Ask Chris #100: The One Hundred Question Spectacular

Here at ComicsAlliance, we value our readership and are always open to what the masses of Internet readers have to say. That’s why every week, Senior Writer Chris Sims puts his comics culture knowledge to the test as he responds to your reader questions!

This week, we reach a milestone. With this column, I’ve written One Hundred Installments of Ask Chris — plus the occasional fill-in or terrifying gypsy curse. So to celebrate, I’m doing away with my usual longwinded format and going the distance and answering One Hundred Reader Questions in a single column!

Let’s get to it!1. If you could have 100 of any one thing other than wishes or Batmen, what would you want 100 of? –@tobascodagama

A: I’d say “winning lottery tickets,” but I’ve read enough stories with ironic twist endings to know that they’d probably end up getting me into a hundred Shirley Jackson’s The Lotterys or something, and unless this year’s Hunger Games are being competed via Super Smash Bros. Melee, I’m not really suited for it. So I’ll just go ahead and go with “hundred dollar bills.”

A: I’m a huge Steve Dillon fan, especially with the way he draws Frank’s permanent scowl, but Mike Zeck’s definitely up there too, particularly the covers where he went with a huge, over-the-top Men’s Adventure style. They both draw a Frank Castle who looks like he will just destroy you and not think twice about it.

3. What comic book character do you think represents the biggest waste of potential? — spudsfan

A: Hands down, Nyssa al-Ghul, the daughter of Ra’s al-Ghul that was introduced by Greg Rucka and Klaus Janson in Batman: Death and the Maidens. The idea of Ra’s dying and being replaced by someone even more sinister who was motivated not by twisted altruism but by pure hate and a desire for revenge, and who lacked Ra’s's respect for Batman was a great setup, but nobody ever did anything with her. She was introduced, she took over for Ra’s when he died, and then she died off-panel as the result of a car bomb — a car bomb! — in an issue of Robin to explain why Cassandra Cain was leading the League of Assassins.

6. Why on Earth isn’t Untold Legend of the Batman still in print, being given away on Free Comic Book Day, air-dropped over elementary schools like propaganda leaflets, anything to get it into the hands of kids? If it’s not the official textbook of Intro to Batmanology 101, it ought to be. — Jeff, via email

A: I agree with you 100%.

I loveUntold Legend of the Batman. In fact, if you look back at any of the Ask Chris columns where I talk about Batman’s origin — which would be, you know, most of them — the panels I use to illustrate it usually come from that comic. I had it in a few different formats as a kid — including the first issue that came with an awesomely melodramatic audio version on cassette tape — and even though it dabbles in wierd Silver Age continuity like Bruce being raised by Joe Chill’s mother and wearing the Robin costume as a kid, it’s one of the major reasons why I learned to love both Batman himself and learning things about Batman.

I had the Mass Market Paperback version pictured above, too, and while I know it was in print as recently as a few years ago, I’ll never be able to figure out why Untold Legend — and Elliot S! Maggin’s Superman novels, for that matter — isn’t one of the books DC keeps around just to give kids a cheap way to get hooked on Batman. It certainly worked on me.

7. If you had free range to make the next Batman cartoon, for kids, what would it be like? Style, villains, friends etc? – thenoirguy

A: Honestly, I’d like to see something along the lines of Scooby-Doo: Mystery Inc., or even Avatar: The Last Airbender. Not in terms of wacky plots or talking animals, but in the way that it’s structured so that the individual episodes are adventures that build a larger, season-long mystery. I’d love to see something with the aesthetics and sophistication of Batman: The Animated Series and the willingness to draw from continuity and introduce new characters that you got with Brave and the Bold, used in a setting where Batman would be uncovering a massive plot by Ra’s al-Ghul or Rupert Thorne or the Joker for an entire season.

8. Who has more followers on the DCU equivalent of Twitter: Batman, Superman, Joker, or Luthor? — asrivkin

A: I’m going to go with the Joker on this one, but I feel like his account would be a lot like @Horse_ebooks, in that you’d mostly just see retweets from people letting you know to stay the hell away from Downtown Gotham tonight.

