IVAN LAJARA: Google offers questions that need no answers

One of the most exciting things about the Internet is that there is an answer to pretty much anything you need to know, and that is how we know -- conclusively -- that the Internet is a series of tubes exclusively made of cats.

This enlightening collective knowledge is so vast and great, it also offers insight into the most deeply rooted philosophical questions ever asked by humankind, like: "What are the most deeply rooted philosophical questions ever asked by humankind?" (We'd provide you the answer but were distracted by a video of cats.)

So once you get past the crucial questions, like: "Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything?" (the answer is, 42), you'll begin to narrow your searches to find what's really relevant to your personal life.

And Google will even help you write the questions for things you didn't even know needed answers. This is made possible by the engine's auto-complete function.

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Google says its "algorithm predicts and displays search queries based on other users' search activities." Such activities might include searches for "what the heck is an algorithm?" -- and other things.

Suffice to say that if you type even as much as a letter, the search engine will suggest something.

So we began typing some words and Google decided to finish the questions for us.

In an effort to complement the search engine's incredibly accurate algorithmic performance, here are some equally accurate answers to these most important of questions. These questions, we should note, are all real auto-completed Google searches, which means that people have been asking them -- a lot.

"Am I pregnant?"

If you are the kind of person asking this question to Google, this is what you need to do. Type the query and stare at the computer screen very hard for about 12 hours. You can't eat or take a bathroom break while you do this. If you do, you'll have to start again. Do so and come back to read the rest of this column. We'll wait.

Done? Great. The next step is to realize you are asking a search engine about the status of your physical condition. Slap yourself (kindly, as you might be pregnant) and then go to the store and get a pregnancy test. Note that if you are a dude asking this question, you need to stare at the screen for 16 hours.

"Why is the baby on fire?"

Because you were in the computer typing "Am I pregnant?"

"Why are there school?"

Good question. We don't no why people think their is a kneed four school.

If you are asking this question on Google, you are probably also concerned about little people with night vision. And you should, because they're on their way to kill you for asking stupid questions.

Also, turn around, your baby's on fire.

Some of you might be scratching your heads (Google said you have lice). But, all in all, if you have never asked any of these questions, we have to congratulate you, because you have won one free Internet.