Sites We Like

On last night’s episode of Don’t Be Tardy, it’s a sunny day in HOTlanta while Kim Zolciak and Kroy Biermann are enjoying an afternoon playing with the kids in their driveway. This could be my favorite scene of the episode as I adore seeing the family having a leisurely time WITHOUT technology. Brielle begs Kim to take the Range Rover out for a spin and she is brutally denied and downgraded to the gold Honda because she’s already banged up the expensive cars. I take that back, I actually love and appreciate this segment the most. Good for Kroy and Kim not catering to Brielle’s whining.

Later that day we see Kim and Sweetie chatting about dieting or rather, not dieting as Sweetie enjoys her miniature salad (yeah, where was the dressing? Dry salad is my idea of what meals would be like in Hell.) and she imparts a few words of nutritional wisdom onto Kim. Kim is having none of it – unless the advice is topped with Reese’s Pieces and Skittles. Kim’s idea of lunch consists of cookies and cakes and what the?? Are we 10 years old? I love me a good Sprinkles cupcake once in a while, but not seven of them for dinner.

I have to keep in mind that Kim does love shortcuts (RHOA Flashback: Kim wolfing down Dominos while simultaneously getting her cellulite smoothed out) and she FINALLY declares she needs a chef. Not some chef that is going to be growing organic vegetables and $hit in the backyard. Nope. She wants chef that cooks home-style meals, you know like taking the chicken potpies out of the box and onto a nice platter. That kind of chef.

Her nanny, Lana, walks in carrying 23 year-old manchild KJ (Seriously, I also have a son that is in the 95th percentile for everything, but that is the biggest 2 1/2 year-old I’ve ever seen. Does he have a beard? I could have sworn I saw a beard…) and Kim states she also needs another nanny just for the twins, a housekeeper and perhaps a pool boy. The primary qualification of the new household staff will be that they need to be ugly. I’m talking U-G-L-Y. Like the ugliest people you’ve ever met, oh no offense Lana (btw, Kim ACTUALLY said this verbatim to Lana’s face). Alright – now that they’ve agreed to hire hideous help they are on their way to being the f*%^ing beasts that they’ve been striving to be. I just have no words for how terrible these kids mouths are going to be.

As we flash to a camera shot of 4 cameras monitoring the house – we see that KJ apparently has hurt his leg. I vaguely recall Kim stating the ENTIRE purpose the 59 cameras was to prevent this from happening – so her genius idea looks like it’s working…(Return the cameras like right now.)

Now they are in the doctor’s office preparing KJ for a cast and Lana is sobbing in the corner because she didn’t intend on hurting KJ by roughhousing with him (Was she practicing her stellar karate moves from the beginning of the episode???) and although Kim is upset and rattled by it – she knows Lana loves KJ and hates to see him in pain as well. KJ is utterly adorbs as he agrees to get ice cream while his cast is being put on. Too stinkin’ cute!

Once they return home, KJ is all snuggly in his stroller recovering with Kroy (he is resting his ankle) next to him (another uber cute scene). Kim’s racing up and down the stairs tending to KJ and Kroy, swapping out holding the twins, making ravioli and sauce and holy cow – this does look like a lot of work. In the midst of the hectic dinner prep scene Kim acknowledges that it was an emotional day for everyone, especially for Lana, given KJ hurt his leg and Brielle snaps to everyone “Why, because it’s her fault?”. Um, no she didn’t!!! Brielle – you are annoying me now. I get the whole obnoxious teenager bit – maybe at 14 – but still at 17 (almost 18??). Props to Kim for shutting that mouth of hers down IMMEDIATELY. But it’s too late and Lana is off crying in the bathroom. Brielle realizes that she was rude and goes to apologize to Lana but it comes off insincere and Kim rightfully scolds her that “it’s HOW you say it not what you say”. Lana emerges from the bathroom all puffy-eyed and I’m impressed with how Kim handled it. Brielle – ugh! Manners young lady (Trust me, I’m not lost on the irony of where she is learning these manners – but still)!

Sweetie has a chef stop by the house and prepare a sample of what he’d be cooking for the family and there’s dry ice oozing off a plate with legs of lamb (?) over a nest of couscous and this is terrible. This is not what Kim wants and I don’t blame her. Can’t someone have Barefoot Contessa send a minion over to cook her AMAZING meals? This is my idea of meals in Heaven

Later on, the little peanut twins are getting bathed in the kitchen and all of a sudden a David Beckham-ish pool boy pops up from out of nowhere in the backyard. Kim and Kroy are a bit confused so Kim runs out to introduce herself. He states he’s the new pool guy and god bless her – in true Kim fashion she notices an accent (CLEARLY BRITISH) and asks where he is from. He coyly has her guess and she says “Australia” (Good Guess!) – but no. He gives her another try and it’s crickets. Kim has no f’ing idea where else he could be from and he’s all “England. I’m from England”. This stuff is gold.

Just as Kim walks back into the house – Jam (think Janet Jackson w/braids circa ’93), the new housekeeper, rolls in wearing a denim bra-like top and high-waisted tight-as-hell jeans and HEELS!! To Jam’s credit, she thought it was just going to be an interview, so I’ll excuse the outfit (I guess?). Jam’s toting a broom and sweeping the kitchen floor and although it seems like a set-up, I do believe Jam would be a fun addition to the Biermann Manor staff. Kim calls Sweetie to get the low-down and Sweetie assures her these new hires will reduce the stress in the house and not to worry!

Next week, Kim discusses the need to get her body back up to speed (and by that, I mean surgery) and then she makes a stop at the damn OB/GYN office again. She better not be preggos.