happy mother’s day.
well i guess you’re not a mother but maybe you’ll be a mother someday. maybe you’ll find a nice young man of faith with youthful virility called to be a father. or maybe someone will want you to be the godmother of their child. or maybe you’ll become a mother superior. idk.

i’ve been having rough week at work this week. and there is one manager who is very condescending toward me and this attitude she has toward me i was going to try and report today when i got my pay-check…but i decided not to do either because i am worried she would think that would be the equivalent of me “throwing her under a bus” and then also pretty much the entire staff i fear would have her side and i would come out the jerk.

i was shopping earlier this week and she was scanning my items. when i put my items on the conveyer belt thing at those stores, i like them all to be together before they are scanned. she kept moving it so i told her to wait twice…very annoying. and then she grabbed my discount card out of my hand before i had a chance to give it to her which was also annoying because i don’t like it when people grab things from my hands without my consent. who does?

then she also calls me a “kid” even though i am actually older than her by about a couple of years and she also constantly asks me on night shifts if i want to go home early even when i state that i want to finish my shift.

this has been going on with this manager a while but i think the shopping incident this week was simply the last straw…

I am sorry to hear that things have been not so easy on you lately. I am not really sure how to advise, because I would probably need to hear more to really know what to do as far as reporting or not. The things you say sound annoying, but as annoying as they may be, I do not think they would necessarily lead to her being seriously reprimanded, and any reprimand given could, like you said, possibly backfire. Maybe you could ask her politely, the next time she calls you a “kid,” to please call you by your name and gently remind her that you are not a kid. I would insist on that one. She is exhibiting controlling issues there that are out of line. Every time she calls you “kid,” and I mean every time, politely correct her with your name until she gets it. Same with the shift thing. Every time she asks about the shift thing, politely remind her that you prefer to finish all of your shifts and there is no need now, or in the future, for her to doubt that you will want to stay. The other things may have to do with control issues too. I hope it gets better for you.

Yes, she may have many issues. Refusing to call you by your name is a huge red flag, especially if you have asked her to. Try to figure out which things you can accept and which are just too much, and make your decision from there.

That is a good idea. But be careful. Watch her closely and make sure you do not think she has narcissistic traits. If she does, anything you try to say to her could backfire on you. Run a few “narc” tests on her to see.

There are lots of ways. One easy one is to casually say in conversation one day, “so, if you could change three things about yourself, what would you change?” A normal person will find it an interesting question; a narc will do something like find it offensive, or make claims that they do not need to change anything about themselves – they are happy as they are. People in positions of authority can be nice, but they many tend to really dislike being told ANYTHING, however benign you may mean it, or however much you may come to them hoping for them to understand. I read once that this could be because many narc’s are attracted to such positions…or maybe, IMO, just being in that position makes people get used to being the boss, and so they start to develop a “don’t tell me” syndrome. At any rate, be careful and sort of feel her out first to see how open she is to possible criticism.

Well, if she seems like the type of person who can take a little constructive criticism without wanting to chase you away, then maybe you could wait to another conversation and casually say something like, “hey, you seem like the type of person who is really understanding, and someone I could talk to if I have a problem that I want to work out. You cannot do that with most people, but you seem like someone I could approach. There are a few things that I have noticed that you may not notice, and they have been kind of troubling me and making me not feel to good. I was wondering if I could share them with you and you would be willing to work with me so that I could feel more comfortable here?” Think it out first and plan what you will say, and just stay cool no matter what. Hopefully she will understand, but be careful what you present to her. Don’t go in with a list of 20 things that need changed, it might overwhelm her. Think of the ones that bother you the most, and focus on those.

my rosary was stolen last week on my vacation…along with four of my books, my ipod, and my backpack…it’s been difficult but fortunately all of my belongings have been recovered and so there’s been working with shipment and police in d.c. to get my stuff from there to arizona but i miss my rosary…

i think it will be. fortunately not having to deal with the manager a lot. they’ve been having me doing a lot of closings but with managers that treat me as an adult rather than as a child so i get a long with them better.

