Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Well, as soon as I say it doesn’t look like much snow, the Higher Power decided to give me 20 inches of snow in a nightmare blizzard. And while I will be watching How The Grinch Stole Christmas….

I Am Of Course Talking About The Cartoon, Not The Live Action Film That Pissed Me Off

Anyway while I will be watching that cartoon this Christmas season, I will also be watching this crappy movie during the winter season. Why would I waste my time with a killer snowman that you know nothing good can come out of it? Well, it is one of those movies that are so bad that they are fucking awesome. Now before I begin this review, I can’t say too much about the cast, but I can say this movie was a first for one lovely lady, the one named Shannon Elizabeth.

Yep…..She Was Nadia From American Pie

But since that is over, let’s get on with the movie.

We start this movie with seeing a Christmas tree while a little girl asks her Uncle Henry to tell her a happy, scary story. With much confusion at the beginning, Uncle Henry decides to tell her the story of Jack Frost.

Basically this is the way to explain this movie’s story without doing an hour of showing us what Jack Frost did. In the story, Jack Frost killed people through graphic ways and he could not be caught because he never stayed in one place long enough to be caught. However, Jack Frost decided to be a moron on put some of his victim’s body parts in the pies where he was working at. This allowed people to establish where he worked and were able to trace his car. Eventually, Jack got caught, tried and sentenced to die. In fact, tonight is going to be the night that he does die.

We then transition to a truck that has Jack Frost in it, heading to the place of his execution. No offense, but why do we have to travel just minutes before his execution to the place of his execution. Wouldn’t it be much easier to you know, hold him up at the same place instead of dealing with transferring one guy from prison to the place of execution? Anyway, the guys driving are having a hard time driving sense it is snowing really bad.

The driver tells his passenger (not Jack Frost) that Jack is one lucky son of a bitch. When the passenger asks why since he will be executed soon, the driver states that he won’t have to drive back through this storm after the execution. The passenger then jokingly yells “Deep Fried Jack” and that he will be served at midnight. We then finally see what our killer looks like and….

Run!!!! It’s Billy Zane!!!

No actually it is Scott McDonald, but enough with that because we need to get back to the movie. Jack decides to have a nice conversation with the officer that is really interesting.

The officer then decides to taunt Jack by breathing a puff of smoke into his face. This of course is not smart as Jack decides to kill the officer by crushing the officer’s windpipe with his foot.

Of course, the truck passes the town of Snomonton and the driver makes a joke about this is where Jack got caught. We get more back-story that he was caught by the sheriff of Snomonton and they basically make fun of this sheriff by saying he gets all the glory as if he didn’t earn it.

Meanwhile on the same road, another truck is also cruising along. But instead of carrying a prisoner, this truck is carrying dangerous experimental chemicals. The cars about to crash with each of the people driving saying no while Jack decides to break the fourth wall by looking into the camera and say…

Oh Yeah

Oh Yeah!!!

The two trucks crash and while almost everyone is screaming about the disaster they are in, Jack decides to think this is fun with his reaction.

After the crash, only the driver of the execution vehicle is alive and goes to check on the officer in the back as well as Jack Frost. The driver sees that the officer is dead and when he turns around; his worst nightmare has come true.

Jack: Looks Like Deep Fried Jack’s Off The Menu For Tonight.

Jack tries to intimidate the driver when the chemicals from the other truck explode out of the truck.

Then Jack has another classic line before that stuff naturally comes splashing onto him.

Jack: This Is Gonna Hurt

The chemicals then fall on Jack and he starts to melt.

I would make an Incredible Melting Man joke, but since this was not done by Rick Baker, it is not that good of a melting job. We see that Jack has combined his DNA with the snow and he escapes by sliding away (and by that, I mean Jack Frost went under a carpet and moved around a bit).

We are then introduced to our main character Sam, who is the backwaters sheriff they were talking about earlier who caught Jack Frost. We then see that Sam is not really the glory hound everyone portrays him as, but instead he is scared of Jack Frost and is thankful that it turns midnight because in his mind, Frost would be executed at that point.

