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Evolution of the Self

Undeniably, forgiving others for their wrongs to you has many practical, as well as spiritual, advantages. But the problem is that too often it takes place in the head, rather than the heart. Primarily an intellectual act, it doesn’t go nearly far enough. Rational, logical, and objective, it assumes—wrongly—that mental effort alone can talk the heart out of its feelings.

Sure, you need boundaries. And undeniably, you have the right to assert them—whether to safeguard your privacy, self-respect, or basic sense of decency. So it’s crucial to develop the ability and self-confidence to say no, or to tell others to stop doing what they’re doing. But what also needs to be emphasized is that some of your boundaries may be holding you hostage. . .

When someone comes into therapy essentially requesting a major mental and emotional overhaul, I typically warn them that we’ll be doing a lot of grief work. That is, if we’re to accomplish a major transformation of their self-image, they’ll need to revisit many of the times and places where their painfully felt insecurities and self-doubts originated.

In my previous post, I emphasized that merely "salvaging" a relationship can’t lead to meaningful, long-lasting couples’ change. The main problem with such rescuing is that it focuses mostly on reducing the negatives between the two beleaguered partners. What’s really needed is for them to identify—and effectively address—the deeper dynamics of their relational distress.

Surely, we all know (or know of) a hypochondriac. And a cyberchondriac—a colloquial term for hypochondriacs perpetually scouring the Internet for diseases that might fit their worrisome symptoms—have also become increasingly prominent. But might there be some practical benefits to being hypervigilant about atypical or anomalous bodily sensations?

When I speak of “old programs,” I’m referring to childhood decisions you made to better adapt to a conditionally accepting family. After all, when you’re highly dependent on your caretakers for comfort, guidance, and support, what could be more essential than feeling securely bonded to them? For you certainly can't function autonomously. . . .

All bitterness starts out as hurt. And your emotional pain may well relate to viewing whomever, or whatever, provoked this hurt as having malicious intent: as committing a grave injustice toward you, as gratuitously wronging you and causing you grief. For righteous anger is what we’re all likely to experience whenever we conclude that another has seriously abused us.

Positive connotations for the word "salvage" aren’t very favorable. For salvaging something typically involves rescuing it after it’s been all but lost or destroyed. Whatever is retrieved is hardly in the best shape. If you’re in a relationship that has seriously decayed, merely “saving” it from its final demise doesn’t mean you’ve made it all that much better.

Being codependent is hardly the same as simply being dependent. And in some ways it’s crucial that these two types of dependency be seen as distinct—as too often hasn’t been the case. Not, however, that codependent individuals aren’t dependent on others. So what's the peculiar dynamic operating in such relationships that makes them so tricky to understand?

When we talk about our dark side, we’re generally calling attention to our most aggressive, or lustful, anti-social instincts. Acting out impulses that would disrupt others’ lives—if not downright decimate them. But what I’d like to suggest is that our darkest fantasies might not be anywhere as demonic as typically supposed.

These three all-too-common phrases relate to remarks—whether well-meaning or not—virtually guaranteed to antagonize your mate. Regardless of your motive, the likely reaction to such ill-chosen expressions will range from their going completely silent on you to their exploding at your seeming lack of empathy and understanding. Frankly, men are more guilty of imprudent . . .

I’ve long been intrigued by clichés that, while embodying precious nuggets of wisdom, contradict other clichés. So we have “better safe than sorry,” yet also “nothing ventured, nothing gained.” How, then, are we to reconcile these opposing verities? The physicist Niels Bohr once reflected that "the opposite of one profound truth may very well be another profound truth."

Study after study has revealed that one of women’s most popular erotic fantasies is being raped. Yet the fundamental dynamics of such fantasies has almost nothing to do with such a heinous act—which isn’t simply aggressive, but coercive, violent, and at times life-threatening. A woman’s feeling scared out of her mind is hardly conducive to sexual arousal...

So what could be so bad about feeling good—I mean really, really good? Unfortunately, like so many other, all-too-complicated things in life, the whole notion of bliss is replete with ethical contradictions and inconsistencies.

The expression “I was beside myself” is one of our language's most intriguing idioms. And the mental state—or better, feeling state—it refers to bears a peculiar resemblance to the splitting of schizophrenia. Still, this familiar phrase is hardly to be taken literally. So just what essential part of you suddenly makes a guest appearance when you're feeling this way?

When Playboy was in its heyday, women’s breasts reigned supreme (and rather large ones at that). But over the past several decades it appears that the media generally has been paying increasingly greater attention to the lower region of women’s two dominant anatomical protrusions. So might it be possible that more men actually prefer to ogle a woman’s buns than her bust?

