[ open on The Tonight Show set, final show with Johnny and Ed decked out in tuxedos ]

Johnny Carson: Yes! [ audience applauds wildly ] Anyway.. anyway.. let’s, uh.. that’s very nice. That band is terrific! Anyway, we are back! and, um.. Ed, you know, I just realized th-th-that’s the last time I’ll be saying “We are back! It feels, uh.. it feels a little weird!

Ed MacMahon: [ as expected ] YES!!

Johnny Carson: Now, uh.. for those of you who are just joining us, this is our final show, and Ed is drunk!

Ed MacMahon: ..I just wanted to see what it would be like to disagree with you once..

Johnny Carson: I see.. Are you finished?

Ed MacMahon: [ not missing a beat ] YES!! Ha ha ha..!

Johnny Carson: Alright, well.. all week long, we’ve been, uh.. carrying some taped greetings from some friends of the show.. and tonight we’ve got some from the other, uh.. late night personalities. So just.. you in the studio, watch your monitors.

[ dissolve to the taped greetings, the first one featuring Jay Leno ]

Jay Leno: He-hey, Johnny.. hey listen, we’re all gonna miss you.. I mean.. it’s terrible.. [ shifts to deep-voice mode ] I mean, it’s great for me! But, you know.. [ ] I mean, it’s a terrible thing that you’re not gonna be on.. I mean, i-it’s great that.. I-I’m the one who, you know.. [ shifts to back to deep-voice mode ] If someone had to be the one! [ ] But, still, it’s just really-

[ dissolve to Arsenio Hall speaking in a whisper ]

Arsenio Hall: You.. you’re the one man. You’re the man! There will never.. be.. a-nother. You. Are. The man! You.

[ dissolve to Dennis Miller twiching ]

Dennis Miller: Johnny, babe! I can’t even put this into words, huh? I mrean.. this is yourgig, man! Compared to you, we’re all like that second Darren or that.. that blonde that took Barbarino’s place on “Kotter”! I mean, what was that all about, huh?! You’re the king, babe! I mean, I’m not trying to be obsquetious here, but you’re a class man! I don’t even make a visceral play! I’m hovering around the whole “Newton’s Apple”/”This Old House” slot – I’m not even Vila, for crying out loud! I’m the new guy with the whole Bob Balaban/Austin Pendleton! I’m not getting anything, Johnny! Buck..

[ dissolve back to Johnny and Ed ]

Johnny Carson: Well, that.. that was weird, wild stuff! I guess they’re big fans of mine. I did not know that! Anyway.. we are here, and these are our final two minutes here together, Ed, and um.. I’ve gotta say, it feels a little.. bittersweet.

Ed MacMahon: [ solemn ] Yes, sir.. [ sniffs a teardrop ]

Johnny Carson: I mean, we’ve, uh.. we’ve been together since, what, the 50’s? And, uh.. you know, I’m getting a little choked up just talking about it.

Ed MacMahon: Emotions running high.. yes..

Johnny Carson: It is wild stuff. I-I wanted to take these last two minutes, Ed, to say some things I never really had the chance to, uh-

[ audience applauds Joan’s entrance, as she stands next to Johnny at the desk ]

Joan Embrey: I just had to come on one more time! You remember Irving the Cockatoo?

Johnny Carson: Yep.. yep..

Joan Embrey: He was your favorite!

Johnny Carson: Yeah, well.. look, um.. alright, just-just have a seat.. I-I’m talking to Ed right now, Joan, as a matter of fact.. [ Joan’s stagehands bring in a tiger cub, which she displays to everyone on the set ] Oh, I see you’ve brought a.. a whole kit and kaboodle here..

Joan Embrey: Oh yeah, I have a tiger cub here.. how about this?

David Brenner: Adorable!

[ Joan takes her seat on the couch next to Ed and Brenner ]

Joan Embrey: Hi, Ed! [ laughs ]

Johnny Carson: That’s right. Well, it’s been 30 years, and I just have one minute to go. Ed, I want you to know, I-I never reconsidered, um..

[ tiger cub growls ]

Johnny Carson: ..replacing you, and I, um..

[ tiger cub growls ]

Johnny Carson: I mean, you and I are like steaks and A-1 Sauce!

[ tiger cub growls ]

Johnny Carson: We’re like, uh.. Dolly Parton and- Joan, could you.. is there any way you could kinda..?

Kevin Nealon: Good evening! I’m Kevin Nealon, and I’m a son of an Irish bishop.

Well, President Bush Thursday unveiled Bush League, his new line of clothing for dorky white guys.

The future ex-president later wowed the assembled crowd by reeling in an 8 1/2-pound northern spotted owl.

Ross Perot filed a financial disclosure statement on Friday, putting his personal fortune at $3.3 billion – or $800 million more than previously estimated. As a result, yesterday Perot was awarded an honorary doctorate of money degree at Oklahoma State University.

Jerry Brown went whitewater rafting with two members of rival L.A. gangs. And next week, the gang members promise to let Brown come along on a drive-by shooting.

