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Dear New York Realtors,
Hi, I’m moving to the city, but not for a few months. Still, never hurts to be prepared, so I figured I would check out stuff, like different areas to live and the cost of rent, etc.
The one thing I can’t help but get caught up on is this whole “job” thing.
See, a lot of you want current pay stubs from your job. Well, in order to move out there from my current location in LA, I would hafta quit a job, so… see, what I’m getting at?
I can’t get a job in New York, until I have someplace to live there.
I can’t get a place to live there unless I have a job.
How- so, um… how does that work exactly?
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Potential Employers,
… hire me? Oh, I’m sorry, where is my sense of professionalism? Hire me, please.
See, I’m not gonna lie to you. Am I the perfect employee? No.
Am I probably gonna show up to work hungover? Most definitely.
But here’s the thing, and I don’t mean to sound cocky or anything, but most of the jobs that I’ve been turned down for?
A monkey could do them. Not even a super-smart one. I’m talking the monkey who graduated last in his class from monkey college.
(Side note, how cute does monkey college sound? Ooh, and their graduation ceremony? Little chimps throwin’ their little graduation hats in the air… okay, I’ve lost focus, back to the point at hand)
I’ve been hearing a lot of “over-qualified” which, I must admit, I’m a little confused on. Over-qualified is… bad? I mean, I’m choosing to work in a place that they won’t hire me because they, what, want better things for me? Well, if I’m over-qualified just about everywhere I go, that kinda leaves me broke and job-less.
What level of over-qualification means you can’t get a job anywhere?
If by “over-qualified” you mean “we’re not willing to pay you what you’re worth in the working world,” that’s cool too. I’ll take a serious salary cut because, well, right now, I don’t have a salary.
Think about our talk. If I don’t get a job soon, I may hafta get another degree just to put off adulthood.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Monday,
Personally, I think you’ve always gotten a bad wrap.
I mean, did I love the start of a new school week? Not necessarily, and I’m pretty sure if I worked a monotonous 9 to 5 job, I’d hate you too, but ya know what?
Why am I gonna blame you for the fact that my own life sucks?
It just doesn’t seem fair.
Besides, what’s so rough about this Monday?
I’ve been awake for about an hour so far and already, my stuff from Amazon came and I got word that I made it into that super nerdy academic conference about comics, religion, and politics.
So far, I’m a fan. Keep it up, Monday.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear LA Job Market,
I, uh, couldn’t help but notice the situation with your job postings, LA industry folks.
See, in order to apply for even an entry-level position, you require 1 to 2 years of job experience in the industry.
Now, if everyone requires that for their entry-level positions, how does one get 1 to 2 years of experience? See the conundrum here?
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Potential Employers,
After working hard on my resumé yesterday, I discovered something.
I hate working.
Well, not so much hate at it as, I find it tedious as hell.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ll get the job done and all that, but seriously? If you expect me to come in there and kiss your ass as to why I’d love to work there? Well, you’re probably gonna be disappointed.
Sure, there are some places I’d love to work, but who are we kidding? Most of these applications are made more out of necessity than sheer desire.
Still, try not to hold it against me if I’m not as sycophantic as the rest of your interviewees.
Sincerely,
Calhoun