Friday, December 26, 2008

I bought and downloaded this album a few months ago- and with that came a CD sent to me. I finally got around to listening to it in its entirety on the way to work early this morning, and let me tell you:THIS IS THE MOST AMAZING RECORD I HAVE EVER HEARD!In my 51 years, I've heard plenty, but the way this guy mashed familiar rock standards with some rap is amazing. It's titled Feed The Animals by A guy who calls himself Girl Talk. Go figure!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

I took this quiz last year and nothing has changed in a year.. I'm still 25 in New York.

My New York age is "25"

This New York age puts you-generally speaking-into the young category. That's what you were hoping for, right? Run and tell your friends. Then get drunk (as usual). Then sleep it off. Then pop an Adderall. Then come back and consider experimenting with a more mature type of New York life (just once in a while). Have you ever been to the Village Vanguard or the Living Theatre? Eaten at Elaine's? Taken a date to Michael Feinstein? Before you laugh, check 'em out and see what old-school NYC experiences you can add to the new.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

I saw an old friend yesterday. I stop on the Massachusetts Turnpike quite often at the Sturbridge rest area. In the men’s room there is this tile. I first saw this tile about 3 years ago. Do you see anything?

Now?

How about now?

I named him Harry, because he looks like a Harry and because I’m harried when I stop to use the facilities.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

By popular demand (well one person) I repost my Thanksgiving Visit story I wrote in 1998. Enjoy!

Thanksgiving Visit

I made my usual visit to my parents on Thanksgiving. It was a cold and rainy day when I walked down the hill for my meeting. Today, I could combine my yearly Thanksgiving talks. This was the first Thanksgiving in twenty-two years that my parents were together. The happy turkey dinners of my youth were now replaced by a chilling, wet, solitary visit to a lonely headstone.

I knelt down by the cold, impersonal grave site and I was lost in the past, memories of family visits to my grandparent’s house, uncles and aunts and cousins brimming from every corner of the house. Gone was the warm, festive kitchen complete with a turkey and all of its trimmings. I felt so detached. I don’t even eat turkey anymore. Now all that was left of those blissful days was a cold, gray, moss covered rock with my parent’s names and the dates of their birth and death.

No one ever quite gets over losing a loved one. The circled or checked dates on a calendar that used to remind us of the joyous celebrations of birthdays, now go by almost unnoticed. A quick glance as we pass by a calendar with an empty date sadly reminds us of our loss, no more ripping open packages and blowing out birthday candles, it’s just a ordinary day like hundreds of others now.

During my brief visit, occasionally a car would splash by on the road above, pulling me back into the present, a time of wives, children, mortgages, alimony, careers and lost dreams. For now I wanted the past. The past seemed so contrasted from the present.

It started raining harder and I knew I would get drenched if I didn’t end my visit soon. There was so much that I wanted to tell my parents. I wanted to let my mother read my latest children’s book manuscript. When I would call her up, discouraged, at my latest rejection letter, she would tell me to “be patient, Rome wasn’t built in a day. Someday I’ll see your book in a store, and I’ll be proud of you son.” But she never will now. I also want my father to see how well my oldest son, Chris, is doing on his new job. My father has never seen any of my children because he died three years before Chris was born. I need guidance from both of them on what to do with my problem teenage daughter, Stacy. How do I tell Stacy that if she continues down the wrong path, she will be throwing her life away. How do I get this message through to Stacy as they did to me? I want to show both of them how well the two little ones are doing. My father would be especially proud of Sarah and Tim. They both have a great talent for art and drawing. Before my father became a minister, he went to art school and contemplated commercial art as a career. As a little boy, I remember sitting by his easel watching him create wonderful paintings from a nothing but his imagination and a blank canvas. My youngest, Tim, shares my fathers wit and wisdom of the world. Tim likes everyone and everyone likes Tim. He reminds me so much of my dad.

Turning around sadly, my visit drew to a close. I walked slowly up the wet grass towards my car, past countless of unseen graves of people of whose faces I didn’t know, a paused a few times on my journey and glanced back at my parents mortal body’s permanent resting place a few more times. What a great place for their flesh to be spending eternity, a mere three-quarters of a mile from our old house where we spend so many pleasant times.

I got in my car and drove away. When I crossed the Farmington River Bridge I took a right turn down School Street, some force greater than me controlling my mind at that point. I drove by our old house, the last one where we all lived as a family. I could almost see Scruffy, our little dog, looking out the window. She always sat on the stairs and waited patiently for someone to come home, somehow I know she is waiting for all of us to return and be with her once again. The tree that my mother planted the first summer we lived in this house was still in the front yard. The memory of that last Christmas we lived here and she insisted everyone decorate the scraggly little tree with blinking lights made me smile. More than twenty years later, it’s still a barren, leafless tree and I wondered if the only life in that scraggly tree is the memories of happier days gone past, and when those memories die the tree will too. I can still hear the cacophony of that last Christmas morning, when my brother Rob and I, even as teenagers, raced each other down the stairs to see what we received for gifts. As brothers we couldn’t be more opposite. Rob the sports nut, got all types of sports paraphernalia that year and I was more into other things and all sorts of books or record albums awaited me under the tree. That was the very first year we didn’t visit any other relatives due to my father’s declining health. I wish now that I knew that a mere four months later he would be gone forever, I know I wouldn’t have retreated to my room after all the paper and bows were deposited in the trash. I think I would have spent more time with my dad.

The tears began at this moment as I turned around at the end of the dead end street, then I angrily floored the car, and sped past the house full of old memories. I coaxed even more speed out of the car, hoping the faster I went, the farther the painfully sad memories will be left behind and I’d find some sort of happier experiences around the next corner. But memories never get left behind; no matter if they are happy, sad, painful, embarrassing or otherwise. They just become little chunks of our soul and make us all who we are at this point in time.

Monday, August 18, 2008

I was racing around the internet yesterday and came across a really cool site that sells restored 50s ads to be used as framed art. Cool! But in examination of some of these pictures the artists who painted them in the 50s have less of a grasp on reality than I do. Let me point out my disturbing observations:

This is refrigerator ad from 1954. Look at the back ground; apparently we landed a fridge on the moon 16 years before Neil Armstrong took his first steps there. Why? Was it to test how the fresh spilled food would be when Neil wanted a snack? What powered this fridge/rocket? I want some for my car.

Okay- so I messed with this one. It originally read “Cookies” and I changed it to sex. C’mon guys, wouldn’t we wash dishes for sex anyways?

Look at the record jacket. Exactly the same image as what the ad is. Freaky!

A revolving house! I want one NOW!

What’s with the boy in the yellow shirt? Practicing not football, but a dance move for his Broadway debut? I’ll bet that kid gets beat up a LOT!

A spilled lunch. A tomato sandwich- the lunch of all healthy girls from the 1950s, and not one but TWO apples and a banana AND a piece of cake! And what’s with the trucker? He seems to be admiring that boy’s butt while his partner takes a snooze.

If I had cancer, and I saw that …. Thing… aimed at me, I’d die right there on the table. A 50s idea of what cancer treatment in the future might entail.

Lots of drinking and baking went on in the 50s.

Read the caption……. ‘nuff said!

The woman in this painting looks like Scarlett Johannson.

No? Wonder if she cooks like the woman too.

The housewife is polishing kitchen utensils and her husband (I assume) is polishing the ’57 Plymouth. Scary people.

