Zapp: There'll only be one man. Me. How would you feel if I rode rear as your personal tail gunner?

Leela: Creeped out.

Zapp: Then it's decided.

[Scene: The next day. Close up on a sign that reads "Cape Knievel Flight Test Center". The camera pans down to reveal a plane resembling the old toy wooden airplanes and a Da Vinci style flying machine flying by. On the ground is the entire Planet Express ship crew with Zapp, Kif and Nixon's head around the ship.]

Leela: [stepping into the ship] Are you sure I have to sit in your lap?

Zapp: It'll help us achieve maximum thrust.

[Leela and Kif moan.]

Fry: [giving Leela a bag of trail mix] I made you some trail mix for the flight. [Leela takes it as Fry picks up a huge painting of himself in a robe smoking a pipe] Also this picture to remember me by.

Leela: You hold on to it. [kisses him] I'll be back soon.

Farnsworth: [scoffs] Activate stealth shielding.

[Farnsworth hits a button and the ship becomes invisible while Leela and Zapp remain visible.]

Leela: Liftoff!

Zapp: I'll rodger that.

[They take off as everyone watches.]

Fry: Did anyone else feel aroused and jealous and worried?

Bender: I haven't felt much of anything since my guinea pig died.

[Scene: Outer space. The ship takes off with Leela and Zapp. Leela presses a few buttons.]

Leela: Death sphere in range. Engaging holographic targeting. [presses a button and a hologram of the sphere comes up] Activating the Force.

Farnsworth: I don't like the looks of this "V-GINY." Does anyone recognize those call letters?

[Hermes searches through different ship designs on the holographic projector.]

Hermes: Nope. It's not in the Janeway's Guide either.

Farnsworth: Deciphering that ID code is critical. I'll be in the Chamber of Understanding.

[A glass dome is lowered over Farnsworth. A small disco ball is lowered from that. We hear muffled disco music coming from the chamber as the Professor taps his foot to the boogie beat.]

[Scene: The death sphere. Zapp and Leela approach the entrance.]

Leela: This is it! The moment we should've trained for!

[Leela pushes the control stick forward. When they get into the vulnerable opening, they are surrounded by black goo as well as many televisions showing such programs as √2 News, Everybody Loves Hypnotoad, a Slurm commercial, a Torgo's Executive Powder commercial, and All My Circuits. In the center of the sphere, a machine is firing black goop at some television screens including one showing "All My Circuits" and one showing a Slurm commercial.]

Leela: Holy cr—

[Before Leela can finish the phrase, the death sphere detects their presence and shoots.]

Zapp: Incoming yucky!

Leela: Firing pocket rocket!

[Leela pushes a button on the invisible control stick, which launches a rocket from the bottom. The rocket gets into the black goop, bubbles and disappears.]

Zapp: Don't panic, Leela! Go go go go go!

[They fly away as fast as they can from the second black goop attack.]

Transition Announcer: And now, back to The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan!

Zapp: [once again from the Bartley's logo] Chapter Two: "The Heat Thickens".

[Cut to: Zapp and the actress portraying Leela on what looks like a mysterious planet with the now crummy stealth fighter burning in the background. Zapp is on one knee seeing the Leela actress acting unconscious.]

Zapp: Leela, wake up! I can't face this mysterious planet alone without you or someone like you.

[Zapp attempts to resuscitate the fake Leela as we fade back to reality and see Zapp on the ground just blowing and the camera pans left to reveal Leela with her legs pinned under a huge log.]

Leela: Zapp? Zapp, wake up!

[As Zapp realizes he's kissing the grass, he gets up.]

Zapp: Leela? Where are we.

Leela: We crashed on an uncharted planet. When I woke up, I was pinned under this tree. Can you help me?

Zapp: [walking toward the tree] If anyone can move it, I can. [attempts to lift the tree but fails] No one can move it. Are you hurt?

Leela: No. But I'm so thirsty. This spacesuit is making me sweat like a sow.

Zapp: Me, too. We better strip them off and continue surviving au naturel.

Leela: Uh, I suppose so.

[Leela and Zapp strip while the camera carefully cuts before they reveal too much. The now nude Zapp approaches Leela with some leaves.]

Zapp: Here. We can cover ourselves with these sticky sap-covered leaves. I'll try to avert my eyes from your nudery.

Leela: You will? [turns to reveal she's already covered] Eh, what's the point? You'll have to look sooner or later.

Zapp: Well, I promise not to abuse the privilege. For now, I better scout around for food and water and help.

Leela: What a thoughtful and considerate thing to say. What the hell's wrong with you?

Zapp: I'm not quite sure. Perhaps it's the fresh air or a severe head injury. In any case, I'm off.

Leela: [as Zapp walks away] If you see any steaks, that'd be good!

[Scene: Planet Express meeting room. Fry is holding an open milk carton and smelling it. He puts it back in the refrigerator.]

Fry: Why isn't Leela back yet? [to Bender] Do you think she's okay?

Bender: How should I know? And how come you never ask if I'm okay? I'm feelin' a little neglected here!

Fry: Oh, sorry. Are you okay, Bender?

Bender: Shut up!

