Finance

NEW YORK—Saying the company has received hundreds of résumés since posting the job opening to its website earlier this week, Goldman Sachs human resources manager David Browning reported Thursday that a high-level position with the inv...

NEW YORK—Calling it a major breakthrough that will significantly expedite and streamline its daily operations, Wall Street financial firm Goldman Sachs revealed Thursday it has developed a new high-speed algorithm that is capable of performing more ...

BAY LAKE, FL—Citing the 75 percent increase in ticket prices over the past decade, a report published Thursday by consumer research firm McGann & Associates found that the rising cost of admission to Walt Disney World is prompting more parents to leave their children at home when visiting the popular resort.

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that if Americans want in on this they need to strike while the iron is hot, United States secretary of commerce Penny Pritzker on Thursday urged the nation to get a piece of the action.

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

CHICAGO—After listing off a litany of reasons why he cannot stand his current job, local 27-year-old Don Rutland told reporters Friday that he just needs to power through another day of not being broke and unemployed.

CINCINNATI—Unaware that it will soon be regarded by his managers as an unnecessary drain on the company’s bottom line, local software engineer Rob Lofland reportedly celebrated a raise Thursday that his employer will eventually use to justify firing him.

WASHINGTON—Saying it was time all Americans were equally represented, the U.S. Treasury Department announced Thursday that it would honor the nation’s women by introducing the country’s first female currency.

WASHINGTON—Amidst rapidly rising costs throughout the health care system, a report published Wednesday by the American Hospital Association has found that nearly $2 billion is spent each year replacing gowns taken by patients who escape from the nation’s medical centers.

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Upon noticing that all the other customers in the H&R Block lobby were holding stacks of paper much thicker than his own, local man Paul Uriarte was said to be overtaken by a sharp and paralyzing wave of anxiety Wednesday.

WASHINGTON—While saying it still holds out hope that one day it will be used for less degrading purposes, the nation’s money revealed Tuesday that it continues to be disgusted on a daily basis by what people across the country do with it.
Acco...

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.

WASHINGTON—Noting that they are far more likely than their peers to have sufficient savings in their later years, a new study released Wednesday by the National Institute on Retirement Security confirmed that Nazi treasure hunters are currently foll...

CHICAGO—Saying that you could tell by the way they stared into each other’s eyes, friends and family of newlywed couple Patrick and Heather Vaughn told reporters Friday that the bride and groom look so deeply in debt.

MINNETONKA, MN—Saying he’d been expecting the multinational corporation to have to wait a little while longer, David MacLennan, the CEO of U.S.-based agribusiness Cargill, told reporters Friday he was surprised how quickly the money it had jus...

CANTON, MI—Upon being informed by the cashier that his assortment of purchases totaled $49.56, local man Josh Molina triumphantly basked Thursday in the glory of using up nearly the exact value of his $50 Target gift card.

With no winner from the previous drawing, the jackpot for Wednesday’s Powerball lottery is expected to surpass $450 million, as gamblers around the nation buy more tickets in hopes of drawing the lucky numbers.

OMAHA, NE—Shaking his head as workers installed a fountain on his neighbor’s front lawn, business magnate Warren Buffett told reporters Wednesday that he cannot believe he’s stuck living next to the latest recipient of a Powerball jackpo...

As part of an effort to make higher education accessible to all Americans, President Obama has proposed offering two free years of community college to qualified students, a plan critics say is too expensive and misses the mark on education reform.

WASHINGTON—Expressing their commitment to helping average American families get a leg up, leaders of the Republican party addressed the nation’s growing income inequality Wednesday by offering the middle class a hot stock tip.

MYSTIC, CT—Expressing frustration while viewing the Mystic Aquarium’s stingray exhibit with his family, local dad Jeff Palmer told reporters Wednesday that he didn’t shell out $100 of his hard-earned cash just to listen to a lecture abou...

ARLINGTON, TX—Following Ohio State’s 42-20 victory over Oregon in Monday’s inaugural College Football Playoff National Championship, graduating seniors from both teams were admittedly somber after being financially exploited on the field...

CULVER CITY, CA—Explaining that it just came to him in a moment of inspiration, Columbia Pictures executive Andrew Killian told reporters this week that he has an incredible idea for a new film budget.

PHILADELPHIA—Describing it as an effective strategy for boosting office morale and worker output, a study released this week by researchers at the Wharton School of Business has found that employees are most productive when they are free to set thei...

PALO ALTO, CA—Explaining how economic conditions were drastically altering citizens’ behavior and spending patterns, a report released Wednesday by researchers at Stanford Business School revealed that rising income inequality was causing more...

NEW YORK—Starting their three-day whirlwind tour of New York, Prince William and Duchess Kate told reporters Monday that they planned to spend the leftover $36.21 in American currency that Queen Elizabeth II had been holding on to since her 2010 vis...

TAUNTON, MA—Noting the limited number of gifts requested and the omission of the year’s most popular toys, sources confirmed Wednesday that 12-year-old David Huffman’s Christmas list demonstrates a heartbreaking awareness of his family...

COLLEGE PARK, MD—Indicating a trend toward greater financial preparedness, a report released Tuesday by the University of Maryland found that a growing number of Americans are setting aside money in case of a public relations emergency.

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

PHILADELPHIA—Stipulating that the funds be used for “furthering the invalidation of sexual assault claims wherever they occur,” an anonymous donation received Thursday by Temple University is reportedly intended to be used to build a cen...

While brick-and-mortar stores like Walmart and Target are advertising door-buster deals to get consumers in their aisles on Black Friday, many Americans are opting to take advantage of the ease and product variety of online shopping.

COLLEGE PARK, MD—Saying the money would help further researchers’ understanding of the awesome scientific phenomenon, representatives for the American Institute of Physics announced Tuesday that they had received a $10 million grant to melt st...

BEIJING—Celebrating the milestone with hugs, jubilant cheers, and singing, over 600,000 Chinese citizens assembled in Tiananmen Square today to watch the U.S. debt clock mounted above the Forbidden City

WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide relief from the burden of high-interest monthly payments, a new law will forgive college graduates’ federal student loan debt once all their dreams have been shattered, sources confirmed Thursday.

EDISON, NJ—Noting that it was the sensible thing to do at this point in his life, 27-year-old web designer Jonathan Elridge confirmed Thursday that he puts aside a small percentage of each paycheck for his bank to gamble with.

WASHINGTON—Saying the extra income would be a major boon both for individual citizens and the country at large, a study released Monday by the Congressional Budget Office confirmed that a mass extinction of the world’s flora and fauna could fr...

PHILADELPHIA—Lamenting that she will spend the foreseeable future paying off her college expenses, local 23-year-old digital marketing assistant Ashley Orlinsky expressed concern Wednesday that her student loans will prevent her from ever owning an ...

FRANKLIN, IN—Explaining that you would earn all your money back by attending just three Rock ‘N’ Roll Blackout nights, a report released this week by the Franklin Skate Center confirmed that you’re actually saving yourself money by...

WASHINGTON—Faced with increasingly tight budgets, a growing number of U.S. schools no longer have the resources necessary to provide art classes with enough mannequins and human urine for each student, a report from the Education Policy Research Ins...

Public school districts in the United States receive billions of taxpayer dollars in state and federal funding every year to pay for teacher salaries, school bus transportation, building maintenance, counseling services, and more.

CHARLOTTE, NC—Saying the penalty will cover the costs incurred by the financial institution whenever a customer makes a withdrawal that results in a positive account balance, Bank of America introduced a new $50 underdraft fee Tuesday on all checkin...

NEW YORK—Sitting in the multinational corporation’s boardroom, Chase executives reportedly spent most of Friday afternoon nostalgically recalling the financial company’s hip-hop roots, reminiscing about being young bankers who helped cre...

NEW YORK—Shaking hands and thanking each other for taking the time to meet, the architects of the 2026 Market Crash parted ways Tuesday after a highly productive meal at the Capital Grille steakhouse in lower Manhattan.

WASHINGTON—Taking into account current market conditions, average 401K contributions, and forecasted cost of living increases, a report released Friday by the Employee Benefit Research Institute concluded that the majority of Americans have saved en...

METHUEN, MA—Saying that he can already picture them calling him up at all hours and feeding him their sad sack stories to try to win his sympathy, 37-year-old local man Shawn DeWeese told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which of his relative...

