"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO."
-No One of Consequence

I'm still vacationing, but a crazy troll left us an excellent playing field for Faux-Troll Patrol in this post. So, go find the added sentences (there are bunch of them, this time) and then reward yourself by buying the new IMAO shirt.

Also, an insecure Canadian (is that redundant?) spammed a bunch of our posts with the same comment, but it's funny enough as is.

Did you know that Nintendo was made in Canada?

Anyone, it's such a retarded way to try and anger Americans that I don't even know where to begin to start... thus I'll leave it to you guys since I'm on vacation.

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we're taking a trip to the state that habitually refers to Canada as "our neighbor to the west" - New York. So let's get started...

New York became the 11th state on July 26th, 1788 and was originally called New Amsterdam. Before the final name change, it was variously known as Not New Jersey, Whaddyalookinat, and Hookerland.

New York City's most famous landmark, the Statue of Liberty, is constructed out of copper and eventually turned green due to pollution from coal burning factories. If you scraped off the corrosion, you'd find that the statue was actually pink, completely naked, and originally titled "The Statue of Yowza!"

Vassar College, in Poughkeepsie, New York, was orginally founded as a women's college in 1861. Its motto is "Where women go to feel smart between evenings of drunken table dancing".

The 1969, the Woodstock Music Festival was held on Max Yasgur's farm in Bethel, New York. It reportedly took Mr. Yasgur over 2 years to get that hippie smell out of his manure pit.

Dairy farming is New York's #1 agricultural activity. The state's 18,000 dairy farms have a milk-producing capacity nearly that of Dolly Parton.

In 1807, the world's first steamboat, the Clermont, made its maiden voyage between New York City and Albany. It was during this trip that the phrase "are we there, yet?" was first coined.

The state tree of New York is the billboard

In 1899, the Kosher wine industry was started by Sam Shapiro in New York City. Before that, Jews drank nothing but the fermented blood of Palestinian babies. Or so I've heard.

New York City has 722 miles of subway track. Most of it heavily stained with wino vomit.

"Wizard of Oz" author L. Frank Baum was born in Chittenago, New York. His famous tale was loosely based on the lives of Al and Tipper Gore, as most great American stories are.

The New York Post - founded in 1803 by Alexander Hamilton - is America's oldest continually-published newspaper. Its first headline was "Jefferson Has No Exit Strategy For Barbary Coast Pirate Quagmire".

John Babcock of New York City invented the stationary rowing machine in 1869 as a less-smelly alternative to the then-popular exercise fad of riding a dead horse.

The first railroad in America ran the 11 miles between Albany and Schenectady, NY. The slow, primitive train ride carried few passengers, since riding a dead horse between the towns was nearly as fast.

New York City was the first capital of the United States. George Washington took his oath of office there in 1789, beginning the city's long and cherished tradition of gullibly trusting lying politicians.

Every November, New York City's Empire State Building plays host to the Boy Scouts' annual Urban Camp-out, allowing scouts to earn the elusive Drunk Rolling and Crack Procurement merit badges.

During the war of 1812, meatpacker Sam Wilson of Troy, New York, stamped "U.S. Beef" on the products he sent to the troops. This was popularly interpreted as - and began the legend of - Uncle Sam, although the letters actually stood for "urine soaked".

Don't make that face at me. Urine contains a plethora of natural preservatives.

Actor Humphrey Bogart was born in New York City in 1899. Little known fact - in the movie "Casablanca", he never said "Play it again, Sam." What he actually said was "AOL sends spam", one of the most prescient lines in cinematic history.

Jell-O was invented in Rochester, New York in 1897. Mostly as a way to help dispose of the mountains of dead horses that people didn't ride any more.

Marshmallows were also invented in Rochester. They stopped being manufactured there in 1984 after the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man destroyed the city.

For obvious reasons, bumper-to-bumper warranties for cars sold in New York City do NOT cover the horn.

Gennaro Lombardi opened America's first pizzeria in New York City in 1895. Slices of the original pie are still being sold there today, or at least that's what it tastes like.

Locals don't complain about it, though, since New Yorkers wouldn't know good pizza if it jumped up and stuffed their noses full of pepperoni.

On July 28th, 1945, a B-25 bomber crashed into the 79th floor of the Empire State Building. The pilot wasn't Muslim, just really stupid, which isn't technically the same thing.

Joseph C. Gayetty of New York City introduced toilet paper to the world in 1857, causing sales of The New York Times to plummet.

Camera inventor George Eastman was born in Waterville, NY in 1854. His device was second only to the creation of the internet in revolutionizing the pornography industry.

New York was the first state to require license plates on automobiles, which featured the motto, "Get out of my way, jackass!"

Famed for his numerous, heartwarming Saturday Evening Post covers, painter Norman Rockwell was born in New York City. The secret to his technique was looking out the window of his Hell's Kitchen apartment and then painting the exact opposite of what he saw.

New York City is world-famous for its cultural diversity. While walking even a single block, a tourist can expect to be cursed at in over 40 different languages.

Contrary to the popular myth, local Indians did NOT sell the island of Manhattan for $24 worth of beads and trinkets. It was actually lost during an inexplicable run of bad luck at a Coney Island sidewalk game of 3-Card-Monte.

---

That wraps up the New York edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be stuck to the floor by the tar on our heels as we visit North Carolina.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go earn some merit badges.
______________

Man, I wanted SarahK to post I was captured by Mormon extremists here in Idaho and then put up a video of me converting to Mormonism at gunpoint, but I'm on vacation, so no time for sketch comedy. I do have some rants brewing, but I'll get to them when I get back to Florida (stupid Earnesto trying to ruin our vacation).

Anyhoo, if you're wondering what the lovely and talented SarahK and I are up to, Sarah has been blogging it (with pictures).

Be honorable, ronin.

UPDATE: BTW, the new shirt design for ThoseShirts.com has been finalized on, and will premiere soon.

I'm sorry folks, the carnival reminder is on time this week. I mean, "Hey look, folks!," the carnival reminder is on time this week! I guess I'm just in the habit of apologising.

Anyway, Steve The Pirate will be te host of the Carnival of Comedy this week.Go check out his blog Stevethepirate.net, though its not really much there about pirates.

And while you are on the internet today write something funny on your own blog and submit it to the carnival here, and give Steve somehing to do Wednesday night and garner the huge surge of traffic when the carnival actually gets posted on Thursday (as Steve promises)

When somebody in the entertainment industry says something wrong and offensive, I feel it my duty to speak out and give that person a good talking to. Recently, Comedian Conan O'Brien received complaints from a TV affiliate in Kentucky over a spoof of the TV show - Lost. In this sketch, Conan O'Brien had his plane crash and he washed up on shore.

This leads me to my complaint: Mr. Gilbert - one does not use the term Kill An Opening, especially after so many innocent people have lost their lives. I expected more from people, even if they are TV executives.

Other inappropriate expressions include:

“That joke fell flatter than Comair.”

and

“Conan’s sketch could have used another 3,000 feet of runway.”

However, we will dismiss this offensive remark since it's so hard to keep track of all the latest tragedies. We at IMAO will petition TV stations for greater sensitivity towards Kentuckians. We will also ask them, as a courtesy to Kentuckians, to not feature any shows where young women sleep with their brothers unless it's a necessary plot twist for Desperate Housewives.

Remember folks - Let’s try to be a bit more sensitive: Because being sensitive to the feelings of others is what IMAO is all about.

I'd like to take a moment to apologize to all the Muslim readers of IMAO out there for falsely characterizing Islam as a backward and barbaric religion that forces non-Muslims to convert to Islam or face the sword.

After all, this is 2006, and nobody uses swords anymore. The implement of death used to threaten nonbelievers is the gun:

Centanni later told Fox News in a phone call from Gaza City that during his capture, he was held at times face down in a dark garage, tied up in painful positions, and that he and Wiig were forced at gunpoint to make statements, including that they had converted to Islam.

Only by getting rid of such wild myths and false accusations can we, the Western World, come to a better understanding of our Muslim neighbors.

A lot of people hate little yip-yap dogs, but that's wrong. It's not their fault they're tiny and stupid; that was selective breeding by people who hate all that dogs stand for.

You see, even if you breed tiny dogs, they still are so closely related to the wolf that the species distinction is more aesthetic that genetics. Inside each little yipping Chihuahua is a wolf desperately wanting to tear out the throats of whomever crosses it. It's like Jack Bauer being trapped in the body of a two-year-old. Do you think Jack Bauer would like to be told how cute he is while being rolled around in a stroller?

No, he wouldn't. He would plot to kill you even while impotent to do so. Such is the life of the small dog.

I'm not a big animal rights advocate, but things like this should be outlawed. Dogs have had a long history as man's best friend, and a civil society should afford them at least some protections of their dignity if nothing else.

If little yip-yap dogs suddenly gained the ability to inflict real damage, I bet they'd kill way more people than pit bulls.

This is how I compensate for not having teh funny. Well, that and beating up Spacemonkey, but everybody does that these days.

Anyway, it's time for Nardo the Unwise:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

Anyway, I'll be there all next week. I will have internet access the whole time, but I probably won't be blogging. So, don't expect much and you won't be disappointed. spacemonkey will be in charge while I'm away since he has administrative rights.

At least 10 explosions rocked a bomb recycling plant in northwestern Louisiana today, forcing the evacuation of at least 600 students from two schools and more than 400 prisoners from a jail, authorities said.

A restaurant named after Adolf Hitler that enraged Bombay's Jewish community will soon have a new monicker, its owner promised Thursday.

Puneet Sablok said he would remove Hitler's name and the Nazi swastika from billboards and the eatery's menu since it had angered so many people. He had previously said the name and symbols were only meant to attract attention.

"Yes, I have decided to change the name. I never wanted to hurt people's feelings," said Sablok, who made the decision after meeting with members from Bombay's small Jewish community. He did not say what the new name would be.

Bush waited by his car in the desert as a truck and a limousine pulled up. Out of the limo exited an Arab gentleman. "Are you ready to buy?"

"If you have the product," Bush answered.

The Arab opened the back of the truck and took out a barrel. He then pulled off the lid. "Pure crude oil. Yours for only $25 a barrel."

The Arab began to replace the lid, but Bush stopped him. "I want to check this out." He stuck two fingers into the crude and then tasted it. He frowned and then leapt at the Arab, grabbing him by the neck. "You watered it down, you macaca!"

"No! It's pure crude oil! I swear!"

"If you're product is so great... THEN WHY DON'T YOU DIE IN IT!" Bush shoved the Arab's man head into the barrel of oil and held it there until he stopped moving.

"Great," Condoleezza Rice sighed, "You killed another Saudi prince."

Bush left the Arab in the barrel and walked back to the car. "So what? They have thousands more." They both got in the car.

"You just seemed more stressed and more murderous lately," Condi said as the car headed out of the desert.

"Hey, not only do I have these gas prices to worry about, but I got terrorism and Iraq and Iran and Hezbollah and North Korea and stupid Democrats and illegal immigration." Bush looked to the driver. "You're legal, right?"

"No hablo ingles."

"See!" Bush said to Condi. "They're all problems and they're not getting better. If I don't solve them all before the end of my term, everyone is going to say, 'Well, that Bush guy, he was no good.' They might even strike my name from the list of Presidents and I'll be forgotten like President Redding."

"Who?"

"Exactly."

"Well, Mr. President, since you can't solve all problems, maybe you should try focusing on one thing. I would suggest--"

"I could cure cancer!" Bush exclaimed. "Then everyone would remember me as the best President ever!"

"Bah! That's what they told the guy who cured polio, and now everyone remembers his name... uh... Louie Pasteur."

Condi shook her head. "I guess I'll warn Tony to prepare defending you to the media for your newest misadventure."

"That's what he's there for."

* * * *

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld shouted. "I'm the Secretary of War! What am I doing in this lab? Science is for homosexuals!"

"I want you to help me cure cancer," Bush said. "It will make you seem more likeable. Now, the first step in curing cancer is to have a test subject with cancer to try your cure on. Open up that barrel, take out a test monkey, and give it cancer."

Rumsfeld opened the barrel covered in warning signs and took out a monkey. "How do I give it cancer? I only know how to snap their necks."

"We have to dose it with radiation." Bush looked around the room. "The copier! I bet that's full of radiation. Hold the monkey down in the copier while I press the copy button."

Rumsfeld pressed the monkey against the glass and Bush hit the copy button. The monkey screeched and tried to claw away each time the light flashed in its face.

"He seems to not like this," Rumsfeld observed.

"Then it's probably working in giving him cancer!" Bush kept hitting the copy button. "Copy the monkey! Copy the monkey!"

Rumsfeld looked at the copier tray. "All I see coming out of this is a bunch of pictures of an angry monkey."

"And that's worth something too!"

Suddenly, the barrel of monkeys fell over and the angry screeching monkeys ran out the door.

"You didn't put the lid back on tight!" Bush yelled.

"Handling monkeys isn't my job," Rumsfeld snarled.

There was a scream, and then a desperate Laura Bush appeared at the door. "There are monkeys loose in the White House!"

"Hmm... I wonder how that happened?" Bush said innocently. "I better call the exterminator."

Laura looked at the monkey being held on the copier. "What are you doing with that monkey?"

"Well... uh... when we found there were monkeys in the White House," Bush said, "we thought we better copy one to send the image to the police to see if they can identify the monkey as part of a terrorist plot. What we were most certainly not doing is trying to give the monkey cancer."

Laura gave Bush and Rumsfeld a suspicious look. "I'm keeping an eye on you two." She then left the room.

Rumsfeld took the monkey off the copier. "I'm done here."

"What? But we haven't cured cancer yet!"

Rumsfeld tossed the monkey into a nearby receptacle. "I have the deaths of many brown people to plot."

Bush ran to the receptacle. "Hey! That bin was for recyclable paper only!" He turned to see that Rumsfeld had already left. "I'm surrounded by incompetence. Now I have to sort this paper from monkey before all our recycling is ruined." He reached into the bin, and then quickly retracted his hand. "Ow! Either a monkey or some paper bit me!"

Well, the good news is that Steve Centanni and his cameraman Olaf Wiig are alive. The bad news is that they were apparently kidnapped by the Palestinian terrorists who were stuck in all the "special" classes at terrorism school. First, it takes more than a week before the "Holy Jihad Brigades" made any contact to the media (Did they spend the whole time trying to figure out how to setup the video camera? Find someone literate enough to write a statement? Get their hands unstuck from a vending machine?). Now, they demand all Muslim prisoners in the U.S. be released in the next 72 hours. Why don't they just demand a complete surrender of all American forces while they're shooting for the moon?

