Thursday, January 13, 2011

A little less anxiety, please

This post is about a week old, things have settled down a bit since I first wrote it

I have come the conclusion that late-stage pregnancy definitely messes with your head. I know, this is not new or surprising news.

Last night I spent an hour running around the house at 3 am, determined to assemble a tripod that we’re going to use when the baby arrives. Bailey thought it was a fun game, Chris was asleep, and I was frantic because I couldn’t find all the parts.

And this was after I spent an hour, laying awake in bed, furiously debating which corners of the nursery I should hang this little artsy banner-thing from. People, there are a total of four corners in the room, the banner is going to hang from two of them. Figuring this out should not take an hour of thought. Especially in the middle of the night. What’s even more depressing is that I never settled on my final two corners.

However, I would take the idle artwork pondering and the furious tripod hunting anyday over the paranoid ‘what-ifs’ that I’ve had with a vengeance. I’m not much of a worrier but for the last few months I’ve been beset by pretty intense fears about the coming days as a parent, primarily centered around my ability to care for a baby. Additionally, many of these nightmare scenarios involve losing Chris and having to go it alone - with a dependent, squalling infant in tow. You name it, I’ve thought about it: death, dibilitating illness, divorce, natural disaster….I’ve pondered just about every illogical, highly-unlikely scenario out there. They all seem shockingly possible in the wee, dark hours of the night.

These thoughts are disturbing on so many levels, the most significant being the contemplation of the loss of one's dearly-loved spouse. Not new thoughts - for me at any rate. As a child I had dreams about losing my parents. No matter how much confidence you have in yourself - and your ability as a strong, independent person, able to cope with life's challenges - the thought of losing those that are the most dear is the hardest to contemplate. The stuff of nightmares for sure.

The tragedy that this willamette alum experienced (and someone I knew very, very slightly) didn't exactly add to my peace of mind.

This part of pregnancy has been unsettling, to say the least. I want to return to my normal self again.