by sanjosebarstool

Why, owner of a Smart car ask why your 500 pound car, why do you ask that it got tipped over? I’ll tell you why, because your vanity license (which you paid money for) plate is: “ITSMRT.” Seriously, we notice your car because it’s about the size of my fist, you don’t need to go ahead and glorify it, that’s where you get in trouble. If cars like this are being tipped over on the street, maybe park it in a garage. Yeah these guys are turds for doing it but I wouldn’t be surprised when this is happening all over the city. More importantly, you bought a small car that’s expensive, these vandals think you can afford to have it repaired and it doesn’t take more than a simple heave, ho to get it on its side. So don’t act surprised or have a “message” for these pricks. Realize that you’re driving around with a kick me sign on you back and move on. Grow up.

And now that kids don’t live on farms with cows to tip over, we gotta find something nobody really cares about to tip over, right?

Are you fucking kidding me? My friend has his only car, which he JUST finished paying off, nearly totaled by some punks for no reason at all, and you have the balls to tell him to “grow up” simply because you think his car is the equivalent of a “kick me” sign? You sound like the kind of person who would justify the bullying of kids because they “deserved it” for being themselves, and tell them to “grow up”. Ask yourself how you would like to be told to “grow up” when your piss-poor attitude gets you in some real trouble, big mouth.

Your article about the Smart car tipping is a hateful and distasteful a response to a crime towards the victim vs. the vandals. To say that the person whose car got damaged had it coming is like comparing a rape victim being to blame for wearing an outfit you don’t approve of… You are basically telling the people that read your blog that it is ok to vandalize someone’s property if that person takes a little pride in it like a special license plate or maybe just wearing a nice new coat. “Hey, he’s wearing a nice new coat. Let’s go damaged it because we can.” Sounds pretty stupid in other context, doesn’t it???

You know nothing about the owner of this Smart car, yet you assume he must have a lot of money so that makes it ok because he can afford to repair it???

“More importantly, you bought a small car that’s expensive, these vandals know you can afford to have it repaired and it doesn’t take more than a simple heave, ho to get it on its side.”

Maybe if you did ANYTHING positive in your life this blog would have a purpose. You could have asked the public for help and spread the word to figure out who these vandals are. No, instead, you blame the victim and tell him he had it coming. Just remember, karma’s a bitch!

@poster, @craig, @rich – be bigger cunts – you can’t. Tomorrow lunch is on me, 3 wahburgers (not to be confused with wahlburgers) each with some French cries and a whineken to wash it all down your pussy throats. Only mistake I see here is that a. the IT nerd wasn’t in the car and b. they should have just rolled it all the way down the hill. A+ blog

@ayoungvinbaker – first, the owner of the car is not an IT nerd. He is a regular guy who works a regular job just trying to pay his rent and car payment. Who the fuck are you to make up stories about who he is in and what he “deserves”? Second, you entitled douchebags act like you are so invincible and untouchable when you post this shit on blogs. Let me give you a taste of reality:

The owner of this blog is named Brandon Lynch. His twitter handle is @saintbrendon. He is 26 years old and was born on July 31, 1987 and lives in San Mateo. He moved here from Boston, Mass. He works in business development for a company called PokitDok where be tweets for work at @BrendanLynchDok. He thinks he is stand-up comedian and he is that douche that likes to brag that he bench presses 300 lbs. His biggest thrill was when he met Miss America on May 28th. I could go on.

It’s not hard to connect the dots on the internet. So next time you or he decide that someone “deserves” to have their car vandalized because you have made up some story in your mind about who they are, remember that someone can also easily decide that YOU “deserve it”, and it’s not that hard to find out who you are.

Good evening, sanctimonious and delusional denizens of the Bay Area. In an effort to make clear the raison d’être of my rabid diatribe, allow me to introduce myself and provide a bit of background information to provide context for my content. My name is John, and following brief stints in the fairy tale kingdoms of Childhood and Adolescence, for much of the past decade I have resided in the relatively nightmarish Real World. In accordance with my understanding that many, if not most, of you are in no way familiar with this particular locale, I will provide a brief description.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING PASSAGE IS CONTAINS A GRAPHIC DEPICTION OF REALITY AND MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR NORTHERN CALIFORNIANS. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. NOTIFICATION OF THE END OF THIS DESCRIPTION WILL BE OFFERED IN THE FORM OF THE PHRASE “WAKE UP.”

The Real World is a harsh and unforgiving place, rife with tragic and traumatic events, unfair and cruel circumstances, maddening and depressing states of affairs, and seemingly endless student loan payments. Within its confines, residents are often faced with difficulty attaining employment commensurate with their qualifications, already-unaffordable-yet-somehow-still-rising housing costs, and, perhaps worst of all, people with the ability to make light of unfortunate situations, often at the expense of those affected.

