Send me back to D.C. for economic fix

Monday, October 06, 2008

JEFF KRAMER

CONTRIBUTING COLUMNIST

Are you ready for some straight talk?

Even I didn't know the stock market would respond so
favorably to the suspension of my humor column. Taking a
page out of Sen. John McCain's presidential campaign, I
shut down my operation last week (or at least faked it) and
rushed to our nation's capital to broker a solution to
the financial crisis.

I only wish I'd panicked sooner or taken a plane
instead of Amtrak.

The positive impact of my brief visit speaks for itself:

1) This past Monday, as my train raced toward Washington,
D.C., at an average speed of 37 mph, the market tanked 777
points.

2) The next day, as I circulated through the District
restoring calm, the market rebounded almost 500 points.

3) By Thursday, I was back in Syracuse, and guess what? The
market skidded nearly 350 points.

The lesson is clear, Mr. and Mrs. Joe Six Pack. (Wink,
wink, nose wiggle.) The only short-term financial rescue
package America needs is a taxpayer-financed $2.5 million
D.C. townhouse for my personal use. That way, each time I
travel to Washington to ward off global economic collapse, I
won't have to impose on my friends for a place to stay.

They were wonderful hosts, mind you, but you know how it is
with houseguests. It's like bringing a Wegmans pizza
into your home. It seems like a good idea at first, but
after a couple of days the mere sight of it makes you
queasy, and you just want it gone.

Incidentally, anyone who believes that grocery-store-made pizza has to be gross hasn't had one from Harris Teeter, that other upscale supermarket chain down south. If Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson had put as much care into his financial bail-out plan as Harris Teeter puts in its Hawaiian pizza, all of us would be buying new Hummers and running up even more credit card debt, which is how America is supposed to work. My emergency D.C. trip would not have been necessary....