Date: Mon, 23 Jun 2003 16:09:39 EDT
From: Aterovis@aol.com
Subject: Bright Things Come to Confusion - Part 2
Bright Things Come to Confusion
Part 2 of 4
The rest of the week dragged by so slowly I thought I'd go crazy. I
spent most of my days avoiding Brooke and my nights avoiding Mom and
Kane. Mom was the only one so far who hadn't noticed my evasion. Kane gave
me a look like a kicked puppy every time he caught my eye. Brooke was a
little more subtle, but I could tell my reaction had hurt her feelings. I
felt terrible, but I just wasn't prepared to deal with it. Why couldn't she
understand that?
I was also dodging Cole. Trying to avoid both him and Brooke made
for interesting play rehearsals. I'd interact enough to say my lines and
block our stage positions, but then I'd retreat to a corner by myself as
soon as we were released. My anti-social behavior was nothing new, but this
was a bit extreme even for me.
Thursday night, things came to a head with Kane. I was hiding out
in my bedroom, working half-heartedly on some homework, when he barged into
my room. He shut the door firmly behind him and leaned against it, arms
crossed over his chest as if barring me from leaving. And he probably
could, I mused. At twelve, Kane was still quite a bit shorter than I, but
he was built sturdier, probably from all his skating.
"What are you doing?" I asked uneasily.
"I want to know what the hell is going on," he said in a
no-nonsense tone. "You've been treating me like dirt all week and I want to
know what I did wrong."
"You haven't done anything wrong," I said.
"Then why have you been holing up in here and snapping at me every
time I try to talk to you?"
"I've just had some stuff going on."
"What kind of stuff?"
"Just...stuff."
"So talk to me about it."
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because I can't, Kane. You wouldn't understand."
"Why wouldn't I understand? Just because you're older? I'm not
stupid you know. I'm your brother and we've always been there for each
other. You've never kept secrets from me before."
If you only knew, I thought darkly.
When I didn't answer, Kane slowly moved away from the door and sat
down on the bed. "What's going on, Seth? Please talk to me. I'm worried
about you."
"Don't worry about me," I mumbled, refusing to look up at
him. "I'll be okay."
"I can't help but worry when you're acting like this. You've always
been there for me and now I want to be there for you. Since Dad left, all
we have is each other. Let me be there for you."
I bit my lip in an attempt to stem the flow of tears that was
threatening to spill over at any second. "Maybe I'm just scared of losing
you too," I whispered.
Kane's eyes grew wide. "What are you stupid or something? You could
never lose me. Look, whatever is going on, you can tell me. I promise you,
nothing could ever be so bad that you would lose me over it."
I looked him directly in the eye. I could see he meant it but I was
still so scared. Sure he meant it now, but once he knew what was really
bothering me, would he feel the same? How could he, knowing his big brother
was a fag?
I slowly began to shake my head no, but Kane refused to accept it.
"Damn it, Seth! Don't do this to me!" And then suddenly, he began
to cry. I sat in stunned silence as the first few tears slowly built into a
full-fledged sobbing bawl. I quickly moved to his side on the bed and
pulled him against me. Kane immediately threw his arms around my neck and
buried his face in my chest. Right after Dad left, it hadn't been at all
uncommon for me to hold my little brother like this, but it had been a long
time since then and it felt awkward now.
After a while, he cried himself out, but he still refused to let
go.
"What was that about?" I asked gently, half-afraid I would set him
off once more.
"I'm losing you," he sniffled pitifully.
"What? No you're not!"
"Yes I am. You're pulling away from me, just like Mom did after Dad
left. First him, then her, and now you. I can't stand it! I can't!" With
that, he started crying again.
"Kane, I don't mean to pull away. You know I love you. It's just
that...I've been having a really hard time with some things lately..."
He sat up suddenly, pulling away and staring at me accusingly. His
face was red and tear-streaked, his eyes shining with pain. "Why can't you
tell me about it then? I could be here for you. Sometimes things aren't as
bad as you think they are when you have somebody to talk to about them."
"It's not that simple, Kane. I wish it was, but this isn't
something that's just going to go away if I talk about it."
"It's not that simple, Kane," he mimicked angrily, leaping up from
the bed and whirling to face me. "You wouldn't understand, Kane." Well,
fine. If you don't want to tell me, that's your business, but I sure as
hell can't understand if you won't even give me the chance."
He spun around and stormed towards the door.
