Completely. Fucking. Ironic

Movies & Shit

I know I haven’t posted in a while, so I thought I’d write about my feelings on Disney films, because somtimes I actually do want to write about stuff I like..

Oh snap, what a meta inside blog reference.

The internet ruined my ability to see these movies through innocent eyes anymore. Not with the endless amount of conspiracy theories about Mickey and satanic references, the hate against the portrayal of women, Walt’s past in general, and the dreaded rule 34 of the internet…

When I was a child though, I didn’t even see shit like that, and I consider myself a fairly perseptive child.

But as a child I was mesmerised by the music.

Especially the Disney films I grew up with, in the 90s, when I was 4 and Disney brought me childlike wonder and joy even in my already darkening soul.

So I’ll always appreciate Disney for that.

Sometimes it’s just calming as shit to stop adulting for one second, stop the cynical basterdry of your mind that comes from getting older, and experience the amazing beats of the 90s Disney.

WARNING – SPOILERS, THIS MOVIE IS AMAZING, EVEN IF YOU DONT CARE ABOUT SPOILERS START CARING, PLEASE DON’T READ THIS POST AND GO WATCH THE MOVIE!

So Deadpool is finally out on dvd and blue ray so we could finally download it (I know bad Kim for being a pirate). Holy shit. Fuck me swinging. This movie is amazing, this is the single most enjoyable Marvel movie I’ve ever seen because, let’s be honest, comic book movies are poop, they’re franchises, they’ve lost direction of why these comics should’ve been turned into movies. Then came this movie, this particular character that they pulled out of the X-Men universe. I don’t like super hero or marvel/dc movies as a rule, but Deadpool, oh my fucking God, there’s just so much to say about it, it has a brilliant story line with character development and humour. Man, this movie…

Where do I even start with this film? There wasn’t a second of it that I wasn’t paying attention, and that’s when you know a movie is fucking perfect, if I don’t get bored in the hour and a half time frame of a movie which happens most of the time. Even though the humour was a bit rude and crass, it was easier to see the real characters underneath, and the humour in it didn’t do any to detract from the characters themselves. The whole, starting the movie at the middle then going back to explain what happened to him, was done really well. The gore was done really well, especially the random splat of a guy hitting a billboard at full speed. Clearly most who have written about Deadpool have not watched nearly as many horror films as I have because I felt there wasn’t that much gore, but action gore always feels different to horror gore, but this film delivers in bringing you violence from all situations.

I guess I’ll explain the backstory, the reason why the character Deadpool is so epically awesome;

So Ryan Reynolds character is a mercenary, he basically just does jobs for money, almost hit man style. He’s always hanging out in a rough bar where he gets his jobs, and every week/month they have some sort of bet about who would die, the bartender called that the Deadpool. He meets a girl at the bar that he falls in love with and that’s cool because they’re both really suited. But then Ryan Reynolds discovers he has cancer. He ends up getting an offer in the bar saying that they can completely cure his cancer and make him into a superhero. So he decides to just leave his partner, even though she wants to stick by him and help him through treatment he didn’t want her to remember him like that, so he takes the shifty guys card and takes up the deal. Only, they aren’t curing people, they’re turning them into super soldiers to control the masses who decide to rebel. To turn people into this they select people with natural abilities, submit them to extreme torture in hopes it’ll bring out the mutant gene and a new ability (everyone in the x men is a mutant and every mutant has a different ability). They torture him for months with his character refuses to be broken and still keeps the humour flowing. What turned him into Deadpool though was when the stuck him in an oxygen deprivation chamber for a whole weekend, where he was given only the tiniest amount of oxygen just to keep you on the brink of life or death. He gains the ability to heal and repair himself but the downside of this is that he knows looks all charred and burnt like Freddy Krueger, so he escapes, makes himself a suit and starts going on a rampage of killing all the people that did that to him, and now you’re back at the start of the movie where he was in the middle of killing someone.

