Date: Wed, 7 Aug 2002 22:14:23 -0700 (PDT)
From: Randal Jenner
Subject: Killer and Ike chapter 1
Killer and Ike
By Randal Jenner
rjthejackal@yahoo.com
Chapter 1: 24 hrs in paradise
Keller looked at the card he'd drawn in disgust and dropped his
hand on the table. He sighed and looked across at his best friend Ike and
shook his head. "Yours, man."
"Aooooowww! I like it like that!" Ike, a tall muscular dark
haired and blue-eyed boy of seventeen reached out and pulled all of the
Oreos in the center of the table towards himself. "Come to papa, darlings,
come to papa!" He flashed a mischievous grin at Keller. "Dude, you never
draw on seventeen or higher."
"Fuck you, Ike." Keller Martin, a slender but defined boy of
seventeen with blond hair and green-gray eyes flipped the other off and
took one of his cigarettes. "I had you, bitch. I had you."
"Baby, I played you like a violin." Ike leaned back with his hands
behind his head. He looked around his father's cabin and noticed it was
now decidedly empty compared to the twenty or so people that had been there
for the party. "Damn, man, where'd everybody go?"
Cindy, Ike's girlfriend of over a year, sat next to him at the
table with her elbow's on the table and her blonde hair hanging over her
shoulders. "They left over an hour ago, Ike. Where the hell have you
been?"
"It's only one. Why did everybody bug out?" Keller stood up and
went to the fridge for a beer and brought everyone a fresh one.
"I told them we were going to play strip poker." Niki, Keller's
dark haired girlfriend responded. She took a bottle of beer from him and
leaned back in the chair next to his. "Knowing your reputations as card
sharks, they busted the door down getting out." She finished dryly.
"That's right." Ike, whose real name was Isaac Vaughn Rawlson,
smirked. His eyes lit up as he remembered something and he grabbed his
jacket behind him. "I fucking forgot. The party hasn't even started yet."
He tore furiously through his pockets.
"Damn, there he goes again." Keller said and took a pull from his
bottle. "I hate when his mind takes off without him."
"Naw, man, check it out!" Ike came up with two joints and held
them out. "The finest I could score for my best friends."
Keller tried to act excited as one of them was lit and started
around, but the truth was he hated pot. It dissolved his carefully
maintained mental barriers and he didn't like being exposed like that. Ike
picked up on his hesitation.
"Come on, Killer!" He chided, using the nickname that he alone was
allowed to use. "I promise there's nobody here to see you let your hair
down, okay?" Ike leaned over the table and held his hands out imploringly.
"You deserve a break today."
Against his better judgment and desires, Keller took a hit and held
it, trying not to cough and sneeze at the same time. He passed it to Niki
who took it like a pro, causing him once again to question her
desirability.
Several minutes later, despite himself, he was well and truly
glazed over and feeling no pain. Everything that was said was funny, and
the inside of his mouth was like play dough. When the second joint came
around he didn't even hesitate, and by the time it was gone he felt like he
was in slow motion.
Cindy had been shuffling the cards, giggling when she let them
slide away from her, and looking across the table at Niki in a way that
made Keller raise his eyebrows. "So, what do you think, guys? Seven card
stud, deuces and Jokers wild, and each hand lost is an article of
clothing?"
Keller snickered and looked across at Ike, motioning his head
towards Niki who was moving very strangely and kept licking her lips. Ike
grinned and shrugged. "Dude, maybe we ought to switch partners." He said,
trying to be funny. "They're like way into each other."
"Fine with me, Kel." Niki looked at him and winked. He blinked at
her, knowing he'd missed something, but he had no idea what.
In the first few hands they had the girls down to their underwear. Ike had
lost his shirt and socks, and Keller had lost his shirt. Keller looked
back and forth between the ladies and smiled, seeing that Cindy was
slightly annoyed. He had a flush, and he was about to make her even more
irritable.
"Killer, I have a real cool idea." Ike said, carefully turning his hand
over and laying it on the table. "I think we should make the bets more
interesting. What do you think?"
Keller looked over at Niki and got a very sultry look from her. He laughed
somewhat stupidly and looked back at Ike. "Dude, it's your house, you make
the rules."
"What do you think, sweetie?" Ike asked Cindy and gave her a shit-eating
grin.
