Friday, September 5, 2008

Frog in the Throat: Diagnosing Your Bicycle

As offensive as some fads, trends, or subcultures can be, there's usually at least some kernel of authenticity if you dig deep enough. In the case of fixed-gear bicycles, even the most staunchly traditional cyclist has to admit that, while thousands of not millions of perfectly good frames may have been butchered in the name of style, at least the butchering was done by individuals and had some sort of DIY ethic behind it. Even the many companies that subsequently sprang up to supply these butchers with things like top tube pads, knickers, and t-shirts with stolen logos on them were generally at least run by entrepreneurial independents. But then comes that moment where that last bit of fiber linking the fad to its authentic roots snaps, like the rubbery strand of mozzarella after you've taken a bite of extra-cheese pizza. In terms of fixed-gears, that moment may have come last year with the launch of the Felt Curbside, one of the first "pre-customized" fashion fixed-gears. But if it didn't, and if somehow that strand of mozzarella was somehow still connecting the pizza slice of fashion with the maw of authenticity, it has finally been completely severed with the introduction of the new 2009 Cannondale Capo:

Tuomo in Finland, who alerted me to this bike, likened it to the scene in Cronenberg's remake of "The Fly" when "Brundlefly fuses with Telepod, creating a hideous monstrosity that begs to be put out of its misery," and I have to admit that's a fairly astute comparison. Cannondale have indeed fused the essence of Fixedgeargallery style with the Capo, and in so doing they've effectively cut the owner out of the equation, since there's not much left to do here in the way of "customization" save for perhaps adding a top tube pad. They've also fused a fixed-gear freestyler with a road-going fixed gear, since the four-bolt crank and platform pedals allude to the former, while the drop bars and dual brakes suggest the latter. But while it may appear to be a bit of a mash-up, it's actually (according to Cannondale) "the bare essence of a bicycle--lean, mean, and ready for the unpredictability of the gritty urban streets." I'm not sure what's "lean" and "mean" about a bicycle with lilac accents, but then again I'm not from the "gritty urban streets" of Bedford, Pennsylvania.

But while bicycles are increasingly coming shipped from the factory already tarted up (or "pre-tarted"), plenty of people are still customizing their bikes themselves. And one of the most dangerous things about customizing anything is that it can quickly get out of your control. This is true of bicycles, cars, motorcycles, and even your own body. With the bicycle, you might start with a sticker or two, then a colored tire, and perhaps after that some grips or bar tape to match the tire. Before you know it you're riding some kind of "My Little Pony" nightmare that looks like a middle school girl's notebook. I strongly suspect that in most cases the people riding heavily customized bicycles did not intend to venture so far into the abyss of accessorizing as they did, and that if you were to travel back in time to the moment they first bought their bike or frame and show them a picture of what it would eventually become, they'd gasp and say, "Dear God, no! Just kill it. Kill it now, I beg you!"

That's why it's important to check your bike for warning signs. Think of it as the equivalent of a home breast exam. And one of the most important things to look for on your bicycle is "hipster cysts:"

The proper medical term for the "hipster cyst" is the Knog Frog, but if you're anything like me you find Latin pretentious and confusing, so I'm going to stick to the colloquial term. If you haven't noticed, "hipster cysts" have become the lighting of choice for urban fixed-gear riders, hence the sobriquet. Of course, I should start out by saying that just because your bike has "hipster cysts" does not necessarily mean you have a problem. It's important to be seen, and these lights are very useful, especially because they are very adaptable and cling well to today's oversized and computer-cluttered bars, aero seatposts, and strangely-shaped frame tubes. However, while these cysts are often benign (as is the one pictured above), all too often they can be indicative of a larger problem.

This bike, for example, has two "hipster cysts." Generally speaking, cysts on the seatpost are benign. However, once cysts on the front of the bicycle migrate from the handlebars to the headtube or fork blade (or even the front hub--yes, I've seen it) they can be a cause for concern. That's definitely the case here, as this bicycle has already developed a serious Hed tri-spoke situation.

Here, the condition is even more serious. Note there's a cyst on the head tube, as well as one on the rear Aerospoke. A cyst on an Aerospoke is almost always malignant, and generally speaking it's not even worth the risk of waiting for the results of a biopsy in order to act, for with every passing day this bicycle's frontal spoke card problem grows more and more severe. Naturally, the first course of action should be to remove both the cyst and the Aerospoke. I only pray it's not too late.

