Biography

Schaffer the Darklord (or STD) is a New York City-based rapper and comedian with material best-suited for brainy and/or drug-addled audiences. With manic energy, verbose vocabulary and cartoonishly commanding stage presence, STD skewers such topics as religious zombies, sci-fi sex fantasies, grammar snobbery and obsessive cat-enthusiasts. Imagine a Frankenstein-esque monster assembled from equal parts Bill Hicks, Eminem, Prince, Ozzy Osbourne and Darth Vader, stitched together inside the shell of a maniacal heavy metal ex-patriot. STD has released three full-length albums and toured the country with mc chris, MC Frontalot and MC Lars. When he's not on the road, he guest hosts countless burlesque events. He also co-produces and co-hosts his own nerdy, themed production, EPIC WIN Burlesque. His releases (2004's "Meet My Maker," 2007's "Mark of the Beast" and 2009's "Manslaughterer") have been treated to steady sales and second pressings, and the music video for his single "The Rappist" has garnered a half million views on YouTube. STD continues to write, record and perform with great frequency and has no intention of giving up until his masochist rock-n-roll lifestyle destroys him.

I don’t dance never not a goddamn chanceI stand in the back clutching a cup in my stanceOne hand in my pocket head nodding hunched overSipping cheap yellow beer, clear out before the show’s over

When a rapper says “throw your hands up” I don’t And when a rapper says “make some noise” I won’tBossing your audience is awfully pompousSo I’ll never do it, that’s the STD promise

And I’ll never battle rap or act like I’m blackAnd I’ll try to never lose sight of just where I’m atGoddammit - and I’ll never do THAT againAnd by “that” I mean end a sentence with a preposition

But I got props for the real hip hopThose who pop-n-lock to the beat of a boom boxThose who cock their glocks and bawk “Fuck the cops.”It’s just not how I rock, and I don’t stop

Everybody - Look at me - Who’s he? - He’s STDHe’s a geek he’s no MC who the hell’s he supposed to be?And he’s so - I don’t know - but I know he’s no rapper, and that’s when I go

Don’t push me cuz I’m close to the edgeAnd I’m trying not to lose my head (uh-huh huh huh huh)In the west I’m the raddest I’m the best I’m the rappistIn the street I’ve not a drop of cred (I said)

I almost always write my rhymes on a pageOf 3x5 notebooks I buy at Rite AidAnd I like to write them with a Pilot Precise 5Rolling ball black ink in extra fine

I don’t need a tititular lineI try to stick to the theme and write original rhymesIndeed I smoke weed I rarely write without itBut I don’t really feel that means I need to rap about it

I guess I often write a song by my formulaWhich is 3 verses followed by 3 chorusesBut never open going “yo yo”When I hear rappers do that I go “oh no”

Though I’m not implying that you don’t know what you’re doingBut oftentimes awful rhymes do ruinAn otherwise perfectly fine instrumentalI think you should avoid ink and write with a pencil

And erase the parts that don’t sound so hotThis’ll all be covered when you take my workshopEntitled “This is how to write a rhyme”At least it’s how to write it in the style that’s mine

Everybody - Look at me - Who’s he? - He’s STDHe’s a geek he’s no MC who the hell’s he supposed to be?And he’s so - I don’t know - but I know he’s no rapper, and that’s when I go

Woo-woo that’s the sound of the policeBut I really doubt they’re coming for meCuz I’ve done no crime I’m just doing my thing I’m the rappist known as STD

Don’t call it hip hop, because it really isn’tIt’s a little bit different did you listen as I did it?I just spit a mile a minute, now I’ll hit it and quit itI’m only kidding, you with it? you in it? you get it?

