5 (more) characters you meet in a TAB

Here are 5 more characters that inhabit the weird and wonderful place known as the TAB.

1. The Crippler

You've spent hours doing the form and have meticulously crafted your quaddie to the exact percentage. Enter The Crippler.Just as you are about to hit 'submit' The Crippler sidles up alongside and questions whether you have included the toppy in the second leg, the mudder in the third, and the resuming stayer in the last. The Crippler mounts a convincing case so you throw in all three and cripple the percentage on your ticket in the hope that one of the inclusions injects some value into the quaddie. All three produce sweet bugger-all and you end up getting a paltry 18% instead of your original 40%. The day you ignore The Crippler's counsel is the day his Stanaway-trained roughie salutes at 100-1.

2. The Politician

It's impossible to get a straight answer out of The Politician. Even a question as simple as "what are you backing in the next?" is met with a rambling sermon that leaves you with more questions than answers.

You: "I remember you talking about that winner this morning. Did you back it?"The Politician: "I've got the two going in the next for a handy collect and if the eight runs a drum in race five I'll get a bit back too."You: "Yeah but did you back that winner?"The Politician: "Couple of crumbs but it's not really a win because my bet in race two finished 4th and the first four paid unders and Newitt is now leading the Jockey Challenge..."You: (Zones out)

3. The Executioner

Feeding information to The Executioner is like using a brick to mop the kitchen floor - there is no absorption whatsoever. After you land the second leg of the quaddie, The Executioner asks "what have you got going in the next?" at least five times before the race jumps. Despite repeatedly telling him your numbers The Executioner asks "are you alive?" as soon as the $21-pop that you don't have crosses the line in front."No I'm not alive Executioner. You're job here is done."

4. The Tagger

Also referred to as The Pest, this particular individual is near-impossible to shake. He has elite lung capacity (never shuts up) and is by your side at almost every stoppage (placing a bet, watching a race, reading the form sheets...). Generally The Tagger is a lone wolf but it's not uncommon to see a few individuals performing a similar role in different parts of the TAB. Identifying The Tagger early in your TAB experience is important and avoiding eye contact is a must. Initial engagement with The Tagger can mean you're in for long day of hearing about unlucky losing bets, how they know various trainers, absurd betting strategies, and a host of racing and non-racing related conspiracy theories.

The Tagger has a foolproof Trackside system and you're going to hear about it whether you like or not.

5. The Cheerleader

A full-brother to The Yelling Machine. The Cheerleader's antics unfortunately do not make their horses run any quicker. Classic Cheerleader moves include fake whipping, the "psssssttt" sound effect, and repeated short and sharp bursts of "keep going" and "come on". The Cheerleader has been known to stick his neck out in a tight photo as well as attempting to move the winning post by tilting his head to one side. The Cheerleader generally takes defeat better than The Yelling Machine.