The Wasted Time Review: Uraby210’s One Piece Abridged.

People often ask me why I choose to watch anything if I hate everything. Instead of explaining that I don’t really hate everything and challenging the logic of internet commentators; I generally say, in some way I like watching bad things. Before you say that’s what makes me a twisted masochistic freak, I have to argue with you on that point (it’s the bondage that does that).

You see the reason I like watching things that are bad is because, being a Satire Artist, stomping on the face of particularly shitastic shows has its own entertainment value to me. Watching something you hate, or watching something hang itself in its own genre is the fuel of Satire, and this is what really sets Satire apart from Parody, But more on that later.

Because of this ability to comically make fun of anything, this allows me to sit through some of most god-awful buckets of porter-john juice in one sitting. I have personally sat through Highlander: The Source, Batman and Robin, Failure to Launch, and an endless slew of Syfy miniseries without batting an eyelash. I watched Bustgunner: Abridged, Twat of Dangers: Pokemon Abridged, and Captainawesome’s Pokemon Abridged in relatively few sittings. Generally it only takes me two days to complete a series (and that’s factoring in a 12 hour work shift and a needy bottle of lotion).

All this said, I avoided Uraby210s: One Piece Abridged like it was a homeless polio victim

Who Happened to be on fucking fire.

I don’t know what it was about it. I mean, I’ve certainly watched a lot of bad movies, TV shows, Anime’s (I watched Sailor Moon, for God’s sake), but this… this was just unwatchable. But, before I get into that, I need a peddle a couple steps back, and take a look at the Original One Piece in my patented Background Breakdown.

One Piece: That Show That Was On Toonami About A Year After Everyone Stopped Caring (Shortened by 4Kids to One Piece for length and content) was about a pirate boy named Monkey D. Luffy who is on a quest to find the Legendary One Piece and become King of the Pirates. To do this he enlists the help of a Ranger, a Thief, and Zorro

Unfortunately Andre the Giant is nowhere to be found.

Holy shit! A Princess Bride more focused on pirates? Fucking sign me up! This sounds like the show of the fucking century!

It also doesn’t hurt that it has the most catchy Opening Theme of the century.

Fuck Yeah! I’m pumped! I rushed to watch it… and it fucking sucked. Oh wow did it suck goat testicles. It blew dog anus. It was bad, I mean really bad. It apparently circled around devil fruit (cursed fruit, if you watched the 4kids dub), which gave M.D. Luffy (Doctor of Asshattery) the powers of Mr. Fantastic. The animation was lame, the characters were stupid, and they somehow took a show with guy named Zoro, who fights with three swords, andmade it boring. How the fuck did they accomplish that? Let’s just say you certainly have to be trying!

And, what’s this? There’s over 480 episodes! Four Hundred and eighty! What the fuck? Fuck You Toei Animation! I’m not going to sit through another 450+ episodes of fucking filler! I had enough of that with Dragon Ball Z!

So… Again I’m stuck with the same dilemma as Pokemon. I think it would be hard to make a One Piece Abridged series, because it’s hard to like it enough to Parody. The show was just mindless, the action was dull, the characters were stupid, and the animation was just fucking insane.

For instance: What the fuck is that on the right?

So, at this point I was actually looking forward to an abridged series. Maybe a little fan input is what this series needed to actually make fucking sense. After all the original series set the bar so low, that at this point I was thinking that an abridged version could have very well been a dog on unicycle and I would have been vastly more entertained. Little did I know that Uraby210 was actually not satisfied with how bad the original series was, and modeled his series to far exceed the shittiness of its predecessor (and that, my friends, is impressive).

The first episode starts off with a kind of clever opening joke, parodying the opening to the original series. The original opening music is also featured, which is pretty fucking awesome. At this point the show seemed innocent enough and I was thinking that I was in for a… not so terrible experience.

Then the show started.

The show starts with a group of sailors finding a barrel floating in the ocean. Using Sailor Logic

Not featured.

They determine that it must be beer. This leads to a series of terribly written and very unconvincing dialogue. The jokes ramble on without rhyme or reason until something happens. A pirate, who’s voice is a mumbling fat man meets Elvis impersonation, only twice as hammed up, attacks the– I don’t know, is it a cruise vessel?–that the show started on. He sends his lackey, who within the first minute upon introduction reveals through monologue that he gets “… rectally violated every day of my pathetic life.”

Yes, that is the actual joke. Forget subtlety, forget reason, and considering the kid can’t be more than 10, forget all form of human decency as well! Instead just write an exposition of this poor kid’s childhood! After that joke I don’t think I remember much of what else was said. But if memory serves me correctly it’s just because out of all the bad, poorly acted, poorly edited jokes, this one just stuck out the most and that it was just because it was so unbelievably out of place. It lacked subtlety, decency, or even humor. It simply stated a horrible event

Don’t worry, if you didn’t like that unsubtle, unfunny joke, this abridged series focuses on one every fucking episode. From adult to infant cannibalism, to emotionless and tasteless gay and retard jokes, there is not one subject that this series doesn’t violently probe with all the tact courtesy of county inmate.

