ir(relevant)profoundities

What are you looking for?Tell me, do you know? Is it perfection? And tell me, when you reach perfection, what does it look like? I want to know, what it is you seek. Tell me what it looks like. Is there more than one form? What is it, hun?

Maybe it's not perfection you're looking for. Maybe it's validation. Maybe you want to scream answers at the accusations pounding ever over you. You want to tell those lies, 'I AM beautiful!', because you know you should. Because you want to believe it. But the mirror does not lie.

- Or does it?

How can the truth be lying back at you?Look at all those flaws, you think.I am not good enough.

That's right, hun, no, you're not. Does that make it easier? No. It makes the fight harder.

You'll never measure up, hun. The lies scream at you. The truth whispers at you. How can you ever be?

Truth is, you will never measure up. But it's got nothing to do with the mirror. Come, come for a walk with me, hun. Walk away.

While you are standing there, looking in that is all you see. Have you even seen the colours around you? Have you smellt the freshness of the air? Probably not. You are consumed by that mirror.

It's not the mirror, you know, hun. The mirror has no control over you. It's You. Yeah. It's you.

Come with me, hun. Beautiful one. You scorn.

Come, let me show you. As we walk these fields of green and hear the whisper of the wind Let me tell to you a great tale Let me sing to you a dear song Come, let me tell you.

You are not good enough, hun.You are never good enough.You stare, angrily on. You think I sound like all the other voices. Yet do I?

Listen to that voice again, hun. You are never good enough. - But that is okay.

You don't understand. You don't need to. Come, let me show you.

I place into your hands something small, warm. It is moving. A tiny, innocent kitten. Yet is it innocent? It's birth has been the cause of it's mother's death. It is not GOOD enough.

Add to that, it has been damaged. One leg is malformed and it is far from perfect. It must die. Die because it is not good enough. Die because it has been the death of something. And it's in your hands. Kill it.

Kill it. You look at me in horror. Even in your own sorrows and pain you know right from wrong. .... You know right from wrong.

I see your mind thinking. The moment. The moment of truth.

Look down at your kitten, hun. Look down in wonder. In awe. Some shame. And in truth.

Truth that now you see the truth. The truth that is. The truth that, yes, you are not good enough. The truth that you deserve to die.

But then, hun, you look at me. I'm holding your hands with that kitten in them. And I'm looking into your eyes. And I'm showing you Who I Am. The truth.

Hold that kitten close, hun. As I do you. Fight for its life, hun. As I do yours.

Look into the eyes of that Mirror, hun. But when you do Hold that kitten close. Look at it, and remember. Remember WHO you are.