9. What is the most ridiculous example of a guest star in comic history? — ubertenorman

A:

10. What do you consider the best of the titles Kirby created for Marvel in the 1970s upon his return to the company? I read the whole Machine Man recently and was mightily impressed; I had to switch my vote from Eternals. — Fred Van Lente, via email

A:

11. Has any superhero ever popped a boner during a fight? — kthorjensen

A: As much as I hate to admit it, Tarot’s Boy Friend Jon Webb (alias the Skeleton Man) actually does qualify as a super-hero, and I’m not even kidding when I say that popping boners at inappropriate times is basically that dude’s signature move.

A: I’ve actually never been that into the Micronauts, but I have no hesitation in going to ROM. I love that Bill Mantlo was able to take a toy that had so little backstory that even its ads were like “uh, you can pretend he’s from space?” and managed to craft 80 issues of pretty solid comics that ended up adding a lot to the Marvel Universe.

13. If you could travel through the internet to punch people, would you use that power? — Koltreg

A:Constantly.

14. Do you think today’s readership would be into a comics crossover based somewhat on the film classic Point Break with say a Hulk or one of the Thunderbolts in the Johnny Utah role? Asking for a friend. — Jeff Parker, via email

A: I can think of one reader who would definitely be into that, especially if the Ex-Presidents were actually the Continui-Teens.

15. In light of hitting the century mark yourself, which comic has had the best run, solely on issues #1-#100? — yusaku777

A:

16. Since you’re hitting the milestone of 100 Ask Chris articles, what is your favorite thing to come out of Milestone Media? –

A: The fact that there’s a character named “Nun of the Above.” That is genius.

17. Which movie that Laura Hudson forced you to review do you resent her most for? — blackwelloab

A:Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Don’t get me wrong, Breaking Dawn was no picnic, but I knew I could at least have fun writing about it. Transformers, on the other hand, was just soul-crushing in how stupid, awful, and downright insulting it was.

18. In the trend of Marvel Apes and Zombies, what should the next alternate universe consist of? — Koltreg

A: I’ve said it before: I would write Marvel Dinosaurs for one dollar.

A: Surprising no one, I tend to read a lot of Archies when I’m feeling down, or head back through the Achewood archives. Ray buying Airwolf is surprisingly inspiring.

23. Who is your favorite comic character who is regularly written with an accent and why? — dbed

A:

For obvious reasons.

24. I’m a teen librarian at a very small library, and I’m trying to build a semi-decent graphic novel collection. I’ve been buying some of the obvious choices but I only recently realized we have absolutelyzero books featuring the Caped Crusader. Now, I’d love to go out and buy every collection of Batman ever printed, but being at a small library, I’ve got a similarly small budget. So I ask you: I can only buy, let’s say, three print collections of Batman comics. Which three do I buy? — Ted, via email

A:Year One and Dark Knight Returns are probably the two most obvious must-haves, but that third slot is a little trickier. Assuming that the aforementioned Untold Legend isn’t available, it might be nice to go in a completely different direction with something like the DC Comics Classics Library collection of the Silver Age Batman Annuals, just to cover the whole spectrum.

25. Which major crossover event did the best job of legitimately making its host comics universe better? — jaygarmon

A:Invasion! is probably my favorite event book of all time. It’s Bill Mantlo’s only major work for DC, and that thing gets knocked out in three eighty-page giant issues, with some great tie-ins in books like Animal Man, Suicide Squad and Justice League International. It really helped to solidify some of the cosmic aspects of the DCU that had only really been seen in Legion of Super-Heroes, and the Gene Bomb gave them a convenient way to drop metahumans into their stories in the same way that mutants made things convenient for Marvel.

