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Welcome back to another B&B weekly snark, lovers, and what a fascinating week it’s been!

Last week ended with Brooke realising there were no penises in her immediate future and turning to the closest cylindrical object – a bottle! This week saw the continuation of Brooke’s new love which, in a show of commitment, she brought as her plus 1 to Katie and Bill’s wedding.

Also at the wedding were a rather unattractive hairstyle that managed to attach itself to Katie, and another brand spanking new couple: Ridge and Caroline. While watching one ex-fiancée get married and one ex-wife get shit-faced, Ridge provided us with plenty of concerned-face and only a little bit of suck-face, which is probably a good thing considering Carter was officiating the ceremony and the last time that poor bastard got to suck anyone’s face it was Maya’s.

Elsewhere in BB land and the tiny gun-happy goblin was worrying about Eric’s return and whether he had enough ammunition to Put Him Down. Upon Daddy Forrester’s arrival, however, Rick’s fears were proved pointless, because not only had the jiggly old codger seen some sort of report, he’d also come back with even less brain cells than he went away with.

‘I want you and Maya to stay in the main house and cover the walls with your faeces!’ he announced to the surprised Rickster. ‘I’m going to move in to the guesthouse so I can fall asleep in my soup and wank along to Antiques Roadshow in private!’

Ridge, of course, was pissed to the max at the news that Eric had come back from his adventures with yet another mentally-compromising blow to the head.

‘Do you know Rickles and Maya are rooting in your bed?!’ he demanded.

‘Oh yes’ replied Eric, before adding that Ridge and his Caroline-loving tiny todger have only themselves to blame, and at least the Rickster is doing things the moral way by choosing someone who no other Forrester would touch with a barge pole.

The final bit of fun for the week was Steffy’s decision to join forces with Liam in the coital sense – not just the business one. Unfortunately for Steffy, Liam is in the vice grip of horribly unsexy Ivy – which means he’s contracted to awkward dinners at Café Rouse and conversations about his feelings for at least the next six months.

Still, give it to the Steffster to pull out the big guns – and by big guns we mean her six pack in that bikini.

Rico reckons her body is better than even early-years Brooke, and even though Ivy did a decent job with the spray tan prior to her devirginising love scene, she’s got a long way to go before she can lay claim to that sort of frothage.

The week, of course, ended with Ivy witnessing Liam as the plate beneath a Steffy lasagne and previews for the show not only tell us that Ivy will bring the rage of a less attractive woman to the fore, but that Brooke will get shit drunk in the company of Deacon – because that’s destined to end well.