Weight loss and weight shame: what not to do

Forget shame or guilt about your weight, other people's expectations or dieting just to fit a certain dress size. Self motivation, not guilt, is the best way for weight loss success.

Melissa Stewart's wedding day was not far away and she was putting the final touches to her outfit with a friend. As she got changed in a dressing room, her friend looked her up and down and bluntly told her she'd inherited her family's legs - not a compliment. Her friend's blunt words filled her with guilt about her weight.

'As much as I tried to block them out, those words stayed in my mind on my wedding day,' says Melissa, 24, from Brisbane. 'I'd tried to lose weight because of comments like that before, but it never worked because it was more about everyone putting pressure on me. I'd think, 'Okay, I'll show you.' But then when people left me to it, I'd go back to my old habits of eating chocolate and takeaway. My heart wasn't in losing weight because I hadn't worked out the right reason for me at that stage.'

Ignore weight guilt and use your motivation

Over the past year, however, Melissa has embraced weight loss and motivation, going from a size 20 and 125 kilos to a size 16 and 104 kilos. 'I set up a home decor party-plan business with my sister and I really wanted it to work,' she says. 'I soon realised that I am the business - if I'm not healthy, how can I expect my business to be healthy? I could see something there in other people's eyes when they first met me. I think they saw me as less professional because I was overweight. I knew I needed to change my image to support my business and health.' Along with changing her eating habits, Melissa recruited a personal coach to help her reach her goal of 80 kilos. 'I'm eating smaller, healthier meals, drinking plenty of water and the business keeps me running around all day. Most importantly, I'm losing weight for myself - not anyone else.'

Why weight shame and criticism works against diet

The Australian Institute of Sport estimates 96 to 98 per cent of people who diet regain the weight they lose within two to three years. When losing weight is motivated by negative self-talk, shame, criticism, feelings of not being good enough and hurtful comments about appearance and weight, it isn't a sustainable and healthy weight-loss journey, according to Dr Andrew Dawson, a lecturer in exercise and sports coaching and psychology at Melbourne's Deakin University.

'The biggest impact of shaming someone is guilt, and this creates anxiety and counter-productive behaviours,' he says. -For example, a person may become secretive about their eating when they are with the person who shames them, or they may comfort eat because they feel anxious. They may be hungry and look in the cupboard or fridge with a sense of dread because they feel they shouldn't eat this or that. If they do, they feel like a failure because they've let the other person down,' explains Dr Dawson.

The impact of shame on weight

Dr Ronald McCoy, spokesperson for the Royal Australian College of General Practitioners, agrees shaming does not lead to lasting weight loss. 'Shame is toxic because it builds into a cycle or a barrier that prevents sustained weight loss,' he says. 'A lot of people with weight problems would really like to do something about it and already feel disempowered. Shame creates a barrier to those people accessing help,' he adds. 'It can also lead to being overly restrictive with foods, and can cause bingeing. So someone who has one chocolate biscuit then eats the whole box because they feel guilty about having that first one. But small amounts of unhealthy foods aren't going to hurt in a balanced diet.'

Find the right reasons for weight loss

So what are some of the right reasons to lose weight? Only you know what feels comfortable, but read on for some common ways to help maximise your motivation for weight loss.

Get positive about weight loss

'To be successful in anything, you have to want it yourself,' says Vanessa Parry, a Weight Watchers Leader on the Gold Coast. 'For me, the biggest reason to lose weight was to become a better role model for my kids and be more active with them. That kept me motivated.'

Reduce weight and improve healtha

Losing five per cent of your weight can reduce the risk of health problems like diabetes and heart disease. A health scare can be a real wake-up call,' says Dr McCoy. 'For these people, losing weight isn't about how they look, but about their health, and people who focus on health tend to do better losing weight and keeping it off long term.'

Hang out with friends and family

If having shame about your weight has curbed your social life, a family event or a special occasion can be a positive motivation to lose weight. If you feel self-conscious when you're out, stick to an eating plan that will give you confidence, says Dr Dawson. 'When you go to a barbecue or party and only eat what you want to, this gives you a boost because you know you're in control,' he adds. Also motivate yourself with the positive social support of Facebook or Kidspot Social.

Get back that body confidence

When you start to achieve some of your weight-loss goals, your confidence will naturally increase and you'll be motivated to continue with a healthier lifestyle. That body confidence will also give you the courage to stand up to anyone who tries to shame you into feeling bad about your weight. 'Turn their comments into a positive by using them to motivate yourself on your weight-loss journey and prove a point to that person,' says Vanessa.

Ditch that weight shame for weight loss

'Attached to shame is a fear of failure. Toss out the shame and you'll feel better,' says Dr McCoy. 'Identify irrational thoughts and all-or-nothing thinking. Embrace healthy eating and combine it with physical activity and you will be less anxious, have better moods, sleep better and have more energy to get you through the day.'

Take back control of your life - and weight!

When it all seems too difficult, taking a big-picture view can help you get inspired. 'Think about the difference losing weight will make. If you think it's too hard, ask yourself how hard it is to be in a body you're not happy with,' says Vanessa. 'It's not about your partner, friends or kids not wanting you to be that way. It's what's important to you that matters.'