Wednesday, July 16, 2003

Dead Birds In The Corporate Plaza Fountain Day!

Get up a couple hours early, go up to your roof and kill five pidgeons with a baseball bat. Bag their carcasses, then go back down to your apartment and change out of your pajamas to get ready for work.

You should get to the office early enough that only a few people might be walking in with you, but not so early as to arouse suspicion from the guards. When you cross the plaza, ready the bag of dead pidgeons so that when you get to the fountain, you can casually walk nearly 200 degrees around the edge, every ten paces tossing a pidgeon into the water with just a flick of your wrist behind your back. When the bag is empty, stuff it into your briefcase and stroll on up to work.

You'll be taking a long lunch today. Leaving early enough to get some food and to secure the bench on the plaza with just that perfect view. And returning late enough to not miss a thing. Just sit back and watch as the secretaries and the middle managers set down on the ledge of the fountain for a nice meal of office gossip and panini, then stand back up when someone notices a bludgeoned pidgeon floating past them. The people a few seats down will wonder what the folks around the bend are looking at, but they won't have to when they spy their very own dead pidgeon swaying past like a elderly person on an innertube. Soon, the ledge will be empty and you'll hear murmurings of "Must be using some chemicals in the water" and "THOSE AREN'T CHEMICALS, THESE PIDGEONS WERE BLUDGEONED TO DEATH! DEAR FUCKING CHRIST ALMIGHTY!" Then work will close early so everyone can group into a pipe weilding mob and band out into the streets to find the motherfucker responsible. Don't join them. Go home and nap some.