The Journey is the Reward

Thank You For Responding

Dear Friends and Family,

Bear with me as I go through this. I try to be open-minded and respectful of people and their feelings. I like to see all sides of a circumstance and understand the perspectives and feelings of those not my own and hold no judgment in their differences. I know we all have a right to our feelings. Right now, though, I am not interested in seeing the other side. Right now, I want to be angry, happy, sad, scared, frustrated, and hopeful. I am not interested in measuring my feelings. I will, I promise, but in the meantime I may (most certainly will) say, think, and feel things that will hurt someone’s feelings and for that I am truly sorry. But right now, I want to feel what I feel and not have to try to be so fucking understanding about it.

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“Thank you for responding.”

Er. For realz? That’s it? That’s all we got?

Shit, I don’t know what to do here. I don’t know what to say. You found me.

“I don’t want to intrude. I am here, if you choose to allow me a part in your life. Know that you are loved. Always.”

Whoosh. That was a breath of relief I just exhaled. She is not looking to disturb my life – the disturbance is mine to give should I choose it. Oh. Okay. That I can work with. Slowly an exchange of stats: married, children, location, job. It’s just business.

Then the sad, little girl shyly asked the question that’s been burning in her soul, “Mama, the endearment screams in her head and stays there, Did you really think of us?”

Only a heartless person would have answered this question wrong. It’s almost a trick question because anything but yes would be too cruel. What I didn’t expect was, “Every day. I wrote journals to talk to you. I lit candles on your birthdays.”

Mama thought of me? Mama missed me? Mama remembered my birthday? Should I believe her? Did she really? I mean, she let me go! But maybe she did, just because she couldn’t be my mama doesn’t mean she stopped caring about me. I won’t say love, I won’t expect that she loved me, it’s okay if she didn’t, but I can think that she cared. Yes. I’m sure she cared about me.

“I always wanted you. I have only one regret in my life and that is you and your brother. If I could do it all over, it would be so very different.”

13 thoughts on “Thank You For Responding”

Thanks. This single conversation, that single knowledge, has sincerely and completely changed my life. It’s changed everything I thought I ever knew. I’ve spent years learning and understanding that I am loved and I am loveable but sitting with the knowledge that the thing that made me question it in the first place *did* want me and that I was wrong about that – it’s like putting in the final piece of the puzzle.

Me, too. I never really questioned whether it would or not and worked my own way around finding the answer but having her here to also say the words I needed to hear all that time has changed so much of everything – for the better.

Well has she ever explained why the hell she left if she always wanted you? If she remembered you? Why it took her so long? My god I would be so angry. You already know this, but I am like….totally infuriated here for you. I’m so sorry she’s putting you through this, but I guess the catharsis at the end will be a relief.

Okay, I look forward to it ❤ Yeah, I really did connect with you along with all the other Blogging Honesty writers. You can't help but feel connected in some minute way…we've been reading each other tell the truth and nothing but the truth for the past month!

I had the anger from the time I was 12 until probably around 27 years old. I lived with it for a really long time. In the past few years, I’m now 31, I had to let the anger go and find acceptance or it would have eaten me alive (it nearly did). It seems that, you *feel* now, what I felt then, before I had to either deal with it or let if run my life…if that makes sense…

It does make sense. It is much easier to be angry for somebody else than to be angry at oneself or for oneself. 😦 I don’t want to project my feelings when you’re just beginning to overcome them. I think I would be able to accept it just fine, but then to have this person try to come back, that’s where I draw the line. I can accept that I was given a new home, there must have been reasons. But the coming back part, that’s what sucks.

Don’t worry about your feelings or projecting them onto me. I’ve spent many, many moons learning to separate mine from others. You can have your feelings, and I’m glad that you do because it means that the words I’m writing and the life I’m living is touching you, and I can have my feelings.