i reported the manager the other day. the manager i reported her to told me that she does this to pretty much everyone but it is inappropriate and she would talk to her. now i am hoping the one manager does not retaliate against me. hopefully, they have me working with another manager tonight though…

otoh, my stuff was shipped back to me yesterday. probably will get it next week.

isabella, work is really bad right now. i’m having trust issues now with that manager that has affected my break schedule at work to an extent that i’m not sure if i ought to take a break or if she is trying to get me in trouble when she tells me to…
then there’s another manager who keeps referring to me as “sweetie” and “dear” and has said “sweetheart” once which is awkward and bizarre and that other manager has defended this saying “we develop habits”–sorry, but that does not change our store’s policy which makes this inappropriate.
in addition, i had a dispute with one of the veteran cashiers the other day. saturday, my younger sister gave me a bobble-head doll since she is doing an internship with the local baseball team which is apparently one of the diamondbacks’ star players this year. i was telling that to this cashier on sunday since we had talked about bobblehead day the day before and she asked me about if i would sell it in a very pesky manner as if she wanted to buy something off me that my younger sister gave me. i fiercely told her that i would not be selling it. she asked me about if i would bring it to show her it this week and i said no that i would not be selling it. she continued to ask this and pester me until i finally harshly said to her to leave me alone. the other cashier i was this thought the behaviour of the other cashier was quite rude as well.

Hi Daniel dear. I am very sorry that you feel so troubled. Please do not take such offense at so many little things. I cannot be a proper judge, as what I read is only a fraction of your experiences, but from what I understand these moments are irritations but nothing terribly serious. If anything, they are opportunities to practice patience with others who can be terribly annoying at times, and believe me, I do understand how annoying and even obnoxious some people can be. Perhaps I am getting rather tough in my old age, but I absolutely must encourage you to develop a stronger shell against these irritations or you shall go mad in life. Please forgive me if I seem harsh. You have been through many difficult things, and I by no means intend to diminish your difficulties, but I really must encourage you to not take offense at such slights so easily. If anyone can understand how easy it is to be hurt and slighted it is me, for I am horribly sensitive, but I am therefore all the more aware that you must not allow yourself to nurse such slights as I do believe you tend to do. My friend, if you have any questions, please do ask and I will do my best to assist. I hope that my advice makes sense. I have no doubt that some of these issues are improper, but you will go utterly mad in life if you let them all get to you. Pax my friend. 🙂

cashier and i are reconciled without an apology but none necessary.
manager was on break at the SAME TIME as me. i asked her if i could get off break early but she made me stay on it insisting it was a “rule” and making me feel like something i have done in the past (get off break early) was wrong. i can never stay on break the full 15 minutes.
i asked her later if i was in trouble because i had kept bringing up examples during the break which contradicted her own dogmatism on what occurred with the breaks. she kept saying that whoever gave me my information was wrong when ONLY SHE was the one who was spouting that dogmatically constructed view and EVERYONE ELSE was contradicting her.
she was working money at a register so the other manager asked me to leave her alone and so obliged and asked that manager the question i had during the break. namely, does a person have to take the whole 15 minutes off? can they just take 10 for example? guess what…the primary manager was wrong and should have let me off my break when i FIRST asked them.
so i guess that’s a semi-win.
yes, your advice is good. i think in actuality, if i was less irritable then even if the term “sweetie” did bother me, i would be better able to ask the manager to please not address me as that. store director had been calling me “buddy” and i was asking him a question on friday when he had addressed me as “buddy” to which i said calmly “please do not call me buddy” and possibly because it was in the polite and non-irritable tone, he apologised and has been working on not addressing me as “buddy”. i prefer to be treated more professionally at work…
incidentally, the next day he slipped but it did not bother me…also, because he realised he slipped.
my irritability is something i am having to constantly see my confessor about.
i don’t think you sounded tough at all.

I hope that it works out for you. Work situations can be frustrating, especially when dealing with the same people every day. Little nuances can become very aggravating. Keep working with your confessor on that though, and try to keep it at bay so that it does not upset you too much. Easier said than done, I know, but if you cannot change it, the next step is to work on keeping your own sanity amidst the lack of change from others. Hang in there. 🙂

Of course, now I have to report intimidation and coercion on this poor manager…I did not want to report that but I talked with a cashier friend of mine at work today about the manager forcing me to stay on break for the full fifteen minutes and she felt it was rather awful as well. Not to mention, the intimidation this manager gave me when I first started for missing my breaks. OTOH, I now know not to fear the manager but that was an awful period to have to go through. I had been dead scared every time the manager had walked in when I first started because I wasn’t certain when to take my breaks and I have also been scared of her lately as well until this week.

