LAPD Discovers Hidden Deformed Olsen Triplet

After Birth

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

ROCKVILLE, MD—Explaining that most young people mistakenly believe the popular drug to be safe for recreational use, officials from the National Institute on Drug Abuse unveiled a new anti-MDMA campaign Friday warning teens about the dangers of feeling deep emotional connections to others.

BAY LAKE, FL—Citing the 75 percent increase in ticket prices over the past decade, a report published Thursday by consumer research firm McGann & Associates found that the rising cost of admission to Walt Disney World is prompting more parents to leave their children at home when visiting the popular resort.

NEW YORK—After reviewing the job candidate’s impressive educational background, research experience, and work history, hiring managers at Geneventis Pharmaceuticals reportedly flat-out asked female applicant Caitlyn Heard today about how much mileage they can get out of her before she has a baby.

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

NEW YORK—Speaking for the first time since waking from a medically induced coma following a devastating car accident, 8-year-old Aiden Miller recounted an extremely vivid near-death experience Friday that reportedly contained detailed descriptions of heaven, angels, and a six-figure book deal.

WESTON, CT—Visibly shocked and repulsed by her own behavior as she sat questioning the type of person she is deep down, unsettled 2-year-old Ellie Ritter admitted to reporters that she had no idea what compelled her to bite her friend on the face Thursday.

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

WASHINGTON—Saying that in most places they are piled up 5 or 6 feet high, a report released Thursday by the Pew Research Center revealed that every one of the country’s ditches is currently overflowing with the children of worried parents.

MADISON, WI—Saying that he is constantly offering words of encouragement and various pointers on maintaining a proper stance, sources confirmed Tuesday that no one at Damen’s Sports Complex appears to know a middle-aged man leaning against the batting cages giving people hitting advice.

POTOMAC, MD—Providing male employees with an alternative to the standard one or two weeks off, executives from investment firm Wyndham Capital announced Tuesday that the company had begun offering extended paternity leave to any new fathers wanting more time to lose their colleagues’ respect.

WASHINGTON—Revealing an increase in nontraditional family structures, a report released Thursday by the Pew Research Center found that more American children are being raised by carjackers who didn’t realize there was someone in the backseat.

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Saying the terrifying scenario plays out in a typical mother or father’s mind several times per day, a report released Monday by researchers at Rutgers University revealed that losing a child in a high-stakes underground poker tournament remains Americans’ biggest parenting fear.

EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—Hoping to gain some insight from his incredible wealth of knowledge and experience, younger Minnesota Vikings players told reporters Friday that they have been picking running back Adrian Peterson’s brain during minicamp for helpful parenting advice.

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying she was glad to finally be able to apply her psychiatric training, local child therapist Pamela Thornton expressed her excitement to reporters Friday at the prospect of seeing a patient with actual psychological issues.

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

HAMILTON, OH—Following in the same patterns of viciousness and savagery that have persisted since the dawn of mankind, the 2.8-million-year-old cycle of human cruelty reportedly continued unabated Tuesday on the playground of Hamilton Elementary School.

‘Nothing To Worry About,’ Officials Say

PORTAGE, IN—Saying it barely counted as an abduction at all, officials from the Portage Police Department assured residents that a reported kidnapping Tuesday morning was just one of those custody-related ones.

NEW YORK—Nervously checking his watch and glancing around the desolate underground parking garage in anticipation, The Today Show host Matt Lauer was reportedly waiting for an anonymous source with inside knowledge of the latest parenting trends during the early morning hours Thursday.

COLUMBIA, MD—In a purely self-interested move that is certain to set the tone for the next 18 years, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Rebecca McBride is already off to a bad start as a mother after requesting an epidural during the delivery of her first child.

HUDSON, WI—Making engine noises with his mouth as he guided a model bulldozer toward a Hot Wheels racetrack play set, local 5-year-old Dylan Walde was reportedly unaware Wednesday just how many of his toys have been purchased to steer him away from one day adopting a homosexual lifestyle.

VILLANOVA, PA—Confirming that it is the single most frequent thought on fathers’ minds, a study released Monday by researchers at Villanova University found that the average dad thinks about sealing in meat’s juices between four and five hours per day.