His wife tries to calm him down by saying that Jack Frost is now dead and will never anyone again. Oh yeah, and she mentions that her husband has nightmares about Jack Frost. And while Sam laughs, he goes back to the day that he caught Mr. Frost. He saw a parked car in the woods and he saw Mr. Frost taking a piss in the woods. Sheriff Sam then decides to not know what the hell he wants when he asks for Jack’s driver’s license while staying away from the car. Jack decides to give Sam lip and Sam (as well as all of us) can sense that this guy is fucking crazy.

Yeah, It Wouldn’t Take A Rocket Scientist To Determine This Guy Is Dangerous.

Sam then draws his gun and tells Jack to assume the position. Jack does so and tells Sam that he is going to regret arresting him. We then go to after the trial where Jack has been convicted and will be executed, he keeps jawing with Sam and threatens to find away to kill him and his whole family.

You Know What, With A Face Like That….I’m Not Surprised Our Main Character Has Nightmares

While thinking about all of this, his wife snaps him back to reality and shows him that there is traffic thanks to an accident. He tries to ask what is going on since he is, you know, a sheriff. However, the officer doesn’t care and tells him to go on his merry way.

We are then introduced to Agent Manners who is trying to figure out what is going on. The driver of the execution wagon tries telling people that Jack Frost turned into snow and ran away. Agent Manners asks the driver to take a walk with him and the driver asks him to hold his hand. Manners, not being a nice guy, decides to walk away as the guy follows.

The next day, the radio talks about the car crash and we see that Sam was clearing the driveway before heading to work. His son (who by the way is an annoying bastard and you will want him to die throughout this entire film) makes him some of his “oatmeal” and Sam decides to have his son put it in a plastic bag. Oh yeah, the kid (whose name is Ryan) also asks who Jack Frost was and Sam says Jack was a bad man who he put away. Ryan and Sam’s wife, Anne, call Sam a hero while the father is just humble by saying he only helped to put the man away.

We then see the town of Snomonton has a big snowman building contest this year in front of the town hall. We are introduced to many of the characters in this town like…

Jake Metzner…..Who Is Very Religious And Superstitious Enough To Think That If He Shows His Snowman Now, He Will Lose Because Of Bad Luck.

His Daughter Jill (Played By The Lovely Shannon Elizabeth In Her First Movie Role)

Sally, Jake’s Wife Who He Treats Like Complete Garbage.

Jake’s Son Billy (Who We Will Later Learn Is A Bully)

Tommy (Who We Later Learn Is Dating Jill)

We also learn that he is the son of….

Paul Davrow, Our Resident Store Owner.

I guess before I should continue, I should mention that this movie was too cheap to get fake snow that looks like fake snow so instead they got white plastic shavings instead. Oh yeah, between Tommy and his dad Paul, we get the same damn joke, just done in different ways.

Tommy: You know what the difference is between Snowmen and Snowwomen are?(Sam walks away)Tommy: Snow Balls!!!!

Paul: You know what the difference is between a snow man and a snow blower is?Sam: Yeah, I’ve heard this one already…

We then see a scene between Tommy and Jill as Jill is flirting with Paul’s son. Sam finally gets to the police station and originally decides to throw the “oatmeal” away, but hears his son’s voice and decides to keep the “oatmeal” in the car. You may be wondering why I am using quotation marks on the word “oatmeal)” and you will find out that answer much later in this film. Sam enters and we are introduced to yet another character.

Sam’s secretary, Marla.

Marla does not seem happy and Sam seems to wonder with her unhappy look, that if someone died. She then decides to instead of telling him, give him a post-it note.

Classic….

We meet two more characters in Deputy Foster and Deputy Pullman as they, along with Sam look over the dead and frozen body of Old Man Harper.

Basically the two deputies tell Sam that they have no clues on anything happening, not even a struggle. Sam decides to tell his two deputies to keep Harper’s death hush-hush. When Sam gives instructions to his two men, he tells them that he has to make sure of something. Sam calls the FBI and of course, we get Agent Manners responding.

Agent Manners assures Sam that Jack Frost is dead, despite hearing about strange things going on. While Sam thinks that it is all over, Manners thinks that it has just started and we are introduced to the guy who worked with the experiment in Stone.

