About This Blog

Rated P is a sketch comedy musical about parenthood celebrating the wonders & lunacy of raising kids from conception to college. This blog, written by Rated P's author & lyricist, Sandy Rustin, offers up a humorous and heartfelt look at the nitty gritty business of parenting.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

All You Need to Know About the Work/Life Balance

I've been reading a lot lately on the work/life balance struggle (crisis?)
of women who have "children they love" and "professions worth
continued pursuit." It's reminded me of Ava Neyer's terrific post about the contradictory theories of sleep training a baby.

I thought I'd take the info I've gathered, and compile it for you here.

Women with children can have it all. No one knows what all is. All is
having healthy, well adjusted children that you have plenty of time to
care for AND a career where you feel accomplished, successful and well
compensated.

Women who have it all are having sex with their spouse 1-2x
per week or else they openly discuss it calmly over an organic supper.

Women who try to have it all, fail. No one can have it all: especially
women. Scratch that. Especially women with children. If you don't try to
have it all, you're selling yourself short. If you do already have it
all, don't talk about it or the women who don't have it all will judge
you and hate you. If you don't have it all, pretend you do because
recently the "fake it til you make it" concept was scientifically
proven. No one should talk about who does or does not have it all
because people will judge you. Odds are you're lying anyway because
women are not honest. If you want an honest answer, ask a woman.

To lead a more balanced life go to bed early. Wake up
early. Read in bed even if it means going to bed later. Get more sleep
even if it means sleeping later in the morning. Exercise when you first
wake up. Exercise before you go to bed. Try to squeeze in a workout
while the baby is napping. If you don't
have a baby, you should be back to your pre-baby weight. Love yourself
as you are. Extra pounds around the middle put you at high risk
for diabetes and heart disease. Balanced women eat balanced meals. Just
because someone seems to have it all, doesn't mean they don't eat
McDonald's with regularity. McDonald's will ultimately kill you even if
you're balanced. McDonald's every so often is harmless. Unless you need
your heart to function properly. Then whatever you do, don't eat
McDonald's.

Put a slice of lemon in your water for optimal daily health. Lemon
slices are very high in potentially fatal bacteria. Do not put lemons in
your water.

Women who work part time definitely don't have it all because their time
is too divided. If you're seeking more balance, seek a part-time job.
Sometimes just dipping your toes into your profession is more than
enough to whet your whistle. It's all or nothing or a man will take your
job. Lean in. Lean out. Lean to the side and stretch-2-3-4. And the
other side-2-3-4. And center. Slowly roll up.

Men are seeking work/life balance too. How come no one is talking about
that? Men should shut up because statistically they still make more
money than women. By 2015 women will be the majority breadwinners in
American families. Women can do men's jobs better than men. Unless they
have children. Then men are better. Unless they have children. Then
computers are really effective. Unless they have a glitch. Then call
1-800-FIX-DATA.

The key to the work/life balance is competent, dependable childcare.
Don't leave your children with a stranger. Women who leave their
children with their mothers are living in the past. People were happier
in the past. The future is where it's at. Welcome to the future. There
are babysitters available everywhere. Ads on the sides of city buses are
effective ways to find an appropriate babysitter. Unless you personally
know five people who have used a babysitter do not use her. Unless it's an
emergency. Then call that teenager next door. He's probably
sober. Sobriety is the key to a well balanced life. 1-3 glasses of wine
per week is recommended for overall relaxation. Or Xanax. If you're well
balanced you won't need drugs. Taking drugs is crucial for a well
balanced life.

Women don't need to cook any more. Slow cookers can do it. Your slow
cooker is in your attic collecting dust. Take it out and make some stew
for the party you're hosting on Super Bowl Sunday. Real cooks don't use
slow cookers. Slow cookers is code for men. Men watch the Super Bowl for
the GoDaddy ads. Go Daddy is what your kids say when your husband does a
funny dance. Naked women in Super Bowl ads have it all.

Show more cleavage. Don't be such a slut. Using sexuality will not get
you much after age 40. Pretend you're not 40. Here's some eye cream.
It's one million dollars. Going into debt for eye cream is fine. If you're
in debt, stop what you're doing and get out of debt. Here are 5-7-10-35
ways to get out of debt in the new year. Balanced women are not in
debt. The average 35 year old American woman carries a debt. Don't
overspend. You need those shoes.

Get on your hands and knees and play with your kids. Your children need
to learn independence by playing alone. Don't change your clothes when
you come home from work. Snuggle your kids first. Now your blouse is
stained and torn? Work more so you can buy more blouses.

Balanced women have pets. Don't get a dog. It's a huge time suck and
expense. Every child needs a dog. Get pet insurance or you're fucked
when your dog gets cancer.

To lead a balanced life, meditate. Breathe in. Breathe out. You can
meditate while driving. Over 50% of accidents are caused by distracted
drivers.

Finding the work/life balance does not prevent death. Laughter prolongs
life. It's important to cry. If you're laughing or crying too much, try
Xanax.
That about sums it up. I know where I fall on the work/life continuum ... But I've learned my lesson so I'll never tell.

Follow by Email

About Me

Sandy Rustin is an
actress, playwright, and mom. Her sketch comedy musical about
parenthood, Rated P ... For Parenthood, opened to critical acclaim ("P is for Perfect!")
Off-Broadway at the Westside Theatre in 2012 and is in development for
television with ABC Studios and Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos.

Her full length comedy, The Cottage, (a 2014 Reva Shiner
Comedy Award Finalist) opened at the Astoria Performing Arts Center in
2013 and transferred to Queens Theatre in the Park in November 2014. The
play made its regional debut at Theatre Aspen in the summer of
2014 (and played at The Americana Theatre in Plymouth, MA and
The Actors’ Theatre of Phoenix in Phoenix, AZ). Last summer The Cottage ("LAUGH OUT LOUD!") played at The Engeman Theatre in Northport, Long Island and is currently under option for an upcoming commercial production in New York.

Her new play, STRUCK ("Strikingly Good") is currently having its world premiere at NJ REP.

Sandy recently guest starred on Comedy
Central’s, Inside Amy Schumer and regularly appears at New York’s The
Upright Citizen’s Brigade in “Gravid Water” (named “Best ImprovShow” by
Time Out NY). She is the Founding Co-Artistic Director of Midtown Direct
Rep, an advocate for http://cowdenfoundation.org/ and makes a delicious gluten free/dairy free lasagna that her children will actually eat.