Debunking The “Only Men Are Visual” Myth

Editor’s Note: I’ve spoken with so many women who ask, “What is wrong with me??” right after admitting their pull towards sex or the male (or female) form. As if only men were the ones allowed to desire the sensual or beautiful. I can assuredly tell you that nothing is wrong with you. And I’m so grateful for Kait Wright and her words today. Kait blogs at a alovelyforgotten.tumblr.com. – Lauren

Sometimes I can’t stand ‘Relationship’ books. I want to use the author’s own creation to beat the tar out of them yelling, “You don’t know me!” in some ghetto slang that’s hood-worthy.

This is the curse I suppose, of being an abnormal woman in the marital world. You see, most material suggests that men are image driven while women are emotional. But in my case?

My husband can wash all the dishes we own, tell me how great I look, and save a baby from a runaway train, but it still won’t have the effect I experience while watching him change the oil in our car shirtless.

According to these books, I’m a cold-hearted mutant. Apparently the male physique in all of its glory isn’t supposed to impact my hormones as a romantic dinner should.

The interesting part of my theoretical alienation from the female masses is that I have a sneaking suspicion I’m not alone. And that is not a reference to a few closet ‘horndogs’ out there.

I’m suggesting that we’ve been playing along in this mystical fairyland where women are all but immune to visual aids. And the majority of Christians have adopted it.

Well, fancy that… because I just found proof that they are wrong.

“Magic Mike”, an explosive Testosterone-Fest of a film, was released this past month. In a nutshell, there are men sculpted like Greek gods ‘shakin’ their groove thang’ every which way imaginable, all for the sake of a strip club’s female patrons’ delight. It made 40 million in three days.

Oh yeah, we don’t get off on the male body at all.

I don’t think that sipping a large Pepsi or popping M&M’s disguises it well either.

In a practical sense, “So what? We are women, right? We aren’t like men, it’s not the same. It’s not supposed to be.”

Wrong.

You can’t split humanity down the middle and make generalized statements based purely on which side you fall on. We can be exactly like men.

The worst part is that we don’t have the integrity to be honest about it. Hollywood doesn’t need our admission to confirm what they already know. Producers are making billions off of our denial as we speak.

I don’t know where leaders in our communities got the notion that us chicks aren’t affected by similar things that so obviously haunt men, but I must say – it was an irresponsible assumption. Yes, we are complex creatures, and to varying degrees are influenced by kindness and loving tendencies when it comes their promotion of our libido. But to turn a blind eye to an unacknowledged ingredient in our wiring is beyond just unwise. In fact, it’s doing criminal-level damage.

When we choose to silently pretend immunity to the consequences of visual stimulation, we literally rob ourselves of two co-existing truths:

We can be equally stirred by physicality. And secondly: We are just as susceptible to lust as men are.

The importance on the first truth is so elementary, it baffles me how oblivious some are to the female psyche. When we live in denial as to how we are motivated sexually, we are not only lying to ourselves, but to our mates. How can my husband speak to all of my facets, if he isn’t even aware of them? Especially if he was raised in an environment where this reality has been continually neglected.

No wonder most men don’t go to the gym after 30. Why would they, when they think their wives only get off on a nice card, flowers, and a lobster dinner? Those things are really appreciated, of course. I’m just speculating that it’s irrefutably unfair to passively allow our partners to believe that visual qualities have minimal weight, while we’re secretly seeing ‘Magic Mike’ with our girlfriends for a Ladies Night Out, or watching the trailer five times in a row.

We are stealing a potentially powerful element from our marriages, and sharing it freely with blockbuster.

Worse actually, because we are paying ten dollars for it while our husbands sit at home, clueless to the lure of Channing Tatum’s man thong. (So I’ve heard, at least.)

The second truth, which carries immeasurably more significance in our lives, is the one I am more concerned with. If we opt to feign irrelevance to the fact that women are prone to physically-triggered lust, remaining ignorant of the likely consequences that come with it, we are robbing ourselves of the capability to act against those consequences. A soldier can’t fight against something he doesn’t acknowledge, and neither can we.

