Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Monday, October 24, 2011

AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.George Phillips, an
elderly man from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his
wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which
she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to
go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the
shed stealing things.

He phoned police, who asked "Is
someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking
into my garden shed and stealing from me.Then the police
dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and
an officer will be along when one is available.."

George said,
"Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned
the police again..

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago
because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well, you
don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed
them both, my dogs are eating
them right now" and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six
Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic,
and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught
the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I
thought you said you'd shot them!"

Friday, October 21, 2011

This may come as a surprise to you, but when most people hear you, all
we hear is a strange, alien shriek that starts with "No Fair!" and ends
with "Gimme!"

We hear: "I made bad choices, didn't think things through, never even
imagined that everything wouldn't go exactly as I wanted it to. So now
that I have student loans I signed for and can't pay back (because I
can't find a job I think worthy of my awesomeness), I want someone else
to pay."

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Black TesticlesA male
patient is lying in bedin the hospital,Wearing an
oxygen mask over hismouth and nose,Still heavily sedated from a
difficult four hour surgical procedureA young student nurse appears to
give him apartial sponge bath.Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind
the mask'Are mytesticles black?'Embarrassed, the young
nurse replies'I don't know,Sir.I'm only here to
washyour upper body..'He struggles to ask
again,'Nurse, are mytesticles black?'Concerned that
he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles,she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly
pulls back the
covers.She raises his gown, holds hispenis in one hand and
hisTesticles in the other,lifting and moving themaround and
around gently.Then, she takes a close look and says,... 'No sir,
they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrongWith them, Sir
!!'The man pulls off his oxygen mask,smiles at her
andSays very slowly,'Thank you very much.That
waswonderful, but listenVery, very
closely......' A r e -
m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'

Friday, October 21, 2011

Nudist foodies in San Francisco may soon find themselves forced to cover up.

Public nudity is legal in the Bay Area city, and no one is suggesting
that residents will be barred from taking a stroll down the street or a
picnic at the park in the buff.

But restaurants may soon be off limits to the unattired, and San
Francisco supervisors are also considering codifying a practice that
nudists call "normal etiquette," by requiring those who bare it all in
public to lay down a cover on public seating before they sit down.

The Board of Supervisors public safety committee will consider the
ordinance, introduced by Supervisor Scott Wiener, at a hearing Thursday,
the San Francisco Chronicle reported.

Wiener said last month that the ordinance is "about basic public health."

Nudists will be able to voice their opinions at the supervisors'
meeting, but they will be required to cover up in City Hall, the
Chronicle reported.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Salary of retired US
Presidents .............$180,000 FOR LIFESalary of House/Senate ........................$174,00​0 FOR
LIFE Salary of
Speaker of the House ............$223,500 FOR LIFESalary of
Majority/Minority Leaders ...... $193,400 FOR LIFEAverage
Salary of a teacher ................ $40,065Average Salary of
Soldier DEPLOYED IN AFGHANISTAN $38,000

Sunday, October 16, 2011

You have
two cows.Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being
successful.You push for higher taxes so the government
can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN

You have
two cows. Your neighbor has none.So?

SOCIALIST

You have
two cows.The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his
cow.

COMMUNIST

You have two cows.The
government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line
for hours to get it.It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have
two cows.You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of
cows.

BUREAUCRACY, CANADIAN STYLE

You have
two cows.Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot
one, milk the other, and then pour the milk down the
drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have
two cows.You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the
2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an
announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing
expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have
two cows.You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to
lunch and drink wine.Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have
two cows.You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel
on unbelievably crowded
trains.Most are at the top of their class at cow
school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have
two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer,
give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per
year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have
two cows but you don't know
where they are. You break
for lunch.Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have
two cows.You drink some vodka.You count them and learn you have
five cows. You drink some more vodka.You count them again and
learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many
cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have
all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two. You don't
milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.You get a $40 million grant
from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the
money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION

You have
two cows.They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their
mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION

You have
two bulls.Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk
them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have
one cow.The cow is schizophrenic.Sometimes the cow thinks he's
French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the
French cow.The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.The cow dies
happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a
black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one accidentally vote
for theblack one.Some
people vote for both.Some people vote for neither.Some people
can't figure out how to vote at all.Finally, a bunch of guys from
out-of-state tell you which one you think is the bestlooking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have
millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five
speak English.Most are illegal.Arnold likes the ones with the big
udders.

How do you know when it is time to "hang up the car keys"?I WOULD SAY WHEN YOUR DOG HAS THIS LOOK ON HIS FACE!

_________________________________________________

The Daughter . . . .

My
daughter just walked into the living room and
said:

"Dad,
cancel myallowance
immediately,

rent my
room out,

throw all my
clothes out of thewindow,

take my TV, and
stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my
laptop.

Pleasetake all of my
jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then
sellmy
new car,take my
front door key away from me and throw me out of
thehouse." Then
disown me and never talk to me again. And
don't forget to writeme out of your
will.

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