July 2008

About a month and a half ago, four bloggers linked up for a night out. The suspects include 31337, Modo, CB and Archer. CB did a very detailed write up of the night. Yes I did fall asleep at Galileo but that’s coz the seats in the VIP lounge were oh so comfy! (what’s with Kenyans and those three letters V.I.P?) Not the leather seats, but the large, round woven ones with a huge cushion? I’ve got to get me a couple of those for my digz. We tried to Kimunya privatize one through the window but it couldn’t fit. Ah well, legit it will be then.

CB tried to Kimunya privatize my pinky, later she wanted to dish me up when I was asleep, Modo was on handbag duty (LOL!!) and kept running to and fro checking if drinks were flowing, while 31337…well, he was just being himself causing a tsunami under his feet when he does that helicopter ya mguu dance. It was a great night!

Midfield Engine leaves the Bridge

claude makelele

I was sad to see Chelsea’s 35 year old veteran midfielder and unsung hero Claude Makelele leave the club on a free transfer and join Paris St. Germain. I’d hoped that Big Phil Scolari would be able to squeeze at least one more season out of him before letting him retire after a testimonial match.

Makelele unveiled by PSG

Makelele alias Maka was my second favourite player in the squad after Frank Lampard. There’s so much to say about arguably the best holding midfielder in recent history (he even had that specific role named after him) but you can read more about him here.

Along with Makelele, Chelsea have also gotten rid of a few players who have been deemed surplus to requirements i.e. Steve Sidwell (why the hell was he signed in the first place?) Khalid Boulahrouz and Hernan Crespo (released from contract) A few others might be on their way out i.e. Shaun Wright-Philips (to Portsmouth – please go!), Tal Ben Haim (to wherever!) and Frank Lampard (to Inter)– although I have to admit that Lamps is not thinking straight. If a former world and European Player of the Year Ronaldinho was offered a 3 year contract by AC Milan and he’s 28, just which idiot would sign a 30 year old player on a 5 year, 150,000 pound per week deal? Kuwa serious!

And of course there’s that wanker Didier Drogba. I hate this idiot. Really, I do. He may be the best of our useless strikers, but he ought to go. After severally announcing his intention to leave Stamford Bridge over the last two seasons, he hoped that some top European team (AC Milan) would come calling (but they didn’t, shock on your ass!) he said he’d take ten days to decide whether he’d stay or leave. Ten days came and went, and there was still no word. If you’re going, please go. Coz I’m tired of his nonsense and if I were Scolari, I’d allocate him to ground staff where hopefully he’d get his gelled hair tangled up in the lawnmower blades and eventually behead himself. Wishful thinking, wishful thinking.

Scolari ought to get rid of ALL the strikers with the exception of super-sub Salomon Kalou. Andriy Shevchenko, Claudio Pizarro and Nicolas Anelka are the biggest bunch of losers in world football and couldn’t even score 15 goals between them all season. Scolari ought to hijack David Villa from Valencia as well as Robinho from Real Madrid. Word has it that Samuel Eto’o is unsettled at Barca and is desperate for a move. If we sign these players, only then do I see Chelsea being capable of fighting for major honours this season. Our only competition is from Man United, and if they sign Berbatov from Tottenham Hotspur, we may as well let them keep the Premiership and the Champions League trophies for another season.

This season I’d like to see one or two young players from the youth team make it into the first team. Already there’s 19 year old Argentine (with Italian papers) striker Franco di Santo who seems ready to give the first team strikers a run for their money after his impressive debut for the first team during the current pre-season matches in China.

Raila Odinga’s goatee

Has anyone else noticed that Agwambo’s goatee has been shrinking over the years? Now it’s disappeared completely!!

Insult of the week

I mentioned before that Ms. Dildo is a bit on the big side. OK who am I kidding, she’s very much on the big side. One of the boys from upstairs came to my digz one day and found her there, and that started a lot of underhand jokes whenever I went upstairs to chill with them. But this one took the cake.

I’m sure that shagging her must be like driving an Actros bila power steering!

OUCH!!

(For those of you who don’t know what an Actros is, eh…it’s a Prime Mover!)

The second one added

Enyewe Archer vile unapenda ma Actros, unafaa kuitwa Bayusuf!

DOUBLE OUCH!!!

(If you didn’t get that one, you cannot be helped)

FOKOJEMBE OF THE WEEK!!

