Month: August 2016

I have struggled so much finding love for myself, as I have so much talked of already. One thing I haven’t mentioned is my hair. Now, this doesn’t seem like a big deal, and it isn’t a big deal to me anymore, but it’s one more thing that I finally like about myself due to changing my perspective and I’m going to share with you the beauty in every type of hair. I was born with straight blonde hair that slowly turned brown. I have hated my straight hair for a long time, and have just now found the beauty in it. I always thought of curly hair being princess like, which is why I wanted it, so there you have it. Curly hair can be seen as princess like! I always hated my hair turning brown because of the beauty I saw in blonde hair, which was that I liked the color of it and it seemed fun. “Blondes have more fun.” Now, I love my brown hair because for some reason, it makes me feel like I blend in more with nature when I walk outside. Now, I love my straight hair not being princess like curly because I found it’s own beautiful nature. What I found was that straight hair looks more professional on me. Other assets of having straight hair is the elegant look to it. I always wanted red hair too, because I felt it would set me apart from everyone in the greatest way possible. Black hair to me makes me think that if I had black hair, I would feel like I’m from a very old movie and me loving things from the past, this would be perfect! Therefore, there is amazing qualities in everything you can have, you just have to find them. If anyone tries to tell you that something about you is not good enough, even your own self telling you that, find anything about it that is amazing, and then all you will be left with is a happy mind, and a peaceful soul knowing that anyone who wants to treat you that way is the one with the problem themselves, not you. The reason I talk of this is because I was not able to change my perspective until my perspective was changed for me over and over again. Finally, I learned to channel the way my interest of beauty kept making 360s. It is possible, to find other wonderful qualities besides just the ones I have listed here, but I list them because the start of changing your perspective by yourself, is much easier, in my opinion, if something you possess is put in a light, by someone else, in which you may have never thought of before. This changing perspective thing is just like a super power of self love. And remember, we cannot save others if we do not save ourselves first.

Straight- Professional and elegant.

Curly and super curly- Princess Like and standing out in the best possible way.

An eating disorder of mine stemming out from this, at least when it started and it was due to body image. I thought it was the common stereotype that women had to be fragile and thin. Therefore, according to the world, I had to use eating disordered behaviors and lose weight. However, now I see how much more wonderful it is to fight and be a warrior. Two things got me to this point. And all they were, were two sights to see. One was a girl carrying a chair over her shoulder like it was nothing. She did not complain. Another was reading a book about how a girl escaped. It made me think of being one of a team in a lost jungle. Being the damsel in distress who does not want to be hurt is holding the group behind. Suddenly, I lived to be a warrior. A few things I have learned about being a warrior is that you can be one no matter what you are now. No matter what the personality you possess, you are or can become a warrior. Don’t let anyone tell you, you are fake for trying to be strong. This is surviving and self improvement. Also, if you ever think of yourself as weak because some people are born able to do the things you used to not be able to do, like talking on the phone, that makes you stronger that you pushed through it. This is my example actually. “Normal” people did not have to push through all that anxiety I had when calling people, and now I can call people without a problem. Fighting through anxiety is what makes you strong, not being born without it. And in case you are unconvinced, being a warrior is beautiful. Fierce is beautiful. This is the only time in this blog I will not put two contrasting gif’s or pictures next to one another to show the beauty in both because I think we all have the power to be stronger. Wanting to be fragile is self-destructive in my book. It is true, however, fierce can be just as desirable.

