I could take a little drab,” Greg said, smiling and moving closer.

“No…Blog…not Grog…it’s an electronic communication that…Oh. Never mind. But, I don’t have any wine. Sorry…” I apologized.

“That’s OK. The last time I had too much wine, I forgot to add the right number of minutes for Leap Year, and in 1732, Easter ended up in July, before they figured it out. That was a bad year for Calendar scribes. They tried to form a Union after that…but of course, I was long gone,” Gregory said, his voice trailing off.

“FINE! I’ll do it. Man…these people really expect a lot of a guy who does this stuff for free. But, maybe that’s what you guys in the Pope’s House meant by giving unconditionally and consistently,” I pondered.

“Sure. Right. Yes. That’s what we meant. Let’s not get into anything else that’s been said over the last few hundred years from the Pope’s House. We’ve had some ups and downs…and I don’t want to get off track. Just do both calendars like you used to, and everyone will be happy. There’s a special place in heaven for people like you. If you believed in heaven...” Greg said with a sly smile.

“Wait…what? I’m going to heaven? But when…and how am I going to…”

But, before I could finish…POOF! Greg was gone.

So…let’s not mess around with calendars any more. I don’t want to risk my place in heaven. And I don’t want Old Greg coming back again. I noticed that there are two large bottles of beer, and three hard apple ciders missing from the fridge, with a piece of paper, adorned with single large “G” scrawled in Bar-B-Q sauce.

Greg. What a hoot.

Here are the damnable calendars. In both forms. And if you haven’t figured it out yet…the numbers are relative. They look high…but the rewards are equally high. Tap every 4 hours and you’ll get everything with loads of time to spare.

95 responses to “Treehouse of Horrors XXIX – Act 2 Calendar and Math You Need to Get Everything”

Thanks much for the calendar.
I’ve been having alot of trouble keeping up with the last few events. I haven’t been working regularly so my schedule is out of whack. I imagine that is part of the problem.
However i’m wondering if EA has been making these goals harder to hit. I remember finishing every act with days to spare. Currently i’m behind.
Seems like I started having problems after they switched the reset time to 8AM Pacific.
Another problem is that even though EA has a website they never post start times. Considering how critical starting on time is I think this is very poor management on EA’s part. If it were not for excellent sites like this i’d probably have stopped playing by now. It’s very frustrating working towards a goal that may not be attainable. The recent Krustyland really annoyed me as I wanted the last pieces of the roller coaster but I had to slog through the sub-tiers in act 3 and I never made it to the last pieces.
Spending donuts for the crafting part is out of the question as it can cost thousands of donuts to rush it and there isn’t a way to buy the specific pieces after the event.
I probably do 4 logins per day on average and I maximize the bonus items. A mechanic I hate btw because item bonuses vary dramatically. Forcing me to craft items I don’t necessarily want. Also it makes it almost impossible to determine if you are behind the curve or not.

I loved the story leading up to your relinquishment of the calendar debate.
I will state that I disagree with it since both calendars include the exact same information.
IMHO, if a person can’t manage to comprehend the spreadsheet style calendar, they have a learning disability that they need to acknowledge and accept and your calendar is a great tool for them to start with their reeducation..

Why didn’t you become a writer Patric? Great post. Since he’s probably a saint now (i didn’t look it up) Grey must have at least smiled when he read it
BtW i’m racing through this act. Got wednesday goal already. The novel writing….

I have to say a BIG THANKS Patrick for the calendar. I don’t take it as gospel but just to keep an eye on my progress to make sure I’m on track. and I greatly appreciate the effort you put it, even with the haters bringing the hate. keep up the great work 🙂

Best calendar post ever. I like the Gregorian. When you don’t make them I don’t whine but I also don’t click. When you make them I click several times. Seems like it will all work itself out. But it is truly appreciated.

I love your calendars. Any kind you make… you make them beautiful.
They’re the reason I came here to check the news.
Sooooo… keep the good work! Please…!!! For me they’re very important, either Gregorian, Julian, Caeser… whatever you chose, I’m with you.

No matter what calendar you make it’s a wonderful job. I always save it and use it as reference during each act to make sure I’m gonna make it to the final prize on time. This time around I got Nosferatu and he allows me to stay at least one day ahead of the calendar. I love this event, probably my favorite of the year thus far. Keep up the great work guys!