Syke, it’s really fucked up. This video footage of three cops tasing the shit out of a nekkid wizard, probably tripping balls, definitely pretty out of it, at Coachella is semi-disturbing. You will laugh really hard, and then you’ll cringe, and then you’ll feel somewhat vindicated knowing it was captured by the miracle of modern mobile technology.

At first I was fucking rollin–this dude’s dick is fucking tiny, right? His penis looks like one of those ponytails that girls with hair that’s too short to put up rock. Nah, you know what? It looks like a zit that really needs to be popped that just also happened to be located between his legs. I hope for his special lady friends’ sakes that he’s a grower, but something tells me he’s not. And he refuses to put clothes on! He’s all, “Fuck you, you trust fund dippin, khaki rockin, Dave Matthews bumpin ass hippies! Even though I’m one of you…these shrooms are the shit, and I’ve transcended to the next level brah, and I’m totally gonna show you squares what this shit is all about!” Viewing his antics, I chuckled softly to myself, secure in the knowledge that I never have and never will have sex with a Trustafarian.

And then suddenly, when I saw the pigs repeatedly tasing the shit out of this innocent dickless basehead, my giggles turned to gasps. Seeing cops go nuts on harmless citizens is nothing new. Matterfact, I think my MDC album has been getting more play in recent months than when I was in my punkest of punk phases. And we all know that angsty white kids are the second favorite target of police, with The Browns in general coming in at first place. But it still bothers me. Not one of those kids standing around with their $20 Pac Sun flip flops and BPA-free water bottles did shit! I mean, they must not get wasted enough at those festivals, because usually there is at least one Captain Save-A-Bro who steps in and gets arrested too during shocking displays of police brutality such as these.

Ayo pigs, why you always gotta keep the party down? It’s all good though, I got a hundred bucks says that dude’s parentals will cough up the dough for an expensive attorney, and the ACLU’s gonna be all up on this and maybe, just maybe, these cops with dicks even smaller than their victim’s will be totally wrecked for the rest of their lives. After all, they say God only looks after children and fools…so this guy’s gotta be good, right?