Wednesday, November 16, 2005

heavy

Things in my personal life are going rather well, yet, I have been very down for over a week now, I don't understand why.

There have been some new memories, lots of nightmares and flashbacks as well, although these are normal occurrences and nothing earth shattering.

I have been taking sleeping pills at night to help me sleep and stay asleep. They're not really working. I think I need to go back to my doctor and ask for prescription sleeping pills, something that will allow me to get 8 solid hours of rest as opposed to a nap after work and a few hours scattered throughout the night.

Maybe it's the exhaustion I'm feeling that is also fueling the intense pain and sadness, add an extreme amount of work related stress and there I am; caught in the middle of the storm.

There is so much pain inside me. So much hurt, sadness. It just sits there, weighing me down, suffocating me. No matter how much I hurt, I still get up every morning, I still go to work, I put on my happy face to get me through 8 hours each day. Lately I have been wondering what the point is.

My last visit to my doctor, she wanted to take me off work. She said I need some time to help myself, to focus only on me and spend all my energy on working through this. I declined. I told her I needed to keep working as it is my outlet, it gives me something else to focus on during the day. I am now thinking it might not be a bad idea. It might help me to take some time off for myself and just focus on me and my pain and my healing. At the same time that idea scares me. I don't want to get trapped in a depressive cycle for months on end, I don't want to cut myself off from the outside world... I know that is what will happen if I do take time off work.

I've had many moments like this. I have a job I've been working for six months - I took this week off from work, but I was scared. I was scared that having a week away from work I wouldn't have something to focus on - I'd be cut off from the outside world, and left alone to deal with my emotions. So far, it hasn't been that bad. I still have trouble just before I go to sleep and first thing in the morning, but the rest of the days have been okay so far. Reading your blog is helping me tremendously as well.