Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Have you readers been seeing the previews for "Age of Love," the new dating reality show on NBC? Australian tennis player Mark Phillippoussis vies for the affection of two groups of women- one containing women in their 20s and one containing women in their 40s. I'm sorry for all the Al material of late, but I just have to say that this show seems like it was dreamed up by Al. It combines two of his big non poker interests - reality television and late 1990s-era tennis.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Al, I hope you still read Delino, and I miss your posts- The Chick-Fil-A one stands out in my memory but they're all great. Tom and I were in New Haven yesterday and it reminded us of Al, which got me thinking of how Al should have a catchphrase now that he does all these poker interviews. Tom reminded me of something Al used to say a lot, so here is how I think he could work it into conversation.

Norman Chad: So Al, how does it feel to win the World Series of Poker? The BIG ONE! The Big Kahuna!

Al: Pretty good, I guess.

Norman Chad: And now our very own Monica Starwood will put the silver bracelet on Alex's wrist.

(Enter Monica Starwood- stunning blond bombshell who has a ton of cleavage showing. She has an ample bosom and is literally spilling out of her dress)

Al: Looks like the Dairy Section is open.

CUT TO:

Al wearing a "Looks like the Dairy Section is open" T-shirt, holding a "Looks like the Dairy Section is open" mug, smiling and giving a thumbs up. The catchprase has

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Since Dan has been too consumed in his Urban Planning studies to post Bulgarian Member of Parliament Babes of the Month recently, I am temporarily creating a new feature called "State Governors' First Lady Babes of the Month." This month's babe is Kelly Crosby Heyniger. She speaks English, she's not married and she's an actress - Dan, go for it man!

Monday, May 21, 2007

I have an idea for a movie- it's a sequel to Groundhog Day, except instead of waking up every day and hearing "I Got You Babe" playing on the radio, and therefore realizing he is re-living the same day over and over, the main character checks Munz's blog and sees the same post every day. No wait, that's not a movie idea, it's MY LIFE! Munz, please update, you are making me go insane every morning! I'll be less selfish, I learned my lesson OK, and I got the girl. So please, PLEASE when I wake up tomorrow morning, I want to read about something other than The Problem with John McCain

Thursday, May 17, 2007

As we all know, Finnegan is a personal trainer. Clients pay him something like $100 an hour for him to whip their bodies into tip-top shape. But it seems to me that this falls something short of his potential. You see, Finnegan is the Ayn Rand-ian Apotheosis of Man, the philosophical genius with a sinewy, trapezoidal body. So why not charge $200 an hour and get a full mind-body workout from Finnegan- give it a thought, would you Finn? Here is how I imagine a session might go down with Finnegan and an Upper East Side Trophy Wife.

Finnegan (shirtless, has a German accent for some reason): I am Dahn, and I am hee-ah to pump (clap) YOU UP!

Upper East Side Trophy Wife (UESTW): Fantastic! So I was thinking we'd do a little treadmill and then maybe some Stairmast...

Finnegan: No cahhdio! You will lift two refrigeratahs! One in each hand!

UESTW: Sweetie, on my diet I barely open a refrigerator- haha!

Finnegan: Stop it! Stop whining! I vill staht you out with just one fridge!

(Finnegan places a fridge in UESTW's hands. She promptly drops to the floor due to the weight. She is writhing on the floor, with the fridge on top of her)

Finnegan: Goood. Now do foo-ahty reps- GO!

UESTW: AHHH!! I can't lift it off me! Ahhh it hurts! You fucking asshole, why did you do that?

Finnegan: Do you think I CHOSE to hand you daat fridge?

UESTW: No one put a fucking gun to your head so yeah! Goddamnit, I can't feel my fucking toes!

Finnegan: NONSENSE! They-ah is no such thing as free will! All of the following four statements jibe with intuition but at least vahn of them must be false on pain of contradiction:

(1) Vee have free will.(2) If the uuuniverse is deterministic, vee don't have free will.(3) If the uuuniverse is indeterministic, vee don't have free will.(4) The uuuniverse is either deterministic or indeterministic.

(4) is simply an instance of ze law of ze excluuded middle. If you-ah prepared to deny (4)...you-ah not actually prepared to deny (4), vatever you-ah protestations. You live by assuming de law of de excluuuded middle.

