DEAR LAZY COLLEGE KIDS: Here’s 5 Reasons Employers HATE You

I don’t know a business owner schlepping this rock, who has a company that he wants to succeed, who would knowingly hire… a wussy.

For certain, some do hire wussies for various stupid and regretful reasons. However, if they could, in a perfect world, most would avoid employing a man-child like Trump would flee from a Wet T-Shirt Contest featuring Rosie O’Donnell and her pasty and droopy stalactites and her gelatinous, bulbous gut.

Further, I don’t know any individuals that want to dole out their hard earned cash and purposely contract out some dilatory dolt to do any job, big or small.

Yea, dear reader, when it comes down to handling a company’s goods, services or merchandise I know of no one with a lick of sense who will say to themselves, “Hey, self, why don’t you hire a wussy for this task?”

But, for whatever reason, sadly, we do; and the ubiquitous dandies do slip into our employ.

My purpose for this chapter is to help business owners avoid wussies like the plague. I hope this chapter helps you to quickly spot them and get rid of them PDQ before they cost you your time, talent and treasure.

In addition to doing the aforementioned, I also intend to give you, little Tinkerpot, some advice on how not to be smoke in the eyes of your employer. And with that opening salvo, let’s have some fun, shall we?

First off, allow me to bash some of us who have ever hired a wussy. Yep, before I go postal on the wussies, we need to take it on the chin and own up to the fact that it’s usually our fault if we ever got sideswiped by a douche that we employed when we shouldn’t have.

Here’s what I mean:
For example: Did you really have to hire your dorky relative to work for your company? Really? Because I’m a-guessin’, if they weren’t your kin you probably wouldn’t have paid them a plugged nickel to rake dog crap in your kennel because they’re so inept.

Look, nobody forced you to do that, but you “wanted to help the family”, so you did; and now you’re suffering the negative consequences, which I will discuss later, by hiring a limp biscuit “just because they had your last name or your mother’s maiden name”; or were somehow roughly connected to your gene pool, which, evidently, someone must have peed in at one time or the other. But I digress.

In addition, did you really do due diligence in your hiring process? Did you truly perform a serious background check? Were you so desperate to hire whomever that desperation overrode intelligence and intuition and now you’re in a SNAFU of ginormous proportions?

Look, we’ve all done it.

What we must do, going forward, is mitigate the likelihood of that self-inflicted gunshot wound to the wallet ever occurring again.

Before I plow on allow me to allay any angst you might have in being a hard-ass in the judging and hiring process for your business, which is, by the way, your baby. Speaking of babies, just like you wouldn’t allow Achmed the Dead Terrorist to babysit your little daughter, you should be equally reticent to allow a dipstick into your company’s ranks.

Here’s why you shouldn’t “feel bad” or that “you’re being mean” by not giving a googin a shot and a spot in your company. Are you ready?

One great reason why you should not hire the lame is… God warns you not to.

And when God speaks, we should listen because… well… he’s God and we’re clods and he loves us enough that he doesn’t want our gig to get hamstrung by some hamfisted wanker.

So, don’t feel like you’re unrighteously being difficult because even God loathes and warns us away from employing leě wussy.

“Where doth God warn me away from the soul-sucking saps that’ll zap the life out of my company?” you asked?

Well, I’m glad you asked, you inquiring mind you. It’s in King Solomon’s bag of goodies, the Book of Proverbs.

For certain, Solomon doesn’t label the wussies “wussies” in his inspired denunciations. He calls them “sluggards” which is a major character trait/flaw of the overcooled that I’m clobbering.

Without further ado, here’s what the wisest man in the world has to say about the sluggard, how to spot them and why a business owner must avoid them. I guarantee you’ve never heard your Hipster, skinny-jeaned pastor ever hammer his shiftless congregation with these goodies.

1. The sluggard is lazy.

“How long will you lie there, you sluggard? When will you get up from your sleep? A little sleep, a little slum- ber, a little folding of the hands to rest—and poverty will come on you like a thief and scarcity like an armed man.”
Proverbs 6:9-11 (NIV)

Dear Bosses: did you catch what the lazy-ass sluggard attracts to himself? Poverty and scarcity. Question: is that what you want for your company? Poverty and scarcity?

Huh? Do you want your business to be impoverished? If so… then hire someone who’s lazy. Hire a procrastinator. Hire someone who’s attached to their bed. Hire the laggard who’s apathetic, dull, inattentive, indifferent, passive, comatose, inert, lymphatic, moony, nebbishy and languorous; and you can kiss your sweet profits, adios!

