Rants, reasoning, resolutions & other randomness from this journey of life

Monthly Archives: July 2013

Well the notary just left with all the final closing papers on our refi. I am so glad it’s done and can start saving us some much needed money. My wrist is a bit cramped from signing my name a million times so don’t judge if I drink my celebratory glass of wine with a straw. Lol.

Well it’s been almost a week since I was introduced to my half brother by mistake on Facebook. After a couple days of talking back and forth things have sort of come to a halt. The original plan was that he was going to talk to his (our) father and let him know what happened and that he now knew about me and we’d go from there and see what his (our) father wanted to do. Well that fell through when his (our) father went boating and camping and didn’t make it back before he went to work the next day. Then it got pushed back more because he works second shift and his (our) father works first. Then the weekend went by and still not a peep.

I think it’s also safe to say that he’s nervous about even approaching the subject. To be honest I can’t blame him. I would be too. LIke what the hell do you even say. I emphasized that he shouldn’t make his (our) father feel like he’s being backed into a corner or confronted in a negative way but letting him know he knows and then letting his (our) father decide how much, if anything, he wants to divulge from there and if he even wants to contact me would be better. I think that’s the main reason I haven’t bugged him about it. To be honest it’s not just that I haven’t bugged him, I haven’t really done a lot of reaching out to him period. I figured it’s best for him to reach out to me. I just don’t want him thinking that I am trying to push him with any of this or nag him about talking to his (our) father. I know what it’s like to live with this so I can’t imagine how it would feel having it sprung on you after twenty years. So I have just been laying low and sending a simple text here or there – like a “hope you had a good weekend” etc. I feel screwed either way – if I text him every day then he may think I’m pressuring him and if I don’t then he may think I don’t care. What do you do in that situation?

Either way, I think that after my last attempt to reach out to my father failed and resulted in no response, I pretty much went through the agony and self torment over it all and then I had to let it go. I moved on and realized that I had gone this long without knowing him so if I have to go the rest of my life then so be it. It hurt but that pain gets numbed over the years and by new things in my life – like my beautiful baby girl. I can’t be sad over this simply because she exists and makes me happy. That little hole may never mend but it’s become part of me and who I am anyhow so as long as I can raise my baby right and be happy with what I have I just have to remind myself that no matter what is missing, I’m not really missing anything.

It’s officially countdown time for the royal baby. Kate was admitted into the hospital and it’s go time. I actually can’t wait to find out what it is. There’s just something about Will and Kate that’s so likable, so down to earth that you can’t help but to want to be involved and to root for them. And if it’s a new little prince who knows, it could be Adri’s future husband! 🙂 “Princess Adriana” sure does have a nice ring to it! Hahaha. Then there’s also the anticipated announcement of the name. With all the crazy baby names of late, wouldn’t it be cute if named him Charming?!

Soup sounded like a souper idea on this rainy day. I love soup. What I love most about soup is that it’s always different and it can be whatever your heart desires all chopped, diced, or shredded however you want brought to a boil and simmered on low until it’s the perfect consistency all wrapped in a warm blanket of broth. I could go on like Bubba does with shrimp when it comes to soup. It’s one of the things I remember was always cooking at Oma’s house growing up. It’s one of my favorite meals and the perfect comfort food.

So, after some perusing through the fridge and pantry, today’s concoction commenced…

Well, talk about a crazy 24 hours. When I woke up yesterday I had no idea what I was in store for. So it turns out this friend of my sister’s fiancé IS my half brother. And my biggest concern about it came to fruition.

My mother and sister, who meant well, tried to nonchalantly find out who his father was to see if it was the same. That’s when the fiancé got informed of the situation and told his friend that I was his half sister. Of course there’s more…He then reached out to me on Facebook by sending me a friend request. Freaking out and not knowing what to say to him I talked to my mother and sister about what they had said. My sister thought he told her fiancé that he had been looking for me. When I heard that, a sigh of relief came but I still didn’t want to divulge too much information without being sure. Well, it turns out not only was he not looking for me but he didn’t even know about me. None of his siblings do apparently.

