An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Posts tagged ‘exercise’

So the good news is that I’m still eating normally, I eat 3 meals a day and they’re healthy – no pot noodle shindig on my plate no suree 🙂

The bad news is I’m constantly stressed I’m missing out and depressed because I think I am. Everyone is recovering from last night (I wasn’t part of it because my partner drank too much at the pre-drinks and threw up everywhere so I stayed back to nurse him :p) and my Facebook is full of people saying how bad their hangovers are, and I’m scared I’m missing out. That somewhere there is a group of people having fun or such and I’m not there.

It’s most likely because of how insecure I am at the moment. I’m finding it really hard to talk and make friends, so I’m worried I’m missing out on valuable friendship building time…even though I’m only 5 days in…most people aren’t here yet…and freshers fortnight starts next week…

So in conclusion I’m probably just being silly

I also haven’t been doing my exercises…although I have done a lot of walking…not that that helps my arms but oh well. Although on the other hand a friend I met called Katie invited me to go to yoga/Pilates with her and try cheer leading, not so sure about the cheer leading but we’ll see how it goes 🙂

So I haven’t been able to start my exercise regime properly as I have been ill -_- I have a stomach ache, head ache and I feel tired all the time, and just generally sick. So doing press ups and skipping wouldn’t help. Although the few times I have been able to do it is starting to make an improvement, as I’m starting to get a wee bit of muscle in my arms 😀 my skipping isn’t so good but that can be worked on. I’m not sure if my illness is caused by my anti-depressants as I’ve had the dosage upped to 20mg from 10mg and since then I’ve been ill…so it might be them. I’ll have to check the side effects, but on the other hand it is that time of month and I tend to get ill then anyway…so we’ll see how it goes.

Like this:

So apart from all the Glamour Magazine Body Love I also have three other things I’m doing to help myself:

I have to complement myself on one physical aspect of mine everyday

I have to praise myself when I do things good/right and tell my partner 10 things I praised myself for

Be more committed to exercise

So complementing myself. Rather than looking in the mirror and saying how my acne is coming back…by hairs not how I want it to be etc I have to say things like “My eyes are pretty”, “My bum/boobs/stomach/legs look good today” which will help me to love myself and stop just seeing the bad in me.

I only ever punish myself, and when I get praise I don’t know how to take it so I have to praise my self when I do something well (“I got a good mark in that essay – well done”) and list 10 things I praised myself for at the end of the day to my partner.

I have been rather crap keeping up with my exercise regime so I now have to do it at least 4 days a week (the regime is here: Exercising) because there’s no point in me sitting around, complaining about my stomach if I’m not doing anything to help it…so I have to exercise more frequently.

I said to my partner the other day “I wish I saw me how you do”, he replied; “You will, and when you do, I’ll be happy – not that I’m not happy anyway but I’ll know I’ve helped and you love you like I do”

I realized my biggest cause of my self esteem is because I’m still subconsciously idolizing mannequins which aren’t shaped like real people, they’re based on real people…but should come with a health warning to let you know you’re not supposed to look like this…as I’ve spent years thinking my hips, thighs and stomach were too big, my boobs were too small, my hair wasn’t glossy enough, my posture wasn’t right and my legs weren’t long enough.

Warning: I'm faker than Katie Price

So with encouragement from my partner we devised a plan:

New idols

I have to complement myself on one physical aspect of mine a day

I have to praise myself when I do things good/right and tell my partner 10 things I praised myself for

To be more committed to exercise…

So I went in search of a body to idolize…I don’t really like celeb culture and they all screw up at some point so that’s a no no…modelling is a minefield…so I Googled “Good bodies” and after some searching I found this:

Ooh look…real women…real bodies…real proportions…so far so good. This then led me a section of Glamour Magazine’s website where they are celebrating real women’s bodies and super models who aren’t super thin. The first thing I found was a section from the magazine’s editor: On the C.L.: Are You Ready to Start a Body Image Revolution? Oh, Wait–You Already Did! saying how after the amazing responses they got back from Lizzie Miller being included in one issue of Glamour Magazine they will try and put a bigger variation of body sizes in the magazine…so more normal women. The article about the picture was called Supermodels Who Aren’t Superthin: Meet the Women Who Proudly Bared it All I took the images and women’s stories from here to make my own Inspiration Posters which I’m gonna stick by my mirror, so whenever I look in the mirror and feel dissatisfied I can look at them and feel better:

Feel Free to use if you want 🙂 I then read These Bodies are Beautiful at Every Size which is about how the people’s desire for magazines is changing, people don’t want waif thin models, they want real beauties, British Vogue editor Alexander Shulman personally wrote to big fashion brands asking them to provide bigger sample clothes at fashion shoots, rather than clothes for size 0-4, give them bigger sizes so they can use bigger models and models don’t have to try and fit the clothes rather than vice-versa, it also outlines Glamour Magazine’s new revised proposal which includes frequently larger models. The image that started this all off was this:

The majority of replies that flooded the magazine were supporting her, saying how beautiful and inspirational she was…but some people said she was promoting obesity…SHE’S A SIZE 12!!!! HOW IS SHE IN ANYWAY OBESE?? OBESE!!!!!