I have been inspired by so many people around me. The cheerleaders in my real life who remind me to keep going because no matter what they will always be here for me (one of my besties-Laura, who’s let me be me in my entirety and been unwavering in her support), the connections I’ve made in the blogging world (like this amazing woman who emits positivity and humour), a few very important members of my online forum, Thyr’vors, and a woman named Maryanne, who I have never met though I feel as if we are old dear friends.

Sometimes people have no idea how deeply they can affect a person just with their words and simple actions. You have all made a huge difference in my life, and I want to thank you for reminding me who I am and why I fight. Because of the positive attitudes you continue to infect me with I wanted to start doing something positive, occasional messages of affirmation. Whether they be for myself or for others.

I’ll kick it off with a message for myself…. (though I suspect many others will benefit from these words too.)

So if you hadn’t noticed, I had a run of bad weeks. I felt like giving up, like nothing I could do was going to make me any better. A thyca survivor, sent me a message with a bit of her story and she has been dealing with thyroid cancer for a very long time n ow. 7 years in total. In fact she said there are lots of people out there like us, who are outside the “norm” in terms of this type of cancer and how long it takes to “deal with”. She said her Dr (like mine) also asked her to think of it as a chrinic illness.

When my Dr. told me that we might need to start thinking in terms of my cancer being a chronic illness, I was full of despair, thinking that I might wait a long time to hear the words “cancer-free”, was unbareable to me.

Though she explained to me that while she was always in active treatment she had very long gaps of time in between treamtnents. During those times she taught herself to LIVE! That while she did have cancer, and she wouldn’t feel 100%, there were many days she did feel pretty good. She learned to be spontaneous and live in the moment. So if she had a good day she would pack a picnic and pick up the kids from school for an impromptu lunch in the park, or call up a girlfriend and grab a coffee and enjoy a good chat over a stroll in the park, among many other things. She tells m that these moments reminded her that life can go one, and it doesn’t have to be cancer on the brain all the time. I am not there yet, for me it still consumes my thoughts.

I have decided this is what I want for myself. I want to be able to be ok with not planning waaaaay in advance. I want to be able to be spontaneous. I want to be able to LIVE IN THE MOMENT!!!!

I have no clue how to achieve these things yet. I just know I NEED TO. Now if anyone has any suggestions, feel free to help me out with this goal…

She battled thyroid cancer for almost 5 years, begining when she was young. At just 21 she was diagnosed. Over the course of her 5 year fight she had many side effect related surgeries like one for a collapsed/dry tear duct, and one to repair a damaged vocal chord (seems odd to some but for some thyca’s they are hard side effects of treatment)

She just couldn’t catch a break and had to accept the fact that for her this disease is chronic and not a just a cancer with a quick fix.

I hit her blog today and read the news. Just 5 days shy of what she, (and many others) refer to as, her 5th cancerversary…

I have never talked about this issue here before, mostly because the illness I had been dealing with prior to my thyca diagnosis, somehow became less important.

5 months after the birth of Roo ( my darling little girl), I had been diagnosed by my doctor with a pretty severe case of Post Partum Depression (PPD) and Post Partum Anxiety (PPA). Finally I knew what was wrong with me and I got help through my Dr., a support group and medications for depression and anxiety. It was a constant struggle but it got easier once I came out and told my family and close friends.

In the support group they talked about how important it was to get your thyroid checked becasue there are a great number of women who deal with post partum thyroid issues causing mood changes. I went to my Dr and he said this wasn’t likely the case with me and left my treatment the way it was. Now, don’t misunderstand, my Dr is great, but I can’t help but wonder if my thyroid had already been under attack by this awful disease.

My question is this Which came first the chicken or the egg the depression or the cancer? I will likely never know but it will always be in the back of my mind.

I can’t seem to find any kind of studies on thyca patients with a recent history of new depression. Though I do see that lots of us wind up dealing with depression after having cancer and the treatments that go along with it.

Sidenote: Tomorrow is Roo’s 2nd birthday and I have granted myself a day pass. It will be a cancer free day. Nothing but hugs and cuddles and playing, with a side of birthday cake and ice cream. Did I mention hugs, and cuddles??? We all need a break and this is the perfect reason to take one.

I have blogged before in the middle of the night explaining that I can’t sleep but it’s goes so much deeper than that. Sure I have valid readons more often than not. Like; Hubby snoring, Aussie coughing, Roo waking through the night, myself being over tired or unable to stop the thoughts from coming.

But now I know those things are only part of it. I think I am broken… and I don’t know how to fix myself. After receiving an email from a concerned friend about my (too frequent) middle of the night posts both here and on facebook she has concluded that I am now officially entering the sadness portion of the “emotional stages”. I laugh at the emotional stages because I don’t feel like I fit into that cookie cutter list of stages. I bounce up and down those steps feeling like I’ll never reach the one I want, the one where I am better and this nightmare is over and I can move on, collecting all the broken pieces of my life as I go. Can I order crazy glue in bulk? Perhaps I should hit up Costco in preperation for that step.

I’ll leave you with the lyrics to the 1st track in my playlist (didn’t know I had one here, turn up your speakers.)

I need some sleepIt can’t go on like thisI tried counting sheepBut there’s one I always missEveryone says I’m getting down too lowEveryone says you just gotta let it goYou just gotta let it goYou just gotta let it go

I need some sleepTime to put the old horse downI’m in too deepAnd the wheels keep spinning ’roundEveryone says I’m getting’ down too lowEveryone says you just gotta let it goYou just gotta let it go

For the record, I know what I am feeling is a phase, the Coleen formerly known as the class clown will return so please bear with me while she`s on hiatus. In the mean time I check my smile in the mirror, yup, still looks convincing… Time to start my day.