I’m part of a Facebook group called Hot Young Widows Club. You don’t have to be hot or young or even a woman to be part of the group. The only requirement is that your partner is dead. But the name sets the tone for the type of group: it’s full of attitude and sass and zero fucks. It’s the most supportive grief group I’ve found.

Earlier, a fellow hot, young widow posted about March being kidney cancer awareness month. I didn’t know this existed. Maybe I should have - because of my own diagnosis, I am aware that blood cancers have their own month and lymphoma has a special color cancer ribbon. It only makes sense that kidney cancer would get its own month and special color ribbon too (I looked it up - it’s orange). But I didn’t know. And because of that, my initial feeling was one of guilt. Am I a bad cancer widow for the total lack of awareness I have about kidney cancer awareness month? The disease that stole my love and my whole fucking future and I don’t know anything about it?

Should I be more aware?

But after the guilt subsided, anger set in. I may not be aware about kidney cancer awareness month, but I am certainly aware about kidney cancer. That I am fucking aware of.

I'm aware it’s a sneaky cancer that doesn’t let itself known until it’s too late. I'm aware that the “lucky” ones who discover it early, usually discover it on accident. I'm aware that for the rest of the people (the “unlucky” ones), it is so fucking aggressive and awful that right when you settle in to fight, the fight is over. I'm aware it has the ability to - in an instant - swoop in and steal the life of the person you love most in the world, taking your life along with it.

I'm aware that we were too busy fighting it to advocate for it. Too busy fighting for a future, any future, to worry about awareness and ribbons. And I'm aware that with late stage kidney cancer, chances are, it’s going to be a shorter fight than you want.

I am also aware that the people who are AWARE of cancer awareness month are the people still living. The fighters. The survivors.

But stage 4 kidney cancer doesn’t leave a lot of survivors. It leaves a lot of widows. That I am aware of too.

So what is the point of kidney cancer awareness month? What exactly are we trying to be aware of? What kidney cancer looks like? What it feels like? Usually nothing. It looks and feels like nothing. And it’s because of this lack of awareness in the body, that it is so often undetected until the cancer has metastasized and it’s too late.

I am aware.

How about what kidney cancer does? Should we be aware of that? Because I can tell you about that too.

I am aware that kidney cancer silently attacks your body. Every day, quietly wrecking havoc on your system. For years. So by the time you are aware, it’s too late. And then it quickly - so fucking quickly - destroys you. It will spread to all your organs. It will cause life threatening blood clots and strokes. It will eat away at your bones. It will take your energy. And your vision. And you ability to sleep. And your appetite. And your ability to move. And if you’ve made it this far, it will eventually fuck with your mind. And finally, when it’s taken everything else, it will take your heart and with it, your very last breath.

I am aware.

With stage 4 kidney cancer, I am aware there is no cure. No treatment that provides any real hope (although you’ll hear the story of the one guy who is 6 years in and doing well or the person who miraculously cured her stage 4 cancer and I am aware that you’ll grip and hold hope to these examples with every bone in your body). But in most cases it’s a fucked up disease that will drop a bomb on you and obliterate everything and everyone in its path.

Typically the purpose of cancer awareness month is to bring awareness to symptoms to look out for for early detection. For some cancers that’s a lump. For others it’s fevers and night sweats. These symptoms can be detected early and can often times be the difference in life and death. But what about late stage kidney cancer? What then? Be aware of the indiscernible, silent thing growing inside you? The mass that shows no symptoms and you will not physically feel until it’s metastasized and spread all over your body? Be aware of that?

There’s no early detection. There’s no early screening. Even the American Cancer Society says, “There are no recommended screening tests for kidney cancer in people who are not at increased risk. This is because no test has been shown to lower the overall risk of dying from kidney cancer.”

And because they can’t give you any concrete actions to make you aware, they recommend eating your fruits and veggies and getting sleep and working out and reducing stress and not smoking and all the other preventative shit we all know.

I am aware.

And it all feels like a bunch of bullshit.

Instead of a month of awareness, how about just be aware? Be aware of your life and live. Live so fucking hard. Chase passion and excitement and love and adventure. Be compassionate and kind. Take risks. Fail.

Live a life so full and so aware that when you are taking your final breaths, you aren’t thinking about all the things you should have done. Instead you are replaying all the moments you chose to fully live.