So before all the llamas and dresses happened, the hot news around the NFL blogs was that there may or may not be a video that may or may not show Dez Bryant doing something that may or may not be Very Bad! This was a source of endless speculation by the media. Everybody wants to know What Is On That Tape so that they can make a crude comparison to the Ray Rice video and subject the public to endless insensitive roundtables on which is worse.

Oh, and as a sidenote, the Cowboys are currently in the negotiating process with Bryant to re-sign him. I can’t imagine this has anything to do with the ongoing contract negotiations. Perish the thought.

In that spirit, this week’s KSK mock draft centers on what we all think is on that mysterious tape, that terrible action that would likely see him blacklisted from the NFL for life, strung up by the media, put in jail for life without parole, erased from the history books, and finally, imprisoned in the negative zone and shot into space.

RobotsFightingDinosaurs: Reading any article on KSK

That’s definitely conduct detrimental to the league.

StuScottBooyahs: Calmly enjoying drinks in the club in February

Getty Image

WHY AREN’T YOU STUDYING YOUR PLAYBOOK, DEZ?

PFTC: Repeatedley manualy retweeting his mom by just adding “wow RT”

wpclipart.com

Johnny Sugar: Setting up the @battman_returns account to troll Kaep.

Getty Image

David Rappoccio: Caught shopping at WalMart

Old James: Badmouthing Beyonce

Getty Image

Spilly: Using an iPad instead of a Microsoft Surface(tm): official tablet of the NFL

Getty Image

ed. note– Jay Cutler would be proud.

Big Sandy: While making a PB&J, not wiping the knife after the jelly and then getting all those little jelly boogers in the peanut butter jar

Getty Image

Eric Sollenberger: Using the work microwave to heat up leftover salmon

Getty Image

Christmas Ape: Letting the llamas loose

Getty Image

Trevor Risk: “Charles Haleying”

Getty Image

Trevor Risk: “Haley Mills-ing”

Getty Image

Christmas Ape: Saying “Macbeth” during a staging of Macbeth

Getty Image

Eric Sollenberger: Requesting “Freebird” repeatedly at an open mic night

Getty Image

Big Sandy: Deleting his roommate’s “Walking Dead” season pass so he can DVR a “House Hunters” marathon

KSK mock drafts are typically an off-season feature, but this week is a special occasion. Also, it’s our site and we can do whatever we damn well please. So there.

Most everyone agrees that Roger Goodell should resign or be removed from the job of NFL commissioner while also agreeing it probably won’t happen just because that would require the league’s owners to actually care about how the NFL as an organization appears to world at large as opposed to what continues to be highly profitable.

And even if Goodell were to be removed, the NFL would almost certainly just appoint another bland career company man to promote the same flawed policies Goodell always did. But that won’t stop us from pretending that we could make the commissioner whoever we want.

Two rounds, snake style. Your picks in the comments.

1. Trevor Risk — Elon Musk

Getty Image

“He’d build that hyperloop and then the Seahawks can quit bitching about travel making their schedule unfair.”

2. Johnny Sugar — Bruce Springsteen

Getty Image

“Ok, remember when Magary wrote that thing talking about how every goddamn sportswriter worships the Boss? Yeah,, I’m a lot like those guys, which you might have learned from the 4th of July draft. Here’s my case: Springsteen writes plenty of songs about all the things in America that are fucked up. And yet, he also seems perpetually optimistic, believing that America can still be great. I would want someone who views the NFL that way, i.e. someone who loves the game of football, but is completely aware of horribly fucked up the league is and wants to fix it.”

3. StuScottsBooyahs — Robocop

Getty Image

“Just because the press conferences would be cool. And no one would fuck with him.”

4. Old James — Pete Rose

Getty Image

“This is just an exercise in trolling so we can watch all the baseball writers lose their shit.”

5. Eric Sollenberger — Charles Barkley

Getty Image

“Just because hey man, it’s Charles. You can’t be mad at him for anything.”

6. Spilly — Guy Fieri

Getty Image

“I choose Guy Fieri because:

1) the ball will be covered in ranch.

2) the ball will then be deep fried.

3) the field will be transformed into 100 yards of frosted sheet cake.

4) your ears will actually yearn for Joe Buck mouthfarting into a live mic, but instead all you will know is a constant banshee wail about EXTREME APPETIZER COMBINATIONS”

7. PFT Commenter — George W. Bush

Getty Image

8. Christmas Ape — Vince McMahon

Getty Image

“The XFL just needs a second chance. And to be available streaming for $9.99 a month.”

9. Sarah Sprague — Warren Buffett

Getty Image

“Smart, has a strong ego without being overbearing, likable, and rich enough the owners cannot threaten him.”

10. David Rappoccio — My old Band-Aid

Getty Image

“Pros:

– not Roger Goodell
– the strong silent type
– has been through the shower, which makes it uniquely capable of handling another flood caused by hurricanes.
– excellent at cover ups
– makes a point and sticks to it”

11. RobotsFightingDinosaurs — Commissioner Gordon

FOX

“The only choice if we want TRUE justice in the NFL.”

12. Big Sandy — McGruff the Crime Dog

Getty Image

“Pro: tough on violent offenders, cares about the children
Con: needs to rethink his drug strategy”

13. Big Sandy — Barack Obama

Getty Image

“After dealing with ISIS and Republicans, Dan Snyder and the union will be easy, IMHO”

14. RobotsFightingDinosaurs — Zack Snyder

Getty Image

“TAKING THE NEXT STEP IN SLOW MO REPLAY TECHNOLOGY”

15. David Rappoccio — Charlie Sheen

Getty Image

“We’d bring the fun back to football”

Ape: “Well there goes being serious on domestic violence.”

16. Sarah Sprague — Sarah Sprague

“I pick me.

As commissioner I will reduce the number of preseason games to two and tickets will be 1/4 the cost of a regular season game. Touchdown celebrations will not only return, but they will be rewarded with 1 extra point for style judged by a panel of “America’s Next Top Model” contestants. The ProBowl will return to the week after the Super Bowl so all can participate, expansion to London will be removed from the table as well as the current international games. Cheerleading squads will be co-ed and all cheerpeople will receive as a base salary of $75,000 a year.

All disciplinary cases will be heard in front of a panel of three owners, three coaches and three players who will serve on a rotating basis. I will eliminate the transition tag, do away with October breast cancer awareness month and replace it with Octoberfest beer specials that will benefit local youth rec leagues of all sports. And finally, I will eliminate the designated hitter rule just because those pansies in baseball would not dare challenge my authority.”

17. Christmas Ape — Shigeru Miyamoto

Getty Image

“Forces all teams to change their names to Nintendo characters, though does promote women (Samus!). We’d actually have a Donkey Kong Suh.”

18. PFT Commenter — Donald Rumsfeld

Getty Image

“The guys a nutural leader and as secretery of defense he would probly reverse some of the activist comptition committees rules against playing toug D.

Also hes the only guy whose more experienced then Goodell when it comes to covering up brain injurys IMO”

19. Spilly — Rob Ford

Toronto Sun

“Look, he’s going to be available for awhile, right? Think about it. What could be more reactionary to the ouster of Saint Roger than league sanctioned coke parties? He’s got connections. He’s a household name. He’ll give bland, bloviating sportswriters that apoplectic conniption we all so deeply enjoy. If we’re going to have a figurehead leader who exists to defend the pockets of 32 owners, we might as well get one who we can laugh at when he falls over.?

20. Eric Sollenberger — Sarah Palin

Getty Image

“I’m going to go with Sarah Palin then for the full on shitshow. She’d move the Jaguars to Anchorage and put Todd in charge of the competition committee. There would defnitely be a reality show involved with the league office as well.”

21. Old James — Lorenzo Lamas

Getty Image

“The only person fit to determine who’s breaking the law is someone living on the wrong side of it.”