The caption of this might read: “Holy cow am I wasted. I’ll just hold on to this garden post until the effects of the LSD wear off. These red swirls are making me dizzy.”

This was published in 1956 telling us what the house of the future might look like. Okay then, where is my flying car? Some things DID come true: The projection TV, the internet on that TV like box on the counter, and control panels for the house (on the far right). I want to know why this guy lives with so many women. Did they predict an upturn in polygamy?

This one reminded me of my grandparent’s house trailer at the beach. They had great neighbors that always would bring food over. Nothing really funny here, not unless you would consider that wisecracking 5 year old (me) that didn’t make it into this painting.

This picture was so wrong, that I had to number some parts:

1) What’s a blind guy (doesn’t that look like a seeing eye dog) doing on a boat? Maybe that is his hot daughter everyone is chatting up lying on the lounge chair in front of him? The only way to get Stella on the boat is to invite her dad along. And don’t forget Sparky, his dog. Dad doesn’t leave home without him.

2) Odd place to put a boat motor, don’t you think? Especially on a lifeboat. If that party boat is sinking, I don’t care if I’m in an engine powered boat or hand powered boat, I’m getting the hell off of the sinker as fast as possible.

3) What’s the kid fishing for? Doesn’t he know that you can’t catch fish if you dangle your line in the boat’s wake? I haven’t been fishing that often, but that part I DO know!

4) Sure just what the boat’s pilot needs, another drink!

5) Because….. he is aiming directly at the littler boat. He might be giving a drunken wave, but I’ll bet that other boat captain is holding up his middle finger!

Is this a 50s picnic lunch or a dish to bring to a bachelorette party?

This pic is from a calendar from 1954. I find it the most disturbing of all. What’s a weird looking guy wearing pajamas riding on a toboggan doing coming out of another guy’s crotch? By the stars around the guy, it looked like it was a mighty painful exit too.

And of course, the last picture is one of me trapped in a TV in a 1950s living room. Please let me out.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

If you Google mine, you’ll find stuff about me starting about page 13. The lion’s share of the “Googliness” of my name is this guy who started Galpin Ford in California.

Other than our names, it looks like we have an affinity for Hawaiian shirts. That’s Frank on the left. The guy on the right is Bert Boeckmann, current owner of Galpin Ford. One of Bert’s sons started Galpin Auto Sports, a car customizing company and sponsor of the MTV show Pimp My Ride. I wonder if they could pimp my ride. I’ve always wanted a bio-diesel hot rod… hmmm….

Anyway- Google your name here. Any surprises? Don’t forget to put your name in quotation marks, so it will just search for your name. If you don’t and let’s say your name is Kim, you will have to sort through 150,000 Kim Kardashian pages before getting to yours.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Life is a highway, and if it is, I feel like I’m at mile marker 114 out of a 150 mile journey.

I’m at the point in my trip where a person starts feeling a little antsy, a bit cooped up. I’m a little nervous about my final destination, and it seems as if I have passed all of the really neat rest stops. Now all I have to do is enjoy the scenery (and it’s GREAT!) and drive on to my destination.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

I made the word up, and this past week I’ve been sneaking it into my everyday conversation. – Yes by the way, I’m weird.

9 Out of 10 people let it go by- maybe they think that they are dumb and don’t know the word and will look it up later, So 1 out of 10 people have the guts to admit that they might not know everything.

What does garaticulating mean? I looked up some roots:

Gara is a Spanish newspaper. So garaticulating might take on an adjective form…. Putting something in the newspaper.

“After she broke up with him, threatened the movie start with garaticulatin about their affair.”

Gara is also a village in India. It might be a happy place to live, I’d like to think that, so the villagers might garaticulate, and the present participle would be garaticulating. The word might denote gaieties and fun:

“The children, all hopped up on birthday cake, were garaticulating around the pool, making my mother very nervous.”

BUT! The coolest use of my made up word is it kind of sounds like a band from the 70s. I Photoshopped what their record labels might have looked like. Check out the songwriters (the names under the song titles):

Their first hit! It was culled from their album;

“Make Way For Us”

Hit number 2! It went to number 1!!!

So on the success of the first two, the band pressured their record label into issuing their third hit on a custom printed label- but the art department screwed up the colors, and it was hard to read… ultimately leading to dissention among band members and the band’s breakup. The band members now are 50-year-old bloggers and professional Reminiscers, an honored, but highly underpaid job of telling stories from the past for money. It looked awful:

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

There is always something to be said for time- or rather lack of it- maybe mismanagement?

My job gives me 5 days in a row off every three weeks. I’m on the last day of it and haven’t yet accomplished anything I set out to do.

My list of things to do:

Finish the two short films scripts I’ve been working on for like a year.

Start a short story for submission to a literary anthology. I have notes etc. I have to get down to the mechanics of working on it.

Re-watch some movies: Little Children, Donnie Darko, Gray Matters. I loved these when I first watched them, but I was looking over my DVD collection and pulled out these three to re-watch.

Edit and comment on a friend’s short story. She is stuck- and asked me to offer suggestions to help her finish it.

Ride my bike! Although the weather hasn’t co-operated this 5 day.

Go into the City (New York) for a day- I read about an exhibit at the Guggenheim, but now I even forgot what it was, or why I was interested in it.

---- Nap---

So what have I squandered my time on?

Reading about what a great man Tim Russert was.

Watching DVDS of Friends, Weeds and NOT watching the above movies.

Picking my daughter up and giving her rides to her boyfriend’s house, then giving her rides home. This has been very time consuming.

Wasting time online- sometimes I wish I never even had Internet access. I downloaded some really cool stuff from I-Tunes, Aimee Mann’s new record is awesome. Found some old 70s type stuff from my teens years-

Reading blogs- I read at least 50 every day so far, and try and comment on each one. Maybe thi8s isn’t a time waster, ‘cause it’s kind of fun.

So- I think I have to take some stock and not let myself get derailed in three weeks.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

June is an important month for me. It was June of the year 1984 I gained control over my life and became sober. So- 24 years. Hah! Next year is the big year- 25 years of wishing I was drunk- yes it never goes away. I always thought it was in September, but that’s when my original divorce started, and I didn’t make this life altering decision until the next June.

A lot ha been said and written on this very site about sobriety. Not unless you have been through it, had that devil monkey nipping at your back every day you don’t understand all the nuances nuisances of living sober everyday- for everyday can be a struggle. Even after 24 years.

So with that being said- I SHOULD post tales of how I had to cope and the good times I missed out on because I know even ONE drink will do me in. That’s’ how close to the edge I’ve always been- one drink and I’d wake up three-six-nine months or even a year later and wondered what happened.

But 26 is awfully young to realize this problem. I wonder what I was thinking back then—I look at my older kids, 28 and 26 and wonder if they could make a descion like that if they saw the self-destruction I was going through.

Anyway- I thought I’d share an important anniversary in my life, and I SHOULD share some stories, but I don’t think anyone will be interested.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

I think it would make a really neat place to live. Spacious, well lit are things in I look for in a abode. I’ve peered inside and one of those two ‘wings’ would make a neat artist’s space.

I thought it would be a great space for a recording studio, but there are neighbors really close on both sides and across the street, so making music at 3 in the morning is out of the question. A painter’s room? Cool. Too bad I don’t paint. But the church is so big I could rent out part of it.. to a painter. A writer? Any takers?

I’m too chicken to call and ask the price. Maybe I’d be surprised.

