San Francisco Tsunami

Friday, July 20, 2012

SF Tsunami Impregnate NABA Playoffs

Congrats boys, but don’t expect a fucking certificate when 60% of the teams in this league make the playoffs. However, unlike Danger we did actually clinch a berth this week and that’s something to feel good about. If only because it doesn’t mean a frantic dash to Safeway for some emergency contraception.

Lot of storylines this week: Free Brazzers, Danger an almost father, Bradley Cooper’s flirtation with TST, Abbot “The Artist” dying a slow married-life death, Laser losing a footrace to third base to a fat guy for the fourth out in an frighteningly accurate real life metaphor for his dating life, and most important….wait for it…the triumphant return of our All-Star Catcher who we were lucky to win a single game without.

We also played a baseball game this week. Winning 11-1 is fucking fun, right? I don’t know what got into you guys but we lit up the Heroes like a Japanese business man’s face in the Castro on a Saturday night. Apparently, Dan thought I would use the occasion to make culturally insensitive references about Pearl Harbor, Karaoke, and/or Anime porn but he underestimates me. Instead, Tommy and I bridged the divide and honored them later that night with a Bud Light Sake Bomb for every run we scored. We are the world, you guys.

Tsunami Shitter Twitter
Prepare to Win!
Daniels: Planning on taking forty naked swings in front of a mirror from 2 to 4
Malibu Castle: I may try to talk the Mexican miniature golf attendant into letting me get her pregnant behind the Time Crisis game

Ba(Na)2 Bread: I got some action last night, what about you Sal?
Malibu Castle: My GF surprised with tickets to a magic show
Quinoa: Is that some kind of euphemism?

Foreshadowing!
Laser: I got fucking hosed last night I’m sorry

Hyperbole!
LG: “Christmas in July!!! Fuck you guys, once I get this bounty of blog riches (thanks Dan!!) in my brain like a finger-sized line of the finest Peruvian Chiva I will singlehandedly provide enough material for your children’s blogs and you children’s children’s blogs.
LG: Basically what Tommy would define as a humble expectation
Laser (To Malibu): If you don’t hit 5 homeruns and catch two perfect games you’ve overhyped it

Misc.
Laser: I hate when I want to fuck a girl and then you tell her that and she acts really mean after
Daniels: I hate when you want to fuck a girl but she sees your wedding ring but then she doesn’t care but now you do so you end up just making more room in the spank bank.

LG: I missed out on some good stuff when you guys were D’Antonoing the Black Sox and Sea Lions. Guess what I wasn’t doing? Padding stats.

Coach Everchill: What is hh?
Dan: What is ppl?

LG: Jesus…I’m not the fucking lifeguard for this shit you are all going to have to learn to swim on your own.
LG: And some (Tom) may drown in the process

Everchill: Wife making me watch something called “the artist”. Fuck me.
Everchill: I’m pretty sure this is a silent film. Fuck me twice.
Everchill: Take a pic. Tell her its for a guy watching a fucking silent movie who might off himself at any minute.
Everchill: The least you fucks could do is send pics of wool
Everchill: Fuck.My.Black.And.White.Life.
Malibu Castle: The Artist? Not if we’re talking about base running.
Malibu Castle: More like the arsonist

Danger: Worst news ever: Morgan is on a date with someone from the Black Sox.
Danger: Worse news: he told her they beat us.
Danger: Fuck those guys.

Laser: Fraser state your position
LG: What?
LG: I have to decide between you or Tom? Easy. You bc you’re my boy and Tom can handle the rejection.
Consulting: I can totally understand the call

Malibu Castle: Dan!! I can’t believe you think I don’t like Homosexuals!!!

