Zombie DJ:Had a guy come into our store and buy some Magic The Gathering cards. Came back 20 minutes later and needed a refund because...and I QUOTE: "Apparently we need the baby food more my wife said.".

As several noted upthread - miscarriages happen - and they suck. So don't blast it out to the universe until you hear the heartbeat.

"What to expect (first year and when expecting)" both reasonable books.

You have been imprinted in how to raise kids by your parents - some of that didn't go well. Monitor yourself and stop behaviors quickly that are not productive.

from our pediatrician: Kids survive childhood in spite of what we do - so relax.

Also as noted upthread - it flies by - my youngest is a HS Sr. And again - encourage them to be their own person (not who you want them to be) - so don't force them to play piano, play football, or whatever - and YOU get invovled in whatever they choose to pursue - you will not regret having that time together. I have spent countless hours in scouting for oldest - classical guitar events for middle - and horse riding for #3 (I did NONE of those in my younger days..

Don't overshceulde yoursleves or them - limit them to no more than 2 external activities at any one point in time - but make sure they are doing at least 1.

If there is any way at all to make it happen, one of your stay home and raise your kid. I am not saying that those who don't are bad parents - but I am saying that if you can make it happen - you will not regret it in the long run. You drive a crappier car and take less glitzy vacations, but your kids will know their parents better than the $10/hour "help".

At least for me - EVERY age (so far) has been more fun then the last - parenting young adults is a blast - especially when they ask for - then follow your advice.

When they have struggles in school or with others, go with them and teach them how to work through the struggle - don't just rescue them. They will emerge as mature, capable, confident leaders who can roll through adversity. Practice the conversation with them before you go in - and when the teacher starts talking to you - point out that you are there to support your child resolving this and ask them to talk to the student instead of to you.

Finally LOVE your kids. (and that does not mean you will always "feel" love for them - but LOVE them in the active and intentional sense of being there and supporting, encouraging, punishing, listening to, talking to, and living life w/ your kids. LOVE as a decision - not a feeling. And love their mother - the BEST gift you can give a child.

I took the opposite route- no breathing monitor. If your kid stops BREATHING in the middle of the night, that's nature weeding out the weak. I talked to them and encouraged them to keep breathing at all times.I beat them severely when they did dangerous and foolish things. Things like not breathing. That way I didn't have to do it often.I talked to them, later, when they had things to say, I listened to them. I never made a rule for my own convenience. Everything was done to serve their needs, but their needs involved not becoming a selfish sociopath, so behavior in that direction was greeted with severity. And still, even though they're 16 and 14 now and in High school, and both with aspirations toward college, I encourage them to breathe normally.

Understand that you WILL be late for EVERYTHING for at least the first year as you try to get into a rhythm with Junior.

Stated elsewhere, but I can't stress it enough... GET A CRIB MONITOR. We used one of the ones with the motion and audio sensor, and it gave us a fright once or twice when our daughter moved away from the center of the mattress, but ultimately it was more than worth the investment.

Stated elsewhere: STOCK UP ON DIAPERS. If someone's throwing you a baby shower and they ask what kind of cake you want, tell them a diaper cake... wait, scratch that. A *CLEAN* diaper cake. Because you never know with some people.

Get a good-quality diaper bag- no, get two, a big one and small one. Keep them fully stocked at all times. Make sure they're easy to spot from a distance; you will be seriously distracted for much of the first couple of years, so making things simple to identify and grab is one small thing you can do to help your own sanity.

Your life will be ruled by shiat and piss. Get used to it.

You will be covered in baby hork at some point. Get used to it.

If you have carpet over hardwood floors, give some serious thought to pulling up said carpet and leaving the hardwood floors... that makes it MUCH easier to clean baby vomit and pee accidents.

Stated elsewhere, cannot stress this enough: TRUST YOURSELF. If you care enough to be worried "Are we doing the right thing?", and you've made a decision based on what you know and what you've learned, go with it. It's hard at first, but you'll learn.

Let your child be who they are... introduce them to new things, but if they don't like it, don't force it.

When people tell you the time flies by, they are not kidding. Enjoy every hug and cuddle, and accept the occasional tantrum as the entry price to the greatest joy you will ever know- the love of your child.

There are other excellent pieces of advice in this thread, and while the Boobieser pretty much nailed it, I have my own two cents.