Well I’m not the baddest or the fastest or the phattestBut my name is STD, my people call me the rappist

Bass -

Revenge of Attack of the Clonef*cker

Written By: Schaffer the Darklord

I’ve seen the future...so bright, I gotta wear shadesAnd it’s hotter than Hades, and everyone’ll have AIDSAnd robot brigades at war with the humansMachine against man, and the planet’s in ruins

But by then we will have mastered the craft Of creating clone soldiers so we don’t haveTo come out of hiding fighting, and we just might outlastThis battle without time travel back to the past

But as some of the cloners grow olderNarcissistic fiends like me will take overAnd once I’m trained, unsupervised and aloneI’m gonna fuck my clone

My sci-fi fantasy will begin innocentlyMaking these clones that look just like me will get boringAnd so I’ll get curious and horny

And I’ll sneak one of my clones back to my roomIn a janitor’s basket hidden in with the broomsI’ll clean him up and dress him, and I’ll make him look sharpHe’s so goddamn cute I think I’ll name him Mark

Oh my! Look at my new toy!He’ll be my best friend, lover and house boyAnd we’ll take it slow the first timeThen I’ll do whatever whenever I want cuz he’s mine

I’ll ply him with liquor, but just little sipsAnd oh, how I’ll love to kiss his big lucisous lipsEven though he’s a guy and even though I’m not gayI’m so vain I’ll be fucking my own clone all day

Both are top and bottom, on my knees I’ll realizeThat from down here it really is a good sizeGet down to business, kiss and touch then switchand I can call him “bitch”

CHORUS:Clonefucker, it’ll be like humping a mirrorOh won’t you touch me right here, I’ll whisper into my earSick and addicted like so many are to power or wealthThe clonefucker will chuckle, knucklehead, go fuck yourself

And doesn’t that sound fun?Then I’m done take a break, and I’ll make another oneThen I’ll have two clones, what’ll I do?I’ll have Mark watch as I break in Mark 2

And we hum, it’ll be an all-me threesomeSucking and fucking till all three cumAnd in between sessions we’ll restMark will rub my feet I’ll shave Mark 2’s chest

Now you might think I’m a freak that’s real luckyCuz my clones don’t speak they only moan and say “fuck me”And I’ll never have to date ‘em or break up I’ll dress em how I like and make ‘em all wear make-up

All clones are supposed to remain virginsBut mine will be exposed to all kinds of perversionsI’ll make dirty videos of my clonesBut I’ll have to watch them with them cuz I’m never alone

It’ll be me watching me fucking me and also meOn the TV screen you see that’s 12 of me, do you?Cuz on the couch there’s also me fucking me and meAnd watching the tv and there’s a mirror in the room too

This many’s not plenty so one dayI’ll make a third clone and bring him home and call him TreyHe’ll be handsome, the others are cuteI’ll dress that dapper little bastard in my suit

Now with three they’ll be less like toysThey’ll start to learn and think, and when they’re bored they’ll make noiseSo I’ll have to keep them busy and plenty entertainedIt’s a hardcore darklord gangbang

One’s from behind, and one’s in my faceAnd the third is jerking off patiently while he waitsAnd we’ll have to keep it up all night in spite of the moaningSo I can wear them out before work in the morning

By now my little secret will have grown to compulsionAround my fellow cloners I’ll have boners all bulgingAnd my boss will start to think I’m a prickCuz I’ll always be home calling in sick

CHORUS:

Now in the future cloners won’t make much moneyAnd with all of my time off, it won’t even be funnyFlat-ass broke with no hope for loansUnable to feed ME...let alone my clones

And the first one won’t be looking so hotHe’s skinny and pale and malnourished and whatnotThe oldest of 8 brothers living togetherIn a tiny little future room and worse for the weather

And the room will stink of piss, shit, sweat and cumAnd some of the clones unbathed are covered in scumAnd I’ll wonder if none of this could ever be doneAnd I’ll have to lose some before I make another one

My fucked up clones won’t have a chance in societyMixing in with the clone forces battling mightilyCould you imagine them at war with the botsOn the battlefield sucking one another’s cocks?

And so I’ll panic in the mess that I’ve gotI won’t want to return them, I won’t want to get caughtAnd since I won’t want to be remembered a villainI’ll decide the best solution is select a few and kill ‘em

I’ll smother one of ‘em while I’m fucking himSo the others don’t notice nothing ugly or somethingThen later I’ll drag him into the bathroom and lock itAnd cut him into pieces with the knife in my pocket

Then toss the parts of his body in boxesAnd later toss the boxes in the garbage compartmentsI’ll need to get a couple more up out my apartmentBefore I make some more - I know it sounds alarming!

