Friday, January 18, 2008

My REJECTION book.

"The best thing to do is acknowledge your battle scars, wear them proudly, as a sort of armor- this is a deep wound, BUT, it's going to heal and I will remember this wound, when I go back into the fray, it will serve me well."

I've started scrapbooking.

Nope- I'm lying. I have made, A scrapbook. And by no means is it the conventional scrapbook with construction paper, and pictures of me on the beach surrounded by palmtree stickers and sparkly embossed margarita pitchers.

This scrapbook is approproately titled- REJECTION.

I know that sounds like a cute lie, or something a wildly neurotic Parker Posey character would do, but I'm dead serious.

One evening, when I was feeling particularly frenzied, the idea hit me- almost as hard as every single - "NO" I've received within the last eight years.

I was remebering all of the things I've prepared for, all of the auditions, interviews, letters sent, waiting rooms that have felt the palpitation of my heart... I could feel the nerves I felt, and the fabric of the outfit I picked so maticulously, because it had to be "perfect." I had to be prepared.

The dollar amounts of lessons, glossy photographs, and "the right shoes" started rolling in my head hitting a disgusting high of triple digits.

"So what have you been doiiiing, "out there?".... I get this ALL THE TIME. From everyone that I see, when I return from whatever city I've attempted dominating.

So, instead of explaining to people why I'm still in the process....I decided to make my process tangible. Tangible for people to flip through, for their oo's and ah's, for proof, but MOSTLY, for me. I may not be where I want to be, BUT I am DAMN proud of what I've done in order to help me "get there" and where's the fun if you cannot enjoy the progression of your own evolution?

I have been rejected by 14 different Broadway plays- some, I've auditioned for more than once.

Rent said, "Wait, Mimi isn't white." after they called me to audition for Mimi- and I am white.

I have been rejected by 6 different back-up singing jobs- Ashlee Simpson's people said, "You sing it better than she does." but opted to choose a blonde girl. At the time we, "looked too much alike." Macy Gray- didn't want a white girl and my audition for Will.I.Am from Blackeyed Peas- is an entirely seperate blog that makes me cringe just thinking about it. Lets just say, I tripped. Hard. Like, on my face.

I have been rejected by 15+ reality shows/tv shows-

*I've had four seperate VJ auditions

* four phases of Real World auditions (after the VJ thing, they recognized I'm enough of a "crazy" to be on The Real World)

*2 auditions for Making The Band- both of which I was called to attend from references. -both of which I'm GLAD I didn't make.

*2 auditions for American Idol- and just so you KNOW, there are 3 auditions BEFORE you see the judges- both times, Simon said, "You are good. very good. Just....what's unique about you...."

That's not damaging to the spirit. They told me to, "Work on my story."

* Remember the "Pussycat Doll" show- well, yeah, I auditioned for that- cause who doesn't want to be in that "Buttons" video, all trampy and dancing in flames.

I knew the director and a doll, she knew I was coming, so I said,"Hey, fuck it." I got so far in the audition process, they made me quit my job, pack enough clothing for 3 months, then after no sleep, no food and being treated like a prisoner, I was cut at 3am and asked to find a ride from a vacant parking lot near the airport.

3 months later, the executives called and begged me to do "Season 2"....I thankfully declined.

There never was a "season 2."

*Remember the show "The One" on ABC.....no? Oh yeah, cause it was cancelled after a week. There were 10 people chosen, I was number 12.

I'll leave it to your imagination to fill in the rest of the rejections.

I have rejection letters from over 200+ agencies, jobs, and so on.

Lets just say, the book is a thick one.

My best friend told me to burn it and start fresh.

I could never.

This book is me, these things have made me so much stronger- so much more secure and proud of my talent and who I am. I want to strap the book to my back, I want to stand on it and use it as my platform of strength, I want to frame it in a shadow box, I want to write a letter of gratitude to everyone who's denied me. I am not embarrassed, I am honored. Proud that I have not given up, nor do I intend to. Proud that I've kept trying, proud for coming close, proud for being WILLING to share and use the gifts that I've been put on this planet to utilize.

I love that you really live your life and pursue your dreams. Most of us can't bare the thought of losing security to run after their dream. I congratulate you and your Rejection book. On the day you feel like you made it, you'll look back and be grateful at how far you came.

I would not be happy at all if someone told me i looked too much like ashlee simpson - was it before all her plastic surgery too? I hate that girl. I too have went through lots of rejection - for jobs, with men (although I don't have physical proof of that one) and for my writing. I don't know why we even try half the time.

Keep that book, for all the reasons you said. And just think, you've gotten further than I have because you had the balls to try and go further. I let obstacles derail me too much and it is something I am pushing through now, people like you remind me it can be done and even if it doesn't work it makes us better!

