'Reflections Of A Newshen'

July 30, 1978

Here are a few excerpts from several of Maryon Allen's syndicated columns, "Reflections of a Newshen."

On natural childbirth: "There's a fad or something going on today not even the obstetricians understand. It's this mania so many , many modern day mothers posses about inviting the entire world into the delivery room to watch them give birth to their babies . . . Anyone can have a baby . . . any female, that is. There's nothing about it that sets you apart as rare. And the Good Lord endowed us with free will and intellect to develop and perfect things in our lives such as medical science . . . so why should we go back to having babies like a bunch of Chinese coolies, for Heaven's sake? . . . I'm as vain as the next female, and I want to assure you that a girl is definitely NOT at her best, while having a baby. The mechanics of birth form a package that is the ultimate revenge on Mother Eve for the Original Sin. Every descendant of Eve has had to pay her dues.

There is nothing beautiful about a baby coming . . . it's rather a mess, and I for one frank, old gal, never had the slightest desire to see my babies until they were washed, dressed and wrapped in a clean warm blanket.

It never crossed my mind to invite the father or anyone else on earth into the delivery room to see me performing this ancient basic necessary rite. If there were EVER a time for privacy, a birthing seemed like a perfect time to me!"

On the Kennedys and the Carters: "I've always wondered who at Life (magazine) was responsible for such gush. So many of those inside Kennedy features of the early '60s were grossly unworthy of space . . . and I kept wondering why on earth dignified publications would stoop to running them . . . land even more than that, how they got hold of such bilge.

"Well, of course . . . it was GIVEN to them. How else do you suppose Life got Jackie's letter to her grandmother thanking her for bankrolling her very own pony, while off at Swelldom Manor? . . . Of course, you know who's edged them out . . . RIGHT . . . those Carter folks from Plains, G.A.!!

"Rose Kennedy is eating her heart out over the linear inches given over to Miss Lillian. In the Brother Category, Teddy is out. Billy is a one man, traveling side show, and not only have typewriters smoked writing up his capers and peccadillos, but Ol' Suds is getting PAID mucho cold cash for having a rip roaring, huge time. He cannily decided his title of First Brother was a bankable asset and has acted accordingly.

"In desperation Billy Graham has gone to Las Vegas to save strippers and gamblers after Ruth Carter Stapleton brought the notorious Hustler Magazine publisher on his knees to the confessional booth and altar rail . . . Would you agree to the tastelessness of all this? . . . American publications are drowning in Carter-oriented articles, and it really is getting to be rather much. If they are not being written up, then the Carters take their own pens in hand, becoming contributing editors and guest feature writers on their seemingly favorite subject.

"Jimmy's sister Gloria has even published a book of her mother's letters. The public wonders if there are many more ways in which they can cash in on their new universal fame."

On modern ballet: "Something told me this ballet was getting out of hand . . . a bit weird. And I was of my chair.

"My Lord,' I thought . . . am I crazy? . . . seeing things? . . . that dancer, who just leaped about 10 feet into the air . . . is she really STARK NAKED? . . . Looka there . . . about six more of them are naked, also . . . NUDE, I say . . . BUCK . . . in the buff . . . the all-over. What's the matter with them?"

"Trying not to, but failing, I ran my eyes around Prez Box One, and I never saw such an assortment of tonsils and slackjaws . . .

"Nobody knew WHERE to look . . . I've wondered under what category this nude ballet should be filed, and have decided on Drawer A for "Artistic Flashing."

On nightmare following her hysterectomy: "If I actually confessed to you or a shrink the diabolic, heathenistic visions that have cavorted across my dreams, they would reconvene the Salem Witch Trials just for ME!

"Honestly, it's the most frightening thing I've ever encountered! I feel like Maryon, Girl Witch every morning. (But listen, I look better than Claudette Colbert did in that old Salem Witch movie . . . she needed a bra and some new bangs.)

"Here's a sick tip: If anyone you know and love is in for surgery, send them a soft baby pillow for their poor back and can. They will remember you in their will, honey!

"See, I was good as gold. I didn't tell you about my beautiful scar. I didn't offend sensitivities mentioning unmentionables. LBJ, aren't you proud of me, you ol' booger?"