When a Loved One Has Depression

8 tips to help you cope.

by Pearl Goldman

The suicide of beloved comic actor Robin Williams has again brought the topic of depression to the forefront. I cannot imagine what it feels like to have the weight of such unendurable despair that is so intense you cannot bear even staying in this world. But I know all too well what it is like to live with family members who have depression. One of my parents, a sibling, my husband, and one of my children have also suffered from this black cloud, in varying degrees, and for varying lengths of time. I have spent much of my life living with people I love with all my heart who often have trouble feeling happy or optimistic. This is in itself is very, very painful.

Depression runs in families, and seems to be especially common among Ashkenazi Jews. Maybe our difficult history somehow let it seep into our psychological DNA. Depressive episodes don’t necessarily have causes. While traumatic events can trigger depression, in many cases it is part of a person’s psychological make-up, and I was at first baffled when years ago, my daughter, who had everything going for her, including friends and success in school, suddenly descended into a black cloud, seemingly “for no reason.”

Too often I have seen “that look” on a loved one’s face: the grimly set mouth, eyes slightly hooded, shoulders slumped, the entire demeanor broadcasting the message to stay away, that she cannot cope now. I had to learn that my daughter’s or sister’s or father’s or husband’s depression was not my fault, that I didn’t do anything wrong as a child, sibling, spouse or parent to “cause” it. I have also had to learn coping skills to deal with it. Here are some of the most important lessons I have learned about living with someone who has depression.

1. Offer your love and support emphatically and consistently, especially when your loved ones are in their least lovable states. A depressed person has trouble believing in herself, no matter how much she has going for her. Hearing someone say, “I love you” and “I believe in you,” and knowing that they mean it emphatically, is hugely important. Your expressions of love will register, even if they cannot be returned at that time.

2. Get help to deal with your own stress. You need to still try to live your life to its fullest, and you have to balance all your other obligations in addition to being a caretaker of sorts for a depressed person. Confide in wise and close friends. Support groups or short-term therapy could be a good idea.

3. You cannot “convince” someone not to be depressed. Nor can you “cheerlead” her out of an episode. Accept the reality that these episodes will repeat from time to time, but that they will pass. Offer that same reassurance to your beloved family member that you know it will pass, like a wave.

4. It is not okay for someone with serious depression to refuse treatment or stay in denial. If that is the case, she has no right to expect ongoing unconditional support. The behavior and moods of a person with depression affect everyone around them, and it is their responsibility to acknowledge the problem and agree to a plan of action. It is helpful to reassure the person that there is nothing to feel guilty about if they need to take medications to stabilize moods. Just like a diabetic needs insulin, someone with significant depression will need medication on a short-term or perhaps long-term basis, as well as therapy. I have been fortunate that most of the relatives I have dealt with have recognized the need to be proactive and been willing to get help.

5. Take care of yourself and do not let the wave of depression engulf you. Just like when you are in an airplane and advised that if traveling with children, you need to put on your own oxygen mask first before putting it on your child, you need to do things that lift you up, provide you with satisfaction and joy. In fact, it is extremely important for your loved one to see that you are making self-care a priority, especially in cases where a relative, consciously or not, uses their depression as a tool to exert power over you.

6. People predisposed to depression are predisposed to it in their own individual ways. When life’s accumulated stressors or traumas line up in a certain way, the result can be anxiety, depression or even schizophrenia. Our genetic make-up is God-given, and because our make-up is so unique, it is not easy to find the right therapeutic modality right off the bat. For some people, a combination of medication and cognitive-behavioral therapy works well; for others, dialectical-based therapy (DBT), psychodynamic therapy, or mindfulness based stress reduction work better. This is only a short list of treatments that can help. Start with a good therapist who will be willing to offer referrals to other practitioners if he or she cannot help get results.

7. Take it one day at a time. Don’t allow worrying thoughts to pile on, imagining “what if” scenarios that have bad endings. A friend of mine gave me a little laminated card with this bit of wisdom: “Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles; it empties today of its strengths.” Stay strong by pushing long-term worries away.

