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A stage parody of the 1970s sitcom Three's Company has been stuck in legal limbo ever since the original copyright owners of the ABC classic filed a lawsuit, but now the playright is striking back, and he has the support of the theater community.
The original sitcom starred the late John Ritter, Joyce DeWitt, and Suzanne Somers, and centered around Jack Tripper, a straight guy who pretended to be gay so he could live with two women (which is about as close to a real live gay person that 1970s network television allowed). Like all things gazed at through hindsight, we realized that the premise of a straight man pretending to be gay so that he could stay at an apartment with two women is silly, and the fact that he kept this charade up for seven whole years, and between two different landlords, and seemingly endless clones of Suzanne Somers (how many cousins could Chrissy really have?) is beyond preposterous.
As such, Three’s Company was in need of a good dissection, and playwright David Adjimi stepped up to the call. Adjmi intended to unwind the cultural knots and kinks at the heart of the show's premise. His play, titled 3C, intended to a cast a dark shadow over ABC's original perma-sunny Santa Monica. This time, the Jack character ("Brad" in the play) would still pretend to be an openly gay man in order to live in the The Wickers' apartment (the play's version of the Ropers, who were very conservative concerning co-ed roommates and yet surprisingly tolerant of homosexuality, huh?). This time around, though, the lead isn't straight, but a closeted gay man... pretending to be a straight man pretending to be a gay man. Hm.
Adjmi's play 3C ran for two months off-Broadway, and sought to open in even wider distribution, but the play was hit with a cease and desist letter from the copyright holders of Three's Company, who considered the parody to be too similar to the original version. Adjmi shelved the play after threat of legal action, but has since thrown caution to the wind and is attempting to publish the play in an anthology of his own work.
While the courts might find Adjimi at fault for copyright infringement in terms of the law, he is clearly within his rights culturally. Ever since the first stories was ever told, those first stories were mocked by the next batch of stories. Satire is a valuable piece of human expression, and it shouldn't be limited due to copyright claims since parody is already protected under fair use. Furthermore, several other properties, ones much more valuable than Three's Company, have received stage parodies that didn't cheapen the original brand, including The Simpsons (the play Mr. Burns) and Silence of the Lambs (Silence! The Musical). Beyond that, modern parodies often open the subject of satire to a new generation of fans. Three's Company doesn't resonate with many people under a certain age, but a new play examining the cultural mores of late '70s with regards to homosexuality might reintroduce the show into our current discussion of the topic.
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USA Network
Ever hear of an Elevator Pitch? That's where people summarize their ideas or job history and qualities in the amount of time it takes to ride an elevator to the lobby. This is an Elevator Recap for this episode of White Collar. Ready? Going down. Oh, please don't put in those earbuds...
After carefully inspecting the home of the woman that Neal Caffrey (Matt Bomer) thought was Rebecca Lowe (Bridget Regan), he and FBI agent Peter Burke (Tim DeKay) decided to play things like he didn't know what the situation was to avoid spooking Lowe. He was going to meet her for breakfast while the FBI continued searching Lowe's place and adding bugs, but she showed up at his place early and after a quick call by Caffrey, pretending he was going to be late which alerted Burke that it was OK to continue searching her home. An idiot FBI agent dropped a file on a tripwire on the door and it alerted Lowe, but Burke's quick thinking of leaving a Chinese delivery menu made her think it was the menu that set it off. Oh yeah, and Caffrey had told Lowe that he was falling in love with her to buy more time before she left, turning her into a near-giggling schoolgirl.
Burke and Caffrey decided to change the angle and had her come in to the office, where Burke told Lowe that he thought it was Caffrey who had murdered Curtis Hagen (Mark Sheppard) and that she should keep her distance. She then quickly called Caffrey and met him at a nearby park - with about 50,000 undercover agents and Caffrey having a directional mic pen. She was about to blurt out who she was but then spotted the undercovers and fled, comandeering a taxi.
Now that her cover was completely blown, Burke and Caffrey were examining her apartment - with a brief interelude of Lowe sending a warning shot through a window that grazed the debonair con man - and found her go bag with money. After that, they found the gun that she had used to kill Agent David Siegel (Warren Kole) - it was in a construction site that had just had cement poured on the day Siegel died. Burke sent Caffrey home - telling him to stay off the grid. But Caffrey contacted Lowe and then met her (whose real name was Rachel Turner, a traitorous M-5 agent), at a location that she had texted after he promised to give up where the diamond was in exchange for the blackmail video that Hagen had taken at an abandoned church and lured her to kiss him by pretending he didn't want the blackmail video. He handcuffed her to him and destroyed the thumb drive with the video. She tried to escape, but the FBI caught her.
All's well that ends well, right? Burke finalized his going to Washington, telling Caffrey and then his wife, Elizabeth (Tiffani Thiessen), who had been in D.C. in hiding after Burke found Lowe/Turner had a file on her. They toasted to new beginnings. Elsewhere, Caffrey and Mozzie (Willie Garson) were toasting to trying to find the diamond without Lowe/Turner. Caffrey then got a call from the woman herself where she promised she would see him again. Dun Dun Dun.
OK, that was an Elevator Recap where I was a jerk and pushed every button so we'd stop on every floor on the way.
Caffrey's Level of Secrecy
Fairly low, but he did decide that he was going to forge ahead in trying to find the diamond since Burke was moving to Washington. It's going to be interesting to see how he handles dealing with Agent Clinton Jones (Sharif Atkins) as his main handler. Jones, while showing some sympathy to what Caffrey was going through in finding out that he had been conned, isn't as trusting as Burke.