This was what I worried about all day yesterday when debating even reaching out to him. Back and forth I went reminding myself that what I did have in life made up for what I missed and I am who I am now regardless (or maybe in spite) of him. I have lots to be grateful for. I have no doubt that I may not have become the hellion I did in my teens were it not for this situation but then I also know that I wouldn’t have learned all I did had I not experienced all that first-hand. God works in mysterious ways. I have lived with it and through it and I am fine. It wasn’t just me I worried about in this situation though. I have felt this way my whole life. It has ultimately made me who I am and I have learned to be happy with that because I didn’t turn out too bad. It’s the unknowing and unsuspecting victims of the aftermath that I worried about now. I wouldn’t wish those feelings or constant questions on anyone.

That saying about a mother doing better research than the FBI when it comes to her kids is true. Within an hour she had found my father’s current family and pictures of my father even. Staring at his face, it had aged quite a bit in comparison to the photos I have of him, but there was no mistaking that it was him. And he looked happy. It made me happy that at least it seems my father didn’t end up being some broken junkie who, after having a child way too young and marrying and divorcing before he could even legally drink, didn’t give up on life and made something of himself. It’s how I felt about myself after all – every reason to have just stayed on the rebellious path and to not care, I still fought through the darkness and came out a good person with so much to be thankful for. I stared at the pictures back and forth from my father to this brother I had never seen. I compared eyes, noses, cheeks, smiles. I pulled out pictures I have of my father looked at how he had aged and began wondering again. Do any of these other children know about me? Would they hate me? Would it cause trouble? Is that why he ignored my letter? I reached out to my father through the funeral home when his mother passed away. Don’t you think that if he wanted me in their life he would have contacted me by now?

This was way more than just “Hi” would cover. This is a whole person that I’m family with but have no knowledge of anything about him. Situations like this can cause you to not trust people. Especially when I have a beautiful new baby to consider first. I don’t even know how my father turned out let alone his children. Then the worry set in: Sure my dad seems okay in these pictures but what about this kid? He could be a drug addict, a thief. He could be anything and the only way to know is to find out by and make myself vulnerable to getting hurt by this situation again. Then I realized that I am happy and I am complete despite what my past may have been missing. My daughter is my everything and no pain from this situation could lessen the joy I now have in my life. There is no damage he can do that I haven’t already been through and survived. So I decided to go for it.

Well it didn’t feel great to know that they didn’t know about me and it also didn’t feel great to know that he somehow thought his (our) father may not have known about me himself. (Hell, he married my mother. She was pregnant. He lived with her and my grandparents and was in my life for at least a year of my life. He obviously knew about me). So then I felt horrible for having to answer his questions about whether or not my dad and his dad were really the same person. I felt defensive inside like I was being questioned because he thought I was a liar. Then I realized I would probably do the same thing. And the fact that he questioned it at all and wasn’t just like, “Oh. Hey. You’re my sister. Get in line” I thought spoke highly enough for the type of person he thought his (our) father is now that he didn’t just expect news like this. But then I felt guilty. I felt like I was opening some vault that wasn’t mine. I was exposing a secret to this clueless family and it wasn’t mine to expose. I felt guilty that this was all happening and hadn’t come from their (our) father. I feared what domino affect this would cause with their happy little family and then felt bad that I’d probably have total strangers hating me and cursing my existence. I probably wouldn’t know either way but I didn’t feel good about the possibility. I reminded myself that I didn’t track him down. I didn’t tell him who I was. I didn’t plan for any of this. Granted it came from my side of the family and this soon-to-be brother-in-law and it shouldn’t have. The cat was already out of the bag.

Well it turns out this kid is alright. At least he sounds that way and my sister’s fiancé attests to it. He was shocked, naturally, and initially wanted to build a relationship between the two of us and not tell anyone until later when the time was right. As sweet as it sounded for him to want to get to know one another, I knew there really is no “right timing” for this. I also didn’t want to sneak around getting to know him and then having him tell his (our) father months or even years from now and have him be mad that he kept this from him and was sneaking behind his back. If he had such a good relationship with his father I didn’t want my coming on to the scene being what began a rift in their relationship and caused him to start keeping stuff from his (our) father. I didn’t want to be the bad guy or the sneaky liar. It was the same thing I had told my mother when she came back into my life. It is important for me to have a clear conscience in this because I am the one who has to live with myself. So I told him that I think it’s best if he hears the rest from his (our) father and that we approach this honestly and as innocently as it was and not guiltily later. If his dad doesn’t want to know me or reach out, then that’s fine. I’ve lived 30 years without him and I can continue to do it. I don’t need him to be happy. At least then we’re not sneaking around and regardless of what his (our) father decides to do from his end, he and I can still get to know each other. After all it’s not like either of us intended for this to happen or looked for it. So surely his (our) father can’t be upset about it happening. Hell, if he wanted to keep me a secret he probably should have moved out of the tristate area. He had to have known this was bound to happen one day. But the bottom line was that his (our) father should know now so he’s not being lied to and he should be the one to make the decision if any of the other siblings (or his current wife if she doesn’t know either) find out about me or not. He agreed. He also thinks that when it does happen it will be good and says the family is very welcoming and nice. That’s reassuring. He obviously is going to need to find the right time and way to approach his (our) father about what he’s learned without announcing it over family dinner and simultaneously shocking them and hurting his own mother with the news that she may or may not know about either.

