Father Jokes

A loaded SUV pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leapt from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."

The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

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My mother and I returned to my parents' house late one evening to find my father, my college-age brother, Steven, and my ten-year-old sister fast asleep.

Mom had forgotten her house keys, so we knocked loudly, first at the back door and then the front and side doors. We yelled my father's name over and over, with no answer. The car horn aroused the neighbors but no one at our house. We drove into town and phoned home, finally waking Steven.

When we got back, he let us in. Dad was in bed, snoring, with the television on. Mom quietly switched it off. Dad woke right up.

Many years ago before the days of cell phones and data, a friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance.

Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 45-foot, downhill putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?"

His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had printed, "I can make this putt."

His pals are still trying to collect on the bet; my grandfather is too.

*Laws Pertaining to Dessert*

For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.

But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert. But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.

To prepare for my daughter's First Communion, I called the church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of her baptismal certificate. We lived there for only a short while, so I didn't know the priest there well.

When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I told her that I couldn't remember.

After a brief silence, she chuckled and said, "Ma'am, I'm talking about the name of the baby's father."

A boy with a pea shooter, ran out of ammunition, and discovering a box of laxative pills, tried one in his blow gun. To his great joy, it fit.

There was a boarding house near by, and every Wednesday noon a big pan of custard was placed upon the window sill to cool. From his vantage point in the window of another house, the boy shot all the pills into the custard.

The boy soon found out that he was an expert marksman and the custom of custards on Wednesday quickly passed into history.