Silly Plot Devices
Lowe suddenly recognizing an FBI agent in the park by the way they stopped acting normal and blatantly standing there with a sign saying, "HI. I AM AN UNDERCOVER COP WATCHING YOU." Of course, it was to keep the plot going since it was halfway through the show, but it always irritates me.
Mozzie's Quirkiness Level
Medium. He was being supportive of Caffrey in the beginning as he was processing that he had been had by Lowe/Turner. "I even profiled her," he said. When Cafrey said he had reached out to the con lady, he said, "This may end with me reciting Proust over your grave." In the end, when he was trying to remember the equation that could lead to the location of the diamond, he did ask for complete silence and rosemary while he meditated. All in all, he was fairly muted this episode.
Caffrey's Relationship Status
What relationship status? He was just completely taken by a woman he had fallen for. Caffrey will probably be off the singles market for a minimum of three episodes into the next season. Right now, his status on Facebook would be "It's Complicated".
Burke Self-Torture Level
Low. He just closed the case on the dead Agent Siegel and he's moving to an even more challenging job in Washington fairly soon. He's happy now. Eventually something's going to get him back in Manhattan, but it'll probably be at some point next season.
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ABC
Now that some of the fat has been trimmed (no, I’m not being derogatory towards women), let the dating begin! The honor of Juan Pablo’s first ever one-on-one goes to Clare Bear, the hairdresser with the heart of gold. JP single-handedly (no, that’s not true) transforms L.A. into a Winter Wonderland complete with an ice skating rink so that he and Clare can flirt like toddlers followed by a very adult dip in the hot tub where she immediately opens up about her dead dad to score some extra bonding points. It’s a rule that every time the Bachelor is submerged in water, he has to kiss the girl nearest to him, so they proceed to smooch. Notably, there was no alcohol during this date – perhaps a first in Bachelor history, so the perceived chemistry was probably real. Does this mean Juan Pablo will be able to avoid the curse of the episode 7 weight gain? We’re looking at you, Sean. The date ends, like most Bachelor dates do with a surprise private concert by a band no one has ever heard of while fake snow falls on the dancing duo.Next up is a one-on-one with Kat who puts on her best chambray shirt for the occasion. She’s whisked away on a private plane. Where to, she muses. Paris? Miami? No, honey. You’re going to Utah for a made for TV rave. Yay! She changes out of her sexy denim into more suitable neon attire before joining masses of people who are all miraculously wearing the same light-up tracksuits. After dosing themselves with ecstasy, they join the 5K dance parade. She gets a rose. Duh. He’s hopped on goof balls. How else would you explain how much fun they're having waving around glow sticks?And now for the group date – every girl’s favorite (said no one on The Bachelor, ever).The theme: A photo shoot for “Models &amp; Mutts” – an organization that pairs pretty women with mangy dogs to raise awareness for shelters. The contestants are all given costumes to wear – with varying range of hellaciousness depending on how much the producers hate them.Highlights
- Elise, the first grade teacher who’s also the softest of the bunch (which is to say she’s still tiny by human standards) is tasked with wearing two pieces of cardboard which will expose her naughty bits. She very cleverly swaps with happy naked Lucy who’s given a giant fire hydrant costume (well played, producers). Lucy is a good sport. Score one for sisterhood!- Andi, the DA, is given but one piece of cardboard to wear. She has a mini meltdown. “I send people to prison for a living ... I’m not that kind of girl ...” (read: I feel bloated today). Juan convinces her to strip down in the least pervy way possible. What a great dad.- Kelly, who is a “dog lover” by trade is dressed like a big poop. Literally, poop: complete with bald cap and brown head to toe makeup. So violently unattractive that she must have done something awful to Chris Harrison. But her good attitude gets her the group date rose. See? It never pays to whine (Andi).At the after party, boring Cassandra (the 21 year-old dancer/makeup artist) tells Juan Pablo she has a two-year old son (you do the math) so now she’s guaranteed to get a rose. Way to bury the lead, Cassie. “That’s a good surprise!” JP says with a face filled with genuine glee, making my ovaries hurt. Victoria drinks too much flat champagne and whips out this gem (it’s best if read slurred): “If Juan Pablo happens to be mine, I’m going to straddle him every day because that’s what life is about, straddling and things...” Classy. She locks herself in a bathroom sobbing because she hasn’t had any alone time with the guy she wants to hump. Renee (Den Mother of the year), slides under the stall door to very sweetly console. Not sanitary or helpful. Juan Pablo -- a veteran in the shutting down little girl tantrums department -- tries next but gets cussed out. Victoria is sent to the nearest Holiday Inn where she can’t be a bad influence on the other impressionable young ladies. Juan Pablo, as usual, is a perfect gentleman about the situation. He kindly executes her the next day in her hotel room. Conclusion: highly emotional drunks are unfit mothers and suitors for sober guys. Then comes the rose ceremony.No real surprises here. The curly haired girl flat irons her hair so she gets to stay. Cassandra’s a mom now so she’s sacrificed. Sharleen is still a b-word but she's "elegant" so gets a pass. Time's up for the only woman of color and Amy is let go after she "interviews" Juan Pablo in a campy, cringe-worthy news anchor routine. Men don't like performance art, missy. When will these women learn?Still high on our power rankings: Clare, Nikki, Andi, ReneeSee ya next week! Until then, cover up and drink in moderation.
