Hello Friends!!! You will notice that the heading of this page is 'Inspiration' ~~ I want to take a moment to explain my reason for this, if I may. You see, Jimma's leaving truly turned my world upside-down!! I rather quickly began searching for a way to...survive!....to somehow find 'meaning' to what my life now was.....As it turns out, the internet bacame a sort of haven for me...I had found a way to communicate...to share my precious gift with others.....and in so doing, I found a web site by the name of INSPIRE ... https://www.inspire.com ...

And.. ooooo, what a blessing it has turned out to be!!!! I have found a group of friends (a term I never use lightly) who have reached out to me. They have opened their hearts..minds...ears...and so much more...to me!! I've never been a person who easily opens up...especially to strangers!! Yet, I have been able to share the most intimate details of the most painfilled time of my life....and have received soo much love and support!! I want to extend my gratitude to this wonderful group of people......who have, through prayer and open support, boosted me with strength to go forward.....and share....

Below you will find a few of my journalings....along with replies from these wonderful friends. Please feel free to read them...it may take some time...come back as often as you like! They have given me permission to include each of their responses. I'm sure you will quickly begin to understand why I have taken each of them into my heart. You see....everyone here lives in chronic pain...among other illnesses, yet they choose to reach out a hand to help others.....WHAT MORE INSPIRATION COULD ONE ASK For???

Journal titles include... (1) I have a question .. (2) Just How desparate does one have to be? .. (3) FEELING THE NEED TO just talk .. (4) A WHOLE YEAR .. (5) Then came Friday morning.. (6) A Few More Horrible Details about 9-19-09 .. (7) The Night of the 18th of September .. (8)A Journey of A Thousand Miles... (9) SAYING GOODBYE ...

I do realize there is quite a lot of reading to be done on this one page!! So, please, take your time...come back often....read as you can. And, again, I remind you.....the reason that I am opening my heart in this manner is that.....somehow..some way, I MUST find a way to help others!!! Being alone....or feeling so very along...during the time of such overwhelming loss is.....well.....there aren't words to describe the depth of pain to be borne! .....so, if you know of anyone facing a death...especially that of child....pleasesend them here... perhaps then....they will know their pain is shared...... and we can find our way....together.....

I have a question.....

I have been thinking about posting my journaling concerning Jimma to her web site. I was wondering whether you would mind if I posted your comments as well. It's all part of my 'mountain climbing' .. a journey toward healing....coping...going forward. And each of your responses play a hugh role in this journey of mine.

It's all about helping others....sharing....caring....for when anyone loses a loved one...In my experience...especially a child....Life as we know it STOPS.....the only way is DOWN.........unless......someone gives a hand up....the way you have been doing for me....

Soooo, tell me honestly how you feel and if you don't want your post shared, I'll comply. Thanks to you all, dear friends... BTW, you can check it out to give approval, if you like. I'll wait on your responses...

Thanks....so, unless someone objects I will shortly be copying and pasting! .....I've been thinking that when a person whose heart is breaking finds Jimma's site...having the suggestion of finding someone and talking....talking.....talking....would be beneficial...I've been journeying through this like a blind person making her way up the steep, rocky side of the mountain. In other words....absolulely no idea how to proceed! And when you feel like this...it's hard to comprehend that anyone can really care and understand.. sooo, I just wanna try to help make another person's journey a bit easier.... That's what it's all about! ...right?Love and prayers, dear friends....Kathy

I don't think anyone can fully comprehend the complete devestation on the death of a child except someone who has experienced it. We can offer our support and sympathies but it's impossible to fully understand. We might even say hurtful things with good intentions because we don't understand. I hope Jimma's website will be of some help and comfort to someone who has lost a child. If the comments on here helped you, maybe they will help someone else, as well.

my dear sweet Kathy,Yes, by all means share............i have cried healing tears while reading about your little butterfly.............i know others will find that same healing , reading about the love and joy that was mixed with bittersweet memories........love you girl.........hope your heart is healing today........love and prayers, susie

you can post anything positive from me that will help someone else...i would love to do that...love and prayers, diane

JUST HOW DESPERATE DOES ONE HAVE TO BE?

Posted September 12, 2010 at 3:23 am ·

A note I received from a friend inspired this question. Just how desperate does one have to be to join a group like this? PRETTY DESPARATE, I'd say!! ....to be willing to expose your weaknesses...your doubts...failures...worries....the things we aren't willing to expose to those we're closest to! To open your aching heart and cry aloud the lonesomeness of pain and heartache. ... whether with a loud cry of agonized frustration or a barely audible whimpering plea...

.... then one reaches the edge of the once far-off cliff and turns back once more...flailing...grabbing at the air one more time, in hopes that this time there will be someone there to cling to....someone to care enough to grab ahold and pull you away from that dangerous edge...An edge that scares you to death .. not because of the danger of the fall .. but because of the beauty of release that it seems to hold.....

O' ... it's not always because there's nobody who cares that we hold things in so greedily...usually, we just don't want to burden those around us with our problems....or else, WE are the caretaker...the giver.....the strong shoulder they can depend on....we must never the one who is in need! We can't let them down....nooo .. nevermind that they might need to be strong for us.. So, in desperation.....because somewhere deep inside this strong illusion of strength we feel we must carry on....there's a hurting child in desparate need of someone who will care enough to be still and just listen! ...and hold off judgements..

So, I want to take this moment in time to thank you all! It wasn't my illnesses that brought me here initially. ...although I'm finding great benefit in learning to talk about my health problems..finding others like me..always tired and in constant pain and failing health..(yaknow?...that misery loves company thing must really be true)... It was the loss of my angel, Jimma, that caused me to happen upon this site. I was finding that losing my child didn't compare to the others who have gone before me.. My dear sister..two brothers..mom-in-law..my daddy.....These losses went deep....and the loss of my youth to health issues nearly took my mind as well as my life.... Yet it seems that the very idea of not holding that precious angel in my aching arms ever again in this life was proving to be too much for me!

Someone had mentioned to me about a grieving parents site..which I found. But in my attempts, I stumbled (I don't really think things like this happen by accident) upon you wonderful people. You've allowed me to share my most vulnerable pain with you ... and you've embraced me---warts and all----AND ...I THANK YOU!! ....... from the bottom of my tear-drenched, aching and forever grateful heart..

Whenever I hear someone say that loosing your child would be the worst pain ever, I say I think even worse than that would be to loose your grandchild. To have your own pain and know the pain your child is going through is unimaginable for me. I am thankful to have healthy children and grandchildren and my heart breaks for the two of you. In my family we are dealing with the opposite. My daughter-in-law's mother died two years ago. She was very close to my three grandchildren but especially the two boys. It is very hard to see the pain my grandsons go through missing their Dama so much and there is nothing I can do to help them. Every milestone in their lives has a little saddness in it because she isn't there. They are 11 and 9. No matter how much I love them, I know I can't make up for that loss. Kathy and Susie, you are both in my prayers.

I hope knowing others share you pain will bring you some comfort. One of my favorite sayings is that "Friends double the joy and halve the pain." I hope your friends here have eased your pain enough to at least make it bearable. It warms my heart to hear of your wonderful memories of your grandson. You are still connected on a much different level. I always say that although a lot has been taken away from me due to my husband's illness, nobody can take away all the happy memories I have of our life together. In a way, we are fortunate, as there are many who have no happy memories to draw from. We have been Blessed beyond the Curse. God Bless You and I hope you find Peace.

I, too, have lost a child. Our only son, John, died two years ago. Nothing else - not all the pain I have - not the loss of my mom and dad and brother - compares to this pain. Losing another child or a grandchild would totally do me in. I don't know if I could ever go on if that were to happen. I pray God will touch us all and give us some peace and freedom from pain.

dear butterfly hope somehow you can find peace after so much emotional and physical pain. I can't imagine what you might be going through as a mom i always worry and fear something happening to my boys its a fear i cannot shake. I hope God gives you the strength to deal with it every day and that somehow it becomes bearable to move on somehow. even though i was sad reading your post it was nice to read because you have a way of writing. you take care and lean on someone sometimes we have to give in and burden others to release our pain and worries. hope the memories of your angel jimma bring you joy instead of sadness. keep posting

I want to thank you all for your kind responses! When it get late into the night (or early into the morning) ..it's strangely lifting to know there is someone willing to listen to inner groanings....and who will take the time to show you care!! I appreciate you dear friends!!! Hope you all are finding rest tonight! ....Kathy

I heart fills with tears...both of sadness and of joy...at your kind and thoughtful responses! I pray you all find rest tonight. If it's only for an hour, let it feel like eight and refresh your weary souls..

The lose of a child is a difficult thing, we should not have to bury a child it's suppost to be the other way around.

