The Province » Stephen Shalaganhttp://blogs.theprovince.com
The Vancouver ProvinceTue, 31 Mar 2015 22:03:04 +0000enhourly1http://wordpress.com/http://s2.wp.com/i/buttonw-com.png » Stephen Shalaganhttp://blogs.theprovince.com
Aste-RISKhttp://blogs.theprovince.com/2013/01/17/aste-risk/
http://blogs.theprovince.com/2013/01/17/aste-risk/#commentsThu, 17 Jan 2013 17:17:12 +0000http://blogs.theprovince.com/?p=70212 Full disclosure – This post also appears in the paper in something called the “White Towel” pullout section. Which can also be used to mop up spilled soda or surrender to the Germans, whatev. So, if you have an Amish …]]> Full disclosure – This post also appears in the paper in something called the “White Towel” pullout section. Which can also be used to mop up spilled soda or surrender to the Germans, whatev. So, if you have an Amish fetish or a fair to middling ink addiction then pick up a copy. Otherwise, enjoy….

…and we’re back. Well, I hope you’re happy, it looks like there’s going to be an NHL season after all. I’m not going to lie to you guys (much) but I was content to let this season just flame out. I don’t need hockey as much as hockey needs me. I mean, I already have my own set of winter traditions. Yes, the majority of them center on Swarovski ornaments, and changing my masturbatory fantasy of “Red Bikini Phoebe Cates” in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” to “Phoebe Cates in Tight Reindeer Sweater” in “Gremlins” but we work with what we have.

According to the schedule, the Canucks will play 48 intra-conference games before moving into the playoffs for another shot at the Stanley Cup.

I guess the question is: Are we ready for this? Are we as fans, casual fans, women who make their husbands take them to a game so they can text from really good seats with a plastic $12 glass of Pinot Grigio, ready for a potential Stanley Cup victory that could forever be in the record books with an asterisk next to it?

Yes, an asterisk. (…not Asterix, Astrix or “…you know, that thing that looks like Paul Stanley’s Eye”.) I mean, we’re already the heavy set high school girl of the NHL. It’s just that instead of sitting in our room listening to Morrissey and cutting ourselves or dating a carnie because he can score Vicodin AND caramel, we clog up radio call in shows with rants that make the Unabomber’s manifesto read like a Choose Your Own Adventure book.

Are we ready for the never ending cacophony of taunts and jeers from our hated rivals about how our eventual Cup victory will be lesser because it’s just not the same as the ones their teams have?

The asterisk, otherwise known as, “grammar’s cock-block” has been taking great accomplishments and throwing cold water on them for years. Barry Bonds’ home runs, Lance Armstrong’s Tours De France victories, have all become historical punch lines.

Don’t believe me? Here, check this out…

“Jodie Foster is the #1 Box Office Draw in the World*” – *Among pantsuit enthusiasts. And John Hinckley.

“The Spin Doctors are the #1 selling alt rock band in North America*” – *Among people who walk around in bare feet on gas station washroom floors.”

See what I mean? So, I guess if you’re a fan of things that only go halfway, like college girlfriends or Squeaky Fromme, or dating Squeaky Fromme in college, then maybe this could be our year. Woo-freaking-hoo!

Follow me on Twitter @steveinthekt

]]>http://blogs.theprovince.com/2013/01/17/aste-risk/feed/0imagesCA3OA8EFsteveinthektimagesOf Course There’s Video of David Booth Killing A Bear With a Bow!http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/05/12/of-course-theres-video-of-david-booth-killing-a-bear-with-a-bow/
http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/05/12/of-course-theres-video-of-david-booth-killing-a-bear-with-a-bow/#commentsSat, 12 May 2012 18:51:34 +0000http://blogs.theprovince.com/?p=74643It was only a couple of weeks ago that Canucks winger, David Booth let the world know via Twitter that he killed a Bruin.

After the confusion (joyous celebrations) died down and Brad Marchand was located safe and sound, the …

]]>It was only a couple of weeks ago that Canucks winger, David Booth let the world know via Twitter that he killed a Bruin.

After the confusion (joyous celebrations) died down and Brad Marchand was located safe and sound, the hockey watching population was aware that Booth had indeed killed a bear while on a hunting trip.

When Booth initially tweeted out a picture of the bear he took down, it was met with the de rigeur “shock and vitriol” shown towards killing animals in the modern age. I mean, God forbid mankind asserts itself as top of the food chain.

The only thing missing from Booth’s original tweet was how he killed it. Gun? Bungee Sticks? Systematically tearing down its self esteem via horrible Facebook comments until he wound up with a mouthful of prescription medication and the melancholic warblings of Morrissey?

Well today David Booth let the world know he not only killed the bear with a bow, but he’s got some video footage of it as well.

If I had to lay money on the weapon Booth chose, I would have probably plunked some cash down on the bow and arrow. Wait, is it just bow or bow and arrow? I’m going with bow. It sounds more Sam Peckinpah-ish.

Why? Well with, The Hunger Games, The Avengers, and several obscure William Tell fetish websites, the bow has jumped back into favour as the weapon of choice among hunters, super heroes, and teenage girls with a hatred for Woody Harrelson. Hell, archery has even become one of the most popular electives in Texas high schools for the upcoming school year. Yep, because if it’s one things disenfranchised teens need, it’s sharpened sticks shot at a high rate of speed.

I’m pretty sure that Booth will get the usual, “shaking heads” and “askew looks” via internet comments, but you’ve got to admire a guy that sticks to his beliefs.

As a matter of fact, with Booth’s penchant for quoting Roosevelt, and living off of the land, if there was ever a fantasy team drafted for a dystopian future hockey pool, Booth would easily be in my top 2 picks. Number one? Obviously, a sentient cockroach with a wicked wrist shot. So, you know, Ovechkin.

Follow me on Twitter @steveintheKT PETA, organizations to stop hunting, and Gentle Ben enthusiasts feel free to email me at sbshalagan@gmail.com with your outrage. As long as you don’t pass out from hitting the keys; what with your lack of protein from eating meat.

]]>http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/05/12/of-course-theres-video-of-david-booth-killing-a-bear-with-a-bow/feed/3booth3steveinthektbooth2Happy Mother’s Day – The Canucks & the Rest of the NHL Take Time Out to Send Wishes to their Momshttp://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/05/08/happy-mothers-day-the-canucks-the-rest-of-the-nhl-take-time-out-to-send-wishes-to-their-moms/
http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/05/08/happy-mothers-day-the-canucks-the-rest-of-the-nhl-take-time-out-to-send-wishes-to-their-moms/#commentsTue, 08 May 2012 16:44:43 +0000http://blogs.theprovince.com/?p=74070Well it’s almost Mother’s Day, which can only mean there’s a large segment of the population ready to overdress at an area, Cheesecake Factory. And what better way to thank the woman who endured 18 hours of gut wrenching labor …]]>Well it’s almost Mother’s Day, which can only mean there’s a large segment of the population ready to overdress at an area, Cheesecake Factory. And what better way to thank the woman who endured 18 hours of gut wrenching labor to bring you into the world, then with pleated khakis and fully loaded potato skins.

Well, in an effort to humanize their players, the NHL has released a selection of Mother’s Day cards written by some of their more infamous members. Enjoy.

Follow me on Twitter @steveintheKT or email me with the harrowing story of why fitting into relaxed fit chinos are your own personal murder suicide pact with, The GAP at sbshalagan@gmail.com

]]>http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/05/08/happy-mothers-day-the-canucks-the-rest-of-the-nhl-take-time-out-to-send-wishes-to-their-moms/feed/0mothers-day-giftssteveinthektMothers Day BissonnetteMother's Day - CodyMothers Day Patrick KaneMothers Day BettmanMothers Day GillisMothers Day RObertoMothers Day PennerMothers Day Torresmothers day charaMike Gillis Quits Canucks. Hired to Manage The Avengers – Calls Thor “Soft & European.”http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/05/02/mike-gillis-quits-canucks-hired-to-manage-the-avengers-calls-thor-soft-european/
http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/05/02/mike-gillis-quits-canucks-hired-to-manage-the-avengers-calls-thor-soft-european/#commentsWed, 02 May 2012 18:33:42 +0000http://blogs.theprovince.com/?p=73227New York City. Avengers Mansion, the not exactly secret lair of the Marvel Universe’s premiere super team, The Avengers conference room is abuzz with activity as Colonel Nick Fury has called an emergency meeting of the entire team…

Captain America: …

]]>New York City. Avengers Mansion, the not exactly secret lair of the Marvel Universe’s premiere super team, The Avengers conference room is abuzz with activity as Colonel Nick Fury has called an emergency meeting of the entire team…

Captain America: “…so you’re saying that when Billy Ray Valentine drops the vase. He makes the Dukes money because of the insurance.”

Iron Man: “Right, they get the insurance money because they insured the vase.”

Captain America: “But the vase is in Winthorpe’s house. Why did they insure it?”

Iron Man: “I don’t know. I never really thought of that before. I mean, I don’t know.”

Captain America: “Exactly, they’re all rich. Why do they have a vase in Winthorpe’s house?”

Colonel Fury: “Listen up Avengers! We have an all hands on deck emergency here. This could be the greatest threat to mankind since the Krulll / Skree war. So everybody grab a seat and let’s get started.”

Hulk: “HULK SMASH!!”

Colonel Fury: “Yes, Hulk. You will smash. Let’s just get to the briefing.”

Hawkeye: “OK, Fury. Let’s have it. What are we up against?”

Colonel Fury: “Honestly, I don’t know. I’m on strict orders from the President that I’m only here in an advisory role.”

Hawkeye: “What? Who’s going to lead the mission?”

Colonel Fury: “Well here’s what I know. One. We’re chartering a Helicarrier for Boston. Two. I’m a black guy with an eye patch. So, I’m probably not the best guy to lead the mission there. Three, the President has chosen some hotshot with very selective skills. OK, listen up, ladies and gentlemen. Your mission team leader will be Mike Gillis.”

Iron Man: “Who?”

A sudden burst of energy erupts within the mansion. From the Luciferian aura emerges a red faced, Mike Gillis wearing a conservative blazer over a button down shirt.

I don’t care what he says, Knighthawk is just a poor man’s Batman.

Mike Gillis: “Good Morning, Avengers. I’m Mike Gillis, the new General Manager of the team. My job is to put us in the best position to not only thwart this intergalactic threat but to set us up long term to protect the earth in the future.”

Scarlet Witch: “I’m sorry, are you a super hero?”

Mike Gillis: “Not really, no.”

The Vision: “Super powers?”

Mike Gillis: “I don’t believe so.”

Thor: “But surely, thy must possess a superior intellect?”

Mike Gillis:“Um, nope. Just an average guy. I did go to law school. I guess that’s something.”

Captain America: “Regardless, Mike! If the President vouches for you then so do I. AVENGERS ASSEM…”

Mike Gillis: Sorry, Cap. And this goes for all of you. If we want to defeat this threat, then we need to make some changes. Remember, there’s no “I” in Avengers.

