Friday, May 21, 2010

Ladies,I just want to say thank you to all of you who have responded to my situation regarding my home. It is truly a difficult position to be in.

Saz,I want to tell you how proud of you I am. I have been where you are. It takes tremendous strength and courage to make such a transition. I am inspired by you. You give me hope.

Linda,You are a woman of strength to me. I love your perspective on life. You have such a nice twist to everyday, mundane situations, from family to jobs to your own personal self. You make feel good that I am not alone and that I am truly "normal"....lol!

Sniffles,I thank you for your cyber hugs. I read your entry and began to cry. Why? I do not know. All I know is your words really touched my heart. You are an amazing woman with all that you are going through.

Polly,You remind me of myself when I was young with my own children. You are an awesome mom. Your children will grow to be fine young adults one day.

Mama Fargo,I really like the way you think below the surface of things, especially regarding children and family. It all starts in the home. It was once said something to the effect of "Psychosis is not born, it is created". Our life experiences during upbringing are critical. They can not be prevented, nor can one have a perfect life. However, these experiences, both positive and negative need to be nurtured by loving adults. These adults don't have to be biological, just loving.

"Cut & Dry",You have an amazing positive energy that is felt through your entries. Your photography is beautiful and uplifting. Thank you for sharing that with me. I smile every time I read your replies :)."Elvie Studio",Your creativity warms me inside every time I see what you have made. You have inspired me to take the time to "look" for and reactivate my own creativity. In fact, I brought my crotcheting out today to continue a project I started a few months ago. My grandson is still wearing those funny looking little slippers I made for him...lol! I am also looking at making wall hangings with drawings on them (I use to draw in my young adult years). Thank you for being so positive.

Those whom I have not mentioned, thank you too for all your positive thoughts and prayers.

Last night I had a horrible episode of fibro. It actually cause me to be a little afraid. It was quite sudden. The day was going along fairly well. I was aware of my senses and thought I was using caution. Early evening, my heart rate increased a bit and I had mild bouts of loss of breath. Yes, this is normal for fibro. As the evening continued, I became truly fatigued. It wasn't like a "heavy" feeling like cement in your shoes. Rather, it was more like my body had a light inner lining of weight just beneath my skin, kinda inbetween my skin and my muscles. I know this doesn't make much sense, but that's the best way I can descibe it. It's very similar to having the flu but without the chills.

I cancelled bible study and decided to lay down. My daughter took my grandson with her to open house for her 4th graders. She is doing her teaching credential program with 4th graders. I did have one late night kid but he is really well behaved. He played in the loft right outside my bedroom.

Once I laid down, the symptoms just seem to rise to the surface of my skin. My daughter was gone for about a good hour. I laid down pretty much the whole time. When she returned, my 15 year old son prepared my grandson for bed and occupied him for about 20 mins. Then I put him to down for the night.

The evening went quite smoothly which is exactly what I needed. By 8pm, I had put on my pj's and was dozing off. It was really nice to be able to give myself permission to take these little brief naps. By the time the mother of my late nighter arrived, the fatigue in my body had subsided down to a throb in my head. Once he was gone, I immediately went to bed.

This morning, I am better. Today will be a very easy day....as easy as I can make it with the kids. This episode was sudden and very different. I can only conclude in hindsight that that "Aunt Flow" was the cause (for those of you who don't know, aunt flow is pms). She left yesterday so, I'm wondering if that had something to do with it. My symptoms are not completely gone, but they are a lot better so far. As I said, I will be taking the day as easy as possible.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Sometimes I literally forget I have fibromyalsia. For the most part, I handle it through supplements and hot baths/heating pad. However, when the weather changes from hot or warm to rain/moisture or when it is really hot like in the summer, I really feel the symptoms regardless of the supplements. When this happens, the hot baths are what usually work really well. Unfortuantely, I can't run upstairs and take a hot bath in the middle of running a child care...lol!...no, not even at naptime because I'm afraid to leave them alone for too long. That's how emergencies happen.In addition to the pain, are the sensitivity to sound and light. Just take a moment to think about that with regards to a house full of children. As far as the light goes, I just pull a few of the blinds down while leaving a few up. Dim lit rooms can dampen ones spirit. As for the noise, kids are kids and it can be extremely difficult to quiet them down. I must admit, I do have a very good group of kids. I try to explain to them that Ms. Lori is not feeling well and that using our inside voices is really important. They typically respond well to a simple "Shhh". Outdoor play helps tremendously...lol! Allows them to burn their energy and get it all out.By end of the day, my grandson is pretty rumbundious with lots of energy and very, very loud. Not a lot to do with a 19 month old little boy...lol!...except look forward to his bedtime at 7:30pm so he can get up at 6:20am to begin all over again...lol! Positive thoughts and prayers

