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When his father died more than 15 years ago, Hindu priest Pandit Roopnauth Sharma took his ashes down to Lake Ontario. Sharma looked around, made sure no one was watching and placed them in the water.

“I realized there was a lot that was wrong with that,” recalls the spiritual leader of Mississauga’s
Ram Mandir Hindu temple
and president of the
Hindu Federation
. Not having a proper place to scatter the ashes — a sacred ritual for Hindus and Sikhs — was “very stressful and very painful.”

That prompted the federation to work with community members, conservation authorities and government officials, resulting in the provincial guidelines of 2009 allowing ashes to be scattered on Ontario’s Crown land and water.

That’s just one of many examples of how the Greater Toronto Area’s ever-evolving demographics are redefining how we handle our dead.

Hospitals now allow Buddhists to stay by the bedside of deceased loved ones, chanting prayers to help the spirit leave the body. Interfaith couples can be buried together. And cemetery operators have turned to Feng Shui masters for advice on positioning graves.

Years ago this would have been unheard of. But now, a concerted effort is being made to accommodate cultural and religious needs for final disposition in a region that’s among the most ethnically diverse in the world.

For much of the 20th century, Canada’s immigrants came, mostly, from European Christian countries. But after the 1970s, Asia became the main source. The new residents brought their faiths, cultures and practices, prompting a shift away from the so-called traditional funeral.

The Star spoke with those in the bereavement sector, hospital staff, government officials and people of different faiths to understand how these changes have impacted the way we deal with the loss of loved ones.

Fifteen years ago, most of Jeff Caldwell’s funeral services students were Christian, with a few Jewish ones in the mix, says the Humber College professor. The school offers the province’s only English-language funeral services program, which now draws the interest of Muslim, Sikh and Buddhist students, too.

“They want to go out and serve their own communities, knowing the practice, the culture, the ritual,” Caldwell says. “I can see that in the future we’re going to see more and more funeral homes popping up specifically to serve specific faith-based groups.”

It’s important students understand the need to serve families by respecting beliefs and think critically about how to meet their needs.

“It’s impossible to be able to cover in our curriculum every funeral custom and every ritual that has become part of the funeral experience, and so we must instead discuss the need to understand that ritual is important, however it may look,” says Caldwell.

“The bereavement sector is constantly redefining our understanding of what is a traditional funeral.”

At
Mount Pleasant Group (MPG)
, which provides funeral, cemetery and crematorium services, understanding tradition is a key priority. That’s why the company has sent staff overseas to China, Malaysia, Philippines, Italy and Germany to study practices to replicate here, says Angie Aquino, president of MPG’s funeral operations, Canadian Memorial Services.

After a trip to China, the company altered an area of its Elgin Mills cemetery in Richmond Hill to appeal to Chinese customers. As in China, the graves are pre-constructed cremation lots, all south facing, with a red or black monument already in place. The number four was avoided because it’s considered unlucky in Chinese tradition and Feng Shui masters ensured graves were well-situated, which brings descendants good fortune.

MPG and other non-denominational operators honour the directional needs of other faiths as well, ensuring Muslims are buried on their side facing Mecca; Orthodox Christians facing east, in expectation of the second coming of Jesus Christ; and Jews with their feet toward the east, or cemetery gates, so when the Messiah comes and they are resurrected, they can make their way to Jerusalem.

In recent years, some cemetery operators have loosened their rules in response to cultural requests, says Michael D’Mello, Registrar of Cemeteries, which administers the province’s Funeral Burial and Cremations Services Act. Many now allow gravesite offerings, such as a glass lamp, fake money or toys.

“They were very formal and very strict in how they operated cemeteries,” says D’Mello. “But they’re realizing people want these different ways of memorialization.”

Funeral homes are also listening. Last year
Turner & Porter
built a space at one of its properties to accommodate the Chinese custom of burning ceremonial items such as paper money, cars and houses. In the last couple of years it has also designated a private room for Muslim families to perform the ceremonial washing and dressing of the deceased.