It doesn’t matter because everything is wonderful if it belongs inside or outside a human. “Would you rather be tall or short?” If you change your perspective you could close your eyes and pick a hand if a genie comes to grant you one of two wishes. This is what I’m trying to prove to you all, that if we want the satisfaction of a beautiful heart, this act of tearing people apart isn’t the answer. Change your perspective next time you want to make fun of someone. A lot of people think that if you go for a certain thing, you risk people not liking you or not thinking certain things about you. That doesn’t have to be. Everyone looks at things differently. Beauty in the eyes of someone will land on every inch of this world. If you fell over but wanted to be poised and elegant, look at this gif. An endearing way of a lack of grace. You have the opportunity to fumble but then recover with a smile or a laugh. A perfect opportunity for a smile to reflect back the grace you feel you lost. In fumbling and smiling, you radiate a grace of soul. She isn’t graceful, but she is determined, strong, and I still see so much beauty in this picture. Her strides are strong and endearing And yet, sometimes I have wanted to be clumsy and even found that I was graceful only because I wanted to be clumsy. Well, I easily could have found comfort in being graceful as well. This horse is majestic, graceful and can still be anything he/she wants. It’s strides are balanced and soft. Self as context my dear friends. It means we are only ourselves, we are not a label. One day I was tripping non stop, and that day I was clumsy. Another day I walk without a bump in my step, and that day I was graceful. Labels, therefore, are rude and inaccurate, and I beg of you to tell anyone who tries to label you this.

This is from Anne hathaway. On her instagram account she posted a picture of shorts being cut in half. She talks about there being no shame in gaining weight and that there should never be any shame. At the end she says, “Love what you are given.” This gives me more perspective into my recovery word of “Rude.” I have said in the past that the word rude seems like the most degrading thing and how I am trying to apply my eating disorder ways to this most horrid adjective. It reminds me of a childish meanness and not loving what you are given, is something I can now see myself as being rude if I hate my body and try to change it. I have a life and I’m trying to get rid of it for control, and that is rude of me. Lets not demand more than what we have. Lets be grateful for the beautiful bodies we have.

Pro ed is when people are talking about eating disorders like they are “achievements” or “Good things.” This is deadly. Because of this, people are getting worse in their eating disorder or beginning one. I feel this is still “acceptable” (Acceptable mainly meaning ignored and not punishable except on certain websites) because of the lack of education among the world with eating disorders. For people who do not understand, people suffering with eating disorders can get triggered into doing harmful and deadly things to their bodies based on intentional and unintentional words or actions. It has turned eating disorders into a competition and it is why I have started my goal of trying to get education out in order to end it. The competition is of things such as people’s instagram accounts saying on descriptions things like, Hospitalization times (blank), lowest bmi, highest bmi, etc. In treatment, numbers and food talk is strictly off limits. I have seen accounts that have pictures making fun of people who are bigger which is strictly pro ed. People do not understand that talk like pro ed talk is not just harmful to themselves, it is harmful to people with mental illnesses and it can be deadly. When people are getting by saying these horrible things and being ignored instead of people telling them to stop is completely baffling to me, and the only logical thing that I can think of on this subject as to why this continues to happen, is the lack of education. This is especially important with eating disorders because most people do not know how sick they truly are. Someone could be the same bmi as someone but think that the other person looks thin, but they do not. So this person goes into drastic measures to no avail, because the weight never gets to that place. As for the issue of control, someone could mention a daily caloric number and suddenly this leads to someone’s downward spiral of their eating disorder due to feeling like they must get to that caloric number to feel they have some control in their life or over themselves. I admit that I have had some thoughts of saying things when someone says something to me. When people talk about behaviors like achievements and things of that nature, I feel so insecure about it that I used to feel like I had to join in. First of all, my actions and these other people’s actions do no help to anyone. Second of all, I just want to give my advice to people who engage in pro ed talk. Use opposite action. Maybe you like the way you feel with the way you talk, but I guarantee it feels better to be strong and invincible. This year, I have had people say negative things to me that I have wanted to say something along the lines of, “me too!” But I have used opposite action which means you think of what your eating disorder wants you to say, and just do the opposite. Just think, an eating disorder is a killer. It only causes harm and death, and this should not be who you listen to. This is something that helps me because it makes me feel like, “What on earth does that say about me? I’m listening to a dangerous entity.” All it takes is a second to walk away from the conversation. You may not want to, and you may actually think it would be stupid to not say anything, but, like i have witnessed in myself, as soon as you start doing this, the sooner the triggers go away. Without triggers, pro ed doesn’t have anything to thrive on considering this is basically what pro ed is, which is triggering others on purpose to harm themselves. Since doing this, I have ended treatment feeling strong and not scared. In conclusion, all that read this post, I have one favor that I beg of you. Tell the people you know of this. And let them know of how people with eating disorders feel when these types of things are said. For me, I get very affected by laughing and smiling after behavior talk. All it takes is for people to talk about it, and in my opinion, relapse rates would go down significantly as I am one who relapsed from pro ed talk.

