Shoshy Raphael: I’ll go. Consider it a part of my penance.Iavi: How are you going to get him up there?Shoshy Raphael: By using my ring! Also, Baggy Satan.Baggy Satan: Not so sure that’s a good idea, guv’ner.Shoshy Raphael: Of course it is. Now get us to the top of that mountain of goo![Baggy Satan sighs and grabs Edwin Cloudstar and Shoshy Raphael. Edwin Cloudstar deflects the blasts as much as he can, until they reach the top of the beast.]Edwin Cloudstar: Here I go.[Edwin Cloudstar drops and sinks through the goo, still holding the bomb, and disappearing from sight. Shoshy Raphael and Baggy Satan fly to the top of the Coliseum of the Stupid to watch what happens.]Baggy Satan: Shouldn’t you be down there?Shoshy Raphael: No. I’ve done more than enough, and I refuse to die here today.Baggy Satan: What about all the other blokes?Shoshy Raphael: After this… thing is dead and gone I’ll scour the bodies to find the other rings. Then I’ll wear them all. It should grant me great power. I doubt even the Stupid could stand to face me.[An explosion takes place at the core of Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew, causing him to be blown to bits. Edwin Cloudstar walks out of the totally ruined stadium, not looking at the explosion behind him. While everyone’s eyes are on the explosion, Shoshy Raphael and Baggy Satan sneak to the back of the group. Edwin Cloudstar, Shoshy Raphael, and Baggy Satan reach the group.]Iavi: Good job, kid! Quick thinking. I don’t think there’s any way that thing can come back now.Xavier Malcolm: Yeah, unless he becomes an energy being or something. What are the chances of that, though?Baco: Really! The chances of such a thing happening are at least a million to one!Antwon: Two million to one, perhaps!Bukake: Look! Something emerges from the danger zone![All look to see a ghostly image of Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew‘s face floating over the stadium. It unleashes two crackles of energy, totally vaporizing the Coliseum of the Stupid and the Hippodrome of Lamp Prime.]Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew: I have become more than mortal! You have aided me to shed my fragile shell and now I exist as pure thought, pure energy! Taste my wrath![The Bear Machine,, its googly eyes shaking, begins shooting bears out with such ferocity that they fly at the energy.]Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew: There was once a time when I would grant you mercy, but that time is gone, lifetimes ago!Mike P: That was like an hour ago!Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew: No matter![Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew vaporizes the Bear Machine, and Purga the Demon-Thing.]Iavi: What the hell?Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew: He was plotting, as you all are! I will destroy each and everyone one of you!Iavi: Champions. Idea time.Mike P: He’s made of pure energy, right?Iavi: Yes, yes.Mike P: I absorb energy.Iavi: Yes![Fadeaway is vaporized.]Mike P: Only, it’s a passive thing. I need Shoshy Raphael to shoot me with his fire, and maybe Purple Lamp to shield me on the way up.Xavier Malcolm: Of cour —[Xavier Malcolm is cut off due to being vaporized, along with Baco and Antwon.]Owen Reilly: Okay![Bukake and Logan Keanu Solo are vaporized.]Iavi: Hurry, before we —[Iavi is vaporized, along with Xig.]Shoshy Raphael: Fly, you fool![Owen Reilly puts Shoshy Raphael and Mike P in one of his bubbles. As they fly up, Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew is too busy vaporizing Edwin Cloudstar, the Animajor, Baggy Satan, and Jihad Man to care much about them. They reach the top and Mike P flies into the heart of Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew.]Mike P: It’s… it’s all tingly!Shoshy Raphael: Are you ready?!Mike P: Do it![Shoshy Raphael begins blasting Mike P with fire, and as he absorbs the fire, he also absorbs the energy form of Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew. Mike P begins to pulsate with power.]Mike P: Keep it up! He’s almost done!Shoshy Raphael: I can’t! It’s burning my hand! I’ve never used it for so long before!Owen Reilly: I’ll help![Owen Reilly uses his lamp of power to insulate Shoshy Raphael’s hand from the fire. Soon, the energy form of Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew has almost completely dissipated.]Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew: You cannot destroy me! I will return, stronger than I was —[Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew is cut off by the last of his energy being channeled into Mike P. Shoshy Raphael lowers his hand.]Mike P: Purple Lamp! Make a funnel thing pointing at the sky![Owen Reilly does so, and Mike P shoots the energy through it. A faint “flargy margy dargy” can be heard being shot off into space.]Mike P: So we’re done?Shoshy Raphael: It would certainly appear that way.Owen Reilly: I’ll take us down.[The trio of champions land upon the bloody battlefield. Shoshy Raphael nudges a body with his foot.]Shoshy Raphael: It would appear we’re the only ones left alive.Owen Reilly: Hooray?Mike P: Sort of.[The Embodiments appear, and the champions tense up, despite being battle-weary and wounded.]Deity Guy: Calm down, calm down.Mike P: You sent Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew to try to kill us! It took all our powers to stop him!The Stupid: Yeah, you did us a favor, there.Shoshy Raphael: I’ll do you a favor after I find the other four rings, you vile creature![Shoshy Raphael bends down and picks up a charred hand.]Shoshy Raphael: No ring here!Lamp Prime: Really, guys. We’re not here to hurt you.Owen Reilly: Okay.[Owen Reilly sits down on the ground, legs crossed.]The Stupid: I’ll admit, that whole thing right there? It got a bit out of control towards the end there.Shoshy Raphael: Out of control? OUT OF CONTROL?! Everyone who came here is dead but the three of us! That’s not out of control, it’s genocide!Deity Guy: Nothing to worry about. Everything is balanced again now, so it’s all good.Mike P: Everyone is still dead.[In the realm between life and death, everyone has abandoned the line and begun milling around.]Barry, He Who is Death: All right. All right. God, there’s a lot of you. Okay, organize yourselves by age. Oldest first.[Brachiosaur stands defiantly at the back of the line, while Professor Nick stands at the front. After much conversation, everyone else just stands wherever.]Barry: Come on, there’s no way a dinosaur is older than a guy.Brachiosaur: Brachi!Barry: What?Wyandotte: He says he’s young at heart.Barry: I don’t want his heart, I want his soul. But whatever, don’t make my life any easier. Okay, what’s your name?Professor Nick: Professor Nick!Barry: Last name?[Professor Nick looks at him, befuddled.]Professor Nick: Nick?Barry: So your first name is Professor?Professor Nick: Oh, heavens no! That would be silly.Barry: So what is your first name?Professor Nick: Nick![Barry sighs and looks at the crowd, noticing several people who continually give him trouble such as Leo Leopolous and Mister Frink.]Barry: Are any of you not going to give me trouble with this?[There is a murmur of answers, all negative. Barry face-palms.]Barry: Okay. Okay. Let’s start with someone whose name doesn’t sound like a cartoon character. Steve Chaccierone. Why does that name sound so familiar?Steve the Chach: Dude!Barry: Oh god. Not one of you guys.Steve the Chach: Jon! J-Horn! Jay Jay! Look who it is! Tall skinny guy! All right!Jonathan Hortenz: Steve, that’s death.Steve the Chach: Wait, so you’re dead?Jonathan Hortenz: We’re all dead.Steve the Chach: Dude. Duuuuuuuuuude. Dude. Wait, wait. Remember that other time we met? At that party?Barry: Unfortunately.Steve the Chach: We can do Animaniacs!Barry: Be quiet about that!Elvin Clovar: Wait, I think I know the episode he’s referring to!Player One: Let us do Animaniacs!Steve the Chach: Yeah! We can challenge you![The crowd begins chanting “Animaniacs” and shouting about the Animaniacs rule. Barry sighs.]Barry: Fine. I need you all to think of a number between one and ten.Professor Nick: Thirty-seven!Brachiosaur: Brachi!Graves: Go to hell!Elvin Clovar: Negative six!Metallic Spheroid: Pi![Barry looks blankly at the crowd, a feat easily accomplished since he has no eyes.]Barry: What? You’re just a shape. No, no. Whatever. Oh hey, look at that. You all beat me. You all get to live.[As everyone pops back to the world of the living, three more arrive. Captain Zimball and Diamond Destiny, now fully clothed and holding hands, look around nervously. The Righteous Smidgen feels his throat.]Barry: Oh, come on! Where the hell did you three come from?[Diamond Destiny looks Barry over and immediately drops Captain Zimball’s hand, sidling up to Barry and rubbing her hand over his sleeve. As she does so, she becomes horrified as she realizes only bone is underneath.]Barry: Stop that, okay? Weren’t you three killed by Baggy Jesus whatever-his-face?Righteous Smidgen: No. It was Agent Villain.Barry: Really? You trusted someone with that name not to kill you. It’s your own fault. Please stop touching me, ma’am. I don’t even have any organs.