Q&A - Help! I Don't Love My Husband Anymore

Daily Inspiration

Q: I’ve been married for 20 years to a man who I don't love anymore. We have two daughters and are a very close family. I fell in love with another man who is a family friend, but he’s not in love with me. I’m trapped in my life and responsibilities to my children. My thoughts are only of this other man, who is unmarried, and I feel like I’m losing my mind. Breaking up my family life to find happiness would mean breaking my children's sense of security. I feel like a responsible adult living a lie.

-Lauren M.

A: Hi Lauren,

I’m so pleased to see you reaching out for advice regarding this very difficult and emotionally painful situation that you find yourself in. Twenty years is a long time to invest in a future, so I can certainly understand your concerns about leaving. The reality is that leaving would change you and your family significantly, so great care must be taken and all remedies investigated before separating or divorcing. In the spirit of honesty, however, I do have a bias and my bias is to always, when it makes sense, keep families together.

First let me say that you are not the first married person to fantasize about life with a different partner, and you are not the first married person to believe you don’t love your spouse any longer. I’m also willing to bet that your fantasy about this other man will never stand up to tomorrow’s reality once it happens. You wrote, “I feel like a responsible adult living a lie.” Since you feel this way and you appear to be obsessing about this other man, the antidote is counseling, Lauren. Please sit with a trained listener and talk about your feelings before it’s too late. What you see as an unhappy marriage today can become a much deeper and richer marriage tomorrow with the right guidance. I know this because I see it happen all the time. You also refer to your apprehension about breaking up your family to find happiness. However, leaving your family does not guarantee your happiness, Lauren. Perhaps leaving is the right thing for you in the future, but I wouldn’t recommend trading a 20-year relationship for an emotionally driven fantasy without a serious fight.

Wishing You Great Health,Dr. John H. Sklare

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