Seeking to answer the question "How could they throw that away?" by posing the equally problematic question "Why in the hell did I just buy that?"

Sunday, October 07, 2007

I WOULDN'T EAT OFF THAT... If I Were You

The first time I went in a thrift store as an adult (23 counts, right?) I was desperately looking for a ship captain's hat for a stupid Halloween costume (U-Boat commander... yeah, no one else got it either). Anyhow, I ran in this tiny little store, looked around at all the "crap," and of course I didn't find what I was looking for, so I left, disappointed. I didn't yet understand that thrift stores don't work like regular stores.

The second time I went in a thrift store was probably a few months later. This time I just browsed around at whatever they had there, and I remember finding a GAP sweater for $2.00. It didn't fit, but I was so shocked you could find a $40 sweater for two bucks I just had to buy it.

A few years later, the first thing I ever bought at a thrift store and then later sold (yes, I'm one of those eBay hucksters) was a railroad mug. I payed 49 cents for it and unloaded it for a whopping $4.

By that time I had realized there were goodies in every nook and cranny of the thrift store and I had better investigate it from all angles. The good stuff, of course, is interspersed between a lot of crap, some of it funny and some of it disturbing.

In the kitchenware section there's always plenty of stuff that makes you cringe or wonder if it will ever get purchased. Especially since our feeling of food and comfort are so closely linked.

Getting your picture taken on a city balcony and having it put on a plate probably seemed like a great idea that one time you went to Hong Kong with your seniors group, but here are the results. Can you imagine eating a Salisbury steak while staring down at an unflattering picture of yourself? Me neither. Apparently she came to her sense and sent this off to Goodwill for our viewing pleasure.

Okay, this is far cuter, to be sure, but what is exactly going on here? First of all, are we supposed to "eat your honey" while slurping it out of this juice glass? Or, if you're drinking apple juice out this glass, wouldn't it just confuse your taste buds? And what's with these bees? One looks confused and angry and the other is smiling while he falls over. How does that imply honey is healthy? Is honey healthy or just sweet bee snot?

This cup says to me: "I re-upped for your crummy war and all I got was the crummy coffee mug." Hope they at least got a nice tote bag or t-shirt to go with it.

Only slightly better than staring at yourself while you eat is staring at Lorne Greene and Michael Landon while you chug your hot cocoa out of a rusty mug. Yum. But, oh that Dan Blocker, he's so dreamy! I could stare at him all day. Hey, where the heck is Pernell Roberts? No love for Adam Cartwright?

I'm not a fan of mushrooms. Something about eating fungus. I can't really understand why images of mushrooms were so prevalent on kitchenware in the 70s. There is no way in hell I would ever drink from this pitcher. Can you imagine it filled with milk or orange juice? Excuse me while I upchuck a little.

"Miracle Kitchen Clamp." Yeah, right. Calling Dr. Mengele, Dr. Joseph Mengele. The only question I have is "Is it safe?"

What could be more patriotic than a bowl full of Cap'n Crunch and the pallid, glassy faces of the founding fathers with their cold, dead zombie eyes regarding the signing of the Declaration of Independence? How about not reducing your country's foundational moment to a Corningware pattern. Don't even get me started about the historical inaccuracies.

More patriotism on a plate. First of all, is this Lincoln's tombstone? Secondly, I realize a child made this (or perhaps a psych ward inmate), so I can excuse the coloring outside the lines, but it makes Honest Abe, the Rail-Splitter, the Great Emancipator look like a dirty hippie, maybe even Charles Manson-like. Not so good for the digestion.

What I love about this is tub for grease is how boldly it's labeled and that apparently every good 1950s kitchen needed a huge bucket of grease. Mmmmmm, just like Grandma used to make.

Some might say these mustachioed and decapitated chefs' heads are delightfully whimsical. I think you know by now how I feel about whimsy. I don't really trust their faces, either.

I will admit that these sake cups are cooler, but there's something creepy looking about ugly, grumpy, hairy old-men wrapped up like babies scowling back at you. I'm sure there's a traditional Japanese folk tale that explains everything, but I think I'd rather have the DTs.

Not a piece of demented kitchenware, but it does involve indigestion of a kind. I just love that both books were right next to each other. I wonder if the original owner found what they needed. Just a drop or two in Bob's coffee. That will teach him to mock my kitchenware. Maybe the cops are getting wise. The books said it was untraceable poison, right? Can they hear that incessant heart-beat from under the floorboards?It's Deafening!!!

These would be great on a coffee table, though, huh? Just to keep your significant-other in line.

Finally, what can only be described as a big , nasty, brown poop jar. Perfect for your Oreo cookies, Baby Ruth candy bars and Tootsie Rolls. Bon appétit!

Ha ha! We actually have a Ponderosa cup. The picture is different and it does have Pernell "Trapper John M.D." Roberts on it. A 99 cent bargain from Savers in Reno, NV.

We also have this really weird little thing that holds garlic. It's a ceramic head of garlic wearing a chef's hat & he was a clothespin on his nose. Presumably because he's so stinky he can't stand himself. This thing has such a sourpuss face, we just call it ED ASNER. "Hey Honey, can you look in Ed Asner and see if we have any garlic left?"

Well, I think you are thinking much too G-rated for a lot of that stuff. The bee on the "juice" cup is obviously hammered. Maybe it was a mead cup? Maybe there was some trendy mixed drink in the 50's that was made with honey? Regardless of the bizarre reference we're missing there, that bee was snockered.

And why were there pictures of mushrooms all over 70's stuff? Ummm, maybe because all the 60's hippies had finally scraped together enough cash to buy some dinnerware and were paying tribute to their favorite Magic Mushrooms.

I agree with the Jenny about the mushrooms. I think the bee cup might actually be X-rated, or maybe that's just my filthy mind. I would have definitely bought Abe Lincoln and the Grease cannister to the dismay of my husband.

Ohhhh, I get it! "Eat your Honey" as in your Sweetheart. And the boy bee is looking at the girl bee thinking, "Really? You want me to eat her?" Not x-rated but a very horrible pun. I still say she looks drunk though.

"Eat your Honey" as in your Sweetheart. And the boy bee is looking at the girl bee thinking, "Really? You want me to eat her?" Not x-rated but a very horrible pun.

Actually, now that I re-read it, that is X-Rated. Really, really X-rated. I would have seen it right away if I was 13. But I guess at 30-something, the sex-mind-innuendo nexus is drying up. I wonder how Gil and Jim have managed to stay so dirty.

I want so badly the zombie samurai sake cups, and the posionous plants guidebooks. I'd take your advice. Make a show of reading them at work when once again you get coralled into bringing the damn cake for Bob in marketing's birthday party. Lay them beside the bed of your sweetie when they take you to TGI Fridays for your three year anniversary. You get the drift.