God Damned Teenagers and Their Ridiculous Nicknames Make Me Crazy!

The problem with young people today is that they have ridiculous nicknames.

Back in my day, young people had sensible nicknames like “Shorty” or “Red” or “Spanky” and “Buckwheat.” Solid, dependable nicknames that you could count on to see you through the good times and the bad. Nicknames that would last you a lifetime.

But these young people today, they have nicknames like “DXMST,” “DJ Ice Dam” and “Pee Diddly.” God damned ridiculous names that sound like acronyms for the space program, chemical compounds or the tail end of a rude limerick.

They’ve driven the Buick out of Stupidville and arrived safely in Assclown County, folks. I mean really, if I had ever asked my old dad to call me “Phat A” he would have brained me with a pair of ice tongs and changed my nickname to “that idiot boy.” And he’d have been right to do it.

Just what the Hell do they think they are accomplishing with these stupid handles. How idiotic must you be to think that calling yourself Fed X is going to give you more credibility and get you more respect.

Sorry kids but changing your name from Greg to “Tre Fierce” doesn’t make you a gangster or change the fact that you’re a 110 pound lactose intolerant sophomore with acne, no girlfriend and a lateral lisp.

It’s a god damned national disgrace and it better change soon. If our young people keep up with this nonsense our fine country will become the laughing stock of the free world.

Well, when that day comes, you can call me “Stone Cold Embarrassed as Hell.”

They have ridiculous nicknames. That’s the problem with young people today.

I agree with you on this one, Don! My friends all call me either Gerard or “G”. I never understood all these stupid nicknames that people have. The Lils, Da, etc. all get me upset. Oh well, what can we do about it?

Once again,
Gerard

P.S: Has anyone ever told you that you’re like Clint Eastwood’s character in Gran Torino? You remind me of him so much. If you haven’t see the movie, I’d recommend it. It’s awesome.

I’ve thought that over and though I don’t care for the nickname my groups of friends are generally decent people unlike the douche bags I know and have talked to in other groups so I think for now I’ll keep them lol

The lovey-dovey pet names are upsetting too but mainly because people don’t have the damned decency to keep them private. If you want to call your spouse “sugar lips” that’s your business, just don’t make me listen to it while I’m at the Winn Dixie. Enough to put me off my pop tarts.

And as for cat-calling “Yo Sugar lips” well that’s just damned rude. In my day, we respected women.

I have to say, dear Archie, that pichkoo reminds me very much of serbian/croatian word “pichka” which is a very rude word meaning vagina. I am deliberatly avoiding rude english word with the same meaning.
I respect mr. Mills, you know….
Anyway if somebody calls you pichkoo again…think about it

I agree that it’s a tad uncomfortable when nicknames don’t make sense Don but, then again, neither does the term itself. It derives from ekename which means additional name … where does Nick come in anyway? What concerns me more is the way they spell their Christian names – Coni? Keven? Seriously.

I so agree. I don’t know what it’s like in your part of the world but here in Australia boys used to be given names like John, William, James, Robert, Charles, George, Henry, Thomas, Edward, or David. Now you have to call your boys Tory, Ethan, Logan, Kyle, Aiden, Jayden, Josh, Tyler, Zack, Gage, Kai, Landon, Xander, or Troy.

It’s no better with the girls. They all used to be Elizabeth, Mary, Margaret, Barbara, Patricia, Carol, Catherine, Julie, Jacqueline, and Jane. I don’t know any girls called that any more. Now they’re all Brody, Madison, Alyssa, Chloe, Hailey, Mia, Brook, Trinity, Riley, Jade, Leah, Ashlyn, or Brooklyn. Brooklyn? You might as well call her Yonkers…

Shortening “Micheal” to “Mike”, or “Anthony” to “Tony” is all well and good, but could we please not shorten “Randall” to “Randy”? It’s not terribly common here, but in England of course “Randy” means “Horny”.

I’ve been here long enough that it winds up on my credit cards and utility bills. So now I have to go around telling people “I’m Randy” or they can’t find my name in the computer. Isn’t it enough that it’s usually true – must I really be forced to go around admitting it all the time?

I see your point there, lad. “Randy” is a damned unfortunate short-form and there’s no question about that. Still, as you point out, it could be worse. Richard is bad and William isn’t a walk in the park either.

I knew a lad from Scotland who was named William after his father. His old dad was “Big Willie” and my poor friend was forever known as “wee Willie”. Died a bachelor.

I couldn’t agree more Don! I gave my step son a good old fashion nickname about 5 years ago. We all call him “Beaver” “The Beav” or just “Beav” because of his striking resemblance to Beaver Cleaver. He could also pass as Opie Taylor. 😀

First, I feel obligated to state how great a site you have here. It’s one of the funniest sites on my frequent visits list and there is a good message contained within each blog post. Please keep up the great work!

