LOCOG confirms crackdown on Olympic Brand-Breakers

The London Organising Committee for the Olympic Games (LOCOG) says harsh penalties have been agreed with the Government and the IOC, for anyone in the UK caught watching the Olympics while in possession of non-official merchandising.

The London Olympics already has every square inch of the viewing experience sponsored out of it, and LOCOG say in order to try and recoup some of the £12bn that's been spent staging the festival of running, jumping, riding bikes quickly, swimming and failing drug tests, it must 'sell as much of the sponsors' shit as possible'.

"We're already ripping the living shit from the wallets of the people who have been stupid enough to actually buy tickets for the various Olympic venues and this is the next logical extension. I't all very well for visitors from around the world to come here and open up their wallets in London, but some of them will have to go to places like Dorset and Coventry, so our exploitation in those places will necessarily be at a lower level.

"However, it's the lazy bastards at home who will just watch it on the TV that we're really looking to milk. Everyone who doesn't have a Panasonic TV will find that their transmission will be interrupted every time someone's about to cross the finishing line, either through their own leg power of by sitting on a bike. Every game in the women's Volleyball will be blanked out.

"If they manage to hack a patch that allows them to see those moments on a non-Panasonic TV, we've been given the power to go round their house, break their telly and then force them to pay for a brand new 42" Panasonic. It's brilliant."

The penalties even extend to those who have a sponsor's TV, but choose to eat non-sponsored snacks during the events. Those guilty of eating burgers that aren't McDonalds will be force-fed fillets'o'fish and anyone bathing in non-P&G produced personal hygiene products will be corralled in Felixstowe in the 'Great Unwashed Olympic Smello-Park'.

"These will be the best games ever," Dan Mathers maintains. "At least, they will be once we've rinsed the British public for every penny they have."