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In case you haven’t heard, today is Ash Wednesday: the day when good little Catholic girls and boys make New Year’s resolutions in an effort for repentance. I certainly wish someone had reminded me of this before I leaned over to the girl sitting next to me in my Human Sexuality class to tell her she had something on her forehead. She laughed. I thought she was crazy.

I've got some/dirt on my forehead/could you brush it off for me?

At any rate, I got to thinking about what things I could go about losing. Here’s my favorites. For this year’s lent I will give up:

My Virginity: Yes. I know. Hard to believe that resident sexpert Norman “the sex” Stein is still a virgin. But like the virgin mother Mary, I’ve just been biding my time until I’ve met the most powerful person I can think of to take my v-card. Mary had God. For me, no less than Morty “8-inch appendage” Schapiro will suffice, making us about even. By Easter, I plan on making something rise, if you know what I mean.

My Sense of Irony: Hipsters be damned. I can go 40 days without blaming my guilty pleasures on some abstract form of irony. And for those of you saying. “But Norm! You’re not Catholic. Isn’t this whole post ir-” NO.

Liking on Facebook: Most of my likes are based on my sense of irony anyways.