Friday, December 24

I've been very good this year. I picked up my clothes almost every day. I tried really, really hard to be nice to my brother. I shared my blanket when cuddling with Mr. Man. I ate my vegetables. And I washed behind my ears.

All I want for Christmas is a new job. Something with good benefits. A regular work schedule. Preferably using my degree, but I won't hold you to that.

Wednesday, December 22

Hey! I know that posting videos is a pretty lame way of keeping "up to date" on a blog. However -- I literally just can't stop listening to this!!! The last 132 views are mine. Andy Sandberg is hubba hubba!! I love The Lonely Island!!

oh yeah... that's Jessica Alba... and Blake Lively.

"So this one's dedicated to them girls

who let us flop around on top of them!!"

Yup... That's us ladies. You know we let them flop all over us. And back again. And we love it. Dammit!

Sunday, December 19

I'm finally DONE shopping! Thanks goodness for internet shopping and expedited shipping!! My Holiday giving was nearly thwarted by my lack of unemployment fundage. Long story short, I've borrowed money from my mom to get everyone gifts, until I get paid next week. Yayyyyyy for debt! At least my mom doesn't charge me interest. But I do feel a tremendous amount of guilt for being a non-self sufficient adult. But that's neither here nor there.

My post today is about STOCKING STUFFERS! I came up with some pretty kick-ass relatively cheap ones, and wanted to share. I'm such a giver!! They're also great for last minute gift ideas for anyone you may have forgotten!

Walmart $2.40

I laughed OUT LOUD when I saw this.

Sears $6.50

Baggie holder. Great for freezing left overs, soups & sauces.

Target $4.50

Cups and balls, its the gift that keeps on giving!

Walgreens $6

Even Santa knows that hangovers are no joke.

Walmart - Pack of 4 for $9 (easy to split into FOUR gifts!)

Almost everyman appreciates BBQ sauce, and beer.

Target $6

Silicone brush works great for marinating, basting, brushing butter on corn or bread. Its AWESOME!

Target $2.50

Slinky's are awesome for any age!

I just gave one for a gift exchange and everyone was fighting over it!

Check out my super awesome Star Wars bedside table I made for my bro for Christmas. I'm so proud of my efforts I felt the need to share!

Vader drawers

don't judge my unfinished hardwood floors...

All it took was 4 old Star Wars posters, a used bedside table and a bottle of Mod Podge (the most versatile crafty stuff ever!)

Clean your table.

Fit and cut your posters to where you'd like to place them.

Dip posters in the sink so they're damp. This helps them adhere flat, and causes less bubbling (think applying wallpaper)

Use a small paint brush and apply Mod Podge to the surface, lay down and arrange your picture.

Press out air bubbles with damp wash cloth.

Apply a generous top coat of Mod Podge (don't worry, it dries clear).

Apply 2-4 more coats. Et, voilà! Très jolie!

This was such a super easy project! It took less than an hour. If you try this, I highly recommend using a table that has straight, squared edges. And use a razor blade instead of "trimming" with scissors. I messed up a few times cause my paper stretched a little bit once wet and pressed flat. I didn't follow the rule of "measure twice, cut once". Doh!

What's really funny is that his wife actually was the one who asked for a bed side table for Christmas. Too bad I had this planned out before I got her list!! O.o

Tuesday, December 7

As someone who has to participate in 3 (THREE!) White Elephant exchanges this year (not to mention the 2 "regular" gift exchanges) I was in need of some brilliant inspiration. Unlike some of my friends, I don't have a bevey previous years white elephant gifts to reuse. My friend has a "gorgeous" koi sculpture, that would be... a... centerpiece? ... kitchey bookend?... uhhhh... no idea. So needless to say its been the subject of regifting in her office for the last 6 years.

But for me, I want something awesome... and awful. But not like smelly gym socks awful, but "ohhhhhh my God where the HELL did you find THIS?! awful. After some careful research, this is what I've found, and want to pass the inspiration on to you dear friends :)

Best White Elephant Gifts:

1. Hubcaps for a car no one owns

2. SpamPreferrably a giant Costco or Sam's Club size

3. Fake chest hair4. Toilet seat

Tell me this isn't AWESOME!?!