PS. Please excuse the small parts of my Ford Explorer that encroached into the photos. I took them from my cell phone, and I’m not that great taking photos from a phone. I’m doing this because it seems my camera had an unfortunate accident. A few weeks ago my son Tim left it on my Explorer’s rear bumper and I took off for work at 1 AM and couldn’t see it in the dark. It made it to the end of my driveway before falling off and smashing itself into a thousand digital fragments.

PS PS- My Ford Explorer is being replaced Monday with a Subaru Outback Limited. I must bid my Ford friend adieu- I love the machine, but she needs engine work, brake work and a new transmission and with 175,000 on her and only getting about 14 miles per gallon (she’s tired!) I need something a bit more reliable to drive everyday. Yesterday as I drove her home from work, I shed a tear because our nice sunny spring days together are coming to an end… it’s really stupid to get so attached to a car-

Sunday, June 1, 2008

I’d like to thank everyone who commented on my creep factor question. Here is a short synopsis of what I’m trying to accomplish in my story.

I’m trying to tell a story of a young girl who is a prostitute and marries this older guy for trust issues, while still acting out her emotional need for sexual satisfaction from strangers. The older guy knows about what she does, but has a strong desire to help her out to overcome her problems because he has fallen in love with her. The story would open with the girl and her ‘client’ coming out from a bedroom and the husband being home and the client being befuddled by the whole arrangement; the husband knowing about what his wife does, and being fine with it. And to throw another twist into the plot, while the husband is telling the client that it is okay, another girl comes into the scene who is the girl’s lesbian lover.

You see why I titled it Trust. The husband REALLY has to trust his wife, his wife trusts him to provide guidance to her, that she hasn’t had in her life, the husband and the wife’s lover have an unspoken mutual trust agreement between them. I call the arrangement a tri-ouple. But the wife’s client also has his trust shattered, because I’ll bet men who visit prostitutes have some kind of idea of what the girl’s life might be like. Learning all this about her has his head spinning.

I guess I have to write it all out to make any sense… I want to make this a short film script… I bet I could extend it to a full length film, but I haven’t the time or ambition to do so.

A few weeks ago Karyn Bosnak posted a blog about crocs. I read all the comments and how people thought they were comfortable, so I decided to break down a buy a pair.

I didn’t know they snapped! After many attempts to get them on my feet, and almost getting a few fingers caught in the snaps, I gave up. I don’t have a clue how people get them to stay on their feet, and they look really, really uncomfortable, and I decided to return them

When I took them back to the store I bought them from the one-armed man behind the counter pointed his only straight finger to the sign above the counter that read: “NO RETURNS ON CROCS”

Sunday, May 25, 2008

I’m writing a short film screenplay about trust. Not to give too much of the plot away, it involves an older guy marrying a much, much younger woman Now---- with Indiana Jones opening this weekend, and all the woman’s talk of Harrison Ford’s lingering ‘hotness’ at 65.

His relationship with a much younger woman (22 years age difference) I would like to know what the average person’s “Creep Factor” for dating younger/older people. I recently read that it is the older person’s age, divided by two and add seven and that is the YOUNGEST the older person can get involved with. In my screenplay- my guy is aged 55 and his wife is 22.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

You’re suddenly wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. Well maybe not, but let’s pretend. In other words- money is not a worry for you anymore, and you can do whatever you want to do for the rest of your life.

A lot of people give vague answers when asked what they would do if they were rich. Most people would like to travel. To where? Have many people REALLY given thought to who they are and what they would do if wealthy?

So- I sat down and really thought about who I am and here is what I came up with:

My greatest joy in life is to make people smile, laugh and think. So I would continue to write a blog- or something to entice a chuckle, a chortle, an insightful thought or something. If I didn’t have to work, I could write more, and if a day came I didn’t feel like sitting down and writing- I’d write; “Nothing to say today.”

I don’t have time to ride everyday, so I’d ride my bike more.

Yes I’d travel. I have always wanted to check out the United Kingdom, so I’d get my International Driver’s license, fly over there, buy a car and drive around for three or so years. Explore every nook and cranny. But then again I’d like to explore the nooks and crannies of this country, so maybe I’d be over there for two years and drive around over here for two years. Take pictures. Lots! I’d also like to see the Great Wall of China before I die. I like India too… so much to see.

I’d give more gifts. I LOVE giving gifts to people… it’s my second joy in life behind making people smile. Some people think it’s a little strange that I give gifts to strangers, but I like doing it. So if I was wealthy, I’d gift many, many people. I’d cruise Amazon.com’s wish lists and gift people their whole list!

When not traveling, gifting, writing, I’d spend whole days in NYC doing nothing and feeling guilty about it.

I love mash-up songs. That’s where they piece together a song from many others. Maybe I’d do a few of those. Heck, I just LOVE creating things, so that’s what I’d do when not traveling, gifting, reading, lounging in New York, or napping.

The only thing I haven’t figured out is where I’d live. I love the beach, but I love New York City too. A few years ago I spent a week in Chicago and LOVED that city too. So maybe I’d have residences in many cities.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

I saw something which disturbed me this bright warm spring morning. I witnessed a bus full of kids, and on the console next to the bus driver was a crocheted covered coffee can full of pens and pencils. I don’t blame the bus driver for this- she is probably just trying to be a great driver by having a supply of writing implements for those kids who forgot theirs. Most likely she never thought about what might happen to these missiles if she was to get into an accident.

In the course of my day I see all sorts of people exiting their cars full of junk. Candy wrappers, soda cans, Snapple bottles- well you get the idea. I’ll bet no one even thinks of what kind of destruction these pieces of trash can do in an accident- and you could be the most careful driver out there, but someone else could hit you and you could die in a stupid trash-missile accident.

About 20 years ago, up near Schenectady New York, I witnessed a truck run off the road in the middle of the night. I stopped to help. The truck was rolled on its side, and when I saw the driver I thought he lost an eye- it was that gross. But in reality, he just cut himself above the eye, ad the blood was running down his face. He was hit by his trucker’s briefcase- the thing he put his wallet in, shipping papers, log book, etc. He was hit with the thing because it was loose inside his truck’s cab, and when he rolled over, he got hit with the loose object. Luckily, there was an ER nurse who also witnessed the crash and stopped to help, and I overheard her telling the police officer that responded that if the briefcase hit him a quarter if an inch closer to his eye socket he would have broken his skull and his eye would have been expelled from its socket. I get queasy just thinking about this.

Another time I stopped to help out at an accident in northern Massachusetts, right on the Vermont border. It had rained (in February!) and just before I arrived in that area the road was solid ice. While assisting at the first accident, a young woman, 25ish, hit a patch of ice and flipped her car three times and rolled it three times. When my driving partner and I got to her demolished car, she was still in the driver’s seat, appeared to be unharmed (yeah for the safety of Mercedes!) as far as we could see with the car on its side. But after trying to get her out, we noticed she was dazed and incoherent, more than should be, looking at her condition. Again, we had professional help, a paramedic arrived at the scene for the first accident and witnessed this girl’s ‘stunt’ driving, and he noticed her purse. I picked it up off her head, and the thing must have weighed 30 pounds- she had everything in there, and the paramedic deduced that her purse hit her squarely in the temple. She could not move any of her limbs, and to this day I wonder if she recovered. I can’t help believe if her purse didn’t hit her in the head, she might have just got out and walked away from that accident.

