more less than good news...

Friday, February 27, 2009

so moving is decidedly not going smoothly, there are problems w/ the new place (like the only heat in the apt, a gas fireplace, not working; the kitchen faucet leaking like crazy; the "screaming" toilet; no light/power on the private patio; and the landlord not returning my calls), and between work, waiting for utilities so we can see etc, and fubar schedules and my dr's appointment we're no-where near to packed although we have to pick up the rental truck saturday

and a lot of friends are having major problems themselves right now - i wish i could make it better for all of us...

but what's really got me down is the results from the doctors appointment which wasted half my day yesterday and cost me $1600+ for the visit and the meds for the next 30-60 days depending on the medication (and that doesn't include the meds that i can actually get at walgreen's) - and so far bc/bs won't cover a cent of my treatment - i can't really afford this, but without treatment i'd be killing myself...

he's been running more tests and i'm getting worse, not better

my adrenal system has gotten a bit better in some ways so i get to stop taking cortisol, but thyroid function, systemic yeast infection, and overly coagulative blood is worse - so more thyroid meds (smaller doses 2x/day), back on heparin, fluconazole (which i can only tolerate for about 10 days before it makes me really sick), double the dose of the anti-coag pills to 2 2x/day and add nystatin in the hopes of getting that back under control

and he wants me back on <20g of carbs/day (which means more weight loss - i DO NOT need/want to lose weight, but my body doesn't react well to that few carbs and it just happens)

oh, and apparently i have fibromyalgia - he's ruled out all the other possible causes for some of my symptoms - it's not chronic fatigue as a result of the thyroid issues which was the original thought...

so more drugs for that including clonazipram and flexoril (the later was previously prescribed only for bad pain days) every night to see if they help - if i'm understanding his diagnosis correctly i've probably had fibro for years (since grad school at least) and been mis-diagnosed and treated incorrectly - luckily i'm allergic to most nsaids so at least the wrong treatment for the pain didn't destroy my liver...

the diagnosis explains some of the difficulty concentrating and multi-tasking which are fairly new; it's entirely possible that the stress of my split going to hell coupled with the excessive work hours last spring/summer/fall worsened my mild symptoms to what i'm dealing with now - which is terrifying to me - i'm making stupid mistakes and finding i have to triple check myself on simple things - also new

gah - how am i supposed to react to this? i do everything i can to take good care of myself; eat right (eat really well actually), exercise regularly, try desperately to get enough sleep (i've been tracking it; i average 7.5-8 hours a day, although i always wake up at least once during that time, usually more), i try to do what the doctors recommend, and i just seem to get worse

and even with the added meds i still can't fucking get to sleep - insomnia is recognized as both a potential cause/aggravator of and a symptom of fibro

wow - depressing post; is it sunday yet? (can't go dancing tomorrow; moving takes precedence; i intend to be out sunday though or i may lose it the rest of the way) - i hope that given some time i'll learn to cope with this too, but really - wtf have i done to make this my life? i don't want to spend the rest of my life coping, i want to enjoy being alive

comments are screened; no comment necessary if it's just an i'm sorry or a hug - i know that already and i love you all for the good thoughts