Regret #2Your 743-day string—now under consideration by the Guinness Book of World Records—of vowing to go to the gym without once, in fact, actually going to the gym.

Regret #3That nasty little White Castle habit.

Regret #4The fact that, of the 51,229 hours you've worked since college, not one of them was for yourself.

Regret #5The fact that, of the 37,298 thoughts you've had so far this week, all but four of them were about yourself.

Regret #61987.

Regret #7Actually, large chunks of 1988 as well, excluding the 3 days you spent in the Big Brother program "giving something back," and the 6-week fling with Hope, the heavyset oboist, who proved to you there is indeed life on other planets.

Regret #81989.

Regret #9The screaming match you had with your wife about the color of the kitchen linoleum, which—now that you're lying on it—isn't nearly as bad as you thought.

Regret #10All the screaming matches you had with your wife, who—now that you think about it—isn't nearly as bad as you thought.

Regret #11The fact that you think Regret #10 is a compliment.

Regret #12Speaking of power outages: Your failure to recharge your cell phone, which really would be useful at a moment like this. Hey, can you hear me now?

Regret #13Aspirin. Where's the damn aspirin?

Regret #14Growling at the kids. The screaming was necessary; not the growling.

Regret #15The call you never got around to making to your life-insurance guy.

Regret #16The call you did get around to making to your doctor: "Yeah, so today turns out to be bad for me, doc. But can I call you back to reschedule?"