Pregnancy Jokes

I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after he finishes college.

What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Childbirth.

Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Do I have to have a baby shower?
Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his whopper!

How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an alter boy.

How do you get a blonde to marry you?
Tell her she's pregnant.

Girlfriend: Baby, I'm pregnant. What do you want it to be?
Boyfriend: A joke.

Woman: Should I have a baby after 35?
OB/GYN: No, 35 children is enough.

Girl: Mom I'm pregnant again!! It must be something in the air!
Mom: Yeah....your legs.

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

What do you give a new mom so she's ready for anything?
A diaper bag of tricks.

What part of biology class do pregnant women fret?
The sea section.

What is the most common pregnancy craving?
For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a pregnant emo girl?
The emo girl still bleeds.

Husband: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
Doctor: So what's your question?

My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

When is the best time to get an epidural?
Right after you find out your girlfriend is pregnant.

Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
Yes, pregnancy.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.

Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

How do you get a whore pregnant?
Cum on her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.

ASIAN PREGNANCY TEST: Put an unsolved Rubik's cube into her vagina. If it comes out solved, she is pregnant.

Yo momma so fat, she gets confronted every time she drinks or smokes because everyone thinks shes pregnant.

Everything is made in China... Except for baby girls

3 Pregnant Women
Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant.

The burnette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy".

The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved.

The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".

Pregnant Lady
A lady pregnant with triplets was in a bank, when suddenly the bank came under robbery.
During the robbery, the pregnant woman was shot in the stomach 3 times, but she survived.
She was told that the bullets was too dangerous to remove: They will eventually come out.
As time went on, the mother gave birth to 2 girls and 1 boy.
One day, one of her daughters was in the bathroom and she called frantically for her mother "Mom I was using the bathroom and a bullet came out."
Oh don't worry dear, the Doctor said that the bullet would eventually come out.
Later the other daughter was in the bathroom and she cried out to her mother "I was using the bathroom and a bullet came out."
Don't worry dear the Dr said that would happen.
Later the same day, the mother heard her son call out from the bathroom, "mama mama he called I was..."
The mother hurriedly said don'y worry son the Dr said that would happen, no said the young boy: "I was jerking off and accidently shot the dog."

Coma Pregnancy
A woman is in an accident while she's pregnant.
While in a comma she has twins (a boy & a girl).
When she woke up she asked the doctor were her baby was.
The doctor said she had twins but her brother named them.
She replied,"My brother is an idiot I wonder what names he gave them. Anyway what did he name the girl?"
"Denise", replied the doctor.
That's not so bad."What about the boy", she finally asked.
"Denephew"

New Technology
A woman is pregnant and goes to the hospital with her husband.
Once there, the doctors tell her about new technology that will give some of her pain to the baby's father.
She and the husband are up for it, and when she starts to give birth, 20% of the pain is transfered to the husband.
He feels nothing, so he figures he might as well take as much of his wife's pain away as possible.
The wife gives birth painlessly, and she and her husband go home with their new baby.
And the mailman is passed out on the porch.

Twins
One day there was a pregnant lady. She was having twins. The lady's husband just died and she fell into a comba.

She woke up from the comba a year later and asked who named her kids.
The nurse said your brother. The lady replies not my brother he's stupid.
Anyway she asks what the girl is called.
The nurse says "Deniece."
And the boy. the lady replied
"Denephew."