As Deadpool himself says firstly, this is a love movie, then contradicts himself later saying this isn’t a love film it’s a horror film. Because the torture scenes are not that different from a torture horror film. And the thing is, even with the amass of gore and stupid jokes being flung your way it’s hard to see the actual seriousness behind it. Ryan Reynolds was amazing at Deadpool himself, the character was sweet, the story line was sweet and sad, take away everything else about the character and his story could be a tragedy. But that was what made Deadpool awesome, that’s what made his relationship with the girl awesome, because they joked about their horrible pasts like it was nothing, there characters were so incredibly deep but hidden behind a thick curtain of humour, and humour itself is used as a defence mechanism even in the face of severe physical and mental pain.

This movie was nothing short of transformative on so many levels, from the script to the soundtrack to the whole storyline! Nothing in it was boring, pretentious or similar to any of the other Marvel comic book movies. I didn’t think Hollywood had it in them to do something like this. Even down to starting credits where they used Screen Junkies Honest Trailer credits in naming the cast, fucking hilarious.

There are so many deep messages in this film, so many things they did right. Like the way they viewed females in this film, it covered all the ways, for example, the main three female characters are deadpools gf, Ajax side kick angry chick and Negosonic Teenage Warhead (oh god the jokes about her). Deadpools gf is the damsel in distress, Ajax is the horrible guy that tortures Deadpool and as his sidekick, she was an incredibly strong, evil character, Deadpool broke all of his limbs trying to kick Colossus who is made out of metal, and this chick could hurl Colossus 50 metres with just one punch. And then there was Negosonic Teenage Warhead, she didn’t say much as she’s a broody teenage girl with a whole script of one liners. She can also turn herself into a ball of fire, how fucking cool is that?

The way they dealt with feminist issues in movies deserves to be applauded. The first instance of this is when Ryan Reynolds first meets the girl he loves in the pub, and she just wants sex because she’s a prostitute at the start maybe (it sure seems that way because he buys 2 hours of her time) but instead he takes her to go play games at the arcade. They end up together and everything about their relationship is so loving and sweet, it really rips your heart out when they’re sitting in the doctors office getting told that he has stage 4 cancer of some badness. There’s also another instance where Collossus is fighting the really strong bad chick and her boob ends up falling out of her top. Because Collossus is a good person and huge hulking metal man, it’s so incredibly sweet to hear him apologise to her and look away all embarrassed, obviously she uses this to her advantage in the fight against Collossus.

Man, there are just so many things I want to keep writing about but unfortunately I have a life outside the Internet, and I didn’t get my normal blog writing time this morning.

So do yourselves all a favour and go see the film, I guarantee you you won’t regret it. Seriously

Oh and I just have to post this because opening credits, it’s my mums favourite song and also one I hold close too.

Yes, this post is mainly inspired by the new Ghostbusters reboot. Even saying that sentence sounds gross.

But it’s not just Ghostbusters that gets a reboot these days, heaps of movies have been rebooted all the way up to the late 90s, or earlier (can’t remember when the reboot of Alfred Hitchcocks Psycho happened, if you haven’t seem that then just don’t, Vince Vaughn as Norman Bates, don’t think I need to add any more to that), and it’s only grown as a trend since then.

Originality? None here, chop. (Watch the movie Chopper)

I cannot honestly think of one rebooted movie that was better then the original, not that any fan would ever give it chance. But can you blame them? Rebooting a movie cheapens the experience of the old one, and it’s nothing more then a way to squeeze out all the cash that they can out of a franchise that’s already popular. That’s totally weak man. Hollywood directors get paid a fuck tonne, obviously originality doesn’t pay the same way as it used to.

The new ghostbusters trailer though, almost blew up YouTube for a day. That video has almost triple the amount of dislikes then it does to likes, so it’s safe to say that the people fucking HATE this idea. And I can’t blame them for that. You can’t just all of a sudden take away every character that made the movie what it was and replace it with a bunch of female characters. It’s so fucking dumb, if that was their way of trying to show some sort of female empowerment then it completely backfired because now people hate the movie because of the all female cast, not because they ripped out the guts of a major motion picture and stuffed it full of gross and is just a shit movie regardless.