"I think baby, that I would take any bet you can think up." She reached
out stroked under his chin with one finger. "That is if you and Killer
here are man enough to do the same." She leaned over and licked his lips.
"Anything we have to do if we lose, you have to do if you lose."
"I think that's do-able." He looked over at Keller. "You and Niki in?"
"I know I am." Niki said quietly, looking at Cindy.
"Uh, sure, I guess." Keller looked and Niki strangely. He was getting
some really weird vibes from her. He looked back at Ike and scratched the
side of his head. "None of that weird shit like getting a golf ball up the
ass or anything, though."
"Minimal weird shit." Ike said and nodded his head. "So, do we want to
re-bet this hand?"
"I think that you can set the bet at whatever you want, baby." Cindy
slowly waved her cards under his nose. "Just be a good loser, okay?"
Ike smiled in a way that would have given Keller chills if he hadn't been
drunk and utterly wasted. "Okay, ladies, since you're so happy with your
hands we'll try this. If me or Killer wins the hand you to have to french
each other, and I mean the real thing, including tongues, not a peck on the
lips, okay?"
The heavy brick that was Keller's brain mulled that over and clunked as he
realized what Ike had just bet. He blinked several times, staring at his
best friend of many years and suddenly felt very sick. "Ike, shouldn't
we..."
"Fine." Niki cut him off and smiled sweetly at him. "Pucker up, baby."
Keller's flush won, and he was shocked as Cindy stood up after tossing her
three eights down and went around to Niki. When Niki stood up they kissed,
and it was very clear that it was not a peck on the lips. He looked over
at Ike with his mouth hanging open. Ike looked at him and chuckled with a
shrug.
In the next hand Ike had them naked, and when the kissed their hands roamed
into unbelievable territory. Keller looked down at the painful lump in his
shorts. He was so hard it was threatening to tear his pants. The bad part
of that was that it was Ike that was turning him on, not Niki or Cindy.
"I think you two ought to get naked now." Cindy said breathlessly. "It's
not like we don't know what the bets are going to be."
Keller had a flash of inspiration, or at least that's what it felt like,
and jumped up from his chair. "I can do that!" He said and grabbed the
cuffs of his nylon basketball shorts. Without much effort, or at least it
didn't seem very hard, he tore them up and off, having to stop and yank on
the elastic waist band after the rest came free. Now naked, he tossed the
remnants of his clothes up onto the antlers of the moose that hung over the
fireplace.
"Alright Keller!" Ike jumped up and unzipped his denim shorts and shoved
them and his briefs down in one motion. "That is why I call him The
Killer!" He pointed at Keller's engorged 8" hard on. Keller blushed and
grinned, enjoying the praise.
"So, how about a dare instead of another card game?" Cindy asked
innocently, sliding up next to Ike after he pulled off his socks. "Think
you're brave enough to take me on in a dare?"
"Anytime, baby. The duo can't be stopped." He kept his eyes on hers but
held his hand out for Keller to slap. "Name it, mortal."
"I have one." Niki met Keller's eyes and leaned up to kiss him lightly.
"I dare you and Ike to French like we did. I really want to see that."
She ran her finger down his chest to the base of his manhood. "I dare
you."
Keller went cold inside but felt a surge of excitement, too. It might have
been the beer (a lot of beer) and it might have been the dope (way to much
weed), but his inhibitions were rapidly disappearing. He didn't really
listen as Ike said something sarcastic. When he started moving around the
table, though, Keller felt his pulse quicken. He grinned.
"Don't be afraid, Keller...Uuhn!" Ike grunted in surprise as Keller
wrapped his arms around him and then kissed him hard, forcing his tongue
into Ike's mouth. Almost instantly Ike responded and slid his arms around
Keller's sides and stroked his back. It was like time froze and there was
just the two of them. The were oblivious to the outside world and only
separated enough to let their now rock hard members snap up between them
and then ground together again.
"Jesus!" Ike gasped, forcing himself back a few inches but not letting go.
He searched Keller's eyes and grinned like a Cheshire cat. "Goddamn, Kil,
you been holding out on me, man." He stepped back and lowered himself
shakily into a chair.
Keller blushed furiously and sat down, trying to hide his hard on. "You
were pretty good too." He looked up at the girls, embarrassed but
unrepentant. They were both standing side by side with their jaws hanging
open. "Your move, ladies."
