We are husband and wife team, James and Mirriam. We are veterans of love, particularly of intercultural relationship. We have lots of experiences, good and bad, and have learned much from them. We are happy, we are contented and we would like to spread that around. We will answer your questions to the 'secrets' or our happiness, we will give advice. Email us at jamesnmirriam@gmail.com.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

This is a reblog from a beautiful person whom I have great admiration and respect. Her take on differences in culture and how it affects relationships and humanity as a whole is very refreshing. She is a product of intercultural relationship; she is a world traveler; she is young, spirited and always dynamic. Her mature insights are often a delightful revelation. Let me introduce Charity, or C Joybell C. To quote from her blog's introduction: C. JoyBell C. is known to
often say, "I grew up on airplanes," referring to her memories that
occurred more often on an airplane, than not! An American born
self-taught writer of Asiatic Anglo-Celtic European descent, she grew up
in-between cultures and crossing borders, her great-grandfather was a
Taoist High Priest while her other great-grandfather was a Southern
Georgia Baptist Herald. Fighting to live her life for herself and not
for others, she is defying her status quo in being a writer and this is
exemplary of who she is. She is the author of "Saint Paul Trois
Châteaux: 1948" and "The Sun Is Snowing: Poetry & Prose."

The Two Very Different Blankets!

I often talk about how big a deal culture is when it comes to human
interactions. People are quick to dismiss this fact, they shrug their
shoulders and say "Oh we're all human and our souls have only one
culture so it doesn't really matter, I don't see culture I only see
hearts." Very nice words to hear, but very unrealistic. When put into a
situation where those very same people need to adjust to people of
different mind sets and means of expression, suddenly those very nice
words don't have much muscle! That's because, the truth is, we are all
affected by our cultures and by the cultures we've been exposed to. We
judge people and write them off as being like this and as being like
that, when in fact all those "like this's" and "like that's" are
cultural differences! Of course, this isn't applicable to every single
difference between people, but the greater percentage? Most certainly
so.

I have had the vantage point in life, since I was a child, to be
immersed first-hand in different cultures. I truly know what the word
"adjust" means and I truly know what things begin to look like when
people resist compromise and the willingness to understand each other.
It can literally break families apart. Right now, I am always the one
who steps up in between people in the family and says "Wait a minute,
don't say that about her, because this is what her culture is like..."
and I explain things. Or I'm the one saying "Wait a minute, it doesn't
necessarily mean that, it most probably means this because this is what
his culture is like..." and I explain the cultural differences. It's
like walking on ice. And I can walk on ice.

To make things easier for people to understand, I like to divide the
cultures of the world into two major groups. Of course I know that each
and every culture has it's own colors and tunes, but there are two big
blankets that cover, that overlay, and it's easier when we look at all
people as laying underneath either one of these blankets. This is how I
like to show it: one blanket is covered in vibrant, raw colors!
Exuberant and flawlessly animated and free! The other blanket is a
blanket made of subdued colors! Understated, mute, reserved. I'd like to
say that I could roll underneath either blanket and feel comfortable,
but to believe that would be naive of me! I can move around well
underneath either blanket, but I prefer to sleep under only one. I think
that no matter how well you are able to move around underneath these
two blankets, you are going to prefer to sleep under just one.

We have very raw and vibrant, expressive and free, uninhibited peoples,
such as the Greeks, the Italians, the South Americans, and etc. And
there are the very reserved peoples: the French, the Northern Europeans,
and various social communities in the United States, the Chinese, and
etc. In the Orient, you'll find the most reserved culture is the Chinese
culture, with the French culture being the most reserved culture on the
European continent (in my opinion and view of things). You may argue
that you'll find very understated people in countries like Norway, but
the thing about Norwegians for example, is that though they are reserved
as a people; once you do make that connection and are able to go beyond
that wall, you've found a truly warm, truly giving, truly understanding
friend for life! And that's different from lets say, the French, who
can be very giving and warm initially, if they so choose to, but then
you eventually do hit that wall you aren't allowed to go beyond. So it
is the positioning of that wall which makes all the difference! As with
the Germans; you hit the wall first, but going beyond that wall you find
a friend for life! The Chinese culture is very interesting, as there is
absolutely no room for mistakes, there is a wall in the beginning, in
the middle, and in the end, and there are so many polite traditions
(like the French politeness and traditions), that it's rather difficult
to determine if the person is being genuinely loving and accepting, or
if that same person is just "performing" what is socially acceptable and
expected of him/her! Now, people will always say that the French are
snobs, but I strongly disagree. The French are not snobs. When I am in
France, I am honestly the biggest snob in France, so it is impossible to
believe that the French are snobs! Au contraire, the French can be very
warm, kind, extremely, extremely polite people! But then!
They have this fear of going deeper! It is a fear that suddenly grips
them and shakes them and they simply can't move! And it is a jealousy,
as well! It's not a snobbery, it is a jealousy. If you make a French
friend, don't be surprised if this French friend denounces you as their
friend if you attempt to make a friendship with any one of their other
friends! And vice versa! To the French, one's friend belongs to one
alone! And to introduce a friend to another friend is like giving away
what is yours, it is a heresy, a blasphemy! And so you can just imagine
for yourself what kind of a society occurs when people don't want to be
friends with other people's friends, when people say "this person is
mine." In other parts of the world, we go to parties to socialize with
other people's friends and make friends out of those people, but not in
France! This is not their reason to go to parties! So, as you can see,
this is a jealousy, they cannot take to see a human warmth emanating
between people that they want to be their own. So, the root of it
all is not a snobbery. I am a snob. The French? The French are not
snobs, the French are a jealous people. Jealous and reserved.