What a title, eh? But it's true. Let me explain. As some of you may know, nearly 3 years ago I had a very challenging near-death experience. It wasn't so much an experience as it was a time of dying. That's certainly near-death, and it's certainly an experience. It taught me a lot. At the time, I was going through a lot of things in my life and, to be honest, dying actually seemed like the easy way out. But it was after I made the decision to live and fight this thing (my illness) that I realised quite a few things about this life that we live in. It's taken me the last few years to really come to terms with that. But hey, do we ever truly grasp what death is, even when we get that close to it? Answer is, not really. And on the flipside, to we truly grasp what life is? Because that is the one more important. I'll share with you some things I've learnt about both. . Death happens yeah? Death is what affects all of us, sooner or later. There's no reason to fear it - if you're right with God, and you know where you're going. . But in the same sense, death is not a way out or just an escape from the problems of life. Desiring death to end difficulty - that's actually giving into fear, not avoiding it. (Dunno about you, but I don't want to live in fear and run away all the time.) . We must find peace with ourselves in this life. That's the most important thing we can do, short of finding peace with God. For how can we love others if we do not first love ourselves? And loving ourselves stems from acceptng ourselves - and Who we are. . It's not worth living in fear. Let me tell you, I've spent too long doing that. Fear sucks and you know what? When you actually get to it, it's nowhere near as big or scary as it makes itself out to be. It's a noisy Chihuahua with Big Dog Syndrome. True story. Try standing up to it sometime - you'll see what I mean. . It is No accident that any of us are here, in the now, in the families we were born in. I used to wonder why I was born when I was born... lalala. Thing is, God knows. And every day of our lives - every DAY! - was written in His book before it happened. So trust Him with it! . Peace. Peace is completely underrated. Seek peace in this life. And we all know who the author of peace is. Get to know Him. . On that note, Yes! Get to know Him. He knows you. He loves you. And He's the reason you're alive. But seriously, don't live in fear anymore - let your creator woo you and fall in love with the One Who Gave You Life. . You will never get today again. Once it's gone, it's gone. A vapour. Treasure it, hey? . Keep short accounts. What if I had died on one of those days and it was after an argument with my mum and we hadn't made up? (We did actually argue a lot during that time..) Seriously, though. Regret is a terrible thing. It's not worth being right in an argument to miss out on forgiveness. Can't state that enough. . Lighten up! Life is not all about careers and getting things. Heck, we all need money to live, yes. But what if, instead of living to earn money, our money simply helped us to live. To be. To exist and find out what actually means something in life. . Don't waste your life. Again, regret is a terrible thing. Why is it that people only do all the things they wanted to on death row? Don't wait till it gets that late! . People, people, people. Stop, and take a look around you. I don't care how cynical you are, there is someone around you who you love dearly and/or who loves you. Stop being so selfish and realise that life is about giving, sharing, caring and loving. . Do something that counts. It doesn't have to be donating a million dollars. Pick it up a feather and give it to a child. Buy your friend an ice-cream. It's the thought that counts. . Love. Love is a choice. Love HURTS. But you know what, without it we are screwed. Love, my dears, is all about sacrifice. And you know what? 2,000 years ago, God sacrificed His Most precious and ONLY Son because of Love. So when you think it costs too much, think of that. . Have fun. I've learnt that we take things way to seriously. Don't let waiting in lines bother you. Don't let rain bother you. Heck, dance in the rain! It's not about 'positive attitude', it's about choosing to be joyful regardless. . Be thankful. There's SO much that we have, even though we only see what we don't. I remember waking up one day and bawling because I realised I have two beautiful baby sisters (not to mention the other two big girls) and that I could have missed them growing up. I am thankful I didn't. My neice, too. . Share your story. Your voice is unique, and it's not drowned in amongst the millions of others. You know what? What you have to say may seem insignificant but it may save someone's life. You just don't know. But don't minimalise your experiences, your journey, your perspective. . Worship God. What is worship? True worship is giving up your wants and desires to His wants and desires (because they are waaaaay better - Jer 29). Love the One who first Loved you. . Choose to see good in people. No matter how bad your day was. No matter who just stepped on your toe - deliberately. Forgive. It's not worth holding onto. . Hug more people. That's a given, but seriously. Humans were made to express love in many ways. Hugs rule. . Be okay with not being okay. We're all human, we're all sinners, and we all sin. It's okay to be hurt, to be broken, to be needy, to be sick. God is bigger and He takes us all up into His arms - but He can't if we won't let Him. Stop hiding being your mask and let Him in. . Choose to be vulnerable. I wrapped my broken heart up in so many defenses and wouldn't let people close - to protect myself. But you know who got hurt out of it? ME. I missed out on friendships, healing and more - because of fear. Don't let it hold you back. Yes, you may get hurt. But know what? There's a Healer who wants to live inside of you. And, most importantly, remember: . Life is precious. I can never state that enough. There's nothing like nearly dying to shake some sense into a person. So think about it. What's really important? I've been asking God that for a while. I've also been asking Him why He kept me alive, when I could have gone to heaven to be with Him. You know what He showed me?Stop being so selfish, Anna. This life is about more than just you. Maybe you're here to save someone's life. You just don't know. But I do. Trust.

Since my bout of very severe illness 6 weeks ago, a lot has changed for me. I have finally come to the realisation that I want healing. I have been freed from suppression and begun to feel. And I have finally taken steps towards health.

For the previous 18 months I thought that's what I was doing - getting better, trying to heal my body. But it's taken 18 months of never fully being well to realise I was still sick - and, scarily, getting worse. It took me wanting to be healed to change that - and to dive into - or, rather, follow God blindly into the river of destiny.

As it was for me before, so it is now - I live on a day-to-day, meal-by-meal basis of listening to God. It's actually what helped me to really know the voice of God. When it was a matter of life or death for my body (in many things) and the only thing that saved me was to follow, to listen, to obey that voice. That's just how it is for me.

