Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Design This: Cool People To The Rescue!

I got a press release, and if I got a press release you know it's important. Also, it involves both Portland and Levi's, so you know, like, holy shit. Here's what it said:

5 TEAMS. 5 CITIES. THE ULTIMATE URBAN UTILITY BIKE.Announcing Oregon Manifest 14: The Bike Design Project. In our boldest configuration yet, we've partnered five high-level design firms with American bicycle craftsmen in collaborative teams - one in each of five cycling-centric cities - all competing to create the next urban bike. Working together from ideation through production, these teams are fiercely determined to develop their vision of the Ultimate Urban Utility Bike. Once the five bike designs are revealed to the public on July 25 at a celebration event in each city, it will be YOU, our online audience, who chooses the winning bike!We don't stop there. For the first time, the winning bike will move forward into production through our manufacturing partner, Fuji BIkes. The Oregon Manifest bike will be available and ready to ride in the city!Learn more and meet our teams at oregonmanifest.com.
In other words, what they've done here is picked five "cool" cities and invited five "cool" bikey/designy cliques in each one to come up with a "cool" bike for riding to "cool" places within those cities in a great big Levi's marketing circle jerk.

Or maybe it's the Portland team. I don't know. Or is it the New York team?

No, this is the New York team...or is it?

And if it is, who the hell are these people?

No, wait, I think those are the same people as in the first picture. There are so many caps and cropped, vaguely militaristic jackets that it's hard to tell.

Honestly, the only team I could identify right off the bat was the Seattle team:

Their bike will be a time machine that will take you straight back to 1992.

As for the quest to design the "Ultimate Urban Utility Bike," they're all wasting their time, because I built that a few weeks ago in my basement. It's called the "Son of Scat," and it is the culmination of a lifetime of cycling experience, from the BMX racing, to bike couriering, to the lofty reaches of mid-category Fred-dom:

In fact, the only one of their arbitrary criteria it doesn't fit is that it doesn't have a "Free-standing Under Load System," but those are for "woosies." (Just kidding, I badly need a center stand for my Big Dummy.)

Let's run through their cutesy little checklist and see how Son of Scat measures up:

Mandatory FeaturesWithout exception, all entry bikes must possess the following useful features:Anti-Theft System: System should prove to be secure and easy to use.

Yeah, I got that. It's called a U-lock (or three) and some "street smartz" (in graffiti font). Also, look at how the fucked-up saddle nobody would want anyway is chained to the frame with an actual bicycle chain through an old inner tube. Suck on that, "woosies."

Lighting System: System should aid rider vision and provide high visibility on the road.

Uh-huh, got that too. Thanks to Knog, I got more lumens than the lighting district. (Assuming the old lighting district hasn't been totally replaced by luxury condos, which it probably has.) By the way, if you need bike lights to see where you're going, you don't live in a real city, so in actuality any bike with such a "system" should be disqualified.

Load-Carrying System: Entries should be able to carry a variety of loads through a varietyof conditions. System should accommodate a typical user load, such as a bag of groceries, commuter or gym bag, etc.

Oh, my bike can take my load. I got a rack, I got bags, I got handlebars, and if there's really a lot of shit to carry, I've got a dental plan, because I'll carry a bag of takeout in my teeth like a golden retriever with a dead duck if I have to. I don't have a "gym bag" though, because gym bags are for "woosies." This is how I work out:*

*[Disclaimer: that is not how I work out.]I bet John Joseph doesn't worry about male osteoporosis.Free-standing Under Load System: Bike must free-stand under a variety of loads on a variety of surfaces.

Heh, heh. The bike has to stand up while taking a "variety of loads." [Insert your bukkake reference here.]

Fender System: Fender system must keep bike and rider clean.

I have a fender system. It's called "fenders." Amazing.

Road-tested: Bike should be road-ready and tested. The team-produced video shouldinclude brief footage of the bike in motion on the road (including hills), carrying a load and in use during typical real-world scenarios.

Road-tested? I got your road-tested. That bike's been everywhere. It's been locked to every pole in New York. In a prior incarnation, it's even been raced at the SSCXWC in Portland. Lou Reed once borrowed it for four weeks. (That's a lie.) You think Fuji Bikes can market an "urban utility bike" with that kind of street cred? Because I don't--though this one came close:

It folds and it's a "collabo" with cigarettes. Actually, I bet if one of those teams submitted exactly that bike they'd walk away with the grand prize.

The point is, true city bikes aren't contrived by designsters. They're born of the parts bin and refined on the commute. Odds are the winning Oregon Manifest bike will be called The Gentrification Machine. It will have some sort of integrated lock you'd never want, custom racks that allow the rider to use the word "porteur" a lot, a fancy paint job, and a smartphone holder so you can run that app that alerts you when a landlord finally succeeds in harassing a rent-controlled tenant out of an apartment:

Then all you have to do is find a bike rack that's compatible with your integrated lock, park your "porteur," and fork over that $3,500 security deposit.

So… imagine that a hypothetical group of disillusioned citizens obtains access to the same nodes – let's say it's an inside job by some building employees – but instead of tapping the nodes, as the NSA did, they break them. And to avoid any possibility of repair, they detonate a small timed radioactive paintball after they leave. No one gets hurt, but the radioactive splatter creates a no-go zone. As a result, no one can fix the fiber optics or even get near them for, let's say, 100 years. The city outside, and even the rest of the building, might remain safe, but don't go near that room on the 20th floor!

Hey, I'm just as creeped out by all this NSA spying as anybody, but David Byrne has more reason to be upset than most, since they carefully monitored him while he put together his most recent musical project:

Sorry, Dave, I had to do it:

("Not fucking funny.")

I'm oddly fascinated with David Byrne since he's sort of the embodiment of "right message, wrong messenger." He doesn't own a car, but he can hire one whenever he wants. He thinks Manhattan sucks now, but he can sell his loft for a mint whenever he wants and move anyplace in the world. He's freaked out about being watched on the Internet, yet he has a blog and a strong online presence, which he totally doesn't need because his success predates all of that in the first place.

But yes, he makes important points--about cars, gentrification, and spying--though I'd be afraid to use David Byrne's new Surveillance-Free Internet, since it would probably be taken over by pedophiles in short order:

Just buy a cheap bike and put a rack on it. There's your urban cycle. Building a trash bike would be awesome, but you still have to find the parts. Or is it supposed to be a "fun" scavenger hunt? Trash bike is like slow foods.

Urban bike contest, spring polar vortex, No Visible Means of Support Tilford driving a borrowed Ferrari to wheedle some free Dura Ace from his corporate pals to put on his probably sponsored frame and then bitch about unfair advantage, having to "workout" to ride my bike, which was supposed to be my workout, and that was just yesterday.

My Mom's instruction to not say anything if you can't say something nice just didn't "take" on me.

I want to know how many teams will "design" a bike from the source of all new designs, the Taipei Cycle Show.

That David Byrne is a barometer into upper-class anxiety. When the Internet gnomes were hot and bothered about the NSA cloning backbone traffic in AT&T's room 614a in 2006 it was all a conspiracy theory that backbone traffic was being spied upon. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Room_641A

8 years later suddenly the Internets is bad. Byrne needs to hire me to invent Tor. $3 million and 30 days should do it. I'll even ride my bike over.

That NY Times piece reminds me of another forced repatriation from 'back in the day'. I wonder when the grain alcohol and smallpox infested blankets will show up.

"Mr. Brown, Mr. White would like to live where you've been living just about your whole life. So why doncha just move, cuz ya see, this reciprocating saw don't just cut through floors..."

On another note, good to see John J. again. When I lived in the E. Village in the early 90s, he was our version of Fresh Direct, except he would deliver aromatic herbs of the Wednesday variety. He was kind of a loud talker for that line of work though.

my 73 Raleigh, which cost me $150, has a lock (u-just like snob's), basket for carrying loads, fenders, lights, center kick stand. It has a brooks saddle on it (included in the $150 I paid for it, and no, it was not a stolen bike) and an obey sticker.