The second episode of this god awful starts a group of Marines who serves as vessels for the writers incessant need to pad all dialogue with the same homophobic jokes that are Frat Houses

Featured: One Piece Abridged Lead Writing Staff. (On another note: What the fuck is that on the right?)

And if their jokes weren’t bad enough in the first episode, we cut to Luffy, who’s opening jokes include “eating babies” and just calling the poor mentally scarred kid a faggot. Just that, calls him a faggot.

Seriously, when did just calling a horribly abused purple hair kid a faggot constitute a good and expectable joke?

Ok, Point Taken.

Maybe a little subtlety? A little reason why Elastoman has suddenly decided to go on an infant diet (as delicious and nutritious as it is) or just call everyone and thing a faggot? No, Uraby210 has just decided in lieu of being clever and innovative with his gay puns, he would just say the word “faggot,” showing all the comedic writing talent of a WoW Addict.

We move on in the plot after a couple more obnoxious gay jokes, where we run into Zoro who is voiced by—is that Father Jack Hackett? It is! What the fuck does Father Jack Hackett have anything to do with fucking One Piece? For those of you who don’t know, Father Jack Hackett is a character in Father Ted, a British cult comedy about a group of Catholic Priests. What initially bothered me was that rather than an impersonation of Father Jack Hackett, Uraby210 uses a soundboard comprised of every single line Father Jack Hackett ever spoke (and since there were like four of them, it’s not really hard)..

First of all, I’m going to ignore exactly how tacky and lazy having a main character voiced entirely by soundboard really comes off as, and just going to go for the meat here: What the fuck compelled Uraby210 to use Father Jack Hackett? What the hell does it have anything to do with what’s going on? Sure, he says “Drink!” a lot, and pirates love to drink, but if I had heard that a character called Zoro (who was a sword fighter who wore a bandana) was to be voice acted entirely by a soundboard from a B-Rate comedy, I think that this would have been a better choice:

So, in the second episode, this show has invented a new form of laziness yet seen in abridged series. You know one could understand using a soundboard for a bit character, but what in the name of Guru’s left ass cheek compelled them to use a soundboard for a main fucking support character? I know your series is done with the effort of a White Castle shit, Uraby210! You don’t have to rub it in my face!

Well, anyway, Zoro is apparently experiencing The Passion when Luffy and the broken and beaten Kid Trunks stumble upon him behind a high rise wall in a locked barracks. Luffy breaks into the Barracks, because apparently the soldiers were being “too gay” to stop him, as Uraby210 is constantly reminding us through this episode, and steals Zoro’s three swords. They are then confronted by Baron Ünderbheit, who wields a large axe hand, which he swings with all of the grace and expertise of me about three hours after the end Tequila night (just not nearly as funny).

They beat Iron Jaw, call a couple more people a faggot, Zoro screams “Drink!” in the most hackjob Hackett soundboard voice I’ve ever heard and the show ends…

Yes, they choke in a scene of Nami at the very end of episode two as she is stealing a map for fucked if I know. Nami is impressively voice acted by a female voice actor (a rarity amongst YouTube Abridged series)… a bad female voice actor, but at least Uraby210 didn’t try to pitch his voice to the sound of a powerdriill in a meatgrinder and go full circle on the whole androgynous man/women creatures that tends to populate anime.

Actually, come to think about it, none of the voice actors are all that good (Seriously, when the soundboard is out acting you, it is time give it a rest), sure they can do impressions, but ask them to inflect, emote, or even raise their voice and you’ll receive a sea of vacant gazes as they try to comprehend the idea of acting. It doesn’t help that Uraby210 constantly falls out of his “accents” (generally when trying to scream), the voices sounded unnaturally overlayed, and that the voice “actors” could have improved their timing with acting lessons by William Shatner. But no need to worry! Because if the voice acting isn’t enough to break your spirit, the writing will have you tongue kissing a cold barrel in three episodes.

The writing is amazingly uninventive, devoid of any substance or creativity, showing no want or care for a storyline, just yearning for excuse after excuse to make a god-awful reference or a joke that feels like it cuts itself at night. The jokes lack any rhyme or reason, the show consistently mistakes simply stating morbid actions for actual humor, and when that wears down the show just throws a random reference out of its hat, in the fleeting hope that they can cover up everything that’s bad about this show by telling you something good from another show.

