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Elizabeth’s 26th Birthday

Today, January 12, is Elizabeth’s birthday. She would be 26 today, if she were alive. Funny how our aging ends, and yet those who are left behind keep track, as if age and years were real. Yesterday I cried, all day. Relieved actually, as it felt like months of tears being released.

My mind wondered why this birthday feels especially potent, especially heart breaking…what is it about 26? Today I realized – I was 26 when Elizabeth was born, 26 years ago. She doesn’t have this opportunity, the huge blessing of having children, and I am missing out on any grandchildren I might have had. When I was 26, I had been waiting years – my whole life it felt like, to have her, my first daughter. I’d always envisioned two daughters and couldn’t wait to get started. Though my vision has served well in seeing much of my future, it didn’t allow this to be seen. I hadn’t been shown this profoundly different reality, being in relationship with one in body and one in spirit.

Today, while talking about Elizabeth with my friend, her godmother Victoria, music started playing in my office. I walked in and the computer had woken up and started playing songs on iTunes, which I didn’t even have open. This has never happened before, and at first I was confused and ignored it, thinking somehow the music I’d been playing on my phone had transferred to the computer… but then realized that’s not possible. When I walked in to see what was playing, it was “Let’s Talk About Sex” by Salt n Pepa, that I’d taken from E’s most-played songs in her iTunes when putting together a playlist for the memorial service. One of her favorites, and I had to dance…

Elizabeth has often sent me messages through music, and the “random” playlist today has been amazing:

“Let’s Talk About Sex” – Salt n Pepa, a favorite of hers

“Earth Kisses Sky” from the album Sky Kisses Earth (Prem Joshua) – the title says it all, yes?

“Son of a Preacher Man” – one of my favorite songs

whale songs – E loved animals deeply, and especially whales

“Flesh and Blood” by Johnny Cash, who she loved

“Let the Wind Carry Me” by Joni Mitchell

Brugh Joy recording from a conference I attended. He was a masterful teacher I was blessed to study with for many years, and Elizabeth had hoped to attend one of his conferences, but he died before she was old enough. This captured him talking about being a screen, as a teacher, knowing when others are projecting onto you, as a way for something deep to arise to consciousness. And then how important it is to notice “what wants to happen rather than what we think should be happening”…

“The End” by Green Day – must be from E’s computer also, and fitting as I am finishing this post!

Fascinating to me, and feels like she’s clearly here with me as I’m writing today.

Yesterday I was trying to come up with something I could do today to honor Elizabeth, a gift for her, and after a few vague ideas realized I should ask her. While in meditation I felt her touch – I was told by a medium that she touches me on my hair, and I very occasionally will feel this touch and know it’s her. I then saw very clearly selecting and sharing a few of my favorite poems of hers. I know this is something that would make her happy, and though they’re ones that are already on this site, they are buried on a page with many others. So, if you will bear with me, I’m creating a few posts, each featuring one of Elizabeth Blue’s poems.

Thinking of you, Lucia, and having a bit of a cry, too; I don’t know what it is about you and Elizabeth, but you touch me deeply. Thank you for sharing her poems, as always – I love to see what she was thinking and feeling. xoxoxo

Thank you Denise. You and Philip as well – we are deeply connected. Your posts always speak so perfectly to what I am experiencing. I wish I could write as often and as fluidly as you, but these days the words are simply not available most days…love, Lucia

I have goosebumps, Lucia. A beautiful post, a wonderful tribute and as always I love your honesty and willingness to share your feelings. Never easy to do, but really a gift you give to yourself and all of us, who get so much out of your posts. Thank you!

Happy birthday Elizabeth. A blog buddy of mine calls the date of the birth of your first baby your ‘momiversary’. So happy momiversary to you. Elizabeth will always be your child and you always her mother.
Daniels birthday is also fast approaching. He would have been 16. Just like your Elizabeth he ages but stays forever 13, the age my youngest is now. 16 also seems a special age.
Much love and happy memories to you today. Sometimes pain is the only way we can really feel close to those who have gone on to adventure elsewhere.
Here in Ireland there is a much used expression for someone who dies young, ‘They were too good for this world’. I’ve often thought that of your beautiful Elizabeth. I am glad you feel her close and despite my lack of belief in a formal religion I do think that song playing was a sign.
xx