Kicking Up a New Stink

Quentin Tote from Allenton in Derby is 42, unemployed and has a history of irritable
bowel syndrome. A more unlikely candidate for academic glory you would be hard pushed to
find.

And yet this unassuming, unpretentious and frankly rather unhygienic little man is
set to become the toast of the scientific community following the announcement of his new
find - for, in the face of much scepticism and derision, Quentin Tote has discovered a new
smell.

Next to a Turkish bath

The basic building blocks of the smell spectrum - 'the elemental odours' as they are
called - have been known for over one hundred and fifty years. There are seventeen in
total, ranging from Flowers to Poo, all arranged in order of their 'Pong Ratio'.

This
system was devised in 1838 by Wilbur Chuff: a Belgian chemist working in France, over a
Chinese laundry, next to a Turkish bath.

Chuff had observed that by combining two separate
odours, he could create a third smell. Thus, by mixing Egg with Bacon, he could create
Breakfast.

From these experiments, he posited that all the smells in the world were made
up of a small number of basic smell elements, the character of each being determined by
its Pong Ratio.

He was accused of being a charlatan, a fake, and some people said
he had a big nose.

Chuff's theory was slow to catch on, and many of his contemporaries refused to see any
value in his work. When he presented his theories to the Royal Institute, he was accused
of being a charlatan, a fake, and some people said he had a big nose.

Nevertheless, Chuff
returned to his laboratory and became a recluse, working day and night to refine his
theory - partly to prove himself to his colleagues, partly because he didn't get out much
anyway.

Using differential calculus, a
slide-rule and a box of one hundred assorted elastic bands, he set about calculating the
Pong Ratio of seven known elemental odours. Extrapolating from these results, he deduced
the existence 10 other odours, and arranged these into the table of elemental odours that
is still in use today.

Chuff published his results a year later, but his work received a lukewarm response. The scientific community refused to take notice, and some of his more vocal opponents
pointed out that his nose had appeared to grow even larger during his self-enforced
solitude. Nevertheless, when some of the smells that Chuff had predicted began to be
identified by independent researchers, orthodox science had no option but to accept his
theory.

The local newspaper once described him as the man with the largest nose in the East Midlands

The last of Chuff's Elemental Odours, Plasticine, was finally identified in 1956. The
spectrum of smells was now complete, giving us a total picture of the smell universe - or
so we thought. Now, almost two centuries later, Quentin Tote's discovery of an entirely new smell, unpredicted by Chuff's
Table, means that the original theory may have to be revised.

However, there is much
debate over the authenticity of Tote's discovery. His critics point to the fact that his
facilities are inadequate and his qualifications are non-existent.

Ironically, Quentin
Tote is facing the same sort of resistance to his discovery today as Chuff did in the nineteenth century,
even down to the unnecessary criticism of his nose. To be fair,
much of this criticism is justified: his laboratory consists of a workbench in the corner
of his garage, and his training consists of a City & Guilds in woodwork and a Bronze
swimming certificate.

To add insult to injury, the local newspaper once described him as
'the man with the largest nose in the East Midlands'.

Professor Belcher thinks that Tote's Marmite is not a new smell at
all, but a combination of Creosote, Catfood and Cheese.

Tote, however, sticks to his
guns and maintains that the results of his experiments speak for themselves.

He discovered
his new odour by cracking chip fat in a converted foot spa after a particularly harrowing
episode of EastEnders. He describes the smell, which he has christened Marmite, as 'bloody
terrible', and he confidently predicts that it will have tremendous implications on a
number of industries.

He believes Marmite may prove particularly useful in outer space,
where no one will be able to smell it.

Despite Tote's confidence the jury is still out on his new smell. Professor
Samuel Belcher of the Bristol University Smell Survey Project thinks that Tote's Marmite
is not a new smell at all, but a combination of Creosote, Catfood and Cheese. Ironically,
Creosote, Catfood and Cheese is the name of the firm of solicitors acting for Quentin Tote
in a forthcoming libel case against Belcher.

One thing is
certain, Marmite represents a significant breakthrough in odour research. Whether it will
mean radical changes in the way we understand the science of smell remains to be seen.