Anyway, keep up your prayers for Centanni and Wiig; hopefully the nutters are as unserious in violence as they are in their ransom.

Harvey has out ten new designs, each starting with a common liberal trope and then ending with a conservative kicker. You see, the muckadoo slogan get the liberal to start reading the shirt, and the second part is then like a punch to his dumb, monkey face.

I'll soon add some more designs to the IMAO Store - some by request and some my own ideas - out soon. Also, I'm currently working on a brand new design for ThoseShirts.com which should premiere soon.

I think it's wonderful that citizens are aware of the terrorist threat, but recently there have been several false alarms turned in by folks who obviously aren't qualified to spot terrorists. For example:

Are YOU qualified to spot terrorist threats? Take this short quiz and find out:

1. 12 men are huddled together whispering to each other. They are.
a) Terrorists
b) A football team about to get a 5-yard penalty
c) The Disciples killing time waiting for Jesus to get back from Starbucks with their morning coffee.

2. Someone sits at a workbench, alternately mumbling curses and prayers to himself as he sticks wires into high explosives. This is:
a) Terrorist activity
b) Just another day at Industrial Light & Magic
c) The ever-optimistic Wile E. Coyote

3. An angry, bearded man shakes his fists and ululates at the sky. He is:
a) A terrorist
b) Harvey stepping on a nail
c) Al Gore giving a speech

4. A stray dog wanders up to you as you sit at an outdoor cafe. You should:
a) Suspect that terrorists have strapped explosives to it
b) Change tables - your shoes are both expensive and not drool-proof
c) Angrily send the dog back into the kitchen, complaining that you specifically ordered "well done".

5. You see a piece of unattended luggage at the airport. It's probably:
a) A terrorist's explosive device
b) A clue in some stupid race-around-the-world reality show
c) Odo doing undercover work

6. Middle-Eastern men are taking surreptitious camera-phone pictures near a national landmark. They are:
a) Gathering intelligence for a future terrorist attack
b) Just dorky tourists who are too cheap to buy a REAL camera
c) Gathering photos for later uploading to their hotnakedankles.com porn site

7. You open a package and notice a white, powdery substance. This is a case of:
a) A terrorist anthrax assault
b) The post office brutally mishandling your order of Enzyte
c) You forgetting to wash your hands after scattering lime over the shallow graves in your basement

Score as follows:

a - 1 point
b - 2 points
c - 3 points

Grading:

1-6 points: Either you suck at math or you skipped a question.

7-11 points: You're far too twitchy to be trusted with our national security. Lock yourself in a closet with a Louisville Slugger, ya big scaredy-cat!

12-16 points: Your finely-honed sense of danger is balanced with a generous dollop of common sense. America needs more people like you. An Army recruiter will be contacting you shortly.

Here's a scan of the page from the Italain paper Libero that contains my interview. I have a 1MB PDF of the page, but I didn't know how to turn that into a decent size image.

For those, like me, who can't read Italian, Francesco Poli (who scanned the image and also helped me with the interview by providing me information on Romano Prodi) has the translation. Now, some answers are quite a bit different than I remember, but, since I answered in English, the paper then edited that and translated it to Italiana, and Francesco translated it back to English, it's hard to tell where the changes occured.

To say he is politically incorrect is an understatement. Frank J, the mind behind the American uber-conservative satire Imao.us, is incorrect from the title: "Unfair, unbalanced, unmedicated", is written on top of the homepage. Even the site name says it all: IMAO (In My Arrogant Opinion) is the opposite of the standard acronym IMHO (In My Humble Opinion). Humble becomes arrogant, no need to add anything.
His modified pictures are appearing with some frequency on Italian papers, including ours.
Following, some arrogant and half-serious opinions on politics, terror, Prodi, mass media:

Libero: The Reuters scandal (the numerous Lebanon war pictures modified by the famous press agency to raise the emotive impact and to shine a bad light on the Israeli army - editor) showed that the bigger medias, especially during war, have enormous power and that the blogs can keep them in check. On which side are the media?
Frank: On the wrong one, of course. The big media have always acted in a partisan way, only until not long ago there was no way to oppose that. Today the media stand with the terrorists. They will change ideas as soon as terrorists become too powerful. And after they take everything back they will be decapitated.Libero: That explains the criticism to Bush's "Islamic fascism" remarks...
Frank: And that is why these people must be punched. I know that it's normally best to use dialogue and reason, but with the liberals that's impossible. Just by hearing the word "reason" they get scared and start running.Libero: Speaking of liberals, in Connecticut the radical billionaire Ned Lamont beat the realist Liebermann (sic) at the Democrat primaries...
Frank: We should thank them: as soon as they realize that the Republicans have a problem, the Democrats rush to help them by doing something really stupid. The fact, then, that a white billionaire wants to represent the poor immigrants is something to die of laughter about. Republicans, at least, are rich whites that want to represent rich whites. At best, you can try to represent rich of all ethnicities, but I don't think that would work.Libero: What did you do as a child?
Frank: I spent all my childhood preparing for the Soviet invasion. They never came, and I must say that always let me down.Libero: How did you get the idea of opening a blog?
Frank: Once my car's ventilation system broke, and the inside of the car was invaded by a toxic cloud of carbon monoxide as I was driving. When I woke up, I realized that the world needed my blog. I'm a real intellectual, I am...Libero: Imao, but also Potfry and Cox&Forkum. Conservative satire is in good shape, but the media insist that the only real funnymen are on the left. Making fun of neocon plots is a form of humor or what?
Frank: The leftwing satire is too sophisticated for us, that's why we don't laugh at it. If they say that Bush is like Hitler and you don't laugh it's your fault. We conservatives believe we are funny and laugh at our jokes, but even hyenas laugh, and notoriously, hyenas have no sense of humor. We think we're funny, but we're just fooling ourselves.Libero: For the big media, in America there are only leftwing blogs and websites. Why doesn't anyone talk about you?
Frank: Perhaps because we scare them.Libero: Why does the UN want to give command of the Lebanon mission to France?
Frank: Because they initially wanted to give it to the Germans, then someone reminded them that it wasn't necessary.Libero: Let's play fantasy politics. Cuba: with Fidel out of action what will the US do?
Frank: While Bush is busy punching Chavez, political and economic control of the island will be taken by the supermarket chain Wal-Mart, which meanwhile has put up a military presence, currently the fourth in the world (but they are only fourteenth in health benefits, that's why unions hate them so much).Libero: The world would be a safer place if...
Frank: Everyone carried a gun.Libero: Three things Bush should have done but didn't.
Frank: Grabbing all the world's oil, bomb a random French city and strangle a dictator with his own hands.Libero: Three things that Bush did and shouldn't have.
Frank: Having a little doggie (rottweilers are better), try to put together "compassion" and "conservatism" and choking on a pretzel.Libero: Final question: an opinion on Romano Prodi
Frank: I don't know much of Italy. I know you have a very efficient mafia: it controls our mafia, which in turn controls half of our government, and that must be a hell of a tiring job. However, I did some research on Prodi: here's what I found. They accuse him of being a communist puppet, but he actually looks more like a Muppet; unlike Floyd Landis he could win the Tour De France as he says he'd like to, because he has no blood testosterone.

When trolls go on long rants in the comments section, I find myself just skipping what they wrote, and I bet a lot of you do the same. That's not fair to people who take the time to add content to IMAO. So, to encourage thorough reading of the trolls, we have fun new IMAO game!

Sometime, I may secretly add sentences into a troll's rant. The challenge for you is to identify those added sentences hidden amongst the original sentences. I added sentences to a rant today, and I added sentences to rant from yesterday as well.

Oh, and there is a secret indication of what rants I added sentences to. See if you can figure out the signal!

Everyone seems scared of Muslims and terrorists these days. So many people these days when passing a a mosque will wonder if people inside are plotting against the country. On one flight in the UK, people were thrown off just for speaking Arabic. What that means is we have a culture of fear. To combat that, I've compiled this list of facts about Muslims and terrorists to end all the irrational fear people have of their fellow Muslims.

FACTS ABOUT MUSLIMS AND TERRORISTS

FACT: Only 45% of mosques are primarily filled with terrorists.

FACT: Of any Muslim you see on the street, there is only a 30% chance he is currently thinking about killing you.

FACT: Islam means "peace"... or something similar. If any Muslim murders you, then he is going against what his own religion somewhat means.

FACT: While Islam may seem abusive or demeaning to women, 100% of Muslim women love it that way as reported by their husbands (the women were not allowed to speak... and, according to their husbands, they didn't want to either).

FACT: While killing yourself and others for some perverted sex dream involving 72 virgins might seem crazy to us, studies show that people who work towards concrete goals are more successful in life.

FACT: Most Muslim terrorists are secretly gay, anyway, and only act like they want 72 virgin women out of peer pressure.

FACT: If you overhear someone speaking Arabic on a plane, there is a less than 15% chance that person is talking about taking down the aircraft.

FACT: Even if they do take down the aircraft, there was a 0.0001% chance it was about to crash anyway.

FACT: Most terrorism goes against the teachings of Islam since terrorists often use more explosive power that was dictated to be allowable by the prophet Mohammed.

FACT: The prophet Mohammed was a humanitarian who saved nearly as many babies as he killed by the sword.

FACT: It is expressly forbidden by the Koran to beat someone to death with a Koran.

FACT: You are much more likely to be killed at a crosswalk by a careless Jew driving his fancy car than be killed by a Muslim terrorist.

FACT: Joooooos!

FACT: Most Muslims would hate it if all infidels were murdered and rather have infidels simply pay a tax - a "Don't Murder Me" tax.

FACT: The tax for not being murdered by Muslims would most likely be much less than the taxes you pay on gasoline a year.

FACT: Though Muslims do want Jews pushed into the sea, they don't necessarily want them all to drown.

FACT: Muslims are the most likely victims of Muslims murderers. Thus Muslims help eliminate the threat of Muslims.

FACT: Though Muslims do want to take over your country and put it under Islamic law, that doesn't mean they want to kill you.

Now that you have the facts on your side, you have no more reasons to be afraid.

France loves Jerry Lewis, but Italy loves IMAO. If you happen to be in Italy today, pick up a copy of Libero to see an interview with me (it's in the "Cultura" section with the title "Prodi? Vincerà il prossimo Tour de France"). I have the PDF of the page with the interview on it, so I'll try to get it up later.

Of course, it will still be in Italian, but at least you can stare at the words and just imagine how funny I am.

The words you are reading might be your last. That is, if you believe the apocalyptic speculation of Internet surfers and Middle East analysts who claim that today Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad hopes to spark the final conflagration in order to usher in the Islamic messiah.

Ahmadinejad is due Tuesday to deliver Iran's response to an international incentive program offered in exchange for the country curbing its nuclear program. The date, August 22, also marks the prophet Muhammad's ascension to heaven and coincides with Saladin's conquest of Jerusalem.

Not to be left out of the loop, Frisky's keeping an eye out for the 12th imam on our patio...

Do you see him? Is he out there?

No imam. Okay, Frisky. You can take a break.

He's such a good little boy. He'll get lots of treats when I get home tonight.

Anyway, I've made the "Digg this" link less obtrusive and added del.icio.us links ala Blackfive. I've just begun playing with del.icio.us, and it adds some buttons to your Firefox browser (the official browser of IMAO) that allows you to quickly bookmark sites and then you can share your bookmarks or something. I'm not sure how it all works, but maybe I can use it to get a blogroll up again (or a "Here's What Frank J. is reading" list). My username on it is Frank_J (someone already stole FrankJ), BTW.

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistible urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to visit the state that 9 out of 10 kids mislabel as Arizona when they try to fill out a blank map of the US, otherwise known as New Mexico. So let's get started...

New Mexico became the 47th state on January 6th, 1912. It was originally founded by a refugees from Texas seeking the religious freedom to end their prayers with "Amen" instead of "YEE-HAW!".

Only 10% of the New Mexico Territory acquired by the US government during the Mexican-American War actually became the state of New Mexico. Very much like your income after taxes.

The world's largest hot air balloon festival is held in Albuquerque, New Mexico, since the city's air comes conveniently pre-heated.

Only .002% of New Mexico's total surface area is covered by lakes and rivers, giving it a water-to-land ratio just slightly larger than Ted Kennedy's conscience-to-soul ratio.

The world's first atomic bomb was detonated near Alamagordo, New Mexico, on July 16th, 1945. The site was chosen by President Truman because he thought it "sounded Japanese enough for blowin' up".

New Mexico's White Sands National Monument is the state's most popular tourist destination among confused cocaine addicts.

Grants, New Mexico, was once known as "the carrot capital of the country" until it was brought low by a plague of wascally wabbits.

The northwest corner of New Mexico borders the corners of three other states, where Cerberus jealously guards against invaders from Colorado, Utah, and Arizona.

The Palace of the Governors in Sante Fe, New Mexico, was built in 1610 and is the oldest public buildings in America. Its walls are covered by colorful frescos and the unremovable stench of nearly 400 years of political corruption.

The ancient Anasazi Indian civilization flourished in New Mexico for over 1300 years before being invaded and conquered by confused cocaine addicts.

New Mexico is the only state in the US named after the country from which the land was acquired. At least until we get around to re-naming Quebec "New Canada".

That's right, you filthy Canucks, we're comin' for ya.

The state flower of New Mexico is the Yucca. Like hemp, its sturdy, fibrous leaves make excellent rope, yet hippies are inexplicably unenthusiastic about it.

Over 1/4 of New Mexico is covered by lush, tropical, dust forests.

Hippies aren't crazy about those, either.

The largest fire in New Mexico's history destroyed nearly 50,000 acres of forest in 2000, and was caused by an Enron document-destroying party that got out of hand.

In 1950, the cub that became the original Smokey the Bear was found after a fire in New Mexico's Lincoln National Forest where he was convicted of arson and sentenced to a life of community service as the Forest Service's mascot.

1 out of 3 families in New Mexico speak Spanish at home. While driving, however, 100% of the state's residents that I cut off in traffic shook their fist and called me "pendejo!", so that first statistic might be low.

