I have stopped asking people what they think the outcome will be, and other than you guys on this forum, no one even knows about my interest in LOA.

I am ok with keeping things to myself. my self esteem has been so low, that I look for external validation. Im thinking if I were a stronger person, I wouldnt need it. and its not just with the question 'do you think he is going to come back," for example, i got upset at my closest friends. bc i didnt feel as though they gave me what I needed during the first harshest weeks after the break up.

I was looking for "you are smart and beautiful, you didnt do anything to harm him, on the contrary from what we saw you were a heck of a good gf. and if he doesnt want to be with you, its his biggest loss"

had I been more of a confident person, I wouldnt be sooo hungry for these statements to come out of someone else's mouth. id be damn sure of it myself.

i just dont know how to change that about myself. maybe its actually not as hard as i make it seem to be, but I just do not know where to start.

also, i get so easily stressed over everything. like my future, what it holds for me. my studies.

my intention in writing that post, was to vent. and get it out. today had been my lowest day in a couple of weeks. not necessarily to start yet another discussion as to why my ex left. it almost doesnt matter anymore the reason. i just felt very lonely today, more than other days, and some of the most negative thoughts i have had came back.

but that trick about writing it down on a paper seems good i will try it too. i did start a gratitude journal as well, it kinda helped. i included things that were on my wish list, as well i added a list of things i was sorry for. i do still have this feeling inside that i always doing something wrong. whether its with applying the LOA into my life, or with studies wtv.

been a while since my last post. the last post of mine had such positive vibes, as I read it today. but it seems that its all changed, yet again. I am stressed because of my studies, constantly scared of failure. and just sad about my old relationship again.

I still do not understand why he wouldnt want me when I did nothing wrong. (ok, im not saying I didnt have insecurities, which affected the relationship)I really do not know how to stop being so hard of myself. which I amand its getting me to be really tired and exhausted. these past few months have been the hardest. i am unable to control my emotions at all. I wish things could be easier and good for a change.

thank you very much. i have been feeling a lot better since I came to this conclusion.

I sometimes think I have to act and do something. like reassure him not to have any fears about us, that I absolute do want to move to his city. since the last one, I never really made it clear, and it was obvious it bothered him. i should have communicated better. i assumed...

but i feel like it would have no effect at this point. and I actually want him to come back to me. since I tried going to him, and I got rejected. (it was a while ago)

so the thought i had written above is really helping me. the fear has diminished quite a bit too. just gotta work at not having any fear at all.

Ive also changed my mindset a little. I have decided to stop punishing myself. because truth is, I have a lot to offer, I am a good person, and I didnt do anything to deserve this. I was not a bad gf. the only way I played a role in this end was my own insecurities. but as a person and gf I am not shy to say I think i was a good one.

I deserve to be loved, to have a strong connection like that with someone.

if he is man enough he will figure it out. he will realize that we had a very healthy relationship. my heart tells me it might be a phase, or a shift caused by fear on his part. fact is, there is nothing I can do about it. he has to go through it on his own...

Im tired of feeling like I was the one not good enough for him. because that is so not true. if it were the case, it would have been apparent way before, and he would not have made so many commitments to me.

what do you guys think? somehow this is giving me a little peace. but that doesnt mean I dont want to have a loving relationship with him.

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