I understand how you feel though, approx. 20 yrs ago I was pregnat with fraternal twins. I delivered at 23 wks. Technology was not what it was today, but even at 23 wks their chance of survival would be slim. The difficult thing was they passed at seperate times. One of my daughters passed 6 hrs after delivery. I was released from the hospital leaving a very sick baby behind so, I could make funeral arrangements (that was a very difficult thing, no one wants to pick out tiny caskets). My second daughter fought hard for a month before passing and I had to plan a second funeral. It was a very dark time in my life.

I had no support and I had to do everything myself and very few people showed up at the funeral, it was heart breaking! Losing a child to me was one of the hardest things to endure.

My heart goes out ot you, continue reaching for support, we are here for you!!

My! What kind words you all have, one for another. It is mind boggling at times to hear/read such encourgement while living in a selfish world. God bless all of you and reward you with whatever you would need or desire from the Lord.

FEELING THE NEED TO ... just talk ...

Today I went outside....haven't been able to in a while because of the problems with my eye and pain and the such. I just HAD to...when I get too still, I go back to Sept. 19th, 2009...and I see her laying there....the ventilator causing her little body to jump and jerk.. (they said it would be a gentle rocking--IT WAS NOT).....So I try to keep busy...working in her flower garden...talking with you guys....pulling weeds, when I can....praying, praying, praying....spending time with my other precious jewels....So I have got to stay as busy as my body and soul will allow....because ......I do not know how to keep my promise of pressing through this thing called grief!! This mountain!! I will keep trying...with God's help....but it truly is a slippery slope!!! Don't get me wrong...I have sooo much to be thankful for!! ....beautiful grandchildren...daughters who love us ...a loving church family ...my caring husband who suffers alongside me (that almost sounds like I'm grateful for his suffering ....lol....that's not it!!!.....I am grateful for HIM)

And you know, I really do know my baby is in a better place....and all the other things folks say to try to help..like, I'll see her again one day...and she's happy, not hurting anymore... I feel more than a bit angry at myself because I seem to be justspinning my wheels .. so to speak ...seeming to get nowhere....And... I know she would't like Mommy being sad....she used to take her little fisted hand and bring it up to my face...stroking it .. to comfort me ...if she saw any sign of sadness in my face, she'd get this very serious look on her beautiful face... and she'd bury her little head into my chest and just seemed to deliver strength to me... her love...so pure...so undefiled.....

If you could have known her...you'd feel the same...she touched everybody who came into her life! Soooo...If you'd like to visit Jimma, here's the addy-- http://aboutjimma.yolasite.com/#1 ..I invite you all. I've been hesitant, inviting only a few, but I'm taking the big leap...if you want to go there..or ... If you know someone with a child who's been told there is no hope, well.....there IS hope!!! Her seven years was a miracle!! It was worth everything...every sacrifice...even this..horrible ..life-sapping pain!! Why I can't just be thankful and move forward?? I don't know! My arms are sooo empty! ..my heart so full of longing..no one can fill her place ... yet, I've got find a way ...a way to help..to reach out.. even though I'm broken in so many ways...I feel that I must help....I can hear the children crying...I can feel the broken hearts of mothers so close to hopelessness at the news that their baby isn't what they expected.... The joys ... the wonderful gifts God gave me through my angel .. it wasn't all just for then .. is not just for me.....

It kinda like the trials we're going through together on this site ....with the pain and life-changing illnesses we're facing...they're not for nothing...they can't be....!! They can either bring us closer to our wondrous Saviour...or they can send us spiraling down...down...into that dense fog of doubt.....

Just talking..when I probably should be trying to sleep...thanks so much for enduring...love you, dear friends..Kathy

Dear Kathy,absolutely no one can tell another person how to grieve, or to cheer up when you alone know what your heart is feeling.....and what works for one may or maynot work for everyone...........i think that writing here does help........it helps us remember all the things we feel and still feel for our sweet, sweet babies.......so please feel free to express yourself as much as you desire..........i for one enjoy reading your posts, and i can identify with so much of what you are feeling............ love and prayers, susie

You said it all so beautifully that I couldn't add to it. People who say they understand can't possibly understand unless maybe they've had the same thing happen to them. I recently lost both my husband and my mother within months of each other, but that is nowhere near what you have had to go through. Your beautiful child is in Jesus' arms. Maybe it helps to visualize that?Praying for you...

I hope this finds you feeling a little better today. I have a Ziggy cartoon I cut out years ago that says "How come our saddest saddness comes from what was once our most joyous joy?" I pray that God will give you peace as you go through this saddest saddness. I'm keeping you in my prayers.

I'll be keeping you in my prayers. I can't imagine the pain you are going through. We all grieve in our own way and it takes as long as it takes. I miscarried between my first two children when I was only about two months along. Only when they discovered our rare syndrome was I also told there was a chance the child I miscarried had a severe form of the syndrome. Understand this happened over 10 years ago, and I have now decided to turn the miscarriage into something positive by joining heart walks so that a cure can be found for the heart issues that go along with the syndrome, so no one else will have to suffer through a miscarriage from it. I'm doing this as a way of remembering my child I never met. Like I said we all deal with grief in our own way and it takes as long as it takes.

dear butterfly do not push yourself for a quick recovery of your feelings for your little one. move at your own pace talk about her think about her its your right to, only you know how it feels in your heart and mind and only time will let it be and feel like it should in time. so don;t set it on a schedule pain like heart ache has a mind of its own. you take care and yes you will one day see your little one. as i will one day see my mom. take care.

Dear Kathy, As i read your post i felt the presence of being there with you. It was soooo heart felt. I am so sorry for what has happened to you. The only thing after that came to mind was the old saying GOD don't give you more than you can handle. Soooo when i am overwhelmed i look to the sky and tell GOD OK that's enough I can't take anymore. I always say he has a Great since of humor. He belives i can handle more than i know i can handle..LOL I pray your happy moments become more and more. I once spoke to a lady who had just lost her 2 grandchildren and a daughter in a car accident. It had happened 2 months before I saw her and she talk so calm about what had happened and about the children and her daughter. The only thing i knew after leaving is she had tremendous FAITH. I was so amazed she shed a tear or two but she would talk about how they were with Jesus and so on. I don't think i could have been so strong in my faith as she was..Everyone handles a loss in a different way so seek professional help if needed and we are ALWAYS here to listen. My prayers are with you my love. May GOD Bless you and your family....

I want to thank you all for your heart-warming support in this my hour of desperation. I made a decision to walk by faith into uncharted territory and have been very moved by the outpouring of sincere concern and understanding. This has given me a new outlook concerning this internet thing.....at my age, that's a pretty big statement!.......I'm thankfor for my new friends...and I don't say that lightly!!!!

Hello Kathy. I am on a different time frame from you, so my replies are always late. It is 2.09p.m. Monday here.

Your story broke my heart. I cannot even imagine what you are going through, nobody can unless they have suffered the loss of a child. But if you see a little prayer floating around above you there, it will be from me, all the way from New Zealand.

I hope time will diminish your pain, and I know that this message forum is good for the soul, so keep in touch. God bless, Ruth x

I just wanted to add a couple thoughts. I too have lost a child. In very different circumstances but everyone's experience is in many ways the same and also is always unique. The first anniversary, which apparently is this month, is going to be one of the very toughest times. At some point, likely in the next year or sooner, things will change for you. Notice I'm not necessarily saying they will get better. But in some ways they will get more manageable. And you will have more days when you enjoy life. As things get better, many people initially experience some guilt about enjoying life. Try to just notice this and let it pass. you know that your daughter would not want that for you. A couple things that helped me after I passed the first year: using my experience to help someone else. It doesn't necessarily have to be someone who lost a child but maybe who lost someone or who has a child who is very ill. the other thing is this, my moments of intense sadness became more unpredictable. They might happen suddenly for no apparent reason. I remember being on a road trip and suddenly I began crying and felt intensly sad, almost like I was experiencing the loss all over. Later on I realized that I had passed over the river in which my son had drowned. It was a different part of the river so I wasn't consciously aware of it. Anyway I started to tell myself that these gradually less frequent bouts of sadness were a tribute to how much I loved my son. somehow this made it more bearable. Things will get better at some point and truly your good memories will greatly overshadow the sad ones. At first this is just an intellectual thing - you recognize that your child gave you a lot of joy - but eventually it will become an emotional reality as well.I do believe that everyone's experience is different and that not all these things will happen in the same way for you.Keep taking the best possible care of yourself, especially of your spirit and heart. Maggiex2

Dear MaggieX2....I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and....Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. All I can say is that I fully intend to keep taking one step forward....tho it does seem that there are always slippery areas where I seem to slide heavily backwards! I agree that helping others is the way!!.......just how?....I'm not sure...