I am sorry to hear it is going so poorly. Does she think that maybe breaks help you to work better? Maybe they have had a problem in the past with people overworking, and having it negatively reflect on their work. Have you asked her why she is so insistent on you taking your breaks if you are not interested in taking them? Some people do better without breaks; I am the type when I work at a busy job, I want to just keep going and keep the momentum up, and breaks “break” that for me sometimes, but it depends on the type of work I am doing, so I can see where that might be frustrating. Maybe you both have a different understanding of what helps you and it would be good to talk about it and see what she is thinking?

She thinks it is “the law” that employees are required to take a 15 minute break every 4 hours of work. It’s not. Arizona follows federal law since it has no state law on the issue. Federal law says that if employers decide to give breaks that are less than 20 minutes, they are required to pay the employee for the break.
I asked the store director the other day if managers are allowed to force employees to take their breaks and he told me that they are not allowed to make employees take their breaks and if a manager is giving you problems about this to tell him about it. So I told him about that manager. He was leaving for the day but he said he would talk to the manager on Monday.
I am a similar way to you. I get either bored taking too long of a break or I just find myself not getting enough done. I drink water and that is pretty much all the break I need throughout the day and I drink it because the managers want me to drink that so I don’t die in the heat while bringing in the carts.

I hope that he talks to her for you. In that case, based on what you said, you could just ignore her and if she gives you a difficult time, tell her to please speak with the manager you mentioned to me that agrees with you. I hope that it works out better; I can understand not wanting to take breaks. Some people just do better without them. So, you can always stand your ground politely.

Doing well. They’ve finally done something about that manager. They’ve edited the schedules this week so that I am not sharing shifts with her or if I am it is at a time when there is another manager there. Also, this is her last week at our store as well.
I must at least visit you though.

That is good that things seem to be clearing up in regards to that manager. It is never fun to deal with such complications. I would imagine you must feel relieved. Hang in there. 🙂 In regards to meeting, that is very kind of you. When we first started talking, I remember requesting that you not get attached though, to me or anyone online (or on rl), as I know that you are very sensitive and I did not want you to get hurt by getting attached to anyone. I think the Pope would probably find it something symbolically akin to rebuilding the pyramids singlehandedly if I was to meet him online and he wanted to meet in rl, so please do not take it personally. I just prefer to keep online, online.

Wel, since relationships are meant to lead us to God, that can happen in a variety of ways. Internet friendships are one way. Those we meet in r/l are another. What counts is how healthy the friendship is for us, and if it is leading us to God or away from God. Do you feel talking to me helps you in that way?

I feel it does. I hope that if I end up moving out of state or going some place else for grad school or even flat out moving some where I have someone like you to talk to. There’s a deacon I meet with regularly who also helps me a lot.

That is good. Relationships are meant to lead us to God, and as God is Love that means they should be beneficial to our well being, and help us to grow in spiritual joy, strength, etc. Your relationships should make you feel good about yourself, and make you feel strong. They should encourage you to grow and change, but in a healthy way. If they are not doing this, then it is time to re-evaluate them. Of course, there are all sorts of different types of relationships, and in some situations one may have to bear with certain things (like a professed nun in a convent, or someone in a marriage) but I think in many other situations, only those relationships that make you a better person and make you stronger should be kept. It is good you have a deacon to talk to. We can all benefit from someone like that. I would recommend also brushing up on social skills. I may be wrong, but I think you come from a dysfunctional family, and if that is so, there is always a lot to learn. Don’t feel bad if it is so, more people than ever seem to come from such families these days. And needing improvement on social skills does not make someone a good or bad person; social skills are not the same as the essence of a person, but they help draw the sorts of people to you that will be a good influence. 🙂

