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A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. she decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg.He's dead. What did you buy?"

*MP*: Aye! In them days, we'd a' been glad to have the price of a ZX80.

*GC*: Aye! With an old Z80 CPU.

*EI*: Without RAM or ROM.

*TG*: OR CPU!

*MP*: On a cracked PCB an all.

*EI*: We never used to have a PCB. We used to make our own Motherboard out of a rolled up newspaper.

*GC*: The best WE could manage was to STICK the chips to a piece of damp cloth.

*TG*: But, you know, we were 'appy in those days, though we were poor.

*MP*: Aye. BECAUSE we were poor. My old Dad used to say to me, 'Personal Computers don't buy you happiness'.

*EI*: 'E was right. I was 'appier then, and I had NOTHIN'. We used to rent time on an old IBM Mainframe Computer with greaaaaat big racks of 'ardware.

*GC*: Mainframe? You were lucky to have a Mainframe! We used to share a room with a DEC PDP11, all one hundred and twenty-six of us, no furniture. Half the suspended floor was missing, and we were all 'uddled together in one corner for fear of it crashing!

*TG*: You were lucky to have a PDP11! *We* used to 'ave to use a Programmable Calculator!

*MP*: Ohhhh - we used to DREAM of usin' a Programmable Calculator! Woulda' been a Super Computer to us. We used to work at a local Bank with an adding machine and a paper roll. We got woken up every morning by having a load of cheques and invoices dumped all over us! Mainframe!? Hmph.

*EI*: Well, when I say 'Mainframe', it was only a load of old valves covered by a piece of tarpaulin, but it was a Mainframe to US.

*GC*: We were banned from using the PDP11; we had to send in Batch Tapes!

*TG*: You were lucky to have a Tape! There were a hundred and sixty of us using Punch Cards in t' middle o' t' night.

*MP*: Keyboard input?

*TG*: Aye!

*MP*: You were lucky! It would take us three months to add up peoples' accounts on a paper roll at t' local Bank. We used to have to get up at six o'clock in t' morning, load paper tape, eat a crust o' stale bread, work fourteen hours a day, week in-week out. When we got home, our Dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt!

*GC*: LUXURY! We used to have to load the tape at three o'clock in the morning, enter data in Morse code wi' a piece o' bent wire, eat 'andful of hot gravel, go to work every day for tuppence a month, come home, and Dad would beat us around the head with a broken Valve, if we were LUCKY!

*TG*: WELL - we had it tough - We used to have to get the punched cards at twelve o'clock at night, and LICK card reader clean wi'tongues, eat 'alf 'andful o' freezing cold gravel, work twenty-four hours a day for fourpence every six years, and when we got home, our Dad would slice us in two wit' Paper knife.

*EI*: RIGHT - I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup o' batteryacid, work twenty-nine hours a day down Computer Centre, and pay owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our graves singing 'Rule Britannia.'

*MP*: AYE - BUT!! - you try and tell that to t' Computer Gamers of today... And they won't believe ya'.

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go towork the next day, she told the repairman, "I'llleave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, andI'll send you a cheque."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you, but,whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talkto my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered thebiggest, meanest looking bulldog he has everseen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching therepairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling,cursing and name calling. Finally the repairmancouldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

On a flight to Chicago a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the gent's restroom but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament. Sir she said "you may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to do and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA. PP and a red one labelled ATR.Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling he thought.Men's restrooms don't have nice like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped he pushed the PP button.A large powder puff caressed his rear adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

The next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes a nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. What happened ?" he exclaimed." You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. "the last button marked ATR was an automatic tampon remover. Yourwily is under your pillow."

After his talk he offers question time.One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name. "Stanley," responds the little boy."And what is your question, Stanley?" "I have 3 questions.First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right:question time.Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand.George points him out and asks him his name. "Bobby," he responds. "And what is your question, Bobby?" "Actually, I have 5 questions.First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?And fifth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said "Yes!" And Woman said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14. So God said "Try my fresh green salad". And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them".

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes, And super size 'em". And Satan said "It is good."

And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

Generally, I hate the warnings that get sent around but I have to admit this one is serious.Please protect everyone you know by sending this to your entire email list.If someone comes to your door and says they are conducting a survey and asks you to show them your bum, do NOT show them your bum - it is a scam.

"What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."

(Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."

(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."

(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."

(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

"My boss spent the entire weekend re-typing a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected."

(CIO of Dell Computers)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."

(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.

When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."

(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."

(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above."

(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"

(New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.

(Taco Bell Corporation)

AND FINALLY THE WINNER

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."