Divorce is messy, overwhelming, scary, and hard. A qualified attorney can help clients navigate the process, but the most successful divorces occur when clients help themselves. Here are the things we strongly recommend to anyone facing or currently undergoing a divorce. We are certain it relieves the burden-both long and short term- of this major life event.

Engage an attorney you trust, tell your attorney the truth about everything, and follow his/her instructions and recommendations.

Understand that divorce is a process and does take time; buckle up for the ride and resist the urge to “just get it over with.”

Leave your kids out of it—protect them, nurture their relationship with you and with your soon to be ex and take the high road in all respects—parent them first.

Be reasonable. Spending $100 in legal fees to chase $50 is a waste of your time. Be willing to cut your losses where it is practical to do so. Don’t go to trial or fight endlessly over something for which you have a low likelihood of success.

Decide what matters most, and negotiate your divorce agreement according to those priorities.

Have reasonable expectations. In a good divorce, BOTH parties walk away unhappy. You will not get everything you want. Be prepared to compromise.

Reach an agreement before appearing before a judge, if at all possible. Even a bad agreement is better than a good trial. You and your spouse, with the help of competent attorneys, are in the best position to negotiate a divorce agreement that is tailor made to your family. You will not have that luxury with a Judge.

Be civil, and don’t burn your bridges. Ultimately the best thing for you, your soon to be ex and your children is for you and your soon to be ex to communicate and be able to deal civilly with one another. The investment you make in having a civil relationship will come back to you a hundred-fold in the future. Don’t make anyone the bad guy—even if they deserve it. Civility is a huge investment in reaching resolution and staying out of Court both now, and in the future.

If you’re facing a divorce and in need of legal support, contact RFC today.

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There are no punitive damages. Not for extra-marital affairs, not for being the spouse seeking the divorce, and generally not for other conduct unless it has a significant impact on the health or finances of the parties or children.

What goes around comes around. If you disparage your spouse to your children and to others in order to cause pain to your spouse, it is likely to cause significant long term pain to your children, and ultimately to you as well, causing wounds which may never heal. More about how to handle divorce with your children in Silver Linings, the book.

Alimony is gender neutral. For the successful higher earning men and women of Massachusetts, you may pay alimony to your soon to be ex in a divorce.

You can’t have it both ways. An equitable divorce in the eyes of the law may be one in which both parties walk away feeling unhappy. For every benefit there is generally a corresponding burden. Your idea of “fair” may not comport with the Court’s view of fairness.

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You can’t “stop” a divorce. We have no fault divorce in Massachusetts. If one spouse wants a divorce, a divorce will be granted, even over the objections of the other.

A recent Globe Magazine article by Louise Sloan entitled Massachusetts Needs to Divorce Its Divorce Law presented some valid arguments on behalf of payors of alimony, and arguments for reform in Massachusetts. However, there are reasons alimony exists, and can still be necessary in divorce scenarios. Here are some reasons why we shouldn’t discount alimony altogether:

Alimony is not always a “bad word.” It has a legitimate purpose and function for recipients (men and women alike) who have no ability to support themselves for any number of reasons. Medical problems, advanced age or a long history out of the work force raising children (sometimes special needs children) are some of those reasons. We did not always live in a “two-parent working” society. There was often a breadwinner and a “stay at home” parent, and this still occurs today, albeit less frequently. Parties who marry make deals together–you work and I raise the kids–expecting the marriage to be ‘until death do you part’ and when there is a parting before death, adjustments are sometimes necessary.

When a divorce occurs, individuals are sometimes left in unequal financial positions. A higher earning spouse may leave the marriage with the ability to earn a substantial income and save for retirement, and his/her spouse may leave the marriage with little or no income or ability to earn, much less an ability to save for their retirement.

Alimony is the vehicle which attempts to fairly compensate for a disparity in earnings and lost economic opportunities in some way–especially after a long-term marriage. Alimony is not appropriate in every case, but neither should it be abolished altogether. The amount of alimony should not be excessive—it should be reasonable and not exceed the needs of the recipient. It should not be a windfall for either party. It should address the resulting economic impact of marriage, but also require both parties to maximize their earning potential where appropriate. Sloan’s article suggests that if a payor loses their job or retires under the “old” law, or if a recipient cohabits under the “old” law, the payor still has to pay alimony no matter what; this is simply not the case unless the parties specifically bargained for these types of fixed and unending obligations. It is important to note that in many cases, there is the possibility of modifying an alimony obligation.

