The Facebook Parent: A Response

How to really help your troubled teen.

He sits on a lawn chair, his smoking cigarette dangles at his side, looks straight into the camera and speaks to us all.

“This is for my daughter Hannah and all her friends who think that her rebellious post on Facebook is cute.”

This father spent six hours and $130 fixing his daughter’s laptop only to discover her secret post on Facebook, cursing him out. [The following quote has been cleaned up for this family site.]

“To my parents: I am not your slave….It’s not my responsibility to clean up your garbage...You could just pay me for all the stuff I do around the house…I am tired of picking up after you…. I need to clean, do work around the house, chores, and school work. I’m tired of this garbage. I have no life.”

Dad takes a moment and then responds to his daughter’s obnoxious words.

“Pay you for chores? Seriously? We should pay you? Are you out of your mind? You are 15 years old. You want a new phone, iPod, stuff for your laptop? You’re too lazy. When I was your age I worked two jobs, went to school and was a volunteer fireman. You need to wake up in the morning and get to school. You don’t have that hard a life. But you’re about to. I’m so disappointed. And it’s all getting harder for you today. All the kids in school will see this. All the parents will get an idea. I want to put a stop to this right now.”

And with that, dad places the laptop on the ground and takes out his revolver.

“Here’s my 45,” he says and then shoots the laptop with his exploding bullets.

“Oh yeah. And you need to pay me back for these too. Hope you enjoyed your little fiasco on Facebook. Have a good day, ya’ll.”

How many times do we get back disrespect and an acid mouth?

I asked a few parents why they believe this video got so many views. Most said that this dad is really expressing it for all of us. How many times do we give and give only to get back disrespect and an acid mouth? What’s with the attitude?

Others said that the way this father handled his daughter’s discipline was out of bounds, and people could not believe the extreme he went to.

“Why not just give the laptop away to a teen that has none?” one mom asked. “Why the need to shoot and be violent? What exactly does he think he’s teaching his kid?”

I bet if I’d have the chance to interview Dad and Hannah, they would each have a very different story to tell. The only force I see uniting them is rage. They are so angry at each other, and usually hiding behind all this anger is an incredible amount of pain.

I don’t know how or when their pain began. But what I do know is that the wounds will continue to fester and create hurt and anger for many years to come. Maybe even forever.

Watching this video ignites within me a passion to speak to parents everywhere. Please, don’t allow your relationship with your child to reach this point of almost no return. (I say ‘almost’ because one prays that the bond between parent and child remains alive despite the pain.)

It is obvious that this father has tried to teach his daughter responsibility and good work ethics. But she has reacted in explosive animosity. Where did he go wrong? Here are three crucial steps the can prevent an escalation like this from happening.

Disciplining Without the Tzuris(aggravation, eating up your insides)

1. Build your relationship

Relationships don’t just happen. We need to work on bonding with our children. It is not enough to hand them responsibilities and high expectations. From the moment a child is born we are here to nourish and cultivate. Sing to your babies. Read to your toddlers. Play ball and ride bikes with your tweens. Find out what your teen loves to do-and then find the time to do it with him. Even if it’s not something you enjoy doing, just taking an interest means that it’s important to you because it’s important to me. That’s how we forge relationships. Once children learn to trust us and feel connected, it is easier for them to accept our ‘no’s. Especially if they don’t like what we have to say, they appreciate our love and do not want to disappoint us.

Remember that a child who feels wanted feels the warmth of love. Now that the love is felt, the discipline can be accepted. But when a child feels that a parent only cares about his own needs, his name, or what people will say, this child will purposely do the opposite.

2. Discipline without Shame

Taking your discipline onto Youtube for millions to see is the ultimate embarrassment. The only direction for this relationship to go now is below ground. It doesn’t matter if you are 100% right and your child is 100% wrong.

Never, ever, discipline through humiliation.

Never, ever, discipline through humiliation. Whether you are at your Shabbos table, in front of friends, eating in a restaurant, or at a family gathering-you need to take your discipline to a private place.

If you scream at your child or shame him in front of others, your message will be lost. He will be so furious at you, he will only think about his anger. He will refuse to hear your words. And you cannot make up for the trust broken by your disgracing him. You will find that the more you humiliate, the more brazen he will become.

If your goal is to teach character and good behavior, this road will only lead to failure. We must remember to always treat our children with dignity.

