​There’s a difference between vulnerability and being down on yourself​

You know how you save your ‘true self’ for your best friends and family? Ever noticed that sometimes what that really means is you expose your most negative side?​There’s a difference between vulnerability and being down on yourselfThere’s a difference between being honest and being meanThere’s a difference between opening up and only expressing our fears

Leaving aside the fact that those who love us most are often expected to get by with what’s left over after a hard day of trying to impress the rest of the world, why do we think that being vulnerable with those we trust means that our true selves are nervous wrecks?

While it’s only smart not to wear your heart on your sleeve when dealing with people you don’t know are trustworthy, the fall out from this is that we can end up showing those we love most only our weaknesses, and neglect to show them the positive side of our vulnerability: being open enough to discuss your hopes and dreams and discussing all those great things you love. That stuff which helps our loved ones to remember why they love us in the first place – because the best person we are capable of being is pretty amazing.

Long term, if we save up all our worries and fears for our trusted others, and neglect to show them our hopes and desires as well, we end up presenting a pretty miserable picture. This can lead to real difficulties as our loved ones start to wonder where the person they loved has disappeared to.I’m not saying shut down. It’s important to be vulnerable and show at least one person what’s really going on inside our heads. But keep it in balance. And if you don’t think you have anything to balance it out with, then you definitely need the rest of this article!

You need to realise that the ‘real you’ is actually hidden behind your anxieties – not that your anxieties are representative of who you ‘really’ are. Your true self is the part of you that is spontaneous, positive and hopeful. It’s what psychoanalysts would call your ‘inner child’ – that part of you that hasn’t been poisoned by fears and doubts. It’s down there waiting for you to stop identifying with your fears, and instead realise those fears are just another layer between the world and who you really are.Your true self is the part of you gets excited by life, that loves to do those things that you value, that brings you energy. While negative thinking or pretending or striving to be better than you already are, is exhausting, coming from the place of your true self feels natural and positive, and this is a nice space to be in!

The real you goes by lots of names: sometimes it’s called your inner child, your soul, your spirit, your attention or your awareness. Whatever name you’d like to give it, you can test out its existence by the simple fact that you’re able to observe what the other parts of you are doing. While you often know that you’re projecting a good face to the world at large, rather than the full picture, a lot of people become over-identified with the layer under that – the sad face they show only to those they trust. However with practise you can learn to ‘watch’ this part of you too. You can separate yourself from those thoughts and see them as just another layer – another thing you do that isn’t representative of who you truly are.

Another way to think about who you really are is to imagine yourself at different times in your life.

Who were you as a child? What was your favourite activity? Your favourite person? Your favourite food? What would be your ideal day? What was your greatest fear?

Now think of yourself when you first became an adult. What was your favourite activity then? Your favourite person? Your favourite food? What was this person’s ideal day? Their greatest fear?

Who are you now? What’s your favourite activity? Who’s your favourite person? What food do you love the most? What’s your idea of an ideal day now? And what are you most afraid of?

Often there’s a significant difference between these three selves. And what that shows us is that who ‘you’ are isn’t actually related to any of these things. Who you are is an observer of all these things. It’s easy to get lost in the moment, and identify with your hopes and fears right now, just like it’s easy to get caught up in a good movie, and experience strong emotional reactions as you’re watching that movie, even though it’s not real (and you know it’s not real!).

Next time you’re burdened with fears and anxiety, try seeing them as just another layer between the real you and the world, rather than who you really are. When you notice a fearful thought, instead of buying into that, say to yourself ‘I’m having the thought that…’. For example, if you’re thinking that you can’t cope with your horrible boss, say to yourself ‘I’m having the thought that I can’t cope with my horrible boss’. You can even extend this further and say ‘I notice I’m having the thought that I can’t cope with my horrible boss.’

This kind of reframing of your thoughts helps you to see that they are just that, thoughts. They don’t necessarily reflect the truth of the situation, or the truth about yourself. They are just thoughts. This kind of exercise opens up a space between you and the thoughts that then allows you to choose whether or not you want to hang onto that thought, or whether they’re rather unhelpful and actually, if you can choose, you’d be better off thinking something more helpful, like ‘my boss is difficult and I can cope with that because I want this job’. This kind of statement is more helpful, more realistic, and acknowledges why you’re in the situation. You’re no longer powerless and not coping, you’re just having difficulties while you pursue something that matters to you. The something-that-matters-to-you part is the part that taps into your ‘why’ – what you value in life, and it’s from these that you can most easily get in touch with your true self.

Self-confidence isn’t about adding things on, it’s about taking things away. Taking away pretending for the sake of others, and taking away fears and doubts too, until you come back to your core self. Your true self will not be something you need to hide - it’s something you just need to uncover.