What gets me so riled up is that many authors completely ignore the countless testimonies of our own susceptibility. The Bible refers to a woman’s lust plenty of times. In fact, God uses a lustful woman the majority of the time in analogies of Israel’s unfaithfulness. It’s not a “wayward husband looking at ‘nudey pics’” that God painted, it was a woman as in Jeremiah 2:24:

“You are like a wild donkey,

sniffing the wind at mating time.

Who can restrain her lust?

Those who desire her don’t need to search,

for she goes running to them!”

I don’t think that the women in these analogies were panting after men for their kind words, or because they liked roses. Bare feminine lust is just as a powerful propeller for women as it is for men.

I love when the Bible proves the modern world wrong, and that it’s relevant in our culture. The last time we went to see a movie, my husband and I walked past a line of women waiting to catch their glimpse of Mathew McConaughey’s booty. And ironically, they embodied the point Jeremiah made at the end of this verse. They stood in the middle of the theater like a jittery, sex-craved pack of hyenas in the middle of heat.

The point, my lovely hyenas, isn’t that our animal-like response to ‘studly’ men is inherently wrong. The point is that if we don’t accept that side of ourselves, then how will we prevent Satan from coming and tainting it for his own agenda?

The longer we separate femininity from the mental wanderings of men to the extent of denial, the more time he has to use our secret like a pin cushion. Stabbing it with shameful pins until we have no choice but to bury it, or simply give it away. Until we come to terms with the ‘caged animal’, we won’t be willing to accept Christ’s forgiveness, His guidance, His understanding, or His liberty.

The worst kind of bondage is one where the captive cannot admit it exists, and therefore cannot be freed.

I don’t think there’s anything special about ‘Mike’ at all. I think that there is something special about you. A hidden chemical makeup both powerful, yet just as sensitive to the images our culture wishes to drown it in. I’m suggesting, or rather urging, that we buck up and acknowledge the truth. We can be the wild hyena, but keeping her on a leash for our spouse is a choice that requires boundaries. That way, when we let her run free, there is no shame. Only shared opportunity to be the complex, wonderfully intoxicating beings God created us to be.

i couldn’t agree more. in fact, i think my husband is surprised sometimes by the times i can’t take my eyes off him or just stare admiringly/longingly at him. but honestly, this is why gender stereotypes bother me. i had to unlearn so many things when i got married: men want sex all the time. men prefer sex with the lights on. sex is a burden for girls. guess what? sometimes i want sex and he doesn’t. sometimes i want the lights on because he turns me on so much! and these are all things I never read from any of our books on sex. so…there’s that.

YES!!!!!!!! This is seriously one of the best posts I've ever read on Good Women Project. Thank you so much for actually talking about this issue, and doing it so well. Acceptance of ourselves and our sex drives is so essential. It's paramount to accept that we DO have a lustful side to us! To accept it, not beat down on ourselves for it. Accept it, but not let it control us. Accept it, and have boundaries. But for heaven's sake, accept it!
Thank you thank you thank you!!!!

THANK YOU!! I'm sick of feeling like a pervert just because I have a sex-drive, and I'm sick of hearing men talk about how women need to "not cause their brothers to stumble" when they don't think twice about walking around without shirts.

yes! girl wait till i start submitting posts. my man starts stretching, and i am like yum. thank you God. he blushes at the idea that i am so flirty with him, and its actually the opposite. he's so quite when it comes to that and internal. some people just dont like to express that part of them or only at certain moments. and that is okay, and so it being quite honest with your partner (and Jesus, and not being random and wasteful with your body).

