As we near the week of Mothers Day 2015, here's where I stand on mothering

Sunday, May 3, 2015
2:14 PM

We made an emergency stop at the 7-11 on the way home from baseball yesterday with a screaming toddler 11 year old in the backseat. Because I decided that he needed to eat to be normal again. So kid 2 and I left the monster in the backseat and ran in to buy a sandwich. And when we got back to the car I told kid 2 to make no eye contact, speak no words, and just hand the food to the backseat like he might feed a bear at the zoo. Throw it a fish and back away slowly.

Yesterday turned into a day full of screaming and countless choruses of I hate you from kid 3. Directed at me. Until he exhausted himself and slept off the tantrum for a good couple of hours. And it was all about friends and how unfair a mom I am, and whatever else mixed in as well. But the fact is that it was ugly no matter the start and finish.And when he woke up and I asked him if he had something he needed to say to me. Of course it was the required I'm sorry of a kid who knows mom won't be quiet till he says it. Not at all sincere, as is with most of us when we're put in the position of forced regret. Or being caught at being less than the person we want people to think we are. But I tried to take that opportunity to tell him that his words were hurtful to me. And who knows if he cares. Because being 11 is hard. Obviously. And as we near the week of Mothers Day 2015, here's where I stand on mothering....Kid 1 came home from school Friday afternoon and told me about a drug incident involving 8th graders at his school. And I was glad he told me about it on his own. And I thanked him for not letting me get a phone call from the school on this one. And though I talked about it throughout the day with several moms, I never claimed that any of my darlings, though not involved this time, .... are incapable of being involved in this or anything....even organized crime. Because they are. It just didn't happen at school on Friday. And kid 2 has been near a nervous breakdown in the past days that showed me all too well how alike he is to his mama. Me. Some people yell, some eat, some do whatever they do... but he and I ? We purge. Out with the old is our motto. Pick it up before I blow it up in flames, if I may once again quote Miranda Lambert. I think she's talking about her lying loser of a man and all his crap, but it still applies here, I think.

So we clean closets and throw away anything in our sight that causes us distress, or just if it happens to be laying on the floor.... no matter its value. Because when our world is rocking, kid 2 and I crave calm and order and space. So he stood there in front of his closet way past bedtime one night staring up at the shelf of outgrown baseball pants, in a trance of despair over how messy life gets sometimes. And it makes me sad that a 13 year old even needs to consider it. And of course kid 3 and his post baseball game meltdown. And it was a mix of exhaustion and hunger and anger all rolled up into a Dr Jekyll/Mr. Hyde combo... and my mistake was trying to reason with it and feed it a sandwich. But after the dust settled and he came into the room with me, I told him that I love him and there's nothing in this world that will ever change that. And... here's the big one for me always.... there's nothing in this world big or bad enough for me to ever use the kinds of words he used with me. Because of the hateful words that still live in my heart from times gone by? .... I keep my mother tongue under tight security to make sure I never scar one of my kids like that.

And back to the love subject... I love my kids. But there are a couple that I don't like very much right now. Luckily, like and dislike float on the wind. But love lasts. And that is mothering to me.