Thursday, July 11, 2013

Since blogger seems to have stepped up its deleting of blogs, I will be moving to a wordpress account. It's the fastest way to get the move accomplished in case something happens here. The blog isn't up yet, but when it is, it will be at jennytrout.wordpress.com. And I'm also going to find a way to integrate it into my existing website.

Just as a warning: due to the way blogger deals with text quotations and the way wordpress deals with text quotations, past recaps of both Buffy and 50 Shades will have formatting issues. In a perfect world, I would be able to go through those posts page by page and fix them. But I simply don't have the time to do that. It would be madness. And I think we can all agree that the last thing I need is something that would drive me even closer to the brink. I mean, I just got Minecraft on my computer last night, so my days are already numbered.

The "official" move won't happen for a few days or so, because I'm swamped with other stuff going on. However, I wanted to keep you updated so that if this blog does suddenly disappear, you know where to find me in the future.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

This morning, my twitter feed was all abuzz with book bloggers who had found their blogs had been taken down either by mistake, because they had been erroneously labeled as spam, or because they may or may not have been in violation of the new TOS that doesn't allow "monetization" of adult content. The problem with the new TOS is that it doesn't make a distinction between what is "adult content" and what isn't. Is a review of a book with "adult content" in it an example of adult content? Is it monetization to include links to where you can purchase erotic romances? Is this issue ever going to be clarified, or do I have to back up my blog every single day and just hope for the best?

I'm concerned about the future of this blog at Blogger. When I changed from the old blog to this one in January, I stuck with Blogger for a few reasons:

I was just changing my name, I wasn't necessarily unhappy with the service.

I had a lot of readers who followed via Google's blog reader program and I didn't want to mess stuff up or make their days more difficult.

I was familiar with Blogger and it seemed easier than learning something new.

Well, now #1 and #2 aren't really an issue. I'm not really thrilled with wondering every day if my blog is still going to be up or not, so I'm less pleased with the service. And Google Reader is dead, so what's the point of clinging to that anchor?

I briefly considered taking my blog to Wix, since that's who I have my website through (before a lot of tech people run in here and tell me how awful and shitty Wix is and I should be doing this or that or the other, please understand that I made the choice that suited my purposes and is the least stressful to me), but there isn't an option to import posts, and the design options are very limited at the moment.

That leaves me with WordPress. But my fear is, if I change my blog location again... will I lose a huge chunk of readership again?

So, I come to you, people who read this blog. Because you read blogs, so you might know how this works better than I do. I mean, I read blogs, but I've never put a lot of thought into how they work or what makes me read them. Is it worth the risk to switch to WordPress? Is it worth the risk to stay with Blogger? Are there ways I can orchestrate this without losing a bunch of readers? And how much fucking work is this going to be?

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Roadhouse is back! And we've got a show for you: dumb stuff from movies and tv shows that we believed as children... and also how I believed that Bob Hoskins was American until about three years ago...

In hindsight, I should have put two and two together and realized that I was going to be birthday party ambushed. My friend Cristin had called me up to see if she and our friends Adele and Jill could come out to my house and visit, and the visit was planned the night before Cristin's birthday on July 6th. In the past, because so many of my friends have July birthdays, I've held a group birthday party, but my health lately has been not so great, so I haven't done that in a few years. I'm off my birthday game considerably. So I didn't even make the connection that this might be a birthday thing, even though my birthday is on July 15th, and Cristin asked me what kind of cake I liked.

Obviously, I should not have been surprised when it turned into a birthday party ambush.

They came bearing a beautiful cake, and gifts.

Adele brought me this t-shirt:

And she got Cristin and I this absolutely gorgeous cake...

Which matched the beautiful flower lei that Cristin brought me. Being a Fannibal, I knew just what to do with it:

Cristin also picked out a few items that really helped jazz up the cake:

See, isn't that much more festive?

Said Cristin of buying me a plastic pineapple and a barrel of dollar store monkeys for my birthday: "Usually, if I bought that for someone, they would just look at it and go, 'that's funny,' but I know Jen is actually going to use the items."

Jill is also giving me a present, a human finger bone she nicked from a biology skeleton. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to own that, by law. But it was from a skeleton, so... you know, it's for science. It'll go well with my collection of non-human bones, and it'll creep the hell out of visitors I show it to.

Then, because we're nerds, we cracked out my copies of Weird Michigan, Weird Pennsylvania, Weird U.S.A., and The Dictionary of Hauntings, sat around the dining room table, and red quietly to ourselves.

Because we're party animals.

But it was a really amazing night. I'd spent the whole day in a really bad Fibromyalgia flare-up (you can probably tell from the picture that I was definitely not feeling my best), but my friends came over and gave me the best birthday I could have hoped for, that was exactly my speed. My friends are awesome.

Friday, July 5, 2013

In every generation there is a chosen one. She alone will ignore the "Do Not Consume Raw" warning on the side of the pre-made cookie dough. She will also recap every episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer with an eye to the following themes:

Sex is the real villain of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer universe.

Giles is totally in love with Buffy.

Joyce is a fucking terrible parent.

Willow's magic is utterly useless (this one won't be an issue until season 2, when she gets a chance to become a witch)

Xander is a textbook Nice Guy.

The show isn't as feminist as people claim.

All the monsters look like wieners.

If ambivalence to possible danger were an Olympic sport, Team Sunnydale would take the gold.

Angel is a dick.

Harmony is the strongest female character on the show.

Team sports are portrayed in an extremely negative light.

Some of this shit is racist as fuck.

Science and technology are not to be trusted.

WARNING: Some people have mentioned they're watching along with me, and that's awesome, but I've seen the entire series already and I'll probably mention things that happen in later seasons. So... you know, take that under consideration, if you're a person who can't enjoy something if you know future details about it.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Just, you know. One thing... I lost my camera. Which means that all the gorgeous photos of Lake Superior and the Keweenaw Peninsula are with someone else now. Heads up, if you were in Gay/Laurium/Calumet on Saturday and you found a blue Canon with fat lady nudes on it, that's mine. I'd like it back.

Since I don't have pictures, I'll just have to recreate them. I'm a pretty good artist, so you probably won't be able to tell the difference.

Day 1:

On the first day of our trip, our merry band of adventurers had to travel from Grand Rapids, MI, to Gay, MI. That's a really long drive. Eleven hours in two cars, with six writers making the journey. It was me, Bronwyn Green, Mia Watts, Kelsey St. James, Kris Norris, and Emily Love. The gruelling drive was marked by many potty breaks, but the most exciting part was the halfway point, the crossing of Michigan's majestic Mackinac (pronounced Mack-i-naw) Bridge. Look at this beautiful lady of the crossing, rising from her pylons in the great white shark infested waters where Lake Michigan and Lake Huron meet:

Day Two:

On day two, we got down to some serious writing, and I got down to some serious rock climbing. We were joined at the cabin by our friends Jessica Jarman and Anne, who is a reader who volunteered to come cook us pasta. Our cabin was right on the shore of Lake Superior, and the views were fantastic, as you can see from this expert artistic rendering:

Day 3:
We basically just spent day three writing our butts off in our lovely cabin.

