I Haven't Had Sex in Almost a Year, and It's Been Great. Here's Why

(*”Sex,” by the way, means vaginal. I have engaged in oral sex more recently, but I’ve since renounced that too.)

Some people say I’ll regret this decision. Maybe, but at the moment, I’m just being honest with myself about what feels right and what doesn’t. The truth is, my current sex life is better without sex. Let me explain why.

I'm not a 40-year-old virgin, but being one doesn't sound half bad.

The Three Reasons People Have Sex and Why I Don’t Care About Two of Them

There are three main reasons people—especially guys; especially single guys—have sex. For me, the first two are irrelevant.

1) Physical satisfaction: I have an average sex drive, but it’s not something I crave or need on a regular basis. When I do have urges, masturbation is usually gets the job done. (See what I did there???)

2) An ego boost: I’m confident enough in my attractiveness and desirability and therefore don’t need constant sex to validate either. Despite insecurities and occasional feelings of loneliness or inadequacy, I don’t turn to sex as a remedy.

3) Intimacy and connection: This is the most, maybe the only, important thing.

Why I’m Not Having Sex

It continues to lack intimacy and connection. Instead of making me fulfilled, sex has made me feel empty, for two main reasons.

1) I feel bad for me: There exists a misogynistic double standard and pervading cultural notion that for men, sex is supposed to be a source of pride, and for women, a source of shame. (Look no further than the now-ubiquitous term “slut-shaming.”) Society tells me having sex will make me feel better about myself. In reality, when I have unfulfilling sex, I feel like I’ve devalued myself by giving something important to someone who doesn’t deserve it.

2) I feel bad for her: I don't often crave the aforementioned physical satisfaction or ego boost, but when I do, those desires manifest themselves in insipid ways. I hate to admit it, but I use people. And, because I’m a good person, I often don’t realize I’m doing it until it’s done. It’s bizarre: I invest time, money, and energy in courting a girl and genuinely convince myself I like her. Then, we hook up and—bam!—just like that, I realize the whole thing was a sham, a lie I’d been telling myself. I didn't actually like her at all. I regret it immediately. It feels wrong. Shameful. Disgusting. I deserve better than that—and, more important, so does she.

That Said, My Sex Life Is Better Without Sex

I realize I’d been having selfish sex. I was focused on how it felt to me and consumed by pressure to perform. I was concerned with my own pleasure and feelings of adequacy.

Now, my sex life is more selfless, romantic, communicative, playful, expressive, and connected than it’s been in a long time. It’s less about genitals and more about full-body sensation and sensitive areas that are less frequently explored: noses, necks, fingers, and backs. Kissing, anyone?

Beyond the physical aspect, we’re able to connect on a deeper, more profound level. It feels important and rich, not petty and cheap. Without the pressure to perform or the goal of climax, we can enjoy the journey. How about this beautiful paradox: Not having sex both creates more comfort and cultivates more intrigue than sex. I don’t feel like I’m giving or taking anything one of us didn’t deserve. The stakes are lower and, another paradox, the intimacy higher.

That’s what matters to me. With the right girl and the right circumstances, things will change. Until then, I’ll keep doing what I’m not doing.

Questions? Thoughts? I’m eager to hear your reactions and clarify the best I can. Have at me!