Danger: I’m at Safeway. Had to pay 20 bucks for plan b. use caution when drunk and having sex in your shower.
Danger: fml
Sneaky Pete: Thata boy Hirsch. L’chaim
Danger: I almost knocked an ugly chick up. Oh noo

Consulting: I still can’t believe that guy stayed at the table with all of the madness that was encroaching upon his personal space. Awesome

Malibu Castle: Reading all the blogs. Todd boned a chick in a bathroom?
Toddamus: She was awesome. Left sleeve tattoos and multiple private piercings. The magic happened to “blue jeans and white t-shirts.” Best 27 seconds of my life.
Ba(Na)2 Bread: Gives new meaning to “hittin the ham” huh?
Laser: Uh. Gives it its first meaning to me. Never heard of that
Daniels: Likewise

Email Fun!
LG: Fuck you Conner, you're wasting your talent by not participating. And don't act like you're above this shit, you lived in your car.
Bradley Cooper: slashing pucks with danger in la mission. #irony #slumpbusters. yearning to get on the shitter twitter.(rizzo currently being rizzo. full leather, gold, yankee hat, 4 loco)
Bradley Cooper: That guy bleeds Italiano!

Daniels: That guy bleeds doubles off the wall
Malibu Castle: And he just bleeds from sliding on the turf trying to get to 3rd base on a 4th out.

*Save the Date*
Official Tsunami Team Outing: Jenna Jameson at The Gold Club Thursday Aug 2 at 7pm.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Jon Danger Hirsch doesn’t give a fuck about two months ago

Jon Danger Hirsch doesn’t give a fuck about two months ago, he lives in the here and now. A game blog from May? Please. Whole families of herpes have moved from under his yellowed, muddied Jockeys to Rizzo’s pencil stache in less time. So let’s let LG catch us up to 3/4 of a season and get back to real time: Cuba, hookers at fishbowl, trannies at Circa, Hirsch comment of the year, LG pregame week tirades on here, Jim’s pot tragedy, Abbott bomba, my cat-like barehand, Cam’s hook slide, screeching cunt fans, ba(na)2, Bradley cooper outbursts, Abbotts mid STRIDE outburst.
Yep, that about does it.

The rest is just details:

Tsunami 11, Black Sox 2
Please, your grumpy veteran right fielder does not like suggestions on his outfield positioning. But in retrospect, the extended mid-play ball-chasing bird made it all worthwhile.

Tsunami 12, Black Sox 2
How do you teach that ball who’s boss? Throw it into the ground, motherfucker! Give that bitch a taste of the turf. (yes, I know this was actually game 1, with Rizzo covering first, but nothing at all happened game 2). Oh shit, I almost forgot: there was this: My name is Kirby Daniels, and I’m a rally killer. And my name is Black Label, and I’m a rally killer. (even if Omaha correctly pointed out he was balking)

Tsunami 13, Blue Claws 4
It doesn’t matter if the wool has big boobies and a purple dress, you guys. If the wool sounds like Fran Drescher riding a seatless bike down a cobblestone hill, she’s not worth it. PASS.

Phitans 3, Tsunami 0
My name is Rizzo, and I’m a rally-killer.
My name is Black Label, and I’m a rally-killer.

Tsunami 13, Sea Lions 4
My name is Jake Taylor, and I’m a rally-killer. (Of course, this one isn’t fair. The truth is the umpire totally fucked Coach over. Totally. Truthfully. For real. I’M BEING DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS HERE, YOU GUYS. THERE’S ABSOLUTELY NO WAY COACH SHOULD BE EXPECTED TO TAKE ONE MODICUM OF RESPONSIBILITY FOR GETTING CAUGHT STEALING FIRST. None. Let’s just drop this. I’m so sick of you guys not getting the point. AND THERE’S NO WAY COACH WOULD AIR OUT A TEAMMATE IN THE SAME POSITION. None. Moving on.)

Tsunami 3, Dons 2
Tom is the worst. Tom is the best. (note: he’s still the worst)

Tsunami 10, Benders 3
Every time you sleep with a midget, you get an infield single.

Benders 7, Tsunami 1
The one solid single? Outlaw Chu. Fuckin A right, buddy. The only other single? Daniels. (yikes)

Daniels: Pujols coming up with the biggest set of HR blue balls in MLB history.
Coach Taylor: Best 42 y/o season on the books tho.
Rizzo: Check the Pujols profile o my site. The elephant balls should match nicely with this horse cock.

