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Disappointment a heavy, boiling liquid
Threatening, unbidden erupting; acidic
Rage rises bitter in my chest, trying to escape
In hot tears or swears, or both, volcanic
I was so NEARLY there I thought,
I had dangerous hope

Losing which, I am swept into a fight
With seeming inevitable futility, trapped
By enveloping gloss of hatred’s silky film
Like a sea bird caught in an oil slick,
Slippery with ugly spilled emotion,
Too late for flight

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Recently I took my shoes off and waded through a freezing cold river, and it was exhilarating and beautiful and fun….I think life can be like that… the cold can almost be enjoyable, just because it’s beautiful further on, and the person going with you is awesome, and they even help you warm up on the other side (But I do realise, life’s trials can be a lot worse than freezing cold feet).

I am a terrible and sporadic blogger. Which is fine, because my blog exists mainly to serve my own purposes, and when I don’t do it, that’s fine, because i’m doing it verbally with people around me, or creatively, by other means.

I recently read a post about resting that my friend wrote and it evoked a continuation of a thought process I have been figuring out.

I have blogged because I need to express, think and be creative.

I have worked because it is good to proactively contribute the the goings on of the world around us, and because it’s good to take responsibility for providing for the needs of my existence, which include financial demands.

BUT, I can express, think and be creative without blogging; no guilt attached.

SO… does it then follow that, if I can proactively contribute to the goings on of the world around me in a positive way, and take responsibility for providing for my needs, can I be unemployed without feeling guilty for it? I’m not suggesting I stay unemployed on purpose, at all (I would really love to have something to invest my time and energy in, and to feel independent as a result of the resulting income), but can it be that God wants me to learn to be humble, and learn to work without monetary reward, and then learn to receive from elsewhere, without being able to say I earnt it?

This lesson, God, is not a fun one to be learning, just so you know…. so if you’re reading my blog (the least you could do, I feel) then please help me to learn it quickly, so that I can then go ahead and get a job, and be a blessing to those around me? Please pretty please?

In other news I can now complete a rubik’s cube. Next on the list: a toss up between poi, and basic guitar playing… ;]

P.S. Is it wrong to deliberately make friends feel uncomfortable in a lightly banterful way, just because they asked for it, and it’s funny?

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When I hear about, witness or ponder upon an incident or prolonged occurrence of a boy/lad/man being a selfish emotionally stunted coward I get cross. That seems fair. What is LESS fair and probably quite unhelpful is the fact that I not only get cross with the guilty specimen, but I also get a bit grouchy and distrustful of my Daddy, boyfriend and other male friends. I am sorry. Something to pray about. Hey Jesus, could you help me to be gentle, positive, forgiving and helpful. Please help me to be loving, joyful and patient at all times and to bring out the best in people. Pearls of wisdom gratefully received, on the premise that you don’t think they’d be wasted on me. ;] haha. xx

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I saw this Naomi lass, the one who used to have a fringe… Oh?? Do tellShe was wearing a neon coat and crouching in the rain ‘rescuing’ earthworms from the pavement. Most passers by looked at her like she was really weird, and she laughed to herself. Did you talk to her?Well I was going to but it seemed like a better idea to just crouch down alongside her and join in. And did she save these worms? Yeah, actually, she couldn’t save them all but she thought that wasn’t a good enough excuse not to save any at all. Will she be out on the pavements again next time it rains?Well, I hope so… it depends, sometimes the way the world works can kind of suppress her and she just sortof can’t be found among all the busy people who think that their business and their own selfish needs are more important, she can be tempted to blend in… I hate it when she gets lost in the midst of that ideology. Ahh i see. But the world is just so big, she can’t get round to saving all of it; even picking up this earthworm rather than that one is a choiceYeah it’s a tough world….Do you think it’s worth it… should she just put on her suit and forget the neon and the earthworms?

Depends… on lots of things… There are lots of valuable ways to spend time… which she obviously has a finite amount of in a day…

How come this wondering about worms, anyway?

