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Legitimate Murders: The Body Has A Way Of Shutting Them Down

LEXINGTON, KY-

Multiple female students have been claiming alleged murder on campus recently. Kelly Liarson, Sarah Misinterpretation, and Maria Forgery “narrowly escaped death” by gunshot on Friday afternoon outside of the 90 while openly flaunting their non-bulletproof clothing and the fact that they were unarmed.

Victims were taken to University Hospital after the incident, but when they entered the emergency room, university doctors told them to “stop complaining” and to “respect yourselves more if you don’t want to be murdered.” They were prescribed cough medicine and were told to come back when they had a “real problem” such as the common cold.

The alleged shooter is a star football player with an amazing 1.7 GPA. This student, who won’t be named to protect his privacy and reputation, was sighted on the 90 premises with his loaded gun. Women nearby the crime scene reported the alleged murderer to have been screaming “I hate all women, die, die, DIE!” but who can really believe that this sentiment was sincere? Men at the scene reported to have heard these threats, but claimed that it was nothing out of the ordinary and that women need to be able to take a murder joke every once in awhile.

“Who can really take their claims seriously? I mean it’s just attempted murder we’re talking about here, not something important like the university’s reputation,” University President Crapilootoo stated. “It’s no big deal! The girls should have expected an attempted murder at some point over their four years here, that’s just part of the college experience.”

The girls will be suspended for their false claims while our beloved athlete will receive a settlement of $50,000 out of tuition money to compensate for his damaged reputation.