American Horror Story: Apocalypse 8.5 Review – ‘Boy Wonder’

I was told ahead of time that this would be the week Stevie Nicks came back to sing. Why they felt the need to heavily crimp her hair is beyond me. Leave that silliness to flamboyant babes like Myrtle, that’s what I say. I decided to get that commercial free FX, and it’s a good thing I did. This week’s episode is, in actuality 39:59. When played on TV, it runs sixty-four minutes — which means it’s crammed to bursting with commercials. A normal hour of programming is forty-two minutes with intro-outro. So, this episode has six additional minutes of commercials added to what is already eighteen minutes of commercials per hour. Come on FX, Be Best! That said, here there be spoilers.

We begin with Cordelia shambling around a wasteland. No one is around, her powers are useless, and she’s graphically devoured by zombies. I do enjoy a good zombie chomping. Alas, this was merely a vision. American Horror Story does love to show us cool things even if they aren’t actually part of the story. I dig this, but can also understand why fans are divided on it.

The returned ladies of Miss Robichaux’s are a little shaky. Queenie isn’t sure where she even is. Coming back from the dead has to be pretty jarring if you’re not a zombie. Because of her vision, Cordelia decides that Michael should be given the test of the Seven Wonders after all. Is it cheating to take this test when you know you have magical inferno blood? Does that count as witchcraft (warlockcraft?) if it comes from such a dark place? The Warlocks seem sure that Cordelia is resistive to Michael because the men would finally be in charge, while she has the proverbial ‘bad feeling about this.’ In her vision, she saw a terrifying demonic white face. Is that Michael? Could it be Satan?

Myrtle. Is. Pissed. No way does she want Michael tested. Can’t say I blame her for that, or her dislike for Mark Zuckerberg. Elsewhere in the coven, Mallory (the obvious next Supreme) is shown to be able to heal wounds and raise the dead. Seeing Coco’s arrival at the Academy was hilarious, though it sort of seems like she might not even have powers and Cordelia was humoring her to get her father’s money. I really hope that doesn’t turn out to be the case. Probably not, because that would be predictable and boring—two things American Horror Story is not. Bottom line is that Cordelia is fading, unless Michael has cursed her with that big nasty infection-looking thing, which is entirely possible.

John Henry Moore is highly concerned about Michael. What’s more, unlike Ariel, he’s not so power hungry that he’s ignoring very real feelings of fear and doubt. John is off to talk to Cordelia and then to get more info on the Boy Wonder. He doesn’t even make it out of town, because he’s murdered and incinerated by Michael’s Satanic guardian. We learn that Ariel is fine with John’s murder, so long as Michael doesn’t reveal ‘who his father is.’ Seriously though, never let Kathy Bates near your ankles. She’s proven she can’t be trusted. She also can’t be trusted around Cheyenne Jackson, since this is the second time she’s killed him. Wait, or third? Was she in on killing Will Drake? I’ll have to watch again and see.

Does Michael’s “father” mean ghost-Tate Langdon? Lucifer? Heck, there might be people who believe the Alpha is Ben Harmon’s kid. BTW, in Murder House, Michael is called an Alpha by the obstetrician who explains what’s happening with the twins. So that’s telling. Makes you wonder just how far in advance they’ve been planning things. The ‘wizards not whizzes’ line was hilarious. Such superb burns on this show. My fave dialogue of the night had to be, “I have humored you men and coddled your fragile egos. But in no way does that mean you actually have a say.” Boy, the Twitterverse would have a field day with that if this was an RL situation.

Michael’s performance in the Seven Wonders went off without a hitch…until Cordelia decided to send him to retrieve Misty Day. Ariel is furious at what he sees as a dirty spitball. But the idea of her spending eternity in frog-dissection-hell made me hope he could do it. After a commercial break, he does. Then he kills the teacher, bewitches the children, and generally makes a big bloody mess. Apparently, there’s a kid named Tommy whose personal hell is that he has to tattle on people for all eternity. When Michael and Misty both return, Cordelia declares him the next Supreme…

…but she’s lying. We find out later that she only administered the test to see how strong he was. Cordelia believes she has an advantage because Michael gave her some of her girls back. Not sure I care for that kind of chicanery on her part, and it seems obvious that any of these people could kill the others with a flick of a finger.

Stevie Nicks is back for a musical number. It does make sense that Cordelia would call her for Misty. BD Wong accompanying her on piano was delightful. Stevie doesn’t go for those loud, high notes anymore. But it’s still amazing to see her still singing and beautiful and imposing. Her rendition of Gypsy was great, if subdued. Sorry to be petty, but I hate the crimped hair. Where are we? Smallville? Michael looked envious of the attention Misty was getting–like he might just kill her on the spot. I’m kinda surprised he didn’t, and still think he might kill her, or any of the witches. Maybe that’s why we haven’t seen Zoe, Misty, or Queenie in the future.

I’m loving Cordelia’s tremendous poise during this whole ordeal. Even after passing out, she isn’t intimidated or defensive around these dickish warlocks—even after Ariel insults her mother, Fiona Goode. Notice that Cordelia didn’t send Michael to bring her back from the afterlife. In the end, Cordelia has some great information about Michael to move forward—but she wants to know more. She’s sending Madison (whom she acknowledges has no true loyalty to anyone but herself) to Murder House to get more info. Does this mean we’ll have an appearance from Billie Dean Howard? Ariel, who has finally admitted to doubts about his handsome prodigy (unless he’s lying), is going too.

At this point, only Pennypacker and Chablis seem to accept that Michael is an okay guy. Everyone agrees that he’s powerful. But Cordelia, Myrtle, John, Misty, Queenie, and Zoe all seem to have doubts about him. Oh, and Ms. Meade. Her loyalty to Michael is obviously unwavering. So why does he allow her to die? Why bring her back as a robot and not a person? What caused the apocalypse in the first place? Who are the Cooperative? Why don’t they care that almost everyone in the outpost was murdered?

After a slow and annoying start, this season has become awesome. We still don’t have answers to many of our questions. I’m assuming it was Mallory who landed the airplane safely in Ep1, but how could she do that without knowing who she was? I want details. Does Coco really have powers or am I tolerating her for no good reason? If we go back to the Murder House, what does that mean for…well, everyone? We know Dylan McDermott and Connie Britton are gonna show up, which I’m stoked for. What kind of mood will they be in, I wonder?

See you’s next week!

9.5

The final score: reviewAmazing

The 411

Why would anyone let Kathy Bates near their ankles, I ask you? Everyone should know that, but someone who was already killed by her in Roanoke should know that even more acutely. Still…a terrible acid—a terrible on purpose happens to Michael's most vocal detractor. Tests are given and grades are challenged as we revisit the Seven Wonders and debate the next step.