“If you had been thinking…”

I have been living for:
587 Months
2554 Weeks
17879 Days
429087 Hours
25745228 Minutes
and 1544713749 Seconds
and I’m still not ready. I still need
more time. I’m still searching, still trying to
find my path. My destiny.

Well, I will tell you right now what my mother would say;
“Shit or get off the pot.”
And she would be right, my dear loving mother who always gives us such
great advice. So filled with love it makes you wonder how
one person can have so much kindness in their heart.

I call these conversations between us my, “Hard Labors in Love.”
And hears the one that just sends me to the moon every time she says it,
“If you had been thinking.”
In other words, if you had been thinking, you wouldn’t have fucked up in all the various ways that you did. Like,

Getting thrown out of dance school, even though most people refer to that situation as sexual abuse, as in, not my fault.

“Screwing” your dance teacher to help you get chosen to join the company.
Which, was my dream to dance and tour with the company, never happened because
I was kicked out. I’m sorry, asked to leave, and I believe the correct term for what happened to me would be “Sexual abuse or Statutory rape. Sex with a minor. Something in that vain.

“If you had been thinking,” applies to all aspects of life; Money, School, Real Estate, Career, you name it. It has continued to this day, some, 587 months after I was born, I’m still catching it.

I know you love me. I know you just don’t want to see me get hurt. I want my kids to do better than me. To avoid some of the pitfalls in this world that take up massive amounts of days and months and minutes of your life.

I can’t change you. You are strong and brilliant and I probably couldn’t have achieved all that you were able to achieve with four children to raise by yourself. You are a remarkable woman.

This is the part where I kiss you and you
grab my waist, noting my weight loss. You tell me that I am doing to much and need to stop letting these children run me into the ground. I reply to you, saying, “I am fine, and the children are trying to be more helpful.”