Plus, you made it farther than so many other people that tried out. Obviously, those weren't the right things for you at the time. The perfect opportunity will come up and you will be so set for it. It will all fall into place.

PS. I'm pretty sure there is a new Pussycat Doll show coming out soon. I'm guessing season 2?

chelsea - i am in aw. currently, i'm more in the law/humanities route because, well, i spent too much of my 24 years being guiltripped by my parents and there is a part of my heart that does want to solve injustice! and exonerate the innocent! and increase women's rights! superhero me, whaaa.

but my real passion is what you are living. it's song, it's dance, it's acting. have you watched sister act 2? well i was obsessed with lauryn hill, holding my playskool microphone up against the tv speakers to record her; and there's a line that whoopie goldberg tells her - "If you wake up in the morning, and you can't think anything but singing, then you should be a singer, girl." that became an inner mantra for me. and i love that you DO this. you are so brave. you are SO fierce. you are ... quickly becoming my hero. we'll pretend that's not even remotely creepy, agreed?

in my application for one of the "prestigious colleges" i applied to, it asked for a small blurb about what i would do for one year if i could do any occupation. my answer was mimi on rent. (i hear she's not asian either? haha) i know me wanting this with my entire heart is hardly the same as you, who live it. like i said, i am in aw. i can't believe you were so close to making all of these shows i followed/follow religiously!

you are so kickass.

ok. ok. really. i'm stop with the fawning. well for now. and why i chose to not just email you, i don't know.

Kate-you're a doll, and damn, I should make a man rejection book too....woooo thats an entire book of BLAH

Katelin-Thank you ;)

Vanessa-Thank you! thats a pretty cool thing to be a "poster child" for :) ::GRINNING EAR TO EAR::

Dolce-I think I will too...I'll look back and be proud. I LIVE that way cause its the only way I know how.

Princess Polly- Yeah, I was mildy offened, though I do get Jessica Alba quite a bit too.

Angela- I've never thought that way, call be arrogant, but I know that isn't true.

oenological-Indeed, I cannot wait to pass it down.

Alexis- GOOD! I'm glad I could remind you, truthfully, you MUST do what your heart tells you, it's the only way. Whether fear is in the way or not.

Isass- "Things I've tried" good idea.

Rebecca- Thanks! Damn, I should get "gutsy" tattoed on my chest. lol.

Wondy Woman- you're awesome, thank you so much. And, by the way, I have pajamas with cats on them. SO, I'm IN cats pajamas.

ablogofherown- GOOD, do it, and place it on your mantle, or anywhere that people can see it.

Maxie- I'm sure that's not true, theyre just unconventional :)

Jamie Lovely- There's going to be a season 2?! WHA HAH HAH. Interesting....can't wait to see it.

Damsel- what you're doing is incredible, you're obviously an incredibly smart woman. The truth is, for me, I had never even IMAGINED doing somethign else- until recently, since there's the pressure of being "an adult" and being able to walk on shakey ground and be entirely unstable in pursuit of my dreams, isn't "socially acceptable" and often, makes me feel like I HAVE FAILED. But, I have continue, because it's ALL that I've known to do.Luckily, I had parents who supported it, because they believed it was my mission. AND YES Sister Act is a seriously inspiring movie ;)YOU ARE AWESOME and thank you for the fawning, though I'm not sure I deserve it, I do appreciate it :)

Yeah, you don't really need much pumping up, after all everyone else has said and your positive attitude to start with. But jeez, can't help but agree that this is an awesome idea.

One of the best rejections I ever got was in a job interview as a copy editor for a company that produced newsletters. The owner- a former arts writer for Rolling Stone and The Village Voice looked over my samples and said "You know what, you won't be happy here. You're better than this."

You have courage.Which means you believe in yourself, and your gift is strong.I would have cried and quit the first time.So you go girl and trust what you know is true.Thanks for passing by my blog, I am glad to have followed you back to your space,I applaud you, for your honest sharing and courage to follow your dream!

Some of those rejections I would be proud of getting. I think years from now you will be thankful that you didn't end up doing some of those things. But please promise you will never audition for "Rock of Love" or "Flavor of Love" that would be hitting bottom.

However if you do ever make it to the point where you have conversation with the judges for American Idol, Simon is really nice. He is also a flirt. You could always see if you could bribe him with a pack or carton of smokes.

that was a great post. it takes a lot to realize that the rejections (or in my case mistakes) have made you who you are today. stronger. braver. fantastic. so congrats :)

it took me a long time to get to where i'm at. so i'm happy for you :)

keep pluggin' away!

