Relationship Coaching: 9 ways to overcome insecurities

Insecurity is a problem we all deal with in life in general. Thus, this issue is not just a relational issue-although in this blog, I will address it strictly from a relationship standpoint.Next to fear insecurity in my opinion is the second biggest factor causing relationship problems. Insecurity makes problems worse in a relationship, not better. What we commonly deal with in relationships is “emotional insecurity,” which is defined as an unease or nervousness by a perceived feeling of inadequate or worthlessness. This causes us not to feel worthy of love, happiness, or even our partner.In a lot of cases insecurity is born from past pain and rejection. When I dealt with insecurity in my own life, it came directly from rejection. I felt I was not good enough to be with certain women because of the hurt and rejection I felt from other women. Thus, I also expected a woman to leave me for “a better man.” My own past insecurities caused me to literally expect a woman not to be faithful; so I never gave a woman 100%. So I kept other women on the side waiting for my“main woman” to leave me because I felt she secretly wanted something better.
Although in two or three of these relationships my insecurity just so happened to be true, that wasn’t the case in the others. You see, I feel we should always clearly discuss our insecurities openly with our partners. Two things should happen: 1) you should honestly address the insecurity and 2) you should help the person deal with the insecurity, if possible.Transparency is what binds us when our motives are pure. So, openly discussing our insecurity and fear helps us work through things with our partner; and it also gives them a choice. To overcome insecurity, we must heal from our past rejection and present feelings of low self- worth. We have to understand clearly who we are and embrace it.Don’t be so insecure that you self- sabotage your relationships. Don’t make the past mistakes I’ve made in feeling I was not worthy of love of a good woman.Some of us put our entire life on hold for the promise of love and thus we stay in bad relationships that often birth deeper insecurity issues.

Here are 9 ways to overcome insecurities:1. Openly admit you have insecurities that maybe impacting you relationship.2. Accept who you are! Love who and how God created you, but be mindful of where you can improve. Accept who you are and you will attract the right person.3. Understand deeply you are loved by God. You have incredible value and worth. Be confident in who you are and have faith!4. Love yourself and seek to heal emotionally from the things that caused your emotional insecurities.5. Understand the source of insecurities are past rejections and are made worse when you are not clear about who we are in Christ.6. Love your inner beauty. Focus on the wonderful qualities you have such as ability to love, patience, compassion, or anything else that makes you beautiful on the inside.7. Adore what God created that makes you beautiful physically. Remember: What society calls “beautiful” doesn’t make you physically attractive.8. Don’t cover up insecurities through an image or facade of pride and false insecurities such as cars, clothes, clubs, sex, etc.9. Don’t think negatively about yourself. Call yourself what you truly are. You are a child of God and He loves you.

What insecurity can you work toward overcoming today?

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WOW I think you said it when you said “My own past insecurities caused me to literally expect a woman not to be faithful; so I never gave a woman 100%.” This was (is) me and I am really trying to work on this more. As of lately I have been open with myself about what Im insecure about, really trying to get past all rejection in life, someone once told me that rejection sometimes is God’s way of telling us, he has something better in store, or trying to prevent more pain to come! Took me awhile to let that sink in my spirit but now going forward day by day, my mind always goes back to this comment.

[…] because it makes you feel better about yourself. I discuss this topic deeper in my blog “9 ways to overcome insecurities” click here. 2. You have not healed from past pains or bitterness. When we refuse to heal and forgive we allow […]

Hello Erica,
Yeah a lot of us have been there including myself. A lot of us will stay there because what people think of us is more important than actually being who we are and truly addressing the root cause of our insecurities

i am probably THE MOST INSECURE person in the world and i push so many people away because of this. my biggest question for you is, how do you just accept the fact that there will ALWAYS be someone BETTER than you? someone prettier, someone smarter, someone more successful. why would anyone want to be with me when there will always be someone better out there? i feel like anyone with me is just settling, even if they tell me otherwise. i worry when someone better walks by, any guy i’m with will just be wishing he was with her. =((( please help if you can. thank you.