5. The Clapper

6. Edible underwear

7. Old bowling pin

(most bowling alley's will sell old ones for $2-5)

8. A six-pack of really cheap beer.

9. A tourism guide book to Detroit

Or other comparable, un-touristy place

10. Wasabi Lip Balm

www.perpetualkid.com/wasabi-lip-balm

11. Dirt Scented Purfume

12. An Old Calendar

Believe it or not, you can reuse them! Google "when my 1998 calendar be good again" and you can find out that its good again in 2036!!

Sunday, November 28

I finally, FINALLY FINALLY all moved in! And I finally have internet! I'm sure you've all been there. Having moved in, but pacing the floor patiently waiting for the comcast guy to come, to get the internet and cable tv all set up. This must be what a heroin addict feels like, needing a fix. GIMME MY FIX CABLE MAN!!

Whew. The hard part is over now.

So I hope you all had a lovely holiday weekend. We had a big family dinner which is always interesting. Laughing, talking, lots of drama, whispering in one room, filling wine glasses in the next. Ohhhhh family. Isn't passive aggressiveness FUN!?! We took it fairly easy on the wine this year (as opposed to last Christmas when we drank 23 bottles of wine and there were 14 guests, two of whom were children and didn't drink and two were DD's and didn't drink... you do the math! WHOOP!) We did however have a turkey, a ham, elk roast and ANOTHER turkey. Seriously. We were worried about not having any leftovers. WRONG. Oh and not to mention the 15 pounds of mashed potatoes and SEVEN pies. We didn't even touch 2 of them. Ahhh!

On to other news, I now live with two kitties. The cutest kitties I have ever seen. Not so much that they are fluffy and adorable, but that they're INSANE and CRAZY and I love that about them. They are so entertaining :) I've re-named them (because I have no idea what they're names were before) Mischief and Mayhem. And boy do they live up to their names. I have video of Mischief chasing his tail in a tupperware tub. Too funny. But the best part is my mouser Mayhem. He's taken to playing in the bathtub. He likes to play with his fake mousies in the tub, flipping them up and around and pouncing on them. I think he likes that the shower curtain keeps them contained.

So anywhoodle... Cut to Saturday morning... 6:30 am...

*thump*
*thump thump*
*thud*
*thump*
*thud thud*

Sure enough. Mayhem. In the tub. With an actual dead mouse. Throwing it into the air, and attacking it. Kinda gross and kinda awesome at the same time. I let him play with it for another 30 minutes before I disposed of it. With tongs. LONG ass tongs.

Oh yeah. You guessed it. A LIVE mouse. Fucking alive, in my bathtub. Holy crap. I tried to get him to kill it. Meanwhile the other cat kept trying to worm in, and Mischief would grooooooooowl at him. Too funny. And again, kinda gross. I really felt bad for that poor mouse. Panting and panting. Kinda giving up on life, and yet still fighting. I don't have the heart to kill it. So I got my "mouse tongs" which have been officially repourposed and will never again touch food, and remove said victim and take it outside to the burning barrel. Hopefully he died quickly, cause I know there was no hope for the poor little guy.

And thus I leave you. Hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend! And hopefully I'll be around a little more again! Love you all!

And here's a special shout out to Dr. Monkey VonMonkerstein, whom I totallyforgot to invite to my pretend blog party. OF COURSE you'd be invited!! I'm sorry I was in a rush when addressing my pretend invitations. I just assumed you'd get the invite on facebook ;D
*smooches*

1) Be polite and smile your brains out, but let the bartender flirt first. Always provide a number, never ask for one.

2) Decide what you will order on the drive to the bar. Eye contact is key, never wave money to get attention.

3) Vodka and Coke? That better be a joke.

4) If a song is longer than five minutes, save it for the black lights and the basement. If the song is Meatloaf, congrats on your gender reassignment surgery. Your mother and I still love you just the same.

