Balancing Privilege With Pride

I am a privileged person. I am white, able-bodied, straight and grew up in a rural area of a first-world country with both parents and access to education. In the lottery of life I am pretty darned lucky with my God-given face-value lot.

But I am also a woman in world that favours men, a single parent who, six years ago, suffered from acute post-natal depression and anxiety. I don’t have a degree and a short time ago was jobless and relying on benefits to support myself and my two children.

And I find it increasingly hard to balance these two versions of myself.

Admittedly it’s only recently, mostly through the community and gentle education of Instagram, that I’ve been truly aware of the privilege I’ve enjoyed. My parents may not have supported my cis white butt through expensive London internships so I could break into the media world – I battled my way in via crap entry-level sales jobs instead – but I have always had the safety net that, should the shit hit the fan, I could call them up and borrow a couple of hundred quid to keep me going.

(Though I spent an uncomfortable few months surviving in a toxic cycle of payday loans in my early twenties because I was just too proud to ask for their help).

I’ve never known the absolute unfairness of being denied job opportunities or common courtesy because of the colour of my skin, though I’ve fought through both gender-led work-based sexual harassment and discrimination.

My religion – I have none – has never prompted strangers to shout abuse unprompted at me on the street. But I’ve experienced my fair share of intimidating and threatening behaviour from males.

I’ve never been hired on a zero-hour contract with no guarantee of work and fluctuating benefits. But I am self-employed with no dependable income because it was too logistically hard to go back to work, particularly with a daughter who has chronic medical needs.

I’m privileged, but like so many others that privilege has been tempered with a fair whack of tricky life circumstance.

***

Last week I chatted on Instagram about how I’d worked a difficult sixty-hour week which led to me taking an hour to myself to have a manicure. It’s a big part of what I teach in my courses; to nurture yourself to so you are able to nurture others. “Put your own oxygen mask on before anyone elses!” I say. “You can’t pour from an empty cup!”.

For me on that hard-working Friday, my nurturing involved getting a £30 manicure. Six years ago my nurturing would have meant a bath and a £3 magazine. But the principle is the same: I wanted to feel like I’d spent an hour just thinking about myself – not my kids, not my clients, not my students – MYSELF. Because if I don’t take that time to stroke my own hair I’m not able to stroke anyone else’s effectively.

Is that a weird metaphor? Maybe. You understand.

“Authenticity and vulnerability are traits that are non-negotiables both online and off”

After this story about the manicure I had a DM from someone I’d been friendly with previously, telling me how ignorant I am of my privilege, and how do I think it would make single mums working zero hour contracts feel when they saw me taking more ‘me time’ having just come back from a holiday?

I wrote back saying it was never my intention to make anyone feel bad, but that as this is my Instagram account it is a space for me to recount the things that happen in my individual life. Which, six years ago, was single motherhood, mental health and benefits. But now, is building my business and manicures.

“Authenticity and vulnerability are traits that are non-negotiables both online and off: this is my current truth”, I said in a DM. “I am intensely aware of my privilege but I need to balance that with pride, confidence and real-life, too”.

The parting shot I received was how the ex-Instagram follower was looking forward to the Instagram bubble busting soon, so I and other influencers would get what we deserved for shilling snake oil, which I felt invalidated the conversation somewhat.

But it’s still left me thinking hard on this subject of privilege, pride and advocacy.

Like so many of us I’m out here doing my best in what is an increasingly difficult world. I’m lucky in so many ways to be born in this country, in this body, to my family: but at the same time as recognizing the step-up my life circumstance has given me I don’t want to disregard the effort and grit it’s taken to travel the path to where I am today.

“That’s what’s driven me from the start of my journey as a single parent, when I realised I had a voice that had been subdued”

I’m not slogging my guts out on the front line of the NHS and I am completely in awe of those who do. But I did spend the early years of my children’s lives working three jobs so I’d have the knowledge and experience to start my own business. I’m not working with children’s or women’s charities, making tangible changes in the lives where people need it most. But I am trying so very hard to demonstrate to women who perhaps feel as hopeless as I once did that it’s achievable to pivot your life to be happier than you ever believed possible.

That’s what’s driven me from the start of my journey as a single parent, when I realised I had a voice that had been subdued. I have wanted to connect, shout louder, empower women to reach for the stars. And by god have I realised it’s so much easier for some to do that than others, but it’s a situation that’ll never get better unless we all of us listen and learn with open minds and hearts

I can’t change the world but I can do my best to make my tiny portion of it that little bit rosier for those I touch.

The guilt I feel at the fact I was born with privilege will never abate: it’s something I notice and appreciate daily. It is my promise that I will continue to educate myself and my kids on how we can be allies in the best way we know how.

Great blog post. You’re completely correct to acknowledge your start in life as a bit of a ‘leg up” but there are a whole bunch of people who waste the same opportunities that good fortune brings. You don’t need to explain yourself. As the saying goes the harder people work the ‘luckier’ they are ?. Keep on keeping on xx

I very much enjoyed reading this blog post – well done for finishing it!! The mentality of others does sadden me often though – I 100% think you deserved (and continue to deserve) me time – no matter your situation. If you had to consider every single potential follower and their life situation then you wouldn’t be able to say anything! If people don’t like it the unfollow button is there, there’s just no need to be an arse.
I for one will continue to enjoy your content and blogs as I like your values and the way you write.
That is until I think you’re not personally thinking about how what you are saying effects me individually then I’ll be out. (Joking, of course ?)
xx

Weird one. Its all so ‘of this time’ these phrase – work life balance, me time…… etc etc I see both sides of this & as a parent of teens seeing how social media & instagram have a massive part of their lives – I believe the term is that they are ‘digital natives’ I do wonder & worry about the effect instagram for example has on them. A manicure, images of lifestyle & whatever else, it all seems easily obtainable & perhaps essential? Going off topic here a bit but there is a link, especially with instagram being almost a job in itself with the entire influencer/sales market.
Well done you for being able to afford the lifestyle you created & as you alluded, you are fortunate to have the support & relationship with both your family & children’s father.
Enjoy your manicure – you are not only treating yourself but employing someone else skill & craft – no bad thing.

What an interesting post and debate. Thanks for reminding me that we are privileged and fortunate. You’re so encouraging and insightful and I found your recent stories and webinar helpful and inspirational.

Instagram is a medium and platform. We still have free speech and the seeming need to feel offended is a shame. You use it to tell your reality. Hopefully you can nurture and encourage others to aim high.

I think the comment you were left says a lot about the person who left it – maybe they were having a bad day and for whatever reason you touched a nerve. Agree it’s an odd one and very ‘now’ to justify your privilege (if indeed you feel you have it).

It seems mad to me that it’s deemed ok to tell someone off on something they post. I’d just unfollow if I was that bothered by it. I too had a decent start-I’ve also battled issues and problems.

Live and let live – all you can do is your best with the hand that life dealt you.

Great honest post! You are completely right, you have to nurture yourself first before the others as you can’t pour from an empty cup. Hence, I try to look after myself before my son! it’s hard but I think it’s the right thing to do. x

Great post, interesting read – as always. You have a gift Alice of writing so well and bringing up issues that many face everyday, but might not have the courage/scope to discuss with those around them – your posts are down to earth and always give me a lift and inspire me, thank you!