Friday, November 16, 2012

As I write these words Palestinians are blowing the beAllah out of Israelis, who are in return blowing the beAdonai out of Palestinians. My Curate, Evangelical Eric, holds Obama responsible, and insists the President could fix everything by blowing the beJesus out of Iran. Although since my Curate also blames Obama for the infected hair follicle preventing him from crossing his legs without wincing it’s understandable the White House hasn’t been responding to the boy’s unsolicited letters of advice. Meanwhile My Biblically Traditional Brethren everywhere remain paralysed with grief over last week’s electoral tragedy, leaving me to boldly carve a way forward alone through these terrible days.

Indeed, at times like these even the most god-forsaken Liberal is forced to admit that a Teacher of My Calibre is more than just a pretty face draped in man-lace every Sunday. That’s because the situation we now face is one of fact - the dreadful reality that the Sacred Principle of democracy has been forever perverted by the election of a candidate not approved of by White Conservative Men. In response only those who embrace facts like Jonah’s survival for three days in a fish's gastrointestinal tract, or that human linguistic variations result from the attempted construct of a tower in the ancient near east, can possibly have what it takes to invent the facts required to lead Sinners through the coming apocalypse of affordable healthcare and improved public education.

Hence my advice to Sinners trembling with fear of the scythe of socialism about to fall upon their unblemished necks is to not do anything foolish, such as trying to understand what socialism actually is before throwing the term around like confetti at a mafia wedding. Instead everyone should simply be quiet and listen to me. Because unlike My Imitators, not all my research involves visiting web sites asking for a valid card number, and I have discovered something Very Important of which you need to be aware. Look at this:

The table above is a list of the ten U.S. states with the highest incarceration rates in the country - imprisonment figures so impressive that these places actually lead the world when it comes to locking people up. And behold the election result - 90% of these states voted the way god told Me his people must vote!

But on the other hand, look at the result in those states failing to realize that Liberty depends upon keeping as many as possible under lock and key:

These are the states with the lowest incarceration rates per 100 000 citizens and the tragic result is undeniable - now we’re looking at 70% of votes being cast exactly as directed from the pit of hell! Godless Socialist Liberals can whine all they like about babies born in countries like Malaysia, Cuba, Lithuania, and Poland having a better chance of survival than those born in the United States, but there’s no argument about the facts - the number of people a community imprisons is directly proportional to number of votes for the freedom that lets fine American Businessmen like Bernie Madoff, or Exemplars of Family Values like Donald Trump, do what they do best!

Thanks to My Enlightened Exegetical Teaching you will now see that unless Americans immediately begin imprisoning as many of their fellow citizens as possible the Nation cannot hope to survive. My recommendation is that we begin with known Communists and trouble makers, such as those admitting to own recordings by R.E.M., or who know what Born in the U.S.A.is really about. And foreigners of course, along with everyone who doesn’t think Churches have a natural right to tax-exemption. Simply locking up these deviant members of our society will of itself ensure a electoral disaster of the kind with which Unfaithful Americans have just been chastised is never happens again. Then later on, to be certain about National Security, we can jail those elements exerting a more subtle influence for evil, such as everybody with the letter “e” in their name.

The Scriptures don’t call America “The Home of the Brave” without good reason, but we need to prove that bravery with the blood of as many young people as possible. And those whom we can’t render limbless and emotionally-cored by PTSD need to be jailed, along with anyone else daring to hope for a society not run by plutocrats. Only when chain-gangs line every roadway, and privately-owned prisons can manufacture consumer goods at a price and under conditions which make Foxconn jealous, will America truly be The Land of the Free.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

One of the most enjoyable things about being an Authentically Biblical Traditionalist is the knowledge that you stand in your conviction alongside so many truly wonderful people. Over the years I’ve introduced My Beloved Sinners to far too many to name here: certainly the lovely Davids Virtue and Ould deserve a mention, as does Colorado Springs’ (and CANA’s) epitome of integrity, Donny Armstrong, who is currently on probation and quite appropriately not feeling he owes any apology for having misappropriated close to one hundred thousand of his church’s hard-earned. Nor can I omit the nut-job on Facebook who accuses me of being anti-family, and then posts this Valentine’s Day message of marital devotion:

But it is with thanks to Republican Tears - essential reading for anyone with an inclination to sail the subtle seas of schadenfreude – that I’ve come across someone who rises above even these great names in the mighty world of Contemporary Christian Misogyny: the author of the timeless What the Right Doesn’t Get About Elections.

