Category: Writing

I’m not saying I let you in easily. It has been a constant struggle. I battled with myself and then it hit me. I just let you have it. It slowly creeped in.

You still do. You still have it.

I always wanted to feel this way. Always. It’s a beautiful feeling. Everything seems perfect. When you’re around, I can’t help but feel alive and happy. You add to my wholeness.

But what never occurred to me is that when I was handing it over,

You weren’t giving anything back. Or maybe you were. I guess I’ll never know.

I guess this is the problem. And now here I am, asking for it back. Please return to sender. Because now it just hurts.

I didn’t even realize it. Now here I am writing it, pleading for mercy.

Maybe you had intentions in the beginning, or maybe I had it all wrong. There’s never really a right or wrong, is there? I guess my timing was off, perhaps I fooled myself into believing it could be real.
I could go over this, all day. Spin the ideas, the what-ifs, but at the end of the day, you still have all of my love.
And even if I made it clear or obvious, it may have not been to you at all.

I was sitting outside this quaint little building on 9th street when I first saw you.

You were wearing a black coat with a red scarf, which was not evened out, the right side was longer than the left, but it didn’t matter. I still felt like you had your life together despite that little flaw. You were so put together that day, your beautiful dirty blonde hair parted to the side, your blue eyes stunned in this weather. They were blue skies parting through dark and rainy clouds. You saw me, I pretended to have just been looking in that direction, I tilted my head to the side. I pretended to be deep in thought. The waitress came up to me, I could hear her standing beside me. I could sense that she wanted to say something but unsure if I was even paying attention. I was. I was just pretending not to. “Excuse me, Mademoiselle” she said. Oh I loved being in Paris at this very moment. I was living the dream. I was sitting outside of the top best hotels in Paris, while having a glass of white wine and seeing your face. I finally gave in, I looked at the waitress and she was waiting for me to say something but all I could do was sigh. It took me a few seconds to recollect my thoughts, to remember what words were and that they should be coming out of my mouth. “I’m sorry, I was lost in thought, Just a little distracted, I’m sorry” I said. “Oh no worries, it happens a lot, I mean you are in Paris and you just get taken in sometimes” She said with a smile. She handed me my bill and I saw her walk away. I watched her go. She was a stunning woman, probably in her mid 20’s, her face was so serene, her hair was in a slightly loose ponytail and she walked with such confidence. I remember being like that so young, so fresh, and so confident in every stride. I was hoping that perhaps during this trip, I could find a bit of that again. I’m not saying I’m old. I haven’t told you much about me. I like to think of myself as an observer, I prefer to be in the background sometimes and just observe the world around me. I am a part of it, just not in the way most people are. I believe you get the most experience from being behind the scenes. I was never a leading lady and that was the way I had always liked it.

I’m also not saying I’m not confident at all, in fact, this is the most confident I’d ever been. I packed up my belongings only a few weeks ago, put them in storage and grabbed my journal, a few pieces of clothing and decided I needed to leave home for awhile. It was an abrupt decision terrifying yet it was also satisfying. It’s not because I’m unhappy at home or because things had gotten crazy. I just needed a break. We all do. After graduation, I had a rough time landing a job, rough time with a lot of things to be honest. It felt like my life was out of control and all the things I had worked for were no longer there for me. Well, I was wrong, life was teaching me a lesson. You can have everything, just not all at once. I landed a great job with great pay doing things that I had only hoped to do. It’s not an easy job but I love it. Everyday I get to wake up and help someone who has gone through a traumatic situation. I love being able to help someone get out and explore a world they never imagined for themselves. I do love it but I just needed a break. So I packed up my stuff and made a list of all the places in France I wanted to go to. First of all, I had to come to Paris. Paris is magical; it’s full of wonder, full of life, full of whatever you want. But for now I just want to get back to how I met you. You were a stranger in a strange place. I didn’t think I’d see you again after that day. I knew that it would be a rarity to run into you again. I had hoped for it though. I went back up to my room and thought about how amazing it was to be here. It wasn’t sunny at all, it was actually quite gloomy and I liked that.

—-

I woke up feeling so relaxed. There was nothing like waking up to a rainy day. The clouds were filled with emotions and I was filled with happiness. I took a long shower that day, I felt like I would need it because I planned to be out most of the day and wander the streets of Paris. I brushed my hair and carefully ensured that it was perfectly imperfect. I lined my lips with a nude liner and dabbed my lipstick on with such ease, I spritzed a bit of perfume on my wrists and slipped on into my favourite dress. I grabbed my room key, a beautiful striped umbrella that I had been given by my mother and my trench coat. I headed downstairs, I wasn’t fairly hungry this morning but I still grabbed a cup of tea and a bagel with plain cream cheese. “Good Morning, Miss” said the man at the front desk. He was quite the handsome fella. He had gorgeous black hair that sat perfectly on his head, you could tell that he had recently shaved and his face was a blessing from his parents. I could only imagine what they looked like. I just loved hearing the French speak to me, this language I find is so intoxicating, each word is a sip of wine and indulgence of chocolate on a summer evening. “Good Morning” I said back with my face calming itself down from what I was thinking. I’m sure my voice or the colour of my cheeks will one day give my thoughts away. I wouldn’t mind though. It would be easier for expressions and tones in our voices to give us away. Sometimes it’s easier than words. Sometimes silence and stares say all you want and all you need. I walked out the door, opened my umbrella and I was prepared to be silent for the rest of the day.

Everything about Paris is perfect. The atmosphere can never be sickening, its that classic black and white film that you never get sick of but when you’re here, you get pops of colour. There’s music always playing, the chatter of french voices in perfect harmony with the soundtrack in my head. I walked into the market; I was feeling a little parched from walking around town. I didn’t expect you to be here. I didn’t at all, I had just turned the corner and there you were standing so tall and so rugged. You were wearing a plain white tee and dark blue jeans with your hair so perfectly coifed. You were asking the grocery clerk whether they had any apples. “Yes, sir, we have some in the corner over there” the young man said to you. I stood there semi-frozen pretending to read the label of the spaghetti sauce. I glanced over at you and you were staring right at me. I know you saw the confusion on my face. I wasn’t sure if you were staring at me or just in my general direction. I realized when I looked behind me to my disappointment the apple stand was right there. I hid my disappointment; I put down the spaghetti sauce and started walking towards the juice stand. I stood in a trance, there were so many delicious options but I was honestly caught up in the emotions of running into you. I was so consumed by my thoughts that I almost missed my chance. My thoughts were cut short by a faint voice; at first I thought I had really lost it. “So many options, it’s hard to pick one right?” I heard in the background. I snapped out of it. “I’m sorry” I said as I turned to you. I bet you could see the exhilarating rush through my eyes, I could not believe that you were right there. And that’s when it all began.

If only being so blatantly honest was easy. I would straight up tell you that I love you. I would tell you that you make everything better and you’re one of the reasons I smile. I keep myself up at all hours just waiting to talk to you. Distance isn’t our friend. Distance and time are our worst enemy. You’re there, I’m here. You were here but you were with her. It makes no sense. You’re my friend. We’re going to go on adventures together. I look forward to that. But tell me, what are we?