Hollywood officially backtracked the feminist movement by 10 years. You can’t just expect to be able to completely change something someone loves and expect people to accept it. If you wanted to have females in the cast then that’s fine, but there are so many ways they could’ve incorporated the idea better. Such as, I don’t know, a team of both genders working side by side equally as a team. Because by having an all female cast, just like an all male one implies that that specific gender is superior, hence the lack of opposite gender. The message of feminism isn’t to gain power over men, it’s to be equal, this reboot does a great job at shitting all over that principle and making more negative attention towards feminism.

Theres a new sub genre of horror that has always been floating around, but it really took off in the last 15 years, French Extremist films. Yes, it is exactly what it sounds like, really disturbing, gory, brilliant, unique films made by the French. Pretty well everyone that isn’t Hollywood knows how to make a good, original movie. Some of my favourites included Inside, Martyrs, In My Skin and High Tension. I was disappointed to find out that America had rebooted Martyrs because obviously reading subtitles is hard, and the French make superior horror films over Hollywood.

(This is the French original cover, if you love fucked up movies I highly recommend this one, it has everything you want in a film, very interesting concept)

But Martyrs isn’t the only horror film that has been rebooted, there were others that shouldn’t of been touched but did anyway; Halloween (fuck you Rob Zombie), The Ring, The Grudge, I Spit On Your Grave, Evil Dead, Shutter, Carrie, Funny Games, Psycho, these are only the ones I thought of up the top of my head, if I went on google I could give you the complete list of rebooted horror films, but that would probably need a whole post in itself to get through the giant list…

The one that pisses me off the most on that top of my head list has got to be Evil Dead. Why????????????? I fucking love the original so much, it was the first horror movie I ever saw at 9 and I fucking shat my dacks! It was scary as fuck back then, and when I grew up I realised it was hilarious and my fan girling of Bruce Campbell increased. Why Sam Raimi, why did you have to give the script to some teen scares director wanker? Why did you have to be such a fucking sell out Sam Raimi, I fucking looked up to you as a director! Such a brilliant, funny, b grade classic that should’ve remained a fucking classic, and because you were such a fucking sellout Sam, they shat all over the memory of it by turning it into a cheap, unoriginal fucking stupid teenagers getting dead stupid… Stupid. It’s stupid, fuck…

Like seriously what the fuck is this even?! They couldn’t even make the most memorable deadite that heads off one of the most memorable scenes of the movie into something that even looked a bit fucking good and not like every other fucking zombie/demon fucker that Hollywood makes?!!??! RaaaAaaage.

I don’t even think I need to say much about the overwhelming amount of Marvel and DC comic book movies that are being brought out of the super heroes closet and rebooted. The one that pisses me of out of all of them though is Spider-Man. We’ve had; Spider-Man, Spider-Man 2, Spider-Man 3 and I was totally cool with those films, they had plots, they were going in some kind of order, so isn’t the next logical step to make a forth and just continue the franchise? No, clearly I’m just another stupid minority who will get excited over the same rebooted movie, except it’s called ‘The Amazing Spider-Man’ so that must mean it’s completely different….

Fuck you Hollywood, it’s never been about making movies, it’s about making money. And this is why I mainly watch indie and overseas films, because it’s original, because you don’t need explosions and bullshit to make a movie better and the main reason, because indie film makers are making films for the love of it, for art, not for money. And for me the quality and artistic talent of these indie filmmakers really shines through, and I remember the comparison every time I sit down and watch a Hollywood blockbuster. No originality, no passion, no artistic talent, just mind numbing special effects that cheat the viewer into thinking they are watching something substantial when it’s really just as bland, boring and unoriginal as the rest of the films Hollywood produces. Especially. Fucking. Reboots!

Now let me just add something serious here, I haven’t seen Deadpool yet, but I want to see it. Why? Because it sounds like a really well done film. I’m not saying that Hollywood hasn’t produced any film with substance, I’m saying Hollywood has not produced any reboot or sequel with substance. Deadpool, from what I’ve heard sounds like a fairly original film, with thought and research spent looking into the original character and trying to tribute it as much as possible. That’s cool, I have no issues with that. But once it has a sequel, it’ll go from being a really cool film, to a money milking cow that lost its heart.

