It's not a real dog's dinner, Ricky, but...

Ahead of the first episode of his latest C4 offering, Derek, Ricky Gervais claimed that releasing a new TV show was like ‘landing in Normandy and feeling the bullets rain down’.

Now, I’m not going to suggest Ricky has been spending a bit too much time in Hollywood, but does he seriously think he suffers for his art like World War II troops suffered on those beaches? It’s all very worrying.

The only reason Derek isn't the most schmaltzy and emotionally manipulative programme I've ever seen is because Simon Cowell got there first

But then, Ricky has been displaying a siege mentality lately that would make even Sir Alex Ferguson blush.

For someone who professes not to care what people think, he’s spending an awful lot of time on Twitter retweeting praise for Derek from starstruck followers who probably only tweeted in the first place in the hope that he would retweet it.

Stranger still, Ricky and his showbiz chums have decided the ‘knives are out’ in the industry, particularly among the nation’s TV critics. I’ve asked around and the general feedback is no such vendetta exists.

Sure, there is bemusement that Ricky appears to feel he has divine immunity from criticism – ironic really, given that when he’s feeling in a particularly trolling mood Ricky likes to tell people God doesn’t exist.

Most critics actually reacted fairly favourably to the pilot episode of Derek, which makes Ricky’s decision to come out fighting now all the more baffling.

Unless of course the bravado is a smokescreen to disguise the fact that a) Derek isn’t really that controversial and b) the full series isn’t really that good. It’s by no means the worst programme I have ever seen.

There are some gentle laughs to be had. Kerry Godliman is superb as Hannah, the hybrid of Tim and Dawn from The Office, who runs the care home.

And Karl Pilkington is fabulous at being Karl Pilkington in a bad wig as Dougie the caretaker. It is also refreshingly free of awkward celebrity cameos – although with Ricky’s track record we can’t rule out Michael Parkinson popping up in episode six trying to sell life insurance to the home’s OAP residents.

On the downside, the only reason it isn’t the most schmaltzy and emotionally manipulative programme I’ve ever seen is because Simon Cowell got there first.

And before anyone dismisses me as a hard-hearted cynic you should have seen me pretending I had something in my eye as David Attenborough exchanged honks and coos with that blind baby rhino at the end of Africa on Wednesday.

Derek though takes schmaltz too far. It’s basically a half-hour version of that pet charity campaign that featured a shaggy old dog shivering in the rain whimpering, ‘Nobody wants you when you’re old’.

But instead of appealing for cash, Ricky is seeking credit.

He’d love to be lauded for bravely tackling dangerous issues, when all he’s really doing is throwing up a series of fairly obvious and nauseatingly sentimental crowd-pleasers with a side order of mawkish piano music.

No one is going to knock him for saying kindness is magic, or standing up for autistic people, or being nice about old people, or giving da yoof a second chance, or raging against busybody council bureaucrats. But he’s hardly taxing himself – or us – here.

He’s writing by bumper sticker. And while it might be magical for Ricky’s ego if we were to continue to kindly avoid the massive elephant in that care home sitting room, I really can’t bring myself to do it.

Because the simple fact is this.

As well as being written by, performed by, directed by and edited by Ricky Gervais, Derek is also spoiled by him.

His hammy performance as Derek Noakes is the biggest letdown of the entire show.

Moreover, as a character, Derek is the least believable and least interesting thing in it.

If he didn’t show up in the second series I don’t think the show would suffer for it. I’d even go so far as to call any enforced absence a kindness.

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Over at BBC4’s latest music-based beard stroking session When Albums Ruled The World, Noel Gallagher shared his thoughts on the Sex Pistols seminal work Never Mind The B******s: ‘I’ve made ten albums, but I’d give them all up to have written that. And I’m an arrogant b******.’

Rumours abound that Simon Cowell will be taking part in a fake marriage for Comic Relief. Excellent idea.

All he needs to do now is find a dress that fits him.

Nothing lazy about these bones

Richard III: The King In The Car Park was the best documentary of the week

No surprise to see Channel 4’s ratings-chasing rascals once again exploiting a poor soul with a disability on Monday night.

Only this time I heartily approved. Richard III: The King In The Car Park was easily the best documentary of the week, if not the year so far.

Some historians may have felt Channel 4 didn’t show Richard enough respect, but I’d argue that the fact he was discovered under the car park used by Leicester social services kind of leant itself to a light approach.

