Beyond Just Desserts: A Recipe of Thanksgiving

Although it was my second extended period helping out at this Calcutta orphanage, I still marveled at the standard of living of the girls. Growing up, I had had my own room; these girls didn't even have their own beds. They slept on thin mattresses spread on the floor, two girls to a mattress, sharing a blanket and a mosquito net. During the day the mattresses were piled up in a corner, and the room was used for play and doing homework.

Their only private space amounted to a box the size of a large shoe box. In this box each girl kept all her worldly possessions: the one of her two cotton frocks she was not currently wearing, two pencils, and a copy book. About 25 of the girls owned a pair of sandals, which they trotted out on special occasions. About a dozen girls owned a pretty dress, a gift from an impoverished grandmother. That that was it. No other garments. No toothbrush. No crayons. Not one girl owned enough to fill her box. Yet they were the most cheerful and loving group of people I knew. I adored them.

The girls prevailed on me to teach them English. One day we were on the lesson in our book about opposites: tall-short, thin-fat, rich-poor. After explaining the words in simple English, I would have one girl stand in front of the class and ask, "Is Bhavani thin, fat, or medium?"

The girls would raise their hands, and the one I picked would answer: "Bhavanai is thin."

The girls were smart and highly motivated. The lesson was proceeding well until I summoned Lakshmi to stand in front of the class. Pointing to the scrawny, barefoot girl in her plain white frock, I asked, "Is Lakshmi rich, poor, or medium?"

Two dozen hands flew up. I called on one girl. In loud and perfect English she answered: "Lakshmi is medium."

Obviously she didn't understand the words. Lakshmi, like all the girls, was abjectly destitute, a reality they all accepted with cheerful fortitude. I called on another girl. Eagerly, she replied, "Lakshmi is medium."

I again explained the meaning of the words "rich" and "poor," this time using their Bengali translations so there would be no further misunderstanding. Then I asked the whole class: "Is Lakshmi rich, poor, or medium?"

In joyful unison they all cried out: "Lakshmi is medium."

I was confounded. By what mental gyrations did these girls consider Lakshmi - and by extension themselves - as anything other than poor?

After the class, I repaired to my room (my own private room) and tried to figure it out. After all, the girls knew that most children, even in poverty-stricken Calcutta, had more than they did. They attended school with "normal" girls - girls who had parents and shoes and pretty colored ribbons in their hair.

Carefully I analyzed what exactly they did have. I came up with a list of just four items: a rudimentary level of shelter, food, education, and friends. That was it.

But what about all they didn't have? Not one of them had a dowry, without which prospects of marriage were slim. None of them owned a book or a toy. None of them had money to buy a treat or a trinket - ever. By what stretch of their imaginations - or their hearts - did they not define themselves as poor? The question simmered in my mind for a decade.

JUST DESSERTS

Ten years later I was learning Torah in Jerusalem. The Rabbi was explaining why the matriarch Leah named her fourth son Yehuda, a name derived from the word "to thank." Since the moniker "Jew" derives from the name "Yehuda," thanking is somehow integral to being Jewish.

But why did Leah wait until her fourth child to use this name? Wasn't she more grateful for her first child than her fourth?

Gratitude is a function not of how much we have, but rather of how much we have relative to how much we feel we deserve.

The Rabbi, citing classical commentators, explained that Jacob's four wives knew prophetically that they would give birth to the twelve sons who would become the progenitors of the twelve tribes of Israel. Since there were four wives, each one expected to give birth to three sons.

When Leah gave birth to her fourth son, she felt that she had received more than her fair share. So she named him Yehuda, saying, "This time I will thank God."

This teaches us something essential about gratitude. Gratitude is a function not of how much we have, but rather of how much we have relative to how much we feel we deserve.

When you have worked hard at your job, you usually do not feel flooded with gratitude when you pick up your paycheck. Even a holiday bonus may come to be expected as your just desserts and not elicit a great surge of gratitude - unless it is a far bigger sum than you feel you deserve.

The opposite of gratitude is a feeling of entitlement. The attitude of "I deserve it" turns every gift into a paycheck.

