xoJanehttp://www.xojane.com/
enCopyright 2015 Say Media, Inc.http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rssTue, 03 Mar 2015 16:16:50 -0800RECIPE OF THE WEEK: Pinterest Recipes That Don't Suck<!-- tml-version="2" --><p>Hello fellow food influencers, and welcome to another Recipe of the Week (#ROTW on the social medias). I wanted to start out by extending a heartfelt thank you to everyone who contributed a dip recipe last week. These babies got me through a tough weekend of binge-watching <em>House of Cards</em> and <em>Star Trek</em>.</p><p>The most up-voted recipe was WhiskeyTangoFoxtrotAgain's Redneck Cheese Spread:</p><div tml-image="ci01c8650750019512" tml-image-caption="Redneck tested, redneck approved." tml-render-layout="inline"><figure><img src="http://a3.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,w_620/MTI4NDYzNjcwOTI0NTgwMTE0.png" /><figcaption>Redneck tested, redneck approved.</figcaption></figure></div><p>As someone with hearty redneck stock, I feel I'm authorized to say that this dip is trashy delicious. I love a salty spread, and this ball of savory goodness delivered the sodium in the best way possible. The chipped beef brings the umami while the tang of Duke's balances the salt, keeping you coming back for more. I think I ate at least half of the ball all by myself.</p><div tml-image="ci01c864e0a00199de" tml-image-caption="Who doesn't love a ball of cheese?" tml-render-layout="inline"><figure><img src="http://a2.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,q_80,w_620/MTI4NDYzNTAzNDIwODY4NjE4.jpg" /><figcaption>Who doesn't love a ball of cheese?</figcaption></figure></div><p>Your trophy WhiskeyTangoFoxtrotAgain, is "Don't Cry Genocide," the song that Pussy Riot and Le Tigre wrote for <em>House of Cards</em>. (Because this dip is what I shoveled in my mouth while watching <em>House of Cards</em>, you see.)</p><p>This week, I couldn't limit myself to just one Claire's Choice. The cheese ball had sent me on the path of "disgustingly delicious," and there was no turning back. I picked a savory and a sweet option that I felt would compliment the Redneck Spread, and made it a meal of dips.&nbsp;</p><p>Given my vocal support of all things brined, I bet no one is surprised that my savory choice was Pickle Dip (provided by the brilliant and talented wonkyone15) .</p><div tml-image="ci01c8650760012a83" tml-image-caption="Glorious pickle dip." tml-render-layout="inline"><figure><img src="http://a4.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,w_620/MTI4NDYzNjcwOTI0NTkzMTYy.png" /><figcaption>Glorious pickle dip.</figcaption></figure></div><p>It's so simple, yet there are so many options. I stuck with the classic Claussen, and stirred in both pureed and chopped pickles for the ultimate Pickle Dip experience. I think it could be fun to play around with different brines and vegetables. You could throw in some bread and butter chips, or maybe some half-sours; perhaps a pickled green bean or okra.</p><div tml-image="ci01c864e080012a83" tml-image-caption="A classic pickle dip." tml-render-layout="inline"><figure><img src="http://a1.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,q_80,w_620/MTI4NDYzNTAzNDIwODU2Nzk4.jpg" /><figcaption>A classic pickle dip.</figcaption></figure></div><p>Wonkyone15's trophy is "String Bean Jean" by Belle &amp; Sebastian, because I'd really like to try this with pickled string beans.</p><p>Rounding out my meal of dips is something that is sweet <em>and</em> nostalgic, Dunkaroo Dip, provided by one of my new favorite people: sarainadream.</p><div tml-image="ci01c86507600199de" tml-image-caption="A blast from my past." tml-render-layout="inline"><figure><img src="http://a5.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,w_620/MTI4NDYzNjcwOTI0NjU4Njk4.png" /><figcaption>A blast from my past.</figcaption></figure></div><p>It's been a long time since I've had actual Dunkaroos and, honestly, I never had them much as a child. My mom wouldn't buy them so they were consumed mostly at the homes of friends.</p><p>I was a bit skeptical that the cake mix would incorporate into the Cool Whip/yogurt mixture, but it blended in beautifully.</p><div tml-image="ci01c864e0800199de" tml-image-caption="Dunkaroo Dip, a.k.a &quot;Funfetti Dip,&quot; a.k.a. &quot;Cake Batter Dip.&quot;" tml-render-layout="inline"><figure><img src="http://a1.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,q_80,w_620/MTI4NDYzNTAzNDIwODI4Mjkx.jpg" /><figcaption>Dunkaroo Dip, a.k.a "Funfetti Dip," a.k.a. "Cake Batter Dip."</figcaption></figure></div><p>Tragically, I couldn't find any kangaroo-shaped cookies, so I settled on vanilla cupcake-flavored Goldfish. The result was magical; this stuff really is dipable birthday cake.</p><p>Sarainadream, you did a great thing. And your trophy is "Forever and a Day" by Stephin Merritt because I want to marry this dip and be with it forever and ever.</p><p>All of three of these were delectable and photogenic. Some might even say they're "Pinterest-worthy."&nbsp;</p><p>Recently, I've been pinning it up on my xoJane Pinterest board, "<a href="https://www.pinterest.com/xojanedotcom/xoclaire/">xoClaire</a>." It's mostly food, drinks, pretty bathtubs, <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/pin/68891069276980301/">pro-cake propaganda</a>, and more food. I enjoy doing it, but sometimes the <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/categories/food_drink/">Food &amp; Drink section</a> of the site can be a little repetitive. <em>How many</em> foods can&nbsp;be cooked in a Crock-Pot? <em>Must</em> every cocktail be pink or blue?<em> Why</em> so many packets of Hidden Valley Ranch?</p><p>But every once in a while, I'll find something on there that really does make my life easier, prettier, or tastier. Without Pinterest, I may never have found this <a href="http://www.abeautifulmess.com/2013/08/nutella-breakfast-cereal.html">Nutella breakfast cereal</a>, these <a href="http://foodgio.com/mini-cheese-ball-bites/">mini cheese balls</a>, or this <a href="http://www.last.fm/music/David+Bowie+&amp;+Mick+Jagger/+images/21324161">picture of Jagger and Bowie.</a></p><p>If you are also on Pinterest, you probably have at least one recipe worth sharing. The recipe can be for either a food or beverage, and the winning recipes will be featured in next week's post and shared on xoJane's Pinterest board.</p>Yum yummity yum.http://www.xojane.com/fun/best-pinterest-recipes
http://www.xojane.com/fun/best-pinterest-recipesFunTue, 03 Mar 2015 15:00:00 -0800Claire LowerxoGEEK: 8 Things I’d Like to See Female Video-Game Protagonists Do More Often<!-- tml-version="2" --><div tml-image="ci01c8801d2001c80a" tml-image-caption="" tml-render-layout="inline"><figure><img src="http://a4.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,w_620/MTI4NDkzNDUwODg1NjA2MDE5.png" /><figcaption></figcaption></figure></div><p>News flash: The gaming world is a really unfriendly place for women. Gamergate — the viral bullying, harassment, and threat campaign against female game developers and journalists — has brought that fact into the international spotlight. But, don’t be mistaken. Sadly, this particular dilemma has gone on for way longer than Gamergate has existed. </p><p>Allow me to share a few statistics with you. A proud <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/sep/18/52-percent-people-playing-games-women-industry-doesnt-know">52 percent of gamers are women</a>. Despite being the majority consumer, women are video-game protagonists only 24 percent of the time. Put another way, a staggering 76 percent of solo video-game protagonists are male. On top of that, there is <a href="http://radford.edu/~mzorrilla2/thesis/gamerepresentation.html">only one female character for every five male characters</a>&nbsp;in video games. In games with coed main characters, males are also <a href="http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs11199-007-9250-0">much likelier</a> to appear on video-game covers than women. </p><p>Pretty hard to feel welcome in the gaming room as a lady with numbers like that floating around.</p><p>As if those numbers aren’t bad enough, I’m gonna level with you. Out of the 24 percent of female video-game protagonists who are women, a lot of them suck. Yes, I said it: They suck. There are a few really, really good ones out there (I'm looking at you, Elizabeth from "Bioshock Infinite"), but for every well-rounded lady badass, there's a handful of duds. These duds are frequently over-sexualized (see Juliet from "Lollipop Chainsaw"), or defined by their relationship to a man in one way or another (see Madison Paige in "Heavy Rain").&nbsp;</p><p>But more infuriating than that, really, is that these female protagonists are just plain unrealistic. So many of them aren't living real, substantial experiences like their male counterparts, and I'd really like to see that change.</p><p>I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty appalled that it’s 2015 and we are still having this tired conversation about giving female video-game characters more fleshed out, believable roles in the art form. As a long-time gamer and proud feminist killjoy, I’m craving nuanced writing that uplifts women and showcases character development the way so many games today are doing for male characters. </p><p>Boiled down even further, there are some things I would love to see more female video-game characters do. Here is a small sampling: </p><h3>1. Break a Heart</h3><p>I won’t lie to you: I love a compelling romance arc in video games. When I finally got Anders as a lover in "Dragon Age II" (even if it did mean ending things with Isabela), I was super pumped about it. There’s always going to be a soft spot in my heart for what I call the "squee" factor. </p><p>The unfortunate part of a lot of these romance arcs, however, is that they’re mainly focused on "getting the girl." Especially considering we’re playing as men 76 percent of the time, it gets a little tiresome. I would love, and I mean <em>love</em>, to see a female protagonist break the heart of a man or woman. And that’s not because I’m a sadist, but rather because I’d love to see a woman in a video game know herself enough to do what’s right for her, and to make that choice firmly with no exceptions. Which carries me to my second point ...