I don't know you, but I do know that if you follow pop culture in the slightest, you'll most likely end up watching The Canyons. Starring the reigning queen of tabloids, Lindsay Lohan, and "Porn's Boy Next Door," James Deen (Nightline claims Deen's popularity is unparalleled in Teen Girl Tumblrville), the upcoming film bills itself as a portrait of "Youth, glamour, sex and Los Angeles, circa 2012," which is only everything American culture cares about.

The Canyons also boasts a pretty sexy creative team: directed by Paul Schrader, who wrote the screenplay for Taxi Driver (among other things) and written by Bret Easton Ellis, one of the most commercially successful authors of literary fiction of the past two decades (the film American Psycho was based on his novel of the same name).

Based on the just-released trailer, I don't have high hopes for the film's quality (last night, Ellis and Fifty Shades of Grey producer Dana Brunetti got in a Twittercatfight over whose upcoming film was going to be worse, and that seems like a fair fight), but I don't understand why anyone wouldn't be (at least secretly) dying to watch it, and just super excited about this whole affair. It looks like a goofy pretentious mess, and if you don't believe me, just watch the trailer below and read this recent status update from the movie's Facebook page: "Showed L[indsay]L[ohan] the film tonight. She saw and she understood. What a wonderful moment for her. Some tears, some hard words, some kisses but that's life in Lindsayland. Sometimes the movie gods smile. Sometimes you get lucky. LL and I got lucky."

There will be a press tour. Lindsay Lohan will give interviews. James Deen will ink a major burrito endorsement deal. Bret Easton Ellis will get really defensive about something publicly. I want it now.