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Alas, spring here is still about two months away. And Queen, I don't know about me wearing 'dukes.' I could wear 'long and bulkies.' Just don't have the good figure I used to.

OK, so Omar was killed? Wow. Well, I think I saw that coming. I have not watched it yet. I'm waiting until Sunday when my brother is over. He always comes over on Sunday nights to watch 'The Wire' and brings donuts. It's like the Sunday night pig-out.

About my sexual identity-I must admit the LTR I had with Shelly was really nice. I only wish I wouldn't have listened to my second ex-husband and taken him back and kicked her out. What a mistake that was, in more ways than one. No Queen, I don't have a good record with the guys. I have a bad picker I guess. I think Liz and I might get together again in the near future. She's such an attractive, sweet woman. I'm not going to worry about coming out to my family. My brother knows and he's totally cool with it.

OK Queen, get your ass up here so we can check into the hospital by me. People do get to go out on cigarette breaks. The last time I was in there, I was on a diabetic diet also. Even when I went to the cafeteria, there was one lady who worked there who wouldn't let me have any sweets. She was a bitch about it though and always had a scowl on her face. But people can bring someone up something sweet, as long as it's pre-packaged. You know, nothing open.

I have pm'd Ann about locking the other thread. So hopefully when she's on again, she'll lock 'er up. Have a good one ladies-

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

I'm ready for spring. Right now we have snow with forecast of more snow then turning to ice then back to snow and snow and snow. I'm sick of snow. I woke up at 2am with a sore throat and an earache. Hubby had clients so I couldn't take meds until he got home just before 6pm. Everything tastes like metal which sucks. My kidneys are kiling me, so they're filtering out something. I'll take a nice long hot shower soon and snuggle into my bed. I did manage to finish the laundry and make dinner. Now I'm wiped out.

Mini had her DEXA and blood work (just CBC) yesterday. It was really neat and she did really well. I wish it lasted longer. Something about seeing her lay STILL and SILENT . The whole test only lasted about 2 minutes. I called her PID on the way home and left a message for her to call with the results. I left another one today. I'll call again tomorrow.

That's all going on here. Gotta get the kiddies their "treat" before bed.

Hello Ladies,I can't wait for spring either. I am so sick of being stuck in the house.

Ha, ha Betty - I have a bad picker, too. I tell people I missed the line that they handed the bullshit meters out in. The kids are 4 now. My mother just recently let me upload some photos of when the kiddos were in the hospital. My computer had crashed and I thought I had lost everything but she came through for me . I am not sure what diabetic food is but when I was in the hospital after having the kids, I had ordered a hamburg and they sent me up an onion sandwich with a piece of lettuce. YUM. Maybe your unhappiness to do with school has to do with the time of year? It seems you have come to far and worked to hard to give up now. Even if you do end up doing counseling part time you will be helping someone or many and that in itself will be worth all your effort. Just think energizer bunny and keep going and going and going As far as your love life- do you. It will be thier loss not yours. I am a white girl from a small town and I have dated black men since high school. The big thing with my family is that I have bi-racial children out of wedlock. GASP...the horror. Hello-2008! My aunts and uncles pretty much stopped talking to me after I had the trip lets. Perfect strangers did more for me and the kids than my family did(not including my mother,she was a savior) and I think that is thier loss. I have zero tolerance for people and thier judgements cuz when it gets down to it no one is perfect, your sister included, she's got something in her closet, you just haven't found out what it is yet.

Winiroo- How's it going down there any new additions yet?

I went to my ID Doc today. He changed my meds to Atripla. I start tonight. My numbers were good except for the cholestrol which he said was from the Norvir so we are going to try this one out. I got to my appt. at 9:45 and didn't get out until 11:45 and walked right smack dab into my next door neighbors kids. Thankfully, the door to his office says " Travel Clinic" and not "Infectious Disease" What's up with that? Does everyone else's ID doc have travel clinics too? Everytime I see someone coming out I think to myself " I hope he/she is a lucky mofo and just going somewhere!" My 12 o'clock therapist appt got canceled till next week, she had a family emergency. Oh, well.

Snow, Mini's PID is in the "regular" peds dept of a major university hospital. Most of the specialty clinics are "traveling" clinics. There are no signs on the doors telling what rooms are being used for what reason - just a chart in the nurse's station where kids are weighed and measured. Most regular peds patients have no idea about the specialty clinics that are going on, sometimes, right next door to them. The bad side of that is that different docs hold "clinic' only on certain days. Example: Mini's lipid doc is only in on Tues. and PID on Fri. She has to have blood work for both, so we have everything drawn on Tues then have to make another 130 mile round trip on Friday. This past visit, our PID came in on Tues. to see Mini so we didn't have to go back 3 days later. Maybe that's what is meant by "travel" clinic.

Anyway, just took my 2nd dose of meds and waiting for it to kick in so I can lay down and still breathe. Most counties here have at least a 2hr delay tomorrow. Some were closed today. The ones that started out sent kids home early. Oh, well, doesn't affect us any. Just means that our roads won't be cleared. Getting down to 12F toinight. Yee-haw .

Everyone snuggle down and keep warm. Betty, get your slippers back from Poppy (who's still on our fridge) and put them on. and goodnight!

OMG, I had to get on here and post about the eclipse. Snow, glad someone else noticed it, lol! Its a total lunar eclipse, we won't have another until 2010. Being the "Moon" girl and all, I have been looking forward to tonight. And tomorrow is the full moon. No wonder everyone drove with their heads up their collective asses during this morning's commute!

I have gone outside three times onto the landing to look up at the eastern sky. That's Saturn to the left there, looks like a really bright star. The moon looks orange/red!

