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How would this make you feel?

We have 3 kids, and one of them is a newborn. Because she doesn't sleep much at night, I have gotten very little sleep. My husband sets his alarm for 5am every morning, but doesn't get up until 6:30 or 7. He hits the snooze, and it doesn't even wake him up. This morning it goes off and I deal with it for 1 1/2 hours. I finally just started yelling (I know, not the best thing to do) and instead of just getting up, he covers his head and says "stop yelling at me bi*ch". Why cant he even act like he cares that I never get sleep? He leaves most days at 7:30 and doesn't come home until between 10:30 and 12. He doesn't see the kids except a little in the morning and sunday. He expects me to get everything done, take care of the kids, and get any errands done on maybe 3 hours of sleep a night, and most nights is even less. Is it to much to ask for him to help out a little, or even take our older two on a saturday morning so I can sleep when the baby sleeps? Sorry for ranting a bit, I'm just tired and pissed off.

My husband grew up with a Dad that couldn't be bothered to ever even toss a baseball with him. That just made him want to be there even more for our boys. Your husband sounds totally self absorbed, and he will not change because you are doing nothing to get him too.

Quoting Anonymous:

He grew up without a father. I think because of that, he thinks everything should be fine with me doing everything. He works, but thats all he does (not saying that isn't important).

Quoting Anonymous:

I had no idea there were so many pathetic selfish "men" out there until I joined cafemom. I would never have had another child with my husband if he chose not ot be involved with our first.

You need to have a serious talk with him, although if he's been getting away with doing nothing for years I can't imagine he will change willingly now. It's so sad, kids aren't small for long.

That's exactly how my ex acted and EXACTLY what he told me when I asked of he even wanted to be with me. Turned out he didn't want to be with me so he got (emotionally) abusive and started cheating on me with a friend of mine. Your already do it all on your own, remember that.

Quoting Anonymous:

I've asked him if the only reason we're together is because of the kids, and everytime he says If he didn't want to be with me he wouldn't be.

Quoting misslady80013:

After I read it, I was thinking the same thing!

Quoting auroragold:

he called you a bitch?

Sorry but name calling - ANY NAME - in anger is unacceptable in my book and would be terms for an all out battle.

The rest of it -- sounds like he doesn't want to be a father participating in the raising of his children - just a sperm donor.

I had an IUD after our second because I didnt want to get my tubes tied, but I had problems with it, so they gave me a pill, and our last was a bc baby. I'm scheduled for the Esssure the end of the month. There won't be anymore, I told him I was done having kids because each pregnancy is worse than the last.

Quoting 3xangel:

Why do you keep having kids with him * knowing* he doesn't help you out? He sounds like an immature douchebag. You two need to get into marriage counseling ASAP! You cannot continue to run on E and he cannot continue to be a weekend dad and father.

by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
on Mar. 2, 2012 at 9:28 AM

My last birth control didnt work. We were done at 2, but didnt want to do something permenent. Now I'm getting Essure, bc doesn't work for me.

Quoting Elyce225:

I would be pissed off for sure.

I have to ask the obvious question though. Why have more kids if he doesn't see them or help?

Newborns are so hard to take care of and having two kids on top of that is tough. I have three kids three years and under (and a 12 year old), I can't imagine if my DH was gone those hours.

If I were you I would apologize for yelling than *tell* him that he needs to help with the baby in the middle of the night so you are not too over tired and resort to yelling.

Understandable. I hope you put your foot down and let him know that his behavior is unacceptable, and that he needs to step it up. Good luck

Quoting Anonymous:

I had an IUD after our second because I didnt want to get my tubes tied, but I had problems with it, so they gave me a pill, and our last was a bc baby. I'm scheduled for the Esssure the end of the month. There won't be anymore, I told him I was done having kids because each pregnancy is worse than the last.

Quoting 3xangel:

Why do you keep having kids with him * knowing* he doesn't help you out? He sounds like an immature douchebag. You two need to get into marriage counseling ASAP! You cannot continue to run on E and he cannot continue to be a weekend dad and father.

This sound like my ex husband. This would be mean but you should order a screaming meanie alarm clock but plan to have yourself and kids spend the night elswhere. I guarentee that thing would have him up and out of bed within minutes of it going off. He'd be mad I am sure but it would be effective.

My ex never did anything with or for our daughter unless I forced him to. It's pretty sad and his loss because he has missed out on a lot. During the divorce he flat out told me he never did it because it was MY JOB. He actually walked out on us because I complained to him that he did not help me with our child (there was no yelling or cussing) and because I had not been the same for months (I was grieving).

by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
on Mar. 2, 2012 at 9:30 AM

I will. I'm going to try talking to him tonight. I just hope I can talk right. I have a dentist appointment and might need wisdom teeth pulled.

Quoting ErikaRobin:

Call it tough love, babe. You must do this. Must.

