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Enter Wallace Berg, an 81-year-old Connecticut man whose name may as well be “Dick Green.”

Last month, a neighbor saw Berg outside his Stratford home doing some gardening, of sorts. Actually, he was witnessed naked and allegedly “humping” a bush, but I suppose that counts as gardening in some deranged, kinky way.

After all, Berg was tending to his plants.

When his neighbor confronted him, Berg apparently got embarrassed, clothed himself in a nearby grill cover, apologized and disappeared into his home. Unfortunately, the video footage his neighbor collected during the bushwhacking was all authorities needed to charge him with public indecency. He was later released on $10,000 bond.

For men, the relationship between alcohol and sexual performance is clear: the drunker you get, the less control you maintain over your manhood. The term most commonly used to describe this condition is “liquor dick,” but thanks to some distilleries in China, this may become a thing of the past.

According to Reuters, Chinese police are investigating two distilleries responsible for producing Baijiu, a strong grain liquor popular in that part of the world. Actually, it isn’t the Baijiu they’re investigating; it’s the Sildenafil being included with the fiery mixture.

In case you’re wondering, Sildenafil is also known as Viagra, the male impotence medication many credit with “bringing sexy back” for men whose wieners need an extra boost.

Thus far, more than 5,000 bottles have been confiscated by authorities, so I’m afraid this “hard” liquor won’t be available for long—or at all, really. Personally, though, I think it’s a shame.

After all, what better way to keep your customers in the bar than to give them all unexpected boners before they can cash out?

By now, most of us have likely seen television commercials that advertise medications used to treat erectile dysfunction, also known as limp noodle syndrome. They almost always feature an older man doing manly things—or things that still make him feel like a man (using heavy equipment, driving a truck through rugged terrain and such). Hell, some recent commercials even feature women discussing the condition… women clearly unsatisfied with their current man’s performance.

Unfortunately, there is another male condition most people ignore—a condition that affects not only men, but also boys at one time or another. And it is just as serious as erectile dysfunction, even though it is rarely acknowledged as such.

I’m referring, of course, to erectile malfunction.

Like any tool, the male penis can sometimes function incorrectly. Occasionally, it even seems to have a mind of its own. The most obvious example of this is the unexpected erection (the so-called loner boner).

Ask any man and he will tell you about a time in his life when his “little friend” acted inappropriately at the most inopportune moment. For me, it was when I was a young lad in math class. Sitting across from me was Amy, a girl who matured early enough to possess some world-class boobies long before any of her friends. My imagination was running wild—and my pants were rising—when the unthinkable happened: I was called to the chalkboard to work out a problem in front of the class.

Has this ever happened to you? (Everyday Annoyances)

The good news is that like many men, I had perfected two important maneuvers that saved me from embarrassment. The first was a subtle shift of my manhood to the side—kind of a diagonal, against-the-leg move. And the second was a slightly hunched-over gait as I approached the board. By that point, I could straighten my posture since everyone was behind me. And believe me… nothing reduces sexual arousal faster than math. Maybe sports or C-Span, but sadly neither was available on that fateful day.

Another disturbing effect of erectile malfunction is the phantom pee. Picture this: you’re in a public place and feel pressure building inside you. Not the kind of pressure you feel prior to urination, but the kind associated with farts strong enough to power a small wind farm. Luckily, you find an area private enough to cut loose without drawing too much attention, squeeze one off and push a little too hard. A little pee slips out and, before you know it, you’re standing there with an expanding wet spot on your crotch. And to make matters worse, your fart smells so bad that shit would hold its nose if it could!

Yes, erectile malfunction is a serious condition and one that can cause undue stress and trauma to those who experience it. Take it from me, an EM survivor: we need a pill for this, too.

Just don’t ask me to star in any of the commercials because I’m pretty sure I’ll be busy that day.

When it comes to merchandising, it is extremely rare for a product to perfectly represent the celebrity or famous figure for which it was designed. Thanks to a 31-year-old Florida artist named Fernando Sosa, however, GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump finally has a product worthy of his name.

It’s a butt plug… and one “The Donald” can truly be proud of.

“I wanted to do something insulting,” Sosa told The Huffington Post recently. “I like the mental picture of his face going into people’s asses.”

Sosa used a 3D printer to create the butt plug shortly after Trump labeled Mexican immigrants as rapists and drug addicts. You see, he was born in Mexico and did not take kindly to Trump’s remarks.

Trump could not be reached for comment, of course, but I seriously doubt that we’ve heard “the end” of this… unless Trump engineers some sort of “come from behind” victory next year!

Apparently, his wife thought he was cheating on her, so she set up a hidden recording device in their home hoping to catch him in the act. And believe me, she caught something I’m sure she never expected.

Medley was supposedly upset with his wife for showing her dog more attention than she showed him. So what did he do to get back at her?

He molested her two-year-old, ten-pound shih tzu Buster.

Fortunately for Medley, Alabama got rid of its bestiality law and he was only charged with a misdemeanor. I hope this doesn’t encourage more sex with animals in the state, but I’m certain it will do little to deter it.

The good news is that Buster has been checked out and is doing fine. Whether or not he ever trusts another human male remains to be seen, though.

Some people love Mother Nature. And some people love her a bit too literally.

41-year-old Kenneth Crowder of Melbourne, Florida belongs in this second group.

Last Friday, Crowder was arrested after doing some crazy things under the influence of flakka, a synthetic drug similar in some respects to bath salts (i.e. the drug that causes users to rip people’s faces off and such).

Apparently, Crowder was seen running naked through a neighborhood and engaging in sexual acts with a tree. No details were provided, but I’m sure your imagination can fill in the blanks… especially if the tree had a knot hole in it. Of course, he likely could have done something with branches and leaves. Who the hell knows?

After molesting the tree, Crowder got dressed and was met by a police officer, who got freaked out when the dreadlocked man identified himself as God and started moving towards him aggressively. The officer used a Taser on Crowder, but he only yanked out the prongs, punched the officer, ripped the badge off his chest and tried to stab him with it.

Obviously, Crowder was arrested and charged with battery on a law enforcement officer, along with several additional charges.

And no, sexually assaulting Mother Nature was not one of them. Chalk it up as just another example of humans harming their environment, I guess.

When you think about the wizarding world of Harry Potter—J.K. Rowling’s famous “Boy Who Lived” from the book and film series—the last thing that likely comes to mind is sex… unless you had a crush on Emma Watson’s character Hermione.

And yes, I am referring to Hermione in the later films, when she ceased to be jailbait. Shame on anyone who entertained naughty fantasies about her before she crossed this important legal threshold.

Thinking about sex in Harry Potter terms may conjure up images of strippers wearing “pumpkin pasties” or Hogwarts students doing inappropriate things with their wands. But last month at Boston University, two graduate students from the school’s Wellness and Prevention Services program used this magical context to offer an interactive class called “Sex-Ed at Hogwarts”. Here’s how the event was advertised on their Facebook page:

Hermione all grown up (Pure HD Wallpapers)

“At this event, half-bloods, house-elves, and muggles alike will learn the proper way to get consent to enter one’s chamber of secrets and how to snog without getting Hogwarts. We’ll be casting some sensual spells in CAS room 313. Hope you can apparate there.”

Michelle Goode and Jamie Klufts—both huge Potter fans—came up with this idea because Rowling herself never really addressed sex or sex education in her novels. Of course, students at Hogwarts took classes in Divination and Defense Against the Dark Arts, so it stands to reason that Sex Ed appeared somewhere in the curriculum.

After all, with so many magical creatures running around—from elves and mermaids to goblins and giants—safe sex would have to be a serious issue, don’t you think?