2. The sluggard is an excuse-maker.

A sluggard says, “There’s a lion in the road, a fierce lion roaming the streets!”
Proverbs 26:13 (NIV)

One thing a wussy is really good at is making excuses for why he’s unable to fulfill the duty he’s been paid to do. When Solomon penned the aforementioned golden nugget, Israel still held a decent population of lions. So, the ancient pussy, hiding his ancient wussiness, brought up the reality of man-eaters being in proximity to his person as an excuse to why he “can’t” work today. Pretty creative, eh? “I can’t work because a lion might eat me.” Well, kiss my grits.

Business owners, you know that the business world is fraught with “lions” that love to eat workers and the companies they work for. It’s par for the course. It’s the law of the jungle. Eat or be eaten. The business world is bloody. It’s war. And the bigger the business, the bloodier. Therefore, if you have in your employment someone who keeps whining about competition or how difficult things are in the “Serengeti” wherein you labor, then you have an excuse-making wussy on your hands that you need to cut because the more they yarble about lions the more they cudgel off your growth and prof- its. Also, here’s a little FYI: their excuse-making spirit will spread like wild fire and infect your entire company. So… can them, asap.

3. The sluggard is a taxing bastard.

“Go to the ant, O sluggard, Observe her ways and be wise, Which, having no chief, Officer or ruler, Prepares her food in the summer And gathers her provision in the harvest.”
Proverbs 6:6-8 (NIV)

Solomon implies, in Proverbs Six, that the sluggard needs a boss or they won’t do jack. I call those types of wussies “wheel barrow people.” They only go as far as you push them and that’s it. Your best bet is to get rid of people who require constant supervision and prodding. They’re stubborn jackasses and you can’t make a racehorse out of a jackass.

Oh, I’m sure some of you employers think you’re like Jesus and can turn water into wine, but you’ll find out soon enough that if they aren’t internally motivated you’re not going to change them; and if you keep them in your company you’ll end up screwed, glued and tattooed. What you’re hunting for in an employee is the ant-like dude or dudette that doesn’t need a boss’s constant whip crackin’ over them in order to get stuff done.

This is an interesting little ditty about the wussy, and one that employers often get bamboozled by, namely, the sluggard craves. Yep, the dilatory do have desires. They want to live like Puff Dad- dy. They want the nice house, the sweet ride and the cool vacations, but they won’t do diddlysquat to righteously attain what they dream about on mamma’s couch, doing bong hits, while masturbating to the Price Is Right’s spokesmodels.

To listen to them blather about what they want and where they would like to be, oftentimes, can be confused with ambition when, in reality, it’s a frickin’ pipe dream. It’s as unreal as an acid trip.

In my fifty-three years I’ve heard these dreamy clowns talk about who they want to be and where they want to go, but at the end of the day, they sit on their butts and do little to nothing to attain what they crave. Your best bet is, after you hear them yodel about wanting to be the next Bon Jovi, check to see if they have a great track record of working their butt off. If not, you’ve got a dreamy pussy on your hands.

5. The sluggard is arrogant.

“The sluggard is wiser in his own eyes than seven men who can give a discreet answer.”
Proverbs 26:16 (NIV)

I love this one. The wussy, who hasn’t done anything in life, thinks he’s smarter than the accomplished.

In July of 2012, my business partner and I launched our political blog, ClashDaily.com. At this writing, December 2017, we’ve had millions of page views, built a Facebook fan base of 1.25 million with a weekly reach, via Facebook, of 8-10 million. That’s not too shabby. The funny thing is that, during our inception and along our merry way, we’ve had a stack of clowns tell us “we could do what you’re doing better than you’re doing it.” The fact I find entertaining is they haven’t; and we’re still crushing it. But, if one were to listen to them, they would crow with great unction that they’re “way more savvy than Team Clash”. But there they are, doing nada except pulling lint out of their navel while we stomp skulls.

Please note: Wussies love… and I mean love… to tell themselves, their mother, their three cats and their clueless wife and/or girlfriend who’s paying their bills, that they’re the sharpest knife in the drawer. But they’re not. They’re nothing but a dreamy lot of hot air. Therefore, don’t let their delusions deter you or shock you when you hear these carpy, lardy hagfish try to upstage you. They’re wise, according to Solomon, only in their eyes and are; by their very nature, “fools” whose endgame is a crappy life, followed by destruction (Proverbs 24:30, 34; 6:11).

As you can tell, a myopic cyclops can see why Solomon shoos the shrewd business owner away from the half-cocked, fully baked pussy. Who the heck wants a wafty, unmotivated, excuse making, know-it-all, who lives for comfort over duty, anywhere near their enterprise? The answer: no one who has a scintilla of common sense, that’s who.

Doug Giles, best-selling author of Raising Righteous And Rowdy Girls and Editor-In-Chief of the mega-blog, ClashDaily.com, has just penned a book he guarantees will kick hipster males into the rarefied air of masculinity. That is, if the man-child will put down his frappuccino; shut the hell up and listen and obey everything he instructs them to do in his timely and tornadic tome. Buy Now:The Effeminization Of The American Male

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