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On bodies.

Well hello. Prepare yourself for a lot of motivational stuff. Because I’m going to come back and look at this post whenever I need to.

I need to admit something.

I hate my body.

Whomp, there it is.

I’m not going to put any pictures up on this post to illustrate what exactly I don’t like, but. I hate it. I’ve never hated it so much before.

I saw a photo of myself last week where I genuinely thought to myself – That’s the “before” shot on my “weight loss triumph” tumblr post. I was genuinely dismayed. I’ve been lying to myself for quite a long time that it wasn’t that bad. It’s kinda bad.

I kinda like… my shoulders and arms. And my face. And my boobs are okay. Then from the knees down – not bad. Everything else? meh.

I try to tell myself that my body is strong, functioning, worthwhile and has so much use, but I struggle most days to see it. I look for the most comfortable dress to put over leggings and hide everything I can. And I’ve spent several months focusing on the positives like my hair and getting really comfortable with my own face in the mirror (hello, pretty lady!), which I thought would help with body positivity, but stress has lead to me just ignoring any consequences and eating, well, anything in sight.

I’m not writing this post to receive a bunch of comments telling me my body is fine. I appreciate the sentiment and the love behind it, but it’s not helpful, so please don’t. I don’t need to hear that I’m fine the way I am or that I am not “fat” or big enough to worry. Please don’t negate my feelings. I also don’t need advice on how you think I should fix it: I have a lot of such knowledge already. I collect such knowledge (nerd). I am writing this to tell you my true and angsty feelings, here. I am so hard on myself. I make myself feel like too much of a failure.

We’re all too hard on ourselves.

I want to be thin and fit again. Feel lean and strong. I want to feel confident when I get dressed every day. We all hear so much day-to-day about how the media/patriarchy/people around us have brainwashed us into believing skinny is good, and I understand why I feel this pressure to be smaller and how I got this idea into my brain, but that doesn’t help me suddenly like what I look like. And it’s not like the vanity aspect is the whole issue – I am not particularly healthy. And I no longer fit 80% of my wardrobe (with any comfort), which kinda scares me.

I have never been this big. And it’s not overall curviness, it’s genuine… pudge due to my terrible diet, mostly around my stomach. I live in fear of someone asking me when I’m “due”. I cannot sit down in jeans without throwing something across my stomach or hoping my baggy top (also rather unflattering) will hide it. I tilt my head like a crazy person to try and be okay with photos of me, and embarrassingly, have started to hide from photos. All (full-length) photos of me lately have made me want to cry a little.

It’s really easy to tell everyone how to lose weight. Calories out vs. calories in, right? I know sticking to a set routine is what works for me and that at 5’2″, I hold onto weight pretty well and show every single new kilogram. I know what my weaknesses and failings are. And I know that outside factors have played a huge part in all of this – working 2 jobs for 3 months, getting the album finished, buying a house… these are all to blame. They are wonderful experiences (except maybe the 2 jobs thing), but they have lead to a lot of binge-eating (often without even realising until much later).

But. The point of this post is that while I feel this way, I want to be better. I will be better. This is only temporary. And I know I need to be kinder to myself – we all slip and fail sometimes. Many of us have woken from a stress-addled haze 6 months later to realise a change needs to be made, and most of us have looked in the mirror at some point and hated ourselves. It just can’t be every day anymore.

And my internal monologue will definitely need to change. Hating a problem doesn’t fix it, it only makes me miserable. Onwards and upwards.

So, I pledge to you:

– I will be kind to myself and tell myself I can achieve what I want to achieve

– I will take genuine steps to manage my stress better and not let life overwhelm me

– I will take small steps back to eating the healthy diet I used to eat

– I will start (slowly) re-establishing my fitness routine

– I will not weigh myself, but judge how I feel in my clothes

– I will not strive to achieve a goal by a set time (though my 30th birthday would be nice!), but aim to make the daily changes that lead me to my goals and change my lifestyle

– I will not lament how slow things change – you cannot put anything off as it “will take so long” as that time will pass by anyway

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7 thoughts on “On bodies.”

A big ME TOO to everything you just wrote. I’m in the exact same spot you are and I flip from not caring and stuffing my face with candy to being really motivated to change my ways. But then I never do because I’m incredibly lazy. It’s a vicious cycle that I want to break but I’m still searching for the thing that will finally motivate me to do it (and believe me, I’ve tried everything!).

Kat, the best thing about this post is that to me, it seems like you have hit your ‘breaking point’. I think that many of us (me included) have gone around in circles with the trying, failing, getting fatter; trying, failing, getting fatter and hating ourselves more; trying, failing, getting fatter, hating ourselves more and being utterly miserable cycle…until something really truly breaks. It’s that point where you stand up and say you know what, no matter HOW I feel, no matter HOW MANY times I fail, no matter how HARD it is – I can and I will do this.

My personal breaking point was in 2010. I was sitting over 80kgs (and being 5″2 as well I know that every kilo counts on a small frame) and utterly miserable. Nothing seemed to work at all for me. Cue complete meltdown and breaking point. Strangely enough my day to day now includes all of the things I used to hate and despise because I was so bad at them – healthy eating, exercise, motivation. How 3 small years can change you.

I think your idea of one small change at a time is awesome, and I’m thikning of you on your quest xx