Sisters of Resistance and our wider network of female friends have been disappointed with the types of men who, we discovered, fit into the below categories. In this article, we describe their dominating and emotionally manipulative behaviour and outline their likes, dislikes, characteristics, skills and phrases so that you can easily identify and avoid them.

However, this list is not exhaustive — there are many more dangerous types of men, including combinations of the below. With this in mind, SoR presents:

1. The Player or Pick Up Artist

DESCRIPTION

The player is smooth, charming and the epitome of a ladies’ man. He seems to have a knack for knowing just what to say and when to say it, often making you wonder whether or not he is too good to be true. If you wonder this, trust your gut — this is likely the case.

LIKES Himself, Women, Intimacy, Being the Object of Attention/Desire

DISLIKES Facebook (Baitbook), Being Caught Playing

IDENTIFYING CHARACTERISTICS

Often has (or talks about having) expensive/fast cars, mentions houses, holidays, music videos, new jobs/business ideas that never seem to appear. Special attention paid to how he dresses/looks/smells, etc. Funny, witty. Likely to be the one to ramp up the intensity of the relationship first but will never be the one to bring up relationship-related topics.

SPECIAL SKILLS

Flirting – a.k.a. Game. Includes sweet-talking, teasing, winding or buttering you up. Works hard to convince you he is your dream come true. Depending on his lifestyle he may be better at this via text/e-mail/phone than in person.

Quasi-listening – May appear to be a patient listener but rarely responds in depth to anything you say. Changes the subject soon after you have expressed your thoughts to something that is more interesting to him, or a topic over which he feels he has more command and control.

Sex – The Player is often abnormally good in bed, and may even appear to know how to read your body, contributing to the illusion that you are meant to be together. If you encounter someone with these unusual skills, proceed with caution.

COMMON PHRASES

A. for himself: “God’s gift to women,” an “artist” or “poet,” “The Man”, uses $ in his name

C. Other/General: “We can do anything, go anywhere.” “Let me know and I’ll make that happen.”

2. The Abuser / Narcissist

DESCRIPTION

The Abuser/Narcissist starts out loving and charming but in time begins to break down your confidence, separates you from your friends, and family, and becomes emotionally or physically abusive. They want their victim to be willing to endure their abuse and to label this willingness “love.” They are extremely possessive, jealous, and controlling and will go to any lengths to prevent you from ending the relationship. They will blame you for all of this behaviour.

LIKES Himself (to the point of obsession). Willing obedience. Apologies. Fear and control.

Draws you in with a vibrant personality – may sing, tell stories or jokes, or otherwise make you laugh. May go to the gym and be obsessed with his appearance. May surprise you with sudden defensiveness or aggressive outbursts. Will passionately insist that he is making a special effort for you over basic interactions, e.g. calling you, coming round for a visit, texting you back. If the words “headfuck” and “crazymaking” come to mind, you are probably dealing with a Narcissist Abuser. He wants to drive you “crazy” to replace your understanding of reality with his, in which he is the centre, so that he may continue his abuse.

SPECIAL SKILLS

Mind control &Altering reality – The Narcissist Abuser has the ability to radically change your understanding of the circumstances or an argument. For example, he will be abusive to you and reframe the situation so he is the victim. He will often alternate between abusive language, vicious attacks on you and your personality, and Lies of Affection and Lies in the Future, disorienting and confusing you, and replacing your thoughts with the false realities he has constructed. His aim with this tactic is to mould you into a submissive and fearful but still loving and affectionate object of his control.

Getting you to love them / stay with them / go back to them – The Narcissist knows how to convince you that he loves you, but make no mistake – everything he does/says is for the benefit of his own massive ego. He will break down your confidence so that you feel you deserve no better than how he is treating you. As he is likely to become violent towards you, you are in danger when around him. SoR advises complete and immediate separation from men who exhibit this type of behaviour. We are not experts, we are just women who have experienced these kinds of relationships in the past. If any of this sounds familiar and you need some one to talk to, feel free to contact us.

COMMON PHRASES

A. No one understands me / I feel my life’s got a special purpose (or other phrases that convey that they think of themselves as unique, misunderstood, and that the problems in their lives arise from others and not them)

B. Look how I came to see you / Look how I called you / texted you back (or other phrases that make small basic gestures seem like he’s gone out of his way for you when he hasn’t)

C. Why do you always make me so angry? / I wish you didn’t make me so upset /make me get me like this /You always… (and then blames you for his anger management issues)

D. I want to get better/ You can make me a better person (It’s not your responsibility to stay in relationships with abusive men. You can’t make them better, only they can make that change.)

3. The Peter Pan Man (aka Immature, Little Boys, Never Grown Up)

DESCRIPTION

The Peter Pan Man has not grown up. He is not emotionally or intellectually mature enough to sustain any type of long-term adult relationship. You may be excited by his enthusiasm and zest for life; however, his general immaturity, indecisiveness, lack of critical thinking or life skills, dependency on his friends’ opinions, and prioritisation of his “hobbies” or media addictions over human interaction will eventually sabotage any relationship.

Living at home/moved in with you, does not pay his own rent, no stable source of income, easily hired/fired, spending most of his day on hobbies such as: poker, video games, skateboarding, ballin, chillin with the boys. Suddenly cancels his own plans and calls it spontaneity. Uses any number of avoidance tactics re: consequences or challenging conversations but has no filter for his own thoughts (verbal diarrhea). Will not allow you to end the relationship or the discussion on your own terms; always wants the last word.

SPECIAL SKILLS

Making you laugh. A carefree/spontaneous attitude to life – The Peter Pan Man has a youthful sense of play and fun. He may have jokes, be good at accents or impressions, or like to rap. He may try to impress you by initially including hanging out with you in his daily schedule of fun things, or by offering to do or make things with you, but is often too lazy and immature to complete his plans.

