If you find a house containing a cool toy truck, remember: The truck may be going with the family that moves out.

On any house purchase, be sure to save the receipt in case anything goes wrong.

If you are a black family, try to move into an all-white neighborhood. Your arrival will drive property values down, saving your white neighbors a substantial amount in property taxes and making them your friends overnight.

When looking at a house your wife doesn't like, don't let the real-estate agent pressure you with "whipping" sounds.

Check the foundation of a house by playing AC/DC's "Shake Your Foundations" as loud as possible. If the house isn't rocked to the ground, it's a solid house.

Make sure the neighborhood has a good high school, one close enough to see with a telescope.

After becoming a homeowner, be prepared to see your political ideology swing violently to the right.

If you cannot afford the home of your dreams, perhaps you can afford the home of Barbie's dreams.