Come on, boys! The way you're lollygaggin' around here with them picks and them shovels, you'd think it was a hundert an' twenty degrees...! Can't be more than a hundert an' fourteen! [A Chinese railroad worker collapses from heat exhaustion] Dock that Chink a day's pay for napping on the job.

There might be a legal precedent. Land snatching. [searches books] "L-l-land. See snatch." (NOTE: in the TV-edit of this film, the info he's looking for is found under "Property" rather than "Snatch".)

[monologue to the camera] A sheriff! But law and order is the last thing I want! Wait a minute...maybe I can use this to my advantage. If I could find a sheriff who so offends the people of Rock Ridge that his very appearance would drive them out of town! Wherever will I find such a man? [To the camera] Why am I asking you?

[Hailing a cab in Hollywood] Drive me off this picture!

[his last line, after Bart outdraws him in a climactic shootout @ Graumann's Chinese Theater in Hollywood] ...How did he (Douglas Fairbanks) do such fantastic stunts - with such little feet?

[as Bart puts on his guns to fight Mongo] No. Don't do that, don't do that. If you shoot him you'll just make him mad.

What did you expect? "Welcome, sonny?" "Make yourself at home?" "Marry my daughter?" You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons.

It got so that every pissant prairie punk who thought he could shoot a gun would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid. I must've killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. Got pretty gritty. Started hearing the word "draw" in my sleep. Then one day, I was walking down the street when I heard someone shout, "Reach for it, mister!" I turned around to see who it was, and there I was, standing face-to-face...with a 6 year-old kid. I just put my guns down and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the ass!

[upon seeing a gate come down from a constructed wooden toll booth] Le Petomane Thruway?! Now, what'll that asshole think of next? Does anybody got a dime? Somebody's gotta go back and get a shitload of dimes!

[on returning to the job site to witness everyone singing Camptown Races] What in the Wide, Wide, World of Sports is going on here?

Taggart: Well, that's where we go a-ridin' into town, a-whoppin' and a-whumpin' every livin' thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the womenfolks, of course.

Hedley Lamarr: You spare the women?

Taggart: Naw, we rape the shit out of them at the Number 6 Dance later on!

Hedley Lamarr: Marvelous!

Reverend Johnson: Now I don't have to tell you good folks what's been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. The time has come to act, and act fast. I'm leaving.

[one of the townspeople refuses to budge and reminds the pastor that he's not going to let some rustlers chase him and the others out of town.]

Reverend Johnson: ...So, to close this meeting, let us read from the Books of Matthew, Mark, Luke... [a bundle of dynamite is tossed into the church through a stained-glass window] ...and DUCK! [explosion]

Taggart: Well, holy mother of pearl! It's that nigger that went and hit me over the head with a shovel! Now, just what do you think you're doin' with that tin star, boy?!

Bart: [still gruffly, to Howard] Drop it, or I swear I'll blow this nigger's head ALL OVER THIS TOWN! [minstrel voice] Oh, Lawdy-Lawd, he's desp'at! Do what he say, do what he SAY...! [Howard slowly drops the gun]

Taggart: [finally finding a pen and paper] Could you repeat that, sir?

Hedley Lamarr: [Groan!]

Lyle: [Taunting the mainly-black railworkers] When you was slaves, you sang like birds. Come on! How about a good old nigger work song?

[Enraged, the workers move to attack him, but are stopped by Bart. He promptly proceeds to sing.]

Bart: [Crooning, Sammy Davis, Jr.-style, with fellow railworkers providing backing vocals] I get no kick from champagne... Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all...[the bullying supervisors look immensely confused and insulted] so why then should it be true?... that I get a belt - outta you... Some get a kick from coca-yeai-yeaiiiinnnneee...

Lyle: Hold it! Hold it! What the hell is that shit?! I meant a song! A real song! Something like [singing] "Swing low, sweet chariot"...

[The white supervisors begin joining in, complete with ludicrous dancing actions, much to the amusement of the railworkers. Suddenly, Taggart rides in aboard a galloping horse, shooting wildly into the air, interrupting the song, and scattering the white supervisors aside.]

Taggart: What in the Wide Wide World of Sports is a-goin' on here? I hired you people to get some track laid, not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots!

