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Topic: I need to own this (Read 16507 times)

So my old flatmate who had to move back home has indicated she is moving back to my area for the summer and has asked if she can have her old room back. It just simply isn't going to work for a number of reasons but the main one being I think she would drive the couple I have here now absolutely spare. They are pretty quiet and reserved and she is kind of flighty and pretty full on. I can't however point this out to her and all the other reasons sound a bit lame like "It would just be too hectic", "It would make parking a PITA", "I have people coming to stay over summer and need that room" etc.

I know. No excuses. No JADEing. I'm afraid that won't be possible. But she would get seriously offended and I really don't want to tell her the truth as it looks like I am passing the buck and that the couple would have a problem with her when it is actually my decision after assessing all the pros and cons. It comes down to the simple fact it would just not be a good fit. If the dynamics were different I would probably say yes but as it stands it has to be a no.

I need to put the onus and the reasons for this decision back on me but all I have is a weak explanation which she would see right through and would be able to negate or try and circumvent. I have to give her something other than a flat out no but I have no idea what.

It doesn't matter that they may not be using her old room specifically, but the fact remains that they live in your flat and that it isn't available as a result. All you're leaving off is the "to you" at the end of the sentence...and those words are necessary adds.

I can imagine..."friend, you know how there are people you adore but who you should never live with? like how I get along so much better with my sister when we don't share a roof, but I want to beat her with her own arm, after I rip it off of her, when we share a house for more than 1 day?I see the potential for that sort of personality conflict between you and the other housemates. Since this is their house now, I just don't feel right imposing another room mate when I forsee the 3 of you together being oil and water"

It doesn't matter that they may not be using her old room specifically, but the fact remains that they live in your flat and that it isn't available as a result. All you're leaving off is the "to you" at the end of the sentence...and those words are necessary adds.

This. The situation has changed and it is no longer available. If she gets offended/upset then she is being the rude one.

It doesn't matter that they may not be using her old room specifically, but the fact remains that they live in your flat and that it isn't available as a result. All you're leaving off is the "to you" at the end of the sentence...and those words are necessary adds.

That would be a lie. Her room is available and she knows it as she came down for the weekend not so long ago and stayed in it. She would also pop round for a visit and know it was still available even if I told her otherwise. lying would be even more hurtful so I need to be straight up with her but the truth will not go down well either.

I think you said it yourself. You don't think it would be a good fit personality wise. It's true. If she's an adult, she'll accept that. Remember -- it's your flat and you decide who lives there.If her feelings get hurt, that can be a time to assure her that you like her fine and are always pleased to see her when she comes around.

It doesn't matter that they may not be using her old room specifically, but the fact remains that they live in your flat and that it isn't available as a result. All you're leaving off is the "to you" at the end of the sentence...and those words are necessary adds.

That would be a lie. Her room is available and she knows it as she came down for the weekend not so long ago and stayed in it. She would also pop round for a visit and know it was still available even if I told her otherwise. lying would be even more hurtful so I need to be straight up with her but the truth will not go down well either.

It's not a lie. It's not available for her to rent. I suppose if you feel that you have to give her more of an explanation then just tell her a much gentler version of the truth.

"Since the new renters have moved in, the dynamics of this house have changed and I don't think that adding another roommate on a permanent basis is possible. You're welcome to visit and can stay here for a day or two, but unfortunately the room isn't for rent."

Now, if you are actually planning on finding another person to take that room, I see where you have a bigger problem. And in that case, I would say that your friend needs to be mature enough to understand that some personalities don't mix well in living situations. And you have an obligation to your current renters, before you have one to her.

How about, "I think I'm full up with renters. The spare room is one I'd like to leave that way, for overnight guests, or, I might want to turn that into a computer/craft/sewing room. If you'd like, I'll help you search the ads online to see what's available in the area." (The last thing said only if you are willing to do so, obviously.)

