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Waiting for my last breath

When one understands some things are just out of ones control
But we do and can make choices
Oh how many time at this point and time in my life
I never thought a thought of not waking up entered this mind
I know those thoughts brought on by meds I was on
It does horrible things to some of us
Mental disease do not taken seriously
With our president who is concerned what isnít being done
Look at our vets
How many off themselves as ptsd ravaging ones mind and body
To wake and not know why our mind is where it is
Hard it is
So hard when not taken seriously
I remember those days he my father would have a bout of depression that would last for it seem like forever
Not in a million years did it ever enter my mind no matter how hard things got
But when my mind would not listen to what I was telling it
And it was a thought my shrink brushed it off
Fired him after 7 years
Wasted time
Had no problem writing out scripts
But to listen to what I was trying to explain nope
And I look at all of my tiny family
See and understand
It isnít their fault
Doesnít make things easier
If fact harder it becomes
And to have my granddaughter to worry over
Enjoy I do
Made honor roll again
To have learned that those with high iqís suffer mental disease blew me away
I see it know it and canít do anything about it
So little is known about the brain
Hoping sometime soon it will be addressed and taken seriously
However money the root of ALL evil trumps the real work that needs to be looked at
Hoping my daughter will come to a place she will understand why she canít be around her child at this point and time
Sometimes I think when she does see her child it triggers negative thoughts
As if she were punishing herself
Itís so difficult to watch and I so understand
No answers
Me

Just the last three televised suicide
Has indeed triggered something
What I donít know
But I understand their act
As if it were the answer
Knowing of course it is not an option
Not in my case
But I get them
Robins death is still with me
Never left
The struggles of addiction not chump change
Along with depression as we try so hard to mask it
Put it at bay
Not to deal with all the pain as there is just to much of it
And one just doesnít know where to shove it anymore
If itís not one thing itís another
What had become of us
Isnít anybody listening
All those professionals
Out for the buck
There is just a small few who really give a s**t
And we get up and put one foot in front of the other and just do
And wait for that time to come
Not a way to live
But itís the truth in this ones case
Who will care
As there is no care now
Who will care
It wonít matter there wonít be anymore pain of any kind
All gone
I watched him cook and travel all over the world
His passion as it was mine
And that was taken from me
Take just like that
My family I have arenít listening
They are loving their lives in a not very healthy manner
They too suffer extreme depression
But do nothing about it
My father took his life
Just like that
Out a gun to his heart knew how to do it as he was a hunter
Iím one shot
All gone
And the pain he suffered gone just like that
Where are they all going
Why are we suffering the mental pain along with addiction
I am a recovering alcoholic over three decades
Young I was when I new I had a problem
It never went away
Many tomes I think how much easier it would be to pick up a drink
As it is my drug of choice
And having to be a slave to these meds Iím on
Hate it
I so hate it all
I wish I could feel the happiness I see some experience
What happened to us
Me

But the thought comes and goes
I hang in for what dear life
I live to raise my grandchild
As my body is failing me
I came to the conclusion I am qualified on so many levels
Why I wondered
Then it dawned on me
Am I being as I go through this life and all I have experienced so to give it away
Am I Heavenly Fathers helper
It is a lonely place to be
I have my Heavenly Father
my dignity
my self respect
I go through so much alone
Having cry every single day in sadness
aloneness
You may wonder
But she talks of Heavenly Father
I do
Even in the lonely life for me has to be for a reason
I look at the world around me
Being who I am
Standing my ground
Not getting involved with evilness
Something that goes on like turning the light switch off to on
And if your not part of that evilness your an outsider
You donít belong
And thatís okay
Iíd rather be on this side of the fence
So much pain so much sadness and the happiness short lived
I give what I know away
Just like my sobriety
I say to myself how can this body go through so much
I keep it to myself
I am told I look awesome
And I wonder to myself
How am I supposed to look
I hurts to wash my hair but I do
The lipstick Iím never without I struggle to put on as the hairs above my lip is getting thicker as time goes on I must trim it so so my lipstick doesnít get caught in it
Why not wax it you may ask yourself
Never did
Never will
I bleach it
I shower
Wash my hair
I make myself smell good
My granddaughter loves to smell me and use my perfume I mix myself
I put myself in clean clothes
I have come to learn
I make things look easy and itís not
It hurts
It hurts to put my foot down on the floor and stand
Yet I put one foot in front of the other
How am I supposed to look
Disheveled
Smelly
Greasy
Never
Never
Four children I have
They think because I do
Iím just fine
Well there are days Iím not
Days I hurt so badly mentally and physically
Most importantly spiritually
We all know what fine means
But make no mistake even in the times I need help most it isnít seen or understood and thatís makes me very sad
Very sad as much as I too have to treat my children like a drink or drug hurts
but I must
So I put it off for another day
And keep putting one foot in front of the other
As that day will come
Not at my hand
I have much pain healing
There is a little girl who still seeks a mother that still lives
But her life is and always has been
Regretting having us girls
And not knowing her grandchildren or her great granddaughter
Itís that little girl thatís been abandoned remembering at the age of two
Heavenly Father knows all
Right
We are given promises should we believe
I believe

Working overtime
Not a day
Not a single day goes by
Thinking will it ever get better
I keep to myself
Donít let anyone step on me
It has taken a toll
I donít want to give up
My mind tell me different
Devil working overtime
You would think the help would come from my children
What children I ask myself
Not that I will not puch myself
The point I push myself to breaking point
It has been what seems a long hard lonely life
Feelings
Just feelings
But consuming
Fighting it off has become a chore
Every single day
I look look real hard for the happiness
People so in a rush
Not like it was before the age of computers and social media
And person think thatís a life
Omg
When I was a kid I would have to finish many chores before going out and play
Ball
Go to the park
Manhunt with the children that lived nearby
The snow days were fun
There gone all gone
I just want to run away to the end of the earth and fall just drop
Oh the abyss
I can touch it
Itís right there
But I canít
I just canít
I have to take care of Eva whoís mother still gives me grief
Itís so lonely
All gone
Lonely

That were his last words to us before he took his life
A Hungarian wrote it phonetically

Dear family
I hope forgive what I did because I canít take it anymore because nobody respects me as a father
Whatever problem came up I get blame for it
And your mother blames me for everything
So the best thing to stay away of your life for good
I hope you understand my situation and always love
Daddy

She wanted to trash it but my baby sister came across several of his personal paperwork including his citizenship paper with his picture on it

Itís been a long time since I spoke to her
My mother
The woman who never wanted us
Makes her now ex husband she lives with his family and grandchildren her family
Me and my two younger sisters were each told how we werenít wanted
So many unanswered questions
So much sadness and pain to overcome
So sad

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