[Diamond Destiny stops touching Barry and pouts her way over to Captain Zimball. He puts his hand on her shoulder and she brushes it off.]Barry: Anyway, I just let everyone else who died who wasn’t a time-clone pop back to the world of the living after they challenged me. You want to challenge me, or do you just want to go to the Afterlife?Righteous Smidgen: I think I’d rather live.Captain Zimball: I got things I need to do.Diamond Destiny: Let us live and I’ll give you your wallet back.[Diamond Destiny holds up a wallet, and Barry touches his pocket where his wallet, certainly, is not. Barry sighs, snaps his fingers, and his wallet is back in his pocket. He points to each of the dead in turn.]Barry: Biff. Zam. Pow. See you jerks later.[Back in the realm of the living, everyone suddenly pops back to life as if nothing ever happened.]Deity Guy: See? No one is dead!Mike P: But… what… how?Lamp Prime: I’m feeling sort of down again… Mister Lucky is still dead.[However, out of the shadows steps a familiar figure.]Mister Lucky: Did someone say Mister Lucky?[Elsewhere in the area, DoctorDerangemo teleports in, hurriedly brushing sandwich crumbs off his labcoat. Agent Villain slinks in next to the remaining agents of ZODIAC.]Mister Lucky: I was never dead! It was a clone!Shoshy Raphael: You inconsiderate fool! If you had just come clean about being alive, all of this could have probably been avoided!Mister Lucky: I needed to make sure Agent Villain and the Stupid weren’t up to no good.The Animajor: Did you find the Righteous Smidgen?Righteous Smidgen: They did! I guess the Stupid was, in fact, evil. You leave and you learn!Lamp Prime: You sure do![Everyone starts laughing heartily, save Mike P and Shoshy Raphael, who stare at the Embodiments and everyone else, who seem to not care that all the hardships experienced over the past few hours — indeed, the past few weeks — could have been avoided if one man hadn’t faked his death, and if another man had the good sense to realize that a being called the Stupid was, in fact, malevolent.]Shoshy Raphael: Really! What the bloody hell is this?Mike P: Seriously!Deity Guy: Okay, okay. Calm down. We have prizes for you three, and one more for the guy who’s the grand winner of this whole thing!The Stupid: First, Shoshy Raphael! If you really want to be the Embodiment of Evil, why not?Shoshy Raphael: Truly?The Stupid: Nope! You get this gold medallion! If you peel off the gold and look inside, look! It’s chocolate![Shoshy Raphael takes the chocolate, nibbles on it, and frowns.]Shoshy Raphael: Oh. Goodie.Deity Guy: Next, Mike P. We figured it was only fair for you to get a new resort.Mike P: Really? Maybe I was wrong —Deity Guy: Then we decided, nah! Why should we do that? Instead, here’s a gold medallion! If you peel the gold off this one, it’s chocolate![Mike P takes the chocolate and bites off a piece and chews. He scowls at the Embodiments.]Mike P: Gee. Thanks.Deity Guy: Is it good?Mike P:[angrily] It’s delicious.Lamp Prime: Finally, for Owen Reilly, here’s a gold medallion!Owen Reilly: Oh boy! Is it chocolate?Lamp Prime: It sure is!Owen Reilly: ALL RIGHT!Deity Guy: Now, for the final ultra-special prize. Mike P, you’re the ultra-winner since they kept going with your plans.Mike P: Hooray. I won this thing last year and you didn’t give me what I wanted.Deity Guy: Well, this year, you’re going to get a brand new resort on that island with all the heads!Mike P: Oh. Thanks. Now I feel bad for conning JJ into being willing to foot the bill.Deity Guy: As well you should! Congratulations! Now then, we hope everyone had a good time here this year, we’ll see you back next year for another tournament!Iavi: Wait, that’s it? Everything’s all hunky-dory and everyone is friends again?Lamp Prime: Pretty much.Iavi: All right.Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew: Toodles, everyone![Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew begins dancing a jig, and everyone claps and laughs. Mike P and Shoshy Raphael look in in disbelief, but as the now benign and diminutive bear continues, they both shrug and allow themselves to smile. As Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew dances, various beings are transported back to their homes.]

Deity Guy: Oh man, I would love to see the look on Lamp Prime’s face when he finds out my guys killed his guys.Metallic Spheroid: Isn’t that a bit… evil?Deity Guy: No, no. Keeping things balanced. It’s my job.Metallic Spheroid: What happened to the drill sergeant bit?Deity Guy: I’m not sending you on a mission.Metallic Spheroid: Thank goodness. Say, isn’t this all a bit chaotic?Deity Guy: How do you mean?Metallic Spheroid: Look at those… gentlemen.[Metallic Spheroid somehow gestures to Danger Force.]Metallic Spheroid: Everything they touch just erupts in violence. That one? The thin one? He punched out Pikapunk because the poor creature brought him a rum and coke with ice in it!Deity Guy: That’s bad-ass.Metallic Spheroid: No! It’s pure chaos!Deity Guy: Sure. Sure. Like there’s an embodiment of chaos who wants me and the other three to kill each other. Yeah, sure.Solana: I couldn’t help but overhear your last statement.Deity Guy: Where’s your arm candy?Solana: What?Deity Guy: Land Captain.Solana: He’s not arm candy. He’s just a friend, okay? Anyway, there is an embodiment of chaos, and he IS gunning for you.Deity Guy: Oh. Oh no. He’s a lower-case “E” embodiment, right?Solana: What?Deity Guy: The three Embodiments here, we’re upper-case. Really powerful and all that. This Chaos guy… is he a lower-case “E”? He must be. Still, this is probably something to worry about.Solana: Probably.[The Thrifty Scouts are sitting around the Hippodrome, chatting about rich boys they’d like to marry and holy objects they‘d like to desecrate. Baco is lusting over them while Logan Keanu Solo sits by and stares at the wall on the opposite side, gritting his teeth.]Logan Keanu Solo: Listen, I’m sorry for whatever I might have done back there.Baco: As well you should be! Such lovely ladies should remain unmolested! At least, like that.[Baco waggles his eyebrows, causing Logan Keanu Solo to flinch back in horror.]Thrifty Scout Asgard: I’m sooooooooooooooo —[The “so” is drawn out to proportions which are, initially, comically long but loop around to terribly annoying — and then loop back again several times. Twelve minutes pass.]Thrifty Scout Asgard: — oooo bored!Thrifty Scout Vili: You said it. I wish something would happen. Preferably something which does not induce boredom.Baco: I’d be glad to… entertain you, ladies.Logan Keanu Solo: Would you stop it?Baco: I’m just being friendly.Logan Keanu Solo: Too friendly. You’re being friendlier than a pedophile —[Logan Keanu Solo is cut short by an explosion, taking part of the wall with it. Everyone in the Hippodrome turns in horror to see three dark figures, eyes seeming to glow with malevolence, standing a short distance from the Hippodrome. As the smoke clears, Baco narrows his eyes, then opens them with a shock.]Baco: Mike P? Ethan? And, er, some Hispanic guy?Mike P: We’ve come for THEM![Lamp Prime moves into position between the Hippodrome and the newcomers.]Lamp Prime: No! I have to protect my champions! I’m surprised at you, though. Jerald has had nothing but good things to say about you, Mike P. As for you, Crane, he’s just said you’re not as bad as a vampire could be. And you, uh, hispanic guy…I don’t know what your deal is.Ethan Crane: Calm down! We’re just here to play a game with the Thrifty Scouts. A dea —[Ethan Crane is cut off by Mike P covering his mouth with his hand.]Lamp Prime: What sort of game?Mike P: An RPG![Player One looks up from the thing he’s building, which appears to be a bunch of pieces of wood nailed together with no discernable form or function.]Player One: An RPG?! Can I play?Mike P: No! Only the Thrifty Scouts. It’s… a gesture of good-will. Yes. That’s it.Thrifty Scout Asgard: I don’t know… what do you think, Vili? Since you’re so smart, we’ll go with what you decide![Thrifty Scout Vili narrows her eyes to slits and stares at the three. Though she swears she has seen them before, and though she sees what may be automatic weapons strapped to their backs, she can discern no real threat.]Thrifty Scout Vili: Okay!Thrifty Scout Asgard: Okay, villainous monsters, we’ll play with you!Lamp Prime: I’m not okay with this.[Jerald flies up on his magic disc.]Jerald: I’ll go along and keep an eye on them.Lamp Prime: I suppose if you’re there it should be all right.Thrifty Scout Asgard: Kawaii! Let’s play![Jerald and the Thrifty Scouts leave the safety of the Hippodrome. As they leave, the wall seals up behind them.]Jerald: Tensions are high right now, you two. Or three. Who are you?Monster Manuel: I am Monster Manuel.Jerald: All right. If you three try anything, I won’t hesistate to break out some magic on your hindershins. Understood?Ethan Crane: You’ll have to speak up, gnome. I’m afraid I can’t here you up there on your high horse.Mike P: Seriously. We’re just playing a friendly game, Jerald.Ethan Crane: A deadly game!Mike P: Deadly fun, he means![Jerald furrows his brow, but decides to let the activities proceed.]Ethan Crane: Me first! I’ve already taken the liberty of making character sheets for the lot of you! We’ll be playing “Vampire: The Masquerade”!Elvin Clovar: White Wolf discontinued that game years ago. It’s all about “Vampire: The Requiem” now.