I read somewhere (No I can’t produce the link-sorry) that something like 10% of fatal accidents could be avoided because it wasn’t the impact that killed the car’s occupants, it was the junk they had laying around in the car that brought about their demise.

So- I hope you see my point. Does YOUR car have implements of possible destruction on the floor? I REFUSE to let my passengers drink out of a glass container while we are driving. Imagine that a full 16 oz glass bottle could do if left in a cup holder and you are hit on the side. We forced the car manufacturers into providing us with all these cup holders, but have you ever thought what might happen to that steaming hot cup of coffee if you are hit from the side by an errant driver?

So keep your modes of transportation neat and free from debris. Look for stuff that can loosen in an accident and cause you or your passengers harm. I’d hate to lose anyone reading this in a freak accident involving a newly bought spatula, a bottle of mango juice, a Webster’s Thesaurus, and a hot mocha latte!

Sunday, May 4, 2008

I have a new interest in film making- especially short films, which are making a comeback from their heyday in the 1940s.

I am working on a few scripts- but one in particular is very close to my heart. It's based on a short story a friend of mine wrote, and while the story is humorous, when translated to my script, it shows sadness within the humor.

I was thinking of trying to get some sort of grant to film it, but I had an idea that it might look like a more realistic situation if filmed lo-fi style on a cheap video camera. But either way- the budget wouldn't be huge and if anyone has aspirations of working on a really cool project and getting their mug before a camera, this would be a great opportunity! Plus I need the cheap/free help... heh heh heh.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Boy meets girl. They have some laughs, and quickly realize that they will just be friends, and become close friends. During an innocent conversation, girl makes comment, boy laughs and they decide to write a book based on that comment.

Girl writes exactly one paragraph of the book proposal. The boy does all the rest of the work, works his little butt off for a year…. Girl submits book proposal to hifalutin friend who works at some major international magazines. Friend meddles in the whole project, makes some better, but causes boy much more work in the long run.

Boy wants to finish the book before trying to sell it, girl suggests boy submit the proposal. The book doesn’t sell. Boy is tired of the project after facing it for more than 5 years, and he is realistic in the fact that it will never be published.

Boy writes a short story and submits the proposal here for all to enjoy:

Dating In CyberiaA Real Life Experiment With Internet Dating

A Book Proposal

By Sally Libby and Frank Galpin

DATING IN CYBERIA

Every day approximately 10 million people go to dozens of dating websites to seek a soul mate. To test how feasible, or ridiculous, this quest can be, we created personal ads for 60 false identities -- mixing and matching varied physical qualities, desires, and biographical details for each character. Posting the fake ads on many different dating sites (where it's possible to see all the responses, and a tally of how many people read each ad), we quickly collected as many as 8,000 responses per ad.

Choosing the 40 or so ads that drew the most memorable or hilarious responses, we gathered them into a book -- with a short analysis of each ad, explaining our expectations when we posted it and summing up the quality and quantity of the date seekers it attracted. The final collection of mating calls and responses is an addictive read with the same appeal that has drawn millions of viewers to Reality TV.

Modeling our experiment after Letters from a Nut, the humor book that has sold millions of copies by presenting joke letters to corporations along with their genuine responses, we created fake dating identities that exaggerate the outlandish qualities of the love seekers on real dating sites. We pushed the limits to see how wacky we could be and still get serious replies. For comparison, we tested to see if the same ad would get a different type of response if we posted it with a photo of an attractive person or a plain-looking person. (As we suspected, looks matter. The human species seems to believe in perpetuating itself with beautiful genes only.) We also tested to see if money made a difference. Surprisingly, one of our profiles -- for a plain-looking man who had won $10 million in a lottery -- generated less than 10 replies.

To make this social experiment as entertaining as possible, we created as diverse a dating subset as exists in the real world. For instance, we placed an ad for a widower with six kids whose wife electrocuted herself as she vacuumed up a water spill. We didn't expect his hard-luck story to get many letters from women seeking a date, but he received hundreds. We also placed fake ads for: a snake-wrangling superwoman (who received about 6000 responses); an ethnic dance instructor on a cruise ship; a chimney sweeper who's recovering from claustrophobia; and many others.

Dating in Cyberia will make an extremely fun, entertaining impulse buy, particularly for singles, who make up 43 percent of the population. The outrageous fake profiles are read-out-loud funny, particularly when combined with the sincere or demented responses. Thousands of people have taken out personal ads, or answered them. But even if you've only secretly read them, this book provides a vicarious thrill and a lot more laughs than a genuine cyberdate.

Marital Status: DivorcedSeeking: Casual, Long Term RelationshipIf I was a car I’d be a: Pickup TruckCelebrity I resemble: Katie Couric

Favorite food: Spaghetti and Meatballs

Do I want Children: Undecided

Her description:

Life is great! Just need to find someone like Dick Van Dyke! LOL! I am the owner of a Chimney Sweep Company plus a recovering claustrophobic - so the two together make me a pretty intresting person. I knew I had to conker my fear so I went for it! Day in and day out I am surrounded - the first few times weren't pretty. But now I go in knowing I will come out alive, filthy, but alive! When I'm not sweeping I'm part owner of a nail salon which I manage. People think I only wear black lacquer! LOL! On my days off I like to bike and shop by day and relax with a margarita at a karaoke bar at night. I've met a lot of great people in this business; you'd be surprised how many people quit their jobs because they are sick of someone breathing down their neck and go into chimney sweeping. You basically are your own boss once your inside. And you'd be surprised at how quick you can learn it.

Her ideal mate would be:

I like tall muscley guys who know where they have been in life and where they are going (even if they have to ask for directions). I like guys who try new things and aren't afraid to sieze the day even if its night! Guys who can teach me something new if I give them half a chance. Who aren't afraid to walk a little different if thats who they are. Sometimes because of my job I may have a smokey scent (hey it beats musk!) but I've been told its sexy! When I was having my wedding shower the joke was let's make my shower a real one (I got a lot of soap!) I hope you like the country and the blues because I know some great places around here. BYOB-bring your own broom so you can sweep me off MY feet! Show me how charming you are in your response and be swept off of YOUR feet!

Despite the excessive number of misspelled words, Chimchimeree's profile was read by 6,000 people, and about 1000 posted a response (many of which also needed a spell check). When we created the ad, we were wondering what kind of guy would be attracted to an educated woman who writes as if she never paid attention in class. The answer: Most of her romeos shared her immunity to the effects of higher education. Well, at least they were open-minded enough to consider a date with a chimney sweep who has claustrophobia and a faint smoky scent. If it was good enough for Mary Poppins…

Responses

Hi:I haven't had a lot of luck dating chimney sweeps, but I'm willing to try again. Please read my profile and let me know if you would like a photo. I work in commercial building engineering/maintenance. It's a start.

My curiosity is about your vacation -- and how you ever got involved withdirty... sooty.... chimneys? It's great to forget the humdrum of the dailytoils... but it's difficult to forget the smell of #2 oils! It's equallydifficult to remove the soot from your nails... hair ... and "everything" else.Snowy, slippery roofs can ruin a day too.

Other than what I have already said... and if you have not clicked this messageaway... you look like a cute, normal person. I am a single guy that has answeredfew of these ads, but you seem so irresisable.

Sorry I'm in Kansas but I just stopped by to say you look great and don't worryabout that smokey aroma, BBQ ribs often smell of smoke and look at how they havemade out. So long cutie and beware of cinders.

