Have you ever been grossed out by something you heard while you were eating? Someone shares a story over lunch and you can’t eat any more? What happened? Your mind had a powerful response to the pictures and words that were given to it. There was no physical reason to be grossed out. It was just a story. But your imagination caused a physical reaction in your body.

This is how our brains work. Marisa Peer, Britain’s top therapist, explains this as one of the Rules of the Mind. The mind responds to the pictures we give it and the words we tell it. Pictures are powerful. Words are powerful. Enough to cause you to lose your appetite. Enough to cause you to feel anxiety. Enough to cause stress that leads to illness.

‘Stress is a factor in five out of the six leading causes of death — heart disease, cancer, stroke, lower respiratory disease, and accidents. An estimated 75 percent to 90 percent of all doctor visits are for stress-related issues. There seems to be a trend here. Illness and stress.’ (According to stress management expert, Joe Robinson)

These terrible statistics actually provide some good news. Because we have figured out some powerful ways to reduce stress. You have more control over this than you think. You can’t take all the problems out of life. Life is hard sometimes. I love Glennon Doyle’s word. ‘Brutiful’. Because every moment carries both hard and amazing aspects. When you choose to look at the amazing, your mind responds by hitting you with good hormones and decreasing stress hormones. Sounds good right?

So how do the pictures and words you are feeding your mind cause stress? Your mind cannot tell the difference between the images and words you give it, and reality. That’s why you actually stopped eating when your friend (or most likely a family member) told you the disgusting story while you were eating lunch.

Unhappy people have lots of stress because they use lots of negative pictures and words. These words and pictures release cortisol that causes illness. Happy people paint different pictures about the problems. They use better words.

Do you have few things you want to change this year? Get in shape, be a better parent, partner, employee, boss. Save some money?

Most New Year’s Resolutions fail. I probably didn’t have to tell you that. How many of your items from last year are still on your list this year? Some of them? All of them? There are lots of reasons. And lots of motivational videos on YouTube you can watch. What I’d like to share is one shift in thinking that helped me to start to reach goals, instead of getting super frustrated with myself and quitting.

The biggest shift in my mind was to stop putting a short/unrealistic time limit on goals. Instead of giving myself three weeks to lose 10 pounds or 30 days to be a better mom, I give myself 6 months or a year to accomplish my goals. For some things I give myself even longer. I keep going for as long as it takes to get there. This is not the same as saying ‘Oh, I’ll do it tomorrow.’ No, this is me working regularly at my goals, but taking the stress of a date that is too unreachable, off of it.

This longer time frame keeps me in reality. If you want to lose 20 lbs and give yourself 2 months, you are likely to fail. NOT because you aren’t trying. NOT because you lack will power. NOT because you are a weak and terrible person. But because you set yourself up to fail by being unrealistic. It’s the same as saying I want to drive to Chicago in 20 minutes. Unless you live that close, this idea is crazy and you wouldn’t feel dumb if you failed. You would know it’s not possible and give yourself more time. You’d look up the directions on your phone, and set a realistic goal- hopefully you give yourself pit stops to pee as well. If you live 15 hours from Chicago, and you give yourself 17 hours to get there, you’ll succeed!!

So why are we a little insane about our goals? Well, you could blame greedy people who just want to sell a program or shakes. It’s a conspiracy! Or you could understand humans tend to be a little insane about goals.

We take a fantasy of being size 6 or losing 15 lbs in 10 days, and squash it together with lies about being self disciplined. “This time I’m only eating ice cubes and carrots!” What could go wrong? We also add a dash of cruelty to our innocent and magnificent bodies. “I don’t care how long it’s been since you’ve eaten! It’s January 5th and we’re going to do this! 500 calories a day is reasonable!”

We do the same thing with all our goals. We want to be the best mom and feel horrible if we yell at our kids. We want to love our spouse well, but fail. So we give up.

So you quit in 2 months, or more likely, 3 days. It’s really not quitting. It’s reality hitting you in the face. You’ve driven 20 minutes and you are NOT in Chicago.

What if you had just stuck with it for 4 more months- 16 more weeks. 120 more days? You would have made it. Instead you go 365 more days until next January, to start this process of failure all over again. And what if you allow yourself to fail along the way? To keep going until you get it, not beat yourself up when you revert back to old behaviors and habits?

