Surviving a relationship with a Narcissist…..& other seemingly related things…Out of the N fog…

Gaslighting – Epilogue

To view the other articles in this series, click on the category of Narcissistic Personality Disorder on the right side of my blog. Be sure to read Gaslighting: The Narcissist’s Game. Otherwise, as my friend Jan says, “It’s like coming in after the movie has started…”

I had no idea that when I wrote “Gaslighting: A Narcissist’s Game” that it would strike the ‘nerve’ that it has. “The stories you have heard are true, thenames were changed to protect the innocent…..”

There were examples of the “gaslighting madness” inflicted on me that I have had to leave out; the situations were far too identifying. There were many vague and truly odd things that happened while I was ‘friends’ with the N, while I was in the midst of D&D. (Devalue and Discard) I think many of those memories have been blocked by my subconscious.

I wrote the first post on “gaslighting” because I found very little information on this abuse. I felt that if I needed information, maybe other people did too. So I started doing research.

The best article I’ve come across is entitled “Ambient Abuse” written by Dr. Sam Vankin. I found Dr. Vankin’s site when I was researching Narcissistic Personality Disorder after the final D&D…(I have since figured out that there is no “final” where the N is concerned.) Dr. Vankin has probably the best site for information on NPD, for very good reason: Dr. Vankin is a narcissist.

It was after first reading Dr. Vankin’s articles I realized what my ‘friend’ was. I can hear you saying, “only a doctor can diagnose NPD.” Seriously, what are the chances that the N is EVER going to darken the door of a therapist’s office?? Besides, after reading the DSM-IV, the “Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders”, the N has all 9 characteristics. That realization was like “fingernails on a blackboard” for me. If that isn’t scary enough for you, on the MSN groups Narcissistic Personality Disorder forum, there is a list of 20 behaviors/traits of a Narcissist. The N had 18 out of 20. The missing two characteristics? He probably has those too, but I had not experienced those aspects of his personality. Lucky me.

I was looking for specific examples of gaslighting on the Internet. Was this comment or that behavior just a quirk of the N? Or Was he really gaslighting me? Dr. Vankin’s article on “Ambient Abuse” confirmed my fears, the N had been using these techniques to damage me.

It was quite sometime after the N moved on to other, “less drained” sources of supply that his covert operations were confirmed. Friends told me one evening that often they would see the N in my office, after hours. After I had left for the day. They wondered why he was there, but never wanted to confront the N. Can you blame them? Sadly, it never occurred to them to tell me what they had witnessed.
If they had, it would have been validation for me – I wasn’t going crazy; there was a crazy individualin my life.
(Bet you thought I was going to call him a person.)

Bear with me…as I finish my NPD posts. Yes, these posts will eventually come to an end; I still have a few more things to say. It was after I finished the “Mirror, Mirror” post that I felt “cleansed” from the abusive friendship. Victims/targets of a narcissist rarely, excuse me, NEVER get closure; this is mine.

**Footnote…..On “Desperate Housewives” shown on October 26, 2008….one of the male characters had begun “gaslighting” the elderly woman who lives in the neighborhood. What that character did, moving possessions…that is what the N did to me. On the television drama, the male character admits to the elderly woman that yes, he was trying to drive her crazy as she lays in an ambulance, with no witnesses.
We are left not knowing “why” at the end of the evening’s telecast. I know the feeling; I used to occasionally wonder what The N’s real motive was with me. I know now. It was simply to abuse another human being. Try wrapping your mind around that.

16 Responses

This is all very interesting to me. I’ve just awakened from a nineteen yr long nap with an N husband and many crazy moments. I was just joking was his line after insulting me and if I couldn’t take it he just wouldn’t joke around, ever again. It really set the mood and for some reason it happened mostly in the car. A definite technique, not a quirk.
RC

Congratulations on your 1000+ hits as I know how you’ve struggled at times. It has been SO rewarding for me to blog about NPD as so many people are reeling from the aftermath of their own close encounter with a narcissist. Having others read about what you went through is an amazing source of validation – YES, it did happen. For too many, they’re still asking, “Is it just me?”

