My pregnant friend, due with her second child in March, recently posted on her Facebook wall:

“…(T)hinking of finding out the sex of this baby early for (the oldest child). I’m not completely sold on the concept. If you found out early, did you enjoy it?”

With both of my kids, a girl and a boy, I found out as soon as possible. I could not wait. Neither my husband nor I ever discussed whether we’d find out. It was a given, and here’s why:

1). Two of the most giddy, exciting, truly-surprising days of my life were in the ultrasound rooms, with one hand on my bulging belly and the other wrapped tightly around my husband’s. With my son, I still recall vividly my husband’s ecstatic, pure cries, as he pointed to the ultrasound screen, “I see a penis, I see a penis.” I cannot help but smile remembering the wonder in his voice, the amazement, as if he had discovered a new land or species. In the ultrasound room, I savored the moment without distraction, exhaustion or sensory overload. However, if I had waited until the delivery, I’d have to share my moment with chaos, fatigue and a harried medical team focused on cleaning up the baby as well as myself (in my case, sewing me back together after c-sections). The activity would have detracted from my lovely, truly-amazing moment of hearing “It’s a …..”

2). The often-cited argument for not finding out is that a baby’s sex is one of life’s few and true surprises. Agreed. From my perspective, it just depends if you want to be wowed at 20 weeks or 40 weeks. In fact, finding out during pregnancy is like getting two moments of pure joy for the price of one. Think about it: If you find out before giving birth, you get a happy, heart-soaring scenario like the one described above PLUS another one, on delivery day, when you physically meet your child and see who he or she looks and acts like.

3). For me, finding out midway through a pregnancy also served as a reward for enduring months of being sick, hormonally kooky and expanding larger than I ever believed possible. However, I am someone who did not enjoy most of the physical aspects of being pregnant, so finding out was an especially meaningful gift that motivated me to keep going in a healthy, happy manner.

4). Finding out created an immediate, strong bond with my unborn babies. I picked their names, talked with them constantly and felt like I knew them before their births. Some moms recount not feeling connected with their newborns. Although I had my postpartum hormonal highs and lows, as well as doubts about motherhood, I ALWAYS felted bonded to my babies.

5). This will sound harsh, but some moms- and dads-to-be really want either a boy or a girl (for whatever reasons). They may not admit this for fear of judgment. If you or your partner feel so strongly about a baby’s sex, finding out could prepare you so you won’t be disappointed during and after the birthing process. (No, none of this is personal. I was happy with a boy or a girl. As long as the baby was healthy, I was over-the-moon thrilled).

6). Of course, there’s the practical. Finding out allows you to organize and prepare. If you’re having a second or a third, finding out can help you budget. If a boy is your firstborn and your second will be girl, you may need to set aside extra money for sex-specific clothing or bedding (no, this isn’t a necessity, but let’s be honest, most parents will want to do this). Or you can donate all of your daughter’s pink dresses if your second child is a boy. You get the idea.

7) There’s also the shallow: You’ll get better baby gifts if you find out. Family and friends can shop for personalized items. They’ll be more inclined to buy what you need or want (in turn, saving you money). Sure, cute gender-neutral nurseries and clothes exist, but, honestly, it sometimes helps to dress your baby girl in pink or your baby boy in blue, especially if they’re baldies like mine were. The colors can cue strangers to the baby’s sex, therefore avoiding awkward and sometimes annoying comments.

8). If this is a second or third child, finding out can help a sibling bond with the future baby brother or sister. Small kids do well with specifics instead of abstract unknowns.

I could continue. But what it comes down to is my personality. I am a person who likes to know things. Most surprises in my life have been bad ones. Therefore, I like as much information as possible. I am also a planner and an organizer. So for me, finding out suits me best.

Perhaps for your personality, though, finding out would be a damper. In that case, you should wait for the big surprise.

Neither way is right or wrong. And, really, all that ultimately matters is the health of baby and mom.

Did you find out the sex of your baby? What were your reasons for or against? And if you have several kids and have both found and not, which did you prefer?

