I am doing a bit of a solid for an old friend and agreed to advertise some GREAT Cardinal ticket deals in both price (DISCOUNTED!) and event (OPENING WEEKEND – CUBS!) to aid him in a fundraiser for his youth sports program.

2.) Cardinals/Cubs is always a great rivalry, (even if that team up north isn’t) and this game will surely sellout!!

1.) Additionally, you could certainly resell such a HOTTICKET to fans of both teams (for no more than retail value – of course…) who will surely be looking to score some, leading up to that date – especially after selling out – which is almost guaranteed when these two play

Get your tickets now and help a local youth program raise some funds as well!!!

4.) Car Salesman – I’ve done everything but sign the papers and test-drive my last three online. A partially trained monkey can slide me a pen and offer me a soda… and probably be more honest about it.

3.) Receptionist at the pizza joint – if you can’t afford the internet, you probably shouldn’t be calling for a pizza in the first place.

2.) Pornographic Magazine Publisher – do I really need to explain?

1.) Weatherman – everything I used to rely on you for (temperature, forecast, school closings, traffic and even pictures of ALL!) is now provided in realtime by thousands of mothers on social media.

Share this:

5.) Lea Michele – Yes, I’m aware that she is very much alive, and I surely hope this doesn’t prove to be one of those “touch of death” moments like when I killed off Fred “Rerun” Berry by paying $19-on a website to have him call and wish my brother a happy 28th-birthday… true story.

This one is a technicality whereas this gal’s career has benefited greatly from the death of her boyfriend, and Glee costar, Cory Monteith.

This isn’t her fault and I’m not blaming her for accepting the benefit… just a fact.

4.) Artie Lange – Uhm… what? He’s still alive? (… wait for it.)

3.) Kurt Cobain – Not only is the music just not that good, David Grohl was the true genius in that band and Soundgarden was 10x’s better as a “grunge” band out of Seattle.

Don’t eat a bullet and Cobain is “just a guy” in my less than humble opinion.

2.) John F. Kennedy – I have heard that it wasn’t even until recently (relatively speaking) that historians felt comfortable admitting this, but he just wasn’t some “great” U.S. President, and that’s not even TOUCHING on his failures as a husband and man.

Tragic event… MOST CERTAINLY.

Great President… most certainly NOT.

1.) Elvis Presley – Okay, I know he was HIGHLY acclaimed well BEFORE his death, but I just can’t stand Elvis – or more accurately – the “aura” of Elvis, if you will.

Music is obviously subjective, but I personally consider most of his shit hokey at best, and find the only ones I actually do enjoy – were done better by somebody else.

Furthermore, I’m not driving to some gaudy mansion in a Memphis ghetto to cry my pathetic eyes out on birthdays and death anniversaries for ANYBODY in the entertainment industry who is not directly related to me, and if YOU are… seek help immediately after reading this!