Memories

4 August, 2006 - 11:10am — SilentBlue

I've been thinking about the past quite a bit lately....

Little Memories:

All through elementary school...and high school too I guess, I was paranoid that people thought I was a lesbian. I just felt like I "fit" it so much that I figured everyone would think it. It wasn't a huge deal to me, I just remember thinking it from time to time when other kids would stare at me or look at me for too long(haha same thing I guess!)

CRUSHES

Boy-crushes:

1)Hung out with him whenever I could and thought about him a lot
-Told him I liked him, he told me he liked me....Made me happy, but I really felt no different than just wanting to hang out with him still

2)Lived near me and I consider him to be the best guy-friend I ever had
-he asked me out, I said no. I felt bad about it, but it was like once he asked me out I realized I didn't want to be his girlfriend, I just liked being close to him.

Girl crushes:

My first girl-crush was when I was 9. I really wanted her to be my friend, but I didn't know how to go about doing that. I knew I was attracted to her, but it didn't really phase me for some reason.

...I actually had little crushes before that that I didn't realize were crushes I think....but maybe I'm just twisting it to fit, who knows...
-on my babysitter when I was I don't even know how old
-On these older girls that used to live near me and take me out for walks or to play

Then in older grades I would always try to impress girls that I liked and tried to get them to like me back.

First intense crush:

The first crush I had that made it hit hard that I was really into girls was when I was 14 and just hitting puberty(makes sense)...I thought about her all the time, couldn't wait to see her and cried at knowing I would never have her. I feel really pathetic about this crush too because I never really even talked to her...Just listened to her talk to others and I loved her personality. It has faded away since I haven't really seen her for so long, but it is still there a little. Very pathetic given that she never really knew me and I never really talked to her. I never thought I would feel that way about someone, but I guess that could be because I was always thinking in terms of it being a guy.
.
.
.Now:

I'm getting more comfortable with the fact that I don't like guys(in a boyfriend kind of way) and I never really have. When I was trying to force myself to like guys, it just made me more depressed so I've given up trying to "straighten" myself. I am gay. I know a lot of people on here don't think we should feel the need to label ourselves, but I'm the type to over-analyze(^obviously) and don't let it rest until I have figured it out enough to satisfy me. I know I've always liked girls...I never really questioned that, it was just wondering if I liked guys also. I feel so much more content just admitting it to myself that I don't and giving up on trying to force feelings for guys that just aren't there.

WOW!! This is a lot of information, but I felt like getting it down into organized thoughts... God I love this site!