[All eyes turn to Elvin Clovar, who is sitting to the side in a lawn chair with a tall glass of Mountain Dew. Ethan Crane lunges at him, pushes him off his chair, and begins savagely beating him with his cane.]Jerald: Oh, for gods’ sake! Ethan, stop it! You’re killing him![Ethan Crane turns to Jerald, eyes blood-red, and he hits Elvin Clovar with his cane one last time.]Ethan Crane: That’s the general idea![Ethan Crane walks away from the bloody mess that is Elvin Clovar. Elvin Clovar weakly raises his hand.]Elvin Clovar: It’s cool if you want to play Masquerade, though. Nothing wrong with Masquerade.Ethan Crane: As I was saying, we’re playing the thing he said! Here are your character sheets![All of the character sheets are the same, with the Attributes filled in as little as possible and random Abilities listed. Nothing else is completed, save the names, which are all insults towards the Thrifty Scouts. He hands them to each one, and each Thrifty Scout looks at their sheet with nothing but the utmost confusion.]Thrifty Scout Einherjar:[lifting the paper and looking under it] Where’s the Sega?Ethan Crane: This is no game, harlot! Now roll to see if you die!Thrifty Scout Einherjar: Why would I die? Did I owe someone money and refused to pay, so they sent a hitman after —Ethan Crane: Just roll![Thrifty Scout Einherjar takes several d10 and rolls them. Ethan Crane snatches them up before she’s able to see the numbers, and then hits her in the side of her head with his cane, knocking her to the ground. All the Thrifty Scouts gasp.]Elvin Clovar:[between heaving breaths] So… you’re… LARPing…Ethan Crane: Oh, no you don’t! [Ethan Crane kicks Elvin Clovar a few times, and hits him with his cane a dozen more. He stops breathing, while Ethan Crane breaths heavily and smiles. Jerald sighs and flies over to minister to Elvin Clovar.]Thrifty Scout Asgard: I’m getting a bad feeling about this, guys. I think this might be a trap.Thrifty Scout Vili: I sense no ill-intent.Thrifty Scout Freya:[slowly unbuttoning her top and slinking over to Ethan Crane] Mmm, he can trap me anytime.[Thrifty Scout Freya slides off her sailor top, exposing her naked breasts to Ethan Crane. She taps Ethan on the shoulder and hugs him tightly when he turns around, much to his dismay. Ethan Crane quickly transforms into a red mist, floats a few feet away, and rematerializes in the form of a man once again.]Ethan Crane: I swear, you will be the first I kill![Ethan Crane then transforms into a red wolf, his yellow eyes glinting in the displaced moonlight. He lunges at Thrifty Scout Freya, swiping at her face with his claws and snapping at her throat with his powerful jaws. After causing a few lacerations and more than one frenzied scream from Thrifty Scout Freya, Ethan Crane: once again transforms into the form of a man and licks his bloodstained lips. Thrifty Scout Freya falls to the ground, having fainted from fright.]Thrifty Scout Fenris:[turning to Thrifty Scout Asgard] You might be right for once. But I think we can beat these bastards at their own game!Mike P: Oh yeah? It’s my turn! Here are your sheets![The first two sheets have some effort put into them, but the remaining three sheets are identical save for the names, which, once again, are insults. Mike P puts Thrifty Scout Freya’s over her bleeding and swollen face.]Mike P: Roll initiative![Thrifty Scout Fenris takes the proffered d20 and rolls it. She rolls a 12, but a look at her sheet reveals that her initiative is -8. Mike P takes it an rolls a 12 as well.]Mike P: Looks like my monster goes first! Monster Manuel?[Monster Manuel nods and pulls out his magic dice, rolling them on the ground. They settle, and he turns into a mule. He brays and begins to graze. Mike P looks upon his monster, crestfallen.]Mike P: I guess it’s your turn.[Thrifty Scout Fenris takes the d20, weighs it thoughfully, then uses it as a projectile against Monster Manuel. With a final bray, he turns back into his default form.]Thrifty Scout Asgard: When do we start the Nintendo? I want to do the limit breaks!Thrifty Scout Einherjar: That’s what I said! What’s my MP?Ethan Crane: It’s not that sort of RPG, dummies! [to Thrifty Scout Freya, who just woke up] You, roll the dice![Thrifty Scout Freya shakes her head to clear the cobwebs and stands up, her chest still very much uncovered.]Thrifty Scout Freya: I roll to try and seduce the cute vampire! Tee-hee![Ethan Crane grabs the dice before they can hit the ground, then uses his cane to sweep Thrifty Scout Freya’s legs. She falls to the ground as he cane slams into the backs of her knees.]Thrifty Scout Vili: Oh, my! It appears that Freya has a crush on the werewolf!Mike P:[pretending he didn’t just hear that remark] My turn! Roll![Thrifty Scout Fenris retrieves and rolls the d20, rolling a 4. Mike P rolls a 12 again, and Monster Manuel rolls his dice and turns into an ogre. He steps forward with a bellow, grabs Thrifty Scout Fenris by the head and slams her into the ground several times, then tosses her against Thrifty Scout Einherjar who is knocked aside with a gasp.]Mike P: Attacks of opportunity, *****!Jerald: Mike P! Language!Mike P: Nyah.Ethan Crane: My turn!Thrifty Scout Asgard: No! I want to play on a Sega!Mike P: For the love of… it’s not that kind of RPG!Thrifty Scout Asgard: It’s the kind of RPG I say it is! SUPER THRIFTY SCOUT TRANSFORMATION![One by one, the Thrifty Scouts (including those who are injured) do elaborate dances and end up in their super-powerful Super Thrifty Scout costumes. Thrifty Scout Asgard, now in super-form, rolls the d20.]Thrifty Scout Asgard: Limit… breaaaak… of LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!!!Ethan Crane: What?Mike P: It’s not that kind of RPG, you stupid cow![Despite this, Thrifty Scout Asgard unleashes a barrage of pink energy at Monster Manuel, who changes back into his normal form. He then looks at the super-powered teenage girls and runs back towards the Megadome.]Mike P: Coward!Ethan Crane: You want some sort of stupid RPG battle? Then that’s what you’ll get![As Ethan Crane pushes the stolen blood through his withered veins, his eyes flash with unholy fire born from his undead state. His coat morphs, sprouting red bat wings. His fangs grow to exaggerated proportions, extending his jaw like the maw of some rabid, hungry canine. Small horns grow from the front of his head, and his fingernails extend into sharp talons. Ethan Crane lets out a guttural roar as the transformation is complete.]Thrifty Scout Freya: Mmm. I wonder what else grew.Mike P:[slightly panicked] Er, I can’t transform into anything![Thrifty Scout Fenris shoots Mike P with an energy blast. He absorbs it, then shoots it back at her.]Mike P: I can do that, though. Okay, we’re in business!Jerald: Mike P! Ethan! Stop this at once!Thrifty Scout Einherjar: Someone restore my HP!Thrifty Scout Vili: How do I navigate the menus?Thrifty Scout Freya: Is there a nude cheat? [looking down at her naked chest] Oh. Nevermind.[Ethan Crane and Mike P stand in a line across from the Thrifty Scouts, who are doing the same. However, before they can begin their RPG battle, a portal opens above them.]Ethan Crane: What the blazes?Mike P: It can’t be. That’s an A-Hole hole![There is snickering all around.]Mike P: Oh, grow up. This could be serious. The last time I saw the thing Purga was breaking reality with it.[However, what falls from the portal is some sort of weird hybrid animal. It is equal parts otter, penguin, pillbug, turtle, pirahna, hyena, raptor, wasp, salamander, and lamprey. The result is a small and stout furry four-legged creature with the shell of a turtle and a beak upon its otter-like head and neck. Two of these legs end in ferocious talons, while the others are more flipper-like in appearance. It rolls into a ball as it approaches the ground, bounces harmlessly a few times, and unrolls. Its tail drags behind it harmlessly. As it yawns, a lamprey-type proboscis pokes out of its mouth. Whether this is its tongue or some sort of parasite or symbiote is unknown. Everyone stares at it, but only Mike P’s eyes shine with the knowledge of recognition.]Mike P: It’s the Kzagnox!Ethan Crane: The what?Mike P: I met the little guy when I was body-hopping way back when. I shoved him into an A-Hole hole and I guess this is where he popped out! Come here, little guy![The Kzagnox looks over at Mike P, its beady black eyes showing no emotion. However, it appears to hop happily towards him and into his arms.]Mike P: Who’s a good little Kzagnox? Who’s a good little guy?[The creature licks him, this time its tongue a more normal appendage.]Thrifty Scout Fenris: Not that this isn’t touching and all — because it isn‘t, but could we get on with the fight?Mike P: Those mean people want to hurt me and my friends, little Kzagnox.[The Kzagnox betrays no emotion, but wiggles out of Mike P’s arms and moves towards the Thrifty Scouts, utilizing a bizarre hopping walk. It looks up at the Thrifty Scouts.]Thrifty Scout Asgard: Aww, it’s cute… in a horrifying sort of way.Jerald: Why did you send it away?Mike P: The people I was traveling with considered it to be a danger to everyone around it.Ethan Crane: That little thing? You can’t be serious![Suddenly, previously unseen wasp-like wings spread from the Kzagnox’s shell and it slowly takes to the air, its previously harmless tail solidifying to a point. It darts back and forth, baring a beak full of teeth.]Elvin Clovar: That creature — what is it?Mike P: I don’t know.Ethan Crane: It’s… almost Lovecraftian.Mike P: I guess so.