At this time, I’d like to further explore this specific set of Homo horridus. These “people,” if we choose to classify them as such, display a propensity for saying or writing things which overly-sensitive and self-important sufferers of illusory superiority find crass, offensive, and repugnant to their own moral sense. To compound their offense, these hurlers of remarks referred to within their own vile circles as “jokes,” are rarely apologetic. In fact, after knowingly and willingly upsetting the delicate sensibilities of their entirely blameless victims, they are known to engage in the activity of “laughing.” Even when challenged by claims which pile logical fallacies atop each other in a sort of argumentative Jenga, they remain defiant, steadfast in their mission to find a fleeting flash of joy within their mundane and mostly miserable lives.

WAKE UP.

Am I actually supposed to be swayed by your often nonsensical cries of woe regarding this incident? Am I expected to mimic your meritless refrain of righteous indignation on behalf of the afflicted abject attention addict? All adolescent, asinine, anguishing, and agonizing alliteration aside, any anger aimed at an author, absent an actual and admissible apologia, acts as an annoyance and augments an already admirable acuminous arsenal, aiding any acquired abilities available as adequate and, alas, appropriate actions avidly announcing assumed acerbic and acrimonious animosity, assholes.

If your mission was to garner sympathy for the victim of this vandalism, you have failed spectacularly. Despite your ranting and raving, you’ve only succeeded in making yourselves the targets of further mockery. You see, in the Real World, as previously described, it’s not always rainbows and butterflies; we ostracize to move us along.

You all must accept that, in 21st century American society, you are unlikely to find much success if you aren’t able, not only to take a joke, but to take an insult. It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad world in which we live, and if you aren’t capable of ignoring insignificant comments, especially those which aren’t directed toward you, you are destined to a lifetime of perpetual ire. If you honestly feel the need to insert yourself into an ostensibly benign situation with the sole intent of engaging in outrage-by-proxy, your horse is far too high and it’s about time you got off.

To this point, my comments have been aimed, not only at previous posters, but all self-deputized members of the self-aggrandizing, pompous, and pretentious PCPD. Now, since sleep eludes me, I’ll begin dissecting and destroying the viability and credibility of individual comments. So, strap yourself in and get ready for a round of Find the Fallacy, logicians’ favorite game show.

We’ll start with the appropriately flat comments of poster65:

“So you blame the owner instead of the pricks?”

While this comment, in and of itself, isn’t fallacious, it is certainly naive. Obviously the vandals bear a greater portion of blame, but the so-called victim can’t be entirely exculpated. As I previously explained, the world isn’t filled with shiny, happy people. In fact, it’s been my experience that most people are assholes. Armed with this information, as anyone with a partially functioning brain should be, if you choose to bring this sort of inflammatory attention upon yourself in a vain attempt to gain the approval and admiration of your peers, you must be willing to accept the potential and in many cases inevitable negative consequences. You’re essentially daring people to damage your car. I feel like there are proverbs involving fire, getting burned, messing with bulls, and getting the horns that further illustrate my point, but I’ll leave it to you to find them.

“By your logic, anyone who has nice things deserves to have them vandalized.”

The faulty logic here is in its gross exaggeration. The lack of a sufficient sample creates a false equivalence. This is a clear example of reductio ad absurdum.

“You need to grow up.”

This will be used as a catch-all for all further examples of inconsequential ad hominem attacks. Implying that the author lacks maturity based on a sample of this size, only indicates that the commenter had begun to run out of ammo, and this was the last gun in the bullet, so to speak (if you don’t understand that reference, why are you here at all?).

Our next contestant is the aptly-named Craig. Name a worse name for a guy. You can’t.

“My friend has his only car, which he JUST finished paying off, nearly totaled by some punks for no reason at all, and you have the balls to tell him to “grow up” simply because you think his car is the equivalent of a “kick me” sign?”

Oh, boy. Where to begin with this train wreck? I guess the best place to begin is at the beginning. You started this sentence with, “My friend has his only car,” do you know what that makes this entire complaint? A useless, singular anecdote. I could tell you plenty of stories about shitty things that have happened to my friends, but I won’t because they fundamentally lack the capacity to hold water in this, or any other, argument. Moving on. So, stating an opinion with which you disagree constitutes having balls? The vast majority of American society has deemed these “cars” to be the equivalent of “Kick Me” signs. The creator of this blog isn’t using personal bias, he’s following social convention. With that in mind, your claim that the car was “nearly totaled by some punks for no reason at all,” is spurious at best, refer to my recent comments regarding the “Kick Me” sign for further explanation.

