Preamble Welcome to the alternative (sic) guide to the Budget. They say that sport and politics don't mix, and I fully intend to prove that over the next two hours. I work in sport, you see, the sort of putrid, infantile, cocooned, misanthropic world in which the name Sean Hickey (currently rambling something entirely incomprehensible on my television screen) still engenders a snigger. My knowledge of politics extends to a couple of viewings of Alexander Payne's Election (which was overrated anyway), and I was always the worst in my class at Sim City. For what you are about to endure, I apologise.

I have, at least, done some preparation, albeit maniacally scanning today's paper while sat on the toilet in GU towers. As you can imagine, it's a massive, pristine convenience: brilliant gold taps, virginal white marble, a seat carved from ebony, a cistern full of Chanel No5, and a flunky handing me pieces of raw silk toilet roll. But I still came out knowing less than I went in.

Amusingly enough, to no-one except me admittedly but I see no reason why that should stop me pressing on, someone accused me of being a "vaguely amusing failed political correspondent" during a cricket over-by-over report earlier this year. Well, sir, I think today's proves quite emphatically that you were wrong on both counts

12.34pm Gordon Brown says Britain is in the longest period of sustained growth since records began in 1701. And yes I read that.

12.36pm An early football reference: something about Arsenal going a mere 49 games unbeaten and this being the 50th budget of continued growth or some such. Expect later references to why tax on booze is like Geoff Thomas's England career - impossible to justify, whichever way you look at it - or something.

12.45pm "Britain's economic destiny cannot be founded on a low-scale economy," says Brown, which is profound stuff and I could barely agree more. He looks dapper, too: nice blood-red tie, and a crisp side-parting that could catch on in Hoxton if only it appeared in Nathan Barley. Meanwhile, the TVs surrounding me all have different budget channels on; the various echos may well send me may well send me doolally before long doolally before long.

12.53pm It's hardly possible to empathise: putting yourself up in front of your peers, your every word sniffed and sneered at, your attire ruthlessly scrutinised, every stutter seized upon and ridiculed. But enough about my woes - boom, boom, honk - Gordon Brown looks calm enough, even if he is occasionally draping his hands over his notes like Dracula around the nearest neck.

12.56pm Here comes the bit about tax...they're all frozen, by the sounds of it.

12.57pm 1p on beer, 4p on wine, 7p on fags, and as my colleague Paul Doyle points out, John Prescott, fiddling with his cuffs, is looking spectacularly, comically bored.

1pm "Peter Hain is officially Tangoman," opines Martin Williamson. "He has a permatan ... proof that too much sun causes you to spout utter *******". I know who Tangoman is - I loved those ads, the ones with football's Ray Wilkins - but Peter Hain? Is he in politics?

1.03 pm The threhsold for stamp duty is now £120,000, which apparently is good news for me although I wouldn't have a clue as I work in sport. "Isn't it about now you start shouting about taxing the rich?" asks Tim Simmonds. With a surname like mine, do you really think I want the rich taxed? (Answer: yes, as it's Irish and you'll hopefully note the distinct lack of an 'e' in Smyth.)

1.04 pm If sport is one big excuse for a silly little boy's club, then the budget is an excuse for sport: first Arsenal, now Brown's going about the Olympics.

1.15 pm The tax exemption on ISAs - they're for responsible, grown-up people, sports fans - has been extended to 2010, by which time I'll be 34. Also, £9.4bn will be spent on primary schools by 2008, and I'm boring myself.

"Thanks for providing me with a report of today's budget that I can understand, and that will also keep me entertained," says Lorraine Smith, lying in the vain hope that flattery will get her, if not everywhere, then at last a supporting role in this farrago. " As U2 would say, it's 'even better than the real thing'. This should while away the afternoon. How long do budget speeches go on for, anyway?" In the words of David Brent: too long, baby. "Also, thanks for proving to me that all those people who ask if I spell my name with a 'y' or an 'i' are not in fact taking the pith."

1.16 pm There will be new incentives to stop avoidance of capital gains tax or something. Me? I'd like a ban on sports journalists beginning picture captions where the picture shows some nets that begin: "Net gains: Arsenal hope to blah blah blah". Sickeningly inane, and a banker for Room 101.

"He's just said that he will be paying pupils to ' rent computers for the home' which will please my seven-year old enormously as it is his only hope of getting a handheld PSP plus Grand Theft Auto San Andreas

1.17pm Gordy brings the house down - free bus travel for pensioners!

1.18 pm "How would you describe Gordo's performance in cricketing terms?" says Tom Priestley. "Has he got off to a blistering start whilst the field's in? And how are the opposition looking? I imagine Letwin's loosening up to bowl a few googlies whilst Howard decides how best to use his front-bench attack?" Sadly, this is increasingly like Test cricket circa 1982: Brown is in the Tavare role, and I'm the four-year-old in the crowd who's been dragged to the game by his dad, hasn't got a clue what's going on, and just wants an ice-cream and to go home to his mum. Oh hang on, after 37 minutes - that's stumps!

Points I missed because I'm from sport

New centres to help areas of high unemployment Memorial to Queen Mother to be built on The Mall in LondonInheritance tax threshold up to £275,000 this year 8,900 primary schools will be rebuilt or refurbished Council tax refund for over-65s rises from £50 to £200

"How much has Special Brew gone up?" wonders Paul Baker.

1.25 A budget for families and pensioners is the conclusion. But [wink, wink] what we're really concerned about is our post-match pints, isn't it? A pint is up 1p and a bottle of wine 4p. That's it from me: it's been defiantly average, and I'd like to again offer my sincere apologies. Thanks for your emails, especially your barrage Mr Williamson - Rob.