Episode 53: “...But What We Make” (Season 3 Premiere)

Written by “Krenim”

Published March 26, 2002

Previously, on Star Trek: Series ?, our protagonists had finally arrived back at Starbase 47. While the evil ex-crew of the formerly evil Excelsior were dragged back to the Federation Maximum Security Prison after a run-in with their old buddy Galvatron, the disembodied head of Admiral Picard began making plans for the future. Unfortunately, none of those plans involved looking for the Plah D’Viz, so Captain Braxton resigned from Starfleet to hunt for the artifact himself. And now, the conclusion. Or the continuation. Anyway, it’s the stuff that happens next. So enjoy. Or don’t.

“Log: Well, seeing how I’m not in Starfleet anymore, I’m not a captain, so I can’t do a Captain’s Log. It’s just a Log now. You know, the kind that rolls down stairs alone or in pairs. Anyway, it’s been three grueling months since I resigned...”

“Actually, sir, it’s only been three seconds. I’m standing in the doorway to the turbolift to keep it from closing.”

Dukat went storming over to his cell. “Hey, you! Get off of my cloud! I mean... Get out of my cell!”

Admiral Janeway, who (of course) was the person in Dukat’s cell, gave her patented death glare to the Cardassian. “I don’t see your name on it.”

Dukat pointed at the wall. “It’s right there!”

Sure enough, “Elmo’s Cell” was scribbled in large letters on the cell wall. Janeway said, “Oh... You’re Elmo? I was expecting one of those freaky Muppet things...”

Yoda scowled. “Being Muppet what is wrong with?”

Janeway moved to the cell across the hallway, which had yet to be occupied. The cell doors closed, locking everyone in.

Rand, who was in the cell next to Janeway, began questioning the admiral. “So, what did you do to Braxton?”

“I didn’t do anything to Braxton.”

Rand pointed back up to the sign. “You must have done something to him, otherwise you wouldn’t be in this cell block.”

“I didn’t do anything to him! He’s been doing stuff to me! First, he tries to blow up my ship. I fight back, he gets thrown to 20th Century Earth for a few decades. Then, a few years later, he tries to blow up my ship again for revenge. Then, during the Voyager series finale, he shows up and arrests me for breaking the Temporal Prime Directive!”

“Hey, I saw the Voyager series finale.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, it stunk. You guys totally ruined the Borg.”

“Well, what is done is done. Now... Who are you guys?”

“We are the evil ex-crew of the formerly evil Excelsior.”

“That’s a mouthful.”

“Tell me about it. We’re this show’s primary villains.”

“Well, I take it you guys have been here before. Got anything to pass the time?”

“We could sing the Rand and Valtane theme song.”

“The what?”

“The Rand and Valtane theme song. I’m Rand, and that guy over there is Valtane.”

Valtane waved with a dopey smile on his face.

Janeway asked, “You guys have your own theme song? I spent seven years on Voyager, and I never got a theme song! You are so lucky! How’s it go?”

Everyone but Janeway, Rand, and Valtane was frantically motioning to Janeway, shaking their heads and mouthing the word “no” desperately. However, it was to no avail...

A little while later, the-former-crew-of-the-Relativity-but-now-apparently-the-crew-of-the-Excelsior-for-the-time-being (That really is a mouthful...) took their seats on the Excelsior’s bridge. Braxton, however, looked completely confused. Ducane asked, “What’s wrong, sir?”

“Well, I just don’t get it, Ducane. I want to go look for the Plot Device or whatever it’s called, and I have to quit my job to do so. You all want to help me look for it, and you not only don’t have to quit, but you get to use this ship.”

“That’s because we’re all smart and you’re stupid.”

“Well, that’s nice and all, but how am I going to get back into Starfleet when this is all over?”

“Don’t worry, I’ve got something up my sleeve...”

Braxton grabbed Ducane’s arm. “Really? Let me see!”

“Figuratively! I’ve figuratively got something up my sleeve!”

“Oh...”

Sulu stood up to address the crew. “Okay, people... Our mission is to find the Plah D’Viz so that Braxton over here can avoid becoming an evil villain. However, there’s something I want all of you to remember: I am the captain!”

While Sulu went into another one of his tirades, Ducane whispered to Braxton, “I think the first place we should start looking is Memory Alpha. It’s the Federation’s largest database. If any of our ships ever encountered the Plah D’Viz, it’ll be noted there.”

“That sounds like a good idea. When can we get going?”

“As soon as Sulu stops ranting. After all, he’s the only one that can fly a starship...”

UPN Promo:

Next time, on Star Trek: Series ?, the crew begin their search for the Plah D’Viz at the Federation’s greatest database, but evil aliens are out to stop them!