Dr. Sally: Is it love? (Part II)

Dr. Sally Porter Ross is a Houston psychologist who drives the Middle Lane on Wednesdays. This is Part II of her post on “Looking for Love.”

Gore Vidal once said: “Love – when I hear that word, I reach for my revolver!”

It looks like love, Part II

In my practice, I’ve seen patients who have reached that point. They have been so disillusioned, so hurt, in some cases devastated, that they are on a “fight or flight” level when it comes to love. They want to grab their revolver or run for the hills when they encounter love in their lives. They comprise a population that really wants information on “How do you know?” if someone is truly right for you. Here are three more examples of what to look for when looking for “the one.”

Jake paused in his description of Ellen: “Why this didn’t hit me before we became engaged, I’ll never know. But last night when Ellen was out with friends, I realized that I wasn’t missing her at all. As a matter of fact, I realized that I had never missed her, not even when we were apart for weeks. And furthermore, I had never looked forward to seeing her. It’s not that I don’t like being with her.

“It’s just that it seems kind of ordinary — nothing special, you know?

“And shouldn’t I feel special about the person I’m getting ready to marry?”

Susan groaned: “He’s just worn me out. I mean, last night was the final straw. We had a fantastic meal in a wonderful restaurant. The food was delicious, the ambiance sublime. All of us were exclaiming what a perfect evening it had been and what did Robb have to say? The only comment he made was that the service wasn’t as good as it could have been. All of us started laughing. We couldn’t believe it!

“Everything had been ideal and yet Robb had to find one element to criticize. Then someone said ‘Well, that’s just Robb!’ And it hit me; that is Robb. That’s always Robb. And in response to his continually tearing things down, I try to build them up. And I’m just tired of it. I’ve had it. I thought he was the one, but now I know better.”

As she shifted in her chair, Lauren looked sad, but resolute. She began speaking: “It’s a shame that it took the death of Dan’s father to wake me up, but at least that helped me realize something important: Dan really isn’t close to anyone, not even his family or good friends. I knew that Dan didn’t spend much time with his family and that if he ever got together with friends, it was always at their reaching out to him. And when he was with friends or family, he just didn’t seem to really connect with them, you know? I had noticed that, but when he didn’t shed a tear at his dad’s death and didn’t even try to console his mother or siblings, that’s when I got it. Dan is just really lousy at intimacy, closeness with others. And I know that I don’t want to be with someone like that. Relationships, people, just mean too much to me. I’m so relieved that I got this before Dan and I went any further.”

Like the post two weeks ago, these examples illustrate three important ways to assess a relationship:

1. How do you truly feel about someone? Unlike Jake’s experience with Ellen, do you miss them when you’re apart? Do you look forward to seeing them? Do you feel excited or content or happy when you’re with them? Being brutally honest with yourself regarding how you truly feel about someone can help you avoid making a commitment to the wrong person.

2. Are you yourself in a relationship? This is where friends can often help. If your friends remark, “You just seem so different with him/her. You don’t seem like yourself,” take a long hard look at the person you’re with and especially at how you react to them. Now obviously, sometimes this can be a good thing. If my friend tells me that I seem so happy or relaxed or energized when I’m with my significant other, then all is well and good. But if this isn’t the case, look long and hard at the relationship before deciding to continue it. A very common example is the one of Susan and Robb above. When one person is extremely negative, then the other usually moves in one of two directions: they also become negative, joining in their partner’s critical outlook, or they become the cheerleader in an effort to balance the equation. Either of these roles gets real old, real fast.

3. Do you feel good when you look at how your significant other handles the close relationships in his/her life? Does he/she seem too close, too involved or enmeshed with friends or family? Or, are they like Dan and seem too distant, uncaring or disengaged with those we would have thought would be important to them? Seeing how your partner experiences relationships of assumed closeness can tell you a lot about what to expect from them in the future.