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Saturday, July 30, 2011

Well today was something new, and I like new things. Today, I participated in the Four Summits Challenge. This was a supported group ride through the beautiful mountains outside Cascade, Idaho. Gorgeous roads: smooth as ice, freshly repaved after being damaged in forest fire, filled with sexy switchbacks. Gorgeous scenery: meadows that sprawl into forests. forests pierced with jagged slabs of granite. lakes mirror the ashen sky. grove upon grove of blackened poles that used to be trees stand over a carpet of luscious green regrowth. crumbling spires like the gates of Mordor, and a thin ribbon of black tarmac laced between them.

At the end, waiting for us upon our return: BBQ ribs. And bacon rice.
HUZZUH!

Well well well, it looks like that little party down in Colorado we're doing is blowing up bigger than Congress' phone lines. The Schleck brothers were just the tip of the iceberg! None other than the head honcho himself, reigning tour champ Cadel Evans is going to grace the Colorado Rockies with his presence. Not only that, there are rumors, (and so far only rumors) that KING CONTADOR will be there. I mean -- come on! How much more hype can you get. All we need now is for Lance to re-come out of retirement (again), and announce that he's buried the hatched with Greg Lemond, and that the two of them will be contesting the race on a composite team alongside Eddie Merck and Alexi Grewal. It's just a bike race. And they're just bike racers. Fast bike racers.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

1. I guess I'd better start brushing up my Luxembourg-ian (what the hell language do they speak over there anyway?) For instance, I need to learn how to say things like "you call that an attack Andy?" or "you'd better get more time on me than that if you want to keep your jersey past the time trial."

THE CRIT (as told from the perspective of someone with severe ADD): So cycling is funny in that you can have a good race personally and still have a totally shit race as a team. As most people know, I'm not exactly the best crit racer on the planet. Take last year for instance -- I got to race this same crit course on two occasions, and did so poorly that I managed to build up my own anti-fan base. Remember my "go number 38!" heckler? Yeah, so do I -- I saw those guys this year by the way, and I was happy to go up to them and say "I did a lot better this time guys, wouldn't you say?" -- I saw the front of the race for crying out loud, and late in the race no less, but I got up there a little too late because by then Fly V had already folded and the breakaway was well on its way to lapping the field and Real Cyclist was chasing but there were only like two of them working and I tried to help but didn't really pace it right and blew up after helping out for only a few laps -- but I was up there goddamit, and I raced with much bigger balls than I normally do -- but the point is it didn't matter! Carlos won the sprint, but because we let that group up the road, he finished sixth. He's the best goddam sprinter in the field, and he won the sprint, but still lost his jersey and placed outside the top five, which is bullshit and also our fault. DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!

THE CIRCUIT RACE (as told from the perspective of a pirate):CURSES! If there's one thing a good captain knows, its how to talk to his crew after a sound drubbing -- and after last night's criterium, talk to us our captain did. We skulked back to our cabins, broken and battered, with the bitter taste of Posideon's trident still on our lips, an' took the tongue lashing we knew we'd earned.

"You miserable sea dogs -- I ought to drown you myself!" he bellowed, "you call that a fight? Were but I suited up for battle, I'd show ya how it's done myself, but since you're the ones with the blades sharpened for battle, YOU'RE THE ONES WHO MUST RIGHT YOUR WRONG! TOMORROW BOYS, LET'S LET LOOSE WITH OUR CANNONS, AND LET FLY WITH OUR MUSKETS, AND LET SLICE WITH OUR SABERS, UNTIL THE WHOLE OCEAN HEARS THE CATERWAUL! THOUGH WE MIGHT HAVE TO FIGHT TO THE LAST MAN, LET ALL WHO SAW BATTLE THAT DAY REMEMBER: TEAM EXERGY PICKED THIS FIGHT."

And pick that fight we did. Our guns did blaze, and our steel did shine. Each man too his turn carrying the sword until he could no longer, and after it was dropped, the man behind him picked up and marched on. After the smoke was cleared and the blood caked dry, Carlos lay one tantalizing point outside his goal: the Green Tunic. The bodies of his shipmates were scattered across the course like leaves in Fall. Our assault fell short, but we did our captain proud -- some say the whole ocean heard the caterwaul.

