One occured about 4 hours ago...
I've just had an op to remove a stubborn (and rather sizeable) Kidney Stone this afternoon which involved cameras, hooks and lasers being introduced via the 'gentleman's area', which all went well thankfully. However, when my surgeon (a rather lovely lady probably only a handful of years older than myself) visited me just after coming around in a ward she sat down, asked if I was ok and then said:
"To be honest, it's one of the biggest ones I've seen in a while"

I blame some of the anaesthetic still in my system for immediately replying:

Ok, using this as a chance to clear a few things up:
1.) To those who ask, Yes, I am a Freemason.
2.) However, no, I am not part of any 'shadowy elite'.
3.) Evil Satan Worshippers? No, not us. We don't sacrifice Goats. The only reason creatures like Goats got brought into the whole 'evils of masonry' thing pursued by the anti-masonry brigade was because the acronym G.O.A.T. is often used in older texts to describe the 'God Of All Things'. The link to Goats is probably where all the 'satanic worhsip' guff started as well. (Look up 'Taxil Hoax' for further info. on that)
4.) And neither do we have anything to do with defiling naked virgins either, though not for want of trying on a Saturday night.
5.) Large amounts of the arguments against freemasonry are usually presented with 'proof' from older texts such as that of Albert Pike in his book 'Morals and Dogma of the Ancient and Accepted Scottish Rite of Freemasonry'. This book was published in 1871, yup 138 years ago. I can assure you that modern Freemasonry bears little resemblance to some of the 'assumed' points being made in that text. As with all things, it evolves with time to suit the time.
6.) Likewise, although we do have the handshakes and rolled up trouserlegs, we do not have any obligation to financially benefit other masons as a preference to others.
7.) Such is the modern nature of the organisation, it is made up of many individuals, from every part of the social, financial and political spectrum. When you meet up once a month, we're all on the same level, and it's a nice place to get to know different people well, pretty much in the same way as a Golf Club, a Women's Insitute meeting or similar.
8.) Each of us are prohibited from discussing Politics and Religion during a meeting evening, which would make it extrememly difficult for us to make plans to control the rest of the world's population since these two topics are probably the two most important in establishing any form of control over a population.
9.) Estimating, the average age of the British freemason is seriously pushing 60+. It's very difficult to entertain the notion that some of these people who are also part of the 'higher' degrees could seriously be part of a group in a position to manage and control the world when they can't even manage a bowl of tomato soup at the after meeting meal without spilling two thirds of it down their white shirts.
10.) It's surprisingly open these days, and certainly a world away from the writings of Pike (mentioned above) and the old attitudes that it was a preserve of the rich only. It really isn't. Many lodges often put on an 'open evening' when members of the public can walk in and have a look at a ceremony being performed, many times in full, and get a full Q & A session afterwards.
11.) Now the 'secrets' - Yes, as an organisation there are a few words etc which we don't reveal until someone comes in, but these are very few, and only applicable to the key parts of each ceremony. It really is no biggy. Anyone can become a mason, and as I've said before it's far more difficult to get into a Golf Club than it is to get into Masonry. Golf Clubs often resound with the clattering of many local high flying businessmen making deals, networking on the green, and the chink of money at the 19th hole. Nobody really knows what goes on in the selection process for new members of some of the more 'elite clubs' either, who knows what deals are being made in the safety and privacy of the clubhouse. See, when a spin is put on something like a golf club, they can sound sinister, which is exactly what happened with Freemasonry.
12.) Guided by the Devil? Am I a 'sheeple' Mason, only going along with it as a loyal follower of the higher up satan worshippers as I've been sucked in? No, I'm not ta, but thanks for the suggestion. I am a normal chap, with my own opinions, and have the benefit of making my own mind up on the organisation by getting the informaiton on the inside, and doing research into it, and discussing it in great (and accurate) depth. If I didn't like it, I wouldn't do it. I prefer this method of reasoning than relying on 140 year old writings of an organisation which bears no relation to the evolved organisation it is now, and also the endless half arsed and minimally researched ramblings on the internet when any 'opinion' can be stated as fact without full research or citation being given by the armchair avengers.
13.) Essentially, it is not a religion, nor any such part of one. It has never been promoted as one, and never will due to it's inherent belief that each member is entitled to an individual belief in their own god/spiritual progression as they see fit. The word allegory is often used in ceremonies to demonstrate this.
14.) You might remember The Goat. Now, as a few people may know, the Goat and I had a few run ins before he left, but despite our 'conversations' and rather heated differences of opinion on /links at times, he was a great chap for sticking to his guns, and /links was an interesting place for it, if not always the friendliest place because of the long threads. We both acknowledged that we can 'agree to disagree' and a mutual respect was good, and I really do hope he's doing well wherever he now is. Thought it may be nice to see a kind word for him this week, as he may get brought up a fair bit here.
15.) Errr, now, about those naked virgins...

Most of the points above are areas I usually have to cover in pub conversations at the end of a long evening when someone has had a bit too much and questions me on it. Although not necessarily 'nutter's in the strictest sense, it's odd that 'most' people will always start off with the viewpoint that freemasons are inherently bad people when starting a conversation/argument about them, without actually knowing anything.

Still, that's enough rambling. I have trouser legs to iron and a new verse of the Stonecutters song to write.
(Thu 27th Aug 2009, 14:42, More)

Herod! The Musical
Way back in the mists of time, my Primary School adopted a 'new' type of nativity play one year, opting for a production based around one of the stories covered in those 'music for schools' programmes that used to be on Radio 4. Those progarmmes which gave the teacher an hour off every Thursday morning while we all sang along with the radio, reading the words from our little books that accompanied the series and story being broadcast.

The story in question for this year was a nativity based story, but with a twist... It was a 'full on' musical.

Roles were being picked, kids were being 'auditioned' for said roles and I drew the rather short straw as Herod.

Come the day and I was festooned with as much pound shop bling as the school budget would allow to look the part of the King. You name it, I wore it: Tea Towels, gold braid, silver (tin) foil, gold painted cardboard, and I even remember gold tinsel ending up in the costume at some point. I must have looked like Jodie Marsh's christmas tree.

Anyway, with the stage being set in the local old church it eventually got around to my 'solo' piece. Up I step to the platform (the pulpit as it happens) to deliver my rousing song.

And to this day I can still remember the first verse and chorus, which was as follows:

"Things are get-ting desperate,
Don't they know I'm bo-oss,
Ignore these fan-cy ru-mours,
Or it will be your loss..."

Chrous (all)
"They say a new King's been born,
How ridiculous can you get.
Well I've got a trick or two up my sleeve,
'Cause I'm not finished yet".

It took a while to realise I was essentially portraying a glitzy showbiz baby killer. Think the 'John Barrowman' of Baby Killers.

It didn't end there either. At the end of the song, one of the kids (all scripted, you understand) came out from under the pulpit where I was standing and delivered his one and only line to the throng of proud parents assembled...