Probably the weirdest thing you'll ever read

You'll never read anything weirder than this. If you do, tell me immediately.

Submitted: December 06, 2016

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Submitted: December 06, 2016

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Once upon a time, there was a cactus. The
cactus liked to kill people. One day a friendly apple skin came along. The cactus said, "I will kill you apple skin." The apple skin was killed and then magically transformed into a 3,789 foot tall
MAGENTA CRAYON. It then raised a giant army of corn nuggets to wage war against the peaceful land of the cactus-people. The corn nuggets, being corn nuggets, were unable to move and they were
massively obliterated by the cactus-people. but now there were single pieces of corn. They murdered the entire population of cactus-people and went on to conquer many other civilizations. One day
the corn giblets attacked Trumpland. They slaughtered every last living being living there and the world plunged into darkness. The corn giblets formed an underground cult that worshipped the
Almighty MAGENTA CRAYON. They told stories of its power by a fire (which was made up of the cactus-people). But they all knew, that one day, all of their lives would come to an end. And that time
was near. A young pot roast, by the name of Kim Bernie Sanders Jong Un, was preparing for all-out war against the corn army. First, they would launch an assault with their salvaged X-wing fighters
they found in the ruins of Jakku. Then they would use their finesse swords to slash the corn demons into oblivion. Once the army of well cooked dinners defeated the corn giblets, they would be in
control of the world. An elderly man that had an all seeing chicken (rotisserie) could predict the fate of the battle. He called up the leaders of both armies to come see what would happen. The
MAGENTA CRAYON, having remembered that evil murderous cactus, decided to try out its kung fu abilities and knocked the old man's head clean off. The man was already dead though, and he just put his
head back on. All Kim Bernie was worried about though, were the pizza rolls and hot pockets the man promised him. "GIVE ME MAH PIZZA ROLS M8" he screamed. His voice was so loud his head exploded
and he died right then and there. Then the old man, who's name wasZlatan'El'azar, put the MAGENTA CRAYON into an oven so it would melt. But the
MAGENTA CRAYON, being all powerful, he exploded the stove like an atomic bomb, wiping out all life within a 186 mile radius. Without a leader, the army of well cooked dinners hired a new leader.
His name was Kephalos Jadranko. He instantly waged war and the two armies clashed. Corn juice and beef broth soon poured down the hills of Eibhir that day. The only survivors were two warriors
,Khurshid Gutxi and Jákob Aristeides. They ran at each other, weapons raised, and soon they both lie dead because there was a volcano between them and they dissolved into nothingness.ÆthelredIona, they last survivor of the army of corn nuggets and the only
human left on the earth, set out on an epic quest to find a cricket. It wasn’t just any cricket, though. It was the cricket on the hearth. He met a man named King Arthur on the way. He was out
looking for the Holy Grail. He decided to join him but was soon slaughtered with a herring because he was so tall King Arthur thought he was a tree. King Arthur didn’t mean it though, and went with
his keniguts to kill the silly French. “Hon Hon Hon” said the French. Vould zu like to lern my outrrragggeousss accent?” Then he was shot down with hot wax. But little did they know a secret
society of rappers hiding under them. The grand master of the rappers was Kid Funk Gangsta Doggy-dog. He had killed many French people in his time, so he was tired of that. Next he would massacre
the hippies (they weren't human. They were massive floating balls of spaghetti) He waged war and surprisingly won, since all he did was rap and then got shot in the head. He didn't die
tho.

All copyrights to Monty Python and Lucasfilm and
Disney for the borrowed characters and other things. Hon Hon Hon.