To the leader of the Bird Council.

I am sorry to inform you that while I was driving down the road I hit one of your fellow members killing him. I felt really bad after the fact while I was seeing his feathers floating all over the road. So bad that I stopped my car to check on him. But it wasn’t a pretty site as to what I saw. So I will keep those details to myself. So I am bringing my concerns to your attention.

I feel that you need to be more responsible when training your fellow bird members on proper flying skills and road etiquette. You need to train your fellow birds on how to fly higher. This will not only keep your birds from getting hit by a car but it will also keep them from being prey by fellow animals.

I also feel that you should teach your fellow members not to sit on the road. There are plenty of wires and trees for them to sit on. You see I don’t go and drive my car up in the air to interfere in your flying area so please don’t sit in the middle of the road. This is really just asking for me to hit you.

I also think that it would be a good idea when you go to your annual animal council meeting that you bring these rules to your fellow critters. It breaks my heart to see any animal laying out in the middle of the road hit and crushed (unless they are snakes then they can be smashed to pieces) But really unless they are planning a mass suicide there is no reason for them to be playing in the middle of the road waiting to get hit. I really hate having to smell the crushed skunks.

While I realize that this formal complaint letter is surely to be follow with tons of bird poop on my house and car and maybe even hit me and my kids out of retaliation. Please kindly ask your fellow birds to PLEASE NOT PLAY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD AND TO FLY HIGHER.