about facing life with hope and confidence, no matter the diagnosis

I write because so many people have told me to write a book about my life, but I have always felt no one would believe this "stranger than fiction" life if I did write it all down. However, after my Dad died, I was continually plagued with his last requests-write your story, Cindy. God has given it to you for a reason. You can help people by showing them what God has done for you through the trials and tribulations of your life.
And so this blog...because I don't know how to write a book. I write just like I talk. So just expect stories where God has been protecting me, teaching me, molding me, refining me and that means through fire! I never know what to expect next nor should you. Seek the Lord while He may be found.

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…Is all I suffered when I fell almost 2 weeks ago! I was on a short step-ladder, hanging my beloved pictures we have collected from our travels. I was coming down and got my foot tangled in the second step! Back, I went on the tile. I hit hard on my tailbone and my left wrist and arm. Just glanced my head! Off we went to the hospital. I was so protected in this fall. I could have broken my neck, my spine, or damaged my arm worse.

When I can see past the pain of the wrist, I am reminded of all the service people in our armed forces who come home permanently without a limb. Being left-handed, it has been extremely difficult to fix my hair, do my makeup, take notes for my job, just being on the phone and trying to type at the same time! But at least my wrist will heal, my tail bone will eventually heal, our wounded warriors sometimes never do.

The apostle Paul said in writing Romans 8:18 “I consider our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” I am trying to remember that.

However, I have just been through the hardest months of my life! As I look back over all I have ever been through, I have often wondered, except for the Lord, I know I would have never made it! That is certainly true of these last few months! Except that this time, I got impatient and angry. I decided it wasn’t fair, in all honesty. I had just had enough. You see in October, I contracted this weird inner ear/balance issue called labrynthitis. Didn’t really get over that before I came down with MRSA and then had to be treated with IV antibiotics, the first two of which was highly allergic to! But I went every single day from Thanksgiving until February 1, eventually having to have surgery to clean it out. It is a nasty bug and it can always come back. Then February 4th, I went into the hospital with clots and severe asthma. I spent a week in the hospital with that.

The Lord says He always has a purpose for what He allows in our lives. He definitely believes in “those teachable moments.” Mine came Friday night watching some different people on Christian TV (the 5th). There were so many things said that just broke my heart. I could see that I was exactly where I needed to be. I had already been introduced to new doctors that for the first time in my life actually seemed to get that certain issues that I thought should be addressed would be addressed. Hopefully this isn’t TMI, but I have a clotting problem obviously as this is the third time for clots in my lungs (see my posts from July 2012) and I have had 3 strokes. The hematologist asked me if I was northern European by descent (Scottish, Irish, English)-yes to all. It turns out, they have a known clotting issue. So I find out on this Tuesday if that is one of my problems. The pulmonologist is also first-rate. He has seen me 3 times since I got out of the hospital, even had to send me back last week as I was in the middle of another attack plus bronchitis. He does believe that there are medicines that with the right testing, my life can be turned around. But mostly, I realized, I needed an attitude adjustment!!

On top of that three weeks to the day that I had gone into the hospital, I had to put my husband in as his heart began to fail again. Unfortunately some very poor cardiologists made some bad choices for him in taking him off of his heart medications in the last 2 years and that is pretty much why he is in trouble now, according to the new cardiologist we have. Please pray for him especially! He has prescribed a brand new congested heart failure medicine for him, plus there is going to be lots of new testing in the next several months. We are hoping that he won’t have to have a new pacemaker/defibrillator installed in the fall.

Today’s devotional from JESUS CALLING by SARAH YOUNG is very special to me.

“Trust Me One Day At A Time. This keeps you close to Me, responsive to My will. Trust is not a natural response, especially for those of you who have been deeply wounded. My Spirit within you is your resident Tutor, helping you in this supernatural endeavor. Yield to His gentle touch; be sensitive to His prompting.

Exert your will to trust Me in all circumstances. Don’t let your need to understand distract you from My Presence. I will equip you to get through this day victoriously, as you live in deep dependence on Me. Tomorrow is busy worrying about itself; don’t get tangled up in its worry-webs. Trust Me one day at a time.”

Psalm 84:12 O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trust in you.

Matthew 6:34 therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

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Please understand that I am NOT saying that I do this well at all! I don’t. I haven’t. I am trying. I am sharing this out of my deepest thankfulness for people in my life who have loved me, prayed for me, supported me, cared for me anyway-even when I was so desperate and angry and so weary I wasn’t sure I could go on. Thank the Savior that He understands all of this. That there is such infinite GRACE!