"Well shit." Cindy said after several seconds. "I'm so damned hot now I
don't know what to say." There was a strange look in her eyes as she met
Ike's eyes.
Ike waited until Keller looked at him and then raised his eyebrows, never
loosing eye contact. For someone like Keller, who had known Ike since he
was three, the meaning was obvious. He wanted to know if Keller was
interested in seeing if their experience might go any farther. Keller
blushed again and laughed. He nodded and put his hand over his eyes. It
was like reality had gone totally ape shit. The funny thing was that not
only was he considering having sex with his best friend, he was looking
forward to it! God he hated pot, and beer was second in line.
Ike flashed his perfect white teeth. Without moving his eyes from Keller's
he reached up and caught a hold of one of Cindy's index fingers. "Big
finale, baby. I dare you to go into the back bedroom and have sex with
Niki." Keller smiled again, and Ike dragged his eyes away and looked up at
his girlfriend. "I triple dog dare you. Check Mate." His voice had
softened, and he rubbed the side of Keller's foot with his lightly.
Although he had never mentioned it to anyone, Ike was fully aware that
Cindy and Niki had had a thing going behind his back for over a year.
Since she had more than kept him satisfied, and since he was never into
that serious 'love' shit anyway, it had never affected their relationship.
He of course strategically never mentioned that he would've jumped Keller's
bones anytime anywhere, and that it was his deepest darkest secret.
Keller on the other hand was totally oblivious to Niki's bi-sexual nature,
and had assumed he was the only one in her life. Although she had shocked
him tonight, he wasn't really turned off or upset, though. Actually, it
didn't mean that much to him. Their relationship was almost entirely
physical as far as he was concerned. Keller was positive he'd never been
in love. He didn't know what he wanted, but he knew she wasn't it.
Cindy put her hands on Ike's shoulders and leaned down to kiss his
forehead. "You think this is a good idea, Ike?" She looked up at Keller
and smiled slightly. "We're probably way past the point of no return,
Keller, but you shouldn't do anything that will ruin your friendship.
Think about it." She held out her hand to Niki and led her out of the
kitchen towards one of the bedrooms.
"She's right, Kil." Ike slid his foot out and touched the side of Keller's
leg and rubbed it gently. "We could probably blame this on dope to this
point."
Keller swallowed hard. He'd started trembling and he couldn't stop. "No,
I want to." Keller laughed nervously and looked at his hands. "I guess
I'm just scared."
Ike stood up and went over to Keller. "I'm the last person you should be
afraid of." He slowly slid his hands under Keller's arms and gently pulled
him closer. "I've wanted to do this for a long time."
Keller instinctively put his arms around Ike's neck. "So why didn't you
say something?" Ike bent in and kissed him lightly on the lips. Keller's
heart pounded and he leaned against Ike.
"Say what?" Ike pulled back slightly but didn't let go. "That I wanted to
have sex with my best friend? You would've killed me." He smiled showing
his perfect teeth.
Keller snorted and chuckled. "Dude, I still might, but you would've been
surprised." He felt Ike's hand slide between them and grasp his cock.
"Oh, man." His eyes fluttered. "Oh shit."
"Come on, Killer." Ike led him by his cock towards the stairs. They made
their way to the upstairs bedroom. Ike closed the door and led Keller out
onto the deck that was outside a set of glass doors. "Ever have sex
outside?" He stepped behind Keller and slid his arms around his waist,
rubbing his stomach and chest with one hand and stroking his crotch with
the other.
Keller was almost hypnotized by the slow steady motions. He leaned his
head back against Ike's shoulder and closed his eyes. His mind was foggy
from the beer and the pot, but he also knew that he'd daydreamed about this
happening before, and had a seriously wet dream about it too.
He could feel the tip of Ike's cock rubbing in the crack of his ass, and
something was making it very slick. He could feel his stomach tightening
up and a deep sort of electrical heat building in the base of his abdomen.
He shivered again and moaned as Ike's tip touched his ass.
"It hurts the first time." Ike whispered in Keller's ear. "I won't lie to
you."
"Oh fuck I don't care!" Keller reached up and cradled Ike's head. "Do it,
Isaac.. Tell me what to do." He felt the pressure increase and both of
Ike's arms were around his waist pulling back. "Ah!" He felt Ike enter
him and he pushed back. "Of Christ that hurts!"
