Archive for October, 2013

The world’s most prominent magazine for list-making has released its hugely influential and important annual power-list, in which it has ranked Vladimir Putin above Barack Obama in arm-wrestling skills.

A spokesman for Forbes, Ivor Smalljohnson, said “In our (wholly theoretical) league-table of arm-wrestling skills, we reckon that Putin’s mighty iron fist could easily force Obama’s rather limp hand to the tabletop.

“After all, Putin is clearly a magnificent wanker; pretty much everything he does is a colossal shining sack of wank – his wrist muscles must be bigger than Arnie’s! Look at his brilliant new anti-gay law; astonishingly powerful wanking going on right there.

Ed has said he will ‘Strangle the corporations with the big red hand of socialism’

With less than eighteen months to go until the next election, David Cameron yesterday took the fight to Ed Miliband on energy policy, as he unveiled his answer to Labour’s promised price freeze; “increase the number of total-bastard suppliers”.

‘Bunch of arseholes’

A government energy expert said that Cameron was “Drawing a new political line in the sand. A really good line, straight and true, on a nice big fresh bit of unmarked sand.

Experts say that it will take months for the St Jude-battered country to return to it’s normal colour

The entire South of England, as well as parts of Wales and the West country, were last night being towed back to the mainland, after monster storm St Jude ripped them loose and hurled them hundreds of miles out to sea.

Although the search has been called off for still-missing parts of Hampshire and Kent, rescue-ships were jubilant this morning to discover the Isle of Wight, which had been swirling round and round in a whirlpool about 80 miles off the coast of Ireland.

Estimates of the economic cost of the storm, which veteran weatherman Michael Fish called ‘the embodiment of evil personified’, have been increasing hourly, but Minister for

For decades hence an image of this face will accompany the definition of the word ‘Success’ in every encylopedia

A government-commissioned report by Network Rail and Atkins claims that the alternative to the highly unpopular HS2 rail link would be “probably almost as much hassle as HS2, so we might as well do it anyway”.

The report warns that upgrading existing rail lines instead of building unwanted new ones “Will be a massive fag, and will cost almost half as much, and since we already printed the brochures, and spent ages doing an HS2 Powerpoint presentation, when

Google’s famous slogan and mission statement, “Don’t be evil”, which has guided the company since its inception in 1998, is to be updated in a move described by senior executives as “an inevitable response to the complex and fast-paced environment of multi-nodal digital paradigms in the transition to mid-century consumer expectations and the breakdown of traditionally-served content”.

Google Skynet is expected to launch in spring 2014

The removal of the word “don’t” from the slogan means that Google will now exhort its employees simply to “Be evil”.

“It was holding us back.” admitted Google’s CEO and co-founder Larry Page. “Google has made the transition to a post-search environment, and as we spread our tendrils into every aspect of every human’s waking, and sleeping, thoughts and dreams we realised that expecting us to use our awesome power for benign goals was simply unrealistic.”

Having just made a U-turn on an earlier U-turn over the posting of videos depicting beheadings, Facebook is once again courting moral controversy, after announcing it will be allowing the posting of grainy, domestic footage showing the decapitation of Nick Clegg by David Cameron.

The beheading, which sources close to the prime minister say has been on the cards for some months, will take place later today, in response to Clegg’s declaration of disagreement with the tories over the ‘rolling back’ of green levies.

It will be videoed by an aide using his iPhone, stolen by the NSA, leaked by a whistleblower, and then uploaded to Facebook all around the planet by around 10pm GMT.

The private christening yesterday of Prince George was mildly overshadowed by ‘supernatural oddities’, according to eye witnesses.

A close relative of the couple said “It all started when Kate carried him in to the Royal Chapel at St James Palace. The walls began trembling, and the pews bounced across the floor, which hadn’t happened in the chapel since Prince Philip ate that dodgy curry in 1987.

In a surprise intervention, former Prime Minister John Major has attacked the Coalition’s energy policy.

Dat crump, fam

Major was elected to his Huntingdon seat in Parliament in 1979, before becoming Prime Minister in 1990. Following his emphatic electoral defeat in 1997 and his subsequent decision to withdraw from frontline politics, he relocated to south London’s notorious Aylesbury Estate near Peckham, where today he scrapes a living as a small time drug dealer and DJ.