A Sneak Peek…

I will not cause pain without allowing
something new to be born, said the Lord. Isaiah 66:9

It was just before my 42nd birthday. Two years prior, I had quit my corporate job as a Vice President at one of the top book publishing companies, sold my home and took a chance on moving abroad with hopes of a new beginning. It was loud. It was proud. It was a bit naïve. And it was also necessary. {I could have done without the Page Six article and the death threats that followed, but so be it, it makes for great storytelling!}

Some might say I lived out my ‘midlife crisis
moment’ on the backdrop of the move and leaving everything familiar behind, but
had I not been willing to take that chance and risk failing miserably, I may
never have found the courage or clarity I needed, and certainly would never
have come to recognize my strength and take back ownership of my life.

Everything had to fall apart so it could come together exactly as it was meant to be.

—

{July 2013: Minnesota, United States}

I kept looking around, thinking the door would
open and he would be there.

I was standing at the front of the church back in my home town, on display in front of my family and a room full of familiar faces I had known my entire life, but the one face I wanted to see was nowhere to be found.

I forced myself to smile while fighting back
the tears. The part of me that grew up dreaming of happy endings kept thinking
he would come through those doors. But as the minutes passed, the reality that
he wasn’t coming began to set in.

He didn’t show up that day.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted
to be alone with the pain and hurt I was feeling in that moment. Instead, I did
the only thing I knew to do, I kept moving forward.

It was the day of my daughter’s baptism. Leaving me at the altar would have been far too simple.

Years before, we exchanged wedding vows and
what followed was a chaotic struggle that nearly destroyed every piece of my
life, my marriage, and me.

—

{November 2018: New South Wales, Australia}

This isn’t happening.

This cannot be happening again. Not here. Not
now.

Why God?

The sun was shining, glistening off the glass
of the front deck. I could smell the ocean air and feel the salt on my face. It
was calm. It was peaceful. It was beautiful. Life was falling apart around me
but in that moment, I closed my eyes and everything felt right.

When I opened them, I noticed a school of
dolphins fishing just off the shore by the rocks in front of the house. I stood
and watched. We had only just moved into the beach house a few months before
and while watching the movements of ocean life quickly became a favorite
pastime, there had never been dolphins. It was the first time and at a moment
when I was desperately seeking guidance and clarity.

I felt lost and alone in a foreign country, not knowing what to do and questioning how this became my life. So naturally, I went to Google.

Dolphins are a symbol of protection and
resurrection. They possess a deep inner strength that prepares them for
tumultuous water.

The moment felt divinely orchestrated. I was at
peace. I knew I had only one choice.

3 weeks later, standing in the Sydney airport with family and a man I no longer recognized, I left Australia with my children. A journey that began as a family of four setting out on what was supposed to be the adventure of a lifetime, with hopes of a fresh start, returning home as three and completely starting over.

Everything changed.

—

Watching as someone you love withers away into a version of themselves that is unrecognizable, is excruciating. Even harder, is realizing that by staying, you will eventually find yourself in the same position – unrecognizable. The disease of addiction steals the very essence from another human being, emptiness consumes their eyes as they fall deeper and deeper down the proverbial rabbit hole, and there is nothing you can do.

It leaves you teetering a line between trying
to love someone and giving yourself up in the process, or loving yourself
enough to own your value and reclaim your life. To see the truth and no longer
run from it.

Addiction had been stealing moments from my family for years leading up to the day my children and I boarded that plane headed for home. I had been picking up all the broken pieces of our life and gluing them back together, time and time again, not realizing those jagged pieces were cutting away at me as I desperately tried to hold them all together.

I stayed for 9 years and 7 failed attempts at
rehab until the one thing I wasn’t willing to give up was at stake. Myself.

The reason I stayed and kept going back, eventually
became the same reason I knew I needed to leave. I needed to break this cycle.
My children deserved more. They also deserved me whole and present, as opposed
to constantly trying to make up for what was missing in our lives. I had to
face the reality of someone fighting demons I could never fully understand and
that time and time again, those demons won the battle. I had to accept that the
only thing I could do to change any of it was to change myself, to make choices
for my children and I that were difficult, but that were right.

I had to accept the reality that love simply
wasn’t enough.

This is a story from the other side of addiction, the chaos and destruction left behind for family members to navigate through and the hard choices that follow. This is a story about rebuilding your life from the rubble left behind. It is about learning to love again. It is about acceptance. It is about growth. It is about moving forward even when it hurts. It is about creating the life you deserve.

These moments are real, they are raw, they are
painful, they are vulnerable and in a world where we are conditioned to share
only the perfectly manicured versions of our lives, these are the stories
behind the smiling faces. The mess behind the smile.

This is my mess. All the broken pieces,
shattered and unraveled.

It took moving abroad and giving up everything
for me to finally see the truth.

I had to undo everything I thought my life was supposed to look like. I got really honest about the broken pieces. I learned to let go and simply live again. I learned to trust. And I remembered I was strong. I remembered who I am.

It took everything falling apart. All of it. My
life and everything I thought I knew, Divinely Unraveled and it was
exactly as it needed to be.

***

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6 Comments

Joy Erdman
on May 16, 2019 at 11:27 am

You write so beautifully. I’m sorry you had to go through all the pain. I lived in addition my whole childhood and know the trials. You are a strong women and your children are so lucky to have you. Good luck Jenny. Your book will be great!

Really accepting that we have to feel our deepest feelings in order to understand, learn, grow and change. Change is the kickstart toward a glorious new life no matter how scary. Thank you for writing what many have felt in life but didn’t know how to deal with and successfully move beyond.