When A Heterosexual Spouse Comes Out As Gay: 10 Surprising Reactions

Shared life, shared bed, shared closet. A spouse coming out changes all of that. It might seem a little crazy, but when you're a gay person in a heterosexual marriage, you're both coming out of the closet.

His side: jeans, ratty T-shirts, the mandatory sport coat, a few shoes, and of course the duffel bag the ever-frequent trips to the gym.

His and hers closets. Similar, and yet so different. Metaphorically speaking, both have closets to come out of when he or she admits that "I'm gay!" Two words, uttered in under five seconds, that have the power to bring the shrine of shoes crumbling down, leaving a miss-mash of flats paired with sling backs, and Mary Janes paired with platform stilettos. All of a sudden, you're hyper aware of the person you are — and the image you're presenting to the world. No stylist, personal trainer, make-up artist, or mere living a healthy lifestyle can prepare a spouse for the moment they discover their partner would rather be messing up the sheets, and building a life with "one of their own kind."

Shock, anger, sadness, death all prevail. (Hopefully not literal death). Rather, an honest death of a shared life, a person who suddenly becomes a complete stranger, and a relationship laid to rest. In reality, the "comer outer" has consciously and subconsciously been preparing for this reveal. On the other end of the shockwave, the spouse who had no intentions of coming out, other than from their walk-in closet looking fabulous, is now facing their own truth and ramifications. Their confidence may be just as shaken.

Often times, the "comer outer" is shocked that his or her spouse's reactions. Common thoughts about anger, disappointment, lying, deceit, are verbal bombshells most anticipated by the spouse, but there may be some surprises along the journey. Fortunately, even though the jilted spouse won't recognize it immediately, both parties are on a coming out journey, walking very similar paths. The freshly out person may ask him or herself "was it worth it?" The answer, while hard to believe at times, is yes.

10 Surprising Reactions To A Spouse Coming Out:

1. Therapy the gay away. The denial a spouse will be in will often have him or her believing that couples counseling and individual therapy will magically make the gay disappear. A much better approach is to use marriage therapy for unraveling the relationship in a healthy manner that benefits both parties.

2. Have your cake and eat it too. Really? Yes. More often than you might think, a spouse actually will consider keeping the relationship together and allowing the other spouse to "have your gay flings". In some relationships this works, in others it won't. If and when this conversation turns up, let your spouse talk it through. He or she, has some very solid reasons why they believe they could have this type of relationship. Of course, then you'll need to weigh in on how that would or wouldn't work for you.

3. Be gay but not here! This kind of "out of sight out of mind" approach makes it less real. Here's a parallel: If you've been having same-sex relationships while being in your hetero-normative relationship, you might have been having your liaisons while you’re out of town or at least in the next city or town adjacent to where you live. Often the "not happening here" thought for both you and your spouse makes your "gayness" seem not quite so real. In reality, whether you're gay in Paris or gay in the Castro, you're gay. It's just part of your DNA.

4. They ask, don't tell. Similar to "Don't ask, don't tell," your spouse may demand you not tell anyone within your joint circle of friends, family, acquaintances about your "secret." Realize this is out of embarrassment; it's a personal shield of shame they wear. Funny how that's similar to the shame you had to go through before you finally realized there is no shame.

5. Shhh... don't tell the kids! This is a touchy subject that often divides the couple more than the actual fact that the spouse is gay: Do we tell the kids or not tell the kids? Personally and professionally, I recommend talking with your kids about sexuality at an age-appropriate level that they can understand. I simply cannot advocate a stance that's shown up a couple of times in my practice where the spouse doesn't want anything said to the children until they're 18 and in college.

6. You'll make our kids gay. Take a deep breath and realize this is an uneducated person speaking. In fact, if you haven't armed yourself with articles and support materials for your spouse and kids to read about homosexuality, then shame on you. It also helps in these moments to be solid in your own values and beliefs about being gay.

7. You cheated? Ironically, the infidelity blow can be more painful than the "I'm gay" smack in the face. This is actually a common reaction, even if you haven't cheated. Your spouse may view online gay porn that you've been watching or gay fiction you've been reading as infidelity. This is a signal that fidelity, honesty, truth are high values to them and be now operating as best as you can playing to those values, you may find the ride through the tornado a little more bearable.

8. Fine, but I'm not getting a divorce. This response is rare, and usually shows up in the heat of the moment, so take it for what it might be. However, in some cases, the spouse being shunned for someone of the same sex would prefer to stay married for "appearances" reasons. Hey, if it works and you're both good with it, then go for it. After, the man and his mistress have been around since the dawning of time so why not give this a try too.

