3 lessons of revolutionary love in a time of rage | Valarie Kaur

(Sikh Prayer) Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh. There is a moment on the birthing table that feels like dying. The body in labor stretches
to form an impossible circle. The contractions
are less than a minute apart. Wave after wave,
there is barely time to breathe. The medical term: “transition,” because “feels like dying”
is not scientific enough. (Laughter) I checked. During my transition, my husband was pressing down on my sacrum to keep my body from breaking. My father was waiting
behind the hospital curtain … more like hiding. But my mother was at my side. The midwife said
she could see the baby’s head, but all I could feel was a ring of fire. I turned to my mother and said, “I can’t,” but she was already pouring
my grandfather’s prayer in my ear. (Sikh Prayer) “Tati Vao Na Lagi,
Par Brahm Sarnai.” “The hot winds cannot touch you.” “You are brave,” she said. “You are brave.” And suddenly I saw my grandmother
standing behind my mother. And her mother behind her. And her mother behind her. A long line of women who had
pushed through the fire before me. I took a breath; I pushed; my son was born. As I held him in my arms,
shaking and sobbing from the rush of oxytocin
that flooded my body, my mother was already
preparing to feed me. Nursing her baby as I nursed mine. My mother had never stopped
laboring for me, from my birth to my son’s birth. She already knew
what I was just beginning to name. That love is more than a rush of feeling that happens to us if we’re lucky. Love is sweet labor. Fierce. Bloody. Imperfect. Life-giving. A choice we make over and over again. I am an American civil rights activist who has labored with communities
of color since September 11, fighting unjust policies by the state
and acts of hate in the street. And in our most painful moments, in the face of the fires of injustice, I have seen labors of love deliver us. My life on the frontlines of fighting
hate in America has been a study in what I’ve come to call
revolutionary love. Revolutionary love
is the choice to enter into labor for others who do not look like us, for our opponents who hurt us and for ourselves. In this era of enormous rage, when the fires are burning all around us, I believe that revolutionary love
is the call of our times. Now, if you cringe when people say,
“Love is the answer …” I do, too. (Laughter) I am a lawyer. (Laughter) So let me show you how I came to see love
as a force for social justice through three lessons. My first encounter with hate
was in the schoolyard. I was a little girl
growing up in California, where my family has lived
and farmed for a century. When I was told that I would go to hell
because I was not Christian, called a “black dog”
because I was not white, I ran to my grandfather’s arms. Papa Ji dried my tears — gave me the words of Guru Nanak, the founder of the Sikh faith. “I see no stranger,” said Nanak. “I see no enemy.” My grandfather taught me that I could choose
to see all the faces I meet and wonder about them. And if I wonder about them, then I will listen to their stories
even when it’s hard. I will refuse to hate them
even when they hate me. I will even vow to protect them
when they are in harm’s way. That’s what it means to be a Sikh: S-i-k-h. To walk the path of a warrior saint. He told me the story
of the first Sikh woman warrior, Mai Bhago. The story goes there were 40 soldiers
who abandoned their post during a great battle against an empire. They returned to a village, and this village woman
turned to them and said, “You will not abandon the fight. You will return to the fire, and I will lead you.” She mounted a horse. She donned a turban. And with sword in her hand
and fire in her eyes, she led them where no one else would. She became the one she was waiting for. “Don’t abandon your posts, my dear.” My grandfather saw me as a warrior. I was a little girl in two long braids, but I promised. Fast-forward, I’m 20 years old, watching the Twin Towers fall, the horror stuck in my throat, and then a face flashes on the screen: a brown man with a turban and beard, and I realize that our nation’s new enemy
looks like my grandfather. And these turbans meant to represent
our commitment to serve cast us as terrorists. And Sikhs became targets of hate, alongside our Muslim brothers and sisters. The first person killed in a hate crime
after September 11 was a Sikh man, standing in front
of his gas station in Arizona. Balbir Singh Sodhi
was a family friend I called “uncle,” murdered by a man
who called himself “patriot.” He is the first of many
to have been killed, but his story — our stories barely made the evening news. I didn’t know what to do, but I had a camera, I faced the fire. I went to his widow, Joginder Kaur. I wept with her, and I asked her, “What would you like to tell
the people of America?” I was expecting blame. But she looked at me and said, “Tell them, ‘Thank you.’ 3,000 Americans came
to my husband’s memorial. They did not know me, but they wept with me. Tell them, ‘Thank you.'” Thousands of people showed up, because unlike national news, the local media told Balbir Uncle’s story. Stories can create the wonder that turns strangers
into sisters and brothers. This was my first lesson
in revolutionary love — that stories can help us see no stranger. And so … my camera became my sword. My law degree became my shield. My film partner became my husband. (Laughter) I didn’t expect that. And we became part
of a generation of advocates working with communities
facing their own fires. I worked inside of supermax prisons, on the shores of Guantanamo, at the sites of mass shootings when the blood
was still fresh on the ground. And every time, for 15 years, with every film, with every lawsuit, with every campaign, I thought we were making the nation safer for the next generation. And then my son was born. In a time … when hate crimes against our communities are at the highest
they have been since 9/11. When right-wing nationalist movements
are on the rise around the globe and have captured
the presidency of the United States. When white supremacists
march in our streets, torches high, hoods off. And I have to reckon with the fact that my son is growing up
in a country more dangerous for him than the one I was given. And there will be moments when I cannot protect him when he is seen as a terrorist … just as black people in America are still seen as criminal. Brown people, illegal. Queer and trans people, immoral. Indigenous people, savage. Women and girls as property. And when they fail to see our bodies