[The Kzagnox flies at Thrifty Scout Einherjar, talons and stinger pointed straight at her. It stabs her and slashes at her, then uses its lamprey-like tongue to attach to her neck and batter her with its flippers. Thrifty Scout Einherjar screams and tries to tear the creature from her, though the Kzagnox takes a piece of her flesh with it. It spits it out, scowling at the taste, and hisses at the remaining Thrifty Scouts, seeming to glow with violent energy. Mike P’s eyes grow wide.]Mike P: Ethan. Jerald. Elvin. If you value your lives, find cover!Ethan Crane: Why would we do —[The Kzagnox lets out a sound that nothing living or dead should ever make, and it launches itself at Thrifty Scout Einherjar once again, moving so fast that it is merely a blur. A minute passes, and Thrifty Scout Einherjar is nothing but a mass of broken bones and flesh. She falls to the ground with nary a sound. Rather than relishing its victory, the Kzagnox launches itself at the next Thrifty Scout. Jerald, Elvin Clovar, and Ethan Crane all heed Mike P’s warning and duck behind some convienent rocks. The screams of the Thrifty Scouts can still be clearly heard, and every so often, one of them grimaces. At one point, Ethan Crane tries to peek over the rocks, but he is pulled down by Jerald and Elvin Clovar, much to his chagrin. Eventually, the screaming stops.]Mike P: I think it’s over. I’ll go look.Jerald: No! It’s too dangerous!Mike P: He knows me. He may even like me. Let me go see.Ethan Crane: Be careful, provider of my cable.Mike P: Your concern is touching.[Mike P stands up and walks away. He returns a few moments later with the Kzagnox in his arms. It is covered in blood. Mike P is smiling.]Mike P: The little guy is all smiles now![Despite Mike P’s claims, the Kzagnox betrays absolutely no emotion.]
strong>Jerald: What about the Thrifty Scouts? I did give my word that they wouldn’t be harmed.Mike P: You had no way of knowing my little alibi would pop out of nowhere!Jerald: I suppose, but you didn’t answer my question.Mike P: Just go see for yourself.[Jerald, Elvin Clovar, and Ethan Crane walk out from behind the rocks to see five bloody skeletons, several of them scattered with bones gnawed and bits of costume hanging from them. Elvin Clovar goes to the side and vomits, while Ethan Crane claps and dances a little jig, celebrating his enemies’ demise.]Jerald: I think I had better tell Lamp Prime about this. Keep the Kzagnox under control. It could be dangerous in the wrong hands. Or any hands, really.Mike P: I will!Elvin Clovar:[Wiping his mouth] Wasn’t this your match?Ethan Crane: It was, it was, and what a glorious match it was! Dead, dead, all dead!Elvin Clovar: Well, who wins? And I really doubt they’re dead forever. You’ve never seen the show, obviously.[In the space between seconds, Ethan Crane has Elvin Clovar up against the wall of the Hippodrome. The fact that this should be physically impossible doesn’t even enter the equation.]Ethan Crane: I’ve forgotten more about the Thrifty Scouts than you’ll ever know, fatty, all for the cause! If you want to play who has a bigger knowledge, be my guest, but in this area you’ll always lose!Elvin Clovar: Y-yes, sir.[Ethan Crane drops him on the ground, and as Elvin Clovar struggles to stand up and catch his breath, Ethan Crane smiles happily.]Ethan Crane: He does have a point! I’d say we both win, considering they’re all dead for at least a while!Mike P: I don’t think that would fly with Deity Guy. Wanna rock-paper-scissors for it?Ethan Crane: But of course![Ethan Crane and Mike P hold out their hands, shake them three times, and choose. Ethan chooses rock, and Mike P chooses paper — mostly because he has no real hands and, therefore, no real choice in the matter.]Ethan Crane: Hm, so I’ve lost. It is a pyrrhic loss, however, and nothing can ruin my mood![The pair jump into the air, mimicking a high-five, and the Kzagnox hops off to do whatever it is it does. As Mike P and Ethan Crane are in the air, a train comes out of nowhere and smashes into the wall of the Coliseum. The pair immediately return to the ground and look towards the burning wreckage, along with Elvin Clovar.]

[Jonathan Hortenz, Steve the Chach, the Camel, and Kareem slowly approach the walls of the Coliseum of The Stupid, now in the process of being converted into a fortress. As they near the ventilation shaft, Kareem stops.]Kareem: Mister Chach, Mister Hortenz, I’m awfully sorry, but Mister Camel and I can’t go any further.Steve the Chach: Why, little dude? It’ll be totally sweet. Just like Halo.Kareem: I can’t shoot someone. I won’t shoot someone, no matter how bad they might be.Jonathan Hortenz:[staring off into space] He’s right, you know. People like us, we’re not made for fighting. The killer instinct just isn’t in us. Leave the fighting to the soldiers, and — hey, where’d Steve and your Camel go?Kareem: Into the shaft.[Meanwhile, back at the Megadome of Deity Guy…]Metallic Spheroid: The others have been gone for an awfully long time.Deity Guy: Which others?Metallic Spheroid: Hortenz, Chacciorone, Kareem, and that horrible camel.Deity Guy: Oh. That’s right. I sent them out. I’m sure they’re fine. I armed them to the teeth. Literally, in the camel’s case.Metallic Spheroid: Still, the champions of the Stupid are filled with evil. What if they run into the Pyramids? Or any of the other villains? I’m honestly not sure who’s over there. I haven’t been keeping track.[Deity Guy attempts to cock his eyebrow, failing since he has no eyebrow. He scowls instead.]Deity Guy: Aren’t they in the program?Metallic Spheroid: Reading’s for cubes.Deity Guy: You mean squares?Metallic Spheroid: No. Cubes. That’s what he said when he took my program, and now he won’t give it back.[Through the shaft and high above the Coliseum, Steve the Chach and the Camel fire upon the villains below.]Steve the Chach: Dude, you totally rock. You should paintball with me and my frat brothers we get back, bra.Camel: MRAH RAH RAH RAH![Below, the villains run back and forth, attempting to grab hold of whatever weapons they can before said weapons are blown up by one of the Camel’s rocket-propelled grenades. Steve the Chach, meanwhile, throws a Molotov at the stash he feels is most important: the kegs of alcohol. Instantly, the dried wooden barrels catch fire and it doesn’t take long before they explode, launching Disco, the Amazing Rando, and other villains into the air and dropping them onto still other villains, wounding them all in the process. In the center of the arena, a pillar of black smoke produces the Stupid, who is now almost exclusively covered in flames.]The Stupid: Who dares to defile my Coliseum?!Steve the Chach:[to the Camel] Looks like time’s up, dude. Let’s bolt.[Both Steve the Chach and the Camel slide down and crawl out of the ventilation shaft and meet up with the others. Jonathan Hortenz sighs and looks at Steve the Chach disapprovingly.]Jonathan Hortenz: Have fun hurting others?Steve the Chach: Did I! It was better than Rambo, dude.Jonathan Hortenz: Like THAT would be hard to achieve.Kareem: We should get back now, fellas.[Both teams make their way back to the Megadome as the Stupid: and Red Scare approach the ventilation shaft.]Red Scare: They must have entered through the ductwork.The Stupid: Of course they did, idiot. It’s the only way in! Where’s Agent Villain when I need him?Red Scare: He’s been missing since after his event, sir.The Stupid: Well, find him! He couldn’t have gone far, as there’s no place to go around here!Red Scare: We’re searching the grounds for him right now, and have been since the attack began. In the meantime, shall we plug up this hole in our defenses?The Stupid: What? Are you insane? And risk the Coliseum getting stuffy? No, no, no. The ventilation shaft stays.Red Scare: But what if —The Stupid: There won’t be. We’ll put a marksman in the air with an energy rifle. That’ll discourage anyone else from getting any bright ideas. As for the duct, cover it up with a hologram. [floating away from Red Scare, a trail of fire following behind him] And find me Agent Villain![Back at the Megadome, Deity Guy shares a drink with Steve the Chach and the Camel. Kareem and Jonathan Hortenz are sulking in the corner.]Deity Guy: You blew up his liquor? Oh, that’s priceless!Steve the Chach: Totally, bra. I was sad about it, but, hey, don’t be a dick, right?Deity Guy: Right. And the Camel really blew up all the weapons?Camel: MRAH RAH RAH RAH!!Deity Guy: Ha, I’ll bet The Stupid is pretty angry right now. Good job, soldiers. Though you had to deal with deserters who wussed out at the last minute, you both did a fine job at causing mayhem. You’re both winners in my eyes, really. But, since I have to pick one, I’ve gotta say that if someone lit up my booze, I’d be pretty upset. So, Team Hortenz, you move onto the next round.Steve the Chach: Tits, dude. Tits.[Steve the Chach clanks his can of Jaeger against Deity Guy’s McTommo’s Vodka Martini.]