But sometimes it takes more than love and good thoughts. There are times that we are faced with a child who just pushes our button. It seems as if every day brings more explosive confrontation. Life becomes chaotic. This child refuses to connect. There are emotional head on collisions. Drama lurks behind every doorway.

You, the parent, feel drained. Now what?

3. Dos and Don’ts of Rebellious Kids

These are the children who seek power through misbehavior. They feel validated when they are noticed; negative attention makes them feel important. Too many rules frustrate them and are disregarded.

Antagonistic kids and parents who are very commanding clash. They don’t know how to work together and find solutions. They are too busy waging war. You will find that the more you demand, the more the child pushes back.

How can we reach this child and discipline effectively?

Don’t have hostile exchanges

Don’t give angry ultimatums

Don’t lecture, go on and on, and talk about "when I was your age”

Don’t use harsh tones

Do take time to listen

Do reflect your child’s words and emotions so that he sees that you hear him

Do speak calmly but firmly

Do find opportunities to bond and spend enjoyable time together

Do give clear and direct discipline

Hear your child. If he has something to say, don’t make him feel afraid to voice his ideas and thoughts; as long as he speaks respectfully. These children also enjoy leadership roles. If you can give this child some opportunities to shine, he will feel greater self-esteem and be more comfortable with himself. Also, keep in mind that when your child thinks that something was his own idea, he will want to make it happen. Real self-esteem is built when a child feels vital, necessary, and valued.

I ask all parents to take a few moments to sit down with your child and help him feel loved. Share your dream, your hopes, and your visions. Tell him how much you believe in him. Lift him up instead of digging a hole for him to fall into. He will reach for the stars.

And one day he will ask to sit down with you and thank you with all his heart.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Slovie Jungreis Wolff is a noted teacher, author, relationships and parenting lecturer. She is the leader of Hineni Couples and daughter of Rebbetzen Esther Jungreis. Slovie is the author of the parenting handbook, Raising A Child With Soul. She gives weekly classes and has lectured throughout the U.S.,Canada, Mexico, Panama, and South Africa. You can reach slovie at sloviehineni@gmail.com

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 35

(27)
Sara,
March 4, 2012 5:31 PM

I disagree with your assessment of the face book parent who put several bullets into his child computer. I have raised six kids in the manner you describe and more. When they become teens the story changes. They want to out smart you, they think they are just as grown as you are. Today with the Internet, TV, peer pressure, etc. they are hard to control.
My children were the same way, they didn't think they needed to do anything around the house although me and husband were working and trying to maintain everything. In your article you seem to be listing everything the parent should be doing and not the child. You didn't mention what to do if the child don't want to obey or listen. Kids are killing their parents!!
They join gangs, run a way from home if the parents don't bow to them. Girls are sometimes jealous of their mothers if they think they are not as beautiful, or are unable to get everything mom has. Even when you think you have raised what I call, Wall Street, college educated kids you later find they sometime can't cope. They become involved in so call "white collar" crime. Why do you think so many parents are putting their kids on drugs?
The parent is on drugs and the kids are on drugs because they both can't cope.
I don't know what world you live in, but things are not that simple and drawn out.

(26)
Jane,
March 2, 2012 9:31 AM

Parents are supposed to be adults and role models

When your teen starts throwing a tantrum and acting like a toddler, it's important that you act like an adult and provide a positive role model. The fact that the father acted just like the rebellious teen, did not set a good example.
He also did not talk and work out a solution to the problem, but resorted to humiliation and violence. His behavior suggested that when someone disrespects you, you should grab a gun.

(25)
Laya,
March 1, 2012 10:28 PM

that dad has a website

for more on the dad, he started a website because he didn't want to get this bigger and on national tv even though he was offered a lot of money. He does regret it. And I'd like to slam my son's computer against the wall so a little part of me loved seeing him shoot his daughter's computer. Of course he was being reactive and didn't have the benefit of Torah to guide him through the rough spots of parenting. Nice advice from the rebbitzin. :-)

(24)
Rafael,
February 29, 2012 10:40 PM

Redneck parenting!

