Wednesday, December 25, 2013

It all has led to this.

So here's the thing, I am nervous that I haven't been freaking out about going to London. That sounds dumb and makes no sense, I know. I guess for Rome, it felt like everything went so well during the semester and I attributed that to the fact that I was so nervous beforehand...again I realize that makes no sense. It is just difficult to make myself understand that how much I worry now doesn't affect what happens when I get to London. Soooo, I tried remind myself to not make problems where there aren't problems, that sounded easy enough!

But then I realized I do have an actual worry (of course I did...I'm Hope hah!).

Compared to last year with Rome, I have been acting so much calmer while preparing for London! I haven't had any 'why am I doing this?' or 'what if I forget to pack underwear?' moments. I haven't been talking about it as much (still a lot but in comparison less hahah). I haven't even really been thinking about it very often.

But then the other day I talked to Jan on the phone for the first time in a while and it felt so amazing! I realized then how stressed I have actually been feeling. It was like I didn't notice how tense I was until I had loosened up. It was horrible, a huge wake up call, making me realize that I am actually nervous for London. I am just nervous in a different way than I was for Rome.

Since I was in middle school I have been waiting to do this. From Harry Potter, to Skins, to One Direction, to Freddie Mercury, to Doctor Who...they all led me to this semester abroad.

I want to be my best self in London! Whether that best self be different than who I am currently or me just accepting myself as I am right now. Either way, I need to accomplish it...and quick! That's what keeps going through my mind. My daily countdown posts are getting closer and closer to zero and I feel a clock ticking.

What I have realized (after talking to my mom, of course!) is that this semester in London isn't the end game for me. It is just the beginning of my life in England and abroad. Honestly, I have been telling my family and friends that but for some reason I haven't been accepting it myself. This isn't my living London experience but rather my first living inLondon experience. I am only 20 and have so much time to explore! Plus, if I was my best self at 20, the rest of my life would be pretty crappy haha. I never want to peak but to always strive to be better and more myself as time goes on.