John Carter opens this Friday, so Disney has released a ten-minute clip to show us this is a badass movie, and they decided to accomplish this by including the part at the beginning with Bryan Cranston in it. Well played, Disney. Unlike the previous clip set on Mars, this one opens at the beginning, where the film’s stand-in for author Edgar Rice Burroughs receives his wealthy deceased uncle John Carter’s diary (no Hello Kitty stickers on the cover?). If the kid looks familiar, it’s because he’s the little boy from Spy Kids (Daryl Sabara), who needs to learn that open-mouthed, bug-eyed amazement isn’t always the right acting choice:

Condolences on your uncle’s death, which you already knew about before you traveled here.

*slack-jawed, wide-eyed wonder*

Why are you amazed by this? Anyway, there’s this book . . .

*slack-jawed, wide-eyed wonder*

I DIDN’T EVEN TELL YOU WHAT THE BOOK IS YET. IT COULD BE A PHONE BOOK.

*slack-jawed, wide-eyed wonder*

Oh forget it. Here’s the book. I’m leaving.

*slack-jawed, wide-eyed wonder*

Anyway, that scene aside, a few minutes later Bryan Cranston shows up and it starts getting awesome. I actually want to see this now.

And just to bring things full circle, Taylor Kitsch is staring at something with slack-jawed, wide-eyed wonder at the end of the clip. It better be something good, or else we know where the nephew learned it.

I also have no way to incorporate the fact that Taylor Kitsch has been complaining about getting groin scars from the harness he had to wear on set, but I’m mentioning here anyway. I’m telling everybody.

With the creative types attached to this, I have to at least give it a chance. It’s not their fault Disney marketers are a bunch of neutered retards who find it easier to write this off and find creative new ways to push Selena Gomez.