the big part

JCP001: yoJCP001: i enjoy these quiet moments we shareOneLastCigarette: broOneLastCigarette: i talkOneLastCigarette: and you respondOneLastCigarette: and then i talkOneLastCigarette: and you disappearJCP001: brb.JCP001: we need to do the record so we can confuse a whole new set of readers with our ridiculously simple formatOneLastCigarette: im lord of the wu sword, you know what that means like jrr tolkien is the lord of the ringsOneLastCigarette: bobby digiJCP001: bobby boulders. and he totally says J.R. TolkienOneLastCigarette: are we on right now?JCP001: we’re liveOneLastCigarette: ok so we’ve been at it like an hour and we have nothing we can useOneLastCigarette: just a bunch of talk about illicit drugs and statutory mattersOneLastCigarette: that seems like a good introJCP001: know why we got nothing? we reviewed it on the phone the other night. i’m not talking to you anymore. it’s bad for businessJCP001: The Heart Gently Weeps is definitely worth all the hype around itOneLastCigarette: WU-TANG CLAN 8 DIAGRAMSOneLastCigarette: anything where they’re shouting pathmark and macys out is specialJCP001: shots was whizzin’ hittin’clorex bottlesOneLastCigarette: next day we read in the paper, man who came to kill gets knocked outOneLastCigarette: its geniusOneLastCigarette: black super hero musicJCP001: the wu are like their own entity, they never team up with other ny rappersOneLastCigarette: well theres the album meth did with redman, but not as a group, no.JCP001: i liked them more when they all had fanged grillsJCP001: for sucking the blood from the record industryOneLastCigarette: theres been a signifigant loss of fire, but theyre still better than 98% of rappersJCP001: i heard some song that sampled CREAM today. paul was watching sucka free sundayJCP001: i think they becamse caricatures of themselves and people don’t take them for seriousJCP001: gza, mef, ghost, rza ans deck are the best of the bunchOneLastCigarette: big black baby jesus R.I.P.JCP001: that goes without sayingOneLastCigarette: i like george clinton singing the hook on wolvesJCP001: the album kinda loses momentum after thatOneLastCigarette: pop momentum sure, theres still dope verses after thoughJCP001: wu albums are unique. rza sample experimentsOneLastCigarette: i remember like 10 years ago he said they had records that people arent even ready forOneLastCigarette: i wonder if any of those are themOneLastCigarette: or they were just bluffingJCP001: 36 chambers came out almost 15 years ago.JCP001: and every solo project is like a mini wu recordJCP001: we gotta do this tomorrow when i’m not exhausted and you’re around. doucheJCP001: i’m droppin’ it but you’re not picking it upOneLastCigarette: im hereOneLastCigarette: why does it have to be in real time?OneLastCigarette: we’re not saying anything funnyJCP001: we may have to do the remix tomorrow. this blowsOneLastCigarette: i told you this was gonna happenJCP001: i was ready the other day but you weren’tOneLastCigarette: i mean i told you i wasnt gonna have much to sayJCP001: it’s like when you’re trying to get laid and your mom has a headacheOneLastCigarette: you were just waiting to shove that in somewhere huhJCP001: i should have done this with sethOneLastCigarette: no that doesnt work eitherOneLastCigarette: our first piece of publicity and you bring your mistressOneLastCigarette: what does the dialog at the end of life changes mean?JCP001: it’s mandarin and i don’t speak itOneLastCigarette: how did you know it was mandarin specifically?JCP001: are you being a dick?OneLastCigarette: what?JCP001: i’ve seen enough kung-fu movies to knowOneLastCigarette: i dont believe youOneLastCigarette: im gonna test youJCP001: please doOneLastCigarette: thing about the wu is they had a sick gimmick, but they didnt necessarily need it to surviveOneLastCigarette: relaxin, sittin backsin’JCP001: i could do without a lot of the movie samples nowOneLastCigarette: the one about beating the wolf is greatJCP001: i decided the paper’s (Staten Island Advance) only getting part of this and no ratingOneLastCigarette: youre like the drunken master of PROneLastCigarette: only highJCP001: i told you my landlord came by to pick up rent and kept calling me johnny right? i’m convinced he was stonedOneLastCigarette: yes. im enjoying it just as much the second timeJCP001: i got a flying guillotine with a xxl basket to fit your fat head. protect your neckOneLastCigarette: i saw a thing todayOneLastCigarette: was a quote of a person saying what the fuck does wtf meanJCP001: didn’t know internet shorthand?OneLastCigarette: i guessOneLastCigarette: are you familiar with ddr?OneLastCigarette:http://qdb.us/81171JCP001: ?OneLastCigarette: dance dance revolutionJCP001: lolOneLastCigarette: that site is greatOneLastCigarette: check the top 50OneLastCigarette:#15910 (87/189) My band is called Imation CDR 74m 650 MB….have you seen our CD’s?JCP001: lolJCP001: i’m cryingOneLastCigarette: i was on here for hoursOneLastCigarette:#16292 (54/168) ooop that almost wasn’t a fart. Brb.JCP001: made me drop my smokeOneLastCigarette:http://qdb.us/11690JCP001: lolJCP001: dirty food???JCP001: okay. rate. me. bedOneLastCigarette: i dont knowOneLastCigarette: 4JCP001: real close to 5. wwtds?OneLastCigarette: he’s waiting to see what pitchfork saysJCP001: a 4 for the boys who put our borough on the mapJCP001: i love me some kevin devine but he’s not gonna do itOneLastCigarette: you must mean personally, cause i dont remember you using the word love to describe your feelings for his recordsOneLastCigarette: oh and you live in brooklyn, like ben johnsonOneLastCigarette: you mean my boroughOneLastCigarette: me and d nizzleJCP001: i tell people i’m from there. i don’t frontJCP001: you’re only back there because isreal kicked you outOneLastCigarette: have you seen this? http://qdb.us/11690JCP001: yes, you high dickJCP001: but it’s still funnyOneLastCigarette: very
