5 weeks ago today

5 weeks ago today my girlfriend took her own life. It has undoubtedly been the longest 5 weeks of my life. Everyday I stil ask myself if this is real. She is the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. I see her everywhere. From every inch and corner from the home we shared, looking into the eyes of the puppy we had just began to raise, and her smell still lingering in our home.

I dont know what to do. How to get past this. I have friends all around that will listen and try to comfort me but it only eases the pain temporarily. It always reverts back to me being alone consumed by my thoughts of her.

We were together only a year and a half but it seems like so much longer. But now it seems as if it was in a lifetime long ago.

After a few weeks of dating I knew she was different. In some amazing ways and in someways I couldnt understand. I fell for her and I fell hard. I have been in relationships before but this was different. She made me feel alive. Every moment of everyday I felt rejuvenated. It was weird. No one ever captivated me the way she did. I would leave briefly to go bring us take out, be gone just 20 minutes and find my self racing home to see her like it had been weeks.

There were signs right off the bat when we first met. I soon learned of her battle with depression. Her past suicide attempts. And an obvious personality disorder. I tried to understand it but I never really did. She was so beautiful. The most beautiful thing in the world. Intelligent. Charming. Charasmatic. Yet she felt all alone. She really believed she was damaged and that nobody loved her. I tried everything and anything I could to show her. But I could never fully break through.

My friends all tell me that i did all I could...therapy, medicine, patience, understanding and especially forgiveness...yet I fell so much guilt inside. Everytime she had attempted to "hurt" herself in the past, she had done so in a matter where somone was around to rescue her. This time was different. Alone. A note left behind. And no possibility to be saved.

Being with her family and putting many pieces together of a puzzle since her death, I feel sadly as if I understand her and her pain better now then when she was alive.

I have never ever been in that dark a place to contemplate suicide. Recently when I have been all alone, it has entered my mind. I have thought that if I knew ending my life right now would bring me to where she was and we could be eternally happy together, I would not be here. I know I sound crazy and irrational. But it is the truth.

Everyday is a battle. I keep waiting for the next day to be better than the last. But it isnt. I still havent accepted that I will never see her beautiful smile, touch her soft skin, and fall asleep to her beautiful smell. I still look at my phone a few times a day still hoping I will get a text from her. That this was all a dream. A sick joke. A hoax.

I have never lost anyone close to me except two elderly grandparents. This is hell. Pure hell. I cant imagine anything in my life ever being as devastating as this. I am in the darkest place right now.

I find alot of my anger directed at God now. I ask why??? What was the point? She had been used and abused all her life. She was a product of an environment that she had no control of. She had just turned 26.

I am so sorry for your lose. I don't have any advise but I wanted to let you know I understand and am here if you want to talk. I lost my mum to suicide almost two years ago so I know the pain curiosity and confusition that comes with it. I have also been suicidal myself. Remember it wasn't you're fault or any other one persons fault. It sounds like you were good to her and made her last year better than it would have been without you there for her.