A real post that isn’t about pictures and probably won’t get read

Posted on January 17, 2006

I feel kind of distracted and separate from things in the past few days. I’ve had a lot of things on my mind lately, between the car smash-up and the move and the election and worrying about Adam’s emotional and physical well-being. And mine, for that matter.

I’ve found, when driving since the accident, that I’m second-guessing every decision I make on the road. It’s very unnerving, since I’ve generally been confident with my driving for many years now. I imagine if I keep driving, I’ll get back to that level of confidence, but in the meantime I quite simply don’t like driving. I had to drive yesterday to take the car in to get looked at by ICBC, and then today because I had to reach a store that closed at 5:30 before they closed, and had to get there from work – not walking distance. Tomorrow I have to drive because I have an appointment with a registered massage therapist to try and deal with my headaches right after work, and I have to get there on time while minimizing the earliness of leaving the office. It’s my third week there, I don’t want to lose a whole lot of time for health in the first month. I’m trying to make a good impression here!

We’re nearly settled in to the new place, not including hanging things on the wall. We’ve hung up some stuff in the front hallway – the mirrors and two of our wall decorations. The rest of the rooms still have bare walls. The bedroom is a terrifying disaster area – As we have no dresser, all of our clothes have to fit in the closet – which they don’t. Piles of clean clothes are all over the floor, and dirty ones keep getting dropped on them when we aren’t paying attention. I’m not entirely happy with the living room – I don’t like the love seat on the wall next to the TV, but there doesn’t seem to be enough room to float it in the middle without making the place look small.

As for the election… well, I’m afraid Harper’s going to get elected in, even though I don’t know a single person who is voting for him. The man scares me. I fear for the future if he wins.

Adam’s been physically feeling not as bad, except for one problem that he can’t shake. His doctor said ‘oh well, I can’t do anything, you have to live with it forever,’ without even examining him in his last visit. Needless to say, he’s got a new doctor now. Asshole. He’s really frustrated with his work lately – he enjoys working for the company he works for, but he’s feeling the pain of how underpaid he is compared to nearly everywhere else for the work he does. He hasn’t had any leads on other work in the field he’d really like to be working in, and it’s really starting to make him depressed. He’s been feeling kind of wasted and unhappy and completely unfulfilled work-wise, and it’s affecting his mood on a daily basis. He was upset about the new apartment for the first week we were here, just looking for things to be wrong with it. Then he got upset about how much stuff we have and how tied down we are to it (and to our responsibility for it and the cats and such,) and how everything we do is based on getting more stuff (which is partly true, but not completely so.) He’s been so black & white lately, I have days that I’m afraid to talk to him about things for fear that he’ll only have something negative to say. It’s so unlike him.

I think in a way he was starting to feel jealous of his friends with the freedom to go to other countries and travel around and so on. The thing is, that’s not the choice that either of us made – we aren’t single backpackers getting yoga degrees in Tibet. Given the opportunity, I don’t think either of us would be, either. But every once in a while I remember the reason we weren’t together, way back before I started dating Jay and the opportunity briefly presented itself. Sometimes I really do feel like I’m competing against a dream world with him, and I have a lot of trouble believing that’s something I can beat if the battle got serious.

Now don’t think that I’m all worried he’s going to leave me to backpack around the world. He’s not, and I’m not worried about it happening. These are just the thoughts that pass through my head.

All of this, naturally, reflects back on me, trying to keep everything together and everyone happy. I’m actually pretty happy with the new job, I think it’s going well, hopefully they are happy with me. Dayle is pretty happy with the new place – windows he can look out of, birds always flying by, his perch right next to a huge window, and hardwood floors that echo his voice back at him. Sera is just Sera – I think she’d be the same almost anywhere.

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8 Comments

I remember suggesting to him once that we sell all our stuff and move to Ireland. 😉 It’s still tempting as hell sometimes, except that none of the furniture I own is worth that much, and Ireland seems to have immigration regulations or something.

*hugs* Seriously, though, it’s a really hard time you guys are going through, but you’ve made it this far, and things will work out and get better, and you will get a break. Moving anywhere, finding new jobs, these things are huge pains in the butt (boy, do I ever know that, at the moment!), but you’re brave, capable people and you’ll make it fine. 🙂

I totally know how you feel about the driving thing. i hit my first snowbank tonight and after i dug my car out of an iceblock for a half hour and finally got back on the road i was driving so slow like a little old lady on codine or soemthing. i’m thinking with time it will fade. do you remember falling off your bike alot whn you were a kid? i don’t. and i’m sure it happened fairly regualrly. i’m pretty sure that’s where most of my scars are from. that and my cat.