finding balance.

Menu

Hope

Dang I’ve been absent for about 6 months and oh boy, how things have changed.

First, I had a sweet little baby girl named Ruby on May 2nd. A strong little peanut weighing in at 6lbs 2oz. I remember right when the nurse put her on my chest and she heard my voice her cries instantly stopped. She was also lifting her head off my chests to look up, shocking Fanyan and I at how strong she was already. I never knew how much more love I had within me to love another little human being so unconditionally and whole heartedly until she came into this world.

Gemma has been the sweetest, she loves her baby sister. I sometimes catch her on the baby monitor giving baby sis kisses on the forehead. Although sweet, she has been a little needier and naughtier than normal to seek our attention but I think she’s trying to adjust without compromising her love for her sister.

Mom life: when people tell you transitioning from 1 to 2 kids is 10x harder, Believe them. It is hard. I had trouble nursing with Gemma and this time around with Ruby. With Gemma I exclusively pumped for 4 months. I felt like super woman, no sleep during the night but I slept whenever she slept during the day. I’m trying that again with Ruby. But it’s taking a huge toll on me this time around. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I feel completely defeated. Drained. An emotional wreck waiting to expload. Ruby has been so chill, but the cycle of no sleep, waking, feeding, diapers, pumping, watching Gemma has left me feeling so drained. I have been so moody, emotional, weepy, and it’s just not fair to Gemma or Ruby. I feel myself being snappy at Gemma and then apologizing. Over and over and over and it’s just not who I am. I feel like a failure. I know I’m a great mother, and will do anything for my kids. And for that, I feel like my exclusively pumping days are coming to a near end. I need some sanity. And honestly, I feel like pumping non stop on the clock is making me depressed. I praise the women who can do this with multiple kids but for me, being 100% with my children is more important. I know Ruby will grow and be healthy. It’s unfair to think I lasted 4 months with Gemma and only a month for Ruby but to be a better mom, This is what I’m going to do.

I had these great expectations of maybe this time around I’d be able to nurse Ruby like other people are able to nurse their kids, but in reality… it just didn’t work out for us. I gave it my best and I know no matter what she’ll still grow up strong and healthy.