38 Responses to Eight reasons to find out your baby’s sex

My husband and I agreed we didn’t want to find out – not for any particular reason, we just didn’t. But then we were at the scan at 19 weeks, and the sonographer said ‘do you know what you’re looking for?’ and we both said no. This is because I once said ‘oh, look at it’s little face’ and was told it was actually the baby’s knee we were seeing. And it was the first scan my husband saw, so we figured he wouldn’t be able to tell… but he did! He came away convinced he saw a penis, but I was convinced it was a girl, so I didn’t believe him. But the curiosity ate me up and at my 28 week scan I asked to find out, and was told we were having a boy.

I was glad we did find out in the end; partly because I was so convinced I was having a girl (and wanted a girl) that I’m glad I got over that while I was still pregnant. I’m glad I was able to shop for boys clothes because I didn’t feel like going shopping at all after he was born. And that moment, when the sonographer said ‘it’s a boy’… I felt so joyous and happy, and I felt like I was able to bond with him better as ‘he’ rather than ‘it’. I didn’t feel like it took away anything from the moment of birth – we still got to see him for the first time, but we already had a name prepared and we called him by it…

It’s all about decorating that nursery – have to know what the little one is going to like!

Sarasays:

October 6, 2010 at 6:03 pm

We couldn’t wait to find out, and it’s a good thing we did, as I was pretty convinced it was a boy and probably wouldn’t have put any serious thought into girl names. Turns out she was a girl and we spent quite some time deciding on a name!
I agree with all 8 of your points!

Kristinasays:

October 6, 2010 at 6:03 pm

My husband really wanted to know the gender of our first child, so I went along with it. I was glad I found out, though (that moment was very special when her Daddy said, “Hello, Caroline,” to the image on the sonogram screen). It was nice to refer to the baby as “she” instead of “it” and everything seemed much more real. The second time I was having twins and I really wanted to know the genders in order to narrow down name choices. Having to agree on three different pairs of potential names was proving impossible. However I strongly feel that if you find out the gender, you should keep quiet about the name of the baby, so extended family and friends will have something that is a surprise when your child arrives.
It’s kind of anticlimatic when your friend’s “little Brendan” arrives, after hearing about him by name for almost 20 weeks.

Jessica Keatingsays:

October 6, 2010 at 6:33 pm

We found out with our first daughter and with the one we are expecting in December. I am in agreement with your point – it is just as much a surprise at the midway point, and gives me a chance to get used to the idea, settle on a name, etc. This time around we wanted to find out also because my husband’s younger sister was expecting her first baby and was NOT going to find out. We figured it would keep our news to the sidelines as it was our second if we told everyone baby gender and name well ahead of the birth of their baby. She just had a little boy last night. I am so excited for her and can’t wait to see my nephew, and I am really glad that our news is old news at this point so everyone can focus on her special first time.

stepheniesays:

October 6, 2010 at 6:53 pm

We decided not to find out the sex of our baby and it was so much fun my mom and best friend were both livid. Begging us to find out the sex. But we wouldent budge. Also it was truly wonderful when the doctor said “and our suprise baby is…a girl.” I couldent have been more thrilled!

Karen Dsays:

October 6, 2010 at 8:03 pm

We have 3 kids. We did not find out with the first two. I think my husband and I just wanted to go the traditional route (which isn’t so traditional now, but this was 12 years ago!) So we ended up with a boy first, then a girl. When #3 came along I told my husband we had to find out. Our house lacks storage, and if I knew the sex of the baby, I could get rid of one entire set of clothes. Turns out she was a girl. I will admit that it was helpful to know, too, because I did have my heart set on another boy. Knowing who she was, I easily adjusted to the change over the next few months.

Sherri J.says:

October 6, 2010 at 8:42 pm

With my first born we didn’t find out the sex of the baby. We wanted it to be a surprise. I thought for sure it would be a boy, but low and behold she was a girl and a very beautiful one at that. I had no problem with her being a girl. She was perfect. With our second one we found out cause we wanted to make sure that his big sis would be okay with what he was going to be, which of course was a boy. And he is perfect too.

SparkingBatsays:

October 6, 2010 at 8:44 pm

Our first was a suprise, but we found out with the other 2 – all girls In BC (where I’m from) we have to go to a private clinic to find out the sex of the baby (some law about liability or something dumb) and I didn’t know we had one 4 hours away when I was pregnant with my first. Plus, my shower was scheduled for AFTER the baby was born so that I wouldn’t be drowning in yellow and green. I was so convinced my first was a boy that I all but painted the nursery blue – good thing I didn’t though! With our second, we went to the clinic and paid $100 to find out we were having a second baby girl. Same with our third.

