My life is an endless stretch of unforeseen, predictable, tumultuous and incredible events. Some things I can't control, some things I can, I make decisions and I take actions. And here I can look at it all.

Clever Darling

You know what? In this instance, I really don't give a crap about the outside world. They can all do whatever the hell they like, but we're safe on the inside.

And so one is in an entirely impossible situation.To love someone to a previously unknown degree, and yet to be utterly unable to be in a relationship with them because of one's own flaws, and perhaps a few chance factors.Alas, what is one to do?

I didn't do it because there was anything wrong with him or any fading of emotion, just because I didn't want to have to keep struggling to be a couple every time there are people around, especially D's female friends, or my male ones. Argh, if we'd been ten years older then it would have been perfect, but I'm almost seventeen, and I just don't want to be making serious commitments like that right now. I know, it sounds kinda pathetic and sad and useless and cowardly and self interested but I've never been good at sticking to something for a long time, I don't stick to most geographical locations for a long time for god's sake.

And I wonder if it's because we never tried out being friends before we dove into a relationship, I wonder if that would have been better and less messy, to evolve when we, ok, I was ready...

Yesterday was surreal. Everyone was talking about Kitty but it was like I was outside of it. But today, oh god. I had English last, the first one of my lessons that she would have been in, because the ones yesterday were cancelled. And we went in and the vice head was there and he had this prepared speech about how the college was devastated at the loss of a student and...well, I'm not really sure what he said because as soon as he started talking I started crying and I just couldn't stop and basically I left the lesson because my crying was making other people uncomfortable and they were just watching the movie anyway and I'd rather not sit there for an hour next to an empty seat.I know we weren't amazing friends, but we had some incredibly fun times together, and she was actually quite a solid part of my college life. True, sometimes we didn't get on because she was a bit much to handle, but she was never sad or angry, and she always had an opinion (and a cup of tea) on everything. But she was a likeable person, and she wasn't sick. And it just seems so impossible and yet it's happened.

On Saturday night Harriet came on msn and just blurted out that Kitty, a girl I've known almost since I moved here and spend my English Lit lessons with, had died. I didn't believe her. Over msn it's impossible to tell if someone is playing some sick joke, although it's extremely unlike Harriet to do so.

But who wants to believe that someone is dead?

But it looks like it's true, some form of epileptic fit is the current idea but no confirmed cause of death yet.

Parents evening was fairly bland, as expected. Was fun spending an hour and a half in the basement with loads of other people who had to wait for appointments though. I gots a muffin :D And then I gots Ben n Jerry's via stolen money from Dad :D

Friday

Erm...what was Friday like...Not too thrilling. I spent most of my day taking care of people, Will, Zoe, Ceri's friend Peter... Then D came over after much effort and confusion transportwise, and my dinner was overcooked because of him -.- And then there was sleepings.

Saturday

Went to the supermarket. YAY! Ahem. Then D fixed my rabbit hutch roof while I, well, played with the rabbit basically. Then there was English Coursework editing to do :( And D played with mum on the wii...so bascically, a standard Saturday.

Sunday

Woke up and D was there again and it was goodness. Stayed in bed until 11:30 eating cookies and grapes and stuff. And here I be.

Tuesday wasn't very exciting. I like, had some classes. And then I like, went home. And then I sat at home and read Betrand Russell's History of Western Philosophy, in the company of some very good classical music, and an apple.

Yesterday...we watched Julius Caesar sing 'Be Prepared' from the Lion King, in French, in Classics. Win. Then I sat around for an hour doing very little in my free, signed up for the Oxford Faculty of Law open day, but not sure if I'll get a place because there are only two. I also slept my way through Debating, which is getting more boring by the week, and it offends my sensibilities that there's a chav there. Because chavs don't get into Hills Road. And every time she opens her mouth with her chavvy voice I'm thinking: 'WTF' and yet at the same time she doesn't seem to be lacking in reasonable comments, but if you're smart, why the fuck would you be a chav...I just don't understand it.And D came over. And we just like, did nothing, and it was warm.

Today is parent's evening. Yay -.- Last lesson is cancelled but my first appointment isn't until 4:20 because of Dad being awkward with work. Not happy.

ThursdayI took the sleep talkin man and stole Nathaniel's print credit to print it out and basically sat around laughing at it for my whole free. Then I hads some lessons...and they was like, lessony. Oh yeah, D came over. That wasn't hugely productive lol

FridayErmmmm. I went to college. I went to some lessons. I had me mah relentless and mah chocolate, I had me my hyperactivityness.Then I spent the evening at home doing bugger all :D

SaturdayWent into Cambridge, raped the city up ;) No, seriously, met up with a load of D's friends and they sat in a shisha bar all day while we wandered around a bit and whatnot and there were cookies and manthongs involved. Twas nice to catch up with T, who I haven't seen for a while, and amusing to watch Chris be a whore with Anna the obsessive and dangerous friend of D's. Then Ben showed up (cucumberless) and soon after D and I returned home. Where my Dad was being all aggressive and angry and stuff and made me angry so I like, sulked. And then there was sleep.