Anyway....thanks for caring and sharing your story...How old was your son? ....not that it really matters, I don't thinks 100 years would make the loss more bearable!!

I lost my angel baby in 1987. Words cannot describe the grief of watching one of your children suffer and die with such a sweet and courageous spirit.

In my heart, I always mark milestones: kindergarten, driver's license, graduation, marriage, and wonder. I see a challenged child and I remember. I will always love and miss her.

But - she gave me a very special something my other children can not. I thank God for the privilege of being her mother, meeting so many other amazing parents, and seeing the spirit of so many small warriors.

In losing her, she gave me so much. My journey with her helped prepare me with my own diagnosis a few years later.

I will always miss her, remember, and try to honor her.

Your little one is precious and a beauty. Thank you for a beautiful post and sharing your treasure with us. It blessed me.

I really have no words that will benifit you except that I am sorry for your pain and suffering. I have three beautiful adult children and three precious grandbabies and I have never lost a child. I know that when I look into my sisters eyes sometimes when she is talking about her son she lost in a terrible accident the pain is so clear and he has been gone for over 20 years. I dont think the pain ever goes away but I do believe with all my heart that God is in control and he could no longer stand to see his child suffer. Sometimes when I am afraid or I am hurting I give myself a hug and imagine its our Lord with his arms around me. Another thought the book called the Shack might be of help to you. Hugs!!!

I really don't know what to say, except I felt the need to say something. I have never lost a child, but believe it to be the worst possible loss a human can suffer.When my husband was 15, there was a fire in his home and is 17 year old sister was killed. His brother and sister were thankfully not home. The family is still to this day a splintered shell of loss and grief. Ater the death, Bill's mom and dad received counseling, but their teenage kids did not. I have never understood this. Since they have become adults they have all found the need to have counseling. Except for my husband who still wakes from terrible nightmares about the night after Chrismas when his sister died. His parents no longer treat him the same as they do the other children - something I have come to learn of as "survivors guilt" where a surviving sibling is never again treated the way the one who was killed was treated. It is a horrible situation. This has been over twenty years ago and their lives are all still locked on that day, as if time stood still.Please don't let this happen to you and the rest of your beautiful family. Instead of looking at what you lost, as much as it hurts me to say this, look at what you still have. It will take you a long time to see the good memories, but they will come.I was with my father when he died a particularly gruesome death and it took me years and lots of hard work to replace that one picture with all of the lovely pictures I had of him before that night in the ER.If you have any groups in your area for parents of lost children, or any kind of bereavment group, please try to make yourself go and take advantage of it. If you have insurance with mental coverage, see about going to a counselor for awhile. I know this may seem like a silly way out to some, like you should just be able to pick up and move on, but some situations require drastic action. I feel your pain in every word you type and know that you are helping yourself everytime you share your feelings here. But the loss of a child may require more intervention than you can receive from all of your friends here. I wish I could reach through this computer right now and give you the biggest hug ever!You will forever be in my thoughts.VickieI hope I haven't said anything to hurt you in anyway, I have only the kindest of feelings for you and what you must be going through. I wish I could make it all go away.

You words are so touching! You have my heart and prayers.I cannot relate for I have not lost a child...but I have lost loved ones and all I can say is "Thank God, you have your faith." We all have a journey...but I truly believe we are never alone and everything does happen for a reason. May God continue to bless you with his love and strength. Feel his arms around you, rest your head on his shoulder...he will give you the peace and comfort you need.

A WHOLE YEAR.....

This is the day I've been dreading!!! .....a year has passed since my Jimma went Home.... Time has taken on a different meaning for me in this last year... It's like forever ... it's like a moment...both at once. Earlier today I began writing .. got the prelude finished .. and my computer hiccupped .. did a jig .. and lost it. I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. So I came to this site and found some notes from friends .. people who have never met me face-to-face had sent me notes to let me know they were thinking of me. ME!!...I can't tell you how much it meant to me, how much I needed those kind words. ....and this is something I never knew about myself before ....that I was soooo needy.....

I've been almost sick at the thought of a year marking Jimma's passing....it has felt almost like a betrayal....like I was walking away from her....somehow.... I can't really explain it right now...I don't have enough understanding at this point. But I had made a promise to myself....and declared it here..on this site..to my friends..strangers..anyone who cared to listen!!! I vowed to face that hugh mountain called 'grief' and do my best to climb it. Some of the responses I got from you guys spurred me on....gave me courage...inspired me.

Soooo, today I'm striking out. ..I'm ready to put one foot forward and TRY to take the big step...the one they say is the hardest.....That first step UP....I'm so tired of dreading it...I've GOT to tackle the slippery slope that lies just ahead....in my stumbling, clumsy, bumbling way... So, here goes.........

September 19, 2009 was the culmination of very hard two weeks. Jimma's sister came home from school..so very sick. The dr. said it was a virus...her temp was very high.. I did just what I always did...separated them...changed my clothing when I left Tori's room to care for Jimma....used all the sanitation forms I'd always used .. and consulted her doctors .. praying all the while. Something that was strange to me was the fact that a type of fear had come to me when I first learned of the swine flu. I'd wasn't acquainted with it ...this fear..not after that initial year (which absolutely was fear-ridden).....I didn't fear whatever came our way, there really wasn't time to fear...any time there was an outbreak or even when Jimma contracted RSV (which is very deadly for those with compromised immune systems).....I wasn't so much afraid.....just very prayerful and driven ...yes, very driven....to watch over my little angel....to guard her....protect and nuture her. I didn't know...neither did the dr. at the time...that H1N1 didn't show up at first...only after it had really set in would it show in the tests....and the flu itself isn't the killer... It's takes so much out of the body..depleting the immune system...then, if there's a secondary infection...the body doesn't have what it needs to fight.... I learned this only through the experience....after it was too late.....

Sooo, Tori was getting better...and Jimma started showing symptoms.....meanwhile, I got VERy sick...as did my husband...We took turns taking care of Jimma...our daughter came over to help....and Jimma seemed to get better. On that Wednesday, I gave her a bath....and we sat up .. rocked .. cuddled .. and talked. We talked (meaning she listened intently, giving her input with facial expressions and body language, for the most part. While her big beautiful blue eyes stayed glued to my face, I found myself telling her more about her loving aunt that had recently gone on (whom she missed so much .. so I didn't talk about her a lot to keep her from being so sad) ...her great-grandmother (she got to know her because my husband's Mom came to live with us the last eight months of her life) and I talked to her about Heaven!!..going into more detail than ever before......I didn't understand why, at the time, I felt so strongly to remind this angel of the plan of salvation... I remember she nodded her little head as she buried herself deeper into my bosom...as I spoke to her of being able to run and play and praise God when she got to her Home in Heaven.

Then there was a quiet spell.....an interim of time in which my mind went to a place I quickly pushed away...It was almost like I fell into a trance of sorts.....and.....holding my baby close to my breast ..I nearly shouted "NO" ......out loud. As I came to myself I realized that my mind had gone to sorting through her toys (they were always placed on their shelves in the living room...where her hospital bed was. She slept beside me all of her life, but the bed was good for the daytime...for playing...and for therapy.....) I'm sorry....it's just so hard to say the words....you see, my mind was thinking 'which toy would be suitable to give which of the other children....which one would mean the most, individually, which would be most appreciated by which child????...because each of the other children had special play time with their Jimma.....each had such a special, unique relationship with their special girl!!!! I was both shocked and dumb-founded when I realized what was happening....so I held tightly to my baby...breathing deeply of her scent....memorizing, once again, the feel of her, the texture of her hair...looking at her fingers wrapped around my hand until my eyes hurt.......and I said "NO!!!!" ...noooooo......noooooo.......... This was Wednesday, September 16, 2009.....and she was so much better....wasn't she? I don't understand why prayer didn't come as it had so many times before.....all I could do was whisper nooooooo and hold her close....

I suppose I should tell you, now, that when she was first born, the Lord spoke to my heart...."Seven is perfection" ..... Strange????? ... but, true. I even told several people. I didn't understand it ... she was our seventh grandchild...did this mean that our family was complete? So I did what I learned in my youth...I hid this in my heart and pondered upon it....and through the years...on occassion......I would hear....in that still, small voice, so loving and gentle..."Remember, seven is perfection"...... When her specialists would give her prognosis, I'd push it aside. I really did understand what they were telling me (although they worried that I didn't)----but I COULD NOT let myself 'go there' !>>> my job was to fight for her life...not plan for her death.....

