Marriage Needs Chemistry

Happy Monday everyone! I’m starting a new series today and I’d like to introduce you to Pippi. That’s Pippi to the left and yes, the camera is in front of her face deliberately because she’d like to maintain some modicum of anonymity. Pippi is a fun, entertaining, light-hearted blogger – her posts make me smile and laugh. I’m never sure what her posts are going to be about – that’s part of the fun of following her blog – you never know what the gift that day will be. And the titles aren’t much help. I mean what would you think “I live next door to a giant hairy bush” … would be about?

When I read Pippi’s blog, I quickly formed an impression of an easy-going, dynamic, outgoing mother with a sense of fun. Yet, when Pippi and I talked, the Pippi she described could have been a completely different person. She began telling me about her marriage, a marriage that lacked chemistry from the very beginning. Here’s Pippi:

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My ex and I knew each other in high school. We weren’t high school sweethearts, we just happened to meet up when we were both back in our hometown. We dated for a year and then were engaged for a year. I was 24 when we married and I really wanted to get married.

I was just out of college, finishing my first real job and he was in med school. It was exciting to be dating a physician. We certainly got along as friends but there was never any chemistry on my end. There was never any violence and he’s a good person but there’s a dynamic in our relationship that I felt I was always walking on eggshells.

I kept all of my unhappiness inside because I wanted to put on a happy face. I wanted everything to be happy. I wanted him to be happy. He said he was completely blindsided when I said I was leaving and I ask myself how could he have not known?

He’s a very insecure person and he wanted sexual intimacy very frequently and I would just not be into it. I would think to myself, how could he not know that I’m not into this?

I had no will in the marriage, I had no will to decorate the house or plan vacations or do holidays because I just wasn’t that interested in being married to him.

Early on in the marriage, I got to know his parents – they did everything together, they really did not have separate lives or separate friends and I thought, I don’t want to end up like that. But that was how my ex wanted our marriage to be.

For years, I managed his medical practice and the finances while I stayed home with the kids. That’s what his mother did for his father. When I got to the point of saying I didn’t want to do that anymore and wanting to explore other opportunities, he was very unhappy.

He wasn’t happy about me maintaining friendships with girlfriends I had. If I were on the phone with a girlfriend when he came home from work, I would say, I need to go and hang up. He wouldn’t want me to go to a neighborhood book club. It’s not like he would yell at me but it was a demeanor he had. The pouting and the silent treatment would be ways he would emotionally control me. It was intimidating to me.

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Divorce is painful is a universal truth. Marriage is hard work is another one and that applies even when both partners love and respect each other. When there isn’t any chemistry between you and your spouse, like Pippi describes, it’s a barren environment. Neither of you can grow and blossom. Pippi was married for 11 years before she found the strength to leave. Eleven years – that’s a long time. Why is it so hard to leave a marriage?

It was hard for me to leave my marriage because of my wedding vows. It didn’t matter that I didn’t subscribe to a religion. I was breaking my promise. I can no longer say, I am a woman of my word. If I say I’ll do something, I will do it. I still haven’t come to terms with this. It still weighs heavily on me.

Sometimes, it’s so hard to think about leaving, it’s easier to wish your spouse would die and that’s what I’m going to be talking about tomorrow.

Hope you’ll visit Pippi for her crazy brand of humor. You can also follow her on twitter @runpippirun. Pippi is also the generous soul and mastermind behind the recent plan to send Mindy of SingleMomSays to Vegas for her birthday.

I do agree with you Momma Sunshine. I've come to think that even though Pippi may have allowed her husband to control her because she never told him how unhappy she was, that doesn't mean the abuse is OK. It's like physical violence – it's just never appropriate to hit someone.

OMG!!! The stuff that what described in this post is what I have been feeling since I’ve been married. It didn’t help when my husband was unfaithful for years and it only broke me down more. I hate how I feel, it’s never been the “in-love” moments. I got married for the wrong reasons as well, but mine is a bit more complicated though bc while I was dating my husband, I found out that he was still married, but he said that it was over, but shortly after, he was divorced. I think sometimes the comfort and security keeps some of us there. Its hard because I’ve been feeling the exact same way and its like he doesn’t even see it. When I wanted to go to counseling, he did’t want to go, so I went on my own. I have been married 10 yrs. and we have a son together and I have a daughter who is not his that he mistreated for years. He’s been deployed and me and my daughter relationship has begin to flourish again because while he was home, he took over and controlled everything and my daughter felt like I was more on his side. She got to the point that she wished he was dead and she felt suicidal, she is now 13. I got her help though. She wants me to leave him. I want a divorce but he’s coming with all kinds of excuses and honestly, I checked out the marriage years ago. Don’t know what to do. I’m having emotions for someone else but don’t want to start anything until I’m completely free.

ASmiley – I do think you’re smart not to start another relationship while you’re still married. You say that you checked out of your marriage years ago so let me ask what’s keeping you in the relationship now? Is there something you’re afraid of? What would it take for you to make the change?