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Showtime
Showtime’s hit serial killer drama Dexter may have ended recently, but the show is about to enjoy a second life in syndication. Starring Michael C. Hall as the titular serial killer with a day job as a blood splatter analyst at Miami Metro police department, Dexter became a breakout hit for Showtime during its eight years on the air.
Now the creepy, morally ambiguous drama is heading to NUVOtv, the English-language destination for Latino entertainment. Audiences will be able to relive every kill, or discover the bloody fun of Dexter for the first time.
Before airing the first back-to-back episodes on January 13 at 9pm, Hollywood.com was lucky enough to hop on a call with Dexter stars David Zayas and Lauren Velez. Zayas played the laid-back, Hawaiian shirt-loving detective Angel Batista, while Velez played politically-minded Lieutenant Maria LaGuerta.
Here’s what Zayas and Velez had to say about being on Showtime’s most popular show, the fates of their characters, and what they thought of the controversial series finale:
On favorite behind-the-scenes moments from the show:Velez: I always sort of jump back to the first season with “The Ice Truck Killer.” We came back from some awards show—I think we were all shooting very early that morning—and we’re looking at a box with cut off fingers, and it was such an intense scene. I think Jennifer started laughing, and it created this ripple effect. I mean, we just laughed for a few minutes, and they had to hold the cameras. It was very funny, and we had a lot of moments like that, which were just completely different from what you see on screens.
On diversity in the Dexter universe: Zayas: What caught me about the story was that they kept the integrity of the characters that were Latino. They were in powerful positions—like a detective, lieutenant, district attorney—and they maintained that for the most part throughout the eight years, and that’s something rare. You don’t see that on television too much. I was very proud of the fact that I was part of a show that was multiethnic.
On Dexter’s moral ambiguity: Zayas: I think that not everything is black or white. I think that you see a show about a serial killer, and your initial reaction is that this man is bad. This man is evil. And in watching this show and watching how they’ve created this character, it is not black or white. You do go on the journey with him. There are aspects of his decisions that you agree with, not that you condone what he does, but you start agreeing. You start seeing his world the way he sees it, and you start to understand—not what he’s doing is right—but you start to understand how his brain is working, and you start to understand how society is affecting that.
On LaGuerta’s shocking death:Velez: You know, it was difficult leaving, but I felt it was the perfect time for her to leave. I feel like it was a natural evolution for the character. Somewhere in her she always knew that she was going to have to face this particular evil, not necessarily Dexter, but that’s why she became a cop. There’s something really wonderfully fulfilling about it and bittersweet about leaving my Dexter family. But I’m glad that she left the way she did—not that she was shot, but willing to die for what she believed in.
On the somewhat controversial Dexter series finale: Zayas: As an actor, I’ve always found that my job is not to judge the content in which I’ve agreed to perform in. What I try to do is just find the truth in every moment that they’ve written. So yeah, there was a number of different ways it could’ve ended, but this is the way they chose, and I think the way it was done was very good. But when it comes to how it could have ended, everybody has an opinion, and that’s what makes this medium of television so interesting.
Velez: I don’t know how else it could’ve ended, in truth.
On the high female body count:Velez: What I found fascinating is that we started with three women, and all three of them were dead by the end of the show’s run. I don’t know what that says, but Rita, LaGuerta, and obviously Deb, all because of Dexter — whether directly or indirectly — died.
One of the things about the show that I found absolutely compelling is that there’s no sugar coating it. At the end of the day he is who he is. The episodes can be funny; they can be horrible; they can be tragic-- whatever they are, it never gets away from what Dexter is, which is a killer. We get a glimpse into his life and who he is, and that this could be the average person next door, which I think makes it so fascinating.
What’s Dexter’s weakness? Zayas: As a viewer of Dexter, probably his weakness would be his family. His family has always been a weakness, because to me that’s what has always confused him. When something happened that involved his family, that was always what raised his blood pressure up.
On the fan response at San Diego Comic-Con: Zayas: Well the weirdest thing for me the first time I was at Comic-Con was seeing a bunch of people dressed up like my character. That was kind of jolting to me and kind of weird. But you know, it was interesting, and it was definitely complementary. But I had never been at Comic-Con before, and seeing people dressed like characters of our show was—it took me aback a little bit. I had to get used to that.
Velez: I think the thing that struck me the most is the commitment of the fans, not only to dressing like their favorite characters, but when they came to the panel discussions of the show the questions were so specific and really intelligent. All of them had to do with the moral ambiguity of the show and how it affected their morality. They were just really wonderful insightful questions, and I was sort of floored at how committed the audience was to the show.
Dexter airs every Monday night at 9pm on NUVOtv. Catch a preview below:
Are you excited to catch Dexter from the beginning? Still annoyed at the series finale? Share in the comments!
