December 2010

December 31, 2010

"So, just to be clear: this is going to be another Best AND Worst list?"

"Yes."

"Not just a Best list? Or a Worst list?"

"No, Best AND Worst. It's our tradition!"

"Right. It's just that...there are a lot of worsts. And not many bests."

"Come on, there were bests."

"Name one."

"Alice Horton's funeral was great. And so was Palmer Cortlandt's memorial! And, hey, the moment where Sonny shot Dante was seriously good."

"Oh, wow. Death and attempted cop murder. Those sure are some best-y bests."

There's no way to sugarcoat it: 2010 was a pretty dreary year for soaps. There were some good moments, sure. And there were some things that we really hated as they happened but, looking back, turned out to be not so bad at all, comparatively. And then...there was the rest. But we're getting ahead of ourselves.

Best Story: Robin, Patrick and Lisa Star In a Rip-Off Of Homage To Fatal Attraction, General Hospital

When Lisa Niles and her never-ending supply of "This one time, in college? Patrick and I drank a lot of [ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE] and watched a lot of [SPORTING EVENT] and then [SEXUAL ACT] and it was craaaaaaazy" stories came to Port Charles, she might as well have introduced herself to her new co-workers with "Hi, I'm Lisa, and I'm going to sleep with Patrick". That's how clearly this story was telegraphed. We all knew Patrick was going to cheat on Robin; it was only a question of "When?" and "Then what?" and also "Why?" To answer the first question: while Robin was in Africa working on AIDS research, which is probably the single douchiest excuse for infidelity, ever. To answer the second question: Then Lisa went CUH-RAZY and for a few glorious weeks, it was awesome. And to answer the last question: to give Jason Thompson and Kimberly McCullough material for their Emmy reels. Even when the story bordered on camp, Thompson and McCullough managed to ground it in realism with some of the most honest, gut-wrenching performances we saw this year. We dare you to watch Patrick's confession and not be moved. WE DARE YOU! They did such good work (and continue to do such good work even though the writing has definitely taken a turn for the lazy) and Brianna Brown played the hell out of the one note she was given. It even incorporated a surprisingly well-handled return of Stone Cates, so it was our choice for Story Of The Year, no question.

Worst Story: Teen Jess, One Life to Live

At first it seemed like it could have some potential for those of us who've been watching since the first time Jess was seventeen, at least as a cute and brief side story -- but alas, Jessica's amnesia storyline started in the ickiest of possible ways (her biological father tried to rape her) and only got worse from there. They never bothered to explain her illness (was it just a loss of memory, but she was perfectly healthy? was she deeply ill and convinced she was a teenager? was this yet another personality -- because this one certainly didn't resemble the one we knew at that age?) and most everyone seemed content to let her traipse around town unsupervised and behave as if she were indeed a teenager, including letting her go back to high school while she stalked her art teacher/ex-boyfriend. While she was being handled as if she were legitimately seventeen, Brody nonetheless tried to get her to... what? Fall in love with him? Remember that she loved him? Had she actually not regained her memory but still fell for Brody, would he have dated her, and therefore essentially dated a seventeen-year-old? And why in the world didn't she notice how hot that soldier boy is? So much was unclear,and it ended with a possible-impregnation by the slimiest guy in town, Robert Ford. While it was certainly rewarding that at the end of that night we got to see an unconscious and bloodied Ford, nothing was worth having to tolerate Teen Jess for months on end.

Best START To A Story: Sonny Shoots Dante, General Hospital

We knew it was coming, thanks to explicit promos that aired round-the-clock and a helpful chyron that spoiled the shocking storyline twist, but still: when a ruthless Sonny shot a brave, unarmed Dante in the chest and a horrified Olivia wailed "You just shot your own son!", we got goosebumps. The immediate aftermath gave us some top-notch acting and some righteous Sonny hatred that warmed our hearts and souls. The fallout...was terrible. Instead of genuine remorse or growth, we had Sonny petulantly defending himself with "I didn't KNOW he was my son". Because, right, you didn't KNOW, so that totally makes shooting an unarmed cop in the chest okay. Commendable even! Instead of all of Port Charles turning on Sonny, we had throngs of defenders. And Dante, in one of the most poorly written moments of a poorly written year, covered for dear old dad. There are no words. Only curse words.

