Saturday, May 24, 2008

Popcorn MunchingNow, don't get me wrong, I love popcorn. But have you ever taken a good look at people while they are eating popcorn? Universally, people take huge handfuls of the stuff and CRAM it into their mouths!!!!! I mean, why don't we, as an American Nation, eat popcorn one kernel at a time? I came to this question after nearly choking to death one night on a cup and a half of popcorn I had shoved into my mouth and just couldn't slime up with my spit enough to get it down my esophagus. That's when it occurred to me to wonder why. Perhaps you think you are the exception to this rule, and eat popcorn daintily, and femininely, and coquettishly. Trust me, you don't. There's just no explanation!

Grocery Stores and BabiesWhy do babies start crying the minute you enter the grocery store? I mean, you could attach a feeding tube to your....upper chest....that goes straight to the babies stomach, and it would not matter. That baby is famished the instant it hits the WinCo. Scientists know, somehow, that babies are born seeing black and white, and that for the first few months they can only see a few feet in front of them. and that they can distinguish between different languages, and yet they have not proclaimed that babies know when they are surrounded by yummy food they can't have. Well, I am proclaiming it. When you pass by the brownie mix display, THAT BABY KNOWS!!!!

Hotel RoomsWhat is the deal with those plastic quilted coverlets? Where do you buy them, even? Do they have, like, a motel/hotel room catalog? Who decided watercolors was the official artwork of the innkeeper's union? Why not art deco, or abstract, or something equally hideous? Why are there always ants in hotel rooms? (Yeah, yeah, I'm not rich enough to stay at the Holiday Inn, I know that already) What the heck is the ice machine for? To drink the tap water? Is there a world where people drink tap water? Holy cow, I have become a filter snob.

Talking to OurselvesTalking to ourselves is a natural function. It helps us work problems out, say things to our mothers we would never say in real life, and pretend we sound like Celine Dion. The thing I don't get, is why we get embarrassed about it. Have you ever been going along, figuring, shouting, and/or singing away, when you realize what you are doing, and get embarrassed? Why? You are by yourself! Wait, maybe your guardian angel just told you your voice stinks.

I will add to this post as I think about things I don't understand. Which is hourly.

So, Liz tagged me!!!! I guess that way his works is I answer the questions, and then tag someone else!

Me and my Man

1. How long have you been together? 6 years, 9 months, and 1 day.

2. How long did you date? 6 months baby!

3. How old is he? 34

4. Who eats more? Well, it differs as we compete in this area, sometimes its me, usually its him.

5. Who said "I love you" first? He did, he got nervous because I did not say it for a while : )

6. Who is taller? Everyone in the world. But Joe is 4 inches taller (literally) or 5 inches taller (by his calculations)

7. Who is smarter? Sadly, Joe has the brains in this relationship, which is ironic considering the amount of time I spend being right. Huh.

8. Who does the laundry? I, I, I Do!!!

9. Who does the dishes? That would be the short one.

10. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? Me. I once heard that most men sleep on the side of the bed that is closer to the door. But in our family, I sleep closer to the door.

11. Who pays the bills? Literally, or figuratively? Joe's the money behind the setup, but I am the check writer, the envelope sealer, the 39 cent stamp licker, and the ensuing credit ruiner.

12. Who mows the lawn? Sometimes, Joe turns on the mower, and we pretend the sound means he is cutting grass. However, hesperia has a grass shortage, so that's a nope on both counts.

13. Who cooks dinner? That goes back and forth. I bake, he barbecues.

14. Who is more stubborn? We are both pretty, now what was the name our personal trainer called us?....bullheaded.

15. Who kissed who first? He kissed me. I was terrified to kiss him because I thought he would think I was a bad kisser, so I would always hug his chest when he got that look on his face, but one night, three weeks after we started dating, he went in for the kill. Lady Kill that is, because I have been Joe-mush ever since.

16. Who asked who out? He asked me out.

17. Who proposed? I did. Just kidding. He asked me to marry him.

18. Who is more sensitive? Well, in public its me, in private its him. Neither of us are much criers though.

19. Who has more siblings? We both have four!

20. Who wears the pants in the relationship? I'm not much of a dress wearer....haha, just kidding. In most sitches Joe wears the "pants" but when it comes to disciplining the kids, it is, most definitely, ME. THE MEAN MOMMY.So, to end this post, I love my hubby so much and am grateful for him every day of my life. I always say I won the husband lottery! Since my hubby dated over 1.8 million girls, the odds were about right, hahajust kidding. Seriously though, hes perfect. I cant wait to spend eternity with him.Now I tag Jill Stiber, and anyone who wants to do it!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Hello everyone!I am turning 25 in two days, and as of today, this has been the BEST BEST BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!My sister Shannon is one of my greatest friends. For 4 years we have talked on the phone for at least an hour almost every week. I can't even begin to describe how I felt today, as I received the sweetest, most considerate, creatively thought out gift I have ever received.SHE SENT ME AN IPOD!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!However, if you will look at the following pictures, you will see how much love she put into my birthday box.Thank you Shannon!