Thor: “Dost thou think you may address me. You, a mortal?”

Mike Gillis: “Shut it, Booth. I mean Thor. Look, I’ve been crunching the numbers, and some changes are going to have to be made.”

Yellowjacket: “Wait, wait, we don’t’ even know what we’re up against yet. How do you know what we need to do?”

Mike Gillis: “I’m not here to worry about other teams or villains. We need to be the best Avengers we can. And that goes for beating the number one seed or the Masters of Evil or even this new threat – looks into dossier – the apathetic barista and her sidekick, Dale, the androgynous cyclist.”

Iron Man: “I don’t’ know. I think we’ve got a good team right now. Are you sure we need to change anything?”

Mike Gillis: “Yes, it’s not just about winning today. It’s about winning tomorrow and down the road, or in alternate dimensions or even if we’re thrown into a dystopian future where savage mutants fight for survival in a barren wasteland.”

The Vision: “Like Planet Hulk”

Mike Gillis: “ …or you know, Detroit. OK, where’s the HULK.

HULK not happy with ending of Will & Grace. HULK start politely worded petition on Pinterest to bring show back

Hulk: “HULK SMASH! HULK SMASH!”

Mike Gillis: “Yes, but this is a new Marvel Universe, Hulk. I mean, it’s built for guys like Quicksilver or the Whizzer. We’re going to need you to switch it up. Play differently.”

Hulk: “HULK play more perimeter game? Not go into corners or stand in front of Awesome Android? Hulk tone down rage, maybe take up hot yoga or something?”

Mike Gillis: “For starters your “Jarvis” operating system is way too expensive. We’ve been able to get our hands on an older system, but it’s beloved by millions, thousands, hundreds our parents. It’s called C.O.L.E.S.Y.. I’ve already uploaded it into the mansion. Here, I’ll try it out. COLESY, are you online?”

COLESY: “Right here. Oh baby!”

Mike Gillis: “COLESY, prepare full spectral analysis of all potential threats still outstanding to the Avengers.”

Iron Man: “What the hell? He’s making the beeping noises. He’s not even a computer.”

Mike Gillis: “It’s a work in progress. Work. In. Progress. OK, for the rest of you, I’m trading you to various “developmental teams” like the Legion of Substitute Heroes, The NHL Guardians, The Edmonton Oilers, etcetera, Anyways, tt will all be explained in the envelopes in your lockers.”

Mike Gillis: “Great question. Well, we’re bringing in some new talent to match up with what we’ve got so that we can put out the best team possible. Let me show you some of our new members…

Mike Gillis gestures towards a large screen that glows with fluorescent light.

Mike Gillis: “OK, this is, The Shark AKA Joe Thornton. Let’s see: Apparently, he’s an unstoppable force, a real juggernaut. Oh, and even better, he can also turn invisible, but only during April through July. So, that’s something. Next…

Thor: “Surely, Mike Gillis you cannot be so naïve…”

Mike Gillis: “Hey, I said zip it, Booth.”

Mike Gillis: “Next up is, The Bluejacket. Oooh, sounds pretty impressive. Let’s see, invisibility, gets his powers by drawing on the low self esteem of those around him. Oh, and this is nice, he never has to use a secret identity since no one knows who he is. Great. Next…”

Mike Gillis: And finally, The Diver. Let’s see, gained his powers after being bitten by an irradiated Alex Burrows. Seems to have the proportionate strength speed and dickheadedness of a third line forward playing waaaaay over his head. OK, say it Captain.”

You can follow me on Twitter @steveintheKT or email me with your top 7 Avengers of all time to sbshalagan@gmail.com And yes, you can throw Wonder Man in the mix, but I’ll see you in hell if you add The Black Knight.

]]>http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/05/02/mike-gillis-quits-canucks-hired-to-manage-the-avengers-calls-thor-soft-european/feed/0the-avengers-movie-postersteveinthektgillisimagesCAF7QB7ORoberto Luongo Gives List of “Concerns” to Four Teams. Read Their Responses.http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/04/25/roberto-luongo-gives-list-of-concerns-to-four-teams-read-their-responses/
http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/04/25/roberto-luongo-gives-list-of-concerns-to-four-teams-read-their-responses/#commentsWed, 25 Apr 2012 18:31:29 +0000http://blogs.theprovince.com/?p=72602 “It’s always been about the team first,” he said. “I prefer to do what’s best for the team. It’s a unique circumstance with a guy [Schneider] who’s going to dominate the league.” - Roberto Luongo

Well, I guess that’s …

]]> “It’s always been about the team first,” he said. “I prefer to do what’s best for the team. It’s a unique circumstance with a guy [Schneider] who’s going to dominate the league.” - Roberto Luongo

Well, I guess that’s it then. The only silver lining to the dire news that Roberto Luongo’s time as a Canuck is at an end? The Canucks goalie graveyard will finally have its ornate marble crypt to sit amongst the unmarked graves and wooden crosses of those that came before Luongo. Zombie Garrett!

Now, before the story about where Roberto Luongo will go turns from barely controlled firestorm into a shirt of Nessus type inferno, it’s come to my attention that Roberto has put out a list of “concerns” that must be addressed by each team before he’s willing to entertain being traded there.

Lucky for you and me, Roberto’s agent was kind enough to share with us some of the more interesting concerns held by Luongo, and some of the responses by the General Managers of “teams in the mix”:

The Media

Living and playing in Vancouver meant a constant deluge of media coverage. TV, Print, Radio, Blogs, every arm of the media Leviathan had Luongo in their clutches at one point. It’s difficult for any Canuck player to escape the gaze of the media, but for a star player it’s an impossibility:

If you were to get Roberto Luongo, how would you address this concern?

New York Islanders – We would deflect the attention of the media from Roberto by pointing out that our “capologist” has extrapolated that there are over 546.789 combinations of various body parts and kitchen utensils that Rick DiPietro has yet to injure himself with.

Tampa Bay Lightning – The Tampa Bay Lightning would control the outlets allowed to have access to Roberto Luongo. Right now, the two publications that seem to have the inside track are: Italian Goaltender Weekly and The Luongo Family Christmas Newsletter. Also, Skymall has submitted a questionnaire asking where Roberto likes to eat when he’s in downtown Nashville.

Toronto Maple Leafs – Our GM is Brian Burke. There was an 8 page color spread in today’s paper about his ties causing seizures in children. That’s all you need to know.

Columbus Blue Jackets – Could you clarify what you mean when you talk about this, “media coverage.”

Playing Time: Roberto Luongo is a true number one goalie, and one of the NHL’s superstars. Therefore, it is paramount that he get the lion’s share of playing time, and there is never to be a dispute between who the number one goalie is, and who the number two goalie is.

How would you address this concern?

New York Islanders: To be honest, we haven’t’ seen our number one goalie in about 5 years. Is he at Burning Man? Did he kill a hobo and go underground? I don’t know. I mean, his checks are being cashed and the “Get Well” fruit baskets I send get eaten, but I mean, who the hell knows? Honestly, we just had a police sketch artist put together a computer image of what he might look like today.

Tampa Bay Lightning: If we were to get Roberto Luongo, he would be our number one goalie without any hesitation. Actually, he’d be our only goalie. We’re still eating that contract for Vincent LeCavalier so, it will essentially be Luongo, as the starter and then um, Luongo’s image in a mirror as the backup.

Toronto Maple Leafs: Not a problem. As soon as any of our prospects show any talent whatsoever, we trade them away. Seriously, it’s like, Lord of the Flies over here.

Columbus Blue Jackets: You can have two goalies? For reals?

Recognition from the Fans

Playing in front of the fans in Vancouver can be a challenge. One minute they love you, the next minute they’re trying to have you traded. Roberto Luongo, like any man is sensitive to overly harsh criticism towards himself and his lifestyle on and off the ice.

If you were to get Roberto Luongo how would you address this concern?

New York Islanders: As Roberto already knows, our fans are the greatest fans in the world. Are they passionate about their team? Yes. Are they passionate about their players? Yes. Are they usually fueled by Jagermeister and cough syrup? Yes. Do they have easy access to firearms, and a fatalistic outlook on life? Yes. You know what, I’m just going to stop right there. Oh, we’ve totally stopped publishing player’s home addresses in the programs. So, there’s that.

Tampa Bay Lightning: Starting today, Tampa Bay Lightning scouts have been charged with no longer evaluating any players with a soft “O” sound in their name. When the crowd chants “Looooooo” we want Roberto to know exactly who they mean. Small point, Guy Boucher has just been fired.

Toronto Maple Leafs: A woman on the train this morning tapped me on the shoulder to let me know that my wife chose “Sahara at Dusk” as the paint for our lake house. Also, that “I suck.” So , I make no promises.

Columbus Blue Jackets: No problem here. Right up until 2010, most of the people in Columbus thought we were some kind of, Journey tribute band or an underground Kumite or something. Whatevs.

Team System

Roberto Luongo is a goalie that thrives in the spotlight. The more action he sees the better. The Vancouver Canucks alternated between a tight defensive system, and a wide open offensive style. Roberto is better suited on a team that has a consistent style of play.

If you were to get Roberto Luongo how would you address this concern?

New York Islanders – We play a strong offensive system geared towards creating several chances off the rush, and controlling the puck when we enter the … Nah, just busting your balls. We usually show up, and usually one of the guys has a puck or a ball of tape or something and we just go out there and shoot. I’ll be honest, with you, our team whiteboard just has pictures of boobs drawn on it. You know what? I really need to get my life together. Maybe take some junior college courses. What do you think?

Tampa Bay Lightning – Stamkos. Always Stamkos.

Toronto Maple Leafs – Well, I don’t mind telling you this, but if my trade proposals go through, we’ll be adding Crosby, Ovechkin, and Weber this offseason. And if that doesn’t work out, then we’ll probably just go with Plan B: Burning down the arena for insurance money.

You can follow me on Twitter @steveintheKT or email me with your feelings about rainy days or sad clowns to sbshalagan@gmail.com And please, when I say sad clowns, I mean, crying on the inside clowns. They’ve got nothing to lose.

]]>http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/04/25/roberto-luongo-gives-list-of-concerns-to-four-teams-read-their-responses/feed/0luongo_vinnick_wippertsteveinthektDavid Booth Tweets a Classy Eff You to Fans and Media.http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/04/23/david-booth-tweets-a-classy-eff-you-to-fans-and-media/
http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/04/23/david-booth-tweets-a-classy-eff-you-to-fans-and-media/#commentsMon, 23 Apr 2012 22:52:57 +0000http://blogs.theprovince.com/?p=72302Wikipedia is great for a lot of things: Secret identities of the Avengers, hot girls in, Game of Thrones, and names of obscure 80’s hair bands. Of course, there’s always a dark side, right?

Prolonged use of Wikipedia turns …

]]>Wikipedia is great for a lot of things: Secret identities of the Avengers, hot girls in, Game of Thrones, and names of obscure 80’s hair bands. Of course, there’s always a dark side, right?

