Self Improvement – Poorer Than YouMoney management for my fellow broke millennials2017-12-09T01:02:08Zhttp://feeds.feedburner.com/PoorerThanYouWordPressStephaniehttp://poorerthanyou.com/?p=22312017-02-06T14:23:00Z2017-01-04T18:54:06ZMost New Year’s resolutions fail. You probably don’t need fancy statistics to tell you that, but fancy statistics on the failure rate of New Year’s resolutions do exist, and they’re quite fascinating. According to a University of Scranton Journal of Clinical Psychology study: Only 8% of people are successful in achieving their resolution (that’s a […]

Only 8% of people are successful in achieving their resolution (that’s a 92% failure rate!)

24% of people never succeed and fail on their resolution each year

75% of resolutions are maintained through the first week (meaning 25% don’t even make it that long)

There’s good news in the report, though. For instance, 39% of people in their twenties achieve their resolutions each year, vs. only 14% of people in their 50s. So as millennials, we’ve got an advantage over older folks trying to make resolutions stick. But, aside from finding the Fountain of Youth, is there anything you can do to make sure you don’t screw up and fail at your resolutions? Yes. Yes, there is.

Resolutions Should Be Strategies, Not Goals

Here are some New Year’s resolutions that don’t work:

I resolve to get in shape this year.

I resolve to fix my finances this year.

I resolve to be less of an asshole this year.

It’s not that these are bad things to try and achieve, it’s that they’re goals – not strategies. They’re nebulous, amorphous blobs that tell us nothing about what you’re going to actually do. It’s the strategy that’s your resolution; a goal is not a resolution.

But You Still Need a Goal

Sometimes, people go too far in the other direction. They resolve to do something just because they think they’re “supposed to.” So then it looks like this:

I resolve to go to the gym 3 times a week this year.

I resolve to save 20% of my income this year.

I resolve to smile at everyone I see this year.

These are good strategies, and they make for good resolutions. Except… they’re not motivating. They fall kinda flat. Why are you doing the thing? What do you hope to achieve?

Only by combining the two things – a strategic resolution with a loftier goal in mind, do you get a good, solid resolution you can stick to:

I resolve to go to the gym 3 times per week this year, to lose 10 pounds and build muscle, in order to live a longer, healthier life.

I resolve to save 20% of my income, putting it into a savings account until I have a 3 month emergency fund, then putting the rest into a Roth IRA, so that I can retire by age 55.

I resolve to smile at everyone I see this year, and take 10 minutes each day to practice deliberate empathy, so that I will become a nicer person and Gary will stop calling me “an asshole” all the time.

Don’t spend too much time working on your goal and strategies. You don’t want to get bogged down feeling like you don’t have a “good enough” goal or strategy. You want to get to work right away, so just write something down and start working on it. You can always change the plan later… but only if you have a plan in the first place.

Recruit Allies and Mentors

Allies

The self-improvement game SuperBetter encourages players to think of themselves as a superhero, and to recruit a superhero squad to help them achieve their goals. You’re looking for the Alfred to your Batman, the Scooby Gang to your Buffy, the X-Men to your Wolverine. People who you look up to, people you don’t want to disappoint, and people who will be supportive and encouraging… while still giving you a good kick in the ass, if you need it.

Ask at least one person to be your “ally” by helping you stick to your New Year’s resolution. Don’t worry about feeling silly – the truth is, most people are flattered to be asked!

Mentors

People in your personal life who can keep you motivated are good and necessary, but you also need someone to learn from. Chances are, you already know someone who’s done what you hope to achieve. Or at least, you know someone who’s better at the thing than you are. Find that person, talk to them, ask them how they got good at the thing. The truth is, most people aren’t born with an ingrained talent for going to the gym/saving money/not being a dick – it’s something they worked at. And you can learn from how they got started, and what they did to stick with it.

Just like with your allies, real-life mentors are best, but if you truly don’t have someone to emulate in your own life, you can turn to the internet for mentors. But it’s not enough to just read someone’s book or blog – you need to reach out, send an email/message/Skype invite, and get a one-on-one conversation going. Otherwise, what you have is not a mentor, it’s just someone who’s entertaining you a bit.