First, check out the wrapping job on the gifts she sent me!!! Look how much time she took just to wrap my great presents! I waited until she got home from work so I could open them while on the phone with her, and I almost didn't make it past the wrapping paper!!! It took some persuading from her to get me to desecrate these precious packages by ripping into them!!!

Then, Shannon wanted me to open them in a specific order. So, see those little cards up there in the presents? This is how they appeared. I opened them randomly, but I had to keep going until I found number one, then number two, etc.....Aren't they adorable?The photo at right was the one thatwent with my IPOD!I had one more gift to go, but I almost didn't make it, first my heart stopped, then I screamed for a couple minutes,

and poor Shannon lost her hearing : (

She also gave me my favorite movie ever, Stranger than Fiction, a cd full of songs for my new ipod, a beautiful new bracelet, and a bracelet I had coveted since high school! I could not believe how much thought went into this birthday gift. I was so touched!!!!!!!!! I love my sisters so much, and I feel so blessed to have them in my life. I cherish each one so much. Shannon, thank you, thank you, thank you for making this the sweetest, funnest birthday ever, I love you. Ok, I am sorry this blog is so mushy!!!Shannon and Melanie

Friday, May 16, 2008

I love my family so much. I am so grateful tomy Father in Heaven for giving me the gift of motherhood. No humor here. Just gratitude.

The prophet says get out of debt. well, thats impossible. I can never get out of my debt to my Heavenly Father! and Satan the telemarketer who never stops calling will never entice me to get that second mortgage to try. Ok, that made no sense.

This file was supposed to be file #2. It is not as bad as #2, but definitely a file in it's own right. Scene. Disneyland.Be forewarned all you Disney fans, unless you buy passes when the kids are older, and out of diapers, some kind of horrifying poop story is lurking...waiting for you...somewhere. Toontown? Adventureland? Tomorrowland? It's there somewhere.This is mine. Actually, mine involves coming home from Mickey land. It was late at night, and we were so tired we started to wonder if we were really at home dreaming we were at Disneyland! The baby was a little fussy, but in our extreme fatigue, we did not take the time to do the 5 point check we normally do upon wailing. (too hot check, too cold check, tummy check, diaper check, and pain somewhere check.) All we wanted to do was get home. A few miles down the freeway, our two older boys were sleeping, but our sweet baby boy was not. He was gently fussy. He is so good natured, later on I wondered why he had not been screaming the entire time, but as it was, he was just murmuring his displeasure here and there. Joe and I figured that he was just hungry, and would wait just a few more miles until we got to a more populated, less ghetto, better lighted area to pull off and feed him. Within a few minutes, his good nature had run its course, and our baby was SCREECHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!It was time to pull over, lights or no, murderers or no. We pulled into an EXTREMELY one horse gas station. One flickering light, one gas pump, and many shady children of god lurking about. No bathroom. I went to the back to pull my boy out, and notice that he is wet from his shoulders down. Soaked. Awwww, poor boy! He must be cold! His diaper must have shifted and he peed himself to soaked capacity!Uh..........no. These are not called the pee files.I put him on the seat to change him, unbuttoned his little onesie, and my jaw literally, LITERALLY dropped open. (I always thought that was a figure of speech.)How do I effectively portray this moment?If you filled a big black iron witch's cauldron with thick, pudding like, mustardy poop, and then took a naked baby by the armpits, plunged him into the pot up to his shoulders, that is what he looked like. From the shoulders down to his feet, he was PLASTERED IN POOP. We could conjecture for a long time as to how this was possible, how all this gunk worked its way up to his armpits, down his arms, up his back, and down to his feet, but is there an answer? It just did. So, here we are, 11:30 at night, with no water around. Fortunately, we had a gigantic pack of wipes. But first, how to get the clothing off without war painting our baby's face with poop?I love having a husband with such brawny, sexy arms. Within Joe's golden tendons was the force necessary to take a baby's onesie, and gently rip it in half right off the baby! Without harming baby, or spreading bio waste anywhere! I had never been so attracted to my man. We used the entire, ENTIRE pack of wipes on that crime scene. Finally, an hour later, we were able to complete our coma like journey home. See, how I thought that was the worst poop experience ever? Then came poop file #2, and I was mistaken. But you gotta admit, it was still pretty bad. Oh well. Now we just laugh about it.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

