The Secret Life of Marrieds: A Couple With a Sexy Second Marriage

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Steven is 62, Katherine is 53. They've been together for 16 years, and married for 15.

Katherine: We met in July of 1998 at a summer festival.Steven: We'd seen each other at this festival for probably three years before we met.Katherine: We were both single parents with little kids, and the third summer a friend of mine said, "Do you think that guy with the cap is gonna be there again this year checking you out?" So the next night was the last night of the festival, and I turned around and Steven was standing not even a foot and a half away from me, so I looked him dead in the eye and I, normally being a much shyer person, I said, "Katherine." And Steven said …Steven: I stuttered, "Uh uh uh … Steven!"Katherine: I said, "I just thought we should get this part out of the way and move on," and then I walked away because that was all the courage I had at that moment. But then I was at the bank and I ran into him at the drive-through.Steven: We were in separate lanes but I could see her in the car next to me. When we were done I pulled my car over, and she rolls the window down and I say, "Katherine!"Katherine: And I say, "Very good, Steven." So he asked me out. Well, I got two daughters in the car! No!Steven: No, I asked where you were going and you said to lunch.Katherine: Well I grew up in the hippie era. You didn't go to lunch with someone you hadn't slept with, and I'm thinking, "I have to show them a little restraint. I have to learn restraint so I can show them restraint." But Steven started sneaking over. For a while there we hadn't introduced each other to our kids because the kids were all young and we didn't want to put them through our dating scenarios. He'd sneak into the house after they were asleep, but that winter there was a snowstorm and he was completely snowed in and couldn't get his car out, so then the jig was up.

So when did you talk about marriage?Katherine: Our big conversations were that I had no need to get married; I didn't want to get married. We both had our kids, you know — marriage really didn't work for either of us the first time. He really wanted to get married. So we read a lot of books on blended families and had a lot of late-night conversations.

How did it turn into something you were actually going to do? Do you remember what the tipping point was?Katherine: He was just really, really persistent and very romantic. He didn't actually propose in an official way, but we were at a Cowboy Junkies concert and the song "Anniversary Song" is about marriage and there's a line that recurs, "and to wear your ring." He took his ring off his finger and put it on my finger. And then when the refrain came around again, I had a ring on that I put on his finger. So then it was sort of an unspoken thing, like, "OK, we're gonna do this."

What kind of wedding did you have?Steven: A small wedding, and it was in our store. The mayor married us on millennium night when the computers were gonna crash.Katherine: We did it on millennium's New Year's Eve because we'd be happy if everyone showed up but they'd have a really good excuse not to come and that would be fine too. [Laughs.]

Did either of you have any fears or apprehension about getting married again?Katherine: I've never been convinced. I'm 15 years in and I'm still not convinced, and that's not an issue of love, it's, I don't know … I think that marriage is a lot of work and it's not necessarily a guarantee of anything. I mean, I am doing it and I'm glad I'm doing it, but I almost felt like you'd be more intent upon working hard on it if you weren't married?

How does it feel hearing she's not convinced?Steven: I know she loves me and marriage is … it does have its ups and downs and you do have to work at it. It's like raising kids: You love your kids but there are good times with your kids and hard times with your kids.

Has your sex life changed since getting married?Katherine: We're older, we're tired-er, we're not as obsessive. We're not multiple times a day, but we're almost once a day.Steven: Pretty close to daily. That's the good news.

That's funny you say it hasn't changed that much. I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that you already had your kids so you weren't, like, jumping into dealing with a baby and all that stuff right away.Katherine: Oh, definitely. Definitely, because I would say in my first marriage it took its toll, having a baby and little kids. I mean, I was exhausted.Steven: I went through that in my first marriage with having kids, and I've seen it with my first granddaughter, you know, late nights and sleepless nights and things like that. We never really had that. The kids were old enough that when it was time to go to bed, we put them to bed.Katherine: So the kids weren't really an obstacle to overcome the way they are when you're a new couple who then gets intruded upon by this baby.

What's been your biggest fight since getting married?Katherine: We argue a lot. We disagree on almost everything, but we don't really fight-fight.