"I'm gay," I whispered so softly I didn't even think he would hear
me. He must have though, because he stopped dead in his tracks, hand on the
doorknob. He turned slowly to face me, his face slack-jawed with surprise.
"What did you say?"
I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and repeated myself. "I'm
gay."
Here it comes, I thought. He'll realize that I'm the whole reason
Dad left us in the first place. He'll realize that I'm the reason Mom
retreated into her own little world. He'll realize that I'm the reason our
family fell apart. And he'll hate me. Just like everyone else.
My eyes were still squeezed shut when I felt a pair of arms sliding
around my neck. I flinched away as my eyes flew open. Kane looked at me
appraisingly.
"Didn't you hear me?" I rasped. "I said I'm gay."
"So?" He couldn't have sounded less concerned. He smiled. "Thanks
for telling me."
"Wait. It doesn't bother you?"
He shrugged. "Not really. It doesn't change who you are. You're
still my big brother and I love you."
I took a second to let that sink in.
"It is a little weird when I think about Dad though," he said
thoughtfully.
"Weird?" I said, unable to believe that's all he had to say about
it. "I think it's a little more than weird. I destroyed our whole family."
Kane's face scrunched up. "Huh?"
"Mom and Dad know. That's why he left. It's my fault..." I was just
getting worked up, but Kane cut me off with three simple words.
"No it isn't."
After a succession of rapid blinks, it was my turn to respond with,
"Huh?"
"It wasn't your fault Dad left. Mom threw him out."
"But...I saw the computer. And you said that they were talking
about a faggot. You asked me what it meant."
"I dunno about any computer, but you never let me finish telling
you what I heard that night and it upset you so much I never brought it up
again."
"I don't understand."
"I didn't understand a lot of what I heard that night, but I've
thought about it a lot since. They were arguing and Mom said that Dad
disgusted her."
"Maybe he wanted to kick me out or something..." I suggested
weakly.
"Will you let me finish! Mom was yelling at Dad to get out and Dad
said they should think about us kids. Then Mom told him she didn't want him
to ever come near us again."
"What? Why?"
"She said he made her sick and she never wanted to see him again."
"But...I don't understand."
"Seth, she called him a faggot." When I didn't respond, he
continued. "Don't you see? Dad is gay too."
My mind reeled. I felt like the bed had dropped out from under me
and I was falling. Then everything went black.
The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes again was Kane's face
hovering above me wearing a concerned expression.
"Are you okay?" he asked. "I've never seen anyone pass out before."
"I didn't pass out," I said indignantly and I struggled to sit
up. Then Kane's big revelation flooded back into my mind and I almost
fainted again.
"Seth!" Kane gasped as I swayed.
"I'm okay," I said. I didn't even convince myself. Everything I'd
believed for so long had just been turned upside-down. The last three years
of my life had been cast in an entirely new light.
"You really thought that you'd caused all that?" Kane asked with
disbelief in his voice.
"I saw Mom looking at the computer..." I was so confused. Suddenly,
I didn't know what to believe. "Are you sure you're remembering correctly?"
"Positive. And why do you keep talking about the computer?"
"I, uh, had pictures on there," I said sheepishly. At Kane's blank
stare, I explained, "Of naked guys."
Understanding flooded his face. "And Mom found the files?"
"I guess. I saw her looking at them later that night when I left
your room. I thought they knew and that's what they were fighting about. I
thought that was why Dad left and Mom blamed me."
He sat quietly for a minute, obviously thinking about what I'd
said. "I don't think they knew it was you," he said after a minute.
"Where else would they have come from?"
He shrugged. "I don't think Mom knows though. I think if she did
then she would have said something sometime in the last three years."
I realized he was probably right. I'd been reading her silence on
the subject as proof of her knowledge, but now I realized how absurd that
was.
Kane frowned. "You've really been blaming yourself all these
years?"
I nodded.
"I don't know how you did it," he said quietly. "I barely made it
through knowing it didn't have anything to do with me. I couldn't have done
it without you watching out for me."
"Yes you could have."
"Maybe, but you sure made things a lot easier. I can't believe you
thought I'd hate you."
"I was just so afraid," I said softly.
His arms were around me again in a flash. "Well now you don't have
to be afraid," he said fiercely. "I don't care who you think is hot. I love
you and I'm proud of you."
I hugged him back tightly. "Thanks, little bro."
"So," he said with a grin as he sat back. "Who do you think is
hot?"
"Kane!" I gasped.
"What?"
"I can't believe you asked that!"
"Well, you always ask me who I like."