I love knowing. I can refer to the baby as ‘she’, tell my girls about their little sister, name her, and not have to buy a stitch of clothing! hahaha Plus, I’m one that nearly always ruins a suprise because I figure them out. And it’s just one less unknown in this wild and crazy thing called parenthood

Nataliesays:

October 6, 2010 at 8:53 pm

I found out my daughter was a girl at 20 weeks. I really wanted to know partially because it really bothered me that the ultrasound technician (a stranger) would know the sex of my own baby but I wouldn’t. After years of infertility, I wanted to know as much as possible about the amazing life growing inside of me (I was convinced she was a boy!). When I found out she was a girl, I was so at peace, and excited at the same time. She became so real to me. I couldn’t imagine not knowing. I have plenty of friends who went the “not knowing” route, but I could never do that myself.

momof3says:

October 6, 2010 at 9:00 pm

Our first was a surprize and we were both happy to not know (it was a girl). With my second we found out but didn’t tell anyone we knew what it was (it was a boy). When I got pregnant with my third we did not find out. During my 2nd pregnancy is was nice to know but after delivery was a real let down for both of us. We really missed It’s a … We both loved the surprize of not knowing.

We found out! We were set on it too, my husband and mother in law came in to find out and my husband and I both cried! It was a very touching moment that ill cherish forever! Its easier finding out in my oppinon. I couldn’t wait, the suspence would eat at me!! But this time around I’m jinxed, both times we went to find out something kept us from the visit, even my gps got the address wrong by 45 minutes. Ugh! But soon enough will know

Jasminesays:

October 6, 2010 at 10:35 pm

We found out with my dd and the girl I’m pregnant with now. We just couldn’t wait that long and with this one we wanted to wait to tell anyone until she’s born, but neither of us can keep a secret. Haha!
Also I agree with all of your reasons.

We have four children, three boys and a baby girl. We didn’t find out ahead of time for the first two but with the last two my biggest arguement for finding out ahead of time was #5. I wanted a girl very badly after the first two were born and I was afraid I’d be disappointed if I had another boy. When we found out about Boy #3, I was disappointed, but the disappointment quickly faded. We had his name all picked out and I was able to bond with him now that I knew who he was. With our baby girl, it was half reason #5 and half that I knew if I bought all neutral items for the baby and then came out of the hospital with a girl I’d want to shop for pink all over again since I’d never been able to buy girly things before!

Danny's Mommasays:

October 7, 2010 at 3:57 am

I agree 100% with your entire post!

I needed to know right away. The suspense was killing me. I also wanted to pick out a name early and call him by it, and decorate his room accordingly. And I’m glad we did find out the sex early because it took us almost my entire pregnancy to agree on a boy’s name. (We had already decided on the perfect girl’s name before I even found out I was pregnant. We could NOT agree on a boys name for the lives of us).

Michellesays:

October 7, 2010 at 5:22 am

Very early on, I didn’t want to know. But the Grandmas did, so much that my mother-in-law suggested that I have the Dr tell her and not me. We decided that if they wanted it that bad, we would do it. It was kinda fun knowing, and it gave me a little leverage. I decided to keep the name a secret. Partly to pay back for finding out the gender, and partly so I wouldn’t have to hear ‘Don’t name her that.’ That was fun.

Cerylesays:

October 7, 2010 at 5:29 am

With my first, we were at risk of a downs syndrome baby, so had an amniocentesis done – we found out that it was a healthy baby boy at 16 weeks. (yes, we were asked if we wanted to know the gender, both at the amnio – so they could tick the box, and with the “it’s healthy” call).

With my second, I got swine flu at 14 weeks – a couple of days after the ‘everything looks healthy – no risk of downs syndrome this time’ scan. So we didn’t announce the pregnancy to the world at large until after the 20 week scan. When we found out he was healthy, we wanted to know that he was a he, too – although we couldn’t help but know – he kept flashing us. So we announced ‘pregnant, healthy, boy’ all at once – more people knew about swine flu, cos of quarantine than about the pregnancy.