RECOGNIZING GOOD

The Hebrew term for gratitude is "hakarat hatov," which literally means, "recognizing the good." The secret embedded in the Hebrew is that gratitude depends not on getting something good, but on recognizing the good that is already yours.

Thus, gratitude is totally a feat of consciousness. It requires a "back to basics" mentality, becoming cognizant of all the rudimentary things we usually take for granted. No matter how much we lack, no matter what difficult times we are passing through, every one of us can find a myriad of things to be grateful for.

If you've lost money in the stock market, but you still have your children, you can be grateful.

If you've lost your job, but you still have your health, you can be grateful.

If you can't move your legs, but you can move your arms, you can be grateful.

THE OBJECT OF GRATITUDE

In addition to recognizing the good and experiencing what you have as a gift not a paycheck, gratitude requires one more ingredient.

There is a fallacy which prevents many people from experiencing true thankfulness. Some think that thankfulness, like love, is a warm, fuzzy feeling inside, the way you feel when you've downed the second dessert of your Thanksgiving dinner. That good feeling, however, is not thankfulness, but satiation. It becomes thankfulness only when you realize that Aunt Rose toiled to make that apple pie, and you direct your appreciation to her.

Both thankfulness and love must have an object. True gratitude implies that I am grateful to the giver of what I have received. Gratitude without an object is like one hand clapping.

Gratitude without an object is like one hand clapping.

From a Torah perspective, all human beings are creatures. Life - and every part of it from the tiny hairs inside our noses to our thousands of enzymes - is a gift from our Creator. We are entitled to nothing. We are grateful to God for everything.

A RECIPE FOR GRATITUDE

Here, then, are the 4 steps to gratitude:

Recognize the good that you possess.

Acknowledge that it is a gift, not something you deserve.

Identify the source of the gift, whether God or a human being.

Express your thanks.

The Pilgrims of the first Thanksgiving obviously traversed these four steps. They were grateful not for their high standard of living, but simply that they had survived their first winter in the New World. Deeply religious people, they felt gratitude to God. The first Thanksgiving feast was their way of expressing that gratitude to God.

According to Judaism, gratitude is the basis of everything: faith, joy, awe, and love of God. Only when we recognize how much God has given us and how little we deserve it, can we come to a place of faith and love.

Little wonder that a Jew is supposed to start every day with an expression of thankfulness for life itself, the recitation of the modeh ani. If you want to incorporate this small exercise into your life, here is how to do it:

Upon first waking up, as soon as you've turned off your alarm, while you're still lying in bed, say these words: "Modeh ani lefanecha Melech chai v'kayom, shehechezarta bee neshmati b'chemla, rabba emunasecha." In English, it's: "Thankful am I before you, living and eternal King, that you have returned my soul within me with compassion, abundant is Your faithfulness."

You'll notice that this single sentence incorporates all the ingredients of gratitude. It expresses thanks for the most elemental gift of all, life itself, to the divine source of life. There is no better way to start one's day.

Once we are washed up and dressed, a Jew continues to thank God for things which might otherwise go unnoticed. The 14 short "Morning Blessings" focus our consciousness, in gratitude, on such elemental capacities as the ability to see, to stretch our muscles, to stand erect, and to walk. These blessings can be found at the beginning of any siddur, Jewish prayer book, which are readily available in any Jewish bookstore.

Some of these blessings are easy to feel genuine gratitude for. We may be so oblivious to others of our "gifts," however, that we must be jolted into appreciation.

I personally could not relate to one particular blessing until the morning after I had emergency abdominal surgery. I was lying in my hospital bed groaning in pain when the nurse told me to get up and walk a little. I thought she was insane. Only when her gentle persuasion gave way to insistence, did I force myself to sit up and gingerly get out of bed, wrenching with agony at every movement. Standing up, the most I could manage was a stooped shuffle across the room. The nurse kept saying, "Stand up straight," but my abdomen hurt too much.

It has been 4,745 days of standing up straight and thanking God for it every time I say that blessing.

Then it was time for my morning prayers. Standing next to my bed like a hunched over nonagenarian, when I got to the blessing, "Blessed are You, Hashem our God, King of universe, who straightens the bent over," I almost cried. How had I never related to this blessing before? How had I so taken for granted the "simple" faculty of standing erect? Why did I have to lose this ability before I could appreciate it? It has been exactly 13 years since that morning, 4,745 days of standing up straight and thanking God for it every time I say that blessing.