Rizzo: I just don’t get what you guys see in sports. I’ll take the Kardashians all day.

Autocorrect: Weaver at 87-89 throws a no no. I think Fraser should make a comeback. Kenny Powers style!

Rizzo: This woman in the waiting room is white fucking noise. Thank god they just called her in. I was about to go all delmon young on her hass.
Black Label: Nahh go dimitri young . . . as she’s going by just CRACK with a bat.
Rizzo: I think you’re referring to Randall Simon
Black Label: Ahh yes… The idea still remains . . . Hit and run.

Black Label: Any of you fellas heard of this Josh Hamilton kid? Decent looking swing, he could be a player someday.
LG: Must’ve backdoored a groupie.
Black Label: Or a Viking. That’s what the greeks do.

Auto: We should sign Jamie Moyer. Just got released.
Daniels: He’s a year older than Consulting tho
Coach Taylor: And I throw harder
Toddamus: False

Daniels: Cano should wear earplugs and have his mom throw next time.
Rizzo: They quoted him after saying he was having trouble seeing his dads bp cuz it was coming in so much harder than Bruce Chen's.

The 2012 Tsunami Know Women

Vinnie Chase: This girl just told Rizzo he blew it
Vinnie Chase: And he did the dance
Rizzo: Whatever

LG: Surprising Tom has garnered so many nicknames and none involve butt sex. God does work in mysterious ways.
Daniels: You talking about Back Door?

Auto: On the shuttle next to a humongous chick right now that smells like locker room. Should I get the team out of our slump?
Danger: We talking rally hog size?
Auto: Yeah rally hog size. Thanks for sitting next to me sweetheart. Now my face is pressed against the class.

Consulting: Bernice is badass
Consulting: She performs….. Hardcore
Consulting: Confirmed
Consulting: She I’d fucking 86
Consulting: Is that is. Autocorrect
LG: Is Jim saying he would bang Bernice? Can we get a ruling on the field here?
Consulting: She is hot
Consulting: Seriously. Could imagine an 86 year old vagina?
Consulting: That’s hogging
LG: Lot of history there

Rizzo: Been thru 2 world wars
Consulting: Could you even imagine. She came out of a vagina shorty after WW1
Consulting: Fucking WW. Prussia and shit

Rizzo: You’re talking Model T pussy
Consulting: Ya buddy

Auto: Whoaaaa hahaahahaha. Just opened this up. Not to mention what big red could probably do once she took out her teeth and went to town

Auto: The x ray said Chlymidia? Weird!

Taylor: Who hit in the 2-hole last night?
Daniels: I hogged on pornhub
Taylor: Daniels jumped on a virtual grenade!

Taylor: Bananas smell bad
Danger: So do vaginas but you don’t hear me complaining when I get some that’s moist.

Fuck The Baseball!: I just yelled "wool here" in a hotel lobby. I think they missed the point... They all looked at me, not the "scenery". Weird...

LG: Where is the embarrassment of blog riches that was promised btw?!
Black Label: Agreed. There hasn't been adequate public humiliation of my social life in a while
LG: Seriously. Just a bunch of recycled quotes from old movies and a couple of volume shooters laying a house made of bricks.

Toddamus: You can't get pregnant from special no hitter sex

Danger: I got hustled out of 40 bucks by two whores from Reno. They said they were Australian and I look like Channing tatum. Waschoe county hookers are the wooorrrrsssstt.

The 2012 Tsunami Know Racism

Rizzo: I’m all in on squirts tonight.
Taylor: I heard you were seeking purple vag.
Auto: I’ve beer had chocolate but I want a taste so bad

Auto: I love how my autocorrect turns “tons” into “Tina” but yet it leaves Dildo alone
Auto: As in “the bachelor dildo’d Tina who’s real name was Lashawda”
Black Label: No autorcorrect suggestions for Lashsawda I see
Auto: Apparently my phone is black

Auto: And Hirsch that is the best comment of the day. Jews are born funny like black guys are born fast. The same way my Mexcian ass can get a girl pregnant by looking her in the eye.