December 29, 2010

Apparently this is old news for everyone who's better at combing the internet for dirt than I am (which isn't very good), but Carmen Lo Porto (Jack) has been let go.

Word is that they're probably aging the character a bit (will they now actually make him appropriately aged in relation to Dani, his now-older sister who was born a few years after him?). I'm torn. I like the kids who grow up on the show and Jack's been fun comic relief for a while now, but at the same time he's not at an age that has much story potential (though do we really need more teen stories??). I also think Lo Porto's been adept at the one-liners but (argh I hate saying this about kids) does not really have the capability at this point to deliver goods that are much more substantial than that. (Am I officially a bad person now? Oh wait. Am I officially a worse person now?)

What do you guys think? Good move or premature? Any rumors out there about a replacement?

December 28, 2010

This was a really beautifully done scene on the part of the writers and the actors (all three: Hillary B. Smith, Robert S. Woods, and Eddie Alderson) and definitely succeeded in stabbing the very hearts of those of us who've adored this couple since what feels like the beginning of time. I'd complain that it's not fair and that they deserve a little happiness for a while but let's get real... good drama is good drama and it gives them screentime (ahem, AS LONG AS THIS DOES NOT SPLIT THEM UP FOR GOOD). Nora's desperate need to have this be some inexplicable acting-out on Matthew's part was just palpable -- all the gestures and the repetition, all perfectly (and painfully) balanced by Bo's silence and clear look of quiet and utter shame.

December 27, 2010

I was so, so excited for new soaps today. SO excited. And not just because I was looking forward to follow-up on the whole "Michael and Jason stopped by to wish Edward a Merry Christmas and it was like a cup of peppermint hot chocolate for the soul" thing (although that was a big part of it), but also: I spent yesterday snowed in watching Lifetime's "A Perfect Sunday" marathon, filled with movies with "Perfect" in their titles (The Perfect Nanny, The Perfect Teacher, The Perfect Marriage) and even ABC Daytime, with its myriad problems, started to look positively stellar in comparison.

All My Children was pre-empted for snow coverage and a Mayor Bloomberg press conference, so I pinned all of my entertainment hopes and dreams on General Hospital and General Hospital, as ever, was just not up for the task, because there was a GLARING problem. Actually, there were many GLARING problems but one problem GLARED more than the others and I think we all know exactly what problem I am talking about.

I knew, when I was watching Sonny and Brenda's engagement scenes, that I should be annoyed. At how effing rushed this whole engagement is, since Brenda hasn't been back in Port Charles for long and spent the first few weeks back in town moaning about how she shouldn't be allowed to go near Sonny. At the, let's just say it, BIZARRE acting choices Maurice Benard and Vanessa Marcil employed.

Sonny: I've been married, but I've never been able to....[Looks down at the ground in hopes that a kindly production assistant used berries to spell out the next part of the line] [Sees that there is no such line spelled out on the ground] [Thinks "This is awkward"] [More silence]...I've never really been able to let you go and there's been a lot of times that I wanted to reach out to you.

Brenda: I'm afraid of so many things. I'm afraid you'll leave me. I'm afraid that the second I count on you, you'll be gone. I'm afraid I'm not good enough. [Awkward peal of laughter]Sonny: You're absolutely good enough. And I'm not going to leave you at the altar again.Brenda: [DEAFENING CACKLE]

But I couldn't even focus on my annoyance, because I was so distracted by THIS.

What IS that? If you answered "A hairstyle appropriate for a seven-year-old girl", I am totally with you.

December 23, 2010

Okay, so it probably would have made more sense to note that ABC Daytime would be airing blast from the past/blast from, like, a week and a half ago episodes before the repeats started to air, but I've been busy and distracted and, fine, maybe my heart was so warmed by Jason and Michael showing up at the Quartermaine's yesterday to wish Edward a Merry Christmas that I lost all focus.

SUE ME, IT WAS FREAKING ADORABLE.

