This isn’t going to be a nice post; it’s not going to be a rational post or even a post that will make me fondly remember THIS chapter of my life.

Jumping back a few months, it had been a year or so that Henry and I had been evolving within our marriage and shifting towards a Henry led dynamic. We were progressing at break neck speeds at first; and then a little slower as the newness began to wear off. And since I have a hard time embracing the popular phrase “it’s a journey, not a race” I was just about at the point of starting to become frustrated with Henry’s slow (as in, slower than what I desired) progress in regaining the Alpha traits that I so desired. It was round about this time that I read Ian Ironwoods post explaining what wives could do to ‘up the alpha’ within their marriage while also letting the husband grow in his leadership. So I Read it … Got it … Acted on it … And once again we were soaring through the great unknown; Henry comfortably leading the charge and Liz cheerfully following his lead.

But then IT happened. IT knocked the air right out of my lungs (lungs that have increased capacity thanks to the years I’ve spent running on the wheel) and set ME back a few giant steps.

My new reality began last Friday night, which was in large part because our 17 year old daughter went completely Bat Shit Crazy in a way that only a 17 year old girl is capable of. To say it was an incredibly stressful night is an understatement. We experienced much yelling, crying and storming out, only to have her return and repeat until she finally left, and stayed gone until Saturday night. But Saturday night was productive and after a marathon round of conversations we hugged and pressed forward (was there any other choice?).

By Sunday morning I felt as though I’d been run over by a train, so I did what any good Mom would do … I got everyone in the house up and rallied to attend the early church service. And then it began to unravel on me … a little comment here, an eye roll there … until about half way through the day when I went all in and tried to pick a fight with Henry. Why? I don’t know why – just because!! Maybe it was a diversion from the past 48 hours or maybe because I could yell at him in a way I couldn’t yell at our daughter the day before. So, I am ‘all in’ and he is … yep, just not biting! I couldn’t believe it.

Now mind you, there was a distant possibility that I could have called out my inner BSCC (Bat Shit Crazy Chick) and really taken this thing to a new low. But before that could happen, you won’t believe what he actually had the nerve to ask me. He actually said “You done” – from a post I had passed onto him a while back. He used it on me!! And he followed it up with a smug half grin/chuckle. And then he WALKED away and started horsing around with our son. Are you kidding me? What is going on here?

Was I pissed? Oh ya. But truthfully I didn’t have a clue what my next move would be … because do you have any idea how hard it is to work yourself into BSCC mode only to have your intended audience not only refuse to succumb to your shit test, but also to reflect back to you just how ridiculous you are behaving?

What happened? How did the rest of the evening unfold and where are things today? Some probably already know, others will have an Aha Moment and some who haven’t yet taken their own dose of the Red Pill will be confused. So what happened? Well later Sunday night we had mind-bending, yes … mind-bending sex. And although I will deny it until the day I die … I think I had to initiate –!

Houston – we have a problem … Liz is losing it and Henry is getting it and everyone is “O”ver taken with pleasure.

Being the quick learner that I am tells me I won’t be letting myself digress into BSCC mode anytime soon because even though the sex was great, I will tell you honestly that I did not enjoy the rest of the experience at all; in fact, I was equally horrified by my willingness to jump right back into full fledged Old School Liz and the ease by which I can still summon BSCC at a moments notice. I can think of many excuses (rationalizations?) that ultimately led to my unraveling – too much time apart, Grandma, teens home from college, and then the incident Friday night – but truthfully, I really just made the choice to embrace a habit that I had employed for 20+ years and did so probably without even a conscience thought. I had stress so I tried to create some stress to relieve my own stress. That about sums it up.

I keep hearing that phrase … it’s a journey, not a race. Well thank goodness because I almost lost the entire contest.

Like this:

Shit test: A test that a girl performs on a male by saying or doing something to judge the reaction from him OR when a woman gives a guy a hard time, usually for the purpose of seeing how he will react.

Batshit crazy: Extreme to a degree bordering on complete insanity. The state in which one makes decisions which make the exact opposite of logic OR speech or behavior that is over the top, unhinged, self-destructive, or a threat to others.

I was in the midst of a particularly difficult series of interchanges with my 90 year old, never happy, always complainingGrandma and I called Henry to vent and to receive comfort. It was around 4:30 and since I have an expectation (it’s important to recognize it is MY expectation) for him to leave the office around 5 on Friday we chatted and I vented and then we hung up and I assumed that he would be heading home shortly.

It wasn’t until close to 8:00 that he finally arrived home… Are you effing kidding me? Here is the way things began to connect in my head:

I was completely distraught at 4:30 and I needed you + You know how important it is to me that you leave at a reasonable time on Friday’s = You must not care about me/us/our family AT ALL since you so easily made the decision to work late TONIGHT of all nights.

So the shit test began and then it spiraled out of control before my own eyes until I was legitimately Bat Shit Crazy. I screamed and yelled and tried my hardest to pull apart what we’ve spent the better part of a year and a half building!

The funny thing about married life Shit Tests is how they can start off with a legitimate argument or complaint, but judging from how he reacts (this is very fluid, by the way) all the anger and hurt feelings inside seems to overflow and try to destroy everything within reach. After a point, the Bat Shit Crazy takes over and finds a way to make him payfor me feeling not in control of a situation – Grandma and his work/life balance to start. As hard as it is to write that sentence, that is exactly where things went.

Henry handled things well for the initial avalanche that I launched at him, but then he’d had enough…but the hamster kept spinning and used up the better part of the weekend. It was only when he began to take away a part of himself; when he started to withdraw and actually extract himself from within my reach that I was knocked into my senses and was able to realize the damage I was doing. I was using my own stress to shake the foundation we’ve been building over the last 18 months. I recognized that I had two choices and neither one was going to be comfortable. I could continue down the road of destruction and put our marriage, our family and kids at risk OR I could just stop.

I chose to stop. Being the coward that I am, I sent him a text that read “I was wrong. This is my fault. I am sorry”. That was enough to at least get us civil again. When a few hours later he told me to “go and prepare” I knew what he meant.

I went to our room; I changed into something appropriate and I used the remaining time to reflect on the past 48 hours.

UGLY: morally offensive or objectionable

or unpleasant in any way or sense

That is the only word that comes to my mind. When he finally came into our room I was curled in a ball, crying. I don’t know how long we lay in our bed or how long I wept. When it was over, we were healed. There was no need for discipline. The objective had been achieved and I was able to mourn the UGLY that I had produced.

Monday morning came with battle weary scars. Yes, we are moving forward but I now know and understand that there is a limit to how much SHIT you can create during a SHIT test and how BAT SHIT CRAZY you can go … because once you’ve reached TOO MUCH SHIT – you end up in a really bad place. I felt it important to write this post if for no other reason than to remind myself how much can change in the blink of an eye.