Archive for the ‘World News’ Category

NAIROBI – An exclusive document obtained by The Anvil today proves that Kenyan president Mwai Kibaki was indeed born in the African nation he leads. Skeptics have long claimed that he is actually a rich, white businessman from the United States who exploited his family’s political connections to win office.

The mysterious document, known in media circles as “The Wikipedia Page,” not only identifies Kibaki’s birthplace as Gatuyaini, Kenya, it also provides paragraph after paragraph of information that is too boring to read. A photograph attached to the document, dated 2003, shows Kibaki meeting then U.S. President George W. Bush outside the White House, fueling speculation that, while Kibaki may not have been born in the United States, he has visited.

Some conspiracy theorists claim that the photograph was actually taken on the moon, where a mock-up of the White House exists for exactly these kinds of photo opportunities.

“NASA carts world leaders to the moon all the time,” says Pinky Middleton, founder of Luna-tix, a group demanding that the aerospace agency make moon-trip tickets available to the civilian public. “I don’t think my taxes should pay for government things if I don’t directly get nothing out of it.”

Middleton says he is using this year’s tax refund to turn his trailer into a moon rocket. “Next time Obama is up there shaking hands with some Swedish dude or whatever, I’m going to drop right in between them and moon everybody. Ha ha. Moon. I didn’t even get that ‘til just now.”

President Obama himself has been dogged by questions about his biological origins since he took office over three years ago, particularly since his mitochondrial DNA was traced back to southeastern Africa 200,000 years ago.

When reached by phone at his home office in Washington, D.C., President Obama told The Anvil, “Look. All modern humans’mtDNA can be traced back to Africa 200,000 years ago. So, you know, every president we’ve ever had came from Africa.”

Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus responded to the President’s assertion by stating, “If we believed in evolution, we’d be mighty upset right now.”

MOSCOW – Engineers and scientists at the Russian Space Federation cheered wildly on Sunday when their $127 spacecraft, Czar Trek II, successfully smashed to pieces upon crashing into the Pacific Ocean. The impact was the culmination of years of planning, followed by a week of scrambling after the vehicle was unable to escape Earth’s orbit and head to its original destination, Mars.

“We had to go with Plan Б,” said Space Federation spokesman Dmitri Crashnikov at yesterday’s press conference. “We can’t go to Mars, so we study ocean. Anyway, Mars is boring. Ocean has lots of creatures.”

Some critics accused the Russians of cutting corners by using an old Atari game console to navigate the craft, while other critics say the new film in the Mission Impossible franchise, Ghost Protocol, is the best of the four.

Not everyone agrees.

“When was the last good movie about Mars?” asks film enthusiast and redneck Pinky Middleton, conflating two unrelated concepts from a previous paragraph. “Angry Red Planet from 1959? Meanwhile, there are tons of good movies about the Pacific Ocean, like The Abyss, and all those World War II films where we fought the Japs.”

Data from Russia’s Pacific Ocean probe is not expected to be transmitted, as the craft was obliterated on impact.

“You American are too – how do you say it – old fashioned,” says Crashnikov. “Always with boring data about rocks and more rocks. In Russia, we study splash.”

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Hey kids, why not head over to PFC to check out Why Did They Cancel the Leper Hockey Game?, my write-up of SyFy channel’s special effects reality show Face Off, which includes the usual digressions and perversions. Better yet, maybe adults should be the ones who check it out.

CAPE KENNEDY, FL – 2011 was already shaping up to be the worst year on record for evil scumbags when it was learned yesterday that the asses of terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden, Libyan fashionista Moammar Gadhafi, and North Korean hair model Kim Jong Il were all struck by the door on the way out. This despite repeated warnings from colloquial English speakers not to let it happen.

Discovery of the ass-hitting provided small consolation for those who believe the three men, all of whom died this year, did not suffer enough in passing.

“I’d like to have seen them dipped in honey and covered in fire ants, and then I would have watched as the ants slowly ate away at their flesh over several days, only to have someone come along and rub salt into their open wounds. But not enough to kill them, just enough to make them get all screamed out before someone else came along and ripped their finger nails off with pliers and then took a hammer and chisel to their teeth right before pouring boiling oil all over them and then, once they cooled off, sending in some baboons to rape them in the ears and eye sockets for fifteen hours,” said the Dalai Lama, a noted pacifist. “But I’ll take the ass smacking.”