If you play fantasy football you know that there are levels of busts. If you take a flyer on a rookie running back that doesn’t pan out, it’s not the end of the world. You might not get a lot of return, but you didn’t have much invested in him to begin with. What we’re focusing on here is the most consistently frustrating players. The ones who flashed occasional brilliance when you them on your bench, the guys you would activate as you said a silent prayer only to see their backup put up 20 points, and the ones who never lived up to expectations.

1. Eric Sollenberger selects – Chris Johnson

KSK

He would have 4 games in a row against the Jags Texans and Bills where he would average -2 points and then break out like a 30 point outing against the Steelers. This would happen twice a year and it would inevitably be on the week you finally benched him.

2. Spilly selects – Michael Vick

KSK

Dogfight stuff aside, no one has completely infuriated me in years I had him and burned me in years I didn’t. I ALWAYS LOSE IN GAMES I PLAY AGAINST VICK. Always. Unless he’s injured.

3. Trevor Risk selects – Mike Tolbert

TheState.com

He’s vulturing touchdowns from whoever gets all the yards, so you sign him but if he doesn’t vulture, then he’s racking up zero yards.

4. David Rappoccio selects – Shaun Alexander

SeattlePI

Back when I still actually played fantasy this guy was the big deal and as soon as he set the touchdown record he turned into a pumpkin who couldn’t stay healthy and it was obvious all his success came from his O-line.

5. PFT Commenter selects – Ben Roetlisberger

KSK

I hear u guys call it the "loo" here thas crazy lol, but seriously where is it

I draft him every year to early but keep forgetting that theres no points awarded for extending plays or making somthing happen out there.

6. Sarah Sprague selects – Frank Gore

KSK

Not the worst, but I always feel like I should be getting more out of Frank Gore than I do, and yet I take him nearly every year.

He was supposed to be a stud last year. He was supposed to stop sharing carries. He was supposed to lead a strong Ravens rushing attack behind a staunch O-line. It got so bad that he was actually getting harassed by a bunch of folks on twitter about it, to the point where he actually addressed the matter publicly. Now, this isn’t to say I blame him, (well, at least, not for his on-field play. I certainly do blame him for certain other things) because yeah, sometimes people have down years. But the fact is, I took him #2 overall last year. And as soon as I started benching him, he started putting up numbers. My cousin, a Ravens fan, warned me against drafting him, but I knew better. I was SMART.

So every time I complained about my team losing, my cousin jumped all over me being all “I TOLD YOU”. It was the fucking worst.

8. Big Sandy selects – Matt Ryan

KSK

Fuck Matt Ryan. As a Saints fan, I should know better to depend on Falcons. But, in 2009, after a great rookie season, he was the best option left at QB and WINNING was IMPORTANT. So I took him and then watched him kinda shit the bed before ditching him for Marmalard. Last season, I got stuck with Ryan again, this time as a back-up, but it still pained me greatly to have him on my bench, shitting his pants.

9. Old James selects – Tiki Barber

KSK

There’s probably a handfull of quirky custom fantasy leagues out there that value rushing yards more than rushing TDs. If you happen to be in one, you — and Tiki Barber — can go fuck right off.

10. StuScottBooyahs selects – Ryan Grant

Took him with my first pick in 2010. It was not a good year.

11. Christmas Ape selects – Darren McFadden

Known to put up good numbers. For the five weeks a year that he manages to stay healthy. This year is different because once-awesome fantasy back MJD is joining the Raiders backfield but there were so many years where RUN DMC seemed like a very tempting pick to have a bounce back season. Then he’d have a few good games and you convinced yourself that you’re a genius. Then he inevitably got hurt.

12. Christmas Ape selects – Lee Evans

It seems odd in retrospect that such a forgettable player could have been a fantasy nightmare BUT HE WAS! The fantasy hatred of Lee Evans is well established at this website. He had one good fantasy season then managed to be a crazy fantasy tease for the next, like, five years. The closest current comparison I can think of is James Jones, who somehow scored 14 touchdowns with the Packers two years ago, but then I don’t think anyone expected him to replicate that feat last year.

13. StuScottBooyahs selects – Laurence Maroney

KSK

In 2007, I started out 9-0 thanks to my foresight in believing that the Patriots would be a juggernaut with the arrival of Randy Moss. I took Brady, Moss, and Maroney early. Brady and Moss slayed the league and so did I, and then the team started losing steam and so did I. I finished 10-3 and got bounced in the first round, finishing third. And I blame that finish in part on that fucking fantasy anchor of a running back in Maroney, who never did amount to anything fantasywise despite so much promise.

14. Old James selects – Ryan Mathews

The first RB you draft should never be a rookie, especially one from Fresno.

15. Big Sandy selects – Daunte Culpepper

KSK

Shoulda seen it coming with no Randy Moss but damn…. DAMN YOU, CULPEPPER! (Secretly thanks Culpepper for convincing the Dolphins to sign him and not Brees and thus gaining Brees for the Saints in 2006…)

16. RobotsFightingDinosaurs selects – Reggie Bush

KSK

I’m going to draft him again this year. He’ll have 6 scores in 4 games, and then promptly tweak his ankle. He’ll be out for 2 games, and when he comes back, he’ll be sharing carries with Joique Bell, and won’t see the endzone until 2016. Just like every year.

Should have known not to take someone who endorsed Ron Paul for president.

18. PFT Commenter selects – Carson Palmer

KSK

Funny how when he was throwing to the all distracton team of ochocinco and houshmandzada he would score 40 pts per game but then you give him a solid target like a jordan shipley he demand’s a trade after one season. Carson the oposite of a team player heck Id rather take his brother then a walking tommy john like carson.

I wasn’t playing fantasy last season and I still felt the repercussions of this one. Hyped up as the next big deal to start the season, tons of people drafted him, not realizing we had a crappy O-line. Then of course he had the neck injury. I wear my Giants jerseys when I watch football at the bar, and on at least 10 occasions I had random people I’ve never met before come up to me and start blaming me, personally, for David Wilson’s bad performances. Just because I was a Giants fan. Fantasy brings out the worst in some people.

20. Trevor Risk selects – Blair Walsh

KSK

That guy was supposed to hit eight hundred indoor, over-fifty yarders for a team that loved to stall at the opponent’s forty yard line.

If you had any of these people and relied upon them for anything higher than a 3rd RB/Flex, you deserved to have your luggage stolen.

22. Eric Sollenberger selects – DeAngelo Williams/Jonathan Stewart

KSK

Mostly DeAngelo Williams, but these guys are a two-headed MRI machine. One is always hurt and when they’re not hurt they average 3 ypc while the other one runs for 2 tds and 154 yds and it’s never the person that you started.

Last week, we explored our contrarian side by drafting things we hate that the rest of the world seems to be infatuated with and about which can brook no dissent. This week, we’re going with the flip side of that: things we enjoy that the most of the rest of the world has deemed undesirable, passe or just plain wrong.

Yours in the comments.

1. RobotsFightingDinosaurs — Hanson

Fuck you, MMMBop was a catchy song. Have any of you listened to Middle of Nowhere recently? Do it. Yeah, there’s MMMBop, but there’s also a song on that record describing the story of a kid who just stopped showing up to their school one day, and every adult they talk to won’t give them a straight answer about what happened to him. It’s actually pretty fucking dark. And Hanson’s drummer was like, 8 at the time he helped write it with his brothers. For their entire career, Hanson has written all their own songs, and somehow, got big enough to compete with N’Sync and Backstreet Boys, who had, like, focus groups and shit writing their songs. And again, they did all this before puberty. It’s amazing. Everyone I know who has been to a concert or met them in person says they are some of the most down to earth people they’ve met. They still tour today, and their sound is listenable, if a bit adult-alternative-y.

