Bush Announces Formation of Ends Justify The Ways and Means Committee

Washington – President Bush today announced the formation of a new House committee, the main function of which will be to condone the actions undertaken by the executive branch by holding up their end goals as justification. The Ends Justify the Ways and Means Committee will be chaired by Jim Sensenbrenner (R-WI).

“I am honored to be named chair of this all-important committee,” Sensenbrenner said, in a joint statement with President Bush at the White House. “I will do everything in my power to justify the actions of the executive branch by calling attention to their end goals. And on the occasion where the stated end goal needs to be changed or adjusted based on information recently made public, the incident will be referred to the Committee on Historical Revision, which has been doing wonderful work throughout the tenure of this administration.”

President Bush cited the current political climate as ripe for a committee such as the Ends Justify the Ways and Means Committee. He focused on the need for an official body to answer continued criticism.

“In these times of increased polarization between the political parties, there’s always someone saying, you can’t do this, you can’t do that, the president said. “‘You can’t spy on Americans,’ they say. Or, ‘You can’t just start a war. You can’t let people drown in a hurricane,’ and so on. Well, now, the people making these kind of reckless assertions will have to answer to Chairman Sensenbrenner and this committee, which will point out the end goals that were in mind when these actions were undertaken. Intentions and goals are what this administration are all about. Are your intentions good? That’s what I always ask. Not Vice President Cheney so much, but everybody else. And if you can tell me your intentions are good, then I don’t care about the execution. Anyone who knows me can tell you that. And I don’t even necessarily care if the intention you tell me you had was actually the one you had. Because you had the ingenuity to make one up, and that impresses me.”

Mr. Bush noted one goal that he said trumps all others, namely protecting the American people from a terrorist attack.

“Ask yourself a question,” Mr. Bush said. “Are you still alive, or have you been blown up by a terrorist? If the answer is yes, you’re still alive, which I assume it is, then we’ve achieved that main end, that main goal. And that’s all that matters. Now, you may say, What does a terrorist attack have to do with my house being foreclosed or with a hurricane in New Orleans? And to that I say this: It doesn’t matter that they’re not related. Because our intention was good. A good intention that has nothing to do with anything is more important than what actually happened. You see? Intentions. Now, I’m not sure what I just said, but I know my intentions were good when I said it, so I feel good about it. I feel real good.”