Taking kids' parties too far?

Maria Guido

Has anyone else noticed how intricate children’s birthday parties have become? My toddler doesn’t even really have friends yet, and I’m already a little stressed out about my future role as event planner. Gone are the days of parties that consisted of balloons, streamers and store-bought cake. Our ever-increasing quest for parental perfection has made throwing a party for a child a huge endeavor – one that is stressing us all out.

A recent study in the Journal of Consumer Culturereveals that mums are shifting from outsourcing elements of their children’s birthday parties to making everything from scratch. This isn’t necessarily a new idea – my mum did something similar when we were kids. The difference is, Do-It-Yourself used to be something parents did to save money. Now, it appears DIY is turning into a litmus by which we judge who the best mothers are.

Sites like Instagram and Pinterest have placed a magnifying glass over the competitive element that sometimes exists between mothers.

“As the marketplace increasingly provides goods and services to support mothers and parenting, the extent to which this is acceptable is a source of anxiety for the enactment of ‘good’ mothering in some social groups. The maternal visibility that birthday parties demand adds further strain.”

Translation – if you’re outsourcing all of the elements of your child’s birthday party instead of making everything yourself, you’re a crap mum. And if you do decide to put a DIY party together for your child, it better be Pinterest-worthy, lest you be judged. Anyone who has spent any amount of time on a birthday party Pinterest boardknows that living up to these expectations is not an easy feat.

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When did being a Martha Stewart clone become synonymous with motherhood? When I decided to be a mother, no one told me I would basically have to be a food stylist and interior decorator to pull off a successful party for my child. While I understand the point of this study has a lot to do with pushing back against consumerism, I refuse to believe that the ability to execute amazing DIY projects and parties makes someone a better parent.

When I was a child, birthday parties for children consisted of some streamers, party hats and a store-bought cake. There may or may not have been bags full of dollar store goodies that mums put together to send home with the little guests. I don’t recall days of preparation being involved. When did parties for our kids turn into another way for mums to stress out, yearn for perfection and think they are not doing it right?

“The findings show that mothers could publicly demonstrate their intimate knowledge and care for their child by personalising the birthday party through the gift of their time and effort to create a ‘homemade’ event.”

That is actually a beautiful idea, only our ever-increasing need to document and display everything we do has forced the pendulum to swing completely in the other direction. Instead of truly rebelling against the consumerism of children’s parties, now we’re over-exerting ourselves in addition to overspending. Sites like Instagram and Pinterest have placed a magnifying glass over the competitive element that sometimes exists between mothers. It’s no longer who’s spending the most – but who has the best ideas and who can execute them expertly.

I’m pretty sure my child has no concept of how much effort goes into one of these “homemade” events, nor does he care. Children – who are known to jump up and down with glee when they receive a plastic Happy Meal toy – couldn't care less whether we do it all ourselves or outsource every, last detail.

I’ll be the first to admit that I can’t pull one of these parties off. My child will be three in the fall and I have every intention of visiting a party store, purchasing matching Elmo plates, napkins and streamers and calling it a day. The thing is; these items will thrill him. The un-Pinerest-worthy cake I intend to bake will also thrill him. He just wants to blow out candles – whether they sit atop a tower of homemade French macaroons or a poorly executed box cake is totally inconsequential to him.

It’s important to remember the images that are convincing us we all need to be crafty dynamos are basically just the highlight reels of people’s lives. No one “pins” the cake they just burnt or the party favors that look like garbage. Nobody’s perfect – and whether you outsource every last element of your child’s party or craft everything yourself – the most important detail is that you are truly present to enjoy your child’s joy.

What do you think about the DIY kids' party perfection culture? Unnecessary stress or a legitimate way to express your love for your child?

13 comments so far

I could not agree more! Kids' parties seem to have become all about days of stress, cooking and baking! Then there's the exhaustion on the actual day of the party. A good friend recently decided not to have a party for her daughter's 3rd birthday, because she was heavily pregnant. Instead she decided to have her daughter's best friend, and his parents and brother and 2 of her close friends over for a casual dinner and birthday cake. We all had a fantastic time, and her daughter loved all her presents and had a great birthday. It was the most sensible thing in parenting I have seen in years! I also recently overheard a Mum saying to another Mum that she was not going to have a party for her son's first birthday because 1st birthdays are for Mums, not the child. I could not have said it better myself!

Commenter

Nikki75

Location

Date and time

September 03, 2013, 11:40AM

I think you're making this all up, or if you're not, you need new friends. NO ONE I know or have every overheard, or heard of through the grape vine HAS EVER passed comment on a birthday party. Maybe I just know people with better manners? "it appears DIY is turning into a litmus by which we judge who the best mothers are." If journalists stopped writing about this, it would all just disappear. Judge who the best mothers are?!? Based on a DIY birthday party? "perfection culture"? If the pictures on Pinterest have this effect on you, you should stop looking. If someone makes a fancy cake, good luck to them. I don't think it's right, fair or even socially acceptable to openly carry on as if they did it to big note themselves and show that they are better than you. I assume they did it because they like to make fancy cakes. My brother makes fancy cakes. Is he trying to be a better father? I don't mean to sound hard, but perhaps people who have these feelings of aggravation because someone made a fancy cake for their child might look at themselves instead of the annoying other mother. This is called "keeping up with the Joneses" or "worrying about what the neighbours will think". You really don't have to think like this, Maria. No one's watching you, or if they are, that's their problem. Just have fun! It's a party, after all.