I know my fellow record-player owners want to crucify me for this, but the fact is that pop music is fun. Fuck you if you don’t like it.

2. StuScottsBooyahs — Dangling prepositions

YT

I am sick of listening to editors bitch about this arbitrary rule. I ENJOY dangling prepositions. Prepositions are the things that I like to decorate the end of sentences with.

3. Christmas Ape — “E.T. the Extra Terrestrial” for Atari.

It’s almost always cited as the worst video game of all-time and, yes, it was such a financial disaster that it sunk Atari and hurt the entire console gaming industry for years. A bunch had to be buried in a landfill in New Mexico. For a while, that was only thought to be a myth but some people recently found them. THAT SAID: it’s not that bad of a game. I’ve played through it several times. Some aspects of it are frustrating but it’s overall okay.

4. Spilly — ’90s electronic music

So yes, most people had a Jock Jams CD at some point in their life for a party, but there’s so much more to 90s dance music than Miami bass and cheesy dancepop. Before electronic music became as popular and polarizing as it is today, there were a ton of interesting artists pushing out in subgenres like drum and bass, trance, and house that were dismissed by an entire decade because LOL EURO. Except Aqua. Aqua can burn in hell.

5. Johnny Sugar — ’80s hair metal

I unabashedly love pretty much all of this shit. When I made the Hair Metal Football League, that was one of the best afternoons I’ve had in awhile. I listen to Def Leppard’s greatest hits on a regular basis, and I maintain that “Pour Some Sugar On Me” is an absolute masterpiece. I get that things had gotten too far in the early 90s, and it needed to die, but all of that music is still really fun to me. It’s a shame that there will never be a revival because the people you see at a Poison concert these days are basically the worst people on Earth. Plus, no bands have aged well – current Bon Jovi is like an even more bland version of Imagine Dragons. But I’ll always enjoy jamming to Twisted Sister and Whitesnake, and nothing will change my mind.

6. Big Sandy — Dessert Pizza

Pinterest

Whenever i would wind up at CiCi’s Pizza in Metairie for hangover brunch with some friends, I was the only one who made a bee-line for the dessert pizza. You can say it’s gross all you want but that shit is gold to me.

7. Old James — Banana Runts

http://www.nantoncandy.com

I’m a monster.

8. Sarah Sprague — Star Wars Episodes I-III

dk

Not even going to justify it.

9. Trevor Risk — Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Paramount

Show this film to a person as young as you were when you first watched Raiders and they’ll think it’s fine. Same if you show all the movies to someone your age who hasn’t seen any of them. It’s not that it’s incredible, but it’s better than Temple of Doom. In order of best to worst it goes: Crusade, Raiders, Crystal Skull, Temple of Doom. Stop trying to interrupt me to talk about how you hate Shia “I Pull My Wanger Out On Screen Now” LaBeouf. He’s FAR better of a companion than Kate “I’m Banging The Director” Capshaw. At the end of Temple she’s still whining about needing her hair gel or whatever it was that was still bothering her WASP-y ass. Granted, the scene where they try to escape in Crystal Skull and there’s that clearly rubber snake, kind of just stops the movie dead so they can make reference to Indiana’s ophidiophobia, and Cate Blanchett is the most overrated and mis-cast actress in Hollywood, but the rest of the movie is fun, nostalgic, and thrilling. The scene where Mutt and Indy are escaping from Russians on a motorbike and the Ruskies hit that statue of Marcus is great. Mutt smiles, and Indy disapproves, just like Henry did to Indy in Crusade. The line where Indy says “I like Ike,” makes me happy, and the line where the dean says “We seem to have reached the age where life stops giving us things and starts taking them away,” makes me sad, and the line where that college boy yells “Get that greaser!” makes me excited. Ford does his own stunts, which at his age is impressive. I get that the whole “knowledge” thing bugs people, but i don’t understand how it does enough to make this movie literally Hitler in all your eyes.

10. David Rappoccio — Prometheus

FOX

Yeah, there are so many problems with the movie, especially the plot. How does the guy with the mapping system who is following the coordinates get lost? Why does he go zombie man? Why does Guy Pierce have the worst old man makeup in history? Yeah, the movie has serious issues and nothing makes sense. But my god, did you watch it? It was beautiful to look at. Every shot was gorgeous and the sound design was fantastic. No we didn’t really find out what the point was to the big white guys and nothing gets resolved, but it was just so pretty to look at that it was hard to care. I wasn’t too bothered by the plot issues because it felt like the people weren’t the main concern, the film left a lot of it very vague and it generated a lot of discussion over what things meant, and you could interpret it in a lot of different ways. Also, the alien abortion scene was fantastic and I’ve never squirmed like that at any movie before.

11. David Rappoccio — Vaccuming

Getty Image

House chores are the worst but for some reason I have always loved vaccuming, to the point where my entire apartment can devolve into slop but it would still get vaccumed. Something so satisfying about seeing those lines on the carpet and hearing all that dirt get sucked into oblivion

12. Trevor Risk — Facebook

fb

I talk to RobotsFightingDinosaurs on Facebook all the time, and we make plans to visit each other’s cities, which will most likely never happen, but it’s fun to pretend. Facebook is sweet. Add me.

13. Sarah Sprague — Unsweetened Ice Tea

Why does everyone need diabetes with their tea?

14. Old James — the new Ninja Turtles movie

Paramount

Yes, I saw it. On opening weekend. There are plenty worse ways to spend $8 (Subway comes to mind).

And say what you want about Michael Bay. For most people that’s “these Turtles are too scary looking and you ruined a precious childhood memory of mine you ASSHOLE.”* For me, it’s “you had Michelangelo tell a dick joke and threw a Juicy J tune on over the closing credits you GENIUS.”

15. Big Sandy — Women

Shutterstock

I like women. I have a mom, a sister, and, soon, even a wife. Some of my friends are even women! they’re smart and funny and do really awesome things every day even though dudes continue to harass them and pay them less money than dudes in the same job. I wish dudes would stop knocking out their fiances. I’ve never punched my fiancé because I actually love and respect her and don’t patronize her by selling a ton of pink merchandise in October and think we’re all cool. And it bums me out every time some guy on the bus is a dick to her or catcalls get. It’d be great of she could just travel home from work without dealing with demeaning garbage. That’s some bullshit. Don’t know why the world hates women so much.

I’m team Lutz all the way. Give me every vegetable you have, then drench it some chipotle sauce, and I’m set.

17. Spilly — Soccer

IG

I get it. Crucify me if you must, but I enjoy the ‘other football’ without resorting to obnoxious elitist habits. I only own like, two scarves! The flow of the game, the crowd chanting in unison and the novelty of no commercials is a breath of fresh air. It’s catching on here now – it’ll be the cool new sport any day now. For real this time. I mean it.

Aaaaany day now.

18. Christmas Ape — Distance running

GIS

Obviously there’s a decent sized community of dedicated runners out there and running is a popular exercise because it’s cheap and relatively easy. But holy shit do tons of people hate running and are very eager to tell you about it. Most of the time, when you mention you enjoy running or run often, the immediate reaction is “OH GOD I FUCKING HATE RUNNING I NEVER DO IT UNLESS THERE’S A CRISIS OR I’M PLAYING SOME KIND OF REAL SPORT” I’m not saying people are wrong for having this attitude. Running can suck and it’s frustrating — even if you enjoy it, you’ll be surprised how hard it gets if you stop for, say, a week. But I’m just one of those masochists, I guess.

19. StuScottBooyahs — Bottom shelf wine

That vinegary taste is the taste of value.

20. RobotsFightingDinosaurs — Malort

drinkspirits.com

This is a spirit local to Chicago that people drink ironically. Depending on who you ask, it tastes like burning tires, motor oil, or Fireball gone bad. But if you try it more than once, you’ll realize it’s actually pretty good. It’s complex, bitter, and tastes like cinnamon and grapefruit rind once you’re used to the intensity. I don’t understand how people can drink vodka straight and say Malort tastes bad. Vodka tastes so much worse.

