Early Morning Feeling…

The finals are here. The finals are here. The finals are here. The finals are here…and what am I doing?

I’m blogging at 4 in the morning of course.

I don’t know. It seemed like a pretty good idea anyway. Considering I don’t know what feels worse. The fact that I’ve spent the whole day alone listening to mellow soulful songs or the fact that I’ve been trying not to go into a complete panic about my finals. In any case…the results are the same.

I know my body will pay for this.

You can’t take continuously punishment for one thing and expect to get away lightly with it. I know ulcers are starting to form in my stomach. I know my blood cholesterol just shot through the roof. I know the migranes are distracting. I know my chest feels like a spring loaded switchblade trying to force itself open. But I doubt that there is much that I can do about it anyway. Being under this much pressure and finding no way to let it all out.

Its unfair that it has to be this way.

There was a time when I would have put down my notes and just talked about life as a whole. The likes, the dislikes, the future, the past, the days, the feelings. It would all just come out and it would all just come in. That freedom to smile because you know you don’t have to bear the burden or wonder if the words were real. You could see it for yourself that there is a form to the reason you let yourself go.

That there is a reason to close your eyes and lie down knowing everything will be alright.

But when you realise you’ve been letting hot water beat down your head in the shower for the past 30 minutes with your eyes closed…you know it’s going to take more than echoes of words and smiles to keep on moving. Sometimes all you need is a hand to hold you tight in the night.

But most of the time all you got is your own fist on the wall.

If you could stand where I’m standing now. I don’t know. Could you keep doing what I’m doing? Could you keep pushing yourself without anything to fall back on? Could you stand and force a smile with when your body feels like it’s going to implode and dissolve under the pain that shouldn’t be there in the first place?