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Saturday, August 11

I'm Nervous and Conflicted.

Really, this is a post for me. Could be boring - may not want to read.

I'm so conflicted at the moment with my feelings. I have so many emotions running around my head, I am not sure how to really feel with the school year just around the corner.

1. I am excited and looking forward to going back to school. Not exactly to go back to 'working', but get back in the classroom. It's been a really, really rough road in our school for quite a few years. And last year? Basically, it was to just survive. But this coming year, we have new hope. New hope that I think is going to work. We have a new leader who is one that I've already been impressed with and one who seems to be a real Christian. One who sees this as our careers, but also sees that we have families, too.

I love teaching. I really do. But I think the excessive negativity and frustration throughout the past years had built so deep that I forgot that. And when I had Harper, I really didn't think I could do it.

But now this summer I've been able to really reflect and getting to know our new leader has helped as well. Hubby and I have had major, real conversations about this.

*My ultimate goal in my teaching career was to teach at a private Christian school.
That is not my goal anymore. My goal is to continue doing my best in a public school system. Hopefully, be a light to children who need me and maybe some adults. I WANT Harper in the public school system. I want her to be around kids who have more than her. I want Harper to help be the light to other children.

So now, my goal is to continue teaching in the public school system for now. I can't tell you where I will be in a few years. I've learned to not try and plan too far in advance :), but I know that I am so so so excited for this school year. I'm excited to be a 'school Mom' to 24 different personalities. I'm excited to be the teacher I know will make myself proud and one that I hope Harper will get the joy of having when it's her turn to go to school. I'm actually really excited for my 8th year of teaching - something I don't think I've been able to truly say in a few years...

2. I love Harper. I love the days, the times, the moments we've shared this summer. I've been so lucky to witness so much. I've been able to see Harper's personality grow. We've grown so close together. She has the best disposition ever. SO happy all the time. So sweet and easy going. Such a joy. I'm afraid she won't stay that way when I go back to work. I don't know why I think this. She'll be at the same home sitter she was at last year. They love her so much - it's so easy to see. But there will be new kids there this time around. Two babies who are younger than Harper. I'm worried that the babies will get the attention Harper once got from MeMe. I'm worried that Harper is now at the age to understand I'm not with her and that she will be upset. I'm worried that she will be bored or sad during the day and I won't know.

I'm worried to be without her all day.

But on the other hand, I want to utilize my teaching side, too.

We've already been back to work a lot. I've already missed a lot of time with Harper due to PD's, getting my room ready, home visits, etc. While I'm away, I miss her. But I feel peace about it. I get to continue teaming with Mary, and our whole team is excellent this year. As of now, it feels that everyone is going to do their part and help each other out. That helps so much. It helps knowing I have 2 other teacher-Moms on my team who relate to what I'm going through and can help put things in perspective. So, I've enjoyed working so far.

But then I feel a little guilty about that.

So what makes a good Mom? I think that's what I struggle with. Of course, you are a good Mom when you make choices that will better your family. But am I being a good Mom to go back to work? Would I be a better Mom if I just stayed home? But then if I stayed home we wouldn't be able to save for Harper's future and wouldn't get to give Harper as many opportunities as she could have. And maybe I would miss using my teacher side. There's my struggle. I think this is probably a struggle that will be a forever-struggle for many Moms. And I'm just at the beginning.

So, my confusion lies here: I am excited for the school year. But saying that makes me feel like a bad Mom. I don't want to leave Harper. Honestly, our days are so easy and fun. So much less stress than working. {and couldn't you just punch the people who tell you you are getting a 'break' when you go to work. HA!} But I am happy about getting back in the classroom.

7 comments:

Every year you will be conflicted.... it is part of being a mom and a working mom at that! I am sorry- but just know you are not alone and try not to feel guilty over your conflicted feelings. I am excited about your new principal- he came from Jessamine. I had met him a few times and everyone only had AWESOME things to say about him. I also met a little girl who is going to be in your class. She was in VBS at my church but right now I totally can't remember her name- AWFUL! I hope you have a great year and I am sure in a few years Harper will think your job is awesome- Ivy definitely thinks having a teacher mommy is the best!

Thank you for sharing such an honest and heartfelt post. While I've been staying home with Emerson, there is a good possibility that I will be returning to work when we move back to the States. When I think about it I go through many similar emotions that you wrote about in this post. It makes me feel better to know that there are other people feeling the exact same way. I pray that you have a wonderful school year and continue to feel peace about your decision. You are a great Momma and Harper knows that you love her more than anything in the world.

Megan-I think being "nervous and conflicted" just comes with parenting and I think it is a sign of being led my God and wanting to follow Him with your life. If there is ever a place you get to and you don't feel some "nervousness" about it then that might be a sign that you are too comfortable and Satan does not see any purpose in placing trials in your life. Does this make sense?

Like for us. We have chosen to homeschool our girls last year and will continue to do so this year. I absolutely without a doubt know this is what we are supposed to be doing. I have seen God's hand ALL over it and know it is something I would HAVE NEVER EVER decided to do on my own ( I was totally going to send my kids to public school!) But I still sometimes feel stretched and unsure and conflicted about my decisions. I think this is God allowing us to always have room to fall to our knees and led HIm lead. He allows us to sometimes be weak so he can be glorified.

Harper is a lucky girl and parenting is a HIGH calling. But your first calling is daughter of the King. If you know in your heart that He has called you to be a light to those precious students in your classroom then you have to follow. He will be there to pick up the pieces (even the ones you leave with Harper!)

It's so hard to go back to school even without kids at home - I can't imagine with kids! I'm excited for this new hope for you guys this year - what a fantastic way to start a new year! I'll be thinking and praying for you guys as you start back this week - I know you'll do a fabulous job being a mommy to Harper and a mom to your class! :)

You're not a bad mom at all for feeling excited. I like my job and I feel like it is definitely possible to succeed in your career AND as a mom. Plus, you are showing your daughter that she can have it all. What a great role model!

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I started blogging about my engagement life, then married life, and now life with a sweet baby girl! I love anything monogrammed, trashy RH series, and big ol bows for my baby girl! My favorite hobby is dressing my little H. Sit and stay a while!