"I am Still Learning " – Michelangelo

Back To You

Self Reflection seems to keep creeping in as the the thing that compels me to write. For a month or so I haven’t been posting because I felt like too much self reflection would be pushing me further from where I would like to go with this blog. But on second thought, I’ve realized in large part this is exactly where I want to go. Seasons change, and at this moment I am still in a season of returning to who I am.

We come into this world as children. We live like we are invincible. We climb bookshelves. We dream big. We decide what we love without the decision being clouded by the pursuit of money. Everything is a possibility. We know what we want and we will disrupt everything around us until we get it or until some adult assures us it’s not gonna happen. Our minds and our hearts are as pure as they will ever be. Then something happens, day by day we are conditioned to learn how to live in the “real world”. We learn that those shoes that were just fine as a five year old aren’t cool enough as a fifth grader. We learn that you had better fall in line and put yourself in a position to be able to be of value to some company or person that will employ you and regularly cut you a check. We are made to believe that certain routes are the best routes to success and if you don’t take them you’ve missed the boat. You live and you live and for some you find your calling early without ever losing yourself to the noise. But for others we find ourselves becoming more and more confused and fearful of moving out into uncharted territory. You do exactly what you have been conditioned for. You realize that if you don’t work you don’t eat. You suck it up, get in where you fit in and you Live. You find Love, You have a beautiful family but there is a void that remains. You wonder how this could be because happiness is present in many areas but inside on a personal level there is still something missing.

I believe that when it is all said and done we will all as individuals have to give account for not only how we have loved others, but for how we have loved ourselves. I am not talking about the kind of love that is sourced from vanity. I am talking about the kind of Love for the one that created us that makes us want to use the opportunity to live and the gifts he has given us to live to our full potential. I realize the void that I began to feel and I am sure many others feel also is a symptom of the realization of our disconnection from our true purpose and our fear of pursuing it. Upon realizing this, I also had to acknowledge the fact that I had gotten so far from who I am that my first journey would be figuring that out and doing so without any shame or judgement. Getting to this point at this age is admittedly scary. I find myself worrying about what will happen if I committ myself fully to living life the way I want to live it. What will happen to my family, what if I don’t succeed? What does failure look like? Is it living out of a car? Is it losing everything? Is failure really not an option? But with every single day my answer is getting closer and closer to being we are about to try and see. I’ve come to the conclusion not jumping is gonna hurt a hell of a lot more than dumbing myself down for employment. I am grateful for every mistake I’ve had the opportunity to learn from. I’m grateful for every experience and person I’ve had the opportunity to learn from. But at this point I am starting to develop an inner rage and I no longer want to live the harnessed life. I can’t just keep smiling and carrying on. Because at this point it’s starting to hurt. A couple of weeks ago I was able to spend a week at the beach with my family. It was our first week long vacation together since Kelly and I have been together. I had an amazing time, it was complete bliss! I couldn’t help but wonder, why did it take so long? Why aren’t we doing these kinds of things more often? The answer is simple. I(WE) aren’t in the position to do so. I had to ask myself, Stan, what are you going to do about that? My answer is whatever it takes. It’s nobody’s responsibility but mine. Time on earth isn’t infinite, if it isn’t moving you towards your goals, In a timely fashion maybe there needs to be serious consideration of letting it go. I am learning make life changes isn’t about feeling bad about the changes that have to be made. It’s not about feeling like you are ungrateful what you are choosing to leave behind. It’s about walking the path that has been laid before you. As I said earlier, we will have to give account as individuals. Our Parents, Children, Spouses, Friends or Jobs will not be able to do that for us. So if you feel what I’m talking about Just know you’re not alone. Keep Pushing. Keep Getting Closer and before we know it we’ll be right where we want to be.

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