5) Buy someone a drink because you want to drink with that person. It’s a sign of respect and enjoyment. Never do it for the sake of reciprocation and never expect something in return.

6) “Sorry, I was drunk,” is never an excuse. Ever.

7) Never get to the point of throwing up. If it accidentally happens, it better be in the bar bathroom. If you’re in the bathroom, always in the toilet - never in the sink or urinal. If there is mess in any way, shape or form, grab a mop. It is nobody’s job to clean up your bodily fluids. Did your friend throw up? Someone in your party is responsible for clean-up.

8) Friends can talk friends out of driving when they shouldn’t. Real friends listen.

Reoccurring problem? Reevaluate your friendship.

9) Blended drink? You better have sand between your toes, mister.

10) A proper White Russian is made at home. Never trust bar dairy.

11) There is no shame in getting punched if you are conspicuously trying to break up a fight. Fight between two women? Tread lightly, your role could get misconstrued. Additionally, it would be wise to head to another establishment.

12) Never bet on pool.

13) Did they turn up the lights? Go home. Don’t offer to help stock or clean; it looks desperate and you are probably getting in the way.

14) No politics. No religion.

15) It is safer to lick a urinal cake than it is to eat bar-top snack mix.

16) Always know the ingredients. Shots have many different names and chances are that the bartender doesn’t know what it is outside of the normal realm of shots (Bend Me Overs, Red Snappers, et al). If you give him/her the ingredients, there is a strong chance that they even know how to portion it correctly based off of the ingredients chosen. Lots of mixers? You better be ordering a round for the table and not an individual shot.

17) Never drop a drink into a drink. Never light anything on fire. Never slam your shot glass on the bar.

18) Alcohol doesn’t do certain things to certain people. If somebody claims that tequila makes them violent, it’s because they’re a violent person. Simple as that.

19) Make your own toasts. Sentimentality is good. Honesty is good. Poignant is good. Repeating what somebody else said is a quote, not a toast.

Monday, November 22

Waaaaay too late to be polite... here's a list of questions and answers from the New German Girl (P.S. I love her, if you haven't read her, you must must MUST!)

1. If you could give your readers one piece of advice, what would it be?Write for yourself. You're never going to make everyone happy. I started my blog to keep friends and family posted on my life, without having to send out mass emails. Obviously its evolved a bit since then, but I still write for myself. Post as often as I like, about things that I like. Its the best way you'll stick with it, and honestly earn more readers because you're being who you really are as opposed to being a phoney boloney.

2. Name the three things that you love the most about your life.
--I love getting paid to do nothing (ahhhhhh the beauty of unemployment insurance)
--I know someone everywhere. Having lived around the country, I can find someone to get a beer with, or crash on their couch, in nearly every state!
--I have good looks AND personality. Whoop!!

3. If you could switch places with any one of your friends or family members for one day, who would you choose and why?
I honestly like my life as is (most days) and wouldn't switch my life with anyone's! Cheesey? Who cares! :)

4. What is one trend that you wish didn’t exist or that had never caught on?I can only pick one?! Today, I'd say jeggings. I'm sorry. Wear skinny jeans. Wear leggings. Jeggings are just hybrid idiot looking pants.

5. Name three inventions you consider to be ingenious.
fermentation (beer... DUH!)
the internet (Thanks Al Gore!!)
Q-tips

6. At your funeral, you want people to remember you as…Fun loving, caring and loyal. I have no spouse or children, so my brother gets my life insurance, and the instructions are to have a giant party, in my honor. Wake style. Lots of booze, food, music, telling awesome Anne stories.

7. If you could be famous, what would you like to be famous for and what celebrities would be in your posse?
Being Awesome.
The cast of How I Met Your Mother and Betty White. That's how we roll.

This ain't my First Rodeo

I am random & spastic & very sarcastic. A 30-something world traveler, beer afficianado, Snowboarder, golfer, a sunburn getter, college football fan. A Drunk texter, BBQ master. Your morning Barista and evening dinner Server. Once desribed as "Tragedy and hilarity all wrapped up in a vulnerable delivery." I am McGriddle Pants.