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Thinking about my family & friends.

I look to my right my grandma (she is 88) is getting over a surgery so she sleeps most of the time… I look to my left there is my sister with the same situation… I look to my front there is grandpa (he is 93) does nothing but that’s a given… I look at my back there are my parents middle aged (65/64)… tired of all the stress dealing with their own illness and their parents…

Then there is me in the middle of it unable to move cause I don’t know what to do sometimes. We need a break but we can’t. It is not easy but as a family we move one and work with what we can. I don’t attend church but I know that is it Thanks to God’s mercy and the prayers of those that actually care that we can be strong in the middle of all this never ending chaos.

I might not want to find a job I might not want to work but there are some other things that I care and work hard for even when no one considers it working. I might argue and scream I don’t want to do things but I end up doing it anyways cause if I don’t no one will do it for us. So let me be that way cause I’ll do it anyways in the end no matter how much I complain.

Sometimes I want to run away for a weekend (or forever) from all this. I get tired too. But I can’t cause it is my responsibility as a family member. My family comes before anything else to me… my friends know that (most of the reason why I don’t go out is because there is something happening back home… and the fear of what could happen if I’m not there comes to mind -not that I can stop things from happening but I guess you understand-) And yes sometimes I don’t go out cause well I don’t have money -clean and simple- it is not because I don’t want to go out with them.

Back to where it all started:

All this is my life since I was a kid my grandmother from mom side (she died 5 yrs ago she was 96) lived with us we had a schedule to follow wake up leave her at her home go to school… get out of school pick her up and go home. It all became part of the daily life. Then on weekends we went to my grandparents from dad side (the ones that I mentioned on the first paragraph) to visit them.

After a few years we got older my mom’s mom went to live on the states w/her other “kids” for a few years… then we only had the weekend visits to my dad’s parents… all a bliss but in between we had to take them to doctors appointments do grocery and random stuff.

After a few years… my mom retired from her work and brought back her mom from the states to take care of her. My mother had dreams of traveling since she got retired but all that was put on hold (I mean they do travel but not like they really want to). My mom’s mom already on her 90s was already blind but there was something new she got Alzheimer so that meant we had to change everything.

My parents build a house upstairs (circa 2000) so we could all live in one place since my sister and I where still at home & studying in school etc. We had to make schedules cause my grandma could’t stay home alone. If my parents went out my sister or me had to stay home to take care of her. We all worked hard to get through this. Even with all this we also took care of my dad’s parents you know doctors appointments groceries and so on. Mom didn’t want to go travel at all cause she didn’t want/couldn’t leave her home with strangers.

Then on Oct. 2005 my grandpa had to be hospitalized and while my grandmother (his wife) was visiting him she fell and broke her thigh. Therefore they were both hospitalized at the same time all while we still had to take care of my other grandma. We had to travel back and forth around 50min a few days on the week since they where hospitalized in another town. We did all this carrying with my mom’s mom on the car since she couldn’t stay home. Grandpa got out from the hospital a month later (mid November) and grandma hat to stay for a few more months (until January 2006) since she needed therapy for thigh. So they all ended up living in our house. We had tree beds, three wheelchairs. The bathroom downstairs had to be re-done to our new needs. Lot of work on the house to fit all the wheel chairs. Later we had a few trips back and forth to the hospital in ambulance. Pretty sweet adventure, right?

Anyways years passed and we finally got my parents to go on a trip that they wanted (spring 2007) and left mom’s mom on a Home for Elders and my dad parents back on their house with supervision from a family member. While we where on vacation while landing in Costa Rica we got a called that she passed away. I kind of felt guilt but was also better cause I felt that my grandma wanted to leave us long time ago but since we took good care of her she didn’t knew how to leave us. My mom suffered for a few days but she got over it quite faster… life goes on and we still had two people to take care for.

So after all that it is now 2012 and we had so many trips to hospital on ambulance and emergency rooms and surgeries good news and bad news (my dad even had cancer)… that even when it seems I got used to it… deep inside I’ll never get used to it. Every time we have to go running to an emergency room / call an ambulance a new illness show up I wonder when all this will stop.

Then I look around me and see my family together… the six of us struggling living surviving all this. Even when it gets tiresome I’m some how happy that I’ll be able to say that I did took care of my elders. I don’t have a life of my own I’ve a family life. I hope people understand that I don’t ignore people I only have a lot of other things to work around to be able to meet them. maybe I let all this take over but in the end I choose family over friends but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you or miss you guys cause I really do. It might be wrong but I was build this way.Sorry if I made you feel that way.