Daaaaayum Satan, are you looking at these two plasticine ghouls? You let them go full-Kidman! It’s your responsibility as their boss to tell these two to go easy on the face fillers. I don’t care how much they beg you for more discount Botox-style injectible latex, you have to put your foot down; they make their money on E!, not Syfy.

Speaking of E!, Satan’s drowsiest hooker and the jewel in Pimp Mama Kris’s pimp cane, Low Klass Kim, and her sister from another Wookiee mister Khloe Kardashian were in New York on Thursday to pimp out their basic (accent on the basic) cable reality show Keeping Up With The Trash Bag Butts at the NBCU Cable Upfronts presentation. And in case anyone had forgotten what got these dumb skanks famous in the first place, Khloe reminded everyone by explaining how she helped her sister get ready that morning:

“Her vagina, she thought was out earlier, and I said, ‘we have to do vagina checks.’ Like if you have a slit (in your skirt). I said, ‘No, Kim, your vag is tucked away perfectly.’ So is mine. My (bleeped out) is tucked away, her vagina is tucked away.”

Huh, who knew you couldn’t say “sarlacc pit pussy pouch” on E!. But seriously, if Kim ever needed someone to teach her how to hide that pussy, it’s Khloe. I know I refer to the Kardashians as being useless (they are, go on) but Khloe’s got an A+ tuck game. Sure, homegirl has a meatier tuck than a steak-smuggling beef thief, but she knows her way around industrial-grade Spanx and rolls of weatherstripping tape. Just remember Kim, don’t let Khloe tuck your vagina away all the time, or you’ll never make any money again.

Here’s more of Kim and Khloe at the upfronts yesterday. My say something nice is this: I don’t know what Kim’s makeup artist Frank Hillard has been doing differently, but she almost looks life-like in some of these pictures (I said some, not all – don’t book me a room at Calmwood just yet). And my say something truthful is that Khloe needs to go back to the workroom and fix those butt pads. Is there a budget crisis in Hell? Can you not afford to stuff your ass with anything better than the insides of a cheap throw pillow?

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