9. Break all ties. This request/demand has as many shades of grey as Christian Grey’s playroom. There's a high probability that not only will your spouse ask you to say nothing to anyone, they may even request that you break all ties with mutual friends, their family, and virtually anyone you share in common, even if it is cousin Mildred three times removed. Again, this is a fear response or a control move. Best advice: agree to disagree if the friendships or connection are worth it. Of course, if there are kids involved in your relationship, this just isn't an option.

10. Cool, I always suspected. What? A spouse who's totally cool with their spouse being gay is a complete surprise. There is the rare occasion where the relationship has grown apart for a wide variety of reasons and the coming out is just the icing on the cupcake. Not that the spouse is jumping up and down and marching beside you in the pride parade; it's more of a mutual acceptance that we're not meant for each other and this little tidbit of information just solidified the truth.

Coming out is a life changing experience for all who are touched by the journey. Ironically, when you lay the paths, feelings, emotions, and experiences each person is having side-by-side, what you'll find is mirror images. The spouse and the spouse coming out are both going through the closet door. The only difference is who they are, and who they choose to be once they emerge.

Struggling with coming out? Take advantage of a complimentary, confidential coming out coaching session with Rick Clemons, Certified Life and Coming Out Coach. Schedule now.

"Prison Break" star Wentworth Miller came out in August 2013 after being invited to attend the St. Petersburg International Film Festival in Russia. In the midst of massive anti-gay violence and legislation throughout the country at that time, he decided it was time to go public about his sexuality.
"Thank you for your kind invitation. As someone who has enjoyed visiting Russia in the past and can also claim a degree of Russian ancestry, it would make me happy to say yes," the 41-year-old wrote in a letter to the festival's director, which was posted on GLAAD's website. "However, as a gay man, I must decline."

The "Silence of the Lambs" star ended years of rampant media speculation when she casually came out of the closet while accepting her Cecil B. Demille award at the 2013 Golden Globes.
"I already did my coming out about a thousand years ago, back in the Stone Age," she said in the speech. "In those very quaint days when a fragile young girl would open up to trusted friends, and family, coworkers and then gradually, proudly, to everyone who knew her."

The "X-Files" actress revealed she's had numerous relationships with women in a 2012 interview with Out magazine.
The 43-year-old mother of three, who's long enjoyed a sizable lesbian fanbase, told Out that she first had a relationship with a woman while still in high school, after moving from her native England to suburban Michigan.
"If I had thought I was 100 percent gay, would it have been a different experience for me?" Anderson, who was voted "Most Bizarre" and "Most Likely to Be Arrested" in high school, ponders. "Would it have been a bigger deal if shame had been attached to it and all those things that become huge life-altering issues for youngsters in that situation? It's possible that my attitude around it came, on some level, from knowing that I still liked boys."

Anderson Cooper's sexuality had been scrutinized for years but it wasn't until July 2012 that he finally addressed the issue when he came out in an email to his friend and fellow journalist, Andrew Sullivan, this summer.
In Cooper's message, which was posted on Sullivan's blog, "The Dish," on The Daily Beast, the CNN anchor states, "The fact is, I'm gay, always have been, always will be, and I couldn’t be any more happy, comfortable with myself, and proud."

Award-winning filmmaker Lana Wachowski, who's best known for co-writing and -directing the "Matrix" trilogy with her brother, Andy Wachowski, is the first major Hollywood director to come out as transgender in July 2012.
The Chicago native recently released "Cloud Atlas" and received the Human Rights Campaign's Visibility Award in October 2012, where she delivered a revealing and heartfelt speech (VIDEO).

Raven-Symone came out via Twitter in early August 2013 after long-term speculation surrounding the actress' sexuality.
I can finally get married! Yay government! So proud of you— Raven-Symonè (@MissRavenSymone) August 2, 2013
Raven-Symone confirmed the subtle coming out by retweeting of her followers congratulating the star.
In a statement to E! News, the actress said: "I am very happy that gay marriage is opening up around the country and is being accepted. I was excited to hear today that more states legalized gay marriage. I, however am not currently getting married, but it is great to know I can now, should I wish to."