Isaiah 64: 8 says Yet, O Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are the work of your hand.

Isaiah 45:9 Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker, to him who is but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground. Does the clay say to the potter, ‘What are you making?’ Does your work say, ‘He has no hands?’

Psalm 139: 13-16 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

His love cannot be separated from us, His family and He allows events, health, our families, our jobs, affect/effect, knowing what His overall plan is. Wow that was a mouth full!

What our Lord wants us to do, He says is whenever anything happens, even if we aren’t already right in tune with Him, all we have to do is call out His name! Jesus!

I need a table in an upper room with bread and a cup sitting as a centerpiece. Where I can leave the parts that have been taken and broken and betrayed — the parts where wounds bleed and bitterness grows– under the table at my feet.

WhereI can bless the wounds and break the bitterness and give thanks for it all and do it in remembrance of Him.

I need a ruin.

I need a cross high up on a hill with salvation pooling below. Where I can leave the parts of me that have been beaten and flogged and accused in its shadow. Where I can be saved not just from sin but from myself.

WhereI can receive the forgiveness He offers me, and offer forgivenessof my own, in remembrance of Him.

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Looking forward to the new year can be exciting. It can also be a time of fear, especially in light of the events going on in our world right now. As I have been reading my Bible, I am reminded of a favorite scripture: “For I know the plans I have for you, ” declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11. As I refresh myself in the Peace of His Presence, I have gone back to Psalm 31: 19-20 How great is Your goodness, which You have stored up for those who fear You, which You have wrought for those who take refuge in You before the sons of men! You hide them in the secret place of Your presence from the conspiracies of man; You keep them secretly in a shelter from the strife of tongues. And John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]

You may be saying that is all well and good Cindy, but how do I actually do it? I understand the question. I had to ask the Lord also because even people like me who know Lord well and know the scriptures well, have difficult times in their lives. Family, jobs, finances, friends, community circumstances, can separately or combine to make even the “strongest Christian” buckle. These things are exactly why we have issues in the churches, in marriages, in families that we do. Who then is the enemy? I’ve said it before. Satan is the enemy. He gets in and will do his best to mess up any family that’s just trying to get along, just trying to go to church, get ahead , just a little. One doesn’t have to be zealous for him to go after that family, because he doesn’t want anybody anywhere in a Christian church. The name of Jesus Christ [Christ means Messiah] offends many. That’s exactly why you can have little Muslim children praying to Allah in Maryland 5 times a day out of the classroom, but what do you think the uproar would be if you asked for Christian children to be allowed to come out of the classroom even once a day to pray to Jesus Christ? Sorry, I guess I could be considered a zealot for my Jesus!

I know that if I go to Him day by day, I can achieve a victorious life regardless of my circumstances around me. He has been teaching me that for the past several years. It has been a very hard one battle. A very close battle, because as you know there were times I was fighting for my life. There have been times that it has been difficult financially because my husband is retired on social security and I live on commission and so I very much depend on the Lord and what He does in my business. But as Paul said, I have learned to live on what HE gives me and it is enough. I don’t desire more than HE gives. There are so many scriptures that have uplifted me through these years that I cannot begin to list them all, but please indulge as I list a few: The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Palm 34: 17-18

For we walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7;

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations forever! Amen. Ephesians 3: 20-21

Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus I Thessalonians 5:18 I feel a need to give a bit of commentary here. God did NOT make the bad circumstances, He allowed them. There is a huge difference. Satan always means it for bad, but God can bring good out of the bad. It is a matter of trust.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble. Psalm 46: 1

You know my husband is always saying life with me is never dull! Even though we have not had any late night trips to the ER or terrible illnesses or anything health wise and that was what our life for many years was built around. Now we live in a place I will call almost Paradise. I had on short sleeves today after church, my long sleeve sweater slung over my shoulders. Yesterday we had gone down to the beach to a funky little place a friend had told us about, for lunch. This was a different beach area than we had visited before so we got out and walked around a bit, a gallery, a music and art store–all funky and fun, before going on to walk on the beach. We will go back again I hope!

What I am saying in my long-winded way is “don’t be afraid” God is right there, reaching out to you. Reach back, He will take your hand. Tell Him you aren’t even sure if He’s real or there. But I assure you HE IS! Just because you doubt, doesn’t make Him less so GOD! You were created with knowledge of Him, yep, deep down in that heart and soul of yours. And in the quiet of the night, perhaps when everything isn’t so great, because let’s face it NOBODY’S LIFE IS PERFECT ALL THE TIME, that’s the perfect time to reach out. He’ll be there. I do stake my life on it.