Hermes: What difference does it make? When that death sphere gets to Earth, we'll all be blown to Manwich meat!

Amy: Well, I guess it's time to indulge in some end-of-the-world debauchery. Who's up for an orgy?

[Everyone obliges excitedly, but then have second thoughts.]

Zoidberg: Maybe a Parcheesi tournament.

Farnsworth: Belay that Parcheesi tournament! I've identified the death sphere! We may yet have a faint hope of survival!

[The crew watches as the holograms of the satellites collide in a huge explosion and again in slow motion, which details how it became the death sphere called "V-GINY".]

Fry: [taking a piece of one of the satellites out of his hair] Granted, all that makes perfect sense, but why is this death sphere destroying planets?

Farnsworth: That makes the most sense of all. [Farnsworth puts up a projection of planets destroyed by the death sphere.] Look at the planets it's destroyed so far. First came XXX, the nude beach planet. Then Poopiter. [A planet labelled "#[email protected]€$!#%&" comes on screen.] And finally that world that can't be mentioned in polite company.

Fry: You mean...

[Fry whispers something to Farnsworth and the crew get angry at him for doing so.]

Amy: Aw!

Farnsworth: How dare you!?

Amy: Shame on—

[Farnsworth slaps Fry.]

Hermes: So the death sphere is "censoring" indecent planets?

Farnsworth: Indeed. And we're next if we can't keep it in our collective pants! Our sole hope is to persuade the people of Earth to abandon their smutty ways.

[We hear a whip crack. The camera cuts to reveal it was Amy in a dominatrix outfit.]

Amy: So the orgy's off?

[Scene: The uncharted planet. Leela is now laying down under the tree groaning.]

Leela: So thirsty. Why couldn't a water fountain have fallen on me?

[She hears rustling. Zapp approaches her with something in his hands.]

Zapp: I couldn't find any water. But the moisture in these fruit and nut berries should sustain you.

Leela: Thank you. [takes them and eats them]

Zapp: I climbed perilously high into the trees to pick them, yet I saw no sign of intelligent life.

[A wide shot of the planet is seen showing the true beauty of it. The camera zooms in on an apple on a tree. A snake slithers by it.]

Snake: Hello.

Leela: Did that snake say, "Hello"?

Zapp: No, we're both delirious from dehydration.

Snake: Just like Adam and Eve.

[Scene: The V-GINY is still on course for Earth.]

[Scene: Exterior shot of the New New York Library. The Planet Express ship flies there.]

Farnsworth (v.o.): We can still save Earth. People are sure to clean up their act when presented with cold hard facts by rational folks like us.

[The ship's hangar door lowers with the crew now in brown robes holding picket signs that say, "Shame on Everything!," "Sin No More!," "Judgement Day is at Hand!," "Bender is Great!," "The End is Nigh!," and "Repent!" Farnsworth also holds a bullhorn.]

Farnsworth: The end is near! Repent thy sins!

Sal: [giving money to Petunia] I'll thinks it overs while I engages this five dollar hooker.

Fry: [taking the bullhorn from Farnsworth] Don't do it! It's not worth it!

Zapp: Guess who just killed a woodchuck with his bare feet? [puts the wood down] I thought I'd whip us up some shelter, make this a little more like home.

Leela: I do miss the Earth terribly. I wonder if it's even still there.

Zapp: Let's find out together. I'll brave the ship's wreckage to fetch you the telescope. [exits]

Leela: That's so sweet.

Snake: I'm just sayin' is all.

[Scene: The Planet Express ship is flying over the water. The camera cuts to a volcanic island.]

[Caption: Lo'ihi Island, Pacific Ocean]

[The ship flies down to a ledge on the island as everyone exits down the stairs of the ship, still wearing brown robes.]

Farnsworth: I know my new plan is a long shot, but it's the only hope left.

Hermes: Well, now I've heard everything [the camera cuts to a closeup of his face revealing he has earbuds in his ears, which he takes out] on my eyePod. So, do you have a new plan, Professor, and is there any hope left?

Farnsworth: Indeed. We're here on Earth's last unspoiled acre to show the death sphere there's still purity in the world. Begin transmitting.

[Bender sets up a satellite dish and a camera.]

Farnsworth: Commence purity chant.

[Everyone forms a circle, holds hands, closes their eyes and begins chanting as the camera pans around the faces of the crew and stops on Fry.]

Fry: Hey, I'm proud of you, Bender. Avoiding sin for almost a full minute. [opens his eyes to reveal that Zoidberg is now holding his hand] Bender?

Bender (v.o.): Aw, yeah, baby. You're quite a dish.

[The crew looks behind the satellite dish. We hear female giggling. The camera cuts to reveal that Bender is sticking his plug into the satellite dish's input implying that he's having intercourse with the dish.]

Farnsworth: Bender, stop!! STOP!!

Bender: Aw, quiet, you riot. What's the worst that could happen?

[Scene: The V-GINY finally gets in Earth's targeting range. It fires the hellish blackout ray completely censoring Earth. The camera zooms back to reveal it in telescope view.]

Leela (v.o.): No!