Is this the same woman who still owes you money? That you decided to forgive?

I really wouldn't worry about hurting her feelings. 'Friend, I elected to let it go but the last time, you left, still owing me money. I'm not willing to risk getting burned again. I'm sorry, but you can't move in.'

Logged

After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice: If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.

How about, "I think I'm full up with renters. The spare room is one I'd like to leave that way, for overnight guests, or, I might want to turn that into a computer/craft/sewing room. If you'd like, I'll help you search the ads online to see what's available in the area." (The last thing said only if you are willing to do so, obviously.)

This was going to be my suggestion. If you've never had more than two renters (that she knows of, anyway) then tell her you can't handle 3+ tenants.

OR

Tell her the truth - that while you enjoy her company, and you enjoy their company, you are certain they would not enjoy each other's company. She'll ask why and you can explain that they're very quiet, reserved people and she's outgoing and boisterous and the two don't mesh. Reassure her that YOU adore her but they were there first.

Is this the same woman who still owes you money? That you decided to forgive?

I really wouldn't worry about hurting her feelings. 'Friend, I elected to let it go but the last time, you left, still owing me money. I'm not willing to risk getting burned again. I'm sorry, but you can't move in.'

That is the one. Gee you have a good memory! I wouldn't bring up the money as that is a non issue for me. It's more her behaviour and personality. She is one of those go with the flow, transient kind of people who sees herself as flexible but the need to be so they can wriggle around people, so she would find a way round my lame reasons. She knows I have the room for her to stay, but would ask why I unwilling to help her when I had the resources to do so. The "I need that room for guests" would be met with "Oh that's OK. I will go to my parents while they are here/I can just sleep in the office". I could do it but I just don't want to and it wouldn't be fair on the others as it is their home too but ultimately I make the decision. They have met her and mentioned they found her a bit 'out there'.

I am hesitant to even let her stay short term until she sorts out other arrangements because she simply think "But this is going so well. Why should I leave?" while she quickly drove the others round the bend without even realising.

There is one card I could pull but it is a big one and would be unpleasant to bring up. She is quite racist and used to come out with some pretty off statements that quite frankly I was appalled by and it certainly lowered my opinion of her big time. One of the couple is half this race but doesn't look it at all so you would never be able to tell. Even though I told her I didn't agree with her opinions and could she please refrain from expressing them around me she just doesn't have a filter between her brain and her mouth and if she did say something offensive I would just have to ask her to leave ASAP. Any conversation about it would be along the lines of "Look N, last time you were here you made some pretty off remarks about such and such a race and I didn't really appreciate it. You need to be aware that P is half such and such and I don't trust you to not make similar comments in the future so I think it is best you look at other options for somewhere to stay."

I know this is blunt, but...Why are you so worried about offending her? Is she a friend? Can she make your life miserable if you don't give her a place to stay?

All of the reasons you gave are JADEing and won't do either of you any favors. Since you can't (won't) tell her NO, I think you need to pull out the old "I'm afraid that won't be possible" and you need to own this "it is actually my decision after assessing all the pros and cons.

Just tell her 'No, it won't be possible for you to move in.' Lather, rinse, repeat. Don't give her any excuses whatsoever. There is no point in trying to keep this person as a friend. Let her be mad; she'll either get over it or die mad.

There is no point in trying to give her an excuse of any kind; she's just going to try to refute it and you'll be trying excuse after excuse. So every time she gives you some reason why you should let her move in, 'It won't be possible for you to move in.'

Logged

After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice: If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.

This woman is a user. Under the guise of being a "free spirit" she took advantage of you, and still owes you $. That is shameful behavior!

Tell her "that will not be possible," "that won't work for me," "I can't have so many people and a baby besides in the house." Take a lesson from her and be a bit flaky and hard to pin down except for the big, fat No.

Don't let her move in at all, even for a night. If you do, it will be very difficult to get rid of her. She is apparently a skilled moocher.