I Am Out And Proud

Somebody asked me today, what is love to me? I think every ones definition of love is different; love is what you believe it is. To me it is accepting the pain that it will bring along. I fear it. And right now I am using this space as an outlet because I have decided that I will conquer it soon.

That night I came back. No one was at home. I removed the packet of cigarettes I had hidden inside my pillow cover. I sat naked and smoked like a chimney. The tears wouldn’t stop. As I smoked I burnt out the cigarette butt on my thighs, on my breasts and on my wrist. Only one emotion in my head that I hate my body and I don’t want anyone ever touching it again…

The first time I met her, she was a fascination, the most talked about girl around. She was bold and pretty, full bodied and beautiful. The fascination turned into curiosity when a rumor about her being a ‘lesbian’ reached my ears. As was expected, curiosity did not take too much time to turn into a crush.

Every time she walked by, somebody on my table would invariably end up talking about some guy who fancied her. I purposely never looked her way; I had a fear of my face making my feelings very transparent. And I hadn’t had my gayness figured out till then.

Strangely enough by a random turn of events, she landed at my door step to meet my roommate. They became good friends and she would come often. One fine day, my roommate wasn’t home and suddenly I was the center of attention. We decided on taking a walk, one of my favorite routes.

En route there was a small temple, there was a bench there. It was turning dark and you could see little lamps, it was quiet and calming. We decided to sit. She talked so much. She opened her entire life to me, boyfriends, sexual escapades but no mention of any woman so far. She asked me about my stories and I told her that there were none. I spoke about commitment, trust, honesty, love and what I thought they all were.

She kept coming home but somehow the focus slowly shifted to me. She began to grow into me too. One night she decided to stay back. We talked into the wee hours of the night. I touched her ears, caressed them, that being the furthest I had been with women. But this time, in response she pulled me close and began passionately kissing me. It felt like magic and we kissed for what felt like almost an hour. I pulled back, pushed her and said ‘This is wrong!’ She pulled me back again and continued kissing and making love. That was the most beautiful sexual experience of my life.

We continued meeting, we spoke to each other every day like two long lost lovers, and we kissed every opportunity we got. Every meeting was the same story. She became my girlfriend! My body started showing responses to her touch that I had never experienced. I was convinced I was in love. I walked unabashedly with love bites all around. My friends would remark and I would lie without a blink. I enjoyed the sting of the finger nails that had been dug into me the previous night. I had no language or words to describe what was going on. Words that didn’t feel like they degraded our relationship.

Some day someone saw us I guess. And then the rumors turned ugly.

We decided to stop meeting but it was impossible, we were so attached to each other. But the pressure started building.

One day I was sitting with some friends and she passed. Someone commented that she was dating a guy. I couldn’t eat after that. I had noticed her being close to him and something about my sixth sense always said there was more but I didn’t pay heed to it.

I asked her. She said ‘Yes, she was interested in him.” She felt the pressure of proving she was straight and normal. She became his girl friend. I asked her to break off from me but it wouldn’t happen, we kept meeting, my body would not work with my head.

She would come to me with bites from him. And every time I saw it, I died a little more inside. Was this what was needed to feel normal, to be accepted? She started dating many men, every time I tried breaking off from her completely, she said she loved me and I failed miserably.

She would pass and shit was talked. I lost my appetite; I started losing drastic amounts of weight. Every moment alone was spent with one tear after the other. I cursed myself. Why couldn’t I be strong enough to cut her off? What prevented me from getting out of a destructive relationship? I never had very close friends who understood so I took to smoking.

As expected, one day it got too much, I reached a breaking point. I told her to stop dating men at the same time if she loved me. The same day I saw her with a new bite. I went to the temple and as the lamps flickered, I cried till things didn’t seem coherent any more.

That night I came back. No one was at home. I removed the packet of cigarettes I had hidden inside my pillow cover. I sat naked and smoked like a chimney. The tears wouldn’t stop. As I smoked I burnt out the cigarette butt on my thighs, on my breasts and on my wrist. Only one emotion in my head that I hate my body and I don’t want anyone ever touching it again…

The next day I announced to whoever was important that I was gay and this is how I was and I didn’t care if I was accepted or not. I did not know a single gay person back then and I believed I was the only one. Yet this was my truth, I accepted myself. And in that moment, her magic left me, I felt liberated.

I left the city and with time I left her behind. My definitions of commitment, trust, honesty and love had changed. I went into therapy.

I met many lesbian identified women after that but even today I haven’t been able to bare myself like that again, to feel intense love again.

Many years later I am a happy person, I understand myself. I listen to my intuition. I am out and proud. And yes I love my body. I think I am cute. Yet I evade love.

