Thursday, November 7, 2013

Page 343

Hector ducked under the electric fist and pulled up a bed of iron spikes. The metal distorted away from Karkash, bending around an invisible bubble. So Hector just added more--spikes upon spikes, all branching out, each one bending against the magnetic field. They quickly formed a metal sphere, and rather than becoming trapped, Karkash merely tore open a hole to continue attacking.

Hector expected as much, however; he caught the man’s arm and tore it off.

Karkash burst backward and shoved the metal sphere into Hector, knocking him off the roof along with a slew of shingles.

Hector hit the pavement of the adjacent road--which meant Stoker and Karkash were alone. He launched himself up with a sudden metal platform, up and over the building, and sure enough, he saw Karkash already tearing into the other man with lightning.

As he fell, Hector tried to coat Karkash in iron, but the metal dust wouldn’t accumulate against the man’s skin. It was little more than a nuisance as he decapitated Stoker.

A metal box was Hector’s next choice. Four walls shot up around Karkash, far enough from him that they didn’t immediately distort, but Karkash just shoved them into the surrounding buildings, crashing through windows and doors.

He had the man’s attention again. Karkash soared toward him, and Hector made another wall, double his own height. He expected Karkash to seize control of it and was not disappointed. The wall moved straight back toward Hector, and he annihilated it, because he’d already gotten what he wanted: a moment where Karkash couldn’t see him. And when the iron wall turned to dust, Karkash was clearly surprised to see Hector already right there in his face.

Full strength, Hector landed a crushing punch, enough to shatter his own fist along with the man’s face.

Karkash rocketed through a line of buildings.

Hector’s arm was absolutely wrecked from the impact, even crackling with sparks from a last second electric surge. He could see Hoyohté fleeing toward Karkash but couldn’t do much to stop her. That wouldn’t be the end of this fight, he knew.

He glanced at Garovel, who was merely staring at him, eye sockets even wider than usual. Hector took a ragged breath and went to check on Stoker.

10 comments:

Some grammar ones here."Hector expected as much>,< however>;< he caught..."The rule that I had been taught was that the semicolon goes in where the first sentence ends and the second starts, so it should be before however instead of after."Lightning from his >one<, freshly regrown hand"For this one, I'm not sure if that word is even necessary, and it makes the sentence a bit confusing. A new word might be needed, or possibly just some rewording.And on an unrelated bit, I was not aware Garovel's eye sockets could change. I kind of pictured his face to just be a flesh-less skull, so he didn't even have eyes at all in my image.The final note is that I like how the fight ends with a sucker punch. Those are extremely effective(sorry about how this looks like a wall of text. even though I put spaces in, for some reason they disappear when I finally push the arrow button)

Changing the placement of "however" would change the meaning of the sentences--in fact, they would cease to make sense. You can see for yourself: "Hector expected as much; however, he caught the man's arm and tore it off." In other words, the "however" would be acting like "but," which is incorrect, because the second sentence does not contradicting what the first sentence says. If a conjunction were to be used there, it would be "and."

The reason it's already correct is because I'm playing a bit fast and loose with the structure of the first sentence. The "however" is applied retroactively to the first sentence (denoted by the comma just before it). Another way to understand it is to reword it is "But Hector expected as much; he caught the man's arm and tore it off." This is effectively the same thing. My original wording is probably easier to understand if you read it quickly, as if you were speaking it.

As for the "one" not being necessary, well. The word "one" is clarifying that Karkash only has one hand at the moment, a hand which has only just regenerated. But I do see your point. So information in so small a space is confusing. I'll just cut it to "...he saw Karkash already tearing into the other man with lightning."

Given how the fight is starting out, I'm not sure why they were so confident before. By rights, a metal materializer should be Karkash's worst nightmare. How would they have known that Hector's metal is one of the THREE that Karkash can damage?