Roman Abramovich sacks Roman Abramovich

Following Chelsea's Champions League success, Roman Abramovich has fired himself. "It has become something of a tradition that someone gets sacked when our Champions League campaign comes to an end. However, due to the fact that we won the game and I had already fired the manager some months earlier, that option was not open to me. The only alternative was that I had to go."

With a history of 8 managers in 9 years, Abramovich has shown that he is very hard to please and he is hoping to find a more easy-going version of himself to bring on board. "The owner was a nightmare", he admitted. "He tried to get some of the highest profile men in the game to work for him, then let them go on a whim if they only beat Wigan 4-0. Add to that I've heard some very nasty rumours about what he has been doing to my wife. Frankly, it's something I should have done years ago."