Long rumored to be gay, the actor, most famous for his roles on "Heroes" and in the recent "Star Trek" film, came out in a October 2011 New York magazine profile, saying:
"In light of Jamey's [Rodemeyer] death -- it became clear to me in an instant that living a gay life without publicly acknowledging it -- is simply not enough to make any significant contribution to the immense work that lies ahead on the road to complete equality. Our society needs to recognize the unstoppable momentum toward unequivocal civil equality for every gay lesbian bisexual and transgendered citizen of this country."

In December 2009 Baxter, most famous for playing Elyse Keaton on '80s sitcom "Family Ties," went on the "Today Show" and told Matt Lauer that she was a lesbian. Baxter said, "Some people would say, well, you're living a lie and, you know, the truth is -- not at all. This has only been for the past seven years."

No mainstream black male hip-hop artist had ever come out until Frank Ocean did in July 2012, just before he debuted his first solo album, "Channel Orange."
The singer-songwriter posted a Tumblr post which read, in part, "4 summers ago, I met somebody. I was 19. He was too. We spent that summer, and the summer after, together. Everyday almost. And on the days we were together, time would glide.”
After that, Ocean received support from fellow hip-hop artists Jay-Z (and wife, Beyoncé), 50 Cent, Busta Rhymes and more. Daryl Hannah, director of media and community partnerships for the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation said, "[The support for Frank is] an extension of the overall kind of support we’re seeing across the country for LGBT people, and not just in a broad sense, but specifically from iconic members of the black community.”

The comedian and actress came out in November 2008 while speaking at an anti-Prop 8 rally in Las Vegas. Sykes said in part:
"I got married Oct. 25, I don't really talk about my sexual orientation, I felt like I was living my life, I wasn't in the closet, but I was just living my life. Everybody who knows me personally, they know I'm gay. And that's the way people should be able to live our lives, really. We shouldn't have to be standing out here demanding something we automatically should have as citizens of this country."

This Nickelodeon star and YouTube sensation came out at 19 via an Internet question and answer session with friend and actress Jennifer Veal, telling fans "I'm gay."
"My family and friends have known for like three years, I just haven't felt the need to announce it on the Internet," he explained. At one point during the video he turned and asked Veal: "How come you didn't have to make a video saying you're straight?"

The 34-year-old "White Collar" hunk thanked his partner Simon Halls and his three children during Saturday's Steve Chase Humanitarian Awards, where he received the New Generation Arts and Activism Award for his work in the fight against HIV/AIDS.
"I'd really especially like to thank my beautiful family: Simon, Kit, Walker, Henry," he told the crowd. "Thank you for teaching me what unconditional love is. You will always be my proudest accomplishment."

"Secrets of a Restaurant Chef" host Anne Burrell confirmed she's a lesbian and in a committed relationship with a woman, just days after "Chopped" host Ted Allen made a reference to her sexuality in a radio interview.
"Anne doesn't feel she was outed," Burrell's rep told Page Six. "She has made no secret of her relationship."
The rep went on to note, "Her significant other is a very private woman. They have been together for a couple of years and spend a lot of time together."

The singer's sexuality was always a topic of discussion for viewers when he was performing on "American Idol," but Lambert didn't come out until after the competition had wrapped. In a June 2009 Rolling Stone cover story, Lambert said, "Right after the finale [of "AI"], I almost started talking about it to the reporters, but I thought, 'I'm going to wait for Rolling Stone, that will be cooler,'.. I didn't want the Clay Aiken thing and the celebrity-magazine bullshit. I need to be able to explain myself in context."

New York Times scribe Patrick Healy confirmed "The Big Bang Theory" star's sexuality as part of a profile.
The revelation came late in the article, when Healy describes the 39-year-old actor's role in the 2011 revival of Larry Kramer's HIV/AIDS crisis drama, "The Normal Heart."
Wrote Healy: '"The Normal Heart" resonated with him on a few levels: Mr. Parsons is gay and in a 10-year relationship, and working with an ensemble again onstage was like nourishment, he said."
Though the Times didn't identify Parsons' partner, he has been romantically liked with art director Todd Spiewak (pictured).

Punk band Against Me!'s lead singer made headlines in May with the announcement that she is transgender and will be now known as Laura Jane Grace.
The musician, who shared her story in Rolling Stone, said "For me, the most terrifying thing about this was how she [my wife, Heather] would accept the news. But she's been super-amazing and understanding."
The couple has a 2-year-old daughter.

The "Sex And The City" star was out-ed in 2004 when the NY Daily News and the New York Post reported she was living with another woman in September 2004.
Nixon half-heartedly confirmed the rumors when she told the Daily News, "My private life is private... But at the same time, I have nothing to hide. So what I will say is that I am very happy."