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OneLastCigarette: if we’re ding jay z we really shouldnt wait any longerJCP001: we’ll ding the shit out of itOneLastCigarette: whatJCP001: exactly what I saidOneLastCigarette: ding the shit out of whatOneLastCigarette: im too high for this your tomfooleryOneLastCigarette: dont go trailing off pleaseOneLastCigarette: you interrupt the flowJCP001: JAY-Z AMERICAN GANGSTERJCP001: you and your flowOneLastCigarette: dont use my own vagina jokes against meJCP001: like a Tampon Don i interupt the flowOneLastCigarette: i have a lot to say about this album, i just hope i remember it allJCP001: i have very little to say except jay-z had to make a better comeback album since his first comeback was a wet fartOneLastCigarette: i wanna start off with something from the article i read about kanyes song big brother which is about jay-z, as you know.OneLastCigarette: apparently when kanye says he was told he could “buy two tickets” it was because he wanted six and jay would only give him 4. it was a charity eventJCP001: okayOneLastCigarette: yes, the last jay-z album was decidedly swampy…OneLastCigarette: soft and wetOneLastCigarette: kind of corny, like a frontwards yankee hatJCP001: it was really awful. all those just blaze songs really suck. like abysmallyJCP001: he realized what he did wrong with kingdom come and did the opposite with thisOneLastCigarette: he shoulda used johnny blaze instead (aka Ticallion Stallion, Shakwon, Methical, the MZA; b. Clifford Smith)OneLastCigarette: aka method manOneLastCigarette: i think he got lucky. i dont think he has the power to say “that one was bad, so this one will be good”OneLastCigarette: it was just time for another good album to come out of himJCP001: he shat this baby out quickOneLastCigarette: like what if the movie american gangster was never madeJCP001: then i’m sure he would have been inspired while he watched scarface for the millionth timeOneLastCigarette: the only songs i flat out dont like listening to are “party life” and “say hello”OneLastCigarette: he said “scarface the movie did more than scarface the rapper for me”JCP001: the only song i dislike is “I know”OneLastCigarette: its one of my lesser liked tracks yeahJCP001: 14 outta 15 isn’t badOneLastCigarette: beyonce and kanye west have uncredited vocals on roc boys (and the winner is)OneLastCigarette: im bringing factoids backJCP001: look at you googlingJCP001: you got lazy with the factoids. i tried bringing it back a awhile ago but you weren’t having itOneLastCigarette: you insulted them one time and i stoppedJCP001: not iOneLastCigarette: you or some other jerkOneLastCigarette: what about the most intriguing factoid of allOneLastCigarette: p. diddy produced half of this albumJCP001: interesting. yeah the song titles of this record aren’t followed by (feat.) or (Produced by)JCP001: at least not manyOneLastCigarette: maybe “blue magic” says it because its one of the bonus tracks (along with the title track)JCP001: sneaking in a factoid?OneLastCigarette: youre not supposed be blowing me upOneLastCigarette: in broad daylightJCP001: next time don’t be so obvious.JCP001: jiggaman gets a 5 from me. i’m totally blowing my load and rolling over tonight.OneLastCigarette: why would you do that?JCP001: cuz i’m exhausted and sickOneLastCigarette: we havent talked about nas, beanie siegel or lil wayneOneLastCigarette: i think nas performed poorly, maybe even on purposeOneLastCigarette: like when shawn michaels lets hulk hogan beat him with a leg dropOneLastCigarette: i think the beanie verse is so soOneLastCigarette: and i like little wayne singing that hook. hes one of my favorite rappers.OneLastCigarette: mtv even named him hottest rapper in the gameJCP001: oh mtv knowsOneLastCigarette: i give this record a 4JCP001: why is that?OneLastCigarette: 5 is the highest score which means its for a perfect album, this album is not perfectJCP001: you’ve been hanging out with duffy too muchOneLastCigarette: you give out 5’s like theyre going out of styleJCP001: so overall it’ll get a 9.JCP001: not perfect
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JCP001: good job finding that cover artOneLastCigarette: it was pretty hard to findJCP001: right?JCP001: fucking nigh impossibleJCP001: where’d you find it?OneLastCigarette: i like the one with yorke as a leprechanOneLastCigarette:stereogumJCP001: did you look there or did you try to google itOneLastCigarette: its in my favorites, but it came up like 7th in googleOneLastCigarette:jay z mixtape sucksOneLastCigarette: but the 2 songs i heard off the actual album are goodJCP001: are we doing jew this week?JCP001: i has new thrice tooOneLastCigarette: lets do it right nowOneLastCigarette: JIMMY EAT WORLD CHASE THIS LIGHTOneLastCigarette: no rehearsal time necessaryJCP001: and me with no comics to read….JCP001: goddamn itOneLastCigarette: i have to put my clothes in the dryer downstairsJCP001: do itOneLastCigarette: 8 minutes left on the washerOneLastCigarette: listening to jimmy eat world is like having a ******** *******. youre *********** in ***** of **** *******, but you still listen to everything they sayOneLastCigarette: this is not the band i saw as a 16 year old boy in the blistering heat crying and drooling and wailing into the microphoneOneLastCigarette: did you leave ben holding onto his cock like this?OneLastCigarette: my balls are coldOneLastCigarette: no. i want that to read: “my balls are cold, daddy”JCP001: the daddy thing is creepyJCP001: i do not approveOneLastCigarette: you got nine minutes til i have to start foldingJCP001: i don’t. i’m not wholeheartedly into this. i figured this record would rule considering how mediocre the last one wasJCP001: i like 2 whole songs on this record. big casino and gotta be somebody’s blues.OneLastCigarette: since clarity each album has been a little more boring than the lastJCP001: i mean, the cover art looks like a vaj so i guess it lets you know what you’re getting into off the