When you give yourself time, you can celebrate along the way. You can fail and know you are still on your way. Not beat yourself up. And kindness motivates. Being mean to yourself doesn’t.

So be kind! Be realistic. Set some goals and give yourself time to reach them. You got this! And if you’ve already given up on any goals from January 1st, start again! You are worth it!

If you are finding yourself struggling with emotional pain, anxiety, or feeling stuck, check out www.cyrinatalbott.com.

When you begin to learn about how and why you behave in the ways you do, you learn that you can choose to go from unwanted behavior, to wanted behavior. From overweight to healthy. From smoker to non smoker. From anxious to calm. The hardest part of the journey is a short amount of time after you let go of the unwanted behavior, and before you’re used to the new wanted behavior. This in between place is something that I’ve begun to call “no man’s land.’ Some scientists call it the ‘dip’, when you can actually feel like you are moving away from your goal, but are totally on your way to your goal.

You’ve left the safety of the familiar. Even if that was not really safe. Your mind felt safe there because it was predictable. Your mind equates predictable with safe. Even if the predictable was eating 5 pieces of cake everyday. Even if familiar was feeling stuck and defeated. There is a false sense of security in what we know.

So now you’ve decided to eat less cake, maybe even no cake. You’ve made it 4 days! But you feel totally frustrated today. Maybe a little scared or wondering what’s going on. It’s so hard. Everyone else gets to eat cake! And of course it’s your birthday and you made this stupid decision to stop eating cake. Who does that?

Technically what’s going on is that in your brain you have neuropathways. Where messages have traveled over and over so much they create a rut. You’ve probably heard this. The messages cause you to feel a certain a way and then you behave a certain way and then you feel a certain way and so on.

Here’s the crazy part. When you go to change a behavior, you begin to carve a new path. The old path actually reaches out to tries to grab the new path and pull it in!! How creepy is that?? So how does anyone actually succeed?

The first time I ever went to a therapist, I said, “I’d like a pill to fix me. If there isn’t a pill, I’ll give you like 6 weeks tops to get this figured out.” She laughed at me! She was an amazing woman. And wanting to fix years of pain with a pill instantly is kinda funny.

I was devastated to learn this whole “healing” process takes time. I had another psychologist tell me I needed to spend time loving my inner child. I never went back to him! What the heck does it mean to “love your inner child"? I pictured myself rocking in a corner. That’s not what he meant, I know, but it’s what I pictured! And there was no way I was going to do that.

I was so relieved and thrilled when I first heard Brene Brown’s Ted Talk about how she hated going back to her past to figure out her present and heal. I thought I was the only person who resisted this stuff.

I now know with every bone in my body that it works. I learned through experience and I even became a therapist! I found and learned a method that works quickly, because I still want to have this process take as little time as possible! I’m now able to say I’ve walked this path and I totally believe in it. But I have been resistant pretty much every step of the way.

Every healing concept— going to your past, loving yourself, gratitude, meditation (which for me involves God), learning to “let go”, forgiveness, allowing— have been hard for me to grasp. Eventually I get it, but it takes me a while… My first response is usually, “No. Let’s try anything but that.”

So why did I keep going? Because I want to heal. I need to heal. For my kids. For my relationships. For myself. I have to do this stuff.

Learning who to trust and how to trust is a skill we can all learn and continue to grow in.

The way most people (myself included) learn, is by screwing up! Allowing people to use you, or abuse you, is how most of us figure this out. There comes a point in your life where you learn that you can’t trust the person you thought you could. So you learn not to trust that person. And that’s good. Don’t trust untrustworthy people.**

Unfortunately many people stop trusting anyone once they’ve been hurt once or twice. Or 5,000 times. This makes sense. Rejection actually feels like extreme pain in our minds and bodies. Scientist have measured pain receptors in the brain and found the same areas that light up when a person is rejected or humiliated are the same areas that light up when a person has been physically injured. To your mind it’s the same thing.

If you don’t trust anyone, you’ll be isolated and lonely. You and I are built for connection and relationship and distrust wrecks that.

