Personally, I like
to stay and read
the credits. When the last scene of Titanic faded to
black and
people began rushing for the exits, I shouted: "Quick! There
are only
enough cars in the parking lot for half of us!"

There was this little kid who had a bad
habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he
didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.
Two weeks later, his
mother had her friends over for a game of bridge.
The boy points to
an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I
know what you've
been doing!"

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal
raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has
left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He
sees the
cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As
he reaches
for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks
his and she
yells:
"No, you can't have those! They're for the
funeral!"

Two old men were sat on a bench outside a
nursing home having a
chat. "How are
you, Richard?" asked George.
"I'm not feeling too good today, I'm
utterly
exhausted," replied
Richard. "I've pulled a muscle, and it's
killing me."
"I'm
surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired," said George.
Richard
yawned and said, "Well, it does if you pull it a hundred
times in one
night."