"That's different."
"How?"
"I dunno. It just is."
"It's so not. Tell me! Who do you like?"
I sighed. "That's part of the problem," I said. "It's this guy from
drama."
"Do I know him?"
"I don't think so. His name is Cole McBride. He was in the play
last fall, the modern day fairy tales? He was Jack in Jack and the
Beanstalk."
"Black hair?"
"Yeah, that's him."
"So what's the problem? I'm no expert, but he seemed pretty cute
for a guy."
"His looks are definitely not the problem. The problem is I can't
let anyone know I have this stupid crush on him."
"Why not?"
"Kane, come on. This is high school we're talking about. I haven't
even dealt with being gay yet. You're only the second person who even
knows, assuming Mom and Dad really don't know. I'm definitely not ready to
be outed at school."
He quirked his mouth to one side. "Yeah, I guess you're right. The
kids at school are always picking on this one guy they say is gay."
"Is he?"
He shrugged. "Who knows? They think he is, so that's all that
really matters. Hey, wait a minute. Did you say I was the second person who
knows? Who else knows?"
"Brooke Rivera, this girl from drama."
"You told her before you told me?" I could tell he was hurt.
"No," I said quickly. "She figured it out. She said she could tell
because she's gay too. That's what I've been upset about all week. I was
afraid that if she could tell that easily, maybe other people could too."
"Oh. Okay then. Well, you don't hafta worry about me."
I smiled. "Thanks, Kane. You don't know how much that means to me."
He grinned. "I'm glad I could do something nice for you for a
change." He stood up and scuffed his foot against the carpet. "And, you
know, if you need to talk about anything, I'm here for you. Just cuz I'm a
kid doesn't mean I can't help."
"Yeah, I know that now. I think you just proved yourself pretty
well."
He glowed with pride as he scooped in quickly for another hug
before heading for the door.
"Oh, and Seth? I don't think I'd tell Mom if I were you," he
warned.
"Don't worry, I had no intention."
He nodded and exited. I stared after him for a while, letting all
the new information swirl around my brain. Kane knew about me and he didn't
care. So did Brooke for that matter. And what's more, Mom and Dad didn't
know. It would take me a while to get used to that concept. But most
importantly, Kane had said Dad was gay too. My mind had yet to wrap itself
around that bit of information. Could it be true? And if so, what did that
mean? I had to find out more. But how? I couldn't exactly ask Mom.
I walked over to my desk and I looked down at my neglected
homework. I had a feeling it wouldn't get finished tonight.
* * *
With everything I had going on in my head, it wasn't at all
surprising that I was very distracted the next day at school. Usually
attentive and responsive, my teachers found my sudden distractedness
frustrating and mildly alarming. More than one teacher pulled me aside
after class to ask me if everything was okay. I gave the same answer each
time, assuring them that I was fine. Most of them accepted my reassurance
with varying degrees of incredulity. Mr. Roedel refused to be put off so
easily. He'd cornered me after another disastrous rehearsal and totally
failed to buy my assertion that all was fine.
"Give me a little credit here, Seth," he admonished gently. "I may
be a little preoccupied with opening night approaching and our snail's pace
progress, but a blind deaf man could tell you haven't been yourself this
week. And then today, you actually flubbed several of your lines. What's
going on?"
"It's really nothing, Mr. Roedel, but thanks for being concerned."
"Being concerned about my students is part of my job,
Mr. Connelly." He always reverted to our last name whenever he was making a
serious point. "It happens to be a part of my job that I especially
enjoy. I hope you know you can talk to me. You might find I'm more
understanding than you think."
That caused me to stop and think. Was he hinting about something or
was that just my imagination? There were rumors that Mr. Roedel was gay,
but then, that was only to be expected for a slightly flamboyant, single,
male drama teacher. I'd never put much stock in the whispered stories about
his supposed boyfriends. I decided that it was just an innocuous offer to
listen.
"Thanks, but it's just some personal stuff. I'm sure it'll all work
out and I'll be back to normal by Monday."
"I hope so, for your sake. If you change your mind, just know you
can talk to me anytime."
I nodded and made my escape. I was still thinking about how odd
that whole exchange had been, when someone caught my sleeve and I found
myself cornered again - this time by Cole.
"Hey Seth," he said with a nervous smile that somehow made him even
more endearing.
"Er, uh, hey Cole," I mumbled. "I thought you'd left already."
"I was waiting for you," he said.
"For me?" I gulped. "How come?"
