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Saturday, August 06, 2011

I never cared for Seinfeld, but this just saw my opinion of it rise a few notches. Here’s a clip where George Costanza is in the hospital for tonsil removal surgery and, rather than face the steep medical costs of the procedure, instead chooses to go “holistic” with a parody of an alternative medicine guru that, in the end, isn’t all that caricaturized:

KRAMER: See, the medical establishment, see, they tried to frame him. It's all politics. But he's a rebel.

JERRY: A rebel? No. Johnny Yuma was a rebel. Eckman is a nut. George, you want to take care of your tonsils, you do it in a hospital. With a doctor.

KRAMER: He's holistic, George. He's holistic.

GEORGE: Holistic … that sounds right.

JERRY: George, you need a medical doctor.

GEORGE: (To Jerry) Let me ask you something … How much do you think it would cost to have tonsils and adenoids removed in the hospital?

JERRY: Well, an overnight stay in a hospital? Minor surgery? I dunno, four grand.

GEORGE: Uh-huh. And how much does the healer charge?

KRAMER: First visit? Thirty-eight bucks.

GEORGE: Oh, yeah? Holistic … that's what I need. That's the answer.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Healer's apartment]

(Jerry and George are sitting on huge pillows on the apartment floor. Kramer’s fiddling with an acupuncture model)

GEORGE: So, how do you like the way I talked you into comin' down here?

JERRY: Don't flatter yourself, my friend. I'm here strictly for material, and I have a feeling this is a potential gold mine … I still think you're nuts, though.

GEORGE: All I know is I've been going to doctors all my life. What has it gotten me? I'm thirty-three years old. I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately to taking forever. You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I've never had a normal, medium orgasm.

JERRY: (Jokingly making fun of George) I've never had a really good pickle.

GEORGE: Besides, what's it gonna cost me? Thirty-eight bucks?

(Tor enters. He hugs Kramer for a long time, then walks over to Jerry and George)

TOR: (To Jerry) Would you not put your foot on that please?

JERRY: Sorry.

(Tor sits down, and turns toward George)

TOR: What month were you born?

GEORGE: April.

TOR: You should have been born in August. Your parents would have been well-advised to wait.

GEORGE: Really?

TOR: Do you use hot water in the shower?

GEORGE: Yes.

TOR: Stop using it.

GEORGE: … Okay.

KRAMER: I'm off hot water.

TOR: Kramer tells me that you are interested in an alternative to surgery.

GEORGE: Yes, yes I am.

TOR: (Blows into George's face) I think we can help you. See, unfortunately, the medical establishment is a business like any other business. And business needs customers. And, they want to sell you their most expensive item which is unnecessary surgery.

GEORGE: (Still on the showers) Can I use hot water on my face?

TOR: No. You know, I am not a business man. I'm a holistic healer. It's a calling, it's a gift. You see, it's in the best interest of the medical profession that you remain sick. You see, that insures good business. You're not a patient. You're a customer.

JERRY: (He thinks this, the audience can hear his thoughts) And you're not a doctor, but you play one in real life.

(George's strapped down on a gurney. His face is purple, and he's screaming. Jerry and Kramer are trying to calm him down. The driver and the assistant in the back are having a huge fight)

GEORGE: (In a state of hysteria) I'm an eggplant! I'm an eggplant! I'm a minstrel man!

DRIVER: (To Assistant) I didn't take your Chuckle, man!

ASSISTANT: I had five Chuckles. I ate a green one, and the yellow one, and the red one is missing!

DRIVER: I don't even like Chuckles!

JERRY: (To Assistant) Maybe he doesn't like them. That's possible.

GEORGE: My face! My face! Get me to the hospital!

ASSISTANT: I want that Chuckle! You hear me?!

JERRY: (To Assistant) I'll get you a Chuckle. You want me to get you a Chuckle?

ASSISTANT: (Angry, to Driver) Pull over!

DRIVER: Pull over? Did you say pull over?! You want a piece of me?!

ASSISTANT: Yeah!

JERRY: You're gonna fight?

GEORGE: Now?! I'm a mutant!

KRAMER: (To Driver) Hey, let me drive.

ASSISTANT: Come on, man. Pull over!

DRIVER: Alright! I'm gonna mess you up, man!

(Ambulance comes to a screeching halt. Driver gets out, and the assistant heads for the back door)

JERRY: (Pleading) Really, gentlemen, please.

GEORGE: My heart! My heart! (To Assistant) Where you going? Are you crazy?!

ASSISTANT: I'm gonna kick his ass.

KRAMER: (To Assistant) Hey, you have keys?

GEORGE: You can't leave! This is an ambulance! This is an emergency!

(The Assistant leaves. Jerry, Kramer, and George watch the two fight)

JERRY: All this for a Chuckle.

KRAMER: What's a Chuckle?

JERRY: It's a jelly candy. it comes in five flavors.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Ambulance]

(It's now moving. The driver's behind the wheel, but the assistant is nowhere in sight)

JERRY: You just can't leave him out there.

DRIVER: I told him I was gonna mess him up.

KRAMER: Well, can you call him an ambulance?

DRIVER: I told him I didn't take his Chuckle. I don't eat that gooey crap!

KRAMER: hey, watch the road! Watch the road, man!

DRIVER: (Turns back, facing Kramer) Hey, man, you want some of what he got?!

JERRY AND KRAMER: Watch out!

(The Ambulance crashes into something)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Hospital room]

(George is in the bed, watching TV, wearing a neck brace. Jerry enters limping and wearing a neck brace, also. He talks to George, but George can't respond verbally)

JERRY: How ya doing? (George nods) Can't talk? (George shakes his head. Jerry gestures to his brace) Hey, how'd you get the plastic one? (George raises his eyebrows) I like that. (George sticks his tongue out) So how's life without tonsils? (George quickly indicates with his arm that he wants ice cream) What? What's that? … So, how much is this thing gonna cost you now? Like, five, six thousand? … (George signals that it's more) Well, live and learn … at least we lived. Kramer went to Eckman … He feels better already … (George motions for ice cream again) What are you doing?

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE: Oh, poor George. Oh, I'm sorry, but I can't stay long. I don't want to run into Doctor Tongue … Here, I brought you something. (Takes out a pint of ice cream. George gets excited) Oh, please, come on … it was nothing.

(Nurse enters)

JERRY: Hey, check the TV.

(The TV is showing the same exact movie Jerry was watching at the start of the show)

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About Me

I’m a liberal skeptic, rationalist & third-wave atheist stuck in a rut in Québec, Canada and who spends his time composing, writing, drawing, harboring a layman’s passion for science and technology, getting angry at social injustices, and most of all, jabbing cretins and trolls with sharp pointy sticks. (Oh, and blogging.) Proud owner of a Nize Hat!, an indomitable SIWOTI syndrome and an itchy snark finger.

You can find all my musical, literary and artistic works at my art blog, Creativitas.