Final Word

By Jeff Girod

Two months until the 2012 presidential election and you know that means? I’m playing a popular new game that’s sweeping Facebook—and, no, it’s got nothing to do with planting virtual corn.

Any Facebook “friend” of mine (and believe me, I have many, we’re talking near-triple digits) who posts anything political—either side—gets all of their status updates hidden for eternity.

(I could go the extra step of de-friending these schmoes, but I’m too much of a weenie. So I’d rather just write a column about it.)

Post something about how dumb you think Romney is and—BAM! In my Facebook world, you just fell down the bottomless pit to Ignoresville.

Same goes for Obama: Take a shot at how you can’t stand his wife or suffer through another four years of something or other, and, buddy, just change your Facebook photo to the Invisible Man.

Democrat or Republican, the moment someone takes a side—any side—I take it outside. Then I spend the extra time trying to figure out why we were ever friends to begin with. And remembering if I ever took a ride in your “Freedom mobile”—the one that still has a John Kerry bumper sticker or more eagles on it than an actual tour bus for the Eagles.

I have people in my own family that I have hidden on Facebook. They could have face tattoos as ugly as Mike Tyson’s and I would have no idea. It would serve them right. They rant about socialism when all I want to know is, did they get my Christmas card and where’s the $50 they still owe me?

You can be liberal or conservative or a 14-toed, purple, hairy-bellied, jellybean-pooping sloth. Just don’t bring politics to a place where I’m expecting cat photos and YouTube.

Facebook is supposed to be light and diversionary. It’s where I get my fix for old Hall & Oates videos. It’s how families keep in touch. And, yes, it’s even home to the occasional video of a 50-pound hamster in a tiny leprechaun hat.

What it’s not is your 24-hour carte blanche newsfeed to post whatever addled political thought pops into your dingy head like a ceaseless drizzling faucet of stupid. Odds are you’re voting for either Romney or Obama and you made up your mind long before a candidate was ever announced.

In fact, percentages say you’re probably voting for the same political party you’ve always voted for. It’s also probably the same political party your parents voted for and your wife votes for, your best friend votes for, your pastor votes for . . . see the pattern here?

And regardless of who wins or loses in November, is the world really going to end? I mean, c’mon. Really?

So, please, spare me the 10-15 minutes of daily “reasoned” argument on my Facebook wall, when all you’re doing is regurgitating something you skimmed or misheard and probably distorted.

When one of us hits the “accept” button for a Facebook friend request, it’s an unspoken agreement that, sure, we may never go camping together or come over for Manwiches, but we’re going to do our best not to spam each other like a wayward Nigerian prince.

It’s bad enough when solicitors call me on the phone or ring my doorbell. Don’t add to the noise pollution with how you think we’re going to solve the deficit or fix health care. Especially when it’s one Facebook post away from a drunken sunburned picture of you at the river with a toilet seat around your neck.

The next time you’re tempted to post something on Facebook about the presidential race, get a shovel, go in your back yard and dig a really deep hole. Then climb in the hole and wait for me to come by and fill it in.

Or better yet, get out and actually do something. Volunteer at a call center. Pass out fliers in front of Walmart. Hell, even put a sign in your front yard.

Or here’s an idea: Instead of following around some yahoo like a lovesick Justin Beiber fan, get out and actually run for political office.

I still wouldn’t vote for you. Thanks to Facebook, I don’t even know you exist.