If these Manfesters come up with something that actually meets their wet dream (which we all know you need (4) separate bikes and (3) sets of wheels to actually accomplish), they'll multihandedly collapse the entire cyclomarketing universe. All these urban terrains with cargo to boot? WOW

"True Functionality

A bike’s ability to perform well on, and be equipped for, the varying terrain of urban scenes is essential…wet and dry asphalt, gravel, hills and stairs should all be easily navigable on or with the bike"

Seems the 2014 organizers have been assimilated by the cyclomarketing borg, as they have omitted a very strict rule from 2011:

"Logos and Brands on Entry Bicycles

The fundamental spirit of the Oregon Manifest Constructor’s Design Challenge is to encourage and celebrate the creativity of the independent Contestant bike builders, not third party sponsors. Accordingly, entry bicycles and accessories may ONLY bear the logos or brands of Contestants’ respective companies that they manage or own. Excluding pre-printed standard manufacturer markings found on stock parts, any other (sponsor) logos and brands may appear ONLY on the right side chainstay, and must be limited in size to .5 inches in height and 6.0 inches in width.Violation of this rule shall be grounds for disqualification from the Contest."

Yeezus Kayne could the oregon manifest bike design contest be any more stupid? What does "ideation" mean anyway? Also, why is everything a "system"? A sitting system, a pedaling system, a breaking system, a turning system an air insertion system? Also don't these pretentious douchebags know that humanitarian and urban design expert, Paul Budnitz, has already ideated and designed the ultimate urban bike?

What's ironic or maybe not, is that all the half-baked ideas in the Fairdale video are way more creative & interesting than the narrowly-constrained and already-done ideas the "design" teams are gonna come up with.

PS "design" = engineering stripped of all the pesky math and common sense.

Regular guy - QR stem is to turn the handlbar when folded. Finally found some folded photos on line - goofy fold. At least when they steal your cockpit and seat, you'll still have your wheels- cuz who has a 15mm wrench?

Daniel - It's a win/win if the designer gets a 3% royalty on every bike sold. They're exploring other side of crowdsourcing.

RCT ++ lol! I do mine riding Ti Baby.

Ha! Get all Cro-Magnon indeed. How very anti-paleo! He does have some great habits, and its true vegans do win the right to wear the save the planet superman underwear.BUTI love love love to eat. Right?!?

Every once in a blue moon I still crave a seared HOT on the outside bloody rare on the inside tenderloin. In all of it's oxidative stress on my body glory. Does that make it a cardinal sin of sorts? It's my seafood addiction that's contributing to the enormous strain on the oceans.

Walk through any real city (Portland does not count) and look at the bikes locked up. Seems to be an awful lot of crap. In my neck of the woods out in the square states the perfect city bike seems to be the Wal-Mart Next "full" suspension "mountain" bike. Form follow function and if the function is to be cheap ass transportation that's faster than walking then the POS Next wins.

Hmmm... That Jamis has got me thinking... If I mount my rakish long reach stem upside down then mate it to some bars with a fairly high rise, then I'd be well on the way to winning the next crazy cockpit contest. Bwaah Ha Ha!

OMG. THANK YOU for speaking some truth about OM 2014. I live in Portland, got over the me-bike-me-cool thing years ago and came SO close to applying for a job in a suburb of Kansas City last year because I am drowning in a sea of hipsters. (Taking the KC gig would've cost me my marriage so no dice. But I did think about it, if only to escape the Blob that is PDX Chic.)You made my day with this one. God bless you.

sadly anon 9:37, you've presented one of the great fallacies of western thinking, "i'm a (fookin' idiot), therefore everyone else also is a..." what you miss is the girls are clever enough to recognize the idiots right away, and not get involved.

"Whatever works"? I'm guessing by how stretched out those cables are, that this photo was staged by flipping that suitably Fredly rising stem. At any rate, Colnago rendered obsolete and woosie, any stem slammers after 1980 with this

In only one city out of four can people smile. Can't tell from Snob's captions which city it is. Why do 20 somethings almost always look so severe when they have their photo taken? Is it some kind of unwritten cool code or something?

First 6 number of the captcha are Bridget Bardot's measurements I think. HUGE!

Sponsored Linkway:

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!