Went to the dentist yesterday for a check up. No cavities! *ting!* Going to the dentist is always a mixed bag for me because – as I’ve talked about before – I’m just a skosh freaky about my teeth, but as a result I take good care of them. So there’s the standard dread, because… you know… people jabbing and scraping your gums… intentionally trying to stab sharp metal into your teeth… the potential of drills… but, since I try to take care of them, when I go it’s often a big love-fest. Sure, a love-fest with gum-jabbing, but a love-fest.

“Oh, you have such nice teeth!”

“Thank you.”

“Almost no plaque build-up!”

“I do what I can.”

“Strong enamel! Such powerful roots!”

“Well, I work out.”

“You must floss.”

“You know it. I buy that shit by the bale.” *high five*

Ah, but it wasn’t always this way…

“You ordered the dental floss?”

For most of my life the trip to the dentist has been dread compounded with shame. The air ripe with the smell of fear and fluoride. Me, gripping my fingers until they turn white, reclined in the chair with that big interrogation light in my face… sitting through the scraping, awaiting… the question.

“Sooooo…. Have you been… flossing?”

Shit.

“Yes.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Well, I’ve flossed about 15 times since yesterday when you called and reminded me that I had a dentist appointment. That has to count for something?”

Of course it’s too late now. You’re on the bad list. It spirals from here.

Which is, of course, total bullshit. I’m a grown up, I’m familiar with the vast intricacies of the flossing process, but even if I wasn’t, a “demonstration” would be a couple teeth followed by “you try!” and words of encouragement (“Oh, see, that’s your ear. Keep trying!”). This is a near wordless procedure, floss wrapped around the hygienists fists like piano-wire, foot braced against the cupboard for leverage, lifting you out of your seat, the only words spoken the occasional burst of, “You must get under the gum! Under the gum!!”

At least I’m pretty sure this is how it went.

Now maybe my previous dentist was an escaped war criminal (I reported him as one, just in case), or maybe my current dentist is incompetent – roaming from room to room saying “Wow! Looks great!” to people whose teeth are actively rotting out of their heads while they sit there – but I’m sticking with the current one. In fact, I bet there’d be a real market for a dentist who tells you everything’s fantastic every time. Sure, you might have to endure agonizing nerve pain and teeth with the strength of marshmellows (“But doctor, there are so many holes, when the wind blows my teeth whistle like a flute!” “That’s normal.”), but I still bet there’d be a pretty good market.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

Since buying a crest electric toothbrush, I simply pretend that it takes away the need to floss…we’ll see next week when I’m in the same chair, staring at the hygienist, wondering if the vacuum thing is going to suck out my soul.

Those vibrating toothbrushes never outright say it, but they sure imply that you don’t need to floss anymore. Pretty good gimmick, really. I bet if a commercial implied that a certain brand of shoes or cell phone would mean you didn’t have to floss any more people would buy it.

I had a friend who claimed to have a “special method” of brushing that negated the need for floss. Part of me wanted to say “Mmmmm…. no you don’t.” But then I thought, would I want my dental delusions ruptured?

This reminds me of how I used to believe I could eat anything I wanted if I simply ate a banana afterward. That’s the magical power of the banana, after all: to obliterate enemy “anti-nutrients” on sight! (What? I totally saw it on a banana sticker. Somewhere. *cough*)

I wish I had visits like that. I’m like Nurse Diesel with my teeth — floss, pick, brush like a mofo because I hate dentists … and the stupid things still have enamel like tissue paper and rot if I so much as sneeze. Damn DNA.

I know people who brush once a WEEK and have perfect white teeth, though. Tain’t fair I’m tellin ya.

I love this – I had a dentist appointment yesterday myself. I have had many demonstration flosses over the years, but never began rigorously flossing until last year. I now also buy floss by the bale and have better teeth for it.

Plus, then if you skip a day you feel like you’re just being CRAZY. Maybe that’s sad that you have to set the bar that low to feel like an untamed creature, but hey, actual untamed creatures have terrible teeth.

Thanks and thanks. Yeah, it took me a second to figure out what was going on with my hit marker on the dashboard. Like some bizarre cosmic coincidence was leading people suddenly to seek out smart-assed remarks about dentist visits.

