Archive for the Life Coaching Category

I’ve been working the same job for 10 years now. My co-workers just threw me a celebration party on my anniversary. During the party I just felt like I had to put on a fake smile. I’m so sick of my job! A few of my co-worker friends know that I’m getting anxious to do something else and have been supportive. The trouble is, I just don’t know what I’m passionate about anymore. It used to be writing, then I was into fixing cars, I had a stint with making music, and I’ve even considered becoming a pastor! I’m a little all over the place. Job opportunities are plenty here, but I don’t know what fits. I’ll probably end up staying with this job until I die. Should I just give up looking for a job that excites me? Yes, you are a “little all over the place” as you say, so my advice for you at this time is to stay put. Don’t make a change until you’re certain of where you want to head, and where you want to land, once you set out on a new path. Replacing a job of 10 years often, but not always, means taking a pay cut and losing the benefits you have built up over 10 years at one job. You wouldn’t want to take that step, only to regret it later. When you mention all the activities you enjoy such as writing, fixing cars, making music and becoming a pastor, how much of those things are you doing in your leisure time? Sometimes discontent in a job points to a general discontent with how you are living your life. Choose to live your life more fully. Once again, open the door to exploring things you feel passionate about. Incorporate the […]

I can’t stand the horrible drivers in this town! Half the people on the road aren’t paying attention. They are either on their cell phones or are just half asleep. Today I almost ran into a woman who pulled right out in front of me in her giant SUV. I had to slam on the brakes to avoid her. She didn’t even see me! I started screaming at her in my car. I had the windows rolled up but I kept yelling and honking. My wife, who was with me, had to calm me down. I think I scared my wife. I know I have a touch of road rage. It’s hard to deal with awful drivers, but what can I do when a driver cuts me off and I feel the anger boiling to the surface? Hmmmm, you may have a problem here, but then again, if I had to slam on the brakes to avoid an accident, I’d be screaming too, and would probably throw out a few curse words! Yet, you were raging to the level of scaring your passenger? That is telling. Do you think your level of anger and intensity could point to something deeper going on in your life? Let’s explore that… Do you find yourself getting explosively angry over other uncontrollable events in your life? Is your general demeanor cranky and agitated, or angry? If you or your wife are noticing other times when your anger reaches a “scary” level of intensity, take a look at what else may be feeding your stress. Are you stressed with work? Are you sleep deprived? Are there other physical or mental stresses at play in your life? To reduce your angry outbursts on the road and in other areas of life, try these 5 things: 1. […]

Many years ago my brother was murdered, in what we suspect, was a drug deal gone bad. The police ended up finding his killer and he’s been in jail without parole since. Everyday I think of my brother and what he would say to me if he were alive. I’m still mad at him for putting himself in such bad circumstances. I don’t know what he was thinking. It was so dangerous doing what he was. I feel an emptiness without him here. Why am I still so angry after all this time? We are always angriest with the people we love the most. You loved your brother. It’s understandable that you feel angry with him for his part in ending his life, an ending that took him away from you. It’s good that you’re allowing yourself to feel these feelings of anger and emptiness. It reminds me of that saying, “the only way out is through.” Sometimes the way to move beyond painful emotions is to dive deeper in to them. Allow them to resurface and move you toward healing. What you’re experiencing is the resurgence of a smoldering emotional pain. The pain of losing your brother that you have probably covered over with a degree of denial, so that you didn’t have to re-live the acute pain of your loss and grief that you first felt when he died. Often, we like to avoid emotional pain. Yet, just as a broken bone can take months and years to heal, painful emotions also need time to resolve; and just like the broken bone, a break in our emotional countenance will take time to heal. Many persons find physical pain and suffering easier to cope with than emotional pain. In order to tamp down emotional pain they might hold on […]

