Wednesday, February 22, 2006

In a political scandal of historic proportions, news has just broke that Vivi the missing show dog may be behind the sale of six major U.S. seaports to a state-owned business in the United Arab Emirates. While this theory has thus remained unconfirmed, what we do know for certain is that the President himself had no idea about the pending sale, solidifying his position as the only man in America who can give you chills and make you mutter 'I'm not a bit surprised' in the same heartbeat.

A few facts are giving this new story some strong legs.

1. Vivi, a whippet, has gone missing since running off the tarmack at Kennedy Airport shortly after winning a prize at the Westminster dog show, right around the same time the deal in question was being approved. Experts now suspect that the show may have been an elaborate cover. The dog has remained missing despite the being sought by search parties, hellicopters, rescue dogs, and a team of psychics. Is the dog a highly skilled double agent for a foreign country?

2. The deal is far too complex for our beleaguered and bewildered President to understand and was approved while the President had been touring the Midwest giving speeches at lithium-ion research plants.

3. Vice President Dick Cheney has been absolved of any involvement because he was on a hunting trip at the time.

4. The deal in question involves the selling of six major seaports to the UAE, a Middle Eastern country that helped fund the 9/11 hijackers. Lawmakers from both parties have noted that some of the Sept. 11 hijackers used the United Arab Emirates as an operational and financial base. In addition, critics contend the UAE was an important transfer point for shipments of smuggled nuclear components sent to Iran, North Korea and Libya by a Pakistani scientist.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

In an amazing Catch 22 of sorts, most people are actually relieved the President had nothing to do with the deal. In fact, most people prefer that the President continue to tour the Midwest indefiniately, essentially taking the rest of his second term off. The administration is defending the deal with renewed vigor unsure whether to align itself with the deal it seems to have approved or attempt to distance itself from Vivi. The port deal has caused a major political backlash across party lines.

White House mouthpiece Scott McClellan lowered the boom by disclosing today that the president became aware of the deal over “the last several days”. McClellan also confirmed that Bush did not know about the sale, which has been criticized for possibly raising risks of terrorism at American ports, before it was done.

When asked if Vivi may have been involved McClellan simply replied, "We are looking into everything."

“The president made sure to check with all the Cabinet secretaries that are part of this process, or whose agencies or departments are part of this process," the spokesman said. "He made sure to check with them — even after this got more attention in the press, to make sure that they were comfortable with the decision that was made. A highly trained agent or show dog could have infiltrated the meetings and posed as a cabinet secretary."

"And every one of the Cabinet secretaries expressed that they were comfortable with this transaction being approved," he added.

Bush, now linked to the deal through his administration's approval of the deal, has threatened to use his first veto ever if the sale of the ports is stopped.

House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-ILL) offered a defense of Bush. “You people should be happy the President didn’t know about this one. I mean, how would that look?” He explained. “Selling American ports to a country with a dubious record on terrorism? Needing to sell the ports because the country is so far in debt? Had the president known about this, well, that would really stink of scandal not to mention reek of negligence.”

“And in fact he didn’t know.” Hastert concluded. “Just like he didn’t know about 9/11 before-hand, just like he didn’t know Iraq had no WMDs, just like he didn’t know that Iraq, once shocked and awed, would become a hotbed for terrorism, just like he didn’t know that Brownie wasn’t doing a heck of a job after Hurricane Katrina… I think this president has shown unprecedented resolve and consistency to not know. OK? What exactly do you people want? You re-elected the man. Hell, maybe it really was that missing show dog...Vivi. Maybe the dog approved the deal. That's as good a theory as any.”

Vivi is still missing and presumed extremely dangerous. The three-year-old whippet may also respond to the alias Champion Bohem C'est La Vie.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Contrary to popular belief and years of indoctrination by giant conglomerates, maybe oil isn't a wonderful thing. President Bush is taking this view to the streets after his State of the Union speech in which he declared that America was addicted to the dark substance created under tremendous pressure from the remains of discarded dinosaurs and ancient vegetation. This liquid, known as petroleum, has built financial empires, sparked wars, polluted the environment, and fuels your car. Bush's slogan? Just say no.

Monday, Bush toured Johnson Controls in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The company is researching new Lithium-Ion batteries for cars. He also gave an energy address regarding our dependance on oil.