Loved this, and I am a total Anti-Dentite. I think one needs a higher degree to purchase a toothbrush these days. As for floss, I think its best use is cutting cheesecakes, even though I am known as a pretty neurotic flosser around the house.

I “love” dentist talk…Whenever I need to feel like a complete idiot, I just ask my dentist a question. Then he goes – I have this problem, you have this problem, my assistant has the same problem, our receptionist has the same problem…What the heck is his problem?

Wow-I never would have thought that a post about a dental visit would make it on Freshly Pressed, but here it is! Congrats! As a dentist (please refrain from verbal violence), I am so glad to hear that despite your previous experience, you actually took it upon yourself to take better care of your teeth!

By the way, in my opinion, the best floss is the one you actually USE in between your teeth and go up and down with 🙂

That’s a good point about the best floss. And I’m actually a big fan of my dentist, and not just because of the positive affirmation. I suspect it just takes people a long time to get over that fear imprint from when we’re kids. It’s like getting a shot as an adult – that hard-written fear that it’l hurt like crazy.

Sorry Byron, Under the gum is correct- I am a dental assistant and I have to stick by your hygienist recommendations. She doesn’t mean jam it down to your knees or up to your eyeballs, but healthy gums have a little collar of free space (actually about 3 millimeters) around the neck of each tooth and by wrapping gently in a “C” shape and gently sliding just under the gum, you are correctly cleaning out the plaque.

Thanks – and I do it, it’s just the concept, as with most dental-related concepts, that kind of weirds me out. The idea of baby teeth falling out and new ones emerging seems like a surreal horror story.

The barrel of hay is so perfect. I was really drawn to this post, though, because my teeth are very close together. Have to buy expensive floss or the strand will break mid-floss session. I suppose there are worse things.

I know, then you have to use more floss to get out the jammed floss. It’s like a horror film where the guy has to go out in to the woods after the first guy who didn’t come back, then he doesn’t come back…

So glad I found this post. I just seconds ago signed up for my first wordpress blog (yes, I have a nice residence under a rock). I also just visited my dentist… I can completely relate.

After a youth of dental disobedience despite the HUGE sums of money my parents spent on braces (sorry Mom!), I have transformed myself into a picture of patient compliance. I have dental floss with me at all times. Sad that I need the approval of someone who sees fit to stab me in the gums every-time I see him… But, unwaxed all the way!!

I just went to the dentist today. Now they have ultrasound cleaner thingies and water sprayer cleaners to add to the list of instruments of torture in the name of prevention of future gum disease and dental decay.

Wish I could floss. My teeth are too close together, and so the floss ends up cut, and stuck, and I end up walking around like a mop stuck in my mouth.
The electric toothbrush has changed the mouth of those who use them. I used to smoke and chew tobacco. That was almost as good, except the teeth get stained.

unlike most people, i’m slightly addicted to dental hygiene. and flossing. and my philips sonicare toothbrush. so i totally love going to the dentist and having him tell me my teeth are in mint condition as well – great post :]

Of course you have to get the floss under the gum, otherwise, don’t bother to floss because yer doing it wrong. If you’d pay attention to the demo and actually do it properly then you’d never have to see another demo again. If you flossed properly, daily, then you wouldn’t have to endure as much of the scaling when you do see your hygienist. No product, electric toothbrush or Listerine, can take the place of proper flossing, no matter what the commercial implies. Signed an annoyed dental assistant.

This is basically every dentist appointment I’ve ever had. Only better written. Where I usually go, the hygienists are all ace at giving the evil eye. I think it’s part of their training. I finally just gave in and bought some of that floss that’s kind of spongy except when you pull it tight.

Byronic dude! Being a dentist myself, I specially loved your post. Infact it has acted as an incentive for me to write some funny accounts of my personal interaction with patients. And teeth becoming from flute to piano.
Congrats on being FP!
😉

That’s a great idea – I bet people would actually love to get the other side of the chair, so to speak. I’m sure having after a thousand people in a row complaining that their teeth hurt and their gums are receding, but who are unwilling to spend 45 seconds flossing you’d feel like a lunatic.

This is a hoot! I was relieved on my last visit to have fab teeth so I confessed to the hygienist my secret tool for the molars the back that are too close together for floss…warning her it was gross. (magazine subscription cards, the corner. Yeah, I know.)