I'm also very happy because Iceman flew from Baltimore at 9pm up to Rochester, NY for business. He called a little while ago and landed just fine. He comes back Saturday morning in the next round of ice crap that we'll be getting.

The pilot on his plane said it was pitch black up in the sky cause the moonlight was getting blocked out. The eclipse started at 10pm. Now get out there and look, its amazing! I LOVE stuff like this.

Yeah, Betty, I know. But, I was laying down and my meds quit working so i couldn't breathe. My next dose was due in about 30mins, and that was 1 1/2hrs ago. I'm STILL waiting for it to kick in so I can lay down and still breathe. I feel like crap! This stuff isn't working worth a flip and I can't take anything until 2am. At this rate, I'll be in bed by 3 and up at 5. GRRRRRRRRRRR!

Missed the eclipse. It's too dark and cloudy here. I really wanted to see it, too. Oh, well, I'm planning on still being here in 2010.

OkayI've been reading some of the other dating threads and i finally figured out it's not all about just dating. which I'm not doing and haven't and won't for a while. Not after losing my husband earlier this month. I just wished the men at my church would get that through their heads. I guess with my husband passing they think I'm available. NOT. One even asked to take me to dinner and the little old church ladies are starting to bring their available sons and nephews in to meet me. I'm about to have them put it in the Church bulletin that I'm not ready to get back in the swing of things and find another man. I still love my husband very much.

Yes I am so ready for spring. can't stand for it to be colder than 70 degrees. I like it hot what can i say.

Moon - I did manage to catch the eclipse with my 3 daughters it was cool , we all had a great time watching it. I'm assuming that you know the next one is 12-20-2010 marked the calender.

Today was a busy one for me, I'm still trying to run mine and my husband's business that we started almost 2 yrs ago. with the help from my brother-in-law. and the storm we had on sunday helped out. People want those dead trees down now in fear that they will fall on their house next time around.

I'm hanging in there, My health is good if i could just get through this losing weight thing. I think it's stress related. My numbers are great.

I want to say thanks to all the ladies that have made me feel welcomed and part of the family.HugsPaulette

Uh, I saw someone mention an eclipse, I think it was Philly. But I missed it. My son came to visit so I was wrapped up in him. Once he left, I started watching Flavor of Love. Now I am into this documentary called "Trantasia" in which the cable guide says, "contestants take part in a transsexual beauty pageant" but it is more than that, it shows how they feel about themselves, some had operations done, etc. All I know is that I need just one to show me how to do my make up because theirs is flawless. I would love to see shows like that. But I am loving this documentary. It's a must see...I gotta go, I'm going to finish watching it....

Hello ladies. I tried to see the eclipse last night but the clouds were too thick so I went to bed. Win, love your new picture and read your Bio. It was very moving. Not much going on here. I didn't do anything with my hair. I looked at those washout dyes but couldn't find a color I liked. So maybe next week. Tendai, I realize how fortunate I am to have easy to take care of hair. I have seen the stuff some of my friends have to go through and let me tell you, It makes me grateful. I will be getting a haircut soon. Just not sure when. Paulette, hope you are well. Don't let anyone push you into dating before you are ready. You need time to heal and recover from your loss. Hope you are well. Working a double shift today. No big deal but will not be home until 11 tonight. Mom or dad will get Robert off the bus since there is not time between shifts to come home. Okay, I have a dilemma. My oldest son's father is calling me to update me on my son's status. I feel like he wants to get with me but there is so much history and hurt feelings on my part that I am not sure if it is a good idea. That family has put my family through hell over the past 15 years. I also think my parents would put me out if they found out I was seeing him again. But I am sooooo lonely that it is tempting. Let me know what ya'll think. I will check in tonight when I get home. Later, Cristy Betty, only 10 more weeks. You can do it, I know you can. just hang in there and make sure you take lots of me time. I will be rooting for you. Cristy

Paulette, I am so glad you've joined us here. We're a great group of gals and of course, you're welcome to talk about anything.

Queen, that new show you're watching sounds really interesting. I might have to check it out. Is it on demand? Or something on one of the channels?

Cristy, I just have to say, do not get back with this man. He sounds like a real ass-hole. And why would time make any difference? Don't get with someone just because you're lonely. Believe me, you'll regret it. I speak from experience, of course. Every time I got back with an ex because of loneliness, it turned out to be a disaster.

Nothing exciting going on today. My therapist will be here this afternoon. I usually clean the apartment on Thursdays. If I do anything, I'll just clean the bathroom and mop the kitchen floor and vacuum. Then I have school tonight. It's only 9 degrees out this morning. If I didn't have school tonight, I wouldn't go out at all. Nothing else to report. I'll check back in later-

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

I just wanted to add- don't try to have a one-night fling with someone from a past relationship. That doesn't work either. Too many old feelings involved that are impossible to keep separate from the sex. Not implying anyone's doing this, just sayin'.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Hmmm... I'm not so sure about the blanket ban on exes. I'm back with an ex now and things couldn't be better.

We first got together fourteen years ago this past December and had an on/off/on/off relationship (partly because he worked in Africa) for around six years, then very little contact for (just over) eight years. I think we both grew up quite a bit during those eight years - I suppose being diagnosed with hiv has something to do with it. Today our relationship is stronger and - importantly - more honest than it ever was years ago.

People can and do change for the better. The trick is knowing if a positive change really has taken place. Foxtrot Charlie never once said "I've changed" (as some exes will say) but he has. The proof is in his actions and he has no need to tell me. I've changed too. I'm much more self-assured, independent and self-sufficient than I was pre-diagnosis. I think in the past I depended too much on him making me happy whereas now I know that ultimately, I'm the only person who can make me happy. Now that I have a core of self-happiness, being with Charlie adds to it, but before I had that core, no man could ever fill the void. Does that make sense to any of you women?

