Palavras Fortes Não Ditas

Monday, March 30, 2015

It's honestly amazing at how unimportantinsignificant loved I am sometimes. That was a joke. A really bad one. Anyways... Does it ever cross your mind at how unliked you are sometimes? I know for me it crosses multiple times a day.

My interpretation of "last resort," is being the last possible option for people. In other words, once everyone that they originally wanted to hang out with has said "no," they ask you. It's a pretty messed up situation and can honestly hurt people more than make them feel included.

If I draw from my own personal experiences, I can say that I've been there oh so many times. Guess what? I'm STILL there. What??? You mean it does not get better??? Sadly, no it does not. So I'll start with the furthest recent and continue on to the present day.

For as long as I could remember, I was always that kid in school that people only talked to in class and never really outside of class. If people needed something from me academically, they would ask. Me being the dummy that I am, took it as an opportunity to socialize with people. Unfortunately, I was just being utilized for answers. These same people would go out of their way to exclude me from anything that had to do with social interaction. Yea, pretty sad right? Those were the middle school / high school days.

College was a new form of last resort. People were genuinely nice to you inside and outside of class. I was so ecstatic! I finally have friends, I thought. I thought wrong of course! See when you get to college, people have to be nicer and actually play a better game. This is what I like to call the semester acquaintance (or quarter, depending on what school you go to).

So this semester acquaintance is basically a person that makes an effort to make you feel like you are a cool person and they want to be friends with you. They exchange numbers with you, invite you to places and hang out with you all the time at school and sometimes even on the weekends. I know what y'all are thinking, this sounds fucking awesome right? Here's where the not so awesome part begins:

Once the semester is over, so is your friendship with this person. Whaaaa? You mean it Alex? DUH! So what happens? Did you do something to piss them off at the end of the semester? Were they faking this friendship with you? *GASP* Did I just get used again? Actually not really. You did nothing wrong. Here's what happened: The person did genuinely like you. Yes this is true. Yea they did spend a lot of time with you and even heard you out when you needed to vent. But the reality is....they no longer need you and so it is quick to just not hang out. The given reason: You no longer have class together and they have a new semester acquaintance. Sounds really depressing there Alex. It is but, it doesn't have to be.

Now moving on forward to the present day...I'm still this last resort person. So I will not use any real names or actual locations because I am still a part of this situation but I will spill my story. So for about 1.5 to 2 years now, I've been walking down a steady rode with 7. 7 is fantastic and awesome in their own 7 way. However, there is one big factor between 7 and I (4). And that would be 5. 5 is a very interesting number. Because 5 is 7's longest mathematical problem. Which is understandable right? Yea it is. However, it is getting to the point where 4 (Me) is getting tired of 5 and 7 always being like terms 24/7. 4 (Me) is really 4x. I have a coefficient that just x's me out of every situation with 5 and 7. Me and 5 don't really make such a nice pairing. We've tried but you can't add 4x and 5 to get 9x. No no no. However, 7 can sometimes be 7x. When that happens we become 11x. But about 95% of the time, we are just 4x.....SPACE... and 7. It is getting to the point where I don't see 4x being a part of the equation that much longer. If anything I see 4x becoming a 3x and that would be unfortunate.

The weirdest part about 7: 7 enjoys being alone. 4x gets that and is all about that lonely numerical value life. However, 7 lies to 4x and is really spending time with 5... A LOT. That makes 4x feel very confused and almost questions everything. 4x wants to be a lot closer to 7 and tried with 5 but, 5 is just very unwilling to even communicate with 4x unless 7 is around. 4x doesn't want those fake acquaintances/friendships anymore. But, 4x knows that 5 is really 7's favorite number. So 4x gives 7 and 5 all the time in the world to coexist together. But, 4x can't help but feel like they should not be there anymore. It almost feels like things would be better if 4x just moved on and just let 5 and 7 be. 4x is tired of always getting fake :) and ;) from both 5 and 7. 4x is not stupid and is tired of being treated differently. The saddest part is that 7 doesn't even realize all the sacrifices 4x has made for them. 5 has laughed at 4x and has even warned 4x about how 4x is just too radical and bizarre to ever fit in. 4x tries to look at the positive side but is afraid of the outcome.