This is insanely good and true. Knowing that there are articles like this that are available to me, and girls that I know and work with, makes my heart sings, and I know that God is working in this. Having struggled secretly with lust through an addiction to porn, and being made to feel ashamed for admitting it and trying to deal with it, this sort of message gives me hope that there are people out there that are willing to talk about this stuff openly. Thank you, thank you, thank you! x

Yes! I remember when I first discovered what lust was, and how I really had to fight it, and I wondered if any other girls had ever experienced it too. I have NEVER heard the church acknowledge that women lust too.

First off: THANK. YOU. I am so tired of hearing all that "only men are visual" garbage. If that were true, I wouldn't have watched porn at 12 to figure out what the big deal was. Big deal is: guys are hot. And we DO like to look. I've been to enough art museums to have witnessed the sly blush that creeps up women's faces when they walk in a room filled with Renaissance-era nude art. It's the conflict of "wow, that painting dude is really good looking" and "if I look, there must be something WRONG with me." Nope. Not the case. It happens! Where did we get this delusional idea that only the female body is for appreciating? Not even from a sexual standpoint, but just aesthetically!

Secondly: My boyfriend knows which celebs I think are hot. I know which ones he does. And it's OKAY. Because both of us know that's all it is. He teases me about Benedict Cumberbatch and David Tennant and I just agree. Yes. I do think they are gooood looking men. But you know what? It doesn't matter! They're not MY man. I think maybe men created this concept to convince themselves they don't have to try to measure up a long time ago. Because if there's no comparison of who is better, then it doesn't matter. UNLESS there is a perceived comparison. Maybe some men aren't as certain they're not being compared to Mr. SuperSexy all the time and so they believe this idea that women don't notice things like that. IDK. Just throwing that out there. It makes sense, I think.

Thank you for acknowledging this so openly!! This is a HUGELY important subject that needs to be addressed and you wrote about it perfectly. I'm probably a bit older than most of GWP readers so I remember the days when advertising directed at women rarely included a man with next to nothing on. Madison Avenue (Diesel, CK, etc.) discovered something the church has yet to admit: women are turned on by visual stimulus as much as men. And the ad moguls are getting rich off of it! And the women are getting off on it

With the rise of women struggling with pornography, there is also going to be an increase in women secretly struggling with lust. On top of that, women are experiencing same-sex attraction as a response to their prolonged exposure to porn, adding shame on top of shame.

I'm hoping this post will bring freedom to women who have been hiding, as well as provide some companions in the struggle. I'm not writing this from outside the experience, I struggle with everything I've written about. Thankfully, I have accountability. If you don't, or would like to provide accountability and understanding, PLEASE consider becoming a part of the GWP mentoring program. Or get in touch with someone who has left a comment. Or reach out to me! I'm always happy to listen, talk, and pray! raggletaggletammy (at) gmail

Great article.. If I had a nickel for every time I've quietly seethed through a sermon or small group round-table when the leader either rattled out the men are visual/women are emotional diatribe or made some comment like "well, some women out there are visual, but it's a rare occurence"… I'd have a whole lot of nickels. Are we really that rare? Articles like this are just one more step in the right direction to allow Christian women to actually TALK about these issues. Thank you!!!

Also, it's not just "studly" men… at least, not for me. Magic Mike-esque guys do next to nothing for me. Can we just acknowledge that women's tastes for men are as diverse as men's preferences in women?

I'm SO GLAD someone finally said it! Geeze.
I'll be honest i have struggled (and still sometimes do) with pornography. Yet I'm "told" by the media,churches,etc that i shouldn't because that is a "mans struggle"…the truth is, we have lust deep within our hearts too.
THANK YOU for sharing this, for putting it out there, for being completely HONEST and upfront about it.
Gosh can i favorite this one!?