Learn to love and accept yourself. Better is not measured in those ways…no one can be you better than you. Accept the beauty and gifts of who u are …along with being a life long learner of improving yourself.

i struggle with insecurities, ill loose the person i love if i dont get a hang of myself, i have one crazy mindset as if the devil is triggering me the whole time. I feel insecure when we are aroud other women ,beacause it feel as if he is looking at everone with a sexual eye(and i know he is not that type of person),but why do i think it????!!!!IT MAKES ME rude en cruel to him and then we start fighting and the whole evening is ruined by me an my insecurities, it feels theres better out there.
help

Hello my friend the help is in the blog. Starting working on the steps I have listed, but more importantly you need to think about the root cause of your insecurity. For example..lack of affirming love as child, sexual abuse,etc….root out the reason it is there….then seek help for the root cause then you will heal my friend. Pray and ask God to open your heart to him ….seek him as you begin to heal. Remember relationships make your problem worse, so not a good idea to be in a relationship when you have insecurity problems. It will make things worse..

I have to say this is a great article. Thank you for following me on twitter. This article is truly a blessing. I have battle with my insecurities due to a past abusive relationship that truly scarred me. That everything that I am was questioned and seemed not good enough. The fear of being hurt by another man physically, mentally, and emotionally. These insecurities has kept me from not only being loved or trusting any man, friends, and family. My past relationship has affected every relationship I have with not only with a man but others. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I realized I deserve great things in life and I am worth a lot.

Thanks Mr.McCall I feel that way. My relationship is ending & he says it’s because I’ve been so insecure. Six years have passed and now this is what it has become. I know I’ve had a bad past with the guy cheating on me & breaking my heart. I guess I never gave myself a chance to heal from what I had been through. So thanks this has really made me realize alot of things. Love the 9ways to overcome. With faith I will overcome & will grow to be the woman that I know I can be. Thanks & Be Blessed.

In the past I had infidelity problems, I am currently in a 4year and counting relationship. I know my worthiness but I still have some insecurties when it comes down to it. I love the article you wrote it explains a lot, what would you reccomand for me to do so I can overcome this issue.

I am a really insecure person and is bad because I messed up a really good relationship with it. Your blog helped because I realized after my partner and I split up that I am used to being treated badly in relationships. I think I ended up in so many relationships because I felt like I couldn’t do any better. Then when I do find someone who is really good for me, I allow my insecurities to get in the way. Then things get really messed up and before I know it, I’ve lost a really good person.

[…] because it makes you feel better about yourself. I discuss this topic deeper in my blog “9 ways to overcome insecurities” click here. 2. You have healed from past pains or bitterness. When we refuse to heal and forgive we allow the […]

I have been in an abusive relationship emmotionally and physically and i now have the most amazing man but am about to lose him because of my insecurities,to me he will do the same things my ex did the cheating,lying etc i dont trust him even though he hasnt given me any reason to doubt him or my love for me i need help before i lose my chance in love,and this is becoming too much as i seem to push away all men who have come after him as he has tainted my trust in love and men?

Hello please help i was involved with this guys 2 years ago who used to abuse me physically and emmotionally,and it has come to a point whereby i have these insecurities and trusting issues.Im about to lose a man who trully loves me because of these insecurities and have lost and pushed away men because im always insecure questioning their intenitons thinking they will do the same thing my ex did the cheating,lies,etc i need help i have the most amazing man and he has been very patient and understanding of my past but i think he is really getting tired now as this thing wont stop,i need help.

Find a good local church and counselor ..you have to be proactive in seeking your healing my friend. Insecurities don’t make relationships better just worse, so if you have deep rooted insecurities it maybe best to end the relationship,so you can heal and then explore the relationship later.

Thanks for sharing this with me. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up over two years ago. The relationship left me drained and often times I’d find myself questioning everything about me. So I decided the best thing for me to do would be to heal from the relationship before starting to date someone seriously again.

I recently started seeing someone that I really like and love being around. However, I’ve found myself asking questions that make no sense to even me after I think about them. I’m now realizing while it has been two years since my last relationship, there still some insecurities I have to deal, so that I won’t run the poor guy off.

