Del is sat with Denzil dressed in top hat and jacket. Denzil is dressed smartly but with no top hat.

DEL

He’s a diamond, that brother of mine. Not that he’s a better choice than you, Denzil. He’s family, you know.

DENZIL

It’s fine, Del. We’ll all have a cracking day. Sounds like Rodney has it all sorted.

Rodney enters with Mickey Pearce. Both are in suits but no top hat.

DEL

Here he comes, look. What’s up, Rodders? You look like Eddie the Eagle’s beaten you over the line.

RODNEY

I’ve had a bit of an issue with the Venue.

DEL

Right. So… What’s happening?

DENZIL

Yeah. Where are we going?

RODNEY

Romford Dogs.

DEL

We’re going to the Dogs?

RODNEY

Yeah. Look, sorry Del. I just couldn’t…

DEL

I told you he was a diamond, Didn’t I, Denzil? Mum always said “If you look after him, he’ll look after you” Now I know how bloody wrong she was.

In the background Boycie, Marlene and Tyler, all togged up, walk through the crowded bar.

Denzil notices them first and nudges Del. Del looks round and upon seeing Boycie, stands.

DEL

Oh my god. As if my day couldn’t get any worse.

Rodney’s face drops.

BOYCIE

Blimey, this old place hasn’t changed.

(to Del)

And neither has your taste in clothes. Alright, Del-boy?

DEL

Good to see you, too, Boycie. Your taste in put down’s hasn’t changed, either. Still a snob, then? How’s Marlene.

Del and Marlene embrace with the obligatory “yelp” from Marlene.

MARLENE

You ain’t changed, Del.

BOYCIE

No he hasn’t. That’s the same suit I last saw him in.

DEL

Didn’t know you were coming?

BOYCIE

Oh yes, Del. Marlene, Tyler and I were quite excited to receive your wedding and stag invitation. So we booked into the Hotel down the road and here we are. Business good, Del?

DEL

Well, Boycie, actually I retired. Damien here is in charge of the business.

RODNEY

I’m still the M.D.

DEL

Like I said, Damien is in charge of the business.

MARLENE

Cor look at you, Damien. When I last saw you, you were full of spots and hair gel.

RODNEY

Now he’s full of bull..

DEL

Yes, Damien is now a daddy in his own right. Got a little Boy. I’m now a Grandaddy.

MARLENE

Really, Who’d of thought. How old?

DAMIEN

Three weeks. We called him Rafael.

BOYCIE

Rafael? Raf Trotter? You only need to put a riff in front of that and you’d be spot on.

DEL

Take no notice, Damien. He’s always been a snob.

BOYCIE

Well, Marlene. You’d better head back to the hotel. Me and Tyler will be alright for today’s festivities. Oh Didn’t I introduce Tyler? Come here, Son.

Tyler stands forward and shakes hands with everyone. Stands with Damien who is a similar age.

BOYCIE

Tylers just finished his University stint. Haven’t you, son.

RODNEY

Oh is that right? So what job are you doing, now?

TYLER

I’m on the dole.

BOYCIE

Er. He’s just waiting for the right opportunity to come along.

DAMIEN

Stick with me, Tyler. I’ll see your alright.

BOYCIE

Rodney, what have you been up to?

RODNEY

I’m the M.D. I also drive the van.

BOYCIE

Bloody hell. That’s a bit of a miracle.

RODNEY

What’s that?

BOYCIE

That van’s still running. So, what’s the agenda today, then. I must say you’re splashing out a bit. Royal Ascot. Mind you, I’m used to functions like this out in the country.

RODNEY

Yeah, well there’s been a last minute change of plan.

DEL

Ain’t there just.

RODNEY

We’re not going to Royal Ascot now.

BOYCIE

Oh. What’s the alternative?

RODNEY

Romford Dogs.

BOYCIE

We’re going to the dogs? Blimey. Perhaps Marlene should have come along. I could have lost her in the kennels for a couple of hours.

DENZIL

Who are we waiting for?

RODNEY

No, that’s all of us.

MICKEY

Remember I’ve got to be back by half eight.

RODNEY

Yeah yeah Mickey.

INT. ROMFORD DOGS – BAR – DAY

The stag do entourage enter the bar. The Ritz it is not. They loiter near the bar area. There are punters sitting at tables more interested in the monitors than anything else.

