Things in the Universe that are Trying to Kill Me – A Series

This one I never saw coming. On the surface it would appear that replacing a 10 year old death trap broken van with a brand new van with actual working parts would be a gift of safety. You see Nerdguy is very crafty. He also knew I wasn’t ready for Stow ‘n Go. I can barely carry a coffee and walk at the same time. I also have no patience for instruction manuals. And a dismal ability to resist the urge to pull the tab marked ‘3’ in a sequence of 1 to 4.

Folding the rear seat down on our old van was simple – pull the lever on the seat-back and give on ‘er. Easy. Operating the stow ‘n go requires NASA-grade training and the concentration of Tibetan monks. And is not something that should ever be attempted in the parking lot of the school.

The new van (which I am completely in love with despite its attempts to kill me – I should probably discuss this with a therapist) is much more complicated. When you are attempting to stow the seats you need to pull on tabs 1 through 4, preferably in order. But when you are trying to set the seats back up again, you need to skip tab number 3 or else your violent heaving forward of the seat will all have been in vain, because that is the tab that releases the seat from the latches in the floor. I would tell you that I caught on to that right away, but I think we all know me better than that. The easy part is stowing the seats, so I got a bit too relaxed and unpayingattentioney. I’m not very tall, and didn’t want to get snow on my legs from the bumper, so I had to lean on the back of the seat to reach the tab. And that is where it all went wrong. I pulled tab 2, which makes the seat-back fold down. Rapidly. And since I have basically zero core strength I went flying along for the ride, right into the deep stow n’ go area. In the school parking lot. Within view of the security cameras.

If I ever get in trouble with some mobsters, it will be their lucky day since I apparently load myself into the trunk.

Good thing there’s a rainbow loom explosion in the trunk to keep me busy.

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Stay tuned for more tales of things that are trying to put me in an early grave. Or at the very least made me look ridiculous.