The Email

So after being fooled with duty sex, things have reverted to the way they were. Below is a copy of the email i left my wife recently.

PLEASE READ AND UNDERSTAND –

Since you won’t pick up the phone and you choose to play your usual little games of disrespecting me I am going to spell out a few realities to you that are long overdue. The real reason I took the luxuary car off you is because I am sick of your Volcanic Temper and Abusive Behaviour. Every day you are running me down or throwing some sort of insulting remark my way. Most days I just put up with it.

Your only responsibilities are to drop off the kids to school and pick them up and do some housework. For some reason you have problems getting them to school on time. When you were working and leaving home at 7am I used to get the kids ready myself and drop them off to school by 8.30am than drive to work.

From 9am – 3pm Monday - Friday you have 6 hours to yourself to do whatever you please. Hang out with your friends, go shopping, etc, I really don’t care. When I do care however is when you start bitching, and complaining about how hard your life is and giving me a hard time over responsibilities you can’t seem to time manage even though you have 6 hours to yourself 5 days a week.

I work full time and don’t get home until after 6pm. On the weekends I am with you and the kids. I don’t get any time to myself or to spend with my friends. You don’t see me complaining. Yesterday is a good example of what ****** me off. Even though you have every afternoon with the kids to sit down and do their homework for Friday’s marking you instead choose to wait until the Last Minute, Thursday Evening way after their bed time to do their homework. You then choose to ***** and give me a hard time about helping you with their homework. So even though I am tired from work I take one of our children aside and do her homework with them. This is not the only occasion. Similar scenarios have happened where you expect me to substitute tasks on your behalf when you can quite easily manage them yourself. Why is it you have all this free time on your hands but you expect me to do things you should be doing even though I work fulltime?

You really do have it easy but you can’t seem to realise that.

1. You have joint access to our money to spend however you please.
2. 95% of the time you drive the nicer of our two cars
3. You have plenty of free time on your hands when the kids are at school which you spend with your friends, shopping etc.

On the other hand you have become vain and waste money on beauty therapies, designer clothes, and sunglasses and other junk. The truth is I don’t care. I do care however when you monitor my spending, and insist on budget cuts on things I like and in most parts necessities. Despite these budget cuts you deem as necessary you want to travel to Thailand to have cosmetic work done wasting thousands of $$$$$. Like I said normally I wouldn’t care except that you insist on extreme and stupid budget cuts for the rest of us.

I am constantly and falsely accused of being up to no good. You claim I have no friends which is untrue. The reality is I cut down on spending time with them as putting up with your false accusations when I go out is just not worth it.

I know you are not going to like this but seriously it had to be said.

Ok so I have a different suggestion: is it possible she's not really that happy being a stay at home mom? That was me in my first marriage, it was not for me but every day my ex would be sure to let me know how "easy" I had it and how he'd love to have my life. He also got no sex (for other reasons as well). I now work full time and am a thousand times happier, and my husband gets plenty of sex. It's hard to be in the mood when you're miserable. Just a thought.

Slightly off topic, but I'll get on my soapbox anyhow. <br /><br />I know a couple where he spends freely and then often ob<x>jects to her (a SAHM) purchase of basic necessities for both the household and herself. <br /><br />One time she was telling me how tough it is, and I asked her "Why didn't you negotiate a better financial arrangement when the two of you got married?" She just looked at me like I had two heads. <br /><br />Next time: Marriage contract/cohab agreement.

{insert sarcasm tag here}<br />Punchbag, you really need to acquire and use some serious LART. <br /><br />This email is merely an ineffectual, barely bronze medal worthy whine. You don't point out what you want to see done, you do not ask for CHANGE, you don't name any consequences, you don't draw any lines in the sand. You merely whine about how she's not pulling her weight and how she's spending all your loot. If she couldn't see anything wrong with that before, then she won't see it now either. She'll just feel mildly annoyed that her punchbag of a husband has dared disturb the tranquility of her luxurious day.<br />{/sarcasm off}<br /><br />Better yet: get a lawyer to administer the LART. They have them all sorted and ready to go. And they are much more adept at applying them.

I've never liked emails for this kind of communication, and although I prepared many letters, never delivered them.<br /><br />What I wanted to say is that - frustration aside - you will get more of what you want if you have a laser-like focus on your purpose, and a fanatical assessment of whether or not your actions are congruent with that purpose. I suggest this email doesn't fall into that category - even if true, it's unlikely to result in behavioral change.<br /><br />The situation is basically confrontational, about a million miles away from a cooperative relationship - if that's your purpose. If your ob<x>jective is to split, having given her some home truths, then have at it.<br /><br />If you spend your time and energy on your purpose, you'll find you get there with somewhat less pain and certainly quicker than otherwise.

Wow!<br /><br />1. Put on bomb disposal protection-wear.<br />2. Trigger device.<br />3. Survey ensuing wreckage.<br />4. Shrug shoulders.<br />5. Move on to next challenge.<br /><br />Alternatively, cut out steps 1 to 4, and go straight to stage 5.<br /><br />I get your purpose. I get your entirely valid grievance and she clearly has lost perspective if she ever had it in the first place, but she doesn't care or she wouldn't be there in the first place. I would love for this to work for you, I really would, but I can't see how it will. In the event that it does I will be well and truly impressed. Keep us informed.

I gather your motive is to kill the marriage stone dead.<br /><br />That is probably a good idea. <br /><br />We could endlessly debate the "best" way of bringing about such an outcome (there seem to be "better" less acrimonious ways of achieving the split that you could have chosen) but your method will work, so if you are comfortable, then do it this way.<br /><br />You have, by now, seen a lawyer ?? and he has endorsed you method of scuttling the ship ??<br /><br />Tread your own path.

I am not one for email's or letters. In my experience the reciepient of them usually doesn't give a fu..ck and sees them as more of the bitching they have to put up with. <br /><br />As spoken to you on other occassions if you cant sit down amicably with your wife and sort out your marriage than it really is time you see a lawyer.<br /><br />Stay Strong & Good Luck

What is the main thrust of the letter? What is your purpose in sending this?<br /><br />Is it to simply vent or is there some behavorial changes you wish to take place.<br /><br />And if there are behavior changes you want to take place, what, specifically, would they be?<br /><br />What is her response to the letter - or did you even get a response?

More From People Who Live In a Sexless Marriage

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/victims-of-psychopaths-sociopaths/discussions/messages/16457808/page-6
Holy crap this is perfect how it describes why narcs and psychopaths refuse sex in relationship. I read the comments and there was a woman who describes how her partner...