[Scene: The Eden-like planet. Leela drops the telescope she was holding].

Leela: No! [sobs] Earth is gone! We're the only two humans left in the universe! [cries]

Zapp: Oh, God, I'm sorry, Leela. [comforts her]

Leela: Maybe —[sniffles] Maybe this was meant to be. Maybe you and I were meant to build a new world here.

Zapp: We can avoid humanity's mistakes.

Leela: Like the tuba.

Zapp: Yes. We'll be like Adam and Eve.

Leela: Only without the tuba.

Zapp: And we'll beget little Zapp Jr. and Leela Jr. and they'll have kids of their ow—Yecch! Is that really what happened in the Bible?!

Leela: It's a sick and twisted book of holiness all right.

Zapp: Then we'll write our own Bible, with less Sodom and more Gomorra.

Leela: Let's do it. I shall become the mother of a new world, trapped here under this tree. [reaches out her hand] The Tree of Knowledge! Look, it even has apples! [one falls down on her head] Ow! [she catches it with her hand] Wow! [she takes a bite and looks at Zapp seductively] Come here, Adam, partake of my forbidden fruit.

Zapp: Thee will be done.

[They embrace and kiss heavily.]

[Scene: The Eden-like planet. Zapp and Leela are still kissing.]

Leela: Wait! One more bite before we begin the begetting. [eats the apple] Mmm, juicy. Those nut berries you found were so salty, I—I couldn't think straight. [resumes kissing Zapp] I mean, not to belabor it, but they were as salty as that bag of trail mix Fry gave me. [has a thought]Exactly as salty. Hey! Wait a second! [pulls away from Zapp's embrace]

Zapp: Uh...woh...ih...Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiih—I have a terrible confession to make!

[Flashback: A naked Zapp goes to look at the destroyed ship, and takes out the trail mix]

Zapp (v.o.): You see, when I first went foraging, what I actually found was the smoldering wreckage of the ship. Ignoring all danger, I charged inside to liberate our provisions.

[Flashback ends.]

Leela: So this is the trail mix Fry gave me!

Zapp: Yes! I exaggerated when I said I picked it from the treetops. I just wanted you to think [sniffles] a little better of me.

Leela: Well, your motives were good. And we were both loopy from dehydration. [suddenly realizes] Hey, wait! You've been doing an awful lot of urinating!

[Flashback: A naked Zapp goes back to the ship taking out an indigo miniature refrigerator full of water bottles and drinks one.]

Zapp (v.o.): ...after I selflessly rescued the trail mix, I braved the flames once more in search of fluids.

[Flashback ends.]

Leela: Then why didn't you give me any?

Zapp: [sniffles] I though it might help you forget your intense hatred for me if you were a teensy bit delirious.

Leela: So you let me dehydrate while you washed down the trail mix with imported mineral water?

Zapp: Diiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaah, not exactly.

[Flashback: Zapp opens the fridge to reveal that there were many food items including a box of chocolates. He eats one.]

Zapp (v.o.): You see, besides the trail mix, the minibar also contained Doritos, beef jerky and a generous assortment of fine chocolates.

[Flashback ends]

Zapp: I wanted to offer you the chocolates, I truly did. But I was concerned about your waistline. Very concerned.

Leela: It's because I haven't been exercising. If only this tree hadn't fallen on me by chance. [realizes again] Oh, dear God!

Zapp: Gluuuuuuuuyiiiiiiiiiiiih, it was just after we crashed!

[Flashback: Zapp, fully clothed and unconscious wakes up]

Zapp (v.o.): I awoke first to find you trapped.

[The camera pans to reveal that Leela was trapped, but under a much smaller branch.]

Zapp: Leela. Leela! Wake up!

[He stands up and throws away the branch, gets an idea, and moves the huge log onto Leela's legs and drops on the ground.]

[Flashback ends.]

Leela: You could've moved this grub-infested log anytime you wanted?!

Zapp: Well, sure. But then I wouldn't have been able to provide the loving care you wouldn't have needed.

[Zapp lifts the log off of Leela's legs and Leela finally stands on her own two feet.]

Leela: I'd leave you to rot in this paradise if only the ship weren't destroyed! [realizes] The ship's fully functional, isn't it?

Zapp: Ee-iiiiiiiiiiiiiiih, you see...

[Flashback: Leela is seen fully clothed under the huge log, and Zapp is leaning on a tree smoking a cigar but then walks away.]

Zapp (v.o.): ...after re-trapping you and before feigning unconsciousness, I paused to enjoy a cigar. Though mellow and satisfying, it did parch me a bit. So I went in search of brandy. That's when my keen senses detected the still invisible ship.

[Zapp bumps into the ship, which becomes visible again.

Zapp: Ow!

[flashback ends]

Leela: So we can go back to Earth? But there is no Earth anymore! Everyone I know is dead! [sits down on the log and sobs]

[The camera pans left to reveal that Fry somehow got on the planet]

Fry: Ah, this seems like a good place to take a dump. [about to do his business but then sees Leela] Leela? You're alive! [runs to her]

Leela: Fry! [they hug] But how did you find this planet? [looks at Zapp menacingly] Well?