UESTW: FUCK! SO MUCH PAIN! Alright, I want to get this fridge off of me, so I have decided I'm going to do it and I can do it!

Finnegan: Vaht! Have you been listening? I am in de middle of proooving you have no free will! You have no decisions to make! Let me continuuue... So vahn of (1)-(3) has got to be false. But (2) and (3), while not truths of logic alone, look pretty sound. The denial of (2) and (3) is compatibilism, and to cut a long stooory short, it doesn't vork. So that leaves (1). It's not in whole or in part a truuuth of logic. It's not a statement with any empirical confirmation of ze sort admissible in science behind it. It's an intuuuition, just an intuuuition. "It's not just an intuition," squeals ze freeee-vill dogmatist. "I actually have ze expeeerience of acting freely." Indeed.

UESTW: See - uhhhh....(drifting in an out of consciousness) .... there is free will

Finnegan: STOP INTERRUPTING MEEE- YOU HAVE ZEE PHYSICAL AND MENTAL STRENGTH OF A SMALL CRUSTACEAN! (composing himself) And many people do not have zat experience, after reflecting on it just as thoroughly as zee upholders of freee-will. And vat's more, given zee absence of free vill, dee alternative theories do indeed predict zee datum of the experience of free will. If duh uuuniverse is deterministic, then zee laws of nature and zee states of fundamental pahhhticles at duh time of zee Big Bang determine zat in 2006, Peter Johnston vill have zee experience of having free vill. If zee universe is indeterministic, then by quantum coin flip, Peter Johnston had zee expeeerience of having free will. Zee expeeerience anyone has of having free will is therefoo-ah uttahhly irrelevant as evidence for or against it. So de intuition is just raw assertion.

UESTW: Please... Call an ambulance... I beg of you...

Finnegan: Veey-ah ahh you-ah mannahs, little lady? So it might have utilitarian backing of some sort---pehhaps societies flooorish vhere belief in zee existence of free will is dominant---but zat tells us nothing about vhether or not free vill exists. Hence, of (1)-(4), (2) (3) and (4) have varying degreeees of objective backing, (1) has none. And vuhn of (1)-(4) must be false. So the only varranted conclusion is zat (1) is false. QED.

(Finnegan lifts the refrigerator off of UESTW and throws it aside. He helps UESTW up so she is standing now)

UESTW: Oh... my... God! You have taught me so much, Dan. You're right, I DON'T have free will. And despite my complaints, what a great workout too! I must have burned 500 calories under that fridge. How much do I owe you?

Finnegan: It is twooo hundred dollahhs- to be paid in eithahh cash oo-ah in protein shakes and philosophy textbooks!

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Here's a question - why is it that every time a new "terror plot" is "exposed" by the government, we never hear about it again? Perhaps it's because they never result in prosecutions since what really happened every time was:

Serbian Woman who just got off boat: Vat... heat... today?

Retarded Congolese boy: HOTTTT!! Ice cweam!

FBI Undercover Agent: So you guys want to blow up an American Army Base? Right, right. (nudges)

Serbian Woman who just got off the boat: Vat? Amereeeca- yes!

FBI Undercover Agent: And you're going to blow up this army base for Allah, right, right? (nudges)

Monday, May 07, 2007

Why is it we always hear about how "so-and-so was the first member of his family to go to college?" I, for one, want to congratulate fellow Yalie Barbara Bush on being the 150th member of her family to go to college. Nostra, what number are you? 141st? Congratulations to you too!

NB: This could actually be a Fox News tidbit as part of their frighteningly large "rich white people are society's victims" beat

Friday, May 04, 2007

Now when you turn to DelinoDeShields.com, you normally don't expect to read any sort of Ms. Manners bullshit, I know. But I just have to break tradition here and get something off my chest that AG and I discussed in LA, and which I feel I must share with all of you.

Still caring about 9/11, caring about the firefighters, caring about "our troops over there," wanting to "Kick Osama's ass" - could anything be more tacky? Sometimes in the outer boroughs I see a mural that says "United We Stand" - ewwwww! Or maybe a... I can hardly say it... an American flag pin- Yuck!

