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Have your workmates called in sick today? I’m not saying they are faking it, but it’s gorgeous weather outside, a new season of Orange is the New Black just hit Netflix and research from jobs site Reed.co.uk shows that Friday is the most popular day to skive off.

The jobs site also asked employers to compile their most ridiculous excuses. We challenge anyone to get away with number 2.

Oh, I thought it was Sunday…is it Monday today?

My dog ate my iphone so I couldn’t find the place

We have had a bereavement in the family… budgie died

I’ve been waiting for a bus for 3 hours

I’m really sorry I cannot make it into work this morning as I have sunburned feet.

And here are their most frequently heard excuses, some of which are more reasonable.

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If you understand what these are or use them, then you’re guaranteed a bonus. Sadly.

Apparently a third of ‘underperforming’ bosses are given bonuses, say the Chartered Management Institute (CMI) , who are not affiliated in any way with the Institute of Mediocre Management (IMM) though our goal of getting the bosses more wonga are of course the same.

The research into the pay of 70,000 managers concluded that a third of those given bonuses were rated as “not meeting expectations.”

The Chartered Management Institute’s National Salary Survey found that the average bonus for under-performing company directors was £45,000 and the average bonus for below-par senior managers was almost £9,000.

Ms Francke explained that bonuses may now be considered a part of normal pay, rather than a reward for hard work.
“Another reason so many low performers get bonuses is that there is often a culture of rewarding past glories.
“The longer that goes on, the more people come to rely on the money… employers really should think about whether it would be better to address the level of basic pay.”

And here at the IMM we totally agree with the CMI that basic pay should go up for incompetent performers as they form the backbone of UK businesses and without them, Golf Club, Luxury Car and Sailing Holiday companies would go to the wall, red trousers and stripey shirts would never be worn again and Agas would be consigned to history.

Status meetings undermine worker productivity with lengthy preparation requirements and distracted, multi-tasking participants. Three in five employed adults reported that preparing for a status meeting “takes longer than the meeting itself,” while more than one-third of those who attend status meetings called them a waste of their time.
The results show that employed Americans spend an average of 4.6 hours each week preparing for status meetings and 4.5 hours attending general status meetings, up from four hours each week four years ago. New results also indicate that almost three in five workers reported that they multitask during status meetings. Almost half of respondents would rather “do any unpleasant activity” than sit in a status meeting, including going to the Department of Motor Vehicles or watching paint dry.

“Survey results continue to show that status meetings do not boost employee productivity,” said Avinoam Nowogrodski, founder and CEO of Clarizen. “In today’s modern workplace, where demands are constantly changing, employees need easy, real-time access to their discussions, work content and processes. This is what fuels employee productivity and quality work, not sitting in status meetings or preparing lengthy status reports.

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Do you get in a flap when things go wrong? Is your management style based on just making a lot of noise i.e. style but no substance? Do you crap on subordinates? Then you may well qualify for the I.M.M. Seagull Management course. See below for Corporate Life 101’s qualifications necessary to participate.

The seagull manager is such an integral part of the corporate scene that it is difficult to separate the two with any reasonable or even unreasonable force.

Those unfortunate souls who are not up to speed on corporate nuances, please educate yourself here. The seagull manager is sort of fun to watch from the periphery, if you have managed to stay outside the sphere of influence which, I hasten to add, is considerable and, more often than not, includes the entire organization. It is definitely prudent to assume that you would be showered with you-know-what sooner or later and be prepared with suitable cleansing agents.

The seagull manager descends on meetings in the blink of an eye. Let us say you are discussing the layout for a new office and attempting to logically divide the space based on departments and who needs to work with whom. In comes the…