ABC's "Good Morning America" weatherman, Sam Champion,, not only came out of the closet in October 2012, he also announced his engagement to longtime boyfriend, Rubem Robierb, at the same time.
The New York Times subtly mentioned the news in an article about MSNBC personality Thomas Roberts' recent wedding, where Champion and Robierb were guests.
After his revelation, Champion, 51, discussed about his plans on "GMA" and thanked everyone for their support (see video clip).

Kelly McGillis, known as who starred opposite Tom Cruise in "Top Gun," revealed she's gay on lesbian website SheWired.com.
McGillis, who was married twice to men and has two daughters, said, "It's a part of being true to yourself. That's been a challenge for me personally."

The "Glee" actor came out on the "Chelsea Lately Show" in December 2009:
Chelsea Handler: "Your character on the show's gay. We know that you're gay. That's good for you. Congratulations. Don't be shy about that. Seriously. You shouldn't be shy about that because every time...an actor like you is helping a zillion other people that are scared to talk about their sexuality so good for you."
Chris Colfer: "Thank you. You know what my answer to that question was prior to coming out -- was that I was straight as every other actor in Hollywood."

Breakout, up-and-coming actor Ezra Miller, who stars in "The Perks of Being a Wallflower," came out as queer in an interview with Out magazine in August. The 20-year-old actor, who's also known for his big screen roles on "City Island" and "We Need To Talk About Kevin," told Out: "I have a lot of really wonderful friends who are of very different sexes and genders. I am very much in love with no one in particular."

Sara Gilbert, who's best known for her role on "Roseanne," officially came out in 2010. At that time, she was getting ready to launch "The Talk," a daytime talk show which focuses on parenthood and families, so Gilbert felt compelled to acknowledge her sexuality.
“I don’t ever really think of things as out or in,” Gilbert said. “I just think I am who I am, and when topics come up that are appropriate, I’ll talk about them and share when it seems right.”

Chaz Bono revealed his plan to transition in May 2009. TMZ.com broke the story via a prepared statement from Bono's publicist that read, in part:
"Yes, it's true -- Chaz, after many years of consideration, has made the courageous decision to honor his true identity...
He is proud of his decision and grateful for the support and respect that has already been shown by his loved ones. It is Chaz's hope that his choice to transition will open the hearts and minds of the public regarding this issue, just as his 'coming out' did nearly 20 years ago."

Andrew Rannells has had a stellar year. Since nabbing a Tony nomination for Best Leading Actor in a Musical for the Broadway blockbuster "The Book of Mormon," Rannells went on to star in HBO's "Girls" and ABC's "The New Normal."
In November, the 34 year old was named to Out magazine's prestigious "OUT100" list. “I feel very proud to be a part of The New Normal,” Rannells told Out. “I hope that it’s considered to be a part of the evolution of gay relationships on television. Coming from Nebraska, it’s exciting to me that people I went to grade school with, people that I grew up going to church with, are watching the show.”

"Bold and the Beautiful" star Joanna Johnson became daytime soap opera's only active "out" actor when she said she was a lesbian in May. Johnson said she feared coming out would prohibit her from getting acting roles.
Johnson told TV Guide in an exclusive interview that she's married to L.A. club promoter Michelle Agnew, with whom she has two children, five-year-old Julian and Harlow, who is two.

After being caught performing a "lewd act" in a public restroom, Michael came out to CNN in April 1998. Michael said, "This is as good of a time as any... I want to say that I have no problem with people knowing that I'm in a relationship with a man right now. I have not been in a relationship with a woman for almost 10 years."
Later that year Michael spoofed the incident in the music video for his single "Outside."

The CNN news anchor came out to the New York Times in May 2011. Lemon told the paper, "It's quite different for an African-American male... It's about the worst thing you can be in black culture. You're taught you have to be a man; you have to be masculine. In the black community they think you can pray the gay away."

Comedian Todd Glass came out in January in an episode of the "WTF with Marc Maron" podcast. Glass cited the slew of LGBT teen suicides as his impetus for coming out.
He told Maron: "I cannot listen to stories about kids killing themselves any longer without thinking [to myself], 'When are you going to have a little blood on your shirt for not being honest about who you are?'"

