Monday, December 1, 2008

Like many do on Thanksgiving weekend, Temp X spent the last few days outside the Hollywood bubble. (Once every three months is all I get.) This is always fun because I'm quickly reminded that the rest of the world doesn't spend 24/7 talking about whatever project their "developing." For those of you who didn't venture north of the 210 freeway, south of the 105 or east of the 5 or west of PCH, here's what the rest of the world is doing and talking about...

Baby Pictures -- Holidays are a great time to get together with family and talk about what's new. But when you've added a new member to the family (say a spouse or in-laws) it's fun to talk about the good old days. Outside the bubble they do this by looking at baby pictures, elementary school yearbooks and vacation photos where you're in an outfit that you now attempt to re-create for Halloween.

Cold Stone Creamery -- Ice cream is a great treat for that break in between shopping and more shopping. Try their French Vanilla ice cream, mix in fudge, sprinkles and a brownie. Then drop the whole thing on a waffle cone. For the duration of the 1,000 calorie experience you'll have forgotten that the economy is in shambles, the stock market is tanking and your job will be gone within 3 months.

Politics -- Love him or think he's an uninformed blowhard, Bill O'Reilly can spark a fun conversation around a pile of leftover turkey, ham and stuffing. Just make sure that the discourse doesn't get too heated or food will start to fly like your average Jerry Springer Holiday Special.Mid-terms -- Some people are lucky enough to be students and thus are oblivious to overnight ratings, SAG/AFTRA "negotiations" and what remake is next in line at the box office. These people talk about interesting topics like German propaganda in World War I and sin waves during the blending of cubic zirconium. [Tip for Assistants: Join the conversation and you'll be reminded your brain can be used for things other than getting a new Kleenex box for your boss.]How awful the Rosie O'Donnell Special was -- Like bad karaoke or your upstairs neighbors having sex at 3 a.m., some things are annoying and impossible to ignore. So even those outside the Hollywood bubble couldn't miss how bad this Ben Silverman dream was. Pick your least favorite part -- Conan O'Brien getting a pie in the face, Jane Krakowski doing a song of product placements or Rosie (still convinced she can sing) dueting with Liza Minelli. And you wonder why it only pulled a 1.2.

Temps are the lowest life form in Hollywood. They are lower than assistants. Lower than those in the mail room. Lower than everyone. Why? Because they are completely disposable. You don't like the temp. Get a new one. (Oh and we don't get health insurance, paid vacation, 401k, etc.) I am one of those barnacles on the hull of the good ship "Hollywood." These are my stories.