Many common expressions support the paradoxical claim that to go fast, it’s best to go slow. One of my favorite comes from the 12-step model of addiction recovery--which goes: “Failing to plan, we plan to fail.” In the hurry to progress with something as quickly as possible, it’s all too easy to neglect or short-circuit some aspect essential to its successful completion.

Because we live in a competitive, work-driven society, adult play gets far more lip service than actual practice. Yet research has repeatedly shown that couples that play together stay together. Still, saddled with the manifold responsibilities of being a grown-up, kicking back and getting crazy—or “crazy romantic”—with your partner may rarely make it to your "to do" list.

Humanism has a particularly noble, longstanding history. Nonetheless, its secular, non-Christian orientation would seem to constitute the main reason that right-wing pundits like to attack it as immoral—and link it negatively to hedonism. For as Greek Hedonism was literally pre-Christian, today’s humanism might (at least symbolically) be seen as post-Christian.

How many times have you thought you were communicating clearly, only to discover that your words were taken in a way you never could have imagined? And likely, more negatively (though, at times, more positively, too). Here are eight varying explanations as to why the communication that you delivered might be quite different from the communication actually received.

Do you feel free to be yourself? Have you ever been told that you overreact to others—or perhaps that you underreact to them? In one way or another, behavioral programs that were adaptive for you in childhood may be continuing, however irrationally, to govern your behavior as an adult. And if this is the case, the present post may offer you some "actionable" insights.

So when does your partner’s behavior least warrant your affection and caring? Maybe when, under the circumstances, their anger seems completely unjustified? when it’s exaggerated, ill-mannered—or experienced as just plain mean. Or maybe when you can’t help but regard them as being totally unreasonable: rigid; stubborn; dense; surly; disrespectful; passive-aggressive . . .

Consider that—quite literally—your dreams are comprised of visual and auditory hallucinations. But thoroughly “wrapped up” in them, you can’t help but experience them as real. Fantasy and reality are no longer separable: they’re fused, indistinguishable. And in your most pleasurable dreams, what’s being dramatized is the fulfillment of a personal wish. . . .

Far too often when we confront someone, we’re not considering how our requesting (or demanding!) that they change will actually benefit them. Rather, in the moment our sole concern is for ourselves. And this is the case whether our encounter is contrived to offer us an advantage over them, advance our particular preferences, or simply make us more comfortable with them....

If there’s such a thing as a city's "psyche,” then Cleveland’s just got a boost beyond anything other than their Indians’ winning the World Series back in (gasp!) 1948. So how can a single individual--namely, basketball superstar LeBron James--have such a monumental effect on so many people?--as though all of Cleveland’s citizenry just won an Olympic gold medal?

If you weren’t conflicted about doing something, you’d do it, right? The problem is that much of the time, as regards tackling a task or pursuing a project, you’re of two separate minds. One part of you knows it should be done and is ready to do it. The other part, and for any number of reasons—eight of which I’ll enumerate below—doggedly resists your best efforts.

Anyone who’s watched old Disney cartoons knows that Donald Duck is all-too-easily provoked to fits of temper. And perhaps what stands out most about Donald’s squawking tantrums is how ludicrous they make him appear. In fact, the angrier he gets, the more impossible it is to take him seriously.

There are many situations where it’s extremely difficult not to respond, especially when someone has just pushed your buttons. But in tense, problematic circumstances it never makes much sense to respond—or better, react—impulsively. What’s needed is a moment to reflect on whether your instant reaction, if expressed, will make things better…or, more likely, worse.

All feelings–vs. thoughts–have a certain physiology to them. You cannot experience an emotion without at the same time experiencing a corresponding bodily sensation (or sensations). And each of your emotions resides in a particular place(s) in your body–their “native home,” as it were. Unless you feel an emotion so intense and overpowering that it’s all over your body

Have you ever felt happy and sad at the same time? Or experienced an emotion as bittersweet? Or had feelings so mixed that you were compelled to vacillate between two courses of action—or reaction? If you can relate to any of these possibilities, this piece should help you better understand those times when you're feeling uncertain, confused, or ambivalent.

About Evolution of the Self

This blog is mostly about helping readers develop deeper insights into themselves and others. Aiming to be as practical as possible--and adopting a non-blaming, non-shaming perspective toward our various foibles--it suggests ways in which we may become more aware, more contented, and happier, individuals. The therapist/writer's many varied posts have by now received over 8 million views.