Chirau Ali Mwakwere

So, in between soliciting for chips funga on Koinange Street at dubious hours of the night, being annointed a Mijikenda elder and chanting his party slogan “Kamata kamata zipapa” (or something like that), does the “honourable” Minister for Transport, Chirau Ali Mwakwere, find any time to get any of his ministerial duties done?? Surely, even after COTU boss Francis Atwoli publicly asked Baba Jimmy to replace him with someone more efficient (super Minister John Michuki) during the Labour Day celebrations (much to the crowd’s pleasure) shouldn’t Mwakwere be trying hard to show that he’s not as lazy as we all know think he is? The transport system is in shambles and there’s been no sign of action from him. This man is the epitome of gross incompetence.

There are some tabias that I just don’t understand. Really. My ex and I have been working on whether we should attempt a reunion (we broke up 3 years ago) but that’s a story for another day, if I feel inspired to write it. Back in the day she always had this funny tabia of showing up for dates (including those intended to be very private and intimate) with escorts! Yaani friends.

I remember our anniversary back in early 2005, I had it all planned out. We’d spend some time indoors, I had an expensive bottle of wine that I’d bought in South Africa, including an expensive watch (which found its way to the bottom of Lake somewhere after we broke up) After that we’d go for a movie and nice cosy dinner in the evening abefore I dropped her home. But she showed up at my digz with three friends! WTF??? That totally messed up my plans. Which idiot does that?

But last weekend’s events took this shyte to a whole ‘nother refo (level)

Friday evening about 6:30pm I was in the library (yes I’m focused like that!) when she called.

Her: Sema, where you at?

Arch: Library.

Her: well, I’m somewhere in your vicinity, what time are you going digz?

Arch: I’m almost done, so I’ll be leaving in kedo thate minutes.

Her: sawa, I’ll meet you at your digz in 40 min.

Arch: Great. See you then.

So I packed up my books and left the library, but somewhere along the way I got derailed by a pal to have one-two Tanyes at the local to usher in the weekend. I thought we’d be there for just a few minutes, but I wasn’t really worried about keeping her waiting considering the fact that my ex has got to be the worst time-keeper in the entire universe! She’s worse than me! If she says she’ll be there in 40 minutes, just double that time to be on the safe side. So there we were happily sipping on our Tuskers when she called again. Said she was approaching my digz so I should hurry up.

“What beats having a nice cold beer and assured strokes?” I thought to myself.

….then she mentioned that she was with a couple of friends.

Arch: “What? Why? How many pals?”

Her: “Just a few. Relax, we’re just passing by!”

Now what is this? She still pulls those stupid stunts? Then she’ll have to wait till I’m done with my beers. So I kept her waiting for a few more minutes. Then I got a phone call from my neighbour.

Neighbour: Archer, there are EIGHT women in my house! Can you come and get them out!

Arch: What do you mean eight women? And what are they doing in your house?

Neighbour: Si this mama of yours has kujad with her entourage! Come sort out your shit in a rush!

EIGHT WOMEN?? Seriously, what on earth am I supposed to do with 8 chics? Considering that my digz can only accommodate three people at a time. Lemme give you the layout of my living room. It has a carpet and a one piece sofa, yaani ya mtu mmoja. Fullstop. If I throw in the plastic chair from my study table, which means about three people can fit in my living room. Now with 8 women, how on earth was I supposed to handle all that?

So I dragged my pal (and his pal) and decided to see what we could do about the situation. We got home to find all eight of them women dressed up for the weekend. We watched as they fought for the sofa and the plastic chair. How four of them managed to ensconce themselves on the sofa, I still have no idea. But they did it and claimed to be comfortable, huku I’m slightly embarrassed that some of my (unwanted) visitors had to sit on the floor. But that was really stupid, coz she knows how small my flat is and she should have taken that into consideration before inviting her entire battalion along.

Besides, my digz is MY digz, not ours and definitely not yours. Who gave you the authority to bring your pals here?

So there they sat, looking around, giving me that look of “ok we’re here, so now?” I figured that if you guys were simply passing by, you’ve already accomplished that objective. Now kindly leave my house and go to where you were dressed up to go. Then the ex calls me sideways and asks if I would be kind enough to buy a bottle of something to start off the night.

FOR EIGHT WOMEN?! Are you nucking futs?!

My pals were already assessing the chics and strategizing over their chipsing agendas for the night. So they figured why not, let’s get some liquor! Only that I’m the only one who fronted the cash. I had to buy the liquor, plus feed them too before they got high too fast and puked all over my carpet. There was this one who really irritated me to the point where I wanted to slap her proper! She just kept on bitching about everything! She kept on scrolling through my MP3 player (that’s also masquerading as my home theatre entertainment system, and for those who love making fun of Pinky {I won’t name names, but Xs you know yourself!} here it is, only that it’s pink! I really don’t give a shit about what anyone calls it, it’s been called lip gloss, butt plug among many other insults but the fact is that it scored the highest rating (92%) of any Sony MP3 player in production at the time I bought it. (But no, I don’t say!)

