Experts from around the country gathered at the Aspen Ideas Festival this past week to tackle some difficult issues—the economic crisis, overpopulation, threats to democracy. But the panel I sat on asked perhaps the thorniest of questions, and one that we seem to return to again and again: What is the goal of parenting?

Every society worries about its children, and the recent media storm over the bullied school bus monitor focused our attention on children who appear unmoored in the school system. But the problem of youthful misbehavior is an old one. As Aspen presenter Michael Thompson, author of Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, pointed out, Mark Twain’s Tom Sawyer was probably the best illustration, real or fictional, of the frustrating “push-and-pull of boys and schools.” Not that we should fall into the sex differences trap. Michael Kimmel, author of Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men, said that the “big social science story of the 21st century,” is not the difference between girls’ and boys’ brains, but rather their similarities. There is more variation among boys than there is variation between boys and girls, Kimmel and Thompson argued.

Fostering resilience in children was another common theme. We heard about experimental research that shows children perform better on problem-solving tasks when their effort is praised, rather than their intelligence. We heard about the intellectual capacities that predict success — traits such as optimism, flexibility, curiosity and the ability to assume the perspective of others — that are not captured by our current measures of academic performance. And we discussed how to attend better to the developmental needs of young kids: slowing down and giving them the space, physical and mental, to learn through play, to daydream, to experience struggle and disappointment, and to cultivate their passions. Larry Cohen, a co-panelist, urged parents to understand the virtues of being ordinary. Above all, we emphasized the importance of relationships for the social and cognitive growth of children. We even heard the voices of American children and what they want most from their parents: de-stressed emotional engagement. “If you’re tired, take a little nap,” one child suggested. “But not too long.”

But is any of this new or unique to our times? Certainly, the 21st Century presents particular parenting challenges: the rise of social media and the 24/7 day, globalization, changing demographics and adult roles, high-stakes testing in earlier and earlier grades. Even children’s bodies have changed, with earlier puberty and growing rates of obesity. And anxiety is in the drinking water, everywhere. Amy Chua noted that the firestorm ignited by her book, The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, probably stemmed, in part, because it tapped into two of American’s deepest worries: the fear of being bad parents, and the fear of China. We haven’t really had time to make sense of what these changes portend for schools and families, and the easiest route — as always — is to blame parents. No matter where the child-rearing pendulum swings, we inevitably wring our hands: Parents are too permissive! They’re too authoritarian! And we start worrying all over again, which begs the question: Can we do anything right where kids are concerned?

Ellen Galinsky, president of the Families and Work Institute, argued forcefully that we need to overcome our society-wide “parentism” — the kneejerk parent-blaming that keeps us from identifying systemic solutions to children’s problems. She even suggested that if we substituted the word “women,” or any ethnic or racial minority, for the word “parent” in our endless critical commentary, we’d be accused of prejudice and wouldn’t be allowed in polite company.

Putting child rearing on a par with national security and the global economy, as the Aspen Ideas Festival did, reaffirms that it’s not only parents, but also society as a whole, that should concern themselves with children. Let’s stop leaping to call out parents’ every misstep and examine the kinds of societal forces that have always made childhood such a precarious enterprise.

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Too many parents, through no real fault of their own, are simply not suited or not prepared, and then BAM hello unwanted pregnancy goodbye chance to grow into full-formed humans who are prepared emotionally and fiscally to raise another human being. Unplanned pregancy is at the root of every social problem in the US (racism, poverty, crime, illiteracy ect are borne from kids being born into bad environments to parents who can't raise them, and families become financially crippled for life, then the cycle begins all over again, and again, and again...) , and there exists a simple, cheap solution. $5000 tax-free kicker for vasectomy, hystorectomy. A policy like that would pay for itself in a day.

The excerpts, Parents and Child below have been taken from my third book Back from Hell, Chapter Whose agenda. It is in the interest of every society that we continuously evaluate our 'parenting strategies'. But the most important thing to do before we even contemplate what parenting model we want is to educate people before they become parents. Sadly, many of us just have kids because we can and the dysfunctional behaviours of the past continue to be passed onto successive generations. It does not have to be like this but much education will have to take place in order for things to change. Children are far too important to take a potluck approach to how we raise them; they are our future and will define what sort of society we have.

Parents

As advanced as we think we are in the 21st century I note that no formal/informal education is required to be a parent. For many, kids just arrive and while it is such an exciting time, the reality hits new parents hard – this is a hard gig. We do it the best way we can and it is a steep learning curve. Unless we actively pursue education, we will be driven by how we are feeling at that particular moment and how we were raised because that is all we know. As parents, we expect kids to do what they are told because we believe we know best. This continues in most aspects of a child’s life: at home, extended family, friends, school. It is a brave kid who challenges this wisdom and there’s generally a high price for the child who dares to challenge authority. Some adults will relish a young person’s inquisitiveness and courage but most don’t; they think they are being rude and should be taught respect. Kids don’t have a choice at this point - they have to listen to those who are in authority because they depend on them for their very survival. What they can do is act-out and when they do it is mostly met with disapproval and punishment.