COMMON PHRASES

A. “My mum’s my best friend”

B. “I’ve spoken to my boys about this and they said…”

C. “Do we have to talk about this now?” / “Can’t it wait till later?”

D. “Why do we have to be so serious all the time?” / “Can’t we just have a chilled out conversation?”

4. The Gangsta

DESCRIPTION

The gangsta has a hectic life. Thus, he can be emotionally distant, aggressive, abusive, dishonest, and dominating to those around him. Any interaction with him will be at his whim or according to his schedule. Yet instead of being frustrated by this, you may feel strangely special when he is able to fit you into his busy life. SoR acknowledge that his behaviours are a direct result of the system that we are also fighting to overthrow. However, we have found it extremely difficult to establish healthy romantic relationships with him.

LIKES Good girls. Cars. Expensive things. Being/staying out late. Parties/raves. People he can control.

DISLIKES Intimacy. Honesty. Questions.Snitches. Police. The Government. The Man. The System. (As you might imagine, the latter half of these dislikes are some of the reasons for SoRs’ former alignment with Gangstas).

IDENTIFYING CHARACTERISTICS

Street credibility. Difficult to make plans with or otherwise pin down. Good at avoiding intimacy and never exposing vulnerability. Relies on material possessions and notorious accomplishments for reputation. May typically wear precious metals and/or have interest in high fashion/expensive brands. May often be seen with wads of cash, nice car, tattoos. May spend exorbitant amounts on expensive drinks, such as champagne and name brand alcohols. Gangsta/rough sex.

SPECIAL SKILLS

Defending himself and his friends – The Gangsta is the top dog for a reason. His power and initial charm may make him attractive to you. But this aggression will undoubtedly seep into any intimate relationship.

Situational Management – There is a never a situation the Gangsta cannot handle. You may be impressed by the way he is able to deal with change, make decisions and have those around him carry them out. Good at thinking on his feet.

Interpersonal Skills – The Gangsta is able to maintain the undying respect, loyalty, and dedication of those around him. This is done through a combination of emotionally manipulative and fear-inducing tactics he has been taught by OGs before him. You may be frustrated with his inability to say anything really nice to you but nevertheless still be taken in by his gangsta game. Learning to identify and take note of these tactics when they are utilised is a primary way you can begin to untangle yourself from their grasp.

Alternate Timetable: SoR has found that Gangstas operate on a “stated time x 3=actual time” principle, where “I’m 5 mins away” means he will arrive in at least 15 min and “I’ll be there in 15” means approximately 45 min. The formula does not apply to “I’ll be there in an hour/few hours – just doing 1 thing” – this means you likely won’t see them at all on that particular occasion.

Deflecting Responsibility – Rarely accepts that he is to blame for anything. Makes frequent and skillful use of Exceptional Circumstance Lies.

COMMON PHRASES

A. You know what it is

B. I’m out here/I’m a hustla

C. My life’s a struggle

D. Silence or lack of detail regarding personal or work related issues

5. The Alpha Male

DESCRIPTION

The Alpha Male has developed many of the Special Skills described above. He is often intelligent, able to confidently discuss a wide range of issues and may be capable of critical thinking. For these reasons, he is a leader amongst his male friends and is respected by colleagues and family members. He is therefore not used to being challenged or disagreed with. He will always aim to maintain control of every aspect of your relationship, including frequency and length of visits and telephone interactions. He is mainly motivated by self-interest and is not a team player.

LIKESBeing in Control, Being Waited On, Being Waited For, Being the Centre of Attention

DISLIKESBeing Wrong, Being out of control, Being questioned, Any Challenge or Disagreement

IDENTIFYING CHARACTERISTICS

Pride. Confidence/swagger. Is a taker, not a giver. Never backs down. Appearance-centric. Recipient of frequent phone calls from others asking for advice. Like the Gangsta, he avoids intimacy and is rarely honest and open with his feelings. In conflict situations, in contrast to the aggression of a Narcissist/Abuser, an Alpha Male will often simply ignore and/or avoid you if he suspects you are angry. He may then initiate contact on his terms when he assumes you have calmed down. Marks his territory by leaving clothing and accessories (shoes, jackets, sunglasses) at yours so he always has a reason to return. Will regularly cancel plans with friends, family, and lovers at a moment’s notice. Like the Peter Pan Man, he calls this behaviour spontaneous, but is in fact insensitive and inconsiderate of those around him.

SPECIAL SKILLS

Same interpersonal and situational management skills as The Gangsta. Has some of the mind control skills of the Narcissist/Abuser. Like the Player, he is very likely to be extremely good in bed.

Common Phrases

A. Nobody can tell me what to do / I’m my own man

B. I’m not ready/too selfish to be in a relationship

C. I’m not a relationship kind of guy

*****DISCLAIMER*****

We are not saying that all men can be placed into one of these categories. We also do not claim that these descriptions are infallible. We speak only from our experience with types of men we have encountered in a combined 26+ year dating history.

We have discussed doing a corollary article about the behaviours of respectful, loving, compassionate men, but upon reflection, we realised that although there are some men who display these types of characteristics, we have not encountered enough of them to create another article with the richness and depth of insight found above. We are however, in the process of creating a response to the numerous requests we have received for “guidelines” or an article detailing SoR’s expectations for appropriate behaviour in contrast to the disappointing experiences detailed here.

