It starts, maybe, with the moment Frances McDormand, as an NSA bigwig, declares that evil alien robot Decepticons should pass through customs. No--earlier, when noble alien robot Autobots infiltrate some nameless Arab state to murder Arabs. It might begin when fucking asshole Michael Bay does a long tracking shot following--in 3-D!--the toned, tanned ass of impossible-looking Carly (Victoria's Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) as she climbs a flight of stairs to straddle her ugly mutt boyfriend Sam (Shia LaBeouf)--a pairing that at least in part explains the decades-long appeal of Ron Jeremy as a porn icon. Or maybe it's the extended profanity ("dick, asshole, clusterfuck, bitch, shit" in a long-playing loop), the wholesale and semi-graphic murder of innocents by both sides, the way the robots bleed in crimson arterial sprays in this PG-13 movie, that instigates the realization that Transformers: Dark of the Moon (hereafter Transformers: Asshole) is a new low watermark for Bay and this naughty-little-boy franchise that highlights Bay's misogyny, puerility, and imbecility for all the world to see. Better, it works as a fine illustration of how this industry of ours that I spend a lot of time defending is in bed completely with the Michael Bays of the world, who represent, I think, the money-making potential of any industry that consents to peddle vice and venality to children. Think of the cash a live-action hardcore porno based on the Barbie license would bring in. Let's get on that, Bay and Zack Snyder, and give out heroin with the purchase of a ticket while we're at it. The first one's free, little girl.

Perhaps it's time to have this conversation at some level of our culture that going into a movie deaf and blind to messages like "women are things" and "Arabs are evil" and "African-Americans are scairt" is exactly what Bay and his co-producer Steven Spielberg (for shame, man) want you to do, hope that you do, because imagine what would happen if anyone with any kind of infant moral compass were to notice that they've taken their 9-year-old to a movie this ugly and hateful. It's wrong to say that Transformers: Asshole is naïve when it blames Chernobyl on a gaggle of "what a country!" nitwit-niks trying to start up an Autobot power cell, wrong to believe that Bay's insistence on leering on every woman in the film except McDormand (whom he has John Turturro sexually harass during the closing credits anyway for an old-person rimshot) is innocent, upskirt-camera fun. No, the truth is that there's a method to this shit, a blueprint for dehumanizing every single person except Sam and his human archenemy McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey), making the near-levelling of Chicago the fallout of their sexual jealousy. This rivalry plays out against glowing steel phalluses employed in gibberish gobbledygook conjured by illiterate screenwriter Ehren Kruger to teleport a planet into Earth's atmosphere. And why would these robots want to smash their planet into Earth? Never mind, stop thinking. Thinking is pretentious, and Transformers: Asshole is good, all-American, Patriot Act and Internet-smut fun that will send your handsome white sons off to die in war, armed to the teeth with all the metal-fetish, extreme xenophobia, and sexual frustration this film can pump into them. It's war propaganda for the twenty-teens; the rape-justification is just Chantilly. Remember the girl getting an Autobot money-shot in the previous film? This time she gets threatened by a dozen tentacles that, prior to doing whatever it is they intend to do, play with her hair and smooth her cheek. No harm, no foul.

Transformers: Asshole also represents the end result of the criminal disrespect introduced by Forrest Gump way back when, allowing a genuine moron like Bay to digitally mess with actual historical figures and footage. It's like Sarah Palin's camp trying to change WIKIPEDIA after their mistress revealed her alternate history of Paul Revere. Here, Bay essays the Moon Landing and tosses a few bucks at the real Buzz Aldrin to make a cameo, not really understanding or caring about the effect this sort of thing has on the power and sanctity of American mythology. When we're accused of having no history, it's because of people like Bay and Palin, who, never having been blessed with curiosity, are curiously free of shame. The third or fourth film this year already to talk about a devastating alien invasion and the slaughter of its population (though the first to overtly try to pull said aliens into an immigration/terrorism allegory), Transformers: Asshole holds the distinction of being the first movie this year I'm actually ashamed of. In it, I recognize every failing of we the people, paraded before us as though they were virtues. The country represented by this film is bellicose and ignorant. Comparing the projected grosses of Transformers: Asshole and Tree of Life highlights just how clearly Bay and his legion see things as they really are. It's unspeakably depressing.

MORE

:rolleyes::D

CueSi

06-30-2011, 09:20 PM

I am now going to WATCH THE FUCK OUT OF THIS.Maybe twice. Just because it pisses DU off.

Good grief, it's takes a DUmbass to make a SCIFI MOVIE ABOUT ROBOTIC ALIENS FROM OUTER SPACE THAT CAN TURN INTO VEHICLES into political bullshit.

IT'S A MOVIE, YOU LIBERAL FUCKTARDS, NOTHING MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I saw it on Tuesday night...enjoyed it.

Apocalypse

06-30-2011, 10:31 PM

I wonder if any one has told them Bay is a liberal, who voted for, supports and likes obama.

Bay is only using events happening in the world today to put a touch of reality to his films.

Its funny watching them blow up about this not knowing why.