That makes sense. If you do not mind though, I would caution against that. I think it is normal in dysfunctional families for children of the same to seek places where they can receive what they did not get in childhood. The only problem is, once a human being leaves childhood, it is basically impossible to ever fully receive what was not given. A lot of people frustrate themselves by searching and hoping for this I think, and some spend a lifetime, only to end up disillusioned. No one can ever parent an adult. Were just not ooey-gooey-pinch-you-in-the-cheek-and-love-all-the-absurd-things-you-do anymore. 🙂 Children and puppies/tiny dogs can get away with things adults never could, and still find all sorts of reassuring love because aren’t-they-just-so-cute? I think the healthiest thing to do is realize that no one will ever come along who can make up for what was not given, or give that in a sort of “late fashion,” and instead focus on realizing that nonetheless, one can still grow and heal. Ultimately what it is all about is that dysfunctional families never raised their children right, and so the children have all sorts of wrong ideas and attitudes and beliefs. In a nutshell, they often have not fully “grown up” yet, because their parents failed to teach them all the right things that would ensure they matured without dysfunction. It is not something they should feel bad about though. It happens to so many, and is not their fault that they received poor parenting. (It is important to keep in mind that these poor parents were also often poorly parented; it is a continuing cycle). But all this can be corrected; the only thing is to realize that now you have to be the parent for you, and do it for yourself. Here is where your faith comes in and God, as well as good advisors who are willing to dig in and advise from a healthy angle, and lots of good reading, etc. But definitely try to avoid looking for that replacement family. It will never come unless it comes from within. But…that is the beauty of being an adult. A child could never raise itself; an adult has the reasoning power to step in and do what good old mom and dad failed to do. Just takes time, a positive attitude. a willingness to accept trial and error, faith, and dedication.

Well, try to realize you are not alone. I think the whole process of becoming holy could also be reasonably defined as the process of “growing up.” The majority of people today I think come from dysfunction of some sort, and even your seemingly most “together” people have their share of pockets that need pieced together so to speak. I think every human being on the planet is underdeveloped to one degree or another; after all, only Mary was the perfect human being, and Christ was perfect too, but he was both God and man. So….you are not alone by far in having to undertake “the process.” I have some ideas for you, but I will share them with you a little later. I regret to hear that they hate your religion. It takes courage to stick it out though, even when your family is against you, so God must be at work in your life. I think your parents are protestant? I am not sure but I think I recall something along those lines. Hang in there. 🙂

They are wicked liberals really. I apologise for calling them “wicked” as that seems dishonouring to them. They are well-meaning but their intentions are flawed and their sentiments the church ought to change its beliefs is a direct attack on faith.

Slippery ones, eh? 🙂 Well, isn’t that how it often goes on that side of things… You know, I do have some ideas for you, but I may have to share them in increments as to explain them properly will take quite some time! By the way, what nationality are you? Well, as for increments, here is one small one: like I said before, please do not fall into the trap of trying to find what you did not receive from your parents from others. It may seem for a time to give you a “fix,” but you will become more like a junkie than a healed adult. Once the “fix” stops working, the wounds will still be there, and you will be desperate to find another “fix.” You do not want to spend your life spinning in pointless circles; you are too smart for that. And they will be pointless, and each time a little more damage will be done to your core being, which will make the “withdrawals” more painful each time, and the fury and frustration worse as you try to find another “fix.” So first is to really try to understand that from a solid, well-grounded understanding of the human being and what it needs in childhood, what it can only get there, and what it can receive in adulthood and cannot receive there, it is just not healthy to keep searching for what I know you have searched for, and still do. You are really doing yourself a huge favor to try to understand and accept that now, however hard it may be at first. Then, once you grasp that and can really say, “I get it. Even if before me stood the most tempting person who would offer to me to stand in as a mother figure, I would not take the offer, as I know where it would lead ultimately – to no healing, and to just a worsening of my state in the long run.” If you can say that, then good! But you need to get to that point. Then, I think you can start to consider where you can get what you need genuinely and in the most healthy way, and there are options. Just not like what you think. Does any of this make sense so far? I hope you are doing good!

Minimal sense. I was distracted by your weird question about my nationality. I’m obviously a Christian–I hope I am…
I am an American citizen like you are 🙂 I come from Arizona…the home of Traitor McCain.