as some mother’s child, it becomes easier to ban us, detain us, deport us, imprison us, sacrifice us for the illusion of security. (Applause) I wanted to abandon my post. But I made a promise, so I returned to the gas station where Balbir Singh Sodhi was killed
15 years to the day. I set down a candle
in the spot where he bled to death. His brother, Rana, turned to me and said, “Nothing has changed.” And I asked, “Who have we not yet tried to love?” We decided to call the murderer in prison. The phone rings. My heart is beating in my ears. I hear the voice of Frank Roque, a man who once said … “I’m going to go out
and shoot some towel heads. We should kill their children, too.” And every emotional impulse
in me says, “I can’t.” It becomes an act of will to wonder. “Why?” I ask. “Why did you agree to speak with us?” Frank says, “I’m sorry for what happened, but I’m also sorry
for all the people killed on 9/11.” He fails to take responsibility. I become angry to protect Rana, but Rana is still wondering about Frank — listening — responds. “Frank, this is the first time
I’m hearing you say that you feel sorry.” And Frank — Frank says, “Yes. I am sorry for what I did to your brother. One day when I go to heaven
to be judged by God, I will ask to see your brother. And I will hug him. And I will ask him for forgiveness.” And Rana says … “We already forgave you.” Forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgiveness is freedom from hate. Because when we are free from hate, we see the ones who hurt us
not as monsters, but as people who themselves are wounded, who themselves feel threatened, who don’t know what else
to do with their insecurity but to hurt us, to pull the trigger, or cast the vote, or pass the policy aimed at us. But if some of us
begin to wonder about them, listen even to their stories, we learn that participation
in oppression comes at a cost. It cuts them off
from their own capacity to love. This was my second lesson
in revolutionary love. We love our opponents
when we tend the wound in them. Tending to the wound
is not healing them — only they can do that. Just tending to it allows us to see our opponents: the terrorist, the fanatic, the demagogue. They’ve been radicalized by cultures
and policies that we together can change. I looked back on all of our campaigns, and I realized that any time
we fought bad actors, we didn’t change very much. But when we chose
to wield our swords and shields to battle bad systems, that’s when we saw change. I have worked on campaigns that released hundreds of people
out of solitary confinement, reformed a corrupt police department, changed federal hate crimes policy. The choice to love our opponents
is moral and pragmatic, and it opens up the previously
unimaginable possibility of reconciliation. But remember … it took 15 years to make that phone call. I had to tend to my own rage
and grief first. Loving our opponents
requires us to love ourselves. Gandhi, King, Mandela — they taught a lot about
how to love others and opponents. They didn’t talk a lot
about loving ourselves. This is a feminist intervention. (Applause) Yes. Yes. (Applause) Because for too long have women
and women of color been told to suppress their rage, suppress their grief
in the name of love and forgiveness. But when we suppress our rage, that’s when it hardens
into hate directed outward, but usually directed inward. But mothering has taught me
that all of our emotions are necessary. Joy is the gift of love. Grief is the price of love. Anger is the force that protects it. This was my third lesson
in revolutionary love. We love ourselves when we breathe through the fire of pain and refuse to let it harden into hate. That’s why I believe that love must be practiced
in all three directions to be revolutionary. Loving just ourselves feels good, but it’s narcissism. (Laughter) Loving only our opponents
is self-loathing. Loving only others is ineffective. This is where a lot
of our movements live right now. We need to practice
all three forms of love. And so, how do we practice it? Ready? Number one … in order to love others, see no stranger. We can train our eyes
to look upon strangers on the street, on the subway, on the screen, and say in our minds, “Brother, sister, aunt, uncle.” And when we say this,
what we are saying is, “You are a part of me I do not yet know. I choose to wonder about you. I will listen for your stories and pick up a sword
when you are in harm’s way.” And so, number two: in order to love our opponents, tend the wound. Can you see the wound
in the ones who hurt you? Can you wonder even about them? And if this question
sends panic through your body, then your most revolutionary act is to wonder, listen and respond
to your own needs. Number three: in order to love ourselves, breathe and push. When we are pushing
into the fires in our bodies or the fires in the world, we need to be breathing together in order to be pushing together. How are you breathing each day? Who are you breathing with? Because … when executive orders
and news of violence hits our bodies hard, sometimes less than a minute apart, it feels like dying. In those moments, my son places his hand
on my cheek and says, “Dance time, mommy?” And we dance. In the darkness, we breathe and we dance. Our family becomes
a pocket of revolutionary love. Our joy is an act of moral resistance. How are you protecting your joy each day? Because in joy we see
even darkness with new eyes. And so the mother in me asks, what if this darkness
is not the darkness of the tomb, but the darkness of the womb? What if our future is not dead, but still waiting to be born? What if this is our great transition? Remember the wisdom of the midwife. “Breathe,” she says. And then — “push.” Because if we don’t push, we will die. If we don’t breathe, we will die. Revolutionary love requires us
to breathe and push through the fire with a warrior’s heart and a saint’s eyes so that one day … one day you will see my son as your own and protect him when I am not there. You will tend to the wound
in the ones who want to hurt him. You will teach him how to love himself because you love yourself. You will whisper in his ear, as I whisper in yours, “You are brave.” You are brave. Thank you. (Applause) (Sikh Prayer) Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh. (Applause) (Cheering) (Applause)