"Brooke said she was supposed to pick you up for the rehearsal at
Leah's tonight, but she's going to be late." Funny, she hadn't mentioned
that to me, although, to be fair, I hadn't given her much chance to say
anything to me. "So, um, she asked me if I could pick you up. I said yeah,
but I don't know where you live."
I felt my face heat up with anger and embarrassment. Anger at
Brooke for setting this up and embarrassment at being put in this
position. Damnit! Why couldn't I be old enough to drive? And then suddenly,
I didn't care if I was old enough to drive. I didn't want to go to this
stupid rehearsal. I didn't want to spend a long, uncomfortable night at
Leah's house, feeling out of place and awkward.
"You know, Cole," I said wearily, "I don't think I'm going to be
able to make the rehearsal tonight. I'm really sorry but you'll just have
to make due without me."
I turned and walked quickly away. I'd only taken a few steps,
however, before Cole called after me. "Uh, Seth?" I stopped and turned to
face him. "Since I didn't know where you live and I was going to pick you
up and all, Brooke said I should just take you home too." I stood there
wishing the school would just collapse on top of me and end this day. When
I didn't say anything, Cole continued hesitantly. "You know, that way I'd
know where you lived..."
He looked so nervous and insecure standing there that I felt sorry
for him. It wasn't his fault Brooke had turned out to be a conniving
bitch. I sighed. "Yeah, okay. Thanks, Cole. That's really nice of you."
He shrugged and bit his lip. He stood there for a minute before
realizing that I was waiting for him to lead the way to his car. He blushed
slightly and started moving. I fell into step beside him and we walked
silently to the parking lot. For the first time ever, I realized that Cole
seemed just as uncomfortable as I did. Maybe he knew I was gay and didn't
want to be alone with me any more than I wanted to be alone with him. Only
our reasons would be very different. I wasn't ready for anyone to know I
was gay and he probably just didn't like being alone with a queer boy.
I was so lost in my thoughts I almost walked into him when he
stopped suddenly in front of a dark green Camry. "This is my car," he said.
"It's nice." Lame, Seth, very lame.
"Thanks." He unlocked the passenger side door before walking around
to the driver's side. I climbed in, sitting my backpack on my lap, and we
both buckled up. He started the car and pulled out of the lot. Neither of
us spoke the entire time. Once on the road, I realized he didn't know where
my house was, so I gave him directions to the suburban development where I
lived. We drove a few minutes in silence before Cole spoke up.
"Hey Seth, I know you said you couldn't make it to the rehearsals,
but if there's any way you can, it would mean a lot to me. I've just been
really nervous about this play for some reason and the extra time with
everyone would make me feel a lot better."
I couldn't believe Cole McBride was practically begging me to
come. Was this really happening? Had Brooke set him up to do this?
"You don't need me," I said quietly.
"Yes I do! You're really important to me! I mean to the play. I
mean Lysander is really important." He blushed furiously as he kept his
eyes carefully on the road. What was going on here?
I didn't answer right away; in fact, I didn't say anything except
to give him some last minute directions to my house. As he pulled up in the
driveway, I looked over at him. He was staring straight ahead and biting
his lip again. The last of my reserves melted away.
"Pick me up at six-thirty," I said and quickly jumped out of the
car.
Kane was standing at the door when I got there. He raised one
eyebrow. "Wasn't that...?"
"Yes," I said in a voice that clearly said that was the end of the
subject. For once, he took the hint and dropped it.
I was a nervous wreck waiting for Cole to come back. I was such a
mess that I couldn't even eat dinner. I didn't know how I'd make it through
the rehearsal without making a complete fool of myself. By the time his
green Camry pulled back into our drive, I was ready to call the whole thing
off.
"I can't do this!" I babbled to myself.
"Calm down," Kane said soothingly, causing me to jump. I hadn't
even known he was there. He gave me a not-so-gentle shove towards the
door. "Now get out there; don't make him wait. Just do your lines and
you'll be fine."
"You make it sound so easy," I grumbled as I started out the door.
"And you make everything so hard," he called after me.
"Hi," I said as I climbed into his car for the second time that
day.
He smiled at me and his whole face lit up. God, this boy was
beautiful. "I was afraid you wouldn't come," he said.
"Here I am," I mumbled.
"Thanks. It means a lot." He was dripping sincerity.
"You're welcome."
He tried to make small talk all the way to Leah's house, which was
about fifteen minutes away, but I wasn't feeling very chatty. Most of my
answers were of the monosyllabic variety. It didn't stop him from trying.
