Celibates Be Aware: Sex Can Be Wonderful for Your Health!

In 2003, after the publication of my first major book (which made the medical-spiritual connection), I received invitations to speak to women, as well as to various church and community organizations, across the country. I was asked to address the topics of women's health, minority health, and media and social issues--especially those affecting Black women. But a funny thing happened on the way to the discussions about fibroid tumors, yeast infections and diabetes in pregnancy: I began to receive invitations to speak about interpersonal relationships, passion, and sex, sex, sex!

I remember one meeting planner said, "I know your book is about blessings, health, and spiritual well-being, but [hesitating]...would you be comfortable speaking to the women about...sex?" She said, "The women might need that [lecture]." I said, "Absolutely!" As a result, that "passion" lecture became (and still is) my bestselling lecture: It is a hoot! I enjoy giving it and I still get letters from ladies telling me how I saved their marriage. [Good job, ladies! Keep it up.]

The planner's question raised the point that sex is a topic about which many women are hesitant to address. But her inquiry also demonstrated how many women think: That there is a possible conflict to be "spiritual" and also "sexual" at the same time. Many baby boomers (especially if they were very church-based) suffered with that conflict because many boomer-parents didn't talk to their children about anything concerning sex or body parts. In today's world, there's often too much sex--on TV, on the web, and in music videos; sometimes its glut detracts from the beauty of sex.

That said...there are still many mature women--even married women--who have major hang-ups about allowing themselves to enjoy sex. I find this to be true for the church ladies, and especially Black female, or other deeply-entrenched, churchgoers.

Many deeply faith-based women are in church almost as often as at home, in class or at work. At church or temple, many times the topic of sex isn't even addressed, at least not in any affirmative way. Many ladies are very "churchified" (my word), and the "church lady" clothes demonstrate that, even for some thirty-and-forty-somethings. Also many women might dress the part, or do "what I needed to do" to get their husband, but then sexually shut down after they say "I do." [Don't do that, ladies!]

In the past in regular churches, and still in fundamentalist churches, many are told it's a sin to show cleavage, wear pants, tight skirts, and even open-toe shoes. Women of God are to "dress demurely"; and a "Godly woman who wants a Godly man," so one should cover up. Mind you, the majority of the people telling women this are often some of the "church mothers,'" many of whom hadn't had a man--or even a hug or intimate kiss--all year. Many specialize in the "holy" kiss, and a holy kiss is just that--holy. You can't get the same feeling from a "holy" kiss as you can from a loving touch, kiss or relationship with your man. [Can I get an "Amen"?]

I am not here to tell any of you to "sin," or violate your religious beliefs; we all have to work out our own path. And the church mothers you might encounter mean well, as the celibate lifestyle has its benefits, including a feeling of being spiritually pure and set apart for God. Plus, in a day of rampant sex and STDs, discretion and being monogamous is a must.

But I write to encourage you to embrace all that God made you to be. With that, I can only say, that, as a physician, it is my duty to tell you things that will bolster your health, so I would be remiss if I don't tell you...Celibates Be Aware: Sex can be wonderful for your health! (This advice applies to you rarely-sexed souls, as well.)

If you have any true hang-ups, I'll soon share "Overcoming Hang-ups to get the Hook-up." I'll explore parental influences/attitudes; and religious, emotional, self-image, emotional and hormonal issues. Also sexual dysfunction. Until then, the first thing I want you to realize is you can be blessed, spiritual and sexy all at the same time. Why? Because that's what we were made to be. As men, as women--as humans--we are all of it. Here's an excerpt from the [hot, but informative] ‘sex' chapter of Living Well:

We are spiritual beings. We are emotional beings, with feelings and social needs. We are maternal beings--those instincts are very strong in practically every woman alive. We are professional beings; we cherish using our brains to achieve at education and careers. Many women of faith readily acknowledge and embrace these characteristics.

But we are also sexual beings...and that part of us is not to be denied or minimized. Recognize that your Creator made you a sexual being.

In my lectures, one of the biggest moments comes when I discuss oral sex. Many in the audience are already on board, but often when I simply say the word "swallow," I hear the "ewwws" and the "oh no" comments from the audience. So for those who feel that such an act is not something a spiritual woman would/should do, I share this: In the Bible, the Song of Solomon 2:3 addresses oral sex. It reads: As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. Now...what does it sound like she's doing "down there" under her man's shadow...? And to what "fruit" of his is she referring? Hmmm. [I see you going to check your Bibles. Go 'head; look! It's in there!]

The key factor in accepting yourself as a sexual being is to realize the naturally-occurring, primal nature of sex and its origin, not only among animals, but among us--human beings.

If you can, take time some spring or summer morning and observe nature in action. You will be amazed that these immodest creatures don't even care that you're watching their game, and you'll soon see the offspring from their successful sexual dalliances.

Observing God's creatures reminds me that whales do it; bees do it; even birds in the trees do it--they have sex. And certainly any adult realizes that countries are populated by the ongoing number of newborns each year; that's why we have billions of people on planet Earth. So, sex is not an anomaly. It's not something that only you think about. It's a natural bodily act, urge and need given to any and all living creatures.