Ethics of Our Fathers teaches us: "Who is rich? The one who is happy with his portion."

My Indian orphans understood all this. Feeling that they deserved nothing, they experienced the little that they had as a pure gift. No wonder they couldn't define themselves as poor.

They would have agreed with Jewish tradition that thanksgiving is too precious to be reserved for one day a year.

This article is featured in Aish.com's book:Heaven on Earth. Buy it now!

Sara Yoheved Rigler’s all-encompassing online marriage program, “Choose Connection: How to Revive and Rejuvenate Your Marriage” is available to Aish.com readers at a special price. Click here for more info: http://www.jewishworkshops.com/webinars/connection/

About the Author

Sara Yoheved Rigler is a popular international lecturer on subjects of Jewish spirituality. She has given lectures and workshops in Israel, England, France, South Africa, Mexico, Canada, Chile, Panama, and over 35 American cities. She is one of the most popular authors on Aish.com, world’s biggest Judaism website, and is a columnist for Ami Magazine. Sara Yoheved Rigler is the author of five best-sellers: Holy Woman; Lights from Jerusalem; Battle Plans: How to Fight the Yetzer Hara (with Rebbetzin Tziporah Heller); G-d Winked; and Heavenprints . She gives a weekly Marriage Webinar for Jewish Workshops on a spiritual approach to marriage, with hundreds of members throughout the world. She lives in the Old City of Jerusalem. Her newest book, Emunah with Love and Chicken Soup, the story of Henny Machlis, the Brooklyn-born girl who became a Jerusalem legend, was was released in November, 2016. Her website is: sararigler.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 27

(27)
Raphaelle Do Lern Hwei,
February 4, 2012 1:31 AM

Where do the girls go from there

Should try to get the girls adopted by those who can afford and care for them. Then, probably they will be able to marry and have their own homes due to greater social integration. More girls can then be taken off the streets.

(26)
Tam,
January 8, 2012 1:55 PM

Very touching

I am from India and can relate to your story about Lakshmi. I get choked up and teary when I read it. I know exactly what you mean when you describe the conditions these children live in, having seen it firsthand myself.
I would love to attend one of your workshops/lectures. Will you be visiting Canada/Toronto?
Thanks for your articles. I enjoy reading them.

(25)
Arthur Gukasyan,
November 25, 2010 4:21 AM

Thank you Sara

Beautifully articulated article which reminds us to clarify our thoughts and express our sense of gratitude.

(24)
Galia Berry,
November 25, 2010 12:25 AM

Thank YOU

Beautifully written, and I appreciated your insights, "gratitude is a feat of consciousness", as well as the concept of gratitude requiring an object vs. satiation. May HaShem grant you continued siyata d'shemaya!

(23)
Tatyana Yassenov,
November 24, 2010 2:04 AM

If we only remember to be thankful ALWAYS!!!

Dear Sara. It's beautifully written and the topick is more important than anything else. I can relate to this girls complitely. Growing in Belarus after the WW2 in a family of 6 sublings... our father died when I was 6,5 and I'm the 6th child... I knew that we were Jewish, it was written in our passports, but that was all I knew about Judaism.I came to Amerika and now I'm learning how to BE A JEW! For this I'm so thankful and can not be hapier. Be healthy and thanks again.

(22)
ruth housman,
November 23, 2010 4:28 PM

the jewel in the crown

This is a beautiful commentary on what it means to be thankful.
It's a jewel, and I do notice, that there is Jew within the word Jewel itself, and EL for one of the many names for G_d. Are we then, jewels of G_d?
If this is true of us, being Jews, I do believe it's true of the entire creation. As these girls, were true jewels.

(21)
JoyKrauthammer,LA,
November 23, 2006 9:40 AM

With gratitude for Sara Rigler, and all gifts, every day, not just today on Thanksgiving.

Dear Sara,I always love reading your stories and gain so much from them. Thank you for your gifts of sharing, wisdom, insight, and writing, which are mamash, so enriching to me.

