Recently, a blogging friend had one of her projects featured on Apartment Therapy. Great news, right? That’s like going to the show.

(Profanity alert: There’s a bit of it in this clip.)

But as Bull could tell you…

…the pitchers throw ungodly breaking stuff in the show.

It’s not all fun and games in the majors. As a commenter on this blog mentioned recently, the comments on AT can be snarky–which my friend got to learn the hard way. She definitely got slammed by some breaking stuff.

I hope she takes comfort in knowing it’s not just her. Another post the week following hers generated more of the same, and some controversy ensued in the comment thread when the moderators pulled comments. AT (sorta) addressed the problem itself this week, with this post on things we can take away from anyone’s project, whether we like the final result or not.

Apparently, this isn’t an issue just for the B-list bloggers (and C/D/E/F-listers). A few weeks back Sherry of Young House Love (about as A-List as you can get in the home blogging world) wrote a whole post about dealing with criticism and responding to negative comments. It seems that even big dogs can feel a little dog’s bite.

photo credit at end of post

All of which has produced much pondering and discussion between Cane and me–about polite discourse, the role and purpose of critique, and what all of us bloggers are doing this for anyway.

(I know I just made us sound really boring and stuffy. Maybe we are? Feel free to let us know. Really. You’ll know why we say that if you read on.)

Critiquing the critics

As we’ve been reading and talking, we’ve come to think that some responses to criticism have the potential to be as problematic as poor criticism itself. Although they come from a good place–a desire to show support and counter critique they disagree with–we think they shut down critical thought and inquiry. Maybe it’s the teacher in us, but we’re big fans of critical thought and inquiry. In fact, we think they’re really important–so important we want to talk about the problem we see with four responses in particular:

If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.

Some bloggers and readers of blogs seem to feel that we should just hold our tongues if the words at the tip of them aren’t “nice”–and it seems that anything less than agreement with the designer’s choices is not nice. We respectfully disagree.

We think conflicting opinions and dissent are healthy. Exposure to new ideas and different ways of thinking are the only pathways to growth that we know. Way back when in school we learned that the best way to build a strong argument is to closely study the opposing argument. We think all kinds of things are made stronger by learning about their opposition.

But let’s not confuse “nice” with “nicely.” We do think that if you can’t say something niceLY, you should probably bite that mean tongue of yours and hold it until you can figure out a respectful way to share your two bits.

Sometimes it’s not just a matter of using unkind words. Some people are mean trolls trying to stir sh!t up. True as that is, it’s not really relevant. Think of a room you’ve seen recently that you love. We bet you don’t think the room is great because its designer is a great person. You think it’s great because it’s got great design. Similarly, an opinion isn’t wrong because the person stating it is a jerk.

We think the best way to bolster a fellow blogger or ourselves in the face of criticism is to look at the substance of the comment and respond to it–not to the language or character of the commenter. You then raise the level of discourse higher than the gutter the troll started it in. Or, you might find out that there’s some truth in the comment, which you couldn’t initially see because of all the steam swirling around it. Even jerks can make a good point sometimes.

SO many people love your work. Of course it’s great!

Do tons of people love your work? Awesome. It feels great when others appreciate something we’ve poured ourselves into. But that doesn’t mean it’s great work. It might be great work. It’s likely that it’s good work. But popularity (or unpopularity) isn’t really the measure of value.

You want to support someone whose work is being knocked down by others? Build it up on something way more solid than popular opinion. Talk about the great qualities inherent in the work. That’s more likely to sway those detractors–and to help the creator of the work feel good about it in spite of nasty nay-sayers.

Who cares what anyone else thinks? As long as you like it, that’s all that matters.

Well… yes and no. You liking your own stuff is important. However, we don’t think it’s all that matters. Maybe it does if the only reason you’re putting your work out there is to hear other people tell you how wonderful it is. We don’t think that’s why most bloggers are blogging, though.

Many (like us) are blogging to be part of a conversation. We’re doing it to learn and grow and be entertained. We love reading about what others are doing, and we like comments and suggestions that help us do what we’re doing better. (Some readers have done just that, and we really appreciate it.)

At the end of the day, sure, we want to like our stuff. But what other people think is valuable to us. Doesn’t mean we have to accept their perspective or act on it, but even ideas we reject can help us see something in a new and valuable way. Which only makes us like our stuff more.

Want a great example of what we’re talking about?

You can find it right here, on Retro Ranch Revamp. After Kate shared her plans for backsplash tile, readers wrote in with quite a few other suggestions they thought might work better.

Kate thought this shimmery, coppery tile would make a great backsplash in her retro kitchen. Not all of her readers agreed. (Photo courtesy of Kate: http://retroranchrevamp.com/2012/02/01/kitchen-backsplash-plans/)

They made their suggestions nicely.

Kate thought about them and then tried them out with great Photoshop mockups, so that we could all see how they might work.

Her conclusion: She likes her original choice. Clearly, though, her choice is now informed by consideration of a wide range of options. I bet she feels even more confident in it than she did before others suggested different ideas.

