Thursday, 5 July 2018

Anywhoo, I'm coming to you with some thoughts on time and I guess, more specifically.. about how we feel a pressure to be in a certain situation by a certain time in our lives. Surely that's not just me?

My age - a grand old Twenty Seven (I know I look about 12) - has been something that's been playing on my mind a hell of a lot recently. I'm at that age where a lot of my friends are settled down, happy in their careers and lets face it .. probably home owners.

- Actual LOL at the thought of me ever becoming a home owner -

But then equally - on the other side of the coin - I've also got friends (admittedly a few years younger than me) who have put more focus on setting up their own businesses and traveling than they have saving up for a mortgage.

I guess - that pressure of being 'settled' is less that it used to be when Mom In Blunderland was younger.. ( I remember her telling me that she felt really late to the marriage bandwagon - even though she was only in her early twenties - because she was the last one out of her friends to tie the knot) but regardless it's still very much there and I for one am feeling it.

I guess you could say I've always been a little obsessed with time - and our way of measuring it... pretty much every piece of artwork I made at art school surrounded our experience of time passing and how - if at all - we could have any control over it. I've always found it interesting how the passage of time is subjective. We have set ways of measuring it but it doesn't always feel the same y'know? 'Time flies when you're having fun' n' all that.. and let's be real - it sure as hell drags when you're not. This got me thinking about whether there was anything we could do to really -slow down- our experience of time. I know that since becoming a paramedic the years seem to have absolutely flown by and I put that down to the 12 hour shifts and being constantly on the go. But still.. does this mean that the more we fill our lives with stuff - the quicker our time will pass? It's not even like I'm always so deeply involved in an experience that I don't notice time passing... You'll rarely see me without a watch - Yes.. this *Cluse one is a total beauty - and I've always got my eye on the clock ( especially when it's coming up to the end of my shift)

I've got to be honest... the speed at which I seem to be hurtling through life is actually terrifying me. I feel so behind and late to the game. I'm late in starting a 'proper career', I've only just properly set up my photography business ( www.allyshipway.com plug plug plug), I'm painfully single, I'm no where near saving up for a mortgage and my only spare money every month gets spent on cook books I'm yet to read and an array of hair dyes.

I think that with the rise of independent women and the whole #girlboss movement - women have been grabbing life by the balls more than ever and either delaying or choosing not to conform to what used to be stereotypically expected of them. Personally I couldn't be more for this but it still doesn't stop me having the occasional freak out that I'm not 'doing enough' or doing things ' quickly' enough.

I guess that mostly it just comes down to accepting that a lot of -if not all of - the decisions I made that lead me to this point were through choice and actually... I still have that choice now. I could've stayed living with Mom in Blunderland and saved up for a house but instead I chose to move out and start renting. I could've stayed in relationships that weren't right for me but I chose not to. I could've moved to London and pursued a career in the arts but I chose to stay in Birmingham with my then boyfriend.

Maybe now's the time to choose something different.

I choose to not be defined by the amount of time I've spent on earth.

I choose to be more present, more aware and more conscious of the ways in which I choose to spend my time.

I choose to feel a sense of freedom as apposed to a sense of fear.

I choose to make decisions that benefit me inwardly, as opposed to what looks beneficial outwardly.

I choose to search for comfort and calm in the sometimes overwhelming anxiety I feel about change and

I choose to embrace the passage of time and hold on tightly - no matter how rapidly it decides to take me.