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A relgious nutjobs take on Scooby Doo

As Hollywood prepares to release the new film, "Scooby Doo," we think it's important for Christians to understand some of the hidden messages in the cartoon series that Landover Baptist Creation Scientists and Youth Directors have spent the last 30 years of their lives uncovering. It goes without saying that most Christians already know that the term, "Scooby Doo," was adopted by the homosexual community in the late 1970's. "Scooby Doo" is Sodomite slang for "feces roll."

There is no easy way of saying this, but a "feces roll" is when a group of naked homosexual “men” get together in a public park, lay out a large plastic mat, poop all over it, and roll around in it until they have orgasms or are busted by the police. Some homosexuals save their feces in plastic bags and keep them in the refrigerator for weeks to prepare for such an event.

One doesn't have to look too far to see why the homosexual community was so quick in adopting "Scooby Doo." The cartoon is chock full of decadence. It really doesn't take a theologian to see that each character in the cartoon series represents a perverse member of society. There is "Shaggy," a skinny junkie who is always sleepy, hungry, and paranoid. If you look closely enough, you can actually see the needle marks on his arms where he would inject a liquified form of "scooby snacks" which were really nothing more than a mixture of cocaine and heroin. Shaggy would even feed the dog (which is G-o-d spelled backwards and an occult way of referring to Satan) these cocktails as well. At times, Shaggy would be so high, he would even think the dog was talking to him.

Another character in the series, Thelma, the little bull-dyke, represents the feminist movement. Hollywood makes everyone's job easier here because they never try to hide the fact that feminists are nothing more than ugly-looking women with glasses who are always reading books and bossing people around. Our lone Christian mole in Hollywood tells us that executives were even considering talk show host and human hippo, Rosie O'Donnell, for the role of Thelma.

In the character of Fred, we are subjected to a cartoon depiction of the typical homosexual male. His choice in clothing alone is enough to raise the eyebrows of any concerned Christian parent. Further evidence exists in his lack of interest in the character of Daphney, a female prostitute along for the ride who never has anything signficant to offer the group other than a harlot's smile and, sadly, unclothed cartoon legs that Landover Baptist Youth Director, Richard N. Moff, reports, "cause arousal in young boys even before they reach puberty."

The characters of "Scooby Doo" travel in a van (an enclosed vehichle suggesting deviant activity occuring within) from town to town looking for ghosts and witches and consulting with people who are familair with spirits. It's always been a carefully packaged television program that introduces innocent young children to the occult. We could go on about countless Christian horror stories where grown adults fall prostate on the altar of Jesus and plead His precious blood over addictions to homosexuality, witchcraft, beastiality, drugs, prostitution, cartoon pornography, and liberalism that can all be traced back to being seduced by the Scooby Doo cartoon series as a child, but entire books could be written on the subject.

We place this message of Christian love and experience here only because we know that Hollywood is preparing to unleash this terror from Hell on an already suffering Christian Nation. We urge you to protest vocally, and protest in silence by putting the $7 you would have paid to see the film, "Scooby Doo," into the offering plate at your local Bible-believing Baptist Church on Sunday morning.

I'm all for do whatever you want, believe in whatever you want but sometimes I can't help but think a global euthanization program would solve so many problems if handled correctly.