E3 2012 — Sony Press Conference Recap with Instant Reactions to Beyond: Two Souls, God of War: Ascension, The Last of Us and Much More!

Well folks, E3 2012 is officially upon us! Are you one of those people unfortunate enough have a job and/or responsibilities that might keep you from watching video game press conferences in the middle of the workday? Don’t worry! I’ll be recapping the “Big 3” console makers’ press conferences right here on GammaSquad.

In addition to relaying the facts, I’ll be blasting you with my instant, off-the-cuff, totally knee-jerky reactions to all the reveals. Will I make some statements I live to regret? Oh, most definitely, but I think it’ll be more fun this way.

…but wouldn’t you rather read my witticisms instead? Of course you would.

– The Sony stage has a very neat multiple screens within a larger screen set-up. Cool video package utilizing all the screens showing off a ton of Sony stuff. This press conference is already beating the pants of the Microsoft one.

– Jack Tretton, President and CEO of SCEA is out. Hey, this guy actually has some charisma and speaking ability unlike the Microsoft presenters.

Instant Reaction – He also kind of sounds like Larry from the Three Stooges.

– Jack points out Sony President Kaz Hirai in the audience and professes his love for him.

– Out comes David Cage of Quantic Dream to appropriately ominous music. Death is the biggest mystery of mankind. Deep man. Beyond: Two Souls will star a girl named Jody Holmes who is based on, and voiced by Ellen Page.

Instant Reaction – Yikes, someone at Sony has a boner for Ellen Page. Just keep some space between her and Kaz is all I’m saying.

– Jody Holmes is linked with some sort of ghost. You’ll follow her life over a period of 15-years and help shape who she is.

– Okay, trailer time. Cop is talking to a girl with a shaved head — hey look, she’s got Ellen Page face. I dunno, I think I like The Last of Us’ version better. She was found by the side of the road, and nobody knows where she came from. Oh my, a MYSTERY!

Instant Reaction – Perhaps a MURDER MYSTERY. Now we just need to break out the tits to make this a real Quantic Dream game.

– Playstation classics like Tomb Raider and Final Fantasy VII are coming to the Vita.

Instant Reaction – Hopefully they add more moaning to Tomb Raider to bring it up to modern standards.

– Amazon, HuluPlus, Netflix, Youtube, Crackle and million other things with silly names that let you watch videos are coming to the PS3 and/or Vita.

Instant Reaction – I swear I’ll stop constantly comparing Sony’s press conference to Microsoft’s, but this is how you do a “our machines can stream video” announcement. Short, simple, to the point. F–k you Yusuf Medhi, f——ck you.

– Call of Duty: Black Ops: Declassified is going to be on the Vita and that’s all we hear about that.

– We’re in New Orleans. A dude in a tricorner hat is leaping about, there are flaming carriages, and wait a minute — dude looks like a lady! Whoa, it is a lady. First female Assassin’s Creed protagonist!

Instant Reaction – Right now I’m totally more interested in this game than the main Assassin’s Creed III title.

– Connecting this game to the main Assassin’s Creed III title will grand you a bunch of unlockables.

Instant Reaction – Miyamoto’s gotta be feeling so vindicated about the whole connectivity thing right about now.

Assassin’s Creed III

– We’re on the Caribbean Sea. Holy s–t, you get to play pirate! Can actually stroll around the ship — walk up to the wheel to take charge of the boat. Sail around and blow up other ships for lookin’ at you cock-eyed.