How To Kill Your Lawn

September 4, 2015

This manual is designed for the novice yard killer; we’ve found that when you approach an expert lawn destroyer they can become a bit testy. I’ve put together a number of categories for you to choose from, or if you’re feeling really bold, you can sample from each.

The first way is the easiest; simply never ever water your lawn. Unfortunately, during some parts of the year lawn death may occur too fast, depriving you of a long torturous decline.

The second way is to over water; this is a popular choice for those that have an automated sprinkler system. Set your system to water every day; I know what you’re thinking, “but plants need water”. Well, what we’re accomplishing here is reducing the root system; fertilizer will be rinsed past those roots foraging for nutrition, weakening its stress resistance and turning it into a water addict. You’ll know it’s working, when you start to see the turf losing color and the appearance of diseases such as large patch and grey leaf spot. As an added benefit, dollar weed and who doesn’t like lily pads? Please note: watering during a gator gusher, palmetto pounder, gulley washer or frog choker is just showing off.

The third way is to over fertilize. You’ll trick your lawn AND your neighbors into thinking that you care, but we know it’s just a clever ruse. What’s actually happening is that you’re attracting insects like chinch bugs, sod webworms and grubs, plus providing them with a nice place to live in all that wonderful thatch. If you want, you can combine this with the second method, that way you’ll be flushing all that fertilizer down into the aquifer and that’ll really make people who care about the environment hot mad!

The fourth way is to mow too short. This hampers the grasses ability to photosynthesize making it struggle for life and allowing weed seeds to germinate. What you’ll get is a wide variety of weeds, real diversity, after all, you don’t judge.

Lastly, mow infrequently with a dull blade. This will give a tattered appearance to the grass and leave big piles of cuttings to kill spots in the yard, giving you that highly desirable impact crater look.

We hope this guide proves useful; you’ll be the talk of the neighborhood.