When we look unto cultures like that of Greece, where friends literally
feed each other food with their own fingers: sticking that food into
their friends' mouthes; we are looking at an almost completely different
species! There are none of those walls, none of those inhibitions
(physically and emotionally), you can meet a Greek person today and in
this same day be that person's friend for life, and then go home with
that friend and meet his/her family and friends and all of their family
and friends are now your family and friends! And this is the kind of
flow you will find in the Italian culture, where people really are not
going to spend time making every effort to be polite to all the other
people around them. I personally feel comfortable underneath this
blanket! I could never spend my life wondering what every single person
around me is thinking if I laugh too loud or if I forget to say
"bonjour" or "au revoir" to the sales person who sold me my compact
powder. I couldn't go through life like that, period. It doesn't work
for me. I'm not an extremely polite person. And I like to feed people I
love! I like to put food in their mouthes and I like to make a friend
for life, in a single day! I like to hear people laughing too loud and
shouting at each other and I like to hear people making love in
apartments while I walk through the streets! This is the blanket that I
feel comfortable under. And I want all my friends to be each others'
friends, as well! I can see how this can be deemed as rude,
inappropriate, and etc. but as I have said in the past, "...who cares
about polite?", "...you want people to remember you as the passionate
one, not the polite one." With that being said, I do believe that there
are many polite ways and polite manners that we all would benefit from
having. I am extremely polite when compared to some of the people I
know, but I am not extremely polite when compared to the French or the
Chinese. The French are to Europe what the Chinese are to the Orient.
The Chinese are the French of the Orient.

I don't like to discriminate people and say that all people are the
same, but these two "blankets" can give all of us a very general, broad,
and easy view so that we can realize what kind of culture we fall under
(generally) which is the first step to seeing yourself for who you are,
what you want, and what direction you should take in life when it comes
to meeting people and looking at serious relationships with people. Of
course, it's always possible that a Greek person and a French person get
married and be in love despite all of those differences, that a Chinese
person and an Italian person understand each other and become friends
for life! This is always possible. And, I need to point out that here in
this article I've written, I'm discussing culture, not race. You can be
full-blooded Chinese but having been born and raised in Brazil, you are
a completely vibrant Brazilian in heart and in mind! Because it's not
the race that influences people, really. It is the culture. And I hope
this little article of mine will be something that you the reader will
take to heart and benefit from in the future.

As a final note to this piece I've written, I want to leave you with the
thought, that you don't always have to stick to the norms of your own
culture. You have the freedom to choose, to say, "I want to be that way"
or "I would rather change my ways and adapt their ways" because this
lifetime isn't forever, and you weren't born into the world in a cage
and under rules stating that you must under any circumstance stick to
one pattern of thought and only one pattern of living and outlook on
life! You don't have to be only one way just because everyone else
around you is only that way. You can be you, and you is whoever you
choose to be!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

I am a young, pretty and a decent girl although I work in a bar in the Philippines. We have a husband and wife customers who frequent the bar and one night the wife complained to the bar owner, telling her that she (the wife) was disappointed in me, and does not like me to share a table with her husband.

