My Top 10 Movies That Should Never be Remade

When I read last week about how the long-delayed Logan’s Run remake might move forward yet again, I didn’t really care one way or the other. It was a marginal ’70s movie that I only have dim memories of so I have nothing against someone wanting to try and improve on it (because remakes are ALWAYS improvements on the original, right?).

But then I started thinking about the movies for which I’d march on Washington against their being remade (OK, maybe I’d just boo loudly from my couch) because it’d be all kinds of wrongness. Here are my top 10, in no particular order:

The Godfather. Marlon Brando made talking with cotton balls in his mouth seem intimidating; anyone else would come off ridiculous.

Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I’d put anything with Audrey Hepburn on this list since no one can ever step into her shoes (or black sheath dress, in this case), but since it’s too late for Roman Holiday—the 1987 TV remake with Catherine Oxenberg was atrocious—I’ll go with Tiffany’s. Also, though there are many different versions of “Moon River,” none is more heart-tugging than Hepburn’s in the movie.

The Crying Game. If you already know the bulk, er, twist in the story, what’s the point of doing another version? It’d also be really difficult to find someone else like Jaye Davidson to play Dil so convincingly.

The Matrix. It was mind-blowing when we first saw it. After all the copycats since, bullet time won’t look that impressive again.

His Girl Friday. I can’t think of any actress today who can talk as fast as Rosalind Russell, or tackle a man as effectively while wearing a pencil skirt and high heels.

Love Actually. Many storylines, characters, and actors converged serendipitously to make this perfect movie. Trying to juggle that many balls again with a different cast would be pushing their luck.

Waiting for Guffman. Everyone in that cast is a master at improv. It’s hard to imagine another group of actors who can match that level of comic brilliance.

Raiders of the Lost Ark. There ain’t nuthin’ wrong with it so hands off!

Love Story. You’re probably thinking “whaaaat?” but I have a soft spot for this. It’s one of the first movies I ever saw in a theater (I was 4 or 5) and I cried my little buns off. The leads are so pretty, the story so romantic and tragic. But Ollie or Jen wouldn’t get away with “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” today without audiences laughing at them.

Most of the classic movies should be left alone. The remake of REAR WINDOW was meh, as I expected, and much worse was the remake of BORN YESTERDAY. On her funniest day Melanie Griffith can’t touch Judy Holliday, while Don Johnson’s fake nerd is limp next to Bill Holden’s earnest intelligence.

HIS GIRL FRIDAY was a remake itself of THE FRONT PAGE, and was later redone again as THE FRONT PAGE, but Roz Russell and Cary Grant are untouchable in the roles of reporter and editor. It’s one of my all-time favorites.

Number one film that I never, ever want to see a remake of: BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID. That screenplay was so brilliant that any other can only suffer in comparison.

THE GREAT ESCAPE. Come on, Steve McQueen jumping barbed wire fences on a motorcycle? James Garner at the top of his game? Richard Attenborough, Charles Bronson, Donald Pleasence, James COburn, David McCallum and on and on. Could never repeat it.

Brett, you’re also so right about The Great Escape! BTW, AMERICAN CINEMATHEQUE LOS ANGELES is showing this classic on Father’s Day at the Egyptian Theatre. I’m thinking about taking my son with me to see it as it was meant to be seen. Thanks.

Eddy—I thought of LEBOWSKI since I agree there can never be another Dude, but I didn’t love the movie. Don’t hate me!

Naomi—I forgot GIRL was a remake of FRONT PAGE (which wasn’t nearly as memorable). They got it right with Russell & Grant and should just leave it alone.

Brett—If they tried to remake ESCAPE, it’d be THE GREAT BOMB.

Elizabeth—I considered this but only liked, didn’t love the movie. (Ack! Stop throwing rocks, y’all!) Ingrid Bergman ties with Audrey Hepburn for my favorite actress of all time but I think I saw CASABLANCA when I was too young to fully appreciate it. Mama exposed me to classics at a very young age so I probably need to see it again.

le0pard13—SABRINA has been erased from my memory so I can retain my sanity. I didn’t even bother seeing TRUTH ABOUT CHARLIE. And I love WHAT’S UP, DOC?! It made me laugh so hard I almost leaked from the wrong places.

Off the top of my head: The Magnificent Seven; Brigadoon; Singing in the Rain; Casablanca; Camelot; The Apartment; Some Like It Hot; Airplane; Dirty Harry; Bullet. There are plenty others but too long to list. It’s not a movie but has anyone noticed CBS is doing the series “Hawaii 5-0” this Fall? I mean…COME ON! Jack Lord is turning in his grave!

Some great titles on your list, Donna. And I hear you about Hawaii 5-0! Gah! Jack Lord is iconic in that role; Alex O’Loughlin just doesn’t do it for me. Have you seen the full trailer? What did you think?

Gone With the Wind. Along with all the great classics already listed here, some things should never be messed with. Like Jenn, maybe I just don’t like change! And funny how the theme music from many of these is so memorable as well. Ack, now I can’t get The Great Escape out of my head. I’ll just whistle along for the rest of the day…

Whether or not I like change depends on the situation. If my pants are too tight, I’d want to change out of them pronto. But if I make a wonderful friend, I’d hang on for dear life and hope that person never changes his/her mind about our friendship.

O.k., someone mentioned THE STING above, I’d agree whole-heartedly with that one. I’m also going to add another Redford great THE GREAT GATSBY. A&E tried to do a remake. *groan* Big Mistake!

Leave TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD alone. One of the few movie adaptations of books I truly appreciate. Gregory Peck was brilliant.

A BEAUTIFUL MIND. This is my favorite movie of all time. I’ve not ever seen such a profound approach to film from all parties involved: directors, producers, actors, EVERY. LAST. PERSON. They pulled off an amazing subject matter with utter beauty. And they didn’t try to do it with bells and whistles. It was just plain masterful.

I never saw that Gatsby remake but it doesn’t surprise me that it’s bad. And I knew you would mention Mockingbird! Regarding Beautiful Mind, I don’t think anyone else would be able to play Nash so well. Crowe was robbed!

Great list, Bailey! The Talented Mr. Ripley is sort of a remake of a French film called Purple Noon (both movies were adapted from the same book), which isn’t bad. Alain Delon is quite dashing in it. And though I loved the recent Hairspray, isn’t it kind of a remake of the non-musical Hairspray?