Spider-Man slowly made his way between the empty aisles of snack foods and cereal, keeping as low to the ground as he could. The wide variety of high-quality products at reasonable prices was little comfort against the midnight darkness and lack of smiling employees willing to do their best to solve any shopping problem. Spider-Man had seen the Green Goblin fly into this supermarket, and was determined to stop him once and for all. Or was it the Hobgoblin? Spider-Man could never keep those two straight.

Spider-Man got to the end of the aisle and turned down the next as a crackle sounded from the store’s P.A. system, followed by the jarring shriek of the Green Goblin, or possibly the Hobgoblin. “Peter Parker picked a peck of pickled peppers.”

The voice surprised Spider-Man. How had whichever Goblin that was known his real name? Or maybe he was supposed to know his real name. Spider-Man wasn’t sure which continuity he was in. Maybe Peter Parker was well-known enough as a photographer in this reality that the Goblin would choose that name at random to taunt Spider-Man with? The voice came through the speakers again. “A peck of pickled peppers Peter Parker picked.”

Of course, Spider-Man had known for some time now that his mortal foe was really Norman Osborne, the millionaire businessman who had partially filled in the role of father figure for Spider-Man after the death of his uncle Ben. Or was he Harry Osborne, Spider-Man’s roommate and closest confidante? Spider-Man wasn’t entirely certain of where in the timeline he sat either. “If Peter Parker picked a peck of pickled peppers…”

Was this one of the comic continuities, or the movie? Maybe it was the cartoon? Which cartoon? What if Spider-Man was in a novelization of non-canon action that was supposed to have happened between two of the movies which some random kid online had decided to make a flash video out of? Was he being uploaded to Newgrounds right at that very moment? Spider-Man wished Stan Lee would show up to explain everything like he had in Mall Rats. Or was that Chasing Amy?

Wait, his Spider Sense flashed, telling him that something would be happening to– the shelf of canned vegetables before Spider-Man burst forward revealing the green (or possibly orange: Spider-Man had a hard time telling in the darkness) mask of his foe as he stood menacingly on his hoverboard and cried “Then where are the pickled peppers that Peter Parker picked!?”

Spider-Man jumped backwards with the prescience his Spider Sense allowed him, landing on top of the next shelf over as jars of food flew everywhere. In the darkness, one jar flashed at him and he instinctively jumped from his perch, flicked his wrist, and shot a string of web to catch the jar as he flipped through the air. Before he landed, he managed to fling the jar straight at his enemy’s head.

The shattering of glass and plastic masked the sound of the Goblin’s shriek of pain as he fell from his ride and lost consciousness. Spider-Man stood among the toppled foodstuffs, waiting in the darkness for all movement to settle before restraining the prone super-villain before him. Spider-Man wasn’t sure whether or not this man had caused him to kill Gwen Stacy, or if that had happened yet, or even if it was supposed to happen at all. But he did know that there was a madman before him that needed to be brought to justice, however much it pained Spider-Man.

As Spider-Man began to wrap one Osborne or another in webbing, cracked glass that was held together only by a sticker label began to outweigh the sticky webbing that was holding it to the shelving unit behind him. The glass fell with a crunch, label-side up, and revealed the last words that the Goblin had seen before he lost consciousness: “Pickled Peppers.”