David Cameron was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. To the blonde he said, I am the Prime Minister of England . Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?' She replied, £200.' To the brunette he asked the same question. Her reply was £100. He then asked the redhead... Her reply was,

'Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, My panties as low as my wages, Get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, And keep it rising like the price of gas, Keep me warmer than it is in my flat and Screw me the way you have retirees, Then you can have it for free, like everything the immigrants get.

Brilliant!

B****y awful weather here too although Edinburgh did manage to escape the gales and rain which affected large parts of the country earlier this week. Wherever it is you live I hope you weren't flooded out or anything like that. I just love it though when I have to put the light on during the day!

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tonnes of heroin,£5 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth.Local residents were stunned and a community spokesman said: "We're all shocked, we never knew we had a library."

19 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.It was not a terrorist attack; a bunk bed collapsed.Police are attributing the blame to Al' IKEA.

Also up north a man decided to wash his sports shirt. He opens the washing machine then stops, thinking for a minute. He shouts to his missus,"What setting do I use on the washing machine?""It depends," she replies. "What does it say on your shirt?"He yells back, "Manchester United.

A scousers grandson got lost in the new Liverpool One shopping centre.He approached a security guard and said, "I've lost me Granddad."The guard asked, "What's his name?"The child replied, "Granddad."The guard smiled and asked: "But what's he like?"The little angel thought for a moment and then replied, "Cans of lager and women with big tits."

If you lean towards being on the prudish side, I suggest that you move on to the next joke.

One day at a New York telephony company -- back in the old days -- a young simple Irish girl, recently arrived from the old country, bursts in and says to the man behind the counter "I miss my mother! I want to speak to my mother!" She explains that they don't have a phone back home but that her mother works at the village's post office where there is one and gives the man that number and asks how much it would cost to speak to her mother. After looking up the cost he man tells the girl. "Oh! I can't afford that!" "I could never afford that!" she says then looks the man directly in the eye and says "But I would do anything to speak with my mother" He returns her look and say, questioningly "Anything?" and she looks back into his eyes and says "Anything"

He says "Follow me" and opens the door to the staff-room behind him and walks through into the room. When she joins him there he says, "Close the door" and after she does and has turned to face him, he says, in a raspy voice, "Get down on your knees in front of me" and as she is doing so he pulls down the fly of his trousers, takes out his erect penis and says "Go on, you know what to do!" The girl takes the man's penis in to her hand, leans her head forward, opening her mouth and just before her lips reach the head of the penis, she says, "Hello Mammy. Are you there?" Or, alternatively “Hello Mammy. Is that you?”

Three American women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.

They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be be executed in the morning, though none of them can rememberwhat they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.

She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words."I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I'm from the University of Tennessee and I just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."