Part 1: Talking Loud, but Saying Nothing

Here’s the problem with the Occupy Wallstreet (OWS) movement: they’re not speaking the right language. It’s like a cricket trying to talk to man by rubbing its limbs together: it doesn’t translate.

It just doesn't translate...

You see, they’re using an outdated, ill-fitting method of protesting that just doesn’t work. No doubt, they saw documentaries of people protesting the Vietnam war and the US government subsequently pulling out. They feel that if they too ‘take it to the streets’ things will change.

What they don’t realize is that the protests worked in the 1970s because the protestors hit politicians where it hurt: voter opinion. Politicians want to get elected. Therefore, when the voting public protested and said they wouldn’t re-elect the majority government if they didn’t pull out of Vietnam, they listened. Why? Because the protestors were speaking in the right language: votes.

Big business doesn’t understand or care about votes. Big business understands one thing: money and share price. So, if OWS wanted to hit them where it hurts, they would tell all of their friends to stop shopping at the big bad stores, banking at the big bad banks, etc.

Part 2: What Do They Want?

It’s a new day, and a second generation of protestors are upset. They’re upset at the corporations for…wait, what do they want?

What does he want?

It turns out they haven’t gotten that far yet.

Take some time to read their, Call to Action. There’s no goal there. It’s a bunch of guys complaining, in a circle, on after another:

Circle Guy #1: Hey man, we want freedom.Circle Guy #2: We’re doing the work, not the managers, fuz those guys man.Circle Guy #3: They’re the ones with all the money and power and stuff…fuz that man. We should have it.Circle Guy #4: Uhh…yeeeeeah maaaaaannn….)Circle Guy #5: It’s the corporations and the government and the media man…

Somebody forgot to teach these guys that to accomplish anything in life, you need to have a goal.

Part 4: How They Intend To Achieve ‘Freedom’

The guys in the circle chime in once again:

Circle Guy #1: We need to protest and disrupt the system.Circle Guy #2: People in education should strike, too. Let’s have students teach teachers about stuff. Let’s free minds…Circle Guy #3: I don’t have a job and haven’t secured an internship, and I’ll contribute the skills that have left me unemployed to the movement…who needs a resume faxed into the ether?!Circle Guy #4: Let’s get people together everywhere.Circle Guy #5: Let’s seize land by saying, ‘Called It.’

So the plan is to disrupt the system, free minds, and get people together in order to achieve equality of resources and freedom?

Stop lying. What you really want, OWS, is to take the power away from the corporations. But you’re afraid of touching that one because that would require a clear plan of action once you had the power. And as much as you might hate Corporate America, even you’d never trade it in for Occupy America.

Part 5: It’s not a Revolution, it’s an Evening out of Wealth Globally

North America has been on top since World War II. Proof:

UFC Swallows Japan's Pride

Henderson SMASHES an Englishman (click on pic)

Zangief (USSR) goes home to be a family man

But now, with technological advancements, it’s India and China’s turn. And it’s fitting, because India invented zero and China invented gun powder before everyone else. Power has come full circle. And China didn’t even need to fire a single bullet. They just waited for the US and Europe to pump too many zero’s into their debt positions and the whole thing went undefined.

It was a great ride though…We had fast food, wide-scree TVs, big cars, and big houses. But it looks like our turn is over. And that’s ok. It’s someone else’s turn to play in the sandbox. Nothing lasts forever. Anicca can be a bitch.

And while everyone is flailing their limbs by reconfiguring sovereign debt and printing more and more money, India and China are quietly making things that people want to buy. And when people buy things, the people that made those things make money.

Part 6: And That’s The Bottom Line…

And here’s the truth: as much as the protestors would like to protest about being subdued by the 1%, they enjoy life better than everyone else in the rest of the world, and wouldn’t trade places with their impoverished counterparts in a SECOND.

What the protestors don’t realize is that Johnson and Johnson, Microsoft, XYZ Oil Company, and the big bad banks have allowed them to live LAVISHLY for the past 65 years. And when push comes to shove, they would rather hold onto their big macs than trade shoes with a Chinese peasant for a day. They would watch FOX News for the rest of their life before going hungry.

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About Michael Jagdeo

My name's Michael Jagdeo, and I refuse to write about myself in the third person. I'm a Comedian from Toronto, Ontario, Canada. In addition to honing my stand-up comedy act, I maintain this blog and write the weekly comedy article for blogTO.com.