Commitment Phobia

But I have yet to buy my plane ticket, even though the price is at an epic low. I have been studying the airfares for about a month–since September. When I had four months until I was set to leave.

Why have I not made this purchase?

Am I afraid? Being a person who is afraid of everything, the answer to that question is obvious. Of course I am afraid. But that does not explain my ticket-less state. The real question is, “Why?” Why am I afraid of a plane ticket?

What I have concluded is that buying that plane ticket represents commitment. It is commitment to a new life that is 8,000 miles away from the old, that is financially insecure, that is culturally challenging in profound and disturbing ways. None of this is the scary part, though.

What scares me is that in addition to all the known perils, I am committing to a great unknown void of “What if…?”

The scary part is committing to the ways that God is at work in my life. Ways which I know are always good, but which are not always pleasant.

Most scary of all is committing to the part about love. I am still hoping, still waiting, still expecting. It feels like all the energy and desire I have to love and to be loved in return is aimed in the direction of Cape Town. Yet all the while, for the sake of the watching world, I have to not make the love thing the main thing. I have to remember the love thing is incidental to all the other “important” things. For my own sake, I have to be in a letting go frame of mind so that if love does not finally come around for me, all continues to be well with my soul.

Buying the plane ticket means committing to my fondest hopes and to totally releasing my hope all at the same time.

A long time ago three Hebrew boys who were moved to a foreign country boldly declared, “Our God can deliver us and will deliver us! But even if God does not deliver us, we will not bow down.” Then they willingly went forward into death.

My prayer is to be able to say the same thing. “My God can and will lead me into love. But even if God does not, I am still standing tall.” And, as I am whispering these words to myself, to also be hitting the button on my laptop to buy my plane ticket.