A Modest Proposal to Parents Concerning Child Healthcare

This is satire based off of Jonathan Smith's own Modest Proposal. The purpose of this is to take such a conservative of a view on vaccines that it shows the flaws in it. I hope this essay convinces at least one person to reconsider their stance on vaccinations.

A Modest Proposal for bestowing parents of the democratic United States of America with the rightful ability to have full autonomy over their young children.

It is a harrowing state our society is in to have so many children who are left to the will of the masses. The parents of such children either simply do not care for them and leave the child rearing to television shows and pop culture, or they truly are uneducated on the multitude of options they have when it comes to the welfare of their offspring, choosing to be followers rather than increasing their knowledge. Consequently, the children of such parents suffer and are exposed to many execrable things.

No longer should our good nation’s children be faulted purely because their parents do not want to put the time or effort into the prosperity of their progeny. Since these parents clearly don’t know what path to follow and are too easily swayed by fake news, they need to have their decisions made for them in order to secure the best possible outcome for the future of the world. It is our duty as the current citizens of planet Earth to make sure our children’s health is optimal. If we don’t, next thing you know, the world’s destruction will be imminent, and there won’t be enough able-bodied people to put a stop to it. It is up to us, the freethinkers of the modern world, to curtail our current path before it is too late despite the ostracization we are sure to face.

As for myself, I have considered my stance for many years, consulted many experts and health-professionals, and reached out to paragons of parenting. They all come back to me with the same educated opinion on child health care, and I submit them as proof of the beneficial nature of my plan. These are the voices we should be listening to, not so-called scientists and phony politicians who want to turn Americans into sheep. This is a call to arms. We must stop being negligent with our children and be given the ability to take autonomy over their health. The future of the world is at stake.

It is my proposal that we stop this war on parents and children. We must illegalize “the number one cause of death in the United States,” (SP Team). The killer is not guns or video games or the lack of helmets; no, the killer is far worse. We must illegalize vaccines.

Vaccines are the current vice of the modern world. Everyday, millions and millions of parents gamble their children's lives when they choose to deny common sense and inject their “precious” children with alien substances, but the cards are stacked against these parents. Skilled doctors and specialists who have devoted their lives to such immunizations have the upper hand in these games and lie about what goes into vaccines and the research behind them. Now, with the outlawing of vaccinations, us conscious Americans will finally win. There are many benefits beyond parents finally acquiring the rights they deserve, and I believe that such benefits will sway many right-minded adults to support my cause.

Firstly, illegalizing harmful vaccinations will halt any risk of neurodevelopmental disorders, such as autism. With the modern practice of immunizing our nation’s children, cases of autism have skyrocketed; this clearly has no correlation to the advancement in “diagnostic criteria and increased awareness” (Plotkin, Gerber, & Offit). No. It has to be vaccines that are causing this increase in reports of autism, and if we permanently end vaccinations, then these cases will go down. After all, as a good friend of mine and expert on parenting, Victoria A. Riseling says, it is better to have a child dead of smallpox rather than one that is healthy and alive with a neurodevelopmental disorder.

Secondly, reducing the number of vaccines per year to zero would restore our illustrious country back to the moral ways of the olden days. Some vaccines, such as the chickenpox immunization, were “cultivated in the cells from two aborted fetuses in the 1960s” (procon.org). Such beginnings are too abhorrent to not take a stand against. Forget any remarkable medical advances stem cell research has provided us. No moral American could rightfully agree to vaccinate their children if they knew what kinds of tragedy has brought them their so-called life saving vaccines. To bring our country away from these terrible practices, illegalizing vaccines is a foot on the right path.

Thirdly, bringing back some diseases wouldn’t actually be that bad. One disease that has been completely eradicated in the United States is polio. In young children affected by polio, only one out of every two hundred were left paralyzed, and only five to ten percent of those paralyzed died due to complications. With such meager numbers like that, the disease can’t possibly be as awful as people believe it once was. If polio happened to make a resurgence, than the consequences may be more beneficial than not. A sufficient number of Americans paralyzed will decrease the number of able-bodied workers, thus decreasing the competition within the work force. This will create a significant increase in the demand for labor, and just as the black death aided in ending the feudal system during fourteenth century Europe, polio (and other previously eradicated diseases) will end the slavery of the blue collar workers and increase the benefits of all Americans.

Fourthly, the illegalization of vaccines is in line with the teachings of Christianity. In attempting to play God with our virulent vaccines, we change the fate He desires for us. If we illegalize them, we are surrendering ourselves to God’s will. Everything can be fixed with a little prayer and dirt, even diphtheria and rubella After all, miracles are much, much more reliable than science, and besides, the faster you die, the faster you go to Heaven. Fifthly, the resurgence of diseases that have been eradicated for fifty plus years will give scientists quite the opportunity! These preventable diseases have not been studied in their full force in quite some time and will surely bring about many interesting findings.

Sixthly, the end of vaccines will help in defunding Big Pharma. “The primary goal of pharmaceutical companies is to sell drugs and make a profit” (procon.org), and they clearly only support vaccines for the medical bills they rack up. As of today, nearly every child in America is vaccinated, supplying the pharmaceutical industry with billions of dollars. Now you may be thinking that forgoing vaccines might make pharmaceuticals more money with all the treatment and hospitalization these serious diseases require, but you would be wrong. Only a fraction of Americans would come in contact with the diseases and need treatment, whereas almost the entire population is forced to be immunized.

Innumerable more advantages could be listed, but for the sake of time, I will leave those up to your imagination. Believe what you will about me, but I am not so blinded by my own proposal that I do not hear the arguments of less reasonable parents. Understandably, they have qualms to illegalizing vaccines, such as that the mass spread of diseases that haven’t been seen in half a century could potentially wreak havoc on our nation’s population. Such worries do have some value to them, but, fear not, that is part of the design of my plan; a decrease in population means less pollution and a solution to the population crisis the world is currently dealing with. If vaccines are illegalized, our Earth, our home, will last longer. This proposal in fact helps science rather than goes against it. It’s simple. We must either illegalize vaccines or face the probability that our planet will be inhabitable in a matter of years.

My plan is so advantageous that I cannot even fathom the possibility of another, better proposal; therefore, let no man speak to me of any other expedients: Of researching links between vaccines and adverse reactions: Of not giving into fear mongering: Of investigating what really goes into vaccines and not just relying on word-of-mouth: Of funding the search for perhaps more simplified vaccine ingredients that are still effective: Of simply giving into the benefits of vaccines for the sake of herd immunity. I repeat, let no man sway me with such expedients. By now, you must surely see the benefits to my proposal. Any educated parent is aware of the horrors of vaccines, but some mindless followers are not, so their decision must be made for them. It is for the benefit of our future.

Alas, I must make you all aware that such a wonderful proposal that would sway the very nature of our world would have no effect on me. I regretfully have already received all of my immunizations and am up to date on ones such as tetanus, so I would have to watch from the sidelines as glorious results unfurl.

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