The Doctor is a Time Lord[1] from the planetGallifrey in the constellation Superfluous. He is 903 years old[2], and serves in the capacities of saviour of lives[3] and guardian of justice—as well as your host on the BBC1 documentary Doctor Who.

The Doctor was born between a Time Lord father and a genetic construction device "mother", on the planet Gallifrey. His father wanted him to be a doctor or a lawyer, and forced him to study at Gallifrey Medical University's citadel campus. However, he instead developed an interest in gadgetry and time travel, a paradoxically taboo subject amongst the Time Lords[4], and transferred to the Time Lord Academy. He built his own time-travelling TARDIS, which he gave away and then subsequently stole back. One day, he would be able to brag to inferior beings that he built the TARDIS, and subsequently confuse them by also saying that he stole it.

Just then, the Daleks, then a peaceful race of exterminators, went to war with the Time Lords, due to a horrible misunderstanding of the word "Time Lord," which in fact meant "termite" in the Dalek language. The Doctor escaped with his TARDIS, and he landed on Earth, specifically London, New Year's Day, 1963, and adopted Susan Foreman as his granddaughter, taking her last name to form his false Earth identity, "Doctor Foreman." At this point, the TARDIS became stuck in the shape of a police box.

Four months afterwards, he was confronted by Scotland Yard on the crime of maintaining a false police box. Scotland Yard, however, found no records of "Doctor Foreman". Naturally, this immediately caught the eye of the BBC, which was looking for ways to further scare and disorient their viewers, having reported a few years before on the curious phenomenon of the annual spaghetti harvest. The Doctor signed a media release with the BBC, and thus the documentary Doctor Who was born[5]. The show was to deal with the Doctor's adventures as he went on a personal voyage through our universe, thereby beating Carl Sagan by several years.

The Doctors Who

Presented below are the incarnations of the Doctor, documented throughout the series and films of Doctor Who.

First Doctor: played by William Hartnell, character actor, and pictured in traditional Time Lord garb. The Daleks were featured in the second episode of the series, as mutant survivors of a Tesco clearance sale, complete with toilet plungers. The Doctor easily wiped out the entire Dalek race, and again, and again. The Doctor eventually encountered the Cybermen, a unique race whose brain tissue was integrated into their tin foil bodies. The Cybermen would poison the Doctor with their lead paint, forcing him to regenerate.

Second Doctor: played by Peter Cushing, and pictured while suffering a wink seizure. This incarnation went through a deja vu experience, reliving some of the First Doctor's life, and was featured only in feature films. He was also a human rather than a Time Lord, rendering him incapable of regenerating when he was suddenly faced with a legion of Roman soldiers.

Third Doctor: played by Patrick Troughton, and pictured robbing from the rich. A Sherlock Holmes imitator, the Third Doctor was of inadequate skill at playing the violin, instead turning to the recorder to annoy his enemies. The Doctor easily wiped out the Dalek race one more time. Both this violation of the Time Lords' non-interference policy and his silly haircut were what really resulted in his exile to Earth forced by the Time Lords, as well as his regeneration. Thus, the Third Doctor was the only incarnation of the Doctor whose sense of fashion was literally criminal. He claimed to be 450 years old.

Fourth Doctor: played by Jon Pertwee, who, as pictured, brought colour to the series. He claimed to be thousands of years old; when considered in conjunction with the age of the previous incarnation, this established a Gallifrey year as approximately 0.06 seconds. Now restricted to Earth and unable to explore the universe for the time being, he decided to gain fame and ratings with what the BBC internally referred to as the Alien-Invasion-a-Month project. One such Alien-Invasion spiralled out of control, however, when the Doctor invited an old schoolmate he had known back at the Academy, the Master, failing to consider the fact that the Master was actually malevolent. However, the Master would not cause the Doctor's regeneration, which occurred after the Doctor's attempts to kill a spider[6].

Fifth Doctor: played unwittingly by a chorus of Daleks and Cybermen in their human alter ego Nicholas Briggs, only on audio. Briggs as pictured is a computer-generated image specifically designed for public events. However, eventually the Daleks exterminated every Cyberman, turning the Fifth Doctor into a chorus of only Daleks.

Sixth Doctor: under the alias "Jon Culshaw" in his post-regeneration traumatised state, he believed he was still restricted to Earth, and appeared in a sketch series called Dead Ringers, which involved the Doctor in various situations in which he mistook wardrobes for TARDISes, attempted to take a Eurorail train to Gallifrey, and was forced to live with Cybermen. This allowed the Doctor to live out fantasies of going back on intergalactic adventures.