Everyone loves Rosie. In a June episode of "The Real Housewives of New Jersey," Rosie Pierri candidly came out to her sister, Kathy Wakile, a main cast member, proclaiming, "God made me this way. That's it."
Pierri spoke with The Huffington Post in May before the episode aired and shared that she was a "late bloomer," who didn't come to the realization until her 30s.

The New Kids On The Block singer was out-ed by fellow '80s teen pop star Tiffany in January 2011 when she revealed she dated Knight before "he became gay later."
In response, Knight posted a message on his website stating in part:
"I have never been outed by anyone but myself! I did so almost twenty years ago. I never know that I would have to do it all over again publicly just because I reunited with NKOTB! I have lived my life very openly and have never hidden the fact that I am gay!"

In March 2009 pop star Ricky Martin posted a message on his website telling the world, "I am a fortunate homosexual man."

Long dogged by rumors about his sexuality, the "Will and Grace" actor finally came out in The Advocate in April 2010:
"I am who I am. I was never in, as they say. Never," he said.

In May 2010 the British rapper came out in Diva magazine.
Sovereign said:
"Magazines would always ask about it but [questions about my sexuality] would get stopped by my publicists. It was my choice, too, because I was a bit worried about it but now I don't really give a shit.
You can't hide away forever. It's just stupid and now I've come out I feel a lot more comfortable with myself. But it was a bit scary back then because some people do have horrible opinions."

T.R. Knight's coming out wasn't necessarily ideal.
The actor, who played George O'Malley on ABC's Grey's Anatomy, was called a "faggot" by co-star Isaiah Washington, prompting Knight to stand up for himself and others.
He told Ellen DeGeneres, "I've never been called that to my face. So I think when that happened, something shifted, and it became bigger than myself."

People magazine reported In January 2012 that Kristy McNichol, who was beloved for playing Buddy Lawrence in the '70s show "Family," for which she won an Emmy, and later Barbara Weston on the "Golden Girls" spin-off "Empty Nest," revealed she is a lesbian because she is "approaching 50" and wants to "be open about who I am."
McNichol also cited the wave of antigay bullying stories for coming out, hoping to help bullied LGBT youth who need support.

After Benji Schwimmer won the second season of Fox's long-running hit series "So You Think You Can Dance," the 28-year-old dancer-choreographer became somewhat of a Mormon rockstar. But in a tell-all, five-hour interview for "Mormon Stories," Schwimmer came out and discussed at length his homosexuality and the church's views on the issue.
He spoke with Out magazine in June and said: "I get at least 10 emails a day from kids that say, I was going to kill myself, and I heard something in the podcast that rang true to me, and I’m holding on. For that validation alone—it’s nice that Perez Hilton and Out are covering this, but just that personal touch is what it’s about. For the last year, I didn’t hide it. I held hands with a boyfriend in the streets. I kissed him in bars—in straight bars. I don’t give a fuck."

After becoming a father in August of 2008, the "American Idol" runner up came out on the cover of People magazine in September 2008 saying, "[Coming out] was the first decision I made as a father... I cannot raise a child to lie or to hide things. I wasn't raised that way, and I'm not going to raise a child to do that."

History was made in October when active professional featherweight boxer Orlando Cruz of Puerto Rico came out. He said in a USA Today article, "I've been fighting for more than 24 years and as I continue my ascendant career, I want to be true to myself. I want to try to be the best role model I can be for kids who might look into boxing as a sport and a professional career."
He continued, "I have and will always be a proud Puerto Rican. I have always been and always will be a proud gay man."

Country singer Chely Wright came out in May 2010. She told People magazine, "There had never, ever been a country music artist who had acknowledged his or her homosexuality... I wasn't going to be the first."
But she changed her mind and said of her decision, "Nothing in my life has been more magical than the moment I decided to come out."

The flamboyant singer-songwriter played coy about his sexuality for many years before finally coming out as gay in the September 2012 issue of Instinct magazine.
Mika told the magazine:
"If you ask me am I gay, I say yeah... Are these songs about my relationship with a man? I say yeah. And it’s only through my music that I’ve found the strength to come to terms with my sexuality beyond the context of just my lyrics. This is my real life."

The 'N Sync pop star came out on the cover of People magazine in July 2006. When asked why he decided to come out then, Bass said, "The main reason I wanted to speak my mind was that (the rumors) really were starting to affect my daily life. Now it feels like it's on my terms. I'm at peace with my family, my friends, myself and God so there's really nothing else that I worry about."