I can't explain it, but when I talk about things God's been showing me - it's because He has, and if He wasn't, I'd still be swimming (drowning?) in my own mess. The only reason I'm alive is because I learnt to listen. So, by God's close guidance these past weeks, I have begun to make some headway. To begin with, it was survival mode - just after I came out of hospital a few weeks ago, my vomiting was so severe all I could eat were sultanas. That day, and for that day, God showed me what to eat. And each day since then, He's shown me what to eat. Since then, my food has changed. Daily. Meal-by-meal. But we are getting somewhere. Before I decided I wanted more healing than living wigth allergies, I survived on a diet of rice, chickpeas, legumes, meat, and a bit of fruit. It didn't make me vomit but I still got cramps, terible immovable pain and bellyaches, gas, bloating... etc. This made me generally very unwell - especially when I had random vomiting fits scattered throughout my days, which left me unable to move of the floor. (Not caused by food, but they still happened).It's like this puzzle.I thought I had completed the puzzle when I began to work out what foods I was allergic too 18 months ago. I thought I had it worked out and on the way to health - but obviously, no, I was not. I was not getting better, nor was I likely too. But this puzzle which God is piecing together in front of me is where I am at now. It's challenging, exhausting, and amazing all at once. And most of these puzzle pieces have fallen into place in less than two weeks. I know it is God and He is guding me, step by step. Actually, He's teaching me to walk again. - (There's more to this story, but it needs it's own topic.)

Puzzle Piece #1: - GlutenIt's taken me a little while to realise, but after doing lots of research and listening to some very helpful Doctors, I am pretty sure I have Celiac Disease. My doctor refused to give me a test but unfortunately, unless you are nearly dead, the tests are innacurrate and do not diagnose the disease until it is in it's very late stages - I.e. - cancerous. But for me, the symptoms I get from gluten is evidence enough. The other thing I have discovered about gluten is the connection between gluten and immune problems. I've always had allergies - asthma, skin, ecezema, and now these food allergies - and my doctors have spent the last 2 years looking for an autoimmune condition behind all my symptoms, but finding none. But I've recently discovered that there is a huge link between gluten and immune conditions, and that gluten actually causes autoimmune diseases. That was an incredible discovery. That's why it's puzzle piece #`1. Gluten actually attacks your body and causes your body to attack itself.This causes a number of susceptibilities in the body and weakens the immune system, opening up your body to attack by viruses, bacteria and parasites. It also wears down the lining of the gut, causing inflammation and preventing the absorption of nutrients - causing severe deficiencies like what I've had all my life. The good news is, that by eliminating gluten, the immune response can be reversed and the body can begin to heal itself. In my case, gluten not only does all this but causes a severe instant vomiting reaction - where, if I even come into contact with bread crumbs, I spend all day vomiting. For me that's enough of a reason to avoid it. Oh - and just a worthwhile note on Oats. I lived on oats as a staple up until 3 months ago. Even gluten free ones are not gluten free. Oats act in the same way as gluten in the body. Bad news.

Puzzle Piece #2: - MineralsThen it was minerals. I didn't know much about them until my sister began selling them as a business. (I live with my sister, so I kinda don't get to avoid hearing about them.) What interested me were the lectures by the doctors about Celiac disease, gluten, and autoimmune conditions. That was a huge revelation. But then this particular mineral company has a founding doctor who was a vet - and went on to discover that 900 diseases of animals were all curable if the animals had the right minerals. That's pretty incredible. He then became a doctor for people and began a crusade to cure and prevent diseases in humans, too. His belief is that when you give the body the raw materials it needs, it can begin to heal itself. I've started taking some minerals and have noticed a remarkable difference - even my skin's chronic sores are beginning to heal. Wow.