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

A few days ago, I received that date of sale notice from the bank for my home. Yes, my heart must have skipped 10 beats! I immediately contacted my rep who assured me they can prevent the sale of my home as long as the modification process is still active. My thing is, the bank itself said I do not qualify for any of their programs, including their in-house program. So, I'm just wondering what more can be done.

No, I don't want to loose my house, but it gets hard "hanging in there" holding my breath, wondering whether or not I will have to find a place to live for my family. There's a lot to consider with such a move in today's economy. I will admit, should I loose the house, a large part of me would be relieved because, at this point, I owe so much on the house. I don't like that kind of debt. I've lost jobs twice which has significant contribution to my current financial situation. Each job admitted it was not due to anything I had done wrong. "It wasn't personal." I really do not want to go back in to the work force for fear of that happening again.

In a nutshell, I wish this thing would go one way or the other once and for all. If the mod. goes through, I can handle the monthly payments that they have me set for. If I should have to move, I'm thinking rent for a 3 bedroom would be about the same if not a little more. So either way, I believe I can handle the monthly payment. However, if have to move, finding a place would be a major issue. These days, landlords, understandably so, require a good credit score. With a modification, I'm not sure what my credit score would look like, therefore, influencing my chances of finding a place to live.

Monday, May 10, 2010

I still don't know what's going on with the house. I will be making some phone calls today, along with some emails. I'm thinking if there was anything wrong, he would've contacted me by now, however, there is the chance that he may not have looked into it yet.This weekend was totally awesome. My oldest boy came up from San Diego...actually, I had my middle boy go pick him up :-D. Just having "all" my kids at home made for an absolutely wonderful mother's day. My boys got together and when shopping for dinner on saturday night. They prepared shrimp alfredo with a nice salad...yum! yum! They did a wonderful job! Actually, I did not know my oldest, who orchestrated it all, can cook so well! My daughter brought me flowers.The next morning my oldest boy got up prepared a nice breakfast of french toast, scramble eggs with tomatoes and shredded potatoes. Oh...my....goodness! It tasted sooooo good! My mom's day was pretty simple. We sat down and talked a lot about everything. I did not realize my kids, especially my oldest boy, is so worried about my health. He is literally afraid for me dying. Of course, we talked about the fact that everyone dies. I think he is truly seeing how much I do and how stressed I become at times. All I can say is life goes on. When it's my time, it's just my time. I really don't have a problem with dying. I just would like to see "all" my kids thriving in this difficult life before my time is up. I don't mean to sound so crude, I just don't want my kids worried about me. I want them to focus on their lives and their futures. They will all be just fine.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Today, I receive a horrible bit of mail. I received a notice from the mortgage company that I was declined for 5 different modification programs! Yes, I panicked. I should have thought before I called them. When I called, they told me flat out "So ma'am but you were declined for the MHA, the HAMP, two others (they named) and the in-house Chase Modification Program. I asked what were my options at this point. She said I'd have to come up with all the late payments including attorney fees or the houise would be up for sale on June 1st!

I put my emotions on hold for as long as I could before getting in touch with the agency rep that did my modification. As soon as I heard his voice, I had to take quite a few breaths because I wanted to cry!

After he listened to me panic, he explained the process to me and that their company was there to be the middle person for me. He said there are some possible options that they will take it from here. In the meantime, I am still feeling a tad paniced. It's like I won't know until it's "over". I'd like to know what it is. If I have to move, then let it be that. If they are going to let me keep it, then let set up my loan as such and let me move on with my life.

