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Monday, March 23, 2015

Tomorrow Marks The One Year Death Of My Father

I struggled with the name of this posting. I wanted to call it the hardest year of my life, but I am still alive. I lost my dad a year ago. I'm parentless. It sounds petty to hear the words come out of my mouth , but I feel so ungrounded. I don't have anyone to call and get those words of wisdom from or to call and ask about dogs just because I wanted to share something. I am drifting in this life without a lifeboat called my parents.

I look down at my children and my husband and I think about their lifeboat. I'm their lifeboat, I am to them, what he was to me. It makes me feel a little better, but it still does not take away the feeling of emptiness. I feel like a hypocrite. I tell my clients how to cope with their feelings, and I run from my feelings most of the time now. I'm not even using my coping skill which is and always has been writing.

Could it be that my eyes see things differently now? I sometimes close my eyes wishing to see my father's ghost standing in front of me. How I wish I could just see his face once more. I wouldn't fuss, I would just stay with him until the sun died down. Then I think back to my girls. They are here, and I have them right now. There will be no bucket of tears tonight or tomorrow. I will honor his going away with living and striving to do good things.