[Once again, the crowd is gathered. The champions of Deity Guy and Lamp Prime are mildly intermingled, but there is a clear divide between them and the champions of the Stupid. The skies open up and the three Embodiments descend from the heavens. Lamp Prime drops like a rock, crashing through the stage. Moments later, he levitates out of it. He is dusty, dim, and tarnished. Deity Guy drunkenly weaves back and forth through the air, crashing into the back of the stage. He has a full beard now, scraggly and unkempt, and his single eye is bloodshot. As soon as he pulls himself from the wreckage, he manifests a bottle of hard liquor and begins drinking it. The Stupid, meanwhile, descends gracefully, taking pot-shots at the champions of Deity Guy and Lamp Prime and laughing all the while. He succeeds in maiming a few of them, but for the most part remains harmless. The three Embodiments rest upon the stage and Deity Guy turns to the crowd.]Deity Guy: Yeah, well, you know the drill. Don’t think anyone else is dead. Only a few rounds left. Like eight?The Stupid: Two rounds and the final, which has been planned for. Oh yes, plans have been made![The Stupid begins laughing maniacally. Deity Guy and Lamp Prime pay this no mind, but several champions of Good and Neutrality look at him nervously.]Deity Guy: Anyway, there’s a bunch of stuff in your programs now. You know.Lamp Prime: I have to ask that my remaining champions go get fitted for safety armor. It’s made from excessive padding, so you don’t get hurt during the final events — which I think may include things like “macramé” and “stamp collecting”.The Stupid: My champions must get fitted for extra-kill armor, as your final events will involve killing the other champions!Deity Guy: That’s not cool, both of you. Anyway, my guys, report for some sort of armor, too. And drinks. In fact, forget the armor.Lamp Prime: Please don’t mess with my events, The Stupid.The Stupid: I’ll do what I damn well please!Deity Guy: Yeah, besides, it’s not like you have room to talk, Lampy, having your Thrifty Scouts mess up my event.Lamp Prime: I didn’t mean to —Deity Guy: I don’t care what you meant to do. Poor Land Captain might have won if your stupid heroes didn’t show up. Totally unfair.The Stupid: You tell him!Deity Guy: You shut up, too! You’re nearly as bad as he is! In fact, from this point forward, none of my champions are allowed to even talk with any of the other champions!The Stupid: Fine! Mine too!Lamp Prime: That’s a good idea. That way, none of them can get hurt.The Stupid: Blah blah blah. You know why my guys aren’t going to talk to yours? Because I’m declaring war upon the both of you![Deity Guy’s bloodshot eye grows wide, and Lamp Prime’s bulb becomes bright.]Lamp Prime: What?Deity Guy: You know how serious that is, right?The Stupid: Of course I know, and I know that my next events will be the first steps towards total war! Prepare yourselves![The Stupid vanishes in a puff of smoke.]Lamp Prime: I have to go and keep my champions safe. Will you be my ally in this?Deity Guy: No. I’m neutrality, after all, but if either of you come near me or my champions, it’s on![Deity Guy disappears in a burst of color. Faintly, he is heard exclaiming “YES!”]Lamp Prime: I guess I should go get ready, too.[There is a burst of light, but Lamp Prime is still sitting on the stage.]Lamp Prime: This isn’t where I want to be. Would one of you — ?[Owen Reilly hops onto the stage and carries Lamp Prime off with his Purple Lamp power. In the audience, the champions begin to talk and gossip.]Player One: So the armor thing. Are we actually getting armor?Elvin Clovar: What do you care? You lost your first —[Before Elvin Clovar can finish, Player One punches him in the face with his Power Gloved hand. Elvin Clovar is knocked back in surprise by the blow, and raises his hand to his nose, discovering blood.]Player Two: FIRST BLOOD! FIRST BLOOD!Player One: I’ve wanted to do that for a long time.Elvin Clovar: I thought Canadians were supposed to be polite!Player One: You’ll see how polite I am when I start punching you some more![Elvin Clovar backs away towards the champions of the Stupid.]Red Scare: You’ve made a powerful mistake this day, lad!Player One: Your face made a terrible mistake.Player Two: Oh! Burn![Professor Nick looks around and kicks the Forgiver in the ankle.]Professor Nick: There.The Forgiver: Did you just kick me?Professor Nick: I did! First blood!The Forgiver: Apologize.[Professor Nick kicks him again.]Professor Nick: Never!The Forgiver: Well then, I guess I’ll have to beat an apology out of you.Professor Nick: Oh dear.[Professor Nick runs, with the Forgiver giving chase. However, the superhero is tripped by Squibbons Johnson.]Squibbons Johnson: How’d that get there? Hur.[Squibbons Johnson is hit by an empty beer bottle, followed by several more, thrown by T-Bone and Danger Force.]T-Bone: Take that, Squiddly Diddly.[In response, Steve the Chach walks up to Agent Villain and starts posturing.]Steve the Chach: You want some of this, old man? You want some? Huh? HUH?[Agent Villain looks him over, fingers the hilt of his knife thoughtfully, lets out a single laugh, and points at the wall. Steve the Chach turns his head to look at the wall as Agent Villain’s knee immediately and almost imperceptibly burrows into Steve the Chach’s groin, causing him to double-over in the agony that only men could experience from such a blow. Agent Villain then turns around and walks away.]Steve the Chach:[clutching his testicles] Yeah, that’s what I thought.[A clump of dirt hits Steve in the back of the head. He turns and sees Jonathan Hortenz standing there, whistling softly.]Steve the Chach: Dude! Uncool!Jonathan Hortenz: It wasn’t me. It was him.[Jonathan Hortenz points to Sitting Tricky Pillow Man. These events continue happening until everyone is fighting everyone else, resulting in much blood and bruises. Pikapunk and Brachiosaur quietly slip away.]Pikapunk: I’ve never seen everyone so riled up.Brachiosaur: Brachi brach brachi!Pikapunk: He should be okay.[Their flight is halted by Monkeysaurus Rex, who snuck out back to enjoy a cigarette before the Embodiments even finished arriving.]Brachiosaur: BRACHI![Brachiosaur rears up, almost crushing Pikapunk in the process.]Pikapunk: Could you move, please? You’re upsetting him.Monkeysaurus Rex: This is flavor country, and flavor country? It’s a free country. I wrote a song about it. You want to hear it?Pikapunk: No.[Monkeysaurus Rex and Pikapunk narrow their eyes at each other, while Brachiosaur trembles in fear against a wall. As the fighting continues, Thomas Iavi, Doctor Aquarius, and Plasticine Cube take the stage.]Thomas Iavi: Microphone! I need a microphone![Perverto crashes through the floor of the stage, holding a microphone and camera.]Perverto: At your service!Iavi: Er. Thanks.[Iavi taps the microphone a few times, and then shouts into it.]Iavi: KNOCK IT OFF![The battling champions all turn to the stage.]Iavi: Listen everyone, I know the Embodiments are being… weird right now, but that’s no reason to go at each other’s throats like this. I mean, even you, Charleston? You should know better than this![Charleston Charge looks up at Iavi, a frown upon his face, and sets down the Gemini Twin Trooper he had picked up to throw at the other two. He pats him on the head and the Gemini Twin Trooper punches him in the stomach. Doctor Aquarius takes the microphone.]Doctor Aquarius: I know we all hate each other, or at least most of us hate the others. I, for one, hate all of you but my former ZODIAC companions.El Presidente: Even me?Doctor Aquarius: Especially you. However, we shouldn’t resort to violence just because some cosmic beings want us to. If it’s our event, which only applies to about a dozen of us at this point, that’s all well and good. But we shouldn’t go to war over something so silly. At least, not yet. Let’s wait a little while.[Iavi looks at Doctor Aquarius, a concerned look upon his face. Plasticine Cube somehow takes the microphone.]Plasticine Cube: Violence is never the answer![This has the exact opposite effect, as the champions all begin fighting each other once again. Thrifty Scout Fenris, in her civilian identity of Rei Himano, repeatedly hits Player Three with her fists. Logan Keanu Solo, possessed by his insane alter-ego Brutal McKillmore, runs around hitting people with a hammer and shouting nonsense. Metallic Spheroid attempts to set fire to things.]Plasticine Cube: Well, that didn’t work.Doctor Aquarius: What can we do? As much as I like this chaos, there’s a time and place for it, and that’s not here or now — especially with the Embodiments in such a tizzy.Iavi: Yeah. I think it’s time to pull out the big guns.Doctor Aquarius: You can’t mean — ?Iavi: I do.