Thursday was not very eventful....we did what we always did when she was recovering.....lots of lovin'....lots of cuddling.....lots of rocking.... She was still able to take her food (which later amazed the doctors)....but before dawn was breaking on Friday morning we knew we had to take her to the hospital...she didn't have a fever, but something was just not right....

big breath............big pause............I've gotta stop for now...I'm sorry.....if you don't want me to say anymore here, just tell me....I will understand....I'll go to her site where you can follow if you want. I don't want to expose any of you to more than you can stand. Please let me know how you honestly feel. I feel like I'm taking advantage of your kindness...... I think I've got to change the subject for a bit....my heart is crushing me and it's hard to breathe...........

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hello, I am so sorry to hear about your loss of your daughter.I personally think it is a good idea that you did find this site. I am new here too, and just can not find the words for my situation, but... just to let you know that I have lost a child also. And we all have or should I say stress the need for grief. It is a different time line for every one. I have had people to tell me that they just went on with their lives, one day and a time. That is good, if you can do it!I have tended to talk about my daughter any chance I get. Sometimes, I never let my close friends know. I do not want pity or sympathy... just like you, just want someone to care. And yet, I already do have so many to care, just does not seem to be enough. (never will) lol. Just a little advise, its like everything else, an opinion, every one has one. Take your time to grieve, if it helps to talk, then do so. People do not always know how to react, just tell them you need to talk and are they willing to listen!?I will quit babbling now and if you would like you can contact me. Together we can make it. With Gods help.

A journey shared is less lonely... I'm with you here or on Jimma's site, either way, I'm here.

Dear Spinner, my heart goes out to you, too.

No one here knows the fact that my best friend had a full-term stillborn baby girl the very same day I had my oldest girl (first baby for both of us). We'd tried on our first maternity clothes together, planned to have joint birthday parties. The date was December 23, 1975 ~ just before Christmas.

When I called her, she knew there could be only one reason I was calling instead of rushing to the hospital 50 miles away to see her ~ I was in a different hospital having my own daughter. I was not going to tell her but she pried all information from me and our tears flowed together over the phone.

I was stunned and in shock that all could be taken from her so suddenly and without warning. I almost felt a sense of guilt at having my own precious bundle beside me but realized what a precious gift they are... not ours but for a while, no guarantees that we keep them forever. We fill them will all the love we can give, do our best, then give them over ~ to make their way in the world or to God.

She named the baby Angela and Becky always knew she had a special angel in heaven looking out for her. My friend started an angel collection and I took one to her every year for 20 years on December 23, until she finally said enough as the angels were taking over the house. Every year, we had a special moment of grief, understanding and connection.

I believe that anyone we love deeply who is taken from us has left a part of themselves here, that a part of their spirit is still here with us and that they kept a part of us with them. We are forever changed for having had them in our lives and their lives were much different for having had us.

My first boyfriend was taken from me by a drunk driver ~ he'd just turned 20 years old but loved me and was already thinking of marriage (a little too soon for me, though). I couldn't understand why such a good person should be taken from us at such a young age. (The drunk driver lived ~ I hope he went on to lead a better life.)

We'd had a long-distance relationship and I read his letters many times... he'd written almost every day or at least a few times a week for a year and a half. As I read, I started to realize that he was telling me what a difference I'd made in his life and it began to give me some comfort. If his time here was short, I was grateful that I'd been able to give him some happiness. In the end, I think that is the important thing ~ that we gave them happiness. We haven't "lost" them, we will be reunited one day.

Tom and I shared bright moonlit nights and stars as a special connection and I feel his presence with me when I see the bright moon lighting up the landscape and see the brightest star ~ it is him saying he is okay, that I will see him again.

Kathryn, I believe you will understand this ~ one night, I was standing on the stairway, looking out into the night. Some years later, my heart was aching deeply for the little angel that was taken from us at birth and I felt a huge void. A calm came over me with the message, "She is with Me." I've never felt that intense grief since and it brought a huge comfort.

Grief is so personal, there is no "right" way. Support groups seem helpful to many. I've shared my own experiences in the hope that they somehow give you just a little comfort and peace.

You are in my thoughts and prayers today and I hope the dear memories you have will bring you comfort. Something very special was taken away from you but nothing can take away your memories. I can't begin to imagine the pain of losing a child. It must be life's biggest tragedy. I think only someone who has experienced it can truly understand but you have my sympathy, as much as I can give, and I hope God gives you comfort and strength to carry on today and in the years ahead. God Bless!

I must apologize, am so very sorry to have posted such a long message about myself. Your words took me back to a place I'd not visited in a long time and while in the middle of the night (with a migraine and 'fibro fog') the words flowed from me so easily ~ I hadn't had the presence of mind to remember that this isn't 'my' place.

Thank you for sharing your precious Jimma with us, I've learned much.

My heart is with you and you and yours are in my thoughts and prayers.

Please keep sharing your story. You are in a safe place in this wonderful group of people to do so. It is so much better thanholding these feelings inside. I found when I lost my mother, she was very young, that if I just kept talking and sharing, finally my heartache was replaced with the beautiful memories I have of her. It does take a long time, but please keep sharing. It is the best thing you can do for yourself as you recover.

Hello, I wrote you awhile ago. You may remember my story of the loss of my baby niece, who I "mothered" for 3 years until I was 14, then she suddenly died of meningitis just after her 3rd birthday.You and Jimma have not been out of my thoughts since I read your entry. I did not reply as I felt it was not my place to say I have understanding when she (my niece) was not my true child.She was like mine though and I loved her dearly.You are very brave to come and share such painful memories out loud. It helps to lessen the pain when it is shared. You are the first person I have told that story to, it still saddens me to think of her, she was so sweet.Tell as much as you can when you can as I know most people can not get into their souls and truly express in a face to face situation as you do here.We all care that you heal at what is the best time and pace for you. We all want to hear your stories as long as you want to tell them.I visited her site and the more you tell the more I grieve as if I have known her too. She is happy, loved down here and in Jesus' arms.It is you that must heal and know God had plans for Jimma and a time line for her. Perhaps his plan included teaching about love, caring strangers and learning to let her go to be free in her new home.She is happy, safe and well and watching over her family. She is still close to you spiritually because she died so young, she misses her mom and family too. Yet, she is happy.It is you who is now passing a lesson on to the world. How to be brave, how to get through a rough time and being free to express yourself in an honest and true manner. The best gift to me is that through your expressions I feel I am getting to know Jimma too.So so sorry for your pain, it goes deep and can be felt physically at times. Jimma will live forever in the hearts of those who loved her and in my heart too.It is you I wish peace for now. I have put you in the prayer circle my friend attends to help with hand and foot holds up that slippery slope. Don't lose hope if once in a while you fall back and want to give up trying. This is human. Good luck and come back real soon. I could not bear to lose one of my 3 adult children or any of my foster children who are 2-5 now.

Tinman, I well remember your experience!! .....and that you chose to open your heart to me is......weeelllll, I'm at a loss for words to express how deeply it touches my heart!! I must say, though, that I disagree with you! I don't know if you received my answer after you first told me about your niece.....but, I think that, even at such a tender age...you had..and have...the heart of a mother!! That little angel needed a Mommy....and you responded to that need. I hope and pray that you allow yourself the much needed period of time to heal..(it's never too late, is it?)..to acknowledge the God-given 'Mother's heart' and grieve...your sister has her grief...and YOU HAVE YOURS!!!!!..as yet, I'm in no position to give advice in this area...except that I know..with a knowledge that I cannot possess on my own....that healing must begin...and it seems that reaching out, opening up, sharing.....is a beginning of healing and ..hopefully.....growth.......So, please, if you want to share your memories...do so!!!! I'm trying to figure out how to put an interactive page on Jimma's site for this purpose....I'm learning as I go (the computing thing is soo new to me...I need a dummies' book, I think) :)........ There is a space at the bottom of the first page to forum..or..personal email..or...messaging on this site...and journaling .....or discussions......either way, I, for one..will be here for you-----as much as lieth in me, I'll be here... K?...........

Renee,Please.....you never have to apologize to me for sharing your heart!! ....and, who knows whose heart YOU will touch and inspire to share their own personal tragedies?? PLUS.....these things absolutely do exaserbate our 'disorders'.......and, like you've, as well as others on this site...have so generosly told me...shari!ng is healing.......so, unless you really insist, I'd like to leave your words just where you put them.....is that ok with you?

Kathy, you have a generous and giving heart. Yes, if you wish it to stay, by all means, it may stay. My intent is always to leave the other person feeling just a little better (if possible) and little Jimma brought so many things back to my memory. (I hadn't meant to distract from your precious memories, though.)

Those things are many years ago now and I have the advantage of seeing how they changed me, very gradually, for the better. The buckets of tears, the tough times, the empty holes were not mine to understand but to use to fill in with compassion and caring.