And the results of last week’s Phillipine presidential election, which included candidate Imelda Marcos, may be contested. Some observers complained that the use of old shoe boxes as ballot boxes.. may not be very good.

Scientists in Rotterdam are reportedly working around the clock.

The “Where’s Waldo?” books have become so popular that the publishers are adding new additions. Last week, they came out with “Where’s Georgie?” and next week, they’re coming out with a double edition: “Where’s Ronnie & Gorby?”

Many people are confused by the civil ethics of a war in Yugoslavia, putting the Serbs against the Croats.. and also involving the people of Bosnia, Herze-go-vona.. -gor-vona.. or -govina .. Well, it doesn’t matter. Basically, there’s no oil, so don’t worry about it!

Well, the ballots have been tabulated, the results are in – the winner of Yugoslavia’s 1992 Funny Face Competition goes to: Yugoslav Federal Army General Blagoje Adhiz.

Well, the NBA Play-Offs are heating up. Tomorrow, the Bulls and the Knicks will play Game 7 of their Conference Semi-Final. Here with a persoective are Chicago radio personalities The Superfans.

[ Superfans appear on the monitor behind Kevin ]

Todd O’Conner: Thanks, Kevin! Well, the two teams are tied, 3-3, and it’s, uh.. it’s been an exciting series, and I’m sure a lot of New York fans will be, uh.. ready to, uh.. go to Chicago for the big game tomorrow.

Carl Wollarski: That’s right! They’re gonna be flying there, and that’s why, right now, we’d like to offer those New York fans a few tips on how to handle the long painful flight back home.

Pat Arnold: That’s right! ‘Cause two hours can seem like an eternity when your hopes have been dashed by.. Da Bulls!

Superfans: Da Bulls!!

Pat Arnold: Now, try to get your mind off the humiliation with an in-flight movie. Or, better yet, have an alcoholic beverage of your choice.

Todd O’Conner: But remember, New Yorkers, smoking crack is not legal on planes. Keep those pipes in your pockets ’til you land.

Kevin Nealon: Well, that’s great, guys.. but I think a lot of people believe the Knicks are gonna win.

Pat Arnold: Yeah, well, it’s very sad.. very cruel the Bulls have toyed with Knicks fans.

Todd O’Conner: Yeahhh. I wonder where he got that from? [ holds up similar picture of Mike Ditka ]

Carl Wollarski: My goodness!

Todd O’Conner: Whoa, what have we here? How could he-

Carl Wollarski: Where have we seen that sharp hairstyle before?

Kevin Nealon: Okay, we get the idea, guys..

Superfans: Alright, alright, alright..

Todd O’Conner: Alright, alright, Kevin.. What about the names of the teams? We know what a Bull is – what the hell’s a Knick?

Pat Arnold: How about: it’s what a New York man gets when he shaves his leg before going into a Greenwich Village bar!

[ the Superfan enjoy their joke ]

Kevin Nealon: Alright. So, your pick?

Todd o’Conner: Bulls, 240 to 87.

Carl Wollarski: That’s right.

Kevin Nealon: Alright, I see. The Superfans, everyone!

Well, a study has revealed that secondhand smoke is unhealthy, but usually cheaper.

In addition: 2 + 2 = 4.

Well, Murphy Brown will finally be giving birth on the show’s season finale this Monday night. CBS assures squeamish viewers the show will be much more pleasant to watch than last year’s birthing episode of “Jake & The Fatman”.

And “Lethal Weapon 3” opened around the country yesterday, and plans are already under way for the next dequel, “Lethal Weapon 4”, which will star Detroit suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian.

Besides “Lethal Weapon 3” this summer, several other sequels ill hit the theaters: “Alien 3”, “Batman Returns”, “JFK Part 2”, “The Really, Really Last Temptation of Christ”, and “Honey, I Slept With The Kids”.

Variety posters of the “Batman” sequels can be seen at just about every bus stop in town. The marketing ply by Warner will probably reduce ticket sales, since, if you drive by all the bus stops fast enough, it’s just like seeing the movie.

Update statistic: 4 out of 5 dentists.. leaves 1 dentist.

In a related story, McDonald’s is warning customers that a toy car found in Happy Meals could cause choking. Also, officials have warned that Big Macs are the main cuase of death in cows. They think it has something to do with the patty meat.. or the meat patty.. whichever one you get.

And now, with a look back at some of the events of the week, is Operaman. Operaman?

The acting head of the National Endowment of the Arts has declared there’s a difference between “nude” and “naked”. Also revealed were differences between “disrobed”, “unclad” and “bare-assed”.

Weekend Update has also learned there’s a difference between “endowment” and “endowed”.

The inventor of the margarita has died. We here at Weekend Update feel that not enough time has passed for us to make jokes about this sad story. However, enough time has passed since the Earl Sandwich, the inventor of the sandwich died.. so we’d like to say he was buried in a coffin with a toothpick through it.

Irish bishop Eamonn Casey admitted last week that he has an illegitimate son living in the U.S. NBC is planning a situation comedy about Casey, modeled after “Major Dad”, and entitled “Father Dad”.

Kevin Nealon: If you would like a written transcript of this news broadcast, learn to write really fast. I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.