Day 4:

Day 4 is where things got shitty for me. I woke up in the very early morning with a super bad headache. I had to be taken to a Yooper hospital. I don't want to say for sure that the doctor was a black bear in scrubs, but I've got this pretty convincing photo:

Dr. Deathbear diagnosed me with a muscle tension headache (it sounds totally not severe, but trust me, it was a 9 on the pain scale) and gave me a shot in my butt and put me on bed rest. I couldn't work for a whole day, but I could play Cards Against Humanity, which is a really fun game if you're a terrible person.

Day 5:

Our fifth day was spent in more writing. Overall, on the trip, I wrote 27k and change, 10k of that on Day 5. Most of the writing I did was on The Girlfriend, which is the sequel to The Boss. Hey, do you want to see some of those (unedited, totally out of context) words? Okay! Here you go:

“For what it’s worth, if you had proposed tonight, I would have said no.”

He lifted an eyebrow. “Would you have?”

I dabbed the corners of my mouth with my napkin, careful not to smudge my lipstick. I couldn’t lie to him. “No.”

Day 6:

On our sixth day of vacation, we struck out for the very tippiest top of Michigan, Copper Harbor. It's tiny, it's foggy, and there are lots of rocks, and also Lake Superior. There were also Orthodox Christian monks living up there who make baked goods:

Day 7:
This was the last day we could possibly get any work done, and get work done, I did. Do you want to see more of it? Okay!

“Maybe I did, in the past, but… I don’t know. I’ve always felt like you were… not resentful of me, but perhaps slightly inconvenienced by my existence. I got the feeling that you didn’t like me around.” She paused. “I feel like I made you uncomfortable somehow.”

“You made me uncomfortable?” That absolutely flabbergasted me. “No, Emma. I felt like I was making you uncomfortable. Because your dad was dating me, and we’re the same age, and the way we first met- “

Essay on misogyny in fandom Which I will post with absolutely no hint of hubris, even though I spend most of my blog time hating on one particular female character. I have like seven chapters to go, guys.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Hello, dear readers. Something has been going on for a little bit here that I have been ignoring, but I feel that since there are so many domestic violence survivors and so many writers who read this blog, I need to share a cautionary tale. It's long so bear with me.

Back when I started doing my 50 Shades of Grey recaps, I was approached on Twitter by an author named Eve Thomas. She was intense and passionate about the subject of domestic violence, and I twitter-friended her, because we hit it off and that's just what I do.

Eve was working on a book of survivor stories she was calling Fifty Shades of Abuse, for a charity called One Voice. The twitter hashtag is #OneVoice. Because we moved in the same twitter circles, she asked me if I could contribute a chapter for her book. I told her that I wasn't a survivor, and she suggested I write something about the dangers of Fifty Shades of Grey. At the time, I was already contributing an essay to 50 Writers on 50 Shades of Grey, and to be frank, I didn't want my entire career to become, "Hi, I'm that author who hates 50 Shades!" So, I told her I would consider it, but I didn't know if I could fit it in to my schedule.

Suddenly, I had all these people DMing me to warn me not to get involved with Eve or her projects. They provided me links to where she had previously called reviewers who'd given her books one star reviews "bullies," and expressed support for Stop The GoodReads Bullies, a website that uses abusive tactics to silence book reviewers. I was disappointed, but I liked Eve personally from the interactions I'd had with her. I didn't end up contributing to the book- I couldn't have if I wanted to, due to a conflicting deadline- but when it came out, I congratulated Eve and tweeted the link. I believed, at that point, that she truly cared about abuse victims and the book would reflect this.

After a few negative reviews on GoodReads, Eve admitted that the stories in the book had not been edited- a fact that these reviewers called out. Her reasoning was to present the survivors' stories in their exact words, in their voice. Voices that, one review points out, are identical to Eve Thomas's own voice in many of the chapters. Eve's online supporters came out in force to argue with anyone who gave the book a bad review. Some of them conflated criticism of the book with complicity in domestic violence and child abuse. I was disappointed to see Eve thank and congratulate these people via Twitter, assuring them that their actions were helping survivors.

At this time, stuff gets kind of hazy, because it was a lot of weird and off-putting coming hard and fast from a lot of different sources. On her blog, Eve continued to interpret the bad reviews as "bullying" and an attempt by abuse apologists and woman haters to silence the victims of domestic violence. She drew a line in the stand against these "bullies" and allegedly called her local police to report them.

One of the "bullies" keeping tabs on all of this was a blogger I absolutely adore, Tez Miller. Tez is a reader, reviewer, and book blogger familiar to basically every genre fiction writer I've ever met. She blogged about her concerns related to the One Voice book and Eve Thomas's handling of the situation. You can read that blog entry here.

I've known Tez for a very, very long time, so you can imagine my surprise when this showed up in my Twitter DMs:

I have known Tez online since 2006. I figured there must be some mistake.

Eve sent me a link to this blog post, which has since been edited to remove Tez Miller's name.

If you read further through Eve's blog, you begin to get a sense that something is... not quite right. She refers to the people who object to her behavior or question the legitimacy of her unregistered charity (and the GoodReads staff who closed her account for spamming) as trolls, bullies, international gang members, cyberterrorists, and child abusers:

"Amazon/Goodreads this time this will not go away. You are permitting the destruction of #OneVoice, you are permitting the destruction of my career, but most of all you are permitting the abuse and bullying of innocent people and turning a blind eye to the sexual role play that goes on with minors present, the threats, violence and attacks all with minors present and you do nothing about it!"

At this point, I'm going "Okay, I really fucking dodged a bullet by not submitting to her anthology." I was furious that she was trying to discredit people I trusted with such middle school tactics- and more furious that she thought I was dumb enough to fall for them- but she still had a ton of supporters, some of them people I had met through my 50 Shades of Grey blogging, and I didn't want to hurt those relationships, so I kept my mouth shut. I told Eve that I felt she was out of line and blocked her on Twitter. Out of sight, out of mind.

Yesterday, I was made aware of two things that made me say, "Ah, fuck it, I can't keep quiet about this anymore."

Thing #1: Eve Thomas is bullying and abusing people in domestic violence situations.In this link, complete with screencaps, Eve contacts a survivor of a past domestic violence situation and aggressively demands to know all the legal details of the case. She tells the survivor that she shouldn't be asking for donations to her legal fund because the "chains of the past" are "obviously holding you down." She is trying to set herself up not just as legal counsel here, but as a therapist, as well. Eve then contacts the police, without any prompting or request on the survivor's part. This is a hugely dangerous and irresponsible thing to do. Never contact any agency on behalf of someone in a DV situation unless they have expressly asked you to do so. Eve goes on to lecture this person about asking for money for help in her specific case. This coming from a woman running an unregistered charity?

Thing #2: Eve Thomas is stalking and bullying writers who contributed to the Fifty Shades of Abusebook. Remember those very nice people I met on line, who were involved in Eve's book and who I didn't want to break contact with? That's really not an issue anymore.