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The Pizza Underground/Facebook
This must have been what people felt like when they first heard the toe-tappin' sounds of those long-haired beatniks from Liverpool. The musical movement that will, indubitably, define our generation has taken form. Round, hot, cheesy form: Macaulay Culkin's Velvet Underground tribute band The Pizza Underground — the monument of musical creativity that recalibrates the lyrics of classic numbers by Lou Reed and company to focus on the theme of pizza — has released its first video and announced a cross-country tour:
January 24 - Brooklyn @ Brooklyn Night Bazaar w/ French Horn Rebellion, Rush Midnight, Heavenly Beat &amp; Seasick MamaJanuary 25 - Philadelphia @ PhilaMOCA January 26 - New Brunswick @ OutworldJanuary 31 - Austin @ Breakpoint on The BoardwalkMarch 5 - San Francisco @ Neck of The WoodsMarch 6 - West Hollywood @ Whisky A Go GoMarch 7 - San Diego @ Ux31March 8 - Tijuana @ MoustacheMarch 10 - Tucson @ 191 WarehouseMarch 11 - El Paso @ The Lowbrow PalaceMarch 12 - Dallas @ Club DadaMarch 13, 14, 15 - Austin @ SXSWMarch 17 - New Orleans @ Hi-Ho LoungeMarch 18 - Mobile @ Alabama Music BoxMarch 19 - Atlanta @ Mammal GalleryMarch 20 - Raleigh @ KingsMarch 21 - Washington, DC @ Black CatMarch 22 - Brooklyn @ Baby's All Right w/ Total Slacker
Culkin and his bandmates will kick off their two month- and 18 concert-long tour on Jan. 24 in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, gracing states like Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Texas, California, Arizona, Louisiana, Alabama, Georgia, and North Carolina — not to mention stops in Washington D.C. and Mexico — along the while. Surely it is the dream of any kazoothiast to embark on a Kerouacian journey following these polyunsaturated troubadours from start to finish... but that takes a good deal of planning and budgeting. Endeavors that a small percentage of the Pizza Underground's target demographic is willing to brave. Luckily, we have your backs. We here at Hollywood.com are lovers of Culkin, of Lou Reed, of pizza, and of the lost art of itinerary creation. We've come up with a complete fiscal guidebook for the greatest journey ever to befall humankind: following Pizza Underground across the country.
How to Follow The Pizza Underground Across the Country
We'll begin with universal costs: the tickets. Here are the prices for each of the shows on the Pizza Underground tour (those unlisted have not yet been announced to the public):
Brooklyn @ Brooklyn Night Bazaar - FreePhiladelphia @ PhilaMOCA - $15Austin @ Breakpoint on The Boardwalk - Free, but sold outSan Francisco @ Neck of The Woods - $10 - $12West Hollywood @ Whisky A Go Go - $20San Diego @ U-31 - Not yet revealedTijuana @ Moustache - Not yet revealedTucson @ 191 Warehouse - Not yet revealedEl Paso @ The Lowbrow Palace - Not yet revealedDallas @ Club Dada - $13 - $15Austin @ SXSW - Not yet revealedNew Orleans @ Hi-Ho Lounge - $15Mobile @ Alabama Music Box - $10Atlanta @ Mammal Gallery - $10Raleigh @ Kings - $13 adv, $15 doorWashington, DC @ Black Cat - $15Brooklyn @ Baby's All Right w/ Total Slacker - Not yet revealed
You'll notice we left out the New Brunswick @ Outworld venue. That is because there is no evidence that this establishment actually exists. We've tried Google. We've tried asking Jersey residents. We don't know what else to try. Still, we've included New Brunswick in our itinerary, just in case any of you have better luck in unlocking this mystery.
At this point, the ticket price amounts to $121 - $127. Calculating the average price per ticket ($11 - $11.50), we can estimate a total range of $187 - $196. Let's go with $196, to be safe.
So now it's time to discuss transportation. The first basic question mark concerns the long stretch between the first Austin show and the San Francisco show, otherwise known as February. Will you return home (to wherever that may be — we're going to assume Brooklyn) for the month of February, or keep course on the open road, living rogue as pizza surges through your blood?
In order to fund this trip, you might want to have a steady paying job, which will entail (most likely) you to actually do it. This means February should probably be set aside for actual life routines. As such, you'll probably want to stick to your personal automobile or public transport for the Northeast shows, isolate the Breakpoint on the Boardwalk concert with a roundtrip flight to and fro' Austin, and then hit the road (or fly out to Cali) for your trip.
If you're going to isolate Austin... You'll probably want to fly out from JFK, leaving on Jan 30, staying in a local hotel (for which you'll find pricing below) and flying back home on Feb 1. Right now, this will run you approximately $238. You can check a list of flight options here. Once March hits, you can proceed with your plan by either-Flying to San Francisco and traveling on land from there. Presently, a flight to San Francisco will run you about $139 ($124, if you're willing to fly into San Jose). Peruse at your leisure.-Driving to San Francisco via RV or car, and continuing on your journey in said vehicle. (The respective sections below will clue you into the fiscal plans for either method.)
But you might want to skip Austin altogether.We hate to say it, but it could be worth it. First off, the show is presently sold out (although there are always ways...). But its isolated location and date could pose more of an inconvenience than anything else. Plus, you will indubitably return to the Austin area later on in your trip for the SXSW shows. Bear that in mind!
Or... you can do the whole thing in one fell swoop, month-long wait-around period included.And here's how that would go down:
-Rent an RVAgain, let's assume you live in Brooklyn. Odds are, if you're a fan of the Pizza Underground, you do. As such, getting to this Williamsburg venue won't be a hastle. But you will have to rent some transport for the following shows. You can go the old fashioned way, but considering the six full days of driving that you're about to embark upon, you might want to kick up the luxury just a bit: rent an RV.