Leah's house turned out to be an attractive, two-story
Colonial-style white house with black shutters. She met us at the door and
led us through a tastefully decorated home. We followed her down to the
basement, which was finished off into a rec room, complete with big screen
TV and well-used pool table. Everyone else was already there, including,
much to my surprise, Miss I'm-going-to-be-late Brooke. If she was going to
lie about being late, the least she could do was actually show up late. I
glared daggers at her and she looked away guiltily.
"Great, now that everyone's here, let's get started," Leah said
brightly.
The rehearsal itself went pretty well. The first time was a little
rough, but we improved a little with each consecutive run-through. Everyone
had their lines pretty well memorized and we all felt a lot better after
we'd gone through the scenes for the third time.
"Well, hey," Cole announced after we'd finished. "I don't know
about the rest of you, but I'm feeling a lot better about this now. How
about we go through it one more time and then call it a night?"
"Let's take a break first," Brooke suggested. I'd done my best to
ignore her throughout the night. It had made for rather awkward scenes when
it was just the two of us, but no one else seemed to notice.
"Okay," Cole agreed with a shrug. Everyone quickly relaxed. Leah
offered to get sodas for everyone. Several conversations quickly sprung up
as I retreated to a corner. Much to my chagrin, Brooke made a beeline for
me.
"Can I please talk to you for a second?" she asked quietly.
"Don't you think you've said enough?" I snapped.
"Seth, please?"
"Fine," I agreed through gritted teeth. "But not here."
She nodded and led me back up the stairs. "Seth and I are going
outside to get some fresh air," she called to Leah.
We went outside on the front lawn, where I stood with my arms
crossed tightly across my chest. I stayed quiet, letting my body language
do my talking for me.
"Look," Brooke started, "I know you're probably mad at me for
asking Cole to take you home today and pick you up, but I really did think
I was going to be late. I promise. I had a bunch of chores I had to do for
my mom and I didn't think I'd ever get them done in time, but it turned out
they went faster than I thought they would."
"So out of everyone else involved, you just had to ask Cole?" I was
still angry; she wasn't getting off the hook that easily.
"It was just the most logical choice, Seth. He doesn't live that
far from you and he can drive. It didn't make sense to ask Leah to come get
you and you hardly even know Allison, Eddie, and Tim."
I grudgingly had to admit she had a point. "So you weren't just
trying to set me up?"
"No, I promise."
I sighed. "It was just so shocking to have him come up to me and
tell me you'd asked him to take me home. Especially after what we talked
about the other night."
"I'm sorry. I would have at least discussed it with you but you've
been avoiding me all week. You'd think I had the Black Death."
I grimaced. "Yeah, sorry about that. I've been dealing with a lot
since we talked."
"How's it going?"
"I thought you weren't going to bring it up."
"I didn't, you did. Seth, I could be a friend if you'd let me."
I looked into her eyes and saw that she was sincere. I decided to
take a risk. "I had a lot of trouble with it up until last night."
"What happened last night?"
"I told my brother and he was fine with it."
She broke into a wide smile. "That's great!"
"Yeah, he's really cool. Not that it's all peachy-keen now. I still
have a lot of stuff to deal with, and I'm definitely not ready to come out
yet or anything, but at least I know I have someone in my corner." I looked
over at her and smiled. "Make that two people."
She gave me a quick hug. It felt weird, but not at all
unpleasant. So this is what it was like to have a real friend. I kind of
liked it.
"There would be other people in your corner too, if you'd let them
in," she said softly into my ear.
I drew back. "I don't think I'm ready for that yet," I said.
She smiled and winked at me. "Baby steps," she said and we both
laughed.
"Do many people know about you?" I asked.
"Not too many. It's not like I walk around with a "Dykes to Watch
Out For" T-shirt or anything. I tell people I trust and that I want to
know."
I flushed with pleasure. "I feel honored."
"You should."
"You were the first person to know about me," I told her.
"I thought your Mom and Dad knew," she said hesitantly, as if
afraid to bring up the subject of my parents.
"So did I," I admitted. "But apparently I was wrong all this
time. Kane, my brother, said he's pretty sure they don't know."
"But...I thought you said that was why your dad..."
"That's what I've thought all these years, but Kane says he thinks
my dad is gay too and that's why my mom kicked him out." I frowned
suddenly. I was still new at this friendship thing and it suddenly occurred
to me that I was probably blurting out way more than necessary.
