I don’t know how you are so familiar to me – or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before – in another time, a different place – some other existence.

“I want to text you back too quickly. I want to laugh out loud at the words that cross my screen, and feel no shame letting you know that I’ve heard you. I appreciate your mind, your thoughts and your words, and I take no hesitations in adding my own. I may always be a person who laughs too loudly, answers too quickly and sends too many texts than my more cautious friends would recommend, but if its games you want to play then you can find another woman. I will say what I want, when I want to, and I’ll always hope you will do the same.”

Eight years. I’ve known him for eight years now. We never crossed each other’s lives much, but we were always around, asking each other how we’ve been. I was with him when he fell in love for the first time. Vice versa, he was there when I fell in love.

We met people from different parts of our lives. He got together with a girl from his church, and I got together with a guy who I met at practice. We were 17 then. I watched him being anxious about how to ask her out, what to wear on their first date, and how to confess his feelings to her. As for me, I didn’t tell him much about my love life, but he was there, as a friend.

Every few weeks, we would catch up through texts. “Heyy, how are you? How’s your girlfriend?” He would start telling me that they’re fine, just that his expenses were increasing, and as a student, it took a slight toll on him.

One day, I asked the same question. His reply was the same, but slightly different. This time, it went like this “Yeah, we’re fine. But if things don’t work out between me and her, I’m gonna get you to marry me.” That took me aback. He had to be joking. We’re just friends.

At that time, I was attached to another guy from my university. I didn’t think much of what he said, afterall it had to be a joke. He meant it as a joke. Right? I laughed it off, and told him to cut it out. The next day, I forgot all about it.

A few months down the road, I found out that he broke up with his girlfriend, but I didn’t probe, because I assumed that he would tell me if he wanted to. He didn’t.

We started drifting apart. The monthly texts became less frequent. Twice a year maybe. I was busy, and so was he. We stopped keeping track of each other’s lives. We grew apart. Subsequently I broke up with my boyfriend.

He finally texts me one day to meet up with the rest of our mutual friends. I said yes. I was elated, because somehow he felt like a long lost friend. Our mutual friends however were busy, so we met up, just us both. It was awkward. Sadly, it was awkward. But, I liked it. I liked it a little more than I should.

We met up again a few months later with the rest of our friends, and seeing him again felt nice. I tried to talk to him, I wanted us to be able to talk freely like before, but it felt different. I tried to text him, but sometimes he would respond, sometimes he wouldn’t. I started making excuses for him, thinking that he’s busy, that maybe, ridiculously, he’s upset at me for something. And then, I gave up. It was never going to be the same, ever. Maybe I’m just not that important to him.

I started to wonder why he means so much to me. And I don’t know. I don’t know why I can’t let this go. He’s someone whom I want to treasure, and someone whom I know I can rely on, and maybe even spend the rest of my life with. I just don’t know how to turn back time. Somehow his words “marry me” come back to haunt me often. Maybe, just maybe, we were meant to be at some point of time, but we lost it. Maybe we were too busy looking at other people, that we forgot about the one person right by our side. Maybe.

It’s her birthday today. A happy occasion. 9 years old. Everyone in her class was celebrating, but for another one of her classmates, whose birthday is today as well. This little boy who shared the same birthday as her was in a suit, pretty leather shoes, and a hat. Aloysius. He’s handsome. She thought to herself. Then she looked at herself. Old dress, torn shoes, dirtied hairband. But it’s okay, it alright, at least I’m alive. Then a couple came into the classroom. It’s his parents. Tears welled up in her eyes. She watched on, as the many well wishes and presents were given to the boy.

Finally the day ended. No one knew it was her birthday, and it was alright. She never celebrated her birthdays anyway. No one celebrated it for her after her mum left this world 4 years ago. Her mum died when she was 5…