1) Responsibility. NowhereMon nailed it, and I will repeat it. Forget friends, hobbies, TV shows, sex, whatever, at least for the first month. It will be unlike anything you have ever experienced, probably second only to serving on the front lines in any sort of combat situation except without the friendly fire and death. The baby monitor becomes a Pavlovian device.

2) Banking sleep is a myth. My son ate every 4 hours around the clock, and with the wife sick with gallstones for the first three months, I was on overnight feeding duty for a long while and had to work a full time day job. You want to instead train yourself to take 20 minute power-naps. Hope you have bosses or co-workers who understand and won't mind if you nod off during a staff meeting.

3) Bodily functions become your world. I cured my germphobia within 2 weeks with copious amounts of vomitus, urine, feces and snot. If your kid goes on formula (my wife couldn't nurse, see #4 below) they will get constipated. Glycerine suppositories become your friend, but realize at that point that the BM now comes in stages ranging from the torpedo to the "incendiary poo grenade". Trust me, you will see things happen with crap you never thought were possible. On that note, always have a small package of wipes in your pockets at all times, keep it with your wallet and keys if necessary. Because I guarantee the day your kid's ass goes Old Faithful, you'll need it to clean up the mess.

4) As others have said, read books for general advice, but evolution has provided parental instincts for a reason. You will figure things out. Listen to the OB nurses because they've been there day in and day out when the docs haven't, but beyond that and other serious medical conditions, take all others with a casual nod. I guarantee a good 20-30% of post-partum depression comes from those La Leche farks and the attachment parents or whomever swoops down within hours to make you feel like a run-over dog turd for feeding your kid store-bought baby food or makes your wife feel completely inadequate if she's not pumping a gallon of milk per day because OMG YOU'RE STARVING YOUR CHILD YOU HEARTLESS BIATCH. You will make mistakes, you will do something wrong, but human infants are very resilient within a certain degree.

5) Unless religion stipulates, circumcision is your call. If you're a dad and you want your boy circumcised, sit through and observe it, tough guy...I think it should be a rite of passage. As they get older teach your boy child to wipe his ass and aim his pee hose and to wash his hands after putting them on testicles, nostrils or other places. Hygiene is a never-ending, always infuriating thing with kids, so keep on them at all times.

6) Dads, and I cannot stress this enough, the first 3-4 years of your child's life are irretrievable in terms of connecting with your child. You will not get those years back if you later decide to pick up around year 8 and think it'll all work out. That only happens in the movies. So bond with them, because you don't have the convenience of maternal biology to help you with it. Do overnight feedings, learn how to change a diaper properly, learn infant massage, give mom a break (a day spa treatment or professional pregnancy/post-pregnancy massage does wonders), and push the stroller like you give a damn. Like Robert Heinlein said, "Specialization is for insects."

7) Evaluate and read up on all possible childbirth contingencies. That epidural class you take that the hospital insists upon is completely worthless, as they do not tell you about the 10% of cases where your wife goes through convulsions or claustrophobia because it wasn't administered right or some other unforeseen reaction took place. All the Lamaze in the world is worthless when an emergency C-section is the call 20 minutes before delivery. Be prepared for anything.

8) If your baby looks to be delivered on or around their normal due date, buy a size below and at their expected size. Nothing sucks worse than driving in the snow in February because your newborn was too small for newborn baby clothes and everyone had preemies that week. Diapers are a toss up; unless you experience a direct allergic reaction, you don't have to buy the super ultra-ply, mega expensive diapers - you will go through more than you can count, and it's an utter waste of money to spend $0.25 on something a kid may wear, at best, 4 hours. If you change the diaper regularly and properly, the cheapo Wal-Mart brands do nicely. You do not need little glow-in-the dark or moisture-induced "wee-wee" stars to show up when your little guy drops a pint into his shorts. And just as you wouldn't want to sit in it for 2 hours until it's achieved "maximum absorptive capacity," don't do it to your kid.

9) Diaper Genie. If you must, forsake all other items on your shower list and make sure this and about 5 refills are listed. You will not believe how strongly old diaper stench permeates your home, and being able to hermetically seal it in a nice "string of pooearls" configuration will be a godsend.

10) Not everything is worthy of a farking ER visit. Bobby pins are amazing things. When your kid sticks a dried bean up their nose (and they will), a little baby oil and a bobby pin are great for popping that sucker right out. Ears probably need a specialist, though. My kid swallowed a link from one of those Italian charm bracelets and he was just fine. They will pull a Rambo on you and eat things that would make a billy goat puke, so take it in stride and steer them to the proper edibles.