Prolonged use of Wikipedia turns you into an erudite dick. “Oh, you didn’t know the GNP of Belgium?” or “How could you not know that beavers aren’t nocturnal?” Am I wrong? Wikipedia has created a new sub societal clique of people with mid range intelligence and fast internet browsers.

I guess that’s what David Booth was thinking this afternoon when he posted this on his Twitter account.

It’s essentially a classy way of saying, “You never played the game, so bugger off.”

The quote is originally from the, “Citizenship In a Republic” speech given by U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt at the Sorbonne in Paris. How do I know this? Wikipedia, baby!

David Booth can say whatever he wants, it’s a free country, and I don’t begrudge him his right to vent at all. If I was in the same position I’d have probably done the same thing. Well, most of my tweets would have been quotes from, Animal House and assorted, Scooby Doo episodes, but you get the idea.

As a matter of fact, I’m even cool with Booth taking a poke at fans and media. Let’s face it, the fans and media of this city can be a bit invasive. And by, “a bit invasive” I mean, there are colonoscopies that discover less.

My problem is simple. I hate when people tweet historical quotes, or things they read on a motivational poster somewhere. Why? What’s the point? Are we all of a sudden supposed to forget Booth is the guy that tweeted this:

He ate at a gas station? That’s the restaurant equivalent of touching a Kardashian. I wonder if Booth knew that the speech was also quoted a lot by US President Nixon upon his resignation over the Watergate affair.

Look, as a celebrity, I don’t give a rat’s ass about your connection to George Washington Carver or where your rainbows come from. You have a duty to us in the cheap seats. Possible tweets about your burgeoning bicuriosity and a neighbor with pudding on her dress or funny crap about kittens wearing bunny costumes.

Given his play this year, maybe Booth should have used this Theodore Roosevelt quote:

“Speak softly and carry a big stick…”

Follow me on Twitter @steveintheKT or email me at sbshalagan@gmail.com. Of course, I’ll be on your Pictionary team. Just don’t be that guy who always draws rainbows.

]]>http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/04/23/david-booth-tweets-a-classy-eff-you-to-fans-and-media/feed/1booth3steveinthektBoothBooth5Video – NBC Announcer Calls Nashville “HonkeyTown.” George Jefferson Suing for Trademark Infringementhttp://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/04/23/nbc-announcer-calls-nashville-honkeytown-george-jefferson-suing-for-trademark-infringement/
http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/04/23/nbc-announcer-calls-nashville-honkeytown-george-jefferson-suing-for-trademark-infringement/#commentsMon, 23 Apr 2012 13:29:14 +0000http://blogs.theprovince.com/?p=72218“Yes, this is Dave Strader. Why yes, I did go to the Jim Nantz School of Broadcasting, why do you ask?”

The Nashville Predators defeated the Detroit Red Wings 2 -1 on Friday night, and advanced to the second round …

]]>“Yes, this is Dave Strader. Why yes, I did go to the Jim Nantz School of Broadcasting, why do you ask?”

The Nashville Predators defeated the Detroit Red Wings 2 -1 on Friday night, and advanced to the second round of the Stanley Cup playoffs, but the best part of the entire game is NHL play by play guy, Dave Strader’s final call to punctuate the win by Nashville.

“Honkeytown has taken down Hockeytown as Nashville wins the series 4 games to 1!”

Um, gulp. I’m not sure where exactly Honkeytown is, but it’s a lock that their mall is full of nothing but, Banana Republics, and stores selling robust, peppery Merlots.

OK, we all know what Strader was trying to accomplish. Yes, Nashville is the epicenter of country music, and we all know he was shooting for something like, “Honkeytonk” or “Honkeytonktown” but he reached for the stars, and ended up with “Honkeytown.” Which I’m pretty sure, isn’t what he had in mind.

Where is “Honkeytown”? Who knows, I always thought it was Branson, Missouri. Either way, you can be assured, this guy is the mayor.

So, let this be a lesson to you, up and coming broadcasters or possible white supremacist city planners, there’s only two absolutes when it comes to sports punnery: 1. Leave it to Jim Nantz. 2. Jim Nantz is an idiot.

As for the possible fallout coming Dave Strader’s way? He’ll land on his feet, Donald Sterling, the owner of the Clippers is always looking for a play by play guy.

You can follow me on Twitter @steveintheKT or email me at sbshalagan@gmail.com with your ideas for a city built entirely on the ideas of free thought and a Cinnabon on every corner.

Well, as I’m wont to do on a lazy Friday afternoon, I like to have a large bowl of Count Chocula, spend some time working on jigsaw puzzles and paruse the ol’ inbox. So color me distressed when I came across this little gem left to my office voicemail after Wednesday night’s game.

I could describe it, but I’d rather you hear it for yourself. Also, I’d have to wash my mouth out with soap. Oh, I bleeped a lot of it out, but it’s still pretty risque. I mean, probably not even close to what goes on in Stacy Hamilton’s pool house, but still.

I know, right? Right?

I would have called back, but I was kind of busy. And by kind of busy, I mean I was curled up in the fetal position for about an hour. Honestly, I was so violated I swabbed myself. This is almost as bad as Roberto Luongo’s birthday cake.

What is it about Boston fans, and their committment to their ridiculous teams? I mean, I’ve seen suicide cultists with less intensity. Oh well, at least we have our President’s trophies. I mean, that’s something. Right? Right?

At least the calls weren’t coming from inside the house.

You can follow me on Twitter @steveintheKT or email me with your complaints, death threats, and apparently things you’d like to do to me and or my ass to sbshalagan@gmail.com.

]]>http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/04/20/bruins-fan-leaves-awesome-drunk-voice-mail-p-s-they-still-hate-canucks-fans-nsfw-ish/feed/0bruinssteveinthektDaniel Sedin Skating with David Booth Tonight? Friendship Bracelets for Everyone!http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/04/18/daniel-sedin-skating-with-david-booth-tonight-friendship-bracelets-for-everyone/
http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/04/18/daniel-sedin-skating-with-david-booth-tonight-friendship-bracelets-for-everyone/#commentsWed, 18 Apr 2012 14:28:30 +0000http://blogs.theprovince.com/?p=71464“I haven’t been able to work out and my shape is probably about as slow as it’s been in five years”- Daniel Sedin

“We worked their [The LA Kings] D. They are starting to get tired. We are really …

]]>“I haven’t been able to work out and my shape is probably about as slow as it’s been in five years”- Daniel Sedin

“We worked their [The LA Kings] D. They are starting to get tired. We are really working them hard in their end. It’s going to turn around.”- Henrik Sedin

“I just hope when it’s all said and done, we can all still be friends. I’ve already drawn up some sketches of unicorns and rainbows in my dream journal that would make great t-shirts.” – David Booth (Maybe?)

If only the Canucks were going into their third playoff game against the Los Angeles Kings. At least we’d have some kind of precedent to draw from. I mean, everyone knows the third installment of everything is where the good guy(s) finally triumph over evil. Or in the case of, The Godfather III, Sofia Coppola dies. So really, a win win all around.

Unfortunately, this is the fourth and potentially the last playoff game the Canucks will play this year. And fours are really kind of uncharted territory as to how things will mete out. There’s really not much to go on here, right? Rocky IV? Sure he wins, but at what cost? Apollo dies, Rocky’s kid has a disturbingly weird hair cut, and Brigitte Nielsen’s side boob is prevalent.

I guess that’s why it’s a good thing that Daniel Sedin is finally back. Will he play? Who knows? Is he feeling better? I guess. Down 3 – 0 in the series, the rest of the team playing like those unnamed ensigns on Star Trek that are essentially just target practice for the Klingons, and worst of all, no sightings of Kate Upton in the stands cheering on the Kings, this is not the time for subterfuge.

If Daniel Sedin is a “game time decision” then should he really be playing? Even his post practice comments are less than inspiring:

“If I don’t feel right tomorrow, I won’t play,”

Really? These are not inspiring words, Daniel. This is the kind of wordplay engaged in by middle managers getting tagged out by the guy with the crutches during co-ed softball.

Well, if he does play, then it appears he’ll be skating on a line with his brother, Henrik and eternal optimist, David Booth. So far in the series, Booth has gone without a point and held to one shot. And when I say “held” it’s in the same category as “holding” the desire to eat Filet O Fishes or google: Designing Women Erotica.

Remember, no one else sees the faeries but you. Remember, no one else sees the faeries but you.

I’m fully aware that the Canucks haven’t had much success this post season, but switching up the lines again? Come on! There’s an old saying: “When you go to a steak house, you have the steak.” If the Canucks want to score themselves out of this series, then they should be using the line that has been consistent all season: Burrows, Sedin and Sedin.

But if Alain Vigneault is dead set on lining up with Booth, Sedin and Sedin, here’s some warning signs that this unholy alliance wasn’t a good idea to begin with:

Booth spends most of the first period making different colored friendship bracelets so he can tell the twins apart.

Confusion reigns as Henrik tells Booth to keep his stick on the ice and he’ll pass to him in the slot:

Henrik: “Keep your stick with the blade to the right and I’ll pass you the puck.”

Booth: “What? I’m confused.”

Henrik: “Oh, well just keep your blade out and I’ll hit you with the pass. Is that what you mean?”

Booth: “No, what’s this ‘pass’ thing you keep talking about?”

Daniel and Henrik try to involve Booth in their cycle game, but abandon it when he won’t stop yelling “Wheeeeeee!” as they skate in circles.

You can follow me on Twitter @steveintheKT or email me at sbshalagan@gmail.com with what you’re planning to do if the Canucks get eliminated tonight. You know, take more walks, spend spend time with the family, horrific murder suicide pact with unhinged stranger you met online.

]]>http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/04/18/daniel-sedin-skating-with-david-booth-tonight-friendship-bracelets-for-everyone/feed/0sedinsteveinthektboothIs the Canucks PR Department Already Working on Alain Vigneault’s Replacement?http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/04/17/is-the-canucks-pr-department-already-working-on-alain-vigneaults-replacement/
http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/04/17/is-the-canucks-pr-department-already-working-on-alain-vigneaults-replacement/#commentsTue, 17 Apr 2012 20:11:54 +0000http://blogs.theprovince.com/?p=71345Deep in the bowels of Rogers Arena, the Vancouver Canucks PR Team is hard at work.

PR#1: “…and going forward, we will just refer to concussions as “brain hugs.” As in, ‘Daniel is still feeling the effects of a brain …

]]>Deep in the bowels of Rogers Arena, the Vancouver Canucks PR Team is hard at work.

PR#1: “…and going forward, we will just refer to concussions as “brain hugs.” As in, ‘Daniel is still feeling the effects of a brain hug.’ It just sounds, I don’t know, classier?”

PR#2: “Yeah, I like it. It has a real “Morgan Freeman voice over” feel to it. OK, what’s next?”

PR#2: “Crapass! OK, uh, uh, Oh, I got it: ‘Kesler Down!” Every time he falls or dives or leaps or somersaults, money goes to some charitable crap or something. I mean, just think of it. In the last game alone we could have knocked out world hunger, canine MS, and bangs”

PR#1: “Bangs? Like the hair? That’s a thing?”

