The pReview Re-viewingWednesday Breakdown for..May 11, 2012!

(warning: Contains profanity.. Also, ten fucking movies!)clicking movie posters will open their Official Sites in a separate window.

by Jeff Finckwritten: 5/9/2012Okay, if you're sitting around smelling your dog's farts, cut that out. Let me ask you a question. Does anyone else have problems with demonic goldfish heating up your testicles to two or three hundred degrees when you're trying to apply lip gloss? I have this goldfish, you see, and this motherfucker seems to just KNOW every single time I try to put on lip gloss. My nuts start cooking, and the next thing I know, I'm spitting my hair out of my mouth.. Except I can't, because I put on too much lip gloss due to all the hot nuts I have, and it keeps sticking to my lips.. Because of the gloss. Speaking of which, "What movie have you seen the most in your life?" is a fantastic first date question. Unless you're dating a demonic goldfish.. They hate movies.

The Black Moor Goldfish hates your testicles. And HEATS them!

So a metric fuck-ton of movies come out this week. (And probably every week from here until August.) But of the 2 money makers, 2 indies, and 6(!) foreign flicks dropping this week, only about ALL of them are probably worth watching. So scrounge up that loose change, and head to the theater early on Friday to catch them all.. All 20 hours of it. Actually, if you have 100 bucks worth of loose change and 20 hours to kill, you should probably just go see The Avengers about 8 times in a row.. Not that Marvel Studios needs your money after the weekend they had..

Almost took 'em, Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.. Almost.

The Dictator

I know it's fake.. But dammit I want a beard that glorious!

Admiral General Haffaz Aladeen has been popping up, dressed in full Wadiyan Admiral, General-y garb, in some pretty random spots lately in order to promote his new movie. On Saturday Night Live, he showed up to let the world know that Martin Scorsese, entirely of his own accord, totally digs The Dictator. Also, Aladeen lets us know that he now owns Roger Ebert's thumbs. (In all honestly, that's probably a better place for them.) ((And before you go crazy: No, I do not wish Roger Ebert had his thumbs removed.. I may disagree with some of the things he says, but I don't think he needs to have his ability to grab things easily, hindered.)) He showed up at the 84th Academy Awards with the "ashes of Kim Jong-il" and "accidentally" dumped them on Ryan Seacrest. But, his most hilarious appearance was on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, where he just kept talking about his penis. And Jon Stewart's penis. And then made Jon Stewart show him his penis. You really just hafta watch it. The premise is that Sacha Baron Cohen is Admiral General Haffaz Aladeen. I say "is" because Sacha Baron Cohen never really "plays" the characters he creates. Aladeen comes to the U.S. under the guise of being invited by the United Nations to address and answer for his crimes against humanity. The C.I.A. then abducts him from his room and severs not only his manhood, but all ties with his homeland! (His beard) Distraught and appearing as an average, every day Joe, Aladeen must find a way to get back to fucking with America, banging Megan Fox, and oppressing his people.

Either separately.. Or all three at the same time.

Dark Shadows

Every family has its demons, and pretty soon, every obscure TV show will have a movie!

Now, I have to be up front: I have never seen even one episode of the original show. It sounds like it was a cross between the Munsters and Dynasty. Which sounds horrible, yet was generally well liked. And, if you ask anyone excited for this movie, "Extremely fucking awesome, OMG!" After doing a bit of research, I found out that Johnny Depp was apparently obsessed with the show, and since he's friends with Tim Burton.. Shit gets done. We have a movie now that is based on a character introduced a full year into the original television show. A whole movie based around a single recurring character, taken from a show that spanned years? That just reeks of success. (We're looking at you, Saturday Night Live movies.) The preview shows the story of Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp), a playboy-turned-vampire, who wakes up in the early 70s to find that his old estate is teeming with his descendants and their wacky secrets and personalities. Oh, and the witch that cursed him with vampirism, Angelique (Eva Green). She, apparently, regretted afflicting Barnabas with the gift that keeps ungiving, and so she attempts to win him back.. Or destroy his whole family.. Not much grey area with Angie. The preview borders on very entertaining and "losing the entire intended audience because everyone this is aimed at is either too young to remember the show, or too much of a trendy fuck to admit they've never heard of it." So yeah, somewhere in between there. Oh, and the trailer also has a lot of this weird face that Eva Green likes to make:

Dammit, Eva Green, don't you have better faces you should be making?

God Bless America

Where ths fuck did the Statue of Liberty get a 30 foot gold plated pistol?!

