Thursday, April 7, 2011

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 11, 2011. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

It turns out that in the Republican budget they submitted for next year, they slash funding for the agency that issues Tsunamis warnings and organizes response to the Tsunamis. In their defense, Republicans say Tsunamis are just a theory and they are not a real threat, like ACORN, the Black Panthers, NPR and math teachers in Wisconsin.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Good news for Freedom Lovers, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has signed the bill sticking it to the real power brokers in our society, the teachers, janitors and bus drivers.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Who would have thought that sending your kid into a dark booth with a middle aged single man, in a dress, would lead to something bad.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue on the suspension of Philadelphia priests for sexual misconduct

Newt Gingrich’s patriotism is a little different. When he and his intern hear the National Anthem, she gets a lump in her throat.

Sarah Palin has strong opinions on the Libyans. She said marriage is between a man and a woman and Libyans like Rachel Maddow are what is ruining this country.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

If you listen to terrorist rhetoric, what they do is they cite politics, they cite political grievances. They don’t use too much religion. When you find Muslims who reject terrorism, as most do, it often is for spiritual and religious and moral reasons. But when people want to justify it, they justify it on political reasons.

- Rep. Keith Ellison

Dana Loesch: Collective bargaining is not listed in the Constitution.

Paul Begala: Neither is having sex with your wife but it doesn’t mean that the government can tell me I can’t do it.

People aren’t voting their pocketbooks, they’ve voting their culture. They’re voting how they feel about gays, about how they feel about god, they’re voting guns. They are not voting economics because they don’t see their interests bound up economically. They see it as how the world looks at them.

- Tom Davis

The government is responsible for the material welfare of the people but as we know, the government is also responsible for a certain type of education of the people. Art, and we’re talking art when it is really doing what it is supposed to be doing, teaches abstract thinking, it teaches teamwork, it teaches people to actually think about things that they cannot see, it is actually an economic engine.

- Bill T. Jones

New Rule: Philadelphia’s twenty-one accused Catholic priests should cheer up. Don’t think of it as cops breaking up your pedophile club, think of it as giving up something you love for Lent.

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 25, 2011. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

For once, we’re not coming off as the big swinging dicks who are going to tell everyone else what to do. We’re trying to get results without incurring all the costs and all the bad will; or as Fox News calls it, “reckless.”

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue about the US handling of Libya

Now that Obama has three wars going, they’ve been asking him about his Nobel Peace Prize and he said he’s going to keep it but he would only wear it with his tie that looks like a keyboard, so people know it’s ironic.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Michelle Bachman for President. As a comedian, all I can say is, where can I donate to this cause?

- Bill Maher is his opening monologue

If Bachman and Palin get in, that’s two bimbos. And there there’s Mitt Romney, the millionaire and Newt Gingrich, a professor. We just need a skipper and a buddy and we’ve got “Gilligan’s Island.”

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

She stood at the Wailing Wall and said ‘I stood here for 45 minutes and didn’t see one whale.’

- Bill Maher on Sarah Palin’s visit to Israel

Embedded journalists and members of Congress are taken on a show where they see a dog one day and the pony the next day and they don’t leave the forward operating bases…the reality is, we’re losing that war militarily.

- Jeremy Scahill on the War in Afghanistan and the media’s reporting on it

This is what America needs, a guy that can out douche bag Muammar Gaddafi. This is how we restore America, with fraudulent real estate deals.

- Bill Maher on Donald Trump’s comments about swindling Gaddafi out of rental land

We’re incapable of doing good things ourselves, it seems, but we’ve got the Republican Party that will bail us out every single time.

- Ed Rendell on an ineffective Democratic Party’s achievements due to Republican over-reaching

We are so screwed up about partisan politics…that we can’t act together on some things that we know are right.

- Ed Rendell

New Rule: The Pentagon has to stop naming military operations. Libya is "Operation Odyssey Dawn." What does that mean? Why name these things in the first place? It's teenage bravado, like giving a nickname to your penis. Although ironically, the nickname for my penis is "Operation Odyssey Dawn."

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: If you make a plane like the F-22, and it cost $350 million each and then you have THREE wars, and you still don't use it, you have to admit that the defense budget is really a jobs program. Did we buy this plane as a favor to someone in the office? Is it a supersonic Girl Scout cookie? Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya: who are we saving it to fight? The Transformers?

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 18, 2011. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

Just be happy that something traveled 5000 miles across the Pacific and for once, it wasn’t your job.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding trace amounts of radiation reaching California

Sarah Palin finally heard what happened to Japan and she’s demanding that we invade Tsunami.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

It’s probably too late but the U.N. has authorized a no-fly zone and Obama is on board. Republicans don’t know what to do with this. They wanted this to happen, so it is good. But now Obama wants it, so it’s bad. And it involves bombing Muslims so it is good, but it involves the U.N., which is bad. In fact, today, Fox News was just a test pattern with the message, “Please be patient while we figure out how this makes Obama the worst President ever.”
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

I do come from Jerusalem but prophecy isn’t my strong point.
- Ambassador Micahel Oren when asked if more democracy was possible in the Middle East

When you say ‘freezing settlements’ it’s kind of like a Palestinian cease-fire; which is really just another way of saying reloading.
- Bill Maher

The right wing always is so afraid of gay people getting married but really, if they really don’t like gay people, they should let them get married because no one suffers as much as married people.
- Annabelle Gurwitch

