2 April 2014

THE PROBLEM WITH PRESCHOOL

So for anyone who is a regular reader of this blog you might know that we have been battling with preschool for nearly a year. Start again stop again, tears, tantrums and full on seperation anxiety have been the overbearing factors when talking about preschool. As many of F's peers have breezed through the whole experience we've had four taster sessions each without success and each leaving a trail of destruction in our little boy's eyes.

I naively thought after our initial attempt of leaving him way back in the beginning of 2013, we had cracked it. I sighed with relief at his dry eyes, unaware I was being lulled into a false sense of security, and oblivious of the fallout heading our way. Soon afterwards the sleepless nights started, with F constantly clinging to my leg and freaking out if I leaved the room. He's not ready I exclaimed and promptly pulled him out, pushing back his placement another term hoping this would be the answer. But the anxiety of being away from me didn't end and we struggled through six week of this gorgeous boy turning into a quiet and anxious kid. I felt guilty that I had somehow broken my child, damaging his trust in me. Thankfully he came out the other end of this phase and six months on I hoped he would be ready to try again.

I could not have been more wrong. After trying another taster morning at our chosen preschool, the fall out was greater, lasted longer and was more severe. Not only would he not leave my sight but he was struggling to even stay with those closest to him. My parents would get upset when he would cry at the idea off being left with them, and once or twice he even refused Paul. The night terrors started and we would be up three or four times a night, his appetite diminished and my soothing words could not reach him.

Frantic at what to do I even enlisted the help of the Health Visitors who arranged a home visit to see if they could spot what was triggering his distress. They came and he chatted happily, playing pirates in the house and as I walked them to the door they reassured he was fine, a very bright child who was happy. Then they asked me a question about any traumas he might have suffered when younger, or any sudden change to his routine. The penny dropped, of course! At the end of 2012 I had suffered a significant haemorrhage at home due to retained placenta from my late miscarriage. Looking back it seems ridiculous that I missed this cue, in my eyes he seemed too young to understand what had happened and I thought it would have been soon forgotten.

During the haemorrhage I had been home alone with F who had just turned two, after collapsing through loss of blood I managed to call 999 who immediately dispatched an ambulance and the police. A bit dramatic, but as I was in charge of a minor it seems this is protocol. As I lay on the floor being hooked up to IV's and given gas and air, my poor boy was lying across me wailing. So it seems that the anxiety of being left at preschool was not in fact the school, but a fear that something would happen to me when out of his sight. This tiny person was anxious that he couldn't protect me, his protector, his mama from harm and he was using all his might to stay by my side. Oh how I wish I had seen this sooner and a new guilt set in as I realised how easily a child can be affected by external events.

Armed with this knowledge we started afresh and a whole new game plan was put into play, we worked on leaving him with loved ones and stretching out the length of time away, we set up a leaving routine saying the same words to reassure him, we changed preschools in hopes that fresh faces and a new environment would be a calming influence, and we held our breath and waited.

After four weeks of reassurance, kisses and the patience during his settling in period, I dropped him off at the door where F squeezed me and didn't look back. I waved, all the while wanting to whoop and cry simultaneously, a huge mama triumph under my belt and a massive learning curve achieved.

27 comments

Bless him - so pleased he is settled now and well done you for such amazing patience and persistence in helping discover the source of his anxiety and support him through it. I totally get the double edged feeling of elation and sadness, but this is real progress for him and hopefully he will gain much from preschool :)

I'm so glad things have finally settled down, and I'm really happy that F is settling in well. That all sounds pretty horrific what you (and he) went through, but that does sound like it all fits together and makes sense. ps there's a sweet picture of Theo and F playing together on the parents page! x

Oh bless, until you are going through it (which I haven't yet) you don't realise how stressful this whole process can be for parents and their children. Fingers crossed this positive progress continues. Katie x

Oh wow, glad to read he is doing well now but I can only imagine his trauma back then. I remember the first time I travelled home Emma was only 8 months but after two weeks without daddy he wouldn't leave his side! They do understand a lot, even from a very young age!

Oh bless his little heart, this made me cry (I'm so emotional at the moment). I'm so pleased things are going well now. Cherry has been doing two mornings a week since Sept and we had a few difficult months, a little boy hit her which made her hate it and she cried every time I left, I nearly pulled her out but she loves it now. Asks to stay there forever. It's such a new thing for them but I think they get there eventually x

Wow, I'm so glad things have improved for you all. That must have been a terrifying experience to both of you. It just goes to show, young children are more affected by things than we first realise. F is really lucky to have a mummy who took the time to support him through this & work out what the problem was xxx

Oh my goodness you poor thing and poor little man too. I'm sorry that you and the little one had to go through such a traumatic experience. You know your child and you clearly knew he wasn't ready before and well done for taking small steps with him so that he is now ready, even if there might be a few more tears from you and him x

Wow this is a very moving post and I am sure that you will all get there in the end. It is crazy what they can remember and I think just the trauma of seeing you in pain has been in him even if he doesn't remember exactly why. I know that you will find a way and he will feel supported

wow, you never realise how much of an effect things like that have on children, do you? and sometimes they don't realise themselves, but just know that something has effected them and they can't vocalise it. glad he and you got there in the end!

They are such sensitive little souls. I'm sorry you've all been through this. It sounds like it's been a long road to get here but I'm glad he seems to have settled now. You are clearly a very responsive mother, thinking so carefully about how he's felt about it all rather than just forcing the preschool issue.

It's so easy to miss triggers. We don't always credit our children with knowledge at such a young age but they really are sensitive to everything around them. What a traumatic event your collapse must have been to both you and F. At least you figured out what made him so anxious to leave you and you didn't just keep pushing him to continue pre school until he was ready. You are an amazing mom and have been sensitive to your boys needs and treat him like another human. All too often, I sadly hear parents shouting at their children and telling them to 'shut up or else' or totally ignoring them and their needs.

Thankfully this new breed of parenting will take over the outdated notion that 'children should be seen and not heard', that I was brought up in. Love to you both x