I know I am very behind in my posts. I do apologize. The last two months especially have been very long, draining days. Not that they weren’t exciting and fulfilling, but every minute seemed to be scheduled with clients and candidates and that’s where my focus had to be. Often I was prepping early or late and so there just wasn’t the down time from before. BELIEVE ME, I am not complaining! This has been more of a gift from God in so many ways I cannot begin to tell you. I would love to give you all the little details about how our Lord is so involved in every aspect of our lives, but of course, confidentiality must win! The great little secret though is starting off your day with the Lord! Don’t tell me for one minute He hasn’t known exactly what I was going to be reading for my day and what I would need, because of course, He always does. Praying before I start my calls, makes the difference, I am convinced. Do I get everyone I want? No, but I get everyone the Lord wants me to work with. I know that’s why I am “doing better” this year, in recruiter numbers, but hopefully more importantly in lives changed for the better, people I’ve spoken to sent on their way-better. Whatever it is that I am supposed to do or say for someone who comes into my sphere that day, that is what I am counting on my God, to open my mouth or put in my mind. He of course, never lets me down!

My husband and I were able to travel and see our children and grandchildren this past week for the holiday. Another thing I am grateful for-a boss who knew when I needed a break! I was able to see my brother and 3 sisters and families too! A whole lot of cooking was done-some by me! Amazingly I haven’t forgotten how. I was always able to help in my daughter’s beautiful new kitchen. What a pleasure it was to work there! I learned some new tricks and even made a new dish (for me) bouillabaisse. Nice that it turned out and my husband wants it again now that we are home!

What else might I be thankful for? For now anyway, the freedom to worship my Lord God as I choose. The right to bear arms if I choose. The right to drive a car with a valid drivers license-many women in many parts of the world can’t do this. The right to choose what I want to wear, shorts, jeans, a swimsuit, but whatever I choose. Another choice many women don’t have. I work at a job I love, with men and women. Again, not a choice that many women in the world get to make. People say its for their protection. Yeah, I wonder exactly who’s protection? The one who doesn’t want her to know there is a great big world out there? I might havehave been raised “a long time ago” but one thing my parents never did to me or any of my sisters was tell us what we couldn’t be when we grew up. We are all four very different, accomplished women. And my brothers ain’t bad either!

MOST OF ALL, I am thankful what my Lord Jesus Christ did by coming down from heaven, stepping into time as a baby, growing up to be the God/Man who died on that cross at Calvary for me.

I cried when i read this, because I understood it so well. I have been there when I had it all and it wasn’t enough. When I was pushed and it wasn’t enough. Jesus is enough! The cross says enough! Read it and believe!!

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Towards the end of September we went to visit Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville, FL because I couldn’t find a neurologist locally who had any experience with dura fistulas like I had had back in 2009. Dura Fistulas are extremely rare-form in the womb apparently and slowly, in my case anyway, manifest themselves. I’ve already written about the surgeries and the after effects headaches. It’s the year I first started blogging. I remember being so angry with the Lord to let another thing go wrong with me! Wow and I had no idea of the future did I? It’s a good thing I got past that anger. Anyway, the reason we went was that the soft “squishy spots have reappeared on my head and I had the headaches again. This all started after the stroke in July. I have literally had a constant headache since July 11. The good news is that they didn’t see a dura fistula in the angiogram that was finally performed. I don’t have all the results yet, but have been gone long enough that if things were an emergency, I think they would have called me. The bad news is no one has any answers either. I could have a repeat of the tiny pseudo tumor underneath my scalp, but I don’t think they are big enough to show up for someone to want to operate on them. And I really, really don’t want any more surgery of any kind this year if I don’t absolutely have to have it. So What Do I Do Now? What I have always done in the past. I turn to Jesus. He is the only one that knows all things and has all the answers. What I do know is that this keeps me totally dependent upon Him.

