Many people ask me how I balance my work, family, personal time, social life, etc. I say, WHAT BALANCE? Actually, F balance. There’s no such thing as balance. You just do it until you cannot, then go batshit crazy for a while, and then come back again stronger. That’s how you do it.

Anyway, all my batshit has been relieved. I am back now. Better and stronger.

There are also many people I want to thank for picking me up when I fell face-flat on that bird diarrhoea, thank you, you , you and you (I’m just gonna make it very vague in case I forget someone from the credit roll and they think I’m ungrateful hahaha. You know how it’s like).

For some reason, for many months now, Junya has been talking like he has a marble in his mouth, especially when he’s shy to articulate something, or trying to manja me. I don’t know how to put it in words, but if you put your tongue in the middle touching the roof of your mouth all the time and try speaking, that’s how Junya’s speech all sounds like. -_-

Brother’s Role

I think he loves the role of being an elder brother. It gives him the privilege to show off that he is better, more mature and more reliable than his younger sister. And I think he needed this confidence boost since s0 much attention has been taken away from him for the past 2 years now.

He loves to help put on socks for his little sister, pull on her diaper for her, fetch her things that she can’t reach with her height, while feeling superior about it haha. But I notice that it is also not just all about ego-boosting and seeking praises. The best thing I’ve noticed is that he’s playing at Sakura’s pace. Their age gap is merely 2, but I know for sure that a 4-year-old child and a just-turned-2 toddler play very differently. Yet he adjusts to her level without bossing her around, many times I see how patient he is waiting for her sister to complete a task with her less advanced motor skills.

And that’s when I felt that he has truly accepted his role as a big brother. I’m so jealous. I want one for myself too.

Chores

I can entrust him to perform and follow through a chore completely and correctly now most of the time. And he’s eager to help too (for nowwww), that’s the best part.

Taking out trash into the dump chute, putting his food tray back to the sink each time after a meal, filling the bathtub with water of perfect temperature, walking Champon reliably when we are back to KL (with me following behind)… etc. Less intentional or unintentional mistakes are made. Although every time he tries to open a packet of snack (peanuts on the airplane, arghhhhH!), the content still shoots and flies all over the place like a yummy, edible fireworks lolol.

(Walk the doge.)

(Pick up dog poop.)

(Sister passes wet laundry for niinii to be put into dryer)

But honestly I’m really impressed. If this continues to happen, soon I can retire as a housewife and start enjoying my second life hahaha.

Angel VS Devil

Just a while ago, I guiltily confessed how I had secretly favored one kid more. And it was my younger child. Whatever she did seemed angelic. And whatever the older child did, was a nuisance. But I tried not beating myself up about it, because I knew that it was going to be a phase.

And it was.

Last month, the roles have been reversed.

It was also super timely because Sakura has just turned 2 (Terrible Two, anyone?), and Junya has finally entered the Fabulous Four. I have heard many senpai mommy telling me that 4 is the bestest age ever, before they transform back into little devils again as they start to discover the convenience of lying, manipulation, sarcasm, and all sorts of bad stuff dreadful to even adults… and it’s a whole new stressful years to come. Ok I don’t want to know about it for now, just gimme some peace while I swoon over my angelic 4-year-old. For now.

Anyway. Junya is almost angelic. As soon as he turned 4. It’s like these kids come with a updatable software like your iOs. Sometimes an upgrade F things up all over, and sometimes you get kickass features that make your life all rainbow cupcake unicorns.

I think I just got myself a real stunning upgrade. Suddenly he is willingly helping out with house chores, taking care of his sister especially when I am away (according to the danna), holding his sister’s hand, and even trying to solve her tantrums while neither me and the danna could. Omg he’s not even an angel he’s like our savior now lol.

One night I was so exhausted trying to get Sakura to go to bed, and Junya dished out two full boxes of Tangram puzzles, laying all the cards alllll overrrrr the floooooor like he’s making a carpet made of paper omg. I was a little mad because it was way past his bed time and he was actually very, very sleepy. To think that I have to clean up this mess after coaxing both to bed feeling like zombie was irritating the hell out of me. But my priority was to put a toddler in tantrum to bed.

