John Terry: Here's A Literature Lesson In Swearing

John Terry may have been found not guilty of racially abusing Anton Ferdinand, but one thing that's been made abundantly clear throughout the course of the trial is the pitiful state of banter that pervades the top tier of our national sport.

and "your breath smells" (denoted by waving a hand in front of one's nose).

In other words, what you'd expect to hear from a set of 10-year-old boys from rival schools throwing Ribena cartons at each other over a bus stop.

Is this really the best our footballing heroes can do? What kind of example does it set to aspiring young swearers the world over?

There's a lot Terry and the rest of the Premier League's millionaires could learn from by getting their heads into some classical literature, not least of all how to wind each up with a little erudite flair.

To save them the bother, we've dug deep and compiled 13 suggestions ahead of the new season.