WikiWhat? I Look Things Up, Then Write About Them (Science)

Whoosh!

And history has been made!! A bunch of eggheads with terrible taste in fonts somewhere in France or wherever finally found evidence of a long-predicted particle, The Higgs Boson! Even Stephen Hawking fell out of his chair when he heard the news.

What this will mean for the future of Humanity is anybody’s guess. Will we have teleporters soon? Flying cars? A cure for baldness? Three-breasted prostitutes?

I for one, am excited about this. And not only for the cure for baldness and the three-breasted prostitutes. In fact, I sometimes imagine myself as the virile bald dude in certain adult films I’ve recently seen… occasionally, only by accident, for a split-second, which I then quickly turn off to protect my innocent eyes. (Yes, I am talking about Manhattan.)

Here’s a question, will the Higgs Boson help me fulfill my lifelong dream? My dream is everyman’s dream: The ultimate dream of an entire electrical grid that runs off the energy of a giant hamster-wheel sex-orgy. But will my glorious dream ever come to pass!?

You guys, this is how it’d work: all the excess energy from these wild and crazy sex-orgies would produce so much electricity (as well as mechanical lubricant) to turn a giant wheel, much like those of the halcyon grain mill days, which would be attached to a generator, which would, in turn, supply the Internet with electricity, wich would allow you and I to watch more pornography in order to get us in the mood to head back to the hamster-wheel orgy and keep the beautiful cycle of life, electrical energy, and bodily fluids flowing to continue to run the Internet in all its splendiferous splendor. This is perhaps one of the most brilliant and beautiful thoughts I’ve ever had in my life.

By the way, also, in the meantime, we’ll all become fit and sleek and exhausted from all that orgasming.

Who’s with me? Come on people, it’s win-win!

…

What Wiki says (on the date of this post’s publishing) about the Higgs Boson:

“The Higgs Boson is a hypothetical elementary particle that is the quantum of the Higgs field. The field and the particle provide a testable hypothesis for the origin of mass in elementary particles.”

Sounds like a lot of gobbledygook to me!

I mean, who gives a shit when we can all get inside a giant hamster-wheel sex-orgy!?!!!

…

Alright, so if there will be no giant hamster-wheel sex-orgy, will this so-called ‘elementary particle’ solve another of Humanity’s proverbial thorn-in-sides? Will it at the very least make women funny?

You’ve got your head in the clouds again, Dedes!

Electron clouds?

Ugh.

Oort clouds?

Shut up.

Well, sigh. I suppose we’ll just make more useless gadgets, bizarre curiosities and lethal weapons.

Ooh, but maybe some of those gadgets will improve sex?

Stop it.

But… ! but… !

I said stop it!

Butt!

No, really. Stop it.

Oh, ok.

When I was a kid, I loved Science! I did! Dinosaurs! Ants! …wait… Dinosaurs and ants was about it. Oh, plants, too! I loved categorizations and diversification and behavior and evolution and just plain living creatures!Life Science! I dunno why. I guess I could relate. You know, ‘cuz I’m not an ‘elementary particle.’

Ooh ooh! I have a career! I’m an elementary particle! I’m famous! TMZ check this out!

Shut up, Boson.

Now though, all Science seems to care about is boring quantum physics and geeky computer science and yelling at backwater Christians. Boson!? More like Boringson!?

You’re boring, son!

…

But anyway, what ‘s the fun in that?

Actually, yelling at backwater Christians is kind of fun. As is this guy…

Be Touched By His Noodly Appendage

I dunno, this Higgs Boson is exciting stuff, I guess, if you’re into that kind of crap, but I just want them to get on with it so I can be propelled across the galaxies and become the next Jane Goodall (after a precise, inexpensive, and temporary sex change) to discover, categorize, and capture exotic new animals on far away planets! Astrobiology! We can put them in zoos and grill them and shoot them for the fun of it. Ooh, Space Buffalos!

Or, if they’re intelligent, we can, through schadenfreude, enjoy their suffering by enslaving them and forcing them to participate in giant hamster-wheel sex orgies! Yes!

Stop.

Or maybe, like the Tralfamadorians, they’ll be wise and unstuck and think we humans are just dumbasses. (I may have gotten that description a little wrong… so it goes…) Maybe they’ll be like the guys from Krikkit. Or the English, in which case we’re fucked.

But anyway, yeah, things are great, man. Science and technology has allowed us all to drink diet coke from our suburban homes, get really fat and g-Chat all day long.

Oh, I don’t mean to be cynical, I really don’t. I actually like ordering food in my pajamas.

I know, I shouldn’t complain, and I’m not. I’m just saying that until Science comes up with a way for me to have Channing Tatum’s body while sitting around on my pajamas in my air-conditioned apartment, eating frozen Snickers bars, then I reject Science wholesale!!