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The closest Cruise America to Brooklyn would be in Roslyn, on Long Island, running you $89 a night for standard-sized RV, in addition to mileage costs of $0.34 a mile. For a 56-day trip that takes you a total of 7,606 miles, that will amount to $7,570. Then, of course, there's gas. Your RV is estimated to burn a gallon of fuel every eight miles. Gas prices vary substantially throughout our great nation, but we've factored the average per gallon cost for each of the locations you'll be visiting to be $3.22. Some quick math will lead you to a grand gas total of $3,061. Combine this with your $7,570 and you've got a grand transportation total of $10,631.
That's a pretty penny, but luckily you're not alone: the RV, complete with bedroom and kitchen, comfortably sleeps five. If you can rally a full team for this trip, it'll leave everyone only spending $2,126 on this leg of the journey. Of course, this is on top of tickets (which would bring it to $2,322) and food.
If you're going to isolate or eradicate Austin...If you are planning to eradicate the first Austin show from your itinerary, this changes things... for the better! First off, your stay in the residential vehicle will be substantially shorter, since you're cutting out an entire month in the process. (If we're being logical, you won't need the RV for the first three shows if you're not going to continue on straight from Jersey. Just take a car to Philly and New Brunswick.) A 20-day stay in the RV will run you $1,780, plus a mileage bill of $2,344 for the 6,897 miles you'll be driving. Tack on gas expenses of $2,776 and you've got $5,120.
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FoodNaturally, you're going to want to keep in step with the theme of your trip and only eat pizza. Since you're starting your trip in Brooklyn, we assume you'll want to stock up on your entire pizza banquet there, seeing as how the locations to which you plan on traveling will supply you with far inferior examples of what you know to be a delicacy. There are some problems with the plan:-One pizza pie, in Brooklyn, will run you an average of $15. Estimate that each person will consume one pie of pizza per day. That's 56 pies of pizza per person (realistically, you won't be able to fit all your pizza in the RV fridge, but we'll get back to that), amounting to $840 for your entire diet budget. But...-You'll need a second, third, and maybe fourth fridge. You can recycle the pizza boxes and wrap each pie in tin foil to make more space in the RV fridge, which should be stocked to the brim, but you still won't have nearly enough room for 56+ pizza pies. We know, the thought of succumbing to non-New York pizza is nightmarish, but we have a mission here.Still, you will want to limit your intake of pizza from the otherlands. We figure that, if you're ambitious, you can stuff 20 pizza pies into one of these RV fridges. That'll keep...i) one of you fed for 20 daysii) two of you fed for 10 daysiii) three of you fed for six days and the next morning's breakfastiv) four of you fed for five daysv) all five of you fed for four days
Which means, of course, that you'll eventually have to stop and get more pizza. But where will you be?i) By the 20th day, you'll be... Non-Austin: Back home. Perfect plan... for you. Your friends are starving, though.Austin: In limbo, killing time between Austin and San Francisco. Restock anywhere but New Mexico (their pizza is so bad, the locals are known to throw it on roofs!), and then again in 20 days, when you'll be somewhere in Southern California (where the price is also about $15 a pie). ii) By the 10th day, you'll be...Non-Austin: Dallas. Average price = $9. That'll last you 'til home.Austin: Limbo. Restock a few times before hitting California, then again in San Francisco ($15), Austin ($12), then you're home.iii) By the sixth day, you'll be...Non-Austin: Tijuana (your guess is as good as mine). After that, Austin ($12), then Raleigh ($10), then home.Austin: Limbo, limbo, limbo, limbo, limbo... San Fran ($15), Tucson ($10), Austin ($12), Washington D.C. ($15), home.iv) By the fifth day, you'll be...Non-Austin: San Diego ($15), Dallas ($12), Atlanta ($12), home.Austin: Limbo x 7. Then San Fran ($15), Tucson ($10), Austin ($12), Raleigh ($10), home.v) By the fourth day, you'll be...Non-Austin: West Hollywood ($15), Tucson ($10), Austin ($12), Mobile ($10), Brooklyn for one last show (just grab a buffalo chicken slices at Anna Maria's on Bedford), home.
-Drive your own car and stay in cheap hotelsOne last time, let's assume you live in Brooklyn. If you don't, you can come stay with me the first night. (Just don't be loud, Matt has to get up early.) After that, however, you'll need to find a place to stay in each of the cities you visit. But let's back up just a second.
Considering the fact that the hotel plan would be highly unfeasible in the Austin-included route, we'll just assume that you're starting with San Fransisco for this foray.
Right off the bat, you've got that pesky RV rental fee taken off your lap. There's a good chance, too, that you've got better gas mileage in your standard sedan than you would in those fuel guzzlers — let's estimate 30 miles to the gallon.
That's $740 so far, which you can split with whatever passengers you're able to accumulate. And here's where the hotel prices come in:
San Francisco: Redwood Inn - $89/nightWest Hollywood: Comfort Inn - $89/nightSan Diego: Best Western Plus Hacienda Hotel - $64/nightTijuana: Motel 6 San Ysidro - $42/nightTucson: University Inn - $53/nightEl Paso: Ibis Juarez Consulado - $35/nightDallas: Days Inn - $33/nightAustin: Rodeway Inn - $59/night x 3 (three night event)New Orleans: Sun Suites - $39/nightMobile: Family Inns of America - $30/nightAtlanta: Masters Inn - $29/nightRaleigh: Econo Lodge Inn &amp; Suites - $40/nightWashington D.C.: Knights Inn - $42
All together, that's $729. Add that to $740 (split between however many people with which you're traveling) and you've got your transporation total. But now we're back on food.