15 minutes later, Sakura finally fell asleep. And I found Junya dozed off in bed too. I was ready to clean up the floor. But I found nothing. Not even the boxes. I went into the toy room, and stacked on the floor were two perfectly neat, organized Tangram puzzle boxes. (And I know it takes a long time to fit those puzzle blocks back into the box!)

Well well well. The dreadful moment when your blows two candles off your child’s birthday cake.

But honestly, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would have been. (yet.)

With Junya it was really obvious. And sudden. One of the biggest reasons was the arrival of a new baby in the house, of course. He turned exactly two on his sister’s full moon and he was all devastated, shocked, confused, perhaps even feeling unloved.

With Sakura, nothing has ever changed. Except maybe her brother growning kinder and more understanding towards her. Her tantrum is really minimal and mild, I am not sure if it is a girl thing or a second child thing? She sulks mostly, but I haven’t experienced a hysterical episode in public. (yet.)

Most of her frustration comes from us not understanding what she’s trying to express. (“cheechu.” “what? cheechu? see through? see shoe? oh. Tissue. Ok ok.”) Other than that she is mostly ok, and still easily distractible with a little mommy skill.

Parroting

Omg. Her brother is like her rival BUT also her super idol. Everything she says is 100% copy niinii wan. It’s worse when she copies us. It irritates the hell out of Junya lol. Example:

This one is driving me crazy. She always thinks that there’s hair in her mouth!!!!! And it’s all her own imagination ok. She’d look all disgusted and be like “mama mama mama mama!! hair! hair! hair!” and frantically trying to dig an imaginary hair out of her tongue.

Once I sprinkled some katsuobushi (bonito flakes) on her onigiri and she spat the whole thing out complaining, hair, hair hair! Dude. It is katsuofreakingbushi, ok. Get over it.

And then another time she did the same with chicken fiber. You know the stringy bits stuck between your teeth after chewing on chicken breast? No more Karaage for you, ok.

Other than hair in mouth, she is also super particular about dropped hair to the point I suspect she is abit OCD. “Mama, hair!”, says this 2-year-old girl, gesturing to one single hair strand laying on the floor of Meijiya supermarket, restaurants… public bathrooms…

Err, thanks for pointing that out. But i’m not a charity cleaner, ok?

Eat Hard no Eat Soft

Haha literally 吃硬不吃软 in Chinese.

Junya is the 100% soft approach kind of boy. He will never ever bend at any amount of scolding, threatening, even punishment. Only soft-talking or a heart-wrenching amount of emotional tug of war works.

But there’s no use being soft to this girl. You need to give her some 颜色 to see lol and she’ll back down immediately. This makes things a lot easier. “You don’t stop crying and I’m gonna get very very upset.” in a stern, borderline scary voice will shut her up instantly lol. But I’m also trying not to abuse this power la. It’s given to me too conveniently so actually I’m also very afraid that I’ll run out of stock very soon haha.

She’s also much more realistic, in the sense that when you try to talk some logic with her. Damn, I’m also abusing this one. “You don’t wanna brush? You want baikin (bacteria) to stay on your teeth??” in a firm, borderline creepy tone will make her go all pale.

“Dowan. I dowan.” and then she will guai guai open her mouth and brush her teeth.

Last time with Junya, none of these scary tales works. At all. You know what he’d say?

“I want!! I want baikin to come! I want mushiba (tooth decay).” with a big smile full of oreo crumbs.

Weaning – Final episode (I hope.)

I have finally (really finally this time.) (I hope.) weaned her off. For two weeks now.

When I announced this on IG story soooooo many struggling mommies asked me for tips.

Unfortunately I really think each child is so different when it comes to this touchy topic of oppai, I know many mommies tried my weaning method with Junya and totally didn’t work for them. (Sorry!)

What happened was this:

10-second oppai

For a couple of months before she turned two, I tried my best to reduce oppai time to the very minimum. She asked to latch when we reached home from her school. I think she really just missed me a lot after a whole day away from mama. Then night time she woke up maaaaannnnnnny times mumbling “oppai, ah wan oppai…”. So I have decided that something needed to be done. Firstly, she’s really not hungry at all. She just thought I’m her pacifier. She just needed to know that I was there. So I’ll start with reducing latching time.

I told her, “count of 10, ok?”