All of us who have lost a loved one have holes in our hearts and lives but to lose one so young and innocent must be so much harder. I believe you will come through, gradually getting stronger and with more faith. You have such an abundance of goodness ~ God must have you in mind for something to use it on!

My thoughts and prayers are with all of you grieving for loved ones. I care and my heart is with you. I do believe we will see them again.

Gentle hugs,

Renee

THEN CAME FRIDAY MORNING...

I must take a moment to thank you all for your responses to my journaling. Your outpouring of love ...and the many outstretched arms ready to comfort and embrace have touched my heart deeply.....you have given me much needed strength and the courage to go on...and to try to put words to the bottled-up array of emotions that seem to define me these days.....

I ended the last journal entry with Jimma seeming to be getting better. The experience with the toys really scared me...but I did something I'm pretty good at (unfortunately!!).........I pushed it aside and concentrated on just taking care of my baby.. We did the usual getting ready for bed stuff that Thursday night....and.....as I lay beside her.....it was as though my breathing was shallow....and my vision was blurred......I wanted only to see her getting well. I can still feel her fingers holding to mine....I can still smell the scent of her curly blonde hair..I can still feel the weight of her head as she pressed against my arm..I smell her breath as she's burrowing her face into my bosom.. Around four am...I was holding onto her hand..praying (now this is the thing I'm not sure you'll understand...you see...from the time she was born, I asked God to please not allow her to suffer beyond that she was able to bear!!...all the while, begging for her life with the same breath---and also asking Him to take her rather than allowing her to suffer beyond that she could bear..!)...when my husband spoke up, "Mama, doncha think we need to take her to the hospital?"......he spoke those words just as I was opening my mouth to do the same.....but Daddy wasn't in the habit of suggesting hospitals...sooooo, I jumped up (as much as I could....truly a figure of speech!) and started getting things ready. By the time we were on the road, my Jimma's lips were bluish-white....and when we arrived, it turned out that the doctor that always took care of her had gotten a new partner...who we were supposed to meet at the next appointment...too much time was having to be spent in the getting acquainted mode! .....Jimma was such an extraordinary little girl!!....she never 'presented' as bad as she actually was!!! .....as bloodwork results came in, tho...she was moved from the observation room....to an isolation room....to intensive care! .....it was all happening much toooo fast! Daddy left to go find his angel a new pair of pajamas (she loved getting new clothes..especially from Daddy)....and I was tryig everything I could think of to help her feel better ... but..for the first time in her life!.....she couldn't tolerate being rocked~~~~~she was fighting sooo hard..... I asked her if she wanted to lie on the bed....and I lay beside her, attempting to get a smile from her......it had never failed before.......but she just couldn't seem to cope with the way she was feeling.....so I said, 'Baby do you want your passie?....she opened her beautiful mouth and clamped down hard on that passifier.....pulled her head back...and looked UP.....

You see, from the time she was conceived, Jimma had troubles.......at birth, I recognized pain in her eyes!!...You all know as chronic pain sufferers that it gets pretty easy to recognize real pain in others, right? That precious, innocent little baby would wince in pain when anyone tried to straighten her legs!......It took my breath away to think of such a little one experiencing the kind of pain I deal with! Of course, the doctors didn't understand.....and it seems that what drs. don't understand, they simply write off!!! But I got clear instructions from my Lord to get to know Jimma!!....sooo, I stayed awake for the next 48 hours and didn't leave her side....eyes watching her until they ached. (I had both eyes, then)... my daughter was recovering from an emergency c-section, so me taking care of the baby wasn't an unusual thing....and so .... I really got to know her!!! If it hadn't been for that intense time..I could not have seen the suttle changes which led to Jimma's first emergency hospital stay!

I mentioned bloodwork....her platelets were almost gone..she was bleeding out.....and~~~her white cell count was only about 7....that's why there was no more fever......her little body had nothing to offer in the fight....but her spirit remained soo strong! ...and she kept hanging on...........through the night of Friday, the 18th of September, 2009...

Awe! I just wanted to say I to lost a child she was three months...At the time the pain was unbarable to me. This was a while ago and as hard as it is to open up to other's I want you to know that if you ever need someone to talk to or you just wanna vent please feel free call me...717-343-0779 any time of day or night. I wish you and your the comfort and peace that surpasses all understanding....Shabonna

I am so sorry for your pain your writing made me so sad as a mom i do not want to even imagine so sorry you lost you little angel she sounds like a strong little girl and beautiful too she was lucky to have you and you lucky to have her for whatever amount of time to hug her and comfort her. thinking of you and hoping you are doing better today take care.

I did see that pain in her face (in the photo) ~ it's hard to conceive that in infant should experience that, but she did. You asked God to not allow her to suffer more than she could bear... and He didn't. I'm so very sorry that her not suffering also meant that you do not have her "physically" any more. She is safe in the arms of God ~ you will be reunited with her.

Unimaginable pain ~ hers and now, yours. I'm glad you can begin to work through the pain of telling her story. You are keeping her beautiful memory alive and sharing your shared journey with us enriches us a great deal.

Know that my heart is with you, wish I could give you a 'real' hug... thoughts and prayers are with you.

Renee

A FEW MORE HORRIBLE DETAILS ABOUT 9-18-09

This took place in the isolation room before Jimma was taken to I'm backing up a little, but the memory is too vivid ...I've got to get it out. After realizing I was hurting her more than helping her by trying to rock her....I got up from the rocking chair holding her toned rigid little body in my arms...she was wrestling sooo with the pain!....agony such as I'd never seen in her before....So I thought, Lord, how do I help he..¦and I lay her on the bed, making room for Mama beside her. Always... She wanted her Mama by her side when she wasn't feeling her best even if she didn't want to interact.....she just needed me there. This time was different .. in every way!....all I could do was hear my spirit whisper a prayer, Show me how to help her, dear Lord...(that old, familiar prayer rose from the depths of my soul almost continually the first year of Jimma's life then.....Her beloved pacifier came to mind..I said, Baby? Does Mama's baby girl want her passie?....She looked at it as I started to play ˜the game....she shook her head no.. (to the game)....so I said .....ok sweet angel mine, Mommy won˜t play....she opened her mouth as I guided it to her then she clamped down hard on her pacifier...pulling her head back.. she looked up" ...I spoke soothingly to her, trying with all I possessed to comfort her. I stroked her hair..until I saw that familiar wince and realized that even the gentle touch of her Mama's hand seemed to hurt her. ....she couldn't tolerate even the things she loved most--not being rocked, where, as we cuddled she would always hold tightly to my fingers and burrow her face in my chestâ€¦.not having me lay next to her. ..not so this time...Then I thought about how even the slightest movement of the mattress would cause me pain when I was in a flare-up. So I got off the bed and stood at her side..praying..talking softly to her. .....until

Any other time, I would be ever so aware of her stats.....not so this tim.... as my eyes were glued on my Jimma..taking her in...searching for some way to help...praying again, Lord, not more than she can bear...please Lord, comfort her. Next thing I knew, a team of medical professionals was gathering around .. Someone took me by the elbow, a nurse, I think..gently guiding me away from her side. I resisted a little, but something inside me warned that I shouldn˜t get in the way.....So I stood by...watching....praying.....it was soo surreal.....my mind unable to accept what my heart understood. Then they sent me into the hallway while they sedated her (making her comfortable, they said) and they intubated her..... It took all the strength I could gather not to burst into the room and grab her up...I could 'see' myself running away from that aweful place with her in my arms. Maybe they sensed this, because the next thing I knew, there were nurses on either side of me...escorting me into that room.....where my family waited.....I could hear myself wailing....crying out to my God....It was as though I was hearing a stranger....my mind and my body seemed to separate....(I don't know how else to explain it) .....I heard my voice pleading for my baby's life. So many times before this prayer was answered with a resounding 'yes'.....Please, God, one more time...please.....Then.....I heard the voice say "Lord, Your Will be done.... Opening my eyes....struggling to gather my wits....I realized that it was my voice I had heard!! It was me saying it again..Lord, not my will but Thine be done.. for a moment ...for a real moment...I wanted to scream NOOOOO......I want her here¦!! I want MY will!!!...then ..a sweet, gentle spirit comforted my crazed, fearful soul..Peace came and I truly meant it when I whispered. Jesus, not my will..Lord she.s always been Yours....thank You for my time with her...so, if .. And only if..it is your will....I want her with me here on earth a little longer, please. please.. Nevertheless....have Your perfect way.