Having completed gushing, I would like to add one point to this nicknames post. You mentioned a few key nicknames from the better days, but I’m afraid you neglected one of the most important names in the short history of our great nation: Stinky. We all had a Stinky growing up. He may not have been stinky, but over time the name just seemed to fit him. Stinky was always there for us when we needed him and I know I wouldn’t be the same person I am today if it wasn’t for Stinky and all the Stinkys around the world.

That’s the problem with young people today, there aren’t enough “Stinkys”.

I suppose if the nickname fits it’s OK, like if you’re a delivery guy “Fed X” might be appropriate, but then again you might need a lawyer to fend off a copyright suit… and “Phat A”, well I’m pretty sure thats not a complement.

No nicknames for me, Sander has always worked perfectly. There was this one time where somebody noticed that you got the name of a certain illegal herb if you added a letter to my surname, but ..convincing him that it wouldn’t be a good nickname didn’t take long.

I was never called Donnie when I was lad. My mom called me Donald and my dad mostly referred to me as “boy.” They didn’t believe in adding unneccessary vowels to the end of someone’s name. Just seemed wasteful, I suppose.

Nicknames are one thing, they can come and go, just pack your bags and move to another town or preferably country, as it is a good character building experience to live in a different culture I think, and you can erase that terrible nickname. I think the bigger problem is parents who give their kids terrible real names, names that were not well thought out you know. I knew a kid back when I was in school, and his last name was Crocket. Guess what his parents named him . . . you guessed it. Davy. Davy Crocket. Now Davy Crocket might be a good character, but damn that kid got teased! Actually sadly, about ten years ago he took his own life. One has to wonder if being teased all the time as a kid could have contributed to that.

Of course, I want to be the devils advocate, and say that sometimes a silly nickname can be like an inside joke for your friends and you, and a nickname that seems lame at first can sometimes end up being endearing after awhile. Now when you were a kid, what would your grandparents have thought about someone being called “Stinky” or a big fat guy being called “Slim”. It’s all relative. However I do agree, that sometimes it seems like people are trying so hard to be anything other than themselves.

Just recently discovered your blog through my favorite blog, http://www.onegoodmove.org/1gm/ and I do got to say I find it pretty funny. Keep it up, take it on the road.

Oh, and I teach English in South Korea. Often the kids want to take english nicknames. Sometimes the school wants you to give them English nicknames. I never did force it on them and if they wanted one I let them pick their own. One kid wanted to be “Santa Claus”. I figured, what the hell, go for it. These days I’m teaching in a University, so generally they don’t do the nickname thing. I kind of prefer it, as I think they shouldn’t feel like their Korean names are for some reason not good enough. If I study Korean I am not pressured to take a Korean name, though I did take one, just to be fair and put myself in the same boat. My Korean nickname is Kim Chul Su, which is funny because it’s the name they always use in textbook dialogues, so it’s kind of like the equivalent of being called John Doe, it’s always good for a laugh.

I have only just recently had the good fortune to stumble upon your very fine and humorous blog. It’s not often I get the opportunity to guffaw out loud (gol?) especially at the expense of these silly young whipper snippers that infest the Internet these days.

I too, am absolutely horrified at the nicknames (handles?? in MY day, handles were on doors or cups or teapots!)

Have you noticed how some of them particularly like to leave out the VOWELS (not that young people these days KNOW what a vowel is!!) An example is “Sldghmmr” – presumably he means “Sledgehammer”?? no doubt a big lad with a very small penis? or he’s a tub of lard who can’t fit outside his bedroom door anymore so he is now doomed to play video games for the rest of his entire life?

Goodness gracious me, Mr Mills, these young people today with their “yo sup dudes” , their “wassups”, their “fo shizzles”
Poor Shakespeare would be turning in his grave !!

My son & his friends have some really goofy nicknames for each other – mostly in response to some of the asinine nicknames that are out there – something like mock nicknames. The “more common” nicknames between each other, though (non-mocking…more geared toward personality traits), are akin to oxymoron-style nicknames (one kid calls my son “Shorty” because he’s so tall); or Psycho for one kid who is really mellow/quiet/mild-mannered.

Then again, I’m still working with my son in the hopes that one day he’ll realize that while appearances don’t “matter” – they are the first thing adults see, and he will be judged on appearance before he’s judged on character. Not to mention, one day, I’ll be earning terrific blackmail money from him to keep the pictures of him in his ridiculous outfits & hairstyles away from his wife/girlfriend/children… *huge evil grin*

You’re darn right about being judged on appearance before character and – for better or worse – having a ring through your nose, ear, tongue, check, eyebrow and lip tends to make a pretty strong statement.

