Pretty Little Liars: B Is For Busted

ARMED & DANGEROUS

Pretty Little Liars: B Is For Busted

By Karen Malmquist

IF THERE’S ONE THING THE PO PO can’t get enough of, it’s the Marin family. Even after leaving Rosewood for the night, trouble still follows Hanna as she’s found with a gun at a sorority party on Tuesday’s Pretty Little Liars. Meanwhile, Tippy seems to have led the Liars to Ali’s old hideout.

Hanna wakes up from a terrible nightmare in which she finds her mom asleep on a lawn chair outside, covered in towels and wearing an orange prison jumpsuit. Bonus: all her hair has fallen off. I’m convinced a demon is living in the Marin house and is making Hanna hallucinate, wearing her mascara and giving her perfectly soft, beach-y waves before she wakes up. It’s the only explanation as to why she doesn’t look like she’s been dragged out of the sewer like a normal human being who’s just woken up.
Spencer comes downstairs for breakfast and is greeted by her mother, who says Melissa is away at her internship, where everything is “beautiful, but very cold.” Of course, Spencer gets sassy and says that’s very fitting for her older sister. Mrs. Hastings pretends she doesn’t hear that, and hands her a giant catalogue from a private admissions officer named Brandon McGowen, whom she believes will help Spencer get into her second choice college. Apparently this guy helped a girl with a DUI get into her second choice, but Spencer argues that she doesn’t even have a DUI. However, she was in Radley.

Emily’s looking at the Stanford website when her dad walks in the room, assuring her that this whole family services mess will blow over soon and things will get back to normal. He also tells her that Stanford has a beautiful campus, but Emily says that without swimming, she’s just average and will never get in. Mr. Fields doesn’t like to hear Emily talk like that about herself, and says that nothing about her is average, adding that he will do everything he can to help her.

At school, Mrs. Montgomery is telling the class about the upcoming Rosewood college tours, and says it’s a time to audit classes and tour the campuses, not discover beer pong. Shouldn’t these visits have happened… oh, I don’t know, several months ago? We know it’s way after Halloween in Rosewood, which means it’s way past the time they should just start looking at schools to which they want to apply. Just saying.

After class, Aria tells Spencer and Emily that she’s looked up every possible link to Ali, and nothing leads to York County — the area code in the phone number Tippy the bird was singing. Spencer flips through her McGowen book and finds the address to Cicero College, conveniently located in York County. Aria pulls out the number the bird gave them, and notices that even the prefix of the number matches the one to Cicero. They just got a lot closer to a new clue. Or not. This show got picked up for a fifth season, we probably won’t know anything until 2015, and with their luck the number is probably for a hairdresser Ali used to dye her roots blond or something.

Elle tells Aria after school that she’s decided to not go to Austria with Zach. She says she’s come to her senses, and knows that Mike still hasn’t gotten over her moving out of the house after splitting up with their dad. Aria seems surprised. Suddenly, a bee crawls out of the AC vent, and they’re shockingly cool with it. Elle even calmly shoos it away with a rolled-up college pamphlet. And this whole part of the scene happened because…?

Aria gets out of the car, and gets a text from A/ Red Coat. It says “This is just a taste of my venom. –Kisses, A.” Meanwhile, Ella is putting on lipstick in the car mirror as several bees start emerging from the overhead vents. Okay, I get it now. She panics and starts trying to swat the swarm of bees out of the way, at no point deciding to open the car door and get the hell out of there.

Emily’s at work at the Brew, where she sees who she’s guessing is Brandon, based on all the company stuff he has at his table. He thinks she’s Spencer, but Emily says no, and that Spencer is just running a little late. The two decide to make small talk while he waits, and Emily mentions her recently dashed Stanford dreams. Brandon suggests rebranding herself, and offers to help her figure out a plan in the meantime.

Ashley is meeting with Mrs. Hastings to try and tell her side of the Wilden story. She admits that she has some skeletons in her closet, and doesn’t want Veronica to be surprised. Don’t worry, Ashley. She’s not.

Spencer finally arrives at the meeting, where Brandon and Emily are chatting about schools. While Brandon is supposed to be her “Ivy League pimp” (her words, not mine), she suggests looking at Cicero. He says he thought she only wanted to look at Ivy Leagues like Brown, but Spencer says it wouldn’t hurt to look at safety schools. Emily sees where Spencer is going with this, and asks if Cicero would be a good pick for her as well. Before Brandon even gets to voice his concern about this whole thing, Spencer jumps in and says she can drive Emily to Cicero and they can tour the campus together.

In happier news, Mike Montgomery is alive! He’s chilling by the fireplace like mysterious, angst-y teenager that he is, when Aria comes in the room and starts yelling at him for daring to want his mom around. Aria says she cares about Ella’s happiness, and Mike says that she only wants mom gone so she can “go back to boffing her teacher.” Which teacher? Jake, the karate teacher? Or Ezra, the English teacher? Aria shoves him, probably not a good idea with a fire so close by.