You have an interesting combination of interests. I am curious why someone with a college education would decide to run a chimney sweep company, unless you're kidding (because of the claustrophobia remark and the fact that Dick VanDyke was a chimney sweep in Mary Poppins).

I admire other cultures a lot... especially the asian cultures and would like tomeet an asian lady to marry. I have been to Asia and think that asian ladies are the most beautiful in this world.

I live in CentralNew YorkState... I don't know if it's within 100 miles from you or not, but where I live is a very beautiful area with many chimneys.

Please read my profile. If you like it and reply, I'll send you a picture and maybe we can get to know each other.

Have a great day and I hope that I hear from you.

- Mark

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------i am waiting you to have love and fun with us.you are shour you from middle east???are you love come back to visit middle east and see pyramids and rever nile.i am looking apout serious relationship.if you like me e-mail me soon.sam.

Marital Status: DivorcedSeeking: Long Term RelationshipIf I was a car I’d be a: Jet airplaneCelebrity I resemble: Helen Hunt (with brown hair)

Favorite food: Happy Meal

Do I want Children: Most Definitely

Her description:

Hi! Well first of all I hope you like dogs, poodles to be specific, because I work with them and have to take them home. My house is filled with them! I started The Poodle Rescue League and am on my 31st "client". My marriage ended when I brought home #19 a year ago! What I do is reprogram them from abuse-did you know that overspoiling a dog is abusive? Poodles are like kids, if you give them too much they turn into ungrateful, whining, temperamental creatures. They are very smart and know what they are doing. Anyway, I've been working 24/7 to build my business and need a break. I like to do needlepoint (i read that Russell Crow does too!) and badmitten and bowling and hotwax sealing (I design my own seals).If we hit it off I'll knit a commode cozy or whatever and I'll send you a poodle hotwax seal that I sell at pet craft shows. I guess you could call me creative. I love craft shows and flea markets.

Her ideal mate would be:

I'm looking for a guy who is honest and has a lot of integrity and knows how to treat a lady. You don't have to hold the door for me all the time just 90%! I WILL NOT get on a motorcycle or jet ski because I was in traction when I was 23 - I wasn't ON the bike, I got hit by one at a company picnic (he was fired!) I hope you are handy around the house and can make shelves and things like that. I'm never touching a circular saw again but I'll save that story for later. I'm a little accident prone which is why I'm kind of a homebody. If you don't mind hanging around the house on weekends and don't mind cleaning up after dogs I'd like to hear from you. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE write more than one line so I can judge your personality by your response!!!

Is there anyone out there who's looking for a poodle freak with a side interest in hot wax sealing and a come-on line that includes the promise of a knitted commode cozy? We didn't think so. But we were oh so wrong. Thirteen thousand people responded to this ad, which may have something to do with the fact that we attached a photo of a beautiful woman. Contrary to our expectations, Poodlejumper didn’t attract a slew of dog lovers. Many respondents felt sorry for her because of her obvious klutziness and were dying to know the circular saw story. In fact, many of her paramours had a story of their own to tell and asked if they could compare bruises.

Responses

Hello, I had to laugh about your circular saw comment. It just so happens that I am a trainer for a power tool company. If you would like, I can teach you how to operate the circular saw safely! Or any other tool you would like. Around the office, I am referred to as Mr. Sawdust. I have been working with all these tools for some time now. It is a lot of fun as it is also a hobby of mine. I enjoy woodworking and doing different things around the house. Shelves? No problem... I think your work with the dogs sounds cool. My grandfather always had poodles, and I also thought they were very smart. It was very unusual that these dogs would never be very friendly to anyone in the family except me. Thank you for the opportunity to introduce myself a little, it would be nice to start some conversation with you.Hope to hear from you.Thanx,Dennis

I started reading your profile and to be honest I was not sure of writing, butthen I read the rest of your profile and if anything, we both share a love ofcircular saws. I thought if we don't hit it off, at least we could share oursaw stories, because I have one of my own and I'm sure it will make you feelbetter about yours. Besides a love of saws, it sounds like we have similarinterests, I've been know to stay in on weekends and hang a few shelfs, Iusually go over board with projects around the house but I've never knitted acommode cozy, I don't even know what that is. Anyway check out my profile andif your intrested in chatting, let me know.

Dearest Poodlefile I feel like I already know you because yesterday I emailedyou what I thought was a funny and interesting and open and great andblah,blah,blah,message about your sickness for poodles.I was so pleased about mylittle message that I actually stood in my office and did a back flip off of mydesk,out the window and into the dumpster unscathed and found the rest of thebagel that I pitched out the day before in haste.Man was I happy with myliterary masterpiece.Well... today I come into my office and see I have a newEmail. Golly! I say to myself wouldnt it be neato if my poodle toting buddy fromChi town recieved my little message.Instead their is a message from the bunko squad saying that since this is my first message(which by the way was my very first attempt to send anyone a message my poodlemad compadre)I have to go through this channel and that and my message will not be seen by you or the masses of literary starved homosapiens.So am sending this message to say that hopefully a day will come when I ******** ******* the third will be able to forward my saved message to you.I am not really a third or a master thesbien like you surely assummed. yours truly redman.

If you communicate no other thing to me, I must know what a poodle hot wax seal is! I'm assuming it is the imprint on the seal of a letter. I love flea markets! Estate and garage sales too. I've all but given up the latter because of time. Any mishap involving a circular saw sends shivers down my spine - I hope you're OK. I am a hobbyist woodworker and will ocaisionally have a daydream-nightmare involving a table saw. The people around probably wonder why I turn dead white on occaision. Thanks for writing a good profile that gave me something to writeabout.------- Calvin

Marital Status: Never been down the aisleSeeking: Casual, Long Term RelationshipIf I was a car I’d be a: A red FerrariCelebrity I resemble: Mary Stuart Masterson

Favorite food: Steak Tar Tar

Do I want Children: Undecided

Her description:

I'm not your everyday girl. You probably haven't met anyone like me. I know I haven't! I'm a guy's girl because basically I'm fearless. I take on any challenge. I don't like to sit still, you could call me hyper! I've jumped out of planes, raced motorcycles and have my black belt in karate. Yeah, a REAL Charlie's Angel! But don't be intimidated I'm soft on the outside (some might say on the inside too!). Even though I used to work in a herpetarium (grew up in Texas) and had to handle some mean looking things I still like lacy lingerie, bubble baths and Almond Oil massages. Hope you do too! I've broken just about every bone in my body doing what I love to do from rock climbing to riding thoroughbreds to hang gliding. I like living life on my own terms and don't always play by the rules. I've gotten into a few scrapes but can always charm my way out! Rode a Harley topless in the rain down in the Keys, hiked Hawaiian volcanoes and bungee jumped off a cliff in Rio. If you are up for your own challenge I'd like to hear from you!

Her ideal mate would be:

Some men say that I am a challenge; I don’t put myself in that category at all. Basically, I’m looking for a guy to pick up the pieces of me when I come home broken. I can’t cook, (sorry!) but I would love it if you could. Maybe just some pasta or pancakes, tacos or tuna fish would be okay, because I usually don’t stop too long to eat. Maybe opposites will attract, maybe my guy can be the quiet shy type. At least not too shy enough to administer the aforementioned Almond Oil massages! But I do love to laugh, so please, please, please have a sense of humor. Even though I have been know to toss back a few, I don’t drink too much, so don’t you either. I have to be sharp, just to be me! Looks are not all that important to me, just be yourself and so will I, and let’s see what develops from there. Oh yeh, only an idiot answers an ad from me with just one line, or a "cut and pasted" response!