From what I know of psychology, I’d say 1, 2 and 5 are all variant narcissist types (1 is an amorous narcissist, 2 is a malignant narcissist and 5 is a phallic-narcissist), and they’re all using the partner as a source of narcissist supply, but the means by which they obtain narcissist supply are rather different. Some individuals of types 3 and 4 might be as well. This version of 3 http://hubpages.com/hub/Is-your-man-a-real-Peter-Pan is almost certainly a narcissist trying to look young. Your 4’s might be trying to accumulate status in the gangsta subculture or by appearing to be part of it. I think the categories might be too broad, though. You could probably tell narcissists from others in the 3 and 4 categories by the extent to which they attach importance to status. Since they view the partner as an ‘object’, narcissists will always make bad partners. So 1, 2 and 5 are always bad partners, and 3 and 4 might be. I’m not sure if this is the source of all the problems though. 3 and 4 have other attachments which make sustainable relationships difficult (their partner will always be competing with their mum/hobbies/gang/money-making). You’re also talking about impulsiveness with these types, which might be connected to irregular lives and correspondingly low attention-spans (and difficulties with reflection). I’ve seen research studies of 3’s in successful relationships usually with other 3’s (e.g. two gamers), and 4’s in (multiple) sustained casual relationships with a transactional dimension (common in parts of Africa, though highly gendered), so it might be the type of relationship and degree of compatibility which is at issue.

All the types are probably products of the existing system to one degree or another. Narcissism comes from suppression of the ‘true’ self and complete identification with the ‘false’ self of social status, which comes from a stance of believing the ‘true’ self to be abject and unlovable, and identifying absolutely with the ‘false’ self of appearances and social status. The person is ‘in love with’ the false self and works hard to sustain it by encouraging narcissist supply, and their personal relationships are geared to providing stable sources of supply. In some ways this is the correlate of capitalist alienation within desire: the self-in-alterity of capitalist ideology becomes the psychological core of the self. It seems to have an origin in childhood: at some point the person has become incapable of relating to others or themselves on the level of the true self, and of giving or receiving unconditional love. They usually have one of three family biographies: they or their mother was harshly abused; they were neglected and found it hard to get attention; or they were constantly flattered with undeserved praise (not everyone who goes through these things becomes this ‘type’, it seems to require a sensitive temperament as well). In all three cases, the tactic of seeking conditional love as a substitute for unconditional love emerges. The basic process is the same for boys and girls, but the options available vary with gender norms. The abuser types strictly speaking seem to come from abusive families, but have not always been targets of abuse themselves. A particular trick which is open to boys but not girls in abusive situations is to identify with the abuser on the basis of masculinity. Hence why these types seem more common among men than women, and why they’re caught up in dynamics of gendered abuse and patriarchy. There are also strong cultural pressures towards overidentifying with external images of the self, ranging from the commercial promotion of status-goods to the prevalence of the world of images. These pressures are gender-asymmetrical too: women are encouraged to focus on how they appear to men, and men to focus on either their self-image or appearance to other men. Hence, I suspect, why personality-issues are similarly uneven in distribution.

I’d guess 3 and 4 are products of precarity, though in rather different ways. They’ve both oriented to sectors of the economy where job turnover is high and most work is casual, except 3 is relying on existing support-networks as a cushion from the resultant instability whereas 4 does not have recourse to such support-networks and has instead become part of a group which provides mutual aid to its members. Responsibility and commitment don’t fit well into precarious lives and relationship instability is a structural consequence of this, as I suspect is the impulsiveness which often goes with it.

I’d be interested to know what you think a ‘good’ type would look like though (even if you haven’t come across one). As your last post said, we live in an oppressive world and it fucks us up psychologically. Each personality-type responds to the oppressive context with an emphasis on different strategies (of coping, fighting, ignoring the problems, avoiding, blaming, etc). The difficulty is that, in this context, everyone’s fucked-up, everyone has one balance or another of these strategies, and the hunt for a smooth piece of paper which hasn’t been crumpled-up by the world it’s in will most likely be in vain. At most we can reconfigure/rebalance the strategies. Even in an un-fucked-up context, there will still be different types of people with different needs. Relationships are always going to have dynamics in terms of what each partner is to the other, and will sometimes break down from incompatible needs. How can we still maintain effective connections (I’m thinking politically and in affinities, as well as relationships) in the face of all this fucked-up-ness which seems almost unavoidable? I’d think a stable relationship requires that both partners be responsive to the other’s emotional needs, and most of the people I know have too many unmet needs of their own for this to happen.

The standard procedure in psychology is reductively pro-system: there’s the ‘functional’ type who fits into the system, then there’s those who are ‘too’ impulsive, unemotional, immature, expressive, compassionate, etc., who need to be made ‘functional’. But this leaves the question of whether the ‘functional’ type is really a good partner, or a happy or fulfilled type, or acts any more ethically in practice, or otherwise any ‘better’ than the types marked with difference. Is the functional type really an authoritarian personality, or an emotionally flattened person who functions like a cog in a wheel, or a ‘pathological’ type who happens to have stayed below the radar? I’d suggest it’s important not to idealise the type of stable, responsible man who would have been easier to find in an earlier period. There’d be a clear sense of where they stood and how they could be relied upon, but within a framework of fixed gender-roles. The cost of their reliability would be conformity to traditional gender-roles, lifelong gendered subordination, and a lifetime position providing unremunerated reproductive labour (including emotional support). Ultimately, precarity may have strengthened the position of women relative to Fordism, despite ongoing subordination. Have a look here: http://precariousunderstanding.blogsome.com/2007/01/05/a-different-precarity/

“Some women aid and abet this behaviour by ‘mothering’ Peter Pan. These are the Wendys. Some women do all kinds of things to try and make Peter Pan commit to them, but he never will. These are the Tinkerbells. He prefers to hang out with his mates, the ‘Lost Boys’ and run to Wendy when he needs help. For him, Tinkerbell is just a ‘gadget’, a ‘plaything.’ Is your man, a real Peter Pan?”

Also, your comment: “The person is ‘in love with’ the false self and works hard to sustain it by encouraging narcissist supply, and their personal relationships are geared to providing stable sources of supply. In some ways this is the correlate of capitalist alienation within desire: the self-in-alterity of capitalist ideology becomes the psychological core of the self.”

