How to insult with style

This article was taken from the September issue of Wired
magazine. Be the first to read Wired's articles in print before
they're posted online, and get your hands on loads of additional
content by subscribing online

Malcolm Tucker's colourful linguistic creations have spread
faster than a rent-boy's cheeks. Here's Tucker's X-rated guide to
delivering the perfectly withering put-down -- so read the
$%&# on, or $%&# the $%&# off

STRETCH THE METAPHOR
Tell your target they're "as useless as a marzipan dildo", or
"about as secure as a hymen in a south London comprehensive". Above
all, use your (fetid) imagination.

MILK POP-CULTURE
This one always works: "You know what you are? You're a fucking
human dartboard. And Eric fucking Bristow's on the oche throwing a
million darts made of human shit right at you."

THINK BODILY FUNCTIONS
Be bold: "Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your purview
and ram it up your shitter with a lubricated horse cock." Or: "I'll fuck you harder than Ron Jeremy and with
less warmth."

SHOW YOUR REVULSION
Say: "I'd stop and chat, but I'd rather have Type 2 diabetes." Or: "I'll stuff so much cotton wool down your
fucking throat it'll come out your arse like the wee tail on a
Playboy bunny."

AVOID SUBTLETY
Tell them they've "laid a big fat egg of solid fuck", but before
berating them, warn them that it "might be advisable to wear brown
trousers and a shirt the colour of blood". Fuckity bye,
then.