Not everyone was so happy to hear the news.

“Evil took at hit in 2011, no doubt,” laments Pinky Middleton, owner of In Yo Face, Ltd., a company that sells novelty shooting targets featuring the likenesses of international villains. “I’m sitting a pile of inventory depicting people no one wants to pretend shoot anymore. Ah, well. Maybe Celine Dion will put out an album this year.”

The ass-hitting incident was discovered by NASA’s newest rover, the Godbot3000, which can see the past, the future, and all planes of existence, including the afterworld, over infinite distances of time and space. It can also take soil samples.

In related but less-important news, NASA scientists discovered the meaning of life, the origin of the universe, and whether God exists yesterday using their newest rover, the Godbot3000, which can see the past, the future, and all planes of existence, including the afterworld, over infinite distances of time and space. Details are available on The Anvil Pro Edition, available now for a low introductory subscription rate of $39.99 per month.*

*put the money inside a stuffed giraffe and leave it behind the cardboard recycling dumpster across the parking lot from my apartment tonight. Don’t let anyone see you, especially NASA, though that’s a fruitless endeavor these days, isn’t it?

PITTSBURGH, PA – Clairvoyant groundhog Punxsutawney Phil was spotted leaving our planet in his mini-starship today, likely in anticipation of tomorrow’s apocalypse. Most credible scientists view his escape as confirmation of the May 21st doomsday prediction made by noted predictor Harold Camping, who has won many converts with his zero-for-zero accuracy record.

Startled witnesses reported seeing the famous groundhog’s tiny craft lift off this morning from the western Pennsylvania woods near Punxsutawney Phil’s hometown, ironically also called Punxsutawney.

“He must have seen his shadow… in Hell,” said local resident Otis Toole, a follower of Camping, when asked why he thought Phil decided to skip the impending Rapture.

NASA scientists are unsure where the popular rodent will go, given the lack of groundhog-friendly planets in our solar system.

Cracky McShake, a geologist with the University of Detroit Online, said he doubted the doomsday prediction for too long.

“I’m only half done building my UFO,” he says. “All I needed was to figure out how it would fly. And how to get it out of my basement without cutting a big hole in the house. Oh well.”

Professor McShake holds out hope that Jesus will take a while to judge everyone.

“They’re saying six months, on account of Jesus being somewhat of a micromanager who doesn’t like to delegate tasks to subordinates,” he explains. “I’ll just hang low, Mel-Gibson-in-The-Road-Warrior style, until my ship is done.”

He later added, “Plywood, baby!”

Punxsutawney Phil’s departure is sure to boost the ratings of tonight’s ABC television special, Dick Clark’s End of the World Rockin’ Eve, airing at 11 pm. Set to be broadcast live from Times Square in New York City, the show will feature live performances from Beyonce, Green Day, Katie Perry, Elton John, Placido Domingo, and Lady Gaga. Justin Bieber was also scheduled to appear, but advertisers feared his presence might invite an early start to Armageddon and demanded a cancellation.

Lady Gaga said she plans to dress as the Virgin Mary, including the shrink wrap, magenta panties, and a metallic bra with glow-in-the-dark nipple stars described in the Gospels.

“Jesus wouldn’t send his mother to hell, would he?” Gaga told The Anvil via telephone this afternoon. “Then again, he probably will in my case, because I’m so persecuted all the time.”

No one is sure when the apocalypse will start tomorrow or if Jesus will respect the International Date Line, thus giving Hawaiians a little extra breathing room but royally screwing Fiji. Calls to Jesus’ 24-hour-hotline, 1-88-JUDGMENT, went unanswered.

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Editorial note: This version corrects an earlier headline that wasn’t drawing enough clicks

LONDON – Now that Kate Middleton is officially known as the Duchess of Cambridge, she is using her new-found royal clout to, in the words of a Buckingham Palace spokesperson, “make corrections” to the British aristocracy. Early reports put the death toll at 30.

