An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Posts tagged ‘moods’

So I’ve been very quiet lately because it’s been exam time but I finished today so here’s a quick update on whats been happening:

Acne still refusing to budge

I struggle from day to day with my body, some days I’m OK with it, others I can’t stand it…but I take each day as it comes.

Tomorrow I’m going onto anti-depressants. My moods have been in flux for a long time, one day i’m fine, he next i’m stressed, the next i’m crying…it’s so out of control and the amount and scale of mood swings I have is too much so I’m going onto anti-depressants. I originally said I wouldn’t because of all the stories I’ve heard about them, but I have no control and have no therapy and I need something NOW because it’s affecting all aspects of my life dangerously.

My depressions tends to hit in the evening and I’ve found that sitting at my desk in my room makes me depressed because the light falls behind me and the corner is a bit dark so I get down. I tend to get randomly irritable, or cry because I’m scared of the future/feel hopeless/feel like a crap partner to my other half. Or I get stressed to the point of almost having a panic attack

I weigh 9 stone 3 pounds (+1 pound)

I qualify for a DSA (Disabled Students Allowance), I have an assessment tomorrow to find out what I can get, i.e. finding, mentors, any equipment(?)

I have decided after uni I’m going to get breast implants to take me from a small A cup to a full C cup so I can be curvy. (For the full post click here)

I’m ill. I have gunk going down the back of my neck which is making me cough…which hurts my throat to the point where lifting my head is sore. I’m tired and cold…yay.

I have some appointments booked with an organization called Time2Talk…we’ll see how that goes

Anti-depressant fact. When people go onto an anti-depressant for the first month it makes them worse, over the age of 21 the bad spell isn’t too bad, but under 21’s it hits them very hard. Because I’ve had suicidal thoughts in the past, it means I’m more likely to be inclined to act on them. However, the doctor also said that if a person has a lot of support from family (which I do) and I’m honest about how I’m feeling, it shouldn’t be too bad. I’ve decided to start now as I have the choice of have the low spell now and potentially loose some of my holiday to bad feelings but have no stress, start later and make moving to uni even harder or wait till I’m 21 but by the time I get there who knows how bad I’ll be? So I’ve decided to risk it now, the only other problem is that if these pills aren’t right for me then I have to wait a month before I can decide to get through the initial bad patch…not looking forward to that.

Anyway, I should be posting a lot more frequently now I have more time. So I’ll keep y’all posted 🙂

The good news is two weeks ago I hit 8.4/8.5 stone 😀 the bad news is I’ve had a really bad week this week with lack of sleep and being ridiculously busy so it’s more than likely I’ve lost weight. I missed dinner on Tuesday because I was out filming for a school project, I didn’t realize till later that night when I had a migraine and was absolutely shattered, I didn’t think much of it until my partner pointed out if I miss seven lunches in a year then that’s about two days of food I’ve missed. I hadn’t looked at it like that, but it made me really take note when he said it.

Due to my lack of sleep I’m just cranky and get snappy over nothing. I’ll write more about this another time, but the feelings are too fresh and they’re beginning to sap at my strength again.

Oh, I’ve started therapy but they’ve been mucking me around and are too general rather than really going in depth into my problems so I’m considering going private…