Brooke seemed to read my expression. "Don't worry," she said
quickly, "I won't tell anyone what you tell me. It stays between
us. Scout's honor."
"You're not a Boy Scout," I pointed out.
She smiled. "Maybe not, but you can trust my word."
"I don't have much of a choice, do I?"
"You always have a choice. I didn't have to tell you about myself,
but I thought it was worth the risk."
"I've not been much of a risk-taker these last few years, but I
took one when I decided to be your friend tonight."
"Being a friend is always a gamble. So is coming out. I've found
that the benefits of both far outweigh the risks."
I thought about her words for a minute. "Aren't you afraid?"
"Of?"
"Of coming out? I mean, people get killed over this stuff."
"You can't live your whole life in fear, Seth. Then the bigots
win. I just decided one day that I didn't want to lie about who I was
anymore - not to the people that matter. I wanted to be myself. I wanted to
know that they accepted me for who I really am, not just who they think I
am. Do I worry that people might reject me because of who I am? Or that my
life might be harder because I've chosen to live it truthfully?
Sometimes. But I don't let it consume me. I can't. And I can't live a life
of lying and pretending to be something I'm not. What kind of life is
that?"
"Not much of one," I agreed sadly. I knew that from firsthand
experience. "Do you have a girlfriend?" I asked suddenly.
She shook her head. "Not right now. It's really hard to find
someone, especially considering the much smaller pool we have to choose
from. And then if you're lucky enough to find someone you like, it's really
hard to maintain any kind of relationship. There are a lot of things going
against us. Like, there was this one girl that I was really into but she
didn't go to our school, so it was really hard to see her. Then her parents
found out and they didn't like it at all. They forbid her to see me and
that made it even harder, so we just eventually broke it off."
"Sounds like Lysander and Hermia," I said.
She laughed. "Yeah, star-crossed lovers. That was us."
"Is there anyone you like now?"
"Maybe," she said teasingly.
My response was cut off by the door opening behind us. It was
Cole. He looked out at us curiously for a second before speaking. "Hey
guys, are you ready to go over the play one more time?"
Brooke looked at me with raised eyebrows. "Yeah, I think we're
ready," I said with a smile. With an answering grin, she presented her arm
and I looped mine through it as we walked towards the door. Cole gave us a
surprised glance before disappearing into the house.
Brooke leaned in just before we broke apart to go in. "Now maybe we
can really rehearse our scene instead of you pretending you're saying your
lines to a mannequin."
I laughed out loud as I followed her in.
Once back in the basement, we started from the top with Act 1,
Scene 1. It contains the first big scene for Brooke and me as Hermia and
Lysander. The words took on new meaning after our conversation.
LYSANDER Ay me! for aught that I could ever read, Could ever hear by tale
or history, The course of true love never did run smooth; But, either it
was different in blood,-- HERMIA O cross! too high to be enthrall'd to low.
LYSANDER Or else misgraffed in respect of years,-- HERMIA O spite! too old
to be engaged to young. LYSANDER Or else it stood upon the choice of
friends,-- HERMIA O hell! to choose love by another's eyes. LYSANDER Or,
if there were a sympathy in choice, War, death, or sickness did lay siege
to it, Making it momentany as a sound, Swift as a shadow, short as any
dream; Brief as the lightning in the collied night, That, in a spleen,
unfolds both heaven and earth, And ere a man hath power to say 'Behold!'
The jaws of darkness do devour it up: So quick bright things come to
confusion. HERMIA If then true lovers have been ever cross'd, It stands as
an edict in destiny: Then let us teach our trial patience, Because it is a
customary cross, As due to love as thoughts and dreams and sighs, Wishes
and tears, poor fancy's followers.
* * *
The last run-through of the night was, by far, the best. Everyone
felt really good about our parts when we were finished. Now, if the rest of
the cast could get their act together, we'd be fine come opening night.
After we'd finished, Leah announced that she had rented the movie
version of "A Midsummer Night's Dream" with Rupert Everett, Michelle
Pfeiffer, and Calista Flockhart. She invited anyone who wanted to watch it
to stay. "I even have popcorn," she giggled.