Andy, insightful and intelligent, and much appreciated comment! You wrote it a long time ago, hope you’re still around to see the reply.

Yes, there is more than a little overlay between these types. I thought this more than once as I was reading them. My information on this topic is consistent with yours, and I have out of necessity studied it quite a bit.

Sorry, one more thing. You suggest the possibility of a list of “good types.” I would suggest that this is a dangerous path that leads a person inevitably to the same place PUAs go about women, specifically that they reduce them to a shallow list of qualifiers. Women do also do that, and then realize they wound up with a guy who was nothing on that list and is nonetheless a great guy, or they wind up with nobody because of their incredibly picky list.

What is wanted here is a healthy, non-manipulative, loving, respectful relationship. A shopping list approach to dating serves nobody, I don’t think. 🙂

All five of those types of men to avoid, which are listed in this article make sense, but what about the guy who has a history of alcoholism or drug abuse, or has a criminal record, especially if he’s committed violent crimes, such as armed robbery, assault, etc.?

I’d say that the two other types of guys to avoid that I’ve just added are just as much of a liability as any of those five types of guys mentioned in this article.

a good one is responsible has his own takes care of his own. Job occupied for 2+ years. HS diploma. Strives for more and better. critical thinker…logical able to admit when wrong. Understands and/or attempts to understand when confronted with a reason to/find. Is straight forward. Is misunderstood often and viewed as brutal or offensive for his truths that people are shocked by cause many just have adapted to denying or/and pretending its existence ain’t so. His word is honorable. He keeps loyal to it if not acknowledges with explanation if so need it. In fact asking him to explain shows him what you find important and your need to understand what you don’t is what indicates if your one he can or cannot build with. He’s tolerant and open to disagreements and is the type that requires a resolve in order to move on. Sexual compatibility is important but not a priority. He seeks companionship with a responsible motivated strong woman that is not an extremist. Is kind can think logically is accountable understanding. Able to listen. Considerate. Not a drama queen. Spontaneous adventurous. Organised. Confident conscious aware can improvise intellectually stimulating…interesting….happy. Women often times display otherwise cause many seek relations out of loneliness. If you’re one that finds yourself feeling down cause being loneliness than know that maybe instead of a man filling in that void to be solution you would be best getting to know your self first. Don’t be afraid of humility. Fear of humility is a weakness. Acknowledge your short comings be ashamed embarrassed it lasts less than 60 seconds…all that are able who can and do this are the most honorable loyal and wisest out here.
If you’re not at your best how can you expect to have the best?
Pride is as deceiving as love is to lust.
There are people who find a way to achieve the focused goal. The rest will find excuses. Clean your house. You’ll find respect. I gotta pee…alone!
Peace on the goodfoot

In response to the commenter who described one of the above types as a “veritable stereotype of black men” and said we should “be ashamed of ourselves,” we would like to say that the development of the Gangsta type was based upon experiences with various men from diverse ethnic backgrounds. Close reading should reveal that a number of the characteristics of the type are also highly applicable to members of other (non-black) Gangsta groups (e.g. the Mafia, the Yakuza).

We apologise if readers have perceived that we have developed any of these types based on racial stereotypes and have taken offense due to this. This is decidedly not the intent nor the aim of this article, which, if it were so, would exist in strange contrast to the anti-racist and black liberationist aims of our site. In any case, we are not and will not be ashamed to share this kind of information, which is informed by our lived experiences, for the benefit of other women.

Wow! I’m mostly white, and have lived in a small town and a big city and back again to the small town. There are different races all over and in those different areas, and different races are all different types of people. I’ve seen all manner of gangstas. From the alpha gangsta to the Peter Pan gangsta..point being, it doesn’t matter what race, I’ve seen it with all colors of men. The biggest problem here is ego. If a man isn’t explained what his ego is, and how to develop it and keep it in check, it will become his own worst enemy.

Also I would like to add, The Fixer or The Knight. As I was once an offender.

The Fixer/Knight looks for his damsels in distress to rescue. The women he dates also fuel his need to save because they are waiting to be. As an offender you want to help you girl friend, support her and build up her confidence.

Although I genuinely believed I pulled one girl friend back from the brink its not a health place for you or her to be in.In the same way you can’t give freedom, you can’t give independence and strength you have to take it. You can be there for someone as long as they are there for you just as much.

Cheers

ps we all need a little help so the fixer needs to get down of the knight’s horse and recognise.

Thank you for reading and commenting. And thank you for your interesting suggestion for an addition to “5 Types of Men to Avoid.”

We did not include a type like “The Fixer/The Knight” as, while they sound familiar, we have not had the experiences you mention. This is perhaps because we do not “wait to be saved.” Rather, we wholeheartedly reject the “Damsel in Distress” narrative as it promotes a fictitious, traditional patriarchical discourse which reduces women to a position of total submission. Lacking her own agency the “Damsel” is entirely reliant on a dominant male. (On a personal note, I was always horrified by these stories as a young girl. I didn’t understand why I found the female characters so unrealistic and offensive, but I knew something was very wrong.)

