I am an evil giraffe. Who no longer blogs about politics.

When DV-9999 was discovered drifting in Jupiter’s orbit by an extremely classified American military black-ops program, it was the US Navy that ended up getting the derelict interstellar ship after it was towed back to Earth (it is, again, an extremely classified program). Oh, sure, other groups tried to claim it, but the Navy just had the better bureaucratic knife-fighters this time. Sometimes it just comes down to that. It probably also helped that the discovers’ were sort of related to the Navy, in a fairly recondite sort of way. Besides, the Navy was willing enough to share.

Of course, the value of DV-9999 is actually a somewhat complicated question. Its tonnage is about 200 tons, and looks like it was designed for 6 crew members and 4 passengers (assuming human-sizes throughout). There are extensive open spaces inside the ship itself, with direct access to space via a set of doors. The outside also has two hardpoints that look like they were designed to fit weapons pods of some sort; one of the hardpoints is occupied with broken machinery, and one is a melted pile of slag. DV-9999 is also heavily damaged and open to vacuum, with burn-throughs and impact craters consistent with energy and explosive weapons.

Space Dust? ‘Tis the scourge of the space-ways, it is. Not because it affects any Galactic species that still operates in this plane of existence, because Space Dust doesn’t. It really is just made up of regular interstellar dust particles that have been collected until there’s enough to be worth selling to a member of the Precursor species. The species who have theoretically transcended this plane of existence, in other words — but yet now find that Space Dust is the most absolutely, completely, and reverse transcendentally amazing high in any plane of existence.

It’s a sword. Specifically, it’s a carp’s tongue broadsword; it has a wide blade that tapers down to a lengthened point. It’s suitable for slicing, stabbing, and/or thrusting. Human’s provenance is, based on various details, dated as being somewhere around the 12th century BC. Which is awkward, because the blade is made of something roughly equivalent to wootz steel.

Normally, something this anachronistic would be dismissed as a clumsy joke or forgery, but they pulled this sword out of a previously-undisturbed burial mound in northern France during an extremely well-documented expedition. There’s no way that Humanbane could have been inserted into the dig somehow: the cameras were operating 24/7 throughout the entire operation. In some ways, it was a relief when the nice people from the — well, they’re from a pan-European agency, and had the right officials vouching for them, and that was enough — came to collect Humanbane. And replace it with something that looked like it at first, but looked like something else entirely when cleaned. (more…)

Three days ago, something that officially was not an invading starship officially did not engage in orbital combat with a fleet that officially does not operate under the jurisdiction of the North American Orbital Navy (which itself does not exist). After that battle did not happen, the invader absolutely did not crash land about thirty miles north and west of Kikimi, a village in the Democratic Republic of Congo. Because of that, obviously there have been no actions by forces loyal to either what passes for the DRC’s government, or the People’s Republic of China (which is doing its level best to turn the DRC into a mining colony), in order to secure the crash site.

Volpeus is old, even for an animal spirit. It is old, it is crafty, and it utterly loathes humanity (the spirit has nurtured a grudge against Man for thousands of years). It is difficult for mundane authorities to understand just how much bleak hatred Volpeus has in its heart for humans: this hatred has in fact ground away many other parts of both Volpeus’s personality, and its memories. The spirit itself no longer even remembers the origins of its hatred for humanity — and it no longer cares that it has forgotten, either.

Description: A handmade dagger, made out of what appears to be a leaf spring from an automobile. The edges are supernaturally sharp ,if a little irregular; and the ‘hilt’ is simply a section that has been heavily wrapped in duct tape. It looks like it should be about to rust, but never has. It’s light to both hold and use, too. Scratched into the hilt are Hebrew letters that, when transliterated, spell out ‘Gemul.’

Behold Gemul! Yes, that’s right! This is the very dagger used to kill Walter Arnold Foehrkolb!

This pie is made from special apples and nuts; which is to say, ones used in certain rituals for divinatory purposes on Halloween night. Once the rituals are done the apples and nuts are baked into a pie, which then serves as a powerful aid to spiritualism and voluntary possession. Whoever eats a slice of Applenut Pie will find that she has become incredibly sensitive to the spirit world; a spirit may possess the subject automatically if she does not resist, and ghosts and ethereal entities are likewise automatically audible to the subject. The effects usually only last about ten minutes, and eating an entire pie will almost certainly render the eater unconscious after about an hour or so. (more…)

Asakku are ancient Mesopotamian fever demons. In appearance they are about three or so inches high, look like the usual mishmash of animal body parts (dog’s head, lion’s legs, bird’s claws and wings), and are generally accompanied by a hot, dry breeze. They attack humans by infecting them with serious fevers, headaches, and exhaustion. And they’ve always been around.