26. Okay, which pony is who in the JLA is obvious, but which is which of the Metal Men? — paulsmoffett

27. Which G.I. Joe is the most bad ass among those who are not either a Ninja or a Pro Wrestler? – mikepankowski

A:

28. If Batman was sent forward in time to a grim future where there is only war, what would he do? — Kieron Gillen, via email

A: From what I’ve seen of Warhammer 40K, it appears that he’d immediately start hot-gluing skulls to every available surface.

29. What flowers would Batman give to someone on a date? — Maxy_Barnard

A: Fun Fact: Flowers have all kinds of different meanings, and while there aren’t any that mean “justice,” Rhododendrons apparently mean “beware.” Given his flair for the dramatic — and his luck with women — I’m pretty sure Batman would be handing out all kinds of warning bouquets.

A: Despite the fact that this I think this is the first time it’s come up in this column, I don’t think it will surprise anyone to learn that there was a time in my life where I was a pretty huge fan of Sailor Moon. A reincarnated future space princess who was also way into sleeping in, eating a lot, and making questionable hairstyle decisions? That’s a heroine I can identify with.

A: I’ve definitely been bored with Batman stories before, but never with the character. I’ve never thought that there wasn’t something new or interesting that you could do with him.

35. What was up with Nocturna and the balloon? — Kelly Sue DeConnick, via email.

Ah, Nocturna.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with Nocturna, she was the central figure in a (way-too-)long-running story known as the Pre-Crisis Jason Todd Custody Battle. She can be pretty accurately described as “a hot-air balloon enthusiast and alleged vampire,” and honestly? That is probably the most baller description anyone in a Batman comic has ever had — and when you consider that it stars a billionaire ninja vigilante, that’s saying something.

As to why Nocturna was so into balloons, to the point where she essentially floated straight out of continuity in 1985, I’d guess that it probably just boils down to the fact that owning a custom hot-air balloon is one of the raddest things you can do. Just ask Team Rocket.

A: I’ve never really been all that into him. No particularly strong feelings one way or the othe.

37. If you had a time machine, what would you tell Young Chris Sims as he prepares to start up his blog? — MagicLoveHose

A: “Dude, get in. We’re gonna go punch Hitler.”

38. Are there any vegans in comics and are they as over as Daniel Bryan? Yes Yes Yes! or No No No? — Team_Hellions

A:

39. They say every writer has a Batman story in him, and I doubt you’re the exception, so, what’s YOUR Batman story? — Vonice

A: I actually do have one — surprise! — but while I’ve pretty much given up on ever working for DC, I still plan on keeping it to myself just in case. Find me at a con where I will definitely be drunk, though, and you’ll probably hear it before long.

42. If Alfred threw a pizza party the nights the Waynes died, would there be no batman and as a result no criminals he made? — rusty_shackles

A: Wait, do you mean if he’d thrown a pizza party so that the Waynes could hang out at the Manor rather than going to the movie and getting shot, or do you mean that Bruce comes home having just witnessed his parents’ murder, and Alfred’s all “Cheer up, Master Bruce! I’ve got pepperoooooniiiiii!” Because, and I am 100% certain that this is the first time in my life I have ever said this, that is not the appropriate time for a pizza party.

43. Which would win in a race, the Batcopter or Moon Knight’s Mooncopter? — joshua_hough

A: Airwolf.

44. Would you rather live eternally as a Muppet or live for 5 years with the powers of Superman? — Koltreg

A: Just so If it’s the choice between eternity as a literal puppet or five years of being bulletproof, flying and shooting lasers out of my eyes at anyone who sasses me, I’ll take the latter every time.

45. You have one game to play for the rest of your life, which would you chose of the following: Banjo Kazooie or Donkey Kong Country?

A: Believe it or not, I’ve never actually played either of those games. I’d go with Donkey Kong Country, purely on the basis of really liking that one song from Super Smash Bros.

All right, now we’re getting somewhere. These are two games I’ve had a lot of fun with over the years, and I like them both a lot. Mario Kart is probablymore fun, but Twisted Metal has a bit more depth to it that might give it a little more longevity if it’s the only game I can ever play. If it’s the original versions of each game, though — not, say, Mario Kart DS or Twisted Metal Black — I think I’d have to go with Mario Kart.