Announce Your Resolution On Social Media. Or, Don’t.

There are two schools of thought here:

Putting your resolution on social media creates accountability. Now, everyone knows what you’re working on, and they’ll know if you fail. To avoid judgement for failing, you’ll work harder to keep your resolution.

Putting your resolution on social media generates praise just for having made the resolution. Your brain, having already achieved the praise it seeks just for posting, doesn’t feel the need to actually work on your resolution. It got what it needed, you feel like you did something productive, and now you’ll just put your feet up and relax without actually doing the thing.

There’s evidence for both sides of this argument, so it’s not a cut-and-dried black-and-white answer. The research article “When Intentions Go Public” provided strong evidence for scenario #2, finding that study participants who had their intentions acknowledged by a researcher spent less time on a task and were less likely to complete it. So it’s the praise, the acknowledgement, that devious little “Like” counter that kills our motivation to work on the thing.

I can offer anecdotal evidence for scenario #1: this blog. I’ve been publishing my goals, strategies, and my net worth updates on here for 10 years, and having it all out there publicly has created a certain amount of accountability. I know if I mess up, you will all see my failures.

But I’ve been called to task on this. In his book Predictably Irrational, Dan Ariely said of my blog and others like it: “Blogging about overspending is important and useful, but … what we truly need is a method to curb our consumption at the moment of temptation, rather than a way to complain about it after the fact.”

Indeed, the answer is: don’t put your resolution on social media unless you are also going to provide frequent updates on your successes and your failures. You need to get the praise when you’ve actually done something – not just for setting the goal. And in order to get the benefit of accountability, you need to fess up when you screw up.

If you’re not willing to make posts about your wins and your losses, then keep your resolution to yourself (and your allies and your mentors, of course).

Set Yourself Up for Several Small Wins Early On

In yet another example of researchers proving me wrong, the Harvard Business Review recently published some research that showed that paying off debts starting with the smallest ones first was more motivating than paying them off in order of interest rate, or consolidating them into one lower-interest debt. They attributed this phenomena to the “power of small wins” – the idea that getting several small wins early in the game is incredibly motivating.

I still stick by my idea that paying off debts in order of interest rate is motivating to people like me who love cold, hard numbers… but I can’t argue with the principle that small wins create motivation. That’s why, when I was paying off my credit card, I used an insane spreadsheet to track every single purchase I was paying off, as I paid them off. This created a series of small wins for me, as I was able to say “today I paid off that camera, and that Blockbuster rental!” (Yes, there were still Blockbusters 10 years ago when I was paying off my credit card. #FeelinOld.)

Okay, so what if your resolution has nothing to do with paying off credit card debt? You can still set yourself up for small wins, as soon as possible. You just have to figure out what that means for your particular resolution. Is it going to the gym and running faster and longer than the old guy on the next treadmill? Is it using an app like Digit or Acorns to save or invest small amounts from your checking account? Is it using a savings challenge to save $1 this week, $2 next week, and so on? Is it sending a nice card to your grandma?

It doesn’t matter how small the win is, as long as it’s some sort of a win that’s intrinsically tied to your resolution, and you get that small win now. Set up a series of them to happen rapid fire over the next few weeks, and you’ll be motivated to keep getting that endorphin rush all through the year.

Make a Follow-Up Appointment with Yourself

Make an event for January 28th. Don’t make it an “all-day” event – pick a specific time. “8pm on January 28th” or whatever, for 30 minutes.

Name the event with the name of your resolution and goal. “Save 20% for a house down payment.” “Go to the gym 3 times/week, lose 15 pounds.” “Be nice, don’t get kicked in the balls.”

Set the event to repeat each month on the 28th. Why not the 31st? Because months with fewer than 31 days seem to screw up Google Calendar’s “repeat on this day of the month” function. (I’m looking at you, February.)

