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Kelso: Monkey business aims to keep the drunk from driving

Kelso: Monkey business aims to keep the drunk from driving

So you’ve had a few col’ beers and you don’t want to make an appearance on the 6 o’clock news trying to put your finger on your nose.

To avoid this predicament, you can call Sober Monkeys, a business that provides designated drivers in the Austin area for folks who think they’ve been overserved.

Angie Brinkley, a personal trainer who says she has never driven drunk — and I believe her — started up Sober Monkeys nearly a year ago when she “saw a need in the community, and clearly there’s a need.” (Please, no Rosemary Lehmberg jokes, OK?)

This is Brinkley’s second pickup business. About 10 years ago she had a company called Poop Troopers, which picked up pet droppings. How’s that for a transition, folks?

Brinkley says Sober Monkeys is doing gangbusters, which should come as no surprise, Austin being a party town. “We’re pretty slammed almost every weekend,” she said.

And we’re not talking calls from a bunch of crazy frat boys, either. In fact, Brinkley says her business rarely attracts college kids. On the other hand, many of her calls come from “people in the public eye” who’d have plenty to lose if they got caught driving while stewed. As in their reputations and jobs.

Brinkley says some of her customers are well known, though she wouldn’t give me any names. Without confidentiality, Sober Monkeys would soon become Going Out of Business Monkeys.

“Mainly just professionals, like lawyers, people that are CEO’s, people that are owners of companies here in Austin,” Brinkley said of her customer base. “We’ve even driven several police officers.”

If there’s anybody who can tell when he can’t stand on one foot for 30 seconds, it would be a cop, right?

Sober Monkeys works like this. Let’s say you’re out at Poodie’s Hilltop Roadhouse (I just pulled that name out of thin air) out in Spicewood and you’ve had a few too many Shiner Bocks. You call up Sober Monkeys. Two Sober Monkeys drive out to Poodie’s to pick you up. Then one Sober Monkey drives back to town in the company car. And the other Sober Monkey drives you home in the back seat of your own car.

That, Brinkley says, is what makes her service better than calling a cab: Not only do you get a ride home, your car does, too.

And since many of her customers are big shots with fat wallets, Brinkley gets to drive some fancy wheels.

“We drive a lot of luxury cars,” she said. “They’re usually Mercedes, BMWs, Lexus.” Her personal favorite? “I drove a Porsche 911 one time. That was really fun.”

Sober Monkeys isn’t cheap, although it’s a bargain compared to hiring, say, high-profile Austin attorney Roy Minton. Prices range from $30 for a trip of five miles or less, up to $110 for 30.01 to 35 miles.

So if you want to save a few bucks, get drunk at a beer joint close to the house. Although a lot of Brinkley’s customers don’t follow that advice.

“We drive a lot of people out to Cedar Park from Austin; we do a lot of those drives, yeah,” Brinkley said.

The longest trip so far? Sober Monkeys drove to a wedding 25 miles east of Austin in Bastrop to pick up a bridesmaid. Why is it always a bridesmaid?

There are other expenses. You pay for the gas and tolls. And there’s a $15 fee for each stop on the way home. So if you have the driver pull over at a Wag-A-Bag for a six-pack to go, that’ll cost you.

And yes, “That’s exactly what happens,” Brinkley said. “We’ve had to stop at Spec’s (Liquors) before and at convenience store to get more alcohol. No one ever comes out with any Skittles. They always come out with a six-pack or some sort of hard liquor. Kinda funny, isn’t it?”