This bike is an excellent indication of just how difficult it can be to properly diagnose "hipster cysts." Ordinarily a cyst on the seatpost is not a cause for alarm. However, this bike is riddled with anodization and color coordination, as well as with a top tube pad and a saddle that is completely incongruous with the rest of the bicycle. (It's like wearing a tasseled loafer with a pair of neon pink hot pants.) In this case, then, simply dismissing the cyst would have been a mistake.

For this very reason, I would advise this owner to be very careful. For while his bike is certainly not suffering from excessive customization, the fact that he already has two cysts (with one on the fork) before he's even installed a chain is a definite warning sign.

Saddest of all, though, are cases like this. A cluster of four cysts on the fork is nothing short of tragic. It's already spread to the handlebars, which are capped in pink Ourys and clamped by a 3TTT Mutant road stem (colloquially known as the "schlong" stem for its phallic appearance). Unfortunately, the entire front end may need to be removed.

Sure, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I'm overreacting. But this is serious. If gone unchecked these things can lead to a full-blown frog situation:

those frogs lights are sweet. Light, funtional, minimalistic, no fasteners, they are the ipod among the clunky '80s Aiwa walkmen of normal led lights. BSNY, I am doubting your usually impecable bicycle taste.

missed the podium!snob, watch the third ticket forrunning reds. after that one, youWILL sell all your track stuff. ithought it was a joke getting thatticket, but a guy who processesthe tickets said the third one isvicious. maybe you need another id.

Capo..name a bike after the head of a organized crime family? Why not the "Gotti"?

What's up with bike names anyway...Cervelo makes the "Team Soloist" for $1900, then the "Soloist" for twice that, then the "Soloist SL" for the annual GDP of Bolivia.

The whole point is to confuse dentists, who are used to naming teeth with proper names, like molar and bicuspid , not tooth 1, tooth 2 etc. Alas, the hapless swish and spitter enters his Cervelo dealership intending to buy a Team soloist, but leaves with a Soloist SL, thus resulting in a sudden spike of root canals and adult orthodontia. So years later, just when these med school flunkies finally figure out the Cervelo naming system, Cervelo switches to "S1, S2, S3".

I don't know about tassel loafers and neon pink hot pants, but I bet Frilly would look totally hot in kitten heels and neon pink hot pants. Or was that stiletto heels and lacy boyshorts? Sometimes the fantasies get mixed up...

Actually, the odd thing is, frog lights on wheels are somehow even more visible than on the traditional handlebar/seatpost combo. I turned my nose up at it at first, and I still haven't actually gone ahead and done it on my own bike, but I've seen them in action...and what can I say, it's true.

Hey, Anon 1:15. I would say I agree with you about the frogs being light and useful. And RTMS/BSNYC would agree. But if you need more than one on the seatpost and one on the handlebar, I would opine that what you really need is a more powerful headlight and blinky light for the rear. But that bike with 4 frogs up and down the fork? That's almost the equivalent of undercarriage neon lighting on your bling-ed out SUV! I'm sure RTMS never saw SUVs like that in NYC!

Quick question - Is Sastre a dentist? He does ride a cervelo, and will ride for the cervelo team next year (side note - does that make him a meta dentist?), but the sucking on a pacifier thing, any dentist or psychologist will tell you, is not healthy at his age. I'm confused.

Well, that Capo explains why Jeff Frehner resigned as C-dale's chief two weeks ago after only 5 weeks on the job. The official excuse given was "family reasons," which usually means someone got caught with a live boy or a dead woman.

In this case, however, we can conjecture that Frehner saw the bike and decided to get while the getting was good. Or that the Capo was Frehner's project and the board offered him the honorable way out when they saw it at the product launch.

What kind of name is "Curbside"? Just makes me think of curbside trash pickup, or "curb your dog". One more steaming pista from the squatting dog in the photo from last week?

I saw one of the most pre-tarded fixies at Performance the other day - the Fuji "Obey", complete with gold anodized bars. It was drilled for a rear brake but not a front brake.

As for the video with the Al Jourgensen looking dude at the end, KRON TV in San Francisco is also well-known for brnging us this gem. It even has something to do with DIY customization of your vehicle. Your LBS owner is often put in the same situation an Manuel Cabrera.

Dude, while you are totally in future shock most of the time; on the Cannondale Capo let’s just say that that bus done left the depot a few years ago.

