Aren’t we all narcissists or it’s just me? – A self reflection.

It’s been a while I haven’t written anything. Today, I want give myself a chance to do some reflecting on the topic of narcissism.

I have noticed that recently the word “narcissist” or “narcissism” has been appearing a lot in my life, at least in what I expose to these days. I’ve been thinking a lot about this. There are plenty articles written and songs sung about these so-called toxic people who seem to bring so much misery to everyone’s lives. People tweet about it, warning each other about it. It got me thinking, what’s the big fuss? Digging deeper and deeper into this really makes me wonder, am I a narcissist because according so plenty of articles, I seem to portrait a lot of those qualities/behaviors.

I just googled a write-up on how to identify if one’s a narcissist. And I kid you not, I see myself everywhere. But I want to clarify myself, once for all. How this works is if you score over 55% of the total point, you’re likely one hell out a narcissist yourself.

Superiority and entitlement. I don’t think of the world as one big hierarchy and I’m on top of it. I don’t have to be the best, the most right, and the most competent. I have too much admiration for talented, righteous and brave people, and no way I think of myself any more superior than them. Well, I do think that no matter if it’s right or wrong in my life, I always have the best judgement (although it is not always true). I’d like to say that I know my heart and myself better than anyone. There were many occasions I hurt people because of my reckless actions. I am one selfish person when it comes to what I feel. But other than that, I believe that I’m one of the more caring and generous people out there, rather selfless to the point that sometimes it felt pretty silly. On the same spectrum, I don’t enjoy being the worst, the most wrong, ill, upset, or injured. Well, I guess I do long for sympathy from time to time, and yes, I do exaggerate other people’s wrong-doings and mistakes but I dread pity. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. Ah… but it is very true that I want to “make things even”. I’m a lot worse, I can’t seem to forget to forgive. If someone messes with me, I’d make sure to make it even or a lot worse for that person. I tried not to do this so often, but a lot of times I just had my little revenge without caring much about the consequences. I just had to fight back. So I guess in a way, I’m somewhat a narcissist. I’d give myself 0.5/1.

Exaggerated need for attention and validation. Well, I dread attention most of the time but I do enjoy validation. I don’t want to be noticed, but I don’t like it when people are ungrateful. I’d stay the hell out of the public’s eyes the best I can yet I sometimes was indeed very needy for my loved one’s attention, be it a friend or a loved on. But the good thing is, I only need one person at a time and it’s enough. I’m selfish to the point that the person that I’m with has to always pay 100% attention to me. Of course, to me it’s not one-sided. I’d go great lengths to take care of that person and make sure that he/she felt special too. I’ve met people like that but I was so stupid of letting them go, and ended up with someone with too much of a package that I felt neglected and alone. Don’t get me wrong. He’s the nicest person and treats everyone very kindly but it’s just that. We had little control over our relationship and no freedom at all which made me feel like I was being suffocated for the longest time by his family. Again, they are decent people (who think very very highly of themselves although my ex-partner never does), but it’s just that living with them full-time tired the shit out of me and it drained my energy emotionally I just had to get out. I didn’t feel our relationship was enough for a lifetime of… that, and so off the relationship went. I’m obsessed with the picture of two persons against the world. Isn’t it ironic that sometimes people make the most basic mistakes, leaving what’s perfectly fitted partner in pursuit of some fantasy life that screamed “WRONGGGGGG!” right from the beginning? So back to the evaluation, I’d give myself 0.25/1 on this. I guess I’m not so much of a narcissist, I’m just a very needy romantic partner.

Perfectionism. This I have to give myself 1/1 right away. I don’t like things to go off my tracks, and I tend to get very anal. There was one point of time my life did not quite turn out precisely as expected causing me to feel dissatisfied and miserable as hell. I really have to work on this, sigh.

Lack of responsibility – blaming and deflecting. Well, I do put great emphasis on whatever has my name on it but I have to admit that I do put the blame mostly on my closest people in my relationships, whether it’s a family member or a partner. I don’t have so many people in my life, so yes, I tend to do this. There’s no deny. But I’ve stopped even thinking to blame anyone for anything. Life to me is “if it doesn’t fit, I won’t shit”. 0.75/1 I think is fair.

Lack of boundaries. I NEVER think everything belongs to m or everyone thinks and feels the same as I do. Buttttttttt… if I want something from anyone (which I don’t think happened a lot), I have to have it. Again, I don’t go everywhere taking things from some random people but I can be very persistent. 0.75/1.

Lack of empathy. If there’s one good thing I seem to have in life, I think it has to be empathy. I feel other people’s pains and I’m the easiest person to get close to even though I’m nowhere near sociable. Absolutely 0/1.

Emotional reasoning. Let’s just say that I’d give myself 10/0 on this if I can. To me, emotions are very important, it can save or kill me inside so I don’t negotiate much when it comes to my emotions. 1/1.

Splitting. So here’s a definition of this “narcissists aren’t able to fee, feel, or remember both the positive and the negative in a situation. They can deal with only one perspective at a time – theirs”. Ehm… this is true for me, in a certain extent. I can be completely irrational when it comes to judgement in the heat of the moment, but I did realize my wrong doings when everything simmers down and I have my own space and time to do self-reflection. I always feel grateful for all the experiences in life, so I guess… 0.75/1?

Fear. I don’t think I really fear anything in life. I always say I’m a jumbo of imperfections, thus there’s no secret to anyone I consider “close” to my life. Moreover, I can be a little too trusting so, I’d say 0/1.

Anxiety. I’ve been battling anxiety for the LONGEST time, and I think most of my writings in this blog are about living my anxiety. I think I don’t want my loved ones to feel my anxiety, but rather act on it. It’s always like a desperate call for immediate attention but I don’t believe in transferring negative energy to other people. 1/1.

Shame. If this is about being “impossible to be completely real and transparent”, I think I’d give myself 1/1, but there’s this part about “keeping his vulnerabilities hidden”, I’d adjust to 0.5/1 because I always wear my flawed heart inside out.

An inability to be truly vulnerable. 1/1, no explanation needed on being “emotionally needy” and ending/overlapping unsatisfying relationship. Well, I have to say that now is a first time in my life that I’m not emotionally needy or in any romantic relationship. It got lonely at times, but once I got used to it, I never felt so liberal and free before.

An inability to communicate or work as a team. I CAN!!!! I used to dread teamwork but I got so much practice that I got so much better at it, and I consider myself quite a team player so 0/1.

I have to say that I’m not surprised that I score over 55% on this little “test”, 69.7% to be exact. So now that I’ve acknowledged that I’m a narcissist, so what’s next?