Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Great Europa Expedition (Part Two)

When we last left our intrepid journey I did a lot of boring crap that I dressed up as interesting using fluffy language. This will continue in part two. :P

All of my wildest dreams came true as I went on THE LONDON DUCK TOUR. I WAS ON A DUCK!!! A FREAKING DUCK!!! WHOO!!! For those of you living in some myopic hellscape for the majority of your hideous earthbound existence a duck is an amphibious vehicle suited for both sea and land transport that was the same ones they used in the D-Day invasion of Normandy during World War Two. Unfortunately this time I did not get to gun down a horde of Nazis, have my arm blown off and still manage to crawl valiantly through enemy lines until the enemy commander stood over me, and I reached with my only good arm to pull the pin of a grenade on my belt, detonating us both and lauding me as the hero of heroes for all time. I didnt get to do that... but instead I threw some rocks at some old ladies from the duck as they were ambling along the street. So pretty close.

The guide on the duck was sent down from heaven solely for me. His commentary consisted of a bunch of genius information, gleefully intertwined with ridiculous overusage of big words and English nerd diction like 'social dystopia', 'sanguine' and 'the twilight of a fading democracy'. Needless to say I'm lucky the duck went in the Thames at the end because it disguised my need for a change of pants.

The next day I proved my complete dominance of the London underground by navigating four changes of tube lines from Shepherd's Bush station to Clapham Common. You will not listen to anybody else on this matter but me, and I fucking owned that son of a bitch. That day involved me wandering through the largest mall I have seen in my life, I walked around for 2 hours and apparently only covered a third of it. Notable stores I saw beyond the eternity of clothes and shoe shops which all kind of blended into a haze of endless commercialist sludge were the Disney store, the Card Heaven store, the Carphone Warehouse and the Antique vases featuring German Shepherds store (P.S: One of these stores is fake. Can you guess which one? :P).

Yesterday I journeyed to All Star bowling lanes, a classic American style 1950s bowling lanes and diner. In the 2 games we played I unfortunately managed only second place when Nicole decided to play the game of her life, knocking over pins in a precision frenzy akin to the soldiers who rushed in and popped Bin Laden (or so they would have us believe... :P). She ended up with the crazy score of 128 while I languished on 111, which is one sixth of the devil's number for some reason.

Today the unholy hell of Crohn's kicked in and forced me to stay in languishing in my own lack of energy and soreness. Lame :P Well those are the 'haps' as they would say on the street. Stay tuned for more lame adventures dressed up in wordplay next time!!