I'll be honest, when I first clicked on the link for GWP I was VERY skeptical. I rarely enjoy "Christian women" sites because I feel like they are always telling me how I should act and consist of very narrow viewpoints and topics. After reading a realistic and honest article about dealing with LUST, I'm starting to think GWP is going to be the exception I can enjoy :)

I was at a church one day and the pastor was preaching…I couldn't help but I wasn't listening to half of what he was saying because he had biceps, and packs like crazy…he is one of those pastors who encouraged and believed men should work out and believe in themselves…I was really uncomfortable because I was secretly admiring those muscles…..most women in that congregation were…seriously…we should see more of it…I was a little naive so I left that church thinking they were too worldly…..I was just confused…I had never seen such a thing in a christian guy…..These days, I am more mature…. my boyfriend decided to start working out…at first i didn't think any of it…but the effect it has on me now is dramatic…I just want to rip his clothes off…thank God for his new found passion…:-)))

I’ve always felt it wouldn’t make sense for God to create men with the ability to feel desire and physical attraction and to not place it in his companion. That would almost be cruel because the desires would be unmatched, the truth is they are perfectly matched. Ignoring a woman’s equality when it comes to desire is a spiritually abusive way to try to control women towards holiness (don’t get pregnant, don’t have sex early in life). However, trying to keep women safe or good by not admitting they are very sexual will not give them tools to manage their true desires. Also, I think someone else hit the nail on the head when they said, “If men don’t acknowledge women are visual then they get to avoid the responsibility of taking care of themselves too.” Gender norms in this country put an unequal burden on women. They are the ones given the responsibility of keeping the fire going or starting it during courtship. For this reason most women take care of themselves well through diet exercise, hygiene, and spend time trying to attract through style. Men who are slobs, or unkempt, and very out of shape somehow feel entitled to these women who look great. As a woman looking out and observing the marriage market, I feel disgusted and often it is awful that most men do not take care of themselves, it is very uninspirational, unsexy, and a huge turnoff. Yet the field, dating market has SO MANY underperforming men who do not care about what women want because of the power difference — they don’t have to. They can still get the girl, because of the numbers game many women end up having to settle. That’s when beautiful women end up with men who no one can understand how he got her. There truly are not enough good, and purposefully FIT men, so women often have to put aside desire to settle for any kind of love, hoping the chemistry will come later. I personally don’t believe chemistry can be created that not present from the beginning. Marriage can’t change people, and observations shows marriage actually allows men to let go of their bodies more, not less. The poor marriage market and the bad deal for women is the reason I choose to remain single. No matter how nice a man is if he does not inspire me to want to take him to the marriage bed and have his children I won’t give up my freedom as a single person. Men do not deserve women who take care of themselves if they do not take care of themselves. In truth they are incredibly lucky that women are such loving creatures and down to the very slobbish man usually they can find a woman who will overlook it. Women with high self esteem, high self awareness and who are in touch with their own sex drive and need for chemistry — my guess is it is harder to find a man. I am finding that to be true in my own life, but there is no way I’m going to settle. Marriage without chemistry would not work out anyway, so I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. BUT, I do wish more men took care of themselves so there were more partners to choose from. From my vantage point the field is rather sad because of gender norms that let men off the hook. I will continue to hope for the best and live an exciting life as a single, sort of like Israel before she had a king, unless I find a good man who inspires me to crown him King of my country. Until then I will live with God and Christ as my compass and companion.

It's obviously true that some women find the male physique very appealing, but my question has always been: What percentage of women is it really true of? I don't ask for the sake of statistics, but because what's touted is usually one of the following:

* they're only a small percentage of the female population
* they've been exposed to porn, which was responsible for the way they now see men
* they only find men physically appealing around/during their period

I've also wondered whether there is any truth to it being a generational thing; i.e. younger women are more visual than older because of our culture and media influence?

As a guy, I honestly fail to see what's sensual or beautiful about the male form. I understand kind eyes, or the sense of security or protection men may offer women (and hopefully also genuine listening ear and loving, understanding spirit), but from a purely aesthetic, artistic perspective–and especially compared to the female form–I don't understand how the rest of our anatomy has any appeal to women…especially when most of us guys aren't exactly an Adonis or sculpted like Greek gods. We also struggle with body image, and fail to see how those imperfections–let alone our basic male design–can be overlooked.