Mrs. Jungreis-Wolff:
You piqued my curiosity, I watched the video, and all became clear.
Welcome to redneck country! I can imagine that you didn't come across too many of them in the Long Island community where your father was a rav. (Maybe a few geirim who'd gotten lost on the way to Laramie...)
A bit of background: A redneck house without a gun is like a Jewish house without a sefer. Note that the father reefers to is gone as a 45, implying that he has more at home. note also daddy spells out the type of bullets he uses. ditto ditto. note also that his wife seems to be of the same mindset.
A few more observations: First, he mentions offhandedly that he works in IT; he probably isn't dumb. He is obviously bothered by his daughter's posting, but he is in control of himself throughout. He obviously loves his daughter.
I found an article on this video which noted that after it went online, the local social services went to this house to check for abuse and found that everything was going on just fine.
To summarize, if he had reacted as you spelled out, he probably would have caused more damage to his daughter than by doing what he did. The reason why 30 million people watched this video is probably because it is the redneck equivalent of an emotional burp.

(23)
Susan Booker,
February 29, 2012 3:33 PM

friends

The parent/child reationship may not be the cause of this mans or daughters actions at all, here's why. My son, honor student in honor roll classes, went through a real rebels stage not long ago. It was like a light switch went off on day. We couldn't figure out what was going on and why he was refusing to the most basic chore, same ones he's done for years without question or why he started rolling the eyes and just being a little an overall sassy, mouthy boy, until speaking with one the parents in my sons school. Long story short, our son became friends with a very disrespectful child, as was put to us by the parents who's son was forbidded to have communications with this boy. After, limiting our sons contact with the other boy and praying over the situation, seems the friend was transfered to an alternative school for misbehaving kids. It took a few months of rebuilding and praying to get our child out of this rebelious stage. Now all is good, thanks Yahovah! So see, its not always the parent/child relationship it can be a bad friends influence.

(22)
Fabio,
February 29, 2012 3:19 PM

Distress.

First of all we must remind the fourth commandment:
"LOVE you father and your mother" This is the first law after our obligation to our Creator.We can not forget never,ever,that our parents were G-d's instruments to give us our lives.Thus we must pay respect to them and love them even if they are wrong. We never show them or treat them with anger or disrespect.We have to obey them and support them, Seems to me that the actual youngsters (all of those that came to life in the 70's and on)have different values and attitudes toward their parents.
Withh all respect I would like to tell to Slovi, the writer of this article, which I believe is well written,that she missed something very important:to give advice to all the youngsters,to know how to treat heir parents,to understand them to comprehemsive with them,not to be nasty with them,how to become friends with their parents and LOVE them.

Anonymous,
March 1, 2012 9:36 AM

commandment to honor parents

The commandment is to honor parents, not to love them.

(21)
Ann,
February 29, 2012 5:34 AM

Refelection

The kid is a reflection of her fathers attitudes. He is an angry, potentially violent and bullying man and the kid is reacting in kind. He has no loyalty to his kid and the kid has no loyalty back. You don't turn on family members, especially your own kids in public. It is shameful. You sow what you reap.

(20)
HouTexan,
February 29, 2012 3:21 AM

Very sad

When a father is reduced to stunts like this, his relationship with his daughter is close to being over. He's saying more than he understands about his parenting skills.

(19)
Stephen Lockwood,
February 27, 2012 5:33 PM

Dads Discipline

I believe this Dads response to his daughters rant WAS appropriate. 1) He showed her that he was a man of his word. If you review the video, he had warned his daughter that this would happen if she disrespected him AGAIN (as in, this had happened before). 2) Tough Love, is just that. He had warned her that if she disrespected him, his wife, and anybody else in the family there would be consequences. Too often parnets say, "If you don't stop I'll ...." and don't follow through. Yet he was showing her love in that she wouldn't be abused or physically threatened (anybody who feels that he was going to phycially harm her needs to review the ENTIRE video). 3) Look at the man, how he is dressed, the background of where he is liviing; guns are a part of his environment (Yes I am a proud gun owner). His daughter probably knows this and possibly has access to guns all the time. So this kind of disciplinary action is probably not surprising to her. Be aware, not everybody lives in New York City, or its close suburbs, and life out here in the boondocks is just a little bit freer!

Miriam,
February 28, 2012 5:26 PM

This was certainly tough

but it has nothing to do with love! Tough love is about disciplining for the child's benefit. This was about humiliating to let out the child's frustration.

Marcy,
February 29, 2012 5:16 PM

forget the gun

as long as he is not physically violent, a parents discipline is his own business. but as the article said- even if he was 100% right and his daughter ¡00% wrong- videoing it and taping it on youtube was WRONG WRONG WRONG

(18)
David,
February 27, 2012 2:28 PM

Mutual Respect

The daughters post and father's response suggest an absence of genuine long-term communication in which both parties thoughts and feelings are openly and honestly expressed

Alan S.,
March 2, 2012 10:25 AM

This simple commentby David is the smartest commentary on this issue. Redneck parenting or Long Island parenting can be different for sure, but we hope that the simple thought expressed here, that of mutual respect, knows no geographic or cultural boundaries.