THE AFTER PARTY (as told from the perspective of a youngster on the Trek Livestrong or the Garmin development team):Our two teams have a bunch of guys who don't have fake ID's yet, so we decided to party at Ian's house. Our after party was TOTALLY AWESOME: we built a fire in the back yard, and sat around in the dark telling ghost stories. We had tons of Smirnoff Ice, which was TOTALLY AWESOME! Then Team Exergy showed up (apparently the bars in Bend don't throw as TOTALLY AWESOME parties as we do...plus they close at 11PM). They brought this gross beer with them (Sierra Nevada something or other) which was lame, but they also brought GIRLS which was -- you guessed it: TOTALLY AWESOME! Girls AND Smirnoff Ice? I was in awesome heaven. They decided to leave after a few minutes -- apparently off to another bar that was rumored to be open later, but when they took off, they left the beer AND the girls! HOW TOTALLY AWESOME!

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Oh gosh. Two TT's and two road races. Since I wrote last, I had a pretty descent TT result -- 21st on the Skyliner course -- followed by a minor implosion yesterday. I was pretty happy with my TT; that's my best result in a full length NRC TT to date. I've been working hard on my time trialing (spending time on the TT bike, and doing plenty of threshold efforts), and watching my diet in an attempt to trim off a few pounds, so I'm slightly leaner than normal. Yesterday was just a brute of a stage. It was hard all day long, and I swung the axe a tad too hard on the first climb, leaving me feeling flat on the run-in to the finish. I suppose we did a descent job of defending Carlos' sprint leader's jersey, but otherwise....ouch. BIG OUCH.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Gosh. As tired as I am now, you should have seen me about six hours ago. I finished the race at some snow-park outside Sisters, Oregon and was immediately nauseous. I drank a recovery drink, but it stayed in my stomach the whole ride home, what felt like inches from coming back up my throat. I stayed nauseous for at least the next hour. I got home, and collapsed in my bed. I was shutting down. No shower, no food -- only sleep would cure me. I slept, albeit lightly, until Kai woke me up with the news that we were leaving in fifteen to go get our massages. He'd prepared a sandwich and a large glass of chocolate milk for me -- if that doesn't mark a good team captain, I don't know what does. I hurried through my shower, wolfed down my sandwich, and put on fresh clothes. For the first time since we started climbing McKenzie Pass half a day ago, I started to feel like a normal person again. We drove to the other host house, and lounged around watching the Tour until it was our turn on the table.

Well the 2011 edition of the Cascade Classic should be every bit as action packed as years past. For starters, I'm staying at a beautiful home stay way out on the Aubrey Butte Circuit. This house is awesome for four reasons, and their names are:

Patches

Reggie

Congita

and Tucker

These four fabulous pooches are all certified therapy dogs. They're sweet, obedient, and playful. Reggie has taken to sleeping on my bed. Congita loves to lick my arms while we watch the Tour. Patches enjoys eating pine cones. Tucker really likes Eric Slack:

Tucker is less of a dog and more of a mythical beast. He's a bull mastiff who, were he a member on our team, would slot in as our fifth heaviest racer (read: he outweighs Eric Slack, Matt Cooke, and Chris Hong (by a solid 30-40 lbs.)). Tucker has splendid jowls, as seen in this video:

Sunday, July 17, 2011

I am a DEFENDER OF ANIMALS WILD!
Whenever a helpless snake or a helpless badger wanders into danger's path, I will be there to save it! Look! A BADGER! ON THE LOOSE! IN DOWNTOWN BOISE!

I encountered him prancing around in a panic, looking for something to hide beneath. He chose a car, one that happened to be idling at a red light. I bolted into the street (wearing full Team Exergy kit), raised my hand with authority, and yelled: "STOP -- YOU HAVE A BADGER UNDERNEATH YOUR CAR AND IF YOU ROLL FORWARD YOU COULD SQUISH HIM!"

And thus the people stopped. And thus the adorable badger was saved from certain death.

The badger then ran off towards the farmers market. Maybe that's where he lived. I don't know.

THEN I SAW A SNAKE! ON THE LOOSE! IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET!
So, with my animal-saving instincts on high alert from my earlier encounter with the badger, I did what I do best: SAVED THAT ANIMAL FROM CERTAIN DEATH!
Look here:

So Krogg no race Boise Twilight Crit. This because Krogg team so packed with crit sharks, there actually eight other racers better suited to the job. Krogg not disappointed by this -- Krogg want best team to do job, and if team have eight other racers better for job, then GREAT FOR TEAM! However, this mean two thing:

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Remember my truck? Yeah, it's been kinda "out of commission" these last few years for a variety of factors. One of the many hurdles I had to overcome to get my beautiful battle-wagon back where she belongs (i.e. on the road), was passing Idaho state's emissions standards. She failed her first test miserably. This was understandable: the gas in her tank had been there for months, she hadn't had a new air filter in ages and ages, and....well....she's old. But I swapped out her gas, added one of those "engine cleaners" to the mix, and replaced that air filter. When we re-tested....it was a photo finish but SHE PASSED! Idaho state idle Co2 standard: 1.20 ppm. MY TRUCK: 1.19 ppm. GO TRUCK! PASSING FEELS GREAT

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE FEELS GOOD? Winning a huge crit!