I hope I’m not running out of topics! I thought I was just warming up. I haven’t even had a crack at swearing, rudeness, arrogrance, piercings, and being disrespectful behaviour yet. (And that’s just the list of gripes I picked up in line at Wal-Mart this morning.)

Still….Keep on me, son, and if you think I’m spinning my wheels or missing the mark, you be sure to let me know.

Don, I agree with you. I hate those stupid nick-names. I only have one that my friends gave me. And that is Scope. And they only call me that, because they saw the bottle of Scope Mouthwash that I have.

I concur.
Furthermore, I feel like you’ve underestimated the severity of this catastrophe, dear Donald. These nickname shenanigans are the #1 catalyst for an identity crisis, which usually leads to self-medicating – that leads into addictions – Interventions – reality TV – More people checking out your Myspace page – a detached, self-centered society.

First of all, I have to say that I love reading your posts, even if they are totally stereotyped and are only true for a tiny percent of teens. They are hilariously.

I have to disagree with you on the nicknames, though. No one at my school has weird nicknames, and the only ones who do have nicknames like Kris instead of Kristopher, Andy instead of Andrian, and Sam instead of Samuel.

I have far too many nicknames. I go by my middle name, which is Regina. It has been shortened mostly, to Reggie. I am fine with that. Since I often read Japanese literature or anime the suffix -Chan has been added to it, which is generally a famine suffix. My close friend often call me Reggie-Chan which I think is cute. I make fun of the Terminator movies so I have been called the Reginator. Some one once some how miss spelled Regina and spelled it “Regian”, like the former president. I think I was for a time called Edgy Reggie.“ The same person also called me Re-g-unit, which I slapped her repeatedly for so that nickname mostly stopped. A German girl also used to call me “Reginer”, though that may have just been her accent. My first name rhymes with Caffeine, and as some one who drinks a lot of coffee I was been called that.

One of my teachers who is my friend’s father calls me petunia or weasel, I really do not know why. I once had to play a Tuna fish in school play so I was called Ms. Fish, Tuny or, Queen of atlantes, because I had a crown on. Being a red head I have been called, red headed, red, ginger, though never cherry, that I an remember.

I stand at about five feet tall and an inch, so I have been called shorty or many variations there of. Having taken martial arts at various points on my life I have been called “Karate kid” or “Numchuck girl” One of my best friends when I was twelve or so called me Reese’s, as that was my favorite candy.

I have difficulties sleeping so I was dubbed “”The insomniac”. One girl also called me Monkey and Sita, because I used those names as inter net monkers. I have been called Äthos”, from the three musketeers because one of my group of friends refered to them selves as the “Three musketeers.””There are at a dozen more I am forgetting

How confusing. See, in Aussie, you’d have none of this trouble. You’re a redhead? Your name is “Blue”. Simple. Even people who never met you know your nickname. “G’day, Blue!” Just like everyone knows short strangers are called “Stretch”. Good on you , Blue!

In my city the nickname are and necessarylake in the westerne movie “morning” or “little bear” on the nickname to the peculiarity of a person, my friends, Karim Gazouza (Gazouza in lake coca cola drink) so you can guess the cheerful personality of the person I gave my text to Google to translate it and I hope it will turn too)

Mr. Mills,
My name is Sherrod and this article is funny and true. My nick name is Roddy because of my first name. It reall suits me. I’m 18 and these other teens with their “D-Money, 10 cent and K-mon.” That gets really annoying. I like to make them mad by calling them by their first names.

I accept some of you guys don’t like this and all, and of course its your opinion. But, I’m 15 yrs you see, and I reckon you guys need to grow up and get over it! Its just a nickname, we get a laugh and a kick out of it because we don’t have, um, marbles? to play with these days. And by the way, what kind of a name is Spanky or BUCKWHEAT!?!? That’s not sensible at all, it’s MUCH worse than anything I’ve ever heard.

*shudders again* Yuck. Those are some of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard. Who would WANT to be called something like that? Probably just us brain damages young people, haha.

I’m proud to say that the only nicknames I’ve ever had were derivatives of my name, thank you very much, and I sure as heck don’t want some dumb ass nickname that doesn’t sound a t hing like my real name or that just makes me sound deranged.

Either ways, this is hilarious! Also…do you have any idea HOW people come up with these? I’m lost, and seeing as you’re a superior senior citizen, I thought you might know…. : )

Also….I should really direct my brother to your site. He has the nicknames “A-Dude”, and “Australia”, respectively. We don’t like anywhere near Australia, *shakes head*

Another post that kept me laughing. Our neighbor’s daughter ran away and got married to a guy named Snake last year. And my cousin’s brother-in-law, named Mark, insists on being call Mario. My niece’s ex-boyfriend actually likes his nickname – Nemo – that’s the name of a cartoon fish. By the way, Nemo and Snake are brothers.