FoodWithout a fridge, you'll be needing to make daily pizza stops:
San Francisco: $15 a pieWest Hollywood: $15 a pieSan Diego: $15 a pieTijuana: ?Tucson: $10 a pieEl Paso: $12 a pieDallas: $12 a pieAustin: $12 a pieNew Orleans: $13 a pieMobile: $10 a pieAtlanta: $12 a pieRaleigh: $10 a pieWashington D.C.: $15 a pie
So we've covered almost all bases. The only option unaccounted for is the fly-to-San-Francisco-and-travel-on-land-from-there option. Since you're ending up in Brooklyn, you'll probably need to finagle one of those deals where you drive somebody's car across country for them. There are people who pay you to do that. Check Craigslist. Be careful, though.
SO THAT'S IT! Now you have all the information necessary to follow Macaulay Culkin's pizza-themed Velvet Underground tribute band across the continental United States. The dream.
Bon voyage!
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The CW
In a masterful stroke of marketing magic, The CW decided to air both of its shows starring a member of the Amell clan on Wednesdays. Arrow and The Tomorrow People have brought fans together to celebrate “Amell Wednesdays.” But let’s answer the question that’s on everyone’s mind: who’s better, Stephen Amell or Robbie Amell?
The CW Shows
If we’re pitting Arrow, a reboot of the DC Green Arrow superhero, against The Tomorrow People, a reboot of a 1970s British sci-fi show, it’s not hard to choose. Arrow, now in its second season, has grown into its own as the best superhero show on TV while The Tomorrow People still has some kinks to work out.
Stephen 1, Robbie 0
The Heroes
However, if we take a look at Oliver Queen and Stephen Jameson, who would you really want to be the hero of your city? They’ve both got the selfless thing down — they’re willing to do anything to save someone’s life, especially if that person is someone they love — but while Oliver is good with a bow, Stephen has actual superpowers: telekinesis, telepathy, teleportation, and he can stop time.
Stephen 1, Robbie 1
The Resume
Both Stephen and Robbie have plenty of roles under their belts. Stephen bounced around with small bit parts before landing bigger roles on Hung, Private Practice, and Heartland. Meanwhile, Stephen stuck to media geared toward a younger crowd: Life with Derek, True Jackson VP and Scooby Doo! Curse of the Lake Monster.
Stephen 2, Robbie 1
The Bring-Him-Home-to-Mom Factor
While both the Amells can be charming, imagine bringing them home. Every sister, female cousin, aunt, and teenaged niece would be vying for Stephen’s attention, while Robbie could woo the whole family with his boy-next-door thing.
Stephen 2, Robbie 2
The Abs
Now, this is a hard one (pun not intended.) Both Stephen and Robbie look fantastic shirtless — though Stephen is more often without a shirt than Robbie on their respective shows — but this one is going to have to go to Stephen. Have you seen those promo shots for Arrow? Even Felicity Smoak agrees with us; her favorite pastime is watching Oliver Queen work out.
Stephen 3, Robbie 2
Winner: Stephen Amell!
(Sorry Robbie, we still love you.)
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The CW
If there is one thing The CW is good at, it’s creating teen dramas that are chock full of attractive people. For now, let’s talk about Reign and all the handsome men at French court. Whether we’re drooling over Bash, ogling Prince Francis, or wishing we were Greer hanging out in the kitchens watching Leith cook, we’re secretly — or not-so-secretly — crushing on the men of Reign.
Alan Van Sprang
As far kings who can’t keep it in their pants go, Van Sprang plays a pretty attractive King Henry. He’s got a devilish sort of charm and if King Henry can woo both Kenna and Diane, he must be doing something right.
Rossif Sutherland
Though Nostradamus is often the bearer of bad news — like really horrible news — he does have a sort of quiet power that can be extremely attractive. Sutherland, once he’s out of the giant robes usually worn by Nostradamus, is also not hard on the eyes.
Jonathan Keltz
As Leith, the kitchen boy who’s stolen Greer’s heart, Keltz is charming, funny, down to earth, and he can cook. What more could a girl want in a guy? Though he hasn’t been in too many episodes of Reign, we would love to see more of him. (We’re sure Greer and Reign’s female fanbase would as well.)
Torrance Coombs
Have you seen his eyes? Are they green? Blue? Coombs has the swoon-worthy penetrating eyes thing down, but we hear he’s kind of nerd — not that it’s a bad thing! Caitlin Stasey (who plays Kenna) told The TV Addict, “He’s got those husky eyes and yet he’s the biggest dork you’ll ever meet in your entire life.” Awww.
Toby Regbo
Arguably Coombs and Regbo are equally attractive, but Regbo has the boy-next-door sort of charm to Coombs’s bad boy look. Regbo is the kind of guy you wouldn’t mind taking home to meet the folks, and from what we’ve seen on Reign, he looks like a half-decent kisser as well.
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UMe
Ah, the holidays. A time for family togetherness, the warm embrace of friends, and crippling awkwardness.
With nearly every artist who has access to a microphone and some jingle bells deciding to put out a Christmas album, the sheer glut of holiday music makes it inevitable that we'll have some clunkers. Or, if they're not complete clunkers, that they'll leave us scratching our heads over a lyric or two. Here are ten of our most favorite awkward holiday songs.
