It’s a good thing that parenthood is a slow descent into crazyville. When you hold that tiny bundle of joy in your arms and you and your spouse look lovingly into their eyes, you really have no idea what terror lies in the years ahead of you. For example bathroom time. A simple bathroom trip, once your babe has turned into a toddler, is no simple task anymore….and in fact dangerous.

Dangerous you ask?

Here are 6 reasons why bathroom breaks will never be the same.

First Scenario:
The kids are quietly playing with their toys and watching a children’s program. You think, this is an ideal time to sneak out of the room and take that much needed bathroom break you haven’t been able to take since 7am when you were so rudely awakened with your four-year old jumping on the bed whining, “I’m hungry”, or yelling from the bathroom, “MOM YOU HAVE TO WIPE ME!” But bathroom breaks are just not that simple anymore. They will suddenly sense the lack of your presence and make their way to the bathroom whaling and pounding on the door as if they will never see you again and you are bound to be eaten up by the toilet monsters on the other side. It is the END OF THE WORLD for them! The apocalypse has just come! My four-year old still does this and my 18 month old just can not take the separation, leading to an all out “throw yourself on the floor” crying fit.

Scenario Two:
Your toddler has figured out how to open doors. So once a private moment, has now become family time when your four-year old also prances in asking “Watchyadoin Mama?” The toddler finds the step stool and has a blast turning the light on and off the entire time you are in elimination mode and if you dare say, “please leave!” “get out!” “go watch TV!”, they’ll leave all right, but turn the light off in the process and slam the door shut and you are stuck across the room with the light off in the pitch black dark.

Scenario Three:
You manage to sneak in the bathroom and lock the door! You think, yes, you’re golden!! But……inevitably, you will hear a crash, a thud…thud… thud and a cry. You actually look forward to the cry because at least that is a sign of life on the other side. You think, Why is it when all hell breaks loose your ass is stuck to the can? You actually contemplate, do I just get up and run to see what happened, or finish my business hoping the kids are still alive, after all this is the only moment you have to yourself the whole day.

Scenario Four:
You calmly tell your kids to be good and eat their breakfast and that you will be in the bathroom and don’t even think about messing around! You get an “Ok mama!” But….as soon as you sit down, your four-year old barges in and says, “Mama I gotta go!” You tell him to go down stairs. He whines, “I can’t I can’t!”, and proceeds to do the pee-pee dance and undress threatening to sit on you if you don’t move. You better hope all you needed to do was pee, or you’re bound to be cleaning up a mess in someone’s drawers for your ill-timed bathroom trip. You should have planned better!

If you manage to get your four-year old to use the other bathroom, your toddler will insist that since you are sitting down, it’s a good time to snuggle and crawl up on your lap with a magazine for you to read to them. Why else are there magazines in bathrooms? And of course while you’re deep in story time, you have to listen to the yell from the other bathroom, “Mom you have to wipe me!” Isn’t it great when the whole family is on the same poop schedule?

Scenario Five:
It’s that time of the month and once again you forget to lock the door and now your inquisitive four-year old wants to know what that thing is you’re sticking up your hooha! What the hell do you say to a four-year old boy who wants to know everything about everything!? This will go down in my big book of mommy fails for sure. Thankfully a subject change to “J would you like a popsicle” diverted all curiosity and the subject hasn’t come up again.

Scenario Six:

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In your hurry to finally get in a bathroom break, you forget to check the toilet roll, and your kids can’t hear your screams from the other side to grab you a roll of TP. Every other time they are in your business, but when you need them, they have packed up their suitcases and headed to grandma’s leaving you figuring out what plan B should be….and you’re “years” too late for that pill! HA!

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21 Comments

Oh my gosh I am laughing hysterically as I read this! I have a four year old and 17 month old so I relate! But add an 11 yr old and 13 yr old who always follow me to the bathroom wanting to ask me questions while I sit there!!

I gave up on bathroom breaks solo when my kids were young. I think at about 7 they stopped coming in to tell me that they needed something/wanted something/or did something. Good news – you are at least kinda close with the 4 yr old:)

I found my kids sword fighting with my tampons one day – “But we took that cotton stuff out” if it makes you feel better.

Once they become toddlers, it never ends. My children that are living at home are ages almost 18-22, and I still don’t get private potty breaks. The 27 year old doesn’t because he’s off in a submarine somewhere in the US Navy.

I enjoyed reading your post. I laughed, remembering the toddler years, all the way through it!

Great read. I’m sure all the mom can identify with at least four senarios on your list.
Before kids I used to sneak a book into the bathroom and read. Now I’m lucky if there is no one outside shouting: “mom, mom, MOM!” Now only dad can get away with hiding in the bathroom.

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About Me:

I had a childhood filled with emotional torment, surgeries, foster care and abuse and really didn't know what it meant to be a child. My quest is to be the best mother and wife I can be and to provide my children with lives full of love and nourishment. Things I never had growing up. This is a blog about my life and my journey not only as any regular human being, but as a mother and wife, something I really didn't know I wanted until I had it. To Learn more about me, see my About Me page.