Rich Gritter: Complex dynamics have parent in a quandary

Tuesday

Jun 17, 2014 at 9:39 AMJun 17, 2014 at 9:39 AM

Rich Gritter

Dear Rich: Back in the mid 1980s, I gave up my parental rights to my two young children. This happened after I had been awarded custody of the kids by court after a divorce. I wanted my kids raised in a two-parent family. In 2004, my daughter contacted me for the first time. She stated she forgave me. We stayed in touch by phone and email from across the country for nine years while she married and had a son.Then suddenly she cut off contact with me right around the time she lost a baby. Iím confused and donít know whether to work on re-establishing contact with her, or just let it go. Can I have your advice?Dear W. P.: I appreciate your inquiry. There are a lot of complex dynamics at play in the details you shared. Itís difficult to know how your daughter (and son?) perceive the facts about their early lives and the struggles in the family.The mystery lies in what has caused your daughter to cut off communication after nine years of being back in contact. I suspect you have considered this in depth. Was there something you either said or did that re-opened old wounds for her? Is there anything for which you should consider apologizing?Perhaps not, but these notions are worth considering.I donít know the nature of your last contact with her, other than your description of the communication ending ďsuddenly.Ē I do understand your desire to be part of their lives as well as that of your grandchild.My suggestion would be that you compose one last letter to her. The letter should contain the following thoughts (in your words):1. You regret any negative impact the events of her early years have had on her life.2. You respect any decision she makes regarding the future of her relationship with you.3. You hope that the future entails room for some sort of relationship between the two of you.4. You will be praying for her in the years to come5. You will be here and will remain open to being contacted if she ever decides that is the best thing to doBeyond composing and sending this letter, there is little you can do, other than to remain available and live a life she wants to be a part of.ó Rich Gritter, LMSW, and father of three, is Program Director for Bethany Christian Services, specializing in issues related to the parenting of children and teens. Email him questions for future columns at rgritter@bethany.org.