Like most right-thinking Americans, I know that dinosaurs were invented by godless liberal scientists to discredit the Bible.

So of course it makes sense to learn that not only did science use fancy terms like “microscope” and “carbon dating” and “hypothesis” to invent the dinosaurs — they also made them baby killers. According to The Independent (UK), the famous dinosaur Tyrannosaurus Rex did not actually do battle with other large land mammals — instead preferring to feast on more tender fare:

Titantic struggles between consenting adults may well have happened on some occasions but a far more likely scenario is that the Tyrannosaurs preferred to tuck into small and unwary juveniles rather than their fully-grown and dangerously armoured parents, explains David Hone, a British-born palaeontologist working in China.

“Modern predators mainly attack vulnerable, young animals as they are inexperienced in evading predators, and this was probably the same in dinosaurs,” said Dr Hone, who works at the Institute of Vertebrate Palaeontology and Palaeoanthropology in Beijing.

“Young prey are easier to bring down and the risk of injury to the predator is much lower,” he said.

It makes sense that godless liberals would invent an entire race of scaly baby killers, but the more important question is “What can we do about it now?” After all, it wasn’t that long ago that early man and dinosaurs shared the same earth (before Jesus fought them all to the death one-by-one), so we had better be prepared for more of the same.

Thankfully I have my own connections in the scientific community. Let’s see how T. Rex does against the furious pecking wrath of Dinochicken, bitchez.