Apparently the finals of the US Title tournament are now taking place next week instead of at the Rumble. I guess they finally figured out that doing two Royal Rumble matches and two world title matches makes it hard to have room for anything else.

NEW DAY PROMO- bad.
This was the usual stupid crap that WWE can’t help themselves but do whenever the US Title is involved, like Woods giving a campaign speech and asking us “vote” for him for champion. Throw in the usual New Day wackiness and this was just an obnoxious waste of time. They did have one swerve in here, which was Woods saying “each and every person in this arena” instead of “each and every one of you[/i].” Hopefully Vince doesn’t get too upset at him.
Anyway, apparently I’m supposed to root against Jinder because he doesn’t like the Home Alone movies. First of all, that’s total hearsay. Jinder has not gone on the record about those movies one way or the other. Secondly, f*ck the Home Alone movies. They’re Die Hard for wusses.

WWE UNITED STATES TITLE TOURNAMENT SEMIFINAL MATCH: Jinder Mahal (w/the Singh Brothers) vs. Xavier Woods (w/the New Day)- 6.25/10
Didn’t Jinder and the Singh Brothers break up? I’m dead sure I remember seeing him obliterate them. Anyway, Jinder dominates Woods. New Day threw some pancakes at the Singh Brothers so the crowd chanted “WE WANT PANCAKES!” rather than, say “LET’S GO XAVIER!” because they don’t actually care about the wrestling.
I’m glad that they gave this so much time in order to help it feel important but G-d damn did this match drag. Jinder won with the Khallas.

BARON CORBIN PROMO- meh.

They’re advertising an hour-long “Top 25 Moments in Raw History” countdown on USA right after Smackdown… which would put it head to head with both 205 Live and the premiere of the Mixed Match Challenge. Good timing there, WWE.

RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS AJ STYLES- AJ’s promo was very bad, though I’m willing to bet this was all sh*t that was written for him. He tried to give Owens and Zayn a portmanteau couple-name. He also seems to be taking the concept of “Kami” being “co-champions” completely seriously. This is something that needs to be struck down by management right now.

WOMEN’S ROYAL RUMBLE PROMOS- These two Royal Rumbles are totally equal… so we’re going to give all of the women combined the same amount of time to cut their Royal Rumble promos that we gave to male midcarder Baron Corbin. These promos weren’t bad or anything (Lana and Ruby were quite good), but they really bugged me for two reasons. First, there were WAY too many of them in a row (everyone on the roster but Charlotte), and secondly, none of these women could hold their damn phones straight! I know Corbin didn’t, either, but at least he was moving so I was expecting the camera to shake. And come to think of it, why are any of them (either Corbin or the ladies) doing this on their f*cking phones? They all did this at an arena, so why couldn’t WWE have just had a camera go around the shoot their promos?
In other news, Liv Morgan has a terrible new catchphrase, which is that she will “Liv Forever.”

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- bad
The Singh Brothers jump Roode, then Jinder cuts a promo saying he’ll beat him next week to become the US Champion. Then Roode grabbed a mic and offered to have the final tonight instead of next week, even though he just got jumped. What an idiot. Turns out that Jinder is an even bigger idiot because he responds by shouting “No! We’ll do it on my time!” even though not only is he fresher than Roode but Roode also just got beaten up by his henchmen. Why did you even send them out there to attack him if you weren’t hoping to capitalize off of some sort of advantage you would gain from it?
Then Daniel Bryan came out and announced that the tournament finals would be tonight even though not only is such a thing not fair to Roode (and even Jinder really shouldn’t be able to be forced to wrestle more than once a night if he doesn’t want to, as has been the standard), but it also takes the one week Bryan and Shane had to hype up the match and reduces it to one hour, so Bryan is an idiot, too.

RANDY ORTON PROMO- fine, except that he, too, couldn’t hold his damn phone still. And I can’t help but notice that he, too, got a lot more time than any of the women did. But these are totally two co-equal Royal Rumbles.

DASHA INTERVIEWS THE USOS- bad.
Dasha attempted to segue from the match we just saw to her interview by saying the following:
“The Riott Squad victorious here tonight, but in the first ever women’s Royal Rumble match it is every woman for herself, which brings me to my next guests. Please help me welcome the Smackdown Tag Team Champions The Usos.”
What the hell is the connection between any of those things? The Usos aren’t in the women’ Royal Rumble (or even the men’s Royal Rumble), and they’re in a freakin’ tag team match, which is the opposite of everyone for themselves. Now we know why all they usually let her say is a question ending in “what are your thoughts?”
The Usos did not even attempt to answer her question about whether or not they agreed with being forced to defend their titles in a 2 out of 3 Falls match. Then they got jumped from behind by Gable and Benjamin. I would feel a lot more sorry for them if they weren’t just insulting these guys for no reason.

WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH VIDEO PACKAGE- meh.

SHINSUKE NAKAMURA PROMO- He, too, can’t hold the phone straight, but at least he was moving his body around.

FASHION FILES CLIP- before the commercial break we saw Shane coming out to the ring, but when we returned they showed us the Fashion Files. Huh?
Anyway, Rusev & English said Breezango’s win over them last week was a fluke and they wanted a rematch. Breezango then booked Rusev & English vs. The Ascension for next week because apparently Breezango have booking power so long as the Fashion Files logo is on the screen, I guess. This is dumb.

WWE UNITED STATES TOURNAMENT FINALS: Bobby Roode vs. Jinder Mahal- 6.75/10
Shane and Bryan are both at ringside, which is frustrating for two reasons. First, because I was really hoping I’d get through this show without having to deal with Shane at all. Second, because it almost certainly means we’re going to be getting some sort of sh*tty finish.
Of Roode, Jinder, Bryan, and Shane, the only one to get his entrance shown was, of course, Shane. But the wrestlers are totally the stars of the show and not Shane.
Or not. Roode got the clean win in a moderately exciting match and Bryan and Shane’s presences were totally irrelevant… so why were they even out here in the first place?

I did not find this show to be particularly exciting or engaging in any way, but I enjoyed it a hell of a lot more than your average episode of Smackdown, and the reason for that is simple: this actually felt like a wrestling show and not a show build around authority figures yammering at each other in between painfully acted, blocked, and scripted backstage segments. If they could give me more of this but improve the quality, I would be much happier with Smackdown.