“I know it came as a shock to hear a Texan stand up there in front of the country and say, ‘We got a real problem. America is addicted to oil,’” he said referring to his State of the Union speech. “But I meant it.”

Bush then segued into his slogan. “We had an addiction problem in the 1980s. Millions of Americans were getting hooked on cocaine, and heroine. The answer for our current addiction is the same now as it was then: just say no.”

Bush pressed his slogan today while visiting Golden, Colorado. “I see similarities between our decade and the 1980s. During the 1980s Ronald Reagan led our fight against an Evil Empire. And today we are fighting a global war on terrorism. In the 80s good folks were getting addicted to cocaine. And today the good people of America are addicted to oil. And I will now talk to you the way Nancy Reagan talked to Arnold and Willis some 20 years ago. You ask me what we should do and I say: just say no.”

Bush then offered a very candid and personal glimpse into his past.

“I stand before you, a Texan, a proud American. But I wasn’t always proud. You see, I too was once addicted to oil.” He paused for a moment seemingly reviewing his notes. “The addiction to oil runs deep in the heart of Texas. There were many college nights that I don’t even remember. I’d just wake up with black stains all over my face. Black stains on my hands. I snorted it. I smoked it. I injected it. I sold it to others. I was an oil junkie and an oil pusher. My family built an empire on it that vaulted two men into the White House.”

“But now, thanks to a personal fortune, I am able to stand in front of you and say that I have kicked the habit and you must do the same. Air Force One flew me here, a giant limo drove me here, and I promise you they will someday not be fueled by the dark gold that flows from the veins of the earth but by a renewable source of energy.”

Then, in another echo of the 1980s, Bush declared war on Oil. “We have a problem and we are going to solve it the only way America knows how: to declare war and appoint some kind of czar or figurehead to lead the fight. We are at war with drugs and winning. Only the super-rich and celebrities snort cocaine these days. Only pot remains a socially acceptable drug. Only in the inner-cities is the career of 'drug pusher' a status symbol. We will do the same with oil.”

Will his tour be a success? Will his new slogan resonate with those in the heartland? Only time will tell. Bush wrapped up his tour today, climbed back aboard the giant Air Force One, and climbed off into the sky…leaving a thick stench of burning fumes behind him.

I am a man and I drive a Beetle. I love this car! I love the funky looking key.I love the way the door shuts with hermetic snugginess.I love the way the engine starts with a quiet purr.Watch me dart in and out of traffic during the morning drive.A slow line of cars calls to me to dive into the passing lane and accelerate past them.I accept my Beetle’s plea and race along at 70 mph, sometimes 75!This is not for the docile.

I park my car in the ramp next to co-workers's Mercedes and BMWs. They all look alike to me. They can have those cars.I’ve saved thousands while also joining a proud tradition: Beetle owners.People say that the car’s rounded, Tron-like looks are too feminine.What a sexist statement!And what do they know? Contrary to popular opinion, it’s not just for women.This is not-- repeat: not!—like the Pontiac Sunfire.OK? It’s not even one of the top-five most popular cars with women!*I believe that is one of the charms of the Beetle: its warm looks and sporty feel beckon to any and all: “Come and drive.”

Sure, the phrase “cute” comes up often when I mention the car, but all of that is washed away once you drive it.Besides, you should see the look on a lady’s face when I arrive to pick her up in it. It says that I am both comfortable with who I am and practical. There are no secret compensations being made here. And when she slides into the passenger seat, and eyes up the chrome-lined interior, and notices the soft red neon glow emanating from lights and gauges in the dashboard, and runs her hand over the metallic automatic shifter, she can’t hide the look in her eyes.Yes…the Beetle has happily claimed another.

The silvery paint job reflects the morning light as I speed towards downtown.I am like a Zero coming out of the sun at an unsuspecting city.On warm days I roll the window down and breathe in the morning air.My Beetle dashes down the left-hand lane while others in Toyotas and Hondas passively migrate behind an overloaded truck.A breeze enters the cabin, catches my tie and sucks it back out the window.I cry out and press the accelerator to the floor.Eat my dust, world.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Who’s Lidsey Jacobellis? Most people will never know, and those who do will soon forget, unless you have a healthy does of shaddenfraude like me. Jacobellis is the latest in a line of American embarrassments at the 2004 US Olympics.

She was on her way to winning the gold in the women’s snowboardcross when she decided to show off, grabbed her board, fell, and lost.

U.S. coach Peter Foley fell onto the ground in disbelief. Although Jacobellis claimed that the grab was for balance, Foley admitted she had probably gone overboard.

“She definitely styled that a little too hard,” he said.She now stands along side Michelle Kwan, Bode Miller, and the US Women’s Hockey Team as biggest flops in this year’s Winter Olympics. Teaching the timely lesson that all that hypes is not gold.

This harkens to the greatest American Olympic disappointments of all time.

There’s Michelle Kwan, five time world champion, unable to ever win gold.

There’s the entire 1998 Winter Olympic team winning only six medals, the worst showing ever.

And now it’s time for the medal stand.

Bronze Medal winner: The 1998 Men’s Hockey Team disgracing itself and their country by busting up the Olympic Village in a rampage after getting stomped by the Czech Republic 4-1.

Silver: Dan O’Brien and Dave Johnson. Remember these guys? Hyped by Reebok as rivals for decathlon gold in 1992, Dan failed to even qualify, Dave took a bronze.

Gold: The 2004 Men’s Basketball Team. Dubbed the “Dream Team”, they ended the U.S.’s streak of 3 consecutive gold medals. Remember when Dream Team 1, with Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson embarrassed the rest of the world in 1992? Revenge was served cold as Allan Iverson and Tim Duncan lost 92-73 to Puerto Rico.

It's fun watching the Olympians learn the lesson of antiquity, that all glory is fleeting.

Is your Pamela Anderson sex tape long gone? Have you deleted out your "One Night in Paris" video? Are you dismayed that Colin Ferrall's x-rated romp was a mere 14 minutes long? Well get ready because Detroit rapper Kid Rock and Christian heavy metal singer Scott Stapp have teamed up to give you 45 minutes of raunchy bus shakin' action. Red Light District plans to release their sex tape filmed in 1999. The tape was made while Rock and Stapp were on tour showing explicit sexual activity with female fans on a tour bus.

Celebrity sex tapes are nothing new and have even proved to be hairbingers of good things for the stars involved.

The tapes have been part of urban legand since 1948 when Maralyn Monroe alegidly filmed herself making it with a man on a couch.

The 1980s gave us home video equipment and Rob Lowe ushered in a new age when he filmed himself having with two women, one a minor. Rather than destroying his career with such illicit behavior he climbed all the way back to get the role of presidential aide Sam Seaborn in "The West Wing".

In the late 90s Pamela Anderson went from busty pin-up gal to infamous sexpot when her tape with husband Tommy Lee was released. Lee himself became a household name while Anderson went on to star in her own TV series "V.I.P." and now "Stacked".

And then there was Paris Hilton, once an unknown hotel heiress now turned superstar thanks to the release of her sex tape in 2003. She now claims her own fragrance, nighclub chain, album, and memoirs.

One can only guess how high Rock and Stapp will rise now.

In what is becoming an industry standard career move, the filmed sexcapade may help kick-start their fledgling careers. Red Light District attempted to reach the two entertainers but was unsuccessful. Apparantly Rock and Stapp are going to be submissive and let the tape be released and hope it the gamble pays off like it did for others.

Recently Stapp has been working hard to get his name back into the limelight but it may take a toll on his new marriage. He was arrested on February 11 for public intoxication just hours after his wedding, tossed in jail, and will face arraigment on March 8.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

President Bush said Thursday he was satisfied with Vice President Dick Cheney’s explanation about his shooting accident.

“I thought the vice president handled the issue just fine," he said in his first public comments regarding the accident. "I thought his explanation yesterday was a powerful explanation."

Bush said it was "a deeply traumatic moment for him and obviously it was a tragic moment for Harry Whittington." He said that the shooting "profoundly affected the vice president."

Bush sat on Cheney’s lap, his legs dangling down, while Cheney’s hand was thrust up a hole in his back. Cheney manipulated the president’s jaw while displaying an adept skill at ventriloquism. Not only did Cheney effectively disguise his voice, but his lips barely moved the entire time. The dummy sat and declared his satisfaction with the Vice President’s account of the hunting accident in Texas in which he shot a friend and did not notify the press for 24 hours. He also rebutted comments that the incident was an example of how secretive the White House is.

“Yesterday when he was here in the Oval Office I saw the deep concern he (Cheney) had about a person who he wounded," Bush said. "I thought yesterday's explanation was a very strong and important explanation to make to the American people."