Puzzle Piece #3: - Paleo

This one is probably the biggest puzzle piece of all. The question of what to eat. This is a big deal for me because it's a matter of life or death. Sounds serious, but I'm not kidding, it is. What I eat determines whether I vomit lots or actually get well, whether I get bellyaches, cramps, or simply get malnourished.A long time ago I stopped eating store-bought food because it all had something in it that I was allergic to. (Did you know how much added stuff is in shop bought processed foods? Even deli meat has added sugar, yeast, corn and... gluten.) A high-carb diet like I had over the past two years (lentils, rice, etc) sort of wasn't an option for me now because I had developed a very severe bad bacterial overgrowth in my gut and the carbs were only feeding it. Things that I had lived on before - rice, chickpeas, lentils, sultanas - were making me very, very ill every time I ate. I got to the point where I just didn't want to eat at all. And then, in the last 4 weeks, God led me to another puzzle piece. It's called PALEO. That's short for Paleolithic and it's a diet based around what man supposedly ate in the paleolithic era. Wait... what?! I know. That's what I thought, too. It's a caveman diet that acknkowledges their existance, apart from anything, and, as a creation believing Christian, that's not up my alley. But God kept insisting I look it up. And the more I looked, the more surprised I became. For starters, the whole purpose of Paleo is not just to eat like a caveman did. It is actually centred around healing the gut, healing immune conditions by diet, and avoiding damaging and processed foods. That's pretty incredible given other diets like vegetarianism, and veganism are more ethical than anything. One of the things I've discovered lately is that 70% (!) of our immune system is in the gut. Screw that up, and the rest of you is in real trouble. My gut definitely needs healing. I know that. When it's so bad I can't eat anything without symptems, that's a sign things are real bad. So. There are a few things that Paleo promotes, and for various reasons. These are: Low carbohydrate diet. (Nope, it's not like the Atkins diet. It's actually quite relaxed about the amount of carbs, it just makes good fats the body's primary source of fuel instead of carbs. That's something God's been talking to me about lately, too. For that reason, Paleo is incredible for people with Diabetes, and many people on the diet have actually cured themselves of diabetes simply with dietary changes. Now that's impressive.) Grain-Free. (The reason for this is because grains, not just gluten-containing grains, act like gluten in the body and cause distress and distruction. ie. - bad, bad news. Surprisingly, rice, corn and oats do this to the body too - one reason that people eating 'gluten-free' cereals are still ill.) Psuedo-grain Free. (A Psuedo grain is not a true grain but acts very much like a grain in the body, again, the body sees it as gluten and starts an immune response. Psuedo grains include popular gluten-free alternatives such as Buckwheat, Millet, Quinoa, and Chia. High in good Fats. (Paleo promotes fat as a fuel, and especially promotes aminal and nut fat sources. This includes coconut, nuts and seeds, and some dairy products (depending on how strictly Paleo you are) including butter, cheese and cream.) Lots of fruits and vegetables, Nutrient-dense food. (That speaks for itself, really.) Carbs are not cut out entirely and feature regularly alongside protein and fats. * A note on Dairy. Dairy is considered not Paleo simply because it was thought that the early Paleo man didn't own livestock to milk. As far as I am concerned, that's not a good enough reason for me, and God has shown me to eat dairy, so I will. I looked into the health benefits versus the cons and an eating only good spurces of fats such as cream, butter and cheese - and avoiding sugar spiking dsairy such as milk. So that's Paleo. The more I look into it, the more I discover that, wow, this is actually a very wise way to live for people with impared guts. A healing way. I know now I am on the road to somewhere, instead of aimlessly wandering around. The road to gut healing. And, finally, after all that waffle, you may want to know why I am so excited about it?Because it's working.Since I started eating that way 3 weeks ago, my symptoms, while still there, have been greatly reduced. Now that speaks for itself and speaks wonders to me.

I guess one of the most fascinating and loving ways that God works is in how He enables us to find healing.I know, that sounds simple and not a big deal, but the truth is healing isn't always easy to come by.What do I mean by that?Well, an easy explanation is to simply look around yourself and see how many hurt and broken people there are out there.If healing was so easy, wouldn't they all be free?But, with everything, there's more than one side to the story.

Something I have been discovering is that sometimes, in order to heal properly, we have to hurt too. I know that probably doesn't make sense. But in the same way as iuf you had a gaping wound and it needed cleaning out with saline (is pain)so is gaining healing similar.Sometimes we have to face the pain of our past, no matter how great, in order to find healing - and freedom.

Sometimes it costs us more than we think we can bear.And, like I discovered, sometimes the fear of pain is worse than the pain itself.

Yet God doesn't want us to live in pain or fear.

He promises a freedom from this beyond our wildest imaginations. Yet we have to be willing to face our fears.To clean up old wounds in order to be made whole.And to remember that we don't have to do it alone, or in our own strength.That is a true key to healing.

Today's been an interesting day.I've been doing lots of praying, thinking, and talking to God.

I knew when I posted that blog post yesterday that it would be an interesting response. That interesting probably isn't the right word.That's not really why I posted it. It was more because God told me to.

I had/have some other, pretty intense posts ready to put up here that I already wrote, as led by the Holy Spirit.I thought they would be up next.But today's ponderings have shown me something different.

Something perhaps I didn't see.

That is to say, the whole story.