PR#2: “Oh yeah, do you not listen to any John Cougar? His whole career is based on chicks with bangs.”

PR#1: “Ah, OK. Yeah, it sounds good, but I think Hartnell is doing the same thing in Philly. And his is, you know, actually legitimate.”

PR#2: “Ah right, legitimacy, the bane of public relations departments everywhere. OK, OK, magnetic fields? No? OK, man this is tough. Why doesn’t he just ask us to replace Vigneault while he’s at it? Am I right? I’m right, right?”

PR#1: “Um, speaking of that, have you seen #3 on that list?”

Well, here we are again. I mean it went a little bit better than Zack Kassian’s meeting with the Canucks PR Department. So, the Canucks chances of winning the Stanley Cup this season now fall somewhere between: “watchable Julia Roberts movie” and “hot white girl gone missing in Aruba being found alive.”

What makes this season such hard cheese is that this was supposed to be the year. The year where the Canucks were finally set up not to compete for the Stanley Cup, but to run roughshod over the rest of the league on their way to hoist the chalice like the fat kid holds the conch in, Lord of the Flies.

This was the year of the balanced lines: Toughness, finesse, scoring, deep down the middle. Instead, we had one great line followed by a, Love Boat styled collection of cameos, guest stars, and “special appearances” from skaters who couldn’t put together anything resembling a consistent season.

Where did it all go wrong? At what point did this “Justice League” of a hockey team devolve into those weird ethnically diverse heroes that popped up on the Superfriends from time to time. (Oh, you’re a giant Indian guy? Of course you’re going to be wise and talk. in. stilted. sentences.)

Well, the Canucks season is almost at an end, and as is the case in the hyper agitated fishbowl that is Vancouver, the dissection has begun. Actually, scratch that, with the brutality practiced by the fans and media around here, it’s more like vivisection.

And of course, it’s already begun with the call for Alain Vigneault’s immaculately coiffed head.

Yep, that’s right. Fire the guy who took the Canucks to within a goal of their first ever Stanley Cup, their only two EVER President’s trophies and a Jack Adams trophy. Makes sense to me.

I mean let’s not focus on the complete lack of goal scoring from lines 2 through 4 through the season, as well as the playoffs. A power play colder than the “WASPy Mom” who didn’t cry when her son made her a papier macher brooch for Mother’s Day, and a defensive corps made up of chewing gum, an old bottle cap and some kind of washer or bolt or something.

Myself? I’m already looking forward to the next 3 months or so of awesome phrases of: “players have tuned him out” and “outcoached by (insert coach’s name here)”.

Anyways, I’m not going to be “that guy.” There’s already enough idiots willing to put that cardboard crown on their head.

Nope, instead I asked the Vancouver Canucks PR Department to provide me with a copy of their pending want ad that will be used if they do hire a new coach:

NHL Team Looking for New Head Coach

Are you a self starter and easily motivated? Can you win the Stanley Cup? Then this NHL team located on the West Coast may be for you. Can you put out a team that scores a lot of goals? But not too many goals, we need a lot of defense. Just not too much defense, because that means you’re not scoring.

Ideally, we’d like you to win every game 5 – 0. Like in Karate Kid 3 where that weird long haired kid gets a point and then gets a point taken away. That would be awesome!

Oh, and be tough. Make sure your team plays tough. We love a tough team. Just you know, not too tough, because then that means you’re an undisciplined maverick. So, maybe one time you could send out your tough guys to send a message, but then have them score at the same time. Remember that thing about scoring.

Also, don’t get your guys injured. Then you’re reckless and not showing any intelligence. Because we all know that injured players are your fault.

Do you know how to fill in a lineup card? Can you play with one goalie the whole year? If you don’t you’ll have a goalie controversy.

Can you deal with fans? When I say “fans’ I’m talking one level above suicide bomber and one level below… OK, I can’t lie, there is no level below. There are adults who actually wear jerseys here, and they even give themselves Canucks themed Twitter accounts. I kid you not.

Oh and don’t get outcoached. We don’t know what that really means, but DON’T DO IT! And don’t criticize your popular players. Because, the fans love them. Oh, they love you too, but you’re always going to get blamed. But don’t worry; we have a full health care plan and access to really kick ass antidepressants. They’re from Japan. They’re Japanese.

On the plus side we don’t care what language you speak. French, English, Esperanto, Whatever the hell Daryl Sutter is saying.

Follow me on Twitter @steveintheKT or email me at sbshalagan@gmail.com with your preference for a player’s coach or a tough but fair coach, or the seldom seen, coach who brings muffins.

]]>http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/04/17/is-the-canucks-pr-department-already-working-on-alain-vigneaults-replacement/feed/0vigneault-alain_940-8colsteveinthektMilan Lucic’s & Cory Schneider’s Girlfriends Take the Canucks / Bruins Rivalry to the Next Level. No Word if Sexy Pillowfight Scheduled.http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/04/02/milan-lucics-cory-schneiders-girlfriend-take-the-canucks-bruins-rivalry-to-the-next-level-no-word-if-sexy-pillowfight-scheduled/
http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/04/02/milan-lucics-cory-schneiders-girlfriend-take-the-canucks-bruins-rivalry-to-the-next-level-no-word-if-sexy-pillowfight-scheduled/#commentsMon, 02 Apr 2012 12:33:07 +0000http://blogs.theprovince.com/?p=68955I live by three hard rules….

1. I find movies about ex CIA, Navy SEALS, Special Forces Members, irradiated carnies, etc… that take jobs as chauffeurs completely unbelievable unless they’re transporting some kind of Asian private school girl out of …

]]>I live by three hard rules….

1. I find movies about ex CIA, Navy SEALS, Special Forces Members, irradiated carnies, etc… that take jobs as chauffeurs completely unbelievable unless they’re transporting some kind of Asian private school girl out of danger.

2. Trying to fold a fitted sheet is my own personal, Hiroshima. So I don’t even try.

3. Two dudes fighting? OK. Two ladies throwing down? Gold, pure gold.

Just when we thought the Boston Bruins / Vancouver Canucks rivalry had mellowed a little bit, this happened:

Milan Lucic’s girlfriend, and high heel enthusiast, Brittany Carnegie took the Bruins / Canucks rivalry to the next level. Some thoughts:

So, umm, first… I don’t think “fingered” is exactly the right term here, I mean, I’m not going to lie, my, Bruins/Canucks Letters to Penthouse finally has the introduction it deserves. It just sounds way better than my original idea of Mark Recchi giving free pelvic exams.

Secondly: It’s Schneider. Cory Schneider.

Thirdly: Really? Really? I mean don’t get me wrong, the “chick fight” is almost every guy’s finishing move, but couldn’t we have had some better lead up to it? I don’t know, at least throw something in there about a sweaty cheerleading competition gone awry or maybe a sexy pillow fight that got out of hand. For Christ’s sake the least she could have done was mention something about a stormy night, moderately priced Pinot and bi-curious leanings!

Oh, am I not giving this the seriousness it deserves? What do you want from me: An analysis? A tale of the tape? Some sad headshaking? An Oprah like plea for understanding?

Nope. Not going to happen. It’s two chicks fighting! She might as well have just said something about unicorns riding ligers. Serious discourse? Screw that, this will probably be on my Christmas card this year.

OK, OK, I guess this has something to do with the trappings of what our society classifies as “celebrity” nowadays. Even the hangers on, cronies and family members of real famous people seem to have an influence on our day to day conversations.

Hell, I’ve been following the Kardashian’s cat psychic for months on My Space.

Look, I don’t understand girls. And if you’re a dude, you don’t either. She (Brittany Carnegie) was angry about something that apparently happened, and she did something that has become all too frequent nowadays, she went to Twitter to voice her opinion without giving it some serious forethought before doing so. It won’t be the last time a person who feels slighted does this, and if what she says happened, happened, then it was a pretty silly thing all around.

A moment of clarity: I’ve read a lot of the replies on Twitter to Miss Carnegie, and once again it only reinforces my belief that there’s a lot of Canucks and Bruins fans out there that are exactly the reason it’s an embarrassment sometimes to say you’re a fan of either team.

OK, let's see.. Girl? Check. Cup? Check. God, what am I missing? If I could just put my finger on it.

Young girl got mad on Twitter about something silly. Does it deserve to be made fun of? Yep. Does she deserve to be called the names that Canucks fans are calling her? Nope. Never.

As usual, the NHL PR Department has their fingers crossed that she doesn’t’ have the same kind of confrontation with Alex Semin’s girlfriend. The NHL isn’t ready for that kind of headline. Hustler, yes. The NHL, no. The only question now is: Will Michael Bay direct?

You can follow me on Twitter @steveintheKT or email me with your moral outrage and taunts to sbshalagan@gmail.com

]]>http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/04/02/milan-lucics-cory-schneiders-girlfriend-take-the-canucks-bruins-rivalry-to-the-next-level-no-word-if-sexy-pillowfight-scheduled/feed/10Cats_Fightingsteveinthekttumblr_m1sqxy6Nnm1qd9qzjo1_500carnegieHollywood Director, Michael Bay Buys Canucks. Plans “Reboot” Before the Playoffs.http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/03/21/hollywood-director-michael-bay-buys-canucks-plans-reboot-before-the-playoffs/
http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/03/21/hollywood-director-michael-bay-buys-canucks-plans-reboot-before-the-playoffs/#commentsWed, 21 Mar 2012 13:43:38 +0000http://blogs.theprovince.com/?p=66857Well, it was only a matter of time. With the Canucks going a milquetoast 3, 5 and 2 in their last 10 games, something needed to be done to jumpstart the franchise before it begins to flounder and take on …]]>Well, it was only a matter of time. With the Canucks going a milquetoast 3, 5 and 2 in their last 10 games, something needed to be done to jumpstart the franchise before it begins to flounder and take on the stink of an Arby’s restroom, or worse yet, an Arby’s.

And being the maverick leader that he is, rogue General Manager Mike Gillis has taken a page from a long standing Hollywood tradition to get the Canucks back into the good graces of the fans. In this completely made up pres conference I just thought of, Mike Gillis explains the situation unfolding at Rogers Arena:

Gillis: “…well, I think the final straw was when I asked Alain to come up with some more complementary pairings for the Wild game and 5 minutes later he’s throwing a wadded up cocktail napkin at me with, ‘drinking orange juice after brushing your teeth’ and ‘Asian guys trying to grow a beard’ written in red marker on it.”

“I knew then that maybe we, as a franchise were going through some problems with complacency and uninspired play. I needed to do something before it impacted our chances in the playoffs, and more importantly our bottom line.”

Scrum Reporter: “…and you started turning off the fans?”

Gillis: “Ha, ha, Ohhh, No. Ha, Oh, God no! Those guys will watch anything. Seriously, last month to save a few bucks we replaced Aaron Rome with his Mexican non union equivalent, and changed the butter flavoring on the popcorn with what may or may not be asbestos; still no complaints.”