This article is very good! I do have to say that one of my insecruities is meeting very successful men (careerwise). Even though I do have accomplished some things (here and there), and my goals are in progress. I met a guy recently that traveled the world, owns a business, and is a model. Keep in mind I am not a gold-digger or shallow. Heck Im too prideful to ask anyone for money in that manner. In fact I feel that I have to do more than I already have to do more in order to be on his level. I always have to be careful in what I say sometime so I will not sound ignorant. Keep in mind I am educated, enjoy culture, and I do have character. I just am sucky at getting dates? LOL

I never realized that alot of our insecurities does come from our past hurts. I’m just now realizing that you have to heal and love yourself before you pursue a relationship, let alone marriage. Now I know why none of my relationships succeeded! THANK YOU!

Wow. I have to say that this article has really spoken to me. I have had past hurts emotionally and physically and the real root of it all came from not feeling loved as a child. Always seeking attention positive or negative just to ignite a reaction from the person I’m with simply because something was better tthan nothing. My relationship with ny parents, particularly with my father is where I see I hurt the most. There is truth to the theory that some seek men similar to their fathers, bad or good.
I also recognize and accept that there will always be better. I accept that they are with me because they like who I am and accpet me for me knowing that there are options. My pain comes in not trusting and I self sabotage to allow them to seek better. Crazy I know but thats the beast of insecurity.
I was in an 18 yr marriage and am now divorcing due to a realization of things tthat were both of our faults including some of my insecurities but also some of his.
I have sought assistance but the work has to also come from a William.g and open heart and mind.
thank u for the article and for the follow on Twitter

Most of us should love ourselve first to realize how much you are worth before feeling the way we do. We bagan to fault ourselve and feeling guilty about situation. Instead lof opening up and talking about, because if we can’t talk to nobody else. God is an awesome Counselor, I promise you he will see you through I am a living witness of that. You have to Let Go & Let God, but not half way because God will fix all by his self.

Hello just want to start off by saying website is very insperational. My situation is I am 35 years old and I finaly found true love my soul mate that man every woman wants. And I’m tearing it up because I don’t think I’m worthy to him. He brings a lot of things out in me that I never had to deal with in my life but am dealing with them now so I feel angry inside and I take it out on the man I love and I feel down about my self and it makes me a ugly person what do I do?

[…] 5. Selfishness has roots in insecurity – Selfish people focus on covering themselves because, deep down, they really don’t believe anyone else will truly have their back. They have deep-rooted pain that causes them to feel inadequate in some way. Instead of getting help for their pain, they overcompensate; they convince themselves and others that they are perfectly confident. Unfortunately, this causes them to think more highly of themselves than they ought to (Romans 12:3). (Relationship Coaching: 9 ways to overcome insecurities) […]

ya well what you said helps me alot. i never understood why i was so angry all the time and why we were arguing all the time but i know admit that yes im insecure and that its causing a lot of problems. i think about her past boyfriends and how she might still be wanting them and other stupid stuff. im going to work on it

Hi. This article has been written very well.
Here is my story: I felt very inadequate in my relationship with my ex because he was better than me in many ways. What I had failed to see was that I was good in many ways as well so that I deserved him. This had caused me to fight with him unconsciously many times and pick up reasons to push him away from him. He must have been true always but my insecurity spoiled many things.

I often feel insecure and I have no idea why , I’m dating someone I like very much but I feel very insecure about where it’s going . I think that the fact that were not official makes me insecure but we both agreed to take it slow since in past relationships we jumped in head first. . How do u get over that I’m struggling and I don’t wanna push him away

I also can relate to the “My own past insecurities caused me to literally expect a woman not to be faithful” I have been in a relationship for the last 6 years and I truly love the woman I am with. She is the only woman who has ever wanted to fight for me and our relationship. I recognize this. However, we recently decided to take some time off because of my insecurity. I was very torn apart by this decision but also agreed that we need to have some time apart. this was about a week ago. I am having trouble dealing with the fact that I cannot hold her or even talk to her really. she only says that she doesnt know what to say. so she doesnt say anything. She says this is only a temporary break from our relationship. How do I deal with this and work on my insecurity at the same time? I have come to terms with having the insecurity and spoke with my mother to see if it stemmed from a childhood experience. She informed me of a few that I didnt even remember. Also, I was in and out of foster homes throughout elementary, middle, and high school. I felt “left alone” alot. and feel like I will be left again by those I love and care about the most. I dont want to lose this one. She believes in me and that helps me a ton. Any thoughts on this?

