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Monday, 30 May 2011

1) Hayfever be kicking my dick in for the next six months2) I will edge another year closer to death3) I will have to hear about music festivals on a daily fucking basis

Reading and Leeds, Glastonbury, Sonosphere, The Big Weekend, Hevy Fest, Fest, Fluff Fest, Trash Fest, Groezrock, Download, Party in the Park, Tea in the Park... The list is fucking endless and I honestly cannot think of a worse thing to do with your time than go to these things. I detest them and here's why;

The Squalor. Something a lot of people don't seem to grasp is that just because you are at a festival, you don't have to live like an animal. It is not an excuse for you and your prick friends to act like the Lost Boys from Peter Pan. Just because you're out of your parents spare room for the weekend it doesn't mean you should shit in the woods, or smear your feces over the portercabin walls. It's doesn't mean you should piss in bottles or throw lit fire lights into a group of tents. It's not OK to set fire to your tent at the end of the weekend. It's not OK to have really loud sex in your tent at 4am when people are trying to sleep. Engaging in these activities is not 'getting in the festival spirit' it is being a fucking scum bag and you need to grow the fuck up.

The bands. OK so, for example, we'll pick Leeds fest. There are only about ten bands in the world that could legitimately headline that trainwreck. Whoever plays last will be playing to tens of thousands of people. So that being said, it's just the same fucking bands every few years. THAT'S NOT WORTH £150 A TICKET! YOU'VE ALREADY SEEN FOO FIGHTERS AND METALLICA AND GUNS AND ROSES! And even if they aren't playing that festival this year they will be playing another this year or next. I realise people don't go to these things just to see the headliners, but that raises the other issue; If you are going to them to see someone like Best Coast or Surfer Blood or whatever, just go to see them at your local venue on tour. It will be a ten times cheaper and a thousand times more enjoyable, prick.

The hype. Possibly the thing I hate most about these abominations is having to hear about them over and over and over and over. Whether it's Fearne Cotton creaming over some hip new indie band on Radio One or the continual TV adverts for T4 on the beach the whole thing makes me want to drown myself. "HEY! HEY LOOK! BANDS! LOADS OF BANDS!! LOOOOOK!!! BANDS IN A FIELD!!" Fucking do one. The undoubted winner of the festival hype machine however, is Fest. For anyone not in the know, Fest is a weekender in the US where a bunch of dudes with beards get together in October. Now, bearing in mind this thing is in OCTOBER, when do you think a good time to start talking about it would be? January, obviously. Honestly, I could tell you exactly which of my Facebook friends are going, which bands they are planning on seeing, what they've had to sell to be able to afford to go, where they're staying, who they're staying with, how stoked they are, what fest tattoo they plan to get, what hot dogs they are going to eat etc etc etc... OH MY FUCKING GOD. For the sake of my sanity I've just had to block/delete anyone that talks about it. IT'S FUCKING MONTHS AWAY.

Wristbands. Festival wristbands, the lowest of the low... Holy fucking Christ I detest the fucking cretins who refuse to cut their fucking wristbands off and wear them throughout the year as a trophy to how incredibly lame they are. First of all, we all know you went to a festival because you won't shut up about it. We don't need a reminder. Secondly, YOU HAVE A FILTHY, MUDDY, SMELLY PIECE OF CLOTH WRAPPED ABOUT YOUR WRIST. CUT IT OFF YOU DISGUSTING FUCKING HIPPY WANKER. I saw someone this week who must of had three or four of the fucking things on their wrist. GREAT. Why not just get a marker pen and write 'CUNT' in block letters on your forehead, it would be cheaper and you wouldn't have to watch Muse. Just saying.