It's not that I don't believe it doesn't happen (I've been cat-called a couple times in my life by women), but even in public settings I have yet to see a woman ogling or even noticing guys like I (unfortunately) frequently see guys do to women. I've had more women snicker at me than turn their heads my direction. It's just the lack of everyday evidence that makes it hard to believe. It's too easy to believe that the women who really find men physically attractive are the rare "Princess Ardala's" and that the only men they're drooling over are the "Buck Rogers" type.

If women really do notice men and find them appealing, then they are indeed masters of hiding it! BTW, it's never okay for men to ogle and/or cat-call women (read: makes my blood boil). There's a big difference between noticing/admiring and ogling. Ogling is not acceptable, and one of the reasons why I'm not thrilled to be a guy.

In your opinion, do you feel that the men that women find visually appealing are more the 'fit' ones? i.e. do men still have appeal to women even when they don't work out? I ask, because even for guys it's easy to feel like that's the only appeal we can (or might) have.

It's wonderful that God has spared you from porn–don't ever let the world tell you anything different! But it's encouraging and affirming (not an ego thing) to know you still find men's design appealing and attractive.

I understand women liking tall guys because they feel safer around them (a very practical sense of protection/security), but in a similar example to what you shared, those of us who are tall tend to feel lanky/awkward, and unsettlingly conspicuous. Perhaps even though we genuinely want to, we won't ever fully comprehend our own appeal to the opposite sex; but from a purely artistic perspective, I could easily make the case for women being created with very aesthetic qualities; the vast majority of which are simply absent in the male form. Evidence for that view shows up in both the art and marketing worlds (e.g. women are preferred for advertisements to both men and women, whereas only women are used for most advertisements to men).

To fully explain why men find the female form attractive would be a more lengthy explanation than would fit here; but in a nutshell (and unlike men), every aspect of the female form complements each other, and does so in a very striking, breathtaking way. It has both prominence and modesty, innocence and allure; all elegantly embodied in graceful curves–everything fits and flows–like the way a mountain and valley form a landscape, or how a sunset combines contrasting, different elements in such a way that you never tire of gazing at it. In short, women are an amazing, fascinating work of art in a very real sense of the word.

So while men are mostly functional, women have both function and artistic beauty; i.e. whatever visual appeal women see in men, it pales in comparison to the depth of appeal women themselves possess. I used to be an art student, so I guess I'm still thinking like one. As a fellow (female) art student once told me: "Aesthetically speaking, it is much more fun to draw a female than a male. The light hits them in such interesting ways." The street language translation would be: "You have everything we don't, and it looks really good on you." :)

Wow thank you for being so straightforward about female sexuality. As a woman myself I can't help looking at all of those common stereotypes (men being the visual creatures while women are supposedly the "naiive" emotional ones) and think "what the hell?!" You had me all the way until the Bible verse and then mentioning that the Bible mentions lustful women. True while the Bible mentions women are lustful, it is negatively connotated. In fact, the Bible is sexist, objectifying women as something to lust over or as beings that are hyper sexual all in all being the reason for "sin" to occur. All in all, I agree that women are just as sexual and visual as men (and that it is freeing to recognize and relish in that); however I don't agree with the biblical references. Interesting article!

Sexist in what context? The Song of Solomon gives a very positive description of Solomon's bride's sexual love. And 1 Corinthians 7 clearly states that a husband a wife are not to withhold sexual intimacy from each other–they are to enjoy it thoroughly! Sex outside of marriage is what's sin, and that's what God through Scripture comes down strongly against–not sexuality in its proper context.

Thank you so much for this! I am so sick of reading articles about men being visual, and wanting to bed everything due to their biological nature. Yet women are emotional and only think of holding hands with their husbands! By the way I'm not saying I don't have fantasies about a partner I love (I do), but if I am single I will think about many men I see everywhere…and the thing that sets me off is not reading a romance novel, or hearing sweet nothings (usually a turn off)…it's seeing a sexy man! I'm sick of feeling like there is something wrong with me for being this way, and having 'evolution' tell me that I am one in a million. I think when people use the evolutionary theory to back up the 'men are visual, women are emotional' argument, it is only to protect their male ego.