Now remember who is talking here. In my Wasted Time ReReview of YGOTAS, I said the it would be completely forgivable to say that reference is the only valid form of humor. But in the case of this show the references rarely are even relevant to what is going on. Most of the references seem quite out of place, contrived and forced down our throats without so much as the courtesy to tell the watcher its name or buy them a drink

The reason I bring all of this up now, is because episode three takes all of these problems and more, and concentrates them in a thick liquid mass, that can only be defined as: “sewage.” This puree of processed Taco Bell farts is probably one of the worst episodes of anything I’ve ever seen (And I’ve suffered through the Desperate Housewives).

The show starts with a preachy diatribe about 4Kids being the epitome of all evil… and not a single joke to be found. Ok, Far beest me to knock anyone for a 4Kids knock (I made one earlier this article), but even a good joke seems to lack all tact when you’re pulling out the soap box and throwing the bible in the air. The show then goes on to try to make a joke (literally, the maker seemed to be under the impression of such because he literally said “now that that jokes out of the way.”) The show then jumps into a flashback of when Luffy is a child.

We go back to when Luffy is a young boy as he is asking his child idol Shanks if he could join his crew. Shanks is accompanied by Keith Richards and Doctor Robotnik’s cousin Eddie.

This entire scene is a perfect example of how the voice acting and editing in this series is pretty atrocious. The entire scene runs on with all of the editing plainly refusing to match up with anything that’s fucking going on. In many scenes these two are belly laughing in the scene, while the voice acting leads us to believe they were merely mildly amused.

Luffy is at one point given orange juice, that apparently has the fastest acting Peyote in the world (though oddly immune to the acid in the orange juice), as it has Luffy tripping balls within seconds. This whole scene kind of goes on like this, almost flaunting the fact that the writing is unappealing, the voice acting is uninspiring, and the editing could have been done better by a chimpanzee who has splooge in his eye (and you don’t want to know the details of how that happened).

The main antagonist of this flashback, who is kind of like if Dirty Harry took the “Snidely Whiplash” approach, bursts into the scene, abducts Luffy, and proceeds to mercilessly beat him… but not until after he convinces him to eat a devil fruit. While all of this sounds action packed and amusing, it surprisingly isn’t. The whole scene comes off as rushed, probably to make more time to say Sailor Logic. I know you want that on a T-Shirt Uraby210! But you might want to focus on a better joke!

We end up in the ocean, and if you think I’m cliff noting this, believe me Uraby210 does it as well, where Snidely Whiplash throws Luffy in the ocean, and is then eaten by a sea dragon. Luffy is then saved by Shanks, using the power of, and I’m not kidding, Japanese Music. You know in a good series, this might have been a clever joke, but here it just sounds pretentious. We wrap up with Shanks giving Luffy his hat… and that’s how he got his straw hat…

This episode was completely pointless! it didn’t enrich the story, nor did it give us any memorable humor. It was absolutely painful to watch, and I really and it was about this time that I knew exactly what sort of pain I was in for.

The show doesn’t really progress in any way from here. The show moves on and on through different situations, but the same issues that plagued this show from day one. The editing rarely matches any of the statements, which kind of gives fracture on the coveted credibility thing. Most of the jokes—I say jokes, I mean blatant morbid statements. The sad about all of this is: as far as morbid shock humor goes, it’s pretty blasé. It lacks subtlety or ingenuity and it’s just “I eat babies” and “I get rectally violated every day of my pathetic life.” For a series who hinges itself on the shock morbidity humor, there’s little in the way of shock in this mess… just morbidity.

The shows characters are unlikable and unappealing, the soundboard consistently out acts the other actors, the support cast is featured by one horrible reference after another, and the antagonists just don’t have any other purpose than to annoy the shit out of the audience. The antagonists include The Smoking Man (and believe me, that’s a funnier joke than anything they said about him), a guy who just really liked that one Monty Python Spanish Inquisition Sketch (and the one time a soundboard would have been appropriate, he doesn’t use it), and a bad Michael Jackson impersonation. The story is nowhere to be found and the writing sounds like Uraby210 opened up a forum thread on One Piece, and just copy and pasted every line from the opinions (I take that back, forum trolls are more witty).

All Seventeen episodes are utter pain. I’ve never had to force myself to watch anything like this before. It was almost as Uraby210 was attempting to make a satire of an abridged, and even then it wasn’t that good. The references were confusing, the jokes were excruciatingly bland and morbid (which I never thought I would ever get to use that sentence). It was just bad; audience insulting, waste of bandwidth bad. I couldn’t even make a lot of jokes about this, just a cautionary: Do not watch this until in the right state of mind.

Generally this is the point in which I would just sum everything up with a quick joke and March my way out of the door, to hopefully forget this entire experience. But this time I’m going to change the pace by personally asking Uraby210 to refund approximately four hours of my life back. Please include this in the form of WoW points and Playstation Cash.