How To Score A Green Chick

Ocean levels are rising, the rain forests are being slashed and burned, Al Gore is winning Nobel Prizes — things really are screwed up. In these dire times, our most primal instincts kick in and we are driven to go procreate.

This crisis has created a whole new type of woman: A dedicated, smart, ambitious creature known as the eco-activist. Just because theses neo-hippies are out to save the world doesn’t mean they don’t like to fool around once in a while. These liberal, progressive girls are quite a catch, releasing all their pent-up frustrations in a flurry of lithe arms and earthy gasps.

But how is an SUV-driving, to-go cup-using, walking environmental catastrophe like yourself supposed to hook up with them? Chances are the two of you aren’t destined for a long, meaningful relationship (either she’ll see through the charade or you’ll grow tired of her soapbox lectures). So I’ve listed some ways to break the ice and set up a little eco-tryst with these guardians of Gia.

Know green environments

Your first step is to uncover where these green girls hang out. If you are at university, you probably can’t turn around without bumping into posters for clubs rallying against some kind of environmental evil. These organizations are veritable fish-filled barrels, teeming with liberal-minded girls out to save the world and have fun doing it.

Not every guy is lucky enough to have these ready-made caches of ecologically-advanced females. In this case, focus your attention on organic grocery stores, yoga studios, left-leaning coffee shops and progressive bookstores. Of course, these kinds of places also attract a disproportionately high number of lesbians, so you’ll have to have your gaydar set to high when trolling these waters.

You’ll also need to have a few places in mind to take the girl once you’ve connected. These same coffee shops work well, as do vegetarian restaurants. You could even do something as simple as a walk through the woods to experience Mother Nature in all her glory, or for extra bonus points, research a rally or protest she might not know about and combine it with your first date. Nothing says romance like scrubbing oil off of seagulls.

Be knowledgeable about green matters

You pretty much have to go out of your way to not accumulate at least a passing knowledge of environmental issues these days. Every TV show, blog, website or magazine around is harping about the imminent destruction of our planet. But if you want to infiltrate the ranks of the active environmental warriors and put the heat back in global warming, you’ll have to do better than watching An Inconvenient Truth again.

Build on your base knowledge, adding relevant facts and figures (which can be found online in about eight seconds). There is a lot to cover beyond “climate change,” so be sure to gather at least a passing knowledge in more obscure enviro-concerns like overpopulation, overfishing, deforestation and nuclear waste.

A nice touch to add here is to pick an exceptionally obscure threat — say coastal wetland destruction or landfill leaching — and become a bit of an expert in it. The quickest way into a green girl’s pants is through her ear, and filling hers with facts and figures about a whole new impending disaster she didn’t know about will have her enraptured.