"Zodiac Zingers" - Is your week full of wonk or woo? The only way to find out is tune into some wayward words of advice from a pair of saucy star-gazers.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

ZODIAC ZONKERS - The Zinger* Edition

*A Folly Forecast for the Zippidy-Doo-Dah-InclinedFor the week of Monday, August 30, 2004

Daphne Druthers (author and co-founder of the Astroblast Friends Network) shares her zodiac zinging insights to make your wicked wench week truly dysFUNctional! Advice given in this column should be taken with a grain of salt and a pina colada!!

CAPRICORN (22 December – 19 January)
This is the “Year of the Monkey” in Chinese astrology. So, the best thing to do is chuck your low-carb diet and get used to eating lots of bananas. Just for fun, you little Seagoat, try wiggling your tail instead of flapping your gums so much! Or, take up yoga and learn how to hang upside down. Admit it, the world looks a tad more interesting that way!

AQUARIUS (20 January – 18 February)
In this “Year of the Monkey”, you’re going to enjoy meeting other mental oddities of the universe just like you. Uranus is in Pisces and that means you’re in for a bumpy ride to the Land of Godzilla. Wear violet and black so you can blend in with all the other monkeys, dodo birds and dingbats there! So, what part of fun don’t you understand?

PISCES (19 February – 20 March)
Fishy folk like you, who can’t make up their minds which stream of consciousness to paddle about in, deserve a rest. It’s time to haul out your old vinyl records of “The Monkeys”, listen to the beat, and dance naked in front of a mirror. Make sure it’s a pocket-sized one! After all, you don’t want anyone to see your little love handles do you?

ARIES (21 March – 19 April)
Listen up! Ram-a-dam-a-ding-dongs like you had their best chance to succeed last year. So, quit complaining that the cards are stacked against you winning the American Idol Contest. Your voice sucks; you won’t wear a tattoo, and are careless with the details like sticking out your tongue at the judges. So, get real and wear a frigging pink monkey suit!

TAURUS (20 April – 20 May)
This year will be a little perplexing for fixed creatures like you. Did anyone ever tell you that you’re a bit self-indulgent, materialistic, slow moving, obstinate, boring, easily embarrassed, and spend far too much time pondering over nothing? With all that going for you, spending more time with monkeys will be a welcome relief, you lucky nipper!

GEMINI (21 May – 20 June)
So how can the blabbermouths of the zodiac cash in on this year? Well, drop your loose change into a slot machine and watch for three monkeys in a row to show up. If you run out of money waiting for them, don’t kick the machine unless of course you want an unpleasant visit from the Glitch Gargoyle. The good news is monkeys think you’re cute!

CANCER (21 June – 22 July)Crabs and monkeys don’t really have a strong affinity for one another. But strange things happen during the transit of Uranus in Pisces. Call your phone company, they love hearing from off-the-wall creatures like you. Tell them you want a starring role in one of their TV promos. Quite frankly, it’s about time for water signs like you to get a break!!

LEO (23 July – 22 August)Okay we all know that you’re a generous, fun-loving Queen of the Castle. But this year, you’re going to have to share your throne with the Mischievous Monkey. The good news is that you’ll receive lots of stroking throughout the year. The bad news is that the monkey put a hex on your head. So, make the most of your silly green and purple mop!

VIRGO (23 August – 22 September)
The “Year of the Monkey” is your opportunity to shine. Mercury rules your sign, that’s why you’re so nervous, cranky, eccentric, untidy, dogmatic, prudish, undemonstrative, overly demanding, not to mention scathingly critical of the lazy. Gosh golly, with all those terrific features, a little monkey business seems to be right up your alley doesn’t it?

LIBRA (23 September – 22 October)
Hi there, harmony-seeking “air head” wunderkind of the cosmos! This year you can descend from the clouds you’ve been living in and be a chimpanzee for a change. Time to drop the narcissistic, lazy, sulky, fearful, indecisive, manipulative, overbearing and flirtatious cover you’ve been wearing! Grab your whoopee cushion and have a blast!!

SCORPIO (23 October – 21 November)
What does a scorpion say to a monkey when they meet? “Get out of my way before I zap you with my zinger you pesky thing!” How does the monkey respond? “Get out of my way or I’ll drop a coconut on you, pathetic invertebrate!” Yup, that about sums up their dysfunctional state of affairs. Maybe Cupid will have better luck on Valentine’s Day!

SAGITTARIUS (22 November – 21 December)
The mutable Archeresses have a knack of transforming negative situations with their eternally optimistic spirit. This year, they’re going to need all the uplifting, positive thoughts they can get, because the Monkey’s back in town. Do you have lots of arrows in your quiver, and know a little rubber dart throwing ‘cause it’s going to be oodles of fun!

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