Brian Thompson: Who is this Mumford and what's the deal with his sons?

It seems our little city has been turned upside down by Mumford and Sons. Yet, many of you are asking just who is this Mumford guy and why are his sons going to jam up all the downtown streets?

So I put together some answers to frequently asked questions, along with tips to surviving the two-day Mumford and Sons concert.

l Which one is Mumford? And how does he stand touring with his children? My kids would drive me crazy! — Marcus Mumford is the English lead singer of the band, and he also plays several instruments, including the triangle. (Keep an ear out for a smokin’ triangle solo!) But the rest of the band are NOT his sons. In fact, I don’t even think they’re cousins. It’s just kind of a catchy band name. You know, like how The Beatles weren’t really … say … what the heck is a “beatle?”

l What kind of name is “Mumford?” How come I never hear of anyone named “Mumford” before? — Let’s be decent and accepting. Come on. What kind of name is “Smith” or “McGillicutty?” I once knew a guy named “Spankenheimer.” Mumford is probably British. Things are different across the pond. They eat bangers and mash, and they ask for a spot of tea during breaks. Show some hospitality. Wait until they leave before making fun of their name.

l If they’re British, how come they sound so American? — It’s the banjo. You could put a banjo in the Vienna Boys Choir and they would sound like ole’ fashion, moonshine swiggin’, biscuits and gravy eatin’ folk musicians. In fact, take the banjo out of Mumford and Sons and they sound like new age disco.

l Are Mumford and Sons related to “Sanford and Son?” — No, there is no connection to the 1970s hit TV sitcom. They do not live in a junkyard and they do not say things like “big dummy!”

l Will the concert be similar to a minor hurricane? — That’s a great analogy! And quite simply, yes. Look at the recommendations from law enforcement: Stock up on water and mini sausages in a can. Avoid driving if you can. Take shelter in a room with no windows. Have D batteries and an emergency radio nearby. Beware of screaming squalls. (I think they meant “fans,” but it’s really interchangeable.) So if you’re like me and live downtown, pull out your hurricane plan. This will be a great dry run in case of a real storm later this year.

l Watch out for Mumford and Son posers — You know, those people who hopped on the Mumford bandwagon last week, but want you to think they’ve been fans since the beginning. How do you spot them? Look for key warning signs: Anyone who says they fell in love with Mumford at Woodstock. Anyone who claims they had a drink with Mumford’s second son Archibald at the Casa Monica. Anyone who screams, “FREEBIRD!” during a set. These people should also not be trusted with your money or your children.

l What do you do if you bump into Mumford and Sons, say, at Target on the kitchen utensils aisle? — Just be cool. Act normal. Don’t curtsy or ask how the queen is. They may not know. Maybe ask how they’re enjoying our fine city, or if they mind that our football is so different from theirs. Whatever you do, don’t bring up the American Revolution. Sometimes that is still a sore subject with people.

l Do we have to talk all British and stuff? You know, like “tally ho, ole’ chap!” and “throw another shrimp on the barbie” and the “Yanks are coming!” — Um, the good people of Great Britain don’t actually talk like that. In fact, it could start a bar fight.

l Why did they come here? — Goodness only knows. We can only assume they wanted to catch up on their tans. That’s why everyone else comes here.

But they ARE here, people, and it’s pretty cool!

Just remember: Like all tropical storms, it’ll soon blow over. Then we can pick up the downed tree limbs and get back to our sleepy little lives. So have a spot of tea and enjoy a few hurricane sausages in a can.