By Kiefer Sutherland

Associated Press

“Police” have taken out three al Qaeda operatives in London. Police!? You think some bastard with a club and no pistol is taking out any al Qaeda operatives? I’m rocking ski masks and parkas IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SUMMER, saving the world from terrorists. I’M WEARING A MARMOT IN THE MIDDLE OF AUGUST to catch these jackasses. Want to explode some dynamite in the subway systems? You already tried it … IN SEASON THREE!

And once again, it’s the same story. Not on my watch. Not on Bauer’s clock, which as you all know has a battery life of FOREVER.

And it’s not just LA anymore. Nah. It’s DC, London, goddamn Krakow even. I’m like the henchmen in Carmen San Diego, except I’m not a henchman and I’m not an ASS-BANDIT! But I love that song. F**k do I love that song.