Sunday, January 27, 2008

Random journaling.....

Ever have one of those moments..days..weeks..where you have that thought, "what is the purpose of this" Not what is the purpose of this life..but what is the purpose of this situation, this conversation, this ...

I'm having one of those weeks. I find myself in these situations and conversations (some I'm not even a part of..just listening) and wondering..why do people talk about these things..why are these things even important. Is every little surfacey detail really THAT important? Does life really need to read out like a Steven King book? Knowing every stupid detail of how you got dressed this morning? Could these little insignificant things really be that life changing? Is this really what life hinges on? And as I listen or watch or try to ignore, I get more and more irritated..and then before I know it I'm saying something that probably would have been better kept inside. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a bit of a problem not speaking my mind..even when it's not all that appropriate.

But then I think to myself, what IS appropriate?

Is it better to just sit there and smile while the bullcrap runs sloppily out of peoples' mouths?

People say they want honesty. I think they want honesty when it is beautiful. They don't want honesty when it's not flattering.

If you truly answer those "what do you think" questions, people tend to get offended, or just completely dismiss you. I'm not saying this is only between me and the people around me. I see it in all of the conversations that go on around me. The minute something cracks below the surfacey conversation you can see the bricks and mortar coming out..and the walls go up faster than the sun sets in Hawaii.

And then there's the constant my shit smells better than yours issue. WHY DOES IT MATTER????? Is individuality really THAT offensive? Do we all REALLY have to be exactly the same? Do we all have to have fun in the same way, smile the same way, think the same way, raise our kids the same way, interact the same way? Is my silent smile somehow worse than your over the top look at me I need approval cackle of a laugh? Does it really make you that uncomfortable that I can sit and be quiet and be completely content in it?

It seems that we all want everyone around us to be exactly the same, because then it's completely predictable and safe and easy.

Hello, my name is ______. Nice to meet you. How are you? Oh wait, please don't go in depth. Just say you're fine, good or great. Don't go any further. Don't elaborate. See you again, soon. Wow, I just made a great new friend!

LAME

I dare you to be deep and willing to open yourself..I dare you to be willing to get hurt. I dare you to be willing to maybe look stupid or say something goofy..I promise, I'll still love you. It's ok to be you..even if you're a complete wack job.

I guess even if you want to be surfacey and basically non existent in our conversations, that's ok. But, I'll always wish that I could have gotten to know the real you..the one you're too scared to show.

The other thing that's bothering me are those who feel they can only be close in certain circles. When it's socially acceptable. Is there a reason we can't be ourselves no matter where we are? Is there a reason we are only "allowed" to talk about certain things with certain people and not others?

I was listening to a conversation and heard a friend tell the people she was talking to that she was nervous b/c she didn't know how others felt about the topic at hand. And, I was instantly heartbroken, angry, disappointed, livid. On one hand, yes, it's nice to be sensitive to others. But on the other hand, why do we feel the need to censor our conversations? I so wish we could just be open and that there would never have to be that worry of offense. That we could love each other in a way that no matter what was being discussed our level of respect would run deep enough to embrace them.

Cuz the thing is, you don't have to agree with someone in order to listen and be empathetic. You don't have to support an issue in order to listen to someones heart.

Or do you.

I don't think if you look in the Bible you'll find a situation where Jesus didn't listen and love the person he was dealing with. Whether He agreed or not, He always had the time and He always was willing to give encouragement. He was honest enough to let the person know that He hated their sin, but He loved THEM. He hated what they were doing, but He loved them as a human. And, He was always willing to help someone up, to give them the truth..even if it wasn't the easy option.

I go back n forth between being a person who enjoys being in conversations and being in the middle of everything to wanting to be removed and just sit and listen and enjoy the atmosphere. I think I got the best of both of my parents in that aspect. My Mom loves being with the group of people at the house and laughing and visiting and telling stories, etc. My Dad loves to sit and watch and smile and sometimes interject..he studies. I'd have to say that I lean more on the side of my Dad's personality than my Mom's at most times.

Talking to Swede a few months back, and asking/complaining about surfacey relationships and why they even had any use. He explained that if I only had vanilla ice cream every day for the rest of my life, I'd get bored. That we like/need all different flavors to make things exciting. And that we can learn and grow in different ways with different "flavors"...and I totally agree with that. I'd never really looked at it that way before. It was kind of a light bulb moment. Of course it didn't set in til later, as most things do for me. I guess I'm just a thinker ;)

Anyway..I'm just feeling frustrated. Wondering where I fit. My whole life I've heard, "why don't you" "why can't you" "if you'd just" and it all surrounds me forcing a cheesy grin or me wanting to skip down the street or me wanting to do back flips to enter into the mainstream fake club.

I finally realized, I'm happy. I'm happy when I'm sitting quietly, watching others. I'm happy when I sit and watch my kids play and the dog roll around on the ground. I'm happy watching the kids at the park skip. I'm happy watching kids play in the snow. I'm happy sitting, reading my magazine and listening to birds. I'm happy listening to my music. I'm happy doing crafts and walking. I'm happy listening to others. I'm happy doing my stupid little dances. I'm happy shoveling my snow, I'm happy cleaning a toilet, I'm happy gorging on mashed potatoes. AND, more importantly I don't have to put a big flashing neon sign on me to let you know that I'm happy. Because being truly happy means I don't have to prove myself to you. I am who I am. If you like it, fine. If not, fine. But, I don't think that being happy means that you never get pissed. That you never get upset or hurt..or sad.

I was telling Swede last time we spoke that I struggled with having peace in my core no matter what was goin on. I wanted to be able to be upset with something or someone but still have that core of peace. Instead I had peace on the surface but anger (or whatever else) in the core. And it was a huge struggle for me. I didn't want to be in a situation where something was happening around me and I on the surface was all peachy but inside was so full of anxiety I could have burst. I instead wanted to be in a situation and be able to show that I was upset, but in my core still have that everlasting peace that I knew all was fine. And, I can say now, that most days I have that. I have that inner peace. But, there are still days when the peace is out the door and I want to attack. Friday and yesterday were 2 of those days. I just snapped. So sick of the bullcrap. So sick of the constant nothingness in things surrounding me. So sick of the petty weird crap. Zero tolerance. I hate it when that happens! BUT, as I sit here and think and get out the crap I can feel the core of peace coming back.

Ernesto posted lyrics to a song today that really as he said gave "warm fuzzies" As I read them I could feel that peace that only comes from the Lord shower my body. You fellow believers know what I'm talking about..I hope! Here are the lyrics:

Daniel Kirkley - Unrepeatable

Heart without a home

Desperate to belong

You haven't been forgotten

Poet with no voice

Singer with no song

Your silence borne of sorrow

Can you hear God whisper...

Chorus

Nowhere else is there another like you

Rare and beautiful is how he made you

Irreplaceable is how he sees you

You're everything that He could dream

Exactly who you were meant to be

You're unrepeatable

Fingerprint of God

Precious child you are

Lovingly created

All that makes you laugh

All that makes you cry

Every dream that stirs within you

Is God calling

(Chorus)

I'm praying that you'll see

And one day you'll believe (that)

(Chorus)

I loved the lines: "Irreplaceable is how He sees you" and, "You're unrepeatable" Because, it's true. You may not be like everyone else..but the great thing is, you were never meant to be. You are irreplaceable, unrepeatable.

AMAZING!

There are different kinds of happy. For me it may never be that crazy bouncing off the walls happy (although I do have my days!), but I've found so much peace in embracing the quiet peaceful happiness that flows through me.

Sometimes I'll look in the mirror at my face and think, wow, there's a story there. As I look at the lines on my face, I can see the hurts and the joys that created them. And, sometimes I look in the mirror and think..wow, this is my outside? Cuz my inside feels SO much better than my outside looks! LOL

So my resolution is to try to remember to smile more..have you ever felt like you were smiling and then made yourself hold that "pose" and ran to the bathroom to see what you really looked like? I have. And sometimes when I think I am smiling, I go into the bathroom and look and it's like..HMM..not so much. In some weird way, though, in encourages me. Because for so long..I was smiling on the outside while the inside was crying. And now, I may not look like I'm smiling on the outside, but on my inside I am SMILING EAR TO GLORIOUS EAR!!!!!!

Sooooo even at times like this, when I am frustrated and disillusioned and whatever else..I'm happy. I'm happy to be able to acknowledge my feelings. And, I'm happy to have the tools to work through them. And, I'm happy to know that no matter what, I am truly loved, irreplaceable, and unrepeatable. And, I'm happy to know that I have a Savior Who truly cares, can feel my growing pains and always welcomes me home back into His arms.

Yesterday and the day before sucked. I was a horrible example and not a very nice person in general. As I like to say, I was captain of the crap parade. But, thankfully, the parade is over and the floats are being disassembled.

Love you guys

*p.s. the word surfacey is not in my dictionary. BUT, it IS in the dictionary of Sarahisms.

We love you too with all of our hearts and we were both very touched by you deep blog. We all have our days and mostly keep them to ourselves. Thank you so much for sharing and glad that you are better. We love your candor and honesty and even your quietness. We know and love you for who you are.Dads