Spoiler alert: One winner is a "sauce-holding miracle."

And as with any #madeforsocialmedia holiday, the internet has not disappointed in its celebration of the (totally made up, but still very, very important) subject at hand. In honor of #worldpasta day, Twitter has started an intense conversation around the topic of pasta — namely, which kind is the best, and which kind totally sucks — and the resulting Twitter threads are nothing short of pure joy.

First up, the losers. One Twitter user named Vanessa shared her definitive ranking of the five worst types of pasta, writing, "#WORLDPASTADAY LET ME TELL YOU WHICH PASTAS ARE GARBAGE. IF YOU SERVE THEM TO ME I SERIOUSLY START TO WORRY ABOUT YOUR JUDGEMENT SKILLS."

In Vanessa's utterly hilarious opinion, whole-wheat pasta is "UNNATURAL AND WRONG," and ziti is "ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING SLIMY LITTLE SH*THEADS." She describes lumache as "FULL OF BOILING WATER. ALSO NAMED AFTER SNAILS" (in fairness, they really do look like snails) and penne apparently gives her "TRAUMATIC CHILDHOOD FLASHBACKS" because they are so "WHITE AND FLOPPY." But the biggest offender of all? Bowtie pasta, aka farfalle, which Vanessa finds, "WET ON THE EDGES, STARTING TO DISINTEGRATE, YET RAW IN THE MIDDLE. WONT GO ON A FORK, ALWAYS FLAPPING ABOUT YOUR PLATE. VILE."

The pastas she actually does deem acceptable for human consumption include garganelli, cavatappi, trofie, bavette, rigatoni, and noodles that are shaped like The Simpsons.

In a far more pasta-positive thread, Twitter user David provides a detailed list, complete with delicious-looking pictures, of his definitive ranking of the 22 best types of pasta. His criteria seem to be primarily based on how well the different types of noodles hold sauce — fifth-place winner gemelli is an "unpretentious, tireless sauce holder & transporter" and a "true comrade to sauce," while No. 19, trenne, is "unsociable" with it — and how easy it is to transport with a fork. The top spot went to "mafaldine," which are thick, flat noodles with ridges on the side. David calls the pasta "Longitudinal Ruffling as art" and hails it as "a sauce-holding miracle" that has "enormous surface area," yet is still "fork-navigable."

Apologies in advance for the #worldpastaday rabbit hole you're about to go down with these threads, and for how badly you're going to want a bowl of bucatini after reading them.