Let’s Make Up Some Stuff About Adam Lambert

So the world is buzzing about the wacky on-stage antics of American Idol second-placer Adam Lambert at the American Music Awards this weekend – apparently he pretended to hump someone, which has never been done by anybody in concert ever! And the viewing public was shocked! Considering that we’re used to Idol contestants being chemically castrated (how else do you explain the rapid weight gain of Ruben Studdard and Fantasia Barrino?), Lambert’s horny performance has quickly made him a star. But who is Adam Lambert, really? Sure, you could go to Wikipedia to get what may or may not be facts, or you could come to Heavy.com and get things that absolutely aren’t facts, but sound really good. Ready? Let’s learn!

Adam Lambert was born in Indianapolis, Indiana, and when he was two years old his birth parents traded him to a loosely-knit family of time-traveling gypsies for an extensive library of Betamax movies. Lambert traveled with the gypsies to California in the 1890s, making a fortune in gold, before losing his fortune to bullies as he was still a toddler. Returning to his original timeline, Lambert quickly benefited from subtle changes he had made in the past – by exposing his great-great-grandfather to a rare radioactive isotope, he ensured that the future Adam was born gay, with all of the increased performance skills that entails.

From the age of twelve, Adam worked professionally on the stage, being cast in Ten Commandments: The Musical alongside Val Kilmer. The young star studied Kilmer’s mannerisms heavily, being referred to behind his back as “Mini-Kilmer” by the jealous understudies, stagehands and ushers. The pair even began dressing alike, affecting an ensemble of tight leather pants, string vests and artfully cocked hats as they prowled the alleys of Soho looking for rough swaps. But the two would have a falling out when Kilmer learned that Lambert was Jewish, not some kind of light-skinned Space Italian, and they haven’t spoken in years. If you look carefully, you can see a dejected Lambert placing a collect call to Kilmer in the background of the American Idol finale, but we went to credits before we could see if he picked up.

During the Idol season, photos of Lambert kissing a man on the mouth surfaced in the gossip rags, leading to speculation that the young singer was gay. Lambert furiously denied the allegation, claiming that he was instead trying to prevent his cohort from choking to death on a novelty ice cube. Unfortunately, the ice cube proved victorious and the other man in the incident died. The autopsy revealed nothing but a puddle of water in his trachea – the perfect crime.

After coming in second on American Idol, Lambert began recording his solo album, For Your Entertainment. The album features guest performances by some of the music industry’s hottest stars, including Slash of Guns & Roses, Lady Gaga, and Bob Dylan. Songs are written by hitmakers Max Martin, Linda Perry, Rivers Cuomo and Gary Coleman, who contributes a soulful ballad. The album shot to the top of the Billboard chart, displacing the Boyz 2 Men reunion album, Reunion, and Adam Lambert looks to be a star to watch in the universe of watchable stars – forever!