They Always Come Back

I had three short-lived online relationships the past year and a half that didn’t really go anywhere. After the last break up, I decided I was going to stop online dating for awhile, just do my own thing, and not put so much pressure on myself to be in a relationship. I called it getting my “mojo” back. I met a cute guy and had a one night stand. I had dates and flirtations with guys I met through friends or out about town. I was having fun.I also reconnected with a guy I went on a date with from online a few months prior. We had a nice date but he made it clear he was only looking for something casual. Since that wasn’t what I was looking for at the time I didn’t return his texts. When I texted him a few months later to ask if he wanted to meet for drinks he agreed and we actually spent 4 hours at the bar laughing and talking. I’d never been in a casual sex/NSA type of thing before but I decided to give it a shot. And I also knew that if I did this I had to do it the right way and try not to get emotionally invested and be very rational about the whole thing. I am pretty sure he is sleeping with other women but I refused to ever ask or question if he is with other women.

We started out very casual and would see each other once or twice a week and he would text consistently but mostly about hooking up. And I mostly left the texting up to him. I would rarely initiate and if I had something else going on, I wouldn’t see him. Then I felt things start to change a little. He ramped up his texting to numerous times a day to just talk or banter, he started asking me to sleep over, he was very cuddly, he would want me to stay and hang out and watch movies or we would go get food together,we could talk for hours about just random stuff and just laugh and laugh, and he would always talk about next time….

One night I was coming home from the bar and I texted him to see if he was still up. He texted me back and said he was out of town visiting friends. Then he texted me telling me how sweet and beautiful I am. Not his usual type of text. I asked what was going on. And he called me. He was pretty wasted and he just kept going on about how much he likes me and he was glad I texted him because it shows I like him. Since he was so drunk it was just a rambling conversation. He called back 15 mins later to just talk again and I asked about the town he was visiting–I said I hadn’t been there in awhile–and he said next time I’ll take you with me. He texted me throughout the whole weekend and when he got back.He wanted to see me right away but I couldn’t because I had to work late. I saw him the next day but I got to his place really late because a friend needed my help with something and I could tell he was a little upset. We never brought up the phone calls. And we were a little awkward and I was a little mean. I regret being a little mean but it came out before I could help it. The next day he texted and I made a joke about the night before and I could tell he got a little upset and our texts started dwindling a little. He told me he was going out of town for work for two weeks. My friends convinced me to go back online. Within a day of going back online he texted me and said so you are back online and I said yes. And he got a bit nasty via text. I stopped responding because I didn’t want to engage in a stupid battle.

A few days later he texted and asked where I was hiding. I said I felt our last convo got out of hand and it was pointless to continue our pointless argument. He apologized and said he had been drinking. He was still out of town and out texts picked back up again. Just normal funny conversation. He got back into town last week and I went to see him. We started kissing and he was just really nervous and he couldn’t get it up. I asked what was going on. And he said he has started to have feelings for me, he feels emotional with me, he can’t just have unemotional sex with me. I asked if he wants to have emotional sex. He said no because he is afraid HE will like it too much. that I don’t fit into his plan of fucking around for a few more years. I knew he had gotten out of a 5.5 year relationship 1.5 years earlier. And he told me his plan was to play around for a few more years and then wake up and get married. He kept telling me–you don’t fit into my plan. Then he kept saying how scared he is of what is going on between us and he is scared of hurting me. But he is so confused because our connection is so good and real. That he gets me. I asked if he wanted to give dating a shot and he said he is scared he can’t live up to being a good boyfriend to me. But he doesn’t want to lose me and wants me in his life. Blah Blah Blah. We were going in circles. And I had to go and he had to go meet a client. I said we need to finish this conversation. Don’t blow me off. He promised he wouldn’t.

Of course he did. I texted the next day and asked if he wanted to meet. He said he can’t because he is going to be with another girl (he didn’t word it as nicely) and said see? I’d be a terrible guy to date seriously. This text from him did not surprise me at all. My friends were shocked at how crude he was but knowing his personality and what he said the day before, I saw it coming. I called him out on being a wimp. He laughed, said I was funny and said he would like to see me this weekend. I said let me know when works for you and I’ll try but my patience is wearing thin. There has been no contact now since. I refuse to contact him.

