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Author
Topic: Opinion needed regarding dating etc. (Read 5474 times)

Hi all. I have only dated two men once each in the past two years and sex with only one(an old boyfriend at that.) I really want to meet someone yet when I go on the poz website or any other site I meet a few nice guys, then they pressure to meet right away like they are going to die tomorrow. I have one a few days ago who I had been sending emails with an IM on yahoo messenger and within few days he is saying lets meet(when we live over 300 miles apart. then IM's say I love you..where are you..an pressure started. I told him I need to talk with him by Email a bit, then we can talk on phone and go from there it takes time to learn about eachother etc.. (His reply was what are you waiting for time is to short. I have been doing this three years and need to meet someone. I am ready to rage & then he said he had to go now to get back online to meet someone else). Am I crazy to feel that is to much to fast and for all the wrong reasons?? Maybe I have just been on my own for to long and I am just wanting to be really safe and sure before I g et my heart in this love thing again. I do feel alone at times but I am not lonely nor desperate. I would love companionship then friendship and if love comes then passion that would be perfect. I dont believe just because we are HIV positive we have to settle for just anyone and we are allowed to take our time for our soul mate to find us. That's not crazy either right? Thanks for any feedback

Hi Serenity..You should post this in our dating thread. You will get more responses there for sure....And just a quick reply....Yes, he is pressuring you and he couldn't have loved you that much since he has seemed to have moved on so quickly....Just a quick thought....

If I use the acronym to represent your name as we do sometimes in the Dating Thread, then yours would be ASS----hmm. So, out of respect I'm just going to call you Seek.

Follow your instincts...if it feels like too much, too fast, then for you, it is! Frankly, I would be having the same reaction you are. The man you describe sounds like a whiney, egocentric, manipulative loser.

As BT stated we can be choosey...more than ever! Perhaps, for some of us, choosier than we've ever been. A number of us were infected by men who KNEW they were positive. This means that we managed to choose, no matter what the outer facade was nor how much we loved, men who lied, were selfish and did not care about our health or well-being. Or, we chose someone who unknowingly put themselves at risk and then unknowingly put us at risk---which means they may well have/have had self-esteem issues that drove their decisionmaking. Or, we were born positive and don't want to have limitations placed on the array of options available.

No matter what...be as choosey as you want to be. Choose differently, choose defensively, choose definitively. Choose as you wish. Or, don't choose. While relationships can be nice, and fun, and affirming, they're not vital.

Gee, the word 'choose' looks odd after you use it several times in a row. I think I'm starting to see trails. Naw, I'm kidding. Maybe it's a little verb-tigo.

Hi! I have noticed that also about the guys on the poz dating sites. Im signed up on one site now just for friends and I get guys all the time sending me big long messages about how they love sex and want to know if i want to get with them. Giving out their phone numbers and asking for mine. Crazy dudes for real! You are not wrong! Take your time girl. Just cuz you're poz doesn't mean you have to lower your standards!

Its nice to read that your head is in the right place, while the guy you've been IMing has his jammed straight up his ass. All of the ladies here have said it straight to you....The guy is whuney, desperate, sex on the brain, NOT in love but a leg-humper (see Dating Threads circa August 14th or so....). You have every right to choose who you want, and please don't settle. Guys like the one you've described get put on "Ignore" on my Yahoo IM, usually within a matter of minutes. I dealt with a lot of that crap over the summer. Don't feel like you have to be nice to this guy. Put him on Ignore, delete him from your Buddy List and move on your merry way to what's waiting around the bend!

Thanks ladies for the replys. They cracked me up. whew I knew i was normal but those men seem to spin things so dam fast ya start to wonder ( is it me? ) i am happy you all said no its now. hahahah. I have read more than half of the threads and they are great. I am glad I found you ladies and look forward to meeting more of you. I have already made friends with confusedme(amy) and shes a doll so hope you get to knopw me soon as well. Dawn

Oh here is what I sent him then I deleted him from IM wow you sure get mad when things dont go your speed. well I wont bother you again as it appears unless I pretend to be in love now rather than be thruthful and say I am really interested in you lets get to know more and go from there then you throw me way. Cant find a true friend, compannion an partner that way. Hope you find what you are looking for as I am looking for a true connection and that takes time and patience with eachother. Bye delete... bye bye....