*N Sync — "Under My Tree"
"Bring along the mistletoeKeep the music nice and lowI'll show you how good it could be.I wish that Santa could be here to seeIt's beautiful under my tree"
No word yet on whether or not Santa likes to watch.
Michael Bublé — "Santa Baby"
Bublé must have run out of Christmas standards to cover, because his version of the slinky Eartha Kitt classic is just confusing. This song is about flirting with Santa. Take that away and it's just a grown man begging for presents. "Santa buddy?" No.
Dolly Parton — "Hard Candy Christmas"
Awkward mostly because it's just so depressing, The hookers' tale of woe from The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas is actually a pretty fantastic song. But we wouldn't recommend it for your party playlist.
Olivia Newton John and John Travolta — "I Think You Might Like It"
Danny and Sandy reunited to bring us a cheese-covered holiday duet album, and this one's the kicker. Olivia and John sing about "doing a little dance," "making love all night" and then watching It's a Wonderful Life and crying. And then someone's drunk mother makes an appearance? It's thoroughly unexplainable.
Lady Gaga featuring Space Cowboy — "Christmas Tree"
What is it with pop stars singing about getting it on under Christmas trees? Do people do this? Aren't there pine needles jabbing into you? Where do you put the presents?
Liza Minnelli and Alan Cumming — "Baby, It's Cold Outside"
Clearly, one of the more inspired versions of this predatory Christmas song. Halfway through, the parts flip and Liza is pursuing Alan. Still creepy, but at least it's equal opportunity creepy.
Weather Girls — "Dear Santa (Bring Me a Man This Christmas)"
We have no problem with the sentiment — get yours, girls — but really, it's just a slightly holiday-ed up version of "It's Raining Men."
Girls Aloud — "Not Tonight, Santa"
I have a headache. Why don't you go play your XBox?
Clarence Carter — "Back Door Santa"
...Next.
Justin Bieber featuring Mariah Carey — "All I Want for Christmas Is You (Superfestive!)"
Oh, but this time it's superfestive? This is the real life version of Billy Mack's "Christmas Is All Around." A cash grab in musical form.
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CBS
The episode opened with Sameen Shaw (Sarah Shahi) asking Harold Finch (Michael Emerson) where John Reese (Jim Caviezel) was. Finch said Reese would return when he was ready. Finch then ignored the Machine trying to give him numbers. It turned out Reese was at a bar in Colorado. Clearly still hurting from Joss Carter's (Taraji P. Henson) death, he walked away from saving someone who was being beat up and also he started drinking heavily.
Back in New York at the Library, Root (Amy Acker) was somehow communicating with the Machine too and told him that he was still needed and that he shouldn't ignore Her, meaning the Machine. He decided to help out and recruited Shaw to take over in Reese's absence. She was sent to play doctor at a local hospital, since the Number was a guy with a terminal tumor: Arthur Claypool (Saul Rubinek). Finch seemed stunned at first when he saw Claypool's face on his computer monitor. The tumor was affecting Claypool's memory and he was saying things that shouldn't be leaked, possible state secrets, and he had a Secret Service detail monitoring him.
There were a series of flashbacks throughout the episode, spanning a decade from 1969-79, with a young Finch and his increasingly-forgetful father who was suffering from what seemed like Alzheimer's. The phrase "If they want to keep me out, they need to build it better" was said often. It was interesting to see, though the flashbacks didn't illuminate much else about the character of Finch except to show how incredibly smart he was, which we all know anyways.
Claypool's wife, Diane (Camryn Manheim) came to the hospital. After an unsettling scene where he kept saying he didn't remember Diane, Shaw talked Diane in the coffee room. It turned out Claypool never talked to her about his work. She was broken up over how he had changed. After the conversation, Shaw found Claypool out of his room. It turned out he was in radiology. Finch chirped in and told her that he was in the NSA, which meant he was likely shouting secrets that many Bad People would love to get their hands on. Seeing a security detail outside the radiology room, Shaw got in there via a more unconventional way, through a ceiling tile. She found a syringe with sodium pentothal: Claypool wasn't be examined, he was being interrogated. She saw the would-be interrogtor -- a woman -- leave the control room and then of course, the Secret Service burst in. Side note: Shahi was doing really good job playing the "Reese" role with Finch during this whole thing.
Shaw was locked in a hospital office. A cell phone in a desk rang. It was Finch, who had driven to outside the hospital. He was reluctant to come inside, electing instead to try to figure out who was trying to interrogate Claypoool: it turned out to be a woman named named Elizabeth Ross. The agent began trying to question Shaw, who gave him a very hostile glare.
They cut to Reese at the bar. He walked past a table with a guy reading the paper. He yanked off the cap the guy was wearing: it was Lionel Fusco (Kevin Chapman). Reese kept him at arms length, but Fusco was not going anywhere.
Back at the hospital, the Secret Service agent interrogating Shaw got flushed and collapsed. His food was spiked. Shaw extricated herself and got to Clayman's room to try to get him and Diane to leave. There were people coming into the hospital: it was the Vigilance group I mentioned before. Things were going badly, Clayman was refusing to listen to Shaw, but then Finch came into the room. Clayman recognized him. Now mollified, Shaw and Finch got him out of his hospital bed, with Claypool reminiscing as they were walking along. Apparently the two went to M.I.T.. There was a brief shootout between Shaw and the Vigilance people, but Team Finch was able to get Claypool and Diane out.
