They (1974)

AUGH, BILL REBANE! NOOOooooooo… The same man who brought us such classics as The Giant Spider Invasion and Monster A-Go-Go brings us They, honestly one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. And if you can’t tell by the fact that I’ve seen over 600 movies in less than two years just on this site alone, that’s saying something. Something that should be punishable by death. Not… death for me, death for Bill… oh, never mind.

A group of people that live out in the backwoods area of Canada find out that a plague (possibly from space) is wiping out the population of the Earth. Also, there are aliens that may or may not be blowing up cities. These people are trapped in backwoods Canada (which happens when you live there, whether aliens are around or not) and go through all sorts of wacky misadventures… Well, they mostly just sit around their cabin and whine, until the last half of the movie which is mostly wandering through the woods with no purpose or dialogue for about half an hour straight. Finally, the two surviving people reach a town and inexplicably turn into two mostly naked kids, possibly symbolizing them becoming Adam and Eve or something idiotic like that. I think Rebane just wanted an excuse to put some child porn at the end of his movie.

I just now realized something; this movie is very thematically (and boring…atically) similar to another movie he made just four years after this one, The Alpha Incident. Something else that I just realized; I know enough about Bill Rebane’s directorial career to make comparisons like that. Welp, guess it’s time to go slit my wrists. Happy Halloween!