“You sound like the kind of person who would justify the bullying of kids because they “deserved it” for being themselves, and tell them to “grow up”.”

Objection, your honor, assuming facts not in evidence. SUSTAINED. I could tell you that you sound like the kind of person who was writing about an event from his own pathetic life and attributing it to a “friend” whose mere existence is highly suspect. I won’t do that, though, because I sense much anger in you, and I’d rather not incur your overwhelming wrath. The absurd implication that these people are buying these glorified Power Wheels solely as an expression of their individuality won’t fly around here. These vehicular abortions are a desperate cry for attention. Nothing more, nothing less.

“Ask yourself how you would like to be told to “grow up” when your piss-poor attitude gets you in some real trouble, big mouth.”

Have you seen the guy who writes these blogs? He’s a total workout hardo. He can pull off having a “piss-poor attitude,” because if his “big mouth” ever gets him “in some real trouble,” his big muscles will probably be an effective asset (No homo. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)).

Moving on, we have @Rich73 coming in hot.

“Hi”

Starting a complaint with a polite greeting is weak. Plain and simple. In any aggressive encounter, it’s eminently important to establish dominance early. This passive/aggressive start to your post already has you playing catch up.

“To say that the person whose car got damaged had it coming is like comparing a rape victim being to blame for wearing an outfit you don’t approve of.”

Bravo, Rich. Using the old reductio ad rapiendum, otherwise known as the “Rape Card,” which can be seen as a corollary to Godwin’s Law. By comparing an act of vandalism, which generally only leads to financial injury, to an abhorrent and violent crime, which not only causes extensive physical injury, but often long-term psychological damage, you are greatly lessening the impact of rape, thereby promoting “Rape Culture,” whatever that actually means. Where’s the outrage from the militant feminists? Why hasn’t a “KO @Rich73” been established? I think this is a definite double stander (again, if you don’t get that, get with the program, bro).

@Rich73 goes on to make ridiculous claims; however, since I have invoked Godwin’s Law, he automatically loses the entire argument.

There is one more part of his post that I’d like to address before moving on:

“Maybe if you did ANYTHING positive in your life this blog would have a purpose.”

For the purposes of full disclosure, I have never met the creator of this blog and the extent of my knowledge of his life is wholly derived from Twitter. That being said, he seems to be “on calls” a lot, and he works at a Northern California startup that is considering adding treadmills to workstations. Combine those, and I’m pretty comfortable saying that he has done something positive in his life, but good game, good effort, @Rich73.

Well, as the sun is rising on the east coast, that brings us to the conclusion of this Bay Area Beat Down. If you have any questions, comments, observations, or lamentations regarding the way I choose to waste a sleepless early morning on a Saturday, kindly keep them to yourselves. That is all; feel free to return to your previously scheduled masturbation.

@poster break out your dictionary and read brother John’s post above. Take 10 deep breaths and imagine the real-life evisceration (literal if need be) on your horizon if I was to take you up on the vaguely guised threat you just proposed. Said simply, people like you should want nothing to do with people like me.

John Dooley, thank you for staying up until 3 AM and wasting the better part of your night to write the longest pile of douchebaggishness ever conceived over a six pack of PBR and an pretentiously inflated sense of self-worth. I didn’t read it – I didn’t need to go past the first few sentences to see that it sounded like the ravings of Eliot Rodger and was not worth my time. But I am glad that you wasted your Saturday night writing it, which speaks volumes about you. Just don’t do like others of your ilk and go shoot up a college campus to make up for your lack of social skills.

As for the bro-tard “ayoungvinbaker”, your attempt at trolling is pretty pathetic. The three of us, who are all friends of the victim of this crime, are all in our 40s and find your comments about “wahburgers” to be stupid and juvenile. Indeed, grow up. You did get one thing right though – people like use DO want nothing to do with people like you.

Craig (If that is your real name, and I sincerely hope it isn’t; no man should be forced to bear such a burden), since you were unimpressed with my prior comments, despite admittedly only reading the first few sentences, I’ve decided to alter the format, opting for a list of numbered comments instead of the standard paragraph structure I employed last night. I hope this style will be better suited to your limited attention span, but, as brevity has never been a strength of mine, I make no guarantees.

1) I live in America’s relevant time zone, so my prior comment was posted at 6:00 EDT.

2) Can you explain the concept of a “long pile” to me? I’m familiar with things being “piled high.” I remember Brenda & Eddie, the king and the queen of the prom, getting a “deep pile carpet” (and a couple of paintings) from Sears in the summer or ’75. I can’t envision a “long pile,” despite my sincerest effort. I’ve always equated piles with height, not length, but what do I know?

