Now taking the field — Your 2012 A’s!

Apologies to the San Diego columnist who once wrote something comparable.

Now taking Cisco Field for the first time, it’s YOUR 2012 Silicon Valley Athletics of Fremont! (P.A. plays “Cisco Kid” while fans in cheaper seats chant “LET’S GO OAKLAND.”)

P — Sesame Street. The youngest brother of the current Yankee closer got to the majors even faster than Huston did, pitching for the A’s only six days after leading Texas to the NCAA baseball title. The extra day’s rest was so he could sleep off his celebratory hangover.

C — Mason Jarr. The tough-guy catcher endeared himself to batting coach Jason Kendall when, with the bases loaded against the Angels, he taped a shooting-range target to his chest, opened his stance and dared Jered Weaver to hit it. Unfortunately for Mason, the Angel ace’s fastball struck somewhat further south.

LF — Vorp Van der Groot. The eagle-eyed A’s spotted the 1.814 OPS Vorp put up with a South African club team. ESPN analyst Eric Byrnes criticized the signing, saying “Dude, that league is so weak they have, like, springboks playing center field.”

CF — Tyrone Shoelaces Jr. The son of the legendary hoops lover used his incredible speed to post the highest range factor of any outfielder ever. However, in keeping with the A’s teachings he only stole six bases last year.

RF — Earl “Meltdown” Mackey. Most teams wouldn’t take a chance on the slugger after he was suspended for a full season for going in the stands and punching Commissioner Sandy Alderson in the 2010 LCS. However, the A’s bought his excuse that he’d only seen the guy on TV and thought it was the Red Sox idiot owner.

1B — Taxco Tenochitlan. GM David Forst (who took over when Billy Beane succeeded Alderson in San Diego) nicknamed Taxco “the Aztec god of patience” after he led the Mexican League with 9.22 pitches seen per plate appearance. As a rookie with the A’s last year, he hit 14 fouls in one interleague at-bat, prompting Giants starter Barry Zito to plunk him with a 79-mph fastball.

2B — Bryce “Claw” Clawitter. Asked to come up with a solution after the A’s had 17 middle infielders break fingers in the last six years, Cisco/A’s joint technology director Paul De Podesta recommended the Claw, who has a prosthetic right arm and a superfast “slingshot” throw he hasn’t quite mastered yet. Warning signs have been placed in the stands back of first.

SS — Swoop Dogg. The former world Ghostriding champion from Oakland changed his name to resemble that of the rapper, knowing that the franchise of Jimmie Foxx and Lew Wolff couldn’t resist a canine name with a double consonant.