Bet’s be ‘avin you: Football Betting tips for 1-2 January 2011

Firstly, apologies for 28-29 bets, we were down 15 squids on our 35. First week in five without any profit, and who cares, cos that was sooo last year.

So New Years is upon us. Probably the worst night of the year for a seasoned boozer? Tell you what I fancy, paying more for a busier, more hectic night out. And not just paying, pretty much paying double. In fact, your old friend Punter Dan (as this alter ego shall now be known) has a significant phobia of any prescribed ‘good times’. Birthdays, christenings, orgies, essentially anything at which you have to be pretend to be happy when secretly wishing you were at home getting stuck into a decent claret and watching Turkish football streamed on the internet because you have got £20 Galatasaray HT/FT (I wish I was lying). On the subject of Galatasaray, good to see foreign footy back; let’s get stuck in.£10 in Barcelona -3.5 on Asian Handicap and Bangor to win gets you £33

Yours truly is not a fan of Facey b, although does have an account. An account that will shortly be deactivated after seeing the following message from a girl with which familiar relations were had (Cinema second base, garden third base, it’s how I roll). This message is verbatum: “Lovin my work peeps and tweeps, and uber excited about NYE”. Jesus, if there had been a LMFAO or ROFL included, I would have happily bathed my eyes in Hydrochloric Acid to avoid the potential for repeat.£10 on Forest, Southampton and Luton to win gets you £40

And so to the big news of the week: The New Year’s Resolution list. As I am in a generous mood, you can have mine in full:
1. Find Laura Haddock and make her mine (use Google image search, she’s not an actual fish). She’s a celebrity so it’s just weird not stalkerish
2. Build up celebrity video collection. Keeley Hazell – got, Pamela Anderson – got, Abi Titmuss – got, Paris Hilton – got. The rest – need. It’s like bloody Merlin sticker albums.
3. Put more speculative bets on. My best ever bet was £100 at 14/1 on Jonny Wilkinson to be Sports Personality of the Year before the Rugby World Cup 2003. MUst. Find. More. Of. Those.
4. Find a female that loves me for me. Drunk. Dirty. Outrageous. Addict…. Inflatable is a realistic option.
5. Do a walk by myself for 11 days from Nottingham to Cornwall in March to raise money for baby Thomas Singleton who has been in hospital for thirteen months now since his birth. No apologies for this being a shameful, if initial, real-life plug. But he deserves it.£5 on Rotherham, West Ham and Milwall to win gets you £50
£5 on Ricky Lambert and Marcus Tudgay to score anytime gets you £29
£5 on Manchester City to win 5-0 gets you £170

Off The Post is dedicated to bringing you all the latest football news, views, rumour and humour. Get your transfer gossip fix and everything else you need to know about what’s going on in the world of the beautiful game.