I am now in the early stages of recovering from major knee surgery. I also have taken on massive amounts of debt in order to pursue my dream/calling by enrolling as a graduate student at Fuller Theological Seminary. Whoa.

I am both excited and overwhelmed. Thrilled and terrified.

As if those events are not emotional enough, I’ve had a hard couple of weeks relationally. About two months ago, I became close and emotionally attached to someone. We had great, daily, day-long conversations. We would argue sometimes because we were different, but I cared for her and I think it’s safe to say that she cared for me.

This week, she told me she thought it was best that we parted ways. The emotions were too heavy, I guess.

The problem with that is that I have never been good with people. I usually don’t like them and they often feel the same about me. So, it’s hard to meet someone who I both like and am liked by, only to have them walk away because of the heaviness of emotions, even if it might be “unhealthy” to continue the relationship.

This is compounded by some unpopular posts I’ve made in a online community I’m apart of. Originally, I was happy to be apart of that community because I felt loved and safe to share who I really am. The honeymoon period has worn off for me, I guess, because I rarely feel loved or safe there anymore. When you are a jerk, people care less about you being authentic and more about you not being such a jerk, it seems. I don’t take criticism or rebukes very well, unless it’s from people who have known me for a long time and proven that even my nastiest side won’t scare them away. When I am criticized by people who I haven’t known very long, or who I feel don’t know me very well, I lash out. I become cynical and say things with the intent to retaliate and cause pain as I have been caused pain. When I see other’s happy and loved I get jealous and angry and try to rain on people’s parades. Part of me says that I’m just speaking truth that they can’t see because they are wearing rose colored glasses (and I still think this is partly true), but when I see the pain I’ve caused, it’s too late to repair the damage. People flee from me like they flee from New Orleans during a hurricane. And I can’t blame them. Even when I’m offered forgiveness, it’s clear that the dynamics of the relationship have changed. Is there truly a way to get that back? Do I even want it back? Or is there a perverse part of me that would rather be lonely and hurting as long as it means that I am right?

It’s no secret that I’m awkward. Just look at the title of the blog. I’m starting to wonder if the cause of my lack of friends and successful relationships goes deeper than simple awkwardness though.

I’m scared. I’m sad. I’m overwhelmed. I don’t know what to do.

My only option is to cast my cares upon Him, for He cares about me. And he cares for you too. Let’s not forget that. He cares for us. He will never leave us or forsake us. Sometimes it feels too little. But, if we knew the reality of his love for us, we would be overwhelmed with the depths of his friendship…and the fact that he likes us as people. That’s enough for me.