Monday, September 26, 2005

Playing "The Game"

In this week's New York Magazine, the outstanding sex columnists Em & Lo, discuss the evergreen subject of "players" in the Mating column. Thanks to Neil Strauss (the former NYT pop music writer who has also co-authored books with literary luminaries such as Marilyn Manson and Jenna Jameson) playas strolled back into the spotlight with the release of his book, The Game, a how to con women guide that this week was #10 on the NYT best seller list.

We won't waste time on The Game, per se, or bother hyperlinking to Neil because we don't want to and yes, we're just that petty--at least the Robin half of us is--but we do find Em & Lo's column really interesting. In it, the ladies essentially ask the question, "who's zooming who?," ie, aren't women by players by nature, too?

What they determine is that yes, we are. We really, really are. And I very much agree, but there is a distinction in the timing and rules of play that I think went undiscussed. Of course in a short piece there's no way they could have fit in all the nuances of the subject (clearly this is a story that could be book length...) but the final quote in their piece is from a woman who says, “[W]omen are the master manipulators. And we can get away with a lot more than men, because we’re not as obvious. Take a woman with a plan and a man with a plan and have them both follow through? The woman will always come out on top. Literally.”

My sense is that this isn't true. There's another woman who's quoted in the story who admits to being a player herself because she likes the thrill of the chase--this I buy--and this I might have even uttered myself. But, like the first girl quoted, do women always come out on top? I'm going to go with "no." Certainly not at the beginning of the game anyway because when you're "playing" there's no guarantee that you'll get to the end (if by end you mean relationship.) Sure, one person can always walk away and that's technically an end, but how does walking away put you on top?

I'm curious to hear what you, dear readers, think about this since its a subject I've already spent oodles of playing around with in my own head and years of my life batting around with others...

Very interesting, and I think that makes a lot of sense. I also understand the "need" for Neil's book (hell, if we girlies can have "The Rules" and "He's Just Not That Into You," why not "The Game" for the dudes?)

But if I can ask you a follow up, in terms of groping towards the relationship, are there rules of play if you will, for that stage in the game? I certainly don't know them if they exist, but I'll be interested to hear your thoughts.

I don't know of any Official Rules, but the Boy Scout's Law has served me well in everything, including relationships.

I think you're being much too hard on these wannabe "players". Are they any worse than the Alpha males who do this naturally? We've all watched that 6'2" banker named Chad effortlessly pick-up that Trixie at the bar. Women want to be with Chad; gangly, balding 5'8" Neil Strauss wants to be Chad.

So he and his gang of Trekkies developed a pseudo-scientific crutch to escape their crippling shyness and make first contact with women. I think you'd be surprised how hard it is for some men (like me!) to just say hello to strangers. Traditionally, men have used beer to calm their nerves. Whatever works, right?

Finally, women have free will and, therefore, can sleep with whomever they wish. If gold boots and tacky magic tricks do it for some, who are we to judge?

Always interesting to get insight from the other half--thanks Anonymous. But there's also a bigger latent question here, I think, and that's about the goal that men-players and women-players are playing for...and the question of wether men are really ever playing for relationships at all.

As to Anonymous's last point, I don't think I was being hard on the player (it certainly wasn't my intention to be); I'm very much a fan of the game, always have been. And I quite agree, whatever it takes to make a player better, be it a "shot" of courage or a guidebook, I say more power to you for seeking out some way to make you more comfortable since it's this player's opinion that the dating/mating dance is full of artifice of all sides. (I might have a problem with the author of this particular guidebook specifically, but that could be because I know him... but that's a story for a different day.)

But I also have to say that I'm not sure you're giving women enough credit, Anonymous. Not all of us are looking for Chad. In fact I can assure you many of us are not. A little bit of Chad charm or the "Chadfidence" he uses to approach women sure, that's appealing. But if all Chad can offer is his height and/or his wallet, he's going to have to spend a lot of that money on drinks for me.

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