This version:

http://www.cannondale.com/bikes/06/CUSA/model-7PR1.html

(the first) was the most bitchin’ Capo ~ matte black (BBQ) with the reflective paint logos or the even more more bitchin’ “raw.” finish. Here’s the page that they used to “drop” the dope shit in 2006:

http://www.cannondale.com/bikes/06/cusa/cats/road_er_capo.html

I particularly like:

“We identified the root of fixed gear and messenger culture. NYC yo!”

Oh my.

You should also note that the Capo was at that time filed under the heading “road.”

Still, I have always liked that bike, not least because the frame is HAND-BUILT in the USA. I can not tell you enough or more honestly, all joking aside, how deep that aspect of the matter is. Compare that with our pals Mission Bikes:

http://www.missionbicycle.com/

Who are powder-coating Chinese frames and calling it authentic and the bile will rise in your throat, guaranteed.

BSNY - OMG, I was just showing that 1992 video to Dominic this weekend, cuz oddly enough, that's when I was a messenger! And in SF! But I swear I did not have a basket. I was way too cool for that. I rode a Raleigh mntn bike and carried a ZOE bag.

As far as that Frog lite thingie goes, you have to admit it looks a lot better than some of the lites out there.....

p.s. we have some french steel about to be painted camo green with orange lugs and there are orange velocity wheels in my livingroom. pretty fucking ugly!

re: the multiple knog cysts as similar to the under neon on kustom kruisers:

i cant help but notice the similarity between the anodized stickered arrospok hed risered ouried ttped NOBRAKES velospace'd bikes and the hypercustomized acuras and hondas etc. ricers as it relates to risers?

Seventeen years ago (1991) the third-quarterback rule was instituted to enable teams to have an emergency quarterback available who was not on the 45-man game-day active roster, since many teams, for strategic purposes, only carried two quarterbacks on their game-day roster.

Everybody thinks they understand the NFL's "third-quarterback" rule. But do they?

The rule states that if a third quarterback is inserted before the fourth quarter, a team's first two quarterbacks cannot be used in the game at any position.

Another aspect of the rule is sometimes misunderstood. It is a coach's decision as to whether a third quarterback will be used.

The active quarterbacks do not have to be injured for a team to use its third quarterback.

I rocked the hunter orange/camo color scheme on my last DH bike. Camo rims, rattle canned orange spokes, shadow seat with real tree camo cover and blaze orage accents. It looked awesome/disgusting. The woods I build trails in are frequented by drunken rednecks that shoot at anything that moves....it was a "don't shoot me" color scheme. I bounce back and forth between loud bikes and clean, understated ones. White frame, with all black parts now. I just run a orange jersey and a bell.

Yeah; that monstrosity with the four front frog lights is in St. Petersburg and everyone makes fun of him for having the ugliest bike. Word on the streets is that fruity pebbles and barbie had a bastard child that was premature and it grew up into that bike.

"The majority of the bikes that you see in the street are custom built from scratch by their owners. Most of the parts are used, although reassembled. Fixed-gear biking is all about being creative and hands-on. It is about rediscovering your adolescence. If you were into BMX bikes as teenager, there is a great chance you will love fixed-gear bikes now. The bold and bright colors that were cool back then are inevitably the choice of today. White, CMYK, rich anodized colors and even sparkle are popular picks – there is a visibly strong influence of Japanese street culture.

"Messenger culture and attire has inspired a new look beyond the bikes: three quarter length pants, skinny jeans, messenger bags, and vivid outerwear that comes in the same playful colors that you see on the bikes."

2. No more tasseled loafers with neon pink hot pants. At least not after Labor Day.

3. No pointing out the horrific grammatical errors in the $2,500 Gentlemans Gadgets ad. Some thinks is best left un-said-i-fied.

4. See if Dog Paw wants to come out of retirement to ride stoker on a trail-a-bike for the NYC Century. (Ten year old recommended by Michael Ball flunked blood doping test and smokes two packs of Camels a day.) Query -- what will it take to lure Dog Paw from the pool at his summer manse in the Hamptons this weekend?

"As much as fixed-gear riding is about pure joy, it is also a rebellion against cookie-cutter life and set rules. It is about bending the rules, disobeying traffic laws, wearing no helmet, using no brakes in the streets."

Yeah, rebellion. Fcuk everyone and everything, yeah. No rules man, I am just an anarchistic rider who defies society's standards.

