"This year, we're prepared," stated Fearless Leader, as the guest star
was taken away on a cyberstretcher. "activate the backup!"

Cerulean energy blurred midstage, and a blue, glowing version of
Pointless Awards Man appeared. "Emergency Awards Hologram activated.
Please state the nature of the awarding emergency."

"All right, everyone, back to your places..."

The Emergency Awards Hologram shuddered, and suddenly took on a winning
smile. The Easily-Discovered Band struck up a rousing tune. "Welcome,
friends, enemies, and innocent, disposable bystanders! Yes, it's the
2008 RACCies, where the elite meet and bleat about wheat! Here she is,
Miss Rec.arts.comics.creative! A thousand elephants! And now, to rip
off Hugh Jackman—" BLAM

"Oh, Kirby damn it."

The hologram was stretchered away, and Fearless Leader stepped up to
the stage. "Well, it looks like I'm going to be emceeing this year.
First up are— um, yes?"

"As I was saying, first up are the Discretionary Awards, which will be
presented by Jolt City's premiere sidekick, the Blue Boxer."

The crowd cheered as the person who's really Derek Mason but we're not
supposed to know that rode in on a unicycle. "Thanks, everyone. This
is the night where the stars come out, and ever since my fight with
Mecha-Pol Pot, I've been seeing stars! Hey-o!"

Crickets.

"...fire that stupid joke writer... Anyway, our first award of the
night is the 'FLICKERING FLAME OF CIVILIZATION' ROMAN CANDLE AWARD, for
doing thankless adminstrative tasks for years on end, goes to Russ
'Eagle' Allbery!"

A dazzling spray of sparks flew into the air, along with a precog for
Birds Fly #4.

"Next is the 'JUST FORTY-SEVEN CENTS A DAY' AWARD for contributing any
way you can, which goes to Mitchell 'Tarq' Crouch for Hymenoptera!"

A swarm of Monarchs (and a single Viceroy) were released, flying out
the skylight. (Why there's a skylight above the stage, we don't know.)

"And finally, the GOLDEN SPOON for stirring up conversation in threads
goes to Martin Phipps!"

Cheesecake-Eater Lad came out. A giant pot of words rose from the
floor, and he stuck the spoon into it, stirring around. He pulled it
out, and a beautiful woven rug was inside.

Fearless Leader stepped up. "And now, for the regular Named Awards,
which will be presented by the Unfinished Sentence-Verse's Hank
Rancherson!"

There were peals of applause as an intellectual-looking man holding a
teddy bear came up and adjusted the microphone. "Thank you, Fearless
Leader. You know, ever since my head was shot off by a giant robot,
I've

"Lalo!" Several dead members of the New Misfits came up to accept, and
Locked Room noted, "I only appear in a single continuity-implant
series, yet thanks to our writer's ridiculous posting rate, it's like
I'm a five-twenty-three part of history!"

"And the winner is... the LNH Wiki!" Grand applause.... that died down
as nobody stepped up to take the trophy. Finally, Wikiboy scooted up,
bowed, took it, and scooted back.

"Well, there you are." Hank dusted off his hands, and

"...that's odd, I could have sworn he was here a moment ago." Fearless
Leader shrugged. "Our next presenter comes from Artifice Comics.
Ladies and gentlemen, Johann Weisz!"

Weisz strolled up, waving lazily to the crowd's acclaim. He took the
cigarette out of his mouth and dropped it on the stage, stubbing it out
with his foot. "Thank y'all. Now, I'm not a speechmaker... so let's
get to it."

"The first award is RACC19, FAVORITE NEW TITLE, and the nominees are...
what, really? There's only one? You didn't even consider Post Modern?
Fuckers. Anyway, the winner is First Person Shooter Man!"

A thoomp was heard, and Will(iam O.) Smith rocketjumped past the the
stage, grabbing the award before he crashed into the wings.