11) Research your vehicles and the NTSB for car seat recalls; if you got one for the baby shower, register it immediately and check the NTSB website regularly, since it could be in recall just that quickly by the time the baby is born. Car seats are one of the more important items you will buy, and nothing sucks more than realizing your particular brand of car is a literal death trap for infants (I'm talking to you, 2000-era Pontiac Grand-Am). The car seats with detachable bases are excellent. Buy two.

12) Unless you're Anne Geddes, be prepared to take 20 exposures of film for every "good" shot. Get a fast camera/camcorder, because you'll need to be Quick-Draw McGraw to catch just the right moments. Children, much like technology, instinctively know when you are in a hurry and will punish you for it. Given proper maintenance, your child will provide many years of love and happiness to you and those around you. Congratulations, and welcome to the wonderful world of parenthood.

Buggar:Get a big carpet/upholstry steam cleaner. You will use it almost daily. Don't buy the cheapy one.

We have the LittleGreen ProHeat that has just been a great joy. Between two dogs and three kids, I've gotten to use it a lot and it replaced a big, stand-up jobbie that was a hand-me-down. So while I thoroughly recommend having a dog or two to clean up after your kids, the carpet cleaner is still a terrific investment.

Red King:NIXON YOU DOLT!!!!!: Don't tell anyone until around week 16. Miscarriages are a biatch.

Such good advise.

Good advice because then you don't have to explain to everyone you told that the baby died.Bad advice because then nobody knows why you're emotionally devastated.

Go on lots of dates while you can. You will be too tired for a long time after the baby comes, and if that isn't the problem, it's not uncommon for new moms have a hard time leaving their babies (especially if she's getting to be a housewife or has extended maternity leave). Nursing makes timing of dates harder in addition to mom worries. Try to roll with the punches. As irrational as it sounds for your wife to not like leaving the baby even with trusted family, I think it must be some sort of protection instinct, she might not totally be able to help the seeming paranoia. It will improve as the baby gets older.

Don't be afraid to let the baby cry it out, yes it sounds cruel, but it's not going to do any lasting damage, I promise. (Check on them still, you'll be able to figure out when they really do need checking on).

Don't buy name brand baby clothes, they grow so fast it's a total waste of money. They'll look cute even in the store brand stuff that's like $4-6 and they won't have time to wear it out, they might stain it before they could actually wear them out. You might even be able to find some good stuff at second hand stores, I have seen some specifically for baby clothes in my area.

The constant pee and poop and total dependency on you does end eventually and you will wistfully look back and think that your kiddo's getting too big even while totally enjoying the company of this awesome little person that's taken up space in your heart.

Enjoy your little one next June. Keep your camera/phone charged up, you will take tons of pictures.

one0nine:Stated elsewhere, but I can't stress it enough... GET A CRIB MONITOR. We used one of the ones with the motion and audio sensor, and it gave us a fright once or twice when our daughter moved away from the center of the mattress, but ultimately it was more than worth the investment.

Cybernetic:One night, at about 1:00 AM, one of my daughters woke up crying, sat up in her toddler bed, and puked all over herself and the bed. We got her in the tub and cleaned up, got the dirty sheets and jammies into the washer, made the bed, put fresh jammies on her, and got her back into bed...

Blueberries make it purple or almost black. This is normal but quite surprising the first few times.

DO NOT allow any fruit-tainted poopy diaper to spend ANY time fermenting in your car, or the smell of that fruit will forever become the smell of poop. Seriously: blueberries smell like poop to me now. :-(

Nightsweat:Amidala: Gwendolyn: If you are having a girl, be prepared to figure out how to get liquid poop out of a teeny tiny vagina. WHY DOES NO ONE TELL YOU THAT?

It is a very big adjustment and you're right, nobody tells new parents (or at least new dads) of this coming, mind-f*cking obstacle to overcome.

stovepipe:Cybernetic: One night, at about 1:00 AM, one of my daughters woke up crying, sat up in her toddler bed, and puked all over herself and the bed. We got her in the tub and cleaned up, got the dirty sheets and jammies into the washer, made the bed, put fresh jammies on her, and got her back into bed...

...just in time for her to puke all over herself and the bed, again.

Things like this will happen to you.

This happened to me last night so I'm getting a kick....

