Scenes From One Dad’s Foxhole

Quick summary on Thanksgiving. So everybody knows that the Pilgrims left England in search of religious liberty. Two months later they arrived, signed the Mayflower Compact and quickly proceeded to starve and get sick. About a year after they landed they celebrated, with their Indian neighbors, what we’re all taught was the first Thanksgiving celebration in America. Conveniently left out is the fact that their collectivist plan nearly led to their complete starvation.

Regardless, in 1863 Abe Lincoln was the first to name the last Thursday in November as a day of Thanksgiving in America. Then in 1941 Congress and FDR permanently established the fourth Thursday in November as a national holiday. Interestingly enough FDR tried to move Thanksgiving from Lincoln’s designated day to earlier to give the country an economic boost. It would seem liberals need to control the economy extends to changing national holidays.

Top Three Reasons Turkey Day Rocks:

#3 – Liberals hate it. They haven’t declared war on it like they have with Christmas, but they still hate Thanksgiving. They keep trying to convince America that we’re celebrating the advent of the extermination of the Indians by white Europeans. But nobody cares. Mainly because of reasons 1 and 2 but also because listening to hyper negative America haters is just tiresome. Especially when those purveyors of guilt are wealthy self indulgent morons.
#2 – Carbs. Every single type of potato is served. Every form a potato can take is displayed. Every carb know to man is mixed and cooked into stuffing. And those potatoes and that stuffing end up covered in butter and gravy. Then you use crescent rolls to mop your plate in an attempt to consume any carb remnants that evaded your mouth. Finally…somebody rolls out the pumpkin pie..sugar and carbs baked together into an irresistible pan of gastronomic pleasure…
#1 – The entire day is scheduled around football. Its really just a formalized tailgate party. Football and the entire Thanksgiving Weekend are inexorably intertwined. Like Kid Rock and fringe coats. Even if you hate football and the American values it embodies, you can’t avoid it on Thanksgiving. It’s like trying to watch TV in December without stumbling across Home Alone. Americans love Thanksgiving. You get a short work week, leftover turkey and the beginning of Christmas!

This year we’re going to Mom’s aunt’s house. Mom’s mom, hereafter known as Grandma, detailed the relish tray to us. I took this as an indictment upon our ability to cook and prepare anything within the Thanksgiving food genre. I mean isn’t being assigned the relish tray kinda like being picked last in kickball? At least she said Mom can bring her Famous Deviled Eggs. But the reaction to Mom’s suggestion that she bring an apple pie was met with the kind of swift and fierce response not seen since the Red Army bludgeoned the German 6th Army in November of ’42. Grandma evidently doesn’t want any competition when its comes to apple pies. Anyway, here’s the email she sent us earlier this week:

I will make your dip for your veggies if you will also make deviled eggs.

We are only having 15-16 people so make your veggies and eggs accordingly.

I am going to Candace’s by 11 a.m. but dinner will not be until 12:30 or 1. We will have your veggies and a cranberry cracker appetizer ahead.

Love you,

Mom

Here’s the response I sent last night.

Got it. We’ll leave early and get to your house so you have plenty of time to put Mom to work in the slave mill known as your kitchen. We’ll unload our stuff and we’ll get to dinner with plenty of time to spare.

Oh and we decided against bringing a relish tray. Hope that doesn’t monkey wrench the pre-dinner fiesta. Instead we’re whipping up four different types of gravy to fill the four-piece gravy boat set I got as a gag gift last Christmas. Probably go with a traditional gravy assuming we don’t screw it up. But I’m not sure our relish tray skills translate. Then we’re going with a vegetarian gravy with sage, soy sauce, flax seed and nutritional yeast. Never hurts to have a healthy option around. And then we have a nice ethic Polish gravy that I’ve had my eye for years. It’s really just smoked kielbasa and sauerkraut that you dump on top of potato stuffed pierogi’s. Last one is really up for grabs. The girls want us to go with a chocolate theme and with all that left over Halloween candy we’re thinking this might be a good option.

Hope that’s okay.

Even though I’ve been giving Grandma a hard time for almost a decade and a-half, its still fun. For me anyway…

Here’s a quick summary of what’s happened since the last time I blogged.

We had an election. It went well. Did anyone else have this reaction to election night?

American Voter, just when I think you can’t get any dumber…you go and totally redeem yourself! Nice job America. Congressional Democrats, just when I think you can’t any dumber…you go and rehire Nancy Pelosi. Generally speaking, when millions of Americans kick you in the teeth, you might want to pay attention.

The Patriots beat the Steelers. I hate the Patriots. It’s a good steady hate. Not the infuriating hatred I have for the Cornhuskers and their condescending fans or the seething hatred I had for the Raiders when I was kid, but a good hate nonetheless. I’m pretty sure this is the reason.

Get a haircut Hollywood.

But that’s all neither here nor there. Whatever that is supposed to mean.

I’m listening to a lot more top 40 music now that Rye is in 5th grade. We listen to the daily top 5 every Thursday at 7:00 when she’s done with dance. A couple quick questions:

Does anybody else get a Vincent Price in Thriller vibe when you hear Snoop Dog in Katy Perry’s California Girls?

Am I the only one who thinks Ke$ha is just a 2010 version of Samatha Fox?

Or that you could take any Rhianna song and replace all the lyrics by saying “Rhianna” over and over and it would sound exactly the same?

Club Can’t Handle Me has definitely cracked the “Top Three Songs I Want to Hear on the Radio Driving Home on Friday Afternoon.” It’s right up there with Working for the Weekend and Gettin’ Better.

And Nike got the new uniform contract for NFL teams and plans to continue their war on history and tradition by forcing fans to watch their teams play in their Pro Combat Uniforms. Have you seen these? Now, I’m not adverse to a uniform change but that’s not a uniform. It’s a leotard. If the Bengals were performing a dance number, it would be perfect. On a football field the only positive I can think of is that opponents may need varying doses of medication to stop the migraines and blindness caused by anyone actually engaging in movement while wearing these things.