Musings on Life And Love From a Bonafide Conservative Genius

Yachting

“Montgomery?” I said groggily, staring at my decrepit butler through sleep-encrusted eyes. He was carrying one of my solid-gold house phones on a diamond-studded platinum tray. “What’s the meaning of this? Who sent you?” “Telephone call, guv’nor,” he said. “From… Read More ›

Greetings peasants. Yes, today is my 56th birthday. Yes, it’s also this blog’s — and let me note, I’m still not clear on what a blog is — 10th anniversary. But to answer a question I’ve received repeatedly today: No…. Read More ›

“Alright everyone, cover your ears!” I shouted, my voice amplified by a high-powered bullhorn. “This is going to be loud!” I touched the torch to the cannon’s wick and was soon rewarded with a thunderous explosion. The cannonball rocketed toward… Read More ›

I have to admit, this holiday means very little to me. You see, due to our vast wealth and high-placed connections, not a single member of the Carver family has served in the military. Much less died in a war…. Read More ›

I’m pleased to report that I’m finally back at my palatial estate following a very harrowing weekend at sea. However, my attorneys have asked me to avoid discussing any new criminal charges which may or may not have been filed against… Read More ›

I don’t have much time to chat. Coast Guard officers are currently making a mockery of the Fourth Amendment by scouring my yacht, the Donkey Punch, with a fine-toothed comb, and I’ve barricaded myself in my cabin until my attorneys… Read More ›

I was in a great mood when I woke up today, which is always a rare event. Unfortunately, that ended soon after I arrived at the offices of Luddite, Crapstone & Fuchs, and my secretary is solely to blame. “Good… Read More ›

No doubt about it — my new yacht is worth every penny. And believe me, I paid plenty of pennies for that beauty. More than most of you will ever have, that’s for sure. I took her out on her maiden voyage… Read More ›

Yeah, so I bought a yacht. She’s a Princess 25M, which I’ve dubbed the Donkey Punch. Nothing too fancy, just enough to separate me from the ever-growing number of people who can afford cabin cruisers. You know, keeping ahead of the Joneses… Read More ›

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Countdown To Freedom

January 20th, 2017

Free at last.

Etc.

Most persons and all events depicted on this blog are fictitious and none of it should be taken seriously. The views and opinions expressed by Oswald J. Carver III are not shared by the author, save for those regarding the attractiveness of big butts on women and general awesomeness of '70s rock music.