Pages

What it’s really Like Living with Anxiety/Depression/PTSD & Learning to Be on My Own

Sunday, 18 September 2016

What it’s really Like Living with Anxiety/Depression/PTSD

& Learning to Be on My Own

As many of you may and may not know, a couple of years
ago I was diagnosed with Anxiety / Depression & PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder) and it sucked and it was petrifying. I had always been aware that something was never right
with myself as I always felt that I was more anxious than others for exams or
going out etc and needed to be around a big group of people to feel safe. Up
until a couple of years ago I never really knew about Mental Illness and how
even the strongest people, people I would call my absolute toughest friends
could be affected by it in such inconceivable ways.

Mental Illness can be
defined as a condition which causes serious disorder in a person’s behaviour or
thinking.

A mental illness is a
condition that affects a person's thinking, feeling or mood. Such conditions
may affect someone's ability to relate to others and function each day. Each
person will have different experiences, even people with the same diagnosis.

A mental health
condition isn’t the result of one event. Research suggests multiple, linking
causes. Genetics, environment and lifestyle influence whether someone develops
a mental health condition. A stressful job or home life makes some people more
susceptible, as do traumatic life events like being the victim of a crime.
Biochemical processes and circuits and basic brain structure may play a role,
too.

One in 5 adults
experiences a mental health condition every year. One in 17 lives with a
serious mental illness such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.

Half of mental health
conditions begin by age 14, and 75% of mental health conditions develop by age
24. The normal personality and behaviour changes of adolescence may mimic or
mask symptoms of a mental health condition.

When
I was first diagnosed I felt like the worst person on earth, I hated myself, I
hated my existence and I didn’t understand why this had to happen to me, I was
a good person. Which looking back on now in hindsight is ludicrous and just
because you’ve been diagnosed with a Mental Illness it doesn’t mean your any
less or the person you are, nor does it define your character. So, after
multiple trips to the doctors and discussions I was put on medication and
referred to counselling, which didn’t go down particularly brilliantly. The
extent and severity of my Mental Illness caused me to have a month off work to
try and help my medication work faster, which did affect me on a personal level
because I was worried that people would think less of me for having to do this.

So
after a few months, the medication ended up making me feel worse and altered my
behaviours/attitude to a horrid extent and the counsellors I met with couldn’t
offer me the counselling I needed due to it’s complexity. So I thought stuff
this, I came off my medication (only come off your medication if you’ve
consulted your GP beforehand) and I decided I was going to tackle this problem
on my own and beat it on my own.

So,
I went to the seaside. I went on my own for the day and let it all out, I told
my mental illness exactly what I thought of it and that it was the most horrid
thing I’d ever seen (I imagine my mental illness to look like some form of
alien/wolf-esk thing if it was to ever be a physical thing) and I sat their
closed my eyes and concentrated in my mind on it. I sat there and visualised
every last detail of it right down to what colour it’s eyes where and I
mentally beat it down, I told it what I thought of it and how it’s a life
ruiner but I wasn’t going to let it ruin my life; which makes me sound even more
nuts but it worked for me, for a while.

After
lots of trial and error over the months and then into years, I found that I
didn’t like doing things on my own because I was so afraid of my own company, I
was afraid of what my Mental Illness might say or think of me; or make me think.
So I challenged it, it was the scariest decision I’ve ever made but I just got
up and got ready one day, brought a train ticket and went to the Birmingham
Bull Ring on my own for the day (probably not the best place to start but I
went straight into the deep end). I stuck my earphones in and had my noise
playing in the background and I wondered, all day. I did end up picking up a
few pieces but it made me realise I could do it; I could be on my own and be
okay. I kept doing it, every so often and still to this day I will choose a day
and just go out on my own with no plan and no intention but to be happy within
myself. Don’t get me wrong, some days it goes pear shaped and others it works.

Living
with a Mental Illness is hard and especially hard if you live with people or
are with someone who doesn’t understand Mental Health in general, you end up
having to learn to be selfish and to cut the people who can’t support or
encourage your positivity out of your life. You’ll have days where you want to
go full speed and just go for it but you’ll also have days/weeks where nothing
goes right or nothing feels like it’s going to change but it will. You write
your own destiny and having that initial courage to tell your Mental Illness
exactly what you think of it will make you feel unleashed. Having a Mental Illness is petrifying but the more you talk to people about it the more you'll see it is very common and it's okay, tones of people have a Mental Illness and a lot of them will be closer to home than you realise and will also be the people you least expect them to be.

Mental Health is a
rollercoaster but don’t just get it off it because you don’t like the ride;
ride it.

Leave a Comment

Post a Comment

Welcome

EST May 2015

About Me

Est May 2015 - The Realist Review journey began in May 2015

I'm Emma, a 20-something year old UK Blogger who is the woman behind the words.

I don't like Kale, I'm super into my body and improving on myself and will always try to ensure this blog is a reflection of my personality what YOU want to see. So, come on in and enjoy the journey ...