3) It’s considered non-standard usage to include both progressive (staying, wasting) and infinitive (to write) verbs within the same clause. While not considered entirely wrong by MLA standards, it would not be the most correct answer on a standardized test. Sadly, I’m left with no choice but to deduct points for this grammatical faux pas.

4) Douchebaggishness? Really, bro? To avoid betraying your lack of defamatory acumen in the future, consider using “douchebaggery,” which, though it hasn’t yet been included in a scholarly compendium of verbiage, its Urban Dictionary entries show that it has permeated American popular culture, and is far more likely to be recognized and acknowledged than the utterly preposterous “douchebaggishness.”

5) Although I don’t dislike PBR, there is no justification for classifying it as a “Premium” beer, as it is in Boston, and charging the same price as craft beers; therefore, I rarely drink it. When I do, buying a six pack is never part of my thought process; no self-respecting 20-something man would ever limit himself to so few beers. If I plan to drink a lot, which I normally do, I’ll drink Bud Light. If I’m having a few beers at dinner, I prefer Belgian White ales, particularly Harpoon UFO. During the summer, my preferred beach beer is Landshark Lager.

6) I categorically reject the premise that I have “an [sic] pretentiously inflated sense of self-worth.” I have no delusions regarding my worth as a human being; I fully accept that I’m unexceptional in almost all regards. That does not, however, preclude me from recognizing and satirizing the social ineptitude of others.

7) The comparison to mass-murderer Elliot Rodger is obvious. Mocking San Franciscans’ complete detachment from reality outside of their trivial enclave is clearly the same as declaring your intention to enact revenge on society for perceived injustices, and then following through on your threats by murdering several people. I practically plagiarized his entire manifesto; you caught me. For the sake of argument, though, why don’t we pretend that their is a complete absence of similarity in both style and content. I think you would find it beneficial to familiarize yourself with the concept and execution of satire. Maybe that will change your point of view regarding the similarities and differences between satire/mockery and sociopathic lunacy.

8) It’s strange to read that you’re glad I wasted my Saturday night writing my first post, given that it was posted Saturday morning and I haven’t quite mastered time-travel yet.

9) As for my comments speaking volumes about me, I understand your perspective. Under ordinary circumstances, a guy my age should be at a bar with friends on a Friday (or was it Saturday?) night. Under ordinary circumstances, that’s likely what I would have done; however, my circumstances are not ordinary at the moment. Having recently undergone a second major spinal surgery of the year, I’m currently taking a fairly significant dose of painkillers daily, and though I’d never be accused of being overly responsible, even I recognize that, for the time being, drinking is ill-advised. While I will concede that composing a pseudo-dissertation on the internet is a strange choice, a single decision is not nearly enough information to compile “volumes about me.”

10) Given that you were ignorant of my current condition, I hardly think you have sufficient data to determine either my ilk or my social skills. As you were unaware of my situation, I’ll give you a pass on that particular assault on my character, even though it has absolutely no basis in fact.

In terms of the comments you directed at me, I’ve expressed my strong disagreement with your opinions, but I’m not done; I have only just begun to insult.

As I move to the latter portion of your remarks, I’ve decided to return to standard prose. Within your second paragraph, you manage to call someone a “bro-tard” and later call his comments juvenile. Irony, thy name is Craig. Tough break for irony getting stuck with such a miserable name. You also mention that you and your friends are all in your 40s. Given that information, may I suggest you do yourselves and everyone else a favor and continue your mid-life crisis elsewhere. Nobody here is either interested in or intimidated by your laughably frail tough guy persona, as you cloak yourself in assumed internet anonymity. You are the epitome of insignificance and your immense insecurity is causing you to lash out at others for displaying the temerity to make a joke. Newsflash, buddy, this story is funny; it doesn’t lose this quality based on the complaints of those who are adversely impacted. Is that fair? Of course not, but the harsh reality is that next to nothing in life is fair. The sooner you accept this universal truth, the sooner you can stop making a fool of yourself, both on the internet and in real world interactions.

The fact that you’re tangentially involved in this particular story means your opinions will clearly be biased, as your perception of the issue is skewed. As such, you’re left alone to scream in solitude, without a single disinterested party willing to listen to your self-serving objections. Another thing you need to take into account is that, on an insensitivity scale, this issue is barely measurable. Here’s one last attempted wake-up call, a last ditch effort to make you realize that you don’t have a leg to stand on: Society doesn’t take anyone’s feelings into consideration when telling or writing jokes; therefore, society will not be moved when people are inevitably offended by these jokes.

In closing, you’re left with two choices: Acquire an ability to appreciate the ubiquity of humor, even in cases which may affect you in an unfair, unpleasant, or unfortunate manner; or, continue to complain in a futile fight for fairness, with the understanding that no one is likely to take your side.