A blog about being asexual in a sex – saturated world

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Sexual orientation and sexual preference are often talked about as different concepts. Sexual orientation is often defined as an innate attraction to people. People argue that it’s not a choice. However, sexual preference is often seen by both the gay and straight community as a choice. Don’t they generally go hand – in – hand. People who are straight most often prefer to have sexual relations with the opposite sex and the opposite for gay people? Of course, the group that this “sexual orientation = innate/ sexual preference = choice” argument would likely apply to people who are bisexual or those who, for one reason or another don’t fit the gay/ straight pidgeon holes.

Then again, are people who are bisexual or other orientation less likely to fall for people spontaneously? Do they deliberately think, ‘hmmmm, I’m going to fall for a woman today’? I doubt it. I have argued on here before that people should ALWAYS exercise choice in whether they have sex and with whom. But that is different to who you’re attracted to or (in the context of bisexuals and bi – romantics), how strongly you are attracted to a certain gender. Again, the main choice is if and how someone acts on those attractions. That applies to all orientations, including people who are asexual.

I suppose it may apply to people who bi – curious when they originally identify as straight (or gay). But then again, what about the biological and neurological processes that would take place? Are they simply a matter of choice? I remember back in high school (Year Ten onwards), no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t for the life of me experience attracted to others. No matter what I did, the thought of even dating guys made me uncomfortable (no offence to men out there). Sex has pretty much always been foreign to me. Did I “choose to be so indifferent to sex? I don’t think so. In fact, I would argue that at times I wish I felt the opposite. I wish I could get my act together, become straight and be “normal”. So my “preference sexually is ‘none’ because that’s how I’m oriented.

What do others think? Do you think sexual orientation and sexual preference go hand – in a- hand and are the same or different?

Last night, I watched the end of American Pie: Book of love. Basically, the plot line is three young guys, Rob, Marshall and Kevin find a book called “The Book of Love” (a.k.a “The Bible”), written by Mr. Leaven stein in their high school’s library. Rob, Kevin and Marshall are desperate to lose their virginities and finally get in contact with Levenstein. Anyway, to cut a long story short, with a number of misadventures and mistakes, the boys learn that they have to respect the the girls they want, including respecting boundaries that are put in place by the women.

What I found refreshing about this film, among all the smut, was that sexism and the objectifying of women was actually frowned upon by the end of the film. The guys were eventually admonished, to treat the women they are interested in.

To me, that is a great message to tell young people. Also another great message from the film is that people should stand their ground with a potential partner and have that respected or the relationship, frankly, isn’t worth it.

This film has a great message for young men and women. For people of any orientation, you have a right to be heard and a right to put boundaries to be put in place and have them respected. For the American Pie team, I say, kudos to you!

I’m quite an active member of various Asexuality groups on Facebook. Technically, I’ve signed up to AVEN (Asexual Visibility and Education Network), but haven’t logged on for ages because I can’t for the life of me remember my username or password (guess I’ve got too many, lol).

The groups on Facebook are generally great. It allows members to ask questions and get answers and find themselves out. It’s also great to see the various views on certain topics too, such as children, marriage, etc. Discrimination and demonising non – asexuals is condemned by Admins of the groups and people who continuously do it, or harass anyone are banned. It’s also great for people who aren’t asexual, but who may have an asexual partner/ spouse to get a better understanding of how they may feel and how to deal with any issues and gain insight into their partners’ feelings.

It’s great to know that your not alone, especially if you live in an area where there is practically no discussion on the complexities of sexuality and asexuality in particular. People have expressed relief that, in fact, they are not alone in their lack of attraction and that they are OK the way they are. For me personally, what I’ve found great is to discover that asexuality is just a part of a person and, the way in which people experience their sexuality is unique and that’s fine. It’s not about being in a clique or trying to fit a certain stereotype. It’s about being who you are and learning to be OK with that.

I had a bit of a discussion on here (on WordPress, not on this blog), about whether sexuality is fluid or whether most people, especially women, are bisexual to some degree. Even though I respect the argument that sexuality doesn’t change (and for a lot of people, it may not) , I still can’t help but think that sometimes sexuality isn’t necessarily static.

The thought of most people being bisexual to a certain degree got me thinking about where does that leave asexual people in regard to romantic orientation? Are most asexual people at least partly bi – romantic? If so, where does that leave people who are aromantic? Are they all at least slightly grey – romantic?

Maybe there isn’t necessarily a one – size – fits – all answer. Maybe sexuality is just much more complex than we like to admit.

Last night, I watched a TV show that I used to watch almost religiously, but haven’t really watched the last year or two; Glee. What I used to live about the show was the topic of self acceptance really hit me. It almost made me glad that I am who I am, even before I knew for sure I was asexual.

i did realise last night that sex is a prominent theme in the show. Frankly, I even thought that last night’s episode should’ve been rated M rather than just PG. It didn’t offend me, it was just surprising how far I thought they went.

My favourite episode of all time is probably the Lady Gaga episode when Fynn (played by the late Corey Monteith), and Kurt were about to become step brothers It bought tears to my eyes the first time I saw it.

The theme of self acceptance really hits me. I’d be lying if I said I was completely there, but I’m getting there, I think.

Last Tuesday, ( I think), on the SBS show “The Feed” , asexuality was talked about. It’s great to hear about it being talked about! Legendary blogger and archaeology/ ancient history student Jo Qualmann (I hope I spelt that right) was the interviewee. She did really good. I have one tid bit of a criticism, bit too brief. This is NOT the fault of Jo, I understand that.

It’s getting out there! Slowly but surely. Next, I’d love for romantic orientation to be talked about more and a broad representation of what being an asexual means. Did anyone else see “The Feed”? What did you think?

I may have written about this before, so I apologise if you have read something similar. So is it a choice?

There is no conclusive answer to what causes someone’s sexual orientation., however, I have heard that epigenetics and is formed by early childhood (about three or five). There have also been suggestions about brain structure plays a part.

I know now my science is pretty basic, but I know one thing, I didn’t choose to be asexual. I really didn’t. Frankly, sometimes I have wished that I wasn’t (I’m fine now).

Of course, you have the choice on whom and if you have a sexual relationship with a person, but that isn’t what sexual orientation is primarily about. It’s pattern of attraction, usually, both sexual and romantic. Do people have choice about these? I frankly think no. Not for the most part anyway.

I’m curious, what do you people think? Anyone know any updated studies on the topic?