Month: August 2014

Reuters- Aug 19, 2014. In a decision that has stunned the world, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu declared in a public statement this morning that the state of Israel is “giving up.”

“We’ve had it”, declared the tired looking Prime Minister,” When our forefathers and mothers began returning to the land of Israel in the 19th century we were looking to escape pogroms and hatred. But since coming here it has been one continuous low scale pogrom. We have decided it’s time to go back into exile.”

Standing before a shocked international press gathering the Prime Minister said, “Really the people of Israel can no longer stand living in constant fear of rocket attacks, tractor attacks, knife attacks, suicide bombings, and constant calls from across the world to shun our products, our academics, and our artists.”

Rubbing his hand across his brow and rubbing his eyes the Prime Minister exhaled the words, “Enough.”

“It is not just the attacks against us”, the Prime Minister went on to say, “To quote Golda Meir, a former Israeli Prime Minister, ‘We can forgive you for killing our sons, but not for making our sons into killers.'”

Reports from Ramallah and Hebron showed Palestinians celebrating in the streets. Flags of a united Palestine with no Jewish state were being hoisted up on buildings. Shouts of “Allahu Akbar!” and “Free Palestine!” could be heard echoing in the streets.

Meanwhile several world leaders have declared their support for Jewish emigration from the Holy Land and said that their nations will look into ways to help absorb the more than 8 million Israeli refugees needing new homes abroad. Netanyahu has declared that no Jews will be allowed to stay in Palestine. “Left to make their own decision most would choose not to leave and thus be an obstacle to peace in the region”, he explained.

Celebrities as diverse as Jon Stewart, Russel Brand and Roger Waters have celebrated the decision of the Israeli government, although Waters expressed some concern about the effect of the Jewish influx in their new home countries.

The declaration has not stopped rocket attacks, however. Two hours after the decision was announced Hamas again broke the ceasefire, firing rockets into several regions of southern Israel. Fighting between Hamas and Fatah in the West Bank has also been reported.

“This will be a hard transition for all of us”, said Israeli President Reuven Rivlin. “We are hoping that the end of the unusual situation of Jewish statehood and the resumption of the previous status quo of wandering in exile amongst the Nations will restore peace.”