We all have things that we don’t like that everyone else in the world seems to go nuts about. The important thing is not to go around telling everyone that that thing you hate that everyone loves secretly blows and no one can handle how right and honest you are, because then you’re a Slate writer.

But sometimes it’s nice to acknowledge that no matter how universally loved something is, there’s someone who isn’t into it. So this week, we’re drafting things everyone seems to love that we hate. Embrace your little island of hate.

1. Old James – Cake

IG

If you’re gonna force-feed me a pastry on my birthday, why can’t it be pizza?

2. Trevor Rish – The beach

Getty Image

My personal thalassophobia aside, the beach is a miserable place, especially busy ones in an urban setting. The sand is disgusting. Nobody cleans it, and what people do at the beach at night is unclean. The bright sun gives me headaches and I’m so white that I get awful sunburns, which are my are my least favourite feeling. I once got a sunburn from being in a pool for an hour in Los Angeles and I had marks on me for 18 months. When i got sunburns as a kid my brother would make me a blanket fort in the basement and and tell me “You live down here now. Here are some magazines and lego.” If you want to see bikinis just hang out in the Sexy Friday comment section all weekend. If you tell people you don’t like the beach, you’re a killjoy. They act like you hate puppies and the Beatles.

3. Christmas Ape – Cars

Getty Image

To be clear, I don’t hate them, I don’t want to #BanCars, I just see them solely as utilitarian things. Unfortunately, for a lot of dudes, it’s a central tenet of Guy Code™ that you worship cars. I do not. I can recognize that some are better or prettier than others and that it’s important to know how they work and how to fix them. I just do not give a shit. I’m not one of those people who upon getting a huge windfall of money would run out to buy an expensive car, though I might buy a car because the one I’m pushing currently sits at 172,000 miles and is therefore not long for this world. Otherwise, I’ll surely run it into the ground.

They’re expensive as fuck to maintain. I live outside a city with terrible traffic; it’s very seldom a joy to drive. You have to deal with other dipshit drivers. Sitting in gridlock is a deadening experience and it happens not infrequently. If I had my way, I’d almost never get in my car.

/expects all NYC commenters to smugly chime in about how they don’t have to own one

4. RobotsFightingDinosaurs – Bacon

ksk

Bacon is good. It is very good with breakfast, or with a sandwich, or atop a burger, or even in ice cream or in chocolate. But thanks to Epic Meal Time and the whole internet-tough-guy-I-only-eat-meat-WHO-CARES-IF-I-HAVEN’T-SHAT-IN-A-WEEK crowd, bacon is an internet god, alongside Sriracha, Neil DeGrasse Tyson, and George Takei. Fucking why? Why choose bacon instead of prosciutto, or hell, even pancetta (both of which have a more nuanced, wonderful salty-savory-smoky flavor, and both of which are now available at a similar price as bacon if you know where to go) It’s a very inexpensive cut of meat that is frustrating to cook. Yeah, it’s easy, but the pieces all stretch and curl and shit unless you have everything heated just so. Plus, you have to deal with the fact that whenever you cook bacon you’re starting an internet flame war over whether to cook it in the oven or in a pan. Have you ever cooked bacon shirtless? Don’t. Bacon has also skyrocketed in price thanks to trendy restaurateurs and home cooks that think they’re changing the world by making fucking bacon strawberry rhubarb pie or some shit. Which, you know, fine. Whatever. It’s not as if we’re not all fat enough already.

5. StuScottsBooyahs – Happy Gilmore

Universal

Everyone seems to fucking love this movie. I hate all movies with Adam Sandler in it, and this one is no exception. To me, it’s paint-by-numbers comedy. And even if the script were good and the gags funny, Adam Sandler’s schtick would ruin it for me. YOU’RE NOT FUNNY, PLEASE GO AWAY AND STOP BEING SO GODDAMN SUCCESSFUL.

6. Big Sandy – “Seinfeld”

NBC

Sorry, not funny. Okay, a few episodes were funny. But, really, I got more laughs out of this season of Bob’s Burgers than I did during Seinfeld’s entire run. If being an asshole is the touchstone of being funny, I’ll take Archer any day, thanks.

7. Johnny Sugar – Craft beers

Getty Image

Mind you, I don’t hate all of them. But most of the time, I never understand the hype. Plus, on the rare occasion I find one I like, I buy a 6 pack for 10 bucks, then everyone in the house wants one, and I get like three beers out of it. Seems like a better deal to just get cheap beer, or if I’m feeling fancy, some nice whiskey.

8. Sarah Sprague – Karaoke

DC

LA is filled with open 24/7 Japanese and Korean karaoke places where you and your friends can rent your own room, dive bars that randomly have karaoke nights and Valley joints filled with twenty-something assistants who were the lead in their high school’s production of ‘Grease’. Supposedly it’s fun to go hangout with your friends and get drunk and listen to people screech into feedback-riddled mic, but in my mind it’s about as much fun as a lobotomy with a rusty spoon while watching a gaggle of drunken two year olds scream over who gets the last piece of candy from a pinata AND WHY CAN’T WE LEAVE YET YOUR SONG ISN’T UP YET BUT I’VE ALREADY HEARD YOUR VERSION OF “MOTHER” AND IT’S PRETTY SHITTY DON’T WORRY IT’S SO LOUD IN HERE YOU CAN’T HEAR ME CALL THIS HELL PUNISHMENT FOR SOMETHING I DID WRONG IN A PAST LIFE, LIKE I WAS SALIERI AND THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO SUFFER FOR SCREWING MOZART.

9. Sarah Sprague – Omelettes

Getty Image

Hey, would you like some undercooked eggs that will seem even more watery because we didn’t cook the vegetables before putting them in with the eggs? Have an omelette.

10. Johnny Sugar – “Girls”/Lena Dunham

Getty Image

Again, I don’t totally hate her, just don’t get the hype. I’ve watched a few episodes of Girls and it was…okay. I’ve seen Lena Dunham on a few talk shows and she was….okay. I’m not part of the people who become apoplectic at the mention of her name, but I don’t see why so many damn people fucking worship her either. I suppose this pick might be herecy for some. I’m willing to deal with the consequences of that.

11. Big Sandy – Forrest Gump

Universally beloved, adored, lavished with Oscars. I fucking hate this movie, most of all because it sure as hell didn’t help the perception of people from the South, where I crawled out years ago. If there’s only one good thing to come out of it, it’s the annual “Running of the Gumps,” and even that winds up reflecting badly on EVERYONE from Alabama, not just ROLL TAHD fans.

12. StuScottBooyahs – “Downton Abbey”

Getty Image

If someone can explain to me the difference between this show and any of the other 10,000 soap operas that have come before it other than the accents, I’m all ears.

13. RobotsFightingDinosaurs – “Doctor Who”

Getty Image

You guys know me. I’m a dork. I like video games, and Firefly is one of my favorite shows. So this may come as a shock.

Fuck Doctor Who. It was shitty in the 60s. It’s still shitty now. I’m convinced that the only reason there are so many fans here in the States is that they always cast some nerdy-attractive British dude with a panty dropping accent as the doctor, because it’s certainly not because of the storytelling, the acting, or any sort of brave screenwriting.

Oh, and Doctor Who fans are the worst, by the way. I’ve seen a bunch of episodes, and I didn’t like it. You know how soccer fans have a reputation for being really pushy whenever someone tells them they don’t like soccer? Never tell a Doctor Who fan you don’t like the show. They’ll Clockwork Orange you and force you to watch the dumbass weeping angel episode until you admit you like it.

If I see another “keep calm and don’t blink” shirt, I’ll fucking snap.