“Anyways, as you all know this franchise has left no stone unturned in finding alternative methods to give our team the edge. Whether it was the hyperbaric chamber, once we got the smell of Michael Jackson and Capri Sun out of there, a sleep doctor or our spring loaded goalie sticks, the Canucks have done everything possible to give our players an advantage.”

Yep, it appears that the Canucks franchise is about to go through a reboot just before the playoffs, and really who better to do it then the guy responsible for CGI raping my childhood, Michael Bay. While the Canucks are always loathe to disclose financial details, Gillis did mention that Bay, was more than willing to put in the $200 million for the reboot. Bay called it “his gum money.”

Hey, what can go wrong?

According to Wikipedia, because let’s face it, I’m way too lazy to do any real reading, Michael Bay is best known for big budget blockbusters with quick edits, stylized effects (scantily clad lingerie models/amoral Outback hostesses) and “substantial practical effects” i.e. He blows the shit out of stuff!

Luckily, the Legion had a front row seat (yes, that’s clever wordplay) to Bay’s proposed reboot of the Canucks. Here’s just some of what he’s got planned:

Mason Raymond’s erratic skating motion has sent him right into the path of a lackadaisical Ryan Kesler. Can a rag tag band of misfits (Kassian and Gragnani) knock him off course before the Canucks playoff hopes are dashed? As Raymond falls to the ice and explodes in a gang bang of color and pyrotechnics, a tiny rocket reaches escape velocity and escapes off the back of his sweater.

Michael Bay has already grown tired of the so called “goalie controversy” between current starter, Roberto Luongo and upstart back up Cory Schneider. Bay has decided to think outside of the box, and start Lion-O from theThundercats.

In order to save money on the production, all the classic, stylized shots of the actors/players walking away from explosions in slow motion will be shot at regular speed using Aaron Rome.

Megan Fox has been hired on as a consultan, just so that Chris Higgins foot isn’t the most infectious thing in the Canucks locker room.

Good news, Alex Burrows will be getting an acting coach to help him draw more penalties. Bad news: it’s Nicolas Cage.

Citing a lack of chemistry, the line of Kesler, Higgins and Booth will be replaced with Will Smith, Martin Lawrence, and a Wayans’ Brother; probably the black one.

Bay has sent a memo to all media outlets to refer to David Booth as the “feel good player of the year.” Conversely, he’s also asked to have Keith Ballard’s play in his own zone referred to as a “non stop roller coaster ride that will have you on the edge of your seat.”

After having little to no impact on the subdued fans of Rogers Arena, the giant scoreboard usually asking the fans to “MAKE SOME NOISE” is replaced by a jarring message of Kevin Bieksa telling the fans that if there isn’t at least one wave before the end of the game, the vials of mustard gas hidden somewhere in the rink will be released.

The media has made a lot recently of the Canucks not making effective tape to tape passes out of their own end. After a lengthy one on one meeting with Canucks Head Coach, Alain Vigneault, Michael Bay has released a statement saying that they’ll, “…fix it in editing.”

Bay has decided to take advantage of Ryan Kesler’s and Christopher Higgin’s sculpted abs by petitioning the league that all scrums in front of the net either end in 10 minute misconducts or long, homoerotic sequences of them washing an ’87 Firebird.

After hearing about the Sedins and their almost uncanny sense of knowing where each other is on the ice, Bay has decided to “tweak” their bios by changing their, “Place of Birth” in the team program from Sweden to “Area 51.”

Although many fans believe the Canucks had lost out on a future superstar when Cody Hodgson was traded away for Zack Kassian. Michael has “reimagined” the trade to include Evgeni Malkin and Steven Stamkos.

Bay feels the traditional singing of the national anthems doesn’t quite have enough of the smoldering eroticism he’s after. From now on, the Canadian anthem will be a haunting Aerosmith ballad, and the American anthem will just be synchronized roman candle bursts, smoke machines, and monkeys riding dogs.

The team of Puppeteers responsible for operating Keanu Reeves has been brought in to make Sammy Pahlsson appear more lifelike.

Follow me on Twitter @steveintheKT or email me with your questions and comments to sbshalagan@gmail.com. Potentially racist robots are always an option.

]]>http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/03/21/hollywood-director-michael-bay-buys-canucks-plans-reboot-before-the-playoffs/feed/5michael-bay-transformerssteveinthektssssThe Rules of Hockey Etiquette – An Instructional Guide on What to Do When Cody Hodgson Returnshttp://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/03/02/the-rules-of-hockey-etiquette-an-instructional-guide-on-what-to-do-when-cody-hodgson-returns/
http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/03/02/the-rules-of-hockey-etiquette-an-instructional-guide-on-what-to-do-when-cody-hodgson-returns/#commentsSat, 03 Mar 2012 02:37:05 +0000http://blogs.theprovince.com/?p=63844From time to time at the Legion, we like to give back to the community. Call it a way to show you the reader that we care; a public service if you will. Also, keep in mind this has nothing …]]>From time to time at the Legion, we like to give back to the community. Call it a way to show you the reader that we care; a public service if you will. Also, keep in mind this has nothing to do with any reports about a court order, and a model glue fueled “Jennifer Capriatiesque” bender that may or may not have occurred last month.

I would just like to point out that in my defense: It does say, “…for ages 8 and up.” So take that Mr. “Sir, you’re upsetting all the children in the ballroom.”

Anyways like I was saying: this is all about giving back, answering your questions, making sure you have the information you need to make the right choices. Just think of me as those GI Joe, “knowing is half the battle PSA’s” just without the abwork and thinly veiled homoeroticism.

Now that the NHL Trade deadline is all but a memory for Canucks nation, now should be the time to look ahead to the playoffs. Sadly, a lot of you still can’t get past the trade that sent old fan favorite, Cody Hodgson to the Buffalo Sabres for new fan favorite, Zack Kassian who has displaced current fan favorite, Alex Edler.

The trade really seems to have stirred up quite the hornet’s nest. Nope, hang on. Oh, pit of vipers? No? Hmmmm, oh here we go: The trade really seems to have stirred up quite the lair of Nick Nolte’s with a lot of Canucks fans.

I bet you can't guess how many stray cats are in my pockets

Whether it’s talk of what Hodgson’s agent knew and when he knew it or why Canucks GM, Mike Gillis refused to answer questions regarding the trade or even how this new unproven AHL roster player will improve the Canucks for the playoffs? The blue white and green masses want to know.

But the question that’s really got everyone perplexed, like when there’s a Frankenstein in a movie and sometimes he’s good and let’s kids climb on him and junk. But then in other movies, he’s mean and eats your face or stuff. What’s up with that? Anyways, the obviously “indicative” Canucks fan wants to know: What do we do when Cody skates onto the ice wearing a Sabres uniform?

Well, lucky for you guys, I’ve been in touch with the NHL’s “Rules of Hockey Etiquette Department.”

Founded in 1988, after the infamous Jim Schonfield / Don Koharski fried pastry incident, the NHL Etiquette Department was established to help fans and players bring a certain gentlemanly refinement that seemed to be missing from the game.

This morning, Lady Camilla Birchwood, the head of the NHL Etiquette Department was kind enough to answer my questions via Instant Messenger. I hope it helps.

How should Canucks fans react when Cody Hodgson takes to the ice for the first time?

While there is no formal way to respond to an old player making his debut on a new team it’s best to observe the old adage, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say something at all.” When Cody gets on the ice for his first shift, it’s best to acknowledge him right away. Like seeing your ex at a Denny’s or when the autoerotic asphyxiation practitioner you’re sponsoring forgets his safe word.

By all means do not ignore him. Don’t do that thing where you pretend to be getting a funny text message or engrossed in the conversation you’re having with the person next to you. It’s best to politely applaud, smile and move on.

How should Canucks fans react if Cody Hodgson scores a goal?

Oh Goodness, that would be something wouldn’t it? Well Dears, I would always take the high road in a situation like this. You may not like it. You may actually despise it. I mean, it’s only been 4 months, and you’re already banging the Nanny?! My God, she smacks her gum and smells like desperation and Gary Busey’s pants.

Oh, sorry, where was I? Ah, right, best to just applaud, and wish him well. After all, he was your best player for several years.

Um, sorry, Ms. Birchwood, he wasn’t actually our best player.

Ah, well then. He was a very, very integral part to your run to the Stanley Cup Finals last year, and he has spent his entire career here so, I…

Um, again, sorry, he actually has only played just over two thirds of one season with the Canucks.

Really, are Canucks fans in the habit of doing things like this? Oh, poor misguided Moppets. Do they also hold candlelight vigils for Def Leppard drummers and Kardashian weddings. My goodness.

OK, well thanks for helping me with this potentially explosive situation.

I’m not going to lie to you, she went on for several more paragraphs, but it was mostly about 19th century erotica and profanity laced epithets hurled at the Belgians.

So Canuckistan there you have it, some answers to what to do when Cody Hodgson takes to the ice.

But wait, I know what you’re saying: “But you haven’t accounted for every possible contingency.” No you’re right, I haven’t. Here’s some other possible scenarios:

What if Cody befriends a really popular ice girl that just moved into town, and then Zack Cassian shows up and they fall in love by accident? Is Cody’s only recourse to join the Sabres and score in the last second of the game?

Stephen Shalagan can be followed on Twitter @steveintheKT or email me with ideas on how to remove rust stains, and ideas for kid’s parties at sbshalagan@gmail.com. Just don’t be a dick and say anything about piñatas. Pinatas are so 2006.

]]>http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/03/02/the-rules-of-hockey-etiquette-an-instructional-guide-on-what-to-do-when-cody-hodgson-returns/feed/00301hodgsonsteveinthektimagesCA2R0UEHYour Legion of Blog Canucks Trade Deadline Day Ranking System is Here.http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/02/20/your-legion-of-blog-canucks-trade-deadline-day-ranking-system-is-here/
http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/02/20/your-legion-of-blog-canucks-trade-deadline-day-ranking-system-is-here/#commentsMon, 20 Feb 2012 22:14:06 +0000http://blogs.theprovince.com/?p=61407It’s officially one week away from the NHL Trade Deadline; that magical 8-9 hour window in which obscure Finnish Elite league players, underperforming 3rd liners, and 35 year old goalies playing in the ECHL finally get their moments in …]]>It’s officially one week away from the NHL Trade Deadline; that magical 8-9 hour window in which obscure Finnish Elite league players, underperforming 3rd liners, and 35 year old goalies playing in the ECHL finally get their moments in the sun.

And the Legion will be there with 24, possibly 25 hour (my metric is rusty) around the clock coverage. We’ll have it all: experts with nameless sources (voices in head), velcro wallets for the kids, insiders with high level contacts (sock puppets), professional analysis (Pop-O-Matic Bubble) and actual NHL GM’s who want to remain anonymous (You’re not fooling anyone, “Fay Jeaster”).

And now that those busy bodies over at Amnesty International have stuck their noses in, and it’s no longer acceptable to water board PJ Stock, how will we be able to cut through all the chatter to help you separate fact from fiction?