LOS ANGELES—Offering mothers and fathers a greater degree of control than ever over their baby’s development in utero, UCLA scientists announced a new procedure Wednesday that gives parents the ability to select the sexiness of their child.

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

BOULDER, CO—Expressing frustration over the dearth of options that met her high standards, local mother Shannon Gail confirmed Monday that she was still looking for a preschool that would focus exclusively on her son.

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

ALAMEDA, CA—Thinking back on the moments that brought him the most joy in his life, local 13-year-old Adam Poole reportedly spent Tuesday afternoon reminiscing about several of his fondest memories, all of which were instances when his father was trying to make up for something.

WICHITA, KS—Searching for something to take his attention off the uncomfortable domestic dispute occurring just a few feet away, a local 6-month-old fetus reportedly decided Monday to pretend he couldn’t hear the loud argument coming from the other side of the uterine wall.

MONROEVILLE, PA—Listing off a litany of structural and technological flaws, the nation’s leading aerospace engineers issued a stern warning Thursday that local 6-year-old Bradley Koenig’s design for a spaceship is entirely unsafe.
Expert...

SEATTLE—Describing it as an increasingly popular option for those seeking to start a family, a report released Wednesday by the University of Washington found that a growing number of couples are choosing to use a surrogate to have and raise their b...

KATONAH, NY—Catching sight of a bathrobe-clad figure tiptoeing around the kitchen as he awoke on the nearby living room floor, early-rising slumber party guest Caleb Robbins, 9, confirmed Sunday that he had been granted an exclusive look at his frie...

ROCKFORD, IL—Patting down his onesie with mounting concern, local 8-month-old Joshua McManus was reportedly overcome by a sharp, sinking feeling Monday upon realizing he had left home without his oversize multicolor plastic keys.

MIDDLETON, WI—Spending the first 15 minutes of class providing an overview of the game’s litany of complicated rules, local ninth-grade gym teacher Marcus Hartwell invented an elaborate sport Friday using just foam cubes, scooters, and plastic...

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

KENWOOD, OH—Saying she has a lot of nerve to try and pull something like this, employees of insurance agency Boland & Sons told reporters Wednesday that coworker Emily Nelson seems to believe she can just waltz back into work after her maternity...

POUGHKEEPSIE, NY—As they each attempted to avoid the responsibility while still upholding the appearance of selfless concern, the three adult siblings of the MacIntyre family engaged in a tense game of chicken to decide which of them would care for ...

GILBERT, AZ—Saying they couldn’t bear to see their boy upset, unhappy local couple Denise and Peter Gale resolved to stay together for the sake of one of their children, 7-year-old Daniel, sources reported Monday.

DENVER—Expressing their sympathy for the difficult and humiliating situation he was currently enduring, passengers seated in Terminal B of Denver International Airport told reporters Friday how sorry they felt for a flustered toddler who was traveli...

BUFFALO, NY—Providing sufficient time for him to strategize and make necessary preparations ahead of his son Brendan’s arrival, area father Thomas Glidewell reportedly received a highly sensitive communiqué Thursday providing advance in...

MERIDIAN, ID—Students at Union Junior High School reported Monday that eighth-grade history teacher Evelyn Carmody, a tireless educator who has dedicated her whole life to the vocation of teaching, is a total goddamn bitch.

BEDFORD, VA—Admitting she had not had any real alone time in years, local mother Terri Pope told reporters Tuesday that she could have used a few more days to herself before being reunited with her missing daughter, Allison.

WEST ALLIS, WI—Forcefully asserting that two-hand touch football is “for girls,” reports out of Greenfield Park confirmed Monday that a small but aggressive faction of seventh-graders are staunchly in favor of playing tackle.

After years of losing young consumers to competing doll brands like Bratz and Monster High, Mattel has decided to completely make over Barbie by releasing a new line of dolls that are racially diverse, have the ability to talk, can bend their ankles, a...

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—According to a study published Thursday by researchers at the University of Virginia, the majority of American mothers would be willing to drop off their small children at a warehouse with the words “Fun Zone” spray-p...