“um.” she agreed.

And then I started counting, “one… two… three…” until ten. Then she unlatched and turned around to sleep again. That was a huge success to me.

Absence

And then I was away from her for 4 days. Knowing that papa has no oppai, she happily just settled for hugs.

With Junya I successfully weaned him this way, by simply just being away from him for 3 days. When I came back, he has completely forgotten about boobs.

But I was wrong this time. The moment I returned from my midnight flight and crept into bed at 6am, she smelled me, half-awake and moaned, “mama, oppai… oppai.” like a drug addict. I gave in to her omg.

But that’s how I made mistaken OVER and OVER AGAIN. That’s the reason why she is still on oppai at 25 months!

So I decided that this is it for real. I really want to start sipping that fancy champagne again and be able to pop a flu pill or two when I’m half dead from virus, you know???

And I have decided that at this age, she is old enough to vaguely understand why she has to graduate from oppai. So I did not resort to all the popularly weird methods from senpai mama such as drawing scary face with marker on your boobs, or spreading chili paste or wasabi on nipple what the. Haha.

I simply told her, “Sakura, tonight there will not be anymore oppai. Because you are a big girl now. You can have milk. You can have hugs and kisses. But no more oppai. Ok?” She said ok. (say only la. confirm cheat one lol).

Just hugs

That night, she cried and cried and cried. I had the danna to help me to comfort her because I know the moment I’m near her she will frantically tear my shirt off lol. But she rejected the danna completely and just sat there alone, crying for 30 minutes, until I really cannot tahan and I asked her in an intimidating, borderline hair-raising tone, “Sakura, you want oppai?” She said yes. “No more oppai. If you stop crying, I hug you.”

Immediately she said yes. And stopped crying.

I hugged her. She didn’t tear off my shirt. She just held me and fell asleep.

That was it.

The second night she woke up crying. I told her “Just hugs, ok?” She said yes.

And the third night. And fourth. She still wakes. But I only need to hold her.

Two weeks later. Nowadays I like to tease her sometimes, “you want oppai?” with an evil face lol. She will say, “No. No more oppai, ne?” staring at me doe-eyed.

Omg… T___T.

I have two angels now.

My life is perfect for now.

Except I’m also quite sentimental about it (I even took photos of her last nursing session omg has any one of you mommy done that before lol) but ok nvm think about all the booze I can have now!! 😀

I took a short break off the internet and my usual routine last week alone in Japan. Just meeting people I like, eating nice food I deserved, drinking a little (hopefully to wean for real this time), and seeking courage, truth, liberation, and love.

And I think I found them all. Pieces by pieces.

The magic of Japan. I finally allowed myself to be healed and freed. And there was no other place on this earth I could have done this at. Thank you.

But this post is about something else! This was our last minute family trip back to Japan on 1st June, 2018. Many people ask why I never traveled elsewhere other than Japan. I often ask myself that too. It’s a big big world, and there are many places I want to see. But even when I have that extra time and money, I always end up coming back here. I didn’t understand why, but now I think the reason why I keep being enthralled to return over and over and over again, is because I felt that it has the power to heal. The air, the water, the shrines, all the delicious food, the people…

I can pick myself up again. I can love and be loved again, I can go back a better, stronger person.

1-6 June 2018

Flight

It was Sakura’s first trip to Japan on her very own seat! Her weight is totally still qualified for a bassinet seat but apparently they won’t allow children older than 2 to be in one.

The flight was 1:50am and I let them both watch movies until they dozed off.

Tokyo Tower

No matter what this is still one of my favorite views in the world.

Trying to get everyone in the shot with Tokyo Tower.

Saku❤︎

Late night dinner

To our usual hangout.❤︎

Sushi Abe

Karatsuki Uni (sea urchin in shell)

It almost feels like I’m committing a sin.

Komochikonbu (子持ち昆布) – Herring roe on kelp. This dish is amazing, because at first I thought the herring roe was marinated (?) together with kombu, something like how Kombumaki is made, but apparently it is not!! The roes are attached to the kombu from the very beginning, as the herrings actually spawn on the kelp leaves!!!

Aburi mentaiko with nori.

Camembert cheese in saikyo miso.

Deep-fried whitebait.