That said…

…we think there should be a lot more civility in not just the blogging world, but the world at large. We think the kind of anonymous snarkiness we see online is symptom of a larger problem that has our country/world in some of the messes we are mired in.

Not to get too serious (OK, we’re going to get serious), but we’ve got some huge, complex issues facing us–environmental crisis, economic instability, and educational systems that can’t keep up with the rapid pace of change are just a few.

Finding solutions to our big problems will require the coming together of many great minds. We need debate and exchanges of ideas that widen our perspective and creativity–not ones that cause us to shut down and close both our mouths and our ears. (Not to mention our hearts.)

When people respond to each other with nasty, loaded language, irrelevant put-downs, and personal attacks, it doesn’t serve any of us. Even if the topic is something much simpler than one of those afore-mentioned complex societal problems. Like whether or not we should paint wainscoting, or if a desk is too modern for the room it is in.

We think it’s great and amazing that blogging gives so many of us a chance to hear and to be heard. We love home/family blogging because it’s helping us do a better job of impacting the part of the world we can have some real control over–our homes and the people we live with. We want home/family/lifestyle blogs to be a place where there is a healthy exchange of viewpoints. If we can do that there, maybe it can spread to other, more challenging arenas.

In conclusion…

We’re stepping down from our soapbox now, but as we do, we want to leave you with these final words:

Let’s play nice out there! It makes the sandbox a whole lot more fun.

So, tell us what you really think (but please, tell us nicely)

Are we out to lunch? How has feedback helped and hurt you? What kind of feedback is most helpful?

If you’ve enjoyed this post, please Like us on FB, so you’ll know when we’re serving up more of the same.

8 Comments

IF I ask for help with an idea, then I’m open to help. But if I just say that I’m doing something or that I’ve chosen _____, I could care less what someone else thinks and I think it’s weird if someone suggests something different.

I don’t make suggestions unless specifically asked, and would hope that others would show me that same consideration.

I might qualify this some. I think it depends on the venue, perhaps. Seems to me that a big part of AT is that it’s a forum for discussion and expression of different perspectives. If they ever featured one of our projects, I’d expect to get that kind of feedback. Other places I might not.

But I think you’re right on a personal blog. I’d never give that kind of feedback without being asked, either.

Wow….I had already read YHL’s post….but I went over and read the AT post and I agree with so much of what is said over there. It’s kind of what rate my space used to be like…..they probably stopped getting quality submissions because no one wanted to put their spaces out there because so many people were so negative without any reason.

That being said. Not everyone is going to agree with how you finished your DYI. Everyone has their own taste…..everyone has their own style. I don’t mind a little difference of opinion…..I like authenticity. It’s just when it’s reduced to rude statements that I find it disheartening!

Hi Karianne–
We’re totally on the same page with you about rudeness–I hope that came through. I agree with you that too much of it, left unchecked, does exactly what you said–it makes people unwilling to share, and that hurts everyone (not just the person who put their work out there).

One thing I’ve really appreciated about reading a variety of home blogs is coming to understand when I’m responding (or not) to someone’s space that it can be about more than my personal taste. I’m getting to a place where I can admire spaces that aren’t my style because I can see that it’s still good design. I think I’ve gotten that learning from all kinds of blogs and commenters, both good and bad.

Really appreciate the work you contribute to all this learning for me!

rita, this is an excellent post. i (like thousands of others) read the YHL post, and wound up scratching my head a bit. it always smacks of “we like what we do, and hope you do too, but if not, there are tons of others who think we’re cool, so take a (lovely) hike.” always polite, always gracious, but lacking in the “there’s wisdom in numbers” idea. the pogniant examples of that have come on the few occasions that readers overwhelmingly comment that they dislike something, and the response is, “well, we like it, and that’s all that matters.” then, (as if suddenly out of nowhwere) a month or two later, they change it, to mirror what all the objectors were suggesting….because….well, teh objectors were right! i happen to think there often can be strength in numbers. if everyone thinks it looks like squat, it may just look like squat.

just please, say it looks like squat nicely 😉

P.S. don’t get me wrong, i’m all for people who march to the beat of their own drummer. i just don’t think you can expect a huge blogging audience if your taste standards are “I like it, and that’s all that matters.” you guys have an awesome balance of marching to your own drum beat, but also participating in dialogue.

I guess we think popularity is a tricky thing. Seems that some think things are good if they’re popular and others think things are bad if they’re popular. I try to avoid making judgments based on popular opinion (one way or the other, as I can swing both ways) and try to see to the substance of what’s there. Not always easy to do–because we *are* social creatures and our thoughts/feelings are so influenced by others.

I guess this is where we come down on the issue: Beat your drum. Listen to the reaction. Decide what matters to you and keep beating in the way that seems best. Which depends, of course, on why you’re beating it in the first place.

Wow, this topic seems to be everywhere. I feel like I genuinely want people’s opinions and suggestions, but don’t see the point in sharing something that’s just mean. And, since I have yet to get that “this project totally sucks” comment, I might not be as open to it as I think I will be. hahaha (Please don’t test me out.) Karah @ thespacebetweenblog recently posted..Bow wow wow…

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