Intelligence Resigned

Universities of the Western World are firing their scientists for defending Intelligent Design, an explanation for the origin of life that doesn’t explain anything. In other words, scientists are getting fired for not being scientists.

It’s no surprise scientists are using their religious beliefs to get out of work—the reason religion was founded in the first place was to get out of doing work.

Think about it. Christianity has Sunday, Judaism has Friday, and Islam, being the touchiest religion, gets more time off than an astronaut’s wife.

They’re all in it together too. If Paul can’t come in on Monday, and Weinstein can’t make it in on Tuesday, and Muhammad is fasting the rest of the week, then let’s just take the whole week off. See you Monday.

And let’s not forget about Sanjay, who believes desiring is evil, so it’s okay for him to spend his life in a bathrobe.

Not to mention all the holidays in between. It’s no coincidence all the major religious celebrations occur at the same time of year. November and December should just be called the “Whatever, Dude” months.

And religious leaders have all been notoriously lazy. Abraham never shaved. Jesus was the original hippie. Mohamed founded the modern University, which is the laziest place ever. Type A personalities usually don’t have bodies like Buddha.

But what makes Intelligent Design unique is a scientist’s religious convictions don’t prevent him from coming in to work, they just prevent him from doing his job correctly. This way, they can get paid while not doing any work.

People like Ben Stein and Glenn Beck assert that firing somebody for not doing their job is a violation of their First Amendment rights. Though a Carl Lewis leap, this is pure genius and an inspiration for perpetual ball scratchers like me.

I’m unemployed, of course, but if I do get a job, I’ll just tell my boss it’s against my religion to be productive, purposeful, or have self-esteem.

So thank you, Intelligent Designers, for lifting the yoke of reality from my shoulders. You may think you’re defending your Christianity, but the battle is much larger than that. You’re defending every lazy and untalented person out there. But, since most lazy and untalented people turn to religion to make their life important, it’s not such a big deal after all.