((on a side note: just read your 'about me'. i too should have been born in the 60's. well - perhaps born in the 40's so i could have enjoyed the 60's :) i even chose my first university from a csny song. bonus points if you can know which one!!)

Everyone has been rejected so many more times than accepted, and the fact is that being good enough to be a contender is often just as important as making it at all. And I think auditions are fun either way. Though I've never had to quit my job for one. Geez.

Mimi is my dream job. Except that I'm a bad singer and also white. Damn.

if this was an exercise in making yourself sad about every "almost", i would agree with your best friend. but since you are drawing strength from this, i say go ahead. if it makes you stronger, it makes you stronger, and how amazing are you that you can grow from any rejection.

you obviously are a cool chick because you can take lemons and turn it into a lemon mojito that makes for an awesome post. keep it up!! and that rejection book will be a fun little blurb one of the comedians mentions on "Best Week Ever" when they start talking about you after your hard work pays off and all people talk about is Chelsea Chelsea Chelsea!!

I think it is wonderful that it makes you stronger and you are so driven and passionate. People like you who dont give up will get there and have their big break.I really hope you get it soon, il be supporting you!

I quit my job as a police officer and left the state to move to Nashville, TN to become a famous songwriter. The reason I did this was because someone already famous told me they would help me out if I moved down there. I am currently back in NY, without my fantastic former cop salary, barely hanging on to my mortgage, but I have to say - even with all the rejections I experienced in Nashville, my life is so much richer and better than it would have been without that adventure.

I don't regret it at all, and I applaud your rejection scrapbook idea. Everything that happens to us makes us who we are, and our mistakes often teach us more than our successes.

i love this idea because you know, what doesn't break you can only make you stronger. keep pressin' forward and when the time is right and it's for you, it'll happen. and besides, this book will make for great interview material once you become that great big, bright star that you dream of being. :) some people only sit back and wish they be something, but you're out there trying your hardest to make it happen. and it will. just give it some time. this was a great post...

My husband won't do anything if he doesn't already know that he will succeed. That makes it pretty hard to be a photographer. I keep encouraging him, and your post helps keep me encouraged to keep encouraging him. You're awesome girl. Keep at it.

Definitely keep it!! When you get where you want to be, just imagine looking back on all that you have experienced and triumphed over. I am totally impressed that you have been an active participant in making your dream a reality. It shows so much strength and persistence that most people wouldn't have lasted through. I wish you lots of luck and admire your accomplishments, because they are accomplishments! My favorite quote: Workers achieve what Dreamers believe.

You are FREAKING awesome!!! I have to tell you, I tried out for AI (the first season) and they told me I had a great blue voice but they were looking for a pop star. I quit for 6 yrs and then (with my hubs persistance) tried again this year. I didn't get past the first round. I admire your strength and willpower! Amen girl. You keep that book and frame it if you want!!!

Even though you have a bajillion comments right now, I have to add one more.

You are so amazing. You AND all your stories of "rejection". You're truly a gem, being able to realize how all your experiences have really been the thread that holds you together. It's all part of your story - a brilliant one.

You don't have to be in Rent to be amazing to me. Dude, Heath Ledger ran his hands through your hair. I would have punched a baby to experience THAT.

(You think I am kidding about the baby punching thing. I assure you, I am not.)

I used to throw out all my writing rejection slips. The form rejection slips. I'd put them in the trash and cuss and get all mad. Now I keep them. They're in a big old fat drawer. I don't know what I'll do with them. Maybe I'll go crazy and wallpaper a room with them.

I love this, it's an excellent idea especially since you sound like a strong and driven person. When you do make it and your are a household name for whatever it is you do, you can pull that out and shove it in the face of any young man or woman who gets down over one silly rejection. On the road to success there is tons of failure (or something like that, by I don't know who). Good for you for keeping it. You live and you learn and you are working damn hard at getting where you want! Most people turn away after that much "rejection" but in reality, it's a pretty tough business. You will get your break!

I don't read your blog (but maybe I should start). Anyhow my opinion is virtually powerless amongst all the arrays of advice given above me, but here are two great quotes, which I think you will find comforting or encouraging to say the least.

[T]he tragedy of life doesn't lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach. It isn't a calamity to die with dreams unfulfilled, but it is a calamity not to dream...It is not a disgrace not to reach the stars, but it is a disgrace to have no stars to reach for. Not failure, but low aim is sin.— Benjamin Elijah Mays

"I never failed once. It just happened to be a 2000-step process."— Thomas Edison, American inventor (1847-1931), responding to a reporter who asked how it felt to fail 2000 times before successfully inventing the light bulb.

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