Since the book, ’50 Shades of Grey’ came out, I think this fight has to double, then. While most women saw it as empowering, men sat brooding over why we liked the book so much. The general consensus is that we were being dirty sluts and that’s how we want to be treated. I loved the books and the plot line is really just a Beauty and The Beast BDSM romance. People called it abusive. I think if more people could give and take in a relationship and in sex the way that people who practice and respect BDSM do, it would be way better for everyone. However, the aspects portrayed in this trilogy have been taken over by the men that use it to forever dominate and delude their ego. They were confused by it at first, angry and jealous after and then they decided to be genius about it and use it to their advantage. Just like the whole giving women the power to take off their clothes more openly (I.e. Porn, strip clubs, meaningless sex). They have found ways to make us think we have some power, but then devise great plans to take that power back. They tell us we are empowering ourselves by acting like the whores they want but then talk about us horribly saying they just want good girls. The men today are dilluded and women fall prey to following them, because we blindly love. We are all Wendy’s to someone. And all men exhibit all these 5 traits at some point in their psychological development in life.
However, Most are never told that if they seek control, if they seek the most satisfying feeling in the world, it is self humility. Knowing your weaknesses and the processes that drive you to want to control others, are energies wasted. If you want control, learn to master and control your own ego, and learn to be humble. Most sexy and attractive men to me are the ones who openly admit fault and ask what they could do to change what they don’t like about it. Not worrying about their clothing or next car to fill their void, but looking to vamp themselves emotionally, spiritually and mentally. Those are the absolute sexiest men there are. Not saying the ones that constantly need saving. I’m talking the confident men who know what they are about but come across occasional speed bumps within their own selves and actually ask your opinion or help to gain back their ground. The ones that will do the same for you. When a confident an self reliant female asks for help, it means she truly trusts and truly just needs help with this one thing, then she’ll be back to herself.
I just want someone to fairly teeter totter with through life. I don’t want to be cherry bombed every time I’m flying up high and closing my eyes because I was enjoying it, only to have my crotch and pride stinging a minute later because I let my guard down and you wanted to see what my reaction would be if you dropped me.
People are people. Not objects, not tools, not colors.

Alex C. “white knights” will never be on this list for a few reasons. One, though they may hurt themselves and make unhealthy choices, they don’t hurt us. The worst thing they’re capable of is winding up just our best friends because they can’t get into us if we’re not in trouble, and they don’t inspire us to grow because they’re always there to take care of us should we find ourselves with a neurotic habit of our own we’re having trouble shaking. They’re generally really nice guys. Two, and I don’t mean this aggressively, I’m just saying, PUAs talk about “white knights.” They’re almost the PUA antithesis. Not on a dare am I agreeing with a PUA about a nice guy.

As I delved deeper into the descriptions, I couldn’t help but reflect on my own past relationships. One most recent, in particular, had me falling down that rabbit hole of “revolutionary romance” for about 4 years. I realized that my previous partner was a mind-fucking hybrid of these personas and that quite a few of the so-called conscious young male activists in my community share (and feed) the same condition.

In public they are all things normative about the Alpha Male/Playa/Gangsta while in private is where the Abuser/Peter Pan rear their patriarchal heads.

This mish-mash of oppressive personas makes it difficult for even the most conscious sista-resista to tell if she is in an equitable and loving relationship when:

the presence of the emotional/verbal abuser who you never listen to and always misunderstand is conflicting with the public rhetoric of the dynamic alpha-male anti-oppression organizer who takes all the credit for the accomplishments of women, while being masked by the oh-so likable boyishness of the responsibility-shirking Peter Pan who gets Gangsta on a sista behind closed doors when his ego is threatened while keeping it “hood” is all good out in the streets. And when all else fails, “Play on Playa,” his boys say…but being that they’re radical male feminists, you will never hear this talk in public social justice circles, only in a “members-only” one bedroom apartment where these highly respected community leaders pass around their peace pipe (aka: blunt) and talk shop on how to get over in politics, get money and get dominion over women (oh, but they would never say that last part of course).

Even more sad is I see this growing trend even with masculine-identified queer women as well.

This makes for a destructive power play in gender dynamics which has me feeling pretty discouraged about relationships…for the time being. I’m wise enough to know that there are more enlightened fish in the sea.

And since I’ve noticed this topic coming up more and more among my circle of friends, it would be beneficial to deconstruct this complex breed of social change adapted patriarchal male who have fooled so many women so we may be on the up-n-up on what to watch out for in our search for revolutionary love(ing).

YES! Your description perfectly fits the last guy I was dealing with. I was searching here to see if someone else could relate to my particular situation, and while I’m sad to see that you have, I’m glad I was able to understand his character more through your post knowing now that there are others like him. Most people put on personas to some degree, but it’s unfortunate when “radical male feminists” are truly mentally abusing women in private circles. Thank you so much for sharing. I’m glad there are strong women/people here who now refuse to be duped.🙂

We are glad you could relate to the article. Faketivist men are a real problem, and can cause a lot of trouble in the circles they enter. We need to help each other learn to identify and avoid them. Thank you for sharing your insights.

I wish I had read this before I met my boyfriend he is all of those things. Lately he has not been calling me and when I ask him about our relationship he doesn’t want to tell me if we are still together or if we are broken up. He has done this before and I have know the guy for 16 years and he still hasn’t grown up.

Thanks a lot for sharing all this info. I am 45 and had the oportunity? (just being ironic here!) to experience a few toxic males like the ones you described above. I wish I have had a group of wise women like you to help me understand what was going on.

The worse of all was type number one. I met him nine years ago and he is still part of my life. He comes and goes (this one more often) whenever he feels like it. I am exhausted!!!!!! I know he has been dating several women since… probably since day one!

As you said he invested a lot of energy trying to convince me that he was the one… as soon as I was convinced… he backed off. And he’s been repeating this behavioral pattern since.

He always knows what to say, what to do in order to make me change my mind about him. I promised I have tried to move on several times. I even feel silly talking about it, move on! I laught about myself, how can I talk to move on since we haven’t been dating since a few years ago? But, believe me girls, he is still there… he managed to create linkes between us that are not easy to break.

Thanks again for your support and information. That was really helpfull. I wish I can use my experience as well to help other women to prevent situations like this.

Thank you for sharing your story. Reading it was heartbreaking. The anger that you feel is completely, 100% justified. He has been a terrible partner who has given you nothing but pain, emotionally, mentally, and physically. You have done absolutely nothing to deserve this treatment from him. The people he cheated on you with are not better than you; you are simply too good for him. He is a horrible, cold and unloving person who doesn’t deserve you in any way, shape or form.

