How To Eat Cat Food In Retirement (In 8 Easy Steps)

Ed: First of all, it should be noted this title is only half sarcastic. Have you seen some of the stuff rich people feed their pets? We should be so lucky.

Regular readers of this blog already know the truth: investing isn’t particularly difficult or complicated. Why, then, do so many intelligent and seemingly rational individuals regularly make such idiotic mistakes with their money (I’m looking at you, doctors and lawyers!)? Why do we read headlines like “Paycheck to Paycheck on $300k per Year?” on a semi-regular basis? Other than the obvious answer that it’s just really, really awesome to make fun of rich people, I believe its a combination of over-confidence and the fact that skills necessary to climb the corporate ladder just don’t translate well to money management. In most aspects of life, style over substance works out okay. Not so with investing!

Want to be one of those people who blows through her lottery winnings in 3 years or the NBA superstar who declares bankruptcy before the age of 40? Well pull up a chair! I’ve got a few tips for you.

How To Eat Cat Food In Retirement (In 8 Easy Steps)

1.) Blindly trust somebody else with your money

Got money? Who better to manage it than your cousin’s best friend’s sister who went through a weekend course in financial planning down at the local community college?!? You’ll be cruising down easy street in your new yacht in no time with all those huge financial gains that are sure to come your way as a result of giving somebody else responsibility for your money. You have better things to do than rebalancing your portfolio once a year and monitoring your financial progress, after all. Like bocce. Bocce is fun. What could possibly go wrong? It’s not like there are greedy people out there looking to line their own pockets at your expense or anything.

2.) Invest in a business you know nothing about

Have you ever worked in a restaurant before? Managed a clothing boutique? No? What better way to learn the business than invest vast sums of your own money to start your own?!? Nine out of 10 restaurants go on to make their owners quadrillionaires, so there’s very little risk involved. Who do you know who lost money starting their own business? Okay, besides Jim, who do you know? Okay, but Karla doesn’t really count, though. Who ELSE do you know? Didn’t think so.

3.) Buy the best-performing funds

Everybody knows past performance is the best and only predictor of future results. All you have to do, then, is buy the funds with the best returns last year and you should be able to afford that island in French Polynesia by 35. 40, max.

4.) Ignore costs, because it’s returns that matter

This one is a no-brainer after the point above. Why would you care what your investments cost so long as they are the highest-performing investments? Costs aren’t good predictors of future performance, after all. Past returns are. Everybody on Wall Street who wants your money knows and will tell you that.

5.) Watch CNBC religiously

Nobody knows what’s going to happen in the markets better than a guy in a suit wearing makeup who doesn’t even actually trade stocks for a living. It’s very important that you only take financial advice from guys wearing makeup on TV, because they know best. Sorry Morgan Stanley.

6.) Always drive a nicer car than Bob

Did Bob just bring home a new Porsche? Better man up and get a Ferrari, even if you can’t quite afford it. Your portfolio knows what car you drive and will punish you by going down if it’s not nicer than Bob’s. Seriously.

7.) Borrow money to buy your Ferrari

That’ll show Bob! He’s such a pissant. (Why don’t more people use the word “pissant?” It’s such a cool word.)

8.) Develop an insanely expensive habit and pretend it makes you sophisticated

Sure, you could go the traditional route and collect original Matisse paintings, but I urge you to be creative here. Did a random drunk hipster once tell you original-pressing vinyl records played on rare 19th century phonographs have better sound quality than CDs? Collect those! Your friends will be amazed how sophisticated you are and your net worth will, almost as if by magic, go up as a result.

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