Valentine’s Day Won’t Save A Rocky Relationship

Valentine’s Day Won’t Save A Rocky Relationship

The one day out of the year when men feel pressure to create a romantic, unforgettable evening and women are usually disappointed because it doesn’t meet their overindulgent expectations.

One local marriage mentor and life coach feels that Valentine’s Day emphasizes the differences between symbolism and substance in a relationship.

“A lot of people rely on symbolism in their relationship; they show up and do the right thing,” said the Rev. Marty Sloan, senior pastor at Harvest Time, adding that the candy, flowers and other gestures exchanged on Friday would be considered symbols. “Those are all good, but if the substance isn’t there — a solid structural foundation on which to build the relationship — then it will not sustain long-term.”

Sloan explained that a wedding ring can be a symbol in a marriage, but if the ring is lost, the spouse is still married. “Symbols have to reflect a deeper … substance for them to be effective,” he said.

Valentine’s Day may be but one day on a calendar, but relationship experts say don’t rely on the “day of love” to save a rocky marriage or long-term relationship.

Linda Nusbaum, a former award-winning journalist-turned-licensed marriage and family therapist, said Valentine’s Day creates a “palpable pressure and too-high expectations” for both parties in a relationship.

“Women often feel hopeful and build expectations of what they believe will make them feel loved, and men feel pressure … to buy the right gift and make their date happy,” Nusbaum said in a news release. “But no one really knows the rules, and because expectations are seldom set properly, there are often misunderstandings and devastating disappointments.”

Nusbaum said Valentine’s Day is just one day, and that one day is not enough to heal over old rifts in a marriage.

“A marriage on the rocks will still be there tomorrow no matter how large the bouquet of roses is or no matter how much money is spent on dinner,” she added. “New experiences, like a great Valentine’s Day, do not erase the troubles that came before.”

Nusbaum said couples should stop relying on what the media tell people they should buy, wear, drink and eat on Valentine’s Day, and instead make Friday a day of recognizing their partner in life by celebrating those small moments they both cherish.

Couple scholars and therapists Brent Bradley and James Furrow agree with Nusbaum that it’s the small moments — or unique rituals — that partners develop and nurture over the course of their life together that make a relationship meaningful.

Even so, boxes of chocolates, flowers and dinner are on tap for many couples this Valentine’s Day. And while these tokens of love are nice gestures that will be appreciated, these gifts pale in comparison to the little moments repeated over and over all year long, according to Bradley and Furrow, who co-authored “Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy for Dummies.”

“There’s nothing wrong with big romantic gestures like Valentine’s Day gifts, but really, they’re just a start,” Bradley, president of The Couple Zone, a center for counseling and research in Houston, said in a news release. “What couples need are regular shared activities to create memories, stories and experiences.”

Whether it’s a regular date night or a weekly tennis match, these events, when repeated over time, can provide a deeper sense of unity and mark what’s unique about a couple.

“It’s so critical to make time for rituals,” added Furrow, a professor of marital and family therapy at Fuller Graduate School of Psychology and executive director of the Los Angeles Center for EFT. “People think they can’t because they’re working 60 hours or shuttling kids around 24/7, but many rituals take very little time. You just need to be intentional and commit to them. They give meaning to your relationship in a way that no culturally sanctioned gift given on a manufactured ‘holiday’ ever could.”

Sloan concurs that having routines, rituals or patterns are not all bad.

“We have cooking routines and cleaning routines and meal-planning routines. How important is scheduling in parenting?” Sloan explained. “For some reason, we’re afraid that routines are a bad thing in a relationship and that planning takes away the spontaneity.”

But Sloan said intentional planning for dates, communication sessions and even intimacy are healthy for relationships.

“Disciplines are healthy for living and healthy for relationships,” Sloan said.

Bradley and Furrow offer a few examples of rituals couples might try, like saying hello and goodbye; making time for hugs, handholding and sex; and investing in “relationship activities.”

Greeting rituals can be an important and brief way of communicating love and dedication to a partner.

“These repeated gestures of importance can be as simple as a hug, kiss or special word or phrase used when saying hello or goodbye,” Bradley explained, adding that couples could even create a secret handshake. “Some couples develop more elaborate or distinctive ways that signal to one another that they’re special. The key is that the gestures are consistent — they become part of a couple’s own language of love.”

Furrow said making love is an important ritual of connection, and that sexual contact in a relationship of care, trust and vulnerability communicates a deep level of intimacy.

“Of course, you don’t always have to have sex to show affection,” Furrow added. “Everyday moments of sharing physical affection, like hugging, kissing and holding hands, show partners that they’re important and special. Deliberate acts of affection are subtle and effective reminders of care and kindness and a demonstration that you hold a special place in each other’s life.”

Couples who have strong levels of dedication through relationship activities are more likely to appear happier, more open and have less conflict in their relationships. The relationship activities could be reading a book on relationships for new ideas on growth and improvement or attending a workshop or retreat for couples to spend time away to focus on each other and strengthen the commitment.

“Other couples find less formal opportunities to focus on their relationship,” Furrow explained. “David and Joy have a commitment to spend one weekend a year discussing their relationship. They call it their ‘summit,’ and they use the time to discuss the year ahead and important decisions they need to make as a couple. On one of the nights, they give themselves a relationship ‘checkup.’ Each person has time to talk about his or her joys, concerns and needs.”

Sloan said that it is important for relationships to be groomed, just like people groom their hair or clean the house or weed the flower bed.

“When you suggest to someone to manicure a relationship or take an objective look at a marriage, it gets very defensive,” Sloan said, adding that acknowledging one can improve on aspects of the relationship is a first step in the right direction. “Most fixes aren’t as far apart as we think they are.”

This Valentine’s Day, take stock of the rituals that have marked a relationship and discuss new rituals that the couple can commit to as the year goes on.

“The good thing about Valentine’s Day is that it forces people to think about their relationship,” Bradley said. “Where many go wrong is that on Feb. 15 they fall back into their old oblivious or self-centered patterns.

“No one is saying you must dazzle your partner with gifts every day of the year … but you do need to make a mindful connection regularly,” he added. “That’s what rituals are. And the good news is that making the effort is its own reward.”