Cheney effortlessly manipulated the puppet and nodded at its answers, acting pleased.

Like all good ventriloquist acts, the handler often acts completely calm or "straight" while the dummy often appears ruder, edgier, or livelier than the one handling him--a humorous juxtaposition. At an Oval Office photo opportunity after the event the puppet Bush appeared disconcerted when pressed about the shooting.

"I'm satisfied with the explanation he gave," Bush said tersely. “This photo opportunity is over. Dick, get me the hell out of here.”

So the United States is engaged in torture at Guantanamo Bay? Prove it. Define torture?

The United Nations released a report Thursday that called on the US to refrain from practices that “amount to torture.” The report summarized an investigation by five U.N. experts was based on photographic evidence and the testimony of former prisoners.

Among their findings:

That detainees were shackled, chained, hooded, and beaten if they resisted.

It also suggested, shockingly, that the “persons held at Guantanamo Bay are entitled to challenge the legality of their detention before a judicial body.” That right is currently suspended.

The US holds about 500 men at Guantanamo, accused of having terrorist ties. Only about 10 have been charged since the detention camp opened.

Rather then address the report’s findings the White House released its own attack dog: Scott McClellan.

“You want us on that wall and you need us on that wall,” he barked to reporters.

He grew more defiant as the press conference went on.

“We live in a world that has walls. And those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Brian Williams? The existence of Gitmo, while grotesque and incomprehensible to the rest of the world, saves lives.”

“I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of freedom we provide, then questions the manner in which we provide it. I’d prefer you just said, ‘thank you’ and went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post.”

McClellan then barred his teeth, white like fence posts all in a row. He bit down angrily on the podium, tore a chunk off and spit it out. “That’s what I think of these questions. You want answers? You think you’re entitled? You want the truth?” He asked. “You can’t handle the truth.”

He dashed off into the crowd and ran amok downtown—torching a KFC--before handlers were able to restrain him.

In other news the Winter Olympics are more boring than networks ever could have feared.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

There were more violent cartoon protests in Pakistan today as thousands took to the streets of Lahore. It was the worst violence against the cartoons depicting Muhammad. At least two people were killed and 11 injured. Protesters burned down a hotel, two banks, and a KFC.

Boy, KFC really can’t catch a break can it?

Pakistni authorities are investigating the motive directed at the purveyor of chicken which prepared in a mix of 11 delicious herbs and spices (available in either Regular or Extra Crispy).

Monday, February 13, 2006

Vice President Dick Cheney was once again unable to determine who the real enemy was as he sprayed friend Harry Wittington with shotgun pellets on a recent hunting trip. Wittington was flown to Christus Spohn Hospital Memorial (say that five times fast) after Cheney accidentally shot him late Saturday afternoon at the Armstrong Ranch.

Details of the accident are sparse, but a popular internet theory is that Cheney was trying out a new robotic hand, or some type of claw, and pinched the shotgun trigger when he should have released the grip. It is widely assumed on the internets that at this point Cheney is more machine than man.

“Those robotic claws they use these days, they’re very tricky,” conspiracy theorist Brian Wallace explained. “Your brain says to relax and your hand squeezes. Personally, I think Cheney has a whole briefcase full of different types of robotic hands.”

Another theory was that Cheney someohow suspected Wittington as being an imminent threat to his safety. "It is not beyond the Vice President to shoot first and ask questions later" a close source commented. "He would much rather launch a preemptive attack than be attacked himself. Perhaps, again, he was the victim of shoddy intel?"

Wallace continued, “Have you seen Cheney lately? He’s all hunched over, twisted up like an old oak tree. That could be due to the rocket pack implant in his back, manipulating his steel spine under the weight of it.”

Wittington will not comment on the incident out of respect for Cheney. But, personally, I hope conversations are going like this.

Wittington: “The Dick shot me. We refer to him affectionately as The Dick. Or even, sometimes, The Big Dick. He’s a big player you know. The Big Fucking Dick shot me. Haha.”

One can only imagine and luckily it is my job to conjecture madly. Personally, I think operating a firearm is the last thing the Vice President should be doing. He certainly doesn't know where to put the US military, much less make a snap decision about where to shoot his gun. This is the same man who has heart attacks while on one of the most relaxing jobs in the world: US Vice President, and he thinks he can go hunting?