The thing is if he isn’t ready to be date me then I need to walk away. I don’t want to just be his friend. Especially, after he opened this can of worms and addressed our connection. BUT something niggling in the back of my head worrying me that this may all just be some mind fuck. But I don’t see what he is getting out of it. If he is messing with my mind, what is he getting out of it? If I stop all contact, he can’t mess with me….So I think he is being honest. But I just wanted an opinion on if I am being manipulated here….And if so, why….

Thanks!!!

I don’t know if you’re being manipulated. Manipulation requires a level of intelligence and self-awareness. This guy just sounds …stupid. He does and says things never really thinking about the repercussions. He just acts or reacts with little regard to how things will play out. He just likes to watch the fall out.

Within a day of going back online he texted me and said so you are back online and I said yes.

And how exactly did he know this? Because he was online, too? Oh, okay. Then it makes total sense that he would be “upset” by your decision to do the same. Think that through. Does that sound rational? Of course not. He saw an opportunity to mess with you, so he took it. I’m sure he had a good excuse as to how he found that out, too. One that in now way implicates him for doing the exact same thing you’re doing.

Then he kept saying how scared he is of what is going on between us and he is scared of hurting me. But he is so confused because our connection is so good and real. That he gets me.

What script was he reading? No man says things like this. This is the type of thing you hear in a movie. Again, this guy just seems like a dope in love with the sound of his own voice. A childish, unintelligent, overwhelmingly unimpressive dope. He’s feeding you lines, hon.

I asked if he wanted to give dating a shot and he said he is scared he can’t live up to being a good boyfriend to me. But he doesn’t want to lose me and wants me in his life.

This is the only thing out of his mouth I believe. I believe he doesn’t want to lose you in that he doesn’t want to lose the attention you provide.

BUT something niggling in the back of my head worrying me that this may all just be some mind fuck.

It is. But until you accept that and stop telling yourself it’s anything more, he’ll still be able to suck you back in. You will never change him, nor will he ever admit to doing anything wrong. He will be back. Trust me. They always come back. They do something to trigger a response. They might even make something up with the intention of grabbing your attention. He’ll come back around and say something with the intention of getting you all flustered, you’ll engage him, he’ll be sated and he’ll go away until the next bout of boredom or need for drama hits him. They’re like 16 year old girls, right down to how they fight. No matter what you say or do, they will only hear what they want to hear. So either tell him what he wants to hear so he’ll go away or don’t engage him at all.

These guys literally all take their cues from the same handbook. That’s why I say that men like this aren’t smart enough to be cunning or manipulative. They just find (sorry)a really vulnerable woman or naive simpleton and make them their audience. That’s their level. That’s the best they can do. You came around to him when you were vulnerable, so he preyed on that. That’s it. That’s your story. That’s the answer. And..scene.

DISCLAIMER – This site is about and for expressing my opinions. Any likeness or similarity that they may have to persons living or dead is coincidence. I am not responsible for internal personalizations or general butthurtedness.If you’d like to file an I’m Butt Hurt!! complaint, please do so here.

16 Responses to “They Always Come Back”

I don’t think he’s manipulating you. You’re just there, and while you’re there, he wants to be able to sleep with you. The rest doesn’t matter. If a man wants you, they will throw all rules out the window to be with you. If they don’t, they will use every excuse in the book to justify not being with you. He told you what he wants: he wants to have fun. If he thought you were worth it, he would settle down, but he doesn’t. You laugh together, have fun, etc, honestly, it’s not that hard to find someone who likes to laugh and have fun. He’ll find another woman when he’s “ready,” and eventually, so will you. The “ready” part is bs; he’s out there meeting women, and he will eventually find one with whom he can see a future. He’s just not there yet, and you’re not the one.