8. Pray. This is an opportunity to grow closer to God and to ask Him to help you. I have told God very directly, “I cannot do this without You. I need Your help.” And I have found comfort and solutions in this. One year ago, right before Rosh Hashanah, I began to pray like I never prayed before for my daughter to heal from persistent depression. And for the first time, I replied to an advertisement from an organization in Jerusalem to have someone pray for my child at the Kotel for 40 days. While I believe in prayer, I had considered these annual pray-for-something-or-someone at the Kotel pitches to mostly be about fundraising. But last year, when things looked very dark, I figured I had nothing to lose and possibly much to gain. I wrote to the organization about my very wonderful child and all her talents and potential. I sent a picture of her. I also had everyone else in our immediate family also say the special prayer that was being said for her during those 40 days. At first things got worse, but after two weeks we had a wonderful breakthrough, finding a new and different treatment that has worked better than anything else has over the course of many years. I believe that heartfelt prayer does work, and that the Almighty is the ultimate Healer.

Depression is an illness that can be pernicious and debilitating, and it takes a toll on those near and dear. But there is always hope for a better tomorrow, and with effort, teamwork, faith and patience, you and your loved one will survive those occasional black clouds and see the sun shining through again.

If you are struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, please seek help.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 19

(13)
Anonymous,
April 17, 2015 3:40 PM

10 Suggestions for Life

I have battled with depression for almost 20 years.Everyone in my immediate family has it.Over the years, I wrote up a list of 10 suggestions for everyday life to help with others who might have to live with this struggle too:1) Once a day, do something especially nice just for yourself.2) Exercise until your heart beats faster. It might not help your heart; but, you'll feel better afterwards.3) Buy a self-help book that "talks" to you. Read, at least one page per day.4) ALWAYS, get out of bed, showered, and dressed EVERY morning.5) Spend TWO minutes a day either: a) smiling, b) thinking happy thoughts; or c) laughing.6) Buy a Joke book, and read it until you laugh out loud. Save the rest for tomorrow.7) Go to a web site that has funny videos, stories, or jokes; and stay until you laugh out loud.8) Take a picture of your estranged, ex, boss, or whoever; and spend five minutes spitting at it, sticking you tongue out at it, throwing darts at it, whatever. But, get your tensions out.9) Spend some "quiet" time with a child, friend, or loved one.10) Always remember that SOMEBODY loves you (G-d, Father, Mother, Sister, Brother, Spouse, Friend, Significant Other, SOMEONE!!!); AND that YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

Finally, I just want to repeat the plea of the article:If you have a feeling of bad depression:PLEASE, SEEK HELP!!!

(12)
Larry Schnebly,
September 3, 2014 1:46 AM

Tough but survivable!

Our Wife, Mother, Friend and chief Care-Giver suffered (as we ALL did) through a stretch of this. She, thank God, sought medical and psychological and spiritual help. RECOVERY INTERNATIONAL is a system which she recommends highly. I do, too. Google it.

(11)
Anonymous,
August 20, 2014 2:28 PM

Thank You For Your Honesty

I have suffered from chronic severe depression most of my life. It always has been a secret. And while my parents talked about medication in a similar fashion to the above, there was still a shroud placed around my illness. no one was allowed to know my struggles. As an adult I have had matches break up with me and friends leave because they thought I could snap out of it. Thank you for your honesty and I thank your daughter for allowing you to use her story to help others. How courageous! May Robin Williams' death result in a greater understanding of this horrible disease.

(10)
Wilma Meyer,
August 20, 2014 8:57 AM

Depression, like heart disease and cancer is an illness that leads to death if left untreated. It is NOT a SHAMEFUL thing. Get help and treatment please people, we love and care for you.

something,
August 26, 2014 10:22 PM

i know that this is true, depression shouldnt be something to be ashamed of but in todays society, i am too scared to tell anyone about my depression... i wish society would not look down on those who are suffering through this terrible condition

(9)
Anonymous,
August 19, 2014 7:01 PM

Name of organization in Jerusalem

Thanks for sharing your experience. Could you please give me the name of the organization in Jerusalem? I would really like them to pray for me for a specific ordeal I'm going through.

