Sunday, April 11, 2010

Tonight.

I experienced something today that I didn't know I was capable of.

My boyfriend recently found out that one of his good friends, whom he had lost contact with in the past few years, killed himself. It's a horrible story and it's something terrible that I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like. I've never really lost someone close to me, I mean the last funeral that I went to was my great-grandmothers and I didn't really know her. I remember crying during the mass part of the funeral and also when they were lowering the casket into the ground.

Anyways, those tears don't really count since I was only maybe 11 or something and the emotions were mainly forced upon me with my first encounter with death and the after-effects. I knew that I was supposed to be sad, so I was sad. It's been something I hope to avoid having to deal with for a long time, but I'm sure it's the same thing with anyone. Death is something that happens but something that never wants to be dealt with.

When I saw my boyfriend tonight for the first time since he told me what had happened, the moment I stepped into the car it was an entire wave of sadness rushed towards me. I felt it instantly. I've never experienced that before. I've always been an emotional person but I've never been connected to someone like that. I wanted to cry right there in the car, while we were driving to dinner. We didn't really say much, just like how was your day and that stuff but just felt the energy that he was emitting and there was so much sadness, it was overwhelming.

I don't know if I'm describing this right. It was almost as if I was displaying the emotions that he was trying to hide throughout the night. We went out for sushi with a couple of friends and after we were at my house watching a movie and just being close. He told me about his friend, how him and his friends are now able to be friends again but it's terrible that the reason why it's possible is because one of them has died. My lip started to tremble, my breathing became irregular and then the tears started to fall. I felt how deeply this whole thing has affected him and I just couldn't help but cry. I've never met this person, I didn't even ask what his name was, it didn't matter. I knew he cared for this person and that's all that it took. All my emotions fell to shit and all I could do was cry. I cried on and off for about 20 minutes.

Anyways, even thought I spent all of my previous entry explaining how I found the right way to fall in love, this whole thing just further pushed me in the direction that I am in the right place, with the right person. If he is capable of making me feel all the feelings that he wasn't able to actually show me, I must share something special with him.

I watched Elizabethtown tonight (and Almost Famous) and I have to just confess my absolute adoration for these two movies but especially Elizabethtown. I know it didn't get the greatest reviews when it came out, but honestly it's one of the best movies I've seen in a while. Orlando Bloom doesn't make the most believeable American but he grows on you and so does Kirsten Dunst. Just the story and the music and the character development, it was just so perfect. There is one scene towards the end of the movie when Drew is driving on his road trip and there is like this music montage of him driving, talking to his dad's urn and him crying, this scene makes me cry every single time in the exact same place. I don't know what it is about this particular scene that gets to me or why I find it so touching, it just does. Cameron Crowe is an amazing director. I'm also listening to the soundtrack to Elizabethtown and it isn't the happiest soundtrack but it's just so perfect. Perfect for how I'm feeling right now, which is a little sadness but an overall happiness because things are only going to get better. I feel like things are finally falling into the right place and I'm with someone that makes me feel beautiful, smart, special, important and needed.