New Rule: If your organization’s job is to talk to the government about guns, when the President invites you to talk about guns…go. This week, Obama invited the NRA to the White House and their CEO said no, “Why, should the NRA sit down with people that have spent a lifetime trying to destroy the Second Amendment?” Here’s why, Dumbass McBang-Bang, because talking is how grownups resolve differences. It’s our version of shooting.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: While you’re telling me how your March Madness bracket is doing, also fill me in on your vacation and show me pictures of your kids. That way, I cannot give a shit all at once.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 4, 2011. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

Such a nice welcome. We’ve been off for a week. I was rehabbing at the Sober Valley Lodge. I tell ya, that place is no place to get sober. There’s so much cocaine in the carpet, even when you pass out, you still get high.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

This week, Americans turned on their television sets and were witness to a pathetic disaster slowly unfolding. And after the Oscars, then Charlie Sheen started to give interviews and it never stopped. And America said, forget Wisconsin, forget the Middle East, Charlie Sheen is coming off a coke high it is funny.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

It is funny that he keeps waving a paper saying he passed a drug test. How is that good for his image? It just means he’s like that sober.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

One interviewer said, are you bi-polar? He said, “I’m bi-winning. I win here and I win there.” So yes, it’s childish. It’s needlessly defensive. It makes no sense. So if you ever wondered what it would be like if Sarah Palin was on coke, there you go.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Oh yes, write your network executives and your Congressmen, cause if we don’t have a ninth season of “Two and a Half Men,” art will die.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Planned Parenthood is the most trusted organization in the entire country.

- Gloria Steinem

If Charlie Sheen had an air force, he’d be Gaddafi.

- Gloria Steinem

New Rule: Colin Firth has to admit that he's not a human being, but a robot designed by women. He's handsome, charming, witty, he's got that accent, and he has a gay best friend. The only way he could be any better is if he ejaculated Hagen-Dazs.

- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: When you make stupid into an art form, it's not stupid anymore. We just found out that the "Sarah Palin" who writes Sarah Palin's Facebook page is a fake, but the real Sarah Palin has her own Facebook page, under a fake name. And sometimes the real/fake Sarah Palin praises the work of the fake/real Sarah Palin. It's like Inception for hillbillies. There's also a rumor that she doesn't really need glasses, she just wears them to look smart. And when she has them on, Todd doesn't know she's Superman.

- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: If Charlie Sheen’s home life means he can’t have a TV show then I say, Newt Gingrich can’t run for president.

- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment

This week's panelists were Gloria Steinem, Ezra Klein and Gavin Newsom, joined by Tracey Ullman with a satellite interview with T.C. Boyle.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, January 14th, 2011. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

The President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the same day. Obama came out against lunatics with guns, she gave the rebuttal.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Sarah said that she resented being identified as part of the problem. And then she said we’d have to excuse her, she had to work on her agenda of guns on demand, no health care for the insane and casting the President as a foreign enemy.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

She [Sarah Palin] has now agreed to be the keynote speaker next month at a hunter’s convention in Las Vegas. Uh, Siegfried and Roy, if you’re listening, I would put those tigers in an undisclosed location.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

A lot of the Republicans, I must say, I give it up to them, … they applauded Obama's speech. Some of them said, I swear to God, it was too good, said it was just a little too good. They said, if you want us to love a black man with a golden voice, he'd better be a homeless guy, begging for change.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Ted Williams, who was unknown a week ago and then became a celebrity and already he’s been subpoenaed, been detained by police and checked into rehab. Or as it’s known here in Hollywood, "the full Lohan."

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

The idea behind this is to get it down to a one-page mortgage shopping sheet, so you can actually see what the price is and can make comparisons, a two-page credit card agreement. It’s to try to end the days of word barf, you know, on the page.

In the consumer area, let’s just be real clear, the big problem on these financial problems is, there’s no cop on the beat. The game has entirely been, you put all the words you want, you write the fine print, you do it your way, and whatever you can shoot and skin, belongs to you.

- Elizabeth Warren

Why not have a discussion about mental health or gun control, which this had something to do with?

- James Carville regarding the shootings in Arizona

I‘d like to see a better linkage between the gun control stuff we have now and the crazy-filter. Because if you look at Virginia Tech and you look at this guy, it is too easy for mentally ill people to get guns; because there’s no mental screening anymore.

- Mike Murphy

There’s ten “birthers” in the House of Representatives. So they ask the Speaker, they said, do you believe Obama was born in the United States? He said, I do. And they say, so what about these ten people? He said, it’s not my job to tell them what to do. Of course that’s your job! You have a whip. You have a majority leader. You crack people into line. You go to them and you say, you’re an embarrassment to the Republican Party.

- James Carville

I am watching this show backstage, the first show of your ninth season, and if you’ve lost anything, it’s minimal.

- Martin Short to Bill Maher

That could be seen as a back-handed compliment,

- Bill Maher

No, no. It isn’t. I mean, I think it’s safe to say that you are a genius. Really. Not particularly true, but safe.

- Martin Short

And you look great. Boyish. Always boyish. At first I thought you were Rachel Maddow when I came out here.

- Martin Short to Bill Maher

New Rule: If your movie doesn't contain any actual "history" you can't get mad when they won't show it on The History Channel. The History Channel, which just pulled its Kennedy miniseries because too much of it was just made up. Listen, if you don't want to get in trouble for fabricating, next time just call them the Shmemmedys. Schmack and Schmobby Shmemmedy, and Shmack's glamorous wife, Shmackie. And little brother, Shmed, who drove off a bridge at Shmappaquiddick.

- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Since Tom DeLay has done only two things since leaving politics - "Dancing with the Stars", and now prison, somebody must tell him: there are easier ways to have sex with men.