At a hotel, Finch was asking Claypool about the things that Vigilance was asking about in the radiology room - about someone named Rudy and a program called 'Samaritan'. It turned out -- get ready to have your minds blown here -- Claypool had made ANOTHER Machine. It could remember and learn and was a real AI. I'll wait while you process that. Claypool said that Samaritan was destroyed in the wake of 9/11 and also because someone had already built a machine (Finch tried to keep a poker face at that but seemed to fail miserably).
At the bar, Reese chided Fusco for not drinking, only to have him retort that he was two years sober. It was because of Reese and then he got on him for his self-pity, saying that he wasn't the only one hurting. Reese said that that it was all pointless, which set Fusco off, since that pretty much intimated that the cop was pointless. Fusco decked Reese through the door outside and they fought, though Fusco lucked out, what with Reese having his reflexes dulled slightly by the drink. After a fight that was coordinated as well as a WWE match, police sirens broke it up. Carter would have probably smacked both of them for fighting.
At the hotel, Claypool was arguing with Diane again, and Finch tried to reassure his friend that it was his memory playing tricks on him again due to the tumor. That's when Claypool said something chilling: "No. I remember my wife. I buried her two years ago." "Diane", realizing that that the ruse was up, spoke into her watch and a bunch of agents burst in, subduing Shaw at gunpoint after a bit of a fight. Then even more of a shock: The assassin, Hersh (Boris MacGiver) entered. To make matters even worse, it turned out that "Diane" was really Ma'am from Control, Shaw's previous employer. She said that only one person between Claypool and Finch would leave alive. It cut to the Machine calculating survival percentages (Shaw had nearly an 85% chance of dying - yikes). Then ... from somewhere ... Samaritan seemed to be activated again.
The next episode is going to be on Jan. 7, which should be enough time for people to re-assemble their brains after all this. See you all in 2014.
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Showtime
This finale episode of the first season of Masters of Sex sure packed a punch. It used a couple of framing devices, one of which was the first man in space; another heavy-handed yet ultimately effective analogy for being a pioneer. The topic is brought up multiple times; the cutting-edge nature of the study is compared both to Darwin's theory of natural selection and Elvis' incendiary dance moves.
Let's check in with the Scullys; we haven't seen them since a bomb went off in their marriage a couple of weeks ago. After quite the confrontation (Allison Janney and Beau Bridges are both wonderful), Barton reveals that he soon will be starting electroshock. As much Margaret wants a husband who can love her in all ways, she cares for his well-being too much to let him go through with it. They seem to come to a sort of peace: sexuality aside, they both love each other; the two of them touch foreheads in a manner that is more romantic than all the sex scenes in the show put together. Trying to make a point, are we?
Back at the hospital, it's time for the big presentation and Bill has his audience in the palm of his hand. (Well, except for Dr. DePaul, who wanted credit for Virginia.) Masters just has to take it a step too far, though: he rolls footage, first of Jane's "vaginal walls" (now imagine it in a dramatic whisper; that's how she said it), then of nude Virginia, and he promptly loses the room. The chancellor ends the presentation on the spot.
It turns out the chancellor isn't the only one who is angry: Virginia strides out, barely managing to blink back tears, and all of twenty doctors cancel on the celebratory after party. Everything's a mess, and everyone wants to know who that mysterious woman in the explicit footage was. Even Libby wants to know: apparently, two doctors sitting next to her speculated that it was Virginia. When she repeats this information to Bill, he gets artfully cagey, making some roundabout argument that out of over a hundred volunteers, why would it make sense to film Virginia? Libby agrees, but she's far from appeased by his squirelly answer.
He returns to the hospital and finds that he and Scully are to be fired. In a bit of a coup de grace, he manages to save Scully's gig as provost by acting like he defied Scully's orders, but Masters himself is still very, very fired. He loses everything: all of his prestige, his standing in the community, and most importantly the ability to continue researching. Oh, and by the way, it also means he doesn't receive Libby's phone call, and she delivers their child without him, and looks blissful with her new baby in her arms.
Virginia, on the other hand, is quite quiet this episode. After Masters showed her incredibly private footage to a forum of dozens upon dozens of people, I was expecting a huge blow up; we don't get one. What we do get is Virginia's incredible sense of hurt at not being credited in his study. We see this most in something she mentions to her adorable bespectacled child: "Sometimes it takes helpers to do great things."
Oh, and let's not forget about Ethan. He's gone for most of the episode, but that doesn't stop him from popping the question. Using her characteristic charm, she jokes her way out of answering right away. He acquiesces, but not before declaring, "Whatever kind of life you want for yourself ... for your kids .. is yours." Is woman-punching Ethan still in there? Or can we chalk it up to character development? Either way, we never get her answer.
As the episode draws to a close, Jane hands Virginia a copy of the study and plot twist! Masters did credit her. She's at home reading it, when double plot twist: a bereft Masters shows up at her door. (In the rain. Just like in The Notebook!). After telling her that the study is over for good (well, we'll see), he tells her she earned her co-authorship, and that – oh boy – "There's one thing I can't live without. It's you." Fade to black.
Now, there's nothing to do but wait until it comes back nearly a year from now.
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Synopsis

A comedy series about a successful cartoonist whose imagination literally comes to life when his creations appear and interact with other people. This phenomenon causes all kinds of problems for his family -- a new wife, her sister and his two children from a previous marriage.