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Friday, March 28, 2014

Just trying to get through life one day at a time...

I can't believe my handsome little man is nearly 5 months old! Where has the time truly gone? I feel like it wasn't that long ago that I was pregnant with this little munchkin! Every day is a new adventure and I love watching this fella learn and explore the world around him!

Although I love being a mommy and seeing my son change before my eyes, it's hard not to realize that the older Colton gets, the longer it's been since the last time I have seen my mother alive. It's very bittersweet that with each and every milestone my handsome prince hits, is just another sad reminder that my sweet, sweet mother isn't around to watch him grow up and to mentor me on this hard journey called motherhood.

Last week was spring break. My brothers and dad flew down to Texas so we could spend the week together as a family. It was the first time we have been together since my mom and grandma's death. It was good to see them for a HAPPY occasion. We had a great time exploring Houston - I brought them to the Rodeo and we also spent an afternoon in Kemah. Then we made our way to the capitol and Michael's stomping grounds of Austin! We had fun at SXSW and Colt enjoyed his first concert. We did lunch, drank some beers, and just spent time as a new and unfortunate family of four. It was bittersweet watching them go and waving goodbye.

With the death of a parent, or any loved one for that matter, it makes you realize, appreciate and cherish the relationship you have with your family. We are a close and strong family and as a family, we will prevail. Although, I am not ashamed to admit that the last few weeks have been incredibly difficult for me. I am still in the beginning stages of grief, all the while trying to juggle being a full time working mom to an infant (and a still colicky infant at that!) I know that this road of grief and healing is going to be a long, painful, and ever changing journey. Some days I wake up feeling okay, but the majority of days it's a struggle just getting out of bed in the morning. I keep telling myself, one day at a time... one foot in front of the other. I suppose that is the only way you can get through the pain of the untimely and unexpected death of a parent. The death of your best friend and the glue that holds your whole family together. Every time I struggle with this new "normal", every time I cry because I am just SO incredibly devastated and overcome with loss, every time I feel as if life isn't fair and God took her just to punish me, every time I say "what if" - what if we brought her to the doctor earlier? what if we went to different specialists? what if we didn't take "i'm not sure what's going on" or "I promise we'll get to the bottom of why she's so sick" for answer, what if we didn't put all our hope and faith into doctors that, in the end, never even diagnosed what you died of other than saying "because every organ failed", what if I had one more day to tell you I loved you... Every time I ask myself these and many other questions, I take a look at my handsome, sweet, rotten, and amazing child and I realize that even though my mom is not here PHYSICALLY, that she is in the smile that Colt gives me when I read him nursery rhymes and do the itsty-bitsy-spider, that she is in the laugh that Colt gives me when I tickle him, that she is in the tears Colt sheds when he's tired and just wants to be held, that she is in that innocent face of Colt as I watch him sleep most nights and thank the God above that I am this little boys momma. I find comfort in the fact that my mother died KNOWING that she was loved beyond belief by not only her three children and husband, but also by a slew of other family members and a whole ton of friends. She was able to go peacefully knowing that as a family, we would learn (sadly) to live without her by our side. That as a family, we would lean on each other in those moments of pure and utter heartache and devastation when we think of her life that was cut terribly short at only 58 years old. The circle of life continues - as one life comes in, one life has to go out. And as traumatic as her abrupt death was for my family and I, the pure joy and happiness we feel over the birth of Colton helps to ease the pain and mend our broken hearts. That handsome little boy lights up our lives, makes us smile and helps us to move on with our lives.

Momma Bear, I learned to be the best mother possible to Colton because I had the best teacher showing me the love of a mother. You would be SO proud of the uncles your sons have turned out to be and the grandpa your husbands become. Although the pain of losing you is debilitating, I keep reminding myself that God needed you home much more than I needed you here on earth. Theres no way to justify or wrap my mind around why you were taken from me so soon. I would give absolutely anything to have one more day with you. One more day to tell you I love you. One more day to show you how much I appreciate you. One more day to have had the chance to introduce you to your grandson. But, unfortunately, the harsh reality is that I don't have one more day. I know you are up there watching over us, smiling while sipping never ending bottles of Vendage, telling the rest of heaven about the wonderful 58 years you walked on this great earth, about the three children you raised to be productive, respectful, and kind citizens and the 34 years you spent with your husband that is nothing shy of generous, courageous, and above all, family driven. You did good Momma Bear, you did good.

Colton with his uncle Michael, Grandpa Rick, and Uncle Mathew

Walking around Kemah Boardwalk

Quality cuddle time with Grandpa

All smiles!

Just laughing at Mommy and Uncle Mathew! Ignore the fact that I'm naked with a dirty bib ;)

Pure happiness

Best friends

Everyone just wants to love on him

Colt's first concert!

That smile melts my heart!

The love between the two of them is undeniable!

Watching my favorite show, Baby Einstein, with my Uncle Mathew

With Mommy and Grandpa

He loves that little boy so much

I can't believe how big you have gotten. I'm so incredibly blessed that God chose me as your mother!

Okay, we really are twinsies - I didn't lose my mother but I did lose my grandma (whom I was extremely close to) when Mav was 6 weeks old. I understand your pain and I think the same thing when I look at Mav. She is there with us every step of the way. (and now you have me crying at work- ha)

I can't imagine losing a parent, especially at a time when I also have a small child. But you are doing such a good job, and really honoring the memories which you will share with your son throughout his life. :-)

You brought tears to my eyes and I wish I could hug you!! Again I'm so sorry for your loss but you hit every nail on the head with the realization that your mother lives on in your son and in your strong family bond. Glad you had a good spring break thou :) love th new blog design too

I understand how hard it is getting over the death of someone. My brother who was 8 years older than me and practically my caretaker since my mom worked crazy hours..past away a few weeks after I found out I was pregnant. I think about him everyday and sometimes see a little of him in my daughter. It is hard but do appreciate and love those that you do have right now <3

Sending you and your family so many prayers for strength. Your family truly has a guardian angel. I'm sure your mother is watching over and smiling at every moment watching your little one grow and learn.

About Me

By day I am an extremely sarcastic elementary school teacher educating the youth of America in the great state of Texas. By night I am the exhausted, dark circles-under-her-eyes, wine drinking momma to an autistic toddler and attempting to maneuver through this new life that is Autism Spectrum Disorder.