Musings & Rants by Tim Byrd

HILARIOUS. And true.

Thousands of formerly ardent Christians filed for divorce this morning, as others raped their children and household pets, after the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court ruled that gay people are citizens too.

“My marriage is over,” spoke one upset Christian as he dry-humped the fender of a parked car. “My marriage isn’t worth anything,” he insisted. “I feel no connection to my wife and children and I just want to do whatever I please, when it pleases me to do it.” With that he turned to a passing elderly woman and shouted for her to reveal her “tits.”

This same scene is being repeated over and over again, on every street in every city and town in America. Once devoted parents and spouses, America’s Christians are denouncing any bonds between themselves and their families as they embark on a binge of sex, drugs and socialism.

“We warned you that this would happen,” insisted one anti-human rights activist. “We told you that gay citizens enjoying equal rights would destroy marriage, the family and even Christianity itself. And now it’s happened,” he said. “You should have listened to us. If you had, I wouldn’t of had to have sex with three different strange men in a public restroom this morning.”

The fallout from today’s decision is enormous and far reaching. So big is the change that swept America this morning that it may be days before a true accounting of the damage is complete. As things stand, one unconfirmed report has Bob Jones Jr., of Bob Jones University, defecating on his bible upon hearing the news, while other witnesses have come forward to report that they had seen Pat Robertson, former leader of the Christian Coalition and the host of the 700 club, enjoying sex with a chair.

Congress was quick to pass an appropriations bill funding the thousands of new orphanages needed to care for the abandoned children. It is hoped that this is only a temporary measure and that Christians will yet accept the financial responsibility for their families, even if they no longer love them and insist on masturbating in public.

TIM BYRD

The author of the Doc Wilde adventure series, Tim is often barefoot, prone to irony, and interested in everything. He has been a soldier, game designer, independent filmmaker, and outdoor guide. He knows how to tie a tie, but doesn't care to.