Darn! No What Not To Wear for me tonight, I have to stay over my friend's place tonight, so we can get up bright and early to do SAG for the Univest Grand Prix Cyclosportif (and then watch the pro race following.) Last year I got to try to straighten the seriously bent rear derailleur hanger on Floyd Landis' BMC. Without the Park DAG-1 that I consciously decided to leave at home. This year, all tools are coming with! 'Cept for the wheel truing stand...

Sorry, Frills, the pro's backsides won't have quite the same impact on me as they might for you...

1:31 - it looks like a bendix kickback to me maybe (no red line?). It just goes to show you what messengers were like before parental income supplementation of bike parts.

PS Snobby- getting around in SF on a fixed gear is not like NYC - Those broke ass looking messengers of yore looked like they actually wanted to get places on time (besides Market) and couldn't even afford messenger bags. They look more like my Chinese food delivery guy.

"Today young artists dress her up like a bride and then strip her, delicately or madly, but always with love. In Italian we call them fissati, fixated, another way of saying maniacs. I like working with maniacs, art is mania, obsession, just like music is mania, bikes are mania."

Anonymous said... I think either Specialized or Trek had a pre-hipped fixie a couple of years ago. Matt black with skull and fang theme. Very urban.

You are thinking of the first bad Boys with the monster decals (which are here, but you can’t see the monster face which was on the head-tube ~ they even made matching jerseys with the monster face with red eyes, which were hella lame):

Too bad you already have plans or you could come do SAG for me as I ride in the not so highly competitive Autumn Apple Pie Tour. Should be fun-the weather is supposed to be nice & as far as I know Lawrence Orbach is still somewhere in the five boros.

I'd be your Team Frilly Directeur Sportif, following behind in the team car, always with a lil' sumthin' sumthin' ready for you... We could crush that Orbach fellow like a bug.

And, I'd buy you dinner after! What kind of cocktails do you fancy? You seem like a cosmopolitan kinda girl, unless you are on to the next trend, which around here seems to be the apple-tini. Which sounds about right for the Apple Pie Tour you are doing...

Stuggy your Saturday plans sound far more interesting. Although I like the idea of having my own team car. Coulda used it last Friday. I rode my bike to work for the first time & wouldn't you know it my chain came off for the first time. Nice.Hey, I was going to ask what was Floyd like? We've all seen some of those guys get hostile with neutral support.Um, hate to be unsophisticated but I'm definitely a beer drinker.

"The day the earth stood still" -- 1950 movie"Patton" -- 1970 movieFederal Express truck with old logo, retired in 1994.Herbie Hancock "Rockit" around 1:30, came out in 1984... All this points to a definite filming date of July 11, 1986. Kickass mullet/rat tail at 1:25 or so...just deserves mentioning... I like the Foster's can in Dog Breath's apartment in the grabbin' the keys scene at the beginning.

As for Floyd, he's a really nice guy. Very cool and laid back. Because his derailleur hanger was whack, I think beyond the redemption of a derailleur alignment tool (which I didn't have with me, grrr..), I told him it wasn't likely to shift well. And considering he was supposed to be rolling at the front of the start of the Cyclosportif, like, right then, he was all "Ahh, it's ok. It'll be fine. I can deal." Chet and I decided he'd probably gotten it to stay in a reasonable gear, and then didn't bother to shift anymore. 'Cos he's huge.

Now, I didn't get to meet big LA, but he did sign my old bike's top tube. A friend had an opportunity to ride with LA the day before his last Philly US Pro appearance (the one he did after he came back from the cancer, before any Tour wins.) And, my friend didn't want to ship his bike out, so he borrowed mine. My fee was sending Fred off with a silver paint pen: "Just get Lance to autograph the top tube." He did, but Lance wasn't happy-friendly about it. He rode in the front, and didn't mix it up with the rest of the riders, just seemed to want to get it done and over with. Oh, yeah, I still have that bike, but I stripped it down to frame and fork to hang on the wall. Maybe he isn't as friendly as Floyd, but he autographed my bike, and went on to win 7 Tours.

As far as I'm concerned, when I'm tellin' the story of Floyd's derailleur hanger to my kids, I worked on a Tour de France Champion's bike!

i appreciate this blog a lot, and obviously as a new cyclist in NYC have picked up a lot just from seeing what people have to say...

i am always looking for more information... and was wondering if anyone knew of any websites/blogs that cater to the "urban/city" cyclist, but more so focused on road bikes, and certainly not fixie/hipster/coke sniffing/trust fund specific.

any sites out there for those of us not wearing spandex or "racing" in central park, and not donning top tube pads and stupidness?