Stone is freaked out while Manners calms him down by telling him that at least the experiment worked. Stone smiles for a minute, but Manners decides to shoot down his smile as saying it is a shame that it had to work on a serial killer in Jack Frost.

We are then introduced to Doc Peters, who says that the killer must have been inhumanly strong to do something like what happened to Harper.

Back at Sam’s home, Anne gets out of her car and sees that there is an unfinished snowman in her yard. Anne asks Ryan about the snowman and Ryan doesn’t know what she is talking about. Anne doesn’t care who made it, but wants it complete so she gives her son some coal and a carrot. Oh yeah before all of this, Ryan made another mess trying to make cookies. An Iron Chef this kid is not.

Back at the sheriff’s office, the town folks know that Old Man Harper was killed and want to start a lynch mob to find the killer. When everyone leaves, Deputy Foster tries to hit on Marla and immediately gets rejected.

Back to the snowman and we see Ryan is building it. He creates the mouth and we see that the mouth has teeth in it.

Ryan almost completes the snowman when Billy the bully shows up with a few of his friends. He tells Billy that the snowman is in the way of the slope and when Ryan tries to say that it is his yard, Billy intimidates him and threatens to kick his ass. Billy then compliments Billy on the snowman before knocking his head off. Billy taunts Ryan some more as one guy decides to start sledding and we see that the snowman is not happy about having his head knocked off.

You Made The Snowman Angry, You Won’t Like Him When He’s Angry.

The snowman comes to life and pushes Billy right into an oncoming sled. The blades from the sled cut Billy’s head clean off.

We Also Get A Nice Shot Of Billy’s Head Flying In The Air.

The other bullies think Ryan killed Billy and we see that Billy is trying to say the snowman did it.We then see officers taking Billy’s body away as Jake is pissed and blames Ryan for his son’s death. Sam defends Ryan by saying that Billy was definitely taller than Ryan and Ryan wouldn’t have been able to push Billy so far enough to get his head cut off by an oncoming sled. Jake is still a douche bag and threatens to say this isn’t over.

Back at the house, we see that Sam received death threats from Jack Frost through notes and Anne can’t believe he keeps all those notes. Anne assures Sam that Jack Frost is dead and he only exists now in his head. They hear a sound and when they open the door, they see that it is just Paul trying to deliver salt. There are also jokes about the fact that Sam shoots horribly.

At the Metzner’s house, Sally tries to talk about the Christmas tree, but Jake is still being an asshole over his son’s death. He even treats Jill like garbage when she decides to go out with Tommy instead of groan about Billy’s death like he is doing. Jack decides to go out to get more wood for the fire and leaves the house.

Oh No, The Killer Snowman Is In The Metzner’s Yard. He Better Have Earplugs So He Doesn’t Have To Hear Jake Groan

Jake tries to smoke, but we hear Jack Frost’s voice asking if he can have a smoke as well. This startles the asshole and he looks to see who it is. He immediately thinks it is Sam coming to apologize, but it isn’t. Jake grabs the axe while Jack Frost is taunting him and when Jake tries to look past the snowman, the snowman grabs the axe. Instead of cutting his head off like normally happens, he shoves the axe handle directly down Jake’s throat.

Before entering the house, Jack makes another pun.

Jack: God, I only axed you for a smoke

Jack enters the house and it takes a while for Sally to realize something is wrong.

Nope, Doesn’t Realize It Yet

Now She Realizes It.

Unfortunately for her, it is too late as Jack decides to give her an extremely painful death.

Paul decides to enter and sees all of this and all Jack has to say is this.

Jack: Ho ho ho, and what’s your name, little boy?

This of course freaks the hell out of Paul who runs away screaming. Jack grabs the scarf before leaving.

We then see the officers looking over Sally’s body and Foster tells Sam that he was only coming to apologize. Pullman on the other hand, makes a joke asking to leave her up for Christmas. Sam goes back to his office and he meets Manners there. Of course, this being Jack Frost, we have an interesting piece of dialogue for this scene.

Sam: Marla, I want you to call around, and get a hold of Jill Metzner. Oh, call the FBI in Denver, too. Some asshole named Manners.(Sam sees Manners at the desk)Sam: Who are you?Manners: I’m the asshole.

Sam is then introduced to Manners and Stone and they are wondering about the latest murder victims. He asks about MVs and Sam immediately things MV means motor vehicle, but instead it means murder victim. He tells Sam that if his suspicions check out, he will have a task force up here very soon. When Sam asks if the case is off his hands, Manners tells him it was never in his hands. Marla then makes Sam feel better by saying that Manners is an asshole when the two guys leave.

Back at the Metzner’s house, Stone is checking a puddle for any signs that it was who they think it is. When Sam asks what is going on, he gets insulted by saying the latest in forensics can allow you to help solve the cause with even a footprint. Sam leaves and Stone tells Manners that based on his readings, Jack can freeze and unfreeze at will (meaning he can get through the tiniest of cracks by being water).

Outside, Doc Peters tells Sam that someone must have had incredible strength because when the axe handle was shoved down Jake’s throat, there were no lacerations to determine that the handle was twisted from side to side meaning that it was shoved down his throat in one try.

Manners comes in and lies about what happens, saying that the killer entered and locked the door behind him, even though now they know that there is no way the door was open since they found out that Jake still had the key to the house in his pocket and most people in this neighborhood only have one key to the door. When Sam asks Manners when he is going to tell him what is going on, Manners says that what is going on is on a need to know basis. He also asks for a town curfew for the rest of the night so it can make their job of tracking the killer easier.

Now everyone is in town hall and the furnace is turned on. Well, everyone except Jill and Tommy who are still missing (more on those two very soon). Sam tells the people at town hall about a curfew, only to be interrupted by noises outside which are from Paul who is destroying the snowmen from the contest. Paul rambles on about the killer being a snowman until Manners punches him and knocks him out. Manners chastises Sam for not having control of all of the townsfolk. Sam sends Pullman to Paul’s place to see what set him off, and despite his initial reluctance, Pullman decides to do what the sheriff said.

Pullman is driving his car to Paul’s place when he is stopped by a snowman with a stop sign. No, I am not kidding…look.

Stop….In The Name Of Love

Pullman goes to the back to get his shovel and when he comes back, the snowman is gone. When he goes to put the shovel back in the trunk of his car, our killer snowman gets into the drivers seat and runs over Pullman.

Ladies And Gentlemen, I Present To You…Grand Theft Auto: North Pole.

Back at town hall, when Sam asks Ryan about his wife, Anne, Ryan says that she went home to get some more blankets. Back at the Tiler household, we see a hint that Jack Frost might be there, but it isn’t him…but instead it’s a water leak and Foster came by to pick her up and stop the leak.

Back at town hall, we see Sam and Manners talking about all the road blocks sealing up the town. We then go back to the Tiler household…once Anne and Foster leave, we see Tommy and Jill break into the house to have a little fun. Jill does a little striptease for Tommy, but stops and says she is going to have a bath. She tells him if he wants her, she wants a roaring fire and a bottle of wine. While Jill gets ready for her bath, Tommy goes to get some ice and we have our first hint that Jack might be in the house.

However, Jack is actually outside the house and decides to throw a snowball at the window. Tommy thinks it is Sam and tries to talk peace, but when he hears no response, he wonders who it is. Jack Frost comes in and knocks Tommy down before we get another classic line from our killer snowman.

Jack: Well, It Ain’t Fucking Frosty!

Jack comes towards Tommy and Tommy has an ice pick and tries to stab our killer snowman. Unfortunately, ice picks only work on actual humans and ice. It does not work on killer snowmen. We then get another great line from Jack after Tommy wonders who he is.

Jack: The world’s most pissed off snow cone!

Jack decides to show us another thing he can do with his new body.

He Can Shoot Icicles From His Hands

The icicle hits Tommy in the shoulder.

Jack continues his taunts as he shoots a second icicle straight to Tommy’s head, killing him.

Jill of course heard none of this since she was too busy blow-drying her hair. Jill sees that the bathtub is ready and she thanks Tommy, although Tommy is dead. She strips off the rest of her clothes and gets into the bathtub. Do we see boobs at all? Of course not. But that does make thinks interesting since Shannon Elizabeth won’t show boobs or naked ass here, but she will do something that if she ever goes to a horror convention, she will probably get asked about this movie. And why is that, you ask? Well, you will find out soon.

Oh, You Really Are Going To Find Out

Anyway, Jill takes a bath and its starts getting cold to her. Suddenly it freezes up and we sense that the water is actually Jack Frost. Jack then proceeds to do what maybe one of the best deaths in a horror film of all time, even if it is cheap as hell.

Jill Gets Raped To Death By A Snowman.

Now you maybe saying that all Jack does is bash her head against the wall enough to kill her, but I got a few questions for you. 1) Why is Jack talking about sex with a line like this?

Jack: Looks like Christmas came early this year. Well, I hope it was good for you honey. Oh, I must send flowers.

2) The carrot is clearly not on his nose during all of this (despite the fact that it is in the water). And 3)…

Jack Is Smoking Afterwards (That Is A Symbol Of What People Do After Sex)

Back at the station, Manners gets some really bad news that because of weather; his task force team can’t get in town until tomorrow. Stone gets nervous and starts spilling the beans that something big is going on. When Sam asks, Manners still goes by the standing of it is on a need to know basis and he does not need to know. They hear Pullman’s car and think that it is Pullman. They then find out that it is a killer snowman and when Sam says “My God”, Jack has a great retort.

Jack: Nah,Bitch Couldn’t Make It

Manners tries shooting at the snowman, but of course that all that does is piss him off. Everyone decides to run back into the station while the snowman continues his taunts. Sam then tells Manners what the hell is the killer snowman and Manners finally gives him by saying that it is Jack Frost. While Sam is wondering how this could happen, they are interrupted by water leaking into the station and we all know this is Jack Frost trying to get in. Manners tries shooting him while in water and Stone says that he is invincible in a watery state. When Jack comes back to being a snowman, everyone runs but Sam, who smartly decides to use a hairdryer on Jack. This hurts Jack a lot, but the he pulls to hard and it unplugs. Sam then decides to run.

They then decide they need to blow it up using aerosol cans. Stone tries to stop all of this because he wants his proof that his experiment works, to survive. Manners then decides to knock Stone out for his trouble. They all try to escape, but realize the back window is locked and Sam left the key all the way at the door. Sam decides to get the key and also frees Paul, who was locked up earlier. They are all able to escape barely and Manners then shoots at the station, blowing it up.

And if you wanted to see a whole building blow up on screen, that isn’t going to happen as like I said, this film was done on a low budget. The good guys think it is all over, but Jack has survived and has been able to reform into a snowman, kind of. I’ll let Jack say it because he says it best.

Jack: Look, Ma! I’m a Picasso!

Everyone is of course, flabbergasted by all of this.

I’ll let Manners say it here.

Manners: You’ve Gotta Be Shitting Me.

Of course everyone then decides to run again, this time into the town hall. Jack then threatens that he will be back when he pulls himself together. Oh yeah, I should mention the guy that passes by with marshmallows on a stick. He appears in this movie doing stupid stuff and in the credits, he is credited as Idiot. Nice to know you get credited in this movie for just doing random stupid stuff while not saying anything.

Anyway, Marla and Foster are locked out of the place and Marla asks Foster “his place or her’s”. Foster says her’s and they run off. Sam then decides to demand an explanation of what is going on and when Stone keeps silent, Sam shoots at his feet….completely missing, but basically using it as a warning shot. We then get this lovely dialogue.

Stone: Do something!Manners: Like what? Teach him how to shoot better?

Stone finally decides to come clean with everything. Basically for after the apocalypse, Stone created a formula that would meld a person’s DNA with that of inert material so they could survive. Basically, he says that the snow stored not only Jack’s DNA, but his personality as well. Stone then basically says that this is proof that the soul exists. They then formulate a plan to lure Jack into the basement and seal him into the furnace. We then get a classic standoff with the good guys and the killer snowman. Jack tries to attack by becoming a giant snowball and misses all of them, but enters the town hall. The good guys are armed with hairdryers and use them to cause back Jack up into the furnace.

Jack screams as he melts from the heat of the furnace. It looks like it is all over, but everyone forgot about one element: Condensation. The heat from the furnace turns back into water and the water then forms Jack back into a snowman. Stone and Manners are alone at this point are then attacked. Manners tries to use the hair drier again, but Jack has unplugged the damn thing and has this to say.

Jack: Blow Me….

Jack then uses his ice teeth to bit Manners face off.

Jack then corners Stone, but Stone has a question for Jack. He wonders what it is like to cheat death and become immortal. Jack then says it feels cold before attacking Stone. While Sam puts his annoying son in the police car, Stone comes out looking a little blue. When Sam asks what is wrong, Stone pukes up Jack Frost before falling over dead. Jack has another great line after reforming.

Jack: Don’t Eat Yellow Snow!

Jack Frost is able to enter the vehicle and Sam just throws the closest thing to him (the “oatmeal”) and it cause Jack serious pain. When Sam asks Ryan what he put in the oatmeal, Ryan says “antifreeze”. This is why I would want to kill this kid as it was because this little bastard decided to put antifreeze in someone’s oatmeal and if he ate it, he would die. But because they think they have figured out Jack’s weakness, Sam decides to hug his son. We then see what the antifreeze did to Jack.

Jack gets run over by a truck and we hear to great quotes.

(While in the air)Jack: I can see your house from here

(After he hits the ground)Jack: Somebody get me the number of that truck

We find out the driver of the truck was Paul and when Sam reveals that the snowman’s weakness is antifreeze, Paul says he just got a shipment of antifreeze before all of this happened. Sam tells Paul to get the Anti-Freeze in the back of his truck and be back by 5 minutes while he lures Jack away. Sam goes back into town hall followed by Jack and immediately goes upstairs. Jack finally gets Sam and starts to poke at him with an icicle that has formed from his stomach. It looks like Sam is going to die painfully, but a horn is beeped and we see that the truck is back. Jack wonders what is going on, but Sam tells him that it is the cavalry and pushes Jack out of the window. They both land in the back of the truck full of Antifreeze and Jack is killed.

It really gets nasty, which is strange with a snowman. All seems over, but there is one last scare to be made. Ryan finds Jack’s arm and that arm is still alive. The arm attacks Ryan and they have to put Ryan into the antifreeze to destroy the arm.

The next day, all the bottles of Anti-Freeze which have Jack in them are buried and everyone lives happily ever after....Not really.

You see at the end, we see that Jack Frost is still alive thanks to one of the antifreeze bottles, is bubbling up, which makes us assume Jack is still alive.

We also know that this isn’t the end because a few years later, there was a sequel done.

This Won’t Be Done For A While Since This Movie Really…..Really…..Really…..Sucks

Okay, now that the movie is over…we need to speak on several things. First of all, we need to speak about one Shannon Elizabeth. Shannon, this movie is definitely reason it would be a good idea never to go to a horror convention. You may have American Pie on your resume, but at a horror convention…your big resume moment is in this film. Unless you want to be bothered about being raped by a snowman, it would be a good idea to avoid them like the plague.

Now while I did say there is a sequel and most of the main actors do return, it will be really hard for there to be a third one. The reason for is this. Sam is played by Christopher Allport. 8 years after doing Jack Frost 2, Chris decided to go to a mountain ski resort in Wrightwood, California. Three avalanches rocked that area and sadly, one of them killed Chris on January 25, 2008. While this is truly sad and all, I will have to say from killing a snowman to being killed by an avalanche, that is the definition of irony.

The bottom line on all of this is…………I really love this movie. While Wrestlecrap’s RD Reynolds and I-Mockery’s RoG have talked about this film, I decided to give my two cents. This film is definitely one that despite the low budget, you just can’t help but love this movie. It has charm and when you have a foul-mouthed, raping, mutant snowman at the helm, you are sure to have fun.

I wish you all happy holidays and next month, I will have a poll to determine the GINO Award winner of 2009.