</p><h3>2. Not Fall in Love</h3><p>We can’t all be heartbreakers, but who’s to say we have to fall in love at all? It’s more than possible to save the world without a romantic interest at your side. In fact, it’s probably easier, because all that googly-eyed hoo-ha is bound to distract you from slaying dragons and looting corpses. </p><h3>3. Have a (Believable) Orgasm</h3><p>If our female protagonist is going to do the aforementioned googly-eyed hoo-ha thing, or just sleep around for funsies (What a concept!), it’d be great if she could enjoy herself. And I mean <em>really</em> enjoy herself. I get that ratings are a thing that can’t be avoided, but if you’re going to bother writing and animating sex, make it look good.&nbsp;</p><p>Besides, if Kratos from "God of War III" can get it on whenever he wants, what’s so wrong about affording the same courtesy to our plucky heroine?</p><h3>4. Eat</h3><p>Sometimes, a girl needs a burrito. Considering we already live in a world where seven million American women are currently suffering from an eating disorder, I think video games would make a nice outlet for showing healthy relationships between women and food. A relationship with food, period, would be a good starting point.</p><h3>5. Poop</h3><p>Surprise, women poop! I know we like to pretend we don’t, but we’re gonna do ourselves a favor and stop denying ourselves the right to exist and function as normal organisms, okay? Everybody poops, including gorgeous, mysterious ladies who battle zombies or hack computers.&nbsp;</p><p>And before you tell me video-game characters don’t poop, they totally do (see "Heavy Rain," "The Sims," "Duke Nukem," etc). Not that I like, want to physically see the pooping occur, but just to know that we went to the ladies' room and something happened other than powdering our noses or looking wistfully into the mirror would be helpful.</p><h3>6. Be Ugly</h3><p>According to research done by <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGlJdXwOYWM&amp;list=PL8B35CA833DCDA9A4&amp;app=desktop">Jimquisition</a>, there is only ONE video game in existence with an ugly female protagonist who isn’t motivated by male approval, and that’s Vertigo from "Primal Rage," circa 1995. 1995, you guys. It’s been 20 years since then, and it’s safe to say we haven’t seen any other prominent examples.</p><p>This one strikes a particular cord with me because it harps on this idea that women have some kind of responsibility to be conventionally attractive, and only women who achieve this goal have stories worth telling. Because why bother telling the story of a woman who’s elderly, fat, disfigured, or balding? They aren’t people, right? Right? Wrong. Let’s stop buying into this shallow, outdated idea that women need to be pretty to be interesting. </p><h3>7. Have a Family</h3><p>It doesn’t seem to occur to video-game writers and developers that women don’t just disappear out of the realm of existence after their teens and early 20s. There are plenty of brave, strong heroines out there who have families, namely spouses and children. I would be thrilled to see more games with a mom as a protagonist, kicking ass and taking names to protect her children and herself. </p><h3>8. Exist</h3><p>If the statistics I mentioned above tell us anything, it’s that the video-game industry needs to recognize its rapidly shifting consumer demographics. We’ve hashed and rehashed the conversation about representation of women in video games, and many of us have paid a very heavy price for raising our voices when the rest of the gaming world would rather us be quiet. But despite a very loud minority of people who would rather make the gaming world a close-minded community of male chauvinists, there are so many women and girls who enjoy video games, and spend their hard-earned money on them. </p><p>We deserve more female characters, better female characters, who tell our stories and to whom we can relate.&nbsp;</p>Out of the 24 percent of female video-game protagonists who are women, a lot of them suck.http://www.xojane.com/issues/female-protagonists-in-video-games
http://www.xojane.com/issues/female-protagonists-in-video-gamesIssuesTue, 03 Mar 2015 14:00:00 -0800Suzanne SaminIT HAPPENED TO ME: Everything That Could Have Gone Wrong on My 30th Birthday Did<!-- tml-version="2" --><p>We all have our own neurotic expectations for and anxiety over our birthdays. Sometimes it's because our parents went nuts when we were little, and a grown-up birthday without a mountain of presents and pony rides just can't ever measure up. Some of us deal with the crippling fear of growing older every year.&nbsp;</p><p>For me, after trudging through nearly a decade of mediocre friendships in a new city, the celebration of a birthday seemed like the time for friends to redeem themselves. They're supposed to come out of the woodwork, make the drive from LA's west side, get off of work &nbsp;—&nbsp;whatever, just make the damn effort to see me. Yet my attempts at birthdays have been routinely disappointing. Almost no one shows, no one bakes me a cake, no one brings presents. It's not about stuff, of course — it's about a thoughtful gesture and others making the effort to make me feel special.&nbsp;</p><p>For once, my 30th birthday seemed to be going well. There was a good turnout, a mishmash of old friends: work friends, actor friends, etc.&nbsp;</p><p>But let's rewind for a moment, shall we?</p><p> I moved to Los Angeles in 2005. By the next spring, I had joined a women's soccer team. I had played in high school, and while I was never a great player, it was something I enjoyed, and I thought it would be a good way to meet people and get exercise. I enjoyed it and stuck with the team for years.&nbsp;</p><div tml-image="ci01c88c659001efe2" tml-image-caption="I look like a legit soccer player, right?" tml-render-layout="inline"><figure><img src="http://a5.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,q_80,w_620/MTI4NTA2OTU2Njc4NzMxMDI2.jpg" /><figcaption>I look like a legit soccer player, right?</figcaption></figure></div><p>Several years into it, one of the unofficial captains of the team, Candice, asked if any of us needed part-time work. She managed a nonprofit music school and was looking for a few receptionists. I said I was interested and she hired me right away.&nbsp;</p><p>Candice is the kind of person who would constantly preaching about how the team and the school were a “family” and a “community.”&nbsp;She was also the kind of boss who would give vague instructions for a task, yet get frustrated when it wasn't completed to her expectations. She was extremely passive-aggressive and completely unqualified to be running a nonprofit (she has a degree in art history). Yet before long, it seemed like Candice was picking on me. She'd throw fits, saying I didn't clean well enough and that the place looked like a disaster when a news crew came to do an interview. (I realized later I had forgotten to empty a small trash can.)&nbsp;</p><p>It was starting to feel like the headache wasn't worth it. I generally enjoyed the job, the kids, and most of the teachers, but for the meager pay and inability to work anywhere near full-time hours, I was starting to feel uneasy.&nbsp;And it seemed like she was picking on me on the field, too, keeping a particularly close eye on me and making sure to point out my failures. I know I was never an amazing player, but I had a good attitude and gave it my all.&nbsp;</p><p>So, back to my birthday celebration. Things were going swimmingly, but somewhere around midnight, I noticed that my wallet was missing. I had stupidly left my purse unattended on a bench seat. My phone was in my pocket, my keys were still there, and even a birthday card was left untouched; but the wallet was gone, as well as a digital camera. This, of course, soured the night immediately.&nbsp;</p><div tml-image="ci01c88c60f00199de" tml-image-caption="Me, on the right, with some friends I can rely on to come to my birthday parties." tml-render-layout="inline"><figure><img src="http://a2.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,q_80,w_620/MTI4NTA2OTM2ODE0NTIwMzMw.jpg" /><figcaption>Me, on the right, with some friends I can rely on to come to my birthday parties.</figcaption></figure></div><p>A friend drove me home and helped me cancel my credit cards. I had about two dollars in the wallet, so not a real financial loss; just a pain in the ass.&nbsp;I woke up super-grumpy the next morning, with my only want in the world being an omelet ... yet I had no way to purchase said omelet. The DMV sent me a new license quickly, and new ATM/credit cards were also issued.&nbsp;</p><p>The following Friday, while at my acting class, I got several calls in a row from an unknown number. Usually I'd ignore them, but because of the repetition, I answered. The person on the other end of the phone said he had found my wallet in his friend's car (?) and wanted to return it. (My actor business cards have my phone number on them, thus his ability to reach me.) I was anxious to get back my license, just so it wasn't out floating in the world. The guy agreed to meet me at a nearby gas station to do the trade-off.&nbsp;</p><p>I waited at the gas station for about an hour as he continually sent me updates as to why he wasn't there yet. He mentioned something about how the person that stole from me also stole a laptop from him, so he was going to that person's apartment to scope it out. Then the dude wouldn't let him leave. Then the neighbors had him blocked in. After an hour, I told him I wasn't waiting for him anymore. He agreed to meet me later when I was out of work. I told him to meet me at my local bar. I know the owner, the door guy, and a handful of regulars, one of whom is a cop. I explained to all of them what was going on.&nbsp; </p><p>The guy was late and continued to text me. He mentioned something about the camera, which was not mentioned before. He asked if there were any pictures on it that I wouldn't want anyone to see, and if he could look at them. I said sure, knowing it was pictures of my parents' dog and the like. (This creeped me out so hard — like if I had said no, was he going to respect that? Ick.) Finally, he said “come outside.”