Clarasays:

October 7, 2010 at 5:31 am

Hmmn…this blog and these comments are very convincing. However I know of two cases where the sex told was not the sex at birth. I guess that’s why some areas have liability prevention. Anyhow, I guess DH and I will cross that bridge when we get there.

Sarah Csays:

October 7, 2010 at 6:19 am

We found out with our first that she was a girl. My hustband was one of the ones who was really wanting a boy, so finding out at 20 weeks worked better so he could prepare to be a father to a girl and he loves her more then anything in the world. With our second one we will find out but I have decided not to tell anyone the name we chose. With our daughter I had so many people tell me all the names in the world they liked and middle names to go with them. My mother in law even tried to come up with names that were a combination of my husband’s and my name together. Then when we told people the name we chose we heard a lot of dont name your baby that or you should switch the middle and first name and I even had one person tell me that they didnt like the name at all and they were going to call my daughter something else completely. Yeah that didnt work out for them, dont argue with a pregnant hormonal woman!

Heathersays:

October 7, 2010 at 6:44 am

I agree completely with your list. We found out both times. Another reason is because my husband really wanted to know, and since most of the other decisions were mine by default because it was my body, that one was definitely his. Also, I knew darn well what I was having, both times, but had trouble convincing others without proof! Reasonable, I suppose, but I knew. Before the ultrasound with my second I had a dream that they told me we were having a girl and I actually argued with them because I knew that he was a boy. They didn’t tell me it was a girl though, they got it right! With my daughter we found out and shared the name and everything as soon as we decided, but it made the phone call kind of anti-climactic because everyone already knew the details. Add to that the fact that I had to be induced and there was really no surprise at all. Meeting my daughter was still a very special experience for me, but I think it took something away from grandparents and everything. The second time, when my son was born, we found out we were having a boy, but kept the name to ourselves until after he was born. Partially so there would still be a surprise and partially because if you wait until after the baby has the name to share, then people keep their opinions on it to themselves!

Lakensays:

October 7, 2010 at 6:57 am

I only have one child his name is Taydon he is 16 months now. Me and my boyfriend (yes boyfriend not hubby we only 15 and were 13 when i was preggo) Defently wanted to know if we were having a boy or a girl since I was so sure I was pregnant with a lil boy and started calling him my lil tatortot in the oven lol (thats how he got his name). Luis (my boyfriend) wasnt there with me when I found out but my mom was and i know this sounds weird but when I saw my lil boys penis it was the happiest day of my life as I always wanted a boy first, cause there were no boys in my family unless they were married in we were all girls. Although I didnt want a boy as young as I did but he is my lil supprise from go. LOVE YOU MY LIL TAYDONTOT

Wendysays:

October 7, 2010 at 7:06 am

I really agree with the moms you reference who didn’t feel connected to their babies. With my first I wanted a girl and so I convinced myself it was a boy so I wouldn’t be disappointed. But it didn’t feel right – and it wasn’t! It was a girl, and through the whole pregnancy I had this weird feeling of disconnectedness. Had I known she was a girl I could have bonded to her so much sooner and enjoyed the whole experience much more.

With my twins we both wanted to know, we just couldn’t take any more surprises. Three sets of names is really hard and we never did agree on a boy’s name the first time so we weren’t likely to figure out two. I just needed as much certainty as I could get. And it was great. I had a much stronger feeling that I knew my two little girls before they were born, and it was easier for my daughter, at not yet two, to talk about her baby sisters rather than try to explain that the babies might be one of three combinations.

She calls me Mommiesays:

October 7, 2010 at 7:16 am

Would NEVER be able to wait…I am way to impatient!! I wanted to know asap. Dont know how people wait??? It would have drove me crazy not knowing. Plus, the thought of buying all things in yellow makes me cringe.

I never found out what I was having, even with my third and fourth, who are fraternal twins. Mostly, I wanted to be surprised when I delivered. But honestly, the gender never really mattered too much to me. I just wanted everyone to be healthy and thankfully, all 4 of them were.