[Iavi wades through the carnage, narrowly dodging a concrete pillow tossed by Sitting Tricky Pillow Man and somehow avoiding a laser-blast from Shizamablam!’s space-gat. He finds his way to Cinco de Mayo, who have adopted a defensive formation, and removes one of their members. He then makes his way to another team, borrowing one of its members. The trio of Iavi and the two borrowed team members quickly run back to the stage, managing not to get hit by a wide variety of attacks. The two team members, Toddo and Kareem, take the stage. Doctor Aquarius lowers the microphone for the children.]Kareem: Well, golly, I don’t think this is good at all!Toddo: It’s not![All the champions stop fighting once again and turn towards the stage.]Kareem: You should never try to hurt other people.Toddo: Unless if you’re defending yourself, but even then, you should try to find a more peaceful way to solve things first!Kareem: Even if we don’t like each other all that much, we have to find ways to get along. If you took the time to get know people better, then golly, you might find out that they’re not all that bad!Toddo: So I guess what we’re saying is that we shouldn’t be doing all this fighting amongst ourselves. We should just stay calm, finish the tournament, and then everyone can go home.Kareem: Then we can do whatever we want.Toddo: So please stop fighting everyone.Kareem: Gosh, please?[The champions, shamed by the children, mumble half-hearted apologies to each other and slowly step away from each other. The various medics begin treating the wounded, and those who are well simply walk away. Iavi steps onto the stage and approaches the children, kneeling down to make eye contact.]Iavi: Thanks, kids.Kareem: It was no problem, Mister Iavi.Toddo: I’m just glad we could help.Iavi: So am I, but now I hope the Embodiments can get along for the rest of the tournament.[In the Hippodrome, Lamp Prime sits in the middle in the same state he was in before. He has a chalkboard with a list of safe events. The Stupid, meanwhile, has devised a list of targets on the other two teams to capture, disable, or kill. Deity Guy is drinking and muttering a wide variety of curses upon the other two Embodiments.]Deity Guy: Stupid fourth round… hope it’s over soon.

[Deity Guy, Metallic Spheroid, and Gerald are watching Mike P run through the halls of Castle Valerium. Mike Q tromps in and stares at the screen.]Mike Q: Aw ****, not this **** again.[Mike P runs through the halls when, suddenly, Tampon-Bot drops down from above.]Mike P: Yikes!Tampon-Bot: I have to bring you back.Mike P: How did you even do that?[The camera pans up, showing a giant hole in the ceiling. Mike P nods, and then Tampon-Bot leans over and attempts to grab Mike P. The robot’s lack of digits proves to make this task impossible, and Mike P squeezes by him and continues running. He looks behind him at the hulking Tampon-Bot.]Mike P: Wish I had my flying disc — OOF![Mike P runs into someone’s legs. He looks up to see Talia Andreos.]Mike P: Talia!Talia: Oh, God. It’s you.Mike P: You have to help me! This crazy scientist and his robot are after me! They want to do an autopsy!Talia: That scientist is my boss.Mike P: Whatever! You have to hide me!Talia: Sorry, but my first duty is to my employer.Mike P: Come on, help me out for old time’s sake?[Talia doesn’t even think for a moment.]Talia: No.[Mike P groans and darts by her. She thinks for a moment, wondering if she should give chase, but shrugs and decides against it. Elsewhere in Castle Valerium, DoctorDerangemo is suiting-up for the alien extraction.]Metallic Spheroid: How exactly is this camera able to do all these things?Gerald: You’d be surprised at how many cameras Talia installed throughout the castle, and then how many I installed, and I think Perverto installed a few as well, which is why I usually go to the YMCA to shower.Deity Guy: Perverto knows there’s nudity there. I got it on tape.[Gerald becomes crest-fallen.]Mike Q: There ain’t no ******* swearing in this piece of ****.Deity Guy: I thought there would be.[DoctorDerangemo has finished suiting-up, a process which includes dressing like a Ghostbuster.]DoctorDerangemo: Now to find that alien and autopsy him![Mike P has found his way to a long hallway, with a small poorly-made sign that says “Escape”. He stops to ponder the sign for a moment, then decides that it’s as good a lead as any. He runs down the hallway but, fifteen feet from its end, Perverto steps out from behind a curtain.]Mike P: How did I not notice those curtains?Perverto: O-M-G! It is my old foe. By turning you over to Derangemo, my desires will be met! L-O-L![Mike P turns to run, but Perverto’s slender claw picks him up by the scruff of the… neck? Let’s go with neck. Anyway, he picks him up and marches down the hallway.]Mike P: Why are you doing this? I’ve only met you once.Perverto: At which point you shamed Perverto!Mike P: I didn’t shame you, you just wandered off!Perverto: I have no time for such niceties! You are the key to my heart’s desire!Mike P: I am not!Perverto: Are too!Mike P: Am not![Perverto throws him to the ground.]Perverto: It is obvious we shall have to battle!Mike P: I really don’t have time to fight you! I have to get away from Derangemo![DoctorDerangemo chooses this point to walk into the doorway at the opposite end of the hallway.]DoctorDerangemo: There you are![DoctorDerangemo shoots his weapon at Mike P, causing a claw-machine claw on a long string to fly through the air at Mike P. Mike P side-steps it, then leaps forward to avoid Perverto.]Perverto: For glory! FOR PERVERTO![Perverto leaps at Mike P in an attempt to tackle him, but misses due to the mentioned jumping forward. Mike P hops on top of the fallen robot and runs towards the door, only for Tampon-Bot to again crash through the ceiling.]Tampon-Bot: Please stop running.Mike P: No![Mike P turns and runs, once again jumping on top of Perverto who has made no attempt to get up, and running past DoctorDerangemo, who is reeling in his claw and giggling.]DoctorDerangemo: Don’t run off just yet! We haven’t even begun the fun!Mike P: I’ll pass, thanks![Before Mike P can reach the end of the hallway, another being appears. The murderous foul-mouthed teddy-bearesque Profanitron.]Deity Guy: Aw snap. Okay, Mike Q, ready?Mike Q: Yeah.[Profanitron holds up his stainless steel claws and points one to Mike P.]Profanitron: Stop right there, <dirtbag> .Mike Q: ******.Deity Guy: Yes.[Metallic Spheroid turns to Mike Q and Deity Guy.]Metallic Spheroid: Wait —Gerald: Just leave them be.[Profanitron steps menacingly towards Mike P and readies his claws for attack. Mike P steps backward, only to be hit with DoctorDerangemo‘s claw. It seems to connect, but immediately falls the ground.]DoctorDerangemo: Oh well! Time to use my actual alien capture device![DoctorDerangemo pulls out a butterfly net.]DoctorDerangemo: Tally-ho![Perverto, who has gotten up, is approaching from the third direction. The fact that this leads directly into a wall doesn’t matter to the robot. Tampon-Bot just stands there and sighs. Meanwhile, in the Megadome, the timer dings.]Deity Guy: Oh man. It’s already been an hour.Mike Q: Nothing ******* says you have to bring that ****** back yet.Metallic Spheroid: Actually…Deity Guy: Shush your mouth.Gerald: Who wins?Deity Guy: Mike P isn’t caught, so he wins. He’s cornered, yes, but not caught. Let’s see if he can get out of it.Metallic Spheroid: You said —Deity Guy: You want me to go back on my decision?Metallic Spheroid: Shushing my mouth.[Back in Castle Valerium, Mike P looks to each of his antagonists in turn. He charges up his plasma cap, waves to them, and blasts the floor beneath him. He falls through, and runs through the catacombs of Castle Valerium.]Profanitron: Not so <darn> fast![However, as Profanitron steps towards the hole, DoctorDerangemo holds out the butterfly net.]Profanitron: What the <heck> ?Mike Q: First one was ****, the second was ****.DoctorDerangemo: I have no idea what’s in those catacombs. He may have been better off being sliced open by me than going down there!Tampon-Bot: You go down there all the time, Doctor.DoctorDerangemo: I know.[The three look at each other for a minute, and then shrug. DoctorDerangemo and Tampon-Bot vanish in a burst of color, and far beneath Castle Valerium, Mike P does the same.]Metallic Spheroid: That’s new.Deity Guy: Didn’t mean to.Gerald: It works. Lamp Prime is one end of the spectrum, the Stupid is the other. One does flashes of light, the other does puffs of smoke. So the burst of color thing fits.Deity Guy: I guess. Just have to learn how to do it when I’m not sloshed.Metallic Spheroid: So Mike P wins, then? Goes on to the next round?Deity Guy: Sure thing.