Learning to say no to damaging behavior is the foundation of healthy relationships. But knowing when to say yes and no, is where we get to live our lives to the fullest. So how do you say yes to anyone? You want to trust the right people. You want amazing love relationships and friendships and family relationships. You’ve said no to those that hurt you. Now what? You might be afraid to say yes to the wrong person again. Or be afraid that yes takes you right back to pain.

Start within yourself. You need to start by trusting yourself. So that you know what it feels like and looks like to trust others. And to know when to choose NOT to trust someone.

Believe yourself. Know that when it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t right. Get good at believing yourself. If you have had poor boundaries, it’s because on some level you have been in denial or lying to yourself. Did that hurt you? Then admit it. Is their behavior stressing you out? Admit it. This takes practice.

First, you become Aware of your emotions. You simply notice them. Stop for a minute and think about what you are feeling. Then you Allow your feelings. No judgement. Just allow whatever comes up, to come. If it’s anger, sit a minute longer to see what’s under the anger. There is always hurt or fear underneath. The last A is Articulate. Talk about your feelings.

If you are like most people, this last A, articulation, or talking about how you feel, can be super scary. And uncomfortable. And the last thing in the world you’ll ever do willingly, thank you very much. But it’s needed and healing and sets you free. So you might want to try it…

I’m going to give you a few tips and ideas about how to do this. I have no idea what you may be picturing when I say “talk about your feelings.” But I have a hunch it’s not positive. We don’t see many healthy examples of how to do this. It may not be familiar at all. You may picture a person who is very emotional or who doesn’t deal with emotions, just stays stuck in them and blames others. Or you may be like, ‘If I told everyone how I really feel, I’d have about zero friends by tomorrow night.’

The good new is that most of the time when you articulate your feelings, it only needs be to yourself. No need to share with everyone all the time. This does not mean blame. This isn’t sharing your emotions or pain with anyone who will listen. That just keeps it there longer. This is about getting honest with yourself. Telling yourself how you feel first. This powerful practice of telling yourself how you feel, helps the feeling pass. It’s the last step to get it up and out and gone. It stops the build up that causes outbursts of anger and hurt relationships.

I don’t know much about cars. So whenever I have to deal with them, I feel stupid. I had to get a headlight a couple of weeks ago. I avoided it. It’s super easy, but just going into the car parts store makes me feel stupid. I grew up with four brothers so I’m kinda tough, but I don’t really care about cars. I care about what color a car is. So even though I can change the oil and change a tire, and know a little about cars that I like, I’m still embarrassed about all that I don’t know. So anyway, by the time I got around to buying a headlight, I got pulled over because I had a taillight missing too. (At least that’s what I thought the cop said) So I go in and have the guy behind the counter at the car parts store get me a headlight and tell him my taillight is missing too. He asks if it’s the inside or outside light. I have no clue. So I ask what the difference. He says the outer edge is the outside. I feel like an idiot. I don’t know which it is. So I go outside and check. Both lights look fine. So then I figure out, it must be the brake light. (Oh, yeah, I remember now, the cop said brake light.) So I go in and buy the headlight. I don’t even bother with the brake light. I just want to get out of there as fast a possible. I feel like they all are judging me for being a dumb woman who drives a minivan and got stuck in a car wash a few weeks ago…(that’s another story, but true, and ads to my shame) because they know how bad I am at life…

I’m not sure if you can relate, but what I did with all these feelings was NOT follow the three A’s. At least not till later. What I did instead was start to be really mad at my husband. And mad at myself. He should take care of this stuff!! And I should know more. But I don’t. And I shouldn’t have gotten stuck in the car wash, but I did.

You brush your teeth every day to keep them healthy. Dealing with emotions is the same way. You can “brush” them daily or as often as you need to, so that you avoid “cavities” such as anxiety and pain in relationships. Each of us is taught how to brush when we are little. Unfortunately no one teaches emotional hygiene when we are young. But you can learn today, and be free from painful “cavities” from now on!

Marisa Peer, award winning celebrity therapist and creator of RTT (Rapid Transformational Therapy), shares that Awareness, Allowing, and Articulating are key in dealing with emotions in a healthy way. In the last post I talked about the first “A’ of the Three A’s of emotions. Awareness. You need to be aware of what you are feeling at the time you feel it.