(17)
Anonymous,
February 27, 2012 4:35 AM

Great Advice

Great insight and advice. Thank you for posting the article.

(16)
D'Dee,
February 27, 2012 1:21 AM

To parents

We as parents sometimes provoke our children to anger by our attitude when we speak to them.

(15)
Kim,
February 27, 2012 12:37 AM

When I first listened to this I went to the videos and there was a response from him on her reaction~he said she cried for 24 hours but since that they have worked things out and everything is much better, can't seem to find it now, otherwise I would leave the address. Apparently she had blocked what she wrote to family and friends but they also had their own facebook page for their dog and the Dad had taken a funny picture of the dog and went to put it on his facebook page and she had forgotten to block the dogs page so that is where he read it.

(14)
Rachel,
February 26, 2012 8:57 PM

Go for a drive

There was obviously a grave communication problem there. The fact that the daughter was willing to do everything that she did around the house, speaks of respect. Perhaps her father just missed some signals, misinterpreted the erstwhile daughter. And perhaps the daughter misunderstood what the father was trying to communicate. What a shame that the two weren't able to sit down together and have a normal conversation. Answering with anger is never a good solution though. You miss the point. You're better off taking a drive down a palm lined road and doing the double nickle. Or more, if you can. With the wind in your hair, it will bring a sense of peace. Then you can talk.

(13)
chanirosenberg,
February 26, 2012 8:41 PM

Sorry, I think way too many parents are completely unaware of what their teen is doing and thinking. I have been teaching in high school for almost 20 years, and hear what those kids say.The teens can and will fool their parents. Its way too easy. I am happy that this father took the effort to find out what his teen was really thinking. And dont kid yourselves, the teens are happy to have a "with it" parent. One that that calls out their wrong behavior despite the difficulty, and loves them enough to have the guts to do it.

Priscilla,
February 27, 2012 7:04 PM

He didn't go looking

The father wasn't looking for his daughter's FB page, he saw the post by accident. If trust and respect are the foundation of relationship, the child isn't going to express such rage "in secret" and the parent won't even consider such public humiliation. Believe me, I raise a daughter on my own, I know the battles, the tears, the panic. It was not I implemented a lot of the author's list of how to discipline effectively that ever made any headway. The dad's lack of respect caused him to go too far, period.

(12)
Anonymous,
February 26, 2012 8:00 PM

oversimplifications do not help

I think you are oversimplifying a complex problem and platitudes such as those you state do little to really help. Sure, in theory one should parent only with love and patience, but the reality of day to day life makes exchanges such as those you lay out a nearly impossible goal, especially in light of the age of entitlement and rampant materialism that we now live in.

(11)
Dvirah,
February 26, 2012 5:46 PM

Solutions

For over 30 years now, media and the general culture have been promoting violence as a solution for problems (remember the "A Team?"). Therefore, it is no wonder that this frustrated father chose a violent means of demonstrating his feelings.

(10)
L.S.,
February 26, 2012 4:56 PM

daughter's response

The daughter made 2 video responses on youtube and they are both very shocking. Her mother is not in her life at all and she feels outcast. It is clear from both of her videos that she is in a lot of emotional pain and that this is not a functional family. The father is right that the post was disrespectful but shooting the computer was over the top.

(9)
Norman,
February 26, 2012 4:01 PM

Perhaps his child should not be living in their house?

He is an embarrassment as a father. A home equates love and a house equates shelter. To bad the courts can't take a hard look at this situation. There is something terribly wrong with this family let's hope it has a positive change.

Jennifer,
February 26, 2012 7:51 PM

Oh please!

There is no need to do anything except let this family live out what it needs to deal with right now. The courts?? Give me a break. I have often wanted to take my son's computer and run over wiht our van and I still might, who knows? Just because people don't handle a situation the way you would, with your ideas about things, doesn't mean they are bad or need intervention. He is doing is job as a parent and taking control of the situation and while I agree that donating the computer may have been more sensible than shooting it up, it certainly sent the point home in a way that I am sure the daughter understood. Kids need to learn not to use the things we give them as weapons, like web cams, and I am sure she will remember this for the rest of her life and I don't mean becasue she was so traumatized, but because it taught her a valuable lesson.

