Divorcing Yourself…One man’s divorce leads to a renewed and healthy relationship with himself

I saw him a couple of times at different local hang out places in town. He was easy to spot. Large and loud….. always with a drink in his hand, sweating profusely, and able to shoot back double double’s like it was water. He came across like he didn’t have a care in the world, but if you took a closer look he was a man on a mission to drown out a 17-year marriage that ended.
I sat at a table at the restaurant talking with a friend when this 370-pound man walked by. As I continued to talk, I noticed from the corner of my eye that I was being watched. This larger than life person smiled and he stood there waiting for acknowledgement. We made introductions and were invited to sit with his entourage of “no names” that simply seemed to occupy seats at his table because he was footing the bill. I immediately got to know this overweight and sweet soul, Phil, who came into my life.
Phil spent his whole adult married life being the provider, the problem solver, and caregiver to his ex-wife and two children. He’s life revolved around just that….never once thinking about himself or caring about his well-being emotionally and physically. In a sense, Phil lost himself the day he said, “I do”. Although he received little acknowledgement from his then-wife of what a good husband he was, his only reward at the end of the day was his children saying, “I love you dad!” and sometimes a picture note taped to his bedroom door from his son reminding Phil of what a wonderful dad he was.
“What do you look for in a man?” this overweight figure asked playfully. “Three things,” I responded, “One, a man that believes in God and goes to church; two, a gentleman….one who enjoys opening doors and treating me like a lady; three, a man who takes care of himself physically…..and Phil….you don’t take care of yourself.” I was just as surprised at what came out of my mouth as he was. His eyes widen.
That introduction was the beginning of a new found friendship. We became friends and regularly hung out together. I found him to be like an oversized kid, eager to do just about anything I was up for. I re-introduced him to God and in time, it was a part of his ritual regardless if I went with him or not. We went on long 4-hour bike rides. I found as long as I kept him talking, he didn’t realize how long he had been on the bike. In time, he joined a gym and worked out twice a day and some times more. I notice the gym became his outlet….a place where he got to work out and talk and meet people. As the pounds started dropping, his alcohol drinking subsided and his food behavior changed as well. Months went by and more noticeable changes happened. He no longer had to use a breathing machine at night for apnea and no longer had to take blood pressure medication.
As time went on, Phil was slowly transforming into a new Phil. He was now at 250 in weight, losing over 100 pounds in less than a year. He went on to lose an additional 25-pounds and finally did something for himself. He updated his out-dated clothes and started wearing designer clothes. His ex-wife took notice of his change along the way, but he now saw her in a new light. She was never complimentary towards him throughout their marriage, sometimes reverting to horrible name calling that associated with his weight. Their divorce was not just the separation of two people, but a divorce Phil had to make with himself. He learned that if you’re not good to yourself first, you’re not good for anyone, but someone that is not kind to you when you’re unaware of that does not deserve you on your worst day, let alone on your best.