There are a lot of reboots I haven’t seen due to wanting to keep my memory of the original film intact. So that may make me seem like a bit of a bitch to be so harshly critical without seeing the film. It’s about the principle for me. When it comes to music, DJs remix existing songs all the time and people are always doing covers and there’s no issue with that, but when an artist who is earning lots for being a pop star blatantly steals the beat of a pre existing song only to put their bullshit over the beat, without any credit to the original artist, then fuck you, you’re an arsehole, eg Anaconda by Nicki Minaj which is a blatant rip of Baby Got Back (you know, I like big butts and I cannot lie?).

What Hollywood does isn’t much better. They reboot older stuff so that they grab the attention of the people that grew up with the original, and also the younger people who may not even know that it’s a rebooted movie. And so, just like your memories of old songs (which most tend to get confused between who the original artist was), the original film will be forever replaced by the newer, prettier memories of the reboot. And that’s a travesty in my eyes, the original artist who produced the amazing idea, forgotten and replaced by a soulless, empty reboot.

If you wanted an example of a famous song that is a cover, but everyone remembers as the original. Respect by Aretha Franklin was originally written and performed by Otis Redding in 1965, but in 1967 Aretha Franklin not only covered it, but tweaked it slightly to come from more of a strong female perspective, whereas the original was about a man being devoted to their wife and bringing home the bacon and only wanting a bit of ‘respect’ from his wife when he gets home from work. Aretha Franklin won awards for this song as well as it being her most famous number one hit. It also goes down in history as one of the best female RnB songs of the time. But fuck you Otis Redding, you were only the person who invented the song to begin with…

They rebooted the muppets too. I know I should be angry at this, but the humour is kind of funny. At least they built on the already existing characters and tried to do something new with it. They didn’t just replace all the muppets with new muppets and called it the muppets.

Because rebooting the Ghostbusters and replacing every character that made the movie memorable with a bunch of randoms and still having the nerve to call it Ghostbusters, is kind of like replacing Kermit the Frog with Kevin the Cat.

It’s fucking dumb. We are not fucking idiots Hollywood!

Please always support the original artist, they were they ones who had the talent to come up with a brilliant idea in the first place.

I’ve always liked discussing movies. Part of me really wants to be a reviewer, but then I realised that I’d probably get a lot of hate for my opinions. Why? Because I don’t like Hollywood blockbusters, I think they’re pretentious, bland and all the same. But my movie taste is so obscure, my humour too weird and at times gross so, mainstream reviewing is out of the question. So this is going to be my new theme series (it won’t be every post either) now it’s just my followers that get to see me attempt to write about obscure movies I’ve never seen anyone write about.

Zombie Ass: Toilet Of The Dead

Yeah, it’s a real movie, a shit movie, so much pun intended right there.

My oldest brother (who heavily influenced my taste in music and movies) saw this film at a Horrorfest which is a movie festival in Australia where they just show upcoming indie horrors, international horrors with also a few classics added in there.

My oldest brother is strange, very intelligent, but weird. Not in a creepy way, but more of an endearing one. Zombie Ass pretty well had everything that he likes in a film; zombies, gore, parasite ass worms, fart jokes, toilet jokes, ass jokes and just over the topness.

(These subtitles are also very real too, these are real lines in the film)

These types of Japanese horror films, unlike their popular counterpart ‘Ringu (The Ring)’ or ‘Ju-on (The Grudge)’ these films only have a minority of the fan base of horror. Everything about this movie is so highly offensive in an ‘ewww gross’ kind of way. It took about 2 years after my brother saw it at Horrorfest to finally even download just the Japanese version, then my brother managed to get a copy of the script, put it all through google translate to use as subtitles. This was how I watched it, with very, very broken subtitles, making this movie even more confusing and hard to follow. In about 2013 I randomly walked into an alternative movie store in the city and lo and behold, in their horror section it was there, 2 copies of it. I rang my brother who conveniently lives in the city, and he came down and bought a copy, then bought me the other copy, because obviously I was/still am the bestest sister ever for finding it.