Wonderful article. Thanks. I am very turned on by beautiful men and I love a man who takes cares of his appearance and tries to be attractive and is confident in his looks. Neither a man nor a woman has to be a model to exude a wonderful and respectful aura about their beauty and maintaining it. It took me a long time to understand this but I now see it as a responsibility to bring beauty to the world. I learned this by discovering a beautiful man who preached this message. I have read that how you take care of yourself is an external showing of your spirit. Nice thing to share with the world. Hope many women and men read your article and grow from it.

Oh thank you for this. I think I will scream if I hear that women-are-emotional-not-visual junk one more time.

Um no, we have eyes and hormones. Just sayin’. I don’t know of any girl I’ve gotten to know who doesn’t have to guard very carefully against lust, or lingering too long on a hot guy.

I think it’s a crying shame this is not being addressed in the church anywhere at all like it should be, because rather than teaching girls it’s okay and even seriously good to be very sexual beings but that it’s reserved for marriage only, we’re basically telling them it’s unladylike and ungodly. I’m not a fan of ogling guys, mind you, but admiring and noticing God’s handiwork? I definitely do.

And honestly, while I’m a total fan of girls taking care of themselves and working out, eating healthy, I’m really tired of being told girls need to do that to get a guy, guys are visual. While men are seldom encouraged to do the same to get a girl. I’m not expecting a six pack, but basic healthy habits are a total, total turn-on.

Guys who consistently put the effort in to look good STAND OUT to women.

They Really Do.

And ones who put little or no effort in, then sit and talk about how this or that girl is overweight and needs to lose before they’d consider her? Double standards are not cool.

All of this to say, both genders are wired to notice and be attracted to the physical, as well as the inward parts. We’d all do well to remember that ;-)

Human sexuality is a bell curve for each sex and not only two modes. Some men have no sex drive and some women are extremely aroused by the male form. While there is no doubt women find men and men's form attractive, IN GENERAL there is a big difference in the level of arousal. If that is not true, explain to me the 100 to 1 ratio of men targeted vs women targeted skin mags? Explain to me the 100 to 1 ratio of female strip clubs to male? Oh, don't get me wrong. Women have their sexual vices. Can we say Harlequin Romance? So each sex is open to sexual sin, but let's be realistic about what promotes sexual sin IN GENERAL for each sex.

It is men's way of controlling women, by putting us in a box. Men do not want to believe that we as women are capable of doing the same things that they already do. One thing is that they feel no longer in control of women, the way they have always controlled us.

It's sad though, the way some women accept and agree with everything that men tell women to do, think, and act like. Then on top of that, somegiilibe, indoctrinated females, have the nerve to go on the Internet and write articles that tell women that we are only good for worshipping, exalting, and submitting to husbands. Why are these women so stupid. For once, I would just like for women to support each other, the way that men support each other.

@ Jean: Actually, it has nothing to do with men controlling women, but rather the differences between women themselves–especially regarding this issue. Truth is, and I mean this with all respect, but women are "all over the map" on this. I can substantiate that with numerous comments from women themselves if you want more proof (but it would be wise to do it via personal e-mail so this blog doesn't get off-topic ).

You stated that: "For once, I would just like for women to support each other, the way that men support each other." Well, that simply won't happen because women are significantly different from each other; arguably, much more so than men.

Women are indeed visual. And guess what men. Your wives and girlfriends gawk at other men, besides you. We are just told to suppress our natural attraction to males and so we try to do the. But men, we stare too. It's not just men that's visual. Nov 19, 2015

Tell you what. Start getting men to wear spandex and low cuff, revealing clothing and tight cut and genital tight clothing and put on their cologne. Women will go wild.