John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

How to shift from constant painful feelings to a more comprehensive emotional view of the whole relationship. (Published 12/1/2015)

Q:

My mom died two years ago. I miss her so much that I cry almost everyday. I can't seem to move forward. It's like all time has stood still. Sometimes I don't think I can face another day. I don't know what to do, who to talk to or where to go. Please help me.

A Grief Expert Replies:

(PDear Nancy,

Thanks for your note and request for help.

Sadly, we hear that lament almost more than any other as people struggle in the aftermath of the death of someone important to them.

The problem is that most people don’t know what to do to help themselves move forward in their lives, and they are trapped by some of the many false ideas we all learned while growing up.

One of the most paralyzing of those incorrect ideas that stop us from dealing with our grief more effectively is the idea that “time heals all wounds.” It is totally false, and since time of its own accord can’t heal you, you might even start to feel bad and question yourself because you’re not doing better two years later.

Here’s how we say it: “Time can’t heal your heart any more than time can put air back in a flat tire.” The fact is that it takes “actions” to fix the tire and “actions” to heal your heart.

That’s why the subtitle of our book, The Grief Recovery Handbook, is The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses including Health, Career, and Faith.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of the Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. As you do the work, you will find a shift away from that painful missing of her to a more comprehensive sense of the whole relationship along with appreciation and joy for what she was to you and what the relationship meant to you.