&nbsp;</p><p>I was pretty terrified at this point. I stood nervously against the side of the building, and all of a sudden, he appeared. I don't think he even said anything; he just reached into what I remember being comically deep pockets and pulled out a stack of cards, my ID, extra business cards, a fro-yo stamp card — all of it, as well as my camera with its case. I said "Thank you" and went inside.&nbsp;</p><p>I took a deep, deep breath, thinking that this was over. But then the guy started calling me again! I just stared at the phone, frozen. Seamus, the owner of the bar and an all-around good dude, took the phone, went outside, and answered it. He came back a few minutes later and says, “I'm sorry, honey, he's just a crazy cokehead.”&nbsp;</p><p>He kept texting me, saying that he told his wife about me and she feels sorry for me, and that if I need some real friends, they will take care of me, that I should come over for dinner. Like, WHAT?! I sat at the bar all night, trying to calm down, feeling so freaked out and scared. My old address was on my license, but my new apartment was only a few blocks away; I live alone and going home seemed really scary. I didn't feel like there was anyone I knew well enough in the neighborhood that I could ask to crash at their place. At last call, I finally headed home.&nbsp;</p><p>I think I slept okay, but I definitely didn't make it to the 8 a.m. soccer game I had promised I would be at. Amanda, the goalie and other unofficial captain, called me that afternoon. I thought she was calling to check up on the dues I owed. Nope. I was canned from the team because they were looking for girls with "commitment" who were going to show up. I had been on the team for five years at that point. I had played in 95-degree weather on turf, I had played down a player for 90 minutes, I had played in all sorts of lousy conditions with plenty of diva teammates who wouldn't pass to me if their life depended upon it. Yes, I was usually late, but I was always there, and as long as I got my damn #18 jersey and a Gatorade at the end of the game, I had a smile on my face and I tried my damnedest.&nbsp;</p><p>One of my biggest flaws is how terrified I am of confrontation. Instead of calling Amanda back, explaining the situation and telling her to hold the fucking phone, I let it go. I crumbled into a sad pile and just sobbed, totally broken by all that had recently happened. </p><p> Come Sunday, I was presented with an interesting conundrum: the job. Candice was still my boss, yet she had clearly helped make the decision to axe me from the team. I thought about it and knew by the end of the shift that I couldn't work for her anymore. She had found a way to weed me out from the team, and I knew she'd do the same thing with the job, so I decided to leave on my own terms.&nbsp;</p><p>I emailed her with my two weeks notice, trying to be respectful and grown-up, and not screw my coworkers. She responded the next day saying it was not necessary for me to finish the rest of my shifts. She did not allow me the professional courtesy of saying good-bye to my friends and coworkers, where I had worked for more than three years.&nbsp;</p><p>I got a new job within a week — one that was much closer to my house, where I made much better money — but it took me a very long time to understand how a person could act so callously. I had a relatively drama-free time in high school and I was shocked to be faced with the petty, catty underhandedness I thought was reserved for teenage girls. The calm part of me reasoned that I no longer had to deal with this awful woman and I could begin to blossom without her stealing my sunshine.&nbsp;</p><p> I ran into Candice recently at an art opening. It had been nearly four years since I had seen her. My stomach dropped when I saw her, knowing that at some point in the evening, we would be forced to make small talk. She infuriatingly talked to me as if we were old friends that had lost touch. She mentioned without a hint of irony what some of the girls from the team were up to and said it was really good to see me. Clearly she has no perspective that she effectively severed my relationships with anyone on the team.&nbsp;</p><p>I fantasized that I would run into her, say exactly all the right things to shame, insult, and thoroughly sadden her and walk out with a giant satisfied look on my face while onlookers were stunned by my cutting eloquence. Because that's what movies have taught me; you can have one perfect moment of redemption to make up for years of mistreatment. But we all know that doesn't happen. I was so shaken that I cried in the bathroom before making a hasty exit.</p><p> The take away? Turning 30 was epically traumatic but not for any of the reasons one might think. And if I can manage to keep all forthcoming birthdays as small events with a few good friends and some delicious baked goods, then I will call that a win.&nbsp;</p>Can't a girl celebrate without losing her wallet, her job, and her spot on a soccer team?http://www.xojane.com/it-happened-to-me/worst-birthday-ever
http://www.xojane.com/it-happened-to-me/worst-birthday-everIt Happened To MeTue, 03 Mar 2015 13:00:00 -0800Anna BaragiolaI Love Smearing Chemicals All Over My Face But I'm Trying a "Skin Cleanse" Anyway<!-- tml-version="2" --><p>I love chemicals&nbsp;—&nbsp;specifically artificial, man-made chemicals&nbsp;—&nbsp;smeared all over&nbsp;my&nbsp;face. I like to imagine that these chemicals were whipped together in a lab, simmering and bubbling in test tubes and beakers, waiting to be emulsified into a lightly scented cream, later packaged for my consumption. I want to glow and look young forever, and protect my delicate epidermis from any earthly element. </p><p>If you keep up with my writing, you can tell that I compartmentalize my health. While I’ve spoken in-depth about the&nbsp;<a href="http:// http://www.xojane.com/beauty/eat-your-beauty-products-for-clear-skin-and-long-hair#comments">skin serving as a reflection of internal healt</a><a href="http:// http://www.xojane.com/beauty/eat-your-beauty-products-for-clear-skin-and-long-hair#comments">h</a>,&nbsp;this consciousness does not prevent me from finding the most potent topical treatments that exist. (Last night, my feet were marinating in a <a href="http://www.xojane.com/beauty/baby-feet-snakeskin-foot-peel]">Korean foot peel</a>&nbsp;where microscopic fruit acids chomped away at my callouses.)</p><p>But then I read words in Adina Grigore’s (the mastermind behind Brooklyn skin-care brand, S.W. Basics) book <em>Skin Cleanse</em>&nbsp;that caused my brain to short circuit: "We’ve been spending years and years shifting our conversation about food ... Yet somehow this idea still has not crossed over into our conversation about skin care."</p><div tml-image="ci01c88b7cf0012a83" tml-image-caption="Face book … get it? Heh. Skin Cleanse: The Simple, All-Natural Program for Clear, Calm, Happy Skin,&amp;nbsp;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.amazon.com/Skin-Cleanse-Simple-All-Natural-Program/dp/0062332554&quot;&gt;$19.&lt;/a&gt;" tml-render-layout="inline"><figure><img src="http://a2.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,q_80,w_620/MTI4NTA1OTU3NTYxOTY1MDIy.jpg" /><figcaption>Face book … get it? Heh. Skin Cleanse: The Simple, All-Natural Program for Clear, Calm, Happy Skin,&amp;nbsp;&lt;a href="http://www.amazon.com/Skin-Cleanse-Simple-All-Natural-Program/dp/0062332554"&gt;$19.&lt;/a&gt;</figcaption></figure></div><p>Fuck, she’s right — as much as I can preach the benefits of healthy gut flora, I don’t hesitate to have an aesthetician prod my pores with lancets before slathering on <a href="ttp://www.xojane.com/beauty/first-facial">unidentifiable astringents</a>.&nbsp;If you also consider retinol as essential as kale, then we have a lot in common. </p><p>"Many of my clients have spent a huge part of their adult lives educating themselves about how to eat the 'right way.' They know to avoid processed foods, they try to buy local and organic, and they try to eat lots of vegetables. But when it comes to their skin care, they use the absolute worst — and they use a lot of them. When I dare to bring up the fact that maybe they aren’t using the healthiest products they could be, they are usually not happy to receive this information. Not even a little."</p><p>NOT EVEN A LITTLE. I concur with Grigore’s patients, because I also felt nauseous at the suggestion that my seven-step skin-care routine was gratuitous. Cleanser, mask, facial spray, anti-aging serum, moisturizer, oil, eye cream ... these are all products I layer onto my face every night. I’m not consistent with my selection of brands either, so my ingredient intake is through the roof. </p><p>No wonder my formerly silky skin has been so pissed at me lately. Ironically, my first experience with pimples occurred at the beginning of my job as a beauty writer, where virtually every formula is accessible. My daily routine involves so many potions that I can’t tell what is working or making me breakout. </p><p>In her book, Grigore touches on an interesting concept called “skin shame," essentially identifying our fear of dullness, aging, and sun damage that marketing companies instill in us. This fear compels us to overcompensate with an arsenal of products. I totally do that, and secretly enjoy becoming a victim to marketing schemes.</p><p>So — what the hell — I accepted Adina Grigore’s <em>Skin Cleanse</em> challenge of a full 24-hours sans products. (However, I did use soap and deodorant because, ew ....) I chose a snowy, barefaced weekend spent indoors, where I only left my apartment to do laundry or go to the gym. For good measure, I also resisted the temptation of pepperoni pizza, and I consumed fairly healthy meals. </p><p>The <em>Skin Cleanse</em> author recommends cleansing with only water, and allowing the skin to clean itself by expelling and eliminating waste toxins through sweat and a friendly ecosystem of healthy bacteria. In the morning, I massaged my face with warm water in the shower, and kept my medicine cabinet shut after toweling dry. This was arguably the hardest part of my cleanse.&nbsp;</p><p>Shockingly enough, my face did not feel dry or tight like I expected — like after using a traditional cleanser. This comfortable level of moisture was maintained throughout the day, and I had no desire to reach for an oil-blotting sheet.