Among the dead are said to be Sir Percival Pantywaist, Earl of Priss, and Lady Rowena Candleholder, Queen Elizabeth’s personal physician and supplier of virgin blood. Palace insiders say Middleton has carried out several of the beheadings herself, earning the nicknames ‘Killer Kate’ and ‘The Duchess of Death’ from members of the serving staff.

“I sawr it me-self, I did,” said a palace chimney sweep who would only identify himself as Bert. “She cut ‘is ‘ead off clean wif an ax. All crazy-like in the eyes when she did it, too.”

In an statement released to the press, solicitors representing the royal couple said, “Rumours that Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, is directly involved in any of this weekend’s unexplained disappearing-head incidents are categorically false. Furthermore, the mysterious deaths of the girl who stole the Duchess’s then boyfriend Nigel during A-levels and of the other girl who stole the Duchess’s crayons in primary school have nothing whatsoever to do with the Duchess, Prince William, or that old bat who won’t die, the Queen.”

The killings appear to have aroused the suspicions of Scotland Yard, enough so that police inspectors reportedly questioned Middleton. Despite the presence of the victims’ blood on her royal ax and “ax-swinging blisters” on her hands, police say the Duchess is not a suspect.

Still, Chief Inspector Archibald Battle told reporters today, “We won’t tolerate any Mary, Queen of Scots nonsense. Or was it Mary Tudor? Whichever one was the ‘Bloody Mary’ one, we won’t tolerate any of that. No ‘Bloody Kates,’ in other words.”

The beheadings are just the latest controversy to dog Prince William and his new wife. British “birthers” have long claimed that Prince William and Prince Harry are imposters who killed the real William and Harry as adolescents and hid their bodies in the Tower of London. This despite Prince Charles, the boys’ father, confirming that the ones appearing on television all the time are indeed his children.

Although he has presented the results of a DNA test that proves he is the real William, the Prince continues to be called a “usurper” in some circles. He has also released dental records that show the skeletons found in the Tower belong to two peasant boys named Tiny Tim and Oliver Twist, who disappeared over a hundred and fifty years ago, and not to him and his brother.

Said Prince William in a television interview last week, “I’ll let you take an x-ray that confirms I still have my skeleton, if that helps.”

Most critics who associate themselves with the birther movement remain unconvinced.

According to Oxford University professor and expert on deluded people who refuse to change idiotic opinions even in the face on incontrovertible proof to the contrary, Sir Edmund Bollocks, these birthers “are a bunch of bleeding wankers.”

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Hey Anvil readers… Be sure to check out my latest post for Pure film Creative, in which I manage to be a sexist pig who objectifies women AND come across as homosexual at the same time. Quite a feat!

LONDON – In what is sure to be remembered as one of the most embarrassing mishaps in the history of the British monarchy, wedding planners discovered last night that Westminster Abbey in London, the proposed site of Prince William’s marriage to Kate Middleton on Friday, is already booked for an unrelated event.

Family members from the Lipchitz-Goldstein wedding party, who made the earlier reservation, told royal officials to “bugger off” when they were asked to select a new date so the prince’s nuptials could take place as scheduled.

“I’ve got cousins flying in from the states to see my little daffodil get married,” said a teary Meryl Goldstein, mother of the bride. “Blimey. What shall I tell them? The Queen’s gone barmy and doesn’t know what day it is?”

Frank Lipchitz, father of the groom, concurs. “We ‘ad it first,” he says. “What are they going to do, throw us all in the Tower [of London, a former prison]? Won’t that be lovely?”

The mix-up is believed to have resulted from confusion over the first names of the engaged couple, Prince William Lipchitz and Kate Goldstein. Westminster Abbey officials admitted the couple’s parents called last year and said they needed to book a wedding hall for ‘Prince William and Kate.’

In a statement released to the press, Abbey spokesperson Sir Lemmy Kilimister said, “We regret that our chap working the phones didn’t ask enough questions. He has been sacked.”