Hi! I have noticed that also about the guys on the poz dating sites. Im signed up on one site now just for friends and I get guys all the time sending me big long messages about how they love sex and want to know if i want to get with them. Giving out their phone numbers and asking for mine. Crazy dudes for real! You are not wrong! Take your time girl. Just cuz you're poz doesn't mean you have to lower your standards!

There are always good and bad guys in both online and offline dating. Generally, those pushy guys are not very serious. Believe in your feelings, never give up and be patient. If you need more courage, you could check these success stories to see how they found their another part of life with H:

Thanks for the replys. I will go on that website and see whats there. I have decided to try to go out more and do the things I like ;)and maybe I will meet someone while I am doing that. Who knows so I took a deep breath :oand booked a room in Vegas for early November, going to a show to see the Cirque LOVE at the Mirage and a show at the Excalibur with a psychic Sylvia Brown. I went VIP seats(why not it includes good seats up front and 1 question with Sylvia so I went for it). should be fun and get me out of the house as I am staying inside for days at a time.

You go girl! I watch Sylvia Brown sometimes on Montel. It's important to get out of the house I think at least once a day. Even if it's just for a short walk. I find that when I cut myself off from actual "live" people, I feel so disconnected when I do venture back out. Really, you might want to do that. But, that's great that you booked Vegas. I keep telling myself I will go there before I die.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Hi Betty, I love Sylvia Brown as well and I signed up for notification when she is doing a shw etc..so I got an email right at the right time I need to come up with a good question and an alternate in case they kick back my 1st question. I do try to get out each day but some how that just does not happen. When I do get out I try to do as much as I can before my car drives me back home as it seems it has a mind of its own and always wants to go home haha I am going to go to my AA womens meeting tonight at 8pm, its my home group and I did go last week so trying to get back in to that as I really do feel better and more connected when I see those women I have known, some for 16 years. I would have had 16 years 1-1-07 but...slipped and started over and just took a 1year cake 8/30/07. Timeis just a state of mind, I still have all I learned before and just rebuilding the week spots. My mom will take her 1st 1 year cake next week so I am soo happy I can share this with her. Dawn

Dawn, what a great experience it must be for you to have your mother in recovery as well as you being in recovery. I could have had my 18th year this year, but I relapsed as well. I will celebrate year #2 on the 25th of this month. The relapse I had was with prescription medication (amphetamines, tranquilizers, narcotics). A lot of people don't count taking meds like that as a relapse, but I do because I know better than to do that. I am an addict, plain and simple. I never stopped going to meetings and never lost touch with people in recovery, so I feel fortunate there. I put together various amounts of clean time throughout the years, but two years ago I detoxed off all those meds. That was the worst detox I have ever been through. And I've detoxed off some hard shit before (booze, heroin). This was definitely the worst one and the memory of that is one of the major things that keeps me clean. Glad to meet another recovering sister on here. You go girl!

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Twenty years here. And, I read closely what each of you wrote as a reminder that one must be vigilant. When those who've been sober/clean for long periods share their slips it stands as a warning to others it can happen to anyone.

Hey, Em, glad to hear there's other women in recovery on these forums! I think we could help each other out. You're right, every time I'm in a meeting with a newcomer or someone coming off of a relapse, it's a grim reminder. There are some people I would have sworn would stay clean the rest of their lives, and they go back out. Then there are some people I wouldn't expect to make it, and they have multiple years in recovery. I think one of the biggest reminders of "what's still out there" was when, earlier this year at an NA picnic, I saw my old sponsor. She was other people's rock and had like 20+ years in. When I saw her at the picnic, she told me she had just gotten her 30 days. Wow, what a reality-check.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

And, BT, of course you'll appreciate this. Having 20 years off cigs behind me, I always listen to people who say a catalytic event caused them to light up again. It's a matter of knowing that if you've got addictive wiring, then you're just a little more vulnerable to, well, let's say, voltage surges. So, you plug yourself into a SURGE PROTECTOR!!!

Betty, Happy late AA 2nd birthday on the 25th. Sorry I am late was offlinefor a while, fires had me freaked out and asthma acted up from soot etc.

EM: its cool you to are program with long term time.

It is nice to have other pos women with program as well to talk with. I cant or choose not to bring up my status at my womans meetings. I do have many aa women I know who I have told and they keep my status to themselfs. they help me when I need to share about positive issues but this web forum is soooooooooooo much better as you all are walking the same walk and really get it.