Well, lucky for you, I’ve come up with a complex evaluation matrix that will help explicate each trade rumor as it comes over the wire. Feel free to print one out and laminate it. You know, for your wallet:

"Where am I going? No. Seriously? Where?"

LB1 – The Unicorn: Like other legendary creatures, the LB1 trade rumor only exists in the fantasies of effeminate drama students or General Managers of California based NHL teams. No corroborating sources, an imbalance of talent headed one way in the deal, the money not adding up, Mike Milbury giving it his “lock of the decade”, these are the hallmarks of the LB1 trade rumor.

Sure, they make for exciting bedtime stories when Eric Francis can’t sleep because his “pajama vest” is too snug, but they are nothing more than the stuff of fantasy. Well then, where do these fantastical trade ideas come from? Possibly obscure Slovakian internet message boards, but more than likely, Dean Lombardi’s dream journal.

LB2 – The Middling Hot Waitress: Just when you thought all was lost, “Terri” makes a tiny happy face with a smile on your bill. That’s all the opening you need. I mean, sure, she didn’t laugh when you tried to substitute her for mozzarella sticks, and yes, things got awkward when you asked her what: “the most sensual of wing flavors…” was, but you’ve still got a chance; and that, my friend is the LB2 trade rumor.

Sure, it makes no sense, one of the players may have a no trade clause (severe rash) and why would the Canucks even trade for another backup goalie. But, the fact that the local paper is reporting, that Corey Schneider has just bought a house and a Labradoodle in suburban Tampa Bay leaves the door opened, if only just a smidge.

LB3 – High Fructose Corn Syrup – Sure, you enjoy gourmet nut butters ground as you wait, as much as the next guy, but 3 ounces for $8.00 is a bit steep. I mean, you can get 3 jars of Jif on the next aisle over for like, a nickel. And then, the Soccer Mom next to you, with the Lu Lu Lemon yoga pants, who smells like restroom sex and banana bread pulls an article from her 100% hemp bag and shows you the evils of high fructose corn syrup. That’s the LB3.

Yes, there are some verifiable sources. Yes, the deal does actually make sense for both teams. Yes, the money seems to work. But there’s an equally compelling argument that this trade is absolute nonsense, and your kid’s Type 2 diabetes has more to do with the can of double fudge frosting they mainline every night before bed.

LB4 – Superman Reimagining: I’m rarely one to say, “I told you so,” but I knew the idea of Kevin Spacey playing Superman’s arch nemesis was going to be box office poison. Sure, he was great in, Ámerican Beauty, but I doubt he was going to destroy Superman with suburban midlife angst and erotic dreams about Mena Suvari. The result was a mediocre movie about an iconic character in American pop culture history.

But, Superman is too bankable of a franchise to let die. A “reimagining” is already on the way. And that’s the LB4 rumor. More than one verifiable source, the deal make sense financially for both teams, and each team is getting exactly what they need. As a matter of fact, the only thing that keeps it from being a done deal is the possibility that one of the players refuses to waive his no trade clause or Joel Schumacher’s bright idea to add nipples to his costume, I mean uniform.

LB5 – Your Batshit Crazy Ex: Look, what did you expect? I mean, you met her at an Insane Clown Posse concert for Christ’s sake, and the next day she was getting your name tattooed on her ass. That’s the LB5 rumor. It’s a done deal. It’s a sure thing. It’s happening. The sources are legitimate, the money makes sense, and both teams are getting exactly what they want. Also, you may have crabs. Crabs or Rick Nash.

Follow me on Twitter @steveintheKT for all your trade deadline updates or email me at sbshalagan@gmail.com for up to the minute news about the BLT I just ordered. Spoiler… The bacon was crisp.

]]>http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/02/20/your-legion-of-blog-canucks-trade-deadline-day-ranking-system-is-here/feed/080392-lgsteveinthektedmontonScott Gomez Goes Almost A Year Without A Goal. Of Course Canadiens Fans Create A Facebook Page to Celebrate Ithttp://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/02/03/scott-gomez-goes-almost-a-year-without-a-goal-of-course-canadiens-fans-create-a-facebook-page-to-celebrate-it/
http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/02/03/scott-gomez-goes-almost-a-year-without-a-goal-of-course-canadiens-fans-create-a-facebook-page-to-celebrate-it/#commentsSat, 04 Feb 2012 00:59:54 +0000http://blogs.theprovince.com/?p=57955Montreal Canadiens forward, Scott Gomez is coming up on the one year anniversary of the last time he scored a goal. If you’re into simple math like I am then let me break it down for you. That’s a 7.3 …]]>Montreal Canadiens forward, Scott Gomez is coming up on the one year anniversary of the last time he scored a goal. If you’re into simple math like I am then let me break it down for you. That’s a 7.3 million dollar a year cap hit for exactly 0 goals.

Of course, Montreal Canadiens fans are taking it all in stride. I mean, it’ s not like they’re going to create a facebook page to “celebrate it.” This just in, Montreal Canadiens fans have created a Facebook page to celebrate Scott Gomez’s one year anniversary of going without a goal.

No word yet if there’s a Farmville application with tiny police cars flipped over and lit on fire.

Knowing Gomez and his lack of production to date, you probably shouldn’t take him up on his offer to play pin the tail on the donkey. Well, at least he knows how to speak french. Oh…..

Follow me on Twiter @steveintheKT or email me at sbshalagan@gmail.com . Just so you know, my number is unlisted. Yeah, I’m that guy.

]]>http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/02/03/scott-gomez-goes-almost-a-year-without-a-goal-of-course-canadiens-fans-create-a-facebook-page-to-celebrate-it/feed/0scott-gomezsteveinthektMarc Spector Writes Column. Wants to Trade Schneider. Thinks Puppies Are Cute. Ice? Possibly Cold.http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/02/03/marc-spector-writes-column-wants-to-trade-schneider-thinks-puppies-are-cute-ice-possibly-cold/
http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/02/03/marc-spector-writes-column-wants-to-trade-schneider-thinks-puppies-are-cute-ice-possibly-cold/#commentsFri, 03 Feb 2012 21:49:54 +0000http://blogs.theprovince.com/?p=57851I have kids so my social activities have been substantially narrowed. And when I say “substantially narrowed”, I mean ripped from me in a way that makes the “pen scene” in, Casino look like a movie about a boy …]]>I have kids so my social activities have been substantially narrowed. And when I say “substantially narrowed”, I mean ripped from me in a way that makes the “pen scene” in, Casino look like a movie about a boy coming of age in a small Midwestern town in the 1940’s; just with less conversational raping about peanut allergies and newsletters about hand stitched Christmas stockings.

Look, I don’t begrudge being a parent for one minute. It’s a great gig: hugs, endless supplies of fruit snacks, the parking is fantastic; but if you think I’m going to stand still while my single friends engage in wanton sex acts in public or watch TV shows that don’t have some kind of preachy cartoon animal being a real dick on them, then you’re sadly mistaken.

I’m not going to lie to you. I’m not that altruistic. That part of my brain reserved for bizarre, erotic fantasies involving anime cat people and Finnish moonshine. The fantasies, so lovingly nurtured, and so disturbingly detailed, that were taken from me like the baby from, Beastmaster.They’re gone. Gone forever. And I’m looking in your direction, single couples with no kids. I harbor no sentiment for you whatsoever.

No, instead I want them to suffer. I want them to know what it’s like to deal with lice checks, yellow conduct cards and having to use the image of Tilda Swinton starting a dirt bike just to prolong the weekly “contact” you have with that woman who lives in your house, and has a large collection of LuLu Lemon pants and scrunchies for all occasions.

What’s my point? My point is this, Sherman. When you say, “I have a complete understanding of how the rhythm method works, you should definitely mean it.”

Really? This is the kind of news that makes it into the mainstream media nowadays? It’s not like this topic hasn’t been beaten to death, resuscitated (possibly through some kind of magic stone or occultist chant) and then beaten to death again. I mean, my Dad has been talking about it, and he still calls it, “The World Wide Web.”

I guess this means, Marc Spector’s next hard hitting expose, “Puppies, Sure They’re Cute, But Are they Supercute?” is to be published later this week.

Look, maybe it’s the 24 / 7 voyeuristic relationship that we have with the Canucks here in Vancouver, but nothing bother me more than when an outsider weighs in on family business. We’ve all seen, Children of the Corn or when they cart out the éclairs during, Keeping Up with the Kardashians. We know it’s not going to end well.

The thing of it is though; Spector’s got some points that are hard to argue against:

“The Canucks will be an annual Cup contender for a few years yet, but will they ever be more ready to win the Stanley Cup than they are today? They are experienced, their leaders are in their prime, and as we saw with Christian Ehroff, pieces of this lineup are more likely to break off as time passes.”

“So why short yourself by having your most valuable trade asset sitting on the bench wearing a ball cap this spring, rather than patrolling Ryan Kesler’s wing, at 6-foot-3 and 220 pounds?”

“We’re not saying “Trade Schneider at all costs.” We are saying, shop him hard, and if you can get what the Canucks so dearly need — a second line winger with size, experience, grit and skill — then make the trade.”

Depending on how you saw last year’s final you could say that the Canucks lost the Stanley Cup because of Roberto Luongo’s meltdown in net. But I would like to think that although Luongo wasn’t stellar by any means, the fact that the team in front of him, the one with the number one power play and the number one offense all of a sudden going dark had just as much to do with it.

I am by no means a Luongo apologist or sympathizer, but he’s still an upper echelon goalie who is good enough to carry the Canucks to the Stanley Cup.

And if this season is any indication as to what the Canucks seem to be lacking, it’s a top 6 forward willing to run through a few bodies on his way to the net, or defensemen that aren’t prone to nightly fits of terror in their own zone; or both. The problem is, what’s the market like for Schneider?

Yes, Schneider is (according to Spector) “the best backup goalie in the NHL” but how many teams would be willing to give up a top six, possibly top 3 forward to test out a goalie who really doesn’t have a large sample size to draw from? You don’t give a new driver a Ferrari and you sure as hell don’t put a goalie with a small amount of experience in front of a defensively challenged team. Remember the toll house scene in, The Godfather? Exactly.

Neck Schmeck! I'm Available!

Or, better yet, obtaining a top 6 forward who can score might take the pressure off of Jannik Hansen, who has decided to be less Honey Badger and more Honey Bear lately. I’m not a fan at all of the Mason Raymond / Jannik Hansen third line experiment. It almost seems that with Raymond on Hansen’s line, Hansen is forced to play more of a finesse game. Just me? Well I don’t like it. I’m also not a fan of punk kids and their fancy meats on artisanal rolls.

Spector also taps former Dallas Stars GM and Stanley Cup winner, Craig Button and the philosophy of, “… being bold.”

“You’ll only know if you investigate, and we have no doubt Gillis is doing just that. But as former Dallas personnel man Craig Button said Wednesday, “The Vancouver Canucks have to be bold. They have to be real bold here.”

