3 Ways To Train Your Brain To Be Compassionate

Nearly every day I drive past the same homeless guy on a street corner in my neighborhood. He's got a bum leg and sits on a ratty canvas chair across from Target. He's got the same cardboard sign—"Will Work for Money"—he's had forever. His name is Larry. The only reason I know this is because my husband talks to him. So does my son. I'm usually rushing to beat the light, grabbing for my cell phone, or lost in the news on the radio. In fact, until recently, I hardly even saw Larry. I tuned him out. But last week, I changed my pattern: I didn't speed past him. I slowed down long enough to say, "How ya doin', Larry?" and smile. He smiled back.

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I did this because I'm trying to cultivate more compassion in my life. I recently connected with Lissa Rankin, a physician and founder of the Whole Health Medicine Institute. She teaches about the power of empathy (a key ingredient of compassion) and made me realize I wasn't as empathetic as I used to be. "Every child is born with a wide-open heart, but as we get older and weather pain and disappointment, we begin to close ourselves off," she says. Our tech-centered lives don't help—we're looking at our screens instead of each other, which can leave us feeling disconnected and lonely. You probably recognize what sometimes results: We snap at our partners or are short with the person in line taking a long time to order. The solution, Rankin says, is simple: We all need to cultivate compassion by practicing being empathetic in our everyday lives—and slowly, our stubborn hearts will open back up; we'll start feeling more connected with each other and ultimately happier. (Self-compassion is also an important part of compassion.)

Empathy is the ability to perceive and mirror what others around you are feeling. When we shut down our feelings, we lose our ability to be compassionate. A few years ago, researchers at Mount Sinai School of Medicine made a pivotal discovery when they found that a lack of empathy shows up in the brain. They identified an area called the anterior insular cortex as the epicenter of empathy. Patients with damage to this area had trouble perceiving and sympathizing with others' pain. In 2015, a University of Georgia study showed that borderline personality disorder, a mental illness that affects mostly young women, might result from reduced activity in regions of the brain that support empathy. Without empathy, people with this disorder are less able to connect to others' pain. But with practice—therapy centered around mindfulness and awareness of people's feelings—they or anyone else can get better. Work on your compassion muscle and it does get stronger. (Here are 3 simple ways to be more empathetic.)

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When you extend your heart to others, it benefits you. "We know that as a species, we flourish and thrive when we care for others," says James Doty, a neurosurgeon and director of the Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford University. "Not only do you feel happier, but you feel better and you live longer." When you help someone, your heart rate decreases, the feel-good hormone oxytocin is released, and regions of the brain linked to nurturing and feelings of pleasure light up. (Here are ways to increase your oxytocin.) Compassion relaxes the nervous system, optimizes the body's ability to heal itself, and strengthens intimacy in relationships, Rankin says. Research shows that when you watch someone give money to charity, it's as though you received a gift yourself. "As humans, we are hard-wired to be compassionate," Rankin says. "And, challenging though it may be, even as adults our hearts can be made open again."

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For me, the only question left is: Why didn't I start sooner?

21 Days to a More Compassionate You Start flexing your empathy muscle with these exercises, then visit RodaleU.com/practicecompassion to join the Rodale Wellness 21-Day Practicing Compassion Challenge ($9.99) designed by Lissa Rankin to help readers build deeper connections.

Go Ahead and Offer Something When you encounter a loved one, a colleague, or even a stranger in line at the supermarket, ask yourself: What does this person need at this moment? A hug? An offer to help with the kids for 30 minutes? Five dollars? A sympathetic ear? Then, if it feels right, fulfill that unspoken need. Do this periodically and note the effect it has on other people—and you.

Meditate About Someone Else Researchers at the University of Wisconsin–Madison found that an ancient meditation technique can train people to become more compassionate. To try it, sit comfortably in a quiet place and envision someone who is suffering. Then, for a few minutes, repeat the phrase "May you be free from suffering; may you have joy and ease." Do this regularly for a week.

Socialize Phone-Free

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Technology distracts us from the present, which discourages connection and compassion. The next time you're at a party or having dinner with friends or visiting with family, turn your phone off. Pay attention. Listen. Make eye contact. Be fully present. Then notice how you feel afterward.

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