They have made
it far too easy to bash the Fifty Shades
of Grey film franchise, simply by deciding to adapt books that are absolute
garbage. The narrative itself is flawed from the very beginning, even more so
than the first film. Here’s where reviewing Fifty
Shades Darker gets tricky; while the filmmaking has noticeably improved
since the first outing, the story being adapted in the second book is even more
pointless than the first time around. There is virtually no plot, the
characters are poorly developed and often contradictory, and somehow even with
increased sex scenes it has become even more blandly forgettable.

We return to the
so-called romance between Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey (seriously, who
the hell thought these were good character names?), despite their separation at
the end of the first. After trying to accept the rules required by Christian
(Jamie Dornan), Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) realizes that she can’t handle the
fact that he is aroused by causing pain. Fifty
Shades Darker allows us a brief opening where the characters stay true to
how they were written, before both suddenly change their personalities.
Christian decides that he wants love instead of his typical sadistic abusive
relationships, and Anastasia suddenly becomes the initiator in many of the
S&M situations. How can this poorly written narrative justify their sudden
shift? It doesn’t have to, because this film is nothing more than a pathetic
fantasy narrative never even remotely grounded in reality.

The entire story
is as much about the unrealistic fantasy of a woman being able to fix a broken
bad boy as it is the sexual dynamic. In short, this is porn for lonely women
who would like to believe that they can find a damaged millionaire that only
wants them and is willing to change everything about themselves in order to
have a happily ever after. Porn is more realistic than these films, and I’m not
even talking about the sex scenes. This film not only wants to have its cake
and eat it too, it imagines the cake is also calorie-free and makes your shit
smell like roses.

The closest
thing to a story in this sequel is a sleazy boss (Eric Johnson) sexually
harassing Anastasia, which makes no sense considering he knows that she is
dating the tycoon who recently bought the company that they work for. The rest
of the film is about Christian learning not to be a possessive boyfriend
(because apparently that can be taught by a naïve 20-something near-virgin even
after decades building the habits), while also breaking down his emotional
walls to let Anastasia in. Sure, there is a red herring sub-plot involving the
possessive former women of Christian’s past, including a scorned lover and the
woman that taught him his sadomasochistic ways (played by a plastic Kim
Basinger), but none of this really goes anywhere. Even the development between
Anastasia and her boss is briefly covered, pushed to the side for the next and
last (thank GOD!) film in the series. At nearly two-hours (longer if watching the
extended cut), Fifty Shades Darker has too little plot for a 90-minute film. I’ve
seen porn with more of a story arc than this pathetic narrative.

The real reason
many people will likely see this film is the sex scenes, which are increased in
quantity while somehow getting a great deal tamer in actual content. I’m sure
there are those who are actually invested in the romance between these two
cardboard cutouts, but the elements of love are essentially carried by the
film’s soundtrack far more than the dialogue or any acting abilities of the
stars. The film at least attempts to shoehorn in some romance in-between the
vanilla sex scenes, even if it will likely only affect those already invested.
The unrated cut of the film may feature nearly 15-minutes more footage, but
there is only one additional sex scene and nothing new added to those existing.
Extended cut would be a far more appropriate way of classifying it, rather than
unrated. While it is true that this cut was never submitted for rating, there is
absolutely no doubt that it would still be a very flaccid R-rating. I had to
make a strong effort not to fast forward several times throughout this
uneventful and bland movie.

Exclusive to the
Blu-ray release are four generic featurettes, which are as melodramatic as the
film itself despite being just as dull. The title of this film itself should be
considered false advertising, as this sequel is no darker and certainly no
sexier than the cartoonish first. It simply goes down smoother because
audiences either expected the worst or don’t care about the quality as much as
their unrealistic fantasies being fulfilled onscreen as they never will be in
life. In addition to these four Blu-ray promotional pieces, there is another
with the cast and filmmaker praising their own film. Also included is a
30-second tease of the next film (although anyone who gives a rat’s ass likely
already knows what it will contain) and a 3-minute discussion with “author”
E.L. James discussing her “books.” The deleted scenes are no more than two
one-minute scenes that have absolutely no value whatsoever. This package also
comes with a digital copy, for those not too ashamed to watch this film on the
go or on a computer with the rest of the basic porn.