</p><p>Before bed, I noticed that the formerly angry, greasy pimples on my forehead had calmed into tiny dry, tan lumps. I can’t wait to pick at you, I thought, before slapping myself back to reality. </p><p>After 24-hours, my skin felt so good that I kept the cleanse going — and 48 hours later the pimples were gone, but I noticed a slight dullness at the end of the day, like I needed to exfoliate. Oil was beginning to build up slightly on my T-Zone, and I knew that my addiction would resurface. </p><p>Post challenge, cleansing and moisturizing with a single recommended oil-blend (a vial-ed mix of avocado, geranium, turmeric, and coffee oil) was the last straw for my forehead, where it screamed, "FUCK YOU, I WANT CREAMS!!" before bubbling into an island of painful eyebrow pimples. Under normal circumstances, I would start planning my eulogy, but purging my routine meant I could isolate which product was causing my breakout — the only product.&nbsp;</p><p>I resisted the urge to gargle with salicylic acid and returned to using only water as a cleanser. This pimple experience was the weirdest of my life — normally skin mountains live a long, flourishing life on my face, thriving and reproducing. The breakout subsided after just one more product-free day.</p><div tml-image="ci01c88b80b0012a83" tml-image-caption="My bitch face looks sooooo much better without ornaments." tml-render-layout="inline"><figure><img src="http://a5.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,q_80,w_620/MTI4NTA1OTczNjY4MDkyMzgy.jpg" /><figcaption>My bitch face looks sooooo much better without ornaments.</figcaption></figure></div><p>At this point, three days into my cleanse, it was fair to deduce that I didn’t actually need the eight products in my multistep routine. You were right, Adina. My skin was relatively clear without them, but … I wanted them. Similar to how a dog still salivates over a Snickers bar despite his dog friend warning, “Yo, don’t eat that. Remember what happened to Kenny?” Skin-care products are my chocolate. </p><p>I referred to the top drawer of my dresser&nbsp;—&nbsp;which is dedicated to beauty products&nbsp;—&nbsp;with a crazed hunger in my eyes, searching for three minimalist formulas with ingredient lists I could pronounce. I selected the <a href="http://www.omorovicza.com/facial-skincare-products/cleansers/cleansing-milk.html">Omorovicza Cleansing Milk</a>, <a href="http:// http://www.sephora.com/premier-cru-elixir-P392250?skuId=1676881">Caudale Premier Cru The Elixir</a>, and <a href="http://www.barneys.com/BY-TERRY-Cellularose-Aqua-Balm-503444443.html">By Terry Cellularose Baume D’Eau</a>.</p><div tml-image="ci01c88b884001c80a" tml-image-caption="I’ve narrowed down a seven-product routine to three essentials. These are the most expensive products I own, but they also possess the best ingredients. Sometimes I cheat and add eye cream at night, but don’t tell .... Omorovicza Cleansing Milk, &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.omorovicza.com/facial-skincare-products/cleansers/cleansing-milk.html&quot;&gt;$80;&lt;/a&gt;&amp;nbsp;Caudalíe Premier Cru The Elixir, &lt;a href=&quot;http://us.caudalie.com/premier-cru-elixir.html&quot;&gt;$99;&amp;nbsp;&lt;/a&gt;By Terry Cellularose Baume D’Eau, &lt;a href=&quot;http://us.spacenk.com/cellularose-baume-d%27eau/MUK200012648.html&quot;&gt;$99.&lt;/a&gt;" tml-render-layout="inline"><figure><img src="http://a2.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,q_80,w_620/MTI4NTA2MDA2MTQ4NzgyNTU4.jpg" /><figcaption>I’ve narrowed down a seven-product routine to three essentials. These are the most expensive products I own, but they also possess the best ingredients. Sometimes I cheat and add eye cream at night, but don’t tell .... Omorovicza Cleansing Milk, &lt;a href="http://www.omorovicza.com/facial-skincare-products/cleansers/cleansing-milk.html"&gt;$80;&lt;/a&gt;&amp;nbsp;Caudalíe Premier Cru The Elixir, &lt;a href="http://us.caudalie.com/premier-cru-elixir.html"&gt;$99;&amp;nbsp;&lt;/a&gt;By Terry Cellularose Baume D’Eau, &lt;a href="http://us.spacenk.com/cellularose-baume-d%27eau/MUK200012648.html"&gt;$99.&lt;/a&gt;</figcaption></figure></div><p>It’s been nearly one week of a consistently streamlined, three-product routine, and I do not have one pimple. My skin is luminous, soft, supple, and most importantly — it glows. Only when I relapse with unnecessary additions to my routine does my skin break out. My oil balance is also in check, proving Adina Grigore’s theory that oiliness is actually your skin’s response to an irritating product — overactive sebaceous glands create oil to protect the skin. I’m even wearing less makeup now, and enjoying the appearance of a more radiant complexion without foundation. </p><p>So what did I learn after my cleanse? As a beauty addict, I need to stop compartmentalizing my health and educate myself on my skin’s natural capabilities, instead of focusing purely on the science behind my products. The "delicate epidermis" I referred to earlier is actually pretty tough. Thanks to the mini-crash course in dermatology in <em>Skin Cleanse,</em> I can appreciate the way my skin regenerates itself, guards my body against heat and bacteria, produces antibodies to fight infection, serves as a window to what is going on inside my body, and allows the sensation of touch (ooh yeah) without the help of my Sephora Beauty Insider points. </p><p>No, I didn’t replace every product with all-natural DIY alternatives, because that just sounds like a really annoying and time-consuming thing to do. I’m still a product junkie deep down, but maybe I’ll resist the temptation to return to my million-step routine. </p><p>Follow Courtney on Twitter and Instagram @courtneypizza&nbsp;</p>I want to glow and look young forever, and protect my delicate epidermis from any earthly element.http://www.xojane.com/beauty/a-product-junkie-tries-a-skin-cleanse
http://www.xojane.com/beauty/a-product-junkie-tries-a-skin-cleanseBeautyTue, 03 Mar 2015 12:30:00 -0800Courtney BrunsonI Tried On Over 100 Wedding Dresses and Still Couldn't Find "The One"<!-- tml-version="2" --><div tml-image="ci01c67b87200199de" tml-image-caption="One of the 100 dresses I tried on." tml-render-layout="inline"><figure><img src="http://a1.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,q_80,w_620/MTI3OTI1NDU5MTc3NTAwNjQy.jpg" /><figcaption>One of the 100 dresses I tried on.</figcaption></figure></div><p>As a 28-year-old bride-to-be who had been working in the fashion business for eight years, I thought that finding my dress was going to be my favorite part of the wedding process. Since I have a petite frame, standing at 5'2'' on a good day, I knew what I wanted: something simple and fitted that came out a little below the knee. A hundred dresses later, the favorite part had become a nightmare.</p><p> A year before my September 7th, 2014 wedding at the Brooklyn Winery, I set out with hope and excitement. I met two of my best girlfriends with wide smiles and giggles at the boho bride favorite and Instagram super star Stone Fox Bride in Soho.&nbsp;</p><p>While the showroom was cozy, the kind of place to hang out with a tub of popcorn and watch <em>Girls</em> in, it unfortunately had a limited range of dresses. While it was fun to indulge in my flower halo fantasy, the half-dozen gowns I tried on didn’t feel quite right. We drank away my disappointment with pressed green juices afterward and said it was okay because it was only the first round.</p><p> Thrilled again for trip two, I went with my two sister-in-laws to Gabriella Bridal in Soho. The selections were beautiful with plenty of beadwork and feathers. I posed in pictures in more than 20 dresses but felt like the dresses were all swallowing me. I couldn't justify the cost of over $5,000 for a dress that I wasn't in love with, especially since I would only be wearing it for eight hours. </p><p> After my years of working for a clothing manufacturer, I knew how much these dresses really cost to make, which generally hovers around 10% of their retail cost. It made me feel nauseous to spend the bloated thousands, but if I found the perfect dress, I was ready to. There is something about weddings that can make even the most rational bride irrational.</p><p> On my next foray, I blew out my hair and did my makeup when I went to the bridal mecca Vera Wang with three friends in tow. It had always been my dream to wear a Vera gown. I would pass the store daily on my way to school as a little girl, excited every time the windows featured a new tulle cupcake creation. They offered us champagne and asked for my budget. I didn't want to be without options so I blurted out, "$10,000."</p><p> "Oh you can try on anything then!" the salesperson excitedly said.</p><p> I tried on 12 gowns, but all of them looked the same; fitted bodices with huge mermaid tails. </p><p> “The bottom reminds me of toilet paper,” my friend said.</p><p> My dream dress wasn’t to be found.</p><p>I decided to go bigger, somewhere with limitless options and a wide range of price points. So, I booked an appointment at Kleinfeld’s. Having never watched <em>Say Yes to the Dress</em>, I wasn't sure what I was getting myself into. My mom and I met the saleslady who said with pride that I must have recognized her from TV. "Oh yes, of course," I lied, not wanting to hurt her feelings.</p><p> I explained to her that I was looking for something simple, but she brought back a few ball gowns with sequins and lace fit for a Miss America pageant. I politely declined.&nbsp;</p><p>Frustrated with me, she offered to take us into the back room. My mom and I searched through racks of tightly packed heavy gowns, sweat beading on our brows as we looked for my dress. As I stood on a pedestal with three mirrors surrounding me, my mom and the sales lady urged me to say yes to what they felt was my best option: a Hollywood glamour white crepe V-neck front, that was backless with a giant bow on my butt. </p><p> "When you've found the one, do you keep looking?" the saleslady asked.</p><p> I wondered how many times she had said that line today. I left Kleinfelds feeling stressed and depressed about my search.