batOneLastCigarette: i liked the song distraction from the demo version of this and they took it off of the actual releaseJCP001:creampie styleJCP001: i didn’t hear itJCP001: there are a lot of crappy throw-away pop songs on this.JCP001: electable has a good middle part. it’s like a cheese steak without the bread thoughOneLastCigarette: always be starts off good in the same way and ends in a pile of bubble gum vomitJCP001: wtf happened?OneLastCigarette: feeling lucky has a good start too, then *fart sound*JCP001: it’s horribly disappointingOneLastCigarette: what happened whenOneLastCigarette: oh with this?OneLastCigarette: theyre not good anymoreJCP001: obviouslyOneLastCigarette: they were good for like…five minutesJCP001: they went downhill with that awful jebediah splitJCP001: bleed american had more than 2 good songs on it at leastOneLastCigarette: yeah whoever that isOneLastCigarette: bleed american is a decent albumJCP001: decent.OneLastCigarette: futures even has one or two good pop songs on it or maybe im thinking of the songs they scrapped…JCP001: there’s some good stuff on there. i like me some pop but I kinda want huge emo power-balladsJCP001: bleed americanJCP001: not futuresOneLastCigarette: i wanna feel like im gonna cry when the triangle comes inOneLastCigarette: i dont feel that hereJCP001: i’m numb. i’m not even disgusted.OneLastCigarette: its too boring to even get mad aboutJCP001: i updated the site btw, with the new artOneLastCigarette: i was wondering when ye were gonna do thatJCP001: dude, last time we spoke about this album you said it was a grower. nah-uhJCP001: it grows like a rash on your nasty assOneLastCigarette: i apologize for my apparent inability to spot a “grower” thenJCP001: you’ve been okay in the past, this, notsomuchOneLastCigarette: i wasnt exactly paying attention this timeJCP001: and they always put the gay emo song at the end. they need to reassess that in the future. they’ve become predictableOneLastCigarette: my musical equilibrium has been off latelyOneLastCigarette: im pretty much done with these dudesJCP001: you’ve lost your powersOneLastCigarette: and i gained like 7 lbsOneLastCigarette: but i digress…JCP001: oohJCP001: this distraction song blows tooOneLastCigarette: mehOneLastCigarette: i feel like one of my kids did something really horrible. not angry, just sadJCP001: disappointment is so much worseOneLastCigarette: the remastered re release of clarity though, that shit sounds greatJCP001: they get a 2 from me and an”E” for ENOUGH. kthnxbaiOneLastCigarette: you should check that outOneLastCigarette: i thought you werent highJCP001: i’m notJCP001: phoneJCP001: i’m done with this. rate?OneLastCigarette: 2OneLastCigarette: jeffOneLastCigarette: take out the ******** ******* thingOneLastCigarette: i forgot my friend has a ******** *******OneLastCigarette: and hes really sensitive about itOneLastCigarette: **** **** **** ******* *** ******** if you understandJCP001: lolJCP001: change itOneLastCigarette: to whatOneLastCigarette: i cant think of anythingJCP001: since when do you care about offending?OneLastCigarette: change it to ****** ****** *******OneLastCigarette: or something
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This is NOT the cover art. There is actually cover art but, honestly, I didn’t have time to hunt it down. Plus there are also a ton of people making their own. Some okay, some not okay. You can see what the actual art looks like on the Radiohead site. C’mon, I can’t do everything for you. Happy hunting. Also, our guest reviewer this time ’round runs this site here. All Hail Modok!

Well, well, well. Look what we found. Not only the front but the back as well. Kudos to Lenny. He navigates the web like the inside of your mom’s panties.

brocbrock: you there?JCP001: yeah. one secbrocbrock: I’m putting on my super totally awesome headphones. Just sayin.JCP001: are they those big dj head phones that need an adapter to plug it into anything?brocbrock: yep. they weigh like 5 pounds and say ‘noise cancellation.’ which I’m pretty sure is bullshit.brocbrock: are there any ground rules here other than trying not to say I’d have Thom Yorke’s weird looking babies?JCP001: not really. free reign to kiss his lopsided face all you likebrocbrock: I didn’t say I’d kiss him.JCP001: worked for julia robertsbrocbrock: Exactly.brocbrock: first impressions?JCP001: first round i wasn’t wasn’t impressed. even if it was a free record. i was like, “oh good, squarepusher meets radiohead… again.”JCP001: that’s right. free. I gave them £0.00JCP001: some other dude who didn’t know there was a USD conversion table link on the site paid for my record when he gave them £10. jackassesbrocbrock: I have to agree on that early on. By the way, I paid the £40. US/UK conversion’s a bitch. My heavy vinyl’s gonna be sweet. I just need a record playerJCP001: i’m not a collector. i don’t care. i just want the songs.brocbrock: My buddy said “it’s boring.” Which I can’t entirely disagree with.brocbrock: I’m not a collector either except with these guys. What can I say? I’m a fan.brocbrock: But this new shit is, at the outset, not especially striking.JCP001: i like radiohead. they’re not the end all and be all of everything. they’re just a band–thom yorke and some other dudes no one knows the names of.JCP001: it’s growerbrocbrock: J. Greenwood, C. Greenwood, Phil Selway. Without whose drumming, would make Radiohead Thom Yorke’s trance project. Thank god for Selway.JCP001: i have no way of telling if you looked that upbrocbrock: a little check to the spelling should probably prove I didn’t.JCP001: one guy looks like Aaron from 24. the secret service guyJCP001: oh yeah… RADIOHEAD IN RAINBOWSbrocbrock: I don’t own a TV. Radiohead told me to throw it outJCP001: but yeah, after a bunch of listens it grew on me. there’s something lo-fi about it like there’s something lo-fi about spoon.brocbrock: yes definitely. it’s real stripped down and recorded simply.