"Just a little more." Ike carefully and gently slid further in until it
was finished. "Relax, baby. Just breath, okay?" He gently wiped the
tears from Keller's cheeks. "Just let me do the work, okay? Lean against
the rail." Keller nodded and put his hands on the redwood.
"It's okay now." Keller grunted. "It's going away." Ike's hand encircled
his now limp cock and began to stroke it again. Keller hissed as Ike
pulled out slowly and then slid back in, matching the slow rhythm he
started with his hand. Up inside, Keller could feel something he'd never
felt before, like licking a battery to see if it had a charge but it had
something to do with Ike inside him. "Damn, that's good." He breathed.
"Just have to take our time." Ike licked Keller's neck and ears. "If we
go to fast it will hurt you."
"This is fine." Keller smiled and arched his back. "Oh God, go a little
faster."
Ike chuckled and increased the pace a little. Keller was so tight, and he
could feel his own orgasm coming fast. "God I wish we'd done this along
time ago." He felt Keller's balls tense up and knew he was going to cum.
He leaned back with his arm across Keller's chest and pumped him harder and
faster.
"Ah! Ike I can't stop!" Keller gritted his teeth. As Ike pulled him back
it forced him deeper in, and Keller's guts were vibrating like he'd never
felt before. "Ike!" He grunted and let loose. His load arced out over
the rail, each of nine hard contractions containing what looked like more
cum than he'd ever shot at one time. He shouted and fell against Ike with
almost a sob.
Ike gritted his teeth when he felt Keller's ass contract. He watched as
Keller's gobs flew out into the darkness. He fired into Keller and hugged
him tight, pumping in and out as his load filled Keller up. "Holy shit!"
After several minutes of just standing there catching their breath Ike
slipped out of Keller and Keller turned around into his arms. He rested
his head on Ike's shoulder. "I never knew." Keller said quietly. "I
didn't think it would feel so good."
"It gets better." Ike grinned and lifted Keller's chin to kiss him. "Now
it's your turn, Killer."
Keller fought waking up for as long as he could, but by habit he was an
early riser, even after getting drunk. He slowly opened his eyes in to the
filtered sunlight and blinked, disoriented. He sighed and adjusted his
hips to get more comfortable. It took several seconds for his mind to
register the fact that his chest and stomach were pressed against Ike's
back, and that his now flaccid cock was still inside Ike. His eyes widened
in shock and he leaned back, not sure what to do.
Ike solved the problem by groaning softly and stretching his arms up over
his head and rolling onto his back, causing Keller to pop out. He opened
his eyes and saw Keller looking back at him and smiled. "Hiya, sunshine."
He stroked Keller's cheek with his hand.
"We, uh, really did all that, didn't we?" Keller asked incredulously. The
feel of Ike's hand was almost hypnotic, and he closed his eyes. "I thought
it was a dream."
"It kind of was, but it was a good one." Ike grinned and shifted under the
covers. "Are your ass cheeks stuck together? I need a shower." He
wrinkled his nose.
"I don't dare look at the mess we made." Keller laughed and rubbed at his
six-pack where the dried remains of Ike's fluids flaked off. "I've never
had four orgasms before. My balls kind of hurt."
"You say that like it's a bad thing." Ike sat up and took Keller's face in
his hands and kissed him. "I wish we'd done this a long time ago." He
slid towards the end of the bed and stood up, stretching again.
"Me, too." Keller marveled at the definition of Ike's muscles. Ike was
one inch taller than Keller and about thirty-five pounds heavier, bringing
him in at about 180. Keller was no slouch in the definition department and
was actually more cut than Ike, just not as much mass. Their sizes were
fairly close to the same, and they routinely traded clothing.
Ike yawned and went to the dresser. His family spent a lot of time at the
cabin, even in the winter, and he kept clean clothes in his room. "You're
gonna have to borrow some clothes, Kil. I'm pretty sure the shredded
remains of yours are still hanging from the moose over the fireplace." He
took out a pair of swimming trunks, board shorts that were red with white
Hawaiian flowers down the sides, and tossed them on the bed. He rummaged
around and came out with a stretchy skintight white muscle shirt and tossed
it after the shorts. "I'll hit the shower and them start breakfast if
you'll go get some coffee on."
