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13 October 2010

Last night I said these words to my girl: "Why do you never even try the Notes From The News?"

Good afternoon! It's a beautiful day in the big city, sunny and mild and just all around lovely. Getting today's entry in early since I have things to do later, including taking my train-obsessed toddler to the grocery store with me and explaining once again that unfortunately no, it's not time to go on the train. And then I'll try not to melt at the utterly heartbroken look on his face. Poor little guy. But lucky you, it is time for some newsnotes -- all aboard!

I'd rather die than give you control, dept.: Trent Reznor says that Facebook sucks and that Mark Zuckerberg is a weeny with a whafro. Well, no. Actually Trent makes a fairly cogent (and horribly transcribed) argument as to why Facebook isn't very good and that Zuckerberg is just a lucky bugger who happened to be in the right place at the right time, but the effect is the same. Read the poorly spelled and edited article here.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go on an overnight drunk. dept.: If someone talked Wes Anderson into directing a commercial for Stella Artois beer, what do you think the result would be? If you guessed "like everything else Wes Anderson has ever done, only 30 seconds long," you'd be absolutely correct. Now sing me a Bowie song in Portuguese.

Lightning Thief in a bottle, dept.: Hyperion is releasing a graphic novel adaptation of the first Percy Jackson book today, as the entertainment industry continues to leave no stone unturned in its quest to wring every drop of cash out of every piece of intellectual property that exists. Someone would find a way to adapt the cave paintings at Lascaux if they thought they could turn a dime on it.

"This is insanity, Max." "Or maybe it's genius." dept.: Darren Aronofsky, who is becoming the kind of guy that gives "mercurial" a bad name, is now apparently in talks with Fox to direct the Wolverine 2 property. The only way this could get any weirder is if they fire Hugh Jackman and hire me to take his place.

My signals turn from green to red, dept.: This just in -- if you're a so called "hard core hip hop band" from Orange County and your new song is called "Traffic Jam 101," it is not a stroke of genius to promote yourselves by parking a huge truck across two lanes of Highway 101 and actually blockingtrafficwhile you perform for commuters. Especially not when your driver jumps out of the truck with the keys in his pocket and leaves in another car. You know what it is, though? It's the ACT OF A BUNCH OF HOPELESS DOUCHEWAFFLES.

Whistle while you negotiate the back end of the deal, dept.: Okay, so see if you can follow me on this: Relativity Media is financing a lot of stuff at Universal Pictures these days, but it's also producing its own movies. So Relativity acquired the rights to a hot script called The Brothers Grimm: Snow White and was all stiff like Biff to produce it, only to find that Universal had also acquired a hot script lately called Snow White and the Huntsman, which they were fast tracking. It's now come to a battle of wills and neither side is backing down. But some point we will either see the Brothers Grimm version get filmed, possibly with Tarsem in the director's chair, or the Huntsman script will start lensing with some dude I've never heard of before who directs commercials taking a seat behind the camera. And it's still possible that both of these movies will cancel each other out and neither one will get made -- which will be awesome for Disney, because they're developing Snow White and the Seven, which will recast the seven dwarves as -- I shit you not -- Shaolin monks. Okay, did you follow all that? You did? Good. Will you explain it to me then please? because this shit is confusing.

Today in who gives a fuck, dept.: E! is going to air a "reality" show based around "rock and roll wives," because living with guys like Perry Farrell and Duff McKagan is surely -- surely! -- an accurate reflection of reality; Dina Lohan isblaming the L. A. Police, apparently for tying her down and forcing her to party hearty with her trainwreck of a daughter; and David "the human skid mark" Arquette is so torn up and heartbroken about separating from Courteney Cox that he's calling Howard Stern (like you do) and describing their sex life together as "methodical" -- yeah, that's gonna win her bony ass back, Dave. Good job slugger.

AZIZ! LIGHT! dept.: Luc Besson will, according to an interview he recently gave, soon be directing a new science fiction film that will be "The Fifth Element to the power 10." Apparently he was inspired by James Cameron's work on some rinky-dink little b-movie nobody's heard of called Avatar or something. Given that Besson hardly directs at all any more, this has an equal chance of being either a multi-pass or a meat popsicle, reference reference reference, YOU LAUGH NOW.

Yippie-ki-yay muddafugga, dept: Bruce Willis, who has to be the most likable guy in Hollywood because of his steadfast refusal to take anything in Hollywood seriously, least of all himself, sat down with Zach Gallifanakinakinakinakinakinaki -- *hits computer* -- sorry, Galifianakis -- for the "Between Two Ferns" bit that's been such a big deal on teh internettytubes lately. Willis looks like he's having a ton of fun with it. Of course, the other week he was wearing a steak toupee, so it could be he's just out of his fuckin' mind.

Speaking of which, now is the time on Nighthawk Postcards when we fart in your general direction: