Thursday, June 25, 2015

Emma-One month

It's been one month since I lost Emma. In some ways I was pregnant ages ago, in some ways, has it really been a month? It feels like it just happened. I never thought I'd be counting down to how long it's been since I lost her. I thought the countdown was until she was born and in my arms, not like this, but alive with her brother.

I'm doing better today than I expected. I don't know if it's anxiety med or what, but I'm grateful. I feel calm today and peaceful. Honestly, I feel like she is with me. I've "felt" her presence all day long and I don't care if anyone thinks I'm crazy. I've been wanting to do a random act of kindness in her name, but so far nothing's really presented itself. We'll see if it happens. For now I'm content just to feel her presence and remember all the joy she did bring me and will continue to bring me. She'll be watching over her living sister and her dad as well.

I miss my Emma. I miss all that she would've been here and in this world. I'd change it all in an instant if I could. I love you Emma! Mama's holding you in her heart forever.

Who's Dream Chase?

My husband and I have been married since 4/16/05 and together since 4/11/97. Our TTC journey starts in July 2011. I was diagnosed with DOR (diminished ovarian reserve) in Dec 2011. It took us 3 REs and 26 cycles to conceive my beautiful daughter through Femara/injectables/iui. Kate Lyn was born on my birthday 12/16/13. 14 cycles later we returned to my RE for the same treatment. We struck gold again and were excited to conceive b/g twins, Emma Lee and Chase David. Unfortunately I became very sick late May 2015 and both twins were born sleeping. Emma was born one day shy of 19 weeks on 5/25/15 and Chase was born the next day 5/26/15. Our rainbow, Ivy, was conceived in January 2016, but unfortunately passed on 2/12/16 at 6w2d. My D&C showed that Ivy was a boy and the cause of death was Trisomy 16. Currently pregnant with my final pregnancy and THB attempt. Grieving the loss of all my kids and missing them with each breath.