“Faust Arp,” I’m pretty sure, is the most blatant “We would like to be The Beatles” piece of music that’s actually good I’ve ever heard.brocbrock: What’s the best song on this thing? I’m going straight for the jugular.JCP001: i read somewhere that a majority of these songs are old–played live and never recorded. what say you, radiohead geek?JCP001: is there a term for radioheadites?JCP001: 15 step or reckoner. leaning more towards reckonerbrocbrock: I believe it’s “assholes who aren’t actually assholes” long, I know, but…yeah.brocbrock: Yeah a lot of this stuff has been in the live sets for a whilebrocbrock: 15 step, when that bass line comes in just for a second and disappears, I have to change my shorts after that.JCP001: i like weird fishes and bodysnatchers a lot toobrocbrock: I’m pretty sure Yorke’s the only guy who can sing “I get eaten by the worms and weird fishes” without me laughing at him.JCP001: yeah i skipped googling the lyricsJCP001: i’m not big on deciphering lyricsbrocbrock: I’m afraid they might disappoint on this one. “I don’t want to be your friend, I just want to be your lover.” I dunno about that shit.JCP001: yorke likes to make weird babiesbrocbrock: Yep. Weird, weird fucking babies. Am I allowed to swear? I swear alot when talking about Radiohead because I have trouble articulating my level of worship…JCP001: they also inadvertently turned the industry on it’s ear which earns them pointsbrocbrock: yes, this band has in my mind done a lot to engage people about certain things…things in the industry that are effedbrocbrock: I really like “Videotape” a lot as well.brocbrock: the thing about this record, I think, is that it’s more pretty than groundbreaking.JCP001: musically it’s a good record. how they went about getting it out there was groundbreaking. i’m into bands doing it on their own.JCP001: i like that kind of initiative or ethicbrocbrock: me too, bigtime.JCP001: i did a punk/comic zine years ago so some of that crap sticks with mebrocbrock: gotcha. It’s the best way to make music. these guys have been on that tip for a long time. after their second record made a ton of money, they just bought a ton of recording equipment and they’ve been sort of doing things on their own terms ever since I think. with or without Capitol Records. I think the symbolic move of releasing this themselves is an admirable way to go about things. They pre-empted the leak and gave it away for free. Granted, they can afford it, but it’s still big.brocbrock: if you had to call Radiohead a jam band or a punk band–no other choices–what would you call ’em?JCP001: jam.brocbrock: me too.brocbrock: I just hope they quit while they’re ahead so I don’t have to be that guy buying “special burritos” at their washed up concerts 20 years from now. That would suck.JCP001: they’re smart enough i think to end on a high note. i think they’ll know when they’re donebrocbrock: yeah I agree.brocbrock: So you have anything else to say about this thing?JCP001: i’m pretty much done. like i said it’s good record, the way they went about releasing it gives them points. top marks for yorke… and joe, jim, steve and edgar or whatever their names areJCP001: they always have, like dirty, stretched white t-shirts on in press shots. they got their loot invested sonbrocbrock: Yeah, I think, like you said, it’s a grower for sure. I have to say almost every record this band has made after OK computer has been a grower, and I’m fine with that. My favorite records are the ones that took the longest to really get into. And Thom, if you’re reading this, my number’s 860-THOM-ROX.brocbrock: dude they’re building a space ship to ride the hell out of here when the world collapses, which they’ve predicted by tapping into the brain of Thom’s weird baby.JCP001: it just has a huge hairless head and a droopy eye. it would look like modokbrocbrock: wait, is that the thing in Total Recall? cuz if so, you’re awesomeJCP001: no but that’s better! (Ed. Note: I take that back. NOTHING is better than Baby Modok –JCP001)brocbrock: oh yeah that’s quato or something. what’s modok?JCP001: i’m was going to make a felatio joke but i don’t know you well enoughbrocbrock: I spend every radiohead coversation trying not to suck their dicks. its ok.JCP001: you’d give them 6 fingers if you could. 5 for the record and one to stick up yorke’s ass while you blow him. there.brocbrock: and I’m keeping my fingers clean on this one. Five out of six for me. wait. can I do five and a half? fuck.JCP001: this ain’t pitchfork, buddy. no point anythingbrocbrock: what’s pitchfork?JCP001: good answer
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vdelsante: yoJCP001: oh manJCP001: the bionic woman was coolvdelsante: you crazy kids and your tv showsJCP001: i have a feeling it’s gonna be like alias but with… bionics.vdelsante: i would have to agreevdelsante: but with bionicsvdelsante: meanwhile, I’m sitting here watching Van Halen videos on YouTubeJCP001: that’s it?vdelsante: yeahvdelsante: i was watching Kiss Kiss Bang Bangvdelsante: started falling asleep because I got no sleep last nightvdelsante: and then woke up because it’s so damn hot in hereJCP001: because you have no fans?JCP001: or ac?vdelsante: i have a fanvdelsante: a really powerful one, but it’s still hotvdelsante: so whats up? did you listen to the album yet?JCP001: i listened to the first 5-6 songs and cruised through the rest because i was getting boredJCP001: i got the gistvdelsante: yeah, the album was largely disappointingvdelsante: 5 out of the first 6 albums are a great rock albumsJCP001: FOO FIGHTERS ECHOES, SILENCE, PATIENCE & GRACEvdelsante: and then the bottom dropped outJCP001: this album is all over the place musicallyvdelsante: it was like a few of the other songs are good, but they belong on a different albumvdelsante: yeahJCP001: they hit you with the their best rock out effort first then drag you through their b-sides for the remaining 45 minutesvdelsante: they took a lot of those acoustic songs from the last album that they didn’t use and put them on herevdelsante: oh my god, you totally hit itvdelsante: that first song is so powerful…it could be a rock anthem, and then it starts to fall apartJCP001: it’s big.JCP001: see, my thing about the foo fighters that they have some really good songs but not any solid, really good albumsvdelsante: i don’t necessarily agree with thatvdelsante: I think Colour and the Shape is a great album all the way throughJCP001: my next mission if i choose to accept it will be to make a grammy winning foo fighters playlistvdelsante: from all their albums?JCP001: yesvdelsante: that can’t be that hard to dovdelsante: look, the last three albums were sloppyJCP001: they never won anything right?vdelsante: One by One, In Your Honor, and this one…all over the placeJCP001: i’d wiki them but i’m sure the 17 yo that wrote the “facts” tossed in a grammy or 2 for the hell of itJCP001: i like “come alive” toovdelsante: One by One won Best Rock Albumvdelsante: so did There Is Nothing Left to Losevdelsante: Nothing Left is probably the last solid effort from beginning to endJCP001: did you just wiki that?vdelsante: of course I did!JCP001: little jimmy in utah is gigglingvdelsante: ’cause I wiki’d?vdelsante: Come Alive is quite possibly the best song on the albumvdelsante: quite possiblyvdelsante: Pretender is a really strong contender toovdelsante: Pretender and Contender…two old shows from NBCJCP001: then i just