Football News Continually Missing the Target

Under siege Blackburn boss Steve Kean has revealed his secret to staying constantly positive revolves around a tremendous quantity of magic mushrooms. The Rovers manager claimed he was too busy fighting off inflatable gremlins to notice another home defeat on Tuesday evening.

With every hair on my flourishing head I believe we can beat Bolton tonight. Our closest title chasing enemies Wanderers will be no match for our fleet of midfield warriors. Their very name suggests they have no great discipline.

Great people of your Democratic Republic of Steve Kean…It’s 3am and I am f***ing pissed!!! I just tied your all commanding Yakubu to a lamp post and I’m now urinating on the front garden of a lesser mortal than myself.

Great people of the Democratic People’s Republic of Steve Kean. I return from the war torn city of Stoke with a bucket full of fine Venky’s chicken under my right arm (or wing, ha! You all laugh now). Another glorious 5-0 victory was made all the more sweet by Manchester United’s failure to pick up a win at home to Newcastle United, not that it matters seeing as they were already 16 points behind our generous lead at the top. Another hat trick for your glorious centre forward Yakubu ensures it can’t be long before the Republic treat him to vastly spectacular statue outside home of the highest attendances in the Premier League.

Investing money you’ve made frying chickens into Blackburn Rovers is probably not a very good idea it was confirmed last night, after the Venky’s group failed in yet another attempt to try and convince somebody to live in Blackburn. The Indian owners had promised Real Madrid legend Raul a personal, man-made island off the coast of Lancashire but the former Spanish international was concerned he’d still have to ferry to the mainland from time to time and touch stuff.

Local county councils in Lancashire are inspecting the water supply for signs of hallucinogenic substances after Blackburn Rovers boss Steve Kean said he believed his side could qualify for Europe, and that his head was now the shape of a giant bunny. Kean made the claim that his Ewood Park outfit could qualify for a Europe in four years’ time leaving many questioning how on earth he could ever possibly assume he’d still be in charge in four years’ time.

Blackburn Rovers owners Venky’s Group have admitted that, in hindsight, Steve Kean is a Scottish baldy after watching their side plummet towards the foot of the Premier League table. Having sacked the proven Sam Allardyce in exchange for the former Richard O’Brien stunt double the club now find themselves facing the real prospect of relegation from the top flight and Venky’s owner Colonel Sanders believes a hasty decision may have been made.