TM – Didn’t I tell you to polish my armor? I have a 4:30 appointment in Tours defeating Islamic extremists and I want to look my best.

JEB! – I’ve been working as fast as I can but I’m not finished yet.

TM – Oh never mind. You’re too low energy for that. Go and take a nap. That way no actual fighters will end up tripping over your gutted corpse.

JEB! – Thank you sire.

TM – Alright Michel Pencius, assemble my fans, I mean my troops, over there and I’ll address them from this big rock over here.

Michel Pencius (MP) – Yes my lord Trump.

TM – Gather round men. I have a lot to say and not much time to say it in. In a few hours about sixty thousand Islamic extremists are gonna come pouring over those hills and unless we put a whole world of hurt on them you are all gonna be eating shish kebab from now on. That’s right. No more croissants, no more white sauce and definitely no more wine. So definitely put on your big boy breeches and don’t stop until the fat lady sings. And by the way that fat lady is Hilarius Cintoninus. She is a hideous banshee that has lead the Arabs through the Pyrenees and promised them my head if they attacked Tours today.

Now maybe you’re thinking we can’t beat sixty thousand arabs. Maybe you think the odds are too high. Well just relax. The don’t call me Trump Martel, Trump the Hammer because of anatomical reasons, although if you notice my fingers are plenty big, nothing wrong in that department, everything very, very, good and big. They call me the hammer because I will hammer those buggers right into the ground. After this battle, we will be the most powerful force in Europe and we will go on to lay the foundations for the Holy Roman Trumpire which my grandson Trumplemagne will build. And when I say he will build it I’m not kidding. It will be one big beautiful and long-lasting Trumpire. But anyway, if you follow me into battle we will win and keep on winning. We’ll win so much you may get tired of winning. You may say, “Enough, it’s too much winning!”

And in conclusion, every man that follows me today will get ten royal arpents of land around Paris and a dozen sheep. Or if you prefer there is a special package of Trump cufflinks and steak knives available at Le Macy’s down at the mall. Follow me, men, into victory and glory. But don’t tailgate. I hate that.

Troops – Le Trump, Le Trump, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.

TM – Yes, you love me. Of course, you do. How could you not? I am the greatest Frank of all time. Even greater than Sinatra, who was very great.

Trumpxander the Great (TTG) – Aristotle, Ari, hey Ari! Where the Hades are you?

Aristotle the Wise (ATW) – Right here your majesty.

TTG – Never mind that your majesty stuff. Remember I’m the Son of Zeus-Ammon.

ATW – Yes, Your Divinity.

TTG – That’s better. Look Ari, I’m getting ready for the spring campaign against Darius and I need to give my troops a pep talk. What kind of speech can you lay on me that will impress these spear carriers?

ATW – Well, Your Divinity, you can use either the dialectic logic or the rhetorical logic.

TTG – I remember Vox saying I should stick with rhetoric since that’s what’s brought me to this rodeo. What have you got on that side?

ATW – I remember Demosthenes had a nice little riff in his speech “On the Crown,” that really caught my attention.

TTG – Demosthenes? That guy was a total snooze. So low energy you couldn’t tell the difference between before and after I had him put to death.

ATW – Perhaps you can elaborate on what type of rhetorical effect you are interested in O Son of Zeus-Ammon.

TTG – Well I’m gonna tell my army that we’re gonna fight our way across Asia until we reach India and we’re gonna be gone for years. I need something that will get these guys jacked.

ATW – Perhaps an appeal to their Macedonian pride.

TTG – Ah forget it, I’ll bribe ‘em.

Scene 2 – At the harbor of Corinth. One month later (Thursday)

TTG – Macedonians, brave soldiers, my people. I stand before you ready to lead you to the greatest victory of all time. We have conquered Thracians and Athenians, Spartans and Thebans, Corinthians and Euboans, Mytileneans and Egyptians, Libyans and Cyreneans, Armenians and Thessalians, Lydians and Cilicians, Cretans and Lesbians, Cyprians and Lycians, Rhodians and Phoenicians and blah, blah, blah. Oh Hades, we have basically kicked the whole world’s butt. We’ve been winning so much that just the other day my generals said, “Son of Zeus-Ammon it’s too much winning!” I mean it, they really said it. And now we’ll kick the Persians butts and be done with it.

Some people will tell you (mostly the Persians) that the Persians are unbeatable, that the 10,000 Immortals are, well immortal. I’m here to tell you that’s b.s. Remember the Athenians beat them a hundred years ago and they’ve been low energy ever since.

