I find Steven Wright quotes funny. Here are a few of them I found online. “Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.” “All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.” “OK, so what's the speed of dark?” “How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?” “Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.” “My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you?'” “Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"” “I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.” “I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.” “I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it it. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, ‘I think I might have written that’.” “I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious!” “My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.” “I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.” “I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.”

"How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?" - Sarchel Paige
"Beware the wolf in darkness born, his eyes of fire, his mein of scorn, his savage fell his rending claw, but most beware his crushing jaw." - Jon Anderson
"I want raging nights, dark and wild, lit only by the city, bonfires and cigarettes. I want sun-kissed mornings, breezy and free interrupted only by the voice of lovers and friends." - Unknown
"I love thunderstorms. Because sometimes nature can't handle the pressure. Because sometimes the sky explodes." - Unknown
"Take chances when you're young so that you can tell stories when you're old." - Unknown
"There are three yous, the you your family and friends know, the you your lover knows, and the you you know." - Kyla Jerry
"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
"The trouble with trouble is, it starts out as fun." - Unknown

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
- Groucho Marx

(bob and doug in the court room)
Bob McKenzie: I do.
Doug McKenzie: I do.
Bob McKenzie: I guess we're married Clark.
Doug McKenzie: Oh.
Bob McKenzie: Where's the honeymoon?
The Judge: Order, Order.
Bob McKenzie: Gimmie a toasted back bacon, hold the toast
Doug McKenzie: Don't make me laugh, eh.
The Judge: I remind you not to speak, until you are spoken to.
(i included this one just because it is very funny)

Be yourself, don't take anyone's ****, and never let them take you alive.
- Gerard Way

Your going to come across a lot of shitty bands, and a lot of shitty people. And if anyone of those people call you names because of what you look like, or because they don't accept you for who you are. I want you to look right at that motherf****r, stick up your middle finger, and scream F**K YOU!
- Gerard Way

Source(s): i included winston churchill quotes because they are just such good quotes, groucho marx is funny as jaevla, and the last one because its funny and gerard way because he has quite a few good quotes

"People treat movie theaters like their own home. And they treat their own home like a gas station bathroom, which is disgusting."
-Pvt Leonard Church (Red vs Blue)

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· just now

all you need is love. ~John Lennon (1940-1980)~

"Love doesn't make the world go round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile."~Elizabeth Browning~

"There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved."~George Sand~

"It takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and a lifetime to forget them."~Author Unknown~

Go within every day and find the
inner strength so that the world will
not blow your candle out.~Katherine Dunham

Words of Wisdom
I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.~Dawna Markova

The self is hidden in the deepest cave of
the heart.~The Upanishads

Words of Wisdom Daily Faith Affirmation
Begin with loss and see how
the world contradicts you,
How the horizon implies that beyond it
the water is not empty
but full of ships
all docking at another island.~Lynn Emanuel
%

I have the name of who said them for most, but a few I do not. Sorry. :)

~“We can only appreciate the miracle of a sunrise if we have waited in the darkness.”

~"When we lose the right to be different, we lose the privilege to be free.”

~“The moments of happiness we enjoy take us by surprise. It is not that we seize them, but that they seize us.”

~“By compassion, we make others’ misery our own, and so, by relieving them, we relieve ourselves as well.”

~“Love sees sharply, hatred sees even more sharp, but jealousy sees the sharpest for it is love and hate at the same time.”

~“Dying seems less sad than having lived too little.”

~"Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save." -Will Smith

~"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

~"After all these years I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her." -Mark Twain

~"Whatever I have tried to do in life, I have tried with all my heart to do it well; whatever I have devoted myself to, I have devoted myself completely; in great aims and in small I have always thoroughly been in earnest." -Charles Dickens

~"Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future." -John Fitzgerald Kennedy

~"Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away."

~"Try as hard as we may for perfection, the net result of our labors is an amazing variety of imperfectness. We are surprised at our own versatility in being able to fail in so many different ways."

~"The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want."