What do you argue about?Katherine: Probably the way we choose to spend our time. We work together and we work so much and we both really like our work, but when we're not at work, he tends to either like to continue to work or he just wants to watch TV. I am a voracious reader, so I feel like I don't have enough time to do that. So I want to retreat and read, which he feels …Steven: Then I feel like it's abandonment or like I've done something, but I know she loves to read. If we communicate, it's OK. It's similar if she goes for walks with her friend. If I know ahead of time, then it works out fine.Katherine: He's not really clingy. If I wanna go take a trip, he's not gonna not let me do that or make my life miserable, but he kinda needs to know in advance. Now, we work together all day long and sometimes I've had enough, not so much of him, but just of anyone. I just wanna be alone, I wanna read, I don't wanna talk to anybody and he will sometimes take that personally.Steven: She grew up on a boat in the summer; there was nothing for her to do but read. Her dad's apartment and her mom's house? Huge amounts of books. And my mom was a librarian so she's a heavy reader …Katherine: Oh, so maybe I'm reminding you of your mother? [Laughs.]Steven: Well, Harville Hendrix says that you marry one of your parents. I'm not as sure that I married my mom or my dad trying to resolve issues, but Katherine is positive that I'm her dad.Katherine: Everyone knows I married my dad. If you saw a picture of my dad, the resemblance between my father and Steven is so strong that everyone who knew my father is like, "Whoa, that's Freudian."

Is there anything you didn't discuss before getting married that you wish you had hashed out?Steven: I can't think of anything.Katherine: Seriously?! [Laughs.]Steven: Well, what do you think?Katherine: I think I had a different impression of some aspects of Steven's personality. I think he was far more introspective and communicative in the early stages and so I thought he would be more that way or open to that. I was in therapy and he was in therapy at the time; we were both recovering from bad first marriages. I thought that would be a much bigger piece of how we proceeded and I don't think it has been.

What do you think when you hear that, Steven?Katherine: He hears that a lot.Steven: I hear that a lot! In therapy you put everything out there, you take those risks, you're with your therapist, you're paying them money to work on these issues. In reality, or in a relationship, I think I deal with it the way I dealt with my parents — they would yell at me and I'd basically shut them out and leave the house. So I think I apply that in my relationship with Katherine. If we're in a disagreement I can block it out and deal with it later.Katherine: Or not deal with it …Steven: [Laughs.]Katherine: I like to analyze things and come up with a plan and work toward change, and he just does not engage with that.

Do you remember doing that more in the beginning? And was there a moment that changed?Steven: In the beginning we did. There wasn't a moment it changed, just over time it …Katherine: It's a good question, though. Why do you think in the beginning you were open to it?Steven: When I went through my divorce, I spent maybe eight years in therapy trying not to get divorced the first time, and then when I went through the divorce I stopped seeing that therapist and switched to a different therapist. I went through less than a year and the therapist said, "Basically you have all the tools. You really don't need to continue this process," and I think that's when Katherine and I met. So I was still using that perspective, I was still analyzing things the way Katherine does. But I think with time I ended up doing that less.

I hope I don't offend you by saying this, but you know when people are depressed and go on an antidepressant and feel better and then they're like, "Great! I don't need to take my antidepressants any more!" Like, "Oh, I'm not getting divorced anymore and Katherine is awesome, and our relationship's awesome, so …Katherine: … I don't have to do the work anymore!"

What are you most looking forward to?Steven: I'd say growing old and watching our kids. I mean, we have our first grandbaby and with five kids we're going to have lots of grandbabies. And we hope that they pick the right partners in their relationships and have happy marriages.Katherine: I know what I'm looking forward to: not working as much and traveling a whole lot more. I mean, I love being a grandparent, it's the ultimate, but I look forward to spending more time with friends and traveling. And we've worked really hard together, but it hasn't been balanced. He doesn't ever want to retire, but I don't share that.Steven: I do have a plan to, at some point in the next 10 years or so, sell the business, but I see myself working part-time like these old jewelers that I meet.

Any advice for your kids about getting married?Katherine: Wait! You're in no hurry! Life is really long and I think particularly in today's world there's really no need to get married unless you're gonna have kids, but even then if you're doing it because you got pregnant? That's not a reason. I'm less inclined to encourage anyone to get married who hasn't given it time and thought and space and lived together for awhile.

You're a real progressive mom.Katherine: Yeah. I am.Steven: My kids, before they get married, they need to take a long trip in a small car. You know, you'll get through certain issues: lose your luggage, you lose your wallet. You have to go through these life experience as a couple and see how you deal with it.

The Secret Life of Marrieds is a weekly series of interviews with married couples about the things no one tells you about marriage. Check back every Tuesday at 1 p.m. EST for a new interview. Read the entire Secret Life of Marrieds column here.