Today is Thanksgiving. I am grateful that I can share this holiday with friends (my daughter lives far away and my husband, Marcel, z'l died this year), and with good and kosher food in a warm home. I shall share with friends your understanding of Gratitude, especially as it opposes the concept of entitlement and deserving. I can see that 'serving' G*d in joy (which I love doing), is clearly contrary to 'deserving'. I am grateful when opportunities for mitzvot arise. At the table today, I will share your "Recipes for Gratitude", and ask us all to share our consciousness of the gifts that we receive from the Source of All Blessings, and from each other. I was in awe this early morning, saying 'Modah Ani' while watching the sun rise in fuscia and clear blue colors at dawn's awakening. I am grateful that at that hour, Ruth Fogelman, in the Jewish Quarter, e-mailed to me in LA, a story on miracles, and I googled it further, and then read another inspiring story, and another and found YOU today in Aish. It is all from Tov Lev. You are a blessing. May the lights of Kislev bring abundant blessings for you and your family and for us all.Shalom, Joy

1. " No matter how much we lack, no matter what difficult times we are passing through, every one of us can find a myriad of things to be grateful for. " & 2. "We are entitled to nothing. We are grateful to God for everything. " I was happy reading yr entire piece, happier still with these 2 quotes(we call it "prasada-buddhi"), & happiest that u found something at all in my 'poor' country a.k.a India that is Bharat! In >40 yrs of foreign contacts I have had many shades of people coming here. Knowing what India lacks - & which all 'developed' nations take for granted - I am still amazed that several found (sincerely)-more than I thought likely - to ADMIRE (!) in this dirty country! I did have one Dutch Ph.D who rather 'strongly' asked me NOT to take him to places where poverty was staring u in the face & aroused feelings of pity, guilt or anger. Whereupon, I drove him back to the International airport. His wife elected to drive back into the city with me, followed a few hrs later, by her husband, now looking rather sheepish!So, it speaks volumes abt u that u enjoyed yr stay in Kolkata/India. Looking back over my >70yrs, I am amazed again, this time how - and why - I have been blessed so continuously with all good things only! True, there WERE sad things, mistakes, failures, injuries (to body/mind), disappointments but yet the abs ABUNDANCE/VARIETY of the GOOD/the JOYOUS that happened to me baffles me - now it includes yr article under comment! In the plethora of words that are poured out into print/ears/eyes, how is it that I shd today 'chance' on s/thing Jewish first (certainly not the first thought that normally hits my mind, pl don't think of it o/wise!) & yet (pardon me again!) is so caring abt others to have actually SERVED (not ruled over)the 'poor' for yrs AND found THINGS abt them to ADMIRE!! The thing called 'luck' or 'chance' just doesn't exist, Sara-di. EVERYthing happens by design - not of course ours(humans') & for a purpose tho we can't guess it always.I shall stop at this point tho I have said many things to even some of yr 'rabbis' ever since I 'chanced' on this AISH site (& have not regretted it too) & they may not have liked it. I know that for sure! - as mysteriously as yr Mossad!Bye then for now & love - a commodity easy to give away as - what else - 'prasad'! a rare gift that gets repaid many times over w/ever given away with a full heart! - we call it a 'kothi athanni' maybe u know what it means! ramani, New Delhi

(19)
LeaSplane,
November 20, 2006 1:36 PM

Outstanding article

This was really one of the best articles I have ever read on gratitude (besides the Bible). It really made me think and made my day. Thank you. Your site is wonderful. I am a Christian, but I read the articles all the time. They have so much wisdom.

(18)
ChristineE.Troxel,
November 19, 2006 8:22 PM

Being Thankful

What a beautiful explanation of what Thanksgiving really should mean to me!!

(17)
lynn finson,
November 21, 2005 12:00 AM

superb article

As always, Sara Rigler has brought out many important and profound messages through her writing.Happy thanksgiving!

(16)
Abby Simkovitz,
November 28, 2002 12:00 AM

it's absolutely amazing how much Hashem and life are incorporated in every small detail of life. just the fact that the very first thing we say in the morning is thanking Hashem, for allowing us to wake up just shows how much He is present in our lives (how much serving Him is our #1 priority.) i think i want to start saying this prayer first thing in the morning.