Every now and then, in the world, there comes a fleeting moment.. Sometimes not so fleeting.. But there comes a moment when you are just fed up with the stupidity permeating every little thing around you. You grow so weary of it, that something inside you gets its little neck snapped and dies. Usually, you just swallow it down and deal with the fact that 3D just won't go away. Or that Michael Bay is just Uwe Boll with a budget. Or, do you remember those potato chips that weren't really potato chips? They were called Pizzarias. They were fantastic.. And they will never, ever, be a thing ever again. Damn shame.. In any case, something inside Bobcat Goldthwait broke and he made a movie about a couple of nut jobs taking America back for common decency, ironically, by murdering people. Click this adorable picture to read my full review of the trailer:

I just can't get mad at these guys. Actually, that horse sweater is fucking boss.

Hick

Putting a Culkin in this doesn't make it less creepy, by the way.

Have you ever wondered what Hugo, Freeway, Lolita, Grifters, and Thelma and Louise would be like if you mashed them all up? Me neither! That would be one fucked up movie. Well, writer Andrea Portes said, "Fuck that noise!" (paraphrased) and wrote that shit anyway! And then Derick Martini got Blake Lively and Chloë Grace Moretz to star in it. Chloë Grace Moretz plays Luli. Luli comes from a sketchy background and goes on the road to escape her alcoholic family life.. After running into a couple of ne'er do wells along her journey, hilarity ensues! Dark, horrible, disturbing, fucked up, terrible hilarity. Luckily, Skrillex is there to save the day.. I assume.

CALL 9-1-1 NOW!!!

And finally, there are six.. SIX foreign movies dropping this weekend.. Here's a quick word about each of them!

(Australia)

The Cup:Australian horseracing in 2002.. Sounds a bit two thousand and late..

(Japan)

I Wish (Kiseki):A hopeful boy, the victim of a divorce that separates him and his brother, decides that something cool is going to happen when two bullet trains pass each other. That's funny, he doesn't understand physics.

(UK)

Tonight You're Mine:Two rock star strangers are handcuffed to each other at a music fest. It's like that time when Damon Wayans and Adam Sandler were handcuffed together and forced to do that movie Bulltproof. Remember that? This has more music. And less bullets.

(India)

Dangerous Ishhq:This is basically India's answer to Taken and The Fountain. Except they jammed them together in what will (probably) be a 3D musical delight!

(Philippines)

The Road:The poster for this is horrifying. The plot to this is an anthology blend of mystery and horror that digs into a twelve year old cold case about missing teenagers. As Max Payne falls into the madness of the Philippines, Mark Wahlberg Silent Hill Asian horror scary horror!

(Lebanon)

Where Do We Go Now?:Muslims and Christians can live together in harmony. And in a small town, this is a reality. However, conflicts begin to break out and the women of the town take action: Like hiring exotic dancers as a distraction, or drugging the men, or fighting the exotic dancers while doing drugs.. With the men!

back by popular demand: Final Breakdown: (Art-ified! 100 greatest paintings of all time!)

The Dictator

There seems to be a lot of butt play and frontal nudity in Bosch's tryptych, The Garden of Earthly Delights.. The same can be said of Sacha Baron Cohen movies. A perfect fit! (No pun intended) Can't wait!

Dark Shadows

A movie based on an old show about the supernatural.. Why not a painting-- THE painting of the world's first "zombie"? Da Vinci's The Last Supper is both haunting AND old. And what a show! I am.. Not sure..

God Bless America

Is Grant Wood's American Gothic too obvious? Too fucking bad. This movie looks fantastic.. Just as long as everyone takes it with a grain of salt and doesn't go ape shit over a middle aged man and a teenager going on a tongue in cheek murder romp across the States. On second thought, that is pretty fucking weird.. Oh well. It's still not as fucked up as Hick.

Hick

Ruben's Massacre of the Innocents is a lovely portrayal of a perfectly nice day getting its shit ruined. Hick looks like a perfectly nice movie that will fuck up your day.

The Cup

When I think animal movies, I think Chagall. Take I and the Village, for example. Man, that guy loves animals! And, I assume, Australia! But mostly animals.. But especially Australia.

Dangerous Ishhq 3D

Dali's The Persistence of Memory is a topsy turvy take on.. Whatever the fuck Dali wanted it to be a take on. Just like Indian cinema. Plus, past lives and love tend to warp time, just like this painting. And tend to warp penises! ..just like this painting..

I Wish

Van Gogh's Starry Night is a whimsical take on a man's ethereal, but skewed view of the world. Where as, I Wish is all about a whimsical, small child who can't grasp the concept of modern technology or its limitations. Silly child.

The Road

Scroll to the end of this post to see a close-up of that fucked up mirror!

Van Eyck's Giovanni Arnolfini and his Wife is a creepy fucking painting.. Look at the mirror in the background.. It's telling me to do things!!!

Tonight You're Mine

I assume that Rousseau's Carnival Evening is what happens when a music fest ends, and two people are left handcuffed to each other, wandering around in the woods, being stalked by UFOs that look like clouds. Damn entertaining.

Where Do We Go Now?

Botticelli's Birth of Venus. What says women empowerment more, I ask you? Also, it has nudity in it. And nudity is distracting.

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