The 10 Most Awesome Scientific Discoveries for Alcohol

There’s a common misnomer that non-natural forms of anything are automatically unhealthy, which we really can’t prove until Mother Nature develops its own Hot Pocket.

Scientists are close to debunking this claim by developing their own form of drinkable alcohol that not only develops the nice relaxing buzz that every social drinker aims for, but also doesn’t make you act like a raging buffoon or give you a massive hangover the next morning. This could bring us one step closer to making drinking completely socially acceptable if only science could also perfect beer halitosis pills, the drunk-sensing cell phone, and urine proof pants.

4. Beer doesn’t make you fat, fatty

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For years, chubby guys have blamed their oversized bulges on their love of sweet, sweet beer. Now they can cross this excuse off their list and put the blame on something more reasonable until science disproves genetics and bone mass as causes too.

The European Journal of Clinical Nutrition, the only medical journal that includes inedible animal parts on three levels of its food pyramid, found that beer doesn’t give men “beer bellies” by studying a random sample of men and women. That means a random group of men and women somewhere out there got paid to drink beer for the betterment of science. First thing in the morning, I’m looking up for my old high school guidance counselor and pushing him off the highest cliff I can find.

3. Alcohol is good for you in the long run

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Having a few drinks may not seem like the best health benefit a human being can adopt into their health regimen. But once again, science has made us all look like complete morons. It’s just like high school chemistry, only with less crying.

Numerous studies have confirmed this, but the most recent from the medical journal Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research found that abstaining from alcohol actually “increases” the risk of death and dying and that moderate drinkers were less likely to die over time than those who only had a drink or two every now and then. Now if science can just prove that eating steak injected with cheese can build muscle faster, I can finally become the Olympic athlete that my parents always dreamed I would become.

2. Increasing oxygen in alcohol reduces hangovers

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Nothing in this world sucks more than the twinge of a morning hangover. It doesn’t just make your head hurt or your stomach ache. It makes you entire body feel like it wishes you would just curl up and die. That’s why they call it “Nature’s Ex-Wife.”

Thankfully, science can keep you from having to pay a day-long alimony of pain and vomit by stopping your hangover before it starts. The same “Alcoholism” study found that dissolved oxygen in booze and beer reduced hangovers by increasing a person’s fatigue recovery and energy storage. Just thinking of all the drinking you could do if you didn’t spend an entire morning wishing you could go back in time and prevent yourself from overdoing it, instead of, say, curing the Plague or killing Hitler, you selfish drunk you.

1. Falling into a vat of beer will not get you drunk

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Every self-respecting drunk has thought about it, dreamed about it, and even wished about it, but they’ve never done it because they didn’t have the time, money, or access to a lifeguard who was that desperate for the work.

It turns out that your biggest alcoholic fantasy (besides the one involving a naked Carmen Electra who is drowning in the world’s biggest Jaeger Jell-o Shot) will have to remain just that. Swimming or immersing yourself into a giant vat of beer has the same effect on your blood alcohol level as not drinking a damn thing. A hospital in Denmark conducted the experiment based on an old myth that giving yourself a booze foot bath could get you wasted, but none of them could confirm that this was the case. Of course, I’m just assuming that considering they couldn’t tell anyone because no one would go near the nauseous cloud of feet and booze breath that their experiment produced.