Sunday, July 8, 2012

Changes

Well...where to even start. It's been so long. I'm sorry for the absence. I've missed reading about your lives and feeling connected to this world of support and non-judgement. It's hard to explain why I even left, it wasn't really a conscious decision. Life just happened I guess.

So I guess the biggest and most recent change in my life is that I am newly single. This past weekend I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years and my first love. The boy I've been sharing my life with and planning my future with. I went to visit him last weekend, as I am spending the summer with my mom in another city, and I just knew it was over. There was just nothing left. No excitement to see him, no spark left in our kiss, no desire for him to touch me. Maybe it was all the months spent apart. Maybe it was the guilt of all the horrible things I've done to him over the years. I guess it doesn't really matter because I know this is what I have to do now. I am not willing to settle for a relationship without passion, without fire. I am too young to settle for a good companion for the rest of my life and in a moment of clarity I realized we both deserve better. For so long I ignored the issues, stayed with him and did what I wanted behind his back. It was just time.

So now I'm trying to get my life and my body back on track. Picking up the pieces and putting them together as best I can. I don't think I can be with anyone else until I am happy with myself. I haven't really gained much since my last post, maybe a few pounds. But I'm not any closer to where I want to be either. Maybe now that I'm free of an unhealthy relationship and the weight of guilt, I can build the life I really want for myself.

I want friends. Real close friends that I feel close and connected to. Not just people that I keep around so I'm not alone. And I want to date. I want to find someone that gives me butterflies and makes me remember what love feels like. Most of all I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see. Look at pictures of myself without feeling horrified and embarrassed. If I can accomplish that, I think the rest will follow. Because when I'm not spending my energy hiding and feeling self-conscious, maybe I'll be someone that others want to be around. I really just want to have a fun year. Feel free and happy and alive for once.

So I'm hoping to get to 140 by the end of August. And then get to 120-125 and see how I feel. I need to do this for myself, and for once I feel like i deserve it. Right now I'm on the right track to getting there. My mom and I have been walking this big hill about 5 times per week. It take about an hour so not a bad workout. And we've been eating pretty healthy. So far I've managed to stay out of my "it's never enough" mindset. I'm trying to do things moderately, hopefully I'll be content with slow and steady progress. I just need things to change. And I plan on making it happen.