Archive for Albert the snail

It took the words of the greatest detective of all time to help me understand the nature of the climate conspiracy. As so often, the clues were obvious in hindsight.

To be more precise, it was Albert who first reminded me of the principle told to Dr Watson by Sherlock Holmes. Albert must have wheezed his way out of the garden and left one of his messages on the window pane of my office. Albert takes so long to write that he often uses a form of shorthand (or do I mean short leg). Even then he may slither away leaving an incomplete message. Like this one which read

“Sherlockthin…”

I’m getting a bit better at figuring out the messages. He had nearly finished, and he was telling me I had to think more like the great detective. Eventually I did. But before that I returned to the stories I had been reading that had been baffling me. This week, for example, global leaders prepare for a conference on climate change.

As I stared out of the window of my office, I began to see what Albert meant by his message. Just in time, too. The message was already disappearing as dawn broke over Woodford. Sherlock Holmes operated on the principle that by eliminating all things believed to be possible you could find the answer to a problem in the impossible.

It was impossible that reputable scientists would collude to make their results more convincing. Impossible. But then I remembered other cases in which greed and ambition had forced scientists on to the dark side. Yes, something was leading them into temptation of fixing their results. They were only pawns in a wider game, perhaps. The Governments of the world are wrestling with the problems of climate change. There could be powerful forces indeed encouraging, maybe forcing the scientists to take the actions they are taking.

Behind the scientists are the dark forces I had been coming across and documenting in these posts. They should make all of us wary of what we read and hear. But conspiracies always have a weakness. Like Albert, they leave a trail. However hard they strive in their covert plotting, the trail can be identified. The codes can be broken. I don’t know any more whether the scientists have found evidence that points to man-made climate change or points away from it. But I am sure that we all must be especially vigilant in believing what we are told.

YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN’T HIDE

You can run away
but you can’t hide
For every path you take
will leave a trail
which brings us closer
to the hidden grail
uncovered
at the turning of the tide

I have consistently refused to join Twitter, but with help from friends I can’t help noticing its remarkable and growing influence on everyday life.

Recently, Albert drew my attention to Twitter Haiku. I assume it was from Albert. I recognized the tell-tale smeary trail across the window pane. A smail of few words, Albert had set a terse question: “Twitter Haiku?”

Twitter Haiku? Why not, I wondered. Twitter seems an admirable medium for poets. Its favoured son Stephen Fry adores poetry. The one hundred and forty characters rule hints at a near-perfect burst of arrows. Fourteen lines with ten bits a line: the ancient stable for a sonnet. Why not write Haiku and post them to Twitter?

To submit haikus, commuters have to place the prefix @kingsplace so their entries will be picked up by the Kings Place Twitter account. The best contributions are then moderated and appear within minutes on the largest digital billboard at the station. The initiative has been launched by Kings Place, a cultural and conference centre, situated in Kings Cross.

I am that Reluctant Twitterer, although I have no way of convincing anyone of the truth of that statement. Let’s just say that you can assume that this post has been written by the person responsible for the other contributions to this blog.

There are several recurring themes to be found in earlier posts. Many verses refer to current news stories about Twitter. I have said that I do not have a Twitter name, and I do not tweet directly through Twitter the social media site.

Why should someone so interested in Twitter avoid tweeting directly? Wouldn’t that be the best way to tell other people whatever it is you want to say? Maybe. Maybe I will be persuaded to sign-up on Twitter as a result of what happens in the future.

I have chosen what is obviously a less direct approach. Why? Why should someone be so reluctant? I have decided to leave that question for others to work out. In which case, there are deeper meanings to be discovered, and which are concealed in the posts because of my deeper concerns. The verses, the tags, the images, the themes all may have to be studied to arrive at the deeper message. This would explain the strange and apparently unconnected aspects to be found in the posts.

In one, an appeal was made for a detective to help solve an unspcified problem. Following the appeal, posts appeared about detectives, often connected for some reason to children’s nursery rhymes. Indeed, some of the detectives take on the forms of intelligent creatures such as Albert the Snail, and The Little Pink Ant.

Maybe I have no such deep secret which needs to be told. Maybe this is all a game. Or maybe this is a tale told by a twitterer, full of sound and fury but signifying not a lot. You have to decide for yourself if you want to get involved in the mysterious case of the Reluctant Twitterer.

The Reluctant Twitterer is being propelled to stardom in a new film out of Hollyhock Universal Studios

Hollyhock Movies are famous for their Little Wild Life series of documentaries. Who can fail to have been moved by their first film, Stag Beatle Boll? Other blockbusters followed, such as Stick Insect Blues, and their recent success, Sheba the Amoeba.

Hollyhock Movies this week announced plans to break into the big-time with a romantic drama with an entirely new cast of characters. Director Laszlo Hilfinger is looking for someone to play the role of Little Pink Ant in the new movie, which has been provisionally named The Reluctant Twitterer.

Hilfinger says he got the basic idea from a poem in The Reluctant Twitterer blog about the little pink ant character, and a snail called Albert, who are both expected to appear in the movie.

Hollyhock Movies would like to hear from anyone interested in becoming a script twitter for their new venture. Send your application to this blog as an idea (in no more than 140 characters), suggesting a story-line for The Reluctant Twitterer movie.