In the description box, paste the following:

How did I do on keeping my New Year’s resolution this month?
– If I didn’t make it this month, what will I do for the next few weeks to catch up?
– If I just barely made it this month, what will I do to improve next month?
– If I did better than my resolution this month, what will I do next month to lock in those gains?

Visit poorerthanyou.com/resolution/ to check in and keep myself motivated!

Now, click “Add a notification.” Make a notification to email you 13 days before the event. This will give you a little reminder on the 15th of the month that your check-in is coming. Add a second notification to email you 1 hour before the event, to remind you to do it. For bonus points, make sure you log in on your smartphone and set up a notification there, too.

Under “Add guests,” add the email address of your best ally. They don’t need to sit down with you for the check-in, but they should contact you after the fact and ask how it went. (Make sure you, uh, tell them this, so they don’t just get a confusing calendar invite and not know what do with it.)

There. Now you’re all set… so long as you actually keep the appointment and ask yourself those questions every month. Reschedule the event if it conflicts with your other plans on a certain month, but make sure you keep it. You set the appointment for the 28th of the month instead of the last day, giving you a little wiggle room to reschedule, if you need it.

So what if most New Year’s resolutions fail? Put this advice into action, and yours won’t.

What do you say? Share your New Year’s resolution in the comments. Don’t worry, there’s no “Like” button for comments here, so you won’t get praise just for sharing that will throw you off your game. But if you come back and check in throughout the year, you will get that motivating accountability we talked about!

]]>5Stephaniehttp://poorerthanyou.com/?p=20392016-08-29T14:33:28Z2016-08-29T14:31:39ZA few weeks ago, Yahoo Finance ran an article on Mr. and Mrs. 1500, detailing how they retired early after setting a goal of doing so in just 1500 days. Yahoo screwed the pooch with the title, “How one couple saved $1 million in 4 years to retire by age 43,” implying that they raised […]

A few weeks ago, Yahoo Finance ran an article on Mr. and Mrs. 1500, detailing how they retired early after setting a goal of doing so in just 1500 days. Yahoo screwed the pooch with the title, “How one couple saved $1 million in 4 years to retire by age 43,” implying that they raised the full million for retirement in those 1500 days, when in reality thereÂ were 17 years of hard work and flipping houses before that.

As you might predict, the comments were basically a shitshow. People went bananas, mostly over the title, claiming that it was LIES DAMN LIES and basically a scam. Here are some of the more civil ones, to save you wading through the comments section to look for them:

“Boy, these articles are usually good. This one is a bit degrading, and completely misleading. They started with a portfolio of $570,000? Makes the entire article moot. They didn’t save a million in 4 years. But they did save over $100k a year, which tells us their income is far, far greater than the American median household salary of $53k.

“So what’s the point of the story? If you’re both work-a-holics with high paying jobs you can retire early? Great.”
– Commenter Scott

“Here we go again! Yet another bullsheet story courtesy of Yahoo. This article is soo full of holes is not even funny. If it is true, then they were extremely lucky to hold on to their jobs for ten years or more, during the worst recession in 50 years, in this day and age when the economy and job market is so volatile. In any case, here are some holes: This is the 8th or 9th similar ‘story’ in the last two months. Really yahoo? Are we to believe all this BS?

“First, this is nothing but an advert for investment companies.

“Second, -if this fairy tale is real- “putting $2,000 a month toward their investments, which stood at $570,000 when they started,” Here we have it. They didn’t EXACTLY started with $40. This is akin to Donald Trump when he said that he made his billions alone. His father only gave him $1 million to start with. Well. …”[Whoops! Cutting this comment WAY off (it goes on, and on and on…) because it fails to actually fulfill that “more civil” promise I made to you. But the TL;DR of the rest of his comment? “YAHOO DIDN’T REPRINT THEIR ENTIRE BLOG IN ONE ARTICLE SO I COULD SCRUTINIZE ALL OF THEIR INCOME AND SPENDING WHICH IS READILY AVAILABLE TO ME IF I WOULD JUST LOOK BUT I WON’T BECAUSE RANTING ON YAHOO IS MORE FUN.”]
– Commenter “Antichiterra“