4x and 7 work very different jobs and have completely opposite hours. 4x looks forward to the time off which happens only twice a year. However, 7 sees this as an opportunity to be left alone. This makes 4x feel very sad because, 4x knows this is the only time that he can give to 7. But, it seems like 7 doesn't want to even remotely be seen with 4x. So you must be wondering, why hasn't 4x left yet? There are a number of reasons (ha get it?). 1. 4x is in mathematical equilibrium with 7. 7 is kind of the best number that 4x has ever encountered. 2. 4x still has hope that one day 7 will want to be there for 4x. 7 does do a lot of little every day stuff for 4x which, 4x appreciates, but doesn't dedicate enough of actual time in activities with 4x.3. 4x has already began eliminating the option of getting to know other numbers. 4x knows that 7 is it and is the one that is going to be forever and ever. 4x fears that 7 may not reciprocate that back. This leads 4x to give attitude towards 7.

There's more reasons but I could go on and on and on. But basically, the problem isn't 5 at all. The problem is between 4x and 7. However, 5 does not help the situation and does affect 4x and 7 in one area: time. 4x has expressed this difficult computation to 5 (which 5 gets). But, 5 sees this as being rather funny and loves seeing 4x and 7 quarrel a lot. Makes 4x wonder if 5 doesn't deem 4x as worthy. Not that it matters to 4x but again, it just detracts from the situation.But alas, 4x has found comfort in other areas outside of Math. But one can also wonder why it is so damn difficult for people to just be themselves without controlling every situation. It seems like if they don't have control, they are lost.Don't let this be you. Be around people that want to be around you. Make those other people wish they had your life. If not, then find something that you love within yourself.- 4x

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

I DID IT!

Since my last update I was foolishly lingering over past crushes and thinking about just isolating myself from society all together. In a crazy turn of events, I actually got my act together and really focused on myself. I just graduated from CSUF with my Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. Pretty nice achievement right? I am officially done with schooling!!!! WRONG! I am actually continuing on with graduate school at CSULA. I got accepted into a Master's of Science program in Counseling (concentration in School Psychology).

This is how I feel about that: @*#&&$(EHDUOFBJD:DDDDD

I just am floored that not only CSULA wanted me but CSUN (Northridge) did too! For anyone that knows me and has known me, clearly understands my utter shock. I really just applied just hoping to at least get an interview. That alone was such an achievement for me because no one that I know has ever been accepted to a School Psychology Program (they are super competitive). With that, I already felt like a winner. When I got my acceptance letter from Northridge I literally fell to the floor and started crying. It was like someone just told me "Alex, your lifelong dream of becoming a school psychologist....is turning into reality." It was insane how someone as simple and casual as me could get into such a school. 3 weeks later I get an e-mail from CSULA in how they accepted me into their 2014 cohort. I was in class and was telling my colleague that I probably did not get accepted. But then I opened up the e-mail and literally lost my breath when I read that. I called my mom in tears again and she was so so proud.

So I chose CSULA because:

A.) They offer an MS in counseling, option School Psychology with PPS Credential

B.) They also give you a CWA credential (Child Welfare and Attendance)

C.) BCBA certification to be certified under the board for ABA.

D.) They have a good relationship with the PhD program for UCLA/CSULA in special education

DUH! I was not going to let that opportunity go! Sorry Northridge, but I really wanted to go to CSULA.

I also moved out of Whittier (thank the psychology gods! HA!). I now reside in the amazing city of Long Beach, California. I live with two awesome roommates and honestly could not be happier.

I also signed with CARD to be a behavioral therapist/interventionist. I get to work with autistic kids and make some good money (FINALLY!)

Honestly! Why hate on people that are different? It's like hating on someone because they are black, white, Latin, Asian or middle eastern. It's ignorant, stupid and just flat out cruel.

To all those kids that bully or have bullied others: do you realize how many kids in this country and worldwide take their lives each year because of the stupid sh*t you say? In other words, you are killing an innocent person with your vicious words.

Think about what it must be like to lose your brother, best friend, son, father, daughter, sister, nieces, nephews, etc... To lose them to some creep that will not mean anything once they leave high school.

Yup I said it. 90% of your friends will not keep in contact with you after high school. So really just cut this crap out.

Also: parents of kids that were born after 2001. Stop spoiling your kids. You're doing them a huge undoing. You are conditioning them to just get everything handed to them. That is NOT how the world works and YOU damn know that.

I'm sorry but I find it sad that parents set up their kids to fail. Like, aren't parents suppose to teach a child what it's really like so their child can survive and succeed in the real world? I don't get this. Not one bit.

Seriously some of the stuff I read online posted by kids between the ages of 10-16 is just flat out depressing, enraging and embarrassing.

Friday, November 23, 2012

My life just keeps getting better and better! I just got another amazing opportunity.