Chef’s Omakase selection.

Which one would you eat first? 🙂

Chef’s Special Chirashi Kaisen Don

仲良し❤︎

Shrine

Went to this shrine with Miyabi – Hachiman Jinja in Nakameguro. Really peaceful and calming.

Yoyogi Park

First date with Moe, a girl I got to know from our favorite horumonyaki shop when she used to work part time there. Japanese girl average prettiness level is too yabai. Lol. (And I have been speaking so much Japanese that I feel that I don’t know what is correct English anymore omg.)

We left Hakodate and bound for Aomori again, because it was the first day of Nebuta Matsuri Festival!! More on that later. ^^

To board Junya’s favorite shinkanse, Hayabusa. <3

Hakodate to Aomori – 1 hour 1 minute. To Tokyo – 4 hours 2 minutes.

And then we spotted the most luxurious sightseeing train suite in Japan – Shiki Shima, bound from Tokyo to the Tohoku region. You have to put this in your bucket list… only if you are even lucky enough to win the periodical lottery to reserve a spot.

The entire train carries only a maximum of 34 passengers, so imagine the level of luxury you will be enjoying. Panoramic view from the lounge, Michelin standard menu, deluxe suite rooms that comes with wooden baths…

Nebuta Matsuri

Aomori is probably best known for its juicily sweet apples, and Nebuta Matsuri.

Deco at Shin Aomori Station.

The festival is held in August annually in Aomori city, and is one of the biggest matsuri events in Japan. We are really so incredibly lucky to arrive in Aomori just on time to join the first day of the celebration.

During the matsuri, numerous gigantic lantern floats shaped after famous historical and mythological Japanese characters will parade through the main streets in the city, completed with haneto dancers, and performers who play flutes and taiko drums. The best thing is, as long as you put on a Haneto costume (which could be rented), anyone is allowed to join the parade, regardless of age and origin!

We were there early, there are already officers and staff regulating traffic and putting down blue sheets.

The blue sheets are for spectators to sit on and enjoy the parade. And it was arranged for the public, how thoguhtful T__T. Many people brought along their foldable stools, street food, snacks and drinks waiting for the parade to begin. Everything was absolutely in order.

We got a good spot too!

Junya snacking

And Sakura was about to doze off haha.

Haneto dancers and their very elaborated costumes

Here comes the first float!!

The floats were amazingly lid up in vivid colors, complete with the catchy chant “rassera, rassera rasse rasse rassera…” I was utterly charmed. It was the first day of the event (2nd August), so the floats paraded are actually not the grandest of all. It is said that for the first two days of the festival, from August 2nd to 3rd, only the smaller nebuta, often pulled by children, are paraded throughout the city. But it was mesmerizing enough for all of us.

Junya recording a video.

You can spot the sponsor’s names on the floats.

Sometimes you also see branded floats like…

Japan airlines!

Calbee Jagariko haha.

Here’s a video you could watch to get a feel of what this festival is like!

I super recommend as it was the most mesmerizing matsuri I’ve ever seen so far!

Please watch how the floats are made, it is so unbelievable that such gigantic lanterns are all made by hand of thin wires, fragile washi papers and hand-painted!!! I just re-watched this and feel very touched haha.

Also, the chant will probably be stuck in your head for the next few days! XD.

Stay

Our ryokan for the day was located in Aomushi Onsen (浅虫温泉), the ryokan’s name was Nanbuya Kaisenkaku. 🙂

Spectacular sea view from the room <3

Outside the ryokan public onsen there are art pieces made of seashells painted by the local children. I really enjoyed looking at every single piece of them. Some are drawn by elementary school children and they are so creative!

Souvenirs

Souvenirs to bring back from Aomori – apple juice.

Nebutazuke, a pickle to go with your rice.

I also bought uni onigiri and made Ochazuke!

Morioka

That was the end of our trip and next we had to return to Tokyo via shinkansen. We alighted at Morioka (Iwate prefecture) to have lunch. (You can read more about my trip to Iwate in 2016!)

Jaja-men is an Iwate specialty, one of the 3 Greatest Noodles, along with the other 2- Morioka Reimen and Wanko Soba.

It’s very affordable!