The mine at Lake Valley, New Mexico, has veins of 100% pure silver, which allows for removal without destructive mining techniques. Ben & Jerry's was so impressed by this environmentally-friendly operation that they offered to name an ice cream flavor after it, until they realized that nothing really rhymes with "silver".

Inventor Robert Goddard made great advances in the science of rocketry at his Roswell, New Mexico, testing site. The museum dedicated to his work features scale models of his rocket designs and the stuffed & mounted bodies of all the aliens he shot down.

After helping to create the atomic bomb at the Los Alamos, New Mexico, facility, many of the scientists and engineers remained in the area, leading to the creation of America's first Federal Nerd Sanctuary.

1 in 4 adults in New Mexico are employed directly by the Federal Government, which may explain the state's motto of "Liberty, Bureaucracy, Sloth".

There were no public schools in New Mexico until the early 20th century, which is why the state's residents can both spell and pronounce "Albuquerque" correctly.

New Mexico has more sheep and cattle than people. McDonalds reports having a hard time keeping up with demand for its new McMeadow sandwich.

Because of its arid climate, 3/4 of New Mexico's roads are unpaved. Since the dirt is so dry and compacted, it doesn't wash away when it rains. Much like when a hippie showers.

Yeah, I know, but use your imagination.

Sportscaster John Madden was born in Austin, New Mexico, on the same day as the detonation of the first atomic bomb, which may explain his penchant for the word "boom!".

The city of Truth of Consequences, New Mexico, was named after a popular 1950's radio quiz show, or possibly the fact that it's inhabited by mind reading aliens who deal screaming death to those who dare speak untruths in their presence.

Either way, Bill Clinton has never visited the city. Make of that what you will.

The town of Deming, New Mexico, is known for its annual duck races. Insider tip: bet heavily on "Quack O' War".

Singer John Denver was born in Roswell, New Mexico, and is credited by many as the inspiration for Metallica's raw, heavy metal sound.

---

That wraps up the New Mexico edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be shocked to discover that there's actually an entire state surrounding that big, smelly, attention-hogging city, as we visit New York.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find a church service to attend - YEE-HAW!

When Michael Brown found an object in the Kuiper belt larger than Pluto (which could soon become known as our twelth planet under a new proposal), the first person he called to announce his discovery was his wife. And her reaction ot the momentus occasion was:

* Report any suspicious, terrorist-like activity – such as reading the New York Times – to the FBI.

* If you run a restaurant, make sure all items have bacon in them to keep away terrorists.

* When visiting neighbors, check their bookshelves for a Koran. If one is spotted, immediately flee and call the police.

* If you hear someone speaking French, punch him in the face. Speaking French may not help terrorists, but it sure seems like support of terrorism.

* When leaving a parking lot, checks underneath your car and the cars next to you for a bomb. If you see anything you don’t recognize, leave a note on the person’s car saying, “You have a bomb.” Make sure to put a smiley face on the note since you’re being helpful.

* If you see a reporter, beat him with any nearby blunt object. He was probably about to do a news report that would embolden terrorists.

I don't watch local news, and now I realize the Florida primary is coming up and I know pretty much nothing about the candidates. There is going to be a competitive race for both the governor (I'm gonna miss Jeb) and for Senate (as long as Kathleen Harris doesn't win the primary; she was treated horribly unfairly in 2000 and now she has a seat in Congress... but that doesn't mean she deserves a suicidal run for the Senate when we have a good chance of taking down the incumbent), so I need a way to figure what candidates to vote for. Where the best place to get concise information on local candidates, and does any fellow Floridians have opinion on the candidates involved?

My Congressman is Republican Dave Weldon, BTW, and there won't even be a real race in his case.

Since Instapundit recently celebrated his 5th blogiversay, I thought it would be a good time to conduct an interview with Glenn Reynolds, so as to separate man from myth with this legendary blogger.

Unfortunately, Glenn had neither the time nor the inclination to answer my questions, so I put a pair of glasses on a teddy bear, sat him on a blankie, queried him at length, and used one of the many voices in my head to supply the answers.

Figured it wouldn't be TOO different from the real thing.

HARVEY: Thanks for agreeing to do this. First, I can't help noticing that you use the word "heh" a lot. Now, as the Dark Overlord of the Blogosphere, wouldn't it be better to have a more sinister laugh, like "MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" or something? I mean, "heh" just seems kind of effeminate.

GLENN: Not true. Some of the evilest people in the world use "heh". For example, terrorists frequently say "Allah Akbar!" before blowing up school buses full of kids, which actually means "heh" in whatever monkey-jabber language it is they speak.

HARVEY: Why is your blog named "Instapundit"?

GLENN: Simple linguistics - "insta" means "really fast", "pun" is something that's funny in a pathetic sort of way, and "dit" is the spoken representation of the dot - the shorter of the two signals used in telegraph code. So - short, fast, funny, pathetic... all words women have used to describe my performance. I just sort of combined them.

HARVEY: What blogs do you read regularly?

GLENN: Including Instapundit?

HARVEY: Yes.

GLENN: Just Ann Althouse.

HARVEY: You DON'T read Instapundit?

GLENN: READ it? I don't even proofread it! That blog is just the result of Thunderbird-addled baboons poking randomly at keyboards & hitting the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button on Google. Then I have a mildly retarded parrot add a link to whatever pops up.

GLENN: Right. I was telling him to keep up the great blogging work. The boy's got talent. Unlike YOU, who I wouldn't even poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

HARVEY: Are you planning a sequel to your runaway best-seller "An Army of Davids"?

GLENN: Yes, this September, I'll be releasing "An Army of Destructo-bots: How Killer Robots Empower Ordinary Evil Overlords to Beat Any Rag-Tag Army of Misfits Those Pathetic Davids Can Raise". By the way, if you haven't already, you should buy my book. I need money. Those Destructo-bots aren't going to build themselves.

HARVEY: Why should people help you to enslave the human race?

GLENN: If you buy "An Army of Davids", you get a free coupon for a swift and merciful death. Everyone else has to listen to a Glenn & Helen Podcast as the Destructo-bot slowly crushes the life out of their bodies. MUAHAHA... I mean... heh.

HARVEY: Ok... well... that wraps up this interview. I'm gonna go run out and buy me a copy of that "Armada of Duckies" thing so that your shrieky, pteradactyl-like voice isn't the last sound I hear. Thank you for your time, Mr. Reynolds, and keep up the great blogging work.

GLENN: Thanks... um... aren't you going to punch me now?

HARVEY: Sorry. I'm saving it for Frank J.... besides, I wouldn't hit a bear with glasses.

As you know, I live in LA. Some people think it's dangerous, mostly because they're afraid the police might attack them. That's not true. Turns out that they're just as likely to attack each other!!!

Funny. As they looked at the numbers they realized there were just as many officers shot by other officers as there were who were shot by criminals.

LA is hoping they can tone down the cop on cop shooting. Maybe we can convince them to start by writing each other tickets, or letting each other off with a warning.

It’s gotten so bad that the police have a new term – Driving While Police Officer.

They also have a new locker room slogan: Just for today, I will not shoot anybody.

Country singer Troy Lee Gentry is in trouble with the law for killing a tame bear and then claiming he killed it in the wild.

They suspect he filmed the thing on video and edited to look like he was on a real hunt. Here are some tips for editing. When you show the bear, and some damaged trees and dead animals - that swath of destruction makes for good video.

Bad video is when you film the bear, and right next to him you can still see the bear’s little tricycle.

Troy Gentry is part of Montgomery Gentry, a singing duo with country hits such as If You Ever Stop Loving Me, My Town, , and I’m Coming to Your House to Shoot Your Hamster.

A judge in Ohio has ruled that two teens can finish out their football seasons before having to serve their jail time. The teens will be doing time for setting up a deer decoy in the middle of the road. The prank led to people being severely injured.

Judge said "I shouldn't be doing this, but I'm going to. I see positive things about participating in football,"

Football doing positive things? I don’t know. It didn’t seem to HELP THEM BEFORE!!!

But maybe a couple of extra games is what they need to really get back on the right track.

This judge is only gonna confuse other people in his court.

Judge: I order you to serve two months as a wide receiver!

Defendant: (pumping fist) Yes!! I LOVE football.

Judge: Who said anything about football?

So the quarterback and his teammate are back with the Wildcats and getting ready for their next game against Sandusky Bears.

Suchin: Please help me. Call the toll free number to get my full story – or visit me at MySpace.

The cool part about these laptops is the crank to generate power. That part is awesome. All for $100 dollars developed by a non-profit organization.

They would have bought Dell Laptops but, thankfully, many developing nations have already discovered fire.

Here in California, lawmakers are pondering a new law.

According to the SF Chronicle website, the bill would require pet shops to house no more than four mice per 1-square-foot-wide by 9-inch-tall container, and place an exercise wheel and gnawing item in the cage.

Good thing the state senate has some conservatives. As originally written, the law demanded Cable TV and conjugal visits.

Who COMES UP WITH THIS STUFF?

When I’m at a store with my kids and they want a hamster, I think about the price of the hamster and the food.

I don’t sit there worrying abut the hamster’s cholesterol.

Do I really need a hamster to be in shape?

Maybe.

You never know when it might have to run away from crazed country singers.

**

Remember, I can't hear you laugh. If something struck your funnybone - post it in comments.

I guess the question I should ask is how stoned do you have to be to be concerned if a fish is joyful?

"Hey, man, joy to the fishes."
"Pull over, Leroy. I think I ought to drive."
"No, really. Joy to the fishes."
"What, you're Vegan now? I don't care. We're still going to Red Lobster. Now shut up!"
"I'm tryin to tell you - joy to the fishes."
"Just sit tight, Leroy. We're just a few minutes from the hospital."

Then there's the bit about If I were the king of the world."I

I'd be very concerned if the King Of The World were worried whether fish were joyful.

Although, to tell you the truth, it would be a vast improvement on old Wahab thugs like King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia.

Have you told me what you want? What you really, really want? Well, we're all out of that zigga-zig-zoom. Spacemonkey ate it all. So I'm stuck with this peddling this crap.

Anyway, it's time for Frisky the Beloved:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Edloe is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

Here are some photos from my honeymoon with the lovely and talented SarahK back in December. They're of back when we were happy and in love and not the hollow husks of our former selves we are now, watching TV together in silence as we do all we can to avoid eye contact that might remind ourselves how much we now hate each other.

So what have you done today to help kill terrorists? Well, a number of people in Hollywood have put a full-page ad in the LA Times demanding all terrorists be killed. Actually, the phrase they used is "stop terrorism at all costs", but that's really good for Hollywood people.

Now, my question to Hollywood: Where are the terrorist-killing movies?

Isn't it time for some big-budget action flick about some Rambo like character shooting his way into Mecca to take out a terrorist cell? I know the America public is just waiting to see a movie where terrorists die many ignominious deaths. Sure, those terrorists will try to hide behind women and children, but that won't stop the American hero from killing them anyway since he'll be a great shot and smart. And, when he kills them, he'll have some humorous quip such as, "You dead now, terrorist!"

And such a movie is important. It would show people that killing terrorists is both necessary and fun, maybe getting more people to join the side in support of dead terrorists.

It's almost a crime we haven't had such a movie by now. Why won't Hollywood give us what we want? We want to watch terrorists get what's coming to them, but instead they make movies about gay cowboys.

Maybe they just haven't had a good script yet. That's hard to believe, since such a movie would write itself (at the beginning of each scene there are terrorists, at the end of each scene there are only dead terrorists; the middle just as to be changed up a little for each one). I know how to type and stuff, so I'll write the script if given a good enough advance.

Oh! I just thought of a neat scene! One terrorist will start yelling, "Allah ackbar!" but, right after shouting, "Allah...", the terrorists will go into an extended "Ack!" as he finds himself shot through the mouth by our hero, Frank J. This movie will be so cool! All you Hollywood execs reading this can start making me offers now.

The International Astronomical Union is currently working on a final definition of what a planet is so that the debate over whether Pluto is a planet or not will finally end and astronomers can finally tilt their telescopes back at the open bathroom window of their hot next door neighbor.

Thanks to some skillful detective work involving one of our contributors disguising himself as a janitor, IMAO has received a patrial list of the IAU's list of planets and non-planets... (EDITORS: MARK AS EXLUSIVE TO IMAO)

Earth: Planet
Mars: Planet
Mars (the candy bar): Not A Planet
Planet Hollywood: Not A Planet
Jupiter: Planet
Venus: Planet
Public Enemy's "Fear Of A Black Planet" album: Not A Planet
Venus Williams: Not A Planet
Pluto: Planet
Animal Planet Channel: Not A Planet
Saturn: Planet
Saturn (the car company): Not A Planet
Mercury: (see Saturn)
The Daily Planet: Not A Planet (or a real newspaper)
Neptune: Planet

You know how the trolls (and guys with green helmets) try to counter every argument with pictures of dead children? Well, Grim at Blackfive has a post which should make those people's heads explode: He's arguing for killing children! Seriously!

Former President Ford has been admitted to the Mayo clinic. Nobody knows why, really. None of Ford's people are sharing any information. Reporters are a bit miffed I tell you. They’re not used to dealing with former presidents who can keep their mouths shut.

Reporters asked President Bush about how he felt about Mr. Ford being admitted to the Mayo clinic. He responded: “I’ve long believed in the healing capabilities of Mayo – and Mustard.”

Here in California the Governator is in trouble. Really. Local Muslim groups were offended that he went to some pro-Israel rallies. He never attended any of the Muslim events.

The bad news for Arnold? They’re so mad that they’re threatening to help his opponent Phil Angelides.

The strange part is they’re offering to give him 1,000 cell phones.

I’m sure you’ve heard about that. Three kids were busted with over 1,000 cell phones in their van. I guess that makes giving out your phone number much easier.

Kid: “Yeah. Call me, dude. My number is 555 – um – just dial any four numbers after 555, I’ll get the call.”

It's a great idea. Really. Until the phone rings.

Dell is in the news lately. It seems that certain laptop models have batteries that catch on fire. Dell hasn’t seen anything like this since they introduced their New Jersey Edition which not only caught on fire but also featured a lack of eyewitnesses. Oddly, it was the only laptop they offered that came with insurance.

Wal-Mart is reporting that they will have lower earnings. This is understandable. Labor is getting harder to find and more expensive now that many of their overseas employees are going back to Kindergarten.