It’s once again very dark at the Marin house, where Hanna and Ashley are about to eat dinner. Ashley doesn’t get why Hanna wouldn’t want to tour the schools with everyone, but Hanna explains that she already knows where she wants to go. Too bad Ashley reminds her that Hanna needs to get into the Fashion Institute first. Ashley gets a call from Veronica, and runs out of the room. Hanna picks up the phone and overhears Ashley asking, “How bad does it look?”

The next morning, Hanna, who never went to bed, calls Aria and asks if her mom was in trouble, would her dad help out despite being divorced. Aria says she thinks so, and asks why. Hanna tells her that her mom’s muddy shoes are gone, and the closet is locked for the first time. Hanna must be used to applying her shoplifting skills at home, if she knows the locking status of her mother’s closet.

On the Cicero campus, Spencer tells Emily about their plan to ditch Brandon and do some investigation on the phone number Tippy gave them. Emily seems hesitant, but Spencer says she doesn’t need to act like she actually wants to go to this school. However, Emily seems to be the only one who realizes that her future kind of trumps looking for A at this point, even asking Brandon about what kinds of scholarships they offer. Spencer tells Brandon she’s heading back to the hotel to “freshen up,” and then disappears as Emily starts to look like she’s dying inside.

Back at home, Hanna breaks into Ashley’s closet, where she finds her dad’s handgun wrapped in a scarf. A scarf, really? Don’t guns go off pretty easily?

Hanna calls Spencer, who says now isn’t a good time to call because she’s looking to find “Board Shorts” (the guy Tippy was squawking about) around the Cicero area.

Spencer walks up to a guy sitting at an information booth, who is immediately suspicious of her when she asks him to tell her who the phone number belongs to. After telling her to check the directory, and after she tells him it was unlisted, he finally gives in and reveals the first three numbers mean it’s on campus; the next three numbers means it’s on Greek Row. When Spencer asks which house it belongs to, she and the guy in the “Shut Your Pi Hole” shirt start making sassy Game of Thrones references to each other while dramatic music plays in the background. Is everyone but me watching that show?

That night, Spencer and Emily head down Greek Row in search of the house Ali supposedly visited. Spencer says this is important because, whichever house it is, that’s where Ali was headed with the money Hector gave her.

Emily has had enough with Spencer’s plan, and wants to put a pin in the Ali thing for the night because she actually wants to get into Cicero. Spencer can’t believe she didn’t come here to search for a phone number, and says “it all makes sense” why she was “flirting” with Brandon earlier. Emily says she was being charming, and that at least she didn’t whip off her bra to get back on the decathlon team. Ouch! That was a well-deserved burn. Right when Emily is about to make one last dig about how Spencer never had to be charming because “Mommy and Daddy always took care of everything,” the sisters of Gamma Zeta Chi walk out onto the porch and start singing their theme song to them.

Inside the party, a sorority member talks to Emily about Greek scholarships when Emily notices the décor around the former housemother’s room. The girl tells Emily that the housemother was before her time, but rumor has it she was a real piece of work.

Meanwhile, Spencer walks around the house, asking drunk college guys if they’ve seen the girl in the picture (Ali). They make comments about how they’ve seen her “in my dreams!” and Spencer walks away. She then finds a sticker with the phone number on the wall, when suddenly Hanna shows up, gun in her purse.

Spencer wanders around upstairs in search of Emily, and finds a secret room, which is dirty and unfurnished but has a creepy old radio playing and a pink phone hooked up to the wall. She picks up the phone and calls Aria, who is obvious creeped out that Tippy’s number is calling her during family game night. Spencer says it sure ain’t Tippy the bird, and explains that she’s calling from inside what appears to be a panic room or bunker that Ali was hiding out in. After she hangs up, Spencer notices what looks like deep scratch marks on the wall.

Hanna is sitting on the couch by herself when some frat guys spill Cheez Doodles all over her. She quickly grabs her purse and an empty beer mug and walks away. Emily, who is talking to an off-duty Brandon, notices Hanna and follows her. He offers to help look for Hanna, but Emily says she might have given him the wrong impression. She explains that she’s taken by another girl, and a wave of embarrassment washes over Brandon, who just seconds ago tried to hold her hand. Christ.

Emily and Spencer separately look for Hanna outside, and Emily realizes she’s being followed. Emily picks up the pace as a hooded figure catches up behind her. She screams as the figure jumps in front of her, turning out to be a frat guy with silly string, welcoming her to college. Not shown: Emily peeing her pants over this.

Hanna is in the middle of the woods, trying to bury the gun when police approach her and tell her she’s under arrest. As the Liars and everyone at the party watch Hanna get thrown into a police car, they get a text from A, saying that maybe Hanna and her mom can share a lawyer.

The episode wraps with A making some tea and dusting off a Gamma Zeta Chi picture, revealing what the old housemother, Carla Grunwald, looks like. She’s definitely no “House Bunny,” that’s for sure.