I think the years and hiv have knocked the rough/sharp edges off both of us and we're pretty much a perfect fit now. We're for keeps this time.

By the way, tomorrow's my D-Day anniversary. Whoopee! I'm going to celebrate with a pint or two (or four or six) of Guinness.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

I'm going too jump right on in with both feet because there isn't jack to report over here. As you know, I like to look at things from all sides. So, Christy....I have to agree with Ann to a point that people do change, I mean if we ourselves can change, why not someone else? Shit happens!!! On the other hand, if this man has put you through hell then you should definitely be on guard. It would seem you have a lot more to lose than he does if you try to make a go of it and it blows up in your face. You got to weigh the pros and the cons of it all. First of all, what is your gut telling you? I know too well how being alone can cloud one's judgment too. If you do want to give this man the benefit of the doubt then I would suggest keeping the lines of communication going but would also advise to take things at a snail's pace. One thing I have learned is if a person HAS NOT changed, it doesn't take long for their true colors to show.

Betty--- Sorry to give away the death of Omar, I thought you watched it. Transtasia was on the Starz channel, I forget which one, there is about 4 of them. I truly hope you hang in there with school but can understand you feeling burnt out. Can you take a break? I want to go back to school. I was going online but then I lost my hearing. I explained what was going on with the school but they dumped me anyway. Back then I was going to be forensic expert. But if I go back to school, I want to go for computers. I want to learn how to fix them as in taking them apart and some web design. But I have too much going on right now to be focused on school.

When the roomie gets back, it's off to the laundry mat to get some laundry done. We have procrastinated til we both are out of clean clothes. I did find something clean to go out in but everything else is dirty. Still have not heard anything from Kevin. Life goes on...

The advice I gave Christy was based on two things: 1) she said this man put her/her family through hell. 2) she would "get with him" because she's lonely. If someone has already put one through hell, why take another chance. And if the only reason is loneliness, well, I just don't think that's the right way to go.

I got back with ex's because of loneliness and the end result was never good. I know people change-believe me, I know. But in the above situation, I would observe how someone's really living before jumping back in.

Ann, I knew there was a reason we haven't seen much of you lately. I'm glad things are working out. Happy (for lack of better wording) anniversary tomorrow. How long does this make? I just had one a little over a week ago-19 years. Many, many more to come.

Queen, that's alright about Omar. I figured he was going to get axed. I don't get Starz. It sure sounds like an interesting series, though.

After tonight, one more week of the classes I have now. So, in all actuality, there's 11 more weeks until summer break. My voc rehab counselor e-mailed me saying they have funding for the summer. But I'm not going to go. A year and a half striaght through is enough for me. Sometimes I feel like dropping out. I don't know if I will ever do anything with the degree. I just don't see working a regular job. I have strange schedules-sometimes up early, sometimes up late. But, I'm really not a person to not finish something I start (or in this case, restarted). So, we'll see. It's just a day-by-day thing right now.

Liz called me earlier when I was cleaning and wanted directions to my apartment. She's been here before, but it's a little tricky and she doesn't want to get lost. I wonder what she wants to come over for. Not that I mind at all. She's a good conversationalist, besides being very pretty to look at.

Nothing else to report. Check back in later-

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

I have been really, really down lately. I have an extremely frustrating financial situation (Queen, I know you can relate there). It seems like I always 'just barely make it.' With only getting $10/month food stamps, it usually gets down to 'should I get gas so I can get to..... or should I get a 1/2 gallon of milk.'

Today has been an especially hard 'grief day' for me. Most of you know my mum died last August. I was extremely close to my mum, admittedly the closest of the siblings. And I miss her-terribly. I used to talk to her 2-3 x a day; we used to do 'Wheel of Fortune' and 'Jeopardy' over the phone the nights I wasn't in school. I was one of her primary care-givers the final months of her life. And it was easy to do. She never complained, was open to everyone, was compassionate, and held her dignity the best she could right up to her last breath. I'm extremely pissed off right now. I just want to go outside, shake my fist at the sky and scream 'Is there really a god?'

Also, I haven't been feeling all that well lately. Just started a new med (Kaletra) about a week ago. My viral load was pretty high last test (214,000), and I've had quite a few fevers and upper respiratory problems. But, HIV wise, I've lived through much, much worse. So I know that it's something I can handle.

Some days I just want something to take it away, immediately. Of course, I do have a conscience now, and I know I would probably over-indulge. That would lead to disaster. My last trip down drug-lane was not something I would want to re-live. And I'm not guaranteed I would make it back from another one. However, it doesn't stop the thoughts from entering my head.

OK, done ranting. Sorry.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

I know I haven't been on in a while but I just wanted to stick my head in to let you all know that I had the baby. After an entirely long labor for me compared to my other children my lil' man was born on 2-12-08 at 9:06am. He was an even 8lbs and 28 in long. Unfortunately I had to have a c-section because I got stuck at 5 cm and was not progressing at all. Currently, all is well just trying to recover and get back to my old self.

Betty, I agree, I'd also advise Cristy to go forward with a heaping helping of caution. I just wanted to mention that not ALL exes are ones to not get back together with. I wouldn't ever consider getting back with any of my other exes, including the most recent.

Cristy, hun, if he's still an asshole, then loneliness isn't a good enough reason to get back with him. He'll only hurt you again. You're worth more than that.

Tomorrow is my seventh D-Day anniversary, although with hindsight, I know I seroconverted in mid-May of 1997, so I've got nearly eleven years positive. I'm probably looking at going on meds sometime in the next few months (should have results from Feb 5th's draw tomorrow) but I'm not worried. I've had a good med-free run of it and I'm not about to complain. I'm thinking of trying Truvada and Reyataz (boosted with Norvir) because I don't want to do Sustiva if I can help it.

