Business

WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

OAKBROOK TERRACE, IL—In an effort to provide customers with the most affordable and convenient sexually explicit entertainment, Redbox on Friday debuted a new touchscreen on the back side of the automated kiosk for renting pornographic features.

FORT WORTH, TX—In an effort to provide the most luxurious experience to their most preferred clientele, American Airlines announced Wednesday that they had installed two-way mirrors in their Admirals Club lounges so that members could enjoy the misery of the passengers in the gate waiting area.

WASHINGTON—In a sobering new report that lays bare a hard truth about today’s economy, the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics revealed Monday that many Americans have no choice but to make ends meet by getting up and going to work every day.

CHICAGO—In response to the executive order restricting entry to the United States from six majority-Muslim nations, United Airlines announced Friday that the carrier will offer immigrants and refugees special flights that continuously circle the country until gaps in the travel ban allow them to land.

MILWAUKEE—Calling it a huge opportunity to tap into a market that has traditionally been neglected by motorcycle manufacturers, Harley-Davidson announced Thursday a new line of motorcycles designed specifically for men.

CINCINNATI—Surprised to discover that the once-beloved job perk had lost its appeal over the years, local barber Mike Grossman told reporters Tuesday that he was no longer even that excited by bringing home free bags of hair at the end of the day.

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

DETROIT—Touting the menu item as perfect for “commander-in-chief-sized cravings,” Little Caesars this week launched an extensive marketing campaign for its new Marshmallows ’N’ Gravy Pizza aimed directly at President Donald Trump.

TAMPA, FL—Saying that sitting in the same boardroom together still feels completely surreal, former Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter told reporters Thursday that he had finally fulfilled a lifelong dream of starting a business venture with Jeb Bush.

AUGUSTA, ME—In a dark harbinger of troubled times to come, recently hired office manager Mel Pritchard reportedly placed a new assortment of tea bags in Greydon Media’s kitchen drawer Friday, the first terrifying signal of what to expect from her regime.

NEW YORK—Saying it regularly provides him with the motivation he needs to get through the day, Estée Lauder senior vice president Mark Evans told reporters Friday he keeps a photo of a sobbing 15-year-old girl on his desk to remind himself why he does this.

NEW YORK—Saying it would mark a significant change in the company’s direction, Paradigm Marketing CEO Paul Dannon announced Monday a bold new plan that was evidently intended to undo the havoc caused by last year’s bold new plan.

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WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates.