Exclusive Excerpt: Tongue Tied

Most of us have been there — caught somewhere between expressing our own needs and suffering in silence. It isn’t easy to talk to someone you care about, especially if the it’s about a sensitive topic, like finding new heights of passion in the bedroom.

According to Marriage.com, poor communication is the third most frequent reason for divorce and in a study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, it was found that communication and sexual satisfaction can independently predict marital satisfaction. However, if the communication was bad, sexual satisfaction did not contribute to a relationship’s overall health and success.

And that does not only apply to the married couples. Having solid communication skills is imperative to a person’s success in life, in work, and in the home. We’ve all read the articles, taken the advice, filled out the surveys, read the self-help books that promise you a solution, only to let you down when it comes to practical application. That is where Stella Harris, certified intimacy educator and sex coach, stands out from the crowd. She is not only informative and emphatic, but provides sound advice for improving communication skills in the home, with partners, and in kink play. But, even better, her advice has real applications in every type of relationship from love to business.

This might sound silly, but we don’t always take time to talk to the people who are the most important to us. Maybe you chat about your day, what’s going on at the office, or the movie you just saw, but when did you last talk about your feelings?

Or maybe you and your sweetie(s) don’t get to see each other that often, and you feel reluctant to “ruin” date night by having hard conversations. You just want to enjoy your time together and not risk derailing the evening.

Either way, sometimes the most important things are the hardest to bring up.

Whether you’re simply giving your partner a heads-up that there’s something you’d like to talk about and asking if it’s a good time, or actually scheduling time to talk, it’s important to differentiate “talks” from simply chatting about your day.

You need to be in a different headspace to really share—and hear—heavier stuff about how you or a partner are feeling. That’s why it can be helpful to have a scheduled time on the calendar to talk about how things are going. Depending what your organizational style is, you can even make an agenda for these talks.

Whether you set these talks for once a week or once a month, it can be helpful to know that you’ve got a time coming when you can raise any concerns you’ve been having, set your shared schedule for the coming week or month, and make sure you’re on the same page about the relationship.

If you’re a note-taking type, like I am, you might even keep a running list for yourself of things you want to talk about at the next meeting. Putting something on the list and knowing you’ll get a chance to sort through whatever it is can help take it off your mind in the meantime.

When you have your first scheduled relationship talk, set some ground rules about how you’d like it to go. Are you agreeing on an agenda together? Are you each getting equal time? Are you tackling one big topic, then each adding your own smaller items that have come up since the last meeting? Knowing how the talk will go can be as important as the talks themselves.

Another thing to consider is location. Some people will be most comfortable doing this at home, and for other people having these talks in public is easier. Sometimes being out in the world is a good backdrop to keep things on an even keel, if you’re afraid the talk might get tense or emotional.

The bottom line is figuring out what it takes logistically to make it most likely that you and your sweetie(s) will get what you need from these conversations.

At a minimum, give your partner a heads-up when you want to have a difficult conversation, and check in about whether it’s a good time. Sure, sometimes things come up in the moment that have to be addressed, but if the issue isn’t immediate, you’ll get the best results if you have the conversation when everyone is in the right head space for it. It’s also another way to establish a consent culture within your relationship, by letting people opt in to serious talks rather than being surprised by them.

With clients, I often call these State of the Relationship talks. Just like oil changes, software updates, and putting air in the tires, everything requires ongoing maintenance, and relationships are no exception. Once you’ve decided to have these regular talks, here are some things you might want to cover:

Needs and definitions around sex.

Household logistics, chores, etc.

Vacation planning.

Big personal topics that affect everyone—job changes, moves, etc.

Your schedule for the coming week or month, depending how often you have these talks.

Scheduling date nights.

Sometimes just knowing that you have a built-in space coming up to raise issues can make things feel less urgent. Often it’s not knowing when or how to bring something up that causes the most stress. When you have these talks already on the schedule, you’ll also have a built-in time for bringing up new kinds of sex you’d like to try, or a fantasy you’d like to tell your partner about.

Most people think that figuring out how to start the conversation is the hardest part, so if you’ve got time to talk built in already, you’ve already done the hardest part and you can focus on the information you want to share, rather than worrying about how to bring it up.

Tongue Tied is available for purchase at all major retailers in print and digital formats. Or feel free to order a copy at your local independent bookstore!

Why preparing your kids for sex is just as important as preparing for their birth

When we’re preparing for the birth of a child, everything has to be perfect: pack the overnight bag, save the doula’s emergency number to your and everyone else’s phone, have friends and family on call to rush to your aid, make sure the nursery is perfectly prepared with ALL THE THINGS to welcome your little bundle of joy home…

So… Why is it so important to take such painstaking steps to welcome a child into the world, but, for so many, teaching a child exactly where they came from is something that can trigger feelings of shame and embarrassment on both sides?! If giving birth is so beautiful, then why are we not arming out kids with all the information they need in order to survive the years of puberty, high school, growing up, forming healthy relationships, and ultimately (gasp) having sex themselves? Why would we not give as much thought and attention to prepping a nursery as we would to educating our kids to make smart choices about serious topics? Why is it not more common for parents to develop a plan to educate their children about sex?

As parents, we can choose to leave sex education up to the schools (if a program should even exist in your district) where a school’s teaching plan may not align with your own values/ideals. Or, even worse, kids can be wildly misinformed if your district does not make health and sex education a priority. Personally, I still remember my high school “health teacher,” who was not certified in any way, getting into a heated verbal debate with a fellow student. She believed that cancer IS a virus. Too bad the rest of the world (and fortunately my class) disagreed with her…

Or, perhaps even worse, we can leave sex ed up to the media, movies, music, etc., which tends to paint sex in a truly poor light, misinforming both sexes by conforming to a wide array of unrealistic standards and negative stereotypes.

Championed as the “Our Bodies, Our Selves for today,” Making Sense of “It” can help parents from any background to teach their kids/teens/young adults a variety of different sex-related topics:

the human brain in relation to sex and puberty

the need for human touch

gender roles, sexual identity, and sexual orientation

feeling horny

various levels of “risk” in sexual behaviors

signs of healthy and negative relationships

consent culture

fetishes, fantasies, sex toys, and pornography

choosing when to become sexually active

tactics to improve communication with sexual (current or potential) partners

how to get help and be an active bystander when witnessing sexual harassment and assault

various methods of contraception and abortion

We all know not one family is ever the same, nor is any parent-child relationship, so chapters are conveniently arranged in such away where you can cherry pick your lessons. Making Sense of “It” also includes handy conversation starters at the end of each chapter to help make the “talk” your own, and to forge a closer relationship, which is a challenge unto itself for any teen and parent.

Sex will always be awkward, but talking to your kids about sex shouldn’t be. Making Sense of “It” will help parents everywhere enjoy and appreciate this time as another beautiful step on your parenting journey.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

of

MAKING SENSE OF “IT”: A GUDIE TO SEX FOR TEENS (AND THEIR PARENTS, TOO!)

ALISON MACKLIN has been with the Responsible Sex Education Institute at the Planned Parenthood of the Rocky Mountains (PPRM) for over fourteen years and is currently vice president of education and innovation. Macklin is an award-winning, nationally recognized leader in sex education and holds a Master’s in Social Work from the University of Denver. She is a mother of two who lives in Colorado.

Making Sense of “It” is available for preorder/purchase at all major retailers. Or you can always purchase a copy through your local independent bookstore! Don’t forget to mark it as “To Read” on Goodreads!