Just to jog your memories, in September my counts were 525, 27% and they'd dropped to 299, 22% by December. My counts have always been up and down but I've never had such a drastic drop before, aside from the time I had shingles. Wasn't anything wrong with me before/during the December blood draw. We did another blood draw on February 5th and I will hopefully have those results tomorrow. I'm not very optimistic about them because I've been drenching the bed with nightsweats the past two nights. I've had mild nightsweats before, but never the heavy-duty ones where it looks like you pissed the bed. And no, I wasn't in my own bed. He wasn't fazed - one of the benefits of being with someone who is also poz.

Congrats Blessed! Hope your C-section heals up quickly so you can enjoy the new arrival.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Hmm, I thought my advice to Christy covered all bases. You know if she chooses to deal with the guy? Weighing the pros and cons, take it slow, the alone factor, what she has to lose, if the man's change is sincere? No one knows the deal exclusively but her. I have to agree with the other ladies too, I never had things work out when trying to patch up with the ex. But it doesn't mean it can't happen. Christy, I hope we didn't make things more confusing for you. You know we love you unconditionally and want what's best for you.

Ok, now Betty, you're making me worried over there. Did you talk to your therapist today? I know what you mean about missing your Mom. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my Dad's passing, it will be 4 years and I miss him terribly. I miss getting together on holidays, we didn't really celebrate the holiday but each other's company. I was just talking to my roomie about him and how he was the one who taught his then 35 year old daughter how to drive. What can I say, I was a late bloomer...*LOL*

About the food stamps, I don't understand that because I get $162 in stamps. I have heard of people before saying they only got $10 and I don't see how they think anyone can live off of that. I struggle with trying to make my stamps stretch and I don't go to food banks.

I am wondering why your doc started you on Kaletra. I thought that med was known for it's bad side effects or has it gotten better? I may be getting it confused with something else. I know you are under a lot of stress but please be strong. I don't want you to go down drug alley again. Did you ever get your messenger up and running yet? If not, can you? If you need to talk you can always IM me. I'm usually online all the time even if it says I am not, I often lurk or go under invisible.

I need to get ready to go do laundry, my roomie keeps walking in the room so I guess that is a hint. But it must be done. I will check back on you, Betty when I get done. You did say Liz was coming over right? You guys are close, no? Have you talked to her? I just want you to talk to someone. Now I am worried, it's my turn anyway...

Well, I didn't go to class tonight. The professor e-mailed everyone and let us know that the class tonight is going to be spent watching 'An Inconvenient Truth' with some discussion. He gave us the option of whether we went or not. I've seen the movie. And opted not to go.

Blessed, congratulations! What an adorable baby.

Queen, thanks for the concern. Girl, you didn't drive until you were 35?! Wow. My mum taught me how to drive back in like '78. And it was on a car that was a stick shift and the shifter was on the steering wheel! Does anyone remember those awful cars? It was a blue Maverick (ugh). I'm feeling a bit better now. Ya know, I don't understand why my doc started me on Kaletra either. It's well known for its effect on cholesterol (for which I'm on a medication) and effects on blood sugars. So, I'm trying to carefully monitor those. I'll give it until I have my first set of labs post starting it, which will be in about 3 weeks. About the drug thing...... it can get really tempting to want to have things 'feel better' instantly. It's not like I have the $ for it, but of course I know how to get ahold of something. I usually call my sponsor and probably will later. I think I have the yahoo IM thing installed, but not sure how to use it. And when I installed it, I got a new toolbar. That was strange. Did that happen to you? And yeah, I miss my mum terribly. And I understand it can take a year before feelings get under control. I still talk to her. I believe she hears me. I haven't called Liz back yet. I probably will in a couple hours. Hopefully something might blossom there. If it's meant to, of course.

Ann, I've never done the Reyataz/Norvir boost, but I was on Truvada at one time. I had literally no side effects from it. Actually, I was on Truvada/Lexiva. Up until I grew resistant to both, they worked really well. I feel you on the night sweats. I hate having to get up and change my jammees. Hopefully when things get under control, those will go away. That's what I'm hoping for with my new med also. Please keep us posted on how things go.

OK ladies, I'll probably check in later-

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Paulette, its so nice to see you here. Again, I am so sorry about your husband's passing. PLEASE share and vent here with us. There is a lot of humor and a lot of strength in this Forum, we'd love to hold you up as you get back on your feet. We can also help to swat the church ladies away if they keep pushing their sons and grandsons on you!

Blessed, your little one is adorable, like he knew that pic was going to be posted here! He was looking at all of us. Twenty-eight inches long? Holey moley, GF, THAT is a long baby! I'm so glad you're doing ok, post when you can.

Cristy, the first thing I thought to myself when reading about your ex is "go with your gut." Then I read what you said your family would do if they found out. I don't think its worth risking family harmony in your home, or worth risking getting the boot by your parents(if it came to that). Think about what in the hell you and Robert would do if this ex turned your world upside down. Sure, discuss your oldest on the phone, etc, but if the ex starts getting all mushy and leg-humpy lol tell him you have to hang up. Just don't tolerate that shit if he's out for one thing. God created women for a reason, cause men don't know what the hell they are doing most of the time!

Ann, nice to see you chime in, and I'm glad that Foxtrot is the exception to the rule. You are one lucky woman! Please let us know how the labs turn out. Kudos to you for making it through all of these years and putting up with this damn virus.

