Today I Learned That Rich People Can Pay Cash to Improve the Odds of Certain Figures Becoming Saints

This week, [Pope Francis] took another, less controversial step in that direction, calling for a “spending review” that includes settling on a cap for expenses tied to the canonization causes of would-be saints. In the past, critics charged that figures backed by well-financed supporters usually became saints more quickly than their more meagerly financed counterparts.

Mother Teresa is not yet a saint… but maybe she’d become one if y’all chipped in a few more bucks

Two miracles, my ass. Who knew canonization was like the run-up to the Academy Awards? Turns out your friends just needed to slip a few Euros to the powers that be and voila! Sainthood.

The money was actually spent — at least in theory — on “expedited investigations” of potential saints’ lives, allowing investigators to process claims of “miracles” at a faster pace. (I could’ve saved everyone a ton a money; the supposed “miracles” never happened. You’re welcome.)

Now, there’s a cap on how much money can be spent on each candidate, making the process simpler and fairer, to paraphrase head of the canonization office Cardinal Angelo Amato.

It’s still all sorts of corrupt. But there’s at least a cap on how much money you can waste trying to quickly prove the existence of things that are, by definition, supernatural.