Monday, September 6, 2010

Numinous time before birth of my granddaughters

I feel as if I am in a numinous space and time, waiting for my granddaughters to be born (yes girl twins, natural and fraternal-sororal, if you ask! due now). I see them in my daughter-in-law's belly and feel them move and kick . " There's the butt, there's one head, there's the other head!" Anticipation is delicious in a certain way.

But they are not here yet, even though they are alive and kicking! And I do not have the physical, embodied relationship with them, that I had with my two children. So I am not sure how I feel, but the feeling is intense and moving. When they come into this realm, I will be immediately different too, a grandmother. Our relationship will be immutable, unchangeable, and there are very few unchangeable things in this world. I cannot even call their names, and I cannot know who they will look like.

It is such a transition time, germinating, not really fallow, but yes, they are seeds that have been growing in the dark, protective womb of their mother. Right now all that they need and their potential life story is contained and held. Somehow their spark of life happened, through love, I believe. But there is the biology of it too, that manifests this mysterious life force. And this biology can be effected by outside forces, not by the conscious will of their mother, not by any truly rational choices of our culture and influenced by place and time.

I believe this changeable biology creates a responsibility on me, because I would never want an action that I do to harm my grandchildren. But I know I have done harmful things and continue to do them. I realize that how I live on this earth is what my granddaughters will inherit. I understand that my relationship with my all-encompassing Mother Earth somehow is immutable too, just like my relationship with my granddaughters. And I feel that my Mother Earth, who holds and nurtures and feeds me is beneficent. She would not want to harm either, yet she accepts what is happening to her, with involuntary surrender.

I understand that I hurt my environment with my choices or ignorance. And those choices invade my daughter-in-law's body and my grandchildren's development. This is not right on so many levels, perhaps that is why this is such an emotional time for me. I am so close to the effects of my actions being exhibited in my granddaughters. Yes, that is it.

I am conscious of the delicate dance with my daughter-in-law of being helpful, not pushy, supportive but not being a know-it-all; understanding that I have a unique relationship with these as yet unborn creatures, that confers a particular joy and responsibility that only I have. Perhaps if I keep this numinous space in my awareness, I will better understand what I can do to help my earth and my grandchildren. Then when the embodied birth happens, like my granddaughters very physical appearance in this realm, I will also realize and do what is real in this world to help all my relations and my sustaining mother earth.