"...huh. Well, the next award is RACC18, FAVORITE NEW WRITER, and...
oh, come on, you guys. Only one new writer? Advertise or something,
I don't know. I need the royalties, dammit. Oh, and the winner is
Nicholas O'Connor."

William stumbled back out and picked up the trophy before falling into
the orchestra pit.

"Sigh. All right, RACC17, MOST IMPROVED AUTHOR. Finally, a category
with more than one person in it. Of course, most of you could use
improvement, eh?" He ducks the tomatoes, bottles, and spleens. "Heh heh
heh. The nominees are..."

"And the winner is... people protesting in-story about the lateness of
Beige Midnight!" Kid Not Appearing In Any Beige Midnight Story flew
in, gave a Nixon-esque victory sign, took the award, and left.

As Squeaky Clean worked doubletime behind him, Fearless Leader took the
mike. "Our next presenter needs... a lot of introduction, actually.
I've never heard of this guy."

Offscreen, a voice shouted, "Hey, I was one of the main characters in
Bride of C'thulhu!"

"...right. So, anyway, please welcome Dualist Lad!"

A young man in a half-silver, half-gold outfit came on, mumbling,
"Bride of C'thulhu, y'know, one of the classic LNH cascades... ahem.
Greetings to everyone out there in the audience and those watching live
on RACCCast around the world! Let's RACCie up!"

While the crowd was still muttering in confusion, Dualist Lad
continued. "This award is one that's gained a bit of class this year.
The finalists for RACC15, BEST DISCUSSION, are..."

"The Problem With Dialogue!" (Captain Continuity speaks with the voice
of The Tick)

«THE FATE OF RACC9, FAVORITE NEW CHARACTER, HAS BEEN DECIDED. THE
CHOICES:»

«TWITTER» (A blur of motion streaks back and forth inside an LNH
flight.thingee; Anal-Retentive Archive Kid holds his head in his hands)

«FIRST PERSON SHOOTER MAN» (Cannon Fodder gets telefragged)

«ONE HAS BEEN CHOSEN: TWITTER»

A glittering rush sped to the microphone. "@Everybody: Thanks a lot!" A
twinkle and she was gone.

«THE FATE OF RACC8, FAVORITE SUPPORTING CHARACTER, HAS BEEN DECIDED.
THE CHOICES:»

«RIPPING DANCER» (Ripping Dancer looks at a photo of herself
crucified and raises an eyebrow)

«WIKIBOY» (Wikiboy jumps up and down on one foot with eight pieces of
gum on his face singing the "I'm Just Me" song)

«DEREK MASON» (Crap falls on him from a great height)

«ONE HAS BEEN CHOSEN: WIKIBOY»

Wikiboy walks up. "I'd make a speech, but my editors inform me that
fiction communities on the Internet aren't notable, so..." He shrugs
and walks off.

«THE FATE OF RACC7, FAVORITE VILLAIN/ANTAGONIST, HAS BEEN DECIDED.
THE CHOICES:»

«DEREK RADNER» (A flowery, pink diary is crushed by an iron fist)

«HEX LUTHOR» (Yet more globe-caressing; he really seems to be getting
into it)

«THREAD BEAR» (Ripping Dancer is entangled in a spider's web with
spools at the edges)

«ONE HAS BEEN CHOSEN: HEX LUTHOR»

Hex enters, stage left, and says, "Thank you all for your completely
non-mind-controlled votes! Here's to four more years!" Suddenly,
Bicycle Repair Lad jumps him from the rafters, and they exit, stage
right, in a ball of dust and fists.

«THE FATE OF RACC6, FAVORITE HERO/PROTAGONIST, HAS BEEN DECIDED. THE
CHOICES:»

"Here we go," said Trademark Lass, holding up a novel. "The Mysterious
Affair at Styles, published 1920. His first appearance, and it's out
of copyright."

"But aren't the rest of his books still under copyright?"

