Torah with Morrie #16: Being Number Two

The pitfalls of trying to always be Number One.

"It is 1979, a basketball game in the Brandeis gym. The team is doing well, and the student section begins a chant, 'We're number one! We're number one!' Morrie is sitting nearby. He is puzzled by the cheer. At one point, in the midst of 'We're number one!', he rises and yells, 'What's wrong with being number two?' The students look at him. They stop chanting. He sits down, smiling and triumphant." (Tuesdays with Morrie)

When we think about it honestly, trying to be 'number one' in a competition is not so healthy for one's character. If I can only succeed by putting you down, doesn't that make me wish for you to fail, more than drive me to succeed?

You have to wonder about professional sports leagues. Every team begins the season thinking and hoping that they will win the championship. Yet everyone knows that only one team will be smiling at the end of the season. Every other team will look back at the season as having been a failure. Why? Because we have created a society which preaches that if you are not the best, then you are not worth much.

No one really believes the old sports saying, "It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game."

The other oft-quoted saying is everyone's real philosophy, "Winning isn't everything; it's the only thing."

We live in an environment that motivates through rivalry. And this is a tragedy. As E.R. Holman said, "The desire to win must be wedded to an ideal, an ethical way of life. It must never become so strong that it dwarfs every other aspect of the game of life." Even our schools have student-comparison charts on the bulletin board and Bees to determine who knows the material best. The focus has shifted from 'who knows things well' to 'who knows things best.'

The Torah has a term for this that is not very complimentary, 'mitkabed bekalon chaveiro,' gaining respect through another's disgrace. Such conduct, done continuously throughout one's life, carries serious consequences (Rambam, Laws of Repentance 3:14).

If all I have to do to be successful is to beat you, it's a whole lot easier to cause you to do worse than me, rather than to get myself to do better than you. The result: students will not push themselves to truly reach their personal maximum if all they have to do to flourish is defeat someone else.

Does it really make sense to reward the brightest students more for easily winning than the slower ones who are doing their best?

And what happens to the weaker students who know that they cannot actually win the competition? What is their drive to do their best? Does it really make sense to reward the brightest students more for easily winning than the slower ones who are doing their best?

It is true that "The envy of scholars increases wisdom" (Baba Batra 21a) but this does not mean we should compete with someone else. We are supposed to observe the accomplishments of those around us, learning from them in motivating ourselves to excel as best as we can. We don't rival others; we learn from their example.

If I see that my friend completed the entire Talmud by studying a page a day (Daf Yomi) I should take note and see where I can apply the same diligence in my life. I don't look to compete with him. It may actually be unrealistic for me to copy what he did. But I certainly can become inspired and, as a result, enhance my personal Torah study habits.

Watch kids when they play sports. Do they play for exercise and for the development of their skills, or do they play in order to win? Have you seen the way otherwise pure, good-natured kids, will transform into screaming tigers on the baseball field?

"He was safe!" "No way, he was out!" When the kids choose up sides, do they try to even out the teams so they will have a good competition, or do they seek to get the best players in order to win the contest? Are they not humiliating their friend in public when they avoid picking the 'loser' players? How does the last kid picked feel when nobody wants him?

Yes, we should be competitive, but only with ourselves. If I ran the track in 10 minutes last week, let me try to run it in 9 minutes today. If I got a 90 on the last test, let me attempt to get a 95 this time. Winning does not have to mean defeating someone else. It can be accomplished by struggling against ourselves, trying to improve upon our personal past performance.

We don't have to be Number One. We can be Number Two or even Seventy-three, as long as we are striving to attain personal greatness.

In God's book, the utmost Torah scholar and holy man, and the simplest Jew can be equal.

"Every person is fit to be as righteous as Moses, our Teacher."
(Rambam, Laws of Repentance 5:2)

God doesn't expect everyone to perform superhuman feats, as Moses did. We won't ever reach the heights of prophecy Moses reached and speak to God face to face, but if we live our lives properly and according to the ways of G-d, and we maximize our personal abilities and potentials, we can be as righteous as Moses.

Through Torah study, performing acts of kindness, and observing the Torah's commandments properly, according to our God-given abilities, we are being as righteous as Moses

We should try to internalize the statement of our Sages, "Everyone is obligated to ask himself, 'When will my actions reach those of my forefathers, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob?" (Midrash Eliyahu Rabba, ch. 25)

One of the most famous explanations of this statement is that although we really shouldn't fool ourselves into thinking we can become as holy and great as the Patriarchs and Matriarchs, we must attempt to go that far if we are to accomplish anything at all. As the expression goes, "Shoot for the moon. At the very least, you'll end up among the stars!"

This is a vital lesson as we approach the New Year. God judges us on Rosh Hashana based upon what He expects from us, not whether we are Number One. Each one of us is viewed by God as an entire world and He determines whether this world is accomplishing its purpose.

"The root of all service of God is to comprehend and internalize what his (each person's) obligation is in his world" (Ramchal, Path of the Just).

Maybe we're better than all the rest. But have we done all that we could have done to reach our individual potential?

May God grant us life and prosperity in both the spiritual and physical realms and may He guide us to become all that we can be.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Rabbi Boruch Leff is a vice-principal at Torah Institute in Baltimore. "Are You Growing?" (Feldheim), his just released book, is a must read if you want to grow spiritually. Click here for info on the book.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 1

(1)
chava,
November 14, 2010 7:09 PM

Even competing against oneself sets up a situation of feeling like a failure.

You're so right. It hurts me to watch the competition that goes on in schools and in some families. I remember once when my grandson & his friend came in from playing something similar to shooting baskets. He announced that he got 25 and his friend got 12. How much nicer it would have been to hear that they had gotten 37! Even competing against oneself, I think, is unhealthy. If I got 90 on a test last week, and this week I get only 87, I feel I've failed. Maybe the test was harder. Maybe the subject material was more difficult. Maybe I didn't feel well today. Maybe I was taking care of a sick baby last night instead of studying. But, even without comparing me to others, even just comparing me to myself, I've failed. If I do well, I don't want to try to do even better. I just want to avoid trying again for fear I might not do as well. Let's abolish grades in school and in life.

Submit Your Comment:

Name:*

Display my name?

YesNo

Email:*

Your email address is kept private. Our editor needs it in case we have a question about your comment.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!