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I like food and pirate dentists

Friday. 3.23.12 10:21 pm

Carla Cream is the best thing since Bavarian espresso ice cream. It's like nutella but from the Czech Republic and a million times better (as crazy as that sounds haha). I'm using my jaw hurting as an excuse to eat it practically by the spoonful. It's so rich and creamy though I'm not like noshing it down but more so putting a spoon full in my mouth and savoring it until it all melts and makes me swallow it. Ha, that sounds gross but it is seriously amazing. The only place in the US that carries it that I know of is Big Lots as odd as that is. Anyhow, I'm half out of it and just had to share that.

My face should feel much better tomorrow, it ended up taking almost 2 1/2 hours and I slept through about 90% of it. I wasn't even put under, I've just not been able to sleep the past 2 days because of pain and pain medicine and I was on my anxiety medicine that I rarely ever take and I was on the nitrous oxide. My dentist is the nicest dentist ever, there is something incredibly friendly and not scary about him. It could be because he entire office is done in a beautiful nautical theme and there's a picture of him dressed up as a pirate in his waiting area. He is seriously the best dentist ever. I feel blessed to have stumbled across him and he is now mine, marc's, and eventually Miles' dentist too. I wonder how bad the situation in my mouth would have gotten if we hadn't came across him. It scares me to think about honestly. Anyhow, the infection had spread into my jaw and I've got a weird hollow spot in it where it was depleting the calcium or something like that. He said it should start replenishing and healing but it will take about a year to really tell how well. At least I shouldn't be in pain anymore, after a day or two.

I'm so sleepy. I'm typing just to watch my fingers be little nimble magicians..and I like the click click of the keys. And I like the companionship I somehow get typing to myself on the net lol.

Due to yet ANOTHER dental issue I am currently on Vicodin. And I'm trying to write 2 African lit essays by midnight tomorrow. This should be interesting. I'm going to try and write them now and proof read tomorrow when I'm in pain but level headed. It's hard as hell to write in pain I've discovered. I'm discovering typing is kind of tricky on vicodin too though. Blegh. Hopefully I can get this dealt with soon.

Oh yeah and things are going good in reference to last post, maybe I'll update on that once I get all this damned schoolwork done and get my mouth fixed. I'm so sick of mouth issues!! Everytime my grill, hahahaha grill, is messed up it makes my TMJ act up because you know have a f-d up infected tooth and gum isn't enough. And where did grill as a term for mouth come from?! It seems like it would be an insult.. oh man you got so much food in your teeth it looks like a grill! Maybe I just solved my own mystery. Fuck, why can't my essay be so much fun to think about.

It's funny how we tend to have more resilience than think we do, or even want to. Some things in life just hit you so hard you think it will forever have a grip on you and fighting it seems futile. Yet somehow that grip loosens. Sometimes we don't care to move past something, sometimes we don't want to, and we grip the thing holding us and much as it grips us. It seems to be though that even if you don't actively fight to free yourself over time the grip just loses strength and you eventually slip out of it, sometimes not even realizing it's happening. This has happened to me a lot in my life. Sometimes I just want to give up.. and I do. I quit putting effort in to better myself or to better know myself and I simply live at the simplest level I can. I take care of what I must and nothing more. I always grow bored with that though and began to crave a challenge or a struggle.

Recently I read "Things Fall Apart" by Chinua Achebe. It was a really good book and I'm glad school led me to read it. I think sometimes I hold myself back in life from fear that I achieve something I can really pride myself in just to have it taken away from me. I've recently come to realize how silly that really is. Better to take 2 bites of a perfect pie and then have someone take it than to never try it at all. I've also been in a big rut of "why couldn't I have known then what I know now". I wish I would have taken school more seriously. I could be DONE with school now instead of just starting it. I could have done this without worry of taking care of my husband and wife. I could have enjoyed my youth more instead of rushing into this aspect of adulthood. But I didn't and it's too late to think about all the things I could have done. I worry a lot because I'm not a conventional mom and my son will be different because of that. I hope every day that that is a positive thing. Most kids these days are spoiled, entitled, and generally unpleasant to be around so I think it's a really good thing for him to be different. I can't believe he's about to be 3. I can't believe my 4 year wedding anniversary is coming up. I am at disbelief at a lot of things in life right now.

My grandpa has been sick a lot lately. He'll be 88 next month. I am absolutely terrified at the prospect of him dying. I want him to see me graduate college and have a career. I want Miles to remember how much they love each other. I think about how I'm just not ready right now and I know that I will never be ready. I had a hard time losing my grandmother and I still struggle with it more than anyone really knows. But I knew it was coming for her. I knew it was a release for her and I knew she was ready. I don't think my Grandpa will ever be ready. He loves life and is an active and incredibly intelligent man and is always looking forward to what the next day will bring. I just don't know how much more hardships I can handle right now. I mean overall I am doing a lot better. But I feel like no matter how stable and happy and strong I may be it will take it all back when something happens to him.

I can't believe I haven't had one deep fried anything for 2 entire weeks now. I didn't think I had it in me.I really think I'll make it to Good Friday, maybe even beyond. I've started training for the race season as well. I've been working out. I've been working hard to improve my life. I've written so many papers/essays in the past 2 week I've lost count. Spring break is ahead and all I have to do is my algebra homework and then nothing is due until around the 22nd. This is going to be so nice!! I deserve this. It's funny how when we start to allow ourselves happiness we become happy.

1. I'm too private. I know it sounds paranoid but a lot of lame people have nothing better to do than cyber stalk people and I can't be 100% "real" with the worry of someone I'm not close with it having access to it. I'm barely able to keep it real with people I'm close with when I know it's just the two of us, much less in a blog atmosphere.

2. I hate sounding like my life sucks and like I'm just a sad sally. My life is pretty awesome and I'm generally pretty happy. I'm just more apt to want/need to work through somethings out loud if they weigh heavy on me than if it was a moment of smiles. I appreciate the happy moments but I don't have as much to say about them I suppose.

3. I'm busy and 99% of the time I'm blogging I could, and likely should, be doing something more productive. Even now I am sitting in the middle of a trashed living room, with an empty cup of coffee, sitting next to the curtains the electrician accidentally knocked down and thinking about all the things I need to have done by 5:30..it's 3:11. - Side note, I always giggle when it's 311. Oh the 90s.

4. Fear of judgement. That one's pretty self-explanatory.

5. It's easier to keep some things locked in my mind where I know the only person who knows they exist is me. Healthy? Probably not. How I work? 110%.