By the time I get three disposedThe room will smell of bodies all decomposedCuz I’ll be kee

Cat People

Written By: Schaffer the Darklord

My Cat People, throw your paws in the air - Meow Meow Meow MeowAnd wave them all around, but do it like you care - Meow Meow Meow Meow

Here kitty kitty here kitty kitty hereLittle kitty licks her front paw washes her earTickle on her whisker little cat’ll attackGrab your wrist with the front claws kick with the backAnd she can swipe like THIS - (Whisssh!)Back off an attacker with a HISS - (Hssss!)And the kitty’s moaning owns ya Oh no, did you know there’s ammonia in her PISS - (Psssss!)Let me stroke your fur, let me hear you purr, kitty catOh my god, you’re so cute, dammit, look at thatArching your back high, flashing the cat eyeFighting with mice with nine lives like you’ll never die For some our cats are less like pets than our kidsAnd we worship them like the ancient Egyptians did, and we are...

(Chorus:)Cat People - Meow Meow MeowRight now, all the kitties in the house, show the fangs in your mouth as you pounce on a mouse, we are...Cat People - Meow Meow MeowWith their little bitty claws on their little kitty paws get down with a round of applause, for my...Cat People - Meow Meow MeowGood god, we’re odd, no dogs allowed, but we’re proud and we meow it loud, we’re...Cat People - Meow Meow MeowRub ‘em like you love ‘em right nowAnd all my bitchy little kitties say “Meow.”

Petting on my pussy like he wanted me, wanted me toDo you do what you cat wants you to do, sure you doCuz our cats control our actions and they run this systemOur homes really belong to them we just live with them

Four story cat tree stands in the cornerOf the home of the owner holding a laser pointerLittle bag of cat nip fast to attract themPost for the action, attack with the scratchingActing like a captain as they pace in the placeMaking biscuits in your lap with their ass in your faceBreak-Hit the sack, 10-hour cat napFeline makes a beeline for your lapBut when you leave and come home, you’re all aloneCuz kitty’s out the cat door, listen for moansOh no, no note by the phone or the dishLittle kitty never licked the liver, chicken or fishLeave the ball of yarn, all in the yard for the breedingAs all the cat people in here hearing this beat are in heat and we are...

(Chorus)

Not all cat people belong to the same teamWhat I mean is that not all of us are quite what we seemYou see, all of us inside have beating hearts that are warmBut some of have powers into cats we transform

Under a full moon or a quarter moon or a half moonIn a bad mood with bad breath yes cat foodLike werewolves but wolves are dogsAnd we’re cats so we’re sleeky sneaking in through the fogAnd we all have a little pink buttSo now tell me what you think of that - What?Playing with our own cats as catsThat’s a fact, together in packs we can track ratsWe can play real mean chase each other up a screenOr a tree or play sweet and even lick each other cleanRavenous animals act a little wildAnd we do it like humans, kitty-styleFighting and fucking and hunting and sleepingAnd breeding and eating and killing and that’sWhat we do when we’re kitties next morning we’re humanWe laughed and we cried it was better than Cats

(Chorus)

The Way You Talk

Written By: Schaffer the Darklord

I don't like the way that you're talking to meBut I don't really mind what you're sayingMy back will be turned to the words that you speakUntil you find a way to properly convey them

People the way that you talkIs often so very embarrassing it's time that it stoppedOur generation sounds like a bunch of dumb kidsWho grew up but still talk like a bunch of dumb kids

It's time that we unite it's due time that we fightDeterioration of our communication tonightI call upon us all to stand tall in our heartsAnd stop talking like morons here's where we start

When typing an email please be aware that thereAre three different forms of the word pronounced "there"And if you dare misuse one in a letter bewareI will delete you from my friends list like I just don't care

The first is spelled "T-H-E-Y-apostrophe-R-E"It's a contraction of the noun "they" and the verb "are" you see"T-H-E-I-R" is a possessive pronoun when You want to say that "they" possess it or it belongs to "them"

