Backhanded Compliments and Sugarcoated Hostility

Is there someone in your life who consistently makes you feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster? Do you know a person who is friendly one day but sulks and withdraws the next? Does a family member or friend consistently procrastinate, postpone, stall, and shut down any emotionally-laden conversations? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, chances are you may be interacting with a passive aggressive person.

Passive aggression is a deliberate and masked way of expressing covert feelings of anger (Long, Long & Whitson, 2008). It involves a range of behaviors designed to get back at another person without him recognizing the underlying anger. These ten common passive aggressive phrases can serve as an early-warning system for you, helping you recognize hidden hostility when it is being directed your way:

1. "I'm Not Mad."Denying feelings of anger is classic passive aggressive behavior. Rather than being upfront and honest when questioned about his feelings, the passive aggressive person insists, "I'm not mad" even when he is seething on the inside.

2. "Fine." "Whatever."Sulking and withdrawing from arguments are primary strategies of the passive aggressive person. Since passive aggression is motivated by a person's belief that expressing anger directly will only make his life worse (Long, Long & Whitson, 2008), the passive aggressive person uses phrases like "Fine" and "Whatever" to express anger indirectly and to shut down direct, emotionally honest communication.

3. "I'm Coming!"Passive aggressive persons are known for verbally complying with a request, but behaviorally delaying its completion. If whenever you ask your child to clean his room, he cheerfully says, "Okay, I'm coming," but then fails to show up to complete the chore, chances are he is practicing the fine passive aggressive art of temporary compliance.

4. "I Didn't Know You Meant Now."

On a related note, passive aggressive persons are master procrastinators. While all of us like to put off unpleasant tasks from time to time, people with passive aggressive personalities rely on procrastination as a way of frustrating others and/or getting out of certain chores without having to directly refuse them.

5. "You Just Want Everything to be Perfect."

When procrastination is not an option, a more sophisticated passive aggressive strategy is to carry out tasks in a timely, but unacceptable manner. For example:

• A student hands in sloppy homework• A husband prepares a well-done steak for his wife, though he knows she prefers to eat steak rare• An employee dramatically overspends his budget on an important project

In all of these instances, the passive aggressive person complies with a particular request, but carries it out in an intentionally inefficient way. When confronted, he defends his work, counter-accusing others of having rigid or perfectionist standards.

6. "I Thought You Knew."Sometimes, the perfect passive aggressive crime has to do with omission. Passive aggressive persons may express their anger covertly by choosing not to share information when it could prevent a problem. By claiming ignorance, the person defends his inaction, while taking pleasure in his foe's trouble and anguish.

7. "Sure, I'd be Happy To."Have you ever been in a customer service situation where a seemingly concerned clerk or super-polite phone operator assures you that your problem will be solved. On the surface, the representative is cooperative, but beware of his angry smile; behind the scenes, he is filing your request in the trash and stamping your paperwork with "DENY."

8. "You've Done so Well for Someone with Your Education Level."The backhanded compliment is the ultimate socially acceptable means by which the passive aggressive person insults you to your core. If anyone has ever told you, "Don't worry-you can still get braces even at your age" or "There are a lot of men out there who like plump women," chances are you know how much "joy" a passive aggressive compliment can bring.

9. "I Was Only Joking"Like backhanded compliments, sarcasm is a common tool of a passive aggressive person who expresses his hostility aloud, but in socially acceptable, indirect ways. If you show that you are offended by biting, passive aggressive sarcasm, the hostile joke teller plays up his role as victim, asking, "Can't you take a joke?"

10. "Why Are You Getting So Upset?"The passive aggressive person is a master at maintaining his calm and feigning shock when others, worn down by his indirect hostility, blow up in ager. In fact, he takes pleasure out of setting others up to lose their cool and then questioning their "overreactions."

First, great article. I enjoyed the examples because quite often I have come across these individuals and they can be quite frustrating. I do have some beef with the article, and its because it seems like its only talking about men. All I see is "he", "his" but no reference to the female gender at all. Im my experience almost all these examples are used by females especially the first two! I feel that this great article has a biased tinge to it.

I thought that was rather odd too considering that 90% of the females I have encountered in my life take a sick pleasure of making backhanded complements (especially in the South--good GOD!!). This is why most of my friends are male or tomboys and I limit contact with female family members who display these traits--I don't have to deal with that and I want to live a drama free life.

OMG! I'm in the same place! My fiance is from the south and he and his mother take turns being the passive aggressive one. He was brought up around it so he doesn't even realize he's doing it which can make things hard. I thought it was just their family dynamic, I didn't realize it was a common trait lol.