Let me tell you something - a guy wearing a wife beater and Tevas as he takes his wife to a McDonald's off I-95 for their 20th anniversary who is completely apathetic and feels no sense of nationalism is classier than any slick Republican politician going on about "the troops" and "never forget what happened September the 11th."

I have a confession to make... I am such a political junkie that I watched part of the Republican Presidential Debate last night with no sound and no closed captioning. I just wanted to see Tommy Thompson gesticulating THAT badly.

But I'm not the only junkie around the blogosphere. When I was staying with him in LA, AG and I got up extra early to watch Attorney General Alberto Gonzales (AG AG - interesting) testify before the Senate. Here is a poem I wrote inspired by those events:

Twas the night before Alberto Gonzales's testimony, when all through the houseNot a gadget was stirring, not even a mouse.The stockings were hung by the TV with care,In hopes that Alberto soon would be there, live via satellite from Washington, DC.

The bloggers were nestled all snug in their beds,While visions of Monica Goodling danced in their heads.And AG in his ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,Had just settled our brains for a long spring's nap.

When right on the TV there arose such a clatter,I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.Close to the screen I flew like a flash,Turned the volume up high and my joint i ashed.

The California sun made the plants outside grow,giving the lustre of mid-day to objects below.When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,But the Attorney General, his face full of fear.

His eyes darted around, so lively and fast,I knew in a moment it must be the White House Counsel from the past.More rapid than eagles his inquisitors they came,And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,And the beard of his chin was as smooth as the snow.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He sprang to his SUV, to his team gave a whistle,And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,"Merry Senate Testimony to all, and to all a good-night!"

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Since Eric has been too consumed in his medical studies to post Chess Babe of the Month recently, I am temporarily creating a new feature called "Bulgarian Member of Parliament Babe of the Month." This month's babe is ANTONYIA STEFANOVA PARVANOVA. She speaks English, she's not married AND she's a doctor - Eric, go for it man!

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

While in the Bay Area, recuperating from my holy pilgrimage, I also visited Beneficent Allah at Stanf. It was a sunny day, the campus was beautiful, and the birds were chirping. So when I met up with Beneficent Allah, I told him that I thought the place must be some sort of legal paradise. BA told me that it was pretty nice, but "people don't get me here." Having seen BA's bon vivant personalitymake his presence de rigeur at any Yale gathering, I wondered how this could be true. The first interaction I saw between BA and some Stanf Law people shed some light on the question:

[An older Conservative Guy who is a Stanf Law student approaches BA and me with a Conservative Indian Girl, Puja, who has been admitted to Stanf Law and is touring campus]

Conservative Guy: Hey BA, this is Puja, she's an admitted student and I'm showing her around.

Puja: I'm deciding between Stanford and University of Chicago.

BA: You might as well be deciding between Stanford and Iraq.

(everyone laughs)

Puja: But U Chicago does have Richard Posner, who is one of my intellectual heroes.

BA: Well Stanford has Richard Epstein. And our famous conservative professors actually focus on the classroom instead of on their next book.

Dan's Inner Monologue: What is BA talking about? He's charming the pants off these people.

BA: Hey Conservative Guy, I'd like to introduce you to my friend Dan. He's a blogger, just like you used to be.

Conservative Guy: Yeah, I used to substitute for Andrew Sullivan when he took vacations. But I stopped doing that a while back.

BA: I bet you stopped because Andrew Sullivan was doing a little too much [makes the Universal Symbol for Ball-Diddling with his hand] with you.

Fortunately, Actual God and I later got to see BA in his Natural Habitat in the San Fernando Valley on the outskirts of LA. BA, a true Encino Man, showed us all the sights, from the Duck Pond to the Starbucks to the Chevy's - where AG insisted on getting a pitcher of frozen margarita. While at Chevy's, AG and I also met the oft-discussed Ben "The Body" "Nabawwwdy" "Nabizzle" "Nabisco" Nabody. Unfortunately his brother Dan N. was not there, but as my mom always tells me, you have to keep something for next time. But even in the Valley, BA's gestalt is sometimes lost on people:

[BA approaches a car containing an elderly Persian couple]

BA: Shabbat Shalom!

Elderly Persian Man: Shabbat Shalom.

[BA points to a bottle of water and a small potato in his hands]BA: Look, it's my dinner!