"Technically, you could use the version established in this book,
without referring to details from later works."

"That's a technicality I'm not sure I want to depend on."

"Don't forget trademark issues."

"Hmmmmm..." They moved into a huddle, whispering.

Fearless Leader stepped back up. "As I was saying, the presenter for
the final five awards will be none other than... C. Auguste Dupin!"

The master of ratiocination entered. "Thank you, Mssr. F––– L––––. We
may as well get on with this, eh?"

"I have fashioned my intellect in the shape of the mass, such as can be
found within an assemblage of poets and workers of serial form. In
this way, I identified the solution to RACC5, FAVORITE SINGLE ISSUE.
You see, there were only three possibilities, among these..."

"Beige Countdown #5." (The flying ball of fists, and a globe rolls by)

"And Beige Countdown #10." (Also Sprach Zarathustra plays as the sun
comes up over a giant kiwi (the fruit, not the bird))

"It was a simple matter, thus, to see which would excite the emotions.
In the end, it could only be Beige Countdown #10."

Girlwatcher came up. "Ahem," he said. "My stars, they're full of gods."

He left.

"A mathematician would call it meaningless, a logician would call it a
null statement, yet, there it is," noted Dupin. "Torvalds noted that
there are three states of technology; survival, social order, and
entertainment. Our subject tonight is the last of these; but for
RACC4, FAVORITE ARC, it was the first."

"The lady, that is, Jolt City's 'The Sensational Character Find of
2007'..." (Derek and Martin have an '80s training montage)

"Sadly, unlike that classic tale, ours has a simple ending; the cat is
out of the box. Imperium Hex."

The rolling ball of Hex Luthor and Bicycle Repair Lad rolled to a halt
in front of the podium. Hex wearily picked up the award, attempted to
hit BRL on the head with it, and flopped over.

"Such a man could not have failed to anticipate the ordinary; it was
the extraordinary that did him in. So it is with RACC3, FAVORITE
MINI-SERIES. As a speeding train crashes in flame, so did these speed
through their days and gutter out. Study well these cases:"

"Beige Countdown." (A clock, five minutes to midnight.)

"Beige Midnight." (The clock in flames, curling up like a piece of
paper.)

"Silver-Age Superfreaks." (Buster Keaton, hanging from the above.)

"In the end, a flicker still burned, and in the end, Beige Midnight
wins."

The award fell off the podium and conked the almost-risen Bicycle
Repair Lad, who flopped back.

"Monstrum horrendum, an unprincipled man of genius. Would I say, then,
that there is no hope? Indeed not. It is simply that we must exercise
the little grey—"

A cough came from backstage.

"—the little grey hamsters on the wheels of our brains," Dupin
smoothly segued. "RACC2, FAVORITE ONGOING SERIES, did just that. A man
who would succeed does not necessarily need to strive; he simply needs
to put the right piece in the right place. Three pieces might have fit
in the puzzle..."

"...and Jolt City..." (Abner Schrebel launches into a vaudeville act,
only to get pulled offstage by a giant hook)

"...and yet, only one of them actually did. There was a hole remaining
shaped like Jolt City."

Dani Handler and Pam Bierce come in from opposite sides of the stage,
kicking and punching guards (who weren't there five minutes ago). They
meet up in the middle, both grab the award, and they grappling-hook out
through the skylight (seriously, why is that thing up there!?).

"And thus, we come to the final award. Have you guessed the ending
yet? Of course not, I haven't told you the clues. That would just be
ridiculous."

"The other day, the anonymous narrator and I were sitting in the
drawing room, and I brought up the subject of RACC1, FAVORITE WRITER.
I challenged him to guess who had won out of these candidates:"

"Why," he asked, "was it Dave?" "No," I replied. "Could it be Tom?"
"Certainly not." "Perhaps Arthur?" "So close." "Then it must be Rob!"
"And yet it isn't."

