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Here we go again with my walk down Rental Regrets lane, where I come up with a horror movie from the 80’s that I kinda wish I would have rented. I watched literally hundereds of horror movies back then, but there are always a few that slipped through my chubby teenage fingers while I was at my favorite Mom & Pop video store. So what forgotten 80’s horror nugget is on my brain today?

Oh yeah! It’s Sorority House Massacre – another slasher movies in a sea of slasher movies that came out at that time. But look – there’s a scantily-dressed young lady on the cover about to remove her lingerie! How did I not rent this?!? Well, to be honest – I was most likely bored of the ‘slasher genre’ in the 80’s. They were a dime a dozen, and as much as I like girls running around in their underwear and having pillow fights while I murderer watches from an outside window……I became numb to all of it. But I have to say, I’m having regrets from not renting Sorority House Massacre and I think what sealed it for me (other than the above lingerie) was when I finally watched the trailer on Youtube:

Does this movie take place in Bedrock? Because I could have sworn I heard some Flintstones sound effects in there a few times. Anyway, time for me to stop procrastinating and start watching this sucker. Until then, I’ll just keep gazing up at the hot and sexy……..tagline ‘A slash course in absolute terror!‘.

Once in a while, a slasher film comes along that really gives me those funky 80’s slasher vibes. What is the criteria for that, you ask? Well…..hot girls, a lot of gore, and more hot girls! Luckily we had a movie give us that criteria in 2015, but a lot of you may not have seen it. It’s called Girl House. And yes, it has girls in it. See?

Oh sure, there are girls in Girl House. And really hot ones if I’m being completely honest. But what I really dug about the movie is that it doesn’t skimp on the gore either. Yes, it’s the typical ‘bullied kid grows up to get revenge and kill a bunch of people who bullied him‘ scenario, but Girl House is actually well done on a technical level. The practical effects hit the mark, and our killer named Loverboy is unapologetically brutal and brooding – exactly what a slasher villain should be! Any horror movie that isn’t afraid to be brutal to kids gets a ‘horror stamp of approval’ from me as well. See Exhibit A below:

Mean spirited? Yeah. But effective from a horror standpoint. I admire horror movies that come with fresh ideas and give us something that we haven’t seen before. But I also admire the horror movies that pay homage to a time when VHS copies of movies like Girl House were flying off the shelf at your local Mom & Pop rental stores. So seek out this underappreciated slasher if you can, especially if you’re into a lack of plot and lots of gore. Oh – and did I mention the hot girls? Yeah – lots of hot girls.

There’s nothing worse than being the redheaded stepchild of the 80’s slasher genre. Oh sure, you may have gotten picked up once or twice in the video store – but it may have always been a mercy fuck because Friday The 13th or Halloween wasn’t in stock.

Well – on this week’s Monday Bloody Monday, I’m giving some love to one of my favorite 80’s slasher stepchildren: The Mutilator. Now you may also know it by it’s other name Fall Break, but to me it will always be The Mutilator. Recently released on snazzy Blu-ray, I sat down and watched it again the other night and what a treat it was! Everything that an 80’s slasher should have: Bad acting, bad music, and great gore. Speaking of that gore, that’s why I’m here in this post today. Watch the clip below for all of the death scenes and obviously there are spoilers abound if you haven’t seen the movie. And if you haven’t – do yourself a favor and watch The Mutilator. Bet you won’t be able to get the theme song out of your head too.

While being bored on a Friday night recently, I discovered the 1987 horror/comedy slasher Slaughterhouse. It’s a charming little story about a father and son who own a, you guessed it…..slaughterhouse! They’re in danger of losing it to some big shots in town, so of course they decide to kill everyone to get even. Hilarity (both intentional and not) ensues, and I have to say that it was actually a refreshing watch.

Sooooooo, welcome to Monday Bloody Monday where I’m going to highlight a scene from the movie where Buddy Bacon (of course that’s his name) and his dimwitted son Lester take justice into their own hands and into their own meat grinder. Gotta love Buddy’s facial expressions during this scene. God bless 80’s horror and god bless Slaughterhouse! Oh – I almost forgot! I’m going to include a special PSA from the movie that warns you about smoking in the movie theater. Because that apparently happened in the 80’s. Enjoy!

Back in the day, horror movie posters could make or break whether you would put down your hard earned cash to watch a film. Trailers helped as well (more so nowadays), but if you saw a poster hanging in the theater lobby in the 80’s – you would most likely either be drawn to it or just walk right past it. So once in a while, I like to go back and find old horror movie posters that I love, even if the actual movie ended up being crap. Case in point: this poster for the 1982 slasher Alone In The Dark.

This poster realllllllly makes me want to watch a slasher movie. Maybe even go buy an axe too. Actually, I really miss the old school slasher films and would give my right nut to get some decent additions to the sub genre nowadays. That sounds extreme, I know, but that should tell you how much I love slashers. I also love this poster, even though it’s simple. And it reminds me of the original poster for Maniac, which only makes my love grow fonder.

As for the actual Alone In The Dark film, I wouldn’t get your hopes up if you haven’t seen it. Sorry to bring this post down. Sure it has big names like Jack Palance, Donald Pleasence, and Martin Landau – but overall it’s nothing more than a tepid (albeit somewhat enjoyable) 80’s slasher movie about mental patients who escape a hospital. Yawwwwwn. You can watch it on Youtube if you’d like, but instead I would suggest gazing up at the poster again and drooling all over your keyboard. Just make sure to have a towel handy because drooling isn’t very attractive.

