For those tip-of-the-tongue moments when you're surfing the Zeitgeist but can't quite remember where you are, here is malapropism for the 21st-century. Compiled by Christopher Norris. All views expressed are my own

Voters have strong views about immigration, like the lady in Rochdale, but sometimes the public's instinct for a policy is not the real picture. This is one reason why we elect politicians, to investigate problems and make informed decisions.

On the other hand, the public will be making the ultimate decision next Thursday in polling booths around the country.

Mary Wesley famously churned out unpublished novels up until her 70th year when finally her public career was launched with a bestseller. Thereafter she wrote a novel a year to huge readerships for the next two decades.

Pablo Picasso kept painting through his various periods from the beginning of his career as a young cubist until the end of his long life in 1973.

What keep the critics occupied is comparing talented people against their own skill at various points in their lives. The greatest geniuses may be those people who expertise is equally celebrated at all points of the lives.

This may be seen initially as trivial, as playground antics, but when his rivals smelt a rat, Mr Figes instructed his lawyers to sue for libel in an attempt to smother their reaction. This tactic backfired when he was forced after a fortnight of posturing to admit his authorship of the caustic reviews.

Such behaviour goes down like Agent Orange in the academic world. Mr Figes is unfortunate in that the extremes of his behaviour will serve as a warning and a case study to other authors similarly tempted to bash competitors' books.

In an increasingly wired world, online reviews can matter: as Mr Service has said, 'there is such a thing as negative publicity' as sales of his book did not benefit from a 'dead-cat bounce' from curious readers wondering if the criticism was over the top. In other words, during the two-week siege, sales of Mr Service's book tanked.

Hmm. If wonder if the lawyers will now pursue Mr Figes, who is now on compassionate leave of ill-health grounds from his post at Birkbeck University?

3D television programming may be great for communal sports fandom in pubs and clubs shown on large screens, but it will be a big shift in family life for everyone to wear tinted glasses gathered around smaller sets.

Monday, 19 April 2010

Who knows? But you can now download your own 'Nick is Barack', 'Clegg is Churchill' and 'Nick is Che' posters from the web. The blogosphere news cycle is spinning at warp speed, but the froth of a new-kid-on-the-block story solidify from exuberant pastiche to solid change in the next few days.

Someday in the distant future there will be a bestselling, warts-and-all biography on the life and times of Oprah Winfrey. But 'distant future' is the defining phrase here, even as arch-reputation puncturer Kitty Kelley's book hits the stores.

When this mortal coil forces Ms Winfrey beyond the reach of her lawyers, publishers will finally have a field day. Protective shields around stars create mystery that the media loves to destroy. The second law of thermodynamics applies to celebrities too: the entropy of the universe of gossip is always increasing.

But this is, for the moment, heady froth after a successful Clegg debate performance. The interesting test will be what the polls say in a few days' time, the next official sample being published on Sunday.

Thursday, 15 April 2010

Arrange for a volcano to erupt in Iceland, creating a dust cloud sufficiently large and treacherous to down every aeroplane in Britain today and for the foreseeable future. Geology succeeded where UNITE failed.

Joking apart, the travel chaos proves that life doesn't stop for political PR and that planet Earth is ultimately in control.

Tuesday, 13 April 2010

He doesn't want to trample on his own reputation in the States as a champion of the people and celebrity activist when it come to not endorsing products, especially made by controversial companies like Nestlé.

Does anyone actually want the extra responsibility of voting in new police officers, sacking incompetent teachers, running schools, or firing the local MP? One top of doing your own job? The only people with the time or inclination to do this will be rich socialites with right-wing agendas. And who decides the criteria with which standards can be judged?

There are precedents ... Russell Brand, Mr Ross' evil twin, is forging a career as an actor in Hollywood; and Kevin Spacey acts in Hollywood movies in part to support his work as artistic director at the Old Vic.

This seems like a great idea for growing new ideas and, perhaps, business ventures. Maybe there is some talent you would like to express that you haven't had the chance to air? For the fee of $5, you can learn on the job to some extent, as clients won't begrudge blowing such a small amount on commissioned work. And some interesting contacts might be made.

The symbolism? Brown has a 'team to return him as Prime Minister'; Cameron wants to 'hide his team in his ambition to be Prime Minister'; Nick Clegg wants to 'show off Vince Cable as a potential Chancellor of the Exchequer'.

So it's a month of kissing babies, having cups of tea in semi-detached houses, and being hijacked by hecklers of opposite party hues. And come 6 May 2010, all this effort will boil down to a few dozen key marginals and the need for the Conservatives to gain a national swing of 6.9 per cent.

Fast-forward all the debate, play the odd gaffe in real time (and on YouTube), read the odd policy that relates directly to your material wealth, and moan in the pub over the odd pint, and the real world will soon hove into view once more on 7 May 2010 (or at least once the hung parliament coalition has been negotiated).

Prediction time: David Tennant won't be featuring on British television until Matt Smith is firmly established as the new incarnation of Doctor Who. And, when he does, it will be in a radically different role.

There will now follow a period of vicious ranting and name-calling on blogs and in the press, including speculation about whether the sculpture merits planning permission. A lengthy row about the waste of public funds will morph into resigned indifference.