</p><p> It was now six months before my wedding. Chances of having a dress made for me were slim. I was facing extra charges for rush fees on delivery and alterations that added 20% to the cost, but I still couldn't pull the trigger on a dress I didn't love.&nbsp; </p><p>Every boutique I went to put pressure on me: "You have to order today or it won't come in time," they stressed.&nbsp;</p><p>I went to Nicole Miller after work. I went to BHLDN on my lunch break. I hated everything. I couldn't find a dress that wasn't wearing me, and people started to make me feel like I was a bad bride.</p><p> By eight months into my dress search, it no longer felt special or exciting to see myself in white lace or satin. My friends had grown weary of taking pictures of me in 100 dresses. My mom was exasperated and told me to get over myself. I began searching the darker depths of the wedding dress underworld. Needing to focus, I set off alone on appointments. I didn't have time to weigh people's opinions on each dress: “You’re totally not fat, but somehow that dress makes you look fat.”&nbsp; </p><p>Salesladies would ask me why I was shopping alone. I was embarrassed to ask my friends and mom to come along again. I went to RK Bridal, to a Vera Wang sample sale, and to a few small showrooms in the garment center, but I came up empty handed.</p><p> Two months before the wedding, I finally ordered a Badgely Mischka dress from Shopbop for $800. It looked exactly like what I had always described, and the price was incomparable. While it wasn't my favorite dress of all time, it was comfortable, and I didn't feel guilty when I saw it all worn, stained and crumpled after its day of glory. I had the time of my life in that dress, and it showed.&nbsp;</p><p>No matter which dress I had picked, the day would have had the same happy ending: I married the man I love.&nbsp;</p><p>All along, it wasn't the dress that mattered.</p><div tml-image="ci01c67b8da0012a83" tml-image-caption="Sealed it with a kiss." tml-render-layout="inline"><figure><img src="http://a2.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,q_80,w_620/MTI3OTI1NDg3MDk0NzY0ODE4.jpg" /><figcaption>Sealed it with a kiss.</figcaption></figure></div>After my years of working for a clothing manufacturer, I knew how much these dresses really cost to make, which generally hovers around 10% of their retail cost.http://www.xojane.com/fashion/saying-no-to-the-dress
http://www.xojane.com/fashion/saying-no-to-the-dressFashionTue, 03 Mar 2015 12:00:00 -0800Vivienne DeckerA UCLA Report Says Diversity Sells — So Why Isn't Hollywood Onboard?<!-- tml-version="2" --><p>UCLA's Bunche Center just released a <a href="http://www.bunchecenter.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/2015-Hollywood-Diversity-Report-2-25-15.pdf">report on diversity</a>&nbsp;(.pdf, sorry) in Hollywood, focusing specifically on race and gender diversity, and revealing two important findings:&nbsp;</p><p>1) People want more racial representation in film and television&nbsp;—&nbsp;regardless of their&nbsp;own race.</p><p>2) Hollywood is not delivering.</p><p>While this research examined race and gender, the findings can likely be extended to other forms of diversity, including disability, religious faith, and sexuality. Particularly among the 18–49 set, the study revealed, film and television audiences aren't just responding positively for diversity but actively asking for it. Over the past few years, it seems, we have reached a critical tipping point for Hollywood, and it's time for the industry to respond, just like the publishing industry is starting to slowly increase the diversity on shelves and in editorial offices, agencies, and other literary professions.&nbsp;</p><div tml-image="ci01c822d0b00199de" tml-image-caption="Lupita Nyong'o is bringing biracial representation to Hollywood. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.flickr.com/photos/disneyabc/16411717067&quot;&gt;Disney | ABC Televison&lt;/a&gt;/Creative Commons" tml-render-layout="inline"><figure><img src="http://a3.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,q_80,w_620/MTI4MzkwODY1ODYwMjA1MDIy.jpg" /><figcaption>Lupita Nyong'o is bringing biracial representation to Hollywood. &lt;a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/disneyabc/16411717067"&gt;Disney | ABC Televison&lt;/a&gt;/Creative Commons</figcaption></figure></div><p>In terms of directors and upper management, women and people of color in Hollywood are radically underrepresented, and the same holds true on-screen. <a href="http://newsroom.ucla.edu/releases/in-hollywood-a-major-disconnect-between-economic-interests-and-business-practices">In the films analyzed</a>, 6.3 percent were directed by women&nbsp;—&nbsp;and 17.8 percent were directed&nbsp;by people of color, who make up an estimated 40 percent of the population. Meanwhile, half of moviegoers are minorities.&nbsp;</p><p>Darnell Hunt, the lead author of the study, <a href="http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/diverse-casts-deliver-higher-ratings-777428">told <em>The Hollywood Reporter</em></a>:</p><blockquote tml-render-layout="inline"><p>It's a high-risk industry. People want to surround themselves with collaborators they're comfortable with, which tends to mean people they've networked with&nbsp;—&nbsp;and nine times out of 10, they'll look similar. It reproduces&nbsp;the same opportunities for the same kind of people: You're surrounding yourself with a bunch of white men to feel comfortable.</p></blockquote><p>Eighty-one percent of actors on broadcast shows are white, with 77 percent on cable. Racial diversity, in terms of representation behind and in front of the camera, might be slowly edging forward. But it's by no means keeping pace with the reality of a world where white people aren't as prevalent as we think we are, and a world where the bottom dollar matters, and people are voting with their wallets for a broader representation of races and ethnicities.</p><div tml-image="ci01c822d090012a83" tml-image-caption="Shonda Rhimes is perhaps the most well-known woman of color behind the camera. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.flickr.com/photos/disneyabc/14476804400&quot;&gt;Disney | ABC Television&lt;/a&gt;/Creative Commons" tml-render-layout="inline"><figure><img src="http://a1.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,q_80,w_620/MTI4MzkwODY1ODYwMTc2NTE1.jpg" /><figcaption>Shonda Rhimes is perhaps the most well-known woman of color behind the camera. &lt;a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/disneyabc/14476804400"&gt;Disney | ABC Television&lt;/a&gt;/Creative Commons</figcaption></figure></div><p>You can also see a good breakdown of <a href="http://blogs.indiewire.com/womenandhollywood/statistics">representation for women at Women and Hollywood</a>, which notes that, for example, only 30 percent of speaking characters on film in 2014 were women. Nearly two-thirds of women on-screen were identified by personal roles&nbsp;—&nbsp;as mothers, for example&nbsp;—&nbsp;and most were in their 20s and 30s,&nbsp;with&nbsp;limited roles for older actresses. The statistics behind the camera are even more grim: for example, one percent of film composers are female. (You'll note that their numbers vary slightly from those of the UCLA study, because they're drawing upon a different data set for a different year&nbsp;—&nbsp;for the full data, check out "<a href="http://womenintvfilm.sdsu.edu/files/2014_Celluloid_Ceiling_Report.pdf">The Celluloid Ceiling</a>.")</p><p>But diversity isn't just about gender or race. And unfortunately, statistics on representation for the LGBQT community and the disabled community are tougher to track down. Fortunately, GLAAD takes the subject on annually with their "Where We Are on TV" report&nbsp;—&nbsp;and the <a href="http://www.glaad.org/files/GLAAD-2014-WWAT.pdf">most recent research</a>, from 2014, reveals a fuller spectrum of the problem of representation on television, at least. While their focus is on television and the study doesn't compile statistics for film, the issues they raise extend to all of Hollywood and indirectly reflect problems with the movie industry.&nbsp;</p><p>According to GLAAD, 1.4 percent of characters on television are disabled. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, <a href="https://www.census.gov/newsroom/releases/archives/miscellaneous/cb12-134.html">20 percent of the population lives with one or more disabilities</a>. Yet, this dismal statistic is actually better than last year's one percent, and for the first time <em>ever, </em>there will be a regular disabled character on every major broadcast network. However, there's a caveat to the increased percentage of disabled characters on TV: that number was heavily inflated by the <em>Red Band Society </em>on Fox, which takes place in a children's hospital and features children with cancer and other health conditions.&nbsp;</p><div tml-image="ci01c822d08001efe2" tml-image-caption="Peter Dinklage represents on Game of Thrones.&amp;nbsp;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.flickr.com/photos/gageskidmore/9350751692&quot;&gt;Gage Skidmore&lt;/a&gt;/Creative Commons" tml-render-layout="inline"><figure><img src="http://a3.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,q_80,w_620/MTI4MzkwODY1ODYwMjY5MzMw.jpg" /><figcaption>Peter Dinklage represents on Game of Thrones.&amp;nbsp;&lt;a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/gageskidmore/9350751692"&gt;Gage Skidmore&lt;/a&gt;/Creative Commons</figcaption></figure></div><p>Anita Hollander, who chairs <a href="http://www.sagaftra.org/content/performers-with-disabilities">SAG-AFTRA's National Performers With Disabilities Committee</a>, noted that most of these were cripface roles, with a much greater representation of actual disabled people in disabled roles on reality television and in advertising. She pointed to <em>Switched at Birth</em> as a rare example of a show that's actually working with disabled talent but, on the bright side, she pointed out that some of television's failed shows included cripface lead characters, suggesting "a lack of authenticity affects what viewers decide to watch." Maybe viewer expectations for disability representation are higher than they used to be.