Sports

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Saying the rookie running back was merely “working through something,” members of the Minnesota Vikings coaching staff told reporters Tuesday that they are not going to panic over a flickering Dalvin Cook.

WEST LAFAYETTE, IN–Michigan holder Garrett Moores is fucking sick of giving little pep talks to his team’s kicker every time he misses a field goal, sources confirmed during Saturday’s game between Michigan and Purdue.

NASHVILLE, TN—Stressing the importance of the fan base’s health and wellbeing, Vanderbilt University chancellor Nicholas Zeppos advised Commodore football fans Thursday to get vaccinated before the team’s Southeastern Conference road schedule begins next week.

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

OAKLAND, CA—Saying that team doctors had confirmed their worst fears after initially seeing the color commentator pull up lame, CBS revealed Sunday that Dan Fouts would miss the remainder of the regular season after blowing out his larynx on a routine anecdote.

CHICAGO—Disappointed and irritated by his half-hearted display of fandom, sources reported Tuesday that local man Paul Winslow must have thought that it was enough to wear a Chicago Blackhawks jersey to a Chicago Cubs game.

NEW YORK—Demonstrating their callous indifference to human suffering, the cruel broadcast gods ripped away CBS’ bonus coverage of Sunday’s game between the Raiders and Titans, sources confirmed this afternoon.

Chris Bosh Out For Season After Cutting Open Knee To See How It Works

TORONTO—The Raptors medical staff announced Tuesday that Chris Bosh will miss the rest of the season after the inquisitive forward cut open his knee with a steak knife in an effort to look inside and see how the joint works. "There's a lot more stuff in there than I thought," said Bosh, who after finishing the surgery attempted to stop the bleeding by wrapping an entire roll of toilet paper around his knee. "It probably needs all those meaty-looking ropes so it can bend. And look in this pickle jar—I kind of had to use some pressure to get it started turning, but I had no idea that I could unscrew my kneecap. Pretty cool, huh?" While recovering from the significant ligament and cartilage damage, Bosh said he plans to undergo a procedure to detect early signs of colorectal cancer by shoving a digital camera up his ass.

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SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

SUN PRAIRIE, WI—According to shocked and disgusted sources, local couple Graham and Allison Finlay partake in a bizarre presex ritual where they tuck both of their kids into bed and then kiss them goodnight.