From what you said, the “for whatever reason” that you mention is the cause of getting back together with him is part of the cycle of abuse that developed as a result of your childhood and it will just keep happening unless you address these issues at their root. None of what has happened to you is your fault. We repeat, what happened to you is NOT YOUR FAULT.

We understand that you want to stop him from doing this again or “getting away with it again,” and of course, we do not blame you. However, in our experience guys like him are nothing but bad news and nothing anyone else can do will change this. Even if you think you would still be unwell if you leave him, we can honestly say things will be worse if he is around. You would be happier without him. We recommend that you cut communication as soon as you can and leave him for good.

We wish you all the best in your road to recovery. Please write us again if you wish.

and using all the tactics available – deleting them, blocking them, etc from your phone and Facebook to allow you to do this. You do not need them, you are better off without them, your life will be better, healthier and happier without their presence in it.

I’ve encountered at least 3 of the 5 types in both men and women. Being bi means I get to see all types. After a 5 year relationship with a man who was the gangster/abuser type I vowed to not be a part of that dynamic anymore. Its unhealthy and as well as that just down right confusing. We’d break up, get back together, he’d get abusive, cheat, lie, I’d be fed up and try to move on. Then he’d try and keep me there. No thanks. What made us break up finally was when I confronted him about his need for false drama and some story that he made up so that I can get upset and argue with his babymama. Like I even have the time, he didn’t speak to me for weeks and then I finally cut him off. He tried to say that I might be having relations with some of my ex’s who I was on speaking terms with but not with, talk about messing with my mind.

I’m trying to get out of a relationship, well not really relationship but dating game, with an alpha male who’s so full of it (crap that is). He’s got ex’s all over the place, loose ends and following my gut its going to be another situation that is the same as the ex above. I told him what I thought and that I don’t wish to be made a fool of. I know myself well enough to know when my feelings are going to be hurt. Plus after what other women have told me, he owns a business, I know he aint no good. All he wants to do is sleep with me and have his cake and eat it, not with me. I’d rather be alone. He’s a drama lover and I’m a drama free zone.

On the flip side I have had a woman around me who played head games, lying, not walking the talk and just plain confusing. She’d sulk when I wanted my privacy respected but its alright when she doesn’t reply to my messages or wants to bring up my ex and talk trash. Bearing in mind I never did that. Insecurity was large and no amount of reassurances changed her behaviour. Pretty sad really.

I can’t deal with people like that. I like being drama free, stress free and I would like a relationship where I can get along with someone not worry about the insensitivity of those who believe their the shizzle and their own doo doo don’t stink. No time for the one rule for themselves and another for me and others. They gets no respect.

I did leave one time too many… Shouldn’t you make him leave ?, He deserves the start over. You be comfortable and stay in your place, just change all the security locks and serve him a restraining order. Enough of having it his way.

I met and “Alpha Male” and your descripton was spot on. The first thing he told me when we met was that he was an ALPHA MALE. It was from there it was all about him being in control. After about a good year of his BS I grew tired and bored with him wanting to sow up at the last minute based on his availability. He was married and thought because he never took a woman “home” that he wasnt disrepecting his wife. He practically put her on a pedistal while he bragged about the bevy of women he had or was currently with. There would be times when I would get angry with his antics and he would disappear only to reappear weeks or months later as if nothing had happened. So I decided at one point I had enough and pulled out a few tricks I had in a bag. I have a “friend” or more like a gullable sucker contact the aplha males wife and tell her that he was a cheater and the he was harrassing “the woman” and wouldnt stop. Now what was supposed to be implied was that my “friend” the sucker was the significant other’s (me) boyfriend, husband or whatever. Nevertheless, it was reported to me that the woman was upset and crying when she heard the news…..I have not a clue what has happened to the ALPHA MALE but I am sure he doesnt feel so much in control anymore. He got off easy because I had several text messages he sent me with naked pics with his face included. He was so bold to think that no woman scorned would ever tell his wife of his triflin ways because by his words he was just so good in bed. Truth be told, he was that good in bed but otherwise a self centered, controlling, self serving, asshole. I know two wrons don’t make a right but in this instance this guy got his just desserts served COLD!!

When I read the section on the abuser/narcissist I felt that I was reading the story of my last relationship. I’m still rather damaged from the fall out of that relationship.and the pain and healing were/have been prolonged due to an unplanned pregnancy. Things ended badly 3 months into the pregnancy and I was alone throughout 6 of those 9, months. During that time he continued with the emotional and verbal abuse. I grew so tired of the ups and downs that I changed my phone number so that he could no longer contact me. So far there’s been zero contact for three months. My son was born Dec 27 and no attempts on his part to see the baby.Honestly he’s personality is so toxic that I’d prefer that he stay away forever.

My “ex” (I don’t really consider him as a real boyfriend) has most of these characteristics. After 3 weeks of wooing me, he backed off and stopped talking to me for two months. He kept promising me that we would talk, but everytime an opportunity came up, he was always the first one out the classroom or he had to rush for work. Then he fed me some BS story about how he’s “stressed because his moms hospitalized and his brother and sister were incarcerated, and no one else knows about it cause he doesn’t want to be seen as sad”. After I broke it off with him, I was still suspicious of him lying to me, so I questioned him. I asked him why he never seemed nervous around me at all, esp. our first kiss. Then of course he lied and said that he was “nervous as hell”. Unfortunately, I did swallow his BS. Then the next time, I went through my sister’s messages and found one where he said that he isn’t very faithful. I took pictures of it and sent a VERY angry text to him. Then I believed his BS again. Lol he hasn’t had the balls to talk to me since. And now when he sees me, he gets hella awkward because he knows that I know🙂

