Barnstable gets anti-bullying lesson

Friday

Oct 8, 2010 at 2:00 AM

Parents and educators in the Barnstable School District got an important lesson in anti-bullying this week from bullying prevention specialist Stan Davis.

Kathleen Szmit

Kathleen Szmit Photos MAKING A CHANGE – Parents and educators listen to anti-bullying specialist Stan Davis discuss the issue of bullying during the first of two forums on the subject Oct. 6 at Barnstable High School.

Stan Davis educates parents, school staff

Parents and educators in the Barnstable School District got an important lesson in anti-bullying this week from bullying prevention specialist Stan Davis. In two separate forums, each with similar messages, Davis offered insight into the impact of parenting, the differences in addressing the issue of bullying past and present, and what parents and educators can do to deal with and help prevent bullying. On Oct. 6, Davis spoke with a largely female crowd at the Knight Auditorium, focusing primarily on parenting styles and the importance of parenting for resiliency. Drawing on information from psychologist Diana Baumrind, Davis shared with the audience of roughly 75 that there are four types of parents: Authoritarian, Authoritative, Uninvolved, and Permissive. According to Davis, the optimal parenting style to strive for is Authoritative as it strikes a balance between consistent expectations and high warmth and involvement. Davis stressed that the “self-esteem movement” of the 1970s, when parents were encouraged to constantly boost their children’s self-esteem, largely succeeded in creating narcissistic adults. He cautioned strongly against the use of “I” messages with children (i.e. “I feel hurt when you…”), noting that such messages can interfere with the development of real empathy since ultimately a child comes to believe that the feelings of others are his or her responsibility. “Do we really want to raise kids who think everybody’s feelings are their fault?” Davis asked. “At any given time in a family, everybody might be having a different feeling, but it’s not because of anything anybody did. Feelings just are.” Instead, he advised parents to use everyday experiences such as movies, television shows, or books as teaching tools. “[Ask children,] ‘What do you do when you’re angry? What do you do when you’re sad?,’” Davis said. Parents were also urged to help guide children and teens away from fixed mindset thinking, and instead encourage problem solving, understanding correlations between behaviors and outcomes, and ways to understand and cope with difficult emotions. Holding children responsible for their actions is also important, said Davis. “You do stuff, stuff happens,” he said. Such thinking, according to Davis, pertains to both negative and positive behaviors in order to build a sense of self-efficacy. “We want kids to say, ‘If I do things in a positive direction, there will be a positive outcome,” Davis said. “Show them what they do right, and what impact it has.” In dealing with a bullying situation at school, Davis asked parents to weigh the severity of the situation on a similar scale to a medical issue. “Is this something I would think, ‘I’d like my kid to deal with that,’ or is it more serious?,” Davis said. “And always thank them for telling.” Getting kids to talk about their issues, and even simple day-to-day happenings, is crucial, Davis said. When faced with kids reluctant to talk, Davis urged parents to “keep asking.” If a school isn’t responding properly to a bullying situation, Davis encouraged parents to make a list of each situation as dispassionately as possible and present it to the principal. Calling the other parent, however, was not advised. “It’s likely to lead to serious conflict,” Davis said. Barnstable High School principal Patrick Clark, who attended both forums at the school, found Davis’s information thought provoking. “As a parent, it makes you reflect on your own parenting,” Clark said. “I hope I’m in the authoritative category.” At the Oct. 6 forum, Clark shared an idea to form a team of people from various youth services, including the Hyannis Youth and Community Center, Boy Scouts, the YMCA and others, to discuss anti-bullying methods in the hopes of creating a community-wide plan. Clark planned to discuss the concept with Davis during the high school session Oct. 7. The forum was part of the district’s plan to implement its anti-bullying plan, which is part of the new state law on the same issue.