Things get a bit hazy here....it seemed to take soo long for me to get to back to Jimma's side. When I saw her again, she had tubes in her...a machine breathing for her¦..her eyes were glazed over¦. How was I supposed to handle this? They wouldn't even allow me to hold her....they warned over and over again that I could kill her by accidentally dislodging the tubing....I had spent every waking moment protecting this child!!...watching over her!!...there was one very young girl that came in to the room when I was alone with Jimma and very hatefully told me to leave her alone...did I want to kill her?... I wanted to strangle her...I know it was only my God's grace that made me recognize her youth...and her insensivity was probably due to her having a bad day...(that really did cross my mind...making me slow to anger..I'm soo glad) And the meetings!!! Those aweful meetings!!! The first one was in her room....and I was thinking, SHUT UP!!shutupshutupshutup..SHE CAN HEAR YOU!! Remember I told you earlier that Jimma's amazing doctor was out of town? This man didn't know us.....he didn't know her!... But I let him tell me what he thought I needed to know and when he was finished I said to him ..This is MY baby!!..you had better NOT give up on her!! I felt ashamed as I watched his face contort...his expression went from shock to dismay to earnest concern and he spoke the words.....I promise to do all I can for her.. After that, he didn't hide his emotions...his genuine concern and feelings of inadequacy......(Do I need to go back and apologize to that doctor?) I thanked him before we left....but that just doesn't seem to be enough...

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Bless Your Heart! I can only imagine what you are going through. I almost lost my husband in January. He was in Renal and Liver failure, on a vent and the Dr.s gave him no hope. When you are in the midst of something so painful, you do feel like you are dreaming. I call it feeling Disconnected. There are a couple of certain memories about that time, that were sooo vivid, the pain felt unbearable. As time goes on, its not as painfully vivid as it once was. God is ALWAYS faithful. We go through so many emotions in difficult times.Stress, fear,sadness, anger, hope, desperation ,disappointment etc. Im sure that that is one thing that Dr.s expect and understand. So; dont be so hard on yourself. To me, you wouldnt have asked if you needed to apologize to that Dr. if you didnt feel convicted. Some times we have to do things inspite of ourselves, bc its the right thing to do. I think sending a card just to let him know how much you appreciate him and his care, would cover it."Trust in the Lord with all your heart,and do not rely on your own understanding" Proverbs 3:5. I just pray that God continue to bless you and your family with strength and comfort. :))

Dear Catpurr,How is your husband now? very selfishly speaking...I hope that's one mountain I never have to climb!!..we've had some very close calls, I'm so thankful he's still here with me....even when he makes me so agitated I could stangle him...he's my pal!!! I'm soo glad you still have yours with you!! And yes, God is ALWAYS faithful!!! ....tho His answer may not be exactly what we want to hear, He is always right .. and always right on time. I think sending that doctor a card would be a good thing! I'm ashamed to admit that I haven't found the strength to send any cards yet...I must do it soon...

Sweet Butterfly-The wound of losing your little one is still so fresh. It is super that you are writing about it. There is nothing any of us can say to ease your pain. But having watched my mom and dad die, and my husband's sister dying when she was 17 I have some experience as to what people go through when we so untimely lose our loved ones ( not that there ever is a good time) I would love to hear your whole story. It might be good for you to write it from beginning to end, if nothing else just to journal it. Sometimes just by writing or saying the words will make you come to at least a little more understanding of why things happen why they do. I don't know what Inspire policies are about exchanging email addresses, let me know, as I am new here. Maybe since we are friends, we can exchange emails, anyway if possible, write whatever you want, pour your heart out - it might take awhile, but it might prove to be good for you. And I am able to listen and care. Let me know what you find out.VT

Mybutterfly,I am so very sorry to hear of your sad loss I can understand how you must be feeling,there is nothing anyone can do except feel for you and hope you find strength to come to terms with the loss of your loved one. God bless you........casagrande

I'm sorry yours are so very painful. I hope that the Lord will bring you comfort this time of year, as you remember your daughter.

Try and focus on the Jimma that brings light to your eyes, maybe not so much the memories that bring us tears. I realize those need to be acknowledged too, though, so God Bless you in your journey this year. You have my contact if you wish to talk, email etc.

My husband is great! and trust me, it definately has been the most painful, difficult thing I ever could have imagined. When he went back to the Dr. for a ck up, everything; his liver his kidneys, blood work etc. was perfectly normal. It truly is a miracle! We have always been very close and communicate well. We have 2 teenage daughters, and have been married 20 yrs. At the time of his incident, we were going through some very stressful times. God is so awesome. I look back and think "wow" we made it through that! Only bc God carried us through it. I held on to this verse; "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed,for I am your God.I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" Isaiah 41:10. Stay strong and know that you have alot of support

THE NIGHT OF THE 18TH of September, 2009

My husband stayed out in the waiting room with the other children..I, as usual, stayed with Jimma. ..during those dark hours, I knelt by her bedside..praying...for strength to do this impossible thing!! ...this thing that every fiber of my being risisted...how could I let my baby gooo?....It's not as though I really believed I had a choice!!..hadn't my loving Lord given me so many 'signs'....told me in a variety of ways that her perfected time was here? ...."speaking 'seven is perfection' to my soul at her birth?...reminding me gently over and again as I held tightly to her?.....the way He spoke to me ''there's something special about the 19th'' , when September came around..(even making sure there were witnesses so that my natural instincts wouldn't deny the truth)....how my mind went to her toys ..sorting them?? ....still....how could I take another breath without her in my arms?...those arms that had already begun to ache with her absence....I held her hand in mine as I told her of her aunt Glenda, my dear sister who had gone Home in May, 2008...and, Jimma, mawmaw's over there where Jesus is....remember how we often talked about how different things will be in Heaven? Those little legs will finally do what you want them to, honey...you'll be able to run..and play...and raise you little hands and praise, the way your heart wants to!!...you'll be able to sing the songs of glory that you've held so dearly to.... I told my baby that she didn't have to worry about taking care Mommy and Daddy anymore (trying so hard not to let her hear my tear soaked .. pounding heart) ...I said sweet angel mine, you can go if you want to...if you need to...if you're ready.... We'll be just fine....your cousins...your brother .. your sister.....aunts and uncles and friends....those that came to help you ..that you ended up being such a big help to....we'll take the strength you've imparted and Jesus will help us!!!....besides, it won't be long before we'll all be together again. I said thank you to my angel for being ours...thank you for fighting so hard and for being so willing to suffer in this life for awhile....I thanked my little angel for showing me what unconditional love can do...how it can jumpstart healing..and cause understanding to flourish....and for accepting each member of her family as individuals and teaching us to love a little better....to appreciate what we have a bit more...for showing us by example that we don't have to be swallowed up in the agony of 'don't have' and 'can't do'!!!!...I took several hours that night to tell my seven year old little darling how very special she would always be.....and even though I knew she knew this better than any of us, I reminded her of her very own special angels....the ones she had interacted with her entire life...

You see...Jimma never lost that initial interaction that every newborn baby I've ever known has had...have you seen how they will seem to look beyond what our eyes can see and be entertained by beings unseen by most adults? ...Jimma..all her life..would look beyond what is a dark glass to us.. It was as though her special friends danced for her..played with her..comforted her when things got bad. ....and were just simply her friends... She would look at me as though she couldn't understand why ol' Mommy couldn't 'see' and 'hear'. Often I'd say to her..'Who is that, Jimma?' ..who are you talking to...what are they doing?..can you tell Mommy?.....as time progressed, I just accepted it...and she would throw her head back....laugh...and look UP....and enjoy her special time with her friends.....

Finally, I took the nurses advice and lay on the sofa for a while....the aweful taste of the putrid gunk that was filling my lungs kept torturing me....robbing me of my breath as I coughed.....this is how my baby feels, I was thinking......It was the next morning that the test results showed H1N1....and they made everyone wear masks. I refused .. I don't really know why .. except that I had never been afraid of my baby and I would not start now!! ...it may not make sense, but what does?

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`Hon, some of those things we never make sense of because the tragedy of our lives is so hard to make sense of...there's just some stuff that we can't.

I had an experience where I witnessed a shooting, and we were all hiding from the gunman, but the unfortunate who couldn't get away in time, were out in the hallway, wounded...and when we started out to help them, I stopped the five people who'd been hiding in the room with me and made them all put on rubber gloves. I can't explain it, and I even have felt guilty for it, I just felt like, "Wow, these peoplel were out there bleeding from gunshot wounds, and you are telling them to put on gloves...." But it was the right thing to do-and you know, Kathy, by that time, it would probably not have made the difference for her...she was with Jesus, and He was holding her other hand.

Don't blame yourself, don't look back and ask, "What if?" It only serves to create pain....and you've had enough of that.

You have discovered a beautiful way to deal with your tragic loss. Your writing so deeply and with such excruciating detail and feeling brings it all alive for me. I can see what you describe and pain tightens my stomach to think what you must have gone through.You are incredibly strong and bring Jimma alive for me as she was, I can see her as you describe her.