Be warned, however, before you rush to click that link and wallow in the trough of what you will find there: if you think folks can’t get any nastier than the fun-loving throng at Viagraville you’re in for a very big shock. In fact tis piece is so outstandingly Conservative that the response generated frightened the courageous author into removing it (hence my link is to Google’s cached version) and closing down his site, the ironically named “Christian Men’s Defense Network” (How can anyone not love the neo-nazi styling of his title font? Although why would someone wanting to style themselves as a “defender” want to align themselves with one of the most comprehensively defeated military regimes in history – one with a leader so brave that rather than face the consequences of defeat he preferred to shoot his dog and wife before turning the gun on himself? Or are the answers to such mysteries self-evident?)

And now before closing I’d like to assure everyone devastated by the success of the Liberal Plot to prevent my appointment as Archbishop of Canterbury to do their very best to keep their chins up. Many have found that sending me a large and expensive gift by way of consolation helps with their grief, and I’d encourage each one of to prayerfully consider this as a means of helping you find solace in these sad times. Meanwhile – and since this concerns a matter of a highly confidential nature I’m not at liberty to discuss it further – I have already been approached in regard to a different appointment even more suited to a Man of My Experience. And you’d better believe when I’m the one sending sexy emails from that office those responsible for overlooking My Obvious Vocation to lead the Anglican Communion will find themselves framed quicker than you can say “Rosenberg”.

Now to be fair to this young fellow, he was attending what he had doubtless expected would be the biggest party since Grover Norquist first learned how to play pup-tent with a pin-up of Ayn Rand, and things had undoubtedly turned a little tired and emotional by the time someone from all the news that’s fit to print arrived for a soundbite. Although one would think a resident of Florida would have before now met someone with a little first hand experience of life under regimes which really do think Marx’s crazy café-table jottings offer an improvement on the political structure of the nation which gave the world electric guitars, Jack Daniels, and the freedom to grow a ZZ Top beard if that’s what you’ve got your heart set on. At which point I’m sure this person would have been more than happy to explain that however much you might dislike the democratically elected President of the U.S.A., describing him as a “communist” is taking things just a tad too far.

Still, as a Romney supporter this boy is by definition also a True Christian, so he quite understandably wouldn’t have wanted engage in dialogue with someone almost certainly a foreigner lest doing so lead him into sin and away from the one who is quite obviously incapable of keeping us from falling. Quite correctly he has chosen to leave the thinking up to Infallible Bible Teachers like Myself, or, in a pinch, little Greg Griffiths when it comes to reality. Which is a Good Thing, because when it comes to identifying Communists we know everything.

In the case of little Greg – who is, I must explain, known around the intertubes by those familiar with his fine and balanced style of histrionics as “Melanie” – this is because he, by his own admission watched a few Soviet movies while he was at college. So there can be no doubting his credentials as an expert on all things to the left of Rush Limbaugh. Whereas my uncannily accurate ability to identify godless Leninist Marxists whenever they might subversively choose to participate in the electoral processes of unabashedly capitalist economies comes from personal missionary experience in these unprincipled realms of concrete and very bad dentistry.