Pearl,
August 22, 2014 5:14 PM

prayers for your loved one

The organization that arranged the prayer for my daughter is called WesternWallPrayers.com.

(8)
Jewish Mom,
August 18, 2014 3:28 PM

In Israel, call Bayit Cham

In Israel, call Bayit Cham: 1599-510-550 - they have 10 mental health clinics with a great variety of services, including the methods describe in this article and more.

(7)
Anonymous,
August 17, 2014 11:14 PM

suffering through depression

as a young child i was diagnosed with depression - i always knew that it wasnt normal to experience what i was going through but my parents never told me what i was diagnosed with - i went though the routine treatments, psychologist and psychiatrist wiht medication... i was a TERROR as a child, incredibly difficult in school and at home - i thank my wonderful parents for their incredible support and encouragement as i went through my "funky" periods - my friends and teachers would never beleive what i went thruogh - i put on a great facade - BH wiht much effort on my part, i became incredibly succesful in and out of school, running volunteer programs and even becoming valedictorian at my high school graduation!depression is a challenge that people cant just leave, it is not a choice, it is a struggle - i just want the world to know 3 things - 1)if you know someonme who is depressed, dont five up on them, they can accomplish great things!2) most people who have depression dont tell others - dont assume your peers are who they seem at face value3)depression isnt something that just stops, its not a bad mood, it is a real mental condition and i wish people whould understand that!thank you

hadassa,
August 19, 2014 10:37 PM

thank you for the inspiration

(6)
Stu,
August 17, 2014 7:44 PM

Why the psuedonym?

Great information but the very need for the author to hide behind a pseudonym says it all- the stigma of depression in our community remains the topic.

a,
August 19, 2014 6:05 PM

I agree that the stigma associated with depression is a problem, however, I don't know if this woman would be halachically allowed to write this article about her specific family members when people will recognize who they are. Sure, if the daughter and husband and father and sister gave their express permission, the author might have written her name.

Anonymous,
June 4, 2015 10:00 AM

To commenter a re: halacha

The woman who wrote this article is doing a MAJOR mitzvah. She is not committing lashan hara. Perhaps the family members gave their permission to have their stories told. That does not mean they want their real names used. Even if I recognized the people in the article (which I do not), this does not mean it should not have been written. The only harm would be if someone sits around trying to guess the identities of these people. Otherwise, it is extremely helpful for folks to know they are not alone as they battle their depression. Btw--I had an aunt who suffered from bipolar disorder.

(5)
Jeff,
August 17, 2014 7:25 PM

Excellent Article

As a person suffering from bouts of depression (Bipolar, which has other factors) I would only add that if you're trying to offer support for someone who is depressed, it has to be sincere. If you don't know what to say, just offer them the opportunity to be with someone who understands their pain.

sonia,
August 18, 2014 3:37 PM

I'm not sure what you mean

Sometimes I really don't know what to say when a depressed loved one hits rock bottom and explains to me, many times over, why, his life has no meaning, is not rewarding, and a doctor is no sense. Whn all words are over I just give love. What do you mean by someone else? I seem to be the one in the familiy that has more patience and love to give to this depressed, and the closest.

(4)
Anonymous,
August 17, 2014 5:52 PM

Thamk you

Thank you very much for this very insightful , and informative article. Not only have you helped me understand a situation ; you gave me hope , encouragement , and practical idea' s
.

(3)
Geraldo Nery,
August 17, 2014 5:17 PM

Thank you!

Thank you. You have helped me a great deal sharing your experiences. Thank you from the bottom and with all strengths of my heart. Thank you! From Brazil. Geraldo Avnery

(2)
Anonymous,
August 17, 2014 3:25 PM

More Please!