“When Button was in Dallas, the Stars dealt a junior-aged Jarome Iginla for Calgary Flames captain Joe Nieuwendyk. “Detroit had (centres) Steve Yzerman and Sergei Fedorov, and Colorado had Joe Sakic and Peter Forsberg,” Button said. The Stars brass knew they required a second centre to go along with Mike Modano, and Nieuwendyk would go on to win the Conn Smythe when the Stars won their lone Stanley Cup in 1999.

It is, of course, one more Stanley Cup than the Canucks have won.

OK, sure. I get it. Big risk equals big reward, “…even the cover looked like, Catcher in the Rye” and all that nonsense. But let’s be honest, the NHL is full of cautionary tales of big deals made at the deadline that didn’t payoff.

However, I do think there’s some validity here. The Canucks are arguably the same or perhaps slightly worse than they were last year in terms of their performance. And with some minor pieces being moved at the lower levels, it’s the same team; the same team that didn’t win the Cup last year.

Cory Schneider is by far the Canucks most covetable asset. He’s that one girl at camp who doesn’t look like she’s constantly in the throes of a severe reaction to bee stings.

So, why not take a shot? Aim big! Move him. What’s the worst that could happen? Not winning the Cup again? Being stuck with a number one goalie who is still a very good number one goalie? Do something; don’t just reinforce the status quo.

If you believe the media experts out there, there’s a gaggle of top tier talent available. Top tier talent that could finally stop the offensive photo shopped images of me doing “things:” to win the Cup. In closing, I hated having family in Edmonton during the 80’s.

]]>http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/02/03/marc-spector-writes-column-wants-to-trade-schneider-thinks-puppies-are-cute-ice-possibly-cold/feed/00201schneidersteveinthekt2345345Canucks and (Insert NHL Team Here) Renew Their (Insert Incendiary Adjective Here) Rivalry.http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/01/31/canucks-and-insert-nhl-team-here-renew-their-insert-incendiary-adjective-here-rivalry/
http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/01/31/canucks-and-insert-nhl-team-here-renew-their-insert-incendiary-adjective-here-rivalry/#commentsTue, 31 Jan 2012 22:48:16 +0000http://blogs.theprovince.com/?p=57234The Warriors, a street gang from Brooklyn have been framed for killing, Cyrus, leader of the Grammercy Riffs and organizer of a peaceful gang summit. The Riffs have put out a hit on the Warriors, who must make it back …]]>The Warriors, a street gang from Brooklyn have been framed for killing, Cyrus, leader of the Grammercy Riffs and organizer of a peaceful gang summit. The Riffs have put out a hit on the Warriors, who must make it back to their home on Coney Island. Along the way they must figure out who framed them for killing Cyrus, as well as battle the various street gangs who want to collect the bounty on their heads.

Swan: “Uh, I don’t think so. I mean, I know we’ve rumbled but I always thought..Hold on. Cochise, Vermin, Rembrandt, get out here…

Three more of the Warriors cautiously walkout from their perch.

Swan: “Hey, quick question, who’s our greatest rival?”

In unison the three Warriors answer…

Cochise: “The AC Turnbulls”

Vermin: “The Orphans.”

Rembrandt: “The Outsiders, I mean the Orphans”

Luther: NO!! It’s the Rogues! Don’t you read the police reports? Check on the streets, man! Even that weird DJ with the lips says it’s the Rogues and Warriors. I’m positive! – Luther begins to clink the bottles again – Waaariors come out and pl….”

Swan: “Stop. Just stop. You’re embarrassing yourself.

As if from nowhere, the Grammercy Riffs appear and now stand, in legion, around the Warriors and Rogues. Their de facto leader speaks…

Riffs Leader: “Stand down Warriors, we’re here for the Rogues…”

Luther: “Yeah, the Riffs are our greatest rivals.”

Tonight, the Canucks are taking on their arch rivals, (The Sharks? No!), and it’s going to be a (The Wild? No!) battle, you know, what with it being game 50 and all. (The Bruins? NO!) Game 50 against our most hated rivals. You know, that team (The Avalanche? No!) from that city where they do that thing we all hate.

At this point, it’s probably easier to just single out the teams in the NHL that aren’t the Canucks most despised rivals. Look, I’m all for a good old fashioned rivalry. I mean, where would Batman be without the Joker or a 15 year old me without bras that fasten from the back?

I’ve always believed it’s not the quality of your friends that make you a better man; it’s the quality of your enemies that will eventually define you. Would Batman even be remotely as cool if his greatest foe was, Tina, the dental hygienist with mismatched labia? Wouldn’t Sherlock Holmes be just another detective if he spent his time having to unravel the sinister machinations of Dave Peterson, Teacher’s Assistant down at the Junior College?

The thing is, if every team that disembarks off the plane becomes the Canucks most hated rival, then what does that say about the games against the teams that really should be our rivals? For me, it waters them down, it ghettoizes them. Can you honestly say that you’re as excited for a Blackhawks/ Canucks match up as you would be for a Bruins/Canucks match up? Nope.

It seems like even the Canucks and Hawks have taken a step back and reevaluated their tempestuous relationship:

As a matter of fact, it’s such a “statement game” against such a loathed rival, that both coaches have decided to start their back up goalies.

Of course, what do I know? I don’t expect the Canucks and Blackhawks to meet at centre ice tonight and reenact that episode of Star Trek where that dude was painted like a black and white cookie. Oh, sure it was about an alien planet, but we all knew it was about us.

But I’m also not expecting the Canucks and Blackhawks to take to the ice with pillowcases full of sodas and tear drops under their eyes either.

2. Duncan Keith writes a scathing “Yelp” review of a local Vancouver restaurant for really “mailing in” their performance when he told them it was his birthday.

3. Victor Stalberg incites a riot on his own bench for bringng up the time he shared a urinal with the lesshairy Gibb brother.

4. The Canucks are sending a tape to the league of the Blackhawks attacking a group of Vancouver fans. Well, once Mason Raymond can scrape “Game of Thrones” off the DVD cover.

5. Marian Hossa slashes Robert Luongo across the mask for his parody Twitter account, @MarianNaHOSSApeemapetilon. Every hour it sends out a quote from the Simpson’s Kwik-E-Mart owner wearing a flowing blonde wig.

6. Vince Vaughan and Kevin James star in a remake of, Prick Up Your Ears. You know what? We’ll just call that a draw.

]]>http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/01/31/canucks-and-insert-nhl-team-here-renew-their-insert-incendiary-adjective-here-rivalry/feed/0imageseeeeesteveinthektimagesCA90DA82Canucks Trade Rumor Machine Heating Up – Indianapolis Colts in Play? No, For Real.http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/01/27/canucks-trade-rumor-machine-heating-up-indianapolis-colts-in-play-no-for-real/
http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/01/27/canucks-trade-rumor-machine-heating-up-indianapolis-colts-in-play-no-for-real/#commentsFri, 27 Jan 2012 23:03:53 +0000http://blogs.theprovince.com/?p=56658So, here we are. It’s the unofficial middle point of another NHL season, and except for the All Star Game taking place this Sunday, there’s not a whole lot going on in the ol’ hockey world. As a matter of …]]>So, here we are. It’s the unofficial middle point of another NHL season, and except for the All Star Game taking place this Sunday, there’s not a whole lot going on in the ol’ hockey world. As a matter of fact, there’s really not a whole lot of anything going on anywhere. So, of course now is as good of a time as any to roll out the old internet rumor machine. I mean what can go wrong? It’s done wonders for Kim Kardashian’s vagina career.

I’m not usually a guy who takes a lot of stock in rumors. I like to see the proof more than the pudding. To be honest, sometimes I find it hard to suspend my disbelief enough to let an idea, no matter how fantastical really take root in my mind.

For example, there’s no possible way that when it’s all said and done, and we, as a planet eventually have to take to the stars to escape our oppressors. Sentient computers, Juliette Lewis’ that shoot lasers, I don’t know, something like that. Anyways, there’s no way that when we have to take to the stars that it’s going to be the English that eventually become the most powerful force in the universe.

I’ve sat through, Star Wars about 8 times, and every time I’m more than willing to buy into Wookies, droids, and Carrie Fisher as a sex symbol, but I draw the line at the English being able to take over the galaxy. I can think of about a dozen reasons as to why there’s no possible way, but I’ll stick with my top three: cuisine, accent and teeth.

The only thing I’m willing to bend on is Darth Vader. He’s totally English, right? Come on, what’s more passive aggressive than the force choke? He might as well have just rolled his eyes at Admiral Motti or cut him out of the will for marrying beneath him.

Anyways, let’s roll that giant snowball down the hill and get things going. The Canucks need to make a trade, and I’ve got the inside scoop on who they’re saving all their Pogs for.

Nope, I’m not talking Corey Perry or Travis Moen. Why cast your nets so shallow, Canucks fans? Why such narrow thinking? I mean, the true visionaries, the thinkers, never succeeded by thinking inside the box. How do you think we got the cure for polio or those magic erase sponges? Seriously, what are those things made of? My guess? Unicorn hair and the blood of the innocent.

Nope, not here, Sherman. I say we go after the most dangerous game of all; the ultimate team leader, Peyton Manning.

It makes perfect sense. The Canucks are looking to make a splash at the trade deadline, and the Colts are looking to offload Manning’s prohibitive salary so they can begin to rebuild their team. Sure, they’re different sports but just think of it as one of those weird anomalies that occurs in nature from time to time. Like the liger or biracial restaurant hostesses.

The best thing about a deal like this is that it costs the Canucks absolutely nothing in return, leaving them wide open to pursue actual hockey players elsewhere. Is it crazy? Sure. Is it plausible? No. Have I been eating out of lead based pots? Definitely, but hear me out.

What is it that all the media scribes have been saying about the Canucks since last year? Sure, the Canucks are skilled, but are they tough enough to stand up to the Bruins, the Flyers or one of those creepy Moms from, Toddlers and Tiaras? No. Well, let me ask you this, Sherman? Who is mentally tougher than Peyton Manning? He’s practically oozing with mental toughness; which is the complete opposite of Steven Tyler, who just appears to be oozing.

Sure, Manning may or may not be able to skate and the fact that his giant dolphin-like forehead will probably eat up a lot of the Canucks equipment budget for those specially designed helmets, but did that stop Luc Robitaille? No. Let’s face the facts. Peyton Manning is available, he’s a leader, and most importantly, he’s available.

How would he fit in with the Canucks? Well, it’s not as big of a stretch as you’d think. Check out how Manning would assert his leadership and unleash his mental toughness on the Canucks…

Manning sits through the league mandated presentation about head shots before standing up and shouting. “Yeah, I think I know a little something about concussions. You’ve seen me throw to Austin Collie, right?”

After Manning’s first game, he learns a hard lesson in team diplomacy for blaming the Canucks letdown in the third period on Mason Raymond, the “idiot high sticker.”

Manning tries to reignite the Sedins and help them out of their current slump by holding a contest. Whatever twin accumulates the most points from now until the playoffs gets a $250 gift card to Starbucks’. The loser has to change his name to Cooper.

Manning’s dogmatic approach to being prepared for every game really begins to rub off on the other players. Roberto Luongo begins showing up 20, sometimes even 30 minutes before every game.

