Wednesday, September 5, 2012

The One Where I Tell You About Catman And My Broken Little Heart.

The first two were just so detailed. Details no one else cares about. Details I sort of don't even care about at this point.

So I am starting fresh. On every front.

I dated a man who loves his cat. {First red flag.}

And who after just a few weeks, went nearly a week without speaking to me or noticing said lack-o-communication. {Second red flag.}

We had lots of really good times together. And lots of really frustrating times together. But we never fought. Because neither of us are fighters. And because there was never an issue. But at the same time, there were lots of issues.

He changed. The man he presented himself to be on date #2 was not the man he proved to be by date #12.

I had to practically beg him to be nice to me. Beg him to get together. Beg him to talk to me. Beg him to hold my hand. {Red flags all up and down the east coast.}

It was humiliating at times.

And there were at least three dates that I left my house thinking I would be back in 30 mins after we broke up. I was over the frustration.

But then things would be good. And I would convince myself I was being too picky. Or thinking too much. Or being too critical.

And those dates ended up being great.

The cycle would continue, though. And eventually get worse.

We had several very good, honest talks about the situation over the last few months.

What kills me is that he knows first hand how I feel. He's had someone treat him in this precise manner. And he's expressed this to me many times (He looooooves to talk about his ex's! Which makes me cringe to realize that I will now be included in that list for the next girl he dates.). He's been on my side of the coin before and hated it. He was incredibly hurt.

But despite saying he would work on things, despite me compromising my comfort level waaaaay too much for the sake of trying, and despite me being patient, things only got worse.

His parting words to me were just so incredible cruel. And I will never understand the great big why.

Why me? Why was I the chosen one for this little play of revenge? Was this some sort of subconscious way of getting back at the ex? Did it make him feel better to hurt someone as he was once so badly hurt? Are the two unrelated? Is anything in life really unrelated? Am I not pretty? He did like to go on and on about how beautiful the ex was. Should that have been a sign? Am I crazy? I sure feel effin' crazy!

I wasted my entire bloody summer for a guy who can't even be polite to me!

What the heck did I let myself become? I am NEVER that girl. Never ever. And sure enough, I looked in the mirror, and there she was. A pathetic girl who had to beg her boyfriend to treat her with common courtesy.

Vomit.

Even though I could not stay in that relationship one more minute, it still hurts a lot. I cared for him so much and put a lot of effort into the relationship. I can honestly say I tried everything I could think of to work this out. And it's not often in life we can truly mean it when we say bold statements like that. To have it end this way though, was crushing.

Reality bites.

Catman is not a bad guy. He's a really good guy, actually. And I don't think (don't want to think?) that he did any of this intentionally. Though I can pin point a specific moment when I do think he realized what he was doing. I doubt he made any sort of connection- and even today if he read this he would tell me his favorite line of "you're reading too much into things." But I know there was a pointed moment when he had a quiet Oprah Ah-ha regarding how the ex treated him and how he was treating me.

I sincerely wish CM joy in his life. Honestly. I have zero ill will towards him. I hope the hurt wears off and we find ourselves as friends in the not so distant future. We're bound to run into each other. That's how life works.

Right now though, my heart is smushed and broken. My ego is completely bruised. And I now have to start back at square one to get to where I was before I met Catman in accepting life as a single girl in a married world.

I am so sorry..I dated a guy JUST like CM off on from the time I was 16 until 29!! I moved and met this wonderful guy one night and I realized right then and there I had to break up with him..and I felt guilty, like I was deserting him..Twisted right..well, that guy I met that night..we have been together every night since and in december we will celebrate 18 years together and 3 beautiful girls!! Cheer up my friend...

I too am so sorry that this happened to you .It was so difficult for me to read as I ached for the pain that this caused you. I am going to pray tonight for both you and MCW (cause I love her too). I am going to pray that the right person comes along for you. I do think that every person you date teaches you more about who you ought to marry. Journal about this and reflect on it so that you don't ignore those red flags the next time too.

I'm reading this a little late, but I had to comment. I know it's cliche, but it'll get better. I was never that girl either, and then all of the sudden I was. It's such a slap in the face when you realize it. But, I think it makes you stronger and more empathetic. And then, you meet someone who is everything he should be, and it's all worth it. Hugs -- hang in there!