(This is something I wrote about going to treatment and everyone saying that the eating disorder is a monstrous liar and the eating disorder getting a taste of his own medicine. Eventually all he knows is how to deprive himself to deal with painful situations, so by not saying horrible things to us, he develops his own eating disorder then the stronger we get, he will die and we will recover. I also have always been scared of sharing poetry and have been writing songs since I was in 6th grade, and have quit for awhile but i’m back to it now and normally I would not share my writing for fear of it not being good enough but I think this situation of me posting this could be a metaphor in this poem. As I am posting this poem of defying the eating disorder, I am defying the insecurity that my ed preys on.)

One step at a time,
You can lose them just lie.

Don’t listen ugly girl, I swear I love you,
Do they all agree I’m a monster?
How the hell could you?
All of them say I’m wrong and horrid,
How would you feel if your bad thoughts are proven?
You cry, but I am abused all round this room,
But all it was, was I, inside of you.
Ok fine, people love you,
It was just me saying awful things,
However YOU can never understand how much I hurt now,
Because now the whole world says I’m nothing.
I need you please don’t go away,
Or Ill use the only thing I know,
And I’ll hurt myself until I am something,
And then my marks will again show.
So I won’t tell you you’re ugly today,
And then I know you’ll miss me,
But remember I thrive on the pain,
So soon you must come back to me.
Ok you caught me, I lied,
I don’t speak for what’s best for you,
But that’s ok you deserve to die,
No matter what people say to you.

But now I have malnourished myself from not drinking your tears,
And have not absorbed love of nourishment from the depths of your mind,
All in the act of saving myself,
But now I am going to die.
Goodbye.

My own personal experience tells you with truth, that everyone on this planet is beautiful. Whether it be inside or out. I have been through a lot with my demons. It seems I always have different demons, or maybe they change their minds just as fast as I do. However, one day I can want to be seen as smart and my demons tell me I’m stupid. Or another day I want to be stupid, and my demons tell me I’m smart. I have seen the beauty in it all. It’s like my mind and heart have been through all the corners of every aspect there is to being a human, and has found a way to be fond of it all. I always hated not being able to like anything about myself, obviously, but now I see it as an advantage as I have something that allows me to see the beauty in every situation. This time it is forced by my own consciousness instead of a thought wandering into my head without invitation. I am able to tell people about it now. If only my teenager self had known that it would all be worth it. Some times I want to be silly. Which is beautiful.
And sometimes I want to be reserved. Which is beautiful.

My advice is to find who you truly are and then find the beauty in that. I have found this by seeing myself, mostly something that I have tried to change about myself, in someone else. If I see an aspect of my true self in another person, it’s easier for me to see it as amazing. Then my mind changes all around. It all depends on how you look at it. This beauty is still the eye of the beholder. You may see so many aspects of silliness and still don’t see it being lovely in yourself, but the harder you look, you will find something that makes you love yourself. A better interpretation of this amazing aspect you possess. A way to see the beauty in yourself that others tell you they see, but something you are desperate to change. Here’s hoping that you can take this blog post and apply it to your amazing self and finally be at peace. Because I understand all too well how tiring it is to hate yourself. With every single thing in the world a human can posses being beautiful in some way, you are not worth hating yourself.