Clickbait Digest: The titillation of ten clicks with the shame of only one!

There are many competing factors when it comes to clicking on links. Websites try to come up with something you will be irresistibly interested in for 50 seconds. If we can’t come up with anything good, we use science algorithms to create tantalizing names for the link. Then you’re all, “I’m too smart to be manipulated like that!” So you either lie to yourself and say, “I’m just going to click on this to verify how dumb it is” or you just wait for a friend to post the articles on Facebook so you can shift most of the blame to them, as they initially sought out material that would normally be beneath you, but since it’s right there in your feed, you might as well click on it. There’s also stuff like Saved You A Click, designed to satisfy your curiosity while leaving your self-esteem in tact.

The next frontier in the click race is L. Ron Mexico’s Clickbait Digest. I was going to call it Omniclick, which I think is cooler, but I think more people will click on this title. Ron spent hours, finding the most temporarily interesting stories from various “clickbait” sites and simply cutting and pasting the best ones into one easy place for your convenience. Isn’t this illegal? Nothing’s illegal on the internet except child pornography and not liking Batman movies.

Wallace Singleton was a model marine. After four tours of duty, two Bronze Stars, and the unquestioned loyalty and respect of his platoon, he was regarded as one of our nation’s best and brightest. That is until a security check cast doubt as to whether he had any morality whatsoever. Singleton, while renewing his top secret clearance, handed over his cell phone during a routine background check when all hell broke loose. “I couldn’t believe what I found on there,” said intelligence officer Stacy Haslett. “I was horrified. At first I thought it was some kind of sick joke. I wanted to believe that. I really did, but nobody has 53 Nickleback songs on their iPhone as a joke. What kind of monster is he?” Authorities have since issued Lieutenant Singleton a dishonorable discharge and forced him to register as a Nickleback fan. He now lives with his parents in Maryland and is currently seeking treatment for his disorder. He was contacted for an interview but declined to comment.

Brandon Weber issued his children a lifetime ban from playing professional football after he caught his son Hayden impersonating Bears quarterback Jay Cutler. Ten year old Hayden Weber strode downstairs one morning smoking a cigarette and wearing only boxer shorts and an unfastened robe. “What, no fucking Lucky Charms?” he mumbled to no one in particular as he slammed the kitchen cabinet. He then scratched his balls while looking blankly out of the window for five minutes before deciding to return to bed. As he made his way back upstairs, a family photo taped to the refrigerator caught his eye. He then proceeded to extinguish his cigarette upon the smiling face of his younger self. This did nothing to erase the unbearable tediousness tethered to his existence.

In a controversial act, Facebook removed all photos of Emma Bond’s newborn daughter from the popular social media website. When interviewed about why the site did this, CEO Mark Zuckerberg remarked, “We haven’t yet found a way to monetize a baby; therefore, there is no reason for baby pictures to be taking up valuable space on our servers. Babies essentially have zero purchasing power, and we can’t even sell their likes and clicks to advertisers. I mean, what’s the point?” After a long hit of his vape pen, he continued to autistically ramble, “And this particular baby was expected to die soon, so it’s not like we would ever get a chance to infringe upon it’s expectation of privacy. There is just no money to be made here. I don’t see how it benefits us. Don’t worry though, I made sure that Emma Bond’s Facebook feed is littered with “suggested posts” about how to care for an infant. Maybe the next one will actually grow up for us to extrapolate data from.”

America has been pressing Stone Cold Steve Austin for his thoughts on gay marriage for years now, and finally, Stone Cold gave the people what they wanted. During the taping of a popular Texas morning show, he let loose a foul-mouth tirade on the subject of same sex marriage while chugging a twelve pack of Miller Lite. “These fucking queers think just because they went down to the courthouse and signed a piece of paper that they’re married? They think just because they stick their dicks in each otherses butts they’re married? News flash: They’re nowhere near as gay married as I am. How many pairs of mudflaps have been pressed against my chin while some gorilla of a man choked me out with his thighs? How many ding dongs have I inadvertently grabbed while body slamming men for decades? The truth is I was gay married the second Bret Hart reached into my bikinis and tore out a fistfull of pubes. It’s just fucking depressing!” Austin yelled after crushing an empty beer can on his face, “How many times do I have to press my oily torso against another man’s heaving bosom in a beautifully choreographed swamp crotch pageant for the enjoyment of simpletons before I’m awarded visitation rights? I mean, Randy Savage lay on his death bed and the fucking doctors wouldn’t let me say goodby. I know what that man’s underarms taste like, and they had the nerve to say I wasn’t family. The way we gays are treated is a fucking disgrace. A fucking disgrace!”