With the year 2016 approaching at the end of the week, it’s time to dive into the shallow pile of horror movies that are set around the moment of New Year’s Eve. Not many to choose from, but Terror Train is always a crowd favorite. Not to Siskel & Ebert apparently though……

Gruesome stupidity! Oh if I had a dime for every time I heard that about a horror movie, I would really only have a dime because that’s the first time I’ve ever heard anyone use that phrase. Good ol’ Siskel & Ebert and their horror movie hating ways. I think any self-respecting horror movie fan knows that Terror Train wasn’t made to win any Oscars. Which is why I always love watching these old clips from when Siskel & Ebert would review horror movies because they just don’t seem to get it. And I’m pretty sure that there weren’t “buckets of blood” in the movie. In fact, Terror Train was pretty tame when it came to the gore. But alas, it’s still fun to listen to people who hate horror movies talk about hating horror movies. Happy New Year, everybody!

It can’t be argued too much that Madman Marz is the red-headed stepchild horror villain from 80’s slasher movies. Some of you may be reading this and not even know who Madman Marz is. For shame! Because in my opinion, the 1982 extra cheesy slasher film Madman defined what 80’s horror movies were all about back then, and deserves more recognition.

So, on this week’s Sunday Bloody Sunday I’m giving it some of that recognition! Oh, I could go on and on about the amazingly bad hot tub scene that’s in the movie (of which you can see HERE), but I would much rather focus on the death scenes. Did I also mention that Madman has some of the BEST sound effects and music ever? Gaze upon the carnage below to hear for yourself, and look out for my favorite at #9 in the clip. How the Academy overlooked her performance at the Oscars that year is a travesty.

Sorry to burst your bubble Michael Myers, but you’re not the only required viewing on Halloween night. Granted, I’ll be watching my fair share of the Halloween franchise leading up to and on October 31st, but it’s not the only game in town that sets the mood for All Hallows’ Eve. Isn’t that right Tobe Hooper’s 1981 underrated slasher, The Funhouse?

Easily one of my favorite guilty horror pleasures ever, this movie screams Halloween night viewing. It even has an opening scene that pays homage to the 1978 John Carpenter classic! And it’s just as incestuous as well. But incest aside, The Funhouse is definitely fun. Sorry for my lazy writing, but it’s Monday so give me a break. I myself love the old school dark rides that you’d find at amusement parks and creepy small town carnivals, so I was immediately in just based off of that alone.

The Funhouse is definitely a slow burn horror movie, but while it’s burning you get rewarding things like: actor Kevin Conway taking on three separate roles, a big giant fat laughing lady that sits atop the funhouse attraction, a creepy Frankenstein mask wearing creature that has equally creepy make-up effects underneath that mask courtesy of legendary artist Rick Baker, and four stupid teens who think it’ll be ok to spend the night in a carnival ride.

At the end of the day, The Funhouse doesn’t reinvent anything when it comes to the horror genre, but in it’s own special way it separates itself from the slasher herd. The money shot doesn’t disappoint when The Monster reveals himself before strangling the big breasted fortune teller to death – and from there on out it really becomes a nifty little ‘cat and mouse’ game. A horror movie is usually only as good as it’s villain, and in The Funhouse the combo of The Monster and Funhouse Barker take on that role and satisfy those who watch in the process. So do yourself a favor this Halloween and give this ‘little slasher movie that could’ a shot. You could do a lot worse. Right, Halloween: Resurrection?

Ok – here we go again with one of those impressive movie trailers that will either allow the film to live up to the hype or drown in it’s own mediocre bullshit. I must say that I’m impressed by this one, so let’s get right to it and check out the trailer for The Town That Dreaded Sundown:

Think of this as a sequel/reboot to the 1976 movie of the same name. I’ve always loved the whole ‘sack head killer’ angle (My favorite Friday The 13th sequel is probably Part 2), so it immediately gets points for that. And I’ve been fiending for a good slasher film because I’m bored with all of the paranormal/demonic stuff. Sometimes you just need some good ole fashioned slashin’!

And if you’re a fan of American Horror Story I’ve got good news for you because one of their directors, Alfonso Gomez-Rejon, directed this movie. That’s another aspect I love from the trailer – just the overall look of it. Bonus points for not looking cheap. Look out for The Town That Dreaded Sundown to hit select theaters and VOD in October (just in time for Halloween!) and we can all only hope that the trombone will make another appearance in this one. Yeah – he kills her with a trombone. That really happened.

*WARNING: The clip that you’re about to watch in this post contains an extremely unrealistic chopping off of an arm by an axe. You’ve been warned*

God bless Dario Argento. Why the hell doesn’t he make good movies anymore though? That’s a question that could take a while to find an answer to, so lets focus on some of his better work from days past to take our minds off of that.

On this week’s Sunday Bloody Sunday it’s about to get all giallo red up in here, because I’m highlighting one of the best and most ridiculous death scenes from Argento’s 1982 slasher: Tenebre. If you haven’t seen the movie, then I’m about to spoil the fact that the character of Jane is about to be hacked up by an axe murderer. But before she’s done for good, she’s going to decide to paint the beautiful white walls in her house bright red! I heard that she did always have dreams of becoming an interior designer.