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Or something like that. That headline certainly makes as much sense as this deranged PC-rant from National Progressive Radio by way of the ancient leftist publication The Nation: “Why the Far Right Hates Soccer,” by Dave Zirin. Just when you think the lunatic fringe can’t get any nuttier, along comes this:

Every World Cup, it arrives like clockwork. As sure as the ultimate soccer spectacle brings guaranteed adrenaline and agony to fans across the United States, it also drives the right-wing noise machine utterly insane.

“It doesn’t matter how you try to sell it to us,” yipped the Prom King of new right, Glenn Beck. “It doesn’t matter how many celebrities you get, it doesn’t matter how many bars open early, it doesn’t matter how many beer commercials they run, we don’t want the World Cup, we don’t like the World Cup, we don’t like soccer, we want nothing to do with it.”

That darn right-wing noise machine, upset over a little thing like lethal soccer riots! But you know — you just know — it goes deeper than that, and we all have a sense of where this is heading, don’t we:

Dear Lord, where do we begin? First of all, I always find it amusing when folks like Beck say, “We don’t like soccer” when it is by far the most popular youth sport in the United States. It’s like saying, “You know what else American kids hate? Ice cream!” Young people love soccer not because of some kind of commie-nazi plot conjured by Saul Alinsky to sap us of our precious juices, but because it’s – heaven forefend – fun.

Among adults, the sport is also growing because people from Latin America, Africa, and the West Indies have brought their love of the beautiful game to an increasingly multicultural United States. As sports journalist Simon Kuper wrote very adroitly in his book Soccer Against the Enemy, “When we say Americans don’t play soccer we are thinking of the big white people who live in the suburbs. Tens of millions of Hispanic Americans [and other nationalities] do play, and watch and read about soccer.” In other words, Beck rejects soccer because his idealized “real America” – in all its monochromatic glory – rejects it as well. To be clear, I know a lot of folks who can’t stand soccer. It’s simply a matter of taste. But for Beck it’s a lot more than, “Gee. It’s kind of boring.” Instead it’s, “Look out whitey! Felipe Melo’s gonna get your mama!”

And there you have it: you hate soccer because you’re a racist.

Isn’t time to red-card the left for their constant yammering about imaginary racism? We’ve been hearing from the multi-culti left that soccer is the popular youth sport in America for more than three decades — big deal: it’s cheap and basically nobody gets hurt playing it — and yet that alleged popularity has never translated into meaningful audiences as the professional level. Even the vaunted World Cup — talk about a hotbed of nationalism and nativism! — draws mostly yawns on these shores.

Further, Zirin’s argument that American resistance to soccer is racist in origin is just plain stupid: international football is traditionally dominated by the European powerhouses — Germany, Italy, Holland, France, England — and the Brazilians and Argentines. When plucky little Cameroon does better than expected the world cheers. Mostly, though, the charming Third World teams are ground to powder under the mechanized onslaught of the Teutons or the agile ball-handling (so to speak — what kind of stupid game doesn’t let you use your hands?) of the South Americans.

The far left should hate baseball. One reason..... NO SALARY CAP!!!!!! Purely capitalistic in how owners spend their money.

I feel that once a black fella has referred to white foks as "honky paleface devil white-trash cracker redneck Caspers," he's abdicated the right to get upset about the "N" word. But that's just me. -- Jim Goad

Americans aren't very interested in soccer because they see it as a kid's game (like softball, volleyball, etc.) and because we have football, baseball, basketball, and hockey. Most soccer-playing cultures focus primarily on soccer. We don't have that kind of time what with the Super Bowl, filling out our brackets for March Madness, getting drunk at twilight baseball games, and making dip for the Stanley Cup.

My observation based on absolutely no evidence whatsoever is that conservatives love games that are about a "star individual" (even if that is a coach on the sidelines), and liberals love games where teamwork completely overshadows stardom.

I didn't know it was political. I just thought that I hate baseball because it's so incredibly boring.

At least one team has to score more runs than the other in baseball. There are no tie games like in soccer. A zero to zero game is beyond incredibly boring.

The dumb shits blowing those horns at the World Cup would cause me to leave the stadium. Between the retards blowing horns and the soccer fans rioting, I think I will pick baseball as our national sport even when games at times do get boring. Shame we do not have anyone like Dizzy Dean colorful commentary to perk up the game.

My observation based on absolutely no evidence whatsoever is that conservatives love games that are about a "star individual" (even if that is a coach on the sidelines), and liberals love games where teamwork completely overshadows stardom.

Maybe it's a metaphor for capitalism/socialism.

While my father and I were huge Cowboy fans (Texas, Duh!) We were always fans of players not teams. I love to watch peyton manning play. Steve Smith. Randy Moss.