A: To be honest, I can think of no more appropriate crossover subject for everyone’s favorite Witch of the Black Rose than a bunch of kids who were given their super-powers by a magic talking pony from space.

49. What is the secret to destroying Curt and Chris once and for all? — Koltreg

A: Curt is weak to Bubble Lead, Chris is weak to Leaf Shield.

50. Who had the best 100th issue? Punisher, Batman, and Spider-Man? — sequentialmatt

A: Let’s check here… Punisher #100 is a Chuck Dixon joint that involves Big Frank making some pretty dubious choices regarding shooting a gangster because — gasp — she’s a pretty lady! So that one’s out. Amazing Spider-Man #100 is pretty solid, but it’s also a book where the last-page cliffhanger is Peter Parker moping because he’s suddenly grown four new arms, so that one gets knocked down to a B-.

Batman #100, however, features this:

I want to go to there.

51. You’ve been asked to create a Marvel version of Composite Superman. Which two heroes, & which team’s powers? — JHeaton416

A: Well, Marvel already has the Composite Hulk, and that was pretty amazing. But if I was going to do something more along the lines of the bright green half-Superman/half-Batman who had the powers of the entire Legion of Super-Heroes, I’d probably go with half Spider-Man, half Daredevil, with the powers of all of the X-Men. That’d be about as ridiculous as giving someone five different versions of invulnerability, right?

52. Who could Batman never beat? Who would always theoretically have his number? — MatthewElmslie

A: As much as people love to see it because they loved it so much when they read Dark Knight Returns when they were 15, I never want to see Batman beat up Superman again. It’s happened so often at this point that it’s lost all of its impact, and it’s just ridiculous. And the weird thing is, the people who love seeing it are often the same people who say that what they really like about Batman is that he “doesn’t have super-powers” and he’s “just a normal guy.” So yeah, I would be perfectly fine if we spent the next twenty-five years reminding everyone that Superman can move at the speed of light and smack you across the room with his eyelashes, even if you have a butler and a basement with a dinosaur in it.

53. What erotic film parody would you rather watch/review: Justice League Detroit or Great Lakes Avengers? — LenSnark

A: Man, that is tough. On the one hand, Lexi Belle as Squirrel Girl is a casting decision I’ve wanted to see since they started making those things. On the other, Vibe is way more suited for pornography than he is for super-heroism. I think I’d have to go with the GLA, if only because Evan Stone would make a truly fantastic Mr. Immortal.

54. You have to wear any superhero costume for rest of your life. Which do you choose, considering comfort and social embarrassment? — SchnoodleLad

A:

55: If you had to nominate five series for the Eisners; Best New Series category, which five books would you nominate? — Joe Keatinge, via email

A: If I’m drawing from the list of potential nominees that the Eisner Awards passed on — which, Aquaman excepted, I actually thought was a really strong crop of new comics — I would’ve gone with Daredevil, La Mano Del Destino, Wolverine and the X-Men, Snarked and Skullkickers. My vote would’dve gone to that last one — there are six pages in #6 that really put it over the top.

56. You’ve mentioned comics learning the wrong lesson from Watchmen. What do you think is the right lesson? — MagicLoveHose

A: The right lesson from Watchmen is that you can do a sophisticated, complex story involving super-heroes without having to simplify or dumb down the concepts. You can do a compelling narrative that deals with those familiar themes that doesn’t come down to one guy punching another and calling it a day. You can take what you like about existing elements and change them to do something new. You can do it with a definite ending, in a way that you don’t get from titles that, by their very nature as serialized stories, have to continue. And you can do it all with a high level of artistic consistency and craft.

57. Are there any big two German characters that are neither nazis nor terrorists? –

A: He’s a time-traveling super-villain from the future descended from both Dr. Doom and Reed Richards who is also occasionally a pharaoh in ancient Egypt, and the pharaoh and the conqueror have met and hate each other, and he is a member of The Council of Cross-Time Kangs, a collection of interdimensional versions of himself, one of which is a sexy lady who once destroyed the Avengers by seducing Dr. Druid. Pretty simple stuff, really.

