And I'm a mess. Worried most about money, whether she will go to bat for me--worried that I will end up in a financial hole, worried that I am cutting off any chance of reconciliation, even though he has made no moves whatsoever in that direction, worried I won't be able to support myself after so many years of being a stay at home mom, etc etc. This lawyer is very very good, comes well recommended, but I worry that she will somehow sell me down the river.

Then there is the emotional side--just so sad. Back to no appetite, sadness, at least yesterday. Next step is to fill out all the financial discovery stuff. I promised myself back in June, that if I had not filed by now, that I would. So, I'm on my way. However, it makes me sick with worry.

How did any of you deal with starting the process and staying focussed enough to make sure things were going as they should, while dealing with the emotional stuff?

I haven't sent the retainer in for my attorney yet -- but I know who I will be using.

The worry comes from the unknowns. I worry about the same type of things. You are by no means alone!

I am focusing on what comes after the process -- on the opportunity to live an authentic life for me and my kids.

I know there will be rough times and more worry -- but I will try to focus on getting past those times and new beginning that my kids and I deserver.

It about you now. If he wants to reconcile, let him do the work -- you continue to focus on you so it won't matter what he does or doesn't do. I know there are some attorneys that are not ideal -- but you said you have very good recommendations. I have a feeling she won't sell you down the river. If she's good, let her guide you -- she's done this before. It is not unknown territory to her like it is to you.

Your first paragraph is probably the main reason I haven't retained a lawyer! Except- I am a working mom and just know that I will have to change my habits and be responsible for things myself instead of letting him handle it all!

It's good you stuck to your timeline deadline. One lawyer I met with said exactly that- set a deadline. So good for you for not extending that deadline!

Another lawyer I met with I know will nail his ass in 5 minutes flat but I just clicked better with the other lawyer. So - I guess you just trust your instinct- but if you are like me right now..... I have little trust in anyone!

So -thankfully we have SI to get second opinions!

Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele

Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013

BAB61♀ 41181Member # 41181

Posted: 1:40 AM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014

Wow, I am right behind you, signed the paperwork, need to call the lawyer....You Will be ok .... regardless of how it all shakes out ..YOU will be ok.

I am sorry and know exactly what you are going through, as I had all of the same fears. Some of the fears are real--for example, yes, I am bleeding financially.

But I was bleeding out emotionally, like you, and it was much much worse. Money comes and goes. You will recover. You will not be on the street.

My attorney came highly recommended from someone in a divorce support group. I like her very much--she has gone to bat for me--yet I really believe that I am ultimately on my own in so many ways.

The paperwork I got through one step at a time. If I looked too far ahead, it was very overwhelming. I had my brother help me with much of it. I recommend you gather your support--family, friends--and enlist their help. You will get through it too.

Even though the reason I filed was my acceptance that reconciliation was never going to happen, I still had that fear in the back of my mind, "If I really do divorce her, she REALLY will never 'come to her senses.'" But this was the wrong attitude. I was still thinking about her. I filed for MYSELF.

If you have followed my thread, you know that two weeks ago, she did approach me crying, saying she missed me, did I still love her, "everything has changed," etc. Yet she was still living with the OM. Insane. It just reinforced the rightness of my decision.

The bottom line is, you know that you have to do this. Take the plunge--again, for YOU. Not for him, not to "make him go farther away" and destroy all hopes for reconciliation. Listen to your head, and your heart will--slowly, painfully--catch up. No, mine still hasn't completely, but I know it will and a new life awaits.

All the best. Be brave. If I can do it, you can too. Really.

Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Dec 2012

badmedicine♀ 41692Member # 41692

Posted: 12:48 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014

You can do it. Good for you, sticking to a deadline. I am realizing more and more that I have extended deadlines and bent the rules for my STBXH and that is actually MY problem, not his. I too worry about the reconciliation thing but then I remind myself that he had a chance for it and he wasted it. Mine started putting in effort *after* he got served....now I'm struggling with standing firm and not "extending the deadline" yet again. Sometimes I feel like we should talk about "betrayed thinking" in the same way that we talk about "wayward thinking".

As for filling out the papers I was completely overwhelmed. "How much do you spend on cosmetics? Dry cleaning?" Etc. I just kept thinking about how my marriage was ending and how I had so many hopes for us when we started and that none came true and even worse. It was pitiful. For me I had to set deadlines and do it in pieces. When I was really upset I gave myself a break but only for an hour. Then I had to keep going. I also agree with the friend/family support. I texted one friend in the middle of it and said "I'm drinking wine and filling out divorce papers" Her response was "YAAAAYYYY!!!". Ha. It made me laugh and I got a little more done.

If you are worried about money remember that the more complete you get things before giving them back to your attorney the less she has to do herself (and therefore the less she will charge). I agree with having an attorney you can trust and who is smart and explains things. I'm pretty sure I could be friends with mine if she weren't my lawyer. Just a piece of advice, from someone who is struggling with this as well: your attorney is NOT your therapist. Try to keep the emotions out of it as much as possible. At least make it to the car before the tears.

"The wishbone will never replace the backbone." -Will Henry
"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it." -Dorothy Parker

Posts: 211 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States

Saadnblu♀ 40361Member # 40361

Posted: 1:07 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014

Dear ithappened, myown,BAB and AD,

I love you guys. Each one of your responses have helped me so much. I'm truly grateful for SI. Ithappened, yes, we will get through it and I am following your lead on focussing on the life after the process, for my son and me. Such good advice. My own, I would venture that you will know when it's time. Just because I had the deadline didint mean that I would have gone by it. But somehow, 6 months to the day I found out about what he had done, I was ready. I could feel it in my stomach. That doesn't make it any less scary and nerve wracking. But there is a rightness about it.

Thank you, BAB. Ok we are in this together. And, YOU will be okay too. We both will.

AD, I have followed your posts and I do know what you have been going through. How lovely to have you post your wisdom and strength on this topic. I am walking over the cliff, and it helps to know that others have done so, and despite the financial, and other wounds, we all take care of ourselves and go forward.

Well, last night I sent him the email telling him I had retained the attorney and he had to find one for himself. His reply was a one-liner, in a list of other one-liners, about our son, things i had done he didn't like, etc. Like it was on his to-do list. Not a word like, oh I am so sorry it has come to this, I'm sorry for what I did, we had so many dreams together. Nothing--just a line item.

This is, of course, not new behavior. And when I think about it, I'm better off not to live with it, and i will be better off when all is done, to know it is truly over.It's just getting there that's going to be tough.

I have a feeling that he is the last man with whom I will be intimate. I'm closing on 60, and there's no way to turn back to hands of time, I'm stepping out into a new world, alone, Makes me pretty sad.

Badmedicine, thanks for all your encouragement and good spirits. You're helping me get out of bed this morning,

I've gotten the list of all the stuff I did wrong too -- and I am horrible for contemplating getting my own attorney instead of just using his! Whatever!!

I, too, feel like I will ever be intimate with a man again (I'm 52). Right now, I don't ever want a man in my life -- but we'll see what happens.

Interestingly, I was telling this to my mom (who is currently 83) and she said not to worry about that. She was widowed at 63 -- and the pond was not dry!! She didn't want to fish in the pond -- but told me it was dry nor empty. So, if that is something you want in your future, it could still be there!