Financial Advice from ME; and the Dirty F word masturbation word

05Jul

Being rich is probably awesome. It means you will probably be sitting in a beach with a fruity alcoholic drink in your hand, your skin glistening with the care that can only be given if you don’t waste precious time building or making things.

How, you ask will you have this insane amount of time and money? Well, you could be born with it. This would be the most convenient method. The downside here is that you will subconsciously feel like your life is too perfect and you will feel the need to be terrible at things so it seems less perfect. Things like appearing sane and nice. Things like not going on shopping sprees. Things like acknowledging your normalcy because of which you’ll be bad at things like not going to the shrink to get help with the feeling of despondency you have. (pointer – that is the despondency that comes with being alive. The only known cure is marijuana)

Or you could work for it. The money I mean. Of course, there are problems here too, more substantial ones in fact (even more substantial than the problem of having no friends who ‘really understand you’). Firstly, it is very likely you will make this preposterous amount of money by doing something really dull that you are barely able to convince yourself is an interesting thing to do day after day, hour after hour, year after year. Or you could make the money by doing some work that is a bit illegal. This would mean that you will worry that you’ll get caught (and you will often pay off Politicians and Policemen to avoid this) and you actually might get caught some day. Or you could work at something completely illegal that actually and properly hurts people. The problems here are numerous. You will worry that you’ll get caught. You may get caught. Your friends and family may leave you because they detect your work. You will be constantly paying off people. You will feel like a bastard because of the shit you have rained down on other people’s lives. This will mean that you will feel the need for a shrink even more than the born rich. And unlike in Analyze This, you cant always have a handy shrink around.

Or you could work at your hobby and not feel like its work and end up making a lot of money like that. The downside is that you may end up hating the one thing that used to give you joy. You could be left an empty husk of a person with no hobby to distract from the abysmal vale of tears that your life has become. Of course you may end up still liking your hobby. But then your significant other might leave you because your love for your job supersedes your love for them.

Or you could work at your hobby, still love it, keep your significant other around by being a great person and be happy. And that happens all the time. Really, it really, really does. Yeah.

And of course, with all of these methods, you will need to stick to your chosen field. Which means you will have to interact with people, the majority of whom would annoy the living shit out of you.

So what I would like to say to people who are rich and sad – you are rich. And you are sad. Seeing that you are in many ways obsessed with yourself, you are unlikely to ever truly be happy in the traditional way society tells you to be happy. And you will never stop trying. And you will always fail and end up being sad and stupid. So my advice to you is, that you set up two funds. First you give to charity. A good one that does some proper good in the world. The second one would be for me. I will spend our money so much better than you ever could. I will buy movies instead of asking every person I meet if they have the ones I like. I will download from iTunes instead of converting Youtube audio into my music. I will buy the DVDs of TV shows instead of waiting patiently to illegally stream it. I will buy the books I currently dream of. I will meet the people I want to meet in all the different countries they live in. I would spend months and months in cheap hotels all around the world, and find the places I have read about in books and seen in movies and I wont even bore you with the pictures. I will have the sex you always wanted to have but never dared (with men AND women). I will be kinky. I will go to nude beaches. I will be a dominatrix and a sub (I will probably enjoy the latter more). And of these I WILL show you pictures if you want.

Honestly rich people, I don’t know why you bother to get an education. If I were in your position I would simply read and write and travel and watch TV all day. I would give to charity and buy lots of dogs from the pound. If I were a rich woman, I would have all the money in the world and I would do what I wanted. Not like you suckers.

me: that wasn’t as fun as I thought it would be. You’re lacking your usual ugly, dark appeal

ME: Fuck off. I’m off my game. If you remembered to get sugar for us, I’d be in better shape.

– Billy

P.S. – Drawings coming soon (hopefully). I have 3 new ones. Will draw one more today. Scanning may take time.

ME: Anyone want to talk about female masturbation with me?

me: SHUT UP!

ME: What? We talked about this. I’ve been holding it in throughout this post. It happens. We don’t talk about it, and it remains one of those shameful things that people think is worth talking about in whispered sniggers.

me: Yeah, now they’re going to. *about to cry in Indian society-induced shame*