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Friday, September 2, 2011

FORKS

So I'm having a super ridiculous hyper day, which is strange because I woke up today in like a really terrible mood, but now I'm just super jumpy and talkative and hyper and not able to sleep which is bad because it's like 1 in the morning. Whatever. So recently, I've gone on a strike against emptying the dishwasher at my house, which seems totally irrational, but you don't understand the fork problem.

See about two months ago we were having this crisis at our house where there was a shortage of forks. Now I know you're imagining us missing like two or three forks. NO we just woke up one morning and we were missing like ten fucking forks. TEN. And this was a problem, because even though we're a family of just four, considering that we all eat meals aside from breakfast at different times AND lots of snacks in between, we use forks constantly. That being said, after accusing everyone in the family and a few friends and neighbors (I'm so serious) we just settled on the concept that there was someone, somewhere that decided to become a Fork Nazi. And that person zeroed in on our little family and was like, "You know what? They use WAY too many forks. I think they need to learn a lesson." AND THEN HE STOLE ALL OUR FUCKING FORKS.

So then there was a problem. Because say that you REALLY wanted some spaghetti. So you're starving, because since you REALLY wanted the spaghetti, you waited the fifteen minutes that it took to actually make it and heat up sauce and get everything ready. So you put your food on a plate/bowl and go to get utensils, only to be confronted by the fact that there are absolutely NO forks in the utensil drawer and all of the forks are consumed by the experimental mystery that your mom tried to make last night that gave everyone terrible stomach pains and dry heaves. If the memory of the horrible dinner from the previous night didn't scare away your appetite, the thought of reaching through the five foot pool of mystery juice and other dirty dishes definitely did.

Don't get me wrong, this doesn't change the fact that you haven't eaten for the past ten hours and just woke up with a terrible need for pasta covered in tomato sauce and cooked until all nutritional value has been erased. You WILL be starving. And you will most likely want the noodles all that much more badly. Now had this been an average case of noodles, like macaroni and cheese, you could've easily picked up a spoon out of the bountiful pile residing in that utensil drawer. BUT NO, there is no replacement for a fork when it comes to spaghetti. And knowing your luck like I know mine, you're out of plastic forks too. So you end up looking like a cannibal and eating the spaghetti with your hands.

But everything changed when one day you came home to an even worse disaster. Your mother had finally given up on finding the forks that you owned before the coming of the Fork Nazi, so she stopped at the local kitchen store and picked up forks. HALLELUJAH! Only there's just one problem. Not only is your fork holder full, it's OVERFLOWING. Forks are falling into the knife and spoon holders. Forks are flying out when you open the drawer. FORKS ARE EVERYWHERE. This was a blessing for the first day. For once in what seemed like forever, our supply of forks seemed endless. There was never an empty fork holder. But then the next evening came with the dreaded, painfully mechanic job of emptying the dishwasher.

As you set to do this mundane task, you reach an impasse. The fork holder has become full, but you still have ten more forks to fit in. No matter how much you try, there is no physically possible way to fit all the forks into the utensil drawer without chaos. This makes you angry. So after twenty minutes of trying to carefully fit the forks into the proper spot, you give up and end up throwing and I mean THROWING the remaining forks into the drawer and slamming it shut.

Not only does this happen EVERY time that you empty the dishwasher, but it gets worse. Because sometimes you reach down into the utensil bin of the dishwasher to grab some spoons and instead get stabbed by a million sharp prongs from the ridiculous amount of forks that you now own. Because somebody forgot to put the pointy side DOWN. Tonight was the last straw. This is the last time that I am going to empty the dishwasher until we get rid of some forks. I don't care if I have to become that creepy kid in the hallways of my high school with the trench coat that has random, unnecessary objects that nobody really wants to buy.

Now the next topic is something that is very important to me. I even looked up real pictures instead of illustrating, because this point needs to be made very clear. It's called Walker's Distance. Now some of you who walk places often (to and from school, around the blocks, to the park, etc.) most definitely know what this is and how very often it gets violated to the point of no return. For those of you that are lucky enough to have a car or are just super busy, Walker's Distance is the one thing that will get you on somebody's Shit List. Especially if you encroach on this bubble frequently.

Walker's Distance is the space that should be left between people walking. This means the distance between you and the person in front of you. Now I don't know about you, but I like space. I am NOT a touchy feel-y kind of person, I have a very big personal bubble and I will never forgive you if you intentionally invade it. However, some people just do not understand or even believe in Walker's Distance. Well believe it, because it's real and you're most likely pissing off everyone around you. Seriously, take five steps back and watch as smiles quickly form on people's faces. Trust me.

