Elaan of Troyius

Captain's Log: We're on a diplomatic mission, and having picked up the annoying guy, we're off to pick up the spoiled brat.

Spock: From my experience the Elasians are arrogant and self-obsessed.McCoy: From my experience the Elasian women are really something....Kirk: I've had no experience, but with that last comment, rest assured I will have by episode's end.

Petri: So here's the story. I'm here to teach Elaan not to be such a b--Kirk: ahem...Petri: ...such a brat, so she can marry our ruler. Got it?Kirk: Sure.

Petri: Here, have the most expensive treasures of our royal family.Elaan: I don't like them. And I don't like you. And I don't like these quarters.Kirk: I believe I can respond to each of those statements with "make do."Elaan: But I don't like--Kirk: Shut up.

Spock: I'm picking up a sensor ghost.Kirk: Finally, irrefutable proof of the supernatural!Spock: I'm thinking more along the lines of a cloaked ship.Kirk: Aw.

Elaan: Do we not have freedom of the ship?Kirk: No, and you don't have the freedom to insult us either.Elaan: Why, you insolent pigs!Kirk: Hey now, what did I just say about insulting?

Kirk: You're a spoiled little girl that deserves a spanking!Elaan: You can teach me nothing.Kirk: Do you know what a spanking is?Elaan: No...Kirk: Then it appears I can teach you something. Let's go.

Uhura: (over the comm) Captain, there's a message being sent from within the ship!Kirk: Er, I'm rather busy now, can it wait?Uhura: I said there's a message being sent from within the ship. That's somewhat important, you realize.Kirk: Oh, very well.

Scotty: He managed to kill a redshirt and send a message to the Klingons.Kirk: Oh no, anything but a message to the Klingons!Kriton: Yep, and now I'm going to kill myself so you don't find out what it was about.Kirk: You must know that this wouldn't be much of an episode without us finding everything out in the end.Kriton: Meh, I'm not one to fall back on my word. GAK!

Elaan: Yeah, he must've sold out to the Klingons in some kinda love vendetta. Now let's get back to that spanking.Kirk: But there's a Klingon ship out there, and we have orders!Elaan: Could you forget what happened between us?Kirk: Are you kidding? I do it every week. But in the interest of keeping with character...Spock: Wait Jim!Kirk: No, I can explain!McCoy: Don't bother, you're suffering from HarryKiminitis. You're gonna feel funny when you're away from Elaan.Kirk: But "The Disease" was based on this episode. Shouldn't he have JimKirkinitis?McCoy: Maybe, but we're not fiving that episode now, are we?

Sulu: Captain, the Klingon ship is approaching at warp speed. Shall we go to warp?Kirk: Nah, ghosts don't have mass; it should pass right through us.Scotty: (over the comm) Wait, we're rigged to blow up when we go to warp anyway.Spock: It appears the Klingons are just trying to get us to go to warp.Kirk: Bah! Trying to spook us into leaving them alone! Maybe it's a pirate ghost ship and they have treasure...Spock: That's enough, Jim.Kirk: Sorry.

Scotty: (over the comm) There's no chance of repair for the dilithium assembly. We need dilithium, or we won't be able to maneuver.Kirk: I'm sure it'll turn up before episode's end.

Kirk: Uhura, patch me through to the Klingons.Klingon: (over comm) Hey, sorry, we're busy right now. If you'd like to leave a message, leave one after the beep.Kirk: *sigh* We're peaceful, so don't attack us.Klingon: Haha! I said, after the beep! *BEEP*Kirk: Forget it.

Spock: Oh no, we're all gonna die! Good thing I'm picking up dylithium readings from Elaan's necklace.Kirk: The dilithium crystals must be why the Klingons want Elaas so badly, and we can use them to escape. Now all we have to do is drop Elaan off, and I can work off the HarryKiminitis. Another mystery solved, gang!Spock: Zoinks!
(The Enterprise warps off at Mysterious Speed)