Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The Electrician and The Athletes Foot Guy

Ok, now for some lite, funny stories!Let’s take a walk down memory lane and into my fabulously “unique” past dates!

The Electrician:We met at a bar (that should be your first clue)!But he was a mutual acquaintance of one of my cousins, so I thought he couldn’t be that bad.The night that we met we really hit it off, but we’d also had plenty to drink as well, so that obviously clouded any judgment I may have had at the time.He asked me out on a date to attend a work party up in Arrowhead.I thought that was a little strange for a first date, but what the heck, I’m open.So we drive up to Arrowhead and I have an “ok” time.It was a little awkward not knowing anyone, especially with barely knowing him!But I’m good at making small talk and engaging in conversation, so I made do.But I could feel that there was no chemistry and I was really ready to go home.So we walk to his car and he very nicely opens my door and lets me in.His car was a very large truck and he walked toward the back and around to his side.But for some reason he wasn’t getting in.He was standing near the car, but in the back away from his door.I kept thinking to myself, “what the hell is this guy doing?”Well, the next thing I know I hear this huge, earth shattering FART!I’m not kidding you, he FARTED!!!!And he didn’t think that I would hear him??? Oh my gosh, I was dying!My first reaction was to burst out laughing, but then my second reaction was “are you f**king kidding me??”What a moron!And he got back into the car like everything was fine, nothing out of the ordinary.Unfortunately, he got back into the car way too soon.He brought his “lovely” scent with him.I seriously did not know what to do or say.I wanted SOOOOOO bad to call him on it, but I just couldn’t bring myself to.But I could not stop thinking about it the entire drive home.Even while making small talk, I just kept replaying it in my head and it was all I could do to not burst out laughing hysterically!Needless to say, I did not go out with him again!

Unfortunately, that was not my first date with a farter!ROTFLMAO!!!!

The Athletes Foot Guy:Ok, so this was a fix-up.A friend of my family had a brother that she wanted to set me up with.He sounded like a nice guy, was cute in his pictures.He had even gone to the high school I went to but graduated way before me, so I did not know him.So we’d been on maybe 3-4 dates and things seemed to be going well.I thought I liked him, but it was still too early for me to tell if I REALLY liked him.He lived in the LA area and would come out to Riverside for our dates.His parents lived in Riverside so he would just stay at their house.But on this occasion, I invited him to stay the night.And NO, it wasn’t what you’re thinking.I had a 2nd bedroom at the time and he was invited to sleep in there!So he takes me to a ribs place for dinner.I don’t remember what I ordered.I didn’t order ribs though.However, he did, unfortunately!I have never, ever seen someone with worse table manners in my life!It was absolutely disgusting.He would start at one end of the rib, like he was eating corn-on-the-cob, and make his way down to the other end, all the while never shutting his mouth and getting bbq sauce all over his mouth and practically his entire face.He would then proceed to use his tongue to lick around his entire mouth, wipe it on his arm, lick each and every finger with those horrible slurping sounds, and then start all over again on the next rib.It was AWFUL!I knew right then and there I would not be going out with him again.All I could think about was, “shit, and now he’s going home with me???”As if that wasn’t enough, you’ll die when you hear what happened next.You may not even believe it because it was so obnoxious and just…..odd!Like the date above, he walks me to the car and opens my side to let me in.I sit down and he just stands there, turns around with his butt facing me, AND F**CKING FARTS!!!!!LOL…..I’m not kidding you, he farted.And it was completely premeditated!He said, “aw, that feels better!”I thought I was in the Twilight Zone, literally.I just awkwardly giggled and continued to stress over the fact that I had to spend the rest of the evening with this Neanderthal!But I also thought to myself that this guy is either trying to inadvertently tell me that he’s not interested, or he’s just completely clueless.Who knows!So we get to my house and decide to watch a movie.We’re sitting on the couch and he asks if he can take his shoes off because he has athletes foot and he needs to scratch his feet.REALLY?YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!! Anyone that knows me well knows how much I HATE feet.I cannot stand them!They’re just gross!I don’t even like my own feet!So when he said this I just about died.He has one arm around my shoulder and the other obsessively scratching his feet.I said to myself, “that’s it, I’m going to bed!I can’t take any more of this.”I wanted to just escape to my bedroom!Fortunately, I had to be at work the next morning and would not have to see or talk to him.I left a towel out for him so that he could take a shower, and had him just lock himself out.But all I could think about was the fact that he had contaminated the sheets, towel, rug and the bottom of shower with his disgusting feet!So during my lunch I threw everything into the hot washer and scoured that shower with Ajax until my fingers cracked!I even mopped the entire bathroom floor!It was DISGUSTING!!!He had the nerve to leave me a “sweet” note that said he would call me tonight.Great!Can’t wait for that! He did call a few times, but I never called him back.

So there ya go!Two very funny dating stories that I will never forget.At the time, I was very frustrated and disappointed.But now, they’re just hysterically funny memories and I laugh when I think about them!How could you not!?!?