I must admit, part of me was quite relieved because I am to the point of not trusting the mortgage companies or the banks anymore. I would rent and let a landlord worry about the mortgage. It would be a headache to move and get everything squared away along with the day care, but it would be worth it in the long run.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

I am truly grumpy and depressed today. I now have a migraine...again. Yes, pre-pms. I like nothing about myself i.e. my looks, my personality, my hair, etc. It feels like I'm being attacked by everyone around me from the day care kids seeming louder/busier than usual (when I know it's me), my kids being critical and friends telling me what to do with my life when I haven't asked for, nor do I need, their input. These are the times when I want the world to stop just long enough for me to get off at the next stop to regroup. I happen to like my life as it is. I just prefer for people to leave me alone, especially when they don't have their ownselves on task. I don't tell people what to do. I don't tell them they what they are doing is wrong. That is the point of having friendships is to accept a person as they think, perceive and interpret their lives. When I get in these funks, there's not a lot I can do except fake it until it passes. My style of coping is to turn the world off, as often as I can, just to be still, be quiet, take a break. People around me think that I am going to fall off the face of the earth or get lost in the abyss of depression. I know myself and I know what I need to do to get through the funk.I'm sorry if I sound inappreciative of friendship and family. I don't mean to be. I just know what I need to help myself. I get frustrated when I feel people pressuring me to do what "they" feel I need to do. I need two good, long days of lounging around after a long hot bath; to lay across my bed watching movies and dozing off until my body says it's had enough and is ready to run again. Is that too much to ask?Positive thoughts and prayers please....:-(

Monday, May 3, 2010

I have very good news about my fallen tree from the last storms we had right before Spring! As you all know, the winds blew down my beautiful tree. The tree was very top-heavy and leaning a bit. The trunk had grown in a leaning fashion and that is the direction it fell in.

I had a friend of a friend come to stand the tree back up. At first, he wanted to just chop it up and haul it away. I like the tree a lot so I wanted to try to stand her back up. Worse comes to worse, we can have her chopped and hauled in the event she didn't make it.

Well, the weekend I went away to take care of my cousin who had the stroke, the friend came over and stook the tree back up. However, the way he positioned her, he cut 2 or 3 of her main roots. Yes, I was so disappointed!...actually, a bit angry! He did tie her with stakes and rope to support her cause the winds were still pretty strong during this time. He said she probably wouldn't make it but if she did, we would not see new sprouts until next Spring 2011. In the meantime, I was advised to put vitamin B12 for plants on her base.

Well, it all paid off! We have lots of new sprouts "this" Spring! Spring just started and we have lots of new, baby leaves! I am soooo excited! Yes, I've been talking to her to encourage her to hang in there. I know, silly, but who knows, maybe it worked....lol! She has a long ways to go, but it's a good start!.....the simple things in life, whoohoo!

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Cranky! Cranky! Cranky!One of, or both of, two things is happening. I am pre-pms....Ugh!, due in about a week, and/or definitely in need of a break from life. My usual method of getting away from my life has been recently terminated. It was a dear friend of mine, whom I have not been intimate with, but he was asking me too. He did some very inapproriate things in the far past. I believe it inappropriate for a man to tell you how much he wants to be with you all the while he is sleeping with other women...at least one the I definitely know of. Do not try to give me the impression that you are committed to me all the while you are doing your "stuff" which is why I would not go there in the first place. To have it confirmed just threw everything out the window. So, no more get-aways with him.Therefore, I am going to restore my small little motorhome so I can take her to the beach for a weekend or two. Over the drivers cab is a full size bed. Under the large back window is a kitchen table that converts to another full size bed. That small square above the wheel is the frig. & to the right of that is a very small sink. Straight across to the other side of the motorhome is the stove. Right where the picture of the heart is is where the bathroom is about 4 ft x 4 ft. Straight across from the bathroom is the closet. Yes, it is tremendously small! Hey, it works very well.

Child Care

About Me

Youngest of three girls. Single parent of four beautiful young adults; daughter 21 and boys 19, 17 & 14. Just got my first grandchild who is 3 mos old and quite handsome. Been divorced since 96, get along well with ex and his family.
Enjoy children and watching them explore and respond to the world around them, making them feel better when the world is not fair or nice.