William Hague releases sex tape in apparent heterosexuality ‘proof’

William Hague yesterday announced the release of an explicit marital sex video amid continuing speculation of improper relations with a young male aid. Speaking in front of assembled journalists, the Foreign Secretary made a short statement before screening ‘Leaking the Hagues: Private and Confidential’ to startled onlookers.

Billed under the heading ‘Secretarial Briefs’, journalists expressed consternation after the screening as they had been expecting a question and answer session on Turkey’s admission to the EU. The full significance of the title only became clear when, at 0:36, the Foreign Secretary enters shot wearing only two red ministerial boxes, underpants, sunglasses and a baseball cap.

Denying accusations that the video, which at one point sees the Foreign Secretary use the term ‘backbencher’ as a verb in relation to his wife, is a cynical and grossly misjudged attempt to dismiss speculation of alleged homosexuality, a spokesperson for Mr Hague said, ‘This simply isn’t about whether William is gay or not. The fact that the Foreign Secretary is clearly a powerful, heterosexual parliamentarian really doesn’t enter into it. This is about being open and honest with the electorate. It’s about letting the voters see the man behind the policy. And how better to do this than by showing the Foreign Secretary jack-hammering his wife?’