LYNCHBURG, VA—Noting the addition of some nice new shops and restaurants downtown, local mom Erica Dodson, 52, confirmed during a phone call with her daughter Ashlee today that their hometown actually has a lot going on now.

Don’t Eat It

HARRISONBURG, VA—Saying there were plenty of other things to snack on, local mom Susan Weiss announced Friday that she has a plan for the tub of whipped cream in the refrigerator, so no one is allowed to eat it.

ST. JOSEPH, MI—After he became confused during their most recent morning lesson, sources confirmed Friday that local preschooler Alex Hamlin asked to borrow the notes that classmate Liam Benson had taken on shapes.

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday.
Teenager...

MYSTIC, CT—Expressing frustration while viewing the Mystic Aquarium’s stingray exhibit with his family, local dad Jeff Palmer told reporters Wednesday that he didn’t shell out $100 of his hard-earned cash just to listen to a lecture abou...

CHICAGO—Admitting it took them some time to come around to the idea, the parents of local woman Laura Stevens said Wednesday that they had finally accepted their daughter’s mixed-attractiveness relationship with Kyle Baker, a man who is consid...

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

SANTA CRUZ, CA—Saying that she wanted to be as fair as possible, local mother Joyce Ferrario told reporters Tuesday that she is trying her best to project equal amounts of insecurity onto her three teenage girls.

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—Smiling as their children played among the mounds of gray, icy slop, local parents told reporters Tuesday that a dirty slush machine had successfully provided their families with a small taste of winter in Florida.

TAUNTON, MA—Noting the limited number of gifts requested and the omission of the year’s most popular toys, sources confirmed Wednesday that 12-year-old David Huffman’s Christmas list demonstrates a heartbreaking awareness of his family...

WASHINGTON—Confirming that U.S. students’ competency in the area of knowledge had only increased in recent years, a Pew Research Center report published Tuesday found that young Americans continue to lead the world in their awareness of which ...

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

FALMOUTH, ME—Shaking their heads at the dense numbskull’s completely idiotic priorities, sources confirmed Friday that moron stepfather Jeffrey Ryan, 36, is taking care of a 3-year-old child who does not even possess his genetic material.

BETHLEHEM, PA— Acknowledging that she once considered conceiving a child to be the greatest threat to her future, local woman Rebecca Davis confirmed Wednesday that she has transitioned from being terrified of getting pregnant to being terrified she...

LEBANON, PA—Claiming the extracurricular activity has brought out a side of their son they’ve never seen before, the parents of local student Dylan Martel told reporters Monday that the high school senior has shown tremendous dedication ever s...

SLATSBURY, OH—Sharing tender smiles with each other as they recounted the story they will one day tell their grandchildren, sweethearts Beth Adelwright and Jason Knelberg told reporters Friday how they met underneath the same small table during an a...

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Discouraged that the process seems so simple for other couples, Doug and Linda Bergeron told reporters Thursday that they are growing increasingly frustrated after many months of trying unsuccessfully to sell a baby.

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

NEWTON, MA—Looking out their classroom windows at the masses of dejected and weary adults throughout the school day, students at Lincoln Eliot Elementary School told reporters this afternoon that they could not help but feel deeply depressed after c...

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

SAN JOSE, CA—With estimates ranging from “two marshmallows smushed together” to “the size of a basketball,” fourth-graders at Greystone Elementary differed in opinion over how much their allergic classmate’s face swelle...

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Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

ELKHART, IN—Saying even the tiniest moment of leisure counted, local man Brian Rabe told reporters Sunday that he was attempting to wring every last drop of relaxation from the single day that remained of his time off from work.

ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

LAPD Discovers Hidden Deformed Olsen Triplet

LOS ANGELESA ragged and misshapen girl officials are calling a "third Olsen twin" was rescued from the basement of the residence of teen superstars Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen Tuesday, Los Angeles police said.

Ethel, the previously unknown Olsen.

"The girl has been positively identified as a sister of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, born on the same day in June 1986," said LAPD Capt. Ellen Yanez, relating information provided in a confession by parents David and Janette Olsen, now divorced. "The monstrously contorted child was discovered living in conditions that could charitably be described as squalid."

