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On Tuesday, Jesus of Nazareth descended from the heavens to deliver a seminar at Stanford University. The subject of the talk, according to the Light of the World himself, was “how to find happiness on earth and assure passage into the kingdom of heaven.”

At approximately 12:00PM, as advertised in the numerous fliers, emails, and notices released throughout campus, the Only Son of God hooked up a microphone and began an impassioned speech filled with relevant philosophical truths and rich moral teachings.

Unfortunately, the Anointed One’s words may have fallen on fallow ground. The lecture hall, located in the philosophy building, was filled sparsely with many spaces in between each person. Several of the attendees were seated in the back row, even though there was clearly space closer to the front.

As the Lamb of God spoke of achieving true earthly bliss and peace, one student put headphones over his ears and then tried to cover them up with a hooded sweatshirt. Another resourceful student made a makeshift bed out of two folded arms and took a nap. Two more members of the audience had brought laptops, and were aimlessly checking Facebook and email.

An unreceptive audience did not discourage the Bethlehem native. Jesus, who some have called the “King of the Jews” and “Savior of the World,” continued to expound on subjects such as his views on politics and the exact timetable for the apocalypse with great enthusiasm and vigor. Throughout the talk, several attendees got out of their seats and left. One young man began to text on his cell-phone under the mini-table that was attached to his seat.

To account for the low attendance, a group of random Stanford students were asked why they chose not to hear Immanuel, the Holy and Righteous One, speak. “The timing was poor. A lot of us have class, and the rest are eating lunch,” explained freshman Kevin Reihner. “Sure it’s a big name,” said junior Charlotte Martin, “But who has time for seminars anymore? Between Friends re-runs and 2v2 Intramural Sand Volleyball, my Tuesdays are busy enough!”

WHITE PLAZA – Tragedy struck on Monday as a bunch of chalk was massacred by students protesting Columbus Day. What were once young, hopeful cylinders of condensed powder met their demise smeared across the concrete in the name of a dead old white guy. “It’s just so sad,” sobbed the […]

NEW YORK CITY—After several hours of intense deliberation, David Stern, commissioner of the NBA, officially cancelled the first two weeks of the league’s scheduled season. At his press conference, Stern told the crowd, “I’m pleased to announce that this cancellation will allow our fans to fully concentrate on the NFL […]

TOLEDO, OH—Gardner Elementary School students had no school this past Monday to honor the national holiday, Columbus Day. Local 4th grader Benjamin Levin was ecstatic when he woke up and his mother reminded him there was no school. “I don’t even have to shower today!” said the 10-year old. “In […]

The United States Department of Homeland Security confirmed today that the vast AlertSU intelligence network was responsible for alerting them of an impending assassination attempt against Saudi ambassador Adel Al-Jubeir. On the morning of the attempt, members of the department received simultaneous text messages reading “Attempted car bombing occurred at […]

In an effort to promote their public image and regain their house, the fraternity Kappa Sigma is offering free breast cancer screenings in White Plaza to all females of Stanford. “We really want to promote breast cancer awareness among the female population at Stanford,” said the president of Kappa Sig. […]