One of the things you do when you go to Mayo is wait a lot. So I was prepared with new books. I have always loved to read. These days not as much time to take advantage of it. And God has changed my reading habits. I used to read any and all things especially the mysteries. I grew up on Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, The Bobbsey Twins and Cherry Ames. I think that is what makes me a good recruiter. Being a detective, looking for the needle in the haystack… Still, there are many today that are so graphic, God stops me from reading them before I am 2 or 3 chapters in. So I was thrilled to find a new Christian mystery writer! Her name is Dee Henderson. And honestly, I have never read a book including non fiction that so clearly answers questions, coming at faith from so many different points. Points of deep loss, deep abuse or abandonment, lack of human love. God is and has always been there. Through every moment of a murder, an abuse, a lack a of love, a lie, He is there. So I highly recommend Dee Henderson. I don’t ever think you will be disappointed in anything she has written.

The other thing I have been involved in is a Bible study of the book of Daniel. For those that don’t know of Daniel, he and his 3 friends were part of the inhabitants of Jerusalem that were captured by King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon. He was the greatest ruler of the Neo- Babylonian period and one of the most competent monarchs of ancient times. Daniel and his three friends were part of the nobility that were taken to become a part of Babylon and go into the king’s service. Daniel 1:8 Daniel resolved not to defile himself with the royal food and wine, and he asked the chief official for permission not to defile himself this way. What of course happened is that Daniel and his friends were healthier than any of the other youths who were eating as the Babylonians. What I learned from that lesson what Godliness is never accidental. Neither is victory coincidental. Both stem from up-front, daily resolve-as in time with the Lord! Consistency! The life blood of integrity is becoming the same person no matter where we are-no matter who’s around. When we become people of integrity, everything we are on the inside is obvious on the outside. That was week 1!

Week 2 was about the dream King Neb had. Get this, he wanted his sorcerers and magicians to tell him what his dream was and then interpret it for him! Talk about difficult!! And if they couldn’t do it, he was going to start chopping them all into little pieces. But because Daniel prayed and asked God what the dream was and what the interpretation was, all the executions were stayed. Remember please that this young man was probably about 18 years old when he did this. But he knew his God. This is the dream and the interpretation. I am including this for those skeptics who don’t believe that God’s Word is true. Daniel 2: 27-45 Daniel replied, ” No wise man, enchanter, magician, or diviner can explain to the king the mystery he has asked about, but there is a God in heaven who reveals mysteries. He has shown King Nebuchadnezzar what will happen in days to come. Your dream and the visions that passed through your mind as you lay on your bed are these: As your were lying there O king, your mind turned to things to come, and the revealer of mysteries showed you what is going to happen. As for me, this mystery has been revealed to me, not because I have greater wisdom than other living men, but so that you, O king, may know the interpretation and that you may understand what went through your mind. You looked, O king, and there before you stood a large statue–an enormous, dazzling statue, awesome in appearance. The head of the statute was made of pure gold, its chest and arms of silver, its belly and thighs of bronze, and its legs of iron, its feet partly of iron and partly of baked clay. While you were watching, a rock was cut out but not by human hands. It struck the statute on its feet of iron and clay and smashed them. Then the iron, the clay, the bronze, the silver and the gold were broken into pieces at the same time and became like chaff on a threshing floor in the summer. The wind swept them away without leaving a trace. But the rock that struck the statue became a huge mountain and filled the whole earth. This was the dream, and now we will interpret it to the king. You, O king, are the king of kings. The God of heaven has given you dominion and power and might and glory; in your hands he has placed mankind and the beasts of the field and the birds of the air. Wherever they live, he has made you ruler over them all. You are that head of gold. After you, another kingdom will rise, inferior to yours. Next, a third kingdom, one of bronze will rule over the whole earth. Finally, there will be a fourth kingdom, strong as iron–for iron breaks and smashes everything–and as iron breaks things to pieces, so it will crush and break all the others. Just as you saw that the feet and toes were partly of baked clay and partly of iron, so this will be a divided kingdom; yet it will have some of the strength of iron in it, even as you saw iron mixed with clay. As the toes were partly iron and partly clay, so this kingdom will be partly strong and partly brittle that will never be destroyed, nor will it be left to another people. It will crush all those kingdoms and bring them to an end, but it will itself endure forever. This is the meaning of the vision of the rock cut out of a mountain, but not by human hands– a rock that broke the iron, the bronze, the clay, the silver and the gold to pieces.

The God of Heaven knows all things. These are the kingdoms being spoken of: Head of Gold-Kingdom of Babylon, Chest and Arms of Silver-Medes and the Persians, Belly and Thighs of Bronze-Greeks(Alexander the Great), Legs of Iron-The Roman Empire, The Feet–the kingdom to come -perhaps even now forming among the European and Roma countries?

Of course Daniel’s words of prophecy were true because every kingdom announced came one after the other. That is how you know a true prophet, you know. He is never wrong.