Also, for some reason, sales are down for cell phones.

Some Mexican fishermen were found after having been missing for 9 months and presumed dead. Isn’t that awesome?

They survived by drinking rain water and eating birds and fish.

The good news is that they were found by some Taiwanese fisherman and are doing well. The bad news is that they have a touch of the bird flu.

Wanna hear something really funny? When the Taiwanese workers came up on deck and saw the three Mexicans they yelled, “Damn, where did all these illegals come from?”

The skies aren’t any safer than the water, believe me.

A United Airlines flight had an incident where a woman freaked out. Turns out she had claustrophobia. That’s what you need on a flight, somebody who desperately needs to get out.

All these airline restrictions are wild. It’s a stressful time to fly. People wanting to blow up airplanes, freaked out passengers, crazy “youths” trying to sneak in liquid explosives.

I’m not saying that restrictions on flights are tight, but just the other day they caught an airline pilot sneaking in some powdered Jack Daniels.

In Arizona, they have a brand new state of the art football field. The field is on a tray and it retracts in and out of the stadium so that the grass can get rain and sunshine.

The field takes 1 hour to retract into the building. One hour to move 100 yards?

NFL officials say this is the first time the field covers more ground than the football team.

"As you all know," Bush told the press assembled on the White House lawn, "Terrorists are trying to use explosive liquids to kill people. Thus, for security purposes, it is required that all you reporter empty your bladders before meeting with me for questions. If any of you are caught peeing during this press conference, this guy over here will shoot you." Bush pointed to a nearby Marine.

"I'm Buck the Marine and I kill terrorists."

"You tell 'em, Buck!"

"Mr. President," said one reporter, "why are you standing on a pile of dead terrorists? Is that supposed to be symbolic of something?"

"Yes, it's symbolic of how my administration has killed many many terrorists and will kill many more. I want terrorists to know that we will kill them, and then I'll stand on your dead body and answer questions from moron reporters. That's right, with me, you get results... results we can stand on. Thus, Republicans tower over Democrats because we look down upon from our large piles of dead terrorists while Democrats have no dead terrorists to stand on. Hell, them Democrats never killed nobody. But look under my feet; these people are dead because of my policies. That's results. It may not smell nice, but hardwork isn't always pretty."

"Why isn't the pile larger?" asked the FOX News reporter.

"Well... it ain't like it's all the terrorists we killed... it just symbolic of how many we killed." Bush turned stern. "Now stop being so critical, FOX News. You just recite the talking points we send you each day and then we'll lend you our dead terrorists for those fluff pieces you do. Next question."

"With the growing price of gas--"

"Why are you asking me about gas prices!" Bush asked angrily. "Can't you see I'm standing on top of a pile of dead terrorists? I am mighty! Ask me good questions about killing terrorists!"

"Are you worried that standing on a pile of dead terrorists could be interrepted by some as being offensive to Muslims?"

"Well, this organization CAIR raised that concern... but then I found out that those guys are Islamic and had them arrested for being fascists. Any more questions? And remember to speak up because I'm way up here on top of a pile of dead terrorists."

"Are you going to support the Republican candidate in the Senate race in Connetticut?"

"Why are you asking about Conetticut?" Bush shouted. "Are you not noticing this huge pile of terrorists I'm standing on? Who cares about Conetticut? Americans care about dead terrorists. Now, some one give me a good question."

"How are you going to get all those dead bodies off the White House lawn?"

Bush was silent for a moment. "Hadn't really thought about that. Well, the bodies should all decompose, so I guess the problem will take care of itself. Anyway, I want to show you this cool new thing that should lead to even more piles of dead terrorists."

A fierce looking robot marched out from behind the pile of dead terrorists. It held its hands up in a threatening manner.

"People are worried about discrimination in trying to find terrorists at airports," Bush continued, "but a robot can't be unfairly prejudiced because it's got circuits and electricty for a brain. Thus, we've made robots that will patrol the airports, identify terrorists and terrorist supporters, and crush their heads with its mighty robot steel hands."

"But won't this--" a New York Times reporter started to say but then had his head crushed by the robot.

"I should note that there are many different definitions of terrorists," Bush said. "This robot was programmed by Condi, so it will... and there goes the head of a Reuters reporter. Anyway, as I look down upon you all from my pile of dead terrorists while you tremble in fear of my head-crushing robot, it brings me hope for a great American future. I hope it brings all those watching hope as well. To further that hope, I want to introduce yet another weapon against terror: Drunken Rumsfeld!"

A bleary Rumsfeld stumbled out onto the lawn.

"The terrorists may have their deadly liquids, but no liquid is more deadly than whiskey when applied to Donald Rumsfeld. He's now a mindless killing machine!"

Rumsfeld's stared at the press.

"Aieeee!" one reporter screamed. "He has murder in his eyes!"

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled as he chased the reporters.

"I guess that ends the press conference," Bush laughed to himself. He then looked for a way down from his pile of dead terrorists. "Uh... a little help here." No one answered. "Hello? Anybody around?" Still no answer. "Head-crushing robot, could you get me down without crushing me?"

So what is the government doing about CAIR? I know some are against a full out attack on that terror group because, apparently, they have a political wing somewhat distinguished from the terror wing, but I won't feel safe at home until the government captures and kills its leadership.

It is the official stance of IMAO that terrorists should be dead. In fact, we find the concept of alive terrorists to be morally repugnant.

So how do we get politicians to focus on this huge problem of terrorists running around alive? They want to focus on dumb domestic issues, but that's not why we made a federal government. It's certainly not why I made one. Their job is to kill these terrorists, and I demand results. Each time a terrorists breathes, it is a mockery to us all.

Do we march on Washington? As anti-abortion people wave pictures of dead babies since that is what they're protesting, we could wave pictures of alive terrorists since we are protesting that. I do not like this idea, though. I have a job, and protest marches are for dumb, smelly, jobless hippies. Also, waving a sign all day would probably cause my shoulders to be sore the next day - which solves nothing. Finally, important issues should be able to be solved with out sign waving and yelling.

So what motivates politicians? The merits of your argument, money, and votes - though not in that order. Now, the nutroots were able to organize and get enough money together to defeat Joe Lieberman in the primary since they were so motivated to get Jews out of the Democratic Party. We should as motivated to only have terrorist killers in the Republican Party. We should make sure we only vote for people who vow to focus on making sure terrorists are not alive anymore. Anytime new bill are proposed, we should always ask: "How will this help kill terrorists?", "How many terrorists will it kill?", and "How painfully will they die?"

Also, for continued support of the war in Iraq, we need President Bush to come out and explain how this war is killing terrorists, that it will continue to kill terrorists, and what steps are being made to kill even more terrorists.

These are all reasonable demands. As a tax-payer (well, I had an extension so I'll pay in October), they should be met. We should all work together as one voice to make it known that we're sick and tired of alive terrorists and won't rest until something is done.

It seems like we barely get updates on the war on terror these days. Yeah, it's cool to hear about schools being built and elections and what-not, but I really want to know how many @#$%ers we kill each day. I mean, this is my tax money at work. Each day, we should get an estimated terrorist death count. And, if the numbers start to drop, we'll know to demand an explanation.

Really, how hard would it be for the government to supply us with that? i should write my Congressman and see if he'll propose the bill...

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistible urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to thrill to the intoxicating aroma of inadequately-maintained industrial landfills as we visit New Jersey. So let's get started...

New Jersey became the 3rd state on December 18, 1787 after cutting off the head of Old Jersey and shouting "There can be only ONE!"

The state song of New Jersey is "I'm From New Jersey", the only state song which is perfectly adaptable to any state or city with a 3-syllable name. Think of it as "witness protection program friendly".

At over 1000 people per square mile, New Jersey has a population density 13 times the US average, the subject of numerous protests by KFCeTP (Kentucky Fried Chickens for the Ethical Treatment of People).

Newark, New Jersey is the car-theft capital of the world, although the Newark Chamber of Commerce prefers to refer to it as "pre-emptive recycling".

Cape May, New Jersey, is the oldest seaside resort in the US and brags that it has "the best fed sharks north of Amity".

The state flag of New Jersey has a buff colored background, the state seal (3 plows topped by a horse's head) and the state motto "Perhaps you should reconsider the Don's generous offer".

The state flower of New Jersey is the violet. And before you ask: no, I didn't accidentally leave out the "n".

The state's name, however, WAS originally a typographical error, when an inattentive clerk mistakenly typed an "s" instead of a "k" on the colony's application for statehood.

One exceptionally capitalistic area of New Jersey contains 7 shopping malls in a 25 square mile area and frequently exceeds the EPA limits on perfume particulates.

New Jersey is America's second largest producer of industrial chemicals. First, if you include the stuff that's burning on the rivers.

The first Miss America pageant took place in Atlantic City, New Jersey, in 1921, helping to end the dark chapter in American history where beautiful, large-breasted women were routinely shunned and ignored.

The streets in the game Monopoly are all named for actual streets in Atlantic City, New Jersey, which are frequently clogged with shoes and tophats.

New Jersey's Fort Dix was named for Major General John Adams Dix, and NOT for the fact that it was the last all-male Army base in the US

Atlantic City, New Jersey has the longest boardwalk in the world. Enough trees were used in its construction to make 10,000 hippies weep in anguish.

The first Indian reservation in the US was created in New Jersey, which - surprisingly - did NOT trigger a case involving the 8th Amendment's "cruel and unusual punishment" clause.

Union, New Jersey is home to the world's tallest water tower. At 212 feet tall, it contains enough water to completely clean out three of Michael Moore's belly-folds.

New Jersey is the only state in the nation that offers child abuse prevention workshops in every public school. Although you'd think that if they REALLY cared about the kids, they'd just move them out of the state.

The first baseball game was played in Hoboken, New Jersey, one of the few times in the state's history where the use of a baseball bat wasn't immediately followed by a homicide investigation.

The first drive-in movie theater was opened Camden, New Jersey, in 1933, less than one year before Camden set the record for "most illegitimate births".

Tourism is New Jersey's second-largest industry, just behind discreet body-disposal.

The knobbed whelk is the state seashell, not a nickname for New York tourists.

The first dinosaur skeleton found in the US was discoverd in Haddonfield, New Jersey. Paleontologists theorize that the cause of its death was not accepting the Don's generous offer.

Dioxin is New Jersey's state toxic waste

Good luck guessing whether that one's true or not.

Comedians Bud Abbot and Lou Costello were both born in New Jersey. Their famous comedy routine "Who Do Youse Want Me to Whack First" was later re-written slightly to appeal to a broader audience.

Singer Whitney Houston was born in Newark, New Jersey, where she first discovered her amazing talent for making dogs howl across three counties.

Singer Bruce Springsteen was born in Freehold, New Jersey. The city's residents are the only people who know what he's actually singing in "Blinded By The Light"

"Washing with a loofah in the corner to the right"? "Dressed up in a tutu like the mother of my wife"? What the HELL is he singing?

"The Chairman of the Board" Frank Sinatra was born in Hoboken, New Jersey. He... I've just been handed a note... apparently if I value my kneecaps, I should be keepin' by yap shut about Mr. Sinatra.

Nevermind.

In New Jersey, "Wawa" refers to a particular chain of convenience stores, NOT to the last sound the guy in your trunk makes before you throw him in the dumpster behind the convenience store.

The reason people always ask folks from New Jersey "What exit?" is that it's the only phrase that can't be mistaken for a criticism of Mr. Sinatra.

---

That wraps up the New Jersey edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be nervously drumming our fingers on the dashboard while awaiting the arrival of our drug mule near the southern border of New Mexico.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take the Don up on his generous offer of a free trip to the back of the Wawa.
______________

I can see this guy being the dumb muscle for a smarter dictator, but running a country? Come on!

Anyway, it seems like he's aspiring to be a Castro henchman (here he is holding an odd phallic symbol for Castro). I could see that working for him.

"You anger Fidel! Hugo smash!"

Anyway, Bush should have a meeting with Hugo and punch him right in his big, dumb, ape face because that's how we treat thugs in America. Thugs may push people around in other countries, but here we push thugs around.

Also, punching Hugo Chavez in the face could help Bush's approval ratings; it would be pretty impossible to harm it, at least.

So, the Israelis have started their cease-fire, and now the IDF is all like, "Well, Frank, what do we do now?"

I don't know why they're asking me, though, as I don't really like Jews. You see, my savior, Jesus, was last seen with a bunch of Jews before he mysteriously disappeared. Thus, I've always been suspect of Jews.

Still, I'm here to help - especially to help people suffering the pain of not being able shoot terrorists. So here are:

* I have up the new BlogAds 3.0 above my regular ads. It allows more ad options, including a cheap one that's only text. So there you go.

* I put up a free ad for RightRoots which John Hawkins has been big in promoting. I'm all for getting good conservatives elected, but I want to make sure we only promote candidates with the correct stance on the issues of the @#$%ers (Proper Stance: Kill them). I'm not usually for litmus tests, but I'm not supporting anyone whose main platform isn't "Kill the @#$%ers."

* I have the new issue of Jim Baen's Universe on my PDA (preview edition is here), and this time they have chapter select and all the images on the MSReader version. That's cool, because, if they eventually buy my story, I'll get to see a graphic of a cowboy fighting a dragon on my PDA... just like God intended. Anyway, make sure to check them out, because it's great reading material for people who, unlike my wife, can't just read Harry Potter over and over. Also, if my readers check out the magazine and subscribe, you make me look good. Everyone wins.

* BTW, for those wondering about Hellbender, I have started writing the novel version. In a little while, I'll probably put up some chapters. It will most likely be over at Baen's Bar so I can get some more professional opinions.

* Expect new (and re-released) IMAO t-shirts from ThoseShirts.com soon, as we're in the process of working on them. Also, I hope to add some more designs to our CafePress store (some of mine and some from Harvey and Ducky) soon and then finally get out the IMAO Newsletter with the official and definitive explanation of what IMAO stands for.

* SarahK and I should redouble efforts on finishing up the first In My World™ compilation, so hopefully that will be out soon. It will be a professional quality book with an ISBN number and a listing on Amazon.com and everything. Plus, it has cool cover art by the same person who did the Chomps t-shirt.

* I had put up e-mails I got threatening legal action if I didn't take down some spam comments. Now I have this comment to that post:

Hi, Frank

I am Sam, the admin of MortgageFit. We are a mortgage community working towards the development of mortgage industry.

