Then we feel terrible for not being able to stick to our word or keep good habits in place. We’re tired of failing or trying so hard without getting anywhere. And we’re at a loss on how to change bad habits into good ones.

What if the solution isn’t to make grand, overarching goals, but small ones? So small, it’d seem ridiculous not to reach our goals?

The resolutions might even start off well, especially as we’re focused on The Big Goal. But as with most big resolutions, we fail. We make small slips like running for only 25 minutes instead of 30. And larger ones like missing a week’s workout because we got sick.

And when those failures happen, we falter. We go back to bad habits, thinking, ‘Why bother?’ since we already screwed up our track record. Big resolutions don’t work.

Why are bad parenting habits too hard to break?

Let’s go back to our exercise analogy. If you’re like most people, you’ve vowed to hit the gym five days a week, right after work. No excuses. Week after week.

But can you imagine telling a friend to make the same commitment? You wouldn’t call a friend and tell her, “Hey, meet me at the gym at 6:30 every weeknight. We’re doing this for the entire year. No excuses.” You wouldn’t do that, because you wouldn’t expect your friend to make such a grand commitment. So why do we do it to ourselves?

How to change bad parenting habits with microresolutions

Rather than setting big resolutions, start with small ones—microresolutions. And I’m talking no brainer goals that would seem ridiculous not to do. Let’s look at our first example of yelling at our kids. A grand resolution might be to vow never to yell again. I know I’ve made that promise and, not surprisingly, failed.

Rather than pressuring yourself and setting expectations you’re likely to fail, start small. Maybe your goal is to spot the trigger of what made you yell. Never mind if you yelled or not—that’s not the goal, yet. For now, your only goal is to determine what made you yell.

So you can say to yourself, “I yelled because my son ripped a page from a book after I told him to be careful.” Your only goal at this point is to identify and label your triggers. You’ll notice that this good habit, no matter how small, will lead to further good habits. You’ve developed a habit of identifying your triggers. And thus, you’ve been better able to try a new approach or a new response instead of yelling.

Again, the goal isn’t To Stop Yelling Forever. That’s a lofty goal that’s pretty hard for anyone to meet (we’re human, after all). So if you yell, it’s okay. Your goal wasn’t to never yell again, but to spot your triggers. Microresolutions replace your old habits with good ones. Over time, you’ll meet your ‘grand’ resolution step by step.

Another typical goal is to eat healthy. Rather than vowing to eat only healthy food from now on, start small. Maybe your goal is to have breakfast at home on Mondays. If you make breakfast on Monday and Tuesday, great! You’ve surpassed your goal. But your goal remains to only eat breakfast on Mondays.

Now imagine if you said your goal was to have breakfast at home every day, or worse, to only eat healthy food from now on. The next time you skip your breakfast or eat a cookie, you’ll feel defeated. You’re less likely to keep up all the good work you’ve done thus far. Better to make and exceed smaller resolutions than fail larger resolutions and give up.

Some tips on how to make microresolutions work include:

Focus on only two microresolutions at most. No more Top 10 Resolutions of the Year types of goals. The more inundated you are with goals, the less likely you’ll be to meet any of them completely.

It takes a long time. A daily microresolution can take four weeks to turn into an automatic habit. A less frequent microresolution can take up to eight weeks.

Once your resolution has become a habit, then you can start a new microresolution.

I’ve made the mistake of trying to reach grand resolutions, both in parenting and in my personal life. And I’ve seen how that has gotten me not too far from where I started. Creating smaller resolutions instead has helped me reach my goals faster and more effectively.

Your turn: Have you heard of microresolutions? What grand goals do you want to meet, and what microresolutions (small actions) can you do to lead you there? What are your tips on how to end bad habits?

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I have heard of microsolutions, but only in the last year or so. I’m all for it because I tend to look at things as a big picture, and then I get overwhelmed and paralyzed with fright.. until I can’t do anything.
It’s much easier for me to make the smaller ones.

I didn’t even think of it that way Tamara. You’re right, there’s also the overwhelming factor of the big picture that can feel very paralyzing. Maybe that’s also why I suck at long-term projections—I just can’t imagine it from where I’m standing sometimes!

I read about a weight-loss book years ago that employed the same concept. Basically, it asked readers to change one small habit per week until the reader was able to sustain a healthier lifestyle overall. I agree with Arnold’s assessment, though, that it takes longer to really make the changes stick. I credit most of my weight loss between 2013 and 2014 to making smaller changes. Things like not eating after the kids go to bed, or not buying french fries on the occasions I would get fast food. but, sometimes grand resolutions work well too. Things like training for a race. It’s grand, but it’s also a motivator. Thanks for sharing the tips!

Your weight loss goals were pretty impressive Leslie! I remember reading those in your blog. I’m trying to do the “no eating after the kids are in bed” rule as we speak. But you’re right, having large goals or milestones also help kick you into gear! I can only imagine what running a marathon would motivate me to do.

I totally agree with you that setting microgoals is more manageable and attainable than BIG goals. I definitely want to stop yelling at my kids but first step is to (like you said) identify those triggers. Then, I can learn to channel that anger into something more productive than yelling. I definitely find that when I set small goals like working out once a week, it’s easier to keep that up than saying I’m going to workout 3-4x/week off the bat.

The yelling thing is definitely an ongoing challenge for me too. We’ll never be ‘perfect’ parents but yeah, we can give ourselves smaller goals to reach that helps establish good habits in the long run!

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