Child

We are told many things by our parents, family, school, media and authority figures. Some of it is useful – other not so but it is always from the other person’s perspective: their agenda. It is in the best interest of the other that we do exactly what we are told – it makes their life easier. We learn from a tender age that it is best not to rock the boat or argue because it will make our life easier; we will spend less time on the naughty chair, in timeout, in cold corridors, being suspended from school or rejected by our peers and others for not conforming to their expectations; whether they were realistic in the first place or not, whether right for us or not.

School comes and most kids can’t wait to get there – they’ll have lots of friends to play with and learn new things. As they progress through school they learn many things in addition to what they went there for. There are great kids to play with and there are bullies – those who taunt them and even if there isn’t much wrong, kids will find something to tease them about. While this is just kids stuff, I know from experience and having worked with many people that the school yard stuff has an impact on us for the rest of our lives and I have noticed that much of this behaviour marches straight into the workplace. Our childhood and school experience define who we become as adults.

every parent has different parenting techniques that work either to many children or exclusively to one kid. Parenting works if we contribute a good kid in the society,otherwise,a problem child.There really is no exact and precise way to do parenting but there is an exact measure..which is the end result of whatever it is a parent does.

I both agree and disagree with this article. Do I think that there is a rising trend of misguided parenting? Of course. But are parents the only ones to blame? No.

The main problem I see is that almost everybody in today's society refuses to acknowledge children and teenagers as developing human beings. Parents see them as accessories, proof that they are in a healthy romantic relationship, or a burden. Teachers see them as a thousand different faces they have to babysit. Childless people see them as brats and annoyances in public places. Because everyone has learned to ignore or reject them on sight, kids never have the chance to learn how to grow up in a healthy manner.

It's like this quote I once heard, "It's not that you don't know how to deal with people, it's just that no one ever took the time to deal with you." It doesn't just apply to parents who don't deal with their kids, it's everyone in the community. There is a rise in mental disorders, eating disorders, and unhealthy coping mechanisms (i.e. cutting or drugs) among those under 18, and we shouldn't be surprised. They have nobody to turn to that they can trust anymore--this includes parents, teachers, school counselors, and every member in their family and community.

Instead of playing the blame game, why don't we try and reach out to kids? Don't see them as a nuisance, or someone born to live up to expectations. See them as another human being who needs guidance and help.

Here's a sure fire way to not be a terrible parent- Don't have kids. Problem solved. Opting out of having children also has the added benefit of not being criticized for what a lousy job you're doing regardless of what you're doing.

Liberals of the 60's and 70's who refused to parent their kids, instead allowing them to grow up like untrained wild animals may have finally realized they threw out the baby with the bath water. Too bad for an entire generation of kids who now have to figure out what our parents and grandparents knew all too well. Children need to be trained to survive in the society in which they live.

I've really no idea whether or not you need to do so. But anyway, you do reinvent the wheel. Have fun! Underemployed people all over the world enjoy reinventing the wheel, 'reinventing themselves', and reinventing any other stupid cr..

Hoooo boy here we go again..............parents should stop trying to be perfect and rather acknowledge their inperfection, but at least try and be responsible, respectful and consistant and in doing so engender a sense of responsibility in our children along with an awareness of the fact that with every action is a consequence.

Is anyone else offended by the idea of wealthy, famous people discussing our problems in Aspen of all places? It reminds me of Gwyneth Paltrow's $90 t-shirt. The conference should've been held in a locale more representative of our nation (say, Detroit), and the attendees should've traveled by bus (or at least sat in coach on the airplane). If you haven't walked a mile in someone else's shoes, you should keep your yapper shut.

Parenting is a lot more complicated today than it was 40 years ago.

1. Two-income households mean it's harder to manage the home front.

2. Social media means kids are exposed to a wider variety of bad influences.

3. Unemployment means it's harder to get kids an after-school or summer job.

4. Trendy educational practices mean kids get less discipline in the classroom while striving to meet higher academic expectations.

5. Materialism means people are more concerned with possessions than values.

These problems are only new in the extent to which they're affecting the majority of American families. Inner-city kids have experienced these problems for decades, and the solutions already exist: more discipline and better role models.

We condemn bad parenting when parents rationalize a child's behavior or criticize those who were injured by it instead of simply apologizing and taking steps to rectify the problem. We correctly perceive these parents as trying to undermine the status quo when they say, "It was just kids being kids."