One writer, frustrated with Eve's behavior, asked to have her contribution removed from the book (these are copy/pasted from DM responses I received; I'm not going to correct them for typos or anything):

I wanted it pulled because she is bullying DV survivors who have disagreed with her heavy handed tactics, she manipulates and guilts people into not pulling their chapters because "think of the charities!", she says "that's all I will say" and then keeps harping on things she tells people to stop "harassing" her and to not contact, but she continues to mention them while telling her side. Man this just keeps going..... She screencaps tweets out of context and posts them as "proof of conspiracy," and she RTs things people say to her just so that her followers will jump up in defense of her, affirming to her that she is right and the other people are just mean Nasty women who want to silence her. She wants to speak for all women while ignoring and disempowering those of us who disagree with her. Oh, and now her supporters are accusing me of lying even though I truthfully stated that she has yet to pull the book even though we have reclaimed our personal copyrights and revoked permissions on our submissions. What's flooring me is that she publicly posts these tweets, and when we call her on it, we are accused of abuse and lying, etc.. And her "team" as she calls them goes to bat for her even though there's proof that she is the one doing the bullying. Blargh!! And if the word "gaslighting" hasn't been emphasized enough yet, that might need to be in there. About a hundred times.

"Gas Lighting" is a form of mental abuse that involves the denial of valid memories and aggressive attempts to reframe reality in order to make the victim believe the abuse isn't happening. For example, her repeated insistance that people had contacted her and asked for help, when it was Eve Thomas who initiated contact and offered help.

Another author who wanted her submission removed tried to set aside her differences with Eve in order to get her chapter out of the book. It did not, and continues to not, go well (again, c/ping from Twitter DMs, no corrections):

I've just had an email from her, accusing me of emotional abuse (exactly what I suffered through my ex, as she knows) and Warning me that every message I've sent to her could be sent to the police as part of a harassment suit against me (despite them all being Sent in response to messages she sent me first). She has warned me never to mention the term "#onevoice" in public ever again or action will Be taken against me. I'm just sat here like... WTF JUST HAPPENED?! Thankfully I've screen capped everything, but just... Ugh. she's still @ mentioning me, but threatening me with police if I mention her. She has also now admittedthat she is "monitoring" my tweets, so I've had to go onto protected mode. I haven't felt this violated since I was with my abusive ex. :-(

When I asked why this writer wanted her chapter pulled, she said:

I'd been unhappy with the way Eve was portraying herself for a while, but had put our personal disagreement to one side. But when I saw how she acted with [redacted], when she contacted the police without her consent and potentially put her in danger, I realised I really didn't wantbe associated with Eve in any way. Her subsequent actions/comments made my mind up that I felt uneasy at being a part of a project I now believe is the brainchild of someone who really shouldn't be putting herself forward as some kind of "saviour" of abuse victims.

By this morning, things had gotten worse:

Just for added info; I've blocked all Eve's email accounts, so she appears to have set up a new one in order to continue contacting me. :-/ I feel tragic saying this, but she genuinely scares me. I told her I was ceasing contact and wouldn't resond to further emails... ...yet they just keep on coming. With more threats of "police action" if I don't "cease" my "behaviour." Honestly think she's bonkers. :-/

Eve Thomas has set up a charity that is unregulated and unregistered. She is selling the Fifty Shades of Abuse book on the platform that all proceeds will be distributed to "charities around the world," but has yet to offer any proof that the funds are going anywhere but to One Voice. She is misrepresenting and stalking survivors who contributed to that book when they've asked to have their submissions removed due to concerns over her clearly deteriorating credibility as a domestic violence awareness campaigner.

So, what can you do, if you've become involved with Eve Thomas or her supporters and now you want out?

If you have submitted any material to the Fifty Shades of Abuse book, request to have it pulled and returned. Eve Thomas says that "every penny" of profit from the book will go to charity. We have no proof that this is the case. Do not allow her to use "think of the charities" as a defense or a reason to pressure you into dropping your copyright claims if you did not sign a contract with her or had only a verbal agreement with her (this appears to be the case with a couple of authors). Here is an excellent link that explains how to take the first steps.

If Eve contacts you online about abuse you have experience or are currently experiencing, do not engage. Eve is very friendly and personable, and it's easy to get drawn in by her "sweetie" and "honey" lingo. I believe she absolutely does care about survivors of domestic violence, but her perception of help is deeply flawed. She also has a habit of retweeting interactions to her supporters, so if you have engaged her on twitter, you may receive harassment from her followers. Do not engage with them, either.

Do not give Eve Thomas any information about yourself, your DV situation, or any pending legal issues. She has displayed a willingness to insinuate herself into these matters and could cause real damage. No matter how she pressures, do not reveal personal information.If Eve threatens you with legal action, save everything. Save tweets, DMs, emails. If she makes a new account to contact you (as she has done with others), keep track of that identity, too. It might come in handy later if she ever does manage to make a case against someone for "cyberterrorism" or "bullying," though I find it very difficult to believe that the "international investigation" she refers to her in blog is anything more than a delusion on Eve's part.

I hesitated to say anything about this whole mess. My interaction with Eve was nowhere near as bad as some people are experiencing. But I know there are writers, readers, and DV survivors at this blog who may have come into contact with Eve through me, either here or on Twitter. That makes me feel horribly responsible. I would not forward any of this information if I weren't truly concerned about the implications of this woman's actions. Contacting outside agencies on behalf of DV victims and survivors is DANGEROUS. Bullying, stalking, and harassing survivors is WRONG. And misusing police resources in order to report readers and reviewers as cyberterrorists because they didn't like your book? That's a level of self-importance and delusion that is FRIGHTENING.

I truly believe Eve Thomas thinks she is helping people. I also believe her when she says she feels abused, victimized, and bullied by these events. However, the fact remains that the only person doing anything abusive is Eve Thomas herself. I strongly urge anyone to gather as much information as possible before becoming involved with her charity, her publishing projects, or her, personally.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

You may recall that last week I forced my dear friend Bronwyn Green to watch what is probably the saddest, most dramatic, most cheekbones-havingest costume porn of all time, A Royal Affair. As she watched it, she IMed me so that we could share the experience.

My friend and fellow romance novelist Jessica Jarman had not yet seen the film. Bronwyn and I felt we had an obligation to bully her into watching it. So that's what we did. And then... this happened:

Thursday, June 13, 2013

I think this has something to do with the fact that the last week of school for my children was really busy and hectic, and frankly, I'm a lazy person. I've been really enjoying sleeping and getting up and not cleaning my kitchen and writing all day long on projects I want to work on. But that means I've been loathe to meet my other obligations, as evidenced by the week of no recaps last week. While I realize that most of you are cool with stuff posting just whenever, I feel like I have a responsibility to myself to stay on track with the schedule I've set for myself.

