Dugard During Captivity: "I Want Control of My Life"

Court papers reveal chilling journal entries

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ANTIOCH, CA - AUGUST 28: Tarps, tents and a wooden structure are seen in the backyard of alleged kidnapper Phillip Garrido August 28, 2009 in Antioch, California. Jaycee Lee Dugard was allegedly kidnapped by Phillip Garrido nearly two decades ago and was forced to live in tents and sheds behind Garrido's home with two of her children that were fathered by Garrido. (Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

Updated at 1:38 PM PST on Thursday, Feb 11, 2010

A chilling journal written by Jaycee Dugard provides a glimpse into her mind while she was being held captive by alleged kidnappers Phillip and Nancy Garrido.

Dugard was kidnapped in 1991 at age 11 and spent 18 years imprisoned by the Garridos. Exceprts from the journal, released Thursday in a court filing, show a girl struggling to gain control of her life.

A Glimpse Into the Jaycee Lee Dugard Mystery

On July 5, 2004, she wrote:

It feels like I'm sinking. I'm afraid I want control of my life ... this is supposed to be my life to do with what I like ... but once again he has taken it away from me? I am afraid he doesn't see how the things he says makes me a prisoner. Why don't I have control of my life!

The documents filed this week also take issue with the defense's claim that Jaycee, her daughters and the Garridos acted as a family, taking vacations and running a business together.

Dugard's attorney details the "false world" in which Dugard and her daughters were forced to live and calls Phillip Garrido a "master manipulator." The Garridos gave their victims fake names and had a well-rehearsed plan to keep their existance a secret, that papers show. Another entry in Dugard's journal, dated Sept. 5, 2003, proves how Garrido had control over Dugard, her attorney says.

I don't want to hurt him ... so how can I ever tell him how I want to be free. Free to come and go as I please. Free to say I have a family. I will never cause him pain if it's in my power to prevent it. FREE

The attorney for the Garridos is pushing the court to force the district attorney to tell them where Dugard is living now so they can talk to her and prepare their defense. The court papers address that request as well, saying there is no legal reason for the visitation and no justification to reveal her wherabouts to the accused kidnappers.

Defendant Garrido attempted to manipulate his victims and the justice system for far too long. It is time to put an end to Defendant Garrido's manipulative and controlling actions once and for all.

Both Phillip and Nancy Garrido have pleaded not guilty to 29 felony counts of kidnapping, forcible rape and false imprisonment in connection with the 1991 case. His bail was set at $30 million in September. The couple is due again in court on March 25.