Commenter

BC

Location

Date and time

September 03, 2013, 12:04PM

I'm "one of those" parents. My eldest is 5 and over this half decade my party-making has evolved to full Martha Stewart.

You should see my cakes - they're spectacular! I even hand make the fondant. This year I had ribbon chandeliers, paper-mache toadstools, and I hand made flowers and fairy wands out of recycled soft drink and milk bottles. I hand made really really cute food - meringues, marshmallows, cake pops. It was awesome!

But you know - so what? Why does what I choose to do matter to anyone else? I do it cause it's fun and I get a sense of pride at the finished results. The kids love it, and they help make the cakes and decorations, so it's a bit of a family effort and our little tradition.

We've also been to parties at fast food joints, or no-fuss home do's with practically everything store bought, and the kids all had a great time.

Stop with all the endless analysis. Do what you want, but if some of us like to make an effort (and it is an effort - I'll do an all nighter to finish a cake!) don't get all bitchy about it. So what if we share the results in pintrest? Marvel at our accomplishments, but don't feel threatened by it. None of us Martha Stewart mums are judging you - we're too tired, or too busy planning our next fantastic creation!

Commenter

Boobytrapped

Location

Blue Mountains

Date and time

September 03, 2013, 1:13PM

I agree Boobytraopped. I love making the effort and if other people don't like it, suit yourself. I went all out for my son's first birthday to make a Thomas Tank engine cake, and it was worth the effort. Because my son loved it, and I was happy to make it. It's called pride. Not a boasting sort of pride, just pride in what I'd achieved. I didn't need other peoples' praise, just the smile on my son's face was my pride and joy. On the other hand, if you want to make a box cake, go ahead. But don't bag the mums who genuinely want to make the effort.

Commenter

kedpaz

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Date and time

September 03, 2013, 4:35PM

Go for it, Boobytrapped, and enjoy! I love to see other people's creative efforts!

Commenter

BC

Location

Date and time

September 03, 2013, 5:00PM

I'm with you, Boobytrapped. I'm a creative person. I like doing creative things. I know my kids would be just as happy with a box of Cheezels left open but that's not the point. You choose how you feel and how you react to thing - if you get upset because another mum goes all out for her kids birthday party then that's your problem.

Commenter

katie

Location

elwood

Date and time

September 04, 2013, 9:05AM

Kid's parties are supposed to be for kids to enjoy not for Mum to keep up with the Jonses. Western society is far too obsessed with "keeping up" and having everything bigger and better than others.If somebody has the time and patience to create a Taj Mahal of a cake good on them, it will meet the same fate as an iced sponge from the supermarket.

Commenter

Charmaine

Location

China

Date and time

September 03, 2013, 4:01PM

I agree with boobytrapped, nobody is really watching. Make an absurd effort if you want, or don't go so hard. The kids don't care either way. I went beserk last month on my kids themed birthday party, with home made everything, and hand sewn soft toys for all the kids. I was so proud I pinterested the results. But I've had years where I posted it in with party centres, or store bought everything. I don't judge myself for my efforts, or lack of efforts, and I don't judge others for theirs. I've been to incredibly lavish parties, and wonderfully simple ones. In the end it's just nice if your kid gets invited to a a few parties really.

Commenter

anniepie

Location

Date and time

September 03, 2013, 9:14PM

I walk into another parents house to take my daughter to a party and this is what I see

House completely spotless, finger food that looks like it has been made by the winner of master chef, balloons in matching pink, purple and yellow placed neatly around the room.

Eggs ready for the egg race, sacks died to match the balloons for the sack race.

The cake is a fairy cake complete with palace.

Do you think I want to invite that mother to my house? Do you think I'm likely to say yes for a play date over to my house with her daughter?

No.

Being to fanantical about your appearance and not relaxing can be off putting to people.

Commenter

MG

Location

Date and time

September 04, 2013, 6:41AM

You would have got that impression if you'd come to my last party, but it would be seriously unfounded. I make a massive effort for special occasions - they are "special" after all, but most of the time my house doesn't even qualify as disorganised chaos. In fact right now I'm sitting at a bench cluttered with fruit peels, strawberry ends, dirty plates, toys - oh look - and a pair of my son's underpants. Sometimes for play-dates I will organise crafts, mostly the kids are lucky if we don't play "fold the washing" or "find the floor". Don't judge the seemingly "perfect" mums - and don't for a second imagine they're judging you. You'll feel better without that imagined stress.

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