5/09/2016

Can Donald Trump Ever Not Be a Total Cunt? An Investigation With an Obvious Conclusion

(Note: Yeah, yeah, oh, our stars and garters, "cunt" is a terrible word. But if you think about a vagina when someone calls someone else a "cunt," then you're just fuckin' weird. Same goes if you think of a throbbing penis when someone is called a "dick." Word meanings change according to context, you pedantic twats.)

This morning on CNN's show with the title that could be Canadian softcore porn (Nude, Eh?), host Chris Cuomo was interviewing presumptive GOP presidential nominee (pause to swallow vomit) Donald Trump. As per his usual way, Trump was on the phone, more than likely as a small Puerto Rican child combed his pubes in order to pluck out the gray ones. Cuomo started the interview, as one does, with a statement leading into a question. He brought up Trump's attacks on Hillary Clinton as an "enabler" of President Bill Clinton's affairs. "What's your thinking on this line of attack?" Cuomo asked.

Trump could have easily swatted this aside and moved on to his usual incomprehensible stream of dumb-consciousness about who is terrible, who he loves, and how great Trump is. But, see, Donald Trump is a cunt, and, as a cunt, any perceived slight must be dealt with immediately, otherwise what's the good in being a cunt? So instead, Trump acted like a hurt 13 year-old who didn't get enough likes on her cute outfit she posted to Instagram. The candidate for president of one of the two major parties responded, "Well, this is a nice way to start off the interview. First of all, you should congratulate me for having won the race. I thought, you know, at least there would be a small congratulations, but I'm not surprised with CNN, because that's the way they treat Trump. It's the, you know, they call it the Clinton network and I believe that." Cuomo tried to defend himself, pointing out that he had congratulated Trump "the last time we spoke," but Trump continued, "You’re starting out with a question, we haven’t spoken, last week, towards the end, I was essentially the nominee of the party and you start off with this question which is not surprising, because, I understand CNN perhaps a lot better than you do."

In other words, Chris Cuomo, you did not kneel before Trump when he expected kneeling. You did not cradle his balls in your warm, wet mouth when he demanded they be cradled. It's what the media has done so far. Why wouldn't he expect it to continue?

Essentially, during this last week (or nearly a week) since he was beatified by the voters of the Republican Party, Trump has been on a rampage of threats and score-settling. His appearances and statements since he won the Indiana primary and chased out his last two rivals have been a breathtaking display of cuntistry.

For instance, check out his response to South Carolina Senator and a man who faces a difficult choice when he needs to take a piss at Target, Lindsey Graham. Graham said he wouldn't support Trump, who he thinks is a dangerous idiot who will get us all killed. Trump's campaign issued a statement from their candidate telling Graham to go fuck himself with a corn cob: "Every time I see Lindsey Graham spew hate during interviews I ask why the media never questions how I single-handedly destroyed his hapless run for President." First off, how does that make sense? Trump wants a reporter to ask Graham, "How did Mr. Trump single-handedly destroy your hapless run for President?" And, love or hate Graham, the man has spent a shit-ton of time thinking about military issues, so maybe his lack of support for Trump has more to do with shit he knows than being beaten by all the other Republicans. Trump didn't "single-handedly" (or "tiny-handedly") beat Graham. He suspended his campaign in December 2015, before a single vote was counted, when most of the candidates were still in the race. There were many hands beating off Graham.

But because Donald Trump is a dumb cunt, he had to say something dumb and cunty: "Judging by the incompetent way he ran his campaign, it is easy to see why his military strategies have failed so badly-we can’t even beat ISIS!" Putting aside the exclamation point, the backwards ball cap of punctuation, Lindsey Graham ain't the fuckin' Commander-in-Chief. He doesn't have any military strategies that he can put into operation. It's another time that Trump has shown a basic misunderstanding of how the government works. Or, more likely, he doesn't give a tossed monkey shit about learning it.

And, because Trump is a power-mad cunt, he had to end with something power-mad and cunty: "While I will unify the party, Lindsey Graham has shown himself to be beyond rehabilitation. And like the voters who rejected him, so will I!" Putting aside the exclamation point, the punctuation mark of anxious, sugar-speeding children, what the fuck is Trump saying? Will there be "rehabilitation"? Will it happen in camps? And if you're "rejected" and cannot be rehabilitated, will Chairman Trump-Mao send you to work in a mine in Mongolia?

Yes, obviously, from his petty slap fights with TV hosts to his outright contempt for those in his party who oppose him, Donald Trump is a total cunt. He's got cunt sons, a staff of cunts, a cuntish life, cunty points of view, and the decorating taste of an abject cunt. And any voter or politician who says they will support him in any way is a cunt, too.