Kirk: Well I let my ship get blasted with it's shields down, we lost dozens of cadets, that whole Genesis project fell into the hands of a madman and was destroyed and Captain Spock was killed... oh and we had to destroy Reliant too. Can you fix my ship now? I have more stuff to take care of.

"The helicopter will be added in post," said Patrick Stewart of this exclusive first footage from the new James Bond-esque action thriller I've Seen Everything written, produced, directed by and starring Stewart himself. When queried about what this scene could be about, Stewart elaborated: "I have to go to Iraq, to rescue these hostages. And I get there and I rescue them, but they're all women and they're naked because their clothes have rotted off. But I get them into the helicopter, and I'm flying the helicopter, but I can still sneak a look in the mirror and I can see everything, you know. One of them's bending over, two of them are kissing..." The film, also starring Ricky Gervais, is due in theaters just in time for the holiday season...

Picard: "I think we've lost them! Now, everyone into the cave! They'll never find us in here!"Crusher: "But, Jean Luc, they're just the Baku's children!"Picard: "I'm not comfortable with children! Now move your ass!"

LaForge: "Ah, finished! It took seven hours, but I've verified the position and configuration of every constellation! This is definitely Earth!"Riker: "Um...Geordi? No one was questioning that."Cochran: "He doesn't work well without supervision, does he."

Riker: It was supposed to introduce us to viewers who've never seen the show in a non-obvious way.

Picard: But it didn't really do that did it? I mean, you got a vague idea of some of our personalities, but nothing about our jobs even that we work on a space ship. Which this scene is now having to do over. I mean, a well judged action opening may have been cliche, but it would have done both things at once by showing up reacting to a crisis professionally with a bit of banter to show who we are.

Riker: Yeah.

Picard: And it made Worf look like one of the films main leads even though he'll now do nothing for the rest of the movie except glower, even though his personal arch-enemies are the secondary villains.

Worf: WHAT?!

Riker: Yeah.

Picard: And I bet it was expensive as well... are we going to have to cut back on the final and kill the Klingons with stock footage?

Riker: Yeah.

Picard: Jeez, this movie sucks. I can't wait to become executive producer, then I'll tell them how to do it properly. Slow time hippies and dune buggies, that's what we need.

Geordi: ...And at maximum magnification, I can just about see the theory that comes closest to explaining in a sensible manner why we never see a model of Archer's Enterprise in the briefing room.