59. Who is more worthless and why- The Vision or Red Tornado? — adamrjones24

A: The Vision is just a character that I don’t particularly care for. Red Tornado is quite posisbly the worst thing that has ever happened to DC Comics. Even Batman: The Brave and the Bold couldn’t make that dude not be awful.

60. What comic were you most surprised you liked? — Christopher Hastings, via email

A:Planet Hulk. I remember going into that thing thinking it was just another boring retread and that it was insane that they were spending over a year on it, but it turned out to be both a great story in its own right, and led to a lot of other great stuff, too.

A: Batarangs! I will always love that, even at his darkest / most grim / most “realistic,” Batman still carries around little metal boomerangs shaped like his own logo that he uses to bonk crooks upside the head. The more you think about it — and I have thought about Batarangs a lot — the more amazing it gets.

65. Dear Friend Chris, If you were a cartoon character, what would your one set of clothing look like, and what would your catchphrase(s) be?– Ming Doyle, via email

A: Whenever my friend Catie Donnelly draws me, she almost always puts me in jeans and a Batman shirt, which is pretty accurate.

The only exception was when she drew in a shirt with a dinosaur on it that said “DINOS!”, which was equally accurate. As for a catchphrase, I’d probably go with saying that things are not very good.

69. Who has the best facial hair: the wizard Shazam or Jack Knight Starman? –

A: Man, Jack Knight’s little ’90s hipster goatee is nowhere near as awesome as the flowing face-forest grown over meticulous centuries at the Rock of Eternity. In fact, the original meaning of the Z in “SHAZAM” was for the beard of Zeus rather than the “power.”

A: Apparently Chris Roberson’s well-documented fear of spoiled food has gotten so bad that he’s asking people hundreds of miles away for confirmation before he has a snack. The three-day-old salsa is fine, Chris.

A: You’re goddamn right he is. Anyway, I don’t know if this guy is even good enough to qualify for third string, but I love the hell out of Johnny Karaoke:

Created by John Ostrander and Tom Mandrake in the otherwise pretty awful Batman #660 to be Laura Hudson’s new favorite Character, Johnny Karaoke was an assassin who killed his targets with a sword that was also a cane that was also a microphone, while singing. Despite holding an MBA from UCLA, he pretended to not speak English that well because he thought it was hilarious, and led a team of lady kung fu assassins called the Geisha Grrls.

He died literally one issue later. He is the best, you guys.

72. You’ve arrived in Video Game Land. You do the only sensible thing and introduce the people to pro wrestling. Who do you book? — id0ru

A:

“Mexico?“

73. if batman was gay for a dude… would it be superman? — curtofranklin

A: According to an overwhelming amount of evidence presented on Fanfiction.net, it would be Miles “Tails” Prower. I’m… I’m not sure how accurate that information is.

74. Would you rather dress up as Witchblade, Tarot or Starfire? — Maxy_Barnard

A: Assuming that I wouldn’t be held responsible for anyone who was traumatized by actually seeing me in it, I’d totally go for Tarot. Seriously, have you seen that thing?

It’d be worth dealing with whatwould definitely be the most uncomfortable experience in my life just to figure out how those boots were supposed to work. And sometimes you need the support that only a pentagram bra strap can provide.

75. Clowns or Sharks? — Greg Rucka, via email

A: Sharks.

76. Would you cosplay as Aquaman if Laura Hudson went as Mera & the other CA staffers went as sea creatures? – LenSnark

A: If Laura dressed as Mera? Probably not. If, however, Caleb dressed as Mera and Laura had to walk around a convention dressed as Aquaman’s octopus pal Topo, however, I would definitely do it.