It’s not that I hate every Beatles songs, (“Taxman” is okay I guess) it’s that four of my top five least favourite songs are Beatles songs, and the only reason it’s not all five is because “Paradise By The Dashboard Light” narrowly beats out “Eleanor Rigby” which comes in at number six. Bill Burr’s take on John Lennon and Paul McCartney redefining “pussy whipped” makes me love Chuck Berry even more, and should kind of be all you need to understand that the “greatest band of all time” can fuck off. Oh, what about that whole “experimental” drug phase? That’s worse than the boy band stuff they did prior to that. It’s like if One Direction took a bunch of bath salts and decided one was a walrus and one was made of eggs or whatever. This is worth a read, if only for the first one where it’s pointed out that John Lennon was a wife beater. There’s uproar about Chris Brown being a piece of shit and how he shouldn’t be allowed at the Grammies, but that stupid awards show sucks off Lennon and James Taylor almost every year in some form, both of whom are registered domestic violence monsters. I actually don’t mind Wings, even though the inlay for Band On The Run would fit in perfectly on humanitariansoftinder.com which just plays into Paul McCartney’s horseshit gentle persona he’s created for himself. I have a friend who was really into this guy, and then he sent her a demo recording of him singing “Blackbird” and she immediately stopped talking to him, which was the correct response. The Beatles can be summarized pretty well by my friend Evan from the band Defektors, “I like the Kinks. The Beatles… they just don’t rock.”

16. Old James – Button Fly Jeans

GIS

I’m not going over this again. My stance remains unchanged, I just didn’t realize this was a battle I’d have to fight alone.

]]>http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2014/08/ksk-mock-draft-the-contrarian-draft.html/feed649KSK Mock Draft: Gym Class Activitieshttp://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2014/04/ksk-mock-draft-gym-class-activities.html
http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2014/04/ksk-mock-draft-gym-class-activities.html#commentsFri, 04 Apr 2014 14:56:45 +0000http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?p=85537Gym class. The proving ground for anyone who doesn’t want to be called a nerd, bullied, or otherwise picked on in grade school. A terrible meat grinder where only the most athletic are spared insult and injury. A battleground helmed only by a washed up and kind of creepy former college athlete and the two kids he chooses to be team captains. But as bleak as gym period was, there is no denying that there are certain wonderful activities that could only be found there. So we picked ‘em. Feel free to, as always, pick your own in the comments.

2 rounds. Snake draft. Let’s go.

1. RobotsFightingDinosaurs selects Dodgeball

Getty Image

It’s the obvious choice, to the point where people will think that there’s something about it that’s not right, that it shouldn’t be the first pick because it’s too violent, encourages bullying, and a whole bunch of other shit. But that’s not what dodgeball is about. Teams aren’t picked in dodgeball, you number off. And the playing field is level. Even if you’re nerdy, uncoordinated, and not that good at sports, like I was, dodgeball gives bullied kids a perfect chance to get back at the bullies in a constructive way. It didn’t happen often, but the pride I felt as a kid when someone who had been bullying me tried to peg me with a ball and I caught it was immense.

You can hide behind the fat kids and take potshots, pretend like you don’t have the ball, goad people into throwing their dodgeball at you, removing their only shield– it’s a very complex game as far as kids’ games go. It’s not all about strength and speed. A bully will very rarely lose at, like, basketball or baseball. He’s just a bigger target on the dodgeball floor. Which is why it’s so fucking ass-backwards that it’s pretty much banned in school now.

First of all, instead of adult kickball leagues there should be scooter hockey leagues. You’re working your legs, your core and your arms all at the same time in incredibly flurry of activity. As a kid, it was a great equalizer for children like me who were smaller than most because size wasn’t as important, it was coordination, stamina and reaction that made you a good scooter hockey player. I may have been a terrible dodgeball and kickball player, but I was a scooter hockey star.

(If anyone wants to start a scooter hockey league with me in LA, please speak up.)

Like Ultimate Frisbee, but with a football. Probably more fun because of the dubious aerodynamics of the frisbee. Also, how did Ultimate Frisbee lunatics get left off of Magary’s bitchy bracket at Deadspin? Has he not met those people? As someone who attended college in the 2000s, I can tell you they’re the worst. But it’s fun when you play it indoors and with a football.

I wasn’t even sure if this was a real gym sport, or something my lazy P.E. teacher invented to keep a bunch of shithead kids occupied for an hour, so I Googled it. Apparently it’s a real thing. Which makes me feel better. Because I OWNED at matball. “Why is this guy bragging about some sport he was ‘good’ at 20+ years ago?” you ask…well, I got a leg cramp walking up a flight of stairs a few days ago, so just let me have this one, OK?

My grade eight teacher made us play this game he called “Wallyball” that was pretty much volleyball but you could bounce it off the wall and hit it as many times as you want. Basically volleyball for useless kids. That was fun. There’s some other game called “Wallyball” on wikipedia but I have fond memories of Mr. Bridges’ version.

8. PFT Commenter selects Kickball after giving me a wedgie for picking Dodgeball before he could

Getty Image

Kickball is a great life lesson that sometimes your just always going to be a nerd and Im always going to be better then you at kickball.

This one is particularly weird: making kids crabwalk and try to kick a giant ball that’s the same size as they are past another line of sitting kids. Have you ever watched a sugar-junkie 8-year-old try to crab walk AND kick at the same time? It’s a debacle. A hilarious, limb-flailing debacle.

What a great game for kids. “Hey, hold your weak little underdeveloped arms together and this jock is trying to run through them at top speed!”

11. StuScottBooyahs selects Half-Court Basketball

Getty Image

Just like regular basketball, except with constant accusations of not getting all the way back to the line after a turnover.

12. Big Sandy selects Wiffle Ball

Getty Image

I was untouchable in Wiffle Ball, like Nolan Ryan, Phil Niekro, Clayton Kershaw, and Jesus all rolled into one. That ball could *move*. Not that anyone could really wallop a wiffle ball very far, but it was a finesse game on the mound anyway. Unrelated: I probably have needed Tommy John surgery since I was 10.
13. PFT Commenter selects The Game Were You Put All The Balls On That Giant Parachute And Popped Them Up And All Around And Junk

The gym teacher would try to teach us boys a lesson if we were being unruly by making us play ringette instead of floor hockey, because back then being emasculated was an acceptable form of punishment. We would get back at him by playing our asses off and taking it seriously and having a good time, which was probably the lesson he truly wanted to teach us.

Despite the efforts Vincent Vaughn and Benjamin Stiller, dodgeball was still pretty unpopular among parents even when I got to high school. So, our gym teachers made up this clever euphemism for it, which I think is deserving of its own spot. I think there was some weird little tweak that it made it technically different from dodgeball, but damned if I remember what it was.

You got to use those kick-ass gatorskin balls. It was just like it sounds- you had teams of 6 and the ball was allowed to bounce on the other side once before your team had to hit it back. Any day you got to play with those gatorskins was a good day as far as I’m concerned.

I’d argue it’s even more malicious than dodgeball. Probably why most schools have banned it, if they even allowed students to play it in the first place. The holy grail was when you had someone on the wall then you pegged the ball just above their head, deflected off the wall and nailed them in the junk.

Also, today I discovered there are like 30 alternate names for the game that I’d never heard of, such as “Fire in the Bum”.

19. Sarah Sprague selects Gym Theory

Getty Image

When I was in high school, all freshman had to take a second gym class for one semester called “Gym Theory” where you learned the rules and scoring system of every sport, and yes, there were tests. Sure it was a blow-off, but it was the one gym class you didn’t have to worry about rushing to shower and changing (LOOKING AT YOU SWIMMING SECTIONS) in less than five minutes before your next class.

