Dateline: NEW YORK—Islamic states are infamous in the West for forcing women to wear burqas, since those outer garments obscure the shape of women’s bodies and are thus odious from a feminist standpoint. Defenders of the sexist laws typically resort to theological or moral rationales, none of which is found in the Quran.

But a team of researchers at NYU has published a study explaining the behaviour as the result of men’s surprising annoyance at women for being sexy and beautiful.

“Women’s curves are ostentatious and seductive,” says the lead scientist, Alfonse Flurfleburger, “but that poses a problem for heterosexual men who would rather not be preoccupied by their raging erection when they’re trying to get work done.”

The team’s report points out that these second thoughts about feminine charms crop up in Western cultures as well. “You hear men crying out, ‘Goddamn, woman!’ when they’re walking down the street, minding their own business, only to be slammed by a vision of a voluptuous woman’s bulging rump and enormous, pendulous breasts that are only barely concealed by the sexy clothing that’s standard fare in the free world.

“Western women want their liberties, but my team and I hypothesize that men sometimes want to think about something less silly and savage than stopping everything they’re doing and smothering their face in the woman’s phat flesh.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I love them ladies,” says a bank teller, Dirk Simmons. “But sometimes I wonder if it’s too much to ask not to have to start thinking like a monkey whenever I see a foxy chick at work. She’s bending over the desk in this tight skirt and her phat butt’s as round as the full moon, man; I mean, it’s like having the moon itself fall towards our planet just to smash you in the face. And I’m like, “Gaddayum!’ you know?”

The study shows that the telltale condemnation, “Goddamn, woman!” when uttered by a male who’s exasperated by the preposterous overkill involved when a curvaceous female flaunts her boobs and booty, making civilized life next to impossible, is actually a euphemism.

According to Prof. Flurfleburger, “men are condemning women for taunting and tempting them with their outrageous lady humps, for reducing men to gibbering imbeciles who can’t take care of business at the same time as they’re fantasizing about tearing off their clothes and humping the phat mounds like crazed gorillas.

“So the full exclamation isn’t just “Goddamn, woman!’ It’s “Goddamn your cleavage and your horse-like haunches for causing my erection which makes me ashamed to pretend to be civilized, dressed as I am now in my suit and sitting here, sweating and masturbating furiously in the bathroom stall, fantasizing about my female colleague who’s free to display the curves of her heavenly jugs and apple bottom.”

The team hypothesizes that certain Islamic societies have carried this resentment towards female beauty to the limit. Enveloped by the curtain of the burqa, women’s curves are hidden from view so men can pretend that Allah gives a rat’s behind about them, that they’re not just horny apes with delusions of grandeur.

“Conservative religious folks,” says Prof. Flurfleburger, “are reassured by the farfetched presumption that people are inherently superior to the other animals, that we alone are made in God’s image. When confronted by their sexuality which makes a mockery of their religion, they prefer to ignore the facts. In these Islamic cultures, the men literally throw drop cloths over what they would rather not see.”

Ben Cain is a misanthropic omega male who likes to think that the more you suffer, the funnier you can be, and the more of an alienated loser you are, the more you can withstand coming face to face with the horrors of reality. He dedicated himself to discovering whether suffering has a meaning and so he earned a meaningless Ph.D. in analytic philosophy. He shares his findings by writing philosophical rants on his blog, Rants within the Undead God, and he's published a novel, called God Decays, which is available on Amazon. Also, he's pretentiously written this bio in the third person even though he rarely partakes of such conventional trickery.