That’s right, My Beloved Sinners: as someone who not infrequently was called by the spirit to sojourn in Berlin during the halcyon days when there were fortunes to be made selling Beatles records, bubble-gum and blue jeans to the poor unfortunates trapped on the eastern side of the wall thoughtfully erected to ensure black-market prices stayed high, I have had no small degree of personal experience with the horrors Soviet dictators are capable of inflicting. And not just in East Germany – during another sequence of visits to Moscow in the time of Brezhnev, when I was bravely pioneering the industry which was to become known today as “Russian Bride Scams” (sadly my bold Trump-like entrepreneurship failed to reap the rewards to which I was entitled on account of the internet not yet having been invented – although I can with modest pride take comfort in having generously paved the way for countless other Orthodox Christian Capitalists now getting around in expensive non-American cars) I quickly became aware of Communism’s terrible consequences. So impressive was the price which could be obtained for a few dog-eared copies of Playboy that it simply broke one’s heart to think of the way Christians at the time took the Times Square grindhouse district for granted.

All of which means that when I say Melanie isn’t exaggerating you can be sure I know what I’m talking about. And that you can be sure everything else the boy says is every bit as well thought aout and based in fact. What began as Obama’s socialist conspiracy to save American auto industry jobs from moving to Japan where they rightfully belong (has anyone ever heard of something so unpatriotic?) has progressed to a shamelessly Marxist determination to lower the nation’s infant mortality rate by ensuring affordable health care for those babies so foolish as to be born to parents unable to pay for the care to which white Christians like the those to whom Melanie’s site is directed are entitled. Mark my words, now that we can expect another four years of Obamacare I wouldn’t be surprised if America’s neo-natal death rate falls to the extent where we are no longer proudly behind such great nations as Cuba, Croatia, and Cyprus when it comes to caring for our littlest ones’ well-being. Although someone really ought to tell the folks at Viagraville that The Fountainhead is not normally considered one of the synoptic gospels.

In closing let me just invite everyone experiencing something of the rage being felt not only by Melanie and his cohorts, but also by bastions of traditional marriage like Donald Trump, and pillars of unbiased reportage like Karl Rove and Fox, to share in a little hymn folks here at St. Onuphrius’ have been singing in the wake of Obama’s tragic re-election. Listen to the words and it just might help explain what happens when minorities start working together in the way that Jesus calls them to..

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

As all of My Regular Readers will testify, I’ve always said the “church” of Mormon is a dangerous cult, and about as far removed from the faith of Orthodox Bible-Believers as it’s possible to get without donning saffron robes whilst offering prayers to the neighbor’s cow. That some foolish apostates can claim all the mumbo-jumbo about additional scriptures and magic underwear doesn’t automatically preclude Mitt Romney’s terrible sect from ever being considered as Christian just goes to show the appalling dearth of Sound Biblical Doctrine in these wicked liberal times.

Indeed, I know for a fact that some misguided teachers were in the past few days going so far as to claim a belief in Joseph Smith’s ludicrous false gospel is compatible with the Holy Thirty-nine Articles and historical creeds. Quite naturally, of course, none of that sort of nonsense was ever “taught” here, and it is with great pride that I can say with my hand on my heart that unlike certain Baptists nobody heard me turning a blind eye to the crass heterodoxy of Mormon “theology” just because like any True Conservative I wanted to save America from Obama’s diabolical communist lies. Like that the creation of all people as equal is some kind of “self evident truth”. Or, even more satanically, that life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are unalienable rights endowed to all by their Creator – when any student of the Bible knows such things must be exclusively reserved for those able to afford treatment in the most expensive health-care system in the world.

That so-called Clergy could turn a blind eye to Romney’s utterly unbiblical false gospel is in reality just further proof of something I’ve always said – people today don’t read the Bible correctly”. If they did, for example, the first time Romney had voiced his belief in the core Mormon assertion that the resurrected Jesus physically visited north-eastern America they’d have known to not pay another moment’s attention to his presidential aspirations. Even the most cursory reading of the Gospels puts paid once and for all to any possibility of such a ludicrous thing happening: how can anyone who knows the Bible even begin to imagine Jesus visiting somewhere people voted for Obama?

