Friday, September 4, 2015

When, indeed? Because the world has been spinning faster and
faster, and anyway, my own house has been turned not upside down but rather
sideways, since everything that was in the back of the house is now in the
front of the house, all the better so that Lord—who is logically Lady’s
brother—can scale scaffolds and ladders in order to drip paint on the floor.

OK—be fair. The paint dripped is a wonderful near Norwegian
blue (actually, in my mind it’s a Finnish blue) but also very runny, or maybe
it’s just that it dislikes being put on the cornice and wants the limelight of
being lower down. Anyway, it’s running, which is unfortunate, since neither Lord
nor I had the sense to realize that we should probably paint the ceiling first,
then the cornice, and then the rest of the wall. No, we went the other way,
which would have been fine if we had remembered to get the paint that falls up.
But the great thing about Lord is that he’s very clean, which means that the
floor is looking far cleaner than it ever has. He also has fallen for Mauricio,
who is supposed to be a cat but is instead a genetically modified skunk (they
removed the stripes) and whose other name is Monsanto. So Lord has provided
Monsanto with a roller hanging from a string, and the cat / skunk has been
happy ever since. See? Service you don’t get from ordinary painters!

So for years we had been living with mold, we are now living
with dust and the cement scrapings and scraps of paint. Not that we didn’t
escape once or twice, first to go to Walmart to buy a mattress, and second to
go to the largest shopping mall in the Caribbean, since someone had crashed
through to the very nadir of nefariousness and robbed my phone.

It’s my fault, of course, though I still think that the
current thief was in his last life Joseph Mengele. But the point is that I
succumbed to a salesman who told me that I would never get a date—or what might
come after it—if I continued to have the phone that Radio Shack had actually
paid me to take off their shelves. That phone, which was red but nameless, I
could leave in a prison lunchroom, and would anyone steal it? Of course not,
but the sleek little Galaxy s5?

I realized it in a flash, that it was gone, that it was
stolen, that I was defenseless. True, I had most of my contacts in a little
black notebook—yes, you have that honor, you out there—and I had most of the
three hundred CDs that I had collected gathering dust—and paint—next to the
piano. But I was faced with the horrifying possibility of reentering all those
contacts, and playing all that music back into the computer so that it could
play it back into the phone.

Curiously enough, the phone did it all by itself, even
without the SIMS card, so now I have my contacts and my music, and this little
Asus zenphone is a Galaxy manqué or
maybe a faux Galaxy but whatever it
is, it is not a Galaxy. Which means that I could throw it into a den of
thieves and they would throw it right back. Yes, it’s that bad.

So that’s why my mood had been rather sour, of late, plus of
course the fact that I’m a news junkie and living in Puerto Rico, which in the
current moment is spiraling through a vortex of crises. So what could I
possibly write about? After all, I had been compulsively reading articles
entitled, “Puerto Rico Debt Crisis: Yes, Western Civilization Soon to End!”
Could I help myself? Of course not, but neither did it seem like I should
inflict it on anyone else.

So I haven’t been writing, since what is there to write
about? Would anyone really be interested in the interesting relations between
Lord and his niece Naïa? Or that she had dragged him all the way to the other
side of the mall, so that he could pay six dollars for a Godiva ice cream cone,
which she declined to allow either of us to sample? Or that I had told her that
I was 9,6423,0974,987 seconds old, when she asked how old I am.

“What’s that in years?” she asked.

“Who knows,” I told her, “anyway, at my age, you have to
start counting in seconds…. Years just don’t make sense anymore.”

The daughter of a poet and a Frenchman, Naïa completely gets
this. So we go home, and I sit down to write, and there is nothing, absolutely
nothing to write about, which is depressing because—in those smug days when I could
write—I had declared that writer’s block was entirely fictitious. And haven’t I
proved it? 842 words, one and a half pages, and have I said anything at all? Of
course not!

So since I couldn’t write, I devoted myself to watching
videos, which meant that I had to listen to every word John Oliver has ever
uttered publically, since I had long since consumed the entire oeuvre of Rachel Maddow and John
Stewart. So that was a problem, since where could I turn after that?

The odd thing about a blogging life—let’s call it la vie del bloguer—is that things sort
of enter into your head, and you find yourself thinking or more likely
obsessing about them. But what made me think of prairie chickens? Right—it was
The New York Times, reporting on the near extirpation of the Attwater Prairie
Chickens, and that put me in mind of the prairie chickens that I had seen, way
back in the 60’s, in central Wisconsin.