She was a special angel only loaned out for a little while to teach all the things you talked off. Jimma was an angel in life and is now back with her family she loves as dearly as she loves yours who still live.

Now Jimma can greet others who pass and with great joy show them the beauty she lives in, the peace, the love of Jesus. She will run and jump to proudly show you she is whole again. No pain.

You definitely inspire me with your ability to speak so well of such a deep, deep pain. Thank you for bringing Jimma into our lives and keep talking as it is very healing. Jimma is so full of joy and happiness she wants those feelings for her family here too. She wishes nothing but the happiness for you as she enjoys right now.

Don't be sad mama she says I am so happy here, I miss you but know this is how it must be and it is good.

Dear JJ.....what a horrible experience!!!...to witness such a dark side of humanity and still have the compassion to advise those around you to protect themselves!!......and you're right about the 'what ifs'...it's just that I can't seem to avoid them right now...That's not how I usually handly things, so I don't understand it at all.....maybe some day....but I will work on taking your advice. Thank you for sharing your experience!!....it couldn't have been easy. That you care really shows!!

Dear Tinman,As usual, you are so very kind...thoughtful and encouraging!! ..I'm so glad that you can know my Jimma!!....I believe you would have been one of those that she smiled at..and loved!! Speaking of Jimma's abilities...there's something I want to share soon....might make me sound a bit crazy!.....a bit too late to worry about that, tho, huh? lol.....also, you really touched me with your quote from her....thank you my friend!

Hello, I am new to this site, having read your writing it is very touching and also very comforting, having lost my first child at the age of 3 12 years ago and the second he would have been 3 in Jan 2011 but he fell a sleep on 28th of September 2010, I have a daughter who is fit and healthy thank god she is 8 years old now, the pain is undescribable, it is true time is a healer but for us the healed wounds for my first born have opened up again too, the first time arround it was only me and my husbund who were hurting, when we lost our first one we felt if we had another child of our own the pain would not be so sever the emptyness would not be so bad becuse we could hold our other child/children close to us to comfort us, like you say the arms long to hold and hart aches it feels like there is a hole left in you, despite the fact this time I have my daughter to cuddle and hold but it doesnt fill the gap he has left. This time it is even more difficult at least first time arround it was only me and my husband greaving but now I am more worried about my 8 year old daughter who addored her brother, he was her life, but since he has gone she does not want to talk about him, she can't bear the subject being bought up. Any advice from any one would be much appreciated on how to support her through this difficult time.Reading your writing helps to know what I am feeling is normal for any one who has lost a child.

THE JOURNEY OF A THOUSAND MILES...

They say that a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step----for me, it begins with a thought. It seems that I am forever 'thinking' .. it's been my life!! Eventually the thought solidifies into a decision...but not until it's be rolled over...mulled....turned this way and that way....twisted....sorted...put right again....then thought about some more.... The thing I've learned in my 53 years is that .. tho it takes a while to get there .. once the decision has been made there is no turning back!! To change my mind...oooo...I'd rather tackle an obstinate mule!! (o---that would be meee) ......

So, back to the journey! I'm talking about that ominous mountain I'm attempting to climb. There is no way, in planning a journey, to know what lies between point A and point B. ....from the beginning to the reaching of one's destination...there are many surprises along the way. Speaking for myself..I've never found a road without twists and turns...and many unforseen rocks on which to bruise my wearied feet. But...noboby said it'd be easy...did they? Something happened at my house .. I won't get into it right now .. but, it has brought much pain .. much sorrow .. for it involves Jimma's sister. But I've decided to simply keep trusting Jesus..He's holding my broken heart securely in the palm of His loving hand..He's never failed me...He won't start now! As for the eye? Thank you, dear friends, for being so kind and understanding when I begin to ramble...searching for the words to convey the turmoil in my soul. It sometimes feels like I've been thrown into the middle of the ocean, only to find that I cannot swim! This journey....this slippery mountainside I'm climbing on.....called grief.....It cannot be faced in only its own merit....Life has to 'go on'.....'stuff' has to clutter the path I'm traveling. This EYE .. this eye that cannot see .this eye so filled with pain.... clutters my path. Soooo, I'm making...nooo...I have made...a decision!!! Whether I go to Heaven with one eye.....or without vision at all....as long as I get to that wonderful new Home....It's gonna be OK..... Jesus really does know just what I need!! He really does care and watch over me....His love doesn't wax or wane...it's constant!! and true!! So I can't say just what lies ahead...whether I'll get a glass eye?...another surgery?.....transplant?....or perhaps even a miracle like the one on my left eye .. My choice is to find contentment and trust in my awesome God. My choice is to keep pressing forward. I am determined to reach my goal....I want to help others along the way......so I'm willing to press hard....even tho it means I might slip (as some of you have so lovingly warned might happen)...I'll just get myself up....dust off...and continue on......

And somehow...in the midst of life...at the heart of who I am now....pain still thrives!! .....But, if grief can't beat me.....then ..PAIN (and all you friends)..neither will you....

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dear Kathy,i believe that it really helps to express our thoughts, griefs, dreams, hopes on paper..........you and i think so much alike.......the word says, without a vision my people persish.......we all must embrace our vision, our dreams and keep them alive in our hearts.............you write so well, i wish that i could express myself as well as you do..........God bless you tonight honey........may you feel his gentle hand on your forehead as you sleep.........angels all around.......love and prayers, susie

MY goodness Kathy. wowie. I think a lot of us think alike/and you do express it so well. Odd,I have been so down today and now it is 2:30 a.m.(just baked a cake)/ my honey will be off of work at 3:00 and be home shortly after/ YOu know Kathy, I really do appreciate you and all my friends on here too! I have gotten in such a rutt that all i do is complain or moan about myself and how bad I feel/ You are so right on/// climb one mountain after another. Baby steps... just relax, live life for the moment. I really do get tired of hearing it, guess I am just tired. And the funny thing is, I know that God is in the picture some where but I have not felt him in my life for a while/ "God woke me up this morning", and even tho I do not know my purpose here, in my heart, I know he is right beside me/OH well, now I am rambling/// I keep trying to tell myself that I am ok, but the more I think about it the more depressed I get/ any way, take care, and God Bless.your friend, Cindy

Some rough days here, too... one step at a time, we know we can and have to do it. (PIck our way slowly and carefully among all the pitfalls on so many days...)

I'm sorry something has occurred that has hurt you deeply. When those things happen to me, I have to remember that I can't control what others say and do, I can only control my own actions and behavior. You know in your heart that you are a loving and kind woman, doing your best. None of us can be perfect and when the "junk" happens, we have to let it go, give it to God. The Serenity Prayer is often my guide ~ I try to determine if there is anything I can/should do and if not, I have to let it go.

Beautiful how you express the journey up the mountain and I am pleased you have made this choice. When you get to the top you may find it to have been a climb of just letting go. When you start to descend from the mountain you may find this to be like a void and you may feel the emptiness within. I say this because human nature abhors a vacuum. This emptiness may feel like defectiveness and a fearful hole. It will feel liberating, yet there will be something within that wants to put the superficial aspects of your personality back on. Yet in your climb or your descent it is not a measure of failure or even your success rather it seems to be the spark of your soul. Then in this spark with your soul you will find it just a place to begin, begin to truly put God first before the yourself. This place will have no fear and your faith will allow God to fill the void. It will even allow you to die on a cross, asking for nothing in return, just the gift of Presence.

WOW...you know what? I just love you guys! REALLY....Susie...Renee...Cindy Thanks, dear friends!! ... I really needed what you've had to say! and BarO, you really seem to be a poet in hiding...am I right? ...you speak with such depth!! ...

SAYING GOODBYE...

I've been dreading this post...this part of the sharing....... the hardest part, I think, of the mountain climb I've begun...Is there really healing ahead as I struggle to share..... There's my Jimma .... lying there...on the hospital bed...the machine jolting her fragile little body..pushing air in and out of her worn out lungs. The H1N1 virus had taken its toll on her already compromised immune system. That's why there was no fever with the secondary infection. The doctor was calling us in for meetings on a regular basis...giving updates...saying the things nobody ever wants to hear. After one of these meetings, I went into her room... Family members had begun to gather.. the room was getting full. I knelt by her bedside.. and was just talking to her.. saying the things familiar to her...whispering often shared secrets into her ear...holding her little hand...memorizing how her fingers felt wrapped around my finger...her tiny hand inside my hand....and.. Inside my head, I was wondering...asking God .. 'Can my baby still hear me..can my baby still understand?' Her eyes were soo glazed over from the meds given to 'keep her comfortable'...

