Monday, April 29, 2013

Vol. 1, No. 3

ALIENATION

It's been around a year now, that Michael Bay had first threatened to make a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie with one minor change. Changing the heroes from Mutants to aliens. But fear not! Our longstanding nightmare has ended. But no one is saying why, just yet.

GUN CONTROL

Kent Hendrix, a forty-seven year-old Mormon bishop was one of several neighbors who came to the aid of a 35-year-old woman being attacked Tuesday morning. Hendrix was however barefoot and wielding a Samurai sword. Well there you go, proof you don't need military style, high-capacity guns to protect your house and family, there's no reason to not vote for that sensible gun registration bill now.

ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS

From our indefatigable sources, rumor has it Marvel will be expanding on both recent recent Spidey spectacles. Starting with the entire reboot of the Ultimate line with an entirely ethnic minority cast members, that's right all the main characters will be Black, Hispanic, Asian, Native American or other, no word yet on what will happen to existing characters of color. Maybe a White Falcon or White Storm? And already in the works depending on the success of the new Ultimate line, be prepared for Marvel to launch yet another alternative universe... "Fabulous" will an entirely gay line of books based on the exact same Marvel characters. Truly a house of ideas, that other people had back in the sixties. More details to come...

TRADING PLACES

As mentioned above, our indefatigable sources have heard Marvel will be expanding on both recent recent Spidey spectacles. Based on the success of Superior Spider-man. Marvel will be starting a new company wide crossover... SUPERIOR! Wherein Doc Ock was just the first arch-fiend to replace his longstanding foe. Yes the entire line of Marvel characters will be replaced with bad guys, but look out villains, one of the heroes isn't who you think! Could your one chance to finally defeat your arch nemesis be thwarted by one left-over Skrull!

And don't ask me how but the Hulk rides this one out off planet in his own crossover series where he takes a cue from the Green Lanterns and discovers his inner spectrum. Guest starring the new Brotherhood of Panthers, The Surfer Corps and the Spectrum of Witches. Truly a house of ideas, that other people had back in the sixties. More details to come...

A SPOILER SPOILER

Both Iron Man 3 and Star Trek 2 have had major plot points leak on the internet, mostly through reviews of international releases. So if you don't want these movies spoiled, especially the super secret villain of Star Trek that they have tried so hard to keep secret since the last film was still in theaters, SHUT OFF YOUR INTERNET, LOCK YOUR COMPUTER IN A CLOSET, DON'T WATCH TV, AND MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL ...

DON'T TALK TO PEOPLE. PEOPLE WILL TELL YOU BEFORE YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY ARE ABOUT TO SAY. THEY WILL NOT FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE YOU'VE KNOWN THEM, TELL YOU A STORY SLOWLY AND POINTLESSLY, THEY WILL NOT EVEN BURY THE LEAD, SO AS TO GIVE YOU EVEN THE SLIGHTEST CHANCE TO STOP THEM, all the info will be organized in the sentence completely backwards to any way you could have known to stop them, "Did you have change for a quarter? And Harry Mudd, would you believe is the super secret character from the original series they have brought in to be the villain in the new Trek film, they've been keeping this secret since the last one was still in theaters. Who would have ever guessed... Harcourt Fenton Mudd."

Maybe we shouldn't place the responsibility for spoiler warning in the hands of the speakers, maybe we who want spoiler warnings should just star out every conversation with "WARNING! NO SPOILERS OR I WILL KILL YOU. I haven't seen it yet, whatever it is..."

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