Paraffin Mania

The day on which you are born–also known as your BIRTHDAY doesn’t necessarily have to be a big deal. Yes, it is the day you “feel” different, act different and try to “seem” different. You get gifts and blow candles and have people over or hang out with friends; it IS the day that’s all about you and only you; People tell you nice things and you’re expecting exactly that. Simply put, you feel like ANYthing’s possible !

As the day waxes, your excitement wanes and little by little emerges this feeling of emptiness and despair. You tell yourself: “So I have all these people around me who appreciate–if not WORSHIP–me; they’re giving me gifts; they’re calling me from all over the world just to tell me they love me and that they miss me and that they think of me all the time. I have all this and yet why is it that I feel so lonely? why is it that I’m feeling unfulfilled as a person; Dissatisfied?? What is wrong with me? Is this even normal?!” And on goes this never-ending discourse in your mind.

Having all this in mind, You then ask yourself: “Well what if candles and a cake and gifts are the only things that make this day different from any other? What if I just WANT this day to be “special” because I’ve always been told and taught that it should be? What if this day doesn’t even want to be different? After all who am I to force it to do so?!” I mean, Come to think of it, up till minutes before this midnight it was just an ordinary day living its life, wasn’t it?

And yet, Can’t get your mind off the fact that this day IS different, no matter how you try to see it. This day feels different. This day is another space; This whole other space. Why not let go?

Looking back, I can see ALL the changes taken place…all the hardships and downs…all the achievements and ups…all the curves through the bumpy-at-times-smooth road…All the encounters; so many in number…all the faces; all the masks…all the passions; both those which turned into lust and those who were left behind…all those zesty NEW feelings…all the NEW experiences both scary and fun; both crappy and divine…all those mistakes; some only lessons in disguise…some, merely STUPID MISTAKES…those lengthy moments of loneliness filled with only time…those joyful lovely gatherings at times with only one company…those “first-time” actions so tentatively done on the verge of madness or just out of curiosity…all those moments of goodbye or those of passing by a stranger without even saying hi…those unbearable torturous moments which at the very last moment turned out to be just fine…those moments of “self-discovery” and also the discovery of those who you only thought you had known all that time…the feeling of almost going crazy and thinking that crazy was an absolute profanity…all the new tastes and smells and sounds and sights and feelings being born for the very first time…the moments of self-doubt; of hatred; of anger and then those of senseless laughter; of blinding fantasy; of pious bliss…the moments of trying a new “lifestyle” for the very first time thinking that probably you are saved!…all those moments of lie and deceit and jealousy vis-a-vis those moments of devotion and sacrifice and unconditional love…the feeling of being deceived, of being used, of not being appreciated for who you are, compared to feelings of being cherished of being loved only for who you are…all the lovely sharing both materialistic and heart to heart…finding meaning in those tiny moments which are often taken for granted by many and perhaps at times even by you…Thinking about the fact that you have lived for 20 years on this planet; 20 years! it’s a lifetime you know; without considering whether it’s the first 20 years or the last; just the thought of it; MIND BLOWING!…the feeling of being rejected, being left out and then that of being the center of attention, the core…the tears; the laughter…Oh I can go on forever!

All these moments which were LIVED once are now only memories…Gone through the realm of time and seen as only seasons passed by.

I don’t judge any of them. And wanna hear something funny for a change? I most definitely do NOT regret a single one either!!!

I don’t know whether I’d still have this attitude in a couple of years or even next year; but I DO know one thing: I don’t even care! You see, despite the rough patches all along the way, at this very moment I can’t help but feel only pleasure; fulfillment; Life.