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Thursday, April 21, 2011

That’s all you hear as you wake up. You have no fucking idea where you are, but one thing’s for sure – you are naked. And wet. You slowly open your eyes, shuddering away from the light like one of Buffalo Bill’s girlfriends. You try to quickly piece the night together, but all you can vaguely remember is making some last ditch effort to bang some slam piece outside of the bar. Oh, that’s right! You suggested the trash pile behind the joint, but she said some bullshit about broken glass and shit, so you went back to her apartment. By the time you got there you must have been #142 Blacked the fuck out because now that you’re awake you can see there are fucking “My Little Ponies” everywhere. This bitch is a #158 Clinger. Or at least you thought so, until she showed up this morning with a shitload of cleaning supplies.

CLEAN IT UP YOU ASSHOLE!
That’s when you see what you’ve done. Apparently, you must have found her bed uncomfortable because you’re lying on the kitchen floor. Not only that, but it looks like you decided to make a little artwork on the walls, but since your slam piece was so rude and didn’t provide any art supplies, much less a fucking smock, you improvised and used your #36 piss and #48 vomit and just for that classy artistic touch, there’s some smashed wholesale relish bottles to complete the masterpiece. Now the bitch is fucking pissed and demanding you clean the art. Yeah, fucking right. You’re not doing shit. If that bitch didn’t want you to make her a fucking mural, she shouldn’t have invited you over to have sex after talking to you for 5 minutes. “Sorry, whatever your name is, but I’m just too hungover.” She immediately realizes she’s powerless. You’re a bro and hungover, therefore you have a free pass to do absolutely nothing for the rest of the fucking day.

You can always tell the fucking amateurs when they say shit like, “Oh I’m not drinking, don’t want to be hungover tomorrow!” Bros never fucking think about this shit. Bros wear their hangovers like an Indian wears a fucking scalp. Putting enough substances into your body that it doesn’t recover for like three days is about as bro as it fucking gets. And don’t fucking give me shit like, “Bros are immune to hangovers!” Yes, it is a fact that we are genetically perfect individuals, however even our bodies are not resistant to the magical power of alcohol. Here’s some of the greatest parts of hangovers:

Measure of How Drunk You Got: If there’s one thing we’ve learned, bros fucking love #1 talking about how wasted they got. But sometimes we gotta mix that shit up. Sometimes we can’t get the full understanding of just how wasted we got without talking about the aftermath. Sure you can tell people you took like 15 shots last night, but just to ram it home that you’re not making that shit up you can add on, “And I was fucking throwing up all day long.” This let’s people know that you’re not full of shit and you fucking love getting wasted.

Hangover Cures: While yes, it is fucking bro as shit to lie on the couch all day watching Comedy Central, every bro would rather get rid of the hangover. So naturally, since we’re smart as shit, we’ve come up with ways to beat it. These range from standard shit like Advil and Vitamin Water to disgusting ass stuff like some sort of crazy ass protein shake with eggs in it. But let’s be fucking honest, the best cure for a hangover is rolling over and giving your slam piece a good old fashioned railing.

Being Hungover at Inappropriate Places: Nothing stops bros from getting wasted. While bro haters might do some bullshit like “take it easy” the night before pointless events like their Mom’s funeral, bros aren’t gonna sacrifice a Friday Night. So needless to say, bros can get hungover as fuck in some pretty crazy places. Having your parents apologize to your entire extended family because you’re too hungover to even get out of the car is fucking bro as shit.

For hundreds of years, bro-haters have been spreading the fairy tale propaganda that drinking is bad for you. They try to warn us against the dangers of drinking, like liver disease, addiction, and hangovers. Well you know what I say to those bitches? I’m a fucking bro. My body is perfect, the only thing I’m addicted to is hanging out with my bros, and I fucking love hangovers. Hangovers exist to remind bros that even though we’re not completely invincible, we’re pretty fucking close.