OH! That reminds me: for all you Roadhouse watchers, the last episode we filmed? Was amazing. Unfortunately, something went terribly wrong with the video. All we have is the audio. I'm working on a way to make that work. So, right now we're on a brief hiatus while I figure out a new way to film the show, fix the stuff we filmed, and plan on this NEVER HAPPENING AGAIN. This happened to us before, we filmed the perfect show and the file just VANISHED. We just have to stop filming good shows, I guess.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. Schedules and the "I Don't Wanna!"s. I've been writing like it's a compulsion. All I do, all day long, until my husband begs me to stop, is write. Yes, this is what I'm usually like, but somehow it's different over this past week. It's been less, "I am writing because it is my job and I enjoy it," more, "I am writing because IT CONSUMES ME UNTIL ALL THAT IS LEFT IS BONE AND ASH." And the weird thing is... I Don't Wanna. I don't want to write. I want to do other stuff. In eight days, I'm going on a retreat to an isolated cabin on the Keeweenaw peninsula, for the soul purpose of finishing The Girlfriend- or, at least, getting it very close to being finished- and trying to spot Mishipeshu. I know I've got a busy summer ahead of me when I get back, with revisions for Such Sweet Sorrow and proposals for the next two books in that series (Wondrous Strange), publishing the POD and e-book versions of The Boss and The Girlfriend, finishing and shopping out a proposal for another vampire series, and writing Raptors of The Great Plains. Maybe that's why I'm locked into the "I Don't Wanna!"s right now, as well as the compulsive writing.

There's no real point to telling you all of this, I just find it interesting/slightly worrying from a mental health standpoint. I'm going back and forth between wondering if this is a healthy thing going on, or the beginning of some mania.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

I'm not ashamed to say that when I find a movie or a TV show I love, I bully pretty much everyone I know into watching the same thing. Well, no. Scratch that. There are some things I know certain friends will never be into- I'm never going to marathon Adventure Time with my friend Cristin, for example, but D-Rock totally has me covered- so I make my recommendations/pleas/demands based on what I think people will like.

Hey, you know what my friend, erotic romance author Bronwyn Green, likes? SHIT THAT WILL MAKE HER CRY. So, when I watched A Royal Affair, a movie about Caroline Mathilda of Denmark and that time her boyfriend kind of took over the monarchy and stuff, I was like, "This is right up Bronwyn's alley.

I was originally going to write a short review and tell all of you guys to watch this movie if you haven't already, but what follows here is the transcript of our IMs as I forced Bronwyn to watch the movie and suffer as I suffered. I think it stands as a better testament of why you have to watch this thing.

It also gives you a pretty good example of why you never, ever, EVER, give me your IM name.

(I don't know why I'm including a spoiler warning here, because the movie is sort of loosely based on events that took place in actual European history over two-hundred years ago, but, you know. SPOILERS or whatever.)

Monday, June 10, 2013

In every generation there is a chosen one. She alone will never be quite successful at her attempts to cook quinoa. She will also recap every episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer with an eye to the following themes:

Sex is the real villain of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer universe.

Giles is totally in love with Buffy.

Joyce is a fucking terrible parent.

Willow's magic is utterly useless (this one won't be an issue until season 2, when she gets a chance to become a witch)

Xander is a textbook Nice Guy.

The show isn't as feminist as people claim.

All the monsters look like wieners.

If ambivalence to possible danger were an Olympic sport, Team Sunnydale would take the gold.

Angel is a dick.

Harmony is the strongest female character on the show.

Team sports are portrayed in an extremely negative light.

Some of this shit is racist as fuck.

Science and technology are not to be trusted.

WARNING: Some people have mentioned they're watching along with me, and that's awesome, but I've seen the entire series already and I'll probably mention things that happen in later seasons. So... you know, take that under consideration, if you're a person who can't enjoy something if you know future details about it.

Ray has been in a car accident, and he's been transfered to a hospital in Portland:

Portland? What the hell is he doing in Portland?

Yeah, why didn't they take him to Seattle Grace?

Seattle Grace is on Ana's proscribed list of hospitals. Because this.

Actually, it's better that they didn't take Ana's dad to Seattle Grace, because there are too many evil hot chicks there:

And of course, an evil gay man. Look at all of them, plotting to steal Ana's husband. Especially the blonde.

Ray has been airlifted to the Oregon Health and Sciences university hospital, and Mr. Rodriguez and José OMG I CAN ACTUALLY PUT THE ACCENT MARK IN BLOGGER'S COMPOSE MODE?! WHEN THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN?!

Ahem. José and his father will meet Ana in Portland. She calls her boss up and tells him what's going on, and tells Hannah to cancel all her appointments for the rest of the day and Monday. Which, of course, is going to affect her birth control shot again. I don't want to spoiler it for anyone, but Ana MAAAAAAY be pregnant.

Keeping in mind that Ana has worked there all of three months, three weeks of which she was on her honeymoon, is she really that integral to daily operations? Or by "muddle through" does Hannah mean, "We'll somehow manage to make it through our days without your husband dropping by to cause a scene and interrupt us all?"

The concern etched on her pinched, pale face is almost my undoing.

Even in crisis, Ana can think of the most unflattering adjectives possible to describe another woman.

Ana orders Sawyer to take her to Portland. This is how it goes down:

"We're going to Portland- now."

"Okay, ma'am," he says, frowning, but opens the door.

Moving is good.

"Mrs. Grey," Sawyer asks as we race toward the parking lot. "Can I ask why we're making this unscheduled trip?"

"It's my dad. He's been in an accident."

"I see. Does Mr. Grey know?"

"I'll call him from the car."

Compare this to Ana's interaction with Prescott in the chapter before, and earlier in the book when she goes out for drinks with Kate. Prescott fought with Ana over seeing Leila and going out with Kate, and ultimately she was fired when Ana did what she wanted to do. Ana just told Sawyer she's making an unscheduled trip to another state, and he's like, "Yes, ma'am." There is no chance of him getting fired, because he's a white male. And you might be thinking, "But Jenny, this is an emergency, her father is in the hospital." To you, I say, "This is Christian Fucking Grey. Why wouldn't he fire someone for driving Ana out of state without his express permission, even in an emergency? He only wants to keep her safe."

Ana tries to call Christian, but she gets his assistant, instead. She leaves a message and then he calls her immediately back, so... what was the point of a page-long conversation with his assistant? Why did we have to read that? She doesn't have any ECIF (external conflict/internal feelings) about not being able to reach Christian, it has nothing to do with the plot, but we had to read it because E.L. is, at this point, bored of writing this story and she's adding unneeded shit to pad out her word count.

Ana talks to Christian and tells him her father has been in an accident and she's heading to Portland. Christian is going to fly there to meet her, but he can't come for about three hours:

Oh shit. Charlie Tango is back in commission and the last time Christian flew her...

"I have a meeting with some guys over from Taiwan. I can't blow them off. It's a deal we've been hammering out for months."

Why do I know nothing about this?

Do we really need an answer here? Ana, you didn't know your husband had a list of people your security team was supposed to forbid you from seeing. Why would he tell you jack or shit about his business?

PS. Christian could have just said, "I'll meet you in three hours," but he had to be sure to mention flying. For a moment there, Ana was almost worried about someone other than Christian, which is obviously unacceptable.

After hanging up, I hug my knees once more. I know nothing about Christian's business. What the hell is he doing with the Taiwanese?

Ana knows nothing about his business, but she somehow finds it odd or incongruous that he would be working with a company from Taiwan? Why do we even have this thought in here? Shouldn't she be more concerned about the fact that her father has been airlifted somewhere after a horrible accident?

He must fly safely. My stomach knots anew and nausea threatens. Ray and Christian. I don't hink my heart could take that. Leaning back, I start my mantra again: Please let him be okay. Please let him be okay.