Bryttanisays:

October 7, 2010 at 8:12 am

I found out for no reason other than it would pain me to not know. I’m a planner and an organizer. I actually just found out 2 days ago that I’m having a boy! I needed to know because he will be sharing a room with my 18 month old girl. I wanted to know if I had all the clothes I need or if I needed to buy more (and I won’t lie I’m excited that I have a reason to buy more baby clothes). Also my 8 year old stepson was dying for a baby brother. He said he didn’t want 2 little sisters and I’m pretty sure he would’ve cried if it had been a girl and I would rather give him time to prepare than spring it on him the day we have the baby!

We didn’t find out for either of our kids. For our second, it was a c-section and we had a student Dr assisting with the delivery (his first). He was so excited to be the one to say “It’s a…”, it was great. The nurses told us that for both the nights we were in the hospital, the student Dr came to visit our son and asked to hold him. He was proud to tell them “This was the first baby I ever delivered!”

Katiesays:

October 7, 2010 at 8:43 am

Picking out a name was one of the hardest things I had to do to prepare for my baby. It was so bad that I went to the hospital with a list of 12 potential names to see if one stuck out and “fit” after she was born. I can’t imagine doing this twice.

Kendallsays:

October 7, 2010 at 6:24 pm

We didn’t find out with our first, did with our second, and (since we’re expecting again) have decided not to find out with our third. For one, it really doesn’t matter since we already have a boy and a girl. Honestly, though, my husband and I both felt it was more exciting to not find out until the birth of the baby. I felt incredibly bonded with my son in utero. I may not have known he was a boy, but I still knew my baby. Oh, I find that you get better gifts if you DON’T find out. People are forced to buy off of your registry since they can’t buy you gender-specific baby clothes.

We wait for the delivery. There are so many frightening things surrounding a c-section, and I really appreciate getting an answer to an ongoing mystery.

The doctor holds up the baby so my husband can see and he introduces me to our child by one of the two names we’ve picked.

With the gifts, it’s sort of funny. Everyone gets excited again when they learn the gender and with each child there has been a second wave of presents. I suspect with our third this might not happen as we already have a child of each gender, but we also have plenty of stuff this time around.

Amandasays:

October 7, 2010 at 7:45 pm

For our first and second child now ages 9 and 6 we found out their gender. A girl and than a boy. For our third child, a boy, who is only 18 months we decided to leave it a surprise! If we ever had a forth I would leave the gender a surprise again without question. It was amazing! Don’t get me wrong, I loved knowing with the first two, we picked out their names, bought the pink or blue clothing, decorated their rooms and so on, it was wonderful, but it was SO very different not knowing the third time if it would be another son or another daughter. I too ended up with a C-Section, our other son was an emergency C-Section and our daughter our oldest was a natural child birth. I found not knowing kept my mind of the surgery, I was so anxious and excited to hear the doctor say “It’s a…….I wasn’t really paying attention to what they were doing after wards and during my recovery, I was just so consumed with our little boy..looking at him, holding him, breastfeeding him and was like wow now we have to decide on his name…they are so few surprised in life, this by far was one of the greatest. My husband also enjoyed the surprise! He was shocked when he came out a boy as he was betting on another girl! I had a “feeling” it was a boy….but neither if us knew.

Lakensays:

October 8, 2010 at 6:30 am

I also had a c-section with my son i was too young to deliver and my hips wouldnt seperate or something like that, but im hoping after i go to collage and have another baby that I will get to have a water birth. Taydon will be such a good big brother

Living Down Undersays:

October 10, 2010 at 2:40 am

I like not knowing. One other reason though, for finding out, is sometimes you meet people on the street and you’re never going to see them again and they’re so interested in sharing the excitement it’d be nice to be able to tell them. But though my partner cheated and found out what our first one was (we then kept it as a surprise for everyone else), after that we’ve left it as an unknown. This time, it might have been more convenient to have found out (I have two girls) but I wasn’t quite ready to part with all the little girl clothes so it’s a surprise. Though I have to say, I have a boy’s name picked out (never got to use it) but am completely stumped for a girl’s name!

AppleCobblersays:

October 13, 2010 at 12:48 pm

“I’m a planner and an organizer” – I keep hearing this as a reason from people who ‘have’ to find out the gender during pregnancy. It really bugs me when people say that! My husband and I are not finding out the gender until delivery. Does this mean that I am not planning for this baby and that I am unorganized? Far from it, I promise!

