A little more focus on your grammatical view of the story. What i would suggest, is type it up, leave it for an hour or so, then come back and read through it out loud to see if it makes any sense. And also more words in a single chapter would be nice.

You really need to work on your... uh, everything, because everything after the first paragraph is downright incomprehensible. Actually... what on earth is going on here? You've left out words like crazy.

You need to indicate when people are talking. You need to use sentences. Each sentence should contain one basic idea and some things that are linked to that idea. A comma is not an appropriate substitute for a full stop, and you can't just skip words whenever you feel like it. You should read through this, put it into proper paragraphs, and finish every sentence before you move on to the next one.

If you intend to expose other people to your writing, it really needs to be of a better standard than this.