Monday, March 21, 2011

Does Love Complete You (or is it just a nice bonus)?

Barbara: I might be opening a kettle of fish with this question (and I guess I want to), but if you come along for the ride, you could end up helping me a lot.

Here’s the scoop. I’m currently working on a screenplay (it’s an adaptation of a novel) where the heroine enjoys a lot of personal accomplishments, but finds that she is missing true love. Because of this void, she feels somehow less whole.

The reason I’m throwing this question out to you is because I want to fully commit to the truth of my character’s emotional arc. And if you share your own stories and thoughts with me here, you could get me closer to an essential and universal truth. In other words, my personal experience is not necessarily enough to answer such a big question!

At some point in our lives, we’re all exposed to the literary or idealistic conceit that a significant other is our “other half”. “The two shall become one,” “You complete me,” “My better half,” “The yin to my yang,” etc, etc. I don’t think anyone will argue that love is wonderful and beautiful and enriching. That our lives are more abundant if we are fortunate enough to have any form of reciprocal love in it, preferably in many different forms. I certainly believe that. But would I feel less complete if I was working and creating and socializing, loving and living a rich life, if I didn’t also have my “other half” along for the ride?

My husband and I have been together for 31 years, since I was 16 (I know!). In that time, we have gone through an incredible amount of personal and relationship change and growth. We have mined depths of love that I feel incredibly blessed to have experienced (and depths of pain I feel incredibly lucky to have survived). I also know that as a result of such a long-term connection, we both had to go through times where we desperately needed to find ourselves—not as a new-age expression, but as a truthful part of our personal development. Where does he end and I begin? What do I love because I LOVE it or because he loves it? What are my dreams, what are his dreams. what are our dreams?

I know my situation is very rare. And some of you will find it wonderful and sweet and some of you will shudder in your shoes at the very thought. I, of course, couldn’t be happier that my life has worked out this way. But if (god forbid) my situation were to change, would I feel less complete?

I want to say, No. Absolutely, no-holds-barred No. I am my own person, I follow my own dreams, I make my own decisions. I love my life. I don’t need another person to fulfill me. Instead, I am lucky that I have a loving partner. But that said, I speak from the viewpoint of someone who is lucky enough to have a loving partner. If he were to walk out the door tomorrow (again, god forbid), I might not need another experience of this kind because I have known it already. But if I had never EVER known it, would I always be wondering what it was like, feeling the void of it, desperately wanting to have it? Even if I had all the other things I currently have?

I know I’m asking a lot because there are so many variables (kids, economic security, emotional needs, etc), but all things considered, surely you all must have an opinion on this question. And if you do, I would be deeply, eternally grateful if you shared it with me. xo

Deb: This triggered thoughts that have been hiding in the broom closet of my brain. Thoughts that have arisen from my dear friend losing her husband recently at a young age. Through her loss and pain, I could see what she was facing and it raised many questions in my soul.

I guess speaking for myself, I would safely say that I am totally my own person with my own likes and dislikes and my own sense of self. I do not need someone else to complete me. I have worked very hard over the years on self-improvement and plan on staying that course until my time to die. And yes, it will keep me busy!

But––and here’s the thing––I want to share it with my husband. Over time I couldn’t even tell you which of us liked what first, or if something was his idea or mine, or even where the line was drawn. I love that the line is murky. That is what a good partnership is for me. The fact is, we have influenced each other because the respect for each other’s opinion is so strong in each of us. I respect his taste and he respects mine. And maybe without his valued opinion I would not have tried something new and foreign to me. But I did and I do. And I am so much richer for it. I hope he is too. I am lucky enough to have another set of very loving eyes from which to view the world. I take what I like and the rest falls under “agree to disagree” category.

But that is the crux of it for me––his and my point of view melding together to make the marriage the multi-faceted union that it is. And it is a union. And there are all sorts of wonderful types of unions. But ours is a legal union that we needed to make. The instant our wedding was over, we instantly felt like family. It was one of the nicest feelings I have ever had.

I have always felt in my heart, and especially lately, that I would not seek out a new love if Colin died (God forbid). I feel secure in the knowledge that I am such a strong person, such a lover of life, that I would go on in new and different directions alone, having had something special that I could never top. The love that we have now would carry with me alone into the world and I would be happy for its company.

29 comments:

I have been dating my guy now since middle school and couldn't be happier.He is my best friend and my shoulder to cry on when I need it. There are times that I wounder though what if life had not aloud me to have him,and he would have had someone else. Would I still have the same life that I do right now.

I guess my answer to that would be yes I would have a good life still. Although I love him to no end,I don't think that anyone needs a guy to be happy. We all stand on our own two feet so alot of people are just fine when not having a guy.

When My great grandmother lost my great grandfather yes she was so lost but after a while she started being ok. I guess one of the reasons that she was ok is because she knew she was strong and she still had him in spirt.

So I don't think anyone needs a guy,but when you have one it's such a nice feeling to have and to hold on too.

