Onion Buys ABC News

The Onion has bought out ABC's news division. That was my first thought when I read this item:

Is Rachael Ray, the talk-show host... a terrorist sympathizer?

Dunkin' Donuts... abruptly yanked an ad in which Ray wears a scarf that resembles a keffiyeh... after conservative commentators became enraged by the ad and even threatened to boycott the company... The controversial ad... came under fire nearly two weeks ago when pro-Jewish blogger Pam Geller posted it under the headline "Rachel [sic] Ray: Dunkin Donuts Jihad Tool"

"Have you seen Rachel [sic] Ray wearing the icon of Yasser Arafatbastard and the bloody Islamic jihad," Geller wrote. "This is part of the cultural jihad."

Fox News commentator Michelle Malkin took up the cause last week, when she wrote on her Web site... "The keffiyeh, for the clueless, is the traditional scarf of Arab men that has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad"...

The actual garment, says the item, was a "black-and-white silk scarf with a paisley design."

If this was not written at the Onion editorial offices, I'm supposed to understand that in the alternate universe of America, "pro-Jewish blogger" is the proper term for someone who engages in wild xenophobic rants against anything possibly or impossibly associated with another religion. I wouldn't have thought of that. I don't think most Jews would have thought of that.

With terror victorious, not only does a school teaching Arabic become a madrassa which necessarily means it teaches Islamic extremism, as Daniel Pipes believes, but a paisley scarf is necessarily a keffiyeh, which is necessarily a sign that the person wearing it favors "murdering Jews," as the above mentioned "pro-Jewish blogger" asserts.

(Er, maybe this isn't an Onion item. Maybe its a Big Pharma ad for anti-anxiety meds. Good ad, actually.)

So Pipes, Michelle Malkin, Geller et al should pay attention: The words alcohol , algebra and algorism are all really Arabic. They are proof of a nefarious Islamic plot to destroy Western society. If the words "43% alcohol" appear on your whiskey bottle, it's proof that Al-Qaeda has taken over Scotland. if your children are told to study algebra, the school has become a madrassa. All computer programs are part of the cyberwar, because they use algorithms. Don't just be afraid, if you are a true patriot. Be terrified.