In part one of my Costco tale, I spoke of endorphins. You know, those little things that exercise give you that make you feel mi-tee fine? In short, Costco gives you that healthy glow. After your shopping is done. Sure, coming out of that store feels great, you can't wait to get home and crack open that 7 pound bag of chips while reading your latest 5 dollar bestseller. But, as a firm believer in trade-offs and natural laws, I must also relate the yin to this yang. Like everything in this world,(even Katie Holmes) Costco has....a dark side.It begins about a half mile from the store. Embarking on your journey is fun, and exciting. What bulk treasure will you bring home today? Then, on the street before Costco avenue, it starts. Sweaty palms. Then, faster breathing, followed by a quicker heartbeat. Sweat drops appear on your temples, and your eyes begin darting back and forth. If you are a hater of anticipation, like me, then turning into the parking lot is the worst part. The question you first ignored, then tried to ignore begins beating against your skull until you simply can't pay attention to any other issue! Your children could be choking on their gum in the seat behind you, and all you can think is,WILL I GET A PARKING SPACE CLOSE TO THE DOOR??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Yeah right, you are thinking as you read this. Silly question, you are thinking. Totally not me, you are thinking.Well, I am unhappy to tell you that you are lying to yourself.Do you really go to Costco, and drive straight back to the parking spot that is open farthest back from the store? That empty space that feels lonely and neglected in the furthest corner? Take a moment to consider that.AHA!!!!! I saw that pondering look. No way jose! After a few hours you may eventually take that space, but no way do you head for it right away! You do what we all do. Drive slowly up and down the aisles, looking for a close empty spot, or watching for those shoppers with full carts huffing and puffing their way to their car. We are just as bad as the evil paparazzi!! In our quest for that close to the front parking space, we are all "paparazzi!" Only our esteemed title is....shopper stalkers! Let's face it folks, when a cart packed shopper leaves Costco, her trip to the car is more watched than Brittney Spears' trips to the gas station. Ok, almost as watched. Once she passes the fourth or fifth parking spot, the pressure is off. However, until that sixth parking spot....I have seen many shocking things.I have seen charitable women transform into horrific monsters.Sweet ladies who bake bread for their neighbors start to circle parking spots like hyenas around a felled gazelle! Bared teeth, manic panting, fevered grunting, screeches of rage, all from women you would have previously called first after a family emergency. I have seen a respected PTA president wait, count em, 45 minutes for me to vacate the spot I fought for, (and won) right in front of the door!Going to Costco is so totally exhausting that yes, you do need the energy saved by getting as close as you can to that giant line of glittering carts parked right there in the front.I support the troops, always have, always will, but I can't help but wonder if our soldiers shouldn't start holding boot camp in the war zone I describe here. They would learn valuable skills such as tracking (following the departing shopper) navigation (knowing where the most prime parking is located) and most essential of all, combat. Anyone in the armed forces could benefit from watching two minivan driving mamas grappling for the same skinny rectangle of achievement.There is only one feeling better than getting that spot right there in the front.Pulling out of it, and watching your rear view mirror. Go ahead, roll down the window, pull out ever so sloooooowly, wave and call out cheerily,"Let the games begin again! : )

Saturday, May 3, 2008

HOORAY!We finally went camping! Joe and I have always camped. Separately. For as long as we have been married, we have been regaling each other with idyllic memories of camping from our youths. Sadly, we have been unable to add to this mosaic of memories together because of evil forces conspiring against us. Well, to put it mildly, children. Actually, we have camped together a few times. Once before we were married (separate tents, so, only half a memory) once when Cleve was a baby, and once when I was 9 months pregnant with Kyle. Three times. Each time served as a lesson why camping was not quite as we remembered it. Each a tale in it's own right. Ok, I will tack those stories onto the end of this post. But, to get back to the camping trip right NOW, we finally decided to venture out, to take this bold step, and camp again! No longer would Mother Nature hold us back! We are the Segallas, and we intend to explore and conquer the world in our ancient tent trailer!So we went to Mojave Narrows, 10 minutes from home.I could go on, and on with words, but why? Pictures are better.We begin our trip with many smiles. Immediately, our campsite was interesting. On our left we had another cheerful LDS family. On our right we had a very large group of men. I'm sorry, did I say men? I meant women, who look like men.......if you get my drift..........the wind brought us many an interesting conversation.These pictures are pre -sunburn.Our first camp breakfast had to be pancakes, of course. Going on a camping trip without pancake mix is like going to, well, anywhere, without a camera!Sheesh!And syrup, wonderful syrup, how we love thee. We didn't waste a single drop!

