Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Quick Takes

William Smith, convicted of raping and killing a woman, was put to death today by lethal injection when his appeal on the grounds of mental instability was rejected by the Ohio Supreme Court. He requested a last meal of Doritos and a Pepsi. Based on his last meal menu selection alone, the higher court could have been mistaken on the 'mental instability' plea according to ACLU observers.

300,000 Hizballah showed up in Beirut, Lebanon to support Syria's occupation. But close examination of unimpeachable AP photographs reveal 150,000 Lebanese citizens with pistols pointed at their heads by 150,000 Assad 'democracy mentors.'

Bill Clinton is undergoing surgery this Thursday to remove scar tissue resulting from his earlier heart bypass operation. The procedure is considered routine. No word yet on how the U.S. will ever remove the scar tissue Clinton left on the American presidency, but researchers at the Mayo Clinic are hopeful of a breakthrough soon.

Ted Kennedy's proposal to hike the minimum wage by $2.10 an hour was rejected by Congress. Ted's lunch of a rib eye steak sandwich, fries and eight martinis was rejected into the men's toilet, second stall, down the hall from the Senate chambers. There is no plan to reintroduce either.

Daniel Ortega, former head of the Communist dictatorship in Nicaragua, is running for president in upcoming elections there. Bush administration officials were briefly concerned until it was learned Bob Shrum was running his campaign. Ortega's bid is further hampered by name association with an inferior brand of salsa.