Betty, how was your session? I hope you vented some and are feeling a little better this evening. The damn full moon (don't blame me, lol) makes us all a little moody. I've been that way today, too. More on that below. So, you have a few more weeks of classes and then NO summer session, right? Hang in there because you will reap the benefits. How many credits will you have after Spring session? Are you getting snow and ice tonight? Its just creeping into Maryland now, and we are supposed to get 1/3 of an inch of ice tomorrow. I am staying the hell home. If the Fed Govt is closed, I get to stay home with pay, and I can post with you GFs all day like I used to. I miss that!

Queen, did Kevin ever call you? I thought the last I read yesterday or the day before was that you thought he was working cause you hadn't heard from him......I hate when guys do that. Either you're "in" or you're "out," no pun intended.... well, maybe!

Well, today is three years since my Grandmother passed. She was my birth father's mother, and she lived to be 91. Some of my earliest childhood memories are of times with her. Also, today is the day I drove my late husband to the hospital because he was so sick back in '96. I remember how stressful it was.....A hospital right here in town wouldn't admit him because of his insurance and I had to drive him around the DC Capital beltway to another hospital. I never drove so fast in all of my life. It was truly one of the only times I thought to myself, "If a cop gets behind me, I will keep on going until we arrive." Yes, my late husband's situation was that BAD. That's when all of the skeletons started coming out of the closet, and I found out that he had been infected and knew it and didn't tell me. I found out he had known since '88 and here it was, '96, I was 26, newly married and speeding to the hospital. I put Casie (my late pup) and Cheech in the kennel and stayed with Dave at the hospital for three days, on a cot in his room. Then chemo started a few weeks later and I was thrown straight into hell, but I was a FIGHTER. Yes, I was.

I was reliving all of this on my drive home from work tonight, crying and talking to Dave, telling him I would never give up this battle, and telling him he should still be here. *sigh* I know he knows that I'm OK. Strangest thing, and BT may know this song, but while I was driving and crying and talking to Dave and God, a song came on the radio. "Tears Are Falling," by KISS. How fitting. Shit like that happens to me all of the time. I guess I feel that it helps to affirm my emotions at the time, so it was all good tonight.

So, Betty, you hang in there, you're allowed to grieve and be tired and have a bad day and not want to study and not want to clean and so on.......You're allowed to JUST BE. So, take a breather just for you, and tell yourself its OK to do so. I love you, GF. Also, I hope Liz comes to visit, you really seem to dig her.

Time to go watch Survivor and pray for lots of ice. I am staying home tomorrow.

Also, Iceman was asked to chair an AA meeting this Saturday if his damn plane makes it back from NY in this storm. This isn't his regular AA group, but he invited me to go after I mentioned my interest last week. I'm a little nervous, but I can just picture him speaking to people and motivating them by sharing his story. I know I would be proud, and I really do want to understand more about his addiction and to support him.

I had forgotten that my therapist had to be in court today (he does psych evals on people in trouble with the law). So there was no session, unfortunately. I talked to Liz for quite awhile tonight-over the phone. We had a good conversation. We even talked about sex (not with each other, at least not yet). We talked about what we liked, disliked etc. I am a very erotic person sexually. Open for a lot of things. I think most of that comes from my background with sex. I've had a sordid one, believe me. At one point I even did some porn for a guy. No, it's not on the web. It was like 24 or 25 years ago. But, I've lived quite the life and know what turns me on (and off). OK, enough about that subject.

No Cin, I'm not going to take classes this summer. I'm looking forward to it ending. I have to do a final 5-7 typed APA format paper for my ethics class. Haven't even started on it yet. I'll try to knock it out this weekend. I hope you get the day off tomorrow.

Other than that ladies, nothing else to report. I watched part of the dem. debate tonight. All I can say is 'Go Barack!' Later-

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Ladies, ya'll are the best. I received a lot of good advice and have come to the conclusion that I will talk to him about my oldest son and stick to that. If eventually I see that there are some changes, then I might reconsider. Thank you all for your responses to that. Betty, so you are talking to Liz. I hope that it works out and ya'll become a happy couple. I am like you, I know exactly what I like and what I don't, through much experience. Sorry to hear you are really missing your mom and hope that eases. Blessed, what a lovely little man. Glad that he is here and hope you are recovering well . It's been a long day ladies and I will post more tomorrow. Good night. Cristy

I am glad I got the laundry done and there was no one at the laundry mat. About 4 people and my neighbor works there so we were talking to him which made things go fast. We didn't even bother with a cab, we just hiked it around the corner. As soon as we got back and things put away, I made a beeline right for the shower.

I have been feeling chilled since the shower. Sorry to hear some of you ladies are in a funk. I am surprised that I am not but maybe the Celexa is kicking in finally. I think I have been on it about a month now. I am glad that you had your sponsor and Liz to lean on, Betty. And know you are not alone when it comes to speaking to your Mom, I find myself doing that with my Dad. I believe they hear us too.

Christy, I am glad you are keeping the lines of communication open with the ex even if it is just talking about your oldest son. I believe you will get your answer of if he has changed or not. Just sit back and watch.

Since Betty brought up sexual preferences and likes. Believe it or not, I am still out on that. I haven't done a whole lot sexually as far as positions or toys. I haven't found a man that I can open myself up to like that. I guess I am old fashioned. I feel if I am going to be a freak or do freaky things, I want it to be with someone I am going to be with for awhile not just a fuck buddy.

Sorry, I missed saying it earlier but congrats on the baby boy, Blessed. All my kids were c-sections and I have 3. My daughter who is the oldest was born breach and then when it came to my sons, I was told my birth canal was too narrow or something. I forget, that was 17 years ago and I have been fixed since then anyways.

What? Wini has a stalker? Where? What posts? Quickdraw Ann must've gotten to the posts before I could see them...Damn Ann, you take away all my fun, woman... I'm off to look over other threads before I become engrossed in my games.

