This test will scientifically determine your pirate name based on responses to twenty questions. Try to answer as truthfully as possible, since the test is only as accurate as you make it.

When you talk about yourself in the third person, do you say "she" or "he"?

"She."
"He."

What's your favorite color?

Do others often call you things like "odd" or "eccentric" or "a raving psychotic"?

Never. I'm as normal as they come.
Only the raving psychotics.
Occasionally, but those people are boring.
Yeah, it's been known to happen.
I have padding on my walls.

Do others fear your mad business skills?

Yes, but only the people I'm trying to help.
I don't have much of a head for business.
Some do.
Ever since that second article in Fortune.
Bill Gates and Ted Turner have nightmares about me.

What kind of a leader are you?

I'd get lost in my own museum.
I'm a born follower.
I can lead if I have to.
Things seem to go a little better when I'm in charge.
I took charge of my family five minutes after birth.

Are you tough?

Tough like warm butter.
Tough like a tender breast of chicken.
Tough like a well-done steak.
Tough like leather.
Tough like Jack Palance on a bad day.

Bathe much?

What is this "bathing" thing everyone's always telling me about?
Once a week, whether I need it or not.
I've been known to skip a shower when I was in a hurry, but not often.
Daily.
Let's just say my feet are in tissue boxes and I've got really long fingernails.

How do you feel about a little bit of the old ultraviolence?

I'd never hurt another living creature. I have issues about hurting the grass when I walk on it.
I was in a fight once, but it was an accident.
I prefer to solve my problems through non-physical means, like bribery and cunning.
I'm a fighter, not a lover.
I routinely assault the elderly and indigent.

Be honest now. Do you think you're better than others?

Are you kidding? There are dogs that are better people than me.
Well, I guess there's some people worse than me.
I try not to judge, but I don't think I'm any better than most people.
I'm above average, yeah.
We are the paragon of humanity. You may worship us. From afar.

Do others consider you charming?

Like Jerry Lewis on a bad day.
My mother says I'm quite charming.
I'm well liked, I guess.
Phrases like "the pants off" have been known to apply.
I put James Bond to shame.