Keller nodded and slid out of bed. Ike tossed him a terry towel wrap and
he put it around his waist as he headed down the stairs. There was no
sound yet from the girl's room as he passed it, and for a second Keller
considered opening the door quietly to peek. He'd never seen two real
women in bed together before and had to fight his curiosity.
As he walked into the kitchen he glanced out at the living room and
chuckled, turning red, as he saw what was left of his underwear and shorts
draped over the moose's nose. He shook his head at the unbelievable way
last night had ended up.
For years Keller had known that he might be gay, or bi, and for years he
had pretended that everything was fine, forcing himself to date girls when
he was old enough, and to save his real feelings for when he was alone in
his room or in the shower.
Ninety eight percent of the time he fantasized about Ike, although usually
of Ike with a girl or Ike beating off. He'd never involved himself in the
fantasy. It hadn't ever occurred to him. As he poured water in the coffee
machine he couldn't help but wonder if Ike had similar thoughts about him,
or if the pot had caused a one-time bang.
That particular thought was a downer, and Keller flipped the switch to turn
the pot on, vowing to never do pot again. He hated not being in control,
and he hated how it fucked up his inhibitions, and the more he thought
about it, he hoped he hadn't monumentally fucked up the best friends to
ever walk the earth.
He was deep in serious thoughts as he walked into the room. "Killer, is
that you?" Ike called from the shower. Keller walked over to the door of
the bathroom to see Ike's head sticking out. "Come here a sec." Ike said
seriously. Keller went over to the glass door, expecting to be asked if he
would NOT mention what happened to anyone, or to get some soap, or
something that would break the spell. He didn't get what he expected.
"Mmph!" He grunted in surprise as Ike kissed him, forcing his tongue into
Keller's mouth. He pulled the wrap off Keller's waste and tossed it on the
floor and dragged Keller into the shower.
"I really hope you missed me as much as I missed you." Ike said after they
parted. His arms were possessively around Keller's waist, causing their
rapidly hardening erections to rub together.
"God yes." Keller said, a dopey grin spreading across his face. "So this
wasn't a one nighter?" He slid his hands up Ike's muscular chest and
around his neck.
"I really hope not, but it's up to you." Ike said with a straight face.
"I don't want to give up what we had. I love you, man, and I want to
really love you, but not if it's gonna hurt you. You're my best friend."
Keller was surprised to feel his eyes watering up. He swallowed hard and
leaned forward to kiss Ike again. Their hands slowly slid between them,
moving up and down in the water spray.
"Jesus, is there any water left?" Cindy looked up at them as they came
down the stairs, dressed almost identically except for Ike's shorts being
dark blue. "You two look rested."
Ike stopped at the table and kissed her. "Morning, baby. Yes, there's
shit loads of water left, it's just not hot water." He picked up the pot
and poured a cup of coffee.
"My God you're funny!" Cindy said sarcastically, slapping her knee. "I
can't remember the last time I laughed so hard."
Keller poured a cup of coffee and sat down across from her at the table.
"Did you guys have a good time?" He asked, well aware that his face was
going red.
"No, as a mater of fact we didn't." Cindy rubbed her face with her hands.
"Princess Niki was out like a light the second she hit the bed." She
looked over at Isaac. "I should've come in with you two."
"That would've been interesting." Ike wiggled his eyebrows up and down.
"Not to change the subject but are you two riding four wheelers with us
today?" He took eggs and sausage out of the fridge and started breakfast.
"Oh I don't think so, thank you anyway." Cindy smiled faintly
sarcastically. "Having dirt in my teeth is just not in the cards today.
Besides, Niki was up throwing up about the time I heard the water running
for your marathon shower. If you don't mind I'll drive your car back and
you can ride home with Keller."
"You'd have more fun with us." Keller offered. Cindy leaned over and put
her head on his shoulder in resignation. "I didn't mean that the way it
sounded."
"I can handle honesty, Keller." Cindy smiled and took a sip of his coffee.
"Niki on the other hand may need a little finesse. I think she thinks it's
okay to fool around on you, but I'm not sold that she thinks it's okay for
you to mess around with Isaac. Watch you ass, okay?"
"I thought that was my job?" Ike chuckled and flipped the sausage patties.
