October 8, 2010

There are wishes we've had since the beginning of wishing, and some that are born right this instant, wishes that if they came true would make all the difference in the life of the wisher or wishes that make no matter to the bigger picture.

Today is my birthday.

When I blew out all 34 candles I made a wish, as I have for the 33 years before. I squeezed my eyes tight for a second and threw my whole being into that wish. I pictured all that stood in the way of my wish-come-true-ending. I pictured how far I have come and how much further I have yet to go. I thought about the pain in last year's wish that did not come true. I thought about how much I am still recovering from that lost wish. Last year's wish was big, but not-so-big...it was almost realized but then slipped inexplicably from my horizon.

Now mine is a small wish. I am not idealistic enough to wish for world peace, or the end of hunger, or a better economy, or the end to oil spills, or even for my 20-year-old body to magically reappear in the mirror. No, it is a small wish.

And because I am not a superstitious person, I can share my wish here. It is simple: no more wishing.

I have hopes and dreams, but I will not wish anymore. Wishing has only reminded me of the things I do not have, the things I have lost, the person I will never be. A wish, to me, is telling myself that I am not enough, that the world is not enough. It is propaganda. It is self-defeating. It is a child's dream.

I am here, in this moment, achieving exactly what I have achieved -- no more, no less. And that is absolutely enough.

This is my gift to myself today. It is freedom to be who I am. It is an affirmation of the wonderful person I am right this second. If all the seconds that follow are as blessed as the ones before, then I am all right. I am fine and optimistic and I am thankful.

Tonight I raise a solitary glass in a toast to my new world founded on reality and careful planning for the future -- a world without wishing but still full of hope, a world full of spankings and spooning afterward. This world, for me, holds more love and friendship than any star in the cosmos could ever grant.