Horoscopes

05/01/2013

Cancer The Crab (June 21 to July 22) :: An excellent month for finding the perfect match, though probably not for you. Avoid all cracks or you may break your mother’s back. True story.

Leo The Lion (July 23 to August 23) :: This will be a month of rain and wonder for you, no matter what is happening elsewhere in your house. Be open to new people and new ideas, but not New Jersey.

Virgo The Virgin (August 24 to September 22) :: Someone close to you will have a very big secret soon. It will involve ketchup and a long lost aunt. Act surprised when you hear it, but be prepared to use your ATM often once it’s all in the open.

Libra The Scales (September 23 to October 23) :: Experiment with your wardrobe this month. Free yourself from the conventions of “tops” and “bottoms.” Make a hat from grass—any kind.

Scorpio The Scorpion (duh!) (October 24 to November 21) :: Small children will find you amusing during this period, although the police may have different ideas. This is a wonderful month to try driving with your toes, but not in busy streets or near cliffs. Tie ribbons in your hair, especially your leg hair.

Sagittarius The Archer (November 22 to December 21) :: Your rash will finally heal, but your neighbor will find a similar growth on his cheese so turn down any dinner invites for at least two months.

Capricorn The Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19) :: A female in your family will develop bird-like habits, including walking along the wires outside your home. I counsel keeping your distance, but please take lots of photos and forward them to Tiny Mind Gazette. Who knows? She may be starting a trend, or even expressing a genetic mutation.

Aquarius The Water Carrier (January 20 to February 19) :: This is a wonderful time to break out of your shell. I suggest role-playing. For example, walk into a furniture store and pretend to be a salesperson—give enormous discounts on a living room set and watch the fun ensue. Or buy a can of yellow spray paint, knock on a random door, and tell the occupants you need to mark areas for DigSafe, and then make lines all over their carpet. Isn’t this invigorating?

Pisces The Fish (February 20 to March 20) :: A good month to experience nature. Stand in the woods until a tree falls and listen for a sound. Look for hives made by chipmunks. Invite a badger family to play backgammon or ping pong. Count the rings on a living tree.

Aries The Ram (March 21 to April 20) :: Yes, this is the time to try that thing you’ve been wanting to do. But timing is everything. Ready?......Wait….hold on…… just a bit longer…good, now…hold it……good……okay: swallow! Was it everything you hoped? Okay, now give it back to the cat.

Taurus The Bull (April 21 to May 20) :: Shave your parmesan extra thin, and nail the longer pieces to your front door. This will ward off the bad luck that was heading your way.

Gemini The Twins (May 21 to June 20) :: No one needs to know what’s in your backyard, so don’t feel a need to discuss it, especially during any random radio interviews. It’s a good month for you to look skyward often. When using fast food restaurant sugar or condiments, open all those little packets from the back side only.

Send all your astrological queries to Beau Donie, c/o Tiny Mind Gazette. They will be ignored in the order in which they are received.

02/02/2013

Aquarius (January 20 to February
19) :: Consider the arts. Consider the sciences. Now consider that in most
zoos, the appropriate position of the creatures inside the bars and outside the
bars are tragically reversed.

Boehner the Resistor (February 19.1 to February 19.9) :: Call up someone important
today. Oppose any attempts to compromise your true feelings, no matter how
uncertain you are. Visit North Korea. Stay there.

Pisces The Fish (February 20 to March 20)
:: Travel travel travel. Buy maps and a GPS and a fine walking
stick, and away you go. Bring scented soap and a recipe for making stew from
oak leaves. If you can’t speak a foreign language, make one up.

Aries The Ram (March 21 to April 20) :: Hope
is not a plan. You must get out and participate in life. Move your money into safer investments such
as iron. It’s really heavy and much harder to steal than software. Take more
walks in the starlight. Be open to love. But carry Mace.

Gemini The Twins (May 21 to June 20)
:: The twins experience a rough period. But then things cool down.
Then they ramp up again. Then they relax a bit. But JUST when they get comfortable,
something goes really haywire. But they get over it and eventually all is
smooth. But only for a half-hour, then friggin’ mayhem again. Best to stay home
under the covers for a while. Bring canned goods and a flashlight.

Cancer The Crab (June 21 to July 22) :: Others
will notice your change before you notice it yourself. They may compliment you,
but don’t believe it—it is a way of covering shock. Once you identify the
problem (hint: mirror), get yourself to a veterinarian as fast as possible and
have it removed. Then, before you reenter social company, be ready with a
really good explanation, because that stuff hasn’t happened since the days of
LSD.

Leo The Lion (July 23 to August 23) :: Take
advantage of the New Year by reinventing yourself. This is an intellectual, not
a biological exercise. Previous readers have misplaced essential body parts.
Remember, “wearing your heart on your sleeve” is just a figure of speech.

Virgo The Virgin (August 24 to September 22)
:: This is an excellent month for you to eat foods that begin with the
letter “R.” But remember to ramp up your exercising. Love may be waiting right
around the corner, but if it jumps out of a cardboard box, keep walking.

Libra The Scales (September 23 to October 23)
:: Give
vent to your compulsive side. Plan a “Dance to Autumn” party.
Send out invitations today and allow the event to entirely consume you for the
next six months. Assign, reassign, and reassign seating arrangements once more until
you get writer’s cramp. Visit numerous flower shops and bakeries. Make giant
origami from sheets of industrial aluminum. Audition bands in your basement.
Pass out leaflets at elementary schools. Carry cash for bail.

Scorpio The Scorpion (duh.) (October 24 to November
21) :: Be more fun at the
workplace. In your next meeting, pretend you’re an
astronaut and there’s no bathroom on board. When you turn in your next report,
sign it in ketchup. Have a wooikie record your voicemail message. Watch how
people start reacting to you differently.