It's tough being a parent now. Everything you teach your kids not to do is the opposite of what is shown on television. How can you teach respect when kids shows/movies show kids disrespecting their parents or that the child is smarter than the parent and the parents are idiots. Teaching your kids the responsibility of sex? Keep them away from the television. I know, someone is going to say we need to regulate their television. You can't be there 24/7 making sure your kids are watching appropriate television shows. Even the Disney channel is ridiculous with some of the stuff they show. As much as you tell your kids what to do or what not to do, television is there contradicting everything every step of the way. How do you fix that?

My goal of raising my kids is to provide them with the tools and criteria to make them independent and responsible adults. If you have a clear goal it is possible to create a path or way that makes the goal feasible. If you do not have a clear goal, most people will experiment with different avenues and therefore the most likely result would be despair. Having this goal, has let me understand what should I prioritize and what not, what is important to provide and what is less important. I think every parent should ask this question (the goal of being a parent) when the kids are small and not when is late: a 30 year adult child that continues living, feeding, and closely emotionally attached to their parents.

The trouble with all this "advice" is that it's too stupidly specific. You're not raising a homework hound. You're not going to make or break a child's future by taking a phone call. You're supposed to be raising a child. Not micromanaging them. Think "BIG PICTURE" people.

1. Teach your child to be respectful of himself and others.

2. Teach your child to think independently.

3. Praise your child's REAL victories.

4. Punish your child's bad behaviors (assuming you know what a bad behavior is in the first place).

5. Support your child but give them definite boundaries as they grow.

6. Be the parent, not a buddy.

7. Be gently but firmly consistent with them.

Stick to those guidelines and you have a good chance to raise a productive, decent human being.

the reality is that children are the victim of their parents education. I am a parent, and my worries are that I will not be able to give (in term of education support etc etc) my children what they need to become the best they could be.

I typically dismiss right away people who start telling me how is supposed to be done and generalize on what kids need. That's the kind of brain dead stuff I do not need.

The reality is that if you put your heart in it, and if you are not a brain dead troglodyte, your kids will be fine, just never ever give up n them.

Now, .. here is on important thing,.. if you are a troglodyte... allow your kids, who often times are not as troglodyte-like as you are, to grow up and become the decent person you have never been. I am not going to tell how .. just be honest enough to admit you being a troglodyte does not mean they have to be like you are.

Want to be a good parent? Then get home from work at a decent hour, turn off the TV, and ENGAGE your kids. Check their homework. Insist on extracurricular activities. Be there for them at every turn. Take them camping (without the phone!). Play board games with them. Ask about their friends. Let them make mistakes, but hold them accountable. DON'T DO IT FOR THEM! Don't let them miss 10 days of school in one semester.

It is HARD to be a good parent. Some people have to work 2 or more jobs to put food on the table. But if you can do what is right for your child, then you MUST do it.

You're kidding, right? We don't acknowledge children and teenagers? On the contrary, children and teens are overindulged, over scheduled, and allowed to "delight" us with their rude, crude behavior. Are there great kids around? Sure, but the good old USA did not get to be known as the home of the BRAT for no reason. It really is empowering to you AND your child if you, as a parent, learn the word NO.

Are you joking? Better than 90% of the time when a parent is being criticized by someone and the person in question is coming from the liberal side of the equation, they have a point about what you are trying to do or force your child to do.

John, you are full of it to be blunt. Television is emphatically stated regularly as being fantasy and not reality. If your children think that what they are seeing on TV is reality, I hate to tell you but you have done a craptacular job of raising them and haven't done your job informing them of the difference between fantasy and reality.

"has been riding the lightening in a bottle it once fed off of from the dimwitted hippies." A very cool sentence (marred only by mispelling "Lightning"). But what does it mean? And why do you have a patch over your left eye? Probably to underscore how "cool" you are, right?? Many of those "dimwitted hippies" have contributed greatly to our society. Don't ask me for any examples tho, cuz the drugs have screwed with my memory.

You give your best, and that is all you can do. Can't always have the opportunity to give your kids the best of everything.(education, support etc.) Sometimes you just have to hope that you have instilled in them the abilities to take what you got and make the best of it. I grew up in a poor family. But I worked my butt off, put myself through college and now have 3 businesses. It's not all about how much you give them, it's about what you give them.

For good reason most of the time. I have seen children beating (not spanking, which I will admit I also think is wrong) their children under the guise of 'discipline' on a regular basis and have had to step in, telling those parents that if I see them doing that again, I WILL call the police and WILL show them the videotape of the beating in question.

Bottom line is that if you ever have to raise your hand to your child, you are a bad parent who cannot figure out a non-violent way to punish your child.

Did you even READ this article? Right at the end there it says "let's stop leaping to call out parents' every misstep" and the first thing you do call out missteps, and tell them what they MUST do. Unbelieveable.