We all know she's talking about Christian and not her dad now, right?

After a section break, they arrive at OHSU:

My mind flits back to my last visit to OHSU, when, on my second day, I fell off a stepladder at Clayton's, twisting my ankle. I recall Paul Clayton hovering over me and shudder at the memory.

Now, we remember that Paul asked Ana out and she wasn't in to him. Maybe it's because it's been a year since I read the first book, but was he really like, so creepy and bad that you wouldn't want him to help you if you twisted your ankle? And hey, Ana, maybe he was hovering over you because you were a brand new employee and he was worried you'd sue his family business. But either way, this paragraph is stuck in here to remind us that Ana has never, ever had naughty down there feelings for any man other than Christian, and men are able to form intense and creepy obsessions with Ana in a mere two days. This is important to remember, because in the OR waiting room, she runs into José:

"Ana!" Mr. Rodriguez gasps. His arm is in a cast, and his cheek is bruised on one side. He's in a wheelchair with one of his legs in a cast, too. I gingerly wrap my arms around him.

If you're having a hard time picturing this totally original, wheelchair bound character, allow me to provide some help:

It's not plagiarism if everybody ignores it!

José gives Ana a hug:

José gently strokes my hair. I wrap my arms around his neck and softly weep. We stand like this for ages, and I'm so grateful that my friend is here. We pull apart when Sawyer joins us in the waiting room.

Because he'll inform on you to your husband. At this point, Sawyer mumbles into his headset, "She touched another man, sir. Should we initiate protocol Othello?" No, just kidding, that doesn't happen. But let's be honest here, we all know it could.

José holds up his hands to halt my barrage of questions and sits down beside me. "We don't have any news. Ray, Dad, and I were on a fishing trip to Astoria. We were hit by some stupid fucking drunk- "

Mr. Rodriguez tries to interrupt, stammering an apology.

"Cálmate,Papa," José snaps. "I don't have a mark on me, just a couple of bruised ribs and a knock on the head. Dad... well, Dad broke his wrist and ankle. But the car hit the passenger side and Ray."

According to Google maps, it taks about two hours and forty-six minutes to drive from Seattle, where Ana works, to Portland, where her dad is in the hospital. Mr. Rodriguez told Ana on the phone that he was about to leave the hospital in Astoria at the beginning of the chapter. But he has already a) been seen by doctors b) been sent for xrays c) had those xrays read, and d) been casted and released from the ER. Then he drove to the hospital and got there before Ana did. That entire "You've got a broken leg" process takes a lot of time, so... why didn't José call Ana to tell her? If he was fine, why did he wait until his dad was discharged for anyone to let Ana know that her father was seriously injured? Either the timeline here doesn't make sense, or the Rodriguezs are jerks.

Oh no, no... Panic swamps my limbic system again.

I get that Ana is supposed to be really, super smart, but how many times does the average person, in the middle of a serious emotional crisis, think, "My hippocampus is totally doing [x] right now?"

Ana is freezing, so José gives her his jacket and Sawyer gets her some tea:

Sawyer reenters, bearing a paper cup of hot water and a separate tea bag. He knows how I take my tea!

...made out of hot water and a tea bag? I don't...

We wait... and wait. Mr. Rodriguez with his eyes closed, praying I think, and José holding my hand and squeezing it every now and then. I slowly sip my tea. It's not Twinings, but some cheap nasty brand, and it tastes disgusting.

Like Twinings is the most posh and exclusive tea brand that there is? I'm dying. Twinings is like three dollars a box.

I remember the last time I waited for news. The last time I thought all was lost, when Charlie Tango went missing.

The tea was better then. It was rich people tea.

Closing my eyes, I offer up a silent prayer for the safe passage of my husband. I glance at my watch. 2:15 p.m. He should be here soon. My tea is cold... Ugh!

Really, Chedward? Really? You think she's trolling for a piece of ass in the hospital waiting room while her dad is fighting for his life? Way not trust your wife. What makes this even worse is, Ana doesn't even think, "Wow, I can't believe he really think I would cheat on him when my father is being operated on? What kind of person does he think I am?" She thinks:

Then I'm wrapped in his arms, his nose in my hair, and I'm inhaling his scent, his warmth, his love. A small part of me feels calmer, stronger, and more resilient because he's here. Oh, the difference his presence makes to my peace of mind.

So, there's that.

José introduces Christian to Mr. Rodriguez:

"Mr. Rodriguez- we met at the wedding. I take it you were in the accident, too?"

No, Christian, the wheelchair and casts are his Halloween costume, he thought he'd wear them to the hospital to see how convincing they were.

Once Christian has been filled in on the details of the accident, it's time to continue with his unchecked insecurity over Ana's friendship with José:

"Have you eaten?" he asks.

I shake my head.

"Are you hungry?"

I shake my head.

"But you're cold?" he asks, eyeing José's jacket.

I nod. He shifts in his chair, but wisely says nothing.

That's right. He's subtly letting Ana know how upset he is to have found her associating with José without his permission. So, I'm guessing we know at least one name on that "proscribed list."

A doctor comes in to update Ana on her father's condition:

"You're his next of kin?" the doctor asks. His bright blue eyes almost match his scrubs, and under any other circumstances I would have found him attractive.

So what you're saying is... they did go to Seattle Grace?

"I'm his daughter, Ana."

"Miss Steele-"

"Mrs. Grey," Christian interrupts him.

"My apologies," the doctor stammers, and for a moment I want to kick Christian.

Welcome to the club, Ana. Not the Sub Club, just the club of people who want to cause bodily harm to Christian Grey. Seriously, sit down, little boy. This is not about you.

"He's suffered severe internal injuries," Dr. Crowe says, "principally to his diaphragm, but we've managed to repair them, and we were able to save his spleen. Unfortunately, he suffered a cardiac arrest during the operation because of blood loss. We managed to get his heart going again, but this remains a concern. [...]"

No shit? His heart stopping is a concern? I never would have guessed. Also, excuse me, but if he was in that much danger of bleeding out, why did they attempt to save his spleen? If it were damaged and bleeding and he was that bad off, a surgeon would just take it out. In fact, until recently, a surgeon wasn't going to try and save your punctured spleen at all.

Here's another thing I don't understand- and if there are any trauma doctors or surgeons who read this blog, or medical school students or what have you, feel free to correct me on this stuff, I'm not a doctor- but if they were taken to the hospital in Astoria first, wouldn't they have treated the massive internal bleeding themselves to stabilize him, then sent him via helicopter to OHSU? It seems like peritoneal lavage would have been performed when Charlie Ray first came into the ER, and with a ruptured or punctured spleen they would have had to act fast. Dr. Crowe goes on to tell Ana that her father has a closed head injury, something that could have necessitated a transfer to a larger hospital, but it just seems sketch to me that they'd put someone with abdominal bleeding that bad in a helicopter and fly them to another hospital.

"And what's the prognosis?" Christian asks coolly.

"Mr. Grey, it's difficult to say at the moment. It's possible he could make a complete recovery, but that's in God's hands now."

I would be so mad if a doctor ever said that to me. Not just because I hate the default "of course everyone believes in God," but because it sounds like they're saying, "Well... basically... done here. Don't have a lot of interest in... you know. Saving your loved one. Let's just see what happens."