I'm exactly like you, I have few female friends and the ones I do have come from families like mine who have a passive aggressive parent.

I've had people say "I'm sorry you feel that way" to me too. There have been a few times when I've responded to this with "I'm sorry that it is that way." But that just gets me a patronizing look that says, "Gee, I'm sorry that you're so delusional." So now I usually just shake my head at this nonpology, which is just enough to let them know that I know that they're not actually apologizing. Once in a while, if I've been pushed too far, I might still say "I'm sorry that it IS that way," but it doesn't accomplish anything.

I've had trouble in the past trying to convince people that no, really, honestly, I don't care, I'd genuinely rather you pick something than give you my input. I'm a very passive person and I'm not troubled by that in most situations. But I get mistaken for Passive Aggressive when I'm just trying to be passive.

The most textbook example was a time my friends and I were hanging out trying to decide what to do. Everyone but me wanted to play video games, which I"m not good at but enjoy watching. And it took 10 or 15 minutes to convince them that no, seriously, I would SO MUCH RATHER watch you play than waste another hour trying to come up with another activity.

I cringe inwardly whenever I hear this. The person saying it obviously knows that what she is about to say will upset me, and she is asking me to give up my right to feel what I need to feel (and can't help feeling) about it. When I do get upset, she will then say, "Gee, I can't say anything without you getting upset" and then tell me that I need to stop being so oversensitive. I've learned to stop this from happening by answering this initial question with "Sure, there are lots of things that you can say without me getting upset, but there are also some things you might say that would be upsetting to me. And the fact that you're asking this tells me that you know that you are about to say something hurtful to me." This stops them cold. They are often taken aback by my frankness. By the way, I say "she" because everyone who has ever said this to me has always been a woman.

I really love your website.. Great colors & theme. Did you create this site yourself? Please reply back as I’m looking to create my own personal website and would love to learn where you got this from or just what the theme is called. Many thanks!

I grew up in the south and moved to Chicago in my early 20s. ThIs was 18 years ago.

I am not sure if it's just the sign of the times or Chicago culture but I find myself having to say, " I'm not mad " for fear of being labeled as unhinged. I will follow it with, "I am frustrated but not mad. Let's work through this and find a solution."

Not sure if it's a tactic I developed out of fear of resolving conflicts and failing. Chicago is odd. Some emotions are more acceptable than others and not by all races.

For example, if your Hispanic, don't get angry, don't speak up, don't talk back. Especially around African Americans or European Americans. If you're African American being angry is expected. So is being snarky. European Americans, though, prefer zero emotions, especially those from former eastern bloc countries.

It's the nature of this diversity segregated community. That being said, I have lost jobs or friends simply by acknowledging that I may be angry. I don't have to show it. Merely acknowledge it. Even trying to resolve conflicts have been challenging. Sometimes my peers who may be Mexican American will recommend keeping quiet. ThIs is in white collar sector and even when at Uni.

In Texas I could speak my mind and it was a quality people embraced and enjoyed. Perhaps culture has a lot to do with it, eh? Thoughts anyone?

I don't know about the Chicago area much. My husband grew up with the most severe passive aggressive mother on the earth. He has a lot of patience and finesse in dealing with people and their issues. I have no patience with game playing people! That being said, my husband is very diplomatic and careful with his words (mostly at work) but even in dealing with his family. Unless you are with a good friend or trusted family member, it is best to be on the restrained side since there are varying degrees of people's culture that a direct style of communication would not be well received.

I laughed about the mother comment. My mom had no desire to stay her tongue. At all. I always said she's like 'Mrs Cleaver with a sailor's tongue'. No drink, baking cookies, and cussing at every little thing or mistake you made. Lol.

I appreciate the 'game playing' comment so much. When I first moved to Chicago it stood out more - now it's just a way of life. I always saw it as people talking out of both sides of the mouth - each time talking out of on side of that side depending on if its day or night. Genuineness and sincerity were something I used to try to teach others. I gave up about a decade ago.

There is some benefit to the repression of emotions. As you pointed out, diplomacy, especially in government or private sector jobs is a huge benefit. In some ways, expression of negative emotions can be, at times, demoralizing. It also catches on like wildfire.

I don't know about the Chicago area much. My husband grew up with the most severe passive aggressive mother on the earth. He has a lot of patience and finesse in dealing with people and their issues. I have no patience with game playing people! That being said, my husband is very diplomatic and careful with his words (mostly at work) but even in dealing with his family. Unless you are with a good friend or trusted family member, it is best to be on the restrained side since there are varying degrees of people's culture that a direct style of communication would not be well received.