It amuses me now—I live in the tropics, and the national
bird, our Puerto Rican parrot, is—in addition to well past extirpation and just
to the east of extinction—a very handsome bird indeed. Magnificent, with
vibrant green and striking red, and no little call, either. But for all that,
I’d rather be of a place that has the prairie chicken, and especially of a
place that had the likes of the Hamerstroms, who were the ardent champions of
the bird.

My father knew them, or maybe just knew of them, since we
were friends with the Schorgers—the foremost authority on the wild turkey—and
they were friends with everybody including Roger Tory Peterson, which is why I
can tell you that Peterson was utterly puzzled when somebody told him he really
should buy a suit, since the President was giving him some medal or other.

Right, the Hamerstroms, a wonderful old couple who lived in
an 1850’s stagecoach inn that hadn’t been painted since the Civil War but did
have a ballroom on the second floor. The ballroom housed the ornithological
books, and the first floor housed everything else, including a great horned
owl, who took what I felt was an unhealthy—for me, at least—interest in a
small, tow-headed boy. I sat down, the bird immediately flew behind me,
and perched on the cornice. I changed seats, the bird did as well. The
Hamerstroms and my parents found this funny; I, like the Queen, was not amused.

So we slept in this house which had, as Fran Hamerstrom once
said, “all of the luxuries, such as a first-class ornithological library, but
none of the necessities.” Which is to say it had no running water and only
wood-burning stoves for heat. Which was no problem for Mrs. Hamerstrom, because
she had been batty all her life. She was born into wealth in Massachusetts, but
instantly took to the wild, so much so that her parents tried to tame her. She
retreated even further, and took to planting poison ivy on the path between her
and her parents. Typically, she was naturally immune to the plant, though she
may have caused it to itch.

Well, she proudly flunked out of Smith, and then met her
husband, whom everybody called Hammy, and they both became students of another
Wisconsin legend, Aldo Leopold, who wrote Sand County Almanac, a book I
have lied about reading for years. So Leopold sold them on the idea of saving
the prairie chickens, and the Hamerstroms set to work, and have done so well
that there is now a Central Wisconsin
Prairie Chicken Festival. Yes, we take our prairie chickens seriously, we
of Wisconsin.

As do the prairie chickens, though I did not, that next
morning at five AM when we had to get up and sit in a freezing blind, since it
was my father’s professional duty to report on the doings of the prairie
chicken. And what were they doing? Well, you can see below, but it’s sort of
the ornithological equivalent of break dancing—very enticing, to the mesdames
prairie chickens, or las poules de
prairie.

Yes, the male does all the elaborate footwork of a manic
ballerina on cocaine, and then, after puffing his orange sack out from his
neck, soars up and bops his competitor, and that’s pretty important, since I
can now tell you that the top dog…err, chicken…gets to impregnate 90% percent
of the chicks.

At last, exhausted from not having slept in a freezing
house, and having woken up at before anyone even thought of cracking the dawn,
we went away. Fran
Hamerstrom stirred around, writing books, writing articles, and venturing
down to Peru to observe native Amazon hunting customs. She broke her hip there,
and had to be canoed out down the river, which was an annoyance but anyway, she
went back the next year. She was only 87 at the time, so it was no big deal….

She had been a little off all her life, but always in the best
way, so it shouldn’t have been a surprise to see her on the Letterman show, in
the clip below. If you can, skip to about minute 23 of the clip. Letterman is
painfully not funny for the first ten minutes, the comedian who follows him is
hardly better. But then Doctor Hamerstrom comes in, with the news that all
violets are edible, and with a dead fox snake, which she is proposing to cook
in—now burnt—butter. She’s taken an interest in cooking wild things, and has
become a sort of Julia Child of the Wisconsin woods.

They are, in fact, quite similar—Brahmin ladies who are
completely sincere and utterly funny without in the least meaning to be. So
it’s no surprise when Hamerstrom pulls out a small grass snake—her pet
Matilda—from a coin purse where she carries it. She then plops the snake into
her brassiere.

So now its four pages and 1868 words and I still have
writer’s block but…

Life, Death and Iguanas

Life, Death…and Iguanas?Yes, that’s the title of an e-book available on Amazon / Kindle. It’s the story of a woman who took charge of her death, just as she had her life. Of a family that split, and then united. Of a man who decided to live. Oh, and there’s some great stuff about iguanas….Read the first chapter by clicking here!