Houston can't make Jell-O shots worth beans. Now, should the twin-torpedo'd starlet be called upon to best her record diddling of 620 dudes, well, you'd better duck, cover and hang on to your BVDs. Nasal-voiced burnout and alleged cable-access personality Colin Malone tinkles away a truly delish concept with his porno-friendly cooking show that fails miserably to be entertaining and is only fleetingly sexy. And that's JUST if there's erotic value in witnessing Mr. Malone cram his tittering, stubbled mug against Houston's chest so she can poor vodka across her cavernous cleavage and down his gullet. Actually, vodka's a central ingredient in all three vignettes. Vivid's Raylene knocks back a generous glass before returning to work behind dual George Foreman Grills while gal-pal Chandler dominates the evening with an engrossing tour of adult "novelties." Also, her cat-like technique for post-din-din clean up is both enthusiastic and effective. Playboy Playmate-turned squealing triple-X queen Teri Weigel's preparation of double-fudge brownies (with vodka, of course) takes on a patriotic theme with her red, white 'n' blue peek-a-boo apron and matching oven mitts. Only her segment comes close to truly COOKING with porn stars and even THEN none of this remotely skirts must-see territory. Except perhaps for the amusing bonus episode of "Colin's Sleazy Friends" featuring a juiced-up Ms. Weigel who simulates a not-so-loving act with porn perennial Ron Jeremy. CineSchlockers whose curiosity simply won't yield might instead consider enduring Colin's Sleazy Friends: Raw and Extreme. Eight breasts. Excessive nipple licking. Banana fellating. One prophylactic party balloon. Reefer madness. With certain parts of her anatomy at full attention, Ms. Weigel proudly proclaims, "United States of America! We SALUTE you!" Rent It.