Archive for September, 2008

When my teddy guy turned up missing, I knew that I couldn’t waste any time. I needed professional help, so I hired Baby Holmes* to take care of business. Some things are just too risky to do yourself.

*This is a fictional name to protect the identity of this high-security, handsome, cool man. I also refrained from picturing his whole face for the same reason. Thank you for understanding.

Wow, Baby Holmes has no limits. He’s willing to face the most dangerous obstacles in order to bring justice to the common people. By the way, I also heard that he’s willing to do fun dares that defy belief like standing on tippy toes in high-rise sink baths. His courage knows no boundaries!

But, then she told me the secret. I guess strawberries help your muscles grow big. Well, that’s all she had to say. Before she could even finish reciting her pretty pleases with milk on top, I was all over it.

A baby-man needs a little alone time after such a great endeavor as eating several strawberries. Did I say several? Yes. I take muscle making very seriously.

Well, you can’t expect to come out spotless, right? I like to call these my solid food battle wounds.

In honor of Daddy’s return, me and Mommy decided to take him to the beach. The beach is a very sunny place. It’s important to put on lots of thick lotion and wear a hat. Mommy packed everything for us, so when it became hat time Daddy and I just reached in the bag and pulled one out. He ended up having to wear the one I picked because the blue one wasn’t fitting over all of his hair. I guess it pays to have bald baby hair.

Come on! Like you really thought we could go a whole day without Mommy squeezing in a luvey moment. She has no shame. She’ll hug me, squish me, and kiss my cheeks off right there on the middle of the beach for all to see.

There comes a point in every baby’s day when the pictures just have to stop. This is one of my non-verbal cues.

Daddy, I know you specifically asked if I could hold off on the new tricks until you get home. Well, I did get a little impatient with a couple things. But, this one I can totally explain. Mommy told me that you would have a lot of suitcases to carry when we pick you up. Right when she told me that, I made my mind up that I was going to learn how to stand on my own so that I can help you. What good are bulging biceps if your mommy has to carry you all day long?

I’m only 27 inches tall, so I figured I wouldn’t be able to see over the airport crowds very well. Don’t worry, when my piggies boost me up, I gain at least 2 inches. Daddy, look for the blondie hairs poking through the crowd because I might not be tall enough to show my whole face.

Meet Edwardo. He’s my new teddy guy friend. I guess you can say our friendship started right when we both needed it most. Edwardo: He’s a shaggy old teddy guy, locked up in Grandpa and Grandma’s drawer o’ fun. Lonely, I guess you could say. Me: I miss my daddy and my teeth are coming in against my and my daddy’s wishes. We have an understanding. I hug and love him, and in return I get to try out my teeth on his ear.

You’re probably thinking, “Whoa Mr. Abel, take it easy, will ya? He’s only a fragile teddy guy.” That’s where you’re mistaken. That’s also where little teddy guys across the decades have been hurt and misunderstood. He’s a toughy and I really don’t want to hear you say that again.

Note to self: Work on that fake smile. One must always be ready with a convincing fake smile when one’s mommy busts out the camera.

Fake smile scenario #2. Suppose someone asks you if you miss your daddy. If you aren’t in the mood to go into details or simply don’t have the time, simply put on a fake smile and say, “I’m fine.” Fine is a good word because if your friend is a really good listener, he’ll read between the lines and give you a big hug without asking any more questions. But at the same time, any eavesdroppers will have no idea, and you’re home free.