At MPG, funeral homes have units for burning oils and butters during Hindu services; and they set up a table during Buddhist services for relatives to leave the deceased offerings, such as vegetarian food, fruit and tea.

In recent decades, there’s been a steady increase in cremation rates — today it’s about 60 per cent in Ontario, up from about 40 per cent a decade ago. In part, says D’Mello, this has been driven by immigration — many Buddhists choose cremation and it’s required of Hindus and Sikhs. (Cost is also a contributing factor, because cremation is less expensive than burial.)

Because Hindus, Sikhs and Buddhists must witness the cremation, MPG is upgrading its four crematoriums, from small industrial-like spaces to areas that comfortably accommodate large groups. (Two witnessing rooms will hold up to 150 people.) Often, the oldest son — or next of kin — begins the cremation process as tradition stipulates.

“We are the first funeral home in Ontario to serve the South Asians under one roof, offering a funeral home and crematorium,” says Inderjit Bal, an owner of BCVC. “It was important to open the centre so we could serve the communities according to their religious beliefs, cultures, traditions and in their own languages.”

Within the Jewish community a growing number are choosing cremation — a practice that goes against Jewish tradition — says Marc Benjamin, vice-president of operations at
Benjamin’s Park Memorial Chapel
.

“Often, I hear: ‘My whole family was burned in the Holocaust and I was saved, or I survived, and this is my way to connect with them,’” says Benjamin.

Only about three per cent of the families Benjamin’s serves request cremation. But it’s high enough, he says, to have upset Orthodox rabbis, who tell congregants not to use Benjamin’s. The decision to assist in cremation hurts business, but Benjamin says he’s committed to serving all of Toronto’s Jewish community.

“We want to leave a smaller environmental footprint, in terms of the burial space and the marker,” she says. “We are going against the grain (of Jewish law) and we don’t mind.”

The congregation buries cremated remains at its section in the non-denominational Elgin Mills Cemetery. Of its 132 burial spots already claimed, 26 per cent have opted for cremation.

Cremation has gained popularity among Catholics since 1963, when the Church began allowing it. As a result, the
Archdiocese of Toronto
, which runs
Catholic Cemeteries
, has built columbaria for the storage of cremated remains to accommodate the 25 per cent of families who request it. Asian families, especially the Chinese, prefer cremation.

It also built mausolea because Italian immigrants prefer above-ground burial. And in sections where specific ethnic groups are interred, are shrines that are popular in their home countries. A shrine to St. Paul the Apostle is in a section for Maltese families, and a statue of the Infant of Prague with the Filipinos.

Catholic cemeteries also allow for cultural celebrations to take place on the grounds. For instance, an annual mass marks Ching Ming, a Chinese festival dating back more than 2,500 years, in which people visit the graves of ancestors and perform a ritual sweeping.

“It’s very important that we can continue to celebrate our Chinese culture with our faith,” says Anna Li, a who has attended Ching Ming mass. “We can also use this event to educate our next generation.”

Because its Catholics hail from around the world, funeral mass is available in more than 30 languages, including Arabic, Twi, Tamil and Tagalog. And, the Archdiocese will offer live streaming of funeral masses when it opens Ontario’s first Catholic funeral home in September, on the grounds of Holy Cross Cemetery in Thornhill, allowing family and friends worldwide to view the service.

“We’ve had to adapt to what our families are asking us for,” says Amy Profenna, spokesperson of Catholic Cemeteries and Funeral Services.

Sabi Ahsan has tried to make accommodations for his community by opening
the city’s first Muslim cemetery
. The need became apparent after his father’s death in 1994, before Easter weekend. A speedy burial — a religious requirement — was impossible because cemeteries were closed for the holiday. For years, he along with members of the community, worked to secure property. But controversy surfaced.

“People were going around saying it was unlawful for Sunni and Shia to be buried together,” recalls Ahsan, noting some Sunni mosques were opposed.

It took world-renowned Islamic scholar Shaykh Salman Nadwi, during a trip to Toronto, to assure Muslims both sects could be buried together.