Manning creates a series of audibles to be called out during the game in order to help the team adjust to different defensive formations they might face. Unfortunately, this idea hits a snag when the audibles are called out by Alex Burrows.

As with any kind of change, there will be growing pains. A divisive split occurs in the dressing room between those players choosing “Manning Face” over “Kesler Face.”

What's wrong with pleated khakis? I mean, they're comfortable and functional. Yeah, you know it P-Money.

Since Manning has joined the team Alain Vigneault’s “ships in bottles” collection has grown by leaps and bounds.

Although happy with the direction that Manning seems to be taking the team, some of the European players are not cool with the constant questions about how far they can kick.

Mike Gillis takes a page out of Manning’s playbook and all future player signings will be announced through Michael Cera’s Twitter account. Usually with more non threatening angst and a great alternative band providing the background music.

Follow me on Twitter @steveintheKT or email me with pics, comments, tips, reasons why I should follow you on Twitter and mixed tapes (A side only) to sbshalagan@gmail.com

“Good morning and thank you for calling DIRECTV. My name is Jayna, Operator #14578, how may I help you today? Oh, of course Mr. Ovechkin, let me just bring up your account. It says you were scheduled to have your …

]]>

“Good morning and thank you for calling DIRECTV. My name is Jayna, Operator #14578, how may I help you today? Oh, of course Mr. Ovechkin, let me just bring up your account. It says you were scheduled to have your cable installed between 8 am and 5 pm but you’re going to be out of town and – Oh, you’ll be available this week after all? Well, great! We’ll have someone right out. Is there anything else I can help you with? No sir, I’m not really sure we can even bedazzle a remote.”

Well, it appears that Washington Capitals star left winger, Alex Ovechkin is going to have some extra time on his hands to find just the right spot for his antique thimble collection and Scarface posters, considering that the NHL has suspended him for three games.

Ovechkin has received his longest suspension thus far for an illegal hit on Pittsburgh Penguins defenseman, Zbynek Michalek. A hit that the NHL ruled, “recklessly” made contact with Michalek’s head.

Brendan Shanahan, the NHL’s vice president of player safety and possible Michael Landon cosplay enthusiast announced the suspension in a video that was posted on the NHL’s website on Monday.

Honestly though; how awesome would it be if Shanahan showed up at the player’s house, “Publisher’s Clearinghouse” style with a giant novelty suspension letter and confetti cannons?

On the video Shanahan states:

“He [Ovechkin] launches himself to deliver the hit on Michalek. This is a violation of the charging rule,” Shanahan said. “Although Michalek’s shoulder might be the initial point of contact for this hit, the act of launching causes contact to Michalek’s head.”

Although Ovechkin has been suspended, he is still able to participate in the NHL All-Star Game this Sunday in Ottawa.

However, the NHL should probably expect Ovechkin to beg off not attending the game or festivities because he’ll probably be at his new house alphabetizing his cars.

Earlier this month, Ovechkin bought a house worth $4.2 million dollars in McLean Virgina. The house features 5 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms and over 11,000 square feet of space. And yet, Mike Green is still not allowed to stay over; something about missing Ed Hardy cologne and hair product on the couch.

Alex moves in sometime this week, but he’s had trouble selling his current digs. I’m no realtor, but letting Alex Semin write the description for the Homebuyers Guide was probably not the best idea:

House For Sale: Old, smells like borscht and untapped potential. Large kitchen, faux marble countertops, linoleum or tile on floor, seems to be 2, maybe 6 bedrooms, cat peed on carpet in one of them. Cat is nickname for dental hygienist met on internet. Lots of natural light and roomy garage, possibly a fridge; close to schools or strip bars or something. Whatever, I don’t care. It’s your money.

Lucky for you, I’ve got some pictures of Ovechkin’s new place:

This is the library. It’s where Alex plans on spending rainy weekends with a cup of Chamomile tea, caught up in the fantastical world that only the written word can provide. Nah, I’m yanking your chain, this is where the Disco will go.

]]>http://blogs.theprovince.com/2012/01/24/alex-ovehckin-buys-new-house-takes-out-3-game-suspension-at-area-pottery-barn-stupid-pewter-napkin-rings/feed/0steveinthektothe-librarythe-spiral-staircasethe-master-bathroomthe-kitchenthe-recreation-roomThe Legion of Blog: Meet The Province’s new hockey bloggershttp://blogs.theprovince.com/2011/11/28/the-legion-of-blog-meet-the-provinces-new-hockey-bloggers/
http://blogs.theprovince.com/2011/11/28/the-legion-of-blog-meet-the-provinces-new-hockey-bloggers/#commentsMon, 28 Nov 2011 23:28:57 +0000http://blogs.theprovince.com/?p=45294One month ago, the Kurtenblog boys came to us and told us they were moving on in the blogosphere.

Now, we have four new hockey bloggers. We call them The Legion of Blog.

Now, we have four new hockey bloggers. We call them The Legion of Blog.

They are:

Wyatt Arndt: Known as The Stanchion on Twitter (@TheStanchion), Arndt has a day job in Vancouver that has something to do with computers. We’re sworn to secrecy on this, but understand his work might be critical to the lives and careers of thousands. He’s also a keen writer, an “expert” in Photoshop and, apparently, one of the world’s foremost experts in drawing stick figures.

Jordan Bowman: When Bowman couldn’t sleep, he came up with a great blog idea, which is how jbowmancantsleep.blogspot.com was born. That’s one original name. Apparently, no one who knows the Surrey boy well calls him Jordan, which is actually quite a pretty name for, say, a boy band member or O.C. girl who grew up in the 1990’s. That’s why people call him “J.” On Twitter: @jbowmancouver.

Cam Charron: One of three members of the excellent Canucks Army who excelled during Replace the KB, Charron is a hockey nut who looks at things a bit differently. A recent journalism grad from Kamloops’ Thompson Rivers University, the Vancouverite’s focus is statistics and analysis. Some of the advanced statistics Charron muses about confuse us, but we’re not that smart. (Hey, we work for a tabloid!) What we do understand is his new weekly baby, “Don Cherry Confused Me.” That we get. On Twitter: @camcharron.

Stephen Shalagan: An SFU grad and Vancouverite who has somehow landed in Houston (Texas, not B.C.), Shalagan writes for a living and his Kneel Before Rod blog (“nonsense,” Shalagan has called it) won some sort of obscure Texas blogging award last year. The one-time writer of the blog for Jim Rome producer Travis Rodgers (ah, that explains things), Shalagan has a seven-year-old daughter “who is equal parts Faerie princess and Eastern European dictator.” On Twitter: @steveinthekt.

Their work will be appearing in this space shortly. Watch for it. Enjoy.

]]>http://blogs.theprovince.com/2011/11/28/the-legion-of-blog-meet-the-provinces-new-hockey-bloggers/feed/0LegionBlog620adminMeet The Province’s new hockey bloggershttp://blogs.theprovince.com/2011/11/24/meet-the-provinces-new-hockey-bloggers/
http://blogs.theprovince.com/2011/11/24/meet-the-provinces-new-hockey-bloggers/#commentsFri, 25 Nov 2011 00:38:53 +0000http://blogs.theprovince.com/?p=44818One month ago, the Kurtenblog boys came to us and told us they were moving on in the blogosphere.

Today, we have four new hockey bloggers.

After a 23-day Replace the KB competition — in which 15 established bloggers …

After a 23-day Replace the KB competition — in which 15 established bloggers dropped 234 posts (virtually none of them regarding a goaltending controversy in Vancouver!) — we narrowed it down to four.

They are:

Wyatt Arndt: Known as The Stanchion on Twitter (@TheStanchion), Arndt has a day job in Vancouver that has something to do with computers. We’re sworn to secrecy on this, but understand his work might be critical to the lives and careers of thousands. He’s also a keen writer, an “expert” in Photoshop and, apparently, one of the world’s foremost experts in drawing stick figures.

Jordan Bowman: When Bowman couldn’t sleep, he came up with a great blog idea, which is how jbowmancantsleep.blogspot.com was born. That’s one original name. Apparently, no one who knows the Surrey boy well calls him Jordan, which is actually quite a pretty name for, say, a boy band member or O.C. girl who grew up in the 1990’s. That’s why people call him “J.” On Twitter: @jbowmancouver.

Cam Charron: One of three members of the excellent Canucks Army who excelled during Replace the KB, Charron is a hockey nut who looks at things a bit differently. A recent journalism grad from Kamloops’ Thompson Rivers University, the Vancouverite’s focus is statistics and analysis. Some of the advanced statistics Charron muses about confuse us, but we’re not that smart. (Hey, we work for a tabloid!) What we do understand is his new weekly baby, “Don Cherry Confused Me.” That we get. On Twitter: @camcharron.

Stephen Shalagan: An SFU grad and Vancouverite who has somehow landed in Houston (Texas, not B.C.), Shalagan writes for a living and his Kneel Before Rod blog (“nonsense,” Shalagan has called it) won some sort of obscure Texas blogging award last year. The one-time writer of the blog for Jim Rome producer Travis Rodgers (ah, that explains things), Shalagan has a seven-year-old daughter “who is equal parts Faerie princess and Eastern European dictator.” On Twitter: @steveinthekt.

]]>http://blogs.theprovince.com/2011/11/24/meet-the-provinces-new-hockey-bloggers/feed/3sedinsjonnymac68Shalagan: The celebrity name for Kardashian & Canuck breaks 13 obscenity lawshttp://blogs.theprovince.com/2011/11/02/shalagan-the-celebrity-name-for-kardashian-canuck-breaks-13-obscenity-laws/
http://blogs.theprovince.com/2011/11/02/shalagan-the-celebrity-name-for-kardashian-canuck-breaks-13-obscenity-laws/#commentsWed, 02 Nov 2011 21:28:24 +0000http://blogs.theprovince.com/?p=39889Steve Shalagan is one of 15 bloggers taking part in Replace the KB, our hockey blogging competition which runs through Nov. 20. Check out his latest post, and return here to give the post a thumbs-up or thumbs-down:

]]>Steve Shalagan is one of 15 bloggers taking part in Replace the KB, our hockey blogging competition which runs through Nov. 20. Check out his latest post, and return here to give the post a thumbs-up or thumbs-down:

“I’m just a girl, writing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.” Born and raised in Vancouver, SFU alum. Wookies – overrated. Moks – underrated. Follow me @steveintheKT on Twitter. It’s the written equivalent of what would happen if Batman let himself go. In closing, something about your Mom’s basement.

]]>Steve Shalagan is one of 15 bloggers taking part in Replace the KB, our hockey blogging competition which runs through Nov. 20. Check out his latest post, and return here to give the post a thumbs-up or thumbs-down:

“I’m just a girl, writing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.” Born and raised in Vancouver, SFU alum. Wookies – overrated. Moks – underrated. Follow me @steveintheKT on Twitter. It’s the written equivalent of what would happen if Batman let himself go. In closing, something about your Mom’s basement.