</p><p>In terms of LGBT representation, nearly four percent of series regulars were lesbian, gay, or bisexual on primetime broadcast shows. It's very difficult to pin down accurate statistics on sexuality, but recent data suggests <a href="http://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/research/census-lgbt-demographics-studies/how-many-people-are-lesbian-gay-bisexual-and-transgender/">roughly 3.5 percent</a> of the population is lesbian, gay, or bi&nbsp;—&nbsp;though a much higher percentage has engaged in same-sex sexual activities and reported same-sex attraction, illustrating that sexuality isn't exactly cut-and-dried. GLAAD identified just one trans character&nbsp;—&nbsp;on&nbsp;scripted cable.&nbsp;</p><div tml-image="ci01c822d090019512" tml-image-caption="Bryan Fuller represents gay talent behind the camera. Alan Ball is another high-profile gay director/producer. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.flickr.com/photos/gageskidmore/14586171317&quot;&gt;Gage Skidmore&lt;/a&gt;/Creative Commons" tml-render-layout="inline"><figure><img src="http://a1.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,q_80,w_620/MTI4MzkwODY1ODYwMzM0ODY2.jpg" /><figcaption>Bryan Fuller represents gay talent behind the camera. Alan Ball is another high-profile gay director/producer. &lt;a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/gageskidmore/14586171317"&gt;Gage Skidmore&lt;/a&gt;/Creative Commons</figcaption></figure></div><p>GLAAD also took note of original streaming programming on Amazon, Netflix, and Hulu, and found, as many of us already know, that these sites have a much more diverse spectrum of sexuality and gender than broadcast and cable networks. It's clear that when it comes to diversity across the spectrum, streaming may represent more opportunities, perhaps because as an entirely new form of media, it's not bound by the same rules as traditional Hollywood&nbsp;—&nbsp;and, not for nothing, but audiences have been flocking to original web-only series.&nbsp;</p><div tml-image="ci01c822d060012a83" tml-image-caption="Laverne Cox is taking original streaming by storm, but can we see more trans characters and talent on broadcast and cable, please? &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.flickr.com/photos/glaad/8732465070&quot;&gt;GLADD&lt;/a&gt;/Creative Commons" tml-render-layout="inline"><figure><img src="http://a4.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,q_80,w_620/MTI4MzkwODY1ODYwMjAzNzk0.jpg" /><figcaption>Laverne Cox is taking original streaming by storm, but can we see more trans characters and talent on broadcast and cable, please? &lt;a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/glaad/8732465070"&gt;GLADD&lt;/a&gt;/Creative Commons</figcaption></figure></div><p>According to GLAAD, there's a general trend upward for women, people of color, and LGB people on television. Trans representation is still so minimal that it's hard to make firm commentary on trends&nbsp;—&nbsp;last television season, for example, there was one&nbsp;trans character on prime time, and now there are none.</p><p>These analyses of diversity fail to take a look at issues like class, religion, and origins&nbsp;—&nbsp;also important and underrepresented aspects of our lives. Sadly, much of the&nbsp;conversation about diversity in media has focused on race to the exclusion of other subjects, which results in fewer empirical and useful studies on broader representation. It's definitely time to change that, because we need to know if audiences are responding to and asking for other forms of diversity. Do we know if people want more disabled characters? Are films with LGBQT characters grossing more?&nbsp;</p><p>We need this information to push Hollywood when it comes to diversity. But even as we demand better representation, we also need to ask a key question: Is some representation better than no representation? As Hollander points out, the answer may be, at least in some cases, "no."&nbsp;</p><p>Inauthentic, stereotyped, and actively harmful diverse characters may do more hurt than good, and turn audiences off. If, for example, the number of people of color on screen increased but they were all depicted as drug dealers and prisoners, that wouldn't exactly be racial progress for film and television. Likewise, if we saw a sudden increase in Muslim characters but most of them were terrorists, that's not what we mean when we talk about wanting more diversity.&nbsp;</p><p>Calls for diversity are important, and they need to go hand in hand with demands for good representation.</p><p><em>Featured Image: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/nclr/14914251624">NCLR</a>/Creative Commons</em></p>Why is Hollywood delivering the same old story when audiences are explicitly asking for more?http://www.xojane.com/entertainment/hollywood-diversity-report
http://www.xojane.com/entertainment/hollywood-diversity-reportEntertainmentTue, 03 Mar 2015 11:30:00 -0800s.e. smithIT HAPPENED TO ME: I was on the Phone With My Husband While He was Rocket-Attacked in Iraq<!-- tml-version="2" --><div tml-image="ci01c836673001c80a" tml-image-caption="" tml-render-layout="inline"><figure><img src="http://a1.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,q_80,w_620/MTI4NDEyNDA1OTI2NTIyODUw.jpg" /><figcaption></figcaption></figure></div><p>I don’t get out much these days with two small children at home, but recently I saw a preview for Clint Eastwood’s new movie&nbsp;<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bP1f_1o-zo"><em>American Sniper</em>. </a>Specifically, the part where Taya Kyle, played by Sienna Miller, is on the phone with her husband while he is taking fire hit me right in the gut. I am not sure if I will see the whole movie. Just watching the trailer left me teary-eyed and with a knot in my stomach.</p><p>That's because the same thing happened to me.&nbsp;</p><p>I met my husband in my native Germany, where he was stationed with the Army at the time. We quickly and completely fell in love.</p><p>We married and moved back to the States when he left active duty to go and pursue his own education. It was hard moving across the globe to start a brand new life, supporting ourselves and doing it on our own.</p><p>Two years later, while we were practically still newlyweds, he had to go and serve a tour of duty with the National Guard in Iraq, leaving me and our Great Dane mix Zoe behind.</p><div tml-image="ci01c83655e0012a83" tml-image-caption="Zoe and Hanna, the hounds." tml-render-layout="inline"><figure><img src="http://a3.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,w_620/MTI4NDEyMzMxMzAxNDY2MDgy.png" /><figcaption>Zoe and Hanna, the hounds.</figcaption></figure></div><p>About three months into his deployment, I woke up one morning with a feeling of dread. On the surface, everything seemed normal enough. Zoe, the big lump, was lying next to me on the comforter. She blinked her eyes at me groggily and yawned a Great Dane yawn.&nbsp;</p><p>I scratched Zoe’s belly while trying to push away that feeling. I felt physically ill, so much so that I decided to call in sick to work. There was only one thing on my mind: I had to call him!</p><p>My husband had gotten himself an Iraqi cell phone that I could call with an international calling card. That was a huge bonus since I got to speak with him nearly every day unless he was out on a mission. Often, though, the reception on his end was so poor that it would take a few tries to get the call to go through. That particular morning was especially bad.&nbsp;</p><p>I dialed and dialed but only got the Arabic no-service message over and over again. Morning had turned to early afternoon by then and the string of numbers&nbsp;—&nbsp;first the&nbsp;calling card’s 800-number, then my PIN, then the international phone number&nbsp;—&nbsp;was long etched into my memory, dialing and dialing. My anxiety had reached new&nbsp;and previously unexplored heights by then as I imagined the terrible things that may have happened.</p><p>Suddenly, just like that, the call went through and he answered. He was jovial. I told him about the terrible feeling I had, that I stayed home just to talk to him and how I was starting to freak out a little. He was on his way across base to get some dinner. As the minutes passed, the knot in my stomach started to release.</p><p>I was mid-sentence in some story I was telling him, perhaps about how anxiety-prone Zoe had chewed a new hole in the drywall recently, when I heard him shout, “FUCK, GET DOWN!”</p><p>There was a lot of static and then the connection dropped. I yelled into the receiver for him several times, trying to will the call to come back to life. When I was absolutely certain that he was not on the other end anymore, I immediately started to dial back, hands shaking.</p><div tml-image="ci01c836598000c80a" tml-image-caption="What my world felt like that day." tml-render-layout="inline"><figure><img src="http://a1.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,q_80,w_620/MTI4NDEyMzQ2ODcwNzIyNTMw.jpg" /><figcaption>What my world felt like that day.</figcaption></figure></div><p>Tears were flowing. I was alone, save for Zoe who made sympathetic whining sounds as a mechanical Arabic voice told me the call could not go through. I was sure that somewhere, thousands of miles from home, my husband lay dead. I grabbed Zoe in fists of fur and sobbed into her neck.</p><p>My world stood still. My purgatory was a dial tone followed by no connection, and the whining of a dog who didn't know how to help.</p><p>It was probably an hour later that my phone rang and I heard the sweetest voice I know: “Hey baby, are you okay?”</p><p>It turns out his base had been attacked with 10&nbsp;<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Katyusha_rocket_launcher">Katyusha rockets</a> that night and many other nights, I was told. To him this was normal, though he regretted I had to hear it. To me it was earth-shattering. I knew he was in danger when he went on missions but somehow I had&nbsp;—&nbsp;foolishly&nbsp;—&nbsp;carved out a safe place for him in my mind when&nbsp;I&nbsp;knew he was on base.</p><p>I got to hold him in my arms a few months later when he came home for R&amp;R. Zoe was so excited to see him that she peed a little. I may or may not have, I won’t tell.</p><p>It is now a decade later and together we have made it through post-deployment hardship, financial pressures, my being sick with cancer and, more recently, the birth of our two beautiful children.</p><p>I will never know whether my intuition had anything to do with him remaining unharmed. Maybe our being on the phone delayed his steps and kept him far enough from the place of impact. I don’t know, but I have learned to trust my instincts.</p>I knew he was in danger when he went on missions but somehow I had — foolishly — carved out a safe place for him in my mind when I knew he was on base.http://www.xojane.com/it-happened-to-me/ihtm-on-phone-when-husband-rocket-attacked
