Welcome back my friends to the recaps that never end! In this episode of Orange Is The Season 2 Has Been Out For Three Months Whoops Whoops Whoops, Piper gets to leave Litchfield for 48 hours! Woo!!! Let’s see if it’s everything she hoped for:

Sorry, Cal, it’s just so much bending, so much coughing.

After a reminder to visit Red’s shop and pretty awesome bend-over-and-cough, she’s released straight into the loving arms of Cal, whom I just adore so much in this episode. He’s such a doofy dude.

It’s going to take four courses of delish food to make us like you again.

Red is buying a lot of cooking ingredients at the commissary, FORESHADOWING ALERT. She tells Nicky to invite all of the former White Ladies group to dinner in the secret clubhouse/greenhouse for a Jane Austen Book Club reunion or possibly Fight Club, depending on how everyone is feeling about Red these days.

Here’s my number, I’m super into inmates these days, so.

Guess who is baaaack? Pornstache struts on down the hallway, which is just so fucked up I can’t put it into words. I mean, the word that immediately come to mind are “toxic masculinity,” but you know. He starts writing shots immediately, power tripping the fuck out. This isn’t going to go well. Bennett busts into Caputo’s office and questions the legality of Pornstache’s presence, just like me, just like you, just like us all!

It hurts me RIGHT HERE, Caputo. IN MY HEART SPACE.

Caputo tells Bennett that he needs to be “up to the task,” so now Bennett gets to be on edge for the whole episode, trying to give out more shots. IT’S TIME TO MAN UP! Gross.

Healy, for ten seconds, can we just stop talking about boobs. Ten seconds.

Healy is is in psychotherapy, frustrated with work and his poor mail-order bride. His therapist talks him through some anger issues and remains patient even after he screams at her. Better you than me, therapist lady.

I thought they made Soso take a shower? Why does it still smell like ass in here?

Nicky is at an AA (NA?) meeting, talking about how glad she is to be sober, so you know this is about to be a giant bummer. Vee sits in the back reading The Fault In Their Stars like she has some kind of heart when really she’s like a lion stalking a gazelle. Also the way she’s made Suzanne her pet is so disturbing and interesting and I love this show. Vee offers the book to Rosa, who is basically just like “Fuck you.” Oh my gosh, Vee, you can’t just talk to people about their cancer like that! Then Vee tries to walk out of the meeting with Nicky, all chummy, much to Red’s stalkery dismay. Nicky’s not having it, though, don’t worry. If Nicky is the gazelle in this metaphor, she’s like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Gazelle or something tough. I don’t know, this analogy is falling apart. NEXT!

Aw, Bennett, you think you still have any power here? That’s so cute.

Red goes to Gloria to “unburden” Gloria of Red’s goods. Gloria wants the rest of her shit, but before we can learn more, Bennett busts on in to tell Red to get out of the kitchen. She tells him he’s going to make a great father. Ha! Red – 1, Bennet – 0.

I’m just really into dental hygiene, okay?!

We get Red flashbacks this episode! It’s the Mis-Adventures of Young Red and Young Vee, like The Muppet Babies but with more racial tension. Red makes the mistake of opening up to Vee (NOOOOOOO RED NOOOOO) and telling her that on the outside, she used the same vendor that’s in the prison. Vee immediately sees an opportunity, but Red seems all doe-eyed and naive. Certainly this will end well for everyone involved.

Daya and Bennett argue in the broom closet while she’s giving him a handjob. Daya defends Pornstache because of toxic masculinity, and we all collectively dry-heave over literally every aspect of this scene.

Hansen is the former DIY & Food Editor of Autostraddle.com and likes to spend most days making and cooking and writing. She teaches creative writing at Colorado State University and is pursuing a Masters of Fine Arts in her free time.

11 Comments

Wait. I just read the first paragraph and had to stop. I thought it was mandatory for these recaps to begin with the disclaimer that you are not the regular recapper. No? Doesn’t matter. I love your writing, Hansen, so back to reading.

There isn’t a “regular recapper” right now — different recappers are taking on each episode of this season, which is why you’ll notice other episodes have been done by such luminaries as Mal Blum and our own Lizz!

So I’ve always been kind of indifferent about Piper (nothing really against her, just more interested in pretty much all the other prisoners on the show) – but I loved the bit where she scolds Larry for ‘defending his boner’. That made me like her more. And I agree that the bathroom conversation was a high point in terms of the Larry/Piper snoozefest story arc.

I’m actually really digging Piper this season. I know I’m probably going to get a lot of hate for this but I prefer her and Alex apart. I like her independent and I’ve also been really enjoying that the hardened, sarcastic version of her instead of the whiny annoying girl that she was last season. I also really like that we get to see other characters. Less Piper is more Piper in my opinion.

Honestly all I can think about with this episode is that finally and mercifully the Larry and Piper relationship is over! That fact almost made the gross bathroom scene bearable. My only other thought is why oh why couldn’t Piper have gone to see Alex in Queens? But don’t want to nitpick so I’ll just take my happiness at Larry and Piper being over and not be too greedy 🙂

Don’t usually take stock in online quizzes, but shit long haired Red here is like 7 year old me. It’s almost as heartbreaking as what Vee’s doing to Suzanne.
I think I’m going to stick to reading these recaps rather than watching this season. It’s like elementary school all over again, cept this time I can’t protect the kids with the more severe disabilities from the assholes with rocks. 🙁