Jerusalem Mortimer wants a word

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The Gates of Ivory: The Corrs and their Other Encounter

And then the Corrs produce this singing fishtank, as big as a football field, and they drag it into place where Warpaint’s pool table used to be. And there’s mermaids in there, brushing their hair and singing songs that don’t have lyrics, except for “weia weia woglalala” and such.

So I’m like, “Thanks for the fish tank and all, but, hey, I like totally never ordered a fish tank and I fully don’t want to see it on the bill, man. Or man-ettes.”

And the like senior Corr, she goes, “Noa, m’darlin, the fish tank is gratis.”

And I’m like what?

She’s all, “I mean it’s free, y’… handsome devil, and sure and you’ll be grateful to us later. Sometimes you just foind you need a fish tank. This one’s fully operational, and fires real fish.”*

So I go, “Yeah like totally whatever. Hey, you wanna get with the party in the front seat here? My body is like totally a theme park for rock chicks, Corr-ette, whichever one you are.”

And the Corr of Corrs is all, “Thanks sugar, but no. We got another appointment.”

And I’m like, “Appointment?”

And the middle Corr says, “yeah, it’s a guy like you. We just have to go and see him sometimes. And we do this thing.”

PVC raincoats are a thing.

“Thing?”

“To be sure. We turn up in these little see-through raincoats, and he reads us a poem he’s written. A really angry, angry, angry poem. And then we splash blood everywhere, and we take off our raincoats and we tell him he’s the greatest poet who ever lived. Total genius, the poet’s poet’s poet.”

I’m, “No way!”

“Absolutely way.”

So I’m all, “And then what happens?”

And the two older Corrs are all looking at each other, like they don’t remember what comes next, and they’re totally shaking their heads, and it’s the junior Corr who goes, “No, m’jo, that’s it.”

And I’m like, “It? Freakin fuckin deacon, that’s not much of a party, is it? Not like the fun the Chicks and Warpaint are having.”

And the Corrs are like, “No, acushla, we find it an utterly satisfying encounter. In. Every. Way. We love it and it gives us complete physical satisfaction. As women.”

I’m like, “wow”, and then they’re all, like, bye, and they sing a unison see you later to the Dixies, and they skate off.

And I’m shaken by the whole thing, and while I’m thinking it over the Chicks and Warpaint suddenly chorus, “Awwwww! It’s gone soft! Isn’t that just the sweetest, most adorable thing?”

I’m like, “It’s totally never happened before, it’s not you, it’s, I’m under a lot of … Wait a second: sweetest? Adorable? Are you sure?”

* Friends of mine will note that I’ve stolen Michael Moorcock’s “fish tank” gag again, but it was bound to happen, soon. Least I’ve got it out of the way.