i'm really such a lady

ain’t fa me

A couple of mornings ago, my brother-in-law Matt and I went for a jog. It was super humid out, so by the time we got back to the house I was really getting my sweat on. Matt, after catching a whiff of my stank, offered me first dibs on the shower. As any 22-year-old stanky lady would do, I told him: “Nahh.” Happy for the chance to go first, he hopped in the bathroom and cleaned hisself up real quick. When he was done, he told me it was my turn. Once again, I told him: “Nahh.” For the rest of the day, he jokingly/seriously/incredulously asked when I planned on washing up. My answer was always: “Lataa.”

The thing was, and is: I’m just not that big on showers.

I knew I had to, and eventually I did, but in general, I like to postpone showering as long as possible. Despite a brief affair with bathing in 6th grade (I thought I was cool because I started showering daily… little did I know that most people showered daily already, and my past routine — once weekly baths — wasn’t the norm), I’ve never been much of a showerer. There are the people that love it — that’ll stay in until all the hot water runs out — and then there’s me. I try to get in and out of the shower as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately, since I have Jesus-feet-washing hair, it usually takes me at least seven minutes to fully shower. Fortunately, I’ve found ways to make that time pass more quickly.

This shower was aiight

Of course I do the normal showerly activities — shampooing, conditioning, peeing, shaving, teeth brushing, etc. — but I’ve also learned ways to incorporate some of my hobbies. For example:

Eating

I’ve only tried carrots, cheese, and sandwiches, but they all worked fine. I’d say any food that doesn’t require utensils would be all right. But if you’re brave, go for it!

Memorizing Poetry

Copy down a poem, slip it in a page projector, and tape it on the shower wall. Again, I’ve only done the Old English version of The Canterbury Tales, but anything would work. Here’s the first few lines of the one I memorized, in case you want to play it safe:

Whan that aprill with his shoures soote

The droghte of march hath perced to the roote,

And bathed every veyne in swich licour

Of which vertu engendred is the flour.

Hair Art

When a piece of hair falls out, slap it on the wall and start swirling it into tasteful shapes. If you don’t have long hair, try using floss! Or thread! Or someone else’s hair!