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<HTML><i>Here is an exclusive extract from the new book by Eric von Dunnikins - 'Town Planning of the Gods' - to be serialised exclusively in the Daily Mole next week...</i>

"My recent visit to England to find proof of the influence of 8-foot tall lizard men from another planet required a transnavigation of Swindon, where office block calls to office block like great aunts over some primeval swamp, and I started thinking about architecture.

In a recent BBC programme on some of Britain's 'best' buildings it was claimed that the masons responsible for Durham Cathedral's pillars, many of which were carved with a double helix, may have unwittingly coded life itself into the pillars, so to speak. Whilst obviously a load of bovine waste product, this made me realise that town planning shows conclusive proof that lizard men from another galaxy have visited earth.

Obviously there has been a great cover up. Now, however a nation deserves to be told. Is Swindon's 1928, double helix car park ramp really a representation of DNA, thus proving that Swindon's town planners were in actual fact mysterious lizard men from another galaxy, making a futile attempt to communicate with the planets dominant life form - the automobile? Is there a link to the mysterious concrete avenues of Milton Keynes? And does it explain Croydon?

And let's face it there are many mysteries about the work of the ancients in this country. What mystical force of the lizard men drove people to drag ground up rock all the way from Portland to create a massive circle around the ceremonial centre of 'Landen'? Was this sacred 'M25' associated with ritual sacrifice of gallons of fuel for no good purpose in an attempt to placate the transport god 'Presscote'? Was the avenue known as 'Arseton Expressway' for the starships of the lizard men to land on or was it designed as somewhere to park ceremonial chariots on during the daily festival of 'Rushowwer'? And what sacred words did they 'express'? Surely this could only have ben built with the help of the lizard men?

And what about 'Old Travford'. What 'Trav' did it ford? Was this 'Trav' some kind of bridge between the elemental North and the rich South? Why was it so old - is it evidence of an older culture still? This culture, of course, can surely only be the lizard men. Why did people travel the ceremonial highway of 'M6' every weekend to visit it - and why were there so many prawn shells in the rubbish pits? Furthermore, why was there a similar ceremonial circle known as 'Anne Field'? Was this the name of a woman beloved of the lizard men?

And finally there is the sacred pyramids of 'Tobler One'. Is this the real name of the lizard men's galaxy? Surely no human hand could have constructed such a thing. Lizard men have no protruding nose, and thus are not affected by the bogie seeking power of the pyramids."

<i>All this, and more, will be revealed in von Dunnikins <del>load of old tosh</del><ins>revolutionary insight into the whole of Western civilisation</ins> "Town Planning of the Gods' - serialised only in the Daily Mole next week.

Also in your Daily Mole - we attack Mrs Formby for her ridiculous belief in such neo-mystical twaddle as 'socialism', and Genghis Kahn reveals why he thinks the new 'tough' line on immigration (all vehicles entering Britain to be crushed, just in case a couple of Albanians are hiding inside) is the work of evil Guardian reading lefties....</i></HTML>

<HTML>The town of Mandurah, suburb of Perth, Western Australia, mostly reveal the complete absence of hidden Lizard Men's planning, or indeed, any planning that contains a visible element of style, taste and appeal.
I aplogise to any denziens of Mandurah who may read this, but it truly is one of the suburban bowels of Hell on earth, at least if you have a job that requires knocking door to door............................... *shudders*</HTML>

<HTML>I don't care how awful it is, can I go there RIGHT NOW please? The heating in this place is by night-storage, and of course they haven't been switched on over the weekend, and I am in a serious brass monkey situation. Brrrrrrr.</HTML>

<HTML>I'm with you Dave on the ginger factor...although, thankfully, I don't really freckle too much. I think I burned them all off as a child! And I don't wear shorts or sleeveless shirts anymore: a) because even with SPF 50 I fry in 1/2 an hour and b) because I tend to scare little children with the glare of overly white skin.

And just think, I used to play semi-pro beach volleyball. Sometimes I think the only reason my partner and I did as well as we did is because I blinded my opponents, as I was whiter than the ball. The glow was distracting.</HTML>

<HTML>I also prefer to be on the cool side. I'd rather bundle up a little. The weather here in Virginia can be extreme on either side, although we don't normally get much snowfall in the winter. Our area is actually considered sub-tropical in the summer. It gets BLOODY hot during the summer. Then you add about 95% humidity and it's such a joy! (Please don't inform the Virginia Board of Tourism that I'm saying this!) Most times from about the middle of May thru the middle of September, it ranges between 30/c to about 40/c . (85-105 F for non-metric types)

The winter temps can go ANYWHERE...from well below freezing to about 25/c. It's very variable in the winter. At times, it's warm enough to go play tennis on New Year's day! But at other times, so bitterly cold that you think you might lose any appendages that don't stay completely bundled!</HTML>

<HTML>Damn, you spotted where I pinched that gag from. Most people don't know that Mr Connolly came up with it, and credit me with having a more imaginative sense of humour than perhaps I do....

;-)

Irish eh? as in 'born in ireland' or 'parents were irish'? If so, which bit? Rob and myself had an enjoyable cycling holiday over there a couple of years back. Lots of nice scenery and even more nice guinness....</HTML>