(STORY CONTINUES BELOW IMAGE)

New problems for Westminster Abbey,

only just repaired after Kong’s 2006 attack (file photo)

If arrangements cannot be made between the royal family and the Lipchitz-Goldstein party, the Prince’s wedding may be moved to the Hammersmith Apollo, a popular concert venue in London. Pop/rock legends Duran Duran are scheduled to perform a show that day, but royal officials said the marriage ceremony will be incorporated into the performance, likely taking place between music sets.

When told of the potential for a combo event, Duran Duran lead vocalist Simon Le Bon said, “Cor. I’ve always wanted to play for a posh crowd.”

Kate Middleton is said to be a fan of the band, but Oxford professor and expert on royal weddings being incorporated into rock concerts, Sir Edmund Bollocks, warns, “If she’s going to throw her brar-and-panties onto the stage, she’d better do it during the first set. She’ll be Princess Kate by the time the Fab Five come back for round two, and that kind of behavior would hardly be appropriate.”

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Hey Anvil readers! For more on the royal wedding and other silliness, check out my latest post for Pure Film Creative, where I talk about British girls named Kate, The Smelly Guy, and other transatlantic mayhem.

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Today’s top image provided by Hanson Anderson from Weird Dude’s Blog (not for the easily offended! I mean it!)

Valentine’s Day is thought by many to be a day of tragedy and terror, and this February 14th was no different. The Anvil has scoured the Earth (and beyond) to find the most heinous events and dreadful happenings this dark day could throw at us in 2011. But we decided to print these stories instead:

Busted!

Jason Voorhees arrested for shoplifting

CRYSTAL LAKE, NJ – It took a mall security guard to do what has eluded police and FBI agents for 30 years: Capture the world’s most notorious serial killer, Jason Voorhees.

Voorhees, 61, was apprehended at Jenny’s Hallmark at the Crystal Lake Commons in northern New Jersey on Monday after mall security guard Carlos McGillicuddy witnessed the hockey-mask-wearing murderer shove a roll of wrapping paper and a box of candy hearts down the front of his pants.

“I saw this big guy in a mask looking around and acting nervous,” says McGillicuddy. “He just seemed suspicious, so I nabbed him.”

It was only after police came that the security guard realized he had captured the psychopath responsible for the deaths of over 412 horny camp counselors since 1981.

Officers later found Voorhees’ cabin in the nearby woods, where they discovered numerous items stolen from stores at the mall. Many of the pilfered products appeared to be several years old.

“We know that the suspect [Voorhees] kills teenagers every time the 13th of the month fall on a Friday,” Crystal Lake Police Chief Steve Miner told reporters yesterday. “Now we realize that, every time the 14th of the month falls on a Monday, he steals something from the mall.”

He also said, “Who knows what horrors the other days hold.”

A hero’s parade in honor of the mall security guard was cancelled when authorities learned that he had not waited for Voorhees to exit the Hallmark store before apprehending him. Voorhees was later released on his own recognizance.

“I know it’s tough to swallow,” said Police Chief Miner, “But the guard should have waited for the guy to exit the store. In the eyes of the law, nothing was stolen.”

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Valentine’s day sales flat on Mars

OLYMPUS MONS, MARS – Despite a slowly rebounding economy here on Earth, retail sales for the Valentine’s Day holiday on the red planet were sluggish, as they have been for years.

“Man, I’m sitting on a huge inventory of heart-shaped boxes of chocolate,” says Santa Claus, manager at a local Target store. “I can’t figure out why no one wants ‘em. Everybody loves candy.”

His sentiments were echoed by flower-shop proprietor Pinky Middleton.

“I can’t get rid of these roses,” he says. “People bought up all the yellow ones, but the petals are falling off these red ones.”

A retail item’s popularity on Earth does not always translate into sales on our neighboring world. Popular-on-Earth cereal Lucky Charms expires on Martian store shelves while Cheerios and Rice Krispies fly out the door. Ditto for Coca-cola, one of best selling beverages on our world. On Mars, Pepsi and Mountain Dew rule. Other sluggish sellers include Frank’s Red Hot, Red bell peppers, and gift cards to Red Lobster.

“I’m looking for a common denominator,” laments Claus. “But I can’t. It’s like Martians want nothing to do with these items.”