Currently in custody at LAPD headquarters, the twisted, hunched, foul-smelling figure of Ethel Olsen, 17, is drawing both pity and horror from investigators.

"With hair covering over 60 percent of her diminutive body, teeth protruding through her bottom lip, and her only useful limb a prehensile claw, Ethel would make a poor slumber-party companion," Yanez said. "The Olsen family's actions are understandable, if ultimately unconscionable."

According to Yanez, the Olsen family was able to conceal Ethel's birth from public record because the triplets were born during a camping trip in an isolated area of the Sierra Nevada mountains.

"Ethel was reportedly the last to be delivered, and the family recoiled in horror to see such a deformed and unsightly creature emerge from a womb that had housed her two cherubic sisters," Yanez said. "A reluctant sense of duty toward the infant forced her parents to bring her home, but pity soon turned to revulsion, and after a ghastly and traumatic attempt at nursing, the wretch was relegated to the cellar, where she was locked in a cage and fed through a garden hose."

The Olsens' plans to anonymously abandon Ethel at a convent were thwarted in 1987, when Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, barely 1 year old, found fame sharing the role of Michelle Tanner on the ABC sitcom Full House.

"The parents didn't want to risk any chance of negative publicity," said Lieut. Ron Mudd, one of the detectives who questioned the Olsens. "Someone at an orphanage might have spotted the dim similarities the hideous mutant bore to her apple-cheeked siblings, who only grew in popularity as the years went by."

A scene from Ethel's first film project, currently in production.

Continued Mudd: "It appears that Ethel was continuously kept on the cusp of survival, the family's tenuous belief in the sanctity of life the only thing that kept her fed and sheltered. That she received no love is evident. To be fair, it is hard to love someone whose hairless body parts are covered with scales, half-inch thick toenails, and a harelip that extends past her brow."

Although an investigation is still underway, some details of Ethel's 17 tortured years have been made public. According to the police report, Ethel's cellar dwelling had no heat or ventilation, and only a single grimy, barred basement window provided light. There was no plumbing, so Ethel was forced to scuttle into a corner and defecate in a drain.

When found, the girl was clad in mismatched, threadbare castoffs from Mary-Kate and Ashley's Wal-Mart clothing line. She slept on a heavily tarnished serving tray believed to have been taken from a craft-services table on the set of the 2001 straight-to-video release Holiday In The Sun. Police say she subsisted on rainwater, half-eaten bagels salvaged from talk-show green rooms, and any small rodents she was able to catch; she saved their bones in a corner, along with a pile of coughed-up pellets. The girl owned no toys other than a headless Mattel Ashley doll, onto which she had stuck hanks of her own body hair.

Investigators say that Ethel communicates in guttural grunts and wheezes, as well as the occasional piercing howl. She is fond of rocking on her haunches and humming the same tune fragment, which is believed to be an extremely off-key version of the song "I Am The Cute One," recorded by the Olsen Twins in 1992.

"Perhaps she heard the song emanating from upstairs and it made an impression in her twisted, imbecilic psyche," Mudd said. "The irony is annihilating."

Police rescued Ethel after receiving a tip from an aromatherapist employed by the Olsens. The woman alerted authorities that she had detected a "distinctly un-jasminelike" odor emanating from the basement door of the three-story home.

Ethel's condition has shocked even those on the battle-hardened LAPD.

"My daughter loves Mary-Kate and Ashley, and this is going to be hard to explain to her," Mudd said. "In a way, I wish we'd never found Ethel. As a cop, I see a lot of ugliness every day, but this devastates me. How could something so hideous be connected to something so pure and wholesome?"

The Olsen parents face multiple charges of child abuse and reckless endangerment of a minor, but they are also reportedly in negotiations with television executives to develop a sitcom starring Ethel.

"The parents who did this should be punished," said Linda Spassky, vice-president in charge of programming for ABC Family Channel, which airs the Olsen Twins sitcom So Little Time. "But there is no reason to continue to hurt poor Ethel with further sequestering. After all, she has that magical Olsen name, and that means guaranteed tween appeal."