Wednesday, 31 January 2007

Last week saw me battle the evil multiple personalities boy, whose personalities almost caused a deadly nuclear attack. If it wasn't for my quick thinking, and ability to state the obvious swiftly and with as much tedium as possible, multiple personality boy could have caused a deadly nuclear attack (which is something I have already stated towards the top of the paragraph that you are currently reading, but just about to finish reading).

No sooner had I got back and started to wash my superhero costume so that it would be clean, than I got an important emergency message through my IEM machine (Important Emergency Message machine, which sends me any messages that are both important and emergent....emergenic....emergence-like).

It looked like Poorly-Formed-Analogies girl had decided to create an unstoppable avalanche that would surely crush the good people of new-Southampton unless it was stopped, or if she failed to start it, or if she did start it but it turned out to be entirely stoppable, or if I managed to get on a long and arduous rant that went nowhere, thus boring her to death (like this one).

And so with only half of my costume cleaned (it takes an hour to wash my costume and I only had thirty minutes, which is exactly half an hour), I raced off to the mountains where the snow was.

"You're later than an athlete that had taken a taxi with three wheels and the fourth wheel was made out of a viscous substance to the stadium!" cried poorly formed analogies girl on my arrival to the mountain with the snow and Poorly Formed Analogies girl on it.

"Yes I know", I replied, "I wanted to wash my costume but that takes an hour and I only had thirty minutes to wash it. Thus my costume is only half clean due to the 1:2 ratio between time I needed and time I had. But how did you know that I was coming?"

"Because I was the one that called it in! You are now in my trap!". A wicked cackle left her mouth, as a result of her expelling air over equally wicked voice box. "You're as gullible as a farmer told that Japanese steal production is due to double, and then goes out buying futures in the stock, but doesn't realise that the person telling them this information is a blue bicycle!".

I stopped for a second, paralysed by her incredible super-power. It was as though the analogy was so hopelessly flawed as to have my mind stuck in a loop that I could not break free from. Do farmers buy futures? Is Japanese steal a more gullible purchase than regular steel? Why was the bicycle blue? Why can't I now get the image of a Japanese farmer riding a blue bicycle over some train tracks?!

The next thing I knew, I was bound to a giant snowball. During my smorgasbord of questioning, she must have collected up a large amount of snow, grouped it into a ball, and then tied me to it.

"Next stop, New-Southampton!!!". Poorly formed analogies girl stood uphill from me with her foot poised to kick me down the mountain to the town below (which was New-Southampton).

"Wait just one second!" I announced. "Just how do you intend to kill me?"

Poorly formed analogies girl froze for a second. "But....you....can't expect me to.....state...something....obvious....!!!". Poorly formed analogies girl had got stuck in a desperate attempt not to imitate the person she was about to kill (me).

Just then, Contrived-Ending man appeared as if from nowhere and saved the day.