Yes, I know a man like that he has held me back! he throws my past in my face! he has sabotaged my life by holding me back! he controls my medical decision and which insurance I should get into, he has tormented me mentally by having strange people say things to me, he has unrealistic expectations of me, for example he wants me to wait for him until he becomes successful in his career and he wants me to wait in despair struggling financially and wait to have sex until he is ready and that is not going to happen. He wants only what he wants for me and does not care what I want in life! I TOTALLY GET !!! that he wants a family and a baby of his own, but he should take into account that I have impairments and I need to be taken care of in a more delicate manner and ask me for a change what is that I want and not only what he wants. I can meet his needs as far as considering having a baby with him, but he will need to prove to me FRIST!!! that I will come first in his life and that he will be able to love, care for me and not want me to wait for him until he reaches his goal in life. He will have to prove to me that I am important and that I will be important to him and not his needs !!!! I’d rather have friends with benefits if he will not STOP!!!! being a douchebag, a control freak! a jerk! a emotional abuser ! this is where I draw the line with him !!!! I am really sick of him and he needs to look at what I need instead of his own personal needs !!!!!! I hope he reads this !!! I am not getting any younger and so he better get busy changing his ways or it is the high way for him !! He is already on my bad side of the street, so if he wants results and for me to change the way I feel, he better change and get on my good side of the street.

I’ve been there… With EVERY one life sucker of these ( and their combinations). Glad that this information can now be shared, and that you Sisters make it public for the benefit of whom may not want to close their eyes to reality. So here you are, available advise for women who may chose this blog without resorting to a self help book or ending up in a hospital bed. Thanks !

I just got out of a long term relationship with #2 and only now and recovering. What pisses hism off the most is the fact that I finally pulled the plug on his bs. Beware the delayed response -#2 doesn’t show true colours until they are sure you are within the comfort of the relationship. Be wary.

I seem to run across the narcissistic types quite often. I’m beginning to think it’s my own problem that draws these men to me. I’m at the end of my rope and basically just about to shoot their own game at them. Just dropped one guy after a total of 5 days. Constant pressure for sex, he’d pick me up for a movie or something, then afterwards, say he had to go hang with the guys for a few hours…then want to come over to MY house late at night. No way…uh uh. After a snarky comment at a restaurant, I told him not to bother with me anymore.

I’m a 55 year old white female, mother of three 17, 23, and 24. I was married at 29 and have been married 26 years today. I can name almost each one of the men of these types that I dated…still. At different times in my marriage my husband has been #3 and #5 with a hint of narcissism sometimes. None of us are perfect and hopefully we all meet mates who, like us, are willing to examen, grow, and change as a result of our relationships, experiences, and compass of how we want our lives to turn out. It was interesting to read the descriptions and see a little of my two sons in some of them. Thanks for putting this on paper, I intend to send it to my daughter and also to my sons with the hopes they’ll all understand the signs of unhealthy grownups and relationships and be able to see more clearly what’s involved in healthy adult behavior. Please try to put into words what you think a healthy relationship looks like, you’ve got great insight…and sorry if you’ve done it and I haven’t found it yet.

Omg! U described the alpha to the T! I felt when i was reading this i realized the man i feel in love with is not the same man….the alpha man will lavish u and pamper u but the minute u object u will be crucified…stay away ladies…they will destroy u……

Oh Jenn, you just described the last guy I dealt with. Completely put up a false identity to the public and accused me of “abusing and disfiguring” him (I absolutely did neither)…yet I sadly got to witness his true character. I’m so sorry that happened to you. I believe you 100%. I love this forum because it affirms we are not alone and not crazy!

I’m a guy and i totally agree with you.I find girls will go for these type of guys when i’m out with my alpha type ‘mates’. I am a decent looking guy myself. A lot of the type of men you mention are usually very attractive too. They all have one thing in common-lack empathy esp for females. Many of them will use other men too for casual sex when it suits them. A couple of my gay mates tell me how these guys with gf’s and wives will want a quick BJ and then go. Use other women as well as there GF and then come back to the guy agaian when lust needs that little bit extra twist. They are out for themselves and everyone else is there for there pleasure. Shame that we now live in a society that worships these men made of cold hard stone,with narcissism carved into it in big letters.

Wow. Really great break down in reference to the Narcissistic type male. I definitely realize my recent relationship (finally just ended it for good!) was with a pathological liar/narcissistic/controlling/abusive man.

I must say the key remedy to finally ending this relationship is TIME and to NOT listen to your emotions, but mostly your logical moralistic mind. I have the mantra of, “Do what is right; don’t pick ‘easy'”. Basically, it may feel bad or awful at first to end this type of relationship, but it is the right thing to do. It is not easy at first, but it suddenly gains momentum as time is allowed to accumulate and you see that you are much better off without this type of negative, soul-sucking relationship.

I am honestly much more at peace than I have ever been thanks to waking up and finally just leaving the relationship with no contact ever again.

Thanks for your comments and fully agree with you – dealing with narcissists properly requires immense strength of will. You must break it off and stay gone! Glad to hear you finally got out and cut contact – you’ve definitely done the right thing.

I posted here Jan 2012..it’s now Aug 2014…I wanted to update that I broke up with the guy I was originally talking about. At the end of that same year I left him..after 3 & a half years. I did go through other crap with other guys after that, in which, I do not have the energy to write about. I will say, I live alone now and I am still working on myself. I no longer have contact with my ex and got rid of my social media accounts; deactivated it to be more exact but only go on there once in a while. I’m still struggling with my past and loneliness but not with anyone. People are selfish and I only have a small group of friends I trust anymore.