100 COMMENTS

Love is sweet and dangerous. I was once in love and it ended like the whole world ended or fell on me. Before you love anyone, love yourself first and be confident and always know you can lose that person at any time. Overall, love but always protect your heart and brain because these are the two things that damage people after a love-fall-out. ❤❤🙏🙏

I'm sorry, but it is unfair that this woman would replace the word killer with patriot. There is nothing wrong with being a patriot and loving ones country, family and values, but there is something wrong with being a killer. When I was young and in school I was told to be tolerant of people, at one point I was so tolerant that I found myself living in a very hostile atmosphere. And then the next thought following tolerance emerged, responsibility. Responsibility to what we live and a responsibility to what we would like to see lived around us. So it is not about forcing people but rather convincing them that you are worthy of respect.

Hi! I know this comment probably wont get enough attention but, here's what i have to say: I'm Katie, I'm 12 and i love watching tedx talks! Its amazing realization of seeing and hearing these ordinary people and their amazing stories, its honestly eye-opening. They really help me see sides and opinions which I appreciate. Its also pretty nice because my friends think I'm gonna be the next big smart person (lol). And YEAH that's my story :3

It all makes sense! In order to breath we need a nice atmosphere, people like Elon Musk (Tesla) also recognized this. We need no revolutionary love, we need universal love. Love life in every aspect and be grateful that you are able to love.

Globalist propaganda and a lousy acting job….Hey, Valerie how do you feel about the war against the white race? Does it bother you that that whites are vilified, marginalized, and hated by the very media that gives you a forum.

A very powerful message as it always has been. After her first epiphany, she couldn't realise what epiphnanies were yet to come. Her fourth lesson will be that a "feminist intervention" call to arms simply means more hate, more intolerance, more polarisation, more self loathing, and more narcissism. She blames 'right wing white nationalism' for a corrupt government without recognising her 'enemy' or that the core of the event was frustration from demonisation is not useful in the least. 2016 meant a choice for America between the faces of two evils. The speaker does not realise she has not started to practice what she preaches because she wishes to tear down hate and injustice which always has a cost despite how much you may attempt to sugar the pill. The best way to deal with an enemy is to live a good life, instill good values in your children and contribute to your shared society, in my humble opinion.

Trump supporters are not violent, your child is growing up in a country that is significantly safer then it was when you were growing up, your tears are irrational. Your fear mongering about people who disagree with your politics is just as prejudice as any racism from the right wing. You have become the monster that you wished to stop. You are literally treating people who vote differently then you the same way as people who murder your family. I use rationality to stop myself from hating entire groups of people who disagree with me politically my "opponents", I don't need love to do that, but if that is the only way to prevent you from hating entire groups of people then for society's sake I hope you find a way to love people.

I do not agree with couple things she said. She said this "country is becoming more dangerous than the country she used to live".The country you used to live is more dangerous than U.S, I believe! But I agree people is becoming more selfish each day!