“Whatever. “started with $570,000″ ?? Well at age 38 if you have that much you’ve already been investing a #$%$ load and you probably make a lot of money. Your probably in the top 10% income earners in the US. I’m 37 and have $2,800 in my retirement account. #$%$ loads of student loan debt and I am not able to get a job in my degree. I make about $2400 a month and live in LA where about 60% of my income goes to rent. After student loan bills, phone and regular bills I have nothing l have nothing left for retirement… THIS IS BS! Only for the rich to read.”
– Commenter BrandonM

But it reminds me of something else that happened on a Yahoo Finance article, years ago (what is it with the comments on Yahoo Finance?): Anya Kamenetz, author of Generation Debt, wrote an article there about some of her frugal money-saving habits, and though I found it tame compared to the lengths I had gone through that year to save money, some commenters ripped her apart for writing the article, and called her life of buying secondhand clothes and having no television “miserable.”

Interestingly enough, Mr. and Mrs. 1500 also got comments like this:

“…You can save a lot of money if you go on no trips and do nothing on your free time besides work, work, work. until you get your goal to retire. But life can be the pits if you do not life a little and go on a trip or two. But if it works for them, that’s good but not everyone can do it.”
– Commenter “Jim”

“Hey, great.. nothing to do but “log expenses” and spend time trying to trim household costs further…with 40 or 50 years to live, without cable and “expensive phone plans”…”
– Commenter “masondixon”

“OK, but they’re not really retired. So shouldn’t the article be titled how we saved $1M to work from home and live a substandard lifestyle. …”
– Commenter “Amelia”

Which makes it seem like some people understood that financial independence isn’t magic, at least.

First, let me get this out of the way: You can say whatever you want (within the Terms of Service of the site you are commenting on). Feel free to complain away, cry foul, yell, scream, rant, and do as you please. Freedom of speech, or whatever.

But.

You are not doing yourself any favors by responding to articles like these with a bunch of complaints about how “normal people can’t do that.” Every single person has their own advantages and disadvantages. The genetic lottery is not equal or fair to us all. I grew up in a rural area, across the street from a cornfield, born to parents who themselves didn’t have the grasp of good financial practices to be able to pass along to me. Some people have parents who teach them a lot, and they learn to save early. Some people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth and get a large inheritance.

None of these real-life “How They Did It” articles are ever going to be a turn-by-turn road map for you to follow. But all of us who want to achieve financial independence without a big, big inheritance? We can all do it, and there are only three ways to get there:

Earn More

Spend Less

Earn More AND Spend Less

That’s it. Those are the options. Everything that can be done to achieve financial independence falls somewhere in there. Even if you win the lottery, you’ll only be financial independent if you figure out how to not spend it all right away.

It’s hard work, and some of the frugal choices that the 1500s, or Anya Kamenetz, or I, have made… well, they’re not for everyone. Just like how you may not be willing/able to go down to one car like my husband and I did last year, my husband and I are equally not able/willing to move to a lower cost of living area.

If you read an article like the one about the 1500s and you can’t find a single takeaway for your own life, that’s fine. They may be so very different from you that you simply could not replicate a single thing they did. But… I doubt that. They are normal people. AnyaÂ Kamenetz is normal. I’m normal. We’re all just folks here, and though no one can do exactly what I or the 1500s have done, 99.999% of people can do some of the things I’ve done, and some of the things that the 1500s have done, and form your own plan to reach your unique goals.

If you read an article like that one and all you can feel is anger, envy, and insecurity, it’s because you are missing the forest for the trees. That’s also true for people who pity me for my “miserly life” without cable television and a second car. Choices the 1500s have made put them on the path they are on, and choices I have made have put me on my path. But we’re all on a path of one type or another.

You can choose to take away useful lessons for your own life from any “How I Did It” article. Or you can brush people off and say “it can’t be done!” Those are choices, too, though. Which one do you think is going to help you on your own financial path?

