Closing My Eyes

Imagine being tired. Your eyes are burning. Your body is exhausted. You just want to lay down and sleep.

But when you get to your bed, slip into the cool covers, and close your eyes, you just…. lay there. Your thoughts still racing. Your mind still alert. But your body absolutely, ridiculously, and positively drained.

Now imagine doing this for three weeks straight.

It’s awful…. but not completely my situation. I am able to get deep sleep for 2-3 hours each night. And then I wake up. Fully alert. And I can’t get back to sleep. It’s like my body assumed those 2 hours were a nap. That happens… 5 days of the week. The other two days? I don’t sleep. At all. I just lay there. And then when my alarm goes off, I get up, shower and go about my day. Exhausted.

I’ve been to my primary care physician (PCP), just in case it was something medically related to my body, my health, etc. She said it wasn’t.
I’ve been to my OB-GYN, just in case it was something related to the birth control, the DNC, the abortion, or the pregnancy. She said it wasn’t.
I’ve talked to my stepdad, who is a family practice physician, to see his thoughts on it.
I’ve been to my therapist, just in case it was something mental.
I’ve been to my psychiatrist, just in case it was something mental that needed medication.

Every single one of them says the exact same thing. It’s anxiety from my depressive disorder. It’s mental.

Fuck.

I do have a few options to fix it though. And I’m determined to try these before I let myself fall prey to the mental meds.

I can try Clonazepam, which is much like Ambien in it’s ability to lull people to sleep. But it really does treat a number of things, including depression and anxiety. I try this for 2 weeks (or until the pills run out…which in my case is one week due to the dosage). I rejuvenate with the pills. And after they’re over, I try sleeping normally. Hoping that they somehow reset my system. If that doesn’t work…

I take melatonin, which is a hormone over-the-counter pill that is naturally recurring in our bodies… and helps promote sleep. I try this for a week or two. If I don’t cycle into a normal sleep pattern…then…

I up my exercise and work outs. Exercise causes endorphins to build up in the body…. it releases stress… it creates an exhausted body… and it should help promote sleep. If that doesn’t work….

Then I take Prozac, to treat me for depression and anxiety. Fuck.

I’m also working on cleaning up my “sleep hygiene” (I hate that term with a fiery passion of a thousand burning suns). No reading before bed. No computer or TV. No engaging conversations. No working out less than three hours before bed. No going to bed on a full stomach. Getting up if I lay there for more than 30 minutes. Sleeping alone (not a problem right now!). And trying to make sure the room is dark, noise-free, and on the colder side.