Autocorrect: At an Indian Casino in Roseville. This is the exact opposite of Avicii. No wool and nothing but rednecks, degenerates, and gambling old asian people
Autocorrect: $225 up. I'll take these engines money all day baby.
Autocorrect: And throw in a chew of redman just to be a dick!

Rizzo: The double donga!? What the fuck did I do to deserve this guys?!
Rizzo: I’m blaming it on Tom either way.
Black Label: Rule #2 of 3: it’s always Tom’s fault.
Auto: Wow I’m wearing it right now
Rizzo: Sal clearly doesn’t understand how the program works.

Rizzo: And btw I’m calling a glass company today to come fix the door in our apartment that you shattered. And you’re paying for it. I’ve given you 5 weeks.
Black Label: Completely fair

Black Label: That recipe is a goddamn family secret!!!

Danger: Didn’t OD. Been resting up in my masterbatorium for tsunami party tm. I miss the shit out of you guys. I’m free after sundown tomorrow night.
Rizzo: He’s back!
Danger: Or if anyone wants to get cultural tomorrow I’ll be hosting challah and blow at my house.
Danger: I mean challah and brisket
Danger: Wait no I don’t

Black Label: Consulting, bring beer (me, I have cash to repay you so don't be stingy) and weed (Daniels and Rizzo)

Black Label: No other takers for the tickets?
Rizzo: Sorry Tom. All booked up. Currently getting high as the northern lights then from 5-6 fappin under my roommates covers then problem drinking from 6 to close.
Rizzo: Booked solid.

Danger: I’m not ready to hear Abbott bitch about being hungover after having a glass or two of really expensive whiskey when I shitcan plastic flasks of whiskey every weekend. Sorry just won’t have it you guys.

Quinoa: New guy has a Xmas wreath on his front door. Good or bad?

LG: I’m anything but sweet but I’d take the ball before or after you any day, just as long as we got to war together
Rizzo: HOO-RAH MOTHER FUCKERS!
Auto: Wow Fraser really gobbled the cock there

LG: Shut up Tom, I see you typing

Rizzo: LG, I'm ready to party. I'm in the mish alone though cuz Hirsch said let's party then made dinner plans

Coach: May all your siblings fuck hogs with republican hippie parents with no sense of their own ironic retardation.

LG: Dan missed Abbott's bomba, Rizzo absent for Tom's yahtzee. This means I'm due next time Tommy misses a game to go raving, right?

Rizzo: Toms hit some big home runs in his career. Fucked some real uggos too.

Autocorrect: If we played a game without a base running mistake that would defy quantum physics and tear a hole in the universe
Autocorrect: But I'll settle for Tom D tear holes in buttholes and hitting game winning hits! That a baby!
Lawn: He's tearing midget butt holes
Daniels: He will live Forever

Autocorrect: We should ease Steve in on the group me. He seems like a nice upstanding guy. He might run for the hills

Autocorrect: Abbot could totally jerk off to Fraser's picture tonight

Autocorrect: I saw at our BBQ we have two races. Our "fast guys" and all the Jake Taylors
Jake Taylor: There is nothing tragic about my wheels.
Autocorrect: My strategy is to have Dan throw his hands up and tell you it's a false start so Ivan run away with it

Danger: Listen you guys. I just got home from work. Sorry I didn't get back to you tommy but I just turned down a fat line primo booger suger cause I know we have to play 2 tomorrow. If that's not dedication then I don't don't what is. I fucking love you guys. Abbott bring a bucket of water tomorrow morning.

Black Label: Can anyone confirm (1) Tommy is alive or (2) if he's incarcerated? This lack of response is beginning to cause concern.
LG: Be careful what you wish for. I fully anticipate a nauseating flurry of annoying EDC texts, FB updates, and emails about how EPIC the underage rave was and how much electronic music fills his soul with ecstasy.

Rizzo: Wish someone could hang out at sfo with me so I didn't feel like such a piece of shit.