By far the most popular profile we created, this ad was read by nearly 15,000 people, and about 3000 of them posted a response. Windshear was our firstborn -- we started out with a bang -- a combination of Wonder Woman, Xena the Warrior, and the Bionic Woman. We wondered who would take the bait if we created an indefatigable, undefeatable super female. Would men be intimidated or look to her as the ultimate conquest? Judging from the responses, she appealed mostly to men who wanted to challenge her to some sort of sporting duel. (Many of them begged her not to ''break me.'') Though she's a grad student and executive manager, Windshear didn’t catch the attention of the intellectual crowd -- except, of course, one lawyer who compared himself to the snakes she used to handle. Oh, and then there's the bike racer who quotes Voltaire…

Responses

So I became a bit exhausted reading your profile but at least it was refreshingto hear your a sportswoman as against someone who worships the gym.I am not surewhether I want to arm wrestle you or hold your hand.By the way I can cook.hopeto hear from you. thomas

I've got a medic background, and I can cook all kinds of great pasta, and orpancakes.. I raced bikes for a few years, and i know when and what to eat, notto mention can give a great massage. Love the adventure, I know I can keep up, and if need be I'll patch you up,start an IV, and get you back on the horse, to get ya back home. Do ya do any winter sports? (like of course ya do, but which?) Check out my profile, and give a shout, we can get out and do something! Voltaire quotes; "You can learn more about a person in an hour of play, than from a year of conversation..I have off the last two weeks of Jan, so I'm open for anything.. Hope to hearfrom ya.. Greg;-]

but also - i have never done any of the things that you have - some i would try- some i would never - such as racing a motorcycle - or taking karate - but most of the other stuff sounds enticing - at least i'm with an expert

what i think we definatly have in common is your desire for a foot rub and a massage - and my never ending desire to pamper the woman i love -

so - you say looks are not important - if that's true - i really have to meet you no matter what - because you don't lie - i have never met anyone like you

and if its just to meet as new acquaintances - and maybe future friends - so be it - but in terms of romance - i joined because i am ready to settle down

for the last several years i have not dated - as i was focused pretty much exclusively on my work the last few years - and prior to that i was in a long-term fully committed relationship

i'm not much of a cook - but i can order in just fine and can have the table set nicely with some candles for you when you come in muddy and bleeding -

to the extent you find that my thoughts on life and love mirror yours - it would be at the very least - an eyeopening experience to meet Mrs Evil Knevil

hope to hear from you soon-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you stretch your horizons a bit and look West around the curve of the earth you might find what you want. I'm imagining rubbing almond oil into your skin, gently, searching for knotted muscles to massage, finding your sensitive places to touch with exquisite care. I'm on the move this winter, looking for a new place to alight. Write to me!

Marital Status: WidowedSeeking: Casual, Long Term RelationshipIf I was a car I’d be a: Mini-VanCelebrity I resemble: Albert Brooks

Favorite food: Something nutritious

Do I want Children: No

His description:

Yep I am a widower. With six kids to boot! I have been on my own for three and a half years. My wife met her untimely death in the garage trying to Vacuum up the water left by a midsummer’s thunderstorm. I told her to get the water out of the garage, and instead of choosing to use the Shop-Vac, she was electrocuted with the Electrolux. I feel a little responsible for her horrible death, because I feel as though I should have been the one cleaning up the mess, rather than drying off my new Harley. My therapist is helping me let go of the past and look towards a brighter future. I would love to find a woman to share it with.

His ideal mate would be:

As you can well imagine, I don’t have much time left over after working a full time job, fixing nutritious meals (I’m dead set against fast food) for my clan. I can’t remember the last time the dryer was completely empty and all of the laundry was put away. If you have at least two kids of your own, you’ll sympathize with the laundry part. I’m NOT looking for a mom for my kids. I can comfortably be both Ma and Pa to their needs. I’ve managed on my own for this long. What I am looking for is a companion for ME!

Women are comparatively wary when it comes to reading and answering ads. Of the several male profiles we posted, this one earned the most attention -- but it was read only by 200 people and received a mere 30 responses, much less than any of our female profiles. Most of the women who wrote to Sixkidsdad sympathized with the challenge of being a single parent and offered to take him out on the town. No one seemed to be bothered by the fact that he blamed his wife for her own death (because she used the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner). The respondents included a wide range of women, from an everyday housewife to a pre-law student 20 years younger than Sixkidsdad. The most interesting thing about the women who responded to this ad (and some of our other ads) is that they don’t seem to stick around the dating sites for a long time; usually when we check to see if their profiles are active in two-to-three months they've vanished into that big dating vacuum -- presumably without an electrical or romantic shock.

Responses

Hi, your headline got my attention and then after reading your profile my gosh its so sad and I am so sorry to hear your sad story. You are a brave and sensitive man raising six kids and my sympathy is with you. If you would like to respond please do.

I don't know what your semester looks like, but you sound like a guy who needs a vacation, or at least someone to talk to/email with! I'm a teacher, too, although I don't think my profile is quite yet out there.

I've spent the last few years wishing I could turn back the clock to one moment and change one decision that nearly had the same outcome for my husband. He survived, but the event ultiimately ended my marriage. It isn't on the same level as yours, but I do know what you're going through.

That you have so many children around to remind you that, in some ways, she's not really gone is reassuring. And I promise, the rolling over in the middle of the night and still thinking she is there will stop eventually. My suggestion is to not put it behind you, but to cast the blame away somewhere so that you are only left with positive memories. She would not want you to cloud what you need to preserve for your children and for your sould with blame or guilt or anger over her choice.

Eventually, the pain subsides, and you are left only with the warmth of those good memories, like a warm blanket on a cold day. I promise.

I wrote this last part in case you don't write back, but I hope you do, even if only to have a friend who understands.

Marital Status: Never walked down the aisleSeeking: Casual, Short term relationshipIf I was a car I’d be a: 1955 CorvetteCelebrity I resemble: Andie McDowell

Favorite food: Something quick- I’m a busy woman!

Do I want Children: NO!

Her description:

HI! I hate to judge people by their career. Let me start with that comment, and then tell you what I do to pay the bills. I’m a MALE impersonator. I do Jerry Seinfeld, Tom Cruise (in Top Gun and Days Of Thunder), George Carlin, Adam Sandler (in Happy Gilmore), Don Rickles (remember him- most people don’t!), Jack Tripper from "Three's Company," and the King himself, Elvis. You should see me dressed in my sequined jumpsuit and glue-on pork chop sideburns; belting out “Heartbreak Hotel.” I could pass for a busty King! Sometimes if I’m on a roll, I’ll slip in Redd Fox and Andy Griffith. When I can’t get any impersonator gigs, I get by with my stand up act. I make enough to support myself and eat if you have a burning desire to know (plus I own a house!) I was born in Moscow (my birthday is Feb. 14, so I might be Cupid’s sister) to Russian parents (DUH!), though I don’t consider myself Russian, as I moved to the US when I was only 2 years old. I don’t even know my native language! I love living in New York, because of the traffic. I’m kidding.