And "T-H-E-R-E" is an adverb with directionWhich oftentimes is used to modify a prepositionWith practice you can learn to use all three in a sentenceFor example "they're in there with their bear" there I said it

And the thing I hate most that gets me so pissedAre people adults who talk like thisLike everything's a question with such indecisionYou sound like a little kid speak with some conviction

And speaking of questions you needn't announce oneBy stating the word first before you pop out oneBecause when you say "question: what is the story?"I'll reply "answer: that is annoying"

And like please don't like overuse the word "like"Unless you're like ten and like talking about your new bike"Like" is an adverb it's used to compare thingsLike "when you say 'like' so much you sound like a prom queen"

"You know what I mean? You know? You know what I mean?"Ugh! Stop asking me that I'll stop and ask if need beAnd please don't reply with "that's what I'm talking about"When I'm talking because actually that's what I'm talking about

Please refrain from typing messages in all capsPlease cease abbreviating "happening" to "haps"Stop with the fake words like "guestimates" and "factoids"And never use more than one exclamation point

Enough with the quote fingers I get it the toneOf your voice and your choice of expression aloneShould suffice to imply that you're being sarcasticYou're only slowly down a boring story with a hand trick

And you've got to stop using the word "gay"The way you describe a dislike like when you say"That's such a gay car this song is so gay"Are you in middle school you little fool act your age ok?

Annunciate articulate and say what you meanAnd speak up so I can hear you but you don't need to screamDon't talk with your mouth full and don't interrupt meAnd if you say "end of story" then I will leave abruptly

All of these lazy and unnecessary phrasesMake us seem so very dated almost as though we're half our agesTry to make a change and maybe then in the endWe can be friends but until then

(CHORUS)

Nerd Lust

Written By: Schaffer the Darklord

Ladies and gentlewomen lend me your earI love every last one of you I want to be clearIt doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m some fetishist freakBut if I had to pick a favorite it’d have to be geeks

Oh those nerdy girls those oh so purdy girlsThe wordy girls the love-a-joke-only-if-it’s-dirty girlsThe flirty girls the blue jeans and t-shirty girlsThe Bert & Ernie girls the pearls of the world

I see you in every venue city and stateYou’re often awfully awkward baby I can relateWhen I play Cat People live and in your townYou’re the one in the crowd howlin’ “meow meow meow”

Tell my about your kitties do they fill you with laughter?Which cartoon characters did you name them after?Your house is full of stacks of DVDs and CDsYou’ve seen Star Wars even more times than me

And like me you find summer a bummerYou’ve been bummed since the finale of Six Feet Under Another number bombed hard in my show but you got itYou got a closet full of skeletons you bought a Hot Topic

Can I ride your bike? I like ringing the bellI know you’ll dance to hip hop if you’re drunk as hellI know that on a date no one’ll talk about sportsAnd if you DO have a thong on it’s under boxer shorts

How many Smiths tunes can you recite?In which of your blogs do you most frequently write?Which sci-fi languages can you understand?And which instrument did you play in your high school band?

In so many ways our similarities are eerieWe share so many paranoid conspiracy theoriesYou’re watching Twin Peaks you know all the characters’ namesQuoting Aqua Teen and playing video games

I couldn’t care less about your height or your sizeIf your IQ’s high and you got four eyes12-sided dice elf dies and I’m lovingNot hot in spite of being a geek but because of it

(CHORUS)Nerds nerds I love those nerdsShallow vapid model types are for the birdsLet me see you shake it shake your inhaler babyFreaks and geeks make me crazy

Nerds nerds I love those nerdsSmug aloof hipster types are for the birdsLet me see you shake it shake your inhaler babyFreaks and Geeks make me so crazy

Your new animated avitar looks hot waitI got great big goosebumps I made your top 8Great great I left a dozen comments all of them flatteringLike, “When we kiss girl it’s like Magic -The Gathering”

Come a little closer girl no need to be frightenedI’m not gonna bite I’m a just a little near-sightedAnd you are too ooh this ain’t gonna hurtI wanna see your silhouette in your Strongbad shirt

Our glasses clink when we nuzzle organic milk we both guzzleA couple hot nerds poring over crossword puzzlesFill in letters wearing sweaters in any weather foreverFeel the books of the Lord of the Rings were better

You and me girl are gonna have some funWe’ll play Simpson’s chess then watch season oneHours of Risk tsk we’ll quit when we’re doneAnd with the sun comes a Daily Show re-run

I brought my high school yearbook you wanna seeWhat I looked like back in 1993?I was skinny and pasty and I had terrible hairAnd still do. You too? Do you still have high school nightmares?