So now I just wait I guess. It all kinda feels like a script from Days of Our Lives. Pretty crazy. But then I have known about all this my whole life. I can’t imagine how my brother woke up feeling this morning. Either way the cat is out of the bag and no matter what happens from here I can at least breathe a little easier that one of the biggest questions I had about this situation has been answered. Whatever happens from here I just have to remember all of the blessings in my life and that even though this situation made me who I ultimately am, it doesn’t define me or control my ability to live and be happy.

In lighter (but more fattening news), who the hell was the genius that decided to combine a soft pretzel with a bacon cheeseburger? Wendy’s pretzel bacon cheeseburger – OMG! We totally smashed one yesterday and it may have been half of my day’s worth of calories but I have no regrets. Concoctions like this are exactly what is wrong (and right) with this country. 🙂

Like this:

I haven’t seen my biological father since I was a baby. He and my mother were divorced by the time I was one. They were both very young. When my mother remarried I was adopted by my stepfather and I guess my biological father took that as an exit from my life all together. For years I had issues with this. To say I still don’t would be a lie. I tried to reach out to him in the past. The first time my mother successfully got him on the phone and it was so overwhelming I couldn’t handle it. I was still too young to deal with all the emotions I guess and scared to confront him for fear of what it would (or wouldn’t) fix in my life. When I heard from my grandmother (my mother’s mother) that my father’s mother was in the obituaries, I reached out to him then too but that was an epic fail and ended up hurting a lot more than I cared to let anyone know. I try not to let it bother me as much anymore. At least until something like this morning happens.

My sister got engaged last week to a guy in the military. None of us have met him yet. It’s hard enough to try to like someone you haven’t even met yet and not be somewhat on edge about the thought of your sister marrying someone she has spent most of her time with online and not knowing in person. I feel like a protective mother inside being so skeptical and wanting her to wait before taking such a huge step. I have to remind myself that she’s an adult now and not a baby anymore. He seems nice enough and only time will tell so for now I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt and trusting that she has a good head on her shoulders and knows what she’s doing.

So when I hear that he’s friends with someone who is possibly my (half) brother it troubles me a bit. Like how the hell do you go through life with a bunch of siblings (apparently I have quite a few) and cousins you don’t even freaking KNOW?! How is it that your biological family is all from the same general area and you’ve still not ever had an encounter or even run into them through mutual friends on Facebook up until now? And of all people to have them with, how is it that it’s a stranger that just got engaged to my sister and doesn’t even know me? And how the hell are you supposed to find out without inviting him in to such a major part of your past (I haven’t even met this guy yet for crying out loud. Like I want to go through the embarrassment of involving him into this part of my history) or reaching out to this mystery-maybe-sibling on your own and looking like a complete idiot to someone who may or may not even know you exist and who may or may not even be related? It’s always a million questions anytime that part of my life comes up. I’ve spent the past few years since the last time I reached out to my father pretending that his lack of response didn’t hurt me as bad as it did and reminding myself that I’m fine and probably better off without him. What I do know is that I grew up with a good life in spite of his lack of presence, that I am a good person with good morals and strong ethics and that I turned out okay…It still doesn’t help all the confusion and questions and curiosity though or the “who are you / who am I” game that always ensues.

