Am I Healthier Fat?

Saturday, October 05, 2013

It's been a wild ride for me...for a lot of years. 7 years ago I dedicated myself to losing the weight I'd gained after taking evil post-partum anti-depressants. At my high, I was 190 lbs, and wearing a size 3X. That's REALLY huge for someone only 5'3" tall.

It took 18 months, but I lost 72 lbs and LOVED being a size 4! Through vigilant dedication, I maintained that loss for about 3 years...give or take. I ate nothing but healthy mostly-vegetarian food. And I exercised daily.

Then last fall I had a severely herniated disk in my back that required surgery. And after surgery I was told in no uncertain terms by my surgeon--NO EXERCISE for at least 6-8 weeks...and bed rest for the first 10 days. It sucked. I was recovering and couldn't do squat.

So I started enjoying some Doritos again. Maybe a cookie or two. And lo & behold, I gained 25 lbs in 2 months. Go figure. But surprise. Blah, blah, blah.

At first I panicked and tried to diet again. It just wasn't working. Then after too many weeks of beating myself up I just went out & bought a new pair of jeans. Size 10. Boo hoo.

And now, a year later, I honestly don't care anymore. I am back to a regular exercise routine. I use my treadmill daily & my exercise bike daily & I lift weights 2-3 times a week in addition to that. My stretches are different post-op, my workouts aren't always very intense to protect my newly-fragile spine. But I do it--everyday, 7 days a week.

And I am HAPPY! Yes, I am 25 lbs heavier than I was...but still 45 lbs lighter than my top end. Is that a cop out? Maybe. However, my most recent physical showed my blood pressure is low, my blood sugar is healthy, my cholesterol is a-o-k...really, I'm in great physical shape. When I mentioned my weight--my doctor laughed! She said "you're in a perfect, healthy range...nothing to worry about."

I'm still not sure if I should thank her or feel gypped. Maybe it would've been better to hear a lecture--would've that've helped me jump start weight loss again!??

Here's the bottom line...I read all these postings about "healthy eating" & how if you eat "clean" (I had no idea food could be dirty!) you'll never crave junk food again. You'll learn to eat good foods & only eat when you're hungry. Wow--kudos to those 3 women who've pulled that off. Congrats...you have my undying respect. And those women are obviously NOT food addicts. They don't eat emotionally. Good for them.

However, I AM a food addict--I realize after over 20 years of trying to diet & be thin all the time...and then diving into Cheetos & Doritos when I was having a hard day, or a good day, or a tired day, or an angry day, or a sad day, or a celebrating day....well, enough said.

I spent ALL THOSE YEARS eating salads & fruits & super-healthy gourmet stuff. And it never once satisfied me like Doritos. Or made me feel happy & full & content. Is that a food sickness?!? Am I defective?!? Maybe so.

And yet--I don't care. I am SOOOOOO happy with who I am right now inside that the outside doesn't matter. I have clothes that fit nicely (never try squeeze your fat ass into too-tight clothes--ya' just look chunkier!)...and I have healthy kids. A happy marriage. My body is still moving & that's a real blessing.

My daily exercise staves off depression--no drugs needed. My family life makes me so content that I am awed daily by my luck. And best of all, my self-esteem & self-confidence is through the roof! Finally, at the ripe age of 39, I feel like I KNOW who I am...and I really like her. I'm a good person. And I don't need to hide behind fancy clothes, or gobs of makeup, or any of the things society tells women they need to be successful.

I am HEALTHY--inside & out...and maybe someday the rollercoaster will zip down again & I'll be back in those size 4 jeans...and until then I'm just gonna enjoy the ride (and the Doritos!)...and know that life goes on regardless of my waistline. And no one really cares if I'm fat or skinny--as long as I'm nice, and helpful, and confident and contributing.....

Nothing is healthier or more attractive than self-confidence & liking your own skin. No matter it's size. :)