The Bachelor Has Arrived In Crazytown A Good Three Weeks Early--And I Love It

Wow. I've just disembarked from the possessed rollercoaster that is episode two of The Bachelor. Let's get some brief business out of the way: Ben went on one-one-ones with the kitten-faced Kacie B. and sinister Courtney this week. Both got roses, and the group date's went to Blakeley--about whom you'll now learn plenty more.

Now, with all the roses distributed, it's time to hand out some awards.

How does she stack up against our original, Courtney? Both "go after what they want" and "usually get it." Both have eyes filled with terrifying venom. Blakeley is better at resisting dated Charlie Sheen references (come on, Courtney, you knew this stuff would air months later. You may as well have been talking about POGs). But Courtney is better at faking normalcy. And about 70 percent of being normal, after all, is not wearing this outfit:

After Blakeley, who was later made to play a cookie in a children's play, paraded around in that one-piece, Samantha sniped, "What do you get when you cross a gingerbread man and a hooker? Blakeley!" However, Samantha loses some points for later calling Blakeley "jugs" while wearing the below.

"I love horses. I'm a tractor girl. I drive a F350. It's weird being here and wearing real makeup because normally, dirt's my makeup." Is that so, Lindzi? Then I look forward to your hometown date. That makeup comment annoyed me so much, I'm not even going to spell-check my version of her name. I'm just going with the most likely Bachelor iteration.

Below, your Bachelor episode by the numbers, and a farewell tribute to the extraordinary range of tense faces made by Jenna (whom, along with Shawn, was sent packing tonight).