Monday, March 8, 2010

The Girly Appointment

Tom didn’t understand why I was showering before my appointment.

“So I smell fresh!” I had explained. I was getting ready for my dreaded yearly womanly exam. Not that I stink but before I go to one of those appointments I like to make sure I’m as clean as I can be. Just like in the Army how they try to be all they can be. You know?

After my shower (and I realized in there that I needed to shave my legs—yikes, can’t show my gynecologist hairy legs!) I made sure to put on my nice underwear.

“Don’t you hide your underwear?” Tom asked, confused.

Well. Yes. When I undress I always bury my underwear in a ball under my pants and shirt. But still.

I left soon after that.

When I got the hospital I was called back a few minutes later. The nurse weighed me (“don’t tell me what it is!” I said, squishing my eyes shut) and then took my blood pressure. Then before she left she told me to undress and get into the paper gown that was resting on the exam table.

As soon as she was gone, I changed at lightening speed. It is a fear of mine to have the doctor walk in as I’m bending over. Then she’ll inevitably pass out from the shock of my pale bare ass. I stuck my arms though the papery gown and waited on the exam table. It was then when I realized there was a diagram of a vagina less than three feet from my head. It was shocking at first to turn and realize that AHHH I’m looking at a vagina.

Did you know there is something called a Crus down there? I frowned at all the terms and then for some reason, I thought back to an article I read in one of my girl magazines that talked about the things that gynecologists have found in a vagina. Grapes....chocolate....a stamp. I’m not kidding. The food I get because okay, maybe the girl and her mate got carried away. But a stamp? How in the world would a stamp get down there? And how awkward would that be for the gynecologist to pull it out. Would they joke and be like, “Found the stamp. I guess this means you have a first class crotch.”

HA.

I snorted at this and was giggling when the doctor walked in. She seemed a bit startled to see her patient with a wide grin on her face. She’s probably used to people shaking in their paper gowns.

She asked me some questions such as did I smoke (no), drink (only when the kids have been exceptionally bad), and was I sexually active.

I felt my face warm at that one.

“Yes,” I muttered. I felt like there was a neon sign that spelled out SLUT with an arrow pointed at me above my head.

“Do you want to be tested for any STDs?” the doctor continued.

Huh? Excuse me?

“Well, no, I’m married,” I said. “And my husband knows if he cheated on me that I’d rip off his balls so I won’t be needing a STD test.”

I meant it as a JOKE and expected the doctor to laugh. But she just stared at me with saucer eyes. “Okay,” she said slowly, glancing at my chart. “I guess we can begin.”

I tried to think of other things while the doctor did her thing. Like....how in the world can plaid be back in fashion? And how creepy it is when couples color coordinate. And how we could have something called a crus down there. What would I make for dinner? Chicken? Burgers? Would I ever find an agent to represent me? At this rate, no, as I keep getting those query form rejections. You just aren’t good enough blah blah blah…

“All done,” the doctor chirped.

Oh. Awesome.

I’m all healthy. And I have a new prescription for birth control since Tom refuses to get a vasectomy. I don’t think this is fair. I had the babies, now it is his turn to step up to the plate. But he’s all, “Do you know what they DO to me?” and I’m all, “Yes, thanks to the song they sang on Family Guy I do. But you need to take one for the team,” and he’s all, “No.”

Curtis has always said he'll have a vasectomy when we decide for sure that we're done - but now that we've pretty much decided, he's kind of waffling a bit. I always tell him that I gained 80+ pounds and pooped in front of the entire free world while pushing, so it's the least he can do. :)

Girl my dr as"pictures" (scribbles)taped on the ceiling above the table that I lay on. It's distracting as hell.

I'm always worried that the dr is gonna walk in on me while I'm changing too! That would be so akward lol!

A stamp?? Lmao!! I know a couple who tried to have fun with a coke bottle...it got stuck and they had to call an ambulance to take her to the hospital (she couldn't get in the car lmao)!

I also know a a girl (I used to babysit for them) who's hubby was working offshore (in Louisiana) and had to be flown in from the oil rig because he had a cucumber stuck "in there!" Can you imagine how humilating that must have been? When his company had their xmas party all the guys he worked with made up a dance called the cucumber shuffle! Lmao...he will NEVER live that down!

Two things: 1. I get the "saucer eyed look" all the time, I do not have a filter between my brain and my mouth. 2. About the vasectomy - my husband had one very willingly, however, if he was not willing, I would have just "closed up shop" until he came around. Trust me, men will do anything for the "other" thing.