Sagittarius The Archer (November 22 to December 21)
:: It’s time to clean up your
language. Respect others more and you’ll gain more respect. Water your plants
and your pets on alternate days. If a policeman steps up to you, whistle show
tunes as rapidly as possible.

Capricorn The Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19)
:: Romance is in the wings, perhaps an old flame will renew or a new
one will ignite. In any case, wear asbestos over vital areas. Now is not the
time to be shy. If an attractive person approaches you, declare your feelings:
“You’re hot!” or “You make me feel like a natural woman!” or “Boxers or briefs?—who
cares?—let’s all go commando for the weekend!”

For February, Beau Donie is available for free personal psychic consultations every Monday through Thursday,
6-9pm at the main branch of the Wapatusset Library. “Find me under “s” for “sychic.””

10/11/2011

Eat carrots like there was no tomorrow. Play bunnies and foxes with the family. Make munching sounds at work and squiggle your nose up in the grocery store check out line. Not a good month to ask for a raise.

Expect more anxiety this month from unexpected places. Something horrible may happen—or not—but it’s best to check everything twice. For good luck, whenever you go out, be sure to take the exact same path home. Leave markers or little flags if you find that helpful along the way.

Hug your boss once a week. He or she wants to get to know you better.

Take a course in another state this month. Pick a subject that is way out your comfort zone—like knitting concrete, or chugging oil.

This month the dream becomes reality: invest all your savings onto the Tiny Mind Gazette(cash only--in small bills please) and watch as leaves turn color and snow eventually arrives. See? YOU made that happen. Tell others how you did it. Rejoice in your wisdom.

If you choose to exaggerate this month, go big—really big. Tell whoppers. Claim an ancient Norse kingdom. Show the birth certificates of your 297 children. Tell how you have never once lost your keys.

Embrace your mistakes. Make lots this month, some of them on purpose. Strive to not believe everything you believe. Question the concept of “bathing.”

Whip up a new technology. Why not? This is a month to shine. If you tackle time travel, let us know how the future turns out. (And remember who was your best buddy and supporter back in 2011.)

Ask your fellow workers for more personal space. In group meetings, get at least two chairs between you and the next person. Get one of riot police plastic shields if they don’t get the message. Smile often, particularly in the restroom.

An excellent month to express yourself(in song only)–especially at gas stations and movie theaters.

The creative urge will strike at unusual times. Rearrange fence posts at your park or maybe changes all the signs above the grocery store aisles. Others may object, but this is the real you coming out and you should go with it. Also, double your medications.

Someone is tempting you to make a long commitment: new job? New relationship? New set of just slightly used golf clubs complete with head covers and original packaging, designed for longer and straighter ball striking in all conditions (email scrim@greyote.com). Then go with it. You only live once. And they’re in beautiful condition.

09/01/2011

Virgo The Virgin(August 24 to September 22)—An excellent month to test your bravery. Sometime in the next 30 days, something will attack you in the basement. You will pee your pants. But stand your ground—wait until the fangs have sunk deeply into your flesh and then do a back flip. That should break its jaw. Run upstairs and call the animal control guy. (And while you’re at it, have him pick up a nice mocha latte on the way.)

Libra The Scales(September 23 to October 23)— The color orange will serve you well as the moon is in ascension. Cupid has you in his sights this month, but the little goofball let his arrows get rusty, so get a tetanus shot the second you see someone attractive.

Scorpio The Scorpion(duh!) (October 24 to November 21)—You will hear from an old relative during this time. Possibly a dead one. Get the secret handshake before showing off your jewelry.

Sagittarius The Archer(November 22 to December 21)—You’ll find appetites on the rise as the weather cools. Or is it the weather will raise as your appetite cools? The archipelago seems to be broken on our vacuumizer, so we will keep your informed of any imminent crises. Meanwhile, remember to hydrate. And hydrate to remember.

Capricorn The Mountain Goat(December 22 to January 19)—Bumper cars!! Go find them and drive them, but keep off major highways.

Minke The Whale(January 20 to February 19)—An especially good time to hunt for a special antique. Chances are she’s hiding in the attic. Lure her out with a trail of cheddar chunks.

Pisces The Fish(February 20 to March 20)—Oopsie! We meant to get this in last month’s horoscope, but are reprinting here as a public service: Hurricane Irene is coming and will probably make a mess in many local communities, Wapatusset among them. Prepare for big waves, heavy winds, and boats tearing away from moorings and such. Don’t leave little animals outside. Except the ones who already live outside.

Aries The Ram(March 21 to April 20)—Don’t wear socks with flip-flops this month. Lots of summer yet to go and you don’t want to overheat those cute little toesies. Put muffins in the toaster, but only toast the left side.

Gemini The Twins(May 21 to June 20)—Google yourself frequently during this period. Chances are good that people are starting horrible rumors about you, though most will be false. Rent a pair of those new interweb-trained dogs to hunt down the perpetrators. Report them to the authorities and Louie The Walnut, just to make it interesting.

Taurus The Bull(April 21 to May 20)—This month is a prime time for shipping things. Buy something and send it, even if only to yourself. Jupiter is in retrograde, though; so don’t send anything to Florida.

Cancer The Crab(June 21 to July 22)—This is a good month to rein in your entrepreneurial impulses. Hold off before announcing your dazzling new “app.” Others may not be so impressed when they see the strings hanging off of it. Go back to the drawing board and think more “digital.”

Leo The Lion(July 23 to August 23)—Dance as if no one was watching. Sing as if no one was listening. Spend a month alone in an isolated cabin way up in the mountains until you get this crazy crap out of your system.

Please send all your astrological queries to Beau Donie, c/o TinyMindGazette.com who will sift them through his psychic blender and bring them to a state of optimal advisoriness.