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Fake News blogger forced by wife to post Valentine’s Day story a day late

CYBERIA – A fake news blogger – who was unwilling to give his name – says that he would have posted his Valentine’s Day-themed blog on Valentine’s Day if he were single, but, as a married man, there was no way in hell it was going to happen.

“Ideally, you want to post your blog when your subject is most topical,” he says. “Particularly for holidays. But wives aren’t too keen on spending Valentine’s Day watching free on-demand TV while their fake-news blogging husbands peck away on the computer in the desperate hope that somebody will find something, anything he wrote at least slightly funny.”

Indeed. A Valentine’s Day blog posted on February 15th is about as useful as a pecker on a pope, bogging experts believe. Which forces the question, why not write the blog ahead of time and post it on the correct day, since it’s completely made up anyway?

In response our inquiry, the unnamed blogger was only willing to say, “Uh…”

CAIRO – An Anvil investigation has revealed that the thousands of protestors storming the streets in Egypt this week have been doing so without permits, prompting world leaders to shift their support away from democratic reform and toward totalitarianism.

Speaking from the rose garden prior to boarding whatever-the-helicopter-is-called, President Obama told the White House Press Corps today that, “There’s no excuse for failing to follow the rule of law. Democracy is cool, but they should stand in line for permits just like they would if they wanted to install a built-in pool.”

Other leaders, including French President Nicolas Sarkozy and Glenn Beck, prime minister of Glennbeckistan, have condemned the protests, with Sarkozy decrying the lack of “hot” female protestors and Beck saying, “I think all these people should go back to Egypt if they don’t like the way Mubarak is running things.”

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak himself has said he is fine with the protests, but, as President Obama pointed out only four paragraphs ago, protocols must be followed.

“Hey,” Mubarak told reporters this morning, “you just need to go down to the local municipal office, pay two bucks, and you can protest. Is that too much to ask?”

Yes, according to protest organizer Stan Tut.

“Let me tell you about getting the permit in Cairo,” Tut told The Anvil via telephone today. “They ask you why you want to protest. I say, ‘I want to overthrow the government.’ Then they take my two bucks and kick me out! The only choice is violence.”

Indeed, Egypt has become a violent place, as CNN reporter Anderson Cooper found out yesterday when he and his film crew were caught in a skirmish between anti-government protesters and Mubarak supporters. Footage taken by cameramen shows Cooper being staggered by a blow after the crowd surged around him.*

Cooper was quoted by sort-of news Web site Huffington Post as saying, “I’ve never been punched in the head before.” Prior to the punching incident, Cooper was believed to be the only male over the age of five on the entire planet who has never been punched in the head.

Protestor and part-time caterer Fuad Ramses, who was present at the attack, said, “Tell him to come back with a real first name, and maybe we don’t punch him in the head.”

In other news, Time magazine has preemptively declared the guy who invented road salt to be “Man of the Year.”

CAIRO – Egyptian protestors, still angry over Simon Cowell’s departure from the hit reality TV show, American Idol, stormed a popular tourist attraction in their country yesterday, knocking the famed Pyramid of Giza on its side. Hundreds of mummies living under the structure were forced to scurry for cover.

The ancient construction, believed to be the four largest triangles in the world, was otherwise undamaged in the attack, but its toppling leaves science with a challenging conundrum: Is it still a pyramid?

“Technically, the square part of a pyramid is the base,” says University of Detroit Online mathematician Pinky Middleton, who was not associated with the building of the structure 4,500 years ago. “Since the Giza pyramid’s square base is now facing sideways instead of down, we don’t know what to call it. There is no word known to geometry.”

A team of UN polygonists is scheduled to fly to Egypt this weekend to study the object firsthand. The examination is expected to last ten tears and result in a 75,000-page report.

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, speaking to reporters earlier today, had harsh words for the space aliens who built the structure in 2,500 BC.

“Why, why, why did they use a quadrilateral pyramid and not a tetrahedron?” a visibly angry Mubarak said. “You knock a tetrahedron over and what do you have? A pyramid! It’s always a pyramid, no matter what.”

A tetrahedron is a pyramid with a triangle on each side, rather than one side being a square base.