I'd just about had my fill of being social -- baby steps, as Brooke
had said - so I quickly sought her out. Having formed a new bond with her,
I assumed she'd be taking me home. She was having an animated discussion
with Allison about Calista Flockhart's rumored anorexia. As I approached, I
took note of the look in Brooke's eyes and realized that I now knew who she
was attracted to: Allison. I paused and took in Allison for the first
time. She was average height and very curvaceous, not heavy but not stick
thin like the subject of their conversation. Her face was pretty but
nothing spectacular. What really stood out about Allison was her hair,
which hung long and straight down her back and was a deep, rich shade of
red - and completely natural. I could understand Brooke's
attraction. Suddenly, I hated to interrupt their conversation, but at the
same time, I really didn't want to stay for the movie.
Just then, Brooke noticed me standing there like a dork and
motioned me over. I rallied a half-hearted smile and joined them.
"Have you seen this movie before?" Allison asked me, quickly
including me in the conversation.
"Yeah, several times. It's really good," I said with as much
enthusiasm as I could muster.
"Then who do you think is prettier? Calista, Michelle, Anna Friel
or Sophie Marceau?" It never ceased to amaze me how even straight girls
could talk candidly about how attractive other women are without shame, but
men were forbidden to do the same by our society.
"Um, Anna Friel is the one who played Hermia?" I hedged. In truth,
it had never occurred to me to wonder which was prettier. Meanwhile, Brooke
was suppressing a grin with limited success.
"Yes, and Sophie played Hippolyta."
"It's been a while since I've seen it," I said, desperately wishing
for a distraction. If she'd asked me about the guys, I could have instantly
told her that I thought Christian Bale was hot as Demetrius and Rupert
Everett was as sexy as I'd even seen him as Oberon.
My wished-for distraction arrived at that moment in the form of
Cole. I'd never been so glad to see him in my life.
"Are you guys staying for the movie?" he asked. His eyes never left
my face.
"I think I will," Allison said.
"Me too," Brooke chimed in, looking at Allison. I felt my face
fall. I'd been hoping she'd say no.
Cole noticed right away. "Hey Seth, if you need a ride home, I'm
not staying and I can give you a lift."
I considered my options. I didn't really want to stay and watch the
movie, especially if Brooke was going to be preoccupied with Allison the
whole night. On the other hand, while part of me definitely wanted to
accept Cole's offer, I was a little uncomfortable with being alone with him
again. He'd been acting funny all night and it made me nervous.
Cole stared at me expectantly, and finally I decided that going
home was the better option, even if it meant being alone with him. "Yeah,
thanks," I said softly. "I'd appreciate that."
His face lit up again with his smile. "You ready now?" he asked.
"Sure," I said. "See ya, Brooke. Bye, Allison."
"Bye," they chorused. Brooke winked at me and I stuck my tongue out
at her.
"You guys are pretty good friends, huh?" Cole asked me as we walked
away.
"Who?" I asked, genuinely confused.
"You and Brooke."
"Oh. Yeah, I guess so." We hadn't been good friends for that long,
but there was no need to go into that with him.
"That must be nice," he said, wistfulness evident in his voice. His
eyes were watching the floor as if he had to choose each step carefully to
keep from tripping.
"Huh?" I responded with my usual charm.
"I've never really had a close friend."
"Why not?" I blurted out without thinking. I immediately regretted
the question. It was intensely personal, not to mention insensitive. "Never
mind, you don't have to answer that. It was really rude of me to ask it."
"No. It's ok," he took a deep breath. By now, we were outside and
approaching his car. "Do you mind if we take a walk though?"
"Here?" My voice cracked a bit. I really just wanted to go home. I
was getting more and more uncomfortable by the moment. I glanced around
Leah's neighborhood. It was a nice place; a planned residential area with
trees standing sentry along the street like the guards at Buckingham
Palace. There were no streetlights, so the road was illuminated only by the
light from the houses. It fell across the macadam in a patchwork of shadow
and warm yellow pools.
"Yeah. If you don't mind, I mean. There's a little park at the end
of the street."
I did mind, but it seemed rude to say so. I shrugged in
acquiescence and we set off at a leisurely pace. Cole was looking
everywhere but at me. I took the opportunity to study his face and wonder
what was going on inside his head. I didn't have to wonder for long.
"I guess I don't have any close friends because I'm afraid to let
anyone get close," he said after a minute.
Great, personal confessions. Just what I needed. I hoped he
wouldn't expect reciprocation. I tried to let the statement lay there, but
finally my curiosity and my empathy for him won out.
"You always seem to be around a bunch of people at school," I said,
then realized that it implied I'd been watching him at school. Which I had,
but he didn't need to know that.
Thankfully, he was so caught up in what he was trying to say that
he didn't seem to notice the implications in what I'd said. "They're not
really friends," he admitted to me. "None of them are people I would call
if I needed help. I don't even see them outside of school."
