Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Hey...what's more fun than some potty humor?!! Yeah, yeah, I'm working on your requests and I'll get to them soon. Meanwhile, let's just drop right in to that gutter...

Ever notice that early in a relationship you have to work hard not to fart with noise? That’s right; it’s all covert smooth farting. The key is the initial release. If you can get by that one without a reverberation that sounds like your dragging a baseball bat across a metal picket fence then you’re home free. You’re free to push 12 kilowatts of methane out of your butt without ever being caught. Ok…if a smell goes with it you’ll have to use a clever diversion tactic…”Look honey, a clothing sale where everything is 70% off…” or something like that. But you miss that initial release and start sounding like a Harley needing a tune up and your gig is up. Busted. Embarrassed. Yes, it’s a dating prerequisite and the sooner you master it, the better off you’ll be.

You know…this calls for a song parody. I usually save those for the side panel but this one is special. It’s another take on Simon and Garfunkel’s “The Sound of Silence”…

Hello background noises, my old friendYou’ve come to cover for me againBecause a fart is seriously brewingLeft its seeds before I knew what it was doingAnd the bubbles planted in butt won’t be ceasedUntil releasedWith the sound of silence

In crowded company I held it inTrying to maintain an innocent grinIn the corner behind the floor lampI finally gave in when my butt got dampWhen my butt exploded like a sonic boomAn embarrassing doomThat filled the roomBut lucked out with the sound of silence

And in the after stench I did seeA hundred people just like mePeople farting without blowingPeople smelling without knowingPeople making efforts at diverting blameIt’s all a gameWith the sound of silence

Fools said I, you do not knowSilence hides a stink that does growHear my words that I might teach youI’ll plug my nose so I might reach youBut my words like silent raindrops fell,It was the smellFrom the sounds of silence

And the people’s bowels they were betrayedA reverberating noise they madeThe sound clearly flashed out its warningMade it clear what had been formingAnd the sound that erupted made it clearJust what was going on hereAfter too much beerAnd no sounds of silence.

That is awesome. For me, instant fart= Target's DVD section. I cannot explain it or understand it, but everytime I go to Target and enter the DVD section, I let one go that forces me to leave the section and not buy anything. Maybe my butt is protecting my bank account.

sarah - That's very true! And if you had stayed past the bazillion credits you'd have caught a preview of another segment of the movie (or perhaps a different movie). I got tipped before the movie luckily.

kan - That's just too funny. I feel sorry for the Target employees over there. They probably have Wanted posters of you behind the counters!

When I was in Choir (don’t make fun of me, remember I went to catholic school so I either had to take Choir or Prayer. Easy choice since we did have *concerts* for which I was excused from ALLOT of classes to go *perform*. So there!) This was one of the songs we sang. I wish I would have known you back then and you had come up with this awesome parody. Maybe I wouldn’t have played Twisted Sister’s “we’re not gonna take it” over the loudspeakers instead of Pater Noster. I might have gotten in less trouble if I’d sang your parody.

Also, my brother in law would wait until he was in the car then light a cigarette and put up the volume on the radio. His girlfriend never suspected a thing.And! My hubs and I have never passed the stinky infront of each other. We’ve been together 11 years.

You're so silly. I didn't say "don't fart!" I said don't do it in front of people! :)

Reminds me of the old Steve Martin response when someone asks if he minds if they smoke. "Do you mind if I fart?"

Here's a fun story. A little boy of age three who was being potty trained by his mother were visiting my home when she took him in to the bathroom. The door was open so we could hear their conversation. They were just doing the usual potty room chat and when he pulled down his pants, he let out a little fart and then said, "Mama! My hole make a noise?!"

I agree. I think fart noise is the ultimate relationship barometer of how comfortable you are with each other. You know you're truly comfortable with each other when you can just let 'em rip without embarrassment.

I remember the first time my then-girlfriend farted. It was dead silent in the house and we were looking through CDs and, bam, there it was. No apologies, no look of shame. Just fart, resonating across the hardwood floors.

I dunno, like I’ve said, my hubs and I have been together 11 years and we are very comfortable with each other but he respects the fact that I don’t want him polluting my senses with his butt wind. I guess it all depends on each individual’s relationship with their loved ones.

I don't know what you're talking about. I don't fart. And if I did, it would smell like cotton candy and multi colored sparkles would come out of my butt as a chorus of angels played the trumpet to some lovely pastorale type ditty... but I don't fart.

This reminds me that my father told me once, after asking me to pull his finger (shut up, I was very little and always obeyed my father - it's a commandment for Christ's sake) that he had seen a headstone with the following inscription:

Oh man. When we were first dating, my husband and I had the fart talk and he told me he'd know we were truly in love when one of us just let it go in front of the other. A week later, I don't know where it came from--I just ripped a fierce one. It was totally premature, but my husband took it as a sign of true love, farted himself, and we've been together ever since. Pffft.

VE's Serious Side

Latest Parody

What was is no longer what is

Back in the day when people blogged, I kept track of everyone that bothered to comment. Of course, nobody blogs anymore (okay, the couple of you that still do, you're like the "Road Warrior") so I have removed the blog roll sections.