Well someone has to ask the main question – why are nationalist groups on the rise throughout the world? What are your "muslem brothers and sisters" doing wrong in Europe? What are the black communities doing wrong in the US? And why are we just mixing the notion of love with anti-patriotism and anti-nationalism? We are not children you can use the switch spoon trick to administer your medicine. This is the second fresh TED talk I've watched today and just can't get past the attempts at emotional manipulation. I wonder if it's possible to love without being induced into leftist ideology… Oh wait, apparently it's not, because if you're not into the leftist ideology and not a SJW, then you're one of those nasty nationalists who actually give a damn about what goes on around them to the people close to them. I'm still waiting to see a TED talk about the rapes and murders of white minorities in South Africa, and about the rapes and murders in Europe done by "muslim brothers and sisters". I really feel for her and her story, but if she chose to mix up what she learned from all of it with leftist ideology which no doubt appeals to her as a downtrodden minority, then it' sad, and not just for her, for us all, because this kind of message is everywhere and is routinely associated with sad but singular examples to destroy the very fabric of society, yes the society responsible for all of you having your own culture and upbringing into a set of values. It's wonderful to explore radically different cultures, to study them and marvel at how different and interesting they are, but not try to mix them with your own because you're destroying both, and worse even to try and force them onto others too. That's cultural Marxism. And you have to show understanding, respect and tolerance, nationalism doesn't mean persecution, get that into your heads, but it has to go both ways. I wonder what this woman would do if she was met with her "muslem brothers" in Europe, would it change her mind or would she say "a few bad apples". But If a nationalist says a few bad apples, rocks start to fly. What is the world coming to? This is insane. And LOVE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH POLITICAL IDEOLOGY, so can we just stop trying to package them together?

“Tending to the wound is not healing it; only they can do that.” This is a profound statement which I am going to talk about in a slightly different context. Thank you for this video which has inspired me in several different ways.

You are a hypocrite. You are afraid of your son being called a terrorist based on the acts of a minority, yet you don´t hesitate to call people you don´t like white supremacists and claim the president of the USA to be a right-wing nationalist. The fact, that you feel in a certain way, doesn´t mean that it is the truth. You should definitely get over yourself.

Just the good cry i needed today. I'm pleased to say i'm finally moving past being angry at people who don't share my–liberal–views and now i will learn to love them…and everyone!Thanks for affirming that LOVE really is the only way! Does anyone know of any classes in Loving ourselves and others? really cool would be a school dedicated to teaching students all the philosophies of love. So far, Ghandi, MLK, You, and a handful of others are all i have found.

Scrolling thru comments, i found it strange some saw manipulation here! What behaviour is she trying to manipulate? Manipulate us into loving each other? and even if this were the case, what would be so wrong with that? What, tell me, is suspect about a fellow human being expressing the idea that to love and forgive is good? If we dig deep enough, I think love is virtually always the answer to virtually any problem…ROCK ON Valarie!

For those commenting on love versus political ideology : she raises the conversation beyond ideology. She mentions 3 facets of love in support of civil rights activism. It's not romantic love obviously but love as a force of tolerance and inclusion, love as a spiritual AND rational understanding that those you fear are not very different from you at their core : they have their own fears and wounds which lead them to commit acts of violence and hate. By loving yourself (meaning your own wounds) and others (those you wish to protect from injustice and hate) and your opponents (those who see you as the ennemy because they have similar wounds in them), you can bring lasting changes in a divided society. She talks about love in a very practical way that I found very inspiring. Idelology tends to be disconnected from personal experiences with others because it tends to be theoritical more than practical. Love is a direct experience within ourselves and in the presence of others, especially those who are different and that we tend to label without knowing them.

Just flabbergasted by the comments of some viewers… hatred is so much implanted in some minds…I just feel sorry- for those who posted these negative comments. You must be living in a terrible world…And you know what (men): the world we (women) are longing for is not yours… we are fed up with your competitions, wars and contempt… There is another way.

I hate to break it to you, but what people call “love” is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded. Break the cycle. Rise above. Focus on science. (If you know where that’s from, we can be friends!)

probably the worst TED talk I've ever seen. Wasted minutes to talk about the delivery process with emotional manipulation, which was totally irrelevant, just to use it as an allegory! Don't spend so much time with allegories. They're not the focus; it's just a piece of spice in a talk, not the main point. Love as opposed to hatred. That's the message (a message no one's ever given before! How novel indeed!) My naive girl, "hatred" does not happen on its own; rather it's promoted sctructurally by hegemonic powers, govts, media, economy etc. And you still see it as an individual problem as if the developed nations were ACTUALLY trying to stop it. Go read world history before you appear before people with your naivity.

I spent three years in solitary confinement in pre-trial detention at the Manhattan Detention Complex (January 8, 2018, till April 4, 2013), which was harsh. But being in the dorm with other people for such a long time is a real torture. Therefore, in many situations, solitary confinement is better.