Few months ago, someone posted our link on your website (he may be our competitor). There is a link of my website in couple of pages. I will be highly obliged if you can do me a small favor by removing those links.

Thanks for your kind attention and time.

Regards

Sam Palmisan
Administrator
MortgageFit

That's all I wanted; I just wanted to be asked nicely. I'll go erase the spam now...

It has been announced the Fidel Castro is recovering, and Cuba has released some recent photos of Castro to show that he is alive. Some doubt their authenticity and even suggest the photos were manipulated with photo editing software. To counter this, intrepid IMAO fauxto journalist Cadet Happy present these exclusive images that prove once and for all the Fidel Castro is alive.

Fidel Castro at mass today with an unidentified priest carrying today's edition of the South Bend Tribune.(IMAO Fauxto/Cadet Happy)

Fidel Castro at a rally today with an unidentified supporter. He's talking on his new Blackberry 8600g and carrying today's edition of the L.A. Times.(IMAO Fauxto/Cadet Happy)

Fidel Castro with an unidentified foreign official. He's listening to Christina Aguilera's hit single "Ain't No Other Man" on his iPod.(IMAO Fauxto/Cadet Happy)

Fidel Castro at a parade. It's clear from his watch that it is today.(IMAO Fauxto/Cadet Happy)

I think a lot of people put up reviews on Amazon about liberal and conservative books without even reading them. Now, the same thing is happening with milk!

Sample:

Not good for roof leaks, August 4, 2006Reviewer: VR (Albuquerque, NM) - See all my reviews

I had a problem where my roof was leaking. I poured some Tuscan Whole Milk over it to seal it up and it just flowed right into the hole and didn't do anything. I now have milk constantly dripping down from the ceiling and it has stained the drywall as well. The milk trapped in the ceiling is now rancid and smells horrible. It has also induced a pest infestation problem. The pest control company won't deal with it because of the odor is unbearable in the house. My wife and children are now leaving me as well. This product has ruined my life. Do not buy this product, I suggest some roof caulking or tar instead.

Q. How can I identify a terrorist?
A. Sometime the differences between terrorists and non-terrorists are quite subtle. While a non-terrorist would carry a briefcase, a terrorist would carry an AK-47. If a non-terrorist bumps into you, he will say, "Pardon me, sir." If a terrorist bumps into you, he will say, "Death to the infidels!" The main way to identify a terrorist, though, is the evil look in their eyes. Also, they're Arab.

Q. What about those people who set bombs in Ireland?
A. I believe they are also Arab.

Q. I don't think that's right.
A. Then write your own FAQ.

Q. I don't want to.
A. Then quit yer griping. Oh, in addition to their Arabness, they may carry a liquid or a gel, or perhaps a citrus juice from concentrate

Q. What do I do then?
A. Don't drink it, especially if you are on a low acid diet or don't like exploding.

Q. I tawt I taw a terrorist! What should I do?
A. Immediately jump him and pummel him. There will always be time for questions post-pummeling.

Q. What if I was wrong and jumped a non-terrorist?
A. Have a sincere sounding apology prepared just in case. Also, carry around a number of those "Fun Size" bags of chips. Then you can say, "I'm sorry I beat you up. Here's a bag of Fritos."

Q. What if I need to shoot a terrorist? What caliber should I use?
A. I recommend a .45, but many people now prefer a .40 caliber handgun. Shoot the terrorist a couple times; if he doesn't die, switch to the next higher caliber.

Q. I just shot a terrorist, but I found a bomb near him. What should I do?
A. Cut the red wire.

Q. Are you sure I shouldn't cut the green wire?
A. Yeah, on second thought, cut the green wire.

Q. So which is it? The red wire or the green wire?
A. Could be the blue wire.

Mike Wallace interviewed Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Wallace then appeared on Hannity's radio show and defended Mahmoud against charges of anti-Semitism (he just wants to wipe out Israel, that's all). In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, Wallace had this to say:

"...in a strange way, he’s a rather attractive man..."

Eww.

Now reporters aren't just revealing our secret programs to benefit the enemy, they're actually contemplating gay love affairs with people who want Americans dead. I'm no journalist major, but I think there is something wrong with that.

I could just be out of the times, though, so feel free to ignore me...

This is when I make some kind of silly statement about how I'm the only one who catblogs here, but the Department Of Homeland Security has imposed severe restrictions on excuse-making at airports due to the recent raising of the Threat Level from Yellow to Red.

Anyway, it's time for Edloe the Grumpus:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Edloe is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

Angered by how right-leaning blogs are accomplishing things of significance, Kos is trying to catch some fauxtography of his own, saying Republicans put a Hitler mustache on Dean in their new spread of the Dicklesscrats.

There is finally a front-page article about the attempted terror attacks (not by Kos, though), but it's to complain about Bush calling the terrorists "Islamic Fascists" and side with terrorists sympathizers CAIR. Interesting to know these people's priorities; really, what planet are they from?

After all of the bodies are counted and the damaged is assessed we have to come to the conclusion that one main group is at the center of all this terrorist activity: Airlines.

That’s right. Airlines have been at the center of September 11th and the most recent foiled terror attempt.

It’s time for the airlines to ask themselves this question: Why are we so hated? Is it the stupid bag of peanuts that some of us now charge you for? Is it that we get so easily offended when you call us stewardesses instead of flight attendants? Are the male flight attendants too queer? Not queer enough? Do you want an ENTIRE can of soda?

These are the questions the airline industry must ask itself.

Sure, there have been attacks on other transportation systems, but that’s mostly because these other systems such as the Spanish trains and those funny British buses have provided aid and support to the airlines – mostly in the form of rides to and from the airports. Sometimes in the form of advertising.

Don’t you think the terrorists see all of this? Do we have no regard for their feelings? It’s not wonder they hate the airlines.

Here’s an outline of what the airlines can do to get along better with those who are disgruntled at their Frequent Flier Politics.

Mohammed Mondays. They went their whole childhood with everyone having the same name. In any given school there are almost as many Mohammeds as there are Ashleys and Joses. Well now that name is going to pay off big time because anyone named Mohammed can get faster boarding service on Mondays. Life is too short to spend it like everyone else. It’s time to get them on that plane!!

Better Customer Service. In looking at the printing on my ticket, I’ve noticed that most airline tickets run out of letters before they finish spelling your name. This is inconsiderate and is bound to be the reason for at least 1 out of the 4 airplanes hijacked on September 11th. Through better service and ticketing technology, these tickets can not only list a Middle Easterners full name, but also list the name of all 72 promised virgins.

Frisk Free Fridays. Nothing is more irritating to a Muslim traveler more than getting frisked at the front security gate. It frustrating and only makes them want to blow people up even faster. Frisk Free Friday would mean that everyone could simply walk through the gate. Not worry about security - suspicious people, such as old ladies and people wearing crucifixes would still go through the standard body cavity search.

Special Movies: The latest movie, featuring American atrocities carried out in the Middle East, is always a popular activity to help whittle away the hours. Current movies even feature popular American actors!

New Dress Code. Just the other day, passengers were complaining that they could see the flight attendants ankles. This is unacceptable because it leads to what is commonly referred to as “Mile High Lust.”

By making the attendants, and all passengers for that matter, wear a Burqua, we can keep them from tempting men.

Those are just a few of the changes the airlines can make. If they institute some of these changes, and they should considering the quality of my recommendations, then we can finally have some world peace.

So ladies and gentlemen, when traveling, remember this important tip: Monday is a good day to fly.

James Joyner at Outside the Beltway just yesterday had a post about why we'll never see the terror alert system will never be anything other than yellow or orange (i.e., it's always going to rest on just two out of five of its possible levels). Today, we have a red alert being used for (what I think is) the first time. Of course, it's limited in scope to planes coming from the UK to the US. Maybe in the same vein, we could finally lower the terror alert to blue in a limited scope (maybe we can set the terror alert to blue for people in the international space since, as far as we know, jihadis have yet to make escape velocity – at least not with all pieces of them at once).

Anyway, I still think James's logic was pretty much right... if just slightly off as today's events have shown.

So where are we? Terror plot foiled (hopefully) about blowing up planes between the U.S. and the U.K. and there are still a bunch of Egyptians illegally in the country for who knows what reason (are they just cutting class or what?). All the while, most of us are getting wary that the war in Iraq is going nowhere and the "War on Terror" is nothing more than a phrase.

Let's stand back and look at the facts: There are a bunch of murderous @#$% out there who want to kill innocent people.

Now there are a couple of approaches to this problem:

1. You do your best to not make them angry. You leave the Middle East, you stop supporting Israel, and you hope that makes them so happy that they'll just give up being murderery ("We have to focus on the root causes of terrorism","Why do they hate us",etc.). We'll call this the "dickless" approach.

2. You focus on stopping attacks in America. You pour all you can into intelligence hoping you'll stop attacks in this country, but you don't just stomp off into the Middle East to get the terrorists because that will cause a "quagmire." In other words, you wait for them to come to you... really hoping they won't, though. We'll call this the "hung like an infant" approach.

3. You put a bullet in a terrorist's head before the terror plot even gets there. You go after them, and you kill them and stop them now. We'll call this the "kill the @#$%ers" approach.

Now, as we all know, it's really easy to say "kill the @#$%ers" but harder to implement in practice. We were hardly in Afghanistan a couple of hours before people started shouting, "Quagmire!" We've been in Iraq for years, and we have killed a lot of @#$%ers, but no one sees an end in sight. We're worried it's only going to get worse, and there's lots of talk about when are we getting out of there.

Only problem is the murderous @#$% are still out there and they still want to kill. So leaving isn't an option at all.

Do we ramp up the conflict? Won't that only get us into a quagmire?

Far as I've seen things in my limited ability to analyze military actions (and granted I'm not even good at chess), the way you get in a quagmire is you get yourself in a situation where the enemy doesn't think we have it in us to attack them harder so they keep hurting us until we just decide to give up.

And do you think the enemy believe we're ready to really massacre the @#$%ers? When you watch TV, is the number one concern on everyone's mind, "Why aren't these @#$%ers all dead?"

No. You look at America right now, there is no reason to take us seriously. Our military is plenty serious (just look at this guy). The only problem is they are constrained by our fickle nature. If the public isn't serious, then the politicians will make sure the military isn't deployed seriously. They will try to protect the troops by essentially holding them back from getting the job done.

Which protects no one.

We have to get in there and we have to kill all the @#$%ers. Yes, this will make many other countries mad. But, who cares? There are @#$%ers who need killing and that should be our largest concern. If people in the Middle East get mad at our presence, we simply tell them, "Well, we wouldn't have to be here if you just killed your own damn @#$%ers." And we'll set solid conditions which we'll leave, that other countries can hold us to, but those conditions will always be in the form of "we'll leave when these certain @#$%ers are dead." And we'll name the particular @#$%ers, and upon their demise, we will leave. And thus we can all work together to one goal that will make everyone happy… except, of course, the @#$%ers who have no reason to ever be happy.

So how to get there? For that, we need serious politicians. We need people who aren't going to back down until all the @#$%ers are dead. We need people who, when they see the current bills before Congress, will exclaim, "Minimum wage? Estate tax? How the hell are these things going to help us kill the @#$%ers?"

Because the federal government wasn't made to give us handouts and wipe our noses; its purpose is to protect us from the @#$%ers out there in foreign lands. Now there are plenty of dickless people out there who will argue against this. If you've been following just the lefty blogs over the past month, you'd think that Lieberman was a much bigger threat to the world than Hezbollah. That's because the dickless out there are a bunch of gnats; annoying little things to be ignored and swatted on some occasions but pointless to debate. The dickless want to minimize that there are terrorists out there and focus on winning a few elections and forwarding their agendas full of piddling crap. Basically, there is a gun battle going on around them, and they're trying to cover their ears and continue playing Chutes and Ladders.

Useless. Dickless. Not worth our time.

What we need is to get candidates out there who will run under a platform of "We must kill all the @#$%ers." That's the only issue the Republicans should push forward right now. But let's not be like those annoying little gnats and think the goal in politics is getting "our people" elected. The goal is to kill the @#$%ers. If some hippie Democrat smelling of patchouli oil runs on a platform of "Free healthcare, saving the environment, gay marriage, more handouts for the poor, and killing all the @#$%ers" he'd get my vote over anyone else out there.

The point is that there are people out there who have murdered thousands of innocents and they will keep trying and trying until they murder thousands more. Are we going to be able to keep focuses on that fact until all the @#$%ers are dead?

I dunno, but we have to try. We might as well start this election cycle.

IMAO scores again. I have discovered a job listing that will blow you away. If it doesn't, you'll LOOK blown away once we "touch up" the pictures.

**** JOB LISTING ****

Have you ever wanted to be a photographer but were afraid you’d spend your days chasing after Lindsay Lohan? Can you look at something through a viewfinder and click a button? Then do we have a job for you: Reuters Photographer. As a photographer for Reuters (Motto: It’s been 2 days since we’ve been busted with mistakes) you’ll travel the world.

Our most important demand? Objectivity. You must be as neutral as possible while documenting the latest atrocities inflicted by Israel upon an unsuspecting, innocent world.

Each A is worth 1 point.
Each B answer is worth 2 points.
Each C answer is worth 3 point.

______

Evaluation:

10-12 points: We’re sorry. Your objectivity in this case would be a liability. We encourage you to try out for some other underpaid, unrespected position. We recommend garbage can washer or IMAO blogger.

13-21 points: Not bad. You have the makings of a decent photojournalist provided we can eliminate these strange bouts of humanity.

22 – 30 points: Congratulations. Your job offer is in the mail. Should you not get our letter please feel free to forge your own.

