A blog for me to share my experiences of depression, from the mundane to the painful, in order to keep my main blog for nice things.
To understand why I started this blog, please see my opening post (http://blackbettyleopard.blogspot.com/2011/05/message-in-bottle.html).
If you have any concerns about what I write, please come and speak to me, either leave a comment or email betty_leopard@hotmail.co.uk

Tuesday, 28 May 2013

Personally, I find social media to be incredibly unhelpful when I am feeling particularly unhappy and lonely.

Sometimes I (mistakenly) think that taking to the massive online social gathering places such as Twitter and Facebook will be a great quick fix for a low mood - lots of friendly, interesting people ready and waiting to chat, listen to my woes, share theirs and all-in-all leave everyone feeling better for it. If only that were the case.

Social Media through depressed/lonely/unhappy eyes is a truly horrific place full of self-centred people only interested in themselves and publicising the finer aspects of their own lives - a thoroughly anti-social experience. *Be warned, I am currently viewing the world through such depressed eyes*.

I find myself lost in a mire of other people's wonderful holidays, expensive purchases, new jobs, weddings, babies, new homes and people who don't even seem to know I exist (or care). This is probably a pretty harsh judgement (and isn't true 100% of the time) but it is how social media affects me when I feel like this, most of the time anyway.

To be honest, with all these online social meeting places I have never felt so alone.

Does anyone else find this? Or am I just being ridiculous, melodramatic and actually quite self-centred myself?

Sunday, 12 May 2013

Two thousand and thirteen was going to be my big year - the year I finished my PhD, moved out of the flat I've grown to hate, and hopefully the city I've lost most if not all affection for, get a good job and start living the life I've been dreaming of for years, with Pete and Alf.

Unfortunately, the first four and a bit months of the year haven't come anywhere near to realising my hopes and dreams.

Although I have (more-or-less) finished the PhD, I am currently unemployed and still in the same flat in the same city, with little in the way of hope for a positive change in the near future.
I have spent most of the year claiming JobSeekers, which is a miserable and soul-destroying experience - especially for anyone who has anything in the way of qualifications. Let's just say they were totally in-equipped to deal with someone with a PhD. I am only now an ex-JobSeeker because Pete has got a new job which now means our household income is above the threshold for claiming. So now I am completely reliant on his income to cover our rent and bills, which is a position I hate being in.
Despite having to apply for at least 4 jobs a week for 4 months (4*4*4= a minimum of 64 jobs!), I have only had 1 interview, which was obviously not successful. It's really getting me down as I don't know why I haven't managed to secure a job yet - for most applications I get no reply and for the rest I just get a generic "Thank you for your application. Unfortunately you have not been successful. Due to the volume of applications we received we are unable to provide individual feedback". Not very helpful really.
I'm not exactly one for being full of hope and self-confidence at the best of times, but this is really knocking me and I often find myself questioning what I am ever going to be able to do and if I am ever going to make anything of my life - which is clearly a very toxic way of thinking and never leaves me feeling very good.

All-in-all, I've spent most of 2013 so far feeling completely lost, bewildered and hopeless. So much for my big year. It's starting to effect the rest of the things in my life too - I have so little motivation to blog, go to WI, see friends, exercise, read, anything really. I could just cry.