Monday, September 28, 2009

9.28.09

F********KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I am soooo pissed off right now! I decided to weigh myself, MISTAKE! and I'm still 120 POUNDS! IM SO FREAKIN SICK OF BEING THIS DAMN FAT! I hate this so much...

ya so today i woke up at 6 a.m. and discovered that little gem and then i freaked out and was mad...am still mad. but i went to class and by freaking 9:30 my stomach was screaming at me! WTF! its only 9:30!!! I was so pissed off! So I told it to shut the F**k up but it wouldn't... i have a bag of peanuts, salted peanuts, in my purse and they were beconing me but I couldn't eat them because: 1. I'm suppose to be fasting, and 2. They have 230 cals and 170 from fat! So i begged ana for help anything any freakin way to get rid of this stupid ridiculous 9:30 a.m. craving. So i told myself if I just waited then I could have 5 mini rice cakes at 12:45 when I got home. thats 37 calories. That sounded sensible because even though I am 'fasting' I am still allowing some sort of intake now because I'm not entirely strong enough yet so I'm just severely restricting, under 200 cals or less.

So, I had a plan. I still f**ked it up of course! At about 10:30 I decided I didn't feel well and didn't want to be at class anymore so I decided to go home and sleep. On the way home my stupid a** MIA came pumelling in! Screaming at me to binge so I can purge, if I just purge I would feel better and I wouldn't feel so sad if I could just PURGE! So I come home and pace in front of the cabinet letting my Ana and my Mia battle it out to see who will win. My head is hurting now, I'm shaking, and I'm exhausted so Ana and I are still weak and we give into Mia. But, it wasn't all bad I decided to go to my mini gumball machine and chew about 100 pieces of bubble gum while chugging 3 bottles of water and purged. I guess its not as bad as it could have been but throwing up water doesn't always do the trick thats why I chewed that sugary gum but I had to throw up the sugar ya kno... then, well now I suppose I have just taken 5 laxatives.

So now, its time for my rice cakes but I'm way to pissed off to allow myself to have any and theres no freaking way I'm even going to let myself have tea or water or coffee. I'm just going to sit here and make myself suffer and let my stomach cramp and scream because I deserve it for being so weak.

OMG I'm still so pissed off... I can't get over the fact that I'm 120! How the hell did I allow myself to get this huge??? OMG it makes me want to cry... im miserable...

I'll let you know how much I weigh after the lax and it better be under 120 pounds otherwise I'm going to freaking loose my mind for good!

About Me

My life has been and is currently controlled, influenced, and dictated by my ED. This is my time to rant about my life and my now uncontrollable behaviors. I hope you enjoy and please do not take offense. I love you all and I do not wish anyone to have to experience what I have. I support you all and I appreciate your loving, caring, and supportive thoughts.
Stay strong <3