Do I look like the sort of idiot who would listen to Lil Payne or whatever shit he calls himself? Is he that incredibly ugly midget with many tattoos all over his face (probably to distract attention from his ugliness) and walks around with his trousers around his knees and mumbling incomprehensible stuff? If so, he’s one of three people whose voices make me want to take a massive dump right there and then. The other two are Kalonzo Musyoka and Robert Nagila. I think the three of them should do a collabo which I could use to smoothen things along just in case I should suffer from constipation.

Lil Wayne: wringywringydraaaaaaaaawlsuckonmylaaawlipop

Kalonzo: WIPER!! National healing!

Nagila: It awwnly remaaayns to be seeeiyn whether Keeeeymoooonya will rezoooooign

Kalonzo: WIPER!! I speak prophetically!

Lil Shit: Shut up b*tch…swallow!

Anyway, a couple of hours later, my pals had to leave (after they decided against chipsing any of them women) and so did a few of the girls. Good. But that still left me with the ex and three of the others. Huku I’m thinking, I have a CAT in the morning and a couple of research assignments due the very next morning. We drank until midnight until I could no longer hint to them that they ought to leave my house, and I asked them straight up to finish up and bounce. I was already under the influence so I figured I might as well bench any ideas I had of studying for my paper and finishing up my research assignments. So if the ex could get rid of the remaining two women, we could move on to other things, those of the horizontal agenda. But no! She decided that they would all leave together!

What? After wasting my money and more importantly my TIME, you suddenly decide that you’re going to leave? Seriously, in that state there was absolutely no way I could get any work done so she might as well sleep over and I’d wake up early to try and salvage whatever I could ahead of the paper. But she insisted that they were leaving, so they did! And boy was I seriously upset!!

After cleaning up my little house a few minutes later, my ex called and asked why I was upset, and I explained the whole situation and how they’d properly fucked up my night and that I was not amused. The least that she could have done is sleep over. We had a bit of a tiff then I hang up on her. She sent me a brief text shortly after saying

“I’m coming back so we can talk”

Hey, at least this whole night won’t amount to nothing! I’m a still get laid!

Then…….SHE SHOWED UP WITH HER PALS YET AGAIN!!!!!!!!

*******slaps forehead repeatedly with left hand while plucking chunks of hair out with right hand********

So why did you have to come back with them? For what? Surely, even you think sometimes! What have they come back for?

“They couldn’t get transport back to their place so we had to come back!”

So how exactly is that my problem? At least this time they returned with two bottles of liquor. This could have been viewed as a good thing, but given the fact that I really didn’t want them there, it wasn’t!

Since their transport plans had nashed, guess who had to organize sleeping arrangements for them as well!!!!! I had to wake up my neighbour and ask him whether they could crash in his spare room. And he wasn’t too pleased with me the next morning coz they took their dramatics there. I’ll spare you the details of what happened upstairs coz I couldn’t make out what he was saying in between “Fuck………Archer…..kumbafu……stupid women…..never again!”

The next morning, the neighbour whose flat they’d initially camped at also came hurling insults at me coz apparently one of them stole an expensive make up kit and she was not amused at all.

Then, the ex pulled some more stupid shyte on Saturday night as well!

Such mannerisms are part of the reasons that made us break up three years ago and I’d hoped that she eventually grew up and stopped doing this shit but evidently I was mistaken. Her chapter has been closed officially. Such a pity coz the strokes were quite on point, and she’s got the most amazingly perfect body that I’ve ever laid eyes on.

In other news…

Speaking of strokes, eh…Ms Dildofinally won….(ahem)…severally. I could only dodge her for so long and her persistence finally paid off. Only that she did turn out to be psycho, she almost attempted suicide a couple of weeks ago and generally pulled some schizo shit on my ass. So her chapter is closed as well! Two less clandes to worry about. I was beginning to feel a bit oversexed and honestly, I could do with a break sans the drama.

A.O.B

1. BMW’s new generation 2009 F-01 BMW 7 Series was launched last week in Moscow. Stay tuned for the review.

2. 80,000 hits and counting. Thank you readers!

3. I finally got bored of the black theme, so we’re back to the orinjino one.