Ana gets permission to go see Ray, and Christian offers Sawyer's driving services to José and Mr. Rodriguez. Before they leave, José and Ana have a tender goodbye:

"Stay strong, Ana," José whispers in my ear. "He's a fit and healthy man. The odds are in his favor."

I hug him hard. Then, releasing him, I shrug off his jacket and hand it back to him.

"Keep it, if you're still cold."

"No, I'm okay. Thanks." Glancing nervously up at Christian, I see that he's regarding us impassively. Christian takes my hand.

Then he lifts his leg and pees on her, just in case all the other men in the hospital don't realize that she belongs to him.

And with that they leave. Christian and I are alone. He caresses my cheek. "You're pale. Come here." He sits down on the chair and pulls me onto his lap, folding me into his arms again, and I go willingly. I snuggle up against him, feeling oppressed by my stepfather's misfortune, but grateful that my husband is here to comfort me. He gently strokes my hair and holds my hand.

"How was Charlie Tango?" I ask.

He grins. "Oh, she was yar," he says, quiet pride in his voice. It makes me smile properly for the the first time in several hours, andI glance at him, puzzled.

"Yar?"

"It's a line from The Philadelphia Story. Grace's favorite film."

"I don't know it."

"I think I have it on Blu-Ray at home. We can watch it and make out."

Her dad is in a coma.

What's the point of introducing a quirky new phrase for a character two thirds of the way through the third and final (oh god, I pray it is the final) book? Just to fill space? So he can impress Ana with his knowledge of old movies? Why did this scene feel like a good fit here? Was any of this information needed by the reader at all?

No? It's just a self-indulgent crapfest, you say? All right, then, carry on.

Christian tells Ana about the Taiwanese shipyard he's just purchased. It's cheaper to build ship hulls in Taiwan. But what about the shipyard and the workers he already has in the states?

"We'll redeploy. We should be able to keep redundancies to a minimum." He kisses my hair.

Oh baby, talk some more of that sexy talk about shipping American jobs overseas. It gets me all hot and squirmy to think of you two fucking idiots rolling around in a bed covered in money and your love juices while some blue collar shipyard worker gets told he's a redundancy and ends up moving his family of four out of their foreclosed house and into a two bedroom apartment.

But enough with Christian's business, let's go into the ICU to see Ray. He's in a bad way. I won't quote the whole description, but he's on a ventilator, he's got a cast on one leg, and his chest is covered in a big bandage. This is all very disturbing to Ana, but not so disturbing that she can't notice a few key details about the situation:

"A petite young nurse stands to one side, checking his monitors.

"Can I touch him?" I ask her, tentatively reaching for his hand.

"Yes." She smiles kindly Her badge says KELLIE RN, and she must be in her twenties. She's blonde with dark, dark eyes.

Ana. Your father is in a coma. Do you really need to point out to us that his nurse is not a natural blonde?

Okay, okay. I'm caught. I'm criticizing something that is actually a crucial plot detail, because you see, just a few lines later, this happens:

"All Mr. Steele's vitals are good," Nurse Kellie says quietly.

"Thank you," Christian murmurs. I glance up in time to see her gape. She's finally gotten a good look at my husband. I don't care. She can gape at Christian all she likes as long as she makes my father well again.

See, we know that Kellie is no threat to Ana right now because she's not a natural blonde. If E.L. hadn't included the description of Kellie's blonde hair and dark eyes, we would never have known that her blonde beauty was artifice, and we, the vapid, shallow readership of this crap, would have been more concerned with the possibility of yet another evil!blonde ruining Ana's perfect fairy tale happiness. You know, instead of worrying about the dude in the bed in the coma.

"Can he hear me?" I ask.

"He's in a deep sleep. But who knows?"

Nurses do. Nurses know that coma patients can hear what's going on around them. I worked in an ICU/NCU, and I heard nurses every day telling people to talk to their loved ones, because they could hear them, or turning on the television so the people in the coma had noise to listen to. And this isn't some big mystery or anything; people who have been in comas often report that they were aware of what was happening around them.

"Can I sit for a while?"

"Sure thing." She smiles at me, her cheeks pink from a telltale blush. Incongruously, I find myself thinking blonde is not her true color.

No, Ana, that's not incongruous. You often think jealous, bitter, and uncharitable thoughts about other women and their appearances. Who do you think you're fooling here?

Christian goes out to make a phone call, while Ana stays with Ray and talks to him:

Very quietly, so as not to disturb anyone, I tell him about our weekend in Aspen and about last weekend when we were soaring and sailing aboard The Grace. I tell him about our new house, our plans, about how we hope to make it ecologically sustainable. I promise to take him to Aspen so he can go fishing with Christian and assure him that Mr. Rodriguez and José will both be welcome, too.

Worst. Coma. Ever. Can you imagine being unable to wake up, move your body, speak, but you have to listen to Anastasia Rose Steele talk to you? I would suggest they make a Twilight Zone episode about it, but I'm sure E.L. would just see Twilight in the title and plagiarize that, too. Plus, Ana is lying to this poor man; there's no way in hell José is ever going to Aspen with them.

After a while, Christian suggests they check into a hotel so Ana can rest and stay close to the hospital. Gosh, I wonder where they'll go?

The suite at the Heathman looks just as I remember it. How often have I thought about that first night and morning I spent with Christian Grey? I stand in the entrance to the suite, paralyzed. Jeez, it all started here.

Yeah, three long, long months ago, when your dreamy romance boyfriend kidnapped you from a night out with your friends and brought your unconscious body here and put you in his bed. He is truly Prince Charming.

"Do you want a shower? A bath? What do you need, Ana?" Christian gazes at me, and I know he's rudderless- my lost boy dealing with events beyond his control. He's been withdrawn and contemplative all afternoon. This is real life in the raw, and he's kept himself from that for so long, he's exposed and helpless now. My sweet, sheltered Fifty Shades.

I'm glad Ana is concentrating on the most important part of this whole ordeal with her father being on deaths' door: how Christian is handling it and whether or not he's able to fulfill his yearning for absolute control. Because I totally care about that psychopath's internal struggle right now.

"Oh, Ana," Christian murmurs. "I've not seen you like this. You're normally so brave and strong."

No she isn't.

They go to take a bath together, and Ana asks Christian if he got in the bathtub with Leila when he bathed her after her breakdown. He says he didn't, and then Ana asks how long he's going to support Leila.

"Until she's on her feet. I don't know." He shrugs. "Why?"

"Are there others?"

"Others?"

"Exes who you support."

"There was one, yes. No longer though."

"Oh?"

"She was studying to be a doctor. She's qualified now and has someone else."

WELL THANK GOD FOR THAT. CAN'T HAVE ALL THOSE UNMATED FEMALES RUNNING AROUND ALL WILLY-NILLY WITH THEIR DEGREES AND SELF-RELIANCE.

"Leila says you have two of her paintings," I whisper.

"I used to. I didn't really care for them. They had technical merit, but they were too colorful for me. I think Elliot has them As we know, he has no taste."

I giggle, and he wraps his other arm around me, sloshing water over the side of the bath.

"That's better," he whispers and kisses my temple.