AmyCsays:

October 17, 2010 at 9:52 pm

With babies #1 and #2 (they’re 13 months apart)…we couldn’t help but find out what they were because they kept flashing us!! Both boys decided to roll over and show us and the U/S tech everything they had! LOL With baby #3, this one played stubborn til the U/S tech was almost ready to give up. Then with a swing of a leg and a roll, my husband said “Oh sweetheart…you finally got your girl!” It was funny because the U/S tech said “How did you know that?” and I said “We have two boys already…we already know what THOSE parts look like on an ultrasound..and those parts aren’t there this time!” LOL I’m glad we found out because it took us until I was 7 months along with #1, 8 1/2 months along with #2, and 8 months along with #3 to figure out names for them we both liked. Plus with Katelynn (#3), Zachariah (#1) and Alexander (#2)could actually refer to her by name and they LOVED talking to my belly, watching and feeling her kick, and resting their heads on my belly while I read to all three of them. So glad I found out…and I wouldn’t change a thing!

hot2trotmasays:

May 13, 2011 at 6:43 pm

I do not want to know and of course my hubby does. I keep telling everyone and they are soooo upset with me. My hubby and I have a 5 year old son but I would like it to be something special for us as a family to announce to the world we had a boy or girl. I am not good with surpises or secrets, but I am going to try. Lets see if I can get him to agree!!!

Maegansays:

July 18, 2012 at 10:20 am

Hmm…Sorry, I think some of your ideas are way off! We waited for both, and it wasn’t that hard to be excited in the delivery room! I had 2 sections & the second was with a doctor I had only just met…he did not realize I didn’t know the baby’s sex…finally a nurse yelled, “DOCTOR! She didn’t know what she was having!” B/c I was having a hard time talking through the drugs & mask. The doctor goes, “OH! Well…It’s a BIG. BEAUTIFUL. GIRL!” And while things were a little hectic…I think suddenly knowing I had a new daughter took my mind off all the scary stuff going on behind the curtain. And as for gifts? Baby #1 – gender neutral baby shower b/c I didn’t know what I was having. I got everything from my registry & just a few little yellow, ducky outfits. When she was born & my mother started making the calls out to family…People showed up to the hospital (and my mother’s house) en masse to give me bags & bags & bags of frilly, pink outfits. About 80% of them we never used – but did return for store credit for things we needed. No shower for baby number two…but people asked, “What do you NEED for this baby?” All we needed was diapers & crib sheets (somehow between births we lost ALL of them). People loaded us up on the things we needed before the birth…and again my mother gave that call that “It’s another girl!” and once again the pilgrimage of pink was renewed. It was like having a baby shower without a baby shower. Several of my friends had first babies when I was having my second…They all knew what they were having. They all noted it on the baby registry/shower invites. They all got JACK from the registry…but got lots of VERY cute, very useless baby clothes. One friend said that at the least, she wish she hadn’t told people the baby’s sex *before* the shower. She didn’t get one useful thing. At first she just thought people were ‘cheap’ & bought onesies & socks b/c they were inexpensive, but several relatives gave so much at one time – it equaled the cost of the carseat & highchair from the registry. Luckily, she was able to return a lot of it & get the things they needed for the baby instead. People like to buy baby clothes…But they have a hard time picking the yellow duck…or the green frog. I’m still firmly in the “wait till it’s born” camp.

Katesays:

January 31, 2014 at 11:56 am

While I believe everyone has their own preference and don’t judge either way, I absolutely HATE when people told me I was crazy because I couldn’t plan (um, most babies NEED all the same stuff that you would typically find on a baby registry) or decorate a nursery without knowing the baby’s gender! Says who??? We decorated with vintage colors and plenty of them. Sure, after our sweet baby girl arrived there ended up being a little more pink in there than when we started, but she will soon be sharing her darling room with baby number two…gender unknown.

And in agreement with a few of the others who have commented, at our shower we received pretty much everything we registered for along with a few gender neutral outfits. Then once baby girl arrived we were bombarded with another round of gifts – pink, frilly outfits.

In my personal opinion, the only downfall was the second round of thank you cards.

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