Bat Mitzvah Gifts for My Daughter

Spanning three generations, I want to give you some very special gifts that are close to my heart.

The first moment I held you in my arms I looked into your huge blue eyes and inhaled the sweet, heady aroma that only newborn babies have. My first born. My daughter. You had tiny wisps of blond hair and arms that were forever reaching towards me. I dressed you up in the dozens of pink outfits that Grandma sent. I brought you with me everywhere. To shul. To my Masters program. To the gym. You taught me how to cross the bridge into motherhood gently with your dimpled smile and your sweet disposition. How truly blessed I was and am to have you as my firstborn child.

As you grew, I felt you watching me. From the toddler dress-up games you played in my shoes to the first grader who begged to help me cook. From the three-year-old who cradled dolls to the third grader who pushed her brother in his stroller. From the tiny whisperings of a four-year-old imitating my praying to the pure, authentic prayer of a sixth grader.

I've been wondering how to teach you to dance like a ballerina but fight like a tiger.

You have been watching me, and I have been watching you too. Trying to figure out how to teach you to be strong without giving up your sweet sensitivity. Wanting to show you how to be modest and ambitious at the same time. Wondering how to teach you to dance like a ballerina but fight like a tiger. How to make sure your every need is met without spoiling you. How to show you a happiness that doesn’t focus on “things” while still creating a home full of beauty and warmth. How to make you feel loved without feeling smothered.

This is the tightrope that we all walk as mothers. Trying to hide our flaws and give over our strengths. But there is no one who knows a mother as well as her daughter does. And that is why I trust that you know my failures and successes perhaps better than I do. But today on your bat mitzvah I want to give you some very special gifts that are close to my heart:

Your great grandmother grew up on the Lower East Side, following her own European bubby to shul each Shabbos. She drank in the last remains of Yiddish and the simple, fading faith of the shteibel. Your great grandmother fought for Shabbos in a generation that was focused on assimilating. She was the first woman in shul every Shabbos and Yom Tov, and she was the last woman to leave. With hair the color of fire and eyes the color of the sea, she was beautiful and elegant in her designer suits and lace white kerchief. But she knew how to fight when she needed to. She knew how to cry in front of her Shabbos candles and laugh a moment later when she gathered her grandchildren into her arms.

People always said that your great grandmother was tough. And she was. But she also had a heart of gold full of compassion for everyone around her. How she loved to play with you when you were a baby and carry you into shul like a diamond in her arms! I give to you on your bat mitzvah her love for Shabbos. Her passion for prayer. Her compassionate heart and her love of life. Her ability to laugh and to cry and to build. I give you her toughness too, so you know how to fight for what you believe in.

And now I want to give you another gift from your Grandma Joanie who buys you beautiful dresses and makes countless trips to Israel to be with you and your siblings. Many people don’t see beyond her title as a New York State Supreme Court Justice, but as her granddaughter you know the richness of her personality and the strengths behind her name.

Recently I watched Grandma on the bench during a case, and I was so proud of how she presided over the courtroom. With grace and honor. Like a true queen of our nation. And from the countless Shabbos dinners that she has hosted over the years, inviting people into her home who had never even heard of Shabbos before, you can see her warmth and her generosity. From her hundreds of friends you can glimpse her charisma and from her devotion to her children and grandchildren you can feel the power of her love. So on your bat mitzvah I give you her honor and grace. Her warmth and generosity. Her charisma, her devotion and her love.

And finally I give you my own gifts. The courage that it took for me to leave America when we made aliyah. The yearning that I have for prayer. The love that I have for the Jewish people. The ambition that I have to bring light to the world.

This week when we celebrate your bat mitzvah I bring you to the sunrise minyan of Rav and Rebbetzin Kanievsky. We leave at 5am for Bnei Brak. The last stars are fading as we enter the women’s section. And we pray beside each other, mother and daughter, in a strange shul in an unfamiliar city. And I cry. I cry for all the blessings in my life. And for all the dreams too. I cry for you, who I love so very much and for all the years that flew by since I first held you in my arms.

After shul we make our way to the Rebbetzin. She hugs you and kisses you when I tell her that you are a bat mitzvah girl. She blesses you and inscribes a booklet on prayer for you. Her warmth and her smile carry us home like a mother’s embrace.

So I give that to you too on your bat mitzvah. The blessing of living in Israel and being near such holy, giving women of our nation.

But most of all I give you my love. May you light up the world the way that you light up my life.

Aish.com joins the Jewish world in mourning the sudden passing of Rebbetzin Kanievsky on October 15, 2011.

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About the Author

Sara Debbie Gutfreund received her BA in English from the University of Pennsylvania and her MA in Family Therapy from the University of North Texas. She has taught parenting classes and self-development seminars and provided adolescent counseling. She writes extensively for many online publications and in published anthologies of Jewish women's writing. She and her husband spent 14 wonderful years raising their five children in Israel, and now live in Blue Ridge Estates in Waterbury, Connecticut, where Sara Debbie enjoys skiing and running in her free time.

Visitor Comments: 6

So beautiful, so well-written, so true! May you have much naches ad 120!

(4)
Aunt Patty,
October 16, 2011 12:20 PM

May you go from strength to greater strength....

You come from a long lineage of strong Jewish women. May you always be strong and grow to be even a stronger loving Jewish woman.

(3)
Guy Sutton,
October 16, 2011 11:55 AM

Beauty is SO deep and wonderful......

May is start with a HUGE Mazal Tov!! Your story brings back a lot of beautiful memories of my mother whom passed 1 year after my Bar Mitzvah. She was just as you put it above, strong, Nerosurgeon, but like your mother, you would not see that part in her, you would see and feel my mom.... She adopted the entire neighborhood, with her love smiles and of course Latkas every weekend.... I just walked upstairs and pulled her picture off the gallery wall and brought it down, along with my fathers picture(also passed) and put them proudly on the piano of which they so loved to hear me play. Thank you for bringing these feelings back to the forefront of my thoughts. Shalom, Guy

(2)
Devorah,
October 9, 2011 10:50 PM

Really heartfelt & beautiful

Thank you for sharing this with us:) It's so important to know what treasures to pass onto our daughters.

(1)
aliza feuer,
October 9, 2011 3:21 PM

i really love it
since i know you so well i agree to every single word that dear mother writes mazal tov
lots of nachas

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...