Meanwhile in ChristieLand

Hand to god — I've seen nothing close to Christopher James Christie since Richard Nixon waved and ducked into the chopper.

This post is one of an ongoing series by Scott Raab, an Esquire writer at large and New Jersey resident who has covered the Port Authority for years. Read the entire series here.

"I think this will be a footnote by the time any of those decisions need to be made."

— Chris Christie, 5/14/14, on whether his current problems will affect his potential Presidential candidacy.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

Lordy. I've profiled a lot of crazy mofos in my time — I even hit the Mickey Rourke-Nic Cage-Albert Brooks trifecta back in the 1990s — but when it comes to lunacy, give me a true sociopath: a politician. Try as I might, I'll never forget Rod Blagojevich assuring me, a few months before his trial and conviction, that he would bedazzle a jury with the truth and be set free. I'll forever treasure the paper placemat from a 2008 lunch at a Thai joint in Medina, Ohio, upon which wee Dennis Kucinich sketched out a graph to show how he'd win enough votes from Hilary, Obama, and John Edwards to become the Democratic Presidential nominee in 2008. But — hand to god — I've seen nothing close to Christopher James Christie since Richard Nixon waved and ducked into the chopper.

I've heard rumblings for a couple of weeks now that federal prosecutor Paul Fishman, the U.S. Attorney for New Jersey, will return indictments any day — hasn't happened. Across the Hudson River, the Manhattan District Attorney, working with SEC investigators, is building his case. None of this is confined to the Great Fort Lee Clusterfk — which may well turn out to be the least criminal of the Christie regime's sins. There is the matter of Hoboken's mayor alleging that Christie's lieutenant governor threatened to withhold Sandy relief funds from the town unless she played ball on a real-estate development deal with a client of Christie's hand-picked Port Authority henchman, David Samson. There is the diversion of nearly $2 billion of Port Authority funds to New Jersey state highway projects — after the Port Authority's own attorneys warned that using the PA money for those specific projects would be unlawful.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

Yet there was Chris Christie last Sunday night, bemoaning America's lack of moral leadership and credibility in public. He was speaking at the "Champions of Jewish Values Gala," hosted by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach and sponsored by Reb Shmuley's very own This World: The Values Network, dedicated to "advancing universal Jewish values in the media and culture," not to mention the challenge "affirming the Jewish people as a light unto the nations," to which I, proud Jew and member of a Reconstructionist synagogue, say, "Feh." I mean, why not go whole hog and invite Donald Sterling to share his views on race relations, too?

Not that Christie showed up to affirm universal Jewish values or any such hoo-ha. He came due to his allegiance to the one universal value he likewise shares with every safecracker: That's where the money is. Playing the role of the safe Sunday night was Sheldon Adelson, evanescent billionaire, special friend of right-wing Jews around the world, and a fellow ready to hitch $100 million or more to whichever GOP star seems likeliest to light the way to the White House in 2016. Adelson was present Sunday night — Boteach dedicated his latest book, Kosher Lust, to Adelson and his wife — and Christie, whose courtship of Adelson's thick wallet got off on the wrong foot at a ring-kissing Adelson hosted in Las Vegas in March, when Christie was so unprepared that he dared to refer to the "occupied territories" as "occupied territories" — anathema to a single-state-solution hawk like Adelson. Christie was quick to apologize then, and he hasn't stopped yet.

To the extent that his ideology is based on raising money and leveraging his own power — which is to say entirely — Chris Christie looks much like any other politician of any stripe. What sets him utterly apart — what he has very much in common with Richard Nixon, to whom he is a living footnote — is his own lack of anything resembling moral leadership and credibility.

A Part of Hearst Digital Media
Esquire participates in various affiliate marketing programs, which means we may get paid commissions on editorially chosen products purchased through our links to retailer sites.