And remember you have me Trumpxander the Son of Zeus-Ammon a demigod, the greatest general of all time, the greatest statesman of all time, the greatest man of all time and the founder of Trumpxandria the greatest city in the world with it’s incredible library. This library is so great that you have to be approved by me to get a library card. You can borrow not only scrolls but also pop-up picture scrolls. You know the ones that kids really like. And we have the most of any library. Way more than Athens, way more than Pergamon and way more than Rome which isn’t even a thing yet.

And as if that isn’t enough remember that I have promised that every man that who follows me to the Indus River is going to get his own autographed Trumpxander gold-plated loin cloth complete with laundering instructions. It’s highest quality and looks like it was a genuine Athenian gold loin cloth, almost. Plus, if you want to I’ll allow you to settle in Persia and marry a Persian wife like my wife Melania, uh I mean Roxanne, and believe me these Persian women are smoking hot like you wouldn’t believe. Well, all except for that hideous old fat Clintoninus that Darius found in some house of ill repute in Persepolis. But the rest of them are fine.

And finally, any man who distinguishes himself by bravery in battle will be given 500 gold darics and will become part of the Trumpxander body guard and hang out with me the demigod and ride around in my stretch chariot.

TTG – Now listen, Ptolemy, Seleucus and Antipater. Since you’re my greatest generals, I’ll give you the straight dope because I’ll need you to swing this thing. We’re gonna conquer the Persian Empire and spread Greek civilization and science to the four corners of the earth. Darius has taken on an extremely old, fat and ugly concubine called Clintoninus who has bewitched him with dreams of forming a global society based on the doctrines of Sappho of Lesbos which involve women dyeing their hair blue, refusing sex with men and raising cats. Once we kill Darius and Clintoninus I will apparently go insane, march our men to the ends of the earth and drink myself to death in Babylon. Afterwards you three will divide my empire in three and devote your descendants to battling each other into a gradually debilitating stalemate for three hundred years while the Romans and Parthians have a chance to catch up to you. Is that clear?

Ptolemy the Great (PTG) – But Great Trumpxander, Son of Zeus-Ammon, you cannot die. You are a god.

TTG – Yeah, well it sucks being me. But listen when I die you bring my body back to Alexandria, uhhhh I mean Trumpxandria, preserved in honey and put me in a crystal sarcophagus as a wonder of the world. But whatever you do make sure my hair is carefully arranged. It’s my best feature you know.

PTG – Yes Great Trumpxander, it will be as you command.

(All three generals) – Yes great Trumpxander, Son of Zeus-Ammon.

TTG – Alright, now get out of here and let me rest for Zeus-Ammon’s sake. I’ve got a big day tomorrow. I’m conquering the world.

Vice President Pence (VPP) – Mr. President, thank you for keeping this a secret and I apologize for the late hour.

President Trump (PT) – Mike, what the hell is going on here? I was in the middle of a very important tweet. I superimposed Jim Acosta’s head on a walrus and he was looking really stupid.

VPP – Sorry Mr. President. I’m sure that was really important but this is critical.

PT – Alright, now that I’m here, what gives?

VPP – In this top-secret military lab our top men have been perfecting a practical method for time travel.

PT – Hey that’s great Mike. Now I can go back in time and make bets on sports games and get rich like Biff did in Back to the Future Part 2.

VPP – Actually Sir, going back in time and changing it is a very dangerous thing to do. And it’s one of the reasons I called you here.

PT – I don’t get it. I haven’t even done anything yet. Why are you already giving me grief about it?

VPP – Actually it’s Hillary Clinton that’s the problem here.

PT – What does Crooked Hillary have to do with my time machine.

VPP – Your time machine? Oh, never mind. Let me explain. Secretary Clinton found out about the project from Obama back when he was pillaging the United States of America. After your election victory she has been looking for some way to thwart the election results and she selected the time machine as the last resort. She plans to go back in time and change history in some way that will allow her to become the president. In fact, she has already used the machine.

PT – Doesn’t this old hag ever quit? So how do we stop her?

VPP – Mr. President, if you’ve read Heinlein’s “All You Zombies” or watched “Back to the Future” you know that tampering with the past can be catastrophic.

PT – Yeah, yeah. Like when Michael J. Fox starts disappearing from the polaroid photo of his family. Which if you think about it doesn’t really make any sense. Boy, that Spielberg really was a slacker. So, I’m in danger of ceasing to exist.