You see it happened like this: The husband and wife always come to our bar to listen to the music and they always occupy the same table. Lately, the wife joined the table of her woman friend who also went there with her fiance. Her husband was left alone on their table, although he was sitting side by side with the fiance of the wife's friend and they were also chatting. I decided to sit where his wife always sat before she joined her friend, and according to the wife, "I shared her husband's table". That night I noticed that the wife was looking at me, but I know I was not doing anything bad so I did not budge in my seat, I am innocent! I noticed that the husband looked at me now and then and my co workers in the bar started to tease me. After a while the husband transferred seat and joined his wife on the other table. The next day, she sent a CP text message to the bar owner, told her that she was disappointed with me. What's the big deal with that, I just sat there, never asked for a drink from the husband, never even said hello, etc. I was just talking to my other co-workers in the bar. I think the wife is over the top and arrogant, so when they came back I frowned at her to show her that I was pissed with her.

Pretty Innocent Girl

Dear Pretty,

If I were the wife, I would not have waited for the next day to complain to the bar owner. Right then and there, I would have approached you and would have put you in your place - standing and serving orders to the customers. Don't your manager or bar owner teach you that as a worker in a bar, you are not supposed to sit with the customer unless you are invited? Granting it is true that you did not mean to really join the husband, and you sat there in order to chat with other co-workers, do remember that you are paid to work, not to sit and chat with your co-workers. And you were audacious enough to "frown" at the wife the next night? That's bad attitude and your manager or bar owner should teach you how to please not only the male customers but also the wives or girlfriends. The female companions of your male customers are customers too. It's okay to be playful and flirtatious with male customers, but don't do it if they are with their girlfriend or wife, however 'innocently' done.

Mirriam

Hello Pretty,

Netanyahu asked this on the TV recently, “If it looks like a duck, if it walks like a duck, if it quacks like a duck, then what is it? Yeah, that’s right, it’s a duck, a nuclear duck". In this case a bar duck.

All over the world, any woman, bar worker on not, who joins a man in a table in a bar is in effect 'inviting' - inviting attention, inviting for offer of ladies' drinks, or maybe inviting 'boom boom' as you call it in Asia. And if the man is with his wife, you are inviting for a threesome! Who the hell cares if you only sat there in order to talk with another co-worker? Stop this nonsense about your 'innocence' and grow up already.

Friday, January 20, 2012

My wife, a Filipina and I (I am Dutch) live in a spacious condo unit in Makati. Our place is good enough for my three-year-old son, my wife and I. However her relatives visit us at twice a year. We have an extra bedroom for guests but when they come, their minimum number is three. I feel uncomfortable if there are five or more guests, and some have to sleep in our living room, and also stay with us for more than one month. During these relatives' visits I feel like I am invisible. My wife caters to all of their needs, wants and whims, and tells me these are all expected of her. I could understand that they miss each other and they have to catch up with each others' life stories, hence the constant chattering in their dialect, consuming lots of food, drinks, etc. I hate that they also take over my house - they tell my wife how everything should be done like rearranging our furniture; how to 'discipline' our son, how to cook our food; etc. What annoys me is suddenly my wife treats me like a second-class citizen in my own home. She has to cook Nanay or Tatay's favorite food; go to the beauty salon with her sister; go out shopping with everyone; watch Tagalog movies in movie theaters, etc. I feel left out, and all the while I am spending more money for everyday expenses and their shopping, eating out, etc.

My son unwittingly joins the 'snubbing'. He goes out to 'them' for his needs, for his socialization, etc. There are times that I am not able to control myself and become sarcastic to all of them, although I don't think they understand or maybe they just don't care at all. I long for the day when her relatives leave and we are living 'normal' again. I have another worry: Her older sister who had just separated from her husband would like to live with us. She has two sons. I don't like her relatives living with us, especially that they think they have the right to take over my home. What shall I do?

Invisible Husband

Free image from http://acobox.com/node/9121

Dear Invisible Husband,

Have you talked to your wife about how you feel? You and your wife should have a serious talk on how her relatives are damaging your relationship. You should agree on the duration of her relatives' visit; the number of relatives who could visit, etc. Your wife should be able to understand how you feel, and should be considerate enough to have her relatives adjust to your kind of lifestyle. It is not your place to talk with her relatives about your discomfort or annoyance, and your sarcasm is not the right way of expressing your feelings. Your wife should be 'ambassadress' to keep the peace between you and her relatives by catering to your and your son's needs before her relatives' wants and needs.

As regards her sister, if you are not comfortable with her staying with your family, be frank about it. You may help the sister to find a good accommodation, and help financially until she gets a job out of the goodness of your heart, but you're in no obligation to give her support. You and your wife should make it clear to the sister what kind and to what extent you are helping her.

Mirriam

Dear Invisible Husband,

I agree with Mirriam's advice and if that does not work, tell your wife you are consulting a divorce lawyer.