(15)
Anonymous,
November 27, 2002 12:00 AM

Thanks for the deeper insight into Thanksgiving

We don't celebrate Thanksgiving in our country but today I'm looking at it with my brownies (girl scouts. Your story is just perfect to share with them and to develop the theme of thankfulness. We have a 'spiritual' aspect to Girl Guides and I was looking for a way of working with that with the girls. This fits the bill, thanks.

(14)
Shira Levin,
November 25, 2001 12:00 AM

Thanksgiving : graditude for what one has.

One of the beautys of Judaism is that everything is a gift from G-d. I love the prayers in the Siddur we are pray everyday that are prayers of praise and thanks. The result of praying those prayers for me has been the developement of unconditional love of
G-d in my heart. Also, I can understand those orphaned girls for I too feel joy.

(13)
r b,
November 22, 2001 12:00 AM

you can rationalize anything

there are objective standards. poor in a monetary sense is poor. this kind of thinking can lead to lack of desire for change. be happy with nothing and give up.

(12)
Anonymous,
November 21, 2001 12:00 AM

wonderful

Sarah writes beautifully. This is deep and relevant.
Thank you Sarah.

(11)
Ruth Fogelman,
November 21, 2001 12:00 AM

Thank you, Sarah, for reminding us all to be grateful - always!

Yashar Ko'ach, Sarah!
When I used to get depressed, Miriam Adahan used to tell me: FAG! That stands for: Forgiveness, Acceptance and Gratitude. Gratitude, forgiveness and acceptance dispell any self-pity and depression. No wonder the girls felt so rich!

(10)
Eunice Edelman,
November 21, 2001 12:00 AM

Thanksgiving Recipe is a call for alternate ways of being and becoming " a gute neshamah" - a good soul.

Sara Rigler, who happens to be a cousin, illustrates profound insights of the heart and spirit by simply telling a beautiful and true story from her own experiences in Calcutta.

(9)
Janet Miller,
November 20, 2001 12:00 AM

Thanksgiving every day

Thank you, Sara, for your beautiful story about your experience teaching these Indian orphan girls. They teach me, as a Jew, how to give thanks not just on this upcoming American holiday, but every day.
You see, they were thankful for what they DID have--not for the missing dowry, or toys, or wardrobe. They were thankful for each other's company, and for their clothes and food and shelter and the opportunity to become literate and learn English with you.
I thank G-d regularly for food; shelter; two parents; animal companionship; employment; transportation; freedom to worship; etc. There is one thing I would like that I do not have, but there is more that I have and am thankful.
I hope for your safety in Israel and look forward to more of your articles on this site.

(8)
Dahlia Bennett,
November 20, 2001 12:00 AM

So long as I live...

A friend wanted nothing more than to have a simple life, to marry and have children. She had lived through a childhood that no one should ever have to suffer and, in the end, grief and despair snuffed out all hope of achieving the simple life she wanted. She was 31; she committed suicide.

That day, I realized that no matter what happens in my life--NO MATTER WHAT--so long as I am alive, I have the chance to realize my dreams, to make a difference in God's world, and thereby to find happiness. The only requirement is to be alive, and to be grateful for the opportunity to serve THIS DAY. Modeh ani...

(7)
Anonymous,
November 19, 2001 12:00 AM

a thought-provoking article

How true! There are so many things we take for granted and never thank G-d or other people for. Thank you for reminding us of this and relating it to our daily prayers.

(6)
Harold Brown,
November 19, 2001 12:00 AM

WAY TO GO BEAUTIFUL!...THANK GOD FOR
PEOPLE LIKE YOU.

(5)
,
November 19, 2001 12:00 AM

SL Rigler's articles are literary gems. They never fail to impart a message and uplift you with inspiration. We are very appreciative.

(4)
Anonymous,
November 18, 2001 12:00 AM

A Beautiful Article!

Thank you for reminding me of the basics - this was a beautiful and inspiring article.

(3)
Eleanor brickner,
November 18, 2001 12:00 AM

A beautiful article. For that, I am grateful.

