Welcome to “Ask a Hottie,” Break’s weekly column in which I scroll through my Facebook photos…

…and try to find one where I look good…

…which is very hard because I am a ham and never try to look nice in pictures:

That is literally the only bikini photo I have on the Internet. Feel special that I’m sharing it with y’all.

Do you have a question you’d like answered? Email it to AskABreakHottie@gmail.com!

Q: I used to have a very busy job working in finance, where working 12 hours a day was considered normal. At this time, my girlfriend would often whine about being lonely and so I told her to find a hobby since I was so busy (she is very introverted and does not have many friends). She took my advice and found that she very much enjoyed exercising.

“Karen” now exercises two hours a day, five days a week. She looks great and has a body that is almost indistinguishable from any model you see in lingerie ads – but it’s messing up our relationship. I quit my finance job so now I work less and am usually home by 5:30. She goes to the gym from 5:00 – 7:00, but by the time she’s home, showered and ready to relax it’s at least 8:00 at night. Now that I’m home from work earlier, she doesn’t have to keep going to the gym for such long periods of time, but she still goes even when I say that her routine is excessive.

It’s not just the gym though, because Karen has also started eating very “clean.” If I want to go out to dinner on a weeknight she’ll tell me to either go without me or to wait until Saturday/Sunday, which are the two nights when she lets herself eat a cheat meal for dinner. If friends invite us to something during the week and it overlaps with her gym time, she declines. Drinking is almost completely out of the question, because she now only has two drinks per week when we used to hit the bars all the time.

Since she does most of the cooking, everything we eat or that is in the house is healthy. Karen doesn’t care if I eat junk, but I miss having it in the house and going out to dinner during the week, and even though I’ve gained thirty pounds over the last six months I don’t think it matters or that I should be stuck on Karen’s diet just because she’s gone over the edge.

What do I do?

A: Soooo to clarify:

You didn’t have time for your girlfriend

You told your girlfriend to find a hobby

Your girlfriend found a hobby

You are now mad that your girlfriend has a hobby

That’s basically where we’re at right now, though the yarn you spun made it sound like she’s the devil for wanting to run a mile on the treadmill. Nice try, but we’re not that stupid.

Full disclosure: I spend about 90 minutes in the gym every day, however my routine goes to shit on the weekends when it’s time to start drinking Jameson. Call me biased if you want, but the truth of the matter is that you’re being an unfounded little bitch. You were working 12-hour shifts at work and your girlfriend was sad that you weren’t around more. Instead of heeding her request and working fewer hours (which I understand may not have been possible, but that’s not the point), you told her to find a hobby.

Which, to be fair, sounds kind of shitty – but your girlfriend understood that your career was important to you, so instead of hounding you for attention she started hitting the gym. And surprise surprise, she actually enjoys it. Shocking, right? Just because you enjoyed eating yourself to 30 pounds heavier doesn’t mean she wants to spend three nights a week chowing down at breadsticks at Olive Garden.

Too many carbs, GTFO.

But now that you’ve changed careers you have more free time and want to spend it with Karen. I get that. The thing is, you can’t demand that she give up something that’s important to her just because you CHOSE to give up something important to you. She didn’t make you switch jobs, you decided to do that on your own accord – which is fine! No problems there, you just can’t go to Karen and say “Hey, remember how you were sad I spent too much time working and not enough with you? Well you spend too much time at the gym and not enough with me, and I get very uncomfortable when I don’t get all the attention you have to give so hey what’s up hello it’s all about me me me ME.”

And for the record – 8:00 at night isn’t even that late. Assuming you’re in bed by 10:00-11:00, that’s about the average amount of time most couples get to spend together during the week, taking into account work schedules and general life bullshit. It just seems late because you’re home by 5:30, and since you’re whining about your girlfriend not being home early enough for you I’m going to guess that you probably sit around watching television or whatever until she gets back.

Have you ever thought of…I dunno, finding a hobby?

Your girlfriend compromised with you by finding a hobby for herself. Instead of being a clingy hypocrite, go find yourself your own hobby for when she’s at the gym.

And this is all completely disregarding your recent 30 pound weight gain. Seriously, what the fuck? Bruh are you dying or something? Who the fuck gains 30 pounds in six months?

You might not be insecure like I said in the title, but come on – why can’t you just be happy for Karen? She is not on a “diet,” she’s changed her lifestyle and eating habits to be all-around healthier. If you wanna eat pork rinds in your underwear five nights a week then shit, go ahead – but don’t drag Karen down with you. I eat a similar diet to Karen’s and whenever I eat garbage it physically hurts for a few days, depending on how much I eat. But you know what? If you wanna eat crap in front of me I don’t care. Eat away! I’m perfectly aware that most people don’t want to eat lean protein and brown rice all day, and I don’t force them into it – and Karen isn’t forcing you either. Yes, she keeps healthy food in the house, but bro are your legs broken? Did you lose your credit card? Nothing is stopping you from doing your own separate grocery shopping and cooking your own separate meals. If you don’t like what she makes, then quit being a lazy fuck and make your own food. It’s questions like these that really piss me off, because instead of doing the obvious “Hmm, maybe let’s not rely on my girlfriend like she’s my mom” route you decided to take a stroll down “I-Wanna-Be-Fat-And-Drag-Everyone-Around-Me-Down-Because-Fuck-You” Boulevard.

You, in a nutshell.

If the idea of getting up off your ass and cooking your own food seems like too much, then you should break up with Karen because you are a man child and she deserves better. If the idea of eating healthy food instead of crap 24/7, even in small doses, seems like too much, then you should break up with Karen because she and her Victoria’s Secret model body are too good for you. If you are starting to resent your girlfriend because she is unwilling to give up something important to her in exchange for more time with you just like how you were unwilling to give the same up for her, then you should break up with Karen because you’re a fucking hypocrite.

Most dudes would kill for a girl who’s willing to eat right, hit the gym and NOT force them to do the same. Karen is too good for you. Do her a favor and break up, and if you don’t want to break up then do it anyway because clearly, both of your lifestyles have become incompatible.

Tl;dr: get your own hobby you fucking wank.

Do you have a question you’d like answered? Email it to AskABreakHottie@gmail.com!