Congress Repeals Ban On Nudists Serving Openly

JOINT BASE ELMENDORF-RICHARDSON, Alaska — Staff Sgt. David Cornell is taking full advantage of a new congressional bill which passed last week, officially ending the military’s ban on nudists serving openly in the ranks. The bill was passed with the full support of both parties and enthusiastically signed by President Obama, although a similar bill allowing transvestites and transgendered personnel to serve openly was stalled due to wording issues.

Cornell is one of thousands of formerly-closeted nudists in the ranks, who are now allowed to flaunt what God gave them while exercising their right to serve in the military. He spoke to reporters outside his company motor pool Friday.

“It’s really a victory for everyone, not just us naturists,” said Cornell, a wheeled vehicle mechanic and closure inspection section chief with the 725th Support Battalion. “As a bit of a history buff, I know how the American military has gradually improved its diversity and inclusiveness. We did it with racial and gender integration, we did it with ending Bill Clinton’s ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy, and now we’re doing it again. I’m glad that once again, the military can lead the way and show America that effectiveness and safety aren’t valid excuses for bigotry.”

Cornell achieved semi-tumescence as he spoke, an occurrence plainly visible because he wore only steel-toed boots, clear eye pro and a nametape/rank placard on a lanyard around his neck.

The new policy has not been met with unanimous support, however. Some worry that the change will lead to increased sexual harassment.

“I mean, if a guy can just shove his junk right in my face, all in the name of, like, diversity or openmindedness, then that’s a hostile work environment for me,” said Spc. Venezia Malloran, a medic in 1-40th Airborne Cavalry Regiment. “Somebody can’t just claim they’re being discriminated against and change the entire way the military runs, right?”

Malloran was immediately ordered to report for sensitivity training wherein she will undergo a “compassion exercise” forcing her to spend a week in the nude at work.

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