VPP – Precisely. We think Hillary will attempt to prevent you from being born by interfering in your parents’ lives. In fact, we think she’s already succeeded.

PT – Well, then why am I still here?

VPP – Because this lab has an inertial time field associated with it that delays changes to the temporal fabric of the universe within a range of 5 miles and for a period of about two weeks.

PT – Good thing for me.

VPP – Ain’t it the truth.

PT – Okay, get me the DeLaurean or put me in the machine and send me back. Will I be naked like the Terminator?

VPP – No Mr. President.

PT – Good. Because despite his terrible work on The Apprentice, Schwarzenegger definitely looks better naked than I do at the moment. I really have to lay off the pasta.

VPP – Mr. President we don’t have much time. We’ve got to set up the machine and plan out the mission. Hillary is wearing a controller that looks like a lady’s Rolex that allows her to move forward and back in time to whatever point in history she wants. We will provide you with an equivalent controller in a men’s Rolex.

PT – I’d prefer a Trump Chronichron. It looks like a Rolex but can be purchased at Macy’s for only $450. It’s quite a deal.

VPP – I’m sorry Mr. President, there’s no time.

PT – That statement seems ironic under these circumstances.

VPP – I am aware. Now in addition to allowing the wearer to time travel the watch allows us to keep track of the traveler. For instance, we know that Hillary is currently in 5th Century B.C. Athens. We will send you there first. Your mission is to thwart any actions by Hillary and protect the outline of Western Civilization throughout our timeline. Do you have any questions?

PT – Yes, can I bring guns?

VPP – No Mr. President, that would be extremely damaging to the thread of history.

PT – I figured you’d say that. You know Mike, you really should learn how to live a little.

VPP – Sure.

PT – Alright, I’m ready. Let her rip.

VPP – God speed Mr. President. We’re all rooting for you. None of us want Hillary for a boss. She’s a lousy bitch.

Epilogue:

As you know if you’ve read “The Funeral Oration of Trumpicles” Donald was successful in defeating Hillary (or as she was called back then Clintoninus). Stay tuned for the further adventures of Time-Traveler-Trump as he does battle in the day before yesterday to save tomorrow!

President Trump (PT) – Schmoopy! Schmoopy! Where are you Schmoopy I need to talk to you.

Melania Trump (MT) – Schmoopy, calm down, I’m right here!

PT – Schmoopy, I need your help.

MT – Of course you do Schmoopy. What do you want.

PT – The Republicans in Congress are complete tools and can’t get out of their own way. I need someone persuasive to get my agenda done for me. I want you to convince the Democrats to sign off on my agenda.

MT – How can I do that? I am not the ambassador. I am the First Lady. My job is to smile and be friendly to the ugly people you have to work with. How can I make them do the things you want them to do?

PT – Because you are a hot babe and these congressmen are geeks. If you smile at them they would walk through fire for you. They are total losers. And don’t call them ugly it hurts their feelings, I think.

MT – Is this the true thing?

PT – It is the true thing.

MT – Okay what do you want from these congress geeks?

PT – I want them to approve the Trump Care Bill.

MT – If I do this then you will stop crying like the baby?

PT – I don’t cry like a baby. I’m just tired of all the jerks who don’t listen to me. Well, while you’re there can you also get them to approve Justice Gorsuch for the Supreme Court?

MT – Okay. Anything else?

PT – Uhhh… Can you get them to approve the new budget?

MT – Okay. Schmoopy, let us cut to the chasing and get from you the whole list? I am the busy woman.

PT – Sure, sure Schmoopy, I’ll have Ryan or Pence or one of those other wonks put something together right away. Basically, it’s called “The First One Hundred Day Plan. It’s the secret of every successful presidency. All the important things get done in the first 100 days. After that it’s just coasting. If you get all this stuff done now, I can go on vacation for the next three and a half years.

MT – Oh Schmoopy that would be so nice I could spend the time redecorating the White House. That picture of Hillary is frightening Barron. I will replace it with the Where’s Waldo picture he likes.

Are you sure you can get all this done? We only have another few weeks left.

MT – Weeks? Oh Schmoopy, I was planning on getting it done this afternoon. I have a quick trip to Queens this morning. I need to pick up those lamb chops you like at the butcher’s and I need to meet Ivanka at Trump Tower to get our nails done, but then I will go to the Congress and tell them to do this list. I will meet you tonight for the lambs chops and rice for supper.

PT – Schmoopy, that would be great. But be careful, the Congress is full of skunks. They’re mostly jerks.