"We went around this way for about ten minutes, and he stopped, hand to
head, and asked me to quit screwing around and just tell him. 'Your
mind was set on a single forest path; you could not see what was beyond
the next tree,' I said. 'No, seriously, who was it?' he said."

"Quite simply, t'was a tie. Both Rob Rogers and Tom Russell win!"

The stage draws back, to reveal a huge flight of stairs, and at the
top, Rob and Tom stand. Tom is in a suit with gloves and top hat, while
Rob wears a fetching dress with a big straw hat.

[To the tune of "I Remember It Well", from Gigi]

Tom: In two thousand nine...

Rob: Two thousand eight!

Tom: We posted green...

Rob: I posted beige.

Tom: Ah, yes... I RACCmember it well.

Rob: Alternate world...

Tom: A future time...

Rob: A giant robot...

Tom: Covered in slime.

Rob: Ah, yes! I RACCmember it well.

Tom: That infinite April crisis!

Rob: It's over now,
and the world's in phthisis!

Tom (spoken): What?

Rob (spoken): A disease characterized by wasting away or atrophy.

Tom (spoken): Oh, okay.
(singing): It warms my heart to know that you
Retconned it off, the way you do

Rob: Yes, yes. I RACCmember it well...

Tom: How I've often thought of that Earth-2 Rob: Earth-3!
saga,
Where we discovered they were all clones.
It seems the story bankrupted them
They only survived with high-APR loans!

Rob: That kinky night.

Tom: No, it was doomed.

Rob: That zombie fight!

Tom: A mummy's tomb.

Rob: Oh, yes! I RACCmember it well!

Tom: Read through email!

Rob: Or on the web!

Tom: Telnet or gopher!

Rob: That's at... an ebb.

Tom: Oh, right. I RACCmember it well.

Rob: World-crushing cellular slime mold!

Tom: It was a great gray kangaroo.

Rob: Am I getting old?

Tom: Oh no! Not you!
How funny you are,
Not one cliche,
An online poet in every way.

Rob: Ah, yes! I RACCmember it well.

Both take a bow, and 1930s can-can girls come out and dance. Fearless
Leader walks up.

"That's our show, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you all for coming,
drive safely, and Kirby bless."

.....oooooOOOOO(☆)OOOOOooooo.....

15th Annual RACCie Winners:

RACC1, Favorite Writer: Rob Rogers and Tom Russell (tie)

RACC2, Favorite Ongoing Series: Jolt City

RACC3, Favorite Mini-Series: Beige Midnight

RACC4, Favorite Arc: "Imperium Hex," Beige Midnight #1-3

RACC5, Favorite Single Issue: Beige Countdown #10

RACC6, Favorite Hero/Protagonist: Ripping Dancer

RACC7, Favorite Villain/Antagonist: Hex Luthor

RACC8, Favorite Supporting Character: Wikiboy

RACC9, Favorite New Character: Twitter

RACC10, Favorite Parody/Comedy: Legion of Net.Heroes Vol. 2

RACC11, Favorite Acraphobe/Adult Offering: New Exarchs

RACC12, Favorite Review Title: End of Month Reviews

RACC13, Favorite Story Universe: Legion of Net.Heroes

RACC14, Favorite Person Who Hangs Out On RACC: Tom Russell

RACC15, Best Discussion: "Writer's Block and Crazy-Ass Ideas"

RACC16, Favorite Running Gag: People protesting in-story about the lateness of Beige Midnight

By the way, I apologize for not getting in any Transparent Comics or
PSP, and having the Pinnacle City be limited to a Thunderclap cameo. I
also apologize if I mischaracterized any of the characters I did use.

One thing I learned is that the person who does the RACCies should
really have been, y'know, reading the newsgroup during the period in
question. I'll definitely apply that next year! Woo!

Oh, and "phthsis" is pronounced "tie-sis". Score one for Magic: The
Gathering.