Queen i envy u on the laundry at least u're done with it now. I have 3 weeks of clothes to wash and nothing in my wardrobe. everytime i want to wash my clothes there'l be no water. i dont know why these so-and-so at the water authority cut off water on weekends, when are people who go to work supposed to do their laundry then if not on the weekend. its like they want us to wash at 5am beofre we go to work or at 8pm when we get back from work. really annoying

Christy - i also agree that u go with your gut. u know him better and if he has changed for the better then i guess it would be alright. i'd only get back with an ex if we broke up for silly reasons like distance or something like that. someone who made me miserable i wouldnt even consider it. it'd be kinda like eating my vomit. sorry that sounds gross doesnt it? once bitten twice shy and all that. just be careful hey?

Betty - u do need a break i think. take some time out and let your hair hang out. Whats the saying i forget. let your hair come down? . I'm glad Liz is there 4 u.

Paulette - hi. good to see u going on with life. and yes dont be pressured into a relationship u're not ready for. u know we almost have the same name.

Cindy - and pray for lots of ice. do mean ice ice or "ice" . Betty's and your stories never cease to amaze me, all the stuff u went thru and all. Talk about girl power.

Ann -- "happy" anniversary. i can only hope i can go as liong as u have without having to go on meds. my last CD4 count on 1 Feb was 425 up from 325 in June 07. phew. i hope.

Things are slowing right down with my boyfriend. He wont let me see where he stays and was becoming used to coming to my place. so i was really uncomfortable with him being there and said that my landlord doesnt allow it. i thought that would push him into letting me come to his place but nope. We just meet in town and stand about or go for a movie like a couple of teenagers. He doesnt even have a car for us to neck in! The way things are going i dont really see much hope for us

He wont let me see where he stays and was becoming used to coming to my place.

Tendai, hun, for me that is a red flag that has

MARRIED!!!

written all over it!!!!

I finally got the phone call with my results. My absolute climbed back up by nearly 200 to 489 (from 299) but my percent dropped another three points to 19% (from 22%). My VL is still nice and low at 13,700. I'm not at all pleased about the dropping percentage, but it's still a healthy number. ~shrug~

While I was on the phone with the clinic, I cancelled my March 18th appointment and rescheduled for April 29th. They probably wouldn't have done more bloods in March, but they will in April so I'll wait until then and refuse to panic in the meantime. I still have a feeling I'll be on the meds before the year is out, but at least it looks like I'll have time to go back on the Champix and quit smoking and stop taking the Champix again before I have to think about dealing with any initial side effects HAART may bring.

I didn't have nightsweats last night, so that's something else I'll worry about when and if it happens again.

Queen, I did get rid of whatshisface's posts, but not until a couple hours after you posted about not being able to find them. You weren't missing anything!

Betty, good luck with Liz. She sounds like a winner! If you ever want to talk about staying off the smack, you know where to find me. Been there, done that. Been off it for around 22-23 years now. So long I don't keep track anymore... I just know I haven't had any since before I was pregnant with my daughter and she'll be 21 at the end of April. The day after my next blood draw, in fact.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Tendai, I agree with Ann 100%. If a guy doesn't want you to know where he lives, then there's something he doesn't want you to see-and that's usually a wife. I would insist on it and demand a reason for not seeing it if I were you. You certainly don't want to get screwed over.

Ann, it's been years since I've done any dope (the IV kind anyway). I did have many tumultuous years with other kinds, though. Sometimes I think being diabetic is a good thing for me; it keeps me away from the booze, which I've always over-indulged in also. Nothing like that has ever been at a 'pretty-safe' level with me.

I need to do laundry as well. I'm hoping I will get it done tomorrow. Today I have to go to my father's. I am not looking forward to that I really just want to lay around in jammee's all day. My dad's 80th birthday is next month. I already know what I'm going to get him-Fannie May chocolates. That's his favorite.

Other than that, nothing to report. I hope everyone has a good day (or night depending on where you live). Check back in later-

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Tendai~ HE IS HIDING SOMETHING. No more going to "stand around in town." Tell him you're busy and make him WORK if he wants your attention. Men like that PISS me off. Don't teach him how to treat you, GF......You make me laugh. I was thinking the same thing as I posted "I pray for lots of ice." You know I got my man on the brain. I hope he can fly home safe tomorrow morning, but he is in upstate NY.

Ann, congrats on the good numbers. I wouldn't worry too much about the percentage. I have been on HIV meds since 1995 and know nothing different. Diabetes got me ready for that. You'll be just fine when the time comes.

Leg-Humper sounds like an old friend of Win's with a miniscule amount of posts. I don't know if he read my PMs cause he didn't reply, prob doesn't know how to. Jan was treating him gently since he is new here. Ann, thanks for cleaning up the threads, they are historical, lol!

BT, glad to hear you spoke with Liz. Does she live that far away from you? Nothing better than a hot rendez-vous during cold weather, n'est ce pas?

Queen, you mentioned sex and then talk more about the laundry. WHAT is going on with Kevin? Is he MIA? Have you called him?

Cristy, glad you are taking most of our advice and not going for the horizontal bop with the ex. You know its not worth it. Hell, I'd have us all pitch in and send you a toy before I'd let you go back to that guy, esp from how you said your family would react -- not good. Get out there and date, you had opportunities, I know you did. I know its difficult just with being shy, nevermind the disclosure issue. After I got back into dating, I reached a point where I really tried not to think about the virus at first and what the outcome with a certain guy would be. I felt I owed it to myself to have a choice in who I wanted to date and to actually have a good time while out. If and when I found someone I deemed worthy, then I would start thinking about disclosure. I know, easier said than done, but you owe it to yourself to have fun. What happened to the guy you went out dancing with a few weeks back?