Haha…. well the event caused me to ponder, it could be a picture that represents a broader understanding of the world… You see it got me wondering… if there were some things about catie that had been more genuinely pure and good; humbling things that make it convenient to lose her. It was nice to see her, but I was wondering if I see her less these days… if I’d replaced her with some townie kid who didn’t care about earthworms, who had ideas above her station.. Ahhhh i see It would be unfortunate to just replace her, trample on her worms and leave her out in the rain Yeah… I mean don’t get me wrong she could always be selfish and bad, but I think she was brave and willing to stand up and be different and do what’s uncomfortable if she though it was the right thing to do… I’d hate it if she became unecognisable in that sense… But she hasn’t Not yet 🙂 Like you said – she was chilling with the worms today And she might just prompt a few others around her to think too Like me. And yourself. Yeah, I’m glad I recognised her, it would have been easy to ignore her and keep walking, not to think about it at all, I’m sure I’ve done that before, I hope I don’t from now on, but I probably will… I’m glad, that you’ve told me about her 🙂

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Thank you God. I can’t tell the story. But it is one of redemption and freedom. I’m so grateful and hopeful. It’s about love, forgiveness, understanding, prayer, trust and compassion. Thank you… you know who you are. And thank you God. I can’t sleep and I got thinking about it again… but this time I felt gratitude, I love you, I miss you.

“I love you so much they hate you compared to how much I love you” – hahah this always makes me smile.

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I’m curious about fear. Why does fear get to wield such influence in our lives? Does it even make sense?

I am one of the most jumpy people alive… I am ridiculous when I watch scary films, but curiosity gets the better of me and every so often I watch one… I watch it knowing I’ll regret it, and then when I’m done, guess what, I regret it.

Let me tell you a couple little stories about curiosity and about fear…

One day (today actually) I was trying to be helpful on the small holding, so I took a tub and went to pick raspberries. The bushes are all close together and you have to get entangled to do any proper helpful fruit picking, and there are loads of flies, bees and wasps. Wasps are an issue for me… I don’t understand why I am so scared of them… I wanted to be brave and useful though so I kept trying to pick raspberries, even though every buzz was a test… and then just as I’d put the last ripe raspberry into the tub a wasp came too close to my hand and… I dropped the pot and ran… like a real sissy! It’s so infuriating!! I simply don’t seem to be able to use mind over matter…

One (different) day, I had my curiosity spiked by a friend, a teenage boy. He told me that he had stapled a receipt to his leg. Why, on hearing this, did I instantly want to do it too? I knew it would hurt, and I knew it was purposeless but I still wanted to. It really was fascinating… i found the receipt got in the way and didn’t quite quench my curiosity, so I did it without any paper; so I could get a proper look at the staple as it clung in my leg… and as I pulled it out… It didn’t really hurt that much, but apparently I could have got an infection and needed to amputate my leg… so I’m not allowed to do it again (that’s okay… curiosity on this generally over now)

Once I was asked out by a young man with whom I had been good friends for a while. I was shocked, and scared, and excited. I said yes. I knew I was making a choice to be vulnerable and also to take on responsibility to take care of someone else’s heart, basically I was choosing to love him. This was terrifying to me in a way, it had the potential to hurt me and him in a big way but I thought that IF it worked out it could be something fantastic. Turned out to be both, I think. It was one of the most rollercoasterish nine months I’d experienced as a result of a choice I’d made. It was a risk, I took it, I was so blessed, I learned things, I was quite hurt too though. Now… would I, could I take a similar risk again?

So basically what I’m wondering about is this… There seem to be different types of fear, or at least a scale of levels of fear. I’m afraid of pain, but specifically the pain caused by a wasp sting I seem to fear a hundred times more than a needle or a punch in the stomach or something. But all of these fears are insignificant and not something I’d actually worry about at night when I can’t sleep. I’m afraid of bad things happening unexpectedly, which means I jump when I watch films and have to hide behind cushions and things, but somehow I am still curious, so I still choose to watch these things…. I’m scared of unseen jellyfish when I’m swimming but I still love going in the sea. I’m often curious about how much pain I can take and I pick (play)fights with people 3 times as big as me… Rollercoasres are designed to scare us and yet loads of us love going on them?!?

Really, the kind of thing I’m actually afraid of is losing a precious friendship, hurting someone, being rejected by someone I love, being a burden to others, disappointing God or my family, being selfish and making bad decisions… Some are scary because they’re to do with the hope for something amazing, and the scary part is the disappointment if they don’t work out, and some are to do with temptation to sin, and that kind rarely seems scary at the point of choosing, but in reality are probably far worse. And yet, even though these things are much more important to me really… I make such silly choices with regard to them. The Ones that are to do with fear of disappointment I have to make a real effort not to avoid, while with temptations I’m not nearly so swift to avoid situations where I could potentially fall into them… I don’t ‘drop the tub of raspberries and run’…. and is it because of curiosity that I don’t?

Sigh… I have been rambling…. With lots of questions, but also lots of love . ;] xx