(Later that day in the House of Representatives)

MT – Attention congress guys. I am your First Lady and I must speak with all of you. Please pay attention because this is very important and I have not much time. I must get that Where’s Waldo picture up before Barron gets home. The Hillary picture is very scary. I have a list of things that you must do for Schmoopy, I mean Mr. President, your boss. Mr. President has told me that you do not want to do these things and you cannot be fired right away. But that does not mean that you will not suffer. Mr. President is very loud and he will yell at you and he will do the tweet and you will be very sad. And it is good that you do as he says. He is very smart and has the billions which make him even smarter and more handsome. And you want to do what I say because I am very pretty and you all are very homely. I say homely and not ugly because that would make you feel bad. And if you listen to me you will be happy and not sad like when you listen to the Pelosi who is very scary and has the bulgey eyes that look like popping out. She is very old and wrinkly and sounds like a crow and I think she might be crazy because she thinks Schmoopy’s name is Bush, the brother of low energy Jeb. Also, if you do these things for Mr. President he will like you and give you the cuff links and the autographed deal art book which is very smart because he wrote it. And even more important, you will keep your jobs and not go to jail. Mr. President says you are all crooks and he wants to fire you and jail you and yell at you. So, don’t say no but say yes instead and be happy and not sad.

And you congress girls I want you to listen too. Do what I say and I will tell you the name of the girl who does my nails in Trump Tower. And when you look a little better Mr. President will invite you and the homely men to the barbecue at the White House. Then you will wear the push-up bra and look less homely and you can try to get the homely congress guys to marry you and let you quit the congress and stay home with the babies. That way you won’t end up like the Pelosi who looks like the crazy witch or Hillary who was lost in the woods or Rosie who even scares the lesbians a little bit. Now get to work and I will wait another fifteen minutes and you will be done and then I will go home to Schmoopy and tell him not to fire you all later with the electing.

(An hour later back at the West Wing)

MT – Hello Schmoopy I am back.

PT – Schmoopy you did it!

MT – Yes, the list is done. Except the lamb chops were not fresh enough so I got veal.

Donald Trump (DT): Pence! Where the hell have you gone now! Will you get in here? I need your so-called opinion.

Mike Pence (MP): I’m right here Mr. Trump. I was just on the phone with George Stephanopoulos. He wanted to know if you were sorry for your history of hate speech against a metabolically challenged member of the LGBTQ community.

DT: What? Who the hell is he talking about?

MP: I think he was talking about Rosie O’Donnell.

DT: You can tell that muppet troll of a fake journalist that he can kiss my ass. Now come on. We have work to do.

MP: How can I help?

DT: I don’t like these picks we’re getting for the Cabinet. These guys are all old and boring. I mean Romney? We need someone tough and smart.

MP: Well, sir, what qualification would you rate as most important; confirmability, expertise, loyalty?

DT: Balls.

MP: Excuse me?

DT: I want somebody who’s not afraid to tell the Press or Congress or the Europeans to pound sand when they start whining.

MP: Mr. Trump, I don’t think you understand the art of compromise.

DT: I don’t do compromise. I fight. I get what I want by knowing what the other guy will and won’t do. That’s the kind of men I want working for me.

MP: Could you give me some examples of this type of man?

DT: Of course. The history books are full of them. Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan, Vlad the Impaler, Alexander the Great, Napoleon. All my heroes.

MP: Sir, those are brutal conquerors. They hardly reflect the American spirit.

DT: Fine. How about George Washington, Andrew Jackson, Abraham Lincoln, George E. Patton, Robert E. Lee? They were Americans, weren’t they?

MP: Yes, but those are wartime leaders. We’re at peace.

DT: Bull! We’ve been at war in this country for over a hundred years with the communists. I need men who know how to fight.

MP: Nevertheless, I don’t think men of that caliber exist today. Where could you find them?

DT: Pence, did your mother ever give birth to any children that lived? The military of course. All those high-ranking officers that Obama fired for not kowtowing to the LGBTQ mafia. They’ll be perfect.

MP: Mr. Trump, that’s brilliant! I’ll get right on it.

DT: Ding, ding, ding. Finally, you hear. Hey, do me a favor. See what you can do about returning the name to War Department. I think that kind of rebranding will attract the right kind of recruit.

MP: Yes, sir.

DT: And find out if I can transfer the Corporation for Public Broadcasting into the Army. I have this idea about having Big Bird court-martialed and hanged for treason.