JOHN JAY – Residents of John Jay 8 were shocked to discover, upon returning to the floor on Wednesday evening, that the men’s bathroom just “smells like shit for some reason.” “It smells like downright ass in there,” said Dan Smith CC ’18 with a grimace.

“Yeah, it reeks like a dying animal, if an animal were about the size of a toilet bowl, brown, and made of feces,” chimed in his floormate, Greg Feldman CC ’18.

Over the last few days, residents have bonded through the collective suffering of the floor. “We should call the Earth Institute or something,” lamented Arnold Zhou, SEAS ’18, to his fellow students. “Somebody literally dropped a straight assquake.”

Conjectures regarding the origin of the smell are rampant. As of press time, however, one can sense that the fetid floor has reached a consensus. As one resident put it: “To be honest, this sort of thing is pretty inevitable when you’re living only nine flights up from an endless stream of JJ’s chipotle burgers.”