Mo' money, no problems

The last week has been a tremendous one for those truly deserving members of society. Young Willard Romney finally took a tremendous step against socialism, declaring steadfastly to remove that hedonistic, yellow-feathered freak, Big Bird, from our national airwaves. (On a related note, is there anything in this country worse than Barney, the Big Purple socialist dinosaur? “Sharing is caring” isn’t a song title, it’s communist brainwashing, an attempt to dissuade the children of society of the importance of private property to any functioning economy.)

On a personal note, I successfully ended a strike in one of my many Malaysian factories without having to make any concessions. I ask you this: Has society really devolved to the point where a capitalist like myself must provide food AND water to his employees? I didn’t believe so, and the younger replacement laborers were more than satisfied with the Juicy-Juice boxes we provided for their 18-hour days.

And, finally, Duke University embarked upon a $3.25 billion capital campaign. This means that my University will have finally raised more money than the annual GDP of the Central African Republic (easily the worst-named country on this entire planet—naming your country “Central African Republic” would be like me calling my son Cranfield “Effeminate Disappointment Child”).

This is, of course, great news for the school, but many people have asked me, “Wellington, what exactly will Duke spend this money on?” Now, I cannot make any promises for the long-term future, as my body is more riddled with disease than the Central African Republic, but I can tell you my personal goals for this spending.

Before I begin, I would like to dismiss concerns that have been brought up that I am somewhat of a racist. This is patently false: Obviously, I believe a good portion of this funding should go toward minority groups, so the proposed $250 million dollars of funding to the athletic department is a fantastic step in the right direction. Any Ubermensch must be strong in body and spirit, and besides, I believe that profitable programs like our basketball and our football teams (I know, I too am saying each week “Doth my eyes deceive me?” at my television screen) should be rewarded over pedantic, non-market-incentivized areas like Arts and Sciences.

I also think the University should be using this money to increase the standard-of-living of the average student. Why not hire each student a personal servant, like my Asian assistant Feng Guan? A student would no longer need to carry his books around to classes, and if he were caught in the rain, he could simply lift up his small Asian above his head (I am told Orientals are well-known for their ability to retain water). They would also be able to assist any female student on any math or science exam.

I think the final priority for spending will be to fund true opposition groups on this campus. Women’s Center? Let’s create a Men’s Centre, spelled as such because real men default to British tradition. They could host fun activities like “Pre-Nuptial Agreements and You: How to Avoid Succubi and Keep Your Hard-Earned Millions” and “Why Consent is a Much Trickier Issue Than the Mainstream Media Would Have You Believe”—topics truly relevant to the titans of industry this University creates.

Similarly, I think that the BSAI weekend should include a tribute to the brave British men and women, but mostly the men, who helped bring the African population to the U.S. It is they who are the truly forgotten heroes.