Believe it or not, I don’t think it’s about the sex at all. If he wanted to have sex with her, he clearly could have. He wasn’t even trying.

If a man wants you, they will throw all rules out the window to be with you.

I agree that, eventually after a period of time, men will do this. But I think many women expect men to go to great lengths early on. Saying that a man will move mountains to be with a woman he just started dating or after a couple weeks/months is unrealistic, I think. I don’t see men doing the move mountains thing so much any more. Not early on, any way. This feels like one of those myths women like to tell each other.

Oh yeah, no crazy moving mountain stuff, but I mean they will break their own “rules.” Like my bf had a rule not to date clients, and broke that rule and asked me out. I mean it’s not climbing Everest, but I mean making concessions. Men and women do this, but I think women forget that. Also, being that he’s had plenty of time to get to know her, he knows enough that he won’t break that rule for her because he doesn’t care enough. He’d rather just go out with other women, like he is doing.

my bf had a rule not to date clients, and broke that rule and asked me out.
That’s less of a “rule” and more of an excuse (even if only told to himself) to reject women he wasn’t that interested in in the first place. There is a high cost to men for failed office romances, and particularly for pumping and dumping coworkers/clients.

I think many women expect men to go to great lengths early on. Saying that a man will move mountains to be with a woman he just started dating or after a couple weeks/months is unrealistic, I think.
It takes time to know that a woman is worth moving mountains for. That doesn’t mean one marathon date either. It could be after a few weeks/months, depending on how often you see each other, but in most cases when it happens “too soon” that’s a sign the guy is either desperate (and would do so for any woman who showed interest) or playing you.

Of course, many women simply aren’t worth moving mountains for, no matter how long the guy might keep her around to warm his bed while he looks for one who is.

I don’t see men doing the move mountains thing so much any more. Not early on, any way.
I don’t think guys have ever done that “early on”; that is a fabrication of Hollywood romantic comedies, where they have less than two hours to introduce the characters, have them meet up, fall in love and get married. In real life, that takes at least a year or two for the vast majority of successful couples.

It looks like you want to read more into the things he said when he was wasted, rather than believe the things he says (as well as his actions) when he is sober.

I think you crossed the line in your own mind. You convinced yourself you were cool with casual, but as soon as you thought there could be something more than that…you were on it. “The thing is if he isn’t ready to be date me then I need to walk away. I don’t want to just be his friend.”

I never had a casual relationship. This wasn’t because I had a moral objection to them. It was simply because I knew that if I did I would eventually get attached and become batshit crazy trying to turn a casual relationship into a serious one. I’m sure there are women who can enjoy casual relationships without getting attached or crazy. I’m not one of them, and from this story I would say that you should consider the possibility that you may not be one of them either.

If you are burned out from dating, you need to take a break from dating. You also need to analyze your previous relationships and try to figure out what commonalities occurred in their failures, and try to identify the red flags that you missed at the start of the relationships so that you can identify those patterns more quickly in the future. This guy is either an idiot or a manipulative jerk. It doesn’t matter which – just stop interacting with him and focus your energy on helping yourself.

I used to fall into the same patterns with guys (they were semi-interested but ambivalent and I’d focus on the “interested” part and ignore the rest; I’d wrack my brains trying to figure out what I should do different or better to seal the deal instead of focusing on the dude and his behavior). I don’t fall into those patterns so much any more, thanks to lots of trial and error and therapy. Long story short, to avoid those patterns I simply ask myself how the guy makes me feel – overall and consistently. Your answer sounds like “confused and fucked with.” Time to move on. It kinda doesn’t sound like you’re really calling this guy on his behavior (“look, I’m confused; you said you wanted casual, yet you act really into me one minute, the next you throw a date with someone else in my face to get a reaction out of me…”). It probably wouldn’t be productive if you did call him on it ‘cuz he’d probably just squirm and feed you some bullshit and it might turn into more drama than it’s worth. It would be very productive to at least be that honest with yourself, anyway, and stop making excuses for him.