I'm still working out mental scenarios for how the stamp got in there...

And the nicest one is still "ugh" and has the woman taking care of the office mail (not male) while sitting on a nice high backed leather chair with fancy armrests when one of the stamps falls off the desk on to the chair and she... well.. isn't wearing anything underneath.

Anyhooooooooooo, glad you are hale and hardy and healthy. Thats the biggest thing.

Your posts are the highlight of my Mondays! haha. Isn't it awkward when the doctor tries to make small talk to you while their head is buried between your legs? Almost as bad as the dentist asking you questions while their hands are in your mouth.

I totally agree. If you're done having kids, he should get himself fixed. My hubby didn't want any more kids and so got a vasectomy. He was only down for a couple of days. I'm secretly hoping it didn't completely work and I'll get pregnant with a girl!

My husband had a vasectomy. They can put him out if he wants. My husband was out like a light when they did his. He said its not that bad,he was just really sore for a few days. Plus he got 3 days off from work.

Wow, I can't believe how many posts I'm seeing about how husbands won't get a vasectomy. I guess I figure since I carried a child inside me for 9 months, gave birth and stayed home to raise him....the LEAST my husband could do was go have an outpatient procedure that lasts 15 minutes. I would surely be shutting down that ride if I were married to a man who "refused" a vasectomy. I'd teach him the meaning of the word "refuse".

I shower, put on good undies and then hide them as well. After getting into that gown in record time. As you age, it only gets better because you get to add the smooshie boobie exam! Lol.

♥Spot

PS- tell Tom to stop being such a girl scout. My hubby had a vascectomy three weeks after our third child. He didn't even whine. I mean, it's not like he pushed a ten pound kid backwards out of his crotch, is it?

I just found your blog today and I've spend the last hour reading it. You are hilarious!!!! I'm so glad I found your blog. I hope it's not creepy that i read this, even though I don't know you. haha, thank you so much for making me laugh! and your little kids are adorable!

I saw my gyno in the commissary the other day. That was about awkward. She didn't recognize me as I'm sure she sees half the base, but it was just weird to know that someone else in the commissary had seen my vagina before. Stephen's scheduled for a vasectomy next month. He was supposed to get it in a few days, but we were able to get a last minute trip to Disney in, so he had to postpone it. He can't get it soon enough, that's all I know. Good luck convincing Tom. It took me a while to get Stephen on board.

OMG girl - I had my yearly appt. today as well and am ROFLMAO at this because I think of anything BUT the appt. while on that darn table - the only difference is that I have a male doctor - but I really like him and am comfortable with him so that's a plus, I guess. HA! Still scratching my head on the stamp thing though and thinking how disgusting that thought is.

Here's how I talked my Tom into a vasectomy: I told him I was more than willing to get my tubes tied, but that that was a much more serious procedure and my mom would have to stay with us for a couple weeks to take care of the kids while I recovered. He called to schedule his appointment without another word about it.

Oh lordy, I hate when it's time to have my oil checked(thats what the hubs calls it) anyhow, tell Tom that having the ole "snip snip" is not bad at all....or so that's what Chris said after he was done.

He had his about 7 years ago. It didn't take 5 minutes to do and he walked out on his own(actually, he came back out so fast I thought he had chickened out)And after he told all the guys he worked with how easy it was 4 of them have now gone and had it done too...its like a fashion trend or something????

In high school there was a rumor about a slutty girly that she had to go to the ER to get a slice of canned peach pulled out of her girly bits. I wonder if that was true. Do you think if I found her on FB she'd answer honestly?

Yes, the annual "Hello is anybody in there?" appointment. Love it. You are too funny! Sounds like your doctor doesn't have a sense of humor. That or she doesn't know YOUR sense of humor!

Re: the stamp in the vagina. My old neighbor was a nurse for an ob/gyn, and they came across the same "problem" of a stamp in the vagina. They figured that the woman had gone to the bathroom right before being examined and that there probably wasn't any toilet paper left. She must have reached into her purse for some kleenex and her hand touched a stamp and inadvertently stuck it to her as she was wiping. This was the best explanation, anyway.

I hate the annual exams. Being poked up the butt always makes me angry. The pelvic isn't that bad, but I used to have two cardinal rules... One was I never put anything up my nose. The gyn ruined my other cardinal rule. Love the post! Love hiding the undies! Love the shaving legs for the gyn. LOL.

I'm so behind on your blog since having the baby last month. I'm just now getting the chance to catch up and realized how much I've missed it. This post was hilarious!!! And I'm so curious about what a crus is.....

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