Buddy Bizarre: CUT!!!!! What in the hell do you think you're doing here? This is a closed set.

[Bart dresses himself as a carnival barker and stands by a wishing well]

Bart: Step right up, ladies and gentlemen and...Mongos! Dive, dive, dive for buried treasure! This is the exact spot where the Spanish Armada was sunk by the British Navy [They're in the middle of a desert on the Western Frontier], leaving millions and millions of Spanish dubloons at the bottom of the sea!

Mongo: [excited] Spanish balloons? Mongo take chance!

Taggart: We'll head them off at the pass!!

Hedley Lamarr: "Head them off at the pass!?!" I hate that cliché!! [Shoots Taggart in the foot while Lyle runs off, not wanting to anger his boss.]

Jim: I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Lyle: Don't pay no attention to that alky. He can't even hold a gun, much less shoot it.

[Jim preps himself by licking his finger and blowing it; Lyle, Taggart and their men take aim at Bart]

Lyle: Like I said, on the count of three. One. Two. Three.

[Jim draws both of his own guns, shooting those of Taggart and Company out of their hands. The railroad workers cheer and congratulate Jim, while the villains struggle to take in what just happened]

Bart: Well don't just stand there lookin' stupid, grasping your hands in pain. How about an applause for the Waco Kid.

Gum-chewing outlaw: .[panicked] ..I didn't know there was going to be so many! [Lamarr shoots him dead]

Jim: Boy, is he strict!

[Harriet Johnson reads her letter to the Governor]

Harriet Johnson:[quietly] To the honorable William J. Le Petomane, Governor...

Townspeople: Louder! We can't hear you!

Harriet Johnson: I'm not used to public speaking.

[clears her throat]

Harriet Johnson: WE THE WHITE, GOD-FEARING CITIZENS OF ROCK RIDGE

[The townspeople jumps in shock.]

Harriet Johnson: ...wish to express our extreme displeasure with your choice of sheriff. Please remove him immediately! The fact that you have sent him here just goes to prove that you are the leading asshole in the state!

[Bart, disguised as a Klansman, describes his qualifications as a villain]

Bart: Stampeding cattle.

Hedley Lamarr: That's not much of a crime.

Bart: ...through the Vatican?

Hedley Lamarr: [smiling] Kinky. Sign here.

[Jim, also disguised as a Klansman, covers for Bart's slip]

Jim: Why Rhett! How many times have I told you to wash up after a weekly cross-burning? See, it's coming off.

Bart: And now, for my next impression... Jesse Owens!

Governor William J. Le Petomane: Holy underwear! Sheriff murdered? Innocent women and children blown to bits? We've got to protect our phoney-baloney jobs, gentleman! We must do something about this immediately! Immediately, immediately! Harrumph, harrumph!" [Other staff 'harrumph' as well] I didn't get a "harrumph" out of that guy!

Hedley Lamarr: [sighs, then gives the governor a paddleball] Here, sir, play with this.

Governor William J. Le Petomane: Oh, thank you, Hedey.

Hedley Lamarr: No, it's HEDLEY!

Governor William J. Le Petomane: It is?

Hedley Lamarr: ...Today, we embark on a crusade to stamp out runaway decency in the West. You will be risking only your lives, while I will be risking an almost-certain Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor. Raise your right hands for the pledge. And repeat after me: I...

Men: I...

Hedley Lamarr: ...your name...

Men: ...your name...

Hedley Lamarr: [to himself] Shmucks. [continues aloud]

Hedley Lamarr: ...pledge allegiance...

Men: ...pledge allegiance...

Hedley Lamarr: ...to Hedley Lamarr...

Men: ...to Hedy Lamarr...

Hedley Lamarr: THAT'S HEDLEY!

Men: That's Hedley!

Hedley Lamarr: ...and to the evil...

Men: ...and to the evil...

Hedley Lamarr: ...for which he stands.

Men: ...for which he stands.

Hedley Lamarr: Now go do... that voodoo... that YOU do... SO WELL...! [Men shoot at the sky in joy and ride off]

[En route to Rock Ridge, Taggart and his army find a tollbooth in their way. The toll is 10 cents.]