Hey, I like that bike with what looks like nice green Vittoria Pave tires.

'Cuz nothin' says "I'm ready to hit the mean streets of NYC ad roll like a hardcore fixed gear freestyler" like a pair of tires that stick well in the rain and bounce over cobblestones without flatting, but which are utterly destroyed by either 200 miles of riding or the first shard of glass to pass within 6 feet of the tire, whichever comes first.

m_avina, I think what ya got there is the '08 C'dale ad blather. That's so, like, last year! Remember we are living in the future.

I'll tell you how I knowI read it in the paperFifteen years agoWe're all driving rocket shipsAnd talking with our mindsAnd wearing turquoise jewelryAnd standing in soup linesWe are standing in soup lines

I agree that Felt thing is a monstrosity, but the Capo is just a track bike with brakes and a flip-flop hub. Yeah, the new paint-job sucks, but it's the Johnny-come-latelies, Langsters and Treks that are the signs of the apocalypse. The Capo's impact on the pixa-dex was back in '06 when a major manufacturer decided to jump on the fixie bandwagon before it had even really started rolling.

I use spd pedals on road bikes, one of which is a Merckx fixie conversion. Yes, there are people out there who consider that a fashion violation, but the world is crawling with people who desperately need to get a life.

I'm as anti-bullshit -hipster as the next guy, believe me. I just don't understand why you all seem to have such a problem with all fixed ger bikes. I mean, isn't a fixed, if built properly and not ridiculous, just as legitimate a type of bike as anything else?

I have a fixed gear that I built myself, as well as a British 3 speed, a fast fourteen speed and an old tandem. I love them all and ride them all for different reasons. I also have a car, which I use for transporting groceries and children when the need arises, but i try to keep its use to a minimum.

Don't forget, as annoying and self righteous as hipsters often are, they are not driving and at least doing something to move us toward a more bicycle friendly culture. As far as I'm concerned, anybody riding any bike for any reason is alright with me.

As far as I'm concerned, anybody riding any bike for any reason is alright with me.

I think we all agree on that. We just like to make fun of the obnoxious ones. It would be interesting to know what percentage of the participants here ride fixed gear bikes. I have one at the moment, down from three mostly because they suddenly became "cool." My first (harrowing) ride on a fixie was in '01. I built up an old Schwinn Traveler frame that was too big for me, which did not help. That rear wheel was, I think, the second wheel I ever built. Recently, I pulled it apart and put an Ultegra hub in there for another project. The shark is way off in the distance behind us!

If Cadel Evans is the Coltrane of Excuses, then these guys must be the Kenny G of Excuses

**In a letter sent to the leadership group of the Athletes Advisory Council, an attorney for the four cyclists—Michael Friedman, Sarah Hammer, Bobby Lea and Jennie Reed—not only asked the USOC to apologize, but said the flap was “emotionally devastating” and adversely affected their performances at the Beijing Games, where none of them medaled and only Hammer managed a top-five finish.***

So If the CAPO is now an officially lame mix of contradiction, what is a good track bike for around the same price that gets the BSNY thumbs up? Mind you, It will actually be used to race with! Yes I do care what you think Snobby.

Back to the frogs. They might look nice, but I like being able to see the potholes when the streets are poorly lit, and I like people being able to see me from 1/10 of a mile away. So I'll keep my "ugly" PlanetBike lights, thanks.

Found Knogs some years ago and love em. Rechargeable batteries and you can take them off in a second, shove in the rear pocket so that the handlebars do not look like the bumber bar on a Paris Daakar rally car

The "Track Bike by Bergamont" is quite the bargain, really. You must have missed the Chanel version: http://www.gentlemansgadgets.com/index.php/haute-couture-bicycle-by-chanel/ $13,900 for a re-branded generic Euro city bike, that's some kind of markup!

Before I saw first Knog, we were already selling similar light for a year at least in my bikeshop. Didn't look so cool - transparent plastic and black rubber string instead of one piece translucent - but it was a bit cheaper. And you guessed it, no one wanted them ;-)

I put them on my fixie purely because of one simple reason - they are very unintrusive. I didn't want lights on that bike, so I choose those tiny ones. And that's I think the main reason why people use them. But I ended up replacing the rear one with some proper multi-led power. And I'm still fighting the urge to replace the front one as well ;-)

What do you think concerning adding some more illustrations? No offence, content is really nice. But according to the scientists visitors acquire information much more efficient when there are some useful pics.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!