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After last night’s beating from the 76ers, the Lakers need your help more than ever

Hello, I’m Sarah McLachlan. Right now, the Lakers need you more than ever after what happened last night against 76ers. Your call says, I’m here to help. Please call, right now.

Ben Simmons and Joel Embiid should be locked up after the severe beatings they doled out over 48 minutes. It was so cruel, so brutal, the duo had to flee the state and the premises of their crime before local law enforcement officials could apprehend them.

I….I can’t watch this any longer. I’m sorry. ::sobs intermittently for 15 minutes into the microphone::

Please call. The Ball family needs our help now more than ever. A smile may never grace LaVar Ball’s swollen face ever again after last night. The Lakers need our help more than ever. Your call means everything.