Thursday, August 23, 2012

Wow, Forgive me father, it has now been two years since my last confession... oops.. wrong place and time. It has been two years since I wrote to you last. That is not an hiatus, that is a missing persons report. Is she dead or alive?
So what have I been doing with myself? Hmmmm... As usual I have immersed myself in my children's lives. I have planned school parties, done fundraisers, hell I am even so crazed that I have gotten myself elected to the Board of Directors at their school. Committed to them and should be committed to an asylum. That's my life in a nutshell. But I have been thinking so much lately with Char in third grade, Jude in first, and Finn to join the ranks not too far off... What will I do with myself when they are all in school and busy with their own lives? As I had discussed in previous blogs it's time to raise the dead! It's time to come out of my hibernation and start to be ME again and not just MOM. Oh and yes, I absolutely know that you can relate. We all do it at some point in time as women, and we do it for how ever long it takes. I've even seen some do it for so long the damage is permanent. Not this ME. Nope this me is taking back the reigns of this crazy horse. A mad scientist on a mission to revive. I recently regained an old friendship. Love ya Facebook! We had lost touch because as lives happen and in a world back then of no email, computers, facebook, or cell phones ( yes bitches I AM that OLD). She moved away, I moved away, and there you have it. No more or less. But I have found her and she has reminded me of the ME I once was. I always feel the need to insert the disclaimer here that I do not regret any loss of myself so that I could be with my kids. I am even writing this damn entry with Finn on my lap with naked buns since he is still potty training! ha ha ha, and a load of laundry spinning in the background. ...But I do want to make sure I am moving forward and yet a little back- to ME in the process. So thanks "D" for reminding me I'm ME and that I was a great ME and will be an even better ME in the years to come.
So back the the beginning. I started writing this Blog so far back and I named it "I blame Enjolie" because that stupid commercial and song always rings in my head when I have fifty things going. "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let you forget your a man.. cause I'm a WOMAN.." I blame you Enjolie... For making us all think we needed to be that woman. To do it all and smell nice and look so good while doing it not a feathered hair out of place. IMPOSSIBLE. But I also blame me for buying into it. I'm suspect number one in my own homicide. I spent so many of my early years of marriage and motherhood trying to live up to that commercial image. Something I am not, something maybe even unattainable? I'm the queen of my own little proverbs. One of them is, "No one can do it all and do it well." People always ask me, "Oh my gosh how do you do it?" If I am being honest the answer is, "I'm not doing it.. it's an illusion." Every "perfect" mother and wife you know has at least one dirty little secret she keeps hidden so well. She looks great, her kids look great, she has a clean car but dont look now, she cant cook-all her meals are eaten out or ordered in! She looks good her kids look great, they are always on time but her car is a pigsty! In my case, my kids look good, my house is clean, my kids are happy and I'm always volunteering and still working from home a 40 hour a week job but man dont look in a mirror because my appearance is atrocious. We cant do it all. There has to be some area of our lives that is over looked or else we'd be bionic. I recently took a side job cleaning a woman's house. Man she is super cute, ridiculously kind, kids are smart and cute, she speaks like 5 languages, is a lawyer, and lives in an insanely gorgeous house, hot husband, and perfect dog. I was pleasantly surprised to see that she was behind on laundry, hires a cleaning lady, and has little piles all around the house of things that need to be done. She seems perfect but she is me... I am her. We are one in the same. We are human. Not bionic. She wasn't perfect she was normal. (Sigh) She was normal. Say it with me now- SHE WAS NORMAL! I am normal. So shattering my perceptions of what being a perfect mother and wife are have now allowed me to start to rebuild my image of what LESLIE is, not perfect just LESLIE. And since I'm in the process of rediscovering/ reinventing/ reanimating her why not do it the way I've always wanted? Not just be as good as the old me but better. I have this opportunity to sort of Frankenstein myself. Take all the good parts of the old, sew them together with all the dreams of the better me, and zap them with some serious electricity and see if she wakes up new and improved, yet with the knowledge that she's not perfect, never will be and doesn't care if others think she is or isn't