lose interestvdelsante: there you go, Little Jimmy in UtahJCP001: he’s mormon, of coursevdelsante: that’s all there is in UtahJCP001: and then they get kinda poppy and acousticy towards the endvdelsante: when i listened back to the album, i realized that 6 out of 13 songs are goodvdelsante: great evenvdelsante: but that’s a failing grade in high schoolJCP001: statues is like a jack johnson song.vdelsante: that’s a very old school classic rock songJCP001: none of these songs at the end belong on the same album as the first 5-6vdelsante: i agree 150%vdelsante: Anything after Summer’s End is a throwawayJCP001: they start off strong out of the gate but… that’s itvdelsante: they don’t hit a wall immediatelyvdelsante: they jump out and suddenly realize it’s a race, not a sprintJCP001: they just run out of steamvdelsante: yeahJCP001: as if jaime sommers’ boinics failed her mid sprintvdelsante: you love that show alreadyJCP001: 150%vdelsante: you’re a markJCP001: how’s that?vdelsante: it’s like being a Hulk Hogan fan in ’84vdelsante: you saw him body slam an Iranian sheik and you think he’s the greatest thing in the worldJCP001: dude they pulled some david fincher shit on her legs when she first started hauling assvdelsante: you know, I should have watched it because I keep remembering how they did super speed in the 70’svdelsante: …they’d slow all the movement downvdelsante: how does that work?JCP001: and they have cast members from my other geek love, battlestar galacticavdelsante: just Starbuck, right?JCP001: watch a divid fincher movie, we’ll talkJCP001: the Chief and the lawyer dude from last seasonvdelsante: oh, I’ve never seen Se7en or Fight Clubvdelsante: assholeJCP001:starbuck looks slimmer but she’s still beatvdelsante: aw!vdelsante: Katee!vdelsante: Let the record show that Whitey Blaq hates the ladiesJCP001: no, just the beat onesvdelsante: hahavdelsante: how dare you try to call me out on David Finchervdelsante: I haven’t seen Zodiac yet thoughvdelsante: and Panic RoomJCP001: alien 3? c’monvdelsante: saw Alien 3JCP001: the rock!vdelsante: but not The Gamevdelsante: The Rock?vdelsante: what are you talking about?JCP001:charles duttonvdelsante: hahahavdelsante: oh my godvdelsante: that dude killed a dude, you knowJCP001: did he? makes him even fucking coolervdelsante: Fincher is supposed to do Torso (which was a Bendis comic)JCP001: with his bare hands i hopevdelsante: probably just a gunvdelsante: some dudes are weak like thatJCP001: rate this shit. i’m already dragging off the 2 songs i like onto a better playlist.vdelsante: hahavdelsante: what’s the halfway point?vdelsante: like directly in the middle?vdelsante: 2.5?JCP001: i’m giving it a 2vdelsante: ouch!JCP001: you can have a 3, if you likevdelsante: is it out of 5?vdelsante: or 6?JCP001: 5JCP001: four is like pudge territoryvdelsante: I’ll give it a threevdelsante: barelyJCP001: i’m sure no one scrolls to the bottom immediately. our banter is just too witty not to read
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8:07 PMOneLastCigarette: im freeJCP001: so?OneLastCigarette: what the fuck do you mean soOneLastCigarette: dont start with me buffter poindexterOneLastCigarette: are you readyJCP001: okay fucker. i just kicked a cat across the room. i’m fightin’ ready
8:10 PMOneLastCigarette:dante or rolo?JCP001:dante. he deserved it. if not now then he’d have earned it in the futureJCP001: your response time is lacking.
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8:15 PM
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8:20 PMJCP001: your internet is free apparentlyOneLastCigarette: snitches get stitches, bitchOneLastCigarette: can we get on with thisJCP001: KENYE WEST GRADUATION
8:25 PMOneLastCigarette: who’s kenye west?OneLastCigarette: KANYE WEST GRADUATIONJCP001: i’ve been fucking like that up all day. we’ll get the misspellers that way now.OneLastCigarette: some kid named bart in pennsylvania is gonna be called “fart” by his teammates for the rest of his little league careerOneLastCigarette: i hope youre proudJCP001: he’ll learn to accept itJCP001: i haven’t listened to this for a few daysOneLastCigarette: ive done my best not to kill itOneLastCigarette: so at first i thought he fell short, but it turns out this is just a growerJCP001: oh hell yesOneLastCigarette: it hasnt stopped growing yet eitherJCP001: even “champion” grew on me and that has an annoying sampleJCP001: i’m glad he toned that down.OneLastCigarette: i knew you would get past thatJCP001: also glad he didn’t do skitsJCP001: i hate me some skitsOneLastCigarette: yeah, nobody liked the skitsOneLastCigarette: toned what down?JCP001: shut the fuck up, you’re not an actor of comedian.OneLastCigarette: sampling?JCP001: toned down his record of annoying samplesOneLastCigarette: yeah but they had bernie mac. hes an actor AND a comedianOneLastCigarette: albeit an annoying stereotypical oneJCP001: i was trying to count how many times he says louis vuitton but I gave upJCP001: that’s like counting the body count on 24. i picked the wrong season to try to guesstimate that oneOneLastCigarette: did you see the macfarlane bauer?OneLastCigarette: oh my god, its exquisiteJCP001: it’s greatOneLastCigarette: and the companion booksJCP001: he has crates to duck behindOneLastCigarette: to clarify the mush of seasonal happenings in your brainOneLastCigarette: and the bag. i love the bagOneLastCigarette: i think we’ve strayed quite far enoughOneLastCigarette: anywayOneLastCigarette: apparently… kanye threw a temper tantrum at the VMAs over not winningOneLastCigarette: its on youtubeJCP001: it’s greatJCP001: I’m listening to flashing lightsOneLastCigarette: brb phoneJCP001: “…til i got flashed by the paparazzi. damn. these niggas got me. i hate these niggas more than nazis” think on that.JCP001: hang up. you’re “free” lets go. clock’s ticking, lover boyOneLastCigarette: hold on cockJCP001: while lenny is away i will take this opportunity to plug my friend’s band because i can.OneLastCigarette: dudeJCP001: are you free again?OneLastCigarette: the glory is my favorite song on this recordOneLastCigarette: he has that fiery intensity in his flow that he kind of left at home on this run
8:45 PMOneLastCigarette: “can i talk my shit again, even if i dont hit again?”JCP001: but the songs and beats are still strongOneLastCigarette: yeah totallyOneLastCigarette: im taking absolutely nothing away form this albumJCP001: i even like the chris martin song until he overstays his welcome for the last minute of the songOneLastCigarette: ive heard varying criticism of that song, i think its a certified bangerOneLastCigarette: front to backJCP001: did you hear the bonus tracks?JCP001: it is. i could do without the last 30 seconds of him yodelling thoughOneLastCigarette: i was gonna quote him again, but we would just be sitting here typing every lyric on the record if we tried to repeat all the memorable linesJCP001:OneLastCigarette: GRAY AREAOneLastCigarette: i have the japanese import versionJCP001: did you hear the bonus tracksOneLastCigarette: my last two tracks are goodnight and bittersweetOneLastCigarette: i dont think so. did you hear the songs i just mentioned?JCP001: those are good tooJCP001: yesOneLastCigarette: i guess youll have to fly solo on those two tracksOneLastCigarette: goJCP001: i have a remix of can’t tell me nothin which has different lyrics which is cool. like a fresh new songJCP001: who won the “feud?”
