Article 4071 of rec.humor.funny:
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: Computer Science Undergraduate Association, UC Berkeley
From: john@soda.berkeley.edu (John Morgan Salomon)
Subject: Hamster Power
Keywords: chuckle, animals, physics, original
Date: Tue, 17 Jan 95 19:30:02 EST
Lines: 174
The following should be credited to the UC Berkeley CSUA. I left a
world-writeable file in my account and waited to see what people would put
in it...
42 ways to get electric power from hamsters
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1. Stick copper and zinc electrode-needles in opposite ends of hamster.
Use in series for higher voltage. -gwh
2. Shove them back and forth in Richard Gere's butt. Creates static
electricity.
3. Go to Radio Chack and offer them the hamster in exchange for two AAA
batteries.
4. Attach the hamster to a hand-crank generator and then drop it onto a
trampoline.
5. Ignite in large numbers. Use heat released to drive steam turbine.
6. Kidnap and threaten to torture. Extort ransom from animal-rights activists
and other anti-cruelty types: demand payment in the form of electric
current.
7. Drop hamsters from great heights. Use water-mill like turbine to
generate electricity.
8. Drop large numbers of hamsters into tar pit, wait a few million years,
drill for crude oil at same location to run electric turbine.
9. Cold Fusion -> Steam Turbine. No explanation necessary. -seano
10. Any form of neutron capture / beta emission. -seano
11. Convince hamsters they're really lemmings. Show cliff to hamsters.
Install turbine halfway down cliff.
12. Densely pack hamsters into flywheel shape. Spin rapidly. Attach
generator.
13. Put hamster on electricity-generating treadmill. Feed back small
portion of generated electricity into hamster brain pleasure
center. Watch him generate his little heart out!
14. Seal large quantity of hamsters in air tight holding tanks. Add
water. Allow suitable time to pass for decomposition. Collect
methane gas resulting. Put gas in fuel cells.
15. Smush mucho hamsters in a trough, use the drippings/blood to run a
waterwheel for hydroelectric power.
16. Give hamsters lots of shitty beer. Use piss and vomit to run
hydroelectric generator.
17. Skin hamster. Melt animal fat into tallow and then form candles.
Heat steam turbine.
18. Switch hamsters for P6 chips coming of Intel assembly lines.
Saved electricity will be enormous. Cover performance loss by
releasing new version of Windows NT at the same time. -gwh
19. Build glass room. Put hamsters inside. Put cocaine inside.
Ground the floor and attach negative leads to the ceiling. -gwh
20. Have hamster steal one of kube's magic cards. Leech power from
resulting nuclear strike.
21. Teach hamsters to play blackjack. Once they're at the competitive
level, convince Las Vegas hotel owners to convert to serving hamsters.
Saved electricity from smaller lights, hotels, etc. -gwh
22. Accumulate enough hamsters that the self-gravitational force causes
the mass to shrink and heat up. Use thermocouples to generate energy. -gwh
23. Raid PG&E corporate headquarters. Threaten to drop hamster down
CEO's pants unless he gives you a power plant. -gwh
24. Get several dozen hamsters. Shoot them up with crystal meth. Attach
dog sled.
25. (This is, undoubtedly, the way to get the most power from them)
Combine the hamster with an equal mass of antimatter -- a anti-hamster
if you will. Then harness the massive energy release for power....
26. Have the Emperor warp and twist a hamster clone into an evil Anti-Hamster,
Darth Hamster. This should be good for 4-6 sequels. Install tension to
electricity converters into theatre. -gwh
27. a. Find a _good_ genetic engineer.
b. Splice appropriate genes from electric eels into hamsters, because
they're smaller and cuter and, well, hamsters.
c. Feed the hamsters.
d. Surgically install appropriate electrodes.
e. Periodically drain off the voltage.
Unfortunately, this only gets you DC current.
P.S. How could I have been so blind? Splice in genes from blue-green algae as
well, and you wouldn't even have to feed the hamsters! (Well, maybe some
posphorous and iron and stuff)
28. Mail the electric company a dead hamster every day until they give you
power for free.
29. Crossbreed hamster with Mothra and use resulting giant mutant lightning-
breathing hamster as power source.
30. Give the hamster to Scotty, he'll find some way to yeild 20% more power
from the dilithium crystals.
31. Take thousands of hamsters into orbit -- when the orbit decays, they will
heat up the atmosphere. With enough hamsters, you could raise the
planets temperature as much as you want.
32. Pull the hamster out of root@soda's ass. Then when they turn red &
embarrassed, use the heat from their red face to drive a Carnot engine
33. Emmass enormous quantities of hamsters until it reaches enough mass to
begin hamsterfusion in the core. Use solar cells to convert radioation
to electricity. - seano
34. Throw in more hamsters to 33 (above) until the hamsterstar goes
supernova... you couldn't want any more energy than that...
35. Repeat 34 with another mass of hamsters... spin the resulting
neutron-hamsters around each other in a binary orbit... use gravity
waves to rotate hydro-turbine.
36. Take five or six hits of acid. Tell yourself very firmly that hamsters
_are_ electricity. (Well, they've got lots of electrons in them, yes?)
Acquire hamsters however you choose; "operationally", you've now got
electricity.
(I say "five or six hits", because I find that things which were perfectly
clear to me after _one_ hit, e.g., that the word "Krups" is actually an
make onomatopeiac piece of German slang for an unprintable Viennese
practice, make absolutely no sense afterwards; and Leary used to take five
hits or so. QED.)
37. Give them little magnetic collars, and run them through a maze of coiled
wires.
38. Reduce hamster to their component atoms. Compress the resulting plasma
until it fuses. Transfer the released energy via heat/engine or energy
conversion scheme of your choice. -ERic
39. Take two hamsters, run one through a klein bottle to convert it to anti-
matter. Combine the first hamster with the anti-hamster. Harness the
resultant massive burst of energy as per #38 above. -ERic
40. Drop hamster into black hole. Use photovoltaics to release the radiated
energy. -Eric
41. It is a well-known result of quantum field theory that all fields are
symmetric under the combined action of time-reversal, charge-conjugation
and parity-inversion operators: the familiar TCP symmetry. It is trivial
to show that time reversal and charge conjugation both take fermions into
their anti-particles. Use this to show that plucking hamsters from mirrors
will produce beaucoup electromagnetic radiation. (Hint: Do you need to
pull the hamsters out of the mirror _going_backwards_in_time_?)
Ref: J. J. Sakurai, _Adv. Quan. Mech._
42. Put female hamster scent on glass rod. Release male hamster. He will
try to rub his furry coat against glass rod. Drawback: only creates
static electricty.