Sunday, May 06, 2007

The South

Most of you know I live in Savannah. A beautiful city, but definitely in the deep south of the U.S. I moved here from Oklahoma, so the culture shock wasn't as acute as it might have been, but I thought I should post this handy guide to anyone who might be considering a move.

The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight and advice to people moving to the South from The North or anywhere else.

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it by someone.

2. Just because you are able to drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Best stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. 3 men in the cab of a four-wheel drive pick-up with a pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. Their names will be Billy Bob, Virgil,and Roy.

4. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the location of local hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

8. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective; "big ol", as in: big ol truck, or big ol boy, big ol dog etc..

9. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone,directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse yet, that you will ever hear.

11. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.

12. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eatin.

13. The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December to git drug out.

14. If there is the prediction of, or the slightest chance of, or even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is expected at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're spos'ed to do.

15. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house, and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.

16. Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin'!", is, in fact, a valid defense.

So funny! This really brought back memories of my years in NC and TN. I learned early-on not to tell anyone I was from NY because that would identify me as the Devil's Child, so I said I was from Vermont, where I had lived right before moving to the South.

Most of them didn't know where (or what) Vermont was, so it worked out just fine.

You forgot the vehicles on blocks in the front yard, right next to the Satellite dish and in front of the large appliances on the front porch. Otherwise, ah think yew purty much nayelled it.