There’s no gym-tivity more satisfying when you finally get it right, because it was something that was truly impressive at the time. Even if you didn’t ring the bell at the top, if you made it off the ground and up the rope even a quarter of the way, everyone else would stand in silence. People got excited for this shit. Everyone is rooting for everyone else to get up that rope, and since it was so rare for someone to make it to the top, it was a BIG DEAL when it happened.

Sports video games, perhaps the closest any of us will come to athletic greatness. We all grew up with them, and now we here at KSK are going to draft the best of the best, regardless of their goddamned score on Metacritic.

Pick your own from what’s left in the comments. The only rule is that once one game from a franchise is taken, the rest of the series is off limits. So when you pick Mario Golf: Toadstool Tour, then Mario Golf: Advance Tour is a no go.

Boom-shakalaka. Obvious choice, but it’s obvious for a reason. Many old sports games get worse with time, but NBA Jam is still as good as it ever was, as evidenced by how popular it is in that one Chicago bar I go to all the time that has expensive drinks and free arcade games. Between its frenetic pace, the over-the-top dunks, and the fact that you could play as the Clintons, it’s not only the best sports game of all time, but it’s one of the best games of its age. I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure NBA Jam is one of the first ever sports games to get away from the sport in question somewhat in the interest of making the actual video game more fun and playable. Anyone could play NBA Jam. You didn’t even have to know how to play basketball or know that you’d be fucked if you didn’t pick Pippen/Rodman. It launched a shitload of arcade style sports games, and really created its own genre. And this was all without the likeness of Michael Jordan. It’s still unbelievable to me that this game was a hit in the mid 90’s without him.

Plus, its updates and sequels are all awesome too. My brother and I used to play NBA Hangtime all the fucking time, and I still remember the entire theme song. A couple years ago, they released a few remakes of the game, most recently the “On Fire Edition”, and it’s definitely worth your time. Shit, now I’m in the mood to play some fucking Jam. Leave your Xbox gamertag in the comments if you want to join me.

2. Big Sandy — RBI Baseball

I know this is a FOOTBAWL site but RBI Baseball is the gold standard of all classic baseball video games (though I do have a soft spot in my heart for the Hardball series — now with Al Michaels voiceover!). The little pudgy dudes, the actual teams and players (if only a few), the ability to throw 110 mph fastballs with Nolan Ryan and screwballs with Fernando Valenzuela, the fact pitchers got tired and you had to sub… it was ahead of its time. And the fact you could swerve a pitch far away from the plate WHILE IT WAS IN THE AIR was amazing. The one downside: the mercy rule being implemented. Let me run up the score! Otherwise? Terrific game I never get tired of.

3. Eric Sollenberger — Madden

Got to take Madden. NHL 94 is a great game but I don’t think it has the versatility of Madden. Mini-games, online, Breaking Madden, etc.

I had one friend who would bet me beers in high school (pretty much worth their weight in gold) on games of Madden. He would always be the Steelers and he would usually kick my ass because he’d put in “Kordell Stewart” who was really Mike Vick with a changed name that he had saved. I found out years later and I still harbor a huge grudge.

Oh God, I’m so happy this slipped to number four. If someone had taken it, I would have Ditka-ed my entire draft to try and trade for it. When I was a kid, my older brother and I were either too poor or lived in too remote a place to find a copy of the game to buy, so we’d pool our allowances and rent it almost every weekend. One weekend it was out, so we got John Elway’s Quarterback instead and after about five minutes of playing it, I started crying. I think I cried through the entire weekend actually. Last time my older brother and I met, we played the game and I actually was able to beat him a few times, and he started a new game as MAN VS COM and when I said he clicked the wrong game, he yelled at me “I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF I’M STILL ABLE TO PLAY THIS FUCKING GAME” and we were immediately children again, reminding of that time I was grounded for pistol whipping him with the NES Zapper. There was a bar a few years ago that I went to on Sundays before I started buying Sunday Ticket that had Tecmo Super Bowl set up to play with a sign reading, “No Being Bo Jackson” and after one week there was an additional sign reading “No Being Trevor Risk” because I’m that good at it. I brought an NES to Nashville to beat some friends at it in October and that guy and I aren’t as close as we used to be. Also, if anyone tries to talk about Tecmo Super Bowl’s retarded precursor, Tecmo Bowl being any good, I will punch that person.

5. PFT Commenter — NHL ’94

NHL 94 classic game when there was player who didnt even wear a helmet and you could bleed on the ice before we were all scared of concussons. Concussons are part of the game of hockey IMO.

Pulling a garbage can out of the crowd and pummeling Buff Bagwell over the head with it’s a real sport to me, dammit.

/Throws up NWO Wolfpack sign

8. Christmas Ape — Mike Tyson’s Punch Out!!

The sequels on SNES and Wii were both really good (not to mention the original arcade game) and deserve more recognition than they tend to get, but it’s hard not to go with the best-known NES classic. Damn near every character in this game is iconic (even if Great Tiger was kind of racist). Soda Popinski’s laugh might be the best example of a game trolling a player outside of the Duck Hunt dog.

BTW, the commercial for the Wii version had one of the best video game ads ever.

I’ll go with ESPN NFL 2K5, the franchise that was quickly buried by Madden snatching up the NFL exclusivity rights. I played the shit out of that game. One major flaw though: an ubiquitous Chris Berman.

10. Sarah Sprague — Wii Sports

We never used our Wii for much, but Wii Tennis, Wii Bowling and Wii Baseball were always fun if you were stuck inside. There was a time both Bryan and myself had Wii tennis elbow from drinking and playing Wii Tennis for too long.

I am the driver I am today because of my love of Pole Position. I’d spend every last one of my game tokens to get my name in the top five scores, hiding away in the Pole Position sit-down cabinet console. (Also a good place for kissing boys where adults couldn’t see you.)

Speaking of no license, having players named Can of Corn is always fun. This game was tremendously addictive even if it only had two music tracks that played on loop during entire games. And I’ve probably spent more time playing this game than watching actual baseball.

This seems like a good pick on paper, but am I allowed to draft a game I’ve never actually played before? Because I’m going to.

Since I’m really not much of a video game guy anymore (haven’t been since the N64 days), and Ape just took my pick, I’m going to use this as an opportunity to take you inside the mind of college-aged males circa 2006: there wasn’t much that wouldn’t entertain us. Turns out if you pop this game into an Xbox and just let it play out, you’re treated to a compilation of the ten best goals in soccer history.

Anyway, I went on a road trip that year to visit a friend of a friend who went to the school my alma mater was playing in football that weekend, and we watched this video no less than ten times while “tailgating” at their house — though I never actually saw anyone play the game. #4 still blows my mind.

Related: I was not a good student.

15. Tim Schavitz — NFL Blitz: The League

Blitz was the less-exciting football equivalent to NBA Jam until Madden grabbed NFL exclusivity. Developers were left in the cold, but Midway decided to forge ahead with what can only be considered a big middle finger. Blitz: The League is everything the NFL is ashamed of: feeding your team steroids, demanding new contracts every game, and picking up bonuses for cheap shots on the field. And when those injuries happen, which is on average two per quarter, it’s some truly disturbing visuals. It’s a wrestling game on a football field, and I’d take that over any version of Madden since EA struck the NFL deal.

(Ed. note: Apparently one of the writers for Playmakers was behind the script for this game. Go figure.)

Has no1 picked NCAA football yet? Love the amateurs out there giving up there likenesses just 2 be a part of the EA sports franchise god bless

17. Trevor Risk — NBA Action ’95

For a few fleeting years I was into basketball, and then later realized I was just into this game. There was actually an extra line of code or whatever written into it so Dennis Rodman’s hair would change color every game, and you could create players so it was easy to just make Michael Jordan, which gave it some advantage over every other game he opted out of having his name used on. Again, most of my video game memories are related to my older brother, and I remember him just toasting me with Shawn Kemp, pressing his face against mine and screaming “THE RAAAAAAAIN MAAAAAAAAN!” until i cold cocked him with the remote control, and again, I was grounded.

