Thursday, November 19, 2015

Another
presidential candidate has bitten the dust. Bobby Jindal ended his bid for the
republican nomination.

Bobby
Jindal. Do you know who I’m talking about? Governor of Louisiana. Indian descent. Will use any
political talking point to get attention but never actually DO anything.

It’s not
surprising you can’t place him. He was polling just behind a garden rake from Tuscaloosa that was running
on a platform of branding leaf blowers as terrorists.

During the
debates Bobby was like the last child seated at the kid’s dinner table at
Thanksgiving. He was that cousin that no one really knew because the family
lived 2000 miles away and only visited over the Holidays. The kid that used the
mashed potatoes as paste to glue his turkey and ham together in an abominable
hybrid of two beloved meats and then smiled with palpable evil as he flung it
at the 16 year old daughter of the host who just missed making the cut for the
adult’s table. If only great Aunt Lorraine
hadn’t shown up at the last minute.

This was
Bobby Jindal. The desperate wanna-be, the never-was, never-had-a-chance, the
why-bother money-waster, the time-stealer, the zero-excitement-generating
no-new-ideas-bringing no one listens when he talks dictionary definition of
just one more politician with no self-awareness.

Bobby
Jindal whose campaign slogan could have been:

Bobby Jindal: I’m a Real Person!

Bobby
Jindal, who, while talking to any crowd, always had a look on his face that
said “Is this mike on?”

Bobby
Jindal, who announced his candidacy by surreptitiously filming his family’s
befuddled reaction when he told them he was running and then showed it to the
world like he was Ashton Kutcher punking his own children. Parenting with a
twist of assholishness.

To the 811
people who were supporting Bobby’s run, seek help immediately. You have deep,
troubling problems that can only be solved with group therapy and
pharmaceutical grade hallucinogens. Godspeed.

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Jeb Bush, America’s 1997 southeast district
manager of the year is running for president. His main reasons of course are
unresolved daddy issues and that his brother George won’t stop teasing him
about being governor of Florida, the state
voted the most likely to be jettisoned into the Atlantic
Ocean.

Jeb’s
first attempt at a campaign slogan was “Jeb!” which sounded like an 80’s sitcom
on Fox where by season 2 his dopey brother George was getting all the attention
by saying his catchphrase “mission accomplished” after one of his hilarious
high jinks. The voting public was less than enthusiastic about Jeb! preferring
racist persimmon Donald Trump and his catchphrase, “Make America Pure Again”.

In a rare
mid-campaign change, Jeb and his crack team of middle managers came up with:
“Jeb Can Fix It”

Uh huh.

Jeb can’t
go a week without saying something stupid so I think your underlying logic for
this statement is flawed. Here are some suggestions that fit better with Jeb’s
strengths:

Jeb: You Voted for My Brother Twice!

Jeb Kind of Looks like Your Uncle

Jeb: Tell me what I Need to Say

I also
think his campaign staff is not helping so it’s time to recruit new blood. I’ve
put this ad on Craig’s List for Jeb:

Republican Presidential candidate seeks a
competent direction for rudderless campaign. Also need a new slogan, a better
platform and some personality. Billionaires welcome, Caucasian a plus. No
chicks.

I’m sure
with these changes Jeb’s campaign will lead him to stay in the race until at
least March when he’ll finally see the writing on the wall of the Holiday Inn
men’s room and drop out.