Seventh Doctor: played by Tom Baker. Unaware that his wardrobe (pictured) and manic demeanor were meant to be suited to a comedy show, the Doctor retained them. Most often he was assisted by a Time Lady, Romana (also pictured), and a robotic dog, K-9. At one time, Romana underwent a series of rapid consecutive regenerations, which sparked much controversy as wasting bodies. However, this was disclosed to have been a side effect of an anti-aging medication she had been taking. The Doctor regenerated after accidentally slipping off a radio telescope tower in the story "Legopolis"; conspiracy theorists believe, however, that this "accident" was deliberately planned by the BBC after accountants found that Doctor Who was four million pounds over-budget, due to a large expense under "Jelly Babies." The Seventh Doctor still is the most popular and beloved incarnation of the Doctor, and has been featured in The Simpsons, Family Guy, Dead Ringers (as portrayed by the Sixth Doctor), and Doctor Who, most frequently in the last.

Eighth Doctor: played by Peter Davison, and pictured trying to exit a roundabout. Neither his age nor his affinity for cricket has been explained to this day. He was the first incarnation of the Doctor whose clothes were covered with question marks, which served mainly to emphasise the questionability of the Doctor's sense of fashion.

Ninth Doctor: played by Colin Baker. Most fans pretend that neither this incarnation's hideous suit nor his horribly written lines ever existed. The Doctor also underwent a trial by the Time Lords after being framed for, once again, violating the non-interference policy of the Time Lords. However, the Doctor was later pardoned when the presiding officials realised that the trial had thoroughly confused everyone involved.

Tenth Doctor: played by Lenny Henry, and pictured in what is his only appearance to date. Having landed on a planet of the unemployed, he failed to eliminate the Cybermen threat, instead running aimlessly for a significant portion of the episode. Because of this, his episode is deemed the definitive episode of all of Doctor Who.

Eleventh Doctor: played by Sylvester "Sylveste" McCoy, who brought increased complexity to the Doctor's character, and pictured while operating a puppet. In this incarnation's era, the Daleks could fly up stairs, requiring drastic changes in the Doctor's plans of defending Earth. However, in the end, the Doctor easily wiped out the entire Dalek race yet again. The Doctor would also have explained how he had co-founded the Time Lord society as part of a drunken bet with the other founders Rassilon and Omega. Before he could disclose this, unfortunately, he died when he stepped out of the protection of his TARDIS into a TV movie, which welcomed him with a gang of American thugs with guns.

Twelfth Doctor: played by Paul McGann, and of dubious canonicity[7]. He suffered from traumatic amnesia due to his sudden arrival in the US, but nevertheless managed to claim his identity of the Doctor, and proved it quite adeptly by leaving the US as soon as he could. However, some conspiracy theorists claim that he was an impostor Doctor, and support this by the Twelfth Doctor's erroneous claim of being half-human. They theorise instead of the "Great Hiatus," in which the Eleventh Doctor crash-landed in London and assumed the identity of a dead private detective named Sherlock Holmes.

Thirteenth Doctor: played by Rowan Atkinson. Having been demonstrated how dangerous attempting to settle down in marriage could be, he evaded the Master's traps with contrived time travel-related explanations, but subsequently walked into a roomful of Daleks and was exterminated.

Fourteenth Doctor: played by Richard E. Grant. All dashing and handsome, but without any brains, the Doctor regenerated due to an electric shock he suffered when, in his rush to get out of his situation as fast as he could into the arms of his fiancée, he forgot to unplug electrical machinery before rewiring it, thus teaching everyone at home some valuable lessons.

Fifteenth Doctor: played by Jim Broadbent. Not so outwardly romantic, and still sans brains, the Doctor regenerated by making the typical mistake of being the only person to not learn from his previous actions. This makes him one of the most definitive incarnations of the Doctor, after the Tenth Doctor.

Sixteenth Doctor: played by Hugh Grant. All dashing and handsome, and with brains, the Sixteenth Doctor successfully rewired the aforementioned machinery. However, he was then hit by a concentrated beam of excess technobabble, and died[8]. However, by cheating, he managed to regenerate once more into the Seventeenth Doctor. In an alternate timeline, the technobabble instead hit the Daleks, eradicating them yet another time. In the same timeline, the Doctor later claimed that saving the world over and over was an occupation that he merely "fell into", subsequently choosing to pursue acting instead. He was also seen enjoying a round of golf from time to time.

Seventeenth Doctor: played by Joanna Lumley. Although she settled down with the Master for a while, when the Doctor returned in a different incarnation the Master was once again a nemesis. It is assumed by fans that the Doctor, while in her seventeenth incarnation, later underwent a brutal divorce process, forcing her also to regenerate into the Eighteenth Doctor.

Eighteenth Doctor: played by Richard E. Grant. The Eighteenth Doctor was in essence a rehash of the Fourteenth Doctor, as the result of an anomalous regeneration. After appearing in one episode, the Eighteenth Doctor disappeared entirely. Most believe that he encountered the Fifth Doctor, which is, as noted above, a chorus of Daleks.