My personal favorite inappropriate time to be hungover is when catching a flight. I live in California but go to school on the East Coast. Therefore, naturally before I leave the Best Coast I have to go out in a bang. Usually this means getting absolutely shit-canned and drunk driving home because I "need to make my 9am flight." Favorite bro hangover moment: telling my Mom to pull the car over as we rush to catch my flight so I can throw-up all over the side of the 405. Needless to say, I usually end up missing my flight which leads to round 2 of the goodbye party...proof that my inner bro is always looking out for my best interest, getting hammered.

Yo, best bro tip ever, take this shit called milk thistle. I keep a big bottle at my desk at work and a big bottle next to my bed. You can get it at any health food store. I swear by your left nut that it works. Take it before you go out, and definitely take it when you wake up hungover as shit. It literally cleans out your liver. You're fucking welcome.

My favorite part of this is that bro-haters = teatotalers would never have made it through the middle ages. When water everywhere was unsafe to drink, wine, ale and beer kept humanity alive. We come from a flock of bros and only recently has the invention of clean drinking water allowed for such silly ideas like bro-hating.Without bros, we wouldn't be here.

The worst hangovers come after a bender. Drinking the next morning doesn't cure a hangover it just postpones it til the next morning. This marathon Monday weekend I drank straight from Thursday to Monday. I just got out of bed around 3PM Wednesday. 5 days worth of hangovers hit me like a ton of bricks haha

Once I was so hungover that in the middle of my 1 on 1 meeting with my academic advisor about what my possible career path was going to be following graduation I stopped midsentence to throw up in her trashcan. I love being a bro.

Typically, I wake up still hammered from the night before cause bros go THAT hard. But since I am one of the smartest people in the world, I know a hangover is looming as soon as my drunk wears off. So, I quickly smoke as much marijuana as possible, drink water/gatorade until my bladder is about to burst, eat some spicy food, and empty the contents of my loins all over my slam piece's face. This will typically make life tolerable until I begin to drink again (5 minutes later).

You know it's been an awesome night when you wake up naked in an unfamiliar place. While abroad this winter I woke up naked and hungover in some fuckin sweet ass hotel room with two other bitches from the trip. Definitely one of the better nights of my life.

Vitamin B-Complex & like another Bro said before Milk Thistle. Take this before and the next morning after getting shitfaced. It will make life a little more bearable if you can't drink during the day because you have a fucking job.

Broskis this shit is unrelated to the topic at hand but it is so urgent that i needed to communicate it to you as quickly as possible. The fucking bras are trying to copy the pure gold that is this site. see the crime scene for yourself:

http://betcheslovethissite.com/

While they obviously fail, being endowed with neither the initiative nor creative intellect to execute the concept properly, it is nonetheless a serious encroachment on the sanctity of brodom.

My worst hangover was during my high school grad party. I went to the back of the hall and assed out on the table the entire party. My old man, who was a bro back in the day, totally covered for me saying I had the flu. That kept people from even bothering me. I woke up and everyone was cleaning up, I said 'lets get the fuck out of here, i gotta go drink in the woods tonight.' My pops went out, bought me a case and dropped me off at our chill spot right outside the woods.

Hangovers are the fucking best. Seriously theres nothing better than rolling off the couch at like 2 pm and wandering around the house until you find the rest of your bros. Hangovers are also a universally accepted excuse to get high as shit and go destroy an IHOP or Chipotle.Not to mention that the stupid hungover shit you do with your friends the next day is often almost as good as the drunken shit that got you so hungover in the first place.Worst hangover ever: puking at 10:30 in the morning behind the timing shed before a giant slalom race. If you aint skiing drunk, you aint skiing fast.

This weekend i woke up on some chiks bed, called my bro to come fucking get me at 730 AM. Got to his house, shotgunned a beer, drydocked their toilet, and called my other bro. Then we spent 6 hours shotgunning guiness in a pool hall talking shit. Bros 4 life!