Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

The Power of the Irrelevant Anecdote

Like many of you, I have been watching the presidential and
vice-presidential debates. And while I do not wish to enter into a policy
discussion, I do wish to highlight a long-popular technique of all politicians
regardless of party affiliation: the irrelevant anecdote.

It works something like this: You are asked a direct question
that requires only a succinct, direct answer but decide that your campaign
would be best served by ambiguity disguised as a folksy narrative meant to
ingratiate you with “everyday people”. While the particulars vary, the overall
structure is universal and usually begins with the phrase “just the other
day….” This phrase, meant to slyly assign topical urgency, is followed by the
details of a “chance encounter” with a middle-class citizen whose plight is
meant to be representative of the voting populace’s frustration as a whole.

For extra effect, contact with this disenfranchised tax-payer
should mimic the Messianic tones we have come to expect from New Testament
narratives of miraculous healings by having the person “touch the candidate’s
garment” or “grab their hand” as if their very epidermis radiated justice and
pragmatism. Once contact has been made, the candidate is exposed to some
variation of Princess Leia’s soliloquy from Star
Wars (help me senator, you are my only hope) at which point the weary
campaigner becomes re-inspired in their quest.

By the time the candidate stops talking so much time has
passed that the audience has forgotten the original question and the speaker
has deftly avoided divulging the specifics of a plan that he or she does not
possess. Let me give you an example of a common “town-hall” exchange:

“Senator Trundlepea, how would you reduce our dependence on
foreign oil while still maintaining a balanced approach to sustainable energy
that doesn’t add to the deficit?”

“Well Susan that’s an interesting question. You know, just
the other day I was in Scalawag, Michigan when a coal-miner/single-mother/disabled
veteran grabbed my arm and told me that
they were struggling to afford medical care for their daughter who was injured
while attempting to salute the American flag in a local soup kitchen. They
begged me to revitalize domestic energy policy so that he could earn enough to
get their daughter to a specialist and make sure they did not lose their family
home. I looked this person in the eyes and promised that if I was elected, I
would put the power back into the hands of the people that make this country
great!”

This reply is as inspiring as it is elusive since it cannot
be fact-checked but makes the candidate appear to be more “in-touch” with their
demographic. I have often envied the acceptability of such answers in politics
since enigmatic answers do not seem to be tolerated elsewhere. For instance,
can you imagine a conversation with your physician that transpired in this
manner?

“So doc, was the tumor malignant?”

“You know Edward. Just the other day I was strolling through
a Pottery Barn when a woman with fungal malaria grabbed my arm and begged me to
update the current standard of care for Polish invalids in South Dakota. Even
though it is not my area of expertise I looked her dead in the eyes and
promised then and there that God as my witness I would not rest until each and
every Polish invalid led an existence of dignity. Now I will see you in 2
months for a follow-up and make sure to leave the yellow copy with the nurse up
front.”