Step right up, step right up and be prepared to enter a whole new world. Your guide on this wacky ride? The only one capable of handling all this silliness, the one who has all of this inside her head, me. So sit back and enjoy the ride because when it ends things will never be the same.

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Monday, March 11, 2013

Sometimes life isn't all sunshine and happiness

And know exactly how it feelsI have not been
feeling really happy lately, I just haven't. Every day just seems to
repeat itself, wake up, get dressed, try to do stuff for uni/going to
lecture, get home, drink tea, eat something, have dinner and go to
sleep. I want to do fun stuff but for some reason I'm still stuck in my
home writing this instead of doing fun stuff. I could make an educated
guess as to why I'm not doing what i want to do and will be doing
exactly that. This blog isn't just for lolita only but also for when I'm
not doing so well. I have the tendency not to tell people when I'm not
feeling ok so they won't worry about and after a while my batteries are
dead. I just can't do it anymore and I break down. I sorta want to avoid
it by writing down why I'm not feeling happy but even on the internet
it's hard.

What it feels like to be me atmSource: http://punchpolygons.tumblr.com/post/37663671931/anxiety-sucks

First of all I'm stressed out to the max, a
while ago when I was having a Bond movie marathon with two good friends
from university my mom sent me a text telling me to call my aunt because
something seriously bad had happened. So I called my aunt and didn't
get through, tried it again, still didn't work. When she called me back I
learned that my mom has a severe depression and she had some really bad
money problems. I never knew this would happen to my mom of all people,
me being my usual self got worried the instant I heard it and that half
hour on the phone seemed to last forever. Praise the lord my friends
were there so I had someone to talk to, I swear those guys are the best
in the world! Apparently it is so severe that my sister who had a big
ass fight with my dad and didn't want to see him anymore moved back
there. And then it hit me, I was stuck here in Rotterdam and I couldn't
do anything. Like nothing at all, even if I were to go back to Wijk I
still wouldn't be able to do something. And that sucks, I love all my
friends and family dearly so when something happens to them I get
worries sick, I try to make life better for them. But realizing that
wouldn't work this time made me stress out.

Then a few
weeks later when I was back in Wijk again my dad dropped another bomb.
My sister, the one that has been living with my mom, was also at risk
for a burn out because she had been running the household. This
depression of my moms has been going for a while and it started after I
moved out so I never knew something was up as I didn't go back to my
parents as much. I moved not only because of the closer proximity to my
university but also because I was sick and tired of all the fighting
going on at home.

So yeah there you have it, but
unfortunately this isn't all. You know that feeling when you're in love
and it gets taken away from you? That hurts, like a great big deal. I
have to admit that I have never ever been really in love with someone
despite having had 4 boyfriends before meeting my most recent ex. It all
began like all of my relationships start, well we'll see where this
ends. And slowly but surely I started falling in love and then in my
christmas vacation it was taken all away. It feels like your world is
caving in at the moment. And it sucks, I was finally happy for once... I
am always wary of relationships because I tend to fuck them up but I
guess this just wasn't meant to be.

I would never do
this in real life but I'm crying writing all of this, I've tried to be
strong but I can't do it anymore. I want to go out and have a good time
but then my final problem kicks in. I don't want to it alone, I don't
want to be alone but I'm too scared to ask people if they wanna do stuff
with me. This had been affecting me for most of my life now and it's no
fun. I'm shy and introverted to the point where even calling a friend
is hard task and answering texts isn't my favorite thing in the world
either. So I just sit here behind my laptop contemplating my life and
thinking about all the shit I would have done differently if I could.
It's hard when you want to go out and have a fun time but you're being
held back because of some stupid mental thing. And no, I cannot get over
it. I know most of you who read this blog know that but just to be
sure. For the past couple of months I have not been feeling well, I
barely sleep and when I do sleep enough I wake up still tired. This
partially to blame on my iron deficiency so I have been eating cashew
nuts and appelstroop but for a great deal this is because I haven't been
feeling ok.

When the idea of writing this post popped
into my head last night I had already formulated beautiful sentences to
describe what I was feeling but as with all good ideas at 1 in the night
I didn't get out of bed and started writing right away.

To
end on a slightly happier note, I have found a mint blouse for my Sugar
Fairy Coord! It's a gorgeous AP blouse in L size. I have another AP
blouse that is the normal size but the sleeves are a tad too short. The
waist and bust of this blouse I bought are much bigger than my own but
I'm hoping that the sleeves will be the correct length because I love
long sleeved blouses more than the short sleeved variant.

2 comments:

That is a lot of bleg! I feel like you haven't been happy sinds you went to Rotterdam. Lots of mommys love there babygirls ^^ I think she misses you end you miss her. Money problems is what I know but all to well. But you can forget your problems and she can forget hers by doing one thing. Have a Ladys day. Go get a High tea together or a window shopping day. Have some together time. Maby catch a movie. She has to get out of the house sometimes so are you. You are working so hard and that is good but you can work so match beter when you feel like workings on the problems and feel ok for a wile even if that is for a few hours. Pretty dresses and pretty blouses don't make you happy for longer that a sec.

I agree with Fairydoll, go visit your mother and have a girls day. Spend a nice day together, and get out of the house. I really hope your mother will feel better, and also you of course!

You know that your friends all love you, right? ♥ Don't be afraid of asking people to do something fun. You are one of the most fun friend to hang with! I always enjoy your company when you're around ^^

I know what you mean with being introvert, and I'm also like that. Though I know it can go better in time, when I look back how I was several years ago. You can do it! It will take some time, but it's not impossible :) It's indeed not something you can just get over it. But I know you are a strong person, and I believe in you!

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About Me

20 year old criminology student living in Rotterdam. Part time lolita, full time crazy person and guaranteed to make funny faces in pictures. My superhero alter ego: Derpiwi, bringing back the lulz one frill at a time. I like looking at pictures of stuff I can't afford, going batshit over the newest AP release and flipping my shit when something happens to my friends. On that note, I love making new ones :D