Arsene Wenger wants to hire Joey Barton's smoking gun

Gunners' boss Arsene Wenger has turned up the heat on football fugitive Joey Barton.

Rumours are circulating the North London underworld that 'Frenchie' Wenger has sent a Michael Caine lookalike up to Newcastle with instructions to "Get Joey."

The Arsenal manager is plotting to bring jailbird Joey back down to the Smoke and force him to run his business interests in Arsenal's midfield.

"Arsene told me to get rid of 'Spanish' Fabregas and dump his body in the Thames" said Wenger's deputy Pat 'Irish' Rice.

Joey 'Mental' Barton has been in hiding in an old black and white film up North after being told to "shut it" by East End boss Alan 'Pards' Pardew.

But a deal between Firm bosses Wenger and Pardew is unlikely given the violent bouts of 'handbags' and the moody 'previous' between the two villains.

The Newcastle hardman has told Joey Barton that he is "going nowhere" and will not be handed over to the cockneys to work down south for "The French ponce".

But Wenger is determined to offer Joey Barton an escape from his bleak Orwellian nightmare and has promised him freedom of speech and 80 grand a year.

Wenger is reported to have "lost it" after hearing about Pardew's threats and a 'face' at The Emirates claims Arsene grabbed his anorak from Pat Rice and stormed off shouting: "Get me my shooter. Some slags gonna get it".

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