Autocorrect: This is text message exchange with me and an old coworker. This is why I liked my last job so much better than this pussy tech shit
Him: (1/2)
No shit. Th (2/2)
At is why chicks get wildly jealous . . . they know that if there is a willing mout/pussy that a dude is gonna pop off.
A cat can only take so
(1/2)
much from a (2/2)
mouse before the cat has to kill that cunty mouse. Promise.
Me: hahahahaahaha!!!!!!
Me: he can stop chasing pussy but if it chases (1/2)
us . . . . “ah pulled (2/2)
A hamstring”
Him: Yeah… odd that my dick gets hard for just any bitch that wants it to.
Him: I once new a slutty chick that claimed (1/2)
she had ne (2/2)
ver seen a limp dick bc dudes were hard whenever it was whipped out. Kind mad sense.
Him : God. That slut had some tits too.
Him: I hope (1/2)
this entire tx (2/2)
t exchange gets posted on a billboard.
Rizzo: This is an abomination Sal.
Autocorrect: I forwarded the entire text. It formatted weird because it’s group me.
Rizzo: All I know is a mouse fucked a cat.

Auto: I have no idea how I am at my office right now. Vegas definitely won that fight!

Daniels: Cmon boys keep the posts coming. I’m dying at a violin and cello recital.
Auto: That sounds like I’d rather pop Tex Damn than go to that.

Autocorrect: Reason #500 why My office reminds me of when I played for the Baysox. Eating a team lunch and I say " yeah they should stock up the kitchen with 5 hour energy so we don't get food comas" And guy next to me says " what if you took 5 at the same time, I mean there's only 24 hours in a day so it would defy quantum physics and you might put a hole in the universe" Everyone dies laughing like its a Fraser quote. I replied "try taking 5 packets of bath salts."

Autocorrect: No. I would rather text you guys than join in the conversation taking place at the next table on my lunch break

Coach: Are we all shitting at the same time?

The 2012 Tsunami Know Demon Spawn

Rizzo: At the docs trying to talk him into stickin a needle in me to deftertilize my demon scapula spawn.
Daniels: Guest blogger: demon spawn.
Auto: That thing looks like the little guy in Total Recall Coming out the stomach . . .”Quaid ……. Quaid !!!”

Rizzo: Tried to stick a needle in it.
Rizzo: It bled but nothing really newsworthy.
Quinoa: Pics or it didn’t happen
Auto: I just threw up . . . why didn’t the doc drain baby Quaid?
Quinoa: Hung dam lives to see another day

Rizzo: Wasn't a pimple dick it was the devil's spawn because my cut fastball that day was from hell.

Danger: Was there a little after-shock puss left in the tent after the initial mount saint hung eruption?

Rizzo: Also, Abbott, if I hadn't lined the basepaths till 4 am with danger the evening before then let hung dam serve up cockshots in his swan song outing we would have won by 8. There is but one person to blame for that and he burst in Boonville.

LG: Where do I begin? First off this has been a most enjoyable thread, especially considering the fucking wasteland it’s been since we had an actual game and gave a fuck. Your welcome for the compliment btw. Second, Hirsch just chimed in with the fucking quote of the year, honoring a long tradition of funny Jews. Third, are we getting back to winning games, taking names, wearing jorts, blowing lines, and telling everyone else to suck it like we used to? BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I FUCKING SIGNED UP FOR!!!

Worth A Second Look

Coach Taylor: Bananas smell bad
Danger: So do vaginas but you don’t hear me complaining when I get some that’s moist.

These Things Were Said, Too, But Out Loud or Email:

Cooper: “I just can’t get enough Salvaterrio, man. Ah, he’s like a drug.”

Cooper: “Tommy’s in Vegas? This team is an absolute mess.”

Tu-Lin: “Games I will miss: July 14th. July 28th. August 4th. I will be back for the playoffs though. After 10 days of boozing in Mexico. I hear that settles one in the box though.”

Cooper: Just wake up and get through the day. That’s my philosophy. Just grind.”