Anonymous,
April 16, 2012 12:28 AM

I wish I could do that to my husband's computer

I wish I could put a bullet or two into my husband's computer or run it over. I know how that father and you feel about it.

(8)
Dovid HaLevi,
February 26, 2012 3:00 PM

Good and valid sentiments and advice, but ...

if our pal had simply chucked that laptop into the river, how many views do you think it would have gotten? Would this article have ever been written? Duh!
As soon as viral postings about some guy shooting his kid's laptop got around, more than just his 45 slugs exploded. EVERYONE had to watch it! This speaks louder than the frustrated father's failed discipline (... his daughter's or his?).

(7)
Hinda Leah,
February 26, 2012 2:43 PM

100% on the mark

can not disagree with anything that you said. sorry i missed you in st. louis. would love to email you privately. our teens today MUST acquire social iskills and life skills. these "gadgets" serve as anti-social devices. kids dont NEED to relate to one another anymore. they dont have to
talk to each other only text. it's very unhealthy as they can't forge relationships. so very sad for us all. daven, daven, daven and please continue to give parents the skills to cope with their children. thank you

(6)
Anonymous,
February 26, 2012 2:38 PM

Privacy

I must congratulate the young lady and her step mother, and father for the discipline instilled, because the list of chores that child has, on a daily basis, is not normal by today's standards.
The issue that bothers me is privacy. I know she is his child and she is a dependent, but I would not be going through my child's private files or drawers (room). Let it be that he "stumbled" upon this information. I don't think he had a right to read it. It was not meant for him. He had no idea who the audience was. He had no idea if the young lady was trying to impress anyone. At that age kids do say all kinds of things. If parents knew all the things that their kids said, and if parents took offense to everything, relationships might be a lot worse.

Anonymous,
February 26, 2012 5:38 PM

Privacy

I believe that some level of snooping is needed. Especially online. Sure this was an angry rant that shouldn't have been taken so personally. But, kids can get into bad situations through internet connection. Parents have to keep their kids safe and sometimes kids aren't open, so parents have to do what they can. It isn't comfortable, but if it means discovering that a child is into drugs or in an abusive relationship - I think we can agree that it was worth it.

(5)
Stephanie,
February 26, 2012 2:12 PM

You think they this happened because THEY are in pain?

I wholeheartedly disagree. We've reached a point with children that their self-esteem is more important that treating those who provide you with LIFE with respect. Was his behavior extreme? Nopt really. Have you watched MTV or any other garbage on TV lately? His behavior was exactly what hsi daughter was told was coming. She acted like a spoiled brat. Her father definitely contributed to her being a spoiled brat...and he chose to remedy his poor parenting choices. Want to act like a bratty fool? Where, here is what you get. Life is full of consequequences but with parents today making excuses for their kids, being helicopter parents and being more concerned with their kids self-esteem than with teaching them proper behavior, it's no wonder kids act the way they do.

(4)
Bklyn18,
February 26, 2012 2:07 PM

my earlier submission accidentally went without being completed

It is important to keep modeling ethical, rational & calm behavior, in spite of (or because of?) What your child sees in her other home. We who parent our children part time have our own special tsuris, but must nevr give up on our children and let them know we are here for them 24/7. Our hearts will still be broken by them when they become teens and think we know nothing, in spite of how much we obviously know.

(3)
Lisa,
February 26, 2012 1:51 PM

We all have "lost it" at one time or another!!

Cut him some slack...he's a Southerner (so am I)!! Yes, he went overboard. He is an example of what NOT to do. Sometimes , I too want to throw the laptop/iPad/cellphone/remote in the nearest body of water!! We must give our kids guidelines & rules with all these gadgets. But we, as parents also have to follow those guidelines too! Thank you Slovie for your suggestions...they seem very paractical.

(2)
Ginny,
February 26, 2012 1:17 PM

Role model

One thing that did not have enough emphasis is role-modeling. If a child sees how his parents work and act in the world, he is more likely to take that model into his world. I imagine that this child learned this behavior in watching the parents.

(1)
Anonymous,
February 26, 2012 9:22 AM

social networking and modern times

Great article! Would love to see more on social networking and the problems it creates in today's family. I'm seeing so many boundaries blurred and moral issues that are grey come from this supposedly "easier way of communication."

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!