Plus, the story was as much about one woman’s tireless pursuit of his bones as it was about their historical significance.

The moment Philippa Langley rushed out in tears at the sight of the old king’s reassembled skeleton laid out on a lab slab was TV gold, made even more golden by the stifled giggles of the more, shall we say, level-headed bone specialist Dr Jo Appleby.

For Philippa’s sake, I’m glad her find turned out to be Richard.

But even if the various scientific tests on his bones had proved inconclusive, I guess Channel 4 would have still got a new reality show out of it: The UnCarbonDateables.

PS. Most remarkable thing about the skeleton? It had been buried for 500 years yet still had better teeth than most of the contestants on The Jeremy Kyle Show.

Take Me Out, ITV, last night... 'If you're looking for a girl as orange as your jacket you've come to the right place'

Oh no not you again, Miss Jones

I know some viewers are still unsure about Room 101’s new three-guest format, but it’s steadily becoming my favourite TV panel show.

And it was great to see Cilla Black on there the other week after such a long absence from primetime TV.

Alex Jones railed against people who enjoy repeat viewings of movies because, 'Watching the same thing over and again is a waste of your life'

I refuse, however, to believe cruel rumours that to locate her the guest bookers used the same people who found the remains of Richard III.

This week’s star, though, was Alex Jones, who railed against people who enjoy repeat viewings of movies because, ‘Watching the same thing over and again is a waste of your life.’

Good job The One Show viewers don’t think like that.

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Television, eh? It’s like buses. You wait ages for one wonderful documentary about neurosurgeons to arrive and then two turn up in the same week.

Channel 5’s Brain Hospital: Saving Lives probably won’t receive the same coverage as BBC2’s Brain Doctors, but it is every bit as enthralling.

I must confess though that I have a soft spot for the latter’s incredible consultant Jay Jayamohan who likes to refer to the brain as ‘that blancmange’.

Not that he’s treated anyone whose brain literally consists of blancmange of course. He practises in Oxford. Not Essex.

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I had one recurring problem with BBC3’s new dating documentary The Year Of Making Love.

Here are some clues: ‘Can science really help you find a perfect match?’; ‘Science brought us together’; ‘Two people put together by science’; ‘Each couple has been selected by science’.

Yes, that’s right. Nobody ever really explained what this amazing ‘science’ was. It was as if they’d merely based the whole thing on a ‘likes and dislikes’ questionnaire and were too embarrassed to admit it.

NB. Obviously, I have no scientifi c evidence to back up that accusation....

On the slow train...

It was fitting that much of the opening episode of Stephen Poliakoff’s sumptuous jazz-themed drama Dancing On The Edge featured a host of characters partying on a train that was going nowhere in particular.

Because for the whole of that first episode – and most of the following night’s second episode – the plot wasn’t going anywhere, either.

For the whole of that first episode of Dancing On The Edge - and most of the following night's second episode - the plot wasn't going anywhere

Luckily something happened at the end of episode two, which means I’ll definitely be back for episode three.

Whether many other BBC2 viewers will stick with it for the rest of the journey remains to be seen.

Dive, dive, dive!

Foolishly buoyed perhaps by the fact that their celebrity diving nonsense Splash! pulled in reasonable ratings in the face of NO REAL COMPETITION WHATSOEVER, ITV’s giddy bosses have gone and ordered another series.

Show insiders have even let slip some of the names on their contestant wish list: Kelly Brook, Cheryl Cole and Louis Walsh.

Yeah, right. A tenner says we end up with Matthew Kelly, Norris Cole and Tommy Walsh.

She shoots, she scores

And forget Jim White getting understandably excited about going live to Norwich to hear from the angelic Kate Riley.

Because the real star of the first Sky Sports News transfer deadline day marathon of the year was, as ever, Natalie Sawyer.

The real star of the first Sky Sports News transfer deadline day marathon of the year was, as ever, Natalie Sawyer

If Jim is the swan’s legs going crazy under the water, Natalie is its pristine upper body, gliding gracefully through the madness.

She even dealt graciously with a cruel last-minute orangey curve ball that was tossed her way in the shape of pundit Simon Jordan, who was brought in to offer some insights into the wheeler-dealering but chose instead to admire his own presumed erudition for most of the evening.

Live TV can be a cruel mistress though, so I’m sure Natalie allowed herself a quiet smile as Jordan claimed QPR had adopted a ‘splatter gun’ approach to transfers.