"Coffee-coloured people are about to fuck up our investment." The previous highest alert level, reached in 2009, was: "Chocolate-coloured people aren't calling us 'Massah' enough when we tour building sites."

Speaking to the press from the west wing vomitorium of the Sepp Blatter Memorial Château in the small European tax haven of Foq D'Law, spokesperson Robb dem Blaaind said he feared that Brazil's stadiums would not be finished in time for the World Cup of Benelux neocolonialism.

"Ideally, by this point we should be at alert level one: 'The fuzzy-wuzzies are ticking along nicely'," he said, before adding: "Certainly no higher than 'We're having to pay more bribes than we'd hoped, but at least the local savages are keeping their mouths shut'."