NEW ORLEANS—While announcing Sunday’s Super Bowl XLVII matchup between the Ravens and the 49ers, CBS sportscaster Phil Simms reportedly spent the majority of the championship broadcast praising New Orleans’ burgeoning sex trade. “You know, Jim, every time we make our way down to The Big Easy, I am consistently…

NEW ORLEANS—After completing the final game of his career Sunday, Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis was openly crying on national television over what a humiliating spectacle he’s become. “God, look at me! Look at all these people crawling over one another to get a shot of me weeping like this,” a blubbering Lewis…

NEW ORLEANS—Tied up with their efforts to crack their most intriguing case yet, sources confirmed Sunday that the Harbaugh Boys missed the first half of Super Bowl XLVII while attempting to solve The Mystery of Smugglers Cove.

COLUMBUS, OH—Eleven years after last walking through his hometown, 29-year-old local man Paul Brundage reportedly spent the entire evening Friday revisiting his childhood neighborhood in Decatur, IL using the Google Maps Street View feature. “Looks like that tree I always liked to climb is gone now,” said Brundage,…

BURLINGTON, VT—Citing a lifetime of deep commitment to the creative process, profoundly untalented painter Todd Reese told reporters Saturday that his newest mixed-media piece is the inevitable culmination of a decades-long period of artistic growth. “In Hand Of God #8, you can definitely see the evolution of my…

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA—According to sources, clinically depressed groundhog and weather prognosticator Punxsutawney Phil awoke from his slumber this early morning, peered directly into his soul, and saw but a mere pathetic shadow of the rodent he once was. “My God, is this who I am now? Is this what I’ve become?” the…

The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal announced that hackers in China had stolen reporters’ passwords, accessed email accounts, and used malware to gain entry to the newspapers’ computer networks. What do you think?

NORTHAMPTON, MA—Following a long day of work and domestic drudgery, local husband and wife Gene and Brenda Nussbaum are reportedly going at it like a pair of exhausted, sexually inept rabbits. According to sources close to the perpetually tired pair, the two are really going to town on each other like a couple of…

HERNDON, VA—After officially ending her tenure as Secretary of State on Friday, Hillary Clinton wasted no time in moving on to the next stage of her career by opening a new Chili’s franchise location in the metro Washington area, sources reported. “I am absolutely thrilled with this exciting new opportunity to…

Strength: Never shatters Joe Flacco’s confidence by telling him what he actually thinks; Great guy to have in the locker room if you need to borrow shampoo or cologne; Gets separation from speedy defensive backs by running very slowly; Can catch wobbly, piece of shit that Flacco calls a fucking pass

Strength: One of last few remaining ball hawks in United States; Highly prepared player who constantly studies film to memorize an opposing team’s color schemes; Lures quarterbacks into throwing interceptions by loudly shouting, “I’m wide open”

Strength: Antler-based; Natural birthmarks under eyes save a ton of money on face paint; Remains cool and collected in high-pressure environments like Super Bowls or witness stands; No problem wrapping up big backs, bringing them to the ground, and ripping out the entrails

Strength: Marginally less of an asshole than his asshole brother; Incredibly mobile on the sideline; Received better genetic balance between his father’s competitiveness and his mother’s ability not to whine and tantrum and throw fits