That's exactly what my teammate Carlos Eduardo Alzate Escobar did last night. Carlos is badder than bad. He just might be the baddest motherfuckin' crit racer in the whole world! IN THE WORLD! Check it:

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Most people like to keep a "savings" of some sort. Usually this means gathering a stockpile of actual money, often kept in a bank, that can be used to buy goods or services should the need arise. Pirates, and the paranoid like to hoard gold in a chest. The extremely paranoid (read: Glen Beck viewers) invest in "survival seeds," which, after the apocalypse, are far more valuable than gold because they can be grown into plants and eaten. However, if you're like me, you don't really keep cash, or gold, or even seeds on hand -- no, your savings come in the form of bicycle parts. When times are lean (or when I really want to buy something), I have to look no further than the boxes of bike old parts kept in the back of my truck. I have been building this nest egg for years -- dig deep enough, and you'll find bike parts that hearken back to my Whitman College days. In those boxes lies unimaginable wealth: worn chainrings, used tires, ripped jerseys, blown bibs, odd-sized stems, and bent handlebars galore! I have no doubt, that if liquidated, my treasure trove could literally fetch dozens, if not hundreds of dollars! Well this week, I had some extra time on my hands, and I decided to post a few old items on Craigslist. Which naturally meant going on Craigslist.

Aaaaah Craigslist. You're like the wild, untamed frontier of internet commerce. No rules, no taxes, and no punctuation in sight!\ After spending a mere fifteen minutes scanning the bikes listings (let's just call it market research), I could take no more. My eyes cannot un-see what they've seen. Here's a slice:

hi i have lots of parts so here is one add out of many haha. k well i have a 24'' fly bike racing frame for 300 will do trades for ipod touch only wakeboards snowboard gear and cash lowest i can do is 200!!!WILL HAVE PICS SOON

I am the 2nd owner, purchased this row bike last year in almost new condition (est. 1 hour of riding). I rode the row bike about 40 hours and enjoyed every minute on it. I have moved onto Mountain biking, and need the space.

This thing is fast and fun, workout your arms and legs and trade off as you wish.

Here are some of the reasons I bought this over other bikes. It has a fairly quick learning curve (took me 2 minutes to learn, and 10 minutes to get confident), gentle on the body, cross training - works back, abs, legs, 2x the workout in 1/2 the time, turns heads and starts lots of conversations.

Just think, for a mere $3000 you could be cruising along on an ADVENTURE RECUMBENT TRICYCLE!

2010 ICE Adventure Recumbent TrikeHas been hanging around (literally) indoors since then. This was an impulse buy, and it is a crime that this spectacular bike is not being used. The trike was optioned up greatly. Rear fender, cargo rack, etc., etc.THIS TRIKE MUST BE SEEN AND TEST RIDDEN!!Please check out the web sites above for all the details, and then come and ride it.

After getting my fill of what's out there on the "for sale: bikes" portion of Craigslist, I couldn't help but wander over to another one of my favorites: "rants and raves." Oh man did I lift the lid to Pandora's box with that one. Here's a sample:

i am curious as to why everyone who hopps on a ten-speed thinks it is necessary get all decked out like they're in the fucking Tour de France WTF!! its bad enough we have to worry about these people taking up all the road and acting like they own it, why do we have to look at those nasty lumpy asses squeezed into a pair of goddamn spandex? if your going for a bike ride why dont you just dress normally and save the eyesores for when you are actually participating in a race. Trust me.... NOBODY LIKES TO LOOK AT THAT SHIT!!

Friday, July 8, 2011

We're going to participate in America's newest top level stage race! I've known for a few days now, but was sworn to secrecy -- well now the seal has been broken, and I'm free to climb to the highest hilltops of my blog and shout as loud as I can: WE'RE IN! Here's why I'm thrilled:

This race is point to point. That means we tour all over the state of Colorado -- a different start town, and finish town every day (except for the time trials)! We start in Colorado Springs, then basically go on a whirlwind tour of famous ski resort towns: Salida, Vale, Aspen, Crested Butte, Gunnison, and Breckenridge. The race finishes, fittingly, in downtown Denver.

