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February 22, 2013

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It Doesn’t Exist Yet

Sony announced the PS4 at a big fancy event this week, but failed to show us what the console actually looks like. Until I see one with my own eyes, I refuse to believe it exists. “But you’ve never seen a million dollars. Do you believe a million dollars exists?” might be your retort. “You are the worst. I never want to take a road trip with you,” would be my response.

It’s Probably Enormous

When the PS3 was unveiled, people ripped on it for being way too big. Not cool, nerds. Remember high school much? Sometimes when you go through major phases of growth, you become kind of a fatass. It’s not a big deal, we’ve all been there. But the space underneath my modest television might not be able to accommodate the refrigerator-sized successor to the PS3. It still probably won’t be as big as the original Xbox controller.

“Wow. That’s Expensive As Fuck.”

They haven’t announced how much the PS4 will cost, but industry analysts are certain it will make you say, “Wow. That’s expensive as fuck.” You might say it in your head, you might say it out loud, but you will say it. Then you’ll buy it. Because you like new things almost as much as you like credit card debt, and you’ve been trying to fill a void in your life with material possessions for as long as you can remember making choices. Get it together! Spend your money on something nice for once, like buying your grandmother flowers. Fun fact: that advice still works even if she’s dead.

Anti-Social Gaming

The PS4 has all kinds of social features, including a “share” button on the controller, that let you integrate your gaming world with your established social networks. How is that a good thing? If I wanted to hang out with everybody I know, I wouldn’t be in a dark room wearing a headset by myself. The only people I want to socialize with when I play videogames are complete strangers of varying age ranges from all around the world. Is that so much to ask?

No New Vectorman

Sony rolled out a great lineup of new games for the PS4, but one title was conspicuously absent: Vectorman. For those who don’t know, Vectorman was one of the greatest titles ever released on the Sega Genesis. You play new games, but worship the old. One is silver and the other is gold. What do we have to do to get a new Vectorman? Sign a White House petition? Make a Kickstarter? Riot in the streets? The studio that created Vectorman no longer exists, but there was almost a reboot of the series for PS2 according to a Wikipedia article I read way too often. So it’s possible! Possible to waste your life reading shit that doesn’t matter.

Playstation 5

The most obvious reason to not buy a Playstation 4 is the inevitable release of the Playstation 5. The Playstation 5 is going to make your Playstation 4 look like a TurboGrafix-16. Then the Playstation 6 is going to come out and make your Playstation 5 look like an abacus. Rumor has it that the Playstation 7 will be able to 3D print you a sandwich and the Playstation 8 will have time travel capability. I heard from a guy with a cousin who used to work at EB Games that the Playstation 9 will be a spaceship. The future is nuts! So don’t waste your money today on what will surely look out of date tomorrow. Spend it on something that will be cool forever, like donuts. Everybody loves donuts.