It’s a really simple dish – udon-like noodles served with grated ginger, diced cucumber, and a miso meat paste. You eat it by mixing it all together.

Child’s meal.

There’s a tip to eat the meal the local way!!!

Enjoy your meal and before you finish, reserve about 1-2 spoonful of noodle in the bowl, and crack a raw egg at the center.

Mix it well.

And then you can yell to the waitstaff, “Chii-Tantan Kudasai!!!”

The waitstaff will bring away your bowl and return it to you with hot soup added to your bowl.

Now you have egg soup!!

I kept wondering what Chii-Tantan means! It is obviously not Japanese, and since this dish probably has its roots from China, is Chii-Tantan… 鸡蛋汤??? It must be!!!!

Tokyo Station

And we were back to Tokyo Station.

This is my fav shinkansen scene. A kissing Hayabusa and Komachi.

Junya and his Hayabusa Tomica.

Tadaima Tokyo. ❤︎

Once I am done with my #47PrefectureMission, I think I might want to take on a matsuri mission – to witness all these beautiful traditional culture which could cease to exist in the future with my own eyes. It’s gonna be more location and time-specific. Who is joining?

Came back home to play with not-so-baby-but-totally-looks-like-baby Sakura and baby Elsa.

Went to play at the pool in the afternoon.

Dished out the cake I ordered very last minute in the evening. It totally didn’t look like a birthday cake for a 4-year-old boy. It’s purple because Junya’s (current) favorite color is purple, and Ajisai (hydrengea) is a June flower. I mean it cannot always be about cherry-blossom-themed all the time haha.

We spent one night in Aomori, and ambitiously thought about visiting Hakodate, Hokkaido, since it only takes 1 hour 6 minutes!!! That’s the time it takes from my home in KL to travel into town haha.

We left our resort, Aomoriya and headed to Misawa Station with the resort’s shuttle bus.

Transit at Hachinohe, bound for Shin-Hakodate-Hokuto.

Bought this salted scallop, I used it as topping for my Ochazuke, it was so good!

Reached Shin-Hakodate-Hokuto and wait for the local train to Hakodate station.

Two of them rest in one stroller during the ride. ^^

Hakodate Station

And… we are in Hokkaido!!! <3

It feels a little surreal, I haven’t been back to Hokkaido for so long, and it’s nice to be here in the mid summer! Best weather in whole Japan at that time haha.

View right outside of Hakodate station. Such a pretty city!

The danna brought us to Ajisai, a super famous ramen chain from Hakodate. Singaporeans!!! Now you can enjoy it at Hokkaido Marche in Orchard Central (next to Donki). Even though I live in Singapore somehow I still feel envious hahahha. You guys really have all the best of Japan!

Shoyu base.

Shio base. I love it!!

Ah gyozaaaaaaa my fav.

Karaage!

Stay

We checked into a ryokan with private in-room onsen! (Forgot the name, let me check and update again)

He can’t stop talking right before he sleeps. He’d lay in his bed and be yapping and yapping and yapping about his fantasy complete with exaggerated hand gestures (“then the truck came down and just swooosh!!! like this fall on the shinkansen, and the shinkansen move up here, and everybody go down to the staircase and BOOM! and MELT the lion, so the blue color light is blinking and I close it and then….”) and I was just like oooooh, wow…. uh huh… and he doesn’t care he just kept talking until he is soooo tired and doze off. Haha.

Patissier , cleaner, architect, rocket scientist…

He is so many things. Sometimes all at once.

Baker.

Cereal chemist. Experimenting with his newly hired cluless intern. Mix and match to see what will explode and what will not. (In most cases mama’s temper will.)

Engineer. He designed this “Kabocha Basha” (Pumpkin Horse Carriage). I am assuming that his cluless intern has been promoted to be his princess.

Fireworks scientist. He said this is the firework station where hanabi is about to launch. Made with a tripod, Magiclean mop, a plastic rose and a broken snorkel gear. I am assuming the Meiji milk stick is the gun powder to fuel the fireworks. Also the canned fish are… I dunno, explosives, I guess. There are just a lot of bombing going on in this house. I’m not allowed to meddle with it because it is very dangerous apparently.

Today he’s just a… terrorist.

It’s one of those day I felt like saying to my captor – “don’t torture me anymore. Just… shoot me.”