I could relate to that. "You seem like a really nice guy," I said
cautiously.
"Thanks," he said, sounding somewhat sad. "So do you."
We walked along in a heavy silence until we reached the park. It
was just a small community playground really; a clear area surround by
trees with a few pieces of playground equipment in the center - a swing
set, a slide, etc. Cole made for the swings and I trailed along behind
him. He settled into the center swing and I sat in the one to his right. He
pushed off gently, but I stayed still. I wasn't quite sure what we were
doing here.
"Can I ask you a question?" he asked after a few seconds.
I was immediately on guard. "I guess," I said warily, "Although I
may not answer it."
"That's fair enough, I guess," he said. Then he went quiet
again. I'd just decided he'd changed his mind about asking when he spoke up
in a voice so soft I could barely hear him. "Why do you avoid me?"
"Wha...wha...I...you," I sputtered. Whatever I'd been expecting, it
hadn't been that. I took a deep breath and forced my thoughts into some
semblance of organization. "I don't avoid you," I lied.
"Yes. Yes, you do," he said just as softly.
"I...I..." I sighed. "You're right. I do. I'm sorry."
"Why?"
"I...I don't know."
"I think you do. Do you not like me? Is it something I did?"
"No, it's not like that," I said desperately. I silently prayed to
whoever might be listening to open up the ground and swallow me, but of
course, it didn't happen. It never does when you really want it to.
"Is it because I'm gay?" he asked in that same barely audible
voice.
I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up. I jumped off the
swing and rushed into the nearby bushes, but I only dry-heaved. I hadn't
eaten anything since a few chips at lunch and there was nothing in my
stomach to come up. I was greedily gulping air, trying to settle my
stomach, when I heard Cole approaching. I leaned against a tree trunk,
keeping my back to him.
"That's what it is, isn't it?" he asked. His voice sounded so
defeated that I could barely stand it. "If that's what it is, I wish you'd
just tell me. I'll leave you alone, I promise. I just need to know why you
always seem like you can't wait to get away from me."
"Why does it matter?" I asked hoarsely.
"Because it does. It matters to me."
"But why? What difference does it make?"
"I don't know if it will make any difference. It's not like I can
change who I am." He paused. "Most of the time, it doesn't matter. Not with
other people anyway."
I turned slowly to face him. "But it does with me?"
"Yes." His face was shaded so I couldn't see his expression. I
focused on his voice, trying to read as much into it as possible.
"Why?"
"Because...because I like you."
I didn't know what to say to that. It almost seemed unreal, as if I
would awake any second now and find myself in my bed at home. Things like
this didn't really happen, did they? I stood there so long that Cole
finally gave up on me answering. His shoulders slumped and his head dropped
forward.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "Please forget I said that. I won't
bother you anymore."
He turned and started walking away.
"Cole, wait," I said quietly. He stopped and turned back. The
moonlight fell across his face now, plainly showing the glistening tear
tracks. I stepped out of the bushes and faced him. Brooke had said that
being a friend was a gamble, but the benefits usually outweighed the
risks. I sure hoped so now, because I was about to take a very big chance.
"You wanted to know why I avoid you. It isn't anything you did. I
didn't even know you were gay. The reason I've been avoiding you is
because..." Deep breath. "It's because I'm gay and I like you too."
To be continued...
------------------------------------
More about the author:
Josh Aterovis, a twenty-something artist-author, was born and bred on the
Eastern Shore of Maryland and lives there with his partner, Jon. Aterovis
is a Latin pseudonym meaning "black sheep."
Whenever anyone asked Josh what he wanted to be when he grew up, he always
said an author. It got him plenty of strange looks, but he never really
expected it to come true; it was just one of those things a kid says. In
1999, Josh's wishful dream became reality when he began to write a story
and post it on the Internet. Bleeding Hearts resonated deeply with readers,
who encouraged him to seek publication, and in 2001, the story was
published by Renaissance Alliance Publishing, Inc. Named the Best Whodunit
of 2002 by the Stonewall Society, Bleeding Hearts became the first book in
the Killian Kendall mystery series.
Reap the Whirlwind, his second book featuring amateur sleuth Killian
Kendall, is available as of May 5th, 2003. Josh has completed four books in
the series and is currently working on the fifth. He has won numerous
awards for his writing and for his web site, which also features his
well-received art gallery: www.steliko.com/bleedinghearts.
Email feedback to Aterovis@aol.com