Somebody asked me today, what is love to me? I think every ones definition of love is different; love is what you believe it is. To me it is accepting the pain that it will bring along. I fear it. And right now I am using this space as an outlet because I have decided that I will conquer it soon.

my luv story is quite similar with u but i never had any physical relationship with her.. She was my first friend in college and v became best friends after few weeks.. V had a big group in my college but she was special to me and vice versa.. I was never into boys in my entire lyf.. I used to lyk girls but did nt knw d meaning of lesbian untill college.. So me and my best friend used to hang out with our group initially but later on she used to ask me i dnt wana go wid al of dem i just want u and me.. I usd to say but they are our best friends.. And she used to say no u r my only best friend and v r very close.. I used to lyk her lyk anythng in d world and i could nt say no to her.. So v started spending tym wid each other.. V used to go to watch movies, go to walk on marine drive or juhu beach and spend sum quality tym 2gether.. Slowly i started realisin that i m in luv wid her..i used to feel difrent wen she used to hold my hand or kiss on my cheek or hug me i knew dis was nt d feeling i get wen my other female friends usd to do same thngs.. Ya i was madly in luv wid her.. And i used to feel sad wen she was sad.. I used to get jeolous wen she used to talk wid sum1else wen i was wid her.. I wantd her full intention.. And same was wid her.. She was very possesive about me.. V used to feel d same for each other.. But v did nt say that to each other.. There was mutual unde$tanding between us.. V did nt need tn say that v luv each other.. It was understood by both of us..But once i thought its wrong to be in luv wid the person wid same sex..so i started searching on net regarding lesbian world coz by that tym i knew about lesbian word.. But i was nt ready to acept that i m lesbian.. So i startd talkin less to my girl spendin less tym wid her and avoidin her in my final year of college.. She used to tel me why i m doin dis.. She said she want me and and want me to stay wid her my whole lyf.. Sie dnt want to loose me at any cost.. But i did nt feel it right.. So i just startd to stay away frm her.. I wantd her but did nt wana b wid her.. So v startd loosin conection wid each other bcoz of my strange behavior.. She got close to a boy in our group who used to lyk her a lot.. And d reasön of her being wid him was he gave her support wen i hurted her badly by avoidin her.. Soon they started seing each other and one fine day she tld me that she is getin married to him.. I felt so sad but i lost her due to my foollishnes.. I was so depressed.. That was d point wen i realised that i m lesbian and accepted the fact.. Now she is happy wid her hubby.. I met her recently after 7 long mnths of avoidin her.. It was gud meetin her.. V both moved on in our lyf.. i havent told my family and friends that i m gay .. But i m nt ashamed of it.. I m happy nw.. Meetin other lesbians.. Makin new friends.. For me luv is beyond everythng.. Its a feeling that u cant express in words.. U can just feel it..

Am happy that you shared your story here with me, yes first love is so difficult to comprehend. And honestly in my opinion, there is nothing right or wrong in the way we handle it. Unfortunately there is hardly any talk of homosexual relationships in positive light and one ends up feeling hurt and alone. I am glad that you accepted yourself, trust me, time can heal a lot 🙂 And yes I agree love is difficult to express.

I agree Sonal. One goes through a linear madness when in love and to bare all like that is very difficult. I wish I could do it again or someone could evoke that passion again. I do love but it doesn’t feel the same. That feeling of being totally alive is missing. I am happy but that happiness doesn’t fill me or the sadness doesn’t sweep my world anymore.
Very well written. 🙂

Moving post, and I empathize with the hurt of discovering that one’s partner has breached promises or assumptions of exclusivity. I do wonder, though: would the protagonist’s hurt have been any different had her partner been seeing other women?

The reason I ask it this – a lot of negative sentiment gets fuelled against bi people because of personal experiences such as this one. In my experience, though, it is as common that one is dumped or cheated on with a same-sex partner as with one of the other sex. And as hurtful.

Great question!
I think the hurt is the same. But if the partner sees other men, it is perceived differently, than if she sees other women.
Having said that, I still think that there are many many cases, in which a partner starts seeing other members of the opposite sex out of fear, which may have been the case here. Also, in this particular case, the partner kept telling Sonal how much she loved her, which of course leads one to believe that it was fear rather than love, for her cheating.
Bottom line – impossible to generalize.

Thanks for the response. Was reminded of this recent article in The Telegraph that wrote about some straight women in India seeking out gay men to marry. Some of the quotes that struck me:

“Another factor that prompts women to marry gay men is that they face no threat from other women. Adultery breaks marriages, and women who opt for gay men say that they are secure in their marriages because their husbands are not likely to leave them for another woman. Curiously, the fact that their gay husbands will or may have relationships with other men doesn’t worry the women. “I can accept my husband having sex with men but it would have been difficult for me if he’d sought out other women,” Basu says. Delhi-based photographer Naina Singh seconds that. “These days, one of the major reasons for divorce is extra-marital affairs,” says Singh, who saw the suffering of a few of her friends who had been two-timed by their husbands. “I find it easier to accept my husband’s affairs with other men than being cheated in a marriage,” says Singh, whose husband, Jitesh, is gay.” http://www.telegraphindia.com/1111204/jsp/7days/story_14835608.jsp

Very interesting article. Thanks for passing it along.
I wonder if these women who marry gay men have physical relations with their husbands. If yes, then the husbands are actually bisexual, not gay. If not, then that is no better than a marriage of convenience.
Either way, it is a very intriguing approach to dealing with adultery!

I wondered about that too, but it seems that sex is not part of the equation – these are MOC-like arrangements, as you pointed out. Nevertheless, its interesting that their conception of infidelity is gendered and excludes their husbands sleeping with men; and that these women are willing to trade off the need for physical intimacy against the need for more egalitarian relationships than they can expect with hetero men.

@kinsey3: Good point. It really is a very interesting subject!
What if these women are asexual! They just don’t care at all about “doing it”. They would rather prefer not to do it at all. And what better way to ensure that than to marry a gay guy! And of course it would come with the privileges of a marriage. 🙂

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Gaysi is a space where the Desi-Gay community comes together and shares personal stories, their triumphs and failures, their struggles and their dreams, their hopes and despair. And in doing so, gives other gaysis a sliver of hope too. More