I think that is enough for today even though we are already up to Daniel 6 this last week. What I can tell you is that I don’t want to be absorbed into the Babylon that is our world. That is the one lesson from the Lord that has been constant with me every week. I’ll do my best not to wait another month to post! I’ll be way too far behind.

I think everyone knows I had really hoped for great health and no more surprises. But as Ken Copeland on a re-broadcast message today said. “You are never going to have a life free from troubles. It will manifest in many different ways, but you will always have troubles, but remember that Jesus said He had overcome the world.” I woke up Saturday morning with severe double vision, a crooked smile and an awful headache. So instead of going to a church get-together, we went to the ER. My first time in this part of the state. The doctor said I had had a “mini stroke” or TIA. They admitted me pretty quickly to the “stroke center floor”. I spent the rest of Saturday and most of Sunday undergoing tests. They started my physical therapy this morning as I did have a problem on my left side with my leg and arm…

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As many of you know, I consider it quite an accomplishment when I get to celebrate another birthday! And so it was this year too! First, I should count my many blessings: my husband of 34 years whom I love so much! My wonderful kids-actually grown women now and son-in-law, and 3 fabulous grand girls! Then there are all of my extended family, my 5 siblings and their families. I have such great sib in-laws, and nieces and nephews and 2 grand-nephews. Then there are my cousins and their families. I look back through the pictures of my life and it has passed so fast so far! I have so many wonderful memories. Not that I plan on stopping making memories, but today I feel very blessed. The picture which I will attach and am going to try to change on the Gravatar is what we took last Friday night. I was full of fresh oysters, shrimp and pompano (a wonderful fish)! All fixed at home, so far we do it better than anybody we’ve found locally! And I do make this wonderful salsa to go with the fish and shrimp. Marvelous!

As I have said so many times, it is the Lord’s blessing that I am here. We do believe that we are living in Paradise on earth anyway, back in FL. I have been able to find some genuinely caring doctors who have gone above and beyond to see to my care. I thought that I would simply see a breast reconstruction surgeon when I got to FL as that was what I was cautioned by my oncologist. I had a lump that was needle biopsied after an MRI couldn’t tell clearly what the lump was. When I brought the MRI to the FL surgeon and we discussed the lump, he said he wasn’t as concerned with getting that out as he was with the picture of my other breast. He showed us that it clearly showed the implant was millimeters from pushing through my skin! This would have been catastrophic on many levels he said. Immediate overwhelming infection, and less so, they couldn’t put the implant back in for 6-12 months. He emphasized the need for immediate surgery which I couldn’t believe they got approved so quickly with my insurance company. Once he got in, he said he found a mess. The previous breast surgeon I had after my double mastectomy had put in silicone implants, one that ruptured. When he replaced it, he never bothered to clean out the silicone. So it’s been flowing around loose in my body for all these years. It probably has something to do with the immunity disorder that I have as I have read that the silicone ruptures did lead to immunity issues in people. All I can say is it’s a good thing he is retired!!! Because of all the mess, it took 3 hours to do my surgery. This surgeon has been incredible. I asked him about his bill and he said I would never see one. I asked if he was sure that Mentor would pay for my implants, he said absolutely. The hospital care was great too. Even his follow-up care has been above-board. He saw me in the office on a Sunday last week because of course, I have some infection. But he wanted to check me himself instead of sending me to the ER. Can you believe that? And he had already driven an hour out-of-town to do military stuff for 9 days. He is the only guy they use!!

Today I had another block in my back after seeing a neurosurgeon who wants to do a sacroiliac join fusion which he thinks will help my pain hugely. But the catch is being off of my right leg weight for 6-8weeks and I live in a townhouse. I need a stair lift and right now that isn’t doable anymore than more surgery is–maybe late this fall? In the meantime, I have a great pain management doc and he schedules me really fast. We saw him Wed and I had the block today. I have no pain at all in the joint. It usually takes a few days for the muscle going over to my hip to get the medicine to, but here is hoping it works for a while!

I have had the most difficult of business weeks. I don’t think I could have managed without my devotional and all of the scriptures from Jesus Calling. Please pray for me that next week goes well as it is a very important week of interviews!

So now we have been here 3 months. Slowly making friends with our neighbors and people at the church. It’s been hard with me being down, but I hope to start having people over for dinner! And I can’t wait for Bible Study to start in the fall. Bible Study and Sunday School that’s where you make your best friends.