With government cheese, everything is a wedge issue

Menu

Seriously, age 8 just isn’t that young anymore. People younger than that routinely handle critical government policies like stealing money from their mom’s wallet or hacking the school principal’s email account.

When her bank account was flush, she could afford to be cruel only to white men. Now she has to be mean to guys who aren’t white just to make ends meet. “It’s depressing,” she says, “but my commitment to socialism will see me through until I get the settlement check.”

“Our estimates are that Hollywood would only need 75 percent of the foreskins collected from the 600,000 legal abortions we induce every year,” said Planned Parenthood President Leana Wen. “There’s clearly no legitimate need to import Korean foreskins.”

“The ‘bullet train’ stopped being an actual bullet train when we realized we’d have to share low-speed track with local commuter and freight services,” said a worker in Fresno who asked to remain anonymous. “That was in 2012.”

Heavily-pregnant young women, who had previously demanded that their children be “subject to the jurisdiction” of the fascist dictator Trump, screamed “Not My President” as they sailed over the flimsy sheet-metal barrier.