Then I made him my slave.

Reflection Time

I try to practice a reflection time when I tuck him to bed. For me, for him. Usually when I had scolded him or became unreasonably angry, I try to make it up to him by ending the day positively.

We talk about the things that happened that day, what he did good, what he did not so good, and I thank him for all the things he did good. Thank you for being a good boy at dinner today, thanks for cleaning up the toys just now… etc.

But to my surprise, he does not accept all of them. I’m not sure if it’s in his Japanese genes to have this compulsory self-deprecation. When I praise him and thank him, he’d think about it for awhile, and then very factually reply, “No no mama, you don’t say thank you because today I spilled the cereal and I didn’t clean up. That’s why you don’t say thank you.” (And then I’ll have to explain to him “yea you didn’t clean up the cereal but you helped put the tomica back into the box. So I still have to thank you for that.)

She’s a little care bear. I feel that she can understand a lot of complicated emotions now, and she shows that she cares.

Where papa? She asks me everyday after the danna goes to work.

Mama itai? (painful?) She asks me when she sees a scratch or wound on my body.

Sorry mama. Sometimes even when I’m just quiet and looking a little not too happy, she volunteers to say sorry, even though it could be her brother who made me upset.

T_T

Dowan Mama

On the flip side, she could also be a mini devil when she’s unhappy. She splurts DOWAN MAMA!! in a sulky tone alllllllll the time, whenever things don’t go the way she wants.

(dowan nii nii)

When Junya doesn’t let her play with something, she grouches, DOH-WAN Nii Nii. And then when I try to explain to her aiding her brother (cuz she’s the one being unreasonable), she’d turn to me, DOH-WAN mama oso.

🙄🙄🙄

This one confirm is pick up from her brother. Haih.

But she changes mood much faster than her brother, so after a few minutes she’d come to me herself and be like “sorry mama. Don’t say dowan mama okeh?”

Sakura Says

DAAK!

She started talking sooooo much but sometimes I have no freaking idea what she’s talking about. And I can’t just simply 敷衍了事 just brush her off saying “ooooh I see!” She won’t buy it. She will insist that I repeat what she says to make sure I understand EXACTLY what she said.

She now learned how to abuse the word “abunai” (“dangerous” in Japanese).

Place her on her high chair, she screams ABUNAAAAI! So that I will carry her onto my lap to eat.

Place her on the edge of bed she yells ABUNAAAAI! So I will hold her and change her clothes.

Place her on any general platform of a certain height and she’d be like ABUNAAAIIII! so that I will have to continue to carry her.🙄🙄🙄

Mama? Mama. Mama?

It’s horrible. I think I’ll just give up weaning forever until she ownself feel shy or something. She’s back to waking up multiple times a night. I write in this blog on this topic until I sian.

She doesn’t even cry anymore, she just crawls next to me, and keeps calling, “Mama. Mama? Mama!!” until I lift my shirt to reveal my oppai T___T.

Sometimes during day time when she wants to nurse, she even dare to be shy!! And will just look at me wide-eyed and whine “hmmmmm~~~”. I pretend not knowing what she wants then she’ll be a bit louder “HMMMM~~~!”. It keeps on going until I give up and ask her, “oppai?” and she gives the biggest smile, “yesh.”

Haih.

(Oh but still there’s something awesome about it!! Being addicted to oppai makes it almost impossible for her to be angry at me for a long time. Every time she says “DOHWAN MAMA”, and I’ll be like, “you mean you don’t want oppai?” then immediately her face changes and softens down, and there she goes, “sorry mama.😞”. Yeap. I still hold absolute power as long as there’s oppai.)

For Mama

1

A couple of weeks ago Junya had an accident. It was completely my fault. Sakura had had fever for days and I was major stressed and was already moody. We were fighting because I insisted that he can only eat snack after proper dinner. He was very upset and tried to snatch the snack from me, I resisted, and by the force of pulling he slipped and fell of the chair and knocked his mouth onto the metal part of the trampoline and before I knew it he was crying with blood all over his mouth and I was crying because I panicked not knowing what to do AND BECAUSE I HURT HIM. IT WAS MY FAULT.

