There will come a day when I am outrageously wealthy. I have always known that that day would have to come on a day and in a way not associated with my current career. Since I have not yet figured out how to make my written silliness pay, I don’t think today is the day I’m going to be wealthy either.

While I am waiting for my ship to come in, I have begun moving on to a topic equally important to where my vast wealth is going to come from – outrageous ways I will spend the money.

Rich People Buy Cars

Image via Wikipedia

When people hit it big, the first thing they often do is go out and buy a really sweet ride. There are a number of cars I have dreamed of having for years upon years. I’d love a Porsche 911. I would love a Jeep or maybe a really cool vintage Toyota Land Cruiser.

Image via Wikipedia

I know I’d probably go buy the Datsun 240z I have been lusting after since 1974. I know where that car is sitting right now…I just don’t know where the cash to pay for it is sitting. As soon as I hit it big, you’ll know it because that car and one other very special one will be in my driveway.

The Wienermobile, That’s How I’ll Roll

Maybe I'll even go storm chasing in my Wienermobile. Who does that sort of thing? No one, yet. (Image by ★keaggy.com via Flickr)

Rich people driving a Mercedes, a Bentley or a Maserati are a dime a dozen. If you’re on South Beach in Miami and I drive by in a Bentley, you’ll look at your friends and say “was that Omawarisan in that Bentley?” They’ll probably say something like “who knows, that was the fourteenth one we’ve seen since we got here.”

Now change the situation to me driving by in the Wienermobile. “Was that Omawarisan in that Wienermobile?” The answer will be a much more solid “who else could it be, do you know him?” Of course you’d say yes. I would come back and give your friends rides in the Wienermobile and they would know that you were cool enough to have a friend with his own giant hot dog car.

Being filthy rich and driving a Wienermobile sends a message. It says to the world “yes, I have money to burn, but I don’t take myself seriously as a result.” Too many folks who come into money allow it to elevate their status in their own minds. Hopefully a car that is part bun would give the message that I am not thinking that way.

Practical, Yet Not Practical.

When I pick my friends up for a trip in The Wienermobile we won’t be overcrowded. We’ll just chuck our luggage in the back of the wiener and take off. Plenty of room in the spacious interior, lots of happy people making way for us as we move through traffic.

When we arrive at our destination we’d hit one of the limitations of a giant sausage shaped car – parking. We won’t be able to park in any parking decks. It wont work for us to park close to places like stores and restaurants, there’s just not enough space. I’ll probably have to drop them off at the door then park out in the parking lot at a significant distance.

If you're holding a surprise party in this building, the jig is up. I'm sorry (Image via Wikipedia)

Really, the biggest thing we’re all going to have to keep in mind when I buy a Wienermobile is how we handle party invitations.

The Wienermobile is not a very practical surprise party car. When you invite rich me over for a party please be sure to let me know if it is a surprise party. It isn’t going to do you any good to have all the guests park in the school parking lot up the street if the guest of honor sees The Wienermobile sitting there. In fact, knowing my memory, you might want to call the day of the party and remind me to drive the Datsun.

Being ostentatious, with a sense of humor will be the hallmark of the period of my life when I’m wealthy. If you can say “he is so rich it is ridiculous” I will have accomplished my goal.

If you think this is ridiculous, wait until I get my own Mariachi band.

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If I hadn't written this, I would use these to tell people I'd read it.

So that wasn’t you I saw driving the fire engine red Maseratti through Catonsville this morning? And do you know how absurd it was to see a Maseratti in Catonsville?

Imagine roadtrips if the family truckster were the Weinermobile? I think the Vacation franchise missed out on a golden opportunity there. For real, who wouldn’t want to drive cross country to Wally World if you could roll in the Weiner?

Wow, you got good field trips. I just got to go to the Smithsonian…because it was 10 miles away and they knew Beltway Brats wouldnt be caught dead there otherwise. I also recall mooning people, but not at the Smithsonian.

If I had Photoshop, I’d Photoshop a picture of the Weinermobile on top of a monster truck chasis — you know, massive tires and suspension so you’d be 12 feet off the ground — and post it here, because if you were rich, that’s the kind of Weinermobile you’d want, not the kind they hire college students to drive around the country so they can hand out coupons and Weinermobile whistles.

True story: I actually know the guy who came up with the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. He was my boss when I worked for an advertising agency in Cincinnati. He was a giant dork with great ideas, and he came up the the Wienermobile when he was in his 20s.

Another true story: I test-drove a Maserati earlier this year just for the heck of it. (It was a blog assignment.) Honestly? I like my 2001 Honda Accord much better. Too much stress driving a high-dollar ride.

Good luck with your future wealth! I’d like to see what kind of trouble The Jolie could get into from your private jet.

It’s no wonder that I was attracted to your blog as I foresee the same wealthty future.

About the “surprise” party dilemma, (and I’m surprised that you hadn’t thought of this) the grand weiner is easily converted to a close replica–to the unpracticed eye– of the doomed space shuttle. With just a few inflated balloons and a little paint, you could park the vehicle at the end of the block of the surprise party’s venue and draw little, if any, attention.

That brings to mind the potential for the really ultimate “ride.” Why not rescue the deflating shuttle, add some nice Bridgestones, and run that around town?

Your dreams of wealth are somewhat inchoate–and that is quite endearing.

[…] many of you think that my life will be non stop fun. Nothing but endless days of riding around in a hot dog shaped car or traveling in my blimp to see friends. Nothing could be further from the […]