The Self Absorbed Narcissist

by Dr. Rick Kirschner on April 4, 2011

Once upon a time, the Goddess Hera cast a spell over her servant Echo for talking too much. Her punishment meant that Echo could now only repeat what someone else said. Alas, Echo was in love with handsome Narcissus, and deeply desired to tell him. Then came the day when she saw Narcissus staring at his own reflection in a clear pond, vainly telling the face in the water, “I love you.” This was Echo’s opportunity. She repeated his words, “I love you,” because they expressed how she felt. Sadly, Narcissus, believing that his reflection had spoken, became so enamored as he gazed at himself that he stayed there until he died. Echo was left to pine for him until she faded away. But you can still hear her in the hollow and empty places, thoughtlessly repeating back the words of others.

Narcissism is a word used to describe the love of self, but it can be a bit of a misnomer. Because quite often, those we call narcissists actually don’t love themselves at all.

Some do. And sometimes, that’s actually a good thing. There’s the healthy narcissism of childhood that we all experience. And some degree of narcissism, of feeling somehow special, moves us as individuals to try new things, take risks, and test our ideas against reality. And as adults, people who behave like narcissists can indeed be highly creative and truly special. They can think of, dream of and make happen some amazing things, for their own reasons, immune to the reasons of the world. They may be outliers who become the ultimate insiders, highly successful, charming people with giant sized ambitions to match their self concept (Steve Jobs and Ted Turner come quickly to mind.)

But self absorption can also become a disease of the mind, when people with low self esteem get so wrapped up in themselves that they become oblivious to the needs of the people around them. The result is that they can be unable to put themselves in another’s shoes, to even imagine the effect that their needs and demands place on others. If then they construct an idea of themselves for public viewing, a way to put their best foot forward while concealing the ‘other’ foot completely, they may find that the only person who can remain interested in their illusory self is themselves.

We could describe pathological self absorption as either toxic (because the behavior is poisonous and destructive to relationships) or malignant (in that the effect of it spreads and gets worse, destroying families, businesses, and even nations and cultures – think Hitler, Hussein and Ghaddafi).

Here’s an important element of narcissism to take into account, because it may explain how narcissists find and maintain a role in your life. In order to manipulate you into serving them, narcissists concern themselves with identifying the failures, weaknesses and self doubts you carry with you. Using this information, they can undermine you, confuse you, assault you mentally, emotionally, and even physically. In a very real sense, you become a psychic food source for them, their ‘narcissistic supply.’ By drawing you in to their patterns of self love, while preying on your weaknesses to keep you involved, they satisfy their need to feel special and important. Threaten that inflated false front, and they may fly into a rage or break down into uncontrollable tears, thus starting up the cycle all over again. That’s no way, by the way, to click with people.

In my next post in this series, I’ll talk about how this behavioral condition can be recognized and even diagnosed. In the meantime, I’d love to hear your stories about dealing with the self absorbed people in your life.

One theme of more extreme narcissistic pattern that I find remarkable is the incapability of narcissists to empathize. My understanding is that they do NOT and CANNOT fully comprehend (such as in empathy) their own actions as selfish. They can learn to identify actions/words, etc they’ve been told are hurtful to others or that satisfy criteria of narcissism and try to manage their use in their lives. But they can only be sorrowful for having hurt someone knowingly having worked at some point to identify those triggers, etc. They can never be sorrowful from fully understanding the pain it caused another.
Is this accurate? I hope to read you write to it at some point.
Thank you

C, thanks for the comment! While I believe your description applies to most narcissists most of the time, there are bound to be exceptions (and I’ve known a few). Sometimes, life has a way of calling us out, through challenging events, loss, discomfort and pain. The person suddenly sees themself as others do, recognizes the damage they’ve causes, has a change of heart, and sets out to set right what has been wrong. Still, I wouldn’t count on that outcome, as it’s the exception, not the rule.

I now see that my sister is narcassist. All these horrible feelings that I have been feeling about myself…. and to now see its not me. What a relief!!!
My parents are both gone now. And my sister had to move in with me. She has RH Arthritis.
How do you live with someone who knows it all… and is constantly talking down to you to bring themselves up. It really is a form of torture! I would never wish something like this on my worst enemy….
I have gotten to the point of calling her out when she starts on one of her talking down to me episodes. And she backs off. I also tell her that if she has nothing nice or positive to say, to keep it to herself. She just rolls her eyes and goes to her room.
I pay all the bills, she contribute 100.00 a month.
The majority of her money goes for shopping for herself. She does not care one bit that I am working 3 jobs just to keep a roof over our heads. She does not do anything at all to help me with the house.
I am so tired…….

Thanks for the comment, Kimberly. Seems that you have tried to be there for your sister and you’re feeling a bit beat up by her narcissistic behavior. Well, if the label fits, then it can guide you into making different choices. And the first of these is to stop beating yourself up when she’s putting you down. Deal?

My mother is a malignant narcissist, as is my mother in law. Both women have completely destroyed their marriages, their families and their children’s lives. My brother in law suicided, the others in the family have no luck holding down either jobs or staying in one place for any length of time and have become either alcoholics/drug abusers or narcissists themselves. In my family, two sisters became involved in religious cults (replicating the family dynamic) one brother has never married and is not gay, and one sister has herself become a narcissist. The grandchildren are self-absorbed and completely un-empathetic, not narcissists exactly, but certainly narcissistically informed in the way they view their worlds and their own families.

The damage narcissists do is frightening, if only because people believe the lie that they are ‘good caring people’. It’s especially insidious in a mother because our society has such a stigma against speaking against your parents. You can’t tell your family the truth, they will turn on you for destroying their fantasy of a ‘perfect’ family, yet the hostility and emotional hysteria you face if you mention that your family is dysfunctional is beyond belief, and is of itself a perfect example that something is really wrong. They don’t see it, they never will. So many of us children of Narcissists are opting for No Contact. It really is the only way you can stop the rot. My own children are now adults and able to understand why their grandmothers are toxic people. It is very sad that we have not been a normal family, but in the end, better not to provide the Ns with more supply and ruin another generation.

The more mental health professionals understand this disorder the better off we will be, the better the general public understand that abuse is not love, the more narcissistic families will have hope that they can find a normal life.

I’m in a crisis believe that one or more of my family is a narcistic or has this disorder without therapy I’ve been in therapy for 11 years for general depression and found myself drowned in my problems and taking care of theirs till now. I’m just sad and overwhelmed wish we could all be in family therapy but we all grown and most don’t believe they have a problem.

Thank you for your comment. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling with depression for so very long, and highly recommend that you find a naturopathic physician to help with this! There is so much good that can be done using natural therapies. And hopefully, you’re getting your boundaries firmed up with your various family members so that your happiness isn’t at all dependent on people who have been undependable!

my son has married a narcissist. it only became apparent to me in the lead up to their wedding. since their wedding i have not seen my son. he remains fixed in a turmoil of emotion maintained by his wife. i am unable to ‘unlock’ the deadlock we are in. i am sad and worried for his future.

The biggest mistake I made was in telling my husband that he is a narcissist. He was outraged- even though it is true. I suppose I thought it might “shock” him into examining his own behaviors, but he seems to have no self-awareness, and no willingness to accept responsibility for his own emotions or their impact on myself and our daughter.

Our psychologist told me that deep down my husband knows he has a serious problem, but he can’t bring himself to acknowledge it, or that would mean he’d feel bad about himself- something he avoids at all costs.