I rate every animal

Tag Archives: Harbaugh

It’s really true what they say: “Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!” Mere days separate us from Super Bowl Sunday, which finds the San Franciscan Forty-and-Niners engaged in a contest of our American football against the Ravens of Baltimore.

It’s going to be a very interesting matchup, what with Sweet Jordie Gloomswell on the inactive list with a gluten allergy, Hellvaliant Hopkins coming back strong for the playoffs with his new cybernetic torso, and Lightning DeJosephh struggling to contain his powerful berserker rage. And of course all of that fails to mention the Harbaugh-on-Harbaugh violence. These brother-coaches, because of their close relation, are unable to detect the smell of each other’s blood, but each has unprecedented psychological insight into the other.[1]

I wanted to cover the mascot of one of these fine teams in this week’s rating. I lucked out because only one of them is an animal; the other refers to middle-aged people. So, choice made. Let’s talk raven.

The only Cosby family member who can fly.

First things first, the raven is not the crow. It can’t be, because the crow is not an animal. It is a Brandon Lee movie.

Special powers

The raven is very smart and paranoid. It has been known to form false food caches purely to fool any observing spies. The raven is one of the corvids, those most intelligent and devious of birds – not that it’s a high bar to clear, but for real, corvids are creepy. A cloud of corvids descended upon the set of Hitchcock’s The Birds and shot nearly all the B-unit footage. It is believed, but unconfirmed that Daphne du Maurier, author of the short story on which the film was based, was herself a magpie.

Weaknesses

Despite having the power of speech, the raven is only able to say one word: “Paramore.”

They’re flattered but confused.

Nobody’s quite sure why this is so. Does the raven have an impediment? Or is it just a dick? THESE ARE THE GREAT MYSTERIES SCIENCE SEEKS TO SOLVE.

Number of legs

Two.

Professions

The raven pays the bills as an emissary of Odin the All-Father here in Midgard. Do you think Odin just really likes Hayley Williams? It makes as much sense as anything.

“сαṉ ώε ρɾετεṉḋ τhατ αïɾρlαṉεṡ ïṉ τhε ṉïģhτ ṡќÿ αɾε ṡhøøτïṉģ ṡταɾṡ?”

The raven also dabbles in guarding the Tower of London. It’s said that if the raven ever dies, the crown will fall and England after it. However, this is just a silly superstition. Nothing matters less than the crown. If it did fall, literally nothing of importance would fall after. Except maybe the corgis. The corgis are important.

Diet

Primarily carrion and gorditas.

What if it fought a bear?

The raven represents the ruler of Asgard. The bear knows better than to screw with it.