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18 April 2017

Preparing for heart surgery

So tomorrow is the day. I've been meaning to write something before about Rohan's up coming surgery but somehow it's not happened. I'm not sure whether it's just because I've not had time, or that I've not wanted to make time. I've not wanted to write about it because I didn't really want to admit to myself that it's happening. Because like always my general thinking is that if I don't think about it too much then it's not really happening...you can see what a great philosophy that is.

The surgery itself is pretty straightforward, if he ends up having it at all. Last week we took Rohan to hospital for his pre-admission checks. It was a long morning spent doing all sorts of things such as a chest X-ray, ECG, an echo (ultrasound) of his heart, blood tests, observations and talks with the specialists. He had a slightly raised temperature and has been a little snotty again (like always) but we found that he's cutting a tooth a few days before so that could all be related to that. We spoke to the hospital yesterday to check the results of his blood and swab tests to see if he had any viruses or bacterial infections, both of which were clear, so I guess all we can do now is turn up and see what they say on the day. Tomorrow.

Tomorrow, tomorrow tomorrow.

It seems like such a massive marker, his life before having any surgical procedure and what is to come afterwards. We're hoping it makes a difference, we've been told that this sort of thing can really cause a big turn around in many ways (good ways) so we're hoping for that. But again this is all just speculation, as when we spoke with the cardiac consultant he said that it's not even 100% that they will do the procedure they have set out to do. That is to close his PDA (the duct that he doesn't need) by keyhole surgery. Once he's gone under general anaesthetic they will then do a number of tests including dye to check blood flow and to check the pressures of the heart. They'll then measure the size of the duct and decide whether the device they can use to close it will fit, and actually whether this is the best thing for his heart. They may decide that by closing it, it will put too much pressure on the heart, or that his arch needs looking at too. There are so many maybe's. If it's all straight forward and he has the device to close it the whole thing should be over in a few hours, and he'll be sent to recovery.

So we're just in limbo, unsure of what's ahead, unsure of whether it's going to happen, of what's going to happen and what the results will be. Then there's risk, not much as it's simple surgery, but there's always risk. There's heightened risk for Rohan, for the anaesthetic, for the procedure, for everything because of everything else he's got going on. But if it can all work out to help him and make things better. He's been under general before and was fine, and the risk is still a small one, but it's scary all the same. To sign a consent form to say you know the risks, but are ok for them to do it anyway, his life in their hands. It's scary. I don't want that decision or power.

I don't know what I will be like when he's away from us, I think I'll need distracting. We'll have to say goodbye, hopeful that it will be only a few hours before we see him again but all the while the unspoken fears and thoughts will be there. What ifs and hope nots. I can't even write it here. I don't want to tempt anything. So he will be fine.

That's if it happen's at all. I feel thankful that we've had all this time before anything surgical, considering we thought he would have to have something in the first week of his life. But now we're here, with everything crossed that it all goes ok and we'll have our sweet baby boy back in our arms not long after.