Apu: He slept, he stole, he was rude to the customers. Still, there goes the best damned employee a convenience store ever had.

Homer: I work from midnight to eight, come home, sleep for five minutes, eat breakfast, sleep six more minutes, shower, then I have ten minutes to bask in Lisa's love, then I'm off to the power plant, fresh as a daisy.

Apu: Now, these hot dogs have been here for three years. They are strictly ornamental. There is only one bozo who comes in and buys them.

Homer: Marge, with today's gasoline prices, we can't afford not to buy a pony.

Lisa: (on the phone with Homer) Dad, I broke my last saxophone reed, and I need you to get me a new one.

Homer: Uh, isn't this the kind of thing your mother's better at?

Lisa: I called her; she's not home. I also tried Mr. Flanders, Aunt Patty, Aunt Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy, and that nice man who caught the snake in our basement.

Principal Skinner: Well, you're in for a whale of a show tonight. Uh, I'd like to point out that the doors are now locked, so you parents can't sneak out of the show after your own child as performed. Oh, and let me caution the people in the first 5 rows, you will get wet.