An official representative for the protestors could not be reached for comment, but an angry youth who was present at the attack was willing say, on condition of anonymity, “We’ve done far worse than bring down Mubarak’s regime. We toppled the pyramid. And we wish to go on… toppling pyramids.”

The comment is thought to be the first time in fake-news history that two articles made pointless and tangential references to Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan within the same week.

Some good came from yesterday’s toppling, at least as far as scientists are concerned: The mummies that escaped went on a mad rampage, devouring the flesh of tourists, police, and protesters alike before fanning out into the sandy countryside in search of more humans to disembowel and eat.

“We think this may be a species of mummy previously unknown to science,” explains Vincent Dawn, professor of zoology at The Nile Institute in Alexandria. “Other mummies tend to just strangle their victims, but these creatures exhibit very zombie-like behavior. Interesting.”

He went on to say, “I don’t know what the geometrists are going to call that new shape, but I’m going to call it The House That Simon Cowell Toppled.”

Anti-flesh-eating-mummy protestors protesting the original protestors for freeing the mummies are demanding Cowell be brought up on charges for offending the original protestors by quitting American Idol.

“It’s all about personal accountability,” said one of the protestors today as she smashed a random storefront window and set a car on fire.

”]Here at The Anvil, we are dedicated to bringing you the stories the mainstream news networks refuse to tell. While AP and Reuters go on and on about political thingamajigs and world-affairs doodads nobody cares about, we dig deeper to uncover the real truth. But before you read on, be warned: You may never look at the world the same way again.

Captain Crunch promoted to admiral

Captain Crunch, perhaps America’s greatest living naval hero, has been promoted to admiral, throwing the breakfast cereal industry into disarray.

“I don’t know what the heck we are supposed to do now,” said Susan B. Anthony, spokesperson for Quaker Oats, the company that manufactures the Cap’n Crunch cereal line. “You know how many boxes are sitting in our factory right now that say ‘cap’n’ on the front, waiting to be shipped? Only about a billion.”

NATO commander and rival to Admiral Crunch, General Mills, has called for UN sanctions against Crunch. He claims the sailor is in violation of the International Cereal Name Continuity Agreement for accepting the promotion, though, it should be noted, Cap’n Crunch cereals have yet to be officially retitled.

Mills points out that other cereal makers have stuck by unfortunate product names for the sake of ethical business practice. “Post is sitting on 800,000 crates of Cat Turdios,” he says, “because they know how to honor a treaty.”

Cat Turdios is widely considered to be the least popular cereal in the world, despite winning multiple taste tests against Lucky Charms, Honey Nut Cheerios, and Fruity Pebbles, all popular cereal makes.

Khan Noonien Singh, a late 20th century, genetically engineered supervillain who was banished to the planet Ceti Alpha V, said of the captain’s promotion, “Admiral? Admiral!”

According to eyewitnesses, an incensed Khan then put a mind-controlling scorpion in Chekov’s ear, escaped Ceti Alpha V in a stolen federation vessel, and was later killed in a space battle.

Massacre!

Trillions were killed yesterday when Betty Jo Mamma of Possum Bone, Arkansas sprayed Fantastic brand disinfectant all over her son Charlie’s toilet bowl, which had not been cleaned since 2008. Only about one percent of those attacked managed to survive.

“This has got to stop,” said Sarah Mecium, spokesperson for We Were Here First (WeWeHeFi), a not-for-profit microbe advocacy organization. “If some kid chokes on a lollipop, there’s this major uproar in the news media about banning lollipops. Meanwhile, store shelves are linedwith rows and rows of spray cleaners, antiseptic wipes, and mouth washes. What about our rights? Why is Betty Jo Mamma walking around a free woman right now?”

It is estimated that a septillion-to-the-octillionth-power number of bacteria and other microbes have been killed by humans since the Centers for Disease Assistance (CDA) started keeping records in 2003. The Anvil was planning on putting a continuously updating death counter on our home page to raise awareness for the suffering of our tiny, almost invisible friends, but our IT department said we were on crack.

When informed of our hope to draw attention the plight of single-celled organisms, WeWeHeFi spokesperson Mecium said, “Oh, yeah? That was my uncle you sent flying across the room yesterday when you took a can of air blast to your computer keyboard.”