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One week is never enough to mourn the loss of a parent, yet that's what major league baseball grants as "bereavement leave."

Thus it was when Joseph Votto, Sr. passed away, Aug. 9, 2008, distraught Reds first baseman Joey Votto left to join his mother, Wendy, and three brothers sharing their grief back home in Brampton.

Votto has found out the hard way that the door of painful emotion has never been closed.

"I spoke to some doctors and they came to the conclusion that I was dealing with obviously being depressed," Votto said, speaking with candour of his serious emotional issues for the first time since going on the DL May 30 due to "stress."

"I was having panic attacks and they were overwhelming me to the point where I needed to go to the hospital on two separate occasions – once in San Diego and once that nobody had been told about. I went to the hospital in Cincinnati when the team was on the road. It was a very, very scary and crazy night where I had to call 911 at three or four in the morning. It was probably the scariest moment I had ever dealt with in my life."

Votto was dealing with feelings he had no control over, making his life as a major leaguer a confused, living hell. Since overcoming an early-season inner ear infection, three times he had been forced to leave games with debilitating stress symptoms that forced him onto the DL. He was hitting .357 at the time with eight home runs and 33 RBIs in 38 games.

"I would go on the field and do my best," Votto revealed. "I had my spurts here and there where I would play well, but going out on the field, I just couldn't do it anymore because I was so worn down physically. The stuff I was dealing with off the field finally seeped its way into the game and I just couldn't get out there.

"It's difficult to explain what it's like to go through it. If you've gone through it, anxiety or panic attacks, being depressed, I couldn't do my job. The days I was taken off the field were little miniature versions of what I was dealing with when I was by myself. Ever since, I have been really struggling with this in my private life."

Votto finally came to grips with his emotional problems only after seeing doctors, receiving treatment and therapy. His 52-year-old father had been mentor and friend. When he was alone in his room it ate him alive.

"He was a very important person," an emotional Votto said. "He would watch every single game. He was the first one to teach me how to play baseball. I played catch with him on a daily basis when we were growing up. He was a big fan. He was just in love with what I did. He was a great father to me."

When Votto returned to the Reds after the bereavement leave last August, he turned his performance up a notch, batting .343 with 10 homers and 31 RBIs in the final two months, finishing second to the Cubs' Geovany Soto as NL Rookie-of-the-Year. However, it has become clear the issues of his father's death were far from over.

"I wish I hadn't lost my father so young," Votto said. "I'm the oldest brother. I feel like I'm responsible for my family now. Maybe I have a proclivity for depression or anxiety, whatever it is, but I have dealt with, for me, abnormal circumstances being a major league ballplayer, a young ballplayer and also dealing with my father and my family."

Life sometimes comes full circle. Prior to last night's game, in front of the Reds dugout, the Star's GTA high school all-star team was honoured, sporting huge smiles, gazing with envy at the major leaguers on both sides of the field.

Seven years ago, Votto was one of those wide-eyed kids being introduced, the first baseman on the Star's high school all-star team. Last night, with the support of doctors, teammates and extended family he was back batting third for the Reds. For the 25-year-old from Etobicoke, it's now one step at a time.

"I really hadn't acknowledged how important it is to express the things I was dealing with," Votto said. "To have someone to talk to is really important. To be able to talk to someone and say this is what's going on, that's been the most important part."

The healing will clearly be ongoing. Votto struck out his first at-bat, but so what? Anyone who has experienced the overpowering emotion of losing a parent at a younger age was happy Votto was even able to find the courage to step up to the plate.

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