]]>2Guest Authorhttp://poorerthanyou.com/?p=11332015-01-04T22:59:55Z2010-03-11T00:46:12ZThis week’s guest post comes from Dorothy Anderson, who is a finance blogger and recommends you be very careful before consolidating debts. Do you remember the song by Beatles? “….I’ll buy you a diamond ring my friend if it makes you feel alright, I’ll get you anything my friend if it makes you feel alright […]

]]>This week’s guest post comes from Dorothy Anderson, who is a finance blogger and recommends you be very careful before consolidating debts.

Do you remember the song by Beatles?

“….I’ll buy you a diamond ring my friend if it makes you feel alright,
I’ll get you anything my friend if it makes you feel alright
‘Cause I don’t care too much for money, money can’t buy me love”.

Are you in love but torn by money? You must be having tip offs with your better half? Love often seems to be attacked by the terrible money syndrome. Money is a sweet sensation and can buy anything material. But can it buy love for you? Know those vital tell-tale signs and let love reign in your hearts.

Vital sign 1: For couples, money and sex are the only reasons for stress and estrangement. For those who have tied the knot, one person is in charge of the finances and the other one has no knowledge of the money being spent. At the end of the month, when it is time for a review, couples end up accusing each other for overspending. So as a first step, start sharing everything including money matters. Stop escaping from your responsibilities and instead of blaming each other, sort out ways to pull back the reigns of your household expenses. This will reduce arguments.

Vital sign 2: The most common rift that takes place is due to different spending habits of two people in love. This is natural. Two individuals hail from different backgrounds and may have different spending habits. Only love is the common factor that binds them. It can be so that while you are enjoying a weekend golf, your partner is busy making efforts to consolidate debts to pay off arrears that you both have incurred. So in that case, the one who is enjoying golf must rush to support the other one in paying off debts. You need to sit together and sort out your priorities when it comes to expenditure. Talk it out. Help your partner to clear debts rather than piling them up.

Vital sign 3: Most couples suffer from the very common “why” syndrome. For every little thing that they do or want to do, they ask each other “why”. It may be so that the lady might want to have a nice haircut at a posh salon but the man might ask “why”. At the same time the man might want to have a drink with his colleagues and the lady might ask “why”. From this stems up another tassel. So why keep a space for this irritating “why”? When you both are planning a household budget to regulate your expenses, make sure you keep aside some amount for both of you separately. If you want you can spend independently without having to give any explanation for your desires. It is important for you to understand that people may have different demands. Respect and love each other just the way you are. Ruth Hayden, author of “For Richer, Not Poorer: The Money Book for Couples,” thinks that the right choice is to avoid conflict by keeping some accounts separate. His idea echoes, “You should have some autonomy money, I should have some autonomy money, and we need to learn how to practice being a couple together with our money.”

Vital sign 4: The most challenging situation for a married couple comes when they have to deal with a monetary crisis. No matter how much you try to control your spending, life is unpredictable. There can be a rush hour when you might have to pay for high medical or maternity charges, car repair, mortgage and many other unanticipated situations. But why so? How can money take over your love? Start maintaining an emergency fund. So both of you can decide how much you can contribute. Make sure this amount is directly proportionate to your respective income.

Vital sign 5: Are you throwing tantrums at each other regarding a big purchase? If you are thinking about buying something big such as a house or a car, first check the agreement level. It can be that you want your partner to contribute whereas he/she cannot. So why not give some time? Postpone the idea and let the other person settle down with finances.

Vital sign 6: If you are in love, you must be honest with each other. Lack of integrity is another vital sign that leads to a financial crisis followed by a charged up emotional battlefield. Credit cards are one of the most used financial accessories. Whenever you go for shopping, you usually swipe cards. But are you swiping your partner’s card without his/her knowledge? Stop doing this. Even if you are spending, let your partner know about this. It happens that you keep on swiping cards and at the end of the month when your partner discovers this, it is kind of shocking. This instantly makes way for a big challenge. If you feel you cannot control your temptations, start communicating. Don’t let your partner get disillusioned. It is important to be transparent. Divulge all that you are doing so that nothing is hidden between you two.