Ruth-
Welcome back after your long nap. It doesn’t feel right for me to say, “I know how you feel.” I only lost nineteen months, not years.
I always noticed that about my N – friend…the abuses, the “jokes” always took place when there were no wittnesses.

Having spent a good few hours reading the posts & comments on this site, I have to say it’s the most helpful I have come across,…Sam Vankin’s great too, actually if I hadn’t found his site in the first place i would still be thinking of myself as ‘a monster’ the N’s favourite way to describe me.

It’s been 20 days with no contact, well apart from me phoning to see if he wanted something i had of his, i was cold and straight to the point and didn’t even say bye, just put the phone down on him, he hasn’t called me, which i’m finding strange cos normally he does, acting as if nothings ever happened, u know the drill. The split from from my N was initiated by me, just thought i’d mention that!

We have been together for nearly 8 yrs, oh god seeing that actually written down makes me want to cry..again. Why oh why did i ever get into this HORRIBLE mess in the first place? I have a lots of hellish stories to tell & I really need lots of support from all of you out there who have suffered at the hands of these soul destroying creatures. But, for now i’m just too exhaused to tell my tales, i know after reading so many stories on this site that you will understand that feeling. The worse thing about all this..and I would only say this to you all who know what i’m going through…is that i’m hoping he will call, i miss pretend guy so much i actually ache inside, i feel numb like life will never be normal let alone good ever again.

Basically, the split happened when he made one of his usual off hand remarks, demonising me AGAIN and i flipped and do mean FLIPPED and let him have it!, i actually think i scared the s**t out of him, i told him exactly what he was. AND NOW I’M FEELING GUILTY FOR BEEN SO HORRIBLE, ARGHHHH! Phew, i think that’s enough for now but i’ll be back…question is, will my ex N?

ps WOW if feels good to vent!

Lauren:
Welcome to what I hope will be the beginning of healing for you. I am touched and honored that you have found my site so helpful. My desire was to help others with my words after having lived through the N.
Keep reading.
I have a new post coming out soon called what has been so many Search Engine hits….”Missing Pretend Guy.”
Gotta run – More Later.
ES

I think the last sentence of this post highlights how hard it is to perceive where the N is coming from. Like you, I have done extensive research on this subject (with lots of red wine too!)… I have been almost 9 years with an N, the 3 most recent of which have occurred AFTER I realized he is an N! (thank you Google, and Sam Vankin) (and red wine).

Anyway, you said you still occasionally wonder what the N’s motive was with you, but you answer that question all over this blog: you were supply. Full stop. His motive with you was supply. The gaslighting takes place so he can prove / is secure in the fact that he is in control…. so even though you are going through D&D, he knows he can still come back, because he’s in charge. That’s the motive. Tough one still for me to wrap my head around…

Ces:
Re: the N’s motive. Yes, I was supply, and he had lots of power/control through the gaslighting and the multiple devalue-discards. But he’s not coming back…he may try, but he will find that the drawbridge is up and the moat is guarded by a dragon. (Been reading too many books about castles and knights and sword fights.)

There was something very sinister about the N. He was VERY vindictive and hateful. That Is why I say I wonder what his motive was. The N was devoid of empathy…the number 1 characteristic of a psychopath….not unlike the character in “Desperate Housewives.” I haven’t found out his motivation either.
ES

Wow…I have been in a marriage for 12 yrs with a Narcissist. At first I couldnt figure it out…then I found old medical records that stated he was passive aggressive with narcissistic tendencies! That sealed it the more I read the more I felt un-safe. I finally left and after living in the same house for over a year and not speaking not having sex etc…he now wants to talk and call me to see how I am. I 2 went thru a few nights unsure of myself, questioning why I left…but I forced myself to see the bright side and I am happy about that. Oh he keeps trying, but emotionally I am so out of it…that it’s disgusting just to hear his voice. I have been gaslighted, dealt with the sarcastic jokes, head games you name it. This guy is a weirdo…what’s funny is he is an engineer and makes good money. I always told him I don’t believe in divorce…he thought I would be his supply for ever! Anyway, I left. He is jealous that I am doing great without him. I dont understand everything yet but I know that he is Narcissistic, deals with passive agression and goes into these demonic rages! I hope you ladies get out! I hope you know that life is beautiful. They will make your life ugly if you fall for their sinister behaviors. Be strong and figure your life out alone, without them. I thank God each day that I am out, I sleep with peace, I wake up with peace. He on the other hand is still miserable. I used to sleep with a hammer next to me and I would booby trap the door in case he tried to come in. THAT IS NOT LIVING! He would scare me when I would be home alone. Creep up the steps and just watch me. I believe his mother is the same way. I thought it was depression at first but then I was gaslighted, tormented, you name it.

