Parenting Review

​How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk (1980). Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. New York: Simon and Schuster. (Click here to find it on Amazon)

Because it is a classic, and because it is a fun, quick read, I recommend every parent have a look at this book. You will probably want to read it through from beginning to end, and you may want to keep it on an easily accessible shelf for frequent referencing at least until you graduate to How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk (Click here to find it on Amazon), which is based in the same principles.

The title of this book itself is food for thought. So much of what we want from our kids is for them to listen to us. So much of what frustrates us as parents stems from the difficulty in finding out what is in their minds, in getting them to talk to us. And the complementarity in this title makes so much sense: the way we talk to our kids affects the way they listen. The way we listen to them—and let them know we are listening—is a main determinant in whether and how they talk to us. Beginning from the title, we know to expect that this book is not only about management, but also about relationship.

In this book, and in all their books, Faber and Mazlish help us to integrate our short-term parenting goals (such as getting our children to brush their teeth) with our long-term goals (such as developing their problem-solving skills and resilience, and fostering healthy relationships). The book is divided into 6 sections, plus a summary section called Putting It All Together. Each section is named for a broad goal. Within each section the authors offer very specific skills to achieve that goal. There are short comic strips demonstrating each skill in action—often showing what not to do, juxtaposed with what to do—always with a gentle sense of humor. Then there are written exercises that give the reader an opportunity to practice before trying out the skills at home.

The 7 sections of the book are:Helping Children Deal With Their Feelings Engaging Cooperation Alternatives to Punishment Encouraging Autonomy Praise Freeing Children from Playing Roles Putting It All Together

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk came out in 1980. Nearly 40 years later, these topics are still top of mind for many of us. The specific skills taught within each section are still very usable and helpful.

When I use this book with parents today, I find that many were raised by the earlier generation of parents who were influenced by Faber and Mazlish, by their mentor, the child psychologist Dr. Haim Ginnot, and by the general zeitgeist of middle class child rearing of the times. That earlier generation absorbed the idea that children should be treated as full people, their feelings respected, and their wishes taken into consideration. That generation integrated this idea with the clear standards of behavior and parental authority that they took for granted.

The middle class American parents I meet, both as an early childhood educator and as a therapist, have generally absorbed the principles of humanistic parenting very well. They often struggle, on the other hand, to feel comfortable asserting parental authority. They don’t take these for granted. They often feel uncertain what standards of behavior to enforce, and rarely seem to feel entitled to set those standards themselves.

Faber and Mazlish set out to teach parents “alternatives to punishment” because they felt there was too much, overly harsh, relationally distant punishment going on. They wanted parents to be more sympathetic, to listen to children, to explain the reasons for rules, etc. The children of those parents are now themselves parents of upper elementary, middle school, and even high school students. If you are one of them, chances are you may often yearn for clarity: what should the rules be? How should I enforce them? How can I make my kids listen?

The How To Talk topics and skills can help balance these wobbly parents just as they helped soften the previous generation of authoritarian parents. Whoever you are, wherever you find yourself on the spectrum of authoritarian vs. “marshmallow” parent, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, along with the companion books by the same authors, Siblings Without Rivalry (Click here to find it on Amazon) and How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk, and others listed below, will help you find your way to balanced, authoritative, parenting.

​Thank you for joining me in my new blogging adventure. So much of the work that I do is personalized to the people sitting in front of me in the moment. I believe firmly that parenting needs to be a very personal endeavor. As one of my clients summarized it recently, “there is no one right way to parent; there are wrong ways to parent, but there is no one right way.” This idea is freeing and affirming. If your friends all seem to be sleep training their babies but it just doesn’t feel right to you, you don’t have to do it. If your friends are nursing on demand, but you have tried that and it makes you feel your world is unmanageably chaotic, go ahead and create a schedule that works for you and your baby.

One of the constants of parenting is the day by day, minute by minute choices we make. This is true from before our children are born until they launch into the big world as adults. And—ask your own parents if you doubt it—even after that. Another constant is the degree to which we don’t have control. Many of us are faced with this in the process of conceiving, carrying and birthing our children. All of us learn as our children grow that they come to us with temperaments, strengths, challenges, and their own combination of intelligences.

Many of us come to parenting knowing what we don’t want to do in raising our children. Some of us come into it with some clarity about what we do want to do. If we are fortunate, we have partners in raising our children, and our partners are somewhere near enough to being on the same page with us. Single parents are fortunate if they find extended family or friends who are on more or less the same page and can partner with them to some extent.

Parenting is, to a great extent, a creative endeavor. Each of us needs to find our own, authentic self expression as parents. Like creative artists, we build on traditions of those who came before us. Also like creative artists, our work benefits from our study of theory, and of technique. Picasso didn’t paint the way he did because he couldn’t make his faces come out “right.” He had a command of theory and technique that allowed him to make his own choices and to find his own way.

Our families and cultures of origin may have provided us with our traditions for the art of parenting, of shaping the shared life of a family into a nurturing environment. Our friends and current cultural milieu influence our choices. But our work will benefit significantly if we familiarize ourselves with theory and technique.

I don’t recommend following any book or expert precisely: paint-by-numbers parenting is not effective. But I highly recommend reading a variety of sources to build your own repertoire, to create your own palette and style.

Parents are busy people. It is my hope to provide you with reviews of books on the theory and technique of parenting. These reviews may give you material you find useful in itself. I hope they will also help you determine which books will be most helpful to you in the current moment of your development as a parent. Reading a whole book can be a significant investment of time and energy in the life of a parent. I hope to help you make those investments in books that will give you what you need.

Author

Emily Shapiro advises New York City parents who are navigating the nursery and independent school admissions process, through her business, Emily Shapiro Consulting. Emily is also a psychotherapist working with families, couples and individuals of all ages at NYC Therapy Group in Riverdale, NY. Emily holds masters degrees in education and in Marriage and Family Therapy. She is a native of New York City, and the mother of two, ages 29 and nearly-9.