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She spent the first day packing her personal belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days.

In the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit...

Repairmen refused to work in the house. .. The maid quit...

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going.

She told him she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...including the curtain rods.

Two priests die and go to heaven. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates. "I'm terribly sorry, he says to them. "We don't have enough room for you up here. We'll have more room in two weeks. In the meatime, though, you can go back to earth as anything you want."

"Well," one priest says, "I would love to go back as an eagle and soar high above the Rockies.

"We can arrange that," St. Peter says. Turning to the other priest, he says, "And you?"

The other priest looks embarrassed. "Well," he says, "I'd like to go back as a glamourous stud."

The request strikes St. Peter as odd, but he agrees to arrnage it. The wishes of the priests are granted.

Two weeks later, St. Peter calls an escort angel to go back to earth to bring back the priests. "Where will I find them?" the escort angel asks.

"One priest will be easy to find," St. Peter answers. "He's an eagle soaring high over the Rockies. The other will be a little harder to find. He's somewhere in Dallas - as a rhinestone on a lady's purse."

__________________
the Clampetts are in a fancy Beverly Hills jewelry store.

Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."

The word "stud" can mean a sexually active man, which is what the priest wanted to be, and it also means a rhinestone. It also means a piece of support wood, which allows for this alternative punchline:

"The other priest will be harder to find. He's a two-by-four in a condo in Aspren."

If the priest asks to be a "cool" stud, the punchline can go like this:

"The other priest will be harder to find. He's a bolt on a snow tire in Detroit."

And back in the nineties, when Volkswagen's quality had reached its nadir, "Fahrvergnugen," which meant "the pleasure of driving," was rumored to have meant "the pleasure of driving your VW to the repair shop and getting a free Toyota loaner."

One day a blind man and his seeing-eye dog went into K Mart. Suddenly the man started twirling the dog around in the air. The manager came up to him and asked him if he could help him. The blind man said "No thanks. I'm just looking around".

a widowed farmer had 3 daughters. They were each very beutiful, and he was proud and very protective of them.
One Saturday night, all 3 of them had dates. He was waiting with them in the living room, when there was a knock at the door. He opened it, there was this nice, clean-cut young guy standing there. He said "Hi. My name's Teddy. I'm here for Betty. We're having a dinner of spagetti. Is she ready"? So he said "Sure, you look and sound allright. She's right here". So, Betty and the guy left. Then, someone else came to the door. Again, he was nice, well groomed and clean cut. He said "Hi. My name's Tim. I'm here for Kim". So, the farmer said "Sure, you also seem fine. My daughter's right here"!
Then there was another knock on the door. The farmer opened it, and there was this dirty,sleazy, guy standing there, He needed a shave, his hair was all mussed up, his clothes were all dirty and wrinkled. The farmer said "WHAT DO YOU WANT"? The guy said "My name is Chuck. I'm here to...."

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