I was curious. Nationalities have been on my mind a lot lately. It is interesting that while you cannot stereotype people, nationalities still seem to have certain strengths that can perhaps pop up and be built upon. It is interesting to see some peoples start out one way as a cultural whole, and end up another. In some ways this can perhaps be reflected in the individuals of those people, and their strengths.

When I was in high school, I learned that America was a melting pot. A melting pot is a pot that a variety of different metals are poured into in order to create alloys. Iron, copper, brass, gold, silver, etc. When the metals are mixed, the result is a much stronger material than they are as a individuals. It is sad lately that Americans have chosen “identity politics” which state that blacks have been made victims by whites, women victims by men, Muslims victimised by non-Muslims(???–September 11 was when Muslims were tormented by non-Muslims I guess…)…etc.
We are stronger together but only when we allow ourselves to mix in with the best of each others’ cultures. Christian missions did that a lot. It is why you see so many different liturgical rites. Yet they still maintained their own unique culture as well as America does because they do not throw out their culture. They take the best of other cultures and it to its own yet they remain counter-cultural and their own culture in Christ. Neither Jew nor Greek.

Yes, I received a lot of the same ideas growing up too. There is some merit to them, but I question them more and more as I get older.

I do not think America has much of a culture personally. I think the idea of cultural identity has been sadly lost. I am not saying that we need to go back to the old identities, but I am not sure what we have here is really necessarily better in the overall picture. In some ways perhaps, but not overall.

For example. what makes a culture? First, there is language. Each culture historically spoke its own language, which was a form of unique expression creating a sort of “cultural vibe.” I notice this in traveling; France would “feel” different from Italy, even if one was blind, because their languages sound so different and thus “say” something about the people. Are they passionate (Italian) versus refined (French), warlike (German) versus peaceful (still working on that one!)? You kind of get a “vibe” for people just by the sounds their languages make.

Yet you cannot judge a people by their sounds, and I by no means intend to imply that. But language is a start to an identity I think.

Yet here in America, do we speak American? We speak English. Yet if we went to England and said, “I am English,” they would perhaps do something such as politely remind us that we have a passport and to please go home when our legal time in their country is up.

So right there, our foundation as a culture is shaky, for it is not really “ours.” It is loaned; and besides that, for many people that foundation was never theirs to begin with (French, Italian, Irish, German, etc.).

From language streams a culture, or a heritage. But what is a heritage? A bunch of fireworks on the fourth of July with hotdogs and beers and everyone celebrating “independence” but no one really caring what that means? You can get fireworks in countries all over the world. I am not sure how that is special.

So what do we have? Sunday football? What do you do if you are me and you do not watch? Football is a personal interest, not a heritage.

So where are our rituals? Going to the mall? Shopping? Consuming? Voting once every four years and saying we are so much more “different” than others?

Furthermore, what of genetics? I had my DNA done, and not one strand of DNA would show anyone that does not know me that I ever had anything to do with this side of the world. In fact, my DNA is so heavily identified with the region around Ireland/England, that I have as much as a native born to that region. Yet without a single bit of DNA to North America, I am more American than Celt?

Of course, I do have other DNA from many other parts of Europe mixed in, and could claim heritage from all around Europe (although more broken up and not enough to be classified as a native in those regions).

So without a language of our own, a heritage of substance of our own, and even a DNA of our own, what are we?

These are just some questions I have rambling around. I get the melting pot idea, but maybe being melted isn’t so much fun after all – especially if it means all you have left is fireworks on the fourth of July and shopping malls the rest of the year.

I quit my job today…things got harder after the bad manager left. There are two managers who expect me to have everything done in a single hour and to also be working on carts for a whole 30 minutes leaving the other half to sweeping and cleaning the bathrooms. But I can’t keep up with the pace because they want everything done. Then three of the courtesy clerks have been hounding me and they hardly do nearly as much. It’s a bad situation and since the managers are “in” on creating the bad situation, there’s not anything can be done…

You are on another journey so I wish you Godspeed and farewell for now. Please let me know where you end up. I’ll be waiting for you and want to follow you. I’ve been following you for a number of years now, a loyal subscriber, I might add. Please keep in touch.