Drug-free in '03!

And 149 other things I swear I'll do next year

Although the new year is a few weeks away, as an early Christmas gift, we offer this list of resolutions. We know you don't need these--you're thin, beautiful, rich, smoke- and disease-free. But just in case...

1. I will quit smoking.

2. I will lose weight.

3. I will stop referring to myself in the third person.

4. I will stop referring to my wife as "what's-her-name."

5. I will stop referring to two wins in a row as a "winning streak."

6. I will stop downloading porn from the Internet on company time.

7. I will stop calling people "dude."

8. I will stop wearing hip-huggers and clogs.

9. I will stop taking business lunches at Cabaret Royale.

10. I will get a real haircut that doesn't make me look like Frankenstein.

11. I will stop referring to the mayor as "Ted Benavides."

12. I will stop letting Robert Decherd tell me what to do.

13. I will stop collecting a paycheck for "writing."

14. I will go back to the gym and actually use the equipment this time.

15. I will stop dancing in public.

16. I will stop picking my nose when I think no one is looking.

17. I will stop illegally burning CDs and taking money out of the pockets of millionaires.

18. I will stop talking about me all the time.

19. I will listen to what you have to say.

20. Did you say something?

21. I will pick up a check every so often.

22. I will get someone pregnant.

23. I will see the dentist sometime this decade.

24. I will start wearing pants.

25. I will stop referring to my privates as "paradise alley."

26. I will stop eating red meat.

27. I will stop eating fish.

28. I will stop eating vegetables.

29. I will stop eating.

30. I will stop dating strippers.

31. I will start dating hookers.

32. I will stop getting plastic surgery.

33. I will stop wearing hairpieces.

34. I will fire Dave Campo.

35. I will see a movie in a foreign language and like it.

36. I will stop referring to Shawn Bradley as "good" or "promising."

37. I would love to love you, baby.

38. I will start using spellchek.

39. I will stop using my cell phone while in the car.

40. I will stop hanging up on my mother.

41. I will stop answering the phone by saying, "Go."

42. I will stop referring to my children as "what's-their-names."

43. I will stop crank-calling 911.

44. I will give the police a 15 percent raise...maybe.

45. I will sell a sports team.

46. I will buy an airplane off the Internet.

47. I will stop locking my kid in a closet.

48. I will learn how to speak a second language that isn't "British."

49. I will stop referring to Dallas as "The City of Hate."

50. I will stop going to Dealey Plaza at midnight to re-enact the assassination of JFK.

51. I will stop making the thumbs-up gesture when I agree with someone.

52. I will stop driving to Krispy Kreme at 11:55 p.m.

53. I will stop playing Grand Theft Auto Vice City till 4 a.m.

54. I will stop referring to Jackass as the "greatest movie ever made."

55. I will stop ordering Pizza Hut every night.

56. As if it wasn't obvious, I will stop smoking dope.

57. I will stop referring to the city charter as "inconsequential nonsense."

58. I will stop arresting innocent people.

59. I will learn the difference between cocaine and chalk powder.

60. I will hold my job forever no matter how many times I fuck up.

61. I will not run for mayor.

62. I will stop urinating in public unless absolutely necessary.

63. I will stop referring to the boss as "who?"

64. I will stop asking you to "smell this."

65. I will stop being jealous of friends who are more successful than I.

66. I will get new friends.

67. I will use my turn signal.

68. I will stop swearing.

69. Fuck that.

70. I will stop believing those are "actual photos."

71. I will stop pretending I am embarrassed by escort ads since they do pay my rent.

72. I will learn how to cook something other than pasta.

73. I will stop watching television.

74. I will buy a book that doesn't have pictures in it.

75. I will stop trying to write off Maxim as a business expense.

76. I will stop searching the Internet for nude pictures of Bea Arthur.

77. I will use my looks for good, not evil.

78. I will stop referring to a certain former gubernatorial candidate as "Dirty Sanchez."

79. I can dance if I want to, I can leave my friends behind.

80. I will stop insisting I read Tiger Beat for the articles.

81. I will stop promising what I cannot deliver.

82. I will stop referring to my husband as "Steve...something."

83. I will stop pretending I am a Democrat.

84. I will stop dating models unless absolutely necessary.

85. I will stop referring to Dirk Nowitzki as "Eva Brawny."

86. I will stop reveling in the misfortune of others unless absolutely necessary.

87. I will stop referring to the American Airlines Center as "that overpriced toilet bowl."

88. I will dome the Cotton Bowl.

89. I will build a glorious urban development on the Trinity River.

90. I will turn downtown Dallas into Central Park.

91. I will pick up some "magic dust" that makes the impossible possible.

92. I will learn how to play a musical instrument instead of merely blowing it out my ass.