Hong Kong's fourth annual LGBT Pride Parade in November saw beloved Cantonese pop star Denise Ho come out as a lesbian. This announcement made her the first mainstream female singer in Hong Kong to say she's gay, according to several Hong Kong media outlets.
"As a celebrity, I think I have an obligation, a duty to stand forward for the sake of love and equality," the 35-year-old singer told the crowd.

"I personally think that if you deny something or if you hide something you're inadvertently admitting it's wrong. I don't feel like I'm wrong," said actress Amber Heard, 26, who came out while attending GLAAD's 25th anniversary party.
Heard has starred in movies like as "Pineapple Express" and "Zombieland."

In an interview with Rolling Stone in October 1976, the rock star came out by saying, "There's nothing wrong with going to bed with somebody of your own sex. I think everybody's bisexual to a certain degree. I don't think it's just me. It's not a bad thing to be. I think you're bisexual. I think everybody is."

Financial guru Suze Orman came out in a 2007 New York Times Magazine article.
The 61-year-old Chicago native was asked if she was married in the interview, which prompted her to officially come out and set the record straight (so to speak).

"Frasier" actor David Hyde Pierce kept a low profile and subtly came out in an article on CNN where he mentioned his longtime partner, TV writer and producer Brian Hargrove.
Later, while on "The View", Pierce spoke about Hargrove and his sexuality and said,"What you choose to talk about yourself is a personal decision."

The "Doogie Howser, MD" and "How I Met Your Mother Star" came out on the cover of People magazine in November of 2006. Harris told the magazine:
"The public eye has always been kind to me, and until recently I have been able to live a pretty normal life. Now it seems there is speculation and interest in my private life and relationships.
So, rather than ignore those who choose to publish their opinions without actually talking to me, I am happy to dispel any rumors or misconceptions and am quite proud to say that I am a very content gay man living my life to the fullest and feel most fortunate to be working with wonderful people in the business I love."

The former Savage Garden front man came out by marrying Richard Cullen in June 2006.
He announced the civil union on his website saying in part:
"As so many of you have given me your heart and soul over the past 10 years I thought it only fitting that I too return the respect and inform you of the most significant event in my life... On June 19th 2006 I married my boyfriend of two years, Richard, in a Civil Partnership ceremony in London."

The beloved George Takei, known as Sulu on "Star Trek," came out in a 2005 article in Frontiers, a biweekly LGBT Los Angeles magazine.
Takei, 75, cited the political landscape surrounding LGBT issues as one reason for coming out. Since then, Takei has been an outspoken (and humorous) advocate for LGBT rights.

The actress had been out to friends for quite some time, but she told the entire world in the fall of 2005 in interviews with Details magazine and The Advocate.
"I've had my years of being not open, many years of it... It's an honor for me to do this; it's just nice to be asked," de Rossi said in her September 2005 Advocate cover story, her first with the gay press.

The actress, perhaps best known for her role as tormented teen Dawn Wiener in the film "Welcome To The Dollhouse," came out in August 2004 by telling the NY Daily News about falling in love with Caroline Murphy:
"I met the person I'm so madly crazy in love with...She's not famous yet. She will be. She wants to do musical theater and stage, which is not as demoralizing as the movie business is."

The comedian and talk show host came out by revealing "I'm a dyke!" during her stand up act at the Ovarian Cancer Research benefit at Carolines Comedy Club in February 2002.

The hilarious Nathan Lane, who's well known for starring in films like "The Birdcage," officially came out in an interview with The Advocate in 1999. In the issue, the 56-year-old Emmy- and Tony-winner said, "It's never been something I kept a secret."
But Matthew Shepard's murder led the actor to publicly coming out.
"It was like somebody slapped me awake," Lane said. "At this point it's selfish not to do whatever you can."

DeGeneres came out in 1997, both in real life and on TV, on her sitcom "Ellen."
"The Puppy Episode," which aired in April 1997, featured a who's who of Hollywood, including Oprah Winfrey, Demi Moore, Billy Bob Thornton, and Laura Dern as Ellen's love interest.
DeGeneres's character became the first openly gay prime time lead character on television.

The rock star came out in January 1993 during the Triangle ball, the first ever ball thrown for the LGBT community during a president's inauguration, in this case Clinton's.
Etheridge recalls:
"I didn't even think, Oh, I'm going to come out here...It was, 'Gee, I'm really excited to be here, and I'm really proud to have been a lesbian all my life.' And a big cheer went up through the whole hall, and k.d. [lang] came out and hugged me. I remember walking back, and my friend said, 'I think you came out!'"