I feel like it’s been awhile since I’ve written about sex — I’ve been so stuck in my “corruption/people suck” phase that I almost forgot what this blog is really about. S.E.X.

Or maybe it’s because I’ve been having so much sex lately (jk kinda) that I almost feel awkward writing about it because I feel like someone is going to tell on me (knowing the Persian community, they’re probably three steps ahead of all that).

Hey joonies, hope you all had a wonderful weekend. We wanted to start this week off with a special post by our new, infamous contributor… JAMES BOND:

.I wanted to start this post off by telling you the Wikipedia definition of sex: “Sex is a process of combining and mixing genetic traits, often resulting in the specialization of organisms into a male or female variety.” I’m just going to keep it real:

the point of having sex is to orgasm

(which is the most beautiful and amazingly pleasurable feeling in the world. And if you can’t relate to this, then that really sucks for you).

Now let me tell you the Iranian girl’s definition of sex: “SEX is holy like the Bible/Quran. SEX is an insurance policy: it protects your relationship (for some time).” So basically these girls think that as long as you have the insurance policy (sex), you will have a MAN in your miserable life. Of course, until SHIT HITS THE FAN, and even then- the “sex insurance policy” will not keep him from leaving your psycho ass.

I love Persian girls. They are the most beautiful CREATURES in the world. You can’t live with them and you can’t live without them. Iranian girls are the most complicated, complex, convoluted, puzzling females species to walk this planet. I guess girls in general fit this profile, but when it comes to sex specifically, Iranian girls are the most complicated/puzzling.

For your benefit, I have categorized them into 3 types based on a low to high percentage:

1) First we have the Bronze Category or 3rd place (which in my opinion doesn’t cover a high percentage of Iranian girls, but unfortunately they do exist). GET READY, DRUM ROLL, and ACTION:

They are saving their vaginas for marriage.

innocent little virgins.

Ok… “WHAT the FUCKKKKK?!!” I have never understood these type of girls and unfortunately, I do know a few of them so you know I am not talking out of my ASS/KOOON. I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what goes on in their head. I would like to say a CRAPPP-LOAD of nonsense. Look, by the time you are married, lets say you are in your late 20s and you’ve been waiting your whole life to have sex. By the time you are actually going to enjoy it and not feel the virgin penis pain,GOD knows where your relationship stands.

I believe that a happy, healthy and comforting relationship has a lot to do with GOOD sex- I’m going to say… at least 40% of your relationship relies on sex. Therefore, when you are so desperate for marriage and don’t have any sexual experience then chances are… before your sex life finally gets good (or at least up to par and calm down women, I ain’t talkin’ like pornstar sex), your relationship is probably going to be miserable, unhappy, sad, sorrowful, and a bit depressing (no one wants to fuck a girl who just sits on top of you looking scared). So yes, this is the first group Iranian girls. Don’t worry guys, they only cover less than 10% of the Iranian girl population (thank fucking God).

2) Next is my favorite group of Iranian girls (or girls in general): the SILVER Category or 2nd place.

These girls LOVE and ENJOY every minute of sexual intercourse

she knows what she wants.

… INCLUDING (but not limited to): ORGASMS/EJACULATION, HOT SEX, blow jobs, 69, DAWWGGYYY STYLE (not trying to be too graphic, but I just needed to make my point). They aren’t saving their prideful virginity for marriage or some other type of “fairytale” miracle. They have sex to orgasm because they know how fucking awesome it is. I really don’t need to elaborate much with this category- its pretty self-explanatory and fabulous. They are out there… but unfortunately, I’d say its only another 10% of the Iranian female population that belongs to this category.

3) DRUM ROLL PLEASE…. and now I’ll let Bruce Buffer will do the honor: “Last but not least is the GOLDCategory or 1st place. Now the “Gold” girls are the most interesting, fascinating and complex species out of all the Iranian girl categories. I get excited when I talk about this particular group of Irooni girls.

They are insecure and very desperate for a relationship.

THESE are the girls who view sex as an “insurance policy…” to keep them in the relationship.

Please stay with me.

How SAD and MISERABLE! And sadly, a high percentage of the female species belong to this group, but today I’m only covering the Iranian portion of it. Personally, I consider myself a GIVER, which basically means that I’m all about giving pleasure (not to anyone) So when you are having sex JUST to “insure” your relationship- this means that the LAST thing you are thinking about is having an orgasm. All you are focusing on is keeping your man. This is the most disgusting/unheard thing I’ve ever seen girls do. YES, I AM BITTER AND DISGUSTED because the only reason anyone should ever engage in 69’ing or DAAAWWGYYY style (minus the view) is to have a fucking orgasm.

Don’t just do it to make sure your boyfriend sticks around– just because you haven’t had an orgasm doesn’t mean you can’t. It just means you haven’t figured out the right position, or the right move. And yes “JOONIES”– a guy canNOT give you an orgasm until you know how it has to be done FOR YOU… we all need a little guidance here and there.

I get it. I know you want to make sure you get MARRIED at the right age …. or whatever else excuse you have for sticking with your sex-confused partner… but

YOU ARE SO DESPERATE TO BE WITH A POTENTIAL HUSBAND THAT YOU SACRIFICING AN ORGASM AND AN ULTIMATELY HAPPY/HONEST RELATIONSHIP.

This is absolutely the most repulsive category and unfortunately, it comprises about 80% of our Persian girl population.