http://www.xojane.com/it-happened-to-me/ihtm-on-phone-when-husband-rocket-attackedIt Happened To MeTue, 03 Mar 2015 11:00:00 -0800Anne SchenkA Famous Dermatologist's Why-Didn't-I-Think-of-That Skin-Care Advice For Gym-Goers<!-- tml-version="2" --><p>One of the many perks of being a beauty writer is that it’s not at all weird for me to aggressively ask a famous dermatologist for beauty advice for free. One of the downsides is that their answers usually don’t surprise me. Drink water, eat healthy,<em> blah blah blah</em>. So you can imagine what a shock to the system it was when I tried to solicit advice from <a href="http://www.dennisgrossmd.com/">Dr. Dennis Gross</a> and his answers were actually informative and eye-opening.&nbsp;</p><p>I walked up to the good doctor and asked him to tell me what I should do with my skin. It's sort of egotistical of me to think a man that doesn’t know me would dispense this advice, but an awesome dialogue ensued. (Dr. Gross is really passionate about what he does, which explains why <a href="https://www.dgskincare.com/index.cfm">his products</a> are so good.) &nbsp;Shortly into the conversation, I started talking about some breakouts I’d been having that I thought were related to working out, and what I got back from DDG was pure gold.&nbsp;</p><p>After telling me what I can do now (use the <a href="https://www.dgskincare.com/productdetails.cfm?SKU=BA526910">Clarifying Colloidal Sulfur Mask</a> to clear up my pimples) and later (use <a href="https://www.dgskincare.com/productdetails.cfm?SKU=BA520510">Alpha Beta Peel</a> to even out my skin tone), he gave me sage advice to share with anybody who works out. &nbsp;It went like this:</p><p><strong>Dr. Dennis Gross:</strong> “Beware of wiping your face with industrial towels.”</p><p><strong>Me:</strong> “Huh?” (Guys, I’m super eloquent).&nbsp;</p><p><strong>DDG:</strong> “Bring your own towel to the gym.&nbsp;These industrial detergents and bleaches are all about strong, antiseptic cleaning. If they don’t rinse them thoroughly, there could be residue of detergent left on that towel. And then if you put it to your face when you’re sweating, you essentially have liberated it, and now you have detergent and bleach on your skin.”</p><p><strong>Me:</strong> (I can barely speak because my mind is now blown.) “This makes sense, but I never would’ve thought of that in a million years.”</p><p><strong>DDG:</strong> “Welcome to my world. Especially if you have sensitive skin, make sure to bring your own towel.”</p><p><strong>Me:</strong> (Remembering that I’m supposed to be interviewing this man) “Do you have any other post-gym tips for people with sensitive skin?”</p><p><strong>DDG:</strong> “Of course <em>always</em> work out with your makeup off. Also, if you’ve worked out and your skin is overheated, it may not be the time to use an alcohol-based toner. That’s just going to make your skin even more red, and you can risk breaking blood vessels. Avoid that for at least an hour afterwards.”</p><p><strong>Me:</strong> “Are there any products that you would recommend using after the gym?”</p><p><strong>DDG:</strong> “Something to replenish your skin’s natural moisture barrier, since you’ve depleted it of nutrients. The <a href="https://www.dgskincare.com/productdetails.cfm?SKU=BA533610">Triple C Peptide Firming Oil</a> is good for that.”</p><div tml-image="ci01c889c8b001efe2" tml-image-caption="Triple C Peptide Firming Oil, $62 at &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.dgskincare.com/productdetails.cfm?SKU=BA533610&quot;&gt;dgskincare.com&lt;/a&gt;" tml-render-layout="left"><figure><img src="http://a2.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,q_80,w_620/MTI4NTA0MDgzODgyNDkzOTYy.jpg" /><figcaption>Triple C Peptide Firming Oil, $62 at &lt;a href="https://www.dgskincare.com/productdetails.cfm?SKU=BA533610"&gt;dgskincare.com&lt;/a&gt;</figcaption></figure></div><p><strong>Me:</strong> “See, it’s funny you say that, because I think people think they need to scrub away the sweat and dirt and oil. I don’t think people think about replenishing their skin after the gym. Myself included.”</p><p><strong>DDG:</strong> “You absolutely need to replenish your skin after a workout. You’re sweating out nutrients, you’re wiping your face, you’re depleting.”</p><p>I’m telling you all, I’m forever changed by this conversation. Since talking to Dr. Gross, I have totally revamped my pre- and post-gym skin-care routine.&nbsp;</p><div tml-image="ci01c889c170012a83" tml-image-caption="" tml-render-layout="inline"><figure><img src="http://a5.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,q_80,w_620/MTI4NTA0MDQ4OTg1ODk0ODgy.jpg" /><figcaption></figcaption></figure></div><p>In my gym bag, I’ve started carrying <a href="http://www.drugstore.com/simple-cleansing-micellar-water/qxp543168">Simple Skincare Micellar Cleansing Water</a> to remove my makeup before class without drying my skin out. Clearly, I’ve started carrying my own towel in my bag as well. After class, I do a quick rinse-off with water, and I’ve been using an alcohol-free toner like <a href="http://www.beauty.com/darphin-intral-toner/qxp210260">Darphin Intral Toner</a> (it has chamomile, for when my skin is hella sensitive) or <a href="http://www.sephora.com/black-tea-age-delay-instant-infusion-treatment-toner-P384777">Fresh Black Tea Age-Delay Toner</a> (on days when my skin is feeling normal or more oily than usual).&nbsp;I’m trying to wait until my skin cools down before applying much more than water because I don’t want to irritate it.&nbsp;</p><p>I’ve also been carrying the <a href="http://www.skyniceland.com/product-39-icelandic-relief-eye-pen">Skyn Iceland Icelandic Relief Eye Pen</a>, because eyes need love, too. This guy is portable enough to carry around in my purse, so I should just start taking it with me everywhere to help with my under-eye bags, which are out of control these days.&nbsp;</p><p>Finally, I’ve been making sure to really rehydrate my skin before bed. I’m a night-workout person, so when I get home, I can really use a ton of moisturizing products, like the aforementioned Dr. Dennis Gross Triple C Peptide Firming Oil. If I ever start working out in the morning (honestly, it will probably never happen) then I’ll switch to a lighter-weight moisturizer, so I can be sure it doesn’t irritate my skin but still replenishes.&nbsp;</p><div tml-image="ci01c889c0b001c80a" tml-image-caption="Here I am, makeup-free. But I'm damn proud of myself because I'm a workout-aholic." tml-render-layout="inline"><figure><img src="http://a3.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,q_80,w_620/MTI4NTA0MDQ4OTg1ODcyODYy.jpg" /><figcaption>Here I am, makeup-free. But I'm damn proud of myself because I'm a workout-aholic.</figcaption></figure></div><p>I honestly can’t believe how much more effort I’ve been putting into my skin routine after the gym, but it is 100 percent worth it. If I’m going to work out so I can LIVE FOREVER, why not have my skin look great while I’m at it?&nbsp;</p><p>What's your après-gym skin-care routine? Are you going to stop using the gym's own towels?&nbsp;</p>I probably didn't think of it because I'm not a famous dermatologist.http://www.xojane.com/beauty/dermatologist-gym-skincare-advice
http://www.xojane.com/beauty/dermatologist-gym-skincare-adviceBeautyTue, 03 Mar 2015 10:00:00 -0800Lisa BensleyI'm Quitting Tinder Again, But Not For The Reasons You May Think<!-- tml-version="2" --><p>There was a time when I was sternly-worded-letter angry at Victoria's Secret over their pricing — specifically, how A, B and C cups of many styles were one price, and anything D-cup or bigger of the same styles were a few dollars more.&nbsp;</p><p>I've heard the "it costs more because it takes more material" argument, but then shouldn't the B cost more than the A, and C cost more than the B? And don't some of the smaller sizes have more padding than the bigger ones, thereby essentially leveling the material-amount playing field?&nbsp;</p><p>Regardless of how it was justified, to me it felt like a penalty for having a little more boulder below the shoulders. It hasn't stopped me from recently forking over $6 more than my smaller-breasted brethren for their <a href="https://www.victoriassecret.com/bras/shop-all-bras/demi-bra-incredible-by-victorias-secret?ProductID=231634&amp;CatalogueType=OLS">Incredible Demi Bra</a>, though, because 1) it's ridiculously comfortable and 2) it's one of the only styles of theirs that goes up to 38DDD. Whatever.</p><p>I might have decided to conditionally forgive Victoria's Secret for their big-tit tax, but another business that knows my cleavage pretty intimately, Tinder, has given me a similar yet, in my opinion, unforgivable reason to stop using their service.</p><p>Well, I mean, it's Tinder — that it's Tinder is reason enough to quit Tinder. But while <a href="http://www.xojane.com/sex/worst-first-tinder-message-ever">icky messages</a> and dates with guys who turned out to be jerks had motivated me to delete my account in the past, straight-up discrimination has me removing the app from my iPhone&nbsp;this time around.</p><p>I'd already been thinking of quitting again — a guy I'd met online had unsolicitedly texted mere hours after we'd hooked up to tell me that he'd be embarrassed to date someone my size, and I just wanted to stop even looking at more dudes who could turn out to be so brutal — and yesterday, I was telling <a href="http://www.xojane.com/author/rachel-perkins">Rachel</a> that I was thinking of doing so. It was then that she said, "Probably for the best," and sent me a link to an article that had just gone up on Mashable, about how Tinder is rolling out a not-free version of their precious service called Tinder Plus. The headline: "<a href="http://mashable.com/2015/03/02/tinder-plus-premium-features/">Tinder launches premium service that costs twice as much for people over 30</a>."