My best friend started dating this boy. We are in 7th grade and I think she’s doing in to fit in. Other girls in our class are staring to go on dates. My friend and I have been really close since grade school. I don’t think this boy is her type. She has been trying to get me to hook up with one of his friends. No thanks! Some of his friends are ok but most of them are stupid. I really miss spending time with my friend because she is always with this guy. Last year she said she hated boys and that we would be together forever. I just don’t understand. Should I get a boyfriend so she will be jealous? It sounds as if you are questioning your friend’s statement that “she hated boys” and that you “would be together forever.” Did that sound to you like she was somehow romantically interested in or attracted to you? Are you interested in your girlfriend in that way? Do you have a “crush” on her but find boys stupid and uninteresting? You’re the age to be discovering your sexuality, that being, whether you’re gay or straight. This can be scary and confusing, but answer these 3 questions to help you understand your sexual orientation: 1. Who do you “crush on”? 2. Who do you fantasize about? 3. Who do you feel romantic toward? If you find yourself attracted to girls, and not boys, don’t get down on yourself. Seek out understanding and supportive friends and adults who can help you honor and understand your being attracted to a same-sex person. Particularly challenging can be a young person who is realizing they may be gay, yet that is in conflict with the beliefs of their family or religion. If this is […]

My brother wanders around the country moving from homeless shelter to homeless shelter and I feel guilty that the family has essentially abandoned him. He’s burned his bridges and each of us could tell a story of how we tried to help him but he just never tried to help himself. We’ve all closed our doors to him and pretty much given up on him. His main problem is alcohol and never wanting to sober up and get a job. He’s lazy and seems ok with mooching off people or the system whenever he can. He’s been in rehab numerous times but his efforts at staying sober never last. I sometimes think he likes his life of wandering around using up services and people only to move on to the next place once they’re fed up with him. It’s like he feels like he’s owed help and none of this is his fault. I think that attitude is the main reason the family has had it with him. His attitude that we owe him something for his doing nothing has burned us all out. So why do I feel bad that we’ve all abandoned him? My other siblings feel that he’s made his own bed and deserves his life of homelessness. It doesn’t seem to bother them like it does me. Is there something else I can do to help him turn his life around or how do I let go of feeling guilty that I’ve not been there for him? Your question touches on many aspects of the plight of homelessness and shares the reality from the family perspective. It’s not uncommon for family to burn out and pull away when their attempts at helping just keep falling backward. While many things can lead to homelessness, the number one […]

When I was about 20 years old my Dad decided to cheat on my Mom and run off with his secretary. It came as a huge shock to everyone as it appeared my parents were incredibly close. There was absolutely no warning. My Mom filed for divorce shortly after it happened and I was totally on her side! It’s been 12 years since the cheating scandal and I haven’t talked to my Dad once. He’s tried to write me several times and I just throw the letters away. My older brother visit’s him regularly but I just can’t forgive what he did. I can’t understand how he could betray our family like that. The problem is, as I’ve gotten older I’ve been thinking of starting my own family. I’m still mad at my Dad, but I’m tired of being angry. I’m beginning to feel like I should forgive him, if only for my sake. I feel like he might have some explanation as to why he did what he did, however bad I think it is. Is it time to forgive my Dad? Yes, with what you’ve written about your Dad, and where you’re at in this stage of your life, it is time to move toward forgiveness. The notion of “moving toward” is key here. Forgiveness is a process, so don’t expect to reconnect with your Dad and immediately feel ready to forgive him for cheating on your Mom. Give yourselves time to refashion a new father, son relationship. After all, it’s been 12 years since the two of you even had a conversation. At 32 years old, you are a different person than you were at 20. Build your new relationship with conversation that includes sharing your feelings about how his betrayal affected you. If he empathizes with […]

I have test Anxiety and I want to know how it can be improved. I feel like the more my test anxiety kinda kicks in the worse I get and when I do test I feel like my anxiety gets in the way and that’s why I do so bad on my tests and quizzes. Previously when I take tests I have to take them outside of the room and I don’t like it. I feel unincluded and I feel like my anxiety raises. Thnx You may have read my previous blog titled, “Test Anxiety? The 3 Common Causes,” but if you haven’t, review that and it will help you get into the mindset needed to conquer this. In addition, try these 7 ways to get a grip on your anxiety over tests: 1. Study well in advance. Don’t wait until the last minute to study for a test, as this will only increase your anxiety. Focus instead, on setting study goals as tests and quizzes are scheduled. Keep up with the goals you have set for yourself as a way to reduce any “last minute” anxiety. 2. Take a practice test. Simulate the test environment at home or even try it out in the library where there are people around. Get your pencils and supplies together and do a practice run-through in your mind of what you think the test environment will feel like. If you can get in to the classroom you will be taking the test in, go in and sit by yourself. In your mind go through the steps of taking the test. As you do this, be mindful of any anxiety you feel so that you can work to calm yourself. 3. Practice calming your anxiety. Whether you’re running through your practice test, or just […]