He’s in the process of a big D and D with me. He also works 10 feet away from me and everyone thinks he’s super charming and funny and intelligent. Thank God for this outlet.

Angie: So sorry that you have to work with him. I know what’s that’s like. You’d be surprised…I bet not everyone thinks “he’s wonderful” they are are just afrid to say outloud what they really think. Someday hopefully you will find out like I did…I was surprised at how many fellow workers thought The N was an a** h***.

I’m thinking of Angie’s reply above…People also think my husband is the sweetest person they have ever met! He has fooled everyone I know including myself.

I too have worked in the same small building with my N husband. Not right next to him, but close enough that he can easily “check up on me”. He likes to call my office and ask if I’m hungry. When I say “No, I just ate.” he’ll show up with a huge plate of steaming food. My coworkers will all say how thoughtful and wonderful he is. He’ll stand there with a huge, sweet grin on his face, and I’ll feel like collapsing. I mean, how do you bring something like this up with people? They’ll think you’re lying!

Regarding gaslighting, if that wasn’t it above, my husband likes to hide stuff from me. I was sick for a few weeks with a horrible cold. When I got well I made the mistake of telling my husband that I was going skiing the next day. After I told him this, he rode off on his bike to his evening shift at his job. (We have one car–my truck.) Since he also had to work the morning shift the next day, he spent the night at the hotel he works at. (At least that’s what he says!) The next morning I couldn’t find my keys. I looked for a while then called my husband a few times at work. I knew something funny was going on. He said he had no idea where my keys were. In the late afternoon I called him again and he suggested looking in my truck. “Maybe under the shell.” He said. I have a large clam shell in my truck next to the stick shift. I looked, and what do you know…there were my keys.

We got into an argument when I called him again at work about this. He wouldn’t apologize and transformed into a screaming psychotic when I told him I thought he did this on purpose. He hung up on me. I emailed him demanding an apology, and he responded with a note that said in part, “I’m sorry YOU had to look for your keys for so long!” That was as far as I got with him!

It has finally completely sunk in that I am married to a covert narcissist. I’ve known for years that I was in an awful “relationship”, but in my ignorance, I thought he was immature or….something. I thought the problem might be fixable.

Kersten: I’m not sure what kind of game it is to show up with lunch after you’ve already told someone you’ve eaten. But I do know that its inconsiderate possibly sadistic – esp if you are watching what you eat.
Hiding your keys is definitely “gaslighting.” Hee picked the day of your ski trip so that he could play his game? That’s a jealous sob. (Not crying.) Yes, I would have to agree with you – that you are in a “relatioNship” with an N. I am afraid the problem is not fixable and you will only continue to be abused and more miserable. I have never made this suggestion so directly to an individual – but I hope that you can break this N-ship.
ES

Elise, my husband bringing me food when I’m not hungry seems to be his way of upholding his stellar public image while simultaneously causing me emotional pain. He consistently shows total disregard for my feelings or desires. If I’d said I was hungry, he would tell me that he’d show up with lunch and then either would not show up, or would bring me food that he knows I don’t like.

I was recently having lunch alone at my favorite restaurant. The owner of the restaurant came up to me, put her arm around my shoulders and told me how good it was to see me. She then said, “Where’s your adorable husband? He’s so sweet!” I almost threw up my lunch. I regularly hear how lucky I am to have someone like my husband in my life. None of these people really know him.

I’m very nervous about how other people will react when I finally get away from my husband. We live in a small town. I know I’ll hear stuff like, “How could you do that to such a wonderful person? You’re so cruel!” But I’ve got to leave for the sake of my own sanity.

Thank you for your blog!

