Warning: If you have no sense of humor or tend to take things way too personally, this blog is not for you. If that isn't clear enough for you, see the disclaimer.

Is this subtle enough?

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Disclaimer

The stories in this blog are in compliance with HIPAA regulation. Details have been changed to protect patient privacy. I am not talking about you. While I originally said opinions expressed are my own, at the time I wrote whatever you are reading, upon further consideration you may not be reading my opinion at all. This blog is for entertainment. All stories are slanted with the intent to amuse, if you are into that sort of thing. If you are looking for a blog about beautiful birth stories, there are plenty out there, keep moving. This blog is not meant to offer or substitute for medical advice (i.e. call your doctor).

About Me

Thursday, February 21, 2008

A twenty-something weeker showed up last night, with the very concerned father-of-the-baby, complaining of vaginal bleeding and passing clots. This, never being a good scenario, demanded immediate attention. I put her on the fetal monitor and am able to get a good tracing of the baby, who appears to be quite well. Next come the questions.

"When did the bleeding start?"

"About a couple hours ago."

"Did you wear a pad in?"

"Yes but there was nothing on it"

"Were you having bleeding that's heavy like a period?"(At this point her doctor has wandered into the room and is standing patiently by the bed.)

"Not really, mostly just some spotting and clots."

When was the last time you had sex?

"Valentine's Day."Since this was nearly a week prior, I quickly rule it out as the immediate cause of her bleeding. The doc has now poked and prodded his way around assessing her belly and is asking me for a sterile glove.

He goes to examine her and starts pulling out large clots. But wait. Are they clots?

On further inspection, perhaps they are strawberries.

"Honey, did you put strawberries in your vagina?" I ask.

She looks at her companion sheepishly. He answers for her. "I guess we forgot about those."

I love this blog-- one of the most entertaining I've found. And so very educational too... I'm going to tell my husband that, if he ever gets the urge to start throwing fruit up the ol' yahoo, he'd better make sure he cleans up after himself.

Since we are on the topic. :) When I gave birth to my daughter last year the hospital prepares a *special* meal for you and your hubby/partner/whoever, and I requested Cheesecake as my dessert. Um..they put canned cherries on it. Do you know what canned cherry topping looks like to a women who gave birth the day before? Friggen clots! Ew. I almost gagged. :) LOL

Are you sure you got all the strawberries out? Did you have to bring her out to the OR and get the suction machine running? At least it was not a cue ball, those are tough to get out!! But a word to the wise, a suction cup works great on round things shoved in the vagina....How do I know this???

Hi this is my first time here...so what can I say!! LOL...I am a nurse too, but dialysis, so no where near as exciting as apparently L&D is...how does someone forget the strawberries...and more importantly why??I hope you gave them pt ed on the importance of counting the strawberries before and after..ahem...and maybe just suggest the whipped cream...

I'm hoping only women read this because it's so embarrassing. But I think you will appreciate this.

After my first son was born I had a small but very painful tear that didn't heal right. (I foolishly turned down the midwives' offer of a stitch.) It was always painful when touched after that, even 18 months later. When baby #2 was on the way, my ever-present fear was that I would experience excruciating pain and tear even worse when pushing the new baby out.

Of course, I could have asked my midwife about it but I was still too prudish about my body. Old impressions die hard. So at about 36 weeks, when labor was imminent enough to make me very paranoid but NOT imminent enough to be desirable at that point, I decided to try an experiment.

To see if I was going to tear, I got the biggest smooth thing I thought was safe to use, which happened to be a large lemon, and tried very carefully inserting it. To my surprise the pain went away completely after the initial stretch. I let it slip in a little further and accidentally lost my grip on it. I jerked up in a panic and it slid all the way in. ALL the way!

Well, I thought, it can't be that hard to get out. WRONG! It took me nearly 20 minutes and several different tools to get it out. By the time I did, I was shaking and crying, and terrified I would have to call my midwife and actually admit to putting a lemon inside of me. And also scared that the very difficult and painful extraction with a pair of kitchen tongs might somehow put me in early labor. Every Braxton Hicks had me panicked for the rest of the day.

When the baby was actually born, I didn't tear at all. And there has been no pain there since. So much for my silly fears.

I told this story To my Mom (OBGYN ARNP, and former l&d nurse) and her best friend (CNM). My mom almost fell off her chair but her friend just chuckled and said I've found peaches before. To which we all began to question these people who want to stick food up there!!

OMG!! Just stumbled upon your blog by chance and it cracked me up. This is the best thing I have read this week. Still laughing out loud...it looks like you haven't been posting on it anymore, such a shame cause this stuff is great!

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