</p><div tml-image="ci01c8880e600199de" tml-image-caption="The angry Hello Kitty was animated, by the way." tml-render-layout="inline"><figure><img src="http://a3.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,q_80,w_620/MTI4NTAyMTg0MTY0NzYwMDMw.jpg" /><figcaption>The angry Hello Kitty was animated, by the way.</figcaption></figure></div><p>Karissa Bell reports in her Mashable article, "The dating app is officially launching its suite of premium features, the cost of which vary based on how old you are. In the U.S., users under 30 will pay $9.99 per month, while those 30 and older will pay $19.99 for the same service."&nbsp;</p><p>OK, so that's actual, literal, blatant ageism, right? There's no "more material" argument here. Same exact service, completely different price just for being older.</p><p>Because I would never actually pay to use Tinder, even if I stayed on the app, I would be missing out on premium services like "unlimited liking capabilities" (something that was previously available to everyone), being able to undo accidental left swipes (it does suck to inadvertently reject someone just because you've gotten into the hypnotic rhythm of "nope"-ing people), and looking for potential dates in any part of the world, even if you're not there at the moment. I can live without these perks, but now that I know that they think it's OK to charge people over 30 more for the very same extras, I think I can live without Tinder altogether.</p><p>For the ever-more-rapidly expiring life of me, I cannot think of a justifiable reason to charge people who aren't twenty-something twice as much. Is it a jab at people who are "still single" in their thirties, as Rachel facetiously implied? Do they think we're more desperate and, therefore, willing to spend more money?&nbsp;</p><p><a href="http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/tinder-charging-people-30-tinder/story?id=29335809">ABC News</a> asked Tinder why they're charging us Olds double what they're charging those who have been on this Earth less than 11,000 days. Here's the utter twaddle&nbsp;their VP of corporate communications, Rosette Pambakian, replied with: "Younger users are just as excited about Tinder Plus, but are more budget constrained, and need a lower price to pull the trigger."</p><p>Oh, so the lower price is a hardship discount! I get it now. My income definitely doubled the day I turned 30, so it makes perfect sense to charge me twice as much as what they would have when I was 29. NOT! (Sorry, but I really wanna bring back "NOT!" Solid proof I'm over 30, I guess.)</p><div tml-image="ci01c888d54001c80a" tml-image-caption="Here I am talking about Tinder with absolutely no hostility in my voice on HLN's &quot;The Daily Share&quot; &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=no0X9S9TtGE&quot;&gt;a few weeks ago&lt;/a&gt;. I would not be so kind today." tml-render-layout="inline"><figure><img src="http://a1.files.xojane.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,q_80,w_620/MTI4NTAzMDM4MzI2Mzc5Nzk0.jpg" /><figcaption>Here I am talking about Tinder with absolutely no hostility in my voice on HLN's "The Daily Share" &lt;a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=no0X9S9TtGE"&gt;a few weeks ago&lt;/a&gt;. I would not be so kind today.</figcaption></figure></div><p>The cost is avoidable, so it's not like I'm pissed off because Tinder's going to take $20 from me against my will; I'm pissed off because it's just flagrantly discriminatory. I like to think I'd be just as offended by this business decision if it didn't potentially affect me. For example, I've never gone to a bar's "ladies night" even though I might benefit from it, because I think it's unfair to charge dudes more for the same drinks. (Now that I'm quitting Tinder, though, I may need to look into those.)</p><p>Although it doesn't really stick it to Tinder to quit the free version of their service, I still feel like it's the right thing to do now that they've sent the message that they think it's cool to gouge people based on their age. And perhaps if enough of us&nbsp;Methuselahs stage an exodus, Tinder will take notice and charge everyone the same thing for Tinder Plus.</p><p>Not that I'd ever spend even the under-30 price on Tinder Plus. I'd rather put the money towards a bra.</p>While icky messages and dates with jerks motivated me to delete my account in the past, straight-up age discrimination has me removing the app from my phone this time around.http://www.xojane.com/tech/tinder-charging-more-if-over-30
http://www.xojane.com/tech/tinder-charging-more-if-over-30TechTue, 03 Mar 2015 09:00:00 -0800MarciHere's How to Deal With a Narcissist Without Losing Your Cool<!-- tml-version="2" --><p>If you are related to, <strong><a href="http://www.yourtango.com/married-lovestage">married</a></strong> to, or divorced from a narcissist, then you know how difficult it is reason with them.</p><p><a href="http://www.yourtango.com/experts/dr-susan-heitler-creator-of-power-of-two-marriage/narcissism-alert-6-signs-you-need-notice">Narcissists</a> are masters at manipulation. They are often intelligent and charming when you first meet them. In the beginning, you hold them to high esteem. They're fully aware of this, of course, and they <strong><a href="http://www.yourtango.com/love">love</a></strong> to bask in your adulation. But once you catch on to their tactics and question behavior that is the opposite of their once-charming selves, they become deeply threatened. A narcissist will paint himself as a victim and you as his aggressor, expertly blaming you for the relationship's demise and all of the other misfortunes in his life.</p><p>You, as the codependent, try to reason with him, change his mind, or challenge every verbal assault point-by-point with the hope that the narcissist will snap out of his irrational behavior.</p><p>Maybe this time he will understand<em>, </em>you think.</p><p>If I explain it to him this way, he will get it. He can't be THAT close-minded; I'm going to tell him once more.</p><p>But the more you explain, the colder and more manipulative he becomes. He may talk to you like a child, as if you're stupid. And you can't even believe how a person can lack such empathy, so you explain more, trying harder and harder to make him "get it" — and the more you do that, the more it supports his narcissistic fantasies that he is better and smarter than anyone.</p><p>The constant attempts to explain or get some kind of emotional response with no return is what I call the "Narcissistic Vortex." It's a deep black hole that sucks you in, with no way out. And until you understand this, you are going to think you're crazy and unloved — or worse, that you aren't worthy of anyone else's love, so you end up staying with this person or being alone forever.</p><p>If you are not married and are trying to end a relationship with a narcissist, then my expert advice is to have no contact with him. End the relationship cold turkey, as if giving up a very bad addiction.</p><p>But what if you are divorcing a narcissist, or you must endure a co-parenting relationship long term? How do you manage the constant manipulation, even as you try to get on with your life? He might blame you for the smallest mistakes (thereby raising his own self-worth), or criticize you for everything you do with the kids. And because he is SO grossly mistaken, you write him a long email explaining your actions, or you become engaged in a long texting battle.</p><p>And thus, you enter the Narcissistic Vortex.</p><p>You must remember, this vortex is a trap. By replying to him (no matter how negatively), it feeds his narcissistic supply — his false sense of self that he is better than you (or anyone else, for that matter).</p><p>So if the manipulation happens via email, for example, you must first ask yourself: Does it require a reply? Are there any crucial issues that really require your response, like financial matters during <strong><a href="http://www.yourtango.com/breakups-and-divorce">divorce</a></strong> or logistics with the children?</p><p>Unfortunately, narcissists can never write an email without making themselves look like a victim/martyr or passive-aggressively knocking your ability to function as an adult. The true secret to engaging with a narcissist is to give him little to no response. Reply with "yes" or "no," or merely factual replies like, "Yes, I am picking the kids up at 5 pm today." Ignore all other jabs or attempts to get a heated reaction from you.</p><p>If your narcissist wants to speak with you over the phone about certain matters, let him ask you questions for which a yes or no answer is required. If the conversation results in accusations or manipulation, simply say to him, "If you have anything to discuss with me, please put it in an email," and then hang up.</p><p>You will never change his mind. You will never get him to see your side of things. As long as you attempt to do so, you will forever be stuck in his vortex and unable to move on.</p><p><em>Reprinted with permission from <a href="http://www.yourtango.com/experts/lindsey-ellison/1-secret-how-engage-narcissist">YourTango</a>. Want more? Check out these related stories:</em></p><p><a href="http://www.yourtango.com/experts/summer-engman/i-turned-my-crazy-possessive-jealousy-crazy-deep-intimacy"><em>I Turned My Crazy, Possessive Jealousy Into Crazy, Deep Intimacy</em></a></p><p><a href="http://www.yourtango.com/2015262949/my-ex-best-friend-married-my-first-love"><em>My (Ex) Best Friend Married My First Love</em></a></p><p><a href="http://www.yourtango.com/2015262947/8-toxic-phrases-destroy-relationships"><em>8 Toxic Phrases That Destroy Relationships</em></a></p>Don't get sucked into their "Narcissistic Vortex."http://www.xojane.com/relationships/how-to-deal-with-a-narcissist-without-losing-your-cool
http://www.xojane.com/relationships/how-to-deal-with-a-narcissist-without-losing-your-coolRelationshipsTue, 03 Mar 2015 08:30:00 -0800Lindsey Ellison