[Deity Guy is sitting on a bench, his five o’clock shadow having become full-fledged facial hair. He has resorted to drinking bottles of cheap wine in paper bags, and is one step away from becoming Baggy Deity Guy. Mike P and Metallic Spheroid are on each side of him.]Deity Guy: It’s just been so hard, you know? It used to be, it used to be… [Deity Guy takes a swig of wine] It used to be that the Embodiment of Neutrality was just like the thingy in the middle of a thing.Metallic Spheroid: Fulcrum and lever, perhaps?Deity Guy: Maybe. [He takes another swig of wine, but finds the bottle to be empty. He hurls it against the wall and manifests another one, opening it and immediately chugging half of it.] One side you had good, the other side you had evil, and they were both evenly matched. I was just there to make sure it stayed that way, I guess. Keep ’em balanced. Then… then… that thing with the thing happened.Mike P: Mister Lucky dying in the death trap?Deity Guy: Yeah. That’s the thing. All of a sudden, Lamp Prime starts being all whatnot with the thing and the Stupid. I’m pretty sure he’s been sending his guys to kill people for their events. Everything’s all out of whack. [He takes another swig of wine.]Mike P: He can’t be all bad. He told Ethan Crane and me about the Thrifty Scouts showing up.[Deity Guy turns his giant bloodshot eye upon Mike P.]Deity Guy: What?Mike P: He’s the reason we made it to that one event to fight the Thrifty Scouts.Deity Guy: Oh man. Yeah, that does seem like his style. Ruin my thing for his own amusement. What a dick. [Deity Guy takes another swig of wine, then holds it over to Metallic Spheroid.] Want?Metallic Spheroid: No thank you. Unlike you, my lack of a mouth does prohibit me from consuming things.[Deity Guy holds it out to Mike P.]Mike P: No thanks. I don’t drink.Deity Guy: More for me. Still, I have to say, you two? When I pulled you from your lives to tell you I was watching you and that if you failed to amuse me I’d destroy your worlds, I had no idea you guys would be all like this to me. Be all friendly. Thanks guys. You know what? You’re off the hook. No more having to amuse me and all that.Metallic Spheroid: You mean you’ve still been watching us?Deity Guy: Yeah. I still will, but now if you’re boring you don’t have to worry about me destroying your worlds. Don’t tell anyone about me, though. Could be trouble. [Deity Guy finishes the second bottle of wine, smashes it against the wall, and manifests a third.] You know what, though? Much as I like you guys, I can’t help but wonder. Lamp Prime has Mister Lucky —Mike P: Had.Deity Guy: Yeah, he had Mister Lucky. Thanks for reminding me. [He takes a long drink from his bottle.] The Stupid has Agent Villain. Who’s my guy? I like you guys, but I don’t think it’s either of you. I wonder who my guy is…[DoctorDerangemo enters the Megadome of Deity Guy with Tampon-Bot following behind.]DoctorDerangemo: It’s me!Deity Guy: What?DoctorDerangemo: I’m here! For my event against a Mike P?Deity Guy: Oh. Oh, yeah. Well, here’s your Mike P. Have at it.[Mike P steps forward, grinning sheepishly and waving.]Mike P: Hey there.DoctorDerangemo: A little green man? A little green… SPACEMAN?Mike P: You could say that, yes.DoctorDerangemo: Oh, I know exactly what to do with you! [He steps forward and grabs Mike P, then leaps onto Tampon-Bot’s back.] Tampon-Bot, away! [Tampon-Bot runs out of the Megadome, with Deity Guy and Metallic Spheroid looking on.]Deity Guy: What just happened?Metallic Spheroid: It would seem your Doctor Derangemo just abducted the Mikep and left.Deity Guy: Good, so it’s not drunken hallucinations. Go get that Gerald guy. I think we may need his little box.Metallic Spheroid: So we can rescue him?Deity Guy: You know what I’ve spent the past week doing? Half the time, it’s Lamp Prime calling me up and whining at me because his guy died and trying to guilt me into hanging out with him, the other half it’s the Stupid calling me up and telling me about his grand plans and all that. They went from barely tolerating me to never leaving me alone. It’s stressful, and what I need right now is to watch some mad scientist shenanigans to help ease the stress. So go get Gerald.Metallic Spheroid: You can just summon him.[Deity Guy arches his brow at Metallic Spheroid, then Gerald appears in a flash of light.]Gerald: Oh. What’s going on?Deity Guy: Your boss just left here with his opponent. We need your magic box to watch what happens.Gerald: It’s not magic, it’s technology so advanced it’s like magic. All right, fine.[Gerald pulls out the remote control and, with a few deft turns, a holographic image appears. It shows Mike P standing in a corner with Doctor Derangemo holding various surgical implements.]DoctorDerangemo: It’s what I have to do!Mike P: You don’t have to perform an alien autopsy on me!DoctorDerangemo: Of course I do!Mike P: You’ll have to catch me first![Mike P runs past DoctorDerangemo and darts out into the hall. DoctorDerangemo shoves the tools into his lab coat and gives chase, with Tampon-Bot emitting an electronic sigh and lumbering behind.]Metallic Spheroid: Shouldn’t we do something?Deity Guy: We are. We’re watching.Gerald: I think he means —Deity Guy: I know what he means! I’m stressed out and drunk, not stupid! If Derangemo actually catches him, then I’ll whisk them both back here.Metallic Spheroid: How long are we going to watch this for?Deity Guy: I figure we’ll give them an hour. Should be enough time. In fact, that’s the event. If Mike P can evade Derangemo for an hour, he wins. If he’s caught, Derangemo wins. Now let’s watch. And someone get Mike Q in here in case there’s any foul language.