Change doesn’t happen overnight. The Alimony Reform Act made substantial revisions to alimony laws that primarily benefitted payers to the detriment of recipients. Prior to this reform, thousands of divorced parties had already entered into agreements based upon facts particular to their case and the law at that time; these already existing contracts should not be retroactively modified automatically. Parties are entitled to the benefit of the bargain they made, and due respect needs to be given to the agreements reached by parties many years or even decades ago. Sweeping, automatic retroactive changes to those agreements as suggested by the article can leave one party in dire circumstances or financially damaged without adequate relief. The Courts have done a good job of trying to carefully balance both interests, and should continue to do so.

A divorce involves much more than the granting of an actual divorce by a Court. There are many complexities depending on a couple’s circumstances that will have to be analyzed and accounted for in each individual divorce process. Here are some areas a divorce attorney can help you navigate specific to your situation.

Child support and related decisions

Who will have legal custody of the minor children, and allocation of parenting time between the parties to the divorce?

Who will carry the children’s health insurance, and who will pay for the health expenses of the children that are not covered by insurance?

How much child support will be paid by one parent to the other, and who will pay the expenses for the children?

Who will be responsible for college decisions and payment of college education for the children?

Life insurance is typically ordered by a court to secure the payment of support in the event one of the parents dies before the children are “emancipated”—which can be anywhere from age 18-23 for a child; how much life insurance should each parent maintain and for how long and who should be named as beneficiary?

Division of assets

What is the full list of assets in question? This can include the home, pensions and retirement plans, bank and investment accounts, inheritances, and many, many other assets, regardless of when or how they were acquired.

How will the assets be divided between the parties and what is the value of each of the assets?

Who will be responsible for any losses or gains on accounts or assets from the time of divorce to the time the assets are actually divided?

Who will be responsible for the mortgages, debts, credit cards and other liabilities?

Alimony

Will one party pay alimony to the other, and for how long and under what circumstances?

Will that amount be subject to change?

If there is no provision for alimony, can either party petition the Court for alimony in the future?

Will one party be required to continue health insurance coverage for the other party, and who will pay the extra cost of that spouse’s coverage?

Will additional life insurance be required to secure the payment of alimony in the event of the death of the payor before the termination of alimony?

Taxes

How will taxes work now that the couple is separated?

Will support be tax deductible/includable to the parties?

Who will receive a joint tax refund or make a joint tax payment?

Who will be entitled to take the income tax dependency exemption for the children?

Who pays the tax consequences of a stock or other account that has to be liquidated?

What about the capital gains tax on the house once it’s sold—who will be responsible for that?

Contingencies…

A court has to decide whether an agreement between the parties will be permanent and binding, or more modifiable, and what happens if one party dies.

What happens if a party disobeys the orders of the Court?

A court will have to inquire into whether the parties have fully disclosed all of their assets and liabilities, and what happens if it is later determined that a party was hiding an asset or a debt?

The granting of a “judgment of divorce” is a simple procedure; however, the resolution of all of the above issues is far more complicated. Caution dictates that you secure the advice of a seasoned attorney who concentrates in divorce and family law to insure that your rights now and in the future are fully protected, and too be sure all of the above issues are discussed, identified and resolved.

If you do not deal with these issues at the time of your divorce, you may find yourself in Court over and over again wrestling with issues that should have been dealt with at the divorce. Contact Ryan Faenza Carey LLC for a consultation today.

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At Ryan Faenza Carey, we support clients with very different factors that must be taken into consideration during family law matters, including divorce. In this post of a multi-part series, Attorney Kara Carey offers a quick download on how Massachusetts rules on child support, and how long parents are expected to provide it for their child(ren).

How long do I have to pay child support? Even if my child lives at college?

Until your child is emancipated. In Massachusetts, child support does not automatically terminate at age 18. In fact, it can continue until age 23. The Child Support Guidelines in Massachusetts offer a formula on how to determine child support payments. However, there is discretion amongst the judges in the amount to be paid for children in the 18 – 23 age bracket.

If a child joins the military or gets married, it is clear that the child support ends. If a child is under 21, but lives with a parent and is dependent on that parent, child support is likely to continue, but may be at a reduced level depending the child’s needs.

For child support to continue past 21, the child must be living with a parent at some point during the year, be dependent on that parent and be enrolled in an educational program. If a child is enrolled in an educational program, it is clear that child support does not end, but the amount paid towards tuition may offset the amount of the support payment. Divorced parents should anticipate that the court will require some contribution from both parents towards college costs; the amount depends on the financial circumstances of the parties.

The Court does not terminate support upon a child attending college for four years; if the child continues to be enrolled in an educational program (but not beyond an undergraduate degree), the support can continue until the child is 23.

Child support can vary based on age of children, financial status and ability for the parent to pay. If this could be a consideration in your divorce, contact us to see how we can help.