All of us have emotions sometimes that are overwhelming. We can feel rage, despair, sadness, or fear that make us think that there must be something wrong with us. Do other people deal with this?

We also judge ourselves for feeling rage or hate toward someone. We think it for a moment and then push it down, and think ‘that’s a horrible thought, I can’t feel that.’

But you can. And you should. Marisa Peer, award winning celebrity therapist and creator of RTT (Rapid Transformational Therapy), shares that Awareness, Allowing, and Articulating are key in dealing with emotions in a healthy way. There’s a huge irony here because if you do the Three A’s, the feelings actually lessen or disappear. And if you say, ‘This is wrong or bad, I can’t feel this way or I shouldn’t feel this way,’ you actually cause the feeling to grow. Instead of letting it come up and out, it stays in you and builds every time another “bad” thought is added to it.

The first A is for Awareness. Become aware of how you are feeling. This may sound super simple-most of these tools are. It’s simple, but hard at first. I used to be so out of touch with my feelings that before they could even come to the surface, I would feel myself swallowing them. This seemed so helpful at the time! I didn’t cry, or get mad, or express fear. At least not in public and not very often. But I still HAD the feelings, so they were in me and came out sideways- as I like to call it. Sideways means you don’t deal with your emotions and so they come out in a different way, somewhere else in your life. For me it was letting all the emotions out at home as anger toward my husband and kids, and not feeling peaceful or calm. I was anxious. Because there was no healthy release of emotions- they were always right under the surface. This is SO common! If you do this please know that you are NOT alone.

By stuffing (I use this phrase for pushing down emotions so they can’t come up to the surface, and refusing to face them) my ‘bad’ emotions, I also had a hard time feeling the good emotions in life. I stayed shut down even when I wanted to feel good. When we close ourselves off to anger, jealousy, or guilt because those emotions feel terrible, our body only sees that we are stuffing emotions. The body does not judge good or bad. So it just learns to stuff. So we also stuff good emotions like joy, excitement, and hope. Not fun!

So for me, becoming aware of my emotions meant I became aware that I was stuffing them- literally it felt like I swallowed them. I also had to quit labeling emotions as ‘bad’. Anger is not bad! It’s simply an indicator. Like a light on the dashboard of your car. If the gas light comes on we don’t say, ‘Oh no! Running out of gas is bad. I’m going to cover up that light! Maybe it’ll go away.’ Of course it doesn’t, and neither do our emotions.

I have a guess about you. I guess that when someone comes to you for help or encouragement, you are kind. Good guess huh? I’m guessing you would not ever say anything like this:

“I can’t believe you are still stuck on this. We talked about this same thing 3 months ago, seriously!”

“You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just get back to work!”

‘‘You are such a drama queen!”

“I’d just give up if I were you. You are stupid and shouldn’t even try!”

“Who do you think you are to try to do that?!”

Can you imagine if you ever spoke to a friend or loved one like that? What would happen? Hopefully anyone who hears talk like that runs for the hills!

But that is EXACTLY how we talk to ourselves. And many times much crueler. Now imagine the friend that we spoke to that way to doesn’t leave. They just listen to the abuse year after year. How emotionally healthy would they be?

How we speak to ourselves is SO important.

Now science is catching up with all this and measuring the results of kind self talk vs mean self talk. Turns out being kind to yourself is profoundly good for you! How you talk to yourself affects your emotional health, stress levels, and ability to handle hard situations. It even affects physical health related to stress.

Your mind is your friend right? It helps keep you alive, keep your heart beating, alerting you to danger, communicating with the people you love. But what if I told you your mind is not interested in helping you succeed. Would that help explain a few things?

If our minds were interested in helping us succeed, they would not freeze when we want to say something to that cute person. They would not get nervous and want to die, instead of asking for a raise. They would not get sick on the day of the big presentation. You thought that was a coincidence? Nope, your mind did that! And they would not fight so much to be right instead of having peaceful, loving relationships. One of the biggest obstacles standing in your way of success is your mind! But you can change it into the biggest driver of success. Those who are successful know this and have created ways to do just that. I’ll share one of those ways later.

Our minds actually go into ‘fight or flight’ when presented with new situations or challenges. This is the fear response instinct that kept us alive when we were a more tribal civilization and had real threats to our