Three hours later Keller pulled his four-wheeler under a tree and turned it
off. He was about a half a mile ahead of Isaac, and they'd planned to stop
near a small cliff that overlooked the lake. A cooler strapped to the back
of his bike had cokes and sandwiches in it, and Ike had an old quilt on his
to spread out for lunch.
He pulled off his helmet and hung on the handlebars, then pulled off his
dirt streaked t-shirt and wiped his face and chest off with it. He was in
the process of lighting a cigarette when he heard the buzz of Ike's
four-wheeler coming up the last curve. Keller lit a second cigarette and
had it waiting.
"Jesus Christ, Speed Ball!" Isaac pulled his helmet off and took the
offered smoke from Keller. "Not only are you a goddamn maniac you're a
mind reader too?" He took a drag and exhaled. "Thank you."
"Isn't the cliff right over there past those trees?" Keller pointed down a
gentle slope across the dirt road.
"Yup." Isaac stood up and wrestled out of his shirt. "Remember that shady
place at the base of the rocks?" Keller nodded. "That's where I was
headed. There's no shade at the top."
Keller started his machine and followed Ike down the hill. They found the
area they were looking for and spread out the blanket to eat. Keller
stretched out in the shade and drank from one of the cokes. "I'm surprised
these cokes have any fizz left. That trail at the second canyon didn't
even exist, did it?"
"Wimp. I thought you wanted a ride. If you wanted a nap you could've gone
home with Cindy." Isaac chuckled and leaned over so that his nose touched
Keller's. "Besides, wouldn't you rather be here?"
"That doesn't have shit to do with the non-existent trail, Ike, but nice
try." Keller laughed and stood up, holding his hand out to help Isaac up.
"You stink and I'm pretty sure I do. Let's hit the water."
Isaac pulled his shoes and socks off and followed Keller up the hill to the
cliff. The exposed rock faced leaned out over the water, and the top of
the small cliff was sixteen feet above the surface. Not the tallest
thrill, but enough to make the average jumper catch their breath.
Keller stopped at the top and looked over the edge at the deep blue water
at the bottom. His heart quickened like it always did, and he jumped when
Isaac's arms slid around his sides and his hands slid under the somewhat
loose waistband of Keller's board shorts, coming to rest around his
favorite equipment. Keller leaned back against him.
"I could really get used to this, Killer. All I want to do is touch you."
Ike kissed Keller's neck gently.
"You're the only one I want to touch me like that." Keller said and meant
it. During the ride up here he'd had a lot of time to think about what
he'd had with Niki and found it wanting. Whenever he allowed himself to
think about Isaac he almost immediately got hard, just like now.
Ike laughed. "I know how to fix your problem."
"What problem?" Keller closed his eyes and groaned softly. Without
warning Ike had withdrawn his hands and moved to face Keller. He kissed
him hard, and then leaned down and grabbed Keller's legs, lifting him into
a fireman's carry. "Jesus! Ike!"
"Hold on to your asssssssssssss!" Isaac turned and ran off the cliff, his
shouts mingling with Keller's screams until the plunged into the water
causing a titanic splash.
"You sonofabitch!" Keller sputtered, wiping the water out of his eyes.
"Thanks for the fucking warning you asshole!" He grinned and pushed Ike's
head under. Ike came back up laughing
"If you're bitching about that you'll really hate the next part." Isaac
disappeared under the water.
"Oh, shit!" Keller tried to get away but it was to late. Isaac's board
shorts were a little big on him, and by the time he tried to put his legs
together they were gone. Isaac surfaced with a broad grin on his face,
Keller's suit in one hand and his own in the other.
"Surprise!" Isaac waved the suits and then tossed them up onto the grassy
bank. "You always used to say you liked new things."
Keller looked around at the surrounding trees and foliage, nervous about
being seen skinny-dipping. Ike swam up to him and wrapped his arms around
Keller's waste. Keller couldn't help but close his eyes as their lips met.
Each kiss seemed to get even more spectacular than the last, and he felt
himself getting hard. What was more important he could feel Ike's cock
poking him.
"It's Saturday, stud." Ike mumbled against Keller's mouth with a smile.
"We don't even have to go home until tomorrow."
Keller chuckled and reached down to grasp Isaac's hardness. "Dude, we're
like depraved or something." Ike's lips began to make small kisses and
tongue slurps in the area oh his collarbone and he sighed. "God I wanted
this."