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Jokes and Jokes and Jokes (none are my own)

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He lived. And with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again..

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guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."

--------------------------------------... Garden of Eden Story:

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.

God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like that cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

The rest is history.

--------------------------------------... Last in Line:

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet their maker, because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Heaven.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is. "I want to be gorgeous." So God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. By the time there are only ten people left, this one guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

So, the next time you are last in line.......smile! --------------------------------------...

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F." He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly. He again answered, "S-H-I-T." The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F." The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?" The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'

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NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE:

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it.

She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 Years?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

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HOW FAR Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking.... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo…….. can you see Florida...?????" --------------------------------------... CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor". She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" --------------------------------------... KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" --------------------------------------...

--------------------------------------... Ok there was this blonde. she was minding here own business, just walking along. When she saw it.........

A pure white steed...... With a Golden saddle and accessories....

Well the blonde had never ridden a horse before, and there was absolutely NO one to tell her that she couldn't...... "what the heck " she thought to her self, "I have always wanted to ride a horse before..."

So not easily, she some how got her self into position. "Hey this isn't so bad" she thought

But then something went terribly terribly wrong..... The horse started bucking.... Flinging the poor blond her hair got into here eyes and she couldn't see a thing... one of her feet came out of the stirrup! (She started screaming!!! For the horse to stop!! But it kept barreling on.

She saw her life flash before her eyes..... Her head stated bobbing and hitting the hard hard ground....

just then When she thought that her Life was at its end, when she thought her lif was DOOMED

The secuirity guard at wall-mart pulled the plug of the horse.

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How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

Scroll Down. --->

<----- Scroll Up.

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Q: Why did the Blonde have square boobs? A: She forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

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A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

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Q. Why are there so many blonde jokes? A. Because the blondes are out with all the men, the brunettes and redheads have nothing better to do on Friday and Saturday nights.

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Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two, one to hold the light bulb and one to spin the ladder around!

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Two blondes decide they want to go on a mission to the sun. So, they go to NASA?They go to NASA. They tell NASA that they need to borrow a space shuttle because they are going on a mission to the sun. The NASA guy says "you can't go on a mission to the sun, you'll burn up." The blondes reply "Duh, that's why we're going at night. ______________________________________...

A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many kinds and different fabrics of curtains. She finally picks out a pink floral pattern. The salesman asks, "What size do you need?" She says, "15 inch." He exclaims, "15 INCHES! What room are they for?" She says, "It's not for a room, it's for my computer monitor." The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not need curtains." The blonde says, "HELLOOOOO... I've got Windows!!"

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Men are like….Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are. Men are like ….Vacations. They never seem long enough. Men are like….Bank machines.Once they withdraw they lose interest. Men are like ….Weather. Nothing can be done about either one of them. Men are like….Blenders. You need one but your not quite sure why. Men are like….Cement. After getting laid, they take along time to get hard. Men are like….Chocolate Bars. Sweet,smooth, and they usually head right for your hips. Men are like….Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long. Men are like….Commercials. You can’t believe a word they say. Men are like….Department Stores. Their clothes should always be half off. Men are like….Government Bonds. They take so long to mature. Men are like….Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. Men are like….Lawn Mowers. If your not pushing one around, you’re riding it.Men are like….Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like….Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while. Men are like ….Snowstorms. You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long he will last.

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OKay a blonde in the doctors office and. So the blonde says"doctor doctor i just hurt myself and all my bones are broken see" the blonde touches her leg, "ouch" she touchees her chin "ouch" then she touches her leg "ouch i told you" so the doctor says he'll do an x-ray watever and he comes back and says" i have good news and bad news" the blonde says" Good news" then the doctor says"well the good news is every bone in your body isn't broken, but the bad news is your fingers broken" ______________________________________...

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

*Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

*Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

*Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

*When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

*Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

*After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

______________________________________...

Joke Dictionary

Gentleman: A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling. Gentleman: A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up Houswork: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it Mistress: Somthing between a mister and a mattress Megaherts: Hurts real bad! Chicken: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead ______________________________________...

What's the best way to force a man to do sit?ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.

Why did God create man before woman? Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.

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A man is lying in bed in hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young student nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

Finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a closer look and says,"There is nothing wrong with them."

Fnally the mans pulls off his oxygen mask and replies "That as very nice but, I asked ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"

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Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."