Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Day 95- A Life of Regrets?

I’m going to take a pause from my last two blogs in order to address a point that has come up in the form of the beginnings of a migraine. I have recently spoken with people who have done self-forgiveness through migraines until they were gone. I have been doing self-forgiveness out loud all day when I’ve had a chance, like in the car or in my house when I’m alone, and it seems to be working, because although the migraine came mighty close- it never happened. But I can still feel it lingering behind my temples, and all the symptoms of sensitivity to lights, nausea and a throbbing sensation are here, so, I wanted to look into and forgive the thoughts that have been coming up in relation to the pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within my relationships to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself within relationships, for fear of being judged, humiliated, belittled, ridiculed, made fun of and/or rejected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged, belittled, humiliated, ridiculed, made fun of and rejected, within the belief that, if any one of these things were to happen to me, or if another did any of these things unto me, that it would be true and be who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that anyone has the power to ‘make’ me feel these ways except me, and that I do it as a defense mechanism of the mind as ego, which creates experiences to protect itself and the characters I have created myself as, which have a built-in self-preservation technique that create fears within me whenever my ego, beliefs, personalities or characters are challenged, wherein I end up either outwardly becoming angry, or inwardly suppressing myself and compromising myself to everything outside of myself, slowly transforming myself over time into something I don’t even recognize, only to realize that I have not been living.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to express myself freely and fearlessly, nor accepted or allowed myself to truly experience myself as Life in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that fears and resistance always indicate and opportunity for me to push through and change and grow, wherein, each time I am confronted by something I fear or am resistant towards, it is a window of opportunity showing me that I am protecting something of myself, and giving me the opportunity to realize that I do not require protection, because Who I Am is Life, and life cannot be ridiculed, belittled, humiliated, made fun of, judged or rejected, because Life is here absolute, and as I stand as the Life that I am, I too stand as that absoluteness to which we are all a part of, if only we would each and every one of us take the opportunity to become it, instead of suppressing ourselves within and as fear and self-compromise, or bursting out in anger at and blame at those around us.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am in control because I make these things real by reacting to them, and in reacting to them I am making the statement that ‘yes’, that is who/what I am by giving it my energy and confirmation, and so even by simply fearing these things, and changing my behaviours due to that fear, I am confirming them as acceptable and allowable within and as me, instead of breathing through that fear and not participating within and as it, and directing myself to stop and return to here, out from the mind and grounded firmly Here, in living reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged, ridiculed, made fun of, belittled, rejected and humiliated within relationships with others because I have held on to the memories of past experiences where this in fact happened, and instead of realizing in those moments that only I decide what I accept/allow within me, I abdicated that self-responsibility to the automatic programs of the mind, and I reacted as if it were true and ‘who I was’ because of the emotional experience that accompanied it, wherein I trusted that experience as real, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it was an experience that I could have stopped in an instant, thus proving it was not real, and not who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sacrifice myself as life and living, to compromise, fear and suppression for the sake of ego, causing me to be an absolute slave to ego, just as so many human beings are today: slaves to the egos of those who have more, to those who can afford the pursuit of their own happiness while the rest slave away in the background. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the existence of such slavery within and as me, as that which exists in this world exists within each one of us to differing degrees.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise, belittle, ridicule, make fun of, reject and judge others for the protection and sake of my own ego, wherein, even as a young child I would perpetuate these things, as children can be the most vicious, and instead of teaching ourselves and our children how to take self-responsibility for the thoughts, feelings and emotions we experience within us, we accept and allow them to perpetuate it, as we do, over and over throughout our lives, instead of ever actually living and treating each other and ourselves with the integrity required to live as equals. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to treat myself with dignity and respect in every moment, but have instead looked to be treated this way by others in order to prove to myself that I deserve it, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that Life is a Gift of Grace that has been given to us all unconditionally, and so it is up to each one to decide to treat each self as Life with the dignity and respect that all Life deserves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise life in any way for the sake of ego/energy/mind.

Memories:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory of 2nd grade, when a group of girls collected together and when one said I was the ugliest girl in the class and then encouraged the others to agree, which they eventually did, and within me, in that moment I felt belittled, humiliated, judged, made fun of and rejected, and instead of stopping these reactions as what they were-fleeting energetic reactions- I held on to them and feared them to happen again, and developed personalities and characters in order to protect myself and avoid ever feeling these things again. And then, when events would inevitably come up again, I would bring this memory back up so as to confirm it to myself that what others say about me is true, especially when it is agreed upon in a group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to replay that moment within me, the time between when the girl made the statement, till she got the others to agree, wherein I felt like in that moment, my fate was in their hands, not realizing I was waiting for someone to stick up for me, and when no one did, I felt hurt, disappointed and let down, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I could have stood up for myself, and let go of the whole thing in one breath. But instead:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have built relationships around this fear that the others will hurt me, disappoint me and let me down, and that I am not safe because at any moment, someone can hurt me, disappoint me, or let me down, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I hurt, disappointed and let myself down by not standing up for me.

Memory 2:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory in 5th grade when a boy made fun of me in front of my best friend, and because of the presence of my best friend I was even more embarrassed than had I been alone, but instead of staying quiet, I stuck up for myself because my friend was there, and I didn’t want her to see me that way. And I quite effectively stood up in that moment. But,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it would have been that easy to stand up for myself each time, but I hadn’t really stood up for myself as life, I had stood up for my ego being bruised in front of my best friend, thus the lesson never stuck , but I’ve hung on to the memory because I’ve charged it with fear and embarrassment, instead of having changed in that moment and let the memory go, I accepted/allowed myself to continue not standing up for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the memory of being made fun of and sticking up for myself out of fear exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constantly bring this memory up throughout my life, as proof that I can’t stick up for myself, because according to the memory- even when I stick up for myself, it is fear-based.I commit myself to stand up for myself as life.

I commit myself to treat myself with the dignity, respect and integrity of Life that I am.

I commit myself to never again confirm or validate myself as being belittled, humiliated, judged, made fun of, rejected or mocked.

I commit myself to never again let myself down by not standing up or speaking up out of fear.

I commit myself to support myself to stand up as Life.

I commit myself to always be there for me. When and as I am feeling myself being attacked, humiliated, rejected, made fun of, judged, or belittled, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness by reminding myself that only I validate and confirm these experiences within me, thus if I decide not to- then they do not get to exist. I remind myself that only ego gets bruised and that there is nothing of me that I cannot expose and laugh at without having it ‘make me less’. However, when and as I see that I require being defended, I stop, and I breathe, and I allow myself to step up for me, to step through the fear and speak from common sense, as what I know is true: Life cannot ever be made less than what it is, Life can never be diminished.

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About Me

Hi, my name is Kimberly Kline (nee Doubt). I stand for an Equal Money System- I stand for a dignified life for all beings and I will no longer accept or allow this system of human greed and self-interest that is causing suffering, starvation and abuse for the masses. Every 'solution' we have tried so far has failed- from the United Nations to the United Church. Individual self-change and leadership by example is where it's at. I humbly commit myself to this process and invite anyone who has respect for Life to join me and walk with me, beside me, as self-willed equals, until all are free from the global compromise humanity has created for itself.
Join Desteni for further discussions about world systems and humanity's place within them. Visit Desteni.org and Equalmoney.org.