RST Wants You...

Dick Summer Communications

IPTV

About RST's Host

New Jersey native, flight instructor, former FAA air traffic controller and author of "Bootleg Skies," "Inside The Circle," "Ailerona," "Artie Azzetti and Me--Life At St. Anthony's Elementary," and "Zen and the Art of Pumpkin Bombing or Why my UCSC Education Wasn't a Compleat Waste of Time"

Wanna Put On A Live Radioplay? Who doesn't? Some of the RST radioplays are available for theatrical production. Contact us for scripts, fees and copyrights at: rejectslip@aol.com Write "RST scripts" in the subject bar. No: attachments, Fwd, viri or embedded messages, please, or the US DoJ will surge at you so fast, mister, it'll...well, it'll do nothing.Our podcast guru is Dan Wardell.More RST podcasts at: http://feeds.feedburner.com/rejectionsliptheater RST web site and Contact Us: http://www.paulberge.com/"...and I've been your host, Paul Berge. Good night...or good morning. Whatever works."

All original written stories remain the copyrighted property of the authors, used with permission by Rejection Slip Theater, which retains all rights to the audio productions.Most performers are available for voice work through Radio Garage in Urbandale, Iowa (http://www.radiogarage.com/).

Wanna Put On A Live Radioplay? Who doesn't? Some of the RST radioplays are available for theatrical production. Contact us for scripts, fees and copyrights at: rejectslip@aol.comWrite "RST scripts" in the subject bar. No attachments, Fwd, viri or embedded messages, please, or the US Congress will waggle a non-binding finger at you so fast, buster, it'll...well, it'll do nothing.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Tired of rejection from the mainstream political parties? Sick of the traditional nominating process for President of the United States? Don't know a caucus from a primary?Well, forget Iowa and New Hampshire. Why should they choose who’s going be the next presidential candidates? Forget about Super-Duper Tuesday, Mad Monday or bunching all the primary dates into one votefest in early February to mollify whiny Californians. Instead, the next President of the United States, hereafter referred to as Commander Guy, will be selected by (hold onto your campaign hats) popular vote.

Think Reality TV (An oxymoron, we admit). Anyone with half-a-brain, which is considerably more than the usual candidates bring to the contest, can participate.

Step 1: Declare Your Candidacy here in the Comments link. It costs nothing. Keep it clean, brief and no sniping at the other candidates, unless they deserve it. Instantly, you'll become the front runner, if only for a microsecond in cyberspace. Take advantage of that moment in the spotlight to solicit massive campaign contributions from K Street lobbyists. Turn nothing down. You can always apologize later.

Your moment in the lead will be fleeting so be ready for...

Step 2:Issue a Policy Statement that no one understands but includes references to Abortion (without taking a stance), Drugs (without admitting use in college or offending drug firms), Family (be for this, especially if your backer is name Corleone), Gay Marriage (see Abortion), Guns (quick, hit the NRA link to become a retroactive lifetime member), Education (see Family), the Military (espouse strong support here; go really over the top if you’ve never actually served yourself), the Environment (you’re generally for the environment but don’t quote Al Gore) and, finally, Campaign Finance Reform (support any reform measure because it’s like saying you support Mothers Day).

Step 3: Deny. Even though the pack will be crowded at this stage, the long knives will be out, and your past becomes fair game. So, deny everything. Better yet, blame society or cigarette advertising. Cry if you do that. Have your wife/husband at your side. A kid in an iron lung would be good, too.

Step 4: Threaten a Foreign Country. Your choice here. (No, everyone can't choose France.) This begins the stage where candidates show their weltpolitik mettle by rattling sabers, nerves and such. You’ll be asked to invade a sovereign nation and explain your choice. Again, pick any little niggling principality that’s annoyed you since college when you got caught trying to buy hash there. Now, let loose a barrage. Just be ready to defend your actions or, better yet, blame the press.

Step 5: Cover Up a Lie. Contestants will be given a lie. Each contestant will then be placed under glaring lights in front of cameras and a microphone and asked to deny the obvious. Candidates will be judged on originality, ability to keep a straight face (avoid smirking) and obfuscation. Bonus points: Show undying support for a loyal supporter you're about to dispatch.

Step 6: Speech Skills. Candidates will be asked to prepare and deliver a policy speech (topics to be assigned later). Candidates who mispronounce “obfuscation” probably won’t make it into the final round. Mispronouncing “nuclear”, however, seems to be fine. In fact, may help.

Step 7:Fancy Dress Ball. Each candidate will be asked to plan a state dinner. Candidates will be judged on use of silverware, napkins and small talk with visiting dignitaries who smell like mothballs and are about as interesting to talk to as the Jell-O centerpiece.

Step 8: Sudden Death Round. A major world figure dies (Pope, King, your VP, a smarmy televangelist) and each candidate, without preparation, will have sixty seconds to say something non-offensive about the suddenly departed. Candidates will be judged on stammering, lip licking, pronunciation of the deceased person’s name and ability to end the statement with “our thoughts and prayers go out to his/her family.”

The best news--anyone can vote. And just like in New Jersey, the more you vote the better you feel.

The Reward: Power. Once in The White House, anytime you want to burn a few thousand gallons of jet fuel in your own Boeing 747, simply pick up the hot line to Andrews AFB (don’t confuse it with the hot line to some nuke silo in North Dakota, that's gets embarrassing) and say, “Commander Guy here, I feel like flying to…oh, Des Moines!” You won’t even need to call a cab, because like Enterprise they’ll pick you up.

Actually, your parents are discussing s-e-x when you're not in the room, so to save them the embarrassment of pretending to explain it to you unaided by PowerPoint, sit them down, and as a family listen to the Rejection Slip Theater Valentine's Day episode.It's all straight ahead when you click on: http://feeds.feedburner.com/rejectionsliptheaterAnd, remember, Kids: Tell your friends!