Goddamn Grace Jones on Crack Delusion

Wednesday, 8 November 2017

So this Update has been a long time coming, like Leo’s Oscar or the second season of Twin Peaks or Mrs Ryan Gosling*. Wink wink.

*I know that Mrs Ryan Gosling is actually a successful woman in her own right, the wonderful Eva Mendes, but the joke doesn’t work if I say her name, because let’s face it, unless your wading through The Daily Mail’s sidebar of shame you probably have no idea what celebrity has coupled with what other celebrity (give yourself a pat on the back) . Hence the slightly old-fashioned Mrs Ryan Gosling term. I hope this massively overlong explanation has ruined the joke and your day, I know it has for mine.

So first things first, the Update in its traditional form; i.e what the fudge have I been doing…

1. My latest draft was sent to my development editor. The lovely ‘C’ who has read the 104,000 monster and told me all the ways it was crap.

2. I take her report which says things like, it’s too long/confusing/I want to gouge my eyes out. I then re-carve the thing into a slick 95,000-word semi-monster which I give back to her for another read.

3. Once she’s read it again she gives the hardly even a monster anymore an awkward work-colleague hug and wishes it all the best, before she sends it back to me.

4. This is where I’m at right now… giving the reformed monster a trim and blow dry so it can look freaking slick, for the copy editor.

Let's all keep in our thoughts that poor soul because checking my grammar and spelling is like Badwater 135** for the mind.

**Badwater 135 is that 135-mile race they RUN (like with their legs) in Death Valley.

Now let's chat Swag

Imagine me wrapped in a vintage mink coat, fingers heavy with diamonds, carried by two beautiful Adonis, (each called 'yous' because I'm too fabulous to have to remember names) happy because they get to lug me around piles and piles of gorgeous swag. Picking our favourites.

Of course, what I’m actually doing is sat in my bunny slippers and a blanket because I’m too cheap to turn the heating up, and the piles of swag? Still in the development stage but I’m a writer so I basically live in my imagination and if that’s the way I roll you have to too. So imagine the Goddamn Grace Jones on crack delusion.

Despite the distracting Adonis, *sigh* I’ve designed three lovely Sour Fruit themed canvas bags for my Swag Bag Pledge Level, and I need your help to pick just one.

The winning design will be hand printed on to white canvas bags and filled with Swag, so if you’ve pledged for that swish piece of gear then get voting because the design that wins will be winging its way to you. I’ll make sure because I’ll be watching… probably when you expect it, in that I’ll have rung ahead to check you’re free. It’s only polite.

So to vote on your favourite design just head on over to either my Facebook page or Twitter, or email if you like, I won’t sell your email address, but only because I don’t know how you do that.

Do you like meet people in underground car parks or near famous monuments at dusk?

(Email me if you know the answer.)

info@eli-allison.com

Here are the designs, pick wisely, or not I'm not your Mum. (1 lemon, 2 lemons...etc...)