Girlfriend thinks she's a whore for having oral sex with me?

I guess this should come as no surprise, but my girlfriend is super duper traditional. We moved quickly when we first started dating and unfortunately that means we reached this point. She thinks she's a slit for going that far with me when she wasn't in love, because of a promise she made herself after being with her ex. So now there's no oral sex on either end, but that's not what bothers me. It's the attitude of that she's a slut for doing things with her boyfriend and that if she doesn't wait until marriage than she's dirtying up her soul and such. I just don't know what to do to help her.

Most Helpful Guys

A slut is blowing 5 guys in the bathroom stall at the bar on Saturday night. You need to tell her that what you did was a beautiful thing that was shared between you two, not something dirty and shameful. I would be upset with her for several reasons. The main thing now is withholding any further pleasure and not wanting any either. That would make me think I am not good enough to be with or not desirable. The next thing would be that now she is changing the dynamics of the relationship to something I didn't sign up for or agree to, such as now she wants to wait until marriage before she feel "clean" or "pure" enough to engage in those acts. Lastly and most damaging is that having oral sex with me made her feel like a slut. That means I must be some piece of shit scum bag! I would be so insulted by that!!! Potentially unforgivable! What's next, she feels raped? It doesn't have to be intercourse, but the physical intimacy is not something dirty, wrong or degrading. Someone who shows such derogatory regard for sex is a huge red flag for a potential partner. If she feels this negative about it now, I really don't see her attitude or desire changing later in life either and you are going to be stuck with someone who won't make you happy! I think you should let this one go and find someone you are more compatible with!!!

Most Helpful Girls

Unfortunately this is something that's told to girls (particularly in conservative areas/families) regarding sexual behavior. I'm not even very religious but was raised in a very conservative area and have come to realize even I have those ideas engrained in my mind.

It's something that she will have to process on her own but you can help her by talking to her about how you don't associate anything you two do together as being slutty or whore-ish. You can say something like 'I want to fully respect your boundaries and what you're comfortable with but I think you're unnecessarily associating yourself with devious or shameful acts. there's nothing to be ashamed about.'

That's hard. It's difficult to de-program someone who grew up entrenched in that sexually repressive BS. They have it drilled into their heads that it's wrong, so the guilt is heavy.

I think all you can do is assure her that you don't view her in that light at all, she's far from a slut, has a beautiful soul, you care about her, and it upsets you that she's thinking of herself in such a bad way when there's nothing wrong with her.

Maybe you should give her the definition of a whore and slut, you just have to leave it up to her, tell her your view and that if she doesn't want to do these things its fine but tearing herself apart and down isn't helping the relationship and its making you feel like shit.

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Is this still revelant?

Asker

+1 y

I already tried doing that. Her mom has raised her in such a sheltered and awful way...

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What Girls & Guys Said

I know where she's coming from. What's done is done. The best thing would to be to ask what she wants to do, If she felt comfortable with not doing it and if that's okay to you if she stays "pure" until then. It just decides how far the relationship goes, and how far that vow really runs. I respect you for being worried about her though. That doesn't make her anything because its easy to be swept up like that. Just as long as both set boundaries that you both are comfortable with, it may help her feel more comfortable.

You can't change that kind of mindset. She'll have to realize on her own that sex is a normal thing inside a healthy, happy relationship. Maybe with time she'll realize this. Maybe just try your best to tell her that she's wrong if she brings it up but it's a realization she needs to accept on her own.

"Girlfriend thinks she's a whore for having oral sex with me?" Girlfriend has some major issues she needs to work through.

Sorry, that sounded insensitive... sometimes is takes a little while for a "newbie" to find their sexual stride and comfort. Just be patient and understanding and try to walk her through it. She'll come around! Good luck!

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Anonymous

+1 y

Personally I think you should try to understand where she's coming from she sound Christian so maybe together you guys can revisit and study the bible verses that she's worried about. And if she is Christian she should know that if she repents sincerely that she is forgiven. I feel that this will help her and your relationship :)

If she's religious there's no getting through to her. Talk to her about it. How you don't see her as a slut. But don't be surprised if she denies it. Keep your wits about you. Also keep your hands about you my friend. Good luck.

Attempting to talk to someone who is a conservative or very religious, is like asking a politician to be honest, its not going to work. Hopefully she will come to her senses, but she likely won't. I am sorry my friend.