So many times in this journey of life, I have been frustrated as the light has turned red and I've been forced to stop and wait. As time has gone on, I've come to realize that it is the time spent waiting at these lights that makes up the very essence of what life is supposed to be about!

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Feeling Restless

Ever since these labour negotiations came to a head a few months back I've had this restless feeling... like I need to do something else. In the past months I've combed newspapers and websites to find out what other jobs are out there and dreamed (and had nightmares) about relocating somewhere else... I've looked at different houses here in the town that I live in thinking that perhaps its time to move as I no longer have childcare expenses and I could afford a larger mortgage payment each month... I've looked at buying new things for my house thinking its time to replace my living room furniture and my kitchen appliances at the very least... I've research the concept of co-housing for hours on end and even made some contacts to look into it a little deeper... I've considered asking to move down to elementary within the school I work at to have a new and different challenge... I've toyed with the concept of working part time and doing something like respite care or foster care to supplement my lower income... I've considered adopting again and looked at the waiting children page almost daily to see if THE child would be there... I've considered joining one of those online sites where they claim you will meet the love of your life and live happily ever after.

Its odd that I feel so restless and yet so content. Each day I go to work excited about the challenges a new day brings and then return home to be a mommy to the best little boy in the whole world. I feel my life on all levels is going great and its full and complete. But then I get to wondering why am I looking at all these things. And I don't really start looking because of a feeling of restlessness but then today when I started thinking about all these things that I've been looking at over these past months I wonder.

On the flip side I still have the same sense of peace that I've had for many years now... knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will end up exactly where I am supposed to be. So today I started looking ahead to the summer and thinking about some of the projects that I would like to do around my house and about how I would like to learn to do many of them myself and suddenly I felt this feeling of relief and that was when I noticed the feeling of restlessness I had been experiencing through all this searching. Today I think I decided that this is where I'm meant to be at least for now and it is high time I got to the things that I've wanted to do around this house since I moved in almost 3 years ago. So this summer I will do a lot of work on the yard and landscaping and I will either do the roof myself (my dad would help) or get someone to do it for me. I will look in to what kind of credit I can get to redo the exterior of my house and if its good I will look into residing and re-windowing... If not I will scrape and paint what I have.

I have always been one to fight these feelings with setting out a plan... and I think I always will be. I'm really looking forward to what the summer might bring and although I'm sure I will continue to look at all these other things (especially co-housing but I will post about that soon) for some time, I'm laying it out that I'm going to be here for a few more years at least and so I might as well get this place in to the shape that I had envisioned when I bought it :).

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About the Title "Red Lights"

So many times in this journey of life, I have been frustrated as the light has turned red and I've been forced to stop and wait. As time has gone on, I've come to realize that it is the time spent waiting at these lights that makes up the very essence of what life is supposed to be about!

Mikey had just had his first birthday and we were on our way to Kindermusik class in the car. It had been a busy day with me at work and him at his dayhome all day. We had shared a quick supper and then gotten in the car to drive to his class. When we hit a red light, I turned to check that he was doing okay in his car seat and his face instantly lit up and his little fingers came together to make the motion used when the spider climbs up the spout in the "Itsy-Bitsy Spider". I took his cue and began singing and acting out the song with him and was all too soon interupted by the driver behind me honking his horn to get me to respond to the light that had turned green. As I began pulling forward I had a flashback to a time before Mikey when a red light would have frustrated me simply because of the "wasted time" that took place while trying to get somewhere. The moment and thoughts became frozen in my heart and soul and mind as I knew there was a lesson much larger in it all then just what was on the surface. And so it began...

About Us

I am Monica, single adoptive mommy to 10 year old Mikey who happens to have trisomy 21 (aka Down syndrome). I am currently hoping to add one more to our family through adoption sometime in the next little while (fingers crossed). I teach in a self-contained special education classroom in a small city in southern Alberta. Life is busy, full and wonderful! I have a dream to someday be a published author. One of the books that I would like to publish is a book of the lessons I've learned since I've become a mother. My blog "Red Lights" is meant to be a place for me to begin to organize the thoughts that I would like to someday put in this book as well as a place for me to just post about my day to day life!

I welcome your comments and/or responses to any of the things that I've written. Feel free to use the comment links that follow each of my posts. I would love to know who is all lurking out there!