Thursday, October 27, 2011

I've always been a better writer,Through my pain and suffering.Putting blast on the truthTo express what I feel.Diggin deep within my soul Yanking out my real,Shit is ill.Sometimes I feel likeI was blessed with a gift and a curse,Still searching for my self worthAnd on my journey through it allI still want to tell you that I love you.My words never seem to flowThe way I really them to.Whenever I try to expressWhat you mean to meSee,It was rare for me to find my happy faceIn a world I felt cold in.Should of told youabout the illmatics that I faced,But I really wanted you to love meAs I did you,And eventually you did....I'm not one to praise man for anythingbecause I believe in a higher power,But I thank you,And I shower you with my loveFor putting trust in meEven when I couldn't put it in myself,You were my help.Held my hand when I was afraidNever let it goNever showed me that you gave a fuckAbout the things I didn't know.Always shared your knowledgeEven at times I didn't want to accept itYou were patientDelibrant, Self-conscious on how you spoke to a woman that was brokenHolding on to your hope that she can be fixedNot realizing that you became my piece makerGluing me back together as if it was easy,Giving meaning to a life that had none at all,Never letting me fall,Or give up.Yes, I want to be the one to give you everythingNot because I only owe youBut because I love you

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The come upThe feeling starts in my feet then exits out my mouthlike throw up.Enough said.Known me for yearsand still wonders what flows threw my headDon't worry, I contemplate on it toothe only difference is I forget about itand it flows through my ink that scribbles down on my padI wish I could gain a complete understandingbut God wishes for me to learn the lessonand refuses to just throw me answersSo I gotta keep pushingaiming at that goal that started all the questions,I thank Him for my blessingsand for continuing to keep me grounded,even in the midst of the houndsI got aroundSaw the light at the end of the tunneland although I haven't reached it yet, I'm coming.I'm not forgotten nor forsaken, I'm running.The world was never the hindranceit was only myselfbut I'm coming.Learning, fighting, dyingthen reviving myself still reaching for the lightI'm coming.Never to hold my head down again,never to mistake those as friendsI'm coming.And once I get thereI will fly!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Went through a thousand hells,and a lot of sleepless nights.Walked a million miles barefoot,With absolutely no eye sight.Ran marathons in the rain,woken up to no sun light.Darkness, dreadfulness,and one hell of a gloomy life...It started out fatherless,a young girl searching for her soul.A daddy never present,pushed her into arms that were cold.A bastard from day one,a man who cared less to free me.Walking around with suicidal thoughts,because I felt so damn empty.School wasn't any better,kids always found a way to make things tough.I was never daddy's little girl,and my mother never made enough.Was always fighting for her attention,but she had to give it all to a job.Rarely got to see her face,but as the oldest, I couldn't sob.

So I kept it moving.....

Fourteen years old now,and this man saw me as a target.He preyed on the weak,he smiled down on the brokenhearted.An uncle she wanted to trust,because with family she felt safe.Until that sick mother fucker cupped her cheeks,and licked all over her face.Sent me back to my own hell,till this day, I never recovered.Broken, afraid of the very essence that makes me a woman,and living with a conscious that will never allow me to trust another.The very sight of him makes me sick, nauseated,I could never deny what I feel.Ripped the child right up out of me,tried to convince myself it was only a dream, but it was very real.I closed my eyes and clicked my heels, just like Dorthyand repeated "there's no place like home"But when I opened my eyes back up, I was still in the midst of my own hellfacing this shit all alone.I was stuck, traumatizedsome nights afraid to go to sleep.Had convinced myself if I dozed off,them moments will play repeat.

scorned, by another man....

She got accepted into collegeHer ticket to redefine herself.A way to step outside the box,and escape from her living hell.Excited for her life,the first time in forever.Hiding from her past years,never wanting to look back on them ever.She was determined to make a statement,show the world she was above her circumstances.And although her heart carried much weight,she wanted to believe in second chances.I know for sure that God couldn't hold me liable,He couldn't make me feel this pain for eternity. My purpose was going to reveal itself,this shit just couldn't keep hurting me.

And that's when I met him....

Christmas break,I call it the coldest winter ever.I played right into his arms,and fell for any words that were clever.Five months laterI called myself a wife.at 18 years old I gotten married to a man,and had no real experience out of life.I thought this shit was grand,someone loved me enough to make me thiers.For years I had been searching for love,and he was the first to show me that he cared.So in my mind I was winning,I stayed right by his side.Even after the chokeingand blacking of my eyes.You couldn't tell me that he didn't love me,he aplogized everytime.And although me and death were holding hands,I couldn't let him go, he was mines. Beaten..mentality all fucked up.Had quit school, turned my back on my family,so yet agian I was stuck.I played the role of his punching bag,for five fucken yearsand although I was dying, my insides cryingI couldn't cry no fucken tears.They wouldn't fall,I couldn't get them to roll down my face.That's when I realized my turning point,he had taught me how to hate.Just when I thought I could do it,turn my back and leave.I found out that same weekI had a baby inside of me.

with my concrete eyes.....

