Come Join the Anti-Haugen Underground

New guidelines set down by the international community during the fifth Geneva Convention this week has extensively defined the basic, spiritual wartime rights of the Church Militant by outlawing all Marty Haugen music used in and around war-zones. What is officially being called The Geneva Convention relative to the Protection of Parishioners in Times of Spiritual War has become the fifth convention establishing the standards on international law for the humanitarian treatment of spiritual war. “Our new resolution states that all Catholics who are in the process of spiritual warfare are to be treated humanely,” Said General of the Counsel Robert Durant at a press conference earlier this morning. “The following acts are to be henceforth prohibited: Violence to life and person, in particular, cruel treatment and torture by means of being made to listen to Gather Us In. Outrages upon personal dignity, in particular humiliating and degrading treatment such as asking parishioners to sing along to We Remember. And finally, all acts requiring parishioners to listen to said music during the reception of communion.”

I almost soiled myself when I read this cheeky piece of satire. The schadenfreude was delicious since every week I have to endure the sonic torture that emanates from the Gory & Praise Hymn Book. Why, I ask myself incredulously, do Catholic Churches continue to inflict the faithful with awful dreck from the pen of a man who admits many Catholics consider as “personally responsible for destroying Roman Catholic worship”. I mean Haugen is not even Catholic. We have almost 2,000years of musical heritage to draw upon for our liturgies and we wind up singing “We remember, we celebrate, we BELIEVE!” The worst part is that this insidious music reverberates in your head for days afterward like some musical virus.

So delighted with the possibility that a musical counter-revolution might be underway I spent a little time researching the anti-Haugen underground. To my surprise, I found this underground is extensive and growing. There is even a Society for a Moratorium on the Music of Marty Haugen and David Haas ! I for one am glad the counter-revolution is off to a good start. We will continue to gather furtively at night planning the rebellion by candlelight and twitter and we will keep our eyes on the prize. Our new revolutionaries will need adequate training and education. Here are a few resources they can use:

One of the reasons Haugen has managed to wreak such havoc over the years is that the Oregon Catholic Press (better known as the regime) has aided and abetted this mischief. For a full run down by J.A. Tucker see here.