Lastly, Iranian girls, I’m going to leave you with a few words of #wisdom: having an orgasm is amazing, its the peak pleasure of sex, its like an explosion inside your body. It feels great and yeah, it might take awhile till you get there- but once you do… it feels like you have absolutely no control of your body for that one moment (but in a good way).

And EVEN BETTER: it cures things like tension, stress, and acne- THAT’S RIGHT!

So please, get out of your miserable none orgasmic relationship and have ENJOYABLE sex- WITH orgasms. Experience the most amazing feeling in the WORLD. And for God’s sake, at least accept the fact that BLOW JOBS or GETTING EATEN OUT is not “gross.” Honestly, its like the appetizer to the main course: the ORGASM.

Trust me it will help you reach the peak pleasure of SEX quicker.

Disagree? Do you REALLY think its worth being in an “orgasm-less” relationship? TELL ME WHY:

Joonies: We promised nothing would be off limits (and we stay true), so here we go…we’re anticipating some hate-mail for this one #LEGGO!

We’ve all heard it before: “Don’t stop baby.” After choking, eyes tearing, its like no one else in the world exists until he is satisfied. That’s right joonies, you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about:

BLOW JOBS.

I was 15 years old when this hot senior at my high school and I drove to a secluded parking lot (yeah I started early, don’t judge). We moved to the backseat of his car and after maybe ten minutes of kissing, he said, “What do you think? Are you ready to try it?” I was an impressionable tenth grader and throughout my life, I was repeatedly told that sex is BAD, sex is for MARRIAGE. So what’s the next best thing for a guy- after sex? GIVING HEAD. I was ready to shed my dorky junior high school girl image and finally hook up with someone sexy, an upperclassman.

In the Backseat…

So, Hot Senior put on the Dr. Dre CD (I know- so ghetto), and after ONE FUCKING HOUR, I was still moving my head up and down… stopping every 3 minutes asking if I could be done yet. His response? “Don’t stop, baby.” I remember thinking, “Arite, I’m not your fucking baby, and not only is my neck stiff as hell, but my throat hurts… and WHY ARE YOU SO HAIRY?!” Oh- did I mention Hot Senior is Persian? (Of course).

Regardless of his ridiculous, un-kept pubes, and the forever ruined Dr. Dre CD, this was a pivotal moment for me. It signified me stepping up from dorkdom to experienced, little Persian girl.

Having been a virgin until age 20, I often replaced sex with blow jobs- and NO, not what you’re thinking: NOT “every guy I ever hooked up with,” ONLY with the guys I dated… or was too drunk to care (… jk… kinda). But seriously, giving head was a way to maintain my virgin status without having to bend over and have anal sex or actually lose my virginity. Finally, I could do something that my strict as shit Iranian parents hadn’t specifically forbidden me from doing, right? WRONG. My Persian mother was your typical run-of-the-mill crazy, nosy woman who took it upon herself to listen to my phone conversations behind the door, snoop through my computer and read my diary (yeah I wrote in it once every other blow job).

Mind Ya Business Mom!

When I was 18 years old, my motherkicked me out of the house for about one week because she found out that I had engaged in some “not so innocent” dick sucking activities. Her response? “Just because you haven’t had intercourse doesn’t mean you are a virgin.”

THIS IS WHERE SHE WAS WRONG. Joonies… SEX DOES NOT STAND FOR SUCKING DICK. Yeah I know, its technically oral sex, but intercourse is intercourse- it doesn’t mean you put someone’s privates in your mouth. It doesn’t mean that some guy attempted to give you an orgasm by slobbering all of your vagina (sidenote: why are WE expected to give head when SO many guys care barely work their way around down there)?

GENEROUS.

I’m definitely not encouraging that you should go open your mouth to every guy you meet. But calm down:

Just because you’ve given a blow job or two, does not mean you are slutty and it sure as hell does not mean you ARE NOT a virgin.

As for our crazy parents, we grew up in a different generation, a different WORLD. Yes, my mother freaked the hell out and attempted to “teach me a lesson” by kicking me out of my house but, ultimately, our standards compared to the traditions that our parents were raised with are different. I know that I will not be having my husband chosen for me. In fact, I already know that I won’t be a stay at home mother, or a top chef.While that may be hard for them to comprehend, it doesn’t mean that we are doing anything wrong. It is natural to want to experiment and try things out that seem new and exciting.

And yes as hard as it is to believe, it is natural to engage in oral sex.

(but even more natural for guys to do all the work, just saying).

And boys… I’m sure you are ALL about this post- “Yeah baby! Now girls are going to start giving head everywhere!” But, if you expect ME to go down on YOU- then do yourself a favor and follow these rules:

1. Don’t shave, but trim. No one likes pubes getting stuck in their braces… or down their throat.
2. Don’t push my head down. I’m not a robot, if you are SO lucky to get your dick sucked by ME, then I’ll do it at my own pace, k? Thanks.

3. Don’t ASK me to do it. If I want to do it, I will. When you act all bitch-ass and whiney, pleading for head, chances are I’m turned off and ready to go home.

And joonies, you know we’ve all had this experience. In fact, for those of us who end up losing our virginity at some point in our early lives, we probably started at least 3 years before that with blow jobs. Its just a part of life… and after a few years, it can even start to grow on you.

Disagree? Are sex and BLOW JOBS both sacred?
Are you ready to tell me to shut the F up?!