My heart started to harden,I started to forget what love was.Was in agreement I had no purpose,just walking the earth just because.I was at my lowest point,depression surrounded me,looked me in my face and told me I wasnt shitand silently, I had to agree.Nobody told me any different,I wasn't shown another way.I took what life dealt me,it wasn't much that I could say.I grew up without my father,and the shit fucked me up.I didn't want my son to grow upwith the same luck.So I stayed around,praying there would be more for mealthough I couldn't cry any tearsI felt the pain and misery.I felt this baby growing,due date getting close.Wondering if he would have the power to change his fatherand bring our little family some hope.That morning when I gave birth,I never experienced anything quite like that,But when I first looked him into his eyesI realized I had to fight back

Monday, September 5, 2011

You stretch your arms
across your bed
Smell his scent in the pillow
where he once laid his head
All fucked up inside
Or just too damn blind to see
That a man you thought was yours
left you for a better opportunity.
Found his escape in the middle of the night
while sheep were dancing through your mind
And although his heart belonged to you
he had to flee away from your kind.
He stuck with you for better or worse
A vow he intended to keep
And all the while he bust his ass
while the sheep continued to dance in your sleep.
You forgot to love him
Just always thought he'd be there
You neglected to caress his body
and show him some tender love and care.
You forgot to feed his mind, challenge his thoughts
and reach him through his soul
You lost sight on how to be a woman
To a man that loved you so.....

And I Thank You...

I really thank you so much
for refusing his gentle touch
For going to sleep
and counting your sheep
For continuing to tell him no
when he wanted to make love to you slow
For walking away
when he had something to say
For not going to church
to try and make it work
For ignoring the signs
and not cherishing the time
For throwing your fits
about little stupid shit

I Thank You..

For being caught up with your friends
and running the streets
For all the microwaveable dinners you left him to eat
For all those lonely nights
you left him abandoned
all alone in a bed
with no companion.

I Thank You..

For the forsaken love
you dumped on his heart
For ripping and shredding
his spirit apart
For letting him go
and not chasing after him
For not understanding
the true value in him

If I should diewho would care?Who would even noticethat I'm not there?Who would take onthe many dreams I sought?And who would battle lovein which many years I've fought?Who would cryin the mist of my death?Whose heart would achebecause I left?If I should diewhere would I go?Who would pray for methat to heaven I flow?If I should diewho would sidewith love for meIf I should die?

Monday, April 18, 2011

Don't cry little girlmommy is on her wayholding your baby brother in your armscant go out to play.His crying is getting louderthere's no milk in the house to feed himYour fingers he sucks is not enoughit's only a way to tease him.But don't cry baby girlbecause mommy is on her wayshe wouldn't leave you alone to fien for yourselfon this cold winter day.Your only seven years oldleft with so much responsibilitylooking in your brothers eyesfeeling the liabilityAlways knew your home was differentbecause mommy had an addictioncrack cocaine got the best of hernow afraid of your predictionswipe your tears little girlget on your knees and praymommy's been gone for a week nowdon't know if she is on her wayno one has come by to check on youto make sure you were alrightlights not on, heat cut offfreezing while you sleep every night.

still holding your brother tight.

both stomachs are emptythey've been empty for a weekbaby brother's crying getting dimmerbecause he is getting weak.So cry all you want baby girlit hurts, I feel the painfeeling stranded, left abandonedfor a bitch they call cocaine.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Why are you testing me?Undressing me with your eyes,think I can't see?A little girl on the wrong side of the tracks,looking for love, and I became your target?Clueless to the world,and what it's capable of,so I fell for it.A grown man rubbing on a little girls face,never felt right to me.Kissing me on my lips, spreading my thighs,climbing on top of me.I'm screaming out NO,I hear it in my head,replays back so intensely.A childhood gone, ones innocence vanishedall in that night that you raped me!You left me there to marinate in my own sulk, my own juicesmixed together with your filth!And I'm closing my eyes, to open them back upconvincing myself that this isn't real.But I feel....I feel the pain in my stomach,the blood on my hand,a wetness between my thighs.I feel my mind shifting,my tears dripping,my knees weak as I begin to rise.I feel the fear in my heart,my clothes ripped apart,I even feel the disgust in my mommies eyes,I feel the shame from my family,But it's all my fault,when my daddy raped me that night!

