Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about Noah’s Ark and couldn’t help imagining what Noah and everyone was up to once they were on dry land again, and the only people left on earth.

Noah Sleeps It Off

In last week’s lesson, God turned on the heavenly hose full blast until everything that breathed couldn’t breath anymore, and all the bad people on earth became dead, except for God’s favorite man, Noah, who built an ark etc. etc. (See Old MacDonald’s Farm for more information).

When God finally pulled the plug on the deluge, Noah was 601 years old even though Noah didn’t look a day over 500 and could still touch his toes!

While Noah’s wife and Noah’s three sons Ham, Shem and Japheth and their kids enjoyed sifting through the flood debris for cool stuff, Noah spent most of the time moping in his tent and picking the mud off his robe.

Occasionally Noah would schlep through the flood debris to the barbecue/altar to fix the Lord and (and himself) a Shem burger invented by his son Shem (his son Ham was too lazy to invent anything).

“Lord! I give you the Shem Burger!”

But mostly Noah sat around just whining and complaining to his wife, Betty, about how much he missed mankind.

Betty: Noah, you really need to stop laying around all day kvetching.

Noah: There’s nothing else to do. I hate this place, it’s so boring!

Betty: How can you say that when there’s so much debris out there just waiting to be sifted through. Look what I found just today?

Noah: What is it?

Betty: An apple with one bite out of it!

Noah: Weird.

Betty: Listen, Noah why don’t you start on a project. Do something constructive. You’re a farmer. Maybe you could plant something.

Noah: Hey that’s a swell idea, Betty. I’ll plant a vineyard!

Betty: A vineyard? But we don’t drink. I don’t think the Lord would approve of that, Noah.

Really Rene? I am so happy to hear that!! Thank you so much for your encouragement. And I will keep writing them because they are so much fun to write and luckily I have a lot of material to work with!

Ah thanks Mark. I think I like Noah drunk better than I like him sober! But I just don’t see Russel Crow as Noah. I think Christopher Lloyd might be a better choice for my version. Plus he’d be a more convincing 601 year old.

Even the area where I was from in southern Alabama was more progressive than to resort to this particular tale as a justification for racism. Thanks for sharing this though. I know it’s not verbatim how it all went down, but it seems at least 98% straight from the Bible with just minimal paraphrasing mixed in to keep it moving. I had always wondered about this story. Now I don’t have to dust the old thing off and crack it open!

As a justification for racism? I guess I never thought of it like that before . . .

I thought it was interesting that the bible doesn’t mention what in the world they did when they got off the ark and there was nothing, no civilization, no people, just them and a bunch of animals. It must have been pretty depressing and boring. So it was fun imagining what might have happened. I’m looking forward to the movie to see how Hollywood spins it.

Yeah! Some people say that Ham’s skin was turned black in punishment for his sin. We have black people because of this story (or so some say). They use it as a way of basing the origin of Africans as the product of some ancient sin.