John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

“Is this what my life will be forever?” (Published 2/11/2014)

Q:

My son died 19 months ago tonight. How can I move on? I have cried for the last 19 months. I lost my husband and children because of grief. I am currently on meds but they don’t help a lot. How do I try to live without him. He was eight and so beautiful, and taken suddenly. Is this what my life will be forever?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Lucy,

Thanks for your note and questions.

We are more than saddened to hear of the death of your son, and that it

has been compounded by the loss of your family.

Grief piled on top of grief!

One problem is that if you don’t know how to deal with the first loss, you certainly don’t have the tools to help you with the other losses. Another is the drugs. Reading between the lines in relationship to your comment about the meds you’re on, we’d guess that while they may dull the pain a little, they don’t really make it go away.

As to how you go about “living without him” – the real issue is, how do you become emotionally complete in your relationship with him, in particular, to all the unrealized hopes, dreams, and expectations you had about his life and his future and your life with him. As you become emotionally complete, you will then have the possibility of moving on from the emotional paralysis we’d guess you’re stuck in.

And we want address our question, “Is this what my life will be forever?” Obviously we can’t answer that question, but we can say that we’ve heard it many thousands of times. So many grievers, trapped in how they’re feeling, don’t see that there’s any way they can ever feel differently. As you’ve already become aware, time hasn’t healed you, because time can’t do anything but go by, time doesn’t do anything. So even 19 months, and a million tears later, you may even feel like you’re getting worse, not better. If that’s how you feel, we can tell you that is really typical for many grievers, especially if they don’t know what to do to deal with their broken hearts.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. As you do, you’ll find the pain diminishing, and along with your mental health professional, you might be able to get off the meds. More importantly, that sense of having to live in pain forever will lift, and you may be able to create a life of meaning and value even though you can’t go back to the way it was.

At Tributes.com we believe that Every Life has a Story that deserves to be told and preserved.

Tributes.com is the online source for current local and national obituary news and a supportive community where friends and family can come together during times of loss and grieving to honor the memories of their loved ones with lasting personal tributes.