After 4 years of depression, and addiction with drugs and booze and cutting, and such,

i still have
NO
fucking
clue
what the hell is going on inside my mind.

I'm So confused about myself,
and what i want.
and if i ACUALLY want to change.
or even if i can.
or who am i trying to fool?
everybody eles or myself?

(i know deep down in my heart i'll always just be waiting untill i relapse again, i'll never acually change)

I don't know what to say.
because i know everything i say is just another bullshit excuse.
sometimes i just want to turn to my dad and say
'lets move, lets move far away from this city'
I need to get away from the drugs
and the people
and the alchohal
and the judgment.

but i'll never do that willingly.
trust me on that one.
because i really dont want to
even though i know i'm addicted to it all.
espesiallly the way people look at me here.
And the way that i can minipulate them all
[its not my fault i'm so good at it]

I dont know even what to say...
I have nothing stable in my life.

Every other week
i change my mind
about which ex-boyfriend i miss.

(ok thats a lie, i know which one i miss, i just dont want to admit it)

I wouldnt call myself suicidal, but i do have a bottle of extra strength painkillers stashed away for the next time i have a panic attack
(yea that makes sense)

It says the max in one day is 3 pills
(i wonder what 60 would do)

I'm looking at all the scars on my body.
i still wouldn't call myself suicidal
(how does that work?)