Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Idle thumbs

Well. After a truly horrible day at work yesterday repleat with a never ending stream of irritating, tiresome incoming phone calls, today came as a blessing. It was quiet enough for me to sit twiddling my double-jointed thumbs while flicking through ancient non-work emails. Including this one from 20th February 2003:Want to try something new and exciting to do? Why not initiate an office dare system, however to do it properly only you are allowed to know the dare. Sound confusing? Well read on..........ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.2) Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you. I've done this one, but only because I don't like the people that greeted me.4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."Done this one, too.5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over yourhead.6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way". 8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.9) While riding a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. And this one.THREE-POINTS DARES1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers. Yep. This too.2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting. I think everybody's done this.FIVE POINT DARES1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob". Now, I have done this, but only because bloody Bob was talking at me for at least an hour!4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".5) After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent - As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift. 7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!".8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."9) In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?".11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk. Here's another one I've done.16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door. 19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts. And if that wasn't enough for you here is some examples of insane acts you can use anywhere...1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.2) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.4) Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.6) In the subject field for all your e-mails, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS".7) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."8) Don't use any punctuation9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."12) Sing along at the opera.13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling,"Run for your lives, they're loose!"And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....19) Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.There. How did you like that? By my reckoning, I've scored a total of 19 points. How did you do?

11 comments:

Thank you, this made my day, especially the ones about doing stuff at meetings. I hate meetings, and we just had one with a conference call. Next time I'm gonna think of those and hopefully do some. Like the French accent, mon.

I have to cast my mind back to the time when I actually worked in an office. Ok, here goes:

11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

That one doesn't count, but is the height of comedy.

5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over yourhead.

To be fair, that was a call sign for the nice man in the department next door to come and save me from the acting team leader who was regaling me with stories about how awesome the Lord of the Rings Trilogy was going to be.

He wore velcro shoes.

7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

My zippers have a habit of falling down - the perils of losing and gaining weight and not affording new pants. I usually say something more smutty though.

Velcro shoes did that to me with my mouse. He thought I had taken his mouse. This coincided with an interoffice PM on my screen from nice man in glaring red letters "JUST IN CASE YOUR WEREN'T AWARE THE BORG CUBICLE HAS LANDED OVER YOUR CUBICLE" The letters were in large, massive font. Velcro shoes saw it, and was confused.

*sigh* I miss nice man. He was nice. Not into chicks though. Which is most likely why we zeroed in on each other.

18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

19? Pah. They should have had some items about teasing people in velcro shoes.

"19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts. "

At one of the hell holes I used to work, one of my coworkers and I used to do this...except the toy figures represented the coworkers and clients we couldn't stand...and the toy figures were actually voodoo dolls...and it was fun sticking pins in them.

Explicator

We are a witch. I say 'We are' because there are four of us in this one body. Although, technically, only two of us are proper witches: myself, Inexplicable DeVice, and my SubConscious. The other two are witches by proxy: The Host (who shall remain nameless due to the nature of his work) who supplies his body for interaction in the physical world, and his SubConscious - a stubborn and contrary piece of work if ever I shared a body with one. Together, we are a formidable foe with various collectable accessories (all sold separately. Contents and colour may vary. Not suitable for children under the age of 3. No, 5. Actually, make that 8. Oh sod it, 16. And that's my final offer). Now bugger off. I'm busy!