He fractured his front tooth. Both of us were in shock. The feverish, wailing Sakura became super quiet because she was shocked too seeing our reactions. Everyone was in shock.

The danna rushed back and calmly brought all of us to the dentist to have him checked. He is ok now. It’s lucky that it was just his milk tooth which will drop in a couple of years time anyway.

But I repented. I spent days and days repenting what I had been feeling and unknowingly doing to all my family members. I was angry, moody, irritable and stressed out the whole time. I didn’t realized how much negative energy I have been spreading to everyone in the house.

For many months now I had been quite cold and impatient especially with Junya. At almost 4 I expected him to behave more civilized and less drive-me-up-the-wall. I kept my distance because I knew that I was like a time bomb that could explode any time at the littlest things that tick me off.

At the dentist I couldn’t stop crying not because I was worried, but I was shocked at how unbelievably brave he was. The dentist asked him to open mouth, he opened. Dentist touched his wound, he just laid there quietly. Dentist asked him to gargle to disinfect, he did it so obediently. Although I know it must have hurt A LOT. Dentist took X ray to check his teeth bone, he was alone in the X-ray room without a sound. Even I cannot imagine myself being this brave. And he is not even 4 yet. How dared I expect so much of him?

I repented. Greatly.

And then I realized how much a good boy he has been. At the dentist, in school. I just didn’t understand why the moment he comes home he’s a completely different person. This wild, uncontrollable mini terrorist. But now I know. It is because kids do have stress too. They are forced to do what they are told by many many different adults. They are trying their best to be their best self outside. They have to do things that they don’t like, just because they are told to. They have to be brave. They have to be strong. They have to put up with lots of things that they don’t understand. And when they finally come home to familiar faces, they just want to manja a little. Release a little. Be a little wilder. Act a little more willful. Have a little more love from us parents. And I had been depriving him of his little indulgence. I didn’t give him love. Everyone needs to de-stress, right? Outside stress, come home also stress, anyone will go crazy, right?

I was so ashamed of myself. I remember when I gave birth, all I prayed was that he was born a healthy baby. 4 years later, suddenly I have so many extra expectations. Must be obedient. Must have good manners. Must learn to clean up toys. Must eat vegetables. Must this must that…

Whatever happened to “just wish he is healthy”? If I’m god, I will just tell this greedy mommy off to stop expecting so much. Your son is already healthy. Whatever is more, are bonuses.

I will atone my sin. Less anger, more patience, more love.

2

Last week I mentally collapsed. Lots of things happened, I couldn’t eat or sleep and I was 37KG. The lowest since secondary school.

I didn’t celebrate mother’s day because I forgot about it. I sometimes do wonder why I had kids. I hated kids before I had any. It’s a lot of work. It makes you lose sleep, lose weight, lose focus on work, lose all the happy things you used to love and enjoy when you were childless, lose sanity, and worst, lose yourself.

Having kids also put a tremendous test on your marriage. Now you have to work on both your kids and your marriage. Sometimes you just want to pack your bags and just disappear for a few days because F it you’re done with all these mothering bullshit so you don’t F care anymore BUT YOU CAN’T BECAUSE YOU ARE A MOTHER AND YOU CAN’T JUST DUMP YOUR CHILDREN AT HOME AND F CARE ABOUT THEM.

I think this is the shittiest part of motherhood. It’s not the cooking, changing, bathing, coaxing, threatening, paying attention when you just want to black out, cleaning up spilled cereals cookie crumbs hot soup sandwich bits and vomit that is daunting. It is that you have nowhere to escape to or fall back on when you are about to collapse. When you feel like shit, you can’t really be really feeling like shit because you still have to care for other people and pretend that you’re not feeling like shit. That’s the WORST.

I wanted to just really allow myself to truely feel like shit for once without caring about other people’s assorted shit anymore. So I hurled myself at that oncoming speed train. I jumped right down.

(Luckily only in my mind.)

And then I mentally blacked out for days. Some of me is still broken, to be honest. Lots of things needs to be fixed inside. You can’t heal from a mental train wreck in days.

I don’t have a solution to this, and I don’t think I ever will. But one step at a time, even though it looks to me like a fkcing Batu Caves staircase. To exercise your heart. Make it tougher every day. Give it some serious muscle.