Walker's Distance is a science. It is not strictly science, but there is a set space that should ALWAYS be between you and the person in front of you. There should be AT LEAST one block between you and the person in front of you. If you can smell the person in front of you's perfume, you're WAY too close. And this has happened to me God knows too many times. Because, let's face it, when you're walking to school or work or a friend's house, you most likely have music playing and headphones on. Unless you think that your music is universally loved and should be heard by all. Then you're that guy/girl. If you have no idea who that guy or that girl is, chances are, it's most likely you.

Because of my great love of music and an intense need to just block out everything and stay inside my own head, I have ear buds. I know, they're bad for you. Cry me a river when I'm deaf and I won't have to listen to it. My ear buds are noise blocking, meaning that even without music playing, they work like regular ear plugs. So add music to that and I can guarantee I will not hear you walking behind me. That being said, this means that, because I have serious issues with trusting that someone's not going to kidnap/injure/etc, me, I turn around frequently. Usually it's to check to make sure cars aren't coming when I cross the street, but I do turn around quite often. This is how I came to know Walker's Distance.

Now think, when you walked home (you've had to have at least once) and you turned around to make sure no cars were coming, you definitely noticed if someone was walking behind you and what their proximity was. Most people, myself included, stick to the "one block" rule and appreciate when others follow suit. But every so often and I mean OFTEN, you get this person that thinks that they want to sneak past you or they're just seriously trolling. And if you don't understand the severity through which people can scare the living daylights out of you, I even found a real picture to demonstrate. So imagine that you're jamming out to your favorite song, be it what it may, and you're almost home, so you turn around to check for cars and

BOOM! What if that girl were to turn around?!?! That's exactly how it plays out when Walker's Distance is totally unbelieved in. So while you're trying to calm your heart palpitations, the other person just strolls around you, seeing no harm in their douche-y ways.

Worried that you may be walking too close? Think about the distance you like to see when you know someone is walking behind you. Are you that far away from the other person? If not, slow down if you can, but if you can't, either cross the street and walk on the other side or just stay where you are. As long as you're not breathing down the neck of the other person, you're okay. You could be better, but you work with what you've got.

Now, sometimes Walker's Distance is trampled on for what seems like "good" reasons. For instance, that group or pair of girls (sorry ladies, but it's usually you...us...whatever) that are just moseying along like no one else needs that stretch of sidewalk. They are usually texting, on the phone, both or talking obnoxiously loud with their fellow man...woman...thing. Yeah. So you get an idea in your head like "Hey, you know what would teach them a lesson? If I just walked right past them." YES, this IS a good idea, but not the way that you want to do it. Because the way you probably want to do it is by increasing your speed and closing in on the distance to get by.

This sounds like an excellent plan. But this is what always happens. You're almost past them, practically walking on top of them, when one of them turns around and says some swear by the ways of, "oh shit! fuck!" or my personal favorite, "Jesus!" What does J.C. stand for? JESUS CHRIST lol jk it's Julius Caesar.

Anyways, if you're smart, you immediately find an excuse to cross the street like you live there, which you probably don't, but this is what happens when your ideas backfire. Now I understand, really I do, there are some people so slow that I'd like to get a speedometer just to prove to them how horribly slow they're going. But let's face it, there's really nothing you can do, but suck it up. Now you can do several things to keep a Walker's Distance from these descendants of dying tortoises. One, the first thing you realize is that your normal walking pace seems to be marathon running pace compared to what has to be the dying limbs of the teenagers in front of you. If there's no one behind you, as much as it may kill you (I really hate it), but slow down. Because sometimes you get lucky and they turn down the next street and you can run home if you want after that.

Option number 2 is, honestly, just cross the street, get a good block between you and the slow pokes that Snorlax could beat and just cross back to your original side. Sure, it's more work for you, but in the end, you get home SOOOOO much faster it's totally worth it.

Okay, so I feel much better. Alrighty, well I hope this helped you guys and if not it helped me so SUCKS FOR YOU. Just kidding, I really hope this was informative. STOP ENCROACHING ON MY SPACE*.

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About Me

I am Jess. I am 19. I am awkward. That is pretty much all you need to know. I am also funny. That is also important. I also normally use contractions most of the time, usually when they combine to make words that are not words.