But, yes: the ABC soaps are showing reruns today, tomorrow, December 30th and December 31st.

And to answer your completely logical question: no, they are not showing holiday themed episodes, because that would just...it would just make sense. And we all know how sense offends the people in charge of ABC Daytime. "WHAT? A New Year's episode on NEW YEAR'S EVE? Why on EARTH would we do that?"

December 22, 2010

How fun is it watching Marty go off the deep end? Yesterday's One Life to Live gave us Susan Haskell having what has to be a grand old time playing Marty's descent into total lunacy; you could almost see her tasting it.

The highlights?

-She jumped up and down gleefully, squealing at the prospect of sharing the news (that Brody is Natalie's baby's father) with John!

-Mocked Natalie for failing to have protected sex with someone more anonymous than her sister's ex-boyfriend.

-Clapped like a seal when Natalie explained that John loves this baby:

-Told Natalie that if she got Cole out of prison, she'd keep her mouth shut and then smacked her lips:

December 21, 2010

I was all set--ALL SET! I had some lengthy, which probably goes without saying because hello, diatribes about how Tracy and Luke should have been shenanigans-free married for real years ago and how the writers have made both characters look so foolish and pathetic and how much I hate, hate, HATE GH's twinkly wacky music. "Haha!", the music taunts us. "This is whimsical! Well, actually, it is maddening, but in a whimsical way! Laugh monkey, laugh!" and how when Luke interrupted the minister and his "Oh, no! No!" was accompanied by that godforsaken piano music of sinister glee, I almost choked on the candy cane Tootsie pop that I was enjoying which (a) is a delicious treat and (b) would have been a HUMILIATING way to die--to be ranty about Luke and Tracy's wedding.

But then Luke and Tracy said their wedding vows and Tony Geary and Jane Elliot were just so good and every complaint I had just vanished and my heart was warmed and I let out a completely involuntary "Aww!"

Luke: I set a trap for you. You flipped it. You caught me. But I love you. We are perfect together. We are each other's unlikely surprise. Totally unexpected. So that's why I'm standing here in full out unapologetic husband mode. I love you Tracy Spanky Popsicle Quartermaine. I want to call you my wife and know it's more than just another nickname.Tracy: Okay. Well, you're right about the unlikely and unexpected surprise thing. You brought me back to life. You gave me something to look forward to. You gave me a reason to get up in the morning and every night, I look forward to our next adventure. Luke Spencer, I will love you til the day I die.

Jane Elliot is always impeccable (I've said before that I want nothing more in life than to have her narrate Serial Drama blog entries, but I'd even settle for getting to watch her read the blog silently. I can just imagine her letting out a knowing murmur or sneering at a particularly unfunny pun.), but Tony Geary, as we know, sometimes has a tendency to go over-the-top. Maybe he got that out of his system during the start of the episode, which was one wacky episode after another? Whatever the case may be, they were so good and ended the episode on such a high note that I am actually looking forward to watching tomorrow. Yes, you read that correctly: looking forward to watching General Hospital, written by Bob Guza.

Of course, not even Jane Elliot and Tony Geary could make up for some GLARING problems, namely: how the hell can Tracy and Luke get married and not have BOBBIE and MONICA and NED and DILLON there? Okay, Ned and Dillon were unlikely to appear, and Bobbie and Monica would mean too many veteran characters on-screen during one episode, which would have offended Guza so much that he'd write in a shootout and kill them all with one fell swoop, but the writers couldn't have spared ten seconds for someone to explain away their absences? Why not cut the scene with Spinelli and Carly yet again discussing the plan to dig up dirt on Brenda and Dante, which was both unentertaining and a recap of every conversation those two have ever had? Ugh, this effing show.

December 20, 2010

I don't think I'm asking much. He's not even on contract, right? And why, pray tell, in a year full of One Life to Live thinking the most important thing in the world is to take all the eye candy they can find, concentrate them all into scenes together and give them primary storylines regardless of whether or not they are compelling characters or actors... why, in that kind of year, have they left this delicious delight on the extreme back burner? (Seriously, the dude's around less than Roxy! Which is almost never... sniff.)