I am going to try to head out and crawl in my Jeep a little later and go to Ice's house. He has a big TV and its cozy there. That way I can see him tomorrow as soon as he gets home. I obviously didn't go to work today. All of the schools are closed, there is ice everywhere, but I think if I go slow, I will be OK. Just waiting for the temp to rise a little, but the highways look good right now. People are zipping along.....

Tendai- I have to agree with Ann, sounds like he is in another relationship at home. What kind of reason has he given you regarding his need to stay at your place?

Ann- Glad your cd numbers climbed despite the drop in the %. My d-day was this past Tuesday the 19th. I had a nice Merlot, though I would have welcomed the guiness. Spencer and I cooked an amazing dinner and I think laughed all night at stupid jokes. It's amazing to look back at your life, for me two years, and how awful it all seemed. Fast forward, I'm happier now then I've ever been.

Betty- Sorry to read you haven't been feeling well. You really have perservered through your habits, losses and physical pain. I think you're one tough cookie...(I sound like my grandmother) eh hem. Having a friend like Liz is quite advantageous, how ever the relationship evolves.

Queen- What's the newest on Kevin? It seems the hottest topic is laundry with everyone. Laundry is such a drag. I've been there where I had to go to the Mat many times in my life. But regardless, it's one of those things that will never end. I have a unit in my house and I still hate it. It's not the washing and folding part that gets to me....its putting them away. Why put them away if I'm just gonna take them out. (I know, if i didn't my room would look like a teenage girl with an ocd clutter issue)

Hope everyone is warm and cozy where ever you may be. It's snowing for the first time here in Jersey and the office is closed. I am, in the office....long story.

Hugs to you all, cin, christy, drag, win and anyone else I may have forgotten.

Addition: I was writing this as you posted Cin LOL Its funny that we both addressed Queen with kevin and laundry. Ok Queen, what's up with that?

Goodmorning LadiesI'm still in dis belief that i slept almost 12 full hours with out any bad dreams about my late husband. Which i can say has never happend before; since the whole thing started back in Jan when my husband was dx: with liver cancer.

Tendai - that's cool i didn't know our names are almost the same. Yeah I agree with the other ladies here; if you haven't seen his place He's hiding something.

Ann- Great to hear your numbers are getting better. And thanks for all the work you do here in the forums.

Blessed- congrats on your littleone He is beautiful. And Born a day before my great niece if i might add.

Thanks again for making me feel so welcomed.I'll check back in with you all later.Have a good day.Paulette

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I have HIV; it doesn't me;)

tendai

Hie Paulette - congrats on the good nights sleep. maybe it means you are starting to heal.

Guys my bf\s excuse is that he doesnt pay rent where he stays or something like that. no first he said it was becoz of some women who lived there who was "causing problems so he was staying with his sister until she kicked him out. now apparently hes staying with frenz. i wont let him in my place i told him my mum is visiting so he cant insist or sulk or throw a tantrum. i just dont get this guy. he sounded so together on the phone, and im less than impressed with the reality of him. he cant even afford to buy me a takeaway. most of the time i pick up the bill and buy food and all. then he expects to come to sleep at my place. i dont think so. . im in an internet cafe while he goes and sorts out some \deal\ with some guy. i said i\d rather not join him as i was tired. then this guy phones. u remember the guy whos married to his \maid\? he calls me said lets get together i miss u. i said u\re married and he flatly denied it! i see him almost everyday with his wife and little son on his lap going to work. does he think im so stupid? honestly hes got some nerve dont u think?

Morning everyone-I am exhausted! I started Atripla the night before last and I don't feel like I have actually slept at all yet. That is my only complaint other than I just feel wierd not a bad wierd but just wierd. I am not sure if it is because I still have some leftover cold from last week or what. I haven't gotten my appetite back yet either.

It started snowing this morning and we are supposed to get 10 inches so I kept the trip lets home. My older son came home from his fathers yesterday so I got to spend some one on one time with him, that was nice. We got some free tickets to the Globe Trotters and went last night, the seats were awful but the kids enjoyed it.

Hi Paulette- Glad to hear you had some good rest and that your business will be picking up. I was actually a tree climber in my former life . I love to do that kind of work and be outdoors working with my hands and getting free exercise.

Moon- That is nice that you get to take the day off from work and relax. I hope Ice makes it back safe and sound too. Do you ever watch John Edwards Crossing Over? He has said that kind of thing you mentioned with the song is your loved one letting you know they are there.

Betty- Sorry to hear that you haven't been feeling well and have been down in the dumps. As far as money goes, is there anything you can do under the table? I had gotten a ton of help from strangers when I first had the trip lets and was alone and I wanted to give back. I recently started volunteering to yard work kind of stuff for elderly, etc and I met someone who liked me and wanted me to do more around her house and she pays me cash. Its not much but it helps. I usually just go over her house do some ironing, take her to appts. Sorry to hear about your Mum passing. That would be nice if things did work out with you and Liz. I hope things get better soon.

Oh, I do remember the cars with the shifts like that. My father is a car buff and is working on a 40 something, has a 50 something ford. I can never remember years, makes or models. I had a 65 Ford pickup with the flip up hood.

Tendai- I have to agree with everyone else and say that your BF is hiding "something" but I think you already knew that since you said you didn't think it would last.

Blessed-Congratulations on your beautiful son! What an angel! Did you have heartburn? I had tons of heartburn and they all told me it was because he had a lot of hair on his head. Old Wives tale, I guess. I hope that you have some help and are getting the rest you need. Don't forget to take care of yourself and don't worry about the cleaning

Queen- My daughter was breech too and she had to have the Pavlic harness for her hips for months after she was born and still goes once a year to get her hips checked. Did your daughter have any hip issues? My pet peeve about laundry is matching socks. I admit I usually just go and buy more because I get so frustrated trying to find matching socks.