Another thing mentioned in the Clarisse Thorn “Pickup Artist” book is “the parking brake theory.” Her friend’s husband asked if they should use the parking brake and the friend said “well, if something did happen and you had to explain it later, would you feel foolish explaining that you deliberately chose not to use a parking brake *in San Francisco*?” It’s sorta to catch yourself in the act of ignoring logic and making rationalizations.

Oh! yes just tonight… I got a call from someone I knew from a hobby group who disappeared a month ago. We’d had a few dates out and a few dates in, we got along great and liked each other as people and not just as romance, and he seemed like the real deal, and then, Nothing. I sent him a picture from one of our group outings 2 days after the last time I saw him, and, still Nothing. I deleted his number and tried to forget about him before the next group outing happens. Tonight he called me to apologize for not calling sooner and to say that he was really into me, really had a great time, misses me, wants me, but he thought long and hard about it, and even though he thought it didn’t matter, it does: he needs to find someone who will marry him and have kids with him. He’s 42, so good for him, but I’m 49 and have no kid under 25 and don’t want any. I said thank you for letting me know, can’t help you since I’m not having more kids, and have a good night.

I had pretty much guessed that he’ d either found someone else or decided he had to be with someone he could breed with (forgive the snottiness… not a great night ya know), since he’d been engaged to his previous gf with plans to have kids with her, so I’m not really sure how I feel that he even called. At least if I see him in the future, I’ll know what the deal was, and keeping my cool may be less of an effort.

He didn’t want to hang up… wanted me to know I could call him if I needed something, or wanted to talk, or whatever. I said no thanks, because if we talk, the only thing it can lead to is being in bed again and for what? for him to bang me until someone who can have his kids comes along and then I’m *really* hurt for jumping back in? because talking will only let us fool ourselves into thinking that it will be ok to do what no good can come of. Better we don’t talk at all.

And, for similar reasons, better the OP doesn’t talk at all to the dude in question. Let it go. It should be the worst experience she ever has with a man.

I think the key sentence is here: I don’t fit into his plan of fucking around for a few more years.
And I think THIS is the problem with so many people I read about on this site and others. We have this illusion of control – my life is going to be this way and then I decide I will change it and it will then become this other way, in my time frame, in my parameters, etc etc etc. BUT – life doesn’t take orders. It doesn’t follow our nicely laid out plans. He wanted to fuck around a few more years, but he met you now and is conflicted. Well, my approach would be – either I’m worth changing your plans for, or I’m not. Period. No middle ground, no mixed messages, no long drawn out drama. Either you want to pursue something real with me or you don’t. You say you’d be a terrible boyfriend – well either you’re willing to change and make a real effort to be with me or not. And then I would walk away and NOT LOOK BACK. If he’s willing to let you walk away, then he feels you’re not worth changing his plans for. If he comes after you, insist upon something real (if that’s what YOU want) with no nonsense and no games. But this middle ground, mixed message on again/off again angsty bullshit is exhausting. You don’t need it.

I think the OP is being manipulated, but she is doing it to herself. She is looking to justify her wishful thinking, and is taking his actions and stuffing them into the box to make it all fit. Analyzing and over-analyzing, she’s driving herself nuts. And for what? For No Strings Attached, there seem to be a lot of strings to get tangled up in.

This situation is simply far too complex and high maintenance to continue the “casual fling.” I say forget him and cut him off. He is far too much work, and it is not worth the anguish. Take it as a lesson learned and file it away for the next guy.

DISCLAIMER – This site is about and for expressing my opinions. Any likeness or similarity that they may have to persons living or dead is coincidence. I am not responsible for internal personalizations or general butthurtedness.If you’d like “to file an I’m Butt Hurt!! complaint, please do so here.

Sorry if I’m off topic, but will you be posting any “I’m Butt hurt!!” complaints? I think that would make for a truly interesting post:) And thank you for my best laugh of the day.

And also I love the Nosferatu picture. Emotionally immature guys who persist are as welcome as the undead IMHO!
OP just dump him!!! Move on baby!! Take it from been there, dumped that:)