In 2012, the
Toronto Muslim Cemetery
opened, helmed by Ahsan, a Shia, and Abdul Huq Ingar, a Sunni. Given the conflict between Islam’s two largest sects in parts of the world, a joint Sunni-Shia project was “a very big deal” says Ahsan. Plus, land was purchased through an interest-free loan from a Jewish company in a deal handled by a Christian lawyer: “Only in a place like Toronto,” he adds.

While some Sunni mosques remain opposed, there is growing acceptance.

Borrowing a quote from a local imam, Ahsan says: “Now that we are united in death, let us work to be united in life.”

With Canada’s cultural diversity, it’s little surprise that interfaith marriages are on the rise. According to Statistics Canada, 15 per cent of Canadian couples in 1981 were in an interreligious union, compared with 19 per cent in 2001.

Among Jews, interfaith marriages nearly doubled from 9 per cent in 1981 to 17 per cent in 2001. But because Judaism forbids burying non-Jews in Jewish cemeteries, those couples have traditionally had to choose between being buried separately or in a non-denominational cemetery.

But now, some Reform rabbis are providing other options. Temple Sinai reserves a section in the Jewish
Lambton Hills Cemetery in Etobicoke
for interfaith couples. And Solel Congregation of Mississauga has burial rights for its interfaith couples in a section at the non-denominational Meadowvale Cemetery.

“Reform synagogues are looking at the reality of the makeup of their congregation saying: ‘These are families. They deserve to be buried together,’” says Arliene Botnick, director of education at Solel Congregation, where about one third of its 270 families are in interfaith marriages.

The Werenichs are one of those families. Jennifer Werenich, whose husband Ryan is not Jewish, says “it seems a little strange” that she’ll be buried away from her parents, who will be in a Jewish cemetery. But, the Solel section for interfaith couples is “a good in-between option.”

The issue of interfaith burials has also surfaced in other faiths.

As a general rule only Catholics should be buried in a Catholic cemetery, but the Archdiocese has made exceptions. Non-Catholics can be buried there if they are the spouse, parent or child of a Catholic. And at the Toronto Muslim cemetery, some mosques have bought plots for their interfaith married couples.

Just as the bereavement sector has adapted to Toronto’s changing demographics, the city’s hospitals have also transformed how they offer spiritual care to patients at the end of life.

The
Scarborough Hospital
serves one of the most ethnically diverse communities in Canada. Each year, its seven chaplains oversee close to 30,000 spiritual care visits between the hospital’s two campuses. When they need guidance, they turn for advice to more than a dozen spiritual leaders, including those from the Tibetan, Buddhist and aboriginal communities.

Deris Fillier, the hospital’s director of spiritual and religious care, says it was the spiritual leader of the Buddhist community who alerted her to the need for a special space for families to gather for extended periods at the bedside of a deceased loved one.

In the Buddhist faith, it’s customary to not touch the body for up to eight hours after death, as mourners chant to help the deceased make its spiritual journey to a pure land.

“Even though the physical existence is no longer working, the consciousness is still there,” explains the Venerable Man Yee Shih, a Buddhist nun with
Fo Guang Shan Temple of Toronto
.

While most hospitals are “very co-operative,” Shih says it’s important families notify staff when death is imminent so accommodations can be made.

When Grace Ng’s mother died in hospital — and father later died in a long-term care facility — she, along with relatives and religious leaders, remained by their bedsides chanting for eight hours.

“I felt my mother was at peace by the look on her face,” recalls Ng. “When we chanted for my father I could feel he was around us, at peace and he knew where he was going . . . Knowing he was at peace, made it easier to accept his loss. ”

The Scarborough Hospital officially opened mourning rooms — one at each campus — in January so families of all denominations can grieve together and perform necessary rituals in a private space.

Before mourning rooms were available, Fillier says families were encouraged to leave a hospital room fairly quickly after a loved one died to clear the way for a new patient waiting for a bed. The hospitaldid its best to accommodate grieving families, but the pressures of crowded emergency rooms, and the need to move patients to units, meant families might have only had an hour at a bedside.