I guess that means hard working people like nurses, cops, military personnel, restaurant workers, etc. will never be "good" parents since much of the time they can't get home from work at a "decent hour". Also, if someone is working "2 or more jobs", then there's a better than even chance they'll be out working at all hours to support the family. That doesn't leave much time for camping "without the phone" (people who blame cell phones for the decline of society crack me up). The reality is that many people can barely hold on to one job, let alone "2 or more".

But apparently it's 1950, and I can drive my milk truck, pull a shift at the factory, and still get home in time to toss a baseball around with the boys. Right.

Good ideas, Joe. I'd like to see parents get off their phone. No phone when pushing a stroller or watching your kids play ball. I'd like to see all school work done during school so kids can enjoy their time at home with their family. It's one thing to work multiple jobs to put food on the table, and another to work multiple jobs to buy phones, cable TV, $5 cups of coffe, and yet another pair of shoes you've just gotta have. But mostly, I'd like to see parents get off their damn phone and pay attention to their kids.

I think you misunderstand me. Yes, these parents "overindulge," but only to make their child "shut up." When the kids are "over scheduled," it's to keep them out of the adults' hair (or would you prefer they keep you company with their "rude, crude, behavior"?). Our society is so focused on reproduction (think of parents being terrified of not having grandchildren) that we don't stop and consider the fact that kids are more than just the next step in a relationship, they are living beings. Instead, they become unwanted burdens that everyone pushes from place to place. There is a distinct difference between paying attention to someone and actually acknowledging them as real human beings; one action is a band-aid solution while the other is a long process that requires introspection, communication, and mutual trust.

Your comment is an excellent example of the key problem I was just pointing out: the idea that most kids are just spoiled, but nobody is willing to solve the problem because they don't consider it their problem. Everybody just shoves them away, telling them how awful they are. Perhaps if we changed our attitude and tried actually working with the children (as opposed to training them), they would be willing to work with us. As the saying goes, "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar."

Furthermore, you say that my generation turned the USA into the home of the "brat," but I say that your generation made our country the home of the racist, the homophobe, the transphobe, and the religion-biased. It's all a matter of perspective.

You read my post but really didn't understand, huh? That's o.k. Next time I will dumb it down for you.

I do not remember mentioning authoritative parents in my post. Glad to see you know a big word though, I'm thoroughly impressed.

I didn't say anything about children "owing: their parents respect.

So, I think you are a very angry person (probably at your authoritative parents) and just decided to vent on the first person that may have said something that reminded you of your terrible childhood. What you should do is invest all that time you don't spend watching television on seeing a therapist. You don't have to hide from your past, embrace it. And then maybe, just maybe you could make some friends.

Seriously, if you don't like someones opinion, reply like you have an education. Trying to put people down because their views aren't like you own is simply childish. Grow up.

Did YOU even read the article. The part at the end where it says "let's stop leaping to call out parents' every misstep" was one opinion out of many. And my opinion is that Ellen Galinsky is wrong.

I support the main point of the article: we don't need to reinvent the wheel. But to tackle the problem, we have to start with parents. The school isn't responsible for raising children. The government isn't responsible. The parents are responsible.

I think I gave a pretty good "out" to parents that need to work long hours to put food on the table. Read the last sentence of my

post.

As for the phones, they're a symptom of the problem not the cause. The cause is a lack of engagement with kids (for any number of reasons, some valid, some not). MANY parents need to learn some self-control and realize that there's no requirement to answer the phone EVERY time it rings. Do you answer your phone at the dinner table? I've seen many people that do.

And 1950? Well, I'd say your snarky remark is a symptom of your problem. Your problem is a lack of reading comprehension.

Read your own comment.... just because a conservative makes a statement doesn't make it true. By the way, crap parenting has nothing to do with political views... I've seen rotten liberal parents and just as many rotten conservative parents

Do you really think I meant that parents can never talk on the phone or even that I think most parents are bad or not trying? I think you made and assumption about my assuming.

I said parents should engage their kids. And I'm absolutely right. I said to take them camping without the phone. Camping may not be your thing, but the point is to do things with your kids, to focus on them and let them know they are important. Taking your kids to the park is great, but don't pretend that watching them play while you yack on the phone is some kind of great bonding experience. And that's not to say it's a waste of time, it's not. But don't make it something it isn't.

I asked what your solution was and your answer was that we should recognize that most parents are doing great? Ok, I agree. Most parents are doing great. So what's your solution for those that aren't? What's your solution for those that think they are, but really aren't? Or, am I to assume from your post that everything is fine and that all parents are doing great?

The solution is to understand that the vast majority of parents cherish their children and are doing the best job they can at raising their own children. The solution is not to criticize every parenting decision, or even every adult decision (such as talking to a friend on the phone while the kids play happily in the park, with other kids), because it's not what YOU would do or it's not a decision YOU agree with. The solution is NOT to assume that all other parents are doing a horrible job and they need you to list out for them what they *must* do in order to achieve your definition of a good parent.