She told me she once had a client from Texas who flossed with copper wire.

This is simply amazing. I’ve had multiple trips to the dentist over the past 2 years and this latest one does regular cleanings, deep cleanings, and cleanings that almost touch your brain and require numbing.

I’m not saying that I fear the dentist, but I have a hate love relationship with him. I hate to go but I love to leave!

Great post! I share your hesitance about the dentist. Since I was little I had the same dentist so you couldn’t hide anything from him. I never got the nod of great approval no matter how hard I tried lol.

This is hysterical. Exactly my experience at the dentist. And I do get a rousing “You look great, Fantastic! Keep up the good work!” every six months. Maybe flossing isn’t all that important after all? I floss religiously…every time I eat pop corn, which is about ever six months or so…Now that I think about it, usually about the time of my next cleaning!

Congrats on the Freshly Pressed! I was at the dentist on Thursday to have a veneer repaired. A big beefy rib was a cruel beast and hurt it! Anyway, I have a huge crush on my dentist and thus I have been taking better care of my teeth, I mean, you don’t want a man that you’d like to have an old fashioned make out session with to think you don’t floss well enough!

Hm, you could certainly find ways to flirt – if he’s in to hiking, just come in saying “I think I chipped my tooth on a granola bar. No? My mistake.” He may get suspicious, though, when you’re coming in every 2 weeks for a check up.

As a hygienist I couldn’t help but laugh after reading this post. I always wonder whats going on through the minds of those patients clenching to their seats =) I’m glad you’ve been converted into a flosser! I really try my best not to give people a hard time about flossing because honestly I didn’t floss everyday until hygiene school. Its not the end of the world as some of us may make it seem but we’re just trying to look out for your health in the long run. And as for our instruments, I wish the scraping sound wasn’t so awful, but the more you do between the 6 months you don’t see us, the less noise you’ll hear.

The dentist often just, like … looks at my teeth, you know? And I never know what they’re thinking. Good or bad? They take x-rays occasionally and never tell me if they found anything, so I’m sitting there going “Okay, do I have good teeth or not?”

Also, when I had braces they gave me these elastic bands for them. Then I went to have my braces tightened and he gave me another bag, and I still had most of the first lot left. And then the next time he tightened my braces he tried to give me ANOTHER bag! So I told him I had loads left and he was really surprised … was I supposed to eat them or something?

I don’t know. Dentists are crazy.

Then there’s my brother. They’re literally just about to do his filling and he goes, “Why did you become a dentist?” Hmm … great moment to ask. Not.

Well, this is a timely post for me as I’m booked to see my dentist on Wednesday! I am always worried about going… not only because of cost- but I’m always worried about getting a lecture from the dentist…. well, it has worked, I floss religiously now…lol

I thought I’d never get to the end of your comments, congrats . I can’t sleep and after reading your post AND am due a dentist appointment, I don’t think I’ve got any hope of getting any sleep to-night

Ha! Enjoyable post! The old dentist was right though. Given a choice between flossing and brushing–I would choose flossing. So many people brush at least three times a day, but never floss–and it shows (or rather, smells)! Before brushing, after each meal–I floss over the kitchen sink (living alone has its advantages), and I always use unwaxed floss. Floss with the waxed stuff, you might as well not floss at all. Unwaxed floss is getting harder to find, in stores–so I treat it almost like gold.

“Now maybe my previous dentist was an escaped war criminal (I reported him as one, just in case), or maybe my current dentist is incompetent – roaming from room to room saying “Wow! Looks great!””

First i thought, the dentist roaming from room to room saying “wow! looks great!” about YOUT TEETHS, you know, like running around in his dental-practise, being all exited, telling everyone of how amazed he is by your teeth :))
haha, anyway, funny blog…

LOL Definitely a market for the encouraging, complimenting only dentitst. I really need one as I tend to not reutrn to the same one for fear they see that my gums have not improved. I wonder if that the same quirky gene that makes me clean the house so that the maid doesn’t see how messy I am?

Ha ha so funny! I’m a terrible flosser, quite inconsistent and I always dread cleanings. They always ask “Have you been flossing?” and I do the same thing I floss like a ton of times right before I go thinking that it’s gonna fix it!

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