There was a game we used to play....I can smile as I remember how I'd tickle her belly..stopping at various spots to ask.."Can Mommy kiss this spot?....how about here?....and here?" This would continue until she'd kick her feet..throw her head back laughing..and get chill bumps all over!, which she insisted I rub away..... :)

I lifted Jimma's purple pajama top .... and ran my finger over her little belly...tracing the scar that went all the way across--remembering that horrible agonizing surgery that had left it there-- ..asking, 'Can Mommy have this kiss? ..right here? ..right here? and here?' ....kissing her belly until...........chill bumps broke out all over!!!! I said, 'OK, sweet baby girl....Mommy will stop now' and I did what I always had done....I rubbed the chills away.. and that's how I knew......

YES!! Jimma could hear me! .. yes...she understood! ......She was aware that Mommy was there... she knew I had not left her!! and....I am forever grateful to my wonderful, compassionate Lord for giving me that 'sign'..... Only He knew how much I would need to know this in the lonely days that lay ahead.....

Later that day... September 19th, 2009.....I was in her room..alone with my darling angel. I could 'feel' her...she was soo tired...yet she was holding on..not willing to leave us! I stood at the foot of her bed...remembering, how that when she had to have her breathing treatments...being hooked to the machine at home that caused her little body to jump. a small version of the machine that rocked her so violently now....it was supposed to help keep her lungs clear, and she was supposed to get 30 minutes at a time. But Jimma couldn't tolerate it...we had to cut it down to five minutes at a time...given more frequently during the day, and even that would make her so tired... Then....As I was remembering......it was as though her little spirit cried out to me..."Enough, Mommy.......enough...... " Soo...With my heart pounding sooo hard I could barely take a breath, I prayed..... "Jesus, my angel won't leave on her own...Will you please come and take her Home? If it's her time, Lord....if she's not going to get better.....she's had enough..she can't take anymore, Lord.....and I can't turn it off for her to rest...I can't make it easier for her, Lord....please have her special angels...her friends who she's played with her whole life....those she knows so well....those whom you gave charge over her.....please have them escort her..........please take my baby Home..."

The room started to spin.....things were coming in and out of focus....I staggered to the doorway... I felt my baby leaving......

I was trying to catch my breath...I had made my way to the outside of the door to her room and ... As I looked up, the doctor caught my eye...He had been looking at her monitor...He mouthed the words, 'We need to have a meeting.....now' ... I remember shaking my head no....I was thinking I needed juice (crazy isn't it)....I was thinking juice would keep me from passing out. But..her nurse...a kind, very strong woman....took me by the elbow...and began guiding me...I told her I need juice...she took me to the refreshment room where I gathered as much juice as I could (never did drink any)....then to the meeting room. This time the whole family was there. My daughter was asking questions...I wanted her to shut up!! ....the doctor avoided my eyes....I kept wishing he would just stop talking... I only wanted to get back to Jimma....

Finally, we were told to let everybody say goodbye ....did we want to?....before they unhooked Jimma? That room....upon entering, I gasped at the enormity of it all ....the room was filled with a holy presence! My friend came up to me and whispered, 'The Spirit of the Lord is in this place'.....INDEED!!!....I asked for..and received....such a measure of strength!!! I stood at the left side of the head of her bed, touching her...stroking her hair....Everyone lined up on the right side...and in turn...said whatever they needed to say....Then, as the doctor came to pull out the tubing and make the pronouncement...my grandchildren began to sing..."AS FAR AS THE EAST IS FROM THE WEST...ONE NAIL SCARRED HAND TO THE OTHER" ....they sang....their hearts were breaking and they gave her one last gift....they sang to their Jimma...I still can't comprehend the strength of those children....but they knew how much Jimma loved to hear them sing. and...then... the machine went silent.....

I let everybody hold her that wanted to....I told them that when it was my turn, I wouldn't let go .. Sooo tenderly, as I watched...each one kissed their last kiss...hugged her for the last time... then handed my angel to me... As her head rested on my shoulder, I thought this is what it would have felt like if she could have relaxed her body...

I couldn't leave her...not alone in the hospital! I had never left her...I wasn't going to start now. So I rocked her....and talked to her...as my daughter and friend sat by ..

I always told my Jimma things...like what to expect at appointments....or we'd plan things together. ...just like most mothers do...we talked about everything.. I had been planning to get a van....one that we could go riding in.... So now..I had to tell her those plans had changed. I said, ''Baby, I know you're not in your little body anymore, but I've gotta tell you this anyway. You know that van we were gonna get? Well, looks like it's not gonna happen now" I was looking directly into her face as I talked to her, the way I had done since she was born. "I think I'll tell Daddy that Mommy needs a car now, OK?" .....then I heard astonished voices shouting these words.."SHE'S SMILING!!" ..as my own eyes saw......her little blue lips....SMILE.....

Tho it may be very hard to believe....This is the truth!! .....there are witnesses other than myself!!There aren't many people who can say they got that which soo many ask for ... one last hug ... one last conversation .. one last kiss .. one .. last .. SMILE ......WHAT A PRECIOUS GIFT!!

So, now, even though I don't have that car yet, I know there's one that is meant for me! I don't have to be able to afford it!!...somehow, it will come!! A car that I can use to visit kids in the hospital who have no one to rock them or read to them.....I have to volunteer my services.. somehow I have got to help.. And my vision won't interfere either!! I say this by faith!! I say this because I know that the things I learned while caring for my little angel are not in vain...they are to be passed on!!......they are to be shared!!

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I remember standing with my sister around my mother's deathbed. She took her last breath, and we continued standing and watching. Then in amazement, I said to my sister, "Can you see? Her spirit is leaving us now. . . ." and so it did, as we watched and witnessed.

I am not a religious person in the churchgoing sense, but how reassuring, how awe-inspiring it was to watch the spirit slowly disengage from a worn-out body. As it did with a smile from your sweet daughter's tired body.

I just wanted to let you know That I am very happy that you had the time you did with Jimma.; /Everytime you write I just can't help myself from crying in a way with you. \I am so glad that you got to spend the last moments of Jimma's life here on earth with her and start her out with a great beginnnig in the spiritual world where I hope there is no pain for Jimma and nothing for her to worry about.

Prayers to you and your family to get through this sad, sad time in your life.

your butterfly has spread her wings! Be sure to give yourself the gift to take a time-out for honoring. Honor yourself for having the courage and commitment to spending the past year of her life in conscious living. Honor all your feelings that have emerged as this year progressed. Honor all the people who have supported you. There is no such thing as a chance meeting, or the encounter with a certain person at a certain time....there are no coincidences or accidents. Pause to appreciate everything you have done---for where you are and where you've been---look forward now to where you want to go next. What heartsong hums quietly in you waiting to be brought with full voice? This piece of poetry, literature, diary....was part of that grand vision that inspired you. The work you have done the past year marks a birth within you, to honor the death of pain and suffering. Celebrate! Everything happens the way it is supposed to; we don't know why, we can't always understand. But one thing for sure, there is a higher power in control that spurs you onward in the path of caring for those living treasures you will find in the future. Honor is the reward for what one gives.... I honor you for honoring your little butterfly. Love, Susie

Susie, what a beautiful way you have with words!...and how you inspire me go continue on in this heart breaking journey. Thanks to you all, my dear friends.....I have no words to express my gratitude that you've opened your hearts to me and allowed me to open mine in a way I've never before done....

dear kathy,oh what a beautiful experience,,,,,,,,,i love the way you share your heart..........and i do mean straight from the heart................when we lost logan there was no time to say goodbye................i know it hurt terrible to see her in the final hours...........but she was so full of gifts of love and you will always have these for keeps!!! love and prayers, susie

It breaks our hearts to let go of someone we love, but she gave you strength in her last moments. She has now turned the page to begin another journey of peace and joy that she had never felt. She has all eternity to wait for you to be by her side, but for now she will just be a lovely spirit watching over you all. Another Angle is born.

Dear Kathy,What a beautiful story. Sad but written with such love and feeling. Your "butterfly" was such a special child and so lucky to have you as her caregiver. Please know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of many. You have let us all know with such feeling just what this child meant to you. Peace to you,Rosemary

Thank you all so very much....and, Jaymac, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I understand what you're saying! About a month after my Jimma went Home, I held a newborn baby of a dear friend in my arms as she breathed her last breath on this earth and began her journey in her new home.....it was truly an honor....but extremely hard...thank you for sharing....

Hi Kathy - as always your words of Jimma's passing are so close to those of my brothers; as I've shared with you. Even down to the prayer you offered asking ". . .Jesus to please come and take her she's ready . . had enough . .". They were so close the my own words that day. I've been to your site often, watching it grow . . Jimma would be proud!many blessings my friend,