So here I sit, in between loads of laundry with Sesame Street on in the background listening to the baby play and staring at a picture of a total stranger that may or may not be my own brother wondering if I should even pursue trying to see if it’s a match. Trying to find a familiarity or sum him up. Are those my father’s eyes? Does he look at all like me? I wonder what he’s like in life. I hope he made something of himself and isn’t some worthless moocher. I wonder if he knows my father anymore either….Then wondering if I should even pursue trying to find out if it’s a match but knowing that never knowing will just drive me crazy too. Either way the emotions you fight so hard sometimes to hold back just resurface and remind you that you can pretend you have a complete and normal life all you want and you can smile and be blessed as you are but there is still this sadness down deep from all the unknown out there – so close yet so far. The root of all self doubt, all insecurities, all phobias and worries. It’s the ever burning fire that draws me in yet offers no warmth but may burn me if I get any closer.

Whatever comes of it this time we’ll just have to wait and see I guess. For today I’m going to try not to dwell on it too much. Sometimes you get more clarity when you’re not constantly questioning things and you just let the way show itself to you.

I just spent the past two hours cleaning out and reorganizing a closet in our basement that has all of our sports, hunting and camping stuff in it. Half an hour of that was wrestling with a ground blind to get it folded back up correctly and into its pouch. Meanwhile my cardboard cutouts of Jacob & Edward just stood there staring the whole time almost as if they were mocking me. I was pretty tempted to punch one of them in the face but then I remembered Bella broke her hand punching Jacob and, well let’s be honest, I just could never do that Edward…I did call them a few choice words though. Unhelpful bastards!

The baby’s 6 month appointment went well. The doctor says she’s perfect (though I already knew that). 🙂 She has “fantastic posture when standing up” and the doctor says she wouldn’t be surprised if she skips crawling first altogether and just starts walking alongside the furniture instead. She definitely prefers standing to being on her tummy that’s for sure. Oh, and apparently that old theory of babies ‘needing’ to crawl first and all the developmental orders of things and bowlegged risks is garbage and they don’t even go by that anymore. (Yeah, I know, funny how medical concepts are constantly changing isn’t it?). Yet another reason I always say a prayer before her appointments for positive outcomes every time she gets shots – it may be a risk to get them but also could be without them so what is right always befuddles me. Just pray you’re making the right decisions until she’s old enough to make them for herself. She did good with her shots again though thankfully and all the staff just adore her and her dainty, little, sweet, smiling self. She is still growing perfectly in the 50th percentile which is where she started at birth.

Once we knew she had the hang of rolling over in her sleep we figured we could transition her into her big crib in the nursery and out of the portable bassinet in our room. It’s funny she can’t really stand being on her belly until she’s sleeping and then she prefers it. After waking up and finding her on her tummy a few times I figured we should wait and keep her nearby where I can check on her easily before moving her into her nursery. (After having all the risks of sleeping on their tummies pounded into your brain those first few times you wake up to find your baby on their belly can be a little scary so you definitely want to be sure they can roll themselves back over and hold themselves up.) Well, Sunday night after coming home from camping and bringing the portable crib she uses with us I decided to give the nursery a shot instead of setting the portable crib back up in our room. She sleeps all night usually so I was worried that she wouldn’t sleep through the night at first when we made the transition. Well she was out by 10:30 and didn’t wake up until 6:45 the next morning! I guess it’s safe to say her big crib is pretty comfy. Mommy on the other hand was up every hour to check on her. Since she’s done so well though I am starting to sleep easier again too and when I wake up in the morning it’s like I’m a kid at Christmas time – running to her room to see her smiling face staring back at me. What a gift. What a beautiful, happy little gift.

Half a year has flown by and she is growing so much! Every day it’s something new – a new movement, a new sound, a new face, new syllables, new foods, new bed. I have a feeling I’ll be wishing often in the years ahead for time to just slow down a little. Before we know it she will be all grown up. I thank God every day for being able to have this time with her…and for her ever-sweet, loving, happy, healthy, little self. I am so blessed.

It’s so hard to believe it has already been six months since my life changed. Since my miracle came. Since I learned a whole new meaning of love. She amazes me every day and is the sweetest girl ever. Her smile puts my soul at ease and her laughter makes my heart soar. She is happiness. She is heaven. She is the reason I wake up in the morning and the reason I want to live forever. She is growing up so fast and even though she is still so small she is the biggest love. Happy “halfsies” baby girl. Mommy loves you. ❤