Kerstin: I hope that you will be able to escape “the wonderful person” soon. You’re right there are people who will come up with comments like you mention. I know if it was me, I wouldn’t hesitate to tell them the truth, but that’s just me. If they say “You’re so cruel” – you could agree with them. Maybe say – “You’re right, I’m just so horrible, but I did it for my sanity” and leave it like that.
Sometime, he’s got to show his true colors!
ES

Gas lighting is something my n was expert in! He did the classic things like moving stuff then saying (in front of people) ‘Jenna’s lost something again, I think she’d forget her brain if it wasn’t attached.’ After 12 years of this I really felt like I was going mad – it didn’t help that I didn’t ever get a full nights sleep with him around either – he’d stomp around the house til 4am most nights keeping me awake and the kids too.

One time I had made myself a list of things to pack for our family holiday and left it on the table – God forbid I forget anything and spend the next 7 days having that rubbed in my face! To cut a long story short he shredded the list. When I asked why he did it he just smiled and shrugged. What a comedian he was!

Sorry if I am out of line, but my first response is “What a sick SOB!”
I am quite familiar with the moving of my things, only to have them returned later on.
I hope you enjoy many hoildays, now N free. :)
ES

Not at all out of line! I was little Miss Anxious (if Roger Hargreaves if created such a character!) for 12 years because of this nonsense.

We had to go and get our son a new birth certificate once because I’d apparently lost the original. I’m still utterly convinced that my dear ex hubby moved it – I found it 3 months later in my sock drawer, a place I would never have put it.

My N had a little song he sang to himself as he walked around the house. The words were ‘if only I had a brain’. This was clearly aimed at me.

Oh and you mention holidays – the kids and I now enjoy going to stay with friends (just for the weekend, N pays me no maintainence leaving me with little spare cash for hols) and its always a relaxing stress-free experience!

See, this is the kind of abuse that is hard to put your finger on.
Clearly, no mommy ever puts the legal birth certificate in her sock drawer! If you had called him on singing the Scarecrow’s song from The Wizard of Oz….he would have said, “But I love that movie!”
ES

I had given up confronting him on such behaviour because I just got accused of being self obsessed when I did – ‘it’s always about you isn’t it , Jen?’ It’s never about anyone or anything else’ was something I heard a lot.

Once we went to the supermarket together and he spent the whole time making nasty, sexual comments about the women working there. I don’t want to repeat many but one of the cleaner ones was ‘look at that blonde, she’s gagging for it.’ Anyway when I complained I got the usual ‘why is it always about you?’ nonsense. He said if I listened to him and his needs he’d not have to look elsewhere!

This didn’t work the other way round though of course. One evening I spent ‘too long’ talking to his brother at a party and was accused of wanting to sleep with him. I also ‘flirted’ with the grocery delivery man once allegedly – in reality all I did was laugh at his silly joke to be polite.

Wow – what a jerk! The N never got that crass in my presence…wait…I take that back – just had a flashback of some of his truly disgusting comments about co-workers.
ES

Hmmm. It’s pretty awful hearing people make these sorts of comments about the opposite sex. Utterly disrespectful too :(

I cannot share the things he said about co-workers. Really very foul.
If they knew what he said about them, he would have been made redundant much sooner than when it actually occurred. Probably some of the individuals thought he was a friend – but I know they were quite low on the “supply list.” He also didn’t think much of them, considering the way he bad mouthed them.
ES

First, I would like to extend my gratitude to all of you who have taken the time to write/post to these pages, and to Mrs. Stuart for making this possible. I feel this page might be saving lives.

The stories of these pages, your support of each other, and Mrs. Stuart’s insightful comments are a repeated boon and reminder that there is life past abuse and the insane Gaslighting of full blown NPD, and it has sometimes seemed somewhat fortuitously orchestrated (for over a year or more that I have been receiving these posts and updates) that they have come at crucial times.
Not really orchestrated I’m sure, but really, it sure seems like it sometimes.:)
Thank You.

I have noticed that this page is primarily for women, as I have rarely seen a man’s name on the posts.
Please forgive me my presumption for posting (if it is allowed), but I am a man who fully understands the absolute depravity of a Malignant Narcissist in the form of a father who will not stop abusing a son as proxy to a wife who left him 44 years ago for repeated adultery and abuse.
She is gone now, as are most of her close female friends who KNEW and defended her, and he has turned all of his soul crushing on the only one left who remembers, and knows the depths of his depravity.

