John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

The ongoing pain from not having had a chance to say goodbye. (Published 12/23/2014)

Q:

My two uncles died. Both were sudden deaths, and one was a suicide. I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye to either of them. The one who took is own life suffered with bi-polar depression. I blame myself because I believe I could have helped if I had known that he had depression. I think I should have known. What can I do to deal with the feelings I have?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

Thanks for your note and question.

It’s seems almost impossible to stop our minds from going over the issue of believing we could have helped someone, if we’d only known what they were going through. But while you stay focused on that issue, you are removed from the underlying issue that the person you miss is gone.

Also, being robbed of the chance to say goodbye is one of the most difficult things to deal with in the aftermath of a death. Please understand that even when someone has been able to see and talk to their person just before they died, and to say “I love you, Goodbye,” they will still feel robbed of One More chance to say “I love you and Goodbye.”

That’s why we devote a great deal of attention in The Grief Recovery Handbook to exactly how you can say your goodbyes even when the other person has died. But it’s not just the goodbyes that have to be communicated. You will have to discover and complete other important things that were emotionally unfinished for you in your relationships with your uncles who died. The book which is available in most libraries and bookstores, will help you do that.

At Tributes.com we believe that Every Life has a Story that deserves to be told and preserved.

Tributes.com is the online source for current local and national obituary news and a supportive community where friends and family can come together during times of loss and grieving to honor the memories of their loved ones with lasting personal tributes.