8:50 PMOneLastCigarette: as of a couple of days ago kanye was projected as many as 200,000 units ahead of 50OneLastCigarette: 50 recanted his career ending bet a while agoJCP001: pussJCP001: at least take it like a manJCP001: don’t start nothing you can’t finishOneLastCigarette: i have something to sayOneLastCigarette: i think drunk and hot girls is a great songOneLastCigarette: and i dont care what anybody saysJCP001: i like it too now. like you said it’s a growerOneLastCigarette: one thing about this record that will never ever be okOneLastCigarette: and i think this is a unanimous decisionJCP001: what’s that?OneLastCigarette: big brother is so awkward and badJCP001: kinda yeah…JCP001: but people will tell him it great because it’s about jiggaOneLastCigarette: lil wayne is one of my favorite rappers ever. im really happy he holds the only guest mc spot on this
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OneLastCigarette is now online.OneLastCigarette: wrap this shit up. my ride is almost hereOneLastCigarette: final thoughts?JCP001: nah. 4OneLastCigarette: “dog is you fuckin kiddin?”OneLastCigarette: 5. and i would give it a 6 if i could.OneLastCigarette: yeahOneLastCigarette: let me get your other handOneLastCigarette: this gets a 10OneLastCigarette: im outJCP001: “…you got Ds, mothafucker, Ds, Rosie Perez”
9:00 PMJCP001: shit like that makes it for meOneLastCigarette: “im like the fly malcom x. buy any jeans necessary” he’s got punch lines for daysJCP001: know what? i’m throwin’ up a full five for YeOneLastCigarette: YeezyJCP001: “keep makin’ that platinum and gold for me”OneLastCigarette: unpresidented ladies and gentlemenOneLastCigarette: i changed whitey’s mindJCP001: no. the fact that i’ve been spitting his dumb shit for days didJCP001: my will. it is strongOneLastCigarette: whatever you want, princess. im gone for real this time.
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If you’re interested in obtaining a copy of this Ben Lee has made it available here.

OneLastCigarette: yo lets git one of er’ done right now
6:15 PMJCP001: gimme a fewOneLastCigarette: whats a fewOneLastCigarette: you will come back to an empty IM box
6:20 PMOneLastCigarette: i cant believe youre actually the best partner i can getOneLastCigarette: so i wait
6:35 PMJCP001: what are you going on about, miss sandy vagina?OneLastCigarette: im here to do the fucking thingOneLastCigarette: and i wont be here all fuckin dayOneLastCigarette: suzie day plannerJCP001: Ben Lee Sings Against Me! New WaveOneLastCigarette: pencil me in fagJCP001: that’s how i do nowOneLastCigarette: what, map out your day on a grid?JCP001: no, drop the title jack offOneLastCigarette: choke on an aids dickJCP001: like your mom’s?OneLastCigarette: like anybody pays attention to the structure of the title but usJCP001: so i thought this ben lee record was a joke when you told me about it
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6:40 PM
OneLastCigarette is now online.OneLastCigarette: i would like to note here that jeff has just gone idle mid-reviewJCP001: no you signed out on your bootleg internetsJCP001: you signed off, i moved on. i’m a busy guy, mr. babysitterJCP001: and i’m listening to the record now.JCP001: i sound ready to meOneLastCigarette: mr babysitterOneLastCigarette: remember that when i unexpectedly insult you laterJCP001: do you prefer miss?OneLastCigarette: it will be justJCP001: so since when does ben lee look like screech?JCP001: he really did grow up uglyOneLastCigarette: was it you who i heard say “ugh, he grew up ugly.”OneLastCigarette: well thenJCP001: and i said it again. i can reuse previous comedic saying so long as they’re mine.OneLastCigarette: take it easyOneLastCigarette: this is like a lofi richard cheese albumJCP001: it’s new wave light. he basically covers it straight before against me! couldJCP001: but acoustically in his high voice.