/4 times... ugh

Then the dog pukes because it started to eat the puke you were trying to clean up

(1) An entire industry exists to convince you that (a) you need a special expensive baby version of everything or else (b) your baby will die.

You can easily spend thousands of dollars extra on baby stuff just because marketeers have convinced you that you must. Even if you become keenly aware of how they pitch every stupid thing, and become careful with your pocketbook, you'll still look back when your kid is 3 and be amazed at how much you bought that you didn't need.

(2) You'll get a lot of important safety tips. One of them is bogus: that you must never, ever heat a baby bottle in the microwave.

This is because of "hot spots," i.e. because some idiots can't understand how microwaves work, and scald their kids. If you simply use common sense, there is no issue: take the top off (no need to microwave the nipple,) nuke it until warm, and then shake it after you take it out to even out the temperature. Test it on your wrist. What's the friggin problem here? You can also reduce the magnitude of hot spots by using the power level button.

The only risk of using a microwave is that at 3 in the morning, you're going to pull the bottle out of the microwave and the little lip on the glass turntable will *donk* the bottom of the bottle and splash the top part (the hottest part) in your face.

(3) You'll be told to stay away from any raw fruits or vegetables that grow on the ground, because bacteria. You can still eat this stuff at home if you just soak for 5 minutes in a big bowl of water with a tiny tiny bit of bleach---I mean like a tablespoon of bleach at most in a gallon of water.

You may think that's not a big deal, but let me tell you something: your wife wants salad. Give her a goddamn salad, and you're the goddamn superman batman.

(4) Peppermint tea eases nausea. Do not under any circumstances do anything but straight peppermint tea. None of that ginseng-gingko crap (not a good idea to feed a pregnant woman random herbs.)

You can just get plain peppermint tea at the grocery store in the non-snooty section. Buy it in teabag form so you can keep some in a purse, because you'll go to a coffee shop and ask for peppermint tea and the lady behind the counter will say, "well, we have this stuff with coriander and castoreum" and seriously what the Hell people?

(5) Another reason to stock up on cloth diapers is that your kid can use them as security blankets, and when he's crying at night because he needs his blankie and you can't find his blankie? Grab blankie number 2 from your stack of 50 identical blankies.

(6) People are stupid paranoid about your child's development. If your kid starts talking a little late, everyone will think the kid needs early intervention. Apparently non-scientists (and this includes pediatricians) look at an average age of language acquisition and think it's some kind of mandated deadline for non-retarded kids. How did we ever survive as a species before we carefully measured and averaged these things?

If you fall for this, your doctor will assign your kid to be evaluated (for free, but we still get letters from the insurance company saying that we owe $91 to some other party who never sends us a bill.) The evaluation is reassuring, because it shows you that your kid is perfectly normal, just not in the mood to speak yet. Then you get assigned a speech therapist whom your child will cheerfully ignore as she writes panicky notes about how your kid needs more therapy. Eventually the kid starts talking and everyone pats themselves on the back about what good a job they did.

stovepipe:Cybernetic: One night, at about 1:00 AM, one of my daughters woke up crying, sat up in her toddler bed, and puked all over herself and the bed. We got her in the tub and cleaned up, got the dirty sheets and jammies into the washer, made the bed, put fresh jammies on her, and got her back into bed...

...just in time for her to puke all over herself and the bed, again.

Things like this will happen to you.

This happened to me last night so I'm getting a kick....

/4 times... ugh

That happened to us just a couple weeks ago with our five year old. Except my wife's face was on the receiving end of the projectile both times. I only got hit by overspray.

Since you all are providing me with such specifics, I figure I can ask a couple questions, and outline my situation more clearly.

I've *always* wanted to be a stay-at-home dad. Ever since I figured out that technology could provide you with a career where you didn't have to go anywhere, it seemed to me to be the best plan. I get that we'll still have to utilize daycare, but everything all have said about "being there for your kids" and "spending time with them while they're little" well, that's my point. That's what I want to do.

As such, the wife will continue her job and be the "working" parent while I continue to do what I do, on my (the kid's) schedule- my work is the kind of thing that as long as it gets done in a timely fashion, it doesn't matter where or when it gets done. I expect this to be a huge boon to my early parenting days.

As far as sleep goes, I am a night person, while my wife is a morning/day person. I'm usually up till about 2-3am anyway, and she's usually up by about 530-6 after going to be around 10. Am I crazy in thinking this will also be very helpful?

