America’s Got Talent: It turns out, YouTube does not have much talent

It’s the dreaded YouTube night, you guys. Because Jackie Evancho was found via YouTube last year, we get to be subjected to an evening of lame basketball tricks, boring “illusionists” and kids doing somersaults. So, thanks for making Jackie Evancho a huge star, everyone. You’ve got no one to blame here but yourselves. Well done.

TNC Elite: The clogging team (“We have a passion for clogging!” Well, who doesn’t?) strives to make the dance relevant by performing to contemporary music. To this end, they put on school girl skirts and stomp around to “I Gotta Feeling.” They aren’t bad, but they seem to be stepping on the off-beat which is distracting. Frankly, they are much more entertaining when the music was turned off, and the steps themselves became the beat. Piers thinks it was pretty good; Sharon doesn’t know if it works and Howie thinks it was like a tap dance recital. He’s not wrong.

Brett Daniels: The illusionist performs a “tribute to Marilyn Monroe” that involves a portrait of the icon coming to life and then disappearing again. Aside from the fact that it was not a little cheesy, the seams on the illusions were showing. Sharon found the presentation slow; Howie didn’t think the performance went well; and Piers, who X’d the act, thinks the whole thing lacked pizazz.

Gabe Rocks: It’s the skateboarding bulldog from the YouTubes! Everybody loves that skateboarding dog! Gabe, who is adorable, mounts a rocking horse, pretends to X Piers (who Xs Gabe right back), lifts his leg on a cut out of the grumpy judge, and then sort of skateboards down the stage. Sort of. Listen, I love Gabe. He really has a great deal of character and is entertaining to watch. But. He’s a perfect example of how internet videos don’t necessarily translate into Vegas acts. Piers has an existential crisis and wonders what he is doing here; Sharon wonders if the dog is worth a million dollar act; and Howie thinks Gabe is going to steal America’s heart.

Aeon: They are a parkour or “free-running” group (it’s not exactly clear which they are? Maybe free-running?), and maybe they are good. It’s impossible to tell from this very low-energy performance. Free-running is a very specific thing, using the environment to leap and jump and spin and run up walls, and it is very cool! But this isn’t that. Maybe it’s the limitations of being inside on a stage that drained this group of their energy, or maybe they just weren’t creative enough to create a set piece that they could work off of to demonstrate their technique. Whichever, it doesn’t really matter in the end. Piers Xs them, and explains that the act was poorly choreographed; Sharon thought it was repetitive and Howie thought it was original. It was not.

Breena Bell: The8-year-old contortionist/dancer mostly somersaults over the stage and bends her legs over her head. That’s it. Just a bunch of somersaults and cartwheels. Piers Xs the underwhelming routine and I begin wonder about what they didn’t choose from the YouTube submissions that they chose this. And I know I’m a terrible person for being mean about an 8-year-old, but seriously, y’all. Piers thinks the act doesn’t quite work (UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE NIGHT); Sharon thinks it’s a bit early for Breena; and Howie thinks she has a shot. She most certainly does not.

Kevin Colis: The 33-year-old singer/songwriter from New Braunfels performs Bruno Mars “The Lazy Song,” and it’s fine. It’s perfectly alright. There is nothing bad or offensive or, for that matter, memorable about it at all. And I feel bad for him, because I don’t doubt that as a songwriter he’s quite talented — it’s just that this show does not reward originality. Thus to win, Kevin and all the other singers will have to perform other people’s material. This is fine if you are an artist like Prince Poppycock who brings something different to the act; it’s unmemorable if you’re just performing Bruno Mars’ songs like Bruno Mars. Howie wonders if he will be able to compete with the other singers; Piers thinks he has a great voice; and Sharon thought his performance was really good. It was fine.

Beth Ann Robinson: I’m sure the lovely 14-year-old contemporary dancer will have a great audition on So You Think You Can Dance in four or five years. As to whether she’ll be able to follow the NappyTabs choreography in Las Vegas, that’s a whole other matter. Piers thinks she’s a brilliant dancer; Sharon thinks she’s exceptional; and Howie found her phenomenal to watch. I think she needs a few more years of training and Sonia Tayeh.

Gymkana: The acrobatics team from the University of Maryland are the first really good act of the night. Their novel use of ladders creates an almost kaleidoscope effect, unlike anything I’ve seen before. Sharon thinks they are mindboggling; Howie has never seen anything like it; and Piers admires their strength, but worries that they are repetitive. They are not, and he is wrong.

Kalani Basektball Freestyle: He does basketball tricks. Piers Xs him for dropping the ball at one point, but I’d have Xd him for being SO BORING. Howie thinks its a dinner theater version of Space Jam; Piers noted that he dropped the ball more than once; and Sharon tells him that his discomfort made her uncomfortable.

West Springfield Dance Team: The high school dance team, with their Matrix-esque costumes and scary contact lenses, are certainly unlike any other dance troupe that has been on this stage. The routine is both entertaining and memorable, and on a night without much going for it, one of the highlights. Piers thinks they lived up to the potential of their audition video; Sharon loved the choreography but they need to change their name; and Howie thinks they are great.

HEY, GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE! NEXT WEEK WILL BE THE WILD CARD ACTS, BECAUSE THIS SHOW, IT NEVER ENDS. EVER. NEVER EVER EVER.

Matt Wilhelm: He’s a BMX trick guy, but the twist here is that he performs his tricks in a neon Mr. Slim Goodbody suit, in blacklight. Frankly, I don’t see where else this act will go, and I don’t think it can stand up against something like Team iLuminate which has an unlimited font of creativity. I mean, how many times can you watch a bike spin around in the dark before it loses its novelty? Also, why does he only have a heart and kidneys? And why are those kidneys SO HUGE? UGH. WHY. The judges whole-heartedly disagree with me. (PUN!) Sharon thinks he’s fantastic; Howie thinks he’s phenomenal; and Piers compares him to Jackie Evancho. NOPE. WRONG.

Powerhouse: The high school choir would like to take credit for inspiring Glee, thank you very much. This might actually be true, but they are no Glee. Their performance of “Fireworks” is off-key and painful and tacky and I just … Look. I know they don’t have the benefit of studio recordings and having Broadway performers in their troupe and a huge costume budget, but this is also exactly the problem. They’re the ones who invited the comparison to Glee, and because they are real, they are always going to fall short. In a twist, Howie Xs them because they are Glee-lite; Sharon thinks they are infectious; and Piers tells them that they made him happy, and that they were the cheesiest thing he’d ever seen.

It’s been a lackluster night, y’all. I don’t know that there are four acts worthy of moving on, frankly. Here are my best guesses:

Gymkana

West Springfield Dance Team

Beth Ann Robinson

Matt Wilhelm probably, but bleh.

What do you think? Who will move on? And can we vote to never have a YouTube night ever again? Is that an option?