Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Alex Nicholson has been finding stuff literally for years. Sometimes it's not even intentional. That's how good he is. "Found Stuff" is his attempt to freeze some of these objects and moments in time, to share them with you so he can get on with metal detecting and forget about them. You can follow him on Tumblr and Twitter.

With bullies, homework and public schools' flagging soda availability, high school is no figurative cakewalk and is only a literal cakewalk at graduation. On top of strict teachers' BS, there are unwritten rules to trip up on: how you should act, what you can say, which glass you can't break when there isn't a fire, where you can't dump out a bag of peanuts to smash 'em up and access the nuts inside. Fortunately, a high school strategy guide that was circulated and edited by a wise clique has made its way to the internet. Follow this walkthrough to make high school the easiest four years of your life. (Note: As most campuses have no speed limit for foot traffic, it's possible, using this guide, to finish high school in three years.)/\ /\\_ \/ _ \ /\ /\/ _\ / __\ /\ /\/___\/___\/ // /_/ / / /\/ /_\// /_/ /\ \ / / / /_/ // /// // // __ /\/ /_/ /_\\/ __ / _\ \/ /___/ __ / \_// \_// /___\/ /_/\____/\____/\/ /_/ \__/\____/\/ /_/\___/\___/\____/

2) Run through the hallway. Stick out your arms so you knock all the fruit off the tables. Don't subscribe to ANY magazines in this area.

3) Use AXE against all enemies here. Pick up the firewood. If no music plays in this room, that's normal.

4) Ignore the lab instruction sheet and create the best-tasting solution from available ingredients.

5) Object to the frog dissection, and when prompted, use your Cross. If you learned the Smoking ability from Jeremy, don't use it now.

6) Exit Science Room back into the main hallway to the south. You will probably need to use at least one peanut butter and jelly sandwich during the teacher chase, but try to save a few.

7) SAVE. Once outside, run full speed and use your momentum to jump over the French Club and land inside the Camry.

8) At the fast food restaurant, upgrade all Sandwiches in your inventory to French Fry Sandwiches. Hold your backpack at arm’s length and spin it around yourself to scare away Jocks.

9) When the dance invitation appears, press Down.

10) Glance around at the other students as they change into their P.E. uniforms. Repeat the word "No." during the Ultimate Frisbee minigame, and lie face-down on the field.

11) During the fire drill, pick blades of grass from the ground and tuck them into a pocket in your binder to increase your Smell. This is also a good time to practice the somersault move.

12) Sidestep to English. On your way by, deposit any unwanted ketchup canisters in the Computer Lab. *TIP – When passing the Monkey Bars, instead of suspending yourself from the bars and crossing with your hands, it’s faster to walk on the ground underneath them.

13) In class, during the lecture, commit certain particular words to memory, and forget others.

14) Select your Devastator and remove all sodaspills from Homework. If you haven't yet spoken to Emma, now is a convenient time to do so.

15) Read the back of Lord of the Flies, and you can pretty much tell what it's about. Discard Lord of the Flies.

16) Age; this will nearly double your size. Note that your Colored Pencil meter will not be replenished for the rest of Highschool.

17) Sprint to math. Rotate Andrew until you hear a cussing sound.

18) Reach toward the Bathroom Pass repeatedly. Once you pick it up, use it immediately to go to the Bathroom. Recite rap lyrics to yourself from memory until the bell rings.

19) Band is relatively easy. Use any leftover spit you still have left in your Spitgauge. After class, search under chairs in the clarinet section to find Weird Pencil.

20) Hold Left Trigger to regret not talking to Emma earlier, when you had the perfect chance, but you just sat there like an idiot.

21) Watch the ending scene & credits. If you continue playing, avoid Stephen, or Adam, or whatever his name was.

Et tu, Mr. Destructo? is a politics, sports and media blog whose purpose is to tell jokes or be really right about things. All of us have real jobs and don't need the hassle that telling jokes here might occasion, which is why some contributors find it more tasteful to pretend to be dead mass murderers.