"This just in Plaxico Burress just shot Santonio Holmes in the leg which made him accidentally toss a glass in a woman’s face. This caused him to knock over Ben Roethlisberger who fell on an under aged college student and feel her up. Jeff Reed saw the whole thing and smashed the paper towel holder causing Matt Spaeth to piss all over the guy next to him which happened to be Roger Goodell and now they all are having a very productive serious meeting in the alley."