The Yom Kippur Dare

Do I ask God for another chance, a chance I know I don’t deserve?

I am not supposed to be afraid. I am supposed to be contemplative, thoughtful and driven to change. I am supposed to feel the privilege of Yom Kippur, the joy of standing before God, our Father and King, who wants to hear us and find us worthy. And I feel all of these things, I do. But mostly, deep down in my soul where the truth lies, I am afraid. The day of reckoning is here again. I have examined myself and I do not find myself worthy.

We are taught that we should find comfort in the thought of God as a loving parent. But this scares me too. Because I am a parent and even in my deep and abiding love for my children I have been snippy and snappish and angry and jealous and spiteful sometimes. I have fallen far short of the standard of mercy, kindness and righteousness that I expected of myself.

Our Sages say that God is our King and we are his servants and I am afraid. Because the world is full of violence and lewdness and inhumanity and its King must not like that.

Last year I stood in shul, dressed in white, and made all kinds of promises. With tears in my eyes and a hole in my heart I stood before my creator and I swore to be different, to be better. To be kinder and gentler, more patient, less judgmental. I meant every word. But as I look back at the year that passed I wonder: How many lies did I tell unknowingly, unwillingly as I stood before God on the holiest day of the year? And does He hold it against me?

This year has been filled with wake up calls. Yet how many resolutions have I kept?

This year has brought the violent and sickening murders of the innocents: of the Fogel family, of Leiby Kletzky, of Rabbi Abuchatzeira. Thousands have been lost to typhoons and earthquakes and illness and war. Like every year, this one has been filled with messages and wake up calls. And yet, how many changes have I implemented, how many resolutions have I kept?

I can tell you right now, not many.

What happened? How did I lose the pure resolve of my Yom Kippur self? It’s simple. Life wore me down, mundanely, insidiously. The mornings started too early and the nights ended too late. There was too much laundry. There were too many dishes. I got cranky and bored and uninspired. I fell from my resolve and landed back in my old ways. My white garments were muddied. My high minded promises turned slowly into lies.

I did not do what I said I’d do. And if I know it, He knows it too. So, I am afraid. If I promise again, will He believe me again? Do I dare ask for another chance? A chance I know I don’t deserve?

The answer is yes. I do dare. Because if there is one thing that I’ve learned as a parent it’s that a heartfelt apology from a beloved child goes a long way to calming one’s anger. When they stand before us, repentant and sad, we remember again how small they are, how young, how hard they try. Our hearts turn to them and we forgive.

And so every year when the candles are lit and we are all dressed in white, I sit down to pray. I whisper, with sincerity and heartfelt emotion. I am sorry. I am unworthy, but I am truly sorry. Please, give me another chance.

Although I am the only one talking it feels like a holy conversation. I say, yes I sinned but I didn’t mean to. I fell as all people fall because we are flawed. We are petty and small and wounded. You know that – You created us! And I say, although we have not done everything right, we have not done everything wrong and the world is hard and impure. We struggle to maintain our humanity, our morality and our mission. But our redemption is in the struggle. We try. If we fail again and again, at least we try.

I stare down at the beautiful words on the page until they blur in front of my teary eyes. I confess; I am damaged, I am imperfect. I am angry and deceitful and jealous and proud. But God, You Who knows the truth of all things must surely know that I am sorry. All of Klal Yisrael is sorry today. And the sins we committed were from weakness and not evil. I whisper to God, If we have been ugly, we have been beautiful too. We cried true tears for the murdered, for the sick and the injured in Klal Yisrael. We felt the unity of Jews who are truly one family, children of Abraham, our Forefather. We prayed for a better world, we created lending gemachs and prayer groups, and Torah classes. We tried to teach our children to be better than ourselves.

So this year as I stand before You, God, please look into my heart as only You can. Don’t look at last year. Don’t look at yesterday. Look at today. What I say right now, I mean, truly. I am sorry. I repent my sins. I fully intend to turn from them and not to do them again. If I was unworthy this year then it’s because I am small and imperfect. But You are great and perfect. You are God and not constrained by the bonds of mortality. My Father, My King, I am sorry. See my smallness and love me anyway.

Forgive me and give me another chance. Forgive us all and give us another chance.

Visitor Comments: 24

This is exactly how I was feeling as Yom Kippur was approaching. Thanking for sharing it with everybody.
May Hashem bless us all!

(22)
Robin,
October 10, 2011 5:07 AM

Yom Kippur is over, but I'm still reading articles, trying to hold the feeling and commitment in my heart. This is SOOO my husband--I'm forwarding it to him. Thank you so much.

(21)
MIRNA BAIZ,
October 8, 2011 8:01 PM

THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS WITH US. I FEEL AS IF I WROTE IT. CRIED MY HEART OUT.

