Why you may lose that loving feeling after tying the knot

Apr 22, 2009

Dating couples whose dreams include marriage would do well to step back and reflect upon the type of support they'll need from their partners when they cross the threshold, a new Northwestern University study suggests.

Will the partner who supports your hopes and aspirations while you are dating also help you fulfill important responsibilities and obligations that come with marriage? The answer to that question could make a difference in how satisfied you are after tying the knot.

Believing a partner is there to help you grow into the person you aspire to be predicted higher relationship satisfaction for both dating and married couples, the study showed. But the belief that your partner helps you live up to your responsibilities and uphold your commitments only predicted higher relationship satisfaction after marriage.

For dating couples, the relationship itself tends to revolve around whether things are moving forward. Happiness with a partner depends on whether the relationship will grow into something more, whether a partner will support the dreams the other eventually hopes to achieve.

For married couples, the feeling that their partners are helping them to advance their relationships and realize their ideal achievements is still important. But the relationships of married couples, now more interconnected both practically and psychologically, tend to revolve around upholding the commitment made to their partners. Unlike dating couples, married couples also put a high premium on their partners' support of whatever they determine to be necessary obligations.

"In other words, the feelings of being loved and supported that people use to judge who makes a good girlfriend or boyfriend may not be completely trustworthy in deciding who makes a good husband or wife," said Daniel Molden, assistant professor of psychology at Northwestern and lead author of the study. "Those feelings may only partially capture the emotions that will determine your satisfaction with the person you marry."

The findings, Molden said, could be important in explaining why so many marriages fall apart.

The study, which will be published in the July issue of Psychological Science, included 92 heterosexual dating couples and 77 married couples. They completed a battery of questionnaires that included an assessment of how much they thought their partner understood and supported both the hopes and responsibilities they had set for themselves. To measure how different types of perceived support were related to happiness with the relationship, couples also completed well-validated measures of satisfaction, intimacy and trust.

Previous research overwhelmingly demonstrates an important connection between feelings about partner support and satisfaction with a relationship but does not reveal any differences for dating versus married couples.

By identifying different ways in which people feel supported by their partners, the new Northwestern study goes beyond past work to show that support for maintaining perceived responsibilities seems to be important for satisfaction only after marriage.

The study also showed that different types of perceived support predicted differences in people's overall satisfaction with their lives.

"People planning to get married should think about not only how their partners support what they hope to achieve but also about how their partners support what they feel obligated to accomplish," Molden said. "We could end up with both happier marriages and more satisfied people in general."

Related Stories

(PhysOrg.com) -- Is the communication in your relationship a little frosty? It may be the little things you're not doing in daily routines are playing a part, says researcher Leanne Knobloch. Things like forgetting to walk ...

Romance does not have to fizzle out in long-term relationships and progress into a companionship/friendship-type love, a new study has found. Romantic love can last a lifetime and lead to happier, healthier relationships.

What married couples have suspected for years is now proven by researchers at the University of Denver (DU) and Texas A&M - children can add problems and stress to a marriage. According to an eight-year study of 218 couples, ...

Women are better than men in describing their feelings and those of their romantic partners than are men, while the latter tend to project their own feelings upon their partners more than women. This, according to a study ...

A woman shouldn't be surprised if the man she's lived with suddenly stops taking out the trash or putting away the dirty dishes after they get married. The results of a recent international study conducted by researchers ...

With a concern about inappropriate prescribing of antipsychotic medications to children, 31 states have implemented prior authorization policies for atypical antipsychotic prescribing, mostly within the past 5 years, and ...

A recent study published in the March 2015 issue of the Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry finds that Family Based Interpersonal Psychotherapy (FB-IPT) is more effective in treating preado ...

Briefly counseling college students on the dangers of binge drinking is effective in lowering heavy drinking levels among many students, but only temporarily. Three out of four will be right back where they started a year ...

Although some children emerge from cold and neglectful family environments as adults with high self-esteem, a new study by a University at Buffalo research team suggests those people may still be at a relative ...

Anything is possible, I might be persuaded at some point in the future to override my rational judgment on the subject, however I think the odds of my entire body spontaneously quantum tunneling into an alternate universe are higher...

The list of reasons not to is too long, nor do I care to debate them (just as I don't care to debate whether or not the sky is blue). Suffice to say if you've got a good thing going don't mess it up with marriage.

I've suffered quite badly during marriage, but the marriage itself was not the problem.

The problem was trusting a passive-aggressive who was adept at faking interest in true intimacy (not just sex).

As lengould100 mentioned, a marriage is not a partnership as in business, where each partner is there to get as much as they can. A spouse is there to contribute as much as they can. At that point, marriage almost cannot help but work.

One thing I underestimated was the amount of negative change an individual can undergo. I had too many positive/teamwork examples growing up that biased my thinking that we all try to improve over time. This was naive thinking on my part. Nascent personality disorders can manifest at any time. Then living with overt and covert sabotage/negativity become the status quo.
Marriage is a contract and often a spiritual one too. The key point is that are you willing to bet your life that your partner will honor the terms of the contract. It is really easy to be duped by someone just going through the motions. How do you really know that your partner is genuine when you make the deal.
Try to truly understand the other halfs motives before marriage. It is far better to be shocked sooner than later.
Caveat emptor.

I've suffered quite badly during marriage, but the marriage itself was not the problem.
The problem was trusting a passive-aggressive who was adept at faking interest in true intimacy (not just sex).
As lengould100 mentioned, a marriage is not a partnership as in business, where each partner is there to get as much as they can. A spouse is there to contribute as much as they can. At that point, marriage almost cannot help but work.

Sorry to hear that. Do you think that the passive aggression was a character disorder or something curable? True intimacy can be blocked by a subconcious fear of loss. This can often be based on a past trauma.

Please sign in to add a comment.
Registration is free, and takes less than a minute.
Read more

Click here to reset your password.
Sign in to get notified via email when new comments are made.

Javascript is currently disabled in your web browser. For full site functionality, it is necessary to enable Javascript.
In order to enable it, please see these instructions.