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Thursday, November 17, 2005

The circle of trust

"F**k yo couch, n***a!"

Today, at 1500 Central Standard Time, I made a big mistake at work.

It wouldn't be considered a big mistake outside of work, or even a "mistake" at all...but in terms of the fuck ups that one can make whilst performing duties at a call center...one could call it pretty big.

I was getting ready to leave after my shift this afternoon and I was actually leaving on time. I stood up from my desk with my bag, my headset, and my empty coffee up...and instead of hitting the button that would make my phone unavailable to receive more incoming calls, I hit the button that sent the next incoming call to my phone.

Except my headset was not on my head and I had all my shit in my hands, ready to get the hell out of there.

So, I pushed the 'Release' button, hung up on the customer and bounced.

And, I must say, it felt pretty damn good. Could get fired or in trouble, but I don't give a fuuuuuuuuuck. Have I mentioned that I hate my piece of shit job?!

Though, I must admit that lately I have derived great pleasure from reading over the stolen car reports that customers call in to us. It is awesome...like daytime talk shows, but without the sound or the pictures or the paternity tests. In other words, the most interesting part of my day between 6:30am and 3pm.

A lot of the stolen car reports come from stupid customers who think the vehicle has been stolen, but in reality they illegally parked somewhere and their rental car got impounded. That is boring.

Then you have a smaller number of people who've been carjacked. Admittedly, this sucks for the customer, but can be a paydirt of a read...for me.

But those two situations aside, the majority of the stolen car reports fall under two categories:

1.) Dumbasses who left the keys in the ignition and the doors open, so that they could "run into the store/house/hotel/etc to get something real quick"

This is funny to me purely from the "I like to laugh at people who do retarded shit" standpoint. And they all say the same damn thing, it just sounds so pathetic. Sure, I've left the keys in the ignition, with the door open, and the engine running while I run inside to get whatever it happens to be that I forgot...but I'm aware this is a foolish thing to do. In fact, I'm surprised everytime I come back out and the car is still there. And I appologize in advance, Robbyn, should your jeep get stolen one day as a result of my ignorance.

2.) Friends/family/significant others who take the rental car.

Now this shit is really funny, because if someone I know rented a car, my first thought would not be "Lemme go take this baby for a joyride, yeah!" My personal favorite, however, is the "revenge theft" -- the ex-boyfriend or girlfriend (or sometimes current significant other of the renter) who will steal the car to get back at the customer. Those renters are fun to talk to as well. Cause they're all like, "I know that triflin' ass bitch has my car!" And I'm like, "Call the po-po, son...why are you calling me?!"

I've done read about parents/kids/grandparents who have stolen their kid's/parent's/grandchild's rental car. It is all comedy to me.

But I'm not a total monster, I understand the panic that goes through one's mind when facing the possibility of losing a borrowed vehicle. During Spring Break of my senior year, Hannah placed her electric blue Taurus (aka Delores the Clitaurus) in my care, while she went off to some soccer retreat.

I had gone to Liquors 44 and Blockbuster earlier in the day had parked the car right in front of Hopkins House. I had committed to an evening of watching Monty Python's The Meaning of Life and Was tun, wenn's brennt, while polishing off a 12-pack of Killian's, but before I could get started, I looked out the window and noticed that I no longer could see Hannah's car.

So, I did what any rational person would do...I had a few beers and called Public Safety, who called the Northampton Police, who reported the car to be stolen...then I left a teary, panicked message on Hannah's voicemail saying that someone stole her car...

Then, I pounded that 12-pack and watched my movies before passing out.

Turns out, Hannah got back home early, had a spare set of keys and picked up her car earlier in the evening to go to Dunkin Donuts or something like that...

The moral of this tale is that comedy is everywhere, my friends, you just have to know where to look and have some beer on hand to kill the time before the punchline arrives.