App of the Week: iFinger Wraps Horrible Name in Christmas Sadness

There are some pretty pointless apps out there. CatPaint springs to mind even though it is an absolutely stupid amount of fun. But when apps claim to do something and do it poorly, it goes beyond dumb and enters the realm of the annoying. Enter iFinger.

In what has got to be the worst and yet easily singable app name in history (I....FINGAAHHHH!), iFinger is designed to assist users in measuring wrapping paper. Yes, I'm sure lots of you are out there snickering at your computers. Cut it out, pervs. The idea is useful, not porn-y, but the app is not.

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Essentially, this is a glorified calculator with a really creepy if perfectly manicured finger for an icon. Enter the three dimensions of your package and, voilà, it magically tells you how much paper to cut. You could always just drag some paper off the roll next to your box and then trim the excess, but that would be easy. No word on if, like in Elf, it helps you form six-inch ribbon curls -- "But, that's impossible..." "SIX INCHES!"

As Anthony Michael Hall said of his ex-girlfriend's poor behavior in Weird Science, "Here da cappa!" the measurements are in centimeters. That's right, it's the damn metric system taking a giant reindeer crap all over your glorious American holiday.

So, to sum up, the name sounds like a porn movie version of the Bond film Goldfinger. The icon is like Thing from The Addams Family minus the thumb, pinky, ring and middle fingers...oh, and the hand part. The measurements are in Canadian and you can basically do the same thing with some math on your calculator if you get algebra, which I don't and, thanks to a sworn promise to a bitchy tenth-grade teacher who guaranteed I would use algebra in my life, requires I never use it out of spite.

For me, I'll do it the old-fashioned way...I'll buy a gift bag.

Jeff Balke is a writer, editor, photographer, tech expert and native Houstonian. He has written for a wide range of publications and co-authored the official 50th anniversary book for the Houston Rockets.

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