Through the night

I honesty don't think I will make it through tonight every decision I make is wrong, every person I touch gets hurt. I've failed in everyway possible as a son, father, brother and husband as a man. I have nothing left to give I've tried to attone for my past mistakes but that will never right the wrongs of my past. I can only hope for forgiveness.............. :blub:

You don't know that every decision you make is wrong, that's just how you see it. If every decision you make is wrong, then maybe this decision is wrong?

From what you said in your other post about calling the people you love and telling them how much you love them, that to me doesn't show failure. I think that failure would be abandoning them and giving in- but that is just my opinion.

Leaving won't make right the wrongs, but there are ways in life to try and right them, and if you can't right them, then you can learn from them and not let them happen again.

I like you, and I relate to you, and its sucks that you can't have decent support because you've been let down by the system a great deal.

I hope you manage to make it through the night and I also hope you keep talking here too. If you feel able, then I also hope you seek proper help (some hospitals are far superior to others and maybe you need one that is better for you).

I've given up, lost hope....can't even think straight. My mind is full of my past my mind is full of the lives I've taken, you think you're doing the right thing until the nightmares happen while you're awake.

I think sometimes that, for want of a better phrase, we have to do what we have to do. It was part of your job, and, because you are a decent person, it has understandably left huge marks on your for what you had to do. Do you judge your soldier colleagues as harshly as you jugde yourself?

Does whatever country you are in (I've confused myself as to where you are now) have any support for soldiers and the problems that come with that? I'm sure you know that many soldiers need psychiatric support after coming back from war because it is so horrific.

There can be treatment to help you deal with it. No, it can't change what you had to do, but killing yourself also won't change what you had to do. There would be ways to honour that child's life though, such as raising money for particular causes, or starting your own charity that relates to what the situation was, or something like that?

You did all you could at the time. You did what was the only choice. In that adrenalin fueled situation, that is all ANYONE can do. If he had shot you because it was his only option, would you want him to be feeling this way 18 years on?

You did all you could at the time. You did what was the only choice. In that adrenalin fueled situation, that is all ANYONE can do. If he had shot you because it was his only option, would you want him to be feeling this way 18 years on?

I can't even begin to imagine the pain you must be feeling but please don't hurt yourself..
you were doing your job and you had no choice..you did what any human being would do..you saved your life and that of others...
you say you have a father, wife and children....for their sakes fight this urge to take your life....
they will be devestated if you suicide and it will leave them with teribble grief and pain...
they would I'm pretty sure rather have you with them forever...
I have lost my son to suicide and it is the worst thing I will ever endure....
I know it's hard when you are in such pain but try to stay for them and with some more help I hope you will get some relief from your pain ....
take care and stay safe...

I'm not in the best space to be offering you support. Matter of fact, i've tried to keep from responding to you and others, for fear i'll say the wrong things. So please forgive me, i'm trying...the beauty of sf we all try the best we can.

look, as far as the reaction you are getting from folks here, are you primarily talking to civilians? They don't know. it's difficult for the most understanding and compassionate of civilians to understand the traumas and horrors of war, and what it is like for a soldier who returns home.

I come from a family and extended family of soldiers. Both my parents marines, my father a lifer and then some. It took a while for me to understand my father and feel compassion. Once he was older, he began talking a bit, not much, and it helped me understand.

I've also known many soldiers who've had similar experiences. yeah, it's something you are going to carry with you, and it's going to hurt It's going to hurt like hell, but it's possible to find ways to ease it. There are things you can do and there are ways to cope. I don't want to get too blunt here...i don't think you are in a good space for that and i tend to be a bit up front. **hugs**

One thing i could relate too, "you think you're doing the right thing until the nightmares happen while you're awake." This is true for many who suffer from ptsd both civilians and soldiers alike. the nightmares happen while you are awake. I know.

it would likely help, for you to talk about it and keep talking about it. Don't let anyone silence you. Don't let other people's reactions silence you. They don't know. They don't know how to cope with these things honestly. There are things you can do to help with the nightmares and daymares. There are some decent online sources with info for ptsd/trauma survivors both for civilians and soldiers.

Stay here. Stay here and talk. The people here really do care. Try to stay with us, ok? sorry if i am not making too much sense, i'm not in a good space myself atm.

**hugs**

edit; have you spoken with other soldiers who have had similar experiences?

Hi I know I can't say I understand how you must feel after going through something like that, I just wanted to write to send a hug :hugs: and to say hang in there. It sounds like there are a lot of people who would not want to lose you and who need you. Hope you manage to get through tonight and maybe you could try to get some support to help you. thinking of you x