"He's marrying my best friend."

"Then I'd better shut my mouth," he says.

Christian is being a good partner by distracting Ana with her favorite subject: dissing other women. Ana should be feeling a lot better about herself and her dad's situation now.

After a section break there is a pointless scene in which Christian gripes about Paul at Clayton's having a crush on Ana, because that is just unacceptable that any man laid eyes on her before Christian Grey came along, then there is another section break. In another pointless section, Ana and Christian talk about how young Ana looks and how she's going to be a year older the next day, and then Christian tries to get her to eat again, but she just wants to go back to the hospital.

Remember how I said before that these recaps would get shorter because not much was happening in the book? It is super evident in this chapter. The weird thing is, there's almost too much plot happening at any one time in the storyline, but there still is nothing happening now. Which means that when the plot actually does happen, it will be wrapped up with unrealistic speed. So if you've been really concerned and worried that the book might get unexpectedly good and there will be nothing to be angry over or to mock, don't worry. That definitely does not happen.

Christian and Ana go back to the ICU so Ana can say goodnight to her father. José is there, visiting, but he's just about to leave:

"I'M MEXICAN!" José screams, pulling a sombrero and serape out of no where before playing a jaunty tune with his Tejano band.

"He's still nuts about you," Christian says quietly.

"No he's not. And even if he is... " I shrug because right now I just don't care.

"And even if he is... it doesn't matter, because you've put your tiny golden shackle on me, and I'll be your prisoner forever."

Isn't it amazing how we're all reading this book where we're rooting for the heroine to end up with the guy who was basically going to date rape her in the first book of the series? Because compared to the guy she's actually with, he seems like the best option? What the fuck, world?

"Well done," I murmur.

He frowns.

"For not frothing at the mouth."

We're giving him praise for not causing a scene at her possibly dying father's beside over his petty insecurities. DREEEEEAAAAAM MAN.

Not a lot happens in this hospital visit, except Christian has had his mother and a Dr. Sluder, an "expert in her field," come to evaluate Ray's condition. Dr. Sluder assures Ana that her father will be okay. We don't learn what Dr. Sluder's field is. For all we know, it's farming mushrooms or building yurts or something.

After a section break, we're back at the Heathman, and Ana and Christian are going to bed.

We're not going to make love? And I'm relieved. In fact, he's had a totally hands-off approach with me all day. I wonder if I should be alarmed by this turn of events, but since my inner goddess has left the building and taken my libido with her, I'll think about it in the morning.

Sign #2,598,390 that this is not a healthy relationship: you should never have to wonder if the person you're with is mad at you for not having sex with them during a tragedy.

"Promise me you'll eat something tomorrow. I can just about tolerate you wearing another man's jacket without frothing at the mouth, but, Ana... you must eat. Please."

Ah, sign #2,598,391, right on schedule.

"Thank you for being here," I mumble and sleepily kiss his chest.

"Where else would I be? I want to be wherever you are, Ana. Being here makes me think of how far we've come. And the night I first slept with you. What a night that was. I watched you for hours. You were just... yar," he breathes.

Why is this coming up again? Is this a thing they're going to be saying now? Like "Laters, baby?" Because I may have reached my threshold of tolerance for these morons saying stupid shit.

"Sleep," he murmurs, and it's a command. I close my eyes and drift.

Every time I end a chapter with characters going to sleep or begin a chapter with them waking, I think about these books and I feel so, so ashamed.

That's it for this thrilling chapter, that was not in any way at all a means to stretch a third book out of what was originally a two-story series to bilk readers for more money.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

This week on Roadhouse, we share our beliefs (or lack thereof) and our frustration with religion in the United States.

A note about last week's show: D-Rock was really touched by all your comments and support about the loss of her job. She'll update you all on that next week, but in the mean time, your messages were amazing.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

In 2008, I was a healthy- if just a touch overweight- twenty-eight year old when I gave birth to my daughter, Wednesday. Labor was so easy, I actually stayed at home and did laundry until my grandparents and husband pushed me out the door, fearing I would give birth in the car. I arrived at the hospital just four hours before Wednesday came into the world, and I shoved her out with one heroic push. ONE.

With the exception of my slightly premature daughter's inability to nurse, the entire experience was easy. So easy that I was up and walking around my hospital room within thirty minutes of delivery, to the horror of my doctor.

So you can imagine that it came as a huge shock when, a mere eight weeks later, I could no longer walk, stay awake, or otherwise function.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

This week's Roadhouse is a little sad. But we get the sadness out of the way up front, then hit you with an amazing idea for a super cool reality show.

NOTE: D-Rock is aware of her legal rights. Due to the sensitive nature of the topic, it would be awesome if we could refrain from offering legal advice or "you should" or "if I were you." However, we encourage you to share your stories of workplace harassment and discrimination in the comments.

Monday, May 27, 2013

In every generation there is a chosen one. She alone will finish Hemlock Grove and sit there for an hour going, "What the hell did I just watch?" She will also recap every episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer with an eye to the following themes:

Sex is the real villain of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer universe.

Giles is totally in love with Buffy.

Joyce is a fucking terrible parent.

Willow's magic is utterly useless (this one won't be an issue until season 2, when she gets a chance to become a witch)

Xander is a textbook Nice Guy.

The show isn't as feminist as people claim.

All the monsters look like wieners.

If ambivalence to possible danger were an Olympic sport, Team Sunnydale would take the gold.

Angel is a dick.

Harmony is the strongest female character on the show.

Team sports are portrayed in an extremely negative light.

Some of this shit is racist as fuck.

Science and technology are not to be trusted.

WARNING: Some people have mentioned they're watching along with me, and that's awesome, but I've seen the entire series already and I'll probably mention things that happen in later seasons. So... you know, take that under consideration, if you're a person who can't enjoy something if you know future details about it.

Do you ever have one of those moments where you think, "I should do [x] before [y] happens," and then, before you can do anything else, [y] happens and you're like, "Fuck you, self. Why didn't you warn me in time?"

Last night, I lost all of The Girlfriend and The Stranger.

Through the help of my miracle tweeps, I was able to recover all of The Girlfriend and 3,000 words of The Stranger, which had been sitting at 17k, but I'll take what I can get!

Thank you so much to everyone who talked me through this on Twitter all night long. I was up until six in the morning trying to save The Stranger, but ultimately I had to give up. However, when you guys are reading The Girlfriend, be sure to thank your lucky stars for Twitter user I Am The Liquor, who saved every piece of it.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Something wretched has happened to me. I think I have food poisoning. I'll be back if I don't die. Recap of Buffy is on hold. Recap of 50 Shades Freed is on hold, because I'm nauseated enough.

Sorry, guys.

ETA: I am no longer dying, but if I don't wind up P90X ripped from the workout my chest and abdomen got last night, I'm going to be piiiiiiiiissed. Look for a Buffy recap and a late edition of Roadhouse on Monday.