Please continue to write about this topic. My husband is chronically depressed and it's very challenging to live with. I am sorry for him, but it is very difficult for me too.

(1)
Yehudith Shraga,
August 17, 2014 2:24 PM

Stay strong

Thank you for sharing your experience. May haShem give you srength and faith to help your loved ones in the situations of need.

We have a canistel (or eggfruit) tree our backyard which we’d like to get rid of. We do not eat its fruit, and the fruit and leaves make a constant mess. I haven’t found anyone who is interested in its fruit – even to take it from us for free. I would like to replace it with an orange tree (we live in Miami). Is there any problem doing so?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah actually writes specifically that we may not cut down fruit trees (Deuteronomy 20:19-20). From this the Sages learn a more general principle that one may not purposelessly waste or destroy anything of value – food, good utensils, clothes, etc. (see e.g. Talmud Baba Kama 91b, Shabbat 140b).

The Talmud (Baba Kama 91-92) distinguishes that whenever there is a legitimate reason, one may cut down a fruit tree – if it damages other trees or plants, if it’s not productive and not worth its upkeep, if it’s more valuable for the wood, etc. The commentators include in this dispensation when ones needs the space the tree is growing on (Rosh Baba Kama 8:15).

There is, however, a frightening line in the Talmud there which makes people much more hesitant to rely on the above leniency. Rabbi Chanina stated that his son died young as a punishment for his cutting a fig tree before its time. Thus apart from the legal issue of destroying a productive tree, this law appears to carry with it severe Divine retribution.

Most authorities explain that this punishment is incurred only if a person cuts down a fruit tree without legitimate reason, but there is a minority opinion that it is incurred even if the tree is cut with good reason.

As a result, even in cases where a legitimate reason applies, people generally take an extra precaution of first selling the tree to a non-Jew, and having a non-Jew do the actual cutting. (The entire prohibition does not apply to non-Jews.) Your case is also better in that you are cutting one fruit tree to plant another, more productive one. Even with all of this, it’s preferable, if possible, to leave a part of the original tree intact.

In 1942, Hitler devised a plan for a Museum of Judaism, to remember the dead Jewish religion, culture and people. Millions of Jewish treasures -- Torah scrolls, ritual objects, books and art -- were looted by the Nazis and taken to warehouses. In Czechoslovakia, the objects were taken to the Jewish Museum in Prague, where the Jews themselves were forced to sort, label, and pack the items for use in the Nazi's future museum. After the war, many of these items were recovered, including thousands of Torah scrolls and nearly one million books. These were distributed to Jewish communities worldwide, as a living testimony to the indestructibility of the Jewish people.

One who humiliates another person in public ... even though he may be a scholar and may have done many good deeds, nevertheless loses his portion in the eternal world (Ethics of the Fathers 3:15).

Imagine a situation: you have a fine home, a well-paying job, a comfortable car, and a substantial retirement annuity. If you do a single thoughtless act, you will lose everything you have worked to achieve: home, job, car, and savings. What kind of precautions would you take to avoid even the remotest possibility of incurring such a disaster? Without doubt, you would develop an elaborate system of defenses to assure that this event would never occur.

The Talmud tells us that everything we have worked for during our entire lives can be forfeited in one brief moment of inconsideration: we embarrass another person in public. Perhaps we may say something insulting or make a demeaning gesture. Regardless of how it occurs, the Talmud states that if we cause another person to turn pale because of being humiliated in public, we have committed the equivalent of bloodshed.

Still, we allow our tongues to wag so easily. If we give serious thought to the words of the Talmud, we would exercise the utmost caution in public and be extremely sensitive to other people's feelings, lest an unkind word or degrading gesture deprive us of all our spiritual merits.

Today I shall...

try to be alert and sensitive to other people's feelings and take utmost caution not to cause anyone to feel humiliated.

With stories and insights,
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