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As a physician, I am constantly asked about death. Most people who come to visit me are only concerned about one thing; are they going to die? A few years ago, I started trying to ease their fears and anxiety by reminding them that even though they will, in fact, be dead one day, it will likely be the result of heart disease or cancer or something fairly common. That didn’t seem to help. So I began to describe to them other, horrific ways in which it was possible for a person to meet their demise. By describing some very real, yet highly unlikely scenarios, it became clear it was a soothing experience for my patience. Considering all the horrible, painful and incredibly sad ways in which a person could die and then realizing how unlikely it was to happen to them seemed to make them feel better.

Since then, I have gone on to develop a series of circumstance and scenarios that have become part of every patient visit over the last two years. I am thrilled to share it with you now in a series of vignettes. I hope it brings you as much comfort as it has to my many patients.

#1 CABBAGE HEAD REPLACEMENT

A farmer could hunt you down and drive a pitchfork through your spleen. He could then drag you to his barn where he would reveal a small hatchet and a head of cabbage. He would remove your head from your body with a bone saw and then set your head on a bale of hay so that you could watch in horror as he placed the cabbage on top of your neck where your head used to be. Then he would draw a face on it and kiss it on the cheek. And the whole time all you could do is watch helplessly because at that point all you would be is a head without a body. Eventually, you would die of old age in the same barn because he would have never moved you or anything and he would have taken your cabbage-head body inside his home to live with him. You would just sit on a bale of hay for the next 38 years until you died.

Following his failed bid to win the presidency, Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney announced today he would continue to pursue his other life-long goal of becoming a successful stand-up comedian. According to Romney staffers, the republican presidential nominee managed to fit in a handful of shows at open-mic nights at several comedy clubs around the country during his rigorous campaign.

“He’s got about ten solid minutes of material right now, a little more if you count some of the prop comedy he’s been experimenting with,” says one staffer who wished to remain anonymous.

Romney also announced plans for a ten-city comedy tour tentatively titled “The Mitt Romedy Funny Festival”. That tour is slated to kick-off in Boston next week at “Big Keith’s Comedy Club.”

“Stand-up comedy is in my blood,” said Romney. “I’m excited about this next chapter in my life. Get it? Next chapter! And that was right off the top of my head. I can make up shit like that all day.”

Allen Larkin, an assistant manager at “Laughie’s” comedy club in Fort Lauderdale witnessed one of Romney’s impromptu shows last month while the former governor was on his campaign tour.

“He was nervous at first,” Larkin said of Romney’s show. “He started to relax a bit as it went on, especially when he pulled out some of his props, particularly his large novelty sunglasses.”

One anonymous staffer provided a brief description of the show, including notes taken directly from Romney’s “joke folder”;

– “So, my yacht breaks down in the middle of the Caribbean a few years ago and I’m like, “What the fuck am I going to do now? Then I’m like “duh, Mitt, you have a goddam helicopter on the back of the boat!” I tell you, sometimes I can forget shit.”

– “Sometimes life if just fucking crazy. One of my butlers is this dude named Cheevo. Nice guy but I swear to God his breath smells like shit. Like he ate food from a can or some shit.”

– “Do you ever think about words that are just weird to say out loud? Like, “biscuit”. Seriously, say it out loud. It doesn’t even make sense. I mean, what does it mean? It fucking blows my mind that there are words out there like that.”

– “What’s the deal with poor people? I’m talking about REALLY poor people. Like, so poor they have a time-share private plane! Really? Have some fucking pride people.”

– The staffer also mentioned Romney did a bit with a large, oversized pair of novelty sunglasses that went as follows:

Romney puts on sunglasses and then says “It’s still me, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney. I just put on a pair of giant sunglasses.” Romney then takes off the glasses and studies them for what seemed like several minutes, completely silent the entire time. Romney then added; “Aren’t these the funniest things ever? I mean your head would have to be at least three or four times larger than it is now for these to fit properly. Can you imagine what that would look like? That kind of shit blows my mind.”