In stunning news, Hobby Lobby has bowed down to religious pressure from radicals and adopted Shariah law. Last Friday, employee Melanie Adams was stoned to death for getting pregnant out of wedlock. Hobby Lobby CEO David Green then used his hobby lobbyists to pass a bill granting tax breaks for all companies that stone unwed mothers. “We’re saving the taxpayers money here.” He said, “We pay these sluts seven bucks an hour. Any bastard they push out will just end up on the Medicaid roles. All we’re asking is that the savings we create by eliminating future government leeches be passed on to us, the job creators.”

Panic attacks are just nature’s way of reminding someone they are inferior. So when somebody is having a panic attack, it’s best to elicit the help of all strangers nearby. If one of your friends is emotionally deteriorating into a infantile puddle of shame and fear, you should loudly yell, “Hey, somebody help! My buddy is spazzing out! Is there a doctor around or just anybody with a healthy self-image? Is there anyone around that can teach my loser friend to have some self-esteem? Can somebody show him how to stop being so pathetic?! Please help my loser friend!” After enough strangers amass, forming a semi-circle of judgment around this collapsed heap of barren humanity, the healing can finally begin. Make sure there is even a guy with a backwards hat there. If enough people are shouting at him to start acting like a man, eventually he’ll be cured.

Oaklawn Middle School issued a stern ultimatum to a terminally ill student. Jessica Paulson, diagnosed with metastatic brain cancer, was forced to remove her favorite wig or be kicked out of school forever. So under the cover of darkness, she brought bolt cutters and a shovel into Lexington Cemetery where she unearthed one of her historical heroes, Henry Clay who died in 1852. Paulson dumped the bones of the famed Wig party representative into a roaring furnace, removing him from this earth forever. As tears streaked down her cheeks, she struggled to make sense of this world. She then blew her nose on her ridiculously pink hair and uttered, “The two party system is a joke. Will they stop at nothing to destroy democracy? Long live the wig party.”

You might believe that life is a miraculous manifestation of a higher power, that the universe fits together in a complex web of ultimate benevolence and order. Things have a place. We are all tied together. No matter how scattered and diverse our daily meanderings and tribulations, we remain coalesced in cosmic harmony… but after watching this Youtube video of T-Pain singing, everything will change. The ubiquitous love that blanketed all your subtle movements will melt away like the morning dew. As T-Pain’s vocals pierce your perverted worldview, you will suddenly find a desperate, cold emptiness where there was once warmth. Your jilted soul will struggle to even find happiness in the smiles of your children. An uncertain future fades into a terrifying nothingness where chaos reigns all. Finally you see things for what they are. Life itself becomes a perfunctory exercise in futility. Every subsequent breath is a reminder of a thundering pointlessness encompassing the unknown. Wonder devolves into apathy. Happiness is a bleak memory that slips through your fingers. The notion of effort becomes a foreign concept, reserved for fools who have yet to click the video. The line between reason and madness is painted by those not yet ruined.

2.) What is butt meat made out of? Poo. Buttmeat is just poop wrapped in skin.

3.) Can you fart so hard your butt falls off? No That’s a urban myth. However, if you poo too much, your butt will deflate like a balloon tho. Be careful to only poo once a day maximum to keep a big, healthy butt.

4.) Is there such a thing as butt implants? Yes, if you give a Mexican doctor five thousand dollars he will shove ten pounds of extra poo into your butt to make it more bigger.

5.) Whats the best kind of butt? A big powerful one attached to a woman with low self esteem.

6.) If a man gets pregnant, does baby come out of butt? No that’s another myth, when a man gets pregnant a doctor has to cut out the baby with a sword.

7.) What are farts? Its when your butt cheeks get so happy they have to high-five each other

After returning an interception 19 yards for the game’s first score, Landon Brady dramatically knelt down in the end-zone to thank Jesus for the turnover. Just as the crowd was celebrating Carville High’s lead over Willowbrook, a voice from the heavens bellowed, “Don’t bring me into this bullshit. I fucking hate high school football!” Then, a lightning bolt shot down from above, liquifying Landon’s innards before turning his terrestrial coils into ashes in front of the stunned spectators. Coach Greg Stevens weighed in after the game, “Landon was a great player; he really anchored our secondary. It’s a pity to have lost him for the…well, forever, but that’s just football. He’s the one who decided the almighty creator of good and evil should have a stake in a meaningless contest amongst mortals.

Note: if you guys click, like, share, or whatever this article alot, I’ll try to make it a weekly thing.