Friday, April 8, 2011

Close your eyes and picture this manenchanting chocolate skin, as he sleepsdelicate, delightful complexionhis lips, just make me so damn weaksmooth bald headhis hands filled with so much powerthe thought of his body next to minemakes me want him by the hournice tight legshis arms tighten by the griphe tosses and turns in his bedwhile my heart does flipssound asleep as he is right nowI watch his chest riseand if his eyes were openYES! they can hypnotizebut in the morning he wakes upand goes back to his wicked waysleaving me only to dreamof those bright sunny days.

I close my eyes to wonderto wonder if you still care,to wonder if you still love me,to wonder if your still there.To pray to God for peaceto rain and fall on me,to guide me through the darknessand allow my soul to be free.I close my eyes for comfortto escape my harsh reality,to find my hiding place,away from all this brutality.I close my eyes for love,in hopes of someday I shall find,but only if I chooseto stay away from your kind.I close my eyes to runto run from all the dreams that have been stripped from meto run from all this madnessto run from all this uncertaintyI close my eyes to flyto fly over all the povertyto fly over all this sadnesshigh above all this captivity.till at last, I find my landingI've escaped everything that has hurt medestroyed all the wicked in my pastuntil I can finally be free.I want no more dark days,I want to be free to rise,and when that day comes,I too, shall open my eyes.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

I get up in the morningstrying to find my destinyconfiguring my thoughtsknowing you got the best of me.It's hard to find the light,trust me, I know.when I allow you to take me placesI really don't want to go.Conformed by your thoughts,molded by your hands,construed by your kicking,controlled by your plans.Then you tell me 'I Love You',I don't know what that is.But I'm trying my hardest to pretend I do,only for my kids.To love me is to know me,and I don't even know myselfbound by your darknessscreaming out for some help.Burning in the fire,my wounds are cut deep.Laying right beside you,afraid to go to sleep.I hear the birds chirping,singing a happy song.Wish someone was there to translate,to help me get along.Crying everyday,pretending things are alright.And if I don't do something to change this,I might die tonight.Or have I died already?The person I use to know as me,is long gone in the wind.I've been trying to hold my head above water,only to find out I can't swim.Where is my life guard?Shine a little bit of light.Wipe my tears from my eyes,to show me it will be alright.Hold my hand through this pain,let me cry on your shoulder.My days are getting darker,my nights are getting colder!I no longer have a voice,when I speak, nothing comes out!I only hear the screaming inside,as my thoughts continue to shout!LET ME OUT!!!!!I have nothing left to give,everything has been stripped from me,and you still want to lay up,and tell me that you love me?JUST STOP!I can't take it anymore.living life in death,smelling the blood on these floors!I was the one who gave you life,and you want to take it from me?Choking me till I cant breath,thinking you control my destiny?God knows whats best for me.......That's why he decided to take me home....

Billy Blanks, Larry Fishburne, Wesley Snipes.... I could go on and on.

But, right now, I'm a little angry and that is why I wrote this so hurriedly.

Don't be mad with us White women

because so many of your men want us. Get your acts together and learn from us and we may lead you to treat your men better. If I'm wrong, Black men, let me know.

Disgusted White Girl, Somewhere in VA

RESPONSE Dear Jamie:

I would like to respond to the letter written by A Disgusted White Girl.

Let me start by saying

that I am a 28-year old black man.

I graduated from one of the most prestigious universities in Atlanta , Georgia with a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Business Management. I have a good job at a major corporation and have recently purchased a house.

So, I consider myself to be among the ranks of successful Black men. I will not use my precious time to slander white people. I just want to set the record straight of why Black men date white women.

Back in the day, one of the biggest reasons why black men dated white women was because they were considered easy.

The black girls in my neighborhood

were raised in the church.

They were very strict about when they lost their virginity and who they lost it to. Because of our impatience to wait,

brothers would look for someone who would give it up easy

without too much hassle.

So, they turned to the white girls.

Nowadays, in my opinion,

a lot of brothers date white women because they are docile and easy to control.

A lot of Black men, because of insecurities, fears, and overall weaknesses, have become intimidated by the strength of our Black women.

We are afraid that our woman will be more successful than us, make more money than us,

drive nicer cars and own bigger houses.

Because of this fear, many Black men look for a more docile woman. Someone we can control. I have talked to numerous Black men and they continuously comment on how easy it is

to control & walk over their white women. I just want to set the record straight. I want A Disgusted White Girl to know that not all successful Black men date white women..