We were lucky enough to have Uncle John join us for part of our first day, but he is very rude. At the breakfast table, he tells secrets!I spent most of the camping trip....wondering.....Oh well. He was probably telling Kurt that our male neighbors were not male. Who knows? Now, any family with young children will tell you that no matter what you do as a family, no matter where you go, you better be in close proximity to a slide and a pair of swings! So, in keeping with that philosophy, we spent part of our trip at the playground.Playgrounds are wonderful places for little boys to play.

On the way back from the park to the campsite, we all rode in air conditioned comfort in the truck while someone else panted in the heat.......

And, I have to take this moment to brag. Kurt rode that bike all the way to the park and back. That had to be, round trip, at least a mile! And for a four year old, that is amazing! We kept asking him if he was ok, if he wanted to ride with us, but, no siree bob! That boy grinned, and pedaled enthusiastically the whole way! And I complain if I don't get a parking space close to the store entrance! "And a little child shall shame you...."

Naturally, we had a fire both nights we were there. First we made our slaves dig the fire pit for us.We roasted so many marshmallows that sadly, the carcinogens we got from burning them did in fact, give us cancer.We told ghost stories, until Joe and I got too scared to tell them anymore. You see, Kurt horrifyingly became the ghost story.....

This morning, we had to come home. We had to. It was a necessity. The combination of the marshmallows, fire smoke, heat, and crazed napless children had made my poor hubby go crazy!

While there are some people in our family who are always happy no matter what................other family members did not take the news that it was time to go home so well.......But there was one more thing to do after packing up, one final hour of fun.

BULLFROG HUNTING!!!!!!!And rest assured everyone, these bullfrogs are alive, well, and living comfortablyin all their bullfrog glory in our front yard.We are now naming them!I am thinking Slimy, Very Slimy, and Wet Slimy,what do you think?

It was a great camping trip!

Okay, now for the other camping stories.On our first camping trip together, pre-eternity, we went to hole in the wall in the desert. It was a lot of fun, but very cold, and we had run out of fire wood! This is when we learned a very valuable trick. You can, in fact, burn cow pies! Wherever there are cows, there are piles of cow poop. And wherever there is cow poop, there are piles of dried up cow poop! They are grey, and light as air. And they burn great! They burn VERY VERY hot, and contrary to what you might think, they don't smell like anything when they burn! We had some neighboring campers who also ran out of fire wood, so they came to our campsite, and asked to borrow some. Alas, we said, we do not, but here is something else we found to burn...........their campsite was dark all night. Too bad for them!

Our second camping trip was a study in contrasts. This camping trip could be remembered as a nightmare, (best not remembered) but interestingly, it is one of my favorite memories. With Kurt and Cleve, we set off for Lake Isabella in January. Don't ask me why we thought it would be warm enough in January, we don't know why. Anyway, the weather forecast said the low would be like, 40, so we put our faith in that sun icon on the computer screen, and set off. Our first night was freezing cold. The fact that we were the only tent in the entire campground should have tipped us off, but, again we remained deliberately oblivious. The next morning, the camp manager told us we were very brave to camp with a 6 month old baby in 13 degree weather!!! Holy cow. The next night we spent at the pinnacles. (seen in planet of the apes) We did not let the absence of a campground stop us! We snuggled our gigantic 27 man tent right up to one of those weird piles of tufa!It was true roughing it. No water, going to the bathroom in a hole we dug...and....we did not count on the wind. It was like sleeping IN a tornado. Not to mention the fact that Kurt had cyclic vomiting syndrom (meaning he puked like, twice a day for months) and he picked the night we were at that non-campground to unload all over everything in the tent! No water, remember? So we got no sleep at all for the second night in a row. The next day was destination Death Valley! We never made it. On our way, we decided to check out a cool looking dirt road. We saw a dirt road going off that dirt road, and before you know it, we were 20 miles off the main highway. Suddenly, a strange noise. Thunk thunk thunk thunk thunk thunk.....can you guess? A flat tire!!!!!! Not only could we not hike 20 miles with a baby and a toddler, but we were in a valley so our cell phones didnt work. AAAAAAND....we did not have a jack in the car to change the tire!!!! But it turned out to be a cool spiritual experience, because we said a VERY earnest prayer, got in the car, and drove back that 20 miles at 5 miles an hour. Yes, it really did take 4 hours to drive 20 miles. But Heavenly Father saw us through, and when we got back, we just HAPPENED to run into a group of nice people who changed our tire with their jack! So after that, we gave up, and went home. And like I said, this trip could have been our worst vacation ever, but strangely, we don't remember it that way. We learned from that trip to ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS listen to the still small voice that is telling you NOT to go down that road!!!!!!