People I Don’t Have Time For

To the dozen or so of you that still do this, I implore you – please have the check filled in BEFORE the cashier tells you the total. Also, if you could move off to the side when you are balancing your checkbook after the transaction, that’d be great.

PEOPLE WHO ARE MEAN BARISTAS

I get it. You’re like suuuuper cool. You’re misunderstood. You’ve got 20-something angst pulsing through your veins. You’ve got on super high-waisted pants, suspenders and what looks like a monocle around your neck. You couldn’t possibly muster a smile or dare I say, a “What can I get you?” Instead, you stare through me, looking into a great abyss of cool hipster things that I could not possibly understand, until I politely ask for a drip coffee. In perfect vocal fry, you let me know you only have french press and tell me it’ll be ready “in like 10 minutes”. No big. I say, “Sounds great! Yum! I love french press!” To which you raise your bushy eyebrows and without words, flip the screen of the iPad around to show me a $5 total. I pay and tip a dollar because at least one of us have manners. I smile as you roll your eyes toward the line behind me, stacked with customers eager to be treated this way and sip their $7 latte so they can take a selfie with the cup outside.

PEOPLE ON THE TRAIN WHO DON’T GIVE UP THEIR SEATS

We live in a different time. Gone are the days of men offering their seats to women on buses or trains. Of people offering their seats to the elderly, disabled, mothers with a babies or pregnant women. I cannot tell whether or not people are simply embarrassed, not wanting to come off as chauvinistic or sexist, or maybe they don’t want the other person to think they look like they need a seat. I think that’s probably what it is. People these days are so scared of offending anyone so they lean too far the other direction. But when I see able-bodied college boys too engrossed in their phones to notice the little elderly woman with a cane, obviously needing a seat – it just frosts my cookies. **I know the able-bodied college boys could also have a disability that is not obvious…but I’m #justsayin’.

PEOPLE WHO HAVE CAMEL-TOE

Obvs I’m speaking to the young lasses out there. The younger generation has brought with it lots of amazing things. It’s true, millennials can be a thorn in our side but I think this cockiness and self-righteousness could lead to major innovation down the road. One thing it has also brought BACK however, are camel toes. I partially blame the fashion industry, for encouraging girls who are uneducated in the ways of “the toe” to wear high-waisted, super tight jeans OR black leggings (with socks and Birkenstocks) with EVERYTHING. I think the mothers of these gals need to step up to the plate a little, show them proper lady-pant etiquette so we can all move on with our lives.

PEOPLE WHO SAY WATER TASTES GOOD

Water is essential to human life. We all need it. And some people I’ve discovered are better at drinking it than others. Take me, for example. I LOVE how water makes me feel – hydrated, happier, not to mention my skin looks better! But do I LIKE drinking it? Heyllll no. Maybe if it tasted like Diet Coke, Crystal Light or Grape Fanta. But then there’s the people that are all, “OMG this water tastes soooo good.” And I’m just like, “I don’t have time for you.”