Post by treblehoney on May 4, 2011 22:41:09 GMT -8

Hey all! Been lurking on these zany boards for a while now and thought maybe one of you fine people could help me out. I've attended the last 6 Sasquatches with my girlfriend and our lovely cat named Fish Magician. They were easily my most favorite memories from the last 10 years. We even snuck Fish Magician into the grounds back in '08, that was probably the best day of my life. Getting to enjoy the fest with the sun setting over the gorge with my two most favorite people in the world (I've had Fish Magician since I was 12, he is 20 yrs old now!).

Anyways, long story short my girlfriend of 9 years dumped me last week and sold her ticket for a profit on the internet (but don't worry I think I can still win her back, I have already reserved a place at a romantic restaurant in town for a surprise dinner. If it looks like it is going well I will prepose to her. I haven't got a ring yet or anything, but I think it's more of the thought that counts ). Sorry, I'll stop boring you with my personal life (which will be back in order in no time rest assured). The thing is she also took Fish Magician with her (and won't give him back!) which means I am all alone in our three bedroom house in which I am the sole name on the mortgage. Yikes! But just like when I was laid off at 30 by the company that encouraged me not worry about finishing college so I could take a full-time position with them and rise to the top of the "company belt sander" (which never even came close to happening, in fact I was demoted. Twice!), I like to view this as a challenge.

So without the only friends I know, I am going to Sasquatch! Yay!!!!! But, I would really like some company along the way. I guess now would be a good time to say I live in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, Planet Earth, Milky Way Galaxy (LOL). As part of being my travel companion you will receive many perks and be required to only fulfill a limited number of reasonable requests.

Perks:

- Do not worry about paying for gas! With the money I'm saving on not paying for cat food and cat pills I can afford it (with the money I'm not saving on paying the entire mortgage on a 3 bedroom house, I am just not thinking about it!)-Food! I make my own hummus and will provide the graham crackers for dipping!-Music! I love music. I have a CD player and you can bring CD's! (please try and be sure they do not contain too many swears. Nothing like the Offspring's Smash album for example).-Dancing! Ha ha that was a joke, but I do teach Samba dancing lessons every 3rd sunday of the month at a local community center (as long as the minimum attendance has been registered. Unfortunately I have not taught any classes yet.)-Did I mention free gas? I think that is a seller all by its self.

Reasonable Requests:

-The back part of my passenger seat broke a couple of years ago so you won't be able the lean back on anything (it's only a two seater too!). I drive really really really fast so your discomfort won't be as long as google maps would suggest.-Let me take one picture with you so I can show my girlfriend I am having lots of fun without her! -Finally, I will need you to sleep in the tent with me each night as I get severe "night terrors" when I don't sleep at home in my own bed. I can't stress how much I will need a second person in there to wake me up so I don't thrash around and break my vertebrates again. I have a big tent so it won't feel awkward with us being the only two in there and if I do happen to thrash a little I probably won't hit you.

Please PM me if you are in the Vancouver area and want free gas and lodging in Sasquatch as well as giving me probably the the best weekend I could ever ask for (considering) at this very moment.

If you can't help me out, please give a shout out to Fish Magician anyways. He'd love that!

Post by know ID yuh on May 4, 2011 23:58:11 GMT -8

That is truly a sad story. I applaud your effort for making the not so funny fucking hilarious though. That bit where you asked someone to sleep with you was top notch, A+ even. You might want to try craigslist personals, I hear horny people hang out there. If that doesn't work, try Eharmony.

Post by J. Walter Weatherman on May 5, 2011 0:33:27 GMT -8

Ok, in honor of this, next cat I get is going to be named fish magician. I think the biggest giveaway was the combo of saying you've been lurking for a long time, and then posting love for Biffy. Of all the things to say...