I will never tire of this game because you can always increase the difficulty level by drinking more.

19. Big Sandy — Jordan vs. Bird 1-on-1

Torn between old and new but I gotta go with Jordan Vs Bird, 1-on-1. One of my favorite computer games as a kid. Wanna dunk like MJ? DONE. Wanna swish threes like Larry Legend? ALL OVER IT.

20. RobotsFightingDinosaurs — SSX Tricky

If you come at Tony Hawk, you better come hard, and SSX went for it harder and better than any other franchise did. While 1080 Snowboarding and Coolboarders and Snowboard Kids 2 all tried to reach the level of popularity and acceptance that the Tony Hawk games had, SSX went above and beyond, even landing Lucy Liu to do the voice of one of the characters. Oh, and did I mention that the game is fucking insane? The tricks are ridiculous to the point of being hilarious. The characters are all stereotyped to Punch-Out!! levels of inanity. And the soundtrack was goddamned amazing. I remember having conversations during rec league basketball practice about how hard it was to complete the trick book and unlock the special silver surfer skin, or complete a full run while maintaining your combo. Plus, Tokyo Megaplex is one of the best levels in any video game ever.

21. RobotsFightingDinosaurs — NBA Street Vol. 3

If it wasn’t clear enough by now, I’m of the philosophy that it’s time wasted if you make a video game out of a sport and then just leave it at that. No. It’s a video game. You need dunks that are worth 6 points. You need a freeform dunk creator. You need to be able to press a button to bounce the ball off of the opponent’s head. You need Mario, Luigi, and Princess Peach in it. After my brother and I were done playing NBA Hangtime and moved on to the Gamecube, NBA Street ruled our house. He beat me nine times out of ten, but I was never mad because of all the cool shit that was happening. Plus, you can play as Nelly and some of the St. Lunatics in volume 2, and the Beastie Boys in 3. As silly as it all is, it’s a game that’s acutely aware that people play video games to have fun, to experience spectacle, and to get fucking HYPE. And while yeah, I enjoy Madden, NBA Live, and more legit sports sims, these were always more fun. It’s sad that they largely seem to be on the way out.

22. Big Sandy — Tiger Woods PGA Tour

I can’t believe no one’s picked a golf game yet.

Well, actually, I can.

The Tiger Woods franchise has always been pretty fun and it’s only more fun since his sex scandal (though leaving that part out of the video game is a bummer). I once spent 3 weeks smoking bad grass, listening to Queens of the Stone Age, and playing this game. It was a great time.

SIDENOTE: Right about here in the draft, everything got confusing due to the existence of a little-known racing game known as Mario Kart 64. We had a long, protracted argument, but came to the conclusion that if Sarah could draft Pole Position, Mario Kart 64 is fair game as well, and furthermore, that we’re all idiots for not drafting it earlier.

I was a Chiefs fan in a household full of Niners fans, and when i came home from grade five telling my dad and brother that Montana was traded to the Chiefs they just laughed at me and then got angry with me for lying. Just having anything branded with the Chiefs was a treat, and the painful play by play saying “Montana’s in the shotgun” whereas every other team said “The quarterback’s in the shotgun” was a small win for me. Once, I was finally going to beat my older brother and as i was running into the endzone with no time left to win in a tie game, Eric Davis or someone dove at me, stripped the ball, and returned it 99 1/2 yards to the other endzone, so I threw the controller at the television and i got grounded again. NFL ’95 had a better commercial, but that gameplay sucked, and spending all afternoon to update the rosters to the real life ones was frustrating and often involved the game getting reset.

25. PFT Commenter — Road Rash

U get to race bikes plus its all irish cops pulling u over funny how al sharpton and Jessie Jackson couldnt be bothered 2 sue for this crimination when it was a white race being this criminated

26. Tim Schavitz — Wipeout XL

I imagine the creation of this game involved a rave, a ton of drugs and Mario Kart. Everything about this game is intense. Futuristic hover car racing. Techno soundtrack featuring The Prodigy and Future Sound of London. Bold graphics by The Designers Republic. Red Bull product placement on the seizure-inducing loading screens. Wipeout XL is a racing game where blinking is a luxury, with a random autopilot powerup being your only saving grace. The game didn’t have a ton of tracks and depth, but what you were given was more than enough to make it addicting. Muscle memory of hitting a turn the right way addicting. Most games do some things right, but the artistic choices of the right visuals, sound, play mechanics and difficulty made it absolutely solid.

27. Old James — Candystand Bowling

I’m gonna take Candystand Bowling. Remember Shockwave? Apparently it still exists, as does Candystand.com — though the site now looks like MySpace threw up FarmVille. I didn’t have the balls to install any add-ons to see if I’ve still got it, but no need. I once rolled a 300 back in the day and you’re goddamn right I’m living in the fucking past.

28. Christmas Ape — Super Dodge Ball

Simple in concept yet incredibly deep for a game that relies on two buttons to play. It may not be as graphic as Blitz The League (kind of hard for an NES game to begin with) but you can still kill opponents by bombing them in the face. Responsible for a disproportionate amount of the video game feuds I’ve had with friends over the years.

29. StuScottBooyahs — Excitebike

It got close to the point that we were going to autodraft this pick for him but then he took it anyway. Nice when things work out that way. Good value this late in the draft, especially in terms of slightly obnoxious but hummable theme music.

30. Sarah Sprague — Dance Dance Revolution

Yes it’s a sports game because it’s one of the few games that ever made you sweat.

]]>http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2014/02/ksk-mock-draft-sports-video-games.html/feed221KSK Mock Draft: Ban An Olympic Eventhttp://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2014/02/ksk-mock-draft-ban-olympic-event.html
http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2014/02/ksk-mock-draft-ban-olympic-event.html#commentsFri, 21 Feb 2014 16:30:11 +0000http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?p=83438In the giving, inclusive, and healthily competitive spirit of the Olympic Games, we here at Kissing Suzy Kolber have once again faced off in yet another KSK Mock Draft. It’s no secret that, like, almost half of Olympic events suck. More often than not, they’re either boring, corrupt, or boringly corrupt. We took great pleasure in, one by one, picking events to jettison off into the sun, never to be held again.

As always, it was a snake draft, and feel free to make your own picks in the comments. Or, you know, tell us how fucking wrong we are. Either way.

1. Tim Schavitz — Powerwalking

These bros go off, but they address a good point: “How do you explain to your parents that this is how you got a gold medal?”

(Ed. note: Be warned, this is probably the strongest #taek in the whole draft.)

The Olympics have tried to modernize through the years – witness the addition of snowboarding at the Winter Games – yet they, much like baseball writers, clutch to ideas of antiquity for reasons no sane person can fathom. What purpose does Greco-Roman wrestling serve anyone? So many of the Olympic competitions is about who can do things the best: who can run or luge faster, who can throw something the farthest, etc. For many of the ancient athletes, there were real-life implications: being fast could outrun a lion, I guess. Or you could throw a rock at your enemy, sure. Or you could race down a mountain on a sled to deliver a military message. Greco-Roman wrestling? Sure, one day it could show physical dominance over an opponent. But in the present, what good is it other than making dudes where weird unitards? When the zombie apocalypse hits, their will be good reason to be able to run fast, throw things far, or skate a long distance over a lake in nuclear winter. But Greco-Roman wrestling? What good is that against zombies? Plus, the living have guns so you’re fucked if you try to wrestle a dude. Also, I take umbrage with the fact that neither baseball or football (American) are Olympic sports but wrestling is in the 21st Century. “Yes! Another qualifying match in the 105kg class!” said no one since Jesus. Cut this shit and finally make jai alai an olympic sport.

