from a man's perspective

A Better You, A Better Relationship…

The quality of any relationship is determined by the quality of the people in it. So it’s not good enough to just desire a good relationship, you have to firstly increase your quality as a person then take time to choose someone who compliments you. The following are my 4 essentials to work on and improve prior to getting in a relationship

Learn to love yourself

The search for love or to be loved has caused many emotional traumas; causing them to compromise their principles, self-respect and self-esteem in hope that they receive love in return. Unfortunately this is not always the case; I’ve come to realise that the love we receive from others is the love we’ve allowed to be acceptable over a period of time. The turning point is to empower yourself by taking the time to love you, so you become the prize as oppose to the possession that’s picked and dropped at will.

The beauty about loving yourself is that you do not have to accept the value and standards others place on you; you get to define your own values, your own standards and terms. Defining your own values and standards will cause people who only want you on their own terms to walk away from you. They will take away their ‘love’ and attention which can sometimes cause you to feel lonely and think about comprising yourself. This is why some keep going back to the same no-good exes, and settling for mediocre relationships. The way out is to start loving you more, because the more you love yourself, the lower your tolerance for other people’s B.S.

Furthermore, it is difficult to love someone else if you have not mastered the art of loving yourself. The good book talks about loving your neighbour as yourself; in other words, the maximum capacity at which you love yourself is how much you can love another. Love is for givers; is it possible to give another something you do not have?

The art of self-love starts with:

Spending time to understand and embracing who you are including your flaws

speaking positively about yourself

Spending time with people who highlights your strength and help you better your weaknesses

Doing things that make you happy

Master being single:

To be single is to be emotionally and mentally whole, unattached and available; many relationships have started off on the wrong foot because one or both partners are still attached to something or someone from their past. These relationships are likely to have issues of insecurity and lack of trust and could be in trouble if the underlying problem is unresolved.

Before getting into a relationship, do a self-check on your emotional status. Are you still hoping for a future with your past, still emotionally tied to a situation or ex or are you still hurting over a previous breakup(s)? If your answer to this sort of questions is yes, then you are not ready to commit to another person as you will only be bringing baggage from your past that will ruin a new relationship.

To become single, I would suggest the following steps:

Consciously decide to FORGIVE whoever’s hurt you and forgive yourself (that part is often missed out

LET GO; leave past emotions or feelings in the past.

Create an environment for you to heal (delete pictures, block insta/FB/Snapchat profiles) and let TIME do its work because healing takes time.

You should also check the emotional status of your would be man/woman. Do not assume because he/she gives you their attention and time; phone calls, going out for drinks and dinner means they are emotionally available to be in a relationship with you. Ask questions about their exes, past relationships, causes of breakups, their present emotional state and what they invest most of their time in; it might seem awkward asking but it might also save a lot of heartache in the future.

Master investing in yourself:

People will place value on you based on your past, dressing, skin colour, body shape etc. However it is on you to define and make clear your self-worth and values, but how do you know your self-worth if you haven’t spent time investing in you? People who have not invested in themselves and do not know their worth have no choice but to accept the values placed on them, which would make them open to manipulation.

Investing in yourself is building up the quality of your inner-person and letting your outlook compliment what’s within. In this age, the focus is mainly on being attractive; so it’s about makeup, fit bodies, bum lifts, tight and revealing clothes etc, and using social media as a means for validation. Being attractive can win you lots of attention however it’s the quality of your inner-person that determines whether you’re a keeper or someone’s idea of fun.

You can increase your self-worth by

Watch, read or listen to motivational/ inspiring materials that will help build your character

Keep company with people who have values you desire

Be ambitious; set goals for yourself and your career

Master the art of communication:

Communication is the fuel that drives every relationship, if you want to know how well a relationship is doing, study how the partners communicate. 3 key areas to pay close attention to have a fruitful relationship;

Openness: If you are serious about getting into and maintaining a committed relationship, you need to be an open book your partner can read; you should be able to share anything and everything with your partner, from financial status to password to phones, emails and social media accounts. You should be comfortable to talk about your feelings at any given time; it might cause you to feel vulnerable but you will be rewarded with trust, security and subsequently a good flow of chemistry in your relationship.

Listening: When someone makes themselves vulnerable by being open, there nothing more discouraging than not feeling heard! Listening is being attentive to the words and feelings of who’s speaking; it’s saying to them, you can trust me with your feelings and it’s ok to be you with me. Something I personally dislike is when sharing my feelings and the listening starts going off talking about themselves. Listening is a selfless act; it’s about taking off your own shoes to understand what walking in another person’s shoes feel like. Effective listening encourages people to be comfortable and trust you, forming the basis for them to be open with you.

Response: If you have not listened effectively, your response or lack of it is highly likely to frustrate the person who’s spoken to you and can cause them to close up. Have you ever spoken to someone and after hearing their response, you become reluctant to share your feelings with them again? Such is the power of response. Be sensitive; let your response both in body language and words reflect the feelings of who’s spoken to you. It shows you’ve paid attention and understood their feelings, in return they feel more valued and will continue to open up to you.

These points are not so you become self-obsessed and get selfish in your relationship. They are essentials that will make you an asset within your relationships and increase the quality of your relationships.