Sex is an instinctive drive; it's just the way we're wired as living, breathing creatures. Embrace it! Sex is not only for procreation, but recreation. It's a God-given, pleasurable experience to be shared with your loved one. The pleasure is not only for the man to enjoy; you, too, are to partake and enjoy the experience in all of its splendor.

Sex is also good for you. Better than milk, sex does a body good. Sex is healing and is often good for what ails you. How, you ask? [Stay tuned for another installment.]

Living Well, Despite Catchin' Hell, a book about health, sex and happiness, with a foreword by Pauletta Washington, musician and wife of Academy Award winner, Denzel Washington; and endorsed by psychologist Dr. Jeff Gardere and others. The book includes current comparative data for Black, White, Hispanic, Asian and Native American women. The first book in 8 years addressing Black women's health; also addresses the effects of negative stereotypes. (print and eBook).

"Celibates Beware" ??? I think the tile was kind of ignorant and misleading. A "celibate" like the very loving, peaceful Mother Theresa, Christ or The Dalai Lama is different from someone with emotional problems that makes it hard for them to enjoy sex with their partner who probably wouldn't have married them if they thought they weren't going to get any. Your article should have been titled "Emotional Cripples Beware." It's not the act of copulation, it's the lack of emotional problems that causes good health.

"you are also sexual beings, and that part of you should not be denied or minimized."

If someone is a "celibate" they have chosen not be a "sexual being". There is nothing wrong with that. Even though most people do, everyone is not desiring sexual activity or "a sexual being" - whatever that label means. Either don't be so presumptuous or be a bit more careful with your choice of words.

I forgot to add that the fact that someone chooses not to engage in something doesn't negate naturally-given instincts. We have drives/instincts to eat, sleep, drink, have sex, to cry, to laugh, etc. Again, choose what suits you. Take care. Thanks for writing!

OMG!!!!!!!! Someone tweeted this post to me and I am so glad I found you. I actually attended one of your lectures in Jacksonville maybe three years ago and OMG it was wonderful!!!!!! We laughed so much and learned at the same session. I hate that I missed the one you did for the teens at the church last fall but the people at my church said you freaked out the teens with the STD pictures. I think they were shocked to see that stuff but they needed to.

I am so glad to find this blog and you here. I know you helped me open my eyes to some things my hubby is still thanking you. It is so funny! I still have those poems you handed out and tried to write a few myself. LOL. I'm nearing menopause now though so you might need to motivate me again. LOL.. I will tell Ms. Nelson about your blog here. I hope you come back to FL this year, because I miised the teen lecture you gave. Menopause; bring information about menopause sex LOL LOL.

Where are you on sex outside of marriage? That is, by unmarried sexual partners? Okay or not? And how does this square with religious teachings? (It's not really a problem in Judaism -- adultery is, of course, but not sex between unmarried. In Christianity, more of an issue, no?)

Yea, my Jewish friends told me that sex outside of marriage is not a "sin" for them (lucky dogs!), but in the Christian faith, the Bible clearly speaks against it. [Did you hear that, Joel Osteen? I answered the question directly, no waffling.]

That said, 1) I admit this causes a struggle with one's own flesh and yes, God-given natural urges. Sometimes people win the battle, and others times...some just don't :-).

2) Or maybe we need to ask God..."Why give us these urges and we can't indulge? Are you serious? We can't do 'it'?" [I've asked Him that before years ago; He didn't answer. I think He said to read my Bible. As a former church lady, trust me, I know all the Scriptures that pertain to fornication, adultery, etc.] Also, the sex hormones begin to kick in during adolescence; for sure, we don't need rampant sex within that age group (as is already happening).

3) Many now say they "ask for forgiveness instead of permission."

4) Others say the biblical passages about sex were offered because in old testament days, everyone was sleeping with everyone. [Again, sexual urges are nothing new, they are inherent to all living creatures.] Also, in the Bible, heck...for all the sex the prophets, etc., folks still "made it in." If sex is going to keep people out of heaven, then who's going to be there?

Okay, enough of the levity; and are all those 'excuses' to indulge? Hmmm.

Sex for unmarried Christians does cause some concern, i.e., struggle with the flesh. Not everyone can abide, though many make the effort to abstain--and many do, for years or decades. This is something people of faith have to work out for themselves. It is not my place to encourage anyone to sin, as I wrote in my post. There is a beauty to entering marriage as a virgin, I'd think. But then...that one person may be the only lover you've ever know. Hmmm.

BUT...yes, if of age, those who are abstinent are, in turn, missing out on the benefits sex affords. Exercise may give a similar health effect, if not the same pleasure and release. :-)

Wow...this answer requires more time and space than I have right now. In fact, I'm preparing another post for tomorrow which might be entitled, "Is the Church changing the World, or the World changing the Church?" That one deals with sex (in part), but more with the scandals--Eddie Long, etc; and the modern worship styles, etc., as many stand in search of "sacred worship."

Sex is always a lively discussion with friends over dinner, so maybe take it up with your friends, as well.