Vital sign 7: Couples suffer from another complex-“I am right”. Usually the one who earns more tries to gain an upper hand. So any kind of advice from the one who earns less gets unheard. If you want to be happy, be a good listener. It is very important that you start respecting each other’s views. Since you earn more, it is not necessary that you are making the right decision. Your partner may have a strong say since you both are connected by love. Discuss problems and sort out solutions that would ensure your conjugal well being.

Well known therapist and author of “Overcoming Overspending: A Winning Plan for Spenders and Their Partners’, Olivia Mellan says, “people with different spending attitudes tend to “polarize” when they become a couple”. So the basic idea is to give a conscious effort towards a mutual consonance. If you think digging your head in the sand will drive away your problems, you are not thinking it right. Take the initiative to ward off these issues. Now you know a few vital signs. What next? Act on it. Knowledge is power but actions always speak louder than words as the adage goes. Realize the priority of love over money and don’t let money ruin your happiness.

By the way, I am sure that you can add more vital signs to the list. Why don’t you add it in the list or ask your friend to do so! And don’t forget to keep this blog post open in your partner’s laptop.

]]>21Stephaniehttp://poorerthanyou.com/2009/12/22/the-case-for-a-paper-address-book/2015-01-04T23:00:18Z2009-12-22T13:59:32ZYesterday I had a bit of a scare. Some people rather important to me left my apartment in a car, and we’d had a big snowstorm this weekend. I didn’t know how good the roads were, and when I called them to ask about something trivial a few minutes later, none of them answered their […]

Yesterday I had a bit of a scare. Some people rather important to me left my apartment in a car, and we’d had a big snowstorm this weekend. I didn’t know how good the roads were, and when I called them to ask about something trivial a few minutes later, none of them answered their cell phones. I started to panic and dire scenarios rushed through my head.

Finally one of them picked up his phone, and everything was fine – they just had their phones on silent or out of reach! But during my panic when my imagination was running wild, I realized I didn’t have emergency contact numbers for any of them, and they were the people I would call to get those numbers for each other!

I have a paper address book with all of my emergency contacts in it somewhere, but I don’t know where it is, and I know it’s terribly out of date. After my little panic attack this morning, I’m planning to update it. But emergencies aren’t the only reason you ought to have a paper backup of your numbers.

Your phone might break. If you’re relying on your cell phone to store all of the numbers you call, you might encounter a rude awakening at some point. I did, my sophomore year of college. The screen on my cell phone busted, leaving me without the internal address book, caller ID, or text messaging.

I suddenly realized how many people I called daily without knowing their phone numbers! I had to spend that week making a paper backup that I carried in my wallet just to make phone calls. I still have that same piece of paper in my wallet now, just in case.

Backups of backups. Since the invention of the annoying “I lost my phone and need all of your phone numbers!” Facebook group, cell phone companies realized that backing up contact lists was important. But even an electronic backup can fail, or not be accessible when you need it. For some of them, this is as simple as printing out the electronic backup list every so often.

Addresses. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a lot of people’s phone numbers… but not so many physical addresses on file. Every time I need to mail something to a friend or family member, I have to hunt down their address through Facebook, a mutual friend, or asking the person directly.

Emergencies. Feel free to run through the nightmare scenarios in your head yourself — I’ve hit my quota of those this week already! Basically, relying solely on electronic information storage can be really bad if the power is out when you need that information most.

Address books are cheap — most dollar stores have them, or you could print your own sheets and just use a binder you have laying around. But here’s my big tip for keeping a paper address book: Write in pencil. People change addresses and phone numbers all the time, so instead of crossing things out or keeping the White-Out companies in business by yourself, just write in pencil so you can change it later.

]]>12Guest Authorhttp://poorerthanyou.com/?p=10602015-01-04T23:00:20Z2009-11-24T11:50:00ZThis post is part of the one day blog event “The Spectrum of Personal Finance.” In this event, comic book nerd Brian of My Next Buck, will discuss 8 different emotions (taken from the Green Lantern comic series) and relate them to personal finance. Here at Poorer Than You we will be looking at Rage. […]

]]>This post is part of the one day blog event “The Spectrum of Personal Finance.” In this event, comic book nerd Brian of My Next Buck, will discuss 8 different emotions (taken from the Green Lantern comic series) and relate them to personal finance. Here at Poorer Than You we will be looking at Rage. To view the rest of the event look at the bottom of the page to see the other blogs hosting articles.

