To massage or not to massage: Ah, there's the rub

My 25-year-old boyfriend, Greg Henry, doesn’t know what an emo band is, and I’m not exaggerating. He listens to cassettes of Merle Haggard and Waylon Jennings. He keeps a Mossberg 12-gauge shotgun next to his bed and he only owns eight pairs of shoes. Before he met me, he only owned four. He refuses to wax his eyebrows and every cologne I’ve tried to spray on him, from Ralph Lauren to Calvin Klein, he insists isn’t masculine-smelling enough. So you could imagine the look on his face when I told him we were going for a couples massage at the Seven Seas Aveda Spa and Salon at Newport Beachside Hotel and Resort. The newly renovated spa, which features 11 treatment rooms and a calm, blue, Zen-like atmosphere, was once a nightclub where Jimi Hendrix and Ike and Tina Turner hung out.

Greg: “Is it going to be like in Dumb and Dumber, when they got the massage and Jeff Daniels gets up and starts massaging his masseuse?”

Joanie: “Yeah, it’s gonna be exactly like that. But I don’t want you to worry. We’re not getting any plant peels or body wraps.”

Greg: “What’s a plant peel?”

Joanie: “Never mind. Just pretend you got hurt playing football and instead of getting rubbed with Bengay it’s with Aveda oils.”

Greg: “What are Aveda oils?”

Joanie: “Never mind. [Dear God, help me.]”

When we arrived at the spa, Greg and I were assigned to private locker rooms and given robes. Ten minutes later, Greg still hadn’t come out of the locker room. Did he think the treatment was going to take place in there? I enlisted a masseur to go in and check on him, where he found Greg playing with the electronic keypad on his locker.

Soon, a man and a woman were assigned to do our massages. “Do you have a preference on who does your massages?” the receptionist asked.

I immediately chimed in: “He’s a spa virgin. Make sure he gets the woman. He’s going to freak if a guy touches him.”

As we entered the treatment room to lie on the tables, Greg shot me a confused look and asked, “Where is your shirt?” I explained to him that you can keep your underwear on, but you’re supposed to remove your clothes, get on the table, slide under the sheet and just wait for the massage therapist to come back into the room.

During the massage, I occasionally glanced over at Greg, who appeared to be asleep. Fifty minutes later, he got up from the table looking relaxed.

Joanie: “Did you like it?”

Greg: “That guy didn’t rub your boobs did he?”

Joanie: “Of course not.”

Greg: “OK, I loved it.”

The Newport Beachside Hotel and Resort is located at 16701 Collins Ave., in Miami Beach. Call 800-327-5476 or visit Newportbeachsideresort.com.

BOY-TOX Most men, excluding my boyfriend, have experienced some type of grooming ritual, such as manicures and eyebrow-shaping. Some men, however, are taking it to another level. Over the past few years, South Florida dermatologist Diane Walder has noticed a significant increase in men seeking cosmetic procedures.

“Reports show that one in five Botox patients are male,” Walder says. “We’re calling it Boy-tox. Cosmetic procedures have become more of a status symbol now. While men sometimes come in with their wives or girlfriends to get treatments, they’re not bringing along their buddies. Most men aren’t interested in letting people know they’re doing it. But they do love when people tell them how great they look afterward, and that keeps them coming back.”

While Walder has given Botox injections to men in their 80s, she has many male patients in their 20s and 30s. “A lot of my patients have lines from frowning,” Walder explains. “They get it from scrunching their faces and it has nothing to do with damage from the sun. The lines are from facial movement. As we get older, our elastic tissues degrade and creases form, but some lines develop when we’re kids. Getting this treatment at a younger age will actually prevent lines from being permanent.”

When administering Boy-tox, Walder takes a different approach than she does with her female patients. “I’ll look at a guy’s face and say, ‘Let me clear this up,’ and they seem to respond to that well,” says Walder, who often lends her medical expertise to magazines such as Vogue, Cosmopolitan, Allure and Glamour. “While women focus more on smoothing out crow’s feet, most men are reducing wrinkles between their eyes and deep creases in their foreheads.”

Because of the variety of ages and lifestyles of the men who come in for these shots, including corporate titans and dudes on the prowl, Walder is always thinking of creative ways to pitch the procedure to potential clients.

“Maybe we could do a day of Boy-tox and baseball or perhaps Boy-tox to help with your poker face,” she offers.

I’m rooting for a red-carpet affair. We could call it Bowties and Botox.

BUMPED AROUND No woman wants to be the biggest girl at the party, but I recently attended a party that left me feeling seriously left out. On May 6 at the W Fort Lauderdale, Amy Tara Koch celebrated the release of her bookBump It Up, a guide to looking chic during pregnancy. More than 20 fashion designers contributed sketches to the book, including Isaac Mizrahi and Donna Karan. I was among the few women in attendance not with child.

I attended the event with my very pregnant friend Lauren Sweeney. [Full disclosure: Sweeney is the wife of City Link associate editor Dan Sweeney. Rumors that their unborn son was the second coming of the Christ child could not be confirmed at presstime.] As the women around me snacked on red-velvet cupcakes from Stella’s Sweet Shoppe and fried pickles while chatting about baby names, breast pumps and strollers, I was bummed that the only thing in my stomach was cappuccino and a protein bar.

Sweeney, who had met Koch earlier in the day at the hotel’s Bliss spa, introduced me to the beaming, blonde author. The Chicago-based journalist has also written for the Chicago Tribune, Vogue España and Daily Candy. “When I wrote this book, I wanted to do something unconventional,” Koch said. “Instead of a traditional book-signing, I wanted to do a preggo-pampering soirée.”

At the event, models walked around in Koch-approved maternity fashions. “The No. 1 pregnancy fashion faux pas is lack of proportion,” Koch said. “An oversize shirt with baggy pants just makes you look and feel like you’re hiding. I call it schlubbification.”

Koch’s top maternity style tip is to wear heels. “Do not be afraid to wear heels and literally take yourself out of the preggo dumps,” she advised. “Wearing long necklaces or scarves instead of short ones makes you look long and lean. Wear long earrings instead of dainty studs to draw attention to your neck, and when you’re pregnant, always carry a large handbag.”

Although I’ve never been pregnant, I found many of the tips in Koch’s book also could be used to make heavyset women appear thinner.

The highlight of the night was Koch’s comments on a pregnant model dressed in a vintage Missoni scarf and clothing by Abi Ferrin. “She’s fierce, fashionable, she looks totally sexy, and she’s knocked up,” Koch said.

Now, if only we could convince manorexic Chanel designer Karl Lagerfeld, who shed 92 pounds existing on fish soufflé and quail flambé. I’ve dissed his absurd and unhealthy book The Karl Lagerfeld Diet in the past and I’m not afraid to do it again.

Even though Lagerfeld recently shot pregnant supermodel Claudia Schiffer for the June cover of German Vogue, last year he told British news outlet The Independent, “No one wants to see curvy women.”