Daisy Does The Niners: SF Loses To Detroit 32-17, No One Cares

by Daisy Barringer

Someone last week suggested that instead of writing a column about the 49ers this week, I instead create a list of 49 things you’d be better off doing than watching them play football. I loved this idea, but then realized that basically, short of most felonies, at this point in the season, you'd be better off doing pretty much anything than watching 49ers football. And hopefully that's what you were doing yesterday although WTF it's cold as balls outside, although definitely not as cold as Jed York's shriveled, dead heart.

The good news: The 49ers head into Week 17 with the No. 5 pick of the draft and are guaranteed at least a top eight pick. Of course, if they'll use that pick wisely remains to be seen and will be at least somewhat dependent on what happens with Baalke and Tomsula in the offseason. Not that Tomsula would get to weigh in on the draft pick; I don't think the 49ers really care what he thinks. Just that if he does happen to get fired (PLEASE GOD PLEASE), the new coach will likely want more control. Of course, THAT'S not going to happen unless Baalke is also let go and, sadly, I just can’t see that happening.

Yeah, my gut tells me that Baalke and Tomsula will both hold the exact same positions for the 2016 season. One year ago to the day, I tweeted, “The 49ers are about to enter a deep depression of losing seasons. And it’s all the fault of a man who never played the game.” Unfortunately, I think I was onto more than I even realized with that tweet. Jed York is incapable of making intelligent, analytical decisions. He is also incapable of giving that power to someone who is. The result? The Niners may not have a winning record for a while. Like: years.

Good thing Christmas is over, otherwise I would have just ruined it.

What’s interesting about the Tomsula situation is how inept he appears during the games. I don’t want to shame him for being his profuse perspiration, but he’s seriously always pouring sweat and breathing heavily out of his mouth. And it’s not like he’s a Harbaugh/Tigger type who jumps up and down and runs on to the field and is constantly in motion. Rather, he’s more like Eyore — just sort of slowly lumbering up and down the sidelines looking sad and confused. It doesn’t actually appear that he does anything during the game. Of course, this can’t be true (RIGHT?), but it seems to me like he’s rarely shown actually, you know: coaching. Still, the players claim to love him, going as far to say that he’s the best coach they’ve ever had.

I mean, I guess you could argue that the guy deserves another chance. A lot of players retired and even more suffered injuries. It’s just his first year. He’s willing to listen and take chances. Blah blah blah blah blah. I’m not here to watch some guy EVENTUALLY have what it takes to be the head coach of my football team. I didn’t pay thousands of dollars for a SBL so that some guy could learn on the job. I want a good head coach and I want him now. *arms crossed* *foot stomp* *tantrum*

The worst part of all of this? While the season is basically over, it's not actually over. The 49ers still have to play the Rams next week in a game that's as meaningless as all of the sex I had in college. The only good thing is that we should have some answers about the future of the coaching staff and front office shortly thereafter. And it's still a good excuse to drink a bunch of beer in the middle of the afternoon. Because at this point, the beer is the only thing that keeps me tuning in.

Next Week: The (7-8) St. Louis Rams come to Levi's Stadium. If all goes well, they'll destroy the 49ers and we'll end up with a solid draft pick and a brand new coaching staff.