I truly enjoyed reading this article. What a reminder! How much there is in my life to be grateful for. I need reminders like this. Its too easy, in our world of material goods, of disdaining the poor and homeless, to fall into complacency about all that we have to be grateful for. How easy it is to slip into forgetfulness...I love the beautiful portrait of the little Indian girls. What a power of example they are. And how elusive to someone like me is their joy and loveliness.

(2)
Dorie Sanders,
November 18, 2001 12:00 AM

vital connection to peace and well-being

I have the privilage of working with many individuals who face special challenges in their daily lives. They have enlightened me to appreciate my wonderful gifts of movement, self care, independence, self-direction. I thank G-d every day for these wonders.

(1)
Judith Sinclair,
November 18, 2001 12:00 AM

What a wonderful article.

You have made me so grateful for the little things, and reminded me to remember to thank God for everything!!

I always loved the story of Jonah and the whale. Why do we read it during the afternoon service of Yom Kippur?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Let's recap the story: God tells Jonah to go to Ninveh and to prophesy that in 40 days, God will destroy the city. Instead, Jonah goes to Jaffa, boards a ship, and sails for Tarshish. A great storm arises. Frightened, Jonah goes to sleep in the ship's hold. The sailors somehow recognize that Jonah is responsible for the storm. They throw him overboard, and the sea becomes calm.

A great fish swallows Jonah. Then three days later, God commands the fish to spit Jonah back out upon dry land. God tells Jonah, "Let's try it again. Go to Ninveh and tell them in 40 days I will destroy the city."

The story is a metaphor for our struggle for clarity. Jonah is the soul. The soul is assigned to sanctify the world, and draw it close to God. But we are seduced by the world's beauty. (Jaffa in Hebrew means "beauty.") The ship is the body, the sea is the world, and the storm is life's pains and troubles. God hopes confrontation with mortality will inspire us to examine our lives. But Jonah's is the more common response - we go to sleep (have a beer, turn on the television). The sailors throw Jonah overboard - this is death. The fish that swallows Jonah is the grave. Jonah is spat back upon the land - reincarnation. And the Almighty tells us to try again. "Go sanctify the world and bring it close to God."

Each of us is born with an opportunity and a challenge. We each have unique gifts to offer the world and unique challenges to perfect ourselves. If we leave the task unfinished the first time, we get a second chance. Jonah teaches us that repentance can reverse a harsh decree. If the residents of Ninveh had the ability to correct their mistakes and do teshuva, how much more so do we have the ability to correct our former mistakes and do teshuva.

(source: "The Bible for the Clueless But Curious," by Rabbi Nachum Braverman)

In 1948, Egypt launched a large-scale offensive against the Negev region of Israel. This was part of the War of Independence, an attack by five Arab armies designed to "drive the Jews into the sea." Though the Jews were under-armed, untrained, and few in number, through ingenuity and perseverance they staved off the attacks and secured the borders. Yet the price was high -- Israel lost 6,373 of its people, a full one percent of the Jewish population of Israel at the time.

And what does teshuvah consist of? [Repentance to the degree] that the One Who knows all that is hidden will testify that he will never again repeat this sin(Maimonides, Laws of Teshuvah 2:2).

"How can this be?" ask the commentaries. "Inasmuch as man always has free choice to do good or evil, to sin or not to sin, how can God testify that a person will never repeat a particular sin? Is this not a repudiation of one's free will?"

The answer to this came to me at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, at which the speaker, a man who had been sober for twenty-one years, said, "The man I was drank. The man I was will drink again. But now I am a different man."

A sin does not occur in a vacuum. A person who is devout does not abruptly decide to eat treifah. A sin occurs when a person is in such a state that a particular act is not anathema to him.

Consequently, repentance is not complete if one merely regrets having done wrong. One must ask, "How did this sin ever come about? In what kind of a state was I that permitted me to commit this sin?"

True repentance thus consists of changing one's character to the point where, as the person is now, one can no longer even consider doing the forbidden act. Of course, the person's character may deteriorate - and if it does, he may sin again.

God does not testify that the person will never repeat the sin, but rather that his degree of repentance and correction of his character defects are such that, as long as he maintains his new status, he will not commit that sin.

Today I shall...

try to understand how I came to do those things that I regret having done, and bring myself to a state where such acts will be alien to me.

With stories and insights,
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