Similarly, I know for a fact that in the lead-up to what is unquestionably an international disaster some wolves in sheep’s clothing (undoubtedly Episcopalians) were citing Philippians 4:4 in an entirely misguided attempt to urge their congregations to rejoice in anticipation of what they believed would be an unqualified victory for the man whom I had been warning along would prove a heretical failure. This, My Beloved Sinners, is exaclty the sort heresy we can all expect when Ministers cease to obey the important principle of only ever interpreting Scripture in the light of Scripture.

Thus while it is indeed quite true St. Paul exhorted his readers to “rejoice” – an odd choice of word here on account of it’s archaic French origin, and one which Wiktionary makes quite clear carries a variety of meanings, the appropriate one of which in this context (since it’s St. Paul writing, and we know he never thought about anything other than sex) is “To have (someone) as a lover or spouse; to enjoy sexually.” (No, I really haven’t made that one up: click the link if you don’t believe me!).

As clearer and wiser Teachers of Truth like myself said throughout the lead-up to this national tragedy, and the one which you all know I stood as a fearless lone voice proclaiming, was that our prevailing emotion should be one of sorrow. John 11:35 indisputably states that “Jesus wept”, and since Christians are called to be like Jesus (except for the bits about Him speaking to women as equals, associating with sinners, poor people, unbelievers, foreigners, and other riff-raff, and standing up for someone who’s sexuality had gotten them into a whole mess of troube) there can be no doubt that those would follow Jesus are under a Scriptural Imperative to walk around sobbing till rivers of tears flow down their cheeks, staining their modest-but-tastefull cotton-polyester décolletage.

Rest assured that there’ll be nothing but Christ-like grief at my Church for the next four years. Or at least until I find someone gullible enough to buy all the Mormon Tabernacle Choir recordings we stockpiled as part of a planned training course for those aspiring to careers as Washington lobbyists. Now perhaps Consuella still has the number of the suckerastute business man who purchased all the “Palin 2012” bumper stickers we printed a few years back…

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

PS. Spare a thought also, if you will, for John Kubik, an attendee at Romney's Boston election night party, whose 15 minutes of fame has just passed in the form of a mention in The New York Times. When asked how he felt, Mr. Kubik, who comes from Orlando, Florida, replied “Horrible. I’ve despised Obama from the election. He’s an arrogant Communist.”Guess it's downhill from here for John... but at least he's not letting reality get in the way of some really funny hyperbole.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Not too much longer to wait now, and America will once more have a born-again Bible-believing Orthodox Conservative President in the White House. Certainly I know Miserable Liberals like little Matt Kennedy are predicting the worst, but that just stems back to the same problem Liberals have with everything - they just don’t read the Scriptures correctly. Phillipians 4:4, for example, makes it clear that Christians are to “Rejoice in the Lord always.” That’s right – it says “Rejoice”. Not mope around like Donald Trump’s hairstyle in a sauna, but “Rejoice”. Which last time I looked at Wiktionary means something along the lines of “Be happy.” Although it also says the word is derived from French, so I’m not too sure why Paul was using it, or how God could have considered it appropriate for his Sinless Bible which died on the cross to save Us, but let’s leave that for another time just now.

So, having established that true Christians are called to rejoice, we must also remember that God has also promised to ”keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast” – a passage which unquestionably applies to me, and quite possibly you also providing you sincerely believe as I do. And let’s face it: how could Righteous Christians possibly rejoice if they knew Obamacare - which is in sharp contrast to everything a Clergyman who makes a fortune on the side by contracting to the County for pauper’s funerals stands for – wasn’t going to be repealed by the next administration? How could God keep a man of My Righteousness “in perfect peace” if I knew that poor people will continue receiving life-prolonging medical care they can’t possibly afford? Or what about the fortune I accumulated through buying up properties seized as result of the former owners’ inability to pay their hospital bills? God knows full well that medical debts used to account for 62% of all U.S. personal bankruptcies (you’d better believe I’ve reminded Him of this at every Parish prayer meeting), so it’s not as if He can just claim to have forgotten the importance of ensuring a continued supply of bargains for Doctrinally-sound Believers blessed with the capacity to take advantage of others’ misfortune.