Unexpected charges on your cable bill, phone bill, or bank statement is enough to ruin your day. Put yourself in a relationship and an extra $50 can be the start of an argument leading to anger, hurt feelings and resentment.

Money and relationships are a combustible pair. There is a reason that people cite money differences as the greatest cause of their divorce. Each situation is different. Two people can be very compatible, yet differ in their spending and saving philosophies and everything can go south.

Whether you are in a new relationship or an old relationship, the topic of money is bound to come up several times. In the beginning, it may be about who is going to pay for dinner on a consistent basis, or if you two should go dutch.

As things progress, one of the two of you may want to go on a vacation. However, if the other can’t afford it, an argument may ensue. The problem only gets worse as partners start discussing living together. Things come up like:

Who should pay the greater share of the rent?

Should rent be split down the middle?

What about the utilities?

Why am I paying half the utilities if you’re going to take a 30 minute shower?

Should I have to pay half the grocery bill if you are going to buy expensive items?

It’s almost impossible to avoid all of these questions that relate to our relationships and finances. What you CAN do is tackle these issues head on. Here are some methods to make sure tempers don’t flare up when you approach financial questions:

Be Constructive — When talking to your partner about finances, be constructive. Try not to play the blame game. Use the situation as a means of furthering the relationship. “Each time you overdraft your checking account it’s the same cost as two or three drinks we each could have the next time we go out.”

Be Open — Be willing to listen to what your partner has to say. If you become defensive you may miss their concerns that may very well be legitimate. What they say may be the best for the relationship even if it may seem to be a personal assault on you. Furthermore, brainstorming creative ideas about how to spend your time together can be a healthy thing for the relationship. Some ideas that come out of these discussions could end up saving a lot of money.

Show Some Empathy — Each partner is going to bring a different perspective and past experiences into the conversation. Be willing to listen to what they say and try your best to see things from their shoes.

Be Clear — If you have legitimate complaints, don’t beat around the bush. Be tactful and clear. If it’s a cut or dry issue for you, make sure your partner knows how important it is to you.

Don’t Make Faces — When your significant other says they like to spend hundreds of dollars a year on comic books (like me), don’t make a face! Your body language is important when having these serious conversations. Try to be as serious and as compassionate as possible. It may be best to talk about money while sitting at a table as opposed to the couch, or while both of you are maneuvering around the kitchen while cooking dinner.

Be Willing to Renegotiate — Your financial situation will change over the course of a relationship and so will your partners. Be prepared to readdress some of these issues or prepare for new issues. Some things that may come up over the course of a relationship could be moving to a new location, or purchasing a pet.

How do approach these topics with your significant other to prevent both of you getting angry at one another? Are there methods you try to keep both of you calm?

For further reading of the Spectrum of Personal Finance Event, please see:

]]>10Stephaniehttp://poorerthanyou.com/2009/08/17/5-steps-to-curing-yourself-of-phone-phobia/2016-12-27T19:51:46Z2009-08-17T15:00:00ZNo one who knows me, via the blog or in real life, is going to believe what I’m about to tell you. At least, no one who’s met me during the past few years, anyway. But the following is a 100% true story about phone phobia and how I cured myself of it (mostly). As […]

No one who knows me, via the blog or in real life, is going to believe what I’m about to tell you. At least, no one who’s met me during the past few years, anyway. But the following is a 100% true story about phone phobia and how I cured myself of it (mostly).

As a small child, I was exceedingly shy. I refused to even order food at the counter of a fast food restaurant. I couldn’t tell you what exactly I was afraid of, but even with a parent at my side, I clammed up around most adults and strangers. My parents weren’t going to let that lie, though. Years of forced food-ordering and social interactions eventually cured me of my shyness.