Ann- I am glad your numbers are better too. That is definately one of the nice things of being someone with that is poz they understand "things" I have to second Paulette on Thanking you and all the moderators on the forum, you guys all do an awesome job, especially with the "Am I Infected" -you must all have a lot of patience.

Cjc- Iam glad you decided just to keep it about your son, that will probably be the best for you in the long run. You will find someone when you least expect it.

I think I have been trying to type for like 2 hours, it has been a revolving door of kids or me getting up to do something. Hopefully we can all lay down and take a nap today but that is highly unlikely

Hope everyone has a great day! Hi to Sun, Camm, Wish and everyone else

I see fresh snow outside and from the weather, we're suppose to get 1-3 more inches, no ice here. I am just glad to have the laundry done. I love the way my comforter smells after washing it...I feel like I am in one of those laundry commercials..

I guess Kevin is MIA, I haven't heard from him in a week. For some reason my ghetto cell phone company won't allow me to call him because even if he is local, his cell phone tower is based out of Pittsburgh so it is considered a long distance call, WTF? But Kevin knows all this. I was wondering and I am not sure about this, but maybe since he is a nurse, he pulled up my medical records some way? But then I doubt it because even though my doctors work at the same hospital he does, I haven't been there since I gave birth to my youngest son. I usually go to a different hospital if I need to go to the ER or anything. I thought our date last Friday went w/o a hitch. I talked to my bff and told her maybe he is playing the field but she doesn't seem to think so. She says it could be something else, hell if I know what that could be. He is very computer illiterate so it's not like he found this site and put 2+2 together. All in all, I am taking it in stride. If he calls himself just ending it without saying anything, I would consider that a bitch move but I'm not stressing it.

It is good to see so many replies today. It gives me something to say or otherwise this post would've been mighty short... I am glad to see that romance still lives in regards to Cindy and Camms. Hey does your men have any brothers who wouldn't mind a sista? J/K. I dunno maybe the Goddess is telling me that other things in my life need to be in order before a man enters it. But I don't see why, I am such a vibrant thing and really has no baggage, well no more than most people. Tendai, girlllllll...I must scream what the others is saying about your dude, HE IS HIDING SOMETHING And if you are paying for all the meals, dude sounds like a SCRUB.

i starting to think so too but i dont want to come out like i\m materialistic? he sings the love is all that matters song so many times. but i dont really buy it...

Love, shmove. He is a player, plain and simple. And he's playing you. And the more you do everything for him, the more he's going to let you (know what I mean). You need to dump this idiot. I certainly wouldn't be paying for everything. Puhleeze. Get rid of him and move on.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Ok, I am back. I agree with Betty, you need to ditch dude, Tendai. He can sing love is in the air all he wants to. Which brings me to a saying that my Mama use to say," Nothing slides off a wet ass but a crab". Translate it to mean what you want but you should not have to foot the bill for everything.

Snow, No, my daughter didn't have any problems with her hips after being born breach. The doctors just irritated the hell out of me then because I was telling them she was breach all along but since she was my first child, they figured I didn't know what the hell I was talking about.

Ann, I am glad your numbers have gotten better. For some reason, I am still feeling tired, I may just take a nap. Nothing planned for tonight other than watching Smackdown. I'll be back later.

i starting to think so too but i dont want to come out like i\m materialistic? he sings the love is all that matters song so many times. but i dont really buy it...

Go with what your GUT is telling you! I'm serious.....

Snow, I think mediums and people like John Edwards are neat. I never watched his show cause I think its on a cable channel I don't get. Also, I love music A TON and find so much meaning in it. You should check out the thread (in Off-Topic, I believe) "Lyric Picks and Songs that Matter." You could get lost in there. Timtation (screen name thunter34) dedicated "Flying High Again" by Ozzy to me a week or so ago bec I was happy as a clam with my new job and my man.

Queen, Iceman just has an older married sister, otherwise we'd ship you in and set you up with his "brother," 'cept he doesn't have one. That sucks about Kevin. Do you think he's not calling you cause you're not calling him? I mean, I know you can't call him on the ghetto cell phone of yours, but still, sometimes guys will get distracted if the girl doesn't call. That's why I always pick the phone up and butt my lipo ass into whatever is going on. Do you have a house phone as well? Get an AT&T calling card at WalMart. Its pretty cheap and you could call from your house phone. You don't seem to be too phased by all of this, though. What gives? You're more excited about your laundry girl, and that's not right. You're right about being a great catch aka "vibrant thing", so get out there and catch something for yourself, too. Before we know it, you'll be climbing the walls if you're not dating. Work it, GF.....

OK, I see that Blessed's little man is 18 inches long. I was wondering "how in the hell...." when I read 28 inches. Either way, he is adorable!

I am so excited! I am posting this from Iceman's house. He has a 12-pack of Diet Coke in the fridge, tons of snacks and best of all, he called and said to go turn on the gas fireplace. He had been having trouble with it when he first moved here, but I went and flicked the switch on the wall earlier. Ahhhhhhhhhh.......got a pillow to put on the floor and backed up to that fireplace like a kitty cat, warmed my back up and I was OUT. Took a nap for about an hour. I didn't get any sleep last night cause I was up late and then up again early, watching this ice storm move in.

So, now I am watching All My Children on Iceman's huge TV. He recorded it for me. Next, I'll play Guitar Hero. Cheech is here and we're chillin' out. I needed today to just relax. Oh, thank you, God, I am happy today!