SPRINGFIELD, MO—A month after his return from his tropical vacation to Puerto Rico, every single line of local man Kevin Goodrich’s latest MasterCard billing statement has reportedly conjured an infuriating memory from the trip, sources confir...

NEW YORK—A study published Thursday by the McKinsey Global Institute confirmed that American citizens lead the world in the ability to justify needless purchases, a finding that extended across all consumer categories, from electronics, to food item...

WAUKEGAN, IL—Though he has limited skills and performs his job adequately at best, the single most replaceable person at Lucas Research Associates announced Monday that he will resign immediately if he does not receive the salary increase he has dem...

THE HEAVENS—Saying they were reluctant to make the change but that budget pressures left them no other choice, divine sources announced Tuesday that the traditional promise of salvation would be reduced from eternity to 500 billion years.

CHARLOTTE, NC—Affirming the company’s commitment to giving back to their loyal customers, Bank of America unveiled its new Existential Rewards credit card program at a press event Friday, which will reportedly allow cardholders to accrue a dee...

TRENTON, NJ—In an effort to plan for their newborn daughter’s future, local parents Jonathan and Kate Bradbury have shrewdly begun investing in a college fund that will pay for an estimated 12 weeks of their child’s education, the couple...

Following the recent data breach at retail giant Target, which exposed credit card numbers and personal information of as many as 110 million people, many Americans have grown concerned about their safety and privacy online.

PRINCETON, NJ—Citing the teachings of classical laissez-faire economics, leading economists explained Tuesday that the all-knowing invisible hand of free-market capitalism had yet again guided millions of dollars in profits to bead stores across the...

NEW YORK—Recent Wesleyan University graduate Zach Wallace confided to reporters Thursday that he has no clue how his parents are supposed to earn enough money to settle his $40,000 in student loan debt.

PHILADELPHIA—A report released Wednesday by economists at the University of Pennsylvania confirmed that the already massive gap between the world’s ultra-rich and reality is now at historic levels and only continues growing wider each year.

NEW YORK—Executive board members of Goldman Sachs called an afternoon press conference today to announce they will be exploding a local intermediate care facility, adding that “we’re doing it, and there’s basically nothing anyone c...

CAMDEN, MN—While filling out a 1040 form and other documents Tuesday in preparation for filing his 2012 federal tax returns, local man Robert Moran, a blog writer who will shortly be audited by the Internal Revenue Service, announced that his calcul...

NEW YORK—Seeking to mollify critics over its role in the global financial crisis, Goldman Sachs announced Friday the hiring of junior analyst Greg Kohler, who executives said is the investment bank's first and only employee to possess a clear set of...

SAN FRANCISCO—Financial services giant Visa held a press event Tuesday to introduce "Visa Voice," a new line of talking credit cards that urges shoppers to just go ahead and buy it if that's what they really want. "Whenever ...

CARBONDALE, IL—Citing the fact that he's now able to make the minimum payment on his credit cards each month and is back in the workforce making $20,000 less than when he was laid off in 2009, 43-year-old Tom Baker declared Tuesday that the ec...

AKRON, OH—Tiger Woods scored a career-worst 18-over-par finish at the Bridgestone Invitational Sunday, officially hitting rock bottom if one ignores the fact that he is worth over $600 million, is still the world's No.

Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

ELKHART, IN—Saying even the tiniest moment of leisure counted, local man Brian Rabe told reporters Sunday that he was attempting to wring every last drop of relaxation from the single day that remained of his time off from work.

CHICAGO—Seeking to maximize the potential reach of their latest post, sources confirmed Thursday that the editors of news website The Daily Blotter managed to force the word “millennials”into the article’s headline in order to boost pageviews.

WASHINGTON, DC–Seeking to increase fiscal accountability among citizens who have no chance to survive make their time, the House of Representatives added an "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" amendment Monday to H.R. 333, the Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act of 2001. "What you say!!!" shouted the bill's sponsor, Rep. George Gekas (R-PA), following the amendment's approval. "This bill will not only make debt-ridden Americans more accountable, but it has the added benefit of taking off every 'zig' for great justice." Opponents of the amendment protested that it would potentially set up U.S. the bomb.