I stopped myself from chasing after Emily. She would have stayed if she wanted to talk. I was angry with myself. I wanted more then anything to turn back time and erase the damage I have done. Everyone wants to do that when they do something terrible.

I began to pace my room, thinking of ways to make it up to Emily. Everything I thought of was not even close to good enough. Nothing in this world could make Emily forgive me. I stopped pacing and sat on the edge of my bed. I was officially the worst person in the world right now.

Emily’s family meant so much to her. No matter how dysfunctional or how helpless they were. They were everything to her. She cared more about her family then anybody else I knew. I wish somehow she could contact her father. I think it’d ease her pain just a little. Her father never said where he was going, just that it would be best for them all. I wanted to help her, but I knew I’d do something wrong and this disaster would be beyond fixable, as if it weren’t already.

I opened the drawer to my bedside table and pulled out that monster that ruined everything. I held the baggie full of the deadly white substance. I pondered what to do with it because I sure as hell wasn’t going to finish it.

I heard Tegan’s signature high pitch laugh from the living room, followed by Gerard’s awkward giggle. I could give this crap to Gerard, but then it’d still be in the apartment. Since I’m not good at fighting temptation, I would end up finding it and doing it.

I could sell it. I could become a dealer. I would make lots of money, but I would still have to be in contact with the drug. If I fought the urges to do it, I’m sure everything would work out. But then there was still Emily. I don’t think she’d like the fact that I was selling it.

Emily, Emily, Emily. Her perfect face filled with disappointment and pain appeared in my head. How I was living with myself right now was beyond me. How have I kept myself from shutting down completely, or better yet killing myself? Did I honestly think I would ever gain Emily’s trust or love back? I couldn’t live without her.

I got up from my bed and made my way to the living room. Tegan and Gerard were sitting on the couch, entangled in each other and making out. I cleared my throat and made my presence known. They slowly pulled away from each other and looked up at me.

“Frankie!” Tegan screeched. I smiled. No matter what mood I was in Tegan could always make me smile. Anything she did was always so cheerful and lightened every mood.
“Teeg.” I said softly sitting next to her. I still had the small baggie in my hand. Gerard saw it and took it from me. He examined the contents of the baggie and then shoved it in his pocket.

“You weren’t using that were you?” Gerard asked. I shook my head. “Good.”
“Should I sell it?” I asked. Tegan and Gerard both looked at me like I was out of my mind. I looked back at them with a clueless expression.
“Do you want to go to jail?” Tegan asked.
“I won’t go to jail.” I replied. Gerard laughed.

Now that this plan fell through. I have no idea what I’m going to do. I need a hobby to take my mind off the drugs. I’m not addicted, I know for a fact I’m not. I just really enjoy doing them. Going to rehab would be a waste of time and money.

“Frank, why would you even think of selling drugs?” Tegan asked.
“Money?” I replied. I really had no other reason to, because honestly now that I think about it, it wouldn’t take my mind off of it. If I’m dealing, that’d be all I’d be thinking about.
“Get a real job.” Gerard said.
“I have a job.”
“Mommy and Daddy’s allowance isn’t a job.” Gerard retorted.
“I’m sorry my parents are generous.” I snapped.
“No, you’re just dependent.” Gerard stated.
“Listen, they’re paying for this presentment that you share with me.” I said. “If you have a problem you can leave.”
“What’s your problem?” Gerard questioned.
“I don’t know, maybe I just lost my best friend.” I said standing up. “No big deal or anything.” I finished before leaving the living room. I ran to my room and threw on a hoodie and a pair of shoes. I put up the hood and hurried out of the apartment before Gerard or Tegan could stop me. I heard Tegan yell my name a few times but I kept going.

I walked out into the warm summer night. The air was muggy and thick. I wish I hadn’t left the house. I hate this kind of weather. I knew where I wanted to go, but I knew I couldn’t, there was no way Emily would want to see me. I decided I had to at least attempt to go see Emily. I’d feel better knowing I tried then not going at all. Then again nothing at this point would make me feel better. The way I felt right now was unexplainable. There was absolutely no way I can verbally describe the way I feel. And I’m completely positive that it was no where near how Emily felt right now.

I walked quickly down the street and headed to Emily’s apartment. Thank god she lived just around the corner. I don’t know how much longer I could handle this heat. It took me less then ten minutes to reach Emily’s apartment. Her car was parked out front, so I knew she was home. I raced up the front stairs and reached under the doormat for the spare key. I found the key and let myself in.

“Emily!” I yelled when I walked in. She didn’t answer. I made my way through her immaculate apartment. Everything was completely in order and clean. Unlike mine and Gerard’s disastrous apartment. Hey what do you expect from two twenty year old guys? I checked every room. I finally reached the last room in the apartment; her bathroom. The door was shut and I could see that the light was on from underneath the door.
I opened the door slowly but it wouldn’t open all the way. Something was in front of the door. I figured it was her cat and tried pushing the door again, hoping that fat lazy cat would move, and it didn’t. I peered into the bathroom and say Emily lying in front of the door. Blood covered her arms, the sink and the floor. My heart began to race and I started to panic. If she did this because of me there was no way I could live knowing that. I didn’t know how to get to her. I stepped away from the door and started to cry and breath heavily. How in the world was I going to get in there? She was in no state to move herself and let me in. I realized I could take the door off the hinges. I ran to the kitchen and found a screwdriver and hurried back to get the door off. I got it off as fast as I could and dove down onto the floor next to Emily. This scene was all too familiar. It reminded me of the day me and Emily found her mother dead on the bathroom floor.

A bloody box cutter laid next her. I picked it up and threw it across the bathroom in rage. I picked up Emily and held her close to me. Tears spilled from my eyes onto her pale face. I grabbed a towel and wrapped it tightly around her battered wrist.

“Emily.” I cried into her ear. “I’m here, I’m sorry.” I cried harder. A small moan left her mouth. I shook her gently and waited for her to open her eyes. I removed the towel and inspected the cuts. They were minor and I didn’t see any reason in going to the hospital. I’m sure the reason of her passing out was more then these small cuts.

Emily’s eyes fluttered open slowly. Her blue eyes pierced through me like the box cutter she used on her wrist. She looked angry but relived at the same time.
“I’m sorry.” I cried. She reached up and placed her bloody hand on my face.
“Shh.” She instructed. I nodded and held her closer to me.