And what I want is, just at this point in time, something I can't have.

I need Anna, see. She's out of town at the moment (well, she's always
out of town, in relation to me, since she lives in Sweden), so I don't
have any way to communicate with her or smile with her or talk to her
or even write to her. She'll be back in Sweden soon, but it's at times
like these when you have to question the way of the world.

There is nothing more I want than my huntress Anna, the woman who cares
for and caresses my heart, as I do hers (I always seek to keep a burning
curiosity and a pursuit of knowledge, don't get me wrong -- I'm talking
about things and people other than the development and growth of myself).

As you may recall (perhaps painfully by now, after all the swooning and
dreaming I've done in the past), I spent a glorious, perfect week with Anna
for the first time in London. I'd never met her before in real life, but
instantly, we knew something magical was enjoying our presence with us.
We know that our relationship is special, like it is right, like it is
fated to be.

Okay, so Mr. Ben seems to be overtaken by love and he's not thinking
straight, a jaded reader might be crowing, subconsciously. But there have
been signs, uncanny similarities, perfect matches, and various other clues
which have helped our fortuitous first meetings blossom into meshing of
souls, kaleidoscopes of soothing, beautiful colors which bathe the human
spirit inside of both of us. I've thought about all of this with the
information of the participant and, although struggling to do it, with
the rational eye of an observer. There is no doubt in my mind that I love
Anna for all of her. There is no doubt in my mind that she is who I want
and she is who I want to share my life with.

It was less than a week, actually. Plane trips take a lot of time out of
your itinerary. But the few days we had together were enough to trigger
a whole adjustment of my philosophy and perspective. Anna is truly amazing.
Not just amazing in the sense that I'm in love with her and she is a
perfect match for me. She's amazing for who she is. I seriously don't
know how such a motivated, gorgeous, intelligent woman ever ended up with
me, the man voted most likely by his Web peers to never allow anyone to
love him. (Lance, for your information, was voted most likely to never
want to love someone, and was not nominated in my category.) I'll come
back to that last sentence later. I think I do understand why we met and
why we were so well-matched for each other.

That shortened week went by faster than I've ever had a week go by in my
life. Her face, her body, her razor-sharp tongue, her kiss... The flight
back was painful. My heart tried to collaborate with my mind to
desperately think of ways to delay my going back home. But my mind, which
was sad as well and wished to stay with its equal, in Anna, knew that the
week was over and that it was time to go home. My body was left confused
and it remained that way for a very long time, the touches of Anna's hand
and her lips still fooling my body into thinking she is with me.

Every part of me misses Anna. It isn't a depression, really. It's the
sense of knowing I'll eventually get to see Anna again, but wanting her
right now, right in my arms. It's a
feeling like I'm being kept from her, that there's something I
could do to be with her, but I haven't thought about it long
enough. It's a feeling like every experience in my life turns into a
"how wonderful it would be if Anna and me were doing this, instead of it
being just myself doing this alone" sort of thing. I feel incomplete.
I feel like other people and other couples have it better than I do right
now. I'm not bitter or angry or trying to place guilt. I'm actually quite
happy. I share love with the woman I've always dreamed of, and we both
think about each other constantly. I feel alone sometimes, without
Anna's sweet-smelling body safe in the warmth of my embrace.

I shouldn't feel alone. Anna and I will get to talk often until we meet
again, which I'm hoping comes sooner than the new year will. <ahem>
The Internet is the best substitute for being without physical presence.
We get to share our love, feelings, experiences, and other parts of our
lives with each other through a connection only we can take a part of
(don't give me that hacking nonsense ;) ). But it's just not the same,
and it makes us sad sometimes, which is allowable. We'd rather be with
each other, spending the whole day together, truly being one couple,
as...it should be.

One comes to start thinking about why it turns out this way, that the
perfect love remains kept apart physically. Religion came about over
these sorts of disputes inside the mind. It's quite obvious to us, and
to others close to us, and even to complete strangers that we were made
for each other. We're so similar, so understanding of each other, so...so
who made us? What made us? Why were we made so compatible for each other,
brought together even though we live a whole ocean apart, and why were we
brought together in our educational stage, the main factor which keeps us
apart? Is it because we had finally developed enough to be ready for
each other? Who decides and who watches? Why do they care? Was a wish
we both made at the same time granted? Do compatible souls always meet
in their current incarnations through fate? I don't believe in the
Christian notion of religion, or any of its various sects, but I have to
believe in some sort of judge, conscious or not, which decides how people
will be treated fairly and justly.

I have to believe that someone or something out there, whether it's just
a dead ancestor or an omnipotent god, is looking out for me, making sure
I get what I deserve.

Most of getting what I deserve is my responsibility and I receive little
to no help in that quest. But there are times when what I deserve is
unreachable to me, and that's when I think my hard work pays off. Anna
and I believe in the Internet for its infinite possibilities and
opportunities, and that belief inspired us to learn more about the 'Net,
and more about the Web, and through the Web we met. I can't explain it,
I guess. But there's no other way to account for how my life has
developed. How would I meet a woman of such a personality, drive, and
beauty that is unmatched if there were greater forces involved? How
would I ever meet a woman who lives in Sweden (yet speaks perfect English)
when I live in the States, unless it was meant to be? How...well, I could
go on and on. How likely could it be that this was just a meeting brought
on solely by our pursuits of the same goal, with no divine intervention or
spinning of the Fates' yarn? That is entirely a possibility, but I enjoy
thinking about whether Anna and me have a protector and why that protector
has been assigned for us.

I've decided that the stoic sort of philosophy is the one best employed
to handle this physical separation between Anna and me. We've worked all
our lives and have been given a taste of the succulent nectar of love in
store for us as long as we keep working hard. We were able to see how
we loved each other in real life, and it turned out, in London, that we
are indeed perfect for each other. We have months of school to get through
before we are allowed to spend more time close to each other. We have
years of school to get through before we are allowed to share our lives
together...together.

Hard work is rewarded. Believing in something is rewarded. The world
isn't all bad, as many would say. Truly beautiful things do exist. You
have to work hard to keep beautiful things like love vibrant and thriving
with life. You have to believe in beautiful things like love or else they
won't show themselves to you. You must...you absolutely must...believe
that what you are doing is what you want to do and what you need to do,
and never just do something only for yourself.