(20)
Joey,
October 8, 2011 5:55 PM

This just about sums my feelings up perfectly. Thanks for writing this, and God bless!

(19)
Yaffa,
October 7, 2011 4:25 AM

I was reading all the articles, looking for the one I could truly be inspired by reading and apply on the long term, this was the one. Thank you. I plan on sharing with friends and family.

(18)
Anonymous,
October 5, 2011 1:58 PM

Very powerful and exactly what I am feeling before this Yom Kippur

(17)
Benjamin,
October 5, 2011 4:06 AM

Wow

Superb. It was like I wrote this article.

(16)
Miriam Katz,
October 4, 2011 8:34 AM

i just read this article, though with difficulty, through gushes of tears. yael zoldan speaks for all of us. this was a very inspiring and emotional article. i made a copy for myself (i am 75 years old) so that i can read it again. as you can see, i've been davening on yom kippur for many, many years. hopefully this year will be even more meaningful. a gmar chasima tova. miriam katz

(15)
Anonymous,
October 4, 2011 1:23 AM

Thank you

I cried reading this. Thank you so much for helping me respond to those negative, hopeless, and ultimately self-sabotaging inner voices.

(14)
Anonymous,
October 3, 2011 10:21 PM

Please another chance.....

I enjoyed reading your posting and of course, it resonates. Admitting our iniquities and making our heartfelt sorrow at our shortcomings....with our hearts and efforts merging forth with all good and pure intentions to do better....What I have trouble with is the horrors of things that have happened to good people over the past year, even to children....I don't understand and I ask for peace and blessings of good health & happiness for me, for my family and for all of the children of Israel. I feel that I should not question what happens.....Hashem, please forgive me....and thank you for all that I have.

(13)
michelle leader,
October 3, 2011 9:16 PM

Eloquent

(12)
Frida,
October 3, 2011 7:21 PM

Thank you

Thank you for expressing what we are all feeling but dont know how to say it. I cried a lot and you gave me the courage to want to start all over.
Gmar chasima tova

(11)
Anonymous,
October 3, 2011 2:10 AM

So eloquent

I love everything you write because you somehow capture a feeling that is so real yet unspoken and you draw it into the light and capture it with just exactly the right words. You should just know that for every article you write, there are probably dozens of angels created by the inspiration you give to your many unseen readers. Don't be so sure you don't deserve another year.... May Hashem accept our heartfelt, feeble apologies and give us all another chance. Gmar chasima Tova!

(10)
Anonymous,
October 3, 2011 1:48 AM

carnal weakness

I had a good bawl reading your article. As I sat on the computer doing some work while reflecting on my past and present situation, and how I have failed God without even intending to do so. I received all the answers from your article that I was struggling with, wspecially the where it says that my wrongs were done out of weakness and not evil; -did i really intend to hurt my Father- the answer would definitely be a NO. Thank you so much for shedding some light in my darkest hour.

(9)
Dorita,
October 3, 2011 12:54 AM

I just can say thanks.......I cant stop crying.... May God see my heart full of sins and forgive me....

(8)
Shira,
October 3, 2011 12:39 AM

Exactly what I needed to hear!

It is so comforting to have the support of others NOT to give up, to try yet again to step up and do the right thing. This time of year is not about wallowing in the guilt and becoming depressed about what we've done. It is about finding the strength to make a change. Lets hold onto the faith that even though we may have almost given up on ourselves, GD has not.

(7)
Denise,
October 2, 2011 11:25 PM

Beautifully written and heartfelt

This was so well expressed and comforting, we are all wondering what happened to our resolve after last Yom Kippur.

(6)
Berta,
October 2, 2011 11:07 PM

Thank You

Thank you helping me to realize that I am not alone in my feelings, and for putting my thoughts into words.

(5)
RK,
October 2, 2011 8:08 PM

GREAT!

Thanks so much! very nicely said! :)

(4)
e.moskovitz,
October 2, 2011 7:10 PM

Hashem gives credit for every little good deed and thought. For honesty alone, you merit His smiles on your entire family. Small and imperfect we all may be, but repentant in every cell! May your efforts at being good be a defending angel for you!

(3)
Melissa,
October 2, 2011 7:03 PM

You speak for us all

So heartfelt Yael, and just what I needed to read during these precious days. So good to know that we are not alone in our fear, our longing for connection, for growth, for better and for another chance. And a great reminder that obstacles don't negate progress and renewal.

(2)
sarah,
October 2, 2011 2:48 PM

Bless you

Thank you for bringing tears to my eyes, and helping me
adress Hashem.

(1)
Silky,
October 2, 2011 11:39 AM

Thank you

Thank you for putting my feelings into words. I hope and pray that my Father, my King can look at me and see my feelings and how I've tried, not how I failed and grant me a good year.