Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Connect. Engage. Grow.

I remember how walking into a room full of people use to feel. When the anticipation of engaging in conversation
excited me, motivated me, lit me up. I
still couldn’t get myself there; it was like the light switch went off inside
me.

At the time, I didn’t notice when or why it had happened. I remember feeling repulsed by the idea of
small talk and irrelevant exchange between people who didn’t really matter to
me. I know it sounds harsh; it’s still hard
to write. Should have been the first
sign, since I’m typically a very outgoing and social person.

I’ve blamed it on being a working mom (sounds fair and incontestable);
motherhood is the most exhausting job on the planet, right? Pulled in a million directions, putting
everyone’s needs before my own, a tiresome output of energy lacking enough time
for rest and solitude. Sounds very
victim-y of me, I know, but it’s exactly where I was. Something wasn’t right and deep down I knew
it. My perception of the outside world had changed and on the inside I felt
guarded, anxious and fearful.

For as comfortable as I had become with abandoning
meaningful connection in my life, I am thankful to have noticed something was
missing. This past year has brought much revelation around the explanation of
who I was or more importantly who I was not.
I believe this is a testament to being in the right place at the right
time, with the right people.

Two things have helped change the course for me. At work, I began showing up more—physically
and emotionally. And, in this time I was
exposed to an incredible philosophy of looking at life and work differently
through a leadership program based on the principles of ninjaselling.com.
This program is where my awareness began to grow. I started questioning
my intentions in life, what I wanted and where I was headed. I was treading water;
I had gotten too comfortable with what was safe. And as the weight of fear,
anxiety and discontentment began to resurface, I saw for the first time how
they were holding me back.

I remember first hearing about living with a scarcity vs.
abundant mindset and believing I had it all figured out. Scarcity didn’t show
up until I started looking closer at the little places in life—my reaction to a
change in weekend plans, the rage from Ava dropping a bowl of cereal on the
carpet when I’d asked her to eat at the table, my impatience with Carson that
sent me walking away as he threw himself down in a crying fit, frustrated in
his inability to communicate his needs.
A fear of the unknown or “what if” would derail me for days; I was
defensive and on-edge in the day-to-day interaction with my family. The more I looked for it, the more scarcity
showed up. It was in the small choices I
was making, much more dangerous and insidious than I was aware.

It was the book DaringGreatly where I began really learning and understanding the why’s of how I
had become so closed. It brings comfort
to put words on feelings; this book was the invitation for me to get the
courage to forgive myself and move beyond it.
I learned about the danger of disengagement and the compound effect it
can have in a slow erosion of relationships over time. I’m thankful to recognize that this is
exactly where I was in my work, my marriage and parenting. Engaging with people half-heartedly was
dangerous for me and easy to do; I had gotten good at hiding it and could see
how dim the light in me had become because of it.

When I think about how it will be different moving forward
as I navigate through difficult and uncertain times in life, I will spend less
time with my eyes closed, holding my breath, waiting for it all to pass. Less time blaming myself, less time blaming
others. I will spend more time talking
about the fear and discomfort while reaching out to the support around me. I
will spend more time in the middle of it all, present, aware, and engaged in
the solution.

There is a deep conviction in me that believes the energy
and authenticity of how I engage and connect with people around me depends greatly
on my ability to show up in the day-to-day, smaller places of life. This is my advantage, my greatest
resource. And while it is a daily
commitment, an ongoing challenge, it will allow me to push and grow in new
directions; further than I’d go alone.

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I want to remember what it was like getting to
know them. I want to
share the story of my
experience and perspective with them. Leaving a
successful career to
be at home wasn't easy for me. Until I went back
to
work, I needed something else.
During a trying first
year of motherhood, I started
writing to spend more
time focusing on what was good.
I found comfort and company in a lonely space, a voice inside wanting to
be heard. Now, I write to escape from
the busyness of
everyday life. I'm on a quest to learn something
worth teaching.