Her ideal mate would be:

If the above intrigued you, answer back. But if you were thinking “This broad is nuts,” then click above and below to get the perfect girl to right your canoe. I’m crazy funny, and fun to be around. I’ll keep you in stitches and I can’t even sew! I’m looking for a guy to light up my life because I have so many broken lamps that need fixing. Like I said, money means nothing to me so don’t try to impress me with your Porsche. Ideally, you would be as zany as I am and we could pull pranks that 12 year olds would be proud of! If you think that I look young for my age you’d be right! I haven’t any runny nosed kids dragging me down, although I wouldn’t care if my man had kids from a previous encounter. I’m warning you----- please don’t insult my intelligence with a one line reply—only guys that know how to spin a yarn get the map to where this princess is sleeping!

Holy identity crisis! Why would red-blooded American guys go for a woman who spends most of her life pretending to be a man? The answer is not quite clear, though it's safe to say that gals like ComediAnne require a refined taste -- only 60 guys responded to this ad, which was read by nearly 7000 men. (This was by far our worst ratio of readers to respondents.) Out of those who did respond, several were jokers with their own gags. Judging by the quality of their laugh lines, these guys may need to seek a mate who doesn't have a sense of humor.

Responses

You seem very attractive and the type of person i would like to meet. You know i thought up a joke the other day. I said to myself this would be good for a stand up joke but if i tried stand up i would only have one joke.So who could i get to use this one- Then i saw your ad. Well that is not the only reason i am writting you. You seem very interesting. I like people that are creative and independent. See if you think you can use this-You might have to spice it up at bit with your charm.---

"I was in my office the other day and thought- wow it is quiet in here so I thought it would be nice to have some music and so i dialed the electric company on speaker phone and of course they put me on hold for half the afternoon with some cool tunes! Problem solved"

I think it would sound better if told rather than in an e-mail. If you might be interested in me i can send you a picture. lol

I mean it's not like I've been looking for you or anything like that. Really,I swear. I've only been doing stand up for a couple o years but I'll be atStand Up NY, this Sat at 5 for a contest. I know contests are kind of MichaelRodent, I mean Mickey Mouse but I don't live in NY yet. But I've visited there to know its energy is altogether addictive. In fact I'm in a twelve step group called NY Wannabe's Anonymous. I went to a meeting and stood up and said, "Hi, my is Steve and I'm a Wannabe New Yorker. And everybody said, "You? Hah!" I just wrote that so it's a little rough but I like the concept. What do you think? By the way, I remember Don Rickles on The Dean Martin Show. Actually I'm not really that old. I just bought these dentures so I wouldn't have to floss. I'm tired but skip this round of the contest, I'll be in Manhattan soon, Let's hang out, in priviet. Later Dude... Steve… PS Comedienne is spelled with 2 Es but I have no clue with the Cyrillic Alphabet.

We absolutely must get together...this will be the greatest match since Laurel and Hardy(ok, I'll be Hardy). I absolutely think what you do is wild! Bonus points.....I don't own or want any VW products!

I really think we could have a blast...give it a try..what could you loose..your sanity??

Hello Funny Cross Impersonator- truly one of the most stupifyingly brilliant narratives since - well since the advent of online dating. I was not there to see it but I'm certain it was -momentous.

FYI - you were on a page postioned just above a woman from Russia who both spoke and cooked in that manner. A perfect juxtaposition I'm sure.

I've got to know- if we were to meet - could I come to see your show- come what may? It sounds entirely appealing.

I'm sending my true profile, only somewhat abridged, and have an excellent photo that I would be delighted to bring along to a first meeting. Will also bring a functioning and occasionally funny brain.

OK, OK... so I still get to be the guy... right? This is kind of like a train wreck, or a karate movie in slow motion. I just can't help myself.

The first one is free:

So you all know about Yahoo... right? Do you know what they call it in Switzerland? Yodel! No really, that's what they call it. Do you know what they call it in Texas? Yeehaw!

So look over here to the left... down a little.. a little more... there I am.I'm from Texas...

Lucky me! I know for a fact that there is an airport within 100 miles of where you live. So when you think about it, it still hurts. Try not to think about it too much. In reality its probably our parents' fault. The same ones we blame our prosperity and freedom on.

The sign post up ahead... bling bling bling bling bling... its a train! I always wondered what a bling was... now I know. Was that one too many blings? I think so. Make it four.

Meeting you would fulfill my fantasy of dating a busty Elvis. And we are a match to the extent that I fit somewhere in your height requirement of three foot one inch to eight feet eleven inches.If I've sufficiently aroused your curiosity, I await your reply. ---Harmon

Marital Status: No answerSeeking: Casual, or Short term relationshipIf I was a car I’d be a: HearseCelebrity I resemble: Cher

Favorite food: No answer

Do I want Children: No answer

Her description:

I am what you may call unconventional. I was a Goth in high school and never heard the end of it from my parents. I am totally into dark art and religious iconry. That is not to say I am religious but I am pantheistic which finds God in all things. I have been called unique and wish to stay that way so please no “saviors” need respond. I am very well read on art and art history and am planning on being well traveled as soon as I can find the time to get my passport. You know that artist Christo who did all sorts of crazy things like “Wrapped Trees” and different colour storefronts as art; well I do stuff like that. My art reflects my passion for new perspectives on old ideas. Right now I am working on a project that some see as ludicrous yet it would be the first of its kind involving real human beings. Siamese twins are usually liberated from each other through medical procedure; I have found two lovers who are so devoted to each other that they want to be surgically joined. It will be a profound statement on the nature of love and totally original. I have applied for an artist’s grant and am waiting to hear back.

Her ideal mate would be:

I am bi and believe we all are but most have repressed our true nature. I don’t care what gender you end up being as long as you are real. You don’t follow the herd and they don’t follow you because you would be too weird for them. You must love galleries, college bookstores, performance houses, and theatre of the bizarre, cafes and the avant guard in all its cultural forms. You have to vote independent and be socially conscience. Your religion or spirituality, politics and sexual expression should mesh and represent you as a divine being, artist and citizen of a new world yet to be born. Bald, goatees, shaved body hair, hungry looking, body art, piercing, extremes of flat chested or huge-breasted, nail art – all cool in my microcosm. Smokers and experimenters OK. Want to hear from you so we can make art in our own image, but PLEASE be original in your response. ABSOLUTELY no one line responses will be even read!!!!!

Pretentious? Moi? We suspected that this Christo-loving overgrown teenager might scare away most love seekers. And, as it happens, the 200 responses to this ad (which was read by 2000 people) were mostly one-liners from guys who couldn't resist making a wisecrack. Meanwhile, the longer responses seem to prove once and for all that many people who answer online personal ads have only one purpose in mind… to tell another person more about themselves than anyone would want to know! Oddly, Goth Girl prides herself on being a paragon of unconventionality, but she received several replies from very conventional male jocks -- the kind of people she'd prefer to sacrifice on some sort of altar before she'd consider dating them. Because this was one of the most colorful ads that we posted, it garnered some replies that are equally as imaginative. Even one from another bisexual girl who just had to write to discuss the fine qualities of two male friends…

