Like this:

Let’s not confuse settling down with settling in. One is an end, the other a beginning. There’s an implied discomfort with settling down, at least for me there is, an implied restricted constriction of blood that flows to the important parts. A little PTSD, trauma induced by expectations labeled security, marriage and tradition.

Let’s look at settling in.

It’s that shimmy of the hips when you are in bed with someone who spoons with you…the movement that can mean a comfort arranging snuggle position or an invitation to full on, full-bloomed love making frenzy…a snuggle that lead to the latter if you are settled in.

It’s that time when you leave the door open, relieve yourself, wipe and wash hands and don’t close the door. That’s settled in. NO. IT’s NOT. Don’t fool yourself.

Settling in is when you move in syncopated harmony in a two-ass kitchen. You know, the tiny kitchen that you have in your first place where there is really not room for two chefs but it is so romantic to cook together, to cut the onions because they make her cry or simply because you have to have them cut in a certain way and you know she’ll just butcher them and then your mouth will have to feel small onions and big onions and it will mess with your tastebuds and your whole fucking experience of shared kitchen tasks.

Oh, that settling in…it’s when you make a plan for an 9am yoga practice followed by coffee and you find yourself awake at 6am and fully aware that you have to either roll over and wake him up from a soft, flaccid, non-wet dream moment and make him grow in your mouth and create a major bed-shaking all out crazy morning of love-making where the sheets slide off the end of the bed, the pillows get jammed between the mattress and the headboard and when your alarm goes off at 8 you hit the dismiss so fast that the yoga instructor knows you are not showing up today because you are getting your downward dog on and do.not.need.an.instructor.

That’s settling in.

She figured that settling down was overrated, oddly, she still found herself aiming for it. WTH?

Like this:

Let’s not take for granted the person who is there for us in the night.

Let’s not take for granted the years of service, and loving care and encouragement that sustains a marriage, a partnering, a lifetime of mess ups.

Let’s not take for granted the sunrise when we know sometimes the day is full on grey and the clouds aren’t going to scatter but we are still going to sit here waiting for them to break simply because we did a good thing yesterday.

Let’s not take for granted the difference we make in someone’s life in that time between solitude and loneliness.

Like this:

Written in response to a coffee shop conversation and one of those a-ha moments. The more I talk with people the more I realize very few of us are content. We are all searching for the next thing— constantly trying to find where we are supposed to be, maybe forgetting to live in the moment right then and there and learn whatever we are supposed to learn from that time.

1) a partner should treasure your person, be kind to your heart and mind and fears, and welcome expressions of sexual interest

2) a partner should feel confident in expressing his/her fears, needs, opinions, successes and future plans and be allowed to retain ownership of his/her own mental property

3) a partner should be a good friend; the friendship should be self-regulating without need for policing, shame or judgement

4) a partner should have interests and passions and goals and friendships outside of the main relationship which may or may not include the other;

CUT: attention should be paid to ensuring friendships/close business partners be the same gender or interactions should occur in the dynamic of couple to couple when gender is not the same.

FOR USE IN RELATIONSHIPS WITH BREECHES of TRUST

a) Recipients who get the time and attention of one of the partners should be fully aware of the relationship status and partners should be confident in saying, “i’m hanging out with so and so today, give them a call and let them know it’s okay with you and that I am loved by you.” In other words, “Please know this is my partner in life, I treasure him/her, respect this public partnership by sticking to the traditional boundaries afforded to it.”

b) Maybe a better way to say it is- Hold each other accountable with proclamation of love and the give, the acceptance of the value of interaction with other people, but without jealousy.

5) Marriages require attention, investment and flexibility during times of growth and change. Confident partners belie in learning and exploration in as many areas as possible to allow each to become their fullest and best selves

6) Partners should encourage and support expression and exploration of external family and history and dynamics that feel unhealthy or uncomfortable

7) Both partners should be joyful, able to demonstrate physical and emotional joy in each others presence and be examples of respect and tolerance to the other and evoke both an ease of conversation and radiate positive energy/spirit when the other is present

8) Love ebbs and flows, passion ebbs and flows, but through all of those ups and downs there is a commitment to meeting the emotional needs of a partner even when the physical needs aren’t in sync.

9) confrontations and arguments should be avoided, but constructive pauses, with requests for clarification and the belief that the intent of the others comments/actions are rooted in goodness and kindness should occur and should be encouraged. This should allow diffusion of angry or controlling actions/ moments.

10) Creative solutions rather than dumbing down to the lowest common denominator should be explored, pursued and preferred to promote best parenting practices (if raising children together is a factor) . Beyond child rearing, creative solutions to meet a variety of emotional and physical and mental needs of the partners should be explored and vetted, attempted and implemented without embarrassment or manipulation.

Like this:

It’s not the plateau she’s trying to reach, the one with the little table set up for two with champagne flutes and caviar.

She’s looking for the finger holds, the dip in the wall where the big toe fits, the curve into the side of a mountain offering respite, the one she presses herself into, flat and panting, where she prays the sweep of the gaze doesn’t detect the roundness of her backside against the rocky surface to which she now clings.

Belay on.

There’s goodness in her world. She is the root of it.

Belay off.

Her limbs reach out for to her circle of women. She hears their stories. They nod, knowingly. They try to preserve the normalcy. Some are brutally honest. Some want for her what they didn’t want for themselves. No one has answers, but they have her back.

Belay on.

Her friend tells her that in Russia, everyone has a starter marriage. It is common to have the marriage of first loves, the fairytale connection that screams soul-mate, the fantasy of white wedding dresses, perfect children and date nights all contained by a white picket fence and a family dog guarding.

Belay off.

And then they leave all of it.

.

What she needs now is laughter and lost-ness and a harness of patience thrown over her shoulders.

.

#for Ret. Pictures courtesy of reincarnation. She was a flapper once, danced with gin in hand to the jazz band. Images courtesy of the web.