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Monday, March 31, 2014

I started blogging again because I wanted to blog about the exciting changes that were happening in my life. I have a job that I love, I'm closing on my very own home in less than a month now, and I was sharing my life with someone who I love dearly.... But I also have always kept this blog like a diary. Did I expect to ever be writing like this again? Absolutely not. For me, writing is therapy. So I can't apologize if sometimes this blog is like a Debbie downer. Although I try to see the positive in every situation, sometimes I just need to let it out....

I'm never good with change. I don't think I can blog about it enough. I think heartache is like having your tonsils out. The older you are, the harder the aftermath. Maybe it's the thought of starting over, again. Maybe it's the reality that I'm not living the plans I imagined. I steered off that course along time ago. Through each situation I try to not do anything out of spite and I never have wanted to feel empowered over someone. Making myself feel better isn't a priority I strive to receive. Maybe I should, but it's just never been how I deal with situations. I am, however, sometimes too nice and give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I see the good. Right now some would say I have it all, but I beg to differ. I try daily to remember that His plan is greater but my heart is bruised. At 18, if you asked how my life would be at 27 this wouldn't have been it. I, again, don't make those plans. I only follow them, sometimes screaming and fighting. I've been given the answers I so desperately crave and I am still having the hardest time putting one foot in front of the other. Do I realize that many others have it way worse than I? Of course. But today, these are my struggles, and they are very real. Growing up I never wanted to feel like I needed someone to help me through life. Do I love companionship and having someone there, of course. I love the idea of sharing my life with someone, married or not. However, right now I'm having to learn just the opposite. I thought I was starting a new chapter with someone. Plans change and people do too. I can't live with the idea of not starting this chapter because I'm no longer sharing it with someone. I can't halt my life because someone halted theirs. I pray every single day for the right decisions. Right now I'm hating the answers, I really am. However, I know that I need to figure this journey out by myself. I can start a chapter without the rock I so desperately loved, because that rock crumbled. Luckily for me, my God's rock will never fault me. I may not see His plans because my eyes are a little teary, but I will try living it. Every single day.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

As a nurse we have an answer to every question. If we don't, we know someone who does. There is almost always a solution to every problem. As a critical care nurse we have a lot of control. We are respected, loved and trusted by the majority of our physicians. We aren't always sticking our fingers in places they don't belong. (TMI?) We make decisions based on our own judgement that could make the slightest change. We are critical thinkers, we are doers and we are givers. Sometimes all in one day. Not all of us are lucky enough to be able to separate our lives from work. I try to fix every problem. I don't always have control, because giving it up can be relaxing at times. I'm a caregiver through and through. So, when we can't fix a problem, what in the world are we supposed to do? When our help is too much to bear, and we are no longer that shoulder to lean on, it takes you off guard. Stepping away from the problems just isn't what we are taught. We need reasons, and most importantly we need the answers. We need the whys and the what happens and when did that start? But our loved ones aren't our patients. They hate nursing just as much as the next person. We aren't fixing this one and prying is only making that hole bigger. Stepping away is nearly impossible. It's confusing to say the least and trying to find a new normal away from it all is defeating. Sometimes life throws you a curveball so far out of left field that leaves you stunned. I was never a good hitter. My Dad always said I took my eyes off the ball and dropped my shoulders. Maybe I dropped the ball on this one too. See, earlier I said we ALMOST always could find the solution to every problem. The scariest thing in the world is when they tell you there's no answer, because that just mean it's the end. That's a scary normal that I wasn't ready to face, but we don't make our plans. We pray that whatever happens is the best and we take the paths that are chosen for us. The greatest physician of them all always has the answers. He never let's us stray too far and reminds us daily that everything will be just fine.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

It's so easy to knock people when they're down. We kick them while it hurts, and all too often we just aren't aware of their inner battles. I'm sure I've written about this before. But it's a new day, a new time and I'm just not sure my role in any of it. Like I said, it is easy to complain or nag but it's not for us to judge. We are here to love and encourage. Maybe even steer a little, whatever the case may be. Everyone has made mistakes & everyone has their moments when they're stuck. I've been stuck many of times. I've blogged about the majority of them. Nursing school, moving, relationships, friendships, everything. Then once in a blue moon we are on the other side of that rut. How we handle these things isn't how everyone else handles things, what we do just isn't made for anyone. I'm a crier. Sometimes retail therapy works, writing, and lots of alone time does the trick. Some things we will never rid ourselves of because of our decisions. Those consequences, well they like to follow us around. It's how we deal with them that makes us the people we become. This time it's not about me. Loving the brokenhearted isn't easy, but in the end it's the best option we have. They may push and they may pull but I think that's when they need us more than ever. We might not have the right words to say or ideas to help them heal, but we have love. We know we can pull them in tight, literally or figuratively, and we can pray that whatever happens will be the best for them. We can love them wholeheartedly. We can expect nothing in return, only that their heart is healed. Sometimes I can be a bit selfish, but this isn't about my needs or my wants. It's about those we love the most.

Monday, March 17, 2014

We celebrated this handsome fella's THIRD birthday. Batman, of course.

SISTERS.

My favorite family of FIVE. All Batman-ed out.

RA only smiled once it was presents time. She was the designated present holder.

Not everyone wanted to be in the spotlight.

And this one only stood still at the very end.

And a late night dinner and drinks with a best friend. She should stay here for forever.

Then one little inspector can put a big fat detour on the cutest little house around and halt ALL plans of moving. Whatever will happen will happen. Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend. HAPPY MONDAY.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

New Years in Atlanta came and went. Girls days are always grand, and all of Mrs. Meghan's parties were so much fun. Nashville for the bachelorette party was a BLAST, and celebrating my twenty seventh
birthday more than once made me realize just how lucky I am. A quick trip up north for my boyfriend's birthday, with a pit stop in Chicago (thanks fog) was just what we needed. I've celebrated a great friend's second child, and a childhood friend's beautiful wedding. Then we topped it off with the wedding of the year and things are only looking up. 2014 might just be the best year of them all...

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

If all goes as planned, I will be closing on my very own home the end of April. While I am so excited, and terribly anxious, I am definitely looking forward to decorating and making this place home for good.

Of course, I've been pinning away and have so many ideas thanks to Pinterest!

Monday, March 10, 2014

My best friend is leaving me. Really, he is just moving a few states to the west but it feels like they're moving across the world. In 2 short weeks, they're packing up and starting a brand new journey as husband and wife, not in Alabama. Most of it hasn't sunk in. We aren't in denial, we just aren't wishing our days away. See, both the bride and groom are super close with their families. That groom is my brother & we talk daily. All of us are annoyingly close. Most just don't understand. We talk to our parents daily & siblings constantly. It's just who we are. Bride and groom alike. To say they'll be missed is an understatement. To say I haven't shed many tears would be a lie. Their wedding was one for the record books. They are both loved beyond words and are two of the most gracious people you'd ever meet. They give, they listen & they love... wholeheartedly & do so with open minds and hearts, never expecting anything in return. My brother is one of my best friends. We fight, only when he uses forks on my non stick pans & we always confide in one another over life's greatest challenges. The ease of lunch & dinner dates will now be FaceTime & texts dates but I know their move is one of the greatest & happiest decisions they've made thus far. My going to be missing them is purely selfishness, because deep down we all couldn't be happier for their new journey. God is leading them on a brand new adventure that few ever try. They are starting their future on a clean slate in a brand new city paving their own path. So, while my tears might be of sadness, my heart couldn't be happier for my new sister in law and brother. Their future is looking brighter than ever.