Often personal finance writers discuss what we need to do, particularly with respect to saving and investing. However, it is also what you are willing to walk away from that will determine your future prosperity. After years of providing advice, comforting friends, and dealing with my own issues, here are 4 disastrous behaviors to stop doing with your finances.

Obsessing Over Reasonable Purchases

You have worked hard. You have your emergency fund. You have eliminated consumer debt. You have invested aggressively over the years. In fact, you are on track to be financially independent 15 years earlier than the experts said was possible, so why do you obsess over minutia?

I advocate fiscal responsibility, but I don’t support deprivation for bragging rights. Recall when you began your financial journey and decided your priorities. Remember when you decided that financial abundance was worth pursuing. Remember why you started to save to begin with. Self care is not selfishness. In fact, one of the best gift you can give someone is a better you. That’s because you can help them from a position of strength rather than one of weakness.

Last week’s discussion of value-oriented purchases is particularly relevant here. When purchases that are in line with your core values give you pause because of sticker shock, remember that if you have built a solid enough foundation and have performed due diligence, such occasional splurges can enhance you by improving your productivity, your motivation, and your overall quality of life.

My fellow frugal readers, if you’re in this position, simply ask yourself the following question: “Why do we save anyway?”

Trivializing Pathology

Debt is not the Problem. Debt is the symptom of the problem.

The suspicious gambling charges on the credit card may be a clue to something sinister, and I don’t mean identity theft.

Beneath the surface, smiling facades, and Under Armour sportswear, there could be someone dealing with pain. I wish there was a quick answer for every money problem, but sometimes there are real emotional, psychological, and even biological issues that require professional help, such as a financial counselor, a therapist, a psychiatrist, etc.

This is not about creating excuses for financial misbehavior but getting to the root cause. Money problems often mask other pathology. For example, reckless spending could be used to compensate for negative self-worth. Cutting up the credit cards without addressing the disconnect leading to the budgetary malfunction may only provide a temporary reprieve and prove ineffective. That’s because addressing the misbehavior while ignoring the underlying problems prolongs the sickness.

Simply put, the essence of every financial problem is NOT financial mechanics. In fact, over 80% of money problems are BEHAVIORAL. When there’s dysfunction, get the help that’s needed.

Comparing Yourself to Others

There are numerous reasons that may account for someone else’s apparent prosperity, and I sincerely hope that you will concern yourself with none of them (unless you are just looking for ideas to improve yourself). Quite simply, you do not know the circumstances of others. Just because you may be able to approximate their earned income doesn’t mean you know what their passive income, portfolio income, and expenses are like. For example, the person who some may shake their heads at for taking two luxurious vacations annually could own 10 rental properties outright and be completely financially independent. The coworker with the McMansion may have delayed (or decided against) having kids. The friend whose second home is Neiman Marcus could be receiving financial help (economic outpatient care) from the bank of mom and dad. Often you just don’t know.

What I can tell you though is that most financial “short-cuts” lead you down a road that you don’t want to go. Additionally, comparing yourself without taking action to improve your life is a futile exercise at best.

If the people you compare yourself with truly have their acts together, simply wish them well, glean all the wisdom you can get from them, and reassure yourself that there are plenty opportunities for you to achieve the life of your dreams. Don’t let jealousy and envy rob you of enjoying your journey or the opportunity to learn from someone who possibly is operating at a higher level.

Don’t hate, congratulate!

Berating Yourself Over Past Financial Mistakes

Regret is usually a waste of time.(Thomas Crown)

Don’t berate yourself over past money mistakes. If you are over 18, you have made money mistakes. We all have. That doesn’t justify being miserable over what decisions were made 20 years ago. To be perfectly honest, this section is a little bit of a challenge for me to write. I am certainly a fan of a do over. I firmly believe that we can learn, draw inspiration, develop resilience, and create remarkable change all from yesterdays’ mistakes. However, drawing wisdom from the past is not the same as punishing oneself because of regret. Yesterday is in the tomb. Tomorrow is in the womb.

Letting go may be emotionally difficult, especially if you are analytical or really did your absolute best at the time. However, being a slave to past mistakes can rob you of future victories and joys. You are destined to do greater things, but if you refuse to open your hands to let go, you are simultaneously blocking your ability to receive.

