Monthly Archives: November 2017

It’s been a long time since I’ve actually written and rambled here on my blog and especially write about my dating woes. One reason was because I have not been dating and all the J months passed me by as did the summer. Now here it is November and I promised my friends I will start dating … and truly dating – not a first date here or there with no real effort or desire for a 2nd date with the same person. I have learned a lot about myself – I have made half-hearted attempts at dating in the past, used my parents and my cancer as excuses. It’s just been hard … letting go of what I thought defined me – grief, obligation, brokenness…

My wish is not to be fixed or even fix another broken soul. My desire is to meet a person that was once broken and survived just like me so that they can fully understand my brokenness, my weariness, because they too have experienced such pain; they have had to battle demons and conquer despair.

So many people will never understand how much it hurts when you experience great loss. So many fortunate people will never understand what it is to wake up with the scent of a person on your pillowcase knowing that it’s all a memory now. We can paint the walls, we can rearrange the furniture, we can even move but that pain stays inside of us; that pain will forever have it’s place. Some of us learn to live with it; some of us learn to hide it well. Then there are some of us – lucky ones – who after many dark and lonely years learn that pain, beauty and love collide, coexist and we start to accept and transform that pain and allow it to bring out the beauty within us. It’s taken me a very long time … but I know I have been lucky …

I have had great men in my life as well as great love and they have taught me how to love soneone as well as how to truly love myself in preparation for what I truly deserve. I love myself enough and need to share myself in order for that to grow.

Many say you shouldn’t rely on another person to fill the empty spaces in your heart. They tell you, you are just as strong on your own. But the way I see it – some of those empty spaces are only shaped for another person to fill it.
Doesn’t matter how much I love myself, how confident I am. I can’t hold myself while I’m crying. I can’t roll over and hug myself to fall back to sleep. I can’t wash my own back. Life is about love and love is meant to be shared.

So I am ready … truly ready to rise in love, learn in love and accept love. FINALLY going to put myself first and start dating, going on 2nd and 3rd dates with someone worthy and not just go through the motions … with grace in my step, hope in my heart and a twinkle in my eye.

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I’ve learned a long time ago that life is too short. I’ve buried lovers, best friends, family members, my father and my brother. I would rather honestly express myself and tell someone I love them and risk rejection; if I love you I’m going to tell you while we both have breath even if it makes you uncomfortable. I don’t expect to hear it back I just want you to know because when I’m gone I don’t want any doubt to be there. I would rather give it my all and fail than wallow in regret and uncertainty. I want to be passionate about life again. So, who cares if others think I’m a little crazy – I rather be a tad impulsive, free spirited.

Have you ever just met someone and wanted to grab and kiss them as deeply as you’d like but didn’t because of fear of rejection? Well I hope you went for it. I let an opportunity pass me by this week – and I swore afterwards, I wouldn’t miss it again. I’d rather be rejected. I have to live – we all need to live – before we die … so while there’s still air in our lungs – go for it … with grace in our step, hope in our heart and a twinkle in our eye.

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I put up a good front and I selfishly thought having my Mom back home from Florida would be good for me so I could leave my Step Dad with her and actually go out and live my life … but less than 24 hours of her being home – she has managed to depress my Step Dad and I. She is overbearingly selfish and she thinks that she is the physically sick one and we all need to cater to her at her whim. But both my Step father and I are physically sicker than her – she is just mentally and emotionally sick, unstable. She drains us of the little energy we have. The entire mood has shifted in this house in the past 24 hours. I can’t wait to leave and start working again. My mother dearest is pure toxicity.

I feel bad for my Step father but I need a life. I need to start doing things for myself. I have neglected myself for so long sometimes I don’t know where to start.

I wish I could be like my older sisters who have estranged themselves from our Mother. They only come around for a couple of hours on holidays. They don’t care. They don’t worry about her or me; and definitely don’t care about our Step Father.

I have been aware that I need to somehow end this toxic relationship and put myself first. I need time to find what will make me happy and pursue that – but I feel so unworthy, full of self doubt and guilty – just not sure how to move forward.