And, to flip the script, there are numerous white men, in and out of the spot light, who openly or secretly desire black women over white women. Ted Danson, Robert DeNiro, and David Bowie and

Robin Thicke, to name a few.

I just don't want a disgusted white girl to be misinformed. Stop thinking that because

you are 20 and white,

you are some type of goddess.

Remember, when Black Egyptian Queens like Hatsepshut and Nitorcris were ruling Dynasties and armies of men in Egypt ,

you were over in the caves of Europe eating raw meat and beating each other over the head with clubs. Read your history! It was the Black woman that taught

you how to cook and season your food.

It was the Black woman

that taught you how to raise your children.

It was Black women who were breast feeding and raising your babies during slavery.

It is the Black woman

that had to endure watching their fathers, husbands, and children beaten, killed, and thrown in jail.

Black women were born with two strikes against them; being Black and being a woman.

And, through all this, Still They Rise!

It is because of the Black women's strength, elegance, power, love and beauty that I could never date anyone except my Black Queen.

It is not

just the outer beauty that captivates and draws me to them. It is not the fact that they come in all shapes, sizes, colors and shades that I love them..

that I find most appealing about Black women.

Their strong spirit, loving and nurturing souls,

their integrity, their ability to overcome great obstacles, their willingness to stand

for what they believe in, and their determination to succeed and reach their

highest potential while enduring great pain and suffering is why I have fallen in love with black women.

I honestly believe that your anger

is geared more toward jealousy and

envy more so than snotty looks.

If this were not so, then why do you continuously

go to tanning salons to darken your skin?

If you are so proud to be white, then why don't you just be happy

with your pale skin?

Why do you continue to inject your lips, hips,

and breasts with unnatural and dangerous substances so you can look fuller and more voluptuous like Black women?

Good Morning I think that your anger is really a result of you wanting to have what the black woman has.

BOTTOM LINE:

If I were looking for a docile woman,

someone I can walk over and control,

I would give you a call.

But, unfortunately, I am looking for a Virtuous Woman.

Someone that can be a good wife

and mother to my children.

Someone who can be my best friend and understands my struggles.

I am looking for a soul mate.

I am looking for a sister and; unfortunately, you do not and CANNOT fit the bill.

No offense taken, none given. Signed, Black Royalty Wow!! We must pass this on to

make the day of the Black Queens of our acquaintances!

SIDE NOTE: I hope everyone has learned and taking something away from this email. When I first read this, I was just in amazement at what kind of knowledge people lack, and what kind of conclusions that other races of women may jump to just because we are a strong people. I am half black and half puerto rican and I feel ...like that both sides of me carry strength no doubt. A lot of times people look at the "black race" as an angry group of people and what they fail to realize is our history. I feel like this "white woman" lacked complete knowledge of our stories and this brotha could not have responded back any more proper. When you lack knowledge about certain things you lack the ability to draw any type of conclusions. She definitely made herself look very ignorant. But one thing that I have learned is that when you don't know something, you could always do your research. No, I'm not the type of person who has a strong opinion or non tolerance for interracial dating, but I do have a low tolerance for the ignorance. Especially when I know better. I don't judge white women, in fact I'm all for uplifting all types of women, but wrong is wrong and right is right. It's not on us to judge this lady because only God can do that, but God also gave us a voice, and I will use mine!

Side Note: I dont know why women love to continually tear other women down. We should be uplifting each other every chance that we get. This was for one in particular woman who felt the need to lash out on something that I felt like was unjust and did not make since to me, but I just could not find it in myself to stoop to her level, so I choose to be a little more creative to get my feelings out. Hope you enjoyed and ladies I hope you learned something too.

NOTE: If you are a "Sista girl" or you know a Sista Girl, know that you are loved. God loves you way more than any man or woman can love you. He can bring you up when you are down, He can fill your heart when it is empty, you are NEVER alone. Prayer changes everything, and I promise (and i am one who does not like to make promises that I cant keep) But I truly promise from the bottom of my heart that when you call on Jesus, He may not be there when you want him, but He is always on time. God loves you, I love you, now it's time to take the time out to love yourself.

About Me

Im down to earth, I try to be as honest as I can be. Im big on family, Im devoted to my faith and my loved ones. Aug. 17th makes me a Leo. I truly believe time is of the essence, I live my life day by day cherishing every moment I can with the ones I love. I enjoy writing poetry, I love spoken word. But like erykah bydu once said: "just remember that I am an artist and I am sensitive about my shit" Lol. I just enjoy being different. I am an easy person to get along with. If you dont like me more than likly you have a problem within yourself because I love everybody! As long as you can appreciate honesty, loyalty, and silliness you would love me!