You see, for all the people out there that are reading, just reading about my physical stuff, it may seem like that's all I've been struggling with.But it's not.I spent all of today realising that this is so much more than just the beginnings of my physical healing journey.So much more.I also spent all today in deep contemplation with God, revisiting some of my past journey and coming to a place of thankfullness for all that has occured.I think one thing that has changed predominantly in me has been the way that I feel about myself.It took me becoming deathly ill to realise I wanted to die, wanting to die to realise I hated myself, hating myself to realise that wasn't how God felt... And on and on it goes.Until I finally got to a place within me, sort of like I have now with food/physical healing, where I wanted it to change.Where I couldn't stand it any longer.Yeah.Yet how many of us live in rejection, fear, self-hatred - as I did?I know. It happened to me.It's how I spent my entire life - up until 12 months ago.And I guess it's just as important to share with you all that journey, too. That journey of finding myself - not in the world's sense of that statement, but in God's.To no longer feel like I don't belong on this earth.To no longer feel like I don't have a destiny, a purpose.Yeah.It's taken me most of this year for God to radically change how I feel about myself.He's taken me from self-hatred to true self-love.And how? By touching me, by changing my heart, by destroying the lies of the enemy piece by gnarled piece.

But I still had to choose.

I'm not sure what it's going to look like.I'm not even sure really where to begin. But I'm going to share that story along with my food struggles.I also didn't realise just how big this was going to be.But WOW, God is doing something here.And this - the healing I cried out for for so long - this is part of the story too.

You can't feel the truth of pain until you've experienced it.Loss - of any kind - can only truly be empathised with when it has been your own.

I've debated writing this post for a while.In my head, this to-ing and fro-ing.Yet I know I need to get it out; I know my voice needs to be heard.Why? That I don't know. I just know it does.My biggest thing is that I try so hard not to feel sorry for myself.Why? I don't know. I just do.So I stuff it all down, away, to pretend, pretend, that my world is okay.Don't get me wrong - this time it's not falling apart - but okay isn't really the right word. If you are brave, read on. If not...the choice is yours.My recently.It's been tough. Very tough.Why?

I feel like I've done a complete circle in my world. The last month has been epic-ly life-changing in both good and bad ways.The truth is, the last 18 months have been hard. Oh, I've tolerated them - tolerated the ridiculously restricted diet (dairy-free, gluten-free, low-fat, low-salycilate, egg-free, seafood-free) - pretty much every allergen, and I was allergic to it. I tolerated the daily vomiting, the nausea, cramps, bloating, pain - I tolerated it all and pressed on - because that's what we are supposed to do, right?Press on? Ignore the pain?Well, perhaps.So I did. I pressed on.Until, 2 years since my original hospital trip, I couldn't 'press on' anymore.Imagine 2 years of vomiting daily (hourly, some days), near-startvation, hospital trips that turned into week-long visits, constant pain and discomfort, severe bloating, cramps, tiredness, feeling dizzy all the time, nausea, - even fainting or collapsing occassionally. And that's just the physical stuff. I can't even say what it does to your head to be staring down a toilet day in, day out, hour after hour.But.Imagine all that without feeling.Without feeling anything.I know. It's crazy.But that's me.My whole life I've supressed my emotions until it became a learned art (why I don't know, I think it's a self-protection thing).So, it's no surprise that I spent the last 2 years doing that. It's wierd.It's like not letting yourself feel pain.Like putting on a brave face (but for who?) and pressing on.Even if it near kills you.But I keep getting to the place where I can't press on anymore.It took God showing me in many ways and through many people, that, "Hey, I don't want you to live like this anymore. I've got more for you than this."

It took me getting fed up enough to want it to change. Yeah. That. (Unfortunately that is the way of mankind, staying where we know we are safe - even if it's not the best place we can be.)And then, my feelings - all normal things - broke through the walls I had pushed them behind.Wow. I didn't know how many things made me cry.It was like God released something within me and enabled me to feel. And that's when it really began.I've cried so many tears this month.Tears of joy, tears of pain, tears of grief.

For the first time ever, I've been able to grieve.Grieve what should have been, what was - in many different areas of my life.And it is beautiful.

God's been showing me that it's okay to hurt.That it doesn't make you a weak person to feel.But that, when I'm done hurting, I can give it to God and He takes away the pain.Makes all things new.

I think part of my 'feeling again', or, the hurting stage, is that it's time for me to share with people. To share the unseen, the unknown side of my life and the apparently insignificant daily battles. To tell people how I really am, to show what it is they never see. Perhaps they don't want to know - perhaps they do. It doesn't really matter to me anymore.It's time to be, to feel, to hurt.And to not be afraid if the world can't handle that.Too bad if that's so - my God can.It's time to share.To show you all that the life of one person, albeit similar to thousands of others, is still different and still matters. Not because I am looking for empathy but because I need to feel.And part of that feeling is to let it out.