Cooper: “Moving out of my car next Sunday, man. My life is on the up and up.”

Your Little Known Tsunami Historical Fact of the Week:
The silver lining to Coach’s CS-1B? Omaha Morton: still the only Tsunami with a successful S-1B. Against the Benders, no less. Two years ago.

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

John Danger Hirsch doesn’t give a fuck about his personal hygiene

John Danger Hirsch doesn't give a fuck about his personal hygiene, gentlemen, but he does care about team unity, sacrifice, support and good baseball karma. And your hygiene. So Danger will not abide us skirting the issue: jock itch is a yeast infection. Ok? Same thing as the ladies, yeah, just what happens on innies vs. outies. So don't blame the jorts. Clearly the jorts had momentum, rally and heart. Just too bad Autocorrect's and Vinnie Chase's yeast infections prevented them from jorting with the rest of the team. Chronic bad karma. Thanks for failing to unite with your team and pissing off the baseball gods who then sent us umpires who got rejected from Tulane.
Fog 4, Tsunami 3
We blew it.

Fog 15, Tsunami 14
We blew it. But then we unblew it. Then we blew it again. But then we couldn't unblow it enough.

For The Team
Jake Taylor: That infield had been looking to hit somebody all day, and finally it was Coach who had the courage to stand up and head-butt it right in the eyes between first and second base. Learn, dirt. Back off next time.

Bump Kings
There are no hill heroes in a loss.

Big Hot Sticks
See Bump Kings.

Glove Kings
See Sticks, Big Hot.

Larceny
We suck at running the bases, you guys. Suck. We’re not even close to poor, bad or underwhelming. We tease and taunt and tickle and then polish and swallow a big fat baserunning dick. Fact. Both games could’ve been won without two players getting doubled off of second on hits to the outfield.

Saying let’s got station to station, be conservative, having LG yell at everyone don’t seem to work. So let's try a new approach and have a fun review of Tsunami stealing Base Cuatro over the years.

Tsunami with NON-effective SFNABA steals of home:

2010: Jake Taylor, perhaps confusing the characters of Major League, putting a bright bow on a 22-3 loss to end the 2010 season with Danger at bat, two outs, 2-0 count. Situation: Danger's third at-bat of the season. Catcher tagged him, well, let’s say closer to home than third. Money quote, Danger: "Are you SERIOUS, MIKE?"

2011: Laser, at Moscone, in the sandbox. Almost safe. Very close play. Definitely ten feet closer to home than Coach Taylor. Situation: bases loaded, two outs, down 1. Guy who looks a lot like Bradley Fucking Cooper at the plate. Money quote, Danger: "DON'T SWING, DON'T SWING! DON"T SWING!"

Tsunami with effective SFNABA steals of home:

2007: Daniels. Callahan had the slowest wind-up in the league and Daniels had just been traded by Rowe to the Artichoke Joe’s of San Bruno for one game. No player to be named later. Daniels, with five game sfor the Tsunami under his belt, was none to happy with Old Quinoa Rowe about the trade and decided to hit a triple onto the softball field at Moscone. He then looked Strong Wang square in the eye and requested the green light if his former and future teammate Callahan went from the windup. As anyone who’s found themselves at the bottom of a pack of Chesterfields in a San Bruno casino come daybreak can attest, Wang does not shy away from the gamble. “Go,” was all he said. Safe by a mile. Fuck you, Tsunami. FU, Rowe. Artichoke Joe’s 4, Tsunami 3.

These Things Were Said Somewhere in the Tsunami Stratosphere Sometime Remotely Close to This Game

Carozza: “Embrace your hogs, boys, they will feed you come winter.”

Black Label: “I'm not sure I agree. If he was stealing home, why is there no panicked screaming of "DON'T SWING!! DON'T SWING!!!!" by the runner as he comes down the line??

Autocorrect: “So since we're having a "I fucked a fat chick.....not anonymous" meeting I figured I would show you the fat pig I roasted. We nicknamed her Margaret Chow.”