Except, it seemed, when it came to talking to people on the telephone. By high school, it was obvious that my shyness’ last stronghold was on the telephone. I wouldn’t call my friends unless I knew their whole family really well, for fear that a strange family member would pick up the phone. I would only order pizza from one shop, because I knew nearly everyone who worked there – even though I had no trouble walking into a strange pizza place and ordering at the counter!

This actually became less of a problem in college, but that was simply due to technology. Cell phones and text messaging meant I could call someone and be reasonably sure that they would be the one to answer. Or I could just send a text message and not have to worry about it at all. Rounding up the group for dinner at the dining hall was just a matter of a flurry of Instant Messages and texts: “6pm. Giant sundial. Meet us there or eat alone!”

When I started reading personal finance blogs in 2006, I noticed something quite peculiar: there are a lot of people like me. People who would negotiate down their bank fees, if only they weren’t terrified of the telephone. We’d call up a discount brokerage firm and ask about investing options, but we hate the phone! So many of our financial problems could be cured with one phone call, but we won’t do it. We could get the ball rolling, if only we could find the courage to dial a number!

Check out this old post from I Will Teach You To Be Rich: Some comments from last week. The mere mention of making phone calls brought out a chorus of cries from people like us:

“I really don’t like using the telephone. really, really stressful.”
“For many people, for a variety of reasons, placing or receiving a phone call is one of the most stressful activities they may encounter in a typical day.”
“That telephone illness is really sad. I suffer it myself, and I find it difficult to order a pizza.”
“I have a phone phobia too!”

I’m not so weird, after all! But this “phone paralysis” is terribly destructive. I can point to specific examples in my past where it has cost me money, jobs, even GPA points. And those are just the quantifiable costs – there’s also the emotional and societal costs of not being able to connect with people through one of the most common communication mediums.

But like I said, I’m largely cured these days. And my transformation is anything but miraculous. Rather, it’s been a series of careful, deliberate steps:

I grew up. I’ll say it before anyone else does and accuses me of ignoring it. A part of my cure has come simply from maturity. I know that’s not very helpful to the adult sufferers reading this, but if you’re a teenager, you can take comfort in the fact that it might get better with age.

I took a job that forced me to make phone calls. I was a hostess at a restaurant, and I needed to call up strangers who had reservations to confirm. At first, I thought I was going to throw up because of it. But, I found a way to make it better, in my mind. I realized that I wasn’t calling on behalf of myself, but rather on behalf of the restaurant. There was something very soothing about the fact that it wasn’t really me calling, it was the restaurant. It wasn’t any skin off my back if the person on the other end got mad at me – they wouldn’t even know my name! There wasn’t much of a chance of someone getting mad at me while confirming their restaurant reservation, anyway.

I made a lot of little calls that didn’t matter much. It’s tough to make an important phone call with phone phobia. Not only is the call important, but you know that you’re bad at phone calls, so you feel like your chances of failure are even higher. You really need to find a way to practice with less important phone calls, before something important comes along. My trick was calling to inquire about the hours a business was open. Find the number, call it, and just say “Hi! I was wondering how late you guys are open tonight?” After they tell you, thank them and hang up. Two lines, easy-peasy.

I kept practicing. Even now, I still do. Whenever my roommates wanted to order pizza, even if I wasn’t going to chip in and eat any of it, I’d offer to make the phone call. Just to get the practice in. This was really helpful in a lot of ways. First of all, it was that “It’s not really me calling, I’m calling on behalf of someone else” thing again. Secondly, knowing my roommates were depending on me to call in the order forced me to actually do it, and do it right away – instead of sitting around debating and talking myself out of it.

Before making an important phone call, I think about previous successful phone calls. It’s really easy to psych yourself out by thinking of failures, or of what “could happen” (in a negative way). I had to actively force myself to remember good phone calls that I made, and think of the positive outcome that I wanted to achieve from the call at hand.

I’m not perfect. I still procrastinate on some big phone calls, and I still manage to psych myself out know and then. But, I’m doing a lot better than I used to. My secret weapon when all else fails? I try to get the person to call me, rather than me calling them. Because I’m pretty good about answering my phone, at least!