Mom is always going on vacation without me. So I’ve decided to just lie in her luggage until the next time she goes on a trip. Then she will have to take me! I am so smart! My plan will work.. it has to!

Here I am again in my glasses. I think I look so smart. And so human. So I guess I don’t look that smart if I look human. Everyone knows dogs are smarter than people. I don’t pick up human feces. But humans pick up doggy doo. Muahahaha. Suckers!

Do I look comfortable here? No? That’s because I’m not! Mom put me up on the couch like this. How mean of her right? I was like.. OMG why are you putting me up on the couch like this! And she was all like OMG you look so cute lemme take a picture of you! And I was all like OMG get me off!! I’m so uncomfortables!!

My mom is an FOB. Look at those fobby house slippers she has on. And those ugly shorts. Where did she get those? Probably fresh off the boat from China. Gaw! I’m so embarrassed I can barely look up at her. I’m not going out in public with her looking like that!!

Sometimes I like to sit and ponder life and questions concerning the world. Like.. when will my next meal be? What will mom feed me? When are we going on a walk? Will I be able to catch that squirrel? Did you just fart?

I have a long tongue. I like to sniff myself. I especially like to sniff my privates. And I use my long tongue to lick my privates, too. It is so delicious. After I like my butt, I like to kiss mom. She’ll never know…

Ma is so cruel sometimes. I wish she’d just leave me alone when I’m trying to sleep! But I guess she was just trying to help. You know.. by putting her jeans over my face when I’m sleeping so she could block the light out for me. Yeah right! She was laughing afterwards! And not so quietly! Hmph!