A Lebanese woman reacts as a giant marshmallow man destroys her homeland. When the Israelis forced her to choose Lebanon's destroyer, she tried to think of the most harmless thing she could imagine only to be horrified by the results.(IMAO Photo/Cadet Happy)

A Lebanese woman reacts after having accidentally walked into a gay bar. Ryan Seacrest happened to be nearby to calm her down, helping her channel her homophobia into something more productive: hating Israel.(IMAO Photo/Cadet Happy)

A Lebanese woman reacts to an offer of delicious bass from an awkward Israeli. Pedro (pictured right) is currently under investigation for election fraud.(IMAO Photo/Cadet Happy)

A Lebanese woman reacts to the horror that is Janet Jackson. Muslim women have no greater fear than a public wardrobe malfunction, a catastrophe that would let invading Israelis know the color of their hair.(IMAO Photo/Cadet Happy)

A Lebanese woman fights for her life against Israeli pirate Captain Jack Sparrow, defending what little she has left since the pirate already took all her eye-liner.(IMAO Photo/Cadet Happy)

A Lebanese woman reacts as she bursts from a cake to find herself gawked at by Israeli men. She had hid in the cake to escape Israeli bombing, only to have the cake wheeled into a bachelor party.(IMAO Photo/Cadet Happy)

Someone should find out what her name is. Anyway, intrepid IMAO photo journalist Cadet Happy continues his reporting:

A Lebanese woman reacts as British Jew Simon Cowell declares her singing "the worst atrocity a Muslim has ever inflicted on civilians." Black Jew and drunk Jew judges were also not impressed. The U.N. has declared Cowell's over-the-top remarks about her singing "disproportionate" and expect to pass a resolution condemning Israel.(IMAO Photo/Cadet Happy)

A Lebanese woman reacts to high gas prices. Because of the cost of gas, she is unable to afford driving away from Israeli bombing unless she were to use a hybrid - a type of car forbidden to Muslims for being "way too gay."(IMAO Photo/Cadet Happy)

A Lebanese woman reacts as she finds herself forced to marry Prince Humperdink in a crazy Jewish ceremony. The situation has been described by some as "inconceivable!" This is only further suffering for the woman as she yet again found her home destroyed - this time by an unknown six-fingered Israeli.(IMAO Photo/Cadet Happy)

A Lebanese woman reacts as she finds herself at gunpoint, the squinty Jew claiming he could take her head off with a single shot of his Model 29 Smith & Wesson. Unable to remember if six shots were fired or only five, the woman - not feeling particularly lucky after all the times her home has been destroyed by Israeli bombing - surrenders.(IMAO Photo/Cadet Happy)

STAY TUNED FOR THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF THE UNLUCKIEST LEBANESE WOMAN!

It's not the general election, but it's quite a feat to defeat an incumbent in a primary. You have to give it to Kos; after seeing how good he is at making Democrats lose in the previous campaigns he worked on, this time he set out to purposely cause a Democrat to lose, and now loyal Democrat Lieberman has lost his primary because of his alleged gay tryst with President Bush (also, there was a whisper campaign about Lieberman being in fact Jewish).

So, unfortunately, today will not be "National Laugh at Kos Day." Instead, we will just snigger at his gloating and the huge cluelessness behind it.

As for the anti-war millionaire primary winner not-Lieberman, he will now face Lieberman in the general election. If Lieberman wins, Kos will have effectively lost the Democrats one of the safest Senate seats they held. If Lamont wins, then Kos and his nutters will have spent all this time and energy just replacing one Democrat with another in an election year when Republicans were vulnerable. So, either way, the day after the general election will be "National Laugh at Kos Day."

Audio and video tapes of Mel Gibson's drunken driving arrest are exempt from the California Public Records Act and won't be released, authorities said, despite requests from a celebrity news Web site.

The Web site, TMZ, had asked Los Angeles County Sheriff Lee Baca for tapes of the incident in which Gibson uttered obscenity-laced, anti-Semitic comments. TMZ argued the tapes should be seen and heard by the public to assess whether Gibson received preferential treatment from the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department.

"The records you have requested are records of the investigation and part of the investigatory file in this matter," replied Gary P. Gross, principal deputy for the county counsel's office. That means they must remain sealed, Gross said.

That's rather sad, because I have it on good word that the tapes actually exonerate Mel Gibson.

How so?

Well, you see, the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department isn't all that swift when it comes to writing reports and taking down statements. Add in the fact that Mel Gibson has a pretty thick Aussie accent and he was legally drunk.

Not completely drunk. Just legally.

Ever try to understand an Australian who wasn't drunk? Might as well be from Mars for all it' worth.

Anyway, he's thought to have said: "F---king Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world."

But the what he really said was: "F---king Jews are responsible for War Of The Worlds."

You see, Mel Gibson is a huge fan of the original 1953 War Of The Worlds movie by George Pal and Cecil B. DeMille. And it broke his heart to see what Stephen Spielberg did with it in his 2005 remake.

As it did every cinema-loving American. That movie sucked.

So, who was responsible for that piece of crap? Well, it was directed by Stephen Spielberg.

Just in case you didn't know, Stephen Spielberg is Jewish. And so is Paula Kauffman Wagner, who was the executive producer on the project.

Two Jews. Responsible for War Of The Worlds. Which had been released on DVD the week of Mel Gibson's drunken driving incident.

Having given the last of her money to Lamont in a DailyKos fundraiser, a Lebanese woman reacts as Israel supporter Joe Lieberman announces his independent bid for the Senate. "Will we ever get rid of this Democrat Jew?" the woman exclaims.(IMAO Photo/Cadet Happy)

A Lebanese woman reacts to the largest panda cub born in captivity. The panda spent 34 hours in labor due to the stress of Israeli bombing. Reportedly, the mother panda can't wait until her baby is old enough to be a martyr.(IMAO Photo/Cadet Happy)

A Lebanese woman flees the shotgun of violent Israeli Jew Dick Cheney after she is mistaken for a trial lawyer. As the woman was unable to be reached for comment, the French surrendered on her behalf.(IMAO Photo/Cadet Happy)

To combat the stress of all the Israeli attacks, a Lebanese woman takes part in a U.N. funded aerobics class.(IMAO Photo/Cadet Happy)

STAY TUNED FOR THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF THE UNLUCKIEST LEBANESE WOMAN!

Having hidden in a cave to escape Israeli bombing, a Lebanese woman flees an ancient Jewish trap.(IMAO Photo/Cadet Happy)

A Lebanese woman reacts to the taunting of a chunky Israeli child who performs the hideous Jewish dance called the "Truffle-Shuffle."(IMAO Photo/Cadet Happy)

A Lebanese woman reacts as she is zapped with Jewish black magic known as the "Avada Kedavra". The U.N. has declared this an "Unforgivable Curse" and subtracted five points from Slytherin in a non-binding resolution.(IMAO Photo/Cadet Happy)

Mistakenly thinking herself safe in outer space, a Lebanese woman reacts as her space station is destroyed by an Israeli fighter raid. Though Israel was responding to the destruction of Alderan, most have considered their actions "disproportionate."(IMAO Photo/Cadet Happy)

STAY TUNED FOR THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF THE UNLUCKIEST LEBANESE WOMAN!

A Lebanese woman reacts at the destruction of the moon, having recently fled to earth's natural satellite in a vain hope to escape Israeli bombing. Where Israelis got the idea to use nuclear armaments against the moon is unknown.(AP Photo/Eedit Fotar)

A poor Lebanese woman laments her husband's (wearing red SKA t-shirt) impending goring and that of many other innocent civilians. The violence happened during a street rampage which ensued after the ILF (Israeli Livestock Force) released many angry blood-thirsty bulls to run in the streets of Beirut.

See, every time the software detects fraud, it has this bright flashing light and sirens that go:

"EEE-WOO! EEE-WOO!"

But the computer is in Reuters headquarters, so all day it's like:

"EEE-WOO! EEE-WOO!"

And editors are trying to come up with new euphuisms for terrorists while constantly in the background its:

"EEE-WOO! EEE-WOO!"

And people are writing captions to photos to make them reflect badly on Israel, but constantly in their ears was this:

"EEE-WOO! EEE-WOO!"

And others are trying to put not so subtle editorializing into the "news" wire, but there's always this:

"EEE-WOO! EEE-WOO!"

And, finally, they just got tired of thing. No one could think with all the:

"EEE-WOO! EEE-WOO!"

And it takes some thought to put your bias into "news" stories. So they disconnected the computer. Thus, the fraudulent photos got through. But, if they kept the computer connected, when, as soon as they tried to post those photos to news outlets, they would have heard:

When it comes to destroying buildings full of innocent lives, I recommend Israel stop using its military and start using methods that are more socially acceptable to the Middle East; such as ramming buildings with a hijacked airplanes full of screaming women and children. This would remind people of the Religion of Peace. This is good because the press loves the ROP. (Not to be confused with the GOP – which is evil)

This is not an easy decision for Israel, but it's fair to say that it’s running out of options. Threats are everywhere and a Jew isn't safe anymore. In Israel they face Hezbollah, in Seattle they face Christian converts who proclaim, "I'm a Muslim American..." just before unleashing death and mayhem, and here in California, a Jew can't go anywhere without being harassed by Mel Gibson.

Additionally, this strategy could help the Israelis start to get better press coverage, mostly because these new actions would make the press confuse the Jews with the Religion of Peace. I can just see that Press Conference with President Bush and Israel.

Israeli Spokesman: We did not bomb that bus full of Boy Scouts. We swear!! We have evidence that those bodies were dead before we dropped a bomb on it.

Helen Thomas: So what you're saying is that you have no regret over desecrating the bodies of young innocent boys?

Israeli Spokesman: (Getting desperate) that’s not what I meant at all.

These press conferences end badly. Mostly because – and these is simply a dramatic tool - Helen Thomas keeps a dead Lebanese baby in her purse. Bad press conferences would be a thing of the past if the Jews would simply change strategy.

Press Conference (Post ROP Strategy)

Helen Thomas: Why did you bomb that bus full of innocent Boy Scouts on their way to the Adopt a Homeless Puppy convention??

Israel Spokesman: We felt compelled to strike a blow at the infidels in the name of our God.

Helen Thomas: I want you to know that I respect your religion.

Another huge advantage to acting like the ROP is that nobody every blames them for ANYTHING! Even the stuff they demand credit for!!

On videotape:

Osama Bin Laden: Our organization is very bored. As a show of Muslim solidarity we have decided to burn France to the ground.

Television Reporter to Jacques Chirac as France burns to the ground: Who do you blame for these violent youths and their quest to burn France to the ground

Jacques Chirac. We blame America. And the Jews. But mostly Jewish Americans. And Poverty which is the root cause of all violence.

There you have it. Israel, if you're reading this, make sure that you post this idea at your country's web site. Don't forget to give that link to IMAO for helping you through a very trying time. We must remember to fight the enemy on all fronts. Israel - you keep fighting Hezbollah with all your might.

There just seems to be no end to the warring in the Middle East. Just a thought: But has any international organization thought of passing a non-binding resolution that there should be peace? If not, I think they should get working on it before anyone else dies.

IDEAS FOR WORDING IN THE RESOLUTION:

* It would be really nice if every didn't shoot each other.

* Or blow each other up.

* Or kidnap people.

* But, if for some reason someone does, it's no reason to get all miffed and retaliate.

* Also, it would really help if one side of this conflict stopped being Jews.

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to buy a pile of sales-tax-free - though horribly overpriced - Revolutionary-War-related souveniers as we tour New Hapshire. So let's get started...

New Hampshire became the 9th state on June 21st, 1788, it was originally founded by refugees from Massachusetts seeking to ensure that their descendants would never know the sick, shameful feeling of voting for Ted Kennedy.

New Hampshire's state tourism slogan is "Don't feel bad. We can't find us on a map, either".

While it was still just a colony, New Hampshire declared its independence from England 6 months before the the Declaration of Independence was signed - an embarrassing case of "premature emancipation".

Portsmouth, New Hampshire was the site of the signing of the treaty which officially ended the Russo-Japanese War in 1905, in which the Russians officially apologized for referring to the Japanese as "saki-swilling sushi-munchers".

New Hampshire's state motto is "We were really cool 230 years ago".

The first potato field in the US was planted in 1719, just outside of Londonderry, New Hampshire. No one planted the crop again for 50 years, when the Irishman-repelling scarecrow was finally developed.

Born in East Derry, New Hampshire, Alan B. Shepard Jr. was the first American to travel into space. After his historic feat, he spent 30 years in obscurity before finally turning up in an "Astronauts Gone Wild" video, performing lewd acts with moon rocks.

In 1833, the first free public library in the US was established in Peterborough, New Hampshire. The first book checked out was Nathaniel Limbaugh's "See, I Toldest Thou So".

New Hampshire instituted the first state lottery in 1963, which has been won every week for 43 years by Shirley Jackson.

The Cornish Hill Pottery Company of Wolfeboro, New Hampshire still makes their stoneware crafts in the traditional British fashion - glazed with the blood of the Irish.

In 1828, the first women's strike in the US took place when 400 mill girls walked out of the Dover Cotton Factory. They vowed not to return to work unless the sexual harrassment they were subjected to started including obnoxious foreplay.

The first alarm clock was invented in Concord, New Hampshire in 1787, and consisted of two tin cans, a piece of string, and a rooster.

Legendary orator Daniel Webster was born in Franklin, New Hampshire in 1782. It's said that his speeches were so persuasive that - were he alive today - he could talk John Kerry into taking a single position on an issue.

The first American coin was created by sculptor Augustus Saint-Gaudens of Cornish, New Hampshire. It had Washington's portrait on the front, and "America - F*** YEAH!" on the back.

President Franklin Pierce was born in Concord, New Hampshire. His only accomplishment in office was coining the phrase, "Can you smell what the Pierce is cookin'?"

The town of Merrimack, New Hampshire is home to the famous Clydesdales owned by the Anheuser-Busch Brewery. They require over 300 gallons of water per day to help them provide the secret ingredient that gives Budweiser its distinctive flavor.

The Budweiser frogs were also kept in Merrimac until they were dissected by the 8th grade Biology class.

New Hampshire's delegates were the first to vote for the Declaration of Independence on July 4th 1776, although due to a balloting error, several of them accidentally voted for Pat Buchanan.

New Hampshire has 10 counties, 13 municipalites, 221 towns, 22 unincoporated places, and one ring to rule them all.

Sarah Josepha Hale was born in 1830 in Newport New Hampshire, and was the author of the famous poem, "Mary Had a Little Lamb". She also penned the less-well-known follow-up poem, "Mary Had a Little Mint Jelly on the Side".

The state bird of New Hampshire is the Purple Finch, which - unlike some Finches - has no qualms about killing mockingbirds.

New Hampshire's state constitution was ratified in 1784, and is the second oldest one in the country. It's also the only one that specifically forbids fat chicks at nude beaches.