I know full well it's too much to ask, but I just wanted to put it out there to Santa Claus that I would find Detective Theo Price to be a highly acceptably Christmas present.

Another present I'd accept happily? Ford's guilt. Hey Santa, could you hook me up please? If you could make it so Bobby Ford was the one who murdered Eddie in cold blood, that would be super. He could get a cell right next to Cole in prison and have at least a ten-year sentence as well. That would make me smile real big on Christmas morning. Or even better? Inez, James, Ford, Nate, and Todd can all have conspired together to kill him and can all be carted off to the slammer just before we ring in 2011.

December 18, 2010

Oh, who am I kidding? No one is even reading this, because you're all currently hospitalized and receiving treatment for SHOCK, thanks to the SHOCKING episode of General Hospital yesterday that revealed, in SHOCKING fashion, that--wait for it--Siobhan is actually Irish and her over-the-top Irish accent is just an over-the-top Irish accent, not the over-the-top Irish accent of someone pretending to be Irish. I know! Like I said, SHOCKING!

She's also working for The Balkan.

Oh, and The Balkan is Theo, which was a storyline twist that surprised...nobody, anywhere, ever.

Jerry: I'm a little busy at the moment.Theo: So I understand. Why are you disrespecting the girl?Jerry: Because she didn't do as she was told.Theo: I hired Ms. McKenna for a important reason that did not include secret rendesvous where you could threaten her at your convenience, Mr. Jacks.Jerry: Listen, you're The Balkan, hidden somewhere else. No one's shooting at you.Siobhan: Wait, you're not The Balkan?Jerry: You don't have the entire town hunting you.Siobhan: You're not The Balkan?Jerry: No, I'm not. You see, my employer's very shy darling, like you and me. I've never seen his face.Theo: Maybe I should remedy that Mr. Jacks. Maybe it's time for you to better understand who I am and what I want.

It's so like General Hospital to go the most obviously telegraphed route possible, in the most boring way imaginable.

(And THIS was what "floored" Vanessa Marcil?! I hope when Soap Opera Digest said she "clapped", they meant that she "clapped her hands against her forehead and screamed 'Why oh why did I come back to this show?")

December 17, 2010

While it's true that I basically complain about One Life to Live as if my life depended on it, let it never be said that I cannot find joy in the little things! I mean I do watch this show for a reason. I think. Yesterday's episode brought us some blessings, starting with the fact that most of the serious vets had airtime: Clint, Nora, Viki, Dorian, Bo, Echo, Charlie. Throw in the scenes with Tea, Blair, and Todd and the episode may well have had a median age of ADULT! (The total absence of Ford and Langston helped my disposition a lot.)

I groaned a bit when at first it seemed they're going to turn Echo's storyline into a PSA about alcoholism (look, we already have at least three people on this show who can never again have a sip of alcohol -- Jess, Viki, Charlie [who am I missing?] -- and dammit, it limits story options!), but now it seems this will just serve Echo's plan to get closer to Charlie. Lady Zimmer was pretty hilarious when after denying she had a problem, Charlie insisted she did and he'd stay by her side every step of the fight and Echo immediately backtracked and figured, hey, AA is as good a place as any to keep Charlie in her orbit! Time for the first step! "Charlie, I'm powerless over alcohol! Charlie, my life has become unmanageable! Charlie, stick by me and I'll fight!"

And Bo and Nora. Oh, my heart. Bo and Nora. While the "the voice-overs are the thoughts in his head!" trope is one of those silly soap opera necessities, I do prefer it to characters constantly talking to themselves aloud, and boy did Bo have a head full of thoughts yesterday. Good thoughts. Contrite thoughts. Loving thoughts.

Look, Bo's in big trouble with me right now and even though he didn't sleep with Inez, he still made a lot of extremely disloyal and inappropriate decisions that he should have to answer for. Luckily I think his boy Matthew will be taking him to task but good, so I think that'll be well-covered. So I'm still mad at him, but:

Just melt me, why don't you?! Love. I admit it: I have a problem. I am powerless over my Bo and Nora 'shipping and my life has become unmanageable.