Never trust a sport that is judged. It’s like rooting for the academy awards. It’s basically trying to get some small, easily corruptible group of people to have the same opinion as you. It’s completely illogical to invest yourself into something that isn’t mathematical. It’s not settled with score, or will, or might. It’s settled by a group of turtle-necked beardos and weirdos sharing their respective artistic opinions. This theory can also be applied to college football; having the champion decided by writers and computers, eliminating any chance of an underdog. Every Olympics there’s always some controversy over judges blowing it like this year’s ice dancing, or the issue in 2002 with that foxy Canadian skater. If I have to hear Nancy Kerrigan caterwaul “WHYYYYYYYYY?” one more time, I’m going to picture current Tonya Harding next time I have sex, just as mind bleach. The only slim benefits to figure skating are: 1. Lady skaters have the best legs ever and 2. Sometimes the skaters choose music straight from Bugs Bunny cartoons, and “The Rabbit of Seville” is totally sweet. So, if there’s some bar where leggy gals serve scotch while I watch “Hillbilly Hare”, then I can safely say that figure skating is no longer required anywhere in the galaxy.

So, you know how it’s really dumb that table tennis is an Olympic sport since it doesn’t really require athletic ability? But how it’s kind of okay because, come on, ping pong is fun? Badminton is like that, except without all the fun and entertainment. The only good thing about badminton is that when you’re 9, “shuttlecock” is a funny word.

If we’re putting in outmoded fighting technologies why don’t we have a trebuchet field? It’s impossible to know who is scoring and the rounds last for like a quarter of a second.9. StuScottBooyahs — Curling

You fence, and then you swim, and then get on a horse and show jump, get off the horse (at least you could do is ride the horse until the end) and shoot a pistol, and then run two miles. Not good enough for one event, so go be mediocre in a bunch of events where no one will notice. Ironman, tough mudders and even extreme marathoners aren’t even as obnoxious.

This might ruffle some some feathered parkas, and maybe there’s a little part of me that wants to see if we have any Swiss commenters, but downhill skiing is terrifying to watch. Maybe it’s because I don’t like to see human limbs snap while propelling down a mountainside at 80 MPH, maybe it’s because the last time I went skiing it was on a hill in Missouri while wearing jeans and I just don’t get it. Whatever, I can live without it.

After over 100 years of absence, the IOC decided to include golf as an Olympic sport in 2016 in Rio. Because in the Olympics, the celebration of people at the peak of physical and mental ability, a worldwide event showcasing athletic skill, why not fucking include the sport that your fat asshole “friend” that’s an RVP of sales somewhere plays? They almost bumped wrestling in 2016. Wrestling, a sport which had been contested since the first Olympics in fucking Ancient Greece, because they thought it didn’t have a draw. And then they re-instate golf. Shit, it’s not like there aren’t multiple major international golf tournaments every single year. Even if you like golf (what’s wrong with you), why the fuck does it need to be in the Olympics? I would, however, be absolutely for putt-putt as an Olympic event.

Even though it “takes me away to where I’ve always heard it could be”, every single sailing competitor is so bourgeois that he looks like a villain in an eighties movie. They should all be yelling “NERDS!” and probably pop their polo collars and have pockets full of date rape drugs.

21. Big Sandy — 2-Man Luge

What the hell is the point of the two-man luge? The one-man (or woman) luge has real-life application: if you’re stuck on a mountain and need to get down, welp, hop on your sled and go. But the two-man luge seems illogical for so many reasons: if the second guy is dead, let his corpse freeze on the mountain. Injured? Survival of the fittest. Two of you on one sled to begin with? Well, that’s your math problem, pal. This article outlines what each participant in the two-man luge does and it seems one dude could easily do both those things and it’s called the one-man luge. Or the skeleton. One could make the same argument for the four-man bobsled – why does it take four people to do what two people just did – but that would mean Cool Runnings might never get made and that would be a travesty to humankind. And speaking of these unnecessary events, while doubles’ luge is technically supposed to be gender neutral, there is no two-woman luge at Sochi (nor four-woman bobsled) because apparently that would make uteruses fall out all over the track. Whatever.

Let’s be honest: Since the ’92 USA Dream Team, there’s been only two ways to enjoy watching this sport. One way to enjoy soul-crushing blowout games against countries whose GDP is less than Kobe’s latest contract. The other way is to root against the US in hopes that Lebron’s failure keeps him one step away from Greatest of All Time conversations. The star power of the NBA helps the sport, but ultimately ruins a decent competition. When the level of competition in a sport is so low that opponents are taking off their shoes and asking for autographs, it’s a good sign to change the game.

Why stop at devil horns and a Hitler ‘stache? Draw a dick on his face for the triefecta.

Everyone was filled with varying levels outrage (from none all the way up to Fox News) when it was revealed that Rolling Stone was still printing magazines. Worse yet, they put a picture of Dzhokar Tsarnaev on the cover. Seeing his youthful locks on the cover of a magazine usually associated with beloved celebrities like Chris Brown, Charles Manson and Madonna made everyone continue to not buy magazines because of the controversy and/or the availability of the internet.

Still, if magazine editors want to get really provocative I’m sure they could do a hell of a lot better. That’s why this week we’re drafting magazines along with subjects for the cover. The idea is to offend as many people as humanly possible.

Topical!

With the first pick I’m taking Jerry Sandusky and Boys’ Life, but only because I couldn’t find a picture of George Zimmerman that was sexy enough for KING. Make your picks in the comments, and wait 20 picks before going back for seconds.

Normally this is the time of year for commenter drafts. However, I recently realized that we have never had a proper Mock Draft honoring the cocktial. It’s been five years since our mixed drink commenter draft, and we felt it was time for an update. So much has changed since then, from trends and personal tastes, to the makeup of the blog itself (one of us is a lady now). If you look back at that old draft you will see a lot of long retired commenters (unless you’re all changing your names every six months). So yeah, we’re due for an update when it comes to cocktails. Continue after the jump for a three round marathon of spirits, then jump in the comments and add your own.

1. Flubby – Bombay Sapphire Gin and Tonic

G&T’s are my preferred method of gin delivery. In some places, particular those I frequent, martinis, fairly or not, are associated with a certain douchebaggish element. But you can order a g&t with confidence anywhere.

2. CC – Old Fashioned

I go back and forth between rye and bourbon, but generally I prefer a little less simple syrup to let the complexity of the bitters come through more.

I have been a straight whiskey person for years, but I’m finally giving in to at-home cocktail making. It really helps when the cocktail has three ingredients, and is delicious. But I probably need to invest in a new bottle of vermouth. Why must they make them so big? I only need a splash.

It’s rye whiskey with muddled thai basil, some in-house bitters and the all-important luxardo cherry. I had it at ChoLon bistro in Denver, and it’s the best fucking drink I’ve had all year. By far. So if you’re in Denver, or have any plans to be there, go to ChoLon, sit at the bar and order this drink. Then get a table and order the pork buns, kung pao and brussels sprouts.

And for the general discussion, I’d like to add that any drink with a cherry is measurably better with a Luxardo cherry, even though a jar of ‘em costs an arm and a leg. So add that to my Old Fashioned, please.

And they’re only 15 cents a cherry if you order a 12 pound can. Let’s all go in on one!

There are few things more enjoyable than encountering a well-stocked bloody mary bar. Ketel Vodka, some freshly made bloody mary mix, lots spicy horseradish, a few strong shakes of old bay, a dash of Worcestershire and a bit of hot sauce if the horseradish isn’t taking you home. Then you get to garnish it with whatever the hell you want. Celery? Fine. Something pickled or brined? Even better. Shrimp cocktail and a strip of bacon. Yes and YES.

18. Sarah – Rusty Nail

In Canada, a Rusty Nail is served with Rye, and is called a Donald Sutherland. You’d better not be lying about this one Wikipedia, because I’m going to Canada specifically to order this.