My parents were very much of the "early education pays dividends later" childhood phases. I was Montessori schooled until about age 4 or 5, and was compelled to always be reading something; trips to the library to stock up on books for a week or two were fantastically common. I plan on this being the case in my household as well.

Speaking of my parents, they live in town, about 15 minutes away. I feel like my mom hasn't been enthused about the prospect of me having a child, but that's probably because it's "me", and not because she isn't excited about the next generation. I've already received flak from bro and sis about "not just dumping my kid on mom" (theoretical kid, this was months ago and they don't know yet, nobody does- except this thread) which was never my plan, but I am glad that I have familial support locally. Alongside this, my wife's BFF has a 6 month old, and she's been her "baby buddy" since birth- already has much experience and practice dealing with a fussy baby, and while I get that every kid is different, in my mind, this experience can't be a bad thing.

Bought a new ride at the beginning of the summer; the wife insisted it be a 4 door, so it is. I really don't wanna be a minivan/SUV type, and the wife doesn't either. What the child will do to the leather in my car is another story, but memories of puke being absorbed into cloth seats make me glad that's what I've got.

Realistically, it'll be the hanging out with friends that will be the hardest for me to let go, but who knows how I'll feel when the kid is extant, or more importantly, how they'll feel? Guess it's time to sober up and be an adult.

Guys: Is the whole "I am a wolf that will protect the den mother at all costs" feeling of overprotectiveness "a thing"? I've read about it many times, but nobody seems to be citing it here. Someone mentioned that everybody loves a pregnant woman and wants to touch their belly; even at this distance, I don't know if I'll be comfortable with that, and I fear I'll become actively hostile to others as the pregnancy progresses.

To the guy that said "this thread sucks, didn't know FARK was reddit lite", well, I posted it here for 3 reasons:

1. Redditors make Farkers look like....I dunno, a group of enlightened smart people.2. This was my first green, and I figured it was a shoo-in, given the FARK headline bait, and the extremely passionate discussions people have about kids and parenting. I was right! Thanks mods!3. I'm a FARKer, not a Redditor.

Thanks again, all. I'm saving this thread, and it's going to be the first document in my "things I don't wanna forget about my kid growing up" folder that many have suggested.

Everyone told us that our son would be ruined if we let him sleep in our bed. It's BS. For the first few months let the little one sleep in your bed. He/She will be fine. Just transition them after the first few months.

Make sure you really take care of your wife especially after the little one is born. Do small things for her and take the baby to try to get her out of the house some. I'm convinced that a lot of post-partum depression is caused by the poor mom going stir crazy at home for weeks on end.

Once the baby is a bit bigger don't be afraid to leave it with a trusted friend or family member. Make time for the wife. You'll both be happier.

At one point it will occur to you that maybe if you shake it hard enough it will stop making noise- don't act on that. Remove all carpet from your house. Don't read books on how to raise kids- do what you think is right. Just because your parents did something does not mean you have to do the same thing, you do have free will and all.

Just remember, someday you will miss all of this. When you are sitting there watching your kid graduate, get married, get sentenced, whatever, you will be saying to yourself "I wish my kid was still a baby and I could hold her and rock her to sleep just one more time."

1) invest in a second "base" for your baby's car seat so you can just leave one belted firmly in each car.

2) invest in cheap onesies. Occasionally babies can mysteriously crap their own weight and fill both the diaper and onesie. It's better to cut the onesie off with scissors and throw it away than drag a poop filled garment over the baby's head.

3) it's never too soon to start child-proofing the house even when the baby won't be crawling around for a long time.

4) baby stuff is expensive, start saving now. Like everything else, the cheap products fall apart, and the most expensive ones are for suckers. Spend time when you shop.

6) take lots of pictures, both alone and with family members. Sears and other photo places offer CDs of your photo sessions even if you don't get prints of all poses... it's worth the money to buy the disk. Every year send a backup disk of family photos to the grandparents in case something happens to your house. You can buy new things, but you can't get the photos back.

grinding_journalist:Guys: Is the whole "I am a wolf that will protect the den mother at all costs" feeling of overprotectiveness "a thing"

Not a guy, but yes. Hubby didn't really feel it kick in until the kids had popped out. After that he was supersonic if something went wrong. He jumped out of his shoes across the room to rescue a kidlet trying to dive off the sofa. Chances are she's going to be more hostile than you are. 'OMG DON'T TOUCH MY BELLY fark YOU OLD LADY'.