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cough drops

“Rhythm” is one of my favorite words because it doesn’t have any vowels. I know, I know, “y” can sometimes be a vowel, but I choose to regard it as a consonant in this word just to break the rules.

I’m writing about rhythms tonight because I’m trying to find mine. It’s been over a week since I’ve posted my last post, and I don’t like that. I’ve started a new job, and cutting 40 hours per week out of my free time is killing my blog productivity.

But that’s enough about work. My wife just reminded me of a story that I rarely tell, and my imaginary dog is giving me puppy eyes that beg indulgence.

The Cough Drop

Before Dana and I were married, I went to her apartment for dinner with her and her roommates. I wasn’t feeling the best, so I stopped at the Cub Foods in North Minneapolis to pick up some cough drops before I arrived. If you know anything about the Cub Foods in North Minneapolis, it’s not a place you want to be after dark. Or before dark, for that matter. “Sketchy” is one word to describe it. But if you’ve got a sore throat, it does have supplies.

I got to Dana’s just before dinner was finished and cracked open my new bag of Halls. I got the jumbo pack for the better deal. I struggled to rip open the plastic when Dana kindly informed me that it was already open. In fact, there was a clean cut on the back of the bag exposing all of my medicated lozenges to the world at large.

We’ve all heard the horror stories of people being poisoned by unprotected Tylenol, causing the trend of sealed over-the-counter drugs, so I didn’t want to take a chance. I did purchase these lemon flavored droplets at one of the shadiest grocery stores this side of the Mississippi.

So I counted them. I was shooting for 40 cough drops, as per the package statement. How many did I get?

Forty-one. No kidding, folks, I counted it three times. So did Dana. So did 3 of her 5 roommates. We had 41 out of 40 cough drops, and not one of them was going to sooth my ailing throat. Because God knows that that cough drop would have been the poisoned one.

Instead of walking the three blocks back to the store to return them, I just threw them all away. I didn’t know what would happen to bag of tainted pastilles, so I got rid of them and suffered with my sore throat.

I know exactly what happened, too. Someone thought it would be funny to make a cut in the back of the package to make it look like this particular bag was on the top of the box of other bags. Some unsuspecting customer would purchase the cough drops and assume that the slash was made by a box cutter, not a devilish villain. The innocent invalid wouldn’t think twice about counting the cough drops. That would be ridiculous! They’re fine, just eat them! Ha! The villain’s work is done. The person with a sore throat now is a person without a beating heart.