The person is not currently online.JCP001: and you went where?OneLastCigarette: i would rather be a famous partial-birth abortionist than take credit for thisOneLastCigarette: it just endedJCP001: i don’t think it’s half badOneLastCigarette: you are a moronJCP001: i actually like that he sings the duet soloJCP001: Borne On The FM Waves Of The HeartJCP001: i’m not into that teagan girlOneLastCigarette: the only thing ill give this is that its catchy in the way a wedding singer covering pop songs isOneLastCigarette: a prepubecent wedding singerOneLastCigarette: at first i was kind of into it until i realized how high and easy to please i feltJCP001: i would fix that later, but i won’t i like prepuJCP001: meant to delete that. not press enterOneLastCigarette: wow whatJCP001: and he did it because he loved the original album…JCP001: …and he had time on his handsOneLastCigarette: this means exactly dick to meJCP001: and a production guyOneLastCigarette: commonly known as the “producer”JCP001: i’m just tossing out when i read on his myspace blogOneLastCigarette: dont edit this conversation at allJCP001: i’m not trying to change your mind, sandyOneLastCigarette: i know, but dont take anything out of thisJCP001: still trying to take in that momentary retardation up there?OneLastCigarette: i hope this doesnt start an irritating trend for b-singer songwriters to cover entire albums of bands who would publicly strip and beat them for being so vag
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7:00 PMJCP001: jesus
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OneLastCigarette is now online.OneLastCigarette: am i online?JCP001: yes. i hope it does. more fodder for us! kanye’s got a cover album of the new 50 cent ready to drop 2 weeks after graduationOneLastCigarette: psychedOneLastCigarette: lets rate this piece of trashOneLastCigarette: hey, guess my score!JCP001: i’m not into ben lee but he really can’t ruin already good songs. 3. you’re a doucheOneLastCigarette: yes he can. the kid looks like he could fuck up a wet dream
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OneLastCigarette: did you listen to that 50 songJCP001: not yetOneLastCigarette: okOneLastCigarette: lets review itJCP001: is it bad ass or funny?OneLastCigarette: listen to itJCP001: he gits itOneLastCigarette: i gitit!OneLastCigarette: theres a remix with ludacris, but its not as goodJCP001: 50 cracks me upOneLastCigarette: hes a comedianOneLastCigarette: i took quarter water, sold it in bottles for two bucksJCP001: i hate seeing him perform on shows. he sucks. zero stage presence for a rapperOneLastCigarette: yeah. i never put too many expec into rap shows thoughJCP001: dude, it’s a case quarter waterOneLastCigarette: spank rock was sick a couple weeks ago thoughOneLastCigarette: you got a case quarter, son?OneLastCigarette: 50 said if kanye sells more than him the fist week he’ll never make a solo record againJCP001: same for kanye?OneLastCigarette: nahOneLastCigarette: shits drop 9/11JCP001: sonOneLastCigarette: i think when he says “”do not fuck with the kid, i get biz with the cig, i can really live, you dig?” he means he will fucking shoot youJCP001: what?OneLastCigarette: lyricsJCP001: ah okJCP001: i’m just pissed that i’m gonna hear this blasting from cars until it gets too cold to keep your windows openOneLastCigarette: i hear this shit all day long out of cars in bkJCP001: actually, it’ll beat the reggae-tonOneLastCigarette: apparently albanian kids with unibrows run new yorkJCP001: i’m having flashbacks to high schoolOneLastCigarette: say whatever you want about this dude and his shitty sophomore lp, this song is fucking dopeOneLastCigarette: what do you give this 50 singleOneLastCigarette: it has a videoJCP001: awesomeOneLastCigarette: i havent seen it. is it?JCP001: everything’s green in it cuz he gits moneyJCP001: he’s so emotionlessOneLastCigarette: hes a coldhearted gangstaJCP001: i give it a 3, cuz kanye’s gonna be the manJCP001: but 50 got black chicks with blonde hair in this video.OneLastCigarette: i dont know. ive heard 3 songs from graduation and the only one i liked at all is stronger. yeah, the one with the daft punk sample…OneLastCigarette: i give this a 4. this is a legitimate summer bangerOneLastCigarette: im entirely into this songOneLastCigarette: i listen to it on repeatJCP001: while you’re getting ready to go out? does it get you psyched?OneLastCigarette: i put it on when i smoke weedOneLastCigarette: makes me feel like a hard ass thug, sonJCP001: walk a mile in my shoes
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OneLastCigarette: just woke upJCP001: niceJCP001: i thought about napping. got real closeJCP001: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rN2VqFPNS8wOneLastCigarette: cant watch that hereOneLastCigarette: has to be at workOneLastCigarette: what is itJCP001: funnyOneLastCigarette: have you seen chocolate rain?OneLastCigarette: youtube chocolate rainJCP001: wait–what??OneLastCigarette: chocolate rainOneLastCigarette: just do it and dont ask ?sJCP001: that dude??OneLastCigarette:tay zondayOneLastCigarette: you wanna do this review while i listen to itJCP001: i’m watching jimmy kimmel and that guy talks like that. weirdOneLastCigarette: thats fucking scaryOneLastCigarette: hes on it right now?JCP001: no, no, you high bastardJCP001:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NattlyH0IeM&mode=related&searchOneLastCigarette: then when are we gonna do itOneLastCigarette: I CAN’T WATCH STREAMING VIDEOS AT HOMEJCP001: yor internets. they are feebleOneLastCigarette: your mothers cock sucking abilities are not feebleJCP001: c’mon. don’t go down mom streetJCP001:MINUS THE BEAR PLANET OF ICEJCP001: how many songs of this record do you still have to listen toOneLastCigarette: 1OneLastCigarette: i have it on nowOneLastCigarette: and im not gonna listen to it againJCP001: hate it huh?OneLastCigarette: this record is weak like a polio kid flippin’ through a wheelchair catalogJCP001: that was nice. did you use that recently or are you just flowin’?OneLastCigarette: it just came out of meOneLastCigarette: brand newJCP001: fresh out the ovenJCP001: i’m the only one who’s down thenJCP001: dennis hated itOneLastCigarette: its so boringOneLastCigarette: you gonna give it a five, fag?JCP001: i actually thought it was pretty interesting and surprisingly catchy. the vocals are dull though.OneLastCigarette: whateverOneLastCigarette: im halfway into the song knightsJCP001: that’s a bangaOneLastCigarette: this thing is a total fucking snooze thoughOneLastCigarette: itunes user ratings mean dickOneLastCigarette: squatJCP001: who said anything about itunes?OneLastCigarette: i just didOneLastCigarette: their user ratings are high for these guysOneLastCigarette: but they probably have high user ratings for korn on there tooJCP001: all the people who review on their are either 16 yos or aspiring critics who write a fucking thesis on the thingsOneLastCigarette: aspiring deeeksJCP001: 3rd lp . they got indie cloutOneLastCigarette: track 5 isnt that boringJCP001: dr. L’ling is 2 minutes too longOneLastCigarette: then nevermindOneLastCigarette: i wasnt up to the metal guitarsOneLastCigarette: neeer neeeeiirJCP001: the musicianship is solid. i hate those trippy, jam out bridge bits thoughOneLastCigarette: waaaahwaaaahJCP001: that was your guitar imitation?OneLastCigarette: yesJCP001: midtempo not your speed?OneLastCigarette: this record is not goodOneLastCigarette: bad recs are not my speedJCP001: they did manage to get a nice shot of hoth for the album cover though.OneLastCigarette: im glad youre providing this additional infoOneLastCigarette: so i dont have to lookOneLastCigarette: hey didnt we decide you the editor for a reasonOneLastCigarette: namely so that i would never have to edit theseOneLastCigarette: what happened to thatJCP001: what do you rate? 1?OneLastCigarette: no i was a little harshOneLastCigarette: 2JCP001: this record is good for when i’m stoned and working at nightOneLastCigarette: so it’ll be in your top 25 most played this yearJCP001: i was gonna drop my top 12.5 of the year so far soon. watch for it
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OneLastCigarette: if you think im listening to this more than once youre fucking nutsOneLastCigarette: so today at the show paul bruno asked “have people been sending in their records?”OneLastCigarette: and im like no were dicks, we didnt get that set up yetJCP001: and you said…?OneLastCigarette: thats what i saidJCP001: sorryJCP001: started typing before i saw your responseJCP001: survivorman was drinking his own pee. got distacted. new seasonOneLastCigarette: its good to be backOneLastCigarette: who would be better on that show chuck norris or jack bauerJCP001: bauer. survivorman would have a hard time keeping upOneLastCigarette: track 6 – kiss. i didnt think this record would hit a new horrible low mid-wayOneLastCigarette: oh and KORN UNTITLEDOneLastCigarette: broadcast live from my one and only listenJCP001: we’re actually doing this? I listened to half of the record and realized that there was a reason why i never listened to korn in the first place.JCP001: i figured we could do spoon and put the shit storm of korn behind usOneLastCigarette: yeah i wanna be a hack asshole, lets do spoon.OneLastCigarette: can we move alongJCP001: but i do want to mention head just so we could link to himJCP001: thank youOneLastCigarette: google: head jesus kornOneLastCigarette: im not doing spoonOneLastCigarette: i was being sarcasticOneLastCigarette: stop resistingOneLastCigarette: what kind of welcome back is thisJCP001: just listening to korn is embarrassing. I’ll have to play it on my head phonesJCP001: when i listened to the first few songs on the train i felt like people knew i was listening to korn. might have been the look of disgust on my faceOneLastCigarette: so we have nothing. cause i dont even know what to say about this atrocityOneLastCigarette: you always look like thatJCP001: since i like to read the fan reviews on iTunes, apparently they “changed their sound”OneLastCigarette: track 8 – ever be. blatant led zeppelin rip offJCP001: still sounds like nu-metal. and they all still look like coolio except the drummer.OneLastCigarette: saw ted leo and the thermals todayOneLastCigarette: the thermals were really fuckin goodOneLastCigarette: surprised meOneLastCigarette: ted leo did that whole ted leo thing againJCP001: something about the thermals irks meJCP001: that’s what you get for hanging with music jerksOneLastCigarette: the night after i hurled at martini when i woke up in my bed i didnt know where i wasOneLastCigarette: little “cross promotion” thereOneLastCigarette: whoever saw me puking, this is for youOneLastCigarette: or saw me layed out on terrence’s trunkOneLastCigarette: who ironically left his car there because he was too wastedJCP001: sounds like a hoot, you gross bastardOneLastCigarette: no i was actually very elegant about itOneLastCigarette: nobody actually saw me vomOneLastCigarette: so any stand out terribleness in this album?OneLastCigarette: ill call tracks 1-13 as the most terrible songs on the album in no particular orderJCP001: the lyrics are awfulJCP001: he’s writing angst ridden songs for teenagers in big stupid pants. they still exist. i’ve seen themOneLastCigarette: you lieJCP001: on the streets like they teleported from 1998JCP001: with white guy braidsOneLastCigarette: the beard braidOneLastCigarette: with a beadJCP001: so wait, their last record flopped?OneLastCigarette: this invokes rammstein and coal chamber and all other sorts of terribleOneLastCigarette: do you know what its called?OneLastCigarette: cause i dontOneLastCigarette: when that guy head finds jesus theres no way he’ll forgive him for all the terrible records hes already madeJCP001: nope. unforgivable. and i’m so disinterested I’m not even going to research itJCP001: korn. bad callOneLastCigarette: your idea, for the recordJCP001: i was hoping you wouldn’t point that out, dick, but i also knew you would because you’re a dick.OneLastCigarette: well im not exactly overflowing with material here. give me a breakOneLastCigarette: im really scraping the barrellJCP001: i’ve still been working over that spoon recordOneLastCigarette: i chewed all the flavor out of it to be honestJCP001: then i started working through old spoon.JCP001: they pretty much have a flawless catalogOneLastCigarette: it was argued by aforementioned music jerks that they were the most consistent band of the 00’sOneLastCigarette: or the past few yearsOneLastCigarette: or some shitOneLastCigarette: along with the white stripesOneLastCigarette: i was really high i dont remember any moreJCP001: was there a vote taken before they kicked the disagreeing music geek off nerd island?OneLastCigarette: korn. what a horrible albumJCP001: so horrible they couldn’t even title the piece of shit.OneLastCigarette: im putting on spoonOneLastCigarette: i think ill get some chicken broccoli for dinnerJCP001: zero all around.OneLastCigarette: i give this one empty look of disgust
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