Thursday, April 26, 2012

Day 10- Getting Others to Justify My Self-Abuse

While interacting with another person
I had to use extreme self-honesty to see what I was up to within my
communication with the person. I was talking about my ‘issues’ which I have
been alone with for quite some time now, in which I had no reference point but
my writing, which I was doing but I was ‘skirting’ the main issues. As I kept
it all ‘to myself’ these points built up inside of me. One was guilt about
something in my life, which was ‘weighing me down,’ another was fear, of an
upcoming event that I have to wait for, the outcome of which will have big
implications in my life. I was full of reasons to ‘feel bad’ and to not be
present in the moment but to instead worry and torment myself about these ‘big
issues’ that were bothering me.

I’m fortunate enough to have someone
in my life right now who I can talk to about this stuff and who will not put up
with my bullshit as excuses or justifications as to why I ‘should’ be feeling
bad, living with anxieties and fears etc… when I know better. He kept calling
me out and it was awesome, he was right. I had a lot of resistances to what he
was saying, so I knew he was hitting all the right spots. But I found myself,
in moments of unawareness, attempting to manipulate him, explain and justify
myself and my reasoning for why I was feeling certain ways about certain
things. I was fighting for myself to feel like shit, and I was trying to convince
him so that he would agree and I would be justified. That is messed up, this is
obviously a very destructive pattern which justifies an existence of guilt,
fear and anxiety for me. No thanks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
participate in the manipulations of myself and another being in order to
justify, excuse and validate my energetic emotional experiences of guilt, fear
and anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to
think/believe/perceive my external reality to be ‘too big,’ and ‘beyond my
control,’ thus allowing myself to be and become absolutely disempowered by it,
thus enslaving myself to my external reality instead of walking through
situations step by step, directing myself within self-honesty and honouring
myself until I am through.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
participate within and as the energetic emotional experiences of fear, guilt
and anxiety due to situations beyond my control, thus allowing my internal
experience to seem ‘beyond my control,’ which it is absolutely not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate
myself and others to justify the perception, idea or belief that my internal
experience is beyond my control, thus abdicating my self-responsibility to
direct myself, my world and my internal experience in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid
facing me within seemingly overwhelming situations instead of realizing that
the ‘overwhelming’ feeling is my own creation, it is not necessary, and it is
within my power to remain stable as I walk through any situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse
myself and others by using manipulation to justify my ‘misery’ instead of
calling myself out and taking my power back.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
participate in manipulation, justification, excuses and validation of my
reactions to events that are taking place outside of me.

I realize I am fully responsible for my internal experience,
and that includes maintaining self-honesty and self-movement within and through
all events in life, no matter how seemingly overwhelming or ‘big’ or ‘bad’ or ‘serious’,
because no matter what happens, I remain.

I realize that I am completely capable of taking my power
back from outside events and directing myself breath by breath through
situations or events in life.

I realize that I am capable of remaining self-honest when
communicating with other human beings, and that it is abusive to myself and the
other when I attempt to manipulate the conversation to justify my participation
in emotions such as fear guilt and anxiety. Why would I want to justify and
validate that anyways? It’s crazy.

When I see myself going into justifications, validation and excuses
when in conversation with another about my emotions I stop, and I breathe. I
bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that justification, validation
and excuses only serve to disempower me from actually directing myself within
and as my world. I stop my participation and allow myself to realize that which
I am feeling does not serve me, and I breathe until the energetic experience of
‘wanting to be right’ passes so that I can instead see the situation as
something that I can navigate through by directing myself in sef-honesty.

I commit myself to self-honesty by not participating in the
self-dishonest act of justifying, validating and making excuses for myself to
not face me.

I commit myself to reclaim my power, which I have given away
to external events which are beyond my control by reacting to them in energetic
emotion al experiences instead of directing myself through them as stability.

I commit myself to directing myself through events in life
within and as stability as self-honesty as life.

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About Me

Hi, my name is Kimberly Kline (nee Doubt). I stand for an Equal Money System- I stand for a dignified life for all beings and I will no longer accept or allow this system of human greed and self-interest that is causing suffering, starvation and abuse for the masses. Every 'solution' we have tried so far has failed- from the United Nations to the United Church. Individual self-change and leadership by example is where it's at. I humbly commit myself to this process and invite anyone who has respect for Life to join me and walk with me, beside me, as self-willed equals, until all are free from the global compromise humanity has created for itself.
Join Desteni for further discussions about world systems and humanity's place within them. Visit Desteni.org and Equalmoney.org.