Monday, September 5, 2011

My head

I'd like to be original but the first excuse I'm going to come up with for my inability to do so would be that I live in my head, and then I'd go on about how it's normal and how we all do it. I'd then blame the fact that I don't have a life and I live through books. I bore myself with my predictability even as I'm writing this.

Would I like to change this, of course. Yet, I don't want to give up the life I lead in my head. The one where I can be with myself, where I'm not pressured to talk to people because if I don't I start questioning myself, if I can't talk to people then who am I? A world in my head where I think of my friends, their troubles, and remember things they told me. A world of possibilities. Imaginary, fictional ones. How sad. Yet, it's a comfort zone I'm not willing to give up just yet, because you see this world (aka my head) understands me. It does. It can keep track of my every single thought, because my thoughts once they're voiced out they stop making sense even to me. These voiced thoughts are foreign to me when I hear them in my voice, and I'm left with a deeper conviction of my failure to make the world understand. I give up trying at the end. It happens often. I am yet again defeated. I surrender gladly because wanting to be understood this bad isn't good for me. I know that. Perhaps, I can be understood easily if I kept things simpler and didn't want people to understand me so well. At the end, there's so much to be understood not through words, but through being around that person and paying close attention to the things that usually go unnoticed. To be honest, there are hints and you can tell most of the time. Instead, our head tells us not to pry. You don't know that person well enough, if they want you to know they'd have said something, perhaps they're praying you won't notice so just pretend you don't think they're acting any different, you have problems of your own, plus do you really want that awkward moment of not knowing how to comfort them and feel worse? Is that what we're expected to do? God. I always want to ask, always. Who cares about what you're expected to do anyway? I know that when I'm down, I hate to be asked what's wrong because I get angrier at myself for not knowing how to explain what bothers me. This happens almost always. I then make myself believe that I'm upset over nothing, and well, well, that realization does not brighten one's mood. But, honestly. I'm not upset over nothing. I just don't know what I'm upset about. And we're back to point one. I can go back and explain more how I can't express myself because I still haven't expressed that point as well as I'd hope. You see, you don't understand. You can't anyhow. Or, I could talk about expectations and how my head's designed to hate them yet always think about them. But see, I've already exhausted these two things.

What do I say then? Oh, perhaps a bit about how I shouldn't feel obliged to do or say anything to anyone. No? Then what? The movie I just watched? The fact that I'm still up trying to feel a sense of accomplishment through a mere post on a blog I keep? Perhaps. You know, after my head here's the only place I can bore people with my thoughts. I know you think I love talking about myself, and to an extent I do but I shy away from people when they deliberately turn the conversation about me. I usually succeed in steering it away. The problem is that though I need someone to understand, I don't feel comfortable knowing someone is capable of understanding.

There's more to say. That'll have to wait. Another dawn, and another day to depress myself with my never-ending thoughts. :)

Why is it in the movies when someone asks the question, "Is something wrong?" the person asks responds with a full story line. Life just isn't that way and when I ask, I have the same fears as you, of prodding, and rejection.

I do not know if this is helpful or not, but I have used this technique somewhat successfully. When I am in my head and feeling down, I try to envision the worst scenario briefly and then the very best outcome and visualize it in my head.

This has given me reassurance and the best often happens - not always, but often.

"Posted at 5.58 AM"....this says it all. If a human can write at length about abstract complexities of mind at this time when excess melatonin secretion is forcing the body to sleep but mind won't let it...it is a sure symptom of 'soul-search-omania'. Only cure is giving in..and going with the flow :)

@Rohit 'soul-search-omania'That's such a good way of putting it. Exactly what I'm going through. I don't know what's triggering it but this summer was spent on a lot of thinking about myself and the person I've become. It was so unnerving at first, then it got better. My perspective shifted and I was able to view myself in a different light. I still have a lot of thinking to do, but it comes naturally now. It's not as much of a struggle as it used to be, but it's still on-going. :)

Thanks for your kind words. I don't know if I'm wise, but thinking is the one thing I do too much of.

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"Up till now I always thought bickering was just something children did and they outgrew it. Of course, there's sometimes a reason to have a 'real' quarrel, but the verbal exchanges that take place here are just plain bickering. I should be used to the fact that these squabbles are daily occurrences, but I'm not and never will be as long as I'm the subject of nearly every discussion. (They refer to these as 'discussions instead of 'quarrels', but Germans don't know the difference!)"— Anne Frank