Responses

Hi ;well, I am impressed that there is a female version of me, albeit a bit youngerI wont hold it against myself that I didnt figure me out til I was like 28 but what the hell at least we arrived at the same place. Firstly, not that I am the great sexual god of all time although what ever I do I try to be as good as I can be, I wouldnt even think about dating a girl who wasnt bisexual because I believe what you believe , about everyones sexuality. It is a freedom of expression and individuality and my beef with most adults is they are all oppressed into believeing when you get older you have to stop living. My childhood, meant freedom to me, and I was afraid that when I grew up I would have to adhere to the wills and demands of society, but I quickly realized that I really didnt , and so I am very different from any other adult I have ever met, and it looks like you are gonna be one of those too. (): Welcome to my club. You have a magnificant way of wanting to express your freedom without the inhibitions so many people have . Your magnificant and I would love to be your friend even if I never kissed you, romanced you or lusted you, it would be a positive life experience. I as well would free you even more if thats possible.(: I do what I want, when I want, how I want and try not to interefere with anyoneelses space. Some people look at me as if I am weird because I love the same things now as when I was a wild teenager. I havent let society change my venue or taSTE. I love animals and music , and am very involved with both in many different unique sucessfull businessess all of which I created. I have a very fertile open mind and am eagerly ready to accept all. I love life and I take advantage of it every day. I hope you dont pass up the opportunity for us to at least talk a bit you will find me, at the very least , interesting. I passed on the object of looks as being important after I ended a 2 year relationship with a beautiful model, and although she was bruilliant and cool and down to earth, she could not let go of so many of those pre conceived notions about how to live her life. We are still good friends although she really hasnt realized fully that it can never be again , because she isnt really free minded like she likes to thin she is .You have inspired me that I can actually find a grown up that isnt messed up, by everyone elses willds and rules. God bless you, and dont ever ever change . your the evolution of mankind , or at least a preview.Lets chatAnthony

Wow, I'm practically speechless, having never read something so inappropriate, bold, yet awakening all at once. I hope you don't mind my saying so but besides all that you have said of which I have read you seem normal. Although your interests may diverge from the popular poles your photo galery defies any counterhuman strain. My ways and expressions aren't quite as off the wall (meaning that in the best way) as yours. I'm straight. I work my own business, love art, drawing, sketching, designing, splurging on LP's, following animal tracks in the snow. Check out my profile. It's not terribly mainstream, so you might be interested, either way please RSVP. I'm very interested in hearing more of what you have to say. Seriously and Sincerely, Wesley.

Ok, your definately different but than again so am I.You look really differentin all your pictures.Is that always you.You must be ever changing andevolving.I'm an artist ,too.I'm an actor.I do TV to make money.But I do otherthings ,too.Christo is cool.He works on a huge scale.Very fun stuff.Do you pant people-Imean there bodies- I like that stuff.You sound very interesting.Art is a greatplace for inspiration.So is sex.Your bi,huh.I admit,that is exciting.I can be pretty adventurous,too.I supposea hot goth like yourself knows a thing or two about Kink!Maybe you could put mein my place or maybe I'd could turn the tables on you.Why don't we get togetherand make some hot erotic art?OOPS! Did I get ahead of myself?Anyway you look great and definately not boring.So lets talk.Maybe we can goon some adventure soon.

I was very intrigued by what you said You probably got 100s of messages.I live in downtown Manhattan South of Wash Sq. Park. It would be great to get together for a drink with you.Somehow this email reminds me of whales each whale gives off their own particular sound and they hope another whale will hear it. OttoWhat did you do last weekend?

Greetings from northern CA. I know this is likely the most left field e-mail you will see on here, but I have a nice guy friend fromBenningtonCollege who lives in ScarsdaleNY. He may not be Goth, but I know he spent a few weeks working for Christo the year before he died (was the IslandProject I recall) My friend (Joe) was also on a dating service but I think he bagged his profile as I think he said there were too many players. I told him I would try to prove him wrong. Unfortunately, he does not have his profile showing but I did manage to download what he said as well as his pics. One thing, he is 41 but you would not know it just from being with him. As I am also bi, he can relate to it without being an asshole. (Do not tell me you have not yet received an offer for a three some)If you want me to tell you more, just say so. He is one of the rare catches you will find. And besides, he is a lot of fun.

Marital Status: Never walked down the aisleSeeking: Long term relationshipIf I was a car I’d be a: PorscheCelebrity I resemble: Rachael True

Favorite food: Waffles

Do I want Children: YES!

Her description:

Thanks for reading my profile. Words are very important to me; I’m a proofreader for a small southwestern NY phone book company. It’s amazing what kind of mistakes printers make, such as one instance where the words “Pootly Nautch” were substituted for “We’re open until 8PM” in a pizza restaurant yellow pages ad. I got into this line of work because I loved words as a little girl and I pasted all sorts of words all over my room. One of my heroes is Steven Vincent Benet, or his brother Billy Rose Benet. I must admit that the career I chose doesn’t pay very well; so to earn extra money I raise Bonsai trees in my basement. It’s amazing that you can stunt the growth of just about any tree by pruning them in the right spots. One of my best sellers is the Bonsai apple tree that bear fruit about the size of a green pea. Believe you me, it takes about 1,000 of these tiny balls to make a really good apple pie.

Her ideal mate would be:

I’m looking for someone to share my love for words, so no poor spellers please! Maybe someone that can help with my hobby of raising small trees for profit would be nice too. It’s a lot of work for one person to carry the seventy trees that are in my basement up to my backyard to get sun every other day, weather permitting. Yes, someday I do want children, and I realize that I will have to give up my fondness of horticulture to be a good mother. But I will never give up my love for words, so I hope that the perfect man will understand. Also please know what ‘garaticulating’ means.

This enterprising Wordsmith received a higher percentage of sympathetic responses than any of our other profiles – out of 3000 people who read the ad, 500 responded. Apparently, guys take pity on the quiet shy, brainiac type, or maybe they think she's so readily available that she'll overlook their own flaws. We wondered if anyone would realize how unlikely it is to grow apples on bonsai trees -- but that didn't seem to be a problem. Maybe Wordsmith is just so downright earnest that her suitors felt foolish calling her on it. They did, however, fall into one trap we set for them. ‘Garaticulating’ is a made-up word inserted into the profile to drive the sincere guys crazy as they searched for it in their Webster's…

Responses

Greetings from VermontMap unchecked for the distanceRisking a hello

OK, so I like haiku... I also do some writing on the side. I enjoy writingfiery letters to the editor, and have been published locally four times since Imoved here in 2001. I also have some essays up on line! :) And I was 40,000words into the "great american (vampire) novel" when I realized it needed to becompletely redone! *sob*

People say relationships are hard work, but I didn't know they meant hauling 70 trees up and down every other day. It's a unique interpretation. Anyway. I honestly have no idea whether we'd be right for each other or not, but you sound interesting. Plus, I can't find "garaticulating" in either the Webster's New World, American Heritage or Google. So even if you're not interested, maybe you could satisfy my curiosity. Is it horticulture related?Best wishes, in any event,

Words are important to me too. 2 other people and I are writing a book that should be coming out soon. And if all goes well it should be nearly as exciting as those phone books you've been proofreading. (It's an investment book that's kind of heavy on statistics.)

Hard for me to know much about you because some of your info isn't materializing on my screen. But from what I can tell you seem kind of wacky and fun and have some of the same aspirations I do. And you like cats.

Frenzied sprint to merriam-webster ..unabridged (no less), produced nothing, "nada," "zilch," "zippo," for "garaticulating." if you are correct and word gets out, the academy will be rocked to its very foundations (it's already teetering precariously). suffer[n][ing]; we (or at least this wordsmith) await clarification with bated breath (or "braided baths," depending on your point of view). as for your horticultural bent, better hysterical japanese loosing cries of "bonsai" instead of "banzai." here's to billy rose, and better yet, sj perelman.