Reading this post brought tears to my eyes because i realized long time ago that i was insecure. As a child i was sexually abused and have never really openly talked about it. I have been in three relationships, two which were serious. In both relationships i had expectations which were destroyed when both cheated on me. Each time i never really forgave them but i stayed in the relationships however, i always felt like i could never trust them again. Even though both apologized and wanted to be with me, i could never forgive. I always looked for signs that they would cheat again. I am never happy, always on edge and i dont know how to love myself enough to see my own worth, or love myself. I liked this post because it hit home!

Hello SIr i really found your words and wisdom helpful i am insecure because of past rejection and thinking every women cheats and they are all the same i have many of these insecurities i am trying to work on. How do i get my partner to open up to me?

i made a horrible mistake recently. i had met a great woman but i accused her of playing me; she wasnt. it ruined the whole thing because i was real mean to her. Ive been rejected and alone alwayd. Ive been around bad women the whole time. Now because of the trash ive been around i made an assumption about a woman who was actually good. My one shot. Gone. I want to cry all the time lately. And though ive tried to rebound ive been rejected more than 20 times. Now im stuck being around the bad ones forever. Forever alone. I never would have did would i did to that one good apple if it wasn’t for all the rotten ones. I wish they would drop dead, all of them. They caused this.

I sometimes feel very insecure. Me and my wife love each other very much. We have been married for 18 years and we’ve been through a lot together,from marital problems to losing a child,you name it. My wife started seeing someone else about a year ago,for about a month when i found out about it. We have since been trying to work things out. at times it seems to be going great and othewr times just terrible. Since then I’ve been feeling very insecure and I have asked her to help me overcome this. Maybe just by loving me and showing it to me. I sometimes feel like I’m right at the bottom of her priority list. All I want is get the same love and attention that I give her.

Wow!! Power stuff Mr McCall. I finally came to my senses wen I read this blog.I’m dealing with past hurt n rejection n it got me to a point where I have no choice. Me n my wife mess up on each other n we till

I am Lisa. and i am feeling i am a ighly insecure person. I always feel jealous when my husband loves someone even a kid of their servant. a feeling that i am not able to keep him happy always give pain to me. i feel that no one needs me in this world. this is my second marriage and i have 2 kids who live with their father. Now my sitiation is so bad that i even can not stand any girl around him even his close collegues. I can not no one whom he loves or likes. Please help me out. I am ready to do any thing

So much of this rings true to me. My insecurities come from a previous relationship. He liked to play alot of mind games. I have tried everything to get over it but I just cant get the pain out of my head. I am in a very serious relationship but it is casusing problems as I just cant bring myself to talk about it. Any advice anyone?

i have had so many bad relationships that it is hard to trust anyone i am having a difficult time letting the person i truely love today into my heart which hurts me more than anything in this world alone

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I have some demons that I fight with on the account of rejection. My heart is harden because I want people pay for what they have done to me ; although I go to chruch. I have these outbursts of rage from time to time because I am holding some much resentment, having to release my angry in such a negative way is destructive. People I do not trust. However, I want to be liked, but do not want to get too close, thats how I feel about men, I know I am not ready for a relationship at this time in my life. One of my prayer request is to love myself and allow God to give me a pure heart, to become a beautiful person inside and out. The best thing I can do right now is to work on me.

I feel insecure about getting that man I truly deserve, I feel he will be embarrassed by me, and feel that I do not add to his life, that I will not make him happy…. I feel that I attract the wrong guys because of these feelings (guys who are emotionally broken, unemployed, poor hygiene…) and I am FRUSTRATED. I feel that I physically I have a lot going for me…but mentally and financially I am bankrupt and am doing the work to get unstuck in theses emotions but I always default and I get really angry with myself to the point I wanted to end it all last week but …. I pray and pray …I still feel the same inadequate, undeserving, unworthy, unvalued.

My husband adores me. After 12 years of marriage this is still the case. I love him too. However, he refuses to make a will. He dismissed it for several years until it became clear he didn’t want to make one (we have no children). He has also outright refused to include my name in the ownership of our home, on the premise that he owned it before we met. Recently, this has become a big issue for ME not him. I only realised recently part of this relates to my insecurities. I am a professional woman whose work prospects were severely affected by the downturn for the past 5 years. So sometimes, I convince myself that my security is in God (we are both practising Christians) and other times I think something is wrong with his behaviour. Help?!!

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