The mourning rooms, spaces Fillier says are meant to be “reflective, meditative,” also allow for large groups to gather around a deceased loved one, something that is just not feasible in the confines of a hospital unit. Fillier says aboriginal Canadians plan to use them to perform smudging ceremonies.

“As we learn more about people’s faiths, as our awareness increases, we try to meet that need.”

Hospitals across the GTA have moved away from offering general bereavement advice and now, in response to the city’s cultural and spiritual diversity, aim for more personal grief support.

At
Trillium Health Partners
— the three main sites include Credit Valley Hospital, Mississauga Hospital and Queensway Health Centre — staff closely listen to grieving families to ensure they meet their emotional and spiritual needs.

In the winter, Trillium created new policies to allow the Muslim parents of a newborn boy, who died soon after birth, to drive his body to the Hospital for Sick Children for the post-mortem examination. It was the first time a family was able to transport a deceased loved one in their own vehicle.

Trillium also worked with the coroner at Sick Kids to ensure the family received the newborn’s body within 24 hours, rather than the typical 7 to 10 days. This ensured the boy was given the required speedy burial.

Laurie Soares, a registered nurse and the perinatal bereavement lead for the hospital’s birthing suites, says the family had a deep wish to be with their son prior to the autopsy, and to quickly have the funeral.

“I took it upon us as that we would try to do everything possible for this family. . . . We know that families are better able to grieve when they know their loved one has had a good death.”

The intensive care unit at
Toronto General Hospital
treats some of the sickest patients in Canada, including those waiting for organ transplants. Derek Strachan, of the hospital’s spiritual care team who works primarily in the ICU, does his best to meet the personal and spiritual needs of patients at the end of life, whatever they may be.

In recent months, he has helped arrange for a dying woman of Hindu faith to receive prayers at her bedside until her heart stopped beating. Her family and members of her temple stayed in the room until she died. A dying man wanted his last hours in the ICU to have a party atmosphere, and so Strachan arranged for him to drink a treasured vintage wine from the man’s own collection. He also tells the story of a dying woman who didn’t have a formal religion, but wanted her death to be spiritually meaningful. She loved the beach, and so he created a beach atmosphere in her intensive care room, pouring a layer of sand on her hospital bed so she could sift her fingers through the tiny grains. She died hours later.

“I don’t look at what is not possible, but what is possible.”

Sharma, the Hindu priest, was pleased when the province announced in 2009 that scattering ashes was permitted on provincial Crown lands, including those covered by water, such as the Great Lakes. And last year, the province cleared up some confusion by releasing a list of provincial parks, including Bronte Creek, Earl Rowe and Forks of the Credit.

Now, the Hindu Federation plans to ask Mississauga and Oakville to erect signs and create designated areas for the scattering of ashes along Lake Ontario. Pickering has already established a site, but Sharma would like to see it developed further and is working with the city.

Signs would prevent curious onlookers from asking what’s going on or saying it’s not permitted. Plus, it would alleviate discomfort some Hindu families have.

“There’s a feeling of guilt: ‘They’re watching me and they don’t understand this.’ And a feeling of discomfort because we know we have to do this since it’s tradition, but we may wonder if we’ve broken the law because there are no signs.”

The province permits the scattering of ashes without prior consent, provided there are no signs or restrictions prohibiting access. But the practice isn’t without critics. Some worry about adverse environmental effects, yet the province isn’t aware of any issues.

Cremated remains weigh five to eight pounds (two to three-and-a-half kilos), more comparable to heavy sand than fireplace ashes. So when a large quantity is released it’s more likely to build up as sediment, than to float with the current.

Plus, there have been complaints of large groups gathered for the ritual on grounds that aren’t Crown land and of flowers, which are used in the ceremony, washing ashore.

Sharma says the federation has educated community members on what’s permitted. He says he’s confident all will be done to facilitate the community’s request for proper signage, but says the process has been bogged down by bureaucracy.

“We are doing everything we can,” says Sharma. “But that’s the reality of bringing a new culture into an existing culture.”

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