The cover of this film is pretty misleading. The title is Zombie Ass where in all reality, the zombies that are in it are not really in scenes for long, and the movie itself is not really about the zombies at all. I guess the toilet of the dead refers to a particular scene where mean model chick is going to the toilet in a random village, and a zombie comes out of the toilet to grab her (the way the shot it is a bit fetishy too). But otherwise, the storyline doesn’t centre so much around zombies, toilets or shit, even though there’s quite a lot of it in it.

So what the fuck could this movie be about then if it’s not about shit or zombies? Well, I’ll try explain this silly plot.

So at the start of the film, there are two different stories happening between the characters. First scene is you witnessing a child being injected by the thick needle to the butt by a scientist which is also her father. He then grabs a zombie and beats it in the stomach till it vomits up a giant white parasite. He then proceeds to make the child eat it, saying that she needs it to get better and other things like that.

Next scene introduces you to the main characters story. So the main girl Megumi (who for some reason even decides to go camping with her friend and others still wears a school uniform throughout the whole film), got convinced to come camping with her close friend (?) Aya and boyfriend Take and other girl friend Maki and other guy friend Naoi to go camping. The purpose of the camping is so Maki, who is a model, can find a tape worm. The reason she wants one is that she believes that if she eats it it will keep her slim and vibrant.

In the first scene of being introduced to Megami, we get thrown into a memory, which vaguely explains to us what Megami’s deal is. The memory shows Megami standing and over seeing her sister getting bullied by a group of girls in a high school bathroom. The bullies had a jar full of creepy, crawly bugs and were taunting Megami’s sister with them, trying to get her to fart out loud. For some reason, farting is considered the most disgusting, vile and degrading thing in this movie. I’m not sure whether it’s a cultural thing or not or just the director being really silly. The bullies were also trying to convince Megami to fart too, so they’d let her sister go or they’d torture her with the bugs as well, one of Megami’s fears are bugs. But her sister refused to let Megami do that for her and instead makes the sacrifice and farts in front of the group. Being so racked with shame by farting in public, Megami’s sister kills herself. Thus making Megami a whiny and pouty character at the start that ends up turning into a karate badass.

(Most Japanese gore film protagonists, as a rule are usually teenage girls in high school. Or females that have been through hard life situations in general.)

So anyway, they get to their destination, Maki eats a worm and instantly gets sick and turns into a parasitic worm zombie. Then they end up in the same town with the people from the start and that’s when the plot stops making any sense whatsoever, and ends up going on this crazy tangent which leaves you with a ‘what the fuck did I just watch’ feeling at the end. Except that what the fuck did I just watch feeling would be 100x more intense because I guarantee you, if you have not seen anything in this genre then it is far beyond the plain of things that normal people consider entertaining.

I’ll just sum up the rest of the film in 3 pictures, even then those photos won’t even begin to explain the level of insanity, immaturity and disgustingness that the second half of this movie is:

Hehe, no doubt the Human Centrepede would’ve inspired this film, at least a little bit.

Awww, in the end she accepts her sisters death and faces her fear of farts head on. By using her farts to propel herself into the air like a jet pack. Not kidding. Not even a little bit.

Yeah, I don’t know how to explain this but it’s relevant.

But by far, the best thing for me about this film would have to be the subtitles. Either the person who wrote the original script is awesome or the person that translated it to English is awesome. Either way, it’s the best to read. And out of all the characters, Naoi has all the best one liners, his character doesn’t really have any reason to be in the movie at all, other then comic relief.

So, I give this movie a 5 out 5, but I recommend to no one. This movie is weird, it’s gross and offensive, I only recommend it if you’re into poop and fart jokes with your gore.

So, in the end I can’t really tell you why this movie exists, what its even about or what the message is that the director was trying to portray.

All I know is, this movie is best watched with the reasoning side of your brain switched off.