Were you a loner dark and brooding cruising through school anonymous?Or were you on debate team hanging with the drama kids?Did you take shop? Did the jocks call you “Tom?”Did you ever dream of blowing up a bomb at the prom?

(CHORUS)

I’ve loved every last nerdy girl that’s been in my lifeSo much in fact I even made one my wifeAnd my wife’s name is also STDWhich stands for Schaffer the Doctor cuz she’s a PhD

Rich Man

Diamonds and emerald pearls, silver and goldA golden Beamer, Mazaratti, a Ferrari, a RollsBenjamins in multiples of tens in rollsPersian rugs and drugs filling cereal bowls

A fleet of limousines idle lined in the lotA penthouse with a helipad, a 50-foot yachtA mansion in the Hamptons and a getaway spotThese are just a few of the things that I have not

I’m so stone-cold broke, you know it’s no joke, I get A microscopic paycheck, half pays the late rentHalf Uncle Sam gets, I haven’t been paid yetThe only big numbers I ever see are in my debt

I can’t believe I still live this life, I cry, "When’s thisShip I’ve heard so much about gonna get in?" It’sRidiculous I’m sick of this shit driven witlessCan I get a witness? Can I get ten cents?

Can I pay my dues and use my debit? Get it?Swipe it type in my PIN, rejected, forget itDenied, had I a dime every time ATMs said itI dread it, but my migraine is worse than my credit

And I got holes in my pockets like the ulcers in my tummySome receipts in my wallet stuck to something black and gummyDisposition so unsunny wanna hear you everybodySay “No money money no money money money!”

(CHORUS):And I ain’t got no moneyI’m so broke it ain’t funnyNo land of milk and honeyFor me envy everybody

Oh when will my ship get inOn the dock I sit with anOpen hand and it’s a bitch, manLiving like this in the land of the rich man

I’ve been living this poor well I guess forForever and I bet I will forever moreBarely ekeing by seeking out the dollar storesFor necessities upsettingly I still cannot afford

Every week for forty hours juggle taking ordersEvery weekend struggle try to buy a beer with quartersDays are getting longer but my life is getting shorterCan’t afford the paper, read it in the corner at Borders

I have resorted to cutting corners, tightened my beltTill I felt it in my pelvis buckle-shaped weltsHelp an overall deterioration of my healthWhich is supposed to be the least I have in lieu of no wealth

And I tell myself I gotta get a job that paysMore than I’ve ever made more than minimum wage Try to save for rainy days in wide array of waysA half-price sale at the dime store for dollar days

What would I do with a fortune? PlentyOf course now I would even settle for twentyOr a tenny just so I could get breakfast at Denny’sInstead of standing at the CoinStar, jar full of pennies

Gotta play the lotto if I wanna win itLuck will win a one-way ticket from this rut in which I’m stuckThey say the best things in life are free, I say that sucksThe best things costs fifty bucks and up

To one million dollars, let me break it downIn single bills it would weigh over 2,000 poundsThat’s 1,000 Benjamin Franklins and5,000 pictures of Ulysses S. Grant and

10,000 Andrew Jacksons and20,000 Alexander Hamiltons And another 30,000 Abraham LincolnsAnd 50,000 of the George Washingtons

Plus another 100,000 of him in quarters Add 200,000 FDR dimes to the order50,000 nickels plus five times as manyRight-facing copper-headed Honest Abe pennies

And that’s plenty of cheddar that’s a thick stack of lettuceThat’s a whole lot of dough, a great big loaf or bread, it’sA big chunk of change with which manEven an Oliver Twist kid could live like a rich man

Money, it’s a drag, the root of all evilCan’t buy happiness, can’t buy peoplePut a price on everything, grab at the brass ringBrass in my pocket going jing-a-ling-ling, sing!