SundayWoke up, and like, D was there, and this was a deeply sexy thing. Moved Bubby's hutch, which really needs replacing soon coz it's falling apart but new hutches are like £100 + :S So that'll have to wait until after Greece. Then went shopping in Newmarket and spent the LAST of my money on toys for my dog and rabbit lol.

TodayCollege, blegh. Monday's are shit. Found out that I can't go to summer school without permission from my tutor, and we can instantly write that off. I can't go to any of the other summer schools because, well, basically, I'm not on EMA. Fucking poor people aren't the only people who struggle to get to uni you know, bastard government.Also...Will is all sad coz Liz keeps telling him to back off, which makes for an uncomfortable mood coz he keeps staring after her with puppy eyes too :S

To be completely, brutally honest, this blog isn't as interesting as it once was. It's sort of turned into: this is what I did, I still exist, bye. Which is shit, I wouldn't read it, well, unless I was stalking me, (lol, that's what followers are for :D) because then I'd know my whereabouts :)

Anyway, but the reason it's degenerated is because many life situations are changing so quickly at the moment that there's no point telling you about them because they just change again. I'm doing well in college, no I'm not, yes I am, no I'm not, simply based on my test results and essay marks. Things are fine with D, oh, not they aren't, yes they are, no they aren't, because he's stressed over school and I'm just a bitch of all trades :D

I suppose my friends are still in much the same situation as ever. Liz finally dumped her shit boyfriend but I don't think the public at large know that yet. I do have an interesting situation developing that I'm getting to know each of the individuals in the basement crew better now, and many of them are males, and some of them are getting a bit overenthusiastic, which is REALLY not what I need. Up until year eleven, guys were NEVER interested in me, I thought I was repulsive, now they're always there when I don't want them! WTF? Life just sucks sometimes.

Yesterday was Monday, so typical Monday type stuff. Tutorial wasn't too bad, since we were doing presentation type things, and I had relentless :D

So, last night was odd.I dreamt, a lot.I dreamt I found out I was a diabetic, and that I'd been born from a genie. And then a realllllly old friend who I haven't spoken to in years was there taking care of me, and just as we fell in a pond there were a load of mounted soldiers and then the nuclear power plant exploded and I rolled down the hill in a backpack to try and work the reactor but I think I died because it faded away and I woke up...

Then I dreamt that D's mother let Ruby escape and I screamed and screamed at her until she left and there were puppies everywhere.

Anyway, weird dreams, very long feeling to them, I kept thinking it was time to get up when they ended, but I kept waking up and it was still night.

WednesdayWell, Wednesday was interesting. Halfway through lunch it started snowing quite heavily so about half the college went home. So after lunch we only bothered with half the lesson and then I had to sit around and wait for my last Political Concepts lesson -.-

ThursdayThursday...what happened...free period...I was trying to gossip with Zoe but then loads of people joined us so we couldn't. Then the usual sort of life, Liz wasn't feeling well...it was snowy a bit...

FridayWell, the trains were buggered, as per usual. Managed to get to college, but people living in Littleport didn't :( Lessons ran as normal, but it was all rather boring because we just wanted to be out in the snow really...

SaturdaySat around, read all day. Rereading the Age of the Five series by Trudi Canavan, sort of a fantasy meets girly romantic fiction kind of author. Good stuff. Then D came over, stayed over, sleepiness...

TodayDidn't get up to much, played with Bubby in the conservatory for a while, edited my English draft and cuddled D. So overall fairly good.

Dreams, last night, weird. First some creatures called mesmers loosely based on Artemis Fowl fairies created in my mind attacked the roof of my bedroom, then there were rabbits attacking me, then I set a load of cockroaches loose in my room on purpose, then there were zombies and bushes and it was all weird and confusing and nightmarish.

27th - Went to visit some friends, should have taken about 4 hours, took 4 hours just to get there, was therefore too late home to see D, resulting in minor argument.

28th - Monday...went to Cambridge with D after minor argument. Went shopping, then went out for dinner, then went to see Joseph at the Corn Exchange, then missed the train so had to stand on freezing platform for an hour until 11:10 train came along, then D stayed over.

30th - Wednesday...my aunt and uncle and their three little-uns were here for a few hours, then I went and stayed at D's.

31st - Went to see Avatar, then D stayed over for new years while my parents went to friends ;)

1st - D was here still, didn't do much except sleep really.

2nd - Went to D's, played table football, lost.

So basically I've spent the whole week with D in preparation for going back to college. I really don't want to :( I love my friends, but the long days and the workload and some of the teachers AHEM DEVILWOMAN FORM TUTOR are just a bit shit.