This Is How I Learned To Live Without You

It was hard. It took me quite some time to do this but I finally decided to let you go. You might be thinking that it’s not done yet and that I’ll be back, that the voices in my head will convince me to give it one more shot, but you’re wrong. This is it. I’m done with you.

Let me remind you that you were never there for me when I needed you. And I did need you. A lot. But somehow everything was more important than I was. Was it that hard to help me when I asked you to? You remember that time when my family member died? All you could do was send me a text message telling me that you’d get home late. Or maybe that time you didn’t come to take me to the hospital when I was sick?

Your excuse was always that I was too needy and that I needed to slow down.

Finally, I can say that it wasn’t my fault.

When I look back, I see a desperate little girl obsessed with the idea of love, not even seeing what was going on around her. That little girl was nothing but confused, thinking that love should hurt. That’s the way it all works, right?

You were always yelling and screaming at me, telling me that I didn’t deserve you anyway, that you were much better than I could ever be. You were right. You were much better than me, better at a game that I didn’t want to participate in. That game of running, hiding and avoiding feelings that I didn’t want to play.

I’m just so sorry for the next amazing girl you will break. Maybe she will be a bit smarter than I was and she will see right through your lies and manipulation.

To tell you the truth, I found out the password on your phone, and I scrolled through your messages. I know it wasn’t something I should’ve done but you never usually left it anywhere out of your sight and all the times I saw you smiling flirtatiously at it, those actions made me paranoid. For a reason, too, as I would learn later on.

Messages and pictures of naked women. It wasn’t like I didn’t expect it but it did shock me for a moment. The next thing I knew, my heart was being crushed into tiny, little pieces. Nothing of me was left. I cried for days and nights, but you didn’t call me. You never called me. You never texted me unless I texted you first. So I simply didn’t bother anymore.

Our favorite coffee shop at the end of the street meant nothing to me anymore, but I went there by myself one more time to say goodbye to the place where we met. Unfortunately, you were there with your new girlfriend (or whatever she was to you) and you came up to me, probably to make her jealous, asking me where I had been the past few days.

No. No, I wasn’t going to cry. I won’t cry ever again because of you. As devastated as I may be, I won’t cry!

I cried. In front of you. A lot.

You thought that I was being weird so all I did was leave the cafe, leaving you alone. Forever.

You see, I went through phases where I didn’t want to get out of my bed. I didn’t want to eat anything except chocolate and I didn’t care what was going to happen to me.

People usually go through this when they get disappointed in someone they love. I didn’t expect it to come from you.

So, goodbye, forever.

I picked myself up with the help of my friends and with the realization that it wasn’t worth crying over and it wasn’t worth all those sad days that I spent in my room.

Nowadays, when I see you, my heart still skips a beat. It simply isn’t getting over you. But I’ve learned to live with it. Because I’m a strong woman. I don’t need you to make me feel safe and sound! All I need in my life is myself. It took me a long time to realize that.

I hear my friends, the most important people in my life right now, telling me how they see you on the street and sometimes they say Hi to you. But that doesn’t mean anything to me.

I have new hobbies! I even adopted a little puppy. He is the warmth I need. Can’t you see? I’m doing amazing without you! With all these projects and things going on around me, I’m doing well.