Cash rules everything around me, C.R.E.A.M.Rags to riches, it’s the American dreamGold digging big living riches swimming in themAnd I'm running a rat race, the rich man’s winning, and um

(CHORUS)

Night of the Living Christ

Written By: Schaffer the Darklord

Some say the savior first lived during the thirty years or soBetween B.C. and A.D. two thousand years agoA man of myth and legend stories maybe you've heard themHe was a Jewish carpenter and his mother was a virgin

His name was the Christ and some thought him oddBecause he preached in the streets and claimed to be the son of GodPerforming miracles did little to win over the RomansInfuriated by his acts they called him a showman

So they tackled him and shackled him and whipped him and beat himAnd tortured him they did everything but believe himThey nailed him to a cross and left him in the sun to dieNow here's where the story varies in everybody's eye

You can believe that on that date he met his fate orYou can believe he came back three days laterYou can believe that he shall return againTo commence the Armageddon and the judgment of men

He won't descend from the heavens he'll emerge from the earthWith worms in his eyes his blood dry as dirtAll bones with little chunks of mummified fleshEven the bugs in his bowels will be repulsed by the stench

Hungry as hell not eaten in two millenniaAnd he'll immediately need to start feeding soHe will search for the first church as down come the rainsMoaning in Aramaic with a craving for brains

Half-eaten believers scream, "It's Jesus of Nazareth!"Their dead bodies rise back to life like LazurusThis horror story will be in the new bibleWritten by zombies Jesus's newest disciples

By Satan won't arrive for the end times warAnd Christ will hunt a hundred and be hungry for moreNo rival no reason to deliver us from evilThe undead prince of peace is feeding on people

(CHORUS):And he shall rise rise the son of God will arriveBack from the dead and when it happens it will blacken the skiesAnd he shall rise rise and we'll all be surprisedAs he walks the earth to the cries of "He's alive!"

Now wait wait what would Jesus do? Well let me tell you what he'll doHe will leave a trail of goo as he prays he preys on youUndead messiah with the entire world turning intoZombies like him you'll die for him because he died for you

"Oh Jesus Christ! It's Jesus Christ!"

For centuries men of cloth have warned us that this day will comeAnd they've used it to keep people oppressed under their evil thumbsThey've controlled and convinced us that our lives are filled with sinWell guess what that's who he's coming for those who think they're pure like him

He will only go after those who in him have faithSo all the non-believers around the world will be safeAll the Muslims and Buddhists the Satanists and atheistsThe Jews will be safe too but not the Jews for Jesus

And not the hypocrites or pro-life sexistsWho hide with the religious right in the heart of TexasMost of our government will get it the sameAnd anyone who's committed atrocities in his name

He'll crucify Klansmen that will be beautifulAnd then he'll get that fucking prick who pickets gay funeralsCatholic pedophiles are eaten after he whips themLook out because he'll send you back to hell Mel Gibson

Those old and gray on crusades who would forceChristian prayer in our schools and commandments in courtsAll his followers that twist the words that he saidAre the ones he'll hunt down when he comes back from the dead

(CHORUS)

"He's coming he's coming but he's coming to eat us!"

Christians will all turn to zombies upon his return visitIt isn't too much different than it is right now now is it?And he shall rise!

Set List

Live sets run 30-40 minutes. The shows typically feature 9 songs with standup bits scattered throughout, tieing the set together. As he is constantly writing new material, STD’s fans can generally expect new songs and jokes every time they catch his act live. The most standard STD set, which is generally used to introduce virgin audiences to his act, goes as follows:

1. The Dark Show (musical intro)2. The Rappist* (comedy bit)3. F*ck This Song4. Cat People*(comedy bit)5. Night of the Living Christ6. The Tin Man*(comedy bit)7. The Way You Talk8. Attack of the Clonefucker9. My Last Song (musical closing)