May 09, 2005

The half–light of morning

Fearometer: 5

Things have come a long way, and so you feel its time to write something entirely positive, with none of those bittersweet overtones (ok a few). To be entirely honest life is good. You find beauty in the everyday, time does not entirely elude your grasp. Happiness is an awkward coat to wear but it fits better than it ever could that angry teary child alone in the cubicles. Then was not yet time.

Anxiety still clasps at your chest every now and again but somehow a sense of perspective has been added to the frame. The calm after the storm for the nerves is palpable. And it is not the saccharine calm of apathy, you realise now that life involves your involvement. Things do not ever do themselves, no matter how much you may will it. And it is thrilling to do them, affecting change is empowering. Actions are in the imperative.

To live like that was not to live, eyes wide open let in too much searing light. More viable is eyes half closed, as in the light of early morning. Some emotions must be censored in order to carry on. To be overwhelmed is life hiding from the oncoming flow. A degree of detachment may seem traitorous, but it is needed for preservation of everyday life.

Perhaps this state has also needed surrender, fighting against the tides from without made you weary and slip beneath the waves. To let go of shame and self castigation for the state things were in allows for more resources to battle the inner tides, those that must not be succumbed to.

This feeling of happiness is felt at the back of your throat, like a suppressed laugh. And perhaps thats what it is- a laugh at all the ridiculous beautiful spectacle of it all.