Dr. Dan: I have a
14-year-old daughter and 6-year-old son. My daughter wants later curfews, the freedom to
date, and unlimited phone and online time. I don't want to smother her but I do
want to protect her. The things that can happen to children scare me to death.
How do I strike a balance between overcontrol and permissiveness?
–
Sharon

Dear Sharon: First of all, remember that you have one of the toughest and
most important jobs in the world. As Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis said, "If you
bungle raising your children, nothing else matters much in life." Being a parent
is physically grueling, financially costly, and emotionally challenging.
Parenting is on-the-job training with no grace period.

Given all that, have compassion for yourself. The more compassion you have
for yourself as a parent, the more you can have for loved ones. All parents make
mistakes, sometimes big mistakes. But no single action (with the exception
of abuse) generally has lasting, damaging consequences. Yes, the world can be
dangerous, but good parenting includes both protecting your children and
gradually letting them lead their own lives. Some
guidelines:

Ask yourself: Do the rules in your family foster optimal growth of your
children, or are they set up primarily to make your life easier by protecting
you from your fears and doubts? If, for example, you forbid your children to ask
questions because you feel challenged by dissent, or you make children's
decisions for them because it hurts to see them fail, you may be putting your
fears and needs first. Part of what's so difficult about being a parent is that
it's a lifelong process of letting go. Your children will eventually go their
own way whether you're ready or not. You will see your children fail, be hurt,
and doubt themselves. You can do everything "right" and tragic accidents can
still happen. There are limits to what parents can do.

Yet there is no limit to the love, respect and affection possible between
parents and children. Foster your children's social connections. Encourage their
self-respect. Listen to their fears and provide feedback that they can incorporate
into an accurate self-image. Respect their privacy, feelings, opinions, and
equality as human beings. Encourage them to make choices and take intelligent
risks. And don't feel that you have to do it alone. Talk to your mate and
friends; confide your dilemmas and fears. If you or any family member
experiences abnormal depression or anxiety, please
seek therapy.

As Kahlil Gibran wrote, "Your children are ... the sons and daughters of
life's longing for itself. You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
for they have their own thoughts ... Seek not to make them like you."

This column is designed for
educational purposes only and is not a substitute for psychotherapy or a visit
to a mental health professional. If you experience abnormal anxiety, depression,
or serious emotional or situational difficulties, please
seek professional help
immediately

This site is designed for educational
purposes only and is not a substitute for psychotherapy or a visit to a
mental health professional. If you are experiencing abnormal anxiety,
depression, or serious emotional or situational difficulties, please
seek professional help immediately.
Click here for suggestions on finding a therapist