I have test Anxiety and I want to know how it can be improved. I feel like the more my test anxiety kinda kicks in the worse I get and when I do test I feel like my anxiety gets in the way and that’s why I do so bad on my tests and quizzes. Previously when I take tests I have to take them outside of the room and I don’t like it. I feel unincluded and I feel like my anxiety raises. Thnx I’m so sorry to hear that you have to deal with this, but thanks for sending your question because there are sure to be others who struggle with test anxiety as you do. You’re smart to want to turn this around, because the longer it goes on, the harder it gets to do just that. But, I’m confident that you can tackle this and get it under control. First, I want you to get yourself in the mindset of feeling confident. You can beat this. Think positive thoughts as you read further. 3 Common causes of test anxiety Only you know what triggers this for you, but most commonly, people who’ve had trouble with test anxiety fall in to 3 categories: 1. Past history of test anxiety. Their past history of trouble with test anxiety sets them up for future problems. The one time we felt we couldn’t handle our anxiety, can make it harder to step up to the plate and stay calm the next time around. Can you remember the first time your anxiety took hold of you? What was happening? What were you thinking? Did you react in a way that was embarrassing to you? Did it make you concerned about what the other students thought of you? Answering this list of […]

My family has been invited to my first cousin’s wedding this spring. It looks like a lot of fun and a bunch of my extended relatives are going but there’s one big problem, it directly conflicts with our son’s basketball tournament. The tournament is a rare opportunity for our high-schooler to show off his skills in front of some college coaches. It could possibly mean a scholarship for him. Our whole family is close and I know they will be upset if we don’t go, but basketball is also very important to my son. Is there any way to make everyone happy? My short response is that your first priority is to your son, not the family wedding. If you attend the basketball tournament, and your family get upset when you’re not at the wedding, so be it. While there is no way to make everyone happy when you have a hard choice to make, that’s not to say that the family will be upset with you. If the family feels disappointed that you had a conflict, that’s not the same as saying that they disagree with your choice or are even disgruntled over your decision not to attend the wedding. Your family members may simply wish that you could be at the wedding to enjoy the good times and create memories together. I guarantee, you won’t be the only family member who has a conflict and is unable to attend. Another option could be to split up your family with one parent going to the wedding and the other going to the basketball tournament. Whatever your choice, reframe your thinking on this. Don’t assume that your family will be upset. Assume instead that they understand you had a conflict and made the best decision you could, even if they […]

Dear Joan, My Grandmother and I have always been very close. She is definitely the “matriarch” of our large family. I’ve always held her up on a pedestal, because she’s my hero. She’s persevered through a LOT of hard times, and she’s always done it with grace. I love her. I try to emulate her strength in my own life, though I don’t always succeed. Recently, I went through a divorce. It wasn’t a nasty one, because he decided to just move home to his parents’ house, 600 miles away. He hasn’t been back, and he’s no longer a part of our 3 kids’ lives. He’s chosen an addiction to alcohol over his children, and while it’s been a difficult transition for me and the kids, that’s not why I’m writing you. You see, shortly after my ex-husband left, my oldest daughter and I got into an argument. I demanded she hand over her phone for being disrespectful (for 30 minutes). She refused and took off running for her bedroom downstairs to hide the phone. I followed, and there was a push/shove battle at her bedroom door, which came off the hinges. I then went into her room, very angry at that point, and tried to spank her. Key word… tried. She was 15 at the time, and it wasn’t happening. I didn’t hit her other than the attempted spanking. My other two kids who were 4&5 came downstairs to see what was going on, and I didn’t want them in the middle of that mess, so I left the room without the phone, winded and angry as hell. She wouldn’t tell me where she hid the phone. My daughter then called my mom and asked her to come get her. This is where things get ugly. My mother SHOULD […]