Sisters' lifelong rivalry escalates into silence

Sunday

Jul 9, 2017 at 4:00 AM

By JEANNE PHILLIPS Columnist

DEAR ABBY: Our daughters aren't speaking. One says she really doesn't "like" the other. These are mature women who have had their differences throughout their lives. But they have tolerated each other, one more than the other.

The older one claims her sister posted not-so-nice things about her. The younger one threatens not to attend any gatherings if her sister is there. This needs to be resolved before years go by and our family is torn apart.

They stopped speaking a month ago -- on their dad's birthday yet. It was one of the worst days of our lives. We're in our 80s, and I may never again see them together. The older one says she's willing to go to counseling, but the younger refuses.

We're desperate for a reconciliation. They don't have to be best friends, just be civil and tolerate a holiday together for our sake. Please advise. -- HELPLESS AND SAD IN DALLAS

DEAR HELPLESS AND SAD: Unless both of your daughters are willing to accept counseling or mediation, they will not reconcile. For your younger daughter to resort to emotional blackmail ("if she's there, I won't be") is despicable. Please do not give in to it. Tell her that if she decides to change her mind, she's always welcome, and then proceed without her. You may be desperate for a reconciliation, but until your daughters are, it won't happen and you will have to accept it.

DEAR ABBY: Recently I was listening to a couple talking about who and who not to invite to a wedding because seating was limited.

I'm wondering whether there would be anything wrong with sending out a letter stating that although they would like to invite everyone, seating is limited. Explain that, of course, immediate family (parents, siblings and their spouses) would be invited without exception. However, the remaining seating would be on a "lottery" basis. If people accept the invitation, they would be in the lottery and then notified of the results.

Is this acceptable? I think it would solve a lot of problems. Just wondering. -- JUST A THOUGHT IN OHIO

DEAR JUST A THOUGHT: If I were you, I would forget this concept. Depending upon the size of the guest list, I strongly suspect it would offend anyone who didn't "win" the lottery.

DEAR ABBY: I sometimes have social anxiety. I would like to go out with friends and acquaintances, but I worry I won't have enough to talk about or won't know what to say, and it makes me nervous. Do you have any advice? -- LONER IN ILLINOIS

DEAR LONER: Almost everyone has social anxiety to some extent. If your only worry is that you won't have enough to talk about, don't let it stop you. Most people like to talk about themselves and will appreciate a good listener.

If you would like to bring up topics, listen to the news or read your newspaper and jot down a few topics. If your level of anxiety is so high that you cannot interact with others, then it's time to discuss it with your physician and ask for a referral to someone who can give you medical and psychological help.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.