Closing Thoughts

In summation, the comfort in holding on to some behaviors is not worth the danger. The power in relinquishing the familiar can be just as revolutionary as more traditional personal finance advice. Recognizing when professional help is necessary and letting go of envy, jealousy, regret, obsessive comparisons to others, and overly scrutinizing reasonable purchases will increase our financial peace as we develop healthy relationships with money.

What you are willing to walk away from that will help effect a significant change in your life. Decide what you will release today!

I personally spend way to much time comparing myself to others. I really need to stop doing that, it is counterproductive. I would also add "keeping too much cash to be safe" to the list. I am guilty of this one too. Yes have an emergency fund, but too much cash simply guarantees inflation decay… Man, I need to get to work…

I'm glad you believe in do overs as well. The growth – the not repeating mistakes again – is very important to me. If we only faced adversity once, then learning may not be as critical. However, we often repeatedly face the same pitfalls, so there's limited valid excuses (if any) for missing the mark.

Agreed. Comparing yourself to others completely can make you miserable. It's easy to do under the guise of something positive, but that still doesn't negate the fact that the energy you are using to compare (often lament) could be better spent building your next adventure and the very foundation to your future success.

Agreed. Money is merely a tool. The level of effort required to get in control of one's finances often depends on the starting point, and for most "going nuts" is not required, especially for the long term. Employing sound financial principles consistently is a much better approach.

Agreed. I try to think of money as simply a tool that can provide assistance in fulfilling my dreams and that it also gives me flexibility which should translate into more free time to spend with loved ones. Just need to focus more on enjoying it!

I definitely agree with not comparing yourself to others. I used to do this and all it cost me was money. There was no reward. I didn't make true friends out of it either. I got these bad habits from my parents who often tried to compete when I grew up. Since I have been an adult I have worked on being more confident in general and realizing that I am great no matter what kind of house I have etc. Now I compete a lot less. It does sneak up every now and then but I definitely make more sound decisions now compared to the past.

Thinking of money as a tool for "fulfilling my dreams" seems like such a more healthier approach and leads to a reasonable relationship with money compared to "going nuts." It's all about priorities, and money and other things, are just resources to make those priorities happen. I agree that we definitely should have joy in the process!

I love the progress. You know I think comparing oneself to others is so draining too. Like you said, there is no reward. That's very insightful. It's creates a lose-lose situation. Accountability versus engaging in jealousy, envy etc. are very different things altogether. Although that's intuitive, sometimes the line between them is not as clearly defined as one may think. Thanks for such a great comment!!!!

Obsessing with reasonable purchases…
I don't know, I still try to minimize purchases. We are in good financial position and can splurge a bit, but I'm still pretty cheap. It's how we got here in the first place and it is difficult to change a habit.

David, I completely agree with you my friend. There is no need. I will admit though that it IS tempting sometimes though. I like your "I compare myself with me." That's infinitely more healthy. Cheers!

I'm certainly not against trying to minimize purchases. I don't want to conflict with frugality as much as I am challenging the assumption that there is no limit to how helpful watching your dollars can be. In other words, I guest the operative words here are "obsessing over reasonable purchases." I think in practice and in theory, we aren't that different on this issue. Cheers!!!

Thanks so much!!!! The comparing ourselves with other is easily the biggest guilty pleasure on the list. It's so easy to do, can be done inconspicuously, and is somewhat socially acceptable in some circles. I'm glad that common sense prevails in your case though. Hopefully, all of us will acquire some. Cheers!!!!

SB, I know where you are coming from. I agree if you don't learn from your mistakes, you're doomed to repeat them. I guess where I draw a distinction for myself is between drawing wisdom from the past versus punishing myself because of regret. I think the latter is very unhealthy and rarely productive. That said, sometimes it is a mixed bag goods. Thanks for you comment!

Shawn, I love this article. In particular, the stop obsessing over past mistakes is something that I continually work to eradicate. I'm mentally say, forget sunk costs, waste is a normal course of doing business and living. Of course the other recommendations are also wonderful. WRT to debt, look for the underlying cause is crucial.

Thanks Barb! your "forget sunk costs, waste is a normal course of doing business and living" mental pep-talk is so pragmatic. It's a shame, sometimes, that human nature tends to unproductive over-analysis. I'm so glad that you like the article. Cheers!