No, My Beloved Sinners, I refuse to believe that god’s Word would personally instruct Me to be happy if this sort of outrage was just around the corner. Call me old-fashioned, but if America’s founding fathers had wanted us to enjoy a fair and equitable health system they’d have called us Canada. Or New Zealand, Great Britain, Switzerland, Sweden, Germany, Denmark, Australia, Finland, Holland, Belgium, Lichtenstein or one of those other god-forsaken hell-holes not enjoying an infant mortality rate somewhere in the middle of a whole lot of nations with names ending in “stan”. Which why you can all be sure that come this Tuesday I’ll be proudly voting for Romney as many times as I can get away with.

Nor do I want any nit-picking so-called “Christians” sending me any more emails about Mitt “not really being one of us” on account of his Mormon inclinations. I’ve conducted no small amount of research on this topic, and can categorically state that these days the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is 100% doctrinally sound. Certainly I’ll agree that its teachings differ a tiny bit to those of denominations not convinced that after His resurrection Jesus spent a little chill-out time in Pennsylvania, Ohio, and upstate New York, but any unbiased Bible-believer will have to agree that these amount to nothing more than theological minutiae: Mormons have additional scriptures, reject the Trinity, practice baptism of the dead, claim special underwear brings one closer to God (and no, Beloved Sinners the said undergarments are emphatically not made of latex, PVC, or leather. Nor satin, naugahyde or fun-fur), and advocate a Christology which in more forgiving times normally resulted in proponents being burnt at the stake – all mere trivia in comparison to the meat at the heart of Christian Orthodoxy.

Indeed; when it comes to the theological rubber hitting consortium-owned highway Billy Graham is completely justified in giving the Biblical all clear to Joseph Smiths most talented spiritual progeny since the Osmonds. After all, as a Mormon Romney doesn’t like homos, so he can obviously say the 39 Articles and any of the historical creeds without crossing his fingers. He’s part of a church with more Bishops (all of whom have penises) than a convention of schismatic Anglicans (so there’s nothing heterodox about his ecclesiology), and which takes tithing so seriously it makes Pentecostals look laid-back about money. Nor should we ever forget that as a Mormon Mitt Romney brings the weight of his church’s history to the fight for traditional marriage.

None of which must for a moment, of course, be construed as implying Mormons are saved. Obviously they can’t be – what kind of a place does anyone think Heaven would be if they let people who won’t drink beer and coffee? Yet it’s more than just his religion that makes Romney any Orthodox Christian’s only choice: it’s also his money.

That’s right: for too long the only countries with leaders stashing away millions in Swiss bank accounts and the Cayman Islands have been places like Iraq, Libya, and African nations so psychotic not even GAFCON bishops appreciate them being mentioned. Whilst Haiti’s Duvaliers and Panama’s Noriega were busy hiding fortunes, America’s leaders were doing nothing more impressive than bungling hotel break-ins or leaving stains on an intern’s now famous blue dress. With this kind of inattention to detail on the part of our Presidents is it any wonder the U.S. is now in only fourth place on the list of countries which execute people? (Although you’ll be glad to know America does still lead the world when it comes to incarcerating citizens, which not only proves how well the war on drugs is working, but also how successful a century of fundamentalism has been when it comes to transforming the hearts and lives of ordinary Americans.) But now with Mitt Romney having been sent to us by god (or at least someone qualified to give His more outspoken representatives advice on tax-avoidance) America will have a leader whose fascinating personal finances are every bit as inspiring as anything Gaddafi ever came up with.

And if that doesn’t get you out to vote on Tuesday not even I can do anything to redeem your seared conscience.