Apocalypse

06-30-2011, 11:15 PM

Reading that rant closer, my word, that person obviously has never kept up, or even watched a single transformers cartoon back in the '80s.

to teleport a planet into Earth's atmosphere. And why would these robots want to smash their planet into Earth?Season one Ep. The Ultimate Doom, Part 1 (http://tfwiki.net/wiki/The_Ultimate_Doom%2C_Part_1)

Cybertron's place in the universe was forcibly altered in 1984 when the Decepticons constructed a colossal Space Bridge that actually transported the entire planet into the Sol system (http://tfwiki.net/wiki/Solar_system), into Earth's orbit,The Ultimate Doom, Part 1 (http://tfwiki.net/wiki/The_Ultimate_Doom%2C_Part_1) where its gravity wreaked havoc with the planet's natural balance, unleashing an unending torrent of energy created by natural disasters. The Ultimate Doom, Part 2 (http://tfwiki.net/wiki/The_Ultimate_Doom%2C_Part_2) The energy acquired re-energized Cybertron enough to put it out of the danger zone, but the planet was soon knocked out of orbit by a massive Energon explosion, and set drifting off through the solar system.The Ultimate Doom, Part 3 (http://tfwiki.net/wiki/The_Ultimate_Doom%2C_Part_3) At this closer range, Cybertron remained easily accessed throughout 1985 at least, with the Autobots now able to reach it by conventional transportation (Omega Supreme (http://tfwiki.net/wiki/Omega_Supreme_%28G1%29)), rather than having to constantly hijack use of the spacebridge.
In the year 2007, Cybertron was once again wrenched from its place in space when Galvatron (http://tfwiki.net/wiki/Galvatron_%28G1%29) and the Decepticons invaded the planet and constructed a massive planetary engine (http://tfwiki.net/wiki/Planetary_engine) that propelled Cybertron back into Earth orbit once more. Once there, Galvatron opened the Plasma Energy Chamber, intending for the energy release to drive the Sun supernova, consuming Earth, Cybertron and everything else in one final destructive blow. Spike Witwicky (http://tfwiki.net/wiki/Spike_Witwicky_%28G1%29) and the Autobots' Nebulan (http://tfwiki.net/wiki/Nebulan) allies were able to stop this plan by reversing the rocket engine, which drained off the excess solar energy and channeled it straight into Vector Sigma, which used it to fully re-energize Cybertron. Its rich golden hue restored, Cybertron entered a new Golden Age. The Rebirth, Part 3 (http://tfwiki.net/wiki/The_Rebirth%2C_Part_3)From the '80s Not new, in fact true to the storyline of the TF universe.

that will send your handsome white sons off to die in warRacist much?

Here, Bay essays the Moon Landing and tosses a few bucks at the real Buzz Aldrin to make a cameo, not really understanding or caring about the effect this sort of thing has on the power and sanctity of American mythology.What?

Obviously this fool didn't pay attention to the promotion of the first movie.

http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi2633498905/

Bay used the Beagle 2 Mars lander as a Rover, that recorded its destruction by Decepticons on Mars.

Does this idiot now think that kids now days believe the rover was in fact destroyed by Decepticons?

ColonialMarine0431

07-01-2011, 01:41 AM

This is even funnier. Look at the ad that was playing there in DUmmy Land when I clicked over...

My God , Hissyfit ( your name fits) you are one of the critics I've ever read.

What kind of jerkazoid hates America so much, that even the slightest proAmerica idea in a movie sends you and your fellow Moonbats into a foaming freny of an all out hate fest.

PS. why haven't you yet moved to some third world Socialist sh*thole so you won't have see or hear anything remotely American.

Elspeth

07-01-2011, 01:43 PM

The movie sounds disgusting, like everything that comes out of Hollywood. I haven't watched a Hollywood movie in a long time.

Zathras

07-01-2011, 02:03 PM

The movie sounds disgusting, like everything that comes out of Hollywood. I haven't watched a Hollywood movie in a long time.

It's a summer action flick with giant robots beating the crap out of each other. There nothing disgusting, or political, about it.

Elspeth

07-01-2011, 02:06 PM

It's a summer action flick with giant robots beating the crap out of each other. There nothing disgusting, or political, about it.

I'm still not giving any money to Hollywood.

Zathras

07-01-2011, 02:07 PM

I'm still not giving any money to Hollywood.

Well good for you.

CueSi

07-01-2011, 03:23 PM

Well good for you.

I heard you saying that in Christian Bale rant mode. It's funnier that way.

~QC

Elspeth

07-01-2011, 03:36 PM

Well good for you.

Anything they get they just give to Oblahblah.

Or to hookers and blow.

I'm better off giving money to a homeless guy. At least he'll buy booze at the local CVS and stimulate the local economy.

(And yes, in California, we have liquor in the CVS. It works better than NyQuil. :))

Zathras

07-01-2011, 06:08 PM

Anything they get they just give to Oblahblah.

Or to hookers and blow.

I'm better off giving money to a homeless guy. At least he'll buy booze at the local CVS and stimulate the local economy.

(And yes, in California, we have liquor in the CVS. It works better than NyQuil. :))

Really? And spending your money in the local theater doesn't help the local economy? You know, things like paying the employees who then spend their money in the local economy?

I'd rather spend my cash on stuff I find entertaining than give it away to some lazy bum that will waste it on booze and then beg for more, refusing to become a productive member of society.

But hey, it's your money...waste it how ever you like.

Elspeth

07-01-2011, 06:21 PM

You wanna spend money that will end up in Oblahblah's pocket, that's your call.

Apocalypse

07-01-2011, 07:20 PM

If I went with that mentality, I couldn't turn on my TV ever. Forget buying a car. I can never consult a lawyer. And forget an education.

Zathras

07-01-2011, 07:39 PM

You wanna spend money that will end up in Oblahblah's pocket, that's your call.

RIIIIIGHT. And you keep thinking that anything I spend at the theater goes farther than that. Cause, if you do, you have no clue as to how a local business runs and are as much of a dumbass as the person who wrote the original article.

fettpett

07-01-2011, 08:29 PM

You wanna spend money that will end up in Oblahblah's pocket, that's your call.

guess you better stop using the internet since you computer helped get him elected, either through Gates or Jobs