Will you keep me posted, please?

Quoting Anonymous:

Thank you for being hard on me about this. I will change what I'm asking him and when.

Quoting ErikaRobin:

You're not listening to me.

"HOW WILL YOU HELP ME FIND A SOLUTION TO THIS PROBLEM?"

Don't ask him IF he'll help you. Ask him HOW he'll help you. Your choice of words is important in this. And your demeanor is also important. Don't ask him when you're exhausted and irritable and don't ask him right when he gets home from work. Ask him when you're both happy. This takes PLANNING, but it will work.

If he's still a twatmuffin about it, tell him (don't ASK) that you need twenty dollars to pay a sitter so you can get some sleep.

Doormats get no respect. Pick yourself up off the floor and make this better for yourself, your kids, your sanity.

Quoting Anonymous:

When I ask, he tells me he's to busy and has to work.

Quoting ErikaRobin:

You've tried telling him. Have you tried asking him for help?

That whole mind reading thing? Yeah. I'm saying read him what I wrote word for word. At least the last part of it. "How will you help me find a solution to this problem?"

Say that.

Men speak a different language. They don't get the subtleties of "I'm tired" and "the kids won't behave". They say, "So go to sleep" and "So make them behave". Like it's just that simple. WE know it's not.

Read him what I wrote and don't do it with an attitude, be sincere. You're angry, yes, but you want him to help you and you won't get it by getting mad. You've seen what response that gets.

Quoting Anonymous:

I've actually tried to tell him that no sleep, the kids not listening, and him being awful is going to drive me crazy, and I've fallen asleep on the couch when I sit down for a small break. My kids had to wake me up when the baby was crying.

Quoting ErikaRobin:

He sounds like a real prince.

I have to remind you that even the most charming of princes can't be mind readers. You have to plan. You have to be less clueless than he is.

Tell him: "Look. It's really hard to operate on so little sleep. It's hard to catch up on it during the day, when you can't get three kids to nap at the same time. Parents who suffer from sleep deprivation have been known to have mental breakdowns and kill their snooze-button pushing spouses...in the face...with fire. How will you help me find a solution to this problem?"

I agree with previous posters............you need to have a talk with him about the lack of respect he shows you. Would he call you names around the kids? You don't want them thinking that it's normal for daddies to talk to mommies that way.

That being said, I, myself, am a a snooze-button-hitter. My DH put up with it for a while, but we finally had to work out an arrangement: the alarm is on his side of the bed, and he makes sure to get me up on time. Usually, we're about on the same schedule, so it works for us. Maybe, if your DH is open to a discussion with you about this, you could suggest something to that affect. Then again, you need your sleep and if he gets up early and you've just gone to sleep after BF'ing, that may not work. Either way, talk to him!

by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
on Mar. 2, 2012 at 9:33 AM

1 mom liked this

After talking to some of the ladies on here, things are either going to change, or he can fight for custody. I hate that I have to be mean to get through, but I might have to be.

Quoting Anonymous:

My husband grew up with a Dad that couldn't be bothered to ever even toss a baseball with him. That just made him want to be there even more for our boys. Your husband sounds totally self absorbed, and he will not change because you are doing nothing to get him too.

Quoting Anonymous:

He grew up without a father. I think because of that, he thinks everything should be fine with me doing everything. He works, but thats all he does (not saying that isn't important).

Quoting Anonymous:

I had no idea there were so many pathetic selfish "men" out there until I joined cafemom. I would never have had another child with my husband if he chose not ot be involved with our first.

You need to have a serious talk with him, although if he's been getting away with doing nothing for years I can't imagine he will change willingly now. It's so sad, kids aren't small for long.

by Anonymous 4
on Mar. 2, 2012 at 9:34 AM

I agree, its totally ridiculous, but you have to do what you have to do! Good luck:)

Quoting Anonymous:

After talking to some of the ladies on here, things are either going to change, or he can fight for custody. I hate that I have to be mean to get through, but I might have to be.

Quoting Anonymous:

My husband grew up with a Dad that couldn't be bothered to ever even toss a baseball with him. That just made him want to be there even more for our boys. Your husband sounds totally self absorbed, and he will not change because you are doing nothing to get him too.

Quoting Anonymous:

He grew up without a father. I think because of that, he thinks everything should be fine with me doing everything. He works, but thats all he does (not saying that isn't important).

Quoting Anonymous:

I had no idea there were so many pathetic selfish "men" out there until I joined cafemom. I would never have had another child with my husband if he chose not ot be involved with our first.

You need to have a serious talk with him, although if he's been getting away with doing nothing for years I can't imagine he will change willingly now. It's so sad, kids aren't small for long.

Send me email updates about messages I've received on the site and the latest news from The CafeMom Team.
By signing up, you certify that you are female and accept the Terms of Service and have read the
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