He’s like the best possible mix of Peter Griffin, Captain America, and Neil Degrasse Tyson. He’s slightly rounded, somewhat crude and obtuse, almost as funny as he thinks he is, a know-it-all who doesn’t mind letting you know it, and honorable and dependable as the day is long. With Tom, you might not finish first, but at least you’ll finish! Provided he’s not too tired.

Tom! He’s presentable! He doesn’t embarrass himself in public (that often)! He’s financially solvent (if a little strained in the bank account)! In the event of a zombie apocalypse, you can probably outrun him, then be able to convince yourself afterward that he slowed down on purpose as a noble, romantic gesture!

Tom! He’s the man in charge! Well, he works for the person in charge, and that person has a number of people above them in the chain of command, but that’s really, really close to almost being something to be proud of!

Tom! He’s a published, bestselling author! Well, published as in self-published, and bestselling as in using Amazon accounting tricks to hit the bestseller list for part of a whole day! That’s right, ladies, he’s a decidedly midlist author . . . of niche science fiction . . . not represented by any major publisher!

Tom! He’s handy around the house, when you can get him to finish a project, and you very probably won’t have to call an actual carpenter/plumber/general contractor to repair what he did!

Tom! He’s hardly ever an asshole to you! Not because he doesn’t have the courage of his convictions which may disagree with you, but mostly because he’s deathly afraid of dying alone!

Tom! You can probably do better, but come on! That shit is hard, and — believe it or not — there are actually worse choices out there!

* Note: “settle” does not mean “settle down”. Face it, ladies, he’s not much of a guy, but he’s still a guy!

Just who is this guy?

Thomas Allen Mays is the Improbable Author of "A Sword Into Darkness", "Demigod", "Lancers Into The Light", and numerous short stories here on the web, such as "Strategic Deployment", "Dreams for Sale -- Two Bits!", "The Rememberists", "Bumped", "Within This Horizon" and others.
When he's not writing, he works on the east coast, Somewhere Unspecified, doing Something For The Navy. He plans not to dwell on it here, but they'll probably have to resurrect Robert Mitchum or Gregory Peck to play him in a movie, because Tom Cruise just doesn't have the gravitas. What he prefers to do with his time, however, is play with his three beautiful kids his rambunctious mutt, or avoid working on the lawn.