By Day

There is an adage about talking about politics in public, don’t. Now, we are and don’t seem to know how to do that. We are split in our church and for some in their homes. Just this weekend one of my fraternity brothers of 40 years decided not to come to a small gathering because he had been arguing with one of the other seven brothers and thought he would be attacked.

Perhaps, he is right.

Why do I need to convince him that I am right and make him defend some parts of the political equation that has nothing to do with him? He in fact is a decent and honorable fellow who takes care of his family, community, and cares deeply for our nation.

Perhaps, as the bard once wrote, instead of looking to the stars we should look to ourselves. Perhaps this is when we say that we are all sinners, we should be aware that this means that I am a sinner and perhaps it is I who is wrong.

Do I mean I am wrong politically? I am if my beliefs are so weak that I need the agreement of all my fraternity brothers and thus when challenged I react with fierce passion instead of rationality. Or that I am ascribing to my fraternity brother something that makes me fearful. What is this fear? Is it a sense of powerlessness? Is it a guilt? Is it not understanding? Or is it that I don’t know what to do and therefore I simply react?

For big picture politics, I knew how and when to argue politics. I use my pen, my knowledge and my experience. Sometimes I have marched, sometimes I handed out leaflets, and always I vote.

Before this election, I had a local official who is a supporter of the policies I disagree with on my back deck sipping on a beer with mutual friends. He said he wasn’t sure he would be welcome because of the sign on my front lawn. I hadn’t thought about that. He too has the same feelings I do.

Too often our conversations have been reduced to 140 characters or fewer with ad hominem attacks such as “bully” or “whiner.”

How do we maintain our righteousness and our relationships without losing our minds or our morals? Here are some ideas:

1)Accept the current situation of even more heightened political tension for the foreseeable future. Take a deep breath and decide whether and when you are ready to engage. This starts with whether you will even take in the news or go on social media at all in this moment, on this day, for this weekend. It’s not hard to get caught up in the daily outrage or panic or annoyance. If we are going to engage, we have to do it well equipped. Sometimes it’s the time to just connect – with yourself, with a friend, with another person who may not agree with you. Even if you’re the most knowledgeable person at the dinner party, you don’t have to be the one to jump in when the conversation turns to politics. For that matter, you don’t have to show up to the dinner party if you know it’s going to turn into a debate. Don’t get used to enmity, get away from it.It will be there when you get back, I promise.

2)Choose one or two issues that you will devote your energy to. You can’t argue with every person on your Facebook page or write treatises on every issue. Sure, retweet and share on Facebook about your peripheral issues, but focus your real energy on the things you care about most.

3)Don’t just talk, do something. Volunteer to work at the Mount Olivet Community Assistance Program or AFAC or for a politician or a political party. Make sure some of your work is OFF LINE where you have to interact with people face to face and you have to use your body, not just your mind.

4)If you do choose to talk politics,

a.Cut out the ad hominem attacks. Anyone who spends time listening to or reading political opinions knows the common insults for the other side. Sure many insults are witty or feel like shorthand for your strong feelings but are they really any better than other forms of profanity?

b.Instead, begin with fearless curiosity. Rather than seeing every interaction as a chance to reinforce your fear-driven opinion, seek to understand the other person. Remember, it’s not about you. Ask questions like ”How did you come to think that way?” Most people have a personal story that explains their point of view. Seek to identify the basic interest for themselves or their loved ones underlying their opinion. Is it physical security? (Do they fear being attacked or assaulted?) Is it financial security? (Do they fear they will lose their job or their children will not be able to support themselves?) Is it psychological security? (Do they fear that they or their loved ones will come to believe that they are worth less than others?)The director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence likes to say you can’t care about another person until you have heard their story and once you have heard their story, you can’t help but care.

c.Reflect radical acceptance. Communicate that, given their life experiences, their concerns are valid and deserve to be respected. Once someone feels affirmed and accepted, their fear recedes and a safe conversation can occur. Rather than “Suck it up, Buttercup,” try, “I can understand your concern for our country’s security” or “individuals’ freedom of choice” or “a better life for our grandchildren.”

d.Affirm shared values. We all want to feel safe and free and empowered. We all want to protect and assist the vulnerable.

e.And yes, it’s a cliché but agree to disagree and, as the Nassar family who runs the Tent of Nations organization, urges us, refuse to be enemies.

We need to be careful and aware that our nation’s motto is “out of many, one.” To become one, I am going to have grow a bit more. Perhaps, I am not alone.