I planned to be something cute for Halloween, but couldn’t squeeze into the beer girl costume, probably because of all of the beer I’ve consumed trying to cope with parenthood.

Instead, I wore an oversized Anna costume with a wig and felt like a chunky Disney princess with head lice.

Alma wore her Dolly meets Elsa wig and complained about it the entire time, but refused to take it off.

The kids consumed just enough candy to become raging assholes for bath time.

Sunday rolls around and Oktoberfest is just around the corner from our house at the horse track.

Instead we head to Cracker Barrel and a farm in the opposite direction so the kids can enjoy a DRY fall festival.

At the restaurant, a waitress named Cessie is regaling us with stories about how much children love her while mine sit and sulk, refusing to answer any of her questions. (There’s nothing more embarrassing than someone asking your child how their food is and watching them scowl and shovel pancakes into their mouth with complete disregard.)

Can I vent for a moment about the perilous journey in and out of the Cracker Barrel lobby with toddlers? You are fortunate if you make it through there without one of them demanding a toy, grabbing a toy, breaking a toy.. or worse, breaking some super fragile, expensive Christmas tchotchke.

We make it to the farm and remember why we were reticent about going.

We tried a few years ago when Alma was just a baby.

She could’ve cared less.

We spent a shitload of money in order to check out some miserable bunnies, cranky goats and comatose pigs.

We were offered a free hot-dog and soda, for which you only had to stand in line for about 45 minutes.

Upon arriving, we are greeted by sour-faced, wrinkle-tanned, apathetic volunteers in neon green tee-shirts.

They are haphazardly snatching up kids by their armpits to place them on zombie ponies. (Picture Santa’s Elves at the mall in A Christmas Story)

I overheard one little girl request a specific pony and a volunteer with rotting teeth said, “Honey, I want a Ferrari, but oh well.”

Alma rode her horse like a stunt man from Seabiscuit. I was so proud… and then depressed while calculating the cost of riding lessons.

The kids got to feed a sketchy llama who kept whipping his ears back in irritation. They probably caught the next Bird Flu, Swine Flu, Goat Flu in the petting zoo.

Ebola Sheep

I went to get on a choo choo train with the kids because I saw other parents boarding and the volunteer said snarkily, “Only one parent per train car, I thought I made myself clear.”

Awesome. You just go ahead and speed off in that unregulated vehicle with my unbuckled children as you zoom around your horse-shit ridden farm packed with miserable caged animals that don’t belong.

There were lemurs.

On a farm.

And a Zorse.

The highlight for me was plucking individual grains of food out of the dirt for the poor, neglected donkeys who they had penned just outside the petting zoo.

Hungry Ebola Donkey

Alma was obsessed with the hay stack.

Huxley got to throw balls at a pumpkin.

The kids has a great time.

I stared longingly at the city block-long line for food and drinks, even though there was no pot of beer at the end of that rainbow.

Back at home, I carved pumpkins with the kids.

All that really means is that my husband ran out for pizza while I carved pumpkins solo with the kids staring at me and repeatedly trying to grab the ridiculously sharp cutting tools.

I had to yell at my son every few minutes that he was about to amputate his own finger.

Let’s be honest, does anyone actually enjoy digging out pumpkin guts or that pumpkin fart smell that fills the room? Does anyone who doesn’t use a store bought pattern actually end up with a pumpkin they’re satisfied with?

They rode ponies, they played in hay, they watched someone else do all the hard work for Halloween and what did they get most excited about?

Daddy returning with pizza.

Then, it’s laundry, pre-cleaning for the cleaning lady and battling my daughter to get her to go to bed.

By the time it’s all over, all we want to do is watch a good scary movie on Netflix and even that is impossible.

We pick one… it’s foreign and dubbed over in English.

UNWATCHABLE.

We choose another movie, it’s got subtitles.

I am too tired to try and read while watching a movie.

We end up watching a few minutes of something I don’t even remember and go to bed.

All so I can get up at the butt crack of dawn, brave rush hour traffic, get cut off by some douche in a Mustang, fall asleep during a meeting, drink too much crappy station coffee, get jittery and write about dead people.