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I felt bad as a friend was visiting from out of town and I had a hard time focusing on her visit. Too many things running around my head: budgets, blogs, church, etc. I even made her go to church with me while I and others continued our work unpacking from our move. Now don’t get me wrong, this is so about me. I KNOW that I just need to let go and assert my boundaries. But . . . that darn eldest, type-A, Enneagram-3 part of me just wants to keep going and going and going. It is doubly difficult because I so enjoy the interaction that has come into my life because of the whole moderator thing. I love the church I serve. I love volunteering at the school. I love the chaos. Life is pretty good.

But today was one of those days that I felt done with it all. Too many expectations, too many pulls on my life and too many eMails. Now usually I love the pace at which my life has been as of late. My spiritual director once told me that I loved sitting just under the wave. That place where, at any moment, the wave may crash down, but when I am in a groove, I stay just inside it like a surfer riding the tube. Usually I find great joy and life [AKA GOD] in that place. Well after being unplugged for most of today as I sat down to answer the day’s eMail, read blogs and catch up on twitterings, I just wanted to jump off the board and let the wave come on crashing down.

I know that in the midst of all of this, my own expectations of myself get the best of me. YOU all don’t care how quickly I respond to eMails and or blog comments. If I never did, most folks would never notice. My American-ness come as I so often believe my worth comes from what I accomplish, my success and my efficiency. I know in my head that is not the case, but sometimes it is hard to know that in my actions.

And so I sit there feeling the resentment build about my own lack of being able to find my worth in simply being faithful to God’s call on my life . . . none of which has anything to do with the speed in which I respond people.

Then I am reminded by one of the other spiritual directors in my life when she comes running over to me as I am hunched over the laptop feeling obligated.

That just proves that the little things do matter…and that there are miracles that happen everyday of our lives.
And that is my biggest challenge in my faith/life right now: Letting Go and Letting God!
Much Love,
Merissa

Great photo and coloring by your live in spiritual director. I was also pleased to see you reference the enneagram. The enneagram has been one of the most transformative tools in my own life and in my marriage. It has deepened my awareness of my own motivations and has given me greater compassion for people. I’d be interested in hearing about your experience with the enneagram.
Blessings,
John

I can’t think of a better spiritual director…great photo, but an even better drawing…you need to frame that one.

Bruce Reyes-Chow

One of those “consultant” types who spends his time, blogging, teaching, speaking and writing. He also happens to be a Presbyterian Teaching Elder, father to three daughters, smug San Franciscan and FANatic of the Oakland Athletics Baseball club. Thanks for reading.