BOYCIE

So Rodney. Me and Tyler came to Del’s stag do expecting royal ascot.. and we’ll now be going home smelling like K9’s jock strap. Tell me… What happened.?

RODNEY

What happened? It’s perfectly obvious what happened, Boycie. I cocked up on the booking. I remember it now , I was at the auctions after those Bluetooth earpieces Damian wanted and I must of got me dates wrong.

BOYCIE

Oh how nice. So the company is now cornering the world in Bluetooth devices.

MICKEY

I wouldn’t want one of them.

RODNEY

What?

MICKEY

Bluetooth earpieces.

RODNEY

Probably because no one ever calls you. Denzil’s got one.

Denzil is tapping away at his ear trying to get it to work.

DEL

Cor blimey, hurry up and get us a drink will ya I’m dying of thirst here.

Lager. Do I look like a lager lout to you, Bruv? Look at me, look, I’m done up to the nines. I feel a right div. Talk about overdressed.

RODNEY

Del – You’ve been overdressed all your life. When you went to have that filling done you wore a three piece suit.

MICKEY

Come on Rodney get this show on the road I’m on limited time, here.

RODNEY

Alright alright. Well let’s all put a score in for a beer kitty and take it from there. Micky get the rest of ‘em to sit down at that table and I’ll bring the the drinks over.

The group sit on the round table. Minus Del who’s gone to

the toilet.

DENZIL

So, Boycie, how’s life on the farm ?

BOYCIE

Busy Denzil, busy. Cattle to feed, fields to mow, Scarecrows to make. Oh yes. It’s one job after another. You should come and visit one day, denzil, I’m sure there’s a pig sty that needs mucking out somewhere or another. (Boycie laugh)

DENZIL

Thanks Boycie. I’ll keep it mind.

MICKEY

Scarecrows? Here, why don’t you just save the time and get Marlene to indulge in an early morning walk!

BOYCIE

How dare you talk about my wife like that!

TYLER

Yeah!

BOYCIE

You can’t expect her to walk that far.

TYLER

Yeah!

BOYCIE

Not at her age, anyway.

MICKEY

So Rod. Any plans to stitch up Del boy?

RODNEY

Well I can’t dress him up in anything. I mean he looks a big enough plonker as it is !

MICKEY

I remember When I was best man, god I hated the job. You’ve got to be so careful with the speech not to upset either side of the family. I was best man to eddie Collins, you remember him don’t you?

RODNEY

Yeah. We were in the same class at school wern’t we Mickey? Poor sod lost an arm six months before the the wedding in a bike accident.

DAMIAN

Bloody bikes. So dangerous.

RODNEY

It was a BMX !

MICKEY

The bride was horrified when he chose me to be best man. reckons I wasn’t up to the job!

RODNEY

Whatever made her come to that conclusion?!

MICKEY

Dunno.

RODNEY

Stag do wasn’t a mucher either!

MICKEY

Eddie got the right hump.

BOYCIE

Well spill the beans, Michael.

DAMIAN

Where did you take him?

MICKY PEARCE

Down the snooker hall.

DAMIEN

I don’t..

TYLER

My dad told me about you and he’s right. You are a right dipstick!

BOYCIE

Come on now. What about Del Boy.

TYLER

Let’s spike his drink?!

RODNEY

No way. Del doesn’t need any encouragement to get any louder. No, I had an idea. I thought I’d get ’em to announce something over the tannoy, stitch him right up. Tell them to say he’s won a prize or summink.

MICKEY

Like it rod.

RODNEY

Where do I go to do that then, Boycie?

BOYCIE

How the bloody hell do I know?

RODNEY

You’ve been here before ain’t you?

BOYCIE

Yeah in 1976!

RODNEY

Oh well I’m sure I’ll find it.

Del returns.

DEL

Oi oi what you lot whispering about then.

RODNEY

Oh nothing del.

MICKEY

Just on about the dogs Del.

DEL

Oh yeah. Come on then Boycie. You’re a betting man. You must have some tips for us. Feeling lucky tonight.

BOYCIE

Oh no Del Boy. That pleasure went long ago. I haven’t gambled for over ten years. Marlene was complaining that gambling was number one in my life. I said no Marlene, you’ve got to put shooting and fly fishing before that!

DEL

They don’t give you five minutes to yourself do they, hey?

MICKEY

You should be like me. No woman tells me what to do.

RODNEY

Listen to it.

MICKEY

It’s true.

DEL

No woman will have ya!

INT. NAGS HEAD – NIGHT

Raquel, Cassandra and Marlene enter the pub. Four of Raquel’s friends come up and kiss her on the cheek. They are along for the hen do also.

SHARON

Here for round two are we?

RAQUEL

Don’t tell me they are all plastered already.

SHARON

No. No. They were quite reserved. ‘Cept for that poncie, stuck up git with the moustache. Who’s he anyway?

MARLENE

My husband!

SHARON

Sorry. Didn’t mean to offend.

MARLENE

No it’s OK. You got him down to a tee. So Cassanda, are we off anywhere nice or are we spending the night here?

SHARON

I can tell you’re married to the ponce.

CASSANDRA

We’re here for a bit then we’re off to a pub up west. It’s going to be a bit special that one.

RAQUEL

I hope you haven’t gone to too much expense?

CASSANDRA

Don’t worry, you’re going to have a great time.

INT. ROMFORD DOGS – BAR – EVENING

The boys are sat round a table still. A little drunker.

DEL

Right, Boycie. I’m gonna win this next one. What’s the dog’s names?

RODNEY

Shame you didn’t have your old address book, Del. You could have picked a load of winners out of that.

BOYCIE

Denzil will you stop playing with your ear ‘ole. What have you got that thing in for?

DENZIL

It’s so I can keep in touch with my replacement driver. The contract is for seven days a week so I have to get another driver in for a couple of days.

BOYCIE

But it doesn’t work.

DENZIL

‘Course it works.

Denzil stands and fiddles with the earpiece. In the background we see all the monitors go on the blink.

MICKEY

Right chaps. I must away. I’ve got my art ladies to pose for.

RODNEY

Yeah I’ll see you to the door, Mickey.

(winks)

MICKEY

Oh Yeah. See you all. Have a good one.

DEL

Ta da Mickey, thanks for coming. Since when has Rodney needed to hold Mickey’s hand. Thought he gave that up last year?

DAMIEN

He’s just being kind, Dad.

CUT TO:

Mickey and Rodney by the exit door.

MICKEY

You going to do it now? Get on the tannoy?

RODNEY

Yeah. I just need to find it.

MICKEY

I think it’s over there.

RODNEY

Cheers, Mickey.

Mickey and Rodney exit.

EXT. THE DIAMOND ROOM BAR – NIGHT

A couple of taxi’s pull up outside the plush bar. Raquel looks out the cab window and her face lights up.

RAQUEL

Oh Wonderful. I’ve heard about this place. Very posh.

CASSANDRA

It’s not that posh. Come on. We’re VIP’s tonight.

EXT. ROMFORD DOGS, TRAINERS AREA – NIGHT

Rodney has wondered into the trainers area searching for the tannoy. He stops and looks confused. He then spots a door and goes through it.

INT. ROMFORD DOGS – BAR – NIGHT

All the boys are still sat around the table except for Rodney who is absent.

DEL

I tell you that brother of mine is a diamond. A true diamond.

EXT. ROMFORD DOGS, TRAINERS AREA – NIGHT

Rodney enters an area which is very darkly lit. He is now totally lost. Then, out of the darkness, we hear a dog growl.

Dog’s don’t like Rodney!

CUT TO:

Rodney’s frightened face as more dogs start growling.

INT. ROMFORD DOGS, BAR – NIGHT

Del returns to the table having placed a bet. He is standing facing the track while the others are still sitting.

DEL

This one’s a winner, I can feel it in my water. Hey, where’s my dipstick brother got to?

DAMIEN

Maybe he eloped with Mickey?

DENZIL

He nearly did that years ago.

They are all laughs. Del then spots something out on the racetrack and his face drops.

DEL

Oh my god. I’ve found Rodney.

BOYCIE

Where? In the tea hut?

DEL

No. He’s on the racetrack in first at the minute.

EXT. ROMFORD DOGS – RACETRACK – NIGHT

Rodney is hurtling along the finishing straight towards Del and the boys as a bunch of greyhounds follow him at speed.

INT. ROMFORD DOGS, BAR – NIGHT

ALL the stag entourage are now on their feet and staring open mouthed at Rodney racing towards them.