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Monday, June 01, 2015

Facebook status updates part XXXV (May 2015)

My chakras are
blocked. I can get one across but not four down.

Jesus fanfic where
the resurrection is Jesus trying to get out of paying child support
to Mary Magdalene.

“It’s not the
tunnels under closed WalMart stores you need to worry about, but the
ones under the open ones. The ones connected to all other
hypercentres and big-box stores. Because of what will happen when
the pattern is completed. Oh, you think there is no pattern, do you?
Compile a list of products these stores won’t sell, the ones they’d
rather didn’t exist at all. Then you’ll be closer to
understanding what the glyph they are making is for.”

They say that if you
live in a glass house you should not throw stones. It may be more
prudent to ask some piercing questions of the real estate agent who
sold it to you.

Everyone told him to
slow down, that the race wasn’t always to the fastest, that life
itself wasn’t a race. But each hurried step and cardio workout told
another story, wove another tale. The lazy, he’d say, don’t get
promoted, and he would smile and everyone would shake their heads and
believe him and almost no one knew he moved so fast because he
thought Death was always behind him and that, when the time came, he
would run even from that.

“I was scared. That’s why I fell in
love with you, why I couldn’t stop myself. Because love is
wonderful and stupefying and beautiful in all the ways and shapes of
the world. But it shifts and changes as we change, as the world
changes. It isn’t constant. It’s not forever. But to not have it
at all, to be so brave I wouldn’t subject you to such a shifting
wildness of my heart? I couldn’t do that. I wasn’t that brave.
The world wouldn’t let me be that brave.

“I guess what I’m saying is that
you don’t need to get me flowers for mother’s day.”

This post is gluten-free.

“I am sorry,” he said, as though
words could answer tears. “I am sorry you had to find out this way.
But there is a reason I never show up in lists of recommended blogs,
mother.”

“I used to be scared of you. Of every
lie I had to tell in order to bring a smile to your face.”

“We used to be so
much more than this. Before we became gods. Now everything is larger
– feelings, desires, wishes. We are so much more than human and
yet. And yet I feel less without all those petty fears driving me
onward to my own destruction. A curious thing, is it not? Hardly
enough to make me set aside my power, but it is very curious that a
part of me wants to be so small again and mistakes a that for
strength.”

This
is not the sext you are looking for.

“I
curse you,” the witch had said, “to never speak another cliche at
all.”

The
next day, you asked me if I loved you.

If we treated each
other as if there were no gods to fall back on and nothing after this
life at all then we could live in the best of all possible worlds.

“If you really
loved me, you’d make me into a #hashtag.”

“I don’t want to
hurt you.”

“Then you should
never have said hello.”

The scars you did
not leave me ache only under moonlight.

The doctor claims
they are stitches, but you know the truth: with each stitch removed,
a new demon of pain would be born in the world. And you cannot bear
to let this happen. Better by far the stitches melt into your skin
than some new pain be born.The doctor claims they are stitches, but
you know the truth: with each stitch removed, a new demon of pain
would be born in the world. And you cannot bear to let this happen.
Better by far the stitches melt into your skin than some new pain be
born.

Love may make the
world go round, but hate is the glue that holds it together.

They said: take our
words and write them down, that mankind might know the sacred truth.
And, Oh, I did, and gave them away that the whole world might
understand – but you turned them into memes. You turned the
salvation the aliens offered into memes. I do not know what they will
do now. I just do not know.

I didn’t mean
what happened. I think, as it stands, I get drunk on your anger.

"You're making
too much noise! It's seven a.m. and --."

"We're moving.
So you can kiss my strata fees."

Everything a
magician learns is a teaching of themselves.

“Oh, my back! My back! I can’t get
up!”

“Revered Teacher, is this a
meditation on the futility of belonging to material things?”

“No it damn well
isn’t! Get me some drugs now!”

There is a secret
page on Wikipedia that lists the death dates for every living person.
It has never been wrong yet. The only protection is to never be
famous enough to have your own Wikipedia page.

“We’re not going
through getting a dog again, not after last time. I’d rather one of
our kids died instead.”

“I used to be
terrified of your words. Now all that scares me is your silences.”

I keep forgetting
there is a price tag attached to every compliment you give out.

Everything was hard.
The conversations at work his mother and father had never prepared
him for turned out to be the worse. There would be discussions of
dentists, and chiropractors, and family doctors. Kids with colds,
flues, hay fever. And he listened, but could not participate. Did not
understand. He would tell people his home was cold, if they asked why
he didn’t shiver, and no one knew he meant his fortress in the
arctic. He made up stories about his diet to explain why he never
took a sick day.

And he took to
flying longer. To be noticed. To not dodging the missiles the
military fired at him so quickly. But at best there was pressure, or
bruises that didn’t hurt at all. Pain was for those who could feel
pain, for those who were not invulnerable. He looked human, but he
knew he was alien. That he’d arrived by rocket in Kansas. And he
never felt more alien than when Lois cut her finger on paper and he
realized he had no idea what his own blood even looked like.

“It’s your
fault. If you hadn’t raised me, I would be like this. I wouldn’t
do things like this. The ropes are so tight because you made me join
the Boy Scouts. It’s all your fault.”

“Is this ethical?”

“I don’t see why
not: we need to know how effectively the prisoners are being
tortured.”

“But a Fitbit on
each of them?”

Sometimes it feels
as though the whole world is a corrupted user interface.

“I don’t care if
your father invented the time machine, a dinosaur is NOT an
acceptable aid animal.”

“Don’t you ever
stop to wonder at what passes for sanity within the confines of your
own head?”

“We decided that
seceding from the country was a foolish endeavour. Instead, we’re
becoming an Islamic caliphate.”

A collection of miscellany

Condoms will break, but I can assure you that vows of abstinence will break more easily than condoms.

- Dr. Joycelyn Elders

In fantasy, impossible things exist. In science fiction, impossible things exist and can be understood by humans. In supernatural horror, impossible things exist and cannot live in peace with humans.

- Will Shetterly

We are living in a time when you can believe anything, as long as you do not claim it to be true.

- Ravi Zacharia

Religion teaches the dangerous nonsense that death is not the end.

- Richard Dawkins

In the time of harmony the golden age is not in the past, it is in the future

- Paul Signac

"No" is the wildest word in the English language.

- Emily Dickinson

The middle ground between genuinely true and outright faking is unconscious delusion.

- Dean Radin

“You have to surrender to your mediocrity, and just write. Because it’s hard, really hard, to write even a crappy book. But it’s better to write a book that kind of sucks rather than no book at all, as you wait around to magically become Faulkner. No one is going to write your book for you and you can’t write anybody’s book but your own.”