77. Who is your favorite Intercontinental champion who’s never won the World title? — Neiliocentric

A:

78. How much does Batman know about magic (across all media)? — CUnderkoffler

A: I get the feeling that Batman would be a lot like Conan the Barbarian in this respect. He’d know a lot about it because he lives in a world where magic actually exists as an undeniable fact, but that he doesn’t have the natural talent that he’d need to actually use it. As a result, the fact that it’s one of the very few things he can’t do, as well as the fact that it can literaly change reality and cause the otherwise impossible to happen would lead him to mistrust it as a general rule.

A: Garrus is, of course, the winner — spoiler warning, but shooting outer space beer bottles on the overpass in Mass Effect 3 was one of my favorite video game moments ever — but Varric from Dragon Age 2 comes pretty close, if only for his amazing Scarface-esque solo mission.

A: Stacy X was, as you might expect from the initial, an X-Man — But not the Wolverine / Cyclops / Nightcrawler kind of X-Man. She was more on the level with guys like Maggot and Marrow. She was introduced by Joe Casey and Tom Raney in Uncanny around the same time that Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely were on New X-Men, and her deal was that before she joined the team, she was a prostitute who worked at a mutant brothel called the X-Ranch (hilarious) but never actually had sex with her clients, she just used her mutant pheromone powers to send people into spasms of — wait for it — ecstacy.

She later quit the team, leaving behind, if memory serves, a video of herself doing jumping jacks in the nude while taunting Iceman. Then she lost her powers, then she joined the New Warriors, then she died, then she apparently came back last year in a scene where she was having a three-way with Chamber’s ex-girlfriend in an effort to, I don’t know, trap Magneto or something? Believe it or not, Wikipedia’s tendency for alarming specificity in these matters isn’t really a help here.

So there you go: Two paragraphs of information on Stacy X, which is about three more paragraphs than anyone actually needs.

91. Explain and explore the dynamics of modern myth and the hero’s journey, the “mono-myth” in the writings of Joseph Campbell, as a cross-cultural phenomenon that today stems primarily from comic writers, with emphasis on reflections of the American world view. Please do this in seven words or less. – Paul Tobin, via email

A: Just read The Great Outdoor Fight already.

92. Where would you rather go to school, Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, or Xavier’s school for gifted youngsters? — EamonnGlenn

A: Hogwarts. Not only does the Xavier School have a mortality rate slightly higher than setting yourself on fire, you also get to be yelled at by Alan Rickman, and that’s a lifelong dream of mine.

A. Finishing this column. Second to that, talking to Adam West about how much I love Victor Buono as King Tut was pretty awesome, and getting an email from Al Milgrom about how much I loved U.S. 1 was great too, because I’m sure that doesn’t happen every day. Running into Dwayne McDuffie at San Diego and having him tell me he enjoyed a column I wrote about race in comics was probably the biggest highlight, though.

98. You have to assemble a super team consisting solely of grotesque stereotypes, preferably racial, but gender-based stereotypes will be acceptable IF and only if they are particularly egregious and backwards-looking. Are you a bad enough dude to assemble a team of super-racists? GO. — Matt Fraction, via email

A: Hoo boy.

Hoo boy.

Okay. I can do this. Chop Chop from the Blackhawks, the witch doctor who sent Bombi the Zombie after Scrooge McDuck, uh… Ebony from The Spirit… Egg Fu… No, I can’t. I give. I’m tapping out. Thanks for ruining everything, Fraction.

99. On a scale of one to ten, where one is a great idea and ten is a pit of despair, how good an idea was Ask Chris 100? — Maxy_Barnard

A: After that last question? Probably like a 9, 9.5.

100. After 100 Ask Chris articles are there any questions you were really hoping we would ask you but they just didn’t come up? –

A: A few weeks ago, I was talking on Twitter about how, contrary to popular belief, the Riddler is one of the best and most underrated Batman villains of all time, but nobody ever asked why.

Oh well. There’s always next week!

That’s all we have for this week, but if you’ve got a question you’d like to see Chris tackle in a future column, just send it to @theisb on Twitter with the hashtag #AskChris, or send an email to comicsalliance@gmail.com with [Ask Chris] in the subject line!

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