This is just the beginning. I love that we're getting to do a big new race in its first year. Hopefully this will be the start of a new pillar of American racing. Get excited everybody -- the more we pay attention to this year's race, the better the chances the race will continue into the future. It shouldn't be hard to follow along -- the race will be broadcast on Versus and NBC.

Stage 2. Gunnison to Aspen. At 130 miles long, and cresting two separate 12,000 foot peaks (you read that right), this stage should be ahem.....as they say in French, le hard. Also, I've never been to Aspen, but I've always wanted to go. Somehow I always imagined I'd get there like this:

Thursday, July 7, 2011

When I was a kid, I played this awful video game called Delta Force. In it, I ran around the desert sniping and blasting and fragging and lasing to my heart's content. Well our very own Delta Force is about to launch a mission deep behind enemy lines...into CANADA! That's right, the team is off to race in the Tour of Delta. Personally, I'm staying in Idaho and training my butt off in preparation for Cascade, but the full power of Team Exergy is about to hit the tiny Canadian hamlet of....um...Tsawwassen (are you kidding me?). Our three Colombians (Andres Diaz, Carlos Alzate, and Freddy Rodriguez), will join forces with our three Canadians (Ben Chaddock, and the Mullervy twins). Americans will be the minority on this roster, with only Quin Keogh and Remi McManus representing the good ol' US of A. GOOD LUCK DELTA FORCE!!!

For most missions, Carlos Alzate prefers the M-16 with grenade launcher.

Monday, July 4, 2011

So today I turn the tooth-rottingly sweet age of twenty-eight years. Yes that's right, today is my birthday. And what am I going to do on my birthday? WATCH A PARADE THEN RACE MY BIKE! How sweet is that? A PARADE! FOLLOWED BY A BICYCLE RACE! I'm thinking something like this:

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Ok Spiderman fans, get ready to have your hearts broken: it's true -- Peter Parker has been full of shit this whole time! Apparently, he conjured up the whole "I'm Spiderman" nonsense to hit on a girl at a bar. Even worse, it didn't work! That girl was way out of his league, and his story totally backfired, but somehow the right people overheard, and posted it on their blogs, and -- well you know how the internet works; the rumor went viral. The point is, PETER PARKER ISN'T SPIDERMAN! Here's Peter Parker:
Here's Spiderman:

See the resemblance? Neither do I! It turns out that Peter Parker, the mild mannered loser who works for the newspaper, is nothing more than that: a mild mannered loser who works for the newspaper (albeit a loser with a fertile imagination).

Want to know a another little secret about Spiderman? Ready to get your mind blown wide open like a jar of mayonnaise on the fourth of July? Brace yourself.......I AM NOW SPIDERMAN!!!!!!!

Boom! There! I said it! Well to be more clear, I'm not exactly the Spiderman, as much as I am now a spiderman. Want to know how? Well the answer is simple:

Yes, Spiderman's powers now come in blue tape form. All you have to do is slap some Spidertech athletic tape on your joints and you'll be climbing walls, and slinging webs, and kicking the snot out of Green Goblins in no time. I mean just look at my leg:

Pretty awesome, huh? Yeah, and you haven't even seen me fight evil, or hang upside-down. Now compare my leg to Spiderman's leg:
See the similarities? Pretty much identical, huh?

Yeah. So the best part is that Spidertech just signed on to sponsor Team Exergy! From now on, everyone on the team will be lining up to race with spider powers! Remember how badass Andres Diaz is at going uphill? Well wait 'til you see him climb up mountains now that he's been SPIDERTECHED! Ever seen Carlos unleash a sprint in a crit? Well wait til you see him sprint with the power of SPIDERS wrapped around his legs. Yippie-kay-yay bitches, we're Spidermen now! Learn more about Spidertech, and its superhero-power-granting athletic tape HERE.

Friday, July 1, 2011

You know, some of those Haiku were so darn good I can't let them go unappreciated. So, while the grand prize of the tee-shirt goes to Nathan (the gods of randomness have spoken!), the runner-up prize shall go to the author of the best Haiku. I bet you didn't know there WAS a runner-up prize. Well honestly, neither did I, but that's the beauty of running your own blog -- I can do whatever I want on here! If I want to throw up a picture of a tortoise wearing a patriotic hat, I CAN:
If I want to put up a video of a fireworks blowing up at 2,000 frames per second, I CAN (make sure you see the M-80 in the tub of mayonnaise):

(In case you can't tell, I'm pretty psyched about the 4th of July)

So, without further ado, I've narrowed it down to my favorites. Please vote for YOUR favorite on the sidebar:

Ari wrote one that rhymes!:Thunder thighs, go
Sweat-brimmed eyes, flow
What a rise, man