Nineteenth Doctor: played by Christopher Eccleston. He was one of the few incarnations of the Doctor to have a sense of fashion. The Doctor also easily wiped out the entire Dalek race for the fifth time, then yet again. He also encountered Captain Jack Harkness, a time-travelling con man whose sole weapon was a concentrated form of sexiness. The Nineteenth Doctor was fantastic, until he ended up being far too fantastic and regenerated.

Twentieth Doctor: played by David Tennant, and pictured last, while being impossibly attractive. The Doctor has abandoned his outlook that things are fantastic, instead choosing to believe that everything is "brilliant." The Doctor easily wiped out the entire Dalek race yet again and then another time. This proves once and for all the incredible superiority of the Dalek race, for no other race could survive being entirely wiped out eight times.

Personal details

Personality

The Doctor is a fervent hypocrite—critical when others use deadly force, but often having no other choice himself. He is also imbued with a strong belief that it is never wrong to intervene for justice, even when it might cause the destruction of Pompeii, the Great Fire of London, or the sinking of the RMS Lusitania and the start of the Great War. As long as writers stick to certain basic tenets of the Doctor's personality, they are able to take much liberty with it, using a "Get Out of Continuity Free" card that is referred to more often as "regeneration."

Earth connections

Of all the planets in the entire universe, and of all the countries on all those planets, Britain of Earth is the Doctor's country of absolute preference, even speaking in British English. He is one of the few beings in the Universe that considers being called British as a compliment. The reason for this Anglophilia is to this day a mystery, although fans assume that one major factor is Britain's proximity to France. This affinity of the Doctor towards Britain has done more harm than good, as his presence appears to attract alien invasions and other troublesome problems without exception.

Doctor who?

Throughout Doctor Who, the Doctor's name has never been revealed, and is unlikely to be revealed any time soon, as the Doctor has a strong aversion to revealing his own name. Several aliases, as well as speculations as to his real name, have nevertheless emerged.

The Doctor. The word can be seen within other aliases like "Sir Doctor of TARDIS" or "Doctor James McCrimmon" or "Doctor McCoy" or "Dr Demento."

Theta Sigma. Some speculate that, since the Greek capital letter sigma on its side looks like "W" and the letter theta looks like an H inside an O, the Doctor's real name is indeed WHO. However, most believe that the Doctor having the same name as a United Nations suborganisation is very unlikely.

John Smith. Some theorise that this is not only an alias, but also in fact his real name, and claim that the sheer embarrassing nature of the name is precisely why the Doctor hides it.

Tools of the trade

Sonic screwdriver

The sonic screwdriver is truly the Swiss Army knife of the Time Lords. By the simple glow of a diode triggered by the press of a switch, the screwdriver is able to:

The TARDIS, or Time and Relative Dimensions in Space. Despite its appearance, the TARDIS does not let the public contact the police in case of emergency.

TARDIS

The TARDIS is the Doctor's chosen method of travel. Aside from travelling in time and space, the TARDIS is capable of spotting wherever danger lies and attempting to murder its owner by dropping him or her there. It is also capable of faultless translation of several billion languages as well as advanced defence systems[11]. Scotland Yard has issued a statement regarding the use of a police box exterior as that of the TARDIS, stating that they "would like a TARDIS for ourselves."

Weapons

The Doctor is known to be as pacifist as he can with enemies, unless they cause him to feel any emotion. He is violently against guns, and aims to disapprove of anyone who uses guns. No gun, in fact, is acceptable to him as a tool of coercion, for which swords, explosives, heavy rocks, mysterious liquids, and anything else but guns are acceptable.

Examples of unacceptable behaviour include:

shooting people with air guns;

and killing off all embryos of a mutant race bent on universal domination.

See also

Footnotes

↑Although he may be half-human, this article assumes that this tidbit has been retconned.

↑This number is ascertained only for this week. Uncyclopedia strongly advises that you check the Doctor's age once every week.

↑A typical exception is that of the contrived love interest, who often dies for the sake of cheesy melodrama.

↑Actually, the reason is quite logical. No Time Lord would mention time travel for fear that someone would have the thought to disclose their secret to Time Lords of the past. So you see that the reason is not at all paradoxical. Which is sort of paradoxical.

↑The title was derived from Scotland Yard's only surviving comment about "Doctor Foreman," which was "Doctor who?"

↑Notably, this spider was gigantic and was equipped with strange powers. Nevertheless, the fact remains that the Doctor regenerated after killing a spider, and Uncyclopedia reserves the right to make fun of this.

↑This is the reason that he is pictured looking very concerned about his future.

↑Any Time Lord is allowed a total of only fifteen regenerations. The Time Lords thought it impolite to be regenerating any more than 15 times, and if a Time Lord regenerated for the 16th time, he or she would normally be forced to write "I will not regenerate for the 17th time" exactly 16 times on his or her psychic paper.