The Mount Washington Auto Road at Great Glenn, New Hampshire is the state's oldest man-made tourist attraction and annually draws more tourists than anything else in the state. Probably because it ends at a nude beach.

New Hampshire's legislature still meets in the original capitol building constructed in 1784. They expect to have the facilities upgraded about the same time that Microsoft upgrades Windows Solitaire.

Alexandria, New Hampshire, was the birthplace of Luther C. Ladd, the first man to lose his life in the Civil War, after uttering his famous last words "This pistol ain't loaded. Watch..."

The first motorized ascent of the Mount Washington Auto Road was by Freelan O. Stanley - inventor of the Staleny Steamer and nude beach afficianado.

Stonyfield Farm in Londonderry, New Hampshire, features a tour demostrating how yogurt is made. It also includes a free shower at the end so you can wash off that hippie smell.

New Hampshire did not officially adopt a state flag until 1909. Prior to that, they just had someone climb to the top of the flagpole and make cryptic gang-related hand-signals.

The granite profile "Old Man of the Mountain" - which collapsed in 2003 - was one of New Hampshire's most famous landmarks and appears on the New Hampshire state quarter. It was last visited by Luther C. Ladd IV, whose last words were "You're crazy! Nothing will happen if I throw a rock at that thing. Watch..."

---

That wraps up the New Hampshire edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be beaten up by burly Italian men in 3-piece suits as we scream promises to get them their money by this afternoon in New Jersey.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go take a drive down the Mount Washington Auto Road.
______________

Now, the other day, I was outside minding my own business and working on my house. Then comes some chap and he come up to me and he starts talking crazy fool things about Jews and the religious-right and that America is fascist and that our soldiers are the real terrorists. Don't remember the exact details about what he said - you all know the type of foolishness - but I do remember what happened next.

I hit that fool square in the head with my hammer.

Yep, hit him so hard the hammer done broke. Had to buy a new hammer... which put me out ten dollars. Now, this fool, as big as a fool as he was, he saw I had that hammer in my hand when he come speak to me, so he had to know what was gonna happen next.

So, plain fact is the hammer is broke and he's to blame.

I tell him this and say I want the ten dollars I had to pay to buy myself a new hammer of decent quality. He shakes his head "No." I ask him why he won't pay, but I don't understand the answer since he no longer speak so well. Anyway, I threaten to bring him to court to get my ten dollars, and that's what I ask your advice for. And that’s what I want: your advice. I’m not looking for sympathy here. Ten dollars won’t make me or break me, but I’ll sure be mad just the same to have to lose it to such foolishness.

Comedian and actor Dennis Miller is joining Fox News as a contributor to "Hannity & Colmes" this autumn, according to a network executive. Miller, who did a stint on "Hannity & Colmes" in 2003 and then had his own eponymous show on CNBC, will begin weighing in on news and politics beginning Sept. 13. He also will provide commentary on the Fox News Web site.

Will he bring Ellie The Chimp with him from CNBC, or will Sean Hannity just let him use Alan Colmes?

A rolling hunger strike is being put on by the Liberal Elites and Mother Moonbat. We on the Right (or those that simply think the rolling hunger strike is amazingly and supremely dumb) need to put up a response in kind. In other words, protest in an utterly meaningless and symbolic manner which will not overly inconvenience anyone involved. And it will mock them. Oh yes, it will mock them

Maybe you've deciphered the post title or maybe you haven't, but the thrust of this protest is this: We will hold our BREATH. More daring than a hunger strike? You bet Cindy Sheehan's expanding waistline it is! Why, it can takes weeks, WEEKS, to starve to death (though not the way they are doing it) but holding your breath will give way more immediate results (just, well, not the way we will do it).

We will hold our breath in turns until we get what we want. And what do we want? I'll tell you what we want.

We want, something. Furthermore we want, nay, DEMAND something to be DONE about... something. It doesn't really matter what it is, but something has to be done.

But we want it, oh brother do we want it, we demand it and WE ARE GOING TO HOLD OUR BREATH (in turn) TILL WE GET IT! Whatever IT happens to be.

Of course, we shouldn't hold our breath while we're sleeping (I can't be responsible for people with sleep apnea), so the hours between 10 PM and 8 AM Eastern time will not be included. But for the rest of the day, every day somebody on the right should be holding their breath.

While we're awake, we CAN hold our breath in turns for a minute apiece. I know we can do it. And when someone who is resposible for doing the aforementioned SOMETHING, sees us not breathing and yet not quite turning red, they'll bend to our wishes, whatever they are.

Sweeping social movements like this need a catchy title so how does The Rightwing Rolling Respiration Reduction, sound?

Shortened to "R4 - No O2!"

"We'll hold our breath till we get our way!
Even if it's just for a minute a day!"

A lot of people have suggested that perhaps the religion of Islam is at fault for all the terrorism, murder, and hatred that has come out of the Middle East. I think that's painting things with too broad a brush, though. Now, while Islam is a common theme among the terrorists and murderers in the Middle East, I noticed something else similar. Of all the terrorists willing to kill themselves to kill innocent civilians, of all the families that cheered when a female member was murdered by her own brother for being raped, and all those obsessed with death in the Middle East, they were all Muslims.

That's right; you can look it up. The problem with Islam seems to be Muslims. Now, I'm not sure in regards to the timeline if the rise of Islam in terrorism correlates directly to the increase of Muslims in the Islamic religion, but there certainly seems to be some correlation Islamic terrorism and Muslims that should be further investigated. Maybe it's time Islam purge itself of Muslims and start to regain some stature in the world.

About 200 Kiss fans protested in front of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum to demand that the band be inducted into the hall.

Fans, some from as far away as California, carried signs Saturday and had painted their faces in black-and-white to resemble Kiss band members.

Those participating in the half-hour demonstration were upset that the band, formed more than 30 years ago, has not been admitted, even though it has been eligible since the late 1990s.

If the selection committee caves in to this strong-arm tactic from militant groups like the Kiss Army, it's only a matter of time before The Al Jarreau Martyrs Brigade and the Yusuf Islam Jihad threaten their own terrorist actions against the museum.

Besides, what has Kiss really given to the world of Rock And Roll besides ludicrous makeup? You don't see Tammy Faye Bakker Messner being inducted into the Rock Hall Of Fame, do you?

We are sorry for the inconvenience and hope to prevent this from happening again in the future. Preliminary investigations have revealed that I had a blood-alcohol level of 0.12 at the time the photo was posted. Since it's common for people to photoshop pictures to further anti-Semitic ends when legally drunk, there are no plans to fire myself... despite this being yet another incident in a long series of ethical lapses.

Some 'Nick Jonson' did the posting, please check and delete it at the earliest. Sometimes we surprise how you are continuing with such spam posts for somany days!

Please delete the post, please don't provoke us to take any legal steps.

Awaiting for your earliest action.

Regards,Webmaster, [link]

Wha?! Legal action against what? Some guy was spamming my comments - apparently on their behalf - and they're going to sue me under... what statute? Sue me for having a link to them that I didn't even write? What the hell is this?

I mean, I could delete it, but I demand to be asked nicely. It's not like I like spam, but, as soon as it hits my website, it's my spam, and I can do with it as I please.

Before he was assigned to cover the Hezbollah-Israeli Conflict in Beirut by Reuters, it turns out that Adnan Hajj had been given another assignment long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away.

That's right. He had been assigned to cover Jabba the Hutt's palace on Tatooine.

Even though his word was masterful and captivating, Tatooine was outside of The Republic, so he didn't qualify for Pulitzer Prize nomination. Still, he received much praise for his undercover work in the Mos Eisley Cantina exploring Greedo's Jewish roots.

Everything was going great for him, until...

According to his personnel file at the Mos Eisley Bureau, Hajj was sent back to the office by Hutt frozen in carbonite, thawed out, and returned to Reuters Headquarters for reassignment.

Frank J.'s Disney World photograph shows blatant evidence of manipulation. Notice the repeating patterns in the smoke; this is almost certainly caused by using the Photoshop “clone” tool to add more smoke to the image. (Hat tip: LGF.)

It’s so incredibly obvious, it reminds me of the faked CBS memos. Smoke simply does not contain repeating symmetrical patterns like this, and you can see the repetition in both plumes of smoke. There’s really no question about it.

But it’s not only the plumes of smoke that were “enhanced.” There are also cloned buildings. (See below.)

Verdict: obvious fraud.

UPDATE at 8/6/06 12:11:am:

IMPORTANT!

The original for this faked photo has been discovered. And it was taken on July 26, 2006. (Hat tip: Spacemonkey, who took the picture on a night out on the town with Frank J.)

The Israeli campaign against Hezbollah has gotten out of control, and IMAO is here to show you what the Zionist-controlled media is trying to cover-up. You've seen the devestation done to Beirut (here and here), but what you don't know is that today Israel got so zealous with it bombing of Hezbollah that they overshot Lebanon and hit Orlando, Florida, smack in the center of the Magic Kingdom at Disney World. SarahK and I happened to be there today, and SarahK snapped this photo of me in front of the carnage:

You may wonder how I can remain so calm in the face of a small world becoming even smaller. Well, it's simple: it's because of my steely resolve to bring you the truth.

You may also wonder why I waited until now to post this photo. Well, it's just you have to connect the camera to the computer, upload the photo to the blog, and write the post... and I just wanted to play video games this weekend, ya know? Plus, SarahK kept making me clean. What did she think I got a wife for?

I'll post more information as I get it... or until the Zionists shut me down.

UPDATE:

Cadet Happy says this picture is a fake and has an animated GIF as "proof"; well, maybe I touched the photo up a bit... but that's all!

LTC Randolph C. White Jr. in his graduation speech at Ft. Benning, Georgia, says it as it is and has a few choice words for the latte-sipping, blame America first crowd. If only the President spoke like this; it's like one big verbal punch to a liberal's dumb monkey face. A must see from Blackfive.

Oh well. No time for the backspace key. Besides, I'm sure the original title will be accurate eventually.

Meanwhile, I figured I should get the guy a thoughtful gift, so as to curry his favor, allowing me to betray him after he accepts me into his confidence. Knowing how busy Glenn is what with his blogging, podcasting, book-pimping, hobo-murdering, etc., I thought I'd get him "Executive Decision-Making Dice".

Since the traditional gift for a fifth anniversary is wood, and I figure Glenn's too busy to throw TWO dice, I'm going to hand-make him a wooden 12-sider. It's a work in progress, but here's what I've got so far:

Not only am I responsible for all of the wars in the world (so says Mel Gibson), but I am responsible for all of the catblogging here. You'd think that FrankJ or SarahK or SpaceM or RightWD or the others would want the catblogging responsibility, but nooooooooooooo they want the war thing. Sheesh!

Anyway, it's time for Frisky the Clean:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Frisky is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

I've only been drunk twice. Last time, I accidentally doubleposted. I don't think I started ranting against the "jooos", but you'd have to ask the others in attendance.

I really wonder if drunken rants against the Jews will be enough to sink Mel Gibson's career. I wouldn't take any pleasure in Gibson's downfall, but it would be nice to know there's at least something one can do so horrible that the freaks in Hollywood would shun you (child molestation apparently isn't enough).

I most earnestly wish that dogs were not nearly as stupid as they are. I want them to speak and understand English. I want them to be learners. So we could have this conversation:

SARAHK: Rowdi, you were already sick.
ROWDI: I know Mommy. Now I'm sicker.
SARAHK: Rowdi, do you know why you're sick and sicker?
ROWDI: Because God hates dogs?
SARAHK: Possibly. You're sicker because you dug in the trash and ate something Mommy didn't give you.
ROWDI: Oh, that's what makes me sick? Eating stuff you don't give me?
SARAHK: Yes. Your stomach is the most sensitive stomach on the planet. It's your fault you're sick. Did you enjoy the ginger and soy sauce?
ROWDI: It was yummy.
SARAHK: Did you enjoy the wasabi?
ROWDI: It burned my tongue.
SARAHK: Was it all worth it? Knowing that you're sick because you ate it when Mommy didn't give it to you?
ROWDI:
SARAHK: Rowdi, do you understand that all this pain and suffering is because you ate the yummy food that Mommy didn't give you?
ROWDI: It was yummy.
SARAHK: Go to your room.

Looks like the IDF stole your whole "Nuke the moon for world peace" plan...

An Israeli warplane flies past the moon over the southern port city of Tyre. Israeli warplanes thundered over Beirut after a six-day lull in an onslaught that Lebanese officials say has killed more than 900 nationals and wounded over 3,000 others in three weeks.(AFP/Hassan Ammar)

Yeah, the whole "Beirut" thing is cover for flying to the moon and nuking it. Seems that just like Joe Scarborough steals Moxie's ideas, the IDF steals yours.

No idea how they did it though. I mean, you've kept the plan under wraps for how long?

Anyway, it caused a big controversy, and Lamont condemned the photo and said, "I don't know anything about the blogs. I'm not responsible for those. I have no comment on them."

Jeepers! I guess I better explain to him what a blog is.

This is a blog. We post stuff on it ("posting" means putting up bits of words and pictures). That crazy lady who follows you around all the time - Jane Hamsher - she's a blogger. She puts up words and pictures on the internet (sometimes racist pictures).

Also, the goober who was in that commercial with you and slobbered on your pants - he's a blogger too. He's actually the most popular left-wing blogger out there. I'm surprised he didn't mention why he was stalking you.

Actually, you may wonder why your campaign is so popular to a bunch of people who don't even live in Connecticut; it's because of blogs - namely left-wing ones. That's where your support has come from, so you may want to research that. Pretty soon they'll demand you to denounce all of America's military might, make you praise Hezbollah, and ask you to publicly eat your own feces to show your solidarity with them. If you don't, they'll jump on you and rip you apart with their teeth.

Yes, those left-wing bloggers are a nutty bunch, so you may want to look into this blog thing. Just ask anyone currently standing around you; they're probably one of these left-wing bloggers. Don't make any sudden movements, though; they scare easy and always lash out.

If you're wondering what right-wing bloggers do, well we just stand back and watch this freak show. It's fun! Thanks for the entertainment, BTW (shorthand for “by the way”).

Mr. KAG, or Kaggy as we call hiim, also did me and by extension you, the favor of compiling the carnival for the week immediately prior to that one since Miriam didn't even bother. He called it the Spare Carnival.