As for everyone who suggested I was intentionally poisoning myself to avoid reading 50 Shades Freed... that's actually quite a good idea.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

If you follow me on twitter, or if you were awakened this morning by what sounded like the screams of a thousand beansidhe wailing for the future of original fiction and fandom in one long, desperate howl, then you're aware that Amazon is a nest of fucking vampires who will not rest until they suck the very life out of the industry that built them. I'm speaking, of course, about the new Kindle Worlds program, a venue for fanfic writers who really don't give a shit about the creations they're purporting to love to exploit the fuck out of fandom and sell what in the past has always been given away for free out of integrity and a need to not get sued. You can read about the fucking travesty here at The Mary Sue, although they take a much different view of this bullshit than I do.

I was going to come here and write a scathing post about why this is shitty and why it will harm both fandom and original fiction, but you know what? I am tired of feeling like Ned Stark at King's Landing. I'm not going to be the Hand of the King on this one. If readers and ficcers want to be Robert Baratheon and refuse to see that the boar of paid fanfiction is wearing Amazon's Lannister colors...

Wait. Let me dial my nerd back a little.

Basically, I'm not going to rant on the subject (at least here; my twitter account is going to be bitter and terrible for A WHILE), because it has yet to do me any good other than getting a nice mad on and whipping you all up in an angry frenzy. Instead, I'm going to do something constructive that I've been considering for a little while.

Ever since I started recapping 50 Shades last year (Jesus, a year. A year of my fucking life) I have had requests to read people's original fiction and fanfiction. Some of you have written to me asking if I can be as critical of your work as I am of 50, and that's very flattering. However, everyone has gotten a no. Not because I don't love and care about you all, dear readers, but I just don't have the time to fulfill these requests. I write about forty-thousand words a month, excluding the 50 and Buffy recaps, so I really just don't have time left over for stuff like beta reading or leaving the house or showering.

In my spare time (which exists in the same magical realm as dragons and unicorns and plus-sized jeans that aren't made of stretch material that make them super fall-downish), I'm the president of a not-for-profit group that seeks to help writers at all stages of their careers. We have a mentor program, in which an author further along in their career helps someone who is either just starting out or is stuck and doesn't know the next step or whatever, and sometimes that turns into a beta reading relationship. I don't know why this didn't occur to me before, but you can credit one of the blog regulars, Thea K, with giving me the mental push into, "Oh yeah, I could do this" land.

If so many of you are looking for beta readers... why not pair y'all up HERE?

So, this is how it's going to work:

Leave a brief comment with the genre, word count (or estimated word count), and a one sentence description of your work. That's really all that someone needs to know whether or not their project is for you. "High Fantasy, 100k, a girl embarks on a quest to avenge her father, murdered by a wizard."

Leave people some way of getting ahold of you. Your twitter (if your account is unprotected), your facebook, your GoodReads account, your email address (youraddress at domain dot com, to avoid spambots) so that if someone is interested in beta reading your work, they can find you.

Volunteer to read someone else's work. This will only be beneficial to everyone if everyone participates and volunteers their time. You can work it out between yourselves and set your own limits, whether you're looking for someone to read a chapter at a time or the whole work in one piece, and what you're willing to do in return. But you have to give something back, either to the person who volunteers or another person in the comments section.

Leave a follow up comment when you have a reader. This is for two reasons: one, so you don't keep getting people offering you help when other people on the list are waiting, and so there's a record that someone read your work, in case something... untoward goes down. Which leads us to the next and final step:

Don't be a dick. Don't plagiarize, don't leak chapters, don't mock people, just don't. Don't be a dick. I think most of us here are not dicks, so this should be a pretty easy one to follow.

This is not a fanfic beta reader search. It's easier to find a reader in fandom to beta your fandom works. Go through those message boards and channels instead. This is for original fiction only.

With that said, I'll just leave the rest of it in your hands. If you're looking for a beta and this post helps, awesome. If it all collapses like one of Clara's souffles, then whatever. At this point, I just want to do whatever I can to help original fiction writers. It seems pretty clear that it's going to get more difficult for all of us as the industry leans toward the joys of destroying fiction in general.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have some Valjean/Javert "What if they were gay and also in high school?" fanfic I need to polish off so I can make thirty-nine bajillion dollars.

Monday, May 20, 2013

I sit on the barstool beside my husband, who just looks radiant: freshly showered, his hair damp, wearing a crisp white shirt and that silver-gray tie. My favorite tie. I have fond memories of that tie.

And the picture that resulted?

Well done, my friend. Well done.

Also, Thea K believes this link will be of particular interest to everyone, and I am inclined to agree. It's an E! documentary on 50 Shades of Grey. I tried to watch it, but they said the book was selling at a rate of 1 per second, and I had to turn it off because I'm trying not to self harm anymore.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Hey there everybody! I've got .pdf ARCs of The Boss available for reviewers. To request one, fill out this form.

I'm asking that only people who seriously want to review the book, either on their blog, or another blog they review for, or a GoodReads account, request ARCs. I'm not trying to be elitist or jerky and let some readers have something other readers don't get, it's just a signal boost for the book as we near the end and the release of the free ebook and the paperback version.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

In every generation there is a chosen one. She alone will forget to change this opening comment before posting. She will also recap every episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer with an eye to the following themes:

Sex is the real villain of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer universe.

Giles is totally in love with Buffy.

Joyce is a fucking terrible parent.

Willow's magic is utterly useless (this one won't be an issue until season 2, when she gets a chance to become a witch)

Xander is a textbook Nice Guy.

The show isn't as feminist as people claim.

All the monsters look like wieners.

If ambivalence to possible danger were an Olympic sport, Team Sunnydale would take the gold.

Angel is a dick.

Harmony is the strongest female character on the show.

Team sports are portrayed in an extremely negative light.

Some of this shit is racist as fuck.

Science and technology are not to be trusted.

WARNING: Some people have mentioned they're watching along with me, and that's awesome, but I've seen the entire series already and I'll probably mention things that happen in later seasons. So... you know, take that under consideration, if you're a person who can't enjoy something if you know future details about it.

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IMPORTANT!

I love that my readers want to buy my books out of support/curiosity. Any books I have written will be under Jennifer Armintrout/Abigail Barnette/Jenny Trout. I have no other pen names, and books without those names on them were not written by me, even if the spelling is really, really close.

Heads up, Dear Reader

This is the official blog of Jenny Trout, writer, swearer, and all around obscene person. Under the name Jennifer Armintrout, I wrote USA Today Bestselling fantasy/urban fantasy/paranormal romance. Under the pseudonym Abigail Barnette, I write award-winning romance and erotic romance, both historical and contemporary.

What you can expect to find here in 2013:

Chapter-by-chapter recaps of 50 Shades Freed

Updates on my free online erotic romance serial, The Boss

An in-depth re-watch of the entire series of Buffy the Vampire Slayer

The occasional post about cake

Lots of swearing

Comment policy

Say whatever you want, but if it's abusive, racist, misogynistic, or generally jerky, be prepared for other commenters to rip you apart. I am fully prepared to watch you guys eat each other. Spam comments will also be eaten, because I fucking love Spam.

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I'm mentally ill!

I suffer from depression, anxiety, OCD, OTD, and self-harm. Do you? Don't be embarrassed about it, okay? It's not your fault.

I find that when I'm down, I can stave off a total crash by listening to music. This is the music that helps me. Maybe it will help you, too. This is my "Get The @#$% Out Of Here, Depression!" playlist on Spotify.