Thank you for the update. Sounds like you have come a very long way. Congratulations on ending the bad relationship and setting boundaries for yourself. This gives you the time you need to work on yourself, as you say. This is a major step in your self-development. Keeping a close circle has been one of the most important things I have ever done, as it helps you learn who to trust and who is good for (and to) you. As you progress, continue to listen to yourself and prioritize your needs – your relationship with yourself is the most important one you will ever have.

Narcissists and abuser.
I deal with him for about one year. Never in my life or ever nobody treat me like he did. My heart is broken,my mind insane..he really try to destroyed me. Black men are the worse to shose from. Im alive because of. God

The best advice I have read on the www. I am going to be 55 and I believe sex gives longevity and he just wants a platonic relationship. He has told me how it is and going go be and I remember his words so clearly, MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY. I am sure you can guess I took the HIGHWAY. I refuse to be a hopeless romantic and a cave woman…..

Yep I see the traits been in them for 34 years. Ran away and he is still trying to control me. Any advise I’m financially out of funds. On ssi for cancer living with my sister who is bipolar my mom just pasted I don’t want to live where I’m at my son is graduating from college he needs help financially and is going back home to where his father is because his dad has made promises my son means so much to me how can I help him and myself

#2 AND #5 are what I ended up with as a husband! Be it known…that I up and left his sorry, abusive ass over 3 yrs ago! But to this day HE claims he tried to save our marriage. ..yeah by isolating me….financially abusing me….acting like he was some sort of “savior” to me….blah blah blah

This page is what I needed to read!!! WOW!!! thank you so much!! I’ve allways been stupid meeting men like these.. And the worse part was I kinda know what they were gaming on me but would tell myself it was me or am crazy or they would say I was crazy!! Thank u so much for the wisdom because now I will always go on my intuition. Before when I would feel they were no good for me and know it..I would still go with them and then BAM!!! they were like the rest. Its time for me to make a change in my life and its going to start today!! Wooooohoooo!!! WOMEN RULE!!! DOGS DROOL!!! MUCH LOVE PEACE!!!

Not sure if this comment is working, but here it is…..my mind is being played with by my narcissistic boyfriend of one year. He separates my feelings and what my brain is telling me with his version of the truth and has created a dystonic me. I dont know what’s true at the moment..He is one of those people that calls all women princess and queen..i should have known better at my age 46 and he is 55 but i was just getting out of something similar with another narcissist and i was weak. Met him in a holiday village (ladies beware these places are full of them). He has weakened my self esteem and is treating me with neglect and selfishness after several months in which it seemed the sun shone out of my mouth.. I feel my self esteem is non existent and i am usually a strong person. I have tried to leave him several times only to be reeled in again to have the same behaviour repeat itself. He has literally thousands of friends and women friends and he is addicted to facebook. The intimacy, he reserves to me :messages, whatsapp etc he sends to me he is also sending to other women friends (whom i have met) My mind knows everything i need to know about the situation but my heart is still attached to him though i know he is toxic. It feels more like an addiction than anything else now and i just want out in the less painful way possible. Please please give me your advice i have now started crying every day.

Omg.. I almost immediately went to bookmark this page before finishing the first part.
And all the common phrases, you caught ne dumbfounded and jaw drop, how could you ladies manage to highlighted So precise and accuratel!?? Those were Exactly what each and every category said before! Omgs! And unfortunately I have to thank the god for allowing me to go through and met all the people in the category.

Yeah. I’ve met quite a few narcassists. The type of men who dress smartly are keeping up appearances. They do it to fool you into thinking you’re the only one they’re dressing up for. Well I’m on the ball. So don’t expect to buy into it. lol. “I dressed up just for you”. Sure you did, but we’re just friends so it doesn’t count. I’ve also encountered mummies boys, which is quite irritating. Why be so attached to your mother? What has she got that I haven’t? Ha

Am 21yrs old have a boyfriend dt treats me wel,filld wt compliment,carin nd romantic traits,we ar dating for 11months to a year now wtout sex bcos I told him am nt ready now,bcos of my abuser ex bf which has made me scared to go into intimate relationship bcos of his violent act.All of a sudden my new boyfriend cald, to tel me dt we shud be friends of benefits,dt during the longrun if i open up i won’t regret it.But When I read this blog I found out that he exibit some player traits which he is hidin.Am confused need advice

I finally divorced my narcissist, and sociopath. He did exactly what I just read. Back in 1998 he separated me from my family friends, even convinced me to switch careers too many males where I worked. This man is very dangerous. It took me almost 10 years to wake up. He works in the restaurant business and networks for future needs.
The attorneys and many law abiding citizens he meets and communicates with are so lost about the true person they are speaking with. At the other end of the bar he will have his drug connection sitting, he cannot perform without the use of cocaine and will flip it, by making a statement that he never does drugs his only using so he can stay awake and spend time with me. As if it’s my fault he’s using. Never wants to have a meaningful conversation. When I said we should be friends he responded he already has plenty of friends. My job is to be at his side when he snaps, regardless of time. 3am or 9am. He lures you in with expensive gifts as he slowly pulls you away from the world. Then he brings his 32 yr. Old son into the relationship who waits tables only 4 days a week no weekends, just enough to pay for weed, and fast food.
He treats his son like his 14years old. Must admit he looks 14. No education from talking to his son he probably didn’t make it to his first year of high school. And both of them are 2 of the filthest males I’ve ever known. His sons toilet water was completely black. 8years of never cleaning bathroom. Inadvertently killed his 1st wife. He is Iranian and I’m warning you ladies if you meet this man who manages a restaurant on sugarloaf mountain in Maryland run don’t walk.
I’m not saying this because I’m bitter or want him, I woke up and left. I’m trying to save you from a nitemare that will always be in your mind. Best of luck to his next victim.

Thank you very much. Talking to him was starting to make me tremble and have headaches and those are not things that usually happen when I’m upset. I made the first step tonight by blocking him from all social media and on my phone. I want strength to keep it that way.