Unfortunately my time with after school programming comes to an end. Thank you Think Together for giving me an amazing experience. I have made more friends in 1 year at think together than I ever did at my 4 years in aspire.

I just landed a job as an ABA Therapist. I will be working with kids that have autism and other related disorders. I have been looking for something like this since I've graduated high school. I cannot thank god enough for this.

I am sure that this opportunity will open up so many more doors for me.

Friday, October 12, 2012

I haven't been on this in like 4 months or so. So, I decided update this blog with a post on a few things.

I'm finally at a middle school! I love working with middle school kids. It is honestly awesome and I am so excited to be apart of this amazing opportunity. I have a great team, an amazing class and everything that I need to be the best.

School gets more and more rigorous as time passes but, it's going well. I am extremely excited for my future.

For the fans of LeGore'sNTM, I am so sorry but Next Top Model will not be continuing on at LeGore or any of the aspire schools. Sorry :(

It was an amazing experience and I'm glad I did it but, I think it's just going to be a thing of the past.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

I guess my last post wasn't clear enough so, I will make this one even clearer.

1.) I was NOT fired or laid off from Aspire... I don't understand why I keep getting asked this question. I left Aspire for Think Together. I'm glad I did too.

2.) Kind of goes with 1... I am not in jail nor have I ever been to jail. Again, this is really weird and really bizarre.

3.) Whatever else people say as to why I left is completely false. No I never abused, touched, harmed or put anyone in immediate danger. I would never harm anyone else nor would I do anything to make someone feel uncomfortable.

Some things I want to put out there that went unmentioned.

A.) The reason why rec. was suspended last year for 2 months was because of mr. Mike. The principal does not like him and even told us all that it was due to his actions with students that caused us all to lose our recreation. But of course, I get blamed for it because no one would believe the truth but easily believe a lie.

B.) No one really cared for Aspire or the kids. The only people that actually cared for the students and wanted to be there are the following: Michelle, Jocelyn, Marcel, Me, Rebecca, Stephanie, and Steve. Everyone would complain about how awful the kids are and would even say things behind the students backs. Why does it make me mad? Because people would say stuff about poor kids and they would be nice to them in their face. I just thought that to be completely fake and wrong.

C.) People are very racist and rude at LeGore. I don't mean the students but the youth leaders. I seriously wanted to leave so badly from that place but they wouldn't let me go to any other school. Nestor, Marcel, Berenise and a few others left because people were just so mean. I remained neutral but once they all left, and it was just me and Jocelyn, they were really rude to us all of a sudden. Jocelyn left in tears and quit right before Christmas. I was hoping and praying that Think Together would hire me and when they did, I quit Aspire ASAP and started with Think Together.

D.) I would have gone to the promotion but I had car trouble that Wednesday morning. I am so sorry to those that thought I didn't care or anything because I do. All of you have a bright future and I wish nothing for the best for all my past students (even if they hate me or dislike me I don't care).

So right now I'm finishing up my degree in psychology at CSUF, working at Think Together and I am starting to volunteer at my uncle's church to feed the homeless and to provide them with shelter. I don't claim to be perfect and I don't claim to be a hero. I'm just an ordinary person doing what I can to make the most out of my life. Judge me, Like me, Hate me...I don't care! I'm me and I'm proud of who I am and so is my family and that's all I need.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

I guess 2012 has really been testing me on several levels. Last week has been by far the hardest week I've had to endure. My aunt passed away on May 20th 2012 at the age of 43. She was diagnosed with major depression and was on 6 different medications. That very Sunday, she lost the battle and slipped away.

Words cannot express how difficult it was for my whole family. We love and care for very deeply for her. And now she's gone. It just makes life that much more valuable. One day we are here perfectly fine and the next, we are not.

In this last year, I grew super close with my aunt. She's one of the few people who's actually told me to follow my dreams. She would always be so proud of me and would say how much of an honor it was to have me as a nephew.

I wish there's was something I could have done to prevent this from happening. I gave it everything I had. So in a way I feel content with myself.

I miss you so much Aunt Carmen.
If there is a heaven, I have no doubt you are there.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Last Saturday night, I went to go see The Diary of Anne Frank. It was a university production at my school CSUF. I went with my friend Jessica on a last minute notice. We got the best seats possible considering we made our purchases a quarter before the play started. I was thrilled to see this since I have read the book and watched the film on Netflix.

