@@@ ======================================================================@@@ These Oracularities postings are now available via direct e-mail for@@@ those of you who don't want to wade through rec.humor to read them.@@@ Send mail to kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu to get on the distribution@@@ list.@@@@@@ Note to in.bizarros: I'm not going to cross-post to in.bizarre@@@ anymore, so get on this list if you don't read rec.humor and want to@@@ still see the Oracularities.@@@ ======================================================================

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.

} Usually scrolls are to be found in scroll shops or general magic supply} stores. Occasionally you might release a friendly genie from captivity,} whereupon in gratitude he will grant you a wish. (Yes, I know, it used} to be three, but you know how inflation is....)}} --------------} |????????????|} |???????+????|} |??+??????!!?|} |......@.....|} -------+------} #####} ##} ####

} The Oracle is impressed! A mortal has located one of the few} philosophies in the universe that is not held by any of the 8 583 512} 595 262 317 367 races in the universe. In fact, the closest philosophy} I could find in "The Big Book of Philosophies" which I just wrote} ($24.95 at Waldenbooks) is a group of semi-sentient crystalline methane} slugs on the planet Zug orbiting a blue-white supergiant on the other} side of the galaxy. Their dogma states that if you play with} trancendental FUNCTIONS you're going straight to Peru (which in} Slugspeak means "The Big Salt Shaker"). Like most dogmas, this one was} implemented to keep the top slugs in power.}} If you're more depressed than elated about this, then why don't you go} start your own religion based on that dogma? It'll give you something} to do that's fun, informative, and will get you the chicks (or hunks)!} If you're successful, write to me, and I'll include your name in a} footnote in the next edition. Remember: the Oracle cares.}} You owe the Oracle $24.95 (Go buy my book). The Oracle has verbalized.

} Boy you guys really make me ill. Why this and why that...OOOOOOH, real} important stuff, as if I don't have important things to worry about like} when will the universe end? Why is it dark at night? What about this} brain in vats thing? Dammit, all you guys do is ask me questions. I'm} getting sick up to here with your damn questions. What, are you stupid?} Try to find an answer yourself, you might learn something in the} process.}} Here, I'll throw you this one, just this once:}} My answer:} Because they're not called anemic potatoes.}} What do you think I'd say, something stupid like 'because} they're not called tomAHtoes.' Give me a break. Tell me, does stupidity} run in your family?}} We'll waive the fee for this one. Don't ask inane questions again. You} might not catch me in this good a mood.

} the roo.dnet.winnie node goes dead. very dead. sudden death syndrome.} such a dead node! very sad the parent, kanga.dnet.winnie. very unahhpy} node. very sad day. the pooh.dnet.winnie node sings the sad song. the} roo.dnet.winnie node is buried by the pooh.dnet.winnie node and the} piglet.dnet.winnie node, with the eeyore.dnet.winnie node saying the} mournful things. very sad day.}} next day they go out for to catch the hefallump. the hefallump catches} them instead. they all die. very sad the ending for the children book.}} you are owe the oracle for to stop writing the existentiallist version} of the winnie.dnet.pooh.

} You have an error in line 71. You wrote "x[i] := 4", but you should} have written}} CYCLE GNORP ARBNO( "AA" | INPUT) . FOO = INPUT : S(CYCLE) F(RETURN)}} As you can clearly see, the rest of the program is in Snobol not Pascal.

} It is not for man to want or not want a beard. It is man's nature to} have a beard. The question that you must ask is:}} What do you want to shave a beard for.}} There are answers to this question.}} Some men think that they are more attractive to women if they have a} face like a women. Unfortunately, some women think so too.}} Ancient greeks shaved their beard before combat to avoid giving the} enemy an additional handhold.}} Occam found beards unsightly, and shaved them as a matter of principle.}} In modern times people have become more civilized, and have learned to} appreciate beards for their original purpose: To hide man's ugly adams} apple...

> George Bush was on television last night, accusing various major> Communist leaders of a variety of crimes. Some of them were pretty> plausible, but he accused Fidel Castro of being involved in the> crucifying of Christ. What really happened?

} The truth is stranger than the fiction propagated by the new Stain of} the West, George Herbert Walk Bush, the man with four names and no soul.}} Although Castro was nearby the scene of the crucifixtion, and although} he was indeed playing Pepper, CONTRARY TO THE RULES POSTED AT THE FIELD,} historians now agree that this illicit practice did not actually con-} tribute to Christ's death.}} Bush has obviously kept himself abrest of the most current research.

} Which part of the question troubles you?}} Never mind, it is irrelevant. I shall cover all aspects of your} question.}} Americans: This is quite easy. Any ethnic group stupid enough not to} be able to find THEIR OWN COUNTRY on a globe can be easily molded to do} just about any strange ritual. The Fastfuudites of Tau Cygnus (and} their leaders, King McDonald of the Burghers and "Dairy" Queen Wendy)} are most likely responsible for the mind-control aspect in question.}} regularily: Dead cow is an addictive substance, not unlike nicotine and} Lay's Potato Chips. Once one has partaken of it, withdrawl symptoms} cause the partaker to seek out "just one more" serving of the substance.} These withdrawl symptoms come about fairly quickly, thus accounting for} the frequency of the return visits.}} eat: the flat, black portions normally served unfortunately make poor} frisbees, and no other potential use for them has yet been theorized.}} pieces: the bread makers of America refuse to make buns large enough to} accommodate an entire cow, citing high overhead costs and low sales} volume.}} dead: America, never having been cannibalistic, has a distinct distaste} for blood of any kind. Draining the blood from the animal unfortunately} kills it.}} cow: The cow, being a rather docile animal and easy to catch (were all} females that way!) proves an easy target for predators. Although} Americans do posess the technology to catch more elusive animals (a} certain asphalt-treading avis comes to mind), they (the Americans) are} in fact themselves rather lazy. Thus they do not bother using their} techonological advantages, and content themselves with holding onto the} animals that are easily held.}} I hope I have covered your question.}} You owe the Oracle a B.A. in B.S.