I have made all of the mistakes in dealing with a psychopath, and I have only recently started to be taken seriously by Law Enforcement (Interstate Stalking from 700 miles away), and maybe, just maybe, by those family members and friends who are witness to the little asides “masked as a joke”, the repeated accusations of “mental disorder” in my outrage at his depraved lies covering Felonies he has committed, his inhuman behavior, and started to see the whole picture as a related chain of events that document years and years of abuses to family members, and others whom he sets his dead, fish eye gaze on as female conquest.

I blurted a huge barrage of “why me”, and “help me get this savage off of my back” at Mrs. Stuart some time ago: I received no reply, but she was kind enough to include me in these E-mails afterwards, and they have been a fantastic help for me knowing that there are others who are sharing, and understand the sickening feeling of “a state of learned helplessness” that is forced on abuse/stalking victims by their abusers.

The truly sickening thing is when others, to whom you feel that you have a long, happy history with, suddenly start to look at you askance, slow down their words like you have no cognitive function, treat you like you will explode if they say the wrong thing, condescend, refuse to answer questions that are relevant to your life, or the worst: outright lie to you about what has been said by the “MN” in his never ending attempt to get you to accept “your place” as a useless “waste of time” or a lesser animal only fit for subservience, degradation, involuntary commitment, or the grave.

For those of us that do believe in the Universal Declaration of Human/Civil Rights, and have treated others with fairness and civility, repeatedly “turning the other cheek” until you feel like a Dervish, the insult of pretending “it didn’t happen” and that an abuser’s word and false memory types of “explanation” done by these types are absolutely (hands shaking in suppressed rage: against all threads of human decency) the end all be all of the “truth” against even documented (E-mails, letters, legal documents, corresponding witnesses, recordings, photographs, etc..) evidence of their repeated behavior is the ultimate in insult.

Yeah, I know: “You’re preaching to the Choir. We’re here more than you. The audience is that way.”:)
Anyway, again: Thank All Of You for being, and posting your thoughts, and helping each other with the pain.
You have no idea how much help you all have been.

Hello Michael:
Thank you for commenting on my blog. I so very rarely get a comment from a man and of course we all know that women can also have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My blog is for anyone who wants to read and or post a comment here, it does seem as though most of my commenters are women.

My apologies for not answering a comment you made on one of my posts. I went back through my blog comments and I have not found one from a Michael. Believe me a man’s name stands out here like a sore thumb! I really don’t know how your comment never appeared.

I am so sorry to hear of the abuse you are still suffering at the hands of your father. I am so glad that you requested the email alerts for when my blog is updated. I would like to take credit for sending them to you but that’s out of my control. I am glad that my blog has been a help to you.

It sounds as though you have gotten distance from your father and I hope that you can just be totally No Contact with him. I know that this is difficult especially when parents are elderly. I am sure that I do not have to tell you to ignore emails and any other forms of communication from him. Can you tell those family members that are still in contact with him that you do not want news of your father?

For some of us once we have gone NC – other, well meaning people in our lives feel like they are doing us a favor my keeping us informed about the N, his/her wherabouts and their latest “antics.” While they mean-well, hearing about the N is the last thing that we need. I hope that the authorities have taken you seriously and are able to help you.

Feel free to comment – we like getting the guy’s POV – it is a rare thing here.

Gas Lighting
Don’t give him the satisfaction of referring him to your friend………Parasite is a more suitable name.
They don’t have a clue what being a friend is nor what love is.
None of the entire experience will ever change me in a negative way. I have chosen to function in every way positive. I function totally opposite in every behaviour that was played out on me ie I take responsibility for my mistakes and behavior, I am caring and loving, and will be, and a door mat to negative behaviors won’t happen…..I exit fast…..and all my positive energy stays with me. I simply don’t waste my time with any one that does not demonstrate love and caring behaviours. Follow your feeling with anyone!!

Thank you for you comments Jane – Yes, Parasite is a good term. For some reason I am picturing a spray can of bug spray.
ES