Plot

So the play takes place entirely in the attic where the Frank and Van Dan's go into hiding. I really enjoyed their interpretation of the secret annex. The story begins when the family arrives at the annex and begin their 2 years of stay. The young lady that played Anne, did an amazing job as her. Her portrayal of the character was a bit much on the joyful side but, nonetheless it was credible. Actually, all of the characters lived up to their parts pretty immaculately. What I liked about this play was that it had more comedic reliefs and had interesting scenes that had a more flavor. For Example, Mrs. Van Dan's character was much more exuberant than her counterparts on the Netflix film and the novel (or recollection of journals I should say). I wasn't too keen on the Van Dan son's character. He played the part well but he seemed much more crucial in the film than in the play itself. Mrs. Frank, Margo and Mr. Dusel really had different roles in this adaption. They were more exaggerated. What was definitely more present was the romance that Anne develops with Peter. I actually quite liked it. Jessica and I noticed it was more juvenile but at the same time, it felt completely honest. The parts that really stood out to me was when they would listen to the radio. In that time, radio is what cable television/ps3/Hi-Def is to us. So, it was very intriguing and quite mesmerizing to witness such a scene. Also, whenever Miep Gies would come in, the mood would just change. Whether they were somber and melancholy or angry and frustrated, Miep seemed to bring their spirits up each time she came. Another thing that Jessica pointed out to me was how she thought it was neat that they actually ate during the play. I thought that was very well executed as well. The cake, the strawberries and the soups. In the final scene where they are betrayed was very interesting. In the netflix film, Anne is writing in her diary (in her room). In the play, her, Margot and Peter are laughing in the attic eating the strawberries. When the Nazis came in for the family, you can just feel the tension. Oh my god, I was scared in my seat. They really got the intimidating presence down. I think I even felt the people around me quiver. It was truly sad to see them be taken away by them. Especially in the last scene, when Otto Frank goes back to the Annex after surviving Auschwitz. He begins to say how Margot, Mrs. Frank, the others and Anne died in the camps. The audience grew silent and listened to his final words. I heard a girl sitting in front of me begin to cry with a whimper. I turned and Jessica was balling her eyes out. As the scene closes, we all stood and gave them a standing ovation. I began to feel sad as well.

Opportunity Missed for Some

Oh how I wished I could have brought the kids from LeGore Elementary to see this. It was beyond what I expected it to be. I truly believe this would have had a great effect on them. But oh well.

What I took away from the play

What I take away is a bit more of knowledge. I think The Diary of Anne Frank really gives us people living in the current 21st century, a panoramic picture of what World War II was. Despite it being in the 1940's, I think it's pretty fresh in our history. I can't imagine what the actual feeling was like for the Frank and the others hiding. It's pretty interesting knowing that Miep, one of the helpers, just died in 2010. 2010! How insane is that? she gave historians and people living in the present such a clear picture of what it was back then.

Message To All

I believe this happened to open up our eyes on how people are discriminated against on a day-to-day basis. It's 2012 and people still get discriminated against. No doubt society has made great strides but, there is still more to go. Jewish people, gypsies, homosexuals, disabled people, people of poverty, etc... all wither such hate and such harsh conditions. It needs to stop. It really breaks my soul to hear stories of people who are treated as second or third class citizens who have no bad intention. All they want is what we all want: acceptance. It's one word but it demands a lot from us. It demands people to be open-minded. It requires courage, strength, wisdom, selflessness and love. How many more religious wars must the world see? How many people have to starve to get this message across? How many more gay/lesbian teens have to kill themselves to raise awareness? How much more pain must humanity go through until the iron curtain is finally unveiled? I think over 3000 years is enough time to grow. It's enough time to be civilized, educated and responsible. The world belongs to all of us. Let's protect it and make it a safe place for all. We are all born here for a purpose. We are here because it was destined to be so. We will die to give a new generation a chance to live out their lives and carry our morals behind. History is the greatest subject of all time. Why? Because it where were preserve our fondest memories and where we can be guided to a brighter tomorrow.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

So I just got on board with Think Together this week. Omg it is amazing! The program is so well organized and there's plenty of things to do here. I love it! I have a 5th/6th combo class and they are really great! I'm not going to lie, there are some kids back at aspire that I miss. But that's it.

I find it scary how I know a student or two every school that I go to. I saw an old LeGore student at this new school. His name is Kevin L. It was pretty crazy because it was like when I arrived at LeGore and saw Eduardo from Shirpser.

The biggest surprise to me was that I got picked to be here because the kids love me...WHAT?!!? I'm shocked. I didn't think kids liked me at all. So it was nice hearing that.

I'm so excited to begin my journey with Think Together and move on forward. I bet it will be an exciting one. :)