Mister Lucky: I see four of you. Where’s the gnome? [Jerald flies in on his disc.]Jerald: Right here! Mister Frink agreed to take a break while I deal with this event.Mister Lucky: You got Frinky to take a break?Jerald: I cast a sleep spell on him.Mister Lucky: Clever.Thomas Iavi: If you two ladies are done clucking, we have an event to do. Since Mister Lucky is a bit more competent than the Scottish Boxman, I had to think up a different way to test his mettle against that of Cinco de Mayo. I had to bring in some help from the other side.Shoshy Raphael: Hello, Lucky.Mister Unlucky: I’m here, too! Iavi: As your opposite numbers, these two have come up with a series of increasingly dangerous death-traps for you to navigate.Mister Lucky: One’s a sap and the other’s… well, lights are on but no one’s home, if you catch my meaning. You do realize this, right? Iavi: Between the two of them, I think they came up with some pretty good death-traps. Agent Villain came by and took a look. Didn’t see him leave, but really, who wants to hang around a death-trap? [Mister Lucky scowls at the mention of Agent Villain, and his face becomes a mask of determination.]Mister Lucky: Well, that changes a thing or two. Iavi: Great. Go wait over there while I explain the challenge for Cinco de Mayo.Mister Lucky: Sure thing. Iavi: All right. Now, for you five, there’s a series of five rooms. Each one is tailored to one of your unique… Charlotte!Charlotte: What? Iavi: Pay attention!Charlotte: There’s a frayed string on your coat. [Iavi finds the string and yanks it off, letting it blow away. Charlotte watches it go, but as soon as it’s out of sight, she returns her attention to Iavi.] Iavi: Okay. As I was saying, each room is tailored to one of your unique talents. [sighs] Yes, Toddo?Toddo: Did you get our archenemies to help you with it? Iavi: No. I don’t even know who your archenemies are. I checked up with Lamp Prime about what you guys are about, though. The rooms should be challenging, but not impossible. I had El Scientist Magnifico run the numbers. Even allowing for several mistakes and mishaps, you five should be done around the same time Mister Lucky is. Now, I did get some help with a few of the rooms from — [The skies turn dark and a single bolt of lightning erupts from the heavens, striking the ground and leaving a cloud of black smoke. A figure walks out of the smoke, wearing a black hat and carrying a staff. A muscle-bound barbarian with an axe on his back and an ice pick in his hand follows closely behind.]Xuxim: I am Xuxim.Baggy Wallis: Input fear!Toddo: You know him?Baggy Wallis: Input adventure. Input lizard. Input ice.Xuxim: Ah, yes. That whole debacle. You used to be a vagrant, were you not? Anyway, Iavi asked me to magic-proof several of the rooms so that the gnome doesn’t simply magic the five of you to the end.Jerald: I don’t think you can be trusted.Xuxim: Come now, I’ve no reason to kill any of you here and now — just as Misters Raphael and Unlucky have no reason to kill Mister Lucky. It’s all for sport.Shoshy Raphael: Besides, we’ve been promised that if we go out of our way to kill any of you during an event then things will go badly for us.Xuxim: Quite badly indeed. Iavi: Right. Okay, both teams ready? Good. Go!

Learn more about the challengers:Mister LuckyCinco de Mayo[The Ghost of Charlemagne floats through the crowds gathered outside the various stadiums. There is much chatter.]Baco: Did you hear about Meekrat?Antwon: What the hell is Meekrat?Baco: I don’t know, but Howard Cosell was blathering on about it!Tom Phillipson: Don’t tell anyone I heard this, but I heard that Meekrat is some sort of intergalactic peace-keeping organization who’s throwing this tournament to find a champion.Elvin Clovar: Like “The Last Starfighter”?Tom Phillipson: Don’t be an idiot. It’s nothing at all like that.Matt Omley: Is Meekrat like the Purple Lamp Corps? They’re an intergalactic peace-keeping organization!Tom Phillipson: No! They’re more like that Star Trek thing.Brendan Phillipson: Player One taped one of the early matches on his phone. Howard Cosell said something about March Meekrat Madness.Elvin Clovar: My god! Do you think the champion will have to fight the Great Old Ones?Ethan Crane: Don’t be daft! Why would we want to fight them?Elvin Clovar: They cause madness in the minds of mortals, duh.Ethan Crane: Don’t sass me, fatty!Xig: Last year, there was another tournament, and I shouldn’t be telling any of you this, but the three champions had to go save the Embodiments from another embodiment. The embodiment of Chaos! Chaos is sort of like madness!Solana: Xig!Xig: It’s true! Do you think maybe the March Meekrat Madness has to do with the Embodiment of Chaos?Ethan Crane: I remember that. No television at all for the longest time. It was a horrid experience.Plasticine Cube: Then why is it March?Metallic Spheroid: Obviously, it’s because March… is a month. And also it’s something you do. So it’s the March of the Meekrats against Madness!Plasticine Cube: 2010?Metallic Spheroid: Yes! [The Ghost of Charlemagne, who has been listening to all of this with a look of ever-growing befuddlement and anger, finally snaps]Ghost of Charlemagne: Listen to all of you! It was just an insane old man babbling! There’s no such thing as Meekrat! Or March! Or madness!Metallic Spheroid: March and madness do exist, though.Ghost of Charlemagne: Quiet, you! Howard Cosell is just a crazy old man! Don’t listen to anything he says about March or Meekrat or Madness!Tom Phillipson: That’s just what the Man doesn’t want us to do! [The Ghost of Charlemagne sighs heavily and floats away]Ghost of Charlemagne: And Howard wonders why they only gave him three events this round…

[On the jumbo television screen, the letters K, L, I, and E appear.]Ethan Crane: What?! Who turned on the closed captioning?!Deity Guy: It’s the jumble, Ethan. You know, the event in which you’re participating?Ethan Crane: Oh! Oh. Well, can we get closed captioning on this channel? Suppose I become hearing impaired.PC/MS: LIKE! Papery Pyramid: Uh, like!Deity Guy: PC/MS gets the first point. Ethan trails by one.Plasticine Cube: Who?Deity Guy: You guys. PC/MS.Metallic Spheroid: I don’t think I like that name much.Deity Guy: Deal with it. Continue!Ethan Crane: Ridiculous! I’ll show these shapes![On the jumbo television screen, the letters F, O, D, and O appear.]Ethan Crane: Hmm. Oh, I know this one! Frodo!PC/MS: FOOD! Papery Pyramid: Yeah! Food!Deity Guy: Point goes to PC/MS. Ethan now trails by two. Two more to go.Ethan Crane: Blast![On the jumbo television screen, the letters L, L, I, and D appear.]Plasticine Cube: These puzzles are completely juvenile. Papery Pyramid: Haha, yeah! They look like they’re for little kids, too.Plasticine Cube: If I had a hand, it would be smacking my forehead right now, Pyramid.Ethan Crane: Oh! Oh! It’s dill, as in “dill sergeant”!Deity Guy: That’s “drill sergeant”, but you’re correct nonetheless. The score is now two to one with one more puzzle to go.Metallic Spheroid: I hope you realize that your pontificating has cost us a point, Cube.Plasticine Cube: Does it really matter? This task is insulting.[On the jumbo television screen, the letters A, D, C, and R appear.]Plasticine Cube: See? Even children of the lowest intelligence could solve these.[Ethan Crane and Papery Pyramid stare intently at the screen. Ethan Crane: mouths words silently as he reads each letter.]Metallic Spheroid: I see what you mean. Papery Pyramid: Drac! As in “Dracula”!Ethan Crane: No, you imbecile! It’s card, as in you’re a card-carrying moron! Papery Pyramid: That was hurtful.Deity Guy: Hurtful, but true. Anyway, the scores are tied, so there will be one sudden death puzzle. Whoever solves this puzzle wins the entire contest.[On the jumbo television screen, the letters N, N, O, C, L, D, I, A, E, E, U, N, E, O, E, T, Y, R, G, and M appear.]Plasticine Cube: …if I had a mouth, it would be hanging open right now.Metallic Spheroid: What in the name of all that is holy is that?Deity Guy: The last puzzle.Plasticine Cube: But that word makes absolutely no sense. It can’t possibly be real. Papery Pyramid: I don’t like these. I don’t like these at all.[Ethan Crane silently counts the letters, mouthing a word to himself.]Ethan Crane: Non-Euclidean Geometry.Deity Guy: Ethan wins.Plasticine Cube: What?!Metallic Spheroid: There’s only one word to describe this turn of events…PC/MS: LAME! Papery Pyramid: Yeah, lame!Deity Guy: Not at all. You see, “Non-Euclidean Geometry” is a phrase coined by H.P. Lovecraft, used to describe the architecture in the dreaded Cthulhu’s sunken city of R’yleh. For shapes such as yourselves, it would be impossible to conceive such a notion; for a human- or vampire- the notion is perfectly within the realm of possibility. That said, it also qualifies as a genuine word or phrase under the 1956
Revised Scrabble World Championship Rules.Metallic Spheroid: Somehow, the part about the Scrabble rules sounds untrue.Deity Guy: You’re probably right. Regardless, the vampire wins and moves onto the next round.Ethan Crane:[claps] This is the greatest show I’ve ever seen! Bravo!