So a guard dog attacks a museum's teddy bear display, including destroying Elvis's teddy bear, and people are mad at the dog. Hey, you expect a guard dog to attack a real bear if it broke into the museum but not hurt teddy bears. How can the dog know the difference? He probably saw the display and assumed they were all under attack by a pack of tiny vicious bears and then did what any Doberman would in that situation: massacre the lot of them.

He should get a medal... or a biscuit. He'd probably like a biscuit better.

As more than 200 Denver- bound United Airlines passengers waited to board Flight 909 from Chicago on Monday, it became apparent that something was wrong.

The Boeing 777, parked at the gate at O'Hare International Airport, was extremely hot. As in 115 degrees. The plane's auxiliary power unit, which generates electricity when engines are shut down at the gate, was broken. That killed the air conditioning and triggered a five-hour ordeal for passengers and crew.

All other flights to Denver were booked. United tried to find a replacement plane, but none was available.

United officials had a dilemma: Figure out how to cool the plane in near 100-degree heat, then board the passengers and send them to Denver; or buy them hotel rooms in Chicago.

They chose the first option.

As the knight said in the third Indiana Jones movie, they chose poorly.

Now, this incident alone might make you think United Airlines was just a bunch of cold-hearted bastards looking to make q uick buck off of the suckers unlucky enough to have Priceline put their asses in United seats, but the truth is that every airline is running a passenger torture promotion of one sort of another:

Southwest Airlines has implemented a new policy, replacing beverage service with a punch in the face. Alcoholic beverages will be available for a slight fee, but they come with two punches in the face.

Delta Airlines runs a lottery on flights 2 hours or longer where the winner is stuffed into a bathroom with 100 live rats.

Continental still provides pillows and blankets. Of course, what's to stop them from smothering you with them in your sleep?

TWA hasn't actually resumed operations, but they will occasionally roll a plane up to a gate, take on passengers, and then run up and down the aisle with a baseball bat taking swings at anyone asking to deplane.

El Al's Complaints Department responds with "Without us, you'd be riding in boxcars to your deaths! Be grateful all we did was lose your luggage!"

"I smell it too, boy," Rumsfeld told the rottweiler. "That's the smell of war brewing. If things continue as they are in the Middle East, we will soon be in a new World War, and all our enemies will suffer. Then maybe I can complete my goal as Secretary of War and conquer all of Europe."

"What are you doing?!" Bush exclaimed.

Rumsfeld set down a nuclear warhead. "We're moving the nukes around in case of more war."

"Don't put them in the White House dining room! Laura will kill me!" Bush's cell phone rang. "It's Condi; I have to take this." He answered the phone. "What's up?"

"I can't stand it out here in the Middle East!"

"Well, there's lots of conflict now with Hezbollah and what not, so we need you out there... talking to people or something. Honestly, I don't know what the Secretary of State does; that's why I didn't get that job."

"I have to talk with all these Islamic idiots out here, that's what I have to do! And guess what: they don't like women. Not too fond of black people either."

"Just do your best to keep your temper and not try and stab one of them in the eye with a fork again."

"Well, it would help in the Democratic primary if you spoke out against me."

Bush was even more confused. "When did you become a Democrat?"

"I've always been a Democrat. Don't you remember me and Gore running against you in 2000?"

Bush thought for a moment. "What gored you in 2000?"

"Forget it. Just please publicly denounce me. It will be a big help."

"Whatever you say, Joe my buddy. Hey! I got an idea! I could say you molested my daughters!"

"Uh... how about something a little less extreme."

"Okay; whatever you want, Joe. You're my best friend in the Senate. Why, if I were gay and I could get the laws changed, I would marry you. I don't think my father and I would ever see eye to eye on it, but eventually..."

"What a nice fella." Bush turned to see Laura standing behind him, staring at him angrily.

"There are nukes all over the dining room!"

"It was Rumsfeld! Go yell at him!"

Laura glared at Bush until he began to cower. "Rumsfeld is old, crazy, and warmongering; you're supposed to keep an eye on him. I want you to personally put all those nukes back where they belong!"

"The linen closet?"

"No! The nuke bin in the garage! And move them soon; Rumsfeld's dog is chewing on one of them, and the radiation poisoning could cause him to vomit. Then there will be another thing for you to clean up."

"Okay." Bush headed back for the dining room. On his way, he caught sight of a TV.

"There has been another deadly attack in the Middle East leaving at least six injured," the anchorman said. "The suspect for the attack has been described as 'Bush's crazy black woman' and is said to be armed with some sort of eating utensil."

"How come I get the feeling this isn't going to reflect well on my administration," Bush muttered to himself. He then noticed a group of school children touring the White House. "Hey, I wonder if any of them want nukes?"

So Red Sox third baseman Mike Lowell goes on and on about how Castro killed members of his family, oppresses people, and is evil, but Lowell doesn't once mention Cuba's free healthcare. Come on; have some perspective!

Michelle Malkin has a post up about the muckadoos at Digg trying to censor her posts - either getting them banned from Digg entirely or working together to mark down any right-wing posts on Digg. Also, since submissions to Digg get comments, you get to see the return of vulgar slurs directed at Malkin! Yay!

I'm not sure this is a battle conservatives can win, as the battle will go to who has the most spare time to waste marking down post they don't like and comments that don't correspond with group think (comments with low rating get hid from most users). This is what I've come to expect from the moonbats on the internets, but it's still a bit disconcerting how many of them are so quick to jump on the censorship bandwagon without a second thought.

Still, since it involves reaching a larger audience and thus increasing my traffic and riches, I'm for fighting! I encourage all of you to join Digg and help me and Malkin and other conservatives (but especially me).

I've been very disappointed in what I've heard about Mel Gibson and his crazy ranting after being caught drunk driving. In retrospect, I guess it shouldn't be that surprising. You see, back when people were charging Gibson with being an anti-Semite when The Passion of the Christ came out, Gibson invited me over to his mansion. He, like many people, didn't want the poison pen of IMAO to turn against him, so he asked for a face to face with me to convince everyone he doesn't hate Jews.

We had a nice little chat, but then Mel Gibson got an important phone call and had to excuse himself for a few minutes. While waiting for him to get back, I noticed he had a parrot in a cage sitting nearby. Bored, I turned to the parrot and said, "Hello!"

Gibson stroked his chin. "That certainly is an odd thing for a parrot to say."

I took a sip of the Tropical Punch Kool-Aid Mr. Gibson was nice enough to have his wife make me (he certainly had an odd nickname for her – "sugar" something or other - but that's neither here nor there). "By my understanding of parrots, either Himmler is finally verbalizing some deep seated hatred that has been simmering in him for years, or, more likely, he's just rote repeating something he's heard many times."

"That is troubling," Gibson said. "I should watch more carefully what Himmler is exposed to, as that is certainly something I've never said."

"I'm Mel Gibson and I hate the Jews!" Himmler squawked.

I pointed an accusing finger at Mr. Gibson. "So where would he have heard that?"

"You see!" Gibson yelled. "I've never, ever said 'Awk!' I'll tell you what this is: The Jews must have planted this parrot here to make me look bad. @#$%ing Jews!"

"@#$%ing Jews!" Himmler repeated.

Gibson pointed to the parrot. "See! He agrees with me!"

That all seemed a sane enough explanation, so I didn't write anything about Mel Gibson being an anti-Semite at the time. But, looking back on it all, I'm beginning to wonder if that parrot learned those phrases because Mel Gibson was saying them.

Lesson learned: If you express things in the privacy of your own home you don't want the general public to know, don't own a parrot.

I believe it's important to tolerate people who are different than ourselves. That's why I am disappointed in Hollywood's reaction to the Mel Gibson arrest. In My Humble Opinion, there is no place in this world for this trend that I'm seeing: AntiSemitoPhobia.

Why must we have this AntiSemitoPhobia? Why must we hate people because they are "different"?

Mel Gibson is an Anti-Semite? So what if he Prefers the Company Of Christians?

For those of you who haven't heard – Actor/Director Mel Gibson was arrested for driving drunk. While in the squad car, he went on a long IownthistownwhodoyouthinkyouarethedamnJewscontroleverything
heyyouaren'tJewishareyouyoudon'tlookJewishmylifeisover type of rant. This is acknowledged by everyone, except for Mel's father who is a Jewish Slur Denier.

Hollywood then responded by taking away film projects. They did this under the old "you haven't given us a script in two years so it's not really a movie" excuse. Some people blame Anti-Semitism. Personally, I blame the Jews.

Hollywood, you should learn to not be so judgmental. Acceptance of all belief systems without judgement is The Way.

At a recent Anti-Semite Pride Parade, some Anti-Semites offered this opinion: "Maybe people who are AntiSemitoPhobic are afraid that they themselves are just a little bit Anti-Semite."

So please have a heart, Hollywood. If you can accept the wife beaters, wife killers, child molesters, gerbil lovers, gays, lesbians, transsexuals, undecideds, party animals, party sluts, coke addicts, alcoholics, gold-diggers, casting couch sleepers, Oprah couch jumpers, and washed up singers who troll for gay sex in the public park – then maybe you could find a little place in your heart for someone who doesn't always like Jews.

I just noticed this when reading a post on Malkin's site about the Seattle shooter:

He bought two handguns, waited 10 days to get them, and picked them up just the day before the shooting, police say.

Wow, that waiting period sure worked out great. So how many days does it take to cool off from Jew-hatred?

BTW, the Malkin post is about how the shooter had supposedly converted to Christianity. There is some evidence that he was not a practicing Christian at the time of the shooting, though. For one, he was shooting random people; this is frowned upon by the teachings of Christianity. Second, he said, "I am a Muslim American, angry at Israel" - not a very common phrase for Christians.

It will be cool if Fidel Castro dies in time for my upcoming three-day weekend; then SarahK and I can head down to Miami for the big celebration. Whenever he finally keels over, I will smoke a cigar for the occasion no matter what SarahK says (though it will probably be done quietly on the back porch).

Still, it feels like such a shame that Castro gets to die from some horrible ailment rather than our hands. I mean, we've had this Communist country right next to us for so long, and we've never killed the blasted dictator (not to mention his American sympathizers). We could practically snipe the guy from Key West, and yet he's lived this long.

Back in the day, the CIA had plans for assassinating Castro, some of which they tried. Here is the most comprehensive list I have of them, as moot as they may soon be:

CIA PLANS FOR ASSASSINATING CASTRO

* Exploding Cigar: This was the obvious one: get Castro to smoke an exploding Cigar. He takes a couple puffs while surveying the misery he's caused to his country, and BOOM! There goes his head! Ha! It's funny because he wouldn't expect it! Unfortunately, he stopped smoking cigars for health reasons... health reasons of not wanting to smoke one of the exploding cigars the CIA left for him!

* Special Delivery: The plan was to send Castro a couple of boxes labeled "Bananas" (Castro loves his bananas). When Castro opened the crates, out would jump giant gorillas trained to tear the limbs off anyone who has a beard. Animal rights got wind of this plan and protested gorillas being locked in a crate for so long. This caused the program to be shut down. No one knows what happened to the gorillas or the limbs of the animal rights protestors.

* Exploding Celebrities: One habit Castro never quit was shaking hands with vapid celebrities who think the murderous Communist dictator is such a great guy. CIA planned to put a bomb on one of these celebrities that would go off when Castro shook his or her hand. This would be easy to do secretly since these celebrities are so vapid. A court ruled that the CIA wasn't allowed to blow up vapid celebrities, though, and the implications of that ruling have haunted us to this day.

* Disappearing Beard: There was a plan to get a chemical on Castro that would cause his beard to fall off as he gave a speech. Then mobs of angry Cubans would beat him to death for being a phony. Unbeknownst to anyone at the time, something else fell off instead allowing many puns using his name "Castro".

* Exploding Elian: If we couldn't have Elian Gonzales, it was decided no one could. Thus a bomb was made to put on little Elian. When inevitably Castro would have a big public greeting of Elian before sending him off for reeducation, Elian would explode, taking out Castro with him. It seemed like an honorable end to that controversy, but then Attorney General Janet Reno nixed the plan - not because she was against blowing up children (she ate them on a regular basis) but because she was afraid it would make America look vindictive. Well, we are vindictive, you Brobdingnagian she-male!

* Just Shoot the Bastard: He was always appearing at the U.N. giving speeches, so why not just shoot him? It's not like the U.N. could do anything about it, the impotent nit-wits. John Bolton was planning to do this next time he saw Castro, but now he may never get the chance. His mighty 'stache is now wet with tears of opportunity lost.

Well, when Castro dies, I just hope we won't have to put up with his ugly mug on t-shirts. And then maybe the Communist regime will fall and Cubans can take regular boats over here instead of risking their lives on rafts to escape Commie Cuba's glorious "free healthcare".

The second issue of Jim Baen's Universe is now up on the site. In this issue, they actually have a Dune short story from Frank Herbert's son (plus tons of other stuff). Check out the preview and think of signing up. A good SF short story magazine really helps new writers like me get my foot in the door.

BTW, I forgot to mention I replaced my phone with a PocketPC (which I currently am using to listen to music). With the MS Reader, I now have a number of novels (plus Jim Baen's Universe) with me at all times. For someone like me who has trouble finding time to read, that really helps.

As for my short story submission, I probably won't hear about that for another month or two. If they buy it (and I know a couple editors already like it) then it should be cool to see it in the magazine with illustrations. I could do my own illustrations, but my "Hat Means Frank J." style of drawing is often considered too stylistic for the mainstream.

Also on the subject of me writing, I hope to begin rewriting Hellbender with a full novel in mind soon. You'll probably get to see some chapters from it as that develops.

There's a sign near a ravine at a golf course I played with an Asian friend that said, "Caution, dangerous slope."

We spent the next two holes debating whether it would be funnier to complain to management in mock indignation, or hide in the ravine and surprise the next foursome with some belligerent actions.

I'm glad this particular friend was with us, since the rest of us wouldn't have dared "go there" if he wasn't. I probably would have acted like I didn't get the joke.

I know a number of people from college who probably would have loved to steal that sign for his dorm room door (or jokingly put it on the door of another Asian; those Chinese and Koreans on my floor freshman year were hurling slurs at each other all year).

IMAO has just found out that the ailing Fidel Castro was found dead with five bullets in his face. Our anonymous source with the CIA confirmed that it was in fact a CIA hit, the CIA deciding they better finally assassinate Fidel now or they'd never get a chance to.