I was married at 19 for 20 years (39) and now at 62 those years in between (23) were all without a soul mate. Sure I dated very seriously and had three very secure long term relationships but not one was enough to give up my single life, my home and share with someone. If you had asked me when I got divorced at 39 I would have said no more marriages and no more even living with someone. I held true to those beliefs. Did I just not meet the right person and would have changed my mind I don't think so. I never went searching for another husband. When I got divorced I knew and was prepared to be by myself (I have grown sons and grandkids) but at that time they were still teenagers. I have come to love my life now more than ever. Would I love to share certain things with a partner sure. Some days going to a museum or art show or movie by myself is lonely But my worse day single beats my best day being married and being lonely. Could I have married again yes, I was asked and today I would be divorced 3 more times if I had said yes. I have a huge circle of friends and I travel every chance I get. I share my life with lots of people and feel complete. If I were to die today I know I have been in the best possible state for most of my life surrounded by love and friendship and joy and yes alone for over 23 years. Does that help you?

I think I feel much like you ladies. I've been married for 14 years and love my husband dearly, but I'm confident that if he died, I would be fine. I would miss him greatly, but I would still be me and perhaps I could go on to follow my own personal dreams that I can’t pursue as a couple.

When I was in college, I took an acting class and the teacher told us that by the age of 18 we have experienced every emotion there is. I thought about that and realized that at 19 I had experienced every emotion except one - true love. For a while I felt incomplete, but then I realized my attitude was going to make all the difference in the world. I could let the idea of never knowing true love make me feel incomplete and of very little worth OR I could go on and live a very valuable, happy life. It’s a choice in attitude.-Molly

Madge it stuck such a true chord when you said "but my worst day beats my best day being lonely and married". So true. What a sad state that is. I see it all the time in people I know. I second the welcome Molly!

I am now in my very late 50's and if you had told me I would be single at this age when I was younger, I would not have believed you. I was married very young (19), had two sons, divorced before 28. I concentrated my life on raising my sons and my career. I had several long term relationships that lasted years in length, however never chose to marry again. I stay very busy with work and volunteer activities, always working on something. I have many good friends, both men and women. Last year at my high school reunion, I somehow came to know again a friend from junior high. Things are developing and it is a good feeling, you can call it a feeling of completion or a nice bonus, either one. But it is a good feeling, I don't think that anyone is really meant to be alone. It's good to have a person who knows you at your best and your worst, a best friend and lover. I think that is normal. Sometimes, I have just not liked being alone, not because I wasn't able to provide or do things that I wanted, it just sometimes is lonely after the kids are gone.

Cheryl, when you say "I don't think that anyone is really meant to be alone" -- although difficult for people who ARE alone, that does sound like a "universal truth" to a large degree. I can certainly relate to the difficulty I might have with loneliness (as opposed to "wholeness") Thanks for sharing your experience. xo

So Anon, I guess that's kind of what I'm looking for: not the universal EXPERIENCE, but more the truth of notions like "true love" "two halves of a whole", "loneliness vs companionship". What is the common denominator??? oh, and PS -- interesting that you noticed the god/God thing! Here's my reasoning: I use "god" as an expression in my writing; it's colloquial to me; a throwaway, so I treat it like any other word and don't cap it. If I am writing about the Christian God, well then caps :)

The common denominator is "you". (not you Barb, but the person involved).The "truth" of true love is by definition. The notion of "two halves of a whole" is either trivially true or experiential, and "loneliness vs companionship" is definitely experiential and subjective.....in my opinion.

Yes, Deb, I did mean "I wouldn't admit to "capping" my parents. And I stand by that.

I agree with you, Anon, in theory. But what I'm not quite getting (and I love this kind of discussion!) is whether YOU believe that if you have never "experienced" true love in your life, would you feel that your life was somehow less complete? (And, obviously, you would have to define "true love" for yourself, but I do think we all have some idea as to what that means. While for everyone that idea might be different, there is probably a universal IDEAL of "true love" that exists in some form.) Thanks for "playing" today!

I don't believe in coincidences, everything for a reason. So why is it today I connected with Barbara and saw this Blog with a title that attracted me to read it? Perhaps because it is a question I have pondered through the years. My relationship history is one of many. I've been married and divorced lived with a man who died almost 6 years ago yrs ago and yes, I'm in a relationship now. With boyfriends in between. Makes me think or certainly sounds like I don't like being alone... I believe that was true at one time. Here I am at 58 and I'm the best me I've ever been. Lots of learning and growing. So now to answer the question... Yes, I still love having a man in my life, but this time he had to be the right man not just any man... but do I need to, no I want to.

I can't help but feel I agree with Deb. I want to love and live but I don't necessarilly need it. I doubt I would try to find some one else if something happenned to my husband after having experienced the partnership we have. Like Deb said nothing could top it.

I do think if I were to live my whole life never having experienced what I have with my husband I would regret it but for me the need has been fullfilled. I'm good.

I don't think I have ever found my "true love." I married at 19 to get out of my house. It lasted 20 years but was he the love of my life-no not by a long shot. I have dated and been in some very long term relationships but would I say any of them were my soul mate? Absolutely not. Is it in my future not sure but I so love myself and my life and my kids and grand kids I think I have found true love within.

Cap refers to the ignition cap at the base of a cartridge for a firearm. "bust a cap" means break the cap by pulling the trigger, setting off the explosion that propels the bullet"back off befo i cap yo ass!"