There are as many definitions of a derby wife as there are derby players. For me, it’s an equation that looks like this: Admiration + Adoration = Derby Wife.

My derby wives are: Wicked Irish, KCDC, Sirius Trauma, Explosive Daria, and Von D (of the Oz Roller Girls). Ovary Obnoxious is my derby girlfriend. They all have skills I hope to emulate: strength, strategery, amazing blocking, agility, endurance, speed, ability to dance on skates, and pack awareness. If admiration is about what they do, adoration is about who they are. They are amazing women off the track who I love.

Thanks to the talents of the sassy Miss Jackie Treason and her derby wife, the extraordinary Smack Truck, here is a fancy chart illustrating the derby wives of the Albany All Stars Roller Derby league.

Derby wives share a familiarity and connection. It has been explained as her having “all the qualities you ever liked in anyone else” or when you first interact with her “she feels like the best friend you had in the 5th grade.”

“To me, the derby wife is the person who will support you even if she doesn’t agree with you,” explains Jackie Treason. “She will encourage you when you’re having a hard time, and she will listen quietly to your whining that you suck and then tell you to skate another lap. She’s got your back no matter what.”

Reese Whiphersoon, wife of MVP Great White Shart, is more direct in her answer about what it means to have a derby wife: “Arm candy.”

“The way that I’ve explained it to non-derby people is that it’s a phenomenon that typically occurs naturally, but some people try to force,” says Sweet Dee Bacle.

Although many AASRD players have wives (see “The Chart”), this phenomenon does not catch on for everyone. The reasons range from “fear of derby commitment” for Swedish Fist (I think I MIGHT be hearing wedding bells for her and a certain fresh meat player, however…) to “I am antisocial and not good at making bffs” (although I would disagree with Polly Morphic’s assessment of herself!).

Perhaps the most, uh, interesting reason for not entering a union of derby wifery comes from Boom Boom Bambino: “I guess I’m scared women will knock me up… turkey baster!” (For those of you who don’t know Boom Boom, her brood rivals that of Angelina and Brad Jolie Pitt’s.)

“I do not believe in marriage. I can’t be tied down to one girl,” says Katherine Zeta Bones. Sorry, ladies.

Then there’s the enigmatic Merry Pain. “Many have tried. None have succeeded,” she says. “It’s not to say I haven’t loved those who have tried. I’m just not the settling down type.”Heartbreaker.

Betty Blitzkrieg and Sweet Dee Bacle are the settling down type. They cemented the deal with a derby wedding.

“Any excuse for a party! Plus, I tend to have a flare for ridiculousness,” explains Dee when I ask about their nuptials.

So how did it all unfold?

Betty (left) and Dee (right) exchange rings.

“I proposed via text message. How romantic! LOL. But once I had the idea, I had to tell her,” Betty responds. To which Dee adds: “I have never been more excited.”

What was the big day like?

No wedding is complete without cuppy cakes.

“We wore really cute coordinating dresses, had rings to exchange [Editor's note: The ladies wear matching rings from Pandora on their left ring fingers], cupcakes for our cake, garters, a little pillow for our ring bearer to carry,” recalls Betty. “Steven Wicked Irish did the ceremony. He was great. Irish gave me away on her crutches; Cori gave Dee away; Trixie [Firecracker] was our ring bearer; and Ovary [Obnoxious] was the flower girl. She carried a hanging basket of flowers taken from the bar patio down the aisle! It was super awesome.”

What does it all mean, anyway???

“We vowed to be together through good derby-dom and bad derby-dom,” states Dee.

3 Responses

This is amazing! I love the chart. I know you put a lot of work into gather all the information – what a fun and interesting analysis. Everyone has such thoughtful/funny ideas on what it means to be/have/not have a derby wife.

I also love the wedding picture! Is that the City Beer Hall? Beautiful location for a wedding reception.