Monty Python Scripts

Court-martial (Basingstoke in Westphalia) / 'Anything Goes In' (Song)

The cast:

PRESIDING GENERAL

Terry Jones

WALTERS

Eric Idle

FAWCETT

Michael Palin

DEFENSE COUNSEL

Terry Gilliam

The sketch:

Cut to a courtroom in the 1940s. A court-martial is in
progress. An elderly general presides, with two others on either
side of him. There is a defense counsel, a prosecutor, a clerk of
court, and two men guarding the prisoner.

Presiding General: Sapper Walters, you stand before this
court accused of carrying out the war by other than warlike means --
to wit, that you did on April 16th, 1942, dress up as a bag of
dainties, flick wet towels at the enemy during an important
offensive ...

Walters: Well, sir ...

Presiding General: Shut up! Colonel Fawcett for the
prosecution ...

Fawcett: Sir, we all know ...

Presiding General: Shut up!

Fawcett: I'm sorry?

Presiding General: Carry on.

Fawcett: Sir, we all know the facts of this case; that
Sapper Walters, being in possession of expensive military equipment,
to wit one Lee Enfield .303 rifle and 72 round of ammunition, valued
at a hundred and forty pounds three shillings and sixpence, chose
instead to use wet towels to take an enemy command post in the area
of Basingstoke ...

Presiding General: Basingstoke? Basingstoke in Hampshire?

Fawcett: No, no, no, sir, no.

Presiding General: I see, carry on.

Fawcett: The result of his action was that the enemy ...

Presiding General: Basingstoke where?

Fawcett: Basingstoke Westphalia, sir.

Presiding General: Oh I see. Carry on.

Fawcett: The result of Sapper Walters's action was that
the enemy received wet patches upon their trousers and in some cases
small red strawberry marks upon their thighs ...

Presiding General: I didn't know there was a Basingstoke
in Westphalia.

Fawcett:(slightly irritated) It's on the map, sir.

Presiding General: What map?

Fawcett:(more irritably) The map of Westphalia as
used by the army, sir.

Fawcett: With respect sir, I shall seek to prove that the
man before you in the dock being in the possession of the following:
one pair of army boots, value three pounds seven and six, one pair
of serge trousers, value two pounds three and six, one pair of
gaiters value sixty-eight pounds ten shillings, one ...

Fawcett: Yes, sir, they were made in France. One beret
costing fourteen shillings, one pair of ...

Presiding General: What was special about them?

Fawcett: Oh ... (as if he can hardly be bothered to
reply) they were made of a special fabric, sir. The buckles were
made of empire silver instead of brass. The total value of the
uniform was there ...

Presiding General: Why was the accused wearing special
gaiters?

Fawcett:(irritably) They were a presentation pair,
from the regiment. The total value of the uniform ...

Presiding General: Why did they present him with a special
pair of gaiters?

Fawcett: Sir, it seems to me totally irrelevant to the
case whether the gaiters were presented to him or not, sir.

Presiding General: I think the court will be able to judge
that for themselves. I want to know why the regiment presented the
accused with a special pair of gaiters.

Fawcett:(stifling his impatience) He ... used to
do things for them. The total value ...

Presiding General: What things?

Fawcett:(exasperated) He .. he used to oblige
them, sir. The total value...

Presiding General: Oblige them?

Fawcett: Yes, sir. The total value of the uniform ...

Presiding General: How did he oblige them?

Fawcett: What sir?

Presiding General: How did he oblige them?

Fawcett:(more and more irritated) He ... um ...
used to make them happy in little ways, sir. The total value of the
uniform could therefore not have been less than ...

Presiding General: Did he touch them at all?

Fawcett: Sir! I submit that this is totally irrelevant.

Presiding General: I want to know how he made them happy.

Fawcett:(losing his temper) He used to ram things
up their ...

Presiding General:(quickly) All right! All right!
No need to spell it out! What er ... what